davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
HUMOR OF TIE DAY

I hadn't been introduced to him. I'VE
minutes before he began to talk so
And you didn't like that. eh2"
"Of course I did. If a mans an idiot I
like to know it right away.'-Catholic
Standard
Reggy-Ah. Miss Wose. love you so
deeply that even when I think of YaW
Miss Rose (yawning5 -But-but can't you
keep up with your mind, Reggy ?-Chicago
yes, Smith has been going with that
girl for nine years. I wonder what she
would say il he should propose?"
shed probably say: on. this is so sud-
dem Houston Post.
Cecil-Arthur. dean boy. I'm awfully in
love with Miss Wose! Tell me how to
Arthur-,KeeP away from her as much as
possible, dear boy--Chicago News.
Does the new member know anything
about horticulture
well, replied Senator Fadger. thought
fully I don't know about that part of It,
but understand he has grating down to
a science. "-Milwaukee Sentinel.
and remember" said the car to his
troops, when you once go to battle, never
turn your face from the enemy
But, your EXcelIency,' replied the Rus
sian general, my men cant make, any
sort of time at all running backwards. -
Yonkers Statesman.
The hostess had been coaxing a young
lady to sing, but to no purpose. What DO
you think Of a girl who can sing and
won't sing?' she asked OF bachelor
Il think" replied the bachelor guest,
that she's worth a dozen girls who cant
sing and viii sing. Chicago Daily News.
Farmers Daughter Ito Easter holiday
cvciist. who had just finished drinking a
ola # e7xfD1T77ed r1ilfrh--TV0a1Id
Johnny-Er-no, thanlxs-er-I shouldn't
like to deprive you Of It.
Farmers DauEhter-Oh, don't mention
it. We give 1t all to the calves.-Punch.
Police Justice-You say you are a coll
lege graduate and yet here 1 find you
charged with drunkenness, disorderly con-
duct, assault, melting to riot and resisting
an officer. A college graduate, indeed!
What have you to say?
,Prisoner-Nothing, your Honor-except
that had forgotten that wasn't still in
college-Cleveland Leader.
Little Willie was asked by his mother II
he had thanked Mr.. Thomas for taking
him to drive No answer The question
was repeated; still no answer. At the
third question WIllie~said IN a whisper;
Yes, but he told me not to mention it,
-Pittsburs Dispatch
II saw. Scribble some American Million
aire has bought the original manuscript OF
Paradise Lost for SIS. 600
We'll he's been buncOed, that's all
There amt an edItor living thatli print
the thing. PUCK.
Edvthe-Dfvorces We'll I never! What
grounds can shef possibly naFeE
Mae-The veryE best a quarter section
IN North Dakota ard a three acre plot IN
NewDort.-Puck
THE FIRST GAME IN THE SPRING.
There was Eladness in his manner
And flush was upon MS cheek
As he pFaetised with his driver
And his loftier and his cleeS;
Then he teed the bail and started
All, how Fate SIN tries our souls!-
He brought in q score OF so
For the first nine holes.
Chicago Record-Herala.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
re EDITORS RECEPTTON.


The editor stood in a spacious hall.
IN a swalloWtal coat starched shirt and
The crowd fled past him in close array,
ana every man had a word to say.
Hello. cid man" said the nrst to pass.
Don't you know your old friend Veritas?
snake hands with Justitia.' Glad to
Put 'er therel I'm Pro Bono Publico,''
I'm Constant Reader. oh, by the bye
GU remember me: I'm Wox POpuli.'
hurry up therei Don't stand in the way.
\ our nlpPer, old chap! I'm your friend,
Fair Play"
Then Old Subscriber and One Who Knows
ana FAX Vobiscum trOd on his toes.
inquirer and Vindex Wrung his hand
and ouzzed in his ear to beat the band
Then "a, came Well wisher. One Who Was
Am1ocus. Candor. Truthful, Beware.
E1dus Achates, A Grateful Guest
MI Desperandum and all the rest
Then Many Voters came trooping along
AND gathered around him a hundred
strong.
They seized him. In tones of thunder they
And then the editor ahrieked-and awoke.
Chicago Tribune.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
JAYHA WKER JOTS

