davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
His Evening Welcome.

Newliwed-"My wife Is very thor
ough and methodical housekeeper.
She's great trouble saver"
Nagget-"So's mine. All the trou-
BILE she has during the day she saves
up to fire at me when come home at
night"
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

No. King Edward. you are not pow
erful enough to set up the fashion OF
bracelets for men, and they are al.
ready worn by dudes.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

A Chicago newspaper says that John
ID. Rockefeller is rich beyond the
dreams of avarice." Rot! Avarice
never closes an eye.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
The Fictitious Bootiaek.

THAT Thomas cat must be very
DID," said the first feline
II guess he is,' replied the other.
"Oh, he must be,or else he's just
using his Imagination. He claims to
have seen bootjack once in his young
days"
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

There is some hope for the plain
people. A Georgia Judge has SEN
fenced a chauffeur to long term Of
Imprisonment for running down n
farm wagon and injuring its occu.
pants.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

The Baldwin flying machine lighted
in tree. The only genuine and orig
inal flying machines also light In
trees.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

So Mr.. Schwab has made" $780,
900 and Mr.. Gates $6,00O,000 in the
merry game of manipulating stocks.
Our sincere condolences to the bleat-
ing lambs who lost their money.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

A minister says Manhattan island is
named In the Bible. Certainly-that
island Is heaven on earth--if you are
not bankrupt.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
He Mas Envious.

The Groom--You look envious, old
man.
Best MAXWELL, am.
The Groom thinking he's iD-Of
whom?
Best Man-Of the minister. He told
me you gave him $40.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

They say parting the masculine
head OF hair in the middle has really
gone out. The side parts the thing.
Besides, it's more masculine.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

Prof. Langley may retort to Prof.
Baldwin that anyway he wouldn't
give much for an airship that won't
stand when hitched.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
:1,ssf,tIPs FROM 'THE OLD BCoCk

dishes; some of them are hard enough
even to spell"
Browne-"Well, my experience is
that most of them spell indigestion. "
Philadelphia Press.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
Who Was Conceited?

IF there's anything | hate it's o
conceited person, and that Blowley is
certainly the limit"
What makes you think him con-
ceited?"
He told someone he knew as much
as l know"
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

A st. Louis woman has left her
comparatively new husband because
ne is too good natured. 1t surely is
hard to suit EN-
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

King Edward has just celebrated
his sixty-third birthday, but he hopes
chat he Is in no immediate danger of
losing his job SO that place may be
made for a younger man.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

The fifty Italians who plotted to
burn the Norfolk, Va, navy yards are
to be shipped out of the state. The
Virginians think this is worse than
capital punishment.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

Now that her husband is the King
OF Saxony, Louise, who ran away with
Giron, seeks to join His Majesty In
the exercise of the divine right of
kingship.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

Uncle Sam must be something of n
farmer when the statistics show that
the railroads received more than 3463..
100000 for simply moving his 1904
crop.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

Young Mr.. Thaw's pretty little cho-
rus girl offers to give him UP for $780,
900. But what can pretty little cho.
rus girl be expected to know about adj
yalorem?
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
SPELLING and Digestion.

Towne-"My objection to these
French restaurants is the difficulty of
understanding what the menu says.
can't read the names of half the
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

Really. the correspondents in 50.
Petersburg aren't doing their full duty
70 the world. Are there any indications
Uet that the new baby 10 going TO have
y tooth?
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

Bachelors will tell you that matri.
mony also is among the doubtful
states.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

There is cat in London worth S..
000-jnst as there are postage stamps
that are worth" $1,000 or so apiece.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
NOTHING East About Him.

Gladys (sighing)-Oh, dear, he
hasn't proposed yet.
Ethel-Well, what can you expect OF
a chap who never runs his auto over
ten miles an hour!-Puck.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

DR.. Hirsch tells us that marriage Is
no picnic. The doctors text is older
than the Pentateuch.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

France produced 5000 novels last
year-percentage adapted for perusal
by The Young Girl not stated.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
No Mistake.

Diggs-poor Blowitz The fool
killer got him at last.
Biggs-Why, thought 1t was case
Of suicide.
Diggs-So it was.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
Asked and Answered.

