davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Fatal PrecautiOn.

A farmer in Cumberland county was
driving across a railroad track when a
train killed both his horses and
knocked him about ten rods off his
course. In the resulting suit for dam
ages the plaintiff was on the witness
stand. making out good case, when
the defendants lawyer asked him:
did you take any precaution before
driving upon the track?
The witness seemed reluctant to an
swer, but, being pressed to do so, final
ly stammered out:
"Waal, squire, took little-just a
couple of swallers, that's ALL"
This started a new line of defense,
and it turned out that the couple OF
swallows were the last in pint flask
that had consoled the honest old farm
er along the road. This put new face
on the Standardization Journal
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
The Better Test.

"I've just learned new charm to
tell whether or not & man loves you"
says the girl with the bulglng pompa-
dOur
"What is it?' asks the girl with the
new diamond ring.
"Why, you take four or FIVE apple
seeds and name each of them for par
ticular man and place them-the aneh
seeds, ! mean--on the stove, and the
1rst one that pops is the one that loves
you"
"Humphv' unused the girl with the
new diamond ring, absentmindedly
twisting that piece OF jewelry about
her finger. II know surer way than
that"
You do?"
Yes, indeedy You take one partic-
ular man and place him on the sofa in
the parlor and sit close to him, with
the light little low, and look up q
him very attentively. and if he doesl
pop you know it's time to put another
man on the sofa. Judge.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
twas Only a. Dent.

John b. Stanchfield of Elmira speak
ing Of literal men, tells a story Of a
shock he had in case in which he was
recently associated. Several witnesses
had sworn that there was hole in a
certain road. Then, to the surprise of
counsel, the principal witness, a farm
er, on whom they mainly depended to
establish their case, swore that there
was no hole in the road. After Mr..
Stanchfield and his associates had re-
covered from their establishment they
sought to draw the witness into some
explanation of the remarkable testi-
mOny. What they eventually got was
this:
"There wasn't any hole in that road.
Here's my hat. If / jam my hand into
the top of it without pushing it through
it does not make a hole. 1t makes a
dent That's what was in that road
just a dent New York Times.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Tibet. the Strange Land.

It is wonderful country and a
strange people. Think of tract of
land where hot springs abound, round
which the deposits are Of such rain
bow tints as blue. purple, green, red
and yellow. 1t is easy to imagine that
the landscape effects Of such coloring
re wondrous. The social customs OF
the people are scarcely less astound-
ing. Polygamy is common where the
men are rich enough, for wives seem
to be question Of wealth. When pow
erty compels them, several men will
have one wife in common. Brothers
usually enter into those strange part
nerships. The people rarely wash,
finding it warmer to be dirty. The men
anoint their faces with butter, while
the women stain their countenances
mahogany color with wood chips and
lacquer the bridges Of their noses jet
black. Cleanliness is an unesteemed
practice-Lo Outlook.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
That Long-Term Legacy.

A Spanish cardinal, it is reported re-
Gently on the eve of his death be-
queather $4,000 to the first Spanish
general who invaded the United States
to ayenge the wrongs of Spain. 1t is
to be hoped that sufficient safeguards
were provided to keep the legacy in
tact during the period it is likely to lie
in trust. Provision should also have
been made to invest the accumulations
of interest as the centuries pass. The
Spanish general who eventually sum-
mons the nerve to comply with the
terms of the bequest will, if the fund
is compounded, stand in for fortune.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
The ~fofe Of
His Affections

