davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24
HVMOR ar THE DAY

'I hope to see the airship in practical
use. said the optiIniist; --....-4 ere.
hard enough to persuade a n7otorInan g
let you and oft a car as IL IS don
chance to drop you out OF the clouds. -
Exchange.
adam" said Mother Eve, II wish you
would put a few eutworms on my favor
what. and have all the nice leaves
Certainly. I wish to make an openworz
shirtwaist Houston Chronicle.
Now, Little Sunshine the heroine ..7e
the play" said the dramatist, is ths
dsI=hrer Of ..n Illicit stille'
In that case remarked the COARSE
manager, you had better cal her Little
AIoonshine. '''-T4ouston Chronicle
Eva-so Tom proposed to Katharine at
last. Did any one prompt him e do II 50
T5rma2Yes. Katharine's little brother
was hiding under the sofa and he yelled
out: Hurry up, sport or III SURROGATE.
Chicago News.
OToole- Give me a shave.
O'Toole-AIe own mug, is it, An do
yez think I'd be after goin' around wild
another FELIX'S face atop me shoulders?-
Pittsburg Post
Miss Pert--Oh! you may sneer at pet
dogs, but they're faithful. anyway. I'd
rather kiss a pug dog than some men
Mr.. Cutting-Well, we'll some men are
born lueky.-PhiladelphiaP Press.
DE man dat makes de bigges' success
in dis life" said Uncle Eben, is de one
Star. % ms '0'l''S'0Ns' + J" 47''''' -"
to Borroughs DIR. SIR Don't you know
that sort of abbreviation Is very sloven-
Dick-No, sir. DIR" is all right in this
case He owes me CONGRATULATIONS
Press
shadbolt-Your finances are at a low
| ebb again. are they2
1 that they are sometimes at the flow.
/ which they never are. My finances are at
their normal and unvarying Ievel.-Chi-
/ cago Tribune.
Jack suppose there is nothing that
/ pleases a woman more than the devoted
attention of man of her choicei
Bess-Except, perhaps, the devoted at
] tention Of the man of some other girls
/ choice.--PhiIadelphia Press.
Jenks-But does this medicine really
cure deafness?
/ CIerk-Eh?
jerks lshouting)-I say. does it really
Clerk-Wen. I should say 50. I've taken
| II regularly for twenty years--Philadel-
! phia Press.
u haven't seen your boy for some time.
| If remember right he greatly resembles
you Has your shape of nose exactly,
/ hasn't hep
7 dunno. I amt seen him since tn last
football game.''-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
My grandfather was butcher de-
clared Miss Sly in the midst of a discus
4 sion on ancestry.
The other girls gasped.
Its So though she declared ..Ha
slaughtered lambs on Wall street"-De-
troit Free Press.
lnquisitiVe RECONSIDERATION. what was
the flrst story YOU ever got anything fOr2
/ Literary Personals nearly as I can re-
member, it was the romance I tried to
work off on my mother the first time I
had played hooky at school and gone fish
ing. 1 got a devilish good spanking for
it.-Chicago Tribune.
meT.'
And what does the science consist OFF,
Why. he stays in town and runs the
farm by telephone. '-C1eveIand Plain
/ bic aspirations"
How did he pan out?'
It dldn t pam He now is high Off.
eial in life insurance co.npany'-San
Francisco Call
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

The commonpeepul scored again in
the election of the new French presi-
dent. His grandfather was a black
smith. II they had log cabins in
France NJ. Fallieres would have been
horn in one
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

It appears that in hazing. like graft
ing. the wicked thing from the stand
point of those engaged in it, is getting
caught.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

