davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1905-03-16

JOHN f. ESTEII,
City Clerk.
Approved March 9. 1905. 80.
SAMUEL II. LADD, Mayor
Prs. fee, Sl.95.
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1905-07-27
Rube'S Gossip.
Mr.. Edutor:


Deer Sur:-Well, Mr.. Scribe,
I've jest come to the conclusion
that this is a gull darn funny
world we're livin' in. Maybee it
faint the world but the people.
Maybee so. You no sum people
are always lookin' for sumthin'
and maybee they find it and may
bee they don't.
Sum time ago, long haired,
full whiskered gent down East sed
that the man in the moon was
cracked. I'd like to no how that
Teller kin tell whether the "Old
Man. is cracked or not. Yes I
wood. Has he bin there and
talked with his nibs? Is this Prof.
like sum other people who say
that everyone who does not slob-
Der over them is cracked. By the
great chain lightenin' if these pee
pie Good see themselves as others
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1905-07-27
T4luldoon bas Nightmare.

minis to tay. I always did like
editoors; they how philosophical
tlndincy to create annthin' from
eyebawl deloosion.
Fer the binyfit av those who
think 1 thried to COLLECT me in
shurince, [ want to state most i'm
fattically that me Joompin' out av
the windy wur a case av mistaken
idintyty. l drained [ wur wan av
thin five cints in the shot ma
chine full av COON, an an Eyetal-
yam worked me wild pants button.
Me instinkt tould me it wud be
useless to chase him so I made oop
me mind to digist it anyhow.
Joost thin realized l wur in the
wrong room an had swallied some
vans hatpins. The dillycasy av
me position, wild foor inches av
hatpin in me liver, called fer i'm
minse mintal activity. It might
hov been the frappay or the rid
crawlers, divll a wanst do [ care.
That's the first windy I liver saw
that resimbled dure.
E. E. II.
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1905-07-27
>BY BILL NYE, JR.>

All the world is stage, and we
act the role of the clown.
Special: Another important
meeting was held by the striking
teamsters in Chicago last Monday.
Nothin' dom.
The Philadelphia mint has been
laying off large numbers of men
lately. They should not become
respondent, however, as there are
many other ways of making money.
It would be like walking into a
veritable death trap for a man
should he enter the state of Ken
lucky and try to demonstrate the
practicability of the so-called water
cure to our bluegrass neighbors.
A news item says that your aunt
Hetty Green is sporting brand
new bonnet, said to have cost all
of So SO. Such reckless extrava-
gance is surely setting a madcap
pace for Russell Sage.
A writer for this paper in a re-
cent issue made bold to remark
that shining pate is sign of
wisdom. At the same time we
may, with a certain degree of pro-
priety, point to the excellent crop
of headdress with which the ma
jority of us are so abundantly
blessed.
It is said that only 1000 women
in Chicago wear hoop-skirts. Can
it be possible that the feet of the
fair danes of the Windy City are
dwindling down to normal proper
ton? If so, the Anticipated hoop
skirt is doomed, for then they will
no longer be required to shield
the huge dead-weights for which
the Chicago girls are noted.
> > :
In New York City an ordinance
has been passed which prohibits
person from getting drunk oftener
than three times year. That's
easy. If the coin of the realm
should hold good four-month's
"cruise," three times a year, it
would make the aforesaid ordi-
nance look like a cancelled Rus
sian postage stamp.
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1905-07-27

