davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
"MALINGERING" IN THE NAVY
Shamming Illness Not Common Nov
MAN Who Feiqned Insanity.

Shamming Illness Not Common Nov
+ MAN Who Feigned Insanity.
"Malingering," remarked a. naval
officer the other day, according to the
Washington Star, "is not nearly SO
common in the navy as it used to be,
but every once in while we have
men feign illness for the purpose .of
evading duty or securing change OF
station. One of the worst cases
trician stationed at the Mare island
navy yard. He had been courtmar-
tailed for various offenses and SEN
fenced to be dishonorably discharged
In order, however, to leave the serv-
ice under more favorable auspices and
so obtain pension he simulated in
sanity and acted the part to the
queens taste. He said that the peo-
pie were trying to poison him and
went into violent contortions when
approached. AS he could not be held
by ropes it was necessary to put him
in irons. In one of his paroXysms he
clamored for live snake to eat and
would be satisfied with nothing else.
Suspecting that he was shamming,
tame snake was borrowed and offered
to him, but as he gave every evidence
of eating it the owner of the snake
refused to allow the test to go any
further and the reptile was carried
away. For the next ten days medical
dietary treatment was administered
with the result that the patient final
ly owned up that he had been sham
ing, with the remark that he couldn't
given him by the doctor any longer
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
A New Orleans Wine Cellar.

A lady newly arrived in Washing
ton, of great wealth, was at a dinner
few nights ago and amazed everybody
by telling the brand and vintage of a
rare wine without seeing the bottle or
label.
'FHow can you do it?' she was
asked.
oh she replied, II was born in
New Orleans, you know, and was
raised there. When l was a slip of
girl my father used to take me down
into his great wine cellar under the
house and show me the dusty bottles.
He taught me all about wines down in
those gloomy caves
After the dinner the hostess said to
her husband: ''Wasn't it interesting
to hear Mrs. So-and-So tell about her
fathers wine cellars?"
Great" replied the brutal husband.
"Absolutely great! 1t was simply fine.
You know there isn't a cellar in New
Orleans" - Washington Correspond
ence New York World.
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
BETTER THAN STRAIGHT TALK.
Where CircumIocution Saved Servant
from Reprimand.

Where CircumIocution Saved Servant
from Renrimand.
The late Bishop Elder of Cincin-
natl, was born in Baltimore, and a
Baltimorean said of him recently:
From his childhood Bishop Elder
had the gift of direct and forcible
speech. I once congratulated him on
the possession of this gift, praising
direct diction and condemning circum-
locution, Whereupon he said:
'Circumlocution, though you con-
denim it, has it's use. It is fine in
strument wherewith to soften harsh,
unpleasant facts. There are many
cases where circumlocution is valu-
able.'
For instance, I once had young
man for servant who was inclined
to take too many liberties.
"'On certain evening, for the en-
tertainment of guest of distinction,
I procured very excellent game
pate. All of it was not eaten; quite
half, I should say, was left when the
servant removed it from the table.
"'For luncheon the next day,
thought I would have up the game
pate again. told my man to fetch It,
He, with confused air, said he didn't
know where it was. told him to co.
then, and ask the cook
He departed and in a little while
returned without the pate.
"'Well?' said I. We'll? where is
the pate, John?'
ellis reply was circumlocutionar
enough to save him reprimand.
"'Please, SIR he said, the cook told
me to tell you she told me to eat it, :"
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
RelictuS.

'One shall be taken, and the other left''
Into Life's cleaning he has passed to-
night.
The vividness of day for him is Ger.
Its gladdening luster will be his nc
more,
Only the solemn vespcrtinal light.
She was his all. as he was all to her
happy smile that hovcrest like o
wrath
Ger. the wan lips, dost thou proclaim a
In Love no mist of years can ever blur?
Dreaming; he gazes. waited to a cline
OF hyacinth giades and meadows cow
slip croWn'd.
Where boy and maiden, brave in Love
new found.
Laughing defiance fling to Death and
Time.
Into the cleaning. he has passed, but
soon
Shall glisten through it's grayness
Memory's star.
And with white radiance naught of
Earth evan mar
Console for crimson dawn and golden
Westminster Gazette.
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
On a Beautiful Day.

