davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
GOT OUR MONEYS WORTH.

Kansas voted $500, 900 for a state
oil refinery. It has not spent any of
the money, and member of the legis-
lature calculates that the state has al
ready secured $1,000, 600 worth of fun
and advertising from the affair. He
argues that ''the luxury of having
twisted the tail of the Standard Oil
and having heard the octopus howl is
worth 100000 to any healthy, we'll
constructed people like those who live
in Kansas" The state has had $780,
600 worth of advertising, and the
Standard Oil company's reduction of
the price of oil has saved S400, 600 to
the oil burning people of the Sunf1ow-
er state.-Philadelph Record.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
FORMERLY OF KANSAS"

Usually when a Kansas man goes
down east he makes good. John H.
Whitson, who formerly lived at Gar
den City and who has visited in abb
lene, went to Boston few years ago
and has been writing books, His first
was Barbara, a Woman, Of the West"
followed and this spring is issued Jus
tin Wingate Ranchman.Ss Its scenes
are laid in Colorado and Include many
stirring incidents told in the fresh,
the touch of familiarity There is in
all Mr.. Wilson's work 3 vigor and
lucidity that takes hold Of the reader
and he is a credit TO Kansas. His new
book promises to be exceedingly popu-
lar in the west.-Abilene Reflector.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
GLOBE SIGHTS.

LFrom the Atchison Globe
Men never like yellow, but they all
like light blue.
We often think that lemonade could
be made of gooseberries
People are never satisfied with the
way a rich man handles his money.
The Topeka Journal asks: Are men
afraid?" You bet they are.
When you notice a woman's new hat,
you must also compliment it.
You will never know how many i'm
polite people there are until you become
bald.
Why do people say keep a stiff upper
lip?" It is the lower lip that trembles
when you want to cry.
After a man gets along in years he
can't tell whether a girl means it when
she smiles. or is only joshing him.
The first time a man tells his wife a
lie, he is not so ashamed as he is sur
prised and encouraged by the way it
goes.
Governor Hoch's Decoration day
proclamation is so beautiful and
touching that it will make people cry
for graves to decorate.
When we are particularly tired, and
a young person tries to entertain US, it
leaves us with the grievance that be
ing animated" is over done.
When a woman gets her homework
done early, she exercises considerable
control if she refrains from running
over to the neighbours and hindering her
while she tells of it.
The world contains few surprises for
a married man. Sometimes he goes
home expecting strawberry shortcake,
and gets rhubarb pie, and that is about
all that happens
People abuse circus men as much as
they abuse John D. Rockefeller. It IS
now said circus men use celluloid lemon
peel in their lemonade, and that the
big chunk Of ice you see in circus
lemonade is really glass.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
LINEs our ZOE NE pARsoN-

The Hen Club of the village
Got together and began
To assert, pre-empt and pillage
The fprerogative of man
And they did him good and soundly
From his pedals to his crown,
Irounced him and berated roundIy-
All but Miss Matilda Brown.
All! the troublesome dilemma
And the object Of attack
was the parson-got a blimmer
- In the middle of his back
Seems to us he ought to marry
Ieven months he's been in town.
And the speaker paused to tarry
With her eyes on Tidy Brown.
I'VE have given seven parties
IN the parlor of the church.
Maple sugars, a-la-carties,
But he don't come off the perch.
Mite societies we've handed,
Social teas-he must come DOWN.
SAID the Club; and then demanded
A response from Tidy Brown.
Needs Nee Ia a wife. and needs her badly;
MY! his cuffS are awful frayed,
Joined the chorus in and gladly,
All undaunted, undismayed.
Then the spoons began to rattle
And the tea began to flow:
Poor Matilda How their prattle
Makes her bushes come and go.
Now they fix her with their glances,
Now they stab her to the heart,
Now each teaspoon gaily dances,
Now each saucer plays d part.
It's reported you've been walking
It's reported true, guess
And there's been a lot of talking"
-Horance Seymour Keller in New Yorl
Sun.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR

TFrom the New York Press
Marriage is speculation; divorce IS in
vestment
people never know too much; they
think they do.
There is hardly ever any use in prac-
ticing virtues unless you prea,cn tneIn
verv loudly. because nobody will believe
it.
The girl with a tall neck that isn't
thin takes an awful mean advantage
of other girls to have also dark eye
brows and golden hair
There is hardly anything more char
acterfstic Of a woman than the way she
makes excuses to her mother for things
her husband does which she won't ex-
cuse herself.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
'sTHE FATHER OF THE NAVY


