davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29
|$$% George AIDE i'm Pastures New. s


from the police. and they wanted To
know If | would give them a liberal
tip when we got outside l didn't
know what they'd do If said No, so
I said Yes Then they said they
were going to show me the Queens
chamber. They grabbed me again.
and this time we began to work our
way through passage that seemed
TO be just about as big as the inside
of stove pipe, fully as hot and a good
deal darker | don't know how far
they hauled me, but when they
Strengthened me out and propped me
up was in the famous Queens cham
ber.s They said if I wanted to look
at 1t they would burn piece of mag
nesium and 1t would cost only one
shilling. They touched off the red
light and I found myself in a beautiful
apartment, which resembeld the in
terror of a freight car. There was
nothing more to be seen, so / folded
myself up and they pushed me
through one subterranean passage
after another, only in getting out
tobogganed most of the way instead
of climbing When 1t came to the last
scramble and I saw that little round
hole of daylight ahead of me | was
so thankful-so used up-I handed
over to those burglars all the money
they asked and then bought two imi-
tation scarabs."
Mr. Peasleys account is not much
of an exaggeration. We came out all
mussed up, winded, wringing with
perspiration and with a new and pro-
found admiration for Cheops 1t seems
that he constructed the interior pass
ages leading to the royal tomb cham
bers SO that the vandals of coming
generations could not possibly find
their way in and steal the royal re-
mains. Some of these passages are
less than three feet in diameter and
simply bored through the slippery
rock at sharp grades, first up and then
down. Of course, when Cheops
planned these passages he did not
count on the enterprise and persever-
ance of the modern tourist. To get
to these tomb chambers, which are
buried in the very sub-center of the
huge mass of rock calls for desperate
and wearisome exertion, and after
one arrives there is nothing to see ex-
cept blank stone walls. But, as Mr..
Peasley expressed it, I'VE don't want
to go back home and not be able To
say that We saw the whole works.
Overheated and groggy, we tottered
down hill to the motel, which stands
near the end of the car line. 1t is a
high class establishment, patronized
by a sedate class of English travellers,
and here we had no difficulty what
ever in cooling off. 1t was one of those
hotels at which no one speaks to any
one else. and gooseberry tarts are
served for luncheon. Here on the
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29
The Conversion of Bully Dickey


the time he hit the ground. | yanked his
pistol outen his hand, 1erI1ed him to his
feet and steppin back l leye1led the old
ten-gage full in his face and sez: Now
march UP to that mourners bench and
git down on yere knees, and git con-
verified. or I'll blow a hole through yere
dam rotten carkiss big ernuff to throw a
dog through He seen / meant It, and he
dragged erlong up to the anxious seat
and sorter fell down thar, bleedn and
lookin' mean. The preacher started that
old him, Come UTmble Sinner in Whose
Breast and in a few mfnits a few of the
leadin members gathered around prayin'
ontil one clock in the mornin, wrastlin'
in pra r, and usin devotional exercises on
him, and when Bully 'ud sorter lag in his
efforts I'd punch him with the muzzle of
the shot gun. and su' gest 10 MIN to peart-
en- up as While the lamp holds out to
burn the vilest sinner may return
Long about midnight. with the pain
and the excitement. and the singin and
the Greener Bully broke Gown and cried
like a kid as has lost its mar and the
bruthrin, whooped her up lively. then.
shoutin Amen and 'Halleluyer' and
sich. Next day the old preacher thanked
me for bein' member of the ch'uch mill
litsnt. but reproved me for cussin', when
| called up mourners. Before the meetin'
was over Bully come through, and never
give EN- any more trouble though he
never would admit that was the umbull
| instrument of his conversion"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29

