The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-12
SHARPENED
SHAFTS
OF WIT

= HE striking OF mind upon mind in
a duel of words leads to brilliant
flashes of wit comparable to the
sparks struck from the flint by the
cleaning steel. Many such scintilla-
tons of witty reply or sharp, sudden
retort are imbedded in literature
where, nevertheless. they retain much
of that unstudied grace and CONVERSE
tional form which smack of their orr
gin. Here are some clever replies and
retorts that history says are accurate:
Cicero, the great Roman orator. had
ready wit Upon one occasion at a
dinner the host offered Cicero some in
ferior Falernian wine, saying: 1T is
forty years old" To which Cicero re-
piled: 1T bears its age Well"
The French are famous for their jeux
desprit. Il was mounted on the very
smallest mule in the world" said Bas-
sompiere, French ambassador to Spain,
as he described his entry into Madrid
All" exclaimed the auditor Henry ~.
What an amusing sight TO see the
biggest ass mounted OH the smallest
mule. Il was your majesty's repre-
sentative, was the sharp rejoinder.
To Frenchmen OF a lSter period be-
long these spirited bits of repartee: An
advocate greeted Voltaire with high
sounding flattery II salute thee, o
light Of the world" The famous writer
replied: Mime. Denis. bring the snuff
( fers. Talieyrand. the far-sighted min
lister of Napoleon, was asked by a
man who squinted: How are things
going in the political worId?" The dip
lomat answered: AS you see."
In the time Of Charles II of England,
IN an age of wits, the grand master of
me art OF retort was the crippled earl
OF Shaftesbury. "Shaftesbury." said
the king to him one day. II believe
that thou art the wiekedest dog in all
my dominions.' "Of a subject, sire, I
believe | am" was the reply While
speaking against the test bill in the
house of lords the earl overheard an
INDECENT churchman say; II wonder
when he will have done preaching"
! The orator whispered. loud enough 10
! be heard by all: When I am made
| bishop, ny lord
/ Dr. Garth, a witty physician of the
court of Queen Anne. had prescribed a
nauseous dose for the great warrior
I the Duke Of Marlborough When the
| duke objected TO following the direc-
I tons the sharp-tongued Duchess aSrah
broke in by saying: "Tll be hanged if
! il does not cure you" There, my lore. -
{ interposed Grath, you had better
The frequent collisions of lawyers in
the court room sharpen their wits. so
that many of the best examples of rep
artee come from the gentlemen OF wig
and gown. Lord Mansfield. the famous
English judge of the second half Of the
eighteenth century. listered to an argu-
ment of the insolently proud Sir Fetch
er Norton upon case involving certain
manorial rights. MY lord" said Nor
ton, i can instance the point in per-
son. Now 7 have myself two little
mancrs.' We are well aware of that,
said the judge, smiling kindly.
Do you see anything ridiculous in
my wig?' said a judge TO the famous
Irish barrister. John Philpot Currau.
Nothing but the head" few back the
The late Chief Justice Russell was
nearing trial for bigamy What
the extreme penalty for bigamy?" whis-
pered a barrister. 1.-TWO mothers-iIl-
law. said Russell.
samuel Fcote was one the readiest
English wits of the eighteenth century.
A physician of Bath told him that he
mad mind TO publish his own poems.
but he had so many irons in the fire ne
did not know we'll what to do. '"Then
take my advice. doctor" said Foote,
and put your poems where your irons
are"
Being at the dinner table one day
when the wine was poured out i'm very
small glasses. Foote listened to the
hosts profusion Of remarks concerning
the excellence Of the wine. its age. etc
But you don't seem to relish it, Foote.
said the host. 'by keeping your glass
so long before you. "Oh. yes, my lord
perfectly well. ! am only admirine
/ a se
age"
Foote and a great actor, David Car
rick. were supping together. wher
Foote, in pulling out his purse to pay
the reckoning. dropped guinea and
could not find it again Where the
= deuce" says Foote, can it be gone TOP
Gone to the devil. l suppose" SAYS
Garrick- Wen said, David: you are
always what 1 took you for, ever con-
irving to make a guinea go further
than any other man."
Returning from dinner with a lord OF
the admiralty, Foote was asked bv 2
friend what sort of a time he had
Very Indifferent. indeed" he said
Bad company and worse dinner" 81
wonder at that" said the friend. "as
thought the admiral a good, Jolly fell
low" why, as to that, he may be a
good sea lord. but. take /. from me. he
is very bad landlord"
Although the profession of the law
seems to be especially conducive tc
skill in fencing with words, the church
has supplied large quota Of men who
delighted in the give-and-take of YER
bal warfare. The venerable DR.. Thorn
as Fuller. author of THE Worthless OF
England" however, met his match once
when he propounded the following
question 10 a certain DR.. Sparrow
hawk: Pray, what is the difference be-
tween sparrowhawk and an owl?"
why" came the response, there is q
great difference. An owl is fuller in tho
head. fuller in the body and fuller All
over"
The eloquent Baptist divine, Robert
Hall, had caustic wit. A flippant
young woman. having broken into his
reveries in allusion to his fiancee. Miss
Steel. by saying, "Ah, sir if we had
but polised steel here we might So
cure some of your attention, hut
Madam" he replied. make yourself
! quite easy. If you are not polished
steel you are at least polished brass"
On another occasion a member. of his
congregation, a caprieious old man
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