davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
THE PROFESSOR WANTS LOVE
ADDED TO THE CHICAGO
CURRICULUM

Prof. Laupher. OF Chicago has just
given single bIessednegs d fearful jolt
by declaring there Is no hope OF I'M
mortality for bachelors and old maids
Then he comes forward with a terrible
anIIdote-rhe plea LnaL love be taught
IN the public schools,
Shades Of Romeo and juliet!
Teach love in schO---. say. why not
teach fishes TO swim:
Here it IS Scene. public school, jun
Tor class in high, instructor says
Jones, what IS loVer"
IT is a foolish feeling. ma am.
Miss Smithers. what is lover 4
1T is something perfectly lovely
Watson, what is lover
I'm from Missouri
Miss Smithers, show Watson what
love Is"
Then these young folks are instructed
IN the art OF fattery. IN The art OF pay
ing compliments. IN the art or gazing
sOulfully from the eyes, IN the art OF
holding hands, and finally in the Art OF
Now this is not what the country
II is ali right TO teach love. but why
waste time on the frllLs. youth or a
maid who don't know how 10 make
love deserves 70 remain single.
Teach The suitOr how 70 go out ana
hustle up the funds FOR house wrap
Der. an afternoon gown a travelling cos
tume. an evening wrap. a couple dozen
other dresses and the Irllls thaJ 90 Win
EN-. When he can do this, tel hln 10
go ahead, he viii make hit with any
and then teach a girl 20 make home
more attractive than any other place
Teach her 70 wear her company sfaile
at the breakfast table ana 10 AaEAlN II.
As for bachelors and old maids. per-
haps after all the professor IS tlghl;
II they remain single they have had
their heaven on earth.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
SULTAN AS FINE LoGICIAN
REASONS IN STARTLING MANNER

The New York Times prints a story
which should forever put stop TO
Americans wonder at how thu Turkish
Sultan's mind works. whether i be IN
rbe matter of receiving the United
states ambassador or in respect 10 his
financial dealings The story says:
An ambassador OF a well-known Eu-
ropean monarch was riding in the
streets of Constantinople. when one OF
the Sultan's carriages rolled by. See
ing IL was guarded his curiosity got the
better OF him, and Wneu the carriage
reached him he was daring enough 10
peeD in at the passenger.
He was surprised and panied 10 re-
ceive "A blow in the face from an at
tendant IN charge. Mad with rage. he
demanded an audience OF the Sultan.
The Sultan listened attentively, and
for a moment appeared lost in thought
AT last he spoke. My dear --. have
gone carefully into the case and see
exactly how # stands. You are, OF
course, a gentleman. Therefore you
would never have committed such a
breach Of good manners as you allege
10 have taken place. Therefore no at
tendant could possibly have struck you.
The whole affair seems 10 be a product
of your fancy. Let us dismiss H."
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
Cheap Preserves Killed.

At last the seemingly impossible
has happened. and it is conceded by
the manufacturers that no longer
will there be any considerable mar
keting of the cheaper grades of pre-
serves, ielhes, mincemeat, tomato
ketchup and other palate tickling
concoctions that have so long -four
ished under names as fictitious as
some of their own ingredients
This excellent state Of affairs is to
be brought about by the new na-
uonal pure food law.
The cause is this: That the re-
tailers are now demanding gTaran-
tees on all goods purchased from
stock as we'll as those specially
packed under the distributors own
labels. These guarantees the man
ufacturers will not give on the low
or grades of goods, and further
more, increased prices viii be
charged for about everything in the
perserve line, because in order to
keep their standing as reputable
manufacturers and comply with the
label requirements larger proper
tion OF more expensive ingredients
must be used.
This development of the workings
of the new law should be of vast
benefit TO the people at large, es-
pecially that portion that sees in
the saving of q few cents all that is
good and desirable. As matter of
fact, certain preserves and iellies
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

have been sold at such ridiculously
low figures that it was impossible
to believe they were ever what they
were purportcd to be, and in some
cases it Is known that they have
been loaded up with very harmful
substances. Ii manufacturers, then,
will no longer agree to take back
the stuff that fails to run the CANT
let of boards o health, the highway
to a new and improved culinary de-
partment is already plainly opened.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
"NICK" NOT ENTITLED TO SIT
HIGH UP IN BEAUTY CONGRESS

The Hon. Nicholas LongworJa IS IA
nous for he is an Ohio Representative
and he is the only son-in-law the Presl-
dent boasts. But he is not handsome
man. according 10 Correspondents !. l.
Morrow. Of the Cleveland Plain Dealer
Mr.. MOrrOws wore picture OF MI
Longworth is as follows:
1T cannot lie said the President s
son-in-law is handsome. He is bald, TO
begin with His teeth are long and wide,
signifying "A generous disposition. Inc
nose turns up. almost. in that there -
some audacitv. Power IS in the chin;
0bstinacv. perhaps. but it is too vast 10
lone az Don Ouixote's OF John Brown :.
hlt their breadth rescues the mind and
character from the folly of visions and
from servitude to a mission. The eyes,
gray. open. far apart, are honest,
frank. and vigilaut. The brow Is full
and high. Stature no more than the
average. Voice low, polite, but mascu-
line
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
TIMELY TIPS.

