The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-08-07

THEY FASTENED 4 ROPE AROUND My NECE
AND GAVE HER THE END To HOLD.
this thrlllin juncture, while remark
that my Alleviator has now been be
fore the discriminatin' public for the
last thirteen years, and doorin' all tina,
time il has never once failed 10 dc
what was expected Of II. II sootheS
The weary, calms the nervous. brings
new hopes TO the hopeless, and any
sort O. pain, from a headache 70
broken bones, is alleviated almost in.
stantly.
No other remedy ever compounded
kin take its place. | have seen a
grievin' widder woman grievin' away
as If her heart would break, and
Eayin' that she might as well commit
suicide, take one dose OF my Aleyiator
and then begin to laugh and sing coon
songs. II | should set out to tell the
half of what this wonderful compound
has done it would require ten times
tne space OF TINS paper.
! have heard people say thousand
times over that it was well wuth a
dollar bottle, but my price is invari-
ably 25 cents. Where g-ieyin' wild
der woman and her nine fatherless
children appear before me in body
and want ten bottles an to once,
make a discount Of 10 per cent In
cases where find ministers of the gos-
pei preachin' on Sundays and diggin
post holes for Is cents a hole doorin'
the week also make slight dis
count, but TO all others the price is'as
stated. No pills go with the Allevi-
ator. 1t stands out by itself, like a
wart on politicians nose Havin'
made sich explanashun as deemed to
be due the public will now return to
my perilous sltuashun in the Red
Hoss tavern.
: No sooner had the stalwart and in
dIgnant citizens before mentioned bust.
ed open my door than | gently inquir-
ed what was wrong. In reply they or
dered me to git out Of bed and foller
them. On the same public square
where had achieved victory two hours
before was now a crowd howlin' for
my life, while tar and feathers had
been collected for my benefit. ] soon
discovered the cause of the commo-
shun. A cross eyed citizen who had
bought bottle Of my Alleviator for
the earacbe had driven the pain down
into his stomach. In order to drive II
back again he had absorbed a gallon
Of sour buttermilk and was then lyin'
On the ground with the pangs Of de-
spair gnawin' at his vitals. He had
claimed that my Alleviator had pi-
Eened him, and the liberal hearted
crowd had taken his word for it and
get out to mob me-
Ny presence Of mind did not desert
me. Even with the tar warmin' up TO
the right pint, and a woman standin'
by with two pillars Off her parlor bed,
] held up my hand and made an ad-
dress TO the crowd. ! contended with
sieh sincerity that the sufferin' crltter
mad been mixin' sunthln' else with my
remedy that he finally broke down
and confessed the truth. then or
dered him rolled on a bar'I. stood on
his head and given few kicks, and
when he had come to the right frame
Of mind | administered a dose with
my own hand, and In i've minlts he
was smilln' like a babe.
Public opinion changed at once. /
was hailed as public benefactOr and
a hero, and upon reopenin' business I /
made sale Of thirty-four more bottles
and was serenaded by a string band.
When l left the town the next mornin'
the mayor hisself took off his hat TO
me and gave me an official lnvitashun
TO call agin. l cite this case to show
that good man, backed by good
pain alleviator, kin allus depend on
Providence TO bring him through all
difficulties.
had driven about fye miles next
forenoon when / beheld half a dozen
citizens approachln' me on hossback.
At frst ] took item to be citizens Of