davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Irish standard., 1904-01-16
JEST AND STORY.

Our lives are fixed by accident;
We scurry here and there;
Things that we do with good intent
May vanish i'll thin air.
But one things certain in advance
The rule don't give an inch
That though life is a game OF chance
Yet marriage is cincll
Judge (sarcastically)-Did you ever
earn dollar in your life?
Nagrant-Oh yes. l voted for your
honor once.
81 wish you had broken the news
more gently" sighed the editor, as the
office boy pied the first page by drop
ping the form down flight of stairs.
II will carry out these good rcsolu-
tons" said the man earnestly, looking
at the long list he had just made out
and signed.
81 will carry them out-every one
OF tl,en-surc Resolutions to quit
smoking, quit drinking, quit lettering
quit scolding, quit grumbling, quit
going in debt-in fact, quit all my bad
habits. Yes, l will carry these reso-
lutions out"
Picking up the formidable list he
had just signed. the man gazed long
and earnestly upon it.
eyes, I'll carry them out, and II
start right now"
So saying he deposited the paper il
the empty coal scuttle and started fol
the coal house.
In case heard in Scottish cour
some time since, rural witness, after
relating how NIL, the defendant
came to him and struck him, proceed
ed:
$50, yer honor, I just up and giee
him one, too. Juist then his dog cam
alang, an hit him again."
Hit the dog?"
"No, yer honor; hit NIL. And Their
The Irish standard., 1904-01-16

"You may speak," said fond
mother, "about people having strength
OF mind, but when it comes to strength
OF don't mind, my son William sur
passes everybody ever knew"
The Irish standard., 1904-01-16

| dPd, WAotC lllS SWect SlIl, !
have become infatuated with calls
themes"
"Well, daughter" replied the Ole
man, 'if your hearts sot on him !
haven't word to say; but l always
did hope you'd marry an American, u
"You may speak," said a fond
mother, "about people having strength
OF mind, but when it comes to strength
OF don't mind, my son William sur
passes everybody ever knew"
II am very sorry, Victor, to think
you were such a glutton. Are you not
sorry yourself that you ate so much
turkey?"
eyes, mother, cause 1 hadn't any
other room left for the mince pie"
Automobilist-Say, where can 1 get
some repairs made? I've met with an
accident.
Farmer-What dye want "a ma
chine shop or hospital?
Mistress-Whatever have you done
with the cold meat, Jane?
Jane-Well mum, you told me as
how when the man from the "Hotten-
tot Blanket FUND.- called again l
should give him the cold shoulder. So
| just wrapped it up and give it him.
II understand your neighbours
daughter is taking lessons in the Gull
mary art?"
''The idea! She's nothing of the
sort She's only going to cooking
school!'
"Uncle Joe" Cannon usually wears
spectacles, but one day he put on eye
glasses. They bothered him and he
laid them on the Speakers stand.
Then he promptly forgot where they
were and banged them with his gavel,
smashing them into small pieces.
"Ttat was fine thing to d." said
Speaker Cannon to Asher Kinds, the
parliamentary expert.
"Out of sight," Kinds replied, with
out batting an eye.
Shc--And are you really so much
better since you returned from your
trip abroad?
Hc-Yes, indeed. I'm quite an
other man, assure you.
Shc-Well, I'm sure all your friends
will be delighted to hear it.
If Johnnie Jones has seven dogs,
And every dog is white;
And ID cats come chasing round
Each one as black as night;
And each two cats have 10 lives
Less three destroyed by rats
How many lives must three dogs take
Before they kill eight cats?
During the French Commune All
Irish priest was travelling to Belfast
when he was asked by an Orangeman
who occupied the same railway car
riage, if he had ever heard that in
Paris as often as priest was gull
lotined donkey was put to death at
the same time. He was equal to the
occasion, however, and replied in his
The Irish standard., 1904-01-16

Our lives are fixed by accident;
We scurry here and there;
Things that we do with good intent
May vanish in thin air.
The Irish standard., 1904-01-16

II am very sorry, Victor, to think
you were such glutton. Are you not
sorry yourself that you ate so much
turkey?"
eyes, mother, cause I hadn't any
other room left for the mince pie"
The Irish standard., 1904-01-16

81 wish you had broken the news
more gently, sighed the editor, as the
Office boy pied the first page by drop
ping the form down flight of stairs.
The Irish standard., 1904-01-16

