The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-03-25

TRAITS ana SfdIIeTS Is funny lnlHSS,
amt they?'' said the Office Boy, throw
ing to one side the paper he had been
reading. He had recovered from his
attack of neuralgia and had been back
at the office several days when he
opened the conversation with this re-
mark.
The reporter looked at his diminutive
chum inquiringly- The Office Boy took
the hint quickly, and continued:
Now, grating is a science. It's a
profession. If you learn a science well,
no one has anything dark and distaSte-
full to throw at you when you get with
in hearin' distance. If you are a doctor
and kill a man quietly, you get paid
and it's all to the fineree. The relatives
say you are a noble guy and dig up 200
bones with nOthin' warm up their
sleeve. You tell them you hated to cut
him into hash, but you had to kill him
to have his life. Now, that's a graft.
There amt no gettin' around it. The
to save his life. Now, that's a graft.
the brain from loss of thinking but he
was too sick to howl when you said he
had diarthinyical pheuphobiousness of
the spusmitatics. That's a disease that
needs cutting and ripping and opening,
and nets $500 with no questions asked.
You play the game of graft well. He
was rich and his disease will be dis
cusSed at tea parties and the noble eff
forts you made to save his life will
bring you carloads of pink invitations,
and you will be called in to attend to
every poodle dog in the neighborhood.
You viii ride in an automobile and get
a bonus from the cemeteries.
But If you tell a wealthy man he has
got bunions or heartburn from eating
too much, your name is dennis, with a
small d. You will be driven from the
house and your name will be put on
the 5punko lists. But doctors amt the
only ones out with a big mitt. No. sirI
| Grating is the backbone of other bust
nesses besides the saw-bones-and-kiIl-
/ 'em profession
Selling Pictures of Mine.
Take the mining business. You go
| back east with a grip bullying with pref
! ty printed pieces of paper with
SHARES written across the top. That's
| stock. Then underneath you have a
| picture of a, man digging in a mine, a
| mule car and then the name of your
mine. What mine? Why, you chumpI
A mine don't need to be in it. People
will buy these pieces of paper as fast
as you can take their greenbacks. Then
| leave the country and settle down to
| high life with cocktail fountains run
ming in your front yard. No one will
say anything. You can ask the COP OF
the beat that passes your house to come
in and battle in your champagne
plunge, and he will walk by your house
| when some one wants to know where
you live to answer witness summons
| and take him to a coal shed further
down the street.
| g There is where he used to live the
cop will say, but he went to paint the
| north pole red, white and blue for next
Fourth of July, and won't be home til
morning.
you are a CRATER and you have q
good graft.
! THE whole secret of getting on these
days is having a good graft. When yOJ
steal, steal enough to block your way
| to jail. Justice is blind but she knows
the touch of silver. The judge isn't 81
| unfair as to send q friend to prison
Get enough money to make the judge
your friend. Whoever is worth doing
IS worth doing we'll Don't be a butcher
There is no money in that business, anC
it suffers from a superabUndance o.
flies in the summer time and too mucI
rheumatism in the winter. Buy all tn,
cattle you can see with the money yol
get from your cheese or milk mine
Then starve the cattle and send tn,
price Of beef up. Then starve the PEG
pie and send the price of beef up anoth
er notch. Then sell a 50 COW, no ex
animation allowed, for $50 per pound
counting hOOfs and horns in the weight
Get a coal mine, then shut ii down
Wait until winter. The rest will do it
self When coal is so scarce peOpl