davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

Tie MakCth a Few Observations Upon
the Clutch x Fashion. and Draw
eth HeipSul Moral TheTsfrom.
Ny son, hearken unto the words Of wis
dom.
Behold. there was a woman. and ner
name was Ina Nuther, and the place of
her abode IS not written in the book that
is called the City Directory
And she said unto herself. Verify. I
must get me new garments and a new
hat for my head. for all the other women
have them.
And she made speech unto her husband
telling him this.
And her husband gr0aned with a loud
groan and said, Another dress and an
other hat? IL is not three months since
thou made my bank account look like
unto a penny collection when thou gottest
thy fall raiment. or thy late summer raj
ment. or something
But Ina Nuther said unto her husband
whose name was Heeza Nuther. Hast
thou not read that the fashions have
changed
And her husband. being a foolish man
and having little Wit, did say that ne
would go with her even unto the market
places where dresses and hats were ex-
posed for barter and sale and he would
see that she got what she should get and
did not pay too much therefor.
And IL was so.
Now. on day went Heeza Nuther and
his wife, Ina Nuther, TO the market
places
And Heeza Nuther asked Of a floor
walker where they should go for q hat.
haf do
reply Ina Nuther began telling unto him
the manner of hat she wanted. also de-
scribing with much anguish the terrible
time she had with the plumes which she
got last spring
And while they were standing and talk
ing there came into the place a number of
women. seeking raiment and they pushed
into them, and they pressed Heeza NuIner
against the wall. and they stepped upon
his toes, which were afflicted with corns.
Whereat he made moan and did say
many things
And when he looked up, behold. his wife
was not there. And he asked OF the
hoorwalker where he might find his wife.
And the 1ooTwalker told him that ne
should go three aisles down and eight
aisles over and take the elevator unto the
fifth floor, and then 90 fourteen aisles
across and turn to the left
And Heeza Nuther did so, but he found
not his wife, for she was not there.
And all that day he counted aisles. and
when the evening was come he was fain
10 perish from weariness. and he inquired
the way out, and he was led out even as a
blind man.
And when he was returned unto his
home he found that his wife had pur-
chased two hats because the wife of Gotta
Lott had bought two. and likewise had
purchased four dresses because the wife
of Spenda Heep had four dresses.
And Heeza Nuther sat him down and
wept.
My son. it is folly for him that is going
to get the worst of it TO so and ask for
more Of It.
is 1t not so. even as we have ripped it
from the bias ribbon of this typewriter?
Yea, even more so. Selah.
WILBUR NESBIT.
Copyright. 1906 by W u. Nesbit}
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
THE INNOCENT BYSTANDER
THE PERFECT CHILD.

The Perfect Child is one who don't
say "ain't- and cant and ~shan't' and
won't
Who never gObbles when he eats
Who household gossip ne'er repeats,
Whose hands and face are always clean,
Whose clothes are never. never seen
Besmirched with mud, or torn by nails:
Who never sulks, or frOwns, or walls.
The Perfect Child speaks not 20 you
Unless he first is spoken TO;
He never makes the door go bang.
He never uses naughty slang.
He's always gentle IN his play;
Yes, ma'am," or NO, ma'am,r he Will
say
But ., wherever YOU may roam
You never find that Child at home
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

she wants to vote. the franchise is hers.
We dare say that if she should take 1t
into her head to disfranchise that useless
appanage Of the body polite, that drone
in the industrial hive. Man. she would do
so and make short .shrift of him.
Our beleaguered brother across the sea
has been too long an oppressor. Now he
is getting what comes to all tyrants in
the fulIness of time. He has to organize
10 protect himself. His motto is one for
all and all for one a brave motto. but
it Will be Of no avail II Is too late. The
worm has turned. In earlier and darker
days of the race. the situation might have
been remedied. For example. ponder the
tragic fate of Hypasia. She was the
greatest mathematician produced by the
marvellous civilization of Alexandria,
when that proud city was the worlds
capital Of learning and culture. Not
man in all the confines Of the Roman en-
pire was her equal in mathematics The
stern sex went down before her powerful
reasoning. Then the stern sex-cOward
that it is-tUrned upon the luckless Hypa-
sia to keep her in her proper place, She
was lynched by mob Of infuriated mas
culine interiors. Not only was she lynch
ed. but. if Gibbon is to be believed. her
skull was cut open in order that the jeal-
Gus men might look at her brain to deter
mine, If possible. why they had been IN
able TO keep her in her proper place
Some such spirit as this controlled the
Sinking creatures TO the number Of eight
who assembled in London the other day.
No such number could be got together in
the United States for the same object
Woman has her proper place here. She has
made it herself. And where is the free
born American man who dares say her
nay or even TO chirp ever so gently
against the established order?
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Echoing Round the worId.

