davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

ment OF Commerce and Labor, was a
simple stenographer before he was Sec
rotary to the President
Now. 1 don't believe that Secretary
Cortelyou was ever a simple afenO-
grapher. and / doa't want my boy TO
take a course IN stenography or ply
from a school which is so careless in
speaking Of our new Cabinet officer.
When / read that article l lost faith
in that school. and am OF opinion that
its promoters had best get some really
good newspaper man TO take charge Of
the ma gazine department"
You have heard of fellows with too
much booze. who said they were top
heavy" remarked Representative Sher-
ley, Of Kentucky 'Well, years ago there
was a young man brought before the
bar-court-ln Louisville. charged with
stealing couple of pieces of lead pipe.
Suppose he had what is now termed a
lead-pipe cinch The lead was found IN
his overcoat pockets when he was ar
rested. and IL looked like a dead case
against the young fellow, whose face
clearly indicated that he had been fight
ing Indians The fellow put up a most
novel defense. declaring that he was
forced 10 take the lead-pipe and hao
not the remOtest idea Of stealing It.
q" How is that-forced TO stealg asked
the Judge.
- I took it for a good purpose. your
honor was the answer
" TO sell TO buy more rum. I suppose.
said the judge.
" Wrong, your honor. 1 already had
too much Of the. ardent
=" Drunkenness does not excuse crime.
d" 1t was no crime. your honor. While
was pretty full. ] still had reason. !
wanted 70 get 10 my home and I was
quite ayering-staggering-
short. deprived of my equilibrium. II
seemed to me that my head was the
heaviest. and IN order to make a bal
ance. II possible, I took the lead and
placed II in my pockets, hoping 10 get
balance and reach home safely
'lngenious-Quite ingenious, sir said
l the Judge. but I'll have TO fine you a
dollar 20 prevent the spread OF such
balancing tactics"
Shooting irons, as the boys out my
way call firearms. have been the cause
OF many Deaths" said Representative
Gregg OF Texas, land l never read OF
death by this route that l am not
reminded OF an inscription which can
be FOUND on a tombstone in one OF the
churchyards in the State Of Arkansas.
II reads,
60 This stone is sakred TO the memry
Of William Hardy. who came TO his
death by fooling with a Colts revolver.
/ one Of the old kind, brass mounted. and
Of such Is the kingdom OF Heaven.
Representative Johnson OF South Caro-
lima. who was a listener, said: Guess
the inscription is all right. but its pow
erful bad punctuation-about as bad as
that which makes en- inscription read
awfully funny on tombstone in a
burial ground in my State / have
never seen It but have been told that it
reads:
d" Erected TO the memory OF John
Dawson. who was accidentally shot as
a mark Of affection by his brother
Il told one o. my Republicans about
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

A Washington newspaper man has a
little girl who gets some original say
ings. few days ago she asked her
mother TO hear her Sunday school les.
son The mother sminngly assented,
and. taking the book. asked:
who was the first rlan7''
Adam" was the quick response.
And who was the first woman
Adams mother. or course"
1t required some time 20 convince the
little one that she was In error
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

Il was an innocent and not a wicked
little fellow who asked his m6ther when
his papa would come back from Balti.
more.
Your papa has gone 70 help put on.
the great fire which is burning up Bal
timore." answered the mother.
He won't stay thereT'
mo; he viii come home, trust and
pray"
But he might get ali burned Up,
mamma"
mo. no. child: hope not"
Wen, II he gets su burned up we will
have his bones 20 make the 'sparagus
bed. mamma"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

