The Crittenden record. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1904-1907, 1906-07-27
He Heard
The Report

Htsss@f|toth
ternoon last week. The discouraged
looking proprietor leans on showcase
In which are displayed several brands
Of prepared meats. A woman enters,
evidently an old customer. Without
altering his position the delicatesssn
man nurses an abrased forehead.
The woman (pleasantly)-Good az
ternoon. Mr.. Imbleheimer. Isn't II
warm to-day? Now, you must help me
out We are not going to have a heavy
dinner this evening. only cold lunch
con, and what to get for 1t don't
know, seeing that
Delicatessen Man (gloomily1-If It
had been two weeks ago, Mrs. Third
fiat. ] would have suggested nice
cold cut, maybe a potato salad. some
English preserves, thin. sliced bread.
waters and tea, but
She tdelightedly)-Why, that sounds
nice. Why can't have 1t now7
Havent you any OF those things in
stock?
Delicatessen Man (mournfully)-In
stock. ma'am; I've got nothing but
stock, but
She-Now, you mustn't grow dis
couraged. | know those horrible reve-
lations have affected your trade, but
you known we do not believe every
thing we read In the newspapers. No,
indeed. and II there Is anything par
ticularly nice we will take II, that is,
OF course, II you are sure II Isn't af-
fected. Let me see. the cold cut comes
first. What would be nice for that7
Delicatessen Man (hopefully)-Weli.
there's some nice fresh roast beef.
It's
She (surprised)-Mr. Imblehelmer.
tina. would-um-just wait, Mr.. I'M
bleheimer. Have you ever heard Of
lumpy Jaw?
Dellcatessen Man (who has Just un.
earthei the teef from the Ice chest)-
What did you say the gentleman's
name vas. Mrs, Thirdnat, Llmpy John
She tsomewhat ooldly)-I did not say
Limpy John. Mr. Tmbleheimer I said
lumpy jaw. That's something awful
that roast beef suffers from. the report
says.
He treslgnedly)-All right. ma'am,
we will leave out the beef II you want
TO and take an extra slice of chicken.
It's
She (more coldly)-Chicken! Mr..
lmbleheimer, did you say chicken :
Not II know H. Didn't you read what
the report said about chicken? I'm
sure Il said something about chicken
how they take the poor. innocent lit
lie chicks and keep them in cold stor-
age for years until they grow large
enough. The brutes. to keep the poor
little things in that cold atmospheric
And low do We know that II may be
EXCELSIOR aud bituminous coal. The
only chicken that will ever come into
my home will be q live one, bringing
with II a doctors certificate that {; Is
not suffering from a chronic allment
And viii attend TO the slaughter my.
self Never say chicken to me, Mr..
lmbleheimer.
Del,oatessen man (wiplng the per.
SEPARATION from him face)-Excuse me,
maam. guess it's the heat. didn't
mean to insult you. Well. that leaves
some nice cold lamb and some tongue,
With u strip OF ham.
She tfreezingly)-Mr. Imbleheimer.
told you that We were not disposed 10
he led away by sensational federal re-
ports OF anything. but do you know
that you have actually offered me
lamb. ham and tonguel Do you want
me to give my children something that
might give them a taste for boacie
acid and formaldehyde all their lives,
besides subiecting them TO trichinosis,
CHAMBERS, and that thing they call the
botts7 II you have nothing better to
DO than to ofier me such things, will
20 elsewhere.
tshe departs and the dslicatesses
mans head drops on the showcase.l
(He is aroused by some one Juggling
AZ his hair)
DelicatcSsen Man tgrufiyl-what 10
Il. little girii
Little Girl dropping a can OF ported
ham ON the showcase. cracking the
classify nav says to please send
vp ten CENTS worth of herring instead
OF this ham you sold the other day 10
my little brother She says my paw
will come around and see you about n
this evening II he gets out OF couri
Cor beating up those three EyetAlians
IN time.
(The exchange N effected and ths
despondont position IA resumed TO bs
Interrupted by tall man. who grab,
the delioatessen mans head and
bumps It vigorously against the seales)
Tall Man tindiguantly)-You viii
sell my wife boz Of sardIncs, you
old murderer. will you' Want to an
us up on butterine and cloverdales
and those other thingsl Want TO have
US svallerin' gas. pants buttons and
missing workmenl ought TO throw
you into one Of those vais that Teller
wrote about Now. you take back thess
eardlnes, and you give me u cents
worth o cheese quick. or you1l wish
you was an embalmed beef and that
soon. Get move onl"
wife-what will we have for dime,
tonight, John?