The Lake County times., 1906-08-18
!" .
SPEECH OF THE
TOWN PUMP.

secret to fame, continued the
town pump. "AH you have to
do is to make a statement that
is improbable in fact. The
evolution theory works good
every time. You see one can
always go back far enough to
a time when nobody of the
present age was in existence
and the theory can be backed
up by saying that in coming
age things will take on such
and such a turn-whatever
the bug may be.
Mankind has aways been
a fertile subject. If the seeker
for fame a man-if he's wise
he'll explode the evolution of
woman and visa versa. 1t
works every time. Even college
professors succeed.
But I've got an idea and |
think there is something to it.
l want to go on record that at
one time, of course, long ago,
everybody was a politician,
everybody including men, wo-
men and children. Now, my
idea in this matter is that this
whole state Of affairs has been
sifted down by the process of
evolution until it has reach
ed the prosperous condition IN
which it is today
Only men who wear big
mustaches and have red noses
and who can talk loud at a
meeting or pick lint from your
clothes when speaking to
you, are in the game
today. Everybody else has been
weeded out and the process
was a slow one. The children
were the first and easiest to
put out Of the business, they
dropped out naturally. Their
mothers as a rus, sent them to
bed early, and consequently
the little ones lost out on the
campaigning, as much of that
is done at night time. In the
day they preferred to play
marbles with dried rabbit eyes
that their sires had brought
home from the chase.
AS for the women, they
could still be in the game, had
it not been for their petty
jealousies and general con-
trariness. IN nominating a fe-
male candidate for night
guard Of the pork barrel they
invariably supported the hom-
lest one. It was jealousy pare
and simple. They couldn't
stand to see good looking
woman in Office and no man in
those days would support a
homely woman. The result
wes that the women lost out.
1T was now up to the men.
So one day notices were post
ed all over where men were
likely to go on their hunt. A
mass meeting was called lat
er and a test was to be made
at which members Of the DO
litioal elab were chosen. "A
huge banner bearing the
words, ITO the victor belong
the spoils" was unfurIed.
The first test consisted in
drinking large quantities of
brews-or booze. as it was
pronounced by those who had
an over-quantity. Another test
was to make much noise. The
queer thing in that test was
that the smaller fellows could
make more noise than the
larger ones. A third test con-
sisted of making promises.
This was an interesting one,
and the man who promised to
turn the silver lining of the
clouds inside out, took first
prize A little man who prom
lsed to give Hammond better
depots at some time. was
given second prize, although
l think he was entitled to
first. The last test consisted in
putting your hand in another
mans pocket without the lat
ter noticing it. You can Judge
for yourself how that ended
The prizes were awarded ac-
cordingly and in every in
stance 1t was found that those
who were proficient in one
were proficient in all. Those
who were less successful were
put to such menial work as
life insurance, banking, rail-
reading and trust organizing.
"0f course, politics of today