davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
Humor ane Philosophy
BY DUNCAN N. SMITH
PERT PARAGRAPHS,

Having rich relations is about as en-.
joyable a calling as a young man can
follow in life.
Falling in love is something that q
man can do easier the less practice he
has had.
Most any a is a brilliant CONVEX
sationalist when the subject Is him.
self and his listener is a clever WON
an.
Some people who talk pathetically
about leaving their happy home do not
know that their home is never really
happy until they do leave it.
1t is a mistake to suppose that the
sweetest kisses are the unkissed ones,
for they are generally in the keeping
Of some grabbed elderly lady.
1t adds u zest to idleness to know
that work is out hunting for you.
II the world owes every man a living,
It feels amply able to owe it In the
majority Of cases.
P~aradoxically enough. the people
who are always trying to work others
hate labor.
When we have introduced as the sub
ject Of conversation what we believe
| to be Il unique and choice assortment
Of troubles our listeners are apt tC
hurricGly switch the talk to a similar
| lot that they claim rs their own.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

even o r than
the play"
The leading actor
came 10 the foot
lights and retorted:
You have no
right to interrupt.
II YOU don't like
It, so outside"
Excuse me-" re-
Joined the lnalcon-
tent. II have the
right to criticise
what l have paid
for. If buy a
pound of butter
and find it Is bad, I
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

general staff. Under his direction the
Japanese officers and military students
who attended the school of the general
staff at Tokyo played the game of wal
invented by the Germans and known
as kriegspiel, and Manchuria was al
ways the scene Of action and the Rus
slams the enemy. Kodama, now fifty
two years Of age, is bronZed by expo
sure, II his muStache and goatee are
almost white, while the top of his head
is bald. He IS very short and weighs
less than 100 pounds, has been wound
ed several times and has lost the use
of one arm. An English correspondent
who interviewed him at I.iaoyang
found him just emerging from a hot
bath. He was in Il kimonO and slip
pers; but, sliding up into Il leather COW
cred chair, he dropped the slippers, and
from beneath the kilnono the bare toes
Of the great little man were to be seen.
He talked with Il merriment and dis
regard of formalities that would have
shocked Il stickler for the dignity of
gold lace and epaulets.
One dollar Il word is pretty good pay
for n short story. That is what Row
land Thomas Of Peabody, Mass. re-
ce!ved for his story which won the
$1,000 prize in the Golfers Weekly
short story competition. There We're
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

low price, he said, to give you for
your vote. We'd have done better by
you. We'd have given you $25.'
ut was not vet too late. The cleo
ton was two days off. The poor mar
wavered.
"'Would your he said. Would
you:'
ITO be sure we would said the
boss. Here, it isn't too late yet. Give
me the other party's twenty, and I'll
give YOU Il twenty-five now
1.-THE poor man made the exchange
joyfully, and thus the crafty boss had
the satisfaction Of causing his oppo-
nents to pay four-fifths of one Of his
own brihes."
George Bernard Shaw, the English
playwright, is very eccentric in his
ideas. his personal habits and his writ
ing. You Never Can Tell" his new
play. now running at the Garrick the
alter. New York, has a dentist for a
hero. 1t opens with the dentist pull
ing Il tooth and his pretty patient re-
clining in Il dental chair and crying
"Ouch!" as the refractory molar is ex-
tracted.
Mr.. Shaw is fond of saying sharp
thing and giving people a shock. He
remarked recently: I'VE are too
%squcamish about killing. There Is an
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
The Busy Microbe.

