davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
A Poultry Mill.

Mary's father was trying the exper- iment of raising chickens with an in- cubator in his barn. The neighbors were much interested in this eXperi- ment, and, meeting Mary, one of them asked:
 Mary, have you any little chickens at your house yeti"
 No, but we're maxim some," re- piled the little maiden-Lippincott'
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Shutting Him Of.

"Now, if were only an ostrich," be- gan the mean man at the breakfast table, as he picked up one of his wife's bis- cults, ''then--''
 "Oh, if you only were," interrupted the patient better half of the combine, "then l might get q few feathers for that old hat I've worn for three or four seasons"
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Greatly to Their Credit.

The mosquito has never been cred ited with possessing a critical dis crimination, and yet somebody has dis covered that even the most reckless and meanest among them will care
 fully avoid the woman who perfumes herself with musk.-Cleveland Leader.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Misunderstood.

"I won't see you tomorrow" said her fance, who was interested in poli- tics. q must go to Washington"
 What for" demanded the sweet young thing.
 "I want to get our Congressman to support our bill and"
 "The ideal Your Bill should support himself. How can he be so lazy"- Philadelphia Press.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Her Object.

Bobby's mother was showing him story book that contained many bright Autographs.
 And now, Bobby" she said, "can you tell me why the old witch was riding on broomstick?
 why" replied Bobby, T guess she was looking for her husband"
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
In After Years.

Husband-When we were married you confessed entire faith in, my ve- racity, but now you don't seem to be. lieve word say.
 Wife-Yes, but this is progressive age, you know, and even a confession of faith needs to be revised occasion. ally.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Invisible.

The Judge-You say you are not vagrant, yet you have no visible means of support.
 The Hobo-I did have dis mornin', yer honor.
 The Judge-Then why isn't it visi- ble at the present time?
 The Hobo-'Cause I went an eat it.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

Rodrick-So you went to see that nerve specialist? Did he test your nerves to see if you were nervous?
 Van Albert-He did, and l almost jumped out of the window.
 Rodrick-What kind of test was 1t?
 Van Albert-Why, he crept up be- hind me and footed an automobile horn when I wasn't looking.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
A Powerful Sermon.

Patrick-Phwy didn't ye go to church, sure?
 Bridget-Oi had other things to do.
 Patrick-If yez had gone and heard thot sermon on "Absenteesm" ye would have been ashamed of y'rself fur not bein' there.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Why They Do It.

"Women," remarked the typewriter boarder, follow the golden rule more than men do."
 Admitted" rejoined the old bach elor at the foot of the table, otherwise the majority of them would never be able to break into the matrimonial Qame."
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Men Were Liars Ever.

Mother (entering dining room)-Why, my dear, what is the matter?
 Daughter (sobbing)-Harry Is a b-brute, and Pm going to leave him.
 Mother-Has he dared to strike you?
 Daughter-No; it's worse than t-that. B-Before we were unmarried he s-said he would d-die for me, and now he w-won't even eat my b-biscuits.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Mean Insfnnation.

Isn't 1t strange" remarked the young lady boarder, "that baseball players are seldom sunstruck?"
 Not necessarily" rejoined the fussy old bachelor who abhors the game. "Sunstroke is an affection of the brain."
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
CuetOnarY.

MT. Bliggins thinks he has the brightest, most promising boy in the world"
 "Yes," answered Miss Cayenne. But that's no sign. MT. Bliggin's parents, no doubt, thought the same of him once."-Washington Star.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Dealing in Futures.

Young Lady-I want to look at some hammocks, please.
 Dealer-Yes, ma'am. What style for one or two persons?
 Young Lady - Why-er-one, l guess. We are to be made one the latter part of next month.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
An Optimistic View.

Dearest" whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have confession to make. am a cooking school graduate" .s ..,.,-,
 Clarence shuddered.
 "Oh, well," he rejoined, after tho manner of one resigned to his fate. i've can board"
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Taking It Coolly.

''So her father kicked you out of the house? said the sympathetic friend. "What did you say when you got on your feet again?"
 q told him he should join our football team" replied the disabled suitor.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Timely Advice,

A shadow fell across the threshold and the god of war looked up.
 "Who are you" he asked.
 T am the angel of peace," was the reply.
 Well" rejoined his war nibs, If you are going to stay over night in Europe I'd advise you to roost high"
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

Public story tellers still earn a good livelihood in Japan. In Tokio alone GOO of them ply their trade, provided with a small table, fan and paper rapper to illustrate and emphasize the points of their tales.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
The Same Boat.

