davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Los Angeles herald., 1905-11-12

TT is an age of diSillusion. One by one
our ideals which have become idols
are torn from us by the ruthless
and relentless hand of scientific dis
covery. Science has discovered that no
one knows enough to go in out of the
rain until he is 30, and then proved that
all of us should be chloroformed by the
time we are 10. 1t has discovered that
man must eat to live, and then proved
that there is no food he can eat and
live. 1t has discovered that there is
nothing new under the sun, and then,
with new tangled telescopes, proved
that there is nothing new above it
either.
All these things we have borne with
patience, because there was nothing
else to do, consoling ourselves mean
while that we might still have our joke
But now even that boon is taken from
us, and what is worse, it is shown that
as matter of fact, we never really did
have, our joke-it was always some ebody
else's. Science again! 1t is discovered
that there have been only thirteen
original jokes and proved that all the
rest are merely variations of these fate
full thirteen.
In the present instance science pro-
notes its publicity through the me-
N
English author. 1t is he, traitor to his
craft, as no doubt some of the more
serious humorists will declare him, who
has automatically Informed us that our
Well beloved funny men are no more
than set of antiquarians, who merely
burrow and borrow from the ancients
for the quig and wheeze which fall
from tongue or pen with so much
junction. Now we know why all our
humorists have such a melancholy air
in telling their jokes 1t is conscience.
Only Thirteen
Scarcely had Mr.. Jerome set foot
upon the wharf which juts out from
our hospitable shores than he broke
the sad news to the awaiting group of
o men, reporters, representatives and
commissioners (the titles being regu-
lated by the newspapers employing
them), of the daily press. without
wasting time i'm detailing the arduous
labors or research necessary to make
the discovery, he plunged at once into
an announcement of its result.
"A scientist has discovered" said Mr..
Jerome, that there are only thirteen
original jokes. There are thirtv-five
variations of each of these jokes, and in
turn you may have tl.irty-three Varia .
tions of each Variated specimen. The
longevity OF jokes has long had the
admiration (and sometimes other
things) of all men, but 1t has remained
for science to show their numerical
strength, or perhaps l should say
weakness"
That was all. No ceremonies. no
Los Angeles herald., 1905-11-12
SIDE OF THINGS
Tristesse

If you were not away,
These trees, this south wind and this
dreary day
Would all be mad with joyous ecstasy,
But you are gone, so, mourning, they
with me
Find bitter sweet in idle fantasy.
How glad, how mad, how gay
If you were not away!
Thomas S. Jones, jr, in Lippincott's.
Los Angeles herald., 1905-11-12
The Naked Umbrella

Dorothy is a sweet little maid of
two and a half. Her father never
carries a cane, and when a caller came
in with one one day, she was observed
standing before it rapt in contempla-
ton. well, Dorothy" said her
mother, whats that?" Dorothy looked
up with a puzzled expression. "Um-
bwella wvout any clothes on" said
she.-Lippincott's Magazine.
Los Angeles herald., 1905-11-12

She-FatheF's company m0ds three en-.
gines last week
He-That's nothin. l made = train iT
tve minutes the other day.a
Los Angeles herald., 1905-11-12
HIS TIP.

Porter-Don't get or tip, sahT
Mr.. Wise - Yes; keep out or wan
street.
Los Angeles herald., 1905-11-12
The Love Variety

8. Love variety. (Orign obscGre)
Brown--LoVe is blind.
Green-The neighbors anti
6, Woman variety. Origin sup,
posed to be with Adam. but no positiv,
proof)
Los Angeles herald., 1905-11-12
Back to Jerome

But Mr.. AIDE was not TO have the last
word. That lay with Mr. jerome, who,
after first barring the secrets of the
jokesmith's trade TO the worlds eve,
promptly set about to destroy it en-
tirely. When told that Mr.. AIDE had
edited the list of the fateful thirteen
and left but four. Mr.. Jerome went
The independent. [volume] (Lincoln, Neb.) 1902-1907, 1905-04-06
A DisreputabIe Plan

