davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Logical Theorv.

You will observe" said the profess
sor, the higher the altitude attained
the colder the temperature becomes "
But isn't it warmer near the ton
o. the mountains than it is in the
Val]ey?' asked the youth al the foot
OF the class.
certainly not replied the profess
sor. why do you think it would hoo"
On answered the youngster. II
thought perhaps the atmosphere was
heated by the mountain ranges"
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Scooped.

Sunday Editor-Why did you fire
the joke writer?
Managing Editor-He got scooped
Sunday Editor-Why, how's that?
Managing Observation-Disclosures tC
write joke about the recent appoint
ment of Philadelphia man to the SUI
perintendency Of the dcad-letter Office
All the other papers in the country
had one.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

The American woman ought to be
CARDS visit over here. He wrote
book once with the title "She Who
Must Be Obeyed."
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
like Father. Like Son.

"Are fables the same as tiction?'
asked the innocent child.
"Fables are fictitious narratives IN
tended to instruct" replied the papa
rather pompously, for he was proud
of his learning.
"Say, dad," said the child, getting
suddenly confidential and chummy,
"us men folks have to be pretty quick
with our fables sometimes, don't WEI"
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

A well known writer observes that
once you know a woman's age, you
know the woman. Which simply shows
how careful most women are about ex-
ter ding the circle of their acquaint.
ance.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

One of Rockefeller's college profess
sors says women are not good mathe-
maticians. Yet he will have to admit
that women's figures are generally
considered superior to those Of COL
lege professors.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
CONFUSING Titles,

Perplexed Foreigner-You say he
was re general manager OF re street
car company?
Native-Yes.
Perplexed Foreigner-And now he
ees captain Of industry?
Native-Yes
Perplexed Foreigner-Do you call
Eat promotion in zis country?
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

The recrudescence of fiscalitis is re-
ported from London. There is some
apprehension that it may crowd out
the religious revival there. The Hon.
Joseph Chamberlain is reckoned the
wicked devil in the case.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

1t is an unmistakable sign of prog
ress that the women of China are
making vigorous kick for the right
to wear their feet as nature made
them.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Unfortunates.

Mrs. Greene-"I should think you'd
feed your boarders a little better.
You can't expect them to say a good
word for you when they leave"
Mrs. Skinner-"Oh, but they do. AL
most everyone of them has a grudge
against some friend of his, and he in
yariably recommends my house to
him. l get lots Of new boarders that
wav.''-BOston Transcript.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

King Alfonso of Spain VOWS that the
girl who becomes his queen must be
beautiful. Evidently he has decided
lot to look for wife among the
princesses.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

Two men have arrived at Monte
Carlo with mechanical schemes de-
signed to break the bank. If they are
prudent, they also have return tickets
to their respective homes.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

The movement in favor of knee
breeches is reported to be making
considerable progress in England.
The bow-!egged men can't have much
influence over there.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
No Graft in II.

mat countryman,' said the lion.
tenant OF police. claims he told Won
or his experience with a bunco man
out you paid no attention to him"
"Sure!' replied the officer. .ue
didn't interest me none, because he
told me he'd been robbed already -
Philadelphia Press.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
WHY They Did II.

"Women," remarked the typewriter
boarder, "follow the golden rule more
than men do"
"Admitted,' rejoined the old bach
elor at the foot of the table, "other-
wise the majority Of them would new
err be able to break into the matri-
nonial .'-Chicago News.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

Two prizes have been offered in
France, one Of $1,000 and the other OF
5000. to be awarded for the best pa
pers on rational food for man. These
must be written in French and handed
In before Jan. 1, 1906. Let's see, what's
the French for pork and beans?
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Very Sharp.

Hiram Crowfoot believes in getting
his moneys WORTH" drawled the farm
er on the cracker barrel.
s:What now?" asked the champion
checker player.
why, when he went in the side
show he thought it wasn't worth a
dime, so he sharpened his knife on
the ossified man."
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

That New York practical joker
who held up citizens lor fun ought
to be satisfied with the success of his
Joke. He has just been sentenced to
twenty-five years in prison.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Diplomatic.

Mammal hope Willie didn't tell a
fib when you found he had been at
the jam?
Aunt Jane-Not at all. When I dis
covered that somebody had been at
the jam he looked at Fido and said, Il
didn't know, auntie, that dogs liked
iam."
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

The man who has sued his physi-
clan for $4,000 damages on account
OF a pockmarked face would compro-
mise, doubtless, for smaller sum in
spot cash.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

An American consul says there are
some rare business openings in Man
churia. There should be big bust
ness there for enterprising undertake
erS.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Streak of Hard Luck.

ooh. joint" she exclaimed, as she
observed him getting into his over.
coat, 81 hope you're not going to be
OUT again tonight"
Il hope not he replied, absent
mindedly, "but it's quite likely. The
cards have been running very badly
for me lately"
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

A quiet, peaceable man, who hap
pered to be living in Russia just
now might be pardoned for wanting
to move into another fiat.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

You may do some close guessing,
but you can't always swear to a
mans politics by the button he
wears.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Hard Luck.

