davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
Only One Sale a Year
But Then. the Stock In Trade WAS OF
Special Kind

There happens to be quite Il jolly
crowd of drummcrs Of various per-
suasions at this hotel just ut present.
and last night we had Il little scaucc in
the smoking room fer mutual inspira-
tion and advancement, The talk nat
urally got rather SLOPPY ut last, and
the fellows began Dragging of the bust
ness they did. \ drummer for grind
stones said that he thought he'd aver
age up about SIX sales day, and 4
fellow in whisky allowed that he would
make ut least ten. Then Hebrew,
who Travelled with ncclties, declared
that he could take In about Il dozen
orders. and SO II went. | modestly ad-
mittcd that l was handicapped and
that two sales per diem We're about all
| could attain to under the eireum-
stances. OF course that's more than
do make but MS YOU say, you've got
TO impress the world with the fact that
you're some pumpkins or you wont
get assessed ut even cucumbers
They'd all got through their little
yarns except one thin faced, quiet chap
who sat in n corner and didn't have
much TO say. Finally the Hebrew
pounccd on him, thinking he'd have
some fun ut his expense.
You hafn't told us vat you de. mcin
trent" he said to the quiet fellow.
"Eferypody must speak in this eNbe-
ricncc meeting. How many sales do
you makeY"
The nun looked up with II sort of
wenry expression on his face and re-
piled:
well. If | make one sale year |
think I'm doing pretty we'll"
Won sale Year, exclaimed the de-
scendnnt of Aaron, with pitying
smile. Won sale yenr! w yot do
you travel forfa
suspension bridges" replied the
quiet man. and we all regarded our
cigar ashes in silence. From Letters
From Son To Ills Self Made Father,
by Charles Eustncc Mcrriman.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30

1t is OH record that the great seal of
Britain has twice been degraded to
kitchen uses. In 1881, when Lord
Brougiam, then lord chancellor, was
staying MS II guest With the Duchess Of
Bedford, some ladies of the house pnrty
In II frolic ventured To purloin the great
seal from the chaneellor's bedroom.
Trembling with anxiety, the great
nun came downstairs 10 proclaim his
loss, but TO his relief they told him of
their joke and challenged him to find
his treasure. Entering into the spirit
of their fun. he at last dragged the
emblem of his authority triumphantly
from the coal box.
Still In merry mood, he led the party
TO the Kitchen, where each lady made
Il pancake, with the great seal for n
pan, pouring the batter between its
disks.
This mad prank created So much
amusement that Lord Brougham re
pcatcd IL ut plymouth to give pleasure
to the Warehouses of Brcadalbane.-
London Answers.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30

Sir Walter Bcsant in ON OF his books
says of the author of Robinson cru
soc" and journal of the Plague"
"De Foe was born In the year 1861. lis
father lived In GrippIegatc. where, AZ
we know, he had shop The child
therefore, was -four years of age in the
plague year. \ child Of -four observes
a great deal and may remember a
great deal. De Foe suys: When any
one bought Il joint Of meat he WOULD not
take II out of the butchers hand, but
took ii Off the hooks himself ON the
other hand, the butcher would not
touch the money, but put it into II pot
full Of vinegar which he kept for the
purpos,. This must surely have been
seen by the child and remembered. II
happened in his fathers shop before his
eyes"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
Finishing Natures Job
The Majors Legs Were Too Short. hut
Shell Lensthened Them

