davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1904-12-04

lecturer; that IL was rank fake and
the fellow ouP.-- 20 be rocked out OF
town. Marshall was requested 10 go IN
the paTlOr and examine a few heads.
This he consented TO do, and a number
Of ladies and gentlemen we're enter
tanned by the brilliant man as he called
on the different bumps and ground out
yard after yard OF good and bad quail
ties OF the head owners. He knew most
OF the crowd and made vast amount
Of fun.
It happened that among those present
a Louisville fop. Of scarce amount of
brains. distinguished for his forward
ness and egOtism. was left out by Mar
shall. To this the flop objected. telling
him that his head had not been ex-
amined.
Il beg your pardon, sir" said Mar
shall, but you must really excuse me.
am too drunk to read small print by
candle light"
The Washington times., 1904-12-04
A Memorial Ode.

Mrs Sarah Maiinda Bates was a good
woman of COnstantihem. Mich. and az
her death, says a Representative from
that State, one OF her sons had printed
the following touching lines:
"Our sweet mother has passed away;
Her spirit has took its flight,
Dissolved from this tenement OF clay
And gone TO that world OF light
In memory ] still can trace
The scenes of childhood days;
On the rivers bank was the place
/ first enjoyed those plays.
Mother lived 60 see the last
OF the old year llSl seyenty-f0ur,
And five days of the new just passed
When God said. BE here no more.
"Rev. ID. H. Edwards gave the sermon
From Revelations. IA chapter, 18TH
verse
Brother Francois was the foreman.
Furnished case ana drove the heaTse."
The Washington times., 1904-12-04
Cooked the wag.

Senator Berry Of Arkansas IS respon-
sibie for this story:
A fellow living ia one OF the small
towns Of Arkansas was recognized as a
wag. and he seemed 10 take special de-
light in feathering on ministers. One
day the fellow was sitting in his bug
gy, 10 which was hooked a mule. wnen
the village minister came up and sug-
gested that he be loaned the team TO
take his wife out for an airing.
Il didn't think, parsOn, your wife
would ride behind a jackass: but if she
can ride beside one, why. she can have
the team" was the answer.
You misunderstood me" said the
minister MY dear brother. 1 do not
wish you TO so, for / intend TO drive
myself"
The wag was cooked for once. and let
the parson alone after that.
The Washington times., 1904-12-04
Wanted the Servant.

The problem Of securing capable ser
wants is giving our people no little con-
cern," comments Representative Kehoe
OF Kentucky, and the family fortunate
enough TO have one OF the old-time ser
wants is fortunate indeed. 1 was i'm
mensely amused = short time ago 10
read in one OF our papers an adyer-
tisement which stated. Ny wife wants
and needs a good servant The very
highest wages viii be paid. Having had
great difficulty IN procuring good helm
on account OF the misfortune OF having
seven small children. I viii agree to
poison. drown. or otherwise make way
with five OF them on application OF a
hrst-class servant who will agree 10 stey
twelve months.
The Washington times., 1904-12-04
Where His PietY Failed.

Senator Carmack Of Tennessee relates
this good story;
There was a pious old deacon i'm my
State who accepted with sublime resig-
nation whatever Ills the Lord saw III 10
intict upon him. lie never murmured.
One day a tornado came along and APP
rooted his fruit trees and blew down
everything in it's path. The old man
took it ali with quiet submission and
fOTtltude
After a while he ran out 70 his barn
and tried TO save lis contents from the
fury of the winds but as he reached the
door a shutter swung violently around.
struck him and knocked him about a
dozen feet This was just 4 little more
The Washington times., 1904-12-04

promises made. he viii be held on the
rack. He can't go back on these speech
es for the records have been preserved.
This is the first time that the phonO-
graph has ever been used for campaign
purposes, and I believe that their intro
duction will do away 10 a very large
extent with the professional campaign
spellbinders. They cost less, and in
many instances are more reliable. An
other thing, too. they can't send IN a
long expense account"
The Washington times., 1904-12-04
Passed in Poetry.

