The Press., 1906-05-02
THE PENSION OFFICE
HUMOR THAT SPICES THE ROUTINE
 WORK OF THE OFFICIALS.

! 1 WORK OF THE OFFICIALS.
 Some of the Quaint and Original An-
 p1icatiOns For Payments That Have
 Been Handed In to the Representa-
 lives of Uncle Sam.
 If he dared to do so the commissioner
 >f pensions at Washington could com l pile delightful volume, putting there
 in the strange applications for pensions
 that come to his office. Some of these
 letters belong to the ''too good to keep''
 class, and they find their way out into
 the world, where they add good deal
 to the hilarity of nations. Some appli-
 cants for pensions manifest the most
 childlike ignorance regarding the meth
 cd of procedure necessary when apply
 ing for pension. They seem to think that all they have to do is to send an
 application to the pension office and Uncle Sam will forward check by re-
 turn mail.
 Soon after the close of the civil war
 there came to the pension office in
 Washington the following unique and poetical application for d pension that
 went the rounds of the newspapers years ago:
 to Commissioner of Pensions Washington. | these many years I've tried in vain | an honest pention to obtain For wound received in Sixty one at first Battle of Bull Run | one of ohioes sons so brave who went to the front the union to save AoI ,flek n | d rebel Shell took half my sight | Not content by taking an Eye this treacherous shell in Passing by l took my Eye Brow Clear of the bone and Left me as unconscious as stone burning blister of Crystal Clear from the jaw bone to the Ear | but thanks to god my life was spared Cheek and Eye brow but Sitely Scared and one Eye was left to me | for to wright and read Poetre | l hope that with that Eye to see the day ! when unkel Sam his Cripples will Pay.
 Much more recent is the letter sent to the commissioner of pensions by an applicant who had contracted blood poisoning in the following remarkable manner:
 I got blood poison by beinge hit with a hens eg wen I cam back from the frunt The eg was not good wen you send my pension 1 want the Deed made sos my wife can't get none of it. She throde the eg. She war rebbel
 Equally appealing and remarkable was another letter sent to the pension office in which the applicant set forth his claims to pension in this wise:
 The way I got my War ingery was a ketchin of a hog. The Hog war wanted by our captain for forege. We was chasin the hog and she crawled threw a hole an thot I were about the size of the hog and tried to crawl threw. but i stuck an in tryin to wiggle out I throde the rales off one it hit me on my he'd and hooked me senseless. I do not think the hog had nothin to do with my line of duty, for I did not ketch the hog. Wich she never was caut, so pleze send along my pension.
 One aged pensioner had evidently made a serious blunder by taking unto himself a wife in his old age, for love of gain seems to have been the motive of the woman who married him if the following letter stated the facts in the case:
 Dear Mister Government Pleze to fix up my penshun papers so as my wife cant draw my twelve dolers a munt when I am ded. she say she marryed me for lov an to be a ole mans Darling but now no 1t was for to git my penshun on her. self by being my Widower so pleze let my penshun end with me but pleze doant let on to her that you got this from me or i would have a hot time of it and times is hotter now than can stand. So when I send word that am no moar then send her this if you want to but not until the penshun is shut off whitch 1t is her just desserts for marvin for money an -ko a Mersheenary spirrut.
 One day there came to the pension office a very old and subdued looking man who could scarcely totter along with the help of two canes. By his side was a very robust and perfectly self reliant young woman of perhaps thirty years of age. When some one went forward to ask what was wanted the young woman said:
 well, I'll just tell you. This is my husband, and we ain't getting enough pension-that's what we ain't. We're getting only $10 month, and we know a man that wasn't in the war half as long as my husband was and didn't get a shot in him and he gifts his SIP a month, and we want our pension raised to that figger or more."
 One applicant was willing to give the most palpable proof of the genulneness of his injuries, for he wrote as follows:
 If you don't think I was shott in the war I am willing to come on there and you or any one else can lay their finger on the bullet imbedded in my back which panes me when I stoop or lay on 1t and which 1t has brought on permnent dis ability so I can't work like I used to could I guess if you would speak to Pres ident Maykinley and tell him about the bullet he would say to send on the pen ton and any medikel doctor would say the same. A doctor here will go his af- fydavitt that he has layed his fingers on the bullet wich I am proud of as scars of War where I fit and bled for my country wich 1t is America and Union forever.
 New York Tribune