From the Boston Herald
The Root speech is echoing round the
world The Partisan newspapers repro
duce the salient portions OF IT, and one
OF them puts it side by side with Aris-
tophanes famous anathema against
CleOn. the demag0gue, following them
both up with Macaulay's memorable let
ter of warning written 10 an American
friend who Wanted that his country was
beyond the reach OF demagogic rawlings
against the imaginary tyranny OF intelli-
gence and prosperity. II makes an inter
esting and Impressive grouping.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Why the Lecture ENDED.

Prom LiDUiuCots S.
a certain professor was giving his
pupils a lecture on Scotland and the
Scots" These handy men,. he said.
think nothing Of swimming across the
Tay three times every morning before
breakfast.
Suddenly a loud burst Of laughter came
from the center Of the hall. and the pro-
fessor amazed at the idea OF any one
daring TO interrupt him in the middle
OF his lecture. angrily asked the offender
what he meant by such conduct.
I was just thinking. sir. replied the
lad, that the poor Scotch chaps would
find themselves on the wrong side for
their clothes when they landed"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Passing of Bahcock.

The Third Wisconsin district has been
striving persistently, even desperately, for
years to pry the Hon. Joseph Weeks Bah
cock loose from his seat In Congress, and
now, it seems, Il has succeeded.
II is the Third Wisconsin districts af-
fair, and We have not a word 10 say as
10 the wisdom or lack of wisdom in
volved in thus retiring this sleek, we'll
fed statesman to private life.
Ordinarily, when a conspicuous sOlon
passes. especially if, perchance, he hap
pens TO have had hand in running the
District of Columbia, we point TO the
noble service he rendered and lament
bitterly his untimely taking off. It is the
polite thing TO do. It serves the purpose
OF an application of arnica TO soothe the
soreness Of the departing lawmaker
IN the case Of the Hon. Joseph Weeks
Babcock, however. The Washington Her
aid finds it impossible 10 dissemble. j.
leaves the assembling to others While
politely disposed. it prefers to be truthful
He will be missed, We are sure, but he
can be spared. Duly thankful for all his
kindly offices, we have a conviction al
ready that the District VIII erect no mon
ument to his memory. The Capital City
viii become reconciled Immediately
Things may not go on in the same old
way-in fact, we are sure they won't
but they viii go on
Greater Washington will survive with
out him. It viii try its best, anyway.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Did Not Count.

FT0ni Hauer's Wcekly
There is a small boy in Pittsburg who is
intensely patriotic. and who is. as rule
q very well-inf0rmed Sunday-school stu
dent. Net long ago there were some Wis
itors, and Tommy's teacher, wishing to
show CT her class to the best advantage
called upon him to answer a series Of
questions. All went well until the very
usual one, who was the first man?'
George WashingtOn-frst in war. first
in Tommy began enthusiastically, but
the teacher hastily interrupted.
No. no. dear; you mean Adam, don't
you?"
oh, if you are talking about Dagoes,
| s'pcse ne might be" admitted Tommy.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
A LITTLE NONSENSE.
ALL OVER.

Put the rOOrback away.
The election IS Ger
Snooze the boomerang may
Now for months twenty-four.
Let the worthy canard
Have a little rest.
They have all iabOred hard.
They have worked with zest.
Let the pride-pOinting man
Ease his OverwOrked arm,
And console, If he can,
Him who viewed with alarm.
Let US Danish our fears;
We shall need them no more
For another two years.
The election is O'cr.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
inst Sho,rinr Him.

FROM the Chicago Record Herald.
There is where Rev. DR.. Cooley lives. %
she said.
Yes What about him?'' he asked.
"Oh. nothing. Right across the street
there is the home CT Mr. Plunkett"
"Plunkett? Who is he?"
Don't you know? He Is -the-ah-
clerk who issues the marriage licenses"
Anything remarkable about him?''
'NO-Oh no. nothing at ALL G0od-by. !
think I'll run in here and call on Mrs.
Wesley. She's always so interesting"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Hysterin in Chicago.

