davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

Then he tells where him, his father an
the gOverness has been playin' spellin-
bee. Teacher asst the words. An every
time father spelled one wrong he had
to kiss the govern ess. Father couldn't
spell nothin'. He missed every time
That was because his education was
neglected in its early stages. Now you
see If papa'd d been explainin' how the
game was played he'd have showed
where he was maxim an examination
to see if Willie was gettin' on proper
in his studies. That's the difference.
Papa knows it all. Willie don't know
nothin'; that is they thought he didn't
But they woke up, an they found out
that he knoO enough. His way of run
min world is to tell the truth. That's
why he's figured out as not KNOWN
anythin'.'
figured out what Mr.. Claus said
was right. Christmas amt primarily
1 for grown people; that is, they fix
/ things so it amt. It could be if they
wanted it that way, but they know toe
much. They'r re like the little boy that
/ says there amt no Santa Claus He
/ knows too much. He's gettin' near the
| danger line. Where would all the hap
1 pines of the little world be if there
wasn't no Santa Claus? Why, 1t would
/ be like the happiness inthe big world, a
little bit shy, because people don't be-
/ Iieve that there's anythin' decent, or
/ that other people can be on the level.
/ They're always tryin' to hand out the
razzle- dazzle an they're always lookin'
4 for the razzIe-dazzle an they get it
/ their hands out. But. they use their
! fins to rake in what's gofn', not tc
/ hand out what's shy I tell you if the
| grown folk wants the real kind of q
/ Christmas themselves they'd bette-
butt in an help out old man Claus
He amt tied up with no union rules
IAN # you amt a master workman
you can start in as an apprentice.
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24
MIR. DEVER Y::''
Has a Special Interview With Santa Claus,
and Sets Forth a Few YIegUS Regard
h1q the Joys Of Christmas.
rCopyrght 1905 by Central News and Press Exchanged
News and Press Exchanged

ers. They figure that he amt nothin'
more than myth like the free coinage
OF silver. But in the case OF Claus they
are dead wrong. There amt q year
that he amt on deck an there amt
time when he don't worry that he can't
get round to all the holes an corners
IN the great big cities so every kid can
get chance look at him. An 7 want
to tell you that there amt nothin-
tckles him more han when some
youngster butts in an helps him do q
little distributin' You see he amt III
politics. His business is gfvin' up. An
II you want to stand in well, an you've
goI a stray tin horse or a doll that's
sunerin' from fallin' hair, just browze
round bit an give up to some kid
that never knOo what a horse was un-
III ne tried TO eat piece Of steak at q
nfteen-cent hash house If you don't
see the old man to get some of his
things, just give UP few of your own
IL won't dc you no harm. Santa'u
make good.
The first thing I asst Santa when
see him was about his get up. I neveI
could figure out quite why he always
fixed himself UP like a circus per-
former. That's just it, he says:
you people is always kickin' about the
way other people dresses, an you never
take look at yourselves. You see I
amt dressin' to please myself but to
please other people. An my people is
the kids. Just because I'm an old man
d4I no sign SIOulQ go round ike
an undertaken. Don't red look nicer
than black2 What's the matter with
bein' cheerful an loolxin' cheerful? An
amt it better to dress for somebody
else than to dress for yourself I'm
sure you don't show no blue ribbon
for brains the way you dress. What
do you cut your hair for? Why, to
keep your head cool. Very well, then
what do you wear hat for To keen
your head warm. You wear stockin' 8
to keep your feet dry, shoes to keeD
your stockins dry, rubbers to keep
your shoes dry, an then you take a
cab. Why, I'm not half the circus
performer you are. I only look it; an
that's because want to please the lit
tie ones2 Not on your life. You're
IN the submarine boat tryin' to spy out
a little graft from the connin' tower
When I started in to size the old
man up I could see he wasn't such a
fool as he looked. Appearances is de-
ceptive. Bailey of Texas looks as if he
knOo somethin' Claus Looks as if he
knoO somethin', too, an he did. In
side of five minutes he opened up on
me good.
Where do you come in % he says.
What are you goin' round the stores
for an sayin the things I've fixed up Is
shines. Here's this nanny goat. The
kid wants it. What do you go buttin'
in for an PAWN it over an criticizin'
It for The Clues shown, and the legs
isn't carved right Is your legs a pair
of ten thousand dollar prize beauties
What do you know about nanny goats ?
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24
Kidnanped bv AFotor.

