davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
A knotty Case,

An amusing incident took place
once while Judge David T. Laird
was holding court at Leavenworth.
An old man of the name of Joe
Whitehead, farmer who resided
near that place, was always an at
tendant at court, not as litigant,
but as an observer. Whitehead was
drinker and full of wit and humor.
He had asked Judge Laird to let
him sit as judge in some case. So
the judge promised Whitehead that
he might sit as judge in the "frst
knotty case that came up" A few
mornings afterward the case of
"Knott versus Knott" was called,
when Whitehead rose up in the back
part of the courtroom and hallooed
out at the top of his voice, "Judge
Laird, that is my case, and I am
readyw
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
SHREWD SCHEMES.
Those Devised by shoplifters k.., =
tectives GUESSING.

To detect the female sborr+.
used to be the easiest thing in 1 +ba
world. Nowadays her wiles call o1, t
the lynx eyed vigilance of lady J az
tectlves, says London Answer.
They are in all our big drapery ana :;
furnishing emporiums-and +bou ~
have busy time. 'D'y
The shoplifter, bear in mind :.
not, as rule, the homeless creat,ro
in rags. She is a fashionable bnttar
fly, who flutters about the most ~
pensive stalls. She has a conda-
scending smile, patronizinp oir
and the majestic grace of newt
presented debutante. And sba
sweeps along-choosing crowds
wearing bag skirt and a belt "a
fish hooks. u
This fish hook device is ingenious
The shoplifter wears them Level
with the knee underneath her looso
and flowing skirts. They are spaced
just far enough apart to keep them
from becoming entangled. To the
inner side Of the underskirt a vida
band of oiled silk is sewn. This
with similar bands around the
knees, saves both the thief and her
skirts from being hooked and per-
mits the hooks themselves to bano
free.
The thief who wears these fish
hooks wears also two little spurlike
projections at the back Of the
French heels of her shoes. With
these she picks up handkerchief.
blouses, silk and other materials Of
a like nature and raises them be-
meath her skirts to the other hooks
All this can be done by an expert
in the most unsuspicious manner
possible, even beneath the eyes of
the detective, without giving tina.
individual the slightest intimation
of what is being done.
Another thief uses a large hook
and heavy sinker, these being sus-
pended beneath the skirts and capa-
bic of being raised OF lowered bv
means of small reel carried inside
the shoplifter's pocket. The thief
knocks the article to be stolen off
the counter as if by accident and
stands over it. With one hand she
calmly proceeds to lower the hook
until it touches the floor and
catches the blouse or piece of silk
there. Then up comes the hook
with the stolen goods, and the shop
litter walks quietly away.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Bluestoekinss, Beware!

Woman after woman lined up at
the glove counter and got waited on,
'but the call of the woman with the
book under her arm was still un-
needed.
"Why is it," she walled to a pass
ing acquaintance, chat l can't get
anybody to sell me pair of gloves?'
at is that book that does all the
mischief" said the acquaintance.
"You will never get waited on prop
erly so long as you go shopping with
a book tucked under your arm. 1t
gives you a studious. look, and shop
girls abhor a bluestocking of any
description. They claim that o
woman with literary tendencies buys
in small quantities, at low prices.
Therefore it doesn't pay to give
their time to her until all the smart
customers have been waited on."-
New York Press.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Died Of Improvements.

The following is told of a pa
tient, German woman, who, taken
seriously i'll, was sent to the hos
pital.
In the evening her husband in
quired how she was getting along
and was told that she was improv-
ing.
Next day he called again and was
told she was still improving.
This went on for some time, each
day the report being that his wife
was improving.
Finally one night when he called
he was told that his wife was dead.
Seeing the doctor, he went up to
him and said, "Vell, doctor, vat did
she die of-improvements ?"-Har-
per's Weekly.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
SHE TOLD 4 STORY.
IL Spoiled the Lunch, but Crushed the
Literary Lady.

