The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-08-23
PILGRIM JOE.
He Falls by the Wayside, and Other
Things Happen.

rule the lamp of integrity guides my
footsteps and I go to bed feelin that
/ am a nursin' babe for innocence, but
at intervals my trolley slips OF the
wire and 1 go astray.
1 had reached the town of Hellso's
Hill on my travels. and had been re-
ceived with the honors due my posi-
ton, when a strange yearn1n come
over me to look upon the wine when
it was red may say in this connec-
ton that one of the virtues OF my hi
grim Pain Alleviator is the cure OF TINS
very yearnin'. Why I did not turn 10
my own cure I know not. It was PROB
ably the perversity of human natur'-
I didn't however. and after five or SIX
drinks of the red-Iooktn2 VINE was
full to the chin and boastn around
that this kentry could lick any other
nation on earth A Scandinavian,
long in the legs and broad in the
beam, took exception to my language
and fell UPON me and Wolloped me IN
til I could no longer holler. Durln'
the performance some one picked my
pocket of a wad of fifty dollars. and
some one else stole twelve bottles or
the Alleviator.
a conkered man. I had. Just sense
enough left to feel that I had made an
ass of myself and to get out of town
and into the first thicket 1 could ind,
where I abode for three days.
Human natur'. as I am flndin' 1t
every day. is a mighty onsartin guam
tity.
. It will run along day after day like
3 piece of machinery. and then al OF
sudden it begins to wobble about, ana
there's no tellin' whether the man Will
climb a tree or jump down a We'll
AT SIGH times use my Alleviator freely.
It may be taken in moderate doses eV-
cry hour and now and then a little
should be rubbed on the back of the
neck You may have to use two bot
ties before getting around on the tran
of integrity again, but you'll ind II
cheaper than booze in the end.
Agin, as 1 was on my way to the en-
terprisin' burgh of Jim Grow, met up
with a soft and slick old man who was
sellin' clothes wringers on the install
ment plan and had a wagon load OF
them. He had a guileless face and an
innocent eye, and after we had talked
together for a while and made out; that
we had made mankind better for haV1n
lived he asked me to wet my tongue
with some old Bourbon that had laid in
q cave in the hills for so years. When
1 had got one taste 1 wanted another,
and though realzin' that l was strayin
away from the paths of integrity kept
victim my tongue until things begun TO
dance around me, While | was Qraeu-
cally a helpless Pilgrim that clothes
Wringer villain stole my watch and $40
in cash. and I lay around on the prairie
for an hour and was rooted over by
hogs. When I come to, my old boss,
my nRnLln QOS, anu even my SldoS-
hopper in a bottle were lookin' at me
with eyes full of reproach
would say to my Teller man: Look
not upon the redness.
Look not upon anything stronger than
buttermilk
Ginger ale is a snare and root beer
temptashun.
He who sticks to water may lack
joviality, but when he gets home he has
all his money with him.
l,o1 cot font ont no
square in the town of Last Dollar, and
was takin' tin-types at ten cents a take
and selling the Incompatible Pain Al
leviator at the usual price, when q NOR
tai man come along and claimed to be
minister of the Gospil and wanted a dis
count. AS his language was full of mill
dams and other up to date features 1
doubted his Veracity and stuck for reg
ular prices. 1t was with reluctance, and
after calling me a liar, that he went
away, and I thought to see him no more.
was congratulatin' myself on havin'
cheered and uplifted his soul when he
returns and says:
Look a-here. old Peg-Leg; how
about that grasshopper in bottle that
you are carryin' around with your
HE is in the best of health and
speerits.'
''I don't believe it. It amt material
for hopper. to be bottled up. He's
a critter that's wantin' to use his legs
for jumpin' purposes every hour in the
day. He's a-pinin' and lamentin' and
sozrerin', his life away, and you've got
to turn him loose
May, friend. The hopper was an
orphan and alone in this cold world
when / found him, and he has become
content. Back to the woods with
thee"
But he wouldn't CO. He rose up on
his hind legs and yelled and shouted
and drawed a crowd, and when he
stated that I was inffictin' cruelty on
helpless inseck the populace indig-
nantly demanded thar the hopper be
set at liberty. I bent to the storm
That is, l turned the inseck loose He
hoped down from the wagon and
made about ten jumps to take the
kinks out of his legs, and then he
come back, looked into my face in
trustin' way and then re-entered his
bottle and fell gently asleep.
When the populace saw that I had
been merciful and tender with my cap
1--WE, and when they come to realize
that to turn him loose in q strange
country full OF cowboys and rustlers
would be putin his life in peril they
raised their voices as one man in nv
praise. Havin' received proper en-
enlargement from the mayor, 1 forti-
ned myself with a dose of the Allie
Vtator and then went in and knocked
seven bells out o the man who had
planned my downfall. Thus il is that
virtue trimphs and wickedness is laid
low.
While my hopper did not start out
with me originally, and while he come
into the show by accident, he has come
to be part and passle of nv mission
Now and then I come across a critter
who $50 fully believes that he has got
through with the world that neither
my cheerin' words nor repeated doses
OF my. Alleviator will lift him above
his troubles. In sich cases I fall back
on the hopper. He comes out of the
bottle to perform, or I drop an Okla
homa beetle in with him and get mn a
scrap, and in a few minits he who
thought there was nothin' more in life
for him is GRIMM and chucl<lin' and
making up his mind to give this old
world another whirI.
While the bottle is labeled Danger
ous-Don't Poke" that is only to scare
away those who might unfbfnLrir1ei'5
bring the hopper to grief. He is nosi.
tiNely without fiercanass nna III, -.