Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1906-11-01

= "What is a practical joke" zone
3 that you can sell for dollar and buy
!. bread with it."-Judge.
Mrs. Skinnum-Why are you all hid
y Ing from Tommy? Little Lizzie-Tom-
. my Is the butcher come with his BILL
, Philadelphia Record.
THAT young widow says she Is go
Ing to break her husbands will" II
thought she did that soon after they
were married" American.
In New York.-"Can't you think of
some unusual thing to do tonight
something we haven't done before"
. I'VE might spend the evening at home" "
:. Life.
That man never uses money In hts
campaigns" NO" answered Senator
Sorghum, "he merely makes promises.
He uses credit instead Of cash.
Washington Star
The Parson-When / became a min
lister, | gave up playing the piano. The
Elder-Then you became an expounder
In double sense Of the word, didn't
'you?-YOnkers Statesman.
Cholly-I thought perhaps you had
preference for Bobby Jones? Mildred
Nonsense. You are just as welcome
here as he is Why, he is the most In
sufferable bore l knOw.-Judge.
why don't you get an automobile"
My dear sir" was the answer, II
don't need 1t. l have dog, three life
insurance policies and boil. l have
trouble enough. h."-Washington Star.
Cicely-Why don't you learn to
swim? Muriel-There Is no one to
teach me. Clcely-How about the boys?
Muriel-Oh, they've all taught me be-
fore; different summers you know
Brooklyn Life.
Gladys Cat the seashore)-Are you
having as many proposals as you had
last season? Mayme (wearily)-Oh,
yes, but they are all from the same
men | was engaged to last summer
Detroit Free Press.
But" protested the pert young
housewife, you ought to take off some
thing for the holes in these doughnuts.'
Very well, madam" replies the wise
baker; I'll allow you one cent each
for the holes when you return them
Chicago Daily News.
what asked the sweet girl grad
uts, was the happiest moment OF
yOur life?' THE happiest moment Of
my life" answered the old bachelor,
was when the jeweler took back the
engagement ring and gave me collar
buttons in exchange. ge."-Chicago News.
Mrs. Windfall-Just imagine, Hiram
One Of the sailors told me that this
boat Is now in communication with her
sister ship. | wonder what the con-
varsation is about! Mr.. Windfall-
Humph. Most likely each is asking
the other if her cargo is on straight
Puck.
Il presume, sir" began the young
man, timidly, that you will consider 1t
very presumptuous for fifty-dollar
clerk to apply for your daugh-
tsr's hand in marriage" Not at all, .
my boy" responded Senator Slickguy,
kindly. Il dare say your side CRAFTS
aps quite remunerative."
Don't you object to your husbands
poker playing?" Goodness, no. | like
It You see he always plays with Mr..
ZONES, and Mrs. Jones and l are
If Mr.. Jones wins she takes
he money away from him and divides
with me. If my husband wins l divide
With her-Cleveland Leader.
The two young men reached the door
It the same time rs Miss Swelling
,on in?' they asked. The maid. Norah.
ooked at them and shook her head dis
shes in to wan ay ye
N out to tn other" she said at last;
but tn two av We coming together has
cot me SO tangled Dim blest If Oh
now which is which. But come roight
n both av We, an Oi'll AK her TO come
own an pick ye out.'-Judge.
What's In n Name?-An Irish sol
er in a local regiment during the late
rar arrived at camp late one night. He
pas challenged with the usual. who
otr thereT After pondering a few mo-
rents. and the challenge being repeat
Il. and thinking he might avoid pun
,hrnent, he answered. Kitchener" He
- Immediately knocked down with
70 butt end of rifle. While he was
n the ground ruefully rubbing his
cad, the sentry exclaimed: why, It's
aliaghan! What did ye say it was
iteiIener fori' "Shure," came the an
VI, when ye would do this TO kitch-
lsr, phwat you'd We do to Callaghan"