And just about dozen more;
~ For though tbs sad to contemplate,
I've wooed a maid in evry state
The first dear girl a winsome lass,
Said mo" to me in Boston, Mass.
The next was all that heart could wish.
She hailed from Ypsianti, Mich.
The third sweet maid l hoped to win
Resided in Chisago, Mimi;
The fourth-alas alackaday!-
I had to leave in Ala.
The fifth l found in Green Bay, Wis.,.
The sixth in Montevalo. Miss,
And then maid, my soul to veX,
Soon Tilted me in Austin, Tex.
The next dear maid to answer Nay"
Lived down in Philadelphia, Pa.
Or was it in Topeka. Kan,
/ saw her wed another man?
At this late day cannot tell;
1t may have been some place in Del.
Perhaps twas in Atlanta, Ca,
II not in Pensacola, Fla.
But, though cast down, I loved again;
She dwelt, I'm sure, in Nashville Tenn.
But why go on? Enough to say,
/ married in DeS Moine $ Ia.
Yet north or south or east or west
cannot say which town were best;
But this l know-alas. 90 late!--
No other beats the single state
Carroll Watson Rankin in Lippincott' s
Magazine.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Wonders of Invention.

1t recently happened that Marshall p.
Wilder was in the company of num-
Der Of men who were discussing the
wonders of invention and of discovery
during the last hundred years.
During lull in the con ersation
Wilder ventured to intimate that to him
dynamite seemed the most wonderful of
all inventions.
"Why dynamite?' asked one OF the
men.
Because there's nothing in the world
that can hold candle to it,
Whereupon the company chased Mar
shall from the room.-New York Times.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Johnny Little Joke.

A small boy in Old Greenwich vii
lage who has q keen sense of humOr
happened to be reused very early on a
recent morning. To his great astonish-
ment he beheld the moon in the sky
after sunrise.
Mother, MOTHER" said he, 'I've got
a great joke on the Lord"
"Why, Johnny, what do you mean?"
said his mother, shocked.
HE forgot to pull the moon in,' said
Johnny New York Times
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Professional MOurners.

In ancient times funerals were fol-
lowed by professional mourners, who
simulated the appearance of the wild
est grief. The custom survives in the
valley of Sondrio, in the Alps. There
the women do not follow the funeral,
but they group themselves at the en-
trance of the cemetery and burn, in
honor of the dead, candles which vary
in size, according to the remuneration.
They are as prodigal as were the
mourners of ancient times in their sim
ulation of excessive grief.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
# Rains Every Seven Days.

If it rains on the first Sunday Of the
month it is morally certain to rain on
two or three of the other Sundays.
Why it is so no one knows unless it be
that transforms in this country come at
intervals about seven days apart, and
if the rain happens to hit the first Sun
day the other rainy Sundays follow as
a natural consequence. The coincidence
has been noted too often to doubt that
it really exists Exchange.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Putting Papn Up a Tree.

Pop said little Willie, do you
know anything of sciences"
WELL my boy" replied his father
modestly, although | am no scientist,
yet l may safely say that have given
some attention to matters scientific.
Why?"
ooh, nothing. Only l thought I'd like
to ask you question"
''My boy" said his father confidently,
put your question: and I'll answer it..
Never hesitate in the pursuit of knowl-
edge"
WELL pop, it's this: When you look
into a mirror the left side of your face
appears to be the right side and the
right side appears to be the left side,
doesn't it?'-New York Press
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
The Occupied" Egg.

There was once a little boy who
tried to use long words. Sometimes
they came out all right, but at others
they didn't.
One morning he was taking breakfast
with his father. -Four eggs were
served.
When the boy had finished he looked
at the remaining egg.
PA. if that egg isn't occupied, may
I have it?'
Sonny" said the indulgent parent,
''if that egg is not occupied, would
like it myself; but if it is occupied,
you are more than welcome to it."
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
He Has q Grudee
H6afnsf Womes,
n JOPLIN bachelor regards woman

