The Greeley tribune., 1904-12-01
Satiricus Is Thankful
But His Turkey Disasresins
with Him. He Finds Fault
To The Tribune :

thankful spirit, but alas, my turkey
with its rich dressing and the accom-
panying sauce gave me tit of the
dyspepsia which staid with me the
balance of the week, and l am now
disposed to retort upon the world
and society IN general.
For one thing l should like to in
quire about our Gas" Has any
thing happened to it? Not OF course
the gas itself, or to its beniticient
flame, but to the comapny which
dispenses the subtle fluid. heard
there had. And our Independent Tel
ephone company. Has the clear ring
ing Bell" swallowed it? ! heard
it did, but could hardly believe the
rumor. And our beloved starch fac
tory-that was to be; has it to use
one of our own nauiye and melifuous
phrases, gone up the flume' after
more water, or did it perish in our
home reservoir" from too much
water? In the language of the i'm
mortal bard of Avon, Can such
things be, and overcome us like
summer cloud?"
/ came very near getting in on
the ground floor on starch myself.
a gold brick has peculiar fascina-
tions for me, and appeals to me
usually in an irrisistable manner, and
so when the newly formed company
published that glowing prospectus,
with its assurance of thirty per cent
per an. and offering me besides a
hundred dollars in stock, free for
every hundred dollars worth of its
bonds l would buy the bare chance
of getting something for nothing
was very convincing and l was just
about to open my purse strings and
take in the glittering bait, when l
noticed that common United States
steel had dropped from tifty-seven
cents to fifteen, per share all on ac-
count of too much water. Then
the ship building trust had but re-
Gently gone the primrose way to
everlasting BONFIRE from the same
cause, and its promoters were ever
then in court telling the truth about
one another. And Mr.. Lawson about
that time got into print and said
he could tell great deal about
amalgamated copper, and was going
to do it, which he since did. And
so with great reluctance l let 1.-The
chips pass in the night while l
went home ahd to bed, and thus
missed my opportunity.
ALLOW me, also, to inquire with
some solicitude concerning our cleo
trio street railway scheme. Is it
dead, or merely sleeping like Laz-
arus before resurrection, but stinking
even worse than was said of the late
lamented? Perhaps our city council
did not give the promoters sufficient
assets to bank ON. l advise that
the next time gushing genius of
this variety comes along they give
him a blanket franchise covering the
whole city instead of a beggarly half
dozen streets. When l was only
a poor hayseed farmer, instead of the
millionaire that | now am, con-
tented myself and my family with
plain common Arbuckle coffee, but
for long time now, only the best
of Mocha and old government Java,
mixed, could satisfy my palate.
But here comes this man Wiley, the
government expert on adulterated
foods, and after telling us that the
larger share of the coffee we use is
manufactured from bean dough,
pressed in mOulds, with cheap coffee
essence injected into it, and that
; there hasn't been fifty pounds of Java
or Mocha coffee imported into these
United States from any source in
ten years. Say now, give me some
Postum cereal or some rye, or burnt
crust coffee, or some barley Cruel
almost any old thing will do for me.
If there are any of these artificial
| products. however, that | especially
dote upon, they are the so-called
breakfast foods. And the latest is al
ways the best with me- am for
building up the brain cells and the
nerve tissues. | am particularly
afflicted with brain fag, and | noted
wonderful improvement In my
| symptoms until read an article
! from an expert recently who said
they cost three and three-quarters OF
a cent pound. Two ounces of al
most any of these predigested hum
bugs are claimed to equal pound
of porter house steak in purative
vale, and that is probably the reason
why they all fall short in weight.
Some Of them >ycipb I find tyolva