davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

Butt In any further than we Dared be-
tween 81 and Go. 1t doesn't Pay to
make an Enemy of a Power that Fights
as the Americans Do. Ever Since we
Tasted a few Samples of her Pugnacity.
don't you know, we've beer Trying to
Sit SO Close she couldn't Hit us if she
Wanted to. We have watched her
Progress with Interest-at Eight per
cent payable Semi-annually. We have
watched it with the same Sort of In
tere5t with which a Clothing Merchant
watches the Progress of the man who
Moved In and opened a Rival Shop
across the Street. Sold better Goods for
Lower Prices, and carried a better Win
dow Display. Each Succeeding Year
has made each Country feel how Much
in Common we held One Thing-a De-
sire to get the Lions Share of Each
others Commerce. However, we have
Managed to Corral Good Deal OF
Americas Money. We have F1shed for
American Heiresses, using Feeble-mind-
ed Remnants of Aristocracy as Hooks
and Titles for Bait. This form of Ang-
ling has Landed a good Many Cold
Fish, and they are still Taking the Bait.
| am a Strong Advocate of the Anglo
Saxophone Alliance, just. as I Feel
Friendly TO an Umbrella when the Rain
Begins. 1 was to Congratulate Mr..
All Consulting the Menu card)
Reid on the fact that President Roose-
welt acted at the Right Time in his
Effort at Closing the Eastern War. Just
why 1 should congras ulate Mr.. Reid on
this / do not Know, but 1 do. l have
a Right to take any Arbitrary Action
in this Matter that J See Fit. America
and Great Britain are c.ood Old Pards,
as they say in the States, don't you
know. There is Nothing between them
but the Atlantic Ocean"
Great Excitement Followed this adj
dress. and it was Nhitelaw's Cue TO
Serve up the Playful Comeback
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
A WORD OF ADVICE.

Biddlecoma was holding his eldest son
in earnest converse
My boy he said Il am filed With
anxiety when l think that you will
soon make choice Of a wife
Il have not done so yet, father" the
young man replied What sort of wife
would you suggest?"
The older man looked around au-
tiously
My son" he said. 'fr your fathers
advice is worth anything TO you. 1t
me urge You to seek for woman wha
hasn't the independence. the positive
ness. the general characteristics of your
mother. He was Interrupted at that
moment by light football and realized
| that mis- beloved heipmeet had entered
the room. No. my SON. he continued.
do not hone TO find another woman
like your mother. SUCH paragons are
rarely If ever, duplicated Cleveland
Plain peaiexs
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
~ Amt One Seven With Jody.

While the Band played America" and
the Usual For He's a j. G. F. was
Sung. the man from Xenia, O., arose,
Stroked his Portieres and Said:
Boys, 1 amt One-Two-Seven with
Jody Choate as a Spieler-nah. He's got
tn whole Squad of Abraded. But there's s
one thing Sure as Little Apples was a
part of the Plan of Creation. Jody ain t
got me Faded None when ii comes TO
being Plumb Stuck on tn Home Bunch
an youse Fellers over here. That's
Straight. WHY there's nothing to it.
Fellers. All TIL things that's Worth
While Bein' that We amt, You'uns is
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
By ]. P. JOHNSTON.

(Author OF Twenty Years of SLING etc.)
Copyright. 19o5 by Joseph B. Bowles.)
- ONE years ago while 1 was stay
ing at a small town in Michi-
gan, u large man travelling with
his wife and young son in a fine
carriage, took quarters at the hotel
During the several weeks he was
there. L never saw him speak a dozen
words TO anyone, although he was con-
stantly in the hotel Office.
He smoked the choicest cigars. and
several of them a day. Should the
landlord or any of the guests address
him. they would be rewarded by a
mere grunt or monosyllable, and his
wife was equally reticent. Whether he
was a grand duke in disguise, a horse
thief or q bank robber. no one was
able to guess.
Every afternoon his handsome team
and carriage were brought TO the hotel
entrance, and he and his family would
take a long ride into the country.
After the silent man had been there
just a week two strapping big men
called to see him Saturday evening and
remained until Monday morning. Each
carried what they called a Patent
Clothes Founder and Cleanser" and
Journeyed on foot, with their trousers
tucked into their rubber boot tops.
1t developed later that the two men
were canvassers, and were working on
salary for the main CRATER" as we
shall call him
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

