The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-03-12
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$500


ter how shocking these may be to con-
Ventional minds / was tickled TO death
some weeks ago when George Meredith
came out with his advocacy of short
term matrimony, and by Jove, there s
a chap named Osler down at Johns
Hopkins university now who isn't
afraid to say that a man isn't any
good after 40 and ought to be chloro-
formed at so. There are two nails that
have been hit squarely on the head.
and ], who have all my life despaired
Of finding anything worth while in this
y ale of tears, am really beginning TO
be hopeful"
''Humph," CALCULATED Redface taking
flis nose out of his glass for moment.
Keep on and you'll be the something
new under the sun. You want to watch
nut. Knocker, or the Greatest Show ON
Earth will catch you and put you in
a cage as the greatest freak of all ages
the Hopeful Knocker-"
"Au right" said the Knocker. I'D
rather turn an honest penny by exhib-
Sting myself as a, freak than sneak
million out OF the stockings of the wild
ows and orphans of the land by turn
Ing frenzied financier. It's better to be
behind the bars Of a circus cage actu-
ally than to be forever threatened with
those of the penitentiary. AS between
bald eagle and a jailbird, I'll be the
bald eagle every time But Pm not
the proposition this time. It's the frs
ky 6O-year-old and what shall be done
with him that we are discussing this
morning and Professor Osler has got
the thing down pat ChlOrOform 'em.
says, he, and your friend George w.
KnOcker is with him on that point
heart and SOUL
It's a shocking suggestion" said
Redface. who, despite a certain youth
fu1 aspect, is verging on 90.
IT'S like all other vital suggestions
Il #Naraf a IL,
But If you'll only think about the
thing and get at it's good points, you
won't think so badly of it. To begin
with, putting the old men out of the
way will give the young men a. chance.
The old men have had theirs. If
they've made the most of 1t, they ought
10 be satisfied. If they haven't, they
ought to get off the track and let
somebody else in on it. What is it
keeps the young ieutenants and cap
tains and majors and colonies in the
army down? It's the 6O-year-old gen.
erals. Who keeps the midShipmen
waiting for their oak leaves? It's the
60-year-old rear admiraIs that do it.
They'Nd got up to the top and they
ought to be satisfied to make room for
Others. They ought to be tired enough
by that time to give up What's the
good of being a rear admiral at so
anyhow You can't enjoy it half so
much as you would at So, when you're
still young and skittish, with a diges-
ton able to cope with a chafing dish
at its worst, and a head capable of
outstanding as many quarts OF bub-
bleS or ThatSall and soda as you've a
mind to insert in your face. That's the
hardship of it all. All the rich rewards
Of the service come to a chap who is
TOO old to need dignity and too feeble
TO kick up his heels and enjoy them
in style. Then, old men are such in
1ernal nUisances with the things they
think they remember too, and their
EasSy method of telling you about 'em.
If YOU happen TO say it's raining pretty
hard today some old sexagenariAn Will
crop up and tell you a pa OOO-word Sc
rial story about how much wetter the
rain used to be back in '49; how it came
down. not in bucketsful but in car
loads, how a cousin of his uncle's. first
Ovife's stepsister had baby that was
drowned by single raindrOp, the
nurse having careleSsly left little Will
lie outdoors over night. If you happen
to express your belief that Theodore
Roosevelt is a great man, your tooth
less old man will pop back at you with
a eIlogy of Old Tippecanoe and Tyler
TOO, just as il it wasn't possible for
the country to have three great men in
the course of. SeVenty-fiYe years. Your
J matinee idol today your aged POlonius
VIII tell you isn't worth ShuckS COM
pared to old Bill Mccullough or Tom,
O'BOOth, who used to take Shakespeare
by the ears back in SO and toss him
around like a lot of eggs in the hands
OF a juggler. Modern pie is a vain thing
compared to the doughnuts of '55: ap-
pendicitis of 1905 is a cheap skate of
3 disease alongside of the antebellum
ETipeS that SeneX enjoyed in his youth
ice cream these days isn't half as cold
as il was in 1912, and compared TO the
Mexican war this RussO-Japanese
had a few cycles of talk like that your
sympathy for the old man takes on a
pallid hue and if you're only half hui
man you'll be excused for reaching out
for the chlorOform bottle"
You forget, my dear Knocker." said
the Mortified Redface. that old age
and wisdom go together"
That's an exploded idea. Wisdom
goes first" retorted the Knocker-
Who goes to age for advice nova
days. About all the serious mistakes
of the time are those which &c brings
on. It's youth that knows it all. Ask
the president if that isn't so. Age.
with its experience. is afraid to plunge
into even a sure thing and this is. the
era Of pIunging. What used to be CON
sidered caution is now regarded as tim
idity. Age waits for business: youth
goes out on the highway and grabs
Il by the throat. SandbagS il, does any
thing il can t. get it. Age pOttcTs and
dawdles, while youth exceeds the speed
4rnitS getting there. Then, too, in "a
great many instances. think how much
better il would be for the old men
themselves to be showed off into space
before failure comes. How much hap
pier and better the world would be if
the minute a man got to the zenith Of
lfis career he could be snuffed out be-
lore he begins COaSting down on the
other side on TO the shoals Of disaster.
shipwreck and ruin. What fun il there
for the old man when he realizes that
he's through with success and must de-
vote the remaElSder OF his days to "A
constant struggle to maintain the posi-
tion he has won and keep what he has
got? BY thunder. Redface. if SenneN
were as wise as you say he is. h q root
for DR.. Osler's proposition just as much
rs I do. and large proportion of him
would not only welcome the chIorOfOrm.
but would send down to the drug store
and tell EN- TO hurry il up. No. sir
the Old Man must go. He's no longer
the backbone of the nation. When he
writes poetry II has govt in every foot {:
when he writes novels they are drop
seal with words and anaemic I'm
thoughts; when he goes into high fin
ance younger men snatch him bald
headed and hold him up to scorn i'm the
10-cent magazines; when he tries TO
organize anything il turns out to be
A ny a Shin