davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1906-05-20

that he was, that this doctor had saved his life.
How! The answer. given without a smile, that
once when the boy had been SICK he had sent for
the doctor; but the doctor was out and did not
come and so had saved his life.
Usually the old joke which is called forth by a
modern instance is not innocent in its reappear-
ance short time ago l read story of gardener
who at his MISTRESS orders tearing up tennis
court. One of the young people protested. He
replied that he had orders that the ground was to
be used henceforth for agriculture, not for hus-
bandry Now, this joke came out in Punch "
years ago when Croquet at the height of its
popularity 1t applied to croquet which offers
excellent opportunities for courting; but it is
inappropriate to tennis, in which the players on
opposite sides of net. Who is responsible for the
retailoring? OF course, the pun in "husbandry"
may have caught the eye of a modern, and he may
nnocently have made joke too old for him
to have met it in its first infancy. But 1t is more
likely that the joke deliberately flched and
made over
New-York tribune., 1906-05-20
7 h e

IL Jokes are GlNlQeQ INTO
~ TWO classes: old ones YOU
~ have heard, and old ones
Il - YOU have not heard.
There IS no other way
TO classify them. They have no
nationality, no clear pedigree, and
they are not subject TO any laws,
even those relating TO property
rights They are the waits, strays,
and vagabonds Of humor
Last year l saw IN the funny
column OF newspaper a witticism
attributed 10 q humorous writer
who lives IN California. He OBJ
served that there were only seven
Jokes IN the world, and, with his
professional drawl or stutter. or
whatever his accepted stage manner
may be. he scratched his head
wagElshlv and added. Let me
see, OF the seven Jokes, ! forget
who originated the other two
This little joke epitomizes the
entire history Of the small unit OF
humor IN the first place, this jest
itself IS one of the seven. and he
who uttered It spoke a boomerang.
Within three years have seen II
laid Al the already Obstructed doors
New-York tribune., 1906-05-20
Washington as a Joke-M1l

WASHINGTON correspondents OF the daily
w papers who are most careful in their serious
most careless about the trivial anecdotes of
public men which they send home for filters. Woe
unto the public in Washington who gets repu-
tation as humoristl Readers of newspapers want
a new Joke from him every day, and they get it.
Every February read a new batch of apocrVphal
Lincoln stories some of them all to his credit
a man Of good sense and humor. Anybody who has
spent a week at Harvard knows that most of the
stories of Mr.. Roosevelt's undergraduate days are
circunstantially impossible. Both Speaker Cannon
and John Sharp Williams are made sponsors for
stories which they may have repeated, but which
they too honest to pretend to have originated.
Aweeky publication IS responsible for this story:
number of politicians in Washington were discussing
the tendency Of certain well-known political
speaker invariably to allude to his party SUCCESSES
as having been directed by the hand of Provi-
dence" g" 1t IS most extraordinary" said Repre-
sentatil John Sharp Williams; but he really
seems sincere in that conviction AT the time,
gentlemen while l haven't the least objection to
the Senator's having a up his sleeve OCCASION
allv do wish he would not always insist that Provl-
dence put il there!"
Now, this story appears IN the biography OF Lord
Randolph Churchill which published last year.
Lord Randophs joke was about Mr. Gladstone,
and must have been uttered twenty years ago.
Lord Randolph has been dead for eleven years.
1t is probably not Mr.. Williams who confused the
authorship of the joke, but an anecdote-mOnger.
A Western paper cleverly parodied the current
newspaper anecdote: " "DRoLL ONE on THE SENA-
ToR@One of the most screamingy funny stories
of the campaign is told of Senator Bareshanks the
wel-known Ind-a statesman who IS running tor
New-York tribune., 1906-05-20

4 SCIlOuS DOCh dDc u /
Chinese life, / read
not long since the
Joke of a Chinese boy
His master asked HIM
if the physician across
the street was a good
one. The boy replied
New-York tribune., 1906-05-20

I7Ee. q We go on 1112Iln2.
not only at the essential
comedy Of English literature,
but at the short jests of the
most insular OF Englishmen,
from Chaucer TO Thackeray.
No nation lacks humor.
Most Of the merry Jests attrib-
uted TO Wu Ting Fang were
probably coined by enterPris-
ing newspaper men; but there
Is other evidence that the
Chinaman IS full Of humor. In
New-York tribune., 1906-05-20

states. MT. AneC-
dote-forger, do you
suppose there is
any American but
a blind man or an
idiot that would
not recognize The
Odore Roosevelt?
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05
k1un3Gp E)(GQ
ard tf7e
fourth Of July
BY GInIiam r. OQaltere

