The Farmville herald. [volume] (Farmville, Va.) 1890-1934, 1906-11-23
He Heard
The Report


soene-Any delicatessen shop any az
ternoon last week The discouraged
looking proprietor leans on showcase
in which are displayed several orands
az prepared meats. A woman enters
evidently an old customer. Without
altering his position the delicaiessen
man nurses an abrased forehead.
The woman (pleasantly)-Good az
ternoon. Mr.. lmbleheimer Isn't IL
warm to-day? Now. you must help me
ont We are not going TO have heavy
dinner this evening, only cold lunch
con. ana what TO get for 1t ] don
know, seeing that
peicatessen Man (gloomily)-lf IL
had leen two weeks ago, Mrs. Third
Hat. ] would have suggested nice
cold cut, maybe a potato salad some
English preserves, thin, sliced bread
waters and tea, but
she (dehghtedly)-Why, that SOUNDS
nice. Why can't have it now .
Haven. you any OF those things in
stock?
Delicatessen Man Cmournfully)-n
stock, ma'am; I've got nothing but
stock, but
She-Now. you mustn't grow dis
outraged. know those horrible rsve'
lations have affected your trade, but
YOU known we do not believe every
thing we read in the newspapers. No,
indeed. and if there is anything par
ticularly nice we will take IL, that is.
OF course, # you are sure it isn't af-
fected. let me see. the cold cut comes
first. What would be nice for that?
Delicatessen Man (hopefully)-Well
there's some nice fresh roast beef.
It's
She (surprised)-Mr lmbleheimer
that would-um-just wait. Mr. I'M
beheimer. Have you ever heard Of
umpy jaw?
Delicatessen Man (who has just un-
earthed the tees from the ice chest
What did You say the gentlemans
name W as, Mrs. Thirdhat, Limpy John?
She somewhat coldly)-I did not say
Limpy John. Mr.. Imbleheimer l said
lumpy jaw. That's something awful
that roast beef suffers from. the report
says.
He (resiguedly) All right. ma am,
we will leave out the beef II you want
20 and take an extra slice Of chicken.
It's
She (more coldly)-Chicken, Mr..
lmbleheimer, did you say chicken
Not il J know it. Didn't you read what
the report said about chicken? Tn
sure it said something about chicken
how they take the poor, innocent lit
tie chicks and keep them in cold stOr-
age Tor years until they grow large
enough The brutes. 10 keep the poor
little things in that cold atmosphere.
And low do we know that It may be
excelsior and bituminous coal. The
only chicken that will ever come into
my home Will be a live one, bringing
with IL a doctors certificate that Il IS
not suffering from a chronic ailment.
And | will attend TO the slaughter my
self Never say chicken TO me, Mr.
lmbleheimer.
DeHcatessen man (wiping the per
spiration from him face)-Excuse me.
ma'am. / guess it's the heat didn't
mean to insult You Well. that leaves
some nice cold lamb and some tongue.
with a strip Of ham
She (freezingly)-M 1mbleheimer, I
told you that We were not disposed TO
be led away by sensational federal re-
ports OF anything. but do you know
that you have actually offered me
lamb. ham and tongue, Do you want
me to give my children something that
might give them a taste for bOracic
acid and formaldehyde all their lives,
besides subjecting them to trichinosis.
CHAMBERS. and that thing they call the
bolts? If You have nothing better ia
do than 70 offer me such things, ] will
go elsewhere.
(She departs and the delicatesseu
mans head drops on the showcase)
(He is aroused by some one Juggling
at his hair)
Delicatessen Man (grufy) What is
It. little girl?
Little Girl Cropping can OF pOtted
ham on the showcase, cracking the
slsss)-My nav says to please send
up ton cents worth OF herring instead
OF this ham you sold the other day TO
my little brother. She says my paw
will come around and see you about II
this evening if he gets out OF court
for beating up those three Eyetalisns
in time.
(The exchange is effected and the
despOndent position is resumed to be
interrupted by a tall man, who grabs
the delicatessen maf1's head and
bumps It vigorously against the scales) |
Tail Man Qndignantly)-You will |
sell my wife a box OF sardines, you |
old murderer, will you? Want 10 I'll |
us up on butterine and cloverdales
and those other things Want to have /
us swallerin' gas. pants buttons and |
workmen. / ought to throw /
you into one Of those watts that Teller /
wrote about. Now, you take back these |
sardines, and you give me 70 cents |
worth o cheese quick, OF you'll wish
you was an embalmed beef and that /
soon Get a move on"
Wife-What will we have for dinner
tonight, John?
Delicatessen Man Gin a high pitched
goicel-I want some roast beef with
he lumpv jaw. some tongue with
whatever tongue gets. some trichinOsis
ham, some pOst-mortem bacon. some
chicken. some potted ham,
leviled chicken. beefsteak. pork in all
'Orms and some butterine
ellis wife shrieks wildly and rushes
lut. end when the ambulance arrives
he delicatessen man is found sitting
N throne of coned beef cans. with
crown Of frankiurters. proclaiming