The Hessian fly is reported in Cloud
county.
It is as hard to keep track of the
new churches to be built in Kansas
this summer as it is to count the new
telephone companies.
Up at Clay Center some jointists
were convicted and fined, but the iail
sentences were suspended. This is
good way not to enforce the prohibi-
tory law.
A Fort Scott boy got his father to
invest in a lawn mower for him re-
Gently and he took contracts to keen
all the neighbOrs' lawns in good or
der. He has already made enough to
pay for the mower and has a good
profit besides
$50 many of the close political
friends of G. f. Scott and Charley
Curtis have been urging Governor
Hoch to enter upon prohibition cru
SADIE" says Frank Raney, that the
governor is beginning to wonder if
significance. All three of the gentle
men mentioned have an eye on Bur-
tons place"
Do you remember the hero of that
jack rabbit story Tom McNea1 has
been telling for the last twenty years
about the rabbit that took a drink
of drug store whisky and then went
Well that rabbit has been located in
Doniphan county. It is claimed that
he ticks every dog and cat that comes
around him.
Trube Reese, q Smith Center stock
shipper, paid out $57, 588 to the farm
ers of that locality during March and
April. This is an average of more
than one thousand dollars a day for
every week day in the two months. In
the course of year Mr.. Reese pays
out about 100000, and he estimates
that the ten shipping points in Smith
county pay the farmers about two
million dollars year for live stock
alone.
Just because Charlie Holiday sug-
gested to a Topeka. Y. M. c. A. build
L ing committee that it suggest to Gov
ernor Hoch that he suggest to Tom
Lawson that the latter contribute a
little matter Of $4,000 for the Topeka
Y. NJ. c. A building, few envious
Kansas newspapers are turning sum-
mersaults with a severe pain. And
the only outcome of Mr.. Holidays
suggestion thus far has been that the
committee forgot to insist on the sub
scription it intended to ask from him.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
REFLECTIONS OF A BACHELOR.
IFrom the New York Press

IFrom the New York Press
It makes most any man feel honest
not to be in politics.
It's awful hard for girl not to have
an innocent look if she doesn't feel SO.
There would be a whole lot of money
in inventing something that would
make money unnecessary
A woman likes to contradict Won
when she ought not to so you won't
be surprised that she doesn't when she
ought to.
There is a sight Of difference between
being bachelor and having all his
money left over at the end of the month
to buy the girl he likes 81 worth of tow
ers and being married to her and Dor
rowing car fare from her for two weeks
before every pay day.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
as TO CRIMINAL NEWS.

There are a class of people that
argue that crime and sensation should
not be published in newspapers. They
assert that such news should have only
the barest mention. The argument is
made that printing criminal news has
a bad effect on the public.
This may be true in exceptional
cases, but as a rule publicity acts as
a deterrent to robbers and murderers
just as it does to trusts and financial
pirates. Morbid sensationaIism may
be bad thing, but a healthy publicity
given to crime, so that an intelligent
public can judge for itself as to its
cause and remedy, acts as a great
check upon criminals, and, as a rule,
serves as a cure for crime.
Egypt is a country where the news
papers are said to give only the
barest mention to items of news which
would receive a column or more of
space in our American metropolitan
papers. You know what kind of a
nation Egypt is compared with Amer
lea
Here. for instance, is a sample of
Egyptian Journalism:
melancholy Death-Ye sterday af-
ternoon a clerk who is very well
known, and in the employ of a prom
inent merchant. committed suicide in
the merchants Office by blowing out
his brains with revolver. His face
was much disigured."
It is not at all impossible that dis
sipation or ENLIGHTENMENT was the
cause of the suicide. If so, an Amer
lean journal would tell all about it.
and the moral OF the tragedy would be
| pointed out.
Here is another item, la Egyp-
tian:
"Tantah Notes-At Tantah yester-
day, George Kantikopolous returned
home unexpectedly to his wife and her
paramour, and chopped both their
| heads off with an ak"
How long would a newspaper in an
i intelligent American community last
that would give only five lines to such
news item?
1 Here is the way in which those who
are opposed to more than the barest
mention of criminal news would
handle this story, just as it is done in
Egypt:
Murder and Robbery-Madame
Cali and Madame Benefit were muir
dered by five ruhians night before last
at Zagazig. The object was plumber.
The murderers were arrested"
| How much assistance would a news
/ paper be in running down the guilty
parties if it should publish only an
item like this:
"Girl's Body Found-Yesterday the
body of a young native girl, daughter
of Hassan Eli, was found floating in
the Mahmoudieh canal. Her parents
say it was not suicide. as her rings
had been torn from her ears
An American newspaper, published
in the most highly civilized and most
Christian nation on earth, would put
all the reporters possible at work so1v-
ing the mystery of that crime and
securing clues by which the murderer
might be caught. That is the differ
ence between giving publicity to crime
and suppressing the news concern
ing it.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
Pointed PARAeRAPHs.