Bess-Charlie, will you tell me what time it is? I've left my watch at my aunt's.
 Charie-Awfully sorry, but I can't I've left mine at my uncle es.-Detroit Free Press,
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Make Money First.

"But," protested the plain citizen, "don't you consider honesty good thing?"
 Sure" replied the politician; "but it's like all other good things-you've got to make money before you can afford it."
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Trouble.

Church-Half the trouble in this world comes from men lying.
 Gotham-Yes; and the other half comes from them telling the truth.- Yonkers Statesman.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Their Advantages.

Say what you please about false teeth, there is this in their favor: You do not have to cut them in the first place, or have them pulled In the end. Philadelphia Inquirer.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Matter of Relationship.

Her-I can only be a sister to you.
 Him-Oh, that won't do. You'll have to be daughter to me or nothing.
 Her-Because why?
 Him-Because I've been "popper" to you.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Such Dear Friends, Too.

Mayme-Here are some proofs just received from the photographer Which is the best?
 Edyth-Do you mean which is the best picture or which looks the most like you?
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
A Word of Warning.

Wife-I must run across the street and bid Mrs. Neighbor good-by. I'll be back in a second.
 Husband-Well, you'll have to hurry. The train leaves in three hours.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
He Told Her Why,

Peckem-I have been asked to join the Married Mems Club" my dear.
 Mrs. Peckem-Indeed! And what do married men want a club for, pray?
 Peckem-Why, misery loves com. pany, you know. por t..,.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Pertinent Query.

Him. see your social rival, Miss Budd, has her picture in to-day's pa- per.
 Her-Indeed! What was she cured of?
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

An insignificant nose indicates an in- significant man.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
His Theory.

The Maid-From your viewpoint suppose, marriage is failure.
 The Bachelor-It is-and the wom. an in the case is the preferred cred itor.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
Speed Limit.

Eva-When Jack proposed in tho automobile were you in love with him1 Ernie-I was carried away with him.
 Eva-You don't say
 Ernie-Yes. He lost control of the machine.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

For a felon, or "run-a-round," use stramonium ointment-a preparation of jimson, or Jamestown weed.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
SUPPOSE WE SMILE.
PARAGRAPHS FROM
 THE COMIC PAPERS.

Pleasant Incidents Occurring the World Over-Sayings that Are Cheer- ful to Old or Young Funny Selections that Everybody Will Enjoy.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
An InsinuatiOn.

An Insinuation. ~ Bragys-I killed bear during my hunting trip in Montana. Waggs-Sof How far did hs chase you before he dropped1
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

About one-third of the weight of an egg is solid nutriment.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

Good health and good sense are two of life's greatest blessings.-Syms.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

Canada is an Indian word, meaning "collection of huts."
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO.
 INGS HERE AND THERE.

Jokes and Jokelets that Are Supposed to Have Been Recently Born-SayinRs and DoinGs that Are Old, Curious and LauGhab1e-The Weeks Hu,nor.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
h New York.

I'm afraid aln't really in society, after all." moansd the mult-milIlon' aira
 "Why notf'
 Nobody has attempted to blackmail
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

Don't take bodice of and put it away immediately-lay it out to air.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

Don't run into debt as long as you l can find a stone wall to run into.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
 OF THE PRESS.

Odd, Curious and Laughab1e Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portray ed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day-A Budget of Fun.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

Three thousand marriages are perform. ed every day all over the world.
Holbrook argus., 1905-11-18

A woman Is apt to exaggsrAts about everything except her age.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
In Union 10 Strenoth.

"A nan is but a cluster On the great
human grapevine. He begins to. dry
up the moment he Is cut of from his
fellows. There is something in the
solidarity of the human race which
cannot be accounted for in the sum to-
tai OF all the individuals. Separation
from the mass involves a mighty loss
OF power In the i1dividuai. Just as
there Is a loss Of cohesion and adhe-
sion involved In the separation of the
molecules and atoms Of the diamond.
the value Of the gem is in the close
contact the compactness, and the con-
centrafion of the PARTICLES which COM
pose II. The moment they are sepa-
rated lis value is gone. So strong,
enectiye man gets large part of his
strength from the vital connection.
with his fellows.-Success MagazIne'
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21

