The Salt Lake tribune. [volume] (Salt Lake City, Utah) 1890-current, 1906-10-17
WISE GUY BUTTS IN
TO HEADQUARTERS
Makes a Comparison Between
the Present and Former
Campaigns.
FINDS BUNCH OF DEAD ONES
AND FUNERAL APPEARANCE
Both Church Parties Have No
Glad Hand to Greet de
Gang.

SHINE through the uquoT anu sHcu IHlh-
bow bues about,
what Is the matter7'' asked the
historian.
q was Jest a-thinkin' of some of the
oldtime campaigns and a-comparin
them with the funeral procession we
got on up at the church Republican
and Democratic headquarters, replied
the Wise Guy, as he turned his glass
up and let the contents trickle slowly
down his throat.
cit gives me an attack of ongwee,
AS Judge King would say" the Wise
Guy went on, "whcn I sashays up to
headquarters and sees the bunch o.
dead ones they got up there,
''I butts into Republican State head
quarters yesterday and what do you
think I sees' There was Briant Young
s-gettin out letters on a typewriter,
tellin' the farmers what kind of re-
ports to send in. and there was Col.
Squires in another room chewin'
Republicans didn t carry but one dis"
trict In the city last year where they
was a-goin to get off this year, if the
Mormon Democrats don't help 'em.
Honest, I was eXpectin' somebody TO
break out singin 4 Would Not Live
Away
"Well, l ducks down 70 Democratic
State headquarters in the Atlas block
and fnds Martineau S man Clark down
on his knees. l thought he was a-pray-
in at first, but | finds he was a-lookin
to see if the Navajo rug was still nailed
down. Jimmy Anderson might drop
in when there WASH I anybody here,
he says, 'an' you know eternal vigi.
lance is the price of Navajo rugs when
he S around, Clark says, with a wink.
'Blest Be the Tithes.''
"That didn t look very good to me
and l passes into the other room, where
Mike Cunningham is a~runnin the
County end of the Smoot Democratic
machine. Mike was a -hummin' EBlest
Be the Tithes That Buy and Dole was
writin' new speech for Ashby Snow.
''Ain t YOU afraid o bein' arrested
for disturbin' the peace / says TO
Mike. but he disdains to answer, not
beln very humorous cuss, no way.
''With that I fades away and goes
across to the church Republican head
quarters. Here | strikes the worst
frost of all. | finds Horace Smith
maxim up speakin' schedule for the
Smootite Republicans and Julian Riley
lookin out the window.
Where S the bunch7' l says to
Horace
Where S the what'' Horace comes
'' The bunch, [ says, 'the boys, the
voters, the fcllers that puts up the
holler an makes the other fellows
think we are a-doin something, wheth-
er we are or not.
Search me, says Horace, 'but
guess they's at work These burned
Americans has got so much goin on
that everybody's workin, includin'
father; it's enough to make patriot
want to qult his job if there WASH t
so much coin in it, be adds with a
SIGH.
collides With smoot.
Not wishin' TO be buried alive anv
longer than [ can help, makes myself
scarce again, and gets out into the sun
shine. AS l hits the sidewalk collidcs
with Smoot and Loose
'' Say, You fellers, says I, 'if YOU
wants to lay'up anything here YOU got
to get busy. What kind Of a bunch
have you got a-runnin' the head
quarters, anyway? Go through 'cm
from the cold storage plant in the D.
mausoleum presided over by .Jodey
Eldredge in the Atlas block, and what
do yon see? You don't see nothing but
gang o. geysers that don t knew they
are alive. and / ain t certain about It
myself. If your tongue was a-hangin'
out foot you couldn It get shot %
booze. an as for smoke-well, the
dream pipe is all them fellers knows
anything about, and they don t know
much about that, accordin to the brand
Of dope they are handin out.
- fWhy don t you hand us out some
thin like we had in the good old days7
The days when Scotty Rankin and
White Wings was a-pullin legs all
day long and playin' no favorites;
when Tommy Thomas was a standin'
roun' lookin' wiser than anybody on
earth could be; when Dave Dunbar an
Fisher Harris an Billy Dale an Sam
King was always on deck a-makin the
majority bigger each time they sharp
ened their pencils; when Joe Cottle
an Harry Joseph an ". P. Appleby
an w. Z. Vigus an Scott Anderson
an Jake Grcenewald was always
a-moseyin' arouu shown that we
couldn I lose if we wanted to?'
Put Crimp in His Wad
Did you ever stop to think that
these things cost money! Reed in
'An' that my duties as editor in.
chief of the Smoot organ pay roll is
a-puttin crimp into my wad?' says
Loose.
What's the matter with the
tithin fund I asks.
Joseph f. Is a-seelng 1t first.
says Reed, an with that they floats
away, without even askin' me to 90
into Jimmy McTernay's an take
shot in the arm
Congressman Joseph Howell is still
speaking in southern Utah, but some
times the man makes his escape before
Mr., Howell can nail him.
The itinerary of Judge O. W. Powers,
church Democratic candidate for Con-
gress, is now being made out.
Ashby Snow, it is said, is practicing
on new speech, but then you can Z
always believe what you hear, cs-
pecially in campaign times.
Judge Powers will open his campaign
at Federation of Labor hall next Friday
evening. Jamos II, Moyle and Ashby
Snow also will speak. There will be