The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-04-21
twenty seems tomfoolishness ten years

/ twenty seems tomfoolishness ten years
/ later
! feel it a solemn duty, even though
/ I have made mistakes myself, to say
/ a word about old maids. When you
/ are sonneting around as young man.
writing Of moonlight and WhippoorWills,
t you may bump up against an old maid
That is to say, she may discover what
an easy mark has settled down in her
/ neigh bOrhOOd. Beware, my son. Your
/ first sonnet to that young woman is the
powder in the gun. The next is the
/ bullet, and the third does the business
for YOU. An old maid let's go, but only
after death. Shes got fifty different
I little ways of bringing you to time, and
when your toes once strike the mark
saItpeter can't save you. You can't put
her off with milk and crackers, and you
cant stuff her with any yarns about
songsters and Pacific isles. After a
weeks honeymoon she'll see that you
sweat your collar earning pork and
beans.
And there's another pitfall you want
to steer clear of. my son. A girl may
be mercenary. but lovable; an old
maid NAV be full of tricks. but she
may make you good mother. You
can take chances with either of them,
but when it comes down to widow
fly the coop at once ana as 1ast as
wings can work. In the innocence of
nv nineteen years I escorted one home
from Thursday evening prayer meet
ing in order to make my Susan Jeal-
ous We hadn't walked forty rods
when her hook and line was Dangling
for me. She praised my auburn hair,
and I had to praise her small feet. She
praised my forehead and I had to
praise her chin. She compl1mented
my ears, and I had to speak of her
eyes.
and put out her velvet paws and my
assinine heart began to pound like the
hoof of a donkey on hard road. she
led me on to talk of sylvan dells, bah
bling brooks, and meadows green, ana
when we bumped up against a big
thistle she managed that had to put
my arm around her At her gate she
gazed at the harvest moon and sighed.
Then she looked away across the land
scape and sighed some more. Then
she remem bered that she was all alone
in the world and tears of lonesome
ness filed her eyes. OF course,
spoke words of consolation. That was
part of the game-the game to get her
head on my shoulder and sobbingly
declare that life was barren to her
without love I was bitten by a stray
dog just in time to prevent me from
asking her to be a grandmother to
me. but she didn't let the matter drop
then
For months and months that widow
was after me. I set bear traps in her
road but she stepped over them; L
her house but she escaped all the
pellets; 1 turned mad dogs down her
street but she rushed out with fiat
iron and annihilated them I had to
develop consumption and go west to
live out doors for a year to escape her,
and even then she sent me a valentine
showing too cooling doves with their
bills touching.
AS I said. my son, all kinds and
conditions of men make all sorts of
fools of themselves, but old fools like
me have got pretty near through the
mill and can advise with profit to the
listener. You can't help but make mis-
takes, but you can reduce the number.
Whenever you can't exactly make up
your mind how and what to do, get out
your jackknife, hunt around for
white pine single and sit down and
whittIe it out Before the single is
used up you'll have come to a pretty
correct conclusion. AS a matter of
fact. you'll figure it out that while you
can buy a whole bag of romance for a
nickel. breakfast bacon costs fourteen
cents a pound and a healthy bride will
eat sixteen ounces of it at a meal
Copyright. 1905. by Robert McClure.)