old Shuekers for the loan of his ten gage
Greener double barrel shot gun, with a
dozen ca tridges loaded with buck shot
Then | santered over to the loafin place
of them miscreants and mildly expostu-
lated with them darkened drunkards, but
Bulley Dickey don't listen to no remon-
STRANGE, but gifts hot and wrought up He
lowed 1t was free country. and If the
camp meetin' folks didn't like his style
of amoosin hissef they could pack up and
move Bully SEE T. you and your out
fit is gittin' too redundant-you are con-
sidered by the law-abidn' element of this
meetin' as plumb inordinate and IL you
don't sag down a few notches we will
have you to bury. I'm jess handin ii to
you polite and delicate that if you per-
wade around these gospel exercises with n
few more OF your lawless breaks, We'll
tote you out feet foremost in pine box.
That very night while they was calm up
mourners under the brush arbor. Bully
and two of his bum podriers appeared at
the entrance mounted On their nags
more'en half drunk. Bully with a whoop
announced that he was intendin' TO ride
in among the mourners spurrin his boss
and wavin his pistol ontel few VIM
ming sorter screeched, and chillun cried.
II snatched up the Greener from whur
had 1t layln' handy. and damned aloose
over the mead OF a TAT luuy at tHe WnoiS
gang, resultin in wingin two of them
feons, who turned tail and burnt the
wind eittin erway from thar. Before
YOU could say scat l had onbreeched the
ten-gage, showed in two more ca tridges
and unlocked both loads at Bully as he
tux snap sho shot at me with his Colt
A. Them old Greeners IS mighty salts
fyin' weepuns. They may not fetch ad-
zactly what you send 'em after. but they
are shore to latch on to somethin. They
certihgly il comfortable tools for them as
is in a hurry, or sorter nervous, and !
didn't more'en have time to git Dickey
where he looked the biggest. He stopped
ten buckshot In his right shoulder. and
got his we're erapped on the onder side.
That outcast tumbled of his boss like a
sack of corn. and l was on top OF him ~
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29
BY GEORGE AIDE.

Copyrighted, 1906. by
George Ade.

desert and warmed up again. Also,
We looked at the golf links, staked out
across the barren sands-not to be
played on, but merely to be featured
in the hotel advertisement. Think of
golf course which is one huge
hazard Drive the ball in any direc-
ton and you cant play out of the
sandi Forty centuries gazing down
on a bow legged tourist in fuzzy
Scotch stockngsi
Most of the pleasure seekers that
we encountered in the neighborhood
of the Pyramids seemed TO be quite
elderly-some of the more sprightly
as young as sixty. and from that going
up to where it would be better TO
stop guessing. Mr.. Peasley gave an
explanation of their presence He
said that the dry climate of Egypt
would preserve antiquities for an in
definite period, but. of course, he was
just in fun when he said that. The
old folks are really entitled to a lot
OF credit for keeping on the move
when thev aight be expected to rest
on the shelf.
Here they we're. these male and fe-
male octogenarians. not propped up
in arm chairs dividing the family sill
verware and arranging requests to
hospitals and libraries, but out on the
binding desert. thousands of miles
from home, falling off donkeys. climb
ing up on eamels, deyouring guide
books, rummaging around for time
tables, kicking on the charges and
leading on the whole a life of purple
strenuosity. We heard of two English
women, sisters, both over seventy,
who had just returned from Khartoum.
from which point they had gone on a
hunting expedition still further into
the interior. They had to wear mos
quito bags and semi-male attire. and
were out in the wild country for days
at a time. chasing gazelles, hyenas
and other Indigenous fauna.
When the microbe of travel gets into
the human system nothing can exter-
inmate it, Once a traveller, always
traveler-that is, If the exchequer and
the physical strength hold out This
aching desire to pick up and go some
where is called by the Germans wan
derlust," and with singular appropri-
ateness, for it is a lust, an unholy
passion for gadding about.
Just as | am about to conclude this
treatise it occurs to me that, although
have given a wealth of useful in
formation regarding the Pyramids,
have rather overlooked our old friend
the Sphinx. I can only say in passing
that it looks exactly like the printed
advertisements. There is no decep-
tion about it. 1t is in bad state of
repair, but this is not surprising when
we consider its age. Herodotus does
nof r1antion tho SDbinv II WAS ripht
there at the time. In fact, it had
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29
MOONSFHINE I'm ALABAMA


