davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
Statistics Via Machinery.

The census department of the Unit
ed States has machine that complies
statistics, and this machine has been
copied by the census departments of
many governments. The machine re-
cords upon specially prepared cards
certain facts, and then tabulates them
Mechanically. This device has proved
srch success that it has been adopt
ed by many of the great railway sys-
TENS for the classification of their
freight business and for calculating
and classifying accounts. The cards
are punched with small holes and
they are fed into pin box. Each
hole is Of a different size unless the
classification is the same.
When the cards are fed into the
pin box the automatically governed
pins find their way into the proper
hole-and the facts on the cards are
registered and the figures put down
automatically. These cards are fed
into the machine at the rate of one to
the. second and the machine never
makes an error. If the wrong card is
fed into the machine it stops, refuses
TO accept the card, and runs up lit
tie sign announcing mistake.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
A CONGRESSMAN'S SHOES

An apt illustration of distinction
without a difference occurred recently
in Washington shoe shop, according
to the story Congressman Sulzer tells
on one Of his colleagues.
Mr.. Suffers friend, it SENS, has been
a great sufferer from rheumatism, so
that one foot has been affected by it
and has become trifle smaller than
the other. He ordered his shoes made
accordingly. His directions were
obeyed, but when he visited the shop
to try them on, he picked up the small
shoe first and attempted to get it on
the larger foot.
Look here" he exclaimed in a
burst of petulance, Il told you to make
one shoe larger than the other; in
stead of that you have made one
smaller than the other!"
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
PARALYzED THE AUDIENCE.

When Colonel Jack Haverly was
In the heyday of his career the min
strel show at his Fourteenth street
theater was an institution of national
prominence. The Wednesday matinee
there was the "trying out" perform
ance, when applicants for engage
ments We're given an opportunity to
appear and show what they could do
Some one had enlisted Mrs. Haverlys
interest in team of young clog dane
ers, and she induced the Colonel to let
them go on. When they did their
turn" they proved to be, in the theat-
rical parlance Of to-day, "the worst
ever" They could scarcely dance at
all and there was not the slightest
hint Of applause. The audience was
as still as a church congregation Nat
urally the Colonel was indignant and
Mrs. Haver]y was deeply mortified.
At the end of the performance the
young dancers went to the Colonel's
Office.
We'll, boys" said he, trying not
to be harsh, "you did your turn. You
had your dance-but I can't engage
you.'
why not?"
Because you didn't get a hand.'
"Oh, know that" spoke up the
smallest one; eve just paralyzed
them"
On the strength of that answer, &C.
cording to Mr.. Alf Hayman, who was
present, the Colonel then and there en-.
gagged them as members of his famous
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

daft over that picture when there is
a vital defect in it,
How so? I can't see anything but
beauty
"How so? Plain as can be. How
can an echo be a woman? Why, an
echo never speaks until it is spoken
to, and every time it repeats what it
has heard continues to make it less.
Now, how could woman typify any
thing like that? No, sir; that picture
is a libel on womankind and that ar
tist don't know human nature. The
things a fraud"
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

minister came across the following
notice, which he read: "Mr. Libbius
Porter desires the prayers of the con-
gregation, that his loss may be sane
titled for his good"
Signs of repressed merriment ap-
peared through the congregation, but
the cause was a complete mystery to
the young minister, who upon arriv-
ing at the home of Mr.. Fisk for lunch
inquired of Mrs. Fisk the cause of the
unseemly hilarity.
She informed him he had read an
old notice, used by her husband as a
book-mark. 1t had been presented
by Mr.. Porter year or two before,
upon the death of his third wife. Mr..
Porter, with his fourth bride, sat in
the congregation while it was being
read.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
CAT PART OF FURNITURE.