O unseen Spirit! now calm divine
Comes forth from thee, rejoicing earth
and air!
Trees hills and houses, all distinctly
shine.
And thy great ocean slumbers every
where.
The mountain ridge against the purple
sky
Stands clear and strong, with darkened
rocks and dells,
And cloudless brightness opens wide and
high,
A home aerial, where thy presence
dWellss
The chime of bells remote, the murmur-
ing sea,
The song Of birds in whispering copse
and wood,
The distant voice Of children's thought
less glee,
And maiden's song, are all one voice
of good.
Amid the leaves green mass sunny
Of flash and shadow stirs like inward
The ships white sail glides onward far
away.
Urhaunted by dream of storm or
strife.
John Sterling
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
HORSE WAS ON THE RANGE.
Pastors Jaws Not the Equal Of Those
T.. of His Equine Friend,

Pastors Jaws Not the Equal Of Those
-. Of His Equine Friend. #
Gas I was coming by one of the
churches in Bisbee," said Judge Dick
son of >Nogales, Ariz., my range find
er apprehended the odor' Of fried cot
ton-tail, and then I noticed smoke
pouring from the church chimney,
which led me to believe that 3 church
supper was under way. Being hungry
and inclined to benevolence when an
opportunity like that to favor the
church runs against me, I pushed in
the side door, and found that I was
right in kitchen where I supposed
the pastor had his study. Standing
over a four-hole stove was the Rev.
Mr.. Banks, smothering cotton-tail in
a skillet of hot lard, and he was much
warmer than he expects to be here
after-when he has his salary raised
and he isn't compelled to keep house
in church."
Z" How do you like camping out in
church," I asked, taking in the stu
alton. Better let me share that rab.
bit with you. Queer place to live,
amt it? Where's your horse? Stable
him here?"
No; sir, I don't, I'm sorry to say
answered the parson, although there's
a nice stall for him in the organ, but
can't afford to do it, so I turn him
out OH the range near by and run
chances
you'll lose him, sure.
"'Well, all right. He's bad mans
horse, anyway, for I can't move my
jaws preaching the Lords word as
fast as he can on alfalfa at 500 a
tom"
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04

Promptly at midnight Dec. 81, the
birth of the new year was flashed
around the world by telegraph and
cable from the naval observatory at
Washington.
A series of time signals were used
in the various cities. At the observa-
tory wire was attached to the time
clock, and as the minutes were ticked
off they were sent throughout the
world.
There was no difficulty about send
ing the signals to North, South and
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
Both Had Titles;

He was an exaggerated English
type, and his appearance in the lobby
Of the Broadway Hotel attracted some
attention. So we'll known humorist
as Mr.. Simeon Ford vouches for the
story. The unknown asked for light
and volunteered this information:
''I am stranger here, dye know,
but at home I'm a person Of some i'm
portance. I'm Sir James B.,
knight of the Garter, Knight of the
Bath, knight of the Double Eagle,
Knight of the Golden Fleece and
Knight Of the Iron Cross. Who are
you?"
me name," was the ready reply,
"is Michael Murphy. Night before
last, last night, tonight and every
night, Michael Murphy"-New York
Herald.
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
nANllA

Central America, the continent of Eu-
rope, Alaska, Australia, New Zealand
and the Philippine Islands, but, owing
to the presence of business occasioned
by the Japanese-Russian war, the sig
nails probably did not encompass the
circuit of the earth.
The signals traversed over 100000
miles of wire.
The signals last year, as actually
timed, reached the Lick observatory
in .05 second; Greenwich observatory,
England, in 1888 seconds; National
observatory of Mexico, in 10 second;
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04

Sydney observatory, in Anustralia, 3.5
seconds; and the Wellington observa.
tory, New Zealand, in 4 seconds.
According to Commander Hayden's s
report, this wonderful feat in time sig
mailing as perfected at the observatory
and encouraged by the telegraph lines
in this country, the click signals were
heard at Dawson, Skagway, Juneau,
and Sitka, Alaska; at Panama, Val
paraiso, Buenos Ayres; at Honolulu,
Guam, and Manila; and they traversed
the cables beneath the Atlantic and
Pacific oceans.
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
Foster Father of Action,

MANY people have told me that |
work too much" said COL Henry w.
Savage, "but I don't believe them
1t is not work that ails me, but worry
Work is healthful and invigorating
you can scarcely put more on a man
than he can bear. Worry is the rust
upon the blade. It is not the revolu-
tions but the friction that wears out
machinery.
II believe with Carlyle that men do
less than they ought unless they do
all they can.
moreover, I have always found that
you can pretty we'll judge the kind of
worker a man is by the way he talks.
Speech is the Foster Father of
action, and action is life"
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
Liked the Promoter Best,