In this town | am staying Mt the
Eagle hotel, hostclry that would
probably carry you back TO your boy
hood days. It's the kind where one
roller towel does duty for every one In
the wash room and big squire trough
filled with sawdust Is the general office
cuspidor There's no table In my room,
OF course, so I'm writing this on the
slanting pine board they call thc writ
ing desk listening to the shouts Of the
natives and the stories OF mine host,
Major Jagglns
The major Is n slabsidcd. lantern
jawed individual who got his title all
right IN the war, as his two cork legs
prove He's very tall man, and when
/ vcntured to remark on his unusual
height the crowd roared and voted that
/ was elected to buy" All strangers
buy on this particular proposition.
was told.
1t seems that Major Jaggins was a
regular sawed off before the war, and
he felt his lack of height kcenly, espe-
cially as he had soaring mind and
had 10 answer to the name of Stumpy.
But his time came At the bnttle OF
Cold Hurbor he had both legs taken OF
by shell When he came 10, he gave
yell of delight that paralyzcd the
nurses and nearly scared the rst OF
the hospital to death. He WAS 1ly
thinking OF what he was going 10 do
on tho leg matter. and he realized that
he wasn't going to be Stumpy Jaggins
any more. After he was cured he Just
gave his order to the cork leg people
to make him two Of the longest pins he
could stand up on. Consequently he
now walks the earth triile shakily.
to be sure but way above the general
run of mankind. and that's what he
likes. He swore he'd been short long
enough.
| simply mention the case of Major
Jaggins as reminder that nature
doesn't know everything and that art
sometimes has the last word.-trom
Letters From son to His Self Made
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30

Speaking of unpleasant surprises, an
Engllshmnn told of the one jonathan
Rochell got upon his deathbcd:
Jonathan, feeling that the end was
near, gave few words of parting nd
vice TO his young wife. He had Il bach
elor friend named Howard. steady
fellow, and the thought came 10 his
mind rs he was concluding his farewell
talk that If Kate, after he was gone.
would marry Howard 1t would be n
good thing. lie told her this.
"'kate, woman he said. 1t would
please me dearly If ye was to promise
t. take mp WI Howard when I'm gone
Don't ye worry about that, Jointly
says Kate I'm n soothing way. Me and
Howard have already settled 1t be-
twIAt u.s."
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
WISDOM OF NOVELlSTS.

The great thing to learn of life is not
to be afraid of 1t. jerome X. Jerome.
Audnclty stands In the place of am
ccstors to those who ARE not well born.
--Lucus ClcVc
All knowledge Is gain, even the
knowledge of evil. Like eating olives,
1t prepares you for the next course
6. II. Burgin.
If II woman wasn't handicapped by
her affection or need of II, the clever
est ehnp In Chrlstendom would be just
bit of putty In her hands.-George
Egerton,
There are only three men of whom 1t
may safely be predicted TINT they will
make their mnrk In the world-the
man who cannot write, the miller and
the chimney sweep.-Frankfort Moore.
The life of every man is II diary in
which lie means to write one story and
writes another, and his humblest hour
| Is when he compares the volume as it
Is with that he vowed to make 1T.
NJ Barrie
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30

Bushfulncss is natural to youth.
"Modcsty is the graceful, calm. virtue
Of maturity; baShfuness the charm of
vivacious YOUTH and unless II young
man takes advantage of opportunities
of entering society he Will retain AN
air Of bashfuncss. which is IN reality
the want of habitual intercourse with
the world" tWaVerlcyl. As long ago ns
1870 Ascham wrote that IF young
gentleman be bashfull and soon blush
they call him II babishe and i'll brought
UP thyng." Deficient social education
Is therefore cnusc of bashfulncss
Habit also prcdisposes to It. \ mere
lndiSpostion to exert oneself, INDUCED
in for too long time, may eventually
result in confirmed bashfuness. This
Indifference may be due to n want Of
sympathy with the surroundings or
may have its origin in unalloycd self
ishness for many bHshful men are eX-
tremely selfish or may be due to VIII
ity.-C aSsclfs.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30

