davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
Extracting the sunshine

Mark Twain long ago solved the prob
lem OF growing old gracefully. He has
managed 10 keep the bright and hopeful
side Of all things before his eyes. Even
his sorrows have been viewed from the
standpoint Of an apostle Of sunshine.
In the Boston Herald a writer directs at
tention to the following extract from one
o. Mr.. Clemens recent contributions 10
the North American Review. in which he
speaks Of the death of his daughter,
Susy:
Susy died at the right time the fortunate time Of
life. the happy age. twentyfour years At twenty
four such girl has the best Of life-life as d
happy dream After that, risks begin, respoasibili-
ties come. and with it the cares the sorr0ws. and
the inevitable tragedy For her mohers sake I
would have brought her back from the grave If I
could, but would not have done it for ny own
Could any philosophy be finer than
that? No; very few men can see, as
Mark Twain always seems 10 see. the
real nugget Of gold among the baser sur
rounding clods. Very few ar. permitted
10 die just at the happiest moment; very
few are permitted 10 leave behind them
loved ones, who can, and do, see the
brightness through the apparent dark
ness. 1t is only the Mark Twains who
are permitted TO point out this philosophy
Of sunshine 70 their fellows. It is a
great thing 70 die. we should think, at
the right time, the fortunate time of life,
the happy age" And it is an even great
er thing to know that some loved one has
died just so.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
DR.. Crapsey's Apostasv.

Church circles are finding a fruitful
topic Of discussion In the decision of the
diocesan court by which the Rev. Dr.. A.
5. Crapsey. Of Rochester, y. Y, was con-
demned TO suspension from the Protestant
Episcopal Church for denying the nnl-
raculous birth of Christ and His physical
resurrection and ascension. With the ex-
ception Of one denomination, church dis
cipline is so loosely applied in the United
States that affairs Of this kind always
create more or less exciting debate among
Churchmen Of all denominations. The
Briggs case is still fresh in the public
mind. but as in practice the Presbyterian
disciplinary spirit is sterner than that
Of other denominations, except the Roman
Catholic. not SO much surprise was caused
by that incident as doubtless will be
aroused by the open apostasy Of DR.. Crap
sey and the punishment inflicted upon him
for it.
DR.. Crapsey has been unfrocked for re-
fusing longer to preach the creeds of his
church. Whether authority abides in anv
body OF Episcopal clergymen in the
United States to deny one of their num-
Der the right to expound essential re-
hgfous convictions that are at variance
with the doctrines prescribed in the books
is question Of episcopacy and ecclesias-
ticism beyond the broad domain Of secular
judgment or interference. The fact and
not the cause is the element Of main in
terest 10 laymen, and brings them around
with a sharp turn TO a realization Of
dormant conditions that are still factors
in workaday life. DR.. Crapsey doubt
less will now be the center Of a group
OF religionists who will strive to estab-
hsh a new order Of things spiritual
movements which always appeal to con
siderable bodies of men and women for
reasons that are as varied as their fol-
lowers are numerous. Whether disturb
ances OF this kind have any real infu-
enee upon the dominant religious thought
Of the time, whether they even draw
from the denomination directly involved
more adherent than are attracted to the
ereeds so boldly attacked, is a question
which, II II were susceptible TO ready an
swer' would shed a great flood of light
upon that phase of the established re-
hgion Of the race which is of more inter
est than any other. and that is whether
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
MIR. DOoLEYs PHILOSOPHY.
Some Timely Dissertations Collected
from HIS Latest Book.

