davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
FROM THE GRAVE.

WHISTLE FROM THE GRAVE.
most practical came to the attention
of the patent Office officials about ten
years ago and involves the introduce
ton of long pipe to the coffin with
one end extending up through the
earth to the top of the grave. The
end OF the pipe is placed convenient
to the mouth of the person buried,
while the end exposed has whistle of
the locomotive type, so that if the per-
son buried is not really dead he can
blow through the pipe, sound the
whistle, and thus notify the cemetery
attendants that a mistake has been
made.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
How the Correspondence Ended.

How the Correspondence Ended.
Dear SENATOR" wrote one of his
youthful constituents, please give me a
simple rule for success in life.'
my dear young friend,' wrote the
eminent statesman, railways put your
best foot foremost"
Dear SENATOR rejoined the youthful
constituent, 'teither you don't know
anything about grammar or you think
/ have more than two feet. Chicago
Tribune.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Explained,

Sapleigh-Why do you dislike cigar
cites?
Miss Knox-Because they are danger
Gus.
Sapleigh-But I have smoked them
for ten years and they haven't killed me
yet.
Miss Knox-Yes. know-and that's
one reason why object to them.-Chi-
cago Daily News.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Both MIGHT Improve.

Workingman-If you fellars wot work
wild your heads would do little hand
work once in awhile you'd walk
straighter.
Scientist-True And if you men who
work with your hands would do little
headwork once in awhile, you'd think
straighter. Y. Weekly,
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
With a Proviso.

Customer (handing over the money!
II want to be sure about it. Can you
guarantee that this stuff will kill off the
cockrOaches?
Druggist (wrapping up the bottle)-1
guarantee it absolutely, ma'am-if you
can get them to take it according to d.
ections.-Chicago Tribune.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
De Lunatico InQuirendo.

"Mr. Snipp, will ask you if you have
ever noticed any signs of incipient in
sanity on the part of this man."
'Why-er--yes, sir, if I've got to
answer that question. The last time he
ordered suit of clothes from me he in
sisted on paying for it'in advance.
Chicago Tribune.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03

Los Angeles has a wireless telegraph
pole 2R feet high, or just 100 feet
higher. than any other pole in the city:
It's construction and erection has been
matter of great civic interest. It
will form a station on the line be-
fwean Los Angeles and Puget Sound.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Not for Him,

Not Tor Him. -.
II thia1 it only proper to remark,
Mr.. Sect" said the naughty girl, who
thought she detected "signs," chat
I would not marry the best man hv-
ing"
Don't be alarmed" replied Mr.. Con
Sect, "he isn't going to propose. My
interest in you is merely platonic.
Philadelphia Press.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
WHISTLE FOR GRAVEYARD.
How One Inventor Would Provide
Escape for the Person Acciden-
tally Buried Alive.

The dangers of being buried alive
seem to have worried many inventors,
and many devices have been prepared
to lessen these dangers. Quite the
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
An Easy Author,

do you read Shakespeare much?"
"No.''
"But you said you admired him.
Eyes. What chiefly admire about
him is that you are perfectly safe in
saying his plays are great without
going to the trouble of reading them"
washington Star.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03

ThesLaw Of Compensation.
You'll see it proved most every day;
The story isn't new
The man who has lot to say
Has nothing much to do.
washington Star.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
An Immune.

"Mr. Cadsby never pays the slight.
est attention to flattery"
NO." answered Miss Cayenne. "It
would be impossible to devise any
form of flattery> that would correspond
to his good opinion of himself
Washington Star.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
To the Point.

Doctor" asked the caller, what
would you recommend for disordered
liver?"
my FRIEND" said the old doctor, not
ing the color of his nose, II should rec
ommend that he live more orderly
life."-Chicago Tribune.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
One Thinp Lower

Doctor-You have a distinct lower.
Ing Of the vitality.
Patient-Thank goodness that's one
thing that's lower than it used to be,
anyway!-Judge.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
A Needed Rest.

