The Farmville herald. [volume] (Farmville, Va.) 1890-1934, 1906-05-04
MY USEFUL BURGLAR


to fear an attempt at burglary than
have.
l do not believe In keeping any
quantity Of money about the house;
IL IS foolhardy and unsafe As soon
as we get any money ahead. my wife
and | always look around for a Judi
cious investment
We usually invest the bulk OF It in
groceries. and lay the remainder out
for house rent Yet know OF no
house that could be more successfully
burglarized than ours, nor one that
would pan out less to the square
foot.
had always thought that II
should be called upon to entertain
burglar in my home during the small
hours in the back part OF the night |
would do II IN a pleasant, off-hand
manner would insist on his not
doing a bungling Job. II there is any
thing | hate to see II is poor work
manship. II I am to be burglarlzed
I want to be robbed in a thorough and
systematic manner. by a man who un-
derstands his business and has repu-
tation TO sustain.
Consequently. when | awoke a few
nights ago and saw a man going
through the contents OF the bureau
drawers. felt that at last the crucial
haI arrfsrnI ak I
to come face to face with a real burg
lar
He was standing with HIS back 10
me. and l raised up and and looked
him over. | was disappointed in him
He was a cheap looking. low.browed
fellow. l reasoned that his work was
light. clean and sufficiently lucrative
10 enable him at least to dress like
a gentleman.
I felt hurt and vexed that this weak
chinned individual should break into
my house. l did not like to be thrown
into contact with him. felt that
his early training must have been sad
ly neglected, and that we could have
nothing in common which would be
likely to make a meeting profitable
or congenial to either Of us.
Still. since chance in the shape of
burglars Jimmy had thrown us to-
gether felt that | must at least be
civil toward him. Some men might |
in a moment Of haste have sprung up
and impetuously attacked the unwel-
come visitor have heard Of per
sons trying this and never living 10 |
regret ii. | felt longing 10 keep him |
from taking offense at any action on
my part. so | leaned over and asked |
him II he was a burglar and II I could |
be Of any assistance TO him in any
way.
He faced about and turned a six.
chambered burglars code Of laws on
me and remarked:
When | gets through here you'll
think am a burglar fast 'noug and II
you don't keep quiet I'll splinter your
block"
Why my man." remarked, not
needing his buster. your intrusion
will not disconcert me in the least:
in fact, It is a matter Of pleasure and
satisfaction. None OF your profes-
sion has ever compllmented me by
supposing that had anything worth
taking a risk on; that is why I was
afraid you might be an amateur"
Say. now" said my guest. will
YOU lay there quiet and not try any
tricks on me, or shall tie you to the
radiator while tap the cribT
IF you don't care to have me as
sist you I'll lie right here and II you
1nd anything wish you would come
back and tell me. | have never been
able to find any valuables In this
house. and II you can locate any I'll
write you a testimonial to boom your
business and get you a good practice"
He left, locking the door after him,
md ! heard him rummaging through
he lower part OF the house In about
lalf an hour he came back He looked
iulen and disappointed. and felt
.orry for him.
Say. look here" said he You've
got to she'll ont You've got your
'ugar hid somewhere. have gone
through your clothes and everything
n the house. and haven't even found
pocketboek yet"
You might look around here for
wo months and not find one The
act is. my wife went through me
ust two days ahead Of you. She is
mt in the country now visiting her
ousin II you are hungry. you will
md some cheese and crackers down
n the kitchen. I am sorry am not
tocked mp for burglars There Is no
money in the house except 122 pennies
n that toy bank over there; It belongs
D the boy, but you might as well take
/; It will get broken into with a
atchet on Christmas, anyhew"
My burglar had the good sense 10
ppreclate the situation and departed
s quietly as he had come. evidently
broken-hearted man.
The next morning by judiclous use {
Z a neighbor's telephone. had the 1
hief Of police. three special officers q
nd a squad Of reporters around our h
ouse before sun up.
I showed them how In the quiet
ours some nocturnal desperate had '
antonly broken my peaceful home /
nd completely sacked the house All 6
he family plate. my wlfe's Jewels
nd our rare curios we're all not only d
issing. but totally gone. /
got my name In all the papers.
ven journals that had refused my g
anuscripts time and again now de- a
,ted a column TO telling OF my great Z
S. The grocer extended my credit
definitely. many friends offered 10 e
nd me money. and everything began
look bright and rosy.-N. Y. Sun v
4 good complexion is impossible with
e stomach out Of order. II pasty sal fo
W people would pay more attention HI
tH.tr ..f,fttae1t- urI Loo "a tho urirt -