davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

Asia, and the savage hordes Of Africa
All of our Senators and Congressman
were dishonest, except those who
wern't worth buying, and the probabili-
ties were that they eked out their sal
aries by robbing banks on the side.
When Congress did by any chance pass
q good bill 1t was all mistake. or else
they were only covering their tracks.
We all know that kind Of man; per-
haps we're something the same kind
Of feline ourselves
1t didn't make any difference to the
knocker what he was talking about,
he was always ready TO point out the
blowholes and the rust specks. II he
were looking at Daubem's latest
masterpiece he could find more faults
with the perspective, or the compost
ton. or the coloring, or the technique,
or something else, than the poor
painter ever imagined could be crowd
ed into one small canvas. You see,
the knocker had the idea, which q
great many people share with him,
that the proper way to criticize pic
ture is to bend all your labors to con-
vincing the artist that he might be
kalsominer. In literature the knock
er was also right on deck. According
to him, the last great novelist died
with Thackeray. and he didn't think
so much Of Thackeray either. In fact,
he doubted If there had ever been any
great works of fiction, and he was
very sure that there never would be
again. The only great dramatist was
Shakespeare, and he stole all his ideas
and hired some one else to write his
plays for him. Browning was the
last Of the poets, and people thought
that he was great just because they
, couldn't understand what he was talk
ing about. In music Wagner was
without a peer, and even he didn't
appear to be worth five dollars for an
orchestra seat.
A casual conclusion as to the knock
er's status in society would have been
that a man who knew so much about
| how things should be done, at least
to the extent of knowing that they
were always done wrong, would have
been selected as the best man in the
community for the most important
post. That's right where you'd make
the widest guess possible When II
came time to elect a representative In
Congress the district passed right oy
the knocker and hit on young TEL
low who didn't know so much, but VINO
believed a whole lot more For ex-
ample. he was sure that the United
States was the greatest country in the
world, bar none, and that while ne
would deplore the necessity, he was
equally sure that she could whip any
} two of the other nations in a fair fight,
J pivot blow and strange hold barred
\ He hadn't even heard that the coun-
trv was going to the demnition bow
vows and he wouldn't have believed it
If he had, and he was willing to bet
all he had that American girls were the
prettiest and wittiest, American men
\ the bravest, American horses the fast
est, American beet sugar the sweetest.
and America herself the finest example
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

telegraphing ahead to riverside deal
.ers, who purchased hay in punches
Negro roustabouts with cargo hooks
disturbed our privacy at all hours OF
the day and night digging out con-
signments of baled hay. Layer by
layer the coons peeled our happy home
away. Further and further aft we
burrowed, until, at the end of the Sec
ond day, we fetched up against the en-
gine room bulkhead. There was no
way to gnaw through that obstacle, so,
rather than jump overheard, Carl and
1 admitted that we were discovered.
A red-necked mate who had killed a
dozen stowaways, he said, laughed at
Carls white socks, after which he
took us before the purser, in the white
and old gold cabin on the upper deck
In that gorgeous tribunal we heard our
doom pronounced. 1t was either pay
fare to New Orleans-s3 so each, deck
passage-or get off at the next landing
l glanced ahead at the next landing
a muddy, oozy stretch Of Arkansan
shore, clouded into misty rain and
sloping away into a swamp.
Night was coming on. Here and there
a live oak tree wearing long, gray
whiskers-Spanish Ieoss, 1 believe. is
the tonsorial name-stcod like lost
Rip Van Wrinkle in that moist and for
bidding wilderness. The only living be-
ing in sight was a rickety Uncle Tom
seated on a bale of cotton in two
wheeled cart, waiting for the steam
boat His mule, apparently, had died
standing in shafts. And that was the
place for US to get off, not.
My heart ceased to beat, and 1 could
hear funny clicking noise in the COM
edians neck, like a duck choking to
death.
Mister I said to the purser, I'VE
haven't any money, but wealthy rela-
tives will meet the boat at New Or
leans and pay all charges"
The purser peered out of his little box
office. laughed brutally and said he
couldn't do it. Too many buns tried
TO work him on that gag.
well, I'll put up my baggage for
security" I pleaded.
Let me see it," said the purser, with
out looking up from his work.
When 1 requested Carl to go below
throw a fit. He was even more of a
Dutchman than his costume would in
dicate, and the way our affairs were
being dented all but paralyzed him. All
the same, the valise was bought with
my money. Carl held an honorary
membership in the sausage and onions,
but l had a right to invest the gas
meter as 1 saw fit. and he knew it.
Capital is mighty and VIII prevail
During the absence Of Carl 1 gazed
at the negro porter. who stood guard
gazed at him with an intense and over
whelming Rock-of-ages-cleft- for-me
expression. If did ger by the purser
with my little game. 1t was up to the
porter to either make or break me, but
if he saw or understood the black man
made no sign. He kept me guessing
Meanwhile the purser was busy writ
ing in his coop, which had a little win
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04
3a ron and Off the Breed Wagon
Being Hord Luck Tales end Doines of AaerHob
l. TAlNYeeA BY Cherries Dryden