IL is Up To- a Representative from on,
OF the Southern States TO explain how
il was that General Passenger Agent
Hardwick Of the Southern Railway is
sued him a pass like this.
1.-THE conductor will pass
This bundle OF gas
From now till the middle OF Lent
Like the average deadhead,
Without paying a red.
lie may ride 20 his hearts content D.
The Washington times., 1904-12-04

hogs was involved It was a case Of
replevin, and the laundering young law
yer addressed the jury I'm this way:
There We're just twenty-fOur hogs
In that drove, gentlemen Of the jury
Just twenty-fOur, gentlemen-exactly
twice as many as there are in that
jury box"
The case was decided against the
young lawyers client.
The Washington times., 1904-12-04

English countesses who write IS Lady
Jersey. Most OF her literary work has
been in the way OF Juvenile literature.
Her Hymns For Very Little Children"
two series OF them-were published be-
The Washington times., 1904-12-04
Jury Box Hogs.

Representative Gooca of Kentucky
says that several years ago "a young
lawyer was admitted t6s the bar in his
State. and one uf his first cases was
The Washington times., 1904-12-04

fore her marriage. since when she has
written Sleeping Beauty: A Play for
Children Maurice. or the Red Jar
and quite a lot of other works Cor little
folk, most OF which have been quite sue
cessful
The Washington times., 1904-12-04

than the good man could stand. and
Strengthening himself up he remarked:
guess it is time for me 10 express
my sentiments
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
He Was Not Angry.

\ lady went into a church one Sun
day. and. being a stranger, she waited
TO be shown to a seat. An obliging
Churchwardcn led her to a seat below
the gallery, the only other occupant
Of which at the moment was a kind
looking old gentleman with white hair
who rose to let her pass. IT was some
what dark, and the lady, as she shook
her skirts and settled down, had Il
horrible suspicion that she was sitting
upon something besides the cushion.
She put down her hand and drew out
the melancholy ruin of silk hat.
oh" she said TO the old gentleman,
Il beg your pardon. | am so sorry"
The old gentleman looked benevolently
at the wreck and replied that il was
unfortunate, but that II could not be
helped ooh, it's so good of you to
say SO" said the lady, much distressed,
but | am really so veXed" The gen
tlcman Strengthened out the fabric and
put il under the seat, but the delin-
qucnt insisted on covering herself with
humiliation. II am afraid you are 80
angry" she murmured apOlosetically.
Not the least" said the benevolent
old gentleman coolly. You see. it's
not my haiti belongs to the gentle
man who showed you inr
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
ImhrRIIn I.nnUunD

There Is Il language of umbrellas as
Of flowers. Place your umbrella in a
rack, and this will indicate that 1t will
change owners An umbrella carried
over a woman, the man getting nothing
but the drippings of the rain, signifies
cOurtship. When the man has the um-
brella and the woman the drippings 1t
indicates marriage To swing your UNI
brella over your head signifies Il am
making a nuisance of myself" To car
ry # at right angles under your arm
signifies that an eye Is to be lost by
the man who follows you. Opening an
umbrella quickly it is said. will fright
en- a mad bull. TO put cotton UNI
brella by the side Of silk one signi-
fies, Exchange is no robbery" To
purchase an umbrella means, Il am
not smart, but honest" To lend an
umbrella indicates. Il am a fool" To
return an umbrella means ns-well, never
mind what II means; nobody ever does
that. To carry an umbrella Just high
enough to tear out mems eyes and
knock off mems hats signifies, Il am
Il woman" To press an umbrella on
your friend, saying, "Oh, do take it;
had much rather you would than not"
signifies lying. TO carry it from home
In the morning means, The rain Will
clear off,
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
Thrown OF the scent.

