The new age. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1896-1905, 1906-03-03
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Bess-Oh, yes. Papa says he owes
everybody.
Ostend- Say, pa, how do they raise
political plumsp Pa-By grating,
my son.-Chicage Daily News.
Church-What is your lunch hour?
Gotham-Between twelve o'clock and
five minutes later.-Yonkers States
man.
Yeast-Did he fail to make a sue
cess Of business? Crimsonbeak-Yes.
believe that Is why he failed.-Yonk-
ers Statesman.
Nell-Old Mr.. Gotrox says he would
die for me. Belle-Be careful. He
may be stronger than he looks.-Phila-
delphia Record.
DE man dat thinks he knows 1t all, !"
said Uncle Eben, ''ginerally turns out
to be victim of misplaced confidence"
Washington Star.
First Vermiform Appendix-People
are trying to get rid Of us. Second
vermiform Appendices; but we are
still In the majority
Kind Friend-Pardon me, but
ought to tell you that Jones has run
away with your wife. Husband
(bored) But why run?-Punch.
I'm Sweden q plumber is called a
Observation-Disclosures" He is, Ell?
I'll bet he charges for the time while
he is being called 1t, too. "-Exchange.
Bella-So she's engaged at last! She
seems likely to beat us all in the mat
rimonial race Stella-Yes; she Is on
her last lap this time.-Illustrated
Bits.
Kate-Millie says Jack tried to kiss
her and she called him down hard !!
Do you believe it? Toni believe that
he tried to kiss her, yes Detroit Free
Press.
Peppery-You don't mean to say
that you absolutely do nothing? Cholly
-Aw, / don't even do that My man
attends to ev'wything, you know
Philadelphia Press.
Pat-This is a great country, Mary
Ann. Mary Ann-How's that? Pat
Shure tn pa-apers SEE yez can buy a
foive-dollar money order for three
ints'-Washington Life.
Waiter-How did you order your
beef, sir2 Gruffieigh-Personally, con-
found you! 1 suppose ought to have
ordered it by mail two weeks In ad-
vance.-Cleyeland Plain Dealer.
Customer Tin restaurant)-Waiter, 1
wish you would bring me medium
done porterhouse steak smothered In
mushrooms. Waiter Ito cook Choke
one with the toadstools milwaukee
Sentinel.
"'The rolling stone gathers no
moss" quoted the man who had never
been outside his home county. TRUE"
rejoined the globe trotter, but 1t ac-
quires an enviable polish."-Chicago
Daily News.
Brown claims to have the most re-
markable auto in town." "Why so? l
don't see anything great about 1T
well, he says he's had 1t year, ana
there are still two Of the original
parts left."-Judge.
The Lawyer-By the way, what
shall we charge jerks for our services
In that case we won for himT About
thirty thousand? His Partner-Great
Scott, mani Isn't he worth more than
that ?-Brooklyn Life.
Gentleman With Grievance-This
auto breaks down every ten minutes.
Conscientious Dealer-What OF 1t!
Gentleman With Grlevance-You said
there we're none better! Conscientious
a
"oh, Johnny" said the Sunday
school teacher, you mustn't take
money from the plate. Why did you
trv to do such a thing" Il thought
Won said it was fer the heather, and
nav saws I'm one.-Exchange.
First American Millionaire-Whati In
the world are you going over to see all
the English cathedrals TORT Secohu
American MilliOnaire-l'm putting up
an automobile stable, and I'm looking
for something handsome In design
Life.
"Woodby declares his grandfather
descended from one of the greatest
houses In England" "Ah, yes; did
boor a story about the old man fall
ing of a roof he was repairing once
for Lord Somebody or other. "-Phila-
delphia Ledger.
Farmer Green-Say, Neighbor Jones
raised such a big pumpkin that he cut
n in half and made two cradles out
Of II for his twins. City Boarder-
THAT'S nothing. Down in the city we
often have three cops asleep on a
single beat.-Exchange
81 suppose you will marry when you
GROW m" said the visitor, pleasantly.
SNo" replied the thoughtful little girl,
"mamma says papa is more care than
+be children. 80 l guess the care OF my
children will be enough for me without
the care of a husband. "-Chicago
Evening Post
PatIence-You're quite lame to-day7
patrice-Yes. Will stood on my foot
for two minutes last night Patience
And YOU allowed 1t? Patrice-I didn't
know It Patience know he
was standing on your foot7 Patrice-
No I didn't. He was proposing at the
+Ime-Yonkers Statesman.
"pa." said little Willie, what Is the
difference between a magnet and a
magnateY' "a magnet, Willie, is me-
taIlic substance, generally OF iron,
which will attract certain metals, but
not gold or silver. A magnate Is me-
tallic substance, invariably Of brass,