Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-01-13
REMEDY DIDN'T WORK

xtkJm LIZ Lillian - - 4sAA
This man made up his mind that he was
going to be his own doctor
He'd been suffering from dyspepsia for a
couple of months. and 1t irked him, dyspep-
STA being undeniably irksome to some tenn
peraments.
He had listened to everybody and tried
'em ALL There wasn't brand Of digestive
tablets known to the canned goods corners
of the chemists shelves that he hadn't
fallen for.
Some of the digestive tablets really re-
lieved him for as long three minutes at
a stretch but three minutes in contin-
uous performance of dyspepsia is an incon-
sequentia1 space Of time.
He'd gone up against the hot-water-bc-
fore breakfast and the Observation-Disclosures
breakfast cures. Each and both of these
cures only made him very much seeker
man than he had been before.
He had tried dieting, with the greatest
elaboration, and Systematically. He found
that on the whole, he suffered very great
deal less when he ate large quantities of
cold roast pork and not mince pie and
drank about two quarts of coffee q day than
when he confined his dietetic attentions ex-
clusively to warm milk and graham waters.
He made piteous appeals to large num-
Der of medical men, some of whom were
personal friends of his. and he found that
the things they did for him really succeeded
only in cluttering his system with lquio
articles she aroma of which caused MIN
to think of the efliuvia diffused from
drug store that has just been opened on a
warm summers morning.
So the man finally got mad. He decided
to become his own doctor. And the very
minute he made this mental decision ne
knew just exactly what allied him. He
diagnosed his case to his own perfect salts
faction.
II know what's the matter with me-" he
argued eloquentiy to himself. Il need
some booze-a whole lot o booze. Here
I've been on the water wagon 1or Hearis
six months and I've got into physical rut.
I quit the rum thing all too suddenly.
That's what's the matter with me- gave
up rum in too much of hurry ana I've
been too self-righteous and stuck-up III
staying off the booze all these SIX mohtns;
Man that's been used to a little booze-WnFl
every two or three months and who's al
ways taken that treatment for that tired
feeling has no right to get chesty with NM
self and flag the rum all OF a sudden.
s dangerous. Likely to fasten some chronic
trouble upon him And that's what's hap
pened to me. I've revolutionized my life
too violently, and been too blamed goody-
soody. Result is I've become CHROME
dyspeptic I've got into measly rut I've
been leading gray. dun-hued days. NOW
I'm going TO fix the hull thing up, all by
my little old lonesome. III fool all these
doctor sharps and tablet recommenders
that5s what All I've got to do is to insert
vast and unprecedented amount of highly
rebellious liquor into my midriff and let the
whole blamed situation fight it out.
"I'll just stand by as sort of spectator,
and when it's all over I'll be the winner.
And look at the fun I'll have in the process
When l get all picked up. all I've got to
do is to throw my head back and listen to
the music while the internal battle is TAX
ing place. And mine will be the victory
nd ha these Internal QOI-
lists who don't know any more about dys-
pepsia than they do about Deuteronomy
It'll only take about two days, and l can
spare the two days from my business. I'll
Just go over to Baltimore, some such
quiet little place. SOS to get under cover.
and then I'll come back and take a nights
sleep in company with a bunsky such as
no Washingtonian has accumulated for a
dozen years, and when / wake up III in
vite all of these doctor birds to come sit
around my couch and then gloat over 'em.
I won't have any more dyspepsia than a
pink-nosed shoat / have spoke. That's
me-
| Coarse and crude philosophy, Ell!
| But, considering the really determined eff
| forts the man had made to rid himself OF
| the dyspepsia; considering the truth of his
| reasoning that he had actually foregone
| the Indulgence In the cup too suddenly
six months ago, and had thus. by remain
| ing on the water wagon for a longer period
| than had been his experience in many years,
| inflicted a sort of blow upon what might
| be called the routine of his physical system
| considering how every man is supposed to
| possess a sort of instinct as to what is
| better or best for his bodily organization
considering that he had given all known
! dyspepsia cures thorough trial. and had
| prcfted by none of them-was it not SEN
| sfble and reasonable sort of philosophy, at
| ter all?
It Was Noti
| The narrative hasn't the least right in the
! world. according to all accepted canons and
| tenets, to end in this way, but
| 1t Was Not!
The man went to Baltimore, and he be-
| came picked. and now he's back again
| Gagged UP with a brand of dyspepsia that
| makes everything of the kind he had ever
| experienced before feel, by comparison like
| the warm, mellow stomachic glow that fol-
| lows the quaffing of several jeweled amber
| fiagons of the Falernian wine of other days
| All of these little matters in the game OF
| everyday life don't work out like the incl
| dents in the comic supplements.
1