davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

ly with the dawn of a newer and
brighter life. Desire to live grew
with the absorption of the duff. and
in a little while the whole mass dis
appeared. In a day or so 1 felt like
a new hobo. The cook made UP a
bed for me in his chest in the galley,
and when the ship neared Frisco that
heather Chinee loaned me a pair Of
his overalls while I washed mine, so
as to make a flash at San Francisco.
With 81 20 in my clean overalls' pock-
eta purse contributed by the sailors
I passed in at the Golden Gate, which
so many find hinged on mud. That was
the way it swung for me. The ship dis
charged all hands save the captain,
mate and cook, and / went ashore with
the rest. In short time became de-
monetized, and there was no work in
sight. Night after night / went back
to the Martha Rideout and sneaked
into her forecastle via the bows OF an
other boat lying alongside. The Chi
nese cook alone knew of my presence.
He kept the secret from the captain,
permitted me to sleep in the forecastle
and had always a little wooden tub Of
food hidden in the bunk / occupied.
That Chinaman was the only friend
had in California, and when the ship
cleared for more lumber she left me
bankrupt and starving.
Dear old Sing Wah! I never expect
to have another pal like him. When
Sing sailed away I wept, but wouldn't
like my old friend Denis Kearney, Of
sand lot fame, to know about it. In
later years Denis and I got quite chum-
my and wrote for the same paper in
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

about a chap what was fishing for
goujon at de restaurant of de Miracu-
lous Fishing-nice place to take your
breakfast, by de way"
Hold on chips in Mr.. Paul. DO
you have many like dat last caller?'
"Oh, he's easy. He only gets a
franc call and is harmless. But dis
story. You see, de lady was crossing
de Rue de la Paix, in front of de Eng
lish tea shop, when all of sudden
hold on minute, here's de usual
ting, from de looks of dis card and
anodder mug-a fly looking felly-
comes like flatiron breeze.
Me dear Mr.. Ambassador, 1 don't
know wedder you remember me- You
dined at me ladders home in Chicago
Michigan avenue. you know, and
dat sort of ting. Dad told me to be
sure and call to pay me respects to
you and say he'd have solid dele
CATION from our State for you in de
next national convention rattles off
de fly one.
$50 kind" lisps Ambass. But say,
he had his icy eye on guard.
And you can do me little service -
says de fly boy. I'm not known at de
bank, so me letter of creditor a
trifie of ten thousands no good yet.
If you could let me have five hundred
francs until / get me letter woiking
fadder will be pleased"
"Alphonse." says Ambass. quiet like,
'call de police!"
But de fly boy beat Alphonse to de
door.
"Dis story, Paul" says Ambass,
lighting a cigarette, us about man
who played de bass fiddle in de old Nib
los Garden on Broadway-bless it'll
and he was bow-legged. so when he
stood up Excuse me one minute.
Show de lady in"
Well who should come in but real
ting swell dat knew Mr.. Paul and de
Ambass, and dat I'd seen at cur house
many's de time. She give de glad hand
all around, and dey had gaily-gaily
chat for a minute, and den when she
stopped talking, Ambass, he says. AL
phonse, give madam de address Of de
dentist we recommend"
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19
@f2l6a &>On and Off the Breed Wagon
Being Hard Luck Tales and Hob
~Az YaNxINH@A By Chor1es Dryden

San Francisco. Also. / amassed bank
account in that same town. The bank
busted, too, with my coin in 1t, but this
story carries enough tough luck of its
own without Juggling in a chadwicked
bank.
However. after Sing Wah left be-
came respondent and ill. and could get
nothing to lay on my stomach. 1t
would have lain, could have got any,
thing solid. On the afternoon of the
second day without food, far out in
Valencia street, 1 found a dime, and
looked as big. Once In the possession
Of capital, there came the worry and
care incident to safe investment. and
knew where to go. On lower Market
peddlers' wagons. Each cart had a
board nailed upright on the seat, and
over the board was drawn a paper bag
on which the hucksters posted the odds
-6 for 5, 13 for 10, and so on. After
a careful inspection of the field, play
ed long shot-sixteen large, bug-bit-
ten Bartlett pears for a dime.
The side pockets Of my coat had
broken through into the lining. which
mishap made sort of blind tunnel
around my spine. Into this secret cav
ern poured the sixteen pears, and had
a grub supply for a couple of days.
Whenever hunger assailed me, which
was often, reached in and hauled out
a pear.
Before famine time came on again
I got work in a little jobbing shop in
the residence district. The foundry
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

