Barbour County index. [volume] (Medicine Lodge, Kan.) 1880-current, 1904-04-20
HowWe ApriI-FooIe
Uncle Jed
BY. CLARA AUGUSTA

old man Higgins. Know old Higgins?
Wall, you'd ought to-
For downright, measly meanness he
beats the band. No, he never stole any
cents off'n his grandmother's eyes, that
l know of, but he cuts his beard off
with mas scissors to save buying
razor. and he'd grudge a tramp cat the
privilege of meyouing in his back
yard for fear she'd use up some of his
air.
Uncle Jed he lived in our house. He's
mas brother. Never had any wife,
cause he hates women so. Ma says his
girl went back on him, and soured him
up when he was young. 1t must be
an awful thing TO be soured when you
are young.
Ma says his girl was red headed and
freckle-faced. AS if any man would
be fool enough to mourn hisself bald
headed and rheumatic for a red-head
ed, freclie-faced girl! Catch me!
But Uncle Jed's been courted con-
siderable. Three widows have tackled
him. and ever so many old maids. But
he's fit shy. Old Widow Dobson
thought she'd get him for sure last
winter, and kept sending him liniment
for his rheumatism. but when she Of
fered to rub it onto his shoulders for
him, he drawed the line.
Maud's my sister. She is an awful
good fellow, and she and l manage to
make things pretty lively at our house.
Eva. that's my oldest sister, has got a
beau. He's a regular one, and comes
every Thursday night and every Sun
day night, parts his hair in the mid
die, and smells like drug shop-all
kinder cinnamony and spicy. You can
scent him a half-mile off. Old Hug
ms he growls SO much about the kero-
sene that Eva buys candles Some
times they don't light 'em. Anybody
can spoon in the dark, if it's neces-
sary, / s'pose.
It's fun to watch folks court. Maud
and hide in the closet in the dining
room sometimes, and watch 'em court.
Once he told her she was sweet as
rose, and graceful as a deer. and pref
tier than a pink. an dearer than dia-
mond! And she said: "Oh Willie, boy:
how can you?''
He said he could and she said:
''Now, Willie, you awful, dreadful,
wicked boy!"
Then he said for her to kiss him,
and she giggled and said she'd holler
for ma. but he did it, and she never
hollered holler.
She sot down in his lap, and the
darning needle that I'd put into the
n
Gee! You ought to have heard that
young man swear! Shook the house
and reused up old man Higgins, and
it took ma the rest Of the night TO
soothe him off.
After Eva ard her young man got
kinder Gained down, | let off a bunch
of fire crackers, and flung em into the
room where they'd be likely to do the
most good. and-I had to stay shet up
the next day, and never got any of the
annie dumping the folks had for din
ner. Crackee! Warn't | mad?
But I was going 10 tell you about
how we fooled Uncle Jed.
led he said that he'd bet dollar
that there waren't nobody living that
could play any fool jokes on him. He
said he only wisht they'd try, and ne
looked hard at Maud and me. | ex-
meet it was because last April fool day
Maud and me stretched stout string
outside of old Higgins chamber door;
the suller stairs are right to the foo
of the back stairs, and we left the sui
Ter door open, and old Higgins III
tripped over the string and never lie
mn till he landed in the cistern in th'
suller. which is right al the foot OF th'
stairs. SOS to be handy
Gee, What a DAY that was at GU
house, 1t was more'n three weeks be
fore my back got well, where the OH
man laced me with whip. but tn
fun of seeing him go down was WORT
it.
Maud and l put our heads together
and we agreed that we'd write two let
ters-one to old maid Virgins over t.
Peaks Crossing and t'other to Uncl
jed
Miss Virgins is a bachelor girl G
the first water, and she's that puckere
and dried UP that / should think she
no afraid to go to sleep for fear She
he an Egyptian mummy when she wok
up.
Maud said we'd get them two togeth
er down in Robinson park. and Sc
what they'd say. when they found on
il was all a fool joke.
/ wrote the letter to her and it rea
thuSly:
oMy Respected and Adored Madam: Fc
5 lonR. long time have worshiped you afa
off. and my beating heart has nearly leape
on of my bosom whenever you have passe
nv. oh. how / love you, Iwould gladly la
a., self anc my fortune-fifteen hundre
NJ naff f ~