davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
A Pleasant Evening
~ in the Yards
BY S. e. kISER.
,ususospsqeusasuspsususpe

nIARY of a man who has bought a
IL berth in a sleeping car that is to be
started on its Journey at three o'clock
in the morning. the passengers being
permitted to enter at 1920 and go to
bed:
1O:45-Ah, this is delightful. There
is nobody in the upper berth; the night
is Just cool enough for comfort, and
I'll have over four hours of good, solid
sleep before the car starts. Il
10:56-They have run a switch en-
CINE up beside this car. and it is blow
ing off steam with a roar that would
make Niagara sound like the humming
of mosquito. wonder why they don't
save their coal!
11:01-They are now ringing the bell
on the switch engine. 1t sounds as if
it were about five and one-half inches
from ms ear.
11:14-Biff! That was an awful
bump. l guess was doing. | thought
for a minute that we had been wrecked.
They must have let a freight train get
loose and bang into us. Another shock
like that and my heart is likely to jump
the fence.
1l:16-We're moving. | can't under
stand it. The agent said our car would
stand in the yard till three o'clock.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
WHAT SHE WOULD TAKE.
Something That Would Enable Her
to Escape Those Hash
cry Jokes.

Gimme a little cold polar bear" said
the man in the basement restaurant to the
waitress who, having brought him glass
of water, had stopped to get his order,
relates the Chicago Tribune.
Polar bears all OUT she replied, with
q far-away gaze that went past his head
without seeing him.
Got any iced watermelon"
''Yeh. Want some?"
mo, not if you've got it. How about
that picked tongue?''
S all right. D'u want that?'
.'Not any for mine. I'm married Well,
don't see anything here on this bill that S
cold enough for a hot day in July, except
hot pancakes and coffee. Hurry EN- along:
will YOU? They are bound to be cold by
the time [ get EN-"
The waitress swept away, still without
seeing the customer He called her back.
Here" said the customer, that was
Just joke. | want a boiled dinner.
What'll you take to laugh the next time
l get funny?"
"Chloroform, said the waitress, as she
started for the kitchen.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

more by blowing your whistle than you
| do by ringing your bell. The next time
| | get a beith in a sleeper that doesn't
start till three in the morning they IL
have to have a keeper on each side OF
| me, I'll tell them that. Let her wnls-
| tie, Don't mind me! I'll bet hun-
dred dollars that engineer has grudge
| against somebody in this car and Is
| trying TO give him case of nervous
prostration Grace takes after her
| iAother That's plain enough. Still,
don't know but that I'd rather be mar
| ried to a woman who got a little too
plump along late in life than to nave
one who dried up to nothing but skin
and bones.
1:23-We're off again. This is the
ninth time they've run us down the
track and then run us back, with a
Notwithstanding bump at each end,
Oh, we'll. | guess there's no use trying
to go to sleep now. I'm going to take II
philosophically and save wear and tear
on my temper.
1:37-For heavens sake! They're
the roof of this car and pour water into
it. | wonder if they didn't have time
to attend to that earlier in the eve
ming. when people were not trying to
sleep? | believe this road is run by
lunatics.
1851 know that man in the next
berth is now in the last throes. Con-
found him, he ought to die! Any man
who can sleep through racket like
this deserves an ignominious death.
Still, | don't suppose he's to blame,
after all. He makes so much noise of
his own that he doesn't know anything
else is going on. That's the great ad-
vantage of being a snorer. never
thought of it before. Now l know why
a man who snores is always able. to
sleep overtime. -.s..
2:02-Ouch! That bump nearly threw
me into the aisle. l wonder why they
always run into us from the direction
toward which rne's head points? I'll
bet there are seven distinct imprints
of my skull on the partition between
this and the next berth Oh, ii the
coupling would only break and let lis
run into the river!
2:14-They must have hauled us
back near the station. Twenty people
outside are trying to talk at once. l
can't make out what they're saying, but
it must be funny. | can hear our por-
ter. who evidently is standing at the
car steps. laughing with great enthusi,
asm.
2:29-Hello! Our old friend the
switch engine has returned with steam
up and the safety-valve showing what
it's there for. don't suppose they can
find room for it anywhere else in the
yard.
2:41-Thank heaven! Only 10 min
utes to wait in this inferno. Jerusalem!
They're going to shunt us around
somewhere again. wonder if it would
do that poor fellow any good to pour
some kind of lubricant into bis wind
pipe? It's too bad that Grace's hair is
so dark. Otherwise the down on her
upper lip wouldn't show at all.
2..53-The Pullman conductor has
Just yelled to the porter that the train
to which we are to be attached is an
hour and so minutes late. Good-by,
proud world, godo-by! I'm going out
to throw myself in front of the switch
engine. If an all-wise Providence felt
that l had any right to live this could
never have happened to me.-Chlcago
Record-Herald.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

