The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1906-05-30
THE PENSION OFFICE
HumoR THAT SPICES THE ROUTINE
WORK OF THE OFFICIALS.


WORK OF THE OFFICIALS.
Some of the Quaint and Original APP
~piicatiGEE For Payments That Have
Been Handed In to the Representa-
tives OF Uncle Sam.
III he dared to do so the commissioner
OF pensions at Washington could com
pile n delightful volume, putting there
IN In strange applications for pensions
that come to his office. Some of these
letters belong to the 'too good to keep"
class, and they find their way out into
the world, where they add n good deal
to the hilarity of nations. Some appli-
cants for pensions manifest the most
chfldlike Ignorance regarding the meth
cd OF procedure necessary when apply
ing for q pension. They seem to think
that all they have to do Is to send an
application to the pension Office and
Uncle San will forward a check by re-
turn mail.
Soon after the close of the civil war
there came to the pension office in
Washington the following unique and
poetical application for II pension that
went the rounds of the
years ago:
to COMMISSIONS OF Pensions Washington.
these many years I've tried in vain
an honest pention to obtain
For wound received in Sixty one
at first Battle of Bull Run
one of ohioes sons so brave
who went to the front the union to save
And whilst Engaged in above said fight
a rebel She'll took half my aiUhf
Not content by taking an eye
this treachorous shell In Passing by
took my Eye Brow Clear of the bone
and Left mo as unconscious as "a stone
burning n blister of Crystal Clear
from the jaw bone to the Ear
but thanks to god my life was spared
Cheek and Eye brow but Slitely Scared
and one Eye was left to me
for to wright and read Poetre
1 hope that with that Eye to see the day
when unkel Sam his Cripples will Pay.
Much more recent is the letter sent
to the commissioner of pensions by an
applicant who had contracted blood
poisoning in the following remarkable
manner:
1 got blood poison by beinge hit with a
hens eg wen l cam back from the frunt.
me eg was not good Wen you send my
pension 1 want the Deed made SOS my
wife can't get none of 1t. She throde the
eB. She wal a rebbel.
Equally appealing and remarkable
was another letter sent to the pension
office in which the applicant set forth
his claims to n pension in this wise:
The way 1 got my War ingery was n
ketchin OF u hog. The Hog war wanted
by our captain for forege. We was chasin
the hog and she crawled threw a hole
an L thot i were about the size of the hog
and tried to crawl threw, but 1 stuck an
In tryin to wigslc out I throde the rales
off an one 1t hit me on my he'd and nockcd
me senseless. L do not think the hog had
nothin to do with my line of duty, for I
did not ketch the hog. Wich she never
was caut. so plese send along my pension.
One aged p~epsioner had evidently
made Il serious blunder by taking
unto himself a wife in his old age, for
love of gain seems to have been the
motive of the woman who married him
if the following letter stated the facts
in the case:
Dear Mister Government. Pleze to fix UP
my penshun papers 30 as my wife cant
draw my twelve dolers n munt when 1
am oed. she say she marryed me for Low
an to be n ole mans Darling but now 1
no 1t was for to git my penshun on her
self by being my widower 30 pleze let
my penshun end with me but pleze doant
let on to her that you got this from me
or 1 would have n hot time of 1t and times
Is hotter now than L can stand. So when
1 send word that 4 am no moar then send
her this II you want to but not until the
penshun is shut of which It is her Just
desserts for margin for money an in q
Mersheenary spirrut.
One day there came to the pension
Office Il very old and subdued looking
man who could scarcely totter along
with the help of two canes. BY his side
was n very robust md perfectly self
reliant young woman of perhaps thirty
years of age. When some one went
forward to ask what was wanted the
young woman said:
well, I'll just tell you. This is my
husband, and we amt getting enough
pension-that's what we amt. We're
getting only $40 n month, md we know
a man that wasn't in the war half as
long as my husband was and didn't get
n shot in him and he gifts his SD q
month, and we want our pension raised
to that fgger or more"
One applicant was willing to give the
most palpable proof Of the genuineness
of his injuries, for he wrote as follows:
II you don't think 1 was shott in the
war L am willing to come on there and
you or any one else can lay their finger
on the bullet imbedded in my back which
panes me when L stoop or lay on 1t and
which 1t has brought on pertinent dis
ability so L can't work like l used to
could 1 guess IL you would speak to Pres
ident Maykinley and tell him about the
bullet he would say to send on the PEN
ton and any medikel doctor would say
the same. A doctor here will go his af-
fydavitt that hc has layed his fingers on
the bullet witch L am proud of as scars OF
War where / fit and bled for my country
wlch 1t Is America and Union forever.
New York Tribune.