and the great and lasting good the
Great Emancipator had done for pos
terity on the pork. Next day hunted
up the negro porter and told him. with
vast pride Of voice and gesture that
hailed from the same State -MudvilIe,
Ill. He didn't know what was talking
about.
The rest OF the route to New Orleans
was fraught with hardship and hunger.
Long before our commissary exploded
damp weather cCaxed out on the bo-
logna a crop Of soft blue whiskers half
an iDch long. and which greatly en-
hanced the appearance Of the. menu.
However, beauty of that sort is only
skin deep, and by peeling the bologna
we got the true meat and flavor When
the last fragment was gone the mid
night lunch of hardtack set out for the
negro rousters kept US alive. Like al
ley rats we sneaked from gloomy re-
Cesses to the table back Of the boilers.
grabbed some crackers and went away
to nibble In the dark. Water is in
cluded in a deck passage. which is a
good thing to know should you ever
decide to take one.
At New Orleans I went TO the bad
proper, and, single-footed and alone
pulled of a march to the sea that
knocks General Sherman-s little stroll
silly. By all means. sit up and watch
for the next chapter.
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04
Leila Wentz

threw back at him over her shoulder.
I've made UP my mind at last!" She
was gone, but not before he had caught
a gleam of tears in her eyes.
AS Chester waited at the IL" station
on his way up town that afternoon
some one grabbed his arm and gave
him gay greeting. When he glanced
at the fine boyish face he almost
groaned. "The woman he loves will
make him a god or a devil, 1 used to
think" reflected Chester as they made
for a double seat in the car. And
when Doris is gone-not much doubt
about the outcome
wait a minute, old boy" said Sell
wyn, as Tom, in uncertainty, was about
to pull out an evening paper. You've
been a jolly stanch friend to me;
when 1 deserved a right-down hard
kick you didn't even side-step. That's
why 1 want to tell you'-his voice
broke suspiciousIy and he fingered at
his collar-"everything's right, and I'm
the very happiest man in all New
York;"
"'Eh? What's that?" said Chester
blankly, dropping his paper and squar-
ing about.
"'Twas like this" explained Selwyn,
a rapt smile on his handsome face.
"You know. of course, we haven't been
living together for three months? Well.
this morning, as 1 was coming out of
my club whom should 1 run right into
but the dearest little woman God ever
made Old chap. don't know how 1t
happened, but actually she let me walk
down the avenue with her. and when
we came across a ragged urchin at a
corner with little punches OF jasmine
tied with twine, she actually half
turned for a second. Suddenly I saw
the big tears well in her eyes" The
collar seemed to be troubling him
again.
Her home in New Orleans .-as lit
orally thick with Cape jasmine, you
know, Tom?" he went on. And. like
a queen, she said, Don't you want to
get me a bunch of those blossoms p
Did 1 want to, indeed. And. by Jove,
old chap, if she didn't pin them in her
girdle and wear them! Tomorrow
she's going to send for me and tell me
whether 1 may enter paradise again. .
Selwyn's voice seemed to trail off into
a happy vagueness.
Il don't think said Chester, grave
ly, the odor of the jasmine still in his
nostrils, II don't think she's going to
turn you out"
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