Berlin, Dec. ga divorced wife ar-
rived at Stuttgart in d motor car. ac-
companied by two gentlemen and
loclxsuith. The automobile drew up
before the residence of the woman's
Corner husband. and the Iocksmlth
forcing the door, the woman entered
the house and seized her child,
eighteen months old, which had been
conhded to the husbands care. The
child's paternal grandmother shouted
for help, and a workman arrived on
the scene and attempted to take the
child from the woman's arms. ThS
latter drew a revolver, aimed it ut ber
temple, and threatened to blow out aer
brains if she was not allowed to tak5
her child away. The workman became
afraid, and placed the child in thA
1vcman's arms. She hurried back to
the motor car, and was driven away at
rapid rate. Her Whereabouts have
not been discovered.
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

Another entertainer told me the fol-
lowing story, although it was q joke
against himself. He and Corney Grain
were sharing one summer a cottage on
the river. A man called early one day
to discuss affairs, and was talking to
Corney in the parlor, which was on the
ground floor. The window was open
The other entertainer-the man who
told me the story-was dressing in the
room above. Thinking he recognized
the voice OF the visitor below he leaned
out of his bedroom window to try to
hear better. He leaned too far, and
dived head foremost into bed Of flow
ers, his bare legs-and only his bare
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24
BY JEROME x. JERoAIE.

II H A r NJ E D Very. hot
~ weather we've been
having lately-I mean
cold. Let me see. I did
not quite catch your
name just now. Thank
you so much. Yes, very nice man in
deed. No, I'm only passing through
And a silence falls, neither of US being
able to think what to say next.
What has happened is this: The
editor of the -- has met me in the
doorway, and shaken me heartily by
the hand, so glad you were able to
come" he has said some friends OF
mine here, very anxious to meet you
| He hustled me across the room. De
| lightful people. You'll like them
have read all your books. He has
brought me up to you, and presented
me We have exchanged the cuStO-
mary commonplaces; and you are Wait
/ ing for me to say something clever.
original, and tactful! And don't know
/ whether YOU are Presbyterians or Nor
mons, Protectionists or Free Traders.
whether you are engaged TO be mar
ried or have lately been divorced.
A friend of mine adopts the sensible
plan Of always providing you with a
short story of the person to whom he
is about to lead you. i want to intro
duce you to a Mrs. Jones' he whispers; !;
years ago. Forgot the name of it
something about twins. Keep away
from sages=father ran a pork shop
in the Borough. Husband on the Stock
Exchange. Keep off coke-unpl leasant~
ness about a company. You'll get on
best by sticking to the book. Lot in
it about platonic friendship. Don't
seem to be looking too closely at her
got a slight squint she doesn't like no.
ticed" By this time we have reached
the lady, and he introduces one as a
friend of his simply dying to know her
wants to talk to you about your
book he explains. "Disagrees with
you entirely on the subject of platonio-
friendship. Sure you'll be able to con-
vince him" It saves US both a deal
of trouble. I start at once on platonic
friendship, and ask her questions about
twins: avoiding sausages and coke. She
thinks me a most interesting man; and
am less bored than otherwise might
be.
have sometimes thought it would
be serviceable device if in society We
all of US wore a neat card=pinned. say
upon our backs-setting forth such in
formation as is necessary: ones name
| legibly written, and how to be pro
nounced; our age mot necessarily in
good faith, but for the purpose of con
versaticn. I seriously hurt 9 German
lady once by demanding of her infor-
nation about the war of eighteen sew
enty She looked to me forty. Il
turned out she was only tWenty-seven
Had not been an Englishman might
have had to light a duel9; Our relig-
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