Professor-lf a patient had drunk
sulphuric acid what would you give
him?
Medical Student-Td give him up.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03

information by Mail.
Rastus-"What's yo gwine to do dis
fall?"
Johnson-"Tse gwine open a school
an teach chicken stealth by mail"
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
Hadn't Tried Il.

Hadn't REQ ".
Mrs. Pinkleigh-Have you tried that
new complexion cream that has Just
been placed on the market?
Mrs. Newrich-No; don't think our
milkman handles 1t.
The Republican. [volume] (Mountain Home, Idaho) 1903-1909, 1905-01-03
There ls, Indeed.

City Editor-Why do you say he ran
into the police station putting and
blowing? Putting" and blowing
are synonymous.
Reporter-Not at all. There's a
vast difference, for instance, between
putting a man up and blowing him up.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31

land eff she would become Missus Thack- erson. Jinerally its mighty few wimmin you can purchase with money, and them few resides in the outskirts. Callie Per kins, gleeful an laffin. called his bluff, and lowed she'd tumultuously accept that proposition, putin in an amendment to
 the original resolution that CT months
 time should be allowed to her in which
 to fix up her trewso, and other weddin'
 fixins. This motion prevailed younan- nous, and they lined out for the Jestss of the Peace, and got a deed writ with
 ernun whereases, and aforesaids, and
 incorporeal hereditaments and other jaw-breakin' dnguses set out in it to con vey the Western Hemisfear. an binding Callie, good and strong to become Mistress Thackerson, all right ernuff.
 '.rhese jewdishul purceedin's made Harv. feel vivid and gala a whole heap, inducin' him to git that colty and jocund and beat wasn't hardly big ernuff to con- tain him. but E-paminondas was so
 clogged in his enjoyment to seem plumb loogubrious. Looked like Harv.
 was bound to win out. yet Callie. at in- tervals, beamed on Pam in a wide and
 balmy way. which that totterin' imbecile treats with frigid deecorum, and wouldn come about her. muchly, altho' Callie had
 give 1t out in the beat that in her opinion
 
 her society ruther too numerous. One day Pam was ridin by the spring, close to Callies house, when he hearn a pierc-
 ing scream in that little gals best sprano vice. He lit off en his nag wuss than CT thousan of brick, and tore thru the bushes like harri1in, yellin', "Callie I'm coming" Arriving thar in pair of seconds with his eyes blazln. his fists doubled up, and loolSin' in gineruf fit to massacre any Twin thing threatenn that little gal Thar stood Callie as demure as a pea in a pod. sorter pantin and
 blushin' lookin' good ernuff to eat at a bite
 Whats the matter" gasped Pam, mighty near beloved with his runnin .I saw a horrd ugly lizard, ses she, "and Pam, l got CT splinter in my eye
 and I want you to help get 1t out" So for about five mnits she had that lunk-
 head CT foolin' with her eye, her purty face upturned to his, her red lips in
 handy reach and him sarehin' for splinter that never existed, but delrious- lv enjoyip' every mite of the searchin'.
 Endurin' of this tea-party she confides to him her intenshun of becoming Mig. Thackerson, but she declars hersef on the pint of maxim 1t Mig E-pamnondas Thackerson, if she can get the consent of Mistew E-paminondas Thackerson, his- sci"
 '.Pam was jest a burnin' up with the joy of this news. and thars heaven in his looks as he takes his bride to his breast with CT hug as tender as liftin a invalid preacher"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31
Leas Cut Of for Money.