dow ledge like theater box office,
opening into the main cabin. When my
limp partner returned 1 took the valise,
stood in the middle of the cabin and
held up our only asset for the inspec-
ton of the purser. 1t looked pretty
brisk and shiny in the half light, and
my soul was uplifted when the man in
the coop said:
"All right; give it to the porter"
Carts eyes bulged, and he would
have wept, only his mouth monopolized
all the moisture in his head. He
thought only of the sausage and
onions, without spark of pity or COM
passion for the nervous strain had
undergone, saving his life and mine up
to that point with the porter yet to
hear from.
There's little light lunch in the
grip / would like to take out If you
don't care,'' 1 ventured to remind the
purser.
Il don't want your miserable lunch,
he gruffiy replied, at the same time
handing over a couple of deck passage
checks he had made out for us.
Having so far succeeded as a strate-
gist .circled about with the valise and
placed it on the deck directly under
the Office ledge. The purser couldn't
see me unless he rose up and hung
himself across the opening, and 1 saw
no reason why he should do that, be-
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04
- NEMOss

extant Of the Creators art He didn't
have a monopoly Of the knowledge OF
the world, but he was young and per-
fectly willing to learn, and when he
came out and announced himself a.
believer in the good old dootrina that
the best man wins sooner or later the
voters threw up their hats ana de-
clared that he was the man for thar
money.
1t is demonstrated by these few Etnn-
pie words that there's q great differ
ence between knocking and being
knocked and that q manufactures OF
cheerful hot air wflI sometimes produces
enough to innate his own balloon.
while the knocker. as . rule. succeeds
only IN knocking the bottom out OF his
own craft and starting hot foot on tha
trail Of the late lannented Mc0inty.
Copyright. 1904. by Albert Brtt4l
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

pers. Then when the heros article on
How 1t Feels to Die for Ones Coun-
try appears in the next number of
the Getthere Magazine the entire
population points the finger of scorn
and says ''Therei"
When a retired manufacturer of
steel rails and useful advice sets aside
$4,000 900 or $50, 900, 600 for the eFec-
ton of public libraries, all the in
habitants of the towns that were left
out of the deal and most of those who
weren't unite in ascribing his mag
ntfcent generosity to desire to have
his name appear on the front of the
building in company with Homer, j.
Caesar, Ibsen, Dithyram Dick and
other literary beacons of history. AS
rule the people who jump on a man
for such innocent amusements are the
very people who are tickled to death
If they see their own names in the
Bungville Clarion as among those
present at the trial of Ike Smith be-
fore Squire Applejack for horse-steal-
ing. Men have been known to pick
pocket just to get their names in
print
the hammer is the man who has hap
pened to be boosted or to get himself
boosted into some kind of an office.
The public officer in the United States
Is popularity known as the servant Of
the people. and from the way the peo-
pie wipe their feet on said official one
would conclude that his wages had
been paid in advance and that all the
places in town were filled. 1t doesn't
do any good for President, or a Gov
ernor, or a Mayor, or a road commits
sioner, to be honest because people will
say that he had a second term up his
sleeve. II he refuses to deny that he
is a rascal, we all stand round and
say, Aha! He's afraid to say a word" :"
Then when he comes out with a sweep
ing denial of everything that we have
said, we chuckle ghoulishly and call at
tention to the way we've got under his
hide. All Of which explains why self
respecting gentlemen are so anxious to
run for Office in this land of the roor-
back and home of the plain, unvar-
nished campaign lie.
The majority of people knock for the
same reason that small boy smokes
IllS HISl Cigarette ana goes out DenlHO
the woodpile to swear his first swear
they think it a sign of intellectual ma
turitY When man reaches the point
where he can pick holes in the con-
stitution and show up the delusions of
which the Declaration of Independence
is composed he thinks that he is the
general manager of about the only
fifteen-horsepower intellect in the
town and that it has arrived to him, as
our French friends would say, to put
In about ten hours a day demonstrate
ing that nothing amounts to anything
and that the only free and unenviable
privilege that other people possess is
that of being wrong ten times out of
nine. The only times they are ever
right is when they agree with the gen.
tleman in question, and that is never.
We once knew a man who was con-
structed on the general lines which we
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04
JASMINE

