davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
Not Often

The humorist was chloroforming the
OsleT joke.
Sometimes joke loses its useful
but"
Here he smiled professional smile
Not very often. Chicago Sun.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
with a Drawback.

Mr.. Culture-My dear. my scientific
works are bringing me in fortune. and
We shall soon be rich
Mrs. Culture-That's too bad. Now
we shall have 10 associate with lot OF
nobodies who inherited their wealth.
Casseirs.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

What Fen downstairs, How did il
happen"
why. you see started 90 go down,
and my wife said BE careful. joint
And I'm not the man 90 Doe dictated 10
by any woman. SO down wenL"-Tit.
Bits
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

Guest Don't YOU like 20 have com
pany 10 dinner?
Truthful Tommy Nom We have
more 10 eat but don't get SO much OF
it-N. y Sun.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
Appropriate.

"Leverman has a new automobile
Calls il the Jiu-Jitsu.
What on earth does he call it that
for?"
Because II throws you on your feet
so quick and is liable to break your
bones. Chicago News
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
Perfectly Safe.

Caller-Your coat-of-arms is very
pretty; but couldn't anyone else use IL;
American Hostess-No. indeed. We
paid the designer ten dollars extra &c
have IL copyrighted.-N. Y World.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

Mother-You should treat Mr.. Rock
ton better than YOU do. Mabel lie is a
diamond in the rough
Mabel know it, mamma. that is
why cut him Town Topics.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

She-lt must he a bill. dear. YOU look
80 cross
He-Worse than that. confound it.
This chap says he wants TO call on me
and present a letter of Introduction
Brooklyn Life.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

DiXon-How is your artist friend
getting on In Paris2
ThOmson-Oh splendidly,
Have YOU heard from him?"
No. that's why / know he's pros
pering -CasseIIs.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
His Lucky Escane

Jack-Congratulste me. old man.
Tom-What's up? Are you engaged
Jack-No; Miss Roxleigh refused me
the day before her father made an as.
sigpment-ChiczgoN News.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

Typewriter Agent Pardon me. sir.
but may D ASK what is tho style of your
typewriter
Merchant terthu- las -icallyb Right
mp to date. Elbow sleeves. lace inser-
tion shirt waist and an that sort Of
thing y +. Weekly
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
That Beautiful Complexion

Clarice-Miss De Rose tells me she in.
herited her beautiful complexion from
her grandmother.
Flora-Was her grandmother a drug.
gist?-N. Y Weekly.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
An Insinuation

Mildred-They say young Higgins
wants TO marry every girl he meets.
Clotilda-Then why don't you get
soae one to introduce you. dear?
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

Cousin Jim Did he obige with a
song?
Uncle Josh WAL, he screecled out
what they called "a song. but I'm dummed
II he Obliged anybody " Louisville Cou-
rier-Journal
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

Tess-Yes he proposed 10 me last
night
Jess-Th idea, ON bis knees. sup.
pose2
Tess was not 40 least not until
afterwards Philadelphia Press.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

"I hate to do This muutered the frog
rimh.y escaping The hin of the stork
FOR like as uot this fellow viii geo home
and ten AN bis friends about catching
a frog as hig ass "a house. that got away
from him '-Chlcaco Tribune
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

I TT % M q III 7 Ilr
would have the
horse skinned
and stuffed IIc
called one of
the soldiers. ana
Irishman 49,
told him 90 20
and skin the
horse.
W hate Is
Almond Eye
dcadT asked
the Irishuau.
What bust
ness OF yours H.
itT replied
General Butler.
I'D on ask
Questions huf
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
Buffers Oder Was Obeyed.

General b. J.. Butler had "a horse that
he Thought great deal Of The name
OF the horse was Almond Bye An
orderly reported that the horse had
fallen into rlvine and broken bis
neck Butler felt pretty bad and he
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

New Member-Why should lend YOU
$40. sir? don't even know who you are
Old Member-Of course you don E.
That's why asked you.-Cincinpati En-.
Quirer.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
No Breed.

Eyes" said the bank president we
have a watchdog at the bank that's a
daisy"
What's his breed p
Hes Of no particular breed"
Jus: a bank-cur. ?"-Housion
Post.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

The man who loves 20 shout "hoorayF
Is persistent slayer.
when orators have uaught 20 say
Hell cheer the baseball players
-Wushlugton S.ar.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13
Points of View.

