davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

round wit him till dey woiks him near
de back door, and den he gets de
bounce-after his kit of burglar tools
has been took away from him. All
he has got out of it is notice his
press agent paid for in his home paper.
telling dat he was de belle of de ball
at de Van-Amsterbuilt cotilIon-where,
for fact. he stood all de evening
behind de palms, under de stairs, and
nobody talked to him but de boss
fiddler, who asked him if he couldn't
sneak a cold bottle for de orchestra,
linking he was a headquarters detec-
tive looking out for de ,silverware.
All because he could make million
dollars where most men couldn't make
wages-but he didn't know dat two
and two make four"
II begins to see," says Whiskers:
Il begins to see, Paul, dat you are
dealing in figures of speech. Your
foist two is cause. your second two is
action, and your four is effect; de op-
Grafton of cause producing effects.
All de same, / am of de opinion dat.
dis present bulge in de market has
come to stay, dat it is permanent
Mr. Paul gives me de ghost of
wink over his shoulder and he says,
Probably so, sir. De balloon being
filed wit hot air went up, and dis
time will probably stay up; dough
usually, when the air gets cold de
traction of gravitation brings de ball
loon down to cart again wit dull tuj.
Did Chames get dat bottle you asked
for, sir?''
Of course most of dose woids de
gents used don't mean noting. but
what / cops out of de American woids
dey used is dis: You is seldom asked
to sit into a game of poker because
de gents who ask you thinks you
haven't got all de money you is en-
titled to and dey wants to make up
to you what you are short Dat goes
for Wall street
AS for society, at de last dance OF
de Roseleaf Social and Lifesaving
Club We had just enough boys and
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05
-

been doing ever since we can remember
and Patient Waiter was advanced
gradually to a post that carried with 1T
a good deal more work, a trifie more re-
sponsibility, and a very slightly larger
salary. Several times it happened that
he could see very good opening just
ahead that seemed to have been Gre
ated for his special benefit, but each
time just as he had himself all ready
to step into it, some one murmured
Pardon me-" and pushed past him in
to the vacancy. The fact that 1t was
usually an outsider whose sole claim
to preferment was in the fact that ne
happened to belong to the same family
as the president or the cashier or some
other gentleman who smoked expensive
cigars and wore large diamonds at the
banks expense only added to the bit
terness of Patient Walters feelings.
IT would be futile to proceed further
with this narrowing tale OF daily lie.
Patient Waiter has at last progressed
to the proud position of second assist
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

up. dat's two; dey'n go down, dats
anodder two Can he add dose two
twos togedder? Not in million
years. Him, and some tousand odders
like him, are chipping into de kitty
for de support of de tree or four men
in all de country dat know de two
and-two-is-four of Wall street.
Whiskers has been stung in Wall
street lately like bull pup trying to
steal honey from a hive, SO he don't
see noting. funny in de game as MIR.
Paul dopes it out, and Mr.. Paul goes
around anodder block to show de way.
LET us take de case of a man who
is trying to break into society. De
fact dat society has TONED de key
against him-for if 1t hadn't he
wouldn't have to break in-would be
enough of tin dat he wasn't wanted
if he had de happiness to know dat
two and two make four. De door is
locked is two: he isn't wanted is an
odder two. Can he add dose two
twos? If he could add EN- he'd see
dat de four dey make is dat folks
don't make it pleasant for man who
has broke il !, deir game against a
locked door. But he passes up all
such logic. He bores his little holes.
cracks of de door. sets of de fuse, de
door blows down wit a loud explosion
and in he rushes."
Oats true says Miss Fannie. wit
little laugh. I've seen lots get
in like dat"
Sure, Nike says Mr.. Paul.
"Chames, did you pull de plug from
dat pint? Tanks. Well, when he gets
in he thinks it will be all to de good
after dat. A yeggman might as we'll
expect de glad hand from de country
postmaster who is waiting for him wit
a pitchfork after he gets into de post
ONCE by de manner I has described.
What does society do to him? Not
a ting! pey pulls his leg, dey has
fun wit his wife and children, dey
sells him a few gold bricks, dey makes
. monkey Of him, and has a merry-go
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

