West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1904-04-28

terlainments which necessity compels me TO
attend. is gradually destroying my elasticity
and handsome physique. Maidens who
have been throwing the most picturesque
and dainty boquets at me for over fifty years,
content themselves with few Johnny jump
up boquets when meet them at the social
functions. This is the only thing which
disturbs my tranquility aud causes me to
indulge in spasms Of suicidal intent while
reposing in the arms of Morpheus. / have
consulted great many of the pie-hun,ers
on this subject and they inform me they
have never experienced the peculiar sensa-
ton of suicide which leads me TO think their
brain must be piebound But there Is no
turning back from duty and must proceed
on my journey
Within the last week or two, have had
some urgent and pressing invitations to visi,
Valley district, district where my popular
ity Is so immense that'I have been offered a
farm OF forty acres and a mule, by the
people of Valley. IL would make II my
permanent residence. But l am a little
skepiical on this point, for when / returned
from the war of the sixties, war in which |
played such prominent part, remember n
similar offer being made the Colored broth.
rem. shall take the offer under considera-
ton. After this war is over expect to re-
ceiye another pention which should place
me beyoud the reach of the tax collector.
When receive my instructions to 90 to
Valley district and report the joint debate
between the gentlemen who have became
famous, resolved 10 start early that might
avail myself of the opportunity to meet all
my old friends. left Kingwood at the
FIRST crow of the rooster and travelled at a
gait which landed me at the Magical town
of Brelz by nine O'Clock. Already the town
was filling up with people. was heartily
welcomed by my old friends, Hon. H..
Amos Hartley, Squire Joseph A. Miller,
Col. Jim Carter and Sanford and lanes
Watson. They were all over-joyed at meet
ing me and in chorus declared was the
only living celebrity they had gazed upon
since they laid the corner stone OF Bre,z.
Mr.. Hartley, whom had rived within the
Legislature; Squire Miller, whom had
soldiered with; SAINT and Jim Watson, with
whom had fox hunted with, and Col. lin
Carter, with whom had once Joined in a
wildcat scheme to re-organize the Demo-
cratic party, were profuse in their express
slons of my wonderful success as war cor
respondent. They assured me the town
was mine as long as 1 remained, and re-
GREETED that they were all blue ribbon dis
ciples and could offer me nothing but pop.
which they were fully aware would not
satisfy my thirst, as was accustomed to
Partake freely of the sparkling liquid which
painted landscapes in my brain. / assured
them as meeklY and humbly as could that
| pop would suffice until could reach the
nearest drug store where I would have to
have prescription filed to counteract the
pop. In my mental and physical condition
l require 4 stimulant that will stimulate
| Pop has never had the desired effect. Pop.
red lemonade and ginger bread is alright
for women and children, but il will never do
to campaign on or win political battles.
But my friends we're generous and treated
me to pop in all shades and coIors for which
am thankful. AS / finished the last bat
tie the political orators made their appear
ance in the town. II was going TO be red
letter day for Bretz and advertise it in such
manner that the school children would
have no trouble in finding it on the map
and in the geographic
The meeting was called to order by
Squire Joseph A. Miller, who announced
that it had been unanimously agreed that
the Hon. II. Amos Hartley should preside
over the meeting. The announcement was
met with great applause Mr. Hartley very
modesily came forward aud saids "Niy
fellow citizens Of Valley Beneath the walls
Of ancien, Troy, are the ruins Of other
cities, but beneath the sod Of Bretz is blum.
nous coal which shall make US ell rich and
famous. tApplause.l Col jim Carter is
the man whom we have engaged to have
the dusty diamonds extracted from beneath
this sod, and when he has finished his la.
Dor he will not pull down the props and
destroy us all, like samson pulled down the
gates Of GAIA before he was shorn Of his
locksi Great eheenng.l Bat as We are God
fearing people / deem il right and proper
that our meeting should be opsr by prayer
Therefore, ] would call upon Elder Tim
Watson, who has voice like the thunder
and a courage equal to the lion, 10 come
forward and offer up a application. Those
Of you who can not kncsl down will please
lie down until the application passes over. &"
Elder Jim Watson, who IL noted for his
| piety and beneyolence, came 10 the front
and was given royal ovation. Taking his
position in the centre Of The Stage The Elder
Knelt down and with uplifted hands made
the following appeal.
"Our Beloved snd Sacrificing Boss.-We
have assembled here today to DO homage to
your Boss-ship and your fidelity 10 LEI no
Office escape which you can corral. Thou
hast ever been gigilani ~ watching over Thy
flock, who a. times became boinefous and
cry aloud for piei That they are hungry to
the point Of oannlhslism, which causoih Thee
10 weep and mourn because lhou cansi pro-
vide thy Goci with pie 50 long IS thy craw
is not filed, IS condition which we an rs-
gfet but mos, willingly submit TO We
ever pray that thy eraw shall not 60 empty
50 long as our good and beloved Boss re-
maineth on this earth below, and thsf when
be iskeih bis flight to The celestial realms of
which We knowetb nothing shout, that his
departure shall be with full cfaw Of pie
ihai may las,elh him until Old Gabriel blow.