davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
A CHRONIC GRUMBLER.

From Tit-Bts.
Grumpy, at his best, is not a companion
able man, but when unusually disturbed
In his mind, stomach or liver he Is sim
ply social terror. He loses all regard
for the amenities of life, and is an anil
mated frost moving through the warm
currents OF society. One of the men with
whom he can get along the best Is Jolly.
but there are stages of his depression
when Grumpy would do his worst to stir
up a row with a saint Grumpy and Jolly
met the other morning with this result:
How do you do?" inquired Jolly, cheer
fully.
How do l do what?" growled Grumpy.
81 mean how are you. of course"
How am l what? Explain yourself"
"Oh, you've got one of your fits
Grumpy. How do you feel?
IT feel satisfied with nothing l feel
that 90 per cent of the human race are
fools, that marriage is a failure, that our
social organization is huge farce, and
that the man who is willing to live his
life is entitled to an everlasting reward. F"
"See here, old man, your spieen's out of
order. The whole scope and extent of my
curiosity was TO ascertain the state of
your health.
"Oh, only that? What in creation do
YOU take me for? I've had forty doctors,
and all of them put together can't answer
your question. You want to know off,
hand from a layman what these forty
professional healers have failed to tell
me. though | have paid out enough to
make the whole kit of them comfortably
well off. You're old enough to know bet
ter"
Good morning" said Jolly as he moved
away, with as great a show of anger as
he could ever make.
Nothing of the kind shouted Grumpy.
"Deuced beastIy raw, cold, drizzling
morning. a case of pneumonia in every
breath. You don't seem to understand
your language, Jolly When you feel able
to express yourself correctly and intelli-
gently come round"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
A HERESY TRIAL.
, Baltimore Herald.

From the Baltimore Herald
A notable trial for heresy is about
to take place in the Protestant Episco-
pal church. that of the Rev. Algernon
s. Crapsey of Rochester, N Y. DR.. Crap
sey fatty repudiated the element of mir
acle in religion and theology. He holds
to the immutability of natural law. Con-
sequently he disbelieves the dogmas of
the virgin birth of Jesus his divinity,
and also, we suppose, his resurrection
from the dead He holds that the rejec-
ton of these dogmas of the common
Christian faith do not make him less a
Christian; that, on the other hand. he
is more securely established on sure foun-
dations for the preaching of the gospel
of salvation from sin. The occasion Is
a somewhat critical one In church history,
for it would seem to require this church
to define with some strictness the limits
of orthodoxy. and the question is whethed
they will be broadened so as to include
one who holds the opinions of DR.. Crap
sey. We hardly look for such develop
nent. The time may come when 1t will
be orthodox and toierable for pastor TO
so expound the gospel of the Christian
scriptures, but we doubt that 1t has yet
come
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
Prominent Man Here.

John c. Freupd of New York. editor of
two we'll known and successful weekly
ublcations-Musical America and The
Music Trade-is at the Hotel Hillman. He
is accompanied by Mrs. Freund.
This is not Mr.. Freund's first visit to
Birmingham, but since he was last here
in 1885, the city had developed on large
lines.
Mr.. F'reund is distinguished for his
versatility He is not only a music critic
of high rank. but he is a man of letters.
He has been an actor and when he was
here in 1885 he was playing proml-
nent part in a dramatic company. Today
in addition to his work as an editor, he
is recognized as an authority on labor
and social questions. lie is member Of
the National Civic Federation, of which
the late Senator Hanna was president
and of which August Belmont is now
president
II am greatly impressed with the num-
Der and character of Birmingham's mu-
sic houses. 1t Is a good sign. 1t shows
that the people of this section are not
only prosperous, but that they have re-
fined tastes. The inquiry l make when I
enter city is with regard to the music
trade. If it is flourishing. l say, the
people rise above the habit of mere money
getting and their home life is conductive
to refinement and happiness. If on the
other hand l find the dealers in musical
instruments doing an uphill business I
know at once that the community is
sordd.
THE piano industry should flourish in
Birmingham Since it is well established
fact that the delicate mechanism of a
piano is effected by even one degree of
change in atmospheric conditions, it
stands to reason that an instrument is
all the better If it be manufactured in
the section where 1t is 10 have its life.
piano made in the east will not give
satisfaction on the Pacific coast. Hence
1t follows that the piano manufacturing
business must some day get start in
the south. Birmingham is ripe right now
for such an industry"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
Plan OF Canal Unsettled.

