davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-03

low thoughtfu 1T believe there will be reaction before
long. III wager that within few years there will be
scarcely Christmas present givenjust the odfashioned
exchange of greetings and good wishes How would it do
to form Christmas Present Giving Society," the
members of which would pledge themselves neither give
nor take present to from anybodyq The thing could
be started off with sort Of chanletter game you know,
and time the whole business would have been given SO
much publicity that it would become the proper thing not
to give PRESENTS everybody would gladly welcome relief
from the annual nuisance-for where is there
who has not long regarded the giving habit
foolish piece of extravaganza It would prove BOOM
too for poor people who cannot afford to give
fact, Isbeeve the scheme would be winner
guess you right family agreed JONES' wagging
his head sage He had listened before to of
lows harbraned schemes and had learned that ultimate
results did not warrant undue enthusiasm. a. for one
he added would surely welcome relief from the annual
round Of resome shopping crowded stores vany looking
for something good and snowy for little money that will
suit the taste of old maid sister, grouchy uncle and
horde Of youngsters who already have everything their little
hearts desire.'' s@
The entrance Of the senior partner of the firm put an
end TO the discussion Jones quickly became absorbed with
and Barlow opened the ledger and began posting
During the morning Barlow's thoughts turned in odd
moments to his plan, and he found time to sketch Of
preambeor manifesto designed introduce to- prospective
members OF the Christmas Present Giving Society,"
the manifold advantages of the scheme.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-01-03
A JOB TO LINGER OVER.

CHE puts her pretty foot out,
y The polished skate goes click.
It's over in a jiffy.
They go on far too quick.
Old-fashioned skates were better, J.
With straps and screws bedight.
To put them on maiden
Took fifteen minutes quite.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31

continue to suffer rather than submit
TO examinations which SO many physi.
clans propose in order to intelligently
..reat the disease; and this is the rea-
son why SO many physicians fail to
cure female disease.
This is also the reason why thousands
upon thousands of women are corre-
spending with Mrs Pinkham, daughter
in-law of Lydia g. Pinkham. at Lynn,
Mass. To her they can contide every
detail of their illness, and from her
great knowledge, obtained from years
of experience in treating female ills,
Mrs. Pinkham can advise sick women
more wisely than the local physician.
Read how Mrs. Pinkham helped Mrs. T.
G. Willadsen obtaining, Ia. She writes:
Dear Mrs. Pinkham:
81 can truly say that you have saved my
life, and | cannot express my gratitude in
words. Before | wrote to YOU telling you
how 1 felt, l had doctored for over two years
steady, and spent lots of money in medicines
besides, but it all failed to do me any good. I
had female trouble andwould dailyhave faint
ing spells, backache, b~earing-down pains, and
my monthly periods were very irregular and
finally ceased. / wrote to you for your ad.
vice and received a letter full of instructions
just what to do, and also commenced to take
Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound,
and | have been restored to perfect health.
Had it not been for you l would have been
in my grave to-day"
Mountains of proof establish the fact
that no medicine in the world equals
Lydia e. Pinkham's Vegetable Conn
pound for restoring women's health.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
MEDICAL

A Christiania doctor has discovered
that microbes are infected with para
sites.
Strong measures against tuberculo-
sis have been taken by the local gov
eminent board Of Scotland, writes Con-
sui Fleming from Edinburgh. 1t is
put in the class of infectious diseases,
and a campaign of disinfection is in.
augurated.
When anyone with normal eyesight
stands at right angles to a ray of sun.
light 1t is easy to see floating dust par
ticles which are not discoverable with
the aid of the strongest microscope.
What is seen by the unaided eye is not
the particle Of solid matter, but the
cone of light reflected from it and oc-
cupying a much greater space.
In d%enouncing the genral use of
chemical preserves in food, the Lancet
remarks that the curing or smoke proc
ess aims not merely at preserving the
food, but giving it palatable qualities.
Smoked salmon, herring or haddock,
for example, is not only preserved by
the process, but agreably favored at
the same time. The addition of borax
or salicylic acid, on the other hand,
would not enhance the favor of these
fishes.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
HoMELY PHILOSOPHY.


