The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-11-27
PILGRIM JOE.
His r. r. 4. Continues to DO the Busi-
ness.

AS several prospective candidates FOL
i the next presidency are claiming to bt
i the original inventors OF my Pilgrim
Rain AlleviatOr, and as several horse
/ thieves are at the present date selling
/ q connection throughout the wesf
4 wrapped up in counterfeit labels,
deem 1t my duty by the public to pause
in my career and say a few words o1
a personal nature.
In the year 1885, while was rowing
on q millpond IL Ohio. the bottom OF
4 the boat fell out and + went through
| to the bottom of the pond. When ]
rose to the surface I had my hands full
4 OF weeds and was drawn ashore with
them 1t was the taste Of those weeds
In my mouth that led to the COM
pounding Of my Pain Alleviator.
The roots from the bottom of that
pond form the main ingredient In
addition to these, there are three other
roots, all Of which must be gathered
from the fields and woods on dark
nights by the aid Of a lantern and a
talloW candle. 1 alone know their
names and where they grow.
The roots must be boiled and the
water strained by a cross-eyed old
one such woman in the United States,
and she is under contract to me for the
next twenty years. Her daughter, who
does the bottling and pastes on the
labels, is near-sighted, red-headed and
has three mOies on her chin in the
form of a triangle. She is under bond
not to marry for the next one hundred
years.
The bottles are boxed, marked and
shipped by a hunchback boy who has
lost one ear by a thunderbolt. and are
drawn to the depot by a red horse who
was carried over Niagara Falls and
came out alive. He is under heavy
bonds not to sell his services to any
baseball team or have anything what
ever to do with any other manufac-
turer of remedies
The public must see from the above
how utterly impossible it is for any
other person on the face of this earth
to manufacture and sell the genuine
Pilgrim Pain Alleviator- Demand to
see the bottle before you buy. If 1t
has my name blown into the glass you
are saved from the grave; if not, shun
the stuff as you would a politician
who asked you to vote for him on the
grounds that he was an honest man.
The counterfeit Alleyiator as sold by
horse thieves and certain druggists,
has been known to kill a strong man
in fifteen minutes. In Kansas, one bot
tie caused the death of five persons in
one. family In Missouri three men
terfeit mixture and keeled over in
their tracks.
In South Dakota, only two months
ago, Miss Helen Schermerhorn, aged
As, and who had spent twenty years
trying to catch a husband, had finally
brought O man to the point and was
about to be married when he COM
planned of a frightened feeling. Fear
ing that he would break out, she walk
Ell thirteen miles to a drug store and
got what the druggist said was a bot
Tie Of my AlleviatOr. a dose of this
was administered to the bridegroom,
and he hadn't had 1t down ten min
atea when his eyes began to roll and
his back to hump up. and with the
exclamation: ''Oh darlingi" on his
CHASTITY lips he fell dead. 1t is needless
10 add that the druggist was lynched
oy an Infatuated mob, and that Miss
is utterly discouraged
In Oklahoma, last summer, at a
gathering of Sunday school children,
/ stranger came along and induced |
fourteen of them to sip from what he |
3alled a bottle of Pilgrim Pain Allev- |
ator Half an hour later the last Of
hem died in awful agony. The man
escaped, and is believed to have gone |
east to go into politics.
In Montana. less than three months |
igo, a widow and her eight children |
vent to the graveyard to weep over
he grave of her departed While the /
line were sorrowing a stranger came |
along and called himself by name and |
advised a hearty drink from a bottle Of |
Alleviator The widows emotions were |
90 great to permit her to swallow, but /
he eight children drank and became I
angels There was the husbands grave /
IN the one hand and eight dead chill /
iren on the Otheri Is it any wonder |
hat when she had an offer of mar /
'iage next day from man who had |
'idden ten miles on a bob tailed cay /
Use she indignantly spurned it?
/ could mention scores and scores of /
1ther cases. but these must surely suf-
ice. Never fool with anything put up T
n bottle Be sure that it is what I
you want or pass it on to a neighbor /
md let him do the dying act. Most |
farmers in the west now engage their 7
lelp with the understanding that they |
must taste of all remedies first. In this |
way many valuable lives are saved |
every year.
/ sell nv Alleviator to the trade and |
positively insist that it shall be handled |
only by druggists of good moral stand |
ng, but the public must help me to |
protect myself and themselves. If you |
and q druggist who plays the races !
swears, drinks and plays poker, beware I
Of him.
I employ no travelling agents. am |
he only and original Pilgrim Joe I |
nave long white whiskers, a bald head, |
Ind my general attitude borders on |
he unctuous. You would take me for /
regular minister of the gospel If I /
lid not chew tobacco and yell at my /
horse.
outfit. I drive spotted horse before
IN ancient wagon and take tn-types
It ten cents take. Warts, moles \
ma scars are retouched out before
printing. i make the picture OF rat /
woman Weighing two hundred pounds
ook like a fairy of sixteen. I pose
armers, cowboys and miners in he
Ole attitudes before taking. They
.ome forth looking like Napoleon,
Washington or Grant
I carry with me under the wagon a
lighting dog. He wears a peaceful.
creamy look. but do not be deceived
lie can lick anything of his weight
n America, and have got money to
Jet on 1T.
! also carry grasshopper in a bot
lie. He is an orphan whom ] picked
ID on the plains of Kansas two years
go I match him against any bug