this. and he simply laughed and said
1hat we people of South Carolina had
tions."
There lived near the Blue Ridge I'm
my State an aged hardsheH minister
relates Representative Hay, of Virginia.
The good old man was somewhat adj
dicted to imbibing Dutch courage, and
ne could swig immense quantities Of It.
too. After taking several sniffiers one
Sunday hs attempted to preach. but his
tongue was so thick that he couldn't
get farther than my beloved brethren
There was painful struggle between
celestial spirits and ardent spirits-a
struggle between good religion and bad
whisky. But words failed him; rounds
or pearly drops OF sweat stood out on
his forehead. which he mopped of with
his red bandana. Finally. he blurted
cat. My brethren, 1 feeI-Iike-Iike-'
But that was as far as he c0llld get.
He ducked down behind the high puIpit
moment. then stretched himself up
Ike one Of these jumping jacks, and
with an a-hem' he said:
My brethren: I feels like a corn
house what Is locked up an the KEY is
lost. Thar won't be any gospel today
from this pulpit
This good story is told by Representa-
tive Robinson OF Indiana:
"A friend OF mine-one OF those d
literary fellows'-wGs telling me the
oreer day about a certain said-to-b be bril-
liant man who visited his den. During
the visit the brilliant man talked at
some length on literature, naming over
a dozen or more recently issued books
which he told my friend he should
read.
-" My time is so thoroughly and COM
| pletely taken up with my papers that I
have little time to read books said my
friend
e" Bother take the time. You will find
that reading such books will rest you
from your labor and sharpen your intel
| lect.' continued the brilliant man.
" The little time I have 1 devote to
| few OF the poets
60 Do you like Bryanty'
Just moderately. I find his Pc
gasus rather tame than otherwise.
Yes, you are right there. His Pc
gasus is tanner than any OF his other
rcems
THAT settled it. and my friend had TO
make several trips 70 the Hole in the
Wall before he could finish up his work
that day"
One OF the national lawmakers from
Maine related the following interesting
story in one of the cloak rooms a few
days ago:
Many years ago. before the eastern
part OF my State was very thickly set
tied, two explorers in what is now
| Aroostook county stopped at rude
cabin Inhabited by an Irish family The
man OF the house was absent. but his
vile was home, guarding the property,
and she declined to furnish the men
! FOOD ana lodging. AS the men were
! reputable and law-abiding, they felt
keenly this turn down and one OF
them, something of a wag, told rhe
woman that in revenge fer her I'M
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

My dear children" said the Sunday
school teacher. III you are good boys
and girls you Will grow up good men
and women and have a crown Of glory. %
Then he went on and told them a great
many good things which were IN store
Tor the good ones. and asked:
Now. which one OF you can tell ne
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27
Major Fred Hodgson tells this:

Major Fred Hodgson tells this.
"A little girl had attended Sunday
school and this lesson was about
Methuselah. When she went home she
seemed IN deep study. and after a time
she asked her mother.
" Mamma do you believe that Methu-
Eslah lived 20 be nine hundred and sixty
years oid2
e" why. certainly. Dolly. The Bible
tells US so, and II must be true. was the
answer
This did not satisfy the young seeker
after facts, and after asking her father.
brother. sister, and a few neighbors. she
announced that she believed Il was some
Of the navy-yard gossip"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

a respectful hearing. The woman claim
ed that she met Jesus in the WCodshed'
and that he told her to 90 and preach
the gospel and to call herself .SojOurner
Truth
1T is stated that on one occasion
when wen-kaown lecturer was tour
ing the South against slavery this gen
tleman was not listened to with one
whit more respectful attention than
was the negro woman, whose very
words burned with power and flame.
How she knew 50 much about slavery
no one could ever understand. but she
was always ready 10 explain fully every
point she made. One night after a great
meeting there came up a severe rain
storm ACCOMPANIED by thunder and
lightning. Many of the negroes were
almost frantic from fear and one negro
called. out that he feared all would be
lost:
journer, fer mos likely de good Lawd
nebber hern of you
Failure of a page TO do something
which Senator Cullom of illinois had
requested, caused that gentleman 20 re-
late the following story regarding a good
minister who lived near Moline, his
State:
" net near anyone say 4 AtA 6SN
am always reminded of how a preacher
got that word tangled up. He was not
a very well read man and went into his
sermons IN a heller SHELTER fashion. On
this particular Sabbath morning the
minister selected his text from the first
chapter of Matthew, second verse, and
read out:
Abraham forgot Isaac. and Isaac
r q
and his brethren
Right from the sump the expounder
of the Scriptures seemed to get in deep
water. not only in his reading of the verse,
but when he made his attempt TO ana
I'VE and draw his conclusions. he said:
MY friends, this passage of Scripture
is put in this book to teach rs the short
ness CT human memory; the old and the
young forget in this day and generation,
and il does appear to me that them old
Detraacks were powerful forgitful.'
q forget. myself. sometimes. added the
Senator "and I cannot conscientiously
find very great fault with others who do
the same. always remembering the
words of the good old minister. them
old pa traaclxs We're powerful forgitful.' q"
Representative Jenkins of wisconsin
while discussing with a group of friends
the Postoffice investigation report, told
this good story:
Judges Norton and Nelson held high
rank on the bench In my State years ago.
The former was stern and dignified, al
most to a painful-at least, uneomforta-
ble-degree; the latter was a wit and
careless Of decorum. and with a sharp
penetrating voice. On one occasion at a
swell dinner Judge Norton was deliver
ing an address on the early days of Wis
consin, and told how he was caught in
a terrific rain. lightning and thunder
storm one night while going to a neigh
boring town to hold court.
" 'The scene was an awful one, said
S33se Ne<AcA and I expected every
moment the lightning would strike the
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

