The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-10-24
TIE PERKINS FAMILY.
Mrs. Perkins Raises the Point Of
Cucumber Pickles.

Mr.. and Ms. Perkins were sitting on
the side veranda of their home after
dinner. when she looked up from the
evening paper she was reading and re-
marked.
Mr.. Perkins, il I am to put UP any
cucumber pickles this year now Is the
time to do it. There won be cucuTn-
Der IN market in a week more.
Mr.. Perkins heard her, but as he
was looking at a COW on the other side
OF the street he made no reply.
Did you hear me. Mr. Perkins" con-
tinued his wife IF we are to have
any cucumber pickles this winter we
1nust put them up now You always
want to eat a cucumber pickle before
beginning your dinner. Will you send
me up a bushel tomorrow and the
vinegar and spices2
II can't say now whether I will or
not he slowly replied I should like
the evening to look up some statistics.
But what have statistics got to do
with cucumber pickles. ~
Nothing. perhaps, and yet they may
. have much. The government, as you
perhaps know, has been conducting
series of experiments under the Pure
Food law. I want to read UP on what
Is said about cucumber pickles. Ac-
cording to various doctors
81 don't care a fig for the doctors,
tartly interrupted Mrs. Perkins we
rave had the cucumber pickle with US
around and it's too late in the day for
the doctors TO ind fault with it. I
suppose some of them have discovered
that it is responsible for about half the
ailments Of humanity, haven't they?'
My dear woman. nothing is ever
gained by impuIsiveness, while every
ching is gained by logic. In the first
place. what is the cucumber It is an
esculent-a sort Of cross between a.
fruit and a vegetable. It is sometimes
referred to as the long green. It grows
wherever you plant it. It is ninety per
cent water, five per cent rind and five
per cent OF collie At the grocery you
can buy three Tor hve cents At the
restaurant or hotel they charge you
thirty cents apiece and extra for the
twinges. The only animal besides man
that will eat a cucumber Is a jackass,
and he eats it because n els laboring
under the delusion that il is a bull
thistle. You ind them mostly on the
tables of the farmers, and at the same
time you find a good share of the farm
ers in the graveyard"
s'Since when did you discover all
this ?" asked Mrs Perkins as he paused
for breath.
Some Of it years ago and some only
lately. I was never a friend of the
cucumber as the cucumber. After he
or she has been picked and placed on
the table at my elbow I have some
times dallied with him or her, but al
ways against my better judgment Let
me give you few pointers that I have
picked Up in the last few years. I hava
not advanced them before because the
subject has not come up for discus
sion.
''The downfall of Rome can be
traced directly to the cucumber. Too
much water. you see.
Greece led the world until the Gu
cumber was introduced. Then she be
gan to decay.
Hannibal died years before his time
from eating too many cucumber
Caesar would have been a different
man and jumped the world a thousand
years ahead but for the long green.
He went looking for cucumbers when
he ought to have been attending to the
king business
Alexander the Great met defeat and
downfall because of cucumber collie.
He had to pause at a critical moment
TO put mustard plasters on him as a
counter irritant.
Napoleon sat on his horse at Water
leo and ate raw cucumber and let the
battle go against him
What took cur own George Wash
1ngton of? What killed Shakespeare
What brought about the death of John
Hancock, Henry Clay and Stephen A.
Doug1ass2 %
Il don't believe word you say" an
20unced Mrs. Perkins as Mr. Perkins
came to stop and bent over to scratch
his ankle
Let US come nearer the present
date he continued without needing her
You must have read or heard that ap-
pendieitis has become almost as preva-
lent SIS measles or chicken-pox? Why
The doctors and the medical Journals
are asking the question, and yet the an
svver Is plain Too many cucunbers and
too many cucumber pickles No other
cause I'm the world It's the seeds and
the rind that we accidentally swallow
every summer a perfect wave of ma
Taria sweeps America from end to end
Why? The doctors talk about east
winds too much dampness and all thai
but-they have only to turn to the GU
oumber He or she lies there on the
ground and soal<s up all sorts of poisons
and the eaters Of them have chills an6