The San Francisco call., 1904-09-04
ole
AK IN
POLITICS
Fables for the Foolish

common throughout the country. in
towns of less than one thousand in
habitants. Under the latter arrange
ment, the man wins who smokes the
worst cigars and has the greatest con-
tempt for a college education
The above generalizations have been
made for the purpose of outlining the
political situation in the United States
for the benefit of our foreign friends.
who have been compelled TO depend,
hitherto, on the meager Information
and unsOund conclusions Of such casual
observers as Bryce, De TOcqueville and
the editor of the London Saturday Re
view. Since we have clarified the at
mosphere in this comprehensive man
ner there can no longer be any excuse
for foreign ignorance of the nature.
origin and general tendency Of our po-
Iitical institutions. Now that we have
completed our list of generalizatiOns
we shall turn around and show how
that strenuous young reformer, Mr.
Jerome ]. Joke, gave the lie direct TO
all our time honored principles of gov
eminent without giving a cent to the
governed. 1t is necessary to do this
in order to show how truly scientific
we are.
Instead of launching himself into
the political maelstrom by acquiring
a half-interest in thirst dispeller or
having his neck measured to see If it
came within the general requirements
or doing any of the other things which
we have declared are absolutely and
indispensably necessary to political
success in the various parts Of this
(world's) fair lands of ours. Mr.. Joke
proceeded to tell the people what he
thought about the methods Of the men
who had been entrusted with the af-
fairs and most of the emoluments Of
government in the particular part OF
the country that was blessed with his
presence. According to his way OF
thinking a saloon keeper, instead Of
being a proper gentleman to take
charge of a primary or TO make up
the slate for county convention, was
only about three shades better than
a common criminal, and sometimes
not even that. On the subject Of necks
and collars he expressed himself with
great force and freedom. The only
thing proper for a neck that would
submit itself to the party tape meas
ure was an ak. applied Immediately
and emphatically. Naturally this
kind of talk was scarcely calculated
to soothe the feelings Of the men who
made a living by holding Office and
vigorously abstaining from hard work
insall its forms.
This is a common trick Of the pro-
fessional politicians. When man be-
gins to air his voice and tell the cir
cumambient atmosphere how honest 1
he is and what rascals the other men
are, the proper play is TO elect him to
some Office. After he has been in a
month or two he usually has just as
much reason for keeping quiet as the
other fellows have. 1t was expected
that this is what would happen to Mr..
Joke, but he was wiser than they
thought. No sooner had his office be-
come fairly settled than he set out on
the trail OF the gentlemen who had
been shaking dice for the city revenues
and matching pennies for the rake
off from the next streetcar franchise.
No one really believed that he meant
it, but while the grafters were sitting
around waiting for the right time to
laugh he sprung a basxetful of in
dictments on them. Then there was a
grand rush for railroad time tables
and information about hotel rates in
Mexico and the Board Of Aldermen
was forced to suspend it's sittings be-
cause Of inability to get a quorum to-
gether without a search warrant and
extradition papers.
When it was alas too late the poll
ticians realized that they were up
against a new game and that there
are more ways Of breaking into Office
than they had contemplated when
they made up the political dope sheet.
The people who had boosted Mr.. Joke
into Office realized that whatever his
name might be he was the real thing
and that the laugh was on the fellows
who were making tracks for the boz
der. Although II was too late to b.
of any particular use to them save in
the way OF curious and interesting in
formation the politicians had discov-
cred that the man who breaks down
the front door with an ak often has
as good a chance Of getting in as the
chap who opens the back door with
a Jimmy