The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1906-04-06
THE PENSION OFFICE
HUMOR THAT SPICES THE ROUTINE
WORK OF THE OFFICIALS.

some of the Quaint and Original APP
plicntions For Payments That Have
Been Handed In to the Representa-
tives of Uncle Sam.
If he dared to do so the commissioner
pf pensions at Washington could COM
pile delightful volume, putting there
h the strange applications for pensions
that come to his office. Some of these
letters belong to the too good to keep"
class, and they find their way out into
the world. where they add good deal
to the hilarity of nations. Some appli
cants for pensions manifest the most
childlike ignorance regarding the meth
cd of procedure necessary when apply
Ing for pension. They seem to think
that all they have to do is to send an
application TO the pension Office and
Uncle Sam will forward a check by re-
turn mail
Soon after the close of the civil war
there came to the pension office In
Washington the following unique and
poetical application for n pension that
went the rounds of the newspapers
years ago:
to Commissioner of Pensions Washington.
these many years I've tried in vain
an honest pention to obtain
For wound received In Sixty one
at fisSt Battle OF Bull Run
one of ohioes sons so brave
who went to the front the union to save
And whilst Engaged in above said fight
Il rebel Shell took half my sight
Not content by taking Eye
this treacherous she'll in Passing by
took my Eye Brow Clear OF the bone
and Left me as unconscious as stone
burning blister of Crystal Clear
from the jaw bone to the Ear
but thanks to god my life was spared
Cheek and Eye brow but Slitely Scared
and one Eye was left to me
for 10 wright and read Poetre
l nope that with that Eye to see the day
when unkel Sam his Cripples will Pay.
Much more recent is the letter sent
to the commissioner Of pensions by an
applicant who had contracted blood
poisoning in the following remarkable
manner:
I got blood poison by beinge hit with
hens eg wen L cam back from the frunt.
The eg was not good wen you send my
pension l want the Deed made sos my
wife can't get none Of 1T. She throde the
eg. She war a rebbel.
Equally appealing and remarkable
was another letter sent to the pension
office i'll which the applicant set forth
his claims to a pension in this wise:
The way 1 got my War ingery was q
ketchin of a hog. The Hog war wanted
by our captain for forege. We was chasin
fhn I'D =hn Iad hnla
an thot were about the size Of the hog
and tried to crawl threw, but 1 stuck an
in tryin to wiggle out l throde the rales
off an one 1t hit me on my he'd and nocked
me senseless. l do not think the hog had
nothln to do with my line of duty, for
did not ketch the hog. WITCH she never
was caut, SO pleze send along my pension.
One aged pensioner had evidently
made q serious blunder by taking
unto himself a wife in his old age, for
love of gain seems to have been the
motive of the woman who married him
if the following letter stated the facts
i'll the case:
Dear Mister Government, Pleze to fix up
my penshun papers so as my wife cant
draw my twelve dolers a munt when I
am ded. she say she marryed me for low
an to be ole mans Darling but now I
no 1t was for to git my penshun on her
self by being my wi6ower so pleze let
my penshun end with me but pleze doant
let on to her that you got this from me
or would have hot time of 1t and times
Is hotter now than l can stand. So when
l send word that 1 am no moar then send
her this If you want to but not until the
penshun Is shut off which it is her just
desserts for marryin for money an in
Mersheenary spirrut
One day there came to the pension
office Il very old and subdued looking
man who could scarcely totter along
with the help of two canes. BY his side
was a very robust and perfectly self
reliant young woman of perhaps thirty
years OF age. When some one went
forward to ask what was wanted the
young woman said:
"Well. I'll just tell you. This is my
husband, and we amt getting enough
pension-that's what we amt. We're
getting only $40 month, and we know
a man that wasn't in the war half as
long as my husband was and didn't get
n shot in him and he gifts his S12
month, and we want our pension raised
to that figger or more
One applicant was willing to give the
most palpable proof of the genuineness
Of his injuries, for he wrote as follows:
If you don't think I was shott In the
war l am willing to come on there and
you or any one else can lay their finger
on the bullet imbedded in my back which
panes me when l stoop or lay on 1t and
which it has brought pertinent dig
ability so 1 can't work like l used to
r lr IN
ident Maykin!ey and tell him about the
bullet he would say to send on the pen
ton and any medikel doctor would say
the same. A doctor here will go his af
fydavitt that he has layed his fingers on
the bullet witch l am proud of as scars of
War where fit and bled for my country
witch 1t Is America and Union forever,
New York Tribune.