On behalf of the physicians of the
state, The Independent wishes to say
that no man of character and standing
among them had anything to do with
the disreputable business in legislature
attacking the osteopaths and Christian
scientists. In fact, the physicians of
learning and commanding character all
expressed their disapproval of the
whole thing. The hypocrisy of the
thing was so glazing that it was dis
gushing. A few doctors who could not
command enough of the confidence of
the people to make a living, undertook
to form trust by legal enactment for
their own benefit, while claiming that
it was all for the benefit Of the pub
lie. If these doctors had not expected
to make money out Of the passage Of
the law It would never have been in
The independent. [volume] (Lincoln, Neb.) 1902-1907, 1905-04-06

of Europe pOairs in an ever increasing
stream. The immigration figures for
last month are unprecedented. The to-
tai number Of immigrants landing on
our shores in the four weeks OF Feb
ruary was 67,717. This is an increase
of AZ per cent over February, 1908,
that being the previous year OF great
est immigration, though it is clearly to
be far outstripped by the record OF the
present year. In the last six months,
the immigration figures for which are
so per cent larger than for any similar
period, the immigration from Russia
has been S4,766.
Did ever one of these labor unionists
who votes the trust and protection tick
ct stop for one moment to reflect, that
with the modern means Of transporta-
ton, any 'pauper laborer" who can by
any means gather few dollars, even
il he lives in the most inaccessible
regions of Europe, can in a few days
plant himself at any industrial center
in America, and put his pauper labor
in direct competition with the so
called protected labor of the United
States? Is it possible that the claim
of the protected manufacturers that
labor is also protected, will always be
believed? Or will the wage earners of
the country some time come to the
consciousness y. the fact that they
The independent. [volume] (Lincoln, Neb.) 1902-1907, 1905-04-06

have no protection at all, while a tar
if makes it possible for the manufac-
turer to charge them twice as much
for goods as he does the foreigner re-
siding in another country? Why don't
the wage worker, instead of devoting
his energies to being Irregular" and
voting 'er straight take a day off and
try to figure out where his protection
comes in? 4s
The independent. [volume] (Lincoln, Neb.) 1902-1907, 1905-04-06

troduced in the legislature. Every one
knows that.
The legislature could rightfully go on
further in regard to the various schools
of healing than to pass law punish
ing deception. No man has right to
present himself to the public as a
healer under false pretenses. If a man
pretends to be regular physician and
has never passed an examination on
the prescribed studies which all the
public understand is what qualities him
for the work, he is fraud and ought
to be punished. That kind of law
is right and proper. Such law should
apply to every school of healers. That
is all that the state can rightfully do.
1t can not enter the home and tell the
family what sort Of healer it shall
employ. 1t can not destroy the indi-
vidual liberty of the citizen and force
him to take medicine or refuse to take
medicine. The doctor who wants such
law as that had better go to China
and get diploma from Tsi An.
The independent. [volume] (Lincoln, Neb.) 1902-1907, 1905-04-06

OF all things on earth the modern
Judge is the most contemplate. Con-
gress, the state legislatures and city
councils enact laws and then the
judges interpret" them. There is
where they get in their contemplate
work. No one, not even lawyer,
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28
OUTBREAK AT PENTTENTIARY
COnvictS Mutined and Shot
Their Guards-FOur of the Men Es-

Jefferson City. Mo-, November III
Eight or ten convicts at the state
p%enitentiary suddenly mutinied this af-
ternoon, and shot Guards Barney Ell
lis and Charles Clay, killins them in
stantly. The ~suddenness of the out
break temporarily paralyzed prison
discipline and before any attempt to
subdue The cOnviCts coul. be made the
mutinrers had exploded dynamite MI
der the prison gate leading out into
the public street.
Deputy Warden Set fell probably
mortally wounded by 4 bulie;. Prison
o~ficials succeeded in preventing the
escape Of all but four Of the Ccnvicts
These four gained the street, sprang
into a passing wagon, knocked the
driver from the seat and then mirac-
uloIsly escaping Il fusillade Of bullets,
dashed the horses into full speed right
through the residence portion of JET
ferson City.
Officers from the p~enitentiary, arm
ed with Winchester rifles, pursued n
at the edge of town, overlook the
escaping desperadoes. A battle en-
sued, and three of the convicts were
shot dead, the fourth escaping into the
heavily wooded country. Posses form
ed Immediately and began a search
through the woods, determined to take
the convict dead or alive.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28
the disorder has been extremely annoy