Every one will admit that amateur
theatricals, even the best of them, are
good deal of a bore to disinter-
ested spectator. It was the late Col.
Thomas Ochiltree who gave voice to
the prevalent opinion on that sub.
ject once when he was forced to sit
through an amateur performance of
Rome and Juliet
At the close of the performance the
hostess persisted in asking him to
tell which one of the performers he
liked the best. Finally the Colonel
said:
well madam, if you will have re-
ply. I liked the prompter the best,
because I heard the most of him and
saw the least of him."
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
A Handicapped Successor.

I'm the majority of cases." said
Senator Depew, "a formal personal ad-
dress is simply a string of fulsom me
compliments and professions indis-
criminately lavished upon any indi-
vidual in authority in order to assure
him of the particular, personal and
exclusive veneration in which he is
held by those who would pay equal
homage to any one else if he DOS
sessed equal power.
''The best reply I ever heard of to
such an address was made by James
l. when certain of his subjects ex-
pressed a wish that he might reign
over them as long as sun, moon and
stars should endure
"I suppose, then,' observed the
monarch, you mean my successor to
reign by candle light.
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
Limited Profanity.

Among the old habitues at police
headquarters story is current of how
former Chief of Police Thomas Byrnes
got the best Of home missionary who
had selected Mulberry street as a
fruitful field in which to proselyte.
The missionary introduced himself to
Byrnes, who was at the time the head
Of the detective bureau, and asked for
his assistance.
. "Certainly," said the inspector, "Pll
push your game along for all it is
worth"
And just then in came a detective
who had grievously blundered. The
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
The Ranue of Prices.

The high prices of certain new
hotel on upper Fifth avenue have been
the subject of innumerable jokes. 1t
has remained for an Englishman to
hit off the situation adequately with
a single phrase. Mr.. Israel Zangwill
dined at the hotel in question recently,
where he learned something of their
rates. He was asked later where he
had dined.
AT the Hotel Impossible" said he,
"where it costs, WE'LL, more than I
can afford to pay.''
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04

without knowing it themselves. Such,
for instance, was the clergyman I re-
member hearing uI in Vermont, who,
reading from the llpit, said
Saddle me, the; ass; and they
saddled him.
"And he never knew why some of
the congregation Uttered"
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04

inspectors vocabulary of wrath and
profanity was turned loose on the
luckless detective. -
"Sir," expostulated the missionary,
"the book commands that you swear
not at all.
"I don't swear at all, replied the
instructor, II only swear at those that
annoy me. The rest get off easy"
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04

When the Days Were Longest.
can. excess of candor will as fire.
quently destroy ones cause in an
argument as will a lack of it," said
A. H. Hummel, in discussing the eth
les of debate.
"For instance, that point is we'll
illustrated by the Irishman who boast
ed that he had often skated sixty
miles a day.
Sixty miles!' exclaimed an audi.
tor that's a great distance. You must
have done it when the days were long.
est
"'To be sure they were. 1 admit
that replied the ingenious Hiber.
man."
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
WISE REFLECTIONS,

Diplomacy is being awfully sur
prised when you get a plum that you
have been scheming very hard for.
A woman always wonders what her.
husband has been doing when he gives
her a lot of money to buy presents
with.
When an old maid bumps her head
against the door in the dark she never
has to worry over the way people will
wonder if her husband did it, -
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
Why They Uttered.

Very few people realize that the
real meaning of sentence is fire.
quently conveyed entirely by the &C.
cent and not by the actual words
used," said DR.. James Garfield, of
Columbia University. accent is to
the voice what money is to the purse
There are individuals who, through an
incorrect ear, are unable to modulate
their voices correctly and who thus
produce the most ludicrous effects
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
REPUTATION EASY TO LOSE
Little Fable of Guy de Maupasant
Points Good Moral


To illustrate the ease with which
a reputation may be shattered, the
New York Sun summarizes this story
by Guy de Maupasant:
peasant perceives piece of
string lying in the village street and
stOops to pick it up. AS he puts it in
his pocket he notices his enemy look.
ing at him from a neighboring door.
step. Ashamed at being seen pick
ing up SO trivial an object, he turns
hastily away, in evident confusion
But pocketbook has been lost.
and the peasant is arrested, charged
with having found it.
In vain he protests that it was only
piece of string he picked up. No.
body believes him. But, as there is
no further evidence against him, he
is released
He goes from friend to friend tell
ing his story, showing the piece of
string. But they all turn away He
is an Outcast.
He tells his story to strangers, to
any one who will listen. Practical
jokers get him to tell it to amuse
them, as soldiers are urged to tell
the story of their battles. His mind,
struck at the root, grows weak; he
takes to his bed; at last he dies,
clutching the piece of string, protest
ing his innocence in his delirium.
No one can tell a practical jokes
end.
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
A BUDGET OF MAxtMS.

