West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1904-05-26

joined the pie eaters. Like the rest
of You who sit motionless and pie.
less before me today, pie is not on
my bill of fare. That's the reason
am here today. The pies have
been confiscaied by the other pie
eaters.
Eve are sorry that Leader Shaw
is not with US today, He unfortu-
nately hi, the lounge hard when the
returns came in, and is unable to
rebound. His-voioe, however, will
resosnd when he meets the grafters. I"
When Judge Fortney concluded.
the toast master called on Legislator
l.. V. Reed to respond to the toast,
'Is this Free land" which he did
as follows:
"My Fellow Victims;-
1t is very kind in our POSTMASTER
TO recall to my memory The land
of the free and the home OF the
bravep There is no longer any
doubt in my mind but what this is a
Free land. 1t has been demon.
strated to my entire satisfaction that
the pies belong to the free !anders.
4 least the pie which / had hopes
OF drawing in the lottery, was won
by one of the Free.land sons. l
have no apologies to offer for taking
a dive in the grub bag at our late
festival which was held in the inter
est of the Pie family. lost and
have nothing 20 do but to mourn
my misgrab.
The next mourner to be called to
repentance was Prosecuting attorney
James T. Daley. The POSTMASTER
asked that he respond to the toast,
'Is Youth Crime" He spoke as
follows;
"My Fellow Mourners:-
The toast which have been
asked to respond to is one which
made an Englishman famous. l mad
forgotten the lesson and sprung IL
on my pie-apponent. The lesson
is indelibly impressed upon my
memory as weep on the banks OF
the winding river Cheat While he
eats the pie and grows to manhood
/ will keep in the path of rectitude
and commit no crime The way
of the transgyessor is hard, but the
way Of the youth is pie ward, and
there is no possible way in which
can figure ont that he viii become
pie sick for the next four years. /
shall continue TO weep. shall also
shed silent tear for Leader Shaw
who is at this moment lying on his
lonely couch looking heavenward
and praying for his enemies and
more pic"
Toastmaster McDaniels said that
the next toast wonld be given TO the
patriarch to blow his bellows on.
The toast was, crhe Nation and its
Patriarch" County Commissioner
Messenger was called on. As he
arose, glass in hand, the mourners
bowed their heads.
"My Fellow Mourners and pie.
eaters no-more,--
Sorrow and the loss Of pie has
brought US here today. There was
a time in the history Of the Nation
when pumpkin.pie was the favorite
meal Of our people AS their Pa.
triarch, the largest piece was re-
served for me. On this wholesome
diet We grew and pTospeFed. Thrice
in my time have had the flap OF
uy trousers enlarged to make room
+ the pumpkinpie For sixteen
long years it was my daily meal.
We prospered as no other nation
prospered. Ny word was law and
my law was pie. Such were my
days Of happiness until the willy Bill
+. Menear came among them and
represented himself as an Indian
doctor. lie made a speech to my
people in which he told them that
they we're slowly but surely dying Of
pie-eating. He said that the only
thing to Insure longevity was fire
water. lie stated that he was the
first Indian 70 welcome Columbus
to America. lie shamefully dc
ceiyed them. Tie told my beloved
people that ] was dying by inches
from pie eating; that the only thing
that would save my life was to de-
prive me Of pie Ny voice faulters
as ] recall how prospered on pie.
Fire water was freely circulated
among my people, and when cx
postulated with them they declared
ne more pie foE the Patriarchi So
here I am IN my old age mourning
for pie.
County Commissioner Metbcny
was called on 10 respond TO the