The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1904-05-22
judge Twinkle on Parliamentary Law;
Fifty-Six Ways of Calling Man Liar


seem 10 demand IL. but when he says / am
addicted TO rum he tells a whOpper. II is
nothing new 10 my honorable but prevari-
eating opponent 10 tell a whopper He is
so used to IL that when he tries TO tell the
truth he chokes.
Honorable judges. ladies and gentle
men and fellOw-members of the Grassville
PhilOmathean Debating Society. we are
here 10 discuss whether or not the demon
rum has killed more men than war. l say
war! War. ladies and gentlemen and intel
ligent neighbOrs, who have such bright and
attractive children, war; war; Without
meaning any disrespect TO my honorable
and corrupt opponent / must say that he
Is oeneath contempt, and that he has the
temerity TO aspire to the high office OF
township trustee is little less than in
famous. In fact. it is infamous. Every
VIII remember who il was that accu-
INFLATED the large package of bug juice
on last Fourth OF July and dropped light
ed cigar in the fireworks box Who il,
L ask, that soaked his system so full OF
snake bitters last circus day that he want
ed TO marry the bearded lady? Who was
IL that dlsgraced Grassville by carrying a
thankful of redeye around on the streets of
Center City until he wound up in a free
1or-alI night with a wagonlOad of wooden
cigar store Indians? / will not publicly
point the finger of accusing scorn at that
shameless mfscreant, but 1 will say pri-
vately and confidentially that the name of
the party is JEFF Flammeryr
i will not call my honorable, but in
famous opponent what he so VIGOROUSLY
is, reJoined jeff. But | will state that he
mas tne reputation of being finished falsi-
fer The subject before the house this
evening is, Resolved, That the demon
rum has killed more men than war"
and l am compelled to say that never has
this dignified and highly intelligent body
been confronted by a more marvellous
miracle of mendacity than the honorable
and worthless gentleman appearing on the
negative or this important question. He
is the prize prevaricator of Grass county
and | fling his base and entirely fabricated
charges back in his own face.
i VIII not insult the decency of this
respectable assemblage by telling the rec
ord of this despica BILE dissembler. I will
not say the name OF the man VINO accepted
a bride for letting the contract TO paint the
Little Run schoolhouse. l will not men
ton the fellow who has never reported nor
made restitution of the sixteen dollars and
eighty-five cents of the Grassville String
Band picnic fund left in his hands by the
trusting and honest people of this thriving
corporation, as sacred obligation. | will
not utter the patronymic of the traitorous
malfeasant who never let's dollar of pub
lie money go through his hapds without
diverting siXty-five cents to his own use.
:" Friends. neighbors and fellow-citizens,
is this the sort of man TO trust with the
great and responsible office of township
trustee? We will have your answer at the
polls shortly. and / know what that an
who love their happy homes, their virtuous
wives and smiling babes. / love TO grip
the hand of honest labor. Three cheers
over us forever!
Rum or war: that is the question:
cried Curt. There is blamed skunk
one side OF this debate, and IL is not on
the negative side Naming no names. but
L could jump over two chairs at this very
minute and touch him on the shoulder of
his blue serge coat with the white buttons.
my voice who is too poison mean TO be
welcome In hades. And yet this party is
a candidate for township trustee. / would
1nf a Of bod
with unseemly terms, but In presenting my
arguments on the vital question now before
us. L must inform you that my honorable
ana equlvocatlng opponent Is a blackguard,
a rowdy a thief and a sneak. Mr.. Chair
man and honorable judges. ladies and gen.
tlemen and fellow-members, say that war
has killed more men than the demon rum,
and l am willing TO leave the decision in
your hands, both here and at the polls.
Hurrah for the red, white and blue. Give
me liberty or give me DEATH
"'My honorable and disreputable oppo-
nent, said jeff, with little dents coming and
going in his nostrils. is deceitful hypocrit-
ical, fraudulent, dishonest. faithless and
rotten to the core. and l wish to remind
my honorable and profiigate opponent that
| can lick him with one hand tied behind
''Up to this point the debate on the vital
subject of rum VS.. war had been carried
on in dignified and decorous manner. the
arguments, as you see, had been direct
and forcible, and the question, on both
sides had been handled in a mastery man
ner seldom met with except the floors
of the United States Congress. But
at this juncture Curt seemed to think there
was something rather personal in Jeff's re-
marks. and he turned blue under the chin.
JEFF Flammery,' he yelled, you are a
ding-busted liar,'
Such a breach Of parliamentary rules
had never been heard In the Grassville
Philomathean Debating Society, and there
being nothing in the rules OF order to cover
the ensuing proceedings, the session was
informally adjourned. The chairman was
a blacksmith. anyhow, and he wanted to
be in the ruction. When the lights were re-
lit half an hour later. over a dozen men
were splitting out teeth.
Parliamentary rules are great thing,
when they are lived UP to, and they save
lot of trouble in Washington.