would pass by in carriage, with an es-
cort, on the way to mosque, to pray to
Allah, and everybody could see the sui
tan, so we got place on balcony, and
at the appointed time the procession
came in sight. 1t was imposing, but
solemn, and the people on both sides of
the street acted like they do in America
when the funeral of great man is pass
ing. No man spoke. and all looked as
though they expected, if they moved, to
be arrested, and have stone tied to
their feet, and thrown into the Bos-
phorus, the way they kill one of the sui
tan's wives when she fiirts with stran-
ger.
We watched the soldiers, and finally
the carriage of the sultan came, and in
1t was dried up man, with liver COM
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

to buy something, so dad picked up a
little limerick. worth about ten cents,
and gave the Turk a five-dollar gold
piece, and while the Turk went In, be-
hind the curtain to get the change told
dad now was the time to skip, and you
ought to have seen dad make a sprint
out the door and around corner, and up
another street, while l followed him,
and we got away from the danger of be-
ing stabbed, but dad got his foot into it
again before we had gone block.
Nobody in Constantinople ever hur-
rieS, or goes off walk, so when the peo-
pie saw an old man, with fez on his
head, running amuck, as they say here,
followed by beautiful boy, they began
to crawl into their holes, thinking dad
was crazy, but when we were passing
sausage store, where about 20 dogs were
asleep in the street, and dad kicked half
dozen dogs and yelled get out, you
hounds" that settled it, and they knew
be was wrong in the head, and they
yelled for the police, and we were pulled
for fast driving, and taken before
Turkish justice of the peace, followed by
the whole crowd
The justice did not wear a fez, but
had on turban, so dad did not give him
any signs, but after jabbering a while
they sent for an interpreter, who could
talk pigeon English, and then dad had
trial, and acted as his lawyer. told
about how dad had tried to be kind and
genial to another mans wife, and how,
in his hurry to get away from the muir
derous husband he fell over. mess of
dogs, and that he was a distinguished
American, who was in Turkey to nego-
tate loan to the sultan.
Say, that fixed them, and they all
made salams to dad, and bowed all over
themselves, and the justice of the peace
prayed to Allah, and the interpreter
said we could go, but to be careful about
touching Turkish woman or dog, par
ticularly dog, as the Turks were very
sensitive on the dog question. So we
went out of the courtroom, and wan
dered around the town, and you can bet
that dad didn't look at any more wom
en-, though they were everywhere with
wells that covered their faces so nothing
but their eyes could be seen.
Gee, but you never saw such eyes as
these Turkish women have. They are
big and black, and they go right through
you, and clinch on the other side. Dad
says the facilities for getting into trou-
BILE are better in Constantinople than
any place we have been, as the men look
like bandits and the women look like ex-
ecutioners. Dad thanked me for help
ing him out of that scrape by claiming
he was the agent of financial syndicate
that wanted to lend money to the sultan
If had said dad was collecting agency,
to make the sultan pay up, they would
have sentenced him to be boiled in oil.
Well, we thought we had been in trou-
BILE before, but we are in it now worse
than ever We heard at the hotel that at
IL o'clock in the morning the sultan
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
plant, with nose like an eagle, and

