Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1905-01-03
DAILY SHORT STORY
PUNsTERs' PARADISE.
iOriginal. ]

| have staggered through life l am at
| loss to know The surname Pretty
man is enough in itself for one person
| to bear. but when prefixed by Dave:
Deering-tber name of my mother
brother-it is next TO unbearable. How
| ever I can say what few can say-mJ
name has been the rudder which ha:
steered my life's bark.
! What at first called my attention Il
the incubus under which l was des
tined TO stagger were the puns l en-
dured i'm childhood. was told a
least once week that IL l made a:
pretty n man as boy l would be al
Adonis. When I came TO an age to bt
an object Of interest TO young girls
punning on my name burst into &
fame In one year. having made q
note Of the different puns thrown a,
me. I counted twenty of There's q
dear ring To it" twenty four. Its 9
very endearing name" eighteen, III
wear my heart upon my sleeve fol
DAVIS TO peck at" while the different
puns on Prettyman numbered fifty
six.
1t WAS this part of my name that
decided my career. From my youth
realized that could not afford to EN-
brace an ordinary. especially an eff
Terminate. career. For instance. il
would never do for me to stand behind
a counter and sell ribbons to ladies.
was trying to- think of some Occupa-
ton especially manly when the Span
ish- American war broke out. Here WAS
my opportunity l enlisted and went
with my regiment to Santiago.
After the first fight l was made a
corporal. but was ut once reduced TO
the ranks TO enable the captain to
pun on my name lied make Il pref
ty man for IL corporal" he said sardOn-
ically Nominate some one else" But
i'm the next fight all the mon CONS
were killed off. and l was again put
forward. This time my name saved
me. The captain had been killed, and
the first lieutenant (promoted) recon-
mended Inc for lieutenant In order to
get pun off to the colonel.
"Whom would you recommends ask
cd that officer.
81 think I know pretty good man.
colonel" replied the captain.
"Well. who Is it," ...t..t....
Dawes Deering Prettyman." replied
the captain. looking very knowing. .,..
In II few minutes the colonel saw the
point. burst into laugh and said: by
Jove. but you're bright. I'll, see that
he is appointed"
One night l was sent for to report in
person to the colonel. He told me that
Al. I,t, 10,
mend the best man in his regiment for
an important daring service. He had
decided on me. and l knew that 1t was
to enable him TO get the captains pun
Off OH the general. He sent me to bri-
gade headquarters with a note. When
the general read it, he burst into Il
laugh.
well, Mr. Prettyman," he said, 1.-The
colonel says that you may not be his
best man. but you're pretty man. and
he thinks you'll make a pretty good
man. Bright man, your colonel"
1 made no reply-aloud. but ground
my teeth and said inwardly. "I'll do
something to stop this business or die"
The same night l went into the enc
my's lines, found path by which we
might get TO the base Of fortified hill
we wanted and returned to the gen.
ernl with my report.
General I said, las reward for
my service. which is without the line
Of duty-that is. voluntary claim the
right to command the force OF which
must he the guide to the rear OF the
hill"
He thought a moment. then his face
lighted up. Selling pen, he wrote a
note to the general commanding, stat
ing my claim. my reasons, and recon-
mending me cordially. ending with the
words. Hes the prcttiest man In the
division for the work" After reading
his note over three times. chuckling ev-
cry time. he handed 1t TO me and told
me to take II TO the general In chief.
The general in chief was too intent on
the work to be done to remark upon
the pun. and l congratulated myself
that this time I would escape. / was
doomed to disappointment.
At o'clock In the morning I led a
battalion around by the path had dis
covered. attacked the hill In rear-an
attack In their front being made at the
sound OF my guns and carried the fort.
was commended In orders by the
commander in chief. who ended his
commentator as follows: --
Lieutenant Frettyman is not only Pref
lyman. but pretty brave man. and has
done a pretty good work fer his country.
BY this time had got ahead of my
name. or. rather. that desire to be con-
sidered witty which ovegpowered my
superiors, and was rapidly promoted
from one grade to another. When we
returned to the United States I COM
manded my regiment
But all the sufferings from my pecul-
lar name ! endured i'm Cuba were des-
tined to he atoned for in one sweeping
revenge. The general who had recon-
mended me rs fitted to command the
attack Oh the fort we captured upon
reaching home. in order To get OF his
favorite pun. insisted on introducing
v,a IN his fa, 10 iii ec,r;ch