Waterbury evening Democrat., 1904-03-22
HowWe ApriI-Fool
 Uncle Jed
By CLARA AUGUSTA

 I AM Uncle Jed Bent's nephew, and 4 my name is Samuel Adams Monroe Jinks-called Sam Jinks, for short Dads run away, and mas married to old man Higgins. Know old Higgins? Wall, you'd ought to. &
 For downright, measly meanness, he beats the band. No/he never stole any cents off'n his grandmother's eyes, that I know of. but he cuts his beard off with mas scissors to save buying razor, and he'd grudge tramp cat the privilege of meyouing in his back yard for fear she'd use up some of his air.
 Uncle Jed he lived in our house. He's mas brother. Never had any wife, cause he hates women so. Ma says his girl went back on him, and soured him up when he was young. It must be an awful thing to be soured when you are young. r...l
 Ma says his girl was red headed and freckle-faced. As if any man would be fool enough to mourn hisself bald headed and rheumatic for a red-head- ed, frecklefaced girl! Catch me!
 But Uncle Jed's been courted con- siderable. Three widows have tackled him, and ever so many old maids. But he's fit shy. Old Widow Dobson thought she'd get him for sure last winter, and kept sending him liniment for his rheumatism. but when she of- fered to rub it onto his shoulders for him. he drawed the line.
 Maud's my sister. She is an awful good fellow, and she and manage to make things pretty lively at our house. Eva, that's my oldest sister, has got a beau. He's regular one, and comes every Thursday night and every Sum- day night, parts his hair in the mid- de, and smells like drug shop--all kinder cinnamony and spicy. You can scent him a half-mile off. Old Hug ins he growls so much about the kero- sene that Eva buys candles. Some times they don't light 'em. Anybody can spoon in the dark, if it's neces- sary, s'pose. ..
 It's fun to watch folks court. Maud and I hide in the closet in the dining room sometimes, and watch 'em court. Once he told her she was sweet as a rose, and graceful as a deer, and pret- tier than pink, an dearer than dia- mondl And she said: "Oh. Willie. boy! how can your"
 He said he could. and she said: "Now, Willie, you awful, dreadful, wicked boy!"
 Then he said for her to kiss him, and she giggled and said she'd holler for ma, but he did 1t, and she never hollered a holler.
 She sot down in his lap, and the darning needle that I'd put into the rocking chair cushion got in its work. Gee! You ought to have heard that young man swear! Shook the house and reused up old man Higgins. and 1t took ma the rest of the night to soothe him off.
 But was going to tell you about how we fooled Uncle Jed.
 Jed he said that he'd bet dollar that there waren't nobody living that could play any fool jokes on him. He said he only wisht they'd try, and he looked hard at Maud and me. ex- pect it was because last April fool day Maud and me stretched 8 stout string outside of old Hugins' chamber door; the suller stairs are right to the foot of the back stairs, and we left the sul- Ter door open, and old Higgins he tripped over the string and never let LID till he landed in the cistern In the suiler. which is right at the foot or the stairs, so's to be handy.
 Gee! What day that was at our house.! It was more'n three weeks be- fore my back got well, where the old man laced me with a whip, but the fun of seeing him go down was worth 1t.
 Maud and put our heads together, and we agreed that we'd write two let- ters-one to old maid Wiggins over to Peaks Crossing and t'other to Uncle Jed.
 Miss wiggins is bachelor girl of the first water, and she's that puckered and dried up that I should think she'd be afraid to go to sleep for fear she'd be an Egyptian mummy when she woke up.
 Maud said we'd get them two togeth- CT down in Robinson park, and see what they'd say, when they found out 1t was all fool joke.
 wrote the letter to her and 1t read  thusly:
 ..My Respected and Adored Madam: For a long. long time have worshtped you afar off and my beating heart has nearly leaped out of my bosom when you have passed by! Oh, how love you! would gladly lay myself and my fortune-fifteen hundred thousand dollars of it--at your feet! Ifyou think kindly of such devotion, meet me at he biz elm in Robinsons park, Tuesday evening at eight o'clock. Wear a red rose in your bosom. Your devoted admirer.
 "J."
 We gave Mulligan's boy, Tim, three marbles and big chew of spruce gum to carry it over to Miss Wiggins' house and tuck 1t under the door.
 Maud and I together composed the letter to Uncle Jed.
 We wrote it on pink stationery, and scented it with vanilla essence out of one of mas cooking bottles:
 Highly Respected and Honored sdr: Pardon humble and adortng female who for many years has adored you, but must speak or die! l am young and conf6ing,