As the immaculate young woman
and the tired but happy looking young
man entered the Pullman. followed by
a grinning porter, the other passengers
became wise" in moment. The
stout drummer leaned over to the man
behind him and remarked:
Bride and groom hundred to one"
Every one turned TO view the new
comers, who had deposited themselves
vis-a-vis In No. 4 As if unconscious
Of any scrutiny, the young man said in
a high nasal voice:
"Well, do as you like about it-either
increase the margin or let ii go, You
didn't follow my advice in the first
place, but II you want TO pull out
you'd better take It now"
"Oh, ! know" the woman replied.
What's the use of going all over it
AGAIN.
Huh" said the stout mans com
paniOn. Guess you lose. Been play
ing the market Not much bride and
groom talk about that"
The rest Of the passengers shifted
and then turned their backs on the
new couple, whereat the young man
smiled at the young woman. ard they
softly Joined hands rs he whlspered:
"MilliCent dear. my shoes are full
Of rice - New York Press
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
The European Plan.

Mr. BoggS passed the evening paper
over to his wife, indicating with a toll
worn thumb a certain paragraph.
Read that" he said, "and see what
you think of Nathan Eldridge, that
claimed to be so smart and was SO
keen after dollars. See how he's gone
all 10 smash, and his hotel with him.
Pretty doings for a Bushby boy. But
I knew 'twould come, | knew 'twOuld
come
How did you know it?" demanded
Mrs. Boggs, to whom her husbands
claims for unusual wisdom and fore
sight were sometimes a trifie irritat-
ing Folks have all said the hotel
was full, and Nathan seemed wonder
fully prospered."
$50 he did, and so it was" admitted
Mr.. BogCs, but no man can do as he
did and be prospered long. Why, l
heard tell from those that know that
when Amelia Rand went there to pass
n week. and twas such bad weather,
shifty, clearing and then smoothing up
again. squalling and splitting the whole
enduring time, and poor Miss Amelia
inquired now and then how the wind
set
Mrs Boggs shifted.
Inquired now and then how the
wind set" repeated Mr.. Boggs firmly,
what did she find tucked on to the
end of her bill but an item, For use of
weather yanC. ST."
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
his race gloouing

his race gloOmiug.
Il thought at first it might be fate
ana that she was going to be kind" he
said. but / recognize the skeln of red
wool and of course the minister must
have his slippers for Christmas
Aminta's forehead took on a mysti
fed frown Il know nothing about
any minister's slippers, and | should
scarcely think of knitting them out Of
crimson worstcd if did. Poor brother
Tom suffers from rheumatism and
wants some knitted wrIstlets'
Then maybe 1t was fate after all
The doctor stepped joyoualy forward.
Miss Aminta turned primly aside.
Since YOU think the role of clergy
mans wife l.,5 only fitting one
".;ut = IT." cried the doctor.
T.. sus.aIg's been lying like Ananius.
think"
TIE ai.an ,r light from the door
.-Glru.y "uaneI ana hilarious
young urh r-,-el out, shouting law
lcssly
"C0ody. -,ody," shrIeked Minta May,
'1ult Mia threw ball of yarn, and
Ir. Loyy.GI has found it
Il ditaL' protested Miss Minta,
looking inclined to fly for her life.
There U.s a great spider on the ball,
".. - tA- to shake it away and
ll-- it .u;o Go yard l accidentally
tossed the yarn too"
1t was providential," said the doc
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
HIS FIRST CHECK.
The Why the Piece of Paper worried
Thomas :. Edison.

