The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1906-01-19


a chance. There are various different
kinds Of doctors who prey upon human
life, but they are easily classified.
The Family Doctor is perhaps the
best known. His ignorance is not spe-
cialiZed, but extends to all parts of
the human anatomy He comes usually
about four or five hours after he is
needed, feels of your pulse, looks at
your tongue, probes your diaphragm
for appendicitis. writes in q mortified
language on n printed slip and goes
away with the remark that you will
be all right in a day or so or that you
may possibly live three months. as the
case may be. If you are young and ig-
norant You are either frightened TO
death or SuffuSed with gentle glow
of cOnvaleScence. in accordance with
what You have been told But if You
are an old stager YOU roll over in bed.
call for q stiff drink Of whisky, throw
the prescription ont of the window and
sweat it out. \ Family Doctor is-noth-
ing bur a personitied habit You pay
him to come ana tell you there is no
danger, and if he thinks there is you
drop him ana move up one. You began
at the foot of the class, and now you
rush off and consult a Specialist.
n Specialist is a man who lives in
town either on the first floor of a =.
smart apartment house or in a house
Of his own. When he lives in an apart
ment house you pay him SO to shake
hands with him, but when he lives in
his own home you place a first mort
gage on all the property in your wife's
name As you enter his office you see
china closet full Of gittering instru-
mentS which YOU begin to feel enter
ing your system at various points.
Your eye lights then upon nickel
plated fountain of running water,
which YOU Surmise is to wash away all
evidence of the crime You feel at
once that you are in no condition 10
cope with this array Of science. You
are all run down anyway, and a brave
man would quake. But summoning up
what little courage is left you tell him
what the other doctors have thought
was the matter with you, and he
shakes his head obviously Then he
raises his hand warningly and tells
you to deSiSt He doesn't want TO
know what the other doctors thought.
Why should any one with such a fund
of ignorance in himself wish TO have it
encroached upon? You don't make this
remark to yourself then. but you do
about six months later.
You are requested TO disrobe. You do
So feeling pale all over and hoping he
nd I,a IL,
tly with a hammer, peeks in between
your ribs, listens at the door of your
heart for murmurs and flashes a dark
lantern through your alimentary canal.
BY This time you are frightened to
death You feel that all hope is lost.
You see long funeral procession wind
ing its slow way along. You are play
ing the leading part in it. You can feel
the lavender satin and that awful still
ness. like a reunion of the Metropolitan
club. 1t is all over. After all, what
difference does it make? Suddenly you
awake from your vision, and your
friend the Specialist taps you on the
shoulder and says that if you will stop
smoking drinking. sitting up late
nights, leave your business and come
and live in his Office for six months or
year and give him all you've got
there is a faint chance that you may
get we'll. And if you don't? Well,
there is that three months limit.
You leave him cordially and tell him
you Will let him know. Then you 20
to some dark corner and figure out on
the back of an old envelope just how
r11tIgl wit h.
staring You i'm the face. There is that
funeral procession again Never mind.
A short life and a merry one. You re-
solve to die.
Six months later. as you meet your
friend the Specialist on the avenue I'M
expectedly and bow pleasantly, you
feel secret sense Of shame to think
that he has caught you alive.