davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11

cause l don't want one Of those, crooked
sabers run into me and turned around
like a corkscrew. Dad says | can stay
in a harem while he goes to the noun
tains with the bandits, and l don't know
as | care, as they say q harem is the most
interesting place in Turkey. You know
the pictures we have studied in the old
grocery, where a whole bunch of beau
tiful women are practicing useing soap
in a marble bath.
Well, don't you say anything to ma
about it, but dad has got his foot in il
clear up to the top button. 1t isn't any
thing scandalous, though there is a
woman at the bottom of it. You see, we
used to know a girl that left home to go
out into the world and earn her own liv-
ing. She elocuted some at private par
ties and sanitariums, to entertain peo-
pie that were daffy, and were on the
verge of getting permanent bats in their
belfry, and after a few years she got on
the stage, and made a bunch of money,
and went abroad. And then she had
married a titled person. and everybody
supposed she was a duchess, or a count
ess, and ma wanted us to inquire about
her when we got over here. Ma didn't
ant us to go and hunt her up to board
with her, or anything, but just to get a
glimpse of high life, and see if our poor
little friend was doing herself proud in
her new station in life.
Gee, but dad found her, and she amt
any more of a duchess than | am. Her
husband is a younger son of a titled per-
| son. but there isn't money enough in the
whole family to wad a gun, and our poor
girl is working in a shop. or store, sell
ing corsets to support a lazy, drunken
husband and a whole mess of children,
duchess, she does not rank with the
woman who washes her mothers clothes
at home. Gosh, but dad was hot when
he found her, and after she told him
about her situation in life he gave her
a yellow-backed %ffty-dollar bill, and
came back to the hotel mad, and wanted
to pack up and go somewhere else,
where he didn't know any titled persons.
That night a couple of dukes came
around to the hotel to sell dad some
stock in a diamond mine in South Africa,
and they got to talking about how Eng
lish society held over our crude Ameri-
can society, until dad got an addition to
the mad he had when he called on our
girl, and when one of the dukes said
America was being helped socially by
the marriage of American women to
titled persons, dad got a hot box, like
a stalled freight train.
Says dad, says he: "You Johnnies
are a lot of confidence men, who live
only to rope in rich American girls, so
you can marry them and have their dads
lift the mortgages on your ancestral es-
tates, and put on tin roofs in place of the
mortgages, cause a mortgage will not
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11

man that he invested In a racing stable.
and the servants bowed low to the ola
man and called him Your 'ighness,' ans
that settled the old pickle person, and ne
fell into the trap Of building a townhouse
in London.
Then he e home and made some
more pickles. and the daughter called
him to come right over, as they had been
invited to entertain the king and e lot of
other face cards in the pack. And the
old man thought it would be great to get
in the king row himself, so he shoveIed
a lot of big bills into some packing
trunks ard went over to fix up for the
king. The castle had to be r~edecoraied
for about six miles, up one corridor and
down the other, but Old Picl. les stood
the raise, because he thought it would
be worth the money to be on terms of in
timacy with a king.
Then when it was all ready. and the
old man was going to stand at the front
door and welcome the king, they made
him go to his room, back about a half
a mile in the rear of the castle, ard for
two weeks old Pickles had his meals
brought to his room, and when it was
over. and his sentence had expired, he
was let out, and all he saw of the grand
entertainment to the crowned heads was
a ravine full of empty wine bottles, a
case of jimjams for a s~on-in-law. a case
of nervous p%rostration for a daughter,
and hydrophobia for himself. NY old
pickle friend has got, at this date, three
million good pickle dollars invested in
your id island, and ali he has to show
for it is a sick daughter, neglected by
a featherhead of a husband. who will
Ionly speak to old pickles when he wants
more money, and a grandchild that may
Gle teething at any time. You are a
nice lot of ducks to talk to me about
your English society being better than
our American civilization. You get"
and dad drove the dukes out.
think they are going to have dad ar
rested for treason. But don't tell ma,
cause she may think treason serious.
Yours, HENNERY.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11