It has been stated that John Paul
Jones is entitled to be called "The
Father of the American Navy" in
view of his services to the United
States on the seas. but this is disputed.
Rev. J. NJ. J. Reade. of Minneapolis,
Kan, writes the State Journal as fol-
lows:
Commodore John Paul Jones is not
the father of the American navy. To
Commodore John Barry rightly and
justly has been accredited that honor"
John Paul Jones-his real name was
just John ePaul, by the way, he having
added the Jones' himseIf-entered
the navy six or seven weeks before
Barry. He was commissioned a lieu
tenant on December p. 1775. Barry
did not receive a commission until the
following February. Jones served
with by far the greater distinction. but
after the Revolution he went to Rus
STA and joined the navy of that coun-
try while Barry became the first
senior officer of the present American
navy.
Barry was an Irishman who came
to Philadelphia about 1860. He made
fortune as the master of a. sailing
vessel, and when the Revolution broke
/ out he offered his services to the Con-
tinental congress. He was placed in
! command of the Lexington and was
the first officer to capture a British
war vessel. When the present navy
was established in 1894. he was placed
in command with the rank of COM
modore.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
BY A WORRIED LOVER.

Ny faith, pray do not doubt. love,
know that you are true;
My trust is stanch and stout, love,
Whatever you may do.
But still I saw a hair, love,
Ihat on Smith shoulder shone,
It filled me with despair, love,
It looked so like your own.
You two were in the hall, love,
A little while before;
There was no light at all, love
A fact that grieved me sore.
And there strange sounds / heard, love,
That chilled my very blood;
They seemed, though that's absurd, love,
Like boot. heels leaving mud.
And when you reappeared, love,
Your face was rosy red;
That you were warm I feared, love
No other thing I'd dread
No Jealous notions could, love,
Disturb my heart or brain,
But still I wish you would, love,
If possible, explain
Chicago News.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Prof. H. G. Lord, of Columbia, was
talking in Philadelphia about American
humOr
our typical humor" he said, lis not
perhaps, subtle. It is too young to be
subtle. But. it is very much alive, and
very rich and fertile.
There is a story about absent mind
ed people that is, I think, a good ex-
ample of American humor. It runs, in
short passages, like this:
A woman put her baby's dirty clothes
in the cradle and the baby in the wash
tub. She didn't discover her mistake
till the child cried when she pinned its
left leg to the line as she hung it out
to dry.
"A man about to go for a ride, clap
ped the saddle on his own back He
didn't discover his mistake till he be
came exhausted with trying to mount
himself
Another man put his dog to bed and
kicked himself downstairs. He didn't
discover his mistake till he began to
yelp and the dog began to snore.
"A doctor put fee in patients hand
and took the medicine himself. He
didn't discover his mistake till the
patient got we'll and he became ILL.,
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
Mol Order Bareains.

A man in a neighboring town who
secured his wife through a matrimon-
lal agency is trying to secure a divorce.
Just another instance of finding that
mail order bargains are not just as
represented and that a much better
grade OF the same article could have
been obtained at home. Good enough
for him; he ought to patronize home
industry. The home grown article is
usually the best.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
Newest inning i'm Snakes.

A most remarkable and uncommon fly
ing snake" that was captured and killed at
Berry Plain, the home of Mr.. John S.
Dickinson, in this country, a few days
ago. has attracted wide attention and ex-
cited no little interest The curious reptile
was first noticed flying about in the air
with several feet of its horrid SnakeShip
dangling around, presenting the appear
ance, may be, of an ordinary snake at
tached to a strengthening bird.
AS far as is known it never once de-
seconded to the earth and craWled on the
ground after the manner of snakes, but it
would occasionally alight ! in trees and
catch such birds as best suited its appetite
and fancy.
1t was finally killed and measured and
proved to be five feet long and about one
inch in diameter of body. 1t had perfect
wings of good size, and these were cover
ed with feathers. Berry Plain where
the curious thing made its unceremonious
advent. and met its untfmeIy end, is one
of the finest plantations and homesteads
in King George, and, being situated on the
banks of the Rappahannock, it is conjec-
tured by some that the flying snake
may have come from an imDenetrable
marsh of the river or some neighboring
creek.
But this theory is not accepted by many,
for as far as can be learned, nothing bear
ing the slightest similarity to this serpent
or reptile, or whatever it is, was ever be-
fore seen or heard of anywhere in this
section of the country.-Richmond Times
Dispatch.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

An eastern editor advocates changing
Memorial day so that it will always
come on Sunday in order to get it OBJ
served with betting solemnity as it
should be. The chances are, however.
that lot Of frivolous people who now
have to work when it comes on a week
day would then turn it into more of a
Restivity than ever.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

The Montgomery county jointists
contributed nearly $4,000 to the state
school fund in the shape of fines, in
one day. before Judge Flannelly in
the district court last week Thirty
three Of them also gave a good bond
not to sell any more liquor for q
period of two years. Prohibition pro
hibits all right. when the law is en-
forced.-Erie Record.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

above everything else, a thoroughly
despicable character; yet was shylock
any worse than some of our modern
money worshippers? Did he compare
with some trust magnates, who poison
the public with diseased beef or who
drive their fellows to ruin by crushing
competition by underhanded and dis
I,crnest snnefhnds2
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

That hazy atmosphere lowering over
Central Kansas lately may be caused
by the gloom of a certain Abilene
statesman since it was learned that
Judge Elmer B. Adams will clean IN
lais unfinished business in the federal
court at St. Louis before going on the
circuit bench
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
BLAME BENT.

