davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Smyrna times. [volume] (Smyrna, Del.) 1854-1987, 1904-03-02
The HUMOROUS suabians.

Next to the Americans" said Max
Nordau, 81 think that the Suabians are
the most humorous people in the world.
A Suabian if he has nothing funny to
say keeps silent. Stupidity is unknown
among this race.
Zone night in Suabia in my early
youth l called on a Suabian maiden.
She was very pretty. Perhaps l stayed
longer than should. Suddenly, at any
rate, the young girls mother called in
a loud voice from upstairs:
"'Gretchen! Gretchen
Eyes, mother Gretchen answered.
Gretchen, it is very cold here. Will
you ask that young man to shut the
front door from the outsider"
Smyrna times. [volume] (Smyrna, Del.) 1854-1987, 1904-03-02
An UnseInsh Husband.

COnjurer pointing to his cabinet)-
Ladies and gentlemen. now call your
attention to the great illusion of the
evening. l will ask any lady in the au-
dience to step on the stage and enter
the cabinet. l will then close the door
When l open it again. the lady will
have disappeared, leaving no trace
Husband Ito his wife)-Matilda, my
love, do oblige the gentleman and walk
up.-London Telegraph.
Smyrna times. [volume] (Smyrna, Del.) 1854-1987, 1904-03-02

Bertie-I don't want to go to bed yet,
sis. 1 want to see you and Mr.. Shep-
herd play cards. Lucie-You wicked
boy, to think we should do such a
thing! We never do it! Bertie-But |
heard mamma tell you to mind how
you played your cards when Mr.. Shep-
herd came.
Smyrna times. [volume] (Smyrna, Del.) 1854-1987, 1904-03-02
India's Sacred Fires.

The sacred fires of India have not all
been extinguished. The most ancient
which still exists was consecrated
twelve centuries ago in commemoration
of the voyage made by the Parsees
when they emigrated from Persia to
India. The fire is fed five times every
two hours with sandalwood and other
fragrant materials, combined with very
dry fuel.
Smyrna times. [volume] (Smyrna, Del.) 1854-1987, 1904-03-02
AlWnYa Had 1t.

HAS your husband a birthmark or
anything of that kind by which he
may be identified?" asked the detec-
tive
The deserted wife reflected a mo-
ment.
''Yes, SIR" she said. "He has a sort
of hangdog look on his face, and it
was born with him. s."-Chicago
Tribune.
Smyrna times. [volume] (Smyrna, Del.) 1854-1987, 1904-03-02

Professor Longhair-It has been dem
Onstrated beyond question that this
continent is sinking. Miss DE StyleA
oh, well, we've got yacht.-New York
Weekly.
Smyrna times. [volume] (Smyrna, Del.) 1854-1987, 1904-03-02
Lnhnrioun senrch

"Well," said BorrOughs. that's the
hardest work know"
"What isT'
! ITO find somebody that's easy to
york. philadelphia Ledger.
Smyrna times. [volume] (Smyrna, Del.) 1854-1987, 1904-03-02
SMYRNA DIRECTORY.

TOWN OFFICIALS.
President of COuncil-James c. Robinson.
etary of Council-Henry S. Anthony.
wn. TreasuSer-Ezekial " Cooper.
TX of Council-Samuel J. Reynolds.
Alderman-EugcneC Crow.
Chief of Police-B. W. Turner.
COuneilmen: LIST ward, DR.. T. C. Moore; 2nd
Ward. Samuel J. Reynolds: 3rd Ward, Harry B.
9rieves; 4th Ward, Jos. H. Wright; 9TH Ward,
E. Marriott Fowler; 9th Ward, James C.. Robinson
md Henry S. Anthony.
Council meets the second and fourth Fridays
q each month
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04

ment fixing the maximum TO be paid
for armor 1898. and in support Of
rhis he cited the award for armor
where the Midvale Company was
given a contract for 5000 tons at that
price, and the Carnegie and Bethle-
hem Compay's 5000 tons each at S463
a ton.
w. w. Kitchen, OF North Carolina.
citing the recen award OF armor con-
tracts to Carnegie and Bethlehem
companies at an advance OF s55 per
ton over the bid Of the Midvak COM
pany. said the secretary Of the navy
had exercised his discretion unwieety
in not giving the contract for all the
armor to the Midvale company. He
said the secretary was incapable Of
meeting the question
Mr.. Dalzell offered a substitute
amendment providing that the sec
rotary be authorized TO procure con-
tracts for armor at a price which In
his Judgment Is just and reasonable.
By a party division OF 1873 10 101. the
substitute amendment, was adopted
| displacing the amendment offered by
| Mr.. Rixey fixing the limit OF cost OF
armor.
Mr.. Hitchcock. Of Nevada. tried to
| secure an amendment prohibiting h
| payment of money for armor plate
to any trust or trade conspiracy. but
| his amendment was defeated by prac-
| tically a party vote.
| The House, after passing the bill,
| adjourned until tomorrow.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04
Sour

Ne appetite. loss of sfrennth "a.

