davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
PHYSICIAN MAN OF HUMOR

Old Dr. Chase of Andover, VT, was
OF sterling character, but somewhat
eccentric. He sometimes had business
with Mr.. Field of Springfield which
took them to distance.
Once after long drive they arrived
at the Doctors home too late for the
regular dinner, but. a lunch for the
two was placed upon the table. Mr.
Field, of course, expected to be asked
to share it, but the doctor, without
word, drew up and fell to eating, soon
remarking, however: when folks see
food on the table and don't know
enough to sit up and eat, l say let
them go hungry"
Some time afterward the two men
were again at the Doctors under SINH
lar circumstances. This time the doc
tor was detained outside some time
after the meal was ready. Mr.. Field,
not wishing to be caught again, drew
up to the table, and was we'll on with
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
Il AcTUAL Cash. ON EARTH

Let 40 zee how much actual cash
there is in the pocketbooks Of various
nations and understand by comparison
how rich we really are. The total
stock Of money in gold, silver and I'M
covered paper in the whole world
amounts in round figures to $4,000
100000. In the United States the to-
tai stock Of money amounts to about
$2,0O0,00O,000. Hence, we have in our
own purse one-sixth of all the cash of
The globe.
These figures-and this is fact
which must be emphasized-do not
represent the wealth of nations. Far
from it. The figures represent merely
the available hard cash. Divide this
hard cash Of the earth among the
Inhabitants thereof and each man,
woman and child would have SO. But
divide the hard cash of the United
States among the people thereof and
each of us would have $25. And here
Is one respect in which the people of
foreign country would have the bet
ter of us, individually.
Were each nation to divide its cash
among its own people each living hui
man being in France would have s35,
or $40 more than each person in our
country under similar circumstances.
Meanwhile, the divided cash of Great
Britain would give each Briton only
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
WAS WEAK and DIZZY
Dr. Williams Pink Pills Restored the
Patient to Perfect Health
And STRENGTH

Mrs. Mary Gagner, of No. SIC South
Summer street, Holyoke, Mass, has
passed through an experience which
proves that some Of the greatest bless.
.ngs Of life may lie within easy reach
and yet be found only by Nero Clance.
A few years ago while she was employed
i'll the mills she was suddenly seized
with dizziness and great weakness. "I
was so weak at times" she says, "that
l could hardly stand, and my head be.
came SO dizzy that it seemed as if the
hoor was moving around.
"My condition at last became so bad
that was obliged to give up work in the
mill, and later still became so feebly
that l could not even attend to me
household duties. After the slightest
exertion had to lie down and rest until
/ regained strength.
"a friend who had used DR.. Williams
Pink Pills for Pale People urged me to
try them. bought box and began to
take them. The benefit was so positive
and SO quickly evident that I.continued
to use the pills until had taken alto
gether six boxes. By that time I was
entirely cured. and for two years have
mad no return of my trouble. am now
In the best of health and able to attend
to all my duties. lam glad to acknowl-
edge the benefit received and hope
that my statement. may be the means of
inducing others who may suffer in this
way to try this wonderful medicine"
The secret of the power of DIR. Will
iams' Pink Pills in cases of debility,
such as Mrs. Gagner's lies in the fact
that they make new blood, and every or
gan and even every tiny nerve in the
body feels the stir of new tide of
strength.
DR.. Williams Pink Pills are sold by all
druggists or will be sent, postpaid, on
receipt of price, SO cents per box, six
boxes for $3.50, by the Dr.. Williams
Medicine Company, Schenectady, N. Y.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
Humorous "spoonerisms."

