Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1905-05-19
THE FATE OF THE SOCIALIST
BY MRS. LEWIS OSBORNE.

which to confine those maniacs, who
call themselves Socialists, that were
scattered around his States and Terri.
tories. al guess I'll phone for Teddy
to come and talk the matter over"
Uncle Sam at last decided. Heaven
knows / am sick Of the affair" and
forthwith he proceeded to execute his
decision in no mild tone of voice.
Therefore Teddy rushed in all excited
and demanded what in the world was
the matter. "Huh," he snorted when
Uncle Sam told him, al thought
something dreadful had happened by
the sound OF your voice. Why even
feared Russia might have accidentally
hit a Japanese torpedo boat. Couldn't
imagine anything less exciting arous.
ing your voice to such PITCH"
"Its just this way, Ted" said Uncle
Sam. Something has got to be done.
1 can't and won't have those Socialists
among my young American children.
They make impressions on their young
minds that l had"
"Now see here, Uncle" exclaimed
Teddy" you surely know better than
that; why those Socialists couldn't
make an impression ON hot butter.
Don't you worry about your children,
Uncle, not one minute; and say, do
you know just heard a good one.
You know those knowledge.pumping
machines they claim to have invented
for the Republicans? Well, the other
day a party OF Republicans took one,
and catching Socialist they applied
the pump good and hard, pumped and
pumped, but no use; his blamed skull
was so cracked that they say it leaked
out faster than they could pump in.
They say their heads are just simply
vacuum; won't even hold hot air, by
jingo" and Teddy chuckled to him.
self while Uncle Sam laughed outright.
"But Teddy, we must do something
with them, that's all there is to it,"
and Uncle Sans face took ON . very
determined look and he relapsed into
thought again. After . while he
looked up and said, We might fence
in Kansas or Missouri with an iron
railing so high they could not climb
out; but no, that won't do either. 1t
would leave them too close to America
altogether. want them 90 far away
that Americans can't even hear their
bowling"
"Ill tell you, Uncle" said Teddy,
you don't look at these people in the
right light. "Now my opinion is
that we ought to consider them and
treat them just as we would little
demented brother, or son; just remem-
Der they have no brains or comprehen.
sion, and therefore make allowances
for their infirmity."
Perbaps-perhaps that's 80, Ted
dy," said Uncle Sam slowly, "but never
theless we will have to find some
place to put them. We would put our
little demented brothers in the Feeble
Minded Institute, but that won't do
for these. Say. Ted. suppose we build
q large raft-oh say q couple of miles
across-and herd them al on to it and
send them adrift ON tho Atlantic. OF
course, make everything comfortable
on it, with warehouse for them TO
help themselves from, you know.
Once they are on the water they may
"whack up" just as much as they
please"
"That's capital" shouted Teddy !;
"Uncle Sam, you have hit it this
time; and now let's begin the raft
right away"
So workmen were called and con-
tracts let, and in q hurry the So
cialist raft began TO grow. 1t was fin
ished in due time and ready 10 drift
off.
"Teddy, you will have to do the
capturing of those wild animals. You
are good with lasso, they toll me"
Uncle Sam said to Teddy one day.
"Now, I call that mean," exploded
Teddy; "when I was just loading my
rife to 60 to Texas and hunt wolves"
"Sorry, Teddy, but it can't be
helped. This gang must be gotten
afloat some way and you're the one to
do it,"
"Well, I'll 60, of course" and away
rode Ted with his lasso, astride his
bronco to gather up all Socialists
within the borders OF the United States.
Some weeks later, Uncle Sam heard
q great many queer noises and on
rushing into the street beheld Teddy
with few sheepish looking individ-
uals.
"Ted," he shouted angrily, IF that
is the best you could do, you had bet.
ter give up"
"All there was, Uncle" was the
cheerful response. Every blamed
Socialist in all the United States"
"Well, I'll swan" said Uncle Sam,
land to hear their bowling you'd
think two.thirds OF our population
consisted OF them.
"Oh, that's one OF their character