davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

show off their best clothes. Finished
up as he glanced over his audience:
II am thankful to see, dear friends.
that none Of you have come here for
that reason"
An Irish clergyman is credited with
having concluded a powerful grafton
in this fashion: MY brethren, let not
this world rob you of a peace which it
can neither give nor take away"
Which is coupled with the remark Of q
fellow country colleague who in rea-
sOning with a woman who had lost
her faith in Christianity told her:
well, you will go to hell, you know.
and shall be very sorry, indeed, to
see you therew
But what can be said Of the negro
student who conducting the prayers
at one of the great missionary colleges.
said: "Give us all pure hearts, give us
all clean hearts, give us all sweet
hearts" to which the entire congrega-
ton made response, Amen"
The giving out of church notices
has often proved a pitfalI for the I'M
wary. During Lent" said a rector
lately, several preachers will preach
on Wednesday evenings; but 1 need
not give their names, as they will be
all found hanging up in the porch"
1t was a rector who gave out a
hymn beginning Awake, my soul,
stretch every nerve" before his SER
mon, and curate who read in the
lesson for the day, HE spake the
words, and cathoppers came and
grassipillars innumerable;" but it was
at young woman's Bible class that,
when asked what hymn should be
sung at the close, they all with one
accord chose where is my wandering
boy to-night?"
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
SOME CLERICAL BLUNDERS.
HUMOROUS Mistakes Made by Pas
tors in the Pulpit.

Humorous Mistakes Made by Pas
tors in the Pulpit.
Each profession has it's stock Jokes,
its stories innumerable, and to each
belongs flavor all it's own. That the
point Of jest lies not in the tongue
of him who makes it, but in the ear
that hears, is the testimony of the
great dramatist. The doctor on his
rounds and the judge upon the bench
have both an audience ready and will
ing to accept as the highest wit the
bonmots Of the speakers; and there
is no club or gathering Of men that
does not acclaim one Of it's members
as supreme in this respect and is not
ready to yield due recognition Of the
gift, says Chambers Journal. There
is, however, a vast amount of uncon-
sciOuS humOr always floating about.
and to those who perceive it the world
is ever very amusing. 1t must be adj
mitted that the plumbers and jests
clerical stand for some reason pre-
eminent both in number and in mirth-
producing qualities. The reason. of
course, is not far to seek: the very
surroundings in which they occur. the
very upsetting of ones. precOnceived
notions Of reverence, all tend to cause
a reaction in the ordinary mental
equilibrium, and the simplest mistake
or accident under such circumstances
assumes the proportions of a huge
comedy.
The divine who in drawing the at
tention of his congregation TO q sne-
cial communion service on the follow
ing Sunday informed them that .'the
Lord is with US in the forenoon ana
the bishop in the evening" is chron-
icled with praying for the children
of his parish, in these words: "And
now, 0 Lord, bless the lambs of this
fold and make them meet for the
kingdom of heaven" While q Scotch
minister innocently, perhaps. hit the
mark by telling his people: "WeeI.
friends, the kirk is urgently in need Of
siller; and as we have failed to get
money honestly, we will have to see
what a bazaar can do for u.s."
There is certain amount of excuse
TO be made for the young curatc who.
remarking that some people came to
church for no better reason than to
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
Use for Old shoes.

Janitors collect the shoes cast away
by tenants and send them to auction
rooms, where they are sorted into piles
marked Men," Women" children. .
Several poor people made fair bids,
but the auctiOneer did not seem eager
to sell. Finally a red-faced man push
ed his way through the crowd and Of
fered 10 cents apiece for the whole lot.
His bid was successful.
Il was killing time with talk waiting
for that fellow" said the auctioneer
afterward. He always pays high for
these shoes, and he does not want them
for wearing, either He wants to beat
them out for the leather in them. He
gets what material there is, puts it
through a process and makes stamped
imitation leather novelties, such as pic
ture frames, bags, pocketbooks, pen
knife holders and even chair backs and
seats. He finds a ready sale for these
novelties and gets a good price for
them."-Shoe Retailer.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
WINTER WEAKNESS
Dr.. Williams Pink Pills the Tonic
That Most People Need for
Blood and Nerves.

