The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1904-11-26

| ue UOy W1Il TIE cOW-l1ck on his
brow
Where have they gone, alack?
Oh, life made their hair to stand on
end,
Risen, indeed, each lock:
She has a wonderful pompadour;
He has football shock.
Don't talk to me about the recipes
i'll that magazine" said Mrs. Lane,
with great energy. wasn't that the
very magazine that advised me to- put
on that sody solution and leave the
tablecloth out over night to take off
those yellow stains:"
I'm inclined to think it may have
been," said Mrs. Lanes sister, with
due meekncss. Il sent YOU a number
of them in the spring, l remember"
well, and what happened?" asked
Mrs. Lane. with rising wrath.
Didn't the stains disappear?" asked
her sister.
"Disappearw said Mrs. Lane, in
whitening tone. 1T was the table
cloth that disappeared. 1 don't know
anything about the stains"
Modest Charity.-They We're dis
cuSsing charity in the drawing room.
and one of the gentlemen was inveigh-
ing With some sarcasm against benevo-
lent folk who make donations and
have their names published in the
papers.
Nearly all charitable acts" he said,
eloquently, have pride or vanity as
their motive. For my part 1 hate os-
tentation. l remember once, when l
was travelling through part Of the
country where l was not known, l
came upon a lonely little station, where
in the waiting room there was fasten-
ed to the wall contribution box for
the benefit of the sufferers through re-
cent foundations.
There was not soul there-not a
person in the neighborhood knew of
my presence or was acquainted with
my name-and went and dropped Il
gold piece into the box and slipped
away unseen. Now, sir, what l con-
tend is that my secret offering was
more meritorious one than if it had
been made on a public subscription
list, with loud flourish Of trumpets."
You are right" said a listener.
'That was genuine modest charity,
and don't wonder you brag Of il"
An officer in the army laughed at a
timid woman because she was alarmed
at the noise Of q cannon when salute
was fired. He subsequently married
that timid woman, and six months at
forwards he took off his boots in the
hall when he came in late at night.
Same Here.-"While over there" an
nounced the returned tourist, Il saw
them digging up some of the oldest
cities in the world" "That's nothing"
replied the Detroiter, throwing out his
chest, 1--WE dig our city up every year."
The circus: elephant was plodding
along the pavement when he heard the
horn OF an automobile.
Gee, what fool language" he
said Il can't understand word Of
it."
And he trumpeted few himself.
English in Ireland.-An English
| tourist was being driven on jaunting
car through the Donegal highlands,
and after a time the results Of his Oh
| servation came to the surface i'll the
| following query "Driver. l noticed
| mat when you speak to your friends
! whom you meet on the road you invar-
laUly 10 SO i'll Irish, but when you adj
uress your horse you do so in English
llow is thiS!'' 10 which came the re.
tort: "Musha now thin. Isn't English
good enough for him!"
| Il feel as if l had wheels in my
head!" groaned the man.
1T must be the truck you ate fol
dinner" rejoined his wife, innocently
enough.
Unsolicited Advice.-"I am torn by
conflicting emotions" sighed the sen
timental heroine.
We'll, there's a good surgeon in thu
next fiat" coldly replied the cruel vii
lain. why don't you have him sew
you up?'
John Barleycorn, John Barleycorn,
The day that first we met
had bank account, John,
l would had it yet,
Your warmth was so engaging,