davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
EVANS BIG FLEET.
Admiral Will Command Twenty-one
Fine Fighting Ships.
New York Times.)

(New York Times.)
The battleship squadron of the North
Atlantic fleet is soon to receive an ad-
dftion of six first-class battleships that
will give to Rear Admiral Robley D.
Evans fleet of sea-going fighting
ships of the first class that, so far as
offensive and defensive power is con-
cerned, viii be the equal of any similar
squadron afioat. The jackies behind
the guns, too, will equal any in the
naVleS or the world for craftsmanship.
AT the present time Admiral Evans
has under his command eight battle
SHIPS, all of the first class. The new
ships, several of which have already
had their trial trips, are the Virginia,
Georgia and New Jersey, and the
Louisiana and Connecticut and Mime
sofa. the former of which has recently
broken records on her trial trip over
the Rockland course. The Connecti-
cut is ready for her trial, but will not
be sent over the course until she is
placed in commission and has received
her full complement of officers and
men This is due to the fact that she
is being built by the government, and
there are no acceptance questions to be
decided.
The battleship squadron now in COM
mission consists of the first-class bat
tleship Maine. Missouri, Indiana and
Iowa. The total tonnage of these YES
sells is 1858, divided among the ships
as follows:
Maine .. Ia Ilearsage .1t.724
Missouri =. IL, 36Z Indiana ...1O.163
Alabama ....11,703 Iowa 800 ..11275
Illinois -.1,S61
Kentucky ...11.724 Total 90. COS
There must also be added to this list
the armored cruisers in the squadron
under command of Rear Admirals
BTownSon and SiEsbee. These vessels
are the West Virginia, Pennsylvania,
Colorado and Maryland and the
Brooklyn, the first four being under
Admiral BrownsOn and the last the
flagship Of Admiral Sigsbee. These five
vessels increase the total tonnage of
the armored ships at present in Ad-
miraI Evans fleet by 1886, which
makes the total liz. 293.
Now comes the additions that are
soon tc take their place in the fighting
line. these vessels and their tonnage
being as follows:
Connecticut 10000 New Jersey. .1494S
Louisiana --..1600 Virginia III 94S
Georgia ..14.94S Minnesota Ia, 900
Rhode IsId. ,94S
Total ......107, 1872
Add to this the total already in COM
mission, and then it will be seen what
a magnificent fleet the United States is
soon to have on the sea ready for a
fight at moments notice This total
will be, in battleships alone, POI, 45O
tons. Adding to this the tonnage of
the aTmOTed cruisers in commission,
gives a fighting tonnage in armored
ships of 264, 0S5, results which will be
further increased during the We. by
the commissioning Of the IA 5OO-t ar
mOred cruisers Washington and n
| nessee, bring the grand total to 393,-
/ 0S5 tons
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
VALUE OF A quill"


The military career of General Leon
ard Wood contains many examples of
the value of strong political influence.
To the kindly offices OF his great and
good friend, President Roosevelt. he
owes the fact that he is i'm direct line
of succession to the highest army
position, a post he will hold for a con-
siderably longer period of time than
any of his immediate predecessors.
in many other ways, thanks to Mr..
Roosevelt, General Woods path to-
ward advancement has been made very
pleasant.
In all his career. though, there is
harly more striking example of the
value of the presidents friendship
than in the payment by the govern
ment of $4,000 for Woods trip around
the world. While I'm Cuba, the story
goes, General Wood struck his head
against chandelier, 'in line of duty"
and sustained injuries which nearly
seven years later necessitated a sur
gical operation. At that time Wood
was in Manila. The surgeons there did
not care to undertake the operation so
Wood, at the expense of the govern
ment, came to the United States and
went to Boston. where the operation
was performed.
This operation, according to Secre-
tary Taft, "was not entirely satisfac-
tory to the generals friends in the
United States. including the presi-
dent" So the chief executive ordered
To Tn no
pines by way of London i'm order that
he might consult a specialist in the
British metropolis. With him. also at
the expense Of the government went
an aide. Wood Travelled on liner in
stead of on a transport and enjoyed
all the IuxUries money could procure.
The bill for $4,000 certainly indicates
that he didn't overlook anything.
And after he had told the story to
the senate committee Secretary Taft
was asked if the government had ever
paid the expenses Of any other officer
who used a liner instead of a trans
port. The witness was so amused at
the inquiry that he laughed aloud.
General Corbin, it later appeared, had
asked for an order of this character
but it was refused. Now, why was
Wood so well treated? Simply because
he was the friend of the president;
that's all
Secretary Tafts contention that an
officer is just as much on public duty
when protecting his health as at other
times applies, according to the secre-
tary's own admissions, to Wood, and to
Wood only. And still the president
every so often has the effrontery to
issue bulletins TO the effect that no
army officer may use political influence
in order to secure favors from the
government.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
SHOPPERS EXPERIENCE
The Conversation Necessary to the
Purchase of d Woman's Hat.
Chicago NeWs.)


