davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
SECOND PRIZE =.
This story gets So.
Observation-Disclosures.

There was an absentminded professor
out at LELAND Stanford university who
used to take long walks late in the
evening. One night he was walking
alone ins:aeep me Citation when he col,
Hded with COW 80 $50 s,s s;s go s.
Thinking it was his friend, the school
teacher, he politely dotted his hat and
made a profound bow, saying: II beg
your pardon, madam - -: i. :
After going little further he really
did collide with the schoolteacher. Re
calling his previous experience, he ex.
claimed in utter disgust: els that you
again, you brute!" &C. s. Storey.
Staples, MINI
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Out Of His System.

A prominent minister had contracted
a severe cold. On Sunday morning, in
the presence of Sambo, his colored
servant, he announced his inability to
preach, upon which his faithful Sambo
protested, go, massa, YOU bsttah, I
think yo' bettah preach that sermon. :"
But the minister insisted that his
hoarseness would not permit. The per-
sistent sambo pleaded, eyes, yo' can,
massa, yes, yo' can; T know yo' can
preach that sermon.'' '.~s'...s ~~.>.. .
The minister reluctantly consented.
AT the close of the service, Sambo, his
black face shining, was the first to
inquire, And how does yo' feel now,
massaa'
"Better, Sambo,'' he responded.
go, massa, I knowed yo' would, I
knowed yo'd feel bettah when yo' got
that there sermon out o. you system.''
Mrs. L. B. C.
Audubon Mimi
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04

vas at Boston recently, when the
painter Of the picture approached him
and said: "You seem to like that pic
ture.'
Like It'll" answered Goodwin. "a
man who would perpetuate think like
that ought to get six months. =
This was too much for the artist.
Why, what do you know about
paintings You're only an actor. How
can you know a bad picture7 You
never painted one"
No. drawled Goodwin, "that' 8
true enough, but I know bad egg
when | run across it, and, would you
believe it, never laid one, either
r. L., Elma, Iowa.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
THIRD PRIZE
This story gets So.
No Hurry at All.

A lazy and loquacious man whose
farm lies just outside Of Worcester,
Eng, called at a neighbours house re-
Gently.
"sit down, sit DOWN." exclaimed
The neighbor.
."I don't know as ought" replied
the farmer, but nevertheless he sat
down. After some talk about the crops
and the value Of an adjoining piece of
ground, the farmer said slowly: 1T
don't know as I ought to be sitting
here; came over to see if T could
get ladder; our house is aflre.''
-, p. E. p,
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
"Teddyn Washington.

TEDDY Washington.
AT the time that the children Of the
baby room were talking about the pil-
grims and Of their. coming to a free
country the question was asked:
do we have kingf"
With one accord the children re-
sponded, emo; we have president. -
The next question: "Who is our
president7' elected various replies,
when one young America shouted:
Il know; it Is Teddy Washingtonl''
Teacher.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04

The gossiping Of women during
church services annoyed the minister,
so he adopted this plan to stop it. At
certain signal from him, the choir
was to stop singing suddenly. He gave
the signal, and the choir stopped short
two women who were whispering
never noticed, and one of them was
heard to say, ~ always fry mine in
lard.'
"And now that we know that she
always fries hers in lard" remarked
the minister, eve will finish the
hymn" There was peace after that.
#,st II, J.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Gould Remember Some THINGS,

A travelling missionary, being COM
PEELED to take lodging at country
house, during his conversation that
evening approached the good farmer
thus: "
"And how many children have you,
Mr.. Burdock9"
Farmer B, doubtfully, "WelI, now, I
dunno. There's Dick and John and
Kate-wife, how many children are
there around here?''
The patient wife answered mime;
five boys and four girls.
"A fine family, J" said the mission
airy, and fine farm, Mr. Burdock.
You keep stock [ presume7 z
Yes, sir; oh, yes! I've got 173 head
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Buying Speed,

An old colored man had a mule that
would not move for him., He pulled
and dragged the mule until he was ex-
hausted, and fnallyrhe sat down and
said, "Well ole teller, yo's got. de
best. OBJ me.'' zy8@ $ .... ~ 48E.zs =
There was a drugstore across the
street, and an idea. struck him. He
went across, and said! etood 'oe.s a~s:.'
'7"Has you fgotS anytt ing what II
make dat mule obs mine gog'"' ~ ~. :. :
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Observed Prophecies.