Sponge And, to Make Matters stiii
more Serious, the distinguished Guest of
the Evening has been Eight Years over
the Dotty Line. I'm sorry I didn't
Bring my Outfit With me Tonight.
feel that I could have done the World
Much Good / would cheerfulIy Sjinr
Sleep into all of you, without Specl6c
Charge. as. being an Author, / am A.
custon1ed to Waiting on Royalty. This
derstand that Hen Irving has in his
Right-Hand Breast Pocket Il Pome nv
Alfred Austin, which will very Effec-
lively Accomplish the Purpose of the
Chloroform ] so Carelessly Forgot
This, too. was received with Great En-
tl1usiasTn, and Mr. Irving arose to read
the Verses.
yhereupon the Toastmaster Raprea
on the Table and Reminded the great
Ranteur that he had not been Called
upon The little Break having been
Apologized for In Fitting Terms, Henry
went on as Follows:
AUsTINS s POEM.
Now once again these Blokes across the
Send some one over Here TO Eat with
Not for his sake Alone are we so Fond
OF him-we just don't want TO have no
Fuss.
We've had right Many of those folks
Come over here and Cut an awful
Swell;
There's John Jake Astor-he's a idsa.
for fair,
And Henry James is doing very VIII.
Our Homes are One. wherever We
Abide;
We have Common Tongue which
both Neglect
I could Write more just like this nz
But this will be Sufficient. I Suspect,
When the Guests had Dried then
Tears after this Soulful Efusion, some
one proposed a Toast to the Memory
Of Tennyson, "Our Last Poet Laureat,
we Fear"
This toast was Drunk Heartily, stand
ing, and Mr.. Reid begged to Suggest
that. while it was not Exactly his Butt
In, they put the Laureateship under tho
Civil Service Rules and Compel the APP
plicants TO Pass Examination
The remainder of the Evening was
spent in Speeches by Hyphenated Has
called Who's He in EngIand?'' Each
of These Cried because the two Coun-
tries had to be Separated at all, and f
the Bubbie-Bottles had been Passed
Four more Times, the Atlantic would
have lost its Job.
That's all / Remember.
/ wouldn't have Said Anything about
having Been There if I hadn't seen how
the Reporters Butchered the Account
of the Banquet. I think the Public IS
Entitled TO a few Real Facts / am an
Earnest Advocate OF a Square Deal for
Every Man and Some Women.
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

vass, while the other made similar ar
rangements with the son of a near
reighbor of the farmer who boarded
him.
The patent clothes FOUNDER and
cleanser was made entirely of wood.
l. was constructed exactly as was the
old-fashionerd clothes FOUNDER Of our
grandmothers days. shaped hoop-skirt
fashion. In the center of the lower
part, a good-siZe hole was chiseIed out,
extending upward, about eight inches,
where small counter holes were bored,
intersecting the large one. so that when
the clothes were being pounded the hot
suds would Se forced by suction up
into the FOUNDER, and passing out
through the side holes, would, they
claimed, separate the dirt from the
c.othing and leave it perfectly clean-all
by the one process of pounding. instead
OF the old way Of first pounding and
then scrubbing.
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

Afft Is serving an indeterminate
X sentence on a morning news
- paper, and as a consequence gets
away on the home journey about
CLOCK q. m, says the Chicago Rec
ofd-Herald. That is a sort of ebb time
Tor everything in city. Among other
Things courage is lowest. and if there
IS bad man about town deviltry
comes easiest to him then
Barr lives at hotel in Cottage Grove
avenue somewhat beyond Thirty-first
and in the ebb time of night the street
car service is less than Mr. Dalrymple
would have it. The grip cars hibernate
and jolly horse car jingles down
through the echoing spaces about once
every half hour. So that Barr affects
the Indiana electric to Thirty-first
street, the crosstown line TO the avenue
and then walks. If no fight occurs he
can get home in forty minutes Now,
you know some of his troubles
Well, the other morning a big motor
man of duty was riding east In the
Twenty-sixth street car, and Barr over
heard him talking to the conductor
about "hold-up" that had just been
successfully pulled off at State street
and how the boss at the barn had men
toned that there was a thug on every
corner since the coppers went down
town"
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
Conc liz 0InsAS Series DepickIns
'H0W The [e,zEkezs no IT..


