The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1904-06-16
THE NoNPAREIL MAN

THE N0NPAREIL MAN
How Uncle Button Smith Of "InJeanny"
Harvested Flfty-Year Crop OF Wills
kers This sprlns-Happy Sequel Of the
Free Soil Campaign of 1854.
Fifty years ago Button Smith Of
Indiana vowed not to shave his beard
or cut his hair for half century I'M
didate in 1854 The Free Sellers did not
elect their candidate, owing to an in
sufficiency Of votes. So MIR. Smith has
neglected the barber shop for the last
fifty years. The result has been that the
winds of Indiana have tried in vain to
get thru the rich luxurance Of his WhiS-
kers.
On his eighty-f1fth birthday Uncle But
ton decided that the time was up, so he
blew into barber shop to have his hair
moved and his whisk erettes hewn off. The
barber nearly dropped in his tracks at the
apparition, but he finally undertook the
biggest contract his shop had ever taken
on. After few vigorous ships Uncle
Button was disentangled from his foliage
and stood forth a free man. There were
several basketsful of the fifty-year crop
| of spinach on the floor, but they were
gathered up and carried off by a sur
prised colored man. Uncle Smith was a
bit topheavy at first, but he managed to
get home, where his wife failed to recog-
| nize him and "hollered" good and plenty
when she found out
Instead of being pleased with the re-
suits. Uncle Button is lonesome for his
whiskers and has started another crop.
/ The British Medical Journal suggests
that las luxuries should be taxed rather
1 a q
ly the result Of luxurious living,
may not unfairly be regarded as
4 a fitting object Of taxation One
4 superiority Of fat. If this Idea, spreads
Fatty will have to get out with the lawn
mower and rip the hay off his lawn to
reduce himself to non taxable proportions.
The Brownsville, Tenn, Tribune says:
/ 6. f. B. Howard, the noted West Tennes-
sean, who has had his ups and downs in every
shape from president of railroad and pastor
of church to tramp and convict in the
federal Penitentiary, will give a lecture on ''The
What, four? Worse and more of it!
{ A writer who has been trying to locate
a claim way out beyond Pierre, S. D.,
complains that the wind out there doesn't
do a thing but blow. And it carries with
falo bones and other detritus. On windy
days they have to keep the museum at
; Pierre shut so the wind won't blow the
sawdust out Of the stuffed Indians. The
writer then tells this tale, which we
doubt: 4H
1--WE tried to cross the river on cattle
boat, but the wind blew down the smoke
stack and put the fires out and the boat
Y backed up and sat sdown on a sandbar
for three hours"
l When these winds are shot Winds they
: do things to the crops.
Senator Dick Of Ohio says that this cam
paign for the republicans is going to be
Ell ''as easy as taking candy from child.'
81 Rev. G. L. Morrill, wishes to state that
the party that put the beer check on his
: contribution plate may obtain the same
$ and some good strong advice with it by
. Icalling on him personally, Marquis. OF
q Queensbury rules to- govern the interview.
= The Indianapolis News has dug up the
= prize nervous man." He had a room
: In hotel and always made a vehement
. protest when the room next to him was
assigned to a transient guest. One day
when the hotel was full a travelling man.
= on his solemn promise not to, make a
,, noise as loud as a pigs whisper, was
. . given the room He hardly dared q breathe
3 he came to retire Thenahe, forgot and
k dropped a shoe. 1t fellFwith a. great noise
d The offending traveller, Mortified at what
II he had done, waited to hear from the ner.
e vous man. Not a sound. He took off the
second shoe and placed it noiselessly upor
) the floor. Then in absolute silence he
finished undressing and crawled between
. the sheets
Half an hour went by. He had dropped
= into a doze when there came a tremen
II dous knocking on the partition.
e The traveller sat up in bed trembling
* and dismayed OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES tht
s. matter?" he asked. Then came the voic,
s. Of the nervous man:
le "Blame you! Drop that other shoe!"
ID The nervous man had been putting in
m bad half hour.
l. The Litchville IN. D. Bulletin has.
IS severe case of the twitters this weel
k because the Litchvilles nine went up tt
8. La Moure and ripped the garments of
g. the La Moure giants by score Of !
le to 6. The Bulletin may perhaps be ex
cused for waxing joyous and full Of fish
bait, because the La Moure Chronicle
~ before the game said:
is Everybody in the county is invited to com
r to La Moure and the Litchylllans take thei
t. medicine the local diamond. 1t will b
to Awful Funny!
This was where the Chronicle erred
ne pllCueF wore Lie nam
of Pokezwinski, and he threw slante
ball that did not belle his name. Henc
in five innings the scorekeeper put dow
So balloons on the score card to the credi
Ut of the La Mourines. The Litchvilles ais
J., failed to see the home plate in six Of tn
= innings, but in the third they dscovere
1t Mr.. SINNERS grapevine and smashed !
err on the tip end of the radius for fou
re tallies. It did the work The game wa
he about over right there. The, La Mour
~ boys want to get one more crack at tn
in Litchvilles. They still think they ca