The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-08
THE C. o. D. MAN.
He Starts Out On His Annual
Tour.

copyright, 1905. by Eugene Parcells1
II am the original and only C.. o. D.
man in the world said the tramp
sitting beside his bundle on a bench
in the city hall park. ST am so
called because I demand cash on de-
livery. When the cold cash is hand
much he has given and that his char
ity has come to a finish. At the same
time I know how much I have re-
ceived and can make my arrange
think it of account to man like me
to know whether he can occupy a bed
in the Waldorf-Astoria tonight or
must sleep under a straw stack in the
suburbs, but assure you that it
makes quite difference.
ITO those who know me best I am
often spoken of as the Dilapidated
Gentleman. This refers to my outfit
and to my manners. 1 dress like other
tramps, but when it comes to man
l was born gentleman and know
what belongs to the blood. 1 am also
alone and original in that.
Thanks for the quarter. l am a
little short this morning and this will
come in handy. Yes, I am off today
on my annual tour. The lilacs and the
bluebirds are here again, the songs
of the whippoorwill are floating about
the night very comfortably In an old
barn without an eiderdown quilt over
him. There are people waiting for
me, and there are scenes I wish to
revisit. 1t will be the state of Penn
sylvania this time.
1.-TWO years ago as I wandered along
the blue Juniata, I came to a roman
tic dell. Seated in that dell was
romantic maiden. Upon discovering
her DOTTED my cap and made one Of
hn0crnd
for the intrusion. She saw at once
that I was a Knight of the Golden
| Cross in disguise, and her surprise
and pleasure overcame her natural
shyness. I sat beside her on a moss
grown log and we talked. She was
not a damsel in distress, and couldn't
rescue her, but made things as
| pleasant as possible by singing bat
tie hymn and love ditty. also told
! her about four hundred lies in re-
gard to Palestine, chivalry and the
Crusade. They were soft and gentle
| lies-lies that wouldn't hurt a baby.
She had always wanted to meet a real
Knight, and it was not for me to de-
stroy her romance and her illusions.
| I'VE did not pledge our love. 1t was
simply understood that she should
| shake the young dairyman she was
keeping company with and wait for me.
She offered to wait for fifty years, if
needs be. but gave her my word that
two would be enough. I shall see that
| river of song again. I shall see that
romantic dell. I shall find Sarah sit
| ting right where found her before. 1
shall have to tell her that have gone
out of the knight business, and that
| the last overflow of the Mississippi
swept my fortune away and made it
impossible for me to marry, but shall
tell her gently and in a brotherly way,
and have a clean bandana ready to
wipe her tears of disappointment
away. 1 shall further advise her that
<,c H.
constantly going up, she can't do bet
ter than to encourage the young man
of the dairy to return to his love.
"On the crest of a sun-kissed hill,
broad acres of a farm I sat on the
top rail of a fence one day and
watched the cattle chew their cuds in
contentment, and listened to the
robin calling for his mate. 1t was a
dreamy picture of peace on earth and
good will to men, and I got off the
fence and approached the house to ask
for a, drink of buttermilk. I was met
by a husky and heartless hired man.
| and because / had boil under my
arm he took occasion to lift me three
feet high with his cowhide and run
me off the farm.
I'm about a week L shall be there
again. I shall climb that long and
shady hill, and as I reach the crest
shall see peace and contentment
spread out before me in the sunshine.
I shall sit on that same fence and have
| the same thoughts, and by and by
shall approach the house as did be-
| fore. The husky hired man will meet
me and be cheerfully ready to do more
kicking, but inside of five minutes he
| Will be a licked man and wondering
| when the thunder storm came up.
| Ten miles further on there is a
| White farm house nesting in grove.
| A widow lives there. She has seen her
| so years, but she still has romance in
| i there a
| 1 arrived just as a one-horned COW was
| thinking of eating the widow and her
| grass hammock together. I was dog
| tired and hungry, but the call of a dam
| sci in distress was an elixir. I rushed
| in, grabbed that old COW by her one
horn and Topped her on her back and
/ dragged her out. 1t was what any di-
| lapidated gentleman would have done
unrer the circumstances, but the widow
4 made much of it. She declared that
/ had saved her life from being munched
alive and that she must show her graft
| tude, and for a week her home was
| mine. She rugged me out in a suit of
| clothes once worn by the departed, and
| after I had a shave and a hair cut I
| had nothing to do but read poetry to
| her and eat hot biscuit and clover hon
| ey. She did not take me for knight,
| but for an actor and when 1 partly
| confessed that I was leading man she
| stood ready to put up $4,000 to put an
i Uncle Toms Cabin on the road at once.
! She had admired actors since she was 8
years old, when she had seen a busted
| one footing it along the highway for
| New York, and she had wanted to be
an actress since she reached the age of
| 10, when she was taken to a theater
| and saw a sewing machine girl drink
| cold tea for her supper and then marry
millionaire two hours later.
1.-The widow limited that she was not
| yet too old to act, and that was ex-
| pected to hustle around, and I should
| probably have found myself in a fix but
| for an old widower who wanted her and
her farm, and was jealous of me. He
hired a constable for SIS to look upon me
| as a suspicious person. and one evening
| when I was smoking a cigar at the
gate was seized, dumped into wagon
| and driven ten miles, dumped out and
| told to get hump on me.
shall he hack there within few