see them, they'd find themselves
so badly cracked that the hull
bloomin' works wood likely be
spilled out if exerted. Yes they
wood.
That article known as impor.
lance seems to have inflated the
he'd of many a man to almost the
danger point. Yes it has. Sum
say it's species of loose works.
It's in the he'd ninty- nine times
out of hundred. A real impor-
tant gent seldom feels and scarsely
ever shows his Importance. No
he don't. It's the four hundred
and fifty dollar job man that feels
his importance so that the wheels
in his he'd goes round putty darn
fast workin' over time to invent
sum way to impress upon the
minds of the patient world that
81 am important He knows of
course that the thlnkin' world out
side of himself doesn't no a genu-
inc diamond from piece of crystal,
therefore his bug of importance
whispers through the trap door to
the clok works therein, that guides
his destiny. Men of importance
wear rock salt neckties, pin and a
glass diamond ring and the world
imagine that the bee of prosperity
has stung them. Yes they will.
You no I believe that if some
one wood get Importance patented
and put it up in half ounce bot
ties, there wood be lot Of men
foolish to work for their board so
as to have a bottle occasionally.
Yes they wood. You no that i'm
portance and its twin sister honor,
has been the means of infatin'
the thinkin' apparatus of many a
young man so as to make his $500
income look ten times its size and
caused him to play loose on the
long end and then at the end of
the spasm he came to behind the
doors of a birdcage. Yes he has.
Honor now-a-day is like blat-
ter full of wind, it's liable to soar
unless tied down. Yes it tbs. It's
a mighty good thing to have
large stock of, but unless your
stock has somethin' else to 60 with
it you'll find in this day and age
of the world that it's like eatin'
wind. It's not very fatenin'. In
order to become millionaire you
will be obliged to get your stock
heavily insured and fire it, or else
get IN supply of two ounce bot
ties of gall, and by judicious adver-
tisin' you might make fortune.
Yes you might. Let me say rite
here that it will take mighty lot
of salt and glass premims to at
tract the attention of the thinkin'
world SO as to make business prof
liable. Yes it will. l am think
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1905-07-27
A Trip to Fiji in '7S.
CHAPTER II.

SA1AA LIZ AA'
The natives are copper colored
and are we'll built physically, the
men especially; the women age
very rapidly after maturity and
are veritable old hags at thirty.
They have rather curious fashion
Of dressing the hair, always keep
ing it we'll creased. They Irvine
it around sea shells, pebbles, and
even pieces of knotted wood.
These things are never taken out,
but are added to from time to
time, until finally some of them
build up an edifice several feet
high. I might add also that the
dressing they do their hair is
about all the dressing they do, a
short skirt hanging from the waist
to the knees being full dress for
any and all occasions.
I was shown some very fine
specimens of clothes that were
formerly worn. These were very
deliberately made, and really artis-
tic. On ground of Tapa cloth
they embroidered sea shells in all
kinds of patterns, some shells
were not any bigger than wheat
kernel and of course all colors;
but all this has passed away, even
the method of making the Tapa
cloth being forgotten. It had ev-
identity been made from the inner
fibre of trees, and altho it is of
the finest possible texture, it is
practically indestructible. Cotton
cloth, brought in by the early
traders, however, superseded it en-
tirely, and Tapa became only
memory.
The native diet consists mainly
of yams. These are cooked in
several ways, of which roasting in
an open fire is the best. Former
ly cannibalism prevailed, but not
to such an extent in the Fills as
in some of the other groups of
islands in the Pacific. There is
still, or rather was at the time I
am describing, some wild pork to
be gotten, supposed to be de-
scended from pigs left by Captain
Cook. Fruit, of course, abounds.
The cocoanut, used mainly as a
beverage, and bananas. These
latter, by the way, the natives pre-
fer to eat cooked. They roast
them on hot stones, and they GER
tainly are very palatable as they
prepare them. They are also dried
and ground to a paste and then
baked. This makes a sort of
bread. The bread-fruit exists there
and is used, but it is not SO plen-
tiful as it is in the groups farther
north. Fish of various kinds are
to be had, even shark being eaten
by the natives. l tried a slice of
the latter once while we were
guaranteed at Sura. The flavor
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1905-07-27

