davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
nsfna,a Aeastef risa,a,

One Of the cnriosities Of Burma Il .
cigar of monstrous and alarming mp
pearance. which every one smokes from
an early age. "Thc Indigenous article
is a monster eight inches long" writes
V. c. Scott O'Connor IN his book, "The
Silken East" ut consists Of chopped
wood, tobacco, moasscs and various
herbs wrapped in the silver white skin
of bamboo. So wide in diameter is it
that it completely fills UP the mouth
of any young damsel who tries to
smoke it. For presentation purposes
this long chcroot is often wrapped ut
one end IN IL coat of purple or gold
paper. It accumulatcs Il formidable
mas; of fire at the lighted end and re-
quires some skill in the smoking. But
the Burnlan infant acquires this skill
before lie can walk and while lie is
still ut the breast No one thinks Of
smoking such IL cigar through Two or
three long puifs. the lips of the smoker
thrust out to meet the circle of the
cigar. and 1t Is put down or passed on
to some good fellow sitting by"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
The Man Who Loves Words.

''Othcr folks. of course. lave their
POOR pleasures" writes Richard lie Gal
lienne in Harper's Magazine, but for
a man who loves words no JOY the
world can give equals for him the hap
pincss of having achieved Il fine pas
sage or IL perfect line. When Thack-
cray struok his list On the table as
the story goes. when he had finished
the scene Of Colonel Newcomers death
and exclaimed. by God, this is genius.
there was no empire he would have :lc
ccptcd In exchange for that moment
We often hear that yolr true artist is
never satisfied with his work. his ideal
escapes him, the words seem poor and
lifclcss. etc. compared with the dream
Whoever started that story knew very
little about the literary temperament
or lie would have known that the word )
are the dream. The dream does not
exist even as Il dream OF only very i'm
perfectly till it Is set down III words
Yes. the words are the dream"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
Tie Curiou. Lin,Dets.

The limpcts are Il curious kind Of
shc!lisl. They resemble the abuloncs
IN their habits. The interior is made
of Tie most brilliant colors, bronze and
iri&esccnt hues pretlominatng They
are found Oil the west coast of Mexico
and are SO large that the people use
them for wash basins.
They are ferocous animals and prey
with great voracity OH CLAIMS. The
process seems slow, but the limpct al
ways gets there. lie gets his cover
over the unsuspccting clam and puts
his big foot on his shell, generally on Il
weak vrcts. Then lie whips out Il long,
Wiry tahEne and proceeds to bore u
hole in his captive. When this Is done
the shell flies open, and the limpet Is
free to feast OH the poor CLAIMS car
cass. He eats but part and leaves
the rest for the fishes of the sea.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
MONDAY, MAY 18TH, 1905,
ONLY 500. 80
FOR THE ROUND TRIP

The Illinois Central will sell tickets
from Logan to New Orleans and sreturn
at the above very low rate, limited to
twenty days for return, and good
for stop overs in both directions at
nearly all points south of the Ohio
river. Tourist sleepers have been char
tered which will leave FIT. Dodge at
3O5 p m, Monday, May 18th, 1905,
and make the trip through TO New
Orleans, returning to Chicago Eat 2:30
p. M. May oath. The rate per double
berth in these sleepers will be $1,000,
which covers use of berth from starting
point back to Chicago. Applications
for reservations in these sleepers, ac-
companied by draft for $1,000, should
be sent to j. f. Merry, Asst Genl
Pass Agent, L. G. X. r., Dubuque.
Iowa, on or before May lOth-th c
earlier the better.
This Excursion will be,run special
from Ccntralia, Illinois, to New Or
leans and back to Chicago on a sched-
ule arranged SO as to give a compre-
hensive idea Of the advantages and
possibilities of the country along the
line of the Illinois Central and Yazoo
& Mississippi Valley Railroads. Going,
stops will be made at Memphis Green
vile, Vicksburg, Natchez and Baton
Rouge. Nearly three days will be
spent at New Orleans, and returning
stops will be made at Hammond, Rose
land, McComb City, Crystal Springs.
Jackson, Miss, Greenwood, Ridgeland,
Canton, Granada and Memphis.
May is a fine time to visit the South.
Crops will be we'll advanced and will
offer undisputable evidence as to the
fertility of the soil The only proper
way to judge the possibilities of a
country.for a home or investment is to
visit it, and this exceptionally low rate
and specially planned schedule affords
an opportunity that should: be en-
braced by every one who is looking for
a new home or land investment. AS
this will be a strictly business trip for
Home Seekers and Land Investors, it
will be for men only
Address the undersigned for a..oopy
of flyer giving complete schedule,
itinerary and full particulars, and the
Program of Farmers Convention to
be held at New Orleans May Goth.
]. F. MERRY,
Asst. Genl. Pass. Agent, l. c. R.R
Dubuque, Iowa.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
Better Than Aladdin. Lamp.