My wife digs out embroidered thing
From cedar chest and chin0uier,
Wee dainty things-each of them clings
And wazens thoughts of yesteryears
And we recall the hopes we knew
Ere silver streaks were in our hair;
All, soft, wee things all pink and biue5
And all Of them too sweet to wear
Whenever the stork had been to see
Us and had left a blessing small
Then came these fluffy things and wee;
It seemed as If the neighbors all
Would vie with one another then
To shape wee fluffy things and fair;
And now we look at them again,
Each-every one too sweet to wear.
Wife put each one of them away
In cedar chest and chiffonier,
Wee treasures of the yesterday,
When we We're young and skies were
And now we take and count them Ger.
And fold and put them back with care
The things the babies never wore,
The things that were too sweet to wear.
The things that they viii never wear;
Sweet Jessie would look queer, indeed.
And people would turn round to stare
And all the world we know would heed
And look, if she walked down the street
With this lace cap perched on her hair,
And crocheted socks tied on her feet;
Ihese socks that are too sweet to wear
For Jessie is q woman now.
A sweet enhancing woman, too;
While IOm-hetS full of rOWdy-dOW
And rush and Whiz and whoop-de-dool
A halfback with protected brow;
His classmates would hurrah and stare
II he wear this kimOnO now;
This garment that's too sweet to wear
j. M. Lewis in the Houston Post
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24
Wind.

Lieutenant Bevan of the Drake was
talking at the New York horse show
about rough weather.
Some one told the story about the win
ter tay when it was so windy that the
crows all had to walk home
Lieut. Bevan laughed at this story, say
ing he could see the black crows trudgtng
along the road against the wind Then
he went on.
But that wind could have been moth
ing to one that my boatsWain talks
:, This wind the boatswain declares,
came on in the Bay of Biscay, and it
blew so hard that it took four men. to
hold the captains hat on. and even then
it blew all the anchors off the buttons OF
his coat Exchange.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Senator Dryden Of New York said of a
certain article on life insurance in re-
view:
1T is like the wild waves
Like the wild Waves2"
Yes. Precisely Two philosophers, a
male and a female were walking on a
deserted beach. The female philosopher
murmured dreamily:
9 What are the wild waves saying?
'"The male philosopher answered in a
hoarse, gruf voice.
Nothing. Matilda. They are like some
people we know. They make a lot of
noise but they don't say anything. -
Los Angeles Times
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Miss Pert-Ohi you may sneer at pet
dogs, but they're faithful, anyway. I'd
rather kiss a pug dog than some men.
Mr.. Cutting-Well well, some men are
born lucly.-Philadelphi Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

DE man dat makes de bigges' success
in dis life" said Uncle Eben, is de one
dat manages to honestly deserve de kind
words on his tombstone. Washington
Star.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Tom-Herei You've started your note
to BOrroughs DIR. Sr." Don't you know
that sort of abbreviation is very sloven-
Dick-No, sir. Or is all right in this
case He owes me mOney.-Philadelph
Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

O'Toole-Gfve me a shave.
New Barbe-Have you your own mugf
O'TOole-AIe own mug, is it2 An do
yez think I'd be after goin' around wild
another felly's face atop me shoulders? p
Pittsburg Post.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

ebb again. are they2
Dingus-Ebb? No: that would indicate
that they are sometimes at the flow
which they never are. My finances are at
their normal and unvaryiug Ievel.-Chi-
cagO Tribune
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

An attempt was made in the course
of the debate on the Philippine bill to
secure the passage of an amendment
declaring it to be the intention of the
American government to withdraw
from the Philippines some day or
other. Happily it was defeated.
There is never any sense in making
an unnecessary declaration of inten-
lions ahead of the event. That was
done in a burst of hysteria with re-
gard to Cuba. and every intelligent
man who takes broad view of pub
lice questions has since realized that
it was a great mistake. 1t is always
time enough to cross a bridge when
one comes to it. To restrict ones lib
ertv of action by a gratuitously pub
lished programme is very short
sighted policy.@Philadelp IN
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

jack suppose there is nothing that
pleases a woman more than the devoted
attention of man of her choicet
Bess-Except, perhaps, the devoted at
tenuon q the man OF some other girl s
choice--Philadelphia Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24
ARBTTRATE

OF all wars the most inglorious is q
tariff war.-Philadelphia Record.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Nov, Little Sunshine, the heroine OF
the play said the dramatist, lis this
dug hrer Of IN Illicit stille--
In that ease remarked the coarse
manager, you had better cal her Little
Moonshine.' Houston Chronicle
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

2 Judge Deuel. of New York is a late
and striking instance of not knowing it
was Philadelphia Ledger.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Erma-YeS. Katharine'S little brother
was hiding under the sofa and he yelled
out: Hurry up, sport, or III SURROGATE.
Chicago News.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Eva-So Tom proposed to Katharine at
last. Did any one prompt him t. do tt 50
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Il hope to see the airship in practical
use" said the oDtimist.
Il don't" answered the pessiinist- 1t 8
hard enough to persuade a mOtorman 70
let you and oft car as it IS don
know what would happen if he had a
chance to drop you out OF the clouds. -
Exchange.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

adam" said Mother Eve, Il wish you
would put a few eutworms on my favor
lite fig tree.
What, and have all the nice leaves
bored full of hOles2
Certainly, I wish to make an openwOrlE
shirtwaist. Houston Chronicle.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24
THE RECORD NOT 4 RECORD.

