davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Arizona republican., 1905-12-01

which we are celebrating today is no invention of modern ingenuity. It is hoary with age and laden with dis tinction. So far as we know it is of patriarchal origin, reaching back per haps to Paradise. But we are indebt ed to the fertile mind of Moses for the first elaborate historical develop ment of the subject. In the beautiful feat of the tabernacles the Hebrews were wont to express their Thanks giving to God after the ingathering of the harvest. The gross Saturnalia of the Romans and the licentious Kronia of the Greeks were a sensual barbaric recognition of the same principle. The harvest home of England has from time immemorial been the merriest day of all the year. In this hemisphere the Pilgrim fathers celebrated day of Thanksgiving in order to emphasize their gratitude for happy and timely escape from the tyranny of Anglican ecclesiasticism. It became recogniZ
 ed holiday in New England supersed- ing even Christmas as the great fam fly festival and other parts of the country have gradually adopted it."
 Having described the manner in which the day acquired it's national character, MT. Maclean continued: Tt is with profound gratitude and ill-con- cealed pride that every American cit izen acknowledges his identity with the magnificent republic over which the stars and stripes wave. We are thrilled into eXultationS as we cOntem- plate the status and possibilities of this stupendous Anglo-Saxon democ- racy; the untold resources of her con tinental territory; the swell of her my riad population; the admirable boise of her governmental system; her we'll known capacity for assimilating eX-
 traneous bloods; the masterful genius of her people in transmitting every foreign substance into elements sub | servient to American civilization, command our unqualified attachment"
 Having dwelt at length upon com parative study Of the conditions O. this
 country with those abroad, MT. Mac
 lean concluded: The leaven of Chris | tianity is in the meal of our destiny.
 The excellent features that character
 ize our civilization are the prolific progeny of Christianity. Christianity
 as a brilliant lawyer puts it, is the
 soul of civilization. We have a lcgit-
 innate right to expect the regeneration
 of society. in the process of evolution
 we may look for situations approXi-
 mately ideal, for as humanity develops
 during the unfolding years, Christ will accommodate himself to us in propor- ! tion to our receptivity. The golden
 age of human history is ahead. The
 world will never see a darker day than
 this. Christ shall reign until all enc
 mics are put under his feet. There
 fore in holy optimism we exult in the sweep of the everlasting gospel and as Paul found it to be the dynamite of | God in Corinth. Ephesus and Rome,
 so will the gospel ride prosperously
 and triumpnantly over all coming civ
 ilizations whatsoever until the king
 dom of our Lord and of his Christ and | righteousness shall cover the whole
 round earth as the waters cover the great deep"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-06-04

seemed to battle all efforts to identify him Finally
the coroners face lit up and he said with show
of feeling:
The poor unfortunate from Camden, New Jersey.
How do you know" asked one of the jurymen with
puzzled air
Because, continued the he has collar but
tons in his cuffs"
who was being measured for pair of trousers by
Kentucky tailor:
Tailor How many hip pockets?"
Patron 1.-TWO"
Tailor: Pints quarts?"
Although this bit is forgotten, such truck as
when is door not a door? When it's jar"
and why St. Paul like horse? Because he
fond of Timothy" still keep the world
bowling with laughter.
H. c. Bunner of the quickest of men
when joke wanted at short notice. One day
when we were starting out to lunch, the foreman
appeared with picture and said he awaiting
a caption for it that he might close FORM
All right" said Bunner hand it out"
So he took the picture and held it against the
wall, and with pencil in his goved hand dashed
off the following:
Murel: Are you acquainted with Count Nochink-
sky1"
Herbert: "No, shave myself"
Ten or fifteen years later saw the same joke word
for word in New-York newspaper. | forgot to
say that when Bunner had finished the caption
he read it aloud, to make that it was all right
and remarked: 'Some simian out in Oshkosh
will read that and think it's funny"
Sometimes ideas will come to a builder of Jokes
swiftly as the balls from Roman. candle
And at other times the mind refuses to respond
l once received an order from the editor of g Har-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-06-04

