The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1905-07-26

beside you when one bottle will surely
effect a complete cure if taken accord
ing to directions It might be men
toned here that the A1leviator, besides
giving instant relief in case of physical
pain, is also a potent remedy for:
Grief and heartache.
Mourning for lost husband.
Mourning for a lost wife.
It turns bankruptcy into a joyous
occasion.
poorhouSe.
It assists a young man to forget
when he has been thrown down.
It prevents man of seventy from
marrying girl of sixteen.
1t enables man VINO mas been kicked
by a jackass to forget who did it.
You can recognize it forty rods away
by the yaller halble on the bottle.
I had proceeded to within mile or
so of the enterprisin' burg of Hitch
Along when I encountered a concourse
of people gathered under tree. A
critter in their midst had a rope around
his neck and seemed to be preparin for
a journey.
my friends" says I as came to
halt, 'can I take it that a feller-critter
is about to be launched into eternity?' '
Il reckon you can, if the rope don't
break was the answer of the leader,
who looked like man who could eat
a whole bushel of potatoes and a smok-
ed nam without arOuS1I one spark OIL
sentiment in his breast.
And would it be considered buttin'
in was I to ask of what crime he is
charged?''
Il wouldn't chin-chin too much, old
man. but l may remark that he picked
up a naewl which didn't belong to him.
BY the way. are you a preacher?'
mot skassly, though I have bossed
the job at number OF funerals ana
married few couples which insisted on
my services and would take no other.
''Then git for DIS there and give the
cuss what consolashun you can. He
objects to goin' without it, but we shall
allow him only five min1ts. Crowd in
and whoop FER UP"
Feller-citizen," says L, when L had
come alongside the victim, Il have
been asked to smooth your last minits
on this ere earth. Have We allus been
a good MANI"
zone of the best, old cock" he replied.
ST have bought more bar'ls of flour for
widders, and more catskin caps for or
phans than any ten other men in Amer
ica.'
And has the lamp of integrity aIlus
guided your footsteps ?"
''She has. I've traded bosses a thou
sand times and al1us pfnted out the
"Then I should say. that you'd pass
the mewl, however,,
Yesterday was Thursday, wasn't
it %
well back in Ilanoy I allus used to
ring the bell for Thursday evenin'
prayer meetin'. Last night l was
huntfn' around for church and bell
my legs and carried me off.
s'Haye you explained that fact to
the enthusiastic populace?'
+I have, but they seem leary. It
don't matter however. L haint ralsln'
any objections to goin'.
voices in chorus, and I was crowded
back and dozen hands pulled on the
rope.
1t was soon over. The man who
evenin' prayer meetin's was left dang
lin between the heavens and the
earth, and after the free end of the
rope had been made fast the crowd
began to dissolve. The leader was the
last to go. and in his goin' he turned
to me and said:
'If you hain't got anything better to
do you might stay here and keep the
crows off'n him for awhile"
Thus it came about that I was left
alone with the victim, and that five
minits later I had cut him down and
my Alleviator to his lips. also
rubbed some of the same with great
briskness on his neck. There was
hope in my heart, and was not dis
appointed. In ten minits he opened
his eyes and smiled. In fifteen he sat
up and cussed. In twenty he was on
his feet and whistlin yankee
Doodle" and two minits later he
walks off, and says to me as he goes:
''Ta-ta, old man. That's great stuff
of yours
My feelin's was a bit hurt that he
returned me no thanks, but SIGH is
human natur'. I now wish to an
nounce that my Alleviator, if too long
a time has not elapsed, will, in addi-
ton to what I have named above:
Restore life to critter after he has
been hung.-(Copyright, 1905. by
Homer Sprague.)
Mrs Handout-Are none of Yonr rela-