davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Laclede blade., 1905-06-03
The Tariff for a FootbalI.

There are good many people who
are not members of the Fifty-ninth
congress who take the same view as
does Senator Dick on the undesirability
Of making football Of the tariff issue.
That there are schedules which have
been outgrown is generally admitted,
but IT should not be necessary in order
to remedy these to stir up the entire
question. This country has prospered
under the present tariff arrangement,
and there is no immediate danger of
the United States going to the dogs If
no change is made In the schedules for
year yet-Nashua On H) TeIe-
graph.
The Laclede blade., 1905-06-03

and g half
miles from
Tr e n t o n,
Mo-, says:
"a s evere
cold settled
in my kid
neys and de-
veloped SO
quickly that
Iwasobliged
to lay off
work on ac-
count of the
aching in my
The Laclede blade., 1905-06-03

back and sides. For time was unable
to walk at all, and every makeshift l
tried and all the medicine 1 took had
not the slightest effect. My back con-
tinued to grow weaker until I began
taking Doan's Kidney Pills, and / must
say was more than surprised and
gratifed to notice the backache disap-
pearing gradually until It finally
stopped"
Doan's Kidney Pills sold by AL deal
ers or by maiIAon receipt Of price, so
cents per box. Eoster-Mnburn Co,
Buffalo. n. Y. -
The Laclede blade., 1905-06-03

.Hit makes no diffunce ter me-" says
Brother Dickey, "ef de worl' is fat or
roun'; what's botherin' me is how not
to fall off."-Atlanta Constitution.
The Laclede blade., 1905-06-03

DSecretary Shaw is stfn sn condi-
ton Of not worrying about the deficit.
Chicago Trfbuns.
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08
f1la &>On and OFF the Bread Wagon
Hard Luck Dones
dl6NZM4zl By Cherries Dryden

the trips / drove along the dimly light
ed streets, at the request of Mr.. Wood,
who assured me that all great hack
men had to learn to handle the rib
bons at some time or another. and that
he took genuine pleasure in teaching
me.
The nights were chilly. and had no
overccat. My friend bought me one
Just like his own. He said If caught
cold and died my folks at Mudville, ILL.,,
never would forgive him for exposing
my health. He also gave me hat that
resembled his.
Along toward or 4 o'clock in the
morning business grew slack ana Mr..
Wood had me drive him home. he Iived
on the other side of town, two miles
from the stable, but he always trusted
me with the task 'of taking the team
back. Arriving at his house, MI;
Wood handed me a silver dollar, and
followed by an affectionate good
night, my boy" 1 drove through the
middle of the town to the stable.
Those lonely trips were proud epochs
in my young life. With coat collar up
and hat brIm down, / fancied that my
clever handling of the reins led boozy
FOUNDERS to mistake me for the gifted
Mr.. Wood. For more than a week
enjoyed these thrills, and then one
night the hackman failed to call for
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08

the team at the usual hour About ~
o'clock 1 strolied uptown. A mob hao
collected in and around the Morgue,
and /, too, went in. On a slab in the
back room rested my late friend, Mr..
Wood, with four Winchester bullets In
him. placed where they would do the
most good.
From the talk / learned that he ana
his hack had been mixed up in an aD-
duction case from another town. Mr..
Wood expected the avengers. all right,
but he didn't. know just when. and +
cheerful and obliging idiot-had con-
sented to pose as living breastworks.
and substitute for the modest sum or
81 per night, not in advance. Why the
men with the guns got him instead of
me is something which Providence
alone can explain. What a mark
would have been driving back alone
from Woods house to the stable had
the avengers been about at that time.
But they came late, and I lived to
spend the few dollars earned in the hu-
man breastworks business. Since that
time / have been more or less stingy
with my society. Rather than let ii
out at that price per evening fiocked
by myself. What / did with the little
side money earned on the hack is re-
lated in the next chapter, in which I
escape from Texas on fluke.
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08
CzAn1>1lE EADDEN = BY E~c>uc>rd w: Iov<nscnd
INpooon Ennp Rrtvq

