The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1906-12-23
"HOOT MON

eA1c cASCllOIl DOdTOIQan 1eL III gWitu d
neighbor who had been strongly opposed
to him and who began to twit Boardman
about some of his support. There's
your great friend Blank (alluding to
striker who had done work for Boardman
In the campaign); saw him drunk yes
terday."
Boardman walked along quietly until
they came to the corner where they
would separate and then he said with
his sweet, childlike smile: $50 Blank
was drunk, was her Well, he'll get over
it, but you. my friend, are a id fool
and you'll never get over It"
Jay Daniels, who used to report Lake
Minnetonka notes for the morning pa
pers and who in time was entrusted with
the work Of turning off reprint on the
| typewriter, some years ago took it into
his head that a mistake had been made
by an ancient editor named Greeley, who
advised young men to go west. He went
east. He went east as far as London,
where he soon began to learn to live in
| a home atmosphere Of Sc degrees, where
you can see your breath smoke. Looking
about the town, he noticed that London
| was shy on several things that 1t ought
to have. One Of these was books. Books
he supplied to the portion Of London
| which reads He also learned that Lon
don was short on inventions. He began
to buy inventions and invent inventions
and borrow inventions until he soon had
London stocked. One Of these, which he
invented himself Is the Noiseless Per-
ambulating Vibrator, warranted to cure
backache, headache, heartache or purse
| ache. It makes the old young, the young
| immortal and the middle-aged simply su
perb. But vibrators, no matter how deli
cately adjusted or how splendidly they
do their office Of relieving pain or re-
ducing dependency, cannot succeed in
England without royal or noble patron
age. So Jay took one of his vibrators
under his arm and went over to Buck
ingham palace. The king opened the
| door in answer to his knock. -,
II don't want any books" said his
| majesty. .s.
I'm not selling books" said Jay.
| I'm selling vibrators."
Selling what?'
'Vibrators."
'swen, I don't know what they are
and I don't care The fact is, Jay, I'm
sick and tired out and I have got to go
! and open a bridge or lay cornerstone
or something and" 4s.tn--,rr II,
you'd rather take licking than go?"
That's it. How'd you guess it?'
Been that way myself That's why
I called to show you this vibrator. Your
majesty has a difficult task to perform.
One treat ment from the vibrator makes
it look easy, two gives you the mystery
of the job and three makes 1t look like
fun. You take one treatment this morn
ing and I guarantee you'll open that
bridge with one hand and laugh over it,"
The kings time was getting short
To- Iat-y II v,oo f1n
He submitted and took a treatment
Within six minutes he was jumping
| widths Of carpet like a boy and insisting
that Jay should share his throne with
| him. Jay didn't want to do that on ac-
| count of having been vaccinated an
American, but he told the king that all
| he asked of him was to speak well of
| the vibrator among his friends. Since
| then Daniels has sold a million vibrators
a week and all England is 'kowtowing to
| the name Of Daniels.
| Recently Jay made pilgrimage to St..
Petersburg to try vibrator on the
car, but found that his majesty was so
surrounded with guards and the vibrator
looked so much like a handy little bomb
that 1t was impossible to get to the
Nicholas, tho he had letter Of intro
duction from King Edward.
| Jay remained in st. Petersburg several
weeks, and, having time on his hands,
opened a branch Of his London publish
| ing house and turned his hand to several
other things He found that one could
move about as freely in st. Petersburg
as in London So far as he could learn
| the revolution was all concentrated about
| the American bar In the city, where the
foreign correspondents overthrow the
government every night at the sixth bot
| tie. = tA#3 ~. ~n
Many years ago the Minneapolis
! schools boosted a janror who was not
too bright for any use. and who upon his
discharge disappeared from Minneapolis.
| His widow was deeply moved by the cir
cumstance but did not believe that her
| liege lord was dead until the discovery
of a pair of boots, q skeleton and some
| tufts Of hair showed evidence of his
departure to another fiat whence no jani-
tor returns. She brought suit against
| the company in which hts precious life
| had been insured. The lawyer who han
| died the case pleaded it brilliantly and
| the jury returned a verdict for the weep
| ing widow. The company appealed to
the supreme court, which reversed the
Judgment. Again it was tried and again
| the high court reversed q verdict favor
able to the plaintiff. s.
| The lawyer began to yell about the
narrowness of the supreme court. It
| had knocked him out twice in one case
where there was no doubt of the proof.
1t was a punk supreme court, anyway.
This was the status pending a. third
trial Of the case, when one day the late
lamented janitor walked into the office
| Of Doctor Jordan %s.s.-
| Hello" said the doctor; thought you
were dead" za. ss,.. g-.
I'm not that know off, 80
| "Well, you have been adjudged dead
twice in the district court, but the SUI
preme court has saved your life both
times. Better go over and see Ii;
he is the lawyer who has proved you de-
funct." 5S
The late lamented started for the
lawyers office and DR.. Jordan imme-
diately telephoned that he was coming.
| THE devil you say responded the
lawyer over the phone. ''Well, I've Just
got time to change the name on that
skeleton and pair of Shoes
| James Gray.
According to Los Angeles paper CAL
ifornia has a well-equipped college with
| a $1,000, 900 endowment, twelve professors
and but eleven students. Well eleven is
all that is necessary for football team.