The Senate committee on inter
oceanic canals would not sustain Sen
ator Morgan in his. efforts to uncover
the secret of William Nelson Crom-
wells remarkable influence over and
participation in all profit-yielding
schemes at the isthmus. No one
stood by Senator Morgan except Sen
ator Taliaferro, and the two could not
bring out the facts. Whenever the
subject is fairly before the House,
possibly another effort will be made
to unearth the remarkable Mr. Cropas
we'll.
But the chief question at present re-
lates to the plan of the canal, which
is by no means settled. 1t is said the
drift of the Senate at present is to-
wards a sea level canal while the
House is stubbornly in favor of a lock
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
Cement Mills in the South.

In ten years the production of true
Portland cement has risen in this
country from about one million barrels
to thirty-four million barrels, and yet
today we import many million barrels.
The consumption is steadily increas-
ing. and there Is no immediate pros
pect that production at home will over
take it.
Out of eighty-four plants in this
country making true Portland cement
only five are located in the south. The
five are the mills at Fordwick, Va:
Roclmart, Ga; Demopolis, Ala; Fort
Smith. Ark, and Chattanooga, Tenn.
Possibly a million barrels Is made in
the south year, or about per cent
of the national production.
And yet in Alabama the most APP
! nroyed cement rock Is found in close
proximity to coal seams. Fuel Is an
important factor in the making OF &C.
ment. and no mill should be located
where fuel is expensive. The location
of a new plant at Leeds in this coun-
ty illustrates the point, for that plant
will have near at hand both fuel and
cement rock.
It will be strange indeed If Alabama
is not soon we'll supplied with cement
mills. When the Warrior and Ala
bama rivers are opened mills could be
nlaced in this state that would have at
command not only cheap fuel and the
hest of cement rock, but also water
transportation to the sea, and &C.
ment mill cannot reasonably ask for
greater advantages, for when prod
net is at the sea the markets of the
world are open to it. Michigan AMI
Pennsylvania make nearly all the &C.
ment that is made in this country, and
vet neither of these states possesses
the advantages that Alabama presents
today to capitalists. Instead of a mill
at DemoDolis and another at Leeds
and another at Ragland there should
be at least twenty mills in Alabama
each as big as the one at Rockmart,
10
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
Weak Rural Routes.

The non-self-supporting rural routes
are under fire. Parcels are being
counted, and the department will soon
have the districts placed in two
classes-the self-supporting and the
non-self-supporting. The last named
in extreme rural districts may be dis
continued. The threat is held over
them at any rate.
To discontinue a route is to strike
at the farmers in rural district in a
discriminating manner, for there are
thousands of mail routes outside the
rural free delivery system that are
not money makers. There are plenty
of them on both land and sea. The
entire postal service shows a deficit
every year, and it is not fair to de
mand that every rural route shall be
self-sustaining.
Some of the routes now threatened
b. the government have no other
means of communication with the rest
of the world. The steam cars do not
come to them, nor the trolley cars
not even telephone line. The rural
free delivery alone keeps the farm
ers in such a section In touch with
the country at large. To cut off their
postal facilities would be to isolate
them throughout the greater part OF
the year. The government should not
do this.
1t should give them a chance to
grow. 1t should promote and encour
age their growth by maintaining their
sole link with the great world with
out. To do otherwise would be to
remit them to a lack of society OF
knowledge and of commercial
knowledge and of commercial prog
ress. The country would in this way
be harmed, and the postoffice depart
ment should not strike at the little
rural routes while it is conducting
still greater schemes that lead on to
deficiencies. Give the little rural
routes a chance to grow up with the
country.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
A Wild West Necesslty.

