The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1906-08-09
SIMEON FORD has GOT HOME.
marry TIRED FROM TRYING
JOKES on TEE ENGLISH.

" -
Hs.s Back FROM Europe Ahead Of Bryan.
ANYHOW Afraid Hen Have to Use
Nothing but Yelled Humor Because Of
u Comstock Time He Met g. Cleveland.
Simeon Ford got home from England on
,be Caronia yesterday morning and when
IA sav q bunch OF reporters roll up 10 his
him about II he said IL warmed the cookies
Of his heart. Whatever cookies are he
aid, Il guess I've got EN-. Anyhow I'm
warm. What1l you all have2 .
'This enterprise Of the American press
IA simply astonishing. Why l can live here
and run q hotel In New York and do anything
hut make a speech and nobody pays any
attention to 1t. Knight even commit crime
and II wouldn't be worth recording, but
lust let me 20 to Europe for one month,
"a l have been doing every year for twenty
years, and here come the reporters TO get
nv views on the topics Of the day.
Going to Europe is the best press agent
dodge I know. Why look at Bryant He's
over there doing fairly well, but nothing
To what he will do when he gets here. No
politics low. I may want to run for office
mveeli some day, Alderman or Coroner,
and 90 I must be guarded In what / say Of
Bryan. When Bryan gets here I suppose
you'll have to turn out to interview him
tvouldn't be fair to leave him OUTPUT
please note that I got here first
Mr.. Ford denied with some heat that
he went over to England to replenish his
stock of humor for the coming winters
spceches. IN admit that my stock Of
Jokes has run down from time to time pretty
bad, but l don't go to England to get EN-;
no, I haven't fallen that far yet. You see,
always 60 to England for rest, sometimes
10 paay golf, but this time I just loafed
around London. After a wild round OF
Rayety at dinners and society functions,
like every other social leader, / have to have
true rest and l 60 where I a get it-over
TO England,
But I am mighty tired just now said
Mr.. Ford with a a wn. "Oh, the ocean
doesn't tire me. I'm not weary from a
long journey. 1t was that concert on
board ship the night before we got In. You
know what dreadful things they are. The
English are brought up to entertain and
Wery blessed one Of 'em thinks he or she
can either sing or tell q story. They did
it this time. There was a titled man on
board. Sir John Something -or-other, and
Of course he had to preside. Say, that
concert vas a crime! Then they get me
UP to offer a motion FOR q vote Of thanks
for the performers who had done 30 much
in the great and good cause Of succoring
the widows and the ~fatherless Of those
who 60 down to the sea in ships'--here
NJ Eo-I DotraoI Q4n Aroa th AND lat TIA
sobs In his voice dry out-"anyhow, just
FIX that up as you please. I got OF the
same extemporaneous speech I've been
making on these ships for years.
Il told EN- how reciprocal It was; what
Q grand thought It was, what a mighty
link Of friendship It was between the great
mother country and our own; speaking
the same language, having the same insti-
tutions, tho Same love Of Justice and liberty,
the same lterature-you can get the
speeohes Of any Of our Ambassadors to
England for the last decade and I'LL out tina
line Of thouSht-that We Americans should
furnish' The money and We English should
furnish the orphans for these occasions.
Fell fat on the English: the Americans
hovled --
Then I went further In my rash career
and said I had always been touched by
widows and orphans. but that the widows
had touched me 2 good deal ~oftener than
Amsricans howled. And after I got through
Sir John neutrality-suspicious. got up
and said, don't cha know, that he hadn't
been quite able to follow the thread Of my
rsmAks, but, Judging from the applause
they had received, he thought that they
either must have been quite eloquent or
DO~qthlV htlmOr0llQ-
And after we had adjourned to the
smoking room, that rascal Frank Daniels,
the theatrical person who lives near me,
went about asking the E~nglishmen what
they thought Of my speech. He told them
and that I was much overrated as a states
man. One Of them asked for an explana-
ton about that widows joke. / saw Daniels
take him over to a table and sit down with
pencil and paper. He wrote u what. a
undsrsto od'' Then he boHed the s Compass ss
Of philology in going into the derivation
Of the word touch. That took a long time.
Finally. the Englishman said he under
stood the joke. 1t was deuoedly clevah,
don't cha know. he said, but somewhat
and me a serious person3 I suppose those
Egllshmen by this time have begun. to
suspect that l might have been Joking.
Whatll you havep
'lforgot to tell you that we saw an iceberg
Coming over. Thought it would be a bright
idea to say how glad the Americans were
to see a piece OF ice, even at a distance,
after a stay in England. Same result.
Fell fiat on the English; the Americans
howled. Have something with ice In 1t,
wo 7 you?
What's this I hear about Comstookf
Did be really raid the Art Students' League2
Why. that man makes me nervous. Got
no sense of humor. Why, / suppose In my
speeches newt winter / shall be compelled
70 use nothing but yelled humor. Draped
Jokes aren't any good. What'n We .hu-
morists. do II Comstock gets after. usf ]
iiairly dread the prospect. I shall have TO
brace up. Have something with me. won't
But speaking Sc riously of England,
Keeping a hotel there Ia a ctnoh. Why, Just
look at the breakfastsl Only three things!
Tor a shilling you get tea, toast and rolls.
ror one and six you get eggs thrown In.
ror TWO shillings you get some fish or q
chop in addition. What a difference with
9sl Here you have to give 'em mince pie.
ie cream, scrapple and watermelon and
~ the rest; Oh, yes, hotel keeping In Eng
and Is truly q cinch!
And then there's another thing about
The English. They're so impulsivel Why,
you gee it on every hand. just watch EN-
M