In the evening at home the young man
would have great deal to say about
how the farmers took to the clothes
FOUNDER. and what a fine money-making
business it was. The cenvasser had
taken pains to explain that each FOUNDER
sold for s.. though it cost only 50 cents
manufactured in quantities
Finally. the canvasser in the west part
of the county happened one night at
supper to mention that his firm had an
other agent in the east part Of the coun-
ty, who was stopping with Mr.. -.
Indeed" said the farmer that man
is my brother-in-law; his wife and my
wife here are sisters
The following Saturday evening each
canvasser announced TO his farmer that
he was going to the county seat to re-
port to his employer, and would return
Monday morning.
Knowing that the brothecs-in-law met
al the home of their wives parents
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

Toastmaster should have been in his
little Six-by-two Residence Thirteen
Years ago. Shouldn't you. Bobs? Ihere's s
Hen Irving, the Piay-Actor, who should
have Struggled UP to the Saturated
Cheese-Cloth Muzzle seven years Back
Artie Ball viii be ready for the Inno-
cent Inhalation IN three circuits Of the
Sun; Cony Doyle, who Sits on my Right
Hand chats why I'm not making any
Gestures), has Passed, by Six Years, the
Really Useful Period, and Is only Four
teen Seasons from the Slumbrous
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

Imported. Or Billy Osler. author of the
Chlo-oforn Cure. for SeniIity and other
Woaks. I'd like TO have him Called on
before the Evening Ends.
Deafening Applause made the Welkin
do the Customary Ring Performance
and Lord Roberts Hastened to call on
the -Baltimorean, who Arose and
Said:
81 am Famed TO see so many Here
tonight who, if my Theory were Com
piled With would be in their Respective
Portions of the Hereafter Our Worthy
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

as She's in Sight Send another Charley
Mitchell over { have Tunes Played on
his Slats-ah. Send EN- oyer. Send over
another Andy Carnegie filed with tn
Microbes Of Libraryitis and tn fear of
Perishing with Plethora of Plunks.
Let's get together. We need t do it, Fell
ers, t Watcf Eacn Other Neither one
of US Feels Safe when T'other ones out
o His Sight. There's a Reason.
And before l Set down L want TO So
that l see at this Table Dote a Fellow
Countryman Of Mine that's just been
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
A Patent Clothes Founder.

The scheme was worked as follows:
Two farmers, who were brothers-in-iaw,
were selected as dupes. One OF them
owned 100 acres of farm land, with a
new house and barn, and the other 120
acres, upon which were a comfortab BILE
house and barn. One lived west Of the
town and the other east.
One of the canvassers arranged with
one of these farmers for board, while
the other canvasser made his headnuar-
ters with the other farmer. Once set
tied, one of them negotiated with his
landlord for the services of his son and
4 horse and buggy with which 10 can
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

TT WAS only by Sprinting Hard for
a Boat at Southampton and for a
Train at New York that got Home
from the Whitelaw Reid banquet in
London in Time to get my Official Re
port in today's issue of The Washington
Times.
Cabling is very Expensive, and I have
no Frank.
But as most of the Real Facts were
either Suppressed or Garbled by the
Reporters who sat out in the Lobby
while 1 Ate AMI Drank with the English
and American Royalty, the Trust
worthy News of the Occasion is still
Fresh as Country Eggs were three
weeks Before you Bought them.
7 had had Considerable Trouble ar
ranging for a Costume for the Evening.
but had Solved the Difficulty, by going
Disguised as Gordon-Setter High
lander. I wore an old Bicycle Skirt of
my Wife's, Short Socks, and Nothing
Between. AS my Knees are not Mates,
this was Rather Embarrassing, but l
wasn't Noticed. About my Waist I
had hung a Discarded Hair-Switch for a
Sporran, and I carried a Rented Bag
Pipe under One Arm. That was the
Best part of my Disguise, as Everybody
was Afraid tofspeak Harshly to me for
fear I would Play.
As a Hoot-Man I fear 1 was Phony,
yet Got Away with it
But this is Mere Persif1awzhe.
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
for $4,000.

It mattsred little. however, whether
the FOUNDER did its work satisfactorily.
When calling at the home of a farmer
the canvasser would instruct the young
man accompanying him to remain in
the buggy while he went in and made
the canvass.
: While standing in the doorway, with
order book in hand, talking to the far
mer or his wife. he would say, in loud
voice: We'll, L am very much obliged
TO you. and 1 am sure that you will ind
our washer the finest thing you ever
used
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

See? It's Us stickin Together, or one of
us and Maybe Both will get it where
Tillie Had the TonsiIitis. Let's go right
On being Chuirry, Feliers. Keep sendin
the Noodles over there L Cop out III
Coils with tn Gold. Send another Whit
aker Wright over to be Ketched. Send
another Alabama-excuse Me. was go
ing back Little Furder'n this Goo-Goo
Spell Extends Let Tommy Upton come
over Every Season and get a Good Rear
View of some American Yacht as long
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
Kip Giggled at His Own Parody.

