davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
WHY HIS MARRIAGE FAILED

lie regarded children MS Il nuisance
He did all his counting before mar
riage.
He doled out money to his wife rs If
TO II beggar.
He never had time to so anywhere
with his wife.
lie never dreamed that there were
two sides TO marriage.
He never dreamed that wife needs
praise or compliments.
He thought his wife should spend all
her time doing housework
He treated his wife as he would not
have dared to treat another woman
He never dreamed that his wife
needed vacation. recreation or
change.
He never made concessions to his
wife's Judgment. even In unimportant
matters
He thought the marriage vow had
made him his wife's master instead of
her partner
He took all the little attentions Law
ished OH him by his wife as his by "di-
vine right" and not Ms favors Sue
cess.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
ODD BATTLE PLACES.
Men Have Made War on Ice and Tn.
der the Enrth's Surface.


der the Enrth's Surface.
Battles have been fought In many Gu
rious places, ranging from mountain
peaks TO sewers. from ice fields to des-
ort sands.
At the battle of Monterey in the
Mexican war. the Americans were able
10 command the streets of the city with
their artillery, but they had difficulty
In dislodglng the Mexieans from the
houses; SO, the city being built of stone
or adobe iii solid blocks of houses. the
Yankees broke through the walls from
enc house to another, fighting aud drlv.
Ing out the enemy. So that the battle
of Monterey WAS largely fought in
doors.
In one of the battles of the wars of
William the Silent for the independence
OF the Netherlands the Spanish ships
were frozen In ON the Xuydcr Zee. The
Dutch came out on horseback over the
ice and attacked them. This Is probu-
bly, the only battle In which cavalry
was ever used directly against ships
Several other combats were fought be
tween troops on the lee In these wars
and on one occasion the infantry Is
said To have Worn skates
The battle of Austerlt2 was partly
fought on frozen lake. and when the
allies were retreating across II the shot
from the French artillery, plunglng in
TO the Ice and breaking 1t up, caused
the death of thousands of Russians and
| Austrians.
or the many underground battles
which have taken place In history til,
flcrccst was probably that of the siege
of Haarlem In the Dutch wars. The
| Spanlards mined and the Dutch coun
termined with equal industry, and be
low the ground IL fierce conflict ragged.
When the Versailles troops took Par
Is after the commune, they chased some
of the communist troops to the great
sewers of the French capital, where
some desperate struggles took place
| Washington Post.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
The Art of Finance
Modern Methods Akin TO the Ancient
Game OF Thimb!erisging

l never did take much stock in trad
ing ION change" It's form of gam
bling where interest Is sacrificed by
the fact that you do not see the ball
rolled or the cards dealt Even when
you see the play you may be up against
a brace game, so what can you expect
when two or three big dealers, like my
revered parent. get together and mark
the cards for a big game? Anyway
I'd rather bet any day ON something
straight. IL man CANDLES on whether
the sun will shine or not on certain
days he may be unlucky enough to lose
every trip. but he will at least have the
satisfaction of knowing that no thin
blerigging In somebody's back office In
troduced the clouds.
Finance as | understand ii, Is the art
Of making the other fellows dollar
work for the f1Lancier; but this requires
a sort of hypnotism / do not yet pos
sess. | may grow to 1t; indeed, now
that / find myself able to sell the goods
manufactured by our house, / am al
most afraid to look mirror in the face
lest I discover that I am possessed of
the evil eye. The "marts of trade" as
the poet puts 1t, strike me as queer
places. The interior of a stock or pro-
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

In Sicily and Guernsey the Industry
OF growing early flowers for the Lon
don market has reached large proper
tions. From the former island rs many
as fifty tons of early spring blossoms
are shipped to the mainland In single
day. The flower season begins In jim
uary, when the early varieties are com
ing Into bloom. Often, when the wealth
err is cold and cloudy, the buds are tar
dy In opening, ind 1t Is necessary TO re
sort to Artificial aid In order that the
waiting markets may be supplied. The
flower heads ARE picked rs soon rs one
bud penetratcs the calyX and placed in
jars Of water, which are ranged upon
the shelves of II greenhouse kept at
temperature OF 60 to 10 degrees In
few hours the back ward buds respond
To the genial warmth, spread their pet
ais, assume their glowing colors and
are ready for punching and packing.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

