davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Glenwood post., 1906-01-27
PRESS CLIPPINGS

The enterprising Fruita Telegram
got out out o'clock extra on Mon
day to give the mountain water cleo
tion news to its subscribers red hot
Plateau Voice.
Joe LuAen intends installing an
electric lighting plant at his ranch.
providing he has enough water to
furnish power. DeRemer, of Glen
wood has been engaged to come down
and examine the PROPOSE tion. Rifle
Telegram.
more rigid enforcement of the law
prohibiting minors or habitual drunk
ards frequenting saloons, and those
who come under this prescription had
best be careful or they will find them
selves in Jail Journal.
A newspaper offered a prize for the
best answer to the conundrum why
is a Newspaper like Woman2"
The prize was won by lady in Okla,
homa who sent in the following
answer: Because every man should
have one of his own and not run after
his neighbor' s. Exchange.
a superstitious subscri Der found a
spider in his paper and wrote to the
editor asking if it was an evil omen
The editor replied: "It is nothing of
the kind. The spider was merely
looking over the paper to learn who
was not advertising so it could spin
its web across the store door and thus
be free from disturbance.
The merchant who does the most
kicking about people sending to mail
order houses for goods is the one who
does very little advertising in the
home papers. If he would take as
much pains in keeping the public
posted about his goods as the mail Or
der houses do he would have little to
kick about. Delta Laborer
Pilot could have lots more sympa-
thy with the sugar beet industry were
it not an established fact that the
Colorado sugar trust sells 20 pounds
for dollar at Missouri river points
and 12 and IA pounds for a dollar In
the state where it is made. The
trust has its nerve to ask Colorado to
help maintain the tariff on Philippine
sugar. Steamboat Pilot.
Gordon Barnum was on the Denver
market Monday with his grain fed
beef. 1t will not be many years un-
til the majority of the cattle sent
from Routt county will be finished
with grain before shipping. We can
raise the grain and might as well
have the finishing profit as the corn
grower of Kansas and Nebrsska.-
Steamboat Pilot.
new industry has been started in
Nebraska which should command the
attention of the Colorado farmer We
refer to the alfalfa mills. Alfalfa
hay is ground into meal for feeding.
purposes. 1t can be shipped at less
expense than hay. There is no loss
by waste and the meal is nearly as
good for feeding purposes as meal
made from grain. -Longmont Times.
At meeting of the business men
The Glenwood post., 1906-01-27

Steamboat Springs has more enter
prise to the square inch than any
other town in the state. This has
been proven times without number.
Therefore we are going to get this
railroad matter fixed up all right.
The doubter is knocker. The com
mittee having the matter in charge is
laboring earnestly and conscientious.
ly, giving their time and effort, and
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Paying Honest Debts.


A minister at the conclusion Of one
Of his sermons said: Let those in
the house who are paying their honest
debts stand up. /. I. q: ii d., - ss@
Every man, woman and child, with
one exception stood up. ::
After seating them, the minister said,
"Now, every man not paying his debts
standup. - 's:s$ ss5 II. .ss.33
The exception noted, a careworn, hun
gry-looking individually clothed in his
last summer Is suit, slowly arose to his
feet. j s -? Is ....
"How ise Il, my friend, asked the.
minister, that you are the only man
who does not meet his obligations 81 s
81 run a newspaper he meek lyzans
swered, 8 and the brethren who stood
up are my. subscribers, and: zS ~:
"Lets US pray s exclaimed tho min,
lister. / 4 r. Z. SO # ST.. IN. Is. s.. y
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
FIRST PRIZE
This Story Gets So
The Wrong! Hive

Fsf|'They were newly married, and 1:,. on
their honeymoon trip. They put up at
"a skyscraper hotel. The bridegroom
felt indisposed and the bride said she
/ would slip out. and do a e5shopping.
8 In due time she returned and tripped
3 blithely up to her room, little awed
i by the number Of doors that looked all
4salike But she was sure Of her own
3 and tapped gently onssthe: panel:
. ~ - Tim back, honey, let me in" she
r. whispered No answer.
+ Honey, honey, let me In she
called sgain,s rapping louder. Still no
answer. i ~, - :
'sHoney, honey, it's Mabel. Let me
in.' .-...
There was silence for several sec,
onds, then mans voice, cold and full
Of dignity, came ne from the e. other b! side OF
"Madam, this is not beehive; It's
a Bathroom = =
=. 2 ! {. Margaret Greaves.
|. 1929 Pillsbury avenue 8.
r
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
THIRD PRIZE
This Story Gets So.
The Bishop and the Druggist.