ln the senate or the house of repre-
sentatives, so somebody's got to III
the bill. The consequences is that
the old man feels bound by circum-
stances to butt in at least once a year
You see people don't think for them
selves as a regular thing, an it don t
do no good to pass it up entirely
There is more pencils wore out In
Christmas week than there is in any
two months of the year. Cash books is
balanced, Iedgers is fixed up, an when
the balance sheets is struck off, as q
rule the old boy has a fit of apoplexy.
But it's all right. He comes to in time.
Then he sits UP an says: Never mind,
it's up to me; it's Christmas; there's no
kick" There's the beauty about
Christmas. While some people may get
it in the neck, never see anyone that
wanted to be without it. The point IS
that anybody who gets the worst of il
at Christmas time, as a rule, it's their
own fault Sooner or later they figure
where it's up to them, an then things
comes their way. Of course, there is
things that comes some peoples way
outside of Christmas time; then there
is people that when they don't come
their way just grab 'em by the scruff
of the neck an drag EN- their way.
But that amt got nOthin' to do with
the annual holiday Everybody can be
happy on the annual holiday if they
like to be.
Santa Claus is great old boy. He's
somethin' like Uncle Joe Cannon. The
only difference between Joe an Santa
IS that Joe don't give up. Both is a
little fantastic in their makeup, but
that don't do no harm. There's nothin'
in dress. If Levi P. Morton had wore
silk petticoats instead of cotton ones
while he was vice-president of the
United States, it wouldn't have made
MIN any nicer old woman than he was
anyhow. An that's the way that Santa
figures. I seen him the other day an
had quite talk with him. An 1 want
to tell you I knOo more after I got
through than 7 did before. I was lust
like one of these guys that starts in to
cure case of rheumatism an tries al
the cures that's advertised. I met one
Of these boys, too, not so long ago He
said he knoO more after he got through
than he did before. An you can bel
your life he told the truth. But that
amt got nothin' to do with Mr.. Claus
see him because I sort Of felt it was
a dooty. There is lots of little ones
that don't know nothin' about him
Some of EN- never see him. Agair
there is class that don't even believe
the old guy exists. They're the doubt
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24
On Being Introduced
By JEROME K. JERO ONE
Lcopyrght 1905 by Central News and Press Exchanged

ious and political beliefs, together with
a list of subjects we We're most at home
upon and a few facts concerning oul
career-sufficient to save the stranger
from what is vulgarly termed, putting
his foot in it, Before making jokes
about Chamberlain, or discussing the
South African war, one would glance
behind and note whether ones com
panion was ticketed 'Imperialist" or
"Pro-Boer. Guests desirous of agree
able partners-''an agreeable person, -
according to the late Lord Beacons-
fields definition, being "a person who
agrees with you could make their
own selection. Excuse me. Would
you mind turning round a minute. All
'Wagnerian Crank I am afraid VIC
should not get on together. I prefer
the Italian school,. Or. "HoW delight
full. I see you don't believe in vaccina-
ton. May I take you into supper %
Those, on the other hand. fond of ar
gument, would choose a suitable Oppo.
nent. A master of ceremonies might
be provided who would stand in the
centre of the room and call for part
ners: Lady with strong views on sub
ject of female franchise wishes to meet
with gentleman of sound conservative;
principles" Brewer of comfortab bic
means desires introduction to lady abo-
litionist."
An American lady, a year or two ago,
wrote me a letter that did me real
good. She appreciated my work with
so much understanding, criticised it
with such sympathetic interest. She
added that when in England the sum
mer before she had been on the point
of accepting an invitation to meet me
but at the last moment had changed
her mind-sh felt so sure-she put il
pleasantly, but this is what it came to
that in my own proper person ]
should fall short of her expectations
For my own sake felt sorry she had
cried off: it would have been worth
something to have met so sensible a
woman. An author introduced to peO-
pie who have read, or who say that
they have read his books, feels always
like a man taken for the first time to
be shown his future wife's relations
They are very pleasant. They try to
put him at his ease. But he feels in
stinctively that they are disappointed
with him. I remember when a very
young man attending a party at which
a famous American humorist was the
chief guest. was standing close be-
hind a lady who was talking to her
husband. HE doesn't look a bit fun
n.y. said the lady. Great Scott, - an
swered her husband. chow do you ex-
pect him to look? Did you think he
would have a red nose and a patch over
one eye ?" "Oh, we'll. he might look
funnier than that, anyhow" retorte0
the lady, highly dissatisfied; sit isn't
worth coming for We all know the
joke that r. c. Burnand tells against
himself of the hostess who. leaning
across the table during the dessert re-
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

over to the stove to warm up the pud-
din Maybe you've beaten it out goin'
backwards, but you won't if you think
good, an dig down in your jeens at
Christmas time. You see it amt
everybody can grope round on the floor
an grab an apron string. So if the
kids struck on the nanny goat, don't
go kiclkin' at the glue. Let 'em have
it. They know. You don't know it all;
you haven't got no card in the musical
union. It amt always the things that
looks like shines, that is shines; take
yourself. for instance"
.'Mr. Claus I says; you're all right
An I appreciate everythin' you say
It's up to me to figure out whether 7
line UP as a shine per see, or whether
1 just look like one"
That's just it." he says. You're
either the real thing or a fourfiusher
an as such it's up to you to sit up an
take notice You see, you can't fool
your Uncle Santa. He's on. You may
think you're foxy all right, but there is
others"
But how about this Christmas pres
ent game % I says. Where does that
come in2
1T don't he says. christmas pres.
ents always goes out. You see when
you get down to presents you're dealin'
with the old folks, an you must ex-
pect to be buncoed. You don't get
buncOed by a child because a child
amt supposed to know anythin'. You
know it all. You're mixin' in with the
wise boys that knows how to con you
along. Your grown-up crowd cheats
an smiles an robs an fights an kicks
the other fellow in the spine whenever
it can, because it knows so much, an
was decided that that's the only proper
way to run a world. You see one OF
my little citizens runs up to his mother
when she comes into the house an
says What do you think, mother,
we've been havin' such a fine game.
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

