davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

out, first selling my gorgeous cap to
the ships carpenter for 81.
That goal Of so many restless spirits
New York-was too big, too vast and
overwhelming for me. The immensely
of things dazzled me. and got cold feet
on the ironmolding proposition because
I couldn't see any foundries. Some
years later, when 1 again blew in as a
newspaper reporter for Mr.. Hearst. the
village wasn't big enough. Strange.
isn't it, how the universe shrinks and
shrivels when a young fellow gets out
to push it around with a lead pencil?
But while my So lasted I hung on to
the metropolis, taking in the sights,
mostly from the outside. Then l slid
on to Albany, deeming that town about
my size. They say the scenery along
the Hudson is great. That may be true
enough, but when the tourist makes
the trip In the night in the paddle box
Of a steamboat the view is limited
chiefly to foam and bubbles. and he is
moved at times by that moist feeling.
On the morning of Decoration day
dead hero, without any rose garlands
on him, stepped off at Albany with his
little damp DunQl6 anu Spcul SUITE Qulct
hours along the river front drying out.
1t was like Sunday. Next morning be-
fore o'clock 1 struck fine job, and
could have had several others. Many
patriotic ironmolders Of Albany had
scattered bright flowers on the graves
of our nations dead the previous day,
and couldn't get their eyes open in time
to go to work. One of the very best
seasons to seek jobs In industrial cir
cles is right after holiday. The bosses
are out looking for you. One month
finished my course at Albany. There l
fell in with a crowd of gay young men
about town who dotted on beer and va
riety shows. and the pace was too rapid
for a sport brought up at Mudville, Ill.
One Saturday night after a wild be-
bauch, and with 20 cents worth Of
beer in my skin, broke into the shop
for my tools and started West on Mon
day morning on a scalped emigranr
ticket. Riding on that kind of trans
portation and in that kind of train Is
but little better than walking. The
traveller may choose his own air and
company while hoefing 1t down the
pike. The coaches were packed with
soapless foreigners, landed the night
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22
Fab1es for the + F6o1ish1@@11deuu4eAz;,,o

an easy matter for him to turn to
something entirely different. As he
was cogitating slowly and sadly late
one night a great thought struck him
violently in the neighborhood of the
cerebellum. The thought will be dis
closed in a few minutes If the audience
will please be patient.
The next week saw Thomas begin
ming his calls on the publishers again.
much to the surprise of the latter gen.
try. That their surprise turned to ap-
proval may be learned by glancing at
their lists for the following year. One
contains Thomas Cats ] Have Known
and What Happened to them," by
Thomas Carlyle Carlyle. An
other has valuable work on "Frenzied
Financiers, or How I Held up the Mil
lionaires," by T. c. Plunkett. A third.
and at present writing the last, offers
an exceptionally attractive title as
follows: 1.-The Secret History of Wash
ingtons Second Administration, as
Edited from the Diary of His Boot
black" by T. Carlyle Plunkett
Thomas is now in Europe gathering
strength and raw material for another
incursion into the realms of literature
and lucre. Meanwhile those of us who
stay at home and struggle with our
meat and coal bills can solace our
selves with the thought that many q
book travels on its title, and that you
arrive-somewhere-m quickly by
travelling with the current than against
it.
Copyright. 1904. ,by Albert Britt.)
<@Ae<<<See<N<<sNe<SrsrS<><>
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22
~f9la @%On and OFF the Breed Wagon
Being ord Luck Doires Of
H. DdhxNN.s By Cherries Dryden

the time for a grand wholesale display
of millinery.
Amid withering deluge of cinders,
flame and smoke my intrepid landlady
danced out of her blazing portal, bal
ancing the stock of band boxes. piled
SIX high, with the skill Of a Japanese
Juggler. Moving slowly so as not to
spill any bonnets. she had covered hair
the distance to the gate when a fiery
tnunderbolt from heaven in the shape
of a redhot nail, four inches long, fiut-
tered into the ladv's bosom. This may
nave been warm rebuke called down
by Mrs. SDudhash's inopportune dis
play of vanity, and again 1T may not
AT any rate, the nail saved her life.
Dropping her bonnets. the bulky lady
emitted shrek high above the tu-
multi or the holocaust. She gained the
open street In two fiat jumps Just as
an avalanche of brick and blazing tim
bers crashed down on the cottage and
into the yard, burying the velvet bon
nets beneath twenty feet of debris. The
nail was saved, however, Mrs. Spud-
hash carried this souvenir OF our holo-
caust three squares before the police
could overhaul her, and then the nail
was quite cold.
With the hair bouquets and the nail.
all they had saved from the wreck, the
thoughtful Spudhashes again set up
housekeeping. but Jim and 1 did not
return to this new abode. While not
insistent in the matter Of luxuries we
considered this furniture inadequate
and not in harmony with our trunks,
which had escaped without a scratch.
So the steamfitter and myself went
elsewhere to put in our meals and take
out our sleep.
In the next chapter am forced into
genteel employment and become dude
for three weeks.
Copyright, 1905, by Charles Drydsn-)
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