Copyright, 1909. by c. n. Lurlol
" II Is peculiarly appropriate TO link
the name Of Bunker Hill with
Il the Fourth of July. for 1t was
that battle which neryed the
colonies 10 resistance and made the
Declaration OF Independence possible
1t is true that the famous fight oc-
cured over year before the issuance
of our charter OF liberty and that many
important events interviewed, but the
spirit engendered by that glorious de.
feat. If defeat IL may be called, was
the same spirit embodied i'm the Decla-
ration. Lexington and Bunker Hill,
together with Thomas Paine's bugle
call In Common Sense" had turned
mems minds toward separation. Bunk
er Hill had shown the world that the
Yankees would fight. IL had strength
ened the timld and falterlng, had
brought the colonies closer together
and had made peaceful reconcilia tion
impossible The fighting blood was up
on both sides and the only possible
outcome was subjugation or liberty.
The battle OF Bunker Hill was fought
on June II, 1915. Each anniversary Of
the day is still celebrated In and around
Boston and in other parts of the coun-
try. In Charlestown, which was burn
cd at the time of the fight, June II Is
especially nm occasion Of patriotic mr.
dor. The great monument on the hill
That then was just above. but now Is
within the town is there 20 remind the
citizens Of the significance Of the ami
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05

ver,Gry Moreover, constant stream
OF visitors comes ut AID times OF the
year 90 look Oh the celebrated field.
and especially ON June Il. Grand
Army lodges make II "A gathering place,
other patriotic societies meet at the
monument and tourists from all parts
Of the earth drop of here to witness a
scene that Is cherished by lovers of
freedom In all lands. SO the Charles
town folk could not forget even IL
they wished TO do so, 0nl they have
never evinced such n desire.
Many Of the Bunker Hill celebrations
are historic. one Of these was at the
laying Of the cornerstone of the monu-
ment. when Daniel Webster delivered
his celebrated grafton. Another was at
the time the monument was completed,
when Webster was again the orator A
third was at the centennial celebration
Of the battle, which occurred on June
II, 1875. On more than one occasion
Edward Everett delivered notable ad.
dresses in commcmoration Of the day,
as did also many other famous speak
ers. Most of the presidents have visited
the monument. 0s also have the great
Of foreign lands, among the number
being Lafayette and King Edward
VII. when he was Prince Of Wales
On the occasion Of the princes advent
the novel spectacle was presented Of a
British flag hung out Of one window
of the shaft. while the stars and stripes
waved from the opposite window. Dur
ing the civil war q tall flagstaff was
NaI 80. - -. 90
which an immense American flag was
unfurled In the interior Of the monu-
mcnt are two old cnnnons, named the
Hancock md the Adams. that belched
forth their defiance OF George III. I'm
''the times that tried mems souls"
The Bunker Hi OF today Is not much
as IL was 131 years ago. The name Is
the same and the natural features. but
all else Is changed Now the park In
which the monument stands Is closely
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05

more probable than that they anouIu
have gone 70 Paine 10 get his draft.
Using this 0s n basis, jefferson could
have written the copy presented 20 con.
gress. Some words he would doubtless
change Probably be would frame in.
trOductOry and closing sentences. This
theory would be IN keeping with JEFF.
fersOn's own utteranccs on the subject
II was years after That he made the
hrst reference to the matter. Then ho
only said: "The committee for drawing
the Declaration Of independence do.
sired me to do ~. 10 was accordingly
done, and, being approved by them, I
reported II TO the house on Friday. the
2sth Of June" II was not tilI tust be.
fore his death that lac said, "I wrote
It, In manual sense th0t was doubt.
less true Tho opening and closing son.
tenccs and certain alterations he may
have actunlly originated but as 90 the
main body Of the document ~ can be
said as 10 was said OF Old "Tho hand
Is thc hand Of Esau. but the voice IS
the voice Of jacob" The hand is tho
hand OF Jefferson. but the voice Is tho
voice Of ThOma8 Paine.
The fact that Paine never cfalmed
tie authorship rs In perfect keoplng
with his character ITe was ever O
most sccretlvc man Most Of his works
at fills stage in Hg career were onony.
nous Common sense was published
anonymously, and "Thc Crisis" practi.
cllly So Ills contributions 90 the Penn
syivanla Magazine were signed bv &C.
titiCus names nnd initials Many let.
ters Doe is known 10 have written and
others that are believed 10 be hls no
never Acknowledged 20 tho time Of bis
death ,-,-s-
Moreover 20 have made this claim
iu relation 20 The Declaration OF In
dependence would have embarrassed
his frian1 Jefferson. which. both for
personal and political reasons, be would
have been unwilling 90 40. ef
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05