Rather than say nothing, men are
content to speak i'll of themselves.
A proud man can never be a loser:
no, not even when he renOunces his
pride.
1t is much less for mans honor
to distrust his friends than to be de-
ceived by them.
Few people have the wisdom to
like reproofs that would do them
good better than praises that do them
hurt.
1t is with true love as with ghosts
and apparitions, thing that every
body talks of and scarce anybody hath
seen.
The most disinterested love is, after
all, but a kind Of bargain IN which the
dear love OF our own selves always
proposes to be the gamer some way or
other.-ROchcfOucau
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
Oysters With, or Without?

Sitting opposite me in a down,
town oyster house the other day.
said Col. Abe Gruber, was one OF
those fastidious men who undertake
TO transmit instructions to the cook
through the waiter. He wanted a
twenty-five-cent milk stew. AS nearly
as l can remember these were his
Instructions:
NOV, waiter, kindly tell the cook
don't want the oysters and milk
merely mixed and heated. I want the
milk carefully boiled first. The oys
ters should then be added without the
liquor. The liquor should not be put
in until the seasoning is added. Be
very particular to get good, rich milk,
and nothing but the best gilt-edeed
butter. AS for the oysters, I want
Cape Cod salts. No ordinary stock
oysters for me. Do you understand?
81 think so, SIR replied the waiter;
but do you wish the oysters with or
withOut?'
s. ''With or without what?' asked the
customer.
Pearls, sir. New York Press.
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04
GUEssEs AT L,FE's PROBLEMS.

To many man age brings golf in
stead of wisdom.
Most people don't know what they
think until somebody tells them.
There is no place like home.'' But
no one would be satisfied with any
body else's.
Men who best understand modern
inventions are doing the most to rem
edy their defects
Most of the people who admire In
gals poem wouldn't know Oppor-
tunity it they should see her.
II we only could get along without
eating, or sleeping, or clothing, what
a lot Of money we would save.
Sometimes it is wrong to do to 9TH
ers as you would have them do TO you.
Every one hasn't the same tastes.
Sometimes when man. does things
without being told he gets his pay
raised and sometimes he loses his
job.
Statistics obtained by personal in
quiry of tramps show that none was
ever to blame for his present condi-
ton.
Many man has made a fortune
out of an invention that somebody else
thought of, but neglected to see it's
possibilities.
The man who makes the most fuss
about having been sold a gold brick
is the man who is most anxious to sell
it to somebody else.-Chicago Tribune.
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04

The most sanen, lea,.feG.I. .ue en-
vironmcnt of every one of rs is the
way we get our living. That's the
only Objectionable thing about bed
bug.
Heredity. home influence, early
training-all put together have not so
much to do with making us as the
way we get our living
If we do not get our living at all,
but inherit it or have an income CIV
en- us by someone else, that makes a
very distinct type Of man. Each en-
ployment stamps another type.
Individuals may vary within the
type, but no two mechanics will vary
as much as a mechanic and doctor,
for instance.
The fact that the vast majority of
men receive rewards propOrtiOned to
their efforts and abilities, and. that the
vast majority of women do not, is the
fundamental cause of the intellectual,
moral and temperamental differences
in the sexes.
No woman in domestic life gets
what she earns. If her husband or
father is moneymaker, she has
money whether she does anything for
it or not. If he can't make money, she
may work like slave for board and
clothes.
Nothing but the fact that their in
come is affected by the laws Of
finance, economics and government
has ever made men reason about
these things
Women don't reason about these
things in general, because their whole
relation to the laws that govern civili-
cation is Indirect
Their immediate economic environ
ment is the man who gets living for
them. All the rest is remote.
Put men and women under the same
economic conditions and they reason
in the same Way.-Minnie J. Reynolds
in New York Times
The Cook County herald., 1905-03-04

