West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1904-01-28
JERICHO pOSTOFE|CE.
A Deacon Has Trouble With a
Widow and Hog.
And Comes Very Near Being Turned
Out or Church.

ih1tC every iundDitdut nOiu MS
breath, was what was called the
hog case. One morning Deacon
Abernethy Carter, widower, set out
to drive fat hog from his farm to
the village, distance of two miles,
to make sale to the butcher.
The way was uphill and down,
with many paths and lanes leading
off the main road, and, of course,
the hog acted like any hog would.
He made bolt off the main high
way whenever. chance offered, and
by the time half the journey had
been accomplished and deacon and
hog had arrived in front Of the
Widow Green's the good man was
swearing mad and the hog was look
ing for more trouble.
The deacon had once paid atten-
tons to the widow with a view of
making her his second wife, but as
they had disagreed on religious
matters he had ceased to call. This
fact made the widows heart rankle,
and she was biding her time to get
even. When she stood in her door
and saw the deacon and the hog
approaching she realized that her
opportunity had arrived.
The front gate stood open, and
as the hog arrived opposite he
rushed in. There were beds of
pineys and pinks and hollyhocks,
and the hog proceeded to devastate
them. The deacon, who was arm
ed with a club did his best to pre-
vent damage, but his best didn't
count. The widow looked on for
moment and then called out.
deacon Carter, I'll have the law
on you and make you smart for
thisl"
t'But amt | trying to get the
blamed hog outl" he shouted in re-
ply.
"No, you're not. You drove
him in here a-purpose to spite me
because ! wouldn't marry you'll"
"Nobody ever asked you to
marry me-"
"You as good as asked me, but
] found out you was stingy and
mean, and l sent you packing.
Don't Try to lie out of It,"
81 wouldn't ask you to marry me
if you was the last woman on earthl
Head off that hog and help me get
him OUT
Head off your own hog. You
could have kept him ont if you
had wanted to, and IIl make
you pay for all The damage he's
done.D
1t took the deacon IS minutes to
get the hog back into the road, and
while running up and dowa the gar
den he made use of pretty strong
language, though none too strong
for the occasion. AT intervals, as he
rushed about, the widow would call
out:
deacon Carter, you are swear
ing like pirate. and swearing agin
the doctrines of religion"
"I'm not swearingp he would
shout back, ''but III be hanged If
I don't knock the head off this in
feTnal old hog If he don't head out
O. thisl"
No sooner had the deacon dis
appeared down the road with his
hog than the widow put on her bon
net and started out among the
neighbors 10 relate the adventure.
She not only laid her damages at
$50, but she could name over 50
different swear words used 10 her
hearing by the deacon.
In two dTys it was known for FIVE
miles around that Deacon Carter
had fallen from grace, and at the
end of the week the widow prefer
red charges against him in his
church, and had him brought up
for trial.
The town was pretty evenly d.
vided on the question, while the
deacon only asked for fair trial
The first charge was that the deacon
had steered the hog into the
widows yard out Of spite; the sec
ond that he had been profane in her
presence. As to the frst charge.
the deacon said:
Brethren, there are those
among you who have set out to drive
hog along the road. Nature
made the mule obstinate and the
hog perverse II the wind bloweth
where il listeih, the hog goeih where
be pleaseth until you can head him
of with a club. Prom my house
70 the Wilder Green's is q mile.
ln that mile the hog bad bolted on
me sione, 80 sir,c. .oa o.. 81, -,