davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

were miserly with their funds, that the
miner crashed down handful after hand
full of silver and notes. calling for all
the fluids in the world 70 drown the i'm
putation-
Thus the work was accomplished.
With his own guns we drove him from
the field. And then we had him carted
TO 4 distant small hotel and put tc bed
with his loose change and his sealskins
and strangely smelling dead birds
tucked in around him.
He VIII never find Cypher's again. .
said Kraft. He will propose to the
first white apron he sees in a dairy
restaurant tomorrow. And Tilly-I
mean the Natural Adjustments
savea.
And back to Cypher's went we three.
and. finding customers scarce, we join
ed hands and did an Indian dance with
Tiliy IN the center and sang some glib
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

could almost see the diamond tiaras
on Tilly's brow and the hand-embroid-
cred silk Paris gowns that he meant
to buy for her.
At last the boll-worm had attacked
the cotton-the poison ivy was reach
Ing out its tendrils 20 entwine the sum-
mer boardcr-the millionaire lumber
man. thinly disguised as the Alaskan
miner. was about to engulf our TiHy
and upset natures adjustment
Krat1 was the first TO act. He leaped
up and pounded the Klondiker's back.
Come out and drink" he shouted
"Drirk first and eat afterward .
JudkiEs seized one arm and I the other
Gayly. roarIngly. irresistibly. in jolly
good-fellow style. we dragged him from
the restaurant to a safe, stuff1ng his
pockets with his embalmed birds and In
diGestible nuggets
There he rumbled a roughly good-hu.
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
an AD,QjSTMENT OF NATURE b OFENRY.

shoulders. And then he strewed the
table with the nuggets. stuffed ptarmi
gans, bead work and seal pelts of the
returned Klondiker. and began to prate
TO US OF his millions
Bank drafts for two millions" was
his summing up. "and thousand a
day piling up from my claims. And
now I want some aeef stew and cam
ed peaches never got off the train
since I mushed out OF Seattle. and I'm
hungry. The stuff the. niggers feed you
on Pullmans don't count You gentle
men order what you want
And then Tflly loomed up with a
thousand dishes on her bare arm-loom-
ed up big and white and pink and awful
as Mount Saint Elfas-with a smile Ike
day breaking in gulch And the
Klondiker Il rev down his peIts and
nuggets as dross. and let his Jaw fall
halfway. and stared at her. You
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
Not in a Thousand Years.

Does the aforesaid World take the
Patient Gently. administer an anesthe-
tic, Palnlessly remove the Various and
Var!forn1 Vermiform Appendices. place
nm IN a Comfortable Cot surrounded by
q Nurse and Tiptoe from the Room.
leaving something 70 Take when he
Wakes?
Not any of those. Thank you.
Instead OF that she (for DR. Grundy is
a Lady Surgeon) Roughly estimates the
Probable Location of the Trouble takes
a few Swift Smashes AT the patient
with a Dull Axe. Jerks oct the Dis
eased Parts, lets him Stand up or Fall
down as the case may Be- Gives a
Parting Kick df she isn't too Busy
and goes on her way Whistling Bede-
liza or Mr. Fishers weli-known Horn
pipe, OF something Equally Serious.
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

It's C.nch that none Worth Saving
ever Dies under the Knife.
The cases that the World lets Alone
the ones whose Pampering Pregenitors
have supplied them with so much un-
laundered Lucre that they need not
pass the Worlds Impartial Examina-
tion-those are the Hard-hit Harrys who
grow into Distorted and Cheap Imita-
tions Of Real People
No. after I had Sized Up this Liber-
ally Loved Lad OF Secretary Shaw's
State and had Carefully Cogitated the
Whole Matter. I concluded that the best
could do for Mammals Marvel and
Papa's Phenomenon. the Village Cut-up
the Neighbo:.ood Show-on and all
round Men.al Athlete, was to let him
Caper.
In fact. that was all I could have done
Anyway
iound myself Fiendishly Hoping
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
He SayS Ford ParefztsR Put
Rocks III the Ratk0 0ftkeIr
Pets.
By STRICKLAND w. GILLIAN.