sklrted about by The city Tho bay ~
yet below, from which the British
ships shellel the lcouUbts and burned
Charlestown, bat II is very peaceful
looking bay Warlikc craft are sull In
evidence now aud then. but they are
Uncle Sans vessels for tie most part
and harbor no design more hostile
than those OF jackies ambitious to
celebrate or to paint the town tho
color OF British soldiers cont Tho
only guns heard now are those Of
salutes; the only soldiers seen are
those who come in reverence; the only
marching done is that In the memorial
parades The nation for which Bunker
Hiil stunds il somewhat more puissaDi
and formidable than were the feeble
colonies OF 1910. and If they were able
10 defend themselves Charlcstown and
her historic height can rest I'm hun
dredfOid greater security now that they
have back OF them the protection of the
great republic.
Celebrations OF Bunker Hlll day are
often quite elaborate. Sometimes they
are made festival occasions and clabo.
rate floats are driven through the
nhANiAns ~ bAAltA AAAAAtn ltIllAu anu fH-
dct companies are called out. the school
children march ana give shrill cheers
for freedom. or the United States gov
ernment sends battlcshps ana great
armored cruisers In order that the
marines may help make the occasion
memorable Grand Army lodges are
nearly always in evidence. Daughtcrs
OF the Revolution lend feminine
charm 20 the scene and everybody
grows Joyful and misty eyed by turns
as some orator tells the old story OF
how Warren fell or the Yankee farm
ers waited until they saw the whites
OF the approaching redconts' eyes
June II Is Il Rreat day. my countrymen,
and II is fitting that we give n thought
TO Bunker Hill as VIC shoot our crack
crs and rockets on each Fourth OF
July.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05

into the greatest carnival Of the year.
Tho navy department has encouraged
this tendency. Whenever an open field
Is available the chief sport de resist
ance Is IA baseball gumc, sometimes bo-
tween rival mines picked from mem.
bers OF the same ship, oftener between
teams representing different ships, and
In some extreme cnses between mines
from separate squadrOns which happen
20 bo near each other.
Then thore are track aud field events.
The wearers Of the blue show how fast
they can sprint Now. Just what good
this does them I'm their development as
lighters ~ not clear, for even II they
had the instinct to fee and could got
over the ground faster than a Duffey
II would do them no good in action.
However, they run and throw weights,
jump and pole vault
II no athletic field Is available, then
tho rivalry must be confined TO aquatic
events. swimming and rowing races.
In the extreme cases where IL Is not
possible to get ashore or the water
conditions preclude rowing or swim
ming. the jackles test their prowess Mt
boxing, wrestling, fencing, dancing and
singing
Then the ships larder is drawn on
for such extra delcacics as transform
the regular meal into banquet, and
Jacky crawls into his hammock with
the comfortable feeling that July 4 Ia
pretty biz day after all and that no
is glad 20 be- able 60 pass II IN Uncle
Sans service Buffalo Express.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05
Too Dcs,ruc,tve

did I ever see General Grant2o ex-
claimed Veteran KilPorc I'm response
10 nm idle query. did / ever-why,
child. at Shiloh I was a.lnyin' In tn
tail grass a-shootln' Jest as fast as l
could load an fire when l heard boss
tracks 0pproachln'. an voice calls
from Ia road
Hey thcrel Amt that you, Kill
ROrer
II knowed Ia voice instant an says,
Yes, Grant It's me- an KEEP right on
Ehootiu'
Come here, he says.
81 riz reluctant, an sa'nterod over 20
th' road. an Grant says Z me.
Kilgorc' lac says. L want 20 Z go
home lcrc KILN too durn many
people ." Chicago News
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05
KING CHRISTIAN KICKED HIM.