Apropos of hotels, have discovered
curious fact-the farther you go the
worse they get, and even If you strike
n good one occasionally 1t only in
creases your sorrow, for comparison
augments the future misery It's no
use to try to pick your hotel No mat
ter which one you select in town,
you'll be sorry you didn't 20 to the
other
It's no use to complain. I've tried
1t. Night before last slept In room
that was apparently gymnasium for
rats. About o'clock, when they be.
gan to use the pit OF my stomach for n
springboard. | went down TO the office
and pried the clerk out from behind the
cigar counter.
"See here" | said, II can't sleep
There's so much noise"
"Sorry, sir, but can't help It," he
replied, Ticking dust atom from the
register. This is hotel. The SAM
tarium Is on the next street. Ever
try powdersY'
what on?' queried not 10 be out
done. The rats"
Rats? | do hope you haven't got
them. The last man that
"No. l haven't got 'em. but the room
has They're all over the place"
Rats. chY And the clerk give the
register Il twirl. Lets see You're il
51-dollar room. Couldn't expect buff
falocs at that price, could youE'
| stayed In the office the rest of the
night, and in the morning the clerk
pointed me out to his chief
"Thnt gent" he said, has insom
MAY"
THAT won't do, young man." said
the landlord, with n whitening look
1--WE can't have such things In this
house. Its family hotel"
tried making inquiries, but It's nt
good. Every man in town will swear
that some particular hotel is "the best
this side the Mississippi" Foollshly
enough, tried to quiz the clerk of one
house while l was registering
wound up few queries about the Ia
bic with the conundrum. Are your
eggs fresh" He knew the answer.
Fresh :" he drawled, looking straigh,
Mt me. Then he rang beh and cried
'FRONT.' The one bcllboy appeared
from somewhere. eating what was once
an apple.
Gent to hundred an thirteen" said
the clerk. AN, boy. stop mt the din.
ing hall on your way back an tell the
hend waiter that this gentleman is &c
have his eggs laid on his toast by the
hens direct"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
SOLAR MOTION.
The Little We Know About where
the sun Is Going.


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-, a.ts.,,,,'. W h,fe 49, in,,,t,A, ~
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-, -
-,
-, -, H. -, NV,
-. ~, '.',,''..
y = s'V''l''iH v w '',o''"''9 =,
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III.
go, -, - a., -
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-, mn. 49,,
-, ,,.,,,,i =, ,.'i,.
,..,,,f,,,,,,,t - 1t, ,.,,,,,,,.. -,
no A. arst ,,,or,, &, ,.t,,u,,o ,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,ss - -, ~ ,,,. ,,,..,.,,,l., =,
n,i,iskos tn, ra,,i,s ,,,,,, ,,,t ,,,,tm ,,,,,,
i,.ti,.ii,,,i ,,,,,,,,,., ,,,.,t,,,,,
lilo
In His WV. u l,,., i,oo,, ,,.,.,u,o 10 10
tornInn onnrayfn,at,I,, en-, ,,asitia,, ~,
tho civ of tho .,,ncx,, of s,I,r ,n,t,o,
or .l,,t n,i,t t,,,',,.,, It'll, a,,r. ,,,I.,,.
svstcn, K, ~ nroso,,t tr,,.,I,,,, !, 1, IN
IL, nonstaI,atior ,1ar,,,Ia,, W. a.,
al,lioaa =, ,,s,,,,,,., 49, ,.,,I =, ~,
tho n,rnont . .trat,,I,t I,,n ~, NO.
Moon th,t .,nan,nntn ,,'lt.h L,.,n,
when I,mos nrodlo,, conu,nooJ thn
first storc,toIo,,n, ~ modem, ,ro,,,,a,,
nhont 175o and which ,,.un and iana
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

A writer in the Scientific American
says: Il witnessed pair of catbrds
making n bold defense against n black
snake bent on dcyouring the contents
OF thelr nests At first the snake was
Inclined TO disregard the distressed
birds MS they fought Ia drive it away,
but the blows Of their wings and bills
became so annoying that the thief had
to seek refuge In flight ON reaching
the roots Of the tree. from which the
river had washed the dirt, the snake
started 10 climb, only to be driven be
meath them and then out TO an old
stump, under which the balllcd and
beaten reptile took refuge"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
THE ANGRY TREE.
Peculiar Antics of This Curiosity of
Plant Life.