Oxford students have lately adopted
the fad of going mountaineering at
midnight on the roofs of the college
buildings. One of these Adventures
was recently caught on the roof of the
house occupied by DR.. Spooner, from
whose funny mistakes in speaking
comes the term "Spoonerism." DR..
spooner is reported to have said
showing leopard when he meant to
have said flowing shepherd" Already,
no doubt, he is credited with rejoicing
that, in the case of the student who
was captured on his house, he had
"rotted him on the spool" DR.. Spooner
once made a disastrous confusion of
the names of two undergraduates, Bell
and Headlam, turning these words into
HELP and "Bedlam." And 1t is said
that he once wasted hours at Green
wich asking for the Dull Man" inn,
when what he really wanted was the
Green Mann at Dulwich.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

$1S; in Germany the cash per capita
would amount to only ST. Russia So
and Japan So, while in Cuba each per-
son would get a 81 bill.
OF the worlds $12,000,000,000 In
cash $2,000,000.OOO are right here in
the United States. And one.twenty-
fifth of all the cash in gold in the
world is stored in New York alone.
This gold. this symbol and synonym
of wealth, comes, like all things else,
from the ground, from mines. Here.
again, we lead all nations for we our
selves produce one.third of all the gold
of the earth, as we produce one-third
of all the silver.
Our chief contributors to this prod.
uct are the mines of Colorado, South
Dakota, California, Idaho, Montana.
Oregon, Arizona, New Mexico and
Alaska. Consider merely Cripple
Greek! AS under a magician's wand,
that region has in fourteen years de-
veloped until it now covers at least
130 square miles with many cities and
towns connected one with another by
rail. Here is an earnest. sober popu.
lation, engaged in the business Of ex-
tracing precious metals from the
mountains to the time, some years, of
$25 100000. So much for the work of
man in securing the raw material for
money.-Leslie Weekly.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
FOUND OUT.

A Trained Nurse Discovered lts
Effect.
No one is In better position to know
the value of food and drink than a
trained nurse.
Speaking Of coffee nurse Of Wilkes.
barre, Pa, writes: II used to drink
strong coffee myself and suffered
greatly from headaches and indiges.
ton. While on visit to my brothers
I had a good chance to try Postum
Food Coffee, for they drank it alto
gether in place Of ordinary coffee. In
two weeks after using Postum, I found
I was much benefited and finally my
headaches disappeared and also the In.
digestion. @.,s
Naturally have since used Postum
among my patients. and have noticed
marked benefit where coffee has been
left of and Postum used.
II observe curious fact about Post.
um used among mothers. It greatly
helps the flow Of milk III cases where
coffee Is inclined to dry It up, and
where tea causes nervousness.
81 find trouble IN getting servants TO
make Postum properly. They most al
ways serve ii before It has been boiled
long enough. It should be boiled is or
10 minutes and served with cream.
when Il q certainly ! delicious bever-
no. s5,is ~
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
WHERE HE NOTICED CHANGE

In the days of Democratic strength
in New Hampshire the Patriot of Con-
cord, under the editorial heads of But
terrified and Hill, and later William
Butterfield, was sustained by the rank
and file of, that political faction to
such degree that it's presence in the
households had been noted from gen.
Grafton to generation, and as it's read
ers in various towns visited Concord
it was regarded as a sacred duty to
call upon Bill" Butterfield. Butter
field was a very tall man, very spare
in build, and of a deathly pale coun-
tenance.
About 1870 the Patriot passed from
the hands of Butterfield into those of
Col. E. G. Bailey. He was the very
opposite in appearance to his prede-
cessor, being of medium stature, very
stout, and Of a decidedly ford coun.
tenance. Il. 49,. T., ~. n STA,
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

never before seen any kind of theat-
rical performance, sat as if SPELL
bound. At the crack of the mothers
revolver, however, the spell was rude.
ly broken.
by heaven, she missed hint" red.
shirted miner in the front row shouted,
drawing his own "six-shooter" and
leaping to his feet. Round to the
back door and head him off fore he
can git boss, boys!" he yelled, and,
following him, half the audience STAN.
peded for the exit.
The excitement was finally allayed
by the mother" and the Villains ap.
pearing hand in hand before the cur
tain, and the managers explanation of
the situation. When the performance
had been concluded. the audience in
sisted on paying another admission
price and having an immediate repeti-
ton from beginning to end.-Success
Magazine.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
Proper Care Of Cattle.

