davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03
His Way Of Putting It.

You Engiishmen are slow to see any
thing funny.
You misjudge u.s.. answered the loyal
Briton. II see a great many funny things
that don't laugh at I don't want to risk
hurting chaps feelings simply because
he has said something ridieulous"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03
SHOOTING STARS.
A Learned Opinion

DO you really think that cigarette
smoking destroys the intellect?' asked the
vapid youth.
NO. answered Professor Hevviwate
That theory is another evidence of the
popular tendency to mistake the effect for
the cause. In my opinion it is the absence
Of intellect which leads people to consume
cigarettes"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

OF course. there Is no possible connection
between the Rockefeller voyage to Europe
and the recent advance of three cents a
gallon in the price OF gasoline. but it Is
comforting to know that John D. will not
'go broke" as result of his extravaganza
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03
A Survivor.

so you are still unmarried" said the
girl friend.
Yes" answered Miss Cayenne. '.And
when l see the disappointments of the
girls who are married. begin to believe
there is, after all, something in this doc
trine OF the survival of the ittest"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

The beef trust. 1t Is said, Is willing TO ac-
cept the Beveridge bill II it is property
amended" 1t Is to be feared that the
trusts idea of legislative propriety would
not exactly meet the public's conception.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

Reliable Information regarding the where
aoouts OF an earthquake which left card
AT me weather bureau the other nigat. but
Ial'ed 10 note where II was located, VIII
he gratefully received by Prof. Moore
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03
Botanizinp.

No more III wander in the sun
To Gull the blossoming Dough.
An EGGPLANT is the only one
That charms my fancy now.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03
observation-disclosures.

I'VE should always try to lend helping
hand" said the benevolent man.
Stranger" said Three-ingered Sam,
you want to go slow with that kind of
advice in Crimson Gulch. 1t amt been
two weeks since we lost two of our leadin'
citizens because one of 'em was caught
lending helping hand In a poker game''
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

If this anti-tipping crusade goes much
further some of these gentlemen who give
away tips on stocks and horses will go TO
IA
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

Cipriano Castro as a revolutionist seeking
to down a tyrant president would be acting
In novel role.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

The inspectors division of the Post once
Department has ruled that several recent
remarks in Congress are not nathalie.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

DIR. Parkhurst declares that he would
not accept the New York police commits
sionership IL 1t were offered to him. Ho
prefers to remain the man behind the
law
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

There is no reason why men should not
have high ideals. Nearly everything else
seems to be high
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

1t begins to look as though the contest
between the car and the douma might
run into extra innings,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

NO matter who appoints the board or
trustees. the school teachers deserve hrher
pay and surer promotion.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

1t is now proposed to smoke out the to-
bacco trust.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

Relating will soon come to be considered
as undignif1ed as bullbaiting
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

ETHEI-P1ease tell me how much II Will
cost me for a bathing suit of that new ma
terial that Is so popular this summer. An
swer-It shouldn't cost You more than 50
cents. dearie. The material is only S2oo
yard.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

NOI'E-Uncle Jasper takes occasion to
announce that having answered the ques-
ton, why Is a ham sandwich" on divers
and sundry occasions. no further space will
be devoted to the matter In this column.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

FREDERICK-What Is the most popular
place In Washington this hot weather.
Answer-The Vice Presidents room In tho
Senate wing of the Capitol. Such a co-o-ol-
ness-s-s! 80 much frigigididity!
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

ii. M. K.-What Is the population or
jamestown? Answer-Jamestown on tho
Jeems at present consists of nine tomb
stones, fourteen foundations, a pint OF
glass beads and the history of church.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

blBLIO-Please tell me the meaning OF
the expression there Is no balm In GlIead -
Ahswer-Why. 1t is as plain as print. We
cont recognize the name OF the place, but
Then we don't claim TO know all the saloons
In town.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

