The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-03-14
ToRRID IN TtLLAMooK.


The suplhuric monstrosity, endowed
with neither genius or brains, nor
power of discernment between news
and calumny. who prssides with braz-
en- effrontery over the Tillamook Head
light was afflicted with perspiration
under the collar last week. The As
torian published a statement of truth,
founded upon facts relative to obsolete
news items appearing in that cesspool
of journalism, obtained in the usual
way of editing that publication-the
pastepot and scissors, TO which the
irridiscent ass takes exception. 1t is
the truth that always hurts. Tilla-
nook seems TO be afflicted with an epi-
demic, bubonic plague and is so un-
fortunate as to have in its midst a
petrifed old crank in human form,
devoid Of brains and who immagine>
that he is the whole push. These pes
tiferious old warts on the face Of ma
ture are quarrelsome, meddlesome,
cranky scumgullions. This cipher of
Journalism imagines that ne has great
power and influence in the bailwick
where he dumps his offal each week
through the columns Of the Headlight,
when as matter of face he has about
as much influence as maggot in the
carcass of o dead mule but not as
much brains.
Darwin in his work on the Origin
of Man" claimed that man descended
from the monkey and produced many
plausible statements in proof of his
assertion. Had this great political die
tator of Tillamook been known to Oar.
win at the time, the author would have
had a good subject upon which to base
his statements, and he certainly must
have had some such an individual in
mind when he wrote the book. Such
a calamity cry comming from a man
whom we have no evidence had ever
taken a bath or changed his shirt since
associating with respectable people
was enough to frighten a marble cat
tydid into convulsions, and the entire
population of Tillamook from the may
or to the wingless buzzard who is dis
satisfied with everybody and every
thing.
The Astorian would not intentionally
wound the sensibilities of those earn
est but ignorant souls who imagine
that they possess journalistic ability,
but the car Of progress cannot roll for
ward without crushing an occasional
viper. The practice of fencing a ma
tion with a few Wildeyed prophets, or
sending a single soldier forth armed
with hair-trigger hoodoo and thel
jawbone Of a defunct jackass to drive
great armies into the earth. gradually |
fell into disuse. When the priest Of
Baal were IN route to Moab's capital, |
for cursing purposes, an angel tried to !
withhold him, and even his burrol
bucked him; but the angels nor bur-
roes are exempt from the law Of
evolution. In Tillamook when this i'm
imitation Of a burro let's slip a roast at
those who presume to question the su-
pernal wisdom Of his creed-or politics
the angels are supposed to flop their
wings until heaven is filled with flying
feathers, while every blatant jackass
who takes his spiritual fodder at that
particular rcik unbraids his ears and
brays approyingly.
It is amusing to see these little bi,
peds straddling painfully to purify |
the town and it's inhabitants. These
microbes actually imagine that the
world. sun, moon and stars were made
for their special benefit, just as the
fieas on cur dog suppose the canine
was created for their comfort. And all
Of this time this behoofed and be-
honed devil with leathery wings frey
nostrils and prehensile tail with jaye-
lin point kind of unholy cross be-
tween a Pasiphean minotaur and al
prohibition mugwump - resembling
nothing in the heavens or earth, or
the waters underneath the earth, un-
less it is the prohibition platform-isl
going to and fro through the classic |
precincts Of Tillamook seeking new
jobs to af1ict with fostering sores and