The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-02-11

LUCIANNA SENDS
UNIQUE VALENTINES.

T JOHANNA was looking over the
l. newspapers. Suddenly she laugh
ed aloud. Then she took the
scissors and began shipping from them
various items and advertisements The
merry thought had struck her of send
ing the clippings as valentines to GER
tain individuals whom she declared she
was going to get even with. The first
one was her own venerable and estima-
BILE grandmother.
Lucianna's standing grudge at gran"
was the name Lucy Ann which was
grams own. Lucy Ann changed it to
Lucianna when she became old enough
to read novels, yet gran still called her
Lucy Ann very distinctly before stran-
gers. Gran was 'sot in her ways" es-
pecially in the matter OF teetotalisrn.
The dear old lady hated alcohol as it
were the father of lies himself. Once
she fancied she smelled something on
Lucianna's best young mans breath,
though the youth vowed it was only
ginger beer he had been drinking. New
ertheless grams remarks were lively
and. forceful.
'I'n fix her." said Lucianna. She
took up a clipping bearing a large pic
ture of an aged dame ugly and wea-
zened as an old witch. The clipping
was an advertisement setting forth
that the original of the picture was
ninety-nine years old and could still
see and hear well and that she attrib-
uted her remarkable longevity, good
looks and the preservation of her men
tai faculties solely to the habitual use
for ninety-seven years of Fireater's
pure Noah's ark whisky.
AS matter of fact, the portrait was
of such nature that it was rather an
awful warning against drinking Noah's
ark whisky and living to be ninety-nine
years old. Lucianna laughed all the
more on that account. She wrote in
backhand upon the clipping, From
your loving valentine clapped it into
an envelope and addressed it to gran.
Then there was Professor Psychofz-
zycus, a large, lazy long cared man
who lived mostly on the astral plane
and who considered that meat eating
retarded for hundreds of incarnations
the progress of the human soul through
the eternities. Pork-yea, even the
choicest broiled ham-was the double
dyed abomination of Professor Psyche
f1zzycus.
Lucianna sent him a clipping from a
live stock journal giving instructions
how to carve up properly and salt away
the body of slain pig.
Aunt Sarah hated tobacco worse than
poison. She said it stupefied mems
brains, caused cancer, paralysis, dys-
pepsia, insomnia and insolvency. Aunt
Sarah declared with emphasis that she
would rather spend her time in pc
troleum refinery than dwell in the same
house with a man who smoked. Luci-
anna sent her a disquisitional adver-
tisement on the good health, delight
and sweet dreams to be drawn from
the consumption of a genuine biena-
venturadamente claro cigar.
Lastly, there was Great-uncle Romeo,
a bachelor of eighty. He was a crank
from Granville, and his pet diversions
were giggling girls and crying babies.
Indeed, he disliked children as aged
bachelors who have only themselves to
think of sometimes do. Lucianna sent
Great uncle Romeo an advertisement of
a rare and radiant unfermentable food
for infants, accompanied with the offer
on triaI of a newfangled feeding bottle