A man. said the young widow. 'usu-
ally marries woman because he loves
her"
And woman rejoined the old
bachelor. usually marries a man be
cause he asks her. Chicago News.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

What did you think OF that cigar ,
gave you It's an Admiral. you know.
We'll, Well how appropriate.
There's something about that cigar
that's suggestive of an admiral"
What's that2"
ITS Philadelphia News.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

The teaching OF music has always
been a profession OF the blind in Japan.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1905-05-13

Say. auntie. aren't the lamp-posts in
heaven near together?'-Chioago Jour
nal
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
With the Long Bolu
nON'T you wish you farmer with nothing to
- but the fall plowng and the of eighteen cows
nothing of kline? Z
Eye nature's walks. shoo'

nON'T you wish were farmer with nothing to annoy
- but the fall powng and the of eighteen COWS, to
say nothing Of kine7
dispatch from Ann Arbor announces that tsFulback
Longman can almost his weight his injured knee
right now That Of not going after hard
enough. Buck up therel
The lie Sueur News tells Of Nicoet county farmer who
went to St. Peter raised disturbance contrary the peace
and dignity the stae and then went home In the evening
called up the rural telephone informed that
had been issued for him told that he might
slider himself under arrest. He asked by the officer
whether he would to town. would he have to
after him. The farmer elephoned back that he too busy
quit work. but would plead guilty and send the by
the rural mail carrier the next day. and did The officers
time might be saved every farmer had card tackled
his barn giving list Of oenses and resultant fines Thus
he might fine himself and send the money to town without
botherng the department. to N notify him. - III.
The New York Tribune tells Of incident in one Of
the recent Russian strikes The mill hands waited upon
the superintendent Of mill and in most respectful and
polite recited their demands. Finally the spokes
man said: '.:a ...:. ~.
"Baron, have decided assassinate you. We hope
you will not feel insultedthe simply voted that way
thought ought tell you because you might feel hurt
il we had not told you beforehand"
Then the committee fled soemnly out Of the and
the director left alone to take such action he might
think fit. -.
Dead Horse in bad odor among the Sioux because he
recently made his appearance Indian society in checkered
trousers bought in Paris Dead Horse and his family
with Buffalo Bill show in Europe but returning to this
country and just before he took train from Omaha for
South Dakota he donned Paris clothes that above
the and rattle Of the train. J.. ..."
Besides the noisy paaloons, Horse discarded moccasins
and in place appeared figured brown hose and yellow
fords. His blue army shirt had resigned in favor Of
lavender and pink silk affair." But he retained his Horse
blanket and the and scarlet ribbons that bound up
hair. .@,~ T. -.
The indignation Of the besmen be understood when
Horse appeared in checkered trousers pink shirt yellow
Shoes It made several Of the older Indians SICK There is
talk Of expng Horse from the tribe the ground Of his
noisy rament Hole-in-the-Els remarked succnctly:
'Hoss pants heap bad medicine' "A. J. R.
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
A FASHIONABLE DINNER,

AIRY LEHR, who would have succeeded as a dialect
comedian the stage, narrated in Newport Eng
lish servants description Of fashionable dinner.
''The is groom, said Mr.. Lehr "and account
Of strike among the house servants he called indoors
put into indoor livery, and hidden to help pass the
plates. = -
''This is his story Of the dinner:
"sOh, it grand. We stood in the hall, me and the
other gentlemen in livery and they flung open the folding
DOORS and out the nompions two and two,
wor quite surprised at young marster. He come
out with skumpy old girl, almost old enough to be his
grandmother; and there Miss Mary aookn beau
u with flowers and feathers and bits o. glass asparkn
made mistakes except giving old gentleman
mustard wrong de and usta few drops Of gravy down
unbeknown lady's back -
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
What the Market Affords

DEST creamery butter, Is cents a pound.
u Eggs, 20 cents a dozen. -. -:
Cucumbers, two for cents.
Egg plant, to 10 cents each.
Green corn, Is cents Dozen. >s.s*.j"
Green peppers, 10 to Is cents dozen.
Wax beans, 10 cents pound"
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
BAND MUSIC 50 BAD
\ IT KILLED HIS HORSE
Journal Special Service.

