davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1905-07-15
First Baptist Church.

w. j. Eddy, pastor.-our services
for tomorrow win be as follows:
10:45, sermon-"How You Asked
Him" $500, sermon-"The Face of
Jesus Christ $3.50, Sunday school;
200, B. Y. P. U. meeting, Mrs. Lii.
Ian Hatcher, leader. A cordial in
vitation is extended to all.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1905-07-15
cauaht a Cat.

John Robinson, of Uztown, came
up street this morning with a cat fish
which weighed s1;2 pounds. John
caught II on a trot-line. 4
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1905-07-15
E. =. Sheets Dead.

Mr.. E. F. Sheets, of Carlisle. Pa.
died Thursday, July 10, after a linger-
ing illness. Mr.. Sheets was formerly
of Lost creek, Harrison county, and
is known by many people in this city.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1905-07-15

Leased wire telegraphic service by
Publishers Press Association. Special
correspondents at Charleston, Park
ernburg and other cities in the State.
The West virginian is 10. sale at
the following places:
A. g. Martins book store, Main st.
Clyde 'Holt's cigar store, Main st.
Larney Lloyd's cigar store, Main st.
Mercer's confectionery, opposite
Watnon Hotel.
yoat Billiard Parlors, Fairmont
avenue.
A. Merrineid's store. Locust venue.
Fred Harris confectionery. Water
utyeet-
Z. ". orr's news stand, Monongah.
Claude Higginbotham. Company
0tore, Watson.
nmmett lce;s news stand, Manning.
eon.
Abbey Burke. agent. Rivesyille.
Miss sallie 2. Martin. postotice.
Usirview.
The Fairmont West Virginian. (Fairmont, W. Va.) 1904-1914, 1905-07-15
WALTER ]. BUzBY.

The Twentieth Century Steel
Frame Washer.
Is being known throughout the
UNITED STATES as the best
and most satisfactory machine
made. The weight Of the tub
clothes and water rests on a per-
feet BALL BEARING, making
it the easiest running machine in
the world
Our price $3.50.
Boss Washer, No. I, s5.25.
Boss Washer, No. 2, $3.50.
Seven different styles of WASH
ers to select from Come in and.
look them over.
wringers from sl.loz
up TO $500.
Mo N -
The oasis., 1905-03-25

behind him. and lhat ih Goo event be sb1uld find tbe stfeef railway Co look good t would not be bong uptll line wa. put lu operation from Lowell io Che head of Tombstone canon. People who have been wading through the slush of the streets during lhe last two months to get from the busi- ness and work centers to their homes on the outskirts of the city, will join heartily in the hope that the investigations of Mir. Power may bear fruit. and that speed fly.
 Douglas Dispatch: At the pre- sent time there is more business being handled over the Southwest ern railroad than ever before. During the last week four extra freight crews have been put on the road. running out of Douglas. At the present time there are fifteen train crews on the Southwestern having headquarters in this city, thirteen freight crews and two pas senger crews. A freight crew con sists of not less than five men, while one more IS required for a passenger crew. Douglas is now the headquarters of nearly one hundred men who are included in the various train crews.
The oasis., 1905-03-25
COFFEE

Why your grocer likes Schilling's Best; he has no trouble with 1t.
The oasis., 1905-03-25

DANCING GLASS FOR ADULTS held each Wednesday evening at eight o'clock in Armory Hall. Lessons 30 cents each. Mrs. J. w. Schultz, teacher. 1t.
The oasis., 1905-03-25
ARIZONA NEWS.

