davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
4 Comedians Joke.

A celebrated Irish comedian went in
to Il BARRIERS shop 10 get shaved and,
finding the barber ont, lie determined
to have a little fun before his return.
So he took off his coat, put on thin
ner one and quietly waited for a Gus
toner. An old gentleman came In soon.
Shave, sir" said our pretended bar
Der.
The old gentleman took chair and
the comedian boga- 10 lather. expect
ing every moment the barber would
appear Five minutes passed and no
barber. Five more and still no barber.
The joker began to get desperate and
conceived a bright >idea. Putting up
his brush he quickly changed his coat
again, took his hat, and was about to
quietly step out behind the gentle
mans back when that worthy turned
his head and exclaimed:
Here, sir. aren't you going to shave
me"
mo, SIR" promptly replied the CO
median. The fact is, we only lather
here. sir. They shave four doors be
low"
Then he bOlted out of the door, leay-
ing the indignant old fellow to his
wrath.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
ITfrsf RnnIr Auction.

Speaking of auctions and auctioneers,
book dealer says: The first book
auction in England Of which we have
any record is of a date as far back as
1876, when the library Of DR.. Seaman
was brought to the hammer. Prefxed
to the catalogue there is al address
which thus begins: Reader. il hath not
been usual here in England 10 make
sale of books by way Of auction. or
who will give the most for them; but.
it having been practiced in other coun-
tries to the advantage Of both buyers
and sellers. it was therefore conceived
for the encouragement Of learning 10
publish the sale Of these books in this
manner of way"
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
The Doctors Twins.

A worthy Glasgow doctor while en-
joying a holiday in Arran took the Op.
portunity along with a friend to 60
whiting fishing. During operations the
doctors sinker came off and was lost.
Here was Il dilemma. No sinker, nc
more fishing that day. Ha. Happy
thought! His flask. No sooner said
than done The bottle was filed with
salt water. carefully cOrked and sent
down on its mission.
After a few minutes interval, "Ha,
quoth the doctor, "a bite" And up he
pulls at racing speed fine pair of
whiting, one on each hook.
"Ha. doctor, twins this tme.' eX-
claimed his companion.
"Yes." quoth the doctor, land
brought up on the bottle too."-London
Globe.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
A Dreaded Quilt.

Queen Victoria was an expert and in
defatigable knitter. During the Egyp-
tian campaign she and the ladies Of the
household employed themselves in
knitting quilts, which at the end Of
the war were sent TO Netley hospital
for the use Of the wounded. One Of
these. made entirely by her majesty
and bearing an elaborate Y. r. in the
center. was the coverlet par excellence
OF the institution and in universal de
mand for q time. In assessing the
claims of the candidates for the honor
Of sleeping upon it the medical staff
naturally gave the precedence to the
most severely wounded. and as the
most severely wounded was the one
most likely to die very soon. alas, an
evil omen attached itself TO the distinc-
ton. the climax Of which was reach
ed one night when a poor soldier, feel
ing something touching his bedclothes.
woke up with perspiration pouring
down his face and cried out. "Oh. sir.
do anything you like with NE, but for
Gods sake don't give me the quilt.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
The Misuse of Quite"

"Quite" strictly means completely
and is rightly used in such sentences
as "The flower is quite faded" Its
secondary meaning, very" Ito great
extent" has the authority OF good writ
ers. though such expressions rs quite
young" ana quite hot have Il colo
Quial ring about them. There is. how
ever springing up of late the slovenly
practice of employing the adyerb
quite" with nOun-e. e. quite a
panic enSued." If an adverb can mod
lfy Il noun. where is the distinction be-
tween adverb and adjective? As Il
matter of fact. the functions OF the ad-
verb seem To be encroaching on those
of the adjectiye.-LoAdon Eev.eT.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Gentle Hint to Restaurant Patrons.