''Th' man that names tn Pullman cars
an tn pa-aper collars iv this country is
the greatest pote, whoiver he is"
I have a theory that all thrue eio-
quence comes firm tails iv tn coat, an II
ye made an orator change into a short
coat he wud become def an dumb"
Most iv tn OF married men I know
threat their wives Ike rockin' chair
a great comfort whin they're tired, but
apt TO be in tn way at other times"
WAS tn wurruld iver amy more SIM
pie thin it is to-day? doubt it. bet ye
there was a good dale iv talk about Adam
an Eve dhressin' ostentatiously an havin'
tn King Of BiIjum's ancestor to supper
with thin"
"Annyhow. what Is heroism? II a man
stops a runaway team that is dhraggin'
an empty milk wagon into a ditch he's not
a hero. He's a fool. The line is tightly
dhrawn, anyhow A hero is often sue
cissful fool. an a fool Is an unsuccessful
hero."
'Th' docthors bothers Us too much
about what we put into that mighty tough
Of man-iv-all wurruk, tn human stom-
ach. Hivin sint mos ~ US good digis-
tiOns. but tn docthors won't let him
wurruk. Tn strongest race iv rough
an'-tumble Americans that iver robbed a
neighbOr was raised on pie"
Well. he's a good man. an I'm with
him. said Mr.. Hennessy. Don't ye think
he right whin he wants 10 put limit on
how much money man can have%
I de- said Mr.. Dooley. but I'd rather
put limit on how little he can have
Don't ye believe it. said Mr.. Dooley.
Nobody is too smart 10 be bUnkOed. Tn
only kind iv people that can be bunkoed
are smart people. Ye can be too honest TO
be bunkoed. but niver too smart It's the
people that ar-re thryin' to get something
fr nawthin' that end in gettin' nawthin',
fr Everything.
It's sthrange about tn vice prisl-
dency,' said Mr.. DooIey. TIL presidency
is tn highest Office in tn gift iv tn peo-
pie Tn vice presidency is tn next high
est an tn lowest. It isn't crime ex-
sctly. Ye can't be sint to jail fr It, but
it's kind iv a disgrace"
I have read tn report, an now. whin
I'm asked 10 pass tn corned beef. 1 pass.
On. dear. tn things I've consumed IN days
past. What Is lard? Lard Is anything
that isn't good enough fr an axle. What
is potted ham? II is made in akel parts
iv plasther iv Paris. sawdUst, rope an
inCautious laborer. To what kingdom
does canned chicken belong? II is a min
eral. How is soup Get me tn fan,
Hinnissy'"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
THE INNOCENT BYSTANDER.
THE DOGFIsH HEN.

CThs eggs of the dogfsb are as palatable and n
trifiOus those Of the heu.-ReceEt scientific q
ooIeryl
We have a dogfsh hen, and on.
It's better far than chickens;
Ii does not care each day 10 go
Around and raise the dickens
By scratching uD the neighbors lawn
Or squawking in the alley
When some wild boys. sport bent upoI
For feathers make q sally.
Our dogfish hen, however, VIII
At times set Up a bowling
When all the world at night Is still:
And Oft we hear il growing
When bold marauders seek its nest
But then with satisfaction
We know that We may take our rest
Our watchdoghsh's IN action.
Next year We think that We will 90
A-yachting on the ocean,
And Wen enjoy the sail, We know,
Tor we've conceived a notion
OF taking, too. cur doghsh hen
To swim behind US gayly-
We'll trap a sea COW, too, and then
Have eggs and fresh milk daily.
Our dogish hen don't go TO roost-
II is no perch's daughter;
Il wags It's tail with JOY when Ioosed
Within its nest OF water,
And better still and better vet.
And even still more better,
Our d0gfish hen will never set
Because IL is no setter.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
Her Sarcasm Failed.

From the New York Globs
Al a prominent Broadway restaurant
last evening a young woman patron be-
came somewhat annoyed because Of the
s!oWness OF the service. Looking about
and not seeing the waiter 10 whom she
had given her order, she called another
waiter and said:
Kindly go into the kitchen and see
II my waiter has not been taken serious
ly III.
The man bowed respectfully and dis
appeared. In couple OF minutes he re-
turned
He IS IN perfect health. madam" he
reported. bowling
WHAT'S the good Of sarcasm?' asked
the young woman, after the waiter step
ped aside. But there was no answer.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22

