Adams County news. [volume] (Ritzville, Wash.) 1898-1906, 1904-05-18
gibson Z THOMPSON, Publishers Proprietor
Essay on Man.

graduated l.Om tne COileSc vi lSHoI-
ance has perpetrated the following
which is given to the public. Kind
reader, irate subscriber, this is the
first production from this writer and
we hope it will be the last. Forgive
him.
Man is a wonderful animal. He is
indispensable to the welfare and per-
petuation OF the human race, and
when young may be taught many
amusing and useful tricks, such as
swearing, chewing tobacco and smok-
ing cigarettes. He is born hatless,
coatless and barefooted, and the ear
lier stages Of his existence are known
az infancy, childhood and youth; the
later stages are designated as man.
hood. middle life and old age. He is
divided into four distinct class, the
Top, the dandy, the dude and the luna.
tic. Lunatics are divided into four
classes, lawyers, doctors, editors and
preachers. But l shall confine this
article to man in general during the
different stages OF his existence.
He begins the first stage OF his
earthly existence soon after he is
born and is then about as worthless as
arotten egg, and don't know his daddy
from a jack rabbit. You wouldn't
think then that he would ever aspire
to the dignity of plug hat, cutaway
coat and kid gloves, but wait and
watch him develop. He develops as
he expands and gets larger, as he
grows, and every year adds 1865 days
more or less to his life. During this
stage little can be said OF him except
that he is more bother than he will
ever be worth; But his female mother
thinks he is the cutest thing on earth
. and would take nothing for him.
He coon develops into the second
stage known as, childhood. During
this stage he can do more devilment
and get himself and his parents into
, more trouble than you can shake a
stick at. He can howl and yell and
scream and raise more racket than
a whole tribe OF Indians on the war
path.
He soon reaches the third stage
called youth; this is the plug hat, cut
away coat and kid glove age. He
dons plug hat, rubber collar, cuta.
way coat and kid gloves and goes out
on mash. He flirts with the girls
and cuts more monkey shines than
any other animal in the menagerie.
He imagines he is a wonderful freak
OF nature and knows more than the
gray haired fathers in Israel, and is
perfectly willing to lick anyone who
dares to dispute. From this he passes
on into the fourth stage called man
hood. At this stage he usually gets
married, though why he does it is a
mystery. He marries a woman OF
feminine gender, and feels that he is
the grandest and smartest and happi-
est being this side of the Pearly
Gates. However this feeling soon
passes off and he awakens to the reali-
ties OF life. He realizes that he is
still on this "terrestial ball" and has
a stomach. He reluctantly lays aside
his rubber collar and kid gloves, rolls
up his sleeves and pitches into the
shuttle for bread and butter, and if he
is not favorite OF fortune this shuttle
occupies the greater part OF his time,
and as the years come and 60 and
kids multiply around him, he arises
earlier and works harder and later,
until his muscles contract, his bones
ache, and his eyes start from their
sockets. This is called middle life be-
cause he is in the middle OF a devil
OF bad fix and if he escapes the asy.
lum and don't commit suicide he soon
passes into the last stage, known as
old age. He is now called grand. pap;
comfort and cheer him, because he
don't feel so grand as he used to.
Dear old grand pap, Notwithstanding
the tomfoolery Of his earlier life, he
is entitled to our sympathy and re-
spect. He has had his trials and his
troubles. He has passed through
years OF labor and sorrow, and afiic.
ton, Of blasted hopes and dissp nt.
ed ambitions. His children have for
saken him and his greatgrandchildren
mock him, and the wife of his bosom
has left he mark of the rolling pin
on his anatomy, and now in the eve.
ming OF his life, as the shadows of age
are gathering around him, and his tot
.tering steps are nearing the threshold
Of Eternity, let US cheer his declining
years with love, sympathy and kind
ness, and strew his pathway to the
grave with flowers.
Perhaps about the only man that