davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

In the early days OF Deadwood, and
half an hour after my arrival there by
stage, one day, heard a man telling
that there had been q fatal row in
saloon further up the street, and after
a bit I took a walk in that direction
to learn the particulars I reached the
saloon named but found all quiet, and
was turning away when a man lOunged
out When he took notice of me he
asked:
'L0oIin' fur anything. stranger %
Il understood there had been a fatal
row here, replied.
"Dfd, eh2 Wall, I've been right
around yere all day and haint seen
anything Of the sort. what sort Of a
gaIoot was it that told you such a
yaFn?"
I described the man as near as I
could. and the other waved his hand
and said:
chat VIII do, stranger I know the
kuss, and I'm telIin' you that he's the
aWfuIlest liar fur a hundred miles
around He orter be driven out O.
town fur his lies"
'sBut, did nothing at all happen
here?' I asked.
why. yes, sunthin' happened about
an hour ago Bill Plummer pulled his
gun on Abe Wisner and wounded two
men by mistake. Then Abe pulled his
and Bill got the range on each other
and kept shOotin' till both went I'M
der"
so there we're two dead ana four
ssThemss the fieeers.n
And don't you call that a fatal
''sartinIy not That's what we call a
gentle zephyr around yere- When it
comes to fatal raw it takes half a
day. to pick up the dead. and another
half to hang those who hadn't the luck
l to be killed t''-1z- Quad.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

He Is Given. Charge OF a Cat and a
Basket.

t.Humpy," said his mother. when
the boy had eaten his breakfast, Il
want yOl1.to take cur old gray cat up to
your aunt Elfzass Their cat died last
week ana they are owerrun with mice.
I'm roIna TO fBnLI them orGrS until they
can get another cat
tEnt zasVinl I going. to drive a cat
two miles through the street ~ pro-
tested EEma1Egy.
'Jcu'1 BEGIN to hunt around fer e11-
eusss. You are going to take the cat
a. a. BASKET, OF course
But it's two miles
sfHou WIN take the street car Get
that covered Itaslzet from the store
room and put tue cat IN It and be off.
Here's your strete car money"
Huunpy- started out in a sulleH, sui
Ky way, but he, vas hardly outside tn G
gate when msething happened to
change his views.{ That Raymond hoy
cams along. and asked what he had in
the basket, and " hen told, he replied:
"EIumpy. Szinne.t, YOU'RE in luck Ia
rather carry. a cat in 81 basket than to
see q goat hRht. George Washington
got his first start that way. III bet
more than twenty Ileople viii ask you
what you've got in the basket, and
if I were you I'd look proud and act
mysterious. Burglars always carry
their stolen sflverwa &c around in bas-
IL.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

Excuse me- said the drummer,
who was driving across the country
in a horse and buggy and pulled up as
he saw farmer at his gate, fbut I'm
looking for a man named Christopher
Columbus"
Il don't think he lives around here. .
was the reply after moments
thought.
sure about that?,'
Ct don't remember to have heard of
him. but III go in and ask the women
folks. They are great hands for know
in everybody for ten miles around. -
My wife says he lives over on the
crossroads. and has a red roof on his
barn, and my daughter Mary says that
if you bring up in the fool asylum at
Winchester you'll be sure to find him
there. and he'll be mighty glad to see
vot14's-aE Quad
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14
The Good Old Days.

TITS sad, isn't IT % said the big man
to the little man in the street car.
Yes, there are many sad things in
this world, but to what do you particu-
larly refer?"
ITO the good old days"
ITO what particular things in the
good old days2"
ride IN this car and spit all over the
floor and there was no one to say a
word Now there are signs up ar
around, and should I spit one spit I
would be dragged off and taken to a
station house. IT'S sad, sir@'tis sad
and never expect to be quite happy
again. m. Quad.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14
It Didn.f Work.