the disorder has been extremely annoy
ing to the mill owners.
Your correspondent ana his guests.
the state officers, had a splendid day
of it Yesterday on the annual rabbit
hunt. 2..l although the number of
rabbits Jagged vas moi as large as
usual there was never more amuSe-
.ment +" p better dinner. Governor
.Eic"" 1"""ni himself a capital shot at
both rabbits and cartridges, in fact an
all arn"f1~:p Crtsman and good fellow.
The party had two regrets, one that
President Roosevelt was not with it
and that for the first time, Commits
|siOner of Agriculture Patterson miss
ed the hunt. The latter loves the rab-
bits and they love him for the simple
as the other. In the party yesterday
was Mr.. Henry Clay Brown, the clerk
to the corporation commission, who
took his first holiday since the COM
mission was formed in 1891. All the
commissioners are delighted that Mr..
Brown took this rest. State Treasurer
Lacy was the life and soul Of the party,
of course. and his big cowboy hat, the
pride of Arizona. was shot full of holes
by the governor. this costing Mr.. Lacy
money. as he had bantered the govern
Or and made an offer Of % cents per
hole. 1t was a great day, and liz
everybody good.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28
BRAVERY OF 4 LIFE SAVER
Hcroism of Robert Smith Causes Res
cue of Men and Women From the
Wrecked Steamer Argo.

Holland. Mich, Noevmber "a
Wherever the story is told Of the
wreck Of the passenger steamer Argu,
from Chicago, which struck a sand bar
today, while attempting { o enter this
harbOr i'll the early hours OF the morn
ing. the name of Life Saver Robert
Smith will he held in veneration. The
life saving crew had labored hours In
futile attempts to reach the stranded
ship. Men and women passengers and
the crew stood helplessly at the end Of
the line, not knowing how to manipu-
late the brooches buoy that would
carry them q feet over the slender
line of safety ashore. Then IL was
that Robert Smith, about his body a
line thrown from the wreck, swan to
the struggling lifeboat and was drag
ged through the foaming waves TO the
deck of the Argo, sending ashore first
the four ome passengers and a lit
tie girl and then one after another the
other passengers and those of the crew
who had not chosen to remain with
Captain John Stewart on board.
twenty-five passengers and fin Of
the crew were hauled ashore. but Cap
tam 'Chh " WIN " Bitht' ihih
Der of the crew refused to desert their
ship. This evening they were still OH
board. the breeches buoy being kept In
readiness for their rescue, the moment
the ship should begin TO show signs of
going TO pieces.
Representatives Of the Graham and
Morton Steamer Line assert that their
steamer in trying to a the harbor
struck Il shoal, losing her Roadway was
tossed helplessly against the north
pier. During the day She worked
northward along the beach lying to-
night 1900 feet north Of the piers and
within 900 feet of the shore.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28

New York. November 2i.-Brad-
street tomorrow will say:
Mild weather favors in a high degree
the unprecedented activity in all indus
trials lines but ~unfavorably affects re-
tail trade in wearing apparel and re-
tards collections which also feel the
adverse influence Of the countrywide
freight congestion. Evidently. I'm an
effort To avoid trouble from this latter
source holiday trade at wholesale Is
active beyond all proceeding years.
In wholesale and jobbing lines the
backwardness of retail trade is reflect
ed in slower recorder trade han ex-
pecteG. but confidence in the general
outlook is Evidenced by the liberal or
ders reported for spring goods. Perhaps
the most marked evidence Of coaf-
cenee in the future is found In the
re' markets. which display a
s~tren.ff. of demand and OF prices not
usual % this season. Railway earn
ings sh - further expansion, the gain
for fl,e hplf 0f November being
about 0 per cent.
Brs'ress failures for the week num-
Der 22i against ig3 in 1904.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28
CABINET WILL NOT RESIGN
Members Decide to Dissolve Parlia-
ment Themselves and Appeal to the
Electorate.

London, November 24-At today's
meeting of the cabinet which was at
tended by all the ministers, it is I'M
derstood that the proposal for the col
1ective resignation Of the cabinet was
rejected and that the ministers arrived
at the decision that it would be better
to dissolve parliament themselves, and
appeal to the electorate.
1t is officially intimated that no
statement regarding the decision of the
cabinet will be issued by the ministers,
but the fact that Mr.. Balfour leaves
London tonight until Monday and the
additional fact that he is not going to
Sandringham to see the King is taken
as confirmation of the understanding
that the premier and his colleagues
have decided against a preeipitate res
ignatiOn.
All doubt as to whether or not the
marquis of Londonderry had consented
to resign in the cabinet was dispelled
by a statement from the minister him
self to the effect that he had not re-
signed.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28
SHOOTING IN FAYETTEVILLE
One Negro Desperately Wounds An
Observation-Disclosures at Summer
Time"-Received His License-A
Handsome Dividend - Personal
Notes
Especial to The Messenger

