The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1904-07-03
A CURE FOR RHEUMATISM.

From the Memphis Commercial APP
peal.
To the Commercial Appeal: If you
can stop long enough Mr. Editor, in
your political dissertations, denuneia-
tions of the robber tariff and Demo-
cratic platform building to answer a
question, l would like to ask one. l
have been suffering from rheumatism
for some time in company with several
other millions of my fellow citizens. We
are not much interested in free silver.
We don't care a hang about imperialism.
To us the tariff is a bore, and the trusts
are not biting us much. What l would
like to know is this: Can you put me
on to some treatment that will cure
the rheumatism? Invalid.
We can. The remedy is not the es-
scnce of simplicity, but if followed con-
scientiously it is sure to cure.
When you get up in the morning take
a plain bath, and exercise yourself with
dumb bells or Indian clubs.
Put on your indicated underwear
and your disinfected clothing and you
are ready for breakfast.
You can not be too careful about
what you eat for breakfast. You may
try some unfired bread with peanut
butter, some protose and bromangelon,
a macerated wheat triscuit, and some
wheat flake celery food washed down
with a cuo of banana coffee.
After breakfast, reclne for a quarter
of an hour on muscle bed, and culti-
Vate relaxation.
Spend hale an hour in your breath
ing exercises, to cultivate lung strength,
as you may want to join the Populist
party some day.
You are now ready to put on the
gloves with the thermo-ozone generator
and have heart-to-heart talk with the
typo-culturist.
This concluded, you exercise with
your cartilage expander for ten minutes
and then take an electric light bath
with the correct Swedish movements.
Your dinner should of course be Sc
lected with extreme care. The alimen-
tary canal presents a number of diff
cult engineering problems, and the
completion of the Culebra Cut and the
Bohia Dam can not be accomplished in
a day. A Unitarian diet is preferable,
and all the entrees should be predi-
gested, formaldehyded and chemically
analysed.
Drink nothing but mercerized wa
ter and make it a point to dust the
germs off the peroxide corn flakes be-
fore eating them.
Chew each particle of food 41,144
times anu COullL StNtll anu EiCNGH
while you are drinking.
Never eat any food that contains
trace of uric acid.
But. if you prefer, eat food that is
saturated with uric acid so that it
will neutralize the uric acid in the
blood.
After dinner. place an onion poultice
over your digestive apparatus to extract
and evaporate the uric acid.
Spend an hour in the afternoon using
the massage vibrator and the vita bath
brush.
Then put the electric soles in your
shoes and the electric belt around your
waist, walk over to Little Rock and
call on Gov. Jeff Davis of Arkansas.
On your return home, take a mental
massage and eat a Christian Science
supper.
In the evening try psycho-theapy
and then play on the chiropractic for
an hour or so to relieve the pinched
nerves.
Try this for six months, and if at
the end Of that time, you are no worse
you are better.
If this treatment is not productive
of results, call in the alopath, the
homeopath. the osteopath and the hy-
dro-serapath, the footpath, the faith
curist. the Christian Scientist and the
Indian medicine man and do nothing
and take nothing until they fight It
out.
If everything else fails you go out
and kill a doctor and get yourself
hanged