davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
HUMOR OF THE Day


your clock is always an hour fast
Yes. you see my husband has got an
other job, and he has to be there at
hour aesrso On y 50 mat t should not seem 50
hard for him. -Maggendorfer Batter
George" said Mrs. Dresser, looking up
from her. papa. what is meant ~
church militant?'
s.What7 I said church militant .
oh, thought you said church millin-
ery-''-Phnadelphia Press
Magfstrate-You are accused OF attempt
ing to hold pedestrian up at ? O'Clock
this morning. What have you to say IN
your own behalf?
Magistrate mean an alibi7
Prisoner-Weli, call II what you like, but
the floor with the baby at the hour men
toned in the eharge.-Chicago News.
do you leave your valuables in the ho-
tel safe when you go to summer re-
"oniy when leave."-Judge.
stHerel you, sir" cried the irate old
gentleman, didn't I tell you never to en-
mo. SIT" replied his daughters persist
ent suitor You said not to cross your
Philadelphia Press.
Nv hat brought you here, my friend9 y
asked the phtlanthropic visitor at the PEN
itentiary.
'.UnsuccessfulI. authorship" answered
the man in cell Al
How could there be anything criminal
in that2 Please explain J"
was busily engaged on little work
on the national currency. when the secret
service men swooped down on me and
caught me with the tools in my hand
Chicago Tribune.
Publisher-Tn the fifth chapter you tell
OF the heroine falling overheard IN mid
ocean and being surrounded by huge
sharks. Isn't 1t highly improbable that
she should escape?
Author-Not at all These are man-eat-
ing 'sharks.-Boston Transcript.
Employer-what. then. are your de-
Committee of Union-we want more
money and shorter hours SOS we can have
The multimillionaire was very consider
ate OF the strange young mans welfare.
tAh. my poor brother he said in sfIkv
tones, are YOU serving Mammon?' p
NO, sir, replied the young man as he
reached IN his pocket, I am serving
With a wild leap the rnuItinillionaire
reacheq his motor car and vanished to-
ward the state line.-Chicago News.
Caler-Does that girl in the next flat
play the piano by ear or by note?
Suffering Neighbor-Neither. She PLAYS
by brL~e strength--Exchange
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
REFLEoTIoNs o. a RAcHE1oB


from the New York Press
IN IN ms Worlo you get kicked for being
A woman doesn't have to have verv
big feet to get mad about some other
woman's small ones.
II a woman begged her husband to
drink whisky the way she does to 20 70
church. probably he'd be a prohibition
list.
Il u very committing to a woman 70
mink Wnat GOOD daughter she would
have been to her parents IL she hadn't
had her own children to look after.
A man has to have a good temper not
to get mad with himself for THINKING ~
q good lie he might have told his vie
only after ne had told her a poor one ta
explain Why he got home SO iats.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

on American goods that viii made
equal the prices those goods are sold
for in both countries and that is about
what the impairment Democrats Of
our country are clamoring for. or
something like that.
TN England nobody pays any at
tention to the Conservative party, and
in America the Democratic party is
regarded as much of a joke.
And so there is another dead issue
selling cheaper abroad than at
home"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
Watching Diamond Miners.


The close watch kept on the dia-
mond miners at Kimberly is well IL
lustrated by the following story in
the August Worlds Work. An officer
of the De Beers Corporation had
been under the surveillance of de-
tectives for a year. The men at the
general offices thought that he was
spending more money than he was
earning. One day after the detective
had followed the man for a whole
year, had played poker with him.
visited saloons with him, and watched
every movement. another officer of
the company approached him, and
laying his hand upon his shoulder
said:
4 want to congratulate you
What about?" asked the object Of
suspicion.
"why. you're all right. You're an
honest man."
"Of course, I'm an honest man.
What do you mean ?s
The explanation was made The
suspected man learned that the de-
tective who had followed him had
been his closest personal friend all
made, how much money he won, how
much he spent in high living, and how
much for the necessities of life.
Nov, according to our accounts of
your doings for these weeks and
days" said the official to the man IN
der suspicion, you ought to have just
e in your pocket this moment
The man who had been Swallowed
365 days thrust his hand into his
pocket and found just a trif1e less than
f3.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
IN KANSAS.

Atchison points with pride to 80
saloons handled in such a manner as
to meet with the approval Of a big ma
jority of the very best people Of the
town." And this in a state where a
saloon is presumed to be an outlaw and
officers take a solemn oath to enforce
the laws.-Concordia Blade.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
OUR INSURANCE REFORM.

Judge Gaynor of Brooklyn on in
surance REFORM The governor Of
the Bank of England, the greatest
money institution in the world, gets
only $1,000 a year, the president Of
the Bank of France. which comes next
$500, and the president of the I'M
periaI German Bank, $500. But in
the name of reform, we call a strang-
er and pay him $4,000 a year out of
widows and orphans funds. Albany
Argus.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
Big Money for CantaIoupes.


