Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-02-24
CONJUGAL SYSTEM

! to the present he is away ahead OF the
! game. He maintains. with considerable
show of proof. that his system Is one that
| can't lose
| His system briefly defined consists In
standing mute under his wifes TRADES.
He evolved the theory. both from expert
| enee and observation. that IL there is any
one thing In the world that mfuriates a
married woman engaged In orally lam
| basting her husband for his sins, It Is for
me husband to maintain an utter and i'm
| penetrable silence.
When he found this out he had gained
wisdom. and when he put it into practice
he had gained peace
| Before tumblng onto this coniugaI sys-
tenn. lie mad permitted himself To make
reply to his wife's jibes, jeers and aceusa-
lions during the moments of domestic erup-
tons.
he did not know. then. that the man
never nVed, before or after the earliest of
| the Phoenician navigators. who ever stood
| chance on earth to win in an argument
with his wife. Myriads of millions of hus-
bands have gone to their graves without
ever having found this fact out Countless
millions who did find it out didn't have the
sense to be guided by it. and lost out in
| thelr domestic struggles. as matter Of
course, from the beginning to the end.
Before this particular man gained the
wisdom of silence under wifey reprobation
ne had, like most of the rest, the habit of
"tio"ViiliS pdCh tie would come nome
pretty late. for example, with some kind OF
OBVIOUSLY rehearsed yarn about having at
tended to an important business engage
mtnt' and his wife would open up on him.
fed have pat reply. She'd spring n
patter one. Then they'd haven't back and
forth. and the thing would inevitably ter
inmate IN the mans being slithered to rib
bons. One fancy crack would bring on an
"ther, one sarcasm would generate another.
ana tor little while the Scared and evil
bird of hate would hover over the home
Eager to gain the advantage, which, of
course. had never really departed from the
woman, both would say things to each other
that It hurt them to even think about after
ward, and thus the old game went on
NOW the man discovered the strange eff
iicacy or silence In a curious way. He came
nome one night about two months ago Just
a teenchy bit to the bad. He had met some
OF the fellers, and he'd taken one or two
TOO many He didn't have any excuse at
hand that he thought he'd be able TO get
away with at home. Moreover, he had a
nunch that his tongue might prove a bit
thick and troublesome. anyway. So. right
on the threshold of his home he had an in
spiration.
lie resolved that he wouldn't say a word.
1t worked gorgeously, and he's been play
ing the system ever since
Here's about the way the play unravels
itself:
Wen suppose that the man comes home
late His wife is sitting up, with all of the
gas naring, and the corners of her mouth
drawn tightly downward. She drops her
DOCK when he comes in, stares hard at him.
and. says she, in a most significant tone
full of inquiry:
''Well?"
Man. after hanging up his hat and coat.
drops into chair. with an amiable ex-
preston OF countenance, -fiicks little i'm
aginary dust off his coat lapel and saws
nothing. shes waiting for him to begin
to unreel the excuse. He fools her
w ell?. she repeats In hard. acrid tone.
Have you any reason to offer for your
tir,,a 80
morning, and in this condition? ?" (The man
has had two bottles of beer and his condi-
tion is all right but she won't grant that)
Man gets to looking at one of the pictures
on the wall, and seems to notice that the
picture is hanging a bit crooked. He goes
over to the picture and fixes 1t straight.
put says nary a word. This causes her to
begin, then and there, to get somewhat
het us.
so you don't dare trust yourself to talk
that is it? she says, with still more ac-
CuSatory ring In her tone You are simply
chr
Man gets out his pocket knife. opens I'D
Inc nail HE blade, and proceeds to file away
an imaginary hang nail from his left thumb
But he doesn't say a word,
W hat do you think of yourself I'd like
TO Know says his wife after half a min
utes silence, making the pause for the ner-
fectly obvious purpose of allowing the man
to put his foot into It by replying which he
utterly declines to do. Il wonder If yo,,
ever stop to think that you are going to the
dogs Just as fast as you ever can? Does II
ever occur to you that you're getting into
rut OF dissipation lately that is lust bound
70 drag you down 10 perdition and land us
both in the poorhOuSe?'
Man whistles about three bars of a plafn
i've air, and picks up The Star paper which
ne read through right after dinner and
pretehdS TO be deeply absorbed in the Ana
costa news. But he doesn't say ANYTHING
She begins to pant with rage IT begins
to become palpable TO her that he isn't go
ing TO reply to any ordinary knock She
makes up her mind that she's going TO
make him say something or know the rea-
son why. In order to start him she con-
cludes to hand him some kind of a cutting
Jolt sufficient to damage his self-esteem
Whlcn she, IKE most women, ina gines is
the male beasts most vulnerable point
next to his desire for food at all hours of
the day and night
do you know" she saws to him with
great delfberation. that you are beginning
T. look perfectly sodden? Your face is pos
ftiVely puffy. You are beginning TO look
coarse and jowly. You are beginning to
neglect your appearance and are becoming
ing
Man gazes up at the ceiling, with a sort
of half-grin, and whistles the remaining
bar or two of the plaintive air But he
isn't there with any reply whatever By
this time she is so furious that her hands
red wrath.
II suppose" she goes on. that the com
pany you have been in tonight was so vile
that even you-even you-hate to sit and
lie about it. and so YOU are keeping still?"
Man gets up and yawns and stretches
with great. apparent enjoyment. But he
has nothing to say.
Her teeth clicking together by this
time, and there are two bright spots on her
cheeks. She looks as if she'd like to bite
him.
Yes" she adds land your hair is get
ting thin on top. You've got all the signs
of man going to pieces. You're becom-
ing fat and stodgy. Your ewes are beeom-
ing green and watery- looking. I know
folks are beginning to notice how you're
going downtown could they help noticing
It? Why. even your teeth are beginning to
turn dark, from neglect and dissipation.
I'd just like to have you see yourself as
you are lately. and as others see YOU
Man turns over the advertising pages OF
one of the magazines on the table. and
seems to become profoundly immersed in
the pictures of automobiles. But he re-
mains silent. His wife begins to hop up
and down the room, unable to contain her
self in her rage
Heaven forgive me for having joined my
life to a perfect dummy" she snaps ''If
anybody had ever predicted for me that I'd
be tied for life to a noody-naddy that
couldn't say word for himself. I'd have
just laughed that's what Ia have done
just laughed etc. etc, etc.