Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1905-11-15
QUO VADIS

I saw Quo Vadis played the other
night and it was great. I like plays
that are full of sentiment and tin
helmets and calcium lights. The plot
of Quo Vadis is laid in Rome during
the reign of Nero and the opening
scene is in the house Of Petronius
Petronius is dead game sport with
nothing but an embroidered night
shirt and the Roman empire around
him. In fact people wore their
nightshirts all the time in Rome.
Petronius didn't care much for any
thing but philosophy and booze.
he ran out of philosophy he lived
for days and days on booze. Some
times he was completely dazed.
He had a lot of beautiful con-
cubines that he bought at a bargain
sale in an Athenian department
store. One was lady by name of
Eunice Mahaffy. Every Roman
winebibber who happened to come
along wanted her. So did half the
fellows in the audience. She was
hot snake. Her arms were as
smooth as slippery elm sapling
with the bark off and as soft as a
new brick cheese. She had other
fine points too numerous to men
ton.
~
Petronius was making love to
Eunice IN the sitting room while his
wife was cooking some Carthaginian
cabbage for dinner when Tigelinus
came in. Tigelinus was an officer of
the Pretor1an guard and carried a
corn knife and boiler lid for a
sword and shield. He had on a
shirt made of wire poultry netting
with a tail of leather straps like a
coarse grained flynet a metal
hanging basket for hat. He loved
Eunice at first sight. You could
tell it by the way he run out his
tongue. He offered to trade Pet
ron1us five Greek maidens for her,
but PetrOnius refused and he
dragged his feet across the stage IN
a tragic manner and departed III
high dudgeon. 1t was just at this
point that Marcus Vinicus, the hero
of the play, came in. Marcus was
young Roman general who had
been over in the next congressional
district reducing the opposition
with a battle ak and was
home for the holidays. He was a
nephew of Petronius and had come
in to tell him about Lygia. Lygia
was a girl he met while making
new years calls at the home of
Aulus Plautius and he was apparent
ly all kicked in. He raved so that
Petronius offered to give him
Eunice if he would shut up and not
gnaw the varnish off the furniture,
but he said he would have Lygia or
bite hole in the firmament.
~
To break the moLotony between
acts I asked d lady next to me what
the orchestra was playing and she
said she thought it was music.
Since thinking the matter over I
have concluded that I was snubbed.
don't know why she should be SO
austere unless it was because |
had eaten some hash with a faint
suspicion of onions in it. When I
recovered my composure I noted
that the curtain was up on a scene
in the house of Aulus Plautius with
the old lady and Lygia knitting ear
muffs for the generals winter
campaign in Northumbria which
was a very cold country near the
north pole. Marcus came in and
Mrs. Plautius went out to tell the
hired girl to put some more potatoes
in the soup which she was boiling
in the generals castoff war helmet.
This showed her good sense. When
ever there are two single persons Of
sex in a room all married
folks should go out doors and adj
mire the scenery and give Cupid a
chance. Marc declared his love so
that every woman in the
audience had Irritation of the heart,
and Lygia was about to mash him
on the dome of thought with an
aeolian harp when Aulus strolled in
and Marc skedaddled vowing to
have Lygia or eat the statuary in
the park.
*x*
Just after his departure Roman
soldier announced that Nero wanted
Lygia at the courthouse. The Plau-