Adams County news. [volume] (Ritzville, Wash.) 1898-1906, 1904-02-17

culated the obnoxious report that !
am fine haired cuss and was raised on
Mellen's Baby Food. We denounce
it as campaign lie. We are much
commoner than they are. We can
say during that six years as editor
OF the News we have not frittered
away much time living in pomp and
oriental splendor. 1t has been devoted
to the acquisition of Practical knowl-
edge of cutting cordwood, baking
beans, turning double handsprings,
being shot out OF catapult at Cir
Gus, learning how to make II good, ad-
hesive paste that won't sour in hot
weather, building the north half OF a
$4,000 play house with $500 capital,
holding all the non-salaried offices in
town and trying to pay the grocer at
the same time, city water rents, grind
ing scissors, punctuating, capitalizing
condemnation, syntax, plain sewing,
music and dancing, sculpirg, etiquette,
prosidy, the Ten Commandments, ev-
cry man his own tooter on the flute,
rules OF the prize ring, rhetoric, parlor
magic, how to run a jack from the
bottom of the pack without getting
shot, civil engineering, decorative art,
kalsomining, bicycling, base ball, n.y.
draulics, botany, poker, international
law, high-low-jack, drawing and paint.
ing, faro, vocal music, driving, break
ing team, curio critic, billiards, fifteen
ball pool, how to best remove grease
spots from last years pantaloons,
horsemanship, coupling freight cars,
riding on rail, riding on pass, cut
ting grass, how to wean calf from
the parent stem, bull-whaeking, plast-
eling, waltzing, vaccination, autopsy,
how to win the affections OF your wife's
mother, every man his own washer.
woman, or how to wash underlothes
so that they will not shrink, etc. We
eat, plain, everyday food with both
hands, CONVEX sing all the time pleas
antly with anyone who may be visit
ing the house. If there are any chill
dren around at meal time and they do
not behave, we kick them swiftly from
beneath the table till they roar with
pain, and then chat ON with the
guests in a bright and ever flowing
stream of bon mots which pleases and
delights them to such degree that
they almost forget that they have had
hardly anything to eat. Thus do we
"kill two birds with one stone"-en-
terrain our sue is and save the grub
Another thing we have almost forgot
ten; we have all the attributes OF vice
and wickedness that goes to make up
a successful politician, and if we are
not successful it cannot be traced to
a lack Of ability in this line. Look us
over and if we come up to your plans
and specifications, vote for us.
In conclusion will say that if l am
elected, which is not at all likely, so
long as my right arm can still jerk a
fluent cross cut saw in the English
tongue, l would form syndicate OF
nonarchs, with grips, passwords, ex-
plantations and signals. Every scel ire
would have contralto whistle in the
butt end which could be used as a sign
OF distress, while the other end could
have cork in it, and then steering a
ship made tottering by gang OF po-
litical piggers, pluggers and boosters,
could rot be SO irksome as it now is.
AS we march down through the dim
vista of crumbling centuries, we would
like to have the reigning tools long
enough to fix myself good and plenty.
We understand the sheritf's joint has
been newly retittcd and refurnished
throughout, being located convenient
the new Northern Pacific depot. Con.
siderng all this we think we could
take the job for about $1,000 year, or
say $1,000 year and find myself, and
thus wax and grow fat like Irby in
the comfortable position of postmaster
and he informs IL. that the job is soft
snap, with nothing to do, in which
case both the public and the obIiging
official are satisfied. Hoping you will
not give me the short end, will pol
ish up my glad nit and get busy.
With bottle OF tobasco sauce in one
hand and bunch OF hot air in the
other, ard with my frying pan creased
for the sheriffship rabbit, in compli-
ance with the request OF pack OF
friends and a thousand subscribers,
and further trusting my creed is not
too deep for the public mind, am,
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