TFrom the Chicago News.1
Other men besides ministers marry
for money.
Some men prefer to do their hay
making by gaslight-
Every man has streak Of genius in
him-only a streak, mind you.
It's all right to nod to an auctioneer
If you wish to buy-or be sold.
It sometimes happens that a man
quarrels with his wife because she
makes UP.
What has become of the old fash
toned woman who used to roast her
own coffee?
Never Judge a mans ability as a
horse trader by the prayers he offers
in public.
A man can make or lose a fortune
while two women are saying good-by
to each other
Fortunately a mother never knows
just what the neighbors really think
of her children
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
QUAKER REFLECTIONS.

IFrom the Philadelphia Record.l
A bad sigma forged check.
Comes to the front-the bell boy.
A woman always looks on the bright
side of a mirror
The doctor can't be blamed for treat
ing his patients i'll.
Every man may have his price, but
he shouldn't let the tag show
Most Of US put our best foot forward
until we consult q corn doctor.
Time may be money. but the average
man would rather pay a fine than serve
time.
If an automobile works by horse
power, does a ballet dancer work by
foot power?
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
THE HOUSE CLEANING MUSE.

Father, dear father, come home with
me now. for ma has some carpet to
beat; she's got an the furniture out in
the yard from the front door clean
down in the street. The stove must
come down and be put in the shed,
and the yard must be cleared of dead
grass; for it's time to clean house, and
the DEVILS to pay-and the windows
sadly need glass. Father, dear father,
come home with me now and bring
some bologna and cheese; it's u o'clock
and there's nothing to eat-Pm so
hungry I'm too weak in the knees. All
the dinner we have will be cold scraps
and such. and Wen have to eat stand
ing up, too; for the table and all are
out in the yard-oh, I wish spring
cleaning was through. Father, dear
father, come home with me now, for ma
is as mad as Turk; she says you're
lazy old thing, and she proposes to put
you to work. There's painting to do and
paper to hang, and the window castings
to scrub; for it's house cleaning time,
and you've got to come home and revel
in suds and cold grub. Clifton News.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
A Spiritual Democracy.

Mankind should constitute a great
grand spiritual democracy. The divine
possibility in me is matched by that
in every other. God has no darlings in
this sense The identical possibility of
that other makes him my spirit real
brother and gives him claim upon my
fraternaI ears; hence my life must be
helpful. Service must be my highest
aim. What I have or know must be a
sacred trust for others. In fact, can
best realize my own possibilities by
helping to nurture the similar poten-
cies of Others.-Rabbi A. J. Lyons,
BROOKLYN.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
GooD FoR PINKIE.

Miss Pinkfe Hamm, daughter Of Mr..
Reuben Hamm Of Jasper, dropped in to
see We editor this week, and left dollar
with us fer a years subscription to the
finest paper in Tennessee. We air al
ways proud to have the ladies call on
US. and we reciperate all that Miss
Pinlie said of US. She has eyes like
stars. a cream de mint complexion. and
her smile reminds US of oasis in the
Dessert of Sarah. Come again, Pinkie-
Hardeman CTenn.) Free Press.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
Only Too Real.