When the Pie had been Served and
Rud Kipling. who sat Next to me, was
Wiping his Knife on the Tablecloth, the
Toastmaster Arose. That's Bobs' Be
header said Kip, with a Giggle at his
Own Parody on his Own Poem.
The Toas astmaster was a little Brief
Briton with White Foliage. Mustache,
and Pen-Wiper.
He said:
..Gehentlemen: l Propowse. down't ye
know, a Towst t a Brice of tn Gimest
Guys wotever.. Is 'Ighness King He'd
ward, an Is Nibs Rowsevelt tof
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

nearly every Sunday, the canvassers had
it figured out that they would have a
chance to talk over the wonderful sue
cess of the clothes FOUNDER men.
In this they were correct, and on re-
turning for business Monday morning
each observed that their respective
farmers were mitch Interested, so mucn
so that they made inquiry as to the price
of county rights.
Each canvasser. of course. assumed to
know little about that, but IN an uncon-
cerned way referred his questioner to
Mr.. , at the - house. in tn
county seat, who owned the State o.
Ohio in the patent and who would give
them all necessary information.
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

You walked so darned fast 1 thought
1 wouldn't never ketch YOU 1 live
here. What YOU got your knife out
for?"
Tin trimming my nails" said Barr.
oh, Good night" said the fat motor
man
And he followed the intercepter up the
stairway
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

who owned but 100 acres would he
obliged to raise $1,000 for which he pro-
posed to give his individual note This
the old CRATER cooIly refused Deter
mircd to make the deal however. the
farmer arranged for the cash, through
his wife's father, who n1ortgaged his
farm.
These farmers, proud of their pur-
chase, and apparently under the i'm
preston that all their neighbors and
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

they themselves started out to sell
clothes Founders, as an experiment
before hiring agents
Their idea was to begin where the
grafters had left Of and they took
along the boys who mad driven for the
canvassers-
They discovered from the start that
when they offered their simple, foolish
looking piece Of wood. with a few holes
bored in il, for five dollars, the farmers
and their wives would fairly hoot at
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

peciany Russian, hin 'oos Hignominious
Defeat we are now Tyl1ing such Great
Joy. Th' syme might be Said of the
hothcr Gehentleman I mentioned hearl-
ier hin my Speech ] hask you, Gehen-
tlemen, to Drink long and Steadily to
TIL 'ealth of Is 'Ighness King Hedward
an Is Nibs Rowsevelr."
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

fataI. 1t would indicate an intoxica-
ton which he began to regret did not
exist
Then the fellow across the street start
ed 10 come over diagonally and almost
running. 1t was clear now. He would
Togoize Barr. intercept him, head him
off, and peri him in the trap which was
completed by tilat hurrying hold-up art
ist with the clicking heels, now closer
than ever behind.
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

them. 1t took less than two days to
convince them that they had been
literally swindled out of their farms
and cash.
On LIZ evening of the second day out
they met by arrangement in small
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

friends envied them their good luck
Immediately advertised a public auc-
ton of all their farm implements, stock.
etc. and announced that they would
tionS.
This plan they carried out, after which
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

gard the American Ambassador are
really, now-far Different, don't you
know, from What Anyone Suspects. 1t
is well known that it Required but Two
Sound Thrashings from America 10
Weld our Friendship. That we Escaped
a Third is due to the Fact that we didn't
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
Almost Too Easy.

On returning to the buggy he would
tell the young man how easy 1t was to
procure that order. and thus they would
continue all day taking orders at every
house, scarcely ever missing a single
one.
The Washington times., 1905-07-09

Peaceful Relytions now Hexisting, Hi
Congratulate this Hunted Khingdom on
th Friendly RelytionS hexisting between
'er an all Hotf1er Nytions, don't ye
know, hespecially Russian (open Sneers
from Rud Kipling at my Elbow, who
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
A Pathetically Inefficient POckerknife

q S1NI4NNIOS1IIJ I4EeIIIlIoIII Z OOf>eN Z.
The time for action had come The
intsfcepter was stepping up on the side
Wal X, ten PAGES ahead No hope in
fight, Barr quit breathing, and gath
cred himself to lunge at the first chal-
lenge.
Then his good fairy got busy. The
intercepter stepped into a stairway and
went noisily up-two steps at time.
But before the rebound of relief Barr
heard the voice of his pursuer.
Say"
Well, il was only one. and he might
as well have it over With. He turned
and slowed up.
Isn't this your overcoat2'
II was the big motorman. off duty
and he was carrying the light overcoat
that Earr had forgotten and left on the
TwenJy-siXJh street car.
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
An Alleged 10 be true :"
Account of WkRt Occurred :
at the Celebrated Function.
BY
NtI1ckla1ad M Gs22s1e211

Hamerica-better known as tn Sites.
We ave with hus this Hevenin' a
Bloouin' Strine-ger 'oose NyIne 1 ave
Jolly well Forgot, but 90, I ave been
Towld, 'ails from tn Sites. Hin is
Homer an hin Homer of tn Bloody
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
"I Hope You'll Be Pleased"

The fact that the farmers had become
interested gave the canYasserS oppor-
Sunity to tell what a fine money-making
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
1t Required Two Sound Thrashings.

