Perth Amboy evening news., 1906-08-23
THE MAN WHO WON.
with Apologies to George Ade.)

zabo who was well Developed to Work,
SO he made Up his mind He would Be
come a Candidate. Work had been OBJ
noxious to Him from the Time he first
Saw it explained on the Blackboard
in grade A. and all through Life his
Main worry had Been that some day
he Would bump into it without Know
ing 1t. He was a constant And de-
voted reader of The Weekly Clarion
And Howler and frequently contrib
uted Pieces to the Page where the la
Dor News was run
He was Wise to Laborism all right,
and whenever labor became unsettled
he would write an Open letter and tell
them Just How to fix Things up. He
always thought The job of Walking
Delegate with Something on the Side
for Incidentals would be About the
Real candy, but Somehow the Mutt
holding the Job didn't have Sense
enough to Quit.
After waiting Ten long and Weary
Years for the job He finally gave Up
and decided that the only Thing left
was A public office. So he Got a Big
stick and went out among The people
and told Them he was Ready coin
when 1t came to Representing them,
and that Everybody up in the North
end was crazy to have him run For
Office.
Afterward he would Go over on The
North side and hand out the Same line
of Conn. He used to Use a glove stretch
er to Stretch his mouth When he got
Up mornings SO the Smile would Last
all day. He was a Prime favorite up In
the Hun district neal where They were
filling in. He used to get A clean shave
and reverse his cuffs in the Morning
and sally up There with a Line OF
Bunk that shriveled His conscience to
a wisp.
He knew them all from A to lizard,
and called Everybody Jim because he
said Their real name Reminded him of
a Football Rush. After being intro
duced to Rebullskizxvljli Hanklijjxv-
zolki, he would brush an imaginary
,speck from the Victims collar n say
JILL WHdt yOu CuhO' 1hOA IA u
turn around to The Mar with the
White apron and order Suds for the
Lot
Sometimes when his stomach was
I'm good order and the gang was looking
he would stop on the street and kiss
some sweet little girl with Two braids
whose Folks lived back in the Alley
near The livery Stable. This showed
that He was A mar of The people
and didn't consider Himself Above the
Common Herd. When it Came to En-
teftaining the Crowd At Murphy's on
There with a Box of Gag that Would
make Lew Dockstader go back to The
Town Hall with his Merry Troupe OF
Artists. He used to Tell stories That
made them Yell to The skies. He
would stand There with the Gang and
play the Human sponge till the man
Behind would Look at his Ingersoll
and Yawn, after which he would break
For home, First stopping At a Place
Down Town to get something to Take
the Taste out OF his Mouth before Co
ing to the Hay.
After he had COINED The Citizens in
the Outlying district to sign Their
names to Something begging him to
become a candidate and had 1t Printed
in the Pspers he had a lot of lovely
pictures Took of Himself and when nc
one was Looking his faithful Fido who
haI HAM r,~AfaiCod tho Tnh nf Chfnf
keyholder to The stationary Closet
would hang them up in Saloons and
places like That. In the picture he
had a Clean shave and Looked real
Nifty. His forehead was broad, high
and intelligent, too. There's nothing
like a good Forehead. Sometimes It's
the Whole cheese in a picture.
After he mad whipped Things into
shape and promised every Victim some
thing Good and Soft he drew a mental
picture of the Situation, and couldn't
see how he could Fail to become the
Big Noise on election Day. Election
night the Telephone company was kept
busy replacing Wires to his Phone that
Had melted when Hot returns were
coming in. He was Neck And Neck
till after Twelve o'clock but after
that the Strain was over.
Along about Two he heard the Eighth
Ward Silver. Cornet band coming down
the Street playing see The Conquerine
Hero comes. and after they had start
ed all the dogs bowling in the Neigh
borhood with the Victory march, the
Gazabo with tears in his eyes tool
them Over to the Place on the corner
And stood the proprietor on for an
Eighth outright. When he got Back
he Told hts Wife to get Ready and take
the children To the Ten-cent Theater
the Next day. because the Passes ought
to be used.
1t was Four O'Clock when he Hit the
Mattress that morning, and he liked IL
SC well He let Two meals go by be-
fore Getting up.
Two days later he Met Rebuliskizx-
viii Hanklijixvolkii the Victim that
lived near where they were Filling in.
The victim held out His hand and told
the Gazabo that his Brother Jim was