Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1905-05-05
~ .%1s'EmksHfS
1GsasIAI1nE Eft1N

No man ought ever to write love-
letter without thinking constantly how
it will sound when it is read out loud
in court.-Somerville Journal.
Ethel-Are you sure he has never
loved before? Edith-Yes. He teld me
out any ring wanted.-Judse.
singleton-Do you dodge when your
wife throws things at you? Wederly-
Certainly not. Do you suppose I'd take
a chance of getting hit?
Bobby-How much footwear do you
wear out in month, Tommy? Tommy
Two pairs of shoes and a pair Of.
my mothers slippers. Chicago News.
Physician-Your ailment lies in the
larynx, thorax, and epiglott,S. Holl1-
gan-Indade! An me afther thinkin'
tn trouble was in me 'throat.-Ram's
Horn.
''See that man? Well, sir. he landed
in this country with bare feet and now
he's got millions" Gee whiz! he must
be regular centipede. ."-Philadelphia
Ledger.
"Well," remarked Hercules cheerful
". as he gazed up at Atlas, You seem
to be bearing up pretty well, even If
the whole world is. Down on you."-
Princeton Tiger.
Languids Leary-Dey tell me dat
Esquimaux eat soap an t'ink it's a
luxury. Perambulating Pete-Well,
dat's w'ot it is. 1t amt no necessity
Sis Hopkins Book.
Old Friends your part very diff
cult to play? Barnstormer-Well
rather. Pm living on one meal day,
and playing the role of a man with the
gout-Detroit Free Press.
| Dorothy-Isn't it horrid? I've just
discovered that my dolly is stuffed with
sawdustl Dick-Pooh! What of it?
Lots Of respectable people eat break
fast food.-Chicago News.
The Woman-George this is the an
niyersary of the day on which 1 prom
ised to be yours you forgotten
it.? The Brute-No, my dear, couldn't.
But I've forgiven it-Cleveland Lead
er.
Customer what kind of crazy
novel is this, anyway? 1t begins with
the last chapter and ends with the
first. Bookseller that edition Is
intended for ladies only.-Chicago
News.
Mifkins- Wasn't Benedict's death
'
kins-Well, it was sudden, but not nee
essarily unexpected His wife had just
graduated from a cooking school.-Ch1-
Icago News.
Mrs. Crawford-Thls lovely Easter
hat cost me only $65. Don't you think
I look pretty in it! Crawford-I'll bel
that 98-cent lamp-shade you bought the
other day would be just as becoming to
you.-Judge.
Merchant-Do you think you know
enough to assist me in the Office? Smart
Boy-Know enough! Why, the last
boss I had was compelled to let me
go because l knew more than he did
Chicago News.
Finnegan-Oh, yis, Oh can under
sthand how thin astronomers can cal
kilate tn distance av a stharr, Its
weight, dinsity and color and all thot
but tn thing thot gets me is, how tn
divvle do they know its name3Puck
Aunt Nancy-Don't say she dropped
the locket in her bosom; that isn't mod
est; say she dropped it in her neck
Lucy-I see; and instead of saying thai
, the man unbosom himself, I must say
he unnecked himself.-Boston Trans
script. "a
Mrs. Spenders-I wonder what will
be the popular styles in bonnets mex
summer? Mr.. Spenders- dear, wo
mems bonnets will be divided into two
styles, as usual-the style you dom
like and the style I can't afford
Royal Magazine.
"Don't be so lazy. There's plenty Of
room at the top, and you're clever
enough to get there" "But," replied
) the lazy genius, ''think how clever it i!
of me to find a place at the bottom
\ where there isn't so much room" =
Philadelphia Ledger.
81 Think said the prison visitor, 81
would be helpful to you if you woult
take some good motto and try to lfv'
, up to it, EYES," said the convict
snow, I'd like to select, for instance
We are here to-day and gone to-mor
row." Philadelphia Press.
.sYour daughters music is improv
Z ing" said the professor, ''but whel
: she runs the scales have to watch he
| pretty closely" "Just like her father,
said Mrs. Nuriteh. "He made hi
, money in the grocery business" =
: Philadelphia Public Ledger.
Cottager-Do you ever Farm folks te
! paint picters like that there, sir? Artis
5 oh yes; sometimes. Why do you ask
Cottager-Well, sir, this ere boy q
. mine amt fit for nuthin'. n be tina
. there delicate e can't do no ard work
an not bein' quite right in is 'ead;
thought as 'ow this ere 'ud be a nice