Aladdin's famous lamp was doubt
less n very handy little piece Of bric-a-
brac to have about the house, but there
is question whether it would be very
highly esteemed in these days of ad-
vertising wonders Aladdin may prop
erly be regarded as back number.
Whenever lie wanted anything he had
to earn 1t by the sweat Of his brow as
u metal polisher Nowadays people
who want things put ads. In the news
papers-it's much easier than rubbing
an old lamp-and they are served just
as effectively as was Aladdin by his
genii.-Philadclphia Record.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
Pudding Mives.

The name of pudding wives was
given to women who were occasionally
employed in some English monasteries
for making pastry and dclicacles that
call for the dcft touch OF IL feminine
hand. They were engaged by or with
the consent Of the regular cook Of the
Der in which to work near the kitchen
called the padding house. When ami
mails We're slaughtered, especially when
pigs were killed. about St Martins
day. these women's services were re-
quireI to make black puddings; hence
the name pudding wives. They were
called In, too. for the making Of pastry
on special occasions.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
MISSOURI VALLEY TIMES
U. u. 8AkkSS, Editor,
Weekly, S1.50 per year: Daily IS cents
per week.
The Voice Of Alexander Camp.
bell and z, klilIscan, gu election
and ordination 81 church Officers.


and ordination 81 church. Officers.
Complied by Rev II E Hlsbec.
"Thc Christian system makes
provision for choosing and set
ting apart qualified persons fer
all it's peculiar services, necos-
sary to its own cditication ard
comfort, as we'll as to it's useful
ness in the world. 1t provides
for its own perpetuity, and its
growth in the wisest and NEST
practical manner; it's whole Wis
dom consists in four points: LIST,
1t establishes the necessary Of
ficers fol its perpetuity and
growth. End: 1t selects the
best qualified persons for those
officers. Bird: 1t consecrates or
sets these persons apart to these
offices. 18th: 1t commands them
to give themselves wholly to the
work, that their Improvement
may keep pace with the growth
of the body, and be apparent to
all. Can any one point out an
improvement in this plan?
Cali it's officers, whether for
its services at home or abroad,
when fully proved, are to be for
mally and solemnly set apart by
the imposition of the hands of
the presbytery or elders of the
church. The whole community
chooses the seniors ordain.
"This is the apostolic tradi-
ton. Let those unacquainted
with the volume, examine the
apostolic law and useage:: Acts
6, 2-6. So the Christian System
in its election and ordinations
began. 1t is immutable. There
fore this system obtains in all
cases. Alexander Campbell's
Christian System, page 80.
"All persons when duly cleo
ted, should be ordained or set
apart to their respective offices
by the whole congregation, with
prayers and fasting, and thro'
the imposition Of the hands of
the Elders, or other chosen rep
resentatives. 1t is not enough
that they be elected by the suf-
frages of thepeople. The com
nonsense of mankind requires
that all candidates for impor-
tant office, whether civil or &C.
clesiastical, shall be installed
with some solemn and impress
i've ceremony, and hence the
apostles said to the deciples at
Jeruselam: Doye chooseand we
will appoint. This is all that is
ment in the scriptures by Ordi-
nation. 1t is simply a solemn
setting apart of such persons to
their respective offices as has
been previously elected by the
suffrages of the deciples, accor-
ding to the standard of quilifi-
cations laid down by the Holy
Spirit. That this was always
done by the imposition of hands,
with prayer and fasting, seems
clear from the following scrip
lures: Acts &c, "and when they
had prayed they layed their
hands on Them Acts 1873
"The Holy spirit said: seperate
to me Barnabas and Saul, for
the work Whereunto have call
ed them, and when they tasted
and prayed, and laid their hands
on them they sent them away.
Acts 1923. "And when they had
ordained them Elders in every
church, and had prayed, with
fasting, they commended them
to the Lord, on whom they be-
lieved." LIST Timothy Ala Meg
lect not the gift which is in
thee, which was given thee ac-
cording to prophecy, with the
. r ll r ~
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
Hi. Wish Wa. cr..iaed.