Richard Mansfield, at a dinner in
Philadelphia, praised a brother actor
for the realistic beauty his. stage set
tings.
His doors,'' said Mr. Mansfield, ARE
real doors, with real knobs on them,
real catches, and real locks. His grass
is real grass. His looks are real looks,
his food is real food. his wine is real
wine, always. Sometimes, though"
Mr.. Mansfield smiled.
Sometimes, though, he goes a little
too far.
"Once, rehearsing a new play wherein
bricks were needed he upbraided his
property man on account of the bricks
that had been supplied.
Jenkins he beloved, you disgust
me
And he pointed, with a great gesture
of contempt, at the brick lying on the
stage before him.
g jenkins, do you think he cried.
that any sane audience would
be deceived by such a palpable imita-
ton OF brick as that?'
"And lifting his foot, he gave the
brick a tremendous kick.
Then he sat down suddenly, and took
his foot in his hand moaning. For the
brick he had kicked was a real one"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
40 RIGHT I'D.

Plenty of men viii die for their
country" said Governor Folk, not long
ago, but the man who viii live for
his city. his state and his country
every day is the man the government
needs" It is a maxim worth repeat
ing now and then, lest we forget
Duluth News Tribune.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
THE PAss EVTI..

The pass evil has received some de-
cidedly hard blows during the last few
months. People are very nearly of one
mind regarding this form of bribery, in
Kansas especially, with the exception
of the members of the last legislature.
-Leavenworth Times.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

The census taker at Hutchinson
counted 1880 people there. If the
6alina assessor cannot do as well he
might as well look for another job
tfor next year.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
EROM OTHER PENS
A THEORY.

Perhaps the decision of the United
States supreme court against New
York's ten-hour law is based on the
theory that the trusts have made
things so dear that a laborer cannot
earn a living in a ten-hour day
Duluth Herald.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
A THEORY.

A big dog died in Marion last week
and the governors paper holds up his
blaueless life as an example for men to
follow and prints a string of obituary
poetry The editor must be related to
that fellow who said that the more he
knew about men the better he liked
dogs.-JeweIe Republican.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
Will HAVE 10 HURRY.

If the Organization" in Philadelphia
expects to impeach Mayor Weaver it
should be at 1t. There viii not be much
OF the organization left If the mayor
has an opportunity to work on it for an
other week or two.-Salina Journal.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
A COMPARIsON

Marriage is like funnel-shaped
cloud. It may set you down as gently
as babe from it's mothers arms, or 1t
may slam you up against a stone wall
with a force that will bring your eyes
out. After you are once sucked into II
you have to take your chanees.-Jewell
Republican
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Judge Parker. of Esopus fame. viii
visit Chicago shortly. and now the
people of that city are afraid that
after ne sees Lake Michigan he will
be dissatisfied with the eramped swim
ming quarters AFFORDED by the Hudson
and win want to take the lake home
vita him.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
Wen Deserved RebuIze.

A Princeton man tells of a converse
ton that took place between the coach
of a football eleven and one of the play
ers. An important game was soon to
be played and the coach was, of course.
most anxious that every player should
be in the best of physical condition. But
to his disgust one Of the men, upon
whom a great deal depended If the
great game were to won seemed to be
in bad form" Taking him aside the
coach had the following heart to heart
talk with the recalcitrant:
See here, you're not looking so good!
Muscles f1abby and wind bad-awful
bad. What's the matter? Been drink
ing anything?"
Not a drop"
Then you must be smoking"
Haven't touched pipe. cigar or Gig
arctic since the training began"
"Studying?'
We'll, yes-a little"
Whereupon the coach gave vent to a
snort Of disgust. See here! You've got
to stop thati Do you want US to lose
the game ?''-Harper's Weekly.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Colonel Bryan says 1T is TOO early to
tell what will be done in 1908" He is
not aware, of course, that the New York
World has renominated and reelected
President Roosevelt. The guessing now
is on the 1912 ampaign.-Buffalo Times.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
POSSIBLY.

Why should Secretary Cortelyou care
to be president of the Equitable when
he knows the presidency of the United
States of America will be forced upon
him a little less than four years hence.
Atlanta Constitution.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
SHY ON NERVE.

