, 1905-02-28
Why I, Can't Be an indian Agent.

the UncOmpahgre agency to succeed
Berry; and, while | must expess my
grateful acknowledgment for the ap-
parent faith and childlike confidence
reposed in me by the people of Colo
RADIO. must gently but firmly decline
the profered distinction.
In the first place, my other duties
will not admit OF it. My time is very
much occupied at present in my jour
nalistic work, and should there be a
falling off in my chaste and pictur-
esque contributions to the press. the
great surging world of literature would
be surprised and ~grieved.
Again, | could not entirely lay aisle,
this class of work anyway, even were
III to accept the position, and as l can
not write without being wrapped in
the most Opaque gloom M perfect
calm | would be annoyed, know, by
the war-whoops of the savage when
he got to playing croquet in the front
yard, and whenever he got to shooting
at me through the window while | was
composing a poem, | am perfectly pos
tive that | would get restless II the
divine afiatus would cease to give
down.
The true poet loves seclusion and
soothing rest. That is the secret of his
even numbers and smooth cadences.
| I nnl- OF rrrlnr and Nyrn1t Whitman
and Milton, and Burns, and the sweet
Singer of Michigan. What could any
% them have lone with the house full
Of children of the forest who were
hankering for a fresh pail of gore fos
lunch?
Further than this, | have o that
gentle magnetic power over the untu-
tored savage that some have. am
agitated all the time by a nervous
dread that if | go near him | may lose
Irly self command and kill him. l woul1
lose my temper some day when felt
Irritable, I'm afraid, and shoot into a
drove of them and mangle them horri-
bly, if they refused to dig the potatoes,
or got rebellious and wouldn't do the
fall blowing.
Then | would have to hunt up a suit.
able military post 200 or 800 miles
away and stay there till the popular
feeling in the tribe had cooled down
a little.
Then their costumes are so low-neck-
ed and so exceedingly dress, and every
during the winter, and l wouldn't know
what to do, for it would be bad policy
to refuse. and yet | don't know the first
a club footed camel, anyway, and when
got mixed up in the scalp dance the
foor-manager would get mad at me
probably. and chop some large irregu-
lar notches in me with a broad-ax.
Then their costumes ore so low-neck-
e dand SO exceedingly dress, and every
thing is so all fired decolette, whatever
that ISL would probably insist on wear
ing a liver-pad on a chilblain, and they
wouldn't dance with me all the v
ing and | would be a ~wall-1ower, and
they would call me a perfect dude, and
would laugh at the way my liver-pad
was cut. and | would go home and cry
myself to steep over the whole miser-
able affair.
So that perhaps it would be just as
well to plug along as l am and not get
Ambitious. The life of the ~ostensible
humorist may not be SO fraught with
untrammeled nature and sylvan re
treats. and wild, picturesque canons
and bosky dells, and things of that
kind. but it is cheering and comfort
ing to put your hand on the top OF
your head and feel that it is still on
deck, and, although wealth may not
come pouring in upon you in such an
Irresistible torrent as you may desire,
you know that If you can get enough
to eat from day to day. and dodge the
vigilance committee and the celluloid
pie, you are comparatively safe.
Besides all this. l ain afrail am not
in proper spiritual shape to go among
the Indians. Suppose that on some
softened, mellow, autumnal day the,
were all clustered about me with the
bacon grease and war paint on every
childlike ~countenance, and while !
stood there in the midst OF all the
autumn splendor with the wood cloth
ed in all the gorgeous apparel of the
deceased year, telling them Of the
beauties Of industry. and 1eace. and
the glad unfettered life of the buck
wheat promoter, or while I read a pas
sage of scripture tt them and was ex-
planning it, and they were looking up
into my face with their great fawnlike
eyes. all at once one Of them should
piayfully shoot my wife-all the wife
I had. too-or my hired girl! The
chances are about even that I would
throw down the Bible and fly into an
ungovernable rage and swear, and be
just as harsh, and rude, and unreason-
able as | could be. Then, after l had
hammered the immortal soul out Of
the entire tribe, and my wrath had
spent itself, l would probably bitterly
regret it all.
o it's of no use. 1 can't accept the
position. I've been in the habit of
Swearing at the spring poet and the