The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-12-24
PILGRIM JOE
His Moving Pictures Move. and He
Also Follows Suit.

beast Before proceeding to relate, I +
wish to depart from my usual method /
nay Alleviator. As its name indicates I
it alleviates, No matter what ais
you, physically or mentally, it brings I
a feeling Of blandness and consolation I
It prevents suicide.
It drives thoughts of murder out Of
your mind.
It consoles you when your wife
elopes.
It makes you smile when your hus-
band digs out.
It dissolves sadness as the morning
sun dissolves the dew.
A critter who has no aim in life has
only to take one bottle to find aims
buzzing around him like humble bees. /
Look for the yaller label and take
no other. See that your druggist gives I
you Pilgrim Pain Alleviator, instead of
laudanum or carbolic acid.
Never equaled and never to be ex-
celled. No -chrOmos. No prize pack
ages. VIII not restore the dead to
life, but has been known to work Won
ders when man has had house fall
on him.
I had luxuriously billed the town
of Sold Again for my coming COM
binatiOn, and when I arrived was
pleased to observe that there was a
fiutter of excitement among the peo-
pie. had been in the town about
an hour, and the hutter was still
huttering, when the mayor came
around and asked what sort of a show
1 had. I gave him the combination
a tintype outfit, trotting horse,
fighting dog, a grasshopper in a bottle,
ing pictures, and he said:
GO ahead with your show. I pre-
dict that you win meet with tumultu-
Gus applause. We have had so many
fakes here that the people won't stand
another If yours was a. Cheap John
show I should warn you to get right
out of town.
I handed him out the usual six
complimentary tickets, and he looked
at them for a minute and then asked:
Where's the rest?'
what rest?"
There's ninety-four coming to me.
No show as is a show gives me less'n a.
hundred free tickets"
I smiled blandly and let him have
his way, and he had been gone about
fifteen minutes when another citizen
hunts me up to say:
"What sort of a show have you
got here, anyway? Don't attempt to
work off any chicken-hatching on us
for a circus. This is the town of Sold
Again, but we've got tired of the
game"
satisfacti and handed him the same
number of dead-head tickets that
had first offered the mayor.
s'Sixty-nine more coming to me-" he
/ blandly observed.
LAS hOW2"
"As the. sheriff is always entitled to
seventy-five dead-heads. If you are
looking for tumuhuous applause hand
/ EN- over"
They were handed out, and I was
still bordering on the ways of men
when my thoughts were interrupted
by the coming of a citizen who ex-
tended his paw and said:
/ MY fifty, please"
your fifty what ?"
Free tickets. I'm the town clerk,
and if you get me down on you there
won't be no show tonight
lIvfe. figs ill., PmgETAIO n n iii
After him came four aldermen with
demand for twenty-five tickets
apiece, and I found I had passed out
325 tickets and would not take in a
dollar in cash at the door I hoped to
make it up otherwise, however, and
did not despair. AS soon as the orb
of day had disappeared in favor of
the darkness of night I took my place
on the public square with two hum
dred bottles of my Alleviator, and in
! a few WeH-chosen words told the peO-
pie of it's virtues. I was careful to
! keep clear of politics and religion.
made no mention of the Pilgrim Faith
ers or the battle of Bunker Hill.
simply offered to let any one take a
barrel of my Alleviator and leave it to
him as to whether he felt better or
not and should pay for the same. I
! felt that 1 was making a. favorable
impression on the crowd when the
mayor appeared and crooked his fin
aAs to what?" says I.
GAS to my three dozen bottles free.
If your Alleviator is a good thing, you'll
! get tumultaous applause; if it's a bad
thing, you'll get the bounce. Hand
over"
After him came the sheriff, the
aldermen and the town clerk, and I
! 1o
gone. Then the people around me
said they guessed they'd wait for re-
ports before investing, and it required
all my philosophy and natural bland
ness to prevent my betraylng the DIS
! appointment surging through my soul.
However, after retiring to the hall and
! taking a liberal dose of my own medi-
cine my spirits came stealing gently
back, and by the time I was ready to
open the show I was myself again.
The dead-head tickets had been scat
tered around with liberal hand, and
not a cent was taken in at the door in
4 the way of admission. On the other
hand, however, I thought I could see
/ that the people were ready to render
me the tumultuous applause referred
4 to by the mayor, and hope held a place
in my heart. Even when an actor S
salary is four weeks behind he is
gratified to hear the people yell. I
presented the moving pictures as fol-
lows, with results as recorded:
Washington crossing the Delaware
| by boat. Some of the audience want
ed to know why he didn't cross on a
/ bridge.
A meeting of the members of the
Beef Trust to raise the price of liver.
Received in silence, the majority OF
the audience taking it for a meeting of
the Observation-Disclosures ENJOYS
A meeting between a. coal baron and
a railroad president, with the earth at
their right. Earth doesn't amount to
shucks in comparison. Received with
wells, but hard to say what the yells
J signified.
! The president of a great life insur-
ance company trying to remember
what a hundred thousand dollar check
was drawn for. Received with yells
/ slesrnnt.Ia nm Ia Id E1aa defff.s