Her head had dropped upon his shout
der.
III only" he whispered, thy cheek
could remain there forever!''
Little thought he what was to be.
Little thought he until he got home
and tried to remove her cheek from his
dress coat with ammonia and alcohol.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
You,ll he Glad to Know This.

The lucidity Of this statement, made
by u medical journal, will appeal to all
hurried readers: Further evidence Of
the complex character Of toxins was
also furnished by the studies of haze
molysins and bacteriolysins, which had
their origin in the union Of an ambo-
ceptor and complement and were anal
ogous to toxins, the amboceptor repre-
senting the haptophore and the compile
ment the toxophore group"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11

above the reader will clearly see
how the leading men of the
Church stand on the question
of ordination. 1t is indeed the
voice not only of every man of
note among the Deciples, but it
is the voice of the ages. All an
tiquity concurs in evincin : this
truth. In all ages, and among
scholars, with equal clearness it
can be said that no one, ly di-
vine appointment, is or has been
an officer in the Church Of the
living God without these solem-
mites. H. E. Higbee.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
Apple. a. "Nishtcap.,, y

The apple is such common fruit
that very few persons are familiar
with Its remarkably efacacious medici-
nal properties. Every one ought to
Know that the very best thing he can
do is to eat apples Just before retiring
for the night.-Family Doctor.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11

Hives are a terrible torment
to the little folks, and to some
older ones. Easily cured. Doans
Ointment never fails. Instant
relief, permanent cure. At any
drug store, so cents. m31
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
n Wi.c Precaution.

Junior Pnrtner-Our traveller ought to
be discharged. He told one Of our GUS
toners that l am an ignorant fool
Senior Partner-I shall speak to him
and insist that no more office secrets
lie divulgcd
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
Very Low Rates to Hot Springs.
6. n.

Via the Northwestern Line.
Excursion tickets will be sold
on May "a and Is, limited to
return until June 5, inclusive,
on account of Black Hills Trav-
cling Mems Association Meet
ing. Apply to agents Chicago
& h-Western R'y.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
On e Day.

Finish every day and be done with
It, You have done what you could.
Some plumbers and absurdities 10 doubt
crept in. Forget them as soon as you
can.-Emerson.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
Exsnrsloe Tickets t. Illinois EIks'
EleetinQ at Nlsline. I'LL.

Via the Northwestern Line,
will be sold at reduced rates
May 20, 81 and %. limited to
return until May %, inclusive.
Apply to agents Chicago e.
Northwestern Ry.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1905-05-11
IL..lN ol3 CENTRAL RY.
limo TABLETOP Trains Out o
Rodo, iowa.

Nos. 1, 234, will stop on signal for pass
ensers holding tickets for points beyond Omaha
for Minneapolis. st. Pau! or Chicago.
Nus. 81, 81 81 and 9 run between 1T. Dodge
aud Council Bluffs except sunday.
Coupon tickets can he procured ON one or two
~. nltioa.
Th.A. J 0rhrap. AGENT.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1905-07-23
sudden changes Of temperature.

sudden changes Of temperature. I'D
HOW no INCREASE IN WEIGHT.
Practice physical culture and hygienic
body building daily for at least thirty
mlnutcs--forty minutes is better. Avoid
cxccss In mental or physical work. rest
for twenty or thirty minutes after each
meal. Take II short nap after the noon
meal. Do not worry nor hurry, sleep.
well and long and avoid great fatigue
Drink freely OF cool water or hot II most
digcstlble and fattening foods. such as
mill eggs. dates and figs. k,
Take the eggs raw or raw, beaten win
mix. Use zwelback to encourage masti.
cation. Use plenty OF moist food, well
cooked, Including the starchy foods, the
breakfast grains. potatoes and green
corn, etc. Use plenty Of fruit and sugar
Avoid foods that are constIpating. Avoid
rich mixtures that are liable TO indtlcc
indigestion. Avoid condiments reishes.
stImlllants and an excess Of acids. Foods
as marked In the diet table. are most
preferable. Let your baths be short and
not too frequent use a dry one occa sion
ally as a substitute. Give yourself some
leisure for recreation and be regular In
your habits. Avoid the most exciting ana
strenuous sports.
Remember that heredity sometimes pre-
vents the putting on OF 81 very ln'ge
amount Of flesh. even with the best OF
attention to the rules, as laid down above.
How To Reduce the Weight.
I5 Drink only water enough for health.
Dress warmly, or put on a sweater while
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1905-07-23

