The Starkville news. (Starkville, Miss.) 1902-1960, 1904-04-15
HowWe ApriI-Foole
Uncle Jed


Dads run away, and mas married 10
old man Higgins. Know old Higgins?
Wall. you'd ought to.
For downright, measly meanness, he
beats the band. No, he never stole any
cents off'n his grandmother's eyes. that
l know of, but he cuts his beard OFF
with mas scissors to save buying a
razor. and he'd grudge a tramp cat the
privilege of meyouing in his back
yard for fear she'd use up some of his
air
Uncle JED he lived in our house. He's
mas brother. Never had any wife,
cause he hates women 50. Ma says his
girl went back on him, and soured him
up when he was young. 1t must be
an awful thing to be soured when you
are young.
Ma says his girl was red headed and
freckle-faced. AS if any man would
be fool enough to mourn hisself bald
headed and rheumatic for red-head-
ed freckle-faced girl! Catch me!
But Uncle Jed's been courted con-
siderable Three widows have tackled
him and ever so many old maids. But
he's fit shy. Old Widow Dobson
thought she'd get him for sure last
winter, and kept sending him liniment
for his rheumatism. but when she or
fered to rub it onto his shoulders for
him. he drawed the line.
Maud's my sister. She is an awful
good fellow, and she and | manage to
make things pretty lively at our house
Eva. that's my Oldest sister, has got a
beau He's a regular one, and comes
every Thursday night and every Sum
day night, parts his hair in the mid
die. and smells like a drug shop-all
kinder cinnamony and spicy. You can
scent him a half-mile off. Old Hug
ins he erowIs so much about the kero-
sene that Eva buys candles. Some
times they don't light 'em. Anybody
can spoon in the dark, if it's neces-
sary, | s'pose.
It's fun to watch folks court. Maud
and | hide in the closet in the dining
room sometimes, and watch 'em court.
Once he told her she was sweet as a
rose. and graceful as deer, and pret-
tier than pink, an dearer than dla-
mond, And she said: "Oh. Willie, boy:
how can you?"
He said he could, and she said:
-.Now. Willie, you awful, dreadful,
wicked boy!"
Then he said for her to kiss him,
and she giggled and said she'd holler
for ma. but he did it, and she never
hollered a holler.
She sot down in his lap. and the
darning. needle that I'd put into the
rocking chair cushion got in its WORK.
Gee, You ought to have heard that
vonne man swear. Shook the house
and reused up old man Higgins, and
il took ma the rest of the night TO
soothe him of.
After Eva and her young man got
kinder calmed down, [ let OFF a bunch
of fire crackers, and flung 'em into the
room where they'd be likely to do the
most good, and-I had to stay shet up
tho next day, and never got any OF the
annie dumpling the folks had for din
ner. Crackee. Warnt | mad?
Rut | was going to tell you about
how we fooled Uncle Jed
led he said that he'd bet dollar
that there waren't nobody living that
could play any fool jokes on him. He
said he only wisht they'd try, and he
looked hard at Maud and me. l ex-
nect If was because last April fool day
Maud and me stretched stout string
outside of old Higgins chamber door;
the sullar stairs are right to the foot
of the hack stairs, and we left the sui
Ter door open. and old Higgins he
trimmed over the string and never let
mn fill he landed in the cistern in the
suller. which is right at the foot OF the
stairs. SOS to be handy.
Gee! What day that was at our
house, It was more'n three weeks be-
fore nv back got we'll, where the old
NON laced me with whip, but the
fun of seeing him go down was worth
It
Maud and I put our heads together,
md we agreed that we'd write two let
.ars-one to old maid Virgins over to
peaks Crossing and t'other to Uncle
Jed. %
Miss Virgins is bachelor girl OF
the first water, and she's that puckered
ond dried up that I should think she'd
he afraid to go to sleep for fear she'd
he an Egyptian mummy when she woke
up.
Maud said we'd get them two togeth-