Los Angeles herald., 1905-11-12

obsequies the mask was torn from the
! American humorist to examine the llst
and discuss it for the Herald readers,
| Mr.. Ade again returned to the critics.
| "Tll examine the list all right he
| said, land discuss it, but not as a
| humorist or as anything else. 10 tel
you the truth, do not know just what
am until l read the papers the day
after the play of mine is produced, ana
seldom then. Out in Indiana, Where L
| own a farm, they look on me as
dramatist, and in New York, where my
plays are produced, they consider me
a farmer. | would not mind beng
called the first AIDE to the Melancholy
| that could mean so many different
| things. But no one apparently ever
| thought of that but me. So we Will
dispense with titles and look over the
| list as private but public hearted cit-
zens."
Mr.. AIDES sprightly manner vanished
as quickly a it had come, however,
when his eye fell upon the represent
ative jokes.
II knew it was too good to be true,
he said. MT. jerome has made the
mistake of listening to an Engish
scientist, and we might have expected
that he would be wrong on jokes. The
| first on the liSt-about the chicken, /
mean-isn't a joke at all. Nobody ever
| laughed at it, and nobody ever knew
of ANYBODY who laughed at it, and
| Joke has to bring a laugh. It's mere
ly an inquiry into the habits of the
chicken, and as such only interesting
to the colored races.
"That leaves us twelve but only for
a moment, for, although / am not a
married man, some of my friends are,
and [ am reliably informed that moth
ing about a mother-in-aw can possi-
bly, be looked upon as a joke.
Cuts Down the List
Number three we will let stay in,
| for although in some quarters it is
contended that marriage is a serious
thing, it is every day being considered
more lightly. Any one who reads the
newspapers knows that that is right
THE fourth variety, however, will
have to go. Owing money is not
humorous; it's tragic. Anybody who
does not believe that can experiment.
Let him owe a little he cannot pay
and see if he finds any humorous re-
Taxation in it. Owing is the next sad
dest thing to be owed, and that is the
saddest thing in the world.
Number five, the love variety, is all
right. Anybody will tell you that love
is a funny thing, and when they catch
| ii their actions show 1t. / VIII also
allow number six-the woman variety
"a place on the list, 1t is only fair
to state. however, that l am scarcely
competent to judge of this. as I am a
bachelor. While all bachelors-per-
manent and periodical-loolS at the
matter in the same light as l, from
| what some of my married friends have
told me 1 believe there may he another
side to the question.
"As to the gambling variety, which
| is listed as number seven, | absolute
ly deny it admittance. There is moth
ing humorous about gambling. True,
I never won bet. ! don't see what
that has to do with it.
1.-THE whisky variety, number eight,
is all right. however. 1t has been
rightly called the humorist's best
friend-the joke, not the whisl<y-and
has stood by every professional laugh
maker-or, perhaps I should call them
attempted laughmakers-loyally. That
brings our list up to four and that's
about all we can admit on 1t.
1.-THE Irish and the Hebraic jokes are
| character studies and not jokes at all
| The ministerial variety comes from
| Philadelphia, and nothing coming from
| Philadelphia can possibly be thought
funny AS for number twelve little
boys are not a joke; they are a nui-
sance The so-called weather variety
which is number thirteen, instead Of
| inspiring laughter, has only melted
people to crime.
80 you see, instead of thirteen orig
inal Jokes we have only four. l knew
your news was too good to be true
The only thing a humorist can do is
to sit quiet until some Nansen or
Peary of humor discovers a fifth, and
with that to work on we can all get
busy"
Back to Jerome
But Mr.. AIDE was not to have the last
word. That lay with Mr.. jerome, who,
after first barring the secrets of the
jokesmith's trade TO the worlds eve,
promptly set about to destroy ii en-
tirely. When told that Mr.. AIDE had
edited the list of the fateful thirteen
and left but four, Mr.. Jerome went