The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-09-20

"well. my friend" the genial Chaun.
cey asked, what did you think Of my
s%peech?"
The editor hesitated a moment before
he inquired solenlnly, Are you the
genuine Cllauncey NJ. Depew?"
..Certainly. Do you doubt it,"
Again the editor hesitated. He re.
par,,ed the speaker as if he were sizing
him up and asked, "Are you the man
all the newspapers have been saying
is the finest speaker. the greatest talk
er, the sharpest stumper and the
brightest wit before the public:"
repew modestly blushed at this ar
ray Of compliments, but replied. II
guess I am lie, but why do you asks"
"Oh, because IL can't believe every
thing the newspapers say"
And Depew made haste to shake
hands with the editor and call it square.
Sousa's Ham Story.
Randmaster Sousa can always cap
an improbable story with Il bigger M
After listening to an extraordinary
yarn about some mans appetite lie
told the following. which he attributed
to a southern negro:
"Down On our faLm we've got a man
by lie name o Jim. Now, Jim's de
champion ham eater Of all de country
roun'. Unc' Henry he'd cha'ge O dc
fahin. m ev'ybody 'spected inc
Henry. an when Unc' Henry tor any
o. us to do anythin' we JUS done it
'ithout stoppin' to ask any questions,
cause we had confidence in him. We
knowed he wouldn't ever tell us to do
anythin' dat we hadn't orter.
But dat JIMMY, folks come f'om
all de country DUN ies' to see Jim eat
ham. fO' de way he could tuck ham
away was amazin'-it suttinly was.
How you would laugh to see Jim Asset
tin by de fence IL day a-eatin' one
han after another like ez eff dey was
cakes or biscuits! Twas 'ez easy to
him as pickin' teeth, an he'd got down
eight hams. an de ninth was Il fol
lerin', but l reckon it wuz f'om Il mid
dim Old hawg, for some gris'le got in
his throat an choked him an stopped
his breath, sc we wuz afeared dat we
wuz a-goin' to lose Jim.
But up got Inc Henry sort O. easy
like, an he went over to de fence. an
he TUX Il slab. an he walk t'ward Jim,
an he SEE, Jim. git down on all fours!'
Dat slab looked mighty big. it did, an
right in front O Jim was a big pile o
stones, but Jim had confidence in inc
Henry, SO he got down on all tours
an waited. a lie gris'le in his throat.
why. dat waited too. An inc Henry
paEted Jim's coat tails an h'istel de
slab an fetched it down wild a mighty
swish an give Jim a hit, an Jim went
head first OH to dat pile O stones, but
he had confidence in inc Henry, so
he knowed he wouldn't be knocked
through de stones, but would stop ez
o ez he hit 'em. An when he struck
dem stones dat piece O gris'le lowed it
had bizness sOmewllar else. An Jim
riz up an hollered. Gimme anudder
ham,"
Buffalo Bills Yam.
One evening Colonel Cody told this
story to two or three friends with
whom he was spending the evening.
When he was General Sheridan's chief
Of scouts there was "a little affair"
in camp at which every n present got
we'll filled up but Cody. He had deter
mined to keep sober and succeeded.
Toward morning he went to the cot
tage where he lived, raped on the
window and made himself known, and
his wife. who refused to open the door.
said:
"Go away, whoever you are. Colonel
Cody isn't home yet" At this point Of
the story Cody laughed and continued:
Boys, I'd gone home sober, and my
wife didn't know me! I went back to
the camp, got as full as any n else.
returned to my house, approached the
door unsteadily, fumbled the latch, and
my wife's voice greeted me. saying:
"'Is that you. Willie?"
lrung's observation-disclosures.
Sir Henry Irving can turn even his
peculiarities to account in story telling.
Like any other mar Of affairs, he bad
sudden and long periods of absent
mindedness. One day while we We're
driving together he turned to me and
said:
Marshall. l have Il story you can
add to your repertory-a very quaint
one.'' Then he went into deep thought
and we had gone fully Il block before
he spoke again. Then he said:
"And you know
Then we went another block, then
farther, but suddenly he asked:
Now. wasn't that droll:" 1t certain.
ly was. no matter what it was, il he
said so. but he still owes me the story
for he had told it only to himself.
General Miles is loaded to the muzzlt
with good stories. Here are some tha1
he gave me one day in quick success
sion:
Two bv General Miles.