davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
HUMOR OF THE DAY

"Apd do you," Miss Kulcher asked OF the
Chicago girl, really believe in early mar
sof course-the earlier the oftener."-
PHILADELPHIA Press.
PROFESSIONALISM part of speech is hss2
Miss Innerteens-An article
Professor-Why do you think it is an
Miss observation-disclosures it is something
can not decline.-Chicago News
Miss Peechie-I want a hammock that
Polite Clerk-can't guarantee any Of
Miss Peechie-why. that's strange.
Polite Clerk-Not at all. Wed do it II
you were a homeiy girl-but-'-Clevelan
Leader.
banquet given at the SWEETEST club in Chi
The critic-Indeed? And what is that
The Artistmoh. that is the taste they
had the morning after.-Chicago News
Now" said the magistrate. you must
testify only to what you know; no hearsay
yes, sir" replied the female witness.
Now, then, what's your age?"
1I-er-won't tell you. nave only hear
Press.
monte g0G the s9 yssr "' he SAID on the occs
sion of his third cali in a fortnight
YES. sa 1.-the the Sill With yaw gf3teaL
man.
Mrs. Bacon-Did you ever do any hunt
ing in jungle?
Mr.. Bacon-In a jungle?
Mrs. B.-Yes. where everything is COW
MI. Bob. you know I've hunted in
that bottom bureau drawer more than
once.-Yonkers Statesman.
6 BY she goes to shg geSR fFs sgss
"Well, then. in the matter of her reli-
gious duties she's a close observer
Say, rather. a clothes observer She
Other women" Philadelphia Press.
Mother-Tm glad you're playing with
Tommy-Yes' they amt like the other
kind. kin lick any one o. desc kids II
wanter.-Phila delphia Ledger.
Kilson-GayIord's wife used to be aw-
What caused the change, I wonder?
Marlow-Divorce. This isn't the same
wife.-Town and Country.
| Automobiles in Fur-I hear you had an
accident last night!
Automobiles With Cigar-Yes-ran into
Automobilist in Fur-What a shame.
They allow those beastly things to go
much too fasti-Punch.
| ''I have just been reading the account Of
railway wreck in which every occupant
of the smoking carriage was more or less
| injured, while the rest of the passengers
| in the train escaped without HARM, said
| old Hodge.
There, Ezra!" cried Mrs. Hodge, tri-
umphantly, there is another warning
| against the use of tobacco.'-London Tit
| Bits.
Miss Psweet-Excuse me, but where did
you learn to dance?
Mr.. Splay-In a correspondence school,
| Chicago News.
| Mrs. Wiggins-Mr. Wagons said you
l took the coach up the hill.
Prof. Eng1ish-No, madam, the horses
took the coach up the hill; rode in it -
Somerville Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
LOST NO TIME.

The neighbors didn't have any time
for specializing about a Buffalo widow
who married yesterday. Her husband
died Sunday, and at the funeral Tues
day a neighbor noticed that the widow
was young and rosy checked and look
ed good to him. He proposed to her
upon the return from the cemetery
and they were married last night. At
least, the telegraph says so.-Atchison
Globe.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

If you are thinking of becoming a
book agent better go to New York
where the prices run as high as $40, oOO
a volume and the money is paid in ad-
vance before the book is published.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

This from the Washington Post is re-
spectfully referred to those who have
been having a controversy over the
matter; Judge Dana, of Topeka, Kan,
has refused to issue an injunction to
prevent jackasses from braying. Hav-
ing been long in Kansas politics, the
judge knows that they cannot be stop
ped"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Hyde, of the agricultural department at
Washington, has been suddenly seized
with poor health and has been compell-
ed to go to Europe since it was an
nounced that a grand jury would look
into the agricultural department leaks.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

About one-haIf the people of New
York appear to be engaged in the bust
ness of exposing scandal among the
other half" says the Birmingham News.
That contradicts the theory half the
world doesn't know how the other half
lives.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

having spinal column, but nothing
comes of it. E. W. Hoch. of Marion,
the man of sterling integrity and fear
less honesty, became another man when
he Joined his political fortunes with
those of Kelly, Burrow, Dayhof and
the rest .
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Walter Johnson has been figuring on
this little problem in mental arithmetic:
''If Mr.. Kelly's last personal bond for a
half million cost the state $547, 900, what
will his new personal bond for mil
lien cost the state?" Have you any So
luton?
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
OF COURSE HE WAS.