Journal Special Service.
Chicago, Oct. Prank T. Mead,
fore Justice Caverly today and obtained
a writ of attachment against Boehler' q
band Of New Orleans, which he allegef
caused him the loss Of horse.
Meads asserts that he was driving the
horse on Indiana avenue when street.
car carrying the band of musicians
passed, playing union music loudly.
"That music was so rotten that my
horse ram away and killed ITSELF" Mead
told Justice Caverly. +
Constable Reidy served the attach
ment on the musicians at the Briggs
house, and took the instruments as Sc
curity. I'd -. .-
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
What Women Want to Knop

LAIR T0NIC.-Wil you kindly give me a recipe for a
good hair tonic which will keep my hair from falling
out? No doubt you have published BEFORE have
. missed it.-A Subscriber.
Mix together pint Of best bay rum tablespoonful Of
fine table salt and twenty grains Of qunne Wet the scalp
every night with the tonic then massage the scalp for
ten or fifteen minutes.
TO REMOVE. PAINT FROM WINDoWs.-Wiu you
please tell thru your valuable Lean remove
dry paint from window glass &c A. H.
Wash the windows with cloth saturated alcohol and
It the paint does not off the first time try again.
QUESTIONS FOR TOMORROW
HIGH SCHOOL COLORS-Can you inform me as soon as
possible what the colors Of the North high school
and also the South high school7-S. C. d.
chilli sAUCEW you kindly publish recipe for chill
sauce7-A Subscriber
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
CHICoRY ENRICHEs COFFEE.

IN THE wholesale coffee house number Of max
ing and tasting after the other great many DIFF
ferent kinds of coffee and tea. -sz- -. a.
''The very best?'' the manager said "The very best
coffee in the shop? Well, wait a minute' ,S*~.~
boy brought box Of olive wood. The manager put
ter to boil electric stove In little while the very
best coffee ready-a black rich fluid, clear as AMBER
with hibubbles of oil afoat it's lustrous surface.
This coffee was delicious. small cup Of it
powerfully and pleasantly stimulating than glass Of whisky
The manager, smackng his lips, said:
M is old Bourbon Mocha mixed with chicory. It costs
$2a pound The chcory in not put there to IMPAIR
but to improve it.
For chicory erches Coffee gives body to it. In all the
best coees little chicory is present There some few
states whose food laws forbid the Of chcoy any other
adulteran We those foolish states give you the
superb and rich daugt Of coffee that you can get else
where,'' s.@a s..&.#
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
The Grocery111Qn

SSWV7 AIT till put down these here pack
~Im< w ages,'' said the groceryman to the
MMM% ~ pretty cook he tottered into the
M19WT1fG - kitchen Ell you start to huggin' me
Nf>4WI 50 I'm liable to drop the eggs" @@
HQfXSIEX<M ~~s !" "Don't worry said the pretty
%EIE~ cook. ~ can hold myself in. Where
s$@~- you been? I haven't seen you around
for the last month"; have 1?''> e. >-~....:.s
''Not unless you We been tn' around the
Sorts stoppn the palaal hotels rdn Pullman
acrost the country an cuttn swah in hghtoned society,"
you haven't me, replied the groceryman Was
at Colorado Springs Bar Barbor in the Adrondacks
rubbern at the national park the Grand canyonq If
you you an the other sports, maybe. We
wasn't hard to tell YOU When moved around
noticed Gee, but I've had fierce time!'' VI
fsWhat did you back for then?' asked the pretty
cook. :~ Il '7. - So" E~r1t." "%z.=.%s
If told you maybe you wouldn't bieve me- Sss@
''That's le,' said the pretty cook. I wouldn't be-
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
Wrinkles, w1NKLERs AND w1NKLERIEs.

ttHEsE CLAIMS Of yours-the Cherrystones especially
I are all right said English tourist, but miss
my Wrinkles - *~- - fs&g&&sz .>1z - ~*. 49, -:
tsWinklesq What are they?" ~, .'-
"Iitte shefsh The finest, sweetest morsels that the
sea gives up What beer is to German pie to Yankee
long pig canniba all that, and more, wrinkles to
Briton Good9 Well! g. :"z>2#* -: 5=.s.S @-s+.
f'The trade in wrinkles is big. -T
"The British winkle grounds winkleries the
coast the mud fats There the little wrinkles feed
by millions the seagrass and there between the tides the
wnkers pick them up winkler averages $40 week for
three hours Of work day: r. .s->A H. ~
sMany winklers lose their ves for the mud flats
treaeherous Walking them, you spashers-thngs
like snoshoes-bu your splashers won't you if you
step into patch Of the tgreen DEATH l.. r.. ~
''The green death is qncksand the marsh. A man
Will Sink ten in half hour Before you can dig
him the tide rolls up the greasy water arate with big
crabs before the ebb sets in the poor chaps bones
picked cean - s. ~ - :. WI Il. %.~>-@ =.
s~s'sYou often pick 1,2oo wrinkles hour good
''To wnke foreshore, winklery, is to be rich
in 'perpetuity 5 IL @~.@ i. @..ssy@>s. &<,.m
"any Of these foreshores have been yielding for
dred years. and their supply Of wrinkles increases annually
for the pckers can't keep up with the busy little creatures
propagation. + ~ :zn
Wnkle foreshores guarded and tended with great
care know Of several that yielded their $2O0O
year apiece" +% E"\: -&=..,..s- II. : *-z...a ~
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09

