Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1906-07-17
MY FRIEND, THE LIAR
ACraftily Laid Plot for Revenge That COMPOUNDED the
PIotter-Advantages of Hoosier Birth

enough dirt to insure his spending eter-
nifty In the match factory, anyway, and
few more sins wouldn't have raised
the temperature noticeably.
Shortly after | got the money and
had found by contesting the will that I
couldn't get any more Of it, I began to
study out plans for spending it foolish
ly. Much had been done in that line
by other ambitious young men, and
wanted to Guido them. l figured that
the money uncle had left me had never
bought any fun for anybody; it had
never bought anything but hopes that
were subsequently blasted. That money
was entitled to the pleasure that comes
from giving others large time. The
demise of money-mad kinsmen has
ever caused their beneficiaries. to re-
fleet thus, and the money boarded by
miser in one generation Is Invariably
spent most reclSlessly in the next
An idea came to me that made me
fairly Jingle with the effulgent delight
that comes only to the rich. Alas the
idea that only the poor are happy!
Haven't tried it for forty-five years?
l hit upon plan for bringing to con-
fusion the liar friend who had been
the universal schoolmate of the great.
should visit pink shame upon his bald
head.
Accordingly, compiled list Of the
celebrities Of the day, beginning with
the greatest playwriter, the most SEN
sational and spot light.seeking figure
in national politics. the best writer of
popular novels, the greatest cartoonist,
the greatest labor leader, the most
prominent presidential aspirant, the
greatest poet. I listed them carefully
and began at the top. Writing each
man q deity worded letter, engaged
him ut sum so goodly he could scarce
ly refuse to do anything honorable
therefore, to visit the city where I
resided and take brief walk with me,
during which l should guarantee that
no harm or discredit should come to
him. My sincerity and integrity were
vouched for by prominent political
figure, to whom had confded my plan,
and not man Of all the list succeeded
in making his first threatened refusal
stick. Tie dates of their prospective
visits were arranged for succeeding
days. and nothing remained but the
working out of my scheme.
On the day to him appointed came
the great playwright. Meeting him at
the train with carriage, | drove him
swiftly to within half block of the
building where my mendacious friend
toiled day after day. We alighted and
were soon darting up the elevator
shaft. Entering the room where my
friend was at work, pushed the celeb.
rity thead of me and waited for the
bald head above the desk to turn. My
cruel triumph was near.
When the face above the ledger was
finally presented to view there was a
double cry Of JOY, and the celebrity
and my bald-headed compatriot rushed
into each others arms with sobs OF
ecstacy.
"Henry!" sniveled one.
"Abe!" slavered the other.
Then both turned to me with tears
Of gratitude in their eyes and strong
hands fighting for mine. had done
them the greatest kindness Of their
lives, they declared, and neither could
thank me sufficiently. Then they
turned to each other again and began
asking who Bill, and Jim, and Sadie
married, till felt even worse out of 1t
than before. Abe asked his boss for
the rest Of the day off, and got it, and
I excused myself on the pretext of a
previous engagement. The engage
ment was with myself, and my purpose
was to kick myself severely, which
did.
But one failure shouldn't daunt a
man with purpose in view. l had
failed through peculiar coincidence
Every liar tells the truth occasionally
for variety and recreation. l should
accept the thanks of the reunited pair
with what grace might, and depend
on the next day for the coveted re
venge. The sensational senator was tc
arrive on the scene at an early hour