the Georgia bar. They were more SOL
emn than usual. for the fight they were
to witness was to wipe out the most
terrible of insults. Two wellknown
lawyers of Rome. who had been life
long friends. had fallen out. and one of
them, in the height OF dispute, had
reviled the other with all the terrible
words he could lay tongue TO.
There had been score of men pres
ent to hear and TO prevent an imme-
date shooting, and now the two de-
voted friends, turned enemies, rode
with their party toward the fata.
ground where they were to make target
practice on each other. Each of them
was dOwncast and gloomy. for at heart
they We're devoted. But the insult was
deadly, and there seemed no escape
with honor from the encounter.
When they arrived at the ferry. how
ever, the tiatboat was on the other side.
A second picked up the horn from the
post and blew it Justify. Over and over
he sounded it. until from a distant field
the aged ferryman came sauntering
leisurely down to his craft. The two
lawyers sat side by side on their horses
and watched his slow progress. The
strain grew mOmentarily heavier and
the men glOomer. At last one of them
the insulted one-could stand it no
longer.
"Jim," he said. impulsively, "befo' We
go out of Geo'sia want you to answer
me one question. How did you ever
come to apply all those epithets to
me?'
Charley said Jim. solemnly, 81 did
it in my professional capacity"
The face of the man who had been
insulted lighted up with smile of
great relief. and he held out his hand.
Il knew it. l knew it,! he cried
"Shake on it! Who ever heard of hold.
ing a lawyer responsible for what he
said in his professional capacity? 1t
would be madness, suh Madness
They shook hands fervently and the
duel was declared off.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
Negro Turning White.

correspondent Of the San Fran
cisco Call says: The latest freak Of
nature and marvel Of the medical sci
entists is the change of color which is
gradually creeping over the body Of a
negro porter, Charles Hugo Bell, in
Colusa. Mutation began several years
ago. The spots Of white have spread
to the face and hands. Although the
victim Of this strange disease suffers
no i'll effects at present, he has been
advised that as soon as the complete
change takes place death will ensue.
AT present he is employed at hard Ia
Dor and enjoys life, but is the subject
of much curiosity.
Bell was born in Columbia, Georgia.
in 1886. His parents were full-blooded
negroes, coming direct from Africa as
slaves to the United States.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
COMES A TIM e
When Coffee Shows What II Has Been
Doing.


"Of late years coffee has disagreed
with me" writes a matron from Rome.
N. Y; ITS lightest punishment was to
make me 'logy' and dizzy. and Il
seemed to thicken up my blood.
The heaviest was when 1t upset my
stomach completely, destroying my ap-
petite and making me nervous and irri-
table, and sent me to my bed. After
one OF these attacks. In which nearly
lost my life, l concluded to quit and
try Postum Food Coffee.
at went right to the spot! found
It not only most palatable and re-
freshing beverage, but a food as well.
"All my ailments. the 'loginess' and
dizziness, the unsatisfactory condition
of my blood, my nervousness and irri-
liability disappeared in short order and
my sorely afflicted stomach began
quickly to recover. began to rebuild
and have steadily continued until now.
Have good appetite and am rejoic-
Ing in sound health, which owe to
the use of Postum Food Coffee" Name
given by Postum Co., Battle Creek,
Mich.
There's reason.
Read the little book. "The Road to
Melville" found in each pkg.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
Reads Like a Miracle,

Moravia. N. Y. July 17th.-(SpeciaD
bordering on the miraculous is the
case OF Mrs. Benz. Wilson, OF this
place. Suffering from Sugar Diabetes,
she wasted away till from weighing
200 lbs. she barely tipped the scales at
13O lbs. Dodd's Kidney Pills cured
her. Speaking of her cure her hus-
band, says:
my wife suffered everything from
Sugar Diabetes. She was sick four
years and doctored with two doctors,
but received no benefit. She had SO
much pain all over her that she could
not rest day or night. The doctors
said that she could not live.
Then an advertisement led me to
try Dodd's Kidney Pills and they
helped her right from the first. Five
boxes Of them cured her. Dodd's Kid.
ney Pills were God-sent remedy to
us and we recommend them to all suf-
fering from Kidney Disease"
Dodds Kidney Pills cure all Kidney
Diseases, including Bright's disease.
and all Kidney aches. including Rheu-
matism.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
Objection. All Removed.