When a noted woman writer visit
ed Washington not long ago a
luncheon was given in her honor,
and there came to the entertain
ment woman who always refers to
herself as literary, though nobody
ever chances upon any of her pro-
auctions in any known magazine.
And opposite that literary lady sat
a woman who hates her with the
bitter and undying hatred which can
exist only between women who have
lived on adjoining floors in an apart
ment house, with a dumb waiter in
common. The literary lady monop-
olized the conversation.
"You and L have similar tastes"
said she to the guest of honor. 81
write stories now and then"
The woman opposite drew her
dirk and spoke up then.
81 never hear anybody say now
and Them" she said, without re-
calling story they tell up Boston
way about the captain of a sailing
vessel. He was a hard master and
found it difficult to get crew. The
question was one of grog. At length
he promised the men he wanted to
sail with him that they should have
their grog now and then He was
man of his word. As the schoon-
er sailed out of the harbor he called
all hands on deck and ladled out
grog.
"'This is now,' said he. 4 am
giving you your grog now. When
we pass Boston light again, coming
home, that will be then. You'll
have your grog now and them"
You couldn't have melted the ice
cream at that luncheon after that
if you'd set it on the kitchen range.
Washington Post.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
A Defect In the Hands.

A good story is told of an English
lawyer who, having succeeded in
making litigant of every farmer in
his county, having grown rich at
their expense and thus established
a valid claim to their consideration,
consented to sit for his portrait,
which was to adorn the courtroom
of the county town. The picture
was duly painted by a London artist,
and previously to being hung was
submitted to a private view. 'Most
uncommonlike, to be sure" was the
general verdict. But one old chap,
regarding the canvas critically, dis
sented from the prevailing opinion
as follows: "That be somewhat like
his face, but it amt the man. This
man has got his hand in his own
pocket, you see. Now, I have knowed
him foe FIVE and thirty years, and
all that time he's had his hand in
somebody else's pocket. This chap
amt him."
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Origin of the Word Teetotal.

The late Joseph Livesey, a IA
nous speaker and worker among
the pioneers of the temperance
movement, is responsible for the
word "teetotalism." Joseph Live
sey, albeit a fluent speaker when
wound up to his subject, generally
began In stammering and hesitat-
ing fashion, and indeed suffered in
some measure from a natural i'm
pediment of speech. From this cause
certain peculiarities of his diction
Ted the irreverent testers of that
day to make no little fun out of his
illusions to the blessings of t-t-t-to-
tai abstinence. The word became
famous. T-t-t-total was in every
body's mouth, and finally in its
abbreviated form Of teetotal was
gradually introduced into the Eng
lish language. The old joke is long
since dead, the result of it remains,
and photographers a thousand years
hence will, like enough, invent mys-
tic and learned explanations as to
its true Observation-Disclosures Mail.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Her Time Table.

There was a Glasgow man to
whom his wife said: Donald, next
Thursday is Helen's birthday. She
will be eleven years old. Give me
a little money, please, to get birth
day present for her" The man, as
he took out his purse, said queru-
lousy, "How the deuce are you
able to remember so exactly the
dates of all our children's births 2"
Easily enough" the woman an
swered. "Our first child was born
Jan. II, and on that day you gave
me necklace Of diamonds and ru-
bies. Our second was born on June
2, and on that day you gave me a
needlecase worth sixpence. Our
third child was born on Oct. 81, and
that date is firmly fixed in my mind
through terrific rumpus that you
made about a milliner's bill"
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Ancient surgical Inducements.

Over forty different kinds of sur
glcal instruments were found in the
house of a surgeon at Pompeii.
Some resembled the instruments
now in use, while others are SO COM.
pletely different from anything of
the kind now employed that their
use is entirely conjectural. All were
inclosed in brass or lockwood cases,
ard some even retained the exquisite
polish that they had when buried.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02

During the civil war soldiers were
very apt to become intoxicated, as
liquor was sometimes the only drink
they could get. One soldier, who
was in the habit of becoming intox-
icated, was demonstrated with by
the. colonel of his regiment, the con-
versation which took place being as
follows:
"You are remarkably clean
man, sir"
"Thank you, colonel"
"But, sir, you have bad habits"
II am sorry for that, colonel"
"You drink, sir"
81 am sorry for that"
ooh, l know you are sorry, but
why don't you drink like me?"
Colonel, couldn't do it. 1t
would kill me" Boston Herald.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Why He Wept.