Oversight Cause Of sIeepless Night
for Occupant Of ParIor 3.
Dan O'Connell relates that while
stumping Massachusetts for Bryan in
'96 he put up one night at hotel in
one of the western cities of the state.
and he was assigned sleeping quarters
in "parlor B."
Despite the fine sounding name.
O'Connell found 'parlor B" anything
but comfortable, but made shift to
dOze off at last. Then something
woke him very suddenly. He sprang
out of bed, and a mouse fell from his
head to the floor. It had just COM
pleted nest in his thick brown hair.
After throwing all the available
bric-a-brac at the intruder he sue
ceeded in driving it to hole in the
wall, but as sleep had now become i'm
possible, the silver-tongued orator
arose at dawn and sought the Office,
where he found porter polishing
shoes.
you're up early" remarked the
boy.
*'Yes. 1 don't care to be eaten
alive" growled the spellbinder.
'Gee!" exclaimed the youth. *I'll
bet they put you in 'parlor B. If had
known that you could have had my
cat. Humph. That new clerk is dead
slow, anyway. He ought to know by
this time that a cat always goes with
'parlor B."
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
in Arkansas.
Senator Berry of Arkansas is re-
sDOnsible for this story.

Senator Berry of Arkansas is r.
sponsible for this story:
A man living in one of the small
towns of Arkansas was recognized as
wag, and he seemed to take special
delight in feathering on ministers.
One day the fellow was sitting in his
buggy, to which was hooked a mule,
when the village minister came up
and suggested that he be loaned the
team to take his wife out for an air.
ing.
II don't think, parson, your wife
would ride behind a ,jackass; but if
she can ride beside one, why she can
have the team," was the answer.
"You misunderstood me-" said the
minister. my dear brother, I do not
wish you to go, for intend to drive
myself.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
DREAMS OF THE BLIND.

A new line Of investigation in the
phenomena of dreams has been occu-
pying the leisure moments of Dr..
Carleton Simon for the last few
months. He is endeavoring to dis
over on what cause people who have
cen blind all their lives base their
treams.
1t is a we'll known scientific fact that
he dreams of the normal person are
invariably founded on some event or
condition that they have experienced,
, condition that involves sight; that
hey are retrospective and not pros
nective, despite the highly colored
'ales of our grandfathers concerning
prophetic dreams.
What are the prevalent dreams of
'ersons born blind?" queried DR.. ST.
non in discussing the matter with
:ome of his professional friends. "The
subject, so far as I know, has not ex-
tied inquiry, but it seems of nature
o deserve it. as it might lead to some
cry curious results. Are forms or
isures presented to them, either ami
nate, or inanimate, and if so do they
,ear any resemblance to their origi-
,als? Everything thus fitting before
he minds eye must be a creation,
rot a recollection to him who can
only have gathered vague notions of
orm from the touch and who can
lave no idea of color.
Anyway, it's worth looking into, it
seems to me''
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
BOYS Valuable Discovery.

Van Erpecum, boy student in the
high school at Batavia, Java, has dis
covered new law of physics. He no.
ticed that when a glass is filed to the
brim with water and floating ice there
is no overflow on the melting of the
ice, and two years ago he called the
attention Of his principal, DR.. c. M.
Van Deventer, to the fact. Other
physicists were notified, who brought
the matter before the Royal Academy
of Amsterdam. It has now been shown
that the water neither rises nor sinks.
and the proposed claw of the perma-
nent level' teaches that when a ves-
sci contains solid floating in it's own
liquid, the level Of the latter does
not change by the melting Of the
solid.'
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
COMPARATIVE CONDITIONS.

Philosophers claim that distress,
even when positive or superlative, is
still only comparative, which bears
out the answer that Mr.. George Ed
wardes, who recently returned to
England, made to Birmingham manu-
facturer who was complaining of
hard times.
"The pressure of the times is such
in our city," said the Birmingham
man, "that we have good workmen
who will get up the inside of a. watch
for eighteen shillings."
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

provided for by constructing the trunk
Of number of tills. In the more
elaborate designs these tills are
mounted on an arrangement of '1azy
tongs," by which the various traps
are spread out in such a manner that
the contents of any one Of them may
be easily reached.
A recent innovation in dress suit
cases solves the problem by building
it with two lids. If, upon opening it,
it should be discovered that ones
hair brush is on the very bottom, the
lid is closed and the case turned over
and opened from this end, when, pres
to-! there it is, on top.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
THE SEX OF AN ECHO.