Senator Stone OF Missouri declares the
only way 20 carve a watermelon Is to
bust 'er," but says that every State
has a peculiar way OF doing things as
well their own style OF pronunciation
1T is said that when the first tide OF
New England settlers began to drift to
Kansas" said the Senator. Nilsson
rians tied a COW at each crossing Of the
Missouri River. II the emigrant said
COW he was permitted to cross. but II
he pronounced it 'keow' he was told 10
return to the East. because the natives
were satisfied ne was an evil-minded
abolitionist. The Kansas people evened
up by tying a bear on their side OF the
river, and II the immigrant said bear
he was given the right hand Of fellow
ship, but II he pronounced It bar he
was given an hour TO get back TO Mis-
souri, because he was an advocate OF
slavery.
so that's about the size OF II where
ever you gO-everybody 10 their own Xix
ing in the matter OF pronunciation and
carving q watermelon"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27
HE'LL FOR POAsrAGE.

$50 now when hear anything about
trouble in the Postoffice Department my
mind goes back to the held for postage
notice"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

zone OF my boys has been annoying
the life out OF me about taking a course
in a certain school Of correspondence IN
Pennsylvania. said a Representative
from North Carolina. and when 7 went
home yesterday the young fellow hand
ed me a magazine which IS issued by
the school and asked me to look It over
and see what thought OF It, The first
article read was on the wonderful ad-
vantages OF knowing shorthand. and IN
what little time the school could drill it
into the heads Of students by their
teach-by-mail system. Then the article
went on 20 give the names OF several
prominent men who began life as steno,
graphers. saying that Hon. George Cor
telyou. now Secretary Of the Depart
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

4 lady IN the northeast section gave
one OF her little tots an express wagon
for Christmas. and a few days ago he
came laundering into her room drawing
the wagon and asked:
Mamma, do you want to buy some
fceg''
mo. dear; It IS too cold for ice" was
the reply.
Il know it's cold. but this is hot ice.
mamma"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

dren. and has several ''responsi-
bilities' at HIS home. Recently he was
playing with one Of the children and
rubbed his face-which he had neglected
70 take TO the barber shop-against the
child's- The stubby beard did not feel
pleasant 70 the little one. and she cried
out:
Don't papa. don'tl You've got pep
pers on your face"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

this. and he simply laughed and said
that we people OF South Carolina had
peculiar ways OF showing ous4 anec-
tions"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27

Elizabeth Webb was a pretty under
graduate Of the old Augusta Female
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1904-03-27
REPRESENTATIVES. ADA1lsoN Of

dren. and has several .responsl-
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1904-05-02
CLOSING ARGUMENTS
Of Mr.. Heath and Mr.. Baker in the
Water District Case.

The Journal promised its readers to
publish extended abstracts Of the may
terly arguments of Mr.. Heath and Mr..
Baker in the Water District hearing,
and takes pleasure in now redeeming
it's promise.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
Unknown to Women.

Every woman should read, without
fail, the following paragraph. She
will learn something about herself she
never knew before.
Thompson's Barosma is not only a
wonderful kidney, liver and bladder
cure, but has a particular advantage
as remedy for Chronic Female Weak
ness, Palpitation of the Heart, bearing
down sensations, Nervous Debility,
Leucorrhoea or Whites, and Dropsical
Swellings It's peculiar advantage lies
In the fact that it is both female reg
ulator and kidney, liver and bladder
cure. The womb is situated back of
and very close to the bladder. A wo-
man having any pain or distress in the
back or side at once attributes it to fe.
male weakness when many times her
trouble is entirely from the kidneys or
bladder. Hence a woman making this
grave mistake will find a sure remedy
In Thompson's Barosma, for whether
she is suffering from womb disorder or
any disease of the kidneys, liver and
bladder, Barosma will effect a perma.
nent cure For this two-fold reason
Thompson's Barosma Is the best wo.
mans remedy on the market. Thomp-
sons Dandelion and Mandrake Pills
should be used with the Barosma, for
the liver and constipation. They are
purely vegetable and do not grippe.
Sold by c. W. Grier, druggist.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
Sold by c. W. Grier, druggist
Trustees Sale

