davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
.LAYHk WKER .JOTS

Conner Davies has great way Of get
ting a joke on the ehiggers. He wades
in the grass with his wooden leg ana
let's the chiggers burroW.
A baby at Scandal came into the
world with two teeth already develop
ed and the Journal of that place credits
the occurrence to the roasting ear sea-
son.
The Mankato Monitor gives this. ex-
cellent definition: "A country greennorn
is one who wants to know everytnlhgi
a city greenhorn is one who thinks he
can tell him.
Since President Roosevelt has ordered
all government departments to use de-
natured spelling, the Sabetha Herald
insists on using it in the conmun1ca-
tons it prints from the sabetha posi-
master.
Cause for thanksgiving, noted by the
Osborne Farmer: BE glad you don [
have to live in the year 6000- There
were only two chiggers on the face or
the earth when Noah left the ark
Look at EN- now.''
Three-fourths of the households in
Kansas have had some such experience
as this given by the Holton Recorder:
q A rather careless housekeeper IN Hol-
ton the other day was just finishing up
her peaches. She had put up all and
more than the family could possibly
eat in the two or three years of peach
famine which we most always count on.
AT the last she lOQHQ she WIS Jul u
Jars so she telephOned for another doz-
en-. They came and were filled The
next day in cleaning the cellar she
found about dozen more jars, put
away in an unexpected place. Did she
despair or faint or get mad? Not she
She Just went to work and peeled more
peaches and used more sugar and put
them up. Those jars had to be filled,
whether the fruit was needed or not.
So she filed them and put them away
with a sense of duty we'll DONE
At a wedding down in Kingman coun-
ty Thursday night a bolt of lightning
struck the house just after the cere-
nnony had been performed. Two of the
guests were made unconscious and
somewhat burned. but the freaks the
lightning played were unusual. In tell
ing of it the Journal says: THE shock
was something terrific. Passing along
where it could jump from one point Of
iron to another, the lightning tore out
every picture nail IN the house, and
wherever nails had been in the walls
are now a lot OF holes that make the
walls resemble a sieve. Each of the
party held a water glass IN hand at
the moment, and not one of these glass
es escaped being broken 10 spIinters-
Plates and tableware in the dining
room were similarly wrecked. The dark
ness that instantly enveloped the com
pany after all of them had been shaken
out of their chairs to the floor, the al
most incredible noise of the bolt, and
the subsequent daZed confusion are
something that every one present will
remember as long as he lives. About
80 persons were seated in the room
where the lightning struck worst, and
the fact that they are all alive this
morning seems very little short of
miracle"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
QUAKER REFLECTIONS.


TFrom the Philadelphia Record-]
Many a detective can't even trace his
own ancestors.
At any rate. graft is not a parasite. It
comes from the inside.
A woman's lines are not cast in pleasant
places when they come in her face.
The bridegroom doesn't cut much of a
figure at a wedding IN fact, he, a mere
ringer.
Some people are so busy looking for 4
leaved clover that they haven't time TO go
to work.
One man can drink and know when he
has enough while another man doesn' t
know he has enough until he doesn' t
know anything.
Nell-"The Golden Rule is a poor one. ;,
Belle-''How can you say such a thing
Nell-'FWell it's a poor rule that won
work both ways"
Hoax-"When I was up in the Adiron-
dacks ono of the guides was mistaken for
a deer and shot dead Joax-"Wen, I
suppose he died game
It was after the railroad accident: Are
you badly hurt2'' asked the official, bend
ing over the PROSTATE form of a passen-
ger. 4 don't know" replied the passen-
ger; 7 haven't seen my lawyer yet.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
JOURNAL ENTRIES

Most men who sleep soundly when
Opportunity pounds on their door are
wide awake at the first tap by Temp
tation.
As near as we can figure out. Ira n
TerriH thinks he was libelled because
he was called an Oklahoma lawyer.
DR.. Crumbine SAYS that it Is not
proper to swap. gum. in school. We
trust the school ma'a will remem-
Der this and not swap theirs any more.
Jeltz's Ledger certainly scores hard
in the presidents S. determination to
adopt denatured spelling.
A young Kansas editor who has evil
IDENTIFY had experience. observes that
one able-bodied mosquito in the prime
of life can sidetrack a mans attention
from the sweetest, dearest girl the
moonlight ever shone on.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
Drlnking Forbidden.