In winter the air of the close rooms in
which we spend so much of the time
does not furnish enough oxygen to the
lungs to burn out the foul matter in the
blood. In the cold season we donot exer-
else as much andthe skin and kidneysdo
not throw off the waste matter as freely
as usual. The system becomes overloaded
with poisonous matter, and too feeble
to throw it of. Relief can be had only
through the use Of remedy that viii
promptly and thoroughly purify and
strengthen the blood, and the one best
adapted for this purpose is the great
blood tonic known as DR.. Williams Pink
Pills.
"They acted like magic in my case,
said Mrs. Clara +. Wilde, of No. 377
Farnsworth avenue, Detroit, Mich. "I
was weak and thin and could not sleep.
My stomach and nerves were out of or
der. I can't describe how miserable I
really was. l dragged through six
months of feeblepess, growing weaker
all the time until finally hadn 'tstrength
enough to leave my Bed.
''Ihen glad day came, the day when
began to take DR.. Williams Pink Pills.
lucy n<'ue 1u5 1eel SCfOng rlgnG away.
My appetite came back, took on flesh
and the color returned to my cheeks.
People wondered that these pills did for
me what the doctors couldn't do. I took
only six boxes and then was perfectly
well. If had not found this " wonderful
remedy surely think that must have
wasted to death. Believing firmly that
these pills saved my life by the strength
which they gave me at a critical mo-
ment, unhesitatingl recommend there
to others"
DR.. Williams Pink Pills contain no
stimulant but give strength that lasts.
They may be obtained at any drug
store
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
What the Blind See.

Il can always tell when people are
looking at me-" said a blind man.
Indeed, nearly all blind persons can
tell when people are looking at them.
Il have always about me a soft gold
en- glow Of light. When people whom
I like come into my presence this glow
becomes paler, lovelier. When those
| dislike are about, the glow is dark
ened and besmirched.
II can see what kind of characters
people have by the touch of their hands.
There is individuality i'll the touch. A
mans touch shows me whether he is
alert or sluggish, cold or passionate,
kind or cruel.''
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

Senator F'rye's proposition to pen
sion the members Of the life-saving
service at the rate of seventy-fve per
cent of the pay they receive at the
time Of retirement will appeal to every
one who is familiar with the labors Of
these heroic citizens. The Iife-savers
patrol the shores of the Great Lakes
and the coasts of the Atlantic, the
Pacific and the Gulf, in all weathers,
on the watch for ships in distress, and
risk their own lives in their efforts to
save the lives of others.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
OVER SEA HABIT.

Difference on This Side the Water.
The persistent effect upon the heart
of caffeine in coffee cannot but result
in the gravest conditions, in time.
Each attack Of the drug (and that
means each cup of coffee weakeps the
organ a little more. and the end is al
most matter of mathematical demon
stration. A lady writes from a West
ern State:
Il am of German descent, and it
was natural that l should learn at
very early age to drink coffee. Until
| was % years old 1 drank scarcely
anything else at my meals.
"a few years ago l began to be af-
fected by a steadily increasing ner-
vousness, which eventually developed
into distressing heart trouble that
made me very weak and miserable.
Then, some three years ago, was add
ed asthma in its worst form. My suf-
ferings from these things can be bet
ter imagined than described.
During all this time my husband
realized more fully than l did that cof-
fee was injurious to me, and made
every effort to make me stop.
FINALLY it was decided a few
months ago, to quit the use of coffee
absolutely, and to adopt Postum Food
Coffee as our hot table drink. 1 had
but little idea that it would help me.
but consented to try it to please nv
husband. l prepared it very carefully.
exactly according to directions. and
was delighted with its delicious flavor
and refreshing qualities.
Just IS soon as the poison from
the coffee had time to get out Of my
system the nutritiye properties Of the
Postum began to build me up, and |
am now fully recovered from all my
nervousness, heart trouble and asthma.
| gladly acknowledge that now. for the
first time in years, l enjoy perfect
health, and that l owe il all to Post
um.' Name given by Postum Co. Bat
tie Greek, Mich.
There's a reason. Read the little
book, The Road to Wellville' in pkgs.
Postum Food Coffee contains nci
drugs of any description whatsoever.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
Apples Scarce.