The necessity of tipping with Law
ish hand is strongly enforced in a res
taurant near the station at POmpeii.
In a prominent position IS placed a
gaudily framed sketch Of the interior
Of the dining room, with two clients
taking their departure. One Of them,
cowed looking individual, is strug-
Cling into his overcoat, while two
walters stand near him, the one smil-
ing derisively at the other. who dis
plays a tiny coin with Il gesture of
fierce contempt. On the opposite side
of the room guest is seen surrounded
by three walters, one helping him with
his coat, another brushing his hat, the
third bowling Obsequiously and holding
his walking stick.
The moral is obvious, but allowance
is made for the proverbial obtuseness
Of northern nations, and underneath
the picture is inscribed in large letters,
"The Results Of BeneyOience. e.'-LondOn
Chronicle
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Old NrifisL Drinks.

Mead, made Of honey, water ana
spices: bragget. molat and pigment.
variants, were very early drinks In
England.
Currant wine. eldcrberry. gOoseberry
mulberry. ounce, plum and apricot
wine are old fashioned varieties. Pars-
nips and turnips produce very pow
erful village brandy.
Cowslip and rhubarb wine are very
different, the former weak and the lat
ter very heady.
Fir tree tops. green nettle tops, birch
and beech sap. bog myrtle, heather-all
produced liquors. And did not n New
England rhyme. meant to encourage
the patriotic boycott on British goods.
run:
We can make liquor to sweeten our lips
From pumpkins and parsnips and walnut
tree chips?
SlOe Gin and rue gin are queer drinks.
NeguS IS sherry. hot water, lemon.
sugar and nutmeg. The London out
look says that Derbyshire women used
TO drink in secret "fcrOciOusly intoXi-
eating potion made ont OF the poison
Gus foXglove.-N New York World.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Eeyers and Foods.

In typhoid fever the intestlnes are
the seat Of the trouble, aud all solid
foods should be debarred. Here nutri-
tious broths and liquids are needed,
but no meat should be given until the
temperature has been normal for sew
eral days. In scarlet fever avoid all
nitrogenous foods, because the kidneys
and skin are congested, and those are
the organs that excrete nitrogen. Their
work should be lessened, not increased.
For this reason any Of the legumes,
beans, peas or lentils should not be
used. Broth made from them would be
most disastrous, while beef or mutton
broth. which is less nutritious, can be
readily assimilated.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27

The custom of pairing is quite un-
known to the forms of parliament IL
self. Any mention of il within either
chamber would be altogether out OK
order, but there is a pleasant tiction
that it is a purely private arrangement
to be made at the discretion of those
concerned. This is true enough to a
limited extent and for a short time'
but pairing on any great party division
cannot be lightly carried out and a
member who desires to pair Mt such a
time will find that this can only be
done safely through the whips and not
at all unless some really good reason
can be given for absence. - London
Times.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
To "yIaIxe No BODes."

The phrase to make no bones,
which is in such common use. may be
generally explained as implying that
something is done readily and with no
such impediment as a bone might be
to one who was eating food. 1t has
been explained to be modification of
an older phrase to find no bones.
which seems 10 have had reference TO
bones found in soup and hindrances TO
the consumer. Some folk not only
find but make difficulties and him
ORANGES. at which they are content to
stick. In Skeletons "Elynour Rum
myng," 1929, the lady so readily be-
lieved the story that She
Supped it up at ones (once),
She found therein no bones.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27

The Hollanders are not fond of lazy
people. and they have a very good way
Of curing persons who can but won't
work. If pauper who is able TO work
refuses TO do 50 they put him in els
tern. to which Il pump is attached, and
turn on a stream Of water The stream
flows into the cistern just slow enough
to enable the lazy person by lively
pumping to keep the water from get
ling up over his head.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Wedding Anniversaries.

According to the tradition of ages,
there are fourteen wedding anniyerSa-
ries to be celebrated. These are: First
year. cotton: second year. paper; third
year. leather: fifth year. wooden; sew
enth year. WOODEN; tenth year. tin;
twelfth year, silk and fine linen; hf-
teenth year, crystal; twentieth year,
china; twenty-fifth year, silver; thir-
tieth year, pearl fortieth year. ruby;
fiftieth year, golden; seventy-ffth year
diamond.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
English SuperstttfGus.

At Dawlish, in Devonshire, England.
they ring the church bell during a
thunderstorm to scare away the light
ming. Lancashire agricultural labor
ers credit certain OF their fellows with
power to cast good and evil spells. AT
Dunstable men carry live snail IN
pill box to ward off toothache, eat
stewed earthworms as a cure for jaun-
dice and fried mouse for whooping
cough and cherish all the old supersti-
tions as TO the dead which made Mer-
rie England sad.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
A Good Blower.

