davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
Uptimely Laughter.

1t is not easy to see why any one should
laugh at Representative BENEFITS letter
concerning the construction of the school
law and the intent of Congress to continue
the present force of teachers in office until
formal removal from their positions by the
superintendent and the. board, acting In
strict accordance with the provisions OF the
law. If the words of the law are ambiguous.
evidence of the actual intent of the legisla-
tors is to be considered in constituting them.
Representative Bennett knew that the
superintendent and board were by their
acts declaring that all the teachers were
removed by operation of the law, and
could he restored only by reappointment:
that this restoration was performed in
installments the procedure carrying with
It the suggestion that 1t was at the SUI
perntendent's and boards discretion to
give or to withhold official life; that new
oath of Office was exacted from each az
pointee. if his or her first connection
with the schools was of that date; that
a number of teachers were held in an
agony of apprehension as to whether they
were alive or dead until the sixtieth sec
ond of the eleventh hour; that a number
of the teachers, supervising principals and
principals of high or manual training
though nothing had killed them if the law
did not; that their places were treated as
vacant, to be filled by favored outsiders
from the west or south or Paterson, N. j.,
the prolific mother of anarchists and edu-
cationalists that their positions were put
up for competition in distressing disre-
gard of the fact that they were already
installed therein by operation of law; that
persons were appointed and confirmed to
their positions before they were even re-
quested to admit that they were dead;
that in short they were buried deep by
the SCHOOL authorities before the latter
recognized the propriety and decency of
ascertaining whether they were indeed
corpses
Representative Bennett doubtless knew
also that teachers who. as he felt, were
continued in Office by operation Of the law
for good behavior until removal for
cause and after a fair hearing by the
school authorities. were reappointed with
would readily be excused II he viewed this
procedure as a perversion of the law in the
enactment of which he had participated.
causing 1t not so much to bless the teach
ers with a system of automatic promotions
as to curse them with a system Of auto
matte annual decapitations. Promotions
based on longevity remain: but longevity
itself is threatened or denied. Did the law
contemplate that the whole body Of teach
ers should die and be resurrected annually
by the superintendent and the board?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

who pays q nominal sum to Join and In
some cases 10 cents Is the initiation fee.
"A neighbor of mine has a pocketful Of
membership tickets to Sunday bar rooms In
Washington city, and another neighbor near
me has been sending his hired man to
Georgetown for a quart of whisky every
of Columbia and no community Of Its size
has had more felony cases in which the
perpetrators escaped than Washington city
has had"
Mr.. Mackey probably did not make this
charge that Alexandria county might seem
innocent when compared with Washington.
No doubt he can name dozen places in
Washington where liquor Is sold on Sunday.
No doubt also he could give the Washing
ton authorities the benefit of this informa-
ton. There is disposition to place on
Mr. Mackey the additional burden of con-
serving the morals of Washington; 1t is
known that he has troubles of his own in
indicating the majesty of the law in his
own county. Criticism Is all right In its
way, but the most lovable critic is he who
will aid in correcting the thing he crit
icizes.
The Fraternal Sons of Jonadab. as re-
ported in Fridays Star. passed resou-
ton Thursday night to the effect that:
THE recent statement made by At
torney Crandall Mackey of Alexan-
dria county. Va. and published in The Star
a few days ago that membership in these
so-called social clubs can be obtained
upon the payment of a very small sum,
which gives the applicant a membership
card to drink booze all day Sunday
should be taken cognizance of by our police
department. Mr.. Mackey goes a little
farther in his statement, saying there are
fully fifty 'speak-easies in our city. This
statement should also be investigated"
Let the investigation proceed.
1t is notorious that several so-called
clubs vend liquor on Sunday. Though
clearly violating the spirit and intent Of
the law, they adroitly keep within its let
ter. 1t Is also notorious that clubs Of I'M
questioned standing clubs vend liquor
on Sunday 1t Is difficult for the authori-
ties to deal with this proposition. When
is a club not club? is a nice question. It
does not hinge on the size of the initiation
fee, the amount of the Dues or the length
of the roll of membership. If one club Is
allowed to sell liquor on Sunday it might
be unfair to withhold the privilege from
another. A club seems to be a club wheth-
er the membership fee is 10 cents or a hum
dred dollars. whether the club members
wear coats and collars and drink cham
payne or whether they do not wear coats
and collars and drink beer 1t does not
seem fair that rich and well-dressed idlers
shall organize club, run a saloon in their
quarters and absorb highballs ali day Sun
day and that other men. equally entitled
under the law to conduct a bOoze-club,
shall be trundled into the patrol wagon for
drinking beer. The police ought not to
make any distinction between the rich
idler and the poor idler How to draw the
line between the cheap club organized for
the purpose Of evading the excise law and
the more expensive club ORGANIZED for the
same purpose Is hard problem
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
JULEPS

