The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1906-06-06
A C0DjHgal System.

The married man alluded to herein
has for the past two months or 80,
been following what he calls a "con-
iugal system.h Up to the present he
is away ahead'of the game. He main
tains with considerable show of proof,
that his system is one that can't lose.
His system, briefly defined, consists
in standing mute under his wires u
rades.
He evolved the theory, both from
experience and observation, that II
there is any one thing in the world
that infuriates a married woman en-
gagged in orally lambasting her hus-
band for his sins, it is for the nus
band to maintain an utter and 1mpene-
trable silence.
When he found this out he had
gained wisdom, and when he put ii
into practice be gained peace.
Before tumbling onto this coDjugal
system, he had permitted himself to
make reply to his wiie's jibes. jeers
and accusations during the moments
of domestic eruptions.
He did not know then, that the man
never lived, before or after the earll-
est of the Phoenician n~avigators, who
ever stood a chance on earth to win
in q argument with bis wife. Myriads
of millions of husbands have gone to
their graves without ever having
found this fact out. Countless mil
lions who did find it out didn't have
the sense to be guided by it, and lost
ont in their domestic struggles, as q
matter of course, from the beginning
TO the end. g,
Before this particular man gained
the wisdom of silence under Wlfely
reprobation, he had, like most OF the
rest, tie habit of answering back. He
would come home pretty late, for ex-
ample, with some kind of obviously
rehearsed yarn about having attended
to an important business engagement,
and his wife would open up on him.
He'd have a pat reply. She'd have
a patter one. Then they'd have it
back and forth, and the thing would
inevitably terminate in the mans
being slithered to ribbons. One fancy
crack would bring on another, one sar-
casm would bring on another, and Tor
d little while the SCARED and evil bird
of hate would hover over the home.
Eager to gain this advantage, which,
of course, had never really departed
rom the woman, both would say
things to each other that 1t hurt them
to even think about afterward, and
bus the old game went on.
Now, the man discovered the strange
off cscv of silence in q curious way.
He came home one one night about
two months ago just a teenchy bit to
the bad. He had met some one OF the
fellows, and he'd taken one or two too
many. He didn't have any excuse at
hand that he thought he'd be able to
get away with at home. Moreover, ne
had q bunch that his tongue might
prove a bit thick and troublesome,
anyway. So, right on the threshold
of his home he had an inspiration.
He resolved that he wouldn't say a
word.
1t worked ~gorgeously, and he's been
playing the system ever since,
Here's about the way the play un-
ravels itself:
Well suppose that the man comes
home late. His wife j. sitting up, with
all of the gas fiaring and the Corners
of her mouth drawn tightly downward.
She drops her book when be comes III:
stares hard at him, and, says she, IN a
most significant tone, full of inquiry.
"Well?" ,
Man, after hanging up his hat and
coat, drops into a chair, with an am
liable expression Of c~ountenance, Hicks
a little imaginary dust from bis coat
lapel, and says nothing. She's walt
ing for him to begin to unreel the tx
cuse. He fools her. :,
"Well?' she repeats in a hard, arid
tone. Have you any eason to offer
for your coming home at this time OF
the night,..or morning, and IN ibis
condition." THE man has had two
bottles of beer, and his condition is all
right, ..but she won't grant that
Man gets TO looking at n OF the
pictures on the wall, and seems to no.
tIce that the picture is hanging a bit
crooked. He goes over to the picture
and fixes it straight, but says nary a
word. This causes her to begin, then
and there, to get somewhat bet up.
$50 y%ou:don't dare trust yourself to
speak0that is it?" she says, with a
still more accusatory ring in her tone,
"Iou are simply tongue-tleo al'er your
carousing, eh?"
Man gets out his pocket knife,
opens up the nail file blade, and pro-
ceeds to file away an imaginary hang
nail from his left thumb. But be
doesn't say a word.
"What do you think of yourself, I'd
like to know" says his wife, after
half u minutes silence, making the
pause for the perfectly obvious pur-
pose of allowing the man to put his
foot into it by replying, which he ut
terly declines to do. II wonder fyou
ever stop to think that you are going
to the dogs as fast as you ever can?
Does it ever occur to you that you are
getting into q rut of dissipation lately
that is lust bound to drag you down
to perdition and land us both i'll the
p~Oorhouse?'
Man whistles about three bars o. a
plaintive air, and picks up The Star
paper, which he read through. right
after dinner, and p%retends TO be deep
ly absorbed in the Anacostia news.
But he doesn't say anything.
She begins to pant with rage. Ii
begins to become palpable to her hat
he isn't going to reply to any ordinary
knock. She makes up her mind thar
she's going to make him say some
thing or know the reason why. In
order to start him, she concludes to
hand him some kind of cutting jolt
sufficient to damage his self-esteem,