and honeycombed it. When he fell the
splintered wood stuck out through his
pants, and large numbers of people
tainted at the sight. AS the old fisher
man was very poor, his pals and the
sawmill hands at Tacoma gave bene-
ut dance and got him a creosoted leg.
1t was built at the works we just
passed"
After purging his system OF this re-
markable narrative the conductor once
more lapsed into gloomy contemplation
of the pine woods. Whether the story
were true or the creosote works in
spired 1t I do not know. And / was
puzzled about my part-whether to
laugh or to view the creosote leg as a
profound scientific achievement A
giggle escaped me, and the conductor
Smiled. He had tried his story on the
dog, and 1t was success. Lucky laugh;
also lucky dog.
The conductor put the pump on me-
and I told him stories about my trou-
bles and travels, after which he related
some. Nothing more was said about
railroad fare and tickets. We were
chums, all right. 1t was after 6 o'clock
in the evening when the train reached
the outskirts of Tacoma, which town
was so new it creaked. The foundry had
closed for the day, but the conductor
knew where the boss lived. He pointed
out the house from the hurricane deck
of the caboose and slowed down the
speed of the train so that 1 could get
off and save the long walk back from
the depot After all, there is much in
knowing when to laugh at the right
time, but alas! my tact availed mel nit.
The Tacoma foundry didn't need expert
help, SO next day turned my PROV to
the sea.
A big wooden ship, the Martha
Rideout of Boston, was loading lum-
Der for San Francisco. I found her
captain and another saltwater
skipper playing pool on waterlogged
table in a saloon. While the master
mariners banged the balls I hung in
the background until my skipper beat
the other fellow and hoisted in some
free drinks amid great laughter.
Deeming the moment propitious, I
butted in and asked the pool sharp to
let me work my passage to Frisco on
his ship. Talk about diplomacy and
smooth work. Such was the skip
per's good humor he placed his hand
on my shoulder and said:
'sWhy, certainly, young fellow; go
right aboard
1 went right aboard and helped
stow soggy lumber in the hold, which
job lasted thirteen days, working
from daylight to dark. Then we
towed up Mr.. Puget's Sound, sailed
out through the straits and headed
for the golden shores of California.
Four days and nights 1 lay in the
same locker, the sickest hobo that
ever plowed, narrowed and sowed the
raging main. On the morning of the
fifth day the Chinese cook slid back
the door of the locker and tossed in
a chunk of cold raisin duff the size
of a cabbage. The lump rolled down
under my nose, and l struggled feeb-
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

why General" she says, "how in
ever did you know what come for?''
Its a good chance to take says
Ambass. Ninety out of a hun
dred American ladies dat calls on me
wantsNde dentist You're de hundredret
lady caller dis morning, and one OF
em wanted de dog doctor, so I had a
dead cinch on YOU"
Well, she floated tru de door, and de
Ambass, not looking like he'd had a
bit Ct punishment, he goes on. you
can kill de club dead wit dis when you
gets back to dear little old Manhattan.
AS was saying, de farmers wife, see
ing him take de fishing rod when he
said he was going to choich. she emp
ties his flask of de real stuff in it and
puts IN a pint Of Bless me, here is a
man 1 must see for a moment
L should say any one would want to
see him. He had on more uniform dan
de leader of circus band, and he was
de limit for style in manners. He paid
sixteen compliments to Ambass, talks
American politics wit Mr.. Paul, and
den at last he says, His Excellency,
de- Secretary for War, wishes me to
enquire of your Excellency, wit his
Coil lpiiIlcutS anu eApIcSSlOilS Oh uuQy-
ing alteration, where he can buy
quantity of dose American cigarettes
you was so gracious as TO pass to His
Excellency when your Excellency met
His Excellency at de soiree of her
Grace de Marquise of de Umpski, de
delightful Russian"
Sure" says Ambass. "Alphonse.
give de Colonel de card of de Paris
branch of de American Tobacco Pre-
ferred-I mean company
De Colonel told 'em how tickled to
deaf he was, and he backed out.
Il want you to get dis story right,
Paul." says Ambass. You understand
dat de leading lady was looking for de
ST OF light, and not seeing de bouquet
She"
Excuse says Mr.. Paul. It's lunch
time. Let's walk around to Henry's
and Sc de man who told de story. Pre-
haps he'll finish it,"
OATS what dey done. But, say. isn't
dat a great job? Twenty tousand dol
lars year for doing dat, with invita-
tions to dine wit de king trun in as
tips. What
Copyright, 1905, by Edward w. Town
send.)
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