Everybody knows that betting is carried
or at Benning. Twice each year Wash
ington is given over to gambling al the
track
The jockey club invested a large sum
Of money in it's equipment. Fine contests
/ in speed are given under most delightful
auspices. Some Of the best people are
patrons of the turf. They enjoy it and
believe in IT, An afternoon at BeuniEg
is invigorating and health-giving. il the
tip doesn't go wrong.
The Jockey club is composed OF gentle
men. Racing here they say, tends TO en-
courage the breeding Of horses. Possibly
it does. Virgiuians as Well as Washing
tonians. we know, are fond Of the racing
game. II is a pleasing diversion.
In certain directions the races are prof
table in a business way; in other direc-
tons Improbable.
Few will contend that any law is strong
enough or any set Of law officers vigilant
enough to keep men in the straight and
narrow path, or prevent their indulgence
In the passion for stalking money on
chance 1t can't be done Human nature
defies law. II a man cannot risk his
money the way he likes, he viii find a
means OF rislling it another way.
Few Will dispute either, that the pocket
ing Cf thousands upon thousands Of dol
lars by the bookmakers-cau them racing
commissioners, black-legs, or anything
you hke-constitutes heavy drain upon
the city, in a general way, twice a year
So h1e you have the case of the Wash
ington Jockey Club IN a nutshell-the case
in its practical aspects, without regard
20 any other aspect
Now is it not high time for Washing
ton 20 decide. once and for all, what it
is going 10 do about il? Why beat around
the bush any longer? The situation Is a
farce as it stands. The authorities are
miscast in farcical roles.
To become the laughing stock. as they
are doing, by conniving at a thing done by
devious methods that is not conGoned
when done in the usual way; to fail 10 see
what everybody else is seeing; 10 be play
ing the silly dupe 70 the gentlemanly
gambler from New York-such d spectacle
is unworthy and humiliating II brings
to forfeit the respect of the community
This is not TO be desired.
II we are to have the races-and il
seems 10 be a settled proposition that
racing without bookmaking is impossible
IL Washington wants this racing at Ben
ming. then let Us be done with the farclcal
feature Of it. Quit evading and Quibbling
Nobody is deceived Enforce the law or
disregard 1t. DO one thing or the other
Give the bookmakers license 10 operate
openly, or suppress them.
Call the spade a spade, and let it go at
that.
Let the authorities be honest with them
selves. al least At present they are in a
ridiculous phght-more ridiculous. in
deed, than when the ''bookies" and the
"'touts" had full right of way
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
SHONELING SNnW-

The time Of the year is approaching
when the average man begins telling how
he used 70 shovel paths through eight feet
Of snow at O'Clock on mornings when
the thermometer registered so far below
zero that the mercury ratified around in
the bulb like a mustard seed.
That is the sort Of man who will go out
the first heavy snow and show his family
how 20 clean the walks. He will have a
nice new dollar snow shovel sent up from
the store, and will begin operations by
slipping and falling down the front steps
During his slide several bushels Of snow
will surreptitiously become inserted be-
tween his shirt and his undershirt How
In the name Of time 1t gets there IS a
mystery as deep as the cause OF the
aurora borealis or the production of IA
dium but the fact remains that il gets
there. The man viii overlook ii for the
moment, however, and begin tossing
great shOvelfuls Of snow to right and
left, and he will be working Ike a steam
plow when the old man who lives up
street, and who has a bad temper and
rheumatism. Will happen along and get
forty pounds OF snow in the face. After
the ensuing argument the average man
will resume operations. BY and by his
back viii begin to ache, his neck to be
stiff and sore. and his arms to feel as
numb as though they had been paralyzed
since he was ten years Of age. But he
wifi stick to 1t, for his wife and children
viii be watching papa from the window,
and tae baby will be pounding the window
pane with its sticky fingers. and goo
gooing gleefully.
At last after years and years of lift
ing and showing. the walks will be clean
ed, and the man Will straighten UP pain
fully and start to the back door, when
his wife will open the front door and
cry:
You left little bit OF snow behind
the hOrseolock, dear"'
WILBUR NESBIT
fCopyright. 1905. by W. d, Nesbit)
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
ADVICE TO MR.. HEARST.
Editor Watterson Gives the Young
Man a Few Friendly Tips.

rum lLe Lgllsflle Aour1er- } Ourn6l.
Mr.. Hearst is much too young a man to
set uD either for a sage or q back-num-
Der. What he most needs to do IS to
survey the field Of his not Improbable
labors and expenditures with the purpose
70 recTeate himself after the image Of the
self-denying Philanthropist and to cast
aside the sinking habiliments Of the SELF
seeking politician. His resources. for
good are great. Far less than other rich
mems sons has he shown any disposition
10 evil. He has merely made the mistake.
or seemed 10 make the mistake. OF think
ing that money can do all things. II can
do many things, but It can neither make
a silk purse out Of sows ear nor
change neglectful Congressman and a
rich parvenu into a Hero and States
man, albeit sometimes very young people
think So
The Courier-JOurnal has never had for
Mr. Hearst any but friendly sentiments
For his methods we could not apnrove
him, and for his ambition we Joined in
staying him But we shall be glad to see
MIN rise again, a new man, purified as by
fire. -
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
schools of DIPLOMACY.

