davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

SI'well, sir" said MT. Dooley. it must be a gran thing to be a coliedge pro fissor."
 Not much to do." said Mir. rfennes- sy.
 But a gr-reat deal to say" said Mir Doo1ey. '1vry day tn minyit I pick up me pa-aper afther I've read tn criminal an other pollytickal news. tn spoortin' news, tn rale estate adver- tisements. tn invytation firm tn cui- tured foreign gent to meet an Ameri- can lady iv some means, object mat ther iv more money, tn spoortn news over again. thin tn iditoryals. has ten to find out what tn colledge pro fissor had to say yesterday wisne tn jditor wud put 1t in tn same col umn " tn pa-aper ivry day. Thin he wudden't have to collect amy otber funny column. Humorous: Profissor windhaul iv Harvard makes savidge attack on Abraham Lincoln.' As 1t Is. I sometimes have to hunt through tn pa-aper firm tn Newport scandal on pare wan to tn religious notes on page two hundred an four befure come acrost me fav'rite funny sayin's iv funny fellows.
 wisdom fr a long time, Hinnissy, ans I'm now prepared to deliver ye a sam pie colledge lecture on all subjicks firm tn creation iv tn wurruld: Young gintlemen: I will begin be eayin' that have me doubts about tn varyous stories consarnin' tn creation iv tn wurruld. In tn first place, ] dismiss with loud laugh tn theery that 1t was created in six days. 1 cud make such a poor wurruld as this in two days with a scroll saw. Akelly preposterous is tn idee that 1t wasn't made at all but grew up out iv nawth- in' Me idee Is that tn wurruld is 3 chunk iv tn sun that was clipped off be collisyon with tn moon, cooled down an advertised fir roomers. As
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13
Feminine Finance.
The Philadelphia Press.

The Philadelphia Press.
 A Philadelphia banker began six months ago the custom of giving his wife book full of blank checks which he had properly signed.
 You are welcome to these as you see fit" he said but I want you to write on the stubs just what each check went for. Then at te end of six months I'll look over the stubs.
 The other day the six months came to an end and the husband began his inspection.
 You say here" he said, that check PIP, for $25. went for church expen- ses. What church expenses were these?"
 A new Easter bonnet" the woman replied.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

I11r. Dccley on tbe Intellectual Life
.r-..~a. fso4 by McCIure Phillips and Company)

He pondered it long an carefully. Tn
 idee struck him at breakfast while he
 was eatin' his prunes an did not ma chure till he was half through with tn
 ham an eggs. So with { Pro-fissor
 Windhaul. He didn't land on Lincoln
 till he was sure iv his ground. He first
 made Inquiries an found out that there
 was such a man. Thin he looked fir his name among tn graduates iv Har-
 yard. Thin he bumped him. It's a good thing Lincoln was dead befure he
 was assaulted. He niver wud have survived tn attack. 4
 Its a fine thing fir tn young men who set at tn feet iv these larned docks. A little boy is chased away firm home an enthers wan iv these here siminaries. He was licked yesterdah rr neglectin' to scrub below tn chin but .to-morrah, he will be cheerin' wild ly while Proflssor Rumpus tells him univarsal suffrage was a bad break. If he has a weak chest an can't play fut- bali, he goes on imbibin' wisdom ontil at tn dew pint whin his alma mather hurls him at tn onfortchinit wurruld He knows fifty thousan' things. but tn onr wan iv thim that he cud
 prove is that Hefelfnger was a gr-reat fut-ball player. Thin begins | rale colledge career..- Tn post-grad- | jate coorse Is tn best in tn wurruld | Tn endurance fee Is all he has. Tn | wurruld takes 1t away firm him tn
 minyit he thries to apply his colledge | profissor's idee that undher tn doc
 Urine iv probabilities two pair ought to l beat three iv kind. He hasn't on'y l wan new pro- -fissor but twinty. millyon koid an young, rich an poor. men an
 women, especyally women. He cant
 shirk his lessons. He has to be up in ! tn mornin' bright an arly larnin' an
 passin' examinations. He's on'y told ! annything wanst. If he don't raymim. 1 Der 1t tn nex time he Is asked, some l -fissor gives him thump on tn head. Amy time he don't like his dear ol alma mather. he can quit. Tn | wurruld ain't advartisin' f'r amy stu | dents. It has no competitors an tn | lists are always full. Tn coorse lasts | firm wan to sixty years an it gets
 harder to'rd tn commincemint day. Ii Il he's a good scholar an behaves him. | silf an listens to tn pro-flssors an 1 wurruks hard, he can gradjate with honors. In amy case, he is allowed | to write out his own diploma. He | knows best what he is entitled to-"
 If ye had a boy. wud ye sind him | to colledgeT asked MT. Hennessy.
 Well" said MT. Dooley, ''at tn age
 whin a boy is fit to be in colledge,
 wudden't have him around tn house.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13


