The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1906-04-25
THE PENSION OFFICE
HuMoR THAT SPICES THE ROUTINE
WORK OF THE OFFICIALS.

Some of the Quaint and Original Ap-
piioations For Payments That Have
Been Handed In to tho Representas
tives of Uncle Sam.
III he dared to do so the commissioner
of pensions at Washington could COM
pile Il delightful volume, putting there
In the strange applications for pensions
that como to his office. Seine Of these
letters belong to the "too good to keep"
class, and they find their way out Into
the world, where they add Il good deal
to the hilarity of nations. Some appli-
cants for pensions manifest the most
ignorance regarding the meth
cd of procedure necessary when apply
ing for n pension. They seem to think
that all they have to do Is to send an
application to the pension office and
Uncle Sam Will forward Il check by re-
turn mail.
Soon after the close Of the civil war
there came to the pension office in
Washington the following unique and
poetica! application for ~ pension that
went the rounds of the newspapers
years ago:
to Commissioner Of Pensions Washington.
these many years Two tried in vain
an honest pention to obtain
For wound received In Sixty one
at first Battle of Bull Run
one of ohloes sons so brave
who went to the front tho union to save
And whilst Engaged in above said fight
n rebel Shell took half my sight
Not content by taking an Eye
this treacherous shell in Passing by
took my Eye Brow Clear of the bone
and Left me as unconscious as a stone
burning n blistcr of Crystal Clear
from the jaw bone to the Eur
but thanks to god my iifo was spared
Check and Eye brow but SlitSly Scared
and ono Eye was left to me
for to wright and read Poetre
l hope that Wit that Eye to SEQ the day
when unltel Sam his Cripples will Pay.
Much more recent ia the letter sent
to The commissioner of pensions by an
applicant who had contracted blood
poisoning In the following remarkable
manner
1 got blood poison by beinse hit with n
hens cg Wen L cam back from the frunt.
The eg was not good Wen you send my
pension 1 want the Deed made sos my
wife can't get none of 1t. She throde the
eg. She war Il rebbel.
Equally appealing and remarkable
was another letter sent to the pension
Office I'm which the applicant set forth
his claims to II pension in this wise:
Tho way 1 got my War ingery was a
ketchin OF a hog. The Hog war wanted
by our captain for forcge. We was chastn
the hog and she crawled threw II hole
an L thot l were about tho size OF tho hog
and tried to crawl throw. but 1 stuck an
in tryin to wigglc out 1 Nlrode the rales
off an one IL hit mo on my he'd and nockod
me senselcss. 1 do not think the hog had
nothin to do with my line OF duty, for L
did not ketch the hog. Wich she never
was caut. SO pleze send along my pension.
One aged pensioner had evidently
made II serious blunder by taking
unto himself Il wife in his old age, for
love of gain seems to have been the
motive of the woman who married him
IL the following letter stated the facts
in the case:
Dear Mister Government. Pleze to fix up
my pcnshun papers so as my wife cant
draw my twelve dolers Il munt when /
am ded. sho say she marryed me for Low
I'm to be a ole mans Darling but now 1
70 1t was for to git my pcnshun on her
self by being my widuwer so plezc let
my pcnshun end with me but pleZc doant
let on to hcr that you got this from me
or l would have n hot time OF 1t and times
is hotter now than L can stand. SO when
/ send word that | am no moar then send
her this IL you want to but not until the
penshun is shut off which 1t is her just
desserts for marryin for money an in u
Mershecnary spirrut.
One day there calnG to the pension
Office n very old and subducd looking
man who coul scarcely tottcr alon.,