No appetite, loss of strength. nervous.
ness, headache. constipation, bad breath.
general debility. sour risings. and catarTh Of
the stomach are all due to indigestion. Kodol
cures indigestion. This new discovery repre-
senfs the natural juices Of digestion a they
exist In a healthy stomach, combined VIII
me greatest known tonic and re~censtructfye
properties. kodol Dyspepsia Cure does 10,
only cure indigestion and dyspepsia, but Tho
famous remedy cures all stomach troubles
oy cleansing. purifying. sveetening and
strengthening the mucous membranes lining
the stomach.
M. S. S: Ball, Of Ravensvood. W.. Va. ssvs-
vas troubled with, sour stomach for twenty yesra
for baby" "e
kodol DiSests What You Tat.
Bottles only. SI.oo Size hoL,p, ~ Him.. -.
size. which sells for so cent?.
Prepared BY z. o. Dewitt 4 CO.. oHIoAno
o0ed by r. r. BellamY.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04
Mrs. BoWser'S Story
How She Compelled Her Cranky Spouse to Repent Of Id
Actions at Home Planned to Leave Him, but
the Possibility of Such q Move Caused
Him to Become Conciiatey

to avoid discovery. and twenty min
utes later he found me there.
Neither OF us SPOKE.
Both sat down and stared into va
cancy.
A woman can beat a man at a wait
ing game and after q quarter OF an
hour I tired Mr.. Bowser out He be-
a to shuttle his feet and twiddle his
thumbs and at length got up and went
into the library. i listened at the key
hole, and as be walked to and fro I
heard him say:
She sits there like a bump on a log
and says nothing. II she expects me
to speak first she'll set sadly left"
He was silent for a minute. during
which lie kicked the dictionary across
the oor and banged a chair about. and
then he resumed:
Mrs. Bowser has got her trunk pack
and l don't know what in thunder I'm
going to do. l can't get a housekeeper
In here. and I'll be hanged If / go to a
hotel or boarding house. What did she
want to fire up the way she did fori
She knows my little ways and has al
ways put up with them till this time,
but the minute / began to talk she said
she'd been packing her trunk to 60
home. Never was so ~astonished in my
life. but. of course. 1 had to tell her to
trot along. By gum, By gum!"
l heard him approaching the door
and I got back into the sitting room
He came in after a moment, trying
hard to look careless, and after pacing
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04
MONEY FOR THE NAVY
APPROPRIATION BILL PASSED BY
THE HOUSE.
Party Contests OH a Number OF Prop
OsitionS-The Use of American Ships
Considered i'm the Senate.

Washington, Feb. 26.-The Senate
today considered at some length the
bill requiring the use OF American
ships in carrying government supplies,
but adjourned for want of a quorum.
without reaching action upon it. The
bill was criticised by Democratic Sen
ators as being in the nature Of a sub
sidy, but Mr.. Hale, who was in charge
of the measure, defended it against
this attack and championed it in the
interest OF American shipping. Sena-
tors Daniel, Bacon, Carmack and 9TH
ers took part in the discussion.
Mr.. Daniel suggested a provision to
the effect that charges by American
vessels shall not exceed more thai 10
per cent. the minimum bids of for
eign vessels for carrying the same
freight. No action was taken on the
suggestion.
The Senate adjourned till tomor
row.
THE HOUSE
Washington, Feb. 26.-Tne House
passed the naval appropriation bill to-
day after having it under considera-
ton for a week. Their was a party
contest on a number of propositions
during the day, especially on an efforl
of different minority members to Sc
cur an amendment to fix the price
of armor plate at the figure bid by the
MidvaIe Steel Company Several
amendments were ruled out on points
of order, and the Republican leaders,
by skilful parliamentary tactics, left
the matter of armor plate in the dis
erection Of the secretary of the navy.
An Intellectual attempt was made TO
have the eight hour law applied to all
shin CONSTRUCTION The contest over
submarine boats was lutte exciting
and an amendment finally was adopt
ed which leaves The question to the
type of boa open, but increases the
amount Of the appropriation for suCE
boats. The minority under Mr.. Mey-
ers' leadership failed to secure a rec
ord vote on the proposition to recon-
NIT with instructions, the proposed
instructions being declared out of or
der.
+ Mr.. Roberts, of Massachusetts,, ad-
vocated an ~increase-in the humble of
torpedo boats from 2 to 5. quoting
Admiral Dewey in favor of his pro-
posal. and urging trial-of boats Of a
certain type.
w. w. Kitchin, Of North Carolina.
spoke for the Roberts amendment.
which was finally voted down.
MI. Rixey, of Virginia, proposed an
amendment authorizing the secretary
Of the nav to contract for m al
a price not t. exceed $39s a ton, and
being unable 20 contract at hat price
to construct an armor plate factory
on ground owned by the government.
$4,000, 600 being appropriated for the
purpose.
Mr.. DalzeIl raised a point Of orde-
against this amendment, AID the
point Of order was sustained.
MI. Rtxey proposed another amend
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04