" HE other day on a Local Choo-
Choo running through Iowa, 1
saw an Onion that had the Same,
Opinion of Himself that 1 had
of Me when I Was Similar Vegetable
1t was only a Foxy md Thought Oh
my Part that Kept me from putting him
Out Of his Misery
I knew It would be difficult for me to
Convince Twelve Q2) G. NJ. and T. that
I had laid the Icy Hand on the Adde'S
cent Rooster for his own Ultimate Good
The average Jury would have Arrang-
ed to have my Attenuated Form Fes-
tooned from a Leafy Bough or safely
Sheltered in a Bat Emporium as a Sig
nal Instance of Foolish Freddie, or
Whence Came the Insects.
But my Claret Pump certainly did
Bleed Profusely to Witness the Rocks
toward which this Frail Dory was Drift
ing
own Salad Period, l could see Mere
Bumps for this Neddie Knoitau than
seventy-Eight (7) Lightning Calcula-
t6rs could have Footed Up in all the
Centuries since the Unfinished Chicago
Pcstofice was Founded
Yearned to Gently, But Firmly, Kill Him
He was Mammals Joy and Papa's One
Weakness.
That Fact was Inscribed all over him
like a Taken Powder Sign on the De-
ceased Walls.
And didn't yearn TO take him Away
TO some Unfrequented Place Whence
his Muffied Cries could not reach Human
Ears and Gently. but Firmly. XIII Him?
ASK me.
You see, I knew just how ne Felt
then; would feel in about Ten Years
from Now; and by means Of what Body
Blows and Torture the present sweetly
Seductive and Satisfying Asininity
would be Separated from his Person.
How did know?
Now 1 am forced to a shamed Con-
fession.
Because 1 had Been There.
When I was. Small Child I was d
Perfect Prodigy. in the eyes OF my Dot
ing Parents
The aforesaid D. P. had had a Phony
Tip from some Unconfrmed Chefoo
Grapevine that, though they had Fol-
lowed the President Eliot Recommends
ton up 20 Number Seven %. the only
Real Thing that had been Vonchsafed
unto them was little Cutie
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

Our fears must have been prophetic.
for on that same evening the wild
wood discharged upon US Tilly's pre-
ordained conflscator-our fee to adjust
ment ard order. But Alaska and not
Wisconsin bore the burden Of the visi-
tation.
We were at our supper of beef stew
and dried apples when he trotted in as
if on the heels OF a dog team. and made
one of the mess at our table. With
the freedom of the camps he assault
ed our ears and claimed the fellowship
of men lost in the wilds Of hash house.
We embraced him as a specimen. and
in three minutes we had all but died
for one another as friends
He was rugged and bearded and wind
dried. He had just come off the trail, +"
he said. at one of the North river fer
ries. I fancied 1 could see the snow
dust of Chfcoot yet powdering his
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

Bosom of the Boomers, Beat my Bulg-
Ing and Braipy Brow against the IN
yielding Earth. Kicked me in the Brief
Ribs. EXpectorated on me. Rubbed it
In, showed me few Expert Opinions
by Disinterestvd Parties 70 the Effect
that l was the very Speaking Likeness
Of a Cipher with the Rim Removed. and
Otherwise Impressed Upon me what a
Hit / had Made with It,
It convinced me that Small Maps Of
the World on Mercator's Projection had
CarelAssly Omitted or Studiedlv Ignored
the Township where / had been known
az a Cerebral Celebr!tJ, and that even
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
AFTER A WHILE

