Arizona republican., 1905-03-23
By eeIest Burgess and Will Irwin.

Mar. young man." said Coffee John. pointing the stem of his pipe at the lad in the red sweater, "seein' we've all agreed to testify, s'pose yer perceed to open the ball. You come in fust an you talk fust. I ain't no fly cop, but 1t strikes me you're bit different from the rest of us. though we're all differ ent enough, the Lord knows. Yer Jacket fits yer an that alone is enough to mvke yer conspicuous in this ere shop. I see a good many men parss in an art from be'ind the counter, but don't see none too many O the likes O you If I aint mistook, you'll be by wye O bein' wot I might call amatoor at this ere sort O Twin. an one as would find a joke werever 'e went. You'd larf at a bloomin' corpse. you would YOu1l never grow up, young fellar; give yer that stryte, before yer even open yer marth."
 ''Even so." said the youth. "Then shall now proceed to let the procession of thought wriggle, the band play, and the bug hop. The suspense, I know is something terrible. so I spare your anxiety" And with this fanfare he began to relate.
 THE STORY OF THE HARVARD
 FRESHMAN.
 When I received a cordial invitation from the Dean to leave Harvard the second time-on that occasion it was for setting off ten alarm clocks at two minute intervals in the chapel-the governor flew off the handle. My kid brother that was to sidetrack the let ter from the faculty, got mixed on his signals and the telegram that the old ha olr bridge office out of business. He said that had foozled my last drive, and. although a good cane, is sometimes made out of a crooked stick, he washed his hands of me and would I please take notice that the remittances were herewith discontinued.
 I noticed After I'd settled up and given my farewell dinner to the Insti- tute where they were sorry to lose me because I was playing a cyclone game on the Freshman Eleven. I had $9S, and twelve hours to leave the college yard Thinking it over. it struck me that the keenest way for me to get my moneys worth was to go out and take a sub graduate course as a hobo, do the Wyckoff act, minus the worker and prayer meetings. wasn't going to beg my meals-there was where the pride of the Collins stuck out-but I was willing to stand for the rest-dust, rust and cinders As a dead head tourist, ninety-eight bones would feed me and sleep me for quite a while. I swung on a south Boston f1ier for my first lesson in brakebeams and tumbled off mighty sick at Worcester.
 It's a long tale with hungry inter vals. until I found myself in the pound at Peru. H., for smashing a Fresh brakeman and running up against the constabulary. The police judge of that hustling little Western center is paid out of the fines that he collects. Ii is a strange coincidence that when was searched I had s47.2O on my per son. and my fine for vagrancy and assault came to s4O.77 with the costs The judge was a hardshell deacon.
 Next week after I crawled out ot the underground Pullman at Louis vile I was watching Senator Burke's racing stables come in and I was hum gry enough to digest a sand bar. Il being work or beg, I says: Heres where break the ethics of my choseI profession and strike for job" There was nothing until one of the hand! mentioned for a joke that a waiter was wanted for the dining room where the niSSer JOckeyS ate. IL IS only matter of sentiment" Said I to my self" and my Massachusetts ancestori fit and bled and died to make freedmen out of the sons of Ham. Here goes fo a feed" I took the place, collectini a breakfast in advance, and threv chow for three meals at coIored gen tlemen who buried it with their knives ''If I am the prodigal son." says I t myself. "these are the swine all right.
 There was a black exercise boy il the bunch who played the prize Berk shire hog. He was rather big for
 man about the stables. Superstition held that he could lick everything ol earth, and he acted as though he wa a front page feature in the Police Gag cite. During the fourth meal he go gay over my frank, untrammeled wa of passing Soup. By way of reparte dropped the tray. tucked up my apro and cleared for action.
 First, I wiped off one end of the tabl with him. the way the hired girl han dles crumbs. Then I hauled him ou into the light of day, so as not to mus the dining room, and stood him u against the pump and gave him tn