Royal nnndmGstsr Forgot 10 Play
"Ihe star spHnEIcd Bnnncr."
short time after the civil war,
writes IA correspondent OF the New
York Times. small feet of our ships
took the then assistant secretary of the
navy, Gustuvus v Fox. TO Europe TO
cultivate international friendship.
While In Copenhagen the late King
Christian invited Mr.. Fox and the prln.
cipal officers of his feet TO dine The
following incident of the visit was re.
lated to me by the late Rear Admiral
Alexander Murray, who was then in
command Of the monitor Augusta:
Prom my seat at dinner looked out
on the pleasant lawn where the band
was stationed. After the principal busl.
ness Of the dinner was over, at the In
vitntiOn OF King Christian the glasses
were filed and. all the table being at
attention, his majesty arose and with
due fOrnality proposed The president
Of the United States Glasses were
raised, but the king paused, glared over
his shoulder and abruptly left the din
Ing hall. The guests. upon invitation
OF an aid. resented Themselves -
In a few minutes / saw the band,
master come burriedly into sight, fol-
lowed by the king, who kicked him
across my field OF view. Shortly after
the king returned to the dining hall,
took his place at the head OF the table,
and, the guests having risen, again
proposed The president OF the United
States As he raised his glass the
band struck up The Star Spangled
Banner With satisfied smile his
ma ieSty pmDtipd his nlnsq
king Christian was democratic and
kind and beloved by his people. but all
things had 10 be done decently and in
order or he'd know the reason why"
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05
The Fourth
In the Navy
Observation-Disclosures,
y HE home coming OF the body OF
John Paul Jones last year was
deferred that there should DO

HWN HE home coming OF the body OF
NJ John Paul Jones last year was
"A deferred that there should DO
no Interference with the Fourth
OF July celebration OF Unclo Sans
jnctics For Admiral Sigsbee and his
ae2t of cruisers Il had been planned to
sail on the Fourth. There was much
that was htting In the plan. Few men
did more 20 make the Fourth OF July
possibility than Paul Jones.
But there are some customs before
which even sentiment must give way.
and the navy's Fourth oc July Is one OF
them.
Independence day belongs TO tho
Jacky His supcrlors recognize that his
life IN I'm some respects hard one. For
this reason Unclo Sam believes that his
sailors should have as many holidays
as possible.
To make Independence day the big
gest of them NIL is TO give the day n
special significance which must carry
It's lesson OF patriotic duty Co those who
sorve the republic on the seas. Hence
rear odmirnls and captains always plan
TO bo I'm port ON July 4. Then, after
dressing ship, firing the national salute
and brief patriotic services, the day IN
glvon to the men 20 enjoy ns thoy SEQ
ft, discipline being almost entirely ro-
lnXed.
Tho sports that attend the sailors
Fourth of July are OF varied charac-
ter. Our naval service has become af-
fccted 10y tho great outdoor movement
that has converted independence day
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05
TILL DEC 4AR on
VAS IT kRHTENBYIh0M4YK PINE? BYHlL20v MLELlMS
BIZ KiL7Qv MlLELAMS
cooNei0Hr Ico5. oY c.NLDRis

jectins the word other" and misQuot-
ing "NuNuiarics" FOR "mertcnaricag" 2"
The very injection of "other" IS Sig
nl0cont for Jefferson. having been
born I'm Virginia would pnSurnlly look
on the Scotch us foreign nnd would
therefore say Scotch and other for
cign," etc. but tho author OF that pas.
sage I'm the original Declaration evident.
ly had another viewpoint. for he said
Scotch and foreign merccuarics." in.
dlcating that ho did not think OF tho
Scotch as Foreigners Now. Paine was
an Englshman. and whatever his
prejudice against the Scotch might
have been. II prejudice somewhat com.
mon among Engllshmen of that day.
he would not regard thcm as foreign.
ers, Scotland ana England being united
I'm Il common government.
Another passage I'm the original Dec.
lnration of independence ccnsured
King George for Introducing the slave
trade into tho colonies. asserting that
this traffic. which had been tho re-.
proach of "inhdcr' countries, was thus
condoncd 10y n Christian king" This
passage was likewise cXpurgated by
congress. as IL gave ofrense TO some OF
the southern members. Now, while
Jefferson I'm later life deplored the ex.
istcnce of slavery. IL is hardly possible
that at this time he would have inject.
ed such language into II state paper
Nor IL II likely that he would havo
made the yelled thrust Ot Christianity
contained in tho sarcastic reference 20
"a Christian king" That was not JEFF
ferson's style But II was Paine's style.
Also the sentiments are his. Already
I'm the Pennsylvania Magazine lac had
written against slavery Jefferson. not
withstanding his advanced notions.
was not without policy. and there ls
no policy In this paragraph But Paine
spoke his mind regardless OF policy.
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05
A..,s,1 H--.~-S