Consul General Church Howe re-
ports from Antwerp that the use Of
whisky and other alcoholic beverages
by government or municipal employees
during hours of service is practically
prohibited in Belgium, with the result
that drunkenness is rarely met with
in any branch of the public service,
and never among railway employees.
In fact, it may be said that while
certain qualities of cheap gin are
available to the poorest classes of Ia
borers, drunkenness among them is
the exception and not the rule. The
prevalence of mild, cheap, wholesome
brews of barley beer and light wines
at moderate prices diverts the taste
from alcoholic beverages which are
more costly.
The Importance of prohibiting the
use of all forms of intoxicating liquors
by railway employees is not only real
lied in Belgium, but also in the en-
pire of Germany, where the director
general of the railways in Alsace-
Lorraine has forbidden their use by
those engaged on the railways during
their hours of service. This rule ap-
plies to all grades in the service and
to all hours of the day. A first Of
Tense is punisha BILE by loss of grade
and the second by dismissal from the
service. The measure was taken in
consequence of the accidents which
have grown to be rather frequent both
on the railway and in the workshops.
It may be added that some of the
States, notably the Pennsylvania, have
adopted similar strict regulations
against liquor drinking by their en-
plOy es.@LOs Angeles Times.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
Tho judicial Mind.

At a dinner attended by a score of
well known lawyers recently the
phrase judicial mind was defined by
illustration as follows: Il have search
ed far and wide for a satisfactory de-
f1nition for the inevitable query raised
when judicial nominations are In
sight" said one of the lawyers. "On
Mississippi river steamboat some
time ago I obtained my only approx
mate answer A southern colonel who
employed the phrase yielded to my
request for a definition. and explained
that on a certain occasion a. legal light
of Mississippi was travelling in a river
steamer, when the boiler exploded. AS
the boat was passing the penitentiary
the time, the force OF the explosion
deposited the lawyer inside the walls
of the establishment from which he
had saved so many criminals. Being
unjnjured as a clever lawyer would
be under the circumstances, he ap-
piled to the warden for a release. The
warden listened to the circumstances
as he narrated them, but declined to
release him. insisting that with the
coming of prisoners he had no con-
Germ, but for their departure he was
responsible. He therefore compelled
the lawyer to wait for a pardon from
the governor. That is my notion of a
judicial mind. New York Post.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

An English cook dreamed of a lot
terry. and despite her masters advice
invested her savings in ticket A few
days later the employer was astonished
to see that the ticket had won 500, 600.
He was a bachelor and she was an old
servant. It was impossible to think Of
parting. He proposed and was accept
ed, and they were married by special
license next morning. As they drove
away from the church he said to her:
well, Molly. two happy events in one
day. You have married, I trust, a
good husband. You have something
else=first let me ask you about the
lottery prize Thinking her husband
meant to scold, she replied, with a sigh
of relief: Don't say no more about it.
I thought how it would be and that I
should never hear the last of it, so
sold the ticket to the baker for
guinea profit. ''-Unidentifed.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
John Chinanan.

