The Logan Republican. [volume] (Logan, Utah) 1902-1924, 1905-04-12
! Am a "Figgerer."

'one OF my distinguished lellOW-
citizens, Mark Twain, has said
Figures don't lie. but damned liars
figure" | desire Immediately to re-
pudiatc, trample under foot and alto
gether obliterate the bad and vulgar
insinuations treacherously concealed
In the preceding quotation from Mark
Twain. Pres Love has told me that
my friends have told him that If was
as bright as some people think me,
would not refer to other liars because
the ignorant Cachites, who are not in
the habit Of drawing fine distinctions,
might confound me with the liars to
whom / had referred. | take the
liberty Of now saying that my whole
life has been either right or wrong
and that / never resort to misrepre-
sentation unless it Is to my interest.
l have made calculations, constructed
tigurations, practiced syllogisms (you
know a syllogism Is nothing but the
expression for mathematical equal
lied concatenation) until | have deyel-
oped practical turn of mind. Some
Of the soft pated LoganiteS have
cruelty accused me of having the
swelled head. They say that the
pronoun occurs TOO frequently in my
dispositions and bamboozlements.
Now watch me deal the Cachite
boobies sledge hammer stroke.
Roscoe Conkling was the greatest
senator and the proudest peacock that
ever strutted down the aisles OF con-
greSs.
In one of his bursts of eloquence he
Is reputed to have said: "Three classes
of persons are afraid to use the pro-
noun fools, idiots and infants"
Two-thirds of the preceding state
ment meet with my hearty approba-
tion, one-third of it is in my opinion
shaky and therefore needs qualitica-
tion, explanation, elimination and
calculation. With the exception of
Prof. Stewart and philosopher Bennion,
i have had wider acquaintance with
the University infant students than
any other person. / have never found
them lacking in gall, impudence and
self assertion. The atmosphere in
which they live induces the preceding
qualities. am an expert in proving
things about infants with "figgers :"
Prof. Byron Cummings had doubts as
to whether the U. of U. was a cheap
institution | made a calculation
with tiggers, threw in a sufficient num-
Der of infants and proved the PROPOSE
tion conclusively. He has since an
nounced in public that the u of u. is
the cheapest school of its kind i'm the
U. ). Strange to say, for once, the
Agricultural mudsills fully agree with
Prof. Cummings. Philosopher Bennon
says he believes there is an imnuen-
do in their acquiescence. It's strange
that smart men like my friend Ben
Mon can't use the plain language Of
tiggers. ] reckon he means there is
Niger in the wood-pile." My cult
waited friend, Pres. Love, with his tao I
delicacy, frankness and aristocratic
Scottish blood would state the same
thought as follows: at would appear
from the circumj acent accumulation of
evidence that an ebony hued gentle
man resides somewhere in the rub
Dish heap thrown up to the surface
by the recent and righteous fight for
consolidation" You see being cultur.
ed is the next thing to being Zig.
gerer."
am a noble patron Of education
and like my illustrious friends Pres.
Love, Speaker Hull and Senator viii.
liams,l am an undying friend of oul
great Agricultural College. | have
iiggered out times without number
that the best way to benefit the col.
lege is to injurc it and then have Pres
Love say. "The Cachitcs are unduly
aroused. No one intends to iniurc
our great Agricultural College"
One day | met Quill Nebeker and
started in to hgger out the question
of consolidation with him. But with
his usual Bear Lake manners he just
swelled up and cussed awhile and then
said: " Brother Stookey let me tell you
a warn and then you can figger out a
moral and adon tail on your own
hook Here goes. "Once upon a
time a conceited and bumptious youth
yoked himself up with vigorous and
healthy calf and started gayly down the
public highway. Five minutes after