A young man took his best girl to
church last Sunday night and as the
church was well filed he stopped at one
Of the rear pews and said to the usher:
IL guess we can squeeze in here,''
eyes, said the usher, with a sub
dued smile, IT guess you can, but prob
ably It would be better for all con
cerned to wait until you get home. -.
Bessie Cas- well,
Prairie Farm, Wis. .'S.e
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Force OF Habit.

In a certain western central office
one "hello'' girl was always late in
arriving in the morning. Time and
again the manager had told her to be
more prompt. Her hardness con-
tinued until he was moved to desperate
methods. p.
CHOW, Miss JONES', he said, one
morning, as he came to her with pack
age in his hand. IT have a little
scheme which hope will help you to
arrive at the office on time; Here is a
fine alarm clock for you. Promise me
that you Will use it, J. s......% r. ~;
The. young woman promised and set
the alarm for the proper hour when she
retired that night. @.@% ~ ~
At o. clock there was an awful whir-
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Price List Of Swear Words.

II Little Tommy was in the habit Of
using the word 'darn'' altogether too
frequently: His mother overheard him
one day, and said, "Tommy, if you will
stop using that word I will give you
rs cents.'
His older brother, hearing this, said:
!" Mother, if that word is worth rs
cents, I know one that is worth so.
xs,.-F. j. M.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04

IF a ton Of coal is placed on on the
ground and left there, and another ton
is placed under a shed, the latter Hoses
about 25s per cent of its heating power,
the former about Al per cent
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
The Secret Was Out.

Little Tommy's mother discovered
some bedbugs in the house one day..
and, calling Tommy to her, she said,
" Now, dear, you mustn't tell anyone
about these bedbugs, and I will try to
get rid of them as quick as can. We
will call this our secret. !"
A few nights later, Tommy's mother
gave a dinner. Tommy was sent to
bed before the guests arrived, but grew
restless and was unable to sleep when
he saw a bedbug on the wall. Just as
the guests were being seated at the
table he jumped out of bed and ran
to the head Of the stairs and shouted,
Mama, come up quick, one Of our Sc
crets is crawling on the wall. -
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
In a Nutshell.

Some years ago one Of our magazines
offered prize Of $500 to the lady who
could write the best essay on "How to
Manage Husband The essay should
not exceed 800 words.
The prize was actually awarded to
the lady who wrote the following:
81 do not need any 800. words to
tell How to Manage Husband 1t
takes just three words: Feed the
brute - -s.5s.@ - &C. F.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
of Jersey cattle, $50 sheep and ninety
one hogs. 20. N.
Cure for Poetry.

ttMy husband is SO poetic, said one
lady to another on a streetcar. Where
upon an honest, motherly ooking wo-
man INTERCEPTED with: ., }..
Excuse me, mum, but have you
ever tried rubbing his ints with
ahartshorn liniment7v r. 7.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Al Lesson Ii, Pronunciation.

A Lesson In Pronunciation.
A young colored nan who had been
sent to college upon returning to his
humble home on the plantation under
took to correct the language used by his
brothers and sisters. One day at the
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
He Couldn't Help Il.