Big things were expected from the
melon industry in the valley this year,
but bigger things are being realized.
Shipments of cantaIoupes from Braw-
ley alone thus far aggregate $50 car
loads, and the prices have been all
that were hoped for. Holtville is also
making q good thing out of the crop,
though the acreage was much smaller.
The present expectation is that
Brawley will make a record this year
of ESQ carloads of melons, sold at an
average price of $500 a car to the
growers This would distribute $685.
600 among the farmers of BrawIey,
and the prosperity of the town is ad-
Vancing greatly as result.
One of the peculiar features of the
industry thus far developed this sea
son is on the Hart ranch, near I'm
perial. Mr.. Hart sold the property
several months since for $50 an acre,
retaining this summers crop. From
eight acres of the farm he is expecting
to sell $4,000 worth of cantaloupes, a
large portion of which has already
been marketed. Land worth $50 an
acre that will produce a $3.50 crop is
a novelty in farming.
The labor problem is a perplexing
one at Brawley. The season brought
together a large number of men, many
of them pretty tough specimens of
humanity and many of the better
ones left the valley for the Fourth
leaving the farmers short of labor
and with a surplus of villainy on their
hands. This problem illustrates the
fact that the cantaloupe is a culture to
be grown here. as in Colorado, in
small areas enabling the farmer to
personally care for his crop with the
least possible outside help.-Imperial
Standard.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

W. D. Vincent, Kansas famous Popu-
list ex-congressman, is a brother-in-
law Of Governor Mead. the Republican
governor of Washington; and now it IS
stated that Horace Keifer, PopuIfst can
dsdate for governor Of Kansas. Is a
cousin Of the general counsel Of the
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Admitting that the seismologists are
right who maintain that the earth
Quakes are due to radio activity. what
method can they suggest likely to per-
suade radio to remain quiet or at lea 81
to moderate its activity ?-Leavenworth
Times.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

"GirIs!" quietly called old but emil
nently astute Aunt Broadhead.
Ma am ?" they replied, as they dut-
tered obedientix to her.
Always remember, girls, that when
a man processes to have 'fatheriy
interest inyou his own daughters need
it: that your own fathers can suffl-
ciently supply you with 1t, and that It
is the eldest Of all stories, save one in
the world. Puck.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Secretary Coburn's figures indicate
that immigration to western Kansas
continues at a rapid rate. And the
people who are going into western Kan
sas now are going there to stay.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Vice President Fairbanks bought a
farm in Illinois not long ago. If. after
he looks over Kansas land this week,
he can resist the temptation to invest
in a string Of Kansas farms he viii be
doing what some men can't do-if they
have the prica
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
HEI.PINc RRIsTOW,

You will notice that the old Burton
gang is attempting to throw the jeve-
lin into Joe Bristow. The Salina editor
may never be United States senator,
but real bitter fight against him by
the gang of political pirates of whom
j. R. Burton was chief would come
mighty near electing him.-Parsons Sun.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Among those who are fussing be-
cause the railroads would not haul
cars emblazoned with Bryan banners,
the name of Roger Sullivan. OF Hi
lnois, is conspicuously absent.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
THEIR STORIES.

press company for $4,000 for losing a
manuscript containing the story of her
life. Some women would be glad to
lose the STORY of their lives and would
consider themselves lucky could they
get rid of it as easily as did the Chi
cago woman.-Lindsborg News.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

The New York Evening Post is al
most as much displeased with President
Roosevelt's reformed spelling policy as
II was over his Panama policy.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Another important development in the
Cuban revolution: The president and
vice president are calling one another
names and making faces at each other.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

A viudictive public is awaiting further
news from the grand jury room as to
whether it will have the opportunity Of
pointing the finger of scorn some more
1t John D. Rockefeller.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

It is asserted that two-thirds of the
voters OF Russia cannot read and write.
Would it be any wonder if popular
government in Russia should prove a
zsilure2
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Western Union Telegraph company.
The Populist party appears to be close
~ related now to its old-time enemy
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Los Angeles claims to have gained
1900 in population in three months.
Los Angeles has an idea that one must
ride in a motor car in order to keep in
sight of its population figures.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

People who say that the rich are
never reached by the law viii have an
other guess coming If these Standard
OH indictments stick
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

This appears to be the open season
EoE Russian generals.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Z A press censorship has been instituted
an Cuba just as though that dinky lit
tie revolution amounted to something
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Mr.. Carnegie is said to be a poor
speller. Perhaps that is the reason why
Andy endorsed this denaturized form
of spelling.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

A Boston girl. it is stated, has re-
eeived 1000 offers Of marriage. She
must be getting them in wholesale lots.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Mr.. Bryan says he will not be inter
viewed about persons or politics, but
why doesn't some one try spelling re-
form on him2
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

You viii note that It is a private
e1kizen from Lincoln, Neb., who is lead
ing the strenuous life these days.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

II Il is proper. we would like to in
zuire Il those girl bomb-throwers il
auaaia throw any in-shoots.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
ENGAGED m ADvANCE-

We INFER that the Missouri Repub-
lican campaign committee had signed
Secretary Shaw before the Iowa con-
vention.-Detroit News.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
WHAT THEY NEED.

