davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
Two interpretations.

An eastern college decided to add a
chair for sign languages and sent
abroad for a professor. The students
learning Of this on his arrival put up a
job on him and showed him into the
presence of Pat, the janitor, a one-eyed
1rishman.. Later, when the professor
met the president of the college he said:
9 Do you know what a treasure your
janitor is7 He is thoroly conversant
with the sign language !.
Asked to explain he said: Upon
my arrival [ bowed to the janitor and
he bowed in return. held up an
orange, to show the. world is round. He
produced loaf of bread, meaning the
staff of life. Il held up one finger to
show there is but one God. He held uI
two. signifying Father and Son. / held
up three fingers, showing Father, Sor
and Holy Ghost. He clenched his fist
to show all three are in one.o
Pat on being questioned said: Sure
and he came into the room wild low
bow. not to be outdone by spal
peen of a foreigner bowed the same
He showed me an orange, SO I'd know
what the loikes of him had to eat, and
pulled out me rye bread which was bet
liter than his orange. He stuck up his
finger because had only wan eye, and
| j stuck up me two because my wan was
as good as his two, he put up three be
cause betwixt the both of us we ha6
| only had three eyes, and / shook me fist
SO if he didn't go quick, / q smash hi.
| two eyes into wan. - w. f. IS.
Excelsior. MINI,
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29

the greatness of an individual, is meas
ured by service. It also has an opport-
tunity to prove that the oriental can
be led by eadvice and improved by ex-
ample andSd not need to be coerced
by military power. .Z..-.:
Our reservations ought to contain
model schools, with a central college,
experimental farms and institutions in
which the people could be trained IN
the arts and industries most suited to
the natural resources Of the country.
Our nation is untitled by history and
and by. tradition to exploit the tropical
countries according to the methods en-
pioyed by some of the monarchs Of Eu-
requires a large military expenditure;
if we were to- attempt to make our own
people bear such a burden, they would
soon protest; if we were to make the
Filipinos bear it,, it would crush. them.
The Filipinos would resist such a pohcsY,
if employed by us, more bitterly than
if it were employed by a European
country, because they have learned
i from us the lessons Of liberty. Subject
peoples are not willing laborers, and our
Esouptry would not indorse a system Of
ssS@edapulsQry labor. Education, too, is
1 Inconsistent with permanent colonial
system. and cannot be carried far with:
out danger to the ruling power. 81
+ X :s-sE.ssS<z
4 *" We: must choose, therefore, between
| two policies, and the sooner the choice
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29

from us; that 1t would be more just to
allow-the- Philippine tariff to be made
by the Philippine assembly soon to be
established. The Filipinos belong to
the orient and their dealings must be
largely with the countries of the orient;
unless they are in a position to have
their tariff laws conform to their geo.
graphical position, there must necessar-
lily be friction and injustice.
p SO important are geographical con-
siderations that Americans who see fit
to take up their residence upon such
reservations as we retain for harbors,
coaling stations and naval base ought
to be freed from the letters Of our tariff
laws and shipping laws. / even ven
ture to suggest the creation of an
oriental territory, to- be composed Of
such stations and reservations as we
may now have or hereafter acquire in
the orient. This, territory should have
delegate in congress like other terri
tories, Shut should be free by constitu,
tional amendment from our tariff laws
and permitted to 1egislate8 for itself
upon this subject. It could thus es
lstablish free ports, If it chose, and give
ktoxits people the trade advantages en-
loved 4by those who live in Hongkong
Singapore and other open ports.
81 !. + + =
| eInsvrhat I have said about i9depen!dl
Effppiines, I have been speaking Of Luzo1
aarnid the. other islands north Of Min
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
In These ssPhone-y'' DAYS.

d. =
The desk phone rang. The cashier
of the meatshop lifted the receiver and
spoke the challenging:
" Hello9'
Hello,'' came a masculine voice,
e Hold the. line moment, please, =
answered the girl, and then slipping
Ter hand over the mouthpiece Of the
phone she called to the old German
clerk 81. 50
: Henry, a gentleman wants to know
if we have any brains today. I"
Yours ISIS all We got-ve can It
spare dem, = he answered CALAMITY.
'"%Dell him, if he wait til tomorrow yet,
We hat some. -
In a leisure moment little laterghe
came over to the desk.
Ach, Miss Daisy he said, .you
shouldn't let der customers speak 50
sassy to you on der telephone. -
just then the phone rang. The girl
handed the receiver over to Henry
Mrs. Re- wants to speak to you. .
she said
g Hello he spoke in his laborious
telephone voice, dis--iss Henry. -
Hello, !, Mrs r Is clear tones
reached the cashiers ears too Have
you fresh tongue, Henrya"
st. Paul, MINI. E. 4. s
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
THIRD PRIZE
This story gets 81.
A Difference with a Distinction.

