The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-06-10


of July celebration. He has simply
been kept hoeing corn from January
TO December without a break TO 20
fishing or see balloon ascension. He
was permitted to buy eddie and
scrape on Il solely In hopes that he
misht ASive the mice and rats out Of
the house. Under the excitement OF
drink be now demands $i4 per month
and board and washing as hired
man. and. falling to get II. he will run
away and become cowboy or
pirate. Even II he gets II he wants
a Saturday holiday and every Sunday
evening to 90 and spark his girl.
"My dear friends. must I tell you
what followsi feel that must, but
1t ia with an aching heart, and such
OF you as are overcome by your feel
ings and are obliged to 90 ont doors
to get your breath back will be excus.
ed for the same.
THAT hard cider. has got In its 6enh.
iah work. The son forgets that be ID
q son--the father and mother that tbey
are parent and husband and wife. They
Jaw. they wrangle. they cafi names.
they shake their fists under each 9th.
er's nose. and Satan stands there and
smiles and urges them on.
Suddenly the wife and mother
makes grab for her husbands gray
locks. and the scrap La on. There are
kicking and biting and hair pulling
between the three for a few minutes.
and then they separate for more muir
derous work. The wife remembers
that the butcher knife Is lying on the
Kitchen table where she left II after
slicing the pork for breakfast. The ia
ther remembers that the newly sharp
ened ak IL at the door, and the son
brought the family crowbar downstairs
with him when he came, thinking 1t
might be required to poke the FIRE Two
minutes later all are armed and dash
ing into the conflict. and there is ha,
ha, ha! from Satan as the sharp steel
NuhH anu lfit Nio" bdI VI Iuioeo.
let US skip over a period Of fifteen
| minutes. The cat, who has lost her tall
from blow OF the Ak. Is looking
around and wondering where II went.
Satan has seen his work complet-
ed there and has passed on to repeat
It at Farmer Jones'. The father lies
here. the mother over there, the son
against the front door. All are dead.
II is needless to say that none Of them
died OF consumption or typhoid fever.
Upstairs there ts a spectacle to make
rhinoceros shed tears: down cellar
that barrel Of hard cider Is still CUR
Cling and chuckling and waiting for
fresh victims. II Is not satisfied with
the three deaths, but Is lying low for
the hired man when be comes home
from sparkling his Sarah Jane.
II have presented you with Q terrible
picture. but 1t Is one drawn from life
and can be depended on. Barrels Of
hard cider are snuggied away In hun.
dreds OF thousands of cellars, and each
and every one Of them Is awaiting Its
victims.
Satan 10 going around the country
disguised as Uncle Rube and calling
at every house as he goes. You need
not 60 to the saloons and brewerles of
the towns to plant murder In your
hearts and bring tragedy into the fam
lily circle. You have simply to 60 down
cellar and turn the spigot Of that cider
barrel. The insIdlous beverage will do
the rest.
There is sorrow in lager beer, grief
In claret misfortune In old rye and
tragedy in cognac. but when the hard
cider gurgles look out for Satan and
murder.
IF you feel that you must have
something besides good well water, and
root beer fails to relieve that tired
feeling. then turn to buttermIlk. II nev.
er changes. As It was In tho days Of
The prophets SO II Is now. II sOothes In
the morning, comforts In the afternoon
and lies down like lamb at night. II
may not Increase the yield Of buck
wheat on the farm, but It will keep
peace In the family and leave the cat
to carry her full length Of tall until old
ago and q natural death overtake her.
my friends, l am done. have given
you 50 cents worth of lecture for half
that sum. and as the distance to my
next town Is thirteen miles have got
10 get an early start to be there In time
for breakfast and to post my bills.
IF have given you newer and high
er ideas. I rejoice. II l have failed to
convince you that 1t is your duty on
going home tonight to roll your barrels
Of hard cider out where the cows and
calves can have a fair show at them,
then am sorry and tender my humble
apologies for taking up an evening
which might have been spent In sorting
over potatoes or playing checkers."
NJ. QUAD.
Special Round Trip Exeursioa Rate
for Astoria Day at Lewis a Clark