davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14
Brother Gardner
And BIG Words
He Speaks Against Them and Rake,
His Comrades Over the
Goals.

Copyright. 1906. by Mcclure. Phillips & Col
vi" q ~frens," said Brother Gardner
IA/ of the Limekiln club as he
rose in his place the other
evening. II want to say a few
words to you on a subject dat has been
hefo' us two or three times befo'.
am referrin' to de use Of big words by
members of dis club.
You all know my opinyun on de
matter. and yet 1t seems dat dar am
some among You who don't mean to
heed it. l have allus held and allus
shall dat when a pusson can make
hisself plainly understood by his Teller
mel he shouldn't go gropin' around in
de dark in search Of anything more.
When a man understands you to say
dat you will black a stove for % cents
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14
DR.. Holiness Presentation.

S0N01Ve1Oo
More than sixty years ago, when I
was a child. a younger sister and my
self had al attack Of scarlet fever,
says a correspondent Of the Boston
Herald. We were living on Montgom-
cry place. now Hamilton place. DR..
Holmes lived a few doors from us. and,
being a friend Of my mothers family.
he was the attending physician.
I had been very sick and. being con-
valescent. was naturally extremely
hungry. So I leased my mother for
beefsteak. She did not dare to give
me any. but told me to ask DR.. Holmes
when he came If l could have some.
So the next time he came I said:
Doctor. l nm SC hungry. Can't I
have a piece Of beefsteak?"
The doctor gave me one of his queer
looks and said. Il think you had better
have a piece Of my coat tail fried"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14
Like Mother Used to Make.

Like Mother Used to Make.
The publication in various newspa-
pers lately Of the fact that Speaker
Cannon had donned a homespun suit
resulted the other day in the appear
ance In the speakers room Of Repre-
sentative Aiken of South Carolina. He
had a package in his hand.
mr. Speaker" said he, "a constitu-
ent Of mine down in Abbeville has
read about your homespun suit, and he
has sent me a pair Of homemade gal
luses to go with them. I am requested
to present them to you."
The speaker opened the package.
They were ''galluses' all right. The
e6ete eastern word "suspenders' was
totally out Of place. They were made
OF white yarn and were the oldest
looking pair Of braces seen here since
Andrew Jackson's day.
"Are you going to wear themY' ask.
ed Aiken after the speaker had ex-
pressed his thanks.
"Wear 'em?" echoed the speaker.
"Well, I should say so. and it won't be
anything new. either! They're just the
kind l wore when I a a boy."-New
York Times.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14
NEW O STORIES


"Once upon a time." began Repre-
sentative Hogg Of Colorado. "a town
out my way wished to give a dinner to
a Judge there. When the Judge came to
scan the list Of those invited he raised
vigorous protest against one name, that
Of a man who formerly had been the
most brilliant lawyer in town, but who
was now the town drunkard. They
finally overcame his opposition, but the
town drunkard had heard Of It.
HE was the last speaker called up
IN. He arose and said: MI. Toastmas.
ter, fifteen years ago l had a practice
In this town that amounted to $4,000 a
year. I had a wife and family, whom I
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

supported in comfort. I had my own
horse and carriage. At that time the
guest Of the evening was on his way
west in an immigrant wagon. He landed
in this town and started in to make his
living. Since then, Mr.. POSTMASTER
he cried, with a pathetic break in his
voice-'since that time l have been 60
ing steadily down, down, down, and
U guest has been going up, up, up,
until now we are just about on a
level New York Times,
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