During the funeral of one of the
Rothschild family in Paris beggar
was noticed among the onlookers
sobbing bitterly. A bystander,
touched by the mans grief, en-
deavored to comfort him.
"Do not weep so bitterly, my
poor friend" he said. "See, even
his relatives are able to restrain
their grief more than you are do
ing" Then, as a new idea struck
him, Surely you.are no relation of
NJ. de Rothschild ?"
"No-no," sobbed the beggar.
THAT is just why l am SO unhap-
pv."
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Qisliked the Flavor.

When cherubic youth of four
was brought III as a candidate, says
the Columbia Ledger, the kinder
garten teacher fell in love with him
at sight.
ooh, you darling" she cried.
"HGye you any brothers like your"
"I es'm," he replied. 'Me and
Billy and Jimmy. l like Jimmy
best.
And why do you like Jimmy
best -
"'Cause he did such a errand for
me. He bit Billy's leg"
"But, dearly" protested the teach
er, why should you want Jimmy to
bite Billy's leg?"
"'Cause l hate the tas'e of Billy's
leg" replied the cherub.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Power of AdNertisinn.

Excited Gentleman = It's all
through your wretch& paper!
Editor (who is used to i) -
What's the matter now?
Excited Gentleman-You stated
the day before yesterday that a
thief had entered my room, broken
open my desk and stolen a sum of
money, but that fortunately he had
overlooked the gold watch which
usually lies in the bottom drawer.
Editor-Well, the facts are stated
correctly.
Excited Gentleman-They're cor
rect enough. But what is the re-
suit? The infamous man came
again last night and took the watch
London Madam.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
His Private Talk.

"Your honor" said the plaintiff
in the divorce proceedings, 81
charge cruel and inhuman treat
ment. My husband hypnotized me
into thinking that my last seasons
bonnet was just the thing for this
season."
HE did?" asked the judge, look
ing sternly at the defendant. "My
man, come here The court will
speak to you privately"
Wonderingly, the defendant came
to the bench, when the judge said:
Say, old fellow, Pve got wife
and four daughters. Can you hyp-
notize them?"
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
The Law of IL.

The old buck in the story who
dropped sovereign in the plate at
church, installing it for a penny,
could get no great satisfaction out
of the sexton, as will be recalled, but
he was not the old buck to give up
easily.
Accordingly he sought legal ad-
vice, with a view of instituting a
suit at law.
But the lawyer whom he consult
ed was one of those rare and gifted
souls who would rather be witty
than rich, or almost anything else,
for that matter.
"Sir," said he at once, you have
no case. You were guilty of con-
tributory negligence. Puck.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Sleepless Fish.

There are several species of fish,
reptiles and insects which never
sleep during the whole of their ex-
istence. Among fish it is positive
ly known that pike, salmon and
goldfish never sleep at all 4; also that
there are several Others in the fish
family that never sleep more than
a few minutes a month. There are
dozens of species of flies which never
indulge in slumber and from three
to five species of serpents which
also never sleep.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
ODD IDEA or HUMoR.
The Joke a Famous Frenchman Played
Upon His Friends.

