Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1904-03-25


have a free for all oratorical tussle
/ i see visiting member in the hal
who sports a red, white and blue but
ton. His name is Hon. Tubular Roller
Frank. and shall ask him, on a sight
draft to please remit few remarks
on cash basis anent the ancient. but
still strenuously debated question
| To WHICH end of the kingbolt should
the tap be screwed on?'
'If Brother Frank sees fit he NAV di-
late, EXPAND and diversity his ideas
and remarks with such sassafras-
bark coIors as he may deem suitable :
And Brother Frank did so. He at
tanned an upright position and pre-
served his center Of gravity with no
visible effort. He launched the shrap-
mel shell of his thinkograph ordnance
into the perfumed air of the hall in the
following strain:
Honorable Toastmaster and fellow
brethren: The profundity of the sub
ject with which am supposed to COM
nit dalliance is one over which differ
ences of opinion have always been
prevalent.
'-Messrs. G. Washington and !. Corn
wallis supposed they had settled this
question when the latter dissoluted
from the participating in the imple-
ment business in Yorktown, Va, Oct.
10. 1871.
But it has required frequently
since. / have even been told by men
older than myself that Rock Island
pillow salesman named Diogenes
invented new lantern. and went all
over his territory inspecting vehicles
to see if he could not reach con-
clusion that would set the vexed ques-
ton in chair for the balance of eter-
nifty. He wore out the lantern and lost
his job. but never succeeded.
$50 when ! approach this subject il
naturally sends Baffin's bay sensation
up ana down the rear lining of my
vest along the middle seam. There
fore. if | seem to diverge from the
paths of strict adherance to the top
ic, it will only be to get little nearer
the radiator.
In the premises, then, toastmas
ter is much like king bolt. He is the
apparently article
that binds together the parts of Il fra
ternal body when. on occasions SINH
lar to this, the fabric is prone to fraz-
zle in the middle and fray out at the
ends. Again the toastmaster is like
the kingbolt. his head keeps him from
going too far. He is also akin to the
taskmaster. The latter is habitually
setting up stunts that appear impos-
sible to finish. and the tOastmaster is
similar destroyer of peace, happi-
ness and English substantive.
''He is responsible for more devas-
tations from correct syntaX and pros
ody than Robinson Crusoe's man Fri
day. whose assaults on Crusoe's moth
er tongue are familiar to every one.
Mr.. Cruso hit upon the plan of dress
ing Friday in white mans garb, think
ing that as the fifth day of the week
shed his Notwithstanding raiment,
he Nould also shed his ideas of assas-
sinating the hereditary language of
Daniel Defoe.
Again, the toastmaster is like the
kingbolt because he acts just as well
without fabrication as when thorough
~ coated with an oleaginous rust pre-
venter. He, like the kingbolt, squeaks
and creaks and shrieks as loudly when
running light. as when carrying a
load sometimes more SOY. / am not
as familiar with the haunts, habits and
pecuIiaTities of Il kingbolt as | used to
be, but if my memory has not Joined
uniOn-which means of course, that it
is on n strike most of the time-there
is Il mistake in asserting that there is
any top connected with the kingbOlt
at all.
IF this is the case, then the toast
master, like the kingbolt, is always
of his nut
The toastmaster iS something diff
ferent from the kingbolt. The latter
always carries the load. but the toast
master shifts il onto his friends, and
like disk pillow the harder the ground
the deeper he digs to accomplish his
Interior motive.
THE toastmaster is like the Indian
chief who wandered too far from his
tepee. 4 white man met him and ask
ed him if he was lost. Ugh. Injun no
lost. wigwam lost The banquet may
I've lost. strayed or stolen. and the revel-
ers may flee. but the toastmaster. like
Excelsior, mounts To the empyrcan
blue and l. swept in the contemplation
of his own eXaltation."
lnoSe VINO were aDIe appiaudeu luSll-
~. Those who were not cried second
the notion" and question" until the
POSTMASTER raped for order.
I'VE will do well tn heed the advice
Of the visiting member" said he. Il
cannot say what he advises us to do or
To avoid. but whatever it was it il a
superior article. tuned up at the fac
tory. and tested before leaving the
grounds.
I'VE Will now dismember the meet
ing. in more formal manner than is
common by singing that appropriate
anthem. The Ola Flag Never Touched
the Grcund,' Each member a. he re-
turns To his domicile will please re-
member that he Is a flag"