The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1904-04-24

imam 10 see prominent man 10
wrong, and that is not to see
If1.n$1 him go wrong" announced Judge
Twinkle, as he beckoned the club
waiter. TAKE John Alexander Elijah the
| Third General Overseer Dowie for instance
| He is the most colossal disappointment of
| the twentieth century. We get up every
morning hoping TO find that he has at last
| stolen the funds of Zion and disappeared
| with a villainous 'ha hav to spend his ILL
| gotten gains in riotous living. We have
| never been able to properly make up our
minds whether he is really a crank or
| Napoleon of swindlers, but we naturally
hope that he will turn out to be the
| latter
Just you cross your fingers and keep
| your good eye Prophet-and-loss Dowie
you say as you push back your coffee cup
and light your garbage-wagon cigarette
| He's the only real genius America has
developed since Get-rich-quick Miller went
to the penitentiary. When he gets all
he can carry he will make the Missouri
| Legislature the Minneapolis Council and
the Philadelphia ring look like collection
| of village horse traders Then you figure
| out how many tons of gold he is carrying
| around on his person at the present min
| ute.
Maybe so and maybe not He's got the
| chance, and if he don't it We'll prob
| ably never forgive him. 1t is my opinion,
however. that this self-appointed side part
ner and exclusive financial secretary of the
| Deity is merely an incarnation of our be-
| ginning of the-century spirit of strenuos-
ity. Nothing on earth approaches him ex-
| cept bunch of cannon firecrackers or
safety valve of toy engine-always pop
| ping off whether he has a full head of
| steam up or not
| you're a miserable sinner. burn you.
says Dowie, grasping you gently but firmly
| by the throat.
~ am that say you, for once telling
the truth and being proud of it, for every
man likes to be thought more or less wicked
now and then.
leone then and be saved says the Ma
poleon of Mysteries gripping his fingers a
little tighter. Sell all your property. give
me the coin because 1 need the money.
come unto Zion City and starve to death.
| Hallelujahv
81 will notr you say, you being unre-
| generate and past saving.
Then YOU are a mean, ornery, con-
| temptible, low-lived, knock kneed, cross
| eyed. chickcn-livered skunk! says the
| Prophet of the Lord, shaking you till your
eyes pop out of your head. I nope you
| choke. You're going plumb to Sheol and
| I'm glad OF it, Hallelujah!
| Then the great exponent of religion for
revenue only goes on his way re of ing;
| City for fresh tithes. Bless the man. he is
| only playing the part he was cut out for.
being what he is? The only thing that ever
| worries him Is an occasional recollection OF
| the wasted years before he found cut he
| was Elijah and entitled TO have the ravens
feed him on porterhouse steaks, paid for
| by people who never ins their lives sank
their teeth into anything better than
| neck.
'''Mr. Dowie. / should like a little inter-
| view on your peaceful past says the rep
| resentative of a sinful and fact-seeking
newspaper. have just learned the truth
| about you.
= If you have learned the truth about
it's all a pack of lies! screams Brother
Dowie, turning purple IN the face. And
per are a set of thieving back-biting, lep-
rous, indecent, lOw-browed. lantern-jawed,
pin-headed rowdies and cutthroatsi L shall
issue Immediate orders for you to be con-
signed to the hottest corner In Hades!
| Hallelujah"
| and prize collector told the people they
were miserable sinners. and they replied TO
| him with deceased cats He invited them
| 10 come and be saved ana they pasted MN
| with decayed vegetables. Following up his
| successful American methods, he called
| them a generation OF dlaboHcal, internal,
| vicious and VenomOuS vlperS and, utterly
| disregardine his gentle message of saliva
| ton and love divine, they lambasted him
| with rotten eggs. Truly prophet is with
| out honor in his own country
| He intended to general oversee India
little next but grown wise by his Austria
liam experiences, he sent few scouts on
| ahead and they reported that the car OF
| Juggernaut was being creased up for his
| especial benefit and that the reception he
got in Melbourne was kindergarten morn norm,
ing song to what he would get In the land
| of the Rajahs. And still we call the natives
| of India unciviliZed.
the Knave and the Land of the Spree, and
| he announces that he will go UP into Utah
| and convert the Mormons. The idea OF
| Dowie mingling boards in hot argument
| with President Smith, and trying to wean
| that eminently respectable old man from
| the error of his ways, including his five
| wives, mis- forty-twO children, and grand
| children in proportion. IS too good to be
| true Ii is an advertising scheme worthy
| of Barnum himself, but ii won't reinstate
| him We are too much disappointed with
! him. We have not forgiven him yet for not
| getting away with that 100000 in gold
we loved TO imagine he lugged on board
| the ship when he started for Australia.
| Nothing less than the complete conversion
| of the United States Senate would restore
him to favor with us. and even that might
| not succeed. Anyhow, he would scarcely
| care to tackle the job.
| The most striking instance of the clOven
| hOOf IL pilgrims sandals | ever saw was
| the case OF Zachariah Hobbs. who con-
| taminated the earth In the neighborhood of
| Grassville about the time l was feeling COR
fuZz on my upper lip. lacks father before
| him was clOse-fisted that he never
| dotted his is crossed his is on ac-
| count of the extra ink il took, but lack
| went so far ahead of his sire in his es-
| pecial brand of meanness that the old man
| himself called him stingy. The older Zeke
| got the stingier and more grasping he
| grew. until in his old age he was such a
| scrimp that they did say he only breathed
| with one lung at time 20 save wear and
| tear on the other one
Right next TO lacks place the Widow
| Holiday owned rich little farm so plas-
| tered over with mortgages that the
| could hardly shine through them to the
| wheat. lack managed TO hold most of
| these mortgages, and he laid awake OF
| nights coveting that farm hard that it
| gave him ingrowing toe nails. The widow.
| however, always managed 10 disappoint
him by coming to the front with the money.
| right on the day. and the last time she did
! this lack got so mad he slipped a cog
| somewhere his inside and had
| tack OF gizzard failure. Doe Peaberry said
II must be that. because he didn't have
heart. At any rate, ZaciS was scared green