(She enters the millinery depart
ment)
Hats, please. I am just looking
oh, you are busy, too? Dear me! I've
asked three persons to show hats and
they are all busy.
''FlOOrman, ] want to be waited upon
at once Thank yOU-but not that
cIoss-lOoking girl. Yes, that one will
do. You see, 1 want some one. who is
willing to show me everything, wheth-
er 1 buy or not, and who understands
my style. She must give me her undi-
vided attention, as il is so hard to try
to shop when a clerk is talking to her
friends about her beauX or-or some
thing
something dressy-but not too much
so. Well, you know. I want it for
eVeningS-and other occasions, too. L
suppose they are all marked down at
this time of the year. The paper said
they were cut in tWO-I mean the
prices. not the hats, though 1t wOuldn
hurt some of them l remember big
hat / had once and one windy day"
Il suppose you are busy. Yes, I'll
try them on. I like to see the differ
ent effects on me. even if l don't buy.
Nov. would you advise a large or
a small hat? I think 1 will look at
both kinds. No, not a white one; it
would be too trying to my complexion.
Not a black One-it'S too sOmbre. Not
that one-it's old enough for my moth
what is becoming You don't seem to
what is becoming. You done seem to
understand what is becoming. Yes, |
suppose you are too busy to know
every one, but, you see, I buy all my
things here, and you ought to know a
regular customer.
Certainly it must be imported.
American hats always have a home
made look. My husband likes to have
me get the best. He says il is the
cheapest in the end. for if I don't like
a thing l talk so much-that is, 1 am
apt to mention it, and he can't work
unless it is quiet.
THAT won't do. The crown is too
high, and I would look taller than my
husband. OF course, I can't expect you
to know his height, but 1 thought 1
would mention that he is trifie short
er than I. I always wear French heels,
but I have to have my hats low. Let
me see that violet hat. ! had beau
tiful one just that color the year I was
married, and my husband thought it
was stunning. Thirty-five dollars? 1
thought you said they were marked
GOWN. l never am sure when clerks
are telling the truth-that is, I suppose
you don't always know. l try to be
nice to persons who wait upon me, for
I can get so much more attention. Yes,
I'll look at that one"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02

would at least be possible TO buy shoes
today of the same quality and for the
same price as that at which they could
be purchased a year ago.
Our Republican friends have for
long time insisted that the hide tariff
is a great benefit to the farmer and
stock raiser. 1t is nothing of the sort.
The only beneficiary is the meat trust.
Does the trust add anything to the price
of a live steer for the hide? Not that
anybody knows of. The hide goes with
the "critter'' and its price is added to
the profits of the trust
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
An Editors Many Talents.

UIon County Record.)
Some time ago the Record editor made
a garden. Perhaps there is nothing I'M
usual in the mere fact of the editor do
affairs take UP some such avocatiOn as
a means of getting away occasionally
from business worries, but that he should
have got his blowing, narrowing and
planting done before the storms came.
proves beyond measure that he is man
of sagacity. Now, IL the frostS will only
keep away and allow him to reap the re-
ward of his labOTS, it is just possible that
the editor may go out of the newspaper
business and move out on a farm, where
he may have a chance to keep his fam
lily and friends in vegetables, and at the
same time develop unsupported but very
evident talent for farming
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
TRAVELLERS.
hinaen Record-Herald.O