After while you mean to try
To banisn this fevered rusla and strife
That's goading you on-this hue and
That's wearing away your soul and
life.
After a while you mean to find
Time for the word and time for the
deed
That comes and goes in your surging
mind
After while you mean to heed
After while you mean to try
To finish the task you left undone;
You mean TO commence-it brings a
sigh
To attain the end you left unwon
After a while you mean to move
The portals away and let your heart
Bestow the loye-that selfish love
You haven't the time now TO impart-
After a while you mean 10 try.
Easily spoken; alas, my friend.
The day is beyond where earth and skv
Meet In the midst-'tis a long roads
end
After 4 while. when you reach the crest.
The word and deed you mean to heed;
After a while you mean 10 rest
Rest, ah, yes-twill be rest indeed,
Milwaukee Sentinel
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

never think of her as existing outside Of
Cypher's. There nature had placed her.
and she had taken root and grown night
ly. She seemed happy, and took her
few poor dollars on Saturday nights with
the flushed pleasure Of a child that re-
ceives an unexpected donation.
We saw her once rigged out for Coney,
and were left gasping- She passed out
through the restaurant and trumpeted to
Us a cheerful salrtation that would have
been a battle-cry away from the din Of
Cypher's. Blinded by blues. stunned by
purples9 and cadium yellows. paralyzed'
by brilliant and shimmering tans and
browns, and cowing- before the Babylon
ian garden nodding upon her head, we
let her pass like some panorama upon
the stage. But before she had gone we
saw that Kraft's theory of adjustment
had scarcely been violated. Primary and
startling were the colors she wore. but
you might as we'll have criticised a
prism as have found fault with her
wearing them. 1 could think Of nothing
but the Yosemite at sunset.
1t was Kraft who first voiced the fear
! that each of us must have held latently.
1t came up appropos, of course, Of GER
tain questions of art at which we were
hammering noe of US compared the
| harmony existing between a Haydn
symphony and nistache ice cream to the
exquisite congruity between Tilly and
Cypher's.
| There is a certain fate hanging over
Tilly." said Kraft ''and if 1t overtakes
her she is lost to Cypher's and to us"
she Will grow fat?" asked Judkins.
She will go to a night school and be-
come refined?' I ventured. anxiously.
'It is this said Kraft, punctuating
| in a puddle of spilled coffee with a
stiff forefnger- Caesar had his Bru-
tus-tIfe cotton has it's bolIworm, the
chorus girl has her Pittsburser, the
summer hoarder has his poison Ivy. the
hero has his Carnegie medal, art has its
Morgan the rose has its
Speak" l interrupted. much per-
turbed. You do not think that Tilly
will begin 30 lace?"
| "One day" concluded Kraft, solemnly.
there Will come to Cypher's for a plate
| of beans a millionaire 1umberman from
Wisconsin. and he viii marry Tilly.''
Never" exclaimed Judkins and I, in
horror,
"A lumberman." repeated Kraft
hoarsely.
And millionaire lumbernan"' ]
sighed, despairingly.
From Wisconsin," groaned Judkins.
We agreed that the awful fate seemed
to menace her. Few things were les:
improbable. Tilly. like some vast virgin
lstretch of pine woods. was made to caccl
the lumberman's eye And well VI
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

mored protesa. That's the girl for my
money he declared. "she can eat out
Of my skillet the rest OF her life Why,
1 never see such fine girl. I'm going
back there and ask her to marry me
guess she won't want to sling hash
any more when she sees the pile OF
dust I've got"
you'll take another whisky and milk
now" Kraft persuaded, with satan's
smile. "I thought you up-country fei-
lows were better sports.
Kraft spent his puny store OF coin at
the bar and then gave Judkins and me
such an appealing look that we went
down to the last dime we had IN toast
ing our guest.
Then. when our ammunition was gone
and the Elondiker, still somewhat sober
began to habbIe again of T1lly. Kraft
whispered into his ear such a polite
barbed insult relating to people who
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

