The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-11-18
BY F. p. Dunno.

LpS q WI
Wei, sir" said Mr.. DoOley. lit
must be a gran thing to be q colledge
professor
Not much to do" said Mr.. Hen
messy.
But a gr-reat deal TO say" said Mr..
Dooley. "Ivry day tn minyit 1 pick up
me pa-aper afther I've read tn crimi-
nal an other poilytickal news. tn
spoortin' news, tn rale estate adver-
tismints, tn invitation firm tn cultur-
| ed foreign gent to meet ar American
lady iv some means, object a matther
iv more money, tn spoortin' news over
again. thin tn iditoryals. 1 hasten TO
find out what tn colledge professor
had to say yesterdah. 1 wisht tn idf-
tor Ivrd put 1t in tn same column iv
tn pa-aper ivry day. Thin he wud-
dent nave to collect amy other funny
column. Humorous: Professor Wind
tack on Abraham Lincoln As it is, 1
sometimes have to hunt through tn
pa-aper firm tn Newport scandal on
page wan to tn religious notes on
page two hundred an four befure I
come acrost me fav-rite funny sayin's
iv funny fellows.
I've been collictin' these wurruds iv
wisdom FIR a long time. Hinnissy, an
I'm now prepared to deliver We a sam
firm the creation iv tn wurrud; Young
gintlemen: I will begin be sayin' that
1 have me doubts about tn VARIOUS
stories consarnin' tn creation iv tn
wurruld. In tn first place, I dismiss
with a loud laugh tn theory tina it was
created in six days. 1 cud make such
a poor wurruld as this in two days
with a scroll saw. Akelly preposterous
is tn idee that it wasn't made at all
but grew up out iv nawthin'. Me idee
is that tn wurruld is a chunk iv tn
sun that was Clipped off be a COLLISION
with tn moon, cooled down an adver-
tised FIR AS to it's age, = dir
fer with tn Bible. Me own opinyon iv
tn g iv tn arth is that it is about
twinty-eight years old. That is as far
as 1 got back.
"tSpeakin' iy tn Bible, it is an in
threstin' wurruk but tn English is
poor. 1 advise all iv We not to injure
ye'er style be readin' tn prisint edl-
tions, but if We want rale good English,
I'VE will e tn Bible TRANSLATED into
Hoosier dilect be Professor Lumsum
| TipOS iu I'll, ITpiyo rc;t1r ~, Do-1,,. Gov
ner, wan iv our g~r-reatest ~lithrachoors,
whose loss to tn sody wather business
was a g%loryous gain to ~rellijon an let
theirs. If ye want to make a comparl-
son to show we how lithrachoor has
improved, compare tn wurruks iv Ho-
mer an Jiggs. Homer nodded. He
niver nodded to me but he nodded. But
has Jiggs nodded? Niver. He hasn',
time. He is on his -four thousandth
book now an has larned to wurruk a
| sicond Typewriter with his feet. Read
Jiggs an f'rget about Homer. AS FIR
Shakespeare, he is a dead wan. TIL
opinyon / have iv Shakespeare is so
low that 1 will not express it befure
ladies. I amt Sayin' that his wurruks
have not been poplar among tn vul-
| gar An he might have amounted to
| something if he lac been ijjacated but
| his language is base an ne had no i'm
agination. 1 guess hat will hold Bill
FIR awhile. TIL ~gr-reatest potes tn
wurruld has projooced are Ransom
Stiggs an J. B. Mulcoon iv Keokuk.
TIL Keokuk school iv pothry has all
. others badly stung. J. B. Mulcoon has
| discovered more rhymes FIR dear thin Al
Tinnyson yer heerd ".
Me opinyon iv pollyticks if We shud
ask me FIR it is that we might as we'll
give up tn experiment. a govern
mint founded be an OF farmer like
George Wash'nton an a job printer
like Ben Franklin was bound to go
down in room. 1t has abandoned all
their ideels, which was a good thing,
an made worse vans. Look at Lin
coin. There's a fellow ivrybody is al
ways crackin' up. But what did he
amount to? What did he do but carry
on a war, free tn slaves an run this
miserable country? But who asked
him to free tn slaves? I didn't. A
man utterly lackin' in principle an
sinse iv hunor, he led a mob an was
controlled be it. An who ar-re tn
mob that direct this country? A lot
iv coarse, rough people who ARE saw
IN up lumber an picklin' pork an who
niver had a thought iv tn Higher Life
that makes men aspire to betther
things an INDIGESTION. They ar-re ye'er
fathers an mine, young gintlemen.
Can / say worse thin that? An to
think iv tn likes iv thin runnin' this
govermint! BY Jove, if 1 had ray
Numbered las Choosdah that it was
Fiction day, I'd a learned firm me
milkman how to vote an gone down
TO tn polls an dhriven thin firm pow
er. Well, there's wan consolation about
il all: tn country won't last long. 1
noticed th'-other day it had begun to
crack. Whin it sinks, ye'ers thruly
will be near tn edge ready to jump
off. Annyhow, il don't matther much.