The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-01-01

The white man looks at Henry
HOrsecolIaF and hesitates.
" 'Injun,' says Henry; tame Injun.
" Mellinger.' says the man-'itemer
i. Mellinger. Boys. you're confisca ted.
You're babes in the wood without a
chaperon or referee, and it's my duty
to start you going III knock out the
props and launch you proper i'm the
pellucid waters of SOre-tOe- kangaroo
You'n have to be christened, and IL
you'll come with me I'll break a bot
tie of Wine across your bows, according
TO Hoyle.'
''WeH. for two days Homer p Mel
linger did the hOnOTs. That man cut
ice in Sore-tOe-kangaroO He was it,
He was the Royal Kafoozlum- IF me-
and Henry was babes in the wood, ne
was a Robin Redbreast from the top
most bough. Him and me and Henry
HOrsecOllar locked arms and tOted that
photograph around and had wassai
and diversion There was vine tinto
and vino blanco to drink with every
tune. The abOrigines had requirements
of pleasant thing in the way of
drinks that gums itself TO the recollec-
ton They chop off the end of a green
cocoanut and pour in on the liquor of
it French brandy and gin. We had
them and other things
Mine and Henry's money was
counterfeit Everything was on Homer
p. Melllnger. That man could find rolls
of bills in his clothes where Hermann
the Wizard couldn't have conjured out
an Omelette- He could have founded
universities and had enough left to buy
the colored vote of his country Henry
and me wondered what his graft was.
One evening he told us.
Boys said he, I've deceived you.
Instead of a painted butterfly, I'm the
hardest worked man in this country.
Ten years ago I landed on its shores
and two years ago on the point of its
jaw. Yes. 1 reckon can get the de-
cision over this ginger cake common
wealth al the end of any round 1
choose. III conhde in you because you
are my countrymen and guests, even
II you nave committed an assault upon
my adopted shores with the worst syS-
tenn Of noises ever set to music
" My job is private secretary to the
president of this republic, and my
duties are running it. I'm not head
in the salad dressing. There isn't a
law goes before congress, there isn't a
concession granted, there isn't an i'm
port duty levied, but what II. p. Mel
linger he cooks and seasons it. In the
front office L fill the presidents ink
stand and search visiting statesmen
for dynamite; in the back room die
tate the policy of the government.
You'd never guess how 1 got the pull.
It's the only graft of its kind in the
world. I'll put you wise. You remem-
Der the topliner in the old copy books
Honesty is the best policy" That's
it. I'm the only honest man in this
republic. The government knows it;
the people know it; the boodlers know
it; the foreign investors know it. /
make the government keep its faith.
If a man is promised a job ne gets II
If outside capital buys a concession
they get the goods. / run a monopoly
of square dealing here. There's no
competition. If Colonel Diogenes were
to flash his lantern in this precinct
he'd have my address inside of two
minutes. There isn't big money in it,
but it's a sure thing, and let's man
sleep of nights
Thus Homer P. MeIIinger made
Grafton 20 me and Henry HOrsecollar
! in Sore-toe-kangaroo. And later he
Invested himself of this remark:
g Boys, I'm to hold a soiree this
evening with a gang of leading citizens.
and I want your assistance You bring
the musical corn shelter and give the
affair the outside appearance Of d
function. There's important business on
| hand. but it mustn't show. 1 can talk
| TO you people I've been panied for
years on account of not having any
body to blow off and brag to- I get
| homesick sometimes, and I'd swap the
| entire perquisites of Office for Just one
| hour to have a stein apd an caviare
sandwich somewhere on Thirty-fourth
street, and stand and watch the street
! cars go by. and smell the peanut
| rooster at old GiuSeppe'S fruit stand
Yes said I. there's fine caviare at
/ Billy Renfrow's cafe, corner of Thirty
| fourth and"
"'God knows it, interrupts MelIin-
! ger, and if you'd told me you knew
/ Billy RenfrOw I'd have invented tons
| of ways OF making YOU happy. Billy
was my side kicker in New York That
| is man who never knew what
| crooked was. Here l am working Hon
| esty for a graft, but that man loses
| money on it. Carrambos, l get sick
I 80
/ rotten. From the executive down to
! the coffee pickers. they're plotting to
! down each other and skin their friends.
/ IF a mule driver takes off his hat to
an official. that man figures il out that
| he's a popular idol. and sets his pegs
/ to stir up a revolution and upset the
! administration. It's one of my little
! chores as private secretary to smell
! out these revolutions and affix the XII
/ bOsh before they break out and scratch
! the paint off the government. property.
/ That's why I'm down here now in this
] widowed coast town. The governor of
| the district and his crew are plotting
| to uprise- I've got every one of their
! names. and they're invited 10 listen to
/ the phOnOgTaph tonight compliments
/ of H P NJ That's the way I'll get
| them in bunch. and things are on the
programme to happen to them
I'VE three were sitting at table in
! the cantina Of the Purified Saints.
| WAS
/ looking some worried; I was thinking.
! " They're a sharp crowd he SAYS,
| KIND of fretful. They're capitalized
/ 10y a foreign syndicate after rubber
| and they're loaded to the muzzle for
! bTibing. I'm sick. goes on MeIlinger,
! 'Cf comic opera. / want to smell East
river and wear suspenders again. At
| tunes / feel like throwing up my job
| but I'm d-n fool enough 70 be sort Of
( proud of it, There's Mellinger," they
say here, "Por Dios, you can't touch
| Linn with a million" I'd like TO take
that record back and show. it to Billy
/ kenfrow some dsy. and that tightens
| my grip whenever see a far thing that
1 could corral just by winking one eye
and losing my graft. BY -. they
can't monkey with me. They know it.
! What money 7 get | make honest and
| spend IL. Some day Iii make a pile
and go back and est caviare with Billy.
! Tonight I'll show you now TO handle a
! bunch of corruptionists. I'll show them
what Mellinger. private secretary,
n. cans when you spell il with the cot
II ton and tissue paper Off
"Mellinger appears shaky. and breaks
his glass against the neck of the bot
tie.
Il says to myself White man. IL