He Couldn't Help It.
In Chicago one day, jurist entered
q restaurant. AS he sat down at a
table one Of the knights Of the nap
kin approached him and said, II have
deviled kidneys, pigs feet and calves
brains y
Well, what are your ailments to
meq" said the jurist, calmly. IT came
here to eat. A. G. Il.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
a Baptist view Of Methodisuo,

A Baptist View Of Methodisan.
Twin brothers, sons Of Baptist min
lister, owned a cat with a numerous fam
lily. One morning the boys decided
that the whole family should be hap
with water and officiated in turn.
The kittens seemed to realize the sig
nificance Of the performance and sub
mitted meekly, but the mother OBJ
jected seriously to being immersed and
used her claws. The one Officiating
threw her roughly on the ground and
scornfully exclaimed: "We1l, be an
old Methodist, then e. KIM.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04

ring from the alarm clock. The sleepy
"hello" girl rolled over in bed and
said sweetly, still asleep: ~ Busy, call
againl IS 81, IL q.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Deeply Impressed

Deeply Impressed.
"A teacher tells this:4a M 81
One of=my boys had skipped his
classes, deceived his,mother, been found
out, and caused much unhappiness all
around. I took him aside, and we had
heart-to-heart talk.
Johnny sat still, looking at me in
tently, and seeming to be deeply i'm
pressed. I thought I was making great
Roadway and that my little sermon was
surely penetrating Johnny's brain.
But you never can tell. Just as
reached the climax in my appeal to his
better self a light Of discovery broke
over Johnny.
Say teacher, he said earnestly,
It's your lower jaw that moves, ain It
itq''' William Hultuuist.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
The Reason why,

,
Many tales are told Of our genial
speaker of the house, Joseph e. Can
non, but this, one shows the humorous
character ?of Uncle Je'', in a new
light. Immediately after tsUncle Jo'
was defeated for the senate by Shelby
M. Cullom, representatives Of the
press gathered in a body in his hotel
to interview him. There were many
yelled illusions as to what had hap
pened in the Illinois legislature, and
also that "Uncle ,Jo'' had taken his
defeat much to heart. Finally one
young pencilpusher mustered up suf-
ficient courage to ask him outright:
"Now, Uncle 10, tell US just why
you were defeated. u r...,a.: -. z7.
Mr.. Cannon seized the inquirer by
the arm, led him away from the group
and then, leaning close to his ear,
whispered in a stage tone which could
be heard turnout the small hotel cor.
ridor, 1T didn't have votes enough. y
e. -. 49, -. a w
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04

Mama, when win Il doughnuti'
Pierpont, s. D. u. p.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04

table his brother said:
Gimme. some 'lasses. -
Don t say 'lasses; say molasses,
reproved the cultured one.
What's dat 70 talkin' about re-
tortcd the nneducated brother
How 81 gwine to say mo ylasses when
I ain Il had none yeti" &C. ].
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
!. A Precise Answer.

A witness in a murder trial was thus
questioned by the prosecuting attor-
ney: - s5.s 81 5. +
You say you saw the man shot at
and killedf 81 sg g$
eyes, sir. |s IS s..s.
"tYou said, il Isremember, that the
charge struck the deceased between
the diaphragm and the duodenum9',
4 $'ftNo, sir, exclaimed the indignant
witness. IT didn't say no. SIGH thing.
I said that he was shot between the
hogpen and the .woodshed z ~ -. E..
st: Cloud, Mimi .z=
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Doughnut as . Verb.

Four-year-old Ludwig came into the
kitchen where was busy, and asked:
Mama, what are you doing?"
After telling him that I was making
doughnut dough, he stood intently
watching for a while, and then said:
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04

(, A Nat Goodwin Story.
Nat Goodwin was examining a con-
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Art Aids for
Busy People
BY MARTHA C.. WELLS,
Chairman Of the Art Committee Of
the State FederatIona
Copyright, 1906.

\ Copyright 1906.
Raphael Sistine Madonna" and
Transfguration' and Other Works
-Domenichin IS st. Jerome. >;
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-03-04
Stopped Their whispering.

Audubon, MINI.
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14
) ASa LRDAT's STOCK MARKLG
Moderate But Persistent Absorption
 Higher Average Level of Prices.

New York, Aug. 19.-There was a moderate but persistent absorption of stocks in to-day's market, which ulti- mately lifted prices to a higher average level. The movement was halting and irregular in the early part of the day and had to contend with some speeula- live considerations which were given all
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14

Despite the Weakness of F. R. IT, Southern Pacific and Atchison Were the Leaders--over s2,oOO,OOO in Gold
 Comes from LOndon-GOssip of the
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14
Closing Prices.

