The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1904-01-19
THE NONPAREJL MAN

THE NONPAREJL MAN
Showing How the Wicked, Who Stands In
Slippery Places, Sometimes Falls on
His Brow and Has to Have Stitches
Taken In His Scalp by the Harness
.naker-The Adrian Democrat Shifts
Its Ballast and Is Hurled Violently
Down Steep Place into the Street.
The Adrian Democrat man, unlike the
wicked, did not stand in slippery places.
He fell. He records the unpleasant Incl
dent thus:
Early last Thursday morning, the editor
they were covered with frost, his pedals slipped
out from under him and he lit on his bump of
| self-esteem like a Stalled OK. His head struck
one Of the steps and Jared the building from
turret to foundation stone. A good Samaritan
came running across the street. thinking the
earth tn had auoke: The scribe was found trying
to rise from recumbent position. There
hole in the back Of his head about the size of
a stove door He felt the wound and OBJ
| temple Happily, however, the injury was
raised on the five points Of Fellowship The
harness-maker took few stitches in his scalp
and now he looks where he puts his hoofs.
This simple incident contains a lesson
l
like Jeshurun Of old, and the next thing
we know the very earth leaps up and
slaps us on the wrist. Brethren, let us
walk softly and not lift up our voices and
! cry: AHA! Aha!' else Judgment over
taketh US and 10, we are removed from
| green pastures to the violent Ward-and
4 serve us right, confound our pictures!
Coming up from the courthouse yester-
day from a most enjoyable session Of
taxpaying, we were about ten steps be-
hind gentleman who was suddenly sur
prised, apparently painfully so, at meet
ing woman on the corner Of Fifth
street and Third avenue S. They spoke
together and started to walk up the street.
We were panied to see the gentleman
turn around, as If to look down the street,
and remove in a covert, guilty manner
from his face about an inch Of Piper
Heidsieck eating tobacco and then turn
back and resume the conversation in a
sprightly and interested way in an en-
deavor to cover up his tracks.
Was the lady his wife, and did he fool
her by this little trick?
It was impossible to tell. She appeared
not to notice. But you can't fool ma
ma" so easily as all that. We will wager
that the tall of her eye caught papa"
in the dastardly act and a little later he
, will hear from it.
Mama may have duty to perform
fear the worst for that man.
, In the Calderone trial Fred McGhee
Of st. Paul came up with long green
, bag that excited much speculation. La
3 Calderone depending on the long green for
, acquittal?
e Governor Dunn has abolished the gov
E ernors staff. For Sale Cheap-A few
y bales Of gold lace. Apply to the st. Paul
tailOrs.
: The car may try his best to stop the
r war, but it is as difficult stunt as it
\ is to keep the southern agriculturist from
a shooting when he sees the colored brother
v emerging from his hencoop at daybreak
f An autopsy on young fellow of %
: in New York last week showed that he
" had the vital organs of a man of Is,
: says a cheerful dispatch from the Dutch
metropolis. What gets us is how that
old man of Is is getting along without
his vital organs now that the young fell
low is dead and cannot restore them.
t That is, we assume that he is dead, sc
:: few people survive an attack Of autopsy
A letter from the furniture king OF
= Austin, Mimi, stands pat on all his poetry
;. and encloses another gem Of immorta
verse to show. that he is still wiggling
a poetic foot along the streets of Austin
RI Mr.. Cressey sings as follows:
Remember. this king is an unknown friend; tar
He is a man, commonly made of clay
On his throne, labors. as he sits,
: While outsiders are planning to give him fits,
e Large, strong, good-looking and wise,
|; To take care Of people that are tired Of living,
n e., but dies, - 't
It While man in this art might be used q
- tool,
= One cannot term him an entire fool
- Nevertheless, he gains the prize,
y AS it ALWAYS pays to advertise.
- The little poetic touch in the above
n about taking care of people that art
a tired of living, but dies" is a reference
y to the fact that the furniture king com
bines undertaking with the more prosait
r matter of selling tables, beds and per
l. ambulatOrS. In a note regarding his gift
l. the poet says:
e 1 could entertain you along original poetical
e lines about my business. But. thank God.
It have gift directed In mercantile business far
= different (thus far) from any OF the so-called
- furniture and undertakers. Thanking you for
n conrtesies. am. ETC. etc.
. 1t is rumored in Austin literary circles
that the furniture king may publish 6
~ form of dissipation as this can do nc
~ one any harm.
IS If you drank your share of the booze
- consumed in the United States last yea,
~ you put away 1879 gallons of alcoholic
= stimulant. We have known certain bril-
u liant geniuses who tried to consume theil
\ per capita in an evening rather than be
y, behind at the end of the year. The at
y tempt, while a mastery one. was no
;, wholly successful.
= Speaking Of such brilliant spurts of in
~ tellect we note with sorrow that during
IL the last thirty years there died in Eu
y, rope Of alcoholism a total of 7,500,0O
~ people. That is more people than wer=
- killed in all the wars Of the nineteenth
ie century. The authority for these state
% ments is Matti Helenius, a member of tn:
faculty of the University Of Denmark
~ who goes on to show that in Denmark
- one out of every seven men who die be
~ tween the ages Of IS and SIS is a victim
es Of alcoholism. Shall Denmark get ahead
~ Of us? Are we living up to our posi-
~ bilities in the tank line?
~ ~ Yesterdays Minneapolis Journal cauGh
NJ all of us roll-top-desk farmers and hat
l.e us a-going inside of a minute. Their
=. was a glorious Minnesota nursery stool
10 supplement, telling how you could 'ge
thirty acres of land and set it out t.
crab apples and other hardy stock ant
make a fortune almost before you knew
r. it. There was 4 nice picture Of Mr.. Ly
ST mans 37-year old crab with a spread o
lie forty feet of branches that bore $40 wortl
,g of fruit in 1892. After you got your farm
a. going all you would have to do would b.
he to pick apples and deposit your checks il
r the bank. incidentally. 200 biddies woult
e. be picking UP bugs for a living in TIL