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The Washington times., 1905-09-24
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Address SHORT STORY Washing Sunday Times
Payment OF will
OF The Times ~
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Two Campaign Incidents.
BY II. s. SUTTON, GOT I Street North
west
awarded prize Of 60 !

CAwarded prize Of Sd
Voting in the District of Columbia be-
ing confined TO the annual elections of
ofhcers in the several labor. fraternaI
and patriotic organizations. necessarily
increased interest attaches thereto. A
Few years since Dexter Kehoe, now OF
the Treasury Department, ran for nres-
ident OF Columbia Typographical Union
ana was elected, by the wa.
On his rounds he buttCnhoI.d an
oDdurate proofreader without avail
Noting a bunch OF cigars protrudine
from Mr.. Kehoe's pocket, his friend
reaching for one. asked: II suppose
this goes?"
VI course" replied that gentle
man. but it does look like foraging
on the enemy's country"
IL. Y. Brooke, Familiarity known as
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Had Some to Spare.
Sy FRED M. sHRING, 1910 Third
Street Northwest

A young preacher in delivering his
first sermon to a small rural congrega-
ton in New Jersey, took for his text
the parable or the Aves and the fighes
itls sermon was veil put up. but in re-
citing his text he got it somewhat mix
ed up and credited the Saviour with
feeding five people with 3. eco ioaves and
two fishes. After the services his atten-
ton was called TO his error by one OF
the deacons. The next Sunday morning
he surprised the congregation by an
nouncing that he would again preach his
sermon or last Sunday, as his attention
had been called TO an error.
This time ne was more than particu,.r
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

nation. Recently I sent one OF these
circulars to the postmaster at Saranac
Lake, n. Y. asking for the postofice
address OF man that formerly resided
there. This is his reply:
''saranac Lake n. Y. Aug. 4. 1905.
H. G.. Ellis:
Dear sir-Would say In reply to your
inquiry about Mr.-, the cars ran
over him and killed him two years ago
In regard to his postoffice address. the
Bible says: Judge not, that We be not
judged Respectfully.
WILLIAM Z. ROBERTS
Postmaster
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Another on Uncle Joe.
BY GRETCHEN HOOD, aoe rvelfth
Street Soufr-veet

Oncie Joe Cannon has been the sub
ject OF so many jokes. it's a wonder he
doesn't get tired; but all big men ike
notoriety, so here's one more:
Uncle Joe had been stopping al the
New Willard for some time, when he
invited a party Of men 10 dine with
him The first thing on the bill of fare
was creamed corn. Let II be said here
tnat Uncle Joe is a great lover OF
corn in all styles. shapes. and sizes.
The waiter knew his capacity, and
served the dinner IN accordance there
with The corn, which was deHciousIy
cooked, was enjoyed by all, who began
to look forward to the dinner with in
creasing appetites. But great was the
surprise, when the next dish was
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
BOILED CORN
W ZE COB
want to work for is to get a grand piano

want to work for is to get a grand piano
as I am no mean musician"
My friend told her she would not suit
and went again TO the intelligence office.
She requested the head of it to send the
direct opposite to the girl they had sent
before.
The next day the new servant arrived
apparently from the wilds OF Virginia.
My friend commenced first with;
DO you ride a. bicycle?"
No'm,' was the reply.
Do you play the piano?"
Nom" was again the reply, "but I
kin learn"
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

she asked whether dem young lady
arts without clothes on were made M
by the artists out of their own heads,
or whether they had -'sho nuff young
ladies' for patterns" The general in
formed her that the artists had .'sho
nuff' young ladies for models Aunt
Lucy then heaved a deep sigh, and said:
We'll, all can say is dat am mighty
glad dey amt none O. my color among
EN-"
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

corn, also, in another form. Nothing
was said. however. although looks
We're exchanged But the surprise gave
way to open amazement when the
waiter next placed on the tai bic huge
dish Of boiled corn on the cob.
Pitch in, boys said Uncle Joe, seiz-
ing big ear. But it was too much
for one gentleman. who leaned over
the table and asked:
Say, Joe, this is pretty expensive
place. isn't itZ'
Yes" replied the Speaker
How much do you pay here. If you
will pardon the question:,
''Oh, about ten dollars day. ! guess.
Why?"
Well. look here. Joe. Doesn't it strike
YOU that you might do better by going
to a stable?"
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

