The Bennington evening banner. (Bennington, Vt.) 19??-1961, 1906-12-28
I-vD-~.-v,--.~'A,----JtSE
| TEE HUMORIST'S s
( WATERLOO /
By J. A. nffA>r
ls<1frss-~~1r-ss-~~'frss-~s' ~
IcopIrIshl ), p.Ily sI0ry boo ool

tCopyTlGht ~ DAILY ntoi1 ieo vi
A group OF Ave men were sitting at
a table smoking cigars after a little
theater supper
II recall a time. gentlemen" said
the professional humorist, when !
came near registering vow never 10
attempt 20 make another Joke 30 long
as lived. This particular place where
1 met my Waterloo we will call Dole
Vile II was a new city on my list !
had been engaged three months ahead
by the Literary and Historical society.
and had a check In advance.
81 did not know the place at all My
train arrived at Doleyille Just ten min
utes before the time was billed 10
appear on the platform. ] was met nj
the station by young fellow. who
said that tho secretary was sick and
had doputed him TO conduct me TO tho
hall. lie drove me there in a closed
carriage. and pulled up at the rear en-
trance.
AS I walked up towards the front
I saw that the hall was full OF people
about 500 men and women, who
gave mo n fairly cordial reception.
with the customary clapping OF hands.
II made my bow. had been billed
for 'patter' entertainment, and ]
started OF with some preliminary
monologue nonsense. which lasted
probably about ten minutes. Then ]
stopped 10 take breath and 20 give
them a chance TO applaud. But the
only visible signs OF Intelligence
among those 500 men and women
were a few questioning glances that
folks directed TO those sitting near
them-as though they were thorough
ly mystifed and did not know what !
was driving at.
They're worse than ] thought !
said TO myself Perhaps few mo
ther.ln.law jokes might come within
the range OF their intellectual posi-
bllitles:' and I revitallzed some Of
those refined conceIts that used TO be
guile the long evenings OF our ances.
tors in the stone age. But every one
Of those jokes fell Gat
In the hope that there might be
some English people or people OF Eng
fish parentage in the audience, ] next
experimental on them'with a success
sion OF the most atrocious puns that
ever were perpetrated on either side
of the Atlantic.
But those 500 men and women con-
tinued to gaze at me in sad-eyed i'm.
mobility OF countenance.
Il told them stories OF Scotchmen,
Irishmen. Germans and Jews-dialect
stories and simple anecdotes: but In
spite OF an could do they maintained
their stolid imperturbability Of mein.
Il told them OF a man going home
at three o'clock in the morning and
betting a companion that his wife's
first words to him would be, My dear.
Maybe you know how II goes. Man
rings and kicks when he gets 10 the
door OF his house: wife sticks head
out OF upper window and snaps out
Who's there?' Man answers. It's me.
my dear Wife snarls, My dear-my
-devill and man wins bet.
Il thought detected the fafntest
suspicion OF a smile on the features
OF an old gent sitting In the front
fancied had set him thinking OF the
days long ago when he had been
sad dog himself. Well, a drowning
man clutches at straws. you know;
and for the next Is minutes | ad-
dressed myself exclusively to that
hoary old reprobate, telling him all
the funny stories Of drunken men that
| could remember or extemporize But
he had evidently relapsed into the
same comatose condition as the rest
of my audience, and | failed to ava
ken the faintest appearance of inter
est in him or anybody else.
"In sheer desperation resolved
upon novel and idiouc expedient. In
the drawing. sing-song, stammering
style of bucolic schoolboy | began
reciting Twinkle, twinkle, little star
and just as | started | observed a gen.
| tleman come In at the door at the far
end of the room and take seat.
had not recited more than half doz-
! en- lines before the newcomer gave
| tremendous guffaw-to me welcome as
a sail seen by shipwrecked mariner
on a desert island far out of the ocean
highways. | gave the stranger a
grateful look, and for the rest of the
evening | addressed myself to him,
pointedly looking and talking over the
heads of the rest Of my audience.
las / continued my recitation, my
friend at the far end of the hall was
seized with perfect paroxysm Of
mirth. He fairly shook and choked
with laughter. Before | was through
with Twinkle, twinkle, little star he
had fallen from his chair and was
rolling and writhing on the floor in a
perfect frenzy of mirth.
Before proceeding to my next eff
fort waited two or three minutes for
my friend to recover his composure,
and then said:
IF the gentleman at the back of
the hall will kindly give me hts atten.
ton will now tell him the wonderful
story of the three-legged camel, the
blind sheik, the hair-lipped dragoman
and the lost gourd-a story which
Rameses the Third, king of Egypt.
considered sosfunny that he caused it
to be engraved on large stone tablet
| and nlaced over his coffin at the foot