davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Beautiful women can have the best
things in the world, for there is none
so inhuman as to refuse anything to
a pretty woman. HOLSTERS Rocky
Mountain Tea makes beautiful women.
50 cents. Sold by Frank Hart.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Still They Come,---joscph Kukka, a
native Of Finland has designs on the gift
Of American citizenship and showed his
purpose Yesterday. by fling dcclara.
iion in this behalf.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

A New Place.-Howe & Gowan have
opened new confectionery and tobac-
co store at 420 Commercial street and
will carry full line of cigars, Tobac-
cos, candies, and canned goods, etc. 2t
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

For the Jetty.-At II o'clock next
Friday morning, May 4tl at the office
Of Lieut. Colonel, W. Iocsselcr, Corps
of Engineer. L. :. A., at Portland bids
will b. opened publicly. for the furnish,
ing OF stone for the jetty at the mouth
of the Columbia River and will cover
100000 tons Of material. Plans and
specifications in this relation have been
under consideration OF the contractors
of the state since last Tuesday.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

The Girls Guild of Holy Innocents'
Chapel East Astoria, will give their sale
of collars, other fancy articles and re-
freshments, in the Guild room of the
Chapel, on Monday, April 80, at 8 o'clock
p. M, and continuing throughout the
evening. 27-4-t
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Will Change Quarters.--Ii is said that
the Irving Club Of this city will lease
the entire fourth floor of the Astoria
Savings Bank building at the corner Of
Eleventh and Duane streets and move
it, habitat "bag, baggage and member
ship there, a. soon n. the building is
in shape to receive them, and that the
club will cNpend practically the sum of
$4,000 in new equipment and furniture,
making il one OF the elegant social re.
sort, of the Northwest, This has a good
sound and if carried out will be n big
thing for the City.by-the.Sca.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

At Least 0ne,--County Clerk Clinton
yesterday received one deed Gor record,
+. ~ bowman and wife 70
Charlie. A Huff, warranty, eonsidera-
ton slO0., conveying Lott II, ~, 23,
aud "a, in Block 4, Long Beach.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Loses Alt, r. Ryric Of San Fran.
cisco. a brother OF Thomas Ryri" Of this
city, writes that h" has lost everything
he possessed but -till has cause 10 he
thankful tltJlgb the fact tiwt ~
family i, safe.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28
THE PICTURE WORLD.

When you are in need of anything in
the Photographic line in the amateur
way, kodaks, films, plates, cards,
mounts, and all the technical details
of the business, and want the best and
last in the way of artistic development,
just go to Frank Hart, the druggist, and
tell him so. That is all.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Try Some of Our fine China SETS
They come in packages and parcels
ready measured for use. sc to 60c per
package. Howe & Gowan, 420 CONNER
cial street. 4-27.2t.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Hotel Irving -- European psAn. The
only stcam-heated hotel In Astoria; large
and airy rooms; prices from 50 cents TO
$50: well prepared and daintily served
meals at as cents. Special rates per
week or month for room and board TO
permanent guests. Our bus meets all
trains and steamboats,.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28
IERSE TALES @ THE TOWN

Funeral Yesterday. The funeral ol
the late Andrew Former occurred yc..
tcrlay morning from tbs Pohl iuuernl
pnrlora Rcy ". =. Grim officiating The
intermenl WAS IN Gernwool cemetery
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Ladies-We are now prepared to fur
nish you with our latest styles Of up
to-date dress and street hats for aides
and also for the little misses. Our prices
are right. At the Fair Eastern Millin-
cry In the Star Theatre Building. 4-s
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Observe Anniyersary.--On tomorrow
at Red Mon. Hall the members Of Az
TORN Acric No, II, fratcrnal Order Of
Eagle, viii assemble 10 enjoy an ami
vcr.ary social and il Is needless to say
there viii he enjoyment without stint.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