brow as If the recollection heated him.
told him We were tolluby well fixed
with Bibles which we made a habit of
readin' and believn'. Thar wasn't moth
In in that book from kiver to fms, from
In tho beginnin to amen, that we ddn't
believe, incudin' the historical fack that
Balams ass had more sense than the
prophet that rode him. | mildly limited
to him that CORN to the way | diago-
nosed his case. he didn't know no more
about Heaven than ! did, and that my
information on that pint was absorbed
from perusin' the scripturs. So far as his
pintin' out to us the way of eternal life,
I had ten good dollars said he ddn' t
know as much about which way to pint
as you could punch in a doodle-hole with
peggin' awl. Sides that ] give it out
strong that the hill people hadn't espe-
shually sent for him, and could continue
to worry along without him mighty handy.
Them clutches of hs'en in the east had
the dry rot-they wus jess dots on the
map places where they sung few little
dinky ryming lines with soda-pop sentt-
ment in it. a slick parson read q classic
essay on the rottenness of the police de-
partment. rich brother filtered gram
matical prayer thro his apoplectic nose,
and all hands went home to a turkey
dinner This here performance is held in
the same place whur they have donkey
parties and 'soshuls, concerts and del
sarte gymnastics. No mourners' bench
in thar no sweet old mother in Israel
THROWN her arms around you ana beg
gin YOU to come, up and be prayed for;
no shoutin and sobbin' and hand-clappin'
but all jess as proper and sedate as a
funeral.
but Iawd. son. by the time you got
in hearn' of one OF our camp-meetin's ana
heeard the wonderful chant of thou
sand ll-throated worshippers, singing a
verse of one of them sweet old Zines
that waited our mothers and fathers home
to glory, -ou'd begin to feel a glow, and
when you seed the mourners fall in wind
rows and heard triumphant voices.
sweet with Joy, shouting halleMyah. and
listened 10 the thrillin' talk with God in
prayer OF the white-haired preacher.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29

If~ OMEHOW. endurin' lof my toom-
ultoous Greer l amt never ae-
~ cumulated any grdat gobs of
siety, like some folks down In the black
lands The rale bottom fack lin the case
is that I've always sorter felti that | was
a leetle shy on religgun. TIMES has been
Mt camp-meetin's when the elder was ex-
hortin' and the straw was fult of howln'
mourners and some wrinkleF sister was
beggin' me to fee from the wrath. that
] felt convinced ] was a 1ell-deservin'
rniserbull sinner, and frekfntly | have
swo-e off from likker ana cussin' Tor
weeks at time
zone of these yere tailOr-made narrer,
fat talkin' preacher chaps from some'ers
noarth put it all over me lately about the
sinfulness and irreligion, as he called it,
of our locality, and l never wanted relig-
gun as bad in my life as I did while he
was BLOWN off his bazoo. and givin' us
fits about drinkln' likker. and not havin
the regular, sofy-piller, har-mattress
mahog'ny upholstered kind of churches
like they do in the east. He lowed our
mountain folks was roode, Incorporate
and didn't yield none to religious inftu-
ences like an edecated constituency. What
we needs, he figgers, Is rale churches
with music and rtooals, same as them up
TO date communities, then we'd cease on
Lynchins and corn whisky. chicken dis
putes, haws-racin' and fightin'. He said
we ort to have a regular shore-enuff
minister to point out TO us the way OF
eternal life, and he added whole lot of
run in criticism of the umble people of
the hills.
II got wee bit hot onder the collar at
The frills he put on. and tho ] am chuck
fun OF respect for preacher. yet ] reck-
on handed 1t to him pooty warm on ac-
count of them opserf asnunsi re-
NAKED Prof. Bunk 4qkgins. wiping his
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29

you'd begin to think this was religgun
right We don't put on much dog with
our relggun, but we amt honin' to trade
ii for the weak, diluted artikkel they
keep bottled up lin the city.
'Seein that | was sot in my way this
callow divine 'peared to git horrer of
me, and lowed that | belonged to stiff
necked and perverse ginurashun; so that
night he went down in the valley and put
up at old Dick Shuckers tavern at the
Cross Roads Old Dick is unfinchin
democrat and originul secesh. His folks
goes to the cuch regular, though old
Dick never attends eXcep jess after a
democratic Nie'trY. The old migrate is fat.
and plain spoken, he hates a sham, and
he believes Heaven is jess like his old
home in Noarth Kalliny.
"A week or so arter the visit of the
clerical party l was down at Shucker' S
tavern findin' new virchoos in old Dicks
likker, and discussin' things mootual with
that landlord, when he rotcn up the sub
jec' of the Reverend SEE he:
IA niggah. sab, win remain a niger
without a durn bit of sense If he was
born over ergin three times yeah. sab
Now, that blanketty- blank fool of a mig
ger porter come prancn' up here with n
pinfeathef preacher from the 9TH. some
'ers one SADLY. instead of sawln' him
off ON the opposition hote1 Blamed Eth
opian idiot! He knowed l never charge
u minister of the gawspil for grub and
keep. I've got too dam much respeck for
my religgun to do that. TO make il stlll
wuss, that eussed hiatus of an ellpsis of
a niggah porter bedded down the parson
In our best front roonl-yeu know q mig
ger thinks preacher with a long tail
coat on is the biggest thing out. Yes.
shuh, he located that theological duck
right in among my lace cuttings and my
private parefeenaly, including the bottle
on the mantelpece, whur I keep a small
supply for toddy. and the deck of kyards
on the table as YOU have heretofore noted.
Jevver hear OF such fool condick cept
from a niger porter? That travein' di-
vine shifted at the bottle. giared at the
pasteboards, and-.then he squared around
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29