up and down he took a chair and re-
marked that it was showing outdoors.
1 replied that it was possible.
He said that we'd had very little
snow thus far this winter.
1 replied that / hadn't been inter
ested.
He then took the cat on his lap and
asked if I thought her eyesight was
failing.
/ didn't think so.
He then skipped from cat to mother
in-law and hoped she was we'll.
She was very we'll, thank you.
Then Mr.. Bowser began to shuttle and
twiddle again, and in another minute
he rose up and returned to the library.
l took up my former position just in
time to hear him say:
1.-THE old girls got her back up for
fair this time. She ought to see that
I'm doing my best to make up with her,
but she won't have it. Wonder if she
expects me to get down on my knees to
her? 1 won't do it if l die for it, but
What in the old Harry is going to be-
come or me IL II goes:
Then he got mad and kicked that
poor dictionary back again and back
and forth the other way, and it was
two minutes before he went on:
"Bowser, you are an old crank. Durn
your cats, but why do you jump on
anybody with both feet the way you
do? You come home and find that the
cook has been called away by sickness
Legitimate sickness-and you imme-
diately begin to blow and buster and
walk around on Mrs. BOwser. Yes,
you are an old crank, and you've got
yourself into a nice fix at last. What
you want to do is to go right out there
and chuck that woman under the chin
and beg her pardon and No, you
can't do that. You want to put on your
hat and overcoat and go out and slam
the door behind you. She'll probably
get scared and come down off her high
horse and call you back. and then you
can make up without loss Of dignity"
/ got out of the way, and Mr.. Bow
ser put his little plan in operation. 1t
didn't work. He stood on the steps for
Nv mluutCS, WdIthS a SdH, Al
when none came he re-entered the
house with crestfallen demeanor.
Hanging up his hat on the hall tree, he
came back into the sitting room and
stood and looked at me.
! returned his gaze.
"Well?' be queried.
"Well?" / answered.
Mrs. Bowser, I'm an old rank"
while I'm an angel"
Yes, you are that, and / want to
say
$50 do I. I'm not going home to
mother in the morning"
Then Well, then. Mr. Bowser and
I had a happy evening together. and in
his exuberance Of spirits be lifted the
cat to his shoulder and went dancing
around the room like . boy ten years
old. l think he'll be good Tor at least q
week TO come. n. QUAD.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04
THE PERPETUAL
WAR

There is always a fight
going on in every human
body between health and dis
ease. On one side are poor
food, bad ali, over-work,
worry, colds, accidents. On
the other are sunshine, rest,
cheerfulness and nourish-
ment.
The reason SCOTS Emul-
sion fights so powerfully for
health is because it gives so
much more nourishment than
you can get in any other way.
Get in the sunlight and try
SCOTS Emulsion.
Wen send you a sample free upon reqaaa.
SCOTT & BOVINE. gag Pearl s1ee. Nsw Yerk
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04
Hoods ~J1rsap1riHu

Thoroughly eradicate scrofula and buiId
up the system that has suffered from L.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04