1--WE have many amusing experiences In
our travels" said Billie Pickens, manager
of Barney Oldheld, to a group Of friends
at the Hillman yesterday afternoon.
1--WE made a stop at Reno Nevada
continued Mr.. Pickens, where the people
had never seen an automobile. We knew
that In that region of wheelbarrows and
strenuosity II we ever drew a crowd to
an automobile exhibition we would have
to do some fierce advertising.
We'll we put the machine in livery
stable and began to deal out the dope
in car load lots using all the big type,
startling colors and blood curdling stories
we had in stock. The first day Barney
was made to run down and kill man
in the most dramatic manner that circus
vocabulary could invent. A little later
he killed two men and the list kept grow
ing till his victims would have started a
small sized city.
zone day a couple of big miners came
up to the machine and commenced rub
bling the dust off the lodges with their
fingers Finally one of them asked me:
Say. pal where's your notches%
"'What notches?' l enquired.
"'Didn't we say that this thing had
killed a lot of men,?
Yes it has, 1 repeated, backing up
the press agent.
" We'll, I'll tell y'r, said the miner,
IL y'r want to get enough people to hang
horse thief out here to see 1t ye had
better put yer notches on it at once
'I made off without delay" continued
Plckens, land got a file and put so many
notch holes in the bed of the car that
Barney was afraid to drive 1t but l think
that when the time came we entertained
half the people in that part of Nevada
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
Truck Farming.

'There are not as many truck farmers
Ia Jefferson county as there were few
years ago" said e. Lesser.
This fact is probably accounted for
by the advantages that the Birmingham
district offer from a manufacturing and
commercial point of view. Several Ital-
ians of my acquaintance who were sue
cessful truckers have left their little
farms and gone into business in this
city. The most successful truck farmers
in this vicinity now are two negroes.
They are Industrious and understand mod
ern methods of tilling the soil. These
negro men are making money
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
Trees Badly Damaged.

Il have just been over several eoun-
ties In the state. especially those where
peach growing is one of the leading in
dustries, and l believe that the larger
portion of the crop is badly damaged :
said Col e L. Higdon yesterday.
Il believe that large portion of my
crop is ruined. and I would not be sur
prlsed if we lost some more of it In the
present cool weather.
The rains have been very heavy re-
Gently, especially those of about ten days
or two weeks ago The rivers and streams
in all parts of the state were higher than
they have been in twenty years, and there
are hundreds of little bridges which were
swept away by the water which we're
never mentioned in the papers"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
THE PAUPER's DRIVE.

BY Thomas Noel.
There's a grim one-horse hearse in jolly
round trot,-
To the churchyard a pauper is going.
l wot;
The road 1t is rough, and the hearse has
no springs;
And bark to the drge which the mad
driver sings:
Rattle his bones over the stones!
He's only pauper whom nobooy ownsl
o, where are the mourners? Alas! there
are none;
He has left not gap in the world, now
he's gone
Not tear in the eye Of child, woman or
man;
To the grave with his carcass as fast
as you can:
Rattle his bones over the stones.
He's only pauper whom nobody ownsl
When a jolting and creaking and splash
ing and dim
The whip. how it cracks! and the wheels
how they spin.
How tie dirt right and left, DER the
hedges is hurledl
The pauper at length makes a noise in
the world
Rattle his bones over the stones.
He's only pauper whom nobody owns!
Poor pauper defunct. he has made some
approach
To gentility, now that he's stretched in
coach!
He's taking drive in his carriage at
last;
But it will not be long, If he goes on
so fast:
Rattle his bones over the stones.
He's only pauper whom nobody owns!
You pumpkins! who stare at your brother
conveyed,
Behold what respect to cloddy is
paid
And be Joyful to think, when by death
you're laid low.
You've a chance to the grave like a
german to gol
Rattle his bones over the stonesi
He's only pauper whom nobody owns!
But truce to this strain; for my soul it
is sad,
To think that heart in humanity
clad
Should make like the brute. such DESC
late end,
And depart from the light without leav-
ing a frendi
Bear soft his bones over the stones.
Though a pauper. he's one whom his
Maker yet ownsl
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
THE MISSOURI STATE FLOWER.

From the Maryville (Mo) Tribune.
What is the Missouri hen II she isn't
bloomin' ornament to the whole state?
She pays off farm mortgages. She buys
food and drink and clothes for her own
er. She sends the young men and the
young women to school and keeps them
there-longer, sometimes, 1t must be con-
fessed, than is good for Them She blos-s
SONS early and late in fair weather and
in foul, and everywhere she is plucked
with enthusiasm and with loud acclaim.
Missouri not a state flower? Why, this
great commonwealth of ours is one glori-
Gus bouquet of magnificent flowers
Cochins, Leghorns. Plymouth Rocks,
Black Spanish and others as numerous
as pin feathers on a puet OF course
we've got state flower.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
How Birmingham Grows.

