The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1905-05-21

4 y H. Il i,
reign In new houses are remorse, regret,
self humanity, an overwcening sense Of
approaching bankruptcy and the ever
pcrceptiblc tendency to Kick ones SELF
On every side you butt into towering
monuments of your stultitude. Here
you see n door that Is entirely unneces-
sary; there you observe where you have
wasted twenty square feet in hall space.
On this side. there Is n superfluity of
windows; on that the prospect Of Sty-
ginn darkness when the adjoining lot Is
butt u7. The man from across tho
street looms up with his greHsone store
Of architectural "reminiscences, and tells
you that you have made the mistake OF
your life in not having steam heat. From
the block below comes the sapient old
lady who swcnrs by open fires, and In
sists that latrobe stoves are killing babies
faster than the axe kills spring chickens.
Out from the brush Of tho extreme
suburbs. stalks friend who warns YOU
that your llot-air furnace Will wreck your
home and ruin every piece of furniture i'll
1t. If you have gas instead of cleo
tricity, one friendly demon will insist
that electricity would save you five dol
lars a month. If you have electricity,
another equally friendly imp will stub
bornly affirm that gas Is n thousand
times cheaper. In short, almost before
YOU have gotten acquainted with your
new ncighbors. 1t will seem to YOU that
prove you colossal blundcrbuss, and
that they have succeeded monstrously
we'll in establishing their case.
If your recently acquired habitation is
extra linc--or you think 1t is extra zinc,
which is the same thing-you VII, In the
first stages of your enthusiasm, be ab-
solutely miserable for fear YOU will SOL
It. Half OF your time at home Will be
spent In laundering out threats at the
children for seeking to besmear the walls
or to dig out holes in the plasterlng. You
make yourself uncomfortable by showing
the youngsters how carefully you are
going to move about. Indeed, you even
wear your slippers so that the floors
may not be scratched, and you go to the
unusual extreme of not smoking In the
parlor, lest the room be made mulodorous,
though as a matter of fact your proboscis
is already feasting on the all pervading
smell! of new paint, and shifting the
lime and plaster which comes up in
clouds from the floor. so rcverential
are you towards the snowy walls that
YOU hesitate even to drive 4 tack III
them for the purpose of hanging up n
calendar. Later on, when the sense OF
novelty wears Of. all this will be changed.
but the metamorphosis can only DO
wrought by time
Incidentally while you are revealing
in your new possession you viii discover
various and sundiy loose bricks. which
influme your heart against the contrac-
tor. and make you fear the house Will
collapse BY and by, too. YOU will be-
gin counting the creaky or rough planks
in the floor, and the leaks in the pipes,
which are liable at any moment to flood
the establishment or perfume tho house
with escaping gas, suggestive of the at
mosphere OF a sewer. Next the new
paint will begin to blister in the sun
and the doors will warp, while the win
dows will swell and defy you to raise
them Not for a minute are YOU bored.
There's something doing all the time, and
it's principally discord, When not infu-
rated with the children for beginning
their work Of destruction. You are in
censed with the cook for showing so little
enthusiasm. And If the cook placates
you. there Is still the contractor to be
vlifcd, or the tax-assessor to be cursed