River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1904-04-07
How We ApriI-F
Uncle Jed
BY CLARA AUGUSTA

J1nkS-cdiIed sam JlnKS, lot SHOTt.
Dads run away, and mas married to
old man Higgins. Know old Higgins?
Wall, you'd ought to.
For downright, measly meanness, he
beats the band. No, he never stole any
cents off'n his grandmother's eyes, that
| know of, but he cuts his beard off
with mas scissors to save buying
razor. and he'd grudge tramp cat the
privilege of meyouing in his back
yard for fear she'd use up some of his
air.
Uncle Jed he lived in our house. He's
mas brother. Never had any wife,
cause he hates women so. Ma says his
girl went back on him, and soured him
up when he was young. 1t must be
an awful thing to be soured when you
are young.
Ma says his girl was red headed and
freckle-faced. AS if any man would
be fool enough to mourn hissef bald
headed and rheumatic for red-head-
ed freckle-faced girl! Catch me.
But Uncle Jed's been courted con-
siderable. Three widows have tackled
him, and ever so many old maids. But
he's fit shy Old Widow Dobson
thought she'd get him for sure last
winter and kept sending him liniment
for his rheumatism. but when she Of
fered to rub it onto his shoulders for
him, he drawed the line.
Mauds my sister. She is an awful
good fellow, and she and l manage to
make things pretty lively at our house.
Eva, that's my oldest sister, has got
beau. He's a regular one, and comes
every Thursday night and every Sun
day night, parts his hair in the mid
die, and smells like drug shop-au
kinder cinnamony and spicy. You can
scent him a half-mile off. Old Hug
ms he growIs so much about the kero-
sene that Eva buys candles. Some
times they don't light 'em. Anybody
can spoon in the dark, if it's neces-
sary, | s'pose.
It's fun to watch folks court Maud
and | hide in the closet in the dining
room sometimes, and watch 'em court.
Once he told her she was sweet as
rose. and graceful as a deer, and pref,
tier than a pink, an dearer than dia-
mond. And she said: ooh, Willie, boy:
how can your
He said he could. and she said:
"Now. Willie, you awful, dreadful,
wicked boy!"
Then he said for her to kiss him,
and she giggled and said she'd holler
for ma, but he did it, and she never
hollered a holler.
She sot down in his lap, and the
darning needle that I'd put into the
rocking chair cushion got in its work.
Gee! You ought to have heard that
young man swear! Shook the house
and reused up old man Higgins, ana
it took ma the rest of the night 10
soothe him Off.
After Eva and her young man got
kinder Gained down, | let Off a bunch
of fire crackers, and flung EN- into the
room where they'd be likely to do the
most good, and-I had to stay shet UP
the next day, and never got any OF the
apple dumping the folks had for din
rer Crackee! Warn't I mad?
But | was going to tell you about
how we fooled Uncle Jed.
Jed he said that he'd bet dollar
that there waren't nobody living that
could play any fool jokes on him. He
said he only wisht they'd try, and he
looked hard at Maud and me. l ex-
meet # was because last April fool day
Maud and me stretched stout string
outside of old Higgins chamber door;
the suller stairs are right to the foot
of the back stairs, and we left the sui
Ter door open, and old Higgins he
tripped over the string and never let
I'M fill he landed in the cistern in the
suller which is right at the foot of the
stairs, SOS to be handy.
Geel What a day that was at our
house, It was more'n three weeks be-
fore nv back. got well, where the old
man laced me with whip, but the
fun of seeing him go down was worth
it.
Maud and I put our heads together,
and we agreed that we'd write two let
fers-one to old maid Virgins over to
Peaks Crossing and tother to Uncle
Jed
Miss Virgins is a bachelor gill OF
the first water. and she's that puckered
and dried up that should think she'd
he afraid to go TO sleep for fear she'd
he an Egyptian mummy when she woke
up.
Maud said we'd get them two togeth-
er down in Robinson park, and see
what they'd say, when they found out
1t was all fool joke.
wrote the letter to her and it read
thusly:
s.Ngv RESPECTED and Adored Madam: For
a long. long time have worshiped you afar
off and my beating heart has nearly leaped
OFT of my bosom whenever you have passed
by! Oh how love you! would gladly lay
oivself and my fortune-ffteen hundred
thousand dollars of it-at your feet! If you
think kindly of such devotion, meet me at
he big elm in Robjnson's park, Tuesday
evening a. eight O'Clock. Wear a red rose
In your bosom. Your devoted a6mirer.
- -"
We gave Mulligan's boy, Tim, three
marbles and big chew of spruce gum to
carry it over to Miss Virgins house and
tuck it under the door.
Maud and l together composed the
letter to Uncle Jed.
We wrote it on pink stationery, and
scented it with vanilla essence out of one
of mas cooking bottles:
s'HIghly Respected and Honored Sir:
Pardon humble and ador,ng female who
for many years has adored you, but must
speak or diel l am young and conhGing,
and l have gold uncounted at my command
1t shall. be all yours if only YOU will take
hos Nd low lob oh