Automobilist-Say, where can I get
some repairs made? I've met with an
accident.
Farmer-What dye want ma
chine shop or hospital?
The Irish standard., 1904-01-16

If Johnnie Jones has seven dogs,
And every dog is white;
And ID cats come chasing round
Each one as black as night;
And each two cats have IS lives
Less three destroyed by rats
How many lives must three dogs take
Before they kill eight cats?
The Irish standard., 1904-01-16

Observation-Disclosures have you done
with the cold meat, Jane?
Jane-Well, mum, you told me as
how when the man from the "Hotten-
tot Blanket Fund" called again l
should give him the cold shoulder. So
| just wrapped it up and give it him.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

to which exclusive privileges are
granted or secured by legislation
arein their very nature monopolies,
but none Of these we have specif-
cally mentioned arc in any way
protected by tariff duties. The
only manufacturing monopoly in
the supply of American markets
we have ever known to be proper
ly chargeabls to our tariff was the
Welsh tin-hlate monopoly, now
happily ended, which for decade
after decade absolutely controlled
the supply Of tinware to the people
of our country, and the prices at
which they were sold, but that was
a foreign monopoly and not Gre
alton of of our protective policy.
For years and years our tariff leg
islation fostered this foreign mo-
nopoly by means of low du,ies. 1t
was always defended by American
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

Your Uncle Marion Cockrell
came around here last Monday To
inform the Democrats of this coun-
ty that this year they could only
be good Democrats by supporting
the gold standard telegram candi-
date for President. A few Years
ago he was telling something about
the ''crime of 10 as the inextin-
guishable principle of true Demo-
cracy. Incidentally this sudden re-
troversion ofyour Uncle Marion has
something to do with the PROPOSE
tion of his getting back to the SEN
ate for another term. He left here
confident that nc had made solid
gold bugs out of the 1900 free sill
yer Democrats in this county.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

appropriation Of 1.50o, ,0oD for
pensions under this order. They
accepted all the other great appro-
prlat'on bills and complained only
because they were not larger.
They drew the line on the appro-
lriation for the old soldier. That
was the one extravaganza of The
Roosevelt Administration 1t was
also one of executive ursupation
which they specified. The Demo
Gratis of the North may be honest
in their profession of friendship
for the old soldier, but that party
is controlled by the Democrats of
the South, who are now, as they
always have been, opposed to pen
sions for the Union veterans. The
South will continne to control the
Democratic caucus in the House Of
Representatives, and dictate the
policy OF that party toward pen
sions, whatever the professions Of
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

p'ainel o. Ly them, IS that in nc.
half of the old soldiers. That or.
der n * two ey.,"i e +: s,r, cedent,
President CicveIand's Commission.
er OF Pensions, Judge l."ehran,
who was strict cons,ruc,io,ist,
interpreted the Pension Ac; OF
1890 as recognizing tota! di>:. biitv
at the age If - years. President
Mckinleys Comm;sson,r "f Pen
sions, Mr.. Evans, tlItlrr i;4ter-
preted that act rs recognizing half
disability at the age of - years.
There was no fault found with
these rulings.
The Democrats used the ruling
OF Commissioner Lochran rs proof
of Democratic friendship for the
old soldier. The order of Presi-
dent Hoosevelt's Commissioners of
Pensions, Nr. Ware, is in line
with the precedents established by
Cleveland and Mckinley. but it
goes further in The direction which
the old soldiers have claimed it JUS
tifiahle and was intended by Con
grc>s in the passage Of that Act.
| is also in line with the Act cf
Congress providing that officer Of
the regular Army may retire at
the age OF SO, and are compelled
to retire at the AGE of s4.
The present Administration has
fixed the age of total disability at
% years, of half disability ut 50
years, and has provided a oradu-
ating scale between these two cv-
tremeS. If the Democrats favor
liberal pensions, why do they de- |
nounce rs executive usurpation an
order in line with the precedent al !
ready established by Il Democratic |
President and Republican presi
dentf If Democrats are in favor !
of Il service pension rs some of ,
those from the North nave claimed
why did the Democrats in Congress
vote against an appropriation Of
III, 100000 as Il deficiency to carry
into effect this order of Commits
sioner Ware!
The Democrats dcnounce the
present Administration for reck-
less extravaganza and for execu-
tive us"rpation, and yet the pen
sion order is the only act giving
them excuse for either claim. The
Democrats on the committee Of ap-
preparations made only one minor
ity report. That was against the
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