One day bishop CHANGED into the
shop of a druggist. who. was very fond
Of a joke-on somebody, else. The
druggist, Wishing to have joke at
the bishops expense, asked
''Bishop, can you tell me the differ
ence between an ass and bishopa'
The bishop could not go:
"Well," said the druggist, smiling
all over, "an ass carries it's cross (bur.
den) upon its back, but bishop car.
ries his cross (of gold) on his breast. y
every good,' replied the bishop, and
then continued, Now, then, my friend
can you tell me the difference between
an ass and a druggist7' M
After, some hesitation the druggist
said: Ono, SIR I cannot.'' "
~ Neither can IL retorted the bishop
as he walked out, H. M.
Austin, Mimi - =
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21

S The urnal repeats its Of
fer for the coming Weeksof s$5 for
IS the best story you ever heard;''
SO for the second best and So for
1.-THE third best. The stories should
be Of humorous character and
mot exceed three hundred words.
new and true stories to be given
the preference, altho good stories
well told in the writer's own
words will be considered in the
competition.
81 Initials can be used as a sigma
ture If desired, but writers should,
not fail to give their names and
addresses plainly at the top. OF
each story submitted. So. a
+ Made the stories short and to
the point: y Introductions are un-
necessary. If possible, get your
story on one or two pages, and
WRITE ONLY ON ONE SIDE OF
THE PAPER. -
Stories or anecdotes in this COM
petition will not be returned. The
| journal reserves the right to
use them when it desires.
Address Best StoryeEditor, Jour-
nal, Minneapolis, Mimi. 49,,
VIII Mrs. r. L. G., who sent the
| story, couldn't Smell It.
awarded second prize last week.
please send name and address,.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Results of Hasty Dictation.

I. The Inspector of schools in a country
district, being in as;hurry to catch a
train, stood in the doorway and en-
deavored to give out dictation to Glass
ftAO in the main room, and at the
same time to give a sum to Glass "RO
in the schoolroom, jerking out a few
words alternately.
This was the sum: elf a couple Of
fat ducks cost four dollars and half,
how many, can be got for twenty one
dollars and thirty-fve eents9" And
the other dictation began thus: ga
lion proving about<in search Of prey =
Naturally enough, }. the poor children, I'M
used to. hurried dictation, heard both
and were badly mixed.
s One girl,s dictation began: "a
couple Of fat ducks prowling about in
search of a lion who had lost four
dollars and fifty cents And "a small
boy in the schoolroom vainly endeav.
ored to solve the mysteries Of this ex
traaordinary sum: IF sseventy-twe
couples Of fat lions cost four dollars
and fifty cents, how much proving
could be got for twenty one dollars ane
thirty-five centsq y Ethel Borden.
1920 Pleasant Avenue.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
WHAT DO YOU CARE?
YOU'VE GoTYoUR HEALTH
Great Natures Do Not Despair at Dis
appointment-Th They Look for Il
Something Else to Do.

The broad -gauged man Of today does
not get blue just because things don't
always come his. way unless there is
something the matter with him. If he
falls down. on one propositions he
Immediately starts to look up another.
He always looks forward and keeps
on hustling. A man with his health
and faculties. has plenty, of aopportuni-
ties and the man who gives up, or even
feels like IT., has either a small nature
or some. physical weakness.
Dyspepsia certainly puts the best Of
men out Of condition for work Of any
kind. You cannot blame the dyspeptic
for getting blue. The very nature Of
his disease iss most depressing and
calculated to deprive him Of ambition,
energy and hope, There is hope for
him, however, certain and sure.
Stuart's Dyspepsia Tablets are rec
ognized throughout the length and
breadth Of the land as the one cure
that s safe and sure. Their un bounded
popularity resulting from the thou
sands and thousands Of cures they
have. effected, PROVE beyond the shadow
Wherein lbs their greatness9 In the
simple REMEDY. they do the exact
work in exactly the same way that
the digestive fluids Of the stomach do
because they are composed of exactly
the same elements and possess the
same properties. They relieve the
weak and worn out stomach Of it's bur-
den Of digestion and permit it, without
let or hindrance, to rest and grow
| sound and well. The stomach will get
well quick enough in its own natural
way if it is let alone. That is what
Stuart g Dyspepsia Tablets do. They
| not only let it alone themselves, but
make the food taken into the stomach
do the same.
You can satisfy yourself Of the truth
Of this statement by putting the food
you would ! eat ;into.sa glass. jar with
sufficient water and zone Of Stuart .
Dyspepsia Tablets. The process Of di
/ gestion will be. taken up and carried
| out just as the gas triics juice and Other
/ digestive fluids would do it. Their ac
/ tion is natural ana they cause no dis
turbance in the digestive organs. il
i fact, YOU forget YOU have stomach
when they begin to do their work, 81
j mild and natural is. the. operation. Stu
arts Dyspepsia Tablets are for sal,
{ by all druggists at SOC box.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
SECOND PRIZE
This Story Gets So
Not Particular.

