The Topeka state journal., 1906-06-30
,hiect is to get the Alleviator down.

object is to get the Alleviator down.
Don't swaller pebbles, nails, sand-pa-
per or broken glass with the contents
of the bottle They need no aid
There is no call to sit around and look
solemn and sing gospel hymns between
doses. Just go out and milk the COW
and feed the hogs and jaw back in the
usual way if the old woman goes to
talking agin patent medicines
1 wish it distinctly understood that
my Pain Alleviator is not to be classed
with the nostrums and cure-aIls found
advertised in the newspapers and maga-
zines.
I personally prepare every bottle,
wrap it up, keep it under lock sEld key
until sold to some sufferer, and there is
positively no chance for any malicious
individual to pour out the contents and
refill with buttermilk or ginger ale.
Positively no danger to adults or chill
dren if they get hold of the bottle and
find it such good thing that they can't
let 60 Can be taken in the darkest
night as well as at monday, and re-
gardless of the state of the moon Look
for my name on the wrapper, and II
you don't find it there then call the
Would-be seller a liar and a hoss-thtef-
While my nlovin pictures have thus
far been a great success, I am preparin'
to add many others, and to so fix the
machinery that the pictures will move
faster For instance, it now takes my
Washington crossin the Delaware, an
hour and a half to get over the river
and down to business. The audience
gets bored after a while and begins to
argue politics and start rows, and the
harmony of things is broken up.
shall arrange to have Washington make
the crossing and lick the British out
of their boots in from ten to twelve
minutes. I have discovered that after
ten minutes of gore the average au-
dience thirsts for beer.
Another of my pictures shows Cleo
patra huggin' the poisonous asp to her
bosom while she walks three miles TO
find a good place to die in She's too
particular. She might as well stop IN
the first fence corner and do her dyin'
there and let the audience heave a
sigh Of relief as soon as possible.
expect to add 10 my collection a
picture from the celebrated painting
called The Lions Bride" It repre-
sents a girl lyin' dead in lions cage.
and the lion tryin to look mournful
out of half-open eyes. No one who has
ever seen that picture has ever been
able to make out whether the girl was
struck down by the lion or died of a
broken heart because her things didn' t
come back from the laundry in time.
Nothing pleases an agricultural audi
ence more than a mystery. That's the
reason they are always guessin' the
weight of a hog or the number OF beans
in the jar in a grocer's winder.
shall also add the pictures of sew
eral presidents Of the Insurance COM
panies. They will first be shown as
poor young men struggling to keep soul
and body together and wear 25 cent
suspenders, and then later on as bend
in beneath the weight of sacks of
greenbacks that have come to them
through the practice of Integrity and
KNOWN just what bait to use to catch
rats. While this pictur' is bein' shown
Dolicyholders will be asked to step out
side and take a walk and think things
over.
There will be pictures of three DIFF
ferent railroad presidents walkiu' along
on the earth which they have come to
own, and durin' the exhibition no one
will be allowed to yell out anything
about rebates. That's an old story,