looking somewhat carewGrn. Per
haps he is trying to get those gooc
Democrats, Cleveland and Bryan
to speak from the same platform
Ireland is a good example OF
what free trade as preached by
England can do for Il country.
Her industries have been destroy
ed, her population is decreased,
and she now buys her manufactur-
ed goods from ether lands.
According to the dogmas of the
free traders, the protected eoun-
tries of the world ought to be in
the last stages of decline, but they
refuse to 90 bankrupt at the COM
mnnd of academic politicians.
If a vigorous opposition party
is essential to good government,
the Democrats should get move
on them or make way for some par
ty that Will put up an interesting
fight.
As the negro of the South is not
allowed to vote, what's the use of
burning SO many of them just be-
fore the election.
The balance of trade is against
Democratic enthusiasm. Prosper
ity is against Democratic success.
Business confidence in the future
rests upon the assurance of Re
publican victory. There is no pan
ic, plague, famine, Or crop failure
in sight to give encouragement to
the prophets Of pessimism.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

Democratic candidates for Con.
gress 10 the North and West. II
the Democrats control tho next
House, it will he in order for them
to demand the revocation of this
pension order in which they have
discovered reckless extravaganca.
and executive nsurpation. Judge
Parker, if elected President, will
revoke the order.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

The recent Democratic conven
tion got off something in its rcso.
lusnns about reform in national, ,
state anil county politics finally re
snlling from Democratic rule I'M
der the leadership of Joseph "
Folk. Those who made these res
olntions and knowing the Demo
cratic prediction for reform, :"
especially in county politics, must
have said to themselves, sit is to
laugh" jus, imagine the Demo-
Gratis here getting busy reforming
their political methods.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

At the Democratic primaries in
St. Lonis last Monday it was dog
eat dog between the Butler and
Halves factions, in which the latter
came out winner with the aid of
the police. Something like ninety
Butler Indians were arrested dur
ing the day, which shows how
quickly the police can got busy
when they have orders. On elec-
tion day they will turn their atten-
tion to preventing honest Repnbli
cans from voting and protect the
nlnguglies.,
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05
Q l. I c A L CLIN ERS.

! Next November Judge Parker
will feel that the bird he had in his
hand was worth more than the
great big eagle the convention as
snred him was roosting in the
bushes.
The South owes its plenomina|
prosperity to Republican policies,
because the party leyislates for the
whole country and recognizes no
section or class.
1t seems like dream, but was
not something said Il short time
ago about the price of silver regu-
luting the price of wheat,
The threatened collapse Of Bry-
ans lung is looked upon as valu-
able asset by the New York Demo-
cracy.
Parker voted twice for William
J. Bryan. The only way for the
sage OF Lincoln to return the COM
pliment is to vote twice next No
vember, he will never have apoth-
or opportunity.
The Democratic party wants the
country to take its protection in
homeopathic doses, which is equiv
alent to prescribing panic for hard
times.
After all is over and the votes
are counted, the Democrats deep
down in their hearts will feel like
they did in 1895 and 1900, be glad
they were defeated.
1t is said that Tom Taggart is
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05
Protection Does Not Make Mon
opolies.

Profession has not established in
this country any manufacturing or
other monopolies. The express
and telegraph companies, the sleep
ing car companies, the railroad
companies themselves, including
the electric and street car compan-
les, the gas and electric light CON-
panies in towns and cities, and
avery other aggregation Of capital
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

