Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1905-04-28
Humorous


One day gave my little cousin a
wintergreen Iozenge, and, as 1t burnt
her tongue, she turned to her mother
and cried, "Oh, muzzcr, put dis In
'frigerator, quick"
To-day" said the minister, II think
you'd better take up the collection be-
fore I preach my sermon. "Why so?
asked the vesryman. 'I'm going to
preach on Economy"
Mrs. Casey-An' phat did tn doc
thor say allied We? Mr.. Casey-Appen-
dicids. Mrs. Casey-Och. worra! Oh
knew he'd say that If ye wore thot
new Sunday suit.-Judge.
Papa-How did you get your clothes
SO terribly torn? Tommy-Tryin' to
keep a little boy from bein' licked.
Papa-Ah, a brave deed! Who was
the little boy? Tommy-Me.
Your snorted Miss Sharpe. Marry
you? Why, you're only an apology
for a man." But" protested Mr..
Small, you will not mo; will
not accept the apology" y."-I'hiladelphia
Ledger.
II fell over the bulwarks,' said the
sailor, land the shark came along and
grabbed me by the leg" "And what
did you do?" Il let him have the leg.
1 never dispute with a shark" Chi
cago Journal
"As Shakespeare says" remarked
Cassidy, who was fond of airing his
book larnin' p" occasionally. whats in
name?" "Well," replied Casey, 'call
rne wan that OF don't like an ofll
show ye."-Philadelphia Press.
"Well," snapped Saint Peter, what
have you to say for yourself?" Il am
not good man," replied the applicant,
''but didn't go about making apollo
gies for myself on earth, and l don't
intend to begin now" And he got in.
Now that Ann's age has been thor
oughly discussed, the Council Bluffs
Nonpareil springs this one: "A young
woman goes upstairs to dress at 7:45
for the evening. She is 10 years old
and weighs 1O2 pounds. State the wait
of the man below"
Little Boy-I want you to write me
an excuse for being late to school yes
terday. Jeweler-Eh? You are not
my son. Little Boy-N-o, but mamma
says I had plenty Of time to get to
school. so 1 guess the clock you sold
her doesn't go right.
what do you think Of her vocal
ahiliW?" asked the manager Of the
show after the prima donna had
ceased to warble. "Well," replied the
man who had come in on pass, ''she
has an admirable voice for destroying
silence."-Chicago News.
A well-known judge was standing
at the door Of ballroom when very
beautiful woman passed him. ''Wha1
a lovely womanv' said the Judge, but
SO loud that the lady overheard it
Turning her head, she recognized the
speaker "And what good judge!
she said.
Magistrate did you steal tha
ham, Uncle Rastus? Uncle Rastus-
Bekase nah pooh family was starvin'
you homer. Magistrate - Family
starving, eh? But they tell me vol
own five dogs. Uncle Rastus-Dat!
er fack, yo' homer; but All reckon yo
all wudn't 'spect nah family ter ea
dem dawgs-Chicago Daily News.
One afternoon little Johnny happen
ed to look up and see the moon, and a
he had never seen it before in til,
daytime, he ran into the house and ex
claimed: "Oh, mamma, I've got ,
good joke on God" why, what d.
you mean, dear?'' asked the astonishe;
mother. HE! forgot to take the mool
in this morning." explained JOHN
Exchange.
Motorist-Are all the tools in tn
toolchest? Valet-Yes. sir. Motorist-
Are all the cushions and iaprobes Il
the tonneau? Valet-Yes, sir. Motor
ist-Is the tank full Of gasoline? Vale
Yes, sir. Motorist-Have you brough
down all our goggles? Yes, sir. Motor
ist-Well, run up to my room an
bring the roll of bills out of the to-
bureau drawer SO that we will hav
enough money to pay our fines. The
we shall be ready to start.
Lawyer-You have taken your oatf
and want you to, answer each of IN
questions honestly. Witness-Yes, sil
Lawyer-What is your occupation
Witness-I am a driver. Lawyer
Do you drive wagon? Witness-Nt
sir; I do not. Lawyer-Now be care
full, and remember that you are o
. your OATH You admit that you are
driver; now, honestly, don't you driv
wagon? Witness-No, sir; drive
horse.-Albany Evening Journal
"My DEAR" said Miss Flagstaff t
q her country beau, Il thought l ough
. to tell you beforehand that I'm sou
nambulist. You might not like
i marry a woman who" But tn
8 impatient Mr. Mccoy cut short her r.
Q marks, saying: 'That makes no di
a..oooo CoroJipo-unpo i'm tho Uorlf