West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1904-05-19

/ NNNH Wv y AANAi'ue
"At seven O'Clock on the morning Of
April z7Ih. we opened IRE an the enemy
with our chief gunner, waiiopem Gloiiously
woriey. We gave him a terrific cheer ,c
keep the sap up Next We exploded IS
shells loaded with Preston county buck.
whes, among the enemy, aud they responded
feebly with three shells The whoopiug
aud yelling which followed tins iiled my
heart With JOY. Il touched the elecl,ical
spark in my eyes and beheld pies pies
pies pies wherever ehaueed 60 look.
seized my held glass TO survey the battle
field and see how many Of the enemy were
numbered among the pieless The spec;a.
Gle which mel my c, c vas glorious to behold.
Pies PIES y pies ~ vas al could sec.
While in this state Of exuliauon the enemy
oPened hre on my army and the next four
vollies from Mineral, Tucker, Grant aud
Hardy which they fred into us silenced our
batteries aud drove US into the Yslu river to
swim OF drown r.
At this ppiut the emotional spring ex.
panded TO such degree that out beloved
Major could no, give uueranec to his cogcnt
grief. Seeing that something mus, be done
to alleviate his suffering Dissolved an "oh-
joyful" in a glass Of water and lenderly
poured il down his throat This seemed TO
restore him to animation aud the recovery
Of his voice. Ia all my varied experience
of Joy and sorrow have never lost my
voice or the control Of my tongue Fre-
quenily when / have been out with the boys
celebrating, l have los, control Of my loco
motion, but my voice, never On such
occasions l could yell jus, as vigorously as
Il pursued by the enemy who were ben, on
deprivng me Of my pies
''But you must cheer up" I said la
laundering tones, when the Major recovered
sufficiently to listen to my philosophy winch
was religiodsiy excluded from the political
campaign ''You must remember that the
nomination simply places you in the ineuba.
tor to hatch the eggs which produce the
pie. II the fireman should become enam-
ored with Morpheus and allow her to tuck
hia, IN his iitils bed where he would repose
ia the arms of The nymph until the lempera-
tute would fail below the stage Of iueuba.
ton, the pie which you lost on the banks Of
the Yslu uver, would stand poor chance Of
escaping from the Democratic cfow-eaters
who are perehed on the limb Of Hope
You are not the only pie-huuter who has
los, hls pie; the soil Of Preston FOR gener
at,nna l,r b.., ....I. f..tsf. l.. a.. a..
phate OF their bones. Generations ye, have
struggled, and weep as you have wepI. for
the alluring pie which eludes. What we
need in this generation is strong men. Men
with grea, strong arms, strong constitutions,
slrong appettes, and a strong belief in The
per6dy Of Poliicsl Men who can digest
eorndodgers aud buttermilk aud exclude
from their bill Of fare, pie When we
have arrived at tins stage Of perfection there
will be no weeping aud wailing."
For the next few minutes ieposed in
silence and studied the features Of the Ma
jor. had him guessing whether was a
philosopher or an IDIOT.
"whai you say fear is too irue,". re-
Piled the Major, as if returning from a
liance II must shake off this incubus and
be manly The pie IS beyond my reach and
why should fret longer. There are so
many things which can remember which
contributed to my defeat For several days
have been eneeayoring to recall Senator
worley's perorahon when he nominated
- o.. th. .h..., 4 =. ....,... ...... A - -.
I can reoolIect they were Of the ioolhpck
style and yellow tan. AZ this late day /
have TO pinch myself 10 find out u am the
man whom he eulogized in his fancy flights
Of rhetoric aud his lofty sports Of eloqusnce.
Il. is an undecided question with me now
whether that speech was not the cause of my
defeat. a man who measured up TO ali The
requirements which Senator worIey claimed
] did one who exeelled his fellowman ss ]
did, was no doubt looked upon as TOO great
man to be sacrificed on pie But Senator
Woriey was my frleni. and Tie opportunity
TOO great for him not to display bis orator
ical powers. ! fear. however. that bis
eagerness 10 excel Demosihenes and nomi-
nate me was the cause Of my death. Il
was simply case Of giant turned loose
among dwarfs.
"Bui ! am forgetting TO cease grieving.
Tell my friends and followers that am en-.
joYing myself up Salt river the best can
under the circumstances; that will return
in The Spring time when vegetation IS on The
Market aud from This time hencsionb /
will exclude pie from ny desert
There are so many Of the defeated pie
hunters that have 70 visit that ii will take
me some time 10 get around But pro-
pose 10 yisi, each and every one 50 10 The
relatives and friends Of The departed I
would say hat il you wan, TO hear from the
spirit land where your relatives and friends
are sojouning YOU had better subscribe for
TIE AaGUs and keep in touch with them.
Many no doubt viii have messages 20 send
you as TO hov you should conduct lbe farm
and wear mourning This win be worth
thrice lhe price Of subscription and The
means u preventing me from taking mp my
pesmaneni residenes in the poor house and
Increase your iasalion. We are an 20 favor
% ias reform, whatever that IS.
Tur RAWBtHe
-a-1sss
STARTLING EVIDENCE
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