the poorest live and go right on living,
while others that should be perennial on the
strength of their merit die before they have attained
the distinction of mk-teeth. There is no age limit
joke there is working for
corporation.
Many people are curious to know just how jokes
are thought out ..nd written. There are various
while walking q about to say miles) up and
down the edge Of a rug. Others read the papers
whose news suggests ideas to them. Still others
carry notebooks and jot down the things that
to them the street during conversations.
The late Philip WEIGH, the author of The Tailor
made Girl told me that he could write mar
ketable jokes as long the country full of
baseball summer girls and politics. One of his
best bits, suggested by seeing classic bust,
Gladys: "Mr Tmlon paid a very handsome COM
pliment last night"
Maud: What it,"
Gladys: He said l had just like the Venus of
Meos."
This reminds me of Willie Henderson's observation
which printed afterward in Puck" 1t grew
out of conversation ancnt the Venus of Medici
How is this?" he asked:
THE VENUS DE MEDIcINE-Lydia Pinkham
Another of these one-line or definition Jokes
which appeared in 'Puck" was thought out by
Bunner Opper and myself, follows:
SIDE IssUE-Eve.
Though it printed in the early Sos it is still
alive | received it the editor of g Judge" not
more than six months ago.
A coroner's inquest is not promising subject
for a comic dialogue of even a few lines, but WEIGH
could and did construct a good one, and in an
inofensive and charming The subject of
the inquest had been taken from the river and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-06-04
By r. TX. Mumkittrick


casino picture, and was asked to make the cap
ton equal to the picture in point of delicacy and
refinement 1t what is technically known as a
'he-and-she" picture. The young man and the
girl sitting at table slipping sherrv-cobbers
through straws, and | ordered not to make
the caption turn on drinking l had twenty-four
hours in which to write and deliver it. But the
more looked upon the picture the more dazed and
puzzled | became | pranced up and down my
den and tore my hair what little l had at the
time; but all to no purpose. feared that l should
have to give it up bad job. But as l was
doing the whole thing to like flash.
This was the joke
Ethel. Would you be willing to marry five thous-
and a year?
Harry Yes, if could find girl with that income"
Another bit that simply occurred to day
when l saw a dachshund swimming at the sea-
shore something like this when it appeared:
Mike: THAT dog do have short legs don't he?"
Pat: "Yis, they do be short that he can't touch
bottom till he gets up the shore.
At the PUCK" office we had book containing
pictures of every kind and description To these
pictures wrote poems to fill up odd spaces in
the paper. The poems called 'tifteen-ninute
things they written in that length of time
They would rattle along something like this:
Oh this is the maiden met the boat
The rosebud envied, that bloomed at her throat;
Her optics were blue, and her ribbons green;
She kicked for her bread a sewing-rnachine,
And made my brain whrl till heaved up sigh,
When she like phantom of grace futtered by.
AS said before there should be age limit
good joke, matter when where or how it is
thought and constructed But poor jokes should be
relegated to the actors home, that they might be
with their old friends. Bad jokes, like bad people,
to live and on, while they hurl defiance in
the teeth of time.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-06-04

of that issabul Gale Allen that's done this turribe
deed and fetch him to the ring-bolt with good
round turn. He ought to be strung up higher'n
Hannah"
The way those Endorsed that would have
done good to the souls of Populist convention
The first selectman in just then, and they
all lit him.
"Al1 is" said Mis- Bangs eff you men folks don't
stir your stumps almighty sudden the of
this town will take it up, and there1l be billn-
water bee that will take skin and bristles off
hog in this town."
The selectman who had just bought a new sleigh
off Gale, with crown and crossed gavels painted
it a delicate compliment, tried to say some
thing about the eccentricities of genius but the
women flew at him like setting hens at barn rat.
Gents he said, turning to fol- with
sigh q guess the vote of the meetn is in favor of
what you might call an official investigation.
l will lead the way to genius's house,
and all those minded may foller me-
The selectman had to fairly drive back
sGs two of the women to stay and take of
he wilder, for fear she might try to jump
IM off her mind-sled you might say, and get
into trouble. 1t certainly was about the
4S most popular excursion that was ever
|a ganized in the town of Carmel Everyone
- wanted to go along.
1t being official party, headed by
law and authority, didn't stop to
knock at Gales house. but trudged straight
I in the heels of the selectman like ducks
1 following leader.
"A Gale sitting on his bed too. l have
an idea that he was the most surprised
ESSs8 that ever held evening reception
in town. But you couldn't judge of his
1T e: :: :: :s !.: ::; ;s;: : III
looking-it was mussed up too much. 1
guess that between the whops he got around
the tree and the sharp edges of the crust and
the attentions the Sprague boy paid to him
the way to rescue the wilder Gale had been
finding life for the last hour melancholy and
fororn as the poet says.
The selectman took his place at the foot of
Continued on Page I3)
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-06-04
SUNDAY MAGAZINE for JUNE 4, 1905

said the constable "but it seems to it's longer
hill that amt got any bottom
"And trees it thicker'n spines quill-pig
to jedge by her remarks, said another man.
eff any of yes got the sperit of louse" yelled
Mis- Liza Bangs, you'll march boots to the house
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-06-04

