davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-02-14

Copyright by Mcclure, Phillips & Coz
4 ONG ago, when young Luke Dart,
H. the Boot Bay trader, was ambi
tious for shore patronage, he said to
Solomon Stride, OF Ragged Harbor,
punt fisherman:
Solomon, by, an you be willin', I'll
trust you with Irvine for a cod-trap.
An you trade with me, by, I'll trade
with you, come good times or bad"
Solomon was young and lusty,
mighty youth in bone and seasoned
muscle, Iunged like blast furnace,
courageous and finely sanguine. Said
he:
AN you trust me with Irvine for a
trap, skipper, I'll deal fair by you,
come good times or bad. I'll pay for
I'm, skipper, with the first fish 1
cotches."
Said Luke Dart: when I trust, by,
trust. You pays for un when you
can"
1t was compact, so, at the end Of
the season, Solomon builded a cottage
under the Man-o'-War, Broad Cove
way, and married maid of the place.
In five months of that winter he made
the trap, every net of it, leader and all,
with his own hands, that he might
know that the work was good to the
last knot and splice. In the spring he
put up the stage and the flake and
made the skiff; which done, he waited
for a sign of fish. When the tempered
days came he hung the net on the
horse, where it could be seen from the
threshold of the cottage. In the even
ings he sat with Priscilla on the
bench at the door and dreamed great
dreams, while the red sun went down
of the wilderness.
Woman, dear" said this young Sol
ONION Stride, with a slap of his great
thigh. twill be a gram season for fish
this year"
Sure, by" said Priscilla, tenderly;
twill be gran season for fish"
"Ay,' Solomon sighed, twill that
this year"
""Tis handy t. three hundred an
fifty dollars L owes Luke Dart for the
twine," unused Solomon.
lis not much" said Priscilla,
smiling, when you has a trap"
"Usll pay I'm all up this year." said
Solomon.
"sure!" said she, echoing his conf
dence.
"UsH pay un for a trap, dear"
chuckled Solomon, "an' have enough
left over t. buy "a"
ooh" she cried with an ecstatic
gasp, "a SEWN machane!"
'Iss!" he roared. Sure, grill"
But in the beginning of that season,
when the first fish ran in for the caplin
and the nets were set out, the ice
was still hanging off shore, drifting
vagrantly with the wind; and there
came gale in the night, springing
from the northeast-a great, vicious
wind, which gathered the ice in a
pack and drove it swiftly in upon the
land.
Solomon dragged the trap from the
bottom. Great holes were bruised i'll
the nets, head rope and span line We're
ground to pulp, the anchors were lost.
Thlrty-seVen days and nights it took
to make the nets whole again, and in
that time the great spring run of cod
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-02-14

forget that in course of time I must
die and cease to be a humorist."
He heaved a sigh and went on. "Of
course the life of a humorist is one
glad, mad frollc and rollick beneath
his mask of sadness. His one idea is
how to get the most fun out of exist
ence, and despite the fact that he looks
sad from the cause just mentioned, he
is inwardly bubbling over with joy
from the time he opens his eyes until
he closes them in sleep.
when he arises in the morning he
jumps out of bed with glad cry and a
handspring and merry jest which the
angel Of sleep gave him in the night
and Of which he must deliver himself.
In his pajanlas-if he is a modern, 9TH
erwise in his tapping nightshirt-he
steps to the bookshelf and eagerly
seizes on a book of humor penned by a
brother in the craft. Loud and long Is
the laughter it evokes, and his children
come f1ocking from every room in the
house to hear the joke and laugh with
him.
''At breakfast he never opens his
mouth except to crack jokes, and his
children laugh so immoderately at them
that they eat practically nothing, and
thus the butchers bill is kept down.
IF he says nothing serious to any
one so also no one says anything seri-
Gus to him. He Is the cause Of Jokes
from men whom no one would suspect
OF sense Of hunor, and his progress
is punctured by ripples Of laughter.
That is a mixed metaphor and nothing
is so dear to the heart of a humorist
as carefully mixed metaphor. Just
as the worse a pun is the better it is. SO
the more you mix a metaphor the bet
ter the flavor, it being like a salad in
that.
But to return. 1t is all his pastor
can do to avoid joking in his pulpit
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-02-14