A young colored gentleman had long
eeurted zthe affections sefz Eliza whoss
cs5sJ1a evefGng she went to BOO h e 81
FIJI ding. t 5sSproppse, s5bat his
heartsfa HE d hing and he left herewith b:
out saying the word sS@ q ~ -
When he had reached the street, his
discrimination came back, and he con;
cluded he would proposeTby phone. So
going to telephone station, he called
fors.the number and Eliza happened#to
answ s;st Yes, this is Eliza,' she said.
After abe had listened for some. time,
she answe s Go 'se 4 IL. marry, you,
honey. 60 ,se r Will. What is de- name
OBJ. de gen 'leman apeakin 'e'' ~. *==5'
Fargo,N. d. Il s=,r:: -. w: e,
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Just as Expected.

a. ears ago in a little eastern village,
the members: Of the community Wed
with each other in the growing Of pigs,
and much pride was taken. in exploit
ing before the eyes Of the local farm
ers the result Of the care and effort
taken with the hogs. j.
One. old man, a character in the town,
had sought for years to surpass the
weight and size, of his neighbors' stock
and finally, when he succeeded in rails
ing an especially fine specimen, he
was asked, just after weighing it, how
much the scales tipped on. a
~ He scratehedsshis head thoughtfuly
.anaathen sasna1ppsd ssut: dlsgpate dy,
10 aIdn,trweighza s much as I
sxpeetea,s AID didn't expect The
would. ~ SsSSsf S s..sAss' e. %s M: G..
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Proved the Contrary.

One afternoon little Willie was seen
running home from school as fast as
his legs would carry him and rushing
into the, back yard picked up one Of
his pet bunnies and commenced to, say,
tsTwo times two-two times. three
two times FOUR
{ Then, giving the poor, frightened
bunny terrible cuff he exclaimed n a
satisfied tone, "There, I knew you
ellis father, who had seen, and heard
Eall, nnobserved;;r said, - Why Willie
what are you doinge". s.. - 80. =" =
- The little lad looking up into his
fathers face, replied "Well, opl
teacher said that rabbits were the
greatest multipliers in the world, and
knew it WASH It 500 E. c.. K.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
A. Ham Sandwich in Winnipeg.

The: Clarendon hotel, Winnipeg, is a
rendezvous for newly arrived cockneys,
who assemble there to meet and greet
each other. Last week two cockneys
were exchanging experiences and one
started to tell the other about some
thing funny which happened on the
train between Montreal and Winnipeg.
,5"I was sittin hopposite a woman. and
choild," said the speaker, "and the
youngster said to its mother, 'Mawma,
7 wants sawnwich. -, ..-- -
= "W lot koind of sawndwieh will you
ave, Samme9' says she. :. =. 49,
ct wants 'am sawndwich,'' says
Sammy.
"You mustn It say am, my DEAR"
says sammy's mother; .'syou re in Can
ada now, you must say am
can the bloomin' joke of it was,' -
said the cockney, punching his friend
in the ribs with a jocose grin, H.they
both tho It they was sayin' 'am!'"
Winnipeg, Man. *: s.. a. =
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
A Conductors Little Mistake.

/ sat in the rear Of the car one night
last summer, listening, Yand trying to
appear as tho I-,were not, to the con-
versation between a young lady and the
conductor of the same car.
They had evidently met before land
were anxious; and willing to meet
again. So, after much changing of
minds and nights on the part of both,
an agreement was made to meet on
the following Friday night, after which
the young lady alighted and the con
.ductor, after gazing from'-4the back
window at her retreating figure and
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21

house. a Now, desF, when the butler
hands you something the first time
take q little on your plate. When he
comes the second time, you may help
yourself TO q little more, but the thru
time yousmhst say No, thank you,
just as you always do at home.''
So the little Boston child went to the
bishop house to lunch, and came home
much delighted with her visit.
Did you sdo s5Ast as told you,
darling9 inquired mama anxiously.
Es1 i took something very nice when it
was handed me sthesf first time, and then
when the butler came again I took a
little more. buts the third time I said,
{ No, Il thank you. But when he came
the fourth time you hadn It told me
what to do, SO I just thought Of papa,
and said, No, -=-- YOU. : = ~ ' 81. !,
Augusta r. Specific, IS
M 1s0 ldrieh avenue N. 8
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21