NNE of the most remarkable things con-
nected with jokes is the fact that many of
the poorest live and 90 right on living,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-06-04

pers Bazaar" to supply caption for Newport
casino picture, and was asked to make the cap
ton equal to the picture in point of delicacy and
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
0GDEN'S PARTY HAS
ABANDONED ITS TRIP
Continued from First Page.l J

-Nat the collision was due to the error
Of the engineer OF the switch engine.
The special train bearing the Ogden
party was forty minutes late. The
switching crew supposed The special
had passed. Failing to make inquiries
IT had backed the engine upon the main
line just in time TO be struck by the
special.
The latest adv.ees received hy tie
railway officials are that none of the
cars were burned. The tireenYi1ie fire de-
partment was called out immediately
after the collisiC:, and kept guard ovea.
the train, extinsuisiiing any blaze that
sfScvVed~ Itself 1----..----Hs
II is further announced that a speci3i
train containing the party left Green
Vile at g o'elock last night fer New
York. DR.. aGa Mrs. H w FarnuDl,
the most seriously Is.s-Eea of the party,
remained behind. They viii be cared
for by SIr. and Mrs Macey. who were
members. of the party, but who escaped
uninjured.
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
Underwriters Attack
PIanked ShQd Dinner
Their Annual Reunion, Held at Marshall Hall,
Marked by Feasting, Contests, and a Flow
of WIt-present for Dr. Young

secretary of the board. with a fishing
rod in the board behalf DIR. Young re-
piled with clever speech Of thanks.
''Uncle Sam Cross was then called
on for a rendition of the only song
whcih the members of the board sup
posed he knew, THE Sword OF Bunker
Hin."
Uncle Sam started to sing, and oycr
the faces of his listeners spread a look
Of amazement. Uncle Sam was not sing
Ing his familiar air. but gave another
instead. At its conclusion Uncle Sam
tried to regain his seat, but was com
PEELED TO yield to the demands OF the
listeners for Bunker Hill" Every one
Joined IN the chorus.
Prizes were then awarded to the WIN
ners of the different races, and after a
song by Arthur Porter. and a brief
address by W. J. Donnaly, of Baltimore.
the members OF the board returned to
the lawn, where a boxing match between
two negroes was watched until the third
whistle of the steamer announced that
1t would wait no longer for its passen-
gers.
On the return trip the orchestra on
the boat played popular airs. and the
underwriters sang popular ballads until
the boat reached Washington.
The program of events for the gather
ing contained clever cartoons of Walter
A, Brown, H X Simpson: Henry Wells.
DR.. George Young, Samuel Cross. and
other prominent underwriters
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
INFANTS BODY SHOWS
EVIDENCES OF MURDER

AS George p. Patterson was crossing
a lot on O street, between Half and
South Capitol streets southeast yester-
day afternoon he found d suspicious
looking bundle at the base of an old
sfaekestack. and upon opening it dis
covered that il contained the body Of
a dead infant. 1t was taken to the
Fifth precinct station and later sent
10 the norgue.
There were evidences tending to in
dictate that the child had been murdered
b. some one. for whom the police are
looking. Bones in the little body were
broken, and there We're splotches of
blood on its face and throat, Finger
marks were also found on the neck
The k ody was SO badly nangIed and
discol Jred because of having been ex-
posed to the elements, possibly for sew
eral days, that the police were unable
to tell whether Ii was white or colored.
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
Extra Cost an Objection.
EARTHQUAKE SHAKES
PART OF SWITZERLAND

GENEVA, April 29.-An. .eSaarth4 quake
was felt throughout a greaH portion Of
Switzerland and southern France be-
tween and 8 o'clock this morning. a
series Of severe shocks was felt and
slight damage wrought to property in
Geneva and Cilamourlix, France, and q
Eumber of towus in the Canton of
Vaiais, In the upper yailey Of the
RhOne. -
No casualties have been reported
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
AUCTION SALES.
AUCTION SALE

AUCTION SALE
OF THREE CARLOADS OF HORSES AND
MJLES--On MONDAY. MAY l. 1865 al 10
O'CLOCK =. NJ, will sell at our Auc-
ton Stables the following horses: one
Md. ane load consigned by A McHenrv af
Frederick. aid ane lead consigned By WIN
MeHenry, Of fiagerstoWn, Md. These are a
good lot Of draft and driving horses and
worthy the attention OF prospective buyers
ARLINGTON HORSE co,
azs3 and S2SS Il St NV, Washington, ID. G.
ap2s-2t
The Washington times., 1905-04-30