chase himself along. Dis is de letter
gets from him in answer Copy it as
he wrote it. for he doesn't sling de
American langwudge so good as me,
and I don't want to trun no bouquets
at him like reporting him in me own
woids. Here's de letter:
Dear Dad / take my pen in my
left hand because my right got swat
from a hockey stick by boy playing
off which 4 licked him after the game
to tell you that L have your letter to
come home. That Is too bad. If
have to go to Fannies party I'll miss
the inter-school hockey championship
game and that is better than any old
party especial by girls. Girls are no
good. If you play with them you can't
play hard because nurse will tell If you
mock them down which is what any
boy gets licked for. For telling. Be-
sides they can't fight. Girls can't.
What good are they then q Besides,
fellow has always to remember to be
polite to girls or get called to the sta.
bles to find out what else hitching'
strap is for besides hitching. 1 know
that already. Being polite is no good.
Of course I am polite to seenyers be-
cause they are bigger and can fight
too. But one seenyers said to me
Fadden you did not call me Mister
when we came out of chapel this
morning and 1 will spank you so that
you will remember to be polite. I
told him that a spanking didn't help
politeness and that the reason 1 didn't
call him Mister was that 1 was trad
ing hockey sticks with fellew and
forgot. So he took my hockey stick
and let me off. 1 won fifty cents from
a boy who gets big allowance but
doesn't know heads from tales and so
is easy mark matching nickels, and
1 will give the fifty cents to FAME If
she will let me off from the party. I
know the kinds of kids who will be at
her party and they are bum. Their
hair kurls and their males are pink
like a woman's. To the candy shop
with such kids. They play ring around
a rosy and when 1 say let's play seeing
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08

your Napoleon she says to Duchess,
shaking her coco again, "gets to be
young man and loins dat he mustn't
speak to little Fannie without being
spoke to and must touch his cap when
he takes an order from her, 1t will go
hard wit him, because of de foolish
spelling dat Mr.. Paul and Miss Fannie
is giving de child desc days. OF course
your child will be proud and glad to
come to de boithday party, but sor-
row de day dat he is let to come as an
equal"
'Merci bien for de good advice"
says Duchess, but who told you dat
my boy is to grow UP to be a soivant?
Maybe he will be a general in de army,
or de President, or even a chef in a
great hotel. Who knows? Dis is a
free country. and a boy who gets loin-
ing and behaves himself and is honest
and wise and Industrious has as much
chance of being taken care of by some
nice trust, and made something out
of, as de next boy. Why not?"
Dose is only de pipe dreams Of
fond mother" says Housekeeper. 81
wishes your son well, Hortense, me
dear, but it will be- better for him to
remember dat de bosses and de trusts
don't go looking around for de sons
of de poor for to boom EN-. Dere is
enough sons of de rich for to go
around, without calling in any of de
common people. But do let me see de
lads letter saying how proud he is
dat he gets an invite to Little Ones
party. Sure it will near overcome de
poor child"
Say Housekeeper may be right about
de way she has doped 1t about dat de
sons of de poor being a long shot when
it comes tQ deir getting next to de mugs
dat runs de Government and tings, but
she has anodder guess coming to her
is invited to Little Ones party. / wrote
to him to tell de Head Teacher dat he
was to come home for de party, and to
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08

who can stand bending his fingers
back the farthest they cry. They are
no better than girls themself.
IF I must come, please tell the gard
ner to let the hose run on the back
lawn so that we will have some ice to
play hocky on before the party, and
that will make 1t not so hard to stand.
/ got ten in lattan gramer the other
day on the paper of a boy I swiped
from him, and he got a licking on my
paper he gave teecher thinking it was
his own. 1t is easy to learn knowledge
when YOU sleep next to boy who let's
his room work papers loose where they
can be copied if not swiped. There are
no papers to be handed in in fizzical
culture I wish there was because the
fizzical culture teacher who is an old
friend of yours says would get a ten
mark in boxing every day and two Of
them on saturdays don't see why
there are other studies besides fizzical
culture, but 1 suppose lattan and frac-
tions are give to the boys so that other
teechers can have work to do.
"Lovinly.
James Napoleon Emmett Fadden."
"P. S. Tell dear Mamma that the
box came with the warm gloves and
the cakes which made hit. 1t was
to celebrate a game we won. Dear
dear mamma is always So good. If
she is thinking of sending another box
say that / have all the gloves l need
but home made cakes are the most USE
full article Of school attire.
81. N. E. p.
"P. S. 2: If Fannie wont take my Of
fer of fifty cents to be let off of the
party / will try to have the game post
poned SO that there s:il not be all sor-
row in this life. Lovingly, NAP"
When we showed dat letter m
Housekeeper she says dat boy who
didn't know his duty to his betters
no more dan our boy would toin out
something bad for sure-be a lawyer or
someting like dat
Kiddie came and he didn't have so
woise time at dat. Gardner TONED
de hose on de lawn and made a fine
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08