A worthy dame of Dundee, Scotland,
in order to keep down her gas account
was in the habit of blowing down the
pipes, thus reversing the hands of the
registering dial OF the meter All went
we'll until Il new inspector came. After
examining the meter he ciphered long
and earnestly. At length the old lady
anxlously exclaimed. Am no tae hae
a big accOont this time. am r. 'NO,
men, said the inspector. ITS the
other way aboot. The company's OWN
you tuppence. You have surely been
blawing vera hard this time"
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27

The father Of NJ. Casimlr- -Perier call
ed on CorOt one day and found him in
the act Of finishing a picture. "A
masterpiecew exclaimed the visitor. IL
must have It,"
1T is yours" promptly replied Corot,
"if you will agree to pay the butcher
and baker bills Of my illustrious but
poor friend. Jean Francois Millet."
Agreed" said the patron. well pleas
ed. The bills were presented to him,
and they amounted to nearly $4,000
neither butcher nor baker having been
paid for twelve years.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Enrestry Reserves.

The first forestry reserves were made
for the general object of preserving the
forest and without specific relation to
the great problem for which later they
were to provide the only solution. Now
they are seen to stand at the center OF
public land policy of the nation, for
out Of them come the wood and the wa
ter and the grass which are indispensa-
bic for the founding Of homes.-Gifford
PinchOt
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27

have heard Carlyle pour forth n
continuous stream of impassioned dec
lamation for more than an hour at a
time, and so keen were his charac-
terlzations. so felicitous his arrow
shots of criticism. so rich his satire, so
intense his patriotic sympathy with
all that belonged to national life and
character, that no listener could wish
the wonderful utterance to cease
"Retrospects.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Too MucL maGinn q on.

Pity the man or woman devoid OF i'm
agination, but he or she who allows
the Imagination too great liberty be-
comes its subject rather than its mas
ter. The man who wears Il rubber
on the pedal attachment to his cork
leg because the cork foot aches with
out the rubber is as unfortunate vic
tim as the Scotchman who tainted on
account of the heat in church the first
Sunday after stoves were set up, al
though fire had not been lighted in
any Of them.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
The Mechanism of the Salmon.

A salmon is marvelOusly adapted to
the conditions amid which ii lives. 1t
can cleave through tons Of water fall
ing perpendicularly. yet its fins and
its tail, which seem to hold the pro-
pelling power, are not less fragile than
the wings Of bat. 1t can be killed
without injury to its contour, and a
plaster cast Of it can be made, yet no
mechanism can devise an instrument
which will lie in the water and move
as it does, and no theory Of dynamics
has explained either its postures in
the water or It's motion. Simple in
its organization as it seems, its move
ments are as inimitable by any human
contrivance as the fight Of bird has
proved TO be.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Gnnir's OrnnZc Groves.

The Spanish orange region extends
over eastern and southern Catalonia,
Valencia. Alicante. Murcia. Malaga and
Seville. and in parts of Valencia and
Murcia the trees now grow in forests,
the soil OF the famous Nalencian "huer-
ta," lavishly manured with guano, be-
ing the richest in Europe. Here sim
Gle full grown tree will yield 100 and
at times as many rs 1.S0O oranges IN a
season. fruit bearing beginning when
the trees reach their sixth year and in
creasing until they are twenty, when
degeneration usually sets in.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27

Beer barrels are invariably marked
with q series Of crosses, which nova
days denote the quality of the beer con-
tanned I'm the cask These crosses were
originally put on by the monks, who
sAen made all the malt liquors, as a
sort Of trademark. The crosses were
not of the same shape as now shown,
but were more akin TO the shape OF
crucifix and were intended to show
that by "their oath sworn on the cross
the beer supplied was of q fit and
drInkable condition.-London Times.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Re-. er Than a shochorn.

