New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1905-12-10
PENSION OFFICE HUMOR.
Some of the Quaint and Original
Implications for Pay.

|
where they add a good deal to the hilarity of
nations. Some applicants for pensions mani
] fest the most childlike ignorance regarding the
| method of procedure necessary when applying
| for pension. They seem to think that all they
have to do is to send application to the Pen
/ sion Office and Uncle Sam viii forward check
/ By return mail Some go so far to send per-
sonal letters to President Roosevelt and the
| writer has knowledge OF at least ex-soldier
who feels confident that he had his pension "rtz''
from 80 to S12 month by a letter sent to the
President telling him that Il the pension was
not ''rtz" by certain time the applicant would
| Zine the Dimrnycrats."
Soon after the close of the C1vn War there
came to the Pension Office in Washington the
following unique and poet1cal application for
pension that went the rounds of the news
papers at least thirty years ago. for a copy
| Of It Is In a scrapbook that old:
10 Commissioner of Pensions washington
these many years I've tried in vain
an honest Pention to obtain
apf Toq BATHS FsG Of gu n Run S1'S ono
one of ohiees sons SO brave
who went to the front the union to save
And whilst EngsEed Il above said fight
| this treachero1s shell in Passing by
snd Lefft Ss 3 gnoqasclo%s s a ston"
| from the jaw bone to the Ear
but thanks to cpd my Life q vas TtaS spared
for to wright and read Poetre
hone that with that Eye to the day
when unkel Sam hts Crpples win Pay.
Much moro recent is the letter sent to the
Commissioners of Pensions by applicant who
had contracted blood poisoning in the following
remarkable manner:
IT got blood poison by beinge hit with hens
eg wen cam back from the hrunt- The eg
was not good wen you send my pension want
20 cot "A
Il She throde the eg. She war a rebbeL"
Equally appealing and remarkable was an
other letter sent to the Pension Office in which
the applicant set forth his claims to pension
IN this wise:
"gThe way I got my War ingery. was ketchiH
Of hog. The Hog war wanted By our captain
for forege. We was chasfn' the hog and she
crawIed threw a hole. an thot were about
the size OF thu hog, and tried to crawl threw,
but stuck an In tryin to wiggle out throde
the raIes OH an one it hit me- on my he'd and
nOcked mo senselesz I do not think the hos
had nothtn to do with my line of duty, for did
not ketch the hog. Wich she never was caut.
50 pleze send along my pension"
Ono aged pensioner had evidently made q
serious blunder by taking unto himself a wife in
his old age. for love Of gain seems to have been
the motive of the woman who married him il
the following letter stated the facts in the
Dear Mister Government, Pleze to fix UP my
penshun papers so as my wife cant draw my
twelve dolers a munt when ded she say
she Inarryed for low to be ole mans
Darling but now I no it for to git my PEN
shun on herself by being my widower so pleze
let my penshun end with me but pleze doant let
TO her that you got this from or / would
have hot time OF it and times is hotter now
than can stand So when I send word that l
moar then send her this if you want to
but not until the penshun Is shut of which It
Is her inst desserts for marryin for money an in
a Mersheenary spirrut."
One day there came to the Pension Office
very old and subdued looking man who could
scarcely totter along with the help of two canes
By his side a very robust and perfectly
self-reliant young of perhaps thirty
years Of age. When some one went forward to
ask what wanted the young woman said:
well, I'll just tell you This is my husband
and we amt getting enough pension-that's
what we amt We're getting only SO month
and know that wasn't in the war half
as long as my husband was and didn't get a
shot in him and he gifts his twelve a MONTH and
we want our pension raised to that figger or
more"
Ons applicant was willing to give the most