The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1904-01-19
THE NONPAREJL MAN

0HPPSry SiaceS, Someflme8 ais on
His Brow and Has to Have Stitches
Taken In His Scalp by the Harness
n1aker-The Adrian Democrat Shifts
It's Ballast and Is Hurled Violently
Down Steep Place into the Street.
The Adrian Democrat man, unlike the
wicked, did not stand in slippery places.
He fell. He records the unpleasant incl
dent thus:
& Early last Thursday morning as the editor
was coming down the State bank steps, while
they were covered with frost, his pedals slipped
out from under him and he lit on his bump of
self-esteem like Stalled OK. His head struck
one OF the steps and Jared the building from
turret to foundation stone. good Samaritan
earth had quoke. The scribe was found trying
to rise from recumbent position. There was
hole in the back of his head about the size OF
seSVe in oo0r He felt the wound and OBJ
temple. Happily, however, the injury mi nDV was
raised on the five points of fellowship. The
harness-maker took few stitches in his scalp
and n now ! ne looks where he puts his hoofs.
for all of us. We wax fat and forget,
like Jeshurun Of old, and the next thing
we know the very earth leaps up and
slaps us on the wrist. Brethren, let us
walk softly and not lift up our voices and
cry: Aha! Aha!" else judgment over
taketh US and 10, we are removed from
green pastures to the violent ward-and
serve us right, confound our pictures!
Coming up from the courthouse yester-
Gay from most enjoyable session of
taxpaylng, we were about ten steps be-
hind gentleman who was suddenly sur
prised, apparently painfully so, at meet
ing q woman on the corner of Fifth
street and Third avenue S. They spoke
together and started to walk up the street.
We were panied to see the gentleman
turn around, as II to look down the street,
and remove in a covert, guilty manner
from his face about an inch Of Piper
Heidsieck eating tobacco and then turn
back and resume the conversation in a
sprfghtly and interested way in an en-
deavor to cover up his tracks.
Was the lady his wife, and did he fool
her by this little trick?
It was impossible to tell. She appeared
not to notice. But you can't fool ma
ma so easily as all that. We will wager
that the tall of her eye caught papa"
In the dastardly act and a little later he
will hear from it.
Mama may have duty to perform
an unpleasant but necessary duty. We
fear the worst for that man.
In the Calderone trial Fred McGhee
Of St. Paul came up with long green
bag that excited much speculation Il
Calderone depending on the long green for
acquittal?
Governor Dunn has abolished the gov
ernors staff. For Sale Cheap-A few
bales Of gold lace. Apply to the St. Paul
tailors
The car may try his best to stop the
war, but it is as difficult a stunt as it
is to keep the southern agriculturist from
shooting when he sees the colored brother
emerging from his hencoop at daybreak
An autopsy on a young fellow of %
in New York last week showed that he
had the vital organs of a man of Is,
says cheerful dispatch from the Dutch
metropolis. What gets us is how that
old man of Is Is getting along without
his vital organs, now that the young fell
low is dead and cannot restore them
That is. we assume that he is dead, so
few people survive an attack of autopsy.
letter from the furniture king Of
Austin, MIMI, stands pat on all his poetry
and encloses another gem Of immortal
verse to show. that he is still weighing
poetic foot along the streets Of Austin.
Mr.. rCressey sings as follows:
Remember, this king is an unknown friend; tar
On his throne, labors, as he sits,
While outsiders are planning to give him fits,
Large, strong, good-looking and wise,
To take care Of people that are tired of living,
but dies,
While man in this art might be used as
tool
Nevertheless, he gains the prize,
AS it ALWAYS pays to advertise.
The little poetic touch in the above
about taking care of people that arc
triad Of Twin h,,f &c
to the fact that the furniture king COM
bines undertaking with the more prosaic
matter of selling tables, beds and per-
ambulators. In a note regarding his gift
the poet says:
1 could entertain you along original poetical
lines about my business. But. thank God. I
have gift directed in mercantile business far
different (thus far) from any Of the so-called
furniture and undertakers. Thanking you for
conrtesies. I am. etc. etc.
1t is rumored in Austin literary circles
that the furniture king may publish a
book in the spring. Certainly as simple a
form of dissipation as this can do no
one any harm.
If you drank your share of the booze
consumed in the United States last year
you put away 1879 gallons of alcoholic
stimulant We have known certain bril-
liant geniuses who tried to consume their
per capita in an evening rather than be
behind at the end of the year. The at
tempt, while a mastery one, was not
wholly successful.
Speaking of such brilliant spurts of in
tellect we note with sorrow that during
the last thirty years there died in Eu-
rope Of alcoholism a total of 1850, 900
people. That is more people than were
killed in all the wars of the nineteenth
century. The authority for these state
ments is Matti Helenius, a member of the
faculty of the University Of Denmark.
who goes on to show that in Denmark
one out Of every seven men who die be-
Of alcoholism. Shall Denmark get ahead
of us? Are we living up to our posi-
bilities in the tank line?
Yesterdays Minneapolis Journal caught
all Of us roll-top-d desk farmers and had
US a-gong inside Of a minute. There
was glorious Minnesota nursery stock
supplement, telling how you could get
thirty acres of land and set 1t out to
crab apples and other hardy stock and
make a fortune almost before you knew
it. There was 4 nice picture of Mr.. Ly-
mans 37-year-old crab with a spread Of
forty feet Of branches that bore $40 worth
of fruit in 1892. After you got your farm
going all you would have to do would be
to pick apples and deposit your checks in
the bank. incidentally 200 biddies would
be picking up bugs for a living in tho
orchard and keeping a steady stream
Of wealth rolling in. that your wife could
use to buy her hats with. Certainly a
man is four kinds Of a varicolored chump
to be wearing out his life in dusty office
full Of carbon dioXide OF dude cigarette
and other bad air when he can live like a