The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-06-03
" The HERALD'S SPORTING PAGE r5 5s s %aH
HOME RUN HAGGERTY M R2

/ 1t seemed to me hadn't more than
got to sleep good when somebody shook
me by the shoulder, an there was a big
guy standin' over US in the boxcar me
an Pinch took after the fake Mathew
son an WaddeH had skinned us.
Are you a tsar?" says he to me.
"Eh?" says I, sleepy an not realizin'
what he meant.
Are you a tsar?-a ruler, an oppres-
sor, king, prince, emperor or poten-
tate2 Speak quick. If you are. you
can't enter the Republic OF Relaxation"
The wOt?" says /.
The Republic of Relaxation" says
he. You're in it now. The train has
just passed into its boundaries. If
you're a tsar or king, or any O them
form rulers, you better beat it. II you
amt, the door of our boundless hospi-
tality shall be opened to you"
II amt no king" says ]. only the
king o heavy hitters, an this guy here
(pOintin' to Pinch) he's the prince O
shortstOps"
Welcome says the guy. Welcome
to the Republic of Relaxation. We got
room for ballplayers, but no room for
usurpers an tyrants, an suItans an
such Come an get refreshed"
We did, an Ieanin' up against the bar
the guy told US what the Republic of
Relaxation was.
IT'S jest what its name says-you
jest come here an relax. You don't
have to work if you don't want to:
they amt no guv'ment to speak Of no
oppressor grindin' you down, no cops
to make you move on. They amt no
taxes, no rent to pay, no electors, no
gas men, an no coal bills. Can you
beat it?"
Got a ball nfne?" says Pinch.
Sure" says our friend. Got a bully
nine. an there's game every day in
the Relaxation League. Hot stuff they
are"
Il dunno" says l. That there word
relaxation has got a kind O. slow, sat-
isfyin', soothin' sound about it. I'm
afraid your games won't take no med
ais at no county fair for quick action"
Nor says our friend. who said his
name was Takitese Todd. That's
where you make one grand, sweet error.
/ That's where you scoop up an easy
grOunder an throw it outside the
grounds over the first baseman's head"
You see'' he went on, "Our people
iE this Republic of RelaxatiO havin'
no kings an princes an tsars to shoot
at an blow up, just delight in ventin'
tEeir feelin's on the empires in our
ball games because their names sound
kinglike an noble. Empire. There's d
great word to faunt before a liberty
! loyin' pOpulace, amt it? So, we soak
him. He gifts his, comm an goin',
pi essed down an dribblin' over the
sides. We think it's a bad week that
We don't kill q dozen. Tarrin' an
featherin' don't seem to2 do no good.
Neither does KILN 'enl. They come
right back an butt into the next game
with their outraG eous decisions.
We tried cornerin' all the nobility
that come over to this side O the water,
an maxim them oficiate at our games.
But the supply is scarce, an they don't
know nUthin' about ball, anyhow. So
we gave that up, after near KILN a
guy who alleged he was a crown
prince or somethin'-'
Takitese Todd then introduced US TO
a lot o players on the Lopdown team
in the Relaxation League an SnOOzer
Skies an Bemmedoze Ldwton- They
seemed like nice feIlers enough, an we
stayed with EN- till they went out on
to the ball diamond to practice before
the game with the Somnolence nine
that afternoon.
They were ordinary players, an we
didn't see why any ordinary empire
couldn't adjUdicate all the plays they'd
make without difficulty. But We didn't
know the crowd.
They began to drift I'm about
O'Clock. every man with gun, some
with two. an a few had razors. All
these were in sight. What they had
/ concealed ] dunno.
Soon the practice was over, an there
came 4 Crauin' o nects. Here he
/ comes" everybody hoIIered. an then
they licked their chops an settled back
with a satisfied look an felt their
weapons TO sect they were ready.
An here come the empire.
He had on a suit o aTmoT like the
I knights you see in the picture books
wear On his head was an immense
helmet with a little slit in front for him
TO look through. an give his decisions
an get rid o tobacker juice. He had
( two big revolvers at his belt an a
I knife, an a repeatin' rife slung over
his shoulder
That seemed enough to make any
crowd lay down an be good, but it
an was dTaggin' little cannon on
carriage. It had a long barrel like I
never seen before, an somebody says
it was a Gatlin' gun.
This crowd had better be good. ="
says I. Them things shoot a hundred
bullets a second
But the crowd didn't scare. They Jest
ct peanuts an hurled in beer an
cussed at his nibs I'm the armor be-
tween glasses.
All the decisions was easy for two
innins. an then he called Lopdowner
-Lemmedoze LawtOn, it was-out al
second. Tt was a raw decision. all
right. but il didn't seem TO me it called
for any crackin' o pistols that fol-