It isn't always lucky to trust people
who trust to luck.
Romance is sweet sixteen. religion
is sixty if she's a day.
Happy is he who never knows when
he gets the worst of it.
A great achievement doesn't need a
brass band accompaniment.
Most Of us expect better obituary
notices than are coming to us.
Those who yield to temptation are
generally looking for a chance.
The optimist looks forward to to-
morrow, the pessimist signs for yes
terday.
There might not be so much room
at the top if there We're fewer cushions
at the bottom.
Most of us are dissatisfied, some
with what we have and some with
what we haven't.
The present gets away from a lot of
people while they sit on park benches
worrying about the future.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
SCIENTIFIC SPECIALS.

Prof. Classen, of Aix-la-C hapelle, has
brought out a process of making alco-
hol from sawdust. The cellulose Is
treated with gaseous sulphuric aciG,
and glucose formed, and is converted
into alcohol by fermentation. A ton
of sawdust yields about so gallons OF
crude alcohol or % gallons OF absolute
alcohol. 1t is expected, however, tina:
In time 30 gallons or more will be OBJ
tanned.
Prof. Behring, who claims to have
discovered an effective treatment
against tuberculosis, is the ~discoverer
of the serum treatment of diphtheria
Four years ago he shared the Nobel
price of S40,O with DR.. Roux, of the
Pasteur institute, of Paris. He is
also a professor of the Berlin univer-
sity and has for years pursued his ex-
periments on an estate of his own of
about 1000 acres near Marburg. The
number Of animals Of all sizes that
have passed through his hands on this
property is simply enormous.
The new alchemy assumes that ele-
ments of great atomic weight break up
into substances of lighter atoms, but
thus far the only transmutations OBJ
served have been the changes of radium
and actinium into an emanaticn, of
which about eve per cent. seems to
form helium. What becomes of the re-
naming SO per cent. of the emanation
is not yet proven, although there are
reasons for believing that lead is q
part of the product. In the atomic dis
Indignation the energy given out far
surpasses all previous experience, and
1t is estimated that if a fragment of
radium could be made to complete its
change instantaneously, the result
would be an explosion millions Of
times more terrific than of gun cotton.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
FOR BRIDAL PARIS
Which Convey Commands and Ten
der Sentiments in Public
Places.
Bride to Groom.

Bride to Groom.
One short jerk of coat Stop looking
at that girl!
One long jerk of coat-Oh, see the
pretty hatsi
One long hug-You look perfectly
lovely to-day.
One long hand squeeze-Honey,
what makes you look so cross?
One short hand squeeze-Some ones
coming!
Groom to Bride.
One short jerk of sleeye-Stop look
ing at that man!
One long jerk of sleeve-Come on.
You don't want to see the hats.
One long hug-You look perfectly
lovely to-day.
One long hand sQueeze-Honey, you
amt mad, are you?
One short hand squeeze-Don't be a
goose!
Three sharp taps on ~wrist-Take
care, woman, take care! l will be
master in my own honsei-Puck.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31

the fire to get hot enough for them to
lay him on the Goals, l felt almost like
crying, cause l didn't want to take
pas remains back home so scorched
that they wouldn't be an ornament to
society, so I went up to pas couch to
get his instructions as to our future
course, when he should be all in.
] said, PA, this is the most serious
case you have yet mixed up in. O,
wimmen, how you do ruin men who
put their trust in you"
Pa winked at me, and said:
Never you mind me, Hennery. l
will come out of this scrape and have
al the Indians on their knees in less
than an hour, begging my pardon" and
then pa whispered to me, and l went
to pas valise and got an electric bat
terry and put it in pas pocket and scat
tered copper wires all around pas
body, and fixed it SO pa could touch a
button and turn on a charge of cleo
tricity that would paralyze an ele-
plant, and then l got some matches
and took the phosphorus off and put
1t all over pas face and hands and
clothes, and as it became dark and the
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31