From the Chic7go Chronicle.
If there were more newspapers like the
Chronicle and more statesmen Ike Theo-
dore Roosevelt and Elihu Root malicious
perverts with twenty millions of unearned
money to squander in the corruption of
their fellow men would soon come to the
gallOWs
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
GarneId,s RAND Rise.

The rise OF James Rudolph Garfield po-
nucally has been the most rapid and
meteoric. Of any man connected with the
Roosevelt administration. and when he
enters the Cabinet next March as Secre-
tary Of the Interior he will be one of the
youngest men ever intrusted with so i'm
portant a post. Mr. C0rtelyou. who from
The position Of stenographer 70 a Demo
cratic Fourth Assistant Postmaster Gen
ersl. has, IN twelve years. been brought
within reach Of the second most impor-
tant Cabinet portfolio. that Of Secretary
OF the Treasury was few months short
OF forty-one years Of age when appointed
- his first Cabinet position by President
Roosevelt that Of Secretary OF Commerce
and Labor. Mr.. Garfield is just past
forty-One. The only other office ne held
before he was called 20 Washington by
President Roosevelt to become a member
Of the Civil Service Commission was that
Of a State senator in Ohio. He served in
that Office one term. and then made an
unsuccessful contest against the Hon. Ja-
cob BeidIer for nomination for Congress.
Aft r that defeat he began the practice
Of law IN Cleveland with "a younger broth
er. Another brother. by the way is
lecturer at Princeton on politics and cog
nate themes, That the President thinks
very much Of Mr.. Garfield Is shown by
the fact that about two years ago he Of
fered him an appointment 10 the Federal
bench in Ohio which was declined for the
reason that Mr. Garfield desired event
ually 10 make for himself political ca
reer. He told the President this frankly.
and the President as frankly declared
that he would do all he could 10 advance
his interests. The President calls him
Jimmy" and esteems him as one Of the
best tennis players in Washington.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Farors senarnte schonIs,

From the Sacramento Union.
The protest against mixed schools is.
in the judgment of the Union, well
founded and entirely justihable. Our
schools are maintained for the training
of our own children, not az agencies for
the Amerieanizatcn OF foreign and alien
races which have no natural or possible
part in our civilization.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Having IL Understood.

johnny. asked the Senator's wife.
won't you wash your ears just to please
your poor MOTHER
I guess so. But understand, ma, this
Is no precedent"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

aspirations for better things? No Ameri-
can has a finer chance to retrieve HIM
self, and there is no thoughtful citizen
but viii wish that his power over the
masses might be more sanely and wisely
guided.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

Mr.. Croker says "Tammany never lost
anything in a fight for principle" Still,
Tammany might try that sort of fight
once and see what would happen.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Not Enough.

"You ought to eat frazzled oats. They're
absolutely clean"
1T viii take additional advantages,
however, to appeal to me"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
sOREHEAn.

Election prophets make me glum;
IN fact, with anger burn.
For / prognosticated some
And didn't call the turn.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
VIEWS OF THE ELECTION.
Press Comment on the Result In New
York and Elsewhere.