was attached to the owners domicils
and he had started to splurge In the
manufacture OF piano plates. My
first days toll netted about IS, piece
work scale, and / asked for some
money with which to pander to the
unnatural cravings of a man who had
agreed to board me. The boss hand
ed out a s5 bill. which gave to my
landlord that night. Next day about
noon the job and became separated.
A retired Sawmin boiler furnished
steam power for our works, and any
one who happened to think OF II threw
in coal or turned on the water This
fatal day the fellow who fred up for
got about the water and pretty soon
the boiler retired permanently from
the scene.
Sand. pig iron. piano plates and
mechanics Uttered the landscape for
half a square. / landed forty feet
away with my back to the wreck and
kept right on going. AT the hotel I
paused long enough to coax a rebate
of So so out of the SIS given the land
made a bee line to Mare Island and
shipped in Uncle Sans navy-went
cruising among the South Sea Islands
In a warship. Life ashore was grow
ing too strenuous for me, particularly
when they fired a salute of one steam
boiler just because I went to work at
my legitimate trade.
AS nv bread wagon isn't built for
sea voyage / will, in the next chap
ter escape from the navy with a bum
lamp and resume the simple life on q
canal at Keokuk, Iowa.
Copyright, 1905, by Charles Dryden.)
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

and Mrs. Stubs swooped down on him.
1t was only casual call, and all might
have gone well had not the head of the
firm bethought him of a bad break
that Stubs had made the day before
and dropped in to tell him about it. His
language was pointed and no more ele-
CANT than the presence of a lady de-
manded, and when he got through with
Stubbs that gentleman looked like a
last years apple in a dark corner of
the deserted bin whence all but him
fled.
Mrs. Stubbs held her breath, waiting
for the storm to break, and was on the
point of beseeching Stubs to spare the
old man for the sake of his gray hairs
and dependent family She waited long,
but the storm failed to appear accord
ing to- schedule. Instead Stubs got
red and pink and white and blue and
several other assorted colorS, and
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

dat time me and Duchess took Mr..
Paul and Miss Fannie on DER wedding
joiney to Paris. Say, it's great.
Listen: One day Mr.. Paul, being a
fren of de Ambassador, he goes around
to say howdy to him. and me having
some errands he was to give me to do,
goes wit him. 1 meets an old New
York boy dere what was messenger for
de Ambass. and he says would like to
make a slide into de room back Of
where Mr.. Paul was and see what de
game was like.
Sure / says, always being willing
to loin a new trick in any old trade.
Sure" / says.
I. So he chases me into a room where de
door was open, and 1 could hear de
Ambass doing his toin; and I took a
peek now and den to see de mugs what
was dere on business or for deir healt.
Well, well, it was as good as play on
top Of de stage.
Hello. Paul." says de Ambass.
"How's tings at de dear old club?"
Slow says Mr.. Paul. "Slow wit
out you to tell US new story once in a
whiIe.''
Say" says the Ambass. I've got a
new one I hears at Henry's de odder
day. Why is a Excuse me a min
ute; heare's lady who made an ap-
pointment by cable from London, and
PH see her. Sit right where you are"
peeks and sees dame glide into
de room, and she was a swell rag for
fair.
Your Excellency," says she, as
soon as she caught up wit her breat,
dis is so kind of you for to grant me
de interview at once. but de occasion
is most important, or wouldn't bod
der you." she says:
Don't mention it, my dear
madam says Ambass, and looks like
he knowed what was coming next
Lcouldn't have guessed in tousand
years.
Me dear General-your Excellency,
I mean-Fido has de gout in his fore
right paw, and want you for to rec
ommend de best dog doctor in all
France for to come right away to de
Hotel Continental for to treat him."
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

Foundry loomed up like prison
house.
In vain did I struggle against the
desire TO jump my job-the first one
OF its kind since leaving Leadville
nearly six months before. And 1 need
&c the money, too. The canvas shoes
had blown up and sprung leaks in
various places below the waterline,
and my overalls stood in need of re-
pairs and laundry attentions. The
rest of my toilet consisted Of a short
coat, cotton shirt with collar attached.
necktie and hat. All through my
rambles 1 stuck to the tie-last rem
nant of respectability-or. rather, the
tie stuck to me. The knot was jam
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