newspapers of which they are the
ihead, but they and their papers are
$50 well known all ver NORTH Carolina
THAT it is not necessary to publish
these. In the letter written them
president Warner says that they were
elected delegates by the State
ltion n that he want to know
whether they are going to St. Louis
land who will accompany them; that
liz they intend to go he must be no.
Titled at once and be sem the dues
(which are 1925 for each of them
and $500 for the wife, sister, daught-
Ter, Or sweetheart who accompanies
1.-THE editor; that the national secretary
will issue the membership certificate
(which must be held in order to get
railway transportation The head
quarters will be at the Inside Inn,"
(which name by the way a a very
comfortable sound. h rates there
SMALLEST rooms to $500 for room with
bath, and from $3.50 to $500 a day
lon the American plan. The hotel is
big enough To accommodate 1000
people at one time n Is inside the
Worlds Fair grounds. so that every
Jeditor who lodges there will be "a
I"Johnny on the Spot" The delegates
there this year will get many courte-
sizes and accommodations that the or
Urinary newspaper man cannot secure,
and so President Warmer urges all
these delegates to be prompt, so as
Ito get in on the ground floor. The
assemblage of editors will be the
largest in the history of the world.
The Worlds Press Congress will have
its session directly after those Of the
National Editorial Association.
superintendent Mckee, of the hos
Ipital for the insane here. has COM
lpleted h transfer to h Western
hospital of 16 meritorious cases of
applicants for treatment, whose
tcould not be accommodated here
lowing to the already crowded condi-
Ition of this hospital. These cases
lwere selected by Superintendent Nc
IKee, of this hospital, and Murphy,
Iof the Western hospital. 1t is prob
liable that more will be transferred
from this district to the Western hos
Ipital, as there still remain Al appli-
lcations on the file here. There are
100 spare beds at the Western hos
Ipital, these being in the female
wards. OF these 16 will be occupied
by the patients transferred. It is the
first time Such an arrangement has
lbeen made, but it had the approval
Iof all the officials and will certainly
have that of the public. The next
Legislature will be called upon, OF
course, to provide additional room at
the hospital here. The number of
female patients ALWAYS largely ex-
leeds that of the males. Superin-
ttendent Mckee says the health Of
THE patients here is very good. There
lwere two cases. of pneumonia One
ldied and the other is recovering.
There are two or three cases of
grippe.
Next week about all of the officers
Iof the National Guard will go to Lake
View, Moore county, to see its
Iadaptability for an encampment site.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04
No Business to Know.

Mr.. Chairman" called out a dign!-
fled person in the audience. according
Ito the Chicago Tribune. IT rise to a
point of order"
state your point Of order" said the
chairman.
1.-The gentleman who has been speak
ling forgets hat this is a meeting OF
1.-THE Neighborhood Improvement ASSo-
lciation. an organization that stands for
1.-THE betterment of the conditions tina
surround us. 1t stands, Mr.. Chairman,
flor the elevation of mankind that
more Immediately environs us. There
fore. MI. President, I submit that he is
Iout of order when. in addressing us,
he uses coarse slang terms borrowed
from the vocabulary OF the racetrack,
the gambling den and the slums."
How do you know he doeS?" k
la hundred voices at once.
The dignified person cleared his
Throat. gaSped, swallowed and sat
down. and the speaker proceeded with
his remarks.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04

Unconsciously the manager OF a.
large s~kyscraper INDUCED I'm a rare oft
of humor in trying to explain the rea-
son for the fall of an elevator in which
several persons were hurt the other
day. says the New York Press.
You see" said he. this elevator
didn't really fall. It couldn't fall, for
h emergency brakes are fitted TO
work and check the descent Instantly
when the speed reaches a rate greater
than that for which IL Is designed.
Therefore. IL must be apparent that the
elevator a vas not moving faslor
than the speed 1t was built TO run az
with safety The conductor Just sisa-
ply couldn't stop IL, that's ALL"
But what hurt these persons nc
was asked
why. don't you see? The conduc-
tor couldn't stop It and it had to stop
at the bottom because IL couldn't 80
any further. II was the stopping sud-
denly that hurt all these passengers.
But the ~eva didn't fall because II
couldn't"
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04
Copyright 1904. by c. 3. Lewfsl

fOopyrfSht 1904. by c. 3. Lewfal
~HE other afternoon q mes
.senger boy brought ouf cook
a telegram to the effect that
her sister. living ten miles
away, was very i'll and wanted TO see
her at once. She was ready to leave
in half an hour. and 1 took hold Of the
work and had a good dinner awaiting
Mr.. Bowser when he reached home.
He entered the house in a pleasant
mood. but NO ooner had 1 broken the
news to him about the cook than he
said:
Il thought Ii was about time for an
other kickup. BY John. but can't you
keep a girl fifteen minutes without a
row?"
I'VE haven't changed girls in FIVE
months" l replied. and there would
have been no change now but for sick
ness. Annie will probably be back in
a day or two. Meanwhile l can do the
cooking
Meanwhile / have got to live on
crusts and bones and feel that things
are upside down. he growled. III
there's a worse run house in America
I'd like to know where it's located.
The cook has no sick sister. She SIM
ply made that an excuse to get away
from here. All your cooks do that.
They can't stand your ways"
What is wrong with my ways, Mr..
Bowserr
Everything. You crush a girl to tho
earth. You grind her to pulp. You
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04

