Ottumwa tri-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1903-1916, 1904-08-25

ana Ills Lire Is Full OF Woe - He
Of tho sonorous Voice Unpopular.
Behold now the man that is an UNI
pire, even baseball umpire.
Are not his days full of joy and his
nights full of pleasant memories?
Yea. even as those Of the collector.
Only more so.
He spendenth his early youth among
the ragweeds and his early manhood
amid the dumps
Also he readeth Reach's rules and
Spalding's baseball guide until there
is not anything within them that he
doth not know even as the alphabet.
He rootheth on the bleachers
through divers games and he useth
language to them that play likewise
to them that decide ticklish games.
And when the days are fulfilled that
he should become an umpire he put
teth on blue blouse and a dinky cap
and he goeth into the field where are
men clad in baseball uniform.
Howbeit. although he weareth the
blouse and look of assurance, there
is fear within his heart.
For he knoweth many things that
have nothing to do with balls, strikes
and stolen bases.
And behold it. cometh to pass that
when the gong hath rung and the play
ers FareS in position, he erieth out in a
loud voice. Batterup.- 9.%. ~
(which is being Interpreted, Let the
man getreadytohitit., IVY sa.-,,l ~
| And, 1t is done, even as he hath said
it.
Now again behold the man that is
pitcher. He tieth himself into a
bowknot. even as fishworm whose
| tail has been trodden upon. And when
that he hath undone himself behold a
ball hath alighted with loud smack
in the leathern pillow on the hand of
the catcher
Moreover so soft hath it come that
no man hath seen 1t.
But behold the umpire hath need to
decide quickly and he crieth out, one
ball.
And the crowd that stitch upon
hard boards in the sun. even in the
bleachers. yell Blindasylum and Put.
himout Which is, being interpreted,
that the pitcher is member of the
home team and can throw nothing but
strikes.
| Which If a truth is known to the
ends of the earth
And when yet again the pitcher
hath united the sailors knot into
which he had wrapped himself land
such is the custom even unto this
day. the umpire yelleth Stur-ri-i-i-ike.
! Which is. being Interpreted, another
guess.
And some of them that sit in the
! bleachers cry out Goodeyoleman and
others ask him derisively Howdye
know?
/. For such is the manner of bleachers
! And when that man hath smote
the ball with an exceeding great and
grieyous smite and hath run to the
base that is called first and when that
man standing upon the unlaundered
sofa pillow at that place hath caught
the ball the umpire yelleth Safe.
And straightway the uproar that
ariseth from the bleachers, and even
from the grand stand, is such that the
great falls, even Niagara, would seem
ike the silence of Judge Parker by
contrast.
/ And scarlet faced men come run
ming to him even from the field and
4 cry out to him and shake their fists
beneath his inhaler, and say things
that are not heard by reason of the
great roar Howbeit, the air about
their faces becometh blue.
Then 1t cometh to pass that the men
seize the umpire by the garments and
they slap his face, even upon the
!. mouth. So that when he hath put them
from the field (for such is the law and
: it cannot be gainsaid) the people that
be within the grand stand and they
that sit upon the bleachers know not
whether he crieth strike or ball OF
safe or out. For behold do not all the
words sound the same since the time
when he was smitten of his enemies
And doth not the home team of q
surety always throw strikes and catch
men at bases, while the visitors throw
nothing but balls and get out at every
base and the home plate?
Therefore the umpire is called rob
Der, and it is asked of him in loud
voice: How long have you been out?
!. Now when that thu game hath end
ed and the home team hath lost( anc
verify no home team ever lost except
by reason of the decayedness of the
umpire) the players gather about the
!, umpire. For behold he is but one, while
the players are many and they neeG
not be afraid Moreover, there are
thousands of men in the grandstant
and bleachers to como to their aic
even should the umpire prove mightiel
than they and strive with them sc
that he oyercame them. So they are
very brave and say grieyous things
unto him and invite him to have un
friendly doings with them all.
Nevertheless, being discreet man
he engageth them not to combat, fol
that he knoweth they would STAY hin
so that he die.
| And when that umpire hath beer
guarded from the field by them thai
sleep fully dressed, even the policemen
the crowd gathereth at the gatewa,
to see him and to say all manner O.
despiteful things unto him.
i Then cometh the man who is gentle
at heart but that taketh always abund
ant precaution. So that he .drawetl
"