over $40,000 trying to keep it's road open for traffic, the Maricopa & Phoenix railroad company had its bridge across the Gila washed out again on Thursday for the seventh time this winter. 1t was reported yesterday that eleven bents of it had gone this time. That company has certainly had hard luck this season.
 Tucson Star: Mrs j. H. Martin, daughter of the late Judge Barnes, filed suit here today for divorce from Col. Martin of New York. Eugene Ives appears for the plain tiff, and Hereford x Hazard for the defendant. There are two grown daughters and one son in the family. The charge is incom- patibility. Martin is said to be worth a quarter of million. Mrs. Martin has 8 large share of Judge Barnes estate.
 Douglas International: Ben Dan- iels, superintendent of the Terri torial prison, is in Douglas with Mrs. Daniels, visiting his brother. in-law, Charles Thompson, of the custom house. Mir. Daniels arriv- ed from Washington, where he was one of the famous guard of honor of the president during the inaug- uration. He was a member of the Rough Riders and is one of the old timers of the Territory and has been prominent in Territorial politics.
 Tucson Post. Gambling is to be revived in Tucson on small scale. A newcomer, whose name cannot be learned has made application for license to run d game on Broadway back of the former gambling re- sorts, He will install roulette wheel, pay the license of $25O per month and run the resort without drinks of any kind. AS there is no provision in the ordinance which can prevent him from rum ming the game, he may go on un- molested as long as he complies with the time limitations. It is reported that he is backed by some of the largest gamblers who want to break the ice and have q game running 50 that it cannot be said that the authorities have been en- tirelv successful in wiping out gambling. The license means S3,- GOO per year to the city treasury and the gamblers believe this con- tribution will be a temptation to to permit the traffic to go on under less restriction.
 Bisbee Review A street railway for the city, one of the worst needs the town at present suffers, may grow from the visit that is now being paid by Attorney Power oi Calumet, who has been here for a week with view of locating. Be- side this view it begins to look very much as if Mir. Power had an other very definite object in view when he came to town. This sur mise grows from active steps he has taken within the last few days in the matter of getting the statu; of street railway permits that the city has granted in the past and from intimations that have come from the east that there are Michi gan people who recognize that Bis bee affords industrial opportunities in other lines than mining. From
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-08-20

We can justifiably doubt retort like this.
just may doubt the story of the diving
Courter who prayed that he might live until
he had paid his debts.
Then you'll be sure never to die" said
the friend who stood him.
L" l owe you a grudge," said a man to his
enemy
" Don't worry, I never knew you to pay
anything" n
Critics may say that the great Italian
humorsts have passed away, that there have
been none since Ariosto, vet it is still true that
modern Italy appreciates and produces good
bonS mOts. 1t must be admitted, however, that
much Italian humor turns on the ludicrous
incident, rather than the play of words
81 say, waiter. this fish isn't fresh!' in
sisted a restaurant patron.
"Oh yes, sir, it is.
" But it smells.
"Oh no, sir 1t isn't your fish, but that
other gentemans outlet"
Here waiter" said another patron, take
this coffee away; it's cold"
oh no, sir, its hotter than it looks. I've
tried it,
What? Tasted it?"
"Oh no, sir, only dipped my fingers i'm
n hhti peiiiodiiiiS llle scarcity oI corn 10 a
peasant, expressed the fear that all the beasts
would die
Heaven preserve your worship" responded
the other fervently.
This story bears close resemblance to one
told of the King of Portugal. When he met
Landseer the animal painter he expressed
much delight at the. introduction. Il am
very glad indeed t. meet you, for l am so
fond of beasts" .
But it would be dangerous to attempt to
trace the origin of most jokes. As long as the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-08-20

the many pieces OF orange peel he had scat
tered on the table.
"Oh, well" said Hook, You haven't failed
Instead OF pig you have made a litter"
When somebody spoke to him of poverty
as a virtue, That's making virtue of
necessity" he retorted
These are only a few of the bons mots
attributed to the Englishmen mentioned; but
enough has been said to show that if the
average Englishman is slow in understanding
a joke, England has had many wits whose
powers above ordinary.
Most modern bulls, correctly or not, are
attributed to the Irish, and it must be admitted
that the Irish excel in repartee, even though
no professedly comic paper has ever fourished
at Dublin.
The only way that true gentleman will
ever look at the faults of pretty woman is
not to them" is a good example of Irish
galantry and Irish laundering. On the
whole, Irish humor is more imaginative than
any other, and even in repartee there is little
of the play on words, though this of Lut-
trells is good
At crowded dinner when he was asked:
Please make room, if you can"
" Room must certainly be made he
answered, for it doesn't exist at this table
According to our ideas of Irish humor, it
might have been at an Hibernian court that
the following incident occurred
II you go on in that way" said the prisoner
to his lawyer, II know they'll hang me-
Never mind if they do was the consoling
reply: I'm make them repent it"
But it wasn't Of necessity an Irish second
wife who replied to her husbands eulogy of her
predecessor: No one regrets her death more
than | do"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-08-20
7 III E Spell LIN c. B E T,
By John Ludlow