N. Henri Bonaventure Monnier,
the famous French caricaturist, au-
thor, mimic and practical joker, was
in the habit of showing his ability
in the last named direction to an
extent never even reached by such
master of the art as Theodore
Hook. He would carefully plan a
scheme and work up to the climax
with the skill of a perfect actor.
One day he stopped at the door
of concierge.
rs NJ. Henri Monnier here?" he
asked.
'No, sir" answered the concierge
politely. ''He does not live here,
and he does not call here"
ooh, yes, he Does" replied Mon
nier glibly, because I am Henri
Monnier!" Then, laughing immod-
erately, he went off without another
word.
The next day he returned to the
house, and so great was his power
of facial expression as well as his
ability in making up that he was
completely unacceptable.
"Can l see M. Henri Monnier p
was his question.
''No, sir. He is not here. No
gentleman of that name ever calls
here" answered the concierge, an
noyed.
'.Ha, ha! Wrong again! I am
Henri Monnier, my dear sir" and
on that once more he went off,
laughing.
On the third day still another diff
ferent looking gentleman presented
himself at the house and asked the
same exasperating question. This
time it dawned upon the concierge
that he was being "spoofed."
of ever you dare come here
again and ask for Henri Monnier,"
he exclaimed, "I'll break a stick
over your shoulders"
Monnier went home and wrote
the following note to about half a
dozen of his friends:
Dear Comrade Il have changed my
rooms. 1 now live at giving The name of
the street and the house at which he had
so sorely tried the concierge). VIII you
come this evening and help me in a little
house warming and jollihcation? We will
have supper and real good evening.
The evening came, and the first
of the guests arrived at the house.
'1s M. Henri Monnier IMP"
This was enough for the infuri-
ated concierge. Down came his
stick upon the shoulders of the
appalled, and mystifed visitor, who
was numerically belabored before
he could get away. All six arrived
in turn, and all six were subjected
to the same treatment. In the
meantime Monnier sat at home en-
joying the joke.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Provoking Mistake,

The caller was angry and even
belhgerent. 81 want an explanation
and an apology, SIR" he said. "In
your paper this morning you had an
account of the wedding at the
Smithbys last night, and YOU spoke
of the jay that attended the happy
pair as they went to the altar Now,
sir, Pm the"-
Gracious heaven" gasped the
editor. II wrote it 'joyP"-Chica-
go Tribune.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
A Fair Proposal.

A story is related of a man who,
on visit to Scotland, went to the
kirk on the "Sawbath." Feeling
very drowsy, he succumbed entirely
after the first sentence or so of the
sermon. An elderly man, who had
been watching with rising wrath
the obviously "irreleegious" attitude
of the stranger, bent forward, shook
him and whispered in his ear: "Gie
the mon chance. Wait till he gets
along a bit, and then if he's mo-
worth listening to gang to sleep, but
d'nna gang before he gets COM
menced."
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
WINNING HIS NAME.
An Indian Boys Battle With Wolf
In Old Newfoundland.


With the following somewhat
CORY scene Theodore Roberts opens
his story of old Newfoundland,
Brothers of Peril" THE boy
struck again with his flint knife, and
again the great wolf tore. at his
shoulder. The eyes of the boy were
fierce as those of the beast. Neither
wavered. Neither showed any signs
of pain. The dark spruces stood
above them, with the first shadows
of night in their branches, and the
western sky was stained red where
the sun had been. Twice the wolf
dropped his antagonists shoulder
in vain attempt to grip the throat.
The boy, pressed to the ground,
flung himself about like a dog and
repeatedly drove his clumsy weapon
into the VOLTS shaggy side. At last
the fight ended. The great timber
wolf lay stretched dead in awful
passiveness. His fangs cleaned like
ivory between his scarlet jaws and
black lips. A simmer of white
menaced the quiet wilderness from
the fecesses of the half shut eyelids.
"Eor a moment the boy lay still,
with the fingers of his left hand
buried in the VOLTS name and his
right hand a blot Of red against the
VOLTS side. Presently, staggering
on bent legs, he went down to the
river and washed his mangled arm
and shoulder in the cool water. The
shock of it cleared his brain and
steadied his eyes. He waded into
the current to his middle, stopped
to the racing surface and drank I'M
stfntingly. Strength flooded back
to blood and muscle and the slender
limbs regained their lightness.
"By this time a few pale stars
CLEANED on the paler background of
the eastern sky. A long finger streak
of red, low down on the hilltops,
still ightened the west. The boy
saw nothing of the changing beauty
of the sky. He returned to the dead
wolf and set about SHINING it with
his rude blade. He worked with
skill and speed. Soon head and pelt
were clear off the red carcass, and,
collecting his arrows and bow, he
flung the prize across his shoulder
and started along a faint trail
through the spruces.
after walking rapidly for nearly
anrhour the boy came out on a small
meadow bright with fires. Nineteen
or twenty cOnical wigwams made of
birch poles, bark and caribou hides
stood about the meadow. Two
women who were broiling meat at
the fire looked from the shaggy,
blood stained pelt to the stalwart
STRIPPING, They cried to him softly
IN tones Of love and admiration.
Now give me my man name,' de-
manded the boy.
"a sta wart man, the chief of the
village, strobe from the dark in
terror of the nearest wigwam. His
eyes cleaned at the sight of his
boys torn arm and the white teeth
of the wolf. Wolf Slayerp he cried.
He turned to the women. Wolf
Slayer he repeated. Let this be
his man name-Wolf Slayer"
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
No Hone For Him