waving aSlast farewell, stepped TO the
doorway and with the best of good
faith, shouted instead of 4the name of
the next avenue, IS IS Friday night and
the passeng gers smiled and s Wondered
why. Louella LA Selle,
rs. "a 36s Fourth avenue 8.
Mistaken In the Call.
An ambitious young man decided to
study for the ministry, because he
thought the life of a minister was an
easy one to live.
So he went to his Spiritual adviser
and told him Of his wish, The minis
ter questioned him and learning that
he was not sincere, sent him home with
some fatherly advice. u
The young man was not to be dis
couraged, so easily, however, and shortly
after had another interview with the
clergyman, who again sent him home
with more advice.
That evening the young man had a
dream in which he saw the letters Up.
! CT written everywhere. He fastened
to the minister the next morning and
told him Of seeing the letters in his
dream. - \" 8: e-si
tA%And surely" said he, ttthat meant
to; preach; Christ =
"'No, no, my boy replied the min
lister, THAT does not mean to 1lpreach
T Christ that means to 'plow corn. !"
A. j. z.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Not a Protestant.

2asae Pat, did yez hear the news, the,
pope's did. Daea:y1.eea - -: ss.-~ss2
sfNo, and I don't behave It. - 49, -.
tt..But he is, sure
"Oh, go wan now,. ye name Pope,
the bicycle: man. -, %.t = -
"No, I don't; I name pope the
pope; he's did, I. tell yez." w.,
st H2IWell, wei, ,thot's too bad; thot g
too bad. Well, there's wan thing I
hope, anyway"
'fRhwat's thot.' ~ .-..
'fThope that Tiddy r senvilt; won It
be afther. appintin IA blasted Protist-
int.s' ~ 40. Nc.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
He Won the Debate.

The debate in the old school house
had lasted until almost IL 0 clock. The
question was: Resolved, That war
has caused more misery to humanity
than Intoxicating liquors.
Finally a strong, husky Norwegian
rose to close the debate, and said:
'.seDet has ban some putt guide argu-
mentation on bot pages Of dis question.
Men,, 7 do not know, what the yoory
will do. I tank for my part I rather
tax drink whisky dan bullet. ~,
The decision was in his favor.
Glenwood, MINI. e. T. IL. B..
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Pre,s Is Not I; Z Christians s,

About, twenty years ago, in a small
town in Illinois, harrison the boy
preacher, was preaching one night at a
revival, meeting. s% Isl 8s# ,S fSss
The. house was crowded and the lit
tie boys were asked to come and sit
around the altar. This town had three
churches Methodist, Presbyterian and
Christian, and there was the rivalry be-
tween them that often exists in small
towns. .,@.z,>.S::@
When the sermon was over and the
preacher asked sinners to the altar, he
asked each little boy if he, was Chris
tian, and one little fellow said: =. !
emo, sir! We are all Presbyterians
at our house, Charlie Blair.
Claremont, MINI. . >. -. -: ~
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
What an Anthem Is.

Two old British sailors were talking
over their shore experiences. One
had beenst ascathedral and had heard
some very fine music and was deeant-
ing ficulasly upon an anthem which
gave him pleasure His shipmate lis
tened forSSa while and then said: 81
say, Bill, what s a hanthem7 +"
W:What?o replied Bill, do you
mean to- say you don t know what a
liant hem IL? , { H. So.
Not me. ,
49, Well, then, II tell yer. II ] was
to tell yer, Ere, Bill, give me that
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
8 Corrugated It Just the Same.

: In Latin class at one Of our uni
versities the professor called upon a
certain young man to conjugate a verb.
The young man was not paying atten-
ton at the moment and did not hear
what the verb was. He became some
what embarrassed over the situation
for he did not want to display guilt by
asking the professor TO repeat, SO he
nudged his neighbor gently and whis-
'pered:. "say, Bill, what was the
sYerb7N 0 ss
81 BillEdidssnot know;ssso hes answered:
SBe-dam -if-I7know.' S
The young man, thinking he had it.,
was greatly relieved, Strengthened up
in his seat and began rapidly:
tBedamnifno. ~.
"Bedamnifnas.
HBedamifnat.s ~sz 81!
49, Bedamifnamus. % /.
H'gss Bedanifnatis :., ss
Bedanlnifnant. 81 80
tSBedamifna b-The young man mo-
ticed his mistake and left the room.
Madison, Wis. -H.sT.J. !.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Watching His Toothache.

