davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
OLD ALMANAC JOKES.
Collection Lately Presented to the
Missouri Historical Society.

A collection of alrnanacs has been pre-
scented to the Missouri State Historical
society by w. H. Thomson of near
Columbia. The almanacs are 10S in
number and date from 1885 up to the
present time, there being one for each
year. Included in the collection are two
volumes Of the western Conick AL
manack," published in Cincinnati, in
1884 and 1885 by N. and G. Guilford &
Co. and Hubbard & Emmands.
Although some of the earlier al
manacs contain jokes and so-called hui
norous anecdotes, these two volumes
are the Oldest books in the library which
are devoted exclusively to jokes. AS an
aid in tracing the pedigrees of present
day jokes, the volumes vii prove in
valuable.
space is devoted to original jokes, witty
remarks and humorous anecdotes. -
Some of the jokes found in this number
are still answering, and have appeared
in recent humorous publications as orig
inal. The jokes are not accompanied by
any key or chart. but 50 as to make the
humor of the joke readily apparent to
the reader they are all published under
headings of 'humor" and the parts of
the anecdotes supposed to be funny
were printed in italics. Some of the
jokes which were thought exceptionally
good were printed under the head Very
Funny
There is nothing to indicate the au-
thorship of any OF the jokes. Some OF
the very funny jokes which appear
in the almanac of 1904 were as follows:
"a dull judge of the inferior courts
of a sister state, having attended to a
variety of causes in the morning, went
/ to dine at friends house with a most
excellent appetite. Among the COM
pany was a witty barrister. The Judge
eating very heartily Of dish of sal
mon, observed that he had filed him.
self so full that he needed hopping.
g Your honor is much more in want
of heading replied the witty bar
rister.''
"A professor, 1eeturing on heat, OBJ
served that one of its most conspicuous
properties was the power OF expanding
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
How Jefries Viewed Munroe.
By James ]. Jeffries.)

10y James j. JeIIT1eS.1
New York. March If I had been
obliged to render an official decision at
the termination of the Munroe- Sharkey
battle, I would have given the verdict
to Munroe. True. he did not score
knockout, but he clearly demonstra ted
to the satisfaction of all those present
at the ring side that he was the sailors
superior, at least on Saturday night.
1t was an interesting match to me,
for 1 went to the ringside with the ex-
press purpose of seeing the man that
would probably be my next opponent.
had no choice in the matter of snIec-
ton. I was open to meet the best man.
Had there been a knockout the result
would have been more decisive, but
Munroes advantage was clear enough
to give him the decision.
I must confess that Munroe's clever
showing against such a strong. burly
fellow as Sharkey was somewhat of a
surprise to me. 1t was the first time
that l saw Munroe in action since our
four-round session at Butte. He has
learned considerable about the game
since then. ] think he has improved
100 per cent.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
SAVING CLAUDE FOR THE EAST
May Not Be Started in Montgomery
Handicap at Memphis.

New York, March LATTER Claude won
the Palace hotel handicap at the Ingle-
side sid track slt about ten days ago NJ. j. DAILY,
owner of the horse, stated he would I'M
dolJbtedly start him in the big eastern
handicaps and many western horseInen
are of the opinion that with his weight
of 105 pounds he has chance TO WIN
This good racer had a hard season in
1903, but it appears to have done him no
harm and he seems to be the same Claude
that finished second in the American Der
by. He is game can run on any klno OF OF
a track, and can carry weight. In the
Claude it would not be. surprising If he
turned out to be one of the best handl-
can horses in the country.
For the Montgomery handicap Claude
is given top weight with Injunction put
Suburban handicaps in view it will be
surprising if he is sent to the post in the
feature event of the Memphis Jockey
club.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01

San Francisco. March Zine weather
favored the racing at Oakland. but the
track was heavy. The surprise of the
afternoon came in the race for Swear olds
over the Futurity course. The start was
of them being practically left. They were
pulled up by their riders. Ce1ebrant, play
ed from even money to 8 to 5, was re-
garded as a good thing. but stopped bad
" and finished third. Lord Wadsworth.
a Is to 1 shot, won from Red Cross Nurse
at tens. In the first race at five and one
half furlongs Little Sister, after running
about a quarter of a mile, staggered and
fell, dying almost instantly. She rup-
tured a blood vessel. Knapp, who rode
her, escaped injury. Cassie w won the
race from Amoriuna, a 30 to shot, while
Rustic Girl, the favorite, was third Burns
and Waterhouse announced that their
horses in training will be sold at auction
on March 15
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01