Clara have been to the seashore,
resting.
Aunty-Huh! What have you been
resting from?
Clara-Why. from sitting around at:
home, Of course-N. Y. Weekly.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Her Honest. Conviction

Her Honest Conviction.
1T costs a great deal to own horses"
said the woman with an income.
YES" answered young Mrs. Torkins,
*'but after Charleys experience at the
race track am convinced that the
horses other people own cost you MORE"
Washington Star.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Her Partine word.

Marmaduke Before We were mar
ried she used to say '.By-bye" so sweet,
~ when went down the steps
Montmorercy-And what does she
say now? =. .%.-.
Marmaduke-Oh, just the same
thing: Buy. buy .,~.- ~: ss*S
Montmorency-Ah, 1 see! She ,ex-
ercises a different spell over you
Tit-Bits. --~ <<. :,
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
THOUGHT It Was a Book,

: Thought It Was Bookcase.
Belle-Don't you think she has a
very fine vocabulary?
: Beulah-1 really don't know. was
never in her library.-Yonkers States-
sEan -
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
The End Of It.

The End Of It.
First Millionaire-Do you regret your
tainted money?
Second Millionaire-Nope: the second
generation will lose the faint, and the
third will lose the money.-N. Y. Sun.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
So EXPRESSED.

80 Expressed.
Teddy-What do people mean when
they say man is just in the prime OF
life?
Father-They mean, my son, to be
considerate of an old mans feelings
Cassells.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Clever Girls.

He-1 see the bachelor girls are wear
ing suspenders. this summer.
She-Yes; but you don't see us fasten
them with nails instead of buttons
Yonkers Statesman.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Fun on the Force

Gam I really awaken" murmurei
the vagabond On the park bench.
"1'll pinch you and see," quoth thu
quick-witted policeman. Cleveland
Plain Dealer :
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Truth Comes Out

Truth Comes Out.
She-Where did you pass your vaca-
ton?
Heat the seashore.
She-And did you leave your heart be-
hind you when you returned to town?
He-No. but left my trunk.-Chicago
Daily News.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03

Among the S,945 prisoners taken to
the Moabit prison in Berlin last year,
theia were 1.188 females.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
The Purest to Be Had.

my friends tell me-" said Mrs. New
bride, that your milk is not pure"
"That's not So" retorted the milkman.
well, they say you put water in it,"
"Well. use nothing but filtered wa
ter."-Philadelptia Press.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Both Guilty.

She-You ought to be ashamed Of
stealing kiss = <$' .z
He-You are equally guilty. You re-
ceived the stolen goods.-Tit-B Bits. s.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Whv He Failed.

Jinks-Why did young Pudney fail?
I thought he was doing well. -"
Binks-He was until he spent too
much time reading the advice to young.
men on how to succeed.-Tit,Bits. ~
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Courage

= E---VVU10EEs - y =
b 'Does it take coL. age to run private
yacht p al
Courage of one sort A man mustn't
be afraid Of expense. "-Washington
Star.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
AFair Question

Proud Father-We have spent $1,000
on our daughters voice.
Neighbor-Dear me, and is It incur
able ?-N. Y. Sun
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
IN THE FOREST.

The Turtle-What made that dog 20
away hollering So?
The Porcupine-Oh, he was nosing
around for information, and l supplied
him with a few points.-Cincinnat
Enquirer.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
A Modern Version.

Count that day lost whose low descendine
Views by thy hand no fellow-b being DONE
Judge.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Had to Be Paid For,

The Dentist-1'll have to charge you
five shillings for pulling that tooth.
The Patient-Oi thought yez charged
wan shilling.
eyes; but you yelled so that you
frightened four other. patients out Of
the place.''-Cassell's.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Good Money. But

0OoU A1Ouey, 6ut-
mrs. Hoyle-Does your husband
make good money!? &c. 81
Mrs. Doyle-Yes; it's good enough,
but there's too little Of it.-Judge.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
VIM, Certainly!

asked a girl to marry me,
One cloudless summer day:
She was just like a chunk of ice
She melted right away.
-Yonkers Statesman.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
PrecariouS.

