Western liberal. (Lordsburg, N.M.) 1887-1919, 1906-03-23
THE PENSION OFFICE
HUMoR THAT SPICES THE ROUTINE
WORK or THE OFFICIALS.


pile a delightful volume. putting there.
in the strange applications for pensions
that come to his Office. Some Of these
letters belong to the too good to keep
class, and they find their WY out into
the world, where they add n good deal
20 the hilarity of nations. Some appli-
cnnts for pensions manifest the most
childlike ignorance regarding the meth
cd OF procedure necessary when apply
ing for a pension. Ehey seem to think
that all thGg have to do is to send an
application to the pension Office and
Uncle Sam will forward a check by re-
turn mail.
Soon after the close of the civil war
there came to the pension Office IN
Washington the following unique and
poetical application for n pension that
went the rounds Of the newspapers
years ago:
to Commissioner OF Pensions Washington.
those many years Two tried in vain
an honest pention to obtain
For wound received in Sixty one
at first Battle OF Bul run
one OF ohioes sons so brave
WIZ WtuL 10 lNt front AND lIiiQl 10 tuNC
And whilst Engaged in above said fight
n rebel Shell took half my sight
Not content by taking an Eye
this troacherous shell in Passing by
took my Eye Brow Clear OF the bone
aud Left me as unconscious as a stone
burning a blister OF Crystal Clear
from tho jaw bone to the Ear
but thanks 10 god my life was spared
Check and Eye brow but Slltely Scared
ana one Eye was left to mo
for to wright and read Poetrc
| / hope that with that Eye to see the day
when unkel Sam his Cripples will Pay.
Much moro recent is the letter sent
to the commissioner of pensions by an
applicant who had contracted blood
poisoning in the following remarkable
manner:
I got blood poison by beinge hit with a
hens eg wen 1 cam back from the frunt.
The eg was not good wen you send my
pension 1 want the Deed made sos my
wife can't get none Of it. She throde the
9 She war q rebbel,
Equally appealing and remarkable
was another letter sent to the pension
Office in which the applicant set forth
his claims to a pension in this wise:
The way I got NY Wal ingery was a
ketchin OF a hog. The Hog war wanted
by our captain Tor forege. We was chasln
the hog and she crawled threw n hole
an 1 thot l were about the size Of the hog
n tried to crawl threw. but 1 stuck an
IN tryin to wigglc out I throde tho rales
OFF an one It hit me on my he'd and nocSed
me senscless. l co not think the hog had
nothin to do with my line of duty, for l
did not ketch the hog. Wich she never
was caut, SO pleze send along my pension.
One aged pensloner had evidently
made a serious blunder by taking
unto himself n wife in his old age. for
love Of gain seems TO have been the
motive of the woman who married him
If the following letter stated the facts
in the case:
Dear Mister Government, Ploze to TX up
my penshun papers so as my wife cant
! draw my twelve dolors q munt when ]
am ded. she say she marryed me for low
an 10 be q ole mans Darling but now ]
no it was for to git my ponshun on her
self by being my widowcr so pleZe let
my penshun end with me but plczc doant
let on to her that you got this from nae
or 1 woul have a hot time Of 1t and times
is hotter now than can stand. SO when
l send word that 1 am no moar then send
her this If you want to but not until the
penshun IS shut on which 1t is her just
desserts for marryin for money an in o
Morsheenary spirrut.
Ono day there came TO the pension
office Il very old and subdued looking
man who could scarcely totter along
with the help Of two canes. BY his side
was Il very robust and perfectly sell
reliant young woman of perhaps thirty
years Of age. When some II went
forward to ask what was wanted the
young woman said:
"Well I'll just tell you. This is my
husband, and we amt getting enough
penslon-that's what we amt. We're
getting only $40 a month, and we know
a man that wasn't in the wal half as
long MS my husband was and didn't gel
n shot in him and he gifts his SIC q
month. and we want pension raised
to that fgger or more"
One applicant was willing 10 give tho
most palpable proof of the g%enulneness
of his Injuries, for he wrote as follows
II you don't think I was shott In the
war | am willing to come on there anc
you or any one else can lay their finger
on the bullet Embedded in my back wkicf
panes mo when / stoop or lay on II and
which It has brought on pertinent dis
ability go I can't work like l used e
could l guess II you would speak to Pres
ident Maykinley and tell him about the
bullet he would say to send on the pen
ton and any medilEel doctor would say
the same. A doctor here viii 80 his al.
fydavitt that he has laycd his fingers OF
the bullet wich l am proud Of as scars Of
War where III and bled for my countr,
witch II is America and Union forever.
New York Tribune.