The painting which attracted the
most attention in a certain art exhi-
hilton in Philadelphia, was entitled
Echo 1t showed mountain gorge
with a female figure typifying echo
swinging out mistily and gracefully
from the rocky sleeps. 1t was very
pretty, and the local critics heaped
praises upon the artist. Former Gov
ernor "Billy' Burns studied it seri-
ously for ten minutes and then turned
to his companion and said:
"It's queer how they have all gone
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

suit is that we have combinations Of
all kinds and for all purposes.
In the illustration will be found an
article of this kind, a combination and
convertible wrench and vise
The details of construction are such
that the wrench, which is of the ad-
Unstable jaw type, can be converted
quickly into wise, either for manu-
al use or as fixture upon support
and also permit the exchange of parts
of the implement to again convert it
into sliding jaw wrench, as occasion
may require.
William P. Foster of Jacumba
Springs, CAL, is the patentee.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
Phone Records MESSAGES,

Perhaps one Of the strangest de-
vices turned out within the last year
is an automatic telephone message
recorder. The invention is the work of
a German and it has been taken up
and improved by an American con-
cern which is now preparing it for the
market. This device consists Of a
combination of the ordinary telephone
and the 2honograph.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

New York is impressed with the hor-
ror of the latest tenement fire, in
which a score Of lives were lost. How
many times it would have to bo null
tiplied to equal the horror Of the bat
tie of Mukden, which is actually too
great for the world to realize.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

A man named Adams, who recently
died, is referred to as "the inventor
CT chewing gum" Gum from the sue
culent spruce tree was no doubt chew
cd il the days of Adam and Eve-es-
pecially the latter.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

of the counsel on both sides. One
Of the lawyers engaged was Fred A.
Appleton, whose fame as wit was
widespread.
Opposing him was a lawyer of POM
pous mien and much avoirdupois, who
kept making blunder after blunder
until even the judge became -irritated.
After making a particularly aggrayat-
ing error he said:
Il beg you honor's pardon; that was
another mistake. seem to be inocu-
lated with dullness today
"Inoculated, brother" said Mr., Ap-
pleton, II thought you had it in the
natural way"
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
Combination Wise and Wrench.

Many of the inventions that are
poses and although very few are put
upon the market for sale, they gener-
ally contain some attachment or i'm
provement that would be useful for
the purposes designed. Combinations
OF tools that can be used by practi-
cally everybody seem to claim the
attention of the inventors and the re-
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
Cremation in Enqland.

Cremation makes remarkably slow
progress in England, partly because of
the decision of the courts in 1894, that,
unless express instructions had been
left by the deceased, an executor
could not cremate the remains. The
ground Of the decision was that every
one is entitled to Christian burial
and that cremation is not Christian
burial. '%'
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

. Society began with the monkey din,
rus tea, and now sport comes forward
with the rhinoceros banquet. Finance
dimes regularly on lamb.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

The Watertown Standard solemnly
declares: 'The blackness of the ket-
tie is in no way removed by reference
10 the somber hue of the pot" No,
but when the pot goes into oratory
what it says will not wash, unless it
does
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

A New York police justice has de
cided that woman's tongue is a
concealed weapon. 1t is a pity New
York women can't use votes as a
weapon.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

So far, the prayers of the Philadel.
rhia people for Mayor Weaver appar.
eItly haven't accomplished much, but
it's a good thing for the people of any
city to get the praying habit.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

A Reading, Pa, paper compliments
CIV. Pennypacker by saying that he
rode like a Centaur.' But let's see,
Centaurs were not built for riding,
were they?
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
A BeIated PRAYER.

A good anecdote is related of a
young minister who was supplying the
pulpit Of the Wrentham (Mass) Con-
gregational church during the ab-
sence of it's pastor, the Rev. Elisha
Fisk, better known as Priest Fisk,'
whose pastorate in this church cov-
cred a period Of tifty-six years.
Upon opening the Bible the young
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

las been arrested by the Russian gov.
errment on suspicion. His name is
regarded as strong circumstantial evi.
dence against him.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

The distinguished mortality is large
il Monte Carlo this year. From
strictly scenic standpoint it is the
most beautiful spot in the world in
which to die. In other respects it is
less attractive.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Perhaps the New York millinery
firm that has just got a judgment OF
81 ,050 against Mrs. Chadwick would
be glad to settle now for $10.50 in
cash.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Mr.. Marconi, who has been going
to marry all kinds of people for years
past, has actually married, and now
the rest of us can be at peace.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Statistician says the Telephone
habit" is changing the American voice.
Would give illustrations but, alas! they
are unfit for publication
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Those waves that rolled over the
Cedric may not have been hundred
feet high, but when wave is coming
at you there is no time to take an &C.
curate geometric measurement.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Castro enjoys one advantage when
threatened by naval powers. He can
always save his own navy by mount,
ing it on fatcar and shipping it in,
land.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