when he is in the congregation, and to
save his pastors feelings he stays away
from church. If he is introduced to a
stranger who knows of him by reputa-
ton the strangers features relax into
an expectant smile and, say what the
humorist may, the laugh is there to
greet it. He is funny; therefore he is
funny. But should the stranger not
know his reputation he may crack his
merriest jokes without danger of evok-
ing a smile. In this world labels are
necessary, and regulations are labels
that are pasted on a man to save the
rest of the world from too much
thought"
Hal" said the Average Man, think
ing it was up to him to do something.
Thanks" said the humorist. ITO
continue: He may like pictures, and
asks an artist friend to send him a
ticket on the opening day of an exhibit
ton. Rest assured that he will not be
allowed to fatter himself that he likes
beautiful pictures; that his eye is raw
ished by the counterfeit presentment Of
landscape. No, indeed! His artist
friend will hunt for humorous picture
and will take him to it and say, That's
WhatH hit you! Now say something
funny about it.
"Oh, how he has to enjoy that funny
picture! He comes back to it, accom-
panied by his artist friend, and makes
new joke about 1t each time and
laughs until his lungs are entirely ex-
hausted Of air, and then he steals a
glance at a bit Of wizardry in marine
painting, but his vigilant friend says:
Here, you won't care for that. 1 think
there's another funny picture in the
next room. So they go into the next
room, and he has to shake his sides
with laughter at a humorous bit OF
genre painting and make new Jokes
about it which double up those who
know he is humorist. The others re-
main single.
Should he take a walk by himself in
the woods his constant desire is to find
something humorous in the hang Of a
limb. or the shape Of a cloud, or some
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-02-14
BY
NORMAN DUNCAN.

said. hoarsely. Maybe. skipper" he
went on, with a little laugh "she do
be the ship for souls. They be many
things strong men knows nothin' about.
What think you?"
"Ay-maybe; maybe she be"
"Maybe-maybe-she do be invisible
mortal eyes. Maybe, skipper, you
hasn't seed her; maybe it's that my
eyes do be opened t such sights. May
be she-ve turned in-for me-"
The men turned their faces to the
window again, and gazed long and in
tently at the sea, which a storm cloud
had turned black. Skipper Luke"
said Solomon, with a smile as of one
In an enviable situation, "tis fine t
have nothin' agfn you on the books
when you comes t die"
sure. by" said Luke, hesitating not
at all, though he knew to a cent what
was on the books against Solomon's
name, its fine t. be free O. debt"
All, said Solomon, the smile broad
ening gloriously, "'tis fine, 1 tells you.
Twas the three hundred quintaI I
cotched last season that paid I'm all
up. Twas gran cotch-last year
fish,"
'Iss-you be free O. debt now. by"
What be the balance t my credit.
skipper? Sure I forget"
"Hem-m,' the skipper coughed
pausing to form guess which might
be within Solomon's dream; then he
ventured: Fifty dollars?"
'Iss," said Solomon, fifty an moare.
skipper. Sure, you has forgot the
80 cents"
'Fifty-eig said the skipper posi-
lively. "'Tis that. l call un t. mind
now. IT'S fifty eight-iss, sure. Did
you get receipt for un, Solomon"
II doan't mind me now"
"Um-m -nl-well," said the skipper,
'TIl send un t. the woman the night
an order on the Lucky Star"
.,F1fty-eight for the woman!" said
Solomon. Twill kape her off the
gov'ment for three years. an she be
savin'. 'Tis fine-that!"
When the skipper had gone, Priscilla
crept in and sat at the head of the bed.
holding SolOmon's hand; and they were
silent Tor long time, while the even
ing approached.
Il be goain' t die the night, dear"
said Solomon at last
"Iss, by" she answered; you be
goain' t die?"
"Tis not hard" said Solomon.
h-h-h," he whispered, as though
about to impart a secret. THE ship
that's hangin' off shoare, waitin' for
me soul, do be a fine craft-with shin
In canvas an ropes. Sh-h! She do be
tother side O. Mad Null now-wait-
in"
Priscilla trembled, for Solomon had
come to the time of visions-when the
words of the dying are the words of
prophets, and contain revelations.
What Of the offerings of the seven
thunders?
Sure the Lard he've blessed us.
Priscilla" said Solomon, rational
again. Goodness an marcy has fol-
lowed us all the days o. our lives. Our
cup runneth over"
Praise the Lard" said Priscilla.
Sure" Solomon went on, smiling
like little child, we've had but eleven
famines, an we've had the means o.
grace pretty regular which is what they
hasn't t Round 'Arbor. We've had one
little baby for a little while. ISIS
one de-ear little baby, Priscilla; an
there's them that's had none o. their
own at all. Sure we've had enough t
eat when they wasn't a famine-an'
bakin' powder, an raisins, an all they
things, an sugar, an rale good tea.
An you had merinO dress, an had
suit O. rale tweed-come straight
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-02-14

