davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
HVMOR OF THE DAY

''Wen, the congregation have become
so fashionable that they won't stand
for the old name any longer. They want
something modern What will they
call it?" II don't know, but I should
think the Church of the Holy Limit
would be about right. Puck.
'eTen me honestly, now, Clara did
Harold confess his love last night?"
Confess! What do you think / am,
chief of police ?''-AIilwaukee Journal
Green-Thicknut is without a doubt
the most ignorant man 1 ever met ,l
Brown-Poor fellow I suppose his ig-
norance is due to the fact that he
shaves himself. Green-What has that
got to do with it2 Brown-Why, If he
were shaved by a barber every morning
he would soon know it all!-Chicago
News.
Mrs. Plaindame gazed long and
thoughtfully at a plaster cast of Shake
speare, then sighed and remarked: Poor
man! How pale he looks! He couldn't
have been well when that was taken.
He wasn't agreed her polite host He
was dead" "Oh!" said Mrs. Plaindame,
drawing a sympathetic breath, chat ac-
counts for it-"-Boston Transcript.
They were walking out together on a
cloudless night under the light of the
big round moon. which seemed unusual
" bright and beautiful. Suddenly he
stopped, clasped his hands, and cried,
rapturously: "Oh, Nary Look at the
moon tonight. Isn't it beautiful-mag-
ni1cent? Yes, amt it. William" she
replied, with equal enthusiasm. 1T
looks just like a big fried egg. don't it,
dear Judy.
Beater-Ere you are Mr.. Bags. 'ere's
another one, but e bain't too fresh. I
don't think e were killed today
Keeper Csotto voce)-'Old your row,
stupid OF course he wasn't We always
put a few down where the gov nors go
in to standi-Punch
why don't you life up your voice to
aid in putting A stop to the graft that is
undermining our social SYSTEM MY
friend" rejoined Senator Sorghum, sol
emily; did you ever hear the fable
about killing the goose that laid the
golden gg?-Washington Star.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
GLOBE SIGHTS.


IFrom the AtchisOn Globe.
Somehow your right always seems
full grown and the other mans right
is Il dwarf in comparison.
If we could see our backs, we would
probably find them blushing at things
said behind them to spare the feelings
of our faces.
If a woman doesn't like her hus-
band, she likes to show it by remark
ing that she wouldn't be surprised at
anything He might do.
If it is a poor rule that won't work
both ways, then every rule that one
attempts to apply to both a man and
his wife is poor one.
When baby acts willfuI his mother
is pretty apt to say: wei, he would
not amount to much if he did not have
a will of his own
After a man marries a woman, he
notices that many of the picturesque
poses he noted when she wept as a
girl, are missing now when she cries.
A man can't fool his wife with the
same promise Oftener than three times
but her son can fool her with the same
promise 800 times, and It will not show
a sign OF wear.
When a man gives SIS to the
church his wife who is sitting beside
him, is absorbed in a mental picture
of hat she saw down town that could
be bought for a good deal less.
If girl receives no attention from
the boys, she is apt to think her par
ents were so cross they frightened
them away, forgetting that wild In
dams couldn't do this if the right
young man came along.
This seems to he a general opinion:
That a woman is a fool If she lets her
husband know it when her father
gives her money and that he is a
wretch if he doesn't tell her every
time he gets his salary raised.
The day that a girl IS married, and
( it is too late to change things, her
mother begins to regard the man as
critically as if he were a piece of
dry goods not warranted to wash Pre-
vious to this time she has displayed
all the blindness displayed in the ex-
element at crowded sale.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
PoINTED PARAGRAPHs.