Mr. of - addressed the
committee His remarks will appear
hereafter" Such is a statement that
appears with great frequency in the
Congressional Record. These speeches
ought to be reported as they are de-
livered and printed as they are re-
ported. The record does not become
an accurate journal of the doings of
congress when speeches are taken
home and revised in such a way as to
make them better adapted for home
consumption.-Spr Union.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

CRY FOR VENGEANCE.
Next to a woman scorned, hell pro-
baby has no fury equal to that of a
Pennsylvania legislator with his rail-
road pass cut off.-Hartford Times.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

lnquisitiVe Person-Percollum what was
the first story YOU ever got anything for.
Literary Personals nearly as I can re-
member. it was the romance tried to
work off on my mother the first time
ing. I got a devilish good spanking FOR
it.-Chicago Tribune
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Il haven't seen your boy for some time.
At college now, they tell me- Lemme see
If remember right he greatly resembles
hasn't hep
I dunno amt seen him since tn last
football game. cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Ny grandfather was a butcher de-
elared Miss Sly in the midst of a discus
sion on ancestry
The other girls gasped
ITS so. though, she declared. He
slaughtered lambs on Wall street De
troit Free Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

Mr.. Roosevelt wishes to send some
American athletes over to Greece to
take part in the Olympian games in the
stadium. We need these athletes more
urgently at Panama to compete in the
game of the padiun-Columbia state.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1906-01-24

cure deafness?
Clerk-Eh2
jerks (shouting)-I say, does it really
cure deafress2
Clerk-Wen. I should say So I've taken
IT regularly for twenty years-Philadel-
pllia Press
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26
The Milking Machiue

The milking machine means larger
investments in dairying. 1t means
more and better milk and butter and
cheese. We thought that we produced
pretty decent sort of milk. The cows
were clean and the mon were clean
and we have been complimented on
the sanitary condition of the stable
and milk. but just as soon as we be
gan milking with the machine there
was a decided difference. The man
stated that he noticed the difference
the first time he washed the separator
after separating the milk. There was
a great deal less filth In the separator
bowl. An expert dairyman the other
day sampled the milk and pronounced
it perfect milk. There Is absolutely nc
chance for any dirt, dust or anything
of the sort to get into the milk, and II
the teat cups and rubber tubes are
kept clean-and they can be with very
little trouble-you have product that
is perfectly wholesome.-Colon c. Lii
lie in Michigan Farmer.
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26

when a small boat capsizes," said
an old river man, "the occupants
should not try to climb aboard, but
should lightly cling TO it until help
comes. Even a light canoe will in all
probability sustain their weight until
assistance arrives if they will only
cling as lightly to its overturned sides
as possible. allowing the body to float
in the water, which it will do, and not
under any circumstances to attempt to
bear down upon the canoe or to crawl
upon the overturned bottom.
This is where the fatal mistake oe-
ours in nearly all boating drowning ae-
cidents. A single man with a good
sized plank IN the water can in his
struggles and efforts to save himself
push the plank beneath the surface OF
the water and drown then and there
whereas the same plank will support
the weight of three men who are well
posted and cool enough merely TO grasp
its edges with as little downward pres.
sure as possible. A single oar has
saved many a sailors life in this man
ner, which a landsman would grasp,
push 1t down in the water and go down
with Washington Star.
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26
Weedy and AduIterated seed,