or whitewash a kitchen ceilin' for IS
l don't see whar any big words am
gwine to help de case any.
In the Grocery store.
"a few nights ago l was In a grocery
nigh my house to git a pound O. sugar.
asked for n pound, and de grocer
understood. l didn't use no big words
In askin' for a pound, and he didn't
use any in sayin' it would be Z cents
and no trust. l had got de sugar when
Kurnel Kabi6 come in. He had his hat
on his ear and was steppin' high and
didn't dun notice me. He wanted two
pounds O. oatmeal, and he walks up to
de counter and says:
"'Mistah White, de transcendent
qualifications Of your pre-eminent and
disqualified oatmeal has tempted me
to become a purchaser agin.'
HE got his meal and walked out
wild a feelin' dat he had crushed dat
grocer as fiat as a pancake, but dat
am whar he was mistook. When Brud-
der Kabih had zone de grocer turned
to me and said:
IF dat am II of de fool niggers Of
your club you'd better learn him to
talk English
II was in Il coal office q few days
ago." continued the old man, land Brud-
der Samuel Shin dropped in to order a
quarter Of a ton. 1t wasn't sufficient
for him to say how much he wanted
and hand ober his money, but he had
to swell out his chest and clear his
throat and roll up his eyes and obsarve
dat owing to de mathematical disquisi-
ton of de embargo he found hisself
PROFESSIONALLY impelled to purchase
less dan his usual quantity of carnivo-
rous combustion. De look of self CON-
placency on his face as he walked out
would put a June mawnin' outer biz
ness purity quick. I notice dat Brud-
der Shin am wild us yere tonight, and I
want to az him what he meant by his
langwidge."
When Twas Transacted.
II meant dat I hadn't only money
'nuff to pay for a quarter Of a ton Of
coal. sah,' replied Samuel as he stood
up.
But why didn't you say so in plain
English?"
ell dunno, sab. Reckon 1t was be.
kase l had been readin' Shakespeare"
"Mebbe it was. You keep right on
readin' Shakespeare and talkin' big
words and you'll git dar bimeby. You
kin sot down.
Zone day Il week ago l was In q
lumber yard to git de old woman a
new ironin' board. De lumber man
and me was talkin' about de beef trust
and how much bigger 1t was dan de
United States when along comes Brud-
| der Flapjack White. He seed we was
talkin', but he was so swelled up dat
he butted in wild:
"'Mistah Brown, 1t appears to be de
consensus Of dc amplification dat de
rotundity of de times demands a re-
j~unination OF de economic conditions
"IIavin' got off dat speech, he bought
six pieces OF lath for a nickel anG
walked off. He bore hisself like a man
who had jest won Il great victory, but
when he was out o hearin' de lumOe.
man turned to me and asked If dat
was one Of de lunatics Of de Limekiln
club. He also said dat if he had been
alone he would have given Brudder
Flapjack de boot. Stand up, brudder,
and tell me de meanin' Of consensus?"
Brother Fl.pimck In Doubt.
II dunno. sah.'' was the reply.
what am rotundity:"
Cant dun say"
WAL. what am rejuuinationY"
Reckon it has sunthin' to do wild a
lumber yard
"Oh. YOU do. Waal. l take pleasure IN
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

THE WINSTON CHURCHILL.
The name Churchill is not an uncom.
mon name, but ''Winston'' is. and it is
a singular coincidence that two men
bearing these anne and not kinsmer
should be prominent in literature. The
coincidence is further emphasized by
the fact that both are nOvelists and pol
trained in the arts Of war, II bein:
educated for the army, the other TIN
navy. The Winston Churchill who ha,
Just written a biography Of his father
is an Englishman. the thru sou OF ths
late Lord Randolph Churchill, and h
full name is Winston Lionel Spen"y
Churchill. The author Of "Richard Ca
vel' is an American. The EngliShn
is Il member Of parliament. was h
in 1874, has served in four wars n
correspondent for London p2pr"s
u marvellous escape from a Roer
in the South African war. inn
500 900. 900 from an uncle and
winning fame us IN orator in u"
Of commons. His mother. VIII
the death of Lord Randolph {
married George CORVALLIS We
daughter Of the late Leonard fc
New York.
The American Winston Chnic
born in 81. Louis III 1871, 81.
from the Naval academy ut An
and for Il time served In the nay.
been an editor and has served J.,
New Hampshire legislature. He
IN artistic home Mt Cornish, n. IL.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

ippine commission by President Me
Kinley and succeeded William II. Taft
as governor general. In a recent letter
Governor Wright described a native
servant who was very stupid.
II told him at luncheon to ill an
empty pepper cruet, and l waited for
h pepper. but 1t was a long time COM
ing.
FINALLY looked him up impaticntly.
He sat bent over the cruet. with the
pepper beside him.
"1How long is it going to take you
to do that joby l asked.
"'Not much longer be answered,
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

the proprietor of
the enterprise in
any way. He stat
cd in the course Of
his testimony that
at one time he had
been criticised in
the columns Of the
paper. while his
brother Perry. who
lent the proprie-
tor money. was
praised.
Mr.. Belmont is Il
brother Of the trac-
uon ma gnate, Au-
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