have just received the following
quaint story from reader who is ap-
parently unperturbed by the recent
earthquake. A lady in San Francisco
engaged a Chinese cook. When the Ce-
lestial came, among other things she
asked him his name.
My nane,' said the Chinaman, smil-
ing. lis Wang Hang Ho.''
ooh, can't remember all that" said
the lady. 81 will call you john
John smiled all over and asked:
What your namee2"
MY name is Mrs. Melville Lang
aon''
me no memble all that" said John.
"Chinaman he no savoy Mrs. Membul
London. call you Tommy. ''-Tatler
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
HUMOR OF THE Day

who was it said: I am monarch Of all
! survey. my right there IS none to dis
Il don't know; some single man, proba-
bly, Houston Post.
what does that expert witness evil
was trying to understand the trial.
Tt goes to show which side has paid
him a retainer answered the lawyer
Washington Star
Some folks pun at doors marked. Push.
Do you?-Puek.
stelIa-Pid you enjoy your European
Beila-Yes. indeed; we went to III SOU
venir post cards--Puck
"Jimsby would have had that fat ap-
pointment of his yet if he hadn't lost his
What DID he dor
Then how did he lose. his head
Ihe OFFICIAL axe cut IL of. Baltimore
American
Iqquns Man-.Dickey. you think a COED
Diekey tentertaining hirn)-.You bet. So
does ma and pa She's been IN the family
mighty near forty years.-Chieaso Tri-
shave, sir?" queried the barber.
es -; snapped Grouchey, and no con-
~ "a, tr. tight sir replied the barber gqoa
do the rest Philadelphia Press.
DO you really believe that whisky will
cure the typhoid germ p
7 m not sure about it. But I'm per-
fectly wiling to do a lot Of personal ex-
psgtEn fe9T,tiIe along that line.i'e Cleveland
You're laughing at met"
You are
What makes you think so?
II don't see anything else to laugh at
Did your daughter take physical Gull
ture lessons while at coiIege?" asked the
"Oh. yes" replied Mrs. Goldrox proud
little nger Just lovely s When s she eats af
soup. Milwaukee Sentinel.
You should cultivate more cheerful
disposition" said Mr.. Cheerup. believe
in the honesty of human nature
Yes, answered the man with the acid
eountenance; most everybody does until
he has Endorsed notes for few people. -
Washington Star.
Pa9hsw asgs. 3D. yog have hard time
CIeverton-I should say I did WHY.
when our engagement was announced IN
the papers / had to put it among the
sporting news Life.
Easyun cat the race traek)-say. that
was nice steer you gave me. You said
LeTout-An' its er fact; but de fool
owner made de mistake Nv enterin' him
in runnin' race. See2-Chicago Daily
News.
Tpgardsan-what impressed you most
during your trip abroad?
AfOm-The touches I got everywhere
went, of course--chicago Tribune
Some Of those fnanciers have great
political influence"
That isn't the way to put it." remark
ed Senator Sorghum; fthe question now is
whether politician has financial infIu-
ence. w Washington Star.
McFingie-Blowhard must have been a
brave soldier. to Judge from his own
words. He says that in every battle ne
was where the bullets were thickest
McFangle-So he was. He drove an
ammunition wagon.-Tid-Bits
Diner Cto waiter)-FEi. waiter, where has
my hat gone?
Waiter-Your hat7 don't know, but do
not worry. You will find II all right after
you've paid your biiI-Lustige Blatter.
Why has old Goldrox made a new
Ills doctor advised a change OF herr
Haroer's Weekly.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
TIE DEAD BEAT.

It must be mighty uncomfortable to
be a town deadbeat. There is a vast diff
ference between a man unable to pay
and a deadbeat. The deadbeat may not
know it. but he has such a yellow streak
down his back that the electric lights
flicker and turn pale when he passes be-
meath them at night. Everybody has
him spotted. The neighbor women say
scandalous things about him. The dead
beat thinks he has friends, but he hasn't.
But the old deadbeat lives on and on;
he smokes his cigars and buys what he
wants, and lets his creditors walk the
floor. But after a while he comes to
die and une people say. one after an
other, wei, old Stinker is dead; 1
bought him pretty cheap and he is We
come to it; he is sweating for it now"
There is a difference between a dead
beat and a thief, but it is all in favor
of the thief. expect some of the dead
beats who read this are going to get
sore, but turn about is fair play The
people they owe have been sore for
years.-Osborne Farmer.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
PHu.ANTHROPIC-

Here is another illustration of the
fact that the Standard Oil company IS
a philanthropic organization. An indie
pendent oil company at Atchison yes
terday lost 1000 barrels of oil by fire.
But recently the Standard showed the
price Of Kansas oil to the bottom, which
concern to a nominal figure SaIina
Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR.


