The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-03-25
Office Boy Becomes Bit Cynical.
Discusses Crafts and Grafte Describes

who are giving rings to each other set
with fakes Of anthracite, and coal dust
is kept in jars for exhibition purposes
only, then sell a few carloads of slack
and retire to a half-shell and equity
existence.
How to Be "FInancier."
mail four shingles together and
throw a handkerchief over the top and
start a bank. Then dig a tunnel to put
the gold the people will bring to you to
keep. Keep it Forget to leave the
money in the tunnel some night and in
an abSent-minded fit take the dough
on an unexpected call to Canada with
you. A few people will say nasty
things, but they won't be surprised
When you come back to the United
States you may be investigated, but if
you see the committee before you ad-
journ to the sweat room it won't find
anything crooked about you. Make the
wad big enough, and they will swear
you wear q halo around your head
every day in the week. Invent some
thing on a. piece Of paper, show some
body the picture of your invention and
get 81 ,000, 900 on it to put it on the mar
ket. Tell your friend he will share all
the profits and get it all. Then give it
to him. Give 1t to him where Kitty
wore her beads. Forget the picture and
your friend.
Draw a line on paper and tell some
one it is a railroad that will earn you
a million dollarS-neVer make il less
than a million in grafting-and then
ask some one to lend you 5000, 900 TO
build the road. Then borrow railroad
car and see Europe first. Grating is
a good game and sure winner when
the stakes are big. How can you eX-
pect to be found honest if you don't
get enOug- IN the rake-off to buy the
jurors he ne and present them with
an income? Jurors are good fellows,
and what is meat for the CRATER is beef
extract for the per diem man.
Don't drive an ice wagon. Get a
hold on a river. Then pray for winter
When the water gets solid, don't cut
it. Cut the threats of the people. Wait
until the ice is scarce then build a fence
around your river. When it's so hot
that railroad engineers don't need to
keep a fire in the furnace to hold steam,
put your ice on the market and hire
steel skyscraper forty stories high to
hold your spare cash.
Urges Nursing Graft.
big wads from little graftings grow.
Pet your graft. Raise him into d big
husky boy before you tell him to lick
little Johnnie, the neighbor's boy. If
your boy amt big, he'll come back with
a black eye. Feed him plenty of grit
and brass and other wreckfast foods,
and he will put the neighbor's kid on
his head and plant death on his SMELL
er. Don't be a rummy and carry away
a safe. It's safer to hike off with the
| bank and the street in front of it. When
| you get block or two off, paint the
bank building with gold, and the chief
/ of police won't recognize it. Shake a
| few chunks of Jingle chips into his
| honest hand, and he will go back to the
mayor of the town and say he met you,
| but you were tOttering beneath the
/ weight of a dog kennel bank
| PShaW, mayor. he was carrying a
/ home for bachelors and other useless
/ things when I seen him. the star COD
will say. He wouldn't touch slat In
| a chicken coop. He is so straight he
shutters when he turns a corner
| That's the way to do it. Spread
| the soap thick, but don't slap il on and
/ make a noise like an exposure Be a
wall paper expert; don't be a biIIposter.
Yes, sir, grating and grafters are great
| things, and are with us like wireless
| biography and Chug wagons-and. saw.
/ talkin' about Chug wagons, have you
ever drank an automobile cocktail"
| The reporter hadn't.
| You ought to try it. Order a glass
of gasoline with a nut in it. Shake a
little dust in it and draw it through 2
punCtuTe- Shake well with rough roads
and add a little wind Then cut a hu-
man into pieces and mix with tires
shake altogether and sip it through a
spoke"