BY Charles BatteIl Loomis, Author of
Cheerful Americans" Etc.
THE other night had been reading
a compilation of wit and humor,
and the names of John Phoenix, Arte-
mus Ward, Josh Billings, Bill Nye and
many others were dancing before my
eyes, so hard had read and so long.
And. my chair being easy and the
hour being late, I closed my eyes and
thought pleasant thoughts of the many
men who in times past have ightened
the burdens of Woodworking Ameri-
cans.
Then suddenly became conscious of
the fact that I could see through my
closed lids, and there stood two men
before me. One was plainly the Av-
erage Man, but the other seemed like
a composite of all the humorists I had
been reading. He was rather above
the medium height, his eyes were bril-
liant and deep sunken, his eyebrows
shaggy, his nose aquiline and long, his
lips full and mobile. but his expression
was exceedingly sad.
who are you?" said the Average
Man, and the other, answering, said:
81 am the Typical Humorist, and I
have sought you out to tell you what
my days are like. L know that if I
stand here long enough you will say,
How does it feel to be funny?' and so
am going to save your question"
!, in my comfortable chair, could not
conceal my joy. but I knew enough to
keep my eyes shut I have lost many
pleasant fancy through opening my
eyes too soon.
Tell me why you look so sad" said
the Average Man.
Il knew you'd ask that" said the HUI
morist. Il look sad because 1 never
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-02-14
Repetition,

There was a time when animal wor-
ship prevailed in civilization"
We'll" answered the man who reads
everything that is published. Judging
from the dog and elephant stories
turned out by popular writers, I should
say we were getting around to it
again" Washington Star
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-02-14
Points of View.

How does 1t seem to be a great
man% asked the mildly facetiOus friend
It's confusing" answered the new
member Of congress. Some people
regard you as a marvel Of intelligence
and the rest simply keep saying:
Wasn't he lucky! "-Washington Star.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-02-14
And Doko Did.

Senator Tillman tells a story of Dolxo.
a little town in South Carolina, with just
about enough people to fill a small school
mousse. At the beginning of the Civil war
cesslon and held mass meeting at which
these resolutions were passed:
RESOLVED, first, that South Carolina
should secede.
Resolved. second. that II South Caro-
lima don't. damned If Doko New
York World.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-02-14

thing eccentric in the workshop of
Dame Flora"
oh, please, Mr.. Humorist, say some
th1ng funny" said the Average Man.
leaned forward to hear the jest, and
through force Of habit opened my eyes
ana found myself quite alone in the
room. And. yawning prodigiousIy, 1
went to bed.
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30
FASHIONABLE FALLS.
TDesh Feminine Flnery in Vogue Among the DevOtees of
 DPess.

Four buckles are the latest, says the Brooklyn Life.
 Ostrich tips show a pointed tip of jet sr metal attached to the quill.
 \ mixture of colors prevails in mil. dnery. bright cerise and violet among others.
 A touch of tangerine or flame colos forms an admirable addition to coat of moleskin or seal.
 Noleskin composed the buckle that caught the drapery on white beaves toQue recently exhibited.
 Ombre effects are popular in milli- nsry. This is especially the case with sstrich feathers, which are dyed in whole gamut of tints.
 Orange and green chenille ornament and fringe distinguished one short SasQued coat of the finest breitschwanz brought out this season.
 For wear with the high-heeled shoes that arc now the vogue, a special style t rubber sandal with elongated strap at the back has been introduced.
 Many of the fur coats have simulated xaistcoats of pomegranate embroidered velvet, and touch of this embroidery is introduced on the hat or toQue.
 Applications of painted velvet, tho >rettiest designs representing wreatha and bouquets of crimson roses, are the latAss adjunct to black crepe de chine r0Wn.
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30
ONE-WAY RATES.

