The Glenwood post., 1905-12-02

sey asked, what did you think Of my
speechT'
The editor hesitated moment before
he inquired solemnly, Are You the
genuine Chauncey NJ. Depew"
Certainly. Do you doubt it7'
Again the editor hesitated. He re
garded the speaker as If he were sizing
him up and asked, Are you the man
all the newspapers have been saying
Is the finest speaker. the greatest talk
er, the sharpest stumper and the
brightest wit before the public?"
Depew modestly blushed at this ar.
ray of compliments. but replied, 81
guess I am he. but why do you ask?'
"Oh. because one can't believe every.
thing the newspapers say"
And Depew made haste to shake
hands with the editor and call 1t square
Sousa's Ham Story.
Bandmaster Sousa can always cap
an improbable story with bigger one
After listening to an extraordinary
yarn about some mans appetite he
told the following, which he attributed
to southern negro:
Down on our fahm we've got a man
by de name O. Jim. Now, Jim's dc
champion ham eater of all de country
roun'. Unc' Henry he'd cha'ge O. de
fahm. an ev'ybody 'spected Unc'
Henry, an when Unc' Henry toll any
o us to do anythin' we JUS done 1t
ithout stoppin' to ask any questions,
cause we had conf'de in him. We
knowed he wouldn't ever tell us to do
anythin' dat we hadn't orter.
But dat Jim-w'y, folks come rom
all de country roun' jes' to see Jim eat
ham, TO de way he could tuck ham
away was amazin'-it suttinly was.
How you would laugh to see Jim a-set-
tin by de fence one day a-eatin' one
ham after another like ez eff dey was
cakes or biscuits! Twas 'ez easy to
him as picliin teeth. an he'd got down
eight hams, an de ninth was a fol-
lerin', but reckon it wuz f'om mid
din old hawg. for some gris'le got in
his throat an choked him an stopped
his breath, so we wuz afeared dat we
wuz agoin' to lose Jim.
But up got Unc Henry sort O. easy
like. an he went over to de fence, an
he TUX slab, an he walk t'ward Jim.
an he sez, Jim, git down on all fours =
Dat slab looked mighty big. it did, an
right in front O. Jim was big pile o.
stones. but Jim had confidence in Unc'
Henry. so he got down on all fours
an waited, a de gris'le in his throat,
why. dat waited too. An inc Henry
pahted Jim's coat tails an h'isted de
slab an fetched it down wild a mighty
swish an give Jim hit, an Jim went
head first on to dat pile o stones, but
he had confidence in Unc' Henry, so
he knowed he wouldn't be knock ed
through de stones. but would stop ez
soon ez he hit EN-. An when he struck
dem stones dat piece O grisle lowed it
mad biZnesS somewhar else. An Jim
riz up an hollered Gimme anudder
hamv"
Buffalo Bills Yam.
One evening Colonel Cody told this
story to two or three friends with
whom he was spending the evening.
When he was General Sheridan's chief
of scouts there was "a little affair"
In camp at which every one present got
well filled up but Cody. He had deter
mined to keep sober and succeeded.
Toward morning he went to the cot
tage where he lived, raped on the
window and made himself known, and
bis wife, who refused to open the door,
said:
GO away, whoever you are. Colsnel
Cnfy hop,n
the story Cody laughed and continued: :
Boys. I'd gone home sober, and my
wife didn't know me! went back to
the camp, got as full as any one else.
returned to my house, approached the
door unsteadily. fumbled the latch. and
my wife's voice greeted me, saying:
"'1s that you, WillleT"
lrMngs Absentmndedness.
Sir Henry Irving can turn even his
peculiarities to account in story telling
Like any other man Of affairs, he had
sudden and long periods of absent
mindedness. One day while we were
driving together he turned to me and
said:
Marshall, l have a story you can
add to your repertory-a very quaint
one" Then he went into deep thought
and we had gone fully block before
he spoke again. Then he said:
And you know
Then we went another block, then
farther but suddenly he asked:
Now, wasn't that droll" 1t certain
ly was, no matter what it was, If he
said so. but he still owes me the story.
for he had told 1t only to himself
General Miles is loaded to the muzzle
with good stories. Here are some that
he gave me one day in quick success
sion:
Two by General Miles.
A darky approached fish stand kept
by another darky and asked: Got
any fresh fish,"
"'Cose | has. What you tink Is