busting off their gallus- buttons to match
tho pace Of other mllionaires who are
.going them one better" by keeping two
or three more red-dcvil automobiles In
their garages.
our headgear: on the contrary. the pesky
humbug Is forever hankerlng after the
honey in somebody elscs flower garden
and buzzing contempt at Thea blossoms
that ought to add saccha rine flavor to
his existence, ~ E
Fl Let me cite an example, not strictly
floral In Its nature, but very Illustrative
of the point In question. Our next-door
ncghbor has tin garbage barrel-a me-
tallic receptacle. which forms a choice
.rcsting-place for melon rinds and po-s
tato peellng and the CHASTITY heads and
feet ofmartyred chickens.
AS Il cold-blooded. practical proposition.
this tin barrel doesn't hold any more and
doesn't do n bit nobler service than our
own plain. unpretentious flour barrel-(ax-
flour barrel. perhaps, should say. And
yet we can never poke our chins over
that fate has been very, very kind to
him. while 1t has given us a cruelty raw
deal. In short, we won't be happy until
we get n tin garbage barrel. too.
Now II our nelghhor used a discarded
soap box. while wa had the -four barrel.
things would be totally different. and 1t
would then be his turnto suffer the pangs
Of coveteousness and despair.
So. also, If my neighbor wore overalls
six days In the week and on the seventh
donned clothes which ] recognized rs tho
product Of q downtown fire. sale, my
SOUL would be filed with secret exulta-
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1905-07-23

II /. y. i. /. Z aH
Two species of poverty fall to the lot
of persPiring man-the KIND that MAKES
one dead po- While" and the kind mat
kceps the unfortunate lowering on the
edge OF responsibility, but never allows
him 10 get beyond 1t.
Fortune has cast me and mine In the
latter state Wa are swimming with our
noses lust above water and are doing 4.
mighty lot OF wheaaing and prodiglous
sight Of putting and blowing. Each week
we think we are going to be cusked I'M
der the current and engulfed BY the over
whclming tide which will ultimately put
us In the blue jeans brceches and calico
dress class.
Nothing but pride keeps us up, and six
nights IN the week tho still small voice
tells mo to coll 1t all off and give up the
social ghost.
II fe I've had my salary raised, ana each
time 1t looked as fittings ought 70 get
better, but they didn't. While the IN
crease In my stipend In each case, was
enough to make my bosses almost dlc
of rnmorsc, the advance has never yet
been enough to relieve tho domestic
pressure. ~ 3 tts II te
The ratio of expenses and income haver
Yaries-thnt Is to say, expenses are al
ways more than income. Paradoxical as
ii may seem, II Isn't the Yer ypoor who
are actually poor; 1t Is usually the middle
class, which ever seeks to wriggle out Of
their environments and crawl q peg high
err,
And plague my buttons II ! don't be-
lieve there arc poor millionaires too
millionalres who are scrimpinE ana
screening and economizing and Wellnlgh
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1905-07-23

.
practicing physical culture and hysienic
body building. and exercise vigorously
SO as to produce profuse and prolonged
Precipitation. Practice great deal OF
abdominal gymnastics. After exercise
take cold bath daily
Take Turkish or Russian bath once
a week. followed by general massage.
Become as active as possible IN your
general habits of life. Walk a great deal
or rather all you can. Take the smallest
amount OF sleep which your age and IN
dIvldual needs require. Avoid sluggish
ness. BE careful about your diet. Eat less.
Avoid sauces, spices, puddings Pies
cakes, milk, alcoholic drinks. malt LIQUORS,
water In excess and variety OF 1000 az
meals. Eat dry food and masticate well.
In extreme cases the diet may need to be
made up almost entirely OF proteids
FIFTH WEEKS LESSON. TAI IL
Continue the previous courses as !lluST
trated and described and add the follows
irg: Practice each OF the % exercises It
times in the morning before breakfast
and is times before retiring at night
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1905-07-23