who never break into the publishers
lists. They, too, have their reward, let
us hope. At any rate they never have
to read the criticisms of their books.
Now that we think Of 1t, we intended
to relate the story Of the life and sur
prising adventures of one Thomas Car
lyle Plunkett, D. c. L. This degree be-
ing interpreted is Dearly Covets Lucre.
When Thomas first himself to pour out
his soul on paper did apply (this SEN
,tence was copied from Elm Deutsches
Lesebuch') he fondly cajoled himself
with the thought that he had been
ushered into the world for the express
purpose Of inspiring and instructing it.
But Thomas had the courage of his
convictions and the first thing that
occurred to him after he learned that
he had been appointed general guide,
custodian and friend of the universe
was that he ought to write book to
let people know that he was on hand
and ready for business. His first ven-
ture into the realms Of literature pure
and undefiled was with a slender seven
hundred and fifty page work on the
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

I'll show what kind of soil, climate and
environment Influenced our beloved
New England ladders.
You are folleying me closely, as
see, but do not neglect to give me q
jar Of Bar-le-D Duo presoive. wit some
small bottle. Den will be In better
state to show why we Americans shun
de paths OF delight and rejoice only in
laborious days, plain sailing and high
financing.
Very well. Did our Colonial ances-
tors have q soil dey could tickle wit a
hoe and make 1t laugh q cropf Not a
bit like It'll Dey had to blast out of de
solid rock de holes where dey set out
out Of de ground wit pickaxes. Dis
made EN- see dat dey must sweat for
de bread dey ate, and it also taught
EN- not to eat too much, or dey
wouldn't have any time left to blast
out deir food.
Again, what was deir climate? Shall
I describe 1t? Our climate. de climate
of the Nordern States? No, Chames!
] am, ] hope, moral man, and con-
fame, langwudge. I will not attempt
to say q woid-not woid-about deir
climate. which also is ours.
Having disposed of de question of
soil and climate which influenced our
New England ancestors, let US con-
slider de question of environment,
which also has a powerful effect in
forming temperament. When de early
New Englanders went to deir places
of worship of Sunday morn. did dey
stroll up an avenue lined wit luxur-
Gus clubs. wit palatial hotels, flower
ing wit picture hats, perfumed wit de
odor Of altar de mobile? No, dey
walked trough de trackless forest,
lodging Red Indians. Did Dorothy
carry a lace parasol, her escort gold
headed cane? No. she carried de ex-
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

ing accents, which sounded like shingle
nails dropping down an elevator shaft,
that people didn't want to know the
truth about G. Washington, or any
one else. What they wanted was to
be told something they already knew
about, a subject that didn't amount to
anything, by a man who didn't know
anything about Ii.
The unfortunate feature of the state
in which Thomas found himself after
he was disillusionized as to what people
expected of the father of their country
was that he needed money and he
needed it badly. This is not new con-
dition for a man to find himself In,
but that fact doesn't make it any
easier for a man who lands there for
the first time in his career. 1t was up
to Thomas Carlyle to get busy or ap-
ply for the next vacancy in the county
institution for the support of the aged
and indignant poor. Having laid out
his plans for his life work on the as
sumption that he was going to have
his hands full supplying the imminent
deadly printers with copy it wasn't
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

only to people of very refined sensi-
bilities, who he was sure would be Sc
riously panied by brutal talk about
conflicts and the like. Finally he sim
mered down to the man who knew all
about it but was trying to keep 1t
dark. Perhaps if we don't let on that
we know anything about the conflict,
it may blow over" he said. Sure no
respectable author would want to make
money out of such deplorable Incl
dent" Thomas wanted to make money
all right, but the didn't seem able to
learn the combination.
AS last resort he turned his hand
to True Life of George Washington" ;"
His idea was to put a hatchet on the
cover as a symbol of the general char
acter and purport of the book. 1t is
probable that the hatchet aforesaid
would have been more useful to the
critics than to any one else, If the book
had ever reached the cover stage. But
it didn't-at least, not that cover.
Thomas tried just one publisher with
this youngest child of his genius. This
man informed him in plain, unfa.ser-
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

