Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1906-03-10
HAIL FOR THE OzARkS!
Washington Residents Should
Prepare to Emigrate.
WANT TO MOVE CAPITAL
To the Cerulean-H azed Mountains of
Missouri.
THE DIME MAGAZINE WRITERS
Declare There is No Moral Ozone Here
People Of This Town Have
Been Blind.
WANT TO MOVE CAPITAL
THE DIME MAGAZINE WRITERS

| Well. are you ready to move TO the
| Ozarks?
| II not. get busy with the packingi This
| thing OF being laggard doesn't get you
| anything. True, your residence In poor old
| Washington, with Its malignant climate. Is
| liable to have ''enervated' you so that
you're not able to get much OF q move on
| any more-we'ra told that the climate OF
| Washington Is malignant anyhow, and
| we believe most of this verbal junk that
| Is handed out to US. because we are not
| from Missouri
But, anyhow. enervated or no enervated.
| It beflooyeth all hands to get aboard in a
hurry for the Ozarks for that's where the
new capital of the United States of Amer
| lea Is going to be-(Fido, stop that within
pering In your sleepi)-and nobody likes to
be beat to 1t nowadays by his neighbor.
The matter IS arranged. YOU see The site
| In the Ozarks for the new capital has done
been selected. Presently little old Washing
ton. the scene of SO many splendors. will be
| deserted settlement mingling its tears
with those of old Alexandria. while the
| puriing Potomac swiris unregardfully, not
! to say disdainfuly by. The public buildings
will fall into decay, grass and weeds Will
| sprout through the interstices and crannies
| of the unrepaired concrete, the toot OF the
| motor horn will be but a remembered echo
| Of the yesteryears, the gladness Of the gov
| ernmental pay day will be but faint how
| ering, fragrant memory of the gone time.
| and notwithstanding bats and mournfully
hooting owls will fly weirdiy through the
| rotunda OF the Capitol. The original Show
| Me Association of the District of Columbia
will be holding its weekly verbal jousts in
| the state whence its ritual sprung. Missouri.
Ho! for the new capital of Aurora, where
/ poisoned air is unknown. but whore hot air,
| for domestic and commercial purposes. is
| pipe-lined and as free for all as the crystal
pebbles picked up In the ozoney' foothills
of the cerulean- ha ze-bathed Ozarks.
| We haven't been Informed whether the
| bOrealis goes with Aurora, but we wouldn I
be bit surprised If 1t did. for the Ozarks
possess oil of the advantages of both po-
| laric and tropic climes, and then some more.
And when we get out to the Ozarks we'll
all be near Joe Folk. Maybe there isn't in
| effableness in that thought.
Washington's Doom Was Sounded.
| The downfall OF Washington as the capt.
| tai of the United States was Inevitable when
| Link Steffens and Davey Graham Phillips
| attacked Washington on the ground that
| it was rotten through and through. / used
| to work on the same paper in New York
! with Davey Phillips. vars and vars ago
| but little did think. when out on the same
| assignments to him. that the appalling
| day would come when he would join In
with others in pronouncing the doom of my
| home town of Washington. If had even
| suspected any such thing at that time
| should have given Dayey one OF the sulk-
| lest spanks on the pulse which l was cap
| able of delivering deed would've.
The not-to-be-deferred day when the
| United States is to be governed by the pro-
| nunciamentos of the spick-and-span young
men who write horrfd things for the ten
cent magazines has at length arrived We
knew it was coming, all the time, but We
| hoped against hope. and We chung to a
wistful sort of aureate dream that poor ht-
| tie old Washington would manage, some
how or another. to Withstand the typhoon.
But now that fully four persons from the
| Ozarks of Missouri have risen in their tow
| ering right and reason and demanded thai
the roots of this government be torn W
| from District of Columbia soil and trans
planted in the rich loan of the Ozarks. We
| give up, we pass; we go into the discard,
breathing a sigh over our inability to draw
| any kind of cards that might enable US to
| put up a fight, and we're getting ready to
inhale that mazarine oxygen OF the ozarks
| of which we have heard so much.
And so, before tearing up the Kitchen oil
| cloth and getting ready to join the Ozark
bound caravan, we sit down for sad little
/ while and reflect upon the reasons that
have been underlying and making Tor the
| elimination and extirpation Of Washington
| as capital all these long years
Tourists Knew All About It.
In the first place, speaking medically and
Washingtonians have been an unhealthy
| bunch right along. Most of US haven't
known It, but the hanky-panks from Au-
rora and other places who have been com
ing here and riding on the rubber neck
wagons have known It all the time. They
have told US so. They have informed u.s.
these rugged and ruddy tourists from Kan
kakee and Peru, Ind. and other such mad
| ding centers, that we lived in a malaria
poisoned, swampy, miasmatfc burg, and
| that there wasn't a chance in a thousand
| for any health to linger by or with US. But
we never. in our pigheadedness, believed
all this De Tocqueville, Trollope and G.
| Dickens, esq, told our Washington for
bears the same thing-having heard it
| themselves somewhere-long before we
were born but our forbears, too. were
pig-headed, and they refused to believe It,
! and wouldn't move away just out OF
straight-out stubbornness and contrari-
ness.
| So that, really, there has been some ex-
cuse for us staying here all these years,
even when the excursionists who have
come here on half-rate tickets to see the
Nay-tienal Mu-see-um and the Andrew
jackson statoo "standin' right up on Its
hind legs"-even when these sage and
knowing persons have told US that We were
living in q poisonous. fever-and- agger eli
mate that was liable to sweep us on TO our
last great reward at any old minute.
Moreover. speaking in a strictly personal
sense we have right along been inclined to
dispute the assertions of the riders on the
t rubber-neek wagons that little old Wash
ington was such a horribly poisonous town,
viewed from the miasmatic or any other
point of view. For quite a considerable
period we were jamnIing around the world
and all over the Seven Seas, and yet we
never felt better In our lives, anywhere.
from the Boring to the Magellan straits
and from Tangier to Truxillo than we al
ways did when taking a modest little StroH
down Pennsylvania avenue. Somehow or
another the poison of this District or
Columbia climate refused to percoiate