A man can keep a fair share of his pop
ularity by not running for office
It's very wrong to do an improper thing
you are going to get caught at
What a woman likes about spooning in
the moonlight is the way it doesn't hurt
her complexion.
A woman would be much crosser than
she is If she weren't so busy trying to
keep her husband from getting cross.
There is hardly anything that tickles q
woman so much as to have you remember
her boys name when you Just happened
70 guess It.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

Il is reported that James R. Car
jdeld is slated to succeed Secretary
a4stcaIf in President Rooseyelts cab
lSuee- Does Fred DumOnt Smith and
she Kansas state senate propose to al
Tow that? Don't you remember how
Indignant the Kansas senate became
ovar Commissioner Garleld's beef
trust report7
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
CHURCH AND BASEBALL

We spent a recent Sunday in a fair
sized city and had an opportunity to
learn at first hands the comparative
drawing" qualities of a nice church
with pipe organ, a choir and a pretty
good preacher-Gn fact, all the neces-
sary things to make it an ideal place
for quiet nap), and a league baseball
game with band concert accompani-
ment and-listen now, a dollar admis-
sion fee Which do you think won out
as a rallying point for the people? Well.
one of them skinned the other a mile
and yet we would not be afraid to ven
ture the price of a pound of Standard
Oil ink against the account of the man
who owes US so subscription which he
refuses to pay, that if the matter OF
choosing between the church and the
Sunday ball game was checked right
up to that people, and they were told
that they could keep only one of tho7a
two attractions, the Sunday game would
have to go And do you know that the
ball game collected $40 bills where the
church got niekels? Funny old world.
Come to think Of it, it's not so funny,
neither. but the subject is worthy of
prayerful considera ton. - Minneapolis
Better WAY
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
Cbeapness of Swiss TeIephones.

"I was in Switzerland in June, be-
fore the rush set in said q globe
trotter land what most struck me
there was the height of the noun
tains and the lowness of the tele-
phone rates.
THE government owns the Swiss
telephone system, and a phone costs
only S12 year. This small fee gives
you 500 calls, and for excess calls all
you pay is one cent each.
1.-THE Swiss telephone system is adj
mitted to be the best and cheapest in
the world. Exchange.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

Denver says the railroads haul goods
cheaper from New York 10 San Fran
cisco than they DO from New York to
Denver In other words, Denver thinks
EAt knows Of a good case for the inter-
state commerce commission to practice
On insputting the Hepburn law into ef-
feet
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

'fWin an anti-pass law enable the
farmers to buy their farm machinery
any cheaper?" demands an exchange.
Perhaps not. What is needed to secure
that end is a federal law taking the
tarln of OF steel and It's products.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

If there is also graft in cemeteries in
Russia as there is said to be in kan
sas, what a snap It must be these days
when there is such q demand for space
in Russian cemeteries!
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

It is,argued that If railroad fares we're
reduced to two cents a mile there would
be no more excursion rates. Well,
would We need excursion rates. The
usual excursion rate is a fare and a
third for a round trip. This is exactly
the same as two cents a. mile
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

There isn't one person in q. hundred
who can spell the presidents list of
aimplified words in the simplified man
ner the reform spelling committee say,
they shall be spelled.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

"a gun-toter got into a quarrel down
eu Chsutauqua county with the result
that the other man Is dead and the gun
gtoter e In fail with the charge OF muir
ldeE resting against him. Had the muir
derar not been carrying a revolver
around with him there would have been
no murder. Isn't 1t about time to sup
press the gun-toter-and suppress him
hard2
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