Hoodwinks the Oculist. Madden Eye
Medicin cures eyes. (Dont smart.) 25c.
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09

#s5"Dr. Lauritzen s Malt Tonic" is a
superior blood-enriching drink. AT
druggists or delivered to house. Phone
N. w., East 40; Twin City, 1899.
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09


eat an sleep eight hours about the usual What's
become Of that nice young fellow that got your
"The boss bounced him. said the groceryman .sHes
ben wrtn and telegraphin to to back the boss
has He the trade had fallen off 43 per I'd
quit him an he have to out Of business didn't
an get it back again. He said he'd got sort of
unkhead to deliver an take ORDERS but had spoiled him
for Of these ordinary plugs he must have give
this feler notice jest give in an consented
come back Anyway, there wasn't anybody hepin' him
but Jake an Sam when blew in. But don't believe I'd
have back if hadn't thought Of how dead ticked
you'd be, Evelna.' ..
"oh, I'm ticked to death, said the cook GLOW long
do think it will take to get the business back again
DON'T stay too long be takn orders than
you can deliver Have you got any good saltq''
'tWhys talk Of salt?'' asked the groceryman What
do want Of SALT you an me?''
IT don't want any, said the cook. tsIt's you I'm
thinkin' Of. -
"Hows that7'' asked the groceryman.
"Wel" !" said the cook, it strikes you re about as
fresh ever Chicago News.
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09

Few housewives realize the possibilities that lie in the
green peppers and pass them careessy by for parsnps t
nps carrots vegetables that may be secured just we'll
later in the year. The fresh vegetables rapidly disap
pearng from the Market and those that left should be
utilized before their is Oyster clam cock
tails salad be served in the red green peppers at
luncheon dinner and the bright color will add consider
ably to the attractveness of the meal. f
In all dishes of peppers select the vegetables which have
white veins carefully To fry the peppers accompa
for steaks chops hash slice them crosswise
lay them in cold for fifteen twenty minutes
Dry them and sprinkle with SALT dip in -four and fry for
five minutes They should be soft and Drowned slight
ly when cooked. 49,. >...@= .:@
Stuffed peppers made by cutting the stem ends and
removing the seeds and white veins. Prepare about pint
Of stung this may be cold cooked cereal such
rice hominy, cold cooked meat chopped ne and
breadcumbs in equal proportion simply crumbed stale
bread-any ingredients may be utilized which will give
savory result Season we'll with SALT onion juice, chopped
parsley other additions which will haronz but do
pepper the vegetable itself will supply the needed
amount. Add sufficient gravy stock to mosten
beaten egg and three tablespoonfus Of melted butter Lightly
fill the pepper shells and arrange them in shallow baking
pan If you stuff the peppers with rice, stir cupfu Of
good tomato we'll into the rice first.
delicious relish with any chafng- dish COM
pound is made of crisp thin slices Of toast sprnked with
that have been chopped the last degree
dneness and then covered lightly with very little
mayonnaise.* e. .s.. s-<@ .5.:~.-->. ~. a.. ..@.
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
NOW SCHOOL IS IN.

7.10 A.M-Tommy Truant awakes.
I.lO 7:35-He perceives it is a fine day.
7:37-He is seized with terrific stomach ache.
7:40-His groans his mother.
75O-A poultice is applied
755-No relief.
800-Much worse.
815-The hot water bag.
830-StiI suffering acutely.
. 1000-Tdmmy miracuousy healed, has taken his new.
fishing rod and is now fishing with the boy next door.
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
BARTER IN NEW ENGLAND.