Seated, 500 strong, around five heavily
laden tables, alternately applauding
some witty quip and making determined
onslaughts on steaming pieces of plank
ed shad, members of the board of fire
underwriters of the District of Column
bia met at Marshall Hall yesterday af-
ternoon.
From . o'clock in. the afternoon. when
they landed, until In the evening. when
the warning whistle of the boat an
nounced that it was time to return, the
party passed the time without a dull
moment.
After landing. and posing for pho
tograph the crowd made Its way to the
center OF the grounds. where a series Of
races had been arranged Five men
whose names are wen-known in the bus
mess circles os Washington. peeled off
their coats. and engaged in potato
race" In an exciting finish L. A. Jones
beat s. W. Steers for first place by one
potato, and in due course of tiEae re-
ceived pair OF jet black suspenders as
q reward for his skill.
Won the Egg Race.
F. p Sweeney won the egg race.
which consisted OF picking up six eggs
to a certain bucket and depositing them
therein without cracking shell.
a sack race, in which two of the four
starters fell. and were allowed TO grovea
in the dust for several minutes before
one Of the judges grew meFciful and
united the bags In which they We're
fastened. was won by J. w. Brawner,
who was later presented with f,alf a
dozen coat racks.
A pie eating contest engaged in by
five colored men. and a boxing match
between the same parties followed. and
then a bell announced that supper was
ready.
No second call was needed. and the
members aled into the banquet room
and were served with clam ehowder.
shad roe, planked shad. cold ham, rad
ishes. onions, lettuce, mashed potatoes.
crackers, cheese; coffee tea. wine. sau-
terne. and cigars.
Macfariand Guest of Honor.
The dinner over, President Brown rose.
and after making speech of welcome
in which he eoinplimented TIE various
committees, introduced the guest of
honor. Commissioner Henry B. F. Mac
farland. Mr.. Macfarland Immediately
jumped to his feet, climbed TO his chair
and oI1ened his speech with a poem
alleged TO have been written by Colonel
Biddle.
Colonel Biddle,n = said the Commission
er, Intended TO attend this dinner. but
was prevented from so doing by import
ant business. Had he been here he
would have recited this poem so I'm GO
ing 10 do it fer him
sadie Rodenskie. Quaker by birth,
Tired OF living. wished 10 leave earth.
swallowed a tape measure. hoping to die
By inches
She was unfortunate. Found il too hard,
SO she went outside, and died by the
yard
s After speaking in a humorous vein for
"a time Commissioner Macfarland urged
the board to work in unison with him.
THAT way.' said he. we can get al
most anything we want. Help each
other. and we shall in a short time have
the most beautiful capital in the whole
world
Fishing Rod FOR Young.
George O'Conner sang two coon
songs much TO the enjoyment Of the
board. and was followed by H X Simp-
son. who told stories in an interesting
way, ending by presenting DR.. Young,
The Washington times., 1905-04-30

WILL THE persons who witnessed acei-
dent to lady alighting from train III
APRIL y. please communicate with
p. o. BOX 141. CITY? ap2a-3t
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
VIRGINIA RESORTS.
MARYLAND RESORTS.

FOR RENT-North Chesapeake Beach, com
pietely furnished cottage, fronting bay:
large. shady yard. porches. artesian water:
fine beach. ROOM g. sos z St NV. APPS st
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
of the condition of the
Westchester Fire Insurance
Company

=
Of New York. y. Y. on the 3lst day of
December 1905. as required under Dis
tFiet OF Columbia Code, amended June
80. 1852
Capital stock. k....,.......,........ $500, ,oo0. 90
1apitai STOCK paid up, IN cash &c., 60
ASSETS.
Cash in Office ce-.-............. 81 435 29
Cash IN bank. nk.................... 81, 526. %
HeaI estate. .-.-...--.-.-,-- 56.9Z6.17
Eonds and mortgages first
lien on real estate} ........... 223 90 90
Stocks and bonds (market
yaluel ,...----,; 2.s5l. .65O0
Premiums uncoiIectes: and In
hands of nts.............,.. $50. .l01 .02
interest due and accruedr.,,,., y, 5s2, %
Total assets...,,............. 1856. All ii
LIABILITIES
Net unpaid claims. .......,...... $l53, ,3i9 10
Reserve as required by law. l. : 81, ,G33. II
Reinsurance and return pre-
miums .--...........-.........,. Is. 4s9 80
Salaries, rents. expenses,
taxes. etc...........,.......-... l4.03I24
Capital stock ,--..--.--... go, COO 90
ALI other liabilities: Once
furniture ...,............ l4.7oo. 90
surDlus over all 1iahilities..sI ,asa, ,aa4.ls
Total liabilities. es.............. }. .636, Al. A
Amount and character of busi-
ness transacted during the
year 1864; Fire and tornado
Insurance -. -. :. 2028 90. 81
year 1891 -. l.292, go 10
year 1904 2,21l ZIG. al
Expended duTing the year 1894, All 205 e.
GEO. y. CRAWFORD, President,
NJ. o. BROWN, Secretary.
Subscribed and swoTn TO before me
this 2Sth day Of March, 1905.
(SeaD OTTO +. FIGGE.
Notary Public. Kings county.
Certificate filed In New York county.
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
Floral Tributes.

