Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1904-09-06
DETECTING THE CULPRiT.

HOW the Conductor FOUND Out VINO
the Guilty One Was.
Three times the conductor went
! through the car calling for fares.
When he returned to the platform the
third time he appeared to distrust his
qualifications for conductor.
''There is one woman in there" he
said, who hasn't paid her fare, but !
can't for the life of me make out which
one it is"
'Why don't you ask?" suggested the
man who stood with his back to the
rear window. "Just go through the car
and tackle each one individually and
say, Madam, have you paid your
fare?"
The conductor promptly vetoed that
plan. do you want me to lose my
job?" he asked. THAT would be the
result. Every last one of them would
get hopping mad, and l would get
money from nobody"
'Then you will have to use tao"
pursued the man at the window.
'"There are various ways whereby you
can spot fare jumper. I'm not con-
ductor, but know that much. l have
seen my wife do it lots Of times, and l
have come to know the signs pretty
well. When she is up to trick OF
that kind she gets so nervous that 1t
makes you feel creepy to watch her.
She tucks her feet back under her
skirts, reads the advertisements and
the newspapers Of her neighbors and
holds both hands over her pocketbook
In a protecting way as If afraid 1t
would get loose. Ny observation has
been that most women act the same
way. If I were you 1 would just take
| another look at them, and If you find
one going through all those contortions
you may feel pretty sure she is the
sinner you are after!'
Being thus enlightened, the conduct
or made another tour in search OF
fares. When he returned his broad
face was widened still further by q
triumphant grin.
"Your suggestion worked all right, y
he said. II found her, and guess 1t Is
up to you to settle. She has owned up
but she refuses to pay. She says II
isn't her place to pay when you are
along"
The man at the window failed to ap.
preciate the situation.
"What have I got to do with it2" he
asked.
"a good deal, evidently" was the re-
ply. "She says you're her husband
She noticed you standing here, she
| says, when she first came into the car
She came in, it seems, the front way
The man at the window looked eau
tiously into the car.
"Here," he said, lis your nickel."-
New York Times.
An Unfortunate Remark.
If certain prominent physician eve,
writes his autobiography the follow.
ing incident will undoubtedly be omit
ted:
Not long ago the physician in ques.
ton was called to boarding house to
attend man very Ill with pneumonia
The man died. The keeper of the
boarding house, a woman, was very
much distressed, the man having been
the first boarder to die under her roof
"Its so unfortunate that he should
| have died." said she with self interest.
| ed sympathy. 81 do hate to have q
| funeral here.''
ut won't be necessary" said the doc
| tor consolingly. "The funeral can be
at the undertaker's.'
"But 1 don't even know an under
taker," said the unnerved woman.
II do" said the doctor. Gust around
the corner is a good one, to whom I
send all my patients"
Gall" gasped the landlady, and the
doctor wondered why she turned pale.
Philadelphia Ledger.