davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05
Cf1la &>On and OFF the Bread Wagon
BENG Hord dLuck1a Dooes
~&n=-F an6zISA By Cherries Dryden

braid. Somehow, msn win do those
things. Maybe It's vanity. However,
set out digging up the past The old
home was broken up, but ! found Lulu
in the neighborhood- She was pleased
and likewise scared to see me, since
I was supposed to be dead. A boat
that sailed the day left>twenty years
before went under with all hands My
friends thought Iytook. the dereliet and
had mourned me allsthese years.
Still. with my corpse eliminated. the
meeting was happy one. Asspasm
OF pain crossed LuIu's face when we
shook hands and she got a fash OF my
SIS diamond ring. Did that sparkling
gem remind her Of the pallid beau,
who, like myself. proved tickle 2.
Heaven forbid! It shocked me some
to learn that Sadie had married two
years after my death, but couldn't
blame her for that Lulu directed me-
to the place and went to call for old
times sake.
Sadie KNEW me In q minute and
biushed as she led me by the hand.
sa 1 had led her into the back yard
twenty years ago. only our sentiments,
time tempered, were vastly different
For an hour we talked. avoiding the
shot tower, and then the subject OF
loves young dream came up and we
both laughed
m those days" she said.
From the tone l. inferred Sadie was
not stuck on them now dnces shet had
married. one. That's different Mean
. while Sadie dispatched fleet courters
{ into the neighborhood to round up the
children for my inspection. She
: brought out the silken star. ] made
twenty years ago and the sight Of 1t
3 pleased me much. was glad about
Gfat- ND q wa uran 0I n
breast for the woman who had not for
gotten it Soon the, children came
whooping in, led by asplump q and rosy
girl with the golden braid down. her
back-the Sadie of twenty. years ago.
My thoughts grew lumpy and wistful
look stood in the mothers eyes
when I took the little fat hand and
caressed it
This is Henrietta, my eldest" the
woman said simply. 80
Like one stricken dumb. i bent my
head In silent awe and wonder, That
well-spring Of human devotion was too
deep for my rope. Right there dawned
the conviction that the first opening
buds Of true love. larded with pork and
mustard in thesvirgin breast. cansnever.
never die; for Henrietta. you remem-
ber was the name Of the pig whose
death gave birth to- my romance. And.
I oh, how lightly had'I cast aside the fit
full god. who comes not at set COM
mandi ~
AT once became Blighted Being
and waddled away without another
word for one more look at the shot
tower. There was,I, old and beefy and
bald, plugging on alone through life.
Twenty years Of bliss gone forever, and
years Of misery, perhaps, yet to come.
The shot tower still stood where
spurned 1t IN the burning past. Moss
and ivy draped the tall stone shaft.
and the base had gone to ruin A po-
Hceman told me the institution on
which might have reared q happy
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05
Fab1es for. the oo1ish~19z11 ~19z111cnu<4eAz.,e

ing dead But there may be a few
people in the world who are desirous Of
possessing a laurel wreath, even IL 1t
has to be placed on their coff1ns, and
for their sakes we shall attempt to
outline in as graphic a manner as pos
sible the formula for the accomplish
ment Of high-class, blown-in-the-bot-
tie heroism.
Leonidas Hobson Jones was one OF
the common people. He came of
family that had always paid it's debts
and never renigged on its taxes. They
had also been among the most strenu-
GUS critics Of the way other people at
tended to their affairs, especially peo-
pie who had more monev than they
did. In glowing terms they would de-
pict the shortcomings and general
worthlessness of the criminal rich and
the corruption and malfeasance rife
among those high in political power.
1t may be seen from this that they
were emphatically of the common peo-
pie. Leonidas was born into an atmos-
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

scalded the remains In q small dinner
pot, scraped and dressed them, and
split the immature spine from snout
to tail with the penknife, the only
weapon employed in the crime. The
job was done beautifully If do say
1t. From that moment the love-stung
Sadie worshiped at my shrine. I was
her unconscious hero In everything,
pig-sticking included; and none but her
modest self knew the sweet story Of
untold love.
: AS an Ideal struck high G in two
long jumps. Any man who could In q
single day merge the fine arts Of the
Armour & Co. stood out from the COM
mon herd a beacon Of love and hope
and happiness eternal. All / knew was
that from day to day Sadie sat as
usual in the home circle, listening to
my lies, jokes, repartee and bonmots,
mostly about furniture in misfit houses
I never saw her alone, and never
thought of doing SO, for that matter;
but all the while the silken star stunt
were getting In their fatal work.
At length there came q day when
the furniture wagon palled on my
thirst for conquest, and shipped as
cook on Northern tugboat bound up
river. A farewell party In my honor
was pulled of in the German family.
The mother, Lulu and her pallid beau,
his alleged diamond. the married sister,
her baby and husband, who worked In
a shot tower, and few social neigh
bors assembled to see me of. We lap
ped up several scuttles of suds and I
never was in better form. Not until
later did I recall Sadie was not among
those present. In fact, I failed to note
her absence. At the breakup Of the
party I dispersed to the tugboat and
slept in bedless bunk below the wash
Of the tide. -
Early next morning a sad-faced
messenger arrived with a note from
Lulu concerning her little sister. Sa-
die had cried all night and until 2
o'clock in the morning. The reason
she sidestepped the farewell party
was because she loved me and feared
she would break down and show It.
The note wound up with request for
me to return at once to Sadie. This
great trouble, sprung so suddenly,
Inspired me to show the note to the
coarse, able seamen on the tug.
wanted advice. Some of them looked
curiously at me and others laughed,
but when l proposed to go back they
grew alarmed and tried to dissuade
me. Just the same, / went, and found
the old lady alone In the sitting-room.
She treated me with Difference and
respect.
What seems to be gnawing Sadie ?"
I asked, being impervious to Cupid's
dart, and therefore fluent Of speech.
IT don't know said the mother.
Sadie is such funny girl She
didn't appear to care for fellows till
she had the spell last night.
You don't think I've trified with
her?"
mo, indeed" replied the mother,
much distressed. She's in the kitch-
en-. Go and talk to her."
In the kitchen Sadie stood at the
table with her bare arms reposing on
a pile of dishes in the center OF a
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

of assistant pilot on a furniture wagon
at New Orleans. Another fellow drove,
and steered the bureaus and bulky
bedsteads up flights of narrow stairs
built like well augers. In this genteel
manner I amassed neat but not
gaudy sustenance in fair weather: for
when it rained my salary and meals
paused at the same moment Is
When not cruising In the wagon !
roomed at the home of a German wom-
an in an humble quarter of the city.
She had a grown family, two Of the
girls being at home. Lulu was nine
teen and reveled In beau-a thin, pal
lid person, who wore in his shirt what
believed, at that time. to be dia-
mond Sadie had seen but sixteen
summers and waded in the muck Of
as many winters. Plump and rosy.
and with a great rope of yellow hair
hanging down her back she pined In
secret. The mother dropped the flag
on anything that looked like a beau.
and in the sanctity Of home Sadie
dreamed of the misty future when she
would trot IN double harness with hsr
ideal. Poor, deluded maidenl
AS an annex to the family there
dwelt in cracker box in the back yard
two sickly runt pigs-Henrietta and
Myrtle. Their abode was not a JOY
Gus one. Stunted in body and mind
and fretful in confinement, Henrietta
and Myrtle grew peevish, morose and
melancholy. They fought and sQuealed
like married sisters living in one house,
but the tragic finish was drawing on
apace.
On Sundays, in the evening and on
rainy days, when the furniture wagon
hit bottom and stuck fast, loitered in
the bosom of the German family. We
always were there in bunch. and
batted 800 or better in the en-
tertainment class. My repertory in
cluded a cruise in a United States war
ship; and the marvellous tales of hair
breadth escapes and things that oozed
from me won Sadie's admiration and
turned her golden plait shade lighter.
Also, I embroidered for her q silken
star Of great magnitude and beauty,
such star as the naval bluejacket
wears on the crown Of his fiat cap.
With a set of tin hoops brought from
the ship and some colored silk thread
I built a multi-pointed star that made
the entire household blink. At the
same time, l enmeshed Sadie's budding
passion, but was not wise to the fact
I had started something that wouldn' t
stop.
On the afternoon Of that same day
the mother invited me to murder
Henrietta The pigs in the cracker
box could go the route no longer, and
a fearful family council decided on
Henrietta 1 never had assassfnated
any swine; but, with the prestige Of
my warless war record and the silken
star cleaning like a halo on my brow,
/ agreed to shed blood. So they
brought the doomed Henrietta to me
in the kitchen, where the family as
sembled, a prey at once to furtive pain
and fresh pork.
Grasping the piglet around the mid
die IN one hand, as though she were a
sausage, my faithful penknife flashed,
and Henrietta yielded up about one
spoonful of nfe's crimson fluid.
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

large pan She had been weeping.
and smothered sob racked her
bosom when she saw me. Being
aware that washing dishes exercises
morbidly unwholesome effect on
girls of 16, took Sadie by the hand
and towed her gently into the back
yard. This was indeed q bad break,
for when the troubled maiden beheld
Myrtle biting splinters In the bot
tom Of the cracker box the scene con-
jured UP visions of the departed Hen
rfetta and the part she had played
in our young lives.
The poor child broke down utterly.
She laid her head on my shoulder and
cried. In me there arose series Of
sensations the exact location Of which
do not now recall. l felt shocked
and foolish by turns, and yet guiltless
of intent In bringing about such q
calamitous episode. For want of bet
tected. dishwatery hand and begged
her to cheer up. Sadie was pretty and
nice and all that. and her distress
filled me with vast anguish How I
mentally cursed the silken star and
Henrietta, the victim Of those subtle
wiles will never know.
Why don't you stay here3" she
asked. commandingly. You've uav-
eled enough and seen all the worldi
and we like you. Some day q boat will
sink and that will be your end"
! explained the reasons for shifting
my base Of operations. but the plan
did not suit Miss Sadie.
If you will stay hsrs In New Or
leans" she went on softly. sweetly
get you Job In the shot tower, where
you can earn enough to keep us both"
Had a large shot tower fallen on
the back OF my neck 1t couldn't have
Jared any more. My works stopped.
like those OF watch dropped from a
height, and when the works resumed
1t occurred to me 1 was confronting
a crisis. The first and only formal
proposal Of marriage ever slammed at
me had landed and was taking the
full count Holy smoke! With the
skill Of the quick and ready liar
handed the girl fragrant bunch Of
paper flowers.
Sadie I said. at makes me dizzy
to toll in shot towers. Moreover. I'm
and if 1 desert now I'll be hanged by
the neck until dead. Could you stand
that?"
A mist of tears clouded the blue
eyes, quenching the love beams there.
and hastened to pass another bou-
quet over the footlights.
But when I've cooked everything
they have in the boat then will I come
back to you 1 promised.
She took that as my pledge to be
her sturdy oak. and Sadie would be
my cIinging vine. Then I plastered a
chaste and rapid salute upon her
blushing cheek, deeming 1t my duty,
and hiked out for the river front,
bound to the maiden who loved me for
my deeds alone.
At this points gentle reader. we
jump a lapse of twenty years, during
which / heard no more of Sadie. A
few days ago I struggled back to New
Orleans and fell to thinking of the
little blue-eyed girl with the golden
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05
F7IMWXIE

noting to do wit tings dat is not like
odder tings. and you'll live to be a good
old man wit a digestion and bank
account"
had to give me son a straight talk
because I seen de danger he was in,
and knew dat If I didn't put him right
at de beginning he might toin out a
reformer and break his ladders heart
Dis was de way of it.: Kiddis comes
home from his school for q weekend
once a mont, and he's wit US now. /
was asking him how his loining was
getting on. and he says 1t was all to de
good, for he sure would make de foot
ball team. But he tells me dat he had
been so boddered in his coco by some
ting upper class teacher said he was
way off in his indoors practice wit de
dummy he has to tackle low so as to
get de science of trimming q runner
bard enough to put him out of de
game.
What was it he said, Kiddie2" I
asks. mo teacher has a right to bod
der de COCO of de school boys so much
as dat. What was he saying?"
i hears 1t from one of de big boys
for ! don't loin dat study yet-po-
htical economy. But de big boy comes
to me, and he says dat New York has
no Senator in Washington. and 1
ought to be 'shamed Of meself So I
poked him in de nose, and I got dis
black eye; and I want to know why
dis is so-dat de teacher says New
York has no Senator in Washington"
You done right to poke him in de
nose, my son." / says, because dat
was not a nice ting for de boy to say.
But It's pity' some one doesn't poke
de teacher in de nose. He's de mug
what should get tirty days in jail No
Senator from New York! Me son, we
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

