Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-11-18
WHY he WAS "HETp UP

cached on entering the taeater, and talking
grouchily to himself. The usual buttinski
with the whats the troubleT question
came along. and then the fat man in the
evening clothes exploded and let some OF
the Crouch out Of his system.
Whats the natter" he repeated
There's a hull lot the matter. I'm sore as
butcher. I've got crouch on bigger n
q faH-ten polar bear on an August day.
I'm boiling inside OF me like the middle
OF a molasses vat in q sugar cane factory.
and won't begin to simmer down till |
get to sleep.
ccatus-shirtus, that's what. It's this blast
ed coat-shirt that I'm wearing that's got
me going.
DIE ever wear a coat-shirt? And IL so,
what's the answer? Where do they come
In? What Internal good are they? How
does q coat-shirt come within ten billion
miles OF equaltng. much less beating out,
Just plain. everyday shirt-shirt-one o.
the Kind that you put the buttons in first
and then pull over your head afterward?
answer me thati What in blazes do
these coat-shirt makers mean by claiming
that coat-shirt is as good as shire. Qney?
I've been reading about coat-shirts ever
since they were invented, and looking at
pictures of 'em in the back pages OF maya
zines and wondering what they were all
about but l never fell for one of 'em till
[ II,
at that, but my wife did. She brought
three of 'em into my home and told me
that, as they were the proper kink, why, it
was up to me to have EN- In stock thence
forward and forever.
Il didn't make any fuss about it at the
time. didn't know, then, how much dor
mant deviltry lay in coat-shirt. Had no
idea OF the fiendish depravity Of the things,
nor OF how they're just built and devised
and sold for the solitary purpose of making
male human beings mad and frenzied and
spelling hull evenings for EN-. All of these
pictures of coat-shirts in the back pages
OF the magazines make 'em look bully.
The picture shows the coat-shirt in the
act of being drawn on over the shoulders
by smiling duck with cute mustache
ana pieased-all-over appearance; but
those pictures are phonies and calculated
to deceive, and you can take it from me.
The drawing EN- on over the shoulders
just like q coat, Is all right, but when you
try to get the buttons in the blasted things
the misery begins. Any man who stands
up before my face and tells me that he 8
able to stick the studs In the front OF a
coat-shirt without lathering himself into
temperature of rs and hating his wife
ana all her relations. is a-weli. he's got -
show me- that's all.
First, you've got to wash and swab and
sand-paper your hands as If yol were Sc
lected to perform the duties of high priest
of the temple, In order To flag any chance
of soiling the shirt around he buttonhoIcs
in case your fingers slip in getting the studs
| in. Then you begin, after having drawn the
shirt over your shoulders In that dead-easy
way that the pictures show. You've got
TO get the two corresponding buttonhoies
the one OF the teo flap and the one of the
bottom one, exc stly and matthew ticaaly
matched, one on top of tother and by the
time you get that done and reach out to the
bureau to grab one of the studs they've
come unmatched again, and you've got to
go through the whole blamed performance
again as to that one button. Finally clutch
Ing the stud in one mitt, you do get EN-
matched again, one buttonhole on top OF
the other, and then you try to lab the
prong OF the stud through the top button
hole.
You may get it through that top but
tonhoie and then again you may not, but
even If you do, the jabbing 1isplaces the
matching business again, and then you've
got to tumble around and grunt and grosyl
while you're finding the under buttonhole.
At this stage of it you begin TO Drcai. out
In a profuse perspiration, owing to the in
tense heat of the room-the rooms always
like a Turkish bath, anyhow, when fei-
lows getting ready for the theatec-and
| your sweaty hands begin to plant daubs
! and smudges all around the top button
| hole. BY the time you do get the prong CT
| the stud through both OF the buttonhoes
| you're ready to tell your wife that her hair
| is coming out in punches and that she
| looks ten years older to you than she look
| ed last week, and you feel like tagging
| the trip to the theater altogethe- and going
| around the corner ana getting SOuSed over
| a game of pinoehle.
| when you get the prong through the
| two buttonholes, you reach out to the bu-
| reau to grab the under side of the stud SOS
1 to attach 1t to the upper side underneath,
and In doing that you sort O. pun the shirt
| with the movement of your chest, and the
| top part of the stud thai you've groaned
| over to get into the two butt7nhoies pops
| out and rolls away under the dresser, and
| you've got to bend down ana glopa around
! InUar the bureau for II fDhaliusy a
dust and feathers. and when you finally 10
| cate 1t your hands are dirty as 4 chip
| ney sweeps, although you're too mad to
| know 1t, and SO, when you begin the
wretched performance all over again. yours
| bound to get the dog-goned coat-shirt rs
| smudgy and sooty as a coal heavens dun
| garee jacket. But it's five minutes to :
| O'Clock, as your wife taxes pains to re-
mind you every half minute or So and
/ you're due to ride twenty -threa blocks to
! the theater, and you haven't got the tick.
! cts yet, and so you've got to stay with the
| blasted shirt and do the best you car
| with 1t.
"At this stage of 1t your wife, who, for
| a miracle is herself ready in time, and dis
| gustingly cool and complacent-looking, vol
| unteers to help you out in getting the
| studs into the shirt, but you're so dead-set
| against her for having brought the coat
4 shirts into your home at all that you
| round upon her ffercely for even venturine
| to suggest such thing-and then you &c
| ahead with the job yourself After about
| ten minutes of effort such as no four mem
| bers of a tug-o'-war team ever experienced
| In their lives you do get all three of the
| studs into the limp and smudgy shirt. only
| to find that you've got the wrong far
| overIaid, necessitating your removal of the
| front collar button to the other side sos to
| make the thing match. By this time you
| are ready to believe that your wife is Sc
| cretly sending half of the supply of winter
| coal that you've ordered to her poor rela-
| tons up on the hill, and you're not fit to
| be seen heard.
! well, after you get the studs in and
| the collar buttons rugged out right you find
| that you've forgot to put the link-chain
| cuff buttons into the attached cuffs of the
| coat shirt. D'j ever try to put link-cuffs
| into the attached cuffs of coat-shirt atser
| you got the shirt on? Well, you try II
| once, that's all! You've got to be nineteen
1 different kinds of head-iIner contortion-
| list to get away with the job. and by that
! time the cuffs feel as II the shirt had been
| left out in the back yard for week or Sc
| end rained on two or three days at a
| stretch. The putting in of the link-cufTs
| after the coat-shirts on is a job that your
! wife could easily do. but you've already
| sat down upon her. so you don't feel like
| asking her to help you out with the job,
| and so you have to do it yourself. And,
| say when 1t comes to that. what's the
| good of attached cuffs, anyhow? Your
gloves get the ends of the cuffs dirty and