Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-06-10
WHY"B|LL" REFORMED
Clever Young Wife Broke
Husband of Slang Habit.
HOMEOPATHIC CURE
HAD A CHOICE LINE OF TWISTED
LANGUAGE HERSELF.
When She Handed Hubby" Few
Samples He Did the Russian
Fleet Act With Alacrity.
Il @ ME0PATHIC CURE

Inc man who HVeS OUT henSllSton WAY
climbed aboard the Washington-bound car
at the lake, rescued a biiious-iooldng cigar
from the right hand pocket of his coat and
dropped into his regular seat, chuckling
audibly
Nothing the matter with me. he assured
several of his friends and fellow COM
muters, between chortles. I'm just laugh
ing at Bill. You know Bill-lives next door
but one to me? Sure-I thought you did.
Well, Bills turned over a new leaf-and he
not only turned it over, but glued 1t down.
Want to hear about it? Well, don't mind,
seeing that the joke is on Bill and not me
this time.
Il don't have to remind you all that Bill
was pretty speedy sort of a proposition
before he pranced up the center aisle with
his best on his arm and promised to be
good. But perhaps you don't know that
among Bits many accomplishments was a
high-cass line of long-term profanity that
had the average piratical assortment dashed
to the mainstick After his marriage Bill
cut out the swift and speedy life, the high.
ball habit, and a lot of other things, ana
he likewise separated himself from most
of his Sky-rocket profanity and verbal
devil-chasers. But he'd been using strong
talk for SO long that ordinary everyday
conversation simple and unadorned, sound
ed weak, wishy-washy and unconyncing
himself with the werdest line of slang,
patois and what-not known to the human
race. He'd drift home as pleasant as you
please. sit down to dinner with his wife and
for the sake of being agreeable, conVersa'
tional and interesting, he'd get Off some
thing in the narrative line.
Suffering archangels,' he would remark
to his better half about the time the edge
was off his hunger, of all the pie-faced
Scandinavian hams that ever ate soup with
a fork, that shad-jawed, wart-nosed Brown
person is the living and eternal limit l
met the jig-gaited jack snipe on the street
this morning. and I'll be everlastingly
drawn and quartered II the four-eyed,
pumpkin-faced salamander didn't up and
tell me that he'd made $500 yesterday all
by himself OF all the forked-tongued rec
ord breakers that ever lied for the pure
and unaduiterated joy of it. he is the giddy
and beautiful extreme.
The man who lives out Kensington way
paused to emit another chuckle.
Reeled It Off serenely.
"The foregoing" he remarked to his fei-
low-commuters, lis just mild sample of
what Bill could do when he got started.
He wouldn't be mad or irritated or excited
when he delivered himself of his string of
balloon filler. Fact is, it was just sort of
natural reaction from the cussing habit.
But his wife couldn't see it that way.
She'd never heard him discourse before he
was married and she couldn't figure out
the necessity for Bills line of talk. She re-
marked on more than one occasion that Il
had become rather monotonous to hear
from four to eighteen foolish and rosy SUI
perIatives hitched to every simple statement
that Bill made and she put 1t up to him
good and strong. But 1t didn't do any good,
and finally Bill noticed that she'd quit
roasting him and had picked up few of
his choice expressions herself. He chuckled
at the idea that he'd converted her, and
then he forgot all about it.
Zone evening last week Bill drifted home
from office early, as his wife had invited
q bunch of people TO dinner-some right
formal folks, too--and Bill wanted lots OF
time to soap himself into good shape. And
when they all sat down and started in Bill
was sure enough on his best behavior. HIS
conversation sounded like a succession of
extracts from the works of Henry James
and Emerson, and there wasn't 50 much as
an inch of slang that got through his teeth.
- met that young Thomas Smith on the
| street today he observed. when dinner was
well under way. Mr. Smith is quite an
extraordinarily fortunate person, for he
had only been enjoying the delights of his
| honeymoon two weeks when his wifes
wealthy uncle died and left her several
million dollars
Wife's Language Dazed Bill.
dumping Jehosephat,' remarked Bits
| wife. In a quiet, everyday. conversational
| tone, you don't mean to tell me that that
little snip of a Jones girl with the concave
shape and chemical locks has landed
bunch of kale like that? For the love of
| the board of health If that amt a high
class joke. I'll eat my shoes
"And then, while Bill clutched at the ia
BILE cloth and wondered if he was dreaming
or just crazy, his better half smiled rem
iniscently and continued:
why she said, i remember when that
pasty-faced clothes prop with the doilar-a-
treatment hair didn't have money enough
to buy herself a hunk of chewing gum.
And now that she's collected a lot of the
cush I'll bet dollar and quarter to a
day before yesterday Maryland biscuit that
she'll put more Tugs than a retired
bruiser with three saloons. why, went
to school with her, too. and III state right
here that that girl with the misplaced teeth
and the green lamps didn't have sense
enough to break stone OF pour sanu out
of a boot
"About this stage of the game" said the
man who lives out Kensington way, chuck
ing some more. bill came near passing
quietly away. Margaret, he gasped, you
forget yourself; YOU
.If do I'll be honswaddled.' replied his
better half blitheIy, because, as l say
went 10 school with that dame and | know
whereof | speak. And as for the Smith
person she married-he is the living and
everlasting maximum ! never saw him
when he wasn't as dry as a covered bridge,
and he's had the gold cure shot into his
system four times to my positive recollec-
ton He's afraid to smoke for fear his
breatf'H catch on fire, and his nerves are
in such shape that every time he signs his
name IL rains ink in the next county. He's
welcome to her and she's welcome to him
and hope they both choke on the money.
Bill Struck the White Banner.
"Bil didn't tell what happened then"
the man who lives out Kensington way said
sorrowfully but from what I've picked
ND / think he went out in the yard and
held his head under the pump. Anyhow
when the dinner was over and the guests
had departed Bill and Mrs. Bill got together
and there was heap much talk. winding UP
In the complete surrender of Bill. OF
course it was a job on Mrs. Bits part,
|. and 1t worked to charm At present Bill
is learning to talk all over again and gives
fine imitation of man with the continu-
ous-performance stutter habit.
Its pity your wife doesn't work the
same racket on YOU. remarked the man
with the perpetual crouch. as the car
stopped at the loop.
Run along sonny, said the man who
lives out Kensington way, cheerily. "As
said before. this joke happens to be on Bill