davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17

en- who anticipate marriage as especially
favorable occasions for courtship. The
parents apparently have absolutely moth
ing to do with the affair, this being free
country. The girl falls in love- with some
one, and the courtship begins. In the low
er classes the girl is said to be keeping
company with so and SO, or he Is her
steady company In higher circles the
admirer is devoted to the lady This
lasts for year. perhaps, the man mo-
nopolizing the young ,lady's time calling
so many times a week, as the case may
be, the familiarity between the two in
creasing until they finally exchange
kisses-a popular greeting in America.
About now they become affianced, or EN-
gagged and the man is supposed to ask
the consent of the parents
A Mormon Argument
In Washington, too, he met Mormon
bishop. and discussed polygamy with him.
Il was much amused at the bishops re-
marks he says. He said that if the
American politicians who were endeavor-
ing to kill them off would marry their
actual concubines, and all Americans
would do the same, the United States
would have a Mormon majority the next
day
Speaking Of the army and navy. he
frankly admits our superiority.
"The possibilities of America going to
war with another nation Is remote. From
what I see of the people and their ire
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17

during the egg state of my experience. I
sat next to charming lady, and having
been told that 1t was a custom of the
French to compliment women, remarked
that her cheeks doomed like our POPPY
In the Orient She laughed. and re-
sponded: Yes. I got that from my Eng
lfsh grandfather But your eyes are like
black pearls. l continued, seeing that I
was on what general on my right called
the right trail. I got them from nv
Italian grandmother she replied And
your hairgI pressed. Must be Irish
was the answer. for my paternal grand
mother was Irish and her husband Scotch
1t Is true that this charmingly beautiful
and composite goddess lat least she would
have been one had she not been naked
like gefsha at a mems dinner) was the
product of dozen nations, and a typical
American.
Process OF Assimilation
The first Americans were in
the nature Of emigrants; men and women
who did not succeed well in their own
country, and so sought new fields, Just
as people are doing today. They came
over In a. ship called the Mayf1ower, and
were remarkably prolific, as I met
thousands who hail from this stock =
imagine a coffee grinder into which
have been thrown Greek, Roman. Jew.
Gentle and all the rest, and then let what
tney cali uncle Sam-a heroic, paternal and
comical figure representing the govern
ment-turn the handle and grind out the
American, who Is neither Jew. Gentle,
Greek. Roman, Russ nor Swede, but a
| new product. sui generis, and mostly
Methodist This process has never ceas-
ed for an hour. America has been from
| 1892 to the present time, in the Ian
guage of the American press, the dumping
| ground of the nations of the world, the
real open door; yet this grinding assimila-
| ton has gone on. 1t is perhaps due to the
| water, or the air; but the product of these
people born on the soil is described by nc
other word than American. 1t may be
sh-American, very offensive; Dutch
American, very strenuous like the vice
president; Jewish-American, very com
mercial; Italian-American. very dirty an6
reeking with garlic; but 1t is American
totally unlike its progenitor. a something
into which Is blown tremendous en-.
ergy that Is very wearisome, a bombas
which Is the sum of that of all nations
and conceit like that possessed by
alore. You see 1t Is incurable, also of
fensive-at least to the Oriental mind
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17

for full minute, and as watched him
could see that he was seriously debating
in his own mind whether or not he shouio
come down to my level of irrelevancy, or
take his revenge upon me by going off In
a surge of apoplexy. Fortunately he de-
cided upon the former course.
II have come to you to protest against
this everlasting stuff you fellows print
about the expensiveness of our summer
hotels. their lack Of real comfort, the al
legged unmusical quality of our bands. and
SO on. You published an interview last
week with SNUG minded old wind bag
named Gabster-Col. Gabster-in which
he cast the same old slurs on our craft,
and what want to know Is whether there
is any such person. what he is colonel Of.
and if after-all the whole thing wasn't
faxed up right here in this sanctum of
yours
"Ah, see." said I. "You want a re-
traction from somebody, Is that it?
Yes, and / don't care who it's from so
long as get it,, he observed angrily
THAT being the case, why don't you
make it yourself?" suggested. "Of
course. I shan't tell you anything about
Col Gabster except that he really is a
colonel. He was born in Kentucky How
could he be- anything else?"
He must be a brave chap hiding behind
your skirts growled my visitor
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17
"HE United States has a new critic.
He is a Chinaman-or at least he
IL saws he is Chinaman-and ha

