The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-12-11
6irafn q. Pansy Goes Gourtina
BY WELLINGTON vANDIvER, Talladega, Ala

of them Hotel Coons orter have a tres tie built over his mouth, to keep wag ons from falling in 1t.
 Mister Advertiser. you shore have got 0 town to be proud of! The big road by the Courthouse Is smuthe enough to play marbels in. and that squirt ing well ip your square. where the warter comes sizzin through the mouth of Heather Images, certinglee does beat my time! Your City bild- ing Is exactly the color of Wilder Spraggins complexion and Gentle-MEN there oodles of brick houses everwhur without a sign of fences about em. A heap of your houses has got front yards with the craps mighty badly in the 'grass:- but MAN! would you bleeve it?-in- stead of cutting up that grass with a ho, your folks actually keep a lazy nigger squirting water on 1t through a Injun Rubber grape vine, that the Town people call a hoze! And I'm go- ing to tell you how Yours truly Hiram G. Pansy, found out the name of them Squirters?
 You know, MT. Editor, from once havin been a marrying man yourself. taht 1t wont do to go courting with out primping up a right peart chance: so. the first thing I bought. after hav- ing my boots greased.-was a small viul of hair ile-it had cinnamun draps in it, and you could smell me across the street. Before you could say Scat! had whirled in and trad ed for shurt that had red stripes per-vading one way, and blue porker- dots prevailing the other way. At terwords I squandered ninteen cents on a crayvatt of a pale red color with blue sweet-gum leaves, and poke berry storks mixed up on it, and it was as long as haim-string. The Clerk called it a "Four,in- hand" and 1t shorely did take four hands to tye 1t.
 Well. Sir! when lammernaded down the street. inquirpg the way to fae nayborhood where my girl rezided |; there was more than Eleven little boys follering me, and remarking to each other;-"yander he is."-"there he goes" Cit on to your Uncle Reu- ben's style, such like admiring ex -clamasnuns. Fact is, they was juss tickulled to death becaws I was beating everything in your Town in the line of Store close. When got to the front door of my girls Paws residence I mighty near realed all the skin off my nuckels, and broke a plank outen the door-shutter, trying to make em hear me; untel g nigger gal come to the dor and ast me; Why don't you ring the bell?" "Ah! go- way, Nigger. I said,-sorter joking like" There aint no bell hangin here" Do you take me for a Church Sexton, or a bell cow?" Tell your Young Mistress that her Bo has come to see herr"
 That Darkey sniggered a little bit. and told me that her mistiss had got o hA all hnN AEr 1I. IL Aiken, of Atlanty. was CALLING on her mistiss that very mint, and for me to Walk in the Pawler please"
 It was a leetle mite dark in the entry as I found out when I hung my hat on the bannisters. It shore did bother me to know what Mister Cad wallader Aiken was Calling" my girl about. Never knowed but two felIers that was called in my life! One of them was Old Parson Lem Shuckers, who klaimed that he was called" to preach over in Harris County. Georgy. and Old Lem was ceringlee the poor est eXskuice for a preacher that ever give out the Doxsology. Why he'd prea ch all day. and along into the night, If something didn't happen to stop him, His faNor-ite tex was from the place where the Postle Pawl pinted his pistol at the Phesians, and enquir- ed Who was Melchis-el- Dick?" and that old ulpit-banger would bawl out that tex of scripter. and rip, and roar for eight mOrta4 hours on a stretch, untel his dying congregation felt like they wouldn't give a continental to find out who Melchis-el-Dick really wuz The other man. with a call, was a hard ware Drummer who told me that a bow-legged man had "called" him the night before when he had a bob-tatIed flush in his hand,-which I don't know what the fool Drummer meant
 Reckon you &.ow ry girls brother? He is certin glee warm kid! He is ruther heavy sot, in build and he whis- ties through his teeth. He ain't what you might call mean.-he is jess nat urally full of devilment, and he ain't got no more respect for growed-up men than a goat. Ruth-that's my girls name-naturally dotes on Bud-thats the Kids name!
 And sometimes when that young scamp provoaks me until I feel a un- holy yearning to take barrel-stave to him, instead of Ruthy being mad at hfm she is jess peaches and cream to that yearling. All this was passing