Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-03-18
HE'S AN AWFUL BORE

Say rumbled the man who thinks
aloud and doesn't care who eayesdrops on
him. The Man Who Is Always Talking
About His Young Ones swung me for an
hour and quarter of my useful time this
morning. and I'm thinking about going
home and picking a row with my wife to
get square. The one who nailed me this
morning Is only one of large and increas-
ing tribe In this mans town. They all
know me. and they're getting so busy with
me that I can see myself. pretty directly.
getting green ticket for Lizzie's-on-the-
Branch, over yonder, Anacostia-way.
THE Man Who Is Always Talking About
His Young Ones is a sin and a shame in
our midst
HE is en- itinerant imbecile and a null
and-yoid nuisance. and he won't do at any
stage of the journey.
His whole grueling method is based upon
his presumption that his own outfit Of tow
heads comprises the only Juvenile beyy that
ever appeared upon the scene.
MulhalfS statistics. giving the exact
birth-rate of the globe by grand divisions
and continents, cannot and does not feaze
him a little Bit
gooers frames up into the only infantile
coterie that ever happened along in the
worlds history.
Now. it wouldn't hurt so much If he
knowing it, and let it go at that.
But he can't keep it to himself.
He's just got to nail you and me up
against the coping and tell US all about
EN-
He never by any possibility takes into
consideration the fact that we ourselves
have raised few of 'em, and provided EN-
with shoes and common-school educations,
and married one or two of 'em off, and that
we had our little whack at the enjoyment
of the infantile prattling stunts way back
in the days when there were wooden paving
blocks in Washington and when there was
a net hanging around the still-uncovered
top of the Washington monument
Nope, he seems to have it all doped out
that we just landed here fifteen or twenty
minutes previously from Sirius, the Dog
Star; that we never saw or heard of a
young one before, and that therefore It's
his mission to herd us into dark corners
and hand us two-hour dissertations rela-
tive to the almost weird and alarming pre-
cocity Of his little four-year-old girl who.
happening to have seen dog on the street,
points 1t out to her mamma and remarks.
with baneful brilliancy, oh, mamma, see
re bow-wow!
Moreover. you are supposed 10 laugh
real loud, you know, over these tender, ap-
pealing little variations.
mot that he will stop telling you these
delightful little things If you fail to burst
into peaIs of understandable merriment-
not at all; he'll go right on telling them to
IL
and poignant tears.
but, II you don't hold your sides and
Shrek and beg him to desIst If he would
not see you lapse into dangerous Mysteries,
he's liable to go home and tell his wife
that you're porpoise- booded, heartless
lump, and that he wouldn't be little bit
surprised If you made a practice of surrep-
titiously twisting little childrens arms just
to hear 'em holler
There is never. by any chance, as much
MI fn nno nf hi tinv,c
about his young ones as there is to a yard
Of rag carpet.
But that doesn't estop him any
He goes right ahead pouring 'em out to
you, and he always slaps his thigh over the
stories, and the tears of pure ecstasy flood
his lamps and overflow. and it doesn't take
more than one-siXteenth of an eye to see
that he considers each and every one of his
young ones sort Of walking Joe Miller's
Joke Book when it comes to hot wit
He generally leads you to the slaughter
when you are suffering from neuralgia or
from the dismal consciousness that you
didn't play that big Jackpot properly the
night before; and If you are weak and
wabbly enough to permit even the ghast-
Hest flicker of a smile to tric1le across
your mobile features you might just as
well cut the next hour and half out of
your prearransed schedule; you're a goner
for that period, or longer.
He never seems to have reflected that
young ones have been saying and doing
the same identical things ever since the
days when rampageous glaciers were ehas-
ing our cave-dweIling forbears across the
oozy plains, and that what the iridescent
kidlet of today delivers himself or herself
of In the way of spicy and pungent humor
was got off just as like as not by the tod
oilers who swallowed buttons and pins and
fell downstairs in the era of the lost At
lantis.
1.-THE only way to handle the Man Who Is
Always Talking About His Young Ones is
to hop him the instant he begins.
Watch him closely. When you perceive
that his loose, fiabby features are begin
ming to contract into a grin, you may know
that he is on the point of attempting to
make victim of you, and this is your cue
to pick up the most accessible half-brick
and to hurl the same at him for keeps.
This is an heroic method, but it's nee
essary.
'If you don't put his light out at once,
you're nailed. and preservation Is the
first law of nature.
After the coroner has sat upon a few
half-bricked specimens of the Man Who Is
Always Talking About His Young Ones,
the tribe will gradually diminish like the
Kanakas under the obliterating influence of
rum, until at length Wen all be permitted
to give personal supervision to our own
little catalogue of troubles. Speed the day!
II have spake.