The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-04-09
The Reflections Of q Knocker
IN MiSfitS and Their Remedy
BY John KenGrick Bangs

would be for Nicholas to I'M
dertake a nice polite job of
that kind than to be wasting his
energy and wrecking his nerves in try
ing TO manage d wild automobile run
ming amuck like Russia He'd make a
dandy collector. In the first place he'd
be received every time he sent in his
card TO delinquent for the reason
that there isn't a naughty swell from
Newport TO Murray Hill who would
send word to a calling crowned head
that he was out. And of course unless
we are very much misinformed as 10
the manners and customs Of our social
leaders they regard the slightest ex-
preston of d wish by a pOtentate as a
command, and equally OF course they
would Immediately give up even if they
had to borrow the money to do it,
How would that please the car from
the income point of view?' asked Red
face.
We'll, [ can't say as to that" said
the knOckeT. but II he could earn 10
per cent upon what these New Workers
are said to owe he'd be millionaire in
a minute"
What earthly use could you find for
that funny little cuss Castro" asked
Mr.. Redface.
You've hit it" said the Knocker.
I'd grab hold of him and bring him
over 10 the United States and let him
90 his funny little cussing here for the
benefit Of Nenezuela'S creditors. We
need some ffrst-class funny men in this
country. Fellows that can really make
us laugh out loud. you know. and this
fellow Castro seems to have the max
ings of that sort of chap concealed
about his person. The suggestion Of
his to march on New Orleans and cap
ture the Mississippi. river with 80. 600
men Is the funniest thing I've heard
since ChaUncey Depew got off that
when is d door not door joke Prop
erly handled. we could make enough
out of Castro in one season TO pay Off
all the claims OF united Europe against
nm. and all you'd need to invest would
be a circus tent big enough TO hold him
and the people who'd want to see him.
And Why2 Simply because being dron
and iudiCrOuS and right down funny is
the stunt nature cut him out for. while
for governing a country he has about
as much capacity as a Boston bull ter
rler with a streak of Newfoundland in
hlm. Forty million people in this COun-
try alone would pay a dollar apiece to
look at him, and if they took him TO
Europe for a supplementary sea son
there'd be as much more toe be had
without its costing 1 per cent of his
gross earnings. How much better that
would be than sending warships down
there to bulldoze him and possibly to
get into scrap with some foreign pow
er over the exact significance of the
Monroe doctrine, II would make for
satisfaction of his debts. for peace on
earth. and general merTiment of all
mankind If l We're President ROose-
welt. Ia do it
oh. WelI-what's the use of begin
ming with foreigners" demanded Red
face. Why not tackle some of our
own men frst?"
I'm ready" said the Knocker I've
got little list any time anybody wants
it"
Who's on it," asked Redface.
Lots of people replied the Knock
er, making ready TO deDart. When
they've taken John y. Rockefeller out
of Standard Oil and made a revivaIist
of him and turned Tom Lawson into
garage for gasoline motor cars. I'll tell
you who the others are"
CCopyright. 1905. by X. H. Holmesl