davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
Not Needed in Heaven.
BY HARVEY G. ELLIS, 700 G Street
Northwest.

gentleman who was very much
opposed to anyone using tobacco in
any form met an old colored woman
one day who was pIacidly smoking an
old clay pipe. the fumes of which
were very annoying to him He
stopped her and said:
"Auntie, do you think you are a
Christian"
She replied; Yes. sir; 1 'spects l
is"
He thea asked her: DO you believe
in the Bible?"
She replied; Yes. sir"
DO you know" he says, that there
is passage in the Bible whic.i saws
that nothing unelean shall enter the
kingdom OF heaven?"
Yes, she says. II have heard of it"
WeS ug dear woman" he says,
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
Three Good Stopping Places.
by FLORENCE 1z1RErr, 2ao capi-
tol Ave-, xvy City, -. q.
awarded a prize OF s1.i


Dr. Thomas A. Hoyt. the pastor OF the
Chambers Wylie Memorial Church, of
Philadelphia, was entertaining Presi-
dent Patton, of Princeton: Gen John B.
Gordon, and other prominent men at
dinner. The guests were speaking in
strong praise of a sermon the minister
had just preached, and those who were
versed in theology were discussing the
doctrinal points he had brought out Dr.
Hoyt's young son was sitting a. the
table. and President Patton. turning to
him. said; MY boy.~what do yCu think
OF your fathers sermon7 1 saw you
listening intently to IT." At which praise
Mrs. Hoyt smiled cordially. and all lis
tened what sort CT a reply the lad would
make, II guess II was very good" said
the boy; but there were three mighty
good places where he could have
stopped
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
Conditions Of the Offer.


ecdotes
figh prizes VIII awarded
Sunday Times who anecdotes
OF wel-known
n jess. - - e'
beg
be maxim
each week
opubIsh orse.
submitted.
desirable
n st be given.
a. a n prizes
O one or w sheets
n plainly the
mu e
ddressS Sunday Times
prizes winb
The
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
No Lawyers There.
BY E. q. SUYDAM, 613 II street
Northeast.

While a number OF lawyers and gen.
tlemen were dining together at Wis
casset some time ago. n jolly sop OF the
Emerald Isle appeared and called for
dinner. The landlord told him that he
should dine when the gentlemen were
done eating. Let him dine with u.s."
whispered q limb OF the law. 'and we
will have some fun with him." The
Irishman took his seat at the table
You were not born In this country?"
said one. mo, sir: I was born In Ire
land" is your father liying?" mo
sir; he is dead" What is your occu-
pation?' Trading horses" Did your
father ever cheat anyone while here ?''
i suppose he did. sir Where do your
suppose he went tor -..Fo heaven sir
''l1as he cheated anyone there ?" He
has cheated one / believe" WAS he
prosecutor He was not" said Pat
but he missed that because the man he
cheated searched the kingdom of
heaven and couldn't find a lawyer"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
Not in the Course.
- HELEN NELsoN-DoUCY, soa
massachusetts Avenue Northeast.
awarded a prize Of SD

tAWdrued a prize OF SD
Whiie travelling through Persia Mrs
Fnoebe Hearst and party visited the
English mission. After inspecting the
building, she came to the contribution
box. Here were stationed two typicai
English missionary officers. Mrs Hearst
turned TO them and said: Gentlemen.
what do you teach the heather here?'
The officer stiffened himself and said
with great show of severity and dig
nifty: Madam, we teach them the fear
of God
Mrs Hearst commenced to put gold
piece after gold piece in the contribu-
tion box. until the officers eyes fairly
bulged. Then she turned meekly and
said: Now. gentlemen, please teach
them the love of God
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
To Tell Them Apart.
BY MRS. Ida BARNES, is seaton
Street Northwest.