Noah Webster was, as might
naturally be supposed, a stickler for
he he had frequent Sd occasions oc to take axe
exception to Mrs. Webster's use-or,
as he termed it, misuse-of words.
On one. occasion Webster happened
to be in the dining room alone,
when a very pretty housemaid entered.
Noah. being somewhat susceptible to
feminine charms, according to the
chronicler, walked over to the girl, put
his arms about her waist, and kissed her
squarely on the mouth.
Just at this moment Mrs. Webster
entered the room, gasped, stood aghast,
and in tone of horror exclaimed:
why, Noah, I am surprised!o
Whereupon Mr.. Webster, coolly and
calmly. but with every evidence Of dis.
gust, turned upon her. g How many
times must I correct you on the use Of
simple words2'' he remarked You
mean that you are astonished. I, madam
am the one that is surprised. -
Osakis, MINI. &C. E. Warberg.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29

dress before consultation. One day a
meek little man entered at the busiest
hour. He was dressed completely from
black hat to gray gloves. -
Take off your clothes if you want
to see me, commanded the doctor
gruffy, warding off stanmering explain
ations by repeating the order.
When his turn had come again the
meek little man re-entered The doc
"Now what can 1 do for you, sir7,,
asked the doctor in professional tones.
There was a world Of patience in tho
reply: 81 merely came to-collect
your subscription for the foreign mis-
sionary society.
The Doctors diagnosis Of the case is
not recorded. r. E. D.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
The Morning PRAYER.

The minister regarded the little girl
grayely. She was a demure little thing
in her simple white frock, but her big
eyes. were full of mischief.
II. Well, little girl, do you say your
prayersY'', asked the minister suddenly.
He had come to dinner, and the hos
tess had been called from the room for
a space Of some minutes.
. Oh, yes, sir, = she answered.
And what do you say, little maid9''
She repeated q little prayer softly. y
Mother taught it to me and I say
it.every night, she added.
Do you say a prayer in the morn
ing, too, my dearF' he asked, well
pleased.
q Ye-es,D said the child. 8 'Tisn Il
one mama taught me; I heard nurse
say. it,
20 And what is it9O
up,' M. C. {
729 Tenth avenue Sc.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
A Good Speaker.

t Z
|" Former Speaker Reed had visited a
,barbershop in Washington for a shave:
After the darkey barber had scrape,l
bis, chin, he began to cast about for
further work. or for chance to sell
him hair tonics.
! b - Hair purity thin, sub, - he said fin
gering the two. or three stray locks that
.fringed Mr.. Reed 8 bald pate. Been
that way long, suh9'
~ was born that n Res3
Of hirsute efflorescence, but it did not
endure" y
The barber gasped and said no more:
Later some one told him he had shaved
the speaker. ;,
I" speakahl'' he exclaimed. "Don 7
I know dat? I should say he was a
speakah, sure 'nuf!'' j. T. K.
Hillsboro, N. D.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
FIRST PRIZE
This story gets SIS.
Plenty Of Fish. :

The young preacher was rather nerv-
Gus, and in referring, in his sermon, to
the miracle of the feeding Of the 5000,
said: And the Lord fed FIVE men with
1000 loaves and 1000 fishes"
AN Irishman in the audience called
cut: GsBedad! could do that meself -
There was a general litter and the
young preacher, in some confusion, fin
ished his sermon. BY. the next Sunday
he had decided to correct his mistake
and rebuke the Irishman, SO at the
proper time he again referred to the
miracle, saying: And the Lord fed
5000 with seven loaves and two fishes.
Pointing his finger at the Irishman, he
said; ssCould you do that, Mr.. Muir.
phy9,
.1.sYis, I think Z could, yer reverence
with what I had left over from last
Sunday was the quick reply.
Cannon Falls, MINI. "A. T. G.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
A Wedding Innovation.

