The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-06-27
PILGRIM JOE.
He Finds the Life of a Philanthropist
Worth the Living.

AFTER tarrying all night at the en-
terprlsin' town of Hard Up. and playin'
Few hands of poker, by which 1 won
- for the heather of Africa. I rose IN
with the lark in the mornin' and pro-
-eeded on my way lords the strugglin
village of Solomon's Squat
Ny old boss was feeIin' in his gayest
speerits, my fightin' dog under the wa
gon was sharpenin' his teeth for the
next combat, and my grasshopper in
the bottle was feelin' ambitious to con-
ker new fields whenever he should be
let loose on another bumblebee. In
addition to the above, had made and
bottled UP a new stock of my celebra-
ted Pilgrim Pain AUeviator, a few
doses of which are warranted to knock
sorrer into a cooked hat, and which
continues to hold its own in spite of
the numerous boss medicines hoodin
the market.
With sich surroundins, and the fur
ther knowledge that wad of green
PACKS a1nountin to $3.50 reposed in my
hind pocket. must heV bin an onnat-
ural crttter not to hev felt the speerit
OF happiness bubblin' up in my soul.
Speak1n' of the game of poker, I
would take advantage of the present
occasion to observe that it is sinful
game oniess played with the cause of
the heather in view. When you are
tress the wilder and the orphan. and
that what you win viii go lords hftim'
the heather up on a higher plane, you
are in the right mood to hold a full
house and beat flush every time, and
not feel cOnscience-st ricken about it.
The man who takes up the keerds TO
play poker and win that he may pay
on the mortgage on his house and lot
hath sinful natur' and cannot train
in my company.
When I had driven a distance of two
miles 1 came upon an old man weepin'
by the roadside AS was natural,
halted to ask him why these tears. The
tears Of youth may mean stone bruise
on the heel or love crushed to earth,
but the tears of old age always mean
stab in the heart.
The old man before me had colored
his hair and whis1ers and got six new
eeth in front and started out to de-
GIVE q wilder and the world at large,
x the wider had ptped him off for
deceiVer and the world had tuckered
him out as he plOdded along the high
way A white cat may look black on
dark night. but hair dye gives
itself away twenty-four hours a day.
When it cant be seen for the dark
ness, the smell of ancient eggs is al
ways there
had sobbingIy told me his story.
there is a time for playin' 1eapfrog
and time for sittin' in the corner
and smokin' corncob pipe, and no
widders are all right up to a sartin
limit, but they amt trustin their
happiness to men seventy years old
with aches in their knees. Your back
is bumped, your legs totter; and you
can't keep your chin still.
Hair dye can't turn back the
wheels of time 1t only remains for
you to sit around a grocery on the
head of a barrel and lie about the
weather that has passed. As an old
pioneer and a liar, you will go down
to your grave with the respect of all
men, as a colty old man with jet
black hair and whiskers. the world
smiles and widders giggle at you. Pull
down your vest and go out of the colty
business"
He weDt some more, and SEEM that
the struggle was hard with him, I be-
thought me of my Alleviator. I had
never seen it tried for alternating the
soul but I made the experiment,
Ehakin' the bottle between the old
mans drinks. In five minits he was
smilin' and the tears was dried on
his furrowed cheeks; in ten he was
merry, and in a quarter of an hour he
he could open his mouth. He agreed
to turn from matrimony to lynn, and
before 7 had left him he had lied to
me ten times and was we'll on the way
to win the championship belt
would recommend my Alleviator in all
similar the longed for effect, try an
other
When the old man had gone gafly
hoppin' his way 1 drove on, and my