would do me good. Honest, unless
you has a fren' who happens to
be French you can't tink what beau
tiful langwudge Duchess was singing
out to me till Mr.. Paul stops her wit
saying dat it was all his fault, for
he'd called de kiddies out to play, not
remembering dat 1t was party lay.
nor knowing dat de kbddies was
dressed in deir party close. But dat
only bottled up Duchess, and when
she did uncork on me later I heard
meself called everything but a gent,
in French.
Dey hustled de kiddies to deir
rooms and dressed 'em up again and
dey got to de party before ice cream
time, after all. Den dey played
hockey in de music-room, dat having
fewer tings dat would smash dan any
odder room, and Kiddie teached de
boys and goils his school yell, and /
guess had better time dan he reck-
oned on, especial because one little
fellow offered to go out to the stable
and fight him when Kiddie offered to
cut off his curls. Dey made a sneak
to de stables and was having lovely
tim.-Little Master Curls putting up
a pretty good fight at dat-when de
coachman sends for me to call time.
When Kiddie had went back to
school and / comes to think it over,
i gueSSeS Qdt hlQQlc WOulQn get IlO
more invites to Fannie's parties. but
changed me mind. Little Fannie
comes TO me and she says, "Chames,"
she says, you must teach me how
to box"
Sure, Little One," says. "but what
for?"
so I can marry Napoleon" she
says, as sober as Judge in de Tombs.
IT asked Napoleon to marry me-" she
says, but he didn't want to promise
because 1 am a goil. He said goils
couldn't box. and what was the use
of marrying a poison dat couldn't
box?"
IF dat's the case," I says, "I'll tell
your fadder to get some boxing
gloves dat will fit you, and give you
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08

balmed garments steered me off the
track of other JOBS. l was hobo for
fair. The railroad track leading
north looked good to me, so at day
light on the second morning I moved
away from Houston on foot, never to
return. Any old place would do. My
one ambition was to shake the dust
of Texas from my feet. The soil is
not so easy to shake when a fellow Is
tapanned with that rich alluvium.
BY noon 1 wearied of the telegraph
poles and hand car shantieS sfiitting
past. At these latter institutions /
paused and asked for work, but my
nationality was against me. Keenly
did 1 regret not having been born a
Swede or Italian, so as to inherit pair
of leather pants from my father and
good job in America. AT midday
left the track and took a short nap in
a clump of trees. Professional tnmps
sleep in the middle of the day, and l
had been long enough in the business
to enjoy certain of the luXurieS. /
awoke with a new idea, which was to
switch off into the country and hire out
to a farmer. All the train robber, cow
boy and Texas ranger romance had
been jolted out of me by this time, and
/ actually yearned to be farmer. A
wagon road led away from the track
lowed it, keeping a sharp lookout for
farms. Here and there stood negro
cabin in the center of a dead and bar
rem field, with no sign of life. These
were not the kind of farms 1 had seen
in Illinois and Iowa. The idea of be-
coming a tiller of the soil began to
ooze, but there was no use turning
back.
Along toward dusk the smoke and
spires of city loomed up in the dis
tance, and at sight of them I cut the
last link that bound me to the farmers.
In this new city, the name Of which
didn't know, / would find friends and
work and get on my feet, or rather off
them, for 1 was pretty tired. Within
% mile of the place 1 met up with a
truck farm, aglow with early spring
vegetables. The owner, a thin man,
with pale whiskers, was pulling weeds
near the fence. I hung my chin over
the top rail, and asked him the name of
the town.
Houston" he said, without looking
up.
What" I yelled. Houston, did you
say? Why, left there early this morn
ing and have been walking all day."
The truck farmer Strengthened his
long, lean back, and took a good look
at me.
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08