"HE United States has new critic
He IS Chinaman-oT at least he
IL says he is a Chinaman-and he
takes great pleasure in puncturing
the bubbles our egotism has blown into
the air.
He was in this country-this China
man-for ten years. He studied at one
of our universities and he declares a re-
markable knowledge of social. political,
commercial and domestic affairs.
After reading the book containing his
criticism the average American will be
willing to admit that the author is I'M
usually observing, and quite an interest
ing Chinaman. And he will also be in
clined to doubt the statement found In
the preface of the book, that the con-
tents are taken from a series of letters
written home by our Chinese critic be-
tween the years of 1892 and 1902
The book is called LAS Chinaman Saw
U.s.. and is published by D. Appleton &
Co. Henry Pearson Grattan, an Ameri-
can missionary to China, Is the editor.
And the impression is strong that Henry
Pearson himself has observed a few
mannerisms and habits" in America.
either before or since he began saving
the heather Chinese" from their highly
cultivated selves.
Mr. Chinaman does not hesitate in be-
ginning his work of slaughter There is
In his Introductory CHAPTER he says:
The American as He Is
am going to ask you TO behold the
American as he is, as honestly found
him-great, small, good. bad, self-elori-
Gus. egotistical, intellectual, supercilious
ignorant, superstitious, vain and bombas
TIC. In truth, so very remarkable. Sc
contradictory, so incongruous have
round the American that hesitate Shall
give you satire; shall devote myseIt
TO eulogy; shall l tear what they cali the
whitewash' aside and expose them to the
winds OF eXcoriation, or shall devote nv.
self to an retrospective, ANALYTICAL di
Vertissement? But do not wish to edu
cate you on the Americans, but to en-
tertain. to make You laugh by the re
cltal OF comieal truths; so. without sys
tenn, L am going to tell you of thes,
americans as found them"
AND then he proceeds. 1.-The American
ne says. lis all perspective; he claims +,
nave all the virtues, and in his an
cestry embraces the entire world. A
uinner at the -- in Washington
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17

.E was a short stout, well-fed ap-
LIE pearing little man who looked as II
W he might have many genial mo-
,oey,ts if he were rubbed the right way
butsas he was ushered into my sanctum
nv nv Japanese aide de camp he was un
ouestionably as angry as the provereiai
halter was mad.
When he first began to talk he sput-
tered like a scornful lamp wick enter
ing its protest against an unexpected oe-
ficiency in the oil supply, and was not
quite sure at first that he was not some
kind of a new tangled human Roman can
die that might be expected to pomparo
me with red, green, yellow and blue oalis
at aIny moment. Hence as l begged him
to lie seated reached out for my UNI
brela as measure of protection.
AE the close of his harangue-like greet
g.A9hich required in the neighbofhood OF
ten Eminutes for it's delivery, 1 asked him
what I could do for him and to what
owed the honor of his visit.
"Thy," he roared. as he pumped him
self lbreathlessly down in my comfortable
armchair and gazing at me with eyes
that popped out of his head fulgently
as the yolk of a poached egg from its
snow white environment, why, I've just
told YOU
'.Oh. excuse me-" said l. ST didn't un-
derstand.s Were you really talking?"
'Talking' he cried. 'Of course I was
talking. What in Binghamton did you
think was doing?"
Il didn't really know" replied. st had
an1impression, however, that you had
a bit of fluff or hair of some kind in
your mouth and were trying to get it out
without using your fingers. Had I known
you, were talking 1 most certainly should
have followed you more closely. I am very
fond ofrthese missing word contests
Parker-Me Silence
He gazed at me in silence which Judge
Parker would have envied, so deep it was,
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17
Easy lesson in Politics

