Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1905-04-21

.ied million with q girl,
Bill-Did you have your head shin.
gled when you were q lad2 Jill-No. |
not my head.-Yonkers Statesman.
II have just spent two weeks at a
summer resort" Sorry, old chap, but
can't lend you any money to-day"
Waiter-Roast beef or cured ham,
sir? Bring me some beef. The last
cured ham 1 ordered here was only
He-I suppose Miss de Millions mar
ried that poor young artist because
she loved him. She-No; because her
dearest friend loved him.
Amateur Sportsman say, did 1 hit
that time Gamekeeper-I
think not, sir. There warn't nothing
in sight but the birds, sir.-Judge.
The Lawyer-H'm! What makes
you think you wish to study to become
a lawyer? The Applicant-Well. me
folks object to me bein' a burglar
Judge.
Man Overboard-Help, help! Stran-
ger-Phuy don't yez swim? II don't
know how" "Begorry, ye've got an
iligant chance to learn."-New York
Weekly.
Her suggestion: He-You know,
darling, we cannot live on cheese and
kisses. She-Then why not leave the
nasty old cheese ?-Lippincott's
Magazine.
Firemen rush into a house in re-
sponse to an alarm of fre-are met
by small boy. Ralph-Say, if the
house burns down, don't save my fan
nels-'cause they scratch me.-Life.
Lena-Fred didn't blow his brains
out because you Tilted him the other
night; he came and prposed to me.
Maud-Did he? Then he must have
got rid of them in some other way!
Mr.. Skinfiint- The paper says skirts
are to beworn longer than ever! Mrs.
Skinfint-Well, you needn't be fig
germ on me wearin' mine any longer.
I've worn it five years this fall al
ready.
Some one asked Lincoln how long
a mans legs should be. He replied he
had not given the subject any thought,
but should say they should be long
enough to reach from his body to the
ground.
You kin help de cause of honesty
a heap" said Uncle Eben, "by preach
in about it, but you kin help it heap
mo- by not danglin' roas' chicken un-
der hungry mans nose."- washing
ton Star.
Billings wife is most accomplish
ed woman" remarked the man who
Esneers. ''Indeedy' "Yes; she under
stands five languages and knows how
to keep quiet in all of them."-Wash-
ington Star.
| 'Is your friend good shot?'' "Yes,'
answered the sportsman after some
hesitation. "He never hits any game.
but then he never hits any Of the peo-
pie in his hunting party. either
Washington Star.
| Medium can tell you about a
Il Cs
Ny husband is always footing that in
my ears. Medium-Does he know
anything about a buried treasure!
Patron-Yes; his first wife.-Tit-Bits
you say he has visionary and inl-
practical nature? YES" answered the
girl who is employed in the postoffice
''he is one of those people who write
Rush on an envelope instead of put
ting on a special delivery stamp
Washington Star.
"The trouble" said the dentist, as
he probed away at the aching molal
with along, slender intrument, sis evi
dently due to dying nerve" "Well,
groaned the victim, ''it's up to you tt
treat the dying with little more re
spect. Chicago News.
Young Man-Say, you-er-remem
Der the engagement ring I bought o1
you yesterday? Jeweler-Yes. What
wrong with it? Young Man-Nothing
but there's something wrong with The
girl. Would you mind taking it bacl
and giving me collar buttons for it?
Mrs. Mulgrew-Are We goin' to sini
yer boy Tommy back to school this
week? Mrs. O'Dooley-No, indade
Me ambition is to make an aldhermal
of him phwin he grows up, an If h
got too much eddication he'd b.
shpoiled for the position intoirely.-
Tit Bits.
What are you doing here?" sait
the woman to the tramp, who had go
over the wall just in time to escap
the bulldog. Madam" he said, witt
dignity, 81 did intend to request some
thing to eat, but all I ask now is that
lin the interests of humanity, you'll
feed that dog"
A demonstration: Jim-Dora'
father Is an awful fresh-air crank
Dick-How do you know? Jim-H
turned me right out Of the house int
the cold air the other evening, ant
told me that it would be good dea
better for my health to stay there!-
Detroit Free Press.