A Chicago lady wrote to farmer
over in Michigan where she spent last
summer with her family and told an
she would like to come again this
summer, but that she objected TO the
kitchen methods of his hired girl and
to the swine being kept too close to
the house. She received an answer
which contained the following: You
may cum all right. Hannah has went
and there haint been no hogs on the
place since you left last summer
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
THEY DISCOVERED A LooPHoLE.

Not far below Augusta. Ca, the Sa-
vannah River Is crossed by an anti
quated fiatboat, hanging by cable
from post far up stream, and im-
PEELED from bank to bank by the action
of the current This is the "Sand-bar
Ferry" and from time immemorial un-
til the abolition of duelins the banks OF
the river on both sides We're bloody
fields of so-called honor.
Gentlemen Of South Carolina. having
quarreled. crossed i'll the rickety fiat
boat with their seconds and fought
their battles on Georgia soil, and Geor-
gians went over to the Palmetto State
for their shooting or sWord-play.
Thther. one day. went a solemn PRO
cession of principals. seconds and wit
aesses, most Of them representatives of
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
Hanna and the Poor House.

An Ohio manufacturer tells this
story of Mark Hanna. The Senator
often walked through his mill. e1-
planning this and that. One day while
on such tour he heard boy say: II
wish I had Hanna's money and he
was in the poor house." The senator
smiled grimly, and on returning to his
office sent for the boy. so you wish
you had my money and was in the
poor house, eh?' he said. Nov. sup
posing you had your wish. what would
You do?" The youngster, one Of the
ready-wltted Irish variety, said with a
droll grin: well, guess I'd get you
out Of the poor house the first thing"
This adroit answer brought the lad an
increase Of pay the next week.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
pisFi6URINo ULCER
People Looked at Her In Amazement
Pronounced incurable-Faee
Now Clear as EverThanks
God for cutieura.

Mrs. P. Eackett. of 400 Van Buren
St.. Brooklyn. N. Y. says: Il wish
to give thanks for the marvellous cure
of my mother by Cuticura. She had
a severe ulcer. which physicians had
pronounced incurable. 1t WAS a ter
rible Disagreement, and people would
stand In amazement and look after
her. After there was no hope from
doctors she began using Cuticura
Soap. Ointment. and Pills. and now.
thank God. she is completely cured.
and her face is as smooth and clear
as ever"
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
ENCOURAGEMENT.

But" complained the young man,
eff you don't care for me, why have
you been encouraging me all this
time?'
Encouraging your chs answered
"why, haven't been doing that. OF
course, I have let you hold my bands
some, but, gracious, il you call that en-
engagement. you ought y see ne
when I'm with Jack."-CLicaso Record.
Herald.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
A GENTLE REBUEE.

Papa Bass-"Now, my son, be sure
to keep cut Ct danger and always look
before you bite"
Little Finney Bass-"But, papa
there's no danger just now. Isn't this
the close season for our family?"
Papa Bass (sarcastlcally)-"Why, SO
it is! And il fisherman is fined fol-
having you in his possession, you gel
half the fine to heal your wounded
eelings!'-Brooklyn Life.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
When cheerful. brave, light-hearted
woman is suddenly plunged into that
perfection of misery, the BLU Els, it is
{ sad picture. 1t is usually this way:
She has been feeling "out of sorts

for some time; head has ached and
back also; has slept poorly been quite
nervous, and nearly tainted once or
twice, head dizzy, and heart beats very
fast; then that bearAg-down feeling,
and during her menstrual period she is
exceedingly despondent Nothing
pleases her. Her doctor says: "Cheer
up: you have dyspepsia; you will be
all right soon."
But she doesn't get "all right" and
hope vanishes; then come the brood
ing, morbid, melancholy, everlasting
BLUES.
Don't wait until your sufferings have
driven you to despair, with your nerves
all shattered and your courage gone,
but take Lydia E. Pinkham's Vege-
table Compound. See what it did for
Mrs. Rosa Adams. Of s19 12th Street,
Louisville, KY, niece of The late Gen
eral Roger Hanson, C.S.A. She writes:
Dear Mrs Pfnkham:-
~ cannot tell you with pen and ink what
Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound
troubles, extreme lassitude, the blues,
nervousness and that all-gone feeling was
advised to try Lydia f. Pinkham's Vegetable
Compound, and it not only cured my female
arrangement, but it has restored me to perfect
health and strength The buoyancy Of my
younger days has returned, and do not suf-
Ter any longer WITH despondency, as did be-
table Compound q bocn u sick and suffering
women"
u you have some arrangement Of
the female organism write Mrs.
Plnkham, Lynn, Mass, for advice.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
A MANUFACTURER.