Congressman Perkins was in the Of
fee Of a friend, justice of the peace,
After the ceremony the justice accept:
ed modest fee and handed the bride
an umbrella as she went out.
Mr.. Perkins looked gravely on and
asked: "Do you always do that,
Charles9'' :.
"Do what9 Marry them9 Oh, yes"
"No. mean bestow present upon
the bride. -
IA presentq Why, WASH t that her
umbrella7' asked the justice.
No; it was mine, - replied the con.
gresham, sadly.
Theodore Blegen.
1927 Thirteenth avenue s.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
Bv wlI,lss, Jennings Bryan.

49, Copyright in Great Britain
All Rights Reserved.) g.s s4
& INGAPoRE.-In speaking Of Phil
ippine independence I have pre-
~ sented some of the reasons given
by Fiipinos for desiring it, but there
are arguments which ought to appeal pea.
onr duty to maintain colonial policy,
no argument could be made against it,
because duties are imperative and newer
conflict. If, on the other hand, the
! Filipinos desire independence and are.
1 capable Of self gov eminent, we cannon
instify the retention of the islands I'M,
Tess we are prepared to put our own
interests above theirs, and even then
we must be satisfied that our interests
viii be advanced. : ....'.E
In the beginning Of the controversy
there were many who: believed that
the Philippine islands would become
a source Of profit to the United States.
multitude of Americans would flock to
the islands and find rich reward in the
! development Of their resources. These
hopes have not been realized. Except
in Mindanao, Of which shall speak
later, there is no evidence of any pres
emit or future colonization by Ameri-
cans. There are few Americans en-.
gagged in business in Manila and at
Other army posts, but these are insig-
nifcant in number and the business
done by them is nothing as compared
with the cost Of colonialism to- the
United States, We are maintaining
about $4,000 American soldiers in the
islands and 5000 native scouts, Of
ficered by Americans and paid for by
the United States. 81, - ....'' -. :.
. Besides this outlay for the army, our
Philippine policy has been made the ex,
expenditures. While it is difficult to
determine accurately the annual cost
of our Philippine policy to the people
of the United States, it Is safe to say
that it exceeds the value of all the
merchandise that we export to the Phil
ippine islands and all the money made
by Americans in the islands, including
salaries paid to Americans from taxes
collected in the Philippines-and the
while the benefits are received by a
mere handful. No one, therefore, can
Justify the holding Of the Philippines
on the ground that they are a pecuniary
advantage.
If it is urged that we need the Phil
ippine islands as base for the extern.
sion. of our trade in the orient. I an
sWer that it is not necessary to deny
the Filipinos independence in order tc
hold sufficient number of harbors anG
coaling stations to answer all the re
aquirements Of trade. The Filipinos
are not only anxious to have the ad
vantage of our protection, but
they recognize that to protect then
we must have harbors and ma
val base. In return for the ser
vices we have rendered them we have
right to ask, and they would gladl,,
grant, such reservations as we nigh
need. These reservations could b,
properly fortified and would furnish
coaling stations both for our own nav,
and for our merchant marine.
It goes without saying that in cas-,
we had war with an oriental nation, i
would be Infinitely better to have tn
Filipinos supporting us, in their ow
interest as well as out of gratitude
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29

Prizes FOX stories printed on this
page are awarded as indicated.
For the coming week tt Jour
al again offers So, first prize; So,
second prize, and So, third prize, for
the best story you ever heard.''
It is not required that stories be
original, but new and good stories,
Z retold in the writer's own words,
will be considered in the competi-
ton. Write only on one side Of the
paper, giving name and address
with each story. Specify if you
want your initials used as signature.
Do not send clippings or enclose
stamps, as manuscripts will not be
returned. Stories should not ex-
coed 800 words, and should be Of a
humorous nature. Omit introduce
tions, and be brief. Checks will be
sent to prize winners.
Address, Best Story Editor, Jour-
nal, Minneapolis, MINI.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
Saluting the Mobility.

A visitor Of noble birth was expect
ed to arrive at large country house
in the north of England, and the: daugh-
ter of the house, aged was receiving
And now, dear, she said Z. when
the duke speaks to you do not forget
always to say your grace. I = 7s..
Presently the great man arrived, and
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
Eating His Destination.

