The San Francisco call., 1905-08-27
yet again gand again / had voted For


for. them with no protest beyond a
cynical shrug and wry look. Every
man, even the laxest, if he is to con-
tinue to count as one." must have
point where he draws the line -beyoHd
which he'will not go. The liar must
have things he will not lie about, the
thief things he will not steal, the COM
promiser things he will not compromise,
the practical man in the pulpit, in pol
itics. in business, in the professors
chair, or editorial tribune, things he
will not sacrifice, whatever the. cost.
That. is practical honor" + had
reached my line of practical honor.
my line between. possible compromise
and certain Generalization. And I re-
allied it.
When the roll call ended 1 rose, and,
clear, said: MIR. Speaker, / voted In. the
negative by mistake. 4 wish my vote,
recorded in. the affirmative. am
against the bill"
Amid fearful silence 1 took my
seat With.a suddenness that made me
leap; a wild and crazy Assemblyman,
noted as the crank of that session,
emitted a fantastic yell of enthusiastic
approval. Again there was that silence;
then the tension of the assembly, floor
and crowded galleries, burst in storm
of hysterical laughter.
l wish l could boast how brave l
felt as 1 reversed my vote, how indif-
ferent to that tempest of mockery, and
how strong as l went forth to meet
my master and hear my death warrant.
But I can't, in honesty-Im only
human being, not hero, and these
are my confessions, not my pro-
fessions. SO | must relate that. though
the voice that requested the chance of
vote was calm and courageous, the man
behind it was agitated and sick with
dread. There may be those vino have
the absolute courage some men boast
If not directly, then by implication in
despising him who shows that he has
it not. For myself must say that l
never made a venture-and my life has
been a succession of ventures, often
with my whole stake upon the table
/ never made a venture that ! did not
have a sickening sensation at the heart.
My courage, if it can be called by SO
sounding a name has been in daring to
make the throw When every atom of
me was shrieking, You'll lose! You'll
be ruined"
did not see Dominick until after
supper. / had neryed myself for a
scene-indeed, j had been hoping he
would insult me. When one lacks the
courage boldly to advance along the
periious course his intelligence coun-
sells, he is lucky if he can and will goad
some one into Kicking him along it
past the point where retreat is possible.
Such methods of advance are not dig
nifed, but then, is life digniied? To
my surprise and alarm, Dominick re-
fused TO kick me into manhood. He
had been paid, and the $1,000, in bills of
large denomination, were warming his
heart from the inner pocket of his
Iua iSfa @ TO ScOWl-
ing, but friendly.
why didn't you tell me you wanted
to be let off, Harvey?" he said re-
proachfully, I'D a done it. Now, damn
you, you've put me In place where I've
got to give you the whip.
To flush at this expression from
Dominick was a hypocritical refinement
of sensitiveness. To draw myself up
haughtily, to turn on my heel and walk
away-that was the Stiffness of boy.
Still, am glad / did both those absurd
things. When.E told my mother. how
had ruined myself inspolities she began
to cry-and tears were mot hers habit.
Then. she got my fathers picture and
kissed 1t and talked to 1T about me,
just as If he were there with US, and
for a time 1 felt that I was of heroic
stature -.
But, as the days passed with no
laurels in the form of cases and fees,
and as clients left me through
fear of Dominick power, l shriveled
back to human size, and descended
from my pedestal. From the ground
level began again to look about the
matter -of-fact world.
/ saw was making only first small
payment on the heavy price for the
right to say no, for the right to be free
to break with any man or any enter
prise that menaced my self-ownefship.
That right felt must keep, whatever
its cost. Some men can. or think they
can, lend their lf-ownership and take
it back at convenience; I knew I was
not of them--and Let none of them
Judge me. Especially let none judge
me who only deludes himself-that he
owns himself who has sold himself all
his life long for salaries and positions
or for wealth. or for the empty reputa-
ton of power he wields only on an
others sufferance.
A glance about me was enough to
disclose the chief reason why so many
men had surrendered, the inner citadel
of .self-respect. In the crucial. hour,
when they had to choose between SUBJ
servience and a hard battle with adver-
sity, forth from their hearts had issued
a traitor weakness, the feeling of re-
sponsibility to wife and children and
this traitor had easily delivered them
captive to some master or masters.
More or less than human, it seemed to
me, was the courage that could make
successful resistance to this traitor. and
could strike down and drag down wife
and children. II must give up Eliza
BETH" | said to myself, for her own
sake as we'll as for mine. Marry her
must not until / am established secure
ly in freedom. And when will that be 2"
In my mood of darkness and despair.
the answer to that question was q re-
lentless. Never, especially if you are
weighted with the sense of obligation
to her. of her wasting her youth in
waiting for YOU"
I wrote her all that was in my mind.
'sYou must forget me- l said land
shall forget you-for see that you are
not for me-"
The answer came by telegraph: ::
Please don't ever again hurt me in
that way And of the letter which
came two days later l remember clear
ly this sentence: IF you will not let
me go en- with you, / will make the
journey alone"
This shook me, but I knew only too
well how the bright and beau
tiful legions of the romantic
opd fl,a ;doaI corId he nut RI a;<rI,t