"And so you live up there in the
mountains all winter!" asked the mau
who met his guide Of last summer in
New York the other day.
"Yes, the whole year round" replied
the woodsman.'
But you can't fish up there now!"
"Oh, no."
"What in the world do you do?"
ooh, spend my time thinking up
fish stories to tell you fellows in the
ummer."-I0nkers Statesman.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21

= Every housekeeper should know
that II they will buy Defiance Cold
Water Starch for laundry use they
will save not only time. because 1t
never sticks to the iron. but because
each package contains l6 Ozone full
pound-while all other Cold Water
Starches are put up In Y pound pack
ages. and the price is the same. 10
cents. Then again because Defiance
Starch is free from all injurious chem.
icals. II your grocer tries to sell you
. 12oz. package 1t is because he has
. stock on hand which he wishes to
dispose of before he puts In Defiance.
He knows that Defiance Starch has
printed on every package in large let
ters and figures "16 ozs." Demand De-
nance and save much time and money
and the annoyance Of the iron stick
ing. Defiance never sticks.
Cnntd'a In iS Of hot C
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
IN THE JUNGLE,

An Englishwoman travelling with her
husband i'll India passed an entire
night in the top of a tall tree. waiting
for her husband to get shot at pan
ther. She describes the experience in
the Pail Mall Gazette:
Toward l o'clock we were certainly
getting drowsy, when we We're bott,
startled out of our sleep by hearing the
most fearful snarls and yel!s coming
from just below our tree. My husband
was peering out in an instant, but only
just in time to see two large animals.
fighting hard. disappear into the
shadows of the trees. In the difficult
light OF the moon we had not time to
see for certain what animals they
were, but 1t looked and sounded ike
panther driving off a pig.
"Whether what had seen was the
panther or not do not know, but
dark shadow passed beneath US. and
there, right opposite us on the bank,
with his white chest cleaning in the
moonlight, sat large panther.
"My husband got his rifle into posi-
ton and fired, and the panther rolled
over with growl. In a minute, with
another low growl. he rolled over again
into clump of tall grasses just at the
bottom of the bank, and remained quite
still. He was completed hidden from
us, and we could only watch the place
and wait. Hardly had we got settled
when cracking came ON the dry
leaves under the tree. and hyena ap-
peared. He stopped n few yards from
the clump of grass in which the pan
ther lay, and began baying. If it was
intended as challenge it had the de-
sired result, for in minute we heard
a savage growl come from the long
grass. and quicker than my eye could
follow in the uncertain light the pan
ther had sprung out upon the hyena.
"And now how can l describe that
awful tussle? Snarls. howls and fierce
growls all horribly mixed as those two
fearful animals fought. The panther.
we could see, was severely wounded: :
in fact, one shoulder appeared quite
useless, and soon it seemed probable
that the hyena would get the best of it,
when suddenly the two animals parted
few yards, and lay gasping and pant
ing on the ground.
"My husband availed himself of this
chance of a shot, and with the report
that rang out like cannon the hyena
bolted and the panther rolled over OF
his side. Being now certain that he
would never move again, my husband
called to me to come down, but this
was no very easy matter, as somehow
my knees felt most curiously feeble.
did manage, however, to reach the
ground quite safely, and was hurried
back to camp just as dawn was break
ing"
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
ANOTHER ONE,

"Do you know what you ere trying
to say" queried the editor, as he
glanced over the copy, when you
speak Of man going to hiS long rest
at the untimely age Of eighty?"
"Sure," answered the new reporter.
Gle ought to have been chloroformed
twenty years ago."-ColumbCs Dis
patch.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
SLOW FELLOW,

$50 the enga cement is broken OFF,"
Eyes. 1t seems she told him one
evening that she wasn't beautiful
enough to be his wife, and he didn't
deny her statement quick enough to
suit er."-Philadelphia Ledger.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
NONE MISSING.

"Do you think that mosquitoes carry
malaria?"
Il Dunno" answered Farmer Corn
tossel. "They never took any away
from here. ."-Washingto Star.
The Grit-advocate., 1905-07-21
WOULDN'T KNOW IT.

Barber-"RaZor all right, sir?"
Patient-"I wouldn't know I was be.
ing shaved"
Barber-"Thank you, sir"
Patient-"It's more like being fayed,
you know."-Cleveland Leader.