on Eighth avenue. say took" When
we had money. Cypher got it ''off Of
us, as he expressed it. We had no
credit; we went In, called for food and
ate It. We paid or we did not pay. We
had confidence IN Cypher's sullenness
and smolderIng ferocity. Deep down In
his sunless soul he was either a prince.
q fool, or an artist. He sat at worm
eater desk. covered with files Of walters
checks so old that I was sure the bot
tomest one was for CLAIMS that Hendrick
Hudson had eaten and paid for. Cypher
had the power, IN common with Napo-
leon III and the goggie-eyed perch. of
throwing a film over his eyes. rendering
when we left him unpaid. with eyre
gious excuses, I looked back and saw
him shaking with inaudible laughter be-
hind his film Now and then we paid
up back scores.
But the chief thing at Cypher's was
Tilly. lilly was a waitress. She was
grand example Of Kraft's theory of the
artistic adjustment OF nature She be-
longed, largely. to waiting, as Minerva
did tc the art of scrapping or Venus to
the science OF serious Irritation. Pedes-
tailed and IL bronze she might have
stood with the nohlest Of her heroic
sisters as 'Liver-and-Bacon Enlivening
the World" She belonged to Cypher's.
You expected to see her colossal figure
loom through that reeking blue cloud
smoke from frying fat just as you ex-
pect the Palisades to appear through a
drifting Hudson river fog There amid
the steam of vegetables and the vapors
of acres OF ham and" the crash OF
crockery, the clatter of steel, the
screaming of short orders" the cries OF
the hungerfng and all the horrid tumult
OF feeding man. surrounded by swarms
of the buzzling winged beasts bequeath-
ed us by Pharaoh, Ttliy steered hey
magnificent way like some great line.
cleaving among the canoes of howlfnr
| savages.
Our Goddess of Grub was 3uilt on lines
so majestic that they could be followed
only with awe. Her sleeves were al
ways rolled above her elbows. She could
have taken US three musketeers In her
two hands and dropped US out of the
window She had seen fewer years than
any OF us, but she was OF such superb
| Evehood and simplicity that she moth
cred US from the beginning Cypher
store of eatables she poured upon W
with a royal indifference to price ant
quantity. as from a cornucopia thai
/ knew no exhaustion Her voice rams
| like great silver bell; her smile wa:
| many-toothed and frequent; she seemed
| Ike a yellow sunrise on mountain tops
/ never saw her but I thought of tn
| Yosemite And yet. somehow. 1 ccul
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

And there are Such even Yet IN this
land Of Boosted Individual Freedom,
CIoId me a Moment 10 keep me from
Breaking Loose and Playing Herod. lest
there be another Crop Of Gesticulating
Juveniles coming On)
I was Earnestly Taught TO believe that
the Patient old World had Monkeyed
Along just ANY old How for several
Thousand eYars. waiting for the Inef-
fable It. all of Whom was Stated TO
be Which
People who came to our house and
were given Willy-Nilly doses of Double
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
FISH STORIES.
MR. BLACK.

Mr.. BLACK.
White and I went out for trout about
week ago
Whites catch wasn't very heavy-nine
was great you know
One I hooked-a fine two-pounder-
nearly got away.
Here's a picture of the beauty, taken
yesterday.
White was pretty sore, reckon at my
streak of luck.
Said I was the luckiest fisher he had
ever struck.
Guess I'll go again next week If 1 can
spare the time;
Last weeks trip was elegant-rhe Weatn-
er was sublime
Mr.. WHITE.
Black and 1 went out for trout about
week ago.
I was lucky from the jump; Black didn't
stand a show.
Sixteen speclzled beauties-sixteen! Isn't
that a few?
Poor old Black. he tramped all day and
only landed two.
Here's a picture Of a corker; two POUNDS
fat he weighed
Thought that I would lose him. though;
a rafting fight he made
Black and l went out for trout dooue
week ago.
I was lucky from the jump; Black didn't
stand d show
THE URCHIN-
Two swell guys came out for trout about
a week ago.
All DER tackle it was great, and gee; dey
had the dough.
See dis paper dollar; well, dem felleri
gave me two
Jes' fer givin' dem some trout caught
IN Masons slough.
One OF dem was mighty fresh; lac called
me little brat.
Jes' de same I got his dough. so let 1t
go at dat.
Two swell guys came out for trout about
Il week ago
All DER tackle it was great. and geei dey
had the dough.
William F. Kirk. IN Milwaukee senti-
mel.
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