EfORM laws have lust been
* promulgated in the republic of
4 Mexico with a view TO striking
a deadly blow al the great ma
tiohai vice. the consumption of puIoue
Ierhaps nothing has done more to re-
'@Iu the advancement of a large nro-
portion of the population of the renublic
man the habit of drinking pulque. Ref
ormation. however. is regarded as hardly
more easily 10 be accomplished than the
elimination of beer-drinking in American
cities - q II
30 hrmly rooted Is the habit AMONG tho
poems Of Mexico that they would sooner
'eiinquish two meals a day than thei,.
Slasses OF pulque. Thousands OF Thorn
Keep themselves in a continuous condj-
ton OF torpidity from excessive con
sumption of the deadening liquor. The
habit has become disease and Their
nerves are powerless to combat The
craving for the drink
Even more difficult TO combat than tho
iohsinS Of the lower class for the drink
- the influence Of the planters. who
nake fortunes through the cultivation
liz liz sale OF naguey. the plant from
nIllch pulque is distilled. So great nro-
po'tons have been reached by tbs trad.
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

10 recite his text as it should be. Ap-
preaching the deacon after service -
remarked with smile:
Wen. deacon, have / made the mira
Gle plain this tirnesH
Yes. replied the deacon. but there
is really nothing so remarkable in it"
Not remarkable" rejoined the youne
preacher And how many could Won
ieeo. SIR. on five loaves and two fshesr.
ferhaps ten" replied the deacon.
And what would you do with the
others. STRIP
why said the deacon, with a
tWlnKie IN his eye. II would give them
Wnat We had left over last Sunday
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Knew a Good Thing.
ny KATHA1HE SHLBY TODD.
Sne1byyflle, Ky.

The Rev. Mr.. Craik. of Louisville. Ky.
who visited Washington during Presi-
dent McKinley's administration, had his
children with him. One day they were
PLAYING on the street as Mrs. Mckinley
drove by. She was attracted by their
bright faces. stopped her carriage anG
called one of the little boys to her. Then
she kissed him on the cheek. At once
he began to rub his face.
why said his nurse. don't rub OF
the kiss the pretty lady gave you"
am not rubbing il of I am rubbing
IL in," the little fellow replied quickly.
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Absolute Proof.
BY A. WHITE, Eighth and Streets.

- x6, zig Bnrn and , Streets,
Lieutenant Jones was third officer of
his ship and was being courtmartial-
ed for being inebriated while on duty.
He asked permission of the court TO
call his man, who, he said, could prove
that when he retired to rest he gave in
structions to be called early in the
morning.
The Court Ito the servant)-Is It a
fact that your master instructed you
10 call him early in the morning, fol-
lowing his alleged breach Of duty?
Servant--Yes. your honor.
The Court-Did he assign any reason
for being called early?
Servant-Yes, your honor. He said
he was to be Queen OF the May.
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Undoubtedly True.
"S ELSIE M. PINNEy, ZOE E,v,.,
street Northwest.

"A ciereyman of Richmond, Va u,h,,,
oul oriVlng late one evening. recentiI' i'ii'
happened to pass the home Of an 80 -,
servant Of the fsr,iIit Vio
whose son he had heard was ver,- go. >
GOOD evening. Nanny. how :. piet
ara inns evening"" inquired the ,ntrin irI,
FQhIy. sab. very polly" reniied -.
ora hegress- DE doctah say jf ~ J.r1 Iis
,ih mawning he may rekubber h,, 'iD ~
ne don [ we kin glib up all hone =, -
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Got What They Wanted.
BY GEORGE z. BAILEY, Beuning
ID.
awarded prize OF ss.)

awarded prize of So
The firm OF Case & Goddard. of Hart
lord. Conn. has long been out of bust
ness. put some years ago it was one of
the leading wholesale grocery houses of
New England.
The members of the firm, distrustine
iaWyers' made it their policy to avoid
All hngation. if possible. and for awhile
they succeeded in so doing.
FINALLY. in spite of their care. they
became involved in an extensive law
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Proud of Her Race.
BY A. C, oUIsENBERRY. 4r.
vile, nd.
LAwarded BIC ID Il

'1H""Iutd prize 0f SD
ten. j. c. Breckenridge. late .ips,oo,-
general of the army, has had a., -
employ for great many yesrs a -. 80.
estimable old colored woman for nh
ne and all his family feel the sine.
attachment Some years ago no too,.
her TO see the Corcoran Art GALLERY a,S
showed her through the entire conc
tlon OF pictures and statuary. Neyar
during the whole time did she mako
single comment, but remained as stoica1
az an Indian After they were throuc,,
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Didn'' Want the Job.
sy MILTON 16ARTELLE. Pal,
Church. Va

a simpie-ninded man from Virginia
round his way one day into the office
OF the vice PRESIDENT of one of Wash
ingtons street car companies. and
asked him fr place as motorman on
one or the ers of the company. The
vice presiden saw that the man was not
capable Of 'unning a car, so he told
MIN. In ordhr to frighten him away.
that every mploye of the road had to
advance s25 TO the company before he
could take place.
HUM nplied the man, 'ff 1 had
s25 I wouldn't want your d-n job, and
stalked from the room.
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
One on the President.
~ xxo3A q. SCEu1DT, a17 Fourtf
6trost Southeast.

