The Birmingham age-herald., 1904-10-23
ON THE WAR.
BY F. p. DUNNE. Copyright. 1904. by Mcclure, Phillips & Go.

This is tur-ible war" said MT. Hem messy.
 "Nawthin' tur-ible about It." said MT. Dooley. It's a war. l can't say more thin that All tn other wars ye've iver shone in has been ayther German wars, which Is carried on be markin examin- ation papers, or English wars, which is tn same as stealth money from childher, or our late gloryous war, which Is like gettin' dhrunr an bein fined twinty mill lyon dollars or hundred years in the Philippeens. But this is rale war. It's d gloryous war. What cud be finer to tn iditor iv ! London newspaper thin tn spictacle which he can we'll imagine iv tn Jap'nese hurlin' thimsilves at their gigantic foe an recklessy layin' down their lives that England may live? An what cud be more sublime to a warlke banker in Paris thin tn thought iv tn increased activity on tn banks iv tn Loyang? It ought to stir tn blood in tn heart of iV'ry American citizen.
 Tt don't in mine," said MT. Hennessy.
 'It ought to-, said MT. Dooley. War is fine thing. Or perhaps I'm wrong. Annyhow It's a 'sthrange thing. Here s tn Czar iv Rooshya an here tn Imp'ror iv Japan. They have diff'rence iv opin- yon. All right, says l, lave thim fight it out. It's a good healthful exercise. I'll arrange tn prelimnaris, fix tn polls an. be hivns. I'll riferee tn fight. I make tn offer now. Amy time amy two high spirited monarchs feel that their rifle blood threatens to blow up I'll arrange ivrything down to tn photygrafts Whin- iver tn boys are ready I'll find the barn. An tn offer also goes fir sicreties iv state.
 But what happens? A couple iv stout, middle aged gintlemin get into con- throvarsy. Instead of layin their stove- pipe hats on tn table an mixin 1t up, they hurry home an invite frybody in tn house 10 go out an do their war maxim fir thim. They set up on tn roof an encourage tn scrap Go in there Olafn 'Banzai, Hip Lung yere doin well fir mel There goes wan iv me brave fellows. I'd almost send something to his widow if I cud larn her namen An so 1t goes. Bill 1vanovitch is settin' at home with his wife an forty small childher He has jus done good days wurruk an his small salary iv nine cints is jing- lin in his pocket. He sets at tn head iv tn table carvin' tn candle an just as he has distributed tn portion among tn family an kept tn wick fir himself there's a knock at tn dure an a man in a fur cap calls nlm away 10 tnfaNel elRnt thousand versts, verst bein' Schwarts- meister's way iv describin a mile on Rooshyan railroad. an fight fir Gawd an his czar. It's tn or firm. Whiniver I'm called on to fight fir Gawd an me coun- thry I'd like to be sure that tn senyor partner had been consulted. But Bill Ivanovtch puts on his coat, kisses tn family goodbye, an tn nex' his wife sees iv him is a pitcher iv tn ol man an a Jap he niver met before locked in an endurin embrace, an both iv thim as dead as amy sMikado or czar cud wish their most He subjick. Tn Jap don't know what it's all about. In Japan he was a horse. There ar're no rale horses in Japan. If they were tn people wud have more to eat. So tn citizens iv tn counthry harness thimslves up an haul the wagons. All ye have to say to Jap is Get up an he moves. So tn Mikado says. Cit ap' and tn little fellow laves his firesde an his wives an families an niver comes home no more. Tn best he gets whin he is kilt Is remark in tn news firm Tokyo that Gin'ral Odzoos plans is wurrukin fab'rbly. That ought to make him feel good.
 Now, if I had me way, Hinnessy. I wudden't let tn common people fight at all. That's tn way it used to be. Whin wan iv tn or kings in Brian Borus day