Birmingham is like the Georgian's new
ground corn said D. 7. Mcintyre a
prominent citizen of Atlanta at the Hill
man last night" 1t grows SO fast that
you can hear the joints crack.
THE Atlanta 1910 exposition is an as
sured fact" continued Mr. Mcintyre,
land 1t will rank with the greatest ex-
positions ever held. l think it will be fully
as large as the Chicago worlds fair, and
much more interesting for the reason that
the last twelve years have produced many
new and important things that people
want to see and study and there are still
nearly five yet intervening years in which
to increase the list"
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
IN HOTEL LoBBIEs
Unwelcome Visitors.

Il trust that the eolored element Of
our population will not be again fright
ened by the predictions of strangely clad
negro women, who pretend to be in
spired." said a man last night.
THE unusual appearance of strange
negroes who claim to be prophets and
who tell the ignorant people of dreadful
disasters to come. excites the mind of
the unedueated. 1 a mtold that as re-
suit of the visit of two such negroes TO
the city this week, many families ate
cold meals for a day or two.
Il am glad that the visitors have been
told to leave, for their presence can do
the city no good
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31

From the Chicago Inter Ocean.
Chicago kisses, taken as class, are
more valuable than any other kisses ow-
ing In a great measure to the fact that
their after effects are more delightful
While there Is, perhaps, more gush to the
ST. Louis kiss, more impetuosity to the
New York kiss. more elaboration to the
Philadelphia kiss, more when will-you-
call-again- dear-ativeness TO the Boston
kiss-the Chicago kiss is said to be even
sweeter afterward than before Or during.
This is partly the cause and partly the
effect OF the general good feeling which
pervades the community.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
VAN WICK FOLLOWS HIS
CHIEF ACROSS ATLANTIC

ing committee that conspiracy existed
between the ice trust and dock depart
ment to create a monopoly of the supply
of ice to the people of New York. 1t was
shown Asix days after this disclosure was
made that Van Wyck was the owner of
500 shares of stock of the par value of
$500,000 He never made the slightest effort
to prevent the consummatlon of the
gigantic Ramapo fraud which was pre-
vented by the Worlds obtaining an in
junction restraining the cty's officers
from signing the contract.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR.

From the New York Press.
A girl has lot of tact when you kiss
her to pretend you didn't.
People can enjoy doing most anything
unless they make their living by It,
When man talks weather 10 you>> II
is a sign he thinks you are blamed
fool.
II makes a man a lot madden to have
to pay s. gas bill than to lose twenty
at poker.
If a woman rode across on steamer
and came right back again without get
ting off the ship she would talk about
the tune when she lived abroad,
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31

I'm goin' ter hit i'm objected another.
You fellers git outer the way I'm goin'
ter knock is block OFF, cried a third.
While they were trying II decide which
one would have the pleasure Of whipping
me I did some rapid thinking ! saw that
l could escape by using my wits, so l hit
the man nearest me in the mouth. knock
ed him sprawling and swung on to the
rear end of a trolley car that was pass
ing | got away without a scratch. but
the most satisfying part of the perform
anee was that I had the pleasure of
smashing that fellows face without hav-
ing TO pay a fine in police court"
AS new coat of arms for the nation
Anxious Reader" suggests an oil can
with bald-headed man rampant
MISTER BOIL WEEYIL TALKS.
Said Mister Weevil. known as Boil,
see they plan to spend a roll
VI good hard coin to soon make me
Skiddoo, fade out and twenty-three.
Now 1t must be confessed that 1
At present have no wish to die
No more would you. if you were told
To cash your checks by savants bold.
Therefore, I think that l will show
These chaps some tricks they do not
know.
From boil to boil I'll quickly hop
And eat up half the cotton crop"
In West Virginia 1t has been decided
that a stogie is not a bride. Might as
well make it unanimous.
While care will undoubtedly kill a cat,
a brickbat will do 1t sooner
Attorney General Hadley is a big man
in Missouri now. The laurel wreath is
on his brow and the flush of victory is
on his cheek. He said to Standard oil,
"SHOW MET" and he was shown.
Having been struck by bat, Catcher
Rresnahan now knows how 1t feels to be
a baseball.
The calendar says it is spring. Darn
the calendar
ISN'T 1T LOUD?
High above the
Worlds turmoil
Hear them Knocking
STANDARD oil.
The two Barneys are having a hard
time in Birmingham this week. Too
much rain for Barney oldfeld; too much
rain for Barney Gilmore.
The American consul would seem to be
the worst ever Whitewash can't make
him white.
GONE
Willie drank some soothing syrup
Made to lull the rats to sleep.
Now the boy is gone up higher
What's the use for us to weep?
DIR. Cunningham will have to set a hot
pace to overcome the Conner handicap.
PAUL COOK.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
A WINTER BORE.