berish verses of Judkins'. Her laugh
was so ike the whistle of ferry-boae
that Cypher. who was Jersey COM
muter. raised the film from his eyes.
and we had TO stop
This. I say. happened three years ago.
And about that time a little luck de-
scended upon US three. and we were
enabled to buy costlier and less whole
some food than Cypher's. Our paths
separated. and I saw Kraft no more and
Judkins seldom
But. as I said, saw painting the
other dey that was sold for 5000 The
title was .Boadicea.'' and The figure
seemed to I'll ell out-ef-doors. But of
all the pictures admirers who stood
before 1t. I believe I was the only
one who Ionged for Boadicea to stalk
from her frame. bringing me corned-
beef hash with poached egg.
L hurried away TO see Kraft. His sa-
tanic eyes were the same, his hair
was worse tangled, but his clothes
had been made by tailor.
II didn't know I said to him.
We've bought a cottage in the Bronx
with the money" said he. ANY even
ing at 81
Then said I. when you led us
against the lumbe-the-K -Klondikerit
wasn't altogether on account of the
Unerring Artistic Adjustment of Ma
ture?"
''weIl, not altogether" said Kraft,
with a grin
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

would have but One Tossel in each
room. and when that one was Ruth
lessly soiled by the Thoughtless Guest,
I'd let him Dry his Face on the Carpet
or the Pillow-Case
1 would follow Custom in still Another
Particular: 1 would locate the Hostelry
so Closely in Juxtaposition to the Rail-
road that the Gentle, but Insistent, At
tar of Hog might Mingle Freely with
the Atmosphere of the Sleeping Rooms
whenever the locomotive of the pig
train stopped TO Water
1 would make the Meals notable for
their Lack of Edibles-
I would have no Call-bell service
would bring up the Iee-Water warm.
and the Hot-water Lukewarm-
n Brief. 1 wouldn't do a durn thing
a Real Hotel is expected to do except
to Charge So per day and for Fractions
Thereof.
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

knew the habits of the Badgers. once
fortune smiled upon them. Straight to
New York they HE, and lay their goods
at the feet of the girl who serves them
beans in beanery. Why. the alphabet
Itself connives. TIE Sunday newspaper S
headllner's work is cut out for him.
"Winsome Waitress Wins Wealthy
Wisconsin Woodsman." For while we
felt that TiIly was on the verge OF being
lost to us.
It was our love of the Unerring Artis-
tic Adjustment OF Nature that inspired
us. We could not give her over to a
lumberman. double accursed by wealth
and provincialism. We shuddered to
think of Tilly. with her voice modulated
and her elbows covered. pouring tea IN
the marble teepee of a free murderer.
No. In Cypher's she belonged-tn the
bacon smoke, the cabbage perfume, the
grand, Wagnerian chorus of hurled IRON
stone china and rafting casters.
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

be Taught by the other Yaps to feel
III a Duckshot in Wagon-load of
Powders; that some Legion of Lusty-
Lin.bed Louis would Haze him Plenty
as often as he tried to stick his Head
NJ, until he Wore the Right Expression
on his Face
Then he would have Some Sense.
1t would Hurt. but it would be Neces-
sary.
II Parents didn't make such egotisti-
cal little Snobs out of their Ignorant and
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
A Theory of Art, Fixed
Around COrned
Beef Hash.

N AN art exhibition the other day
saw a painting that had been sold
for $1,000 The painter was young
scrub out of the West named Kraft,
theory. His pabulum was an unquench-
able belief in the UnerrIng Artistic Ad-
justment of Nature. His theory was
fixed around corned-beef hash with
the picture so I went home and let 1t
drip cut of a fonntain-pen. The idea of
Kraft-but that is not the beginning of
the story.
Three years ago Kraft. Bill Judkins. a
poet, and I took our meals at Cypher's.
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

