The Greeley tribune., 1905-08-17
SATlRlCUS TAKES
A TUMBLE.
Elysian Fields, Dog Days,

Editor The Tribune:
| have recently Joined the Panama
contingent. do not mean b this
that am about TO depart TO Pan
anna to assist in digging the great
canal. oh no. Not that. ! have
in my time helped dig toe many
bitches of smaller calibre IL a bet
ter country, than to banker after a
job of that kind. But / meant TO
say that have Joined myself TO
that small but very select number Of
the citizens of Greeley who have
given themselves over to the Panama
hat. had for years longed for the
time when great wealth and the
exalted station it permits in society
would warrant the necessary ex-
penditure and its consequent acguisi-
tion, and l got there. You have
probably noticed us. l mean the
hat contingent. We comprise every
known variety of the cocked hat
from four dents and a high peak to
the simpler two dents and a bump
between aud turn up behind, OF
course they cost more money than
other hats, and get dirtier sooner
and look meaner than any Other hat
known to civilized or unciyilized
man: but a shrewd aunt of mine said
to me once when / was a sma boy.
"Quintus Satiricus," said she al
ways wear good hat and good shoes
and it won't make much difference
what else you have Oh, you wi look
we'll dressed l treasured it up:
it took me long time to get there,
but have arrived.
Going to Denver the other day
and being 'chock foil, as the west
ern congressman said, with my new
hat, fell to making a profound
study of hats. There were broad
brims and narrow brims, and creased
and crumpled crowns, and low tlat
crowns, and over on the other side
of the aisle from me there sat a
gentleman who had innocently, |
presume, purchased one of those
base limitations of the noble Panama
head piece, that are known as OF
Textile fabric'' construction 1t
was better looking hat than mine
and l was compelled to mentally ad-
nit the fact. But knew it cost
but fifty cents, whereas mine had
cost ten dollars, and thus | was
enabled to look down upon the man
with profound contempt.
had In mind for some time the
idea of shaving off my mustache.
Boards and mustaches are hardly
bearable now and it requires much
, independence of character to main
, tain ones principles. Now and then,
+ 1t Is true, we find some young man
just bulging into life's arena, as
+ may say, who totally disregards pub.
, lie sentiment in this direction. l
3 met one the other day who sported a
r full beard, neck whiskers included.
Perhaps he was not so much exhibit
ing his independence of character as
displaying his egotism; at all events
, his appearance was startling. There
was before me the indubitable proof
of Darwin's famous theory OF the
Simian ancestry of man. took
, one quick glance at him and deter
, mined on the instant that my mus
, tache must go. Then the next day
+ met an intimate acquaintance OF
, long standing who had succumbed to
fashions dictate and appeared now OH
the streets clean shaved for the first
time In a quarter of century. His
aspect was simply appalling. l
rarely compliment man or woman on
, personal appearance, but | told my
friend In this instance very frankly
that he looked like Satan sued for
murder. And l changed my mind
, about my mustache. Society will
have to excuse me. The fact is,
that when a man has lived in one
, state, and one county, and one town,
and on the same street, and in the
same house for thirty-iive years, the
ordinary humdrrm people about
him acquire. or think they do, pro-
perty rights in his personality, and
they resent any change in his habits
or dress. Suppose now, to illustrate
my idea, that Colonel White should
in obedience to the dictates of fash
ion, cut off those magnificent burn
sides which all who have known
him have been accustomed to regard
as part OF his personality for more
than the average Iife time of man.
Or, suppose that Oliver Howard i'm.
bued with conscientious sense of
duty, or with sudden Inclination
TO appear risky and youthful, should
cut on that superb flowing beard
that has hidden the pulsations of his
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