But somehow can't help thinking
of old Elder BlIvins of the little New
Hampshire town where We used to 20
summers before you got very rich. You
remember the elder II tall. thin man.
with conscience rs highly developed
preached mighty powerful sermon ON
gambling. and the way he did sock 1t
at the sinners made my young blood
run cold. There happened 10 be sew
eral summer visitors in his congrcga-
ton that day. among EN- Colonel Por-
ter. II big stockbrolier of Boston. but
more He declared that the stock mar.
ket WAS run by the devil in person
and that every man who took part in
those hideous games of chance was
professionally and teetotally damned
1t was IL sCorChcr and the dcnConS
congratulated him SO heartily after the
service Tint he naturally looked for
fifty dollar raise In his salary, which
was Just then running more 10 pota-
toes than his needs seem to warrant.
Colonel Porter looked little hot I'M
der the frying. but he didn't make a
fool of himself 10y going out.
About the middle of the week the
church had Il grand fair and sale for
the purpose of raising funds TO mend
the chimney. There We're candy tables,
flower tables and knit goods tables,
kissing BOOTHS lemonade stands. cider
stands and coffee stands. But the
crowds were always around the grab
bag and the place where tickets We're
sold for the grand drawing" of IL piece
of Rogers statunry representing two
old dodgers ut hcartbrcaking game
Of checkers.
Colonel Porter WIS on hnnd, us chip
per MS a lark. spending money like Il
hero and earning the blessings of all
the Indies. He kept away from the
grab bag until he saw Elder Bllvins
standing by. ind then lie smiled up. He
allowed that he wanted the gold ring
that was snid to be IN the bag. and he
paid his money and took IL draw. He
got birch bark napkin ring He'd with
yellow ribbon.
"rshaw, elder" said the colonel, lock
lug old Blivins right in the eye. this
Is IA hideous game of chnnce!
The elder blinked moment ny If he
were trying To think of something. but
he never ylpped.
Come ON, elder" said the colonel
heartily. Il want that Rogers group
the worst way. One of the old bucks
looks just like my grandfather used 10
when grandmother wigged him. I'm
willing to gamble good and hard for
that group I'll tnkc"-
Put up your filthy lucre. sir!' shout
ed the elder. The devil doesn't run this
church, and there Isn't going TO be any
drawing" So saying he knocked of
one of the heads of the Rogers group
with his cane, kicked the grab bag
down the cellar door, ordered the crowd
TO vamoose put out the lamps and Lock
ed up the yestry. Then he disappeared
from public view until the following
Sunday, when he preached his mem
orablc discourse on the text, Let him
that standcth take heed lest he fall"
And they do say that Colonel Porter
put century run dollar bill into the
contribution box that day to make up
for the loss the fair sustained through
his little Joke on the parson.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
MONKEY MOTHERS.
They Display More Pure Affection
ThHn Any other Animal.

They Display More Pure Affection
Thnn Any other Animal.
\ wild beast tanner of long expert
Cnec tells some interesting things of
the affection Of animals for their
young. He had nm elephant once, he
says, Wha did all In her power 10 spoil
her young one. She fused over II and
cuddlcd 1t UP So that when the time
camc for II To leave the eagc 1t was
simply unmanugeahle. When one of
the men made Il bold move toward the
baby he was promptly butted in the
stomach and boWled over IN peculiar
way which the yOungstcr had of cx-
pressing his feelings toward those
whom he dislilicd. At last by ruso
the mother and son were separated.
But there WIS no such thing as keep
ing them apart The baby rubbed the
skin off It's forehead and trunk trying
TO get through the burs. and both
walled SO long and pitcously that the
keeper was obliged to put them to-
gcthcr again.
\ SHY baby camel that passed
through the hands of this same trainer
refused to look upon the world except
from It's fnvorltc station between its
mothers legs The mother, too, would
show her dIsplcusure at any effort to-
ward intimacy by splitting violently Mt
every opp In sight
The kangaroo also Is very fond of
her offspring and VIII patiently carry
"a n ~ 10 1R 10 n
Its OWL account.
llut for II display of pure affection
the mother monkey beats any other
animal, and when there Is an addition
10 the family circle there is general re
jolelng. \ baby monkey sticks fast by
its mother, and, asleep or awake, 1t
seems always in her thoughts.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
II,e InIY- hnrrnna.

II IS hardly IN cNaEgerntion to say
TINT the Koreans are the LATEST people
on earth All day long they lie about
the streets smoking their gigantic
pipes. \ native pipe Is II six foot length
of bamboo, with Il metal bowl, and Is
carried tucked into the neekband and
down the trousers leg. All work of very
nearly every Kind Is done by the WON
en-, who occupy perhaps the most de
graded position held by the sex of any
nation The unfortunate female popu-
lation Is collectively beast of burden
and denied even the most elementary
recognition rs human beings \ Ko-
rean girl has no name. She Is merely
known as daughter of So-and So" her
father
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
BANK WORRIES.
How One Clerk Fretted Whole
Year All For Nothing.


