The Birmingham age-herald., 1904-11-13

Well, sir," said MT Dooley, it must be gran thing to be a colledge pro fssor."
 Not much to do" said MT. Hen messy.
 But a great deal to say" said MT. Dooley. "Iyry day tn minyit l pick up me pa-aper aether I've read tn crimi- nal an pollytickal news, tn spoortin' news, tn rale estate advertisemints, tn invytation firm tn cultured foreign gent to meet an American lay iv some means, object a matther iv more money, tn spoortin' news over again, | thin tn invytation firm tn cultured 1 foreign gent to meet an American lady iv some means, object matther iv more money, tn spoortin' news over again, thin tn iditoryals, I hasten to find out what tn eolledge pro-fissor had to gay yesterdah I wisht tn ed itor wud put it in tn same column iy tn pa-aper ivry day. Thin he wud- dent have to collect amy other funny column Humorous. Profissor Wind-
  tack on Abraham Lincoln. As it is, sometimes have to hunt through tn pa-aper firm tn Newport scandal on page wan to tn religious notes on page two hundred an four befure come acrost me fav-rite funny sayin's iv funny fellows.
 i've been collictin' these wurruds iv wisdom fir long time, Hinnissy, an I'm now prepared to deliver ye a sample eolledge lecture on all sub ticks firm tn creation iv tn wurruld Young gintlemen: l will begin be sayin' that I have me doubts about tn varyous stories consarnin' tn crea- tion iv tn wurruld. In tn first place, 1 dismiss with loud laugh tn theery | that it was created in six days. cud make such poor wurruld as this in two days with scroll saw Akellg 1 preposterous is tn idee that it wasn't made at all but grew up iv nawthin'. Me idee is that tn wurruld is chunk iv tn sun that was clipped off be collisyon with tn moon, cooled down an advertised fir roomers. As to it's age, differ with tn Bible. Me own opinyon iy tn age iv tn arth is that it is about tvinty-eight years old. Ina is as far as 1 go back.
 'Spealdn' iv tn Bible, it is an in- threstin' wurrul1 but tn English is poor. I advise all iy ye not to injure ye'er style be readin' tn prisint edi- tions, but if ye want rale good Eng fish, ye will read tn Bible thranslated into Hoosier di'lect be Profissir Lum- sum Jiggs iy tn Uniyarsity iv Barry's Corner, wan iv our gr'reatest ilthra- choors, whose loss to tn soda wather business was a gloryous gain to relli- jon an letthers. If ye want to make comparison to show ye how lithra- choor has improved, compare tn wur- ruks iv Homer an Jiggs. Honem nod | ed. He niver nodded to me but he nodded. But has Jiggs nodded? Niyer ; He hasn't time. He is on his four | thousandth book now an has larned | to wurruks have not been poplar among tn vulgar. An he might have amounted to something if he had been iijacated but his language is base an he has no imagination. guess that will hold Bill fir awhile. l Tn gr-reat6st potes tn wurruld has prcjooeed are Rarsom Stiggs an J. B. Mulcoon iv Keokuk Tn Keokuk | school iv pothry has all others badly stung. J. B.. Mucoon has discovered more rhymes fir dear thin Al Tinny- son iyer heerd iv.
 "'Me opinyon iv pollyticks if ye shud ask me fir it is that we might as well give up tn experiment.. A gov ernmint founded be an ol' farmer like George Wash 'nton an a job printer like Ben Franklin was bound to go 1 down in room. It has abandoned all their ideels, which was a good thing, an made worse vans. Look at Lin coin. There's a fellow ivrybody is all ways crackin up. But what did he amount to? What did he do but carry on war, free tn saves an run this mis' 'rable counthry? But who asked him to free tn slaves? I didn't A man utterly lackin in principle an sinse iy honor, he led a mob an was con- throlled be it. An who ar-re tn mob that direct this counthry? A lot iv coarse, rough people who ar-re sawin' up lumber an picklin pork an who niver had thought iv tn Higher Life that makes men aspire to betther things an indijestion. They ar-re ye'er fathers an mine, young gintle- men. Can l say worse thin that? An to think iv tn likes iv thim runnin' this goyermint! By jove, if had ray | numbered las Thoosdah that it was iliction day, Fl have larned firm me milkman how to vote an gone down to tn polls an dhriven thim firm 1 power Well, there's wan consolation about it all, tn counthry won't last long I noticed tn other day it had begun to crack. Whin 1t sinks. yeers tnruly will be near tn edge ready to jump off. Annyhow, it don't matther much. Tn American people ar-re all | gettin' to be Indyans again. Walkin' down to-day I obsarved thinty-two peo- pic who looked to mo like Indyans. Mex week 1 intind to verify me con clCsyons be buyin' picture iv an In- dyan. But Pm intirely convinced that in three or four years at last, we'll all be Twin in wickey-ups an scalpin' each other. With these few remarks. le- us inquirers fir knowledge go out an commit suicide on tn fut-ball field. Ruh-ruh-rul-ruh-ruhl Bazzybazco. 1 Tuftsl l T like it, Hinnissy. What I like nost about it is that a colledge nro- nssor niyer speaks firm impulse. He thinks ivrything out thurly befure an. nouncin' his cpinyon. Tn theery iv