The Billings gazette. [volume] (Billings, Mont.) 1896-1919, 1904-02-02
FOR B0NIFACES
Shafts Of Wit Enliven Hotel
Association Dinner.
DUEL BETWEEN RIVAL HUMORIsTs

For Championship Mt Annual BAN
Quet Of New York Hotel Men-For-
mer Tells Of Their woes-Latter
Declares That Gotham's Innkeepers
Can Fool All the People All the
Time.
Never have the hotel men of New
York enjoyed SO fine a reunion as that
Of the other night, when they celebrated
the t%wenty-fifth anniversary of the
Hotel association with a BANQUET ut
Delmonico's.
Simeon Ford and Patrick f. Murphy
fought a shrewd battle of wit for the
after dinner speaking championship of
the world.
Mr.. Murphy went first to bat.
among the many arts and sciences"
he said, that have come to us from
classic time there is one that was CON-
paratively unknown to the Greeks and
Romans, but which today has reached
Its acme of perfection under the cultiva-
ton Of the hotel men.
1t Is the science which teaches how
to get the greatest possible amount of
benefit from a guest at the least posi-
BILE amount of cost to the hotel. %
zone Of the great fruits Of this sci
ence is forcing the guest to pay the
wages of the hotel help, and it is ar
ranged and shaped in such a scientific
mQnnnr fhof tho ,n,pH1io i~,o c3-a kL.-
are doing It Of their own free will-un-
der the name of gratuities or tips.
This tipping system was created by
way of furnishing an outlet for the
overlooking simplicity of a guileless
public, and there is something slyly
satirical about the institution when we
eiec that the word tip is an abbrevia-
ton and was originally called a I. I.
f., the initial letters of three words.
To Insure Promptness.'
Il am speaking the sentiments of a
large and emaciated constituency when
l say that Abraham Lincoln's famous
phrase in literature is now shattered.
for hotel men can fool all Of the people
all Of the time.
"Since the delirium Of finance has
swept through the country and left it's
impress, like storms on the roofs. we
should cultivate cheerfulness and be
satisfied with what is left. A multi
millionaire who lost in one day all his
wealth with the exception of 100000
was so affected by grief that he died
when the news reached him. His
brother, who had been poor all his life,
Inherited the 100000 and died of joy
the very day he heard the news"
Simeon Ford looked taller and leaner
and solemner than ever when he arose.
zone year ago." he said, 1--WE were
all throwing bouquets at each other be-
cause the wave Of prosperity had
struck us. Well, that wave pretty
nearly swamped us, and we are now
lashed to the mast and sending up sig
nails of distress, and unless the board
ers get together and come to our aid
we are liable to founder in deep water,
and there will be naught to mark our
resting place save a few bubbles.
Wherever a hotel man rests a few
bubbles are always in evidence.
'The worst misfortune which can be-
fall a hotel man is to experience an
era Of prosperity. We can handle adj
versity easy enough, because we are
used to it, but the minute the hotel
keeper shows his head above water ev-
cry capitalist in the land wants a fin
ger in the pie, buys a $1,OOO,OOO corner,
erects a 3d. 900 tower and prepares
to sit in the game.
ono man in This 49,, o.o
half of the new hotels erected in this
city during the year and wouldn't want
to it he could. They are as the sands
OF the sea. We are suffering from un-
digested hotels. Some day they may |
all be filled. but the balance of the
Uniteo States will have to be depopu.
lated to do it.
"The American public has dropped
about $3.50, O00, 100000 this year in the
%shrinkage of insecurities, and they are
now trying to get it all back by econo-
MIXING on their hotel expenditures.
"Maybe you think this pessimistic
talk is begotten of jealousy because 1
run an old fashioned place. Not at all.
I am on velvet. l have made my pile,
and it is safely invested in Steel COM
mon, Amalgamated Copper and Ship
building securities. and nobody can take
it away from me-that is, l haven't
succeeded in finding anybody willing to
do SO as yet.
"There are two very dangerous gangs
Of men now at large in the city to
which we call the attention of the new
police commissioner. One works around
the Grand Central depot and are called
bunco steerers or gold brick promul-
gators. The other prowls about the
lower end of the city, and we call them
fnanciers. The one gathers in the hay
seeds and jayhawks, and the other
takes in all the rest of the population.
"But what's the use of knocking?