A WINTER BORE.
On chilly days you often meet
A chap who stops you on the street
And questions with an air discreet
You think it'll freeze tonight"
It's all he ever has to say
So just to pass the time of day
He queries in a pleasant way
you think it'll freeze tonight?"
He really wouldn't care If ice
Should wrap the world in cold device
But he insists on your advice
you think it'll freeze tonight?"
He meets you time and time again
Until his presence gives you pain
But still he harps on this refrain
You think it'll freeze tom ht?"
If he should die and go below
The chances are he'd want to know
While standing in the molten flow
you think it'll freeze tonightg'
Some people aspire to write books, while
others dream of the day when they will
be able to write checks.
An unknown man tried to embrace Max
Inc ElllOtL IN Baltimore. COulNn plane
him much, but the prerogative belongs
to Nat Goodwin.
Judging from the number of widows on
the pension rolls, there were no bach
elors in the Union army.
SOME PEOPLES LUCK.
Some win riches,
Some win fame,
Some can't win
Poker game.
If Andru Carnagy keeps up his present
rate of philanthropy we shall soon have
moving pictures of him giving away
money.
Consumers, bare your necks! We are
going to have a coal strike.
The umpire was talking again. Zone
time l was surrounded by an angry crowd
In Richmond and several big fellows were
shouting. Let me hit i'm, said one. Nav,
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31
ALABAMA PRESS

De Kalb Record: Eaten out of house
and home-the oyster.
Baldwin Times:. New York seems TO
have a feeling for Senator Depew. 1t Is
that tired feeling"
Sumter Sun: It looks like nearly every
leading man in Mobile is supporting Max
Hamburger, Jr., for the state senate.
Mobile Herald: Buffalo clippers were
married in an undertaker's rooms in New
York. That's the place all right. A mans
dead one after the ceremony
Atlanta Mirror: The Michigan woman
who left her estate TO her lawyer prob
ably thought it would be good thing to
save as much trouble as possible.
Andalusia Times: A contemporary de-
clares that 1.-THE revolution in Russia has
Just begun" Guess again. The revolution
Der.
Demopolis Times-Proiting by last
year experience, Lne southern CllieS al o
all being thoroughly cleaned before the
pesky mosquito makes his appearance.
Pine Belt News; Senator's Foraker and
Aldrich thought they hade made great
speeches against the rate bill, but when
Senator Bailey of Texas, got through
with them they looked like thirty cents.
Fort Payne Journal: Strange wild
beasts supposed to be panthers are re-
ported to have been seen on the hills
near Florence. They do say that the
moonshine made in North Alabama hills
will make a man see most any kind of
a varmint.
Franklin Times: A Chicago millionaire
agrees with Uncle Andrew Carnegie that
happiness is not a matter of wealth. That
may be true but the average country
newspaper man is willing to take the
chances In finding happiness IL he can
only get hold of a few hundred.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31

A big coal strike is coming on sim
ply because both sides want one. The
consumer is not consulted, although
he foots in the end all expenses.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31

The Bellamy storer incident shows
that hurry calls of the diplomatic am
bulance are to be expected during the
present administration.
The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-03-31

II. H. Rogers II. with his bride Is
in Mexico. This goes to show that
II. II. III may soon be in our midst.
The Standard family trees will soon
use ND all the numerals.