West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1905-04-27

the party we cannot hope TO succeed
Gov. Dawson, Senator Scott and
myself have been provided for for
the next four years, but Senator
Elkins is in dire need OF success.
From all over the State we are re.
ceiving letters of lamentations from
the piemen that Senator Elkins has
formed a trust in promises and the
piemen are organizing to burst the
Elkins Trust in Promises. / must
say that tins is the most trouble
some proposition that we have had
TO deal with since we placed the
new tax laws on permanent basis.
After due consideration we have
advised Senator Elkins to have the
Associated Press to announce that
the Elkins Trust in Promises has
surrendered its charter and gone out
Of business at the earnest solicita-
tion of his many friends, who have
been called TO the mourner's bench
for self-preservation. This, we be.
lieve, will restore harmony among
the piemen.
The declinauon Of the Hon.
George Caesar Sturgiss to not per,
nit his political gonealogy to be
peddled over the Second Congress
ional district by the antagonislic
spellbinders and newspapers has
cast gloom over the administra-
tion family. HIS work In urging
the poor people to adopt the new
tax laws as the only means of escap-
ing political bondage has been the
theme which has been foremost on
the lips of our family since the an
nouncement of our glorious victory
on November Sth. With voice and
pen Bro. Sturgiss was untiring in
his urgency. He was so earnest in
pleading with the poor people that
he frequently denied himself the
necessary crackers and sleep which
were so essential to keep the
larynx, the diaphragm and the alb
domen IN touch with the explana-
tion of the new tax laws. We were
hopeful that he would accept the
Congregational nomination, for to
quote his own language: "And |
believe l could get the nomination
if l desired it, and could be elected
by a handsome majority" is in
harmony with the message which
Gov. Dawson and myself sent Bro.
Sturgiss when we learned Of the
vacancy in the old second. We are
making a speciality of providing pie
for our political family, and as Bro.
Sturgiss is one of the oldest mem.
bers of the family, one who has
grown grey in lecturing on pieology,
we felt that the time had arrived
when we could give him this choice
pie and cause no family friction.
His declInation has aroused a sus-,
picion among US as to his sanity.
The matter is new up for invcstiga-
tion. It's one of the investigating
committees that will be permitted
to investigate.
AT our last midnight conference
we disinherited Bro. Elliott North
colt. He will never taste another
pie this side of the celestial shore.
He has brought disgrace and humll-
iauon upon our family of piemen.
He posed before the Roosevelt cam
era for a martyrs picture, but we
have turned the picture to the wall.
There will be no more hash-light
pictures in our generation. It is
one Of the mysteries which we are
unable to solve why Bro. Northcott
should have told President Roose
welt that he could not digest the
Collectorship pie. 1t is among the
dantest pies that we have to set be
fore the family. 1t is perfectly
seedless and guaranteed to not pro
duce the collie or gout.
l want to say to our friends back
in Preston that Gov. Dawson and
myself are enjoying splendid health.
The only thing we have to look after
these days is the new tax laws and
pies While up at the State House
a few nights ago conversiug on our
favorite topics the Governor remark
ed to me, his face beaming with
malice towards none aud charity FOR
| all.
Rambler, the people Of West
| Virginia will never be able to repay
me for the many acts Of Kindness ]
have done them. Ny new tax laws
will be a greater monument to my
memory when / take my departure
and knock at the gates Of ST. Peter
than the people can erect in marble
or bronze. The marble and bronze
would crumble and tarnish by age,
I huf tho rrrr &c. -