The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1905-08-18
AN AMATEUR smuGGLER

Washington Star: A. tall, cumbersome
gentleman swung aboard the Chevy
Chase car the other morning looking n
fresh az the daisies by the roadside.
Hello. BILL" said the sandy-complex-
toned person in the back seat. when did
you get back to this neck O. the woods
Last I heard OF you. you'd gone abroad
with your wife to see the sights of the old
country"
.Oh, I've been back a month, respond.
ed the cumbersome gent. But my better
half is still across HI pond with her kin.
folks"
Right here 1t should be known tina the
tall, cumbersome gentleman is ofsthe deal
typeAat least. he has that reputation. To
be sure, he smokes occasionally, but he
looks Q upon the wine when it is red. and
on Sunday he teacehs Sunday school out
K~ensington way. In other words, he IL one
of those %scrupulous persons who walks the
straight and narrow like an amateur
walks a tiGhtroXe. HS married a clever
little lady Of the mlschevious sort, and
that is the cause OF this pitiful tale.
Have a good trip?" asked the sandy
| person in an effort to maintain the con.
%versation.
Fine. fine" replied the man with the
scruples, except that the wife worked
n of her rude and rasping jokes on me
when 1 came home, and as a result my
conscience will worry me for the rest Of
sAy NoSSs AAASSS OAllG AOlhS oSOIl "
have a mania for smuggling goods through
the custom houses, and l blush to admit
That my wife is not an exception. Well,
sir; when I received a cablegram from
my boss to hurry home at once on import
ant business 1t was decided I would have
to come home alone. The day before I
was to sail my wife blew into our apart
ment at the hotel with an armful Of
truck which she calmly announced she
was going to put In. my trunk.
When she u%nwrapped the stuff I saw
laces and gloves and peekaboo apparel
until you would have thought she was
travelling agent for a ladies' furnishing
house.
do you expec me to lug that line of
goods to America with me- 1 asked.
Certainly she said.
But the duty will amount to so much
said I, while if you bring the stuff over
you can get it in free as wearing apparel.
" That is just why l want you to take
IT., replied my wife. You can smMggle
this in. and then when l come l can bring
some more
We'll. sir, when that word 'smuggle'
reached me I nearly passed away. I'll do
almost anything but lie and steal, n to
my way OF thinking, smuggling Is q little
of both.
'smuggle it in,' 1 gasped. Why Cath
crime. what do you mean?'
II mean smuggle it in retorted hat
wife OF mine. Just put some OF 1t here
and some Of 1t there where the customs Of
1cers won't look for it: tip the Inspector
= IS note, and you'll squeeze 1t through all
eight
The next ten minutes was devoted to
one OF the red hottest curtain lectures
you ever read about. I handed her enough
good husbandly advice about honesty and
truthfulness to fill eight books, and when
finished / thought I had put her on the
quiet. She whimpered a bit and said some-
thing about my being cranky and rude
and mean, and then she went off to bed.
1t took me an hour to quare myself,
but she promised to never mention snug
gle to me again. She acknowledged 1t was
wrong to smuggle, and the family hotili-
ties were dispensed with. Bright and ear
ly the next day I set out to give the part
ing hand to a few London friends and
when I returned home I found my Sara
toga packed and ready for shipment. I
thanked the little lady and we made
tracks for the boat. The adleus We're the
real thing, and all the way over to this
side of the briny I was cherishing the
thought that I had the dearest, sweetest
and withal the most reasonable helpmeet
that ever Joined hands with a mucker like
yours truly.
AS we hove to off New York I was
handed a telegram from my boss-not my
wife, understand, but the boss what hands
me my w~eekly-saying as I must hotfoot
to Chicago without even giving my squtnt-
ers a treat to glimpse at the Bowery. So
me for the train, and my trunk was
stacked up in front of the door at our
comfy bunk house neal Chevy Chase
lake.
I'm the course OF two weeks I pulled
stanesD in the west and steered for home.
Everybody was tiekled foolish to see me.
including Don, the dog, and Niggin, the
cat. The trunk-was there, and as my lin
en- was all to the bad, I pried open the
lid. There, staring me in the face, was a
note IN a dainty blue envelope addressed
to Walter, dearest Talk about your
mushy superlatives and saccharine moth
ings, the first page was so full CT them
have been displayed. But the second page
its a sin and a shame to discuss 1t, and
I wouldn't tell you about 1t IL you weren't
a pretty good friend Of mine.
Turning over the new leaf, the epistle
rambled something like this: 'Now, Wall
ter, my love, unpack you trunk carefully.
When you come to you tuxedo coat, look
in the inside pocket and take out a pair OF
long kid gloves. In the outside pocket of
your tuxedo you will find two more pairs
OF gloves, while stitched inside the lining
OF your brown silk smoking Jacket o
will encounter a few yards Of Irish point
lace "
''What do you hin Of that7" demanded
the tall. cumbersome lad, showing his
rage. And that wasn't all. by a long
shot. I found eighteen other varities Of
ladies' wearing apparel in that trunk. and
capped the climax by %uncovering a small
pearl necklace that I had never cast my
squinters on before. AT the end Of the
doleful note that sweet and demure wife
of mine said. That is about all l can re-
member, Walter, but examine everything
carefully, my darling. because you might
run across something else. You are such
a dear, sweet husband, and as an amateur
smuggler you can't be beat
The sandy-complexioned person sup
pressed a smile but the rest of the COM
muters in the back seat gave the blue
eyed lad the merry ha! ha!
And now, gentlemen" resumed the
amateur smuggler, 81 want YOU advice as
to the better manner In which 1 can chas.
tise that better half Of mine when she
shows up on the premises"
The commuters shifted u~neasily In their
seats, but there were no volunteers.
Change cars for Georgetown and the
avenue" bawled the conductor, and the
farmers wendell their respective ways