Here is something | learn | from
an Englishmin ! ret While at
friends house" : id a laryer. The
house was in t = suburbs, and we were
occupying the same rom. i)und l
had forgotten TO bring shoehorh ana
asked the Englishman if he had one.
No. | haven't he said. Why don
YOU rsc a towelT a towelF | replied.
yes 4 towel. Here, let me show you.
Take : ccner Of the towel. so; lay the
point Il g., heel of your shoe, so; put
vour 100. in s. far as it will go, right
on top of the towel. Now, grab the
towel and pull up on it. See how easy
vour foot slides in? It's better than
shoehorn.'"
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Surely n Bad Pen.

An Alabama statesman was writing
with a noisy spluttering pen. Laying
the pen down, he smiled and said:
"Once | was spending the evening
with a friend of mine in Selma. We
sat in the dining room, and from the
kitchen came a painful scratching
sound.
Martha said my friend to the
maid. what is that scratching in the
kitchen? 1t must be the dog trying to
get in
HUH said Martha. Oats no
dawg scratchin' de do OATS de cook
a-wrItin' n love letter to her honey
suckle.'"
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Boxed.

They were returning from huSkin9
bee.
"And were there any red ears?" ask
ed the friend.
"Oh, yes" responded the girl in the
gingham dress. II had two when pa
caught that city fellow kissing me-
Kennebec MeD Journal.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Why Babies Look Old.

When we think Of the physical mar
tyrdom the babies go through In the
way OF dress and OF the mental tor
ture they must endure when they OBJ
serve how thoroughly and hopelessly
they are always misunderstood can we
wonder ut the look of age and care that
settles so early OH their infant brows!
Marie Co-elli.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
pafnfuIly Frank.

An individual recently went into
drug store and asked for morphine.
The druggist objected to dispensing 1t
without prescription.
"Why?" asked the customer. do 1
look like a man who would kill him.
selfY'
II don't know" replied the druggist.
.If looked like you should be tempt
cdr
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Do Your share.

A little thought will show you how
vastly your own happiness depends on
the way other people bear themselves
toward you. Turn the idea around ana
remember that jast so much are you
adding TO {. g pleasure or the misery OK
other peoples days. And this is the
half of the matter which you can con-
trol.-George s. Merriam.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
His Idea of n Lady.

An English cabman had brought suit
against a woman for not paying the
legal fare. and his constant remark
was. "She ain't a lady" DO you
know a lady when you see oneT asked
the Judge. II do. yer honor. Last
week lady gave me sov'rin instead
of a shlllin', and called out, Beg par
don, madam, I've got sov'rin instead
Of a shillin',' and she shouts back,
We'll, you old fool, keep the change
and get drunk with 1t! That's wot
calls q lady,
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Real Riches.

"WhO is the richest man in the
world?" asks an exchange and begins
measuring millions against millions.
All wrong. The richest man in the
world is the one that gets the greatest
amount of happiness out of what he
has, whatever it is. 1t is an old truth,
but it was never truer than 1t Is to-
day.-Pueblo (COlo.) Chieftain.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27


People are apt to think that. though
their actual lives are poor and SELF
centered AID such as they are halt
ashamed e, if some great crisis
arose Trey would be able to gather up
their b ding will and raise themselves
to its lc .ht. Yes, 10 doubt. Only
lies sterncst calls IcyC. come in any
such fashion. Things don't arrange
themselves fJr US TO gather up our fee
bic will 9d settle with our souls that
we " @ heroes They come hardly
ari $ rply, testing nos what we have
reso!yt to be, but simply what we are.
We have a sort - fco-ng that 1t Is
the opportunity th't mixes the man.
Not so. The opportunity only shows
him for what he is. and the spirit OF
prompt duty, of quick, instructive loy'
atty to right under whatever tempta'
ton my ever come. may be cultivated
and grow TO he very capacity for her
oism evcl f. !ife's lowliest place and
pooreSt WC.k
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
How Brahmaus Measure Time.

The Brahmans' clocks divide the day
into sixty hours of twenty-fOur min
utes each. called ghurees. Occasionally
a twenty-four minute sand glass is
used. but more commonly a copper
bowl with very small hole in the bot
tom of it, this bowl being placed on
the surface of the water and gradually
filed. If the hole in the bottom is cor
rectly sized the bowl sinks in twenty
four minutes. This registers the dura-
ton Of the gnuree An attendant there
upon empties the basin and strikes the
hour Of the day or night on the gong.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Wnen Lnnnnn Is Silent.