"Chames," says Whiskers, where's
de fresh bottle? What was you say
ing, Paul?"
Logic, SIR" goes on Mr.. Paul, lis
de science by which we makes rules
once knew a student dat was so swift
on his logic dat he used to be sure
dat he knew ting dat was de surest
ting he knew. AS folleys. sir: If he
stubbed his toe he would not make
a holler until he had said, To stub
de toe is painful; de more highly err
ganized animals cry when In pain:
having stubbed me toe l am in pain.
and being In pain, I hollers, Wow!
Sir, dat man is now one of de orna-
ments of de book review profession,
and spends days of delight in proving
by his favorite process dat de popu-
larity of a book proves 1t is de woist
ever, and de books dat are on de
blink as sellers is de best dat ever
happened. Dat very same man." says
Mr.. Paul, after making a hole in de
top of his glass, dat very same man
once asked me for fifty plunks. What
for?' I says to him.
DE price of new suit OF close,
says he.
q Excuse me minute says. No
man deserves what he does not earn,
and no one should ask for what he does
not deserve. If you cannot earn your
close you do not deserve 'em. Dere-
fore you should not touch me for nifty
plunks to get suit of close. I'll see
you later I says. Well. sir, you'll
hardly believe it. but dat man ham,
mered de life out of de wonderful book
wrote shortly after dat, How to Use
de Niblic in a Grass Hazard He
couldn't have roasted 1t better il he
knew de difference between 3 niblic
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

bank His functions were sweeping the
floor and enptying the spittoons and
going after the mall and buying cigars
for the first vice president and other-a
wise assisting in important financial
transactions. He reasoned that where
there was SO much money corded up
and lying around loose there ought to
be a little sticking to the fingers OF
faithful employees now and then.
He hadn't been there year before
he discovered there were few cases OF
such attachment, but the paying tel
Ter. whose fingers had glue on them,
took an enforced vacation for term
of years and Patient Waiter learned
that the leopard is not the only beast
whose stripes are difficult to change.
Aside from this isolated instance, the
embryo financier failed to find any ex-
amples of unusual financial betterment
arising from connection with the bank.
1t was hard problem, but he fgured
ii out finally that the people who have
the most money are generally the
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

and a pork pie. Logic is great ting,
sir; but it should not be boddered Wit
after you know dat two and two make
four
Surely" says Miss Fannie, who was
sitting wit de gents, surely, Paul, ev-
cry man and woman knows dat two
and two make four.
Excuse me, me dear says Mr. Paui.
Most people see dat two and two make
four. but mighty few of 'enn know 1t.
Supposing dat 1 see snake or whiri-
wind. Would I go chasing all over de
town saying dat knew snake ana
whirlwind? DE police wouldn't let
me. It is seldom dat man knows dat
two and two make four. How often
Women Know it / don't pretend to say
hut from me observations in brief
but well-spent life / dope it out dat
women try to figure two and two into
Ave or tree as often as do men,.
'.Dis is nonsense" says Whiskers.
.Chames, didn't / speak to you about
anodder bottle?
On de level he had, but dat was
Anodder nodder. But I chases in wit
a fresh one from de ice box in de but
ler's pantry and listened as Mr.. Paul
gets into de ring again and spars for
wind.
Pardon me, SIR says he to Whis-
kcrs. Let us take a familiar exams
ple," he says, using de due langwudge
what comes to him wit de second bot
tie. DE example Of de man who
knows dat stocks is low and buys into
de market Does he sell out when de
price Of stocks goes up? Not him.
He buys more OF em--and gets stung.
Sir, dat man all his life sees dat
stocks dat go up 90 down. Does he
know It? No, indeedy. Dat IS to say
he doesn't know dat two and two are
four. He sees dat stocks go up ana
down, but he doesn't even know dat
dey must 80 down to so UP. Dey 80
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

