West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-01-25
Has Been IndiSpossd From the Worry
and Excitement Of Trying 10
Save His Pies and Machine.
INSURGENTS GETTING TOO CLOSE
70 the Machin, For the Safety Of the
Pies-At Last he Receives Cable
legram From Gov. Dawson Who
Is Sojourning IL South Africa
Locking After the We'll
fare Of the Boors.

Some evil person started the re-
port that the Insurgents had cap.
tured me and were holding me a
PRISONER for a ransom. The report
is absolutely false. have been in.
disposed from overwork and worry
Having passed the age of chloro-
form l have not the strength to
combat an army of Insurgents who
are still bent on depriving me of
my pies and destroying the Ma
chine which cost Gov. Dawson a
fortune to perfect.
Some poetic genius has said that
"an honest man is the noblest work
of God" AS have always been
considered one of the honest it
pains me to say that the insurgents
are getting up closer every day to
the Machine, and if they advance
as rapidly in the next six months as
they have in the past six months
will take the Air Line route back TO
Preston. / am too old to kick, but
not too cowardly 10 run. / won
my Government pension on my re
cord as sprinter during the sixties
when the Johnnies were in the In
surgent business. Some how it has
fell to my lot to try and teach the
Insurgents the error of their way.
Comrade Leader Shaw has always
been my bosom companion in this
missionary work. The last letter
from Preston conveys the good news
that the Leader is still conducting
religious services and making
heroic effort to reclaim the grafters
who have been source of annoy
ance to the people.
The main cause of my indisposi-
tion was worrying over the fate Of
Gov. Dawson whom l could not
hear from since he left Cuba aud
sailed for South Africa. sent
many cablegrams to him but could
get no reply. am happy tom
form my friends back in Preston
that have just received letter this
evening from Gov. Dawson. 1t is
dated Ladysmith and reads as fol-
lows.
"From the land of Boerism send
you greetings ! trust that you are
still in full possession of the pies
and the Machine. During my sea
voyage this is the only thing that
caused me loss of sleep and made
me deaf to the gong summoning US
on deck to partake of the good
things prepared for us. The Insur
gent terror was my daily thoughts
and nightly dreams. How l loDged
TO be by your side to comfort and
console you. But duty calls me
here. Like Brigham Young and
Elijah Dowie who were started on
their mission bv inspiration / was
inspired to teach the people the true
secret of taxation. Having eman-
cipated my own people from the
false doctrine Of fair cash value tax
alton to the true and actual value
taxation / journeyed to Canada and
spread the gospel. Thence to Cuba
where the people were fleeing from
the Insurgents until / arrived and
planted the banner of Tax Reform
Having thus performed my mission
in Canada and Cuba / sailed for
South Africa to further immorialize
the name of Dawson, the Great
American Tax Reformer and Pie
Dispenser ! SO here | am in Lady
smith creating more excitement
among the people than the land
ing of the British army. IL would
battle the descriptive pen of Major
Chas. ID. Elliott TO depict the NOV
ing scenes as strut along the street.
The Major may traverse the Valley
} OF the Shenandoah and do justice to
that historic Valley, where you and
many of your comrades we're kept
busy doding the whir of the bullet
and the roar of the cannon, while
remained at home to work for the
good of the Grand Old Party and
advocate the pensioning of you old
veterans when you come marching
home and discovered that held
mortgage on the Pie Wagon. The
old veterans owe me a debt of grati-
tude that they can never pay. All
ask Of them is that they stand firm
in support Of my tax laws and pie
wagon. I look to you, my dear
Rambler, to keep them IN line il
you value youa pie.
"South Africa is the most fertile
soil ] have yet found for the propi-
cation Of my Tax Reform. have
just learned that the word ''Boer," "
translated into the American Ian
guage as / speak it means farmer
So here | am in a land where every
one is a Boer, except those VINO are
diamond hunters. They tell me
that diamonds are more plentiful
here than pies are in America.