George said the Colonel to a col
ored man whom he met on the street,
q wish you would spread the news
around among your people that I am
going to set a spring gun in my hen
house, and that if any of them are
shot It won't be my fault"
q IS, sab. III do so, sab, but I don
reckon it'll do any good
But why won't it,"
"Bekase. sab, as I understands de
situashun. dey dun cleaned your hen
house out. last night and won't have
any occasion to so back DARN.
Quad.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

Two min1 tes 1atapo he met Jfnlnly
V7h1te. and when Jimmy was told what
was in the basket he said
sposen the cat begins to yeovl On
the street car ~
sl5hats what TN afraid OF, p replied
11ampy- 4.If she begins to yeow1 and
folks FooE at nae + ll Want to Jump
through the wlndoVv
'fWen Nou want to daze her before
you get on the car Just wllirl the bas-
Eee around your head about twenty
times Fiat WIFI make her so seasfck
that shet3 be glad to Gsep still"
The remedy was applied at once.
Both boys had a swing at the basket,
and when tired. out TIE White boy OBJ
aYou might ride on the car an day
now and YOU d never hear q peep from
the cat It's lucky Thing for you
thar you met a b59 who Knew all about
wniie TTumDy stood on the corner
waiting for a car q policeman came
alone and stopped to ask.
what you got in that basket,
Nest. sir innoeensIg replied Hum
aseems to me hear something
scratching in there
HICa only a. mutton bone rubbing
against the basket"
"Umu! Ie may be a mutton bone and
it may Hot. think IN Investigate a.
little.
The officer put his hand INTO the bas-
ket as Hunapy held it out to him. but
the next second Withdrew it with a.
howl Of pain. The cat had nipped him
on the finger.
@You young vilIainl" he shouted, as
he danced around and held up his
bleeding finger, but Humpy and his
basket escaped by lodging behind a
wagon, and at the next corner they
took a car. The conductor looked at
the basket suspiciousIy and said;
147 l-a szssa.
geE0us ia that basket?''
mo sir. It's only a. feline"
The conductor puzzled over the
name foE a moment but couldn't just
place st and therefore said no more.
he knew that a canine was g. dog. but
q feline might be q clock or a parrot
and he was not going to give himself
Humpy sat down beside a fat vgo-
man. with the basket at his feet ana
not two minutes had gone by when
she said:
ssBoy. r nearly lost my life last year
by something exploding in q basket on
a street car where was riding and I
don't propose to run any more risks.
WHAT'S - there2''
I'm earryfns a fur up to my aunt
s'oh, that's it7 should have
thcuaht your mother would have made
g. parcel o. IT, but that's just the way
with some people. I'm not afraid Of
for you that it isn't dynamite"
All would have gone wen with
Humpy but FOR the crOss-eyed man on
the seat opposite. He had been in
fentlv Watching the basket and now
he Ieaned forward ana eueried:
Madam Goes s. trefnuf pass over q
basket now ana then unless there IS
some living object within
s'Whys no. OF course not" she re-
piled.
~ have been watching that basket
and 81 has occasional trem6rs.''
s.But it's a fur inside protested
TIumpy, and mebos it's the moths
that make the tremqr
'eVou may be right sonny" said
the eroes~eyed man, "but il VIII do No
harm 60 have look.
ep what right are you going to eE-
anime that basket" demanded a thin
faced man who had been listening and
who was Keeling cut OF sorts ana READY
to knock the chip Off Of anybody
shoulder
aIrf' hauehtlIy replied the FAT man
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

