Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-06-03
THAT FIRST HOT DAY

to remain cOol?
''Who?" inquired the man On his left,
taking Off his hot-looki-t; black derby and
hopping his forehead with red-bordered
handkerchief. At
Everybody" groaned the fragiie-looking
nervous man. Everybody in Washington is
involved in a conspiracy to keep me at the
parboiled state My own wife and family
are in it. The whole OF tie District of Co
lumbia is mixed I'D in low-down scheme
to melt me. and I know it,"
Easy, there. pal" said the man ON his
left. warningly, "or the .irst thing you'll
be for the ambulance with one O. them
rubber icecaps on your lid and couple O.
ton O. ice weighing on your frame after
you reach the ward Take it easy and you
won't bother yourself ZIP SO much
Take it easy?" peevishly replied the fra
giie man. Say. how's 6 man going to take
1t easy when--well. Jennie just tell you
what they've been doing TO me since l got
UP this morning. Then I'll ask you, as man
to man, whether you think I've got any
chance to take 1t easy"
Wei, you'd better get it out of your sys-
tenn, or you might bust" put in the man
with the hot-looking black derby.
In the first place. said the man who
claimed to be conspred against II want to
inform You that I'm naturally cool man.
Never was overheated IN my life unless
other fools made me so by precept, ex-
ample or suggestion.
When 1 got up this norning I was as
cool as a canteloupe in an ice box. My
wife had been shifting about from room to
room and complaining of the stuffy
warmth. but l felt as comfortable as the
snow OF the Himaiayas, and l begged her to
forbear. This evoked the reply from her
that was selfish and inconsiderate. Her
undeserved words caused my Temperature to
rise at least five degrees-no appreclable
rise Tor man as cool as l was, but five
degrees nevertheless.
After light, early breakfast, during
the entire progress of which my wife NUT
tered over the warmth and my little girl
painted as If about to keel overland me
sui as cool as pond lily at midnie.ht-I
SUI down at the front window. overlooking
little park. to take glance at the paper
before setting out for the office Well sir,
before Id been sitting down two minutes
what does my wife do but go upstairs and
aoh the reddest, Understanding working
wrapper That ever came off a loom drape
her head In a heavy, hOt-looking towel and
proceed TO put the house to rights I i'm
plored her to cease, but 1t was of no use
She wanted to get the house tidied up be-
fore the real heat Of the day set in she fold
me.
w hat remained for me but fighto I fled
wasn't what you could call warm when T
got on the car, but was sure some degrees
removed from my normal condition of com
!ortable GOODNESS. However immediately
IN 'front.' or me on the car was tuning fat
man with red bandanna around his neck
III place or collar. had to sit there and
watch that rat man and his handkerchief.
Ihe red handkerchief had a maIeyolert fas
cinatlon for me, and I couldn't keep NV
eyes or the thing The fat man would ting
at 1t hrst with one hand and then with the
other and then he would yank it off alto
gether. stroke 1t and refold it. and raadiust
it around his neck tuckfne if in with 80
oenlng dellberation and uttering a horrible
WHlStilnS 'Whew.' every ten seconds on. 81
by the time half of my car journey was
competed that tuning fat mans handker-
ChleI iooked like harg1nan's moose that
mad been frequently used, and I was at
ieast flVe degrees warmer than | had been
when l left my home, just from gazing at
.hat awful Tapping, moist. disreputable
However, I took a good clutch On ,,v-
self when / got off the car, and made =
mental resolution to remain Unaffected by
an exterior temperature elevating manifes-
tatlons whatsoever: l hung my coat on its
accustomed peg when ! reached NV offica
ana was rapidly regaining nv normal
cooiness when l set to work and heean 70
open my mail Then my deskmate began
TO snow the cioven hoof. He gave me the
first inkling of the deliberate concniran,I
that had obviously been hatched aeainc.
me. 1t was plain to see that he resented
my cool appearance, and he began to tell
me what an awful time he'd had of 1t trv
ing to find fiat with some windows onan
ing on the south. Said the stoke-hole of a
man-o war under forced draugbt wss,,,t a
marker to the heat of the fiat he was living
III. endeaVored to get him to desist bv
sWitchlhg the subject but there wasn't a
ueSist IN nm He was going to talk heat
or nothing. He tugged at his yaIIusas ana
Whlstled BY Georger through his teeth
every minute or so. and every five minutes
ne Jump up from his desk and race over
10 look at the thermometer When he uac
able to report rise of half degree he
fastened a look of oevIish triumnh unon
me, and asked me II was willing to admit
that the morning was a soaker, He said
ne q oeen reading in scientific paper the
night before that all conditions Iookad 10
the hottest summer in this part of tho
united states that had been experienced
since the summer of 1884
went out to luncheon at an unusually
early hour, SOS to get away from, this
deskmate OF NINE AT the e,,ick ,,,nnt
Where l take my graham waters and milk
was compelled to sit down opposite one
or the early crop of shirt waist young men
In physical conformation he reminded me a
great deal OF certain President of the
United States who presided over the dos
TIMES of the nation well within he memory
OF the present generation. His tountenance
was an intense cerise In hue. and there
We're Mississippis and Amazons streaming
DOWN his forehead to his chin and on IN
ms stickily conforming shirt Now. |
might have been able to stand his looks
much as he reminded me of senior steam
the blowing out of a cylinder head but the
stun that he was eating! 1t was a. huge
dish of beef a Ia mode, and onto the mess
the Falstaffan shirt-sleeves Young man
squrted at intervals of every minute or
SO, copious squirts Of tabasco sauce.
Worcestershire sauce, catsup and chill
This mess of fuel he pushed into his frame
with every evidence of vast enjoyment. so
that when my ice-cold milk came along 1t
positively tasted-such was the power of
suggestion--as if it had just co me from
red-hot stewing pan. I got no good out of
my luncheon hour except a rise in tempera-
ture such as had not experienced since the
time my father caught me swimming in
the deep hole in the 'crick'
In the afternoon I went to the LIQUID re-
fectory across the street and ordered a tall
settler lemonade. I was just about to place
the drink to my lips when my attention was
riveted by an awful spectacle A middle
aged man, we'll dressed and well groomed
prosperous-looisng, and apparently with
everything to live for ON this earth. DELHI
erately poured himself out four and one
half fingers of the reddest Bourbon I ever
saw. and deliberately shot that blazing. fe-
rocious ball into himself with nary a shud-
der and without so much as slipping the
chaser of water that the bartender placed
alongside his glass. / drank my settler
lemonade, but such was the feeling of Neb-
uchadnezzar heat that that mans action
had brought upon me that Ii tasted like so