they are not the Mr. So-and-So, but
only his brother or his father; and all
you can think of to say is, "Oh. I'm 50
sorry" had a nephew who was
famous amateur bicycle Champion
have him still, but he has come down
to motor car. In sporting circles L
was always introduced as ''Shorland's
uncle" But my case was not so bad as
that of a friend of mine, q. doctor. He
married a leading actress and was
known ever afterwards as Miss
Blanks husband" At public dinners,
where you take your seat for the even
ing next to some one you have possibly
never met before and are never likely
to meet again, finding conversation is
difficult and dangerous. I remember
talking to a lady at a Vagabond Club
dinner. She asked me during the
| course of the evening-with a light
laugh, as I afterwards recolIected-
what I thought candidly of the last
book of a certain celebrated authOress.
[ told her and a coldness sprang UP
between US. She was the celebrated
authoress. She had changed her place
so as to avoid sitting next to another
| lady novelist. One has to change ones
! place sometimes on these occasions. A
newspaper man came up to me once
at the Mansion House. Would you
mind changing places with me-" he
! asked. Its so awkward. They've put
me next to my first wife"
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

quested to know If he would mind say
ing som ething funny soon, because the
dear children were waiting TO 90 to
bed. Children, I suppose, have no use
Tor people who can't be funny when
they are wanted to be funny. 7 once
a Saturday to Monday. He is very
amusing man, and before he came di-
lated on his powers of humOr-some-
what foolishly perhaps--in the pres
ence of a certain youthful person who
resides with me- and who listens when
she oughtn't to, and never when she
ought. He happened not to be in a
humorous mood that evening. My
young relation, after dinner, climbed
upon my knee. For quite five minutes
HAS he said anything funny yet?"
Hush, no, not yet. Don't be silly"
Five minutes later: WAS that funny2"
mo, of course not s'Why not2"
Because-can't you hear? We arc
talking about old age pensions"
mind now. It isn't subject upon
which one can be funny" She waited
for another quarter of an hour. Then
evidently bored, and much to my re-
lief, suggested herself that she might
as we'll go to bed. She ran to me the
He said something funny last night, -
she told me. "Oh, what was it % I in
quired. It must have missed it..
well. I can't exa city member it." she
explained, mot just at the moment.
But it was so funny. I dreamed it."
For folks closely related to Lions, in
Productions must be trying ordeals-
You tell them that for years you have
| been yearning to meet them-that this
is indeed a privilege. They, then, at
this point, have to explain to you that
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

RF r YOU see the old man sittin' up
late tonight, just 90 about your
own business an leave him alone.
There is things on his mind II
YOU see him slide quiet-like into
a corner, an drag out book an
a pencil. don't disturb him He's hg-
7rrin'. He's tryin' to dope out once
more where he comes in. Tomorrow e
Cbristrnas dav. OF course, the jokes
on the old man, but that don't matter
II amt no time to laugh. First Of all
ft amt kind. an then it amt Judieious-
while Christmas is naturally time
when everybody feels joyful LheTe IS
rorne people that it sets to think1n
They don't do any of that sort of thing
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

Rome. Dec. 2s.-A telegram from
Florence states that a valuable bas-re-
lief of the school of Andre della Roddia
has. been stolen from CasciatO church.
Thefts of works of art are becoming
more and more frequent in Italy. It is
remarked that they occur when veal
thy Americans are in the country. Not,
of course, that these are for one mo-
ment suspected. It is suggested that
their arrival is made known to thieves,
who at once assail museums, churches,
and even private collections, and sell
the products of their thefts to the
American tourists.
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24
school Girls Strange Death,

Paris, Dec. IA schoolgirl has
died at Versailles in pathetic circum-
stances. At school the girls were asked
to write an essay on why Love My
Mother" One Of the scholars had
written a few lines when she began to
sob, and fell to the floor before the
mistress could reach her. She had re-
Gently lost her mother, and the sub
ject of the composition served to renew
her grief. She was carried home, but
cerebral fever set in, and she died the
sa me daX.
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