5uiep, sir. was never meant
To be mixed by a rude bartender:
The misty goddess Of genteel drinks
I'm sure 1t must sadly offend her.
To have clumsy hands rend the green-leaved mint
red fist measure the liquor:
plated spoon a-jiggling the ice
To complete the outrage quicker.
Sir. the julep is a gentlemans drink, .
To be mixed by hands patrcian.
AS carefully, sir IL you'll take my word.
As the pills of the family physician.
With blended rye from the charred oak wood
And mint from the wormfence corner
A nectar, sir, to make warm the heart
And to dry the eye of a mourner.
I take. sir, a glass OF proper size
vessel of large dimensions
But those who use pitcher, sir.
Are persons of few pretensons.
And in the bottom lightly lay.
Unbruised and quite unbroken,
dozen leaves Of tender mint.
poem in fragrance-unspoken.
Then, sir l take OF best cutloaf
One lump. dissolved in water;
And OF whisky, sir, twelve summers old
Three fingers and quarter
And then of spring water Ice enough
To fill the tumbler leyek
But step. and tbs time to lF
The mind and palate revel.
Atop the Ice | plant with
green mint-fresh forest fragrant
To charm the eve and please the nose.
That luxury shifting vagrant.
And then sigh and sit me down
Most happy and cOntented.
The man who'd pass that juIep by
Must surely be demented
l. c. n.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
"The Convention Went Wild -

Colonel Noodle was a candidate for his
party's nomination for Congress, and con-
vention day was near. His opponent was
strong, and much might depend on the man
agement of the hurrah in the convention
hall Accordingly. the colonel had sent for
his principal lieutenant for a final confer
ence as to the arrangements
Tell me, now" said the colonel, "about
how she is heading"
Things look bright for us, as see EN-
Our boys ought to hold their own against
any opposition At the head of the delega-
tion from Smith county Is Billy, the three
Jung who holds the record for long-dis-
lance shouting. He never tires When he
gets the signal with the mention OF your
| name he can be relied upon to start the
| racket and keep 1t up longer than anybody.
Dick the strangler.' heads the DELEGATION
from Jones county. and in any rassle for
the right OF way aboat the hall will be a
tower Of strength. The man who carries
your picture on a pole should handle 1t so
as to produce the best effect. and for that
job 1 have had Croney Snickle put at the
head Of the Brown county delegation
Croney used to carry transparency in the
street parades of the Black and Tan Min
strels.'
But they'll neeQ support.
"Oh. they'll have support all right The
delegates are all more or less in keeping
with the file leaders. And, then, they are
all to be we'll drilled. Billy has rented a
remote forty-acre field over In Smith,
and is already trying out the threats of the
gang. Dick and his boys are in fighting
shape, and Croney needs no rehearsing."
What Is your calculation about the
timer"
I'VE ought to be able to turn the trick
in thirty-hve minutes. At the last conven-
ton the supporters of Col. Shocks shouted
and paraded for thirty minutes We ought
to beat that a matter of local pride. But
We could go on for forty or forty-tive min
utes in a pinch. You shall have liberal
measure"
We'll. now. about the price How
much?"
THE tariff is a thousand piunks."
Isn't that rather steep for such work?'
Such work! Why it's the whole show!'
DO you guarantee the nomination?
Certainly not. Minor matters will have
something to do with that. For an instance
the barker who presents your name to the
convention must do his Ginning in the
proper style. If he proves to be a lobster
it'll be CO.
"All right. A thousand. Now do your
best"
Never fear. I'll give the crowd a circus
that they'd remember"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
ANTIDOTES.