Under the heading, First School for
Diplomats. the New York Sun publishes
the substance OF a circular announcing
the establishment OF courses of study by
Yale and Columbia universities intended
10 prepare students for work in foreign
countries. either in the service of the
United States government, in business en-
terprises, or as missionaries or scientific
investigators" The promoters of this
first school for diplomats" hope that the
courses offered will be availed OF by can
didates for positions in the consular and
diplomatic service Of the government, so
that the country may no longer be dls.
graced By unlettered and unframed men
representing US at foreign posts
II is a meritorious project, and the cur
riculum offered is an attractive and use
ful one, but the new courses Of study
announced by Yale and Columbia jointly
do not constitute the first school for
diplomats In this country" That distinc-
ton belongs 10 the department OF poll
tics and diplomacy OF George Washing
ton University OF this city. a department
which was opened in November, 1895, un-
der a slightly diffrent name. The pur-
pose of this department Is. and has been.
to ''fit men for the public service. par
ucularly for the consular and diplomatic
service" and II offers a two years course
Of study adapted TO that end. From the
first this department attracted wide at
tention and evoked favorable comment,
and a number Of its graduates have found
their way into the government service.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
A Future StyIist.

From the Kansas City Star
This editorial from the weekly paper of
Missouri University shows what higher
education does for lucid writer's: Some
times during the year there arise certain
occasions whose circumstances are De-
culiar in that all of them force the on
locker 10 the same conclusion. That is
a person IS no- enabled to consider the
various phases Of such questions. and
then announce It as his belief that the
matter has two sides. and that as such
is the case he intends keeping the affair
of his mind as much as possible. On
the contrary. this type Of situation can
allow of but one opinion. for the reason
that every motive exists for adopting one
course as right, and decrying the other
as wrong"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
Either Would he welcomed.

The suggestion from London that there
is serious thought in the British Foreign
Office Of commissioning Admiral Lord
Beresford or Lord Curzon, of Kede-
ston, to succeed Sir Mortimer Durand
as Ambassador 10 Washington, is receiv-
ed with unusual appreciation in unofficial
circles in Washington. Both OF these
noted Britishers are well known in Wash
ington. Admiral Beresford has been
here perhaps even more than Lord Cur
zon, who married Mary Letter, and made
that gracious Washington girl the vice
reine of India. Lord Curzon, as a young
man, had considerable service in the Brit
ish Embassy at Washington, and became
very popular with all classes Of Wash
ingtonians He and the President are
warm friends, and used to take long
walks, when the President was a member
of the Civil Service Commission. The
present German Ambassador. Baron
Speck Won Sternburg, was an attache Of
the German Embassy at the same time.
and the close friendship that has ex-
listed ever since between him and the
President was established then. As As
sistant Secretary Of the Navy, President
ENoOScNtlN DNCdilt Wtit acquainted with
Admiral BeTesfOrd, who is an Irishman
with all the native wit and brightness of
that race. and who has on more than
one occasion. stood his ground right
bravely at the Gridiron dinners. Thus
should either Beresford or Curzon come
over as Ambassador, the representative
Of Great Britain would be among old
friends, Official, unofficial, and Diplomatic
Just why Sir Mortimer Durand is leav-
ing Washington, BY the way, is giving
rise to considerable quiet gossip and
speculation. When he came from Madrid
less than two years ago. he expressed
himself to intimate friends as hoping that
he would be able to remain In Washing
ton TO the close Of his career. which he
then regarded as just fairly opening His
relations with the State Department, and
with the diplomatic corps. have been cor
dial, and his popularity has been growing
with the public
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
Hysteria Not Modern.

From The Boston Herald
Hysteria has always existed. and is as
rife among peoples where a life Of dreary
monotony prevails as in communities
where there IS an excess Of stimulating
variety. In the first two centuries of
New Englands history there was far
more OF il. and Of a far more frantic
character. than viii be found to-day.
Though the population of Salem, Mass.
has quadrupled. there are not to-day
hysterical patients enough in it to get
up another Salem witchcraft that would
hold a candle to the first
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
Parliament of Men.

Prom the WOman's Home Companion.
ITO be or not to be, that is the ques-
tion." cried Hamlet, in a loud voice. but
it was destined that he should proceed
no further
Mr.. Chairman, I rise to a point of
order" interrupted the Ghost. who had
been sitting in one of the rear seats;
the motion to adjourn Is not debatable :"
Confronted thus by Roberts Rules of
Order. the noble Dane paled, muttered
incoherently, and sat down. Afterward
he had his speech inserted in the Con-
gressional Record
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
A LITTLE NONSENSE.
DILL DAYS.