Good evening Mr.. Buttln.' said
Gladys. rising to greet the caller. mr.
Honey and 1 were just discussing politics
when you arrived. We have been arguing
about the difference between majority
and a plurality
well" said Mr.. Buttin, with a patron
izing glance at Mr.. Honey, ''it is easily
understood. A majority is preponder-
ance of favor between two parties, while
a plurality is an excess over ALL
"Ah. yes" sighed Miss Gladys. ut Is
just like the old saying that two Is COM
And the meaning look that passed be-
tween Gladys and Mr.. Honey convinced
Mr.. Buttin that he had been counted out.
Judge. j..5
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17
EDUCATED eHIMARNAM LEVELS SHARP SATIRE AT AMERICAN SOCIETY
SOCIETY

mendous activity they could not be de-
feated by, any nation or combination OF
nations. They are like Senator --'s
Malay game cock, of which the senator
has said there is only one trouble with him
the bird never knows when he is licked,
and IL he does he does not stay licked.
America could raise an army of 10000 600
or 12,0OO000 of the finest fighters in the
world for defense against any corlbina~
ton, and she would win"
He treats also of our menacing labor
unions, of our innumerable religious sectss
makes a reasonable plea for the China
man In America and against the exclusion
act, all in the interesting vein of tina
eXcerptS here quoted
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17

planned. ''This is divided into thirty six
numbered sections, and ON rainy days,
when there is nothing else to do, we put
the numbers up at public auction. The
money thus obtained Is put into pool.
Then we loosen the flies that have been
caught the day before. and when night
comes we count the bluebottles or others
that have alighted and been caught on
the sticky squares of the fly paper The
individual holding the number of the most
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17

comes anywhere near us that we don't
make use Of. We catch all the flies that
come within mile of the Blue Mountain
House and play games of chance with
them, which even the ministers-yes, by
lingo, even the cIergy-recommend."
You interest me hugely" said I. "How
do you play games of chance with flies %
tlFlyv Roulette
1--WE place huge piece of fly paper on
table in the main Office" my visitor ex-
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17


That's a sort of insect roulette, is it
not?" / asked
'-Well-yes-
"And how, then, do the clergy happen
to approve it?'' demanded.
Because when they win they can de-
vote the proceeds to charity" explained
my guest. Moreover, it Is square
game With patience you can teach a fly
most anything but he'll play straight al
ways. SO there's none of your bunco busi-
ness about it,
..Col. Gabster will be delighted to
hear about it, said I, enthusiastically,
"and no doubt will credit you with all
that is your due on that score. How
about the high tariff schedule for the
bathtub? Can you explain that?"
Certainly I can," said the visitor.
"The charge that Is brought on the bath
tub count is utterly unjust when you con-
slider the laws of supply and demand. My
: hotel accommodates 800 guests and we
have only ten tubs in the house. If we
don't put high price on the bathing
privilege everybody in the house would
want to use them between Z and in the
morning. and every morning. It's easy to
figure out what that would mean. Ten
tubs in use for 100 minutes each would
mean 1900 minutes of bathing every day
to be divided up among 800 people. or four
minutes apiece. What kind of riot do
you suppose I'd be mixed up in II tried
any such scheme as that
Problem OF Tubs
''You might extend the bathing hours
through the day." suggested, land let
each guest have an hour"
Every WELL" said he. Where does that
leave us? Ten tubs for 800 people
means thirty persons to the tub.
Working night and day throughout the
season, as long as our days are only
twenty -four hours long, you'd find your
self with six complaints per tub per diem
or sixty kickers a day, the equivalent OF
420 per week. In g. season of ten weeks
that's 1900 complaints on the bathtut
account alone No. sir; it can't be done
The only thing to do is to put such fig
ure on the bathing privilege that people
will have to be moderate or go broke.
1t was clear that was in the presence
of an expert hotel accountant. and as
against his figures 1 found myself power
less to advance any adequate arguments
IN favor Of the free and unlimited coinage
of bathtubs in summer hotels.
Now, there's another count that you
fellows are always urging in your indfct-
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17
Charges NOT Steep