Washington, March These post
masters have been appointed:
Kansas-Grenola, Elk county, Ellis
"A Mann. vice o. c. ShackeIford, re-
signed.
Hiram A. Castleberry, vice d. Jacobs,
resigned; Crapper, Garfield county,
Harvey c. Williams. vice John limp
ken. resigned: Lyons, Woods county,
George J. Walker. vice Samuel M
county, Preston D. Jones. vice Annie
Forester. resigned; Mira. Woods county.
Eugene Ferguson, vice Otis o. Lord,
resigned.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
Manhattan Driving Club Formed.

Manhattan, Kas., March IA driv-
ing association will be organized by
the forsemen of this city for the pur-
pose of improving and training trot-
ting and pacing horses in this vicinity.
The race-track at the city park will
be used for matinee driving. W. B.
Mccormick, owner of Red Bird, and
several other fast horses, is the insti-
gator of the move.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
saiger and Rafael to a Draw.

San Francisco, March 1.-The con-
test between Seiger and Rafael was
declared a draw at the end of the tenth
round. Rafael put a good fight for a
short ender. and the crowd became
very demonstrative at the decision, evil
IDENTIFY thinking Rafael should have
received the verdict. Rafael through
out landed the most telling blows. but
Seiger on the other hand did most OF
the leading. The latter was consider
ably overweight. Seiger recently lost a
decision to Jimmy Britt in this city.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
Davenport Depends on mcKenna.

Davenport, Ia. March by signing
J. M. McKenna, a left-handed pitcher,
who finished last season with the
Spaldings of Chicago, Manager Hayes
of the Davenport Three T. League
club thinks he has broken the sshoo-
doo'' which hung over Davenport last
year. Hayes got along without a
''south-paw' then. but lost eighteen
straight games to Rock Island. VIM
ming only the last game of the season
from that town by bringing Gus
Munich, a ieft-handed Chicago twirler
here to pitch the game for Davenport.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
Sixth Infantry to Remain.

Fort Leavenworth, Kan, March 1.-The
Sixth infantry will probably remain. at
this post another year. 1t is the policy
of the war department at present to
keep nine infantry regiments in the Phil
ippfnes at one time and for a regiment to
remain in the Orient two years. The
Sixth will take the place of either the
First or Fourteenth infantry, one of
which will come here in March.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
Pierce to Coach Badger Team.

Madison, Wis, March 1.-The ath-
letic board of the university has elect
ed Elmer E. Pierce coach of the base
ball team. He was captain of the 1901
team and for the past two seasons has
been playing with st. Paul. He caught
on the Wisconsin varsity team in 1900
and 1901, he and Bandelin composing
ed again with st. Paul, but will not
join the team until the close of the
university season.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
Racing at Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, Cal, March Ladies' day
brought out a good attendance at Ascot
park and the betting was lively. But two
favorites rewarded their hackers. Dargin
was heavily played by the talent to win
the second race, but wheeled as the bar
rier went up and was practically left at
the post The last race went to a, long
shot Albert Enright. at 80 to l.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
oELLULoID ExPLoDEs.
Little Arkansas City Child Badly In
iured by Fire,

FAINT son OF Mr. and Mrs. w. N. Votaw
died in agony Monday afternoon from
burns received while playing with a cellu-
loid rattle box. The baby was sitting on
the floor near a hot stove when the rattle
box took fire and exploded. The flames
were blown into his face and set fire to
the clothing, burning the flesh. The flesh
of the hand in which the toy WAS held
was blown away by the explosion. There
was no one in the room with the child
except an older sister. The baby was
about four feet from the stove when the
accident happened.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
CLARK Begins Work at Princeton.

Princeton, N. J., March Fired
Clarke, manager and captain of the
Pittsburg National League baseball
team, who recently accepted a position
as coach OF the Princeton team, arrived
in town and this afternoon, with Head
Coach Hillebrand and Captain Stevens.
took charge OF the squad and put them
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
SKATING Is a PARIS FAD.
0AA : ~ y ~ - Z . : -
Ice Palace Is the Scene Of Many Not
ably Gay Gatherings.

