Clarke courier. [volume] (Berryville, Va.) 1869-1997, 1906-03-07
THE PENSION OFFICE
humoR THAT SPICES The ROUTINE
WORK or The OFFICIALS.


humoR THAT SPICES THE ROUTINE
WORK OF The OFFICIALS.
some OF the assiaf and Original Ap-
piieatfens For Payments That Have
Been Handed ra 40 tho Repr~seata-
tivss of Uncle ssn.
IL he dared to do so the commissioner
Of pensions at Washington could com
pile delightful volume. putting there
Ia the strange applications for pensionr
that come 90 his office Some OF these
letters belong 20 the too good 10 keen
class. and they find their way out into
me world, where they add a good deal
10 the hilarity Of nations. Some appli-
cants for pensions manifest the most
chihlike ignorance regarding the meth
Cd OF procedure necessary when apply
Ing for pension. They seem to think
that all they have TO do Is TO send an
application 10 the pension Office and
Uncle Sam viii forward a check by re-
turn mail
Soon after the close OF the civil war
there came to the pension Office In
Washington the following unique and
poetical application fer pension that
went the rounds of the newspapers
years ago:
| TO Commissioner OF Pensions Washington
these many years I've tried In vain
an honest pention TO obtain
| For wound received IN Sixty one
at first Battle of Bull Run
one Of ohoes sons 50 brave
who went TO the front the union 20 save
And whilst Engaged Ia above said nght
rebel Shell took ha.f my sight
Not content by taking an Ego
this treachcrous shell IN Passing by
took my Eye Brow Clear OF thc bone
| and Left me as unconscious as "A stone
burning a blister OF Crystal clear
from tlae Jaw bc.c TO the Ear
but thanks TO god my l.fe was spared
Check and Eye brow bat siitely Scared
and one Eye was left 70 -
for to wright ard read ToC;re
hope that with that Eye 10 see the day
when unkel Sam his Crppies VIII Pay
Much more recent is the letter sent
TO the commissioner OF pensions by an
applicant who had contracted blood
poisoning I'm the following remarkable
manner:
got blood poison by beinge hit with a
hens eg wen / cam back FROM the frunt
The eg was not good wen YOU send my
pension 1 want the Deed made SOS my
wife can't get none OF f. She throde the
eg. She war n rebbcl.
Equally appealing and remarkable
was another letter sent to the pension
office in which the applicant set forth
his claims TO n pension I'm this wise:
The way I got my War ingery was n
| ketchin OF a hog. The Hog war wanted
by our captain for foroge. We was chasin
I fhe hnu ssNar ID
an thot were about tho size Of the hog
| and tried TO crawl threw. but stuck an
| In tryin 10 viggle out / throdc the rales
on an one "a hit me on my he'd and nocked
me senscless. l do not think the hog had
| nothin 60 do with ny line OF duty. for
did not ketch the hog WITCH she never
was caut SO pieze send along my pension.
One aged pensioner had evidently
made n serious blunder by taking
unto himself wife in his old age. for
love OF gain seems 10 have been the
motive OF the woman who married him
IL the following letter stated the facts
In the case:
Dear Mister Government. Pleze TO fix up
my penshun papers so as my wife cant
draw my twelve dolcrs a munt when
am ded. she say she marryod me for low
an 10 be ole mans Darling but how
no IL was FOR 20 KIT my penshun on her
| self by being my widower pleze let
my penshun end with me but plezc doant
| let on TO her that you got this from me
or ( would have n hot time OF Il and times
Is hotter now than l can stand. SO when
/ send word that am no moar then send
| hor this II you want TO but not until the
penshun is shut or which It Is her just
| desserts for margin FOR money an In a
| Mersheenary splrrut.
/ One day there came to the pension
office a very old and subdued looking
man who could scarcely totter along
with the help OF two canes. BY his side
was n very robust and perfectly self
reliant young woman OF perhaps thirty
years OF age When some one went
forward TO ask what was wanted the
young woman said:
well. I'll just tell you. This Is my
husband, and we amt getting enough
pension-that's what we amt. We're
getting only $40 n month. and we know
man that wasn't IN the war half rs
long as my husband was and didn't get
n shot In him and he gifts his SO
month. and we want our pension raised
to that figSer or more"
One applicant was willing to give the
most palpable proof OF the genulneness
OF his injuries. for he wrote as follows:
II you don't think l was shott in the
war / arr willing 20 come on there ard
| you or any one else can lay their finger
| on the bullet imbedded IN my back which
panes me when stoOp or lay on Il and
which 81 has brought on pertinent dis
| ability so / can't work like ! used TO
could guess II you would speak 20 Pres
! ident Maykinley and tell him about the
| bullet he would say 20 send on the pen
ton and any medll1el doctor would say
/ the same. a doctor here will so his ar
! fydavitt that he has laycd his fingers on
the bullet witch / am proud of as scars OF
| War where l tit and bled for my country
| witch Il f. America and Union forever.
New York Tribune
| Not Fair Division.
| asIf hollSa contains SiN huraatnS