THETUS WIILRETTE-Why Is an en-
tirely laudable ambition to be- President
spoken of as "a presidential beer Answer
Because II makes a continuous buzzing,
gathers some honey works overtime and
very often stings the keeper. How's that
for homer made answer right or the bat?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

lin TITS column viii be answered all questions
OF proper nature submitted TO The Star. In
Quircn should write on one side Of the paper only
and ADDRESS their iettsrs to s.Uncie Jasper Star
ONCE. In case OF difi3cult coHundrufns may
be delayed for a week two. Consequently II
may Be advisable for all Questioncrs to watch this
column carefully
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-06-03

HosrEFTER-Dear Uncle Jasper, l am
an epicure. Please give me recipe for
salmon soufne Answer-Cert, Hos. Take
large hopping anadromous saimonoid
weighing about Ave pounds. remove the
o'enoids and the pectoral, ventral, dorsal,
anal and caudal membranous extensions,
render the cetacean sanitary, disintegrate.
add pound OF toasted bread crumbs and
a quart OF nice fresh soufiie and serve
piping hot. .Garnish with Latin dlction-
aries.
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18
roo STYLISH FOR HIM.
Pullman Passenger Who Objected to
Having bis Boots
Shined.

I'VE had a queer passenger on one Of
our cars few nights ago." said con-
ductor who runs to Kansas City from
the west. HE was a big cow-puncher
from Colorado who had been induced to
ride for the first time on a Pullman by
a friend. He was going to Fort Collins,
Col. During the night the porter
BACKED the cowpuncher's boots. Next
morning the passenger called me.
Say lie said, 4 can't find my boots.
| left 'em hyGr last night
aren't those Sours?' / asked. point
ing to the polished boots.
No, sir; they hain't. My boots
hain't never been BACKED an they hain't
never goin' to be- When finally con-
WINGED him that they were his boots he
got mad.
What'd he do It fer?' he asked with
a scowl. III let you know / hain't no
dude
GAS he pulled the boots on he growled:
That settles this hyar Pullman business
with me. Hyarafter I'll ride on stock
trains, where a man don't have to be Sc
plagued stylish"
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18
Tn q Non-smoker.

An offlcious little country station
master recently discovered a gentle
man enjoying a cigar in a compart
ment not reserved for smokers The
traveller wore a top hat. and the little
station master approached him in all
humility.
"You should not smoke, sir" he be
gan.
Indeed" calculated the traveller,
that Is what my friends say"
''YOu misunderstood me, sir" re-
turned the station master. you must
not smoke"
$50 my doctor tells me" responded
the other
The station master was rapidly los.
ing his temper. and, assuming the most
severe attitude he could command. be
roared:
"But it's against the regulations, ana
YOU shan't smoke. slr!"
Dear mel" exclaimed the unmoVed
offender in grave tones That's my
wife. - 3 tee"
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18
OUT OF MERE CURIOSITY.
oman Overheard" Was Looking to
See Whether the Train Was
Fast or Not.

Anyone who has ever travelled by
rail between Baltimore and Annapolis
will be likely to remember the little
narrow gauge railroad which furnishes
so much amusement, as well as exas-
peratiOn, to those who have to employ
it, Here, says Lippincott's Magazine,
is oae from among the many stories
the navy people tell of its ececntrlci-
ties:
A New York man came rushing into
the station inquiring for fast express
to Annapolis. On being directed to q
train that was just about to leave, ne
piled on breathlessly and fell gasping
into a seat.
When the train was half an hour on
its way the conductor was aroused by
a cry Of Man Overheard" Running
out 20 the rear platform, he discovered
the missing passenger standing on the
track peering under the train.
Here, come back Eere! What's tho
matter with you?" yelled the con
ductor.
The man gazed up at him sadly
you told me that this was the fast
express, and just thought I'd get out
and see what she was fast to-"
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18
STATED STRIKING FACT.
Engineer Tells What Would Be the
Result of Sudden Stopping
of Train.