Ex-Congressman Funston was fined
in lola for saying that the officers did
not do their duty. The Register tells
of a policeman who found a man beat
ing his wife, but upon the beater's
faithful promise not to do so again, he
was not arrested. 1t looks like Fun
ston was right.-Salina Journal
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Senator Plat says he would do diff
ferently if he could live his political life
over again. For instance, it is proba-
BILE that ne would not be so enthusiasts
tic for Theodore Roosevelt for vice pres
ident as he was at the Philadelphia con-
O1an4{or
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
MAY m TAINTED.

els open air healthy?' inquiries a
magazine writer, doubtfully. Don't
know, but presume since the magazine
writer's have found something wrong
with everything else we do, it is I'M
healthy to breathe also.-Iola Register.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
ONE RESULT.

One effect of the dynamiting of
joints in lola has been to remove them
from the center of the business dis
tricts: property owners will no longer
permit them adjoining their buildings,
for fear of destruction or damage. If
the agitation continues lola may be
able to get rid of the joint nuisance
together.-Lawrence Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
KANSAS COM4ENT
WHY Ir WAS NEEDED.

Morton Albaugh, who contended
that the state board of assessors last
money than was necessary to run the
state, says: THE taxpayers can now
appreciate and understand what that
unnecessary half million was raised
for last year. Kelly and Devlin have
had the use of it and today it is in the
defunct First National of Topeka with
the lid Well screwed down. '-Seneca
Tribune.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

These people who are so sure Kansas
viii not give Burton another term bet
ter not be too optimistic. Remember
Tom Kelly was known to be a thief and
an embezzler before he was given an
other term.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Senator Mitchell might get his SEN
tence changed to the jail at Ironton,
Mo, so that he might participate in a
minority session of the United States
senate there.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

The Chicago Tribune says: "A Kan
sas agriculturist has harvested $4,000
bushels of wheat from his 400 acre
farm. What IS the matter with Kan
sas?'' You tell.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Will it be necessary to have another
Iroquis disaster to compel the Craw-
ford theater trust to unlock the doors
of the Grand in Topeka?
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

There are doubtless a lot of Republi-
cans who are proud of the fact that
they voted a straight Republican tick
ct" last fall, but you don't hear them
Dragging much about it.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Now Havana is quarantining against
New Orleans on account of yellow fever.
The time may come when the Panama
newspapers will crack jokes about New
Jerseys mosquitoes.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
OTHER SUPPLIES

A Nova Scotia paper says Canada
has enough land to give each inhabi-
could throw in enough ice to last till
the miliennium.-New York Tribune.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
HOME NEWS WHILE AWAY.

Subscribers OF the state Journal
away during the sumraer may have
the paper mailed regularly each day
10 any address at the rate of thirty
cents month. Address changed as
often as desired. While cat Of town
the State journal will be to you like
a daily letter from home.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
SHINING AT HERO MEDALS.

A Pittsburg mechanic recently bolt
ed a Carnegie medal-awarding ordeal,
and now we hear of a 15-year-old life
saver begging to have his name kept
out of the papers for fear of attract
ing the attention of the "hero fund"
trustees. He suggests a new inscrip-
ton for these medals, cav fergit it!'
New York Evening Post.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
NEEDED AT HOME.

Governor Hoch "has been thinking
that to release a dove at the christen-
ing of the battleship Kansas would be
appropriate and desirable. Kansas
seems to need right at home all the
doves of peace it can get.-Wichita
Eagle.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Still Mr.. Burbank has never produced
a lot of potatoes with a five dollar gold
piece In each one, as Rockefeller did. Is
not Mr.. Rockefeller then entitled to the
degree of wizard?
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Senator Depew says that the people
don't understand his character. We
admit that Chauncey has been fooling
us for a good many years.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

A Lawrence man has been arrested
for fighting with his mother-in-law.
It's lucky for scme men that that is
not a common ground for arrest.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
KING CORN.

