Martinsburg statesman. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1869-1906, 1905-05-26
UNCLE
AND HIS WILL.


and sent the peas rafting into pan
between his knees; then he took his
pipe from his mouth and yawned
broadly
SLOW job, this shellin' peas, amt
it,.
yes" said l. Il often wonder that
no one has invented a way of Smelling
them by machinery
Invention" he snorted. Don't
ever say invention to me again. l
wish every Teller that ever invented
anything was hung"
was much surprised and asked
him to explain. After some coaxing
Mr. owens complied with my wish,
and began:
Yer never seed Marias (my wife's)
Uncle Ephum, did yer? No? Well, the
old man was a queer I'm, | tell yer.
Richer'n the steel trust, he was had
thirty acres err 'op gardens and fish
wier and a quarter interest in mack
erel boat and Lord knows what more,
besides lot of cash in the bank.
the only near relations he had after
his wife, Ant Olindy that was, died,
Well, Siddie and her old man and
Maria and me fingered considerable
on the old mans money and who was
agoin to get it when the old man peg
ged out Siddie and her tribe wasn't
on speakin' terms with me and Maria.
OWN to a leetle squabble we had
over a dog he owned that bit my brin-
die heifer and scarf her so she run
onto the railroad track and got made
into hash by the up train. There was
lawsuit and one thing er another ter
add ter the general good feelin' be
sides.
So me and Maria guessed that none
of the money was goin' to Siddie, and
Sidde said the same thing about us.
Uncle Eph was kinder impartial, as
yer might say. One spell he'd be for
us and have his will fixed up so as
we could get everythin', and the next
thing yer know he would twist around
and leave it all to tother side of the
fence.
Fust off he came and lived with us.
and he was a trial and no mistake
cross-grained and fussy and deef-
why, he was so def that a cannon
might have gone off by his ear and all
he'd say would be, What? Why don't
you speak louder?"
Men Maria put up with it as best
we could and never give him any back
answers and did our best to please
him, KNOWN quite well that the meek
inherit the earth.
But he oVerdone it, He was dread
full fussy about his eatin', and one
time he took a notion for gooseberry
pie Nothin' would do but he must
have goOseberry pie. So Maria she
cooked big one and he ct most the
whole of it and was awful sick, and
swore we tried to poison him. He
had his will changed, leaving every
thing 10 Sddie, and went off and lived
with her and her old man for most
year.
We was purity down in the mouth.
but eyerythin' comes to them who
waits, and bimeby he had row with
Sidde that beat the one he had with
us all to pieces. Yer see, Sfddie's old
man is an inventor. Up to that time
nothin he had invented was worth a
cent, but he kept at it just the same,
persistent as a hen that wants to set.
Well, Uncle Eph took notions over
there, same as he had done with us,
and it came about that he thought the
flies ives pesterin him at night arter
he'd gone ter bed. Seems as twas Oc-
tober; | guess the flies was mainly
imagination, but he said there was
millions of EN- round him every
night. and that he couldn't get a wink
of sleep.
So Siddie's old man went to work
and invented a machine for driving
away the flies. He argued that if you
were campin out, or fishin' or any
thing where there was lots of flies.
that they'd bite like everythin' when
it was calm, but if a breeze came up
they would all go off So he rugged
up a contriyance to hang over Uncle
Eph's bed. Twas a kind of a wind
mill thing like them fans they have
in the city eatin' houses. 1t hung
right over Uncle Eph's piller and
could be raised or lowered and pulled
by a string to start it goin'. There
IVES a windmill on the roof that was
connected with it and give it the pow
er
Wei, the very first night Uncle Eph
tried it he laid down. lowered it close
to his face and hawled the rope that
set her a buz2in and went to sleep.
Middle of the night he wakes up and
heard a noise and thought twas
thieves come to torture him for his
money. Sc he sets up in bed and
whack. one Of the arms of that ere
hymill caught him right on the ear.
He thought twas burglars sure, then.
ana hollers. MURDER" and Help"
huff to wake the dead. An every
time he'd sit up that hymill would
knock him down again. He was purity
nigh used up when Siddie and the old
man got to him.