The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-10-06
THE TOPEKA STATE JOURNAL THURSDAY EVENING ooToBER6

doe?''
ut is, my dear felIer-femaIe, that
your whole face seems to have been
| carved out of a washboard. 1t is the
! worst I ever saw on womankind. If
| the old boss had come upon you sud
den like on a dark night the shock
must have killed him I wouldst I
could compare thee to Lillian Russell
| or Sarah Bernhard, or even to the
wilder I'm courtin' down at Last
Chance. but Truth is mighty and must
prevail.
and about my form ?" she asked,
as she stood UP and tried to survey
herself.
ut is that of cider barrel. dear
| one-all bulge and no ends
And if you had no wilder on hand
you would not fall in love with me?"
mot if l was to be hung for re-
fusin' Excuse a strangers plain
| speech, but you wanted the truth.
There are men in Oklahoma who will
ride a boss to death to lay their love
at the feet of women who are cross
| eyed, bOw-backed and bald-headed,
but they would ride away again at
sight of you. 1 don't know where you
come from, or. what Natur' was tryin'
to do in your case, but if you don't be-
long with the Girl from Borneo and
the What-Is-It in dime museum then
I'm off my feed" ---.--
you've hit it, old benign she said,
as a smile broke through her tears.
1--WE been the What-Is-It in a mu-
scum for the last five years, but escaped
few weeks ago to come out here to
love and be loved. 1 family suspected
that I was not a prize beauty, but 1
| thought most anything would go out
here. Alas! but what shall I do?'
go back to the What-Is-It,' l sug-
gested.
kee has taken my place and is being
advertised as the What-Is-It that
made Milwaukee famous. She's got
feet two sizes larger than mine, and
he g NO h out
that there is nothin' left for me but
death. AS, an angel flynn around in
that better land perhaps I'd have
better show
81 don't doubt it, but we are put
here on airth to do the best we can
1t seems to be your duty to git mar
ried and encourage the turtle doves
roof
But if no man will fall in love and
/ ask my hand?''
THAT was one of the things 1 pur-
vided for when 1 compounded my cele-
brated Pilgrim Alleviator, a specimen
bottle of which hold here in my hand.
1t is meant to relieve pain of the heart
as well as of the body. 1 don't claim
that it will take your old face off and
put on a new and beautiful one, but
after imbibin one bottle you'll have a
great change of feelin'. Remove the
cork with your teeth and drink slowly.
The sorrerin' female followed direc-
tions and 1 watched results. At the
end of five minits the tears ceased to
fall and her chin to wobble. At the
end of ten there was a smile on her
face and determination in her eye.
When she had emptied the bottle she
was tryin' to tiirt with me.
bed her hands together.
Go forth and find a man." / replied
1T is mans duty to marry women. If
he don't know huff to fall in love and
ask for her hand then it's her duty to
butt in and do the best she can for
herself"
You mean that I'm to take some
man by the neck?" she queried-
1.-The first you meet. If he happens
to have a wife and six children let him
go. but if unmarried hang to him like
grim death. / am satisfied that when
manly heart you nave got he'll stick
to you forever thereafter You may
take along another bottle of the Allie
viator, and if you find your spirits flag
gin Just imbibe as before Farewell,
feller-woman, and may you bump up
agin the right sort of man..
But 1 have already bumped up ag1n
him." she replied as I rose to go. "Old
benign. your true and lovin' wife stands
before you, and if you can give her the
shake you'll do to climb a creased pole.
dn men q bad rebannged ON nv own head.
and that the wickedness of the world had
taken advantage Of my innercend t TO In ulf-
ter with her I should have bin lost, put
didn't stop. With a sudden movement
mounted my wagon and put the CAD on
the old boss, and though he was a leetle
slow in startin' he got his gallop on MN
in time to leave the artless female a rod
or two behind. She continued the chase
for a mile or more, and under the slim
illus of the Alleviator she seemed to gam
on me- but in the end the pace was too
hot and she had to haul off. I kept up
the gallop for a mile further, ana men
let the boss settle down to walk While
reflected: -
cit is our duty to sorrer with the sor-
rowful, but to look out for gumgames at
the same time.
And also:
when we meet a homely woman we
should encourage her to hope, but at the
same time should keep our coat tails
out of her reach.
And likewise:
mankind is deservin' of sympathy and
encoura cement. but it must not be for
gotten that mankind is allus on the look
out for itself and will work off a bad
dollar on the slightest excuse
And finally:
BE We without guile, but ask the reg
ular price of Is cents per bottle for PHI
grim Pain Alleviator and make no dis
Count even to widders. '-(Copyright 1904,
by 7. c. McClure.)
WABASH TO ST. LOUIS.