shed rain, and you get their money ard
spend 1t on other women" One of the
dukes turned red like a lobster, and l
think he is a lobster, anyway, and he
was going to make dad stop talking, but
the duke didn't know dad, and he con-
tinued. Says dad, says he: 81 know a
rich old man in the States, who made
ten million dollars OF pickles, or break
fast food, and he had a daughter that
was SO homely they couldn't keep a clock
going in the house.
She came owe here and got exposed
to a duke, and she had never been vacci-
mated, and the first her father knew she
caught the duke, and came home, ana he
followed her. Say, he didn't know
enough to pound sand, and the old man
got several doctors for her, but Shey
couldn't break up the duke fever. and
finally the old pickle citizen asked him
how much the mortgage was, and how
much they could live on, and he bought
her the duke, and sent them of, and the
duke covered his castle with building
paper, so it would hold water, and they
set up housekeeping with a hundred
servants. Then the duke wanted a rae
ing stable, after the baby came, and the
old pickle man went over to see the
baby, and 1t looked so much like the old
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
FROM OVER THE OCEAN.

The peanut crops in German East
Africa are threatened by a new dis
ease which makes the plant turn black
and kills it.
All the members of the city OF Lon
don police force are learning, In
squads of 60, in the police gymnasium,
the art of jiu-jitsu.
Recently two French engineers sue
ceeded in reaching the summit of the
Fourclad Agnelli, in Switzerland, an
altitude of nearly 1900 feet.
Epizootic lymphangitis is devastating
the stables of the south of Ireland, and
has stopped hunting for the time. 1t
was introduced into the country by the
horses Of a battery from South Africa.
The first monument to trade union
ism was erected recently in Melbourne,
Australia. 1t is called the Eight
hour Monument" as it is in commem-
Grafton of the eight-hour system.
which was begun in Austrai.a 48 years
agO.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Fast Time with a Heavy Train,

Drawing a vest!huled train of ten
cars weighing 1,2OS, $50 pounds, one of
the Erie's new standard passenger
locomotives Of the Pacific type, at
tanned a speed Of II miles an hour, on
a grade of As feet to the mile entering
Port Jervis, on her trial run from Jer-
sey City. A speed Of 81 miles was
maintained on a level stretch and 27
miles on the climb over the hill from
Middletown, where the grade runs
from SO to 81 feet to the mile. The
locomotive and tender weighed 389 $50
pounds, earring $500 gallons of water
and 16 tons of coal, and is the largest
passenger engine ever built. The run
was the best ever made over the Erie
tracks and foretells what may be ex-
pected in the transportation wei "the
picturesque Erie" when its new equip
usent Is placed in service.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11

ian gangs that hold up a train, and get
IN express safe full of greenbacks, and
shoots up a mess of railroad hands and
passengers with Winchesters and au-
lomatic pistols, and blows up cars with
dynamite and gets away and has to have
q bookkkeeper and a cashier to keep
their bank accounts straight, could give
those old Claude Duvals and Sixteen
String Jacks cards and spades.
But civilization, dad says, has done
much for the highway robbery business,
and he says we in America have arrived
at absolute perfection. However, I was
much interested in looking over the
ground where my first heroes lived and
lied. and did business, and when we
went to the prisons where they were
confined, and were shown where Ty-
burn Tree stood. that so many of them
we're hung on, tears came to my eyes
1t the thought that | was on the sacred
ground where my heroes croaked, and
went to their deaths with smiles on their
faces, and polite to the last. The guard
who showed us around thought that dad
and | were relatives of the deceased
h~ighwaymen, and when we went away
he said to dad: Call again, Mr.. Duval.
Always glad to serve any of the descend
ints of the heroes. What line of robbery
are you in, MI. Duval?" Dad was mad,
but he told the guard he was now on the
stock exchange, and SO we maintained
the reputation of the family.
Then we hired horses and took a horse
back ride through Rotten Row, where
everybody in London that has the price.
rides a horse, and no carriages are al
lowed. Dad was an old cavalry man
forty years ago, and he is stuck on his
shape when he is IN a horse, but he came
lear breaking up the horse back parade
the day we went for the ride. The liy-
eryman gave us two bob-tailed nags. a
big n for dad and a small one for me.
but they didn't have any army saddle for
dad, and he had to ride on one of these
little English saddles, such as Jockeys
ride races on, and dad is so big where
he sits on a saddle that you couldn't see
the saddle, and | guess they gave dad
a hurdle jumper, because when we got
right amongst the riders, men and wom-
en-, his horse began to act up, and some
one yelled, "Tally-ho," and that is
something about fox hunting, not a
coach, and the horse jumped a fence and
dad rolled off over the bowsprit and went
into a ditch of dirty water, and the horse
went off across a field, and the policemen
ashed dad out Of the ditch, and run him
through q clothes wringer or something,
and got him dried out, and sent him to
the hotel In an express wagon, and | rode
my horse back to the liveryman and told
him what happened to dad, and they
locked me up in a box stall until some
body found the horse, cause they
thought dad was a horse thief, and they
held me for ransom. But dad came
around before night and paid my ran
som, and. we were released. Dad says
Rotten Row is rotten, all right enough,
and by ginger 1t Is, cause he has not got
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
AMERICA SUPREME IN TRADE
Statistics Show Conclusively That
This Country Leads the World
in Commerce.