Rather than say nothing, men are
content to speak i'll Of themselves.
The La Jara chronicle. (La Jara, Conejos County, Colo.) 1896-19??, 1905-01-13

Senator Penrose objects to having
American publishers use the English
style OF spelling. Here is an interest
ing bill, in full, which Penro5e intro
duced by request, and is called bill
for the promotion of education:
THAT it shall not be deemed an in
fringement of any copyright granted
after July l, 1905, for any person to
reprint and republish any book. maya
zine. newspaper or periodical in which
words like harbor candor. armor and
honor are spelled with the insertion OF
~" before the "r," or where such
words as recognize. antagonize and au.
thorize are spelled with an IS" instead
Of e." or where such words as in
quire. inclose and indorse are spelled
with the initial letter an &C." or where
such words as stories and tories are
spelled as to the final syllable "eys";
provided that in the reprint what Is
known as the American way OF spell
ing Is adopted"
The La Jara chronicle. (La Jara, Conejos County, Colo.) 1896-19??, 1905-01-13
A City of "Joiners."

Guthrie is city of "joiners" In
fact, everybody there belongs to at
least one lodge, and some of them to
all of them. Frank Greer, editor of
the State Capital. heads the list. BE
recently Joined the United CONNER
cial Travellers. and this makes him
a member of every order in the city
except the w. C. 7. u, and he is
said to be an honorary member of
that.
Recently n new man came to GU
thrie and located Just across the
street from II. T. Swearengin, promi-
nent Scottish Rite Mason. One day
about weak later, Swearengin caught
a five-year- boy of the new neigh
borhood, as the lad was passing, and
after few preliminaries, asked II
his father was Mason. mo, sir"
answered the boy. Probably, then,
he is an Odd Fellow" suggested
Swearengin, but the boy said No"
Isn't your father member of any
lodge?" asked Swearengin, incredu-
lousy. Not a one," answered the
lad. "Then why does he make all of
those signs when he comes out in
front each morning?" asked Swearen-
gin. "Why, that's easy" said the boy;
pas got st. Vitus' dance."-Kansas
City Journal.
The La Jara chronicle. (La Jara, Conejos County, Colo.) 1896-19??, 1905-01-13
Would Restore the Rod.

Corporal punishment in the schools
Of New York was abolished more than
thirty years ago-to be exact, in 1870.
After this long disuse, the Globe says.
powerful movement has been started
or its restoration. No less than eigh-
ty-seven of the principals of New
York have joined in an appeal to the
Board of Education for the right to re-
establish the old method of enforcing
discipline and intoxicating in the youth
ful mind a love of learning.
Since the prohibition OF the rod the
only permitted ways of enforcing dis
cipline have been by censure, marks.
complaint to parents or transfer to
truant schools. The principals, or the
great majority of them. say that for re-
fractory pupils this punishment Is not
sufficiently biting. They want author
ity to play upon physical fear as mo-
tive controlling conduct. They point
out that in many of the homes from
which pupils come the rod. the slipper
and the hand are diligently employed
to stimulate obedience to and respect
for parents.
The La Jara chronicle. (La Jara, Conejos County, Colo.) 1896-19??, 1905-01-13
"1he Yellow Blessing"

In a recent issue of Japanese
magazine, Gicho Sakurai writes under
the title 1.-The Yellow Blessing" He
believes that, for various reasons.
which he lays down in detail, what the
Russians call the yellow Peril" will
be really blessing for the world. In
brief, the argument is to the effect
that, first the present war has proven
that Asiatic races are not morally and
physically inferior to Europeans; sec
ond, that they are not inferior to the
West in matters OF lofty moral ideas
that it is their vocation to spread the
humanitarian principles more widely
than they have ever been spread be-
fore; fourth. that the Japanese soldier
is really fighting for constitutional
government and against despotism.
fifth, that a Japanese triumph will
mean a triumph for religious freedom
as against Russian religious bigotry:
sixth, that one of the causes of
Japan's victory is the education which
is given in Japan without any distinc-
ton OF caste or creed; seventh, that
this war is holding up before other
Asiatic races a good example OF what
education and liberal ideas can do;
eighth, that with the termination of
the war, Oriental nations will be in a
position to improve their condition
along the ways of peace; ninth, that
Japanese triumph will be of immense
advantage to the commerce of the
Orient; and, tenth, that the Russian
people will themselves be benefited by
a Japanese victory.