The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-05-23
Mark Twain's Great Beef Contract

the beef contract I went to the sec
ond comptroller Of the corn-beef d.
vision. He examined his books and his
loose papers, but with no success. !
was encouraged. During that week I
got as far as the sixth comptroller in
that division; the next week got
through the claims department; the
third week I began and completed the
miSlaid contracts department, and got
fOOthOld in the dead reckoning de-
partment. finished that in three days.
There was only one place left for it
now. I laid siege to the commissioner
of odds and ends; to his clerk rather
he was not there himself There were
sixteen beautiful young ladies in the
room writing in books, ard there were
seven well favored young clerks show
ing them how. The young women smiled
up over their shoulders and the clerks
smiled back at them, and all went
merry as a marriage bell. Two or three
clerks that were reading the newspa-
pers looked at me rather hard, but went
on reading, and nobody said anything
However, I had been used to this kind
Of alacrity. I said 10 one of the clerks
who was reading III ustTiOus Nagrant,"
Where Is the Grand Turk"
What do you mean, sir? Whom do
you mean? IF you mean the chief Of
the bureau, he is out"
viii he visit the harem today?"
The young man glared upon me for
awhile, and then went on reading his
paper. But I knew the ways Of clerks
I knew I was safe, if he got through
before another New York mail arrived
He only had two more papers left. At
ter awhile he finished them and then
he yawned and asked me what I
wanted.
Renowned and ho1ored ImbeciIe:
On or about"
You are the beef contract man.
Give me your papers,"
He took them and for long time he
rsnsacked his odds and ends. Finally
he found the northwest passage I
regarded it-he found the long sought
lost record of that beef contract; he
found the rock upon which so many of
my ancestors had split before they
ever got to it. I was deeply moved
And yet I rejoiced-fOr I had survived.
I said with emotion. Give it to me.
The government will settle now" He
waved me back, and said there was
something to be done first
Where is this John Wilson Macken-
zie?" said he
Dead"
when did he die?"
He didn't die at all; he was killed"
How
who tOmahawked him."
Why, an Indian, of course. You
didn't suppose it was a superintendent
of a Sunday school, did your
No An Indian, was it,"
The same
Name of the Indian"
His name, I don't know his name"
Must have his name. Who saw the
tomahawking dOne2'
4 don't know"
You were not present yourself,
then?"
Which you can see by my hair. I
was absent"
Then how do you know that Mac
kenzie is dead2''
Because he certainly died a that
time. and I have every reason to be
lieve that he has been dead ever since.
I know he has. in fact.
We must have proofs Have you
got the Indian
'Of course not"
We'll. We must have him. Have
you got the tOmahawk?'
I never thought of such d thing"
You must get the tomahawk- You
must produce the Indian and the tom
ahawk If Mackenzie's death can be
proved by these, you can then go be
fore the commission appointed to audit
claims, with some show of getting your
bill under such headway that your
children may possibly live to receive
the money and enjoy it. But that
mans death must be proven. How
ever, I may as we'll tell you that the
government will never pay for that
transportation and those travelling ex-
penses of the lamented Mackenzie. 1t
may possibly pay for the barrel of
beef that SheTman's soldiers captured,
if you can get relief bill through
congress making an appropriation for
that purpose; but it will not pay for
the twenty-nine barrels that the In
dams ate"
'oThen there is only 800 due me, and
that isn't certain After all Macken- |
zie's travels in Europe. Asia and Amer
lea with that beef; after all his trials
and tribuIatiOns and transportation;
after the slaughter Of those innOcents
that tried to collect that bill Young
nan, why didn't the First Controller of
the Corn-Beef Division tell me this?'
He didn't know anything about the
genuineness Of your claim"
why didn't the Second tell meg /
Why didn't the Third? Why didn't ali
those divisions and departments tell |
me7'
None of them knew. We do things |
by routine here. You have followed |
the routine and found out what you
wanted to know 1t Is the best way. /
II is the only way It is very regular. /
and very slow, but it is very certain"
yes. certain death it has been to the |
most of our tribe. ] begin to feel that
I. too. am called. Young man, you |
love the bright creature yOnder with !
the gentle blue eyes and the steel pen
behind her earS-T see it in your soft |
chances; you wish to marry her, but
you are poor. Here, hold out your
hand-here is the beef contract; go, |
take her and be happy! Heaven bless
you, my children
This is all that 1 know about the
great beef contract that has created
50 much talk in the community. The
clerk to whom I bequeathed il died. ]
know nothing further about the con-
tract or any one connected with it. I
only know that If q man lives long
enough he can trace a thing through
the CirCumlOcutiOn Office at Washing
ton and find out, after much labor and
trouble and delay, that which he could
have found out on the first day if the