The Why the iie"" "f Paper Worried
~, ''',''''s l. i1uiS"n'
!, ii'o'''''S ~, L"l'o" once loId friend
'L' story oil ms irai acquaintance with
any bIS SUM Of money. 1t was when
ne was struggling with his earlier in
FehtiohS, and hc had about as clear
an Idea OF the value of a bank check
as IiIe man III me moon. He had final
y Soid ms patent on the gold and stock
illuIcal"F 70 lhe western Union Iele-
sr"ph company ana had called at its
once 10 crosse iho zeal. After lew
y ''iIilIi'"Il'S ne was gwen Il checN lor
Sio'''o' ne ol '' IL ouIIo"slS ana ap-
l''tu I" b' pUZHI'd Nh'l 10 90 Win
It. 'oS'I ''ls MS perpl'AIlS' HehefaI
I-eli'' ~ ,u'h I'''S'"enl ol llic W '9terh
CHloh' 'o'u MN ''"' IL ne N"u'u 10 10
,''' i'',i,N oI A'L''i'y'' III W 'llI street.
~, ,o''," ~ ''', o''Si. ~. .lI9 'i'ecN'
80. w. 9''''' i-''i9o"' 'i'eL
carer ui'l I"L"III- up 'ie CHECK ANA
went 'oN"Iu wan street 30 uIlcer-
l''iiI W - III i'I''I" 10 'il"L way ol
,'o''.7 'us,..',5 .ll''c - ,l'ouI"' MiIliG
laa -, 49, ,,I ,e,,. ,,''' 49,, -;
9'',, c,'"n, I'm,
Fi''I1 ".''' '"i ,I''' P''I' VI P'Pcl
"oul" Ei' INN '''' 'NeSN very QUICK
~
"" MS "LLi','l 1T ,ile p''lA ol Amer
lI,' l.- I' n',i .Ie'l.','illS Srr1l et ms
80 ..t,.,, 1u' - NV o''I''''' ne i,''el
81 .''il'l,''' - o'o'e''' So i'i.I d
0i"G an" 9"iI' ooiii' iiiis
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
A TEST OF FLOUR.
IL Is Quite an Important Event In
the Big Mills.


The letters XXXX which decorate
our -four bags are a source of mystery
to the average housewife, but get there
very naturally. In the largest flour
mills several tests are given all flour
sent out, but the final test IS the bak-
ing trial. In kitchen attached to the
-four mills, which is resplendent with
shining pans, electric ovens and white
cooling boards, there are loavcs Of
bread made daily from the different
samples of -four which have Just been
ground. Cooks are kept the year
round for this purpose, for as many
as sixty loavcs are made daily by one
mill alone.
Exactly at O'Clock In the afternoon,
after the bread is done, the head mill
ers file into the kitchen and cut and in
spect the different loaves. No man
knows which flour has come from his
mill, 50 the test is an impartial one. \
vote is taken on the best loaf, and the
flour from which that was made is
marked with the mysterious KS. SO
great has this business of testing flour
become that one great mill has testing
rooms to which samples of grain are
sent from all over the United States
and Canada. These samples are made
into bread after going through a minia-
turc flour mill. After the bread has
been made the package of grain is sent
back to the miller who shipped it with
full directions how to mark his flour,
whether best or second best.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
A Ball Of
Red Wool

BY HARRIET WHITNEY
Copyright, 1908. by r c.Mccluro

Miss Appleton WAS sweeping the rus
tling yellow leaves from her trim walk
when Or. Lorclaud came driving along
the dusty white road 10 the village.
The October sunshine had molIoWcd
the morning chill and WAS ma>ln- free
with Miss Applcton's brown hair. caus-
ing it to send out red ANA gold CLEANS
that no one would suspect IarIlod IN its
dusky strands.
The doctor drew up at the w.Iu.
ANY errands in town to#aE. Miss
Mintaf' he called out chc.rIs. I'm
out of patients pun Unpr '.tHtodJ
and running crrands for Ja. ..lns'
Aminta leaned her smooth fair chin
upon the top of the broom handle con-
templatively.
Il don't think l need any Iin- Oh,
well, yes; you might get o., ~lciu o..
crimson zephyr wool if yuu w z"
Sure" returned the doctor heartily.
I've picked up some little job at every
house I've passed There's one more,
Mrs. Lynd's. Guess shell have enough
commissions To keep me hustling the
balance of the day
The doctor chucklcd in his boyish
way, then fell tp wondering as he
slowed away Miss Aminta's silver dol
lar why she had refused 10 join i'm his
mcrrimcnt and had turned SO abruptly
about To resume Lcr sweeping Il was
a little unusual for the ladies to bc un-
responsive WHOM Dc offered 10 shop for
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26