Chicago Record-Herald.)
She had Travelled through the country
north and south and east and west
But she didn't think much of 1t as she
candidly confessed;
She had crossed the Alleghenies and the
There was hardly any district that she
never had been through;
She had sped Ger Arizona and had tipped
But had found no wonders in them, she
asserted languidly-
She had crossed those mighty stretches
from which barren mesas rise,
Where the patient sands lie waiting, al
ways under clOudleSs skies,
Where the miles shrink into inches and
the far-off hills come near,
And the plains are as God left them when
he ceased his labOrs here,
But she hadn't looked out at them, for,
heard her once explain,
ITS so dull without a novel when one s
riding on a train
He had Travelled from Lake Huron to the
Gulf of Mexico.
And from Maine to California yet he
didn't seem to know
Whether Utah and Montana were adJoin-
ing states or not,
Whether Kansas had climate tnat was
mild or cold or hot;
And he said that he had never. in his
Journey through the land.
Seen a thing that seemed to strike MIN
as unusual or grand
Past Niagara and Shasta he had gone
Caring nothing for the grandeur they
were fashioned to display;
Through rich valleys and wild canyons he
rode playing solitaire,
Never glancing at the wonders that were
spread around him there:
And he pitied the Door people VINO pre-
ferred 10 spend their time
Gazing out at things they'd read of-the
delightful and sublime
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
archaeological.

Two congressman were talking about
the late Jerry Simpson, says the Detroit
Free Press.
HE was a level-headed man, said the
first. He was a foe to fads. He had
shrewd humor
He and / and clergyman one day
Iunched together The clergyman was
faddist of a marked type. He carried
pocket microscope, wore health under
wear and so on and so forth.
This clergyman wouldn't drink any
water with his lunch.
I wouldn't dare to do So he said sol
EMMY. 1T is so full, you know, of ami
malculae. I never drink water unless it
has been boiled
Congressman Simpson emptied his glass.
and looked at the clergyman with quiz
Zical smile.
- I drink my water raw he said. I'd
rather be an aquarium than d grave
yard.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
BUT THEY DIDN'T.

0eslie's Weekly)
Once gray and guileless farmer
To the wicked BOWery came,
And he met a friendly stranger
Who accOsted him by name,
treating him to wine and whisky
Till his head began TO swim:
For the stranger had a gold brick
Which he meant TO sell to him
But he didn't.
Many months a faithful lover
WOOed a fair cOquette; but 10,
W ben at last he popped the question
Cruelty she answered no.
But the next time he proposes
Said this maiden very vain.
Il will tell him yes, for surely
He will plead his cause again
But he didn't.
There was. too. a lovely heiress.
With a dover of shining gold.
And d noble count she welded.
With a ruined castle old;
and she thought as she went sailing
Ger the ocean at his side,
She would dwell in endless rapture
AS his proud and happy bride.
But she didn't.
Twas a knowing chap who purchased
Quite lot of giIt-edged shares,
And who thought to cut a figure
With the Wall street bulls and bears,
And who reckoned on an auto
And a splendid country seat;
For he planned TO make a million
From promised rise in wheat.
But he didn't.
Came a youth in yachting flannels
To a cottage by the sea,
Where the summer girls were boarding,
I'm the only male" said he;
''All those sweet and pretty creatures,
Gazing on my manly charms.
VIII be Straightway captiVated
And will fall into my arms.
But they didn't.
Oh the book we sought to publish.
AnG the house we hoped to build,
And the friend we ought TO visit,
And the place we should have filled!
There's a score of angels weeping
In the far celestial blue.
While a record they are keeping
OF the things we tried to do
But we didn't.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
He Was Sorry.
(Chicago Inter OceanN

(ChiCagO Inter OCean.)
Professor John De Camp of Williams
college, when a student at college. roomed
in the house of a lady who had a very
bright little boy about . years old whose
name was Dewey. He had just learned
to talk, and Mr.. De Camp was very proud
of him
One day when Mr.. De Camp was teas
ing him he shocked his mother by saying
Keep your old mouth shut" She took
him aside and told him he must apollo
gize TO Mr.. De Camp, and say he was
very sorry he said such a naughty thing.
That night Mr. De Camp had company
in his room, when the patter of Dewey's
baby feet was heard in the hall. Then a
sad little voice in the doorway said: rs
sorry"
'Why, what are you sorry for, Dew
ey?'' Mr.. De Camp asked
rs sorry" said Dewey. that you don't
keep your old mouth shut.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
Differently Expressed.