During the last month, for the pur-
pose of ascertaining the facts as to
Americas relaive position, industrially,
among other nations, | have studied the
statistical reports of our own and other
leading nations, says a writer in Cent
Per Cent, and the Investigations and
comment CT almost every important
daily and financial journal in America.
The" universal verdict of the press, ire
spective of party affiliations, is that
Americas supremacy has been estab-
lished and that the nation faces the
dawn of 1905 steadied by the knowledge
of the s%tupendous truth that, CONNER
cially, among the other nations of the
world, she stands for the first time in
the forefront and alone. The response
bility which comes with such knowledge
is SOLDERING.
But the report of the bureau of statis-
tics of the government S department OF
commerce will of course carry greater
conviction than the news reports and
opinions of w the most reliable Jour
mails. This reports figures are in all
cases estimates, except of the census OF
1900, but are approximately accurate;
however, for the most important items
the actual figures are available.
In cotton consumption the percentage
of increase between 1880 and 1903 in the
United States is 107 per cent, as against
Az nor cont in tho tpitnJ 1irnIo-, ro-
many and France combined; in pig ron
437 per cent. of increase for America,
against 102 per cent. increase in the
united kingdom, Germany, France and
Russia combined; in coal 364 per cent.
increase in America, against so per cent.
increase in the four European countries
combined.
And as the percentage of increase is
larger, so the actual quantities Of these
three articles consumed are larger. The
consumption of cotton in the United
States in 1903 exceeded by 33 per cent,
that of the united kingdom and was
nearly double that of Germany and
France combined; of pig iron, the con-
sumption in the United States was con-
siderably more thar double that of the
united kingdom; of coal, the consump-
ton in the United States was nearly
double that of the united kingdom and
fully double that of Germany.
America has 2 1000, 900 people, a total
wealth of $1O6, OOO, 900, 900, and the cash
value Of the cotton, orr and wheat
crops for the year is about So, 012, 900, 900.
The new year will be one of almost I'M
paralleled prosperity.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Patent Medicines.

AS a rule patent medicines are put up
by laymen or self-styled doctors who have
little or no knowledge of drugs, or the
requirements of the human body. BY adj.
vertising on a large scale, they often man.
age to dispose Of lots of their ware
Fredericksburg il really not a patent
medicine, 1t is prepared by DR.. Pusheck
a rel physician, who has practiced in
knows how good this remedy is, and that
it can be depended on in all cases of Rheu.
matism, Weakness, Nervous Prostitution
and all Stomach and Bowel complaints
DR.. Pushed: gives all sufferers an oppor.
tunity to test his Kuro by offering to send
a trial treatment to be paid for only when
it cures. For more information write tc
DIR. Pusheck, Chicago, Ill. Advice free.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
he smell of that ditch of his clothes

the smell of that ditch of his clothes
yet.
Nov he has got a new idea, and that is
to go to some country where there are
bandits. different from the bandits here
in London. and be captured and taken to
the mountain Businesses, end held for
ransom until our government makes a
fuss about it. and sends warships after
Us. | tell dad it would be just our luck
to have our government fail to try to get
us, and the bandits might cut our heads
off and stick them on a pole as a warn
ing to people Drt to travel unless they
had a ransom concealed about their
clothes. But tad says he is out to see
all the sights, and he is going to be ran
somed before he gets home, if it takes
every dollar our government has got. |
think he is going to work the bandit
racket when we get to Turkey, but, by
ginger, he can leave me at a convent, be-
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11

