Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1905-06-30
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cleveland Plain Dealer,
Johnnie AMummie, 1 just feel Ill all
over, somehow. Mother-Where do
you feel it the mostp Johnnie-In
school.-Half-Holida
Wears Daughter-Well, John, see
you are looking as young as ever.
John-Yes, miss, thankyee. An they
tell me I'll soon be an octogeranium.-
Punch.
DO you take an interest in society p
NO." answered Mr.. Cumrox, "I make
the investments, but mother and the
girls take all the interest" Washing
ton Star.
You're such wretched writer it's
a wonder you wouldn't get typewrit-
ing machine" II would, only that
would show what miserable speller
I am."-Philadelphia Press.
Miss Ascum-I've often wondered,
Mr.. Rymes, why you poets always
speak Of the moon as silver" Mr..
Rymes-Well-er-I suppose it's be-
cause of the quarters and halves
Pn1ladelph1a Press.
Fat Gentleman (gaspir g)-W-what
do you m-mean by making m m-me
run after the ear 30? I'll probably die
Of apoplexy! Polite Conductor-Yes,
sir. Transfer to some car going past
the morgue, sir?-Ex.
Mr.. slack-Johnny, don't ever let
%oll tho@
won't have slang used in this housed
Johnny-But, pa, l. Mr.. Slack
Cut it out or I'll hand you one, see!-
Browning's Magazine
. The Dentist-I'll have to charge you
two dollars and half for pulling that
tooth. The Patient-Oi thought yez
charged fifty cints? The Dentist
Yes; but you yelled SO loud you scared
four other patients out of the place
Judge.
Husband-Have you heard Of the
latest cure for nervous prostration
Wife-No. What is it? Husband
The patient isn't allowed to talk
Wife-Pooh! One might as well die
from prostration as exasperation.-Il-
lustrated Bits.
whats the matter, dearT her
mother asked. II was just thinking" !"
the beautiful heiress answered, show
terrible it would be If the earl should
decide not to take papa's money on
the ground that is was tainted."-
Chicago Record-Herald.
Mamma-When that naughty boy
threw stones at you, why didn't you
come and tell me instead Of throwing
them back at him? Little Willie
Huh! What good would it do to tell
you? You couldn't hit the side of a
Observation-Disclosures Life.
Hicks-How do you happen to be
going fishing on Friday? l thought
you believed Friday was an unlucky
day. Wicks-Well, 1 always have.
But it occurred to me this morning
that perhaps it would be unlucky for
the fish.-Somerville Journal.
"You don't recognize titles Of nobil-
ity in this country?" said the distin-
guished foreigner. "Oh, yes, we can,"
answered Mr.. Cumrox; mother and
the girls can not only recognize 'em,
but they can quote their market valu-
alton off-hand." Washington Star.
Miss Fleyme-Oh! Mr. Nocoyne,
how lovely of you to bring me these
beautiful roses! How sweet they are
and how fresh! l do believe there Is
little dew on them yet! Mr.. Nocoyne
-W-well, yes-there is, about fifty
cents, think; but I'll pay it to-mor-
row.-Ex.
Police Judge-With what instru-
ment or article did your wife inflict
these wounds on your face and head?
Michael Mooney-Wid a motty, yer
amer. Police Judge-A what? MI
chael Mooney-A motty-wan O. these
frames wild "God Bliss Our Home" IN
tt.-Cleveland Leader.
Marmaduke-Before we were mar
ried she used to say "by-by" so sweet
Is when went down the steps. Mont
morency-And what does she say
now? Marmaduke-Oh just the same
thing, buy, buy" Montmorency-
All, see! She exercises different
spell over you.-Washingto Life.
'Now about those noomerous scan
dals," observed the Pohick philoso-
pher, ''the situation is jest this: The
papers say they wouldn't print 'em If
the people didn't read 'em, and the
people say they wouldn't read 'em II
the papers didn't print 'em, and there
ye be."-Louisville Courier-Journal
"What do you believe is the ultimate
solution of this good roads move
ment?" asked the farmer. Zone part
water, eight parts cement, three parts
sand and the balance in broken stone,"
replied the engineer absently. "Say,
pard, I asked you for an opinion, not
an analysis. ."-Cincinnat Commercial
Tribune.
"Oh, George, DEAR" she whispered,
when he slipped the engagement ring
on her tapering finger, "how sweet of
you to remember just the sort of stone
1 preferred. None of the others were