"a JOPLIN bachelor regards woman
IA as a very maynard, tickle crea-
ture and seems to have some
grounds for his opinion. Several years
ago he says, Il happened to be in an
other town, engaged on a contract, and
while there | ran across young wom-
an whom | used to know working In a
hotel. | had known her when she was
but a girl and at that time her par
ents We're well fixed. She told me that
her husband had deserted her, leaving
her to work out for her living. didn't
like to see her there, and | arranged
with q friend to give her better posi-
ton. Finally | took such liking to
her that | proposed marriage, and she
accepted me, agreeing to marry me as
soon as she could get divorce. She
went to Springfield and proposed to get
the divorce there. Every now and
then she would send me marked copies
Of papers containing items regarding
the progress of her case. All the time
/ was sending her money to support
her there and aid her in getting the
ceived a copy of a Springfield paper
with the account of her divorce being
granted. She asked for little more
money to get her wedding trousseau
made. l sent her more money, and she
wrote me how she was progressing
with her trousseau."
"Well, did she get it finished?"
The bachelor paused to relight his
cigar.
Eyes. she did. l received another
marked copy of a Springfield paper.
This time it contained the notice of Ter
marriage"
Her MARRIAGE"
Eyes The blankety blanked woman
had gone and married conductor, and
here she had worked me for the money
to buy her wedding outfit and get her
divorce.
That's tie reason I'm still baching,"
continued the Joplin man, with sigh.
Joplin (Mo) News-Herald.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16

Representative Bob Henry of Texas
tells the following story:
WORD came to a man who lives
down in my part of Texas one day that
his mother-in-law had died in st. Louis.
The first telegram was followed by an
other one, which read:
Shall we bury or cremate|"
The Texas man wired back:
"'Both; take no chances Wash
ing Post.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Prolonged Sitting Needed.

"You want me to tell the whole
truth?'' asked the witness.
"Certainly," replied the judge.
''The whole truth about the plain
tiff?
"Of course"
''How long does this court expect to
sit?"
What difference does that make?'
ut makes lot of difference. /
couldn't tell the whole truth about that
scoundrel inside of thirty days, talking
all the time" Chicago Post.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
suinea bx a Receding Sea.

Castle Rising is an instance of decay
brought about by a receding sea, the
town, once a place of considerable i'm
portance giving way to Kings Lynn
as the waters retired. A memory of
the former relative positions of the two
places is kept alive by the lines:
Rising was a seaport town
When Lynn was but a marsh;
Now Lynn it is a seaport,
And Rising fares the worse
But, though it lost it's commercial val
ne, it retained its political status, re-
turning two members down to the re-
form act of 1882 At that time it had
three voters on it's poll list. but the only
person legally entitled to exercise the
right Of voting was the rector.-London
Chronicle.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16

~ POETS!
W / say, poets,
Rhyme-riveterS,
M eter-mechanics,
Arise.
Let us establish a union,
With constitution and bylaws
Strictly defining
The rights and the practice OF
lyrical labor!
Behold, the occasion
Has come for concerted
And strenuous action,
Since monarchS unprompted
BY need of the money,
Are using the muses.
And filling the pages
Of dailics and weeklies
And monthlies, depressing
Legitimate craftsmen
By working for nothing.
The queen of Roumania
Began it-forgive her.
A woman, you know!
Then Emperor William
Spurred Pegasus madly.
Now hobs up the czar
With bunch of illusions!
The last is too much.
Unless, o my brethren,
We shape us union,
Believe me, were done for,
Eternally done!
BecauSe-can't you see it,
These rulers will flood the
Poetical market.
They haven't blessed
Thing other to do!
So here's to our union.
A winner, I'll warrant
Well boycott al houses
4 Which publish a single
Verse, ballad or sonnet
Not bearing the label,
The blaZon supreme OF
Professional labor,
And, should they defy US.
Well call for general
Strike sympathetic
All over the world,
And thus in fifty
Well run up the prices
Of rhymes till-a MARVEL
A scribbler may live!
OF course, o my brethren.
Twill only be fair then
To make me the savior
OF regular poets,
The president of this
International Amalgamated Rhyme
Riveters and Meter-Mechanics'
union
For life
AT a mean salary
(Just suggestionD
OF fifty thousand five hundred
golden SimoleonS
Per year.
New Orleans Times-Democrat.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Getting Stingy.

Constance-Why so lachrymose. Ger
trude? Is there any perceptible diminu-
tion of his love?
Gertrude--No, but of late. he evinces
a Discrimination to talk about his mon
ey.-Town Topics.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
The Exchange Habit.

