The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1905-02-10
A SPORT AND PAPER DINNER
no WHICH SIN FORD MAKES 4
FEW REMARKS on TRADE.

The American Paper and Pulp Assocla-
ton. or seven hundred paper sports. as
that lugubrious length of fun the Hon.
Sim Ford dubbed its members gave its
twenty-eighth annual dinner at the Waldorf
Astoria last night. Besides doing some
thing more than justice to the dinner
the papermakers accomplished two note
worthy things. They named the Rev.
DR.. Minot j. Savage pastor OF the Church
OF the Messiah. their chaplain in perpetuity,
because, they said, they needed one, and
they elected Sim. rs to nothing, Minister
Plenipotentiary and Ambassador Extraor-
binary 10 the Court OF Good Humor.
Postponing his retirement for the thir-
teenth time, Mr.. Ford thanked them in
Fordian classic.
George Knowlton, retiring president OF
the association, presided and introduced
DR.. Savage az a man who can talk as well
as preach. Dr. Savage said he was glad
no had been elected perpetual chaplain,
but ne was sorry they had given him no
hook 20 hang a talk on.
You have heard Of the old Methodist
minister who would never write out his
sermons" said he. "The old gentleman
was very wary of the devil. Old Nick. he
knew. hung over the shoulder OF preacher
who scribbed his sermons early IN the
week. and read very word that was set
down The result was that the devil
spread himself oil over the parish before
Sunday got around and neutralized the
effect OF the sermon. Therefore, SAID
be. I'm keep my thoughts to myself. and
when I go into the pulpit the devil him
self won't know what am going to say
That, said DR.. Savage, was exactly his
case
Il will tell you how we get up these after
dinner impromptu speeches, he went on.
"We 90 over the files of newspapers. clip
out all the Joe Millers and NOISY mots that
we can get hold Of, string them together
with a few quite modern quips and Quirks,
and deliver the lot, hoping that the stories
are 80 old that nobody in the present genera
ton will remember them.
DR. Savage had few things to say about
the paper makers and their trade that were
wildly applauded. Here is a miracle
said he A piece of white paper and an
alpha bet, few arbitrary characters. stamp
the characters on the paper and. on, the
wonder and the marvel OF II all Hamlet
lives there. Milton takes lis up into heaven
and Dante draws us down into hell Inc
human race is made one
After telling the paper men that they
were responsible IN part for yellow Jour
nalism and that they had made II possible
for Tom Lawson of Boston to become
frenzied about finance. he said:
Il wonder whether these days of frenzed
endeavor are worth while. after all; We
talk about the marvellous rapidity with
which a man can be carried from Chicago
to New York. but, after all, isnt IT more
important what a man docs when he gets
to New York; We can talk by long as
lance telephone across the country but
the most important thing IL what we say
over the telephone when we tax
Curtis Guild. Jr., Lieutenant-Goyernor OF
Massachusetts, talked about The Man
Behind the CRATER. the respectable citizen
Indifferent careless and lazy, who makes
it possible for grating TO exist socialism,
he said. Ia the horror OF Americans to-day
but the man who IL doing more to promote
socialism than anybody, as well as anarchy
and communism. is the highly respectable
business man who buys legislation ana
trlckles to crime to save himself loss or
trouble.
When Simeon Ford was introduced there
was a roar of anticipatory laughter simeon
had these things to say to the papermakers'
REMARKS or SIMEON FORD.
BILL Shakespeare. who was a pretty in
30 damned paper, Black as the ink
that's on thee A sentiment in which
heartily concur. after struggling to get up
a speech for this occasion.
Il am honest enough 10 admit that II ~
| a struggle for me to get up speech. Some
U "a
/ all they have TO do, when called upon after
| dinner Is to assume look of pleased sur
| prise. and a boiled shirt, rise up ana let
! ideas and aphorisms. and beautlful thoughts
| ripple right out of them like beer out OF a
spigot. Well I'm not built that way!
/ beautiful thoughts do not ripple out OF me
! worth n cent They have to be pumped
! out with a double back action vacuum
/ pump. and they come out so slowly that
/ they are apt to be stale, fiat and ln proilt-
able when they arrive
aJust picture TO yourself the life OF a
chronic after dinner speaker! he goes
! home at night, worn out with the cease
( less struggle To do his business rivals as
! they would do him, and with the thought
! of an impending dinner hanging over him
! like a dark cloud He surrounds himself
with several quires OF your best cream
/ laid note, the encyclopedia, Joe Miller )
joke book, Bartlett's Quotations. a sypnon,
/ and a quart OF the fount OF inspiration.
/ His family gathers around him and plays
/ on pianolas monographs, conversation
. and other wind Instruments; his vile re-
ntes her days adventures with the cook
his yotln Ccst son seeks Information con-
corning cube root and kindred horrors.
the baby INDUCES in cholera infantun in
the adjoining apartment, and, in the midst
of this beautiful domestic scene the orator
composes his mind for the production
Of that which shall hold his audience spell
bound. compel its admiration and evoke
its enthusiasm. And when. as sometimes
happens. he slips up, his audience says
@'Well hasn't that fellow got the nervef
| could make better speech than thnt
with my intellect tied behind my back
Well just try II. that's all! You fellows
Just chuck lot Of rags or pulp and stun
into a boiler. the machinery does the rest,
and out comes your beautiful snow white
virgin product and you call 1t a day work
But us orators-I repeat, us orators are
the cusses who have 10 do the real labor.
Look nj the stun we have 20 boil down.
As Byron remarks (see Bartletts Quota
tons. page J53l;
But words arc things. and small drop Of Ink.
FALLING Ike dew upon thought produces
That which makes thousands think
In nv time | have spoken before all
kinds and conditions of tin men. straw
mon. doctors. printers, bankers, brokers
and others OF the criminal and sporting
classes. crowned heads. sore heads and
fat heads. and | have survived, and 20
have they--most Of them-but in going up
against 500 paper sports, / realize that, NJ
last. | am up against II.
Even my standby-the encyclopedia
failed me this time. II says the early history
Of paper making is shrouded in mystery;
and paper making Il still a mystery 10 me
ut least How you can take a tree from
the forest cut IL down, chew il up and
convert il. in trice with the aid Of n venisl
press into a SUNDAY supplement full OF
Buster Browns and Happy Hooligans and
/ Gloomy Cusses. II beyond my imagining
J r., Quota Rfll again Won