Secretary Bonaparte might have
found more persons agreeing with him
IL he had recommended a shave, hair
cut and bath for the anarchists
Washington Post.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Alton B. Parker is another gentle
man whose name is not prominent
among those present" at the Bryan re
neption.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

The Union Pacific wheat train that is
now touring western and central Kan
sas ought to be a great thing for the
wheat-raisers along that line Of road.
and It is evident that the farmers ap-
preciate it from the way in which they
are turning out to meet the train and
hear the lectures given by the wheat
SPECIALISTS which it carries
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

One of the do-funnies that they put
on automobiles is the odometer. The
next thing in line is an odormeter.-
Lindsborg Record.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

The Wichita Eagle screams that the
Republican state ticket ''is up against
q non-adhesive immiscibility," and no
diagram accompanies it. It probably
means the pie counter.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

The rights Of the people are being
more and more abridged by the tyr
ant trusts. Here the railroads refuse
to haul cars with Bryan banners on
them. Has it come to this? Is not
America a free country? Shall not the
people be allowed to display whatever
banners, foolish or otherwise. they de-
sire7 Must we fight for our rights?
7V0yvI
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
RECIPR0rITY

We will not mind putting dates
upon our tin cans if London viii agree
to put dates on Punch's 5okes.=Chi-
cago Inter Ocean.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

The Toledo treatment for ice trusts
appears to be extremely beneficial in a
humber OF other cities also.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

be secured for the Panama canal. And
BET no one has wanted to steal it.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
FULL LEASED WIRE REPORT
OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

The State Journal IS a member Of the
AAB0ciated Press and receives the fun day
telegraph report of that great news or
TzIiaation for the exclusive afternoon
publication in Topeka.
The news is received in The State Jour
bal building over wires for this sole pGr-
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Incidentally Vice President Fairbanks
gin see a mighty fine state this week
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
FRON OTHER PENS


Those who see at some more or less
remote date theFa absorption of Can
ada into the United States underrate
the strength or canadian rationalism.
By the constitution of the United
States, as it now exists, Canada could
not enter as a federation. but only by
provinces, which would then become
states Of the union. and the federal
name would become a mere geo.
graphical expression. Canada, ma
ton, would then have no meaning; her
history would cease and her flag be
furled forever.
Canadian patriotism is the great
barrier against annexation to the re-
public which does not regard inde-
pendent nationhood with favor. But
it is this development within the Brit
ish empire which affords the best hope
of an ultimate federation of the ma
lions Of the world. BY the persistence
OF the sentiment of individual ma
sionality within the United Kingdom
itself, the way was paved for the rise
of great governing states within
the empire. That process is capable
OF indefinite expansion in even more
elastic forms. and can be adapted to
meet any and every condition. The
constitution of the United States does
not permit of free adaptation, and the
inclusion OF Canada must be preced-
ed by an alteration in that constitu-
ton itself unless Canadians are pre-
pared to erase the dominion from the
roll of nations.-Toronto World
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31
IN TEN YEARS TO COME.

We hope that at the end of the next
decade of What to Eats career, we
will be able to proclaim America the
nation of pure foods; we hope that
such thing as a food adulterator will
be unknown in our land and that the
people will all be blessed with the
purest food products to be found any
where. We believe. with such presi-
dent as Theodore Roosevelt at the
governments head, that such dream
can be realized. There is much to be
attained in the future. however. There
must be honest and uniform state laws
to support the national law. and the
state laws must all be in conformity
with the national law. There must be
waged a war against those dishonest
manufacturers who viii seek every
possible loophole in all laws to evade
them and impose on the public. AS
these loopholes are discovered, they
must be frightened up so as to catch
all the violators in their meshes and
punish them as they deserve So long
as man exists, it seems, there will be
those who would rather subsist by dis
honest methods than by honest meth
DDS, and SO long must the war be
waged between right and wrong
What to Eat
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Your clock is always an hour fast.
Yes you see, my husband has got an
other Job and he has to be there at
instead of 9. so I have put my clock an
hour on, so that il should not seem 50
hard for him. -Maggendorfer Batter
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

do you leave your vaIuables in the ho-
tel safe when you go to a summer re-
sort?''
"oniy when leave."-Judge.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

tHerel you, SIR cried the irate old
gentleman, didn't tell you never to en-
ter this house AGAIN.
No. sir" replied his daughters persist
ent sutton You said not to cross your
threshold. 50 I climbed in the window
Philadelphia Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

mands2
Committee of Union-We want nor
money and shorter hours SOL we can hav
time to spend it.-Puck.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-08-31

Publisher-In the fifth chapter you tell
of the heroine falling overheard in mid
ocean and being surrounded by huge
sharks Isn't It highly improbable that
she should escape?
Author-Not at all These are man-eat-
ing .sharks.-BOstOn TRANSCRIPT.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1906-02-15
To Get Eggs All Winter.

