Waterbury evening Democrat., 1905-02-09
THE GRIDlR0N. NEW SET
 OF RULES
Humorous and Sarcastic Rep.y to the Opponents of the Sturdy Football Players.

During all this howl for new bootball rules, George Ade submits the follow ing:
 Under the revised rules, which I am now submitting through the medi- um of your valuable paper, the test of a players ability will be his class standing. It is hoped that these rules will be approved by the W. c. T. U., Prof Harry Thurston Peck and that Vast army of editorial writers whose knowledge of the game has been ob- tained by reading the headlines. Wal ter Camp may object to some of the provisions, but what care we:
 Selection of players-The eleven players constituting the team shall be selected by the faculty, and the. stu dent who has received the highest grade in Greek anthology shall be cap- tain of the team. No student shall be eligible for the team unless he is up in all his class work and has an estab- lished reputation for piety.
 Weather conditions--In case of rain, snow, high wind, extreme heat or ex. treme cold, contest may be indefinite ly postponed, or transferred to class room.
 ''Preliminaries--When a team ap. pears on a field for a contest. it shall greet opposing team with the Chau tauqua salute, which consists of way ing the handkerchief. After this q few minutes of social intercourse, with friendly chats concerning books and writers, may precede the opening of the game.
 Substitute for the toss. '--Instead of tossing a coin to determine which side gets the ball. the two captains shall be called upon to extract the cube root Of number given by the professor of mathematics. The captain who is first to hand with the correct solution gets the ball. ae.
 Advancing the ball--The ball hay. ing been placed in the center of the field, the umpire, who must be a pro. lessor of geology, exhibits to the team having possession of the ball a fossil All members of the team who think that they can name the geological period to which the fossil belongs hold up their right hands. The umpire se- lects the player to name the period. If he answers correctly, he advances the ball two yards. If, in addition, he gives the scientific name of the fossil, he advances the ball five yards. If no member of the team can answer thu questions propounded by the umpire, the opposing team shall be siveh a trial. If successful it is given the ball.
 .' Rotation of umpires--.After each touchdown there shall be change of umpires, so that the questions asked Of team may, during the progress of a long and exciting game, cover the class work in zoology, applied meta physics, veterinary science. Sanskrit, obstetrics and other useful studies.
 Outside plays-Any player who makes grammatical error, mispro- nounces word or seeks assistance from fellow student, shall be deemed guilty of an outside play, and his side shall be penalized at least five yards.
 Substitute for kicking goal-After touchdown has been made, the team making it shall be credited with five points, and the captain of the team shall translate 500 words of Caesars Commentaries. If he does so without an error bis team is given an addition. al point, the same as if a goal were kicked. If he fails. the ball goes to the opposing team on the twenty five yard line.
 'Resuming play-On resuming play after touchdown one of the players. to be known as it. is blindfolded ana the other players join hands and circle around him. singing:
 London bridge is fai1;Dg down,
 Falling down, falling down,
 London bridge is failing down.
 So farewell. my ladies'
 While the players are circling about the player known as it touches one oi the other players in gentlemanly manner and asks him three questions, which must be answered. Then he tries 10 guess the name of the player. If he succeeds. he kicks up the bal. and advances it five yards.
 Conduct during the game-No push ing. scuffling or boisterous conyersa- lion will he permitted. Both players and spectators must maintain absolute silence during the mental tests.
 These rules probably will require further elaboration, but as they are given herewith they arc sufficient to start the game on 8 new and humane 6! stem"