dust that burned the eyes and blis-
tered the throat. The dry earth was
hauled in scrapers from the level
stretches and dumped at the head OF
the fill. Then man, mule and scraper
tumbled in a free-for-all down the
eloping bank, kicking up clouds or
choking white dust that f1oated away
on the breeze like blizzard snow. 1t
took longer to build the embankment
because of the wind and the vast
quantities of dust swallowed by the
busy toilers. For this job l pulled
down 81 so a day and board. They
burned me out in two weeks, and
would have stayed and died, no doubt,
but for an unconscious tip furnished
by a tramp with st. Vitus' dance.
He came along one Sunday, twtich-
ing and jerking like a marionette and
whistling a merry tune. Nothing wor-
ries the genuine tramp. so long as he
isn't working. That fellow was
phenon. He bore pack of blankets,
grub and two gallon water cans
slung over his shoulders. In his right
hand he carried a long handled fry
ing pan. which, in the throes of his
affliction. he swung and waved and
ratified like a Salvation Army lass with
her tambourine leading the bass
drummers on to glory. Dropping his
pack and pan at the water barrel, the
tramp stopped whistling and said:
.eHowdy, fellers; hot here, amt it?"
Then he helped himself to Snake Riv-
er water from Mr.. Simpkins' barrel.
l am not making jest of human af-
Fiction, and I trust this true statement
will find credence: In order to slake
his thirst the jiggly tramp seized the
dipper in both hands, filled It and rest
ed the bottom on the rim or the par
rel. In his weird contortlons ne
spilled more than half the liquid ana
danced one and half times around
the barrel, still holding the dipper In
position and sliding it along as ne
danced. Having swallowed all that
didn't get away from him, Mr. ST.
Vitus Strengthened up with satisfied
"ah'' and looked the camp over. he
seemed to like the idea OF compan-
ionship, if only for little while So
gathering a bundle of sagebrush twigs,
he built fire and sliced some bacon,
which he fried in the long-handled
pan: made a pot of coffee and dined
within fen feet of where a bunch of us
were sitting.
That is what I call independence
without any special declaration OF the
same. / have seen less violent cases
of this malady hopelessly immured in
hospitals, and here was victim whose
very hair twifhed with muscles run
amuck. A thousand miles from no
where. and at least another thousand
70 the next place, that writhlng
wanderer showed his contempt for the
heavy hand of fate. the usages of
hospitality and the world in general.
He tarried with us merely to save the
precious water in his cans. After dim
ing and carefully wiping the frying
pan with a piece of gunny sack, Mr..
ST. vftus packed up and two-stepped,
polkaed and waltzed himself away in-
to the wilderness. Long after the sage
brush and dust hid his twitching form
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05
~6ah, @,On and OFF the Breed Wagon
Being Hard Doins Amateur Hob
.k> Iah6ME9A By Cherries Dryden

small coffee pot-a a tin pie nIata T.
which to cook A few pounds OF sslS
rising flour. some ground coffee ana =
slab Of bacon. or, rather. the oheso
bosom of the female swine. Thsss
fancy groceries, added to my blankets
made about all could tote.
An ancient overland trail throuSb
Idaho and Oregon crossed our canp ar
right angles. The St. Vitus dance man
set out on that trail, and If he could
hold the middle of the road, I. young
and robust boy should, at least. keen
the trail in sight. 1t was me to the
Pacific Coast or bust Bidding good
by to the MormOns and Gentle no.
boes, turned my freckled nose toward
the setting sun. Those rough but
honest friends said / would fall by the
wayside-die of thirst and starvation
Little did they wot that some day I
would own a Bread Wagon and feed
myself in luxurious Incidence.
In the next chapter 1 make the Pa
cific Slope, paced by the ST. Vitus dance
man.
Copyright, 1905, by Charles Dryden.)
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

machinery. Is it a problem in higher
matmatics, an estimate of de place in
literature held by Kate Duglass of
de Wiggen patch, or a teesis on de.
inner structure of de constitution, dat
is wanted, all de student has TO do is
to touch button and de 'lectric ma
chine does de rest. Dose will be
helpful and valuable days in college
life. Students no longer kept by
study from de delights of de field,
records in hammer truning, and hun
dred-yard dashes will fall like de stock
market, to de everlasting honor of
almer mater and de professional
coach. De lad from de foundry can
den go trough his courses in machine
Greek and self-oiled philos'p ply witout
injuring his constitution, and perform
deeds OF valor at shortstop and cen
ter rush while earning his right to
be called baccalarius artium."
When Mr.. Paul got off dat last
langwidge 1 side-stepped into de but
ler's pantry. where dere was de- half
of cold bottle. and refreshed meself
for de next round.
When I goes back in de library and
touches up de log fire so dat 1 could
get anodder line on de latest STYLES
in education. Mr.. Paul was saying
But, sir, your college professor who
has invented machine for to do logic
will never get a patent on his inven-
ton. De foxy mug what invented de
adding machine was dere before him.
Dat was de lad reduced logic to cog
wheels. Two and two make four is
de beginning and end of logic, and
after a man has loined dat he need
never bodder his head wit de writings
of de long-haired tribes who try to
logic it out dat we is not, derefore we
isn't. What, sir, is logic?'
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

