The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1904-04-03

Hebraic commercial traveller to a noted
Irish lecturer, who was returning home
from successful season in America
The Irishman looked over his inter-
rogator and repIied-''Never, unless !
take a hand with the grate;'' and no.
body smiled and the orator walked
away in disgust and related reminis-
cences Of Sheridan to the mainsail,
which crealzed appreciation.
The Young Doctor has tried to con-
vince me that bacterial and primor-
dial reptiles Chat is what he calls
frogs and snakes) never did innabit
Ireland, the legend OF st. Patrick to the
contrary notwithstanding, and IN
turn tried to convince a sad-eyed
Britisher that the Fourth of july ought
to be celebrated with enthusiasm in
London. Consider said r. what
would have been the situation now II
George Washington. instead Of Lord
CORVALLIS, had surrendered at York
town. Today our mainland popu2a-
ton in the United States is about
double that Of the British Islands. AS
we grew we would have obtained rep
resentation in the imperial Parliament
Whenever the tail grows bigger than
the dog, you know then the dog cannot
wag, the tail. but the tail wags the dog.
As we grew in wealth and numbers
Chauncey Depew would have been
Duke of New York, and Carter Harri-
son Earl of Chicago, and Bill Stewart
Marquis Of Nevada, and after a while
we would have had a majority both in
the Lords and Commons, and we would
have moved the seat of government to
Buffalo or Detroit, and the British Is
lands would have become outlying in
suIar possessions, the same as Hawaii
and Porto Rico. Don't you see that the
Fourth of July was your salvation %
He did not seem to appreciate the
force of my remarks. but there always
was a streak of dulIness in the British
intellect. I remember an incident IL
Illustrating this regularity, related by
General Robert C. Schenck who. thirty
years ago, was our Minister to Eng
land. General Sehenck was hated by
his foes, and misunderstood by many
who knew him not; but he was beloved
of his friends for his courage. clear
headedness and manIiness. Entrap-
ped by his misplaced confidence in the
value of the Little Emma mine, in
which property Schenck was himscl =
a large investor, he was unjustly CEN
sured for the disastrous result. mar
vel at his ill-advised investment, for
behind those square jaws of his, which
were wont to close with a most undip-
lomatic snap whenever the rights or
interests of his eountrymen were in
voIved, there abided wise as well as
a merry soul. General Bob as his
intimate friends called him. used to
wear stiff uniform at Court recep-
tons. and presented hard-baked crust
to strangers; but in his heart he hated
both crust and uniform, and nothing
delighted him more than to unbend
and rail at cant and hnnbug to a se-
lect circle of personal friends.
The story which he related was to
the effect that one OF his fellow pas
sengers on the steamer which carried
him to England, was his close friend,
Old Ben Holiday. Soon after reaching
London General Schenck became ac-
quainted with a weIl-conditioned Eng
ish gentleman by the name Of Christ
mas.
Rather a singular name you bear.
Mr.. Christmas . said the General
Yes. General Schenck." replied the
party addressed, IT do not think there
is another family of that name in the
kingdom
-T met a relative Of yours on the
steamer said the General. An Amer
lean by the name Of Holiday
Mr.. Christmas shook his head with
grave elaboration. mo, General,
Sehenck," said he, ST have no relative
by the name of Holiday"
An hour afterward old Ben Holiday
called at the Embassy. There was a
relation of yours here a while ago,
Ben said Schenck-'tllat is. sup
pose he must be a relation by his name
"a gentleman named Christmas
I've no relation by that name, and
no relation in England of any name,
said Holiday
Our PIenipotentiary did not press his
joke. or eadeavor to explain it. But
tEal evening finding himself dinner
guest at the house of a titled English
man, Schenek related both stories, and
waited for appreciation. Each gentle
man present glared his neigRbor in the
eye, in a vain endeavor to ascertain
where the laugh came in. At last the
host, a noble lord. rousing himself to
the exiSenceney, laughed feebly and
remarked "Aw. yes; that was really
very clever, you know, eh, We're they
related, GeneraI?''