A young goat had been shipped on
freight train to farmer in Mime
sofa. A tag, with shipping directions
thereon, had been tied securely around
his neck with rope, but in the course
Of the journey the goat s appetite
tempted him to chew up the tag and
rope. This gave the negro brakeman
much concern. He hurried to the con-
ductor. 49,
. Marse George" he cried, for de
land $ sake, where y'o specks to put
off dat goats p done eat up whah
'es gwine.
Freer, MINI.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
Kept His Religion.

An old negro in neighborhood town
arose in prayer meeting and said !:
'sBredderin and sisterin, I been a
mighty mean niger in my, time. I had
a heap er ups and downs specially
downs-since joined de church. i
stole chickens and watermelons, /
cussed, | don got drunk, shot craps,
I s1ashed udder coons wild my razzer, an
| done a sight er .udder things; but,
thank the good Lawd, bredderin and
sisterin, never yet lost my 'ligion. =
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
Boys. Bees and Bears.

A schooImistress asked her class Of
boys to put the nouns boys, bees and
bear into sentence.
The scholars thought intensely for a
few moments when a ragged youngster
with look of victory on his face
raised his hand.
.ssWell, johnnie said the teacher.
s what is your sentenced
Boys bees bare when they 60 in
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29

after greeting his host and hostess he
said to the child: s&
well, my dear, and what is your
Judge Of his surprise when the little
girl solemnly closed her eyes and, with
clasped hands, exclaimed: "For what
we are about to receive may we be
truly fankful, amen
Mrs. R. D. L.
Chatfie1d MINI
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
"a Minnesota Mrs. Partineton.

Yes, said the old lady, after the
conference, we are all clean tuckere,l
out. We boarded a locus preacher, a
circus rider, the sliding elder, the cleri-
cal exhauster besides one old superan-
mated chap "A. T. G.
1 Cannon Falls, Mimi
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29

Teacher Johnny, spell triangle.
Johnny T-r-i-a -n-g gle triangle.
Teach That's right. Now, Mary,
use triangle in sentence so / can tell
you know the meaning of the word.
3 Mary hesitates and the smart boy
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
Dry Enough.

A Scotch preacher had driven to an
afternoon appointment thru a pouring
rain, and as he entered the country
church he shook himself and remarked.
81 am wet to my skin; how will 7
ever preach today9'' +
Whereupon one of the sisters standing
BY, remarked: Get along into the
pulpit, man, ye II be dry enough there. Z
I Fargo, N. D.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
4co CEMETERY; SHOWING. low FlLplNos BURY THE DEAD.

is made the b better. AS wes cannot
adopt the European policy without a
radical departure from our ideals and
ultimately from our form Of govern;
ment at home, we are virtually forced
to adopt a plan distinctly America an
a plan in which advice, example and
hel pfulness shall be employed as means
of reaching the native heart. Some OF
the European nations have been con
tent to- seize land and develop 1T with
European capital and Chinese labor;
our plan must be to develop the natives
themselves by showing them better
methods and by opening before them
wider horizon. At our reservations
there would be religious. free dom, free
dom OF speech, freedom Of the press,
self government and public. instruction
for all, and every uplifting Influence
would, have free plays If ives believe
that right makes might and that truth
is within. itself az propagating power,
we cannot doubt the spread Of Amer
lean civilization from these American 15ll
centers. Il @ e., Z, - z ],
s. +. f. O., y
While the Philippine islands are
ments ought to be administered for the
benefit OF the Filipinos, in accordance
/ with Secretary Taft's promise. If
they aree to be subject te@our tariff
/ laws when they buy. Of other nations
they ought to have free trade with us,
I but the Philippine islands are. so far
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29

who knows everything, franticalh
waves his hand. : u :
!. Teacher-Well, Richard, you give :
sentence. "
Dick Dumping up)-If they won =
bite flies. try angle worms. =
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29

| Swimming The teacher did not call
/ ION any more of the class.
-. - - - Mrs Matilda O'Leary.
| Waterville, MINI.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
SECOND PRIZE
This story gets So.
ohaYed the Rnla.

a New York physician with large
practice makes it an answering rule
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-04-29
A Glass il, Definition.

