The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-03-11
HARTMAN BUMP SCHEME
BROUGHT WOE TO CLERK
New York Press

one OF the first = alight from a train
from the IVES wii5n il arrived in jersey
City one day-rec1 atty was d young man
of athletic build and studious counte-
nance. That IS. what was visible OF the
cCuntenance was studiOus. The rest was
hidden under a layer of bandages- other
passengers on the train had sized him up
rs. survivor of the recent wreck near
Harrisburg.
on the fer: yboat crossing tie. river an
elderly gentleman ventuTed the Sugges-
ton to :Pe young man that it was an
awful Jrc'deut.
.'Ac"idcit.'' exclaimed the bandaged
man. Il We IN no accident 4 n simply
.'Just citing hack from Omaha Been
out thCra two yedTns learning the rall-
o4d business. On. YES. ] was TO be pTeSI-
deTt Of the Union Pacific 3 me DAY At
least. that's what my folks predicted.
Bat the Dump system went into erect
and that settled me. The bump system?
Well that's a new method which the
Union Pacific has introduced to deter
mine the capabilities of clerks.
They hired q DhTeuo'o gical sharp from
Chicago. Fitzgerald. his name is-PrO-
fcszOr J. NJ. Fitzgerald. He was engaged
to feel the bumps on clerks heads and
report as to their ability for certain
lines Of duty. Thev figured that some
man night he foniin- away his time
pCrjrg over figures when he was better
fitted to Tun u locomotive. Or on the
other hand. 4 clerk fn1-ht he handing
out ,sckets through q pig onhole when.
speaking. he should be wee president of
tl-o road. So the bumps we're TO settle ii.
n here were sixty OF rs in the passsT-
~Pr department. and the bumpoloEi< It
rom Chicago was hired to go over or
'.ogdpieces. locate claims to fame. if ally
vf~ted and report accordingly.
There was some connection IN the OF
'ice when the order was posted for US to
-eport at stated hours and get ANAL
luaD-Out from the Chicago professor
talked it over with my Ctum. Digby and
we fixed up n scheme which looked fair
~ well-in theoTy-and proceeded to put
it into practice
IF it's bumps they want said Digby,
lets give them ali that's necessary
Wen raise EN- ourselves.
'It seemed dishonest but Digby began
20 quote presidents and ! yielded He
held cVt as a convincing argume mt the
case 90 the Young man who was Just an
iuch too short Of the regulation height
for civil service position. ard who had
a machine built TO stretch him 10 the
necessary length. Re eonteDded that we
were practically in the same position.
He wanted to he chief accountant Of the
road with nothing to dq hut look wise
and fird fault with The clerks under him.
My ambition WAS TO boss the re- inP
stock and manage all the movements of
trains SO NC rot to work 10 cultivate
BURNS for the Chicago expert
''Diobv had everything prepared when
There was the chart of mans head.
with the huu1ps al laid cut in sections
like a township site. Beside It was a
leather mad and hammer.
70 work Tie consulted the chart for
rafnute and said: Guess we ought 20
tackle the bump Of Ccmbatfveness first.
Yolf need that 10 demonstrate your fit
1ess for controlling ner.' With that he
located what he thOUFht was the proper
Mace on my head. adjusted the pad and
let drive with the hammer
1T hurt some and ] saw Few million
etc Inf 7 hard
while Digbv was looking over the chart
for a new locatiou | prCspected with my
fingers and found a bump as big as a
right I felt like lick ng Digby on the
..He was back at me the next instant.
The bump Of construction next he said
with almost fiendish slee- And before ]
had time to prepare he SLAPPED the pad
on my forehead and handed me another
welt 7 nearly went out and could only
sit there and uant while he made an
other survey Of the head chart.
" Literary bunp needs little Develop
ing he announced cheerfuily- 1t viii
show that YOU are Of 2 Studious nature.
And banzl / got IT again. 1t was several
minutes before I recovered sufficiently to
realize what was going on As the mist
cleared away l saw Digby porting over
the chart. hammer IN one hand. pad in
the other and running hastily over the
list of more desirable bumDs.
% Here's one YOU need badly he said.
1T < administrative aDlUIN. ana YOU nave
only a pimple in its place Now, hold
steady
eft seemed to me that the heavens and
earth had met as Digby launched that
hammer. 7 passed away iHto a dreamy
forgetfuIness ard came TO in time to
hear Digby muttering to himself as he
pored over the chart
g Too bad he said: should have
taken q second look. That was the bump
of philoprogenitivenes Geei If the
Chicago expert strikes that he'll recon-
mend Harry for the position of porter on
a Pullman
IT had endured enough. Whether the
blows on my head had turned my brain.
or whether his unconscious confession
aroused me. ] know not. Enough to say
that the next minute we we're rolling
over on the floor clutching at each
others threats The friendship OF years
was forgotten. I got possession of the
hammer and enlarged his bumps of To-
cality and memory to beyond the normal
size His bump of secretiveness was
fIattened against the table leg, and love
of animals was split in two by contact
with the edge Of the bookcase.
Meanwhile. Disby had been busy with
my chronological output- and language
and perception were beautifully blended
in a purple and yellow setting. lost