The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-01-04
PILGRIM JOE.
Adventure Attends Him in His PHI
grimage.

When I entered the town Of Moth
ing Here, which I may state IS an en-
terprisin' burg of 600 inhabitants ana
lOokin' forwards to a sure and steady
growth, I had wronged no man door
In the day, and my conscience was
soothin' me like a porous plaster on
q lame SPOT. I had spoken words OF
cheer and comfort to dozens Of peo-
pie and in several instances had d.
vided my profit on sales of my Pill
grim Pain Alleviator with purchasers.
There was an oily calm quietly steal
In over me like 'lasseS flown across
q kitchen floor, and I couldn't help
but say to myself that 1 had drawn
one and filed a flush.
ask pardon for digressin' here for
a mint to call more particular atten-
ton to my AlleviatOr. 1t has now
been before the public for over ten
cure a case of anything except broken
bones 1 haven't heard of it. 1t not
only alleviates pains of the body but
It raises the speerits and produces a
reckless feelin' that leads the despon-
dent on to future triumphs- Men ana
women who had thoroughly made up
their minds that life held nothing
more for them and that they would
be better off in Halifax have rallied
and undergone a complete change OF
opinion after three doses. 1t mas
braced UP the weary, eheered the as
consulate, heartened the despalrlng
over wickedness. and all for the low
price of rs cents a bottle Had Ma
pcleon had a few thousand bottles at
Waterloo there would have been
something doing; had the thousands
who took carbolic acid or hung them
selves with clotheslines last year had
only two doses apiece the population
of America would be up to its normal
figure. Don't keep house without it.
You can get along somehow without
a poodle dog or a pile-driver, but my
Alleviator should allus be under your
pillar. When you find druggist
who don't keep it you can set him
down as human hyena; when
druggist wants to sell you something
s'just as good don't hesitate to draw
on him and open fire.
I had skassly comfortably enscOnced
myself at the leadin' hotel in the town
spoken of when leadin' citizen came
forwards to purchase a bottle OF my
AneviatOr for his speerits. He had
lost a Jackpot that afternoon of the
value of $50 while playin' poker with
the mayor, and as him family had
thereby been redoOced to want and his
ambition had received a black eye, he
did the correct thing in turnin' to me
While he had no money to pay for
his purchase, I bid him take it along
and reQuite me when he could He
left me with a song in his heart and
hope strugglin' anew in his bosom, /
and the next thing heard of him he
was dead. His lfeless body was
found in the alley in rear of the hotel,
and a score of indignant citizens wait
ed on me with noosed rope and de-
manded my blood. While I am cool
and calm under all circumstances, L
must admit that they gave me a bad
half hour. was ANONYMOUSLY
dragged downstairs and out upon the
public square. and the rope itched to
embrace my innocent neck and gather
me to my fathers
It was an innocent youth who saved
e-ftr 10 4.
see me hung. as is only natural with |
youth and hilarity, but he had to tell |
the truth with his little Ratchet just
the same. In moseying around the al |
ley he found a mule hitched to a post |
andssthe mule tried to- make his .par-i
ents childless by kicking out with |
both heels at once. The inference was
that the supposed victim of my Al !
leviator had passed too near the heels |
of the animal and been laid away to
rest fOrevermore, and a little investi-
CATION discovered the broken ribs to
prove it I was of course at once .ac-.l
quilted. There was few among the
crowd who insisted that I ought to be
hanged for something else. and who
turned away discouraged when the
verdict was announced, but such crit
tiers are allus to be met with and are
justly frOWned down by good society,"
That might the better appreciate nv
narrer escape from the fangs of the
grim monster I was rid around town
on rail and had few ripe eggs
Thrown my way, but I did my best to
enjoy the hilarity Of the occasion and
made no further enemies. got even
next morning by entering my old boss
IN a race which he easily won to nv
profit, and by matchin' my fightin' dog
again a cur that was licked in four
minits by the watch and ran howlin'
away I also withdrew my AIleviator
from sale, and when I driv away the
population was wonderin' whether
they had better get up a baseball
game or hang themselves.
The town of Later On also held an
adventure for me. Later on it is goin'
TO be a second Chicago, but it viii be