thee with the iron and beat thee with
bars. He will be thy master instead
Of thy friend. For some other man
thou might in time have a liking, but
not. for Janviers- 1t is four days since
he took charge Of thee Hath he
beaten. thee YETI Methinlzs there is a
fresh wound on this carp
The elephant hung his head and
rocked to and fro for moment as If
ashamed and Inundated. Then he
braced stiffIy on his legs and threw up
his trunk to trumpet when the trainer
cautioned him:
fsHush, dearly beloved. One blast
and thew would come running and find
old Houssan here I see that Janviers
hath already beaten thee, and would
that my knife had found his flesh He
VIII beat thee again and again. He
viii humiliate thee day after day. Hat
ing me, he will also hate thee. Chan
da. it is sorrowfuI. 1t is not manly to
weep unless some one lies dead in the
house. but I am no better than a. wo-
man with this trouble in my heart"
The man leaned against the shoulder
of the elephant and sObbed, and the
beast Whfmpered and gurgled and
showed every sign OF sympathy Sobs
and Whimpers were new sounds to the
lions and tigers and some Of them
cooked their ears and sharpened their
post want thy old friend and
brother back, Chanda? Aye, thou
doSt. and there is a way. There is a
Wav and but one way. The Watehmen
are asleep and the beasts are quiet,
but what I say I shall whisper in thy
ear. Listen to the words Of Houssan,
beloved"
with hands smoothing ana caress-
ing the great Tapping ear, the trainer
whispered away for three or four min
utes. while Chanda stood so quiet that
he seemed turned to stone Then the
Wlaisperer drew back and raised his
voice a little and asked:
seWilt thou DO It, old friend-wiIt
! thou do it for thee and me?''
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14
should Be he nrst to announces It.

It takes eight banks to hold our
money, and we have ten dnanciers
constantly engaged in looking up il1%
vestments for US We were about 70
loan Japan $4,000, 600 at two per cene
interest when the war closed. Any enc
terprise wishing to borrow $4,000, 00e
for a year at a low rate of interest VIII
do well to consult us. No agents ana
no tFifiers.
We receive and publish advertise
ments, from every country on the race
Of the globe. We have more home ads
vertising in one. single issue than ali
the papers in the United States cou1-
bined. Last year over ten million
hired girls found good paying Jobs by
advertising in the Kicker. No matter
where you are-in Paris or Palestine,
or whether you run a bank or butcher
shop-advertising viii pay you. Rates
given on application. Religious no~
tees charged extra.
There is only one Arizona Kicker
That was founded, nursed and brought
up by Jim Hellso, the present editor
and proprietor. Take no-other. Don't
let anybody make you believe that the
Christian at Work is just as good We
are the only thing in America except
the Nohave Desert that neither Rookie
Teller nor the. Beef Trust have get
their hands on, and we believe we can
hold them off for FIVE years longer
Copyright, 1906, by Mcclure, Phillips
& Coz
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14
ARIZONA KICKnETs.
Some More Lies About Circulation.

Some More Lies About Circulation.
One point of difference between the
Kicker and most other publications,
particularly the eastern dailies, is that
they lie about their circulation all the
time, while we lie only at intervals and
when other news is scarce. They lie to
deceive and to profit thereby, while we
lie for the fun Of the thing, and don't
expect to make a cent. Incidents and
accidents being scarce this week, and
it being about time for a fresh whop-
per, We proceed as follows:
Our circulation books are open to
all. This means that no outsider can
tell by our books whether we have
ten hundred or ten hundred thousand
circulation. It is not meant that he
should.
The other day we sent an order to
New York for twenty-five more fast
presses, to be made and shipped to Us
one hundred and eight presses in our
press room. 1t is a CHEEKY sound to
hear them all going at once. If our
circulation keeps on increasing we
shall soon have to order twenty-five
more
The7white paper used for every issue
of the Kicker keeps five of the largest
paper mills in the country busy from
morning till night If the ends of the
sheets were pasted together the weekly
output would reach nineteen times
around the globe and have enough left
over to print the editions of all the
daily and weekly papers west Of the
Mississippi river.
It takes a train of fourteen freight
cars to bring US our supply of printers
ink every week. That is, it has in the
past, but next week the number viii be
increased to twenty We own the cars
and the locomotive that hauls- them.
When we first began issuing the Kicker
one key of ink lasted US eleven months.
It takes seventy eight girls to enter
the subscriptions coming in, and the
mails are so heavy that they are sent
for with a moving van. 1t is called a
duh day when there are not thirty
thousand letters to open and twenty
five thousand postal orders to cash.
We employ eleven bookkeepers and
twenty-five assistants. We employ six
cashiers and nine men at the advertis-
ing counter. We also employ a Span
lard, q Frenehman, g. German. a Rus
sian, a. Jap, a Persian, an Egyptian. a
Turk and an Arab to interpret letters
| received from those countries. We
have just sent to India for Hindoo,
and to Algiers for a eorsair-
We employ a staff of seventeen sedi-
/ tors and twenty-seven reporters to ali
/ of whom We are d father Meme of
/ them work over three hours per day!
and the lowest salary paid is $50 a
/ week. When engaging new man on
/ the staff the only thing we insist on is
/ discovered America. We furnish c1-
gars for the crowd, and the quantity
| consumed just load a freight car every
week.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