swCred.
Don't you keep II up about Joe.
Hen never find no oil wells, or, if he
does, il VIII be after you are married
and living in palace and having forty
servants to wait on you. Me and your
mother have set out to get you a feller
worth 100000 and when you are
receiving the president OF the United
States i'm your own castle you'll be
er."
few days later BESSIE set out to
spend the afternoon with a neighbor.
She had not been gone above an hour
when young Bccchman returned from
his journey. He carried II tin box un-
der his arm, the key thereof in his
pocket ana eXultation in his heart.
Soon after his arrival the two men
went to the barn TO count over their
ten to one" The box was unwrapped,
the key inserted and the packages tax
en- out to be counted. Then there came
an interval, during which time the
wire fence man and the farmer looked
into each others pale face and spoke
no word. The money" was green in
color, but that was all. Young Beech
man had been done up as thousands
before had been done and had brought
back only blanks.
They were still looking at each other
and licking their dry lips when Joe and
Bessie drove up to the gate. AS she
entered the house Joe hitChed the
horse and came out to the barn
Il just wanted to say" he quietly
observed that four days ago l found
oil along the creek and that this after
noon Bessie and l went to Justice Jor-
dan and got married"
In reply Farmer Hurlburt got up and
took young Beechman by the collar
and slammed him up against the fan
ming mill and then jammed him up
against the granary door and then wal
loped him all over the floor and ended
by throwing him outdoors and sending
a kick after him. Then he turned to
the newly made husband and held out
his hand and said:
Joe Green, there's only one fool in
the Hurlburt family, and that's me.
Let's 90 in and have some cider and
kiss the bride"
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
st. Pntrick's PurgatOry.

Medieval songs and legends, which
are rich in all sorts Of mythical and
fantastical lore, locate the entrance to
St Putricks famous 'purgatory' on
the island of Lough Derg, Ireland. The
opening itself was through cave, the
existence Of which was revealed to the
saint by Christ, who informed the good
Patrick that any one with the moral
courage 10 20 down into the cavern
would be saved the paugS Of the real
'purgatory" after death. Patrick built
monastery at the entrance of his
earthly "purgatory' and secured the
way to the pit by an iron gate provid-
ed with strong chains and locks of
peculiar and intricate workmanship.
Lough Dcrg, next to Jerusalem, was
the most celebrated spot on earth dur
ing the middle ages. Thousands visited
''purgatory" every year, and the whole
island had tbe -~s<crance Of a popu-
lous city.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26

Two cots stood side by side in the
Emergency hospital On one was the
form Of a man, Il great big, strong
looking fellow. on the other was the
figure Of a boy, little fellow not more
than ten years Of age. The head Of
each was swathed I'm bandages, and
while the man bore his suffering in ST
lence the boy cried and moaned and
sObbed
WHATS the matter, sonny?" asked
the man as the boy cried aloud.
81 fcll off a roof" was the answer
the lad returned between his sobs.
"Hurrah for you returned the man.
Il fell down ships hatch. Let's
shake"
An hour later the nurse came into
the ward and walked over to the cots.
Both the patients We're sound asleep
and in the hairy fist Of the sailor rest
ed the tiny hand Of his little compan-
Ion In misery San Francisco Call.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
WHEN JOE
STRUCK OIL
BY MARIAN HARCOURT

Copyright, 1903. by 7. c. Mcclure

1t had been understood for a year or
more that Joe Green, son of Farmer
Green, was to marry Bessie Hurlburt,
daughter Of an adjoining farmer. There
was not a cloud on the horizon until a
young man named Harry Beechman
came into the neighborhood to sell and
TO show the farmers how to set up wire
fencing. He secured board at Hurl-
burt's and at once became struck
on Bessie. His admiration naturally
pleased her, and when people began TO
hint that it was case of love a new
idea came into her fathers head. lie
knew Joe to be an honest, hardwOrk-
ing young man, and the question Of
money had never come up. II he mar
ried Bessie he would take her to his
own house and provide for her as we'll
as n farmer would be expected to, 1t
was only after the wire fence man
came and exhibited his roll" and talk
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
JAPANESE PROVERBS.