When a naeging wife comes in the
door ambition flies out the window.
You can cut lots Of ice with dia-
naond. but there is more pToht cutting
glass with st.
A man who expects 10 get kiss mere
ly BY asking for It dosn't deserve II any
way.
A passionate lover can become a pas
siOnaIe hateF-
4 coquette is a girl who IS sorry when
she gets 10 be thirty-five-
About the age 2 woman begins 20 pc
afraid she won't be married man
gins TO be afraid he viii.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
WISE AND CROSSWISE,
ENDWISE AND SIDEWlSE
Ne BUGHOUsE BARD.

He sat on a bench in the common.
tearing ont handfuls Of his corn-col-
ored locks with one hand and writing
on 3 slate with the other.
SAY, mister" lac said. when ap-
preached, I've got Tennyson ana " IL
cox and Homer and Keats twenty feet
under water signaling for fresh air when
il Genes TO poetry. listen 10 this;
When the Glum-gluck woddles from
hls stnixelWOrter nest.
And the SDluE bird sings through ti'~
pocket CT his vest
When the MaldaouW climbs up lhe
Splootglump tree
And wires his feet on his fat round
knee:
When the Nibbiob swims through q
blood-grven lake
And shaves his neck with a raw beef
steak.
1t is time for the Gnogs and the Nlupps
and the keet
To wear their hair on the bottoms OF
their feet"
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
ANGRY JAPANESE REBUKED
BY FACILE SOUTHERN WRITER

From the South comes remarkable
rebul1e OF the japanese. who are at
present giving this Government some
concern. An editorial in the. Augusta.
Ca, Chronicle administers the rebuke
in a maze Of metaphor and blaze OF
mental pyroteehnics- It says,
Japan Is on a high horse, but the
doughty Jap must not get ga. with
your Uncle Sam, simply because he pat
China to sleep in one round. and ad-
ministered a solar pleXus 10 the Russian
Bear. We have great regard for our
progressive pupil IN the Orient On the
battlefield, on the high seas, and In the
marts OF material progress the Jap has
challenged the admiration of Christian
dom In the past decade He is some
pumpkins IN any international gather
ing. But he must not imagine that
Uncle Sam is going 10 allow his pOach-
ers to Kill our seals and go unscathed
with ill-gotten booty. We have an eye
to the value of this business, and no
women in the world look better in seal
skin sacques than our own.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
BAILEY OF TEXAS DEFENDED
BY MAN FROM WASHINGT,

Senator Bailey of Texas has been
ing an interesting time in this cah
paign. He has been so umc- abusg
for accepting fees from corporations
and so much defended that Texas IS
full OF Bailey history. A man from
this city. W. II. McNiel, president OF
the Texas Society. has Joined the de-
fense. and here follows his terse sum
ming up of Bailey's coed deeds, as ex-
pressed by Nh McNlel In a letter 10
the Houston Post,
The income tax was opposed by the
corporations: Mr.. Bailey favored II.
RimerslNsm v-a opposed By the cor
DOrauOHg, Mr.. l. .luey favored H.
Reduction of the taIim was OPP SEQ Dy
the corporations; Mr.. Bailey IL pred II
Antitrust acts and amendmeLCs there
20 were opposed by the corporations
Mr. Bailey favored them
railroad corporations; Mr.. Bailey faV-
OTed IL.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
ELECTRICITY ROCKS CRADLE
IN SLEEPY PHILADELPHIA

II may be regarded as only natural
that from Philadelphia. noted. justly or
unjustly. for its sleepy ways, should
come the story that cradles can be
rocked by electricity, to the great relief
OF tired mothers.
The Philadelphia Bulletin tells it as
An electric cradle" said the sales
man is the latest thing The or
dinarv light current runs II, as in the
case OF the electric ian.
He attached TO the cradle the mex
fble cord through which the electricity
flowed. and turning the button stepped
hack The cradle rocked with a smooth,
soft motion. There was a tiny switch
TO make il go fast or slow.
..Great. isn't it?" said the salesman
MY only wonder is that, with our cleo
trio sewing machines. ,srpetsWeepeIsI
cbafng dishes. hot water bags. and
what not, We didn't hit on the electric
cradle long before this
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
The Prophets Are Reticent.

