New-York tribune., 1906-10-07

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The shreks of patriot grocers and drug manu-
facturers resounded through the hall.
IF that big type is used the temperance dea-
cons of Maine won't dare 10 drink my pair
kiIler!" cried one.
my soothing syrup will be turned down by
mothers. and the bowling of infants from
! Montauk Point TO the Golden Gate will be a
| public calamity" said another.
This will wreck a great industry" Quoth q
third. "Our remedy, Golden Nostrum, is
worth dollar bottle, but as Rough on Rats
/ it's value is 10 cents"
Calm yourselves. gentlemen" responded the
commission. I'VE know you eager to do the
/ square thing by the public. Perhaps we can
/ arrange some compromise"
The suggestion of an astute lawyer that the
label be printed in large type, but with invisible
ink, which would appear after the expenditure
of considerable time and labor on the consumers
part, received with acclamaton by the as
sembled patriots. The commission promised to
consider this
A bitter invective against the COW as a do
mestic animal that produces wrongly colored
butter was delivered by a legal Cicero.
Il indict and I impeach the cow" said the
orator for not giving the public what the
public wants. I accuse the for her CONNER
cial ignorance of latitude and longitude. which
fails to supply Washington with the customary
pale butter. New York with a medium butter
and Boston with deep orange butter She
does not even maintain the same color through
winter and summer 1t Is manufacturers
who are compelled to put dyes in the cows prod
net and thus amend the negligence Of nature
Don't you think the public would take the
natural color if you gentlemen stopped fooling
Never" exclaimed Cicero. ut is notorious
that the public is ass
"It would seem so, judging from your argu-
ment However you are at liberty to use organic
dyes. but nothing mineral"
The welkn rung once more with the protest
ing howls Of patriots.
A chemist who used 10 be state guardian of
the public's food until the jam trust hired him
to guard its poCketbOOk rapidly argued that
the anline dyes are not mineral, being extracted
from coal tar, which comes from & tree or vege-
tahI nj TX
Shall childhood bt deprived Of purple hockey
pokey by this harsh rulng?" cried an ice cream
There are 23.4s3 anine hues on the market"
said the jam chemist, and shades coming
out every year In the name Of art we demand
the privilege of using 22.9SS varieties and a so
per cent annual selection from the styles"
we second the motion" cried representatives
OF the pickle and candy trades. Our customers
demand that their bon bons match their frocks"
After all, It is a pure question of art" said
an attorney for cocktail house Our cocktail
cherries hand painted
The best talent is employed on our green
peas"
I'VE use selected hayseed for our strawberry
jam"
"It is a pure question of art" repeated the
cocktail lawyer, "and I suggest that It be left
70 committee of eminent coloTtsts, headed by
John La Farge"-
Gentlemen. before you go any further" said
the chairman of the commission, smiling pleas
antly, let me put TO you a hypothetical ques-
ton: If You American manufacturers went TO
Persia, where the of aniline dyes in coloring
mere rugs-carpets to be walked on-is forbid
den under penalty Of the bastnadO with picked
rods what would your punishment be for put
ting these dyes In human food?'
A chilly silence fell over the assembly.
Thank God, this is free republic" at length
softly whispered patriotic lawyer
Don't let the sOles OF your feet itch gentle
men," continued the commissioner, lightly. IF
the heels"
Mutual good feeling restored when a
manufacturer of blended whiskey uncorked a
demijohn and invited all hands to have drink
The stuff tasted good that trust lawyer ac-
cused the blend maker of passing off his clients
product.
Upon my honor this is a genuine fake" said
the manufacturer. 1T IS a combination Of
burned sugar neutral spirits, cayenne pepper,
6lcohol' condensed smoke and distilled water
~ Is bottled sunshine in the homes Of millions
of hodcarrfers"
He ought TO be bastinadoed for his nerve"
said the trust lawyer.
Give him the picked rods" tocularIy ex-
canned the catsup man, who had had two
Seeing the tide of sentiment going against
MIN ana Iegretting too late his frank admissions
s sne p!eha maker launched into pathetic appeal
lot MS FELLOW Independents who aduIterate-
who produce fake more healthful than the
genuine arttcle-and in consequence are cruelty
oppressed by the tyrannous and savage WbisLaI,
trust Inc hearers shed fractional parts of a
tear.
a fruitful discussion arose over the Iahe,I,pq,
OF articles with the place Of their Eativity MANY
eloquent lawyers demonstrated that the Eng
lish language was to blame instead of the manu-
A"SlOiSt5 4OL the foreign DtleS home prod
uctS. The good faith Of manufacturers was
Shown by sending cottonseed OIL to Italv so that
couId be honestly imported as Palermo olive
OIL and dispatchng New York state wine TO
france SO that IL might return as champagne
II would be revolutionary 70 put Hackens3ck
N j., on a bottle OF elixir de vie made bv the
monks or an Alpine retreat TO declare Harlem
as the source of Carlsbad water ana OIean n
y as the birthplace of Roquefort cheese vi
emma hread bologna sausage and Saratoga chips
are understood but endeared misnomers No
one expects them to come from the right place
any any more than Mocha coffee, Holland gin and
Since these things are largely understood
halo the commission, 1T win work no hardship
ahd douDtess relieve the consciences of You gem
temen If we require true labels"
conscience, BAH" muttered a Datr,o+
don't think the people can stand the naked
ruin ruin All at once said coffee LAWYER I'VE
may pe compelled to ask the Brazilian govern
benefit" anu 'a'" lot our
a melancholy dark man with a linn ana q
1Ios seu Heed appeared at this tuncture and
,e -neI ~ nave word in private with the com
MISSION lie went away mysteriousI,, as no
came. II was reported that he wac ~ 80
OF the Beer Trust, and that in resDorsa .eLit
question question whether picture OF a large hun cair
commission said that any kind az cole ,, IN IRE 5
A maj setto occurred TO the time ne nmt.t 10,
uhe provisions Of the Pure Food law In ondratinn
AT once" said the commission " 'PeIaIioh'
Forty-eight patriot grocers uttaroa ,,.
heols shriek ana three tainted dead ewa,-
How about our phony drugs? wbot
our old stock Of impure food? We - t ABOUT
sell II; we must get ria OF It. The nnbItn MS. MS
eat IL up before can do anythingP P%"Hc must
How much impure food have vou9,
II the public will cooperate in orr No.,
give ii pure food by fastening cons,rnr., Eeal 20
old stock of catsup, whiskey lam poEI, oh, the
brea kfast food, olive oil. painkiller ,oos'
maple syrup, soothing syrup, elixir do - tohl,
HrV Il 1114s ~ JGilu-