New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1906-02-27
REMEDY DIDN'T WORK.
Philosophic Treatment of Dyspepsia Failed
Him
From The Washington Star.

From The Washington Star.
This man made up his mind that he was going
He'd been suffering from dyspepsia for
couple OF months and 1t irked him, dyspepsia
being undeniably irksome to some tempera-
ments.
He had listened to everybody, and tried 'em
all. There wasn't brand of digestive tablets
known TO the canned goods corners or the
chemists shelves that he hadn't fallen for.
Some Of the digestive tablets really relieved
him for long three minutes at q stretch,
but three minutes In continuous performance
of dyspepsia is an inconsequential space Of time.
He'd gone up against the hot water before
breakfast and the cold water before breakfast
cures. Each and both of these cures only made
him a very much sicker man than he had been
He had tried dieting with the greatest eIab-
Grafton. and systematically. He found that, on
the whole, he suffered a very great deal less
when he ate large quantities Of cold roast pork
and hot mince pie and drank about two quarts
of coffee day than when be confined his dietetic
attentions exclusively to warm milk and graham
waters.
He made piteous appeals to a large number Of
medical men, some of whom were personal
friends of his. and he found that the things they
did for him really succeeded only in cluttering
his system with liquid articles the aroma or
which caused him TO think Of the effiuvia dlr-
fused from drug store that has just been
opened on a warm summers morning
So the man finally got mad. He decided to
become his own doctor. And the very minute
he made the mental decision he knew Just ex-
actly what allied him. He diagnosed his case 10
his own perfect satisfaction.
Il know what's the matter with me- he
booze-a whole lot o booze. Here I've been on
the water wagon for nearly six months and I've
got into physical rut' l qu.t the rum thlng an
/ too suddenly. That's what's the matter with
mel gave up rum in too much OF hurry and
staying off the booze all these SIX months Man
that's been used TO a little booze Whtrl every
two or three months and who's always taken
that treatment for that tired feeling has no
right to get chesty with himself and flag the
rum all of a sudden 5 dangerous Likely to
fasten some chronic trouble upon him. And
Z w bqnppOed
i've revolutionized my life too violently, and
been too blamed goody-goody- Result is I've
| become a chronic dySpeptiC- I've got into
measly rut. I've been leading gray, dun-hued
days Now I'm going 20 fix the hull thing up,
ell by my little old lonesome. I'll fool all these
doctor sEarps and tablet recommenders; that's
what. All I've got to do is to insert a vast and
unprecedented amount OF highly rebel1ous
/ liquor into my midrif and let the whole blamed
/ situation fight ii out.
IN Just stand by as sort of spectator. and
! when it's all over I'll be a winner And look at
/ all picked up. all I've got to do is TO throw my
/ head back and listen 10 the music while the in
/ ternal battle is taking place And mine will be
the victory and the conquest over these Internal
! dopists who don't know any more about dys-
pepsia than they do about Deuteronomy. TIN
/ only take about two DAYS from my business
/ I'll just go over TO Baltimore, or some such
/ quiet little place, SOS TO get under cover, and
| then I'll come back and take a nights sleep in
/ company with a bunsky such as no Washing
/ tonian has accumulated for a dozen years and
/ when wake uD III invite all these doctor birds
| over 'em. I won't have any more dyspepsia
than pink nosed shoat have spoken. That's
/ me-
/ Coarse and crude philosophy, chi
! But considering the really determined efforts
/ the man had made to rid himself OF the dys-
! pepsia; considering the truth Of his reasoning
/ that he had actually foregone the indulgence IN
! the cup too suddenly six months ago, and had
/ thus, by remaining on the water wagon for &
/ longer period than had been his experience in
/ many years. inflicted sort Of blow upon what
/ might be called the routine OF his physical sys-
/ TEN; considering how every man is supposed 70
| possess a sort Of instinct tc what is better
or best for his bodily organization; considering
that he had given all known dyspepsia cures a
thorough trial and had prOhted by none of
/ thenl-was II not a sensible and reasonable sort
/ of philosophy after all?
1t was mott
The narrative hasn't the least right in the
! world. according to all accepted cenOns and
| tents. to end in this way. but
1t mott
The man went to Baltimore. and he became
! picked. and now he's back again. Gagged up with
a brand of dyspepsia that makes everything of
the kind he had ever experienced before feel, by
comparison. like the warm. mellow stomachic
| glow that follows the quaffing OF several jsWeled