By virtue of a certain deed Of
trust executed TO me, the under.
signed trustee, on the 24th day of
December, 1896, and recorded IN
the Clerks office of the County
Court of Tyler county, West Wiz
ginia, In deed of trust book number
7, page $40, executed by P. A,
Shanor, In trust to secure to 6. B.
West the payment of a certain
promlsory note bearing even date
with said deed drawn by the said
P. A. Shanor, In the sum of two
hundred and fifty dollars (S25o)
with interest, and payable to the
order of the said G. B. West thirty
days from the date thereof and de-
fault having been made in the pay
ment of said note, and having been
requested by the said G. B. West
so to dol will on Saturday the 10Th
day OF March, 1904, at ten o'clock
a. m. of said day, at the front door
of the property hereinafter de-
scribed, sell by way OF public auc-
ton to the highest bidder, the one
story frame dwelling house situated
on Brown Betty street In the town
of Sistersville, County of Tyler and
State of West Virginia, on the
south side of said street on lot
beginning II feet west from Pike
street and extending west 20 feet,
which said property was formerly
occupied by P. A, Shanor as a resi-
dence, also all that certain lease
hold estate upon which said house
said house Is built and situate, terms
of sale cash.
c. W. GRIER,
2 IS 1mo Trustee.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
Wakeful Children

For a long time the two year old
child ,ofsMr P. L, Mcpherson, SO
N. Tenth street, Harrisburg, Pa,
would sleep but tive or three hours
the early part of the night, which
made 1t very hard for her parents.
Her mother concluded that the
child had stomach trouble, and gave
her half of one of Chamberlain's
Stomach and Liver Tablets, which
quieted her stomach and she slept
the whole night through. Two
boxes of these tablets have effected
a permanent cure and she Is now
we'll and strong. For sale by CIV.
Grier.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
Tragedy AVerted

Gust In the nick of time our lit
tie boy was saved" writes Mrs. w.
Watkins of Pleasant City, Ohio,
Pneumonia had played sad havoc
with him and terrible cough set In
besides. Doctors treated him, but
he grew worse every day. AT
length we tried DR.. Dr.King's New
Discovery tor Consumption, and
our darling was saved. He's SOW
sound and we'll" Everybody ought
to know, It's the only sure cure for
coughs, colds and all lung diseases.
Guaranteed by D. A. Henderson,,
druggist. Price 50 C and 81. Trial
bottles free.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
A Literal Minded Class.

A teacher in one of the schools near
Philadelphia had one day been so dis
turbed by the buzzing Of lips and shut
fling of feet Of the children that she
was on the verge of distraction. Final
ly she said: children. | cannot stand
so much noise. Please be quiet for a
little while. at least. Let me see If you
can't be so still that you could hear a
pin drop"
Instantly every child became as still
as a mouse. Then a little boy in back
seat piped out, with marked impa
ience:
"Well. let her drop"-Philadelphia
Ledger.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
2 IS In1o
Special Receivers Sale Of Oil
Lease, Oil Wells and Machin-

