Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1906-11-01
THE STORY TELLER.
THE LIGHTNING sIGHTsEER.

II have been told" he said, that an
American once drove in a hanson up tc
the British museum, leaped out kicked
aside the pigeons that were feeding In
the court and said to the uniformed
official at the door.
Have you still got the Elgin marbles?
Yes, sir. or course, SIR
Good. And the Assyrian winged
bulls
They're stlll here, sir
What about those GOO year old hu.
man remains on the second foor--they'rs
not sold yet, are they?'
No. indeed, sir. Won't you step in
and see them"
No. thanks. I'll just take them az
hor catalogue. You see, I've got West.
minister, st. Pauls, the houses OF parlia.
ment and the South kassing ton to 90 this
morning, and must get train for OK
ford in time 10 run the colleges before
starting for stratford for the night. So
long, sir
A PATHETIC CASE.
a prominent lawyer Of Bradford, Now
Hampshire. suspected his colored servant
of tamperins with u certain brand Of fne
whiskey in his wlne-cellar. The employer
]
-,sniclons, He allowed the demijohn
holding his private stock to become empty,
and then, instead Of refllng It, placed
the remainder in bottles and labelled each
one poison"
One evening, on returning home uuex-
pectedly. he found his servaut with one
of his bottles. Selling the bottle from the
darky's hand, he exclaimed. In tone
of terror:
| Great heaven! Sam. DO you know
what you have been doing7 This bottle
ia marked poison"
| The negro took the bottle and surveyed
it closely. Then ne sniffed at 1t. A mel
ancholy smile passed over his dusky coun-
tenance and he replied:
Use been fooled again"
Fooled asain?' repeated his master
What do you mean?"
well. san continued the darby, IN
the same tone, at am dis way. knowed
from de first from de way you acted
bout dat demljohn. dat you had yo' sus-
plshuns oo me; and dat sho made me feel
pretty blue. l got distressed, an didn't
care Why, sab. TO- mos two weeks now
ise been trying to commit suicide outer
dat bottle!-Harper's Weekly
UNCLE JOE WAS PREPARED.
| In a village not far from Kenne-
bunkport Me-, there once lived man
noted for the size OF the stories he
told. One day group Of men, Uncle
Joe, the story teller, among the num-
Der. were discussing the merits of Ger
tain spring medicines.
Yes" said Uncle Joe, 81 think It's
a goo' Ian TO take something for the
system every spring. One spring I
took $40 worth of sulphur"
"Indeedr' said one OF the other mon
You must have taken quite a Quau-
tity. Sulphur is cheap stuff, you
know. Uncle Joe"
Well" Uncle Joe said slowly a
shadow of the enormity of the story
or Of the pile OF sulphur possibly fall
ing over his mind. this shat I took
was sulphur bitters."
WESTERN YARNS.
| That the West is a big place with
some stable farms, Is suggested by
yarn in the Detroit Free Press: Yes,
sir" said "a Dakota man. as a crowd
| of agriculturists seated themselves
around a little table, yes. sir we do
| things on a rather stable scale. I've
| seen man start out in the spring
and plough a furrow until fall Their
he turned around and harvested back.
We have some big farms up there,
| gentlemen. a friend OF mine owned
one on which he had to give a mort
gage, and the mortgage was due on
one end before they could get It re-
corded on the other. You Gee, 1t was
| laid off in counties There was a
murmur Of establishment, and the Da-
kota man continued: II got a letter
from a man who lives In my orchard
just before I left home. and it had
been three weeks getting to the dwell
ing house. although 1t had Travelled
day and night" DISTANCES are pref
~ wide up there, amt they?' in
6uired one. "Reasonably. reasonably"
replied the Dakota man. And the
worst OF II is, II breaks up families
so. Two years ago saw a whole
family Frustrated with grief. Women
yelling, children bowling and dogs
barking one of the men had his
camp truck packed on Ieven four
mule teams. and he was going around
bidding everybody good-by." Where
was he going?" asked a Gravesend
man. He was going halfway across
the farm TO feed the pigs" replied the
| Dakota man. And did he ever get
back TO his family again." TT isn't
time for him yet" replied the Dakota
man.
HIS FIRST GOAL.
! The eminent lecturer, DR.. l.. Carter,
self-made ard not wholly uncon scious OF
the fact. was addressing the Somervlle,
iY. NJ. c. A.
MY dear young people, he began,
'let me refer briefly to the humble aus
pices under which my start in life was
made. Without dollar in my pocket,
and with no worldly possessions OF con
sequence. my indosnitable nature and an
| InAnua decentralization 10 ulllize to the full-