The spelling bee Robins Cove We boys and girls that night
Were lined in two rival rows to verbal fight
And lernedv the old district school
A double-eage every year from Squire Vanderpool
Our and pas there eate, and each
Especially doting mas her prodigy would win.
| knew stood show myself, books role
Bird nesting speciality, fishing pole)
thought, the would dwinde
Between Darius Appleby and Henrietta Shaw.
Hank Withe the fall when aven pierced
The muderous yaaghan despatched Llewelyn Drew
Hoato Snithers could not climb the eucalyptus"
Nor Prudence Socum navigate the Mediterranean
Before the horned rhnoceros Budd Jones fled
Beneath the bloody gulotne Jane Parsons
Ayssum decked Ann Pnkhas Seth Iuttles
Like Lucfer, Lem Larkns from the "empyrean" fell.
Twas somnoence Cynthia Kpp and Jenkins Duff sleep,
And achrymose, she sat down, made Polly Wilkins weep
In old "Euphraes" classic tide Joy Wtherbee drowned
Todd Snifen left a "monoith' to mark his early mound
Elzada Biggs and Bedford Tut engng
Phander Sques mangled by the dreadful Juggernaut
When udgeon smoe his has Job Onderdonk down
As fatal the shilahs thwack Abner Cruiclhank
Their 'Omelet' Eli Snedeker Mapes declined
When Mercy ies withdrew she left her sucotash behind
grief in her parents eyes when doefuy they
That 'frcassee did not agree with Henrietta Shaw.
In "heroglyphic" strange Eudoa
On bleak Siba frozen steppes Jake Smith lay
Uriah Bumpus o think that "Cycops"
POOR hannah rnpPS was eaten up by anthroPoPhagl
"Euripides was Greek indeed to Silas Dudderys
Lobeia Bgbee's 'catafallue" her untimely bier.
"Sarcophagus" inurned the hopes of Geogana Stout
And left Darius Appeby and fight
But short the conflict and sharp: with blow
caught him in the diaphragm and laid my rival low.
The plau1s and the mne-by chance
of all the guess wrong
And that had pped them knocked
Had the peril been removed before spell.
They did not think flush OF pride guilt that bzed within
| felt like a assembling beneath a lions skin.
But have learned then how the Hebrews song:
Not always the swift the the battle
And Fortune still by time and chance school,
Oft fouts the worthy and the WISE to smile fool
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-08-20

time of the early Greeks we read of a man
who vowed that he never would touch water
until he had learned to swim and here in
quaint seventeenth century form we have
the thing,
Although often find it in modern form,
the following query had a place in Greek
literature:
Which Of you died" said a man to a twin,
you or your brother?'
The French said to have wit. but No
humor But whether or not this is true
should be lett TO a Frenchman to decide
Yet with little effort we discover in the
depths of our remembrance many Jen d rs prit
well calculated to create a laugh as the
broader witticisms Of the Englishman.
Said physician to Fontanelle: Coffee
kills by slow poison
Yes" replied Fontanee, very slow.
have drunk it tour-score years, and still live"
We all recall Taeyrand's reply to a man
who apoogized for something that he had
done, with: " But one must live"
Il don't the necessity for doing So
responded the cynical wit.
While Spanish wit is seen at its best in the
longer works like Don Quixote. throughout
Spanish literature one finds brilliant flashes
of humOr. Some of the modern anecdotes
instantly make us smile.
A father, sending his son to college at
Salamanca, babe him live as cheaplv as pos
slble. On reaching the town, the boy in
quired the price of OK, which he was told
was ten ducats Next he priced Partrdges.
which he found to be a real apiece
Then it is evident" he exclaimed, that
l must live partridges!'
German humor is likely to have an element
of the pathetic though fondness for bur
lesque is always evident. Often these Jokes
are a little heavy, for the non-Teuton. Occa4-
sionally they have the keenness OF real wit
In other countries" writes a German wit.
when citizens become dissatisfied with the
Government, they emgrate. In France, they
request the Government to emigrate."
10 the average newspaper reader it would
seem to be carrying Goals to Newcastle to
attempt to give examples of American humor
There is not an editor who from time to
time does not put before his readers witticisnls
that would make even a Scotchman smile,
and if some OF these Jokes have an origin N
ceverly rearranged that they anuse the most
hardened critic.
Extravaganza and boldness are two Of
the chief characteristics of American humor
Of a certain misery man, some one wrote
He doesn't breathe; he ticks
Of lake in Minnesota, wrote an enthu-
siastic editor: 1t is so clear that by looking
into it you can see them making tea in China"
In the daily press probably find more Of
genuine wit and humor than in the laborcd
productions of professional humorsts. From
Washington Irving, for example, we extract
little that draws the immediate smile though
it was he who told of lawyer converted after
seeing a ghost, who never again cheated,
except when it was to his own advantage
Oliver Wendell Holmes, who really was the
greatest wit among American authors, had
SO many bonS motS that to quote few can
only tantaliZe the reader.
1t was he who defined the Red Indian as a
"a few instincts on legs, tlourishing a toma-
hawk"
Dat
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-08-20

