The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-02-11
DOCKSTADER ON
"FRENZIED FINANCE

"FRENZIED FINANCE
(Lew Dockstader in New York WORLDLY
I went down town to the criminal
court building yesterday, expecting to
be called as a witness in the suit of
Colonel Mann against the earth. II It
wasn't against the earth I don't know
what he is suing for, either; but some
body served me with a subpoena, and
put it in my coat pocket, and, like a
vaccination, it took"
As ! said before, l went down to the
criminal court building. I never saw
so many whiskers in my life. Colonel
Mann had them all. That's the reason
why Harry Lehr hasn't got any. Mann
has his fingers crossed on Whiskers
I want to deny right here that I ever
loaned Colonel Mann $4,000 in all nv
life. I feel indignant about the rumor
I have never tried to break into the
Four HunC~ed, because they are not in
my class.
IF Colonel Mann has ever said any
thing to the contrary in his paper I'm
not going 10 pay him money for 1t, I'M
less compelled by law.
Why should they subpoena me and
drag me shrieldng before a court of
justice? 1 never gave up. Colonel
Mann may do his worst He may cast
his whisk Are TO the four winds OF
heaven, 'bl~ there viii be nothing doing
with me.
He looked at me in severe tones this
afternoon. but I was on to him.
could see the rolls of bills lurking in
his whiskers. Every time he coughs he
blows out a thOUsand-dOllar fuse.
It looks ike q cinch to get on the
witness stand If this case Harry Lehr
wasn't called, but he went on the stand
and told his story voluntarily. That
was probably because he disliked pub
LEFTY. That was what he said, wasn't
It? He didn't like to get into the pa
pers. 7 guess he doesn't like news
paper stories about him any more than
I do.
Again. I want to deny that I ever
stood for one of those Colonel Mascu-
line touches. You can get a stock OF
Bibles as high as Trinity steepIe and
viii take my oath on them that I never
lent Colonel Meun a cent. I viii ad-
nit that I was approached by some
agent of d publication that I won't
mention with a proposition.
But 7 never did anything worse than
offer n brand new safety razor to the
colonel. I sent it by a messenger boy,
but I guess it vas a failure. 1t must
have broken in transit or use. Anyway
the colonel never got a shave. About
the only way you'll ever get a peek at
the lines in the colonel's face is to use
a lawn mower on it.
At the same time I wish to state that
the picturesque hair and whiskers of
Colonel Mann surround a great rendez-
vOuS for IDEAS Anybody who can sit in
his office and write those touching let
tiers and get away with it to the tune of
$500 900 has my sincerest admiration. I
remove my chapeaU to the colonel.
MachiavelH was a novice compared TO
him.
Sitting in the court room and listen
ng to the testimony gave me an idee
that the society journal is a strange
and wonderful thing. Why wouldn't it
be a good thing to have a time table or
schedule or bill Of fare, such as are in
use in restaurants Then when the rich
come-Ons are due to be trimmed up you
can avoid argument. For instance, a
table like this:
Calling q millionaire q scoundrel, free.
Calling a millionaire a wrecker OF
homes, free.
Printing story Of millionaire kissing
Miss De Flash, free.
Saying ancestors were burglars, free.
limiting that family Jewels are phony,
free
Describing victim as cultured gentle
man. $500.
Describing gay wife as motherly and
Discovering that Jimmy Glue is a
marquis, 81, 600
Saying that Johnny NUciIage has a
great pull in Wall street, $4,000.
limiting that little Maudie Fewclothes
is to marry Earl --, s.. 000
Placing victim on immune list one
year. $4,000.
Placing victim on immune list for
ever, 800, 600.
After coming from the court room I
talked TO a gentleman over the phone
He said his name was Deuel.. asked.
Is this Justice? He said. DO YOU
mean am 7 Justice or will l get Jus
tice?' I asked him what he wanted and
he raid he had written a new song that
he wanted me to put on. I promised
to sing it. Here's the chorus:
Eyerybody's worked by Colonel;
He graf dough all day;
If YOU do not cough up
He'll show you up, they say.
Keene gave ninety thousand
To Fads and Fancies' man;
BY Colonel Mann.
There's one question that has not been
taken up by the newspapers, and that
is, What did the colonel DO with all
this money!" 7 haven't got it. that's a
lead pipe. I don't think Russell SAGE
has 1t. As I said before, 7 believe that
it is in Colonel Mann's whiskers Time
and a barber VIII tell. But all I've got
to say IS that 7 consider Mann a won
der. And Onct more I will doff the lid
to such a wonder. Shades of Cassie
Chadwick. Hungry Joe, Gil Bias, Jessie
James and Hermann the Great he is
real wOnderI I'll be there again to-
daY.