Two groups of people We're seated in the
waiting room Of a railroad station, says
LppincOtts Magazine One consisted of
a young man and two young ladies'
dressed in the height of fashion, the other
a man and his wife not so fashionably
attired.
They had been there only a few min
utes when a girl came in whose complex
ion was as nearly perfect anything in
this world ever is While she was buying
her ticket the young man remarked to
the ladies with him:
Isn't Miss CranSford a beauty Her
complexion is as perfect as a rose"
At the same time the other man
clutched his WifeS arm and whispered:
Lord, Nan, hasn't that gal got purity
hide2"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
Two Boarders.
Boston Herald.)

Under the proprietorship of L. s. Drew
the old American house at Burlington
was one of the most popular hotels in
Vermont. and IL was the scene of many a
humorous episode.
One night after supper Mr. Drew was
welcoming a new arrival in the office
when an extremely corpulent guest came
out of the dining room Pointing to the
fact man, Mr.. Drew said: You can see
how well we feed our guests. Just look
at that man.
1t CHANGED that permanent resident of
the hotel overheard the remark. This
man was extremely thin-just the oppo-
site of the guest referred by Mr.. Drew.
The thin boarder at once spoke up, say
ing: Yes. that fat man has been here
three days. I have been here thirty
years. Look at me-!
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
Twins in a Contest.

BOX Elder News.)
Mrs. AdOlph Forsgren presented her
husband with a fine eleVen-pound boy
last Monday evening. This is the seven
teenth child for Mrs FOrSgren Mrs.
Forsgren and Mrs. John H. Bott are twin
sisters, daughters of Gerhardt Jensen of
the Second ward They have both given
birth to seventeen children. This rather
upsets the idea some people hold that
girls who are twins don't bear children.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
Why Not Make 1t Thirty Cents?

philadelphia Ledger
a Connecticut man who had attempted
suicide and been saved by a doctor re-
fused to pay more than $40. The doctor
sued and was defeated If he has nice
regard for values he will return 50. 70.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
BOYHoOD MEMORIES.

brooklyn Life.)
Satan-That new arrival actually seems
to feel at home.
Imp-Yes, he says his grandmother al
ways gave him mOlasses and sulphur in
the spring.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
One Member Wavering.

Chicago Inter ocean,
Not long since, when the religious stat
isticS were being taken in Worcester
Mass, il CHANGED that the enumeratOr' 5
ring at Judge lockwood HOar's door was
answered by his eldest daughter, a girl
of 2. When asked for the religious af-
filiatiOn of the family the census man
received this unique reply: Papa is a
Unitarian, mamma is an Episcopalian,
m an EpisCOpalian, but Ruth is waVer-
ing" Ruth was years of age.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
Poetic Justice Gets in a LEX.

(ChicagO RecOrd-Herald.)
A white hoodlum attempted in New
York the other 61y to cut off China
mans pigtaiI and was soundly whipped
by the Monaghan.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
Who Gould Take His Place?

(St. Louis GlObe-Dt mOcrat)
Secretary Taft can have the vacant
place on the supreme bench if he wants
it. but he will not give up his present
position while any of the lids are fitting
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
An Old Maids PLANT.

CSpringville independently
There is an old maid in Castledale who
thinks il Just awful for people to talk
as they do about married women. Why
she says, Il m just good married.
I've hog and he does the grunting,
tOmcat and he stays out at night, and if
that is not as good as the average hus-
band, I'll quit
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
SOME CURIOSITIES.
Baltimore

Baltimore American.)
Did you ever see a catnip tea?
Did you ever see dogwOOd BARK
Did you ever find the airflue open,
or an ordinary hOrsefly, mark?
Did YOU ever see wheelwright well2
Did you ever see a baseball ShOut2
Did YOU ever watch a clamb bake dinner
OR listen to g tin roof spout?
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
LAYING FOR HIM.

(Woman's Home CompaniOn)
NuTse-TOmmy. dear, don't YOU want to
come and see the sweet little sister
stork has brought you?
Tommy-No, 1 want to see the stOrk.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
Opportunity is Democratic.
Ne York World.