The retail dealers efforts to account
for the prices of his articles are some
times interesting. A housekeeper the
other day asked a groceryman in DI-
vision street:
"Why are apples so high in price,"
Because they're scarce, ma'am."
But, she protested, 1.-The papers
said the crop was SO enormous that ap-
pies were retting on the trees"
"Yes'm. That's why they're scarce.
1t didn't pay to pick 'em."- Chicago
Inter-Ocean.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
The Horse Trough.

There have been many philan-
thropists in the past who have left
monuments to their names in the
shape of drinking troughs for horses,
little thinking that they were con-
tributing to the spread of disease
through the equine family" said
prominent veterinary surgeon the 9th
er day. ITO be thoroughly up to date,
scientifically speaking, drinking
places for horses should be just as
sanitary as those for human beings.
These stationary tanks do more to
spread the CHAMBERS, farcy, epizootic
and kindred diseases among horses
than anything else. There should be
a law to prevent their building and
use.
1.-THE only safe place for a horse to
drink, next to natural running
stream, is from a fountain of clear
flowing water. If buckets are used
they should be sterilized thoroughly
after use.
"The average truckman of any in
telligence will never water his horses
at any public trough, no matter how
elaborate it may be- He knows bet
ter. The health authorities of this
country are spending millions to pre-
vent the spread of tuberculosis and
kindred diseases among humans, but
so far as | know nothing has been
done to protect the health of the most
useful of domestic animals Chi
cago Inter Ocean.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

TODD father Of six sons made one or
them a preacher, one of them a ply
stefan, one of them a lawyer and one
a politician or a soldier. Only the
black sheep, the harum- scarum and
the unstudious were sent into count
lighthouses and factories. To-day be
hold the change! The flower Of Amer
ica's young manhood is at work not in
the hospitals or the courts but in iron
foundries and slaughter-houses. The
younger Vanderbilts are firemen and
engineers. The younger Armours Stay
the protesting swine. The professions,
beginning by being overcrowded, have
become improbable, and soon they
may be sadly neglected. The law
does not offer such prizes as the can
ned goods trade or copper-smelting.
The ministry is not comparable, in
point Of profit, with frenzied finance
or the mail order business.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