Then I went to bunk in with the
equines. My duties consisted of max
ing beds for the horses and giving a
massage to overheated hack teams
with bit of gunny sack. Another
hostler cut my hair with pair of
horse clippers while 1 sat on a bucket,
and then he helped me to take bath
with the hose in the buggy washing
department. 1t was a buggy wash all
right. During these operations l lost
considerable mud and felt better for
it. l had a good home in the stable.
1t was killing work to tumble out of
my hay at odd hours and dry team
of lather-covered horses, but 1 soon
got used to it. My roommate snorted
and kicked a great deal in the night
with big iron-shod hoofs, and his res
tive demeanor robbed me of much
sleep.
Among the patrons of the stable
was a half-breed Mexican named
Wood. who drove a night hack, pay.
ing a stated sum for the nocturnal use
of the team and vehicle. The fact
that Mr.. Wood had lost the greater
part of his nose, bitten off in friend
ly argument with a fellow night
hawk, did not predispose one in his
favor, but he took a hot fancy to me.
The reason did not appear till later.
one evening Mr.. Wood said he
had never seen a white person with
whom he would rather associate than
myself That was flattering some, as
the hackman had negro blood in him.
My many sterling traits of mind and
character, to say nothing of the way
l rubbed sweaty horses, appealed so
strongly to Mr.. Wood he actually
pined for my society. He spoke about
it himself. In fact, rather than miss
hobnobbing with me, at least part of
the time. the enamored Mr.. Wood Of
fered me 81 per night to sit with him
on the box seat of the hack and con-
verse on general topics. AS he was
willing to pay for good society, and
needed the money, l agreed to bright
en- the life of the lonely hackman,
since a shift of hours had given me
the day watch at the barn.
Night after night. at o'clock, the
hack rolled out of the stable. Mr..
Wood sat on the box, soaking up social
distinction, with me by his side. When
waiting at the mack stand in front Of
a saloon, the driver allowed me to curl
up on the cushions and sleep while he
stood at the bar and drank milk
punches. Sometimes he favored me
with one of those invigorating bever-
ages, but with a fare inside I had to
be on the seat with him. On most Of
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08

Young stranger" he said. II amt
deer and amt crazy. That's Houston.
Be you all going thar?''
He put the query in such a tone that
l at once hiked on to Houston, without
further parley. What's the use, l ar
gued. The man lives here and I'm a
stranger in these parts. He ought to
know. But how did get back to Hous-
ton, after walking for ten hours away
from that place? This proposition made
me dizzy. In books of adventure had
read or lost people wandering in a
circle. l was not lost, for there was
Houston in plain view. Apparently
had got fatally bent on my travels.
The wagon road, crossed by other
trails, wound about the country and
led me aStray. 1t all seems funny now,
but the ring I walked around town.
ship was no joke in those days. No
matter whether 1 rode or strolled away
from Houston the city was bound to
turn up again and haunt me. AS
neared my bad nenny / fretted lest
another hobo had found the dry cul-
vert
My happy home was still to let and,
footsore and disgusted, 1 passed the
night there, with a homeless dog, who
came in from late foray, smelling of
food | would have been tempted to eat
had he brought home some.
One word in this sign, Livery,
Boarding and Sale Stable" on a large
building led me to try my luck among
the horses. The word would stand no
show on the puzzle page, for you have
all guessed it by this time. The stable
proprietor did not at first want any
hostlers, but he took an interest in the
mud L carried and asked me how 1 got
1t. That query opened up a vein of
conversation that eventually landed me
in the box stall with the red stallion.
In three weeks of diligent hustling
had earned so cents in punches of 80
and SO cents and I doubtless resembled
the first installment of my Texas in
come.
The liveryman had a big heart and
I'll never forget him. When / had
reeled off my tale of woe he asked me
why / didn't come to him when 1 first
struck town. Then he led the way to
restaurant and fed the queerest patron
ever seen in that place. He remained
and watched me eat and it was we'll
he did, for no one but a horse owner
could have paid the bill. In a voice
chokcd with wonder and emotion the
horsey samaritan offered me a position
as chambermaid in his livery stable at
three per week and board. He and his
wife lived in the upper part of the
stable and boarded the hands.
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08

