Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1905-04-22
THE MISERABLE RICH

This Is about the time in the year." re-
marked the box-jawed man in the rear
seat of the trailer when the joyous space
grabbers who execute loop loop stunts
for the Moo Yawk scream sheets get their
half-Nelson clutch on their styluses and
proceed TO tell US how miserably unhappy
the vast majority of rich folks are.
'Their uuvarying conclusion is that the
possession of great riches is burden. and
that the chap who manages to cop out just
enough to settle for his board and to keep
his cob pipe aglow with hay stuffing. at
five cents the bag. is so much better off,
morally, mentally and physically, that
there's no use in talking about it. nohow.
son. don't you believe 'em. Don't you
let EN- hand you that Holstein con. They
just don't know. f"hey may think they're
next but they're not. They may Imagine
that they're able to survey the whole situa-
ton from a SantOs-Dumont tower-circler,
but as matter of fact. they're only fioun-
dering around in a cyclone cellar with all
of the shades pulled down.
For a considera bic catalogue of years
have been observing-at distance, OF
course, but observing all the same--the
moves and curves of a large number of
rich folks. here and elsewhere. and if they
haven't one and all been having one-er-
bird of a time, you boost my price to
800 to | and turn me the wrong way OF
Il have observed, too. that the percent
age of them who reuounce their coupon
shears and turn their vision In the direction
of monasteries and other clustered places
has been capable right along of being rep
resented on paper by nought with the rim
torn off.
I'VE read. for example. that one of them
whose wad is fast expanding to the billion
figure suffers occasionally from dyspepsia
so do l. son-suffer from it mighty bad
occasionally: and yet, when my wife begins
the film fam process preliminary to winning
a $14 hat out of me, I've got to figure on
whether I'll be able to cop out the dis
count on the gas bill by paying it within
the time limit.
IF / could sail the wine-dark seas in a
400 foot % knot white yacht, like this fell
low who occasionally gets mixed up with a
little mess of heartburn does, I'd be willing
to roll around The deck four hours per diem
with case of dyspepsia that would make
the dyspepsia of the late Thomas Carlyle
seem like a Sneeze.
Another one of them we read. whose
roll is so mammoth that he's given up the
job of trying to count it, has to repair every
year to Carlsbad to give his kidneys night
ing chance.
We'll, what's the matter with Carlsbad?
And look at the fun he's had during
eleven months in the year. getting those
kidneys in such shape that they need to be
conveyed to Carlsbad.
When my kidneys begin to sulk and back
up on me, l have to drop into drug store
and dig up 3S cents Tor a DOttle Oh some Ola
thing. and | haven't got the satisfaction of
knowing either, that for eeven-twelfths Of
the calendar year I've had heavy, pendulous
beads of Johannisberger and Chablls and
Chateau Yquem standing out undlluted upon
my pallid forehead.
I'VE are told that another of them. who
sends up a sad wall every year when the
directors of a few of his railroads summon
him to New York TO attend meeting or so
we are informed that he wasn't able to be
present TO the victory of his horse In
the Grand Prize of Paris, at Longchamps
owing to a slight injury he sustained in eX-
ercising his SO-mile- per-hour Mercedes in
the park of Fontainebleau or the Bois de
Boulogne or some such little rustic stretch.
'Uh-huh, but that doesn't sound so worse
to me- l don't see any of my skates Win
ming or even butting into the money.
when / want to see them run, I've got
to wait till the turnstile begins TO whiZz
at Benning and then they don't run Tor
me. They may run for Sweeney, but not
for me.
But if I should happen to be prevented
from seeing my horse cop the Washington
Cup at BenninS because OF having skinned
my nose while prancing my s2o.OOo buzz
wagon around the White Lot, you'd never
hear yelp ont of me. I'd take a little
skinning like that three times day each
week day and just holler for the pure mad
joy of the thing
Another of the doughty push whose ma
yuma is so colossal that he, too, has quit
trying to keep tab on it comes back to
the l NlItu StdleS iiiipSI ooppii4o t'iohN u
cause he's only been able to obtain the pelts
of thirty-seven lions in Africa. when he's
figured on at least ffty-nine, and he Is.
consequently. depicted as very wretched
young cush-burner. If l had one-one- hun
dredth of his rocks I'd even refrain from
popping at a guinea pig with a pea shooter
or throwing a rock at a predatory hen.
THE rich are unhappy, hey? Well. ii
may bet may well be: but look at the
slews and slathers of US who are dead
willing to be shown