now believed that most of what Hero
dotus sent back was merely hearsay.
but 1t made good reading. The Pyr1=
mids had been standing some two
thousand years and any information
In regard to their origin could hardly
come under the head of personal reeol.
lections. Whatever Herodotus has 10
say about the Pyramids is now ac-
eepted as gospel, in spite of the fact
that he never saw them until twenty
centuries after the last block of stone
had been put in place and Cheops
had taken possession of the tomb
chambers. Rather late for a grand
opening.
When he arrived at the great Pyra-
mid he stepped it off and put down
the dimensions, and then he remarked
TO some of the natives standing around
that 1t must have been quite job TO
build a tomb of that size. They said
yes 1t had been big contract, and as
the thing had been completed only two
thousand years they were enabled to
go into details. They gave Herodotus
a fine layout of round figures. They
said that one hundred thousand men
had worked on the job and that the
time required was thirty years-ten
years to build the road and the huge
incline for bringing the blocks Of stone
into place, and then twenty years to
quarry the stone and transport it
across the Nile and the valley. The
stone cutters worked all the year, and
during the three months inundation,
when farming was at a standstill, the
entire rural population turned out, just
as they would at husking bee or a
barn raising and helped Cheops with
his tomb. They did this year after
year for thirty years, until they had
piled up 100000 blocks Of stone,
each containing forty cubic feet.
Herodotus discovered some large
hieroglyphics on the face of the Pyra-
mid and asked the guide for a transla-
ton. 1t is now supposed that the
guide could not read. Any one with
education or social standing wouldn't
have been a guide, even in that remote
period. But this guide wanted to APP
pear to be earning his salary and be
justified in demanding a tip, so he
said that the inscription told how
much garlic and onions the laborers
had consumed while at work on the
JOB and how much these had cost.
Herodotus put it all down in his note
book without batting an eye.
How much did they spend for on
ions and garlic?" he asked, poising his
pencil.
The guide waited for a woment, so
that his imagination could get a run
ming start, and then he replied, "They
cost / 800 talents of silver"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29
Ely WELLINGTON VANDTVER

alters charge market prices for the same.
And Cog, you shorey haint forgot the re-
mark that the gunner of N'arth Kalliny
made to the guy ner-here's at yer!
when I was big chunk OF a young
man | tended the camp-meetin' over on
Harrikin, regular, and 1t used to mortify
me powerful the way Bully Dickey would
cut up. Finully the occasion rolled
around when sorter assisted in the re-
generation of Bully, and added him to the
fold, unanimous. Dickey had gang
around him of sots and toughs, all of EN-
boot-lickin him, and ready to obey his
lightest word. They looked on him as
the king-pin, the jlgardier brindle, the
boss scrapper the Big Ike. the whole SIM
lin, and Bully was monarch of all he sur
veyed The good folks would come to the
camp-meetin' bringin' gals, and old ladies
and chllun, sleepin' in tents and Worship
pin under a great big bush arbor-that is
they would worship wnen Bully would
let 'em, which wasn't much often, as
that outcast would fill up his hide with
likker and go to pervadn' around with
his gang, whoopin' and a laffin and
mockin' the pious in their songs and pray
ers. At night when folks wanted to sleep
Dickey and his gang played cards, spoiled
good whisky, fit. and carried on scandalus,
with noise shootfn' OF pistols. runnn'
horses and other devlment. To such an
extent that folks talked about breakin' up
the meetin' and goin home
The preacher and committee come to
me one day and the old white-haired par
son nearly cried when he talked about
Bully's doins, and asked me to help them
restore order. somehow. See. he tBruth-
er Bosgins. | know you amt believer,
but you are law abidin man and the
Lawd has blessed you with a large
amount of muscle. and some grit, and you
ort TO use II in putin down this ungodly
Bully and his gang.
Il told EN- the cuttin up of thai lot
of intoxicated malignants had been chafn'
me for some time hack, and I'd try 10
hold ont some inducement to them sots
to cease maintainn' their devilment. l
sorter got my credenshuls ready by askin'
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29