An Erie young man, not realizing his
danger, recently dared a young lady to
marry him within given time. Soon
after, however. he learned that Erie
women never take a dare and the fol-
lowing morning he made his getaway
and remained out of town until after
the time limit had expired.-Erie Rec
ord.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

You will notice that when the Phila-
delphia gang gave up the struggle its
members Immediately withdrew to New
Jersey for consultation. Here's another
point for Lincoln stefins.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Instead of worrying about the Japs
kidnapping the Korean emperor the
car would better turn his attention to
the danger Of their KIDNAPPING the Rus
sian emperor.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Secretary Morton will retire July +.
and it will be just like W. r. Hearst,
who has been fighting him, to shoot
off lot Of fireworks on the Fourth in
celebration of the event.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
TAKn WARNING.

We can see where the Rochester
Union and Advertiser is right when it
says: 1.-The legislatures of all the
states should study the legislature of
the state of New York and try to be
different. "-AtIanta Constitution.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Better be thankful you are not in d
treetop yelling for some one to save you
from a watery grave. as many people
were two years ago today.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
cOTTID FEATHER HIS NEST.

the official term Of the mayor of New
York city to four years. Think what
a man of energy and resources could do
for himself in a four years job of that
kind.-Chieago Tribune.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
A MEDAL FOR VIC.

Inc Kansas delegation should meet at
1opeka and endorse Victor Murdoch for
a carnegie medal. By uniting and pull
ing together Kansas could land this
even II she has been turned down re-
Gently in the matter of consular ap-
lnt1nents.-Emporia Gazette.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
KAKSAS COMAENT
A WICHITA VIEW

1t is said that "a formerly OF Kansas
man" recently drank IS bottles of beer
at Louisville, Ky, in four hours Peo-
PIE who live in Kansas will readily I'M
deFstand4 his thirst.-Wichita Beacon.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

DR.. Parkhurst has started for
Europe on another vacation. but thus
Tar Tammany Hall has passed no reso-
buttons protesting against his neglect
of duty.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Who would have thought that Togo
would have concealed his plans from
all the world and then let the Rus
SLAMS in on them frsti
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

It is settled now. Mr.. Bryan says
he doesn't own a pillow and therefore
did not leave it in the field when he
went forth to lecture on 1.-THE Value of
an Ideal"
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

From the howl that is going up in
certain quarters you would think that |
it is a crime for the Panama canal COM
mission to try to save the peoples |
money.-Chicag News.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
uARD no SWALLOW.

If John D. Rockefeller, Jr., swallowed
some of the things he has told his Sun
day school class it is no wonder his
stomach is out of order-Baltimore Sun.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
a MEMPHIs OPTNToN.

Mr.. Roosevelt viii either make the
Republican party better or put It out
of business for q spell.-Memphis News
Scimitar.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Probably some enterprising fire.
works manufacturer will get some
Togo bombs and salutes on the market
by the Fourth.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

In the eyes OF a lawyer the disputant
with the biggest fee has the right OF
the controversy.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Thus far General Wood has kept
both the Japs and Russians from run
ming off with any Of our Philippine
islands.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Since Secretary Taft has climbed up
on the Republican state platform in
Ohio and it holds him, Governor Her
Tick feels sure it viii hold the rest of
the Republican party.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
He MADE GOOD.

Mayor Weaver of Philadelphia. IS a
self-made man. He now has chance
to show H7e world whether he did a
good job or not.-Chicago Record
Herald.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30
ASONABLE

PhiladeIphia is UNREASONABLE enough
to object to a short wait Of 81 years for
cheap gas.-Chicago Tribune.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

for Mr.. Garfield, Kansas prefers to see
what he finds out about Standard Oil.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

What do you suppose the fishers in
that British fishing feet said when they
heard the news?
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Why not just check off a couple of
hundred thousand plurality for the
Republicans in Ohio and call it over
with
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

Feels like we may have Fourth of
July weather by that time, after all
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-05-30

sword. In the case Of those Ohio bank
ers who are in the states prison.