81 took back those socks that
wouldn't fit Willie"
''The ones you said you'd changer"
'Yes. And that odious Jim Cramp
ton waited on me. He asked me how
long | had kept the socks, and l an
swered about two weeks. And what
do you think he said?"
''Give it up"
He said l ought to change 'em of
tener. "-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Evidences of Riches.

isn't her display of diamonds mag
nificent?'
"It is undeniably lavish replied
Miss Cayenne, land in SO much better
taste than it would be to ornament her
self with real money and government
bonds. Wv Washington Star.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Sadly Practical.

Don't you sometimes envy the old
time giants OF craftsmanship their gifts
for rhetoric and oratory?'
Sometimes" answered Senator Sor-
ghum. '"The only difficulty is that
these gifts are liable to lead a man to
think up speeches instead of schemes
for making money. Washington Star
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16

The largest human brain of nine
hundred measured was that OF q WON
an. 115 cubic inches: the smallest adult
males siXty-two cubic inches There
is mentioned the skull of one of the
Inca Peruvian race which is but sixty
cubic inches The Caucasian skull is
larger than that of any other race
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
How She Studied 1t

"She claims to have studied music"
"Well, she haS-after q fashion"
"How is that?"
why, she has studied the pronun
citation of the names of the great com
poserS. Brooklyn Eagle.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Some Georgia Sayings.

You'll never get on the sunny side by
waiting for the world to turn round.
Men who live in the stars generally
think it's hard world when they come
tumbling down.
There is any quantity of gold in the
land, but some folks enjoy it most
when the other fellow digs it.-Atlanta
Constitution.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16

traced TO the k1UneyS,
but now modern
science proves that
nearly all diseases
have their beginning
in the disorder of
these most important
organs.
The kidneys filter
and purify the blood
that is their work.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Generous.

That's the seventh time you've wa
tered that plant today, Maria. and the
florist said twice week would be
enough"
"Yes, | know, John, but l can't bear
to be so stingy when water is so
cheap. New York Evening Journal
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
An EXPLANATION.

"Ma, what's q romance in real l1feT'
"You listen to your pa when he COM
plains of having terrible headache
the next time l ask him to go to
church. That III be one.'-Chicago
Record Herald.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
His Old Master,

He Showing his country cousin a por-
trait in his art gallery)-What do you
think of my old master?
She-Pleasant face the old gentleman
has. How long did you study with him!
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
In the Bookstore.

Jones new book won't set the river
on fire"
NO; but a dozen of 'em in the CRATE
will keep the room warm"-Atlanta
Constitution
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Trouble Ahead.

Hell am in love and am engaged.
She-You ought to be very happy.
II don't think So 1t isn't the same
girl."-Smart Set.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Phy.tcany, Not Financially.

She-I thought you said your father
was big contractor.
He-So he is. He weighs 325 pounds.
Chelsea Gazette.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Upon the Ottoman.

Upon the Ottoman.
When Johnnie Jones and Jennie Smith
First felt young Cupid's dart
They were upon the ottoman
And sat thus far apart
But later on was heard a sound;
Twas very like kiss,
And, 10, upon the ottoman
Theysatsomewhatliket
Town Topics.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
Often The Kidneys Are
Weakened by Over Work.

Unhealthy Kidneys Make Impure Blood.
1t used to be considered that only
urinary and bladder troubles were to be
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16

Didn't l tell you couldn't see him."
Yes, sir. l told him that, but he
said he could fix that all right. He's
an oculist San Francisco Examiner.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16

Therefore, when your kidneys are weak
or out of order, you can understand how
quickly your entire body is affected and
how every organ seems to fail to do Its
duty.
If you are sick or " feel badly" begin
taking the great kidney remedy, DR..
Kilmer's Swamp-Root, because as soon
as your kidneys are well they will help
all the other organs to health. A trial
will convince anyone.
If you are sick you can make no mis-
take by first doctoring your kidneys.
The mild and the extraordinary effect of
DIR. Kilmer's Swamp-ROot, the great
kidney remedy, is soon realized. 1t
stands the highest for its wonderful cures
of the most distressing cases, and is sold
on it's merits by all EsE
druggists in ffty-cent b3siiFs As|:s:: :E.:E
and one-dollar size HUI s:::;s
bottles. You may ssls sl9 ZEE
have sample bottle Home Of swamp.Root
by mail free, also a pamphlet telling you
how to find out if you have kidney or
bladder trouble Mention this paper
when writing to DR.. Kilmer & Co., Bling
hamtor, N. Y. Don't make any mistake,
but remember the name, SwanpRoot,
DIR. Kilmer's Swamp-Root, and the adj
dress, Binghamton, N. Y, on every bottle.
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16
THE POETS UNION.