From the Providence Journal
The lesson is too clear for comment
II demagogues Of Hearst's stamp are not
to win a perilous ascendency over the
American people those who have the
power must set their house in order. It
is to the credit of President Roosevelt
that he has perceived this fact, and that
he has undertaken IN all sincerity the re-
forms which Hearst has been advocating
for his own selfish ends.
From the Chicago Chronicle
As a natural result Of the incredible
folly and timidity of New York Republi-
cans we may now look forward TO two
years more of political violence, with al
most a certainty that at the end Of that
time the whole country viii be rocked
with a Hearst Presidential campaign Of
unexampled fury.
From the Boston Herald.
The majority against Mr. Moran, car
rying with It a rejection Of the indorse-
ment of Bryan and the laudation q
Hearst, is conclusive and adequate What
was heTalded as the rising tide Of rad
icalism." that was to sweep all before
It, has been turned back by the conserva-
tive instinct and the ruling common
sense u the voters.
From the Richmond News-Leader.
We nope sincerely that the result in
New York takes the chronic mischief
maker Of the yellow journals out Of pol
itics as Presidential possibility. We DO
not see how he can be considered seri-
Ously in view Of his failure TO carry his
own State for governor.
From the Cleveland Leader
Revolution has been beaten by progress.
The square deal has stopped the onset
OF socialism. The country has voted for
reform and rejected extreme experiments.
1t has trusted Roosevelt instead Of
Hearst.
From the Brooklyn STANDARD Union
Even those who voted for Hearst will
within "a year rejoice over the victory Of
Hughes
From the New YORK Globe.
The people have shown capacity to dis
crimiHate and the demonstration S worth
all tho effort that il has cost.
From the Pittsburg Sun.
The Democrats have beer defeated. but
the hOnors Of war are theirs The party
OF pTofigacy. corruption. and privilege
has gained a little longer lease of power
at a rUinOus sacrifice.
From the Petersburg Val Index Appeal
Mr. Hearst made gallant night against
l1urreced-nted odds and while his defeat
will be a great disappointment TO him
and his friends. it viii hardly oe denied
that he has grown immensely In the esti-
nation Of the people Of the country, aud
that he has established himself as a fac
tor FL American politics that must be
seriously considered hereafter.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Ethan Allen Hitchcock.

1t goes without saying of course. that
when the Hon. Ethan Allen Hitchcock
lays down the office Of Secretary Of the
Interior every land baron in the United
states viii breathe easier. No man who
has ever held that office has been such a
terror 20 the land grafters In the West
Few Cabinet officers have made them
selves as unpopular as Mr. Hitchcock
has been ever since ne showed his de-
termination to protect the public domain
from the land barons The Influences ar
rayed against him have been stupendous
and Of far reach. They have ramifed
the highest official quarters But the
sturdy Missouri business man has never
ialtered. He entered public life without
the usual preparation. St Louisans IN
Washington recall how. when the news
was sent to that city that Mr Hitchcock
had been selected by President Mckinley
early in 1897 aS Ambassador to st. Peters
burg, the newspapers and politicians Of
the community thought that the man Sc
lected for the post was Henry Hitchcock.
2 brother Of the Secretary. who for many
years was prominent and popular law
yer Ia St Louis Ethan Allen Hitchcock
had never figured publicly in politics.
though Il was known in business circles
that as one Of the largest glass manu-
facturers I'm the country. he had mani
Tested great interest in the election Of
Mr.. Mckinley He has applied 70 his pub
hc duties the same stern. rigid rules that
ne followed in his private business mat
ters-th3t is, he has done this 20 the ut
most limit Of official red tape and circum-
locutiOn
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
The Older the Better.

From the New York World.
When Prof Burgess told Berlin that the
Monroe doctrine was superannuated he
old not suspect that the old thing carried
weight for age in its kick.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

A statistic fiend announces that New
York smokes just exactly 10000 cigars a
day. As the figures were made immedi-
ately preceding the election. however,
they are probably too high for present
day conditions
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
where the Rub Comes.

"Are those pictures hung on Ievel?"
That's easily found Where's the tape
liner
That's not easily found.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Ina Double sense.

What you, captain of industry.
smoking campaign cigars?''
Yes; I lost my all on the election"
"Ah. my poor friend, Reduced to the
ranks.'
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Cynical DiOg.

We meet Diogenes.
Hello. Diog, Sull looking for an hon
est man2"
Nav. The woods are full OF men who
got defeated solely on account Of being
honest"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

The most cheerful optimist coming un-
der our notice Of late is the Delaware
colored brother who declared he could see
nothing objectionable to the negro in
THE Clansman."
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
Explained.

PA, what are peanut politicians?"
Those who roll peanuts with tooth
picks, my son. You'H see 'em any day
now"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

There are countless American girls
worthy Of the proudest title in the land.
observes a patriotic and Iiberty-loving
contemporary. Yes, inde,e; and the count
less ones seem to be a good deal happier
than those who take the counts.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

over in Pennsylvania the entire congre-
cation seems to have greeted the bosses
with that old familiar song, Bless Your
Heart; l Love You in the Same Old
Way"
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

4 man has been arrested for imperson-
aJing a Pittsburg millionaire. Poor fel-
low. he ought to be hurried along to the
foolish house
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

Biologists declare that Texas, 5000
years ago, was the hottest place on
earth. Senator Bailey will be surprised
to hear that it was hotter then than re-
Gently
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

We hope that the Presidents voting in
a Chinese laundry will not be seized upon
by the Japs as fresh evidence Of IN
friendliness.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09
The Presidents Barber.

