Heppner gazette. [volume] (Heppner, Morrow County, Or.) 1892-1912, 1906-10-04

"Arabella," called the father from
the head Of the stairs, 'is that young
man gone?' "Yes, father. Complete
ly."
Teacher-Why did the anclents be-
lieve the earth to be fiat? Bright Boy
Cause they didn't have no school
globes to prove 1t was round.
81, sir" began Bragg, "am self
made man." "Yes," replied Wise, "but
why apologize now? That won't help
matters. s."-Philadepha Press.
Mrs. Madison-How do you like your
new neighbors? Mrs. Dyer-I don't
know. haven't tried to borrow any.
thing yet.-Town and County.
Diggs-I understand that Higgins IL
quite Il clever tinancier. Bigss-Well.
he isn't. Why, that man never beat
anybody out of cent in his life.
"Algy, don't you find married life
more expensive than bachelorhood|
"Well, it may be more expensive than a
rigidly single life, but it's cheaper than
courtship."
| Senior Partner-There's one thing TO
be said In favor of classical music.
Junior Partner-What is that? Senior
Partner-The office boy can't whistle it.
| Chicago News.
Mrs. Flip-I have just been talking
to specialist, and he says my brain
vitality has all gone to my long hair.
DO you believe it? f'lip-Well, er-I
knew it had gone detroit Free Press.
Medical Student-What did you op-
crate on that man for? Eminent Sur
geon-Five hundred dollars. Medical
STUDENT mean, what did he have?
Eminent Surgeon-Five hundred dol
lars.-Puck.
At the Garage.-Boy-M Smith Is
|telephonng for his machine. Can you
send it to him to-day? Head Man
Don't see how we can. Why, this ma
chine is the only one around here fit to
use Life.
is there any available substitute for
RUBBER" asked the instructor of the
class. "Yes, sir" answered Miss De
Muir. one of the fair goods. Il think
stare or cape is just as good."-Chi-
cago Tribune.
Green-I cannot understand why De
Short wants a divorce. His wife had
nearly half a million when he married
her. Brownies. and she has every
dollar of it yet. That's the trouble
Chicago Daily News.
"Yes, I'm going to spend few weeks
at Kloseman's summer resort. My
stomach is all out of order and I need
a rest" "Well, your stomach Will get
a good rest there, too. | know the
place" e"-Chicago Tribune.
81 suppose that some Of your battle
scenes are very realistic? said the
sympathizer. YES" said the bum actor.
Il have impersonated Napoleon at
Waterloo several times when real shells
were bursting all about me."-Kansas
City Times.
Mamma, what are twins?'' asked lit
tie Bobby. "Oh, | know" chimed IN
Dorothy, with all the superiority Of an
elder sister. Twins is two babies just
the same age; three is triplets, four IS
quadrupeds and five is centipedes. -
Harpers Weekly.
You'll have to fix the poem over be-
fore can buy it, said the editor.
There appears to be something the
matter with its feet Il would have
you understand. sir" said the bard,
with dignity, that am a poet and not
a chropodlst. ."-Cleveand Leader.
Tommy, what ancient king was it
who played on the fiddle while Rome
was burningI" Hector, ma'am.' mo,
no-not Hector" Then it was Dook.'
Duke? What do you mean, Tommy:'
well. then it must a been Nero.
knowed it wuz somebody with a dogs
name"
A reporter of the Paris Matln tried
to purchase genuine Rockefeller III
terview with check for $1,000. He
failed. The proper way to make an
American millionaire talk Is not to
offer him thousand dollars, but to try
TO get thousand dollars away from
him.-Puck.
81 would like pound Of your golf
sausage" she said to the butcher. Golf
sausage? Sorry, madam. but we don't
handle It, We have blood sausage.
liyerwurst, ham sausage, and other
kinds. but no golf sausage" "Oh, dear,
I'm so sorry. My husband said no
much preferred the kind made In links"
Sentinel.
A little girl was out walking with her
aunt one day. The aunt bowed to
man they were passing. "Who is he,
Amt Jennie?" asked the little girl.
Mrs. Lttlefield told her that he was
Mr.. Melrose. the village undertaken.
"Oh, yes" replied the child quickly. II
remember him. lie undertook my
grandmother er"-IIarper Bazaar.