Plant Life.
There is in the wilds of northwestern
Idaho n species of the acacia tree
which is entitled To be classed rs one
of the wonders of plant life 1t grows
to n height of about eight feet aud
when full grown closes It's leaves To
gethcr In coils each day mt sunset and
curls Its twlgs to the shape of pigtnlls
After the tree has settled Itself thus
for nights sleep, if touched the Whole
thing will futter MS II agitated or I'm
patient nj being disturbed The oftener
the foliage Is molested the more VIC
lent becomes the shaking of the
branches, and Mt length the tree cmits
nauseatlng odor, which If inhaled for
few moments causes n violent, dizzy
headache
The angry tree, ms II has been named,
was discovered by travellers, who upon
making camp for the night pluced one
| end of II canvas covering over one OF
the sensitive branches, using IL for q
| support. Immediately the tree began t.
sharply Jerk Its branches The motor
continued, growing more nervous, unit
| Mt last the sickening odor which ii
| gave out drove the tired campers TO II
more friendly location. Curiosity of
course prompted an investigation. One
OF the angry trees was dug mp and
thrown to one side. Immediately upon
being removed from the ground the
tree opened Its leaves, It's twigs lost
their pgtails, and for something over
an hour and half the outraged
branches showed their Indignation by
series of quakings, which grew
weaker rs time pissed, finally ccasing
altogether, when the foliage hung limp
md withcrcd. The next morning the
tree was placed upright In the ground
again, n little water was applied to the
roots, and very soon 1t resumed It's
normal condition. Boston Globe
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
Making a Bad Break
What's Bred In the Stockyard Will Out
In Society

There | 20 again with my SMILES de-
rived from trade! It's cXHapcra ing
how home associations will cling To II
fellow even after four years of coll 20
life! But it's worse when these stock
yard phrases bulge out in polite CON
versatiOn. It's Il case of head ON col
lision with your pride when you are
doing your very ncatest To impress
some sugar cured beauty that you are
the flower of the flock. to make II break
like "A Texas steer. The social circle
was pretending to tell ages the other
night, When II came my next. II pert
little runabOrIt in cherry waist and Il
pair Of French shoes that must have
come down to her from the original
Cinderella spoke up:
"And you Mr.. Graham, how old are
YOU"
II was established IN lS7 4" | said
with one Of my fcrvid I'll-meet you-in-
Chances But never added the odd
figure Everybody laughed Fortu
nately, they thought intended II joke
I'll bet you Il new haiti you are still
sporting your old friend you need one
that you couldn't say born" ! caught
the Established" from you. From
Letters From II Son to His Self Made
Father" by Charles Eustnce Merri.
man.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
All Tint Wna Lacking.

lie had been away on business trip
for quite long time and had brought
his wife handsome fan upon his re-
turn.
you're Just perfectly lovely, Fred"
she said. Its the daintiest and most
beautiful fan l ever saw"
I'm glnd you like It," he returned,
with evident qualification.
"IIow could help liking anything so
prettyY" she asked. and then she added
with sigh, II only wish could carry
1t some time"
"Why can't your he demanded.
mo gown TO go with It," she answer
ed promptly. There ought TO be a
gown to match or ut least one that
wouldn't look shabby beside 1t If
She got the gown. He kicked him
self for two days and ever thereafter
bought fans to match what she already
had New York Times.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
A NEST BUILDING FISH.
Nature Affords IA Safe Asylum For the
Helpless Fishes.

1t Is doubtful whether protective MIN
icry among animals is better eXempll-
fled than In the case of the fish com
monty known as the marbled angler OF
the Sargasso sea (Pterophryne histriol,
Owing TO its peculiar structure II Is Il
poor swimmer, and II therefore spends
most of its life moving slowly about
on the bottom among corals. scawccd,
etc, which these fishes closely rcsem-
BILE In color and In outline. They cling,
too, TO the floating masses of sargas-
sum weed with their peculiar fins, and
the color markings of the fish closely
resemble the weed itself Not only does
the weed thus furnish home for this
species, but the fish actually constructs
a nest from 1t and therein deposits It's
eggs. One of these nests, found I'm CON
nection with the IIassler expedition.
was described as consisting of Il round
mass of sargassum about the size of
two fists rolled up together. To all ap-
pearances II was made of nothing but
this gulf weed, the branches and leaves
of which We're, however, evidently knit
together and not merely tangled into Il
roundish mass, for, though some of the
leaves and branches hung loose from
the nest, Ii became ut once visible that
the bulk of the ball was held together
by threads trendng In every direction
among the seawecd BY close obscrva-
ton 1t became apparent that this mass
of seaweed WIS II nest, the central part
OF which Was bound up In the form of
ball, with several loose branches ex.
tending In various directions. ON still
closer examination the nest above de-
seribed WAS found to be full of eggs,
which We're scattered throughout the
mass
Nature has thus afforded n safe asy-
lum for these somewhat helpless fishes,
whose cutaneous tilamcnts, which are
plentifully provided on the belly around
the mouth and on the dorsal spine, so
nearly resemble the weed itself that
predaccous fishes doubtless fail To rec
ognize the living animals, and thus the
hitter escape determination Scientific
American.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
WHOLE NO. 1910
HOW TO GO NUTTING.
Looping the Boughs IN an Efectivs
Way to Strip IN Tree.