An ex bank official said that during
his career in the banking business he
had known more than one employee
of bank to get into trouble ON ac-
count of carelessness in handling
money.
One collector, who was Il light heart
ed fellow, was going along the street
in high water season Tipping up a
twenty dollar piece with his thumb
and finger and catching 1t as 1t came
down. Finally 1t slipped and fell
through II grating on the sidewalk into
about two feet of water. He made
some efforts to recover it, but finally
decided 10 wait TIL the water was
gone, and then 1t was found that the
coin was also gone. Another time the
same fellow was coming up the street
with $4,000 In twenty dollar pieces
on his shoulder. In some way he lost
his hold on the sack, and In striking
the sidewalk 1t burst, and the coins
rolled IN all directions. a number of
people rushed TO his assistance, but he
described Il large circle around the
sack and, waving his arms wildly, or
dercd everybody to ''stand back" He
recovered most of the coin, but decided
10 get out of the banking business
Another time Il Chinaman came into
the bank and deposited $500 and took
Il certificate of deposit The clerk
who made out the certificate was pre-
occupied and wrote $1,000 on 1t and
on the stub. When he made up his
cash ut night he was 81 500 short. He
knew where the mistake was and tried
TO hunt UP the Chinaman; but, al
though he got Il clcw, he could never
find him, and he remained 81, 500 short
on the books. He had n notice of the
date of the certificate, amount etc,
pasted In his desk and was always on
the lookout to catch the certificate as
II came In, Just Il year from the day
the deposit was made the Chinaman
walked Into the bank and presented
the certificate TO be cashed When
| asked how much he wanted he said
| oil 5000. He had never noticed the
| mistake In the amount of the certltl
| cate. and he has never found 1t out,
and the clerk suffered the worry of be
Ing short In his mind for Il whole year
all for nothing Portland Oregonian.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
BLUE GRASS


In Indiana.
~ great many people contend that
blue grass was first found in Ken
lucky" said an eminent Indiana geolo-
EiSt, but this is not SO. Blue grass
is native of the Wabash valley, in
Indiana. 1t was found by William
Henry IIarrlseH's troops during that
solemn march Ia Tppccanoe in ISL.
Harrison gathered small army Mt
Ohio Falls and started north. At Vim
ccuncs the gallant heroes realized That
they could not 20 2eo miles up the
Wabash without feed for their horses.
General Harrison had two cribs of
corn at Herre lIautc aud persuaded the
men To 90 on. rs they came on with
hungry horses and scant feed they
found the ground covered with blue
grass.
six miles west of Newport, ON the
Collect farm, VAS found hountiful
supply of blue grass. Some places In
the bottom 1t MAS growing three feet
high, and such feed had never been
heard of hy the kentucky soldier. At
State Line city more blue grass was
found, and from there to fippecanoe
the whole line of march WAS covered
With blue grass.
The seed WAS carried back to Ken
lucky and soWn there. but they could
not make II thrive alone in the warm
soil and II had to he soWn with outs
nud rye. Mr., Sandusky told me in nm
early day that no blue grass grew In
Kentucky untlI after II WIS imported
from Indiana. Tom Downing of Terre
llautc wis an ardent admircr of Hen.
~ clay and once went to visit him ut
his home near Ashland, Ky. After
seeing the fine farm we'll set in blue
grass Downing suggested that Mr..
Clay let him have some of the seed to
take back to Indiana.
"'Tom. don't make fool of your
self said Clay. The grandslre of
Kentucky blue grass Is growing
around your house and In the fence
corners of your fields. We got the
seed from Terre llaute and the mid
die Wabash and after hard struggle
got II To grow here In It's present lux
urieusness.' indianapolis Journal.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30

