The labor argus. [volume] (Charleston, W. Va.) 1906-1915, 1906-11-29
SLANG SERMON.
The Souse King on the Human
Red Eye Reservoir
WEARS CONTINUAL SMILE
When He Grins Vapor Like
that of a Distillery Fills
the Air.

Adam was the first Souse. There
are others now.
After the Eden Garden blow-off
and he had observed the juice of
the forbidden fruit, which in his
case was little sour-apple extract,
he went outside the garden wall
and SAT down in the shade of one
of the youthful fig trees that were
lined up along the curb, for Eve
had blown him, as is characteristic
of a woman when a man has lost
his job, and he, attempted to think
it over. He had just reached the
point where the shapely lady
meandcred up in picture hat and
a Worth fig-lcaf gown and was
again enjoying the thrill which
had chased down his spinal column,
when the sun, rising over the east
ern hills of Justice Dunnigan's
HighlandtOwn domain, hit him Il
body blow, and the apple juice fer
mented. That was the first souse.
'Sousing ones worries" is the
new name for drowning sorrow in
drink, while the "Souse King'' is
the title applied to him who has
busted all booze records and wears
the medal for being the nearest APP
proach to human reservoir. He
is supposed to lap up everything
in the form of liquids that is not
thick enough to eat, and every
time he lights a cigar blue flames
plays around his mouth, caused by
the igniting of the escaping alcohol.
The Souse is ever ready for an cy-
cuSe to load up, and any old oc-
casion from Il wedding to a christ
ening is his meat. He tanks ut Il
funeral if he gets Il chance, and gives
himself about IL birthdays wear
to admit of similar festivities. He
is Il single.it-ness when it comes TO
downing the red stuff, and his
capacity for trouble water is some
thing beyond the comprehension of
man. He has a thirst which he
inherited from his forefathers, and
all the Kelley institutes and white.
ribbon leagues on earth cannot
phaze it even little bit. Temper
ance lectures bounce off him like
hailstones from tin roof, and he
goes around soaking up rum like a
blotter soaks up ink. He wears
a continual smile of happy idiocy,
and when he grins a vapor like
that of a distillery fills the air and
other people get Il free glow that
lasts some of them for days.
The SouSe never tries to hide his
package of joy and seeks not the
jungle that is dense when he has
acquired two-horse load of red
and ruddy. He is proud of the
disturbance tonic he has accumu-
lated and wants everybody to see
it. AS a result his name is fire..
quently mentioned in connection
with scandals, and even the police
and divorce courts air his troubles
and detail in its findings his hila-
riouS conduct on divers occasions,
which are labeled exhibit A. ,,
''ENhibit b." etc. All of which
has absolutely no effect except to
increase his thirst and capacity,
and the whiskey trusts and brew
erS' exchanges are exceeding glad
and pass resolutions of thanks, and
he continues on his way until he
hath reached the bug ward and is
the main queer of the nifty house.
For he who trieth to drink it all
hath big contract. and the wages
of booze are bug-itiS. Perhaps he
is sorry when the green elephants
and pale pink giraffes get after
him, and maybe he regrcteth his
folly when the big, yellow, double
horned hlppopotamuS chaseth him
about the room, but if he is he
saith so not, for his oral efforts are
devoted to ordering up more imag-
mary bottles that he may continue
the souse and have the glad and
rosy feeling come back once more.
MORAL: Souse not. lest We be
SouSed.-M. Dash.