When Admiral Dewey was a lieutenant
aboard one of the older ships of the
navy, he and a brother officer of the
same mess secured salt and pepper shak-
ers of identical pattern. Both shakers
In each set being the same except as to
the size of the perforations. it frequently
happened that the future admiral would
find two salts" at his plate. while his
messmate would have both peppers"
or. vice versa To avoid this. the lieu
tenant marked one of each on the bot
tom with a cross and called the mess
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
A Terrible Calamity.
BY MRS NJ. sCHwEETzER, 1881
New Jersey Ave. n. W.
(Awarded a prize OF 81

lAWarded a prize OF 81
One night chaneed TO be at the depot.
A woman came In with a little boy and
as she had to wait some time for train
she got the little boy 10 sleep by telling
him a goodnight story of Adam and
Eve. She told him how they took away
one of Adams ribs and created Eve
The little boy went to sleep. but In a lit
tie while he woke up with pain in his
side.
His mama asked him what the trouble
was, but the little fellow did not seem
TO know. She insisted upon ascertain
ing the difficulty. and the boy finally
looked UP into her face and, between
sobs, said:
"Oh! dear me; 1 guess I'm going to
have a wife,
The Washington times., 1905-10-15

at his feet. but he stuck grimly to his
post. ~
A few moments later rife ball glanc-
ing along the gun-barrel of the man on
the right broke two of his fingers.
The wounded soldier dropped his gun
cursing and bowling with pain.
Ah-h, kape still yer ouId woman"
cried the Irishman contemptuously
Faith. yer make more noise over
thim too fingers than that mon did about
losing his head"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
New Kind of Band.
BY H. J. LOWE, 43o Eleventh Street
Southeast

In the early spring of last year when
the naval gun factory's newly organized
brass band was about TO perpetuate its
hrst open-afr concert at the navy yard,
the various members OF the aggregation
were comforting themselves in the
newly constructed bandstand after the
fashion of professional musicians.
Their director, who waG suffering un-
der nervous straj,-. 1Tnpatiently eiacu-
lated: "He:si here! quit gappin' at them
girls. will yeh? Wad du youse guys 'tink
dis is, anyhow-a rubber band?"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
When the Court Is Full.
ny n =. oDoNooHUE, Patent once.
WASHINGTON.

few winters back. Judge Harlan
was lecturfng to MS class in the CO.
iumbian tnow George Washingtony
Law School the point being whether
wholesale whisky dealers could ship
their wares through prohibition States.
The point has not yet been decided
py the Supreme Court" said the
judge. but it will be after Christmas.
when the cour. IS full"
At this the boys yelled. and the
Judges ruddy face became carnation-
As soon as a iull came, the Judge said
with smile, Boys, that was a case
of false construction"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
A Chicken Hearted Soldier.
ny MAE e. BAYLEE. e3s Maryland
Avenue Northehst.

II waS the last day OF the siege OF
Vicksburg. In one OF the trenches which
the Union army had pushed up close
TO the invested city was an Irishrnan
from the old country. lighting bravely
for his adopted land.
The Confederate cannoneers and
sharpshooters had got the range of that
particular trench pretty well and were
making things decidedly hot for the men
lying in the shallow ditch
small shell plowing its way
through the top OF the embankment
struck the man on the Hibernian's left
squarely In the forehead, completely de-
capitating him. The son of Erin shiy
cred as the headless body rolled down
The Washington times., 1905-10-15

II you are kinder poor. you have a lit
tie one like that: and if you amt got
any money at all. why. then. you don't
have nothing at all but a little pile o.
dirt"
And Cousin Tom subsidized. realizing
the futility of a mere Tale soph's trying
TO teach cynical worldly wisdom to a
demure six-year-old girl child
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
How He Knew.
BY KATHARINE SHELLEY TODD,
Shelbyvtl1e, Ky.

