The Cairo bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1???-1928, 1906-07-01
He Heard
The Report


Of prepared meats. A woman enters,
evidently an old customer. Without
altering his position the delicatessen
man nurses an abrased forehead.
The woman pleasantly)-Good af-
ternoon, Mr. Imbleheimer. Isn't it
warm to-day? Now, you must help me
out. We are not going to have heavy
dinner this evening, only cold lunch
con, and what to get for it | don't
know, seeing that
Dellcatessen Man (gloomiIy) If it
had been two weeks ago, Mrs. Third
flat, would have suggested a nice
cold cut, maybe a potato salad, some
English preserves, thin, sliced bread,
waters and tea, but
She (delightedly) -Why, that sounds
nice. Why can't have it now?
Haven't you any Of those things in
stock?
Delicatessen Man (mournfully) In
stock, ma'am; I've got nothing but
stock, but
She-Now, you mustn't grow dis
! couraged | know those horrible reve-
lations have affected your trade, but
| you known we do not believe every
thing we read in the newspapers. No.
| ticularly nice we will take it, that is,
of course, if you are sure it isn't af-
| fected. Let me see, the cold cut comes
| first. What would be nice for that?
Delicatessen Man thopefully)-Wel
| there's some nice fresh roast beef
| It's
She (surprised) Imbleheimer,
| that would--um-jus wait, Mr.. I'M
behemer. Have you ever heard Of
lumpy jaw?
Delicatessen Man (who has just I'M
earthed the teef from the ice chest)-
What did you say the gent!emans
name as, Mrs. Thirdhat, Limpy John?
She somewhat cGldly)--I did not say
Limpy John, Mr.. lmbleheimer | said
lumpy jaw. That's something awful
that roast beef suffers from, the report
says.
He (resignedly) right, ma'am,
we will leave out the beef if you want
to and take an extra slice of chicken.
It's
She (more coldly)-Chicken Mr..
Imbleheimer, did you say chicken?
Not if know it, Didn't you read what
the report said about chicken? rW
sure II said something about chicken
how they take the poor, innocent lit
tie chicks and keep them in cold stor-
age for years until they grow large
enough. The brutes, to keep the poor
little things in that cold atmosphere!
And low do we know that it may be
excelsior and bituminous coal The
only chicken that will ever come into
my home will be a live one, bringing
with 1t a Doctors certificate that 1t Is
not suffering from a chronic ailment
And viii attend to the slaughter my
self. Never say chicken to me, Mr..
Imbleheimer.
Del!catessen man (wiping the per-
spiragion from him face)-Excuse me,
ma'am, | guess it's the heat. | didn't
mean to insult you. Well, that leaves
some nice cold lamb and some tongue,
with a strip of ham.
She freezingly)--Mr 1mbleheimer, I
told you that we were not disposed to
be led away by sensational federal re-
ports of anything, but do you know
that you have actually offered me
lamb. ham and tongue! Do you want
me to give my children something that
might give them taste for boracic |
acid and formaldehyde all their lives,
besides subjecting them to trichinosis |
CHAMBERS, and that thing they call the |
bolts? If you have nothing better to |
do than to offer me such things, | will |
go elsewhere.
(She departs and the delicatessen |
mans head drops on the showcase)
Tie is aroused by some one Juggling |
at his hair.)
Delicatessen Man (gruffy) is
it. little girl?
Little Girl dropping a can of potted |
ham on the showcase, cracking the |
nav says to please send |
up ten cents worth of herring instead |
of this ham you sold the other day TO
my little brother. She says my paw
will come around and see you about il !
this evening if he gets ont of court
for beating up those three Eyetalians
in time.
(Tbe exchange is effected and the
respondent position is resumed to be
by tall man, who grabs
the delicatessen mans head and
bumps it vigorously against the scales.
Tall Man (indignantly)-You Will
sell my wife a box of sardines, you |
old murderer, will you? Want to fill
us up on butterine and cloverdales
and those other things! Want to have
us swallerin' gas, pants buttons and
missing workmen, ought TO throw
you into one of those watts that Teller
wrote about. Now, you take back these
sardines, and you give me IL cents
worth o cheese quick, or you'll wish
you was an embalmed beef and that
soon. Get a move on"
Wife-What will we have for dinner
tonight, John?
Delicatessen Man Tin high-pitched
voiceD-I want some roast beef with
the lnmpy jaw, some tongue with
whatever tongue gets, some trichinosis
ham. some pOst-mortem bacon. some |