Circular No. 10 of the office of the
secretary of agriculture reports that
In carrying out the provisions of the
act of congress requiring the testing
of seeds of grass clover or alfalfa OBJ
tanned In the open market 52l samples
of seed of red clover were obtained in
the open market and examined. or
these 116 samples were found to con-
tain seed of the destructive parasitic
plant dodder, and five samples were
found to be adulterated with seed OF
yellow trefoil. Yellow trefoil Is not
used as a forage plant In the United
States, but the seed Is imported from
Europe at about cents per pound for
use as an adulterant of red clover and
alfalfa seed
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26

Nervous horses do better kept in boz
stalls. where they can move about.
Ups and downs in the amount OF food
given the cows should be avoided
Keep them happy and full.
1t pays 70 run cows for the city man
They should be gentle, halter broken
in good condition and look pretty.
Every the you % TO the sheep field
take bit Of something for the sheer
to nibble -. That's the way TO teach
them 10 follow.
Have your own mark on your sheep
They will stray sometimes. and if moi
marked how can YOU prove your prop
erty?
For the average f1rmer the profit IN
growing pigs is made in using up ma
terial on the farm that otherwise would
necessitate frequent trips to the rail
road station TO dispose Of Pigs are
more easily marketed than are milk
and grains that they devour.-Farm
Journal.
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26

What causes the rays or pencils of
light that seem to be thrown out by
every star when seen by the naked
eye? A German scientist finds that all
stars show precisely the same rays,
but that In the case of the brighter
stars the rays are palmer and some
what longer. 1t is further remarked
that the rays seen by the left and right
eyes differ, and that If the head be
turned the rays are rotated in a CORE
spending manner 1t IS thus concluded
that the source of the rays is not In the
stars, but In the eye itself, the middle
of the retina being not perfectly homo
Aeozous "a IA sensltlveness.
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26

chute, and the hogs are easily run in
to it one at time. AS the animal
puts his head through the opening the
lever is pushed over and secured and
the door at the rear closed and fas.
tened. The material used should be
two inch pine, free from knots.
American AGriculturist, in which the
foregoing occurs, also illustrates a
practical rack for feeding soft food to
fowls, of which a correspondent says:
Il have been a poultry keeper for
more than twenty years and have tried
many kinds of feeders, but have not
found an article that will allow each
fowl a fair chance at feeding time.
The feed box shown in the drawing
not only allows this, but prevents the
fowls getting their feet in the food l
have used one OF these with perfect
satisfaction for more than three years.
and it is good for five years yet. 1t
cost me less than 30 cents for mate
rial. For the bottom l used a plank
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26

The wool market at the seaboard
still fails TO give evidence of decided
animation. 1t was expected by many
that when the new woods would begin
to arrive they would be readily taken
by consumers. as the latter had re-
Trained from purchasing for SO long a
period of time that they would be In
need Of stock, which would compel
them to lay in supplies of the raw ma
terial. But they are as indisposed to
lay in large lines OF wool as ever and
although stocks OF wool in the Boston
market are now increasing and from
now on larger and more desirable Sc
lections will be available it is difficult
TO get consumers interested In wool to
any noteworthy extent The fact must
not be lost sight of that large pur-
chases Of foreign wool have helped to
enable the consumer to get along with
out buying domestic wools.-American
Wool Reporter.
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26

The thin snow now driving from the
north and lodging on my coat consists
of those beautiful star crystals, thin
and partly transparent. They are about
one-tenth of an inch in diameter, per
feet little wheels with six spokes, with
out a tire, or. rather, with six perfect
little leaflets, fernlike, with a distinct,
straight, slender midrib raging from
the center. On each side of each mid
rib there is a transparent, thin blade
with a crenate edge. How full Of the
creative genius is the air in which these
are generated. l should hardly admire
more IL real stars fell and lodged on
my coat. Nature is full Of genius, full
of the divinity, so that not snowflake
escapes its fashioning hand. Nothing
Is cheap and coarse, neither dewdrops
nor snowflakes.-Henr D. Thoreau.
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26
Soy Beans as a Catch Crop

Soy beans as catch crop on wheat
or oats stubble have proved quite de-
sirable. These plants belong to the
same family as the cowpeas. Chinch
bugs do not work on them, they are
great drought resistsrs, and they yield
a very valuable grain for mixing with
corn or Kaffir corn or for balancing
the ration with other feeds. They con-
tain nearly twice as much protein as
cowpeas and yield more grain, but not
so much foliage or forage. The plant
grows erect and has many branches
Oklahoma Experiment Station.
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26
COLLEGE,;
THE NEW WAY TO CURE DYSPEPSIA
ASE GERMS OF THE STOMACH.