informin' you dat it has a heap mo- to
do wild a fool. Sot down and rest your
weary limbs. Brudder F1apjack.
Zone evenin' not long since I dropped
into a cobbler shop to git a lift put on
de heel Of my shoe. De cobbler and me
was ta.kin' bout dat western con
gresham who stole a millyon acres Of
government land, when Brudder Give
adam Jones walked in al II he owned
de airth and said:
"'Cobbler, de p~erspicacity Of de re-
lex impels me to eventuate de impos-
sibility of de occasion. Can you do It
or notY'
DE cobbler sot dar wild his mouth
open and his eyes bulgin' out, and
Brudder Jones went IN to make use Of
sich words as 'genufexions,' 'termi-
nate,' 'assimilate,' 'transmogrify' and
'abolninate.' If I hadn't stood up and
told him to delineate his transportive
pathology out Of dat, l don't know
what calamity would have happened.
Brudder Jones, stand up"
Eyes, sah:" .'.r
Brother Jones' In Reproved Also.
what was your errand In dat cob.
bier shop?"
ITO git half soles on my Shoes"
why didn't you tell de cobbler so2'
Il was gwine to, sah."
You wanted to git of de biz words
nrst. see. What am genuhexions? ?"
II don't remember"
what am assimilate?
ITS when you dun feel bad"
"And transmogrify?"
"Can't say"
Il thought you couldn't. You NAV
set down. Brudder Jones, your record
In de Limekiln club am q good one.
Since bein' a member you have killed q
mad dawg, climbed a creased pole,
shot an owl and kicked a football over
a house. Don't get to be an idiot and
smash your record.
If Brudder Beebe am in de hall to-
night I'd like to say a few words to
him.
Brother Beebe was there and stood
up in a ervou way. and after looking
- AAAA - lSW SS[OIltLS lIlC DIeSlOCuI
said:
"Brudder Beebe, l was in a butcher
shop IL eyenin' not long since when
you came in. You wanted a pound of
sliced bacon for breakfast, but you
couldn't dun say so in plain words.
You had to ring in SIGH words as elm
mate, deductive, aspirations, contem-
plative and assiduous, and while tryin'
to foller YOU and wonderin' whether
you was a fool or a villain de butcher
cut his thumb and throwed a mutton
bone ut you and chased you out. What
was your object in usin' dem big
words?"
II wanted dat butcher to see dat l
was up to date"
"And if you was up to date, den
what:"
HE wouldn't cheat me on de bacon"
did you know de meanin' Of one Of
de words?"
"No, sah."
Jest shot 'em right off to scare de
butcherY"
Eyes, sah."
"Waal. pore old man. Get down. I
wish l had some catnip tea for you.
II hain't gwine to say to de men,
bers of dis club dat dey can't use big
words whenever dey wants to, but
what I wish to obsarve IL dis: Dat de
next time one Of 'em am complained
Of for a lunatic or a fool we shan't
have any further q for him. We am
a plain lot Of men. We make use Of q
plain language. We call a later a later
and a pumpkin a pumpkin. II dar am
any among vi who want to eventuate
de restorative or inculcate de impecuni-
osity Of de flumdoodle let 'em 60 ahead
and see whar dey will bring up.
1--WE will now absquatulate de meet
in and prevaricate to our insidious
domicils." NJ. QUAD.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

ct0S ing VII Ills lutIii
at C%happaqua on
account Of being
threatened with tu-
berculosis. l. a st
September he was
thin and elnaciated
and suffered from
q constant hacking
cough. Now he
looks and feels like
a different man md
expects soon to he
active in church
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

ing twenty minutes
fifty out Of the sew
enty men of the bat
terry were killed or
wounded. After the
war he married II
daughter of Admit
raj Raphael Semmes
of the Confederate
navy and became Il
noted lawyer. lie
was appointed Il
"npnhnr ~ <hn Mil
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

Ell mot guilty" by
the jury after ten minutes deliberation,
was a reporter in charge of the educa-
tional department Of a New York after
Don newspaper a few years ago. He
reported the doings of the board of edu-
cation and gathered news of the public
schools. One day he asked the editor
what was the best review in Eng
land.
why do you want to know" asked
the editor.
II have something about Salisbury
I'd like to submit"
The editor gave him the James Of
three or four leading periodicals, men,
tioning one in particular as being the
easiest to break into"
Il want the best" returned HapgoOd.
II don't care what 1t pays or how crit
teal 1t is"
Receiving the information, he sent his
copy over the sea, and in less than ten
days he got by cable not only an &C
ceptance Of his Offering. but an order
for three more articles Of the same sort.
That was the beginning of his literary
career.
The Rev. Dr. Frank NJ. C~lcnlenin
docs not care whether any IN thinks
he is a crank III the subject Of fresh
air or not. lie has found by expert
ence that fresh air is to him the elixir
OF life and knows that he must have it.
night as well as day. To have it Mt
night he sleeps out of dOOrs-that Is. he
sleeps on n cot on n balcony of his
home. DR.. Clendcnin is the rector of
st. Peters Episcopal church. West
chester. \. u. but he has been away
from his parish for six months and
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