Way to Strip Tree.
Not n few are the devices Of skilled
nutting. How often shall we see the
novice crushing the green bur with
stone and the chestnut by the same
blow-or with many pains from the
sharp spincs trying to open the bur
10y hand. The nutter who is better
vcrsed has the trick. not mastered I'M
Ill some practice. of peculiar quick
tap OF the something between
blow md cut-whlch mt one def
side stroke lays open the nuts for the
hand. The old device of jnrring by
heavy stone the tree bole-cspecially
the slim secondary trees of the deeper
woods-may he trite. but not Its refine
ment of taking n smaller stone and by
IL series of quick taps on the trunk
''snapplne' the upper branches.
Less known and more effective is an
other good plan. Its clements are a
good arm, ball of strong cord and, at
tached. Il half pound stone, more OF
less, according 10 the weight of the
string. The theory involves the casting
of Il weight over bough of the nut
tree and shaking 1t briskly when loop
ed by the cord The practice is that
many youngster who deems himself
crack thrower on the ball field will
find some lessons to be learned In
the precision of looping chestnut
branch and In the retarding power of
mn ascending cord tied to projectlle
la, !,
releasing the cord from nm upper
bough as to loop the bough below and.
with acquired dexterlty, strip half
dozen branches after single cast
Clarence Deming In Outing
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

Military life Is necessarily made up
largely of loating. You cannot keep
man continuously at drilling, marching
or any other branch of military train
ing for eight hours II day and five or
six days week. You have to invent II
great many other jobs for him, even TO
make prctensc of keeping him occu-
pied. But these Jobs are nearly all
'loaling" jobs, and when it Is all done
the soldier has n great many more Idle
hours on his hands per diem than any
other man I'm the same rank of life.
do not know whether II is possible to
arrive at any remedy for this. but, II
II IS. the direction in which | should
look for the remedy would be TO make
every soldier work Mt some other trade
for Il certain number of hours each
day. The number of hours might be
shorter in the summer when there Is
more opportunity for training and mill
tary exercise, and longer In the winter.
If this were practicable, no doubt II
would make an enormous difference TO
the value OF the soldier as n citizen
when he leaves the ranks London
Truth
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
A Grin

what Is II grigY' asks correspond
ent who has been worried by the phrase
"as happy MS grig" The grlg shares
with Mark Tapley the honor of being
proverblally hnppy. But II lonely nd
jcctlye does not define substantive
In Yorkshire, we are told, grig Is II
young child, happy. we may hope In
Staffordshirc 1t Is n bantam But In
Dutch the "kriek" Is cricket, or grass
hopper. really merry fowl. In Web
ster grig Is the provincial English for
an eel. But we cannot accept an eel
az the embodiment of mlrth, aud we
put our money on the Dutchnan's
"krick. London Chronicle.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

You have some professional humor-
lists working on your linotype machines.
haven't you" asked the poet
Haven't noticed that any OF them
have failing that way" answered
the editor.
"Well, you're II p'or observer. DO
you read your own paper"
professionally"
did you read my poem. TO Agatha
in yesterdays lssuer
"N-no."
II thought not. In the poem | wrote
a line which read, 4 love you better
than ! love my life"
"That was neat line"
"And one of your linotype humorsts
made 1t read, I love you better than
love my Wife,"
"Er-"
'Exactly-my wife And my wife.
not being acquainted with the faillngs
Of these key thumpers. thinks the poem
was printed exactly as It was written"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

duce exchange is certainly an under
study for bedlam, IL my Imagination is
correct
one.
NO" comes the reply, want S6ls.'
"All right"
"Sold"
''I'll take 500"
And nobody takes thing for the
man who sells 1t hasn't got 1t and the
man who buys don't want 1t. No Won
der the poor lambs lose their fleece and
their heads.-From Letters From n
Son to His Self Made Father" by
Charles Eustace Merriman.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
A TORPID Liver.

