The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1905-06-11

Books could be written ON the bright
side of life in Astoria if one had the time
to devote to the yarn spinning brigade
known as the commercial traveller. Herr
are few samples heard in Astoria the
past week:
A young drummer who always takes
in all the dances and buys icc cream
after the ball is over believes that our
teachers could not help human kind morr
than by anchoring the following truth.
in the minds OF the little maiden schol
lars:
Dancing too much makes a girls feet
large; too much ice croam produces
| Observation-Disclosures holes in mans
pocket book; hanging on the front gate
brings on consumption and neighhor's
disgust. chewing gum distorts the mouth
into a shape resembling a hung hole; =;
too much playing on the piano destroys
the shape of the hands--and the peace
of suffering community; washing the
dishes causes chaps-to propose
A. Y. Smith tells the following case
I -. yIohn Nshn had haaV "a
ported dead in number of the Idaho
papers:
1t would appear that the miner had a
keen sense of humor. for in reference OF
an obituary of himself which appeared
in a Boise City paper the alleged dead
man addressed the editor with view Of
correcting certain misstatements in the
said obituary. my dear sir wrote he.
relative to the obituary Of myself ap'
pearing in the issue of the END ult., |
beg leave to call your attention to sev'
eral errors therein. In the first place.
| I was born in Massachusetts, not In
Rhode Island. secondly, my retirement
from the liquor business in 1890 was not
due to i'll health, but to the fact that !
was unable to secure renewal OF my
license, and thirdly, the cause of my
death was not heart disease
Another popular drummer gives the
following as an essay of Portland girl
on King Henry, the eighth,
"King Henry 8, was the greatest Wild
over that ever lived. He was born in
Anna Domino in the year 1866. lie
had $40 wives. besides children. The lat
was beheaded, the 2nd revoked. She
never smiled again But she said the
word 'Calasis' would be found on her
heart after death. The greatest man in
this reign was Sir Lord Garret Wesley
He was sirnamed the boy preacher. lie
was born at the age of fifteen unmar'
ried. Henry 8 was succeeded on the
throne by his great grand mother, the
beautiful and accomplished Mary Queer
of Scots. sometimes known as the lily
of the Lake, of the Lady Of the Last
Minstrel"
In speaking of the laws delays an
other knight of the road says;
The state supreme court has affirmed
the decision OF the four lower courts il
the famous Steyens'-Smith COW case
which was begun fifteen years ago, an'
has cost $500 in attorneys fees an'
court costs The value Of the COW wa
$50 and she has been dead II years
Stevens placed the COW in a pasture ff
teen years ago. When he was in Cali
fornia the owner Of the pasture sold il
with his heard, including Steveno' COW
to r. NJ Smith. When Stevens returne
he demanded the COW, offering to pay 70
her pasturage. Smith refused to Civ
her up and a long legal fight begaI
Stevens says he will carry the case t
the federal supreme court if possible.
A Portland drummer who cndeavOur
to make Seaside every Sunday submit
the following poetical eifusion for tn
Astorian:
only wish and wish that coul
fish and fish and fish; I'd like TO roai
the livelong week along the banks
Necanicum breakdown where the lace
ferns foat-and fish and fish and fish fc
trout. 'Tis shameful that on this fire
soil man must toll and toll and to
and sweat and groan and bust his mai
tingale and moan; grow old and bald b.
fore his time in following the fcsti'
dime. All, life would be a festive dreai
if one could strol along the festi'
stream with rod in hand at early dawl
no comrade but a demiiohn, 1.-THE latte
filled with lemonade) TO walk there j
the leafy shade-what higher bliss coul
mortal wish! All, let us 20 and fs
| nni Oh