were scared silly at the supernatural
power pa seemed to have. The squaws
seemed to get more electricity than the
buck Indians, cause pa squeezed hard
er, and the way they danced and cut
up didoes would make you think they
had been drinking. Finally pa touched
them all with his magic wand, and
then they prepared a feast and cele-
brated their engagement to go with the
circus, and we packed up and got
ready to go to a cattle round up the
next day at a ranch outside the Indian
reservation, where pa was to engage
some cowboys for the show. AS we
left the headquarters on the reserva-
ton the next morning all the Indians
went with us for a few miles, cheering
us, and pa waved his hands to them,
and said, "bless you, me children" and
looked SO wise, and so good, and great
that | was proud Of him. The squaws
threw kisses at pa, and when we had
left them, and had got out of sight, pa
said, "Those Indians will give the
squaws a walloping when they get
back to camp, but who can blame them
for falling in love with the great faith
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31

around and put his foot on the neck
of each Indian, in token of his abso-
Lutte mastery over them, and then he
babe them arise, and he told them he
had only done these things to show
therl the power of the great father
over his children. and now he would
reveal to them his object in coming
amongst them, and that was to engage
20 Of the best Indians, and 20 of the
best squaws, to join our great show,
at on enormous salary, and be ready
in two weeks to take the road. The
Indians were delighted, and began to
quarrel about who should go with the
show, and to quiet them pa said he
wanted to shake hands with all Of
them, and they lined up, and pa took
the strongest wire attached to the bat
terry in his pistol pocket, and let it
run up under his coat and down his
sleeve, into his right hand, and that
was the way he shook hands with
them. l thought 1 would die laughing.
Pa took a position, like a president at
a New Years reception, and shook
hands with the tribe one at a time.
The old chief came first, and pa
grasped his hand tight, and the chief
stood on his toes and his knees
knocked together, his teeth chartered,
and he danced 4 can can while pa held
on to his hand and squeezed, but he
finally let go and the chief wiped his
hand on a dog, and the dog got some
of the electricity and XII yied to beat
the band. Then pa shook hands with
everybody, and they all went through
the same kind of performance, and
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
TORTURED WITH ECZEMA.
Tremendous Itching Over Whole Body
Scratched Until Bled-Wonder-
full Cure by C%uticura.

"Last year I suffered with a tremendous
itching on my back, which grew worse and
worse, until it spread over the whole body.
and only my face and hands were free.
and l had to scratch, scratch, scratch, until
| bled. At night when l went to bed
things got worse, and I had at times
to get up and scratch my body all over,
until | was as sore as could be, and until
| suffered excruciating pains. They told
me that | was suffering from eczema.
Then | made up my mind that | would use
the Cuticura Remedies. | used them ac-
cording to instructions, and very soon in
deed ! was greatly relieved. | continued
until well, and now | am ready to recon-
mend the Cuticura Remedies to any one.
Mrs. Mary Metzger, Sweetwater, Okla,
June %, 1906"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
DIFFERENCE OF DEGREE.
Both Parted Their Hair in the Mid.
die, But Ones Part Was Much
the Wider.

One Of the veteran lawyers OF Bur-
,ington, VT, is A. V. Spalding, writes
F. H. Kelsey Of Lowell. in the Boston
Globe. One day when he was trying a
case in the Chittenden county court
he called as a witness a stylishly
dressed young man who parted his
hair in the middle, a practice that
used to be regarded as indicative Of
a dude" The young man, however,
gave his testimony in a plain, straight
forward manner and resumed his seat.
When the argument came to be
made by the counsel opposed to Mr..
Spalding, reference was made in a
peculiarly cutting manner to the fop-
pish locking witness who parted his
hair in the middle.
On rising to reply, Mr.. Spalding
said: 81 fail to see how the fact that
this young man parts his hair in the
middle has any bearing in this case.
He certainly has a right to part his
hair in the middle, and he parts it ex-
actly al my brother on the other side
does his, only" he added, pointing to
the perfectly bald head Of the oppos-
ing lawyer, "he doesn't part it quite
SO wide"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
FIDDLER FOUND KEYNOTE.
Story of a Pittsburg Suspension
Bridge That Was Made
to Dance.