seeing ghost, who never again cheated
" except when it was to his own advantage
Oliver Wendell Holmes, who really was tn,
greatest wit among American authors, ha,
SO many b0nS HI0ts that to quote few car
only tantalize the reader
1t was he who defined the Red Indian as :
9" a few instincts on legs flourishing a toma
hawk"
Put not your trust in money, but YOU
money in trust" was his advice, and like mos
wits he was not averse to the homely pun.
Lowes humor was less keen and it:
application was more in the ear OF the hearel
who must fully comprehend the object of hi:
satire. ITO move John Bull you must make
a fulcrum of beef and pudding; an abstrac,
idea will do for Jonathan"
Listening to Wagner's music is like having
tQothache in the pit of the stomach" says
Mark Twain; but Twains humor, quickly
though it appeals to the reader, seldom car
be put before us in brief extracts.
Even ARENAS Ward rarely has wittcisms
as condensed as his remark about the Nor
mons Their religion is singular, but their
wives plural
Il appear before a Salt Lake of upturned
faces, he said to his Utah audience, and
on his American program he hardly had to
have the notice that appeared IN London
Mr.. ARENAS Ward will call on the citizens
of London at their residences, and explain,
any Jokes in his narrative that they may not
understand"
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1905-02-16
Roller Skates Not New.

1t is generally believed that roller
skates are a recent invention. They
are not For more than 100 years ago
many attempts We're made to ignore
King Frost and skate on boards.
The first attempt of this kind was
by Joseph Merlin, native of Huy,
Belgium. He went to England with
the Spanish ambassador in 1850. He
was a maker of musical instruments,
and had among other novelties a pair
OF skates that ran on wheels. A story
is told of Merlin, that at one time he
put on these skates. took a violin and
attended a masquerade. Tie skates,
which were not made to turn. and had
70 con1r:vance by which they could
be stopped, got contrary during the
evening and run him thru a mirror
costing 800 In addition to smashing
the m;rroe, his violin, a valuable one,
was splintered and Merlin himself was
badly wounded and bruised
I'm 1919 roller skates We're brought to
the attention of the public thru the
patep4 clfice. This was the time when
NJ. Pett,b'ed patented a skate, fitted
with thin copper wheels, which, how
eyer. rersistently refused to turn cor
ners. From here it Went thru various
improvements and notifications, until
the roller skate, such as the boys and
girls of 1905 enjoy, was produced.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1905-02-16
Sheffield.

Special to Times Republican.
Sheffield, Feb. 16.-Mr. and Mrs A.
X. Smith. of Parkersburg, have been
visiting the latter's uncles, II. Rust,
Albert Rust, and John Fhroning,
w. G. Hooking of Chicago, is again
in town, called by the serious illness
of his father, HI. d. Hooking.
Rev. A. II. Bishop returned Thurs
day from Marietta, O.. where he Off
ciated at the marriage of his brother.
A birthday party, for their son, For
est, was given by Mr.. and Mrs. l.. b.
Carhart, to about forty of his school,
mates Friday evening. 1t was q sur
prise and was successfully carried out.
After a delightful evening was spent
with games, Mrs Carhart. assisted by
Mrs. A. T. Bushop, served a delicious
three course supper The young peo-
pie presented Forest with a fine watch
fob and wishing him many happy re-
turns of the day, departed declaring
they had enjoyed a delightful evening.
The Iowa Central is having more
than it's share of trouble these days.
Snow blockades are of every day oc-
currance and trains are held here for
hours. If we get mail once a day we
consider ourselves lucky. Snow drifts
in some places are fifteen to twenty
inches deep in the timber.
Sales have been postponed, as peo-
pie cannot go to them.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1905-02-16
College Professor Explains Cause
of Controversy Between
Science and Revelation
DEEPENING OF RELIGIOUS FAITH!
The Sincere Bible Student of Today
Feels That conquests in the Field of
Science Detract Nothing From the
Sacred Word-BibIe Tells Story of
Natural Phenomenon.
pecial to imes-Republican.