On. what is so mean
AS a day in November
Outside IS a scene
That we all well remember.
A prospect Of gloom
Running over with sorrow,
With no sort Of room
For a change on the morrow
The roof sadly drips
And the overcharged gutter
From green-tinted lips
Doth increasingly sputter.
No need 10 essay
Aught Of trouble to borrow,
For the skies are all gray
With 10 hope for the morrow.
The trees are near bare;
Just a leaf or two falling.
'Tis a scene Of despair;
'Tis an outlook appalling.
We are tired of the slime.
And the wateT-sOaked heather.
Jog along. Father Time.
Let US have some new weather.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
THURSDAY. NOVEMBER %, 1906
ON Absentee President.

Theodore Roosevelt is still President
Of the United States" Secretary Root as
serrs. The President is where the Presi-
dent is"
William H. Taft, who wears with grace
and dignity the titular appellatlon of
Secretary of War. must be of like Opin-
ion. On Saturday last Mr. Taft had the
temerity 10 suspend the execution Of the
Presidential command for the immediate
discharge. without honor, of Companies
B. c, and . of the Twenty-hfth Infantry.
He cabled his action to the President.
and sought the Presidential view thereon.
On Tuesday an emphatic cablegram, sign
ed Theodore Roosevelt" and declining
10 consider the suspension of the order
for one moment, was received in New
York. This unofficial message was the
first intimation Mr., Taft had OF the mind
Of his chief. So on Wednesday Mr.. Taft
revoked his suspension Of the discharge
Of the troops, and directed that the pro-
ceedings for discharge be continued with
out delay. Subsequently, the President
was heard from directly to this effect:
Nothing to warrant the suspension Of
the order"
Nothing. it IS true. but the judgment Of
Secretary Taft. the titular head Of the
War Department.
Our President, right or wrong: but
right or wrong, absent or present. our
President still!
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22

homes. This may be a purely local and
even q selfish consideration. but II has
beer a strong influence making for re-
form Ia the civil service. There is no
danger that the people Of Washington,
official, Industrial, or commercial. will
ever consent TO a reveTsion TO the spoIls
system, now. happily. almost extinct so
far as local Federal employees are con-
cerned
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
The Speaker as a Sportsman.

News comes from Indiana. where
Speaker Cannon was the guest OF Senator
Hemmenway on a quail hunting exredi-
ton, that while Uncle Joe is an cner-
getic and enthusiastic sportsman. he is
at the same tine about the poorest shot
in the United Staes. He walks everybody
down. and keeps up with the dogs. but
when the birds are flushed they ara com-
paratively safe from his gun. Senator
HemmeUWGy Is a crack shot, and return
ed to the farm house at night with his
bag full Of fat, round partridges, but thor
oughly exhausted from the fast pace set
BY his distinguished guest Uncle Joe
had few trophies 10 show for the day S
sport, his highest record being five hir7s
out OF ffty-three shots in one day. bot
he was not as tired as the younger states
man, and ate the quail for breakfast with
d growing appetite. The Speaker IS ex-
peCted 20 return 20 Washington Saturday
or Sunday. and, Of course. he Will have
big stories 10 tell Of his prowess with the
shotgun. What has been here related
however. Is known TO be the real truth.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
The PresidentinI Bo...

From the s. Louis kepublic
No people in the world have q higher
respect for their chief magistrate than
the people of the United States have for
the President. but they accept his guid-
ance only within the sphere Of his legiti-
mate powers. They are as impatient Of
dictatiOn from a Presidential boss as
they are of the rule of any minor boss
who may happen TO control the political
machine in any State, city or ward.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
Traitor to Her Sex.
ON the Philadelphia Press

From the Phaadelphis Press.
"Oh, she's not at all NICE" said little
Elsie. shes always wishin' she was a
boy"
We'll" replied Mabel, I wish 1 was,
too"
It know, but she wishes It out loud. so
the boys can hear her"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
Political Fowls.

From the Philadelphia Press
People in Washington are complaining
about the number Of chickens that are
kept In that city, to the annoyance Of
certain neighborhoods, Oddly enough
there is no kick registered against the
political 'roosters" that throng that burg
at times
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
Oh. BnSfnnt

From Harper's Weekly.
well-known Washington architect who
has just returned from Boston is chortline
over a good joke on that correct and liter
ary city. He says that in the reading
room Of one Of the most exclusive clubs
in the Huh there is a sigT that reads:
Only low conversation permitted here.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-22
The Wherefore.

You looked pretty sheepish when
saw you yesterday" declared the fox ter
rier. Ashamed because you were IN
leash?"
1T wasn't that" answered the Boston
bull. Didn't you notice what was at
the other end Of the string?"