The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-26
PILGRIM JOE.
Adventures Follow Him in His Pill
grimage.

I wish to say at the beginning of
this article that any one who doubts
my assertion that my Pilgrim Pain
Alleviator is the best remedy of it's
kind on the face of this earth is at lib
erty to look over the $4,000 testi-
monials l have received during the
last five years. Don't be cozened into
taking something just as good. -
There is only one Pilgrim Pain Ale
viator. When that won't alleviate, the
sufferer has only two hours in which
to make his will.
In buying of druggists be sure the
dealer is a responsible man, and that
there are no old warrants out against
him for hog stealing. Disreputable
druggists have been known to drink
up the AlleviatOr and refill the bot
ties with cheap gin. Every cork in
my Alleviator is made to pull out with
the teeth Where a purchaser has no
teeth the cork may be pried out with
an AK or a crowbar. Every bottle is
made after the pattern of coffin.
This is to indicate that the contents
will draw you back from the grave.
had reached the town of Give-It-
Up and set up my outfit for takin'
tintypes at 10 cents a take when a
damsel weighing 100 pounds and hay
ing red hair and a turn-up nose, pre-
sented herself to be typed. I had
posed her in a chair in front of the
camera and was about to fire the shot
WAtC4A SIG SuQQGIlly uttered d wall OF
wildness and threw up her hands and
tainted away. With the help of sew
eral kind-hearted people I had placed
her back in the chair when she re-
vived and held up her hands to me
and called me Joseph and wanted to
take me to her heart. I refused to be
taken, and she then cried out that
was her long-Iost husband, who went
out one evening in Missouri ten years
before to shut the hen house door and
ma
for year and then taken a new hus-
band. He had also run away from
her, as had a second, and she had
come to Oklahoma to secure a fourth
The shock of meeting me alive and
well and selling the only genuine Pain
Alleviator in the country was a great
one for her, and for fifteen minutes
she kept me lodging about to prevent
her throwing her arms around me-
When I had tuckered her out at this
she appealed to the people and I got
a chance to explain that I had never
seen her before and didn't propose to
recognize no such claim. had to own
up that I had away from wife in
Indiana, but she was cross-eyed and
hump baclxed and did not sympathize
couraging the unfortunate. The fat
damsel wept and protested, and in the
end she carried her point. That is, I
was ordered to take back my own and
take care of her. I pretended to give
in, but an hour later I got my old
horse into the shafts and galloped
away. I was pursued by a mob of
enterprisin' citizens for two miles or
more, but innocence and integrity won
in the end.
I trust that such incidents as this
will not prejudice the public against
my Alleviator. That will remain the
genuine thing, no matter if 1 am in
generated by prison walls. I have
certificates from the highest authority
that I am innocent and guiltless, and
that over fifty different damsels have
put up like Jobs on me since I started
out in the Pilgrim business. Do not
let the spectre of consumption walk