The citizen-Republican. (Scotland, Bon Homme County, S.D.) 1???-19??, 1905-08-17
AN AMATEUR SMUGGLER

gentleman swung aboard the Chevy
Chase car the other morning looking as
fresh as the daisies by the roadside.
Hello, BILL" said the sa~ndy-comple1-
Toned person in the back seat. "When did
you get back to this neck O. the woods?
Last l heard of you, you'd~gone abroad
with your wife to see the sights of the old
country"
ooh, I've been back a month"; respond.
ed the cumbersome gent. But my better
half Is still across the pond with her kin.
folks"
Right here 1t should be known that the
tall, cumbersome gentleman Is of. the Ideal
type-at least, he has that reputation. TIC
be sure, he smokes occasionally, but he
! looks not upon the wine when it is red, and
on Sunday he teacehs Sunday school out
K~ensington way. In other words, he Is one
Of those scrupulous persons who walks the
straight and narrow like an amateur
walks a tightroI. H| married a cleve,
little lady Of the mischevlous sort. and
that Is the cause of this pitiful tale.
Have a good trip" asked the sandy
person In an effort to maintain the con.
versation.
Fine, fine" replied the man with the
scruples, except that the wife worked
one Of her rude and rasping jokes on ma
when | came home. and as Il result my
conscience will worry me for the rest OF
-S NNs = i-S ohAiN~t tSfh' w -
have a mania for smuggling goods through
the custom houses, and | blush to admit
that my wife is not an exception. Well.
sir; when l received a cablegram from
my boss to hurry home at once on import
ant business 1t was decided | would nave
to come home alone. The day before l
was to sail my wife blew into our apart
ment at the hotel with an armful Of
truck which she calmly announced she
was going to put In my trunk.
when she unwrapped the stuff l saw
laccs and gloves and peekaboo apparel
until you would have thought she was
travelling agent for a ladies' furnishing
house.
do you expect me to lrg that line OF
goods to America with me- 1 asked.
Certainly she said.
" But the duty will amount to so much
said |. while If you bring the stuff over
you can get 1t in free as wearing apparel.
That is just why want YOU to take
IT, replied my wife. You can snauggle
this in, and then when L come l can bring
some more
We'll, sir, when that word .smuggle'
reached me I nearly passed away. I'll do
almost anything but lie and steal, and to
my way Of thinking, smuggling Is q little
Of both.
'Smuggle 1t in I gasped. Why Cath
crime, what do you mean?
~ \ lCaIA oHluSSle II III, lGlolleu lHdS
wife Of mine. Just put some Of it here
and some Of 1t there where the customs Of
tlcers won't look for 1t; tip the Inspector
y s. note, and you'll squeeze 1t through all
eight
The next ten minutes was devoted to
one Of the red hottest curtain lectures
you ever read about. I handed her enough
good husbandly advice about honesty and
truthfulness to fill eight books, and when
l finished l thought l had put her on the
quiet. She whimpered a bit and said some
thing about my being cranky and rude
and mean, and then she went off to bed.
1T took me an hour to square myself.
but she promised to never mention snug
gle to me again. She acknowledged It was
wrong to smuggle, and the family hotili-
ties were dispensed with. Bright and ear
ly the next day 1 set out to give the part
Ing hand to a few London friends and
when 1 returned home I found my Sara
toga packed and ready for shipment. l
thanked the little lady and we mad
tracks for the boat. The adieus We're the
real thing, and all the way over to this
side Of the briny I was cherishing the
thought that l had the dearest, sweetest
and withal the most reasonable help1neet
that ever Joined hands with a mucker like
yours truly.
As we howe to off New York 7 was
handed a telegram from my boss-not my
wife, understand, but the boss what hands
me my w~eekly-saying as l must hotfoot
to Chicago without even giving my squint-
ers a treat to glimpse at the Bowery. So
me for the train, and my trunk was
stacked up In front Of the door at our
comfy bunk house near Chevy Chase
lake.
In the course Of two weeks I pulled
STAKES IN the west and steered for home.
Everybody was tlckled foolish to see me,
irrlt1iipua Hon tho dog and NipriD tha
cat. The trunk was there, and as my lin
en- was all to the bad, I pried open the
There, staring me in the face. was a
note IN a dainty blue envelope addressed
to Walter. dearest Talk about your
mushy superlatives and saccharine moth
tngs, the first page was so fun of them
that the standing room only sign should
have been displayed. But the second page
Its a sin and a shame to discuss 1t, and
/ wouldn't tell you about it IL you weren't.
a pretty good friend of mine.
Turning over the new leaf, the epistla
ra1nble something like this: Now. Wall
ter, my love, unpack your trunk carefully.
When you come to your tuxedo coat, look
in the inside pocket and take out a pair OF
long kid gloves. In the outside pocket of
your tuxedo you will find two more pairs
of gloves, while stitched inside the lining
OF your brown silk smoking Jacket YOU
will encounter a few yards of Irish point
lace.
What do sou think of that?" demanded
tall. cumbersome lad. showing his
rage, And that wasn't all, by a long
shot. I found eighteen other varities OF
ladies' wearing apparel In that trunk. and
capped the climax by uncovering a small
pearl necklace that ] had never cast my
squinters on before. AT the end of the
doleful note that sweet and demure wife
Of mine said. THAT is about all / can re-
member, Walter, but examine everything
carefully, my darling, because you might
run across something else. You are such
a dear, sweet husband, and as an amateur
smuggler you can't be beat
The sandy-complexioned person sup
pressed a smile but the rest of the com
muters in the back seat gave the blue
eyed lad the merry ha! ha!
-. - III now, gentlemen Resumed the
amateur %smuggler, Il want your advice as
to the better manner In which can chas-
tise tina better half of mine when she
shows up on the premises
The commuters shifted uneasily In their
seats, but there were no volunteers.
Change cars for Georgetown II the
avenue. bawled the conductor. and the
farmers wendell their respective ways
With a feeling Of pity for the lad with the
blue eyes.