The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1905-05-03
THE LoQuAcIous COLONEL,
Relieves His Mind Relative to Sundry
Matters Of National Importance.
Decides to Move to Free Roosha

that had no heart in it. Just brilliant
display Of invective calculated to keep the
tongue in practice without taxing the in
tellect.
Last week, however, tie Colonel really
got Gown to business in the old time way.
= hure," said the Colonel, as he meditat-
lively watched William giving the super
visorial boots their quarterly shine.
"Shure, its harrud it is to be movin at my
tonne av life, but its going am I've
no use f'r til country nothin' free with
but tn libries. Whin Oh wuz a young
buck Oh lift home an me native hattie FIR
to come to free Ameriky, an now in me
ould age It's afther movin' again Oh am"
"Oi shall be goin' to Free Roosha.
That's where Dim goin'. To tn land av
tn pace-lovin' Impror, tn man who con-
thributs reglar to tn support av Inter-
nashnul pace an til populashun av Siberia
Tis wake. moinded, pace-lovin' ould
sinner he is, an Old sooner take me
chanst wild him than wild TIL Smut ridden,
thrust-bitten, Union-labbelled country
that has grown up undher tn gloryus con-
stitooshun that privints US from doin'
anything that we want done an kapes us
dom thin things that we don't want
done, ez tn Episticles sez"
''Teddys all Roght. He's tn man fir
me money iviry daay in TIL wake. No,
\ 81 y,
Dimmycrat tickut whin Oh was two wakes
in this country an have been a votin' av
it liver since But it's a first class laad he
is just TIL same. But what's wan good
man among so nanny"
TEDDY, he SEE. SEE he, Let's have a
square deal. SEE he. Its not me yure
manin' SEE ould Rokyfeller, Dim afther
givin' a square dale to all av me sthock-
holders, he SEE. 'Besoides which, SEE til
ould man, Dim givin regular to tn
support Of higher eddicashun, an to tn
sprid of tn gospul an tn consiquint
widening av an oil-using civilizashun.
Ut,s tn railroads youse must be manin
not me- Thin TIL ould divil raches into
his nayhor's pockut and gives another
hundred thousan fer Turin
mishuns"
"Well Teddy gets afther tn railrodes.
An TIL House gets afther thin an tn pee
pull gets afther thin an things is lookin'
mighty blue FIR magnyates till tn poor
Lootnent-Ginrals av Industry runs up
again thu Smut. Twas loike tn maatin'
av long lost brothers on desert Isle.
amt me, SEE TIL railrodes, They're a
persecutin' av u.s. Come to me arrums,
seq tn Smut, Well investigate, SEE TIL
2, Smut. We'll investigate TIL constitooshun
{ a.Alrrust an see if theys not something in ut
y IS will kape US frum doin' anything atall
= atall Eff we can't make it that way we'll
investigate farther In tn hrrust place
an above all things we will consarve tn
hivin borrun roights av TIL railrodes to be
Robin tn peepul. Take this away from
thin an where are the profits? Wather
wud become an unwholesome drug on
the stock-market, an We'll not stan fer ut
we'll not be gvin TIL roights av tn raile-
rodes into tn hans av TIL politishuns,
all av which are known to be currupt?'
SEE they"
"The Smut investigates; accordin' to
tn papers theyse at it yet. Howiver,
they hav relaved tn ginral anxiety by an
nouncin' their indins in advance "
81
testimony av amy number av ralerode
Prisdints, that rates ARE reasonable.
Second, that there are no discrimin-
ashuns.
Third, that til railrodes could not pay
divdens on wathered stock as they are now
doin' if only reasonable rates wuz charged
Fourth, That tn egsistin discrimina.
shuns are forced upon tn poor railrodes
| by tn shippers. TIL farmers comes tc
tn railrode prisdint an he sez, SEE he
'Shure, an hav two hoogs to be shippin
ann me naybor hez but wan, give me {
raybate or DIN be after attn me hcog:
instid av shippin thin What, can E
poor man with nothin' but tn roo
av privat car over his head do undhel
such circumstances?
Fifth, We find that thu only min wha
knows anything about railroding is tn
Smut av tn United States an tn Pris
dints aforesed.
Sixth That only TIL Smut aforesed an
prisdints aforesed are gintlemin. Tha
none but gintlemin will be allowed to ties
tify afore tn cummity.
Seventh, That we propose givin' til
pepul relate by lawn things ez thay are
Eighth, that tn Gulf porruts, whative
they may be. must be protected again No
Yorruk.
Ninth, That Moo Yorruk must be pro
ticted again tn aforesed Gulf porruts
Such protection can only be had by giviu
til railrodes pow'r TO do ez they
please.