+ / . = Z
tbs, t aa,1ses q ali TIE trouble no,nto
that cmus1 ISe get down to an irish po.'sto
and cymh!lng basis on n, our Sue auickly have
PIT a any gayn aF9 out Of the back Sse to
~. me coon INV W rrocery in quest OF ohippI;a PEE
h tne nor DO we fail to embellsn the 1a sou
With the last instalment OF ouf -
preserves: ike these 4'tis hard
A. cT froIn the Children from saving m ~
discreet things which reveal eha ou ,a keep
secrets, but someho" VI IVA nevero vince
the best foot foremos' CIV = 81
Under pressure.
80 ,,aon,nr The best foot foremost
,, hn1 one's financial limbs are 2aiin M
rheumatic gets to be a har re- n Hvnf estaps
the years Greap pon n.y. habitat al ones door
l'sl fter = tie guests have gone AFTER tn .e
f,ies and children have been scareu "a "a
from the debris Of the pr nnnad Tor the
after The SoT doors eom maV that dark
m ;ne Sor1, of melancl,olia which makes Us
saw, What's the use of Il al! D ,'n 10
try to hobble along WIN I hnda ~ with the
amy nj ~ screa mersville and 1--we N
scu,H anty with the pig In tho parlor'
but peace on our minds tharo,s az dir
! f cnmfo s md a delicious abandon about
ia,n dead 'no-white" and the status AZ
nas aftords degree Of mental relaxation
thai far f snrpa on the .n outer edge Of
ing responsibility. ,,oLo ,bs com.
see w 'hnss E my W 70 ythat
says snv' True there are moments when
f Ed almost be wiling 70 be blg p bla az
1dEss III Inc g gs aS
no-w mw llm Hit / can't stand EN-, They
And he aat having gotne aeFt q fT gn
!1 ua aa,,n,n homeless battle with our
rns s Iv' ammunition, though I don't say
,y hackle feathers won't go UP every
hour OF so, At
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1905-07-23

ton. and would think much more kind
$ly OF hInl-would think OF him with that
amiabIlty born Of conscious pecunlary
superiority. si
our neighbor who wears the high hat
and the Prince Albert. while we Wobble
about in the fire sale habliments and
;sneakingly thank our blessed stars that
ais ai = 0a'e's Df -
s On Saturday nights, when my, pipe Is
we'll lit and Is putting aromatically after
have handed over ~ weeks earnings
our house. I often pause to philosophzee
over the situation. Philosophy born Of
pipe-smokng comes dead easy; a pipe OF
tobacco. with the proper degree OF IN
obstructed suction can make mole hills
out OF mountains and unkink every prob
lem OF life. l
It is under such ameiorating conditions
that the lens OF imagination magnifies
ones self-importance and miniiles on ne 3
say say wei, chiekabiddy it is true that
Bradstreet hasn't got me rated IN the
Morgan, but after all, It doesn't take
much cllacrfulness to see that the sun
aln't wearing n crepe veil, The hundred
dollars year more when me n DO. nsIIe eed
with commissions, ought to remove every
obstacle from our way, and pave life,s
pathway with concrete from onw on I'M
~ in d r@hber now ea sSa w sDSse "
Does the good woman hop up and dance
the Highland fling at this announcement?
Not a bit of It, She lengthens her face
until i Locks the ssnp9 Of PEI
a-saying that every drop In the bucket
don't count. but You remember that us
two amt a-going It alone now. There's
the children, poor little dears. that are
amt n-complainn', you know they keep
me on the jump from sunup TIL bed
Tina.
We used to could let !. em trot aronng
everybody else's children on this block
wear shoes, and certainly amt the one
to stand by and see my flesh and blood
By o m S Snve Mhat nthsy
he pu Bfvs seho no IS THIS this @ for Tsy CAN'T
have 'em mixing up with the scurf Of the
tits his neighborhood Is a-golng to private
schools and maxim nice acquaintances
that'll last a lifetime.
ny d!;'p pipe, ! even Yer valve tho chance 10
take Issue with the Commander Chief,
and blundera into acquiescence with all her
Xs Y aWake wn q e hs s hesn ho
VIII VIII tho ai ptifal imtatlyeness Of monkey
and tho strength OF character OF q guinea
pig.
And hus i s that our noses are con-
Of emulatlon,, while we drag along about
nine laps behind our neighbors who 'un-
beknoWst' to us are doing precisely, the
All up and down the line the huge bluff
Is being kept up, and not a blessed soul
Of us has got the stamina to appear In
his true colors. 9t 5as
The Commander-in-Chief, in her des-
peration, may find herself compelled to do
her own washing, but she sees to It that
Kept clean ana that my homeHnades Shirts n
are as immaculate as those OF the folks
who subscribe to Confederate monuments
and get their names In the paperA Its
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1905-07-23

sternly questioned and browbeaten,
makes a stammering defense, ana is then
the same clerk. Sometimes he is dis
missed twenty or thirty times a day. Il
he pleads wife and various numbers
Of infant children the customer. as a
rule, magnanmously begs him on. , He Is
engaged for his lean and pathetic ap-
pearance.-London Globe.