Paris, March 1-Skating is the fad of
the moment in Paris at the club meeting
morning at the ice palace. Among the
indefatigable skaters is Mrs Leishman
and her daughter, the. 1nfanta Eulelia
Baroness H De Rothschild and John
Leishman, United States minister to Tur-
key.
On Washington's birthday q fancy dress
bali was given in Loops palace, the cos
tunes picturing mural advertisements.
There were some remarkable effects, es-
peeia11y in the costumes worn by Misses
Lunlley and Gay burst.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
To succaed DR.. swansaon.

Salina, Kan. March 1.-The following
with the presidency of Bethany college to
succeed the late DIR. Carl A. Swensson.
Prof. Phiblad, Iindsborg, the present
head of the institution; DR.. Granville of
Yale college, DR.. Abrahamson and Prof.
Frank Nelson of Mcpherson, ex-state SUI
perintendent of public instruction.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01

through two hours of fielding and bat
ting practice. The call for candidates
from the freshman class was issued a
few days ago. and at present about tit
ty men are practicing in the cage.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
Racing at New Orleans .

New Orleans La, March MILTON Nc
Henry. the trotting horse driver broke
out Of the maiden class on the running
turf when his mare Mariana won the
first race for maiden 3-year-oids. Wreath
of Ivy and New York were the only
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
a New Lutheran Church at Havs.

Hays, kan, March 1.-The Trinity Luth-
eran church was dedicated here Sunday
1t Is stone structure costing 5000; 81
200 Of this amount was raised at the ser
Atchison, the Rev. Bergstresser Of Abb
Iane Assisting.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
e Fought 20 Rounds to a Draw.

Kansas City. March Johnny Rea-
gan of Brooklyn and Clarence Forbes
of Chicago fought twenty rounds to a
draw here last night.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
Husband and wife Dead.

Abilene, Kas.. March daniel Tear,
q prominent farmer of this county, died
of pneumonia. His wife died of the dis
ease last Wednesday. This makes ten
deaths in this county from pneumonia
in the last two weeks.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01

beaten favorites and the Iatter's race with
Lev Dorsey in the handicap for which
both were heavily backed was one of the
best contests of the meeting. Pronta was
run up to 1890 after the fifth race and
sold to A. BeIlew
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
Challengea word to walk.

New York, March flames Graham of
Lockport, n. Y wishes TO walk against
any man in America from 50 to 100 miles.
He will attempt to walk from New York
to Buffalo in six days on wager OF
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-01
a. Guaranteed Cure for pilea.

Itching. blind, bleeding or protrudine
piles Your druggist will refund money II
PAZO OINTMENT fails to cure you IL 4
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25
A Roll of Butter.

The little town of Mercer boasts a
greengrocer with all the wisdom of
Solomon. reports the Philadelphia Led
ger. The other day country woman,
famous the country over for the quail
ity of her butter, called on this old
Silas 1'reeves with the odd request that
he take five pound roll of her max
ing giving her in place Of cash an
equal amount of butter from his own
stock. Knowing. as he did, that her
butter was better than any he had
ever handled and knowing, too. that
she knew that it was the old fellow
became somewhat suspicious and ques-
toned the woman's motive.
We'll. you see" she said finally,
when come to do the churnin' this
week I found Il mouse drowned in the
cream. and somehow our folks feel
kind O offish about eatin' this here
butter"
And do you expect me to sell that
kind of butter 10 my customers?"
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

SowED HER MOTHERS LIVER PILLS
There is a woman in Phoenix who
has the correct idea, all right, but
whether it will work out remains for
the future to disclose.
Recently her husband bought small
ranch, and with him she has been
much interested in planning improve
ments, especially in the growing line
with which to adorn the place.
The other day beds were prepared
for sweet peas, and the lady of the
house was busily engaged in asserting
her seeds and carrying the little pack
cts out of doors, where their contents
were transferred to the beds in reg
ular order. AS each variety was plant
ed the name was placed on small
marker, as is the custom with garden
ers.
In a particularly choice location the
contents of a packet were laboriously
dropped, one by one, until the row was
filled and the earth nicely smoothed
over it. When the lady picked up the
packet to properly write the marker
she discovered that she had carefully
planted her mothers package Of liver
pills.-Arizona Republic.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