Paine and Jefferson continued unbrO
ken 60 the end Jefferson sending a
warshlp TO bring Paine 10 this country.
Another fact that may have some bear
ing on the matter IL that Jefferson
never claimed 20 be the author OF the
document until near the end OF his
lifc which was years after Paino's
death and even then I'm slightly am
blguOus terms, which are capable Of
nm Interpretation that Will be brought
out later
The evidence on which tho claim OF
Palne's authorship rests Is internal,
however. and must be found I'm the
document itself Several pamphlets
and books have been written on the
subject in the last thirty years. Prom
inent among those who have supported
the Paine theory may be- mentioned
william Henry Burr aud Van Buren,
DcnslOw. students and authors OF rec
Ognlzcd ability
In tho first draft Of the Declaration
occurred the words. scotch md for
cign mcrccuarIcs" This offended some
members OF the Continental congress
Of Scotch extraction. aud they objected
30 t}IoHklg lHHl Nlf W'thH HTolch
and woro stricken cut Now, Jeffer.
son not only had no autipathy against
the Scotch. but was rather prcjudlccd
in their favor. having had two Scotch
tutors. 80 that he could scarcely have
written u clouso so rencciing ON them,
but Paine was known Co dislike the
Scotch having expressed thnt dislike
in his writings and private CONVERSE.
ti0na Nor 4 This The only or even the
most conclusive evidence connected
with Iris p1s.rgr Jefferson in later
years ln writing of 70 showed that he
was not sufficiently familiar with this
first draft of 'Ue Declaration 10 quote 70
correctly f1r he gave o.. Scotch and
other foreign uux.lia ics." Is it proba-
ble n hc bad been fbc author Of Il that
ho would have modc lhc mistake Of IN
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05
Itoep tho FIup PIyinei

Tho lato Senator Hanna OF Ohio In
q speech ON ara appropriation bill said:
II favor the erection Of public build
ings 200 every county and. II possible.
in every town in the land. 1 favor
such legislation because. although cost
ly 10 Keeps the flag floating before tho
people and 20 pays ultimately In tho
lessons OF patriotism which our young
people learn as they grow up. Know
Ing the fag is 20 love 80. and &c should
De kept before the people New York
Tribune
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05

reference Co mature nnd natures God"
is IN perrcct keeping With Paluo's we'll
known dv,st.cm notions Nud startllngly
calls 90 mind hls eloquent opostrophc
90 The revelation OF God found in ma.
turc. There are three references TO tho
Creator IN the Declaration, and they
are all very like Paine. who through
out his political works IN constantly
making similar utterunces. jefferson,
while n delst also. hardly ever makes
Il mention OF God I'm his political writ
iugs.
Most OF the above considerations arc
urged 10y Dcnslow and Burr but there
Is ono little piece OF evidence that soem.
mgly has escaped these authors which
10 the writer seems the most conclusive
OF all. IL IA the use of the word hath"
which occurs I'm the preamble OF the
document Scholarly Jefferson I'm all
his writings ls never known 60 have
employed this archaic verb ending.
while Thomas Paine used Il frequent.
ly and I'm just such connection as Il
ls found I'm here. That may seem IA
small thing. but 10 ls Just such Glow
~ n detective selects TO work out a
case IL is Ike the bono OF prehis-
tOric monster from which the scientist
constructs the entire skeleton
The most probable theory of the writ.
ing of this most famous of political
manlfestocs f. Ms follows; After tho
publication OF common Sense" which
had fred the colonies for separation.
Paine urged the stop IN season and out
OF season. What moro natural than
that he should have framed paper
that could bo adopted 10y congress as
its reasons for independence After
writing such paper lac would naturally
read Il TO some OF his cronios Two OF
his most familiar friends wero Je1or.
son nnd Franklin. When these two
were appointed on the committee, what
West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1906-07-05

TO PERUsE UNDIsTURBED IN MY DEN"
The popping they make is incompetent quite
To keep pace with my PATRIOTS real.
And frankly confess that they never Give vent
To the Joy that inwArdIy feel.
So allow me-" said he. 'on the Fourth Of July
To peruse, undisturbsd in my den.
That document ia nous which yeArS ado CO me
From the stUdioVs JefGsrGon's pen
Do this and al eve / will g,Odly appear,
The fireworks costly 60 see.
For the rockets red glare and the bombs in the
air
viii remind ne Of Francis Scott hey"
New York Sun.