Minister in Cleveland springs funny Joke.
SAYS that all the ladies really ought To smoke;
SAYS cigarettes are good for-honest he's a gem
Good for, mercy US. what Is ailing them!
SAYS their nerves are ruined In society
By oft assimilating English breakfast tea.
Cigarettes would make 'em like cooling dove.
Bless my soul. i wonder what he's thinking OF!
Little mild tobacco counteracts the tea;
Glass OF foaming bromide after every spree;
Take q dose OF quinine just to kill the shakes;
And courts decision after loves mistakes.
Corn Juice counterirrtant makes the gloomy glad;
inst a little coal tar when our nerves are weak:
LATHE soothing strip brings the dreams we seek.
This is surely lovely. We with Joy and glee
viii subscribe our names to this philosophy.
When for sins We suder-kndly. friends. connote-
Break a new commandment as an antidote.
Chicago News.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
The Sunday "Booze Club"

Mr.. Crandall Mackey commonwealth at
torney for Alexandria county, in an inter-
view on the subject of crimes in that
county. published in The Star Ids. Tues
day. made a serious charge against the
non-enfOrcement OF the excise laws Of the
District of Columbia. He said:
There are today Atty speakeasies In
Washington to one in the county. Apart
from the negroes living down near the
brick yards, there are no sales of liquor in
Alexandria county. licensed or unlicensed,
yet there is not house of prostitution in
the District of Columbia that is not openly
and VIGOROUSLY engaged in the sale of
liquor without license. I can name dozen
places in Washington city where liquor is
sold on Sunday to any white man who Is
decently dressed. and there are dozens of
fake clubs OF the kind that We drove out
of Alexandria county openly selling liquor
IN Washington on Sunday to any person
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
ELIAS LYMAN.

Elias Lyman loves to lie
He lies all morning in the shade
And when the sun at noon gets high
He lies where fresher shade Is made.
He lies around all afternoon
And talks about the days gone by;
Beneath the silver. silent moon
He loves TO lie around and lie.
He lies upon the riverside.
His float upon the ripples lies
His fishing talent, when applied.
VIII make you murmur with surprise.
He lies upon the mountains. too.
When he Is on his hunting trips;
BE lies upon the ocean blue
When he 10 gazing at the ships.
Elias lies on summer nights
Upon hammock meath the trees;
In winter when the blizzard bites
He lies about and says he'll freeze;
He lies abed till half past eight
Should you peep through his bedroom door
You'll see this wonder. sure as fate,
His clothes are lying on the floor.
Elias Lyman lies about
A great deal more than you or 1;
OF this there's never any doubt:
He loves to lie around and lie
Some day Wen stand beside bis tomb
And sadly wipe our fearful eyes,
And read. with deep-drawn signs of gloom,
This: Here Elias Lyman lies"
Wilbur Nesbit In the Chicago Evening Post.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
Personal Responsibility.

There's music In the swaying
OF the branches meath the sky.
Gentle melodies are straying
With each breeze that wandsrs by
But unless you join the singing
You'll discover pretty soon
There's discord, flercely ringing,
And the band plays out Of tune.
Each Is like a leader standing
To direct the chorus there,
And It's by your hearts commanding
That the sound is harsh or fair.
So let your mood be cheerful
AS 1t may. both night and noon,
For it's something truly fearful
When the band plays out Of tune.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
THE INDEPENDENCE LEAGUE

