The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-11-18
MARK TWAIN TELLS HOW HIS WIFE LEARNED He sW0RE

''At last / made UP my mind TO bold-
ly loaf through the bedroom with me
air of a person who had not been doing
anything. 1 made half the journey sue
cesSfully. / did not turn my eyes III hei
direction, because that would NOT %
safe 1t is very difficult to lcok as II
you have not been doing anything Whch
the facts are the other way, ana my
confidence in my performance oozeu
steadily out of me as L Went along
Il was aiming for the leIt-nahd 600.
because it was furthest from my wire
1t had never been opened from the day
that the house was built, but it seemed
a blessed ref1ge for me now the bed
was this one, wherein am lying now
AMI debating these histories morn1ns
after morning with so much serenity.
Bed Didn't Shield Him.
1T was this same old deliberately
carved black Venetian bedstead-the
most comfortable bedstead that ever
was, with space enough IN 1t for fam
lily, and carved angels enough sur
mounting its twisted columns and its
keadboard and footboard to bring peace
! to the sleepers. and pleasant dreams.
AZ had to stop in the middle of the
room. / hadn't the strength to go on.
believed that | was under accusing eyes
that even the carved angels were in
specting me with an unfriendly gaze
! You know how it is when you are con-
WINGED that somebody behind you Is
| looking steadily at you.
You have to turn your face-ycT
| can't help it.
| "I turned mine. The bed was placed
as It is now, with the foot where the
/ head ought to be. II it had been placed
/
board would have sheltered me-. Blu
the footboard was not sufficient protec-
| ton, for l could be seen over it. / was
| exposed. I was wholly without protec
ton. / turned, because 1 couldn't helI
| it-and my memory of what 1 saw j;
still vivid, after all these years.
A Rejoinder.
Against the white pillows 1 saw tn,
black head saw that young and beau
| tiful face; and l saw the gracious eye!
with a something in them which haC
never seen there before. They wer'
/ swapping with indignation.
I felt myself crumbling: 1 felt my
self shrinking away to nothing unde
| that accusing gaze. / stood silent un
der that desolating fire for as long a
minute, 1 should say-it seemed {
very, very long time.
| Then my wife's lips parted, and from
them issued-rny latest bathroom re
mark
THE language perfect, but the ex
preston velvety. impractical, appren
! ticelike, ignorant, inexperienced, conf
cally inadequate, absurdly weak ant
unsuited to the great language
I'm my lifetime ] had never hear'
anything so out of tune, so inharmoni
| Gus, so homogeneous, so ill-suited t
/ each other as were those mighty word
| set to that feeble music.
Then Both Exploded.
II tried to keep from laughing, for
was a guilty person in deep need o
charity and mercy. / tried to keep froI
bursting. and 1 succeeded-until sh
gravely said: There, now you know
how it sounds
Then I exploded the air was file
with my fragments. and you could hea
them whiz. I said: %. Livy, If
sounds like that 1 will never do
again
''Then she had TO laugh herself. Bot
of us broke INTO commissions, and wen
on laughing until we were PHYSICAL
exhausted and spiritually Ieconciled.