A Wilmington, DEL, man was sen.
fenced to five months in jail for swear
ing at his mother. Good! But why
this sighting of the whipping post?
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

The Washington Post says that Dr.
Wiley is writing poetry on the food
question. TIE poison squad seems to
be in tor new test.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

In France women can wear trousers
by paying SO a year. Consequently,
as rule, they do not care to. Perhaps
this is fortunate, considering the
American habit of following French
fashions.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

When man has finally brought the
elements under his sway the Ohio
river will have been about the last to
succumb. =
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

We repug to report that the esteem
ed Philadelphia Public Ledger starts
OF an able editorial by saying ''The
imagination relucts."
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Our valued Hellenic contemporary
the Parthenon, invites contributions
from volunteers. Write only on one
side of the paper in correct Greek.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Fashion notes: Cultivating the
"nour-glass figure" does not mean
standing for hours at the glass to con:
template ones figure.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Nearly $50,000,00O a year is said to
be spent on golf. This can hardly in,
clude' the amount spent on those cute
little golf stockings, however.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Naval recruiting officers are insist
ing that only men with good teeth
shall be taken as sailors. This does
not promise we'll for the rations.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
IN THE NATURAL WAY.

During session Of the Supreme
court of Maine at Augusta a tec.ious
and complicated real estate case had
pretty nearly worn out the patience
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
! 3 !, !,
u M M = $.fz aI3d s.>>-l'
iTN~Eg EglI1GA
Double Lid on Suit Case.

No matter how carefullya a trunk is
packed, the thing which. is wanted
first from it IL always on the bottom,
by some strange decree of fate. In
this case. in order, to secure the de-
sired object, it is necessary to turn
the entire contents out on the floor.
With the average man this is simple
matter, for he would throw the things
back in the same manner, but with a
woman or a more systematic man
this is harder task. In the most re-
cent trunk architecture this has been
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

The whole Venezuelan army is re-
ported to be in constant movement
He must have nervous temperament.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

Pooh, that's nothing compared t
London replied Mr.. Edwardes. wv
have boys here who will get up th
inside Of chimney for sixpence."
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13
II he happens to win, it is q shrewd
investment. If he happens to lose, it Is
q reckless speculation. ~#'"
Civilized humanity is coming rapid
ly to the conviction, that Gen. Sher.
man Sunderstated the ease.

The statement is made that Russell
Sage is recovering from a bad cold
as if there ever was a good one.
The Cook County herald., 1905-05-13

minutes of
versity Virginia.
States
memorial Thomas
University Of Virginia."
The Cairo bulletin., 1905-04-24

private soldier MI Blackburn inform.
ed him thar the COME crates were
searching the field fo- tae QE,cer @ho
had fallen that afternoon Very soon
after this Cen Aaar; Gallatin Jen-
kins, @, T. Az, came into the house.
and commenced &c question Captain
Smith as 10 WAC the officer was who
had fallen in iron, of the house. but
he eyaded sJrict answer by saying
General, 4 ana poor wounded yankea
III the hands "A tbs enemy We're
you not an officer when with your
command asked Col. Jenkins. 7
had the pleasure Of serving as a Searg
emit they wanted Northern men for
officers ana generally mad them III tne
Second Michlsan casasry. tWnera is
your coat?
~undes H. aead; It's jacket, said
I Captain Salta. General jenkins look
Ga IL ova, AVA then said; WAS an
this don tgday yes said Cap
Itain smith una more TOO. 9Iy hat
+ has lot half its rim and PARK OF the
@taa ao... aaa.,,s s,ga rantai,
gtth u4. .....,.
- %,. w. , a,,o o IA
- 49, Mi H. y. ~ ,,atts., J,
III -. -, - t.,,u9diatoI,, /,
-. ~. Nj, - - i,
,t. ii 49, .r,,n.,,a s III
A - ,,.N. s,,, TO- 4, nm ny
w. asy;aa. jill hora a eran. Il
~ -. - 80
- @,a e.,,,
The Cairo bulletin., 1905-04-24

