The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1906-06-10
1906 PRETTY GOOD.
All Right to Talk About olden Days,
But Present are Better.

Every once in WHILE" remarked the
man with the square jaw and the acrId,
raveled stogie, some elderly person with
a widowed face and a voice like the
rafting of riven reeds in winter swamp
tries to nudge me into a corner for the
| purpose of telling me how much better
the good old times were than the times
we're having now and lately. He en-
deavors to drive 1t into me that all of
the romance has been weeded out OF
| life. and he says that nowadays were
nothing but bunch of automatons or
marionettes, who hop to the front or the
rear or sidestep according as we are
| yanked about by the strings He attempts
| to wheedle me into believing that the
mechanical age in which We live con-
duces to the extinguishment and squelch-
ment of what he calls the natural life.
Just look, for instance he says at
what a fine, bold. free, untrammeled life
Richard T. of England Leland then he
| gazes at me real critically and tells me
| that | am not one bit like Richard |. of
| England. When he tells me that l buy
| him drink and a cigar and press his
| hand warmly and gratefully am so glad
that I'm not like Richard |. of England.
| 1--WE may be some shy romance and
atmosphere and the high minstrelsy OF
harps and things like those, but when we
| desire to take a swab. all we've got to
| do is to nudge out to the tiled room with
| a couple of crash towels and the scent
ed soap, turn the hot or cold spigot.
or both and there we are. The less said
about the facilities in this respect at the
command of the fox-souled Lion Heart of
| Godfrey de Bouillon the better-it's no
clnch that they'd have stood for the
| installation of porcelain tubs in their
plants, even If those things were avail
! able.
IF my wife's down town making raid
on the shirt waists marked down from 40
cents and / want to fry an egg where
with to regale me at lunch, all I've got
! to do-after making the dig for the egg
| is to twist around one of the keys of
the gas range. flop the egg into the pan,
and half a minute later, there I am.
| The duck who lived in the good old times
would have had to what-ho for varlet
or vassa to do the Job for him If he
| pulled enough of a wire to have var
| lets and vassals on his staff. or else he'd
| have had to hustle out and get about
two tons of stone into white hot con-
dition before he'd have been able to
| cook his egg
when I want to read the baseball dope
| and it's too dark for reading all I've got
to do is to touch the button In the hall
and there's the illumination. When
| Charles the Fat or one of those some
| bodies received a def from a neighbor-
ing ruler that he wanted to read after
nightfall he had to chase some low churl
into the dark to hustle for rushlight.
and then the light'd be so poor that the
! man trying to read by 1t wouldn't be
able to see anything but the shiniest
! kind of money.
when | want to take ride on the
placid bosom of the nearby stream all
I've got to do is to cough up my two bits.
| climb over the gangway and the smudge-
| faced fellows down below do the rest.
| When Cleopatra desired to take the air
| on the water the boats crew of barge
| slaves had to be herded together and
mustered after a long delay. and when
| they bent to the oars and cussed be-
| tween their teeth the best they could get
ont of their tub was about four and two
| ffths knots per hour.
when I banker to inform some dub
| about 5000 miles away that he won't do.
| and that I hereby scratch him from my
| little list, all I've got to do is to slide
| into the nearest telegraph office. hand
| over about 80 cents In loose metal, and
| inside of an hour so the man at the
| other end of the line Is fully aware OF
| the fact that I have passed him up.
| Whenever Charlemagne had a hunch to
| tell some caitiR knight only about forty
| miles away that he believed he could
use his head detached from the rest OF
| his frame, in his business. he had to
| fit out an expedition OF several thousand
| archers and men-at-arms and stiffs OF
| that character and undertake the job
| in the middle OF the night, as like as not
"Launcelot may have been a warm card
| with all of his ironwork shrouding but
! II IL could be arranged so that any mod
| ern buck soldier in soiled khaki uni
| form could go up against Lance in fair
and even scrap. I'd lay 10 to i against
| the capable guy and feel like ] was
| committing daylight burglary to grab the
| coin. And If any right nice looking aver
! age New York girl, logged out in dimity
dress at centimes the yard. couldn't
hand Elaine cards and spades and big
! casino when 1t came to looks, conduct
and general headwork, then I'd turn my
slate the wrong way of the track and
quit making book.
i've got a whole lot better place to
live in at the purely nominal rental Of
$4J a month than Raphael ever saw in his
life. There may not be many gargoyles
o. minarets or cupolas and things on 1t as
Raphael was accustomed to, but it's
head sight healthier for a human being
to live and flop himself around comfort
ably in
These good old times may have been
all right while they were happening, but
after a careful summary of the game
find that 1906 and the very latest date
| thereof before going to press, suits me
right down to the soil, and beneath the
same And I'll bet a nickers worth of
| gum that any one of the shines of the
| ancient day would rather live ten minutes
under the present regime than ten years
under the frame-up that went when they
were prancing around Not many foxier
ones were made than w. Shakespeare
| and can just see Bits eyes sticking out
| with 10y as he hops aboard a trolley car,
picks out a rear seat. lights up "A ten
center spreads out his paper and begins
to enjoy himself And | can see the ex-
preston OF rapt joy ON his map when
he steps off at the end of his ride and
! hurls three high balls into his system In
quick succession. instead Of quart or
insipid and non-jarrIng Jack.
I'm satisfied son. The only kick I've
got coming is that ! wasn't postponed
until 1906, by which time there ought to
be plenty of action for a stack of white
clips"
Attractive ads. are illustrated. Let
tL~ al