''Who started the row?'' asks the ST.
Joe News. This paper is not certain
whether it was Ross Stubs or John Q.
Royce, but there is a following out this
way who still insist that Bent Muir
dock started it.-Salina Journal
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
AS USUAL

There never was a time in which
there was such a demand for civic
righteousness as the present. Cover
nors, cngressmen, legislators, mayors,
everybody is following in. the wake of
President Roosevelt for purity in pub
lie affairs save the United States SEN
ate which is a little slow-as usual
Minneapolis Messenger.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Three thousand additional electric
lights are to be placed on the dome of
the capitol at Washington. 1t is not
anticipated. however, that they will
throw any light on what goes on
within the building.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
WHY NOr2

Social notes inform the country that
a somewhat famous woman wore
$4,000 worth of jewels at a recent
wedding in New York. Would it not
have served the same purpose if she
had worn a certified check for that
sum ?-Pittsburg Dispatch.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
THE PEACH CROP.

Fruit experts in the neighborhood
of Salina having declared that peaches
are now in the cup, doubling
Thomas remarks that he would feel
better satisfied if he saw them in the
dish.-Wilson County Citizen.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
THIS MEANS KANSAS.

The wheat crop, it is announced, is
so large that there is too much of it
to put in one corner.-Baltimor
American.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Mr.. J. Pierpont Morgan recently
witnessed an eruption of Vesuvius.
Mr.. Morgan is reported to have pro-
nounced it as dull when compared
with some of the eruptfons of Wall
street.=Atlanta Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
A HOT STORY.

About the warmest pipe dream turned
loose recently was the one circulating
in Paris the other day, that the nurse
was about to put the infant heir TO the
Russian throne in to bath of boiling
water.-Chanute Sun.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Up to the hour of going to press
Colonel Bryan has not followed Mr..
Roosevelts example in saying that he
win not be a presidential candidate in
lqnQ
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
IuDGE THAYER

In the death of Judge Amos NJ.
Thayer, which occurred in St Louis
recently, Missouri lost one of her
ablest and best men, and the nation
mourns the loss of one of her most
competent and conscientious jurists.-
Iron County Register.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
BUT IT IS NOT.

"All a woman asks is to be loved, -
says a gushing poet. Then all this stuff
about her wanting new bonnets and
jeweIry must be a vile slander.-Chi-
cago Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

eff good Deacon Rockefeller wants to
heap pious Goals of IRE upon the head
Of Kansas" says the Atlanta Constitu-
ton. flet him endow a permanent
cyclone relief fund and keep it well
advertised" But the deacon probably
uses only an oil stove and so hasn't any
Goals Of FIRE. And. besides, Kansas
hasn't any permanent cyclones.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

The Washington Post suggests that
Nan Patterson ought to employ Mae
wood as her press agent. Up to the
present time a press agent is enc of
the least Of Mans needs.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

The Abilene Reflector noted with
pleasure day or two ago that Farmer
Smith was a candidate for G. A. r.
commander. But he wasn't. The Nc
Fherson statesman has already gradu-
ated from that Office.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

There is bad news for the politicians
Of Delaware: 1t is reported that Addicks
is to retire from politics in that state.
This will cause a greater stringency in
the circulating medium than a total
wheat failure would in Kansas.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Aren't you glad you don't work in
the bureau of chemistry of the United
states DepartmentofAg Agriculture That
bureau is now to make an investiga-
ton of Iimburger cheese.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
A TOUGH PROPOSITION.

Another disagreeable feature about
Kansas is that there are more people
than there are offices to be fiiIled-and
there you are.-CoffeyviIle Record.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Now Emperor William complains
that he has been misquoted by the re-
porters- President Roosevelt suffered
the same way when he passed through
Kansas City two years ago.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Just think of a combination of Cy-
rus Leland, Farmer Smith, and Ber-
nard Kelly lining up to elect Pat
Coney G.. A. r. commander!
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
FALLs DOWN THERE.

The mayor of Chicago may be
strong on municipal ownership, but he
is everlastingly weak when it comes
to maintaining municipal peace and
order.-Philadelphi Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

It looks as though the action of Rus
STA in calling the removal of Count
Cassini from Washington to Madrid a
promotion" is enough to allow US to
do little fighting on our own account
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Secretary Taft opened the Repub-
ncan state convention in Ohio all
right, and he didn't use a crowbar to
prY the lid off either
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
AND THE CAR STOPPED.