Don't you think your charges are al
little steep?' I asked. You 81 iaya
fellows D
"oh. tut, with your 81 day talkrs
cried the visitor. What do you want ua1
to do? Pay for visiting us? In your busi-j
ness you've got year to make YOU'RE
profits in. We've got three months at3
most. In other words, where you havad
800 days of the year to earn your livin&1
we've got ninety. Why in thundeIi
shouldn't we charge 81 day? Severn
dollars a day for ninety days is less thariH
S1.75 per diem for the year. 4
And what do you get for it? 10x13I
room all to yourself, with mountains1
view from the front window, three mealsd
day and enough food at any one of 'ema
to run an orphan asylum week; all thes3
Ice water you choose to ring for; a banda
of four pieces. not including the pianoa
milk fresh from New York every Satur-
day; the best eggs Fulton Market affords a
a divinity student to do the head waiting5I
Harvard and Bowdoin undergraduates to
wait you at table, and a hop every
other week Two moonlight nights guar
anteed every month and a dozen nice girls
open to a limited number of summer enA
gagements that give you all the delights
and none of the responsibilities OF thei
real thing-and for a paltry $1.75 a day%1
Pah! You hotel mugwumps are WORSE
than the end seat ham with your propose
ferrous demonds''
And l could not do otherwise than agre9
with the poor chap. 1 had never reduced
the thing to figures as he had, and r
found this $1.75 a day proposition abso-i
lutely convincing, and l told him so. HeN
expressed much satisfaction as he rose to-
depart with my promise to lay his sida
of the question before the public.
Its very square of you" he said, as I
shook him by the hand. "and, by the
way" he added, Ito show my gratitudeS
If you ever come up to my place won'e
charge you cent for the air or the views
I'll refund all your tips to the help up to
$3.50; I'll give you the prettiest little room
up in the cupola all to yourself. and let
you use the bathtub free of charge when4
ever you wish to-
You are exceedingly good" I began.
For $3.50 a day instead of ST. he fin
ished, as he vanished through the door.
1t was a real delight to find in this self<
ish world one man at least who was not
ashamed to show his gratitude for favor5
received. and as soon as can borrow the
money am going up to spend couple Of
hours at his place.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1904-07-17

ment of us hotel men, continued my pro-
testing friend, s'and that is that we don't
pay wages to our bellboys, baggage
smashers and walters, so that you visitors
have to give them tips. Well, suppose we
look at the other side of that matter Sup
pose we don't pay EN- wages. We give
'em board and lodging, don't we?s
understand that you do said I
meekly.
well. our lowest rates for board and
lodging are $14 week, and there isn't a
bellboy in our whole place that doesn't
eat and sleep that value out of our plant
three times over In a month of four
weeks that amounts to $50, which. 1 think.
Is pretty good pay, and all that time that
chap Is waiting on you, not on me. He
wears out my stair carpets carrying my
pitchers of ice water up to your room for
You to drink. I'm the fellow that pays
Tor all that. and I'm glad to do it. but
don't see where your complaint comes in
because l don't provide him with col.
iege education on the side What's more,
none of you ever look into the real vaIue
of that service
L had bellboy In my place once who
spent eight hours day fronting around
1or the guests. and now he's lawyer
up In Boston who charges $50 an hour just
for talking to you. There I had s40a
a day man to look after my guests, -comL
fort. but nobody gives me any credit for
that-only complaints because some of
You had to give him a quarter occasionally
in order to catch his eye. l tell you, we'ra
much abused Glass;
The colored American., 1904-03-05
SOME NEWSPAPER FIENDS.

One Of the greatest pests that annoy
and embarass the coIored editor. is
the sample copy fiend." He lives
everywhere and he belongs to no par
ticular class. He has no visible means
Of support but usually has a strong
voice and a good pair of lungs. He
is not confined to any particular sex,
for his ranks are recruited from all
classes. Not single newspaper but
receives daily and weekly requests for
sample copies from this army of brig
ands. His purpose is usually covered
by the soft and hopeful plea that he
wants to become a subscriber. If you
keep tab On him you will find that you
will hear from him from three to four
times a year, and sometimes oftener.
He is nuisance, but like the mosquito,
there is no way of exterminating him.
The colored American., 1904-03-05
MANHOOD" IN WASHINGTON.