N. A. Ackerman, 42l Bond ST., does ali
manner of texidermy, furniture uphol-
stering, carpet cleaning and laying, mat
tress making q speciality and 81 work
guaranteed.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Grade Surveys H. c. + Astbury
ha. just completed making the prclimi'
nary surveys for the grades In the
strcets at Seaside. and in addition ha.
drawn up plan. for system Of sewers
10 be pnt in at Grarhart park
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Easter Sale.---The ladies OF the st.
Marys church will hold an Easter sale
in the store room recently occupied by
the Robinson Furniture Company op.
porite Foanl & Stokes this afternoon
and evening. Rcireshment, will be sery-
ed 4 good program will be given in
the evening.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28
Clothing for Sufferers. i'I

Clothing for Suherers.-~l'p 10 the
present time twenty three ease. and
INr bales. of blankets. and clothing.
hseighipg over two tons, have been sen,
by the Astoria relief committee To san
Francisco ior distribution.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Spot payment.--bco. W Sanborn.
has advice from all hi- insurance com,
pnnias that they will meet their San
Francisco losses in full, with a hand.
SON surplus to policy holders remain.
ing.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Starts Soon.--'Thc steamer Telegraph
will be put on the Portland Astoria run
beginning May lith. is the announce
mcnt made by Captain L. h. Scott who
was in Astoria Yesterday,
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Catch Light, t,-Fishermrn on the tty'
cr report that the run of fish a, yet
l. light, but that they expect condition..
Ia improve shortly,
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Has Returned. DIR. L. C. Barr has re-
turned and can be found in his office at
usual hours. 4-26-3t.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

The very best board to be obtained in
the city is at "The Occident Hotel"
Rates very reasonable.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

For good shave so to the Occident
Barber Shop. Five chairs No long
waits.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Here You Are.-Hautala -Raitanen
tailors, cleaning, pressing, ladies' and
mems clothing. 49l Bond St, Phone
Red 2305.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

In the Police Court. The most singn'
lar occurrence which probably ever was
enacted in q police court in any part
Of the world took place Yesterday al'
ternoon before Judge Anderson when
John Christie, accused Of being drunk,
told the court with all the mcon,ine-
ing carnc,tue-s that his husky throat
would allow that il was absolutely the
first time he had ever been under the
balciul and intoxicating influence Of
liquor. That the taste of the "b0ozc'
had hitherto been foreign to his tongue
and that now he had seen. felt and
experienced the effect of the fluid, ne
would never in the future drink anything
else but water Where did you drink
the first "booze," in what unholy spot
did vile man concoct the fatal potion"
qucried the court with interest. Deep
River" whispered Chrsty, and here his
emotion overcamc him, and he sank
into his chair. "That accounts for it,"
said the Judge, "if you had waited I'm.
til you reached Astoria and drank of
the mixtures served in this city's en-
poriums, you would not be here today.
It's five for you, and perhaps this will
teach you to hereafter patNnize home
industry" John Quick, who is not so
swift as his name would imply had
been drunk also, and was fined $500
Eleven persons forfeited $25 bail each
on the usual gambling charge.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Things Are Moving.--A letter was re.
ccivod by James Finlayson, yesterday
from his son, James, at San Francisco
being the second since the disaster, in
which Mr. Finlayson says they have
commenced the dismantling of the great
ferry building, which, aside from its
metal tower being out Of plumb was
deemed safe for public use. And upon
this predicate it is presumed many more
of the big structures will be found use
less, in public sense. Mr. Finlayson
is employed by the Santa Fe Railroad
Company, and is the editor of the COM
pany's bright monthly magazine, "Trol-
ley Topics" He is kept extremely busy
these days plying between his head
quarter town of Oakland and the ruin.
ed city, and being an old newspNper-man
it is not beyond the possibilities that
he may be inspired to write swing
ing good letter on the awful and volum-
inous detail of the fearful catastrophe,
in which event the Astoriun will be
glad to pass it up to its readers on the
instant of its receipt.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28

Baseball goods at SvensOn's.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1906-04-28
WANTED.

Two Strong Boys for Newspaper Route
Apply at AGO Commercial street.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
They Apologizod.