Being too Infantile to see the Moves
in the Game further ahead than the
temporary Soft Snap 1t supplied me.
foolishly Encouraged the aforementioned
Z. P. in their Prodigy Hypothesis.
In fact. I Believed It Myself
l was one OF that Brand Of Inferna;
Nuisances that was Stood on Box or g
Chair and made to Speak Pieces or Sing
Songs for Company
l was so Smart my Folks were Afraid
they would Never Raise me
And Everybody Else was afraid they
would
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

If the Patient have Good Constitu-
ton ne nay Recover.
But the Surgeon doesn't care a Whoop
Ether?
Absorbent cotton?
DisinfeS1e=l Instruments2
Trained Nurses?
Clinical Thermometers?
Cots?
Antisepticized Dressings?
What are Those2
Yet the majority of DR. Grundy's Sur
gicai Subjects pull through ana a Graf
flying Few of them are Cripples as a
Result of her Off-hand Surgery
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

Commonplace Onsprings there would be
less Hazing for the aforesaid Parents
to complain to the Faculty about
In other Words. they Should not Shove
into their Precocious Pets the sort of
Trumpery that makes the Worlds Sur
gicaI Operation Necessary.
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
Discovered the Merciless Truth.


When l went TO Buy the first Suit of
Clothes I was ever Permitted to Buy
Unaided. the first Full-Length Mirror
l had ever Encountered told me the
Merciless Truth: That a String-halted.
Spawned. reei- footed. Knock-kneed.
Rheumatic Dromedary was Graceful and
Alluring as a Persian Dancing Damsel.
compared with Mothers Delight.
l found Later that there were Scores
Of Scrubs who didn't think themselves
Prodigies at all, who could make Rings
Around me at the very Things in which
I had always been Encouraged to Re
gard myself as Invincible.
In other words. while my Parents had
Ever been very Democratic, they and
had always been very Exclusive in
the Opinion we had of Me and my nat
ural. Predesr!ned. Supernatural. Sap
iency.
We had been Willing enough 20 Spread
the Glad Tidings. but the Word. with
almost Criminal Careiessness. had Re
fused to Avail itself.
And then. as I Ogled this Onion.
shuddered. IN my Love for him, to think
how the World would Do things to Him.
DR.. Grundy finds a new-made Man
on her Hands with a lot OF superiuous
Machinery in the form of Opinions. Self
Apprecia ZION. and other Camp Impedi-
ruepta
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

If ever I get as Much as Twenty Whole
Dollars at once. am going to the Mid
die West. fad a Small Town, and start
a s. Hotel
With the Remaining SIS I will buy
Postal Cards to Notify my Friends of
IL
would Follow Custom. and have a
Single Cake of Scented Second Hand
Soap Cpink in Color to Circulate among
the Rooms
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
Things Have Changed.

Things Have Changed.
To this Day those People Hate the
Memory of me. and I go Blocks out of
my Way to Avoid Meeting them.
For things have Changed
You Bet they Have.
When my Loving Parents let loose
their Lingering Lasn and Sicked me
onto the Waiting World, expecting to
see me Eat il Alive. that AforeEIention-
its Lips. Spit on its Hands. Roll up its
Sleeves and Chortle Gloatingly: .'At last.
Al lastI
Then It took Marvellous Me by the
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
&iLliLe1u Qr1 CfziL1 S2acczzgles

Distilled Extract of Me never came Of
ten Afterward. unless 1t was to Bring
Whooping Cough or Measles in the hope
of Injecting the Angel-Child.
Somehow they weren't as Absorbed in
me as were my Parents and l.
The Washington times., 1905-07-16

the Teachers Institute before which I
had once read a Deep Paper was not
Indexed in the Encyclopedia Nux Vom-
lea
And More: That the Country Church
where l had been Sunday School Sec
retary for Two Years and read the
Minutes OF Last Sunday in a Loud,
Clear, Distinct Tone was Unknown 10
Shamefully large Per Cent of the
self-Centered and Pre-Occupied Ignor-
ami in other Counties.
The Washington times., 1905-07-16
How Gillian Would
Conduct q Hotel

Being a Brief and Fleeting Afterthought