"Now, look here. Silas Treeves," said
the old woman, my buffers better'n
any your customers ever gets, and as
for the mouse-well, what they don't
know won't hurt them"
The old man took the butter and
weighed it. went to his cellar and af-
ter little while returned with a roll of
a somewhat different shape. but very
much the same general appearance,
and, this being satisfactory to his GUS
toner, she took it and went out.
About a week later the country wo-
man happened in again.
How'd you like the butter?' asked
the old philosopher.
First rate" replied the woman.
Folks eat it?"
yep"
"Well, maybe you was right, after all,
about what people don't know not
hurtin' 'em. You ct the butter with
the mouse in 1t, after all. jes' chang
ed the shape of the roll little
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

POOR LAND.-Elbert Hubbard was
condemning a certain popular novel.
This novel," he said, "is as poor
and barren as Elmo county land"
rs Elmo county land very poor and
barren?" asked one of Mr.. Hubbard's
interlocutors.
"Is it," said he. well, should say
it is. Once two strangers rode on
horseback through Elmo county, and
the barrenness of the land amazed
them. Nothing but weeds and rocks
everywhere. AS they passed a farm
house they saw an old man sitting in
the garden, and they said:
Poor chap! Poor, poverty
old fellow!
1.-The old man overheard them, and
called out in a shrill voice:
Gents. I hain't so poor an pow
erty-stricken as We think. l don't own
none O. this land"
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

A BRIGHT BoY.-Judge E. H. Gary,
the chairman of the executive commit
tee of the steel combine. used to live
in the Illinois town Of Wheaton.
"One day in Wheaton" Judge Gary
said recently. II took dinner with Il
clergyman and his family. The cler-
gyman had an eight -year-old son call
ed Joe, and Joe was a very bright boy.
LOOK here. joe said during the
course of the dinner. I have a uues-
ton to ask you about your father
Joe looked gravely at me.
".All right. I'll answer your ques-
tion, he said.
"'Well,' said I. I want to know If
your father doesn't preach the same
sermon twice sometimes
".Yes, I think he does, said Joe,
but the second time he always hollers
in different places from what he did
the first time"
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

A JAB AT INFIDELs.-After the open
ing meeting Of the Religious Education
Associations recent convention in
Philadelphia, Rev. Erastus Blakeslee,
of Boston, entertained DR.. Frederic
Tracy and DR.. Halsey Gulick with
stories Of his youth.
"A friend of mine at college" this
learned editor said, was lad of skep-
tical views. He and made a walking
tour one summer. and late on a GER
tain evening we stopped at lonely
farmhouse and asked for shelter for
the night.
1.-THE old woman who owned the
farm welcomed us. She had simple,
pious mind, and she insisted on our
taking part with her in the evening
prayers.
AT the prayers end my skeptical
companion attempted to deride her
piety.
"'Do you really believe he said,
that men are made Of dust?
1.-The Good Book says so. There
fore believe it, said the old woman.
"'How about wet weather, then,
when there is no dust, when there is
only mud? What is done then?' said
my friend.
"The old woman looked at him and
laughed.
".When there is only mud she said,
gn6de1s and such like truck are
made.'"
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

To RID PREMISES OF RATS AMI
MICE.-Here is Il farmers mode lol
Kidding his premises of rats and mice:
IF YOU will sprinkle sulphur on your
barn floor and through your corn as
YOU gather it. there will not be rat
or mouse bother. I have done TINS
for several years and have never been
bothered with rats or mice. l nave
some old corn i'm my crib at present
and not a rat or mouse can be FOUND
I'm stacking hay or oats, sprinkle on
the ground and little through each
load; and my word for it, rats or mice
can't stay there. A pound will be suf-
ficient to preserve a large barn of corn,
and it is good for stock and will not
hurt the corn for bread"
Tomahawk.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

NONSENSE said Sen
ator Beveridge, "pleases me when it is
dressed out cleverly, like the nonsense
Of Lewis Carroll, Of Lear, or Of Gill
bert. Here is a piece Of nonsense that
1 heard from tramp.
1.-TWO tramps overlook me one af-
ternoon in the country. 1t was an
April afternoon. l was walking fol-
the pleasure of the thing, and so were
they. They gave me friendly hail
and we trudged on together
"On the hilltop big building OF
granite appeared against the blue sky
The sun was setting, and the buildings
many windows were rosy with the re-
Elections of the level rays.
"'Wot's that there?' said the first
tramp.
THAT there what?' said I.
"'That there buildin',' said the
tramp.
"Oh, that answered. it's blind
asylum
"A wot?
"a blind asylum
eff it's a blind asylum, wot's il
want all them windows fur?'"
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