about the quality and cut Of his clothes
and his lack of a truly gentlemanly
and impressive bearing. Leonidas
might have pointed out to the critics
that 1t is extremely difficult to bring
up family on a small income and be
a gentleman at the same time. In ad-
dition to his other troubles the men,
bers who had been added to the fam
lily circle through the various entang-
ling matrimonial alliances which the
brothers and sisters Of Leonidas had
contracted were unable to understand
why he couldn't earn money for the
support of six or seven as well as OF
three or four When the second gem
Grafton began to put In its appearance
1t was up to Uncle Leonidas to see that
the deficits in the family exchequer
were met, as well as to provide the
requisite amount of silver spoons and
mugs and lace caps and other frills
and furbelows Of infant existence.
But why continue this recital any
longer! 1t Is a common tale Of a very
common, not to say vulgar, person. and
can be of no possible interest to really
genteel persons. Leonidas stayed in
the game as long as possible and then
died quietly and unostentatiously. In
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

close and short on worry-dat was TAX
ing tings easy and looks like dey was
plying de odder mugs-dose ] puts
down on de odder list.
Mr.. Paul, he looks at me lists, and
den he kind Of laughs and he says:
Which Is which?"
Don't ask me, SIR" says. I'D be
ashamed to guess aloud such an easy
one as dat"
kiddie told me Of de teacher, and he
tells it to Whiskers to get q rise out
Of him. He got 1t all right. Whiskers
put UP a stack OF Doodle for dat
school years ago when 1t needed II In
it's business, and he was for going
dere by de next train and have dat
teacher fired.
Hes no better dan a nannychIsti"
he says. "Tings has come to a pretty
pass he says. 'Tf de morals of de-
youts of de nation Is to be corrupted
at de pump. / have seen in some OF
de papers de same wicked tings dat
dat nannychist teacher says; dat New
York is not represented In de Senate.
Who isn't represented Isn't de con-
servative, vested-interest class repre-
sented, want to known
Better in our beloved State dan In
most States" says Mr.. Paul.
II should tink sol" says Whiskers.
DO de nannychists and Huns tink dat
we. .who-wit de widows and orphans
have our money invested IN railroads
and express companies. Is to go unrep-
resented In de Senate? Nonsensel Do
de people tink dat we are going to let
lot OF tariff tinkers and rate raiders
break into de Senate, and scatter nan
nachy and disorder and free trade and
bombs and reform and dynamite all
over de country"
'I shoulde hope not. SIR" says Mr..
Paul. II remind you Of an incident
which shows what de people really tink
of nannychists and bonn trowers. Once
a citizen said he would give his life for
free ltrade-and de people wouldn't
elect him Mayor Of New York. Den
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

phere redolent Of hard work, and the
fact was impressed upon him early in
his career that the chief end Of man
was to labor increasingly. whether he
wanted to or not.
Therefore it was without any mis-
givings about the dignity of1abor that
he entered upon his life work. It isn't
necessary to say what that particular
work was. All work Is pretty much
alike, except that, some kinds are hard
er. than others. It's always the work
that the man who is telling about 1t
happens to be doing at the time that
is the hardest. Thus q writer Of his
torical novels envies the hodcarrier and
the man who shovels snow off the side
walk looks with longing eyes at the
job of the man who has to work only
sixteen hours a day to pay the taxes
and the interest on the mortgage. Re-
turning to our point, II 1t hasn't been
hopelessly dulled, we would say only
that Leonidas had to work for q living.
He hadn't been in the game moro
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

home had been closed down more than
fifteen years. OF course. that helped
some, and yet am not satisfied Lurk-
ing there, in the shadow Of that busted
shot works, the might-have-been rose
up to reproach me- Dimly. as IN fog.
I saw q phantom doorway. Above the
door q phantom sign: &C. Dryden.
Esq. Fancy Sewing and Pork Butcher"
Beyond the portal a circle OF little
faces and glowing dresids at s11 per
ton.
Too soon the picture faded. giving
way to the duh horrors OF sunny
front room for single gent; references
given and required: bath optional,
where these bleeding lines were writ
ten Oh, well; what's the use7 Let
the dead past stay dead. don't care.
There must be something wanting IN
the sentimental side OF my makeup.
Either am not ladies' man or else
I lacked the nerve to take chance
In the next. and concluding, chap
ter, am dragged into Chicago jour
nalism and become q Thinker OF
Thoughts for publication, thus ending
q Hobo career where some others be-
gin It.
Copyright. 1905. by Charles Dryden-s
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