IFrom the. Chicago News.I
The crook is usually on mischief
bent.
An ungrateful man is the meanest
thing that crawls.
Size of a woman's hat has nothing to
do with the price.
It's a good thing that some people
do not practice what they preach.
In an argument with a woman the
best man can get is the worst of it.
detailed description of some com
plexions would make a highly. colored
story.
Nothing seems to please a loafer so
much as his ability to bother a busy
man.
If you are the right sort of man the
world viii hear of you-after your
demise.
Unless a man has unlimited faith he
should never take his meals in a cheap
restaurant.
1t takes a born diplomat to disguise
the truth so it wouldn't be able to
recognize itself in a mirror.
While it doesn't take any more time
to be polite than disagreeable, the lat
ter seems so much easier to most
people.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20

The New Diamond Shoals light
house viii not only safeguard a dan
gerous coast but will be in itself a
model in construction. Livingston
Wright in his article on the Diamond
Shoals Light" in the February Techni-
cal World Magazine describes it as fol-
lows
THE lighthouse is to have eight diff
ferent floors, besides the lantern gal
lery and watch room. The first will
be equipped with three lifeboats, with
a crane for hosting or lowering on the
outside. The second floor will be di-
vided into four rooms, and contain the
fog signalling apparatus and two oil
engines. The third floor will contain
the hosting engine for operating the
crane. two large provision rooms ana
a bedroom. The fourth and fifth floors
will each have two bedrooms, a writ
ing room. and a bathroom. One-half
of the sixth floor will be devoted to
the dining room, the other half to the
kitchen. pantry. and refrigerator. The
seventh floor will have q double sitting
room or library and a laundry. On
this floor, also, will be placed a tank
holding 1900 gallons of fresh water.
The eighth floor will be properly
equipped for the lighthouse service
room. The ninth floor will contain the
watch room. and will have a gallery
extending all the way around it. The
floor above this will contain the light
itself, visible in storm or calm for
about 20 miles"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20

Janitors collect the shoes cast away
by tenants and send them to auction
rooms, where they are sorted into piles
marked Men women, Chill
dren."
Several poor people made fair bids,
but the auctioneer did not seem eager
to sell. Finally red faced man push
ed his way through the crowd and Of
fered 10 cents apiece for the whole lot.
His bid was successful
Il was killing time with talk wait
ing for that fellow" said the auc-
tioneer afterward. He always pays
high for these shoes. and he does not
want them for wearing either.
He wants to beat them out for the
leather in them. He gets what ma
terial there is, puts it through a pro-
cess and makes stamped imitation
leather novelties. such as picture
frames, bags. pocketbooks, penknife
holders and even chair backs and seats.
ne finds a ready sale for these novel
ties and gets a good price for them. -
Shoe Retailers.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
JANA WKER J0Ty

Harry Jordan of the Seneca Tribune
comes forward with the suggestion that
the recent earthquake was caused by
Cyrus Leland trying to jar W r. Stubs
loose from the control of the Republi-
can state committee.
The Lincoln Sentinel prints this:
1.-The Kansas Democratic club will hold
its annual banquet at Topeka on the
22d of February. Governor E w
HOch is expected to address this gath
ering. VIII Governor Hoch be able to
establish an alibi?
The Globe certifes that when a
woman tainted in an Atchison res
taurant the other day a big man rushed
over to her, dashed a pitcher of good
cream in her face, and then mOpped it
off. The Globe points out that these
things don't always happen on the
stage alone.
People who know Frank farrell viii
appreciate this joke: When he was a
plain plug newspaper reporter farrell
was always having trouble with spelling
peoples names. The eompositors were
constantly getting the names wrong
that he wrote. This week JarrelFs own
name appears in an advertisement in his
paper spelled ''Jarrel.'
The Thirty Years Ago" department
of the Seneca Tribune discloses the
fact that the notorious Sam Lappin,
just previous to that time state treas
urer. a citizen of Seneca, subscribed a
third of the expense OF buudlng new
Methodist church there When Lap
pin was caught stealing from the treas
ury and fed the trustees of the church
were considerably embarrassed to
make up the deficiency.
Harry Woods of the Wellington
News certifies to this biological item
Mr. Vandiver, down in the Second
ward, has a white rabbit-female. He
also has a house cat-Th omas. A
passing acquaintance ripened into a
warm friendship and that into con
iugal affection. The result is batch
of young rabbits, in every way like the
mother. except that each little bunny
has a long tail like papa cat. They
ought to sell Well
This happened in Leavenworth, ac-
cording to the Post: A father was lead
ing his little boy along Delaware street
the other evening, the Post says, and
the youngster seemed greatly interested
in the brightly lighted store windows.
PA, what are those funny doors for2"
The man glanced at the saloon and jerk
ed the boy along quicker. "ThOse are
the gates of hell, my son" he said. The
child was awestricken for a moment, but
at the corner he stopped. Come on,
pa" he begged. lets go back and peek
in
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
REAIEATRER THIs

