The Lee County journal. (Leesburg, Ga.) 1904-19??, 1906-12-28
II Courage, Weary Diner. : \
Tingley Has Invented a Quietus
for After-Dinner Speakers. Y

The POSTMASTER rose again, studied
lis notes, and told few stories, of
whose hoary antiquity he alone seemed
to be ignorant. He dragged them
from their graves with the glee of a
grinning ghoul. But as even the
effort and inclination to be humorous
are rare at banquets, the audience ac-
claimed him with gratitude. But he
introduced Senator Peavey, whose sub
iect was Peace hath her victories no
less renown'd than war.-Milton"
He spent five minutes saying that he
was no speaker and twenty-five min
utes proving it beyond shadow Of
doubt
He began logically with the first war,
that OF Cain and Abel, and came down
the valleys of history with the deliber-
alton Of glacier, neglecting few de-
tails and freezing everything he touch
ed
People coughed, shuffied their feet,
talked and groaned. One man gave
vent to a cavernous and reverberant
yawn, Everybody laughed. But the
speaker ignored him.
At the end of thirty minutes Senator
Peavey had reached the paintings of
Verestchagin, which he described with
detail that was narrowing without be-
ing interesting.
A man from Texas delighted a group
by declaring, IF he doesn't shut up
III shoot him." but he disappointed
them by inaction, though they prom
ised him verdict of justifiable hon.
icide in self-defence But nobody ever
does the things that everybody wants
to do.
In the balcony a few women sat
yawning behind their fans and wonder
ed what men saw in these affairs. But,
like all things mundane, even Peavey
came to an end
Again long interlude by the in
corrigible POSTMASTER, then he intro
duced Congressman Quinby. Now,
Quinby was chiefly famous for the
occasion when he prevented the House
from voting on a bill by talking against
it for thirty-siX hours, at which time
the exhausted majority promised him
anything il he would quit
He began as if he we're going to do
it again but Mr. Tingley grew des-
perate He rose from his place and
sneaked from the room under pre-
tonce that he was overcome with a
nose-bleed Less courageous diners
ga2ed at him with envy and longed for
a hemorrhage or a paralytic stroke to
rescue them
Once out OF the room, Tingley decid-
ed to walk home. The silence Of the
sky and the beautiful repose of the
elittering stars led the thoughts to
chat heaven where there is no after
dinner speaking. 1t soothed him and
upIifted his soul to a height where he
longed to do something to help his
suffering fellow men and to leave a
name that posterity should call
blessed.
Plainly the crying need OF the TWEEN
tieth century was a means of choking
off long speeches after dinners Warn
irgs, prayers, hints, did no good. Ting
ley had once heard a desperate toast
master introduce a speaker thus:
The hour is exceedingly late. Every
one wants to so home call upon
Mr. Thaddeus Budd, because ] know
he has the good taste to close the oc-
casion with about half a dozen words.
After such preface, Tingley had
seen this man Budd rise and talk for
one hour by the clock. And one hour
OF after-dinner speaking equals cycle
of Cathay
He had seen speakers who had talked
on and on while the banQueters, one
by one, in common despair, folded
their napkins like the Arabs and as
silently stole away.
lie had seen speakers provoke a riot
of protest and talk it down.
He had seen speakers resist the tug.
ging of the POSTMASTER at their coat
tails.
1t was evident that the relief was
/ not to be found in admOnition or pray.
er or in any human Intervention. The
simplest means of ending the evils Of
after dinner speeches would be, o.
course, to give up. the dinners. But
Tingley knew that men liked to gel
together In regalia over the board
1t was a survival of primitive and can.
nihal times.
But in those days" he unused, II
q man talked too long the rest prob.
ably grabbed him, threw him in the