A busy as a hired man.
AS steady as a drummer
Or as a big electric fan,
Remorscless as a plumber,
The festive microbe works away
And doesn't get Il cent of pay.
1t never stops to make n kick
Nor on the job goes striking.
Nor roars II It can't turn the trick
Exactly to its liking,
But always keeps its lick intense
without II cent Of recompense.
As rapid AS a railway train.
AS patient az a river,
1t works away with might and main
Or stomach. lungs or liver.
1t never walks around the block
Nor wastes time looking ut thu
clock.
Once On Il time the honeybee
BY all was cOunted busy;
IT'S now the microbe. as we see,
Who sets n pace that's dizzy.
If we could follow in his ways
We'd all get rich in thirty days.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

said. You are not
to print another bill with all those
flouriSN"s before my name. You are to
see that in future my name reads as
simple Henry Irving and in quite
small type
The printer retired. Next day Irving
was Mortified to find the town flooded
with posters which announced that
"Simple Henry Irving" would that
night fill a certain role Mt the theater.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

fore he could get over his establishment
another mail brought two similar let
tiers, each with a $3.50 protest fee no
tice.
With visions OF having In some way
been despoiled Of his bank account,
Daniels made Il dash for the train,
missed it, and then, being unable to
reach the bank In time, was compelled
to wait till the next day. That after
Moons mail and the next mornings
mail brought fourteen more checks, ev-
cry M having attached to 1t a protest
fec notification. His bank never seem
ed SO far away before. But he reach
ed it ut last.
what" he pantingly asked the tell
sr--"what is my balance?"
"Twenty-three thousand dollars"
said the clerk. Then Daniels, with a
look OF injured dignity, said:
"Why, then, have my checks been re-
fused payment?"
because they didn't have the secret
mark you notified us Of"
Holy smoke" the comedian exclaim-
ed II forgot 1t! Great jumping Je-
hoshophat! And I have sent out over
100 checks"
Fifty-one checks went to protest, and
the fees amounted to $127.5O
Joseph Fields, the eleven-year-old son
Of Lew Fields, the comedian, attends a
private school where the pupils are be-
Ing taught bits Of French history. M
poleon was the chief topic Of discussion
the other day, and the teacher was
leading up to the emperor's life with
Josephine and their subsequent di-
'vOrcr.
"Now. Children" said the teacher,
"who can tell me what mean, con
ter,ptible thing Napoleon did to Joseph
Inc"
81 can" shouted young Fields eager-
~.
well. what was the mean thing he
did, my boy?"
"lIe married herr proudly responded
Fields.
Sir Henry Irving, who "a born
plain John Henry Brodribb, has always
shown Il desire to keep in the back
ground. On the playbills he appears as
simply Henry Irving In the same
type as is used for the name of the
humbleSt member Of the cast. But
-.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
The ReaNOn.

Van X.-Did you notice the glib way
in which that fellow pronounced those
Russian names?
De Q.-Yes; he's used to horrible
nomenclature; he's a botany teacher
Detroit Free Press.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
By Wireless
From the
Footlights

ISRAEL ZANGWILL, who has been
in this country in connection with
the staging Of his plays, was In
Philadelphia during the presiden-
dal election and at a literary club told
a story of a crafty electioneering boss.
This boss" he said, desired votes
for his candidate and hesitated ut moth
Ing in order to get them. He sent for
a poor man II day and asked this
man to vote as he desired.
"Oh, no. the poor man said firmly.
oh. no, l can't do that. l am already
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

Hue to the mum Der
of over 100. He
devoted the next
morning to sending
checks for them.
Two days later he
received word from
one Of the men to
whom he had sent
a check that the
check had been re-
fused and that
there G $3.50
---A-- ~ "
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
whom he hunted by his hard riding.

whom he hunted by his hard riding.
Although a %pretender to the French
throne, he does not actively push his
claim, and he never NEEDLES with poll
tics. When NJ. Felix Faure visited the
car during his term as president
Grand Duke Nicholas rode past him at
q review and saluted him. although, of
course. he regarded him al an usurper
Of his own place. President Faure re-
turned the salute. and they afterward
became good friends. the ear introduc-
ing them to each other.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

pTOIlllScu 10 tIlc Up
position
"'YOu are, ehY
said the boss. And
how much is the
opposition paying
your
"'Twenty dol
lars,' the poor man
answered.
1.-THE boss S u
ed an expression Of
disgust.
"'That was a
low price, my
friend. an unfairly
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

She-I suppose you would have me
loved?
He-Not ut all. I've loved scores OF
women. but you are the last one I have
fallen in love with.
She-Ncry well. Then I'll say yes.
As long as l am the last n you have
loved well get along all right.-Boston
Transcript.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
Better lump.
His Desire.