Remember this also: When those
big shortages in the Grimes admins
tration occurred which was while T.
T. Kelly was handling the funds as as
sistant treasurer, the Miami county
record Of Kelly had not been exposed.
Ten years before Kelly had forged and
changed records in Miami county and
robbed the county of hundreds of dol
lars. For ten years his stealing had
gone undiscovered. He naturally sup
posed he had covered his tracks 50
successfully that he never would be
found out.
What then would be the natural
course for such a man when oppor-
tunities to steal thousands instead of
hundreds came in his way2 What
would a man with natural bent for
stealing do when temptation assatled
him There was no state accountant
Governor Stanley had announced that
he would not appoint one. The Bur
ton star was in the ascendancy, and
with the Burton crowd in control Of
Kansas politics there was little danger
of Il treasury investigation.
But Burton had no sooner got to
Washington, three years after Kelly
had gone into the treasury, than the
pendulum began to swing the other
way, with the result that w. J. Bailey
was nominated for governor and with
him came the danger of an investiga-
ton of the treasury. This may have
accounted for the fact that the thefts
were less numerous after Bailey be
came governor than before.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
King AIfonso's Bride-to-Be.

UnOfhcialy it has been known for
months that the Princess Ena, as she
is known among her intimates, is to
be the future queen of Spain.
The wedding day was not an
nounced, but the semi ofhcial news
paper, La Correspondence de Espana,
has already declared that the mar
riage will occur on May II.
The princess is only eighteen years
old. She made her debut at q func-
ton in her honor given by her mother
last May. The Princess Ena is the
only daughter of King Edwards
younger sister, the Princess Beatrice.
as she was known in England before
her marriage to Prince Henry Of Bat
tenberg.
The princess was the queens IA
vorite child and her constant COM
panion for years. The Princess Ena
shared this love.
The future queen of Spain is fair
and slender. She is not beautiful in
the strict sense Of the term, but is
declared to have q very sweet DISPOSE
ton. She is highly accomplished and
speaks five languages That she does
not lack for vivacity and daring was
shown at the Isle OF Wight two years
ago. in private theatricals conducted
by her mother. Princess Henry. when
Princess Eua appeared as a VIVIAN
diere. gave a skirt dance and sang a
song. Two Of her brothers, one of
them dressed as a negro, also sang and
danced,
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
KAMSAS cOMMENT
PROTECT THE BUSY Nan.

~ III The BUSY MAN.
Some weeks ago half demented
woman named Mrs Minor Morris ap-
peared at the White House 30 ask the
president to reinstate a relative She
was told she could not see him, but
refused to leave, and it finally became
necessary to eject her. we recall the
incident for the reason that the yellow
slreaked IN congress are using it as a
suck on the president. He did not see
the woman; he did not know that she
was there, and it has. been proven that
me employees who put her out did not
use unnecessary force. Senator TiHman
yesterday wept and clawed the air, and
IN an address to the senate pictured the
lndignitles offered the woman in man
ler ne mad hoped would cause the sen
ale 20 rise IN body and rae the White
mouse 10 the ground The woman was
not injured, and she refused to leave
When asked to leave peaceabIy. Every
man who has been bored during his
Dusy hours will indorse the action of
the guards. The president of the Unit
ed States should not be at the mercy. of
every demented person with q griev-
ahce' The agitation, instead of being
against Roosevelt. should be in favor of
legislating protection for all the busy
VINO are bored to death.-Atchison
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
animals PIay Is Exercise.