The new Massachusetts Senator, w.
Murry Crane, told the following turkey
story at a celebration last Christmas:
From November on through the win
ter season." he said, ''it is important to
know how to tell a good turkey from
bad one-a young and tender from an old
and tough bird
"A farmer once examined his chore boy
in this grave matter: Roger, he said
can you tell infallibly a young from an
old turkeyT
The Washington times., 1905-10-15

states on his desk. which he had bor-
rewed and used UP, she said some-
what sharply. For goodness sake.
Patrick, to where are you figuring that
frog?'' Sure" said Pat, I'm think
ing If the states hold out III be figuring
him clean through into u"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
STRANGE CASTOR BEAM PLANT.

No bird beast or creeping thing will
touch castor oil plant. II seems TO be
rank poison to all animals Even q goat
will starve before biting off a leaf. and
a horse will sniff at II and turn up his
upper lip as though IL had the most de-
testahle odor on the face of the earth
Locusts VIII pass IL by. though they
may eat every other green thing in
sight, and there is no surer way 10 drive
rnoles away from lawn than TO plant
a few castor beans here and tAera-
Kansas City Journal
The Washington times., 1905-10-15

boys attention to the marks and their
purpose
In few days. Mr.. Dewey again found
two of a kind at his place. each of which
however. was marked with the cross.
Upon asking the boy for an explanation.
he said. Shu nun. Lieutenant, / didn't
marked his with q cross too,
The Washington times., 1905-10-15

entered the room. No sooner had her
pet laid her eyes on ner than he re-
marked with great assumption of
eheerfulness, Il wish the old lady was
DEAD" Whereupon the parsons parrot
gravely remarked. I'VE beseech Thee to
hear us. good Lord"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15

caught her by the tail and began holding
with might and main, Sandy, up inside,
saw that everything was dark below,
and berrn following to Zeke:
'Zeke. Zeke! Zeke, What's darkening
the hole?''
Zeke yelled back: 'If my tail hold
breaks you'll find out what's darkening
the hole"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
Saw a Marked Improvement.
BY MRS. n. BEEBE, soe Twelfth
Street Northwest

Elsie, sitting on her fathers knee,
looked up into his face and said: Papa,
did God make ycu?" Eyes. dear" re-
piled her father. And did He make
Aunt Mary2" Certainly, nay dear"
replied her papa And did God make
me. too?" Yes, my dear" Well"
said the little miss, Hes turning out
better work than He used to-"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15

Yes. indeed, I can, SIR Roger an
swered.
How 90 you tell?'
BY the teeth the boy replied.
oh, rubbish. nonsense, said the
farmer, am ashamed of YOU Roger
Turkeys have no teeth
No. said Roger. grinning, but 1
have
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
Dying by Inches.
By ANNIE JOHNSON. soa FiryA
Street northwest.

-Phat the diyil's the matter wild We.
Denny? Shure, ye do be fussin' an
groanin' loike an automobile all the
tonne" 'Ar-rh. Mary Ann Oi b'lave
Ohm dyin' be inches. so OF do" We'll.
shtop groanin' thin. Shure yen lAsht
long time yet-ye're over six feet.
So ye arei'
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
No Nepotism Here.
~ 1Ex00 XB1A PALMER, 1853 g.
lumbia Road.

tAwarded n prize OF SD
Judge Bacon pronounced sentence of
death on q prisoner named Hogg. who
answered with some bravado. Your
honor, you should show mercy on ac-
count OF our relationship. Hogg is al
most Bacon
Like fash came the reply:
Yes. but Hogg is never Bacon till
it's hung"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15
No Exceptions.
BY NATHANIEL T. WonLEx, "a y
Street Northwest

Willie" said a fond mother, earnest
ly. you should go TO bed early Early
to bed and early to rise. makes a man
healthy. wealthy. and wise, you know.
you should go to bed with the sun-the
chickens so to bed with the SUM-"
Yes. l know they do mamma: bur
the old hen-she always goes with EN-"
The Washington times., 1905-10-15

YOU smoke, and there is nothing 30
unclean as the breath OF a smokef.
What do you say to that?"
Why, she replies. IT 'spects to
leave my bref behind when I go dars
, 1905-05-18
UP
ALL RIGHT
ANNUAL INSPECTION OF CADETS
BRINGS FORTH WORDS OF
PRAISE FROM INSPECTOR.
Complimented Young Mer and Women
Congratulated Military Com
mandant and Members of Faculty
Captain Heavey Performs Duty
For the War Department.