London Correspondent New York Sun.
 A suit brought against the Taff Vale railway for compensation for injuries has revealed an example of nerve for which fe Is difficult to find parallel. The plaintih claimed that the polt of train threw him against door. which opened and allowed him to fall across the track. The train passed over both his legs, which had to be amputated
 The company produced evidence which Jeff no trace of doubt that the plaintiff had not travelled by the train. but had deliberately placed his legs on the tracks and allowed the train to run over them for the sake of getting compensation from the company and s5o0 from the pro- pretors of periodical which offers that sum to it's readers If any of them loses both legs above the ankles in railway accident while in DO ess noissotfehrfdwlu accident while in possession Of the paper.
 wben the plaintiff was found he was n.rfactlv conscious He produced three noclet handkerchefs. tied them together and showed the man who found him how to make q tourniquet. The man himself nroperly adjusted the bandage. The fact that there was not the slightest mark on either his body or his clothes. although he weighs 210 pounds and the tran from which he claims to have fallen was trav- cling at the rate of thirty miles m hour, aroused suspicious and inquiries followed. A mass of evidence was produced show ing that the man ran the risk of losing his life and the certainty of great suffer ing simply for the sake of the money he might get in the way of compensation.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31
, MOONSHINE IN ALABAMA ]? The Genealogy of Pam Thackerson s.e.o.o.c.o.c.c.o.o.o.co.<o
 UN vANDvER
The Genealogy of Pam Thackerson
BY WELLINGTON vANDIvER.
. RoFEssoR Bunk Goggins pressed a handy
 ( Iil,o.uI 1..,antit.. of i,llac intn ihe sick

handy ducks, liable to set Up with the sick, shave the dead, tote things for the gals at pic-nics tall bolt and calf at mill<in' time, kick dogs out of Ch'uch, break yearlins and lick the school bullies for imposin on little boys
 Cheerful as a jay-bird, nuthin' peared to relax him in the least until little Cal lie Perkins interduced hilarious features Into bithesome landscape by appearin' on the scene, numerous and aggravatin {, draggin that eediotic Hary. willin' cap tive at her Charryut wheels. That fec male was as chock full of feminine devil ment as new molasses in July. An purity! An purty! Je-e-mes-es Rivers! That gal was purifier than the full moon shinin' ease-hardened bach, l alters had a ease-handened bach, I alters had a oscillation in the region of the umbillicus when she heaves in sight.
 These obsequies dragged along in the slow course of natur', Harv gittin' more unanimous and eager in his adoratfon, and Pam waxin' permiseuous and vague, not to say sedentary, in his pursoots. un- til Callie Perkins hearn of the trimmin' which Pam bestowed on the melodious vocalist from Polecat for mallln' re- marks invidious about the women of our beat. Then she begun to thaw like but ter on a hot bsSit, but that numbskull of Pam never 'peared able to discover it. Shed frisk and fret, and cast sheeps- eyes in his direction in vain the eegrejus lunatic never tux the hint; but Harv. 'opinin' that 1t was all intended for him, would caper about like a cricket on hot fryin' pan, waxing chesty. and swelln' up like a toad in fly time. Finally he got so vehement in his idolatry that he of- fered Callie CT thousand acres of bottom
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31

capital. or all merchants rated at more than S500o. a list of prospective automobile purchasers can be made up from the club directories
 Perhaps women are wanted to sell toilet specialties in their own towns. You get their names by advertising in the maga- zines. offering some attractive article at 25 cents, to induce a reply
 Purchase any sort of article by mail these days and your name becomes valuable commodity to be sold to other mail order houses, being rated largely according to the nature and amount of your purchase. In this accurate classifca- tion of people according to property oc- cupation personal tastes and family. therefore, it Is at once apparent that the old method of blindly sending -''' eircu- lars to names in city directory is a hit or miss proceeding and wasteful
 Mail advertisers have also gone far in the art of mailing circulars. Formerly they were dumped into the postoffice whenever ready to be sent, with little re- gard for the time circulars would be put into the addressee's hands But now the arrival of an advertisement is careful ly timed by the discriminating.
 Monday is a day universally avoided. for everybody receives the biggest mail of the week that day, and all advertise ments are sorted out rapidly and cast into the dreaded waste basket Tuesday, 1t has been found by careful experiment. the country over, is the day when every body receives the lightest mail of the week. So the advertiser plans to have his proposition arrive on that day, pref erably along in the afternoon, when prob ably there is no other mail for the re- cipient.
 Wednesday is also light day. Thurs day is heavier. Friday is heavier still Saturday Is almost IS heavy as Monday
 Formerly there were many skilful ways of disgusting mall advertisements but none of them was really deceptive. There fore. 1t Is now thought best frankly to send a circular for what 1t is, and many advertisers discard envelopes entirely employing mailing cards so attractive that no one will care to throw them aside without a glance.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31

