Waterbury evening Democrat., 1905-12-07
MARK TWAIN'S
 BIRTHDAY SPEECH
Tells How to Live to Seventy
 and Not Mind It.
REVEALS RECIPE FOR A LONG LIFE

.pIeted Biblical Span of Life by
 Sticking to a Scheme Which Would
 Kill Others--Goes to Bed With Reg
 uIar Irregularity-GetsU Up When He
 Has Te-TeIIs Why He Was the
 First Standard Oil Trust.
 Mark Twain Samuel L. Clemens, the greatest of living humorists, was the. guest of honor the other night at 8 dinner at Delmonicos in New York given by Colonel George Harvey in honor of the humorist's seventieth birth day anniversary.
 William Dean Howells was called up on to offer the toast to Mir. Clemens He said he would make it in the form of double barreled sonnet. and pro- posed the health of the Father of the AIherican Joke, with the wish that he might live as long as he liked. Mir Howells then read the following poem A traveller from the old world, just es-
 Our customs with his life, had found his
 way
 To a place uptown. where colossus
 shaped
 Itself, skyscraper high, against the day. A vast smile, dawning from it's mighty
 lips.
 Like sunshine on its visage seemed to
 brood:
 One eye winked in perpetual eclipse;
 In the other a huge tear of pity stood. l.~ ot., ok n1a.
 shone;
 Its measureless bulk grotesque exultant
 rose,
 And. while Titanic puissance clothed it on,
 Patience with foreigners was in its pose. So that. What art thou?' the emboldened
 traveller spoke.
 And it replied: T am the American joke T am the joke that laughs the proud to
 scorn;
 mock at cruelty; banish care; I cheer the lonely, chipper the forlorn;
 bid the oppressor and hypocrite be-
 ware.
 I tell the tale that makes men cry for joy;
 bring the laugh that has no hate in it; In the heart of age I wake the undying
 boy;
 My big stick blossoms with thornless The lame dance with delight in me; my
 mirth
 Reaches the deaf untrumpeted; the blind My point can see. jolly the whole earth
 But most l love to jolly my own kind. Joke of a people great, gay, bold and free type their master mood. Mark Twain
 made me-
 Humorist, philosopher and poet spoke in turn in Mark Twain's speech on How to Get to Be Seventy and Not Mind It. in answer to the toast. He began with whimsical diary of his first day, recited in that inimitable drawl quaint formulae for promoting a reliable longevity, and then in a voice low, yet resonant and clear, and in words which flowed as if to music far away, he told of life beyond the allot- ted span. His auditors at first were convulsed with laughter; they were. be-. guiled into delightful byways, and when the last line was spoken they were on the verge of tears.
 T remember that first birthday we'll" said Mr. Clemens. Whenever I think of 1t it is with indignation. Every thing was so crude, so unaesthetic. Nothing was really ready. was born, you know, with a high and delicate aesthetic taste. And then think of it. I had no hair, no teeth, no clothes. And l had to go to my first banquet like that.
 And everybody came swarming in. It was the merest little hamlet in the of Missouri where never anything happened at all. All interest rentered in me that day. They came with that peculiar provincial curiosity 10 look me over and to see if I had brought anything fresh in my particu- lar line. Why. I was the only thing hat had happened in the last three months. and came very near being he only thing that happened there in TWO whole years.
 They gave their opinions. No one lad asked them, but they gave them, md they were all just green with prej- idice. l stood it as long as--well, you Inow, was born courteous. stood for about an hour: then the worm turned. I was the worm. It was my urn to turn, and I did turn. I knew he strength of my position. I knew hat I was the only spotlessly pure 'erson In that camp, and I just came ut and told them so.
 Tt was so true that they could nake no answer at all They merely flushed and went away. We'll. that vas my cradle song. and now I am inging my swan song It is a far tretch from that first birthday to hls, the seventieth. Just think of 1t! The seventieth birthday It is the me of life when you arrive at a new nd awful dignity: when you may 1row aside the decent reserves which ave oppressed you for a generation nd stand unafraid and unabashed up- n your seven terraced summit and 'ok down and teach-unrebuked You m tell the world how you got there. Is what they all do. have been nxious to explain my own system this 'ng time, and now ct last I have the ght.
 'I have achieved my seventy years in le usual way-by sticking strictly to 'heme of life which would kill any 1dy else. It sounds Ike an exaegera- on. but that Is really the common rule r attaining old age When we ex- nine the programme of any of these srrulous old people we always fnd at the habits which have preservea Iem would have decayed us. viii Ter here. as a sound maxim. this: Tat