West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1904-05-05

=
a Whit of the the pie nothing can
stop him until the returns come in.
IL successful, he goes forth to cele-
brate and rejoice and invites his
friends to join him. II he is so un-
fortunate as ! have been in my
visionary pie chasing he will return
home and make life miserable for
the cats and dogs which may cross
his pathway.
"Many of you have given the
better part of your life to chasing
the Elusive pie wagon. In fact you
have grown grey in the pursuit.
Had you been endowed by the Good
Being with the amount OF grey
matter inside your Uranium as you
have grey hairs on your pate, you
would have discovered long ere this
that the people were simply holding
the pie wagon in front of you in
order to get another graft out of
your innocent souls. When the
ancients were being grated in like
manner, they called upon Solomon
TO impart to them little wisdom
and start them on the road which
would lead them in the opposite
direction to the graftcrs. You do
me the great honor today to per-
form like mission. While 1 may
not be as wise as Solomon, l have
had more experience with the graft
ers in the Twentieth Century than
he. am living victim of the
nefarious art of grating. 1t took
several graftings to convince me
that l could not sprout pie. This
10 what drove me to journalism and
oratory, a profession in which / am
rapidly achieving fame and fortune.
| am now called a newly discovered
genius in which all the people in the
social and political world worship,
ank crave lock of my hair to be
handed down to generations yet un-
born. The lesson taught by this is,
that no one, however, humble his
beginning, is precluded from rising
to the Olympian heights if he but
show the quality of his genius. You
have all, my dear friend, shown the
color of your coin to the grafters,
who were not slow to convince you
after the returns came in that fool
and his money is soon parted
have upon more than one occasion,
let the last nickle crawl out of my
pocket into the gaunt hand of the
CRATER, after listening to his tale of
thirst for one more mug. 1t was a
case of muggings, in which he mug
ged me. No doubt many of you,
who lament before me this evening,
have met with similar experience.
Let us hope that you may profit by
your sad experience, as have done.
1t the entire population OF Preston
county was 10 petition me to take
one more rain bow chase after the
pie, would have TO reject the
petition. | have lost my appetite
for pies and | am now deposlting my
bfilthy lucre in the banks Of Preston,
which is a guarantee that the graft
ers will have to use jimmy and
dynamite If they deprive me of it's
purchasing power.
"Fo those of you who are partial
to the sparkling fluid | wonld say
that one jug in the cellar is worth six
IN the red brush inspiring grafters
to sand bag your opponents. You
cannot depend upon their eye sight
or their scratching proclivities when
in hilarious mood. You have no
evidence that your opponent has
not placed like amount in their
pistol pocket which is likely TO ex-
plode at any moment. l have wit
Messed such explosions. 1t won't
do to mix the different brands.
"The hour is growing late, and
as there is no collection to be
taken up tonight, there is no incen.
tive for me to impose upon my
vocal organs. There is no enthusi-
asm eminating from you to inspire
me to flights of oratory or eio-
quence. You arc all dead and |
cannot restore you to life. You
will have to remain dead for at
least four years, at the end Of which
time you may see visions of pies
looming up in the horizon and make
a wild dash for them.
II thank you for your silence to-
night which, under the circum-
stances, can excuse. After the
ides Of November I will be called
upon to deliver a similar grafton.
1 extend 10 You all pressing invi.
taiion to be present and pay partic
ular attention to the weeping and
| mournfnOD