A flock of early hatched pullets
with a comfortable house free from
vermin, with proper ventilation, a
scratch pen and box Of grit, all grain
buried in litter, will do nobly during
the whole winter, but the roosts must
be sprayed with kerosene oil twice
a week; their bodies busted each
month with good insect powder, plenty
Of fresh drink at comfortable temper
ature, green feed such as sliced beets,
steamed clover, or loose cabbage to
pick at freely, all the green cut bone
with clean, fresh, sweet adhering
meat that they will eat at one meal
twice a week must be supplied. A
mash Of middlings with one part In
three Of corn meal in zero weather
stirred thick enough to be crumbly,
oats or wheat at night except in zero
weather when corn should be fed
warm at night are also excellent, pro-
vided only about two-thirds as much
as will be eaten up clean in ten min
utes is fed at a time. Pullets require
more than hens and Leghorns less
than heavier breeds.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1906-02-15

Far and away stretched the waving
grasses and the low hills.
On and on wandered the little boy
He did not know where he was. and
yet he did not weep.
He was a very brave little lad and
q mere child withal, so that, although
lie had lost his bearings, was not
alarmed
For did he not have his nice new
rubber ball with him? And would it
not be fine to bounce 1t about over the
hard smooth ground?
Selecting spot bare Of grass he
threw the ball down, with all his
might.
But it lay lifeless just where it had
alighted.
Again the puzzled lad threw it down.
but the resilient gutta percha spheroid
lay dead and inert exactly as it had
fallen.
Then, as the fearful truth broke
upon the lad, he broke forth into walls
OF despair. He was on the boundless
prairie.-Judge.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1906-02-15
A Twice-TOld Tale.

A Massachusetts lawyer has a notori
ously treacherous memory for details
This failing occasionally leads him to
garble a joke in repeating it. Recent
ly he met friend, who, clapping him
upon the shoulder, said enthusiastical-
ly:
well, old man, this is a fine day for
the race, isn't it?"
"Why, what racer
"The human race" said the friend
and fled.
This was the first time the lawyer
had ever heard this very ancient joke,
SO he determined to get 1t off on the
next man he met-and he did, in this
manner:
Hello, Godfrey, isn't this fine day
for the trot 2"
''Trot-what trOt?"
"By gad," stammered the lawyer.
II swear there was joke there, but
can't find it now ."-Lippincotts.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1906-02-15

Joseph Chamberlain. who won a no
table victory for the tariff -unionist
cause at birmingham, England. and
who will be one of the few members Of
the Balfour government returned to
Parliament, has been member Of the
latter body since 1885. He has been
thrice Mayor of birmingham and serv-
ed as Secretary of the Colonies. PreSi-
dent of the Local Government Board.
and President of the Board of the Or
ganizers of the Unionist party. Mr.
Chamberain's wife is Mary. daughter
of W. c. Endicott. Secretary of War
I'm President Cleveland's first cabinet.
He has been Chancellor of the Univers-
ity of birmingham and also served as
Lord Rector of Glasgow University.
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1906-02-15
Hoods SarsapariI!a

Has surpassed all other medicines, in merit,
sales and cures
Its success great as it has been, has ap-
parently only just begun.
1t received more testimonials in the last two
years than any previous two-over 10000.
1t has the abiding confidence Of the people
the strongest proof of it's unequaled worth.
1t puriies the blood cures all blood dis
eases, all humors and all eruptions
1t strengthens the stomach, creates an
appetite and builds up the whole system.
1t cures that tired feeling and makes the
weak strong.
In usual liquid. or In new tablet form,
100 Doses One Dollar
Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1906-02-15

Leaving the question Of his relative
standing in the profession at large for
further consideration, it is confidently
submitted that Lincoln won a credit
able position at the local bar, almost
at the outset Of his career, among
contemporaries who were not only
capable lawyers, but men Of excep-
tiona force and character Indeed.
it is exceedingly doubtful if the bar
of any other State in the Union pos
sessed as much native talent and abil-
ity as the frontier State of Illinois
when Lincoln won his spurs.-Cen-
fury.