The Washington times., 1904-01-02
FREAK LETTERS FLOW
IN OFFICIAL MAILS
Fond Parents Want Money
for Payne's NameSake.
POSTMASTER WITH THIRST
Asks Just One Keg of Milwaukee Beer,
But Receives Call Down
From Department.
POSTMASTER WITH THIRST

Letters to the President or the POST
master General appear to be the annual
pastime Of a number OF citizens of this
land Of the free, and IL the two officials
were to comply with all of the weird
requests made of them they would have
no time and less salary, for anything
else. This Christmas has been no ex-
ception and there have been received the
usual number of freak eoistles
An alleged veracious account of the
letters which reached the Postmaster
General tells of a man who wrote that
he has just had an addition to his fam
lily This enterprising citizen said that
he was going to name the boy Harry
Payne, and when he grew UP was going
to tell the young hopeful to be a politi-
clan. There was no false modesty about
asking money on the part of the fond
parent. He said he wo~Id take check.
money order or draft, or any other
equivalent Of real money recommended
= FOR mailing purposes. Mr.. Payne was
expressly told in the letter not to send
Christmas cup, cups are foolish -
A Republican postmaster in Tennessee
took his pen in hand to say that he
thought the Postmaster General should
send him small ''preSant" Just TO rub
vltrlol on the wounds of the Democrats
IN the neighborhood nice watch
was suggested as an appropriate token
OF esteem and. said the postmaster lit
would do me much good to tell wheir 1
got the Presant from"
A letter from Georgia was addressed
70 honorable T. Roosevelt. Protector
ana Guardian OF the Colored Race" 1t
was signed by the Rev. George Wash
ington Simpson. Pastor Emeryi lis
says the man who claims to have seen
the enusion. II stated that there was
a shortage OF SS2 to pay off mortgage
on the church. 1t was suggested thar
IL the President would remit $50 without
delay the pastor emeryitis" could raise
the remaining two bones without vast
deal of trouble
"A man VINO evidently had heard that
Billy Nye made national reputation
by a remarkable letter he wrote in re-
signing from the Government service.
sent a giddy screed TO the Postmaster
General. This fellow-citizen had accept
ed the misunderstanding OF a small Office
IN New York State for his health ne
said. Having a thirst that would make
the Sahara Desert look like the Dismal
swamp. he wrote as follows:
ITO Henry &. Payne. Postmaster Cen
eral Of the United States:
tPoHucian OF the Inner Circle. Master
Mind of the Tinkerees. and citizen OF
that glorious town OF Milwaukee where
the golden product OF mat anG hops
flows in never ceasing stream. and
where the beer signs are more numerous
than lightning bugs in the summertime
you have the honor or being the ern-
plOyer OF a man who has the most re-
markable thirst ever seen on Broadway,
AFAAllSN AFdllld avenue. or ELSEWHERE IN
this great country. II / betray cosmo-
politanism. pray forgive me. for I was
not always thus. the postmaster OF a
God-forsaken town in a State properly
called the Empire. But forget not the
thirst for I can't and il IS because OF
TINS remarkable and wonderful natural
Phenomena that I write to YOU
- You must know some wealthy brewer
IN that city OF stems who IS willing to
advertise his wareS-whO is willing to
aSsuage thirst that has grown to the
proportions OF drought and that IS
able TO make 81 worth Of blue blotters
look Ike a waterloggcd sponge II -
viii exercise your kindness and con-
descension and tell your brewer friend
OF this humble employee Of the Post
Office Department, this man with the
wonderful thirst and the lack Of graft
wing II. / am sure ne Will spare a bar
rel from his bOuntiful store for the good
OF humanity in general and myself in
particular. Do not take offense at nv
high-hOwn expressions. They are oc-
casioned by admiration for you per-
sopally and for the city Of your birth
place as well. that glorious city Of
stems and booze and malt and hops and
politicians. merry Christmas and
happy New Year and the love and af-
lection Of one Of the humblest and most
thirsty OF your employees"
The gay and festive nature Of the Jet
ter caused a notice TO be sent TO the
windy scribe telling him TO refrain from
Righteousness In the future.