f1c came uD from the streets below.
Where did the jasmine come from,
Doris?'' he asked abruptly. The pene-
trating odor had suddenly made him
little Southern wedding in New Or
leans. when everything seemed crowd
ed with it's perfume.
crimson flush surged into Doris
cheeks, then spread to her broad,
sweet temples and dimpled chin.
The jasmine?" she echoed helplessly.
"Yes, where did you get it?"
Still flushing, but silent, she looked
down at the white waxen petals and
the shining leaves.
"Will you give me a f1ower?" said
Chester curiously. She wrenched the
jasmine from her girdle and impul-
sively rose from her chair.
Certainly she said. take all OF it..
Take it as a portion of your fee.
You've told me what 1 can do; to-
morrow Pll drop in and tell you what
I want to do.'
AS her hand touched his for sec
ond she nodded whimsically toward
the jasmine:
L reckon this is the first time any
ones ever paid you In such romantic
fashion,
When the elevator had taken her
down Chester walked back to the
table and looked at the blossoms lying
there in all the stiff, white pride of
their Southern fragrance.
And I'd never guessed it," he COM
mented slowly. 80, there's another
man in the case? And was putting
all the trouble down to Doris pride
However. this jasmine explains. Poor
Selwyn-poor chap, She can't care
overmuch for the donor, though" he
reflected logically, .or she wouldn't
have left me this gift" Just then the
door opened. 1t was Doris, more ra-
dainty lovely than he had ever seer
her.
What's that name children use 70,
one another when they take back gifts
rom! An Indian giver? Well, you car
use that name for me, because l want
these back" AS she pinned the jasmine
INTO ner girdle again her little gloved
hand trembled perceptibly.
Tell me, Doris" he said to her com.
mandingly as he arrested her a second
time at the door, what is the meaning
OF this? AS your cousin and friend ]
would wish to know, but as your law
yer | must know-I must"
You shall. tomorrow, Tom. she
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

town Carl's socks awoke languid In
terest in our movements, and that was
the best we got. Like myself he had
abated his finances, quitting a good
lob for the excitement of hunting an
other in a strange place, and was then
eager to starve to death in warmer
climate, provided he could reach one.
1 coincided in this view, and we pool
ed an issue.
The German comedian roomed under
a high sidewalk in the purlieus of the
city, and took Window Board stand
ing in front of a restaurant that dis
played steaks, chops and delicacies of
the season behind thick glass. l oc-
telry at Is cents per day,s which did
not include meals. These Southern
cities know how to boom prices to the
embarrassment of Northern tourists.
My 81 bark trunk that had set out
from Mudville with me was at the no.
tel, and ] assayed about 81 40 In white
metal-all that lay between us and the
next town, which we agreed should be
New Orleans. The only tip either of us
had on that place was the distance,
which is said to lend enchantment at
a high rate of interest.
So Carl and 1 plotted to beat the
river out of a pass TO New Orleans,
and herein is that scheme laid bare.
For 80 cents 1 purchased a black tar
paper valise with tin hasps and trim
mings In size, shape and general
trimming this purchase looked more
like a gas meter than anything / can
now recall. Into that valise I'VE put a
chunk of bologna sausage bigger than
a bootleg, a bag of raw onions. and
stuffed bread in the remaining space.
My last cent went to victual the cruise
of at least a week. The comedian voted
the bologna into the grip, and l pre-
scribed the onions, having read in nau-
tical tales that the onion is the best
preventive of scurvy known to mari
ners.
To properly dress for the part, put
on my shop clothes. including blue
flannel shirt, and slowed the rest OF
my outfit in the faithful bark trunk.
With the help of Carl I carried the
trunk to an express Office ana snlppeo
it c. o. D. to New Orleans.
An immense stern-wheel boat-the
UP. Schenck, from Cincinnati-offered
inviting exit to a warmer CLINE. She
carried furniture on the hurricane
deck, baled hay on the lower or boiler
deck, and nails in kegs in the hold.
Carl and 1 thought the hay looked
good to us, so one evening at dusk,
when no one was looking, we burrowed
into the new mown. A row of stan
chions from the boilers forward car
ried a canvas-covered steam pipe to
the engines aft, and the hay was piled
over and around the pipe. We crawled
into this steam heated nat, taking the
food hamper along, and settled down
for a nice, quiet voyage.
Things went pretty wei until the
gentleman who chaperoned the hay
sold us out He had a vulgar habit OF
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

Y F Poe had lived in these degenerate
days he would not have been at
all surprised at the knocking on
his chamber door. In fact, the
man is might lucky who doesn't hear
knocking somewhere almost any hour
OF the day or night and usually he Is
doing his share Of #. The only organi-
ration to which practically all the
able-bodied men, most Of the women
and all OF the girls under 20 belong is
the international Association Of Ham
mer-Wielders. If a man risks his life,
not 20 mention the lives Of two or
three other men, in imminent deadly
combat with the hated foe. at least
half Of the population Of the United
States rises up and announces that he
cid II Just to get his name in the pa
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

