Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-02-10
NEW RULES OF CONDUCT

Another one Of those executive orders
was issued the other day. fonbidding gpv-
eminent clerks go ask for anything on pain
of dismissal. Broadly Unexpected the gem
eraa spirit of this executive order, adj
dressed to all classified government en-
pioyes seemed to be about this:
You don't know what you want.
Ii you do know, you're not TO ask for 1t.
unless you expect TO be fired.
The first law of nature for a government
clerk ought to be self-effaeement.
Abnegation is the hottest Of virtues-for
you.
Any government employee who hopes to
rise IN the world through his own exertiens
is a thickwit and pinhead.
Ask and We shall get it where Hiawatha
wore the eiks teeth.
Live, horse. and you'n get grass.
IF you ask representative or senator
for anything. and we hear about 1t. he's
liable to be fired, too, as well as you.
You stay where you're at, see2
You're lucky to be alive and out of jail
or the detention hospital.
If your pay is too small for your grocery
bill, quit eating.
If your salary is too tneonsequential to-
enable you to buy your wife clothing, re-
member that the first woman. Madam Eve,
was satisfied with a hg-leaf.
Ii the mean and tyrannicaI little chief of
your division perseeutes YOU hating you
because you We got more tldlF imam ne mas
turn him the other side and let him kick
that. He'll Kick you into the street finally.
and then you'll have the whole wide world
before you.
Ii you are dissatisfied with your gov
eminent employment resign and start a
national bank Or frame up railroad
merger.
Etcetera, eteetera.
In view of the attitude of certain of the
powers that be--heads OF government de-
partments, legislators, and so on--toward
government employees in Washington during
the past few years, the following rules and
regulations, to be added TO the 2314,576 al
ready promulgated for the guidance of gov
eminent clerks in Washington, are submit
ted:
L. No government clerk shall eat ehoco-
late cellars sweet potato pie for lunch,
those articles of food having a soporific er-
feet, and tending, therefore, TO injure the
value of the government units afternoon
labors.
=. Upon meeting a Secretary or assistant
secretary of a department in a corridor or
on the street the government clerk under
the grade OF chief of division shall stand
at attention, heels together, eyes to the
front and salute after the manner pre-
scrfbed in army regulations. In similar cir
cumstances, the government employee OF the
grade of chief of division shall walk for
ward. with a cozening smile and an air OF
abjectness and serviIity, and offer to brush
the dust from the collar Of the Secretary
or assistant secretary.
8. Every government clerk shall be re-
quired to save at least one-thfrd of his
salary, and submit satisfactory proof that
he has done the same when so called upon,.
Upon pain of instant dismissal when found
In disobedience of this order
4. The secretary assistant secretary of
O. department shall have the privilege. at
any and all times, of looking at each clerks
wad, of ascertaining how much e3ch clerk
is spending, how much he is saving, how
he is saving it, where he is saving it, how
much he is in debt. how much he isn't, and
If so why not, this information being
deemed necessary for the proper regulation
of the government business.
). Any government clerk whose breath
smells of ginger pop, sarsaparilla, or any
other injurious and deleteriouS compound
upon his return to his office from lunch
shall be instantly reported 10 bis. sup erior by
the timekeeper on the door, and summary
dismissed the service for gross and habituaa
drunkenness.
g. Any government clerk who expresses
the profane and blasphemous belief that
civilian employees of the government, after
forty years or so of faithful service, are
just as much entitled to little, retirement
pensions as soldiers. who render service In
uniform, shall be instantly dismissed and
then turned over to the authorities to be
tried for vagTaney.
I. ANY existing laws limiting the hours of
labor of government clerks, especially that
statute said to. exist which stipulates- that
all Washington departments shall close at
[ O'Clock on Saturdays, are hereby. sabro-
gated. Any government clerk who whispers
that the maker of this order hasn't got the
misunderstanding power will be summary
dismissed. So.
5. Every government clerk is required to
purchase and read copy of THE Snug
Life and to use the same as manual OF
existence.
g. Gray-haired government clerks shall
heneeforth be required to dye their hair
black as 1t is considered undesirable that
there shall be anything old or musty-look-
ing around the government departments.
In fhfac
ernment service shall be dismissed with p
recommendation of mercy to the Little Sis
ters of the Poor.
IL. Any government clerk who Is caught
using the phrase "a square deal In a
sardonic sense shall be hurled out of the
department and turned over to the police
authorities for trial on the charge of dis
orderly eonducts
70 The Japanese art of jia-jitsu having
been tried and adopted the Chinese institu-
ton known as the kow-tow, to be used by
government clerks in the presence of tlTefr
superiors, is about to be inaugurated A
kow-tow manual will be issued to each gov
ernment clerk for his instruction.
Ii. The thirty days annual leave Is a
favor, and not right. Government em-
ployes are required to keep this in mind.
IA There are lot OF other things that
are deemed only favors, and not rights.
Government clerks shall keep this fact In
mind. toe.
Is. The so-caIled rights Of government
clerks are hereby defined to mean: Any
lining they think they can get
49, 1t is to be understood. however, that
none of these se-called rights Is TO hold
water If 1t interferes with what the govern
ment clerks immediate or distant superiors
desire to give him.
IL Female employees OF the government
are hereby forbidden to powder their noses
before leaving their offices at half-past
O'Clock. the same being deemed unseemly.
Is. Every government employee Is required
to possess sufficient real estate TO permit of
creditors judgments against him being coli
leeted.
A whole lot more could be suggested.
But what's the use?