Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1906-11-08
DISSERTATIONS RY DooLEY.
Exceedingly Entertaining Reading
from the Pen of the Famous Din-
1cct writer.

Exceedingly Entertaining Reading
from the Pen Of the Famous Dia-
Iect writer.
The following extracts are from DIS
sertations by Mr.. Dooley' tho new book
OF Finley Peter Dunno, Just published
by Harper & Brothers, New York.
"Th' man that names tn Pullman cars
an tn pa-aper collars Nv this country
is our greatest pote. whoiver no Is"
II have a theory that all thrue elo-
quence comes firm tn tails " tn coat,
an II ye made an orator change into q
short coat he wud become def an
dumb"
Most IL tn OIL rnarrid men know
threat their wives like rockin' chair, a
great comfort whin they're tired, but
apt to be In tn way at other times.
WAS this wurrul liver amy more sim
pie thin It Is to-day? doubt It bet
ye there was a good dale Nv talk about
Adam an Iove dhressin' Internationally
and havin' tn King Of Bil5um's ancest-
hor to supper with thelm."
"Annyhow, what Is hceroismr II a
man stops n runaway team that is
dhrasgn's an empty milkwagon into a
ditch he's not a hero. He's fool. TIL
line Is lightly dhrawn anyhow. A hero
is often a succissful fool, an a fool is
an unsuccessful hero"
Tn docthors bothers us too much
about what we put into that mighty
tough OIL man-v-all-wurruk, tn human
stomach. Hiven stint mos Nv us good
dhgstions. but tn docthors won't let
thin wurruh. TIL strongest race Nv
,erl, -, A,,a no j,,a
robbed a neighbor was raised on pie"
Well he's a good man, an I'm with
him. said Mr.. Hennessy. Don't We
think he's right within he wants to put
a limit on how much money a man can
have?
" I do said Mr.. Dooley, but I'd
rather put a limit OH how little he can
have. "
Don't ye believe it, said Mr.. Dooley.
Nobody is too smart to be bunkoed. Tn
on'y kind ~ people that can be bunkoed
are smart people. Yc can DO too honest
to be bunkoed, but niver too smart. It's
the people that ARE thryin' to get some
thing f'r nawthin' that end in gettin
nawthin' f'r ivrythng.'
It's sthrange about tn vice prisi-
dincy' said Mr. Dooley. 'Th' PRESIDENCY
is tn highest office in tn gift iv tn
people TIL vice-prlsidincy is tn mex
highest an tn lowest. 1t isn't crime
exactly. Ye can't be sent to jail fr it.
but It's a kind iv a disgrace
" 7 have r-read tn report. an now
whin I'm asked to pass tn corned beef
pass Oh. dear. tn things I've con-
sumed in days past. What is lard
Lard is anything that isn't good enoufh
fr an axle. What is ported ham? 1t is
made in akel parts iv plasther " Paris
sawdust. rope an incautious laborer
To what kingdom does canned chicken
belong? It is a mineral How is soup
Get me tn fan, Hinnissy.''
Some day whin am downtown
am son' to dhorp IN on me frtnd tn
prisid.nt iv tn Pullman company an
ask him to publish a few hints to tn
wayfarer I wud like to know how a
g'ntleman can take off his clothes while
scttin' on thin. II wud help good deal
to know what to do with tn clothes
whin ye have squrmed out ~ thin
Are they to be rolled UP in ball an
placed undher tn head or dropped in
to tn aisle? Again, in tn mornin' how
to get into tn clothes without THROWN
tn thrain of tn thrack? I will tell We
con idintially. Hinnssy that not ben' a
contortionist tn only thing I took of
was me hat"
Il guess. Hnnissy. whin We come tc
think iv il they amt amy such things
as luxury in thravel. We was meant &c
stay where we found Ourselves first. an
| thravellin's is country to nature. / car
60 from Chicago to New York in twinty
hours. but what's tn matther with Chi
cago? I can injye places betther be not
/ goin' to thin. | think ~ Italy as tn
| home ~ tn Pope, but Hogan. who has
been there. thinks iv 1t as tn home ~
| tn flea. can see tn dome " St
Pethers risin' again tn sky, but he car
on'y see tn cahman that charged him
eighty liars, or thirty cents " our
money. to carry him around tn block
| I think iv New York as a place where
| people set shinin' their dimonds Will
satin napkins at tn Waldorf an drink
| in champagne out iv goold coal-scuttles
with Jawn ". Gates. but l know a man
down there that dhrives a dhray. I've
always wanted 70 see N Rocky Noun
ta!ns, but they don't look as tall nearby
as they do far away"