A New England country store the days when fruit
"A accepted substitute for coin in small merchan
disc transactions thrifty Yankee in with egg of
the current value Of cent which he wished exchange
for darnng needle Of the price When the exchange
had been effected the customer said to the merchant Don
you treat when you make trade' This being custom in
transactions Of somewhat greater volume than the present.
the sorekeeper humorousy assented and said Why yes
what you take?" "Wa,' said the thrifty native ri
generally take port wine Still humorng him. the mer-
chant poured out the Bu say alters take an aig in
my wine! All right, said the merchant, and he broke
into the glass the egg he had just taken from his
mer which proved to have two yoks Oh said the Gus
TONER "a double yek! Ye orer give another darnin'
neede!o
POOR SEAMANSHP
rHARLES FROHMAN, in discussion Of plays and play
~ swrights, said
'1The budding playwright shows amazing ignorance.
The stock market the gold fields diplomacy, warwhatever
he takes up, he with garing Not till he has
learned his art does he perceive the essential need of ac
curacy.
1.-THE other day read manuscript play dealing with
. the sea. Such seamanship as the author displayed
ftThe captain shouted III the second the mate:
Are you bringing in the blunt end the sharp end
Of this ship7
And in the third act when the mate wanted the ship
stopped, he yelled:
@s 11ss,Whoa whcal'
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09

"Did you think I
could stay away from
you six mont's, know
in you was worryin'
about me an , wonder
in what had become
Of - asked the gro
-ceryman, pathetically.
"Did you think I
could forget you an
your . coaxin', winnin'
ways that soonq Not
much. I amt so hard
hearted as all that. I
may be sort Of thought
less, but I meter really
forgot you, Evelina.
You look: kind Of hol-
ler-eyed an thin,, too,
come to look at you
clost to. Did you miss
me so much as all
that?"
"Not SOS, anybody
else could notice it, -
said the pretty cook.
IT bore up tolerable
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
Curios and Oddities
passiu1 sfrsn~efD
TO KEEP YouNG-DR1NK SOUR MILK
IT'S passing stranxei"

GO OUR milk will ward off age. This belief, which old
fashioned folk have held for generations, now
the sanction of science, the sanction of the leading
baeteriologsts Of Europe
The speaker, physician poured from carafe glass
Of thick, white fluid, uninviting, lumpy.
'Try that = he said. It is Bulgarian sour milk The
taste is disguised"
The taste, indeed, not unpleasant It suggested
mushrooms.
cold age disease the physician continued (which
milk promises to ward off for thirty, for forty years.
Anaomists have always held that man should retain the
vgor of his until the age Of 80 100. Now that
recognize senty disease Gas instead
Of natural condition) and that we are fighting sen
y instead of submitting to it, perhaps the century
the Of 80 will be and spry as the
man of SO. is today
The philosophy Of the thng7 WE'LL the philosophy Of
the thing, put simply, is this:
Inside us, from birth, live host Of evil germs
little beings with the power hair gray, clog
liver to stifen joints and muscles to dim our
vision and Up to the age Of 40 there good
germs our blood which keep the evil in check But
at 40 the good germs to lose heart They weaken and
diminish The evil germs multiply and strengthen. And
in this between the two the evil faction gains
ground old age gains ground.
t'Sour milk filled with germs Of fermentation, intro
duces these germs into blood and they at turn
and fight for against the evil old-age germs The
fermentation germs take in-the milk we
drnkhe better keep the odage germs in subection,
and the longer ward off seniity. ~, .a ..>
The leading scientists Of the world today drink
milk regularly And many of them at go to Is,
young, to all ntents and purposes, Of 49,
Bulgaria milk daily drink Of the people.
Sour milk is to aBugaran what beer is to German. And
it is fact admitted everywhere that the Bugarans
the Iongest-lived people in the world -:
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09
KENTUCKY TOWN TO
BE Externally "DRY''
Journal Special Service.

Journal Special Service i. s. ..2
louisville, Oct. "a new town has
been laid out in southern Indiana, Du-
bois county, and it bids fair to occupy a
unique position, as one of the conditions
to property ownership is that no fer
mented liquors or intoxicants shall ever
be sold within its confines. This means
an eternally dry community. ~
The place is called Cuzzeo and is sew
enteen miles from French Lick Springs
Every deed issued contains clause that
if whisky is sold directly or indirectly
on the premises the land shall revert
to the original owners, W. H Nicholson
or his heirs. -...- -
The Minneapolis journal., 1905-10-09

Must not be confounded with COM
mon cathartic or purgative pills. Car
ter s Little Liver Pills are entirely un-
like them in every, respect. One trial
will prove their superiority. =