BY HON. GEORGE w. PECK.
Ex-Governor of Wisconsin, formerly pub
Usher of 'Peck's Sum-" author Of
"Peck's Bad Boy" ete.)
Copyright, 1904, by Joseph b. Bowles)
LONDON, England.-My Dear Old
Skate: Well. if We are going to see any
Of the other countries on this side OF
the water before III return ticket eX-
pires, we have got to be getting a move
on, and dad says in about a week we will
be doing stunts in Paris that will bring
about a revolution, and wind up the re-
public of France, and seat some nine
spot on the throne that Napoleon used
to wear out his buckskin pants on.
Dad asked me tother day what l cared
most to see in London. and | told him
| wanted to visit Newgate prison, and
the places made famous by the bold
highwaymen of a century or two ago.
He thought l was daffy, but when | told
him how had read Claude Duval' and
'Sixteen-String Jack" and all the high
way literature, in the haymow, when dad
thought | was wedding the garden, he
confessed that he used to hunt those
yellow covered books out of the manger
when I was not reading them, and that
he had read them all himself, when |
thought he was studying for his cam
paign speeches, and so he said he would
go with me. So we visited Homestead
Heath, where Claude Duval used to ride
BLACK Bess," and hold up people who
Travelled at night in post chaises, and we
found splendid spots where there had
been more highway robbery going on
than any place east of Missouri. but |
was disguised when | thought what
chumps those old highway robbers were.
compared to the American highway rob-
bers and hold up men of the present day.
In Claude Duval's time he had a brace
of flint-lock pistols, which he had to ex-
anime the printing every time a victim
showed up, and while he was polite
when he robbed a duchess, he used to kill
people all right, though if they had had
cameras at that time the flash from the
printing pan would have taken a fash
light picture of the robber, so he could
have been identified when he rode off in
he night to a roadside inn and filled up
On beer, while he counted the ten shil-
lings he had taken from the silk purse
of the victim. Why, one of our Ameri-
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Poor Ambulance System.

London, which has $4,000 street &C
cidents in a year, is still only talking
OF horsed ambulances and an ambu-
lance system. At present the police
trundle the wounded in a push-cart
to the nearest hospital, where they get
the first surgical attention. The
Standard is trying to stimulate the
authorities by quoting New York to
them.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
AUCUR FOR DRILLING SALT
Compressed Air Furnishes the Power
for Working the Device Which
Mines Mineral.

In Muskegon, Mich, salt is used in
large quantities, and, consequently, the
warehouses Of the firms dealing in it
are capacious enough to store away a
considerable supply, says Technical
World. AS is well known, salt. or &C.
count OF its affinity for water, is a SUBJ
stance that has a tendency to harden aud
cake when piled away any length Of
time, and some OF the cellars where it
is stored contain beds of it 20 feet high,
and 50 hard that but little impression
can be made upon them even with the
pick or ak. For this reason a somewhat
curious device has been brought into use
to loosen the material so that it can
readily be secured. This is a large boz
ing tool, or augur, which is operated by
compressed air. The augur is mounted
on a wheeled truck, which is guided by
handles projecting from the rear Of the
framework. The rear end of the augur
revolves in a socket fitted into the frame
work, while the air is admitted to the
socket from the hose which supplies it.
When operated the boring tool Is pushed
against the mass of salt and the augur
is set in motion and in a minyte Dir two,
so rapidly does the tool work, a hole
about FIVE inches in diameter " nal.de in
the formation the entire Length o. the
augur. Then another hole is drilled par
e'ael with the first, and another. until
tbs pile has been undermined, sc 70
speak, when its contents can easily be
broken out. The advantage Of this meth
cd is seen when it is said that two men
can get out as much salt by the power
method as two dozen men by using picks
and shovels.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
English Shopkeepers.