Captain John w. Heavey of the
Eleventh United States infantry today
inspected the cadets of the University
of Wyoming, in compliance with or,
ders from the secretary of war, and
returned to Fort Russell on the noon
train. The companies and quarters
were found in excellent condition, &C
cording to an involuntary statement
made by Captain Heavey, who will lat
err make his report to the war depart
ment, a copy of which will be trans
mitted by the %adjutant general of the
army Of the United States to Captain
William Yates, military commandant,
and President TIsdel of the University
of Wyoming.
The inspection vas held this morn
ing, followed by a parade Of the four
companies and grand guard mount. The
weather was excellent and the grounds
in good shape, so that there was a
large turnout of cadets and a spirited
parade of the military forces OF the
university.
After the inspection there was a
sham battle between Companies A and
B, commanded by Captains Taylor and
Smith, and a squad of attackers COM
manded by Sergeant Fred Umhauer,
who came up from the gulches and
other depressions in force, making tie
garrison use its best tactics to repel
the invaders. Several shots were fired
and the artillery corps was called to
the guns, fearing the infantry troops
would not be able to withstand the
blistering fire from Sergeant UNI
hauer's valiant fighters. Captain
Heavey could not repress a broad
smile of approval and the presence of
a thrill of genuine soldierly enthusiasm
as the battle ragged, the grounds being
taken and retaken by the %contending
forces.
Nothing official, of course, was CIV
en- out by the inspecting officer, but
several Of the members of Companies
G and D were warmly congratulated,
the girls having again acquitted them,
selves s%plendidly in the presence of
the doughty commander of one Of the
companies of the battle-scarred Elev-
enth infantry. Captain Heavey will,
it is believed, make a very favorable
, 1905-05-18
FOR TRIBES
HAS RESIGNED
SHOENFELT OF WYOMING LEAVES
SERVICE OF INDIAN DE-
PARTMENT At CAPITAL.
CIashed With Inspectors and Secretary
Of Interior Takes a Hand-Lawson
Says He Has Not Yet Prepared
Speech to Be Delivered at Kansas
C~hautauqua.

Washington, d. c., May Isl. Blair
Shoenfelt of Wyoming, who has been
agent to the five civilized tribes in the
Indian territory for the past several
years, has resigned. His resignation,
which was received by Secretary
Hitchcock, was accepted, and D. H.
Kelsey of Missouri, at present chief
clerk of the inspectors office, has been
appointed to succeed him. 1t was
stated at the department that Mr..
S%hoenfelt's resignation is the result of
differences between himself and the
inspectors of his administration of the
union agency. These clashes became
so acute of late that Secretary Hitch
cock, for the good Of the service, took
a hand in the matter, which resulted
in the resignation of the Wyoming
man. Secretary Hitchcock wants it
distinctly understood that Shoenfelt's
administration of the union agency has
always been above suspicion, and that
the honesty of that official has never
been questioned.
, 1905-05-18
SHEA SAYS HE HAS NOT CONSlD-
Erred ARBITRATION BE-
TWEEN WARNING
FACTIONS.
Will Not Submit Question as to
Whether Transfers Shall Deliver
Goods to soycotted Firms-Presi-
dent Gompers and Local Leaders
Spend Forenoon Trying to Reach
Agreement for Settlement.

