Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1905-07-01

The other evening as / was
careening over the pampas like the
horse that ate the frecrackers in
tent upon driving the thorax of a
delinquent subscriber through his
diaphragm with two-by- scantl1ng
I had ripped from the roof of pas
sing barn I studded my toe on a
freight train and fractured the
fllnnybone in my elbow. AS I
write wholly with the muscular
movement regardless of brains it is
impossible for me to write a humor-
Gus article until my funnybone gets
well. Consequently this article will
be serious. Somebody ought to be
Serious now and then anyhow.
There is too much fr1volity in the
world. Somebody ought to call out
the great facts of the day that are
worth preserving and embalm them
for posterity sort of garner the
wheat from the chaff as it were.
The trouble with history in general
is that it is written after time has
cast about events the halo of ro-
nance. When you read a novel you
think how much nicer it must have
been to live in those days. 1t is
because the novelist got his ideas
from history written by a man
whose great-grandfather was wear
ing clouts when it happened. His
tory should be written while it is
happening. feel it my duty there
fore to record few large gobs of
uncultured truth.
4*x
Future novelists who write histori-
cal tales Of the reign Of Teddy the
Bear Hunter will wish to portray
the modes of dress of ladies of the
day-hence I have been at some
pains to look them up in all their
ramifcations. / find in looking
through the fashion books that it is
the style to be tall and willowy and
all dresses are mapped accordingly.
If you are fat lady you are not in
style and this article doesn't con-
Germ you. There are no dresses IN
the fashion plates for fat ladies.
Away over in the back of the book
where the leaves are torn out 1t
says any old polonalse is good
enough for fat lady. There is a
footnote on the same page which
says if that doesn't suit her she can
make dress like the pictures and
then cut it in two with a crosscut
saw and wear the upper half of it
for a street costume and the lower
half for evening dress. Now don't
scold at me. It isn't my fault. 1T
was all I could find in the books.
Look for yourself If you're fat
you're simply not in it and you've got
to sit in the chimney corner. Serves
you right. You had no bushes to
eat. Nobody ever heard of fat
lady in historical novel anyhow.
You must be graceful like a rope if
you want to get into the books.
The fashion plates say that hips
are entirely out of style and should
be thrown on the ash heap. The
skin tight skirt of seven years ago
is coming back into style. You
doubtless remember them. They
were laced in the back with a
whangleather or drawn together
with wire stretcher and buttoned
with a monkey wrench. They
made woman hop around like a
Kangaroo and look like clothes
pin. If she stopped over to bow at
a dance a button whizzed across the
room and busted the chandelier or
killed the fiddler. AS clothes come
back in style every seven years
perhaps it would be wise not to
throw things on the ash heap but to
preserve them for future reference.
Clothes properly preserved will
keep indefinitely. Many years ago
when I worked in the canning fac
tory thirty of the girls who sealed
and labeled the cans got so warmed
up drinking fermented fruit juice
that they took off all their super
fuous clothes and sealed them up
in cans and labeled them. They
got mixed in with several thousand