Corn has always been king in
Franklin county. but it promises to
add new coat of varnish to the
throne this year.-Ottawa Herald.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
A "cn1NCInENcE ;,

OF course. it is only a coincidence
that Treasurer Kelly and Senator Bur-
ton are the closest of political and per-
sonal friends.-Troy Chief.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Depew didn't have the excuse that he
needed the money, but Burton did. THAI
Is one difference.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
Money Making Parks.

ropean cities, Los Angeles, Cal, will
turn Griffith Park, with an area of three
thousand acres of brush land, into
commercial forest Four experts, with
view to converting this practically
waste piece of land into a productive
forest, made a comprehensive planting
place for the trees, which will not only
pay for it's cultivation and care through
the sale of mature timber, but will
prove a constant source of pleasure and
recreation for the citizens of Los
Angeles. Los Angeles is the first Amer
lean city to adopt this plan, but it is
predicted that other municipalities in
this country viii soon follow in its foot
steps.-August Country Life In America
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Governor La Toilette says ''all other
issues are secondary to public hon.
esty." Private honesty ought to find
a place in that kind of a programme.
Then public honesty would follow as
the night the day.-New York Tri-
bune.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

New Orleans knows something about
the real yellow peril just now.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Speaking of yellow journalism, a Chi
nese daily is to be started in San Fran
r7fcco
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
NEW YORK WANTS ONE

Since the discovery of the amount
of graft in the Philadelphia filtration
plant, New York city officials have de-
cided to build one.-Washington Post
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
TYle .sTrainy,, Male.

Apropos of summer raiment a man
peered at himself in a mirror one noon
last week with Disguised EXPRESSION
that spoke louder than words. He was
not heavy man or a corpulent man
or man who was inclined to take on
flesh; he was very fat man and he
said:
women may be peculiar and
finicky in some things, but when it
comes to common sense dressing for
comfort in hot weather they have us
worse than left at the post; we're left
in the paddock. We're not even among
the also rams. Does woman get up
in the morning and swathe her neck in
starched bandages and draw scarf
around her throat that chokes her and
load her body down with everything
that happens to be hanging on nails
and chairs? She does not; she puts on
a few low-cut f1imsy garments and I'M
less she has to iron or hang out the
wash it'll make you shiver to pass her
no matter if it's so in the shade.
but what do 1 do in order to be
conventional? / button on a four-ply
collar with an extra thickness in front
yank and saw a four-in~hand into
place, knot it and perspire. Then I
worm into a wooden waistcoat or a
white one that's as stiff as board and
coat that's sagging with papers and
letters and trousers with half a ton of
metal In the pockets. Or il I leave off
the waistcoat I sport a belt because
l.
strap the belt tight I can't digest my
breakfast and If 1 don't strap it tight
might as well hang it on a creased
marble pillar and expect it won't drop.
haven't had a waist in twenty years.
Nov in so far as purposes of per-
sonal adornment are concerned I
might better take that collar dip it in
warm water and tie it around my
ankle. 1t adds nothing to my appear
ance; it's wet through and through in
a jiffy and I can't take my mind off it
from breakfast to supper. If I sit
down everybody moves away from me
for fear I'm going to explode and
spatter, and SO I pant and mop through
eighteen hours of the day. Look at
these handkerchiefs. Span clean this
morning! You'd think I'd found them
in a coal hole under leaking tank.
And it's good deal the same way in
winter A woman arrays herself for a
ball as if her work was cut out for
her, and she's no more than comfort
ably warm when it's all over But
after a man has danced one dance he
looks as if he'd just been ished from
the river.
Women may be a trifie queer in the
matter of raiment, but they're not in
sane. Jaurnal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
NEEDED-MoRE ADJECTIvEs.

Policy-holders in the Equitable
have long since passed the stages of
bewilderment and suspicion-and
there are no words in the language to
fit the condition in which they find
themselves now New Bedford
Standard.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
BRINGING RUSSIA TO TIME.