There's JOY enough to keep the
whole world dancing"
=, eyes, but they'll turn you out of
the church for it."
We'll, you kin holler hallelujah
on the highway"
Eyes, but they'll arrest you for
disturbin' the peace"
you"
"Oh, yes! You kin be Jest as
miserable as you please, Atlanta
Constitution.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Why He Wanted Cash.

Merchant Tailor-I am sorry to
say it, Mr.. Goodheart, but as this is
to be your wedding suit l must de-
mand cash on delivery.
Mr.. Goodheart-Eh? Why, I've
had an account with you for years,
and I've always paid promptly to
the hour, sir.
Merchant Tailor-Yes, Mr.. Good
heart, but you were bachelor and
had the handling of your own mon
ey.-London Tit-Bits.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
WEAKNESS and Hunuer.

Never eat when very tired. 1t is
better !: to refrain-to go hungry, in
fact, than to gulp down a lot Of food
when your stomach is too tired to
asslmilate what YOU eat. Another
equally good precaution is to rest
for ten or fifteen minutes anyhow
or longer if possible after eating.
Instinct teaches animals to do this.
and good sense ought to teach peo-
pie to do the same, but it doesn't
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
Cistern and Well.

There's one thing | can't under
stand" said the studious fat young
woman who was taking a CORE
spondence course.
whats that" asked the accom-
modating man with the funny grin
who was good at statistics.
How does it happen they can dig
one hole and it's a well and then
dig another hole right by it and its
a cistern :"-Indianapolis Star.
The Marietta journal. [volume] (Marietta, Ga.) 1866-1909, 1905-11-02
The creduIitx Of Woman

There are notable exceptions to
the rule, if this is really the rule,
but the statistics of the St. Louis
postothce are an astonishing con-
hrmation of the ease with which
thousands Of women all over the
country can be induced to mail hard
earned money, running up finally to
total of millions, for ''safe keep
ing by men of whom they know
nothing except through the appeal
OF the incredible made by circular.
st. Louis Post-Dispatch.
The news & observer. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1894-current, 1905-05-11
BITTER FEELINGS
AGAINST FRANCE
Aided Rojestvensky to
Reach the East.
JAPANESE THINK THIS
They Believe That Without French As.
sistance He Could Never Have Got
ten Into Oriental Waters. Many
Eyes Turn ExpectantIY
to England.
(Ry the Associated Press-l

Toxic, May 9-The feeling of re-
sentiment against France for the as
sistance given to the Russian second
squadron continues to run high and
is finding expression in variety OF
ways The nearness of the Russian
squadron and the nature of the prep
arations which Admiral Rojestvensky
is said to have made in French waters
seem to have suddenly convinced
many people that it would have been
impossible for Rojestvensky to come
to the Far East without outside as
sistance, which has given a sinister
shade to the popular resentment.
In the crisis many eyes are turned
toward Great Britain for assistance. Ii
is argued that France rescued Rojest-
vensky from absolute failure to reach
the China Sea and that the final aid
given to the Russians in Indo-China
amounts to an act of belligerency and
there are many demands that Japan
invoke the alliance with Great Brit
ain. The Japanese government has
not taken the people of this country
into it's confidence Since the Kan
ranh Bay incident nothing will be Off
cially made known except that the
government was making vigorous rep
reservations at Paris while, proceeding
carefully and cautiously, not desiring
to resort to extreme measures while
a hope of an adjustment exists.