Copyright, 1904, by virginia Lena Nehtz-
w NHEN his pretty little cousin
l.s q: New ;, osls-s, HI. ssnns. nss asn
Chester had felt bit dubious
as to the outcome. Selwyn was a hand
some chap, a spoiled child of fortune.
who in all his life had scarcely felt
restraining finger upon his impulses, to
say nothing of a restraining hand. He
either for good or evil. Would Doris de-
velop the god or the devil in him?
And for Selwyns part would he make
the light in his young wife's laughing
eyes still brighter, or would he deepen
the already sensitive curves in her
childish mouth?
Two years had proved Chester's
doubts to be not without justification.
What pity, what pity!' he thought
as he sat in his Office one morning and
looked across the table at his fair
client.
$50, you've come to me, Doris, for
advice?" He looked out of his window.
How mockingly the skyscrapers loomed
against the sky linel A monument of
mans greatness-and yet, at heart, so
little was man! He turned searchingly
upon Doris.
do you really want me to speak as
,, your lawyer?" She bent her pretty head
in affirmation. WELL" answered he,
still meeting her eyes keenly, divorce
him."
YES" she laughed dt was the laugh
Of woman who dare not cry), "the
facts are hideous enough, are they not 2"
wait, that was your lawyers advice.
} AS your cousin; Doris, as his friend, as
} a man, God knows, who loves you both,
beg you to forgive him. Hasn't he re-
! pented, dear? Doesn't he ask you to
let him begin all over again on clean
I slate? That's all a man can do; it's a
I woman's hand must wipe out all the
{ old hideous markings"
She leaned wearily back in her chair.
J YES" she said, I'VE women are sent
} into the world to pardon, aren't we
} like Governors and priests? Only we
J are not expected to give sentences and
} penances."
How beautiful she was. with that
( oueenly poise of her young head, cop
{ trasting so oddly with the pathetic
J droop OF her scarlet mouth Chester's S
} eyes narrowed as he studied her.
! Meaninglessly the dull sound of traf-
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04


4 gramme. the good people Of
Memphis. Tenn. were not quite
ready for me when I arrived
there on the inside Of a train during
tour Of the world in 1880. The Mayor
had mislaid the key to the city. and the
iron foundries hoisted the cold wave
flag Not a single foreman wanted q
boy to raise, and before a week ended
I sassed myself for sidestepping Oma-
ha- There ! had job and friends, and
entree 10 the whirlpool Of social gayety
as portrayed by Polish weddings among
the shop hands Memphis was chill and
sloppy. All hands turned me down,
and my money sped swiftly, like the
last car deserving a fat lady who is too
excited 10 whistle
When the hope OF becoming an en-
plCye at Memphis brew up, hung
about the levee and looked at the river
Being too old and cowardly to turn
pirate, I affected the stream for pas
time only. The season was late in win
Ter and the unlaundered Mississippi
rippled along replete with chunks Of
honeycOmbed ice, the soil OF adjacent
States in solution and an occasional
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

world We were the worst governed
country in the world. with the possible
exceptions Of the effete monarchies Of
Europe, the corrupt despotisms of
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

have indicated. The character of his
occupation has slipped our mind, be-
cause 1t didn't really amount to any
thing His real calling was knocking
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

holes in the illusions Of other people.
According to him, there was no truth,
nor beauty, nor goodness, nor any
thing else worth while anywhere in the
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04
By Virginia

t, 1904. by Virginia Leila Wentz-
HEN his pretty little cousin
from New Orleans had mar
ried one of his chums, Tom
Chester had felt a bit dubious
The San Francisco call., 1904-12-04

opyright, 1901 by Charles Dryden)
WING to a hitch In the pro-
gramme- the good people Of
Memphis. Tenn, were not quite
ready for me when I arrived
Tonopah bonanza. [volume] (Butler City [i.e. Butler], Nev.) 1901-1909, 1904-08-27
Makeever Bros.

j. l.. Makeever, a member OF the
above firm who returned TO Tono-
pah this week, has opened an office
here in order to better direct the
operations OF the Ray-Consolidated
mining company Of which he is the
moving spirit. The firm of Makee-
e Bros. are extensively operating
mines throughout the states and their
decision to locate here will without
doubt draw an immense mount of
capital into the district. The Bo-
nanza desires to draw attention to
the firms market letter in another
part OF this issue and, in welcoming
the new firm wishes it unqualified
success in its operations in Nevada.