A certain celebrity had written a
lecture in which he had given full play
to his robust humor, and in order to
try it, went to a little, remote sober
sided town. IT,
The people Of the place were very
seriously affected by the prospect of so
great and famous a man coming among
them, and the hall was filed.
AS the lecturer entered, a hush fell
upon the audience. The poor country
people were deeply and solennly i'm;
pressed by the presence of such a man.
In his very best spirits he began
his lecture. It was his intention to set
his audience into a roar Of laughter. at
the very beginning, but his eff ort was
in vain. The people sat there in open
mouthed wonder, swallowing his tre'
mendous fiction. For an hour and a
half he labored to produce a SMILE.
When he had concluded his lecture
and was leaving the hall, he was met
by an old man who gravely said: 80
r "Gov 'ner. I m much obliged fer that
theer lecture of yourn,. and I want ,te
make leetle apology fer me an some
o. my neighbors, fer I dissay mebby
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
Advice to a Young Mother.

The anxious mother rings up what
she thinks is the day nursery to ask
for some advice about her child. She
asks central for the lay nursery and
is given Gottfried Glubber, the florist
and tree dealer. The following CONVEX
sation ensues /:
~ called up the nursery. Is this
the nursery9o
+ Yes, ma am,
IT m so worried about my little
Rose'
"Vad seems to be der madder9" .a5.
ooh, not so very much. perhaps. but
jasst general h g e and lack Of
mAin d growing rigid, eh'"
"Veil, I tell You vat you do. You
dake der scissors und cut off aloud
two inches from her limbs, und-'
"What-a-at?'
81 say, dake der scissors ind cut off
aloud two inches from der limbs, und
den turn der garten hose on for aloud
four hours in der morning"
"What-a-atg''
''Turn der garten hose on for abou
a lot of plack dirt all around und sprin
kle nit insect powder all over del
top;no. ~ u, a.
"Sprinkle nit insect powder all over
der top. You know, usually it is nod
dings in de world but pugs dot"
-! How dare. you2 What do you NEAR
by such languageY"
"Noddings, but pugs do chenerall1
cause der troubles; und den yoh wan1
to wash der rose nit liquid prepare
ton. I baf for sale
"Who in the world are you, any
way9' II: r.. -
"'Gottfried Glubber, der t1orist.''
"Oh-h,' weakly. "Good bye
: -, R. r. s..
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
A story of General Sherman.

General Sherman once possessed an
Irish servant whose forte was asking
questions and trying to find out the why
and wherefore Of everything he was told
to do. During battle an orderly one
day approached the, general and told
him that his favorite horse, Ross, had
been struck by a eannon-ball and killed.
Calling his Irish servant the general
said: go, and skin Ross
"Why, sir. is Ross dead began
the man. ~. 81
General Sherman rose up in his wrath
saying: HNever mind whether he is
dead or mott told you to go out and
skin him. -
The man returned about three hours
later and Sherman hailed him with the,
words: "Where have you beens
Does it take you three hours to skin a
horse?'-
~"No," answered Mike. "but it took
me about two hours to catch him. -
Fort Dodge. Iowa. R. e. s.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
One Of Prexy's Retorts.

Several years ago, President North
rop Of the state university was on a
trip in the east, and after attending the
Yale centennial was present at a ban
quet over which Chauncey M. Depew
presided as postmaster. Mr.. Depew
in calling up President Northrop made
a number of, very flattering and compli-
mentary remarks and wound up by in
Producing the president as Hthe great,
President Northrop arose, adjusted
his classes with care, and, facing the
POSTMASTER, said: IT suppose I must
accept that, coming as it does from
such recognized authority on wind. :"
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
Died Of improvements.

Schmidt IS wife, being very i'll, was
sent to the hospital a few days later
he met a friend on the street who in
quired after his family, when the fol-
lowing conversation took place:
: Mine wife, she gone NIT the hos
pital. -
:. You a don d |! say 50! Watts de mat
HOh, I don d know. De doctor say
she ISIS improving.
mHaf you seen her yet, alreatyG"
= "Vell, you must look after dot. You
must see how she ISIS efry day.
Yes, I will do SO. -
The next day he sought out the doc
tor and inquired:
GLOW ISIS mihe wife todaya''
"Your wife is improving.'
"Vell, vat ISIS de matter nit mine
vife7'' "
ooh, she is improving. There is a
, great improvement
"Vell, can I see her7' s.
"Oh, no, you can It see her yet, but
| there is Improvement. =
y Ne 4das day; "Vell, how ISIS mine
IT am very sorry to tell you, but
your wife died last night
vat shall I do?''
| You must be brave, bear up and BE-
a man. You know these things can It b.
avoided. There was so much improve
ment that we were very hopeful, bu
we can't always tell how things ar,
coming out" ,.a.-
! Going down the street, Schmidt me
his friend again, who inquired what wa
the matter. , ,4. y.
y q Oh, mine wife died last night
.tYou don d say so! Vat did you
wife die mtg
Oh, she died NIT improvements"
...:'s Il. A. Fl.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
An Act Of Providence.

