The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1904-04-02
THE NONPAREJL MAN

THE NONPAREJL MAN
Science and Philosophy Of April FoolsDay
With Stories Of the Boy Who ToosSSthe
Hot Quarter and Of the Man Who Tried
s to Lift the Book Nailed to the Floor and
Thought That He had somethinu-An
Essay on the Art Of Making The UnI- s
verse Appear All Right.
Why is it that these April Fool affairs"
are tunny, no matter If they are worked
or last year, and the year before
that, and the one before that, and
l,so on back forever, to a>time to which
the memory of man runneth not? Thus
unused a thoughtful person as he
stood near an April fool candy depart.
watched all manner Of sensible people
| buying candy filled with SOAP cotton, sau-
sage and such. The fact is these things
aren't funny unless you are feeling in the
1 mo lor them. And If you are in
| the mood almost anything is funny
l-say a sermon, a tightly crowded;
street car, wind storm or heshy gen -
tleman skating on a banana envelope and
reaching madly out after nothing
One year long since when we were filled
1
patriot in this office laid on the floor dur
ing our absence book, lifted one cover
nailed the body of the book to the floor
and then dropped the cover thus conceal
ing the dreadful crime. When we came
In and attempted strenuously to lift the
book and. it wouldn't come loose and we
rushed cut to find doctor to take our
temperature for fear of fever and hall
luclnations, the office generally considered
this funny. When the sporting editor
Iac fh1Yyr1h
finger gave the office boy a; hot quarter
that had been heated in the boiler room.
telling him to go out and buy the sporty
gentleman cigar and to keep the change
and when the office boy lifted the quarter
and went up into. the air about a. foot
and nearly dislocated his shoulder in jerk
ing his arm away from it, the office found
Joy in this simple incident.
Why is hat with a paving brick under
it funny when kicked, which it never IS?
Or goat? Or COW? Take two girls,
who are ready to giggle and q simple cow
chewing her gum is a supremacy funny
sight: and good for a whole volley Of gigs
giles. [sf%:, 3
Fact is, it is all in the way you feel
{ AT another time this same cow under Diff
J ferent circumstances may be a most
mournful object and the sight Of the hat
with brick under it may bring to the
mind nothing but. gloom and dark despair
and doubt of the eternal fitness of a
universe that blossoms out into such
amazing rivialities when such stupendoua
tissues are at stake. II
If you aren't feeling all right, nothing
Is all right The kingdom Of heaven or Of
harmony Is within you, and If things ap-
pear "out Of whack' and everything looks
blue and Woody. this gives you good
hint where to go to work to straighteu
It out again. Two dollars, please.
Eicksy, the weather prophet, says there
mo- RI hn It'll
April. They can't kill anything around our
forty except a few fence posts, an ash
pile and three or four jack oaks that, were
already slightly frosted.
Professor Langley says that With s25 900
ne could n.y. The cashier Of our bank did
it back in the 'SO's.
There is good reason in the old belief
that when thirteen sit down te, table some
of them will die. There wert. never thir-
teen sat at table in this world yet up
to the year 1900, in the thousands and
thousands of years 1t has been spinning
down the ringing grooves Of change, with
out deaths occurring AMONG their num-
Der. - -
You ask why this column has come out
SO enthusiastically foI' Hearst for presi
y lsdent? 1t ought to he patent TO Won i,
1
self. It is all too plain that we cannot
elect a democratic president this year
nohoW. Roosevelt Is bound to sweep the
east and to set the Rocky mountains
afre IN the west, while the coast is so hot
1or MIN that the Pacific, ocean smokes
such being the case, we ask you as
business proposition why should we dem
ocrats put up q patriot like Parker o.
cleveland who. as soon as he Is nomi
mated, will retire to his library and lie
the boys thirst to death, when by nomi
mating blood like Billy Hearst, free beel
Will be on tap at every hamlet and cross
roads in this broad land of ours, from
ID PASSPORT Me-, to the Golden Gate. We
IN democrats may be defeated, but we mus
rs ltve.< Here is Mrs. Hearst agreeing to pu1
OF In q million dollars if her Willie is put ur
o. to be shot at and Willie has already adj,
o. vanced another million to obtain the
70 privilege Of being under fire. This ma,
90 not be craftsmanship. but it is practica
~ politics. We are for the Willy Wors
- barrel from stave ends to bunghole anC
h. you may count us in on the distribution
-, ~ or we will come OUT for Cleveland like
~ the insurance patrol answering still
:. alarm.
te In an article on est. Paul Men VIII,
. Write the st. Paul News has this bi
IA Of information:
Arthur Wheelock Epson, once connected wit
the st. Paul Book and Stationery company
no now engaged in literary work in the east ii
recently elaborated with" son of Presiden
ny Northrop OF the university in the publication
ny book OF poems. $50.
- The News ought to go away from towr
In to get the news.
nd A former congressman in Minnesota
~ who was always promising anything hi
- constituents asked before election, and a
"a. promptly forgetting it afterwards. agrees
%. to give a certain old farmer postoffice
Of After he was elected his anxiety for hi
rural friends preferment waned. In an
=. swer to several letters, the representa- civ
Nv finally had his secretary write a note t
the farmer stating that he could do moth
ing for him. This made the farmer 8
very warm that he smoked, and he q
once sat down and wrote the congress
man the following letter which is nor
e. printed In the Anoka Union and repro
by duced here in part: 49,, - ~
ae, Dear Sir: You're dam fraud, and 70
Of know it. don't care a rap for the postofhc
n or for the money there is in It, but I object
th being made an internal fool of. Soon as 30
|, - was elected by my Woodworking friends q fe
10 low wanted to bet me that you wouldn't be
~, the house moren q week before you made a al