is very coarse, and it is decidedly
tough. / was told some years
later by Chinese gentleman in
Melbourne that the only eatable
part of shark is the fin. which
he said was considered great del
icacy in China I was satisfied
to take his word for it without any
further experimentation.
In Fiji nobody seems to do any
kind of work whatever. It is i'm
possible to make the natives un-
derstand the necessity or the
dignity of labor. Their invariable
answer to any request requiring
even the slightest exertlon, is ''ma-
lu-a' (by and by. A couple of
hours work in week, by the wife
of course, will keep their yam
patch in order, and as for the rest
everything grows free. l must
say that the white residents are
not much better. Some of them
own plantations which they work
by imported coolie labor, and
others own mills for making oil
cake which is shipped in large
quantities. Most of them, however,
are traders, buying native prod
ucts from the petty chiefs and
shipping 1t to Australia; or in the
case of beche de mer, to China.
This latter product, the sea slug, is
gathered, however, mostly by white
men, beach-combers they are
called, horrible specimens of hu-
manity and most of them are ref
ugees from the western coast of
the United States. All of them
are wanted and some badly.
In describing the food products,
I nearly forgot the celebrated ma
tive drink, "Cava" This is drunk
only on great occasions, and then
only by the chiefs and their most
honored guests. 1t is prepared
from the upper mythisticum," a
species of which grows here and is
commonly known as water pep
per-" After a large quantity of
the plant has been gathered and
we'll washed, it is placed in small
heaps around a large wooden bowl.
Native girls sit by each heap and
after chewing the plant they eject
the saliva into the bowl. The
bowl being filled the liquor is set
aside to undergo a process of fer
mentation for two days, when it is
ready to be drunk. At the fest it
is handed round and apparently
much relished. 1t is very intox-
icating, but I never met a white
man who would own up to having
tasted it.
The habit of using "Cava" is dy-
ing out like all the other native
customs. The early missionaries
opposing it's use very strongly.
As a matter of fact, however,
whenever chief becomes convert
ed and abandones his so-called
heather habits. he generally takes
to the white mans liquor. I don't
know whether his spiritual welfare
is benefited by the change or not,
but the cheap Australian brandy
that he gets from the trading boats
very rapidly sends him to where
he can find out, in spirit at any
rate. 1897.
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1905-07-27

L lxtlnd me sympathetlc con-
.gratylations to annywan Unlisted
, wild somnambullstic tindincies to
perform abnormal gyrations
whin he's asIape. Nightmare is
not only ditrymintal to the hilth,
but it makes man swift could ice
wather from fallin' off av high
buildin's.
Amy docther, unliss he's
quack, will tell yez that bad drames
are caused from fat wheels in the
safety valve av the intillict. It's
q bad thin from a fzzycal stand
pint. Me assertion implies that
wheels are a predomynint factor
in the skulls av the human poppy
lation. Let me tell yez that no
Ioffnce is mint at all, because
annymals can have dranies also.
Do yez mind now, [ contracted
swim fiat wheels an saw quite a
noomber av stars in one day at
the same time. Yis! O'Grady's
galvynized beer sign fill on me
hid. Grogan. who wur in the evy-
dince sez, that, whin the metallic
soobstance collided wild me Imply
void, why it reslmbled the sparks
av romin candle. I got me re-
vinge all right, all right Yis sor
I sooed .O'Grady, but the joodge
tould me that I wud have to lose
me case an pay the costs besides
fer breakin' the sign. The un-
grateful writch, he niver mintioned
me hid at all, at all. AS wur
Ieavin' the coort room he called
me forninst the bar an fined me
five extry fer blockin' the CONNER
oial thrafic av O'Grady's trade.
That night I drained I wur
small kid smokin' me feyther's
dhudeen. Paper cigars an linn
burger! I had chawed the nipple
off the gasjit befoor the chazy
taste instygated me powerful fac
mites that wur gettin' asfxyated.
5 It's a fine thin fer me hilth that
] didn't drame av matches an in
oindyarism.
Annymated somnambulism is
refreshin' sloomber compared wild
the stationary kind. In the foor-
mer a man can room over the stove
or slip on the cat an wake himsilf
oop; but in the lather wan yez can
only lay sthill an swift icicles an
snowbawls. We have niver dis
covered the troo raisons av this
phenomeny on account av it's pro-
,clivyties to deevyate in the same
indyvidjooal worse the MKT time
than the last wan befoor that wan.
Me rale theory is, that soospinded
snDymation av the volition i'm
pades the cirkylation, which thin
projooces nightmare wild or widout
harniss.
I've had few sinsations mesilf,
an some av thin wild VARIATIONS.
Horryble as they wur, tits into
OBLIVION they all fade whin I re-
mimber me latest acrobatic fate in
Moo york. It might how been
the frappay or the rid craw fish, I
dunno; ayther wan or both, it
propygated SENSATIONAL attact av
pnnywine Crane somnambulism.
Yis! l fill out av the foorth STORY
windy av me hotil. Grogan has
imytated iverythin' but me high
dive, an amy ould time he wanst
to attimpt that, provydince can
save him, b'gorry wont. While
it niver faxed me fizzyology, it
frightined me wits wild consider
able intinsyty. "Hoo-raw fer the
ould Crane isle!'
Newspapers whit boogs praisin'
me ADVENTURE. They SEE, eff it
wurn't fer the protooberince av an
awnin', the wild POLITICIAN from
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

