River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1904-11-03
TRIBULATiONS OF A GREAT
GRANDFATHER.

Uncle Gassaway Takes leave of His
AIton-With Some Reflections on the
Youths Propensity for Putting His
Foot in His Mouth.
Dear Attic:
In about two weeks the golden cord
that has bound us will be loosed, our
goose will be cooked our hides will be
nailed upon the White House wall and
circus posters will obliterate our por-
traits from the board fences and barn
doors of our beloved country. AS run
ming mates we will be run down. Like
Humpty Dumpty our fall will be our
last. for all of Hills heelers and all of
Tammany's men will not be able to set
US up again Bryan will see to that.
Oh shades of the mighty Buchanan,
Of which you remind me, you are so di-
aphanous, whatever induced you to pratt
tie about maladministration in the Phil
ippines? Didn't you know that Teddy
was loaded for bear on that issue? The
idea of an old judicial bird of wisdom
like you gettin' caught repeatin' Dick
Olney's joke about the Philippines cost
in $67O,O0O.O00. Why, an EAST river
shad, that don't know enough to hoe its
own roe, could have told you that was
lie.
Where. in the sacred name of Jimmy
Buchanan did you get the notion that it
cost us 100000 lives to get hold Of the
Philippine incubus? Even Bourke Cock
ran, who balks at facts like a cab horse
at oats because he is so unaccustomed
to them, never made such a break as
that Didn't you know we haven't had
half that many men in the Philippines
since Dewey entered Manila bay?
But I'm tired pumpin sense into a
head with a hole in the bottom large
enough to put a No. 10 boot in. | tell
you, Alton, if Pm ever nominated for
Vice President again it will be without
the consent of the governed.
It would have been thousands of votes
for the Democrats if you had been at
tackled with lumpy jaw, or lock jaw or
some other insurmountable impediment in
speech five minutes after sending your
gold brick telegram. Everybody then
said, '"The sphinx of Esopus" knows
when to speak and when to shut his
mouth.
The next thing we know you put your
foot in it over pension order No. IS, and
did not know enough to extract it or to
swallow it.
Next you put your other foot into the
same capacious orifce chargin' eXtrava-
gance in government expenses without
thinkin' that if there has been a dollar
wasted without Democrats votin' to
make it two. your uncle Gassaway hasn't
heard of it.
And now, like a quadruped with long
ears, you have put both hind feet in
with the aforementioned about the cost
Of the Philippines and the shameful rot
tenness of American rule there. Why
couldn't you stick to railin' about the
iniquity of governin' without the consent
of the governed, and the blessin's Of the
Constitution to cover the naked freedom
of the Filipinos?
Didn't you know that the man who at
tempts to hatch eggs he finds in mares
nests is apt to strike somethin' more
odorous than an omelette? That's what's
struck us ever since you addressed the
Avon Beach boomers, who ought to
wear boomers. / don't believe there is
enough musk in all Rosemount to neutral
ize the overpowerin' efiuvia of your care
fully prepared remarks.
Now, Alton, long farewell to all our
sudden and brief greatness. When, after
Nov 8, that weapon which comes down
as still as snowfakes fall upon the sod,
and executes a freeman's will as light
ming does the will of God-excuse my
breaking into poetry-when | say, that
weapon comes down and sewers the pipe
line that binds me to you, don't forget
that Truth crushed to earth will rise
again-but when it does you won't be
there. And should we be showed under
deeper than Horace Greeley, let us re-
member that there is nothin' like making
a record which will render us immortal
every four years. One who is about to
die politically salutes you. No more let
tiers, cheques or campaign speeches from
Your Uncle,
HENRY GASSAWAY.