Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-02

S1ugger does An wat makes it? Why, the
least drop O. booze. 1t hates whisky worse'n
Methodist or Maine man. You put drop o
whisky on this wood, an it swels up like cats
tail when she's mad, only worse. 1t just expands
an expands till it's as big as tennis bat, an
you can't miss the widest curves in the business:
And the other nine can't kick. Why!
Because it's done so quick they en- hardly see
it. Say go up to bat. My mouth is full o
booze; just as the pitcher throws, squirt my
mouthful O ticker.
"Biff hit the ball. and she goes for
triple or homer, and drop the bat. The
minute it hits the ground it sinks back happy,
into its natural size, and when your opponents
rush up to see it they are more than mystified."
Sounds like wastin' good red-eye, says
Simmons; "but if it'll win victories, l guess
the club can stand it. Well have to see how
it works. though, before we try it in any game"
When Gonfalon Kellys trunk came there
was a rush to see the bat that hated BOOZE
Well, the bat was there, and Gonfalon gets
a drink O rye whisky and shows us. The min
ute he wet the sides O that club with the rye
poof! it's as big round as a good-sized nail
keg, and Gonfalon soaks an imaginary ball
four miles, and we all start to try 1t ourselves
we'll be perfected in the use OF it. And
when it's done bottle of rye is gone and the
Suggtt Inn has bill of four dollars and
sixty-fve cents against Sure Eye for drinks.
Tomorrow is great game with the Smash
villes, the league leaders. In our present
slump you could get big bets against us, even
in our town; so, saying never a word,
Long Arm Leary and Sawed Off SPOTS and
Chopemout Clancy and me take all we can get.
To say that everybody's eyes were on
Chopemout Clancy when the head of our
batting order shouldered the Kelly expansive
affair, took mouthful of prime straw colored
alcohol, and marched out to the plate IN the
first inning of the great game, is drawing it mild.
The pitcher hurled up fast curve like we'd
been missing by mile for week. We seen
thin, straw colored stream FIN his lips, an
The Expansive Bat shrunkl Sure! Shriv-
eled up till it wasn't any bigger round than
1ath, and Chopemout, who had started
most prism swing, went round SO fast the
Smashville's ketcher had to stop him.
When he came in Gonfalon kelly's face was
a study. az want to explain, says he that any
dishonest ball player that thinks he can palm
off tobacker juice on that bat instead O. real
live rum is goin' to get stung. That bat likes
tobacker, an refuses to git angry. His spirits
is only aroused by raw spirits"
Of course Chopemout Clancy was in dis
grace. He'd good drink O liquor; but,
as Gonfalon Kelly said, at what cost! 1t
might cost Sluggtt Corners the game that
strike-out.
And then came Long Arm Leary. He
shouldered the bat took drink, an started
for the plate. Halfway there he stopped,
hesitated, turned round, an, with his eyes
just bulgin' out Of his head, says It's gone
"The-you know says Long Arm. 1T
jes' slipped down. Couldn't help it. honest"
So he had to go back and get some more,
and lost that Sure Eye was hot.
Sink your teeth into this" says he. If
you lose it, you're released"
Long Arm shamefacedly shambled to the
plate, waved the rick bat in wavering man
ner an struck out.
At the end of the fourth inning the expansive
bat had netted US two runs five hits, and seven
mild cases of jag. Chicago Glen and Gonfalon
Kelly were sober citizens. l admit l swallowed
some of the stuff, but l pitcher, and if
batted too strong they'd suspect something.
At the end of the seventh we had six runs,
seven hits six plain DRINKS, and one delirium
tremens-Long Arm Leary. We had seven
cases of paralysis when the game was over;
but won, which the main thing
But Gonfalon Kelly wasn't satisfied. He
allowed he'd move on. You people amt
got no battin' slump says he. LAS batters
you're birds. I'm goin' somewhere where true
artistic baseball endeavor can be appreciated"
Now what was the use of our getting
million and no enjoyment out of that
game, when we didn't need EN-? But that's
always the way with these brainy people.