~ 84O8A Os 0CAUA0V, 317 Fourth
8frost Southeast.
tAwaroed prize of SD
A delegation Of Indians recently
called at the White House and were
cordially received by the President
In tho course OF his address the Great
Father made many 1attering remarks
about the Indians, which were al
ways received by cries and grunts of
Barukfi Barukd." In fact, the cry
was repeated so often during the
Presidents howery speech that It
made quite a favorable impression on
him. and no was much pleased with
the hit he was making with the In
dams.
Mr.. Interpreter" he said. at the
conclusion OF his speech, what do
they mean by their fBarulfi Barukir"
That. Mr.. President" answered the
interpreter. '1s the Indian word for
hot air."
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
lHE GREAT VICE OF THE MEXICANS

III puIque that daily four pulque trains
Is Iod1s or the Intoxicating liquor The
udIiy volume or the pulque business for
.le past SIX months has averaged sixty
two car loads The HidaIeo NIa%i~.yy,
ana interoceanic railroads. which handle
te the bulk Of the business, have pooled
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

Windy" now publishing the Critic.
In Crenshaw county, Ala, has this one
told on him During his canvass for
votes for delegate to the international
union he made a speech to a group in
the Government Printing Office To
the effect: Gentlemen. my name will
be on the ticket"
Not afte' I get through with it"
was the reply of one Of the audience
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
A New Hymn.
BY I. n GIBSON, 716 North Carolina
Avenue Southeast.

At a special service IN a Baltimore
church, a few weeks. ago, a young lady
was to sing What Are They Doing in
Heaven Today
The members of the committee hav-
ing in charge the printing Of the pro-
gram were not familiar with the exact
title OF the piece, and in the first copy
prepared for the printer they had il:
Anything Doing in Heaven Today?"
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
The Safest Place.
by W. II WRIGHT, ea1 Twelfth
3treet Northeast.

street Northeast.
Gen. Robert E Lee used to tell a good
story about darky who served in the
civil war. I seems that during the
heat of battle the general and his at
tendants wre posted on a small knoll.
watching TIE course OF the action. They
described a colored soldier running to-
ward them, ieaping over obstacles in his
path. his face blanched with fear. He
rushed up . Lee and fell headlong on
the ground crying. "Oh, Massa General.
let me stay here" Lee saw at once that
the man was almost frightened to death
and useless as soldier. 1t Disguised
him, but his curiosity was aroused. and
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

country Americans are especially sub
scct 70 mental arrangement from indul-
Behce IN the use Of the liquor. after the
use use OF the comparatively mind liquors OF
me tA1ted states. = few weeks of dis
siPa tion, IL which pulque plays an i'm
poTlaht part. is enough to make almost
my dhny foreigner candidate for the mad
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Second Was Sure.
BY M. EDISON PELLETr, llo Second
Street Southeast

Ny mother takes great delight in tell
ing a story of her girIhood days She
and her younger sister one Sunday
evening went 10 a negro meeting in
northern Illinois
At the close Of the services. the col
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

he asked, did you come here to get
out OF the way OF the bullets?" "Yes,
Massa' said the darky. where de
generals am is de safest place on the
field"
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

ored preacher arose and made the fol-
lowing announcement:
There Will be 'meetin' week from
tonight the Lawd willin'. and two
weeks from tonight. whether or no.
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
No Such Luck.
BY MRS. l. H LoUGHBoRoUGH,
Bethesda, I'D.
CAwarded prize Of 81

