River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1905-01-12
B. FRANKLIN'S MAxlMS.
Hammer for Them SpitefulIy
Welded by Grumpy Individ-
ual with KNOCK"


81 sometimes WISH" remarked the
! grumpy-looking man with the accor-
/ dion-pleated and moulting cheroot, re
lates the Washington Star that the
late B. Franklin, of Philadelphia, had
stuck 70 his job printing and kite-fying
stunts throughout his long and useful
life. | can't think of any parcel of lit
erary junk that has contributed more
misery and keen suffering to the world
than those Poverty Dick maxims of his.
Take that early-to-b ed-and-earl
rise rip-saw, for example. Far be it
from me to fail, but I am bound to be-
lieve that when the late B. Franklin al
lowed that one to slip into his life and
letters he was frivOling with marked
| down, misfit hop-toi and inhaling a con-
traband brand of the poppy smoke. Fell
lers early to bed and early TO rise is
what makes The Man With the Hoe.
The Man With the Hoe is all right. as
vaguely portrayed on one of those misty
pictures for which packers of American
! pigs feet are willing to cough up $3.50
! 900 now that the painters of 'em are
! dead, but, when it comes to the matter
! Of taking comfort, The Man With the Hoe
| doesn't or didn't know that he is or was
alive.
THE average man who isn't early to
bed and early to rise wouldn know any
more about manipulating a hoe than he
| would about shOeing a zebra, but the
| fun that he contrives to snag out of the
game of life is just something scandal
| lOus
Il have cut into the trails of quite q
large assortment of healthy, wealthy aud
| wise persons in the progress of my sim
! streWn career, and at least nine out of ten
! of them were shameless male persons
who never dreamed of turning down the
coverlets of their little white cots until
about two a. M, and who never, under
any circumstances, DOTTED their nighties
for their breakfast raiment until the
! position of bright Phoebus in the cir
cumambient sky indicated the civilized
hour of 10-or la. m.
ION the other hand the great bulk Of
the early-to- bed-and- early o-rise bunch
with whom I've been thrown into con-
| tact have been persons with deep care
worn pouches under their eyes, planted
there by their lifelong necessity Of
scrambling out Of bed of mornings
around the hour when jocund day saints
tiptoe on the misty mountain top, for
the purpose of coping out their two
dollars or three dollars per diem for the
monthly rent and shoes, and things for
the wife and towheads
"No man of this era and epoch is fit to
mingle with his kind, anyhow, until after
the glorious orb of day has been dancing
in the blue for quite an appreciable nuns
Der of hours. The mists and fogs of the
normal mans innate and Unborn crabs
bedness are not dissipated until the dew
hasall been drunkup by the radiant char4
ioteer of the heavens. Nine male per-
sons out Of ten wake up with crouch
that is only to be dissolved by those
whose circumstances permit them to
gaze dopily at the chiffonier for while,
and then get up and pull the curtains
down a bit farther, and then fall into
their hunks for just about 120 more
moments of slumber
"The ghoulish glee which springs in
the male bosom after the performance of
the simple act of crawling out of bed and
gazing abstractedly for couple of min
utes at the throng of other fellows on
their way to work is something that can't
be expressed in any known dialect or
patois, living or dead.
'The early-to-bed proselyte, who has
been compelled to turn in before the re-
f1ectfng pullets and capons have picked
off soft spot for their perches, gIoomily
thinks, as he pulls the coverings up over
himself before he is halfway sleepy, of
the fun to late-tO-bed gang must be hav-
ing around the haunts where there is al
ways something happening, and he forth
with becomes Jealous and peevish.
Cali of which, fellers, is apropos of the
fact that I myself had to arise at some
thing like six of the dial this morning to
go down to the depot to meet Zebulon
cousin of my wffe's, who stopped off in
Washington to see the capitol and the
Nay-shun-ya1 mu-see-um, bhokey; and
if I've been fit to be seen or heard as any
individual moment since got up at that
gloomy hour then it's up to somebody to
help me out with my alibi, that's all.
'The late B. Franklin was whole lot
of big chief in his day and date when
the question as to who had the bulgiest
Uranium had the floor, but when he enun-
ciated his early-to-bed-and-e arly-to-r
dictum there's not doubt in life that he
had his fingers crossed or his galluses
twisted in true lovers knots. He was
too wise to have honest Injun meant it,"