IT Roosevelt could have his way
And business did not press.
You'd see him pack his grip some day
And let the people guess.
He'd like to do II little stunt,
Free from official cares,
And have Il quiet little hunt
With no one near but bears.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
One Of the Responsibilities.

One Of the Responsibilities.
1.-THE responsibilities Of a parent are
very great"
Eyes. 1t requires a great deal OF
self command for a a to refrain
from telling all the bright things his
children say."-Washington Star.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

Wandering Willie-Why wudn't yer
wanter be a millionaire. pard?
Weary Raggles-What's de diff
ence? Dose fellers git lie dyspepsia
an hev de distressed feelin' arter eatin'
stead Of afore, OATS ALTON Wat
sons Magazine.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

He afterwaru To-
Gated in Delaware
and became a man.
u%facturer. He was
prominent inthepol
tics of Delaware at
that time. On his
removal. to New
O he became a
member of the Re-
publican club and
was chairman of
it's campaign CON-
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

1896 and r V
with credit in the
RuSso-Turkish val
His training has
been that Of a cav
airy expert. and his
position in the ar
my is that Of In
spector general of
cavalry. He is hon
a colonel of
regiments in Aus
tria and Prussia. il
credited with intel
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
An Intelligent Listener.

EYES" Colonel Bragg was saying, 1T
was an awful experience. While I was
passing through it l felt sure that even
II I escaped with my life it would leave
me hopcless!y insane"
"And didn't it," asked Miss Fether-
brane.-Catholic Standard and Times.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

nearly every thea
ter in the United
States. Her maid
en- name was Julia
A. Wagstaf. and
she was born in
Cha1haln, England,
April Is. 1898. Her
father was a band
master in the Brit
ish army and was
sent to Bermuda.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

ovil!' s'his tSD AS
was acting in the
provinces and those
responsible for the
bills issued posters
on which be was
mentioned as "the
famous Mr.. Henry
Irving"
Irving ut once sent
for I'll" head printer.
LOOT; lcre.' lie
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

tlat no
sectional lines now
exist in the United
States and that all
within the bounds
of the republic are
Americans devoted
to one common
flag. General Lee
is one of h last
surviving officers
Of the Confederate
army who held the
rank Of lieute
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
The Drawback.

The Drawback.
II h G alt h is
wealth and JOY
unmixed. ........
The man with
health should
be we'll fixed y.
And free from
every care, but,
dash 1t, "......
You cannot al
ways cash 1t!
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
A SLY Poke.

Tess-Whcn l met May today l had
my new gown on. OF course l expected
her to say something about it, but she
pretended not to have seen It.
Jess-Yes. she's IN awfully consider
ate and tender hearted girl.-Philadel-
| phia Press.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

said that kOdam3
laid out the main
features of the plan
Of battle against
the Russians about
three years ago
while assistant min
lister of war. He
has since been min
lister of war and at
the outbreak Of hos
tilities was assist
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

tuTee prizes at
stake in the con-
test. He won the
first with a story
whose scene of ac-
ton is the Philip
pines and whose IT,
tie is Pagan" 1t
Is Il tale of an I'M
tamable savage life;
the story of a rO-
bust negro who be-
camp a soldier in
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

OF an enomy's guns
orcf III" powers that
be in the British en-
pire and always
speaks out what he
thinks. Many sto-
ries are told illus
trat.ng his breezy
personality. Lord
Charles was once
Dreai;fusting in q
small country hotel
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

immense number of
people living in May
fair who ought to be
~guillOtined."
Sir Charles Wynd-
ham recently told an
interviewer Of his
first meeting with
Mr.. Shaw. "In those
days" he says,
"ShaW would not
have a bit Of linen
about him, He o
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
His Moneys Worth.

Indignant Old p~arty-IIere, boy; you
told me there were 400 lives lost, and
the paper only says 200.
Bust Newsboy-Ah, what do you want
for a cent:
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
why Tie Passed 1t.

