Arizona republican., 1906-08-11
JOHN KENDRlCK BANGS
 FIRST IN THE COURSE
by the Y. P. 5. C. E. of
 Phoenix.


 Already there are many who are look ing forward to the opening of the lee ! ture course arranged by the Y. F. S' c. E. of the Central Presbyterian church for this coming winter. The first number will be gwen at some date !! in November to be announced later, by John Kendrick Bangs, the humorlsl. MT. Bangs writings are always good reading. Recently he contributed the following to one of the eastern papers l to which he is a contributor:
 MORE ABOUT PURE FOOD. May I help you to some hash, MT. Idiot?" asked the landlady, genially, as ] the Idiot took his accustomed place at ] the breakfast table.
 You may, madam said the Idiot | provided you have a certificate or us moral character ready, stating that its i past life has been irreproachable, that | it has been analysed and has been shown to contain no deleterious SUD- stances like iron rust, tenpenny nails, umbrella handles, formaldehyde, or Jimmie Hyde and that at the end of ten days sojourn in quarantine 1t has l developed no symptoms of measles humps. whooping cough, housemaids s | knee. or other contagious diseases ! likely to play hob with the system or l the ordinary vigorous hippopotamus ] that happens to eat it. Otherwise l don't care for any. A hard-boiled, weII-nsulated egg will do for me"
 What's all this about?' demanded i Mir. Pedagog. Isn't our food good | enough for yOu2'
 .'There is nothing personal in my ob- II jections to your wife's hash, sir re- ' piled the Idiot Ut may be the most II Iimpeccably. saintly hash that was ever | constructed but it is not for mine II Since I have read what the 1O-cent II noveIists have had to say about the | methods of the packers. backed up by II the president of the United States, have given up eating meat of any kind.
 For a week I tried a fruit diet; then I chewed toothpicks for a couple Of days: now I am taking lessons from the glass eater at the dime museum.
 expecting in time to be able to sustain
 life by eating bottles goblets with now
 and then a bit of plate-gIass window
 meanwhile a rubber-tire egg is all l ask Didn't I read you my resolution as to my future food?'
 T don't remember it." said the 1 Schoolmaster.
 Well. here it is-you can commit it
 to memory, so that hereafter l shall not again have to explain my position
 said the Idiot.
 And the Idiot read:
 THE BOARDER'S RESOLVE.
 I shall not eat another steak
 Until I know for sure The steer from which twas cut away Was innocent and pure.
 m have to have it's pedigree,
 It's record. plain and straight. ? Before I'll sit to sup with it, 1 My hunger to abate. No chop shall ever enter me 8 Until I'm well assured
 It never suffered from a taint ? Of which it wasn't cured. ! They'll have to polish it with soap 7 At least an hour or so ! And make it shine like sparkling wine As clean as driven snow.
 I shall not eat slice of ham
 No matter how disguised,
 Until it has been certified
 As doubly sterlized.
 Unless the old Virginia hog f From which the mOrsel comes f Is thoroughly well known to me S As my old college chums. ., Canned goods I shall not eat at all-- That is not what's inside;
 It may be I shall eat the can,
 By hunger sorely tried; ; The label I might swallow, too 2 The solder on the seal; ;. But never what the packers pot < Ham. chicken, beef or veal.
 And when it comes to pick-me-ups. if For luncheon or for tea.
 The little knicker-knacks of old No longer do for me. - t.-.olrfa I fapd On e The which myself shall smash; IS Till some one keen comes on the scen' s With antiseptic hash. z Well" sighed the Landlady, 'I'n '" sure I don't know what to do. l ge n the best I can il .'I don't doubt" said the Idiot. 60 " told you there was nothing personal il lo my complaint. But if you don't mind ,o suggestion" " 'Delighted to have it." cried tn
 Landlady, eagerly. - ssXVhv don't YOU send your dinner t