At shorter or longer intervals Of time
waves Of impulse or feeling of one kind
or another run through society, mani
Testing themselves sometimes in one
way and sometimes in another. It is
not always easy to account for the con-
dttion Of feeling underlying the mani
festations, but we can usually have
some quite intelligent notion Of some,
at least, Of the reasons why a sensitive
condition manifests itself in a particu-
lar way. Not long ago there fell to-
gether a surprising number Of suicides
and murders or attempts at one or the
other or both. Immediately there were
efforts to account for them and the al
legged causes were about equally divided
between the weather and the newspa-
pers. The same thing has been notice
able on other occasions when similar
waves Of morbid feeling have been
manifested and, oddly enough, it has
not seemed to make much difference
what the weather was. Dull, gloomy
weather would be accused of a depress-
ing effect and crisp, bright weather OF
provoking abnormal nervous conditions.
Winter and summer alike, the weather
was to blame. But as long as men
have existed they have known aII kinds
Of weather; therefore, how can the
weather account for the obvious in
crease in recent years in the tendency
to suicide or that Of crimes of violence
nd of who he
newspapers as a rule do so on the
ground that they print too forid &C
counts of acts Of the kind referred to,
thereby fmpelling men to initiate each
other, to fall into a fashion. But only
the type Of newspaper called yellow
does this in marked degree, and news
papers were blamed in this way before
the yellow type was known. Is it not
more reasonable to look for the cause
in men themselves? If there are diff
ferences in the way feeling is manifest
ed is it not probable that they arise
from differences in men growing out
Of differences in their training, their
experiences or the ways in which they
are taught to look upon life? In past
generations men were taught to regard
misfortune, hardship, sorrow, disap-
pOintments, as all having a disciplinary
purpose and value. Along with this
they were taught that all discipline
tends to their good, that he who would
fit himself for command must first learn
obedience to constituted authority and
that only through understanding this is
self-command attained and only through
self-command can order and health and
safety come. Within a generation or
two all this teaching Of the uses Of
adversely and the value of discipline
whereof obedience is the first law has
been relaxed, and relaxed where harm
from it's absence is most sure to come.
in mems homes. They have been in
creasingly permitted to grow up weed
like, with no law but their own per-
sonal caprfces. They have grown i'm
patient of all restraint and when their
will is thwarted or adversely overtakes
them they rebel, break out in passion
ate resentment and in wrath or repin-
ing they seek to take the law into
their own hands," Is not this more
reasonable explanation than the wealth
er or the newspapers?
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
~~~~~~~~~~

The manuscript of Swinburne's
First Book of Ballads" has been sold
for $1,000.
s A blessed companion is a book-a
book that fifty chosen is a lifelong
friend.-Douglas Jerrold.
Mr.. Bishops experience in yellow
journalism is no doubt what enabled
him to make such a striking success
In yellow canalism.
Clarence S. barrow, the Chicago
author Of "An Eye for an Eve" has
practiced law for a dozen years, but
says that he has never taken a case
against labor.
In his essay on Heroes in Humble
Life" in the volume, 1.-THE Compan-
onship Of Books" published by the
Putnams, DR.. Frederick Rowland
Marvin voices Andrew Carnegie's
views which led to the latter's FUND
for the Reward of Heroism."
Edward Atkinson, who died sud
denly recently while on his way to
his office, in Boston, was we'll known
as a statistician and economist. and
was the author of Facts and Figures.
the Basis OF Economic Science" pub
ished by Houghton, Mf1in & Co.
1t is asserted by the newspapers
that women are writing the best fic-
ton of to-day. The head of a large
publishing house goes further and de-
clares that ''nine-tenths OF the good
iction Of to-day is written by wo-
men," The substantial profits many
women receive tell loudly and convinc-
ngly that in this channel their work
IS rated besides that Of mere man."
A book the admirers of Thackeray
will rejoice to possess has been
published. 1t is Mrs. Brookfeld and
Her Circle" and is compiled by her
son and daughter-in-law from family
manuscripts never before used. It was
to Mrs. Brookfeld that Thackeray ad-
dressed q series Of letters, delightful
In their charm and humor. Mrs.
Brookfield was the original Of Lady
Cast1ewood in Henry Esmond," and
her husband was the Rev. Frank
Whitestock of his touching little
sketch, 1.-THE Curate's Walk" Charles
Brookfeld, son of this couple, is a
well-knOwn actor and an excellent
story teller. One of his stories re-
ferred to his father, of whom, though
very fond, he stood rather in awe and
did not come to know intimately.until
about three years before his death.
One evening, when the lad was about
10, he was hiding in a lumber room,
Burreptitiously smoking, when Brook
field, Sr., suddenly discovered him. Il
am astounded," gravely exclaimed the
father, that you, whom 1 always re-
garded as straightforward and
rightminded lad, should hide your
self in this manner to indulge in the
clandestine use of that abominable
weed, tobacco. But since you have
contracted this odious, paltry, coward
ly, indecorous, unsanitary, pestilential
habit, and [ suppose it's. too late to
try and break yourself Of it, why not
come and smoke socially with me in
my study?" Every after that son and
father smoked comfortably together
every day and grew into an affection
ate intimacy
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

