The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-06-04

I SEE that lot of military shaTps are
discussing the question of how IN
Gle Sam IS ultimately going to be
I thrashed when he gets so cocky that
the other powers decide to remove him
from the map" said the KnOcker. with
q smile. "Ou paper its going to be the
| easiest job il the world. OF course his
first licking is going to be al the hands
of his oId-time boss, Johnny Bull The
/ exact casuS belli the military shaTps
don't tell US, but the chances are that
II viii arise out OF an export tax on
! American made DuchesSes. The time
viii doubtless come when these high
! pTOtectioniStS down in Washington VIII
make the foreigner pay taxes as well as
/ the domestic victims of their principles
and in my judgment they viii begin on
these Impoverished dukes who come
| over here and win the bank accounts
of our beautiful billionairesses- This
tax if sufficiently high viii deprive 50
many ancestral British homes Of new
roofs and up to date plumbing that the
London var Office VIII be forced TO
take notice and send d few cases of ul-
timatums over to our secretary of state
demanding d rebate. These viii be ig-
I uOred and war viii be declared
And them" said Redface- "A great
naval battle off Sandy Hook, New York
and her skysCTapeTs bOmbarded into
/ smithereens- an invasion from the north
/ resulting in the capture Of Chicago, and
Nothing of the sort" calculated the
! KuOcker- You can't knock Uncle sam
[ out that way II viii he a far Subtler
! method They viii set Hall Caiue.
Marie Coreili. George Bernard shaw and
I A w PiUeTO to work on US. aided and
abetted by Alfred Austin. and George
lT..rr "a
/ erately to work OF an intellectual bonn
/ bar5ment of the Americans which viii
/ IN time result in the undermining OF
! The American mind. spread seeds of lu-
I macy and paresis in our midst and in
/ due course knock Us silly The ad-
/ vance guard of Caine and COTelG VIII
/ dfflict us with the most horrible night
! mares. in the cOnCOcJiOn Of which they
I are without their equals in the civilized
/ world ,aud get our nervous systems so
4 worked W that a few dramatic assaults
/ by Bernard Shaw and Pinero VIII be
/ met with the very slightest If any re-
/ Sistauce. This done, our minds weak
] Cued and our nerves shattered, single
/ poem by Austin and mind racking
/ paragraph BY George Meredith would
I easily administer the coup de grace. and
Johnny Bull would have Us down
1T is a terrible prospect" said Red
/ face. But suppose the French began
/ il instead of the English
1T would even be more horrible,
/ shuddered the KnOCkeT- And between
you and me Redface. I am not sure that
the French have not already begun it,
/ What, declared war on the United
! States2" cried Redface-
The very same" replied the Knock
/ ct. only with deep. dark and damnable
| secrecy. Even we are not awake 20 the
[ fact yet. but il is my belief that the
/ French are even now striking an in
sidiCUs blow at our happiness and pros
I perity that finding US unwaTned and
/ unsUspectins viii land Us i'm chaos"
: You surprise met cried Redface-
Where do you find the symptoms Of
! this secret assault
In every cookery book that has been
/ published in the past twenty years. "
1 said the kuOCker sOlemnly. In every
hotel menu from the bounding waters
/ of the AroostoOk TO the shimmering
/ sands Of the Golden Gate. IN every
= cafe from the heights of the Alamo TO
! the waste places Of Fifth avenue, New
/ York. There isn't an eating place III
J New England. cuisine in the MisEis-
/ sippi valley. a lunch counter on any
enc Of the great railway systems Of the
! west. or a dining car in the service Of
the travelling public that is not the Turk
! ing place OF the dyspepsia breeding
germ Of French cookery. Look at the
| variety Of eggs that man eats and conf
pare them with the eggs his ancestors
cherished Where our forefathers ate