Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1904-05-05
HowWe april Fooled
Uncle! |! Jed J''''! !. !.
BY CLARA AUGUSTA

\ y ( Z s { . - =
N AM Uncle Jed Bent's nephew, ant
my name sfs ,SamueI Adams Monrot
nnks-called Sam links, for short
Dads run away. and mas married tc
old man Higgins. Know old Higgins!
Wall, you'd ought to.
For downright, measly meanness. he
beats the band: NO, he never stole any
cents off'n hissgrandmother's eyes, that
I know of. but he cuts his beard on
with mas scissors to save buying a
razor, and he'd grudge tramp cat the
privilege of meyouing in his back
yard for fearsshs'd use up some of his
air. - - 81 ~.
Uncle Jed he lived in our house. He's
mas brother. Never had any wife,
cause he hates women SO. Ma says his
girlswent back on him, and soured him
up when he: was young. It must be
an awful thing to be soured when you
are young.
Ma says his girl was red headed and
freckle-faced. AS If any man would
be fool enough to mourn hisself bald
headed and rheumatic for a red-head-
3D., freckle-faced girl! Catch me!
But Uncle Jed's been courted con-
siderable. Three widows have tackled
him, and ever so many old maids. But
he's fit shy. Old Widow Dobson
thought she'd get him for sure last
winter, and kept sending him liniment
for his rheumatism. but when she or
fered to rub it onto his shoulders Tor
him, he drawed the line.
Maud's my sister, She is an awful
good fellow, and she and manage to
make things pretty lively at our house.
Eva, that's my oldest sister, has got a
beau. He's a regular one, and comes
every Thursday night and every Sun
day night, parts his hair in the mid
die, and smells like a drug shop-all
kinder cinnamony and spicy. You can
scent him a half-mile of. Old Hug
ms he growls SO much about the kero-
sene that Eva buys candles. Some
times they don't light 'em. Anybody
can spoon in the dark, II It's neces-
sary, spose.
It's fun to watch folks court. Maud
and hide in the closet in the dining
room sometimes, and watch 'em court
Once he told her she was sweet as
rose, and graceful as deer, and pref
tier than a pink, an dearer than dia-
mond! And she said: "Oh, Willie, boy!
how can you?"
He said he could. and she said:
"Now, Willie, you awful, dreadful,
wicked boy!"
Then he said for her to kiss him,
and she giggled and said she'd holler
for ma. but he did it, and she never
hollered holler.
She sot down in his lap, and the
darning needle that I'd put into the
rocking chair cushion got In Its work.
Gee! You ought to have heard that
vounp man swear! Shook the house
and reused up old man Higgins, and
It took ma the rest of the night to
soothe him of.
But was going to tell you about
how we fooled Uncle Jed.
Jed he said that he'd bet a dollar
that there waren't nobody living that
could play any fool jokes on him. He
said he only visit they'd try, and he
looked hard at Maud and me. ex-
meet it was because last April fool day
Maud and me stretched stout string
outside of old Higgins chamber door;
the suller stairs are right to the foot
Of the back stairs, and we left the sui
Ter door open, and old Higgins he
trimmed over the string and never let
up till he landed in the cistern IN the
suller. which is right at the foot OF the
stairs, SOS to be handy.
Gee! What a day that was at our
house! 1t was more'n three weeks pe-
fore nv back got well, where the old
man laced me with a whip, but the
fun of seeing him 60 down was worth
It,
Maud and I put our heads together,
.nd We agreed that we'd write two let
ters-one to old maid Virgins over to
Peaks Crossing and t'other to Uncle
Jed.
Miss Virgins is a bachelor girl OF
the first water, and she's that puckered
and dried up that should think she'd
he afraid to go to sleep for fear she'd
he an Egyptian mummy when she woke
'p.
Maud said we'd get them two togeth-
or down in Robinson park, and see
Whist they'd say, when they found out
It was all a fool joke. q
I wrote the letter to her and 1t read
thusly: III
&..Nv Respected and Adored Madam: For
. ,or9 long time have worshtped you afar
~ and nv beating heart has nearly leaped
~. ~ nv bosom whenever you have passed
NJ oh. how love you! would gladly lay
,nvself anc my fortune-ffteen hundred
thonsand dollars of it-at your feet! If you
think kindly of such devotion, meet me at
ha big elm in Robinson's park, Tuesday
evening at eight O'clock. Wear red rose
IN your bosom. Your devoted admirer.
=" ~"
We gave Mulligan's boy, Tim, three
marbles and big chew of spruce gum to
carry It over to Miss Virgins house and
tuck it under the door.
Maud and I together composed the
letter to Uncle Jed.
We wrote it on pink stationery, and
accented it with vanilla essence out of one
ar mas cooking bottles: