Peninsula enterprise. [volume] (Accomac, Va.) 1881-1965, 1906-02-24
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THE PENSION OFFICE
HUMOR THAT SPICES THE ROUTINE
WORK OF THE OFFICIALS.

Some of the Quaint and Original APP
pIications For Payments That Have
Been Handed In 10 the Representa-
tives of Uncle Sam.
If he dared to do so the commissioner
Of pensions at Washington could com
pile a delightful volume, putting there
n the strange applications for pensions
that come to his office. Some of these
letters belong to the "too good to keep
class, and they find their way out into
the world, where they add good deal
to the hilarity of nations. Some appn-
cants for pensions manifest the most
chlldlike ignorance regarding the meth
cd Of procedure necessary when apply
Ing for pension. They seem to think
that all they have to do Is to send an
application to the pension office and
Uncle Sam will forward check by re-
turn mail.
Soon after the close of the civil war
there came to the pension office in
Washington the following unique and
poetical application for a pension that
went the rounds of the newspapers
years ago:
TO Commissioner Of Pensions Washington
these many years I've tried In vain
an honest pentlon to obtain
For wound received in Sixty one
at first Battle OF Bull Run
one Of ohioes sons so brave
who went to the front the union to save
And whilst Engaged in above said fight
a rebel Shell took half my sight
! Not content by taking an Eye
this treacherous shell In Passing by
took my Eye Brow Clear OF the bone
and Left me as unconscious as n stone
burning n blister of Crystal Clear
from the Jaw bone to the Ear
but thanks to god my life was spared
Check and Eye brow but Slitely Scared
and one Ego was left to me
for TO wright and read Poetre
1 hope that with that Eye TO see the DAY
when unkel Sam his Crpples will Pay
Much more recent is the letter sent
70 the commissioner Of pensions by an
applicant who had contracted blood
poisoning In tie following remarkable
manner:
got blood poison by beinge hit with n
hens eg wen l cam back from the trunt'
The eg was not good wen you send my
pension / want the Deed made sos my
wife can't get none Of 1t. She throde the
eg She war a rebbel.
Equally appealing and remarkable
was another letter sent to the pension
office In which the applicant set forth
his claims to Il pension in this wise:
The way I got my War ingery was a
ketchin of n hog. The Hog war wanted
by our captain for forege. We was chasil
the hog and she crawled threw a mole
an thot l were about the size or the hos
and tried to crawl threw, but STUCK an
in tryin to wiggle out l throde the rales
off an one It hit me on my he'd and nocked
me senseless. l do not think the hog had
nothin to do with my line Of duty Tor l
aid not ketch the hog. Witch she never
was caut, so pleze send along my pension.
One aged pensioner had evidently
made a serious blunder by taking
unto himself wife in his old age Tor
love Of gain seems to have been the
motive of the woman who married him
If the following letter stated the facts
In the case:
Dear Mister Government. Pleze to fix UP
my penshun papers so as my wife CAM
draw my twelve dolers munt When
, am ded. she say she marryed me LOT IoV
an to be q ole mans Darling but now
no II was for to git my penshun on her
self by being my widower so Pleze IL,
nv penshun end with me but pleze doah'
let on to her that you got this from me
or 1 would have a hot time Of 1t and times
Is hotter now than l can stand. so wher
send word that am no moar then seho
her this If you want to but not until the
penshun Is shut off which 1t Is her JUS
desserts for marryin for money an In
Mersheenary spirrut.
One day there came to the pension
office a very old and subdued looking
man who could scarcely totter along
with the help Of two canes. BY his sld'
was a very robust and perfectly sell
reliant young woman Of perhaps thirty
wears Of age. When some one wen
forward to ask what was wanted th'
young woman said:
"Well, I'll just tell you. This Is my
husband, and we amt getting enough
pension-that's what we amt. Were
getting only $40 a month, and we know
a man that wasn't In the war half III
long as my husband was and didn't ge
a shot in him and he gifts his Sl2
} month, and we want our pension raise(
to that flgger or more"
One applicant was willing to give tn
/ most palpable proof Of the genuinenes
Of his injuries, for he wrote as follows
II you don't think l was shott In tn
war I am willing to come on there ant
YOU or any one else can lay their hnge
: on the bullet imbedded in my back wGicl
panes me when l stoop or lay on 1t ant
which It has brought on pertinent dis
, ability so / can't work like l used L
, could l guess If you would speak to Pres
ident Maykinley and tell him about tn
bullet he would say to send on the pen
ton and any medikel doctor would sa
the same. A doctor here will go his af
fydavitt that he has layed his fingers o.
the bullet witch l am proud Of as scars o
War where l fit and bled for my countr
witch 1t Is America and Union forever.
New York Tribune
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