A young man was riding in the cab
with a locomotive engineer.
NOW" said the young man, shud-
dering, suppose a great sleigh load Of
children was to glide on to the track
from that lane-what a blessing it
would then be If you could stop short,
instantly, like a man walking"
"Blessing?" said the engineer.
why, young fellow, if that sleigh you
speak of was to appear now, and ]
could stop short like man walking,
wouldn't do 1t. instead, I'd keep
right on and kill the kids"
"Why?"
Because it would be the humaneT
course. In one case there would be a
sleigh load of kids slaughtered; in the
other case there would be the slaugh,
ter Of a train load of people.
"For this train is going at the rate
Of As miles an hour, and the sudden
stoppage of train going at that rate
would give the passengers precisely
the same shock-precIsely the same
that they would get from a fall Of 5!
feet-a fall from a housetop."
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18
suILDINo OCEANIC RAILWAY
remarkable Line over Portions Of
the Atlantic Ocean In West
ern Florida.

Mr.. II. NJ. Flagler, who has been
very largely concerned In the develop
ment OF Florida, is about to construct
4 railway 1913 miles long, from Home
stead to Key West, crossing from lie
mainland over 100 miles of islands
and sea. From Miami to Homestead
% miles have been completed, the
whole distance covered by the project
being 154 miles. The work, says the
Baltimore Sun, is remarkable for its
Oceanic" character, a large part Of
1t being over portions of the Atlantic
on the western side Of Florida. There
will be i've and three-quarter miles Of
concrete viaduct, says the Manufacture
ers' Record, 81 feet above sea level.
One via1uct, 10000 feet long will con-
meet Long hey with Conch Key; an
other, 1900 feet long, will cross the
knight Key channel; third, 1890 feet
long, will cross Mosey Key channel,
and fourth, 1850 feet long, will cross
Bahia honda Key channel. These via
ducts are to be Of reinforced concrete
in 50-foot spans. Three drawbridges
will aggregate 410 feet. Some 65 miles
of the distance will be over the islands,
or keys" that lie between Homestead
and Key West. At the last mentioned
island there will be ample terminal
facilities. AS the keys traversed are
very fertile, the railway will develop
in them large fruit and vegetable in
dustry. The railway terminating al
Key West will be the shortest line, II
is held, not only to havana, but to the
Pacific via the Panama canal. From
$18,O0O,OOO to 500, 100000 has been in.
vested by Mr.. Flagler in his various
hotel, canal and railway enterprises il
Florida, the route here described being
the most recent of his many ventures
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18

the beginning of manufacturing enter
prises at the capital city which will
mean the DETACHMENT of its beauty and
its destruction as a desirable city of
residence.
The Firth-Sterling Steel company,
that furnishes the greater part of the
shells and projectiles used IN the navy,
and whose works are now located in
the murky atmosphere of Pittsburg,
has purchased 80 acres of land in the
District opposite Washington, and pro-
poses to locate its shell factory there.
The object is to be within easy reach
of the Indian Head proving grounds Of
the navy department, located some 20
miles down the Potomac. The estab-
lishment of this factory in the District
means the use of bituminous coal and
consequent clouds of smoke which are
certain to mar the beauty of Washing
tons great public buildings and fine
residences.
One of Washington's greatest charms
as a residence city and as a center
where the wealthy, the literary, the
scientific and artistic elements OF
American society could find the best
atmosphere has been its clear air and
in winter, its beautiful Italian blue
skies. These natural beauties have
been guarded jealousy by congress
and stringent laws have been passed
forbidding the emission of black OIL
gray soft coal smoke from chimneys
and President Roosevelt has lent hi!
great influence toward the enactment
of these laws and toward their en-
forcement, 1t has been the purpose K
keep the city clean and spotless.
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18
Queer Baggage.

A railroad man who has been down
in Guatemala tells Of the unusual bag,
gage transported by the railroads
down there. At the station OF Retail
huleu, in western Guatemala, he saw
the following articles checked as bag
gage: One cage Of chickens, a basket
of ducks, bundle OF dried fish, a
crate of live iguanas, various empty
baskets, a crate Of fighting cocks,
baskets of eggs, baskets Of fruit, sill
yer In sacks, bundle Of soiled clothes
that somo woman was taking down to
the river to wash, furniture, hides in
packages, smoked crabs that smelIed
to the next station. baskets Of bread,
a small alligator and two live pigs.
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18