has two Of de finest. Dey Is cut out
for team woik; one Of 'em never made
speech in his life, and de odder never
made anything else. Can you beat
'em2"
If it wasn't dat has such q good
job where I am I'D go to dat school
and teach dat game-political con-
ony. know politics; know dat it is
a trade dat Is governed like every
odder trade or commerce, dat 1t Is gov
erned by de law of supply and, be-
damned. Where good Senator Is
called for dere is a good supply Of 'em
on hand; where only a second-rate ar
ticle is wanted, of course, de supply
gets a bit moldy and fraxzled But
New York; what7 We wants de
best In de market and we gets 1t.
I tells me son someting like dis, and
yet he is woozy on de proposition. for
he says dat de same teacher told : de
big boys dat Senators should represent
all de people of de States.
On de level, did you ever hear such
rot like dat? One Of our Senators
represents de railroads, and de odder
de express companies. Isn't dey bet
ter dan de people? Has de people any
railroads for to be took care Of? Has
dey any express graft to be kept in
order? What right have de people for
to butt in and try to get SENATOR I
tell you, boss. dat dis matter is gov
erned by de law Of supply and be-
damned, and you can't get away from
dat If de people had q supply of rail-
roads or express companies tucked
away in deir jean pockets, den 1t
would be time for dem to set up
holler for Senator or two; but while
dey has only a supply Of hot air where
do dey come in on de proposition?
But 1T isn't dat de teacher teaches
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

addition to making the poor fallow pay
his own funeral expenses. his brothers
and sisters stuck the estate for the
Grape and flowers with which TO give
the proper touch to his last appear
ance.
The day after the funeral his aged
mother awakened to the fact that L,e-
onidas was the only genuine, simon
pure hero who had ever acted q part
on this earthly stage. BY dint OF con-
slant repetition she has succeeded In
impressing the same profound truth ON
the rest OF the family and also on ths
neighbors. Every year they put flow
ers on the grave OF Leonidas and weep
silently and softly because they didn't
appreciate him while he was living.
Being one OF the common people, ths
truth which Leonidas' story teaches Is
OF necessity q very common truth re
Is simply that not only a mans valet.
but every one else who knows him. re-
fuses to invest him with the garb OF
heroism. The only way to ctnch the
laurel wreath Is to behave yourself
fairly well and die at a convenient
time. Then some one win surely CROWN
you IN proper fashion.
Copyright, 1904. by Albert Bntt)
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

THERE are two kinds OF heroes,
newspaper and posthumous.
The former are created as a re-
A suit Of the exigencies Of modern
journalism. A good story composed Of
equal parts Of scare head and human
Interest is needed for the front page,
and forthwith a hero is born. It isn't
necessary that the man should have
done anything remarkable or even that
he should be in existence. A good re-
porter with ready command Of Eng
ish and a fair facility on the type
writer can manufacture three heroes
In one evening, and not overwork at
that.
The creation OF posthumous heroes is
little more difficult. No one objects
10 being a hero, especially when Mr..
Carnegie is around, but there seems to
be a strongly rooted prejudice against
becoming posthumous, even heroically
posthumous. Viewed simply by itself
and as a pure abstraction, there isn't
enything particularly heroic about be-
The San Francisco call., 1905-03-05

let-up in the dim distance. but he
never made q worse mistake In his
whole life. No sooner had his brothers
and sisters arrived at an age that
would permit Of such step than they
forthwith butted headlong into the an
cient and honorable state Of matri-
mony. Marriage Is a serious business
always, and it proved especially so in
this case for Leonidas. He had had
some kind of vague idea for a num-
ber Of years that he would like to take
a little flyer at matrimony himself and
had postponed the evil day only until
his brothers and sisters could help him
take care Of his aged mother. Now
that they showed no disposition to re-
leve him Of portion of his burden
he realized that he was up against 1t
for keeps.
1t wouldn't have been half so bad If
any one had seemed to realize what
kind of lone hand Leonidas was
playing, but no one was wise. On the
contrary, kind friends from time to
time bore to his unwilling ears critical
comments that they had overheard