A Muscotah man who rode for the
first time on a trolley car at Atchison
the other day, yelled whoa to the
motorman when he wanted to get off
Hutchinson News
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
THE STANDARDS SINCERITY. .

The utter insincerity of the Stand
ard Oil company in claiming that the
necessity of reducing the price of
American crude oil to the present low
price grew out of the vast overpro-
duction is shown by the fact that it is
buying Russian oil.-Cencordia Blade.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
THIS IS ONE WAY.

A woman with no other visible means
of support can generally find some man
who is willing to be married, and who
can afterwards be sued for divorce and
alimony.-E Gazette.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Poverty is priceless heritage. -
says Mr.. Carnegie. However, the fact
that it is priceless probably is not the
reason Andy isn't trying to buy it with
his three hundred millions.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

The Kansas City Star prints an edi-
toriaI on why Folk is in politics" It's
theory doesn't convince some of those
st. Louis boodlers, though
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

President Roosevelt and Secretary
Taft are also standpatters. They are
standing pat on the proposition to buy
in the markets of the world.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Secretary Shaw visited Topeka Thurs
day but he did not have the deficit with
him. He isn't carrying it around in his
v9oograt
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
KING ED.

The recent bear hunt of President
Roosevelt is very tame sport compared
with what King Edward OF England
has decided to do. He is going to India
to kill ELEPHANTS DIS
patch.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
BUT LEAVE THE. WATERS.

The Russians would oblige the
French by taking French leave OF
French waters.-Arkansas Gazette.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
DEMOCRACY N IOWA.

Iowa Democracy is to be recon
structed on the Bryan plan if anybody
care to know It is only fair to say
though, that Bryan received a larger
percentage of the vote of the state in
1900 than it gave Parker in 1904
Fort Scott Republican.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Was that keynote speech of Secre-
4ary Taft's censored after all?
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Which book would you rather have,
Mrs Chadwicl's or Nan Patterson's2
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
FRON OTHER PENS
WHAT I HAVE SEEN.

I never saw a purple COW,
With coat as soft as silk,
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I've seen some bright blue milk.
Chicago Chronicle.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Still the cyclone isn't half as danger
Gus as the automobile.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

What most railroads need is less reck-
aessness and more wrecklessness.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

It looks very much as though
Oyama may yet beat Rojestvensky to
VIadivostok
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
Whv &c PIeaded Guiltv.


The scene was in the court room IN Man
atee county. The sheriff had called the
witnesses in the case of the state against
Abe Johnson The state had announced
ready for trial and the judge had directed
that the prisoner be arraigned. He was
a short and very black, chunky darby and
clothed in garments of broadcloth which
had evidently belonged one hundred years
before to some white man of twice his
size and girth. He was charged with pig
stealing-the greatest offense known to
and understood that while a jury will not
find man guilty of murder they will
surely find him guilty of pig stealing. The
prisoner pleaded not guilty in his own
manner and words. which were: VIVA
dat yo' scuSeS me off Stealth haWg?
No iedge, I didn't do it" The judge
asked him if he had counsel, and after the
judge explained to him that counsel meant
a lawyer, he said: mo, sab, I amt got
would like to have counsel appointed, and
he said: Use got no money, jedge, to
pay i'm" The judge then said that he
would appoint a lawyer to defend him if
he hadn't the money without charge, and
casting his eye over the court room he
called upon a young lawyer just admitted
and said: Mr.. Jones, will you defend this
MANI" The prisoner cast his eye upon
the counsel and then upon the court, and
before anything else was said the prisoner
re1narked; ledge, you pint dat man to
pleads guilty and throws myself on de ig-
nOrance oh dis court" And the laugh
that followed touched the judges heart,
and made what might have been a peni-
tertiary term a short jail sentence.-CoI.
0. T. Green in the Ocala (F1a.) Banner.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Russia seems to be building paper
aavies instead Of the kind Mr.. Schwab
deals in
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

shakespeare's delineation of shylock
poztrays a man who worshipped money
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

SURE THING

Blanche Boies is released again. One
thing about Blanche, you VIII always
ind her in jail. or out of it.-Chanute
Sun.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26
HUMOR OF THE Day

First Waiter-Did that Arizona ranch
man give you a tip?
Second Waiter-I should say he did. He
told me if I didn't step lively he'd blow
off the top of my head.-Detroit Free
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-26

Itinerant Ike-Ever play chess7
Weary Walter-No; too much like work.
1tinerant Ike-Why, you can sit for an
hour or more without moving?
Weary Walter-But you've got to move
sometime, haven't you?-Yonkers States
man.