The daily palladium. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1904-1905, 1904-11-02
TRIBULATIONS OF A GREAT
GRANDFATHER.
Uncle Gassaway Takes Leave of His
Alton With Some Reflections on the
Youths Propensity for Putting His
Coot in His Mouth.

1Outh's propensity Tor Futtfn2, his
Coot in His Mouth.
Dear Attic:
In about two weeks the golden cord
that has bound us will be loosed, our
goose will be cooked our hides will be
nailed upon the White House wall and
circus posters will obiterate por-
traits from the board fences and barn
doors of our beloved country. AS run
ming mates we will be run down. Like
Humpty Dumpty our fall will be our
last, for all of Hills heelers and all of
Tammany's men will not be able to set
us up again. Bryan will see to that.
Oh. shades of the mighty Buchanan,
of which you remind me, You are so di-
aphanous. whatever induced you to pratt
tie about maladministratio in the Phil
| ippines? Didn't you know that Teddy
was loaded for bear on that issue? The
idea OF an old judicial bird of wisdom
| Ike you gettin' caught repeatin' Dick
Olney's joke about the Philippines cost
| in $610.00O.O00. Why. an East river
shad, that don't know enough to hoe its
| own roe, could have told you that was a
| lie.
Where, in the sacred name of Jimmy
Buchanan did you get the notion that it
cost us 200, 900 lives to get hold of the
| Philippine incubus? Even Bourke Cock
| ran, who balks at facts like cab horse
at oats because he is so unaccustomed
| to them, never made such n break as
that. Didn't you know we haven't had
half that many men in the Philippines
since Dewey entered Manila bay?
But I'm tired pumpin' sense into a
head with a hole in the bottom large
| enough to put No. 10 boot iii. l tell
| you, Alton. if I'm ever nominated for
| Vice President again it will be without
the consent of the governed.
1t would have been thousands of votes
| for the Democrats if You had been at
| tackled with lumpy jaw. or lock jaw or
some other insurmountable impediment in
speech five minutes after sending your
gold brick telegram. Everybody then
said, The sphinx of Esopus'' knows
| when to speak and when to shut his
| mouth.
| The next thing we know you put your
| foot in it over pension order No. TS, and
did not know enough to extract it or to
swallow it.
| Next you put your other foot into the
| same capa cious orifice chargin' extrava-
gance in government expenses without
thnkin' that if there has been a dollar
wasted without Democrats votn' to
make it two. your uncle Gassaway hasn't
| heard of it.
And now. like quadruped with long
ears, you have put both hind feet in
with the aforementioned about the cost
OF the Philippines and the shameful rot
| tenness of American rule there. Why
couldn't you stick to railn' about the
| iniQuity of governin' without the consent
OF the governed. and the blessin's of the
| Constitution to cover the naked freedom
of the Filipinos?
Didn't you know that the man who at
tempts to hatch eggs he finds in mares
nests is apt t. strike somethin' more
Odorous than an omelette? That's what )
| struck us ever since you addressed the
| Avon Beach boomers, who ought to
| wear boomers. / don't believe there is
enough musk in all RosemOunt TO neutral
ize the overpowerin' effluvia of your care
fully prepared remarks.
Now, Alton a long farewell to all our
| sudden and brief greatness. When, after
| Nov. s, that weapon which comes down
as still as snowfiakes fall upon the sod,
| and executes Il freeman's will as light
ming does the will of God-excuse my
| breaking into poetry-when L say, that
weapon comes down and sewers the pipe
| line that binds to you. don t forget
| that Truth crushed to earth will rise
| again-but when it does you won't be
there And should we be snowed under
| deeper than Horace Greeley, let US re-
member that there is nothin' Ike making
! a record which will render Us immortal
every four years. One who is about to
| die politically salutes you No more let
| tiers cheques or campaign speeches from
| Your Uncle,
| HENRY GASSAWAY.