The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1906-02-18
Whin1s of the IdIer.
The Cusedness Of Inanimate Things.

Those good, persevhrlrg souls who take
tho trouble to read scientific articles now
adays will observe that n great many
learned men at present arc saying they
have reason TO believe that plants are en-
dowed with almost all the senses belong
ing to animals.
In other words, they would have us
believe that nm early York cabbage is
MS keenly intellectual as a Mobjack Say
oyster or a member Of the Virginia Legls-
laturc.
Here, indeed Ia food for thought and
active mental rurnmation. We're time az
Our disposal we might have a great deal
to say on the matter--espeeiall rs to
tho comparative merits of cabbages ana
Legislators.
But the theme is an intricate one and
faded minds can turn with far more
facility to the contemplation of a much
more obvious proposition-the cusserneSs
or inanir1ate things.
Now inauiIIlate things, even at the
Hands of story teors, orators and
rtetoricians. are seldom made to fako
on life or to open their mouths and
sneak ms did Balaatn's loguacious quad
ruped. THE human imagination even whom
transported by ftgurative languago, won't
stand for II.
And vet which of MS IS there who can
hon I'm In meetin and say thnt he has
nj some chair gate, pipe. pen. knife or
other object which, though admittedly
..e]ead an a door NALL has nevertheless
irritated his patience TO the point or
profanity
rt would be trttc to pass even n co)1i-
ynent on the deviltry of collar buttons ana
their .fiendish righteousness when one Is
In a hurry. Non, would an original mortal
fry to he tocose on the su biect OF night
latch KEYS and their weird unwillingness
to fit lockholes on these critical occasions
when a man hlIpgrily desires to get mo
his house with q minimum OF NOISE ana
n minimum of trouble.
Yet a million other instances OF the
n,erverstty of inanniate things might
o., recalled. Jrisonlc cases, too, the GUS
,;ef1ness is SO abviously premcdltated.
i,lysriable or oft-recnring that tho Of
Tending object appears TO be responding
to some fixed law OF nature.
FOR example, the man WHO grows des-
perate for a smoke but has no light
knows the minute lie resurrects one Door.
lonely little match from tho profundity
of his vest pocket, that said match VIII
dc absolutely sure TO go out. Yes. tho
man knows this and hates himself Tor
even hoping the match Will burn.
Put recalling no written law compell-l
INC the lucifer 10 abstain from iizzling. he
ESSAYS to throw the match into biazo
bx, rubbing II !viciorisly on his trousers.
Never ia the result surprising. The match
,Infailng does what 1t was expected 10 90
s. goes out And the man just as uli-
failinely does what he was expected 10
do-swears.
Most mysterious yet nost systematic
of ali things in its obduracy is razor.
when n trousered mortal comes home
tired. tuckered out and bristlng with
stperabundant hirsute growth, his hrst
idea is to get a nice, elsurely. long-drawn-
out shave.
.ef,lr go 1t slow" says OLD Man. Whis-
kerry Vince cum Wheeze. and del soerate-
IS think over the events OF The Day while
chase the heecy lather OFF my br1stly
But. To- the razor decides otherwise.
TWO swats at the strop give " an edge
-, lfeen that the hrsute pendants almost
drop OFF at tho mere sight of the steel.
The man. though anlazd. takes II good
naturally. for nc fatters himself that he
San beat the world Sharpening a razor
chat is he so hatters himself until he
trics shaving another time. On this oc-
rasion however, he Is in a fretting fun
ing hurry. and wants to get through the
whole business in FIVE minutes. Not SO.
ne razoo That whimsical bit of metal
now acts like q, stone-mason'5 chisel ON
inc first trial it works about like a lawn
mower. and brings tears to the cars Of
tile wrecth who would de-whisker him
self.
Onfbeing aoned, etropped, Numnrsed
III hot water and rubbed over the palm
Of the mau's hand 1t does even thou
sand times Norse-yea, 1t eradicatcs the
face foliage by pulling it out by the
roots.
Thus it Gomez to pass that the man
who can write a book on how to sharpen
a razor-and actually convey useful In