med and 1 couldn't undo it. let alone
losing the tie. Thus I looked nice in
spite of myself.
My molding tools had gone, the
Lord knows where; yet the Portland
Stove Company grabbed at me when
conscience impelled me to ask for
work. The job was the making of
lids for cook stoves. In size, weight,
color and shape those cast-iron lids
suggested the bread l had baked for
myself in the desert: and that re-
m1nder helped to render me restless
and homesick. At the end of two days
the longing to be free tore me away
from the foundry, and / once more
took the road. l beat a river boat to
Kalama. from which point it was said,
the wheat trains to Tacoma, WASH,
were downy beds of ease for wander
ing tourists.
The man who piloted me against the
wheat train had not consulted the
latest guide book, for the grain was
sacked and loaded on fiat cars; no
chance there for the Stowaway. I al
lowed three trains to depart, and then
took desperate chance, piling into the
cabooSe of the fourth and taking seat
on the tool box. There was no one in
the caboose but the rear brakeman and
the conductor. The latter paid no heed
to me until the brakeman went for
with big, solemn eyes, looked me over
and said:
Ticket, please"
Haven't any," I replied.
Where are you going?"
Tacoma"
1.-The fare is 81"
I'm broke"
the worst. Without word or gesture
he turned away, and sat in an arm
chair at the side door of the caboose,
hanging his heels to a crossbar higher
than his head. He sat there at least
an hour, looking out into the woods,
while the train rumbled and 1erked. l
huddled on the tool box, shaken with
nameless fear. Never had I met up
with that kind of conductor in all my
hobo career. Would he rise in slow
frenzy and slam me out the open door
or merely crack me on the coco with
an ak? were the agoniZing questions
/ asked myself. Much of the time 1
did not breathe, and clammy moisture
stood on my youthful brow. Not once
did l take my eyes off the conductor.
At length the train halted at a small
station where creosote works was in
operation. Pine timbers for wharf
building were treated with creosote, in
vacuum vats, to offset the ravages Of
the teredo, or salt water worm. The
conductor went out, leaving me on the
tool box. When the train started the
solemn-eyed railroader resumed his
chair and motioned me to one near
him.
Il once knew an old fisherman at Ia
coma,'' said the conductor. He had a
wooden leg made of pine. 1t was his
habit to stand for hours in the water
washing his nets. One Sunday, on the
way to church, the aged fisherman col
lapsed and fell on the street. The water
worms had bored into the wooden leg
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

resembling impunfty under any imag-
Unable circumstances almost deserves
the fate to which she is rushing head
long.
Finally the deal was made and Mrs.
Stubbs settled down to play the quiet
band of matrimony. Stubbs still con-
tinued to tell her of his heroic exploits,
although there was here and there
noticeable absence of circumstances
and detail that should have warned
Mrs. S. But she. poor, foolish soul.
looked and worshiped, and worshiped
the more the longer she looked. How
she pitied the other women who were
compelled to satisfy their starved
hearts with imitation men who never
talked back when the elevator boy told
them to step lively or rebuked the
f1oorwalker for his naughty indiffer-
ence. Night after night they were
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

OATS all. I'll recommend you a law
have. 1t won't take you more dan
year. Den come to me-"
Cant you fight wit France witout
all dat preliminary sparrIng?" says de
mug.
\ ut wouldn't be polite" says Ambass.
'sWe'll fight If we must, but we'll be
polite if we bust"
II taut we had government dat pro-
tected de sacred rights of it's citizens .
says de felly, getting red in his whis-
kers, and he chases.
de story, Paul." says Ambass, like
he'd had an everyday job DE story
will knock your eye oNt. You see, de
Count-was 1t de Count story 1 was
telling ?-de Count had a brodder-in-
law who was by way of being a bal
loonist and-Here we go again. Dis one
will be easy. Excuse me a minute
De usher fetches in .dippy looking
chap wit red eyes, and very long fin
gers, out Of which he was trying to
pick tacks, from de looks of what he
was doing to 'em.
Mr. Ambassador" he says, like de
actor on de stage who always has
shiver music to speak wit, 'its all
right
"Good!" says Ambass, like his long
line of stocks had jumped ten points.
Good"
''Dere is a secret alliance between
England and Germany in de interest Of
de Mutterbund: de Czar is dead and de
Grand Dukes has put a stuffed scare
crow on de trone to fool de people;
Italy is to de bad, but Bohemia-Hist!
Bohemia refuses to consent, and war
will follow unless peace is preserved" I"
IT shall communicate wit President
Roosevelt at once and he will appre-
ciate your services.
Tanks" says Dippy. I'm de mean
time, me dear Mr.. Ambassador, II
you could advance me one franc sixty
from the Secret Funs-"
Don't mention 1t" says Ambass,
passing out Dippy a piece dat looks
like a quarter.
'Well, Paul." says Ambass. when
Dippy had faded away. de story is
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

forced to creep home to the wives Of
their bosoms and confess in faltering
accents that they had been trampled
on and abused and forced to take
back seat generally, while Stubbs, i'm
perious Stubs, went on his. conquer
ing way exacting tribute from all and
several for his overmastering powers
of body and mind.
If Stubbs could have kept his wife at
home all the rest of her life and COM
PEELED her to take his word for every
thing that happened to him he might
have kept UP the bluff without any
trouble, barring the liability of some
kind friend to butt in and give him
away.
Something like that happened to
Stubs. He thought himself secure in
the recesses of his Office, where only
the typewriter's copy and the office
boys cigarettes were vile but one day
there came the swish of Nsilken skirts,
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19
f1n\n\F-EADDF,N crR6AH = &5ME SECRETS 8y EDn

