The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1906-11-14
To DRINK
FOR SCIENCE
Thirsty Men for Service
on Wiley's Alcohol
Squad.


the Department of Agriculture, did no
know that hoboes, stationary and peri
patetic, read the newspapers. He know
it now
DIR. Wiley, an urbane though not
cautious man, announced about ten day!
series of experiments to ascertain
the exact effects of alcohol upon the
human stomach. Last year he trieC
| boracic acid and other food preserva
tive upon husky bunch of young fel
lows, who came to be known as the
! poison squad, and who were willing tc
take a chance on any old kind of acid
properly mingled up with food that
they weren t required to pay for.
DIR. Wiley had to do bit of hunting
around last year to organize his poison
squad, but he ism t going to have any
bother in assembling his poison squad
| this year, with alcohol as the bait.
In announcing his contemplated ex-
| periments he allowed it to be under
/ stood that he would try on his victims
all of the standard brands of whlskies
| brandies, gins, runs, cordials, wines,
| beers and ales. In less than two days
! after this announcement was printed in
, the newspapers, the tip got out all over
hoboland that Washington was going
to be pretty soft place in which to
| put in the approaching winter.
| HobOes at once began to drop in on
DR.. Wiley at his office. Dr. Wiley is
polite almost to the point of oleaginous-
| ness. For two days running he received
the candidates for the alcohol test He s
quit it now, though.
There a messenger armed with a
heavy curtain roller stationed outside
of DR.. Wiley's door now, and the only
way anybody can get to see the chief
government chemist is first to send the
doctor photograph by mail. The
photograph is turned over to the mes
senger on guard, and if the messenger
recognizes you as the original of the
photograph he I'll let you in Otherwise
he'll wave the heavy curtain roller at
you, and then you II go away from
there.
When DIR. Wiley reached his office in
the Department. of Agriculture on the
morning following the announcement of
the investigation he found one of the
candidates for o martyrs tomb wait
ing for him il the hall. This one had
the general exterior of Roaming Riley,
the Travelling Thirst, and he shuffled
right into IT, office in the chemist IS
footsteps.
''Hey, Doc,' he inquired, hoarsely,
''is dis boose gag o. your n on de
level?''
''Please make your question a little
clearer suggested the chemist, who is
something of precisian and shy on
colloquialisms. ''What do you wish
to know?''
''Dis suds ting elaborated the
frame up / m after readin' about
where you re goin' t. try t pickle
bunch o. rum eaters. How bout it2
Does it go?'
DIR. Wiley started some evasive reply,
to the effect that he had considered
something of that sort, but that he
hadn t entirely arranged the details,
and that
''Oh, Doc, let s begin now,'' put in
the visitor, with an ingratiating grin
on his face, and the chemist had to
back into his private office and close
the door before that candidate would
take the hint and his departure.
An hour or so later another applicant
for enlistment in the new poison squad
Shambled into the chemist s office. He
was thin, peaked one of the shabby
genteel variety, albeit the sawdust of
the last barrel house in which he had
recnned still clung to parts of his
raiment.
"Er-have L the distinction of adj
dressing the famous DIR. Wiley?' he
inquired as he shuffled up to the chem
ist s desk and rested his hands on the
edge of it.
DIR. Wiley blushed and confessed TO
his name.
Er-ah--hum-am ! to suppose -
grandiloquently went on the peaked one,
impaling the wriggling chemist with
his ishy eye, that the reports which
have reached me with reference to
your projected experimentation with al
cohol in its application to the human
-er-ah-hum-am | to suppose
that these reports are accurate, or mere
ly another specimen of the meretricious
vaporings of a lying press?''
DR.. Wiley stated that he himself had
given out the printed statement, and
the newspapers had quoted him cor
rectly.
"Then, SIR said the peaked one
with a flourish and a toss of his name,
81 am with you heart and soul in your
generous and praiseworthy effort to-
ward the advancement of the cause of
humanity. Needless of the advice, nay
the tears of my relatives and friends,
l resign my self into your hands, well
assured, as | am, that
what part do you propose taking
| in the experiment / have in mind? -
| somewhat dryly inquired the chemist.
The most difficult part of all, sir, -
promptly replied the peaked one. The
| part of one of the voluntary absorbers
| of the noxious and deadly drugs which
| men take into their systems, and
We'll, ! shouldn't think you'd find
| that Very hard work put in the chem
list, but his visitor took the observa-
| ton so keenly to heart and threatened
| to become so resentful over it that DR..
| Wiley had to duck back into his prf-
| vate Office to get rid of that one. too.