The new age. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1896-1905, 1906-06-23

riage Is failure.-New York Sun.
His Wife-Have you had a bad day.
deari The Financier-Yes lost over
$250,OO0. And the worst of it is that
nearly 500 of that was my own mon
ey Life.
Uncle-How do you like your employ
er? Tommy think he's bigoted. I'm
cle-In what way? Tommy-Well, he
thinks dat words oughter be spelt his
way all de time.
Molly-He is student at one OF
the big colleges. Polly-Nonsense He
talked with us for an hour when he
was here yesterday and never used a
bit of slang.-Somerville Journal
This flower Is strictly up-to-date, y
said the florist. What do you mean
by that?" asked the prospective GUS
toner. why" he explained, at was
obtained by grating" Detroit Free
Press.
"Is she prettyY' they asked Of the
young, man who was speaking of his
fancee well, l don't want to boast,
he replied, ''but she always gets seat
in a crowded street ar"-Stray
Stories.
If the sweet girl graduate Of last
June hasn't got a school or an engage
ment ring yet, it is high time for her
to study shorthand and hustle around
to get Job at typewriting.-Somer-
vile Journal.
Ferdy-Really, Patrick, I'd rather
ride Staggers than take a spin in the
touring car. The Groom-Sure, tbs
strange We fale that way, sor, consider
in that Staggers Is ownly a wan-hoss-
power hoss.-Puck.
"He claims that he built the first
passenger elevators used in this coun-
try" Nonsense! The Mississippi
steamboats, were running and blowing
up regularly long before he was born"
Philadelphia Press.
mo, my little girl, can't lend your
mother any flour or oil or butter or
fiatirons or lamps or potatoes or any
thing else that she sent you over for,
but 90 back and tell her l have lot
of trouble she can borrow. "-Baltimore
American.
Mother-Come now, Will, If you'll
only be good I'll give you a penny
Willie-No'm; 1 won't be good for
less'n five cents. Mother-Why, you
were good yesterday for a penny. VIII
lie-I know, but yesterday was bargain
day.-Philadelphia Press.
First Girl-What are you waiting
for? Why don't you finish your letter
to EllaP Second Grill don't know
whether to say Ever yours, with truest
love-" or simply yours affectionately; "
You see, can't endure Ella
| sba,s datooko 49, Di'S'
see here!" snapped the landlord.
who had responded to the tenants hur-
ry call for a plumber, II thought you
said the water in your cellar was two
feet deep. Its only q few inches"
''Well, that's as deep as my two feet,
retorted the tenant, land that's too
much"
Clara-Did the papers notice your
father at the great banquet? Johnny
Yes. Clara-Well, mamma said she
could not see his name on the list.
Johnny-No; but the list ends up with
land Others" That means papa. They
always mention him that way.-Illus-
trated Bits.
Magistrate and NJ. P.-After mature
and careful consideration Of your case,
1 have come to the conclusion that you
are lazy, good-for nothing rogue. May
ask If you ever earned a shilling in
your life? Prisoner-Oh, yes, have,
yer 'onor. 1 voted fer yer 'onor once.
The Sketch.
Tom-Look at that crowd of women
trying to get In that department store.
Oick-Yes, It's regular crush Tom
But it's so early. Why, the doors
aren't open yet. Dick-Yes, they're the
women who followed the line of advice
In the advertisement: "Come early and
avoid the rush. Catholic Standard
and Times.
The desperate man, weary of life,
opened an upper window In the sky
scraper and threw himself out. He
landed on top Of load of mattresses
with which teamster happened to be
driving along at the moment Hang
the luck !" he exclaimed, as he rose to
him feet, shook himself, and found that
he was practically uninjured. 81 might
have known this would be the result
of jumping from the thirteenth floor ="
Mrs. Jenner Lee Ondego had just re-
turned from her summer vacation.
my goodness! - she exclaimed, as she
inspected the alterations that had been
made In the house during her absence,
This isn't the kind of wall paper I
wanted. 1t won't harmonic with nv
complexion at ALL" WELL" irritably
answered her husband, you can change
your complexion a good deal easier
than we can repaper the whole house"
Chicago Tribune.
| A clergyman who had accepted an In
vitation to officiate at Sunday services