Baxter Springs news. [volume] (Baxter Springs, Kan.) 1882-1919, 1906-03-08
Forks OF THE TAR,
GROUND HOO DAY, 1909.

ciety of Saint-Annanias.
MY DEAR BRKTHRKN:-It 10 with
unfeigned reluctance, with the deep.
est feelings of regret and sorrow
that / come down, at your behest
from my exalted position, as the
Great High Priest and Mogui OF
Good Roads," and humiliate my
august parsonage by condescend.
ing to answer your impertinent In
terrogatories, Ia order that I may
be permitted to follow In your foot.
steps with the hope of eventually
reaching the happy hunting
ground. Think of Il, gentlemen
Consider. how these many years. !
have been monarch of all I survey
In the vicinity of the "Forks", and
how my right there have been none
to dispute; but alas, now, when am
growing old; when youth and beau
~ are fading; when my ancient do
minions are melting away. and my
empire. supposed to be lettering,
am called upon by your so.called
honorable committee COMMITTED
composed of renegades, reprobates
pirates-to answer questions which
are VIGOROUSLY irrelevant, immoral
vile and incomprehensible. Thiui
of IL, q committee of latter day
saints: wolves in sheeps' clothing
prowiing the back alleys and darl
fences in search of victims! Nc
wonder such creatures have to be
sent home o'.nights by the curfew
bells or rounded up and led in by
the cops.
Nevertheless, II seems I am uI
against just such evangelical aero
bats, and must answer their phari
saicai interrogatories verbatim In
order that I may be able to clint
the golden stairs and squeeze my
way in through the pearly gates.
Ordinarily, I should defy your
holiness committee and tell you &c
90 10 the Reunion" in q toboggan
but fear If I should do 90, ! NIGH
be left out or turned loose 10 para
chute. Hence, I take OF my crown
lay aside my purple robes, sheath
my sword of authority, and bow ts
the inevitable.
therefore meekly proceed on all
fours to answer your twenty-thre'
impertinent questions seriatim and
by one sweet whoop.
Firstly, boldly plead mot gull
ty" of the crimes and n. isdemeanor'
imputed to me and implied by thu
ominous insinuations in the vii
famous questions propounded BY
20, Ye Hyprocrites"
Yes, I believe every thing, includ
ing the snake that beguiled thu
woman; I believe that Cain killed
Abel, skipped to the land OF Nod
married and built cities; that Noaf
built q boat, aud Moses the Ark
and by 90 doing, saved two and two
of all the animate and things, in
GLIDING some reptiles; that
mighty flood ragged until every
thing was swallowed up and lost
except Noah and his managerie
that Jonah swallowed the whale
that Moses fled from Egypt and
crossed the Red Sea, dry shod; thai
the walls of Jericho were. knocked
out by the footing Of a rams horn
and the women turned over by Je
hovah to the rabble; that the sur
and moon stood still whole day
while Joshua and the other fellow
destroyed an army and tortured five
kinge; that serpents were made Of
sticks and David killed Goliath
All THE, and more, do ] believe;
believe that
You must and you shall,
You will and you won't;
You'll be damned II You do.
And be damned If you don't.
Yes, gentlemen, agree with
Brother Talmage-I believe every
word literally, from lid to lid. from
Genesis to Revelations, including
the fish story. Now laugh, you
idiots-I see very clearly that your
whole committee, except Deacon
Eastman, are q set of ekeptical
heretice.
Replying to Jour questions az to
whether I have ever belonged to oil
was exiied from q religious society
or what know about the trinity OF
whether ever assisted In the lar
ceuy of Q church, handled lite funds
or any other sacred touch-me-nots
and keep.sakes, the property of the
society; or whether Moses built the
Ark, or my belief as to the number
of wives a member should have In
the same township-I beg to cay
that such things cut no figure In
my application for membership
NOR In the standing of the disciples