The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-11-04
RECIPES FOR yAGs.
Bartender EIueidates Different Kinds
Of Remedies.

Bartender Elueidatss Different Kinds
Of Remedies.
louisville Post.)
Is there any difference in jagse" re-
peated the old bdrkeep; well, l should
kiss goat. There's no two alike. OF
course, there's always the headache at
tachment, the early-morning thirst and
the inclination to dodge when nobOdy's
trying TO soak yOu-but, to come down
to closer analysis, jags are the most
different things on earth.
Everybody knows there's q heap of
difference IN whisky. Why shouldn't
there be variety In jags? In the first
place, there are different kinds of men.
They drink for different reasons, and
want different kinds of booze. In the
dawn Of inebriety beer viii do all right,
but there is stage where beer merges
into red liquor, just as certain as there
is a time of day when you can step on
the head of your shadow.
"Some folks call that the zenith or
something, but the fellows that stand
before the big mirror call il the limit.
Then's when an apple brandy would
buckle on your skates and a creme de
menthe would make you bark at the
trolley cars.
different drinks lead TO the police sta
ton. A man VIII get drunk when he
inherits a fortune just the same as
when he loses one. 1t takes an expert
TO say which reason is the right one,
and even then the dope often goes
wrong.
''Wronged love figures to win in
nearly every jag handicap where the
starters are in the maiden class. Four
year-olds drink because the barkeepers
need the money.
"A jag inspired by misplaced affec-
tons is a sad sight. and barkeep that
doesn't soften IN and tell the young
fellow that Mayme is a good-for-noth-
ing fiirt and that the man who marries
her will rue it 10 his dying day, amt
got any right to belong TO the union.
Neither has he the interest of the house
at stake, for as long as he knocks the
tickle Mayme just so long Will the sad
one continue to buy.
'Now, as to the selling platter the
procedure is different. He don't love
anything but whisky and free lunch.
Romance with him is as dead as Nan
Patterson's starring tour. He gets his
drink after the bell has Tung on the
cash register He also gets it out OF
the hack drivers bottle. If he says
something about 'bOttledin- bond
goods we turn the icy stare on him.
and if that don't work it's the hose.
He's entitled to one bretzel, but hard
look goes with it.
Everybody knows there's different
kinds of jags. There's the 'feel-like-
you-own-the-earth jag the 'ain't-got-
no-pooT-kin jag. the 'best-little-man-
of-your-size-in-tow jag the crying
jag. the merry jag, the wife s-sone-
away-from- home jag and the want
to-treat-the-house jag.
For that John d. Rockefeller feeling
I recommend champagne on highbali
foundation. It's safe and sure. and
will stick TO you like porous plaster
to a lame back. You remember that
Billy Baxter said something about the
Standard Oil company being the small
est thing he owned when in certain
condition Well, with the proper mix
ture of extra dry and Bourbon high
balls the Bank Of England becomes
Just the proper thing to drop into the
blind fiddler's cup. The only sad thins
about it is that the richer you feel IN
the evening the poorer you are the next
morning. That's a bunch right from
the DoWer-house. I've known the time
when there might as well have been a
strike in the mint so far as was con-
cerned, and those days followed nights
when a 500 bill looked meaner than a
corn pad.
For an old-time funeral jag drink
beer. There's not an idea in the whole
brewery. To make it consistent, your
stomach ought to be a little off-color
and your feet cold. The longer you
drink the sadder you'll get. think the
salt water is due at the nineteenth
glass. but you've got TO allow for sew
eral things in calculating on this.
You'll be sad, ali right, don't forget
that. You'll be sad the next day, and
perhaps the day after. Don't make the
mistake of sandwiching in a Scotch
highball at any stage of the game. gu
might smile if you did. and If you smile
once the artistic solemnity Of the jag
is gone. The report that undertakers
drink embalming fluid is all bosh. They
drink beer.
eff YOU want TO get a talking jag,
drink four gin rickeys, then switch TO
an abSinthe fraDDe. You'll find words
that YOU didn't know were in your mind
at all. You'll talk about anything
from what TO eat after typhoid fever to
the best way Of bringing UP pointer
pup. The second frappe Will make
tOadstools look like mushrooms. There
nothing to IL. I've seen fellows take
buzZards for canary birds, and l guess
| that's going some.
ITO successfully build one of those
'best-little-man-o my size in town
iags you must first go to the corner
grocery. Don't stop in the grocery, or,
IL you do, merely look at the picture of
the COW on the soda packages. As soon
as you can edge through get into the
bar and stay there till the boss tells you
to get out Don't ask any foolish ques-
lions about the booze Drink what he
sets before you, and ask for another,
If the bottle has label with land
scape on il, so much the quicker. ASK
for that bottle every time.
what do barkeepers drink? Well,
now, that's hardly fair. II the brewery
man is treating. and the boss is in the
bar, it's something expensive, as they
value their jobs. ] know some bar
keepers, though. that occasionally take
cherry phosphate when alone. They
never let the union hear OF 1t, though,
and nearly all OF them have friend
or two who can keep it out Of the pa
DerS i"