The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-07-11
PILGRIM JOE.
He Finds 1t Hard for a Pilgrim tc
Be Good.

BE Good.
When I set out the other mornin
from the town of Gopher Hill tC
drive lords the bustlin' but virtuou:
settlement of Old Mans HolIer. there
was blitheness in my heart. Not only
was the summers sun shimmerin
DER the lea, so to speak. and the birds
maxim joyous over the occasion, sc
to say, but I had won $12 for the
heather of Africa at poker. and taken
S47 tintypes at 10 cents a take.
may explain here that the profits
on ten-cent type don't vary much
from seven cents apiece When they
DO vary, the profits run up to eight
cents had also disposed OF 40 bot
Ties OF my Pilgrim Pain Alleviator,
of which 1 cannot speak too highly as
reJuvenator, and my fellow men
and women had sped me on my jour
ney with handshakes and kind words.
had even been blessed further.
A middle-aged but charmin wilder.
who owned the only tavern in the
place, had looked upon me with ad-
mirin glances and whispered that
there was barrel of money in con-
sohdatin' our two businesses 1 had
spoken her softly-nay, tenderly,. as
any man should when his mind is pro-
posed Tor, and 1 had also told her that
II could not be- I had a mission to
perform, and L must move with the
SUM- Feelin' the song of joy in nv
heart. L naturally uttered a few yells
: "
self:
.'WickedneSs may pay a hundred
per cent profit up 20 a certain limit
but there's nothing like steady old
Integrity to soothe a mans con-
science and make his bank account
get up and hump
Then and there I made I'D nv mind
to be even gOoder than I had been.
and to new SIGH pity in my heart that
would drive around an acre of
ground rather than run down a grass
hopper.
1 was drivin' slowly for'ards and
when critter of a man. whose age
was about fifty. rose up at the road
side and called me a liar and a robber
ana demanded that I should halt.
When 1 had halted he explained that
he had bought three bottles of my AL
leviator as had held forth at Downey's
Cove few days before and the allev-
iashun hadn't shown up.
What particular pains didst thou
seek to alleviate?" I asked in all kind
words.
Il swallered a jack-knife last fall"
he replied. and it giveth me a contin-
ual lament below my vest You war
ranted three bottles to effect a cure"
Nay, friend, but it could not be So
Ny Alleviator hath it's limits as also
my guarantees. We stop dead still at
swallered jack-knives."
But thou didst guarantee, thou old
har!' he came back at me. AYE, thou
dist VOW and assure and guarantee and
tell me of cases where thy Alleviator
had got the best of beer glasses and
billiard balls. Return my money. hoary-
headed fraud. or I will choke thy lynn
words down thy throat!'
Peace, stranger. Let us softly talk
it over
That will never do. Hand me over
rs cents or take a thumpin'''
Then the song died out of my heart
and my good resolutions vanished into
hin air I had hoped that I was of
hrnner purpose than most of mankind.
was anger in my heart and eagerness in
my soul as I climbed down from the
wagon and put up my dukes
The old critter was no buffer. He
came for me with a yell. and justice
compelS me to say that I might have
been a licked man in two minutes
more had not one of my blows found
his solar DlexuS almost by accident.
He doubled UP and went down, and
when had hammered and swatted
him to my hearts content I driv on.
There was eXultation in my heart
at first. but soon the voice of con-
vows and my gooder resolushuns had
come to naught. When I had grown
ashamed of myself and come into a
proper speerit of humiliation, I made
more vows, and finally wOOed nv
happiness back.
I had driven another two miles. and
had just decided that no man who
loved his fellerman would charge over
10 per cent interest, when I met one
whose mien was that of a preacher. !
was about to pass him with a hope /
that his salary was not more than six !
month sin arrears, when he halted me |
and said:
Stranger. If mistake not thou art 1
in the Pilgrim business for thy /
health 80
''Thou sayest truly. man of good
nessi"
Thou lowest thy fellowman and |
wouldst lift him up?"
1T wouldst"
"And words of sympathy rise to thy 1
lips when thou findest one whom mis-
fortune has assailed?"
"Again thou art right Not only
words of sympathy. but I reduce the |
price of my Pilgrim Pain Alleviator
to / s cents per bottle and guarantee
il to cure consumption if used accord
ing to directions"
Then rejoice at this meeting, he
went on. I'VE are holdin' camp
three miles away to the west.
Come and assist US. Come and tell
Of thy benign and beneficent labors in
The cause of humanity"
OF fam would do so. good man. but