The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1904-02-24
TIE NONPAREJL MAN

.
How That Wonderful, Predigested Break
fast Feed Malta Shoepegs Filled Grand
pa So Full Of Energy That He Leaped
Over an EIght-Foot Bill Board and
Skinned the Box Elder Tree on Our
Front Lawn About Eight Feet Back
From the Sidewalk.
Old grandpa was beginning to feel the
touch Of time His head was frosted with
SHOWS Of seventy six Minnesota seasons
extending from Sept. i to Mayl3, and his
left leg had a slight rheumatic jump in it
when the air was damp and grandpa was
aware Of the fact by consulting his hy-
drometer. If grandpa did not know of
the excess humidity of the atmosphere,
his off-leg never "hollered.' Hence he
bought this valuable detector Of atmo-
spheric aqueous perturbation, in order to
have his rheumatism at exactly the right
time
AS we were saying, granp was feeling
slightly frostbit with age when he saw
advertised that wonderful, health giving,
youth restoring breakfast food Malta
Shoepegs, and he ordered one gross. It
is needless to say that granp began to
''pick up like a yearling released from it's
all-winter barn in the early spring time
when the dandelons are beginning to
whoop ON the south side Of the board
fence. In short granp became frisky
that they seriously considered dropping
him from the building committee of the
church. He insisted on sending in his
testimonial written by his sons daughters
and it Shortly appeared in the press Of
our land that wonderful engine Of prog
ress and reform:
Malta Shoepegs Company-sirs: After eating
three boxes of your wonderful predigested break
jumped over an eight-foot bill board and
Skinned the box alder tree on cur front lawn.
causing Aunt Attic Windpenny in the next
house to throw up both mits in establishment.
Yours, -Cordelia. Fidelia and Coralne.
Let this be lesson to us all not to
neglect the golden opportunities that lie
all about our path.
In the far eastern excitement, Emperor
Williams throat has been forgotten Are
we becoming negligent?
They are booming Senator Cockrell of
Missouri for the democratic nomination.
Mr.. Cockrell is known to some of the
lighter minded Of his constituents as ''Old
Garden Sass
There is five feet of ice on Lake Baikal.
That's about the score made by YOUR
neighbours sidewalk this month.
The way to quiet San Domingo is to an
mex it and to station the One Hundred
and Seventh Texas regiment, the One
Hundred and Twenty-second Alabama and
the Seventy-fifth South Carolina there to
keep order. P. S.-They will do it.
The Japs are giving the Russians a lib
eral education in the art of quick and
j snappy naval tactics.
The present Japanese imperial house is
so old that it was musty when Assyria
was at the height Of its power.
When a man has reached that point Of
spiritual development where he can resist
the great joy OF answering back" he
is getting pretty good and must beware
| Of spiritual chestiness.
| Only ten weeks more of winter!
BY June the water will be running in
the streets. Stand up for Porto Rico.
They used to ask where all the
pins went to. Where does all the loose
change go?
] An exchange calls attention to the fact
that a man may get well when two doc@
+; tors sign the daily bulletin. When three
doctors sign it, he is all In.
EverybQdy's Magazine for March, in an
article called "a Peep Behind the Pur-
dah, drags to light the old mother in law
controversy. The one great worry Of a
Hindu womans life, says the writer is
that she may be an aged bore Of a mother
in-law. It is amusing to find that the
!, mother-in-law is really one Of the seven
jokes of the world. She is found every
where, even in most ancient Sanscrit and
Arabic literature. The Mohammedan
says: "The best of mothers in-law is a
!, large boil;' while the subtle Hindu de-
clares: However good mother In
law may be she is nevertheless mother
in-law." The mother-in-law joke has the
sanction of age, but nearly all the moth
ers-in-law we have seen were as good as
a $4,000 bank account to their sons-in
mothers-in-law know it and will acknowl-
edge it.
That story about Brother Morrilrs
brother taking a dip in Lake Calhoun
every day this winter was denied on
authority. There were many people, how
ever, who did not credit the denial at
the time. Mr.: Morrill, is not anxious to
have his morning bath interfered with by
a lot of open-mouthed curiosity seekers
who are likely to catch the pneumonia
germ from standing around in the north
: wind watching man disport himself in
: the chill waters of Calhoun, so he limited
! quite freely to his friends that the picture
was overdrawn. It is, however, true that
Mr.. Morrill, does battle in Calhoun, and
; a little thing like Minnesota winter or
? two feet Of ice is not going to stop him
, if the authorities do not. People who
: have never jumped from a cake of ice
into the water do not know what the
. pleasures of outdoor bathing really are.
. Do you think the seal the walrus is
bothered by the temperature of the water?
y No more is man. except as he is educated
up to the belief that there is pleasure
i in the water after the ice begins to form.
Personally we have never cared to go in
8 after the first thin film Of ice forms on
. the top of the water, because the ice COM
pany has seemed to object to having peo-
pie in their frosted laketop a few days
j before they begin cutting. The assoca-
n ton of ideas interferes with the ice bust
q ness.
Y If you cannot get out to the lake these
!, dark winter mornings. cold plunge in
the bath tub is equally foolish and UNI
8 natural. We never knew a man who be-
: gan taking cold baths for his health In
s whom the Association Of Funeral Direc-
r tors did not take a professional interest