The following story is told Of a
Scotch minister: Among his congrega-
ton was a shoemaker whom, on his
pastoral visits, he always found in the
very best humor and spirits. One day,
however. the clergyman was deeply
grisved to find his parishioner in an ex-
tremely Respondent mood, and begged
to know the reason. s. 49, a.. -. .
maker, sadly, eye see there's rival
an ma trade s beginnin to leave me. y
"Tut, tut, Johnl' exclaimed the min
lister, soothingly, "you shouldn't allow
yourself to go down like that. Be a
man and meet your troubles like man
And above, all, John, trust in Provi
dence and all will come right. +" "'t. -
A few weeks later the minister paid
the shoemaker another visit and was
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06

The weather was hot; Mr.. Stewart,
who is quite corpulent, had exchanged
his vest for russell leather belt; Bede,
who is quite thin, wore as usual, his
white vest. Mr.. Hangar, always will
ing to entertain the audience, facetious-
ly removed Stewart IS belt and tried it
on Bede; it went twice around, and
then some. The audience had it's lit
tie laugh, and perhaps Mr.. Bede feared
the relative VEN merits Of the two speakers rs
had been drawn from the measurement.
He waited till the ripple Of merrlment
had subsidized, and then announced dra-
matically:
I carry my brains in my head,
There was another ripple. &C. K. S.
Halstad, MINI. -.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
An Essay on Habit,

A story is told of an English SCHOOL,
master who offered prize to anyone
writing the best composition in five
minutes on How to Overcome Habit. -
At the expiration Of five minutes the
compositions were read. The prize
went to lad Of 9 years. Following ia
his essay:
UWell, sir, habit is hard to over.
come. If you take off the first Letters
it does not change abit.' If you take
off another you still have a bit left.
If you take off still another, the whole
of { it remains. If you take off an
other, it is not wholly used up, all Of
which goes to show that if you want to
get rid of habit you must throw it of1
altogether" Mrs. j. Hanson.
2505 Fifteenth avenue s.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06

Prizes for stories printed on this
page are awarded as indicated. -
For the coming week T h 9 jour
again offers So, hrst prize; %,
second prize, and So, third prize,
for "the best story you ever
heard 49,. ~
It is not required that stories be
original, but new and good STORIES
retold in the writer's own words,
will be considered in the competi-
ton. Write only on one side of the
paper, giving name and address
with each story. Specify if you
want your initials used as signature.
Do not send clippings or enclose
stamps, as manuscripts will not be
returned. Stories should not ex-
coed 800 words, and should be of a
humorous nature. Omit introduc-
lions, and be brief. Checks will be
sent prize winners.
Address, Best Story Editor, Jour-
nal, Minneapolis, Mimi.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
young America.

q {. = =
Here's the way sharp messengers
boy treated President Hartman of the
Union Pacific the other day.
Pushing into the private car OF Mr..
Hartman, he said: Hello, got ser
telegram for McKeen.
You mean Mr.. McKeen, - inter-
rupted Mr.. Hartman, with a sly smile.
t.Yep, [ guess so; the head cheese Of
the motive department.
Mr.. Hartman took the telegram and
had it sent to Mr.. McKeen.
"sWhat do you do9o he asked the lad.
with a glance around at his companions.
rI'm one of the directors of the
Union Pacific said the boy, taking
the challenge.
sifWhat!S exclaimed Mr. Hartman.
stYep, / direct envelopes over at the
master mechanic s Office was the
laconic reply, as the lad left the car.
Chatfeld, MINI. M. Mem.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06

d r ! Il
older Of the two grabbed the other
one by the collar and said viciously:
nNoW I I have yer. ! told yer I'd git
The kind gentleman tried to stop him.
. Don't you know it's very wrong to
fght9' he asked, 'and you ought not
strike a boy smaller than yourself. =
"Well, he wasn't too small ter plas-
ter me face wild mud yesterday re-
piled the boy.
"That certainly was not NICE" said
the gentleman. "but don't get even
with him by doing him wrong, teach
him a lesson by heaping Goals Of fire
on his head. -
"Wat yer tink," said the boy, ~
don t. want ter burn de poor chump;
little frog face for him. -
And he did. IL. b.
Marshfeld,N Wis.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
Where She Was vaccinated.

