Fergus County argus. [volume] (Lewistown, Mont.) 1886-1946, 1904-03-09
'ARTEMUS WARD
ON MORMONISM
Humorist Gives Some Of the Tribula.
tions Of Brigham Young and His
Eighty Wives.
CURSED THEIR REVELATIONS
The Jocular Art Politely Refused to
larry in the Land Of Polygamy,
Though Strongly Urged.

mus Ward" visited Salt Lake City
and, in later years, wrote many hui
morous sketches of the Mormons and
their ways, the following Of which is
the best known:
It is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as |
very we'll remember. since | crossed
the Planes for Kaliforny, the Brlte
land of Jold. While crossin the
Planes all so bold | fell in with some
red men of the forest IN. B. This
is wrote sarcasticul. Injins is Pizin,
whar ever found. which they Sed |
was their Brother. & wanted for to
smoke the Calomel OF Peace with me.
They then stole my ierkt beef, blank
it's, etsettery. skalpt my organ grind
err & scooted with a Wild Hoop. Dur.
in the Cheats techin speech he sed
he shood meet m in the Happy
Huntin Grounds. If he duz thare will
be a fife. But enuff of this ere.
/ arrove at Salt Lake in doc time,
At camp Scott there was a lot of U.
S. sogers, hostensibly sen out thale
to smash the but really to
eat Salt vittles & play poker & other
beautiful but somewhat onsartin
games. | got acquainted with sum OF
the officers. Thay lookt putty
scrumpshus in their Bloc coats with
brass outings onto UNI & ware very
talented drinkers, but so fur as fitin
is consumed I'd willingly put my
wax fggers agin the hull party.
My desire was to exhibit my CRATE
show in Salt Lake City, so | called
on Brigham Yung, the great mogulI
among the mormins, and axed his per
mishun to pitch my tent and onfurI
my banner to the ientle breezis. He
few minits, and sed:
"Do you bleeve in Solomon, Saint
Paul, the immaculateness of the Nor
min church and the Latter-Day Rev
elashuns?"
See |, I'm on it," | make il a pin
to git along plesunt, tho | didn't know
what under the Son the old teller wa:
drivin at. He sed | mite show.
you air a marrid man, MisteI
Yung, | bleeve?" seq I. preparin t
rite him sum free parsis.
81 hev eighty wives. Mister Ward
| sertinly am marrid.'
How do you like it as fur as 70,
hev got?" sed l.
He sed ''middlin,' and axed me
wouldn't | like to see his famerly, L
which | replide that | wouldn't min,
minglin with the fair Seek & Barskil
in the winnin smiles of his interestil
wives. He accordingly took me I,
his Scareum. The house is powerful
big & in a exceedin large room wa
his wives & children, which larst wa
squawkin and hollerin enuff to TAX
the root rite off the house. The wimil
was of all sizes and ages. Sum wa
pretty and sum was Plane-sum wa
healthy and sun was on the Wayn
which is verses, tho SIGH was no
my intentions, as | don't prove @
putin verse in Proze ritins, tho c
occashun requires | can jerk a Poir
ekal to any of them Atlantic MONTH
fellers.
my wives, Mister Ward" sal
Yung.
Your sarvant. marms," sed /, as
sot down In a cheer which a rel
heded female brawt me.
asDn,tJl, kLne. ,.;,,., So. - -.
Mister Ward" sed Yung, Il he
eighty more in varis parts of this cor
secrated land which air Sealed I o me.
Which seq |, gittin up & start
at him.
Sealed. Sir. sealed"
WHARF bowts?" seq l..
\ Il sed, sir, they was sealed" II
I spoke in a traggerdy voice.
WIFI they probly continner on
I that stile to any CRATE extent. Sir
axed.
Sir" sed he, turnin as red as
\ billed beet, don't you know that tn
4 rules of our church Is that I, the Pr,
: MT. may hev as many wives as
4 wants."
"Jes So" | sed. You are old pi
! amt you?
Them as is Sealed to me-that
= to say. to be mine when | wants UNI
air at present my sperretooul wives
u said Mister Yung.
: Long may they wave" seq |. see
( shood git into a scrape eff | didn
look out.
In a privit convarsashn with Bri
4 ham | learnt the follerin fax:
= takes him six weeks to kiss his wive
= He don't do It only onct a yere
SEE 1t is wuss nor cleanin house. +
y don't pretend to know his childre
thare Is so many of UNI, tho they 8
= know him. He seq about every chi
y he meets calls him Par. G. he takes
4 for granted 1t is so. His wives a
= very expensiv. They alters wa
4 suthin & eff he don't buy IL for n
i they set the house in a uproar. 7
y seq he don't have a minit's peace. n
4 wives fife amung themselves so mu,
y that he has built a fitin room +
4 thare speshul benefit. & when too
Z I'm get into a row he has 'em turn
y loose into that place. WHARF the a
2 poot is settled according TO the rul
i OF the London prize ring. Son
: tlmes they abooz hisself indiyidooaI
= They hev pulled the most NV his hs
. out at the roots & he wares many
= horrible c a on his body. infict
with mophandles, broomsticks a
SIGN. ~Occashunly they git mad a
. scald him with billn water. Wb
he got any waze cranky thay'd sb
MN up in a dark olosit, preyisly VIII
pln him arter tie stile of mutbs
1, when thare orfsprings git onru
Sumtimes wher he went in swimn
thay'd go to the banks of the Lake
steal all his close. thereby compel
MIN to sneek home by a sircoot
rowt' drest in the S~kanderlus stile
the Greek Slaiy. 81 find that