729 Tenth avenue Sc.
Spirit of the age. [volume] (Woodstock, Vt.) 1845-1913, 1906-03-24
PETITION FOR DIVORCE

STATE OF VERMONT, whereas
WINDSOR CoUNTY, So. Maud A, Oar.
penter of Hartford, VT, has duly filed her
petition to the County Court, setting forth
her legal marriage to Silas w. Carpenter of
Hartford in the State of Vermont; that she
State of Vermont; that she hath
kept the marriage covenant; but that
the said Silas ". hath violated the same
for that at Boston in the County of Suffolk
in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, to
wit on the 3Oth day of June A. d. 1902, the
said Silas W. wilfully deserted the said
Maud A.. and said wilful desertisn hath
ever since continued and still continues;
wherefore the petitioner prays for bill of
divorce from the said Silas W. Carpenter.
And whereas it appears that said Silas w.
Carpenter is without this State, so that
the summons of said Court may not be
served upon him;
1t is thereupon ordered that the said Silas
W. be notified and required to appear in
and before said Court and make answer. il
any he have, and abide the order and judy
ment of said Court in the premises, at the
term thereof next to be held at Woodstock
in and for the County of Windsor in the
State of Vermont, on the first Tuesday of
June A. d. 1906, upon the first day of said
term, by publishing the substance of said
petition. together with this order, for three
successive weeks, in the Spirit of the Age,
a newspaper published at Woodstock in
said County, the last publication to be at
least six week prior to said term of Court
which shall be deemed sufficient notice to
said Silas W, Carpenter.
Given under nv hand, at Woodstock, in
the County of Windsor, this Dist day of
March, A. D. 1906,
'3AY READ PEMNR I,
James G. Harvey, Ter"
Atty. for Petitioner.
Spirit of the age. [volume] (Woodstock, Vt.) 1845-1913, 1906-03-24
Free to Farmers.

To any Farmer who will write us,
mentioning this paper, we will send
free, postpaid, several formulas fol
making a first class fertilizer at
home, together with the cost of the
ingredients, directions Tor mixing,
etc.
The Vermont Experiment Station
in its bulletin No. II6 has the fol-
lowing to say with reference to the
value of home mixed fertilizers as
compared with the ordinary COM
mercial brands: "On every account,
however, financial, educational, ag-
ricultural, it is better to buy the
crude stock and home mix if one
uses a ton or more"
Every np-to-date farmer should be
interested IN the subject OF home
mixed fertilizers and we are in posi-
ton to help them. Address,
CARROLL S. PAGE, Hyde Park, VT.
Spirit of the age. [volume] (Woodstock, Vt.) 1845-1913, 1906-03-24
A REALISTIC JOKE.
The Way Irving and TooIe Astonished
a Scotch Waiter.

Sir Henry Irving used to tell with
glee Of a joke that he, with Mr..
Toole, the comedian, and a third
party, played ON one occasion at a
Glasgow hotel.
After their work they were sup
ping at the hotel, and there was in
the room a high screen. The in
slant the waiter was gone they com
menced operations They stripped
the siyerware, Of which there was a
tolerable supply, from the table and
placed it behind the screen. They
then opened the window and turned
out the gas, and finally all got under
the table.
The jokers had only to remain in
their cramped position a few min
utes before they heard the unsteady
feet of the waiter along the passage.
The darkened room amazed him,
and the cold air from the window
seemed to strike him with alright.
"Goodnoss~ exclaimed he. cts
thieves they are. | thocht as much
frae the luiks O. them and frae their
gay talk and their lauchin'. Eth, but
Pm a ruined man! l wish l hadna
taken the hale O. that last bottlel
Here! Hcre Thieves! Thieves!
Murder! Thieves! Thievesp And,
shouting at the top of his voice, he
ran out of the room and along the
passage.
The minute he had gone the 9TH
ers shut the window, lit the gas, re-
stored the silver to the table and sat
around as before, enjoying a quiet
cigar.
Presently there was a confused
murmur along the passage. 1t grew
louder and louder, and in poured a
truly motley throng, mostly half
dressed, consisting Of the manager,
two men in bare legs and slippers,
and a lady with a blanket, caught up
in the alarm Of fear, followed by
the agonized waiter.
One man was armed with poker,
and another carried a bronze statue,
ready to hurl it at the thief. AS
they entered the merry trio all sat
back and looked at them with well
feigned amazement, and Toole said
to the astonished and bewildered