The Citizen. [volume] (American Fork, Utah) 1903-1912, 1906-09-08

1t isn't as though she had cared. -
Anterior said, in tired voice, turn
ing the letters and kilograms over
hstlessly. 1T isn't as though she had
cared he repeated, DULY, opening
and closing the small drawers, one by
one. He was searching for a photo
graph that she had kept on her desk
"a likeness taken in her early girl.
hood, long before he had met her.
AS he felt clumsily about among
the papers a letter fell out. lie start.
ed to replace 1t, but caught sight OF
his own name in the familiar writing
and paused. He opened II with trem.
bling fingers.
i did the best | could" he said.
slowly to himself Il couldn't help
not caring. | thought could-at
first. thought It would come with
time. God! how hard IL has been.
how bitter hard" He passed his thin,
nervous hand YEARLY across his col
orless face. AT least, she never
knew, never suspected, nor cared,
either way" he said. bitterly She
was as Indifferent as-as | was"
Il wonder II she knows now" he
breathed. Il wonder II she knows
and understands. She never seemed
to understand anything. I used to
wonder how anyone could feel 80 lit
tie and live. ! tried once to tell her
how | felt and she laughed. Said
] needed something to tone me up.
Perhaps she was right. Perhaps
am morbid chap.
III she had cared" he began again.
II would have tried to be different.
l should have learned to get hold Of
her interest In some way, but that
dead calm OF hers! I used to think
1t would drive me crazy. She was
the right sort, too-or seemed TO be.
with her possibilities she might have
developed into wonderful woman
under the right conditions. She is
wonderful-she was" he corrected
himself, shuddering at the correction.
II admired her more than any other
woman ! ever met. Poor Helen'"
he sighed as he pored over the letter
In the failing light.
He sat up, startled. Hurried to
the window. reading eagerly with a
look OF intense interest on his rather
apathetic face--a look such as Helen
Atherton had never reused in all her
sadly inconsequent life with him.
Dear" he read. Il couldn't hope
ever to make you understand how
love you. You have Just left me
cold. unloving, careless. as you always
are-and l (poor foolish, loving thing
put my starved arms about your chair
and laid laid my lips assionately against
the spot where ybur dear head has
lain. know II II utterly unrecipro-
Gated. that shall never be more to
you than ! am now. and though II
breaks my heart with its desolation.
Its utter despair. yet ! bow 10 II.
Dearest, no man was ever loved more
deeply. more tenderly, than you are.
o. the sadness. the heartbreak OF II
all!
You thought AT first you cared. II
you had been sure. then-ah. N you
had only known then-and told mo.
Now II is too late. | am wrapped In
a ncvcr-endlng regret that will be
my portion 10 the end OF time. I
can't ease the hurt OF loving unloved.
Il want you 10 know II you are left
and you will be-that I have always
cared ! used TO hope for the day
when | should Sc your eyes food with
gladncss at my coming. have
learned TO welcome even the wear.
ness OF spirit they express II only
may feel you near me.
Dear. know how II is with you.
! know that the bonds have become
so irksome that they have worn into
your very soul. see the distaste,
the dislike-almost loathing-that pos.
sesses you at times. ! see II all. yet
| am powerless to release you. can
only hide II all securely away under
the slow smile, the smile that you
call my everyday face.
III you had cared. John, we should
have been very happy. love your
work, your interests. but ! have not
dared voice II for fear-o that look!
that cruelty Indifferent, hard, careless
look! IL burns into me as I write
and ! wIithe under the torture OF H."
He sat with his head on his arms
for hours, Once he cried out In
agony; My God, II had knownl
II ] had known"
At last he climbed the heavy, dark
stairway TO the room above 20 face
his dead He turned back the white
coverlid with hands strangely steady
after his long vigil.
Her face was oddly girlish as Il
was in the little photo. lie felt vast
yelling up within him as
he looked. A rush OF feeling that
flooded him with longing, longing for
hs smile, for her clear-eyed look, for
the spirit of her, brave and iudomita.
BILE as II had ever been. At last he
knew the truth. He could see the
soul back OF the silence-back OF her
lpathetic gentleness OF demeanor that
had shamed his churlish outbreaks OF
oh, to tell her! TO let
her know how he admired her self
her wonderful soldier heart |
hat could force her TO smile calmly, !
though her life's blood was oozing |
AWAY droD by drop.