The Afro-Americans in the District
of Columbia deserve a great deal, of
credit for the disinterestedness which
they are constantly manifesting
through their various literary and
other organizations, in the welfare of
their breathren throughout the
country, and in mankind generally.
There are two things, however, to
which we wish to call the attention of
Washington Afro-Americans. One is
that in spending so much of their
thought, energy and time in bewaiIing
the condition Of their people, we much
fes1 that they neglect their own inter
ests and comfort; for example, the
Civil Rights bill is just as much in
force in the District of Columbia as it
was the day after it's enactment in the
Congress. No set of people are more
loud in stating that the untoward con-
dition of the race to-day is largely the
result of the action Of the Supreme
Court in declaring this Civil Rights
the District of Columbia Notwith-
standing the fact that the Washing
tonians have the full benefit of all the
provisions of the Civil Rights bill, it is
a noteworthy fact that, with one or
two exceptions, an Afro-American can
not go into a decent restaurant or hotel
or boarding house which is kept by
the members of the white race without
being insulted or driven out 1t is
an. equally noteworthy fact that an
Afro-American cannot go into a decent
theatre in the District Of Columbia and
be accommodated without being rush
ed into a peanut gallery or having his
ticket refused or otherwise being in
suited. Would it not pay the Afro
The colored American., 1904-03-05

Americans of Washington to cease for
"a few weeks from giving so much
attention to outside matters and indi-
vidual abuse of race leaders and take
up seriously these matters which are
right about their doors and see if they
cannot set an example for the rest. of
the Afro-Americans in righting their
own condition?
Seriously, if the Washington friends
would talk less and do more to benefit
the race their words would have more
influence with the rest of mankind
Cannot the Bethel Literary Assoeia-
tion devote an evening. for example,
to devising practical means by which
the AfTO-Americans of Washington will
see that the Civil Rights bill is en-
forced in theatres, hotels and restau-
rants? In doing this we also hope
that they will not forget that a Jim
Crow street car actually runs into the
District of Columbia from Virginia
Will L. NJ. Hershaw, John P. Green,
John w. Cromwell, and other race
leaders of the district, lead off n this
move? The race will watch
1t is easy to condemn people in the
South, who are doing the best they can
for the elevation of the race, but here
is an opportunity to act right at home
with the full protection of the law.
If these Washington people really
want to exhibit, in a practical way,
the manhood" about which they talk
so eloquently, here is a chance for
them to do SO. Let one of them go into
a restaurant, hotel or theatre and be
put out, or be incarcerated. and thus
exhibit his courage in standing up for
what he terms the manhood" rights
of the race. Talking about manhood
and exhibiting it in a practical man
ner are two different things.-New
York Age.
The colored American., 1904-03-05
THE MEDLER.

Our boiIer-pIate contemporary. The
Guardian, reminds US very much of
the peripatetic campaign sheets that
spring up just before election times.
Their ready print is usually sup
piled by newspaper unions conducted
in the interest of the democratic par
ty, while the home print is made up
in the Office as it were. On the front
pages Of these sheets are usually large
headlines with long articles commend
ing the policies and principles Of the
democratic party, while the home
print" in its weak way, struggles to
defend the principles of the party Of
Lincoln A careful scrutiny Of the
columns Of the Guardian will show
that the "boiler-pIate'' matter has a
trif1e the better of the "home print"
Brother TrOtter seems too busy med
ding after other peoples affairs to
watch his make up.
The storm center of humor is To-
Gated somewhere in Chicago, and the
generator is one Rev. CD Wilkins,
better known as "Whiskers." Viii
kins is really so dumb that he is fun
ny at times, and while he may be a
judge of 'soda water" he certainly
has no intelligent idea Of the ethics
Of journalism. Under the caption OF
Amenities of the Press d" The CoIored
American quoted from an editorial in
the St Joseph Spectator. 1t quoted
also an editorial rom the Omaha En-
terprise, commenting on the Specta-
tors article. Brother Wilkins swaI-
lowed the whole thing and comes out
in the defense of the Spectator.
Instead of being at war with the
Spectator, The Colored American is
On the most friendly terms with it,
and regards it as one Of the sprightIi-
est newspapers published in its sec
ton of the country. We advised the
Spectator at one time to quit knock
ing" and the Spectator could Just as
consistently give US the same advice.
Brother Wilkins you are too funny.
The colored American., 1904-03-05

The colored people of Washington
are beginning to realize the great op-
portunities they have permitted to
escape them in neglecting to engage
In business. A very strong mercantile
Company has recently been organized
for the purpose of engaging in business
and of controlling some of the thous-
ands of dollars being spent each year
IN this city among white merchants.
Think of it! Fifty thousand dollars
are being spent by the coIored people
in the District every day Of the year
for the necessities and Iuxuries Of life
and yet not white merchant will give
employment to a coIored person to a
higher position than that of a menial