The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-06-15

wealth at the end OF any round
choose. Ill contde In you because you
are my countrymen and guests, even
sf you have committed an assault upon
my adopted shores with the worst sys.
tenn Of noises ever set to music.
"My job is private secretary to the
president Of this republic, and my du.
ties are running ii, I'm not headlines
In the bills. but I'm the mustard in thu
salad dressing. There isn't a law zoe:
before congress, there isn't conces
sion granted, there isn't an import
duty levied. but what III. L, Melliuger
be cooks and seasons It, In the front
office | Gil the presidents inkStand and
search visiting statesmen for dyra
mite; in the back room | dictate the
policy of the government. You'd never
guess how got the pull. Its the only
graft Of its kind in the world. III put
you wise. Iou remember the toplnel
in the old copy books, Honesty is the
best policy" That's it. I'm the only
honest man in this republic, The gov
ernment knows it; the people know il;
the boodlerS know il; the foreign in,
vestors know itr | make the govern,
ment keep its faith. If a man is prom.
iSed job he gets 1t; If outside capital
buys concession they get the goods
! run a monopoly of square dealing
here. There's no competition. If Colo.
mel Diogenes were TO fash his lantern
in this precinct he'd have my address
inside of two minutes There isn't big
money in it, but it's sure thing and
lets man sleep of nights
THUS Homer I. Mellinger made ora
ton to me and Henry Horsecollar in
ore-toe-kangaroo. And later he di
vested himself of this remark:
Boys, I'm TO hold a soiree this
evening with gang Of leading citi
zens, and want your assistance. You
bring the musical corn shelter and give
the affair the outside appearance of u
function, There's important business
on hand, but it mustn't show. / can
talk to you people. I've been panied
for years on account of not having
to blow off and brag to. II
get homesick sometimes, and I'd swap
the entire perQuisites OF office for just |
one hour to have stein and a caviare |
sandwich somewhere on Thirty fourth
street and stand and watch the street |
ears 90 by and smell the peanut roast
er at old Giuseppe's fruit stand
Yes, said /, there's fine cayiare at
Billy Renfrows cafe, corner of Thirty.
tourth and
God knows it, interrupts Mellin.
yer, and if you'd told me you knew
Billy Renfrow I'd have invented tons
II ways Of making you happy. Billy /
vas my side kicker in New York. That \
s a man who never knew what crook.
d was. Here am working honesty
or a graft, but that man loses money
N it Carrambos. | get sick at times
4 this country. Everything's rotten.
from the executive down TO the coffee
'ickers they're plotting to down each
ther and skin their friends. II mule
river takes off his hat to an official,
nat man figures it out that he's a
'opular idol and sets his pegs to stir
p a revolution and upset the admins
ration. It's one of my little chores as
rivate secretary to smell out these
evolutions and affix the kibosh before
hey break out and scratch the paint
q the government property. That's
my I'm down here now In this mil.
ewed coast town. The governor of
le district and his crew are plotting
uprise. I've got every one of their
ames. and they're invited to listen to
le phonograph tonight, compliments
II. T. NJ. That's the way I'll get
lem In bunch. and things are on the
'ogramme to happen to them
I'VE three were sitting at table in
e cantina Of the Purified Saints. Mel
1ger poured out wine and was look J
6 some worried. l was thinking.
They're a sharp crowd he says,
nd Of fretful. They're capitalized
foreign syndicate after rubber,
I'd they're loaded to the muzzle for Z
ibing. I'm SICK goes on Mellinger,
comic opera. want to smell East Z
yer and wear suspenders again. At
mes / feel like throwing up my Job,
It I'm fool enough to be sort of proud
it. There's Mellinger," they say 8
re; "por Dios, you can't touch him Z
Ith a million" I'd like to take that 9
cord back and show it to Billy Rem y
DIV some day, and that tightens my 9
ip whenever l see fat thing that =
could corral just by winking one eye 9
md losing my graft. By George, :
ey can't monkey with me; they know 9
What money get / make honest Z
d spend it. Some day I'll make a 6
e and go back and eat caviare with \
lily. Tonight I'll show you how to g
ndle bunch Of corruptlonists. I'll Z
DIV them what Mellinger, private Q
,retary, means when you spell it =
tn the cotton and tissue paper off, 4
'Mellinger appears shaky and breaks 4
glass against the neck of the bottle.
I says to myself, White man, if I'm
mistaken, there's been bait laid
where the tail of your eye could
! it. .-..
That night, according to arrange