The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-26
FOOLISH PATENTS.
tdEIE DON'T have to look over so
Wv many tomfool applications for
nafnnf< noUadavS as in former

nonsensicaI contrivances and contraptions.
The chaps who send them are not IN
sane. They are usually briefleSs young
patent attorneys with nothing much on
hand except time.
Not long ago one of these applications
drifted in covering claims for an attach
able tail for stump-tailed dogs The APP
Pncaton was drawn up with great elab-
Grafton. and accompanied by numerous
drawings that must have cost the eX-
penditGre OF considerable time AND effort.
1t was plainly the work of a very idle
young attorney.
THE specifications recited the difficulty
which short-taiied dogs are alleged TO
experience IN turning sharp corners, and
also dweh feellngly upon the obvious
humilia ton with which shOrt-tdlled dogs
regard their abbreviated caudai appen-
dages, especially when they come into
social contact with other dogs better
fications described the attachable tail at
great length. and the application wound
up with numerous serious and technically
worded claims for the propriety of the
invention.
This. OF course, is all fun. or at any
rate il is meant 10 be fun. But many OF
the bona fide applications for patents
are more genuinely. funny than the far
cical applications. Some of the inventions
upon which patents have actually been
issued are little less than amusing.
A man need not be sane 20 get
United States patent. If he submits TO
patentable. he gets his patent. ana quite
a few patents have been issued to men
confined in insane asylums.
There is a never ending stream Of ap-
plications for freak patents Not long
ago a Chicago man applied for a patent
on an electric Og-kiljng APPARATUS. The
eontraption was SO deVlseH that the I'M
suspectins hog stuck his head through an
aperture in an electrically wired compart-
ment. closed a circuit by buttinlz mis-
snOut against d metal sheet and with his
head firmly held within the aperture by
drop clutch apparatus practically COM
mitted involuntary suicide.
Another man from the west applied,
not long ago, Tor a patent on an electrical
horse. The horse is fashioned of alumni
mum, the body completely covered with
every respect the animal is made TO look
as natural as life, even being provided
with movable eyeballs.
THE electrical horse is intended to run
with the natural movements OF sure
enough live horse, and, according to the
applicant is capable of doing a mile a
minute, Just cantering.' as he states. me
applicant doesn't state what he's going
10 do with his electric horse after he gets
his patent-supposing he gets it-but IT IS
presumed that he meditates entering his
imitation runner as ringer in races with
honest and truly live thoroughbreds
"A few years ago queer genius in New
England applied for a patent on an I'M
proved tombstone, metal affair involving
a lot of odd kinks and designed TO resist
wind and weather for many thousands OF
ears The applicant has died since filing
his application, and one OF his tomb
stones adOrns mis- own resting place IN
small Massachusetts village, with the tol-
lowing inscription wrought on the face
of it:
Here lies Wendell, an inventor BY trade.
And this, you will see, is an Invention he
made.
'Tis strange to say. though It's most
That he made it while living and enjoyed
il when dead.
Still slowed away somewhere in the
basement, | believe. is the rough model
of combined plough and cannon. pat
e1t upon which was applied for by
Nebraska farmer. His tarm was near
the Sioux reservation, and the cannon at
tachment to mis- plough was meant Tor
the sun dancing Ogailalas VINO engaged IN
farm raiding-
While ploughing in his field the crafty
agriculturlst could. by simply turning ms
plough upside down, loan small but
effective cannon WhereWith to shoot or
scare the proving red persons Ihc cam
non was provided with IN ammunition
box ans ali Of the appliances necessary
Tor the proper serving Of the piece.
Another queer application from d west
ern farmer was for patent on a thing
ne called hen pusher.~ II was intended
10 prevent hens from scratching ana
monkeying around in garden patches.
attached 10 the hen feet so that when
she dug into the ground she WAS gently
pushed forward by the hook and sprIng
apparatus.
Another application for patent on
a device for the beWi lderment of the
abused hen, ca ne in aWnIle 40. & was
called patent hens nest. he IDEA OF
II was TO prevent weasels. rats ana the
like from raidng hens nests and sucking
the eggs.
-Ihrre was a small hole. concealed by
natural looking straw flap i'm the bot
tom of the nest and through this secret
OTifice the egg, as soon as the hen laid IL,
was dropped TO padded compartment
below 4 here was lOt OF meauness about
that device, in my opinion. But some OF
these agricultural inventors are forever
1lXIng up underhand devices for the hu-
IMITATION and discOuragement of the hen
"A few years ago a machine caIied the
mechanical hcusemSid was actually
patented The apparatus churns butter,
washes and irons clothes, rocks the baby
ans. performs all the rest OF the house
hold work except the fancy sewing ana
putting the cat out at night. The paJentce,
IN his specifications described the opera
ton or The machine at great length
You place Your baby in the cradle.
he wrote, in essence, your cream III the
churn, your clothes to be washed in the
receptacle provided therefor, etc, and
the rest was the mereSt turning of
magical crank mat started ali " these
various activities TO buzZing.
"A peculiar patent actually granted,
for the saving OF human lire from burn
ing buildings * portable parachute con
uuVancc which the inventor aims to have
installed in every room of every hotel on
the globe. The man who Is caught on the
twelfth or twentieth floor OF 4 burning
hotel has only to fasteu the parachute
fumly 10 his head by means of chain and
neck straps, and then jump into space,
with Or~WIIhOut a mUttered prayer.
Before dOnnlng the portable parachute
he has fastened shoes with thick rubber
SOles TO his reet-the shoes being part OF
the aDparatus-in order to give him a
geEtle bounce when he hits the 81 Ounc
The chap who invented this thing gave a
demonstration OF the working OF The con-
trivance before he received his patent
koppin goff the roof OF a hotel m a west
ern city, unbeknOwn 10 the proprietor OF
the hosiery.
The parachute opened up all right but
the inventors descent was so extremely
gradual and deliberate that he was con-
sderably more than three parts hanged
by the neck when he reached the crOund
AN invention for the terrifying OF rats
and mice was patented long ago, and 1
understand that 1t has become 4 seller
The invention was simply a papier mache
cat provided with luminous eyes. The
IDEA is to plunk the PAPER machc cat
down before rat hole and the luminous
eyes do the rest.
"All sorts of patents have been granted
for rendering the milking of COWS easy or
easier. Orvfne Grant. a brother If Gen
eral Grant, got out one of these patents
The fact that it wasn't particularly prac-
tiCable Was manifested by General
Grants description of how it worked
'Orville tried the thing on an IN
trained COW. that had no respect for
patents said General Grant. 'Orville
didn't look so pretty when he got through
but he knew - sight more
"A Chicago man who stated In his ap-
plication that he had been twice held up
H. Il
to shoot 10 death with the pistol he
carried on his person because he didn't
want to nave the shedding of human
blood on his soul, applied for a patent
ON hollow bullet with q gelatinc tin