plant, with nose like an eagle, and
eyes like shoe buttons. He looked as
though death would be relief, and yet
he seemed afraid of it, and there was no
sound of welcome, such as there would
be if Roosevelt was riding down Michi-
gan avenue at Chicago, on the way to
the stockyards to pray to Armour, in
stead of to Allah.
You could have heard a pin drop.
said: dad, this is too solemn, even for
sultan. Let's give him the university
YELL and show that mummy that he has
got two friends in Constantinople, any
way" Here she goes says dad, and
we leaned over the railing, just as the
sultan's carriage was right ip front of
u.s. and not ten feet away, and in that
oppressive silence dad and opened up,
~ Rah Rah-Wis- Con-Sin, zip boom
Ali" and then we started to sing,
"Therell Be Hot Time in the Old
Town Tonight"
Well, if any man in the crowd had
touched off bomb, there could have
been no greater CONSERVATION. The sui
tan turned pale, as pale as so yellow a
man could, and became faint, and fell
over into the arms of general who sat
beside him, the Bazi Bazouks on horse
back began to ride up and down the
street, the crowd scattered, the sultan's
carriage was turned around and rushed
back to the palace, with the ruler of
Turkey having a fit, and about a hun
dred soldiers came up on the veranda,
where dad and had broke up the pro-
cession, and they lit on dad like buzz
yards on dead horse, and took possess
sion of the hotel, and began to search
our baggage.
One Turk choked dad until his tongue
hung out of his mouth, and another took
me by the ear and stretched it out so
it was long as a mules ear, and they
took us to bastile, and dad says it is all
up with us now, because they will drown
us like mess of kittens in bag, and all
because we woke them up with foot
ball yell, in the wrong place
Well, we might as we'll wind up our
career here as anywhere Good-by, old
man. You will see our obituary in the
papers
Your repentant
uENNEpv
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

Ex-Goyernor of Wisconsin. Former Ed
itor of Peck's Sun, Author of "Peck's
|. Bad Boy" etcO
Copyright, 1906 by Joseph B. Bowles.
Constantinople, TWkey.-My Dear
Old 'sShriner'-We got out of Russia
just in time to keep from being arrested
or blown up with bomb. Dad wanted
to go to Moscow, because he saw pic
ture once of Moscow being destroyed by
fire by Napoleon, or somebody, and he
wanted to see if they had ever built the
town UP again, but | felt as though
something serious was going to happen
in that country if we didn't look out,
and so persuaded dad to go to Turkey,
and the day we started for Constantine
pie we got the news that the Nihlllsts
had thrown a bomb under the carriage
of the Grand Duke Sergius, and blew
him and the carriage into small pieces
not bigger than a slice of summer sau-
sage, and they had to sweep his remains
up in dustpan and bury them in a two
quart fruit jar. Wouldn't that jar you?
When dad heard about that you
couldn't have kept him in Russia on
bet, and SO we let the authorities have
all the money we had, giving some to
each man who held us up, until we got out
of the country, and then we took the
first long breath we had taken since we
struck the God-forsaken country of the
car. If the bombs hold out do not think
there will be quorum left in Russia
in a year, either cars, dukes or any
thing except peasants on the verge of
starvation and workingmen who have
not the heart to work. wouldn't take
the whole of Russia as a gift, and have
to dodge bombs night and day.
Say old man, you never dreamed that
I knew all about you and dad joining
the Masons that time, but watched you
and dad giving each other signs and
grips, and whispering passwords into
each others ears, in the grocery, nights,
after you had locked up. thought, at
the time, that you and dad were plan
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
American Coin for Europe.

Since it seems to be determined that
the expenditure of Americans who go
to Europe for the summer averages
$1,000 for each person, it follows that
100000, 900 of the so-called balance of
trade of $4OO,00O,OOO this year will be
covered by these foreign voyageurs.
The rush to Europe this year is break
ing all records. The number of first
and second class passengers who have
already been carried across is $4,000.
Thirty thousand more will go in July,
and the total for the season is estimated
at 100000.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