Special to Times Republican.
Iowa City, Feb. 16.-"The Bible IS
not a text book of science and does not
assume to teach science. 1T refers TO
natural phenomenon as they were seen
by the people in the period of which
it was written. Moreover it was writ
ten i'm general terms ant not in details.
Its science is the science of the times
of it's several authors Such is the
conclusion of Professor Samuel Calvin.
professor of geology of the State Uni
versity of Iowa, who lectured before
the ministerial association of Iowa
City on Geology ami Revelations"
Continuing he said:
"rhe teachings of geology and BIZ
clogy have often run contrary to long
accepted Interpretation, of certain por-
lions of the Bible Geology in partic-
ular seems to cast discredit on some
portions of Genesis. But the whole
controversy between science and reve-
lation has largely arts IN from Il mis-
apprehension of the purposes and
proper Ir1enQS OF each. Ine coIltTo-
versy Is now almost AT an end. Both
are beginning to realize that both are
seekers after the sam, thing, truth.
Religion is the gamer from every con-
quest made In the fiel is of science.
"a literal Interpretation of Genesis
tells of a miraculous Swinging into be-
ing, at the command OF creative fiat.
Opposed to this geology tells of a de-
velopment thru countless ages. The
history OF original sir is disapproved
by the fact that suffering and death
have been coextensive with life. The
more critically science and Genesis are
compared the greater becomes the con-
fusing difference. But science is not
invaluable. 1t has made mistakes and
will make many more. But errors have
no force; they can work no injury to
revelation and truths will not. These
errors can only be recified by scientific
studies. Hurting texts at them will
not do it, and such methods have all
ways produced misct lief and mischief
only. Today the earnest and sincere
Bible student bids science God speed,
and feels that it's final conclusions will
but deepen religious faith while de-
tracing nothing from the Sacred
Word"
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1905-02-16
TARPoN WAS in HARD LUCK.
Was Not Only Hooked on Line, But
Was Also Chased ty Big Shark.

lDallaS News
After all the guests had dined we
gathered in a circle on the large back
veranda. Comments on the beautiful
surf and upon the success of one of
the young ladies in having learned to
float were made. Finally, one of the
ladies asked what lad become Of our
new tarpon man from st. Louis; may
be he had fallen overheard AS soon
as he got his dinner he started with
a rush to meet his boatman. In a few
moments we heard his feet striking
the front gallery floor, and in a NOM
ent he was before US.
"What luck?" WIS called to him.
Luck! l had the luck of my life
did you land a tarpon?"
Eyes, l landed a tarpon, and l have
already ordered HIM mounted"
He withdrew from the company to
get his supper, and we commenced
singing sacred songs. Nearer My
God, to Thee" 'tIn the Sweet BY and
By." "There Is a Fountain Filled With
Blood" etc.
Soon our tarpon man from st. Louis
returned to the veranda and took a
seat at one end to- listen to the sing
ing. A chair was placed for MIN IN
the circle, and he was invited TO inc
seat. He came rather reluctantly, ana
remarked, as he sat down:
"If this is a Salvation Army, III JOIN
it. for think am one of the redeem
ed. I'm ready to die now. For twenty
Years 1 have been looking forward 10
catching a tarpor, and l have causile
him. They say there is more JOY IN
the anticipation Ct an event than there
is in the realization of it, but can
testify that anticipation is nothing ~
is a. daring and exciting act to rope
a wild Texas steer and throw MIN "
the ground, but that is boys play com
nared to catching tarpon, especially
when man eating shark as big as d
whale is trying 20 catch the tarpoh at
the same time. l was afraid the shark
would give up the tarpon and Jump
into the boat after me. L tell you IL
was exciting. 1t was more than eX-
citing. | had ervous prostratlon nan
a dozen times. I will tell you nav IL
was