tOpCCldi W Inc AlcSScl6cI.J
Fayetteville, November 24.-Just be
fore dark yesterday evening people
ON the streets were startled by three
rapid pistol shots on the east front
of the Hotel lafayette building on
Donaldson street, and two negroes
were seen tcgether-one Matthew
Howe, down on the ground, and the
other, David Montague, beating him
owe the head with a revolver. 'Fhe
latter then turned, and walked daiiD-
erately out of Donaldson into Hay
street. That's the mani" cried Mr..
w. E. Kinol1ey, dry goods merchant
on the corner of Hay and Anderson
streets. II saw him shoot" running
up, and laying hands on Montague.
Yes" said the negro, calmly, 81 am
the man; | shot him, and want to
be arrested; he ruined by sister" AT
that Chief of Police Flowers
and Officer Buckingham took Monta-
que into CUSTODY. DR.. H. w. Lily.
who was standing in front of Gorham's
music store. walked over and put out
the burning shirt of the wounded man,
so close were the two together at he
lllHS VI TIE Hills III "A -. hOoC-
city physician, then arrived, made an
examination, an ambulance was sum-
moned. and Howe was carried to he
colored Cochran Annex of the High
smith hospital. lis wounds are seri-
GUS, and his recovery is doubtful.
This Afternoon at Summer Time,
mis- hospitable country home, Hon.
J. G. Shaw will entertain the bench,
bar, ali the ministers, and all the
physicians of the city and county. A
prominent feature of the feast will DC
barbecue of pig, 'possum, squirrel and
quail.
The section about Autryville. east
of this city, is suffering so seriously
from drought that it is difficult to get
enough water for stock.
Last evening Misses Stella and Alta
Maultsby pleasantly entertained a
number of friends, complimentary. to-
Miss Lena Pitman. of Tarboro.
Mr.. !. S. Hall, of Mcclellan drug
store on Market Square, passed with
honor MS examination before the state
board of pharmacy.
The Bank of Fayetteville has de-
clared a dividend of II II per cent.
payable December LIST
The Cross Creek Building and Loan
Association, DR.. H. w. Lilly president.
and Sheriff F Fl. Stedman. of New
Hanover, secretary and treasurer,
though only a few months old. has
$3.50, 900 paid up stock, and in this
short time has loaned over $4,000.
wholly on real estate.
Mrs. Herbert Lutterloh Is in VII
mington, her sister. Miss Saliie McRoe,
taking a leading part in the "Madcap
Princess"
Mr.. T. d. Love, of Wilmington, was
here yesterday on business.
Mr.. J. D.>PopiIn, of Goldsboro, visit
ed Fayetteville Yesterday.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28
ENGLAND WILL TAKE PART
Accepts Invitation to Participate i'm the
Exposition at Jamestown.

London. Nov. 24-Foreign Sec
tary Larsdowne, in behalf of Great
Britain has accepted President Roos-
evelt's invitation to participate in the
naval and military displays on the
occasion of the jamestown, Va, expo
sition in 1907.
Harry st. George Tucker, president
of the jamestown Exposition Compa-
ny, had an interview with Lord Lans-
downe today, when he was informed
that the invitation had been accepted
and that the details would be arrang-
ed by the admiralty and war offices In
conference with Mr.. Tucker.
Mr.. Tucker h:s also been invited 10
meet the archbishop of Canterbury
December % to discuss the proposal
for a joint meeting of the Episcopal
churches of England and America at
jamestown in 1907.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28
NEW PRESIDENT OF MERCER
DIR. Charles Ire Smith Inaugurated as
Head Of This Georgia University.

Macon. Ga. November 24-Dr.
Charles Lee Smith vas tonight formal
" inaucrfrated president OF Mercer
V with exercises al which
many - the leading educational in
stf:utiors II the country were repre-
Serf@f
nor Terrell. OF Georgia. deIfv-
ere 4 ( dress. as chief executive OF
the Re.
Oh nceflor Walter r. Hill. of the
University OF Georgia spoke as repre-
sentative OF the schools Of the state.
After short talks by Ex-Governor
representing the alumni OF
Mercer. Judge Emery Speer and Pro-
fessor W. H. Fitzpatrick for the Uni
versity. and John q. Mccall. for the
board OF trustees. President Smith de-
his inaugural address This
was followed by the COMMENTATORS
address by President Ira Remsen. OF
Johns HOPKINS UNIVERSITY.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28
Mr.. Holderman Enters Race for the
Senate.