OF swarthv complexion and satunine
mein is William Dulaney. who enjoys the
distinction Of being the White House
barber. This. Of course. is not Dulaney's
official title though just what title is
placed before his name on the public
payrous is not known. Naturally. how
ever. Dulaney mauifests more pride I'm his
distinction as the Presidents barber than
in other honors that attach to service at
the White House Promptly at 1I5 every
afternoon when President Roosevelt is
in his official residence, Dulaney may
be seen TO enter softly the small ante
room that separates the Presidential
sanctum sanctorium from Secretary
LOeb's office If the President is not there
Dulaney waits patiently and silently
knowing that his distinguished customer
will come along very shortly. When the
President arrives, usually bounding in
through the door from his Office. in a
great rush. Dulaney takes his place at the
back of a big upholstered chair patterned
after all the chairs commonly used in
the executive departments Back into
this chair the Presidential form is stretch
ed. which is the signal fer the silent Du-
laney 10 begin his operations. First.
thin layer of lather is spread and with
out rubbing II in as most BARRIERS do
in the case Of their ordinary customers.
Dulaney begins to scrape with a keen
razor of ordinary make. Frequently the
President entertains a late morning caller
While being shaved. and though the Chief
Executive keeps UP a constant fire OF
talk. it seems not to perturb the calm
visaged DulaHey in the least. Once
over is the standing order with Dulaney.
and he completes the daily task usually
I'm eight minutes by the watch. The Pres
ident is then ready for luncheon. and
skips away As il justly proud of having
performed his public functions satisfac-
torily. William DuIaney glides noiselessly
from the room, speaking not a word the
while
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

Col Henry Watterson denies that Ken
tuckians drink too much. We are quite
prepared to believe il; in fact, we do not
recall meeting one who seemed to feel
that he had enough, not to mention too
muchi
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

According 10 the Birmingham Age
Herald. "A man loaned a millionaire his
umbrella and received a legacy Of 5000"
The millionaire must have been glad TO
get his umbrella, even if it was only for a
loan
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

It must seem pretty tough 10 Afr. Sam
uel GOmpers that he not only had to play
scare crow. but now has TO eat real crow.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

Marriage is a lottery. and we suppose
the Castellanes and the Marlboroughs
are the blank prizes held for the people
with money enough 10 buy the whole
tickets
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

But the benevolent and open-faced
pumpkin pie is still here. for the delight
of elected and defeated, share and share
alike.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

That's what comes from failure to put
the correct label on the can, Mr.. Wads-
worth.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

Some Of King Edwards sailors have
revolted. Evidently the Car is not to
have a complete monopoly of all the
trouble in the king business.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

Thomas ". Lawson's first effort in the
field Of fiction. in which he predicted Mr.
Hearsrs overwhelming election was a
great success.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

Commander Peary Will make another
dash for the pole, and, incidentally. seek
to push the eternal interrogation point a
few miles further north.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

We wish Uncle RemUs mighty well with
his magazine, even though it Will crowd
the newsstand to a finish
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

We have not heard of any weeping and
wailing and gnashing Of teeth upon tn
part of the little Japs about being de-
prived OF schooling out in Frisco.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

In fighting the Plunderbund. Mr. Hearst
seems % have overlooked his own Blum
derbund
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

That couple who tried to uncouple Mr..
Cupples. Of st. Louis. from $4,000 insist
they viii yet succeed. They feel entitled
U at least q couple Of trials.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

Madame Schumann-Heink created quite
q disturbance the other day in Portland
Me, because there was no cab at the de-
pot TO meet her POrtland's cab ought 10
attend more strictly to its business.
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

\ contemporary wants 10 know IF
there is any animal with thicker hide
than an elephant" We are not prepared
20 say, but We are sure the donkey needs
one
The Washington herald., 1906-11-09

When / write enough, I spell
It e-n-u-f." says Mr.. Carnegie Nuf sedl