1.-THE latest royal parsonage to write
verse and to publish it is the car OF
Russia
Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1904-01-16

Governess- Kitty, you careless
child! There are not two rs in very"
Rub one of them out.
Kitty-Yes, but which one?
The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1904-05-06
DEATHS ROLL CALL.

From Tuesdays Daily.
A. B. Lawrence of st. Cloud was acct
dentally shot to death in a room in a
hotel at Elk River last Sunday morning
between eight and nine o'clock. The ac-
cident occurred while Mr.. Lawrence was
examining revolver which he had pur-
chased recently.
Mr.. Lawrence was born at Albert Lea
Jan. l6, 1865, and was married to Miss
Minnie Hall of Wells July %, 1889. At
the time of his death he was employed
as travelling man for the Minneapolis
Threshing Machine company. Mr..
Lawrence was a popular gentleman and
was highly thought of by all who knew
him. Had he lived until next year he
would have received promotion from
the company to the position of state
agent for western state. The deceased
leaves widow and three children, three
sisters, Mrs. F. S. Everett of Indio, Cal,
Mrs. II. w. Everett of Wells, and Mrs.
J. A. Hartman of Mankato; also one
brother, w. A. Lawrence, Calgary, Can
ada.
The funeral was held in Minneapolis
yesterday afternoon and interment was
at Rosewood cemetery.
The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1904-05-06
CARS JUMP TRACK.
Traffic Delayed Few Hours on the
Great Western.

From Wednesdays Daily.
The west bound train No. PIP, due in
the city at 1890 a. M, over the Great
Western road, met with an accident
this forenoon when about four miles out
from Mankato. A refrigerator car jump
ed the track and pulled two freight cars
off, and two of the cars were landed
across the track. Conductor Kidder got
one hand cut with glass in the cupola OF
the caboose. The track will not be
cleared until late this afternoon.
The noon passenger train from the
Twin Cities went as far as the obstruc-
ton and was met on this side of it by "a
Great Western engine and two Milwau-
kee coaches, and the passengers, bag
gage, express and the mails were trans
ferred around the wreck. Among the
passengers were the Gas You Like IT.
company, which appears at the opera
house tonight under the auspices of the
Knights of Pythias. 1t numbers fifteen
members, and carries a large amount OF
special scenery and other baggage, and
all of this was conveyed from one train
to the other.
The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1904-05-06

this country twenty-one years ago. He
came to Mankato a year later. Here he
was married to the wife he now leaves.
He has lived with her in Mankato for
nineteen years.
The couple never had any children.
Mrs. Rothschenk had children by former
marriage, but all died, before her mar
rage to Mr.. Rothschenk. He had no
relatives in Mankato, and none in this
country nearer than cousins. He has
brothers and sisters in Germany.
Coroner Kennedy, Chief of Police
Donahue and Officer Vogel went to the
scene of the suicide. Coroner Kennedy
had not at that time decided whether
or not to hold an inquest.
The body was removed to the under
taking building of Lamm & Landkam-
er at l22 East Walnut street. All that
was found in the pockets consisted of a
lead pencil and one of Fowler & Pays
office envelopes, whereon was written, in
German, in the handwriting of the de-
ceased, that he left all his property to
his wife. The coroner considering this
find as sufficient evidence that the deed
was premediated by the deceased decid-
ed not to hold any inquest. There was
bright moonlight during the early
hours of the morning and it may be that
the man was thus enabled to write the
note without alarming his wife.