Staunton spectator and vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1896-1916, 1906-02-23
HIS HOPES BLASTED.

aged and wrecked humorist The vic
tim has recovered entirely and counts
it as one of the fortunate things OF his
life that, as funny man. he was ship
wrecked early.
A few years ago there was a student
In one of the leading universities for
who the unthinking part OF the fac
ulty-any university has some profess
ors not guilty of thinking much-pre-
dicted what they called brilliant Gu
ture. The young man heard OF what
they said and believed it, too.
He was known as the college wit. He
wrote alleged humorous pieces for the
college publications, and when he
made speeches at college dinners his
auditors were convulsed. Every one
seemed to like the oungster-whose
name might be McAndrews, although
it isn't.
McAndrews was all the more popular
because he was working his way
through college. He had lived most OF
his life in New Jersey. One day he
was approached for contribution for
an athletic fund.
He frankly said he hadn't any money
to spare, but he would give public
the university would rally round him.
When he announced that his subject
would be New Jersey-travels in an
unknown and foreign land" there was
an immediate promise to rally.
And rally that university did. Word
was passed around that it was going
to be a great show. The glee club was
called upon to rehearse grinds On New
Jersey in general and on McAndrewa
in particular.
There was a large advance sale Of
tickets. McAndrews rose to the occa.
sion. He worked early and late In
writing funny things into the lecture.
He calloted all the alleged humorous
things ever printed about New Jersey
and rewrote them as his own He
picked out all the peculiarly named
places in the state, such as Hohokus.
and made them the scenes of the
things he talked about.
McAndrews wasn't entirely satisfied
with the words he wrote and soon de-
cided that he must fortify them. He
got an old brick and pounded it uE
fine. Then he took some white sand,
that he got from a saloonkeeper, and
mixed it with the pulverized brick. He
bottled the mixture, sorted the bottles
and labeled them as samples of New
Jersey soil, to be passed around in the
audience.
Something more was needed, and so
he got some brown color TASKS, filed
them with water and labeled them
Jersey Lightning-Tanglefoot Brand"
These also were to be passed around
To add finishing touch to the hi
larity Of the evening McAndrews had a
map made, dividing New Jersey into
three districts, whic-4 he called the
Mosquito, Cranberry and Backwoods
districts. Then he had stereopticon
views made Of the mosquitoes, the life
size representations of which were as
big as barn doors.
The night of the lecture came. The
university president and two-thirds of
the faculty were present. Scores of
well-known townspeople came. A
judge of the court of appeals and two
supreme court justices in town cams
also.
From the moment McAndrews open.
ed his mouth to say according to ths
latest census returns New Jersey con-
tains 1928 square miles, 1896 chick
en- coops and 1897 ,236,541 mosquitoes
every one of his sentences was greeted
with laughter or audible chuckles. His
stereopticon pictures caused shouts OF
Joy.
His samples of the soil and Jersey
lightning were passed about eagerly,
One OF the tanglefoot bottles disap-
peared and staid doctor of divinity
on the faculty was accused of appro-
priating it. 1t was a night of great
fun, and at its close McAndrews was
besieged by scores with their congrat
ulations.
The university president generously
said 1t was the most distinguished aud
fence assembled in that town, with
the exception of one that George VIII.
liam Curtis once lad. AS a humorist
McAndrews was bowling success
The entire university was sure of til,
brilliant future awaiting him.
In that audisnce was college girl,
the chairman of the lecture committee
Of neighbcring girls college. She,
too, caught the enthusiasm of the zao.
ment and offered McAndrews the mu-
nificent sum of $25 to come to lecture
to the girls.
He snapped 1t up as quickly as @
get-rich-qulck man does easy money.
1t was like finding gold mine.
The girl chairman went home ia
boom the lecture. She advertised Nc
Andrews as the renowned wit of his
university, the coming humorist of the
United States, the only legitimate SUI.
cessor that Mark Twain would ever
have.
The night Of that lecture came on,
the lecture was given in the college
chapel, one Of those cold, blue places
that are sometimes found in institu-
tons established in the interest of
some religious sect.
The college president sat on the plat
form ana his face was grave. His
whole aspect seemed to say:
Young man, this is a holy place
Let no undue levity be ATTEMPTED
here"
McAndrews gave the lecture, and the
audience laughed just once.
Years later, when McAndrews came
to know Mark Twain, he plucked I'D
courage to write Mr.. Clemens to know
if he would look that lecture over and
say whether there was really anything
funny in it. He got letter in reply
telling him to send it along.
MI. Clemens returned the manuscript
later with the remark that if was
re- 10 j.