The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1904-03-10

5uCu O ouu AOCOoooly W. JIG COuSum-
nation of his philanthropic enterprise,
he appeals to us to tap q fresh barrel
of filthy lucre-knowing full we'll that
such an appeal always effects us mil
to such degree as to cause our
lachrymal glands to work overtime,
and to liquefy our obdurate heart till
there flow from them streams of gold
speaking, you understand.
But when man or a millionaire is
asked, and consents, to cough mp $780,
100000, it must strike every fairminded
person as eminently just, and strictly
in accordance with the rules governing
such heart to heart transactions, that
the cougher-up, before he adjusts his |
complicated coughing apparatus, should
be allowed to dictate the terms under
which such vast sum should be ex-
pended. We millionaires more than
any other class of people are anxious
to rid the country of hoboes. And
with reason, too: for as long as the no.
bo roams at large, begging handouts,
and swiping gumps and other things
that roost within his reach, the people
will exclaim against the existing order
of things, and clamor for socialism, or
any other old ism that promises to do
away with the two extremes of our
present day civilization, the millionaire
and the tramp. Therefore, self-pressr-
vation prompts us to adopt this motto:
Get rid of the tramps.
Adds hint was timely. and struck a
responsive chord under cur sternum,
or thereabouts. If he will agree to re-
move himself and all those infected
with hoboism, and all in whom hobois-
tic tendencies may hereafter manifest
themselves, to the North Pole, not only
we millionaires, but all the people
except the hoboes-will lift up their
voices and call him blessed. And with,
say, five or six shiploads of barreled
moonshine to light the way for them,
it should be an easy task to reach the
Pole. But there is just one difficulty.
Tramps being averse to labor, how will
Add manage to carry his stores to the
Pole? Will not his army refuse to
bulge as long as there is moonshine in
sight? And will not the hoboites
yearn for the fieshpots and pie factor
les of Egypt when the provisions are
gone? Let US pause. Let us reflect.
He who hesitates is not always damned,
nor are our doubts always traitors.
We hesitate because $2O,OOO,OO0 is rath-
er too large sum to waste. Mind you,
we do not wish to be understood as
meaning that it is not worth $20,OO0,O0O
of our money to rid the country of
tramps-and Abd-but we wish to state
here and now, and in terms free from
ambiguity, that no money of ours will
be forthcoming, now or at any time in
the future, for the purpose above dis
cussed, or any other purpose whatso-
ever, unless we feel morally certain we
are not promoting mere experiment.
We do not belong to that class of pro-
moters. We promote only such enter
prises as will either rebound to our
honor, or add to our pile. We go in for
sure things. That's the kind of a pro.
moter we are.
If Add feels in his bosom, or in his
bump of love of appreciation, an over.
mastering desire to be the Moses of AT
;. exodus of tramps, let him abandon his
idea of leading his people to the North
Pole, and let him contemplate the
} beauties of the various scenic routes
that lead to Sheol There are many
{ roads that lead to Sheol-well paved
, roads at that-paved with resilient
, blocks of divers kinds of resolutions
We humbly suggest that he take the
} moonshine route, since he seems con
: vinced his chosen people delight ir
moonshine. Or if he likes it better, we
: will furnish Add and his people fret
transportation to the crater Of Cotopaxi
: from which point they can take tht
8 short line to Sheol. If Add so desires
: we will gladly provide him with car
4 load of letters of recommendation
r to his Satanic Majesty, the Crane
t Mogul of Sheol, who will, at on
Q request, give Add and his fellow
: travellers warm reception. Afte
q they have been properly initiated the.
o can take things easy. The only thinI
3 required of them will be to keep COO