The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1904-01-10
The Man Who Sold His Right Ear
Lzin, Compiled from the Almost Verscou Mem
George Randolph Chester

reason Alonzo Rust sold his
right ear was just because of his
y ALFRED laziness. There never
EETTrN5 was but one man lazier than
49, Alonzo, and that man died be-
cause eating made his jaws tired. Alonzo' S
mother, now, was different. She was such
an everlasting worker that one day. after
scrubbing offices from to a. m, washing
clothes from a. IN. until noon, when she
got dinner for Alonzo. ironing from 1 until
6, when she got supper for AlonZo, and
sewing from until 3, her main shafting
broke, and she inconsiderately died.
Alonzo never quite forgave her for that.
Nurtured in comfort as he was. the world
seemed as gloomy and forbidding as Pro-
hibition caucus in Kentucky. 1t looked Ike
a case of work or starve, and there is no
telling what might have become of the poor
orphan If Doctor Dunnerundbltz, the
famous specialist, had not advertised for an
ear The doctor picked Alonzo out from
the throng with a glance, and invited him
into the operating room, where he dis
robed him and examined him as he would
q horse.
Zach Himmeli" exclaimed the doctor,
rubbing his hands with delight. Such a
lofely ear und a body of such a perfect
ness. Herr Vantackle," he called. opening
the door that led into his private office,
''kommen sic out und your ear compare to-
gedder yet nit desc beautiful eggsample."
Reggie VantacKle STROBE into the room
and grabbed Alonzo by the right ear. He
pulled and jerked and stretched it. and
twisted it like a piece of rubber; then he
prodded Alonzo's muscles and stepped back
to look him over.
Seems like a good, tough ear" he re-
marked.
Its a good ear for music, too, they say,
Alonzo put in, thinking 1t was time to put
all his best points foremost.
That's right, old man, boost a little. !"
said Reggie. with a smile. II want to use
it. though, in a football scrimmage. where
lost my own, and 1 don't care whether it
knows a bagpipe from a hand organ, just
so it's a good locker and will stand the
wear and tear. Is it a match, Doc?"
I'D iss two matches, yust as same as two
Cinnamon ISIS alike. alreatty!'' replied the
doctor, with enthusiasm.
as his blood good?'
"Maknificendly."
"Then you win" said Reggie to Alonzo
DOC says il will take about ten days TO
graft it on, then it's you to the old home
stead with five thousand simoleons and a
fancy rubber ear that's being made Tor you,
and me to the gridiron to lose few more
features, L suppose"
So AlonZo was saved from starvation.
The next morning the doctor strapped them
to a double couch, head to head, and began
the operation. 1t was like a nice job as
night Waterman to Alonzo, for all he had
TO do was to lie without moving for ten
days They woke him up, now and then,
to feed him on luxures, but that was about
all the annoyance he had. You see he had
a fine, healthy body that had never been
racked by physical-culture foolishness, a
digestion that had never been ruined by
health foods or dieting, and nerves that had
never been worn by thought or worry, so II
was nice and restful.
But Beggie Vantackle was a case. That
pampered young millionaire had lived such
a restless and energetic life that after the
first day, he started in to "cuss' often
as he opened his eyes and kept at ii till he
swore himself to sleep. He begged and
prayed with tears in his eyes to just get
one arm out, a leg loose SO he could
kick, and when he couldn't he would start
in on the doctor. He cursed the doctor VI
one side and down the other, then. he az
athematiZed the doctors university, his fel-
low-students and the entire faculty. Then
he turned his attention to the doctors fam
lily, immediate and remote, his ancestry
and his posterity Then he spread To the
entire German nation, winding up with the
Kaiser.
Alonzo, his past present and future, his
sires to the tenth generation and his sons
forever came in for the next all-rOund exc
Grafton, but 1t never faxed AlonZO, so Reggie
turned his attention to the nurse, the cook
the passers-by on the street and then, by
gradually widening circles, TO the entire
universe. When there wasn't anybody else
10 damn he began all over again.
The doctor was a sOciable sort WheT
he had time he came I'm and helped Reggie
swear, and they put up a duet of profanity
in tNx-n1 live Ia a nd a
ones, that would have made an experienced
and accomplished railroad brakeman give
one gasp of envy, wave for down brakes anC
drop dead Between the two they had every
thing pretty we'll covered when the doctor
discovered that the exercise kept the cal
from knitting properly, so he bound up poo
Reggie.s jaws and the only thing left 70
the suffering and vigorous millionaire TO d'
was to bat out his imprecatiOns. in tn,
Morse telegraph code. with his eyelids.
At last, however, the ear was nicely trans
ferred. They woke AlOnzO and gave hin
his money, and Reggie Vantackle dashe,
out and fourteen miles to timber up
Alonzo was homeless but ne dragged him
self out on the sidewalk and hailed a pass
ing hack. 1t was a comfortable hack ant
Alonzo lived in ii three days and nights, I'll
the driver got him settled down. Alonz,
just stayed in the hack and slept while tn
driver looked at fats and finally rented one
he stayed I'm the hack while the drive
brought him his meals; he sat still and slep
while the driver bought the furniture, had /
installed and hired a hOuSekeeper and
valet; then he had himself carried upstair
into his comfortable home and went to bed
At last AlOnZO was living, He smoke,
some and read a little. ate considerably an,
slept n lot. lie lived two years like that an,
then his money gave out
A kind Providence however, seemed to b.
watching over AlOnZo Rush for. just at thi
distressing juncture, Reggie Nantackle hav
ing left college, broke a leg while payinj
polo and it had TO be amputated. His frs
thought was Of AlonZo and ne had the doc
tor TO look him up. Alonzo had just broker
his last SO bill and was almost ready 10 be
gin worrying when the doctor walked int
his apartments.
'Mein freund, want your leg" said tn
doctor
hip or knee?" asked Alonzo.
Won der hip downwards-for Herr Van
tackle"
How much?"
''Youst like the last time. yet Funf thu
sand tOlar ind a peaudifuh cork leg mi
which you can lance chigs."
Same price a common ear. ehT' ex
claimed Alonzo. we didn't play then. Mr.
Snlcklefritz. Ten thousand dollars-fv
thousand a joint-Or no dickeri That
Aionzoi'
"PutZ-tausand-nOch- aln-malr" spluttere
the doctor. Well | see you again"
AlonZo had a notion to call him back bu
he felt that he had the market cornered ol
merchandise that just suited. so he hel,
stin 10 the price. and he got IL. Reggie
when the operation was over. was tickle
TO leath with his new leg. II was a lttl
beefv but by the time he trained the IA