\ certain becoming and, it may
he added. judicious modesty is mani
rested this fall by the political
prophets. Aside from the hackney
ed statements" put forth by the
professional claim departments Of
the campaign committees, in which
everything in sight is alleged to be
certain for us," prophecy is Ia
booed. Nobody is risking any repu-
tation by trying TO guess on results.
There is small wonder. This
campaign is as spotted as a measles
patient at the crisis of the break
ing ont" but nobody is just sure
what it is that is coming out, There
is "a widespread disgust with the
Republican claim that prosperity is
a strictly Republican institution.
Too many people know that pros
peritv is worldwide at present, and
they don't believe the Dingley wall
is protecting the people on both
sides OF il. There is the demand,
which Secretary Taft noticed, for
tariff revision, and on the whole it
is getting stronger all the time.
Over against this there is the con-
Seryative disposition not to inter
fere with ''vycIl enough" That dis
position will mold millions of Re
publicans in line; but viii it hold
enQugh2 In 1890. when prosperity
was said. as il is now said, to be
at the highest tide ever known, the
country overwhelmingly elected a
Democratic House. In 1892, when
the tide was still higher, the coun-
try elected a Democratic President.
We'll enough" was not let alone
then. There is no precedent on
which to base assurance that it will
be let alone this time.
The country Is fuller of more
kinds of political disaffection than
it has been in many years. No
body's politicai machine is good for
anything. Folks have learned al
last that they need have no terror
Of the Australian ballot The intel
Iectual exercise incident to carving
il neatly and effectually seems
rather 10 please them, whereas they
used to feel under obligations to
vote it straight
Party lines are going, and party
funds are not at hand with which
10 reform them From almost al
the States comes the same wall, and
from managers of both parties. Nc
money TO be had. People are going
to vote to suit themselves; nobody
to haul them TO the polls, or 10
hire them on election day either To
work for "the party" OF to KEEP
away from the voting place. And
there's no guessing how a real, in
dependent vote-as-you-please elec
tion would result. There are no
precedents.
Local conditions-but there are
SO many styles that their discussion
is utterly impossible. They may
crowd affairs in one direction in one
locality, and in another place may
push in the very opposite direction
In such a complication it's a wise
prophet that doesn't prophesy; anC
there seem TO be a good many wise
ones this season.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
A NEAR-FABLE.

Once two clerks who had been out
late drinking. the night before. over
slept and were quite late at the office-
one said the feTryboat had sunk and he
was delayed swimming ashore. He was
discharged. The other said he met Mr..
Blank. VINO owed the firm a bill, and
was promoted
Moral-It Is not the worst liar in the
world that succeeds. but the best.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
SideLightS on People
And EpentS of Today
REMARKABLE DENUNCIATIoN
OF HEARST BY BAILEY

Senator Bailey. sn adept in the use of
the condemning word and the strong ad-
jective has this 10 say Of William Ran
dolph Hearst
He is a political Ishmaelite, with his
hand raised against every man and eN-
ery mans hand raised against him. He
l. so bad that his candidacy would de-
bauch any electorate. his election would
disgrace any Office, and his leadership
would destroy any party
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
wATTERsON HEARS OLD WORDS
FROM A VERY NEW VICTIM

Col. Henry Watterson's words are as
sharp as his pen point when he wants
Them 10 be-which IS not infrequent.
Consequently. it is easy TO picture the
coIoneTs satisfied smile when he read
this note from a Kentucky paper:
Young Governor Beckham. OF Ken
lucky. Democrat, accuses Col. Henry
Vatierson. Democrat, of attacking him
i'm his Louisville paper in "a vicious and
yCDOmOus manner.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
PUNISH YALE GALLANTRY
TO VISITING TEACHERS

NEW HAVEN, Conn. Nov 1,-As Sc
we're punishment as could be inflicted,
without expelling them from college,
has been meted out to five members
OF the freshman class of Sheffield SCien-
tific School of Yale for presuming to ad-
dress young women school teachers who
recently attended a convention held in
Yale halls.
The young men in a spirit OF fun
proffered their services as guides and
made remarks OF "A gallant nature
which drew the notice Of the proctors.
Names of the offenders cannot be
learned 1t is understood that for the
remainder OF the year their quota OF
allowable absences from recitation Is
refused, necessitating attendance at ev-
cry recitation.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
The Business of Busting.