Balty More-Whats the matter
with Bugs
Calvert, Jr.-He's been irving 10
lead the simple life, and succeeded
in living life so unutterab]y simple
that they are preparing to take him
to the Shepard asylum.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

It is reported that the public is
again buying in Wall street. How
soon the public foggets after the bis
tiers are gone
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
eome Time in the Past.

First clubman (apropos of the pass
ing of a celebrated beauty)-"l used
to be in love with that woman
Second clubman with a challenge
in his eye)-"Before I married her?''
First clubman (calmly)-"Yes, old
chap. before l divorced her. Town
Topics.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

Because a woman weeps is no sign
that she is unhappy. She may be en-
5oying herself making somebody else
miserable.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

There is a man in Scotland whose
beard is over eight feet long and
is still growing. Other occupation,
il any, not stated.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

The alleged "Frenchman" who says
that American women do not know
how to walk is surely an imposter.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

Dorothy Russell says that the idea
of a divorce is obnoxious to her, but
she must have one. Cannot overcome
the hereditary influence.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
CookinQ for the Gar

Cooking for the Gar.
L see, my dear, that it takes 25S
people to cook meal for the czar."
"Well, there's one thing sure, he
never says to his wife that he only
wishes he had some of those good
things like mother used to make.''
And what's to prevent him from
saying is?"
why, his mother was an empress
and didn't know enough bout cooking
to boil water"
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
You Bet.

Harold-My pa writes poems for a.
>liVin'--what does your pa do?
Reginald-Wotever my ma tells
him to. Cleveland Leader.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

A Chicago woman has been granted
damages of 81 for being Rugged. Dave
Hill will probably regard it as an ex-
crbitant price.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Striking Him.

Quietly she came up behind him as
he sat in his armchair, and whispered.
"Will you let me have SO, dear?"
II am surprised" he said, that you
would strike a man behind his back"
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

Russian grand dukes will not be
overburdened in the future with re-
plies to their want ads for coachmen.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

A Minneapolis paper refers to 'the
aroma of the cold wave" Watch for it
the next time a cold wave comes.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Important Question

Proud Father-And while at college
nv daughter learned to be an excel
lent rifle shot. Why, she's expert at
any range.
Suitor (anxiously)-I wonder if she
is an expert at kitchen range?
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
The Point.

ct will have a great deal to say
when get started" said the young
congressman.
my FRIEND" answered the veteran,
'it isn't the man who has things to
say that counts. It's the man who
gets a chance to say them.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

There are four times as many words
In the English language as in the
French, but young writer's always feel
that it is necessary to work in a
French phrase here and there in order
to make their meaning clear.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

A man in Baltimore. John Healey,
takes thirty hour maps. Orioles should
ship him home to Philadelphia.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

It's good thing to make your mon
ey last as long as it will, but it's bet.
ter to make it first.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

1t young Mr.. Hyde had had to work
his way up from a $12 a week job
things might have been different.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

They say the circus managers are to
''cut out" the chariots, the gilded
chariots, this year on account Of the
cost of transporting them. Well, why
rot, cut out the calliope and the ele-
plants and call the parade off alto
gether?
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

Helping Out Cousin.
'@How did it happen that you de-
cided so suddenly to get married?"
II visited cousin of mine in Mainz
big family of children, small house.
decided to make a little more room
for them, SO took one of the daugh-
ters. Blaetter.
The Fount Of Fairy Lore.
Hans Anderson was telling where he
got his training for his fairy tales.
II wrote the plausible explanations
for the fluctuations of Stocks" he
boosted.
After this we easily perceived the
rest was mere child's play.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Nice WAY to Treat Guest.

Fred-What! Fight a duel on &C.
count of a woman? No, sir! If
caught a man flirting with my wife
I'd invite him to come over for a
days shooting-just as I invited you
and then, it an accident were to oc'
cur"
John-Good gracious! I hope you
don't suspect me?
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
A Possible Exclamation.

A Possible Explanation.
Junior Partner-Slowpay has made
an assignment, but he says the cred
itors won't lose anything.
Senior Partner-Perhaps he means
that they wouldn't have got anything
ANYHOW
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Willie's Scheme.

Mr.. Popper-Goodness! I wish il
would stop raining.
Little Willie-I1l tell you how tt
stop it, pa. Gimme a quarter to save
up for rainy day an I'll bet there
won't be another one for year.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Last Resort.

