The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1905-03-05
By JOHN KENDRIcK BANGS.

the White House attic, maybe; hidden
behind the Dinosaur in the Smithsonian
institution. perhaps: filed away in
dusty pigeon hole with the constitution.
possibly-but not worn by the presi-
dent, you gossip. A simple unadorned
Willie-boy frock coat. sir, was what the
president did wear. without even gold
button, or bit of silver embroidery
down the front-no. nor a lot of plush
trouSered pages to carry the tails of IL,
either, as the president mounted the
rostFum to make his inaugural address
BY fudge, Redfacei When ! think of
the lies you anti-inperialists have been
telling lately about what this inaugura-
tion was to be, / almost wish we had
an emperor for little while TO chuck
you chaps into Jail for lese majestic.
Redface's nose was buried in tall
he made no retOrt- Noting his dlSab l!-
ity. the Knocker continued.
Who was il said that a part of the
ceremony" he resumed, was to be
the formal burning of the constitution
before the assembled multitude in front
of the capitol? Nothing of the kind
happened to the surprise and disap-
pointment of tens Of thousands of peo-
pie. Who was il said the president
would be sworn in on copy of The
Simple Life instead of on the good
book? The event has proven him a
malicious slanderer. And what of the
parade? Do you know what / expected
to see in that parade after listening to
you anti-imperialists for a month of
Sundays. Redface2"
"Yes-you expected to see the presi-
dent dressed up like Loheugrin speed
ing down Pennsylvania avenue-to the
capitol on a milk-white charger. fol-
lowed by a comic opera chorus singing
Daean Of victory, grOWled Redface-
NO / didn't" said the KnOcker y
expected to see a triumphal entry into
the city. In the front was to be the
whole army in full regalia. Following
this looked for a platoon of presidents
of all the South American republics in
chains, driven by John Hay. After
them l looked for twenty leading Fill
pinos barred TO the waist and being
whipped through the streets by Secre-
tary Taft Next L expected to see old
CortelyOu coming along leading Nor
gan, Rockefeller, Carnegie and Armour
of the beef trust by chains fastened to
rings in their noses. Fourth in line,
led by Pennypacker of Pennsylvania,
expected to observe all the Democrat
ic editors in the land wearing muZzles
and their hands tied behind their backs.
Following them, handcuffed together
and walking barefoot through the
snow, 1 judged we should find the SEN
ators of the United States, the Shout
derS OF each branded with the initials
T. r., and each one gagged with a
printed copy of his own speech on the
treaty-making rights of the senate-aIl
except Ben Tillman, who was to be
compelled to ride to the function in a
one-horse buggy alongside of Booker
Washington. Then / looked for the
house of representatives walking back
ward and strewing flowers in the path
of the president. himself clad in the gar
ments of a Caesar and riding four
horses at once. That's practically the
thing you chaps have been fOrteIlinS
ever since Edward Atkinson and Irving
Wlnslow and the New York Evening
Post formed themselves into d commit
tee of safety at the beginning of the
Spanish-American war. Why. the way
you talked it wouldn't have surprised
me if the president had had the navy
mounted on wheels and used as the tail
end Of the inaugural parade-and now
what is the real truth? None of these
things happened at all. The thing went
off simply. solemnly and with all the
honest dignity betting the ceremony of
Inducing president into office. Not
a. clanking chain, nor a vail Of despair