The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1904-11-20
WHlNlS OF THE IDL Err.
A Tribute to Absent Wives.

II every married woman who has a
range TO send the brute off twice a veal
to some sequestered place, which knowetf
not the frou. frou Of feminine petticoats
{! tho divorce courts wo,td go out Of busi-
noss. and the music OF wedding bells
(, would be- as common as the autun1na
nocturncs OF mosquitoes.
1t has ever been satd that absence
makes the heart grow fonder. But the
poct-o, whoever 1t was that got Off this
| proverb--didnt lay 1t on half heavily
i enough. Absence, in the case of the
grass widower, not only makes the heart
grow fonder, but It ills the masculine
cardiac apparatus with domestic longings
which work n world Of good.
In fact, one never quite so much appr>c-
ciates wife as when he hasn't got her.
woman as whole. Is at her lovesiest
when inaccessible, unapproachable and
unattanablc. The moment you get her
the trouble begins-the moment you
haven't got her. the trouble grows worse,
But such philosophy leads us away
from the subject in hand, The theme
of this article is both pathetic and thrlii-
Ing. The piece before you Is entitled.
"Alone for Three Weeks IN a Hotel" or
mot Even q Chambermnid to Darn the
Socks
Under these heads may be embodied
thousand suggestions for the reformation
Of husbands and score Of hints for the
tanning Of those who hate their wives
re,atio Ask any man who travels
much, and he will reach the sentiments
here expressed.
Its one thing to haye wife whom
you can leave when you wish to, and
another thing to wish for a wife when
you have left her
In the first case, the man Is complete
~ master of THE situa ton, or rather as
much master as he ever can be when
a woman is around.
In the second case, the trousered spouse
suddenly finds himself overwhelmed hy
unexpected helplessness which makes him
an impot tent adult child In lifes illmitable
kindergarten.
At homo, when one has wives-or rather
a wife-on tap, as it were, the da.icate
attentions Of this class of mortals are
irreverontly known as "buzzngs." Away
from home, in the Eveless deserts OF
masculine supremacy, by some strange
process of psychological somersaulting,
the so-called "buzzings" are regarded and
designated as gentle ministrataons.
"Gentle ministrations," by the way, in
their actual reality, are not SO poetical
as they appear on paper. The words in
verse and fiction carry the idea OF cool
Ing parched hroWs. of applying water to
febrle lips and of flaming once healthy
and heroic males, who under stress of
peculiar circumstances, have gone daffy
from delirium or brain fever.
In real life, -parched brows. febrile lips
and the tendency to deliriun generally
come 'the morning after and are super
induced by certain mannish processes Of
"the night before" which bear the uni
versal stamp OF feminine disapproval, not
to say scathing Reproduction. And man is
never so far from being a hero--at least
In his wife's cyes-as when he thus cryeth
for cracked ice, few kim words and
even the smallest specS fgsympathy.
AS a matter Of fact. wife-hunger, when
1t hits a man In the hour Of his solitude /
and makes him long for the domestic um-ii
brngeousness OF his own, vine and fiE-i
and selfish Ideas.
Let the brute be far. far from his
own ingle corner with a limited supply
OF hosiery, when his aggressive great toe
bulges wantonly through the tip Of his
sock, and you forthwith see the queer an i
imal showing signs of discontinue /
Ones great toe never feels quite so near;
the size OF an Irish potato as 1t does on
these occasions when it bursts out Of It's
Isle thread prison.
1t is then that the husband, quite over
looking the actual cause Of his misery, |
magnanimously decides to get sentiments
tai and recalling the erstwhie "buzzing''
absentee, says: I've got a feeling In my !
heart for YOU"
But supposing that the peripatetlc con-
sumner OF tobacco has started off from
home with a perfect equipment in the wayi
OF hosiery-wives generally anticipate
such pedal outbrcakings as those de-
scr!bed-therc are nevertheless other trou-
cd valise. which at the outset was a
sort Of sartor.a sardine box, begins Its
travels fresh from the wtfe's hands. In
short, 1t was she who did the packing /,
whilo the great-and -only stood by and
told how 1t ought to he done. Blu. 1t Is
tho great-and-ony who performs the un-
packing feat and the Same who has to go
through tho repacklns performances. Right
here the trouble bureau begins working
overtime and the blue funk Of solitude
commences TO chafe and to generate the
spirit Of righteousness. How would en-
joy her presence tonight" says the wo-i
n,nnless exile, who rather goats over the +,
tenderness of his emotions. But his ra- !
mark. being interpreted means: "Great
Scott. how do hate TO pack that
sutchel.' The job. has to be done how
ever, and the peripatetic brute even prldcs.
himself upon his success in doing IT. al
though he may perchance leave his robe
do NUT hanging on the bed-post and say
adien to his temporary home In blissful
Ignorance Of the fact that four of his best !,
shirts remain behind in the bottom bureau
drawer.