The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-12-28
OLD BILL, THE
HUMAN PUZZLE
Almost Every Boarding House in the
Country Has Just Such a
Character.
New York SUM-

and In all ourboarding house there
owells@no more important person. Some
OF our members stand for the world,
some for the flesh and some (and let
this be whispered, although their num-
Der is fortunately few for the devil,
but Old Bill stands simply and stead
fast for the old school, its manners and
greceE, its .uiceties and distinctions, It's
belief IN the Best People ana it's horror
Of the vulgar ..-.-~ Seed,
In appearance he is 90, has a color
/ that has once been fresh but is now
notified, dropping gray mustache, blue
eyes given to bulging and way Of
putting on and taking of his eyeglasses
that a prince might envy. It is not
until he walks away that a critic finds
his shoulders bent, his legs shal1y and
his steps uncertain When old Bill
talks he gives the impression of a peer
OF the realm. When he bows 1t is the
salutation OF q Beau Bruu1mel But
when he walks away IL is the retreat of
petulant old man who win kick the
cat or who VIII not kick the cat as he
happens to feel about it.
For the best people, By which Old
Bl}l means himself and all those whom
he envies, he has the liveliest admira-
ton. but we sometimes fear that he
finds us very trying at our table. When
new man comes and sits with US we
give him three days to get snubbed by
Old Bill. At the end of the third day
1t always happens that the newcomer
sits gloWertng at the head Of our table,
while that gentleman is so studiously
grand in his manner that the cOlored
waitress tiptoes around him almost
shivering in her fright. The snubbed
one comes to us and asks for an ex-
PLANTATION.
TT,5ov.b{1T cove. sarr,,,.,,,t 49,, -
noticed the configuratiOn of the back of
his neck? II is typical Of the confirmed
/ drinker.''
Jawnson says: ''They say that when
he left his last place they found a bot
tie Of cocaine in his closet. OF course,
7 don't know, but haven't you noticed
how irritable he often gets until he
goes UP to his room and then how he
comes down smiling"
Hodgins says: L know a man who
knew his family They say he had
trouble with his wife and she left him
It makes him moody at times, and
don't wonder, either. They say she
was lovely Woman until-and then
you know"
Buckley says: ct have heard that
when he was a young man he worked
IN bank and his accounts We're short,
It was hushed up for the sake of his
family but it's a black mark against
him and Will be as long as ne lives"
But these are private remarks, ut
tered only for secret circulation and
have not the least apparent connection
with the smiling elderly gentleman at
the head Of our table who is bowling
with such a manner at an old doWager
across the room. When he has bowed
to his hearts desire he will favor us
with select table talk beginning, "a
very successful doctoF-a friend of
mine" or "a leading lawyer I'm the
city-a friend Of mine"
Such an arbiter Of elegancies natural
ly becomes an umpire in merest argu-
ments. When appealed to one dinner
time for the origin of the term ''pig-
iron" he made a note of it The next
night he beckOned us TO hold. our heads
forward and then whispered with Wis
ible embarrassment and furtive
chances around the room that pig
iron" was so called because it was cast
in q mould called q Sow
K
Old Bill knows all thesoldests families
and speaks OF them IN tones of SNUG
familiarity. He reads certain even
ing paper and quotes. from it with an
air of rapt devotion. He abhors slang,
automobiles, dogs, toothpicks, I'm
perialisnf' and low persons with an
identical degree OF horror and has an
infallible methor of denOting his feel
ing toward public citizens. If he says
MISTER Cleveland" we know that
our only living ex-president pleased
him, but If he says that man ROose-
Welt" then we know that the present
occupant of the White House lacks
much that is desirable.
It is in the parlor that old Bill shines
in fullest radiance, surrounded by the
doWagers and holding conversation in
his grandest old-school manner.
These are the moments in which the
best people are applauded. detnactors
Kissed and all barbarians utterly ana
thematized.
Once there sat at.our table a Philis-
tine-he who found and applied the
name ''Old BnPAwhose mission it
seemed to be to wave red hgas of an
archy before our head.
where's the SKINNED millr?'' was a
favorite.
Immediately Old Bill snapped the
waitress to him.
Pass me the oFeaEnr' he. Kissed with
a glover at the offender and with those
slow accents in which despot might
say, "Off with his headv'
Or the I LQllSUQ6 SIlC6F6Oi at TIE Ll6dC.
''Stiu;" he shifted IT suppose I can't
expect anything better in cheap Joint
like this"
'M-m-m-mi'' moaned Old Bill. mar
ticula4ely raging.
Once the Philistine scared alta vast.
gheight
81 see.'' said he. ''that there swas a
raid last night at the Hotel -
! (naIning a very old and very stately
that was Old Billfs special
delightl.
''Raid?" asked Jawnson. '-WhX2'
"Disorderly house-fOund' a poOlrOom
in the back parlor, toof
That was the night and that was the
tmoment when Old Bill chOked over his
coffee. The inoorrigfble one left a few
days afterward and we breathed more
freely again.
Old Bill is the only one at our table,
who banks at the waitress, and the re-!
suit is that he sometimes watts so
long for his moRning chop that 1t is as
much as a strong mans life is worth
to say Good morning 70 him When
he exp1odes Ella preserves silence, but
nevertheless Old Bill interrupts the ex-
splosion at frequent intervals to ex-
claim, Don't you dare speaR back to
me. You mustn't answer me back.
Do you understand
Each of the four theorists atrenath--