The following are the closing prices reported by Prince & Whltely. Bankers and Brokers, 25 Broadway. New York. and 10 Center street, New Haven:
 Bid Asked
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14
NEIv roRK STOCK MARKET

On the New York Stock Exchange
 reported by Prince & Whitely, Bank CTS and Brokers. b2 Broadway, New York, and 1b Center street, New Haven. GNonn --~~' S@Ns
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14

unfaVorable tenor in the current opin- | ion. The bulk of the days business was
 largely congested in few speculative
 favorites. But those of this class which 1 have been most effective in their sym-
 pathetic influence on the general mar
 ket were again brought into promi-
 hence, with the result that the general price movement came into accor with them.
 St. Paul, Union Pacific and Southern Pacific have demonstrated their capac- lity many times recently to carry the l list with them. The buying to-day was calculated to convey the impression of accumulation by Well-informed insiders as to coming developments regarding these stocks. The rumors current which attempted to give shape to these devel- opments offered no novelty asd were devoted to the expected plan fJr financ- ing the Pacific coast extension of the St. Paul, to the expected dividend in- crease in Union Pacific and to the in- augural dividend on Southern Pacific, which rumor to-day fixed quite explic- ttly at the per cent. rate.
 An unsettling influence in the early dealings was the break in Brooklyn
 Rapid Transit, which was caused by the judicial decision against the com pany's right to collect double fare to Coney Island, and to the disorders which resulted yesterday from the de- termination to collect the double fare The Interborough-M Metropolitan stocks moved strongly away from the Brook lyn stock, influenced by the statistics
 for traffic for the last quarter over the
 Manhattan borough lines and by the reports of earnings from Albany
 The stiffness of the call money mar
 ket proved a restraint on the early Speculation and this was not relieved at once by the news that the bulk of
 the $250O,000 of gold arrivals in London had been secured for New York The effect of the engagement on the London
 market was so pronounced as to give
 warning of possible unfavorable effects from it's extension which might be re- fected again on the New York market. The price of gold was bid up a penny an ounce in London in order to secure the gold, and money and discounts im- 'mediately rose. The stock market there was also affected by the prospect of .dearer money, and some selling of se- curities in New York for the account was the result. There was some easing in the call loan rate here later in the day. The days gains wero not fully maintained to the last and tne closing
 was rather heavy.
 Some of the low interest bearing bonds were offered down, apparently in sympathy with the lower price level at which the New York Central general 12s have settled with the dissolution of the underwriting syndicate. The general tone was irregular. Total sales, par value, $1,360,000.
 United States bonds were unchanged on call.
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14
The Union Trust Co

NEW HAVEN.
 CHARTERED by the State of Con. Executor, Administrator, Guardian. Re. ceiver, OF Trustee, under. will or deed
 Is legal depository. of money paid Acts as Trustee for Municipalities, Cor. porations and individuals, and admin. isters trusts of all kinds. Empowered to act as registrar Of stocks. bonds or other evidence of indebtedness, manage sinking funds, and do all business such as usually done by trust companies.
 It also does general banking bus and receives deposits. The prineInsi of each trust is invested by itself and kept separate and apart from the general assets of the Company. This Company is by law regularly eK- amined by the bank examiner of the State of Connecticut. -,
 HENRY l.. HOTCHKIss. PresfdenG.s
 EUGENE S, BRISTOL TreaEurer.
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14
Consolidated stock Exchange.

Reported ever private wire by ". 3, Smith & Co.,. 71 Broadway. N. r, New Haven office, $40 Chapel street. Norman A. Tanner. MaIlager.
 HiRh, Low Bid Asked
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14
New York, Aug. IS. IJiob ' au, Co,
Chicago Market.

Reported over private wire by W. B. Smith 6 Co, Il Broadway New York New Haven office, 24 Center street; Nor man A, Tanner. manager
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14
Cotton Market.