Delighted, madam" says Ambass.
"Alphonse," he says to "a cloik, write
down de address of de dog doctor Of
de Duke of Umterara."
Well, de lady takes de address,
tanks de Ambass, and floats out.
Paul." says his Excellency, dis is
de best you ever heard. I was passing
Henry's de odder day and I hears it.
Say, it'll knock you silly when 1 pass
1t on to you. But wait a minute, here
is de card of de president of de Balti-
more, Salt Lake and Harlem. He's
wort billion, and subscribes literally
under pressure-to de campaign
funs, so I must see him. Show de gent
in, Alphonse."
I rubbers, and sees mug who looks
like ready bank notes, and he was mad
for fair.
''General-Mr. Ambassador, mean
Il know you are busy man, but dis
is a matter dat won't wait; not if dere
is a navy and army in de United States
to take it up. A cabby charged me two
francs ninety-five sous for a ride from
de Hotel Grand to de Place de la Con-
COTQS. WdlkSQ IL IL he u Deen
honest enough to tell me 1t was so
short distance. but he overcharged
me in de bargain. / want de French
Government to be told by you dat
dey has twenty-fouf hours to 'pologize
and retoin de overchargs wit interest
or prepare to go to war;
Sir" says Ambass. "dis is serious,
indeed. Did de cabby wear a white
hat or a yellow one 2"
"a white one" says de mug.
"Ah!' says Ambass. "Ah, dat is
fortunate. We have way of collect
ing overcharge from de white hats
witout going to war. II it had been
a yellow hat I'd ordered Mr.. Root to
have de army shipped in a minute.
All you have to do is to file a COM
plant with de b, reau Of Traffic and
Tunnels, make an affidavit to- de Min
lister of de Form Invasions. petition
de Court Of Dryer and Terminer. for
de Department of Upper Seine on de
Marne, deposit possible costa mat
ter of a few tousand-wit de Gus
todian Of de Roll and den come to me.
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19
MEMO

special ignominy or was only playing
the game according to the rules of. the
SEX Her final conclusion, on which
she rests content at the present writ
ing, was that he was only following
a time-honored custom of the sex, as
her own mother could have informed
her if she had taken the trouble to
inquire
AT intervals Stubbs still forgets his
lesson and relates to Mrs. Stubbs long
stories of the confusion which he has
heaped on the head of insolence Mrs.
Stubbs says nothing. but consoles her
self with the thought that her dear
husband is not really lying. He is
only telling what he would have said
or done if he had had the nerve or
had thought about 1T in time. In
other words. distance not only lends
enchantment to the view, but also
magnifies it materially.-Copyrigh
1904, by Albert Britt.
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

I SEE dat Commissioner McAdoo hav-
ing shook UP de police captains de
President he gets busy, too, and
he is shaking up de Ambassadors.
Say, do you know what kind of a graft
dose Ambassadors has? 1 didn't till
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

= WIZ NO1I@1I NOII sD- y N1'0
hour what great acts he had accom-
plished-a year ago. At the time he
was probably heartily and justly
ashamed of them. but on thinking
them over he has come to the con-
clusion that he did or said or thought
Just the right thing. And the joke Of
the whole business is that what he re-
members so distinctly probably never
happened at all For example, man
has made himself obnoxious on the
Etreetcar by Spreading his feet all over
the floor to the Imminent deadly dan
ger of the other passengers. Some one
objects and there is a small-sized rum
pus. When the man tells about it af-
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-19

NOMETIMES a fellow long di-
~ vorced from his regular occupa-
7 ton shows reluctance to buckle
- down TO humdrum toll when it
is thrust upon him. That was
my fix at Portland, at the windup of
dusty promenade across Idaho and
Oregon in a pair of canvas baseball
shoes. The gay and debonair life Of
the desert wilds, freedom from con-
vention and sleeping in the open air
untitled me for the irksome confines
OF civilization. At last / had become
a genuine thirty-third degree hobo,
but didn't exactly know what allied
me. That was the reason, perhaps,
the four walls Of the Portland Stove