Every time Russia announces that
the terms of peace must be quite sat
isfactory to her or she will not accept
them, Japan gives the screws of war
another turn or two.-Philadelph
Record,
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
NO Use FOR IT.

The car is in favor of removing his
capital to Moscow. Some of his con-
stituents are in favor of removing it
entirely Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
The CITY of Upside Down.

Some interesting facts about Butte,
Mont, appear in the August Worlds
Work. Among them are the follow
ing:
The sightseer has a pleasant expert
ence at Helena, but to get a glimpse
of the internal wonders of mining, he
must now go to Butte. Perhaps no
where else can he have such an ex-
side down. To begin with, the city
takes its water from the eastern side
of the continental divide, and thus
diverts it from the Atlantic to the Pa
cif1c slope. Then, large part of its
population is always underground;
streets ESQ to call them) are longer
than those overground. All its
wealth comes from these depths.
Nothing green can grow there. In
general Nature is turned topsy-turvy.
But it is rich-very rich-interest-
and smelters are $2,0O0,o00 a month,
or about $50 for every man, woman
and child.
Within radius of a mile from the
court house there are 125 mines in
operation, and they are producing
mined in the world. From beneath
the surface of this 1000 acres have
already been taken 1,750,000 tons of
copper bullion-enough to make an
ordinary trolley wire, they tell you,
1, 10000 miles long. If all the shafts,
drifts and crosscuts in the hill around
Butte and under 1t could be put to-
gether into one straight tunnel, it
would reach-so they assure you
from Butte to the Pacific ocean. This
who has ever seen it can forget it
| is on the path that not many years
ago Sitting Bull ranged with his
braves.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
The weather Man Saves Money.

In spite of the standing jokes about
the weather man, it is probable that
for every dollar spent on the weather
time of the Mississippi flood in 1897
SIS, 100000 worth of live stock and
other property were saved as a result
of warnings issued a week ahead.
Signals displayed for a single hurri-
cane have detained in port vessels val
ued, with their cargoes, at $50, 900, 600.
The West Indian stations, established
in 1898, inform US of hurricanes as
soon as they begin. The course of the
hurricane that caused the Galveston
flood was charted for a week before
1t struck our shores-for hurricanes
move slowly. About eighty-five per
cent. of the forecasts now come true,
and by the aid of rural free delivery
Is. 100000 forecast cards were dis
tributed last year to farmers, many of
whom could not have had them five
years ago.-Country Life in America.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
CHEAP AT THE PRICE!

In all circles where Equitable mat
ters are discussed the question is in
variably asked: "For what did
Thomas +. Ryan pay $2,500.000 %
WelI-if he paid it for a reputation,
the reputation would be cheap at the
price in these days, when such things
are beginning to have a scarcity value.
wall Street Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
A SORRY SPECTACLE.

Plat, Depew, Penrose, Knox-one
good man in this bunch of four, and
he the youngest in service and least
experienced in the ways of senatorsi
largest and most prosperous states of
the union present to their smaller sis
ters for their standards in govern
ment.-Philadelphia Record.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Mother-Im glad you're playing with
good little boys now.
Tommy-Yes' m; they amt like the other
kind. kin lick any one o. desc kids II
wanter.-Phila delphia Ledger.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
OUGHT TO PURIFY 1T.

1t is pleasing to note that Mr..
Rockefeller has not given away all of
his tainted money. He has just
bought 100000 shares of AmaIga-
mated Copper.-St. John IN. b. TEL
egraph.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Acknowledgment wife used to be aw-
fully stout and now she is quite thin.
What caused the change, / wonder?
Marlow-Divorce. This isn't the same
wife.-Town and Country.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

But she goes to church regularity"
"Of course. I don't deny that"
"Well, then. in the matter of her reli-
giouS duties she's a. close Observer
"Say, rather, a clothes observer She
simply goes to observe the clothes OF the
other women.''-Philadelphia Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
IMPOSSIBLE.

