The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-06-04
THE REFLECTIONS
OF a KNOCKER.
Various Ways of Conquering America,
BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS.

eggs in six styles fifty years
ago We of today eat them iu
six hundred and six, and
every blessed one of the new varieties
Is as French as it is destructive of di-
gestiOn. Redface. So with fish. flesh
and fowl Ninety-nine per cent of our
food these days Is la this or la that
French sauces, my boy. cover a multi
4 tude Of gaStrOnomic sins. and no am
mUnitiOn that speeds from the guns Of
an enemy bearing death to those to
I the fore IS SJITeT Of its mark ultimate
" than these insidiOUs attacks upon the
inner man that come to US in friendly
SuIse- What is the result? We have
gradually allowed ourselves to be
enmeShed in d web Of French cooking
which means one Of two things Dys-
pepSia or starvation. We are being at
tackled beneath the belt, and back of
Il all / seem dimiy to perceive a das-
+. taTdiy attempt at our destruction by
the sons of France. They are wise and
subtle people over there and they are
accomplishing slowly with their sauces
and their confectionS, aided and abet-
ted by the secret ptomain which these
sauces conceal. what even Napoleon
himself with the armies and navies Of
all Europe combined back of him could
not accomplish in all the centuries that
are to come Mark my words, RedfaCe,
when the American people yield up
their deStinies to France it will be
through these secret efforts of their
chefs. not through the strategy of their
marshals OF the force of their arms"
How about Germany" queried Red
face.
Germany VIII do it by a COUP d
etat,' said the Knocker. The plan is
TO acquire this country peacefully. and
not by waT-Iike means. That is why
the German emperor is so war-like in
his pTetenSiOns. Merely to blind us to
his real intentions. He keeps US busy
! watching his war operations, his ships,
/ his armies. his new uniforms. and his
! militant speeches. Meanwhile he is
sending thousands of his people over
here to settle down and engage in bus
mess and every now and then he
makes test Of American feeling to
see whether the time is ripe for him to
/ annex US. He sent Prince Henry over
here and 7 declare to you / thought
our time had come. For four weeks he
was practically in control of the army
and navy He had Chauncey Depew
and Bob Evans chained to his chariot
! wheels. Everywhere he went he re-
ceived the ovation of a Roman con-
querOr returning to his native land
Every wish that he expressed. every
command that he uttered was prompt
/ iy Obeyed. Every body was German
/ during that four weeks. even the Irish.
and all for the prince. DO you not
shUdder to think what will happen
/ when the emperor comes himself?
/ Whenever I write the word destiny
/ my boy. I am afraid to look at it close
4 ~ for fear that I shall find the phrase
{ made IN Germany engraved upEn its
back And 50 il goes Russia is slow
/ ~ but surely c0lOnizing the East side
I ct New York. and Itaiy-WeIi ] fear
/ Italy as much as any of them for il
/ has two forces at work: the organ
! grinder and the banditti. The organ
/ grinders are gradually grinding the
/ United States into lunacy with their
| barrei-organs, and the banditti are
merely waiting. bidinE the time when,
! following in the footsteps of Morgan.
some American millionaire who owns
/ the country can be captured and ne!d
| for ransom
''TUshr' calculated Redface IF that
were true, why don't they grab J. P.
/ NJ"
Because they're using him for a
I lure" said the KnOcker. 'TThey reason
/ that if they let him 90 in safety Rookie
Teller may come over feeling himself
| secure. and then they'll have US for
( sure. They'll nab him. hold him for
all he's got and we shall become a
/ bandits possession"
Il don't see how you figure it out. 3"
I said Redface.
/ IT'S simple calculation. Rookie
feiler owns the United States, and
they'll make him fork over or they'll