The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1904-06-05
HUMOROUS ADVENTURES
OF RHEUMATIC INVALID

iron on him goes through all the modes
Of motion there are.
Mr. Lent says of mustard plasters that
until his Introduction to those vegetables
MS only experience with them had been
vicar1ous. he placed one on the exigu-
Gus stomach of literary friend. That
plaster saved his friends vermiform ap-
pendix, and also his valuable young life.
The great efficacy of this application was
due to the fact that It was
nearly all mustard with only little
self-iising pancake flour added and good
and thick all over the seat of misery
This, with copious doses of morphine
lulled the patient into forgetfulness and
caused him to see fish at his bedside.
Thus we left him fishing and happy. In
two months he was about again.
Mineral Waters and cupping.
There were experiences with kidney
! washes, the most efficacious being plain
water which you buy from owners of
springs at champagne prices, and as
there Is trouble in New York over the
removal of bottles since all house re-
fuse is classed as either garbage or
paper, and bottles aren't either, the OBJ
solete glass piled up until there was
danger that the residents could not make
their way to the top floors. There were
many regulations OF diet. There always
are. But if you don't like what one doc
| the probability is that he will undo what
the last one ordered Mr.. Lent tried
. twenty doctors. in all. and each of them
| told him to eat something different from
| the food his predecessor had prescribed
Says he, ANY animal except a human
| being knows when and what to eat.
Nature protects the health of the dumb
creatures by standing guard Through
their instincts. Man was turned loose,
and the first thing he did was to eat the
forbidden fruit his wife had brought
home for dinner Don't blame Adam.
We all do the same thing. The tree of
human knowledge grows as various men,
bers of the human race graft this and
that upon it. Experiments widen our
mental horizon and enable the patholo-
gist and toxocologist to jot down inter-
esting conclusions at the autopsy and in
the labratory."
Before quitting the external applica-
lions, however, eupping deserves mention
This process has nothing to do with tank
ards; more the pity. the thirsting pa
tient thinks. THE decorations made by
this method are large and purple, and
you notice them for several days, even
when you can't see them. Cupping
works nicely whenever the cup gets
hold sufficient to withstand fifty
pound pill If the defendant is bony this
is not always possible. In the early days
muscular and cuppable Having dropped
forty pounds since then, and being at
jockey weight, there seems to be no
meaty area ON his back sufficiently large
to include the circumference of a drink
ing glass. At some point In the tangent,
the glass rests on a bone which humps
up and destroys the vacuum and the sue
! ton before the cup can dig in for good
hold. The doctor takes an ordinary
drinking glass, pours little alcohol into
1t and throws in lighted match. As the
! alcohol ignites he jabs the rim of the
| glass into the victims back. just where
| the trouble u.s. If the tackle is a good
one. you get some lovely color effects.
The heat creates a partial vacuum in the
| glass and the atmosphere pressure forces
an inch and n half of prime rib roast into
! the vessel and all the time II seems as II
| the rest of him were backing in after it.
| This sensation presently changes and the
victim, who cannot see what Is going on
, begins to feel that some powerful sucker
is drawing on him for all II. or he, is
worth. Althoug not a sight draft for
the reason above explained. it is quite as
| con uisory as bill. When they take
off the glass after fifteen minutes. the
space II covered is trampled and disheav-
eled like The old meadow when the cir
Gus tent las been moved away, or the
spot where the hen coop was until yester-
day Having successfully withstood the
effects of the one cup, half a dozen are
now stuck on simultaneously Then you
cling. yearningly to the bed post to keep
FROM eng drawn backward out of the
',ir dow. Such suction you never backed
rp against before or otherwise. Blood
deserts thu brain so fast, hurrying to
fill the cups. that you become faint and
canot meet the situation with words.
The same also from the other end-you
have cold feet
our rstient sincerity believes that he
has tried everything that ever killed or
cured a human being was avoided by
a dog. He became so expert that he
could tell in few minutes, by smiling
around In a drug store, whether the pro-
rrie,or was out of any particular drug
or il st how much he had left. This APP
r'i,d to goods in stoppered bottles and
included the full line, except soap,
cologne, candy. hair brushes and hot
water bags, though when In these de-
pa sments the scent sometimes wandered
ana chased the quarry In among the red
flannel chest protectors and the liver
pads"
The awful responsibility that is laid
upon him by the fact of authorship does
not prevent our rheumatic friend from
lapsing into puns once in while but
as he is frugal of these offendngs he Is
apt to be forgiven. He allaows that a
lean man fond of lean bacon can get
leaner bak.n in n Turkish bath than any,
where else. And apropos of bathing he
mentions an Adirondack guide of his ac-
quaintance, who when he puts on new
shirt. puts 1t on to stay until it is re-
moved by wear, tear and natural disin-
| tegration. If the shirt goes on in the
| early spring II mouths In the late fall.
| when 1t is time for something heavier
| anyway. No more companionable fell
| low than this guide could be found. It
| must be remembered, however. that he
| lives outdoors and minges freely with
! the wind, Put him amid highly social
lied suroundings--for instance. in a ball
| room, in a state of acton-and we can
imagine a falling off in his popularity"
Turkish baths are now familiar appll-
| ances of civilization but not all their pa-
irons resort to them for the cure Of dis
| ease. Mr.. Lent arrayed In a towel and
grasping a quarter of a dollar, entered
with some apprehensions but not those
| which are shared by prudent customers
| who overlook the fees. For nothing is
| easier than to do you whole dollars
worth of damage when you are down"
| In the hot room he finds a number of
! fellow citizens some we'll done few
| still rare. The lean ones are invited TO
| drink copiously in order to raise a dew
The other sort remain pigeon toed and
| expectant. After the usual period of !
suffering has been passed you touch a
! button and the rubber sezes YOU and 1
| does the rest. He is a Sweede with fin
| gers of sausage-like masiveness who
| takes the offender into his little marble
morgue. lays him out on a marble slab
and tries to dismantle the plant that has
been intrusted to him. Instead of sue