Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1904-01-23
The Remarkable Invention Of Tele-
machus Jones.

mdCnUS SOASSe
From the Maggie.
Telemachus Jones gritted his teeth.
chewed his pencil and tore his auburn hair.
Before him lay an open book-"C1ceros
orations." Unhappy Telemachus Jones!
Not that he had any objections to Cicero.
None whatever. If the orations had only
been written in civilized language that
an ordinary mortal could understand! 1t
was the Latin that brought those tears OF
rage to his eyes.
Would that hades had swallowed the
Latin language before 1t came down TO
curse met he muttered. cIenching his fsts
'Utinam, with the plu-perfect subjunctive'
denoting a wish unaccomplished IN past
time-uh!'' he shuddered. by the hair on
Jupiters chin. It's shame that should
be troubled by this thrice condemned Ian
guage. Cicero is dead. and let's us alone
Latin is dead, too. but hang it-by Zeus,
may Pluto take the orations!" He shut
the book with bang and leaned back in
his chair eff only had machine" he
thought: "a machine that would study my
Latin for me, instead Of silly automobile
or an improved device for peelins potatoesi
That would be an invention. BY COM
bination of phrenology and electrical engt-
neering I almost think it might be done.
Science can do anything. If only had a
machine like this could defy Cicero at
his worst. wish I were an inventor!" he
rested his elbows on the table and knit his
brows In deep meditation.
Much thought and labor did Telemachus
Jones put on his project. At length, In
credible as it may sound, 1t seems that
his pains were rewarded. The time Tor the
last experiment had come. On the table be-
fore him stood a singular apparatus. black
and unwieldy. The left part consisted OF
fiat box, connected with the central cavity
of the machine by two thin wires. These
wires passed through two small holes TO
the outside, where they ended In pair OF
circular clasps, like earlaps On the r1gnt
side of the thing was a large flywheel.
Directly below 1t was small crank and
slot. Telemachus evidently had views to-
ward future prosperity. With nervous fin
gers he placed his Cicero In the box on the
left Then he shut the lid and put the
Latin grammar into the middle of the ma
chine under the wires. He put the two
clasps to his temples and pushed dime
into the SLOT Then he turned the crank.
A queer machine-he became unconscious!
Was II the machine, or perhaps the Latin
grammar? Telemachus didn't know, and
even didn't care. For when he came to
himself and feverishly removed the clasps
he suddenly realized that he actually knew
the first three orations! Knew them-gram-
mar and all! He tested himself gleefully
All hard points were now as clear as day.
He took out the book and found that the
first forty pages were absolutely blank
with the exception of the English chapter
headings and the pictures. Telemachus al
most died of joy. He now rapidly put an
algebra into the box and applied the clasps
A sharp pain went through him: the ma
chine must have been defective. However,
when he Investigated he found that he had
cleared about four chapters Of the stuff
Paradise was nothing to him then. He put
hofn do },fn thn hfv Whnr he fvyryt III
the crank 1t was as il red-hot needles
pierced him through and through, so that
he tainted from the agony. When he re-
covered he found that he had cleared the
book; but he was terribly weak and worn
out. No wonder. poor Telemachus! When
he looked into the mirror he found that his
head had swollen about twice its normal
size.
turn to school, however. he surprised the
class by getting a clear 100 per cent In his
Latin exam. When he promptly did the
same In mathematics the next day he was
regarded as superhuman by his compan-
ions, who would not talk with him. This
did not worry Telemachus in the least.
Wen he knew how popular he would be-
come on sudden when his secret was
made known! He resolved to keep one
more surprise for his friends. He knew
that the faculty were on the watch for
crib. He resolved to sit In the very first
row the next day. with both hands above
dred in the Greek exam.
He went skating the day before All the
others were home examining. He smiled
gently to himself as he walked home with
his skates. After he had eaten his supper
he stole upstairs to his machine. He placed
1t on the table and regarded it lovingly.
'Oh. thou beauty" he whispered as he put
his Greek grammar into the box Jupiter
will I call thee. Thou race horse! What
pony can cope with thee?' He fastened
the clasps, turned the crank and closed his
eyes. The next minute there was dull
roar, and then a terrible explosion. II
was the first Greek grammar the machine
had ever become acquainted with, and II
burst Immediately under the strain, Prin-
cipa1 parts and irregular nouns were scat
tered in all directions. A huge Homeric
deponent verb struck poor TeIemachus
Jones on the forehead with terrible force:
the augment hit his eye. and the redupli-
cation almost took on his ear. He felt all
grow dark around him, and fell forward TO
the ground from the chair. Then he sat up
and rubbed his eyes. On the table Law
Cicero, and said not word.