Every day from September 18th to October 18th, 1904, inclu- sive, the Union Pacific will sell one-way tickets from Missouri River Terminals (Council Bluffs to Kansas City, inclusive as follows
 s20.0O to Ogden and Salt Lake City.
 S20.00 to Helena and Butte, Montana.
 S22.50 to Spokane and Wen atchee, Washington.
 $22.50 to Huntington and Nampa, Idaho.
 S25.00 to Portland, Tacoma and Seattle.
 S25.00 to Vancouver and Vic toria.
 S25.OO to Ashland and Astoria, Oregon, via Portland.
 $25.00 to San Francisco, Los Angeles and San Diego.
 Correspondingly low rates to many other California, Oregon, Washington, Montana, Utah, and Idaho points.
 Through Tourist cars run every day on Union Pacific between Missouri River and Pacific Coast: double berth S5.75 For full in- formation call on or address,
 J. H. LOTHRoP,
 903 Olive St., St. Louis, Mo. 18tilOct. 10.
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30
Every Throb
Of My Heart Was Plainly Felt, and Sometimes Very
 Painful.

If your pulse is too strong. and your heart throbs so that you can feel tho force of the heartbeat against your chest, your heart is weak and needs at- tention.
 This is usually caused by long contin- ued palpitation, over-work. excessive exercise, heart strain, and the condition indicates serious heart trouble. You should act at once.
 The very best thing to do Is to take Dr. Miles New Heart Cure. 6 remedy that will strengthen the nerves and muscles of the heart, and restore them to their normal condition.
 If you neglect to do this, disastrous consequences will surely follow. You will have smothering spells, pain in the heart, faintness, the valves of the heart will become leaky, and the heart left in a death struggle.
 My heart bothered me so that I could feel every pulsation. Could only sleep on my left side. Doctors told me that I had one-flfth enlargement of the heart. I had all the usual symptoms of heart trouble. 1 took about 15 or 20 bottles of Dr. Miles Heart Cure and am completely cured. I have had no symp- tom of heart disease for two years, and am attending to my business affairs, which I could not do before
 E. c. GATLIN. Manufacturer, Blue Mound, Kan.
 If first bottle does not benefit. your money back.
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30
MODERN DKAwINGRO0MS.
and True Artistic Sense in the Home.

How different Is the drawing-focm Aow from that of generation ago sven of half generationl Writers in Ae women's newspapers in England are commenting on the fact with keen ap- Dreciation of the change, and in this country 1t is even more in evidence than Aeross the seq, says the New York Sun.
 The wax fruits. the woolen an- un4acassars of the lest generation DAsseG away with the stuffed birds and the wealth of artificial orange blossoms snder glass cases long ago. The pres snt generation has almost forgotten them.
 IL does remember better the chenille honkeys that used to climb over the Das fixtures on the walls, the yards upon tArds of art muslin that used to be turned ever ohakss and flower pots. and ahe sofas thGt eaa2e in when the horse hair period expired. And 1t regrets them and the array of Japanese plates n the wall even less.
 That period of ecoentricity in decorar kon has passed.
 'The modern drawing-room," said . nan interested in the development of domestic art the other day, 'is, under preper auspices, now a picture of re- tned simplicity, an epitome of art and . real haven of rest.
 ''The furnishers and decorators have snMbined with housewives of more de. vsloped tastes and better ideas than tAeir predecessors to make 1t so. They have borrowed from the past all the best Ideas it had, and they have added uem to the conveniences of the present
 ''Take the taste in wall coverings Crudely colored, gaudy papers. display. ing impossible flowers and grotesque semi-conventional designs, have been abandoned in favor of self-colored pa- pers, striped ones showing variants ot oae color, siiken hangings, tapestries and stenciled sachcloth arranged iS pan. ds after the old method.
 "Then the carpets. Where beautiful rugs, the highest development of the weAver's art, have not replaced them we have velvet pile, with border repeating the main color in many tones.
 "And for chair coverings we have kept the old-world chintz, redolent of an age when women wore white, lavender or cinnamon, pale blue and simple pink, and dressed their hair in ringlets.
 Taking the drawing-room as indi- eating the artistic sense of the period, surely we have every reason td be proud of the progress of art in the home"
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30
Oyster Narebit.

scald enc cepful of oysters in their swn liHor; remove and cut of the mus. Sie, save the liquor; put two tablespoon. tals of butter in the frying pan or ehafng dish; when melted, add half | pound of grated cheese, salt and cay sune to season; beat two eggs, add the oyster liquor, then add this to the cheess mixture. add oysters and serve or toast ~p~cpla's Home Journal
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30
NofhfnR Ruf Envy.

Chicago insists that typhoid germa sannot live during the 25o-mile trip co St. Louis in the drainage canal. but se know. remarks the St Louis Re public, that any germ native of the Windy City is sufficiently lusty to swim the Atlantic ocean. land in Eu- rope and organize a germ trust which would greatly increase the toreigp typhoid fever businesA
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30
Crumb Pie.

