The Bamberg herald. [volume] (Bamberg, S.C.) 1891-1972, 1906-12-27

| ULeS proving IL DeJouu o. eAooo" VI
doubt.
He began logically with the first war,
that Of Cain and Abel, and came down
the valleys of history with the deliber-
alton of a glacier, neglecting few de-
tails and freezing everything he touch
ed.
People coughed, shufied their feet,
talked and groaned. One man gave
vent to a cavernous and reverberant
yawn Everybody laughed. But the
speaker ignored him.
At the end OF thirty minutes Senator
Peavey had reached the paintings OF
Verestchagin, which he described with
detail that was narrowing without be-
ing interesting.
A man from Texas delighted group
by declaring, 'If he doesn't shut up
I'll shoot him." but he disappointed
them by inaction, though they prom
ised him a verdict of justifable hon.
icide in self-defence. But nobody ever
does the things that everybody wants
| to do.
In the balcony a few women sat
yawnincg behind their fans and wonder
ed what men saw in these affairs. But,
like all things mundane, even Peavey
came to an end.
Again a long interlude by the in
| corrigible POSTMASTER, then he intro
duced Congressman Quinby. Now,
Quinby was chiefly famous for the
occasion when he prevented the House
from voting on bill by talking against
it for thirty-six hours, at which time
the exhausted majority promised him
anything if he would quit. N
He began as if he were going to do
it again but Mr.. Tingley grew des-
perate. He rose from his place and
sneaked from the room under pre-
tence that he was overcome with
nose-bleed. Less courageous diners
gazed at him with envy and longed for
hemocrhage or paralytic stroke tc
rescue them.
Once out of the room, Tingley decid-
ed to walk home. The silence Of the
sky and the beautiful repose Of the
differing stars led the thoughts to
that heaven where there is no after
dinner speaking. 1t scothed him and
uplifted his soul to a height where he
longed to do something to help his
suffering fellow men and to leave a
name that posterity should call
blessed.
Plainly the crying need Of the twen-
tieth century was means of choking
off long speeches after dinners. Warn
ir.gs, prayers, hints, did no good. Ting
ley had once heard a desperate toast
master introduce speaker thus:
.".The hour is exceedingly late. Every
one wants to go home. I call upon
Mr.. Thaddeus Budd, because I know
he has the good taste to close the oc-
casion with about half dozen words" !"
After such a preface, Tingley had
seen this man Budd rise and talk for
one hour by the clock. And one hour
of after-dinner speaking equals cycle
Of Cathay.
He had seen speakers who had talked
on and on while the banqueters, one
by one, in common despair, folded
their napkins like the Arabs and as
silently stole away.
He had seen speakers provoke riot
of protest and talk it down.
He had seen speakers resist the tug
ging of the toastmaster at their coat
tails.
It was evident that the relief was
| not to be found in admonition or pray
er or in any human Intervention. The
simplest means Of ending the evils of
after-dinner speeches would be, of
course, to give up the dinners. But
Tingley knew that men liked to get
| together in regalia over the board.
1t was a survival of primitive and can
nibal times.
''But in those days." he mused, IF
man talked too long the rest prob
ably grabbed him, threw him in the
pot and made an entree or a hors-d'-
oeuvre out Of him. All! An Ideal"
Tingely started with Joy. OF course,
it would be Impossible in these e{fete
days to eat a garrulous speaker. But
why not boil him?
| Tingley hurried home and late as
it was, went to his desk, turned on
the light and worked like mad draw
ing plans. His wife found him there
at 1 p. m. He heard gasp and saw
her standing somewhat like the Cod
dess Of Liberty in curl papers, etc.
What in heavens name are you do
ing at this hour?" she gasped.
Saving the great American people
from the greatest danger that now
threatens them-the danger of being
talked to DEATH" said Tingley, with a
strange CLEAN in his eye. "Conversa-
ton has always been the greatest sin
of republics, and DYSPEPSIA admittedly
the greatest blotch on American health
ergo, DYSPEPSIA is caused by conversa-
ton. Remove the cause and nature
will do the rest. I have at last dis
lowered the remedy"