There is no miracle in true doctrine
Human life is like the dew of the
morning.
The fallen blossom never returns to
the branch.
There is no shore to the bitter sea Of
Birth and Death
Never let 90 the reins of the wild
colt Of the heart
one confession effaces the sins Of
even three years.
only by reason of having died does
one enter into life.
With one hair Of a woman you can
tether even a great elephant
Even the touching of sleeves in pass
ing is caused by some relation in a for
mer life.-Lafcadio Hearns In Ghost
ly Japan"
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
Jack daNy md Nagpie.

In England the daw Is hardly ever
mentioned but as Jack, yea daw and
not jackdaw is the proper nau,e Of the
species. 1t is suggested that the pie
owes the mag" to some corruption Of
Margaret or Meg. 70 mag IS to chat
ter. but whether the verb was derived
from the name or the name from the
verb IS a question 1t is more than
probable that the Jim Crow Of Ameri-
ca the old name for negro boy was
brought across from England in the
day when a crow was Jim as a swal-
low was Dick.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26

1t is not in this country alone that
the notion of equality prevails. The
London Figaro reports the following
instance:
As a magnificent steamer the prop
erty of the Peninsuiar and Oriental
company, was steaming into Southamp-
ton harbor grimy coal lighter fioated
Immediately in front of it. An officer
on board the steamer, seeing this,
shouted:
Clear out of the way with that
barge"
The lighter man, a native Of the
Emerald Isle, shouted in reply, Are
ye the captain Of that vcsSelE"
"NO," answered the officer.
"Thcn spake to yer equals" said the
lighter man. I'm the captain Of this"
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26
How to Give Castor OIL.

Pour little hot milk into a wine
glass then pour the oil into the center
of the milk and carefully pour little
more milk on top. If the whole is
drunk without stopping, the oil will not
be tasted at all.
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26

Weekdays. G Daily. Flag station.
Pullman ParlOr and Sleeping Cars run on
through trains between SG2bury, WilliamspOrt
and Erie. between Sunbury snt Philadelphia
and Washington and between Harrisburg, Pitts
burg and the West.
For further information apply to Ticket Agents
W. W ATTERBURY, JR WOOD
Genl Manager. Pass Traffic Mgr.
GEO. W. BOYD. Gen'l Passenger Agent
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26

. . . . . .
. . . . . =
q . . . e o
Montour American. (Danville, Pa.) 1866-1920, 1904-05-26

"Daily, fDaily except Sunday.
fStOps on signal or on notice to conductor
Stops on signal to take on passengers ioi
New York, BinghamtOn and points west.
T. f. CLARKE +. W. LEE
Gen. Superintendent. Gen. a.
Spirit of the age. [volume] (Woodstock, Vt.) 1845-1913, 1904-02-27
How Mackay WonTE

Mackay was an early riser. hard
worker, and. although exceedingly hos
pitabie, was himself abstemious and
could seldom be induced to play cards
for money, and then only for nominal
stakes. The only game that seemed
to attract him was the "grasshopper
races" with which the mining super
intendents ON the Comstock beguiled
a norton nf tho MON hour while wait.
ing for luncheon at the Savage Com
pany hosting house. Boys caught
grasshoppers and sold them to the
players at Is to so cents each. Each
player paid fixed stake, ranging from
81 to 500, into the pool, and the man
whose hopper made the longest jump
captured the pool. On the day before
Christmas it was agreed to celebrate
that holiday with pool, the stakes
in which were to be 800 for each
player. The terms were play or pay"
and at the instance Of German pro-
fessor who was allowed to use any
means that he might devise to stimu-
late his grasshopper. The professor