The old Sixth street bridge was a
suspension bridge, and in connection
Herewith a story used to be told.
Everybody knows, says the Pittsburg
Gazette, that soldiers in crossing a
suspension bridge must break step and
bands are not allowed to play marches,
because Of the cumulative force of the
vibrations, which are apt to either de-
stroy the bridge completely or crystal
lie the iron cables. Now, sound is vi
b~ration, and this explanation, not very
scientifically put here, is the basis of
the story, remembering that every 90
ject is supposed to have a keynote
which, when struck on a musical in
strument, evokes responsive vibrations
in the said object.
The story goes that many years ago
an old man, carrying a fiddle in a case,
once started across the bridge without
paying toll. He was called back by the
toll keeper, protested his inability to
pay, but was not allowed to cross.
Threatening vengeance, the old fiddle:
seated himself on the wharf under the
Allegheny end Of the bridge and began
to scrape away on his fiddle for hours,
| apparently trying all sorts of notes,
, half notes and combination of notes
and chords.
Suddenly he seemed to find what he
! sought, for his face lighted up and he
began to scrape steadily on a certain
chord. A moan went through The
bridge. Faster played the old man, and
the wire cables fairly sang in response
to the wild notes of the fiddle. Furious
ly the old fiddler scraped away and the
cables began to vibrate, slowly at first
the vibrations growing stronger as the
keynote sounded on the violin. The
bridge began to tremble, then to sway.
BY this time the toll keepers saw
something was up, for the pedestrians
on the bridge began to run, drivers
whipped up their horses, men and wo-
men with blanched faces declined to
set foot on either end Of the structure.
A messenger (there were no telephones
then) was dispatched for the superin-
tendent, and he came running. The
old fiddler was pointed out and a con-
stable was ordered to arrest him. but,
there being no suspicious person law
then in existence, the officer shook
his head.
The bridge was cutting up all sorts OF
capers, swaying back and forth like a
swing, until at last the superintendent
in desperation al to the fiddler and
promised never to demand toll from
him. An agreement was entered into,
the fiddler pledging to keep secret "a
his dying day the keynote, SO that no
%revengcful musician ever again could
place the structure in jeopardy without
studying out the keynote himself.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
Charitable PLAYER.

BY some means a mother and daugh-
ter managed to gain access to Pade-
rewski's sanctum. The mother was
proud of her daughter and the daugh-
ter had aspirations. She desired Pad
erewskl's opinion of her skill. Paderew-
ski listened, or appeared to, While the
mother beat time a~pprovingly. At last,
with a final crash, the girl ross from
the stool and the mother flushed with
pleasure. 'Tell me-" she whispered to
the artist, 'tell me in confidence. What
do you think of her?" Amiably the
artist rubbed his hands together. 81
think she must be very charitable.
Surely she letteth not her left hand
know what her right hand doeth."
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
ALMOST A CATASTROPHE.
Exuberance of Love Spasmodically
Manifested Results in Nor
t~ification.

She was seated in the cleaning, a
happy smile on her pretty, pensive
face, when her elderly aunt entered.
Then, as she looked upon the kind old
face, a feeling rushed upon her that
she must share her wonderful news
with somebody-she must let someone
into the secret which till then had
been the sole possession of herself and
Harold. She sprang up and flung her
arms about her aunt's neck.
"Oh, auntie," she cried impulsively,
"you 10 love me, don't you? Kiss me,
auntle, and tell me you do-kiss mel"
But only an alarming gurgle came
from the old lady for a moment. Then
SIZE said, gasping Indignantly:
Kiss you. if you amt careful I'll
shake the life out of you. You very
nearly made me swallow my teeth"
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31

err" and then pa winked, and put
spurs to his pony and we rode across
the mesa, looking for other worlds to
conquer.
On the way to the ranch where we
were to meet the cowboys and engage
enough to make the show a success,
the cowboy pa had along told pa that
it might be easy enough to fool Indians
with the great father dodge, and the
electric battery, and all that, but when
he struck a mess of cowboys he would
find a different proposition, cause he
couldn't fool cowboys a little bit. He
said If pa was going to hire cowboys,
he had got to be a cowboy himself, and
II he couldn't rope steers he would
have to learn, cause cowboys, If they
were to be led in the show by pa,
would want him to be prepared to rope
anything that had four feet. Pa said
while he didn't claim to be an expert,
he had done some roping, and could
throw a lasso, and while he didn't al
ways catch them by the feet, when he
tried to, he got the rope over them
somewhere, and II the horse he rode
knew its business he ultimately got
his steer, and he would be willing to
show the boys what he could do.
We got to the COW camp In time for
dinner, and cowboy introduced pa
to the cowboys around the chuck wag-
on, and told them pa was an old cow
boy who had travelled the Texas trail
years. ago, and was n Of the best
horsemen in the business, a manager
Of q show that was adding a wild west
department and wanted to hire 40 or
more Of the best ropers and riders, at
large salaries, to join the show, and
that pa considered himself the legiti-
mate successor Of Buffalo Bill, and
money was no object. Well, the boys
were tickled to meet pa, and some said
they had heard Of him when he was
roping cattle IN the frontier, and that
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
Pa Only Touched the High Places.

