Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1905-02-15
Tales of the Town.

| The editor had a streak of bad
luck the other night. :. He was just
about to step into his new $4,000
automobile when three bed Stats
gave away and woke him up.
| 81
| 1t is said that the .meanest man
in the county has been located at
Platteville. He married a home
girl to save expense, took walk
around the city hall square for a
wedding tour, bought a nickels
worth of candy for wedding pre-
and then suggested that they save
the candy for children.
~
A friend tried to convince us the
other day that he once knew a bar
Der who would follow directions
when trimming hair, and states
that this remarkable person lived
here in Lancaster during the early
eighties. We informed our friend
that while we disliked very much
to cast aspersions on his veracity,
that we doubted very much about
the barber mentioned ever existing.
Personally we have had our hair
cut. trimmed and amputated by
long list of artists ranging from a
broken down printer who operated
in the back room of a print shop,
who for ten cents inverted the
office GROWER over our head and
trimmed around the edges, to a
highly scented person who claimed
to have acted in the same capacity
for Grover Cleveland, but none Of
them made good. We doubt very
much if that man lives who can put
his hand on his heart and honestly
say that he has ever met barber
who would follow directions, even
when they were blown i'll the bot
tie. It's a physical impossibility.
If you bring the barber, any of
them, physicians certificate show
ing that it would endanger your
health to have your hair parted on
other than the right side, he glee-
fully plows furrow up the left.
If you plead with. him to part it
on the left he plows from the right.
If you suggest that pathway down
the center of your roof is the proper
thing for your brand of face, he
makes the line of demarkation an
inch above your ear. You may
plead with him with tears in your
voice that he cut it square in the
back, and he straightway cuts it
round. Threaten him with vio-
lent ending if he cuts it other than
round, and he tremblingly cuts it
square. Lou Starr, the canary bird
developer, is authority for the state
ment that it is an utter impossl-
bllity for barber to do otherwise.
There's new comet coming. A
Frenchman discovered it first, but
he has lost it. 1t slipped the halter
the other night. 1t is travelling at
the rate of about a million miles a
second in a parabo]a. 1t would
have taken an automobile, but they
are too slow. A parabola is a
celestial vehicle and it is very fast.
If you meet it you'll recognize it by
it's two tails. 1t doesn't need two
tails any more than a rabbit, but
it's got 'em all the same and it's no
body's business. If you want to see
this two-tailed vagrant that seems to
be trying to butt into the sun stand
facing the northeast at about the
time the curfew bell rings. Then
look for Alpha Cygni. You'll know
Alpha by the wart on her nose.
Taking Alpha Cygni as starting
point, let your eagle eye travel on
an ellipse around that constellation
about trillion miles until it reaches
Beta Cygni. Beta is a sister OF
Alpha and you will know her by
the green ribbon in her hair. The
comet will be found near Beta
Cygni making goo-goo eyes at her
and spreading its two tails like a
peacock.
DR.. Row Carter has been very