down to the dangerous deeps, noisome
and cold. Billy heard 1t coming, and
shouted up:
in time. thank God, hear moans!'
Then he gave great inarticulate cry.
There, clinging to the rough rock wall,
was Amy, five feet above the glimmer-
ing water which Tapped something
dark and limp.
Here, you! Take her up!' he cried
hoarsely. outstanding his breath all he
might He had come to the thick, dead
ly damp. Unless he was quick and
bold 1t would make an end of him, as
1t had possibly already made an end
of poor. light hearted Jock. Clinging
fast with one hand, his feet well braced
across the well breadth, he swung Amy
UP with the other into young Alan
sons hold. The others knew enough TO
pass her on up and out. Drawing IL
long, long breath. Billy leaped down
beside the insensible figure ut the bot
tom, caught 1t up and began II desper-
ute ascent.
''lIoh hard, Billy. I'm coming To
help. young Alanson cried, setting his
feet firmly and bending until his bend
was almost level with them. Thus he
grlpped Jocks collar and somewhat
eascd the strain on Billy. Both We're.
however, so near tn Smothcring their
tense muscles gave down Lights
SWAIN before their eyes; their heads
We're bursting; the subtle heaviness In
chest and nostrils numbcd them To the
bone. Alanson felt himself almost fall
Ing when II rope struck his hand. flung
with such force ii almost drew blood
"Send up, Jock Wen pull you two
out safe" the men higher up cried To
them and then, when they saw their
plight. came down like Trojnns 10 help.
1t was little short of II miracle that any
of the three got out alive. But some
how, 10y the good Gods mercy. they
all came into reviving upper air. Jock
Ind the face of a dead man AT sight
of him Amy fell To sobbing lie he
lifted me up and babe me cling" she
said brekenly but stayed ON the bot
tom himself because there was not
room for two to hold In the erevice of
the wall"
HE won't die for It," Or. Payne
said, looking up from his patient. Billy,
lying spent aud white upon the grass,
beekoned Amy imperatively to him.
You must marry me right off" he
said, patting her hand. After this |
dare not trust you with Yourself
Nor l." Amy said, Nesting to him.
You were horribly foolish to take such
risks for me, BILLY. 1t is only by stny-
Ing with you can make sure you Will
never do II again"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
An AnecdOtc of PIT.

A certain Mrs beaumont of BRETON,
England, who lived In the time of Pitt
and whom the possession of lead mines
made wealthy and purse proud, one
dry thought to Impress Pitt, who was
staying Mt BRETON, with her riches.
She had most splendid service of
plate at dinner, and, waving her hand.
she said There, Mr.. Pitt: that's all
from the mines"
"Indccd," answered Pitt IF you had
not told me. Mrs. beaumont, l should
have thought 1t was silver"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30

An absurd carlcuture of James Rus
sell Lowell appeared In Harvard pa
per soon after he had accepted his pro
fessorshlp. Some one venturcd to ask
him how he liked 1t, to which he re-
piled that he was glad TO see that the
artist had kindly permitted him to
wear plaid trousers, an innocent fancy
of his to which Mrs. Lowell most
strongly objected
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
II All Depended.

"Bon't we 20 any highcrf" asked the
facetlous guest IN the hotel when tho
elevator stopped Mt the twenty fourth
floor.
"Not unless the elevator drops, slr,"
answered the truthful elevator boy
Judge
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
carpenters Grow,ns Union.

The last report Of the officers Of the
brotherhood Of Carpenters and JoIncrs
OF America, Just issued. gives very fiat
tering reports of the progress made by
the international body during the last
year, gain of 800 local unions aud
1861 members having been made in
that time. Nearly Sl,000,oo0 has been
paid out to members In the past TWEEN
ty ycnrs In the way Of sick and out OF
work benefits and to the heirs Of mem
bers on account OF death.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30

81 never heard Dinsmore ncknowi-
edge that lie was growing old before
today"
"IIow did he acknowledge itf"
"lIc announced that he felt just as
young as he ever did. Detroit Free
Press.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
For the Lands snLe,

Uncle George Have you heard the
news? Tom Tyler is going to marry
Tillie West. Aunt Hannah For the
land's sake. Uncle George Yes; |
guess you're right. Tillie owns some
very valuable rcal estate. - Boston
Transcript
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-03-30
Adv lee.

"Two folks said Uncle Eben, lis
bound 10 git Into trouble de man dat
won take no ndyicc at all an de man
dat tries to take all he hears. Wash
ingtnn star.