Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-07-28
THE VAIN CREATURES

Men. the great, huIking. boobyish. vain
creatures-aren't they Just too dreadfully
easy for anything. once you get the knack
OF handling them?n said a young married
woman to q party OF her cronies at
| luncheon the other day.
II declare. I've trained Jack now SO that
HEN just eat out of my hand. SO to speak,
and all through these back-buttoning shirt
waists.
| THE frst time ever asked him to
button my waist down the back really
thought he was going to snap my head or
I-waa getting ready to go out with him.
| and he was hurriediy scanning his paper
and taking & smoke before starting. when
called him upstairs.
/" oh. jack called down to him.
please come UP here minute wont your
Whacher want? he called back. in q
horribly Indifferent tone.
l.s want you to help me-, / said from
the top OF the stairs 7 cant get dressed
II you~ don't come up.'
| Hey? he called back. rafting his
IspAper,-as< + felt. never 50 much as moving
In his easy chair. Can't get dressed2
What's the trouble? Suddenly paralyzed?
How the deuce can I help you II you can't
'dressnycurseafs What is 1t that you can't
| a MY shirt waist I told him It's
new one, and 1t buttons in the back. and
tho buttons are so teenchy, and there are
r. usiiAon Of them, and l can't reach back
there except for the top buttons. and my
dngers~. are. all thumbs tonight, anyway
and oh, pul-lease won't you come up
here and halp -mer
|'Sieis oouRdr sout of a chair. and Jack came
hopping up the stairs, three at a time,
dragging his paper and cigar with him.
and muttering things about 1t being a
As>% HI oJ
an eighth OF second before being
Dragged out Of his own home to a place
he didn't want to go to, and what the
dickens was the use of having home,
X folks couldn't stay in II for q couple
Of minutes at stretch. and 1t was a
queer thing that some women were so
blamed helpless they couldn't get their buds
on without hollering for man that'd been
working himself to death all day-and all
that string of stuff. You girls know how
1t goes just as well as do.
We'll stood by the dresser, looking
sort of pitiful and appealing, when Jack
came In. giaring, with his cigar cooked
up sideways in his mouth and his paper
rafting under his arm. I tried to look
just helpless as ever l could.
It's a wonder you wouldn't rouse the
neighborhood call the police to help but
ton up that dinged dinky-iooking peek-a
boo thing o. yours said Jack peevish as
could be. Turn around here. SIS and let's
see what all this uproar is about.
Then he yanked me around so that my
back was to the gas and began on the top
button. He hadn't removed his precious
cigar from his mouth nor dropped his paper
| from under his arm. and he tried to tackle
| the job with those things worrying him.
| The smoke from the end of the cigar got
| into his eyes, and the paper began to slip
down. and he said horrid thing with big
| d before he had SO much as got the top
button buttoned.
| both hands. and your cigar won't go out IL
you lay 1t down, and
who's dom this job. anyhow? Jack
growled. but he rested his cigar on the
| mantelpiece and tossed his paper away and
| tackled the top button again.
Bout the size of a gnats eyes. these
| blamed buttons, he growled: as he wrestled
| with that top one. Wonder you women
wouldn't get invisible buttons, And what
| the deuce is the idea in getting a couple o.
billion of EN-, anyhow. when about six or
seven I'D pull the waist together?
| when he'd got the top button all fixed l
| said to him:
| my, but you did that quickly. Jack.
| You certainly are deft with your fingers
than women. anyway, in whole lot of
things
Stop that trying to spread the paste
on. YOU said Jack, GROSSLY. You sure are
| there with the oil lately WASN'T that
| shockingly slangy of him?l Just trying to
con me along, that's all. Durn such dinky
| at ALL They're cutoff pin heads with holes
| punched through EN-
Do you really mean TO say you've got
| five buttons done already / said to him as
he progressed downward-I wasn't going to
! let his snub crunch me, but was determined
to make him nice Well. If that ism
! quicker than my sister Mile could button
| 1t, and Miles the quickest thing at but
| toning back action shirt waist ever saw.
Jack IL you're not the adaptablest thing l
ever saw.
"'Oh, 1 guess there are worse slobs on
/ earth than your husband said Jack. a good
deal more aniably. the virus of fattery be-
l-xa.s -, g
| these poor dear men folks il you only keep
at 1t long enough and spread 1t on thick
enough. Guess I'm not such a mutt as you
| think / am, hey?
| Then | pretended to have sudden idea
| and TO pout over 1t.
| why. Jackie Buyahome,' 1 said to him,
making out l was beginning to doubt him,
| I actually believe you've done this before,
| and vet you've always sworn you never had
| any truck with women folks except me, and
| you had no sisters, of course, and so you
| couldn't have learned how to button shirt
| waists at the back when you were home.
and-look at me Jack Buyahome-and tell
| me where you learned to do this so well?'
| And then I turned around and found
/ Jack looking self-conscious and sheepish
and guilty-he was just tickled to death, of
course, at the imputation l had made.
/ " oh. maybe there are few little things
! you don't know all about, SIS he said,
/ looking all swelled up and grlnny.
But you must have buttoned some other
| shirt waist to know how to do 1t so well,
| l went on.
| ".Oh, forget it, he said, pleased almost
| foolish when he saw that l looked pouty--
| and didn't feel pouty bit, of course.
| Where dye s'pose lived before you came
| aIong-in cave? Here, turn around here,
| and let me finish that job-thats it. and he
| wheeled me around again and resumed
! work on the buttons.
You certainly are secretive. crafty
| thing l said. I believe you've told me
| lot of stories about things You're alto
! gether too experienced in lot of ways,
| Jack, for a boy who professed never to
| have bothered with any girls till you met
me-
"'Oh I dunno bout that said Jack, with
/ fine off-han dedness, as II he wasn't just de-
| lighted over the view he thought was TAX
| ing Fellow doesn't have to cough up all
he knows-hes a mark If he does, and then
he went ahead and finished UP the button
Ing only to find out. when he had got TO the
very last button, that he had done it wrong,
being a button shy at the bottom, for he
had started at the top with the second but
tonhole on the first button. l looked for
horrible outbreak then, but Jack was in a
really good huTnor by this time
s'tGetting to be regular muf and duffer
and fathead that's what am, he said. I'M
doing the buttons without single swear
word and beginning all over again. For
getting all I ever knew-er-I mean,
81 ill., r.rf lf