Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1905-03-03
Mirandy's Recipe for Happiness.

whats this tale | hears bout a man
what's offering $1,000 reward for "a man
whut is satisfied with his Wife," de-
manded Mirandy of ne.
"Oh." l explained. IAN old bachelor
who believes that marriaS. is a failure
is Offering to give that amount of
money to any man that can prove that
he is happy. though married"
The lands sakc!" Exclaimed Mi
randy. they sEoly is gittin' suspicious
in these days. It's time enough for a
man to find out that he is marked for
trouble when he gets married after the
wedding, stead Of his going into
Inatermony with his eye peeled for dan
ger"
That's right" 1 ag~eed.
But. say. Miss Do'thy," she went on.
what I wants tC know is il a short, fat,
numped- shOuilcred Niger man Whut j
had glory ticket for 80 years, has got
4 chanSt al that money!"
Nothing was said in the offer about
race. or color. or previous condition of
servitude.' I replied.
well" she declared. I'm gwinc
right home and enter Ike for that
81. 900. Yessum, Ike's IL shIEin' example
Of man whutS married and happy
leastways, if he amt happy he's 'frald
to say it. The amt no argufyinS IL
our house. case Use got the floor when
it comes to talkin' and keeps it.
"Shoo. They am. no trouble in git
tin along with 2. man and keepin' him
cam and satisfied. Husbands comes in
different lengths. and different widths,
and colors, but they al cut off of the
same piece Of goods, and they's one
rule you can Wink 'em all by.
"You have got to feed 'cm. and soft
soap 'em, and boss 'erl.
"Naw'm, 1 amt got no opinion OF a
woman whut can't manage husband.
case it's just as easy AS fallin' off log
Now when me and Ike got married
Ike was a fine young buck whut was a
Jim Dandy. IN the way ne could cut
the pigeon wing and SHAKE his foot in
dance was a caution. He sutinly was
a perSonable man, with figSer that
was as slim ani straight as telefoam
post, and l ANT blamin' the gals for
cuttin their eye; at him.
Now. how you reckon : stopped all
that foolishness? You reckon | sets
down and weeps, and means. and
iaments bout him runnin' around OF
nights? Naw'm. 1 jest ups and fattens
him. Yessum. l jes1 Knocked dat fine
figure into the middle Of next week,
and turned 1t into what looked like a
beer barrel on skids. And that done it.
"Yessum, | surely did take tempta-
ton out of that niggers way. After a
inc. nh r. q
dinner with FILINGS he amt got no call
to do what Brer jenkins calls tripping
the light fantastic toe or hunt up any
FUN whut's outside of the home limits.
All he wants to do is to shuttle over 10
n cheer in the chimney corner and
smoke his pipe. Naw'm, they amt no
way to keep a man home of an evening
like film him up so full that he's too
stuffed to get out. Besides, they am
nOthin' that stoDs righteousness like
| fat. You don't see no women Eiancin
over their shoulders DIT the gentlemen
| with bay windows.
Den l amt never been sparin of the
soft soap with Ike. A mans got to
| have it, and if his wife won't give it to
| him some other woman will. That's
| lIle way IOOh DIT II, dliu 90 i'iiSo as
| want Ike to bring me home his pay
envelope on Saturday night ! got 10
run the axle grease factory, and. more
over. | got to hand out brand of the
goods that will make their soft talk
sound like they didn't appreciate him
or know a good thing when they saw
| it.
| When May Jane Jones tells him
| that he Sho' has got a proud walk.
'spous that he Sutinly does peramhu-
| late like Prince. When Elviry
| Smith fetches him compliment about
his clothes looKin' like a dude. | prog
nosticates that it's the figger of the
man. and not the clothes. and that Ike
can make any kind Of a hand me- down
suit look like it jest walked out of the
tailor shop. Yessum. | sho does put on
| the soft soap with Il heavy hand.
And there's one more thing that's
funny about men. They's like chilen
If you want 'cm to love you. you've got