The San Francisco call., 1905-03-19
THE SOLIL0QUY
OF EMPEROR OF
The RUSSIANS
Extracts from Mark Twain's article
in the North American Review)

Extracts from Mark Twain's article
in the North American Review)
4 FTER the Cars morning bath
"a it is his habit to mediate an hour
before dressing himself-Lon-
don Times Correspondence
Viewing himself in the pier
glass.l
Naked, what am L? A lank, skin
ny. spider-legged libel on the image Of
God Look at the waxwork head
the face, with the expression of a
melon-the projecting ears-the knot
ted elbows-the dished breast-the
ife-edged shins-and then the feet,
all beads and joints and bone-sprays.
an imitation X-ray photograph! There
is nothing imperial about this, moth
ing imposing, Impressive, nothing to
invoke awe and reverence. Is
it this that 100000 Russians kiss
the dust before and worship? Mani
festly not! No one could worship this
spectacle, which is Me. Then who is
1t, what is it, that they worship? Pri-
vately, none knows better than 1. 1t
is my clothes. Without by clothes 1
should be as destitute of authority as
any other naked person. Nobody could
tell me from a parson, barber, a
dude. Then who is the real Emperor
of Russia My clothes. There is no
other.
Titles-another artif1ciality-are a
part of his clothing. They and the dry
goods conceal the wearers inferiority
and make him seem great and Won
der, when at bottom there is nothing
remarkable about him. They can move
a nation to fall on its knees and sim
cerely worship an Emperor who with
out the clothes and the title would
drop to the rank of the cobbler and be
swallowed up and lost sight of in the
massed multitude of the inconsequen-
tials; an Emperor who. naked in a
naked world, would get no notice. ex-
cite no remark, and be heedlessly
shouldered and jostled like any other
fered a kopek to carry somebody's s
gripsack; yet an Emperor who. by the
sheer might of those artificialties-
clothes and a title-can get himself
worshiped as a deity by his people, and
at his pleasure and unrebuked can ex-
lie them, hunt them, harry them. de-
stroy them, just as he would with so
many rats If the accident of birth had
furnished him a calling better suited
to his capacities than empering.
(After silence.) A curious inven-
tion, an unaccountable invention-the
human racei The swarning Russian
millions have for centuries meekly al
lowed our Family to rob them, insult
them, trample them under foot, while
they lived and suffered and died with
no purpose and no function but to make
that Family comfortable! These peo-
pie are horses-just that-horses with
clothes and religion. A horse with
the strength of hundred men will let
one man beat him, starve him, drive
him; the Russian millions allow a mere
handful of soldiers to hold them in
slavery-and these very soldiers are
their own sons and brothersi
Laws are merely restraints-they
have no other function. In civilized
countries they restrain all persons.
and restrain them all alike, which is
fair and righteous; but In Russia such
laws as exist make an exception-our
Family. We do as we please; we
have done as we pleased for centuries.
Our common trade has been crime,
our common pastime, murder, our
common beverage blood-the blood of
the nation. Upon our heads lie mill
lions of murders. Yet the pious NOR
alist says it is crime to assassinate
us. We and our uncles are a family
of cobras set over 40,00O,00O rabbits,
whom we torture and murder and
feed upon all our days; yet the NOR
alist urges that to kill us is crime.
not duty.
There are $4,000 900 families in Russia
There is man-child at every mothers S
knee. If these were $4,000, 900 patriotic
mothers they would teach these man
children daily, saying: Remember
this, take it to heart, live by it, die for
it If necessary; that our patriotism is
mediaeval, outworn, obsolete: that the
modern patriotism, the true patriotism,
the only rational patriotism, is loyalty
to the nation all the time, loyalty to
the Government when 1t deserves it.
With 25,000,000 taught and trained
patriots in the land a generation from
now my successor would think twice
before he would butcher a thousand
helpless poor petitioners humbly beg
ging for his kindness and justice, as
did the other day.
(Retiective pause.) Well, perhaps I
have been affected by these depressing
newspaper clippings which 1 found un-
der my pillow. I will read and ponder
them again.
The ROSE-COLORED CLASS