 ,,,.cstea hut his language is base an hs had no imagination. l guess tha' w,,i hold Bill fir awhile. Tn sr-reat- est notes in wurruld has projooced are parsom Stisgs an J. B. Mulcoon " Keokuk. Tn Keokuk school iv pothry has all others badly .stung. J. B. Null coon has discovered more rhymes IT dear thin Al Tinnyson iver heerd iv.
 Me opinyon iv polyticks If ye shud ask me fir it is that we might as well give up tn experiment. A governmint founded be an cr farmer like George Wash'nton an a job printer like Ben Franklin was bound to go down III room. It has abandoned all their ideels, which was a good thing, an made worse vans. Look at Lincoln. There's a fellow ivrybody Is always crackin' up. But what did he amount to? What did he do but carry on war; free tn slaves an run this ms 'rable country? But who asked him to free tn slaves? I didn't man utterly lackin' in principle an sinse iv humor, he led a mob an was con throlled be it. An who ar-re tn moo that direct this counthry? A lot " coarse, rough people who ar-re sawln up lumber an picklin' pork an who niver had a thougth iv tn Higher Life makes men aspire to betther things an indijestion. They ar-re ye'er fathers an mine, young gintlemen, Can l say worse thin that? An to think iv tn likes iv thim runnin' this govermint! By jove, if I had raymimbered las Choosdah that 1t was iliction day. I'd have larned firm me milkman how to vote an gone down to tn polls, an dhriven thim firm power. We'll aher wan consolation about 1t all: tn coun- thry won't last long. I noticed tn oth- CT day it had begun to crack Whin 1t sinks, yeers thruly will be near tn edge ready to jump off. Anyhow. II don't matther much. Tn American people ar-re all gettin' to De lnoyahs
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13
STRUGGLES OF INVENTORS.
World Has Been Slow to Accept De
 vices for Saving Labor.

Minneapolis Journal.
 Andrew Carnegie has just written a
 life or a memoir of Watt, the man who
 made the steam engine practical. Watt
 didn't know exactly what he was do-
 ing for the race. but if you sit down
 and try to think of the world without
 steam engines, you will begin ts under stand. -s.
 And just at this point there comes
 along a man in New York somewhere named Hoffman. who claims. after thir- ty years struggle, to have invented 8 rotary" steam engine which will rel egate to the scrapheap all the engines now Tn use. Nearly all the people who
 know anything about engines give Mir. Hoffman the incredulous smile. And perhaps rightly. So they did Watt.
 But in his case they were wrong. When Watts engine was first talked about there were numbers of scientific persons who rose up to give expert opinions on the subject, and, with very few exceptions, their opinions were ex- ceedingly unfavorable. They were sure | 1t could not succeed. some for one reason. some for another. One declar- ed that the cohesive strength of iron was insufficient to do the work that Watt expected: another detailed an ex- pertinent he had made with an iron vessel which burst under the strain, a fact that led him to believe that no boiler could be made strong enough
 to resist the expanding steam. A third
 felt sure that If the engine were set
 to work the weaker parts would all
 give way. But the prophecies of the
 scientists in regard to the steam en-
 igne were nothing to the forebodings of
 the working people who foresaw them
 selves thrown out of employment and
 who repeatedly threatened to "do"'
 Watt.
 If you want to get the incredulous smile or the hatred of those who are benefited or who might be benefited If they would. you want to invent or dis cover something radically new or some
 new application of an old idea. About
 million people who don't know what you are doing and don't care, rise up
 to knock and sit down virtuously to feast afterward. perfectly sure that they have done God service.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13
DIR. WILEY AND PUBLIC HEALTH.
Good Results Expected from Investiga-
 tion of Foods and Beverages.

