The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1904-04-15
HELL FOR POSTAGE.

AAA1ASI W "a
$50 now when I hear anything about
trouble in the postoffice department my
mind goes back to the held for postage
notice"
ss.
Senator Stone of Missouri declares the
only way to "carve'' a watermelon is to
"bust err" but says that every state has
a peculiar way of doing things as well
their own style of pronunciation.
1T is said that when the first tide of
New England settlers began to drift to
F.ansas,' said the senator. "Missourians
tied a COW at each crossing of the Mis-
souri, river. If the emigrant said COW
ne was permitted to cross, but If he pro-
bounced 1t 'keow' he was told to return
TO the east. because the natives were sat
tsfied he was an evil-minded abolitionist.
The Kansas people cvened up by tying
a bear on their side of the river, and If
the right hand of fellowship, but if he
pronounced 1t bar he was given an hour
TO get back to Missouri because he was
an advocate of slavery.
80 that's about the size OF 1t where
ever you go-everybody to their own lik-
ing in the matter of pronunciation and
Carving a watermelon"
"One of my boys has been annoying the
life out of me about taking a course in
a certain school of correspondence in
Pennsylvania" said a representative from
North Carolina, land when l went home
yesterday the young fellow handed me a
magazine, which is issued by the school
and asked me to look it over and see what
I thought Of 1t. The first article ] read
was on the wonderful advantages of
knowing shorthand. and In what little
time the school could drill It into the
heads of students by their teach-by-mail
~ TJ1nVa tlo IL -,-.k
on TO give the names of several promi-
nent men who began life as stenoaraphers,
saying that 'Hon. George Cortelyou, now
secretary of the department of miner
and labor. was a simple stenographer be-
fore me was secretary to the president
Nov. 1 don't believe that Secretary
Cortelyou was ever a simple stenographer,
and | don't want my boy to take a course
In stenography or ply from a school
which is SO careless in speaking of our
new cabinet officer. When 1 read that
article / lost faith IN that school,. and am
of opinion that its promoters had best
get some really good newspaper man to
take charge OF the magazine Department."
You have heard of fellows with too
much booze, who said they were top
heavy" remarked Representative Sherley
of Kentucky. We'll. years ago there was
Il young man brought before the bar
W. ~ |caAo liiC, Siid t Will SiGdllUR
a couple of pieces of lead pipe. Suppose
he had what is now termed a lead-ptpe
cinch. The lead was found in hts over
coal pockets when he was arrested. and
1t looked like a dead case against the
young fellow, whose face clearly indicated
that he had been fighting Indians.' The
Fellow put up a most novel defense, de-
claring that he was forced to take the
lead pipe and had not the remotest idea
of stealing it.
"'IIow IS ~that-forced to stealo' asked
the judge.
II took 1t for a good purpose, your
honor, was the answer.
To sell to buy more rum, 1 suppose
said the judge.
Wrong, your honor. I already had
too much Of the ardent
Drunkenness does NOT excuse crime
1t was no crime. your honor. While
I was pretty full. 1 still had reason. I
quite wabbly wavering = staggering-in
short, deprived of my equilibrium. 1t
seemed to me that my head was the
heaviest, and in order to make a balance.
If possible, l took the lead and placed 1t
IN my pockets. hoping to get a balance
and reach home safely
" In~genious-quite ingenious, SIR said
the judge. but I'll have to fine you a
dollar to prevent the spread of such bal
ancing tactics"
Shooting irons. as the boys out my
way call firearms, have been the cause
of many Deaths" said Representative
Gregg of Texas, and 1 never read of a
death by this route that am not re-
minded of an inscription winch can be
found on a tombstone in one of the
c~hurchyards in the state Of Arkansas. 1t
reads
This stone is sakred to the memry of
William Hardy, who came to his death by
fooling with a Colts revolver, one Of the
old kind, brass mounted, and Of such is !
the Kingdom OF heaven"
Representative johnson Of South Caro- |
lima, who was a listener, said: Guess
the inscription Is all right, but its powerful
bad punctuation-about as bad as that
which makes an inscription read awfully
funny on q tombstone In a burial ground /
In my state. 1 have never seen 1t but have
been told that 1t reads:
f" Erected to the memory of John Daw-
son. who was accidentally shot as a mark
Of affection by his brother
II told one OF my republicans about
this, and he simply laughed and said that
people Of South Carolina had peculiar
ways OF showing our affections"
There lived near the Blue Ridge in my
state an aged hardshell minister" relates
Representative Hay OF Virginia. ''rhe
soou olu man was somewhat addicted to
Imbiblng Dutch courage, and he could
immense quantities Of it, too. After
taking several %snifters one Sunday he at
TO preach, but his tongue was
70 thick that he couldn't get farther than
beloved brethren There was a pain
Eul struggle between celestial spirits and
lrdent spirits-a struggle between good re-
1gion and bad whisky. But words failed
aim: rounds OF pearly drops Of sweat stood
3Qt on his forehead Wbipha bo ,,,on,a1 IN
With his red bandana. Finally, he hurted
tut, lily brethren. l feel-like-like-' But
nat Was as far as he could get. He :
tucked down behind the high pulpit a mo-
nent. then stretched himself up like one =
these jumping Jacks. and with an :
a-hems he said: /.
My brethren: I feels IKE a corn house o
nat is locked up an sie key is lost. !.
,hal' won't be any gospel today from this .
Discussing the recent visit of Booker v
" ia