Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-05-27
GOAT RAN THE RANCH

well, WELL" volunteered the sandy
comp1ect\d person as the Chevy Chase
car pui1eN out from The lake the other
morning; |1f it amt one thing It's an
other
Huh" cbmmented the man with the
Specs "Hkns must a-foo1ed you this
mornin', and yuh didn't git no aigs."
'Perchance the cutworms put your
blue-eyed youth with the broad as and
the slang proclivity.
By this time the other amateur farmers
of the book taught Billlins sect were sit
ting up and taking notice.
"'Tain't nuther hens ner cutworms
what's botherin' me- growled the per-
son with the orange countenance who had
started the entertainment. Its goats
About a week ago l bought goat of the
real buttinsky type for that Oldest boy of
mine, seems he wanted something 10
play with nice and harmless. Well sir,
when that goat walked in my front gate
the first chapter of another book of trou-
bles was begun. In his early youth the
beast must have devoured de luxe edi-
ton of The Strenuous Life, and. take my
word for it., the best part Of the volume
buttin' in, If that goat wasn't as devoid
Of manners as a cows back is of feath-
erS.
JOHIl-tHdl my DOy-ftdo Ssfei di iItoie-
to-heart dialogues with Billy, and endeav-
ored to steer his course into the straight
and narrow, but there was nothin dom
Billy, however, was Is hard headed inside
as he was out and he turned to John the
scornful Now my boys got wad o
sentiment that he comes by naturally, so
when the animal got chesty he felt disap-
pointed like and started for the house. His
whiskers. the goat, started for the same
destination at the same time, and being in
more of a hurry than John was, John re-
ceived jolt that made his teeth chatter.
Ever since then that lad of mine has been
taking nourishment from the mantel and
sleeping face down.
when heard all the dstressful circum-
stances, me for the goat, says I. For half
an hour l tried to inject some predigested
etiquette into the hayward beast, but he
would have none of 1t. He wagged his ears
and shifted the atmosphere, and /, being a
good judge Of when things are goin' to
happen, took to the timothy. Well, amt
as active as In the good old days on the
plains and can't push the sod from under
me with as much rapidity you might
suppose
bill, with that de luxe of The Strenuous
Life in his craw, embarked on the same
course your humble servant. To be
sure, he started later, but he travelled on
better schedule and as were both NOV
ing on a single track, Bill caught me about
three feet from the kitchen door. This
part of the story is said to relate. Suffice
it to say that if Prof. Langley could "a seen
me cover that last three feet to the kitchen
he'd got some new ideas about aerial
transportation business. When it comes to
cutting a swath in the gentle atmosphere
and causing culver among the ethereal
waves, 1 had Santos Dumont beat to a
fragile. l believe-and l come by this
knowledge through the stern school of prac-
teal eXperience-that the one element lack
ing to enable us critters to fly is sufficient
force at the beginning-even if you get it
at the beginning of a goat.
INT ting nnt IN n-rh nir,ff
no goat in Montgomery county that can
treat me the way Bill did and get away
without being rebuked. Hanging up in my
den was an old cavalry saber that did
good service in the COS south of the Mason
and Dixon, and although it seemed a sac
rilege to shake the dust from the scab
bard, l hauled 1t down and marched back
into the arena for the purpose of conclud-
ing the career of the amiable Bill. But the
beast had suspected something and had
nibbled an exit through the wire fence.
when l arrived in the yard Bill had
reached the salad course in my neighbor's
garden, and was putting away lettuce
leaves for fair
MY neighbor-the altitudinous youth Of
mustard plaster fame, of whom 1 have al
ready related sad and sorry tales-saw the
goat and did the hurry and quick to the
porch accompanied by a shotgun of no
diminutive proportions.
Whats this mean?" says he.
Shoot him. says 1.
I WILL says he, throwing his armament
to the horizontal. Now, my tall and cum
bersome neighbor never was properly intro
duced to a firearm. and when the smoke
had cleared away l had seven choice bird
shot in my anatomy. Billy, the amiable
had backed up a couple of PAGES and teth-
cred his whiskers to another head of let
tuce. My sharpshooter friend had fallen
through a screen door and was being re-
yiyed by the cook lady. William, broad
and husky dark-skinned gentleman-hus-
band to the cook lady-seeing the dreadful
possibilities of the situation leaped out of
the kitchen window and with one of those
terrible North Chevy Chase war whoops
descended upon the beast in the garden.
Talk about Ursus and the bull, why
that stunt looked like a penny side show
compared with the open-air rough house
of William and the goat. And the garden
we'll the less I say about that the better,
seems 1t cost me $40 to pay for the green
grub that was tossed to the daisies. But
William had read few stanzas OF me
Strenuous Life himself and he showed Bill
Tvs nose SO far down IN the soil that he
looked like an ostrich hiding from the
enemy. Finally We Gained the beast, and
t.I delegates William to remove him at once
to the freight station at the lake, with In
structions that he be shipped back to the
kind gentleman from whom l had pur-
chased him.
In order to facilitate matters 1 placed
a good stout cord around Billy's neck and
to it attached a tag bearing the dealer S
name and address. The next day was sun
day. and Monday I took holiday. Tues
day when l came back from work heard
familiar sound emanating from the
freight house. and sticking my head IN the
door l saw the amiable Bill, complacently
Sharpening his molars on railroad spike
I asked the fellow that runs the place:
"'George why amt you shipped that
goat to town.
George looked at me foolish like.
"'Cause' SAYS he ''cause dat air goat
done ate up whar he was gwfne.
Just at this Juncture there was move
ment among the occupants of the smokers
division of the 1884 and it looked as though
the person with the orange countenance
might be roughly handled. But the man
with the goat was game.
And that amt ALL" he went on. as the
car swung around the curve at 14th ana
T. streets "a friend of mine was with me,
and SAYS he to me: How much do you
want fer your goat?' Five dollars says L.
bought says he, provided you'll denver
him sa fe and sound in my back yard. NOW:
my friend lives right near the road, ana
saws I: III lead him to your back yard
M self and get rid of the critter.