ereStS. was elect
ed by about 5000
majority. NJ ayor
Pagan Is thirty.
Y years of age
and In his youth
enjoyed few edu.
catlona %opportuni.
ties. but he i'm,
proved himself By
home study.
He is self made
H.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

work again. He
keeps out Of doors most Of the time.
At night II 1t is stormy he draws an
awning w his cot bed, but otherwise
sleeps under the open sky. His wife
occupies n Don adjoining the balcony.
She IL 4 daughter of Horace Greeley
and often entertains her friends with
"reminiscences of her distinguished ia
ther. In illustrating his kindness Of
heart she once told how he brought
home an umbrella with q wooden dogs
head as n handle. The little daughter
took n great fancy to that dogs head
ind begged for 1t. Mr.. Greeley offered
her IL whole dog instead. but that would
not do. SO ut last he sawed off the head
and went to town with Il handleless
umbrella.
Congressman Sydney Mudd of Mary
land Is said to have told this story
about an old negro who hy some Pc
culiar election twist was elected Il JUS
tice Of the peace in the backwoods OF
Georgia. His first ease happened to be
one In which the defendant asked for
a trial by jury. When the testimony
was all In one of the lawyers whis-
pered to him that 1t was time to charge
the jury.
Looking ut the jury with Il grim.
judicial air, the judge said:
"Gcntlemrn oh de jury, sense dis Is
q very small case III jcs' charge vail
a dollar an Il ha'f apiece"
Luke l.. Wright. who has resigned
the post of governor general Of the
Philippines in order to be the first am
bassador of the United States to Japan,
Ia one of Tennessce's most distinguish
Ell sons. He enlisted In the Confeder-
ate army at the age Of fourteen, served
through the war and was wounded In
one engagement. He was n lieutenant
at fifteen. Two years later no COM
manded Il battery ut the battle of
Chickamauga, where in an action last
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14
Snapshots
At People
In the News
NORMAN HAP

soe ssu : sns:
of Golfers
Weekly, who was
sued for libel by
Justice Joseph NJ.
Deuel. of New York
because of things
he said in his jour-
nal about the
judges connection
with Town Topics
and was pronOunc-
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14
Bull Heifers.

Lennie Merrill, q popular guide at
Belgrade lakes, is responsible for the
following n on us "oity folks"
"Of course we know that you city
folks have lots Of chances to lauah at
us hayseeders, but ice in awhile the
laugh Is on u side. I never was 80
tickled in my life as I was last summer
when I was guiding Mr.. L., from New
York. He is as much as fifty years old
and a mighty smart man, too, every
other way, but he was Just scairt to
death Of cattle.
well, u day when we were fly
fishing for bass he wanted to 60 ashore,
90 I rowed him up, and he went into
the woods. Pretty NOON he come tear
ing down to the boat, a-hollering for
help at the top Of his voice, SO you
would have thought there was a big
she bear after him, and I Jumped up
and asked him what was the trouble.
He said:
"'There's a lot Of cattle coming this
way
II knew it was a parcel Of young
stock, so I says to him:
"'You needn't be scared Of them.
They're nothing but a lot Of heifers.'
"And what do you suppose he up and
said? l thought l should die. He says
to me, and this is the Lords truth:
"'IHow do you know they amt bull
heifers" "-Boston Herald.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14
MRS. JACK
She In the Novelist's Second wife.
1.-THE Il M Ut on.Wace L~ette..w

il: X LonuOl. aU.iluv AMI Socialist.
who is now lectCriny on THE Coming
Crisis" is for Il second time a bride
groom. and hi; new wife Is Il charming
young woman. whose name before her
marriage to the writer and lecturer
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

Mayor Mark NJ. Pagan of Jersey
City. who was a dinner guest of Pres.
ident Roosevelt recently. was an under
month half Il dozen years ago. In 1901
he was nominated by the Republicans
and f%usionists for mayor and. though
opposed by a candidate who represent
ed powerful corporate and political in
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14
The IdiOtiC Joker.