Louisville November 24.-The Cour-
Ter Journal will tomorrow informing
print the forma, announcement Of the
entry of w. r. Haldenan, editor Of
the Louisville Times, into the race
for the seat in the United States Sen
ate now held by j. c. s. Blackburn.
The announcement is In the form of
a letter addressed to the Democratic
members of tie legislature from the
Fifth Congressional district in res2onss
to their request that he become a can
didate. In the letter Mr.. Haldeman
says he represents no faction in fhe
Democratic party and comes as a mes
senger of peace and good viii, OF har-
mony and unit. in the party. The
legislature VIII. elect Mr.. Blackburn's
successor early in January.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28
PROSECUTION ENDS
Progress Of Trial Of Midshiu-'
man MeIiWether +;
TWO EXCITING INCIDENTS
Rear Admiral Mccormick Challenged by
the Judge Advocate

Hearing the Grounds for tho
Challenge, Admiral Ramsey An
nounced That it Had Not Been Sis
tained-Secrctary of the Navy VIII
be Requested to Order That the
Body OF MidshiDment Branch be Ex-
humcd and an Autopsy Held-Start.
II Incident Occurred During the
Cross Examination of DIR. Stone.
" Witnesses for the Defense En-
aEeincd.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28

Painter-"What model are you. go
ing to get to pose for your statue of
Fallen G~reatness?" Sculptor-"Hav-
emit decided yet whether it'll be a life
insurance president or political boss"
Detroit Free Press
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28

whats de oil deacon doin':- Pray
in fer a Thanksgivin' Turkey"
Reckon he'll get itE' well it's cor
din ter how high de turkey roosts."-
Atlanta Constitution.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1905-11-28

Mr.. C. Ed Taylor. of Southport.
spent yesterday in the city.
The Southern farm gazette. (Starkville, Miss.) 1895-1909, 1905-08-15
Special Notice.

Ny retiring from the cdi-
OF the Gazette nee
c>>itatc> that mail intended for
this paper should hc address
"a 10 SOUTHERN FARM Ga
/EIIE and not Ia ne person
ally. in order 10 avoid DELAYS.
q. II. AFFORD.
The Southern farm gazette. (Starkville, Miss.) 1895-1909, 1905-08-15

difference in conditions, which
may make it clear 10 the think
ing man that one breed Of dairy
cattle may be best under some
conditions, while under other
circumstances another breed
will &c better.
Mr.. X. NJ. Cow in the article
headed "World's Fair Champion
Cow shows that under the con-
dlttons existing at the great fair
the Jersey COW produced the
best results, with very small
margin. Now, il is our claim
that for intensive feeding and
care the Jersey gives the best
results. Bred on the Isle Of
Jersey; fed on the most nutri-
,ious foods; groomcd and cared
for like one OF the family;
pastured on the mountain sides,
where the grass, scantv and
short but very nu,ri,,ous. must
DC picked from among the rocks.
a type has been developed suited
10 such conditions.
On the other hand. the Ilo'-
stein hrcd op the IA, n,rsbr
The Southern farm gazette. (Starkville, Miss.) 1895-1909, 1905-08-15
Agents.

We want "A good agent for this
paper in every nciehborhood in
this State. We want an agent
10 solicit advertising and sub.
s,riptlons and also 10 collect.
We want a permanent agent.
Write Us Tor particulars.
The Southern farm gazette. (Starkville, Miss.) 1895-1909, 1905-08-15
StarkViIe Hen Men

Tbo S,,rL.1l, MI p,,,,
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is members 10 ,,Lc, ,.r;.
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town. :, N;..;.;,,; Nth
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INV
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The Southern farm gazette. (Starkville, Miss.) 1895-1909, 1905-08-15
Room for All

". +. ga m. i'rsuaon. Aissa.
Idaho County free press. [volume] (Grangeville, Idaho Territory) 1886-current, 1905-10-05
Stringlng New Wire.

The electric light company has
been busy for some time past
stripging new and heavier wire
from their plant on the Clearwater
to town. The rapid growth Of
their business made the change
desirable as less than half the loss
in transmission will be experienced
with the new wire. Many people
are learning that electric lights are
not only much better bus consider
| ing the lesser danger Of fire are
really cheaper. Jacob Schwalbach
will soon have in a lO0-horse power
electric motor and with other new
business the company finds il
worth while to save what has here
tofore been lost in transmission