The cook did as he was ordered, and served the roast beef for dinner.
 The captain ate until the platter was as bare as MT. and Mrs. Jack Spratt could have made it. and then looked up ex- pectantly and asked:
 "Where's all the rest O that truck?'
 What truck?" asked the bewildered cook
 Steak and other stuff. replied the cap tain.
 "Why. I supposed you wanted those things for supper. or
 Supper be hangedr roared the skip per. Get something else for supper. When you buy grub for dinner cook 1t. an don't be tryn' to starve me to death. I'm no vegetarrieri'
 Down in Calais they tell of a man who got up hungry the other morning and hunted around for something to eat. He boiled and ate twenty-seven eggs, and finding that they were good fresh eggs fried and ate nineteen more winding up with quart of mixed pickles and seven biscuits.
 The smallest sailor man who ever sail el out of Bangor, Little Johnny Mills. was famed for his underdeck capacity. One day on board the schooner Ruth Darling he ate his own dinner and also the share of two other members of the crew who had gone ashore and failed to come back. Then as he sat on the rail. smoking his pipe. Johnny astonished the cook by re- marking:
 Its poor grub an little of it ye have aboard O this one. It's close steerin' a man has to get a bit an sup.
 "Why. Johnny. what more would you have on top O that big billed dinner?" asked the cook.
 "Oh. we'll" replied Johnny, as he rolled his eyes aloft. .Oh. well, I'm thinking I could get away right now with a good hung O mutton an a few praties, an a plate Q puddin' and a bit O a loaf O rye bread-an half gallon O ale.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31
DOWN EAST APPETlTES.
Eighteen Fried Eggs Only Light Meal
 and Far from Record.

Bangor Me.-The men who do the hard work and breathe the bracing air Of down east have never been noted for deli cacy or whimsicality Of appetite, but some recent exhibitions of food destruc- tion have excited the wonder of the na- lives and the admiration of visitors.
 The other night tall gaunt man wan dered into a Bangor lunch room and after scanning the bill of fare for some minutes, hestatingly asked for some fried eggs. He ate what was set before hm, and liked it so well that he ordered more, then more and more, and so on until he had consumed six orders.
 As they serve fried eggs in that lunch room the six orders comprised eighteen fried eggs, twelve slices of broad, and six cups of coffee. When he had finished the tall man, who was from Prince Ed ward Island. carelessly remarked that he was not feeling very well that night, and as he didn't fancy the boarding house grub he had come over 10 town to get something light to tempt his appetite.
 The captain of a coasting schooner in the port of Bangor told his cook to buy roast of beef, some beefsteak and some sliced ham, together with a cabbage and other vegetables and four dozen eggs.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31

H PROFESSOR Bunk Goggins pressed a H liberal quantity of plug cut into the cavernous bowl of a cob pipe, and fixing serutinizing glance on the sky, observed
 Ever since l have got to be a tot terin invalid, with this yere roomatism, the weather is a subject of special in vestigation. Now it appears to my be- nighted mind that if the wind don't git out of the southeast we'll have enough rain to make a second Lake Free. These gray skies and larruppin rains tends to make a citerzen with a whole lot of fiserkal maladies like I'm in possession of sorter sentimental. an if there ain't a change shortly I'm liable to get plumb romantic.
 Tt was precisely such a day as this when there occurred a parliamentary fis- tie discussion at the still house over on Tarrapin, CT incident triflng in detail, but incidentally affectin' in its denoomong various high contracting parties residing in our midst
 "A bunch of us was distributed around Life Crosseys laboratory. sampling the product of the still, at intervals not too long apart and indugin in improving conversation relative to Chicken disputes, coon hunts, and log-rolin's, when we hearn the sound of minstrelsy coming up the path to the still house. 1t was a barry-tone voice trillin' a popular lay. esteemed favorite air endurin of the war by Wheeler's cavalry. and 1t reeted the fact that The Old Blind floss Come Tearin' Out of the Wilderness Down in Alabam'
 trhe chest notes of this TroubaJoor 'wobbled like iackass brayin in a soap
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31
TRAGEDIES OF THE SPIRIT
 ILLUSTRATED IN RUSSIA