60 around with your nose cooked up
and demand that she get down ON her
knees to you. l have always pitied
them from the bottom Of my heart.
poor things
That's probably the reason why two
of them said you made googoo eyes
and tried to firt and two others called
you an old hen and wouldn't stay even
when l offered to increase their
wages"
Woman, do you know what you are
saying?
II do"
"Then, by the great horn spoon, but
l feel like boxing your ears! l make
gOOgoo eyes at your cook! l try to
fiirt with her! ~
BE calm Mr.. Bowser. There is no
need Of any quarrel over this thing.
l made up my mind that you would
come home to talk just as you have
done, and 1 determined on my course.
1 have my trunk nearly packed"
And you'll go home to your moth
err"
Il will"
And there1l be a separation and a
divorce:"
Certainly"
"And-and'-
And that's all. After two Oh three
years you can marry some one who'll
run your house to suit your IDEAS"
Il was going to propose this very
step, Mrs. BOwser, and it is the most
sensible thing you have said for six
months. Yes, divorce is inevitable,
but, of course. l shall see. that you are
we'll provided for as to alimony."
Neither of us ate any of the dinner
[ had been at such pains to cook. l left
the table set and went up to my room
and began to bang my trunk around,
but after a few minutes 1 slipped soft
~ downstairs to find hat Mr.. BowSer
had taken off his coat, rolled up his
sleeves and was clearing of the table
and washing the dishes.
$50 it's separation and divorce!' be
unused as he worked. "All right. IL
was bound to come sooner or later and
why not now? When a wife will take
a crowbar and pound on the piano to
make her hardworking husband SOS
extra expense it's time there was a d.
vorce. I've talked and talked, but It
has done no good. She's got some good
points about her, but it will have to be
have to be-"
He grumbled away below his breath
while he was taking down the roller
towel to use as a dish towel, and then
I heard him say:
"Wonder what the. mother-in-law
will say about it I know, however.
She'll give me an awful roast.
Shouldn't wonder IL she'd come right
down here and do her song and dance
act and make it bad for me. She's got
a way about her to make a feller's
hair stand up. Mebbe / was a little
.hasty-mebbe so. If Mrs. Bowssr
hadn't walked off and left me to wash
these dishes"-
I had to go up to the sitting room
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04
BALKAN NEGOTIATIONS
Russia, Austria. and Italy Seeking 60
Reach Understanding

Rome. February 2s.-Negotfations are
now proceeding between h goveFn-
ments Of Russia. and Italy with a view
to reaching a complete understanding
concerning the questions affecting The
Balkans. I'm which these governments
are interested. They are endeavorinS
to look into and consider all possible
eventuaHties, with the object Of avoiG-
ing Disbursements I'm the future.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04

What do the ex-confederate soldiers
think of Mr.. w. J. Bryan. when a
member OF congress-. having voted
against Mr.. Crisp. Of Georgia.
for speaker because the latter had
served In the confederate army? 6nefs
Is said to be a fact
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04

All Migrants look alike" to Mayor
Springer. Whenever he gets the dots
on one, whether black Or white, it is
$50 many days on the public Dads.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04

The Legislative session Of 1905 is still
la long way off. and some of the candi-
dates who ave already announced are
probably way Off" too.-Tfmes-
Union.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1904-03-04
Old as the Pyramids

And as little changed by the ages, is
Scrofula. than which no disease, "a
Consumption, is responsible for a larger
mortality, and Consumption Is Its out
growth.
1t affects the glands, the mucous
membranes, tissues and bones; auses
punches in the neck, catarrhal troubles,
ricketts,, infamed eyelids, sore ears,
c~utaneous e~ruptions, etc.
al suffered from ~scrofnla, the disease AZ
fecting the glands OF my neck. i did every
thing ! was told to do to eradicate IL, but
without success. / then began taking
Hoods Sarsaparilla, and the swelling in my
neck entirely disappeared and my skin re
sumed a smooth, healthy appearance. The
cure was complete" MISS SIT MITCHELL.
915 Scott st., C~ovington, Ky.
Hoods ~Jdrsdp1riNz
and Pills
Thoroughly eradicate scrofula and builG
up the system that has suffered from i.
Evening journal., 1904-07-30

Returning steamer will leave To;chcs-
ter Beach at 400 p. m.
cnldren between five and .weivo years
OF age ha'f the above rates
Evening journal., 1904-07-30

len thousand demons gnawing away
q. ones Vitais couldn't be much worse
man man the tortures Of Itching piles. Yet
shere's cure. Doan's Ointment never