Ye editor was a witness in court the
other day, in the hog case between Mr..
Williams and Mr.. SpOOneF, and the
lawyers on both sides were agreed that
he made the best witness they ever
handled We we're as cool as ice, and
our enuneiatfon was declared perfect.
M. Quad.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

tween the Wolves and the Lambs,
urged the little woody.
Moral: LAS to treaties of peace, >"
observed the Wolf, as he picked the
wool out of his teeth. the way to live
up to them is to eat. the other Teller
and put him where he can't break
them"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

One day last week, in trying to drink
out of a. four-gsIlons jug nan-fashion,
Mrs Oliver Sharks, wife of the enter
prising farmer by that name, let the
jug fall and broke several bones in her.
foot She is the lady who sends US a
jug of buttermilx every week, and she
has our deepest syn1pathies
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

Mrs. Henry French saw an old hat
on the sidewalk the other day and
hauled off and gave it a kick. There
was a stone under the hat and three
Of her toes were broken. From the
distance the stone few it is estimated
that her kick was equal to that of a
horse.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14
His one Exnerience.

Eyes. 1 saw one cyclone said the
Mississippian, land don't want to pass
through another"
Everything wrecked?'' was asked.
mo, it didn't happen to touch my
house. Me and the old woman had been
to a town four miles away. and were
on our way home when she suddenly
Tom. you threatened to cuff my
ears last night
g Yep
g Was you bluffin' p
g Not on yer lifei'
&c Reckon you are man huff to do
"4 do
" Come on then,'
I'VE laid down our bundles and
squar'd off, and then that pesky cy-
clone come along and whirled us
around and played ball with us, and
when I got the sticks and limbs out of
my eyes the old woman was gone.
She'd been took up in the air by the
wind and carried away, and I never did
hear of her since.
And you can't get over your
grief2''
wall I'm grievin' some, Of course,
but what I can't git over is which Of
JUS would have licked If that cyclone
had let US alone. Thar's allus goin' to
be a doubt in my mind M. Quod.
SIS There Had Been Change. -
'eThey had opened bank at Abb
.lenes2 said the man with his arm in a
sling. land as was in want of fifty
dollars, L goes in and walks up to the
cash winder and says to the teller be-
hind the cage;
g I want half a hundred
'Whar's yer check? says he.
g Right yere, says I, as 1 shOves my
gun into the Winder.
She's perfectly good says he, as
he counts out the money.
81 takes little trip into the Indian
Territory and back, and then feels ths
need of fifty more. I goes down to the
bank one morning and walks up to the
same winder and says:
g 7 want half a hundred
'Whars yer check? asks the fell
Ter
Right yere'' says I, as I shoves my
gun into the winder.
g No good says he, and he pulls
trigger and sends hot lead through my
shoulder.
But wasn't there some mistake
somewhere p was asked.
Il guess there was, and 1 guess I
made it. They had changed tellers
while I was gone, and I was jest that
fule that never noticed it. I thought
it was the same rag doll Of a chap that
took my first bluff. M. Quad.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14
The Wolf and the Lamb.