The Inspector was talking about
verbs and adjectives Does your
master use adverbs and adjectives p"
he asked
Yes, SIR" chorused the scholars.
well, what does he use when he
does not use adverbs and adjectives''
There was a silence. Finally lit
tie fellow waved his hand. HE gener-
ally uses ruler, sir. STRAY Stories.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15

Looks After the Baby Closely.
Mrs. Neverholm-They say she is a
devoted mother.
Mrs. Gaddabout-Oh, she is! No
matter how pressing her social duties
may be, she sits down every Sunday
morning and dictates to her secre-
tary a bill of fare for the baby for the
week.
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
Financially Estimated.

Financially Estimated.
"You consider this particular com.
bine one of the good trusts?''
II surely do" answered Senator
Sorghum; ut is good for at least
twenty millions. "-Washington Star
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
To Be Considered.

do you think that the world is as
old as biologists say?". asked the man
who affects science.
ut may be-" answered Miss Cayen-
ne, "but we at least give it credit for
being remarkably well-preserved."
The Cook County herald. [volume] (Grand Marais, Minn.) 1893-1909, 1905-04-15
An Opinion.

An Opinion.
Don't You think bicycling has fall
en- off?'
"Well, l think there's teen a big
falling off in the number of people who
talk other people to death about it."
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02

imum Of ten years. If it hold water
over three years it must run ten. This
is sort of indeterminate sentence to
matrimony. Another characteristic
Colorado variation is the proposition
that when the contract is made it
shall determine whether the children
are to take the family name of the
father or the mother, permitting the
parents however, to make a square di.
vide and permit some of them to have
the fathers family name and some
the mothers.
1t is not stated whether the con.
tract lady is to retain her own fam
lily name or take that of the contract
gent during the tenure of the con-
tract. Naturally she will retain her
own name for what it is worth. If
both parties have property the con.
tract may pool it, or keep it separate.
If pooled each is to draw down the
principal at the end of the contract
with such increment and profits as it
may have earned.
This system seems to lack one fea-
ture. 1t ought to be a wage contract
also, by which the gent agrees to pay
the lady wages, and it should natural
ly fix the hours of labor, with a wage
and half for Sundays and holidays
and overtime. If this thing is TO be
business il should conform in all re-
spects to business principles.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02
Hermit Becomes Rich.

Salmon, Idaho, March Edwin
Hurd, aged 20 years, an eccentric her
nit of the hills around Salmon, is
now in possession of a fortune of
$40, 900 in cash and securities.
Fifty years ago he ran away from
home in New York, the only son of
well-to-do parents He was wild,
adventurous spirit. He finally be-
came remorseful and wanted to see
the old home again. The most search
ing investigation failed to reveal the
whereabouts Of father and mother and
he found the old home in New York
had been sold, his parents removed to
an unknown locality. But all the
time Hurd had been searching for his
parents and they, it appears, had been
uutiringly seeking some trace of him
The father died and left investments
that now have yielded $4,000 in
available cash and valuable securities
constantly enhancing in worth.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02
VARSITY TEAM NEWS.
Basket Ball Takes Interest Away
From Track and Baseball.

Manager Murray Shanks of the
Willamette University basket ball
team has his men out this afternoon
in the gym. putting them through a
course of "sprouts" preparatory to
the big game to be played here with
Dallas one week from tonight. The
Dallas boys, who are considered the
fastest team in the state, succeeded
in quitting it over" the boys from
the local Varsity in the last contest
of the kind, which took place at Dal-
las last week, but the Salemites have
pluck and intend to reverse the order
of things in the coming game, which
will without doubt be the fastest, be-
sides being the last, game of the sea
son.
Professor Keller is working hard
with his little material for a track
team, as is Manager Averill with his
baseball team, but both of these
sports are handicapped by the interest
displayed in the end of the basket ball
season, and will no doubt be better
able to make showing after the next
game. There is said TO be some fine
material for both sports now in the
school, but the trouble seems to be
in getting any turnout for the pre-
liminary work. The track team seems
to be in greater distress from this
cause than the promoters of the base
ball team, for it takes something i'm,
portant to detract the mind of the
average American college man from a
live interest in the national sport.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02
500 Reward. 800.