For a quick pic, quick in baking as well As in making. this is prize. It is also yell liked among our children. Line pae tin with good crust, fill half full Ca Sood big pint) of nice bread, cracker or Aks crumbs. grate nutmeg over, then 0U with SWs~tened cream. It Is good hot or cold, fresh or old. When cake crumbs sre used, the cream need not be sweet. suAd.-Orange Judd Farmer.
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30

TDTT1 Write to us for Free Trial j. hEaG Package of pr. Miles Anti Pain Pills. the New Scientific Remedy for Pain. Also Symptom Blank. Our Specialist will diagnose your case, tel Free. DR. MILES MEDICAL CO., LABORATORIES. ELKI1ART. IND.
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30
The Pekfn Palace Fire.

Pekin, April 21.-The loss by the de destruction of the winter palace, by fire, in which Gen. Schwartzkoff los. his life, is estimated at 100000 taela Count von Waidersee lost everything including bis papers and clothing.
Newport daily independent., 1904-09-30

DRY GOODS. 12g and 15c Flannelettes, light and dark shades all new l0c patterns, at....................l ! VN 7ac Flannelettes,, Dc Canton Flannels. ......-6c to 1Oc All Calico. ,,.-..5c Good IL Brown Domestic. 5c Hope Domestic. .,...,,.---... -7c Bleached Domestic. tic..............5c 5c Cotton Checks ...5c
 We have a nice line of fine Dress Goods, the latest styles and shades.
 as in. s;Seh s;ix 7a4sta 9OC| 36 in. Black Taffeta C1 All| Silk, guaranteed D 1eVV]
The Vinita weekly chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Indian Territory [Okla.]) 1902-1905, 1904-05-26
Rural Free Delivery.
Puck.

Mr. Joseph L. Bristow, fourth assistant postmaster
general has been riding with the carriers some Of
the rural delivery routes in Missouri There are now
about 1900 routes in this state l0O In Kansas and over
20e in Oklahoma The total number In the United States
exceeds 1900 AS the system is comparatively new In
this country important questions frequently sub
mitted Mr. Brsow he is famiiarizing himself with
the practical details He says he has been struck in Mis-
souri, by the large mail including many newspapers de-
lyered along the country roads He is impressed with
the number Of letters written and received by farmers
and their families Road conditions closely observed
on the Journey. The good roads movement and rural
free delivery are intimately related New delivery routes
are more widely asked In the west than in any other part
OF the country and Mr. Brlsow is taking notes on how
much work a carrier performs and how long II takes
Rural free delivery has developed with remarkable
rapdity II is big expense and will add considerably
to postal deficits during the next few years. But the
benefits are immense II brings city and farm closer to-
gether and tends to modify the rush toward the towns
IL increases the comforts and pleasures Of life In rural
homes and raises the standard Of general information
IL adds to opportunity and labor Gong for the
mai required a large expenditure OF time. That item
is saved Rural free delivery is old convenience In the
most advanced sections of Europe, aud las long been
viewed there as one OF the absolute essentials II max
ing swift headway IN this country because IL more than
realizes the highest expectations Mr. Brstow has chosen
the right way 10 find out its merits and needs Globe
Democrat.
The Vinita weekly chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Indian Territory [Okla.]) 1902-1905, 1904-05-26
Scissoreo ano Otherwise
Smashing of Machines.

There is considerable machine smashing going
the country just now, and party IS immune from the
evident intention of voting 70 readas conditions
in localities where reform necessary Kansas Ms.
souri, and Illinois have just furnished examples Of the
disposition prevailing among the people 70 make politics
mean more than the perpetuation Of certain individuals
IN power while there has been sufficient dsquet maui
tested In other states 70 cause machine politicians much
uneasiness
The safety Of the American republic rests upon the
diffusion Of It's governing power So far as the demo
cratic party concerned II has been built upon the op
position 10 centralized power Of any kind the worst
riey Of whic Is the Capitalization 0f government IN
political machine Reduced 10 its ultimate conclusion
the pursuance Of system Of machine politics would IN
the end result IN the worst kind Of autocracy beside
which the Russian system appears a experiment
Machine politics stands for no principle whatever II
represents organization for spoIs Of oee With Ell
questions OF governmental policy reegated % secondary
position 10 IS absolutely contradictory 70 form Of
government, inaSmuch Il reduces the individual unit
TO nonstty and makesa moekery Of popular elections
Among the people there wIll be sorrow over ths
downfall Of The machine II politics for there IS 10 lops