quantity of the purest Pepsin and other ex-
pensive drugs each tablet contains, (see
formula on bottle.) Pepsoids are sold at so
cents bottle on an absolute guarantee to
cure, or money refunded. We will send
you, if you have not used Pepsoids before,
so-cent bottle FREE; merely send us
your name and address, and you will re-
ceive promptly full sized bottle. You do
not obligate yourself to pay cent. All we
ask after Pepsoids have cured or greatly
benefited You is, that you recommend
Pepsoids to your friends. Every man
n skowhegan by C. r. Focc, Drug
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26
Modest Claims Often Carry The Most
CoDv ction.

When Maxim, the famous gun inventor,
placed his gun before committee Of judges,
he stated its carrying power to be much be-
low what he felt sure the gun would accom-.
plsh. The result Of the rial was therefore
a great surprise, instead of disappointment
1t is the same with the manufacturers Of
Chamberans Collie, Cholera and Diarrhoea
Remedy They do not publicly boast Of all
this remedy will accomplish, but prefer 10
let the users make the statements. What
they do claim. is that it will positively cure
diarrhoea. dysentary. pains in the stomach
and bowels and has never been known to
fail. For sale by G. K. Fogg's Drug Store,
Skow cyan; L. c. Williams Athens; Sullivan
Newton, Jackman.
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26

When a lazy man comes home 10 sup
Der he likes TO tel his wife how hard he
worked all day.
"Had dyspepsia or indigestion for years. No
ppetite. and what did eat distTt ssed me ter
by. Burdock Blood bittefs cured me-. H.
walker, unbury Ohio
Some men are kept so busy critici,ing
others ,ha, they have no time to accom-
plish anything themselves,
Don't let the baby suffer from eczsma sores or
any 1t hing of The skin. Doans Ointment gives
instant relief. cures quickly. Perfectly safe for
children. All druggists sell It.
Shoplfters should go into drug store
and lake something tor What's the matter
with them.
Constipation causes headache, rausea. dizzi.
ness, languor heart palpitaliou. Drastic ply
sizes gripe, sicten. weak en- the bowels and Don I
cure. Dosn's Regulets act gently and cure con-
stipation. % cents. ASH Your druggist
Only the man who is blody in love
fails TO see through coat OF complexion
paini.
Never can tell when you'll mash a finger or
suffer a cat. hruise. burn or scald. be prepared
Or Thomas Eclectric Oil instantly relieves the
pain--quickly cure the wound.
One OF the unsal'iac,o,y things Of this
world is a sensible love lelier.
For Over Sixty Year.
MRS. wIHsLow's SOOTHING SYRUP has been
used for over 81 years by millions OF mothers
Tor tn cir children while teething, with perfect
success 1t soothes the child, softer 8 the gums
allaye all pain; cures WIND Iolic, and Is tt G
best remedy for Disrrhoes. 1t will relieve the
poor little sufferer immediately, Sol by
Druggists In every part of the world. Twenty.
Ave cen'sR hottie Re snTe and ask for "Mrs
Wi slows Soothing syrup," and take no other
kind
Some mems idea OF perseverance is 10
see how long they can cherish III feelug
for some cal or iancied grievance.
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26

SOFT FOOD RACK.

four feet long, twelve inches wide and
one aud one quarter inches thick. The
two edges are beveled little to make
the lath strips come about four inches
apart at their upper ends. Seven or
eight laths are enough. The upright
strips are about a foot long. placed
about three inches apart and nailed
with cllnch nails above. When the
upper parts are complete the lower
ends are nailed to the base with shin
gle nails. The food Is put In at the
top"
The Somerset reporter., 1906-07-26

We learned the value of sod building
by the way of top dressing with good
old barnysrd manure, the way Mr..
Agee and Mr.. Seeds learned, by practi-
cal experience born Of pure necessity.
On our worn soils at least there Is no
place like the meadows for barnyard
manure, says a Michigan man in Ma
tional stockman. One good application
Of dung will yield two big hay crops
and leave sod At for a three year
rotation of the best possible character.