Good Results Expected from Investiga- ton of Foods and Beverages.
 Denver Republican.
 Dr. Wiley must be given credit for good courage in making his report of investigations of the food problem of this country. It Is said his recent dec- laration that 85 per cent. of the whis- key in this country is impure has brought threats from certain whiskey manufacturers, who say they will have him removed unless he shuts up"
 It Is not at all likely that Dr. Wiley will be removed for telling the truth about food or whiskey, for if there is one thing President Roosevelt admires above all else 1t Is a Government official who has the combined qualities of hon esty and fearlessness. If pr. Wiley Is right in his contentious as to the harm full adulterations of foodstuffs and liquors, he will be backed up by the Roosevelt administration, no matter what influences and pulls" are used against him.
 But 1t Is evident that the matter must go beyond mere assertion on both sides There are pure-food laws, under which manufacturers who endanger the health of the public by harmful deliberations can be severely punished. Dr. Wiley claims that his food tests have shown certain much-used preservatives to be harmful to the human stomach, and he has also declared that there are great impurities in most of the liquors that are sold as strictly pure. Apparently the matter is one for Congress to inves- tigate at the first opportunity. If con ditions are as bad as Dr. Wiley has declared. 1t is high time for reform.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

again. walkin' down today I oo- sarved twinty-two people who looked to me like Indyans. Mex week intino to verify me conciusyons be buyin a picture iv an Indyan. But I'm intirely convinced that in three or four years at taste, we'll all be Twin in wickey- up an scalpin' each other Wltn these few remarks, let us inauirers knowledge go out an commit suicide on tn fut-ball field. Ruh -ruh-ruh- ruh-ruh. Bazzyzazoo. Tufts!
 -"I like 1t, Hinnissy. What ike most about it Is that colledse pro fssor niver speaks firm impulse. He thinks ivrything out thurly befure an- nouncin' his opinyon. Tn theery iv me larned frind down in Rockyfellar col ledge that very soon ye'd see me r-rush- in down Archey Road with tommy hawk in me hand, thryin' to thrade off a pony fir a wife an wife fir bottle iv wood alcohol. didn't leap out iv his gr-reat brain in scandalous hurry
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13
HVAE YOU THESE
 SYMPT TOMS?
There's Danger Ahead.

If you have sharp pains across the amau of the back, If there is any irreg- ularity in the urine, if it Is scanty or profuse, or difficult to retain, then your kidneys are out ot order and should be given prompt attention. There is no disease so surely fatal if neglected. Dis eases of the bladder, such as infiamma- tion, gravel or stone Tn the blad- der. diabetes. and finally uremic pol soning, usually begin in very slight way at first, often causing no partlcu- lar inconvenience.
 stuart's Gin and Buchu is reliable remedy for any form of kidney and bladder diseases. It has been given the severest tests for thirty years, and has never failed to relieve the worst case and stay the fatal progress of the dis ease. If you have the slightest symp- tom of this disease, you should lose no time in beginning the use of this rem edy. One bottle vii! convince you of the great benefit 1t will render. Stu arts Jumper and Buchu Tablets Is the same remedy in tablet form for those who prefer 1t in that shape.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13
When. in 1s45, it was announced in

When, In 1S45. 1t was announced in the papers that a man named Howe had invented a machine that could sew, every tailor gave loud boot of de- rIsion, the idea being deemed super latively ridiculous. One knight of the shears said that no sewing machine could be made to work unless 1t could be made to sit crosslegged. Comic poems were printed in the newspapers and predictions. intended to be humor- ous, were volunteered that machines would soon be invented that would
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

this they were practically unanimous in predicting it's failure. The idea that a machine could be made to do the work of human fingers In an operation so delicate as that of sewing was some- thing entirely beyond comprehension.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13
THE BEAUTY QUEST.
Women's Physical Exercise Should Be Light.

