The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1906-09-02
HOME RUN HAGGERTY.

saws .Bruter instead of 'Amenv under
their breaths, an the preacher looked
afterward that he wanted to know about
my religion lamps, an not my battin'
lamps. I amt battin' over 300 In religion.
I'm sorry to say"
Even such little stories like this o.
Sans couldn't cheer up Lamp Hymes.
And as for Pinch. he simply went to the
bad for two days-wouldn't eat or drink
or sleep-did nothing but think. But at
the end of, the two days he come to me
Pete. did YOU ever hear o. this here
bioodlesS surgery?
says yes. but never seen it done.
What was the idea? / wanted to know.
why, by the use of bloodless surgery,
as get it, says Pinch, YOU can do
to an there amt any danger o the pa
tent goin under, cause he can't lose
any blood. You can cut off "A leg or
head or finger. or even an arm, an
there's no danger"
What of that?" says /.
why. you big, thick-headed' gump.
says he; don't you see how we can
make Lamp Hymes great pitcher
How" says I. "Cut off his wings
an make him armless wonder"
With the use O. this here method. what
TO prevent us cuttin this old. dead arm
off Lamp an replacin ii with a Drand
new wing FIN some young Teller, and let
''Sounds good says 1. ''But where are
you goin to get guy who'll give up an
arm?'
That's what stuck me-" says Pinch.
"till 7 thought of how A doctor in the
east advertised for an ear an finger,
etcetery. while ago and lots OF people
offered en- Now, well make up purse
sayin nothing to the fellers but what
it's TO get Lamp some new treatment
for his arm. Then We'll advertise and
see If we can't get him new pitchln
weapon
So we did. and got 5000 and advertised
I'm a Chicago paper. And If we'd SAID
we could produce small feet we couldn't
have got more answers.
But they weren't much good. One was
guy 90 years old. who said he was in
the sunset o. life an needed the money
Lamp says his arm was only IS and al
lowed it was better than 6O-year-oi1
article bad as it was And then raft
o. wimmen answered, which wouldn't do
at all.
How'd 1 look in the box wavin' a
ledys dimpled elbow says Lamp Peo-
Piled think 1 was calm the chickens
or washing clothes"
They tried to palm off arm that had
been paralyZed an only shy three fin
gers. and finally we had to refuse EN-
all And then Pinch's great mind got
working again, and he said:
"Wot's TO prevent us, in this little arm
reviving racket. of KILN two birds with
one StOne2 WHAT'S to prevent us I m OBJ
tanning a true and tried pitchin arm I'm
offer one Of our rivals and replacing it
with this here worthless wing of Lamps?
Eh?"
big head. Pinch" says l. You ought
to have been that Solomon guy You
have him beat TO death. But whose arm
will we take. and won't he make a holler
when we cut IL off?'
mo in bloodless surgery he won't, =
SAYS Pinch He might by the old butch
Grin ode prrt in SIR ger
your man won't know nothin about il
FIN the time we take his 5000 wing off
till we replace it with Lamps rusty old
cripple"
Mighty interesting" says 1. How do
they do it?"
"oh. first you put the patient under
ether
Ether wot?' says l.
Just a kind O. stuff you let him smell of
an he goes off to pleasant dreams an
knows nOthin.''
Then it amt painless?'
Yes. IL is, but you don't want the man
we're going to swan arms with wakiu'
UP and yellin' TO his manager he's bein'
robbed do you?"
/ said I saw. an he went on
wen the patients under the influence
YOU jest put a tOurniquet round his arm
by the shoulder, which drives the blood
out
/ wanted to ask what tourniquet was,
but knew I'd git him savage II did.
so l shut up.
when the blood's all out the rest of
the operation is a pipe. You Jest saw off
the arm, put Lamps wing on in place OF
it. bind up the cut an let the blood flow
back into the new limb. Then we take
the good arm, hustle back home, slam ii
onto Lamp undo his tOurniquet, and pres
to, we got new pitchin' arm; neither
man knows nothin except there's lit
tie soreness in his arm. where the skins
healin' together. and We've done deed
TO help out a good Teller"
So we tell Lamp. and he kicks for a
while. Finally he says he'll do II. but
you got to bring the arm to him first and
see il he likes it. We tried to tell him our
judgment on pitching arms was as good
as his, and it was only wastin' time, but
he was finn. So we got ready and de-
| cided on Claude Clessdale of the Clover
| dales as the man whose arm we needed
most on the Alfalfas.
Then Lamp kicked and said he didn't
/ want Claude's fingers. They was too
| girly, ne said So ] carried a gallon can
! o. red-eye for Claude could stand up un-
der very heavy weight.
Pinch takes a small AK. a chisel NAL
| let. two razors. butcher knife and a
| crosscut saw. I shuddered till / remem-
bered about its being bloodless surgery.
We hid our things and visited Claude
| in the Cloverdale house. We made a
| night of it, an lords morning we got
him Gained down SOS he'd be easy with
| out me settin on him. Then Pinch put
I the tourniquet onto his right arm and be-
/ gan at his shoulder.
wen jest take the hull business" says
| Pinch. AN change the fingers when eve
/ get time"
So he picks up a razor and makes lit
/ tie slash in Glaude's arm. an
! Wow yells the big pitcher. MURDER
/ Help They're Slaughterin' me- I'm bound
hand an foot" An he fetches me rap
| on the head with chair and goes for
Pinch with washstand poised over his
head.
| We beat 1t. for we heard McGinnis and
the rest o. the Cloverdales coming When
| we got home Lamp said he'd reconsidered
| and wanted to keep his arm. old an
/ gimpy as Il was. So we deducted the
price o. the Ticker from the $500 purse and
said we wouldn't expend any more sci
ence on him. We want TO deal with peo-
| pie who are willing to take a chance
| like we do.
| Copyright, 1906, by George William
! Daley.
piIMPKIN WAS OADEn