Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1906-03-15
HUMoR THAT SPICES THE ROUTINE
WORK OF THE OFFICIALS.

CAllullke lSlOfdllce regarding lne menu
cd of procedure necessary when apply
ing for pension. They seem to think
that all they have to do is to send an
application to the pension Office and
Uncle Sam will forward check by re-
turn mail
Soon after the close of the civil war
there came to the pension office in
Washington the following unique and
poetical application for pension that
went the rounds of the newspapers
years ago:
to Commissioner of Pensions Washington.
these many years I've tried in vain
an honest pention to obtain
For wound received In Sixty one
at first Battle of Bull Run
one of ohioes sons so brave
who went to the front the union to save
And whilst Engaged in above said fight
rebel Shell took half my sight
Not content by taking an Eye
this treacherous shell in Passing by
took my Eye Brow Clear of the bone
and Left me as unconscious stone
burning blister of Crystal Clear
from the jaw bone to the Ear
but thanks to sod my life was spared
Cheek and Eye brow but Slitely Scared
and one Eye was left to me
for to wright and read Poetre
I hope that with that Eye to see the day
when unkel Sam his Cripples will Pay.
Much more recent is the letter sent
to the commissioner of pensions by an
applicant who had contracted blood
poisoning in the following remarkable
manner:
I got blood poison by beinge hit with
hens eg wen 1 cam back from the frunt.
The eg was not good Wen you send my
pension i want the Deed made sos my
wife can't get none of it. She throde the
eg. She war rebbel.
Equally appealing and remarkable
was another letter sent to the pension
Office in which the applicant set forth
his claims to pension in this wise:
The way I got my War ingery was
ketchin of hog. The Hog war wanted
by our captain for forege. We was chasin
the hog and she crawled threw a hole
an thot were about the size of the hog
and tried to crawl threw. but stuck an
in tryin to wiggle out 1 throde the rales
off one it hit me on my he'd and nocked
me senseless. 1 do not think the hog had
nothin to do with my line of duty; for I
did not ketch the hog. WITCH she never
was caut. SO pleze send along my pension.
One aged pensioner had evidently
made a serious blunder by taking
unto himself wife in his old age, for
love of gain seems to have been the
motive of the woman who married him
If the following letter stated the facts
in the case:
Dear Mister Government. Pleze to fix up
my penshun papers so as my wife cant
draw my twelve dolers munt when
am ded. she say she marryed me for low
an to be ole mans Darling but now I
no it was for to git my penshun on her.
self by being my widower so pleZe let
my penshun end with me but pleZe doant
let on to her that you got this from me
or would have a hot time of it and times
is hotter now than l can stand. So when
| send word that am no moar then send
her this if you want to but not until the
penshun is shut off which it is her just
desserts for marryin for money an in
Mersheenary spirrut.
One day there came to the pension
Office a very old and subdued looking
man who could scarcely totter along
with the help Of two canes. BY his side
was very robust and perfectly self
reliant young woman of perhaps thirty
years Of age. When some one went
forward to ask what was wanted the
young woman said:
well, I'll just tell you. This is my
husband, and we amt getting enough
pension-that's what we amt. We're
getting only $40 month, and we know
n man that wasn't in the war half as
| long as my husband was and, didn't get
| shot in him and he gifts his $12
| month, and we want our pension raised
to that figger or more"
| One applicant was willing to give the
most palpable proof of the genuineness
of his injuries, for he wrote as follows:
If you don't think l was shott in the
| war | am willing to come on there and
| you or any one else can lay their finger
| on the bullet imbedded in my back which
| panes me when / stoop lay on it and
| which it has brought on pertinent dis
| ability so / can't work like l used to
| could guess if you would speak to Pres
| ldent Maykinley and tell him about the
| bullet he would say to send on the pen
| ton and any medikel doctor would say
| the same. A doctor here will go his af-
| fydavitt that he has layed his fingers on
the bullet wSh I am proud of as scars Of
| War where l fit and bled for my country
| witch it is America and Union forever
New York Tribune