(Awarded prize Of Sd
Some years ago a negro man who
had been burned out and lost every
thing but his wife and a number of
children, came 10 my husband for
help After he had related his tale of
Woe ny husband remarked: But you
saved your wife and children" .'Oh,
yes, Boss, he replied. Il saved them
ala poor man never has no luck
The Washington times., 1905-09-24

wan See slowly toward his wife and
said, in feverish, broken breath:
Go down stairs and get some cheese
out OF the cupboard, Samanthy; they
might-buy-some.
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
Willing to Learn.
81 MRS. I. H. LOUGBoR0UGH,
Bethesda, Md.
awarded prize of 81

awarded prize of 3D.
A friend of mine, a foreigner, went
to an intelligence bureau in Washing
ington for a servant. The first one
they sent her. a colored girl, came on
bicycle and was very airy. My friend
told her her duties. To everyone OF
which the would-be hireling objected on
the ground that she was not accug-
toned 10 such work.
In fact" said she 'I have q parlor
much nicer than yours"-looking
The Washington times., 1905-09-24
A Cautious Postmaster,
By HA8vEY q. ELLIS, 700 q street
Northeast.
(Awarded prize of 81

Special examiners Of the Pension Bu-
reau have circular letters TO send to DIFF
ferent postmasters in their districts.
asking for information as to address OF
witnesses they desire to interview in
cases in their hands for special exani-
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
Take kodol After EatiRt.

After a hearty meal a dose of kodol
Dyspepsia Cure will prevent an attack
of Indigestion, dyspepsia, gas on the
stomach. weak heart. sour risings, bad
breath and all stomach troubles. l.. A.
Soper of Little Rock, KY, says: "Ko-
dol Dyspepsia Cure deserves all the
commendation that can be given it, AS
she WAS three years old. She is now
six and we have kept it for her con-
stantly, but, of course, she only takes
it now when anything disagrees with
her. We feel grateful for the benefit
derived from its use and would not be
without it." Sold by w. G. Cook or
Peoples Pharmacy.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
A Warning to Ko:hers.

Too mnch care cannot be used with
small children during the hot weather
of the summer months to guard against
bowel troubles. As rule it is only
necessary to give the child dose of
caster oil to correct any disorder of the
bowels. Do not use any substitute,
but give the old fashioned caster oil,
and see that it is fresh, as rancid oil
nauseates and has tendency to gripe.
II this does not check the bowels give
Chamberlain Collie, Cholera and Diar-
rhoea Remedy and then dose of caster
oil, and the disease may be checked in
its incipiency and all danger avoided.
The caster oil and this remedy should
be procured at once and kept ready for
instant use as soon as the first indica-
tion Of any bowel trouble appears.
This Is the most successful treatment
known and may. be relied upon with i'm
plicit confidence even in cases of chol-
era infantum. For ssle by Peoples
Pharmacy.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
Good Demand For Apples.

The Chicago contractors who buy
apples in Colorado every summer Az
q little more active than usual this
season for the reason that they of all
other people realize the general shortage
in the fruit crop every where. The
buyers are also little more particular
than usual and in some contracts thus
far made have excluded such varieties
as Walbridge and Pewankee, while
gradings are. made on other kinds.
For instance they are paying 62ls cents
box for Jonathan, Winesap, Rome
Beauty, Willow Twig, Grimes Golden
White Water Pearmain. but Arkansas
Black Romantic, Missouri Pippin, Ben
Davis and LAWYER bring only forty-five
cents box. The growers are to Pick
and deliver all apples to the packing
tables and deliver them when packed to
the nearst railroad station, besides
boarding the expert foreman. Field
and Farm.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
Cole Younger Now a Promoter.

Cole Younger, one-time bandit. is
now promoter of electric roads. and.
at the meeting of the directors of the
Kansas City. Lees Summit and East
ern road, which was chartered at Jcffer-
son City, he was elected president of
the construction company.
Cole Younger said that the project
had been financed in New York and
Chicago. that he had secured the
greater part of the right-of-way and
that orders had already been placed for
the steel rails.
"My birthday is January l5." said
Younger, "and am going to celebrate
it by running the first electric car into
Lees Summit. We will have the line
completed to that point by January l.
As boy got acquainted with every
foot of the ground through which our
road will run. Later in life made a
great deal of trouble in that neighbor-
hood and now want, in a way, to make
amends by seeing that my old friends
and neighbors have facilities for bring
ing their hogs. cattle and corn to mar
ket. The road will be operated both
~ arI -
will be equipped with freight cars that
can be handled on steam lines. 1t is
the purpose to ultimately extend the
line to jefferson City, where it will
connect with the projected electric
road from st. Louis, thus making a
through electric railroad between Kan
sas City and st. Loui d"
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
Counties Agree on Water Use.