Capital" This was a brand new SUBJ
ject which Thomas had found in an
exhausted condition up a back alley
late one night. He carried it to his
humble home and nursed 1t, back to
life and consciousness again. Then
he told 1t as gently as possible that
he was going to put 1t into book, so
that all the world might know what
gem of purest ray serene he had
stumbled on. After wrestling with the
gem for six months he had it cut and
polished till he thought it was about
ready to shine in the best society.
Then he toddled out with it and be-
gan his weary rounds again. Then,
also, did history give another star per-
formance of repeating herself in seven
different languages. History has re-
peated herself so many times in the
past that she ought to know herself
by heart by this time. The first pub
Usher, who happened to be something
of a sport, inquired If 1t was French
duel or plain American prize fight
that he was talking about. The next
one assured Thomas that he catered
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

tucked under my left arm the process
sion glided rapidly downstairs.
The cottage stood back about fifty
feet from the street, and the blazing
building abutted on the pavement.
This gave us a fifteen-yard dash, over
which we broke the record, at the same
time lodging showers of. brick and fire
and lets of icy water. for the depart
ment had reached the scene. 1t was
only by a miracle that escaped un-
hurt. Jim also emerged unscathed.
Being a strong young man naturally
and somewhat excited. too, Jim held
his trunk bodily in one hand above his
head like a parasol until we reached
the middle of the street. There we
rested, while Mr.. ]. McCullons lowered
away his trunk and took chew or
plug cut smoking he found in his over
alls.
Just at that instant the fat land
lady oozed from the front door. Her
valiant husband had made his exit a
few seconds earlier, carrying two glass
cones of hair flowers which Mrs. Spud-
hash had created in her remote and
misty youth. AT noon next day that
splendid husband turned up heroically,
drunk, but with the gems intact. But
what can you expect of healthy man
who lets his wife keep boarders?
When Mrs. Spudhash hoped out OF
the bed she pulled on loose wrapper
belted it at the waist and darted into
a closet. Between the bed ticks lay a
purse containing $50, but the lady
never thought Of mere money. From
the closet she rescued six bandboxes,
each containing bonnet that she had
made. Mrs. Spudhash's hobby was
bonnets, mostly of rejuvenated velvet
that still looked weary and green
plumes of no particular epoch. She
starred them on all occasions where
a bonnet could be worn, and now was
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

When the landlady's soma deaf
mute-aroused us the shingles had
caught and the windows were popping
with the heat. Jim and / roomed on
the top floor front, while the dumpy
little landlady and her husband oc-
cupied the room directly below. The
deaf mute son was coming home when
he discovered the fire. He carried a
latch key, but realizing he could raisc
no outcry inside the house, the saga
cious mute picked up a cobble and bat
tered In the panels of the front door.
The racket at last awoke us.
Jim noted the glare shining in our
curtainless boudoir windows, and said
1t was time to escape with goods and
chattels. / said so too. In those days
/ combined art with the gentle craft
of iron molding, and consequently
possessed more chattels than Jim. He
had no side line, steam fitting alone
being his speciality, while I was en-
numbered with several frenzied cray
on portraits of relatives on whom /
had been practicing. We each had a
trunk, but owing to the absence of
Wallets our wardrobes were somewhat
scattered.
On my suggestion that we protect
our Sunday suits, even at the risk of
life itself, we slid into. overalls and
shop shirts with the dexterity of light
ming change artists and stuffed the
contents of blreau drawers and clos
cts into the trunks. A fusillade of hot
bricks on the roof applauded this act.
but there vas no encore. Jim's trunk
was no bigger than a soap box and
had a large leather cinch buckled
about it's middle. The strap cost more
thar the trunk. Grabbing the strap
with one hand, he took hold of my
trunk with the other and led the way.
/ seized the rear handle in my right,
and with the frenzied crayon portraits
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