The wellington News says: "A promi-
nent Republican of Caldwell was in
town yesterday. He said he did not
think that 50 straight Republican votes
would be cast in the town next fan. No
use talking, the people are tired Of
grafters." Now the Wellington News
is Republican paper. How extensive
throughout the state is the sentiment to
which it refers?
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

mr.. Bryan declares he Is not a social
5at, but his declaration for federal own
fqEship OF railroads will please thesoeial-
f1ats just the same.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

anyway. Walter WelIman got lot
Eee good advertising out Of it. even if
pc has abandoned his airship trip to
l1ha pola.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

Been four days now since the Stand
ard Oil company was indicted Look
out for a few thousand counts against
sSs most any time now.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
THE RIGHT COMBINATION

Chicago and Boston are now holding
down both ends of the two big base
ball leagues, and the game looks like
a case of pork and DEMONSTRATING
ton Post.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
Nor a HEAVY CANNON.

There is a gentleman in Indiana
who is willing to eoncede that Speaker
Cannon is all right in his way, but
he done weigh enough, according to
the measurement of the Fairbanks
scales.ASalina Journal
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
DON'T FXPECT ID.

OF course, il your national commit
tee isn't successful in electfng its can
didates. you needn't expect to get your
dollar back-Cleveland Leader.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

Just to keep things lively, how would
e do to hold the John Brown reunion
sand the QuantreI reunion together next
tIEae2
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

Those smokers who think they must
Nave their Havanas need not fear that
the Cuban instruction viii cut them
OF. The Texas cabbage crop is all
right
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

Yha& DO you suppose are the rehee-
lions Of one G. Cleveland as he thinks
ef that reception that was pulled OF In
l1zeW York last week
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

Maxim Gorky still continues to rail
at the American people, and the
American people still continue to keep
Gorlxy at arms length with a pair Of
tongs. -Ph iladelphla Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
Idke 3 Dog-Watch.

Mamma had not noticed the clock
striking during all Of the afternoon,
and thinking perhaps it had stopped,
she asked little Rita to go into the
hall and see if it was running. After
a hasty survey of the long pendulum
swinging back and forth, Rita ran
back and announced: ssWhy, no,
mamma It isn't running. It's stand
ing still and wagging its tail" Har-
per's Weekly
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

When the census men isn't looking
the directory man has the floor He
gives Chicago this year a population of
1900, 500.-New York World.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

Down in Neosho county the Repubn-
cans are charging that Z. r Ridgely.
the one time Fopulist congressman ana
now Democratic candidate for member
6 the legislature carries two railroad
passes, while his Republican opponent.
Park Helmielz. pays his own fare. This
is a good year for Democrat tic candidates
to foregO the pleasures Of the pass If
they expect to be counted as sincere.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

There are very few towns in Kansas
in when desirable rental houses are
vacant In most Of the smaller towns
the well-to-do people build fine homes
for themselves but their surplus money
they invest in farms and not In rental
property in town. The Mankato Moni-
tor calls attention to this situation in
that town. which applies with equal
force to many other Kansas communf-
ties Of from 500 to 5000 population. The
Monitor says: The Monitor desires to
commend to the men and women Of
Maniato with money for investment, a
sonslderation Of the situation that con
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

In automobiling a drunken chauf-
feur is a distinct disadvantage. It is
we'll for the passengers also to be
sober.=Philadelph Ledger.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
a &c FAMILY

The Chumps, according to a Louis
vile paper. are a fine Kentucky fam
lily and their namesakes are spread all
over the ccuntry.-New York Herald.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

And that reception was right in the
heaFt Of tins eHemy's country" too.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
IT CAME

Now that the Hartje case is over.
we may hope for a drop in the tenn
perature.- North Amer
lean.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03
FULL LEASED WIRE REPORT
OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS.

The State Journal is q member of the
Associated Press and receives the full day
telegraph report Of that great news or
SANITATION for the exclusive afternoon
publication In topeka
The news Is received Ia The State Jour
nal building over wires for this sole pur-
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-09-03

The Carnegie Steel company will
drill we'll 5000 feet. What an excel
lent Die for President Corey to crawl
into.-Philadelph Ledger