Lice on cattle indicate lack of at
tention and poor feed. GreaseAof any
kind will destroy lice on cattle; but
grease should not be used If it can
I be, avoided. First wash the animal
with kerosene emulsion and follow
with clear water. When the skin is
dry dust every portion Of the body
withAa mixture Of peck Of carbolate
OF lime and q bushel Of clean, dry dirt.
If q single animal Is infested with
lice the others will soon be In the
same condition unless remedies are
used @ preyentives. (, ~
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
Doctor 'BIlgl(aIn|Says.
MANY PHYSICIANS PRESCRIBE
kydxa E. Plnkdbass,Is
Vegetable 00sssp0lEzsd

The wonderful power Of Lydia e.
Pinkham's Vegetable Compound over
the diseases of womankind is not be-
cause it is a stimulant. not because it
is palliative. but simply because it is
the most wonderful tonic and recon-
structor ever discovered to act directly
upon the generative organs, positively
curing disease and restoring health and
vigor.
Marvellous cures are reported from
all parts of the country by women who
have been cured, trained nurses who
have witnessed cures and physicians
who have recognized the virtue of
Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Com
pound, and are fair enough to give
credit where it is due.
1t physicians dared to be frank and
open, hundreds of them would acknowl-
edge that they constantly prescribe
/. Lydia e. Piukhams Vegetable. Com
pound in severe cases of female ills, as
they know by experience it can be re.
lied upon to effect a cure. The follow.
ing letter proves it.
DR.. s. G. Brigham, of 4 Brigham
Park, Fitchburg, Mass, writes:
eft gives me great pleasure to say that I
have found Lydia E. Pinliham's Vegetable
Compound very efficacious, and often pre-
scribe it in my practice for female difficulties.
my Oldest daughter found it very benefi.
cial fora femaletroube some time ago. andmy
youngest daughter is now taking it for a fe.
male weakness, and is surely gaining in health
and strength.
II freely advocate it as a most reliable SIZE
cltic in all diseases to which women are sub
jecJ, and give it honest endorsement"
Women who are troubled with pain
tul or irregular periods, bloating Tor
fiatulency), weakness Of organs, dis
placements, inflammation orulceration,
can be restored to perfect health and
strength by taking Lydia E. Pinl:ham's
Vegetable Compound. If advice is
needed write to Mrs. Pinkham. at
Lynn, Mass. She is daughter-in-l
of Lydia E. Pinkham and for twenty
five years has been advising sick
women free of charge. No other living
person has had the benefit of a
wider experience in treating female
ills. She has guided thousands to
health. Every suffering woman should
ask for and follow her advice if she
wants to be strong and well.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
To Prue Perkins.

TO Prue Perkins.
This phase has. changed an orful lot.
Deer Prue sins you went way,
An, gee. you woodn't know the SPOT
Ell you coined home to-day.
But pshaw. I guess you won't come
home,
'Spose now you're big and strong:
The Sitty must be sootin' you
You're staying thare so long,
Here they hav changed the shady woods
ThrOo witch we ulster tramp
When Skule was owt-reme,nber Prue-
Into q lumber camp.
The old red skule house has bin changed
Into factry now,
An they have changed most evrythine
Sins you've been gone somehow.
My paw he made me change the tree
That by the old barn stood
(Frum which often swung YOU Prue)
Into sum firewOod.
An Natures dried an changed the brook
(Throo witch we ulster wade)
Into dusty, stoney road,
That leeds up throo the glade.
In fact in your old country town,
All things hav changed, deer Prue-
Exsept ltho CESS you don't care)
Exsept-my love for you.
IF. p. Pitzer. in New York Press.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

Upon one occasion, when the writer
was engaged upon the Patriot, one of
the visitors from Rumney called at the
sanctum, explaining his purpose, place
of residence and scores of years the
paper had been in the family. AS he
sat conversing and answering ques-
tons as regards family, crops and mar
kets, Col. Bailey entered, and was in
troduced to the stranger as the editor
of the Patriot" who wrote the numer-
GUS argumentative and virile articles
which warmed the blood of Rumney's
Democracy.
Col. Bailey soon withdrew, having
been closely studied by the visitor,
who was about to leave, when part
ing inquiry, do you find many changes
in Concord since you were last here?"
was met with, 'Yaas, a great many;
but there's the d-dest change in
Bill Butterfield."
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
This Custom Is Now General.