The IdiotiC Joker.
The Observant Naturalization high
In the air the telephone company strings
it's wires!
The ldlotic Joker-Yes. Evidently 1t
wants to keep up the conversation
Judge.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14
A Tender Appeal.

A Tender Appeal.
Pat-a-cake, pat-a.cake,
Bakers a
Bake me a cake
As quick as you can.
For. OF my word.
Afraid we are
To tackle another one
Made by ma.
The last she made was all too doughty;
Inside black instead OF snowy.
Outside pasty instead CT brown;
Il wouldn't rise-but It had to go down!
It a W. us all such indigestion!
Mothers cakes are out Of the question.
So hurry UP. please, and pat Us a cake.
And we will eat the one YOU make.
Mother can't make 'ena. but you can,
SO pat-a-Cake. pat-a-cake,
Bakers man,
Bake me a cake as quick as you can!
Nursery Rhymes" by Cousin Evelina
in Ally Sloper's Half Holiday.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

but You must remember tina, 1t is no
small task to force the pepper through
these little holes He was filling the
crict. you see. without removing the
perforated ill.,"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

one. for he has built up his body as
we'll as his character and his mind. At
one time he was told by his doctor that
he could not live: that he had run him.
self down from overwork and that he
would have to spend a year or more In
h mountains. The young man went
to work In Il gymnasium and slowly
developed the muscular frame which
he now possesses. He still keeps M
his physical exercise.
In his mayOralty campaign in 1901
he would stnrt out early in the morn
Ing and. mapping out Il section of the
city. would canvass it systematically
and talk with MS many mel as he could
meet. lie would enter stores, work
shops and factories and talk with the
He asked no man to vote for
him. but he talked to all on the issues
at stake in the campaign.
Young Quentin Roosevelt had Il chum
staying at the White House with him.
Both youngsters We're put to bed In
Quentin's room.
II know he's entitled to half the bed"
Quentin said complainingly the next
morning. but his half doesn't include
all the soft part. have to sleep on
both sides OF him"
Oliver Hazard Perry Belmont, the
millionaire and society man, was a
witness In the libel suit Of Judge Deuel.
against the editor Of Golfers Weekly.
1t developed In the course of the pro
ceedings that most Of the rich men
whom the proprietor Of Town Topics
had approached on the subject had
readily consented either to buy stock
In his paper or lend him money. MIR.
Belmont did neither, but refused to aid
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

The Candidate-And you might send
sone eggs round to my hotel.
Village Elector-Yes, sir. How many
would you like?
The Cnndidate-I-I think I'll take all
you've got.-Tatler.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

Jacob \. Riis and Senator Henry
Cabot LodE' do not agree on the u,le'-
ton whether their mutual friend. Pres
term Of office. The author and sociOi-
Ogist declared III IL recent address the
belief that Mr.. Roosevelt would be a
candidate for president again under
certain circumstances. while Mr.. Lodge
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

in the senate stated
positively that the
president W O Il
never run again.
Mir. itiiS was not
always Il friend of
sta G S III G H.. He
knows by expert
ence show the other
half lives lie once
related how in 1870
he found himself IN
New York without
friends or work.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

Representative Champ Clark of Mis-
glrtcn tn, other day.
Have amy of you children ever seen
az ELEPHANTS skim" Mr.. Clark asked
the Youngsters
Il Hay1." shouted one little fellow.
"Nliorr:" asked Mr.. Clark. impressed
with the y ,unGstpr'S enrneStneSS.
'On tie t.cpllant." he answered.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

II had no money at ALL" he said,
and had to sleep in the street. l spent
Il night Of my life in II police station.
That night l had picked up near the
North river Il little black aud tan dog
and carried it into the police station.
J. had Il thing of value. and that was
a little gold lo"kct l wore inside my
shirt. 1t had II lock of hair in it. That
night some Of those dodgers stole 1t
from nnc while I was sleeping in there,
ana when l camc out and found it was
stol"n-thc II thing that connected
nae with homc-I made a complaint to
IT," sergeant. who ordered the doorman
to kick the out. DO o come in here
cried he. and sleep and vet tell me
tll4t You had a gold lockct on your
nook" I; G,l suunh ridiculous. | went
outside 0nSly enough to demolish ev-
cry on there"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1906-03-14

or whitewash a kitchen ceilin' for u
I don't see whar any big words ar
gwine to help de case any.