such children as dropped themselves
overheard along the way. Progress
was slow because of heavy going over
a roadless route and the frequent stops
made to tally UP the kindergarten. Six
days were required to cover the fifty
miles, much time being lost in the con-
struction of bridges across dry gullies
and hustling to find water for the ami
mails.
Something like one hundred men and
boys represented the bone and sinew of
the expedition. We worked our passage
to the scene of actual toll in return for
board and lodging en- route. There was
little to do except tighten the pathway
of the mules by pushing the heavy
wagons from behind and hauling on the
wheels in sandy ruts
The vehicles were laden to the guards
with plows. scrapers and provisions.
mostly salt pork and beans in bulk. At
the eampfires, night and morning, we
cooked viands enough to last until the
next halt. Each man carried his own
blankets, in which he slept on the
ground beside the wagons and listened
to the coyote cooling to its mate in the
Silly watches of the night. Quite
poetical.
Polygarny, as practiced in that grad
ing camp outfit was a rare and pleas
ing spectacle when Mr.. Simpkins plant
ed his family in the desert at our jour-
ney's end. He carried ready made
community with which to populate any
region he chose to infest. His eight
wives all dressed alike in limp blue SUM-
bonnets and limper red calico gowns,
which obliterated whatever beauty and
shape those unfortunate females may
have possessed. One sallow, biscuit-fed
Mrs. Simpkins weighed ninety pounds;
another ranged close to 800 and was
built on the lines of a mud scow. Side
by side, these two suggested herring
and haiibut.
There was method in Mr. Simpkins'
multitudinous joy-sharers. They fried
salt pork for the hoboes and saved the
expense of employing Chinese for that
purpose A pack of shaggy dogs herded
the children in their waking hours.
From out of the chaos of that wind
swept, sun-blistered caravan of tired
babies and hardened men grew viii
lage containing many of the latest inn
provements, including water works.
On a level stretch midway of the Sec
ton we intended to grade Mr.. Simp-
kins waved his wand, and the city burst
from its she'll All hands lived in tents.
Little canvas structures of the army
pattern were set UP for the men, with
the Simpkins layout as sort OF gov
ernment seething in the middle. One
tent as large as that used by the fly
hyuight country circus housed the
eight wives and forty-six children.
A long, narrow tent attached to one
side of the Simpkins abode served as a
dining hall, in which the wives elected
to that service did the honors three
times per day. Pork and beans, Hap
Jacks and -four gravy known as
Mormon white stirred our jaded ap-
petites some. Occasionally the ladies
passed out a little hereafter alias
dessert, in the shape of dried fruit
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

waiting for the janitor to unlock the
door ard let him at his work.
If the other young men who occupied
subordinate positions in that financial
institution possessed a burninp desire TO
do twice as much work as they were
paid for, they concealed 1t admirably
They appeared on the scene on the
minute, or a trif1e after if they thought
the boss would be down late, and they
departed with equal promptness. They
stretched the lunch hour till 1t cracked
and snatched a brief respite for a sur
reptitious cigarette now and again.
Neither did they show any willingness
to stand and wait for opportunity to
come around and tap them on the
shoulder. Most of their spare time ap-
peared 20 be spent in looking for
better job, and every now and then one
of them would find it. Then he would
depart without noticeable regret or any
apologies to opportunity for not wait
ing for her.
The years rolled by as they have
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