1t has now become a general and also
z safe rule to demand brands of goods
that are well known and have a reputa-
adays the manufacturers of goods in
form consumers of this fact and point
out that safety lies in buying the brands
that bear their names and trademarks.
In this respect the Mayer brands of
shoes are deserving of special mention.
Our readers have no doubt become famil-
lar with these shoes and know of their
excellent wearing qualities by actual use.
The Mayer factory turns out shoes suit
able for every member of the family and
for all uses, Sunday shoes and every day
shoes, and they are known throughout
the broad expanse of our land as the
shoes of style and quality.
The. 'Honorbilt" are very popular fine
shoes for men and Western Lady" shoes
embody the fit and style demanded by
well dressed ladies: For extreme COM
fort Martha Washington" shoes are high
ly recommended. Please bear this in
mind when next buying shoes.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
"I.Knew.Hlm.when" Club.

"l-knew.Him-When Club.
George AIDE was talking with a
friend the other day when the name OF
third man was mentioned.
do you know him." AIDE was ask.
ed.
"Oh, yes" replied the author. "He
belongs to the T-knew-him-when club"
r--IWhat club is that?" the friend ask.
ed.
"oh, those are the fellows back
home who talk about me and say,
Why, knew him when he was work
ing around here and you'd never think
he was going to amount to anything.
It has big membership"
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
AWFUL SUFFERING.
From Dreadful Pains from Wound on
Foot-System All Run Down.
Miraculous Cure hy cuticura.

SySsSul MI HOWU-
Miraculous Cure by cuticura.
Words cannot speak highly enough
for the Cuticura Remedies. l am now
seventy-two years of age. My system
had been all run down. My blood was
so bad that blood poisoning had set
in. had several doctors attending
me, SO finally went to the hospital
where l was laid up for two months.
My foot and ankle We're almost be-
yond recognition. Dark blood flowed
out of wounds in many places and
was SO disheartened that thought
surely my last chance was
slowly leaving me. AS the
foot did not improve, you can
readily imagine how l felt. was
simply disguised and tired of life.
stood this pain, which was dreadful,
for six months, and during this time
was not able to wear shoe and
not able to work. Some one spoke to
me about Cuticura. The consequences
were l bought set of the Cuticura
Remedies of one of my friends who
was druggist, and the praise that
gave after the second application is
beyond description; it seemed a mir
acle for the Cuticura Remedies took
effect Immediately. l washed the foot
with the Cuticura Soap before apply
ing the Ointment and l took the Re-
solvent at the same time. After two
weeks treatment my foot was healed
completely. People who had seen my
foot during my illness and who have
seen it since the cure, can hardly be-
lieve their own eyes. Robert Schoen-
hauer, Newburg, N. Y. August q,
1906"
Cnanace &c r,no,nl1oa H.. e.e,,=..
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
Habits Of Kings.

The sovereigns of Europe have all
their own peculiar habits. For exam
pie, King Edward has a way of pass
ing his finger backward and forward
under his chin; the German emperor
twirls his mustache with energy, while
the king of Italy strokes his gently and
affectionately; the emperor of Austria
combs out his whiskers and the car
frequently passes his hand over the
top of his head.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
A Sure Sign.

a Sure Sign.
Col. Charles w. Larned, professor of
drawing at West Point, stood in the
sunshine under an elm.
1.-The spring is rather backward, sir"
said cadet.
ooh, no." said Col. Larned.
'The daffodils, the crocusses and vi
Diets are very backward, Sir" the ca
Diet insisted, respectfully.
Nevertheless" said Col. Larned,
there is no doubt that spring is really
here at last"
why, sir, do you think SOP" the ca
Diet asked.
Because all the comic artists" said
Col. Larned, "have now begun to put
vegetation in their backgrounds"
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

Doan's Kidney Pills. the kidney weak.
ness was soon corrected, and inside
Q week all the pain was gone. was
also relieved Of all headaches, dizzy
spells. soreness and feelings of Ian.
guor. l strongly recommend Doan,s
Kidney Pills.
Sold by all dealers. 80 cents a box,
Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
Furnishing the Proof.

