The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-18

Soft soap. But I jest cant do IT.
I amt in tn right condition;
But if some one I'D dig some bait. an rig
- : . cleveland Leader
HuMOR OF THE DAY.
A Baltimore newspaper man was
found by a policeman with a knife
blade imbedded in his neck to the hilt.
He didn't even know that he had been
stabbed. A man with as little sense Of
news as that has no business even on a
Baltimore newspaper.-Brooklyn Times,
The effort to introduce that edu-
Gated baboon into New York's upper
society circles seems destined to be a
failure. He attended a theatrical per-
Torrance in the big city the other
night apd actually sat all through it
without once interrupting the perform
ance with silly jabbering.
Plain Dealer.
Little Bobby Cooking at big sky
scraper)- Say, papa?
Papa-well, what is it, Bobby?
Little Bobby-Why, don't they
build the cities in the country, where
there's more room?
Little Johnny's father had just
broken fancy plate.
Its a good thing you amt a kid,
papa said the little fellow, ''or
mamma wouldn't do a thing to you.''
Small Elmer and his father had just
had strenuous interview in the
woodshed.
81 punished you merely to show my
love for you" said the father.
'"T-that's all fright" sobbed the
little fellow. ITS a ggOod thing I
amt -b-big to return your i-love."--
Chicago News.
Daisy-why was Maude Oldgirl so
angry about her photographs? Didn't
they hatter her?
Maisie-Oh, they were as pretty as
the artist could make them, but on the
back of each one it said, The original
of this picture is carefully preserved."-
Cleveland Leader.
Wilkins-''Did Bill1ins' get-rich-quick
scheme fall through" Bosh-''Yes. he
| proposed to an heiress and she threw
him down. Detroit Free Press.
Binl1s-I wonder why artists so like
to draw these long pictures, putting the
| dog way down ahead.
Miss Jinks-Probably so that the poor
brute can't hear the usual dudes con-
versation.-Chicago News.
Shine out. O sun! DER field and plain,
An scorch the roof an rafter,
An teach these sinner-folk again
What to expect hereafter!
Atlanta Constitution.
with well directed shot, Kit Carson
brought the huge grizzly down and his
Indian friends rushed forward with
their skinning knives.
stop! sternly commanded the
great hunter, do not dare to lay a
hand on it until Loeb and the photogra-
pliers arriver'
The statement that Kit Carson lack
ed polish is clearly an error.-Salt Lake
Herald.
( mir oi1
ted the baking powder drummer, who
was tolerably familiar with the affairs
/ of the hamlet. why in the deuce did
/ this community elect that red-nosed,
/ jack-legged old wind-jammers Col.
/ Boomwaller, to the legislature?'
sfWell,7 replied the landlord of the
/ tavern at Polkville, Ark, philosophical
/ ~, I'VE couldn't elect him to the peni-
-Woman's Home Companion.
Mrs. Farmly-''Well, how did yew find
! our son Reuben at college; was he at
| the TOP of the heap in language?" Mr..
/ Farmly-''No, b. goshi He was at the
| bottom 9th heap in a scrimmage. His
| language, Marian, I won't repeat
! Judge.
| Shells a telephone girls occupa-
/ ton profession or business? He
Neither; it's a calling.-Chicago Daily
News.
New Jersey the foster mother Of
! trusts, now aspires to become the step
mother Of stock gambling.-New York
! World.
After being without girl for a week,
the mistress of Harlem apartment
was showing an applicant over the fiat
! She had been liberal IN her promises Il
/ privileges in the way of afternoons and
/ nights off. She had even gone so far
as to extend the hour of the girls re-
turn on these nights, and to agree 10
/ her using The sewing machine a1tsr hSr
work was done.
The new girl seemed pleased, and the
mistress was beginning to hope They
walked back into the dining room, ana
the girl had actually removed one hat
min from her hat. Then her smile faded.
do you do your own stretchin'?" she
DO we do our own what?" asked the
ssStretchin'? o. repeated the new girl.
st don't understand"
s.Stretchin'," repeated the girl again.
do you put the stuff on the table az
meal time and stretch for it, or do
have to shuttle it around? "-Harper's
/ Weekly.
Tommy Figgjam ION his first trip to
New Harbor)-Paw, what are those big
/ Paw Figgiann-Those are the Stan
dard Oil cOmpanys vessels outward
bound for Europe.
/ Tommy Figgjam-Say. Paw, is a trip
/ ike that what the Bible means by
spealxin' of "a cruise of oil?"-Baltimore
American.
Tess-she was vaccinated the other
day, hear.
Jess-Yes, but she's awfully disap-
| pointed about it.
Tess-What's the matter? DIDN'T Il
Jess-oh. yes. but the stupid doctor