OOfl COnfound 1t. what are they trying
to do with us, anyway? We must have
run against stone wall.
11:29-I wish l hadn't come in so
early. What a beauty Grace Leaning
ton is-and as clever as she's pretty
might have been with her instead of
wasting time in this stuffy car for the
past hour, too! Pm a Rocky Mountain
sheep if they haven't run that switch
why they keep ringing the COMPOUNDED
bell! They certainly can't be afraid of
running over people while the old ma
chine is standing still at this time of
night.
11:40-No use. l can't go to sleep
here. They've run the switch engine
away, but that fellow in the next berth
is going to die in minute or two. No
man can use his breathing apparatus
to make such sounds as he's making
and live. l wonder if he has a wife
and family! It'll be sad task to break
the news to them.
= 11:53-Oh, heavens but this is love-
ly! The conductor and porter are now
quarreling with somebody about his
ticket. l was just going to sleep, too.
l wish l had sat up and smoked
12:07-At last things are quiet The
porter has turned down the lights.
Now for a good, refreshing sleep |
need it. wonder if Grace bennington
is likely to get stout in her old age?
12:21-Um-m-m! Heavens, We must
have been run into by the fast mail
that time. hope nobody's killed. It's
that COMPOUNDED switch engine. 1t has
come back and hooked onto u.s. l won
der where we're going now? Oh, well,
don't care much. Danger and death
no longer seem terrible to me- Maybe
they're going to shove us into the
roundhouse. If they'd only keep the
car moving l believe | could go to
sleep easier than when it's standing
still / wouldn't be surprised if Grace
might get rather heavy after she's So
or 40 Her mother must weigh at least
40 pounds.
12:33-Bang, once more. I'll bet the
man who's running that switch engine
never had hold of a throttle before.
But perhaps his brake is broken. so
that the only way he can stop is by
running against something. I'm SO
glad | got here as soon as the car was
opened. 1t would have been pity if
l had missed any of the refreshing
rest I'm getting.
10. 40-I'm going IN ranort +hic oo,
ductor. l don't believe the company
pays him merely to stand in the aisles
and gossip with the porter while pas
sengers are trying to get the sleep
they've given up their good cash for.
1:02-There 1t is again. The switch
engines got back. oh. foot, dad burn
you, toot! You can't disturb me any
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
disappeared behind the curtain, and dad

disappeared behind the curtain, and dad
had the frantic husband to deal with.
| have never seen human being look
as murderous as that Turk did as he
drew his thumb across the blade of his
knife, drew up his lip and snarled like a
dog that has been bereaved of promis-
ing bone by brother dog that was
larger. The Turk looked through his
teeth. and his eyes seemed to act like
small arc lights, that were to show him
where to cut dad, and dad began to turn
pale, and looked scared.
''Give him the grand haling sign Of
Distress" said as dad leaned against
barrel of dried prunes. Dad said he had
forgotten the sign, and then told him
the only way out of it. alive, would be
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
HENNERY.
THE FIRING" OF uiSKUM.
Being an Illustrative Instance of the
~ Virtue of Submissive
ness

Liskum was the "butt" of the co
caP' room of the daily on which he
worked, says the Brooklyn Eagle He
was a dried-up wrinkled little chap
who might have been either 20 or so
years of age. Whatever went wrong
about the Office was laid to Liskum
and whatever was attributed to him he
accepted without murmur, only smil-
ing crinkly little smile that won
the hearts of the whole staff. For,
joke him as they might, every re-
porter on the paper had a tender spot
for Liskum.
\ One day Tompkins, the "star" re-
porter, came in to find the group about
the big stove in the local room ind:g-
nantly discussing something.
"LiSkum has been fired" some one
told him. There was a great fuss
about the Third ward story in this
mornings paper"
Tompkins. "Liskum had nothing to
do with it." And with that he start
ed for the managing editors room.
Mr. Rockman sat by his flat-topped
desk; Liskum stood opposite him.
Tompkins slowed down in an apollo
getic way, for lie remembered that he
had violated precedent by entering the
editors room without knocking.
Come in, Tompkins," said Mr.
Rockman. You are just the man I
want to see.''
Liskum turned his crinkly smile on
Tompkins, but spoke not word.
81 have just dismissed Mr. Liskum
for that Third ward story" said the
editor
81 heard So" replied Tompkins, "but
I wrote that story myself. He mad
nothing to do with it,
81 know that" said the editor.
"That is why l dismissed him. A for
midable delegation of Third ward peo-
pie came here this morning, and made
it very plain to me that something
must be done to soothe them. | knew
you were such fiery chap it would
never do to let you face them, so l
brought Liskum in and Indignantly
dismissed him from the reportorial
staff I am just now engaging him as
assistant city editor"
Lisllum turned another crinkly smile
on Tompkins, and the star reporter
went back to the big stove in the city
room.
Boys" he said, "the old man is all
right"
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
Successful n-Breeding in Dublin