THE o DIRK CITY REPRESENTATIVE N--trRcU TsTroH. SHOULD
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13
SAMPLES TO ALL.

You are invited to send your name and address at once for a free trial sample of this great remedy, togetnsr with testimonials and full information. Full size bottle S1 at all drug stores. Address, Stuart Drug Co.,, 70 Wall Street. Atlanta. Ga WAd-als-~s .
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

Not a tailor in America had the slightest faith In the machine, and many refused even to look at 1t when Howe took 1t to their places to exhibit its workings. None would use it, for they were afraid 1t would ruin their trade. and, the popular prejudice among them continued long after its success had been demonstrated. But before
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

sweep the houses from cellar to gar ret, run errands and tend the baby when the woman of the establishment wanted to gad about.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

Lena.-The face brush reddens the checks. Out-of door exercises has It's effects. A wash of 1 teaspoonful tinc- ture benzoin and ounces rosewatap Is beneficial. Try them aiL
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13
Answers to Corresponaents.

Expectant-where one is troubled by only a few superfluous hairs as in your case. a very simple method of destroying them Is to pull them out with the tweezers, then apply ann monia to kill the roots.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

AIma--There are two causes of itching of the scalp (exclusive of dis ease and parasites). One is dandrun the other is a growth of new hair. As you say your scalp is perfectly clean, you are probably undergoing sud- den growth of new hair. Apply little vaseline to the scalp and rub it in gently. Refrain from rubbing 1t at other times. The alcohol and borax are drying, and probably intensity the annoying sensation. Shampoo with green soap instead.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

Dolores-The Boetger cure for superflous hair is harmless if you have it compounded by reliable chemist It is poisonous if taken in- formally. therefore should not be left within children's reach. It is not guaranteed permanent If your hairs are few " the remedy given to Fix pectant." The electric needle Is. ab- solutely permanent.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

"A Constant Reader."-see above answer.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

Rosalie.-Rose paste for the nails; 12 ounces oil of almond, ounces alkanet root. 1 1-2 ounces spermacetl, g drachms white wax. Melt together in a double boiler. remove from the heat. strain and beat until almost cold, adding 1 drachim altar of rose. Apply a bit to each nail with a cloth, then rub 1t in with buffer which has been dipped in the following powder: 1 ounce pure oxide of zinc, enough No. 4s carmine to tint rosy. l cannot recommend proprietary medicines through this column. A good freckIe lotion is made mixing { ounces strained honey, 1 ounce alcohol. i ounce glycerine. 3 drachms citric acid, 8 drops essence ambergris.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-11-13

Mrs. M. c. (skin food).-Melt to- gether 2 ounces sweet almond oil, 1-2 ounce white wax, 1-2 ounce sperma- ceti. Add a solution of 3-4 drachm pulverized borax in 34 ounce glycerint and 1-4 ounces orange flower water. Beat constantly while adding. and when almost hard add, dropping. i-4 drachm tincture benzoin and drop oil of nerolL.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1904-01-01
NO TAMPERING OF SHELLS,
SAYS ADMIRAL ONEILL
Denies Existence of a Plot on Part
of Anarchists to Blow Up the
Big Guns of the Navy.
EXPLAINS THE MISTAKE

