West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1905-09-07
lmagineS that Something Has Broke
Loose In Preston as The Ring is
Not Running as Smoothly
As II Should.
Is HAVING A SWELL TINE ATTEND
ING STAG PARTIES AND
SOCIAL FUNCTIONS,
Gov. Dawson Writes That he Will
Not Return to Ameriea-Bro.
Reed Sends Warm Letter Of
Repentance for His op-
position to New
Tax Laws.

What has broke loose back in
Preston. am receiving scores of
letters each day from the faithful
asking that Gov. Dawson or myself
come to Preston on the first train.
They tell me that the enemy have
opened fire on the Ring and the
Machine and they are shelling them
from all four corners of the globe.
What has the Ring and the Ma
chine been doing to deserve such
treatment at the hands of the peo-
pie For thirty long years we
have been their guardian angel. II
is true that we were compelled TO
devour all the pies to keep life in
us, but think of the blessings and
the prosperity we have brought the
people with our new tax laws.
Within the next few years our tax
laws will be running smoothly that
the farmers will not have to pay one
cent of taxes. We have a contract
with the Standard Oil Company,
the Gas Trust, the Coal Companies
and the old maids AMI bachelors TO
pay all the taxes in the State of
West Virginia after the year 1909.
Could the people back in Preston
ask for anything better
am still whacking away as lem
poTary Governor. ON about
played cut attending stag parties.
am not the colt / WAS when soldier
ing with comrades Major Orr and
Leader Shaw and the rest of the
boys. But the thing that brings
the sweat out on my brow is the
social functions which | have to- at.
tend aud are always presided over
by the fair damsels. The feast they
set before me and the wines they
furnish for the toasts is something
that makes you feel the next morn
ing that you had been on sea voy-
age. 1t is altogether a different
feeling to plain diet of corndodg
eTs and butieTmik which was my
daily menu when was back in Pres
ton. The only consolation 1 have
is that it Is putting me in good con-
dition for an increase in my pen
sion.
The prospects are that Gov. Daw-
son will never return to America,
the land Of the Machine and the
home of the GRAFT So it can
be safely said that am the real
Governor and must put on the
mitts with the insurgents for twenty
round limit As Leader Shaw
would remark, have smelt too
much powder and listened to the
whir of the bullets while lying be-
hind the log heap to scare at the
challenge Of the insurgents. have
selected Senator Steve Elkins as my
second and for the present / will re
fuse all invitations TO the stag par
ties and social functions. must
husband my wind and get up plenty
Of steam in order to ram the insur-
gents.
Here is the last letter received
from Gov. Dawson and it speaks
for itself.
"The contents Of your last letter
was very discouraging to me. II
appears though absent ! am not for.
gotten. The deeds that men do
they say live after them. / have
done so many kindly deeds in my
life time that suppose will live
in memory Of man until the pic be
comes extinct. This is indeed a
comfort to rue in my fer of home,
isolated as / am from my pies and
my tax laws. cannot hold the
tears back as / think Of the sacri.
fees / have made for them. Other
men in West Virginia have achieved
greatness in love and war, but I am
the only man who developed into a
full hedged cock robin in the science
OF pies and tax laws. / am unique
character in this respect. When ]
take my flight to that land from
whence no piemsn returns, all ] ask
is that this part Of my obituary be
written by Leader Shaw. No one
knows my motives better than he.
Others may guess, but he knows
He knows how dearly / have hug
ged the pies and the tax laws to my
bosom when they we're fuendles,
and homeless. He, too, on many
occasion has preferred his service tc
relieve me Of my heavy load.
shall never forget him, for his al