From the New Orleans Times Democrat THE world is at this moment intently
 observing a mighty nations strug-
 gle for freedom. Throughout a realm greater than the Roman empire was at it's greatest. there is a duel to the death between the minions of darkness and the champions of light The main lines of the battle were traced long ago. Peter and Catharine reared the editice of the Romanoff might upon foundations which were bound to fall whenever the full force of the Occidental concepts should reach the Slav brain. The mon archs' methods were ruthless. as they had to be in that age. multitude of minor races were to be conquered and made docile to the Muscovite hand. A con tnental domain was to be brought within the dominion of law. The tide of barbaric invasion was to be rolled back beyond it's borders The dalliance of parliamentary government is of no avail for work of this sort. "Premere imperio populous' must be the motto, as it was with the Romans
 Throughout the recent past the story has been the same. Railways were to be built over deserts and through forests primeval. Millions of money must be sunk and on terms that would never ap- peal to the most speculative of capital ists. The statesman ot the helm must take account of many things not susceptible of debate. To perform these hereulean tasks. some autocrat must be master of men, their labor and their fortunes, IS the Egyptian kings were in the days when the pyramids were reared among the shifting sands. But, of course, no such autocracy was possible, unless the mass of Russians believed in the divinity of the kingship, as Engishmen and Frenchmen believed in 1t when Henry VIII and Louis XIV held the sceptre. And. accordingly, the Slav millions did believe. with a faith that was absurd and touching by turns With them the word of the Little ather was more potent than the utterance of any seer, with them q prayer to an tkor outweighed a petition to the throne. lt was the era of conventonalsm in church anu state-the objective, rather than the
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31
poinas of Real Americans.

From the Watonga C. ID Republican.
 Black Owl was a Colony visitor this week.
 Mir. Young Bull went to Cantonment Tuesday.
 Mir. Hunter and mother-in-law Sioux Woman have gone to Darlington this week.
 Mir. Bear Tracks went to Darlington last week and while there made Major Stouch friendly call
 MT. Red Hat and family passed through Wednesday from Cantonment en route for Colony.
 McPherson Prairie Chief, the assist ant farmer of Arapahoe, came in Mon day on business.
 Messrs. Rowling Crane, Pawnee Man, hed Teeth and Mrs. Red Teeth left Fri day of last week for North Cheyenne Agency, Montana.
 MT. Big Nose went to Kingfisher last week and took his daughter, Miss Big Nose, with him.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31
The Dear Little Girl.
e Minneapolis Journal.

From the Minneapolis Journal.
 One of those dear old gentlemen who were sent into the world to do good to it recently happened upon nice lttie girl who was standing looking somewhat wistfully at big, five-barred gate.
 "Oh, please, sir" she asked plaintively' twill you open this gate for me?'
 Smilingly the kindly old gentleman lift ed the latch and pushed it back. It opened easily. and he took the opportunity to point a moral
 Because thing seems big and heavy and difficult, my dear, Is no reason that we should not attempt at any rate to deal with it. This gate, for Instance, Is case in point. Had you tried you could have opened it quite easily"
 .'Yes, sir" she said demurely. But then I should have got my hands all over wet paint
 Then her benefactor contemplated a ruined pair of gloves, and sighed for the rising generation
The Birmingham age-herald., 1905-12-31

blue gown had passed the building while he was at work, and that his attention had been diverted from his duty. The Cadi thereupon demanded that the girl should be brought before him.
 "It is true.' she said, that l am pret- ty, but it's no fault of mine. If my gown attracted the mason. the dyer should be punished and not l."
 '.Quite true said the Cadi; send for the dyer
 The dyer was brought to the bar and pleaded guilty. That settled it. The Cadi told the robber to take the guilty wretch to his house and hang him from the door; and the populace rejoiced that justice had been done. But pretty soon the crowd returned to the Cadis house. complaining that the dyer was too long to be hanged as ordered.
 "Oh. we'll" said the Cadi, who by that time was suffering from ennui. go find short dyer and hang him! Justice shall prevail.''