Denby--l hear you passed the plate
In church last evening.
HOwell-Yes. didn't have a cent with
me.-Tarrytown (N. " News.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
A Woman's Reason.

"Why did she marry him when she
knew that he had Il streak Of Yellow"
perhaps she thought he would
match the color scheme Of her ward
robe"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
Then He Moved.

His lines We're cast in pleasant places
Far from the maddcning crowd.
He was feeling fine TIL he saw the sign
mo fishing here allowed"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
When They Liked II.

She sang about the birds and bees
And apple blossoms on the trees,
And made a most tremendous hit
The very moment that she quit.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

Charles H. Treat, recently appointed
United States treasurer at New York
by President Roosevelt. is a native of
Maine and began life as an associate Of
his father in the Cuban sugar industry.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
Limel19ht Stars.

Eyes, a sudden shock often causes a
person to see stars. l saw Il few once"
ibid you receive Il shockY
eyes. when l asked ut the ticket Of
nee the price Of a front seat."-Chicago
News.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
Not Good Risks.

"Listen; the judge is about to charge
the jury"
From the looks Of the bunch l think
be will make them pay cash if he is
wise"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

sense and Is famous for his horseman-
ship. On a visit to England some years
aga he astonished the sportsmen with
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

the Philippines. who
deserted and reverted to a sort Of saw
age state and was at last killed by
head hunters in whose country he
sought refuge.
Mr.. Thomas was born at Castine,
Me-, in 1870 and Is the o Of the Rev.
Lewis ]. Thomas. a Congregational
ministtr r. Young Thomas graduated
from Harvard, summa cum lande, in
1901. and at once went to the Philip
pines, where he devoted himself to
gathering material for writing. He
travelled extensively in the archipelago
and spent two years there studying the
condition Of the natives and Of the
American troops. Since his return home
he has been engaged in writing for va
rious newspapers and magazines.
All boys like to earn Il few pennies
now and then. but Mark Twain tells Of
a very unusual way in which he once
made the princely sum of S. rs Il small
boy. At one school he attended there
was 4 strict rule against marking the
desks. Any boy discovered mutilating
a desk must be punished. being offered
his choice between paying S. or TAX.
ing Il public whipping. The irresistible
combination Of Il shiny topped desk and
a brand new knife in his pocket was
too much for Mark. He succumhed to
the temptation and whitfield away un-
til the teacher caught him. The punish
mcnt was set for the following day.
and Marks father. thinking it a pity
the lad should be publicly whipped,
gave him a lecture and a FIVE dollar
bill. Five dollars looked pretty big to
Mark. He thought it over carefully.
and when the time came, with the bill
In his pocket. went up and took the
whipping.
In the reorganization of the Russian
forces in Manchurla for future opera
tons against the Japanese the Grand
Duke Nicholas N~icholaevitch is like
ly to have a prominent part and to fill
some responsible post. He is 4 son Of
the late Grand Duke Nicholas. who
was a brother of the late Emperor Al
exander IL. He is therefore Il second
cousin of the reigning emperor. Nicho-
las II. The grand duke was born in
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03
Folk Who Are
In the Limelight
OF Publicity

TIME battle of Mukden has added
new laurels to those already
won by that great japanese SOL
der, Baron Gentaro Kodama,
lieutenant general and Marquis Oya-
mas chief Of staff. The battles won
In Manchuria were but the execution of
his plans. He began scheming out the
M%anchurian campaign almost ten years
ago. soon after the Chino-Japanese
war. Time and again his assistant,
Major General Fukushima, who has
ridden all over Manchuria on horse
back, has drawn charts for him show
Ing every mountain and road, every
stream and town and hamlet. and it is
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

LORD Charles Beresford, who is a fire.
Qucnt visitor in America. is Il great ad-
mirer of American institutions and has
come - feel very much at home among
Americans. Condor Charlie" as he is
known for his heroic exploits in the
Mediterranean, has fought for the in
te.csts of the British navy both in the
CT commons. lie is not afraid either
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