hardest to separate from it. A fool and
his money are soon divorced, but
man is likely to be a fool about almost
anything before money. People who
are fools about that seldom have any
to be separated from.
Disappointed in his earlier hopes,
Patient Waiter settled down to the
grim conclusion that the waiting game
was the one for him. He was reliably
informed that there was room at the
top, and although there seemed to be a
good many going in that general direc-
ton, he was firmly convinced that II
he only kept along with the crowd he
would reach the summit in the course
of time. There were only seventy-hve
men between him and the cashier as
1t was, and he calculated from actuary
tables that his chance of surviving was
at least large enough to be discerned
with the naked eye on clear day.
Therefore he applied himself to his
broom and his spittoons. He used to be
sitting on the steps every morning
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

goils to make up four sets; hkewF7,
just enough beer for de party as lc
was. A husky lad from Cherry Hill.
who was fond of dancing-and beer
chases into de hall and says he was
dere for to enjoy de evening wit US
Well, Well
De foist ting he asked. when de
ambIance doctor had mended him up,
was wedder it was an explosion at de
gashouse or had he been trun or de
Brooklyn bridge
Logic is a great ting, on de Bowery
or on Murray Hill. suret
(Copvright, 1904, by Edward W. Town
send.)
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

1t is a great age" says Mr.. Paul.
Soon all de distractions of college
life Will be done away wit; de time
Of students viii no longer be wasted
in finding out, by large chunks of
brain, tings dat will do 'em no good
when dey finds 'em; for all of dat kind
Of foolishness will be attended to by
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

they also serve VINO only
stand and wait. 1t was probably meant
TO console the poor fellows who can't
get anything else to do. but it has
about as much place in a philosophy OF
life in these strenuous days as dande-
lion in an orchid show. Waiting is
very useful function-to the man being
waited on-but it doesn't do any par
ticIlar good to the people who are do
ing the waiting. On the contrary. it is
made to do duty as cloak for what IN
older and more plain spoken days We
were wont to term pure and unadul-
terated laziness. If a man is too con-
stitutionally tired to get up before 3
o'clock in the morning or too delicate
~to stand the rough air or the marker
rIace he hides behind this cowardly
maxim. Meanwhile his wife gives mu-
sic lessons or makes doughnuts for the
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

7 SEE" says Whiskers de odder
evening to Mr.. Paul, dat a
college professor out in Cali
fornia has invented a machine
TO do loedc "
The San Francisco call., 1905-02-05

\ n ." Z nave an especial grudge
Y n against the near-sighted in
" V dividual who remarked that
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1905-05-13
BOARD Or PUBLIC WORKS
Tru,k Sewer wil Ds Constructed
 Across PsivAts rropssiy.

The board of public works held special meeting yesterday afternoon Mayor Elton presiding and Commis- sioners Jackson, Holmes and Brown De- ing present. It was voted to recom- mend to the aldermen that trunk sewer or main carrier be constructed from Washington avenue acr0s private property to Railroad Hill street at It's intersection with the Merflien and Wa terbury Railroad and thence sOutherly along Railroad Hill street and pro posed extension of the same to South Leonard street; also such further sew CTS, beds, tanks and building as may be found necessary for sewage dls- posal plant, as shown on maps and pro files prepared by the engineer. The en- gineer was instructed to prepare plans for an ornamental grass patch on west Main street between Central avenue and South Willow street. Superintend- ent Hotchkiss was instructed to repair the crosswalk at North Willow and Pine streets. J. H. Whittemore was granted permission to erect tempor- ary structure on Cottage place extend ing eight feet beyond the curb line. This is for smithy and general repair shop while the proposed new block IS in course of erection The engineer was instructed to proceed with the widening of West Main street at the Mitchell corner.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1905-05-13
NEW TELEPHONE RATES
 FOR WATERBURY

President Tyler made the fol- lowing statement concerning the fu- ture telephone rates in Connecticut De- fore the legislature Thursday:
 We have already determined and had determined before the 1st of Janu- ary to introduce a decided reduction in rates in Waterbury. We have been at work on this schedule for some time, and results were reached only on the 18th of April last. The new schedule will % into effect on the 1st of July, upon old as we'll as new contracts, and will be as follows:
 Service that now costs S1O0 will be furnished at SIP; what now costs SIP will be furnished at s55; what now costs S4S will be furnished at $40, and what now costs $36 will be furnished at $50.
 Several new measured service rates will be introduced, and for measured party service we will give 300 mes sages in residences only for S21.