Chicago, ILL.,, May 1S.-Hope of imme-
diate peace between the warning strike
factions was shattered today. when
President Shea fatty declared that he
had not considered arbitration of any
form between the team owners and the
Transfers union, and that he would
not agree to arbitrate the question
of where the transfers should deliver
goods to the b%oycotted houses. The
declaration came as a complete sur
prise, as it was practically conceded
last night that a settlement, had it not
been reached, was at least about to be
agreed upon. There will be no back
door settlement" said Shea. when |
am beaten, l shall come out and
saw So"
, 1905-05-18
JUNEAU MAN
JUMPS SITE
SEEKS TO ACQUIRE TITLE TO
FULL BLOCK VALUED AT
FOUR THOUSAND.
School Building Erected Number Of
Years Ago and School Maintained
for Education of Natives by Gov
eminent or City of Junsau-Ander-
sons Action Condemned.

Oscar Anderson and Alyce Ander.
son, his wife, have jumped government
reservation No. 3, Juneau townsite, on
which is located the native school
building, and will attempt to acquire
title under the Alaska homestead laws,
says the Juneau Record Miner. A
survey has been made by Anderson
and he has lumber on the ground pre-
paratory to the erection OF a small
building. The tract comprises a full
block and is worth about $4,000. A
school building was erected on the
property a number of years ago and a
government school for the education
of natives has been maintained ever
since by the government or the city of
Juneau.
Some years ago some parties at
tempted to jump part of the land, but
were promptly elected by the govern
ment, and as the property has long
been set apart and recognized as a
reservation for governmental purposes
and in use by the government for many
years for school purposes, II is not
likely that Anderson will be allowed
to go very far with his claim before he
encounters trouble.
Anderson's action is vigorously con.
demned by the leading citizens, and II
is hoped that the district attorney will
take immediate action to Dust him
from the reservation.
, 1905-05-18
DEPARTURE OF ROJESTvENSkY
REVIEWS EXPECTATION OF
AN EARLY BATTLE
ON THE SEA.
Taken To Mean That He Has Filled
His Coal Bunkers, Resupplied His
Fleet and is Now in Good Condi-
mas Army Restores Railroad from
Port Arthur.

Toxic, May 1S.-The departure Of
Admiral R~ojestvensky from Hon Koe
bay renews the expectations Of a nava
battle in the near future. His depart
ure is taken to mean that he has filled
his coal bunkers, resupplied his Heet
and is now in good condition to take
the aggressive.
The story that Rojestvensky had ap
piled for relief from duty owing to poor
health is authoritatively denied. 1t is
conceded, however, that the great ad
miral is suffering from his health, and
it Is believed he will be relieved from
duty. The fact Of Vice Admiral Bril-
eff being ordered east is taken as con,
firmation of this.
In the event Of Russian success in
the approaching naval battle, it Is said
Birileff will take over the supreme
command Of the naval forces in the far
east and occupy a post similar to the
late Admiral Makaroff at Port Arthur
and Admiral Skrydloff at Vladivostok
, 1905-05-18
is CHOSEN,
Conductors Conclude Convention Work
for Two Years,

Portland, Ore, May 1S.-Memphis,
Tenn, was selected as the convention
city for the Order Of Railway Conduc-
tors two years hence, after a spirited
contest, in which Boston was Memphis
principal competitor. The conductors
also decided that when a member with
draws from the order his benefit insur.
ance ceases. The convention conclud-
ed its work of choosing officers by
electing the following: J. w. Crocker,
Portland, Ore, grand inside sentinel;
o. l.. Rolfe, Monolava. Mex, grand
outside sentinel; J. e. Archer, Hous-
ton, Tex, member of the executive
committee, and w. J. Dearbin, Milwau-
kee, Wis, n w. H. Burd, Cleveland,
o., members of the insurance commit
tee. The order adjourned sine die and
the members left for their homes.
, 1905-05-18
WANTED
IN PERU
BROTHER OF LARAMIEITE Of
FERED GOOD POSITION IN
SOUTH AMERICA.
Wanted for Assistant Superintendent
Of Cerro De Pasco Railroad In
Peru, at Stiff Salary, But Declines
for Reason That He Has Better
Position In Nevada.

