The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1905-09-30
THE FAMILY BACHELOR WANTS A HOME
AND NO CARES THIS rs WHAT
HE GETS.

The family bachelor is one who
lives and has his being in the house
of his friends. He is something
more to the family than brother.
The family bachelor is the only
man in the house, aside from the
head of the family. He begins with
the belief that he needs home comforts
without any domestic membranes.
There is no census of the family
bachelor in New York, but his name
is legion. The story of one is the
story of 90 per cent of the brother
hood. So this story that one of them
told at bachelor dinner describes the
fate of all:
The people with whom l make
my home have shown their disinter
ested friendship for me in more ways
than there are testimonials in new
medicine advertisement, he said.
IF / should die tonight, or any old
night, they would go out among my
actuaintances and tell a story that
void give me a first class funeral
with an extra floral display. They
woud even lie for me if / should be
discovered.
"Hnt there are times, boys, when
l hav, sort of longing to come back
and lite in chambers or at the club.
Once i, while the things which you
fellowsdream about as novelties get
to be a Tort of handicap.
"You have heard of the leadpipe
cinch. It is not what you have sup
posed. The family bachelor is that.
In other words, he is weighted down.
"Whenthe good people with whom
he lives have company for dinner the
family bachelor is trotted out. He
is booked to say things. Luckless
chap is he if he can sing.
There is always young woman
an only daughter. in the home / am
talking about. Always nice girl,
with big N and G. You are
never asked to do anything for her
happiness and comfort. But always
know four or six weeks in advance
about her birthday. Same way
about Christmas.
"She has young girls who come to
see her. All nice girls. Somehow
they never come with their beaus.
They come in groups or in pairs.
Hardly ever single.
''If it is summer time, as now, you
know the fondness of girls for strolls,
for rides, for jolly. Papa is tired
and gone to bed. The family bach
elor is metamorphosed into a chap
eron.
"You fellows think chaperon is
feminine. 1t is and it isn't. 1t is
not where you are q family bachelor.
There is no mathematical process
that will give you any sort of guess
as to the variety and amount of jolly
it requires to satisfy bevy of sum
mer girls-girls with fluffy gowns.
"Not long ago the girl where I live
had row with her best fellow. 1t
was up to me to make him jealous.
Several plans laid by the girl and
mater familias went aglee. At last
/ suggested one of my own. Result,
an encounter, a knock out, narrow
escape from ride in the Macadoo
motor.
mot long ago the girls mother
was called out of town hurriedly.
One evening thereafter the girl ex-
pected her beau. Her father was
out, at poker game somewhere her
maid had that night off, and the
cook Well, she wasn't around.
II was summoned into a room where
there was Egyptian darkness. The
girl explained almost hysterically
that must hook her up, as there was
no one else and time was nearly up.
l started to scratch match and she
shrieked. She said I must hook hei
in the dark.
Honest, fellows, I never hooked
up girl even in the light. Never.
She said ! must hurry, and backed
against me to stapdstill and gave
directions.
II did the best I knew how
Then l fed. A few moments latel
! heard voice in the corridor.
"'You We hooked me upside down,
was the shrek, and skipped every
other hook. You did it on purpose
/ believe
II began to apologize.
Stay where you areP sh'
screamed.
"Theu there was lull.
'''There's the bell she shrek
ed. You must answer it. There i
no one in the apartment. You mus
entertain Mr.. Dash until get int
something else.
"'Why didn't you think of that il
the first placer / asked, somewha
nettled.
"'Please go; hurry up; there i
the second ring
'I was in the parlor forty-fv
minutes. told a lot Of lies in tina
time in order to hold the young mai
down, and at the expiration of tn
time stated the young woman cam
in, perfect dream in placidity ant
bewitchery. You wouldn't hav
known to look at her that her tempe
had ever been rumpled.
"She was so sorry to be late, bu
the machine had quit few block
away and she had to hurry by cal
That was her story.
"Then l went out and lett them
The next day her mama returned
and there were some explanations.
II am not quite so much OF tam
lily bachelor as was, but / overhear
a spirited interview about the folly {
fashion, and think it was the moth
er who said that such garments a
hooked up behind were to be sent
the modiste and changed. Then
heard another voice say that ma
who couldn't hook up girl IN tn
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