| Democratic politicians in Mis-
souri, are more interested in tht
success of their party than in ciyie
reform. Folk will Lave a fleetine
passing if he has not already pass
ed. Men like Senator Stone. Sam
Cook, Harry Halves, James NJ.
Seibert, the Bntlers, father and
sons, are the kind Of men who
dominate Democratic politics in
this state. Even man like Con.
gresham Vandiver, who is Folk S
man Friday. is reform crusader
|only because behind it ak he sees
the substitution of a Folk machine
in the place Of the one it is destin-
ed to supplant, and something
good in it for Vandivcr that the
latter could not secure under the
old ring. Stone, Cook, etc., have
fallen in with the Folk crusade be-
cause they know that Democratic
success here has bat one purpose
after all, graft and boodling for
political control Of the state. The
old ring was cold to Folks polite
al pretenslons until they saw that
it was expedient for them to fall in
with them to head of Republican
control Of the state. The issue for
which Folk stands is one the Re-
publicans had raised in Missouri
years ago and the exposure of late
years of the absolute proof Of
Democratic boodling and grating
had set the voters to thinking, and
to head off the Republicans the
Democrats have undertaken ''re.
form" campaign to reform them
selves. And should they be sue
cessful in the election in the back
ground of the reform government
will be Stone, Cook, Hawes, But
ler, etc., all working the same old
graft to keep the same old corrupt
party in power. That the Demo
Gratis are guilty Of the offenses al
legged by their opponents is self
confessed by their overwhelming
anxiety to inaugurate reform in
their party "from within" Just
why the people should leave the SEN
tenee of the criminal to himself is
not obvious of the situation. The
Republican party has charged its
opponents with corruption and mis-
government in the state and has
proven it by forced and voluntary
confessions from the guilty cul-
prits. 1t asserts that if the people
will restore the party to power it
will put the rascals out and give
the state clean and honest gov
ernment. Therefore, there are
just two courses open to the peo-
pie, they must either involve them
selves in the misdeeds of their chos-
en- representatives by condonine
the otfenses of the latter, OF they
must resort to the party in oppo
sition to exposed rascality in ac-
complishing real reform and hon
est government in the state.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

The Republic continues to howl,
"Ananias," at the Globe-Democrat
yet for frst-class, plain, every day
campaign lying, the Republic has
the Globe skinned complete. The
The trouble with old 1905 is that
it thinks people take its lies for
facts and the Globes facts for lies
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05
Democrats ana the Pension ORD er

The Democrats favor ''liberal
pensions" for the old soldiers, and
denounce the alleged executive
usurpation of President Roosevelt
in causing to be issued the order
recognizing total disability at the
age of 70, and half disability at
the age Of 50 years. The Demo-
cratic spellbinders may not be able
to see the inconsistency of their
professions, but it will not be diff
cult for the old soldiers to see it.
The one act of alleged executive
usurpation pointed out by the
Democrats and so loudly COM
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

We are opposed to whiskey
politics from principle and con
denim it in Democrat and Republi
can alike. Whiskey influence hai
no more place in our politics thar
it has in our homes, religious OF
fraternal organizations.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

President Roosevelt in aeceptin g
the invitation of the international
peace congress to inaugurate a
peace movement by calling the
leading nations together in a peace
conference, has really turned the
tables on the "big stick" shouters.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

DRIVEN TO DESPERATION.
Living at an out OF the way place,
remote from civilization, 4 family 10
often driven to desperation In case ee
accident. resulting in Burns, Wounds
Cuts, Ulcers, etc. Lay In \ supply ol
Hucklin's Arnica Salve. It's tho bee1
Salva on earth. Only 25c at +. Z.
TeaSGales Drug Store
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

Last spring MIR. Folk said there
was more civil liberty in Russia
than in the city of St. Louis. OF
late, however, he has nothing to
say on the subject of Indian out
RACES on the ballot.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

A Steslville business man thinks
people shoald DC spending their mou-
ey In paying up their d-bts Instead a
blowing IL In on trip 10 the Worlds
Fair. Nevertheless the people will
continue to think they can pay 4heir
debts any old time.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

Have the voters of Missouri got
ten over the puoker from the alum
scandal, that little incident Of Dem
ocratic good government in Mis-
oanri
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

If Judge Parker should be elect
cd president any horse nation
would be privileged to step up and
kick Unclo Sans pants without
Interference.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

free traders. 1t was the protective
tariff Of 1890 which brought it to
an end.-Bullctin of the American
Iron & Steel Association.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

Outside of the solid south the
sale of campaign buttons amounts
to about six Roosevelt buttons to
one Parker button. Straws show
which way the wind blows.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

The Republican state ticket is
composed Of clean, honest mon.
No boodlers on that ticket to apol-
oeize for.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

Why not start little politica|
reform right here at home by cut
ting out booze and Doodle politics
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05

If the rank and file of the Demo
cratic party in this.eounty takes no
more interest in the election of the
party's county ticket than it did in
the making of it, the Republicans
candidates might as well arrange
their affairs for n term of Office
holding.
Potosi journal. (Potosi, Mo.) 1894-1929, 1904-10-05
$l.0O Per Annum.
REPUBLICAN TICKET.