bed; let us lie about it. and say we like
it. As we have sown, let US weep.
We have inherited much from our
colonial ancestors besides furniture
enough to supply mighty nation, and
should be duly tankful. We know how
have to be paid for. Here in our Nord-
ern cities are millions suffering from
cold and proud of 1t. They know there
are parts of our great and glorious
country where de sun shines on de
links, where the mockingboid is not
silent in furnace-heated room, but
pours his flood of melody in de bright
warm air of a twenty-dollar- day
Florida hotel. Dat is what lends keen
edge to de enjoyment of de misery we
suffer where we are. We prove our
courage, our strent of mind. our Joy
in sorrow, and de tight hold we have
on our pocketbooks by not going to
dose haunts of winter golf and outdoor
mockingboids.
MANY men have wondered why dis
is so, and my book shall tell en-
shall begin wefk on it In de spring.
Chames. If live trough de rigors of
dis winter. In de meantime. as shall
not go out before dressing for dinner.
bring my slippers and house coat, put
anodder log on de fire. fetch me a box
of perfectors, and place anodder bottle
where you can open it If feel chill
coming on.
Now dat we have provided against
de woist, let us consider what. if any.
advantage we gain by denying de call
to sunny climes. Are dere any?"
Just den little Fannie chases into
de room like small whirlwind. fol-
lowed by dat boy of mine, who was
home for his weekend and dey SAYS
Mr.. Paul must go out on de back lawn
and see de snow man dey had made.
He slips on de coat and rubbers 1
hands to him and we goes out wit de
kiddies. Dey sneaks behind a snow
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

Decline Of the Ethical Sense Among
Tomcats." That Is, the book would
have been of the size indicated If it
had ever become a book. Unfortunate
ly it stuck fast in the chrysalis stage
and Thomas best efforts could not
avail to bulge it. Every publisher he
approached on the subject assured
him that the market was overstocked
with abstruse scientific material and
that people had ceased to read for
purposes of general information on
matters that they didn't care anything
about.
Thomas Carlyle was fiat on his back
with nervous indignation for three
weeks after his last seance with the
purveyors Of inspiration in print.
When he arose from his bed of pain he
cast his eyes about to see IL he could
discover some new and untrodden field
in which there was an opening for a
youro man of genius who needed the
money. After long and careful thought
1t occurred to Thomas that there was
great need Of an epoch-making work
on the Conflict Between Labor and
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

fort when Mr.. Paul was sticking his
cigar in de snow mans face. and dey
opens fire on us wit q stock or balls
dey had in de fort. Dey gives 1t to US
good and hard before we could get
into action, and we was having Port
Artur Of q time when Miss Fannie.
Whiskers and Willy Wildly drives up
in de sleigh, and we gives 1t to them.
for fair.
Take sidesi" yells Whiskers, hop
ping out of de sleigh like a two-year-
old; and we all gets into de game and
makes so much of holler dat Ouch
ess comes out to see was one of de
kiddies hoited. She got SNOWFALL in
her peppers, and den it was rough
house all over de lot, till de women
folks was blowed, and near dead wit
laughter. Den all hands piled on de
coaster, and we started down de grade
at q mile a minute. wit de extra weight
to make 1t go. Kiddie was steering.
and. misjudging de pace we was going,
would have landed us in de ice water of
de Sound If I hadn't twisted de back
bob. and give US de liveliest spill you
ever see. Dere was more tings going
trough de air dan Is seen when folks
is standing on deir feet, and for Ave
minutes we was digging women out Of
drifts. Snow tings was doing. for
sure, until butler comes out and asks
Miss Fannie would he take tea off, or
would any one come and have some.
.Dey eats enough bread and jam at
tea tc make dinner, and was so keen
about de fun of winter sports dat after
dinner dey was all out for a moon
light skate, and at midnight dey eats
enough supper for anodder dinner.
DE beauty of our glorious nordern
winters" ! hears Mr.. Paul telling
Whiskers, lis dat dey gives you such
a toist and appetite you can eat
enough to carry you trough de sum-
mer, when nobody can't eat nohow"
Sure ting. says Whiskers. II has
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22
BREAKING INTO PRINT.