.2 sss precardou1.
Bob Smith is sick abed. $3.50.
Has he got anything dangerous?' ?,
Well. he's got young Dr.. Jones'.
Town TOPICS.
The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1905-11-03
Tall Wireless Pole

"Literally false feet" temporary pro-
to aid the ameba in moving.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
NO CAND0R IN DIPLOMACY.

The Berlin Foreign Office feels i'm
PEELED to give out the statement that
Germany will afford Russia no assist
ance in suppressing a rebellion in Po-
land should an uprising occur. This
statement may be taken for what il is
worth, but those experienced in the
ways of diplomacy will not attach great
weight to it. But why has Germany
been constrained to volunteer a dis.
claimer of this kind at this particular
time! II Won Buelow simply desired to
inform the Russian government that it
must not look TO Germany for help in
a Polish crisis, it could have done so
privately instead of publishing it to
the world in a manner calculated TO add
to the embarrassments which are throng.
ing about Count Witte. Probably the
motive was a desire to keep
the Prussian Poles from joining their
Russian brethren in a demand for
autonomy.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19

A well TO do Kentucky farmer once
invited an acquaintance from neigh.
boring town TO dine with him. The
recipient Of this courtesy was man
well known in that region for his gen.
eral cranklness and his propensity to
use his gun at the least evidence OF
what he considered an affront. The
farmer. well aware OF the loneliness
OF his guest. with whom, for business
reasons, he desired to remain ON good
terms, always kept wary eye on his
visitor. One afternoon the testy lndl.
vidual In conversation with his host
remarked II can't account for the
queer feelings and impulses that come
over me ut times. DO you know, the
first time | took dinner here had as
much as could do 10 master the I'm.
pulse when one OF your sons made
certain remark TO whip out my gun
and let 60" "Oh, don't you worry
about that said the farmer II know
all about your little failing In that line.
My son Jake was standIn' In the hall.
way just back Of you with a shotgun.
You did well TO change your mind. At
the first motion toward your hip pock-
ct my son Jake had Instructions to
blow daylight through you"
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19

WEATHER TODAY

. Portland, Nov. lS.-Washing-
. ton and Oregon, Sunday Rain,
= and gales along the coast.
. ><<<<>>>><>>><>>> Z
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
Sells More of Chamberlain's Cough
Remedy Than Of All Others
pnt Toeethef.
Put Tofefnef.

Mr.. Thos. uevrge, q merchant at Mt.
Elgin, Ontario, says: Il have had the
local agency for Chamberlain's Cough
Remedy ever since 1t was introduced In.
TO Canada, and / sell as much Of II as
do all other lines have on my shelves
put together. Of the many dozens sold
under guarantee. ] have not had one
bottle returned. ! can personally recon.
mend this medicine as I have used Il
myself and given it to my children and
always with the best results" For sale
by Frank Hart and leading druggists.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19

The alleged Citizens movement is a
civil menace. In the first place II Is
not what it pretends to be; it is not
what it was meant to be; IL has been
shorn of its earlier and hOnester inn.
port, and is now used as cloak for
cheap Democratic aspirations. The clean
and able Democrats of the city are not
affiliated with il in the remotest degree,
but the small fry politicians Of that ilk
are using it to foist themselves upon
the public, TO attain a point of vantage
from which TO leap TO the more valuable
situations on the political staff of the
the City and County. The trailres are
blissfully ignordn: Of the use that Is
being made of them and are helping
the procession along, but that Is the
sole occupation of the trailers in the
the political world, and is must not be
wondered at The Democratic politi-
clan does not need any coaching when
1t comes to making use Of anything as
easy as the "trailers"; he will get busy
with the poor innocent, as Sspry kit
ten gets busy with q mouse, only the
mouse has enough gumptiOn to make
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
DON'T FOOL YOURSELF.

