Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-05-07
CITY DISCOYERER
Is ENLIGHTENED


This" remarked the City Discoverer,
eententedly, as he propped his back against
convenient tree trunk on the sunny Hill
side, is perfectly delightful spot. 1t Is
not for nothing that my friends call me the
City Discoverer. for / certainly do know
where to go when have time for a ramblc-
Why. one could simply battle in this
Sir, said cold. reproving voice be-
hind the Discoyerer. Il trust you do not
dulge in that Demonstrating habit
The City Discoverer turned around quick
| ly to confront tall man with vandyke
beard and dome-like forehead. who was
seated some little distance away reading a
large calf-bound volume What habity'
| stammered the Dscoyerer, In some en-
| barrassment.
'sOf bathing said the stranger iciIy, "of
| washing. of immersing ones self in aqua
pura. of wetting ones body with water"
why, of course 1 do" responded the
| Discoverer. gazing at the speaker In won
| der, land everybody else does. too. That
| Is, everybody / know"
The stranger shook his head Respondent
| ly. How ignorance fiourshes in this part
| of the country he remarked bitterly. II
am glad | am not here FOR long. The peo-
| pie evidently do not know that it is wrong
| to bathe"
Wrong to battle" echoed the City Dis
| coverer. his mild blue eyes round with as
constituent behind his gold-rimmed glasses.
''Of course" replied the stranger with
the dome-lke head II thought every one
knew that. Neither is it necessary to wash
| In order to keep clean. My researches have
| demonstrated that bathing is extremely
| productive of disease. and that the person
" no abstains from washing from birth VIII
live to be PIG years. months and "a days
old That Is, of course, provided he uses
| in place of water. for purposes of cleanIi-
| ness, a brush made of camel's hair and
pine splinters. To deny those facts is to
show absolutely barbaric ignorance"
But" said the City Discoverer rather
crushed by the dictatorial manner or the
learned stranger. ION this particular occa-
sion / was speaking of bathing in the sun
shine"
The man with the dome-like head raised
his eyes to the tree tops. More ignorance,
he remarked after an eloquent pause.
More ignorance! Do you not know. sir,
that 1t has recently been demonstrated by
the assistant in my department that sun
shine is extremely harmful to the human
body? / see that you do not. Let me tell
you, SIR that the cellar-bred human Is the
human of the future If 1t were not for the
wearing, enervating and fuel-conSuming
sunshine, the span of life would be length
ened by fifty years. three months and four
teen days. Sleep eat and live In your ce-
lar, sir, II you wish to live to a ripe old
age"
blue eyes and gazed with open mouth at
the man with the dome-like head. Then
he got on his feet still staring, and made
ready to depart 81 am very fond of walk
ing" he remarked. alphabetically. land I
| think have strayed further from home than
l intended. 1 think would better be go
Ing"
"Stay moment" commanded the strang-
| er. do you walk much?"
IA great DEAL" replied the Discoverer
proudly. I'm fact, take 50 many ram
bles and learn so many interesting things
| that my friends call me the City Discov-
erer."
How do you walk?" asked the stranger
| impatiently, almost before the Discoverer
had finished his explanation.
ooh, just stroll along" replied the Dis
cOverer. II just
| II asked. how do you walk?" interrupted
| the stranger. with great irritation.
| mean." replied the Discoverer uneasily.
DO you walk on your feet?" inquired the
nan with the dome-like head.
why, of course" replied the DiscOverer,
e6ging away from his questioner.
The stranger rolled his eyes upward again.
"More ignorance" he breathed. @What
part of the country Is this anyhow? Why.
l.. has been fully year since proved and
demonstrated beyond the possibility of
mistake that the only scientific method Of
progression is on all fours-hands and
feet-and that to walk upright is positively
harmful and moreover Is conducive to short
life and i'll health. Does; 1t not occur to
you now. as you stand there on your hind
legs, that you are in strained. unnatural
position? Can you not see that If you
walk home on all tours you will be in your
proper attitude have assumed position
indicative Of the last swing of the cycle.
have voluntarily proclaimed your mental
and physical acceptance of the unalterable
and irrevocable law of reversion to type?
Is it not perfectly plain to you?"
The City Discoverer merely mopped his
brow and gaZed at the man with the van
dyke beard in daze.
Remember, sir, what have told you.'
the stranger continued. do not battle,
keep out of the sunshine live in your cell
lar and walk on all fOurs. If you follow
| those instructions-and they are not theo-
ries, but demonstrated facts-you will live
| to the ripe old age of four hundred and
nineteen years. eleven months and twenty
seven days. And do not forget, also. that
you will owe your long life to the discoy-
cries made at the greatest institution in
the world"
The City Discoverer replaced his gold
trimmed glasses. removed his fascinated
gaze from the man with the dome-like
head and started away without word
Then he turned back and remarked in a
tfmid and embarrassed voice, 81 have
joyed this-er-remarkable conversation
very much indeed and it has been honor
to meet one Of such great learning. And
should like it very much if you would tell
me who you are
1.-THE climax of ignorance" said the
stranger, with an expression of utter con-
tempt. But l will enlighten you. When
the truth of what l have told you today
comes home to you, remember that you
first received it from the fountain head
from the dean of the instruction corps of
the greatest institution in the world. from
, the head of the Department of Mental Con-
tortion of the University of Chicago"
For once the City Discoverer was silent
on his homeward walk and his impressions
of the interview with the learned professor
are unfortunately not of record, but ac-
cording to his friends he did not grow moie
fond of the cellar, nor did he emit his MORN
ing bath or cease to walk upright.