Warren sheaf. [volume] (Warren, Marshall County, Minn.) 1880-current, 1906-01-18
How to Get to be 70 and not
Mind 1t.


night Of December 9Th, at belmont
co.'s in New York. The occasion was
the humorist's SEVENTEEN birthday.
Over ITO authors were present. On
being introduced, Mr.. Clemens spoke
on the sabove-named subject as fol-
lows: T. ...- x
"The SEVENTEEN birthday! It is
the time of life when you arrive at
new and awful dignity; when you
may throw aside the decent reserves
which have oppressed you for gen
GRAFTON and stand unafraid and una
dashed upon your seven-terraced
summit and look down and teach
unrebuked. You can tell the world
how you got there. It is what they
all do. You shall never get tired of
telling by what delicate arts and
deep moralities you climbed to that
great place. You--will explain that
process and dwell on the particulars
with senile rapture. l have been
anxious to explain my own system
this long time and now at last I
have the right.
II have achieved my seventy years
in the usual way-by sticking strict
ly to a scheme Of life which
would kill anybody else. 1t sounds
like an exaggeration, but that is real
ly the common rule. for attaining old
age. We have no permanent habits
Until we are forty. Then they begin
to harden, presently they petrify,
thu business begins. Since forty
have been REGULAR going to bed
and getting upland that is one of
the main things. I have made it a
rule to go to bed when there was not
anybody left to sit up with; and
have made it a rule to get up when
Ishad to. This has resulted in an
unswerving regularity Of Irregular
ity.
In the matter of diet-which is
another main thing-I have been
particularly strict in sticking to the
things which didn't agree with me
until one or the other of us got the
best of it. Until lately | got the
best Of it myself. But last spring |
stopped frolicking with mince pie
after midnight. Up to then I had
always believed it wasn't loaded.
For thirty years I have taken coffee
and bread at s in the morning and
no bite nor sup until 80 in the eve
ming.
Il have made it a rule never to
smoke more than one cigar at time.
l have no other restrictions as re-
CARDS smoking. I do not know Just
when [ began to smoke, I only know
that it was in my fathers lifetime
and that it was discreet. He passed
from this life early in lS47 when I
was shade past eleven: ever since
then [ have smoked publicly. AS an
example to others, and not that l
care for moderation myself, it has al
ways been my rule never to smoke
when asleep and never to refrain
when awake. To-day it is all of
sixty years since I began to smoke
the limit. l have never bought
cigars with life belts around them.
l early found that those were too
expensive for me. I have ALWAYS
bought cheap cigars reasonably
cheap: at any rate. Sixty years ago
they cost me 81 a barrel, but my
taste has improved latterly and I pay
81 now. Six or seven. Seven, I
think. Yes, it's seven. But that
includes the barrel.
"Since 1 was years old I have sell
dom taken a dose of medicine and
have still more seldom needed one.
But up to 7 [ lived exclusively on
allopathic medicines. Not that T.
needed them, for 1 don't think / did:
it was for economy. My father took
drug store for a debt and it made
cod liver oil cheaper than the other
~ SSiAAC1oO 1OON0. L was Ullo u1SC
Standard Oil trust. I had it all. By
the time the drug store was exhaust
ed my health was established and
there never has been much the mat
ter with me since.
IL have never taken any exercise,
except sleeping and resting, and I
never intend to take any. Exercise
is loathsome. And it cannot be anv
benefit when you are tired; am al
ways tired.
Il have lived strictly moral life.
But it would be a mistake for other
people to try it,, or for me to recon-
mend it. Very few would succeed.
You have to have a perfectly colossal
stock of morals and you cannot get
them on a margin: you have to have
the whole thing, and put them in
your box. Morals are an ACQUIRE