The National tribune., 1906-03-01

SAYING you Det read every WORD on
it?"
A WOuId-Be Humorist.
y man who evidently had heard that
Billy Nye made National reputation
by remarkable letter he wrote in re-
| signing from the Government service
! sent giddy screed to the Postmaster
| General. This fellow-citiZen had ac-
| cepted the Postmastership of a small
office in New York State for his
health" he said. Having thirst that
would make the Sahara Desert look
like the Dismal Swamp, he wrote as
follows:
ITO Henry C. Payne. Postmaster-Gen-
eral of the United States,
politician of the Inner Circle, Mas
| ter Mind of the Thinkerees and citizen
or that glorious town of Milwaukee.
where the golden product of malt and
| hops flows in never-ceasing stream:
You have the honor of being the en-
ployer of man who has the most re-
markable thirst ever seen on Broad
way, pennsylvania avenue, or elsewhere
In this great country. If I betray cos
mopolitanism. pray forgive me, for
was not always thus, the Postmaster of
God-forsaken town in State prop
erly called the Empire. But forget not
the thirst, for 1 can't, and it is because
of this remarkable and wonderful nat
ural phenomena that 1 write to you.
You must know some wealthy brew
er in that city of stems who Is willing
to advertise his wareS-who Is willing
to assuage thirst that has grown to
the proportions of drought. If you
Will exercise your kindness and conde-
scension and tell your brewer friend of
this humble employe of the Post Office
Department, this man with the wonder
full thirst and the lack of gratifying it.
am sure he will spare barrel from
his bountiful store for the good of hu-
manity in general and myself in par
icular. Do not take offense at my
high-fiown expressions. They are oc-
casloned by admiration for you per-
sonally and for the city of your birth
place as well. A merry Christmas and
happy New Year, and the love and
affection of one of the humblest and
most thirsty of your employees"
The gay and festive nature of the let
ter caused a notice to be sent to the
windy scribe telling him to refrain from
facetiousness in the future.
An official in the far Southwest wrote
to the same Postmaster-Gene in
forming him that he had named a son
after him, and exploiting, in mock he
roles, the style of present he expected
on that momentous occasion. Instead
of a present he received well-merited
reprimand.
a Successful Letter.
There are, however, in official as in
private life, various kinds of humor.
Not all are of the insolently familiar
and personal variety. a Colorado Post
master having applied repeatedly for
increased help, in vain, sent in this ir-
resistible appeal: The citizens of this
neglected but necessary region are
painfully aware that the people of our
eastern waterfront are created superior
self-endowed with certain riparian
rights, among which are universal
knowledge, infallible wisdom and inher-
tied supremacy. But they deny that the
Constitution can only be properly ex-
pounded and the mandates of destiny
and duty correctly interpreted by a CO.
terie of Latin experts with acute indi-
gestion, who boast culture that can
respond in church and eat fish with the |
right fork. The Government Is not ex- |
clusively for the benefit of the curled |
darlings of swelldom, educated beyond |
the limits of their intellect. and
condescended to be born. And. there /
fore, when we see that the intellectual
giants of Canal street, New York City, |
get eight mail deliveries a day and |
want 10. whereupon the Postmaster
who has 1900 letter carriers calls for |
200 mOre-why. then, our people of |
Cactus Fork, who have three carriers |
again demanding one more carrier for |
the outskirts, where there is no deliv-
cry. And we must have him. The re-
port is that they got him.
A Postmaster, who is Qike many) |
also an editor, says: 1T is no exag-
geration to say that during the four
years 1 was in office 1 received one or
more letters inquiring about every busi-
ness man and woman in the place, and
a great many asking about people never
heard of in the history of the COM
letter from a fellow in
northern Illinois wanted a sample of
the leading local paper, which I had
no difficulty in determining, by sending
him copy of my own; but in less than
4 week 1 had another from the same
fellow asking the Postmaster as to the
general reputation for truth and veraci-
~ of the editor of that paper. l wrote
nim upon a sort of a combination let
-er mead, having Editor on one corner
and Postmaster on the other, that what
sver the editor of the Kimmundy Ex-
1ress said the Kimmundy Postmaster
would swear to if necessary; but that