Charles Hawtrey, who is playing in
"A Message From Mars" tells a story
OF a first night he once attended at an
Australian theater. A gentleman arose
during the third act and, standing on
bis seat in the gallery, shouted:
"This Is Il bad play. and the acting is
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

"Sir, once
Jumped six
teen feet and
got 500"
III Ia! l
once jumped
q claim and
got gold
mine"
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03


set Il cup of coffee over the clean white
tablecloth. which the good lady of the
house had dug up from her most sa-
cred linen cupboard for the benefit of
the British admiral. Unfortunately
the upsetting Of the steaming coffee
also upset the .lady's temper, and she
soundly rated Lord Charles for his
wan Ct tact. Its a good thing for
you" she said, that the coffee has not
left much stain OH my CLOTH" ut was
too weak, madam" replied the admi-
raj. You'll have to stain your coffee
before you al expect to stain your ia
BILE linen. Use more beans. ma'am;
use more beans"
The admiral tells this story on the
kings physician, Sir Frederick Treves:
Lord Charles fell Ill, and Sir Frederick
was called to his bedside. Tell me-"
said Sir Frederick, ''yOur symptoms"
The patient said he had a pain here,
an ache there and a stiffness some
where else. To. each of these announce
menfs the physician exclaimed, chuc-
king delightfully."-: Excellent! Charm
ing. SDlendid!"
When Lord Charles had concluded
the enumeration of his troubles Sir
Frederick slapped him heartily upon
the hack ana cried:
"My dear fellow. let me congratulate
you. You have the rarest disease of
the century. You have, you lucky dog,
a disease that heretofore was thought
to be extinct"
General Stephen D. Lee of Missis-
sippi. the distinguished ex-Confederate
officer who is now commander In chief
of the United Confederate Veterans, re-
Gently issued a proclamation praising
congress for passing the measure relat-
ing to the return of Confederate bat
tseIlags and commencing President
Roosevelt for his prompt signature Of
thu bill. He says this action is fresh
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

II b'lieve I'm gettin' dis here spring
fever"
Huh, it's chronic wit me. l suffers
from it all through de year!"--New
York World.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

Joseph Jefferson, Margaret Mather.
Maude Adams and other leaders of the
dramatic profession in more recent
times or ut the resent. For years she
played ut the Old Bowery theater and
often in those days acted in tragedy,
mclodrama and farce all in the same
evening.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

WhPn The ECONOMY bug" rs It was
called. was infesting every congress
fional committee which had to do with
supply bills. Il man who was smoking
e. cigar vent into the room of the SEN
ste committee on appropriations. Sena-
ter Spooner WaS there.
us smoking permitted here:" the
man asked.
"Evcryt!ing is permitted here" Sen
stor Spooncr replied, except appropri-
%E.tiOnS."
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

IIIVlVV. III 1CCS IUC
late President Mckinley appointed him
collector Of internal revenue for the
Second district of New York. His re-
cent appointment came US a promotion
from that position.
The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1905-05-03

Having rich relations Is about as en-.
joyable a calling as a young man can
follow in life.
The Barre daily times. (Barre, Vt.) 1897-1959, 1905-09-29
UNIONS RESPONSIBLE
FOR LIMITED OUTPUTS
In Boot and Shoe Trade, However, Or
gained Labor Has Achieved
Best Results.

Washington, D. G., Sept. 20. The con-
clnsion is reached in d recent publiea-
ton Of the United States bureau Of labor
on the subject Of restricting the output
of manufacturers in this country, that
in a majority of 80 industries inyesti-
gated, labor union are responsible for
such restrictions. In the meat packing
industry and in the manufacture Of
cigars and cigarettes this condition Of
affairs was found to me remarkably true.
In the boot and shoe industry, however,
quite the opposite is the case.
Under hand work 100 pairs Of mems
medium shoes took 1881 hours labor,
while in 1895, under the machine sys-
tenn, only 234 hours were used. Compar-
ing two establishments of equal size and
efficiency, one union, the other non-union
ii is found that in the union establish
ment 100 pairs Of shoes were produced
in 203 hours, while in the non-union
they required 224 hours, difference of
9.5 per cent. in favor OF the union.