The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-06-25

on his face, he took his hat and famed
the lettuce, and said Friends who de-
sire 10 take d last look at The deceased
may pass in the front door. and retire
by the back door. No flowers, burial
private"
Now. what you want to butt i'm here
Tor, when / am having all this trouble27
said the old man. as ne poured out the
remaining water IN the sprinkler on the
DYING salad material That is where
the profits go When I bought that let
Iuce at the commission house day he
Iofe yesterday, II was bright and crisp
with deWdTOpS on the leaves and il
cracked when l handled it. and look at
II now, as timber as a starChed collar
at picnic and il wouldn't stand up if
II wore cTutches- Gee. but if I had 4
patent on something that would keen
lettuce crisp until IL was sold. I would
not want gold mine a." and the old man
threw the watering pot on the floor.
and sighed.
Well" said the bad boy. as he tried
a few Strawberries off the TOP Of a
boX, trying to rejuvenste wilted let
luce IS Ike putting false hair. OF hair
dye- on an old WOman's head and put
ing Oriental cream and powder on her
lace. and false teeth and PLUMBERS in
her mouth to make her cheeks plump.
and penciling her eyebrows To make her
look young and kitteuy She is the
same old lady. and SaltpeteT won't save
her, and make her young and crisp
aSaln--d piece Of human wiIted let
tuCe.
Do you know" said the old man. as
ne took a piece OF wrapping paper 10
wipe drop Of m0lasses Oft the bosom
OF his white shirt, 7 am one Of the
greatest thinkers n this country. aud I
SIT here when there are no customers
IN the store, and do nothing but lust
think, and it worries me the way things
are running, not only in this country.
nut everywhere in the world. Look at
the money that Is wasted in these
sham battles. at target practice in the
navy, and this ere attack on Washing
ton by the army and navy playing
war Gosh duTn it, why don't we dis
charge the army. and tie up the navy
70 hitching posts. and wait till a real
war comes on and then rally from the
east and from the west. and sock il to
the enemy" and the old man took a
brush and busted of the counter
say You only think YOU are thinking
when you get that way" said the bad
boy Some people sit and twirI their
thumbs, and say nothing. and look seri-
Gus, and have lines on their faces. and
they look wise. and think il amounts to
something. but IL is only Indigestion.
and when your stomach does not work.
the brain sort Of efferveSces. and when
you turn on the talking switch and say
something, II is like opening bottle
OF root beer, cause it is all froth. and
when II has stopped fOaminE IL Is moth
ing but wet place OF the floor that
smells of sasoarilla. You are one OF
these root beer thinkers. with a string
over your cork, and If anybody cuts the
string. you finally get sour. and if the
string is cut. it is all over as soon as
the yeast is exhausted You talk about
the expense of target practice Why
nowadays navy, to be any good. has
to be able TO hit a fly with 16-inch
shell. on. the tuTTet Of a battleship
seven miles away. with heavy sea on.
and the only way is 10 keep shooting
and then when a war comes the enemy
'Will keep off the grass. See2
You would like TO have our navy ike
the Russians. tied up TO save expense. 1
the sailors ashore. drunk and the gun
ners 50 full of vodka that they are
cTOss-eyed, and when the whistle blows
and they come aboard to get aCquaint-
ed with the ship. they become seasick Z
and can't hit a single cruiser. but have
to wait till the enemy gets into fiockS .
like a boy shooting ducks. Look at
those little Japs. Their eyes are put i'm .
slantinC. and you would think they
would shoot around a corner. but when I
they get bTaced behind a gun. and take +
aim, and pull the dinguS the rolling
mill that they fire at the enemy hits 10 I
in the solar plexus, and anybody that I
Is alive when the explosion comes iumps