E. d. Hiskey, assistant cashier of the
First National bank, this morning re-
ceived a letter from his brother,
u. U. Hiskey, of the San Pete
Valley railroad, notifying him that
their brother, j. NJ. Hiskey Of Austin.
New, had been offered the position Of
assistant superintendent of the Cerro
DePasco railroad, in Peru, South
America, at a salary of $175 a month
and expenses, but that he had declined
it. as he had a better paying position
with the Nevada Central railway at
Austin, and that the prospects in that
state were bright.
Mr.. Hiskey Is only 20 years Of age.
and learned telegraphy in the office of
the Great Western railway at Marshall.
town, Ia, going from place to place un-
til he was given his present excellent
berth with the Nevada Central. He
spent one summe here with his broth
ers, E. D. and w. E. Hiskey, going
from here to Salt Lake and from there
to Nevada.
U. U. Hiskey has just returned from
Los Angeles. where he had been with
a party of Salt Lake gentlemen as. the
guests of Senator Clark Of Montana in
an excursion over the new Clark road
to the coast. He brought back a num-
Der of mementoes of the trip, including
orange blossoms, one of which the Lar
annie brother wore in his buttonhole
this morning.
, 1905-05-18
believed that they will be added to the

believed that they will be added to the
list.
Several babies have been entered
already and more are being suggested,
so that from present Indications there
will be a large number and a very
lively session with the future kings
and queens Of the community. The
committee will see that the babies are
properly entered and advantageously
placed in the hall, its responsibilities
~ceasing from that moment, SO that by
the time the awards are made the
members will have taken to tall tim
Der for an indefinite stay. 1t is whis-
pered that some of the unmarried
young men Of the community are figur-
ing on offering premiums for the baby
that cries the least and has the broad
est smile when 1t Is asked to go to the
arms of the waiting and willing young
bachelors. The report that Arthur c..
Jones, George Harvey. George Powell.
John Prick and Carl Jackson are at the
bottom Of this move could not be
verified.
, 1905-05-18
KING OSCAR WILL RESUME.
Believed He Will Take Reins Of Gov
eminent June I.

Christiania, Norway, May 1S.-The
Dagblatt expresses the belief that
King Oscar will resume the reins of
the government on June l.. This is
regarded as a semi-oficial intimation,
means probably that King Oscar H.
tends to sanction the Norwegian COD
sular bill, thus assuming direct respoHs
sibility for an act calculated to irritate
his Swedish subjects. rather than leave
the responsibility on the shoulders Of
the crown prince regent.
, 1905-05-18
DECLINED INVITATION TO
VISIT BRITISH MUSEUM.

Mr.. W. H. Reed, the paleontologist
OF the University of Wyoming, has
been compelled to decline an invitation
to be present at British museum upon
the occasion of the presentation to
that institution of certain fossils from
this country by Andrew Carnegie. Mr..
Reed IA instrumental in finding and
mounting the bones, and would great
ly enjoy the opportunity to see them in
that great museum.
, 1905-05-18
RETIRING MODERATOR OF PRES.
BYTERlAN GENERAL ASSEM-.
BLY, OPENS THE WI
MONA CONVENTION,
New Moderator to Be Chosen al After
noon Session, Candidates Including
Pennsylvania and Missourian-
United Brethren Ready to Merge
With Congregational and Metho-
dist Protestant Churches.

Winona Lake, Ind, May 1S.-The
general assembly Of the Presbyterian
church opened this morning with a ser.
mon by Rev. Addison Henry, the retir.
ing moderator. A new moderator will
be elected this afternoon. The candi-
dates are Rev. Moffatt of Washington,
Pa, and Rev. John Fenton of Jefferson
City, Mo. Justice Harlan is busy ex-
plotting his scheme for a national Pres
byterian cathedral at Washington,
d. G.