When n very dense fog settled over
the Thames valley Il few Sundays age
and most densely over London it i'm
posed a complete silence on animal lie
London was itself as silent rs the
grave. for all traffic was stopped, and
as OH Sunday traffic Of any kind is re-
duced to Il minimum. the great city
was almost as still as country VII
lage at midnight. The streets and even
the river were almost without a sound
for not single tug was moving on
the Thames. In the country no bird
uttered a sound. They all sat still, 81
lent and moping.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
A Reminder.

Elder Sister-Really, dear, you
mustn't put II remain ever your loving
Nellie Tomkins." You may put Il re-
main your loving Nellie Tomkins' if
you like, but underline the remain"
and the "TomkinS." Fathers been
throwing out hints about the long
courtship. darling.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Nothing Like Leather.

At public sale of books the auction
eer put up Drew's Essay on Souls
which was knocked down to shoe
maker, who very innocently, but to the
great amusement of the crowd, soon
asked If there were any more books on
shOemaking 10 be sold.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
before and After.

Mr. Busybody-Pardon me for men-
tioning it, but isn't your wife a little
rude to you at times? Nr. Henpecked
We'll, it does seem 30 to me. Before
we were married size used to sit on my
knee. Now she SIS all over me.-Som-
erville Journal.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
A an0Daaff0n.

'Tm glad you like your suit" said
the tailor.
"Yes, It's a fine piece Of work" said
Slopay. much pleased. "Its certainly
credit to you"
HIN! I-er-hope you won't forget
kl,at it's a debit to you." ."-Philadelphla
Rresk --------------
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Che Wns II.

He (enthusiasticallyl-I love every
thing that is grand, beautiful, poetic
and lovely. love the peerless. the Sc
rene and the perfect in life. She-How
You must love me, darling. Why did
you not propose before?
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Not IrssnU II

Mr.. Green-Nliss Passay says she has
a prescription for perpetual youth.
Miss Sarcastic-It's a wonder she
wouldn't take it to drug store and
have it put up.-Detroit Free Press.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Tho Tr.Ucdfes of the Stage.

Old Friends your part very diff
cult to play? BarnstOrmer-Well. rath-
er. I'm living on one meal day and
playing the cole OF n man with the
gout.-Detroit Free Press.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
go, ,..,w,,,.hmertr.

Mr.. Hayrake-Well. Susan must be
studyin' art. Mrs. Hayrake - Land
sakes! Mr.. Hayrake-Yes; she says, Il
am writing thh, letter in my drawing
room" Chicago News.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
A Genius.

"Your mother-in-law never pays you
long visit" said one man to another
How is thatT'
"She did once. but I got my mother
TO come on visit at the same time.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Ducal Perainage.

Duke of Bilberry-Where were you
when the king fell off his horse? Duke
Of Hohokus--Oh. was near the
MISUNDERSTANDING Post.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27

A good action is never lost. 1t is
treasure laid up and guarded for the
doer's need.-Calderon.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Rly7,S

The walking sick, what
a crowd of them there are.
| Persons who are thin and
weak but not sick enough
to go to bed.
"ChrOniC cases" that's
what the doctors call them,
which in common English
means---lOng sickness.
To stop the continued
loss of flesh they need
SCOTS Emulsion. For the
feeling of weakness they
need SCOTS Emulsion.
1t makes new flesh and
gives new life to the weak
system.
SCOTS Emulsion gets
thin and weak persons out
| of the rut. 1t makes new,
rich blood, strengthens the
nerves and gives appetite
for ordinary food.
SCOTS Emulsion can be
taken as long as sickness
lasts and do good all the
time.
There's new strength
and flesh in every dose.
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27

N@ Unless the number of inser,
tiOns is marked upon the mana,
script, advertisements will be pub,
lished until forbidden and charge
accordingly
Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1905-01-27
Shenandoh Herald


Adv 'tisements viii be inserted
at one ollar per squsrs often lines
or less for the first insertion and so
cents Tor each subsequent insertion.
~ Quarterly or yearly adlor-
tisements by contract.