completion Of this frieze. These gen.
tlemen are open to suggestions and
the most pertinent one that has yet
been made is that the whole frieze DO
eliminated and the caricatures stuck
up on the wall Of the rotunda be wiped
out and some really artistic decoration
be substituted.
No one seems to know exactly who
initiated the idea of putting the frescO
groups of figures supposed to represent
important scehes in the history of the
new world, but the idea was adopted
and Brumidi, an Italian artist, was
given the con, ract. He executed" sew
eral of these scenes, but in 1880 died,
after having depicted in his style i'm
portant events down to Penn's treaty
with the Indians. His work was then
taken up by Costaggini, another tia
liam, who brought the events down to
the discovery of gold in California.
This left two panels remaining to COM
plete the circle, and congress has never
agreed as to subjects to fill this space.
The figures in this fresco appear
ridiculous as seen from the floor OF the
rotunda. They are suggestive Of old.
time wood cuts or the rudely' executed
pictures in the Farmers Almanac"
There are impossible horses and still
more impossible men in the tumble OF
figures. They do not appeal to the
artistic sense of anyone and without a
guidebook the subjects can only be
guessed at. The fresco has cost a
pretty sum, and the only objection to
wiping the whole picture out is the
fact that 1t has cost money. In con.
trast with the fine oil paintings that
decorate the walls of the rotunda near
the floor this fresco is very amusing.
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18

do you see many people reading
Nobody's Magazine?" SEE he.
"You bet, and hear 'em talking
about 1t, too. Some SEE you're the
guy what owns it, others sex it's
Charley Moss, the banker, and some
SEE they don't care, One Gazabo sed
you dropped a CofBnfpll CT Ashes in
your High Ball by leaving the editors
mix some Of your Spell with the ads
in the back Of the magazine. and by
printing some Paid PMS about your
self, writ by need-the-money news
paper men,"
Then asked him IL he was for
the Golden Rule, and he sed he was q
plain man, the Friend of the People,
and Copper One was good enough
for him, specially when he made it
Hisself.
was renting meself to the West
ern Onion by the week, and about
the fifth birthday Of me Job Lawson
SEE to me:
"Humpty, how would you like to be
High Funny-businesser with me and
, have Wall Street call you one Of the
Head Hissers in the Snake House?"
| cleared a couple Of Goodluck
Horseshoes out of me throat, and
sed:
You're on, Mr.. Lawson; I'm stucl,
on you. You're the only Naughty
Porch-climber what wipes his feet on
the Family Mat before making the
Touch, and then puts his own freight
car seal on the window blind to keeI
out Common Grafters."
He laughed as loud as a row oil
Canned Fruit exploding in a Bun
Grocery and hired me before could
tell him about me orphaned mother
and me being the only one she haC
to lean on when her thirst was work
ing.
give the Western Onion notice
and wham! splash! their stool
bumped for ten points when the
News showed up on the ticker
(To BE CoNTINUED.)
Copyright. 1906 by @. w. Dillingham; Co.
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18

in arms against this innovation. For
years that body has been authorizing
big public improvements and the cree
ton of splendid governmental build
lngs with the object of identifying
Washington and eventually making it
the finest seat of government in the
world.
Mr.. Babcock, of Wisconsin, who is
chairman of the house committee on
the District of Columbia, is very indig-
nant at the encroachment of the big
steel plant upon the exclusive capital
city. Those business men and real
estate men who are inviting manufac-
turing plants here are making a great
mistake" says Mr.. BabcOCk. The
theory on which congress has been so
liberal in public improvements in
Washington has been that the city
would be retained for governmental
purposes and for a residence city. Big
manufacturing establishments will
bring to the District a class of people
entirely foreign 10 the citizenship
Washington now has. That will not
be the most ODJeCliOudblt lCdNNlNs Ao"'
ever, as the Introduction of dirt,
grease and smoke will mean the de-
struction of the unique character Of the
capital of the nation.
There are now under way public
buildings and improvements represent
ing value approximating S50,0C0, 900
Most Of this is in the way of magnif'
cent public buildings. The two ofice
buildings for the house and senate will
be splendid marble. structures in keep
ing with the capitol and the new UnioI
railroad station will be of white gran
tie. In addition TO these, there is the
beautiful war college, just opposite L
where this factory is to be located, th'
new agricultural building, the $4,000,
600 structure for the Smithsonian In
stitutiOn and the new municipal build
ing for the District. This will mean |
| group OF the finest buildings in tn
world whose beauty viii be sSdl!
marred by the smoke of factories.
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18