The WOn having invited the Lamb
to take a stroll with him, the pair pro-
ceeded gaily across the meadow to the
woods, where 3 the Wolf. suddenly
turned and said;
Il have found a great scarcity of
hares in the forest, and I have decided
that YOU drive them away with your
bIeating."
But the Hares even come and min
gle with the flock replied the Lamb.
And I find that the Fox is more
wary than he used to be" continued
the Wolf.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14
We are Always at Home to All Callers.

to get chesty over our circulation. we
can be approached any time of day
by any one who so desires. and that
without sending up card or any other
red tape business. We are always at
home to all callers. particularly to the
man who wants to have a pop at US
for any reason or other. You don't
even have to wipe your feet on the
mat before entering.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

We give it on the authority Of the
the lady herself that if there is any
more gossip about the widow Gill she
viii sell her home and leave the vii
Iage. The last story. which contains
not an atom of truth, is to the effect
Der is only 8.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

Our corps of artists number one
hundred even. We did think of taking
on one more but gave it up. All we
ask of the hundred is to furnish US
one cartoon and two funny pictures
per week. The rest of the time they
can go bear hunting or sit on the small
of their backs and puff corncob pipes.
We are an easy mark for artists Any
man who can use a piece of chalk and
jacknife can hit US for $50 per
Beware of any paper that claims to
have over one hundred artists.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

to run for mayor, but we cannot see
CUR way clear. We have always felt
that an editor should -hye on almost
nothing. wear any old clothes tossed
at him and remains strictly in the back
ground If we ever change our mind
the public shall hear of it.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

While there is no doubt that we are
a devil of a fellow, and justly entitled
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14
HOMETOWN HAPPENINGS.

Hometown, as we are assured on
good authority, has built over forty
rods of new sidewalk this spring, and
yet the good. work goes bravely= on
New York and Chicago viii have to
look out for their Iaurels.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

We have ninety-six stations equip
ped with wireless teIegrapl1y. and let
but a statesman put the wrong end of
a cigar in his mouth or a retired adj
miraT develop a boil and the message
comes humming on the wings of the
wind. We were the first newspaper
in the world to send special correspon-
dents with steamers Of all lines, 50 that
If the captain fell off the bridge or
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14
our special correspondents

Our special Correspondents are
scattered all over the world. You will
run across a Kicker man in every town
from Maine to California, and from
London to Stanley Falls, and around
to the Himalaya Mountains of India.
They are told to spare no expense. No
politician can turn his cOat-no wife
elope-no husband stay out after mid
night but what the fact is telegraphed
to US in one minute. There are days
when we receive a thousand cable
grams from Suez, Malta, CeyIon, Bonn
bay, Australia, New. Zealand, Madeira,
Afghanistan, St. Petersburg, Siberia
and Greenland.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

It takes seventy eight girls to enter
the subscriptions coming in and the
mails are so heavy that they are sent
for with a moving van. 1t is called a
dull day when there are not thirty
thousand letters to open and twenty
FIVE thousand postal orders to cash.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-14

It takes a train of fourteen freight
cars to bring US our supply of printers
ink every week. That is, it has in the
past, but next week the number viii be.
increased to twenty. We own the cars
and the locomotive that hauls- them.
When we first began issuing the Kicker
one key of ink lasted US eleven months.
Mexico Missouri message., 1906-12-27
TORTURED WITH ECZEMA.
Tremendous itching over Whole Body
Scratched Until Bled-Wonder-
ful Cure by cutleura.

Last year / suffered with a tremen-
dous itching on my back, which grew
worse and worse, until It spread over
the whole body, and only my face and
hands were free. For four months or
so / suffered torments, and I had to
scratch, scratch, scratch, until I bled.
At night when ! went to bed things
got worse, and had at times to get
up and scratch my body an over, until
] was as sore as could be, and until /
suffered excruciating pains. They told
me that ] was suffering from eczema.
Then made up my mind that would
use the Cuticura Remedies. / used
them according to instructions, and
very soon indeed I was greatly re.
lieyed, continued until well. and
now am ready to- recommend the Gu
ticura Remedies TO any one. Mrs.
Mary Metzger. SweetWater, Okla,
June rs. 1906"