It wasn't made for you. anyhow. Ask
the kid what he thinks about it. He
knows. An If you don't want to dc
that, just get back by the f7reside
alone, close your eyes, an try to pic
ture back the nanny goat you once
had. Maybe it wasn't a nanny goat.
Maybe it was a horse. The chances is
it wasn't no Lou Dillon, but you could
tie the tail on mothers apron strings
an it could go backwards in great
shape, couldn't it. when she walked
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24

Iags-showing through the open win
dow of the parlor. "Good gracious, -
exclaimed the visitor, turning at the
moment and seeing a pair of wriggling
legs above the window siIla who's
that?" Corney fixed his eye-glass and
strolled to the window. "Oh. it's only
Whathisname." he explained. Won
derfuI spirits. Can be funny in the
morning J. <. JEROME.
The Topeka state journal., 1905-12-24
Suicide at seven.

Brussels, Dec. 23.4Two families re-
siding in the Rue Chauavnes. at Char
leroi, were often in trouble through
their children not being able to agree
while at play. A boy, eleven years OF
age, the son of a couple named Fla
mant, began to tease little Jouart, seven
years of age, the neighbor's son. Nine.
Jouart chastised her boy, who rushed
upstairs. and seizing a revolver, lodged
a bullet in his chest, the wound in-
flicted proving fatal.
The Washington times., 1905-06-20
FORTY TO EACH CAR
LIMIT OVER BRIDGE
Commissioners Decide This Number of
Passengers May Be Carried Over
to Anacostia.

Il move that the number Of passengers
to be allowed on the cars crossing the
Anacostia bridge be limited to forty, and
that the vice president of the Anacostia
and Potomac River Railroad Company
be notified to that effect
With this decision. written yesterda!
afternoon by Engineer Commissioned
Biodle. and indorsed today by Commits
sioners Macfarland and West, the traffic
controversy waged around the Anacos-
tia bridge has been brought TO a head
Il have written to Gen. George II.
Harries, vice president of the Anacostia
and Potomac River railroad, said Com
missioner Biddie and he replied that
IL would be impracticable to apply such {,
rule
while limiting the number Of pasSen-
gers may be difficult To do" continued
Colonel Biddfe lit is certainly not i'm
possible. and If the public safety re-
quires IT, a. IL would seem TO do in this
case, such action should undoubtedly be-
taken II is very possible that serious
accident. such as a car going through
the bridge into the river. might occur. "
Suggesting a remedy for the possible
hardship TO passengers on the road,
Commissioner Biddle said the railroad
company. by having trailers on the cars
which cross the bridge, could reduce the
stress TO an irdonarily safe limit and
accommodate all probable passengers.
One further recommendation made In
the case is that the speed limit of four
bridge be adhered to-"for tho reason
that the impact due 10 swiftly moving 6
cars striking the bridge is one of the
main causes Of danger"
The Washington times., 1905-06-20
DEATH RECORD.

Barnes. Emma. q, IL jackson St ne
Biand, John. co. Wash'n Asylum Hospital.
BRASS. Carlyle. 4, 2ll II 81. sw.
Sarter. Mary. 3s, Wasa'n Asylum Hospital
Shristy Daniel s.. So. 1i07 sth st. NV
Sonneii, Patrick. 46. Emergency Hospital
Digs, William T.. months. 3225 K St NV.
Dorsey, Lucy. 50. l945 18th ST NV.
E.ngIefnaH. William. 65. Govt Hosp. Insane.
RAINING, John. 81. Providence Hospital.
Green. Clinton T. months. 1929 9Th st. NV.
utes, 1888 25th ST. NV
Hssion. Ambrose. 81, 2Is "a st. sw.
Joh--son, Aionze, l, 223 Sd ST. sw
johnson. Lewis st. j. mos 1904 goth st
keatley. John H.. G7. .oi6 r ST. NV.
Kuhns. ss svlvsates aeeis; i4ass Soos St unS nv.
L1avalette Rebecca, 81, 1904 @ ct. ne
Lee. David e5. Government Hospital insane
Mann. Patrick, g., 619 North Carolina ave Sc
March, May. So. Home for Incurables.
Masterson, Daniel A.. years. Tenleytown
Merriman. Thomas. o. 1924 2d st. NV
Mccarthy, Timothy. y. So Myrtle st ne.
Roland, John E.. 49, s22 11th ST. ne
Steward. Matthew, 49, Freedman's Hospital
Warner. Harriet, 3s. Garfield Hospital