The cosmopolitan character Of all
sorts Of organizations in the United
States is constantly brought to light.
Of the eleven men who composed the
association football team of one of
the great colleges during the recent
season only one was an American.
There were two Dutchmen = real
Dutchmen, from Holland-one En-
glishman, one Scotchman, a Boer from
South Africa, a Filipino, a Bulgarian,
a Peruvian, and two players from Ar
gentina. The Bulgarian seems to
have been .foreordained to football.
His name is Dragoshinoff.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
HOW She Helms.

II don't see how I'd get along with
out Mary, nOhow," Mrs. Brady OBJ
served, pausing to wipe the perspiration
from her aged features and put an
other bar Of soap into the steaming
suds, while her daughters voice at the
piano could be distinctly recognized
floating out from the adjoining parlor.
Il don't see how I'd get along with
out that girl, nohow. Always on these
days when have the hardest work she
just picks out her incest pieces, like
Sweet Rest By and By Mothers
Growing DID, and sings them for me
before she goes out to visit her young
friends. 1t is not every girl who would
be so thoughtful, I can tell you. Now,
most of them would just bang away,
with Jordan Is a Hard Road to Tray
ell or 'Whoop En- Up, Eliza Jane But
she is not that kind Of a girl. She is
a lot of comfort to me; yes, lots of COM
fort" And Mrs. Brady famed herself
vigorously with her sOiled apron, pre-
paratOry to running the clothes through
the second water. Chicago Inter
Ocean.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

Suppose some seemingly sanctifed
person should go around the streets
altering audible prayers in the hear
ing Of other people and mixing them
up with his conversation. People
would call him crazy and would look
for an excuse for sending him to an
asylum. The general opinion would
be that he was daffy. And yet there
are fellows by the dozen who in pub
lie and in private mix senseless oaths
and causeless profanity with their
conversation. Why should the man
whose seeming devotion to divinity ex-
ceds good sense and propriety be
graded as a lunatic while the numer-
Gus fellow who is given to causeless
cussing be regarded as all right, only
a little rough in his talk?
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
ATTACHMENT FOR RRooMs.
A Dustpan Into Which the Dust and
Dirt Is Readily Swept.

In the illustration below is shown a
dustpan attachment for brooms, such
as is used in sweeping the floors Of
dwellings, the invention of a Califor-
MIA man. 1t can readily be applied to
any ordinary broom and operated to
enable the dirt to be swept into the
pan conveniently and without neces-
stating the sweeper to stoop closely
over the dustpan during the opera
ton. The attachment connecting the
dustpan with the broom is made Of
wire bent to form a clasp to the
broom handle. Between this clasp and
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

The public debt Of Russia was So
497,00000O year ago, and the annual
interest charge was something over
$156,OOO,OOO. That ought not to be a
great burden for over 100000 peo-
ple-not much more than 81 a head.
But the fact that three-fifths of the
interest is payable abroad tells the
story of popular poverty and official
profgacy. So populous a country
ought to be able to borrow more than
that at home and at a rate of interest
not exceeding 3 per cent, whereas the
average rate is nearly AZ per cent.
Even though they bear that average
rate the securities now command an
average Of only about 81 on the mar
kets, thanks to domestic troubles.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
Just one Exception.

Mr.. Knox-O, yes, he's professional
masher. Some men simply can't keep
their eyes off the ladies.
Mrs. Knox-Yes, unless those same
men happen to be sitting in a street
car while the ladies are standing
Philadelphia Press.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

Many of the abandoned farms in
New England are to be devoted to the
raising Of BIN D-s apples. The farms
are more abandoned than the public
generally has supposed.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
Nafura1 NFisfnke.

Servant-Step this way, Mr.. Lord.
Caller Lord? My name is Smith.
Servant Beg pardon, sir. When
showed your card to the missus, she
said: 'Oh, Lord, show him in''-
Cleveland Leader.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

The father Of the New York woman
who could not struggle along on 100000
a year was propheticaIly named Work.
A good man; American fathers belong
to the same family.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

That stone image of Satan which a
Detroit man set up in his front yard
has been sold for $40 to satisfy a debt
incurred in making it. Some per-
sonal friend of the original must have
been among the bidders.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

Taking railway passes from congress
men will amount to a reduction Of
salary. Isn't it unconstitutional to re-
duce a congressman's salary while he
is in office? Of course it is.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

A preacher has no right to be rich
unless he gets it by marrying a rich
woman, and the people find it hard
to forgive even such married~on
prosperity.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14
Announcements

"Can you advance any argument to
show why your political principles
should VIM"
NO." answered Mr.. Dustin Stax,
"but I can advance considerable cash."
Washington Star.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

AS Japan has big unemployed"
problem on its hands, it may find that
there are some things quite as annoy
ing as war.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1906-02-14

Emperor Nicholas has enough do
mestic trouble to shatter the nerves Of
any other Little Father"