Naturally Thomas Jefferson's first
thought after being released from the
academic pasture was of newspaper
work
1t is strange fact, but a true one
that about seventy-five per cent. Of
the men who emerge into the world
yearly from the reposeful gloom of our
cloistered halls of learning have their
eye on some poor newspaper which
they think needs bracing up, and at
least fifty per cent of them actually try
1T. 1t must be because most young men
think of the newspaper man as leis-
urely individual. who spends most of ihs
time eating breakfast with Senator
Platt or careering around the country
in a special train with the President
sending back kilograms to his paper
when he feels like 1t. When they dis
cover that newspaper work is very
much like other work, only harder. they
change their minds and ask for job
on the street cleaning force. where they
can work easy hours and be sure Of
their job for at least three weeks in
succession.
But as we said before, Thomas Jeffer-
son made straight break for news
paper office as soon as he felt the
asphalt under his feet and announced
that he was prepared to accept q posi-
ton. After cooling his heels in two
or three offices Thomas Jefferson man.
aged to get on the blind side of city
editor and Was given an assignment
to cover cat show. His copy passed
muster and he was gradually promoted
to higher things such as the strike Of
the sign painters union and accidents
on, the elevated railroad and other phe-
nomena of modern civilization. The
road seemed open to him all the way up
--or down-to the managing editors
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08

skating rink on it and Kiddie teacned
us all de game of hocky, which / used
to play on de Bowery when de cops
was eff post, but we called it shinny.
1t isn't much of game, but de skat-
ing dat goes wit it gives toist dat
makes it very strong with Mr.. Paul.
Him and me was out on de ice practic-
ing some of de fine points de day of de
party, when he sees Kiddie and Little
Fannie looking out of Little Ones
noissery window and he motions 'em
to come down and have hand in de
practice. Pretty soon dey chases out,
all bundled up in cloaks, and puts on
deir skates and soon we was having all
sorts Of fun; me and Little One play
ing sides against Mr.. Paul and Kiddie.
Little One got a tumble about ten
times a minute, but she didn't care, for
she is sport for sure and de more
tumbIes de more laughing and de
more laughing de more Mr.. Paul
plugged de game, till all de lot of US
was near dying from laughing. dough
wit falls and sweating we was pretty
well soaked inside and out. Dat was
de layout when all of a sudden Miss
Fannie, Duchess and Little Ones
noisse come running and sets up a
holler did we know what time it was,
and what day it was?
DE house is half full Of children
come to Fannie's party" says Miss
Fannie, giving Mr.. Paul de injured
eye, 'and here is Fannie playing out
here and not even dressed yet, 1 sup
pose"
Den de noisse chips in soft and low
and says dat Fannie was dressed, and
Miss Fannie lifts de cloak Little One
weats and sees her l.ttle doiky fluffy
lace and jimcrack dress wilted. torn
and wet. She gives Mr.. Paul a look
den dat makes him shrink a foot, but
1t was a loving smile along side of de
look Duchess gives me when she takes
off Kiddies long coat and gets a peek
at his angel-boy velvet close. Well.
say. dey was sights for fair.
Duchess gives one peek and den she
starts to give me what the fought
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-08
E71>r0 -

Y z IS name was Thomas Jefferson,
- one Of the most promising boys
in the neighborhood, and his
promises are still outstanding; so far
as we know. none Of them has ever
been paid His life story II an Illus
tration of one Of the saddest facts in
human history, and during our narra-
tion it will be well to keep that fact in
mind. We are not quite sure what it
is we are to illustrate, but we hope to
find out in time to put it in the apren-
dix. Then. IL the doctors don't re-
move the appendix it will be preserved
for the edification of posrerity.
In his childhood Thomas jefferson
was what is known as precocious
child. That is, he was one of those
specimens of infant genius designed for
the Encouragement Of social inter-
course with his family. He could put
the boy on the burning deck and then
&c off and leave him there three times
in one evening, and come up smiling
each time. He could also give an imi-
tation Of the boy soprano in the city
choir almost as good as the real thing
His parents were sure that ne was in
tended for something great, and their
efforts were directed toward fostering
that belief in the mind of their inno-
cent offspring. Parents have good
deal to answer for, although 1t is sad
to think that any one should have to
answer for Thomas Jefferson.
When that' budding genius had
reached an age when even his own
parents were willing to dispense with