They've adopted a curfew law in
Pittsburg to make the children come
in out of the smoke.-New York Com
nercial.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Mrs. Bacon-Did you ever do any hunt
ing in a jungle?
Mr. Bacon-In jungle?
Mrs. B.-Yes. where everything is COW
cred IN?
Mr.. Bob, you know I've hunted in
that bottom bureau drawer more than
once.-Yonkers Statesman.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Ibid you know this was the longest
month in the year?" he said on the occa-
sion of his third call in a fortnight.
Yes" said the girl. with a yawE; 1t
man.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

And do you," Miss Kulcher asked OF the
Chicago girl, really believe in early mar
riaces?'' .,
s2Of course-the earlier the oftener. =
PHILADELPHIA Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Automobiles in Fur-I hear you had an
accident last night
Automobiles With Cigar-Yes-ran into
a steam roller.
Automobilist in Fur-What a sharnei
They allow those beastly things to go
much too fasti-Punch.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Now" said the magistrate, you must
testify only to what you know; no hearsay
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29
FROM OTHER PENS
WHEN TO START.

II NNI4 VIZ 4xAN 4A4H0 II
WHEN TO START.
Governor La Toilette says 'all other
issues are secondary to public hon
esty." Private honesty ought to find
a place in that kind of a programme.
Then public honesty would follow as
the night the day.-New York Tri-
bune.
o.
OTHER SUPPLIES.
A Nova Scotia paper says Canada
has enough land to give each inhabi-
tant 400 acres. We may add that she
could throw in enough ice to last till
the miliennium.-New York Tribune.
SHYING AT HERO MEDALS.
Pittsburg mechanic recently bolt
ed Carnegie medal-awarding ordeal,
and now we hear of a 15-year-oId life
saver begging to have his name kept
out of the papers for fear of attract
ing the attention of the hero fund"
trustees. He suggests new inscrip-
ton for these medals, cav fergit it,"
New York Evening Post.
NEW YORK WANTS ONE.
Since the discovery of the amount
plant, New York city officials have de-
cided to build one.-Washington Post
o.
BRINGING RUSSIA TO TIME.
Every time Russia announces that
the terms of peace must be quite sat
them, Japan gives the screws of war
another turn or two.-Philadelph
Record.
NO USE FOR IT.
The car is in favor of removing his
rAnl - - n Sc
stituents are in favor of removing it
entirely Journal.
NEEDED-MORE ADJECTIvES.
Policy-holders in the Equitable
have long since passed the stages of
bewilderment and suspicion-and
there are no words in the language to
fit the condition in which they find
themselves now New Bedford
Standard.
A SORRY SPECTACLE.
Plat, Depew, Penrose, Knox-one
good man in this bunch of four, and
he the youngest in service and least
experienced in the ways of senatorsi
It is sorry spectacle that the two
largest and most prosperous states of
the union present to their smaller sis
tiers for their standards in govern
nt.-Philadelphia Record.
OUGHT TO PURIFY IT.
1t is pleasing to note that Mr..
Rockefeller has not given away all of
his tainted money. He has just
bought 100000 shares of Ama1ga-
mated Copper.-St. John IN. 3D. Tel
egraph.
IMPOSSIBLE.
They've adopted a curfew law in
Pittsburg to make the children come
in out of the smoke.-New York Com
mercial.
CHEAP AT THE PRICE.
In all circles where Equitable mat
ters are discussed the question is in
variably asked: "For what did
Thomas +. Ryan pay $780, 600 p
WelI-if he paid it for reputation,
the reputation would be cheap at the
price In these days, when such things
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

The Artist-Here is the picture of a
banquet given at the SWEETEST club in Chi
caGo.
The Critic-Indeed? And what is that
daub of brown IN one corner?
The Artist-Oh, that is the taste they
had the morning after.-Chicago News.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-29

Miss Peechie-I want a hammock that
will not break down.
Polite Clerk-Cant guarantee any OF
'em, miss.
Miss Peechie-Why. that's strange.
Polite Clerk-Not at all. Wed do IT II
you were a homeiy girl-but-'-Clevelan
Leader.