Senator Clay of Georgia is quoted as
saying that Mr.. Roosevelt can have
another nomination for the Presidency
il he wants it or will take it, and that
there would be practically no opposition
to him should he run again. This does
not at all imply that the South is turn
ing to the Republican party. On the con-
trary, it is the personal popularity of the
President. II one takes pains TO scan
Southern comments on Mr.. Roosevelt
closely. he will see that the Southern.
ers have come to regard the President as
pretty much a Democrat. They speak
of him as standing for Democrat policies
and yoicing Democratic aspirations.
This point of view does not Indicate
leaning toward Republicanism-the re-.
verse, rather. The financial issue Of
1896 came nearer splitting the South
than anything else The recent elections
show that the old slave States are still
solid for in Maryland the Democrats
elected their State ticket and the Leg
islature although the constitutional
amendment disfranchising negroes was
voted down. Secretary Shaw's canvas
of Virginia left the State Bourbon as
Cali Tribune.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
Neighbors, After All.

The wealthy man had told the visitor
who was soliciting money for foreign
missions that he preferred to help the
heather next door. II want what
give to benefit my neighbors," said he
The Philadelphia Ledger says the Wis
ltor's face took ON a look Of mild In.
splratIon.
Whom do you regard as your
nelghborsT he asked.
why, those around me-
"Do you mean those whose land joins
yoursi'
"WeTl-yes."
How much land do you hoIdT
About 800 acres"
"And how far through the earth do
you think You ownr
why, I've never thought OF II before.
but | suppose own half way down"
Precisely" said the man who was
soliciting aid, with an air Of calm tri-
umph. Il suppose you do, and want
this money for your neIghbors at the
other side Of the world-the men whose
land adjoIns yours at the bottom..s
You're ready reckoner," said the
millionaire dryly, but he drew his check
book toward him.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
COOL, BUT VERY PLAIN.

The Boss Democratict!) gambler" Of
this city was heard to remark yester.
day, "that if we can get your Mayor
Council and Police Commission this
trick, and down your sheriff next June
you fellows are apt to get little tired
amt your The remark was made to a
Republican, and considering its source
and tenor, was the pattest exposition
of the real, actual, genuine, bona -fide,
unalloyed reason for their being in the
field just now, that has been uttered
this season; the only thing that is lack
ing in the situation, is the eho of its
newspapers. Then all hands will know
where the local Democracy and its
trailers, the Citizens, are. without more
ado.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19

rying your" abe finally managed :,
say. her eyes round with surprise.
He took her note from his insid,
pocket, adjusted his eyeglasses ant
looked at II carefully.
Il certainly hope | have not beer
mistaken" he said. handing II TO her.
Two large tears rolled down hel
cheek. Il don't know how on earth
thought this was upstairs In my writ
ing pad" she said miserably. 1T was
just Joke TO tease Dlcky. Lob.
never was so ashamed In my whole
life" she said. dropping into a big II.
brary chair and hiding her face against
its back.
He walked behind the chair and,
leaning on II. looked down smilingly
upon the brown head that rose and fell
with each sob.
Il knew there was some kind of Joke
connected with II. child he said sooth.
ingly. There was Obliged 10 be some
joke about the fact that girl your
age would dream OF marrying an old
man like me-"
Il don't think you are-old." came In
muiiied tones from the padded back OF
the chair.
Il knew II was a joke" be resumed.
but Il seemed rather-pleasant. Some
how had an irresistible desire to come
and see why you did H."
Melissa's face was sttli hidden.
Il wouldn't have you feel mortified
about II for the world" leaning over
htil his lips touched stray tendrll
OF her hair that shone red brown on
the black leather chair back. II am
twice as old as you. little girl. but I am
young enough TO understand a Joke
DO you feel all right about II now p
The brown head nodded In a com.
forted manner.
And yet, Melissa. l can't help real.
lzlng how nice II would be-lf II were
not joke. II there ever comes day
when you could possibly mean II. won't
you send II backi"
The figure was as still as the chair
that held II, and Hartly sighed as he
turned OF.
Never mind. or course you could |
pot. I'll say goodby now and catch the
D o'clock train for town. Won't you
shake hands TO show we understand
each other?"
Melissa bllndly held out waverlng
hand that he grasped in his big one.
His expression changed with light.
ming rapidity. for there could be no
doubt about It the girl had gently
pressed into his palm the note that had
been concealed In her hand.
Melissa" he exclaimed unbelieving. \
y. seating himself upon the arm OF the
big chair.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
RULE OF DUpLIcITY.