An important temporary agreement
was entered into at Montrose last week
between the commissioners of Montrose,
Delta and Ouray counties regarding the
use of the waters of the Uncompahgre
river and its tributaries for irrigation.
In previous years the farmers of
Ouray county, or the upper Uncompah-
gre river. have been permitted to use
all the water they could turn into their
headgates regardless of the amount
decreed to them. This caused short
age in the supply in both Montrose and
Delta counties and resulted in . great
loss to the farmers despite the fact
that most of the older prioritles are
held in these counties.
Pending final adjustment of the mat
ter the counties of Montrose and Delta
agree to see that the commissioner and
his deputy are recompensed for their
services. Unless Ouray finally agrees
to pay the officers, Montrose and Delta
counties will 90 into court to compel
Ouray county to bear its proportion of
the expense.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
Stop that CouSh.

When cough, tickling or an irri-
tation in the throat makes yon feel un-
comfortable take Billiards. Hourhound
Syrup. Don't wait until the disease
has gone beyond control. Mr.. and Mrs.
j. A. Anderson, 354 West 5th st. Salt
Lake City. Utah, write, 1--WE think
Billiards. Hourhound Syrup the best
medicine for coughs and colds. We
have used it for several years; it al
ways gives immediate relief, is very
pleasant and gives perfect satisfaction.
Csc, Soc and $l.OO. Sold by People S
Pharmacy.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
A Touching Story.

is the saving from death OF the baby
girl of Geo. A. Eyler, Cumberland, Md.
He writes: "At the age of IL months,
our little girl was in declining health,
with serious throat trouble and two
physicians gave her up. We were al
most in despair. when we resolved to
try DIR. Kings New Discovery for
consumption, Coughs and Colds. The
first bottle gave relief; after taking
four bottles she was cured and is now
in perfect health" Never fails to re-
lieve and cure toIgh or cold. At any
drug store; Soc and $1.OO guaranteed.
Trial bottle free.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
Size Of Texas,

This will help you to figure out Just
7n* large Texas really is. II you
nave star mathematician In your
family, tell him the number Of square
miles there are in the big state, then
tell him the population ~ the globe;
then ask him IL all the people in the
world were placed in Texas and It's
soil divided out among them pei
capita, how large would the mans
farm be who had a wife and two
children? When he gets through.
figuring, then whisper in his ear:
More than half an acrc."-Tex.
rkana (Tex.j Courier.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
Without Irrigation.

In few weeks the western slope will
be scene of one the most important
experiments ever undertaken by the
agricultural department of the United
States. The experiment will be to farm
W .hout artiiciil moisture. the mesas
on the western slope where it is i'm
possible to get any moisture except
that which is, received flom nature
Itself.
The experiment will be watched by
experts from all over the country and
if it is proven successful it is impossible
to conjecture what advantage twill be
to thousands and thousands of people.
United States Cerealist M. A. Carl
ton and Eugene Grubb of Carbondale,
are now on the western slope locating
a site for experiment. While no place
has been definitely decided on, it is
tnOuRnt LnaL tne meSaS III Cne extreme
southwestern corner of Eagle county
will be selected.
The kind of grasses and grain which
will be planted on these dry farms"
will be decided on by the United States
experts. The yield of each variety
will be carefully noted and complete
report will be made by the govern
ment.
1t is thought that the Colorado State
Agricultural college will continue the
experiment when Uucle Sam concludes.
Real Estate News.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
SoothiRt and Cooljns.

The salve that heals without scar is
DeWitt's Witch Hazel Salve. No rem
edy effects such speedy relief. 1t draws
out inflammation, soothes, cools and
heals all cuts, burns and bruises. A
sure cure for piles and skin diseases.
DeWitt's is the only genuine Witch
Hazel Salve. Beware of counterfeits,
they are dangerous. Sold by w. G.
Cook or Peoples Pharmacy.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
RHEUMATISM.

When pains or irritation exist on any
part of the body, the application of
Ballard's Snow Liniment gives prompt
relief. E. w. Sullivan, Prop. Sullivan
House, Ell Reno, o. T., writes, June s,
1902, II take pleasure in recommending
Ballard's Snow Liniment to all who are
afflicted with rheumatism. 1t is the
only remedy have found that gives
immediate relief" 25c SOC and $l.0O.
Sold by Peoples Pharmacy.
The Delta independent., 1905-08-18
Nothing "a the Market EqsaI 70 Chamberlain.
Ceiie, (hoIera and pianhoea Remedy.

This fact is well known to druggists
every where, and nine out Of ten will
give their customers this preparation
when the best is asked for. Mr.. Obe
Wilmer, a prominent druggist of Jop-
lin, Mo-, in circular to his customers
says: "There is nothing on the market
in the way Of patent medicine which
equals Chamberlain's Collie, Cholera
and Diarrhoea Remedy for bowel com
plants. We sell and recommend this
preparation. For sale by Peoples
Pharmacy.