The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1904-07-23

HoN IL -Necucu.---A young ScOlCil
minister With an exalted opinion of his
forensic powers said one morning to
his man in the kirk: II don't think,
John, l need put the gown on; it's only
an membranes, though some folk
seem to think it makes a preacher
more impressive"
Nerger John: "Aye, aye, sir, that's
just it; it makes We mair impressive,
an We need it, sir, We need it,
Sympathy.-Mr. Critique: Eyes, in
deed, my house is simply full of
Titians."
Mrs. Nouveauriche: "Good gracious,
amt there no way of killing 'em?"
Her Prescription.-Miss Renfew:
"Alice," he cried, {" must speak. For
Il week. have walked about as one
dazed. I have been unable to eat. At
night l have tossed upon my bed, to
rise haggard and miserable in the
morning. L"
'Oh," the fair girl interrupted, 81
know what is the matter with you.
Go and play croquet or golf"
Big Mouthfuls for the Goat.-Re-
Gently a little girl, who lives in the
south end of the city, went to school
With a look of trouble on her face and
tears in her eyes. She was a pretty
little thing and the tears looked ill
upon her dimpled cheeks. She walked
into the presence of the teacher with
Il downcast look, but said nothing.
'Where is your geography, Lena?"
asked the teacher.
The goat ate it up. please ma am"
was the startling answer. Il whipped
him for it, but he tore it all up
"Ate it up? Why, how in the world
did that happen?"
II don't know, ma'am. When l got
to where Billy was he had eaten half
Of it and was swallowing the Missis-
sippi river and part of the Great
Lakes. 1 saved some of it,
The Civilized Method.-"Went into
a Chinese restaurant last night" said
the first Chicagoan. Funny the way
them Cinnamon eat boiled rice"
"Chop-sticlls, eh?" said the other.
Did they expect you to eat it that
way, too?"
"Yes, but civilizations good enough
fur me. jest called fur knife and
ct it right
The Wrong Spot.-An attendant at
Mount Vernon not long since found a
lady weeping most bitterly and audi
| bly, with her handkerchief at her eyes.
He stepped up to her and said:
care you in any trouble, madame?
mo, sir" she sobbed.
II saw you weeping"
"Ah" said she, chow can one help
weeping ut the grave of the Father of
His Co,lntry?' ..
ooh! Indeed, madam said he,
that's it! Tho tomb is over yonder.
| This is the ice house."
Don't you think this country has
Il great future before it,"
Young man." answered the states
man, who affects ponderous manner
of expression, Il have given the sub
ject deep thought; and 1 have come
to the conclusion after unbiased con-
sideration from every possible point
of view, that this country's supply of
future is practically ineXhaustibe"
In the Wrong Departmental prom
incnt physician tells this story at the
expense of the modern craze for spe-
cialiZation in the medical profession
\ poor woman from the East Side of
New York went to a nearby dispen,
sary to ask aid for her little son, who
had one Of his fingers smashed with
a baseball bat. At the first room
T; where she applied she was told by q
curt attendant that the boy could not
be treated there
Wrong place." he explained; "this
is the eye and ear department"
We're is der thumb und finger de
partment?" inquired the woman, sim
ply.