The prominence of her statesmen -
unusual when compared with the tig
ure that other state delegations cut in
governmental affairs. First is Vice
President Fairbanks, probably the
leading candidate just now for the Re-
publican presidential nomination In
1908, and he has associated with him
in Washington some brilliant Indiana
colleagues,
Senator Albert ], BeveTidge, another
Indiana boy, holds hrst place as orator
in the senate. He has a rival in one
of his colleagues in the house, James.
e. Watson, recently selected as the
! Republican whip" in that body. Bev-
eridge and Watson were classmates in
the DePauw university during the
early sos. They were then rivals for
class honors in elocUtlon, and so close
was the race that neither could be
| called the winner. Young Fred Laldia
| of Indiana has added new reputation
to the state by a brilliant speech in
| the house. Judge Crumpacker, another
representative, is known throughout
the land for his persistent efforts to
secure representation in congress ae-
cording to the number OF votes cast
in the states. The southern brothers
regard this as a blow at them and
their opposition has conferred much at
tention upon Mr., Crumpacker.
There are other able and Of Illiant
men In the Indiana congressional dele
CATION ana the prominence that state
has achieved in national life is the re-
suit OF her people sending good men to
congress. There are several large. and
older commonwealth that might EMU
late Indiana's example with ADVANTAGE
20 their regulations.
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18

in regard to his connection with al
legged violations of the anti-Tebate law
by the Santa Fe railroad, of which he
was vice president. President ROOse-
welt called him from this railroad posi-
ton to be secretary Of the navy be-
cause he had infinite confidence in his
honesty and in his executive ability.
1t was not possible that the son OF
that consistent and loyal Democrat, ].
Sterling Morton, could be otherwise
than an honest man. When the suits
were brought against the Santa Fs
there was a hue and cry raised against
Mr. Morton that he was implicated in
the violation of the law. President
Roosevelt did not have his faith in the
secretary the least bit shaken and was
confident that a trial in court would
vindicate the latter.
! This vindicatiOn has come through
| the decision of a Democratic United
! States judge, and it shows Mr.. MortoE
| to have been misrepresented and sus-
/ tains his character as a law-abiding:
| citizen and railroad official. This de-
| cision was welcomed in Washington
/ by people who had known Paul Nor
{ ton for many years. They regard it as
particularly gratifying at this time
when he is at the head of a great in
surance corporation that has been sub
| jected to the scathing fires of legis-
| lative investigation. The confidence
/ the president feels in his old cabinet
officer, it is believed, will be reflected
in the minds of the American people,
and Mr.. Morton's character will do
much towards reestablishing faith in
| the insurance company.
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18
Turning the Tables.

Many years ago, before the produc
tiOn Of grain was equal to the demand,
wages OF farm hands were high, but
as production increased the prices low.
cred faster than the rate of wages. A
farmer employed an industrious Irish.
man for Ave years, at the rate OF
$50 a month "and found"-board,
lodging, washing and mending. At
the end of the term. he said to his
man: II can't afford to pay you the
wages have been paying. You have
saved money and have saved nothing
At this rate you will soon own my
farm" Then I'll hire you - worB
for me-" said the other land you car
get your farm back againp'
Mexico Missouri message. (Mexico, Audrain County, Mo.) 1899-1918, 1906-01-18
Youthful Agassiz.

"And what did my little darling DO
in school to-dRy?" a Chicago mother
asked of her young son--a Second
grader"
I'VE had nature study and It was
my turn to bring a specimen" said
Evan.
That was nice, What did you dor
II brought q cockroach in a bottle,
and l told teacher we had lots more
and n she wanted could bring one
every Youths Companion.