Cloggcd condition Of the system Is
one symptom of a liver out of order.
Here Is MS good and simple remedy
ms any ] know, writes physician;
Get nice lemon and cut 1t In half.
Take one half I'm tumblerful of cold
water the last thing at night and the
other the first thing in the morning.
Half II pint of very hot water with q
squeeze of lemon or lime In 1t before
breakfast is also good. Both remedies
are well worth trying
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

Immense fortunes have been made
out of the banana business. Revenues
do not accrue alone from the sale of the
fruit for the leaves are used for pack
ing, the wax found ON the undcrSidc
of the leaves Is valuable article Of
commerce. Manila hemp Is made from
the STEMS and of this hemp are made
mats, plated work and lace handkcr-
chiefs Of the finest texture Moreover,
the banana Is ground into banana -four.
The island of Jamaica and the West
Indies generally yield great crops OF
this useful fruit
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
Ining nm Income .

No one can use an income with true
economy who does not exert his best
judgment and put forth all the wis
dom he possesses to make IL fullill
the highest ends OF which 1t Is cApa
bic In his peculiar circumstances If
II does not make some lives better.
fuller and happier; If 1t does not de
velop the body and educate the mind;
II 1t does not promote industry, hon
csty and good VIII; If, In fact, 1t does
nothing to elevate and improve man-
kind, then waste and not economy Is
shown IN Its management.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

1t Is related that shortly after Runci-
man, the well known writer on seafar-
ers and smugglers and poachers, had
bitterly fallen out with w. Il. Henley
he lay dying In London. To Henley in
Edinburgh, lame and Ill, came an In
direct message that Runciman believed
that If Henley could come and look on
him he would get well. 1t was II dy-
Ing mans whimsy, but Henley tool
the train from Edinburgh and arrived
In London to find his friend dead.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

A friend In conversation with Mr..
Whittier the poet remarked that he
was about to contract to furnish lot
of oak timber for the government gun
bonts and asked him If he thought II
was in consistcncc with the peace doc
trInes of the Quaker denomination.
Without saying anything calculated TO
decide the question the two arrived Mt
their parting place. when Mr.. Whittier,
shaking his friends hand said, Moses.
If thee does furnish any of that oak
timber thee spoke Of. be sure that 1t Is
all sound"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

There goes l;OXham. Every time |
think of that mans financial cnbar
rassmcnt II makes me ycarn to help
him"
"Financial embarrassment
"Yes. He's got SO much money he
doesn't know what to do with it,
Catholic Standard and Times.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
A Modern Instance.

"In some circles of ancient magnif-
ccncc." said the pcdantic person. ut
was customary to hive skeleton Of
the feast"
I'VE follow that custom ut our
house." answered Mr. Meekton. I'VE
have turkey one meal and the skele-
ton for the next r."-EXchange.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

Miss Skrcmer Papa says If ! give
up my singing lessons he'll give me n
pair Of diamond earrings Miss Sharpe
You've never worn earrings, have
your Miss Skremer No; I'll have to
have my ears pierced. Miss Sharpe
Oh, | see his idea. He wants to pay
you back IN your own coin. PhIladel-
pha Press
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

Il overheard him telling her story
last night which | know She has heard
fifty times before, but She didn't stop
him"
"She Is long suffering, surely"
"Oh. don't know. He told her she
was the pretticst girl he had ever
seen" Cincinnati Times Star
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06

Mrs. Newwcd My husband has tho
chllls and fever, but they come In
handy.
Mrs Oldwed How so?
Mrs. Ncwwed Whenever he has q
chill put rattle in his hand, and II
amuscs the baby.-Chicago Journal.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
Noodles Under Fire.

you must give Mr.. Noodles n
chance intcrposcd his hostess. Hes
collecting his thoughts"
Noodles always had such fad for
collecting raritics." observed the josh
er In chief sympathetically. Syracuse
Herald
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1904-04-06
A sn,isfyinu Portrait

Mr.. Roxc-This portrait doesn't look
Ike my wife ut NIL
Artist i know IT doesn't, but 1t looks
as she thinks she looks.-Judge.