AN EASTER HAT-Daniel ]. Sully,
on the day of his admission to the
Chicago board of trade, lunched at
the Chicago club. He wore new
derby hat, for he had been pretty Sc
verely mauled by the brokers, and his
old hat had been altogether ruined.
You are not wearing the same hat
you had on this morning, SIR re-
porter said to Mr.. Sully. with a smile.
NO" the broker admitted, and he
went on:
Now I'll tell you an appropriate
and timely story-a story about a hat
and about Easter.
1.-TWO women shook hands warmly
after church on an Easter Sunday
morning. and while they conversed
they examined each others apparel
with their bright eyes.
How becoming your Easter hat is
said the first woman.
"Oh, do you think so?' said the
other
eyes, indeed. 1t looks almost as
we'll as it did last year."
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

az Some men are too busy to take a
rest until the undertaken gets them.
31f Most Of the good things we have
are not appreciated until the next day
BN' ANY girl who thinks as much OF
a man as she does of herself will do
to tie to.
"a A wise man never tells a woman
that she reminded him of an old
friend.
ss!' Any man will have a good opin-
ion Of you If you will always agree
with him.
sT Even a swindle-proof man can
sometimes be taken in by inviting him
to drink.
III Manhattan Island has an average
Of 1872 people to the acre, while Lon
don has sixty.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25
CHEAP EXCURSION RATES
VIA
SOUTHERN RAILWAY.

The Southern Railway announces
the following very low Excursion
rates to the following points named
NASHVILLE, TENN, and return.
account meeting peabody Normal
Summer School, June Sth, to August
3rd, 1904, at the very low rate Of one
first -class fare plus rs cents for the
round trip.
KNOXVILLE, TENN, and return,
account Summer School, from June
2S, to August 5th, 1904, at the very
low rate of one first-class fare plus 70
cents.
account meeting Southern Baptist
Convention and Auxiliary Societies.
May IL to IS, 1904, at the very low
rate Of one first-class fare plus 25
cents.
DETROIT, MICH, and return, ac-
count Baptist Young Peoples Union
of America. International Convention"
July 13 to Is, 1904, at the very low
rate Of one first-class fare plus 30
ATLANTIC CITY, N. J., and re-
turn, account Imperial Council An
cient Arabic Order, Mobiles Of the Mys-
tic Shrine" July 13 to is, 1904, at the
rate of one first class fare plus $1.OO
for the round trip.
MONTEAGLE, TENN, and return,
account "Woman's Congress-" from
August 1st to 7th, 1904, at rate of one
first-class fare plus 25 cents for the
round trip.
MONTEAGLE, TENN, and return.
account "Monteagle Sunday School
! institute" from August Is to 80, 1904.
at the very low rate Of one first-c!ass
fa.e plus rs cents for the round trip.
MUETEAGLE, TENN, and return,
account -'Monteagle Bible School"
from July to August 4th, 1904, at the
very low rate Of one first-class fare
plus Is cents for the round trip.
NEW ORLEANS, LA. and return,
account Southern Good Roads Meet
ing," from April 6 10 Z, 1904, at the
very low rate Of one first class fare
plus 25 cents for the round trip.
ATHENS, GA, and return, account
Summer School" from July S, to
August 6, 1904, at the very low rate of
one first class fare plus rs cents for
the round trip.
JACKSONVILLE, FLA, and return,
account Interstate Growers Associa-
tion," May 4 to 6, 1904, at the very low
rate Of one flrst-class fare plus rs cents
for the round trip.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1904-03-25

.S1' Eleven thousand automobiles were
sold in this country during the six
months ending with November last.
f3' Recently in Dundee $4,000 a ton
was paid for whalebone. This is said
to be the highest price ever paid for
whalebone.
343' The largest steamship in the
world is the Baltic, launched Nov. 81,
at Belfast. 1t Is 1853 feet in length,
40 feet in depth and 1876 in breadth.
Its tonnage is $4,000.