From the Buffalo Commercial.
Hearst's papers report that there was an
unprecedented ovation lasting full thirty
minutes when he appeared before lne
Independent convention. This beats
Bryan's record by at least ten minutes.
From the New York Times.
1t will not hurt Mr. Hearst to be defeated.
He can afford it better, perhaps. than any
other candidate who ever ran. He will still
have his newspapers.
From the Baltimore Sun.
The Independence League" political
organization In New York. has nominated
Mr.. William R. Hearst for governor Of the
Empire state. There are few words In the
English language as impressive as the word
independence. But, as was said in that
famous apostrophe. 20 Liberty. how many
crimes are committed in thy name" SO also
it may be said OF independence.
From the New York Herald.
The best laid plans o. mice and men
gang aft a-gley.
The scheme of Mr.. Hearst's employees to
have the Independence League delegates
name him as candidate for governor and
leave the rest of the ticket blank went
a-gley.
From the Detroit News.
The chief dfAsculty Of the Hearst conven-
ton was in deciding whether to take over
the entire government of New York state,
or only the more important positions.
From the Pittsburg Dispatch.
Still 1t must have been something of a
shock to Mr.. Hearst to find his convention
was opposed to bossism even by Mr. Hearst.
From the Syracuse Post Standard
The Hearst League believes in uphold
ing and enforcing every property right +"
Astounding doctrine! Next they will be
telling us that man should be good to his
family.
From the Newark Advertiser
At any rate. the league showed indepen-
dence of its creator soon enough.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
ANSWERS TO
CORRESPONDENTS

FIN this column win he answered all questions OF
should write hide only and address their let.
tiers to Uncle Jasper" Star ONCE In OF dit.
weeI or aRo Il @sy 0f BE- sdr ..
for all Questioners to watch this column csrefuv.i
HIRAM-At our county fair held last
week a man had on exhibition a chicken
that had feathers instead OF fur. Isn't this
almost unheard Of? A.-Oh, dear. mol Not
at all. The chicken was evidently Matched
from cold storage egg. Read the papers.
Hi: read the papers.
Never look a gift motor car in the ton
neau.
!. X. PLEASE suggest something that
would make a novel wedding. Above
an English duke and a poor American girl
do? Yes7
This is the open marching season. Local
Doukhobors please take notice.
A delegation Is a bunch of delegates. but
an amputation is not a bunch OF amputates.
Crazy old language ours. amt it?
RURA-Last Monday one of my high
priced hens ate a paper of tacks. Do you
think 1t will hurt her? A.-Oh, no: not at
all. She probably felt like laying a carpet.
She always darned her hose with silk:
The holes were real extensive.
The price Of silk was very high,
Which made them darned expensive.
Train a child carefully in the way he
should go and sit back and watch him go
the way he shouldn't
FATHER-My daughter wants to marry
an earl. but / don't know any. Do you
think German count would answer. A
Yes. he'd answer all right-probably in
broken English.
Johnnie to the circus went.
He considered 1t immense:
His happy heart went flppity flap.
For the excitement was in tents.
MEDITERRANEAN Is the highest explo-
sive known to science? A.-The automobile;
some OF them cost as much as $4,000.
SPORTS there any similarity between
bank check and a poker check? A.-Oh
yes: quite some. One is dated and the other
is ante-dated. Git up Gertrude. the PIN
cushion Is on the mantel
HOUSEHOLDER-Unc Jasper where 10
the proper place to keep a cook during the
winter? A.-The Smithsonian Institution.
Why remove the exhibit in summer?
H. ]. K.-Does candy cure fatigue? A.
1t seems so sometimes. You must ba
counting, b.
1NVALID-Is 1t necessary to go clear to
Germany for the mud-bath treatment? A
Not on your life. Try New York politics.
WILL1AM-What do you think OF a man
who carries a pocket flask all the time and
drinks himself into a state Of excitement
at frequent intervals? A.-Sort OF a hip
hurrah. Roll up your carpet Bill, roll up
your carpet.
We regret to announce that the question
as to who smote one Billy Patterson Is
still unsolved as this edition goes to press.
UNCLE JASPER.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
NEWARK TO PATERSON

o! Paterson. dear Paterson, why don't you get q
on
The stream you dump your garbage into sa lily
needs improvin'.
You hasten like molasses cold Ito quote the words
of Horace.
You certainly would take the prize If entered In a
slow
For years and years we've called to you for yenrs
and years we've waited.
Till half our folks have moved away been
rhyxiated.
And stiil your sewage flood goes on, and still
cry IN vain.
o. Paterson dear Paterson. you're giving us
pain.
Newark News.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
THE PORTER'S EPITAPH.

