The Birmingham age-herald., 1904-08-21
MIR. DooLEY ON THE MODEL SAIOoN

W tn hair an tn laws iv exchange. an th knowledge I have iv how to subjoo the afrlctions iv tn ladies wud cause nanny pang. I tell ye, we ar-re a fine body iv min. Bishops comin' into tn saloon business? In behalf iv tn Liquor Dealers Lithry Club iv tn sixth wa-ard,
 thereby challenge tn college iv bishops to a spell down
 Not that I'm proud iv me prohssyon, or, shud l say me art? It's wan way iv makin' Twin. l suppose 1t was me vocation. got into 1t first because didn't like to dhrive an express wagon an I stayed in 1t because they was naw- thin else that seemed worth while. I am not hard dhrinker. I find if I dhrink too much l can't meet-an' doth inteliech- ool joynts that swarm in here afther meetin' at tn rowlin' mills. On Satur- dah nights, l am convivyAl On New Years eve I thry to make the or year just as sorry it's lavin' me as I can. But have no more pleasure in shovin' over to ye that liquid sunstroke thin wud If I had to dole out collars, hair dye. books, hard billed eggs money or amy thing else that wudden't be good f'r ye. Liquor is not q nicissry evil. Hogan says it's wan way iv ra-alizin' tn ideel. Tn nex' day we're ashamed ib ye'er ideel. Tn throuble about 1t is that whin ye take 1t ye want more. But that's tn throuble with ivrything ye take. If we get power we want more power; if we get money, we want more money. Our vices r-run on f'river. Our varchues, Hinnis- sy, is what me frind Doc Casey calls self limiting.
 But I must get back firm me lab-rtory to Bishop Potter's. Will me frind suc- ceed? 1 hope he will. We can't get too many dacint men into our profissyon. They'se wan thing I wud call me neigh bor's attention to- Tn unbenighted Amer ican wurrukin' man likes his dhrink. as who does not? But he wants to take 1t in peace. His varchues has been wrote about. But let him injye his few simple vices in his own way. says l. He goes to tn saloon an ye go to tn club fir tn same reason. Ye don't want to go home He don't need annywan to push him into a bar. He'll go there because that's a place where wan mans betther thin an- other an nobody Is ra-aly on but tn bartinder. There ought to be wan place where tn poor wurrukin' man can escape bein' patted on tn back. He ain't so bad, ye'er grace, as ye think. Wurrukin men don't dhrink to excess. Drunkenness is a vice iv tn idle. Did ye iver see a la-ad sprintin' across joist two hundhred feet III III D 5t iiC Cuu dV tll1t II he was a free dhrinker? The on'y wur- rulsin' men who dhrin too much ar-re thruckmen, an that's because they have so much time on their hands While they ar-re waitin' f ra load they get wan. Aven some iv thim ar-re sober. Ye can tell thim be their hats.
 Somehow or another, Hinnissy, 1t don't seem jus right that there shud be a union iv church an saloon. These two great institutions ar-re best kept apart. They kind iv offset each other like the supreem coort and Congress. Dhrink is a nicissry evil, nicissry to tn clargy. If they iver admit It's nicissry to tn con- sumers they might as well close up tn churches. Yell niver find Father Kelly openin' a saloon. He says dhrink is an evil but I'm a nicissity. If I moved out worse man might come In me place"
 "Ye ra-aly do think dhrink Is a nicissry evil?" said MT Hennessy.
 Well" said Mir. Dooley, If it's an evil to a man, it's not a nicissry, an if it's nicissry it's an evil