The upper class in England is sink
ing; the middle class is rising rapidly,
and those who belong to the former
keep shops in assumed names, while
those who belong to the latter endeav-
or to conceal that they themselves are
connected with trade. The converse
ton of both, however, betrays that
they are shopkeepers.-London Truth.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Doubted ITS Newness.

In a certain home where the stork re-
Gently visited there is a six-year-old son
of inquiring mind. When he was first
taken in to see the new arrival he ex-
claimed:
20, mamma, it hasn't any teeth! O,
mamma, it hasn't any hair!"
Then, clasping his hands in despair, he
cried: Somebody has done us! It's an
old baby. Philadelphia Public Ledger.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Private Car Lines.

The railroads seem very willing to
have thu private car lines brought un-
der the jurisdiction Of the Interstate
Commerce Commission. A railroad
president is authority for the state
ment that lines are paid mileage, with
out discrimination, and the question Of
excessive charges is a matter for the
shipper to settle with the a lines, SO
long as there is no law to govern their
rates. Car mileage paying has been de-
cided to be as legal as the payment Q;
rental for property.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11

Write to S. G. Warner, G. P. & T. A.,
Kansas City. Southern Ry, Kansas City,
Government Homesteads, New Colony
Locations, Improved farms, Mineral lands.
Rice lands, and Timber lands and for
copy of Current Events" Business On
portunities, Rice book, K. C. S. Fruit
book. Cheap round trip homeseekers'
tickets on sale first and third Tuesdays Of
each month. The short line to the Land
of Fulfllment."
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Wanted Another Flood.

Tommy-Say, nam, were all the bad
men destroyed by the flood?
Mamma-Yes, dear.
Tommy (who has just been licked
by his father)-Say, nam, do you
think there is ever going to be another
fiood?-Pittsburg Dispatch.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
elf-Respec

WELL" demanded the warden of the
prison, what are you kicking about
now?"
I'm kicking about this striped suit"
remarked the new convict. "All the
silly dudes are going in for stripes now
and it's a shame to make us wear EN-"
Philadelphia Press.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Would Arrest Him.

President Castro Of Venezuela wants
% invade this country with an army.
New Orleans could undoubtedly handle
the attack without a large increase in
her mounted police force.-Pittsburg
Gazette.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Works Both Ways.

PATIENTLY greatest trouble is in.
somnia, doctor. / can't get any sleep
at all.
Doctor-Oh, that's easily remedied.
Before retiring soak your feet in hot
water.
But | don't think the trouble is
in my feet, doctor. 1t seems to be in
Iay head" =
"Oh. well. soak your head."-Chi
cago Tally News.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Getting Even.

Anew York woman is sueing her moth
er-in-law for $4,000. This is practical.
A man who disliked his mother-in-law
% that extent would foolishly make jokes
about her and think he was getting
square.-Buffalo Express.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
With the Other Implements.

Gladys-Yes, Dick is going to marry
the one with the auburn hair. He says
he's got the pick of the family.
Esmerelda-Well, when he becomes
hotter acquainted with her disposition
hell find he's got the hammer and
tongs of the family, likewise .-Chicage
Tribune.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Certainly, Animals Think.

Church--Do you believe that animals
think?
Gotham-Certainly; doesn't the car
hog who takes up all the seat think he
owns the -car?-Yonkers Statesman
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Japan's Largest Lake.

Lake Biwa is the only large sheet
Of fresh water In Japan worthy Of men
ton. 1t is So miles long, ~ miles
wide, and its greatest depth about 300
feet.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Well Worth the Money.

Blanche-Did Mr.. Smith have an
expensive funeral?
Grace-Yes; his wife probably
thought the lend justified the means"
Princeton Tiger.
Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1905-05-11
Quality Brings the Business.

Seven million 1900, OOO) Lewis "Singls
Binder" straight Sc cigars now sold an.
nually. Made of extra quality tobacco.
Many who formerly smoked lOc cigars are
now smoking Lewis "Single Binder"
Lewis Factory, Peoria, Ill.