The relaxed, rythmical movements
so common among animals at play, the
gambling of lambs, the play of kit
tens and many similar animal activities
are initiated by man in the primitive
dances which form so large a. part of
the social and religious life of all
aboriginal peoples. These motions of
leaping. swinging, swaying and twist
ing of the body have. all of them, a
most intimate and powerful influence
upon the body's activities, organic and
muscular.
Rolling is a form of exercise which
is a favorite with many animals and IS
especially practiced for the purpose of
relieving fatigue. Rolling is peculiar
~ enjoyable and grateful to the ami
NAL because it provides not only relief
for the tensed muscles, the depleted
organs and the slow moving circula-
ton, but because as the animal rolls
the firm pressure of the ground upon
his body constitutes a most effective
and agreeable massa ge.-Outing Mag
azine.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
MRS. sHIFTLESs

Ola BIZ Shiftless dropped into town
the other day for the first time in sew
efaI weeks. The first thing he did was
70 go to the barber shop and get hair
cut ana shave. He then bought con-
Slghment of smoking tobacco and a good
nflar pipe His old pipe got so strong
It made his wife cough and Bill said
the first o. the year that he was going
to treat his wife better At neon he
got good square meal at the restau-
rant and then went out to do some shop
ping. He bought himself some wan
underwear. pair of gloves and a pair
or felt boots He then asked the clerk
If he didn't have some cheap felt slip
pers for women. He wanted to surprise
mrs. Shlftless with a birthday present.
He wanted the SLIPPERS so She could
put them on in the morning when she
got up to build the fires as it was pref
" cold for her to go out in her bare
feet and she didn't have time to stop
and put on her shoes. He finally Sc
lected pair marked down to A cents
They are little expensive said Bill,
but the woman has quite a little to
look after, and nothing is too good for
her. Osborne Farmer.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
QUAKER REFLECTIONS.

LFrom the Philadelphia Record
No man can form an impartial opin-
ion of himself.
The self-made man is seldom salts
fed until he also makes a few ances-
tors.
Nine men out of ten will buy pat
ent medicine if the druggist tells them
it is good for brain flag.
One-half the world doesn't know
how the other half lives because fully
one-half mind their own business.
The fellow who says he is tired of
the world doesn't stop to consider that
the world may be equally tired of him.
Sillicus- Love isn't always blind. >"
Cynicus Perhaps not, but a man
generally rushes into matrimony with
his eyes shut
Mrs. Muggins-'Is your new girl a
good cleaner?" Mrs. Buggins-''WelI,
she hadn't been in the house three
hours before she got drunk and started
to clean out the place
Upon the tented field, he said,
He'd won renown. How he did
work u.s.
We found he'd neither fought nor bled,
But he had Travelled with circus
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
Overrated Their Capacity.

Mrs. NJ. W. Swift. the president of
the National Council of American
Women, was making a brief address
on the subject of Christmas gifts.
Don't give presents she said, that
demand on the recipients part a GER
tain special kind of knowledge. Don't,
for instance, give a Japanese toy dog
to a woman who scarcely understands
fox terriers. Don't give white Per
sian monkey to woman who can't
keep a cat. Don't give an aquarium
of Ceylonese gold fish to-"
Mrs. Swift bit her lip to hide a
smile.
"A friend of mine in Santa Barbara
got from her husband last Christmas
a superb aquarium of gold fish, she
said THE fish did well till my friend
changed her parlor maid. Then they
began to thin and to weaken.
zone morning, finding two of the
fish afloat on their backs al the suf-
face of the aquarium, my friend called
the new maid to her
g Harriet she said have you given
the fish any fresh water lately?'
No. ma am, Harriet answered.
They haven't finished the water 1 gave
them last month yet Exchange.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
ERON OTHER PENS
RTE LEGIsLATION.

The Indianapolis News has car
toon representing railroad rate legisla-
ton as a. fast express snowbound Not
snOwbOund. but, for awhile at least,
probably windbound. The taking up
of this subject by congress is certain
to liberate a great quantity of oratory,
some of it of a constitutional variety.
some of a political variety, some of a
businesslike variety. and some pure
buncombe. It is inevitable Every
where people are interested in the sub
ject, and hence all discussion Of it,
whether by those who understand it, or
by those who seize the occasion simply
to talk, will be read. We need not fret
at this day as to the outcome. Legisla-
ton of some kind will be enacted, and
then the railroads, under the guidance
of the pick of the American bar, will
march into court and try to have 50
much of the statute as may be embar-
RAISING to them nullihed. The fight is
lust beginning=W washington Star.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
IFrom the New york Press

IFrom the New York Press.
Lots of the fun We have wouldn't be
if it was cheaper.
Even a piano tuner will kick about
cats screeching on the back fence.
A woman can guess right on instinct
oftener than a man can on judgment.
Just because a man is a commuter
is no reason to think he doesn't know
better.
A man can never make himself be-
lieve he had a very good time the night
before if he wakes ND in the morning
and finds any money in his pocksL
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
A CRYING NEED.

