Mexico Missouri message., 1905-09-21

in this position Mr.. Croker succeeded
IN manipulating It, and he gleefully
told me Of 1t at the time.
Before starting from London fol
Vantage one day Mr.. Croker asked me
10 go to n furniture dealer with him
he had some purchases to make. AS
we entered the place he said TO me
"We've only half an hour in which "a
catch the train" But the way he
bought furniture did not make him
lose the train. lie would say, pointing
20 n dresser:
"IIow much is thatT
"Slx guinens, sir" -.
"Glve me six Of them" ~
Pointing TO another: w.
GLOW much is that OneT"
give guineas, SIR"
"Wcll, seven of those" and so on.
with such rapid fire, even though he
expended more than n thousand dol
lars, and not ut haphazard either, there
was ample time to catch the train.
The incident, though slight In Itself, is
Indicative Of his qulckncss Of decision,
but It so utterly upset the dealer, ac-
customed TO English deliberatlOn, that
he begged permission to wait until
next day to prepare an itemized bill.
Past Masters Of Sarcasm.
/ went one day into n London res.
taurant where great many people
were dining, yet absolute silence pre-
vailed instead OF the buzz Of chatter
and laughter OF French or American
restaurant. asked n waiter:
doesn't any one ever laugh here"
yes, sir" he replied. Sometimes
we ave complaints, sir"
The first natives TO accOst an Amer
never failing source Of amusement TO
me. They abound in natural wit and
are past masters Of sarcasm. One Of
the l'.arpest bits ever heard was told
about an old cabby and one of his
younger fellows. The former was
master Of whip and rein. lie boosted
that he knew every foot of London and
declared that, although lie had been In
many tight places, lie had never failed
to drive out smoothly. One day, how
ever, lie lost control Of his horse and
ran into young cabby's outfit. The
younger man looked him over conde-
scendlngly, contemptuously, and then
asked:
"Well? An 'ow do you like Lon
dom"
A friend Of mine once took n cab
drawn by an animal which was bony
In the extreme. The driver has hailed
by the Jchu Of passing cab with:
"Oi saiy, Bill, l see yer goin' to ave
new 'Orse."
80, told yer so"
"W'y, see we got the framework
there"
The Merciful Policeman.
Every summer when | revisit Eng
land some old acquaintance is sure to
say, "Ar. Wilder those stories you
told last year are awfulIy funny" 1t
has really taken him about n year to
get at the points Of the various tales.
He doesn't lack appreciation Of humor,
but he is so accustomed to having 1t
served in only one way that he is
puzzled when 1t appears in n new
form. One day told an English au.
diencc about New York's fire depart
mont and its methods. Great interest
was manifested, so l ventured to tell
the old story of fire in an india rub.
Der factory. This factory was a large,
tall building, and when the alarm of
fire was given one of the employees
found himself on the top floor, with
burning stairs under him. His only
chance was to jump, but the pave
mcnt was so far below his windows
that death seemed inevitable. Sudden.
~ he bethOught himself OF the elastic
Of rubber, OF which the
room was full. Could he envclop him
self with it he might jump and strike !
the sidewalk softly. So he donned rub.
Der coats, belts, diving suits and every |
thing else he could find until he made !
the serious mistake OF putting on too |
much, for when lie jumped he re. |
bounded from the pavement again and |
again continued to do so for five days, |
when merciful police officer came
along and shot the poor fellow to save
bin from the awful fate Of starving to
death.
About half an hour after l told this
Veracious story one OF my audience
came to me and asked:
"Alr. Wilder, do you think that Do
Ice officer was justifed?"