Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1904-04-02
FIGURE sAND FIGURES

IF EAT
Say, did you ever measure yourself for
a suit OF clothese" drearily inquired an at
tache OF the weather Bureau whose lonely
forecasting station is, away out in the
Rocky mountains, aJeouple of hundred
Washington lastsweek7on little vacation.
Because, If you never did, take my adj
vice and DON'T I, tiled 1t couple Of
months ago. Ismissed getting by with 1t
by thousand miles, although I worked
harder at that job than at anything I ever
tackled. 81
when I heard, a couple of months ago,
that they were going to let me have lit
tie vacation, began to size up my ward
robe, and found that the suit looked
pretty shabby. 1t was all right for the
higher attitudes OF the Rockies, where
never had anybody to look me over except
the occasional freighters who passed along
the trail, leaving me letters and packages,
and where there were no girl creatures or
any kind, but 1t was plain that that suit
wasn't going to do for civilization. espe-
ciaIIy for the streets of washington, where
I intended to visit my folks. So began TO
dope out some way of getting myself fixed
up as to clothes. There was no chance OF
my getting to the nearest town and order
ing a suit, on account Of the daily reports
/ had to make, and trip to the nearest
town would have licked up four days, there
and back l didn't want to go into the
nearest town to take the railroad east,
anyhow, with that poor rig on wanted
to blossom on waiting world in all the
SplendOr Of new buds.
Il was in this quandary when picked up
q magazine, and, according to my custom
eyerybody's else, too, imagine began
to look through the ads. In the back part
first. Then 1 was let out, or thought was
let out, of my dilemma as to those new
togs Read the ad. of Chicago firm tell
inc of q m system
man of the intelligence of a mollusk could
measure himself for his own clothes ano
have 'em shipped to him by express. Inc
ad. advised people that wanted clothes on
this system to send for its free booklet,
How to Measure Yourself for Your
Clothes and my request for one OF those
booklets as well as an 1nt1matlon tnat q
like to have few samples of cloth sent
along at the same time, went out by the
next mail.
.I received the samples and the booklet
about a week later, and studied the DOCK
let harder than 1 ever studied any text
books for an examination. At last after
about four days of intense application.
thought that had mastered the 1ntrlcacles
of the scheme, and, after 1 had zone my
DAYS work, repaired TO my garnet ABOVE
the forecaster's office and started in to &c
over my shape with the tape. had the
booklet directions spread out in front OF me
on a table, and there didn't SEEM 10 De
any chance for me to lose. Aftei aDou!
l.
/ had it all o. X. The figures that hao
made looked like a race doper's handicap.
ping system in the act OF Delng Workeu ou,
ON a pad but it seemed beautiful TO me-
verified it. as I thought, with the directlons
to guide me- and the sums seemed TO Worh
out properly enough. Then l picked out q
couple of samples, and inclosed my tapuia-
ton of self-mea surementS-it looked 100
something like one of the census Reports ol
TIE production of wheat for ten years-to the
Chicago firm, instructing EN- to make uE
the two suits and fire them along to me
just as soon as completed. Z: y: II.
about week later l. received very en-.
Pertaining letter from the boss OF the mail
order department of that Chicago firm. He
said in his letter that made beautl1ui hg-
ures, and that it was plain that the govern
ment supplied me with q swell brand OF
ink. and plenty of itAbut he said that he
thought l must have been only fooiing "her
I'd sent in those MEASUREMENTS.
These measurements, he went on, &c
not call for clothing for man. l do no,
say this lightly, or in the way or jest, pu'
because can prove it. I'll proceed to prove
it. A couple of weeks ago a man who has
at one of the museums here, set of per
forming seals, took 1t into his head that the
act would go better if he dressed his seals
UP in something like human clothing. SO
he came to our firm for tn, clothing for his
seals The seals were duly measured by one
of our experts, and the clothes cut and
made for them. Now when your measure
ordinary similarity OF. the measurements to
those taken for the seals clothing struck
us, and we compared the figures. Believe
me. the measurements for the performing
seals suits and those you sent us tailed al
most exactly, Consequently. we are under
the impression that you must have made
some little mistake, or slipped cog, OF
something If the self-measuring system
seems a little too complicated for you, re-
spectfully recommend that YOU just jot
down on a piece of paper your general
measurements-height, weight, reach OF
arms. length Of limbs, girth in inches. and
SO on, and we will make up the two suits
of clothes from the samples you sent us
and send them to you on approval They
will very likely fit pretty we'll. AT all events
it will be impossible for us to make the
suits from these self-r,easuring figures you
have sent u.s.
.'Humiliating, wasn't It? But took that
fellows advice, and sent him my plain
measurements, without resorting to any
geometry or trigon8metry or any of the
other higher mathematics called for by the
self-measuring system. He acknowledged
receipt of these plain figures. and in due
time the pair of suits came along. Fitted
pretty we'll. at that.
by the time I reach the stage when
want to or need to cut my owp hair. III try
that seif-measuring- asa guide
scheme again"