St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1904-05-07
HowWe April-FooIe
Uncle Jed
BY CLARA AUGUSTA

BY CLARA AUGUSTA
AM Uncle Jed Bent's nephew, and
my name Is Samuel Adams Monroe
Jlnks-called Sam links, for short.
Dads run away, and mas married to
olo man Higgins. Know old Hugins j?
wall, you'd ought to.
for downright, measly meanness, he
beats the band. No, he never stole any
Genus on'n his grandhother's eyes, that
know of, but he cuts his beard off
w.tn mas scissors to save buying a
razor, and he'd grudge a tramp cat the
privilege Of meyouing in his back
yard for fear she'd use up some of his
air.
Uncle Jed he lived in our house He's
mas brother. Never had any wife,
cause he hates women so. Ma SAYS his
girl went back on him, and soured him
up when he was young. 1t must be
an awful thing to be soured when you
are young.
Ma says his girl was red headed and
1reckle-faced. As If any man would
De TOOL enough to mourn hisself bald
headed and rheumatic for red-head-
ed, freckle-faced girl! Catch me!
But Uncle Jed's been courted con-
siderable. Three widows have tackled
him, and ever SO many old maids. But
he's fit shy. Old Widow Dobson
thought she'd get him for sure last
winter, and kept sending him liniment
for his rheumatism. but when she Of
fered to rub it onto his shoulders for
him, he drawed the line.
Maud's my sister She is an awful
good fellow, and she and manage to
make things pretty lively at our house.
Eva, that's my oldest sister, has got a
beau. He's regular one, and comes
every Thursday night and every Sun
day night, parts his hair in the mid
die, and smells like a drug shop-all
kinder cinnamony and spicy. You can
scent him half-mile of. Old Hug
tns he growls SO much about the kero-
sene that Eva buys candles. Some
times they don't light 'em. Anybody
can spoon in the dark, If it's neces-
sary, I s'pose.
It's fun to watch folks court. Maud
and hide in the closet in the dining
room sometimes, and watch 'em court.
Once he told her she was sweet as a
rose, and rraceful as deer, and pref
tier than a pink, an dearer than dia-
mond! And she said: "Oh. Willie, boy:
how can you?"
He said he could. and she said:
''Now, Willie, you awful, dreadful,
wicked boy!"
Then he said for her to kiss him.
and she giggled and said she'd boiler
for ma, but he did it, and she never
hollered a holler.
She sot down in his lap. and the
darning needle that I'd put into the
rocking chair cushion got in it's work.
Gee! You ought to have heard that
young man swear! Shook the house
and reused up old man Higgins, and
It took ma the rest of the night 10
soothe him on.
After Eva and her young man got
kinder GAINED down, I let on bunch
Of fire crackers, and flung 'em into the
room where they'd be likely to do the
most good, and-I had to stay shet up
the next day. and never got any OF the
apple dumpling the folks had for din
ner. Crackee! Warn't l mad?
But l was going to tell you about
how we fooled Uncle Jed.
led he said that he'd bet a dollar
that there waren't nobody living that
could play any fool jokes on him. he
said he only wisht they'd try, and he
looked hard at Maud and me. | OK
meet It was because last April fool day
M.nd and me stretched stout string
outside OF old Higgins chamber door;
the suller stairs are right to the loot
~ the hack stairs, and we left the sui
ler door open, and old Higgins ne
tripped over the string and never let
mn mi he landed in the cistern in the
s,,llar. which is right at the foot OF the
stairs, SOS to be handy.
Gee! What day that was at our
house, It was more'n three weeks be-
fore my back got well. where the old
man laced me with a whip, but the
FUN of seeing him 60 down was worth
It.
Mand and put our heads together,
and we agreed that we'd write two let
+ers-one to old maid Virgins over 10
peaks Crossing and t'other to Uncle
Jed. =.
the first water, and she's that puckereo
and dried up that should think she. q
ha afraid to go to sleep for fear she'd
be An Egyptian mummy when sne woke
Mand said we'd get them two togeth-
~ down in Robinson park, and see
what they'd say. when they found out
II vas all fool joke.
wrote the letter to her and 1t read
thusly:
..Mv Respected and Adored Madam: For
,on1 long time have Worshfped you ala.
- and my beating heart has nearly leapeo
o,,t of NV bosom whenever you nave passeu
hvi oh. now I love you! woulo eiaoly lay
myself and my fortune-hlteen no ~ ,.e,,
xhcmaa nd dollars of it-at your feet! II you
+hink kindly OF such devotion. meet me at
A h,g elm in Robjnson's park, Tuesday
10 at eight O'Clock. Wear red rose
-. vn,,r bosom. Your'deyoted admirer. :,
We gave Mulligan's boy, Tim, three
nsrhles and big chew Of spruce gum to
..rrv Il over to Miss Virgins house and
tuck It under the door.
Maud and together composed the
latter to Uncle JED.
We wrote it on pink stationery. and
..a,ted II with vanilla essence out OF one
of mas cooking bottles:
~xy,.h,v Respected and Honored SIR: