Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-04-29
LIVING WITHOUT WORK

Philadelphia man who for many years
was one OF the most noted itinerant all
around fakirs in the world was in WASH
ington the other day. He Is past middle
age now. retired from the taking business,
and more than well-to-do. He Is not only
comfortably off in the goods of the world.
but he has an Imagination that doesn't
appear to be half bad, to judge from some
of the samples of 1t that he gave to an
amused group at one OF the downtown
cafes one evening during his sojourn here.
I often hear no-account chaps talking
about how hard it Is to get along in this
world" said the ex-king OF fakirs These
croakers make me weary. The world Is
easy-easy-" swapping his fingers as II
the subject was too silly to talk about.
When l was small boy. playing marbles
and shiny and peg-top. 1 looked about
me and saw all hands breaking their necks
trying to earn a iving-struggling, sweat
ing, striving, worrying. working. every one
of EN-. 1t was positively painful for me
to watch EN-, although l was only in knee
pants. made up my mind right then
that had a heap too big capacity for fun
to wear myself out working, and 1 deter
mined to make the world my oyster. Well,
I've been nibbling on the oyster ever since,
and the only work that you could call
work that ever did was four days of coal
heaving down in the stoke hole of Jap
anese steamer on which 1 was stowaway.
How's that for a record-oniy four days
work in forty years.
But how did you happen to have to
heave coal that timer he was asked.
Painful subject that. very" was his re-
ply. 1T was on my first globe trot, you
see, and hadn't then properly sized up all
of the nations of the earth. / was selling
'em Indian herb bitters, guaranteed to
cure anything from a broken neck to
weak mind, in Nagasaki. Japan, and throw
Ing in four yen with each bOttle-a bottle
of the bitters went for two bits Of our
money But the Japs didn't know then how
to take joke-dont know yet, for that
matter, for several Russian friends Of mine
have expressed the belief to me that the
Japs haven't any sense of humor anyway.
Every one of 'em demanded his four yen
with the bottle Of dope, and they looked
ugly when l tried to shuttle and hedge out
on that ruinous proposition. wore Wild
Bill wig ana the rest of a wicked makeup
when I vas selling the bitters, you know,
and 1 tried to look as fierce as knew how
to scare EN- out. But it was no go. They
dumped me out Of my jinriksha and tried
to slaughter me. i had to scoot for the
American consulate. leaving all OF my
money in the 'ricksha, and the Japs divided
it among EN- Left me cold broke, that
experience. The American consul gave me
the dead face when 1 struck him for pas
sage over to China. I was bound for China
and nowhere else, and so l slowed away on
a big Jap steam freighter bound for
Shanghai. The purser dug me out on the
second day out, and the first thing knew
l was toying with coal maui and shovel
down in the bunkers. Phew But that was
warm work, I keeled over on the fourth
day out, and when l came to they let me
alone for the rest of the trip. l decided
to quit the Indian herb bitters. though,
for they had nearly got me in trouble once
before in Ceylon A Cingalese asked me
IL the bitters would cure leprosy
Sure thing, says l. Inside Of twenty
minutes not knowing, of course, that there
were any lepers right there handy for me to
try the bitters
THE Cingaleses face lighted up when l
said that, and he bought bottle OF the bit
ters and dumped about half of 1t into his
brother, leper. standing right there pc
hind my palanquin. / saw right or that
there was going to be trouble and whole
lot of it If l stayed around there for any
twenty minutes, and 1 got my palanquln
bearers to carry me away from there
quick.
Say, you'll be surprised. but the worst
yaps I ever struck anywhere on earth were
the Russians. I think sold about hve tons
of axle grease corn salve for two ruples an
ounce box on one trip through Russia. felt
almos tashamed the way those Russians
fell over each other to buy my axle grease
corn salve: and the worst or II was that
In the larger towns where 1 stayed for
three or four days the pinheads that had
bought the stuff on the first day OF my
arrival came to me before l left and toid
me that the axle grease had entirety cured
their corns! Why, say, I was regarded as
a public benefactor throughout the entire
Russian empirel
II found the French pretty easy, too. The
first time / hit France l was selling west
Indian perfumed %beans. They were the
common garden variety Of American lima
beans. l dyed 'em blue and soaked EN-
over night in cologne. L used a Mexican
vauuero's makeup on this trip, ana sofa
the bears dozen for a franc with long
spell-bind about the natural perfume last
ing a thousand years so. Like finding
money, that bean fake in France.
"All of the South Americans. from Pana-
ma to Patagonia, are easy enough to gold
brick All over South America sold thou
sands of gallons of whitening tonic to make
the half-breeds pure white. L made II o
that wasn't harmful-dandelion roots. wild
cherry bark and such like. The govern
ments got after me finally, though. ana
that's the reason the half-breeds of South
America are still a sort Of reddish color.
Their governments wouldn't let me sell EN-
enough of my whitening stuff ysee.
THE Mexicans II buy anything. You may
not believe it, but l sold thousands Of dol
lars worth of common bar soap for re-
moving grease spots from fabrics while
down there on one trip, Notwithstanding
the fact that the buds worn by the people
who bought the soap were about as much
on the G-string order as the law OF the land
would permit. 1 sold EN- safety razors
that cost me two bits each at 50 throw,
which was about as low-down as l ever
played it, any man who ever used a
safety razor will admit
I'D have made a million out of the ma
lives Of the Fiji Islands II the Jealous
white residents down there hadn't choked
me off AS it was, I cleaned up a good
bit on the scheme I traded off red neck
ties with the Fijis for cochineal Cochi-
neal at that time worth about Its
weight in silver. The Fills went wild over
my stock Of red neckties, which they wore
without anything else in the way of trim
mings or accessories. and l had several
hundreds of the Islanders gathering cocht-
neal bugs for me until the whites shut
me off.
Il was cooking up a scheme to sell the
Kaffirs and Hottentots some stuff to
straighten their knky wool and make 1t
look as straight as a white mans hair
when the Boer war broke out. Thered
have been millions In that!'