For President.
THEODORE ROOSEVELT.
For Vice. President,
CHARLES w. FAIRBANKS.
For Governor,
CYRUS p. WALBRIDGE.
For Observation-Disclosures,
JOHN Z. MCKINLEY.
For Secretary OF State,
JOHN &. SWANGER.
For State Treasurer,
JACOB F. GMELICH.
For State Auditor,
WILLIAM ~. WILDER.
For Attorney, General,
HEREERT 5. ia DLET.
For Railroad Commissioner,
ERANk \. WIGHTMAN.
For Congress.
MARION F.. RHODES.
For Circuit Judge.
.DSEPH J. WILLIAMS.
For Representative,
JOHN J. DECLEE.
For Collector,
JAMES Il. WHITEHEAD.
For Treasurer,
LOUIS g.. JjH NSON.
For Sheriff,
J. ". COLLINS.
For Assessor.
+. r. WILLIAMS.
For Prosecuting Attorney,
Il. II. BOYER.
For Surveyor,
II. WkINS.
For Public Administrator.
JAS. a. SHIELDS, JK.
For Coroner,
CHAS. .. SETFARTH.
For County Judge-lst Dist,
Il. II. h. PAUL.
For County Judged Dist,
O. 5. MA RTIN.
Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1904-09-15
FOR THE BABY,

In this day OF tho kimoua il Is not
only the grown.ups who must have
their kmonas for bedroom wear, but
tho wee small baby must also have
one before his or her wardrobe Is con
sidered complete. There are any
number OF these dainty things III tho
shops, ranging from all prices 40 that
tho taste of the most oxtravagant
buyer and the possessor of TIM longest
pockothook may have no difficulty In
selection. Tho kimonns are In two
lengths, the short which are really
little moro than hcket~-and the
long ones that reach almost to the
hem of the hahy's long dress
All sorts OF materials are enjoyed
In their use, from silk down to the
less expensive henrietta. Embroidery
and fancy stitching done in colored
silk play an important part in the
trimmings and In fact little else IL
used, except here and there VIII he
seen ono with furnishings Of lace or
n white silk braid appluuel In pretty
simple design. These things may be
made nj home for al least onehalf the
price asked Tor them In the shops md
as they are not all difficult to fashion
II will pay to make them instead OF
buying them ready made
Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1904-09-15
SHORTHAND ON TYPEWRITER.
Machine Is Invented by German
Used for Various Purposes.

Michigan company Is figuring on
a short hand writing machine which
was invented by Peter Voget Of Hano.
yer, Germny, and will probably secure
the contract for making the machines
for this country. The company has
beel In communication with Voget.
Tho machine resembles common
typewriter with keys for making the
short characters. The invention has
promise of great success and popular.
ity a. II II the only thing Of the kind
which has ever Leen made.
The present system OF short hand
writing Is often bad as the characters
maye be mde imperfectly in the hur.
ry 10 which they are taken down and
the sense Of the story spoiled. With
the machine no such difficulty can arise
aad fhe work can be typewriter much
more rapidly. There Is also another
advantage which shoulG not be over.
looked, The short hand copy can be
distributed among many stenOgraphers
and cad ~ easily by one az another.
ne experienced person can be retained
for running the short hand machine
and dictations can be taken rapidly.
The Michigan Company has also
completed model Of cake kneeding
and fruit washing machine which was
invented by !. w Stacy Of Dallas,
Texas Mr.. Stacy came to the city
and gemained here Two weeks until the
machine was finished
The machine Ii very simple and
consists Of deep tin with rotary
reel I'D the inside which H turned BY
d handle On the side of the tin. The
handle II attached to the reel shaft
III ID wheels. large and small one
III each which are ID constructed that
Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1904-09-15

by pushing a button either can be
thrown into place and the machine
geared high or low AS result.
The cake dough Is put in at the top
aud the reel turned, thus kneading It,
There is a small scaled compartment
in the bottom OF the pan in which
water can b epoured TO heat or cool
the dough as required,
The reels can be changed and the
machine be used for beating eggs or
washing fruit.
The machines will he made in three
sizes, the smaller one 10 be used for
family cooking. Mr. Stacy owns one
OF the largest bakeries in Dallas, Tex.
as. and claims that the machine is a
success. He has used one of the ma,
chimes in his bakery for nearly a year
before he had IL patented. 1t Is very
simple and II does the work well.