Isn't it about the time of year for
some patriot to introduce in Congress- a
bill to pension the state militia of the
country on account of few days ser
vice in the civil WARP The congression-
al conventions are drawing near. Of
course everyone knows that congress
will never pass the bill but that makes
no difference. It should be introduced
and the time is short The press agents
should be set to work or much ground may
be lost. If this is not done, it will re-
quire an extra supply of garden seeds
and patent office reports to hold the
boys in Hne.-Holton Recorder.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
HERE AND NOW.

Now is the time and Here the place;
The past is but a story
That has no splendor and no grace
To match our present glory.
II.
Beyond gray voids the past has flown
With al its ills and terrors.
Its wisdom we may make our own
And cast aside its errors.
III.
1oday surpasses yesterday
ana ne wears failure fetter
" no ADDS no effort where he may
10 make tomorrow better
aid. =
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20

dinner one night Reed asked me- said
he, ''in a severe tone Of voice if didn't
want to get a good committee assign
ment so that I could work" mo, 1
came here to rest said HUFF. When
the committee assignments came out
HUFF was down as a member of the
committee on postoffice and post roads.
That year the committee worked four
hours every day and the colonel
scarcely had time to answer letters
from his constituents. Members that
pestered the speaker got assignments
to the committee on ventilation and ac-
coustics.-
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20

Father Beck of the Holton Recorder
is experimenting in a hospital in
Chicago, and this is the somewhat
doubtful way in which the Recorder
speaks of the experiment: ssFhe
senior editor of the Recorder-Tribune
is in the Presbyterian hospital in Chi
cagO, letting the doctors look him over
to find out what is the matter with
him. Being a life long Methodist. he
viewed the hospital with some distrust
and went into it feeling that what is
to be, viii be. whether it ever comes
to pass or not However. he writes
that they have not yet fed him any
predestination pills or foreknowledge
powders. and he predicts that when he
comes home he can call the house
where the minister lives the manse'
without batting an eye and with one
hand tied behind his back. At first
Mr. Beck was somewhat 'chesty' over
the fact that he was under the care of
DR.. Billings. DR.. Harper's and Mar
shall Fields personal physician. but as
both of these gentlemen are dead. he
does not refer to the fact now with so
much pleasure"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20

Miss Barbara. Barbara he said,
hesitatingly. I'm glad It happened.
Barbara looked up.
Il hadn't much hope before he went
on, but now, somehow, you seem to be-
long to me a little"
Barbara's pallor disappeared. 1T
wasn't such bad storm in some ways"
she said.
And the fire cracked approximately at
the pretty tableau.
Copyright, 1906. by Ruby Douglas)
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20
~ ATCHIsoN view.

Hoch was a candidate for state print
er and was turned down and the people,
believing in a square deal, drafted him
for the nomination and elected him
governor. w. ]. Bailey said
Tom Kelly was stealing state
money, hired an accountant. pro
duced the evidence which was repro
duced by a reconds accountant whom
Bailey's enemies hired If the people
believed in square deal, which they
don't. they would draft W. J. Bailey for
the nomination and elect him governor
as a decentralization Globe
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-20

Timothy Coffin, who was prominent
at the Bristol county bar half a century
ago, once secured the acquittal of an old
irish woman accused of stealing a piece
of pork Just as she was leaving the
court room she put her hand to her
mouth and in perfectly audible whis-
per said: Mr. Coffin, what'll I do with
the porruk?"
Quickly came the retort: Eat it. you
fool, the judge says you didn't steal it,
Exchange.