A story Of great interest to South
erners is told by Col. 2. p. Smith, oil
Raleigh. travelling passenger agent of
the Seabeard Air Line, whose father
life wa saved by Albert Gallat.n Jen
kins, the father Of Miss Alberta Cat
latin. the actress, who appears at the
Opera House on Wednesday evening
in A Clean Slate
Recently Miss GalIattn received A
can from col Smith .and then IL was
that the story Of such human III.
forest vac told asain.
To be left on the field wounded dy.
ing perhapr was bad enough, but Win
the belief III recovery and 4 lingering
death In prison nall fed, half cared
for was worse. a s4ch a timc few oil
fcers would think / their men. aus>
give the order by sign to leave him Ia
mis- fate. rather than strew the field
with his followers such an instance
occurred during the civil war At Dan-
bridge. Tenn. a few troops Of dis.
moantai cavalry. not exceeding 200
men, had been stubbornly resisting
charges and nank movements for sey-
eral hours, falling back as rapidly as
possible. yet determined to save their
useless artillery and amoulances until
the artillery could get into position
where The cavalry mounted To render
support An open field was tn their
rear, and tho enemy, heavily rein.
forced was advancing 10 crush them
when these dismounted men charged
4 their position across the dreaded oper
/ field Among the last men to cross
I was Capt James II Smith, 81 TrooE
lC. Second Michigan Cavalry Ii wa.
q narrow field, high lane fence. barr
and corn crib offered temporary eoyei
On the ether side Away rushed tht
two hundred, knowing well thar Vol
ley would follow. and many Of thei
number might 90 down yet most o
/ them escaped with slight wounds. No
* with their leader. In the middle D
4 the field Captain Smith fell as thoug'
Init BIZ d hundred bullets Hastily eli
emining himself ha found his thigl
| broken and leg shattered and useless
His men had gained sneiter aad ma
commenced to pour destructive fir
upon the advancing enemy. He coul
hear his men ask who Is MISSING
etc. Then in few hasty words, 'Ra
| ly boys, the captain is wounded. Sc
no Is trying to turn over He di
turn over. and dts he though o. thei
devotion hot tears flied his eyes, an
he shouted, no, 20 back but hi
voice was drowned in the enemy's iii
ng, now close to him, and as he sax
his men about to climb the fence i
charge twenty times their number h
raised hls hand and waved them bacl
They hesitated, but obeyed. and lei
him to his fate. The main army pass
ed over him and then came the stral
glers. AT his request they carried hir
10 g nearby house, and placed him In
room This happened on the Gath da
of December, 1864 The family VIII
had vacated the house early In the da
came back about 3 o'clock. The hous
belonged 70 Mr. Blackburn AS 500
9s the captain could after being shc
down, he removed his shoulder straps
and, of course. was supposed to be
The Cairo bulletin., 1905-04-24
Ieft-slanded shotcun.

A shotgun recently manufactured by
q Connecticut firm was special or
der for a man who uses his left eye
to aim with the right eye being sight
less The stock and lower frame Of
the gun were twisted 50 that he may
shoot without discomfort The gun
lis the third made for this man in
the last twenty-five years.
The Cairo bulletin., 1905-04-24
a street soane.

The teamster was not beating his
horses. bur he was using pretty Wis
orous language This cruelty to ami
mails. declared the woman with three
birds on her. hat. lis dreadful" And
she vented her indignation by giving
street urchin that iosfled her q
crack that sent him On his way whim
pering Houston Post.
The Cairo bulletin., 1905-04-24
To ELL cracka.

To fill cracks in d floor. make a
paste Of one pound Of -four, three
quarts Of water, and a tablespoonful
of alum mix thoroughly and bell.
Soak small pieces 81 newspaper IL
this paste until the mixture is as
thick as putty. then force into the
cracks with knife, and Il win harden
like papier mache
The Cairo bulletin., 1905-04-24
New and Profitable occunatlon.

A shorthand writer In Berlin at
tends the funerals Of prominent rer
sons and takes down verbatim the ad
dresses of the officiating clergy
He prepares highly-ornamented copies
OF these and sells them 70 tho frignds
Of the eulogized dead. He is doing
q profitable trade.
The Cairo bulletin., 1905-04-24

One who suffered from insomnia
recommends bandaging the eyes with
a handkerchief when preparing to rest
for the night The explanation OF tine
cure is that the bandage induces
sleep by driving the blood from tine
eyes and relieving the strain Of trying
to see in the dark.