The receipts OF the police court for
the month Of March is $3.50. falling
off of aboct $500 over the correspond
Ing month OF last year. At the same
ratio the receipts OF the police court
for the year viii not be reduced over
$4,000 and this can be easily made UP
In street improvements alone. and
there are many other ways In which
expenses can be reduced.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Applications for fishing licenses con-
tinue TO pour In and Master Ffsl,
Warden Van Dusen Ia doing rush
Ing business. The fishermen seem anx-
lous TO aave the s2.5o by taking out
their license before the new law goes
into effect.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

There Is scarcely any snow In the
mountains this year, something un-
usual, and viii be OF great benefit 70
the Lewis and Clark fair, as there
win be no donger OF freshet. 1t win
also help the fishing industry on the
lower Columbia. and seiners viii be
able to begin work much earlier than
usual.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

The little girl mentioned In the AS,
torian as being seen in front OF the
Unique theater few nights ago. and
standing there for two hours, is a
half wltted child belonging TO a Mrs.
Brown. The child was sent TO the re-
form school at Salem by Sheriff Lin
vile. but for some reason was released.
The parents seem to have no control
over the child.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

The talk about increasln gthe taxes
Of Astoria is all tom foolery. The city
cannot levy but ten mill tar, the
same an was levied this year, as that
Is the limit prescribed by It's charter,
and the charter cannot be amended
for two years. BY that time the city
will have adopted itself to getting
along without gambling fines.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

An evening paper states that by
closing down gambling so men were
thrown out of employment. Contractor
W. A. Goodln authorizes the Astorian
10 state that he will give the so men
employment on the improvement Of
Duane street at good wages, There
IL no trouble for any honest man to
secure work in Astoria at good wages
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

immigration Inspector Larner ar
rested chInaman named Wong Ho
for being In this country unlawfully.
Wong was about to take a steamer for
a Washington eannery when he was
nabbed. He was asked to produce his
certificate, and the only one he had was
a forged one. He was taken to Port
land and will probably be deported.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Families desiring either Colonial
or shoaiwater bay oysters can always
secure them fresh at the Imperial
oyester house. which makes speciality
OF supplying families or parties.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

There viii be special service for
women at the Babtlst church this aft
ernoon mt O'clock at which7fRe
Ralph GILLIAN will preach. This even
ing he will preach at the Methodist
church and his subject will be ''Skep,
ticIsIn."
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Miss Laura Anderson OF Thirty
eighth street viii entertain the Dorcas
society this evening. Members and
friends are cordially Invited TO come
and spend a pleasant social evening.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Certificates OF the Improvement OF
Forty-thlrd street. between Franklin
and Duance at cost Of $3.50 and Du-
ane street. between Forty-third and
Forty fourth at a cost OF sl135. were
filed in the auditors office yesterday.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

There win be new millinery store,
The Elite. open up In the new carruth-
ers building on Duane street. next to
Hedricks theater. They have been
delayed with opening on account OF not
being able to find suitable location.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

The new launch being built by H.,
NJ. Leathers for the Columbia River
Packers Association Is nearly ready
for launching. She viii be chrlstenei
the Hazel.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

l.. Lebnk has moved the Peterson
saloon building on the lot on Bond
treet. facing the roadway leading to
he Calender dock. Mr.. Lebak Is the
ost experienced house mover in the
city and thoroughly understands the
business.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

