The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-22

clvll1zer the jackass held the palm.
lie had proofs by the barrel. Up
to the time Cain killed Abel, accord
ing to his argument, man was bar
barian of the worst sort. Soon after
that sad event the first jackass was
foaled. Man began to improve at
once. The tribes and nations which
cultivated the jackass most improved
the fastest. The presence of the ami
NAL inspired sentiment, courage, no
bility of purpose. He made poets,
statesmen and warriors. AS long as a
nation chung to the jackass that ma
ton climbed steadily up. When it
threw the animal down in favor of
some other god. decay set in at once.
1T was nip-and-tuck between us
between the cocktail and the jackass
and the question was never decided
Let it be stated to the world at large
vided. Our friendship lasted for years,
and one day decided to give the pro-
fessor little birthday gift. I bought
a Jackass, hung garland of roses
around his neck, labeled him in an ap-
propriate manner and sent him off TO
my old friend 1t was with the best
intentions, sab, and yet the sentiment
was misunderstood. The animal was
returned to me with the message that
the professor was very busy and could
not receive me. That was the only bit
of sarcasm I ever knew the gentleman
to indulge in.
II ought to have passed it over as
the one joke of his life, but L was
foolish enough to let it hurt my feel
ings, and to send a challenge to my
old friend. You could have knocked
me down with feather when he
promptly accepted it. Yes, sab, he
sent a friend to me within an hour,
and of course there was nothing for
me to do but go ahead.
Next morning, sab, we made our
appearance on the field of honoh. I
did not intend either to kill or wound
my old friend. I planned to send a
bullet just near enough to scare him a
bit. Before the ground was paced off
my second went over to the professor
and asked him if he wanted to
apologize.
"Egad, sab, but you will not believe
me when 1 say that he had forgotten
the cause of the duel. While he was
trying his best to recall it he looked
around for prehistoric bones. When his
second got ready to place him on the
firing line he was digging in the soil. l
was willing to drop the matter then and
there, but the professor suddenly came
back to earth and walked over. to me
and said:
:. Colonel Bunker. we differ, sah-we
differ
g We do, professor, we do
:. You hold that the cocktail has been
that to the jackass belongs that honoh.
Sit down, sab, and we will go over it
again
q But we are here to fight duel.
sah,' 1 replied.
i" Never mind the duel. Civilization,
as L have contended, dates from the
birth of the jackass. Take the crea-
ton of the Roman empire as showing
his influence. While he was few in
numbers. there was no poetry no paint
ing, no songs. Love was a thing almost
unknown. AS the number of jackasses
began to increase sentiment began to
pervade the atmosphere. I have with
me, sab, reconstructed verse of poetry
the first one ever written, believe.
1t was written for the first of the
Caesars, and reads as follows:
" The river in its turbid strength is
flowing to the sea
The mountains rear their giant peaks in
grimmest majesty;
The hurricane, it awes us all; the cy-
clone takes our breath, .
But I'll stand by the big jackass until
1 meet my death.
at was impossible to go on, sab
utterly impossible" said the colonel,
land in a dignified way I turned and
left the field, and the professor behind
me. 1 had to go to distant part of
the state next day, and did not return
professor sent me a challenge, and an
hour later he followed it up in person
to explain:
s" Colonel Bunker. don't we differ as
to the relative merllS OF the JdchdSS
and the cocktail?'
"'We do. sah.'
"I thought we did. but was not
sure. What stand do you take on your
beverage, sab p
That it has been the civilizer of
the world
You are wrong. sah-all wrong. 1
could take a wingbone of the dodo and
reconstruct the bird and prove my
case [ am for the jackass, sab. first.
last and forever. If we differ, sab, and
if you care to uphold your opinions on
the field of honoh--
q There I had it, you see, but. what
was the use? Had accepted his chal-
lenge he would either have forgotten
to be on hand. or gone straying about
in the fields. l turned him aside and
let the matter end then and there. To
the day of his death he believed he
was right, and to the day of my death
shall believe in the cocktail. That