The readers of this paper will be
pleased to learn that there is at least
one dreaded disease that science has
been able TO cure in all its stages, and
that is Catarrh. Halls Catarrh Cure
is the only positive cure now known to
the medical fraternity. Catarrh being
a constitutional disease, requires a
constitutional treatment. Halls Ca
tarrh Cure is taken internally, acting
directly upon the blood and mucous
surfaces of the system, thereby de-
stroying the foundation Of the disease,
and giving the patient strength by
building up tho constitution and as
sisting nature in doing its work. The
proprietors have so much faith in its
curative powers that they offer one
Hundred Dollars for any case that il
fails to cure. Send for list Of testi-
monials.
Address F. J. CHENEY & CO., Toledo,
Ohio.
Sold by Druggists, Use.
Take Halls Family Pills for con
stipation.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02
Neuralgia
And Other
p a i N.

All pain in any disease Il
nerve pain, the result of a tur-
bulent condition of the nerves.
The stabbing, lacerating,
darting, burning, agonizing
pain that comes from the prom
inent nerve branches, or SEN
sorry nerves, is neuralgia, and
is the big brother" of all the
other pains.
DR.. Miles Anti-Pain Pills
rarely ever fail to relieve these
pains by soothing these larger
nerves, and restoring their
tranquility.
DR.. Miles Anti-Pain Pills
leave no bad after-effects, and
are a reliable remedy for every
kind of pain, such as headache,
backache, stonachache, sciat-
lea, rheumatism and neuralgia.
They also relieve Dizziness,
Sleeplessness, Nervousness,
Car-Sickness, and Distress af-
ter eating.
''For many years have been q con:
stant sufferer from neuralgia ana
headache, and have never been able
to obtain any relief from various
headache powders and capsules. untn
They always cure my headache In ive
minutes time" FRED r. gWINGLEY,
Cashier LIST Nat. Bank. Atkinson, Neb.
Or. Miles, Antl-paln Pills are sold by
your DRUGGIST, who Will quarentee that
the first package Will benefit. ~ N
falls he will return your money.
rs doses, 25 eenta. Never cold In hulS.
Miles Medical Co., Elkhart, Ind
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02
Twenty Years Trial.

There are lots of good things the doc
tors know nothing about. We frequent
ly cure people of disease after the doe
tors have given them up. If the dis
ease comes from overwork, dissipation
OF exposure, causing weak and watery
blood and loss of flesh and strength
we have the one sure remedy in DR.
Gunn's Blood and Nerve Tonic. These
tablets taken with meals turn the food
into rich red blood, making strong,
steady nerves and increasing the
strength, producing solid flesh at the
rate of l to pounds per week. This
means health. Druggists sell DR..
Gum s Blood and Nerve Tonic for 75e
per box or boxes for ~. For nervous
prostration, loss of memory, or a pale,
sallow complexion, better remedy
was never made. Doctors know nothing
about this remedy only the fact that
we make cures, which we have been
doing for 90 years
For sale by DR.. 8. C. Stone, druggist.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02
Like Finding Money.

Finding health is like finding money
so think those who are sick. When
you have a cough, cold, sore throat, or
chest irritation, better act promptly
like w. C, Barber, Of Sandy Level, vo.
He says; "I had terrible chest troub-
le, caused by smoke and coal dust on
my lungs; but, after finding no relief in
other remedies, was cured by DR..
Kings New Discovery for Cansump-
tion, Coughs and Colds,' Greatest sale
of any cough or lung medicine in the
world. At ]. G. Perry's drug store;
SOC and $1OO; guaranteed. Trial bot.
tie free.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02

Persons having fruit trees and orna'
mental trees that, under the state law,
are required TO be sprayed at this sea
son Of the year, are requested to leave
their orders at F. A. wiggins' imple-
ment house or with the Oregon Nur.
sery Company. The expense is very
small, and the increase in fruit and
quality win more than repay all cost
to the owner. Or apply to Il. @. Arm
strong, manager Of the city spraying
outfit, who win at once attend 10 the
matter. 2.27-tf
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02
SALEM MAN RICH.
eeF Mine Found by w. H. Jones,
After Seven Years Search.

|eOrge w. johnson, Jr., is in receipt
} letter from his former prospect
lner, W. II. Jones, who informs him
he has made a rich placer find in
COlefOot region, Alaska, which is
eng from $3.50 to ss per pan. This
fabulous find, most claims paying
ents to so cents being considered
ven years ago Mr.. johnson and
Jones started north together 10
their fortunes, but hl'luek ae-
panied them, and Mr.. johnson re-
ed after staying in the mines about
Ar, but Mr.. Jones, still confident
he would strike it rich, remained
iI years more, returning 70 Salem
pnee, two years ago, when he paid
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Oregon) 1903-1919, 1905-03-02

a short visit to his relstives and
friends, and then returned to his pros.
pecting again, but this time going
farther north than before. His perse-
veranee was rewarded, and, without
doubt, he is rich man, and his claim
is just about what he claims for it, for
it has been learned from people who
have known him for years that he is
very cool headed, and would not be apt
to exaggerate the truth in regard to his
find