NHE gentleman who is responsible
for the statement to the effect
that there is no definite percep-
tible limit to the manufacture
of books never tried to write
bne. II he had he would have discovered
that the average publisher puts very
nrm and unquestionable end to about
nine-tenths Of the books that are writ
ten. For this and for other acts OF
unusual heroism said publishers will
please apply for Carnegie medals. The
nne forms on the left. OF course some
NEED Of praise is due the Industrious
plyers Of the ready fountain pen and
the voluble typewriter for their persist
ence In face Of the fact that the
chances Of ever seeing the products Of
their brains In cold type metal are
about one In o hundred, If as good a.
that. The man who persists in piling
up words on top Of each other In full
that the first manufac-
kurer Of literature who comes along will
tip the whole mess over into the vo-
racious waste basket is not more than
three rows Of apple trees removal from
q hero.
But Il was not our intention, as
nearly az we can recall, when we began
the compilation OF this imposing array
Of wit and wisdom, to hand out any
laurel wreaths to the unknown heroes
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

ira ammunition for de blunderbus her
best young man held before him,
ready to welcome de foe. 1t made q
powerful impression on our ancestors
dat dey had to fight deir way to de
house of prayer. Man has a high re-
gard for anything he risks his scalp
to get. A sermon which is heard
above de war song of cruel and re-
lentless foe brings home to de listener
the fate Of de wicked with peculiar
force. A man who has to keep one
eye on de loophole he is appointed
to defend, while he reads de hymns
wit de odder eve. is more affected by
de songs of praise dan de man who
has 'em sung for him by a five-hun-
dred-dollar-a-week choir. Divine soiv-
ace, Chames, is no fashionable func-
ton to de man who is pulling an ar
row out of de small of his back wit
one hand while he passes de collection
plate wit de odder.
so, dere, as 1 shall prove in me
book, were de causes-soil, climate
and environment-which formed de
moral ideals and standards of our
revered ancestors.
scended from dat good and sturdy
stock know dat it is wicked to seek
comfort for comforts sake: dat it is
oihAui " lake our ease WITHOUT tdhlnS
our aches. Derefore we do not foley
de sun, we do not chase de summer If
we did de whole population OF dose
United States would hike to de sunny
Sout, to blue-skyed California.
No. Chames, we know our business;
1t Is to suffer and not complain. Let US
walk abroad in de SHOWS Of yesterday
and de week before, not scorning de
humble germ of pneumonia, not ignor-
Ing de desolving microbe Of chilblains.
De landlords of de Mort have vested
rights which only a Nannychist would
distroy or deny. We have made our
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

O. ONE of de folks chases de sun. or
folleys de summer. as they calls It:
but our folks don't do It. whiskers
~ says it's good for people to be froze
half de year, SOS dey'll grow
hardy, like de ancestors before US. who
had to shovel a snow tunnel between
de kitchen and de stables to Ret apples
for de pie which was de foist course at
breakfast when dis country was drill
Ing In de awkward squad, Joining how
to be nation.
What for?'' says to Mr.. Paul. when
I'd been mulling dis for while.
What prize is hung up for dose who
keeps demselves on cold storage when
dey might as well be where de links is
green and de surf warm?"
i reJoices dat you has come to me
wit dis interesting problem" says Mr..
Paul, taughtfully reaching out his
glass for me to spill some fizz into de
space he'd cleared for it. Eating dis
frugal lunch all alone by meself, as /
discuss hot bold and a cold bottle.
l am inclined to reveal to you. Chames,
de secret Of de phenom'nom dat YOU
ask about. 1t is an effect of q combi-
nation Of early New England causes.
what has produced results dat is de
delight and wonder of students de wide
void over. / has made dis discovery
all by me lonelies. and will write a
book about it as soon as 1 have a few
days to spare from de strenuous life I
lead trying to keep alive in dis wedder.
Dis Is no theory. but a fact which I
VIII give to a startled woild. / caIl
me discovery De Secret of de Ameri-
can Code of Morals
shall not attempt to trace de
causes to form sources. No! i shall
foist prove dat de effect OF soil. cli-
mate and environment have more to
do wit mans moral and etical ideals
dan has ancestry. After proving dat,
The San Francisco call., 1905-01-22

- N reaching New York from Tex
as. following a long period of
" food and financial depression
the bread wagon was all but
backed ap to the wharf % meet me. and
for quite a while l rode on the front
seat. The captain of the steamer said
/ had no legal claim on him for wages,
since / had taken the place of cabin
boy who had run away at Galveston.
Still. in the goodness of his heart the
skipper gave me 81 in new $2 bills for
toiling a matter of ten days on his boat.
Half of this money went for blue cap
with gold lace on it, as ] contemplated
making another voyage as the Real
Thing. But after scrubbing paint work
one day 1 soured on the sea and lit