against Standard Oil, under the
Valentine antitrust act, suggests
some reflections on the comparative
efficiency OF busting" and curbing
the trusts. 1t was something like
a duh thud that the public expert
cnced when, after following the de-
tail of that trial for weeks, it re
ceived news that the court had fined
the great Standard Oil trust $4,000.
Il was another such sensation as
the public experienced when the
packers received absolution in the
immunity bath.
Another great case is pending
against the Standard Oil Company,
in which. it has been calculated. a
possible 500, 900 of fines might
be laid agains: the company as pen
alties for rebate-taking. Doubtless
il viii result in much the same way.
If the Government wins, it will get
the rather poor satisfaction of es-
tablishing that the law is sound.
But the penalty viii be no penalty
at all. The trouble with busting the
trusts is, first, that they don't bust
md second, that if they were all
busted, the rest of the community
would be busted with them.
Combination, Capitalization, ag-
gregation. are the industrial watch
words of the age. The development
Of these tendencies could about as
well be stopped as could the revolu-
ton of the planet on its axis. What
is needed is 10 bride the trust. not
to bust it; to make it work for the
people, instead of making the peo-
pie work for it, Nobody more thor
oughly believes this than the men
who have had most experience with
the business of fighting trusts in
the effort to destroy them.
The public's antipathy TO trusts
is not to their bigness, but to their
badness. The truth is that most
Americans are rather proud that
'our" Steel trust dominates the
worlds iron busines; that our
Meat trust is the biggest thing il
the food supply business; that our
Oil combine is potent on every con
tinent. The power of the big trust;
means industrial conquest foI
America. What needs to be pre-
vented is industrial conquest OF
America.
Bring the trusts under Federal
regulation. The method has beer
pointed out. The pure food law, the
meat inspection law, point the way
Require them TO be licensed by the
Federal Government before they
NAV engage in interstate commerce
/ Make proper and sound regulations
Prevent overcapitalization. En-
force real publicity. Give competi
ton a chance 10 keep down prices
Remove the excessive protection
that permits exploitation of the
home market. Harness the trust
and let public interest drive it, in
stead of harnessing the public and
/ letting the trust drive it.
Z
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
NEW MOTTO.

He belongs 10 the Macbeth Club.
"Who, McLush? Never heard OF that
club"
He got stuck on their motto. Damn
ed be he who first cries Hold
enough % 90
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
OF COURSE.

7 suppose they would serve a war
-anu on Roc Ckefeller as Tohn Doe just
as they would on anyone elSeE
''No, indeed, as John Dough.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

There's really no need of organizing a
new party to boost for RoOsevelts re-
election. The only party that can pre-
vent il. from present indications. is the
President himself
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
FAULTY RHETORIC.

Lunches put up 10 take out read
Weerie, with q sigh. as he gaZed in the
window OF a quick lunch emporium.
law. say, why don't they have Il
Lunches put out 10 take up?
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

More trouble is intimated in Cuba. No
will be violated by stating
that when trouble begins next time it
viii be the real article.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

William H Newman, OF the New
ord this year for dlrectorships and
trusteeships. He represents the Van
derbilt interests in 100 corporations.
Frederick Underwood. president of the
Erie Road. holds seventy-two director
ships and trusteeships.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

Somebody has been so mean as to call
attention 70 the fact that in Mexico.
on the other side of the Dingley wall,
they are actually just as prosperous as
in the United States. It was a mighty
mean thing to do before election.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

Folks who are sure Wall Street knows
how to guess on the ele ction viii be
wise il they take notice OF the stock
quotations, which look like the betting
odds turned inside out.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

The Hughes people have suddenly dis
covered that Richard Croker is
mighty good citizen and true patriot.
He looks as good 10 them as Murphy
does to Hearst. Some Of the strange
bedfeIlowships of politics give the pub
lie the nightmare.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01
MISS BROWN WEDS
IN BOWER At HOME
Becomes Bride of Reginald
E. DemareSt, of Spring
field, Mass.