the garlic story by Herodotus will
doubtless be regarded as a record per-
Torrance for a long time to come.
Cheops was possibly the most sue
cessful contractor In history. 1t is
estimated that he must have worked
one hundred thousand men in the
building of the great Pyramid, as re-
lated by Herodotus, and that he must
have devoted at least thirty years to
the big undertaking. During all that
time he never had a strike or even a
clash with the walking delegate. The
eight-hour day was unknown and no
one dreamed of such a thing as an
arbitration committee. All he had TO
do was to give orders and the entire
population obeyed him. Everybody
worked but Cheops. He didn't even
pay salaries. 1t is true that in spirit
of generosity he set out a free lunch
for the laborers-about $2,000000
worth of garlic and onions. If he had
tried to feed them on quail probably
he would have gone broke.
Nowadays visitors go out to the
Pyramids by tramcar. For some rea-
son We had the notion. doubtless
shared by many who have not been
there. that to get to the Pyramids one
simply rides through Cairo and out on
the fiat desert. AS matter of fact,
the great Pyramid at Ghizeh, it's two
smaller companions and the Sphinx
are on a rocky plateau five miles to the
west of the city. There is a Decline
| road across the lowlands. 1t is a wide
/ and graded throughfare set with aca-
| cha trees, and as you ride out by troll
| ley or carriage you look up at the
Pyramids, and when you are still three
miles away they seem to be at least a
half mile distant. At the end of the
avenue and at the foot of the hill there
is hotel and from this point one may
| climb or else charter a dumb animal.
Not knowing the ropes, we engaged
a carriage at 100 piastres to take us
from the city out to the plateau This
is not as much as it sounds but it is
about twice the usual rate. After we
struck the long road leading across
the valley and saw the trolley cars
| gliding by and leaving us far behind
we decided to send the carriage back
to the city and take the trolley. where
we would feel at home. The driver in
formed us that he could not return
| to the city, as the big bridge had been
opened TO permit the passing of boats,
and that 1t would be three hours be-
fore he could drive back to town. 1t
seems that he was right. The big
bridge swings open but once a day,
| and then 1t stays open for few hours,
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-04-29

We did not climb the Pyramids.
Mr.. Peasley said he would postpone
going up until they inaugurated lift
service. The view from the top Is
said to be very fine (see guide book
but those who are boosted and lugged
and hauled up over the angular blocks
of stone are so exhausted when they
arrive at the top that they cannot see
anything. We decided to go to the
interior and look at the tomb cham
bers. An easy incline led up to
sort of grotto entrance. and we
thought that going in to see these
chambers would be something like
strolling into rathskeller, Let us
quote Mr. Peasley's own words, that
the reader may gain some idea of the
horrible experience awaiting any one
who undertakes the journey.
"Three men with bushy whiskers
| and white Mother Hubbards got hold
of me and dragged me up to this hole
| in the rock" Is the way he told 1t to
| a group at the dinner table, Il told
'em | didn't need any help, but they
kept hold of me, and the next thing
I knew we were in rat hole as dark
| as pitch and as hot as an oven, slid
| ing right down to the center of the
/ earth The man in front had hold of
my leg pulling me along another one
| held me by the collar, and the third
one kind of slid along with the rest
| of us, and kept up a running CONVEX
sation In some foreign language. After
we had coasted about an eighth of a
mile as near as | could guess it off in
| the dark, we struck a large bowlder,
and | found myself locked in a mis-
] cellaneous embrace of the Arabs.
| Somebody lit a candle, and | found
! myself sitting on the edge of dark
hole that looked like the original bot
| tomless pit. | never saw a hole that
yawned more successfully. They
hoisted me over this and then We be-
gan to climb up through long
passage about the size of an ordinary
smokestack The rock had been worn
as smooth as glass. | had to double
up like a jackknife to keep from
humping my brains out. The man
ahead dragged me- the one behind
kept pushing and the third one some
where in the rear carried my hat and
did the talking. | don't know how
far we went, but it seemed about a
quarter of a mile. Finally we came
to a landing. | fell on my face and
said had enough. The man with the
| candle turned me over, and all three
| squatted beside me, there in the death
like gloom Of that Internal hole, far