It was a bold, bad Texas man,
Known all around as Deadshot Dan.
Who got upon a Pullman car,
And journeyed from his home afar.
Next morn, when ended was the trip.
He offered but a dime for tip:
The porter black turned up his nose,
And subsequently all his toes,
New Orleans Times-Democrat.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
Appreciative.

II understand your wife lectured you for
an hour last night"
Eyes" answered Mr. Meekton. "She told
me about few of my faults"
Didn't 1t annoy your
'In way You see. when a woman of
Henrietta's gifts condescends to make
speech, it does seem shame to have such
a small audience"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

People who resent photographic change
are much relieved to see the mildness of
the methods employed to bring about the
change. There were fears that some en-
thusiastic attache of the administration
would advocate the whipping post for unre-
formed spoilers.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
An QHhaud Guess.

"Who said Rather bear the Ills we have
than fly to others that we know not Off"
asked the ill-informed person.
IT don't know exactly" answered the
man whose mind Is always on the tariff,
but it was some one or another of those
standpatters."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

Mr.. Bryan's remarks about government
ownership are inexcusable After his ex-
pertence with free silver he ought to have
been able to recognize red-hot topic as
soon as he saw it.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
SHOOTING STARS.
A DiscouraEing Theory.

"Do you think that people will ever be
able to secure perfectly satisfactory gov
ernment?''
II doubt it,<>said Senator Sorghum. Ills
tory shows that no government has been
perfectly satisfactory to more than one per-
son at time, and he was the one who
happened to be the boss"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
A Muddled Moses.
From the New York World

From the New YORK World.
Is william J. Bryan making political
speeches as private citizen. or as the edi-
tor of the Commoner, or as the leader of
the democratic party and its prospective
candidate for President OF the United
States? He himself seems to be somewhat
in doubt as to his status.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

II Russia were a smaller country some
neighboring government would long since
have made preparations. In the interests Of
civilization, to step in and stop the dis
order.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
Progressive Youth

Johnny took his spelling book
And gave it just passing look.
Il shall not study It," said he;
"'Tis not revised enough for me-"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

The professor who says Bryan has psychic
force may be merely providing his enemies
with another weapon against him. Every
body is more or less afraid of a hypnotist.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

D'Annunzio had a dog who killed chick
ems. The owner of the chickens killed the
dog. and D'Annunzio had him arrested It
Is a narrowing tale but fearfully unpoetic
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

Some Of the Spanish generals who used to
be in Cuba will fail to see what men Of
such mild tempers as Mr.. Taft or Mr..
Bacon can hope to accomplish.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

w. r. Hearst has never managed to have
quite his own way. but he has succeeded
in spelling the enjoyment of a great many
other people.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

1t Is not surprising that some Of the Cali
fornia democrats do not like W. R. Hearst
Californians never like a man who prefers
to live in New York.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

John D. Rockefeller feels that the public
does not understand him. The courts may
be doing him a real favor by promoting a
closer mutual acquaintance.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16
Too Much Attention.

Americans pay too much attention to
wealth..
yes" answered the rural millionaire,
Especially the men who assess property"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

Cuba threatens to provide the peace
making talent in this country with material
for some time to come.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

The car is to be congratulated on being
able to take yachting cruise without fear
OF a mutiny
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

out-of-town dealers can depend upon It
that all goods Will be as represented Great
er Washington cannot tell lie
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

There will probably be no further fault
to find with the weather bureau until the
cold wave season arrives
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

More politics can develop in a light lunch
con at Oyster Bay than in whole series Of
campaign banquets.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

1NVALID-Is 1t necessary to go clear to
Not on your life. Try New York politics
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

II. j. K.-Does candy cure fatigue? A.
1t seems so sometimes. You must ba
counting Bo.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

HOUSEHOLDER-JTnc Jasper. where IN
the proper place to keep a cook during the
winter? A.-The Smithsonian Institution.
Why remove the exhibit in summer?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-09-16

W1LL1AM-What do you think OF man
who carries a pocket flask all the time and
drinks himself into a state of excitement
at frequent intervals? A.-Sort OF a hip
hurrah. Roll up your carpet, Bill, roll up
your carpet.