More White Finu cough syrup haS
been sold In Astoria this winter than
any other kind, because II gives in
stant relief. The Owl and Eagle drug
store are sole agents for all the best
goods.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Thomas G. Coleman, the versatile
representative of Wadhams & Kerr
Bros. of Portland has been in the city
the past two days taking numerous or
ders for this popular house. 1t is re.
ported that last evening Tom attended
the revival meetings and when the
evangelist asked all who wanted tc
lead different life 10 stand up, Tom
was the first of the bunch to rise and
took out his order book as though eX-
pecting to make sale, or cancel those
he already had made.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

w. J, Hess has opened the cleanes'
and best appointed restaurant in As
toria at 100 Eleventh street, The best
In the market. ana the promp'est serv-
Ice. II
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

The funeral OF the late Charles Tur-
ina was held yesterday afternoon from
the Catholic church. The order OF
Forresters attended In a body. Rev,
Father Walters ofliciated and the in
terment was at Greenwood.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31
Perfection in Flour.

Our Log Cabin Flour, made by a
new process. will make more loaves,
larger loayes. and whittier loaves OF
bread than any -four on the market.
FoARD & STOKES CO.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Next Tuesday afternoon there viii
be meeting at the Methodist church
for the men and all Of the business
houses OF Astoria will sclose for one
hour in the afternoon.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

The Imperial chop house has com
pleted all arrangements for regular
dinners and are prepared 10 serve pat
ronn with the best dinners In the city
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Il. r. Allen & Son have just received
a carload OF wall paper In all the latest
patterns and designs which they are
exhibiting at their store on CONNER
cial street.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Contractor Goodln has o large force
of men at work improving Duane street
between Fourteenth and Seventeenth
streets. Crushed rock and cement
sidewalks viii be used.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

II. NJ. CASTOR. at his feed stable No.
iOb i4th street. offers for sale lands
harness machine: one butchers wall
scales, will be sold cheap.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

w whyte OF Boise. Idaho. has
taken charge Of the McCrea- Ford
studio for a time. and for the next 80
days will make the best $500 photo
graphs for 1850. See our work. Best
In the city
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Try q can OF shellingrs best Spices;
every can guaranteed. Your none,
back II II don't suit.
ASTORIA GROCERY.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

The occident tonsoriai parlors and
bath facilities are equailed by none.
Everything modern and up 10 date
See Peterson.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Do you know that the Mccrea-Ford
Co., sss Commercial street. are making
a big reduction on all photographs
during the Lentsn season7
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Courteous treatment. an abundance
OF amusement. together with n line OF
all popular brands OF liquid refresh
mcnts. has made the LaTosca popu-
lar rsaert.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

II. NJ. CASTOR carries a full ana
complete line of wagons. buggles
plows. harrows and all kinds OF farm
tools and machinery at 1906 Fourteenth
street. Astoria, Ore.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

New Goods.
Fresh Goods,
High Grade Goods, at
FOARD e. STOKES co.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

d. D. Young, the general coffee sales
man from Portland. who. IN company
with a jolly party OF knights Of the grip
attended one OF the local vaudeville
shows last evening, seemed very much
impressed with the lady in scarlet,
who reclprocatej heartily Careful d.
D.. we'll tell the bride.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Olives and Pickles In Glass. The
finest packed See
FoARD & STOKES co.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Olympic Pancake Flour. Del Monte
Buckwheat Flour. Now 10 the time,
today Everything In the musa line
always fresh at
FoARD q STOKES co.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

Astoria lodge of Elks yesterday COM
leted the purchase OF two lots 1OoxloO
at the northwest corner OF Eleventh
and Exchange streets, from the Astoria
Savings bank. paying therefor $4,000,
They will erect an Elks' hall on II in
the near future. 1t is probable that a
modern theater win also be built.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-31

1t Is probable that at the meeting OF
the common council next Monday night
an ordinance will be introduced pro-
vidlng for business and occupation
tax. The license win not be very
large. and is expected that It will pro-
duce sufficient revenues to make up
the deficiency occasioned by shutting
off the gambling licenses.