The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-02-26


We'll. why shouldn't they?" demand
ed Redface. "Gorky's one Of the best
authors Of the age and its a de-darned
shame TO lock him up
''Boshl" retorted the KnOcker. 1T
would be a blessed good thing for let
tiers if all the best authors of the day
could be put in jail and kept there for
q period of ten years They're exceed
in the speed limit. most of 'em, and un-
less we do something TO choke 'em off
theren be a literary deluge i'm this
" orld that will make Noah's little tup-
TennY affair look like a sun-shoOver in
the desert of Sahara. Take that man
henry James for instance. He's put
out about seventeen new books in the
last twenty-five minutes. He writes
'em so fast he doesn't take time to
make 'em read straight, with the result
that every James crank in the land is
crazy with delight and every other
reader goes shrieking to an insane asy
lum for treatment for the real thing.
They think there must be something
the matter with themselves when they
read a sentence two volumes long and
can't make head nor tail of it. But
know better. The real trouble is that
James has to write so fast to keep the
printing presses going that he doesn't
have time to break his stuff up into
paragraphs and sentences and punctu-
ate the thing properly"
"Humph," calculated Redface. And
would going to Jail help him.
"Of course il would" returned the
Knocker. Ten years in Jail with
positive prohibition TO do any other lit
erary work than translate his own stOr-
les into English would work wonders
There'd be enough work to keep him
busy eight hours a day for that num-
bers of years and by the time he got
out he'd have got so into the habit of
ritiug sense that his future writings
could be understood by somebody short
of a professor of Sanskrit- Then
there's that little Manx Sunbeam Hall
Caine. I'm not so sure but that a life
sentence would be a good thing for
him. and he'd revel in it. A man that's
as fond of gloom as he is would find
prison life a joy forever. The groans
C the repentant sinner by night; the
awful spectacle of the lock-step gangs
going TO work at daybreak every
morning: the utter hopelesSness of the
cages along murderer's row; and the
dread silences of the execution hour
which all prisoners sense when one of
their number is going to his last ac-
count on the gallows or in the electrical
chair, What an inspiration there
would be in a life in such an environ
nIent to a novelist of his tastes, What
a relief it would be to that marvel
lCus Imagination of his which must by
this time have SOrely overtaXed itself
I'm conjuring up new and hitherto un-
upon a boating though slightly morbid
public Slowed away in Holloway jail
OF in some ManX prison where he could
see and study real crime and misery
at close range all day and every day,
he would be compelled to destroy his
nervous system every time he starts
new book i'm his Tragedie Humane by
travelling as far north as Iceland in
search of trouble for his characters, or
by undertaking to give lectures at one
night stands in America in his self
imposed mission of spreading the Cos
pei Of hysteria throughout the world.
our literature would be filled with a
realism that is real and not fanciful,
and the rules of the prisons in all
countries. which require that every line
written by the inmates shall be careful
~ scrutinized " the head keeper before
il is allowed TO go out, would estab-
lish a censorship Of the most effective
kind BY thunder when I think Of the
value of the system in this particular
case I feel almost inclined to send
cable TO the car to thank him for in
venting a principle which cannot fail
10 result in the betterment of letters
both from the point of view OF pure
literature and from that Of the public
health
Tut" calculated Redface You
want fairy tales and nursery stories
eh2 Don't the big things of life ever
grip hold of you2'
Always" said the Knocker. When
they are really big and have something
to do with real life. But L haven't any
use for those bull batting authors who
conjura up lot OF helpless characters
plunge 'em into hot water of a Scalding
temperature and then rub pepper and
taba SEQ sauce on their burns. That 5
what your Mr.. Caine does, and I think
he ought TO go 10 Jail for it. And there
are others. Take old man Lawson, the
present literary center of the United
States"
"Ho, What crime have you to al
lege against poor old LAWSON" laughed
RedfaCe- "All he's done is to turn
states evidence against lot of pretty
shal<ey old financiers- He's a knocker
after your own heart
Hes engaged in an iniquitous lit
erary proceeding" returned the
Knocker. He's trying to work up
corner i'm words in restraint Of the lit
erary trade and blest if / don't believe
he is succeeding. What great work of
humor. fiction or poetry has appeared
since Lawson sequestrated the Amer
lean vocabulary Has Mark Twain
written any of his old-time stuff since
Lawson began2 Not "A line. What of
HowellS. the dean of American letters
Has he done any deaning since Law
son started iu2 Not he. He skipped off
to Europe with the first installnent of
'Frigid Finance and hasn't been heard
OF since. What OF The Man With the
HOe2 Have we had any hoeing from
him since Lawson burst on the scene7
Not n poetic potato has come from the
Markham hill all this winter or dur
ing last autumn sRichard. Harding
Davis2 Gone to Toxic to report Russo
Japanese 5 o'clock teas during the
Lawson domination. George Ade2
Taken refuge or the stage, deserving
literature altogether. in spite OF the fact
that when he writes he uses a Lam
guage OF his own invention. Mary
wilkins Married. Taken up with do
nestle science in place OF literature
no chance With Tom Lawson in pos
session of every dictionary in the land
from Webster's unabridged TO the Cen
fury containing all the words that are
fit to print. And so il goes The dawn
OF Lawson marked the setting OF every
other literary son of gun from Maine
to Texas and from Ellis island to the
Golden Gate. The mans become Il
trust. and If this administration OF ours
was any good in its corporation fight
ing Mr.. T. w. Lawson would be in the
same boat with poor old Gor<y."
Mr.. Redface was dumb in the face
OF such knocking, and the Knocker re-
sumed:
Its all jealousy, anyhow. on the
f,ff AM