"You say your mistress is asleep?"
Eyes, ma'am, and can't be disturbed.
Come, now, are you sure she is
asleep?"
"Of course she is. Can't you hear
for yourself? There, now"
And down from the upper region
foated a sound that suggested the
deep nasal hum of an asthmatic from.
bone.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

W
been for Doan's Kid
.ney Pills I would
not be alive. today.
Seven years ago I
was 80 bad with
pain in the back,
and so weak that l
had to keep to my
room, and was in
bed sometimes six
weeks at a spell.
n a 0}n nio -,xr.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
How He Knew.

Wedderly-That milliner of yours
must be bird.
Mrs. Observation-Disclosures! She has
neither wings nor feathers.
Wedderly-Yes, but just look at this
bill of hers.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
A Straight DIAGNOSIS.

DR.. Kandor-Your complaint is
quite serious; it's chronic, in fact.
Mrs. Ayling-There, now! knew
DIR. Kandor-Yes, madam, you are
Just chronic complainer, and there's
nothing else the matter with you.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
An Eccentric PhiIanthrepIst

An Eccentric PhtIanthrcpIst.
James Eads How, the eccentric st.
Louis philanthropist, who refused to
accept an inheritance because he said
he did not have any right to money he
did not earn, is now planning to estab.
fish a sanitarium for inebriates and
victims of the drug and cigarette hob.
its.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
sultan honors Jesuit sehoo,.

A letter from Beirut, Syria. to La
Croix, of Paris, states that the Sultan
has honored the Jesuit College there
by directing a Turkish professor to
attend 1t and perfect his knowledge
of Semitic languages. ~
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
The Young Jacks Joke,

Eyes," said the old mule, exercise
is good thing. always believed in
1t, but not on the towpath."
"Ah," remarked his bright young
grandson, with a self-appreciative hee-
haw, that was where you drew the
line, eh?"
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
Dead Game.

Gunner-They say, despite their
lethargicness, the people of Philadel.
phia are dead game sports.
Guyer-I should say they are dead
game sports. They still lplay ping.
pong.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
An Improvement.

An Improvement.
Chicago is to have a bank that will
run night and day."
Good. Too often it is the Chicago
banker who does the running"
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

The One Bill He Grudges.
Visitor-What is Col. Bourbon
swearing about so furiously this morn
ing?
Louisville Man-Oh, this is the day
when he has to pay his water tax.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
One Recommendation.

vic Recommendations.
st. Vitus was speaking of the cele-
brated dance that had been named in
his honor.
ITO be sure" he said, cit isn't grace
full. You can't call it the poetry of mo-
ton. But it has one good point-it can
be performed without music"
Rejecting, however, that some one
might suggest Songs Without Words
as an appropriate accompaniment for
the dance, he fastened to change the
subject.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

etc psfmanenyy cured No nts or neryousneea sSeep
nrst days use Of Dr. Enes Great Nerve Restof.
e. Send for FREE "a. 90 trial bottle and treatise.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
AZ the Fortune TeIler,s,

sorceress He Will wed you, miss.
but beware Of woman with yellow
hair.
Helen Gracious! ! must be- threat
ened BY yellow peril. ;s 81
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

Garfield Tea, the herb laxative, is
mild, effective. health-giving-a fault
less preparation. 1t cures constipation.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
Harry's ADVANTAGE,

Pearl-Helen married? Why, she
told me that she wouldn't accept the
best man that walks.
Ruby-Well, Harry don't have to
walk. He owns an automobile.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

In Pinch, Use ALIENS FooT.EAsE.
A powder. 1t cures painful, smart.
Ing, nervous feet and ingrowing nails
It's the greatest comfort discovery Of
the age. Makes new shoes easy. A
certain cure for sweating feet. Sold
by all druggists, Csc. Trial package,
FREE. Address A. s. Olmsted. LIE
Roy, N. Y.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

Garfield Tea is Natures remedy for
liver and kidney diseases.
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04
slvEh YEARS OF / SUFFERING

Ended q Lat Through Using poan,s
kldnsy Pills.
Mrs.. Selma Jones Of 200 Main st..
A01onia, Conn. laYa: s.If AZ had MT
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

important to Moshers,
Examine carefully every bottle Of CASTORiA,
a safe and sure remedy for infants and children,
and see that it
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1906-05-04

Success is propelled by energy, not
by wishes.