Wh..n the Illuminatitns fla6 been Duly
Inspected through the Inverted Booze
Receptacles, and when Nv Reid had
given his Card to General Roberts. so
that his Name might not be Forgotten
any more that Evening, a Gentleman
named Bali arose. and said:
THE Sentiments with which we Re
The Washington times., 1905-07-09
When a Mems Couraee Is at Low Ebb

ARR is serving an indeterminate
sentence on a morning news
paper, and as a consequence gets
away on the home io,,rpa1, about
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1905-08-17

Miss Maggie Cowan, who with her
father have spent several weeks visiting
In the east, is reported to be quite sick
In hospital in Buffalo. They were
ready to start for home and expected to
be here Tuesday of this week, when she
was taken sick
0. K. Olson and Geo. Hammerbacher
left Tuesday morning overland for
their North Dakota farms where they
will attend to the threshing of this
years crops, and expect to do their seed
ing for their 1906 crop before returning
to visit Webster.
Buy farm i'm the corn belt of
South Dakota. Buy in Lyman
county. You can sell for double
what you pay, when the new
railroad is completed. We have
the best farms, nearest the new
towns. Liberal terms. Low
rates during August. Write us.
Egeland's Land Agency,
New York Life Building,
ST. Paul, Minnesota.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1905-08-17
Se1mser-Lancaster.

One of the prettiest weddings in this
city occurred yesterday at the home of
Mr.. and Mrs. Fl. A. Atkins, when their
daughter Lillian Lancaster was married
to John H. Selmser of WATERFOWL.
The bride wore dainty gown of
white seviss and carried a shower
boquet of white sweet peas, Miss Bessie
Lancaster maid of honor, was attired in
pink null, carrying pink sweet peas,
Rev. Curtiss assisted by Rev. Hardness
performed the ceremony, Miss johnson,
of Watertown played the Lohengin
wedding march and Mr.. Fetro sang
"Oh Promise Me-. Mrs. Gilbert
Peterson received, and the Misses Moore
Marsh and McKennett served.
The house was beautifully decorated.
the parlor in green and white. the altar
banked with green ferns, the back par
lor was yellow, and the dining room in
pink sweet peas. The happy couple
departed for the east last evening where
they will visit for few weeks before
going to their future home at Water
town. The out of town guests were
Mr.. and Mrs. Fred Smith and daughter.
Helen, Ma Rallou and Miss Eva John
son, all of " tertown.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1905-08-17
Our Rural Schools.

While in the office of the county sup
erintendent one day this week enjoying
social chat, he called our attention to
a matter that should be of the gravest
interest to the people in the community
in which these circumstances exist.
In looking over the reports for the
schools for the years just closed shows
that seventeen different schools have
less than eight pupils in the school for
a whole month az time, some of them
with three or pupils only. These seven
teen schools for total of forty months
had an enrolment of one hundred ten;
and that the total cost to the districts
for wages alone has been 81 $50. This
means Sl4 per month per child for tut
ton, without counting the absence Of
one of them. Some of them show an
absence of one-half of them. One
shows an attendance of two pupils
only.
There is absolutely no economy in
this The pupils cannot have the bene.
fits OF the best teachers nor the inspira.
ton and help of members. Two or
three or few more pupils in a school
room are not sufficient to make the
work interesting for either pupil or
teacher. The wasted hours tell against
them.
Wherever convenient arrangements
can be made for conveying children to
some good school they should be made.
Some school where the best teachers
are employed and where the pupils will
receive the benefits of the hours that
are spent in the school room. In case
small tuition has to be paid there is
certainly economy in this when one
stops to consider the price that has been
paid in the above mentioned cases, and
also considers that the pupils are receiv-
ing instruction from teachers who are
most capable of shaping the young
mind.
The superintendent says that he is
vely sure that this can be arranged at a
very low expense, at least very prof.
table figuring from the basis of the cost
OF the above mentioned schools, and is
very hopeful that the parents will give
this matter no light thought.