Successful Breeding in Dublin.
Few, if any, menageries in the world
can show a more remarkable record of
lion rearing than that of the Dublin
ZOO. From the old lion-house, which
was recently replaced by a magnifi-
cent building to which Lord Roberts
has given his name, lions bred within
it's walls have been consigned to al
most every quarter of the globe. Up
wards of 200 cubs saw the light in
the old lion-house, and sum OF near
ly $4,000 resulted from their safe to
other menageries, both at home and
abroad One lioness, whose career in
the gardens extended over period OF
16 years, gave birth in her time to
no fewer than IS cubs, which realized
the sum of 91,400.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
BETSY ROSS.
quiet house. a quiet street,

A quiet house, quiet street,
A needle and thread
scissors and a square of blue,
Some strips of white and red.
And slender hands that deftly stitched
The shining stars across
Twas thus the flag of Liberty
Was made by Betsy Ross.
Though Father Time has worn to rags
The ermine robes of kings,
And left the guns of war to rust
Among forgotten things;
Though crowns and scepters at his toucl
Have turned to dust and dross-
Yet not a broken stitch has married
The work of Betsy Ross.
In stately hall and lowly home
This day its colors wave,
The shelter of the worlds oppressed,
The beacon of the brave.
Let glory on the nations shield
Among the stars emboss
The thread, the needle, and the name
And fame of Betsy Ross.
-Minna Irving, in LeSlie's Weekly.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
ULCERS FOR THIRTY YEARS.
Painful Eruptions from Knees to
Feet Seemed Incurable Until
He Used Cuticura.

Another of those remarkable cures by
Cuticura, after doctors and all else had
failed, is testified to by Mr.. NJ G.. Moss,
of Gainesville, Texas, in the following
letter: For over thirty years l suf-
fered from painful ulcers and an erup-
ton from my knees to feet, and could
find neither doctors nor medicine to help
me, until / used Cuticura Soap, ONT
ment and Pills, which cured me in six
months They helped me the very
first time l used them, and I am glad
to write this so that others suffering as
I did may be saved from misery"
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
Bait for BUYERS.

How will, we get rid of that edition de-
luxe" asked the manager of the publish
ing house. 1T contains nothing that Is
original or surprising
Never mind, answered the salesman.
well raise the price few dollars and
advertise it rs 'unexpurgated. washing.
ton Star.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
Not a Cash Ra sis

Wife-Mrs. Splurgit says she is very
particular always to pay her calls on
time.
Husband-Well, she's consistent, any
way; the Splurgits pay everything 'on
time. Detroit Free Press.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

We never could understand why the
girl who puts up lettuce leaf sandwiches
for the picnic gets married sooner than
the one who prepares the satisfying ones
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
Strict.

eyes, the doctor has put me on the
strictest kind of diet"
Indeed. What is it?"
"Well he says mustn't eat anything
I don't like, and not any more than I
want of what do."-Tit-B
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
THE PLAYwRIGHT-sTAR.
Odette Tyler, Famous Actress, Value
Doan's Kidney Pills.

Miss Odette Tyler is not only one OF
the best known dramatic stars In
America, but has written and produced
successful play of her own. Miss
Tyler has written the following CRATE
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
Consoling

She-I never could quote line OF
poetry!
He-I've noticed that; it's one of
your greatest charms.-Detroit Free
Press.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

full note, express
ing her apprecia.
ton of Doan's
Kidney Pills :
Foster Milburn
Co. Buffalo, NY.
Gentlemen: My
experience with
your val a bl e
remedy has been
equally crafty
ing to both my
self and friends.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

A truly modest man is one who keeps
his opinion of himself to himself.-N. o..
Picayune.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

Many men take delight in calling at
tention to the good there is in them.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
Don't Get Footsore! Get Foot-Ease.

OoH OSt IOOtsOIo. 0cL EUUt-IdSe.
A wonderful powder that cures tired, hot,
aching feet and makes new or tight shoes
easy. Ask to-day for Aliens Foot-E Ease
Accept no substitute. Trial package FREE.
Address A. S. Olmsted. LIE Roy, n. Y.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04

(Signed) ODETTE TYLER.
FosterMilburn Co., Buffalo, n. Y.
For sale by all dealers. Price, so cents
per box.
The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1905-08-04
Dad Wears His Masonic Fee in Con-
stantinople-They Find the Turks
Sensitive on the Dog Question-A
College Yell for the Sultan Sends
Him Into Fit.
BY HON GEORGE w. PECK.

Ex-Governor of Wisconsin, Former Ed
itor of Pecks Sun, Author of "Peck's
Rad Roy' etc)