It fell to the lot of a young man
at social function the other evening
to entertain young lady who was
very pretty and full Of life and anima-
ton. She. had on one of the new short
sleeved gowns now SO much in vogue,
and he thought he had never seen such
beautiful arms; but she seemed i'll at
case, and finally said, 81 was vacci-
mated the other day, and it took beau
tifully. I could almost scream, it hurts
so.''
"He gazed at her faultless white
arms in establishment and askeds
"Why, where were you vaccinatedf
I'm Ottawa she said with smiles
and the young man fell off his chair:
- -. "A. p. g.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06

turbed the animal, causing to break
forth with resonant bray.
Just minute, Mr.. f., just a min
ute, said the Justice blandly. cam
not hear two at once.
The attorney was hard hit, but he
said nothing and waited.
When the justice was explaining q
be donle sW resounded R thru The Court
room again. The attorney placed his
hand to his ear and said in his mildest
tones:
Would you mind repeating that,
your honorq There was such an echo
that / could not understand. &c. B.
Claremont, MINI.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
SECOND PRIZE
This story gets So.
The Roosevelt Nomenclature.

Representative Smith Of Maryland is
the subject of a good story these days.
When he hears it he merely smiles and
looks wise. Mr.. Smith was standing
few days ago N front Of the White
House talking to some secret service
men. when boy came dashing out of
the executive mansion.
"Who s that?' queried the congress-
man.
- that's Archibald Roosevelt he
was informed
A moment later another youngster
appeared thru the same door and Mr.
Smith repeated the question. .''74
"That's Kermit, said one Of the
guards.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
LEV DOCKSTADER, THE
MINSTREL, TO AWARD PRIZES

Lew Docstader the famous minstrel whom many consider
the story teller the world and who is okesmith of tai
originality will judge and award the prizes for
the Best Story competition Sundays Journal of May 10
Dockstader also offers additional prize box hold
ing persons good any performance during his
at the Metropolitan Operahouse Minneapolis May ID to
49, confined competitors living Minneapolis or ST.
Paul
Stories the competition must reach The
Journal office not later than next Thursday morning.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
Would Eat Himself.

Last week friend of mine advertised
for hired man. A stalwart young Ger
man answered. AS he walked into the
barn he addressed my friend with,
Y twill / what?'' asked my friend.
:: 'sWill you job mes Make me work
stOh, I see; you want job9' said
my friend. "Well, how much do you
want month"; ~ -
III tell you, if you eat me on der
farm, I come for fife dollars, but for
twenty fife dollars I eat myself by
Schmidt So III. 3.
Marshfeld, Wis. 5.ea,2-.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
FIRST PRIZE
This story gets So.
Good Advice.

A resident of Chicago one day went
to the office of the commissioner of
public works and gave the following
complaints:
"Me names Pat Murphy; I live on
Diversey street on the South Side; l
terpipe busted and drowned thin all.
What II We do about it9'
The commissioner said: $50 across
to the office of the superintendent of
waterworks, he will attend to your
case.'
Pat started off to see the superin.
tendcnt, but soon came back to the
commissioner with his same complaint
II told you to go to the superintend
emit
81 did, said Pat.
"What did he say7'
"He said I should keep ducks.N
Mrs. G.. g.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-05-06
It Wasn't the Dog.

A senator was spending the evening
with a friend in Selma, Ala, when
dreadful scratching noise came from
the direction of the kitchen.
"Martha,' called the host to the
cook, "what' is that scratching noisea
"Huh!" said Martha, 'sno indeedy!
Dat $ no dawg a-scratchin' de do
Dat s de cook a-writin love lettah to
her honeysuckle! '' M. A..