Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1905-04-11
DAILY SHORT STORY
IOriginaI.l
THE STUPID RECRUIT.

entered one of the camps of the Con-
federate General Johnston at Nash
Vile, Tenn, and said he would like to
join the regiment" He was turned
over to a drill sergeant, with instruc-
tons to try to make soldier Of him.
The Confederates were never con-
spicuous for soldierly appearance; in
deed they were best noted as fighters.
Yet notwithstanding the want of atten-
tion to the army regulations the recruit
at once became noted for being the
most unsoldierly man among them.
The bump of discipline seemed to be
hollow I'm his head. He was constantly
wandering from his command and
spending long terms in the guardhouse
for doing so. Though the sergeant
spent hours drilling him, the recruit
could never learn the difference be-
tween carry" and shoulder arms.
AT least If he did he was sure TO forget
ii the next day. On post he was con-
tinually making blunders He was the
butt OF his regiment and the subject
for innumerabIe tricks.
One morning he appeared at his colo
nefs tent and told him that he had
been appointed spokesman for the en-
listed men of his regiment TO say that
they desired to be led at once against
the enemy. The colonel looked at the
man, astonished, then quietly wrote
note, gave It TO him and told him to
take it to the regimental surgeon. The
surgeon after reading it examined the
bearer for his sanity, but sent him
hack with a Sfo chat ho wa
perfectly sane, though stupid.
The recruit next appeared at general
headquarters and reported for order
ly." 1t was never known whether this
was by mistake or for a joke, but the
adjutant who made the detail was sent
back to his company for doing so. The
recruit attracted the attention of the
staff for his awkwardness and when
the generals tent was vacant blum
dered into 1t and was caught reading
the generals papers. He was sent
back to his colonel under guard, with
report of his conduct, whereupon
the colonel, after considering the pro-
priety of ordering him before q court
martial, decided to recommend his dis
charge on the ground that it would be
for the good of the service. But. the
COnfederacy at that time not being
overburdened with powder food. the
general commanding declined to grant
the discharge on the ground that if the
man was a fool he should be placed in
the front rank, where the army might
get rid of him to purpose.
One night when the recruit was on
outpost duty a shot was heard coming
from where he was stationed, and he
came running in, crying: The Yanks
air comm! The Yanks air COMM
The long roll was beaten, and the com
mand turned out, forming in line of
battle. But no enemy came. After
waiting the attack for some time Skin
mishers were thrown out and found
the body Of the major, who had been
officer of the day visiting the pickets.
He had been shot through the head
The men We're sent back to their tents,
and the recruit was sent up under
guard to the general After considera-
bic questioning the general sent him
back to his regiment under care of an
aid. The colonel was directed either
to have the stupid ass shot by mis-
take" or cOnnive at his desertiOn.
The colonel chose the latter course
He called the recruit into his tent and
told him he had decided to have him
shot at sunrise the next morning. Then
he sent him to his regiment with or
ders to his colonel to place him where
he could escape during the night.
That was the last seen of the stupid
recruit IN that army. When the sun
rose In the morning he was far away.
The officer of the day reported the es-
cape to the colonel, who received ii
with great satisfaction and at once re-
ported it to the general, who was de
lighted at the wise course he had pur-
sued. He sent back a congratulation
on getting rid of man so stupid that
he didn't know friend from an enc
my. But the officer most relieved was
the captain of the company to which
the recruit belonged.
Early in April of that year the battle
of Shiloh was fought, and among the
prisoners taken by the Union forces
was this very captain. One of the men
who marched him in stepped up along
side of him and said:
Cap. yO' don't remember me-"
Great heavens, the stupid recruit
Not so stupid as yo' all supposed.
Yo' was very patient with me, cap,
while | was under your command, an
| hope 70 do sOmep'n for yo'."
Later the stupid recruit visited the
captain and made him open his eyes
still wider by the following explana-
ton:
''YO' see, yO'r major and l was both
east Tennesseeans, whar the UnIonists
and COnfederates hated each other Ike
pizen. Once when / came home from
Knoxville | found my home burned to |
the ground. Ny wife and only child |
was turned out in winters night, and |
both died from exposure. The man that |
did the job was your major / knew |
all about him, but he'd never seen me. |
he afterward Joined the Confederate,
l the Union army. / bein' a south'n |
man, the general. thinkin' I'd pass
well down thar, sent me south 70 in
formation. ! run across the major and |