graceful, original and unusually -beauti-
ful l2i4 F.
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
SPRING RESORTS

The Washington Times advertising representative Atlantic City
John g. Benson general the Advertising Copany
Bartlett building North Carolina and Atlantic avenues All advertise
mtS will be accepted the rates home office of The
Washington Times Catalogues and Booklets application Bu
Office of the Washington Times.
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
TAT To DECIDE
WIDTH Of GAUGE
Shall Philippine Tracks Be
Narrow or Standard.
ARGUMENTS ON EACH SIDE
Secretary May Have Important An
nouncement to Make Early
in Week.

Early in the coming week Secretary
Taft expects to have some announce
ment to make in connection with the
Philippine railway matters.
After great deal of labor and con-
sultation with insuiar bureau officials
the prospectus has about been com
pleted, but will not be announced until
the Secretary receives from Governor
General Wright the approval of the
plan. Should there be any suggestions
from Manila which are not Incorporated
In the prospectus already prepared, Sec
fetary Taft will of course consider them
at length, But the Secretary's own ex-
tended experience in the archipelago
makes it improbable there. Will be any
change In the specifications already pre-
pared after much work.
Delano Pays a Call.
Mr.. Delano, who is assisting Judge
Taft in the matter. was in consultation
again with him yesterday. and William
Nelson Cromwell, who came In on some
other business, showed his interest in
the project.
The great problem now awaiting de-
efsion is the width of gauge to be adopt
ed as the future standard for the Phil
ippine Islands, The 200 miles of rail-
road already in operation is of mar
row gauge type, not the American mar
row gauge, but width Of about three
and one-half feet
Extra Cost an Objection.
The only objection TO having Ameri-
can standard gauge is the extra cost of
construction. especially in mountainous
country. The regular foot inch track
would cost at least 81, 900 a mile more
than the Philippine narrow gauge. and
this Is a factor of no small Importance,
especially Is the American Government
is 10 guarantee fixed return on the in
yeStment
Secretary Taft's decision, therefore.
system of railways at the least cost to
the Government, and OF tie same gauge
as the existing railroads. or Of authof-
lzing a standard gauge as the best for
future conditions Of development,
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
ATLANTIC CITY HOTELS.
THE ALBEMARLE

feet OF sun parIors and porcfes flrsbasfTs
frequent social features. Superior table aud
service. Special spring terms S. SO sf2 "a
sla weekly; - up daily. Number of desfF-
able steam heated rooms at the s. rate dur
ing May and June Booklet. J. p COPR
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
SPECIAL NOTICES.

THE INDEPENDENT ORDER OF
over 225, 0G0 members Has never chang
ed terms of contracts or policies with
members. An excellent court In Wash
ington. For further information ad-
dress j. WILLIS, 1902 Tenth street NV.
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
DIED.

MURPHY-on Saturday. April 20. 1865. at
80 a m, at his residence. $50 Penrlsy fvanis
avenue, JOHN \. beloved son of the late
John ana Mary Murphy. 1t
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
HOTEL RALEIGH

Ocean ana st. Charles Place. fCapaeitv a
a Hotel that offers everything hfgh-eIass ana
modern, with superior cuisine. Elevator. pr,-
gate baths, large porches, with ocean view
trains Booklet mailed. c. sHINN.
The Washington times., 1905-04-30

SUGGESTIVE THERAPEUTICS.
A graduate Of DR. Sahler Sanitarium,
Kingston on Hudson, desires to treat
patients by suggestion" Endorsed by
some Of the finest pf1ystciaf1s. Address
S. T., this office. ap29-2t
The Washington times., 1905-04-30
SPENc GER nALL

MARYLAND eve. and Beach. near steel ufer
Best moderate priced hotel; $40. sI2 SIS week
ly All rooms have open view. Booklet.