Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1905-04-07

Baltimore American.
Captain Showing her over the ship
This Is the quarterback. Lady
Then suppose that deck down there
is the fifty,cent deck.-Ex.
Mistress-If you want eggs to keep,
you must lay them in a cool place.
Bridget-Oi'll mintion it to the hens
at wanst mum-Illustrated Bits.
"You ran over that chap. Are you
going to stopY' "Yes, just as soon as
we reach repair shop. / heard some
thing break when we hit him."-Life.
| Mrs. Dobbs-How is your new
neighborhood? Mrs. Dibbs-Oh. just
like the other one; all the rich people
talk poor, and all the poor people talk
rich.-Puck.
JOEL love you; love you. Won't
you be my wife? Jess-You must see
mamma first. JOEL have seen her
several times, but love you just the
same-Ex.
little boy, that you shouldn't fish on
the Sabbath day? Tommy Toddles-I
amt a-fshin', boss; I'm JUS teachin'
worms how ter swim.-Chicago Chron-
icle.
81 see it stated here that the Sultan
wears an iron undershirt. y" Say, l
wish had one like it to send to my
laundry: I'd like to get even with 'em
once in a while" e."-Cleveland Plain
Dealer.
Hester-I hear that Bessie's engage
ment with Fred Simmons is broken
off. Too bad, isn't it? Grace-But
she's going to keep the diamond ring.
Hester-Oh, 1 didn't hear Of that
Exchange.
Still Able to Attend to Business:
81 told Uncle Simon that he was get
ting too >old and feeble to attend to
business did he take it kindly?"
''He threw me out of his Office" -
Vanity Fair.
An Inducement: Peddler-Want to
buy an umbrella cheap? Krankley-
No. What's the use? Everybody
steals my umbrellas. Peddler-Well,
this one amt worth stealin'.-Philadel
phia Ledger.
81 thought you were quite well ac-
quainted with Brown" said Ascum.
mo, indeed" replied Cholly; law
only associate with my equals,
and" Really, you should aim higher
than that."-Ex.
Dawkins-And was it very hot in In
dia? Jawkins- Simply melting.
Why, one of our fellows stayed out
too long in the sun one day, and had
to be ladled back to his bungalow
London Tit-Bits.
"Do you expect to send your son to
college?" "Well, 1 haven't decided
yet. In view of the hazing and the
football, I'm half inclined to believe it
would be more merciful to finish him
up with chloroform. Chicago Record
Herald.
Stranger-So you went to school
with Rudolph Kipling. eh? 1 suppose
you know he is now a famous writer
Uncle Fletch-Sho! Why, him an me
used ther same copybo an l know
my writin' d beat his'n all holler.-
Exchange.
"What is a counter-irritant?" asked
Mrs. Smithers. "a counter-irritant," /"
replied Smithers, ''is a woman who
makes the clerk pull down everything
on the shelves for two hours, and then
buys four cents worth of hairpins.
Cleveland Press.
"Ughr exclaimed the exchange tick.
ct, Withdrawing as far as possible into
the corner Of the pocket, you're from
pawnshop.''' Suppose am" retort-
ed the pawn ticket, Il am the pawn.
shops one redeeming feature. Phil
adelphia Ledger.
Naggus- are you goinng to dc
with the hero and heroine of that mag
azine story you're running now? Mar.
ry them? Borus- They'll
be married in the last chapter. Nagg'
us-I'm glad of it. 1t will serve them
right!-Chicago Tribune.
Distinguished Artist-Perhaps if you
came here you will get better light
on the picture. This studio is moi
nearly large enough. Fair Visitor
(desirous to understand)-Yes, yes;
know. One can't get far enough away
from your pictures!LPunch.
Employment Agent-What was thu
matter with your last place? Domes
tic-The missus was too particular
Employment Agent-In what way;
Domestic-She wouldn't let me locs
the baby In the foldin' bed wen had
Iscompany.-New York Weekly.
In Good -Cityman-So yor
are going to plant garden again this
year. Were your vegetables last veal
success? Suburbanite = Great
Why, my neighbor's hens took frs
prizes at all the poultry shows. an6
they ate practically nothing but my
egetables.-Judge
II must warn you, Bridget sale
Mrs. Nuritch, ito see that the peas
are thoroughly mashed" Mashed