The short-horn Democracy at present
controlling the destinies of the "Citi-
gems" campaign in this city, is fulsome
in its denial of working for a wide open
town. Then what is 1t in the field for ?
Short of this wretcbed program it had
nothing to fight for. The Citizens
movement was in the saddle and things
were moving to the liking of the peo-
pie who put them there. Even the
stranger within the gates of Astoria
does not need be told that this plea is
false. The issue is closely and clearly
cut: The Democracy, with the assist
ance of its trailers, expects to ride into
place and position on this issue. They
hope to break down the influence set up
here for the common good, and by ex-
citing a contest involving the cupidity
and lust of their following, attain to a
supremacy in the broader affairs of the
County that shall make them invulner.
able for years. The program is as
simple as it is equiYocal anil as futile as
it is both. The era of decency still main
tains on this peninsula.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
MASQUERADE IN TOWN.

There used to be a real Citizens move.
ment in vogue in this city. II served
its purpose and like all utilities should
have been laid aside when the time
came; but it was too handy. II was
applicable to other ends. and one Of
the local parties is applying il now for
all the world as tho,gh it had in.
spired the thing primarily. The fag-end
Democracy has it employed at the pres.
ent moment, as a lever for gaining a
foot.hold on the political ladder in June,
"To what base uses" etc. etc.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
WISE SELECTION.

The trustees of Columbia University
have in the person of Professor John W.
Burgess made a happy selection for the
first incumbent of the Theodore Roose.
welt Chair of American History and In.
stitutions in the University of Berlin,
established through the generosity OF
Mr.. James Speyer. Dr. Burgess is ad.
'miably qualified to interpret the genius
of American political institutions TO
German students, as he has done note.
worthy work in that direction for our
own students. The novel plan Of ex-
change in teachers, arranged by the Ger.
man Emperor and President Butler, con.
templates German professor at Col.
umbia. and it is to be hoped that ex.
changes between other universities may
be made, thus drawing the scholars and
students of the nations into closer bonds
of sympathy and understanding.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
SUBSCRIPTION RATES.
WEEKLY AST0RIAN.
By mail. per year, in advance. .sl.oo

Entered rs second-class matter June
3. lss, at the postoffice at Astoria. ore
gon, under the act of Congress Of March 5,
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19
Thanks to the Postmand,


Melissa chewed her pen star In pre-
tended meditation and kept one eye on
Dlcky Johnston.
Dicky had shown signs of wandering
away from the fold and must be brought
back. II was decidedly against Melis.
sa's creed TO allow another girl 10 re.
ceive even nn iota OF admiration from
one OF her coterie.
There was girl belonging 10 the
house party, u blond, Melissa thought
contemptuously. who had received en-.
tirely too much attention from Dicky.
Therefore he must be disciplined.
His lesson must be decided at once and
to the point. Having decided upon this,
Melissa gave her pen one conclusive
nibble and commenced writing hurried.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-11-19

II il TO be observed that it Is Abe
Ruefs enemies that have announced him
as a candidate for Senatorial honors. A
man is badly enough off when he is in
the hands of his friends as candidate,
but when he's in the hands of his enem-
les his plight is infinitely worse. But
Ruef may not trust his political ambi-
tions TO the tender mereies Of his
enemies. ....