Kingsbury County independent. (DeSmet, Kingsbury County, S.D.) 1894-1929, 1905-08-18
AN AMATEUR SMUGGLER

Chase car the other morning looking as
fresh as the daisies by the roadside.
Hello, BILL" said the sandy-complex-
toned person I'm the back seat. When did
you get back to this neck o. the woods?
Last / heard of you. you'd gone abroad
with your wife to see the sights OF the old
country
"Oh, I've been back q month, respond.
ed the cumbersome gent. But my better
half is still across the pond with her kin.
folks"
Right here IT should be known that the
tail, cumbersome gentleman Is Of the idea
type-at least, he has that reputation. TIC
be sure, he smokes occasionally, bur he
looks not upon the wine when 1t is red, and
on Sunday he teacehs Sunday school out
Kensington way. In other words, he Is one
of those scrupulous persons who walks the
straight and narrow like an amateur
walks a tiEhtroZ HE married a clever
little lady of The mischevious sort, and
that is the cause of this pitiful tale.
Have a good trip?" asked the sandy
person In an effort to maintain the con-
yersation.
Fine, fine replied the man with the
%scruples, except that the wife worked
one of her rude and rasping jokes on me
when / came home, and as a result my
conscience will worry me for the rest of
my days. These women folks seem to
have a mania for smuggling goods through
the custom houses, and / blush 10 admit
that my wife Is not an exception. Well,
sir; when L received a cabiegram from
my boss to hurry home at once on import
ant business 1t was decided / would nave
TO come home alone. The day before l
was to sail my wife blew into our apart
ment at the hotel with an armful of
truck which she calmly announced she
was going TO put in my trunk.
when she u%nwrapped the stuff / saw
laces and gloves and peekaboo apparel
until you would have thought she was
travelling agent for a ladies' furnishing
house.
do you expect me to lug that line OF
goods TO America with me, asked.
Certainly she said.
but the duty will amount to so much
said /. while If you bring the stun over
you car get 1t In free as wearing apparel.
That is just why / want you to take
IT, replied my wife. You can smuggle
this In, and then when 1 come / can bring
some more
.'Well, sir, when that word ismuggle'
reached me nearly passed away. I'll do
almost anything but lie and steal, and to
my way OF thinking, smuggling Is a little
Of both.
"'smuggle 1t in i gasped. Why Cath
crime, what do you mean?'
~ mean smuggle it in, retorted that
wife of mine. Just put some OF 1t here
and some OF 1t there where the customs Of
hcers won look for It; tip the inspector
q IS note, and you'll squeeze 1t through all
right
THE next ten minutes was devoted to
one of the red hottest curtain lectures
you ever read about. / handed her enough
good husbandly advice about honesty and
t~ruthfulness TO fill eight books, and when
| finished | thought i had put her on the
quiet. She whimpered a bit and said some
thing about my being cranky and rude
and mean, and then she went off TO bed.
1T took me an hour TO square myself,
but she promised 70 never mention SNUG
gle to me again. She acknowledged IL was
wrong to smuggle, and the family hotili-
ties were dispensed with. Bright and ear
ly the next day / set out to give the part
ing hand TO a few London friends and
when / returned home / found my Sara
toga packed n ready for shipment. 1
thanked the little lady and we made
tracks for the boat. The adieus were the
real thing. and all the way over to this
side Of the briny / was cherishing the
thought that / had the dearest, sweetest
and withal the most reasonable helpmeet
that ever Joined hands with a mucker like
yours truly.
"As we howe to off New York ! was
handed a telegram from my boss-not my
wife, understand, but the boss what hands
me my weekly-saying as l must hotfoot
10 Chicago without even giving my squlnt-
ers a treat to glimpse at the Bowery. So
me for the train, and my trunk was
stacked up in front Of the door at our
comfy bunk house near Chevy Chas
lake.
eIn the course of two weeks / pulled
STAKES in the west and steered for home.
Everybody was tickled foolish to see me,
including Don, the dog. and Niggin, tho
cat. The trunk was there, and as my lin
en- was all TO the. bad, / pried open the
lid. There, staring me in the face. was a
note m q dainty blue envelope addressed
to Walter, dearest Talk about your
mushy superlatives and saccharine moth
ings the first page was so fun of them
tina the standing room only sign should
have been displayed. But the second page
Its a sin and a shame to discuss II, and
/ wouldn't tell o about II II you weren't
a pretty good friend OF mine.
Turning over the new leaf, the eplstle
rambled something like this: Now, Wal
ter. my love, unpack yonr trunk carefully.
When you come to your tuxedo coat, look
In the inside pocket and take out a pair of
long kid gloves. In the outside pocket OF
your tuxedo you will find w more pairs
Of gloves, while stitched inside the lining
OF your Drown SILK SHlohlHB JdNhot SVH
will encounter a few yards of Irish point
lace
What do you think of that?" demanded
the tall, cumbersome lad. showing his
rage. And that wasn't all, by a long
shot. I found eighteen other varities OF
ladies' wearing apparel in that trunk, n
capped the climax by uncovering a small
pearl necklace that / had never cast my
squinters on before. At the end OF the
doleful note that sweet and demure wife
of mine said. That Is about all l can re-
member, Walter. but examine everything
carefully, my darling, because you might
run across something else. You are such
a dear, sweet husband, and as an amateur
smuggler you can't be beat
The sundy-compiexioned person sup
pressed a smile but the rest of the COM
muters in the back seat gave the blue.
eyed lad the merry hal ha.
.And now, gentlemen" resumed the
amateur smuggler, II want your advice as
to the better manner In which 4 can chas-
tise thai better half of mine when she
shows up on the premises
The commuters shifted uneasily in their
seats. but there were no volunteers.
.'Change cars for Georgetown and the
avenue bawled the conductor, and tho
farmers wended their respective ways
with a feeling of pity for the lad with the
big blue eyes.