SpECldI NCCCINCI SuIO vi VII
Lease, Oil Wells and Machin-
cry,
William Harrington VS. Union
OH Company, ct al,
In Equity. In the Circuit Court
of the United States for the North
ern District of West Virginia.
Pursuant to degree entered In
the above entitled cause on the grid
day of March, 1904, the under
signed special receiver of said court
will offer for sale to the highest and
best bidder,at public auction, at the
front door of the United States
House and Post Office building, In
the City of Parkersburg, Wood
county, West Virginia, beginning
at two o'clock p. M, on the
3Ist Day Of March, 1904.
the following property, to.wit: A
lease made by D. Carmichael to G
R. McGranahan, F. E. Metzger
and W. H. Ebinger, dated the 27th
day of May, 1899, to tract of no
acres of land, situated in Tyler
county, West Virginia, the pramises
described in said lease being there
In bounded and described as fol
lows, to wit: On the north by lands
of R. A Gorrell, J. N. Gorrell and
Silas Smith, On the east by lands
Of Martin heirs; on the south by
lands of R. A. Gorrell; On the west
by lands of R A.Gorreli; and which
said lease Is recorded IN the
clerks Office of the county
Court of Tyler county, West VIr-
ginia, In deed book No. SO, pages
$50 900. And the property on
said leasehold to be sold therein as
follows, to-wit; I rs II. P. Boiler;
I % II. P. Warren engine, IS joints
10 casing 400 feet, 81 joints 81
caslog 74o feet, L wood rig; wood
rig, % Il P. engine, 1870 II, P.
boiler, 1900 feet 81 In the hole,
1860 feet tubing and rods In well,
1880 barrel tank, 1900 barrel
tank, I iron gas tank,1 10 inch belt,
I set tubing block, tubing line, 1000
feet of 2 inch line pipe. s 2 inch
stop cocks, and $50 water tank.
Terms of sale-cash.
GRANVILLE Stout
A. mo d Special Receiver
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
Fayorite Remedy For Babies

It's pleasant taste and prompt
cures have made Chamberlain S
Cough Remedy a favorite with the
mothers of small children. 1t
quickly cures their coughs and colds
and prevents any danger from
pneumonia or other serious conse-
quences. 1t not only cures Group,
but when given as soon as the
croupy cough appears will prevent
the attack. For sale by {. W.Grier.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
For sale at Opera House Drugstore

Greatly Reduced One-Way COlsnisf
Fares to the West Via. b, IL o. X. X.
During the months of March and
April the Baltimore and Ohio rail-
road will place on sale daily, from
all stations, One Way Colonists
Tickets to principal points In Call
fornia, Arizona, British Columbia,
Colorado, Montana, New Mexico,
Oregon, South Dakota, Texas, Utah,
Washington, Wyoming, etc., at
Greatly Reduced Rates.
For tickets and full information,
call on or address Ticket Agents,
Baltimore & Ohio Railroad.
IS to429
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
Ii Saved His Leg.

P. A. Danforth of LAGRANGE, Ca,
suffered for six months with a
frightful running sore on his leg;
but writes that Bucklen's Arnica
Salve wholly cured 1t In FIVE days.
For ulcers, wounds, piles, 1t Is the
best salve In the world. Cure
guaranteed. Only 25cts Sold by
D. A. Hendershott, druggist.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
pre,.v, and Example.

Johnny lad come III with a story OF
remarkable automobile he had just
seen. He declared that it was "as big
as house,
"Now, Johnny" said his father Sc
verely. won know ii was not as big as
a house Why do you exacgerate things
so? rye talked 10 you a million times
about that habit Of yours. and 1t
doesn't SEEN To do bit Of good"
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
Lirlit on Finance.

"Say, mister" began the rural Cit
zen as he meandered into the village
editors presence, I'D like few git :.
leetle light on that air financial queS
ton"
"You didn't make any mistake in
coming to me-" replied the molder OF
public opinion. for if there is any on
on earth light on finance it is your
trIlly"
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
Nan Born Unto Trouble.

"Of course said the optimist, "if a
man gets into the habit of hunting
trouble he's sure to find it."
yes" replied the pessimist, land II
he's so lazy that he always tries to
avoid it it will find him. So what's the
difference" -Philadelphia Press.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
A Costly Mistake.

Witherby-J made the mistake OF
my life this morning. l told my wife
I didn't like her new gown.
Plankington-What, was she angry!
WHherby-Oh. no; it wasn't that
But she wants another.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
Headache Cure.

For headache make the following So
luton: Mix a handful Of salt in a
quart of water, asding one ounce Of
spirits of hartshorn and half an ounce
Of camphoracsd spirits Of wine. Soak
a cloth with this and apply to the fore
head, wetting it as it becomes dry.
Sistersville daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1902-1905, 1904-03-19
House and Lot For Sale

The handsome home of AS, Nc
Coy, corner of Main and Catherine
streets, including the lot, Is for sale:
House has gas, water, bath and
electric lights. Possession given at
once. For terms and price rpply
at the house. tt