ANt 1OGk w
1t 5 poor Joy's country says Sena-
tor Dolliver. Not an exact statement 1t
is any boys country, rich or poor, who
does not waive his birthIight. Opportu-
nifty is democratic.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
CLEVER PARAGRAPHS.
VIII stef JIease Come Forward?

New York Evening SUM-
The postoffice people at Kent, O., have
a letter for Stefan BrescztI anskuperczak-
mantzansky. Perhaps he has changed
his name by permission of the courts and
forgotten what it originally was.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
THE WAY HE WENT.
CPhiiadelnhia PressN


rs Casey, workin' here asked Finne-
gan entering the quarry shortly after a
blast.
He was. but he jisht wint away" re-
piled Flanagan, the foreman.
Are We eXpictin him back?"
Yes. l suppose so. Anyway. they do
say, WHATEVER goes up mustn't come
down"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
THE AWKWARD AUX.

princeton Tiger)
Here's to the primitive AUX;
Awkward is he and a gaWk;;
Building his nest
Where it pleases him best
He's priced at bird auktions, the Auks
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
THE HIDDEN STAR.

Baltimore Americana
Some tongues like "A bee are
A sweet laden thing,
That in all it's honey
ConcealS a sharp sting.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02

Nearly 1000 varieties of sausage were
exhibited at a food show in Switzer-
land the other day. 1t didn't seem
possible that there could be that many
different breeds of dog.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
No Beef suicide in This Case.

philadelphia TeIegraph.)
A brindle cow at Lawrence, Mass, has
Just given birth to seven calves, but
stranger still is that fact that no one
thought to notify President Roos welt.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
"MY KINGDOM" ETC.

Minneapolis Tribune.)
The touring car had broken down
At the wrong time. of course,
And Richard then attained renown,
BY bowling for a horse.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02

A noted eX-slave who purchased his
freedom for $500 in 1851 has just died
in Ohio. We wonder if he thought he
got his moneys WORTH.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
HARDLY.

0os Angeles Times)
Say
''Well?"
Would sacred concert be called a
holy shoW?'
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
Or Why Not "the Big stick2"

New York Evening Post)
Why call the new 10, 400-ton battleship
Why not Monroe Doctrine ?
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02

District Attorney Jerome of New
York is quite busy just now trying to
find a court that will decide in advance
i'm favor of the insurance grafters.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02

Mr.. Shonts gets only $4,000 a year as
president of the Glover Leaf railroad.
Still, dinner Of herbs there is better
than a stalled OK on the Isthmus of
Panama.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
HIS DREAD.
CPittsburg Bulletin.

(Pittsburg Bulletin)
Small Son-Mamma. please don't go to
Mrs BloOblud's. L think she is a canni-
bal.
Mamma-Gracious! What do you mean?
Small SOn-Why. I heard her say she
wanted you for dinner.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
REASON FOR FEELING BADLY
CYonkers Statesman.l

Patience-Are you sick. crossing the
oCean2
Patrice-Oh, yes; why, 1 can't cross to
Jersey without getting sick!
'Oh. well, it would make anybody sick
TO have to go to Jerseyi'
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
HUMOR OF STATE PRESS.
Cutting Down His Rations.

price Advocated
Fashion spares nothing in demanding
change The pie that used to be as tick
as feather bed is now as thin as a
boarding house blanket.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02

Wireless telegraphy seems to be all
right, but the great benefactor of man
kind will be the fellow who invents a
bonnetless Easter.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
Why Not Just Say 600, eoo!'
Chicago News.

Chicago NeWS.)
Just at present ii might be possible to
lure Mr.. Rockefeller forth simply by MAX
ing a noise like a baby rattle.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
TRUTH.

Mrs SlimsOn-I thought you were COM
ing home early to punish Willie for tell
ing that lie.
SIimson-I was, but had to stop at the
CITY hall and swear off my taxes
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02
He Might Wear Red Cross Uniform.

New York Herald.)
Attorney General Hadley of Missouri
will allow the Standard Oil chief to visit
John ID. III under flag of truce
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-04-02

No, Best Beloved, you didn't have a
right to hit him even if he did ask you
yesterday if you ever saw a prettier
spring day. Nobody ever did.