Miss Frances A. Brown. daughter Of
Mr. and MIS-. Stephen c. Brown, was
married last evening TO Reginald Z.
DCmarest, OF Springfield. Mass. son OF
DR.. Denarest OF Washington. The
ceremony was performed in the home
of the bride parents on Capitol Hin,
by the Rev Frank NJ Bristol. pastor
OF the Metropolitan NJ +. Church. c.
Bowden was the best man and Miss
Annie Gahher played the wedding mu-
sic. The bride wore a gown OF white
silk and carried a shower bouquet Of
Bride roses and lilies OF the valley. Her
only attendant was The sister Of the
bridegroom. who wore a gown Of yell
low banzai and carried d huge bunCn
OF yellow chrysanthemumE.
The bride was escorted 10 the bower
or greens and white flowers IN front of
which the ceremony was performed by
her father who gave her in marriage.
Mr.. aud Mrs. Demarest left on night
train FOR their wedding journey. which
wiz end IN their new home in Spring
field. Among the guests a. the we'd
ding were DR.. and Mrs. Frank W. Dem
Arrest, Nh and Mrs. 5. G. Brown, Mr..
and Mrs. Albert r. Dietrich, Mrs. Dem
Arrest. OF HaCkensach, Miss Emma Hold
er Mrs. Nellie L. BudIong, Mr. and
AIRS. Harry J.s Brown, Mrs. A r.
Brown, and the Misses Charlotte viii
lenbuCher, Frances J. Miller. May r.
Fer Don. Frances M G. Wright, Vera
f Adams. Irene :. Hawkins. Louise
Raun. Beulah Sanderlin. Molly 3. Wey-
man. - Dorothy Hall, Madge I. Coon.
Evelyn l. Kemp. Katherine Hardwick.
Alice b. Paret, Irene A. Dietrich, Rose
a. Hayes. Anna T. Johnson, Rosalie
Walker. FlOrine Walker. Inez Parker.
Gcnevicve Morrison. Annie Cooling Ha-
eel Dakins and Watson J.. Morris and
Clarence L. Cory i'm.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

II seems that the American street cars
aren't popular in London. They don't
have seats enough. There have been
whispers Of the same objection 70 them
in this country
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

Even the fact that there is a dossier
in the Castellane case will not discOur-
age folks about reading II. 1t Isn't the
same dry. old dossier that We knew in
the Dreyfus case, by jugfull.
The Washington times., 1906-11-01

A unique feature OF fall weddings was
introduced yesterday. when the guests
for the ceremony which united Miss
Lille Alma Leib. and Milton Luther
Shook. were seated By young girl ush-
ers. The welding took place in the
Methodist Episcopal Church in Mt
Pleasant, near Baltimore. The maid Of
honor was Miss Elizabeth Washers, of
York, Pa, and the ushers were Miss
May Slagle. of Middleburg, Carroll
county. Md. and Miss Avice Thomas,
of Frederick county. Md.
The San Francisco call., 1906-11-23

when they visited Mowry Hall Super
visor Coleman stated that the place
looked good TO him, and so they stayed.
Nicholas declared that he understood
at the time that the board had the
right to take possession of any build
ing and that when Levy ordered them
several times to get out they merely
told him that they would il they could
find suitable place TO go TO. The
court refused to allow him to answer a
direct question about the agreement
to pay Levy $500 a month.
Levy declared that the county officers
took a portion of his tables and chairs
away with them when they left the
building and never returned them. As
an illustration of the method by which
the county officers took possession of
the hall, Levy said that the Assessor
entered the place, put his hat on a
chair and hung a sign over the back
of 1T, and that from that time the chair
became the Assessors office.
Members of the Hayes Valley Ath-
letic Club testified that the hall was
still used by certain of the club men,
bers as a meeting place, despite the
presence of the board.
The San Francisco call., 1906-11-23
Holmes Paid Bribe
Outside Mowry Hall

Supervisor F. P. Nicholas received a
bribe from Holmes Bros. on the steps
of Mowry Hall while a crowd of men
stood near by and might have wit
messed the transaction had they real
lied what was under way, according to
a report now circulating among those
who are interested in the Nicholas
case. HIS is, however. not charged with
taking a bribe, merely with agreeing
to take II, and il is understood that
the distinction is made necessary be-
cause, while there are three witnesses
to prove that Nicholas arranged to pur-
chase 1851 worth of forniture for the
would pay him 10 per cent commits
Nicholas who can testify to the actual
passing of the s2s-1o, and that man
was the one who paid the money
According to the testimony which
will be adduced at the trial. one OF the
Holmes brothers went to Mowry Hall
with Nicholas "rake-off' after Holmes
had received the full amount for the
furniture from the city treasury. The
Supervisor had just come from the hall
and was standing in group with sew
eral fellow members of the board and
other men. Holmes came to the group
and greeted Nicholas. calling him to
the curb and out of hearing of the
others Then from a well-f1lled pocket
the furniture man drew a handful of
gold and silver coins. counted out the
Doodle and handed it to Nicholas, who
showed it into his pocket and retoined
his friends in the crowd.