A young boy had just encountered
the horrors Of a dentist by way of hay
ing a tooth extracted. Turning to the
dentist he asked him for his late tooth.
The dentist rather jokingly asked the
lad what he wanted it for. The young
ster,, with half smile on his face, re-
piled: W =ss
".Well, I'm going to take It home,
put it On a plate, fill it, with sugar,
and with smile Of triumph
"watch it ache.' E. M. II.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Left Off, a Letter.

A certain woman had been a great
Christian worker, and when she died
her husband wanted to inscribe some,
thing on her tombstone that would in.
dictate it. After he had done a great;
deal Of thinking, he decided that the
shortest and most appropriate @inscrip-
tion would be, - Oh, Lord, but she was
thine.'
But when it was engraved upon the
tombstone, there was not enough space
for the final re- -Thyra Lund,
1901 Humboldt avenue N. I -.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
s,{Ss.- 4,
OVercroWded.

Nearly half a million people live in
tenement houses and cellars in New
York. There is story Of an inspector
who found four families living in one
room, chalk lines being drawn on the
floor to mark out each family's quar-.
tiers. Elbow do you get along here3s'
inquired the inspector. every well,
SIR" was the reply, only the man ID
the furthest corner keeps boarders. -
F. A.. w.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Put q Stick In It.

- Little Mary was anxious to do some
thing for her mother who was i'll. so
she was delighted when told she could
make mama a glass of Lemonade !
When the drink was .brenght it con
tanned rather a large silver of wood.
On being asked, rather reproachfully,
what, that thing, was, Mary answered.:
"Why, that Is the stick. Papa said
lemonade tasted better when there was
a stick in it. - M. T.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
A Grammatical Misunderstanding.

A small girl was sent to the store
for some eggs. Looking about and see
ing none, she said to the grocer,
/" Amt you dot no eggs9"
. The grocer said, ri amt said I
ain t, have IT,
Then the little girl replied, "I ain It
asst you is you ain t, asst you you is
you is, is you9'' IN. A. Fl.
3o44 Columbus avenue. Minneapolis,
MINI.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
It Puzzled Him.

q A man, while wandering in the vii
lage cemetery, saw and read with sur
prise, the inscription:
!" A Lawyer and An Honest Man
The man scratched his head and look
ed at the monument again. He read
the inscription over and over. Then
he walked all around the monument and
examined the grave closely. Another
man in the cemetery approached and
asked him: 81
Have you found the grave Of an
old friends'
"No," said the first man, but i
was wondering how they came to bury
those two fellows in one grave.
Willard, MINI. &C. r. A. "
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
News Section.
JOURNAL PRIZES FOR THE
BEST STORY YOU EVER HEARD"
Some Selections of Letters from Readers Who
Enjoy Telling theJokes that Have Made Them Laugh.

'andspike, that wouldn It be hanthem.
But if I was to say, Bill, Bill, Bill!
Civ, Civ, Civ me that-Bill-Giye me,
give me that hand, give me that hand
handspike, spike spike; Bill, give, me
that, that hand-handspike, hand
handspike, spike spike spike ahmen,
ahmen. Bill, give me that handspike
spike-Ah--men!' why, that would be
a hanthenl. - M. L. E.
Brookings, s. D.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21
Just as at Home.

A Boston mother was instructing
her little daughter how to behave when
she went to luncheon at the bishop )
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-21

10 n Satufd day Whens TotheEaWill
6 Has come from school to stay I
All Saturday night and Sunday e
A. To have a holiday, n
The baby jumps and crows to see
! That brother dear has come, =.
TT And then the two must have
game, t
r And see if Jack g at home.
So brother makes a dreadful
- with fingers and with thumb,
- To catch, the baby when she
Y tries a4S1
- =. To find if Jack Is at home.
- On Sunday night when all are
S Safe gathered round the fire,
And he who loves the Joy Of home
Z u Has found his heart g desire,
Little Rob at mothers knee,
NJ Down in the soft freight,
=. Says: 8 Ask the baby, mama,
n What we shall say tonight.
~ "What shall we say for baby
81 Before she goes upstairs9'
A And baby ,shyly whispers:
II dess We'll say our pray.
7 ers.
.t~s g lfg :. "A. L. Sykes.