West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1904-06-23
Mrs. RASHER'S
|CURTAIN LECTURES
TtiE OLp NAV Has A GODD TINE
WITH SOME OF his FORMER
CIONiES.
lie Relates Some or His Trials aud
rribuiaiions with Ills wife.
NUMBER NINETEEN.

please. This is the first evenir
that I've really enjoyed III, self
since we moved into this cOnfounai
ed new tangled house. To see my
old friends all about me, and TO
realize that my better halt isn't up
stairs waiting to give me curtain
lecture, makes me feel like pig in
clover. Our rose colored silk, but
they don't make the lectures any the
roster Ia ! Ia In fact. I've some
times, in my reflective moments
wonder q il they didn't ralherdeep
en- the hue. It's singular that
though the curtains are red, they
almost always make me blne. I've
sometimes thought il mus; he CIV
ing to the refractory character Of
my amiable spouse. Bless her !
let's drink TO her health standing
and silent. OF course, SHOULDN'T
drink to the health of my deary in
MADEIRA, and | should be chary Of
drinking it in sherry in promis-
cuous assemblage, but we're all
friends, old and tried (excuse the
the tried, gentlemen; it's term.of
the trade;) there isn't one present
but knew us In the days of our
small beginnings, before the first
loaf was turned in that business the
fat profits of which have surrounded
us with our present efu!gence.
You remember the little sign, Jones,
for you painted it for me yourself
"r. Rasher, Fishmonger"--that
used TO shine over the shop in d
street; you remember it, but Mrs.
Rasher don't. She couldn't call il
to mind, il she set little dog to-
to bring 1t back to her. The very
shad oh of it has vanished from her
mind. 1t was retail, you know,
and we're wholesale now, and re-
failing fish is rather scaly business
for Fifth Avenue to look back
upon
Don't be surprised at any fests
you may SEQ me perform, not even
if | dance on my table. I've been
genteel so long hardly know my
self, now that I've got my old cro-
MES around me. It's terrible
thing to be gentility, | mustn't
laugh, | mustn't joke, mustn't put
my feet up, nor tip my chair back,
nor wear loose shoes over my
corns, nor carry my favorite red
silk bandana, nor open my mouth
in company, for fear of mistakes.
You know it's natural for me to pun
as il is for champagne cork to
pop, and yet | mustn't pun. | can
not even snore IN the seclusion of
my own bedroom, for Mrs. Rasher
says it's not genteel. When we
were young married people, she
used to say she rather liked to hear
me snore; 1t soothed her; was as
good as a pianny to put her to
sleep. PLAINLY alas, she don't
compare me to pianny any longer.
/ wouldn't like to tell what she does
compare me TO. Enough to hint
that it's to a certain animal to
which we are largely indebted for
benefits received. There's a large
per cent, of gentility in Mrs. r.,
though / didn't suspect it when
invested my domestic happiness in
the bonds of wedlcck. Marriage
is speculation, my friends, full as
hazardous as the most; the stock
may increase while the interest runs
down to nothing. and the only di-
vidend to he made after a number
of years may be separate establish
ments. I shouldn't wonder il il
come to that yet. Melancholy but
inevitable John, open another
half dozen.
II should be obliged to apply
for divorce, the only plea / shall
put 10 will -barbarous and cruel
gentility. She is killing me with it,
I'm dying by inches Don't you
sec I'm smaller than ever, and look
kind d shrunk up and frightened 2
You see, I dar'nt say "Marier, "
nor come near her, nor seem to be
acquainted with her, when she's in
company which is always, because
why why. because she's my wife
and It's a shocking offence 10 be
intimate with your own wife. You
can be as intimate as you like with
somebody else's. tell you, cant
get used 20 il; il don't come natural.
The worst thing ] ever did, was 20
give her little squeeze, at a party,
and asked her II she wouldn't dance
with me. You wouldn't wonder
I've looked smaller ever since, II
you could have seen how she With
cred me up then Now, whenever
J wish 70 speak to her in company,
! always get some stranger to intro