The Billings gazette. [volume] (Billings, Mont.) 1896-1919, 1904-02-23
FOE Doa,E &C.
Shafts Of Wit Enliyen E1otei
Association Dinner.
DUEL BETWEEN RIVAL EUMoRTsTs

Declares That Gotham's ~Innkeepers
Can Fool All the People All the
Time.
Never have the hotel men Of New
York enjoyed so fine ii reunion as tlH
IF the other night, when they celebrated
the tWen5-ffth anniversary Of the
Hosel soeiation with a banquet at
Delnaaico5
Simeon Ford and Patrick T. Murphy
fonsht a slraWd battle Of wit for tile
after dinner zpeAin championship Of
the world.
Mr.. Murphy went first to bat.
among the many arts and Sciences
he said, that have come to us from
classic time there is one that was COIN
parafiyeiy unknown to the Greeks and
Romans, bur which today has reached
it's acIae of perfection under the cultiva-
ton Of the hotel men.
1T is tie science which teaches how
to get the greatest possible amount OF
benefit from a guest at the least posi-
bic mount of cost to the hotel.
"One Of the great fruits Of this sci
ence is forcing the guest to pay the
wages of the hotel help, and it is ar
ranged and shaped in such a scientific
anEe that the public imagine they
are doing ii Of their own free will-un-
der tie name Of gratuities or tips.
This tipping system was created by
way of furnishing an outlet for lie
o~verfiowing simplicity CT a guileless
public, and there is something siyly
.satirical about the institution when we
reflect that the word tip is an abbrevia-
ton and was originally called d 7. T..
p, the initial letters of three words,
To Insure Promptness.'
Il am speaking the sentiments of a
large and emaciated constituency when
/ say that Abraham Lincoln's famous
phrase in literature is now shattered,
for hotel men ean fool all OF the people
all of the time.
''Since the delirium of finance has
swept through the country and left its
impress, like storms Oh the roofs, we
should cultivate cheerfulness and be
satisfied with what is left. 4 multi
millionaire who lost in one day all his
wealth with the exception of 100000
was SO affected by grief that he died
when the news reached him. His
brother, who lad been poor all his life.
inherited the 100000 and died Of Joy
the very day he heard the news"
Simeon Ford looked taller and leaner
and solemner than ever when he arose.
zone year ago. he said. I'VE were
all throwing bouquets at each other be-
cause the wave of prosperity had
struck us. Well, that wave pretty
nearly swamped US, and we are now
dashed to the mast and sending up sig
nails Of distress, and unless the board
ers get together and come to our aid
we are liable to founder in deep water,
and there will be naught to mark our
resting place I've a few bubbles.
Wherever a hotel man rests a few
bubbles are always in evidence.
"The worst misfortune which can be-
fall a hotel man is to experience an
era of prosperity. We can handle adj
versity easy enough, because we are
used to it, but the minute the hotel
keeper shows his head above water ev-
cry capitalist in the land wants a fin
ger in the. pie, buys a $1,000,0O % corner.
erects a $5,0O0,0OO tower and prepares
to sit in the game.
mo man in this room can name one
half of the new hotels erected in this
city during the year and wouldn't want
to if he could. They are as the sands
OF the sea. We are suffering from un-
digested hotels. Some day they may
all be filled, but the balance of the
United States will have to be depopu-
lated to do it.
1.-THE American public has dropped
about $4,000, 100000 this year in the
shrinkage of insecurities, and they are
now trying to get it all back by econo-
MIXING on their hotel expenditures.
Maybe you think this pessimistic
talk is begotten of Jealousy because |
run an old fashioned place. Not at ali.
I am on velvet. I have made my pile,
and it is safely invested in Steel COM
mon, Amalgamated Copper and Ship
building securities, and nobody can take
it away from me-that is, I haven't
succeeded in finding anybody willing to
do so as yet.
"There are two very dangerous gangs
of men now at large in the city to
which we call the attention of the new
police commissioner. One works around
the Grand Gel raj depot and are called
bunco steerers or gold brick promul-
gators. The other prowls about the
lower end of the city, and we call them
1nanciers. The one gathers in the hay
seeds and jayhawks. and the other
takes in all the rest Of the population.
"But what's the use of knocking?
"This is our twenty-ifth annual ban
quet, our silver anniversary, so why
should we repine? Wouldn't it be nice
II the public would celebrate our silver