The Aberdeen Democrat. (Aberdeen, South Dakota) 1???-1909, 1904-04-08
HoWW We April-FooIed
Uncle Jed
BY

49, aSh E
FOR downright, measly meanness, he
beats the band. No, he never stole any
e off'n his grandmother's eyes, that
know of, but he. cuts his beard off
with mas scissors to save buying a
razor, and he'd grudge,a tramp cat the
privilege of meyouing in his back
yard for fear she'd use up some of his
air. ~
Uncle Jed he lived in our house. He's
mas brother. Never had any wife,
cause he hates women so. Ma says his
girl went back on him, and soured him
up when he was young. 1t must be
an awful thing to be soured when you
are young.
Ma says his girl was red headed and
dreckle-faced. AS If any man would
be fool enough to mourn hisself bald
headed and rheumatic for a ~red-head-
ed, freckle-faced girl! Catch me!
But Uncle Jed's been courted con-
siderable. Three widows nave tackled
him, and ever so many old maids. But
he's fit shy. Old Widow Dobson
thought she'd get him for sure last
winter, and kept sending him liniment
for his rheumatism. but when she Of
fered to rub it onto his shoulders for
him, he drawed the line.
Maud's my sister. She is an awful
good fellow, and she and l manage to
make things pretty lively at our house.
Eva, that's my oldest sister, has got a
beau. He's a regular one, and m
every Thursday night and every Sun
day night, parts his hair in the mid
die, and smells like a drug %shop-all
kinder cinnamony and spicy. You can
scent him a half-mile off. Old Hug
ms he growls so much about the kero-
sene that Eva buys candles. Some
times they don't light 'em Anybody
can spoon in the dark, ii it's neces-
sary, l s'pose.
It's fun to watch folks court. Maud
and | hide in the closet in the dining
room sometimes, and watch 'em court.
Once he told her she was sweet as a
rose, and graceful as a deer, and pref
tier than a pink. an dearer than a dia-
mond! And she said: ooh, Willie, boy!
how can you?"
He said he could. and she said:
NOW, Wlilie, ycu o"lui,
wicked boy!"
Then he said for her to kiss him,
and she giggled and said she'd boiler
for ma, but he did it, and she never
hollered a holler.
She sot down in his lap, and the
darning needle that I'd put into the
rocking chair cushion got in its work.
49, s8H w., o,,oh+ato hauoa haar1 that
young mar swear! Shook the house
and reused UP old mar Higgins, and
1. took ma the rest of the night to
soothe him off.
But was going to tell you about
how we fooled Uncle Jed.
Jed he said that he'd bet a Dollar
that there waren't nobody living that
could play any fool jokes on him. He
said he only wisht they'd try, and he
looked hard at Maud and me-. ex-
pect it was because last April fool day
Maud and me stretched a stout string
outside of old Higgins chamber door;
she suller stairs are right to the foot
of the back stairs, and we left the sui
Ter door open, and old Higgins he
trimmed over the string and never let
up till he landed in the cistern in the
suller, which is right at the foot OF the
stairs, SOS to be handy.
Gee! What a day that was at u
house! 1t was more'n three weeks be-
fore my back got well, where the old
man laced me with a whip, but the
fun of seeing him go down was worth
It.
Maud and | put our heads together,
and we agreed that we'd write two let
fers-one to old maid Virgins over to
Peaks Crossing and t'other to Uncle
jed.
Miss Virgins is a bachelor girl of
the first water, and she's that puckered
and dried up that | should think she'd
be afraid to go to sleep for fear she'd
be an Egyptian mummy when she woke
Ip
Maud said we'd get them two togeth-
err down in Robinson park, and see
what they'd say when they found out
it was all a fool joke
/ wrote the letter to her and it read
thusly:
M Respected and Adored Madam: For
= long. long time j have worshiped you affair
on. and my beating heart has nearly leaped
ont 81 my bosom whenever youhave passed
bys oh. how I love. you! would gladly lay
myself and my f-ortune-ffteen hundred
thousand dollars of your feeti If you
think kindly of such devotion. meet me at
he big elm In Robinson's park, Tuesday
evening at eight o'clock. Wear a red rose
In your bosom. Your devoted adrnirer.
~,
We gave Mnlligan's boy, Tim, three
marbles and q big chew Of spruce gum to-
carry 1t over to Miss Virgins house and
tuck it under the door.
Maud and I together composed the
laetteE to Uncle Jed.
We wrote It on pink stationery, and
scented It with vanilla essence out Of one
81 mas cooking bottles:
s1aighly Respected h Honored sir;
Pardon q humble and adprtnE female who
for many years has adored you, but i must
speak or dies 4 am young and confi0fnr.
and have gold rtseourted al my command
ssIf shall be III sobrs IL onIy1you will take
meIo your BOSOM q dsioVe and cherish mo
~ sou talnk fayorably the idea. pleasa
r. 4rso<T<.1r{r Al,Sx<rx5f ~ ~ h.H.