phosphorus began to shine, pa was a
sight He looked like moonlight on
the lake, and l got the cowboy and the
big game hunter and the educated In
dian to get down on their knees
around pa, and chant something that
would sound terrible to the Indians.
The only thing in the way Of a chant
that all Of them could chant was the
football tune, "ThereIl Be a Hot Time
In the Old Town Tonight" and we
were whooping it up over pas illumi-
mated remains when the Indians came
out to put pa On the fire, and when
they saw the phosphorescent glow all
him, and his face looking as
though he was at peace with all the
world, and us whites on our knees,
making motions and singing that hot
dirge, they all turned pale, and were
scared, and they fell back %reverently,
and gazed fixedly at poor pa, who was
winking at us, and whispering to US to
keep it up, and we did.
The old chief was the first to ,recov-
er, and he saw that something had to
be done pretty quick, so he talked In
dian to some Of the braves, and I
slipped away and put some phosphor-
us all over a squaw, and she looked
like . lightning bug, and told her to 60
and fall on pas remains and yell MUIR
der, The Indians had started to grab
pa and put him on the fire when pa
turned on the battery and the big chief
got a dose big enough for a whole
flock Of Indians, and all who touched
pa got a shock, and they all fell back
and got on their knees, and just then
the squaw with the phosphorus on
her system came running out, and she
fell across pas remains, and she shone
30 you could read fine print by the
light she gave, and that settled 1t with
the tribe, cause they all laid down fiat
and were at pas mercy. Pa pushed the
illuminated squaw away, and went
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
NUGGETS OF KNOWLEDGE.

There are ladies' smoking ears on
English railways.
Alligator, a popular native dish in
India, tastes like veal.
The wood used in the best pianos
has been seasoned 40 years.
Those who reach 80 in good health
are likely, statistics show, to last to
70.
Over 100000 pounds of human hair,
valued at 100000, is sold annually
in Paris.
The majority of criminals can draw
and paint. That is why artists can
rarely get credit.
In many parts Of Switzerland the
government buries the dead, supplying
collins and undertaken free of cost.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31

Gee, but I thought pa was all in
when closed my last letter, when the
Indians had him bound on a board,
and had lighted a fire, and were just
going to broil him. Jealousy is bad
enough in a white man, but when an
Indian gets Jealous of his squaw there
is going to be something doing, and
when a whole tribe gets jealous of one
old man, cause he has taught the
squaws to be independent, and rise up
as one man against the tyranny of
their husbands, that white man is not
safe, and as pa lay there, waiting for
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
A Matter of COURTESY. Merely.

Mr.. Nervey-The object of my call
upon you this evening, Mr.. Goldrox--
Mr.. Goldrox (sternly)-Yes, you've
come to tell me that you wish to
marry my daughter and l want to say
right here and now
Pardon me. l come to tell you
that I am going to marry your daugh-
ter. l convinced her and her mother
that it was no more than fair to put
you ise."-Philadelphia Press.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1906-05-31
STATE OF ONO. CRY OF TOLEDO, | 81

LUCAS equity.
FRANK j. CHENEY makes oath that he Is senior
partaer Of the firm of F.. j. CHENEY g. Co., doing
aforesaid, and that said firm will pay the sum of
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for each and every
case Of CATARRH that cannot be cured by the use Of
HALLS CATARRH CURE.
FRANK J. CHENEY.
Sworn to before me and subscribed in my presence,
this 9Th day of December, A D., 1856.
~ A. w. GLEASON,
sEALf NOTARY PUBLIC.
Halls Catarrh Cure is taken internally and acts
directly on the blood and mucous surfaces of the
system. Send for testimonials. free.
F. CHENEY &c., Toledo, o.
Sold by all Druggists, 75c.
Take Halls Family Pills for constipation.