Reported by Dick Bros. & Co.. mem- bers of New York Stock and Cotton Ex- changes. Branch office. No. sS Center street.
 New Vorly Auo 9Q
The daily morning journal and courier., 1906-08-14
Boston Stock Quotations,

Reported over private wires of Horn- blower 6 Weeks, members of New York and Boston Stock Exchanges New Haven office, 27 Center street
 High. Low. Rid. Asired
The Globe-republican., 1906-04-19
$I.25
THE BEST

Boys, do not miss reading York Keys
ad.
Dilworth Baird will succeed Nelson
Crawford In the post office.
For SALE Secondhand windmill,
cheap. F. O'NEAL. If
"Buster Brown" a big attraction will
be at h. Gluck o IRA house on May 4.
John Padgett and Samuel Furthermore
were up from Spearville on business,
Tuesday.
Some very fine and expensive fixtures
have been put In by Glssell & Son In
their Ice cream parlor.
Bring us your repairing. We do the
best work pIonptly.-P. 81. Young.
Matchmaker and Manufacturing Jewler,
Insure your wheat with the McPhers0n
Mutual, their new plan and rate Ia salts.
factory. = LORD & Brown, Agents.
Office under Bee H We Store. 4-19tf
The Rev. VIM. Westwood, former pas
tor OF the Presbyterian church Of this
place, at present wee. president Of the
EmporiA cole = viii remain In Dodge
City over Sunday and will preach bo'h
morning and evening at the Presby terian
church. Rev Westwood pnt In a num-
Der Of years IN charge OF the Presby-
terrain church OF this city and was very
popular alike with his own people and
the public at large, and they will be
glaapf the opportunity of hearing him
once again speak from the pulpit.
The : B. girls we're entertained by
Mrs. Lillian O'Neil on Saturday the IA,
which was Lily day The Misses Lulu
Sturm, Helen Jastatt and Sallie Hardesty
were present as guests. The rooms were
filed with the fragrance Of the Easter
Lilies and together with the pure white
decorations and the charming girls 10
their dainty gowns, the scene was a
bright and happy one. The refreshments
were also IL white, the eggs being served
in regular nest Of hay Miss De Elite
Reighard will be the hostess on April the
IS, on which day the Poppy will be the
hOnOred flower.
Prof. Popenoe calls attention to the
fact, In connection with the discovery Of
serious rayagss by the San Jose scale at
Dodge City, that Kansas Ia one OF Q very
few states that Is without law for the
inspection and quarantine OF nursery
stock The Introduction Of the scale In
Dodge City he thinks 10 due to this alb
sencs Of quarantine regulations. The at
tentIon OF the state should be called to
Prof. Popenoe's statement that there 10
danger that without such regulations
Kansas NAV become dumping ground
for infected nursery stock and young
trees The fruit industry will need care.
full protection from now on.--Topeka
Capital.
The Globe-republican., 1906-04-19
HAD KNOWLEDGE OF MEDICINE
Comprehensive Treatise Written by
Egyptian 1000 Years Ado.

Comprehensive Treatise Written by
Egyptian 1000 Years Ago.
A roll of papyrus acquired by DR..
Ebers, in the vicinity Of Thebes,
Egypt, In the winter of 1872, from an
Arab who made ancient grave rob.
bling business, after investigation
and translation was deposited in the
library Of the University OF Leipsic.
The script Of this papylus is hieratic;
the date Of 1t Is said to be over 1000
years ago. 1t is a comprehensive
treatise on medicine. Diseases of the
abdomen, the chest, the heart, the
eyes, the ears and 80 on are carefully
arranged and described In manner
that would command respect at the
present day. For instance, Of the
heart, the papyrus classifies the trou-
bles as fatty degeneration, dilation,
carditis, angina or spasm. hypertro-
ply enlargement, thrombosis (plug-
ging) and dropsy, OF medicines over
seven hundred different substances
are enumerated and they are pre-
scribed In pills, In tablets, In capsules,
In decoctions, powders, inhalations,
lotions, ointments, plasters.