WASHINGTON, Dec. 31.-Admiral NELL,
chief of the Bureau of Ordnance, has had
his attention called to a dispatch emanat-
ing from Philadelphia giving the details
Of an alleged plot of Anarchists to blow
up the big guns of warships of the Ameri-
can navy by tampering with projectiles
turned out by the Midvale steel works at
Nicetown. The plot is said to have been
discovered by the explosion of a projectile
in the company's works, which injured
several of the workmen, and which it was
found had been loaded with a high explo-
sive.
The story is denied by Admiral OfNeill
in the most emphatic manner. The only
possible thing, he said, upon which such
a dispatch could be hinged was that follow
ing the explosion at Iona island, which
resulted in the death of several men. some
shells were sent to the Midvale works to
be %rebanded, and in the midst of the de-
moralization as a consequence of the ex-
plosion and loss of life a loaded shell was
included in the lot. This was Immediately
discovered and the entire shipment re-
turned TO Iona simply to relieve the Mid
vale people of any apprehension that might
have existed in their minds as to the bal
ance. The matter was reported to the de-
partment, and the magazine men at Iona
themselves were directed TO take the plugs
from the shells. Admiral NELL insisted
that no defective materials ever have been
received from the Midvale works. Under
the system of examination of the navy,
Admiral O'Neil said that the possibility
of an Anarchist plot to tamper with shells
designed for naval ordnance was preposter-
Gus.
Following is the story which Admiral
O'Neill so emphatically denies: Secret
service agents are Investigating a mys-
FERROUS explosion which occurred in the
Midvale steel works IN Nicetown recently.
news OF which has just become public. ac-
cording to a Herald dispatch from Phila-
delphia. How the charge got into the shell
is a mystery. By some persons it is believed
TO have been the work of conspiratorS who
had in view the destruction of a battle
ship. The Midvale steel works in Nicetown
recently shipped a lot Of projectiles to Bos-
ton, where they were delivered TO the gov
eminent officials and receipted for. In
Guided in the lot were shells followed out
so they could be charged with a high ex-
plosive. Some of them were found de-
fective and were sent back to the works.
Workmen set about to examine them care
fully. One of the big shells resisted efforts
10 open it and after a couple of expert
workmen had given up the task it was de-
cided TO break 1t open. Hardly had the
heavy hammers descended when the shell
exploded. Fragments were scattered in all
directions, yet the workmen nearby were
not killed or seriously injured"
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1904-01-01
DANGER OF Clash WITH
COLOMBIA rs ABATING

WASHINGTON. Dec. 31.-State Depart
ment advices of recent date all go to show
thst the danger of a hostile clash with Co
lOmbia Is ~abating, and these. taken in con-
nection with Minister Beaupre's courteous
treatment by the Colombian officials on his
way home. tend 10 confirm the official i'm
preston here that there is now no danger
or failure 10 reach a satisfactory adjust
ment OF whatever issues may exist between
the United States and Colombia For one
thing IL appears that the seaboard States of
Colombia have come TO realize that in the
event OF hOstilities they would be the first
sufferers by contact with a naval force,
while the politicians OF BOgOta. two weeks
distant from the sea, would have little at
stake.
= II the Colombian government follows the
kdvice OF General Reyes all idea Of the
sreaking out of hOstilities between that
Ountry and the United States may be disSi-
bated- Even though the reply OF this gov
~ rnment to the note of General Reyes may
not be OF :, nature TO afford him much
comfort. he stated to-day that he would use
all the influence in his power 10 prevail upon
demonstration toward the United States. y
war with the United States. he declared,
would result only in disaster 10 Colombia
Whether or not he will submit counter
propositions to the reply of Mr.. Hay, Gem
eral Reyes is unable to say until he has re-
ceived the document and gone over ii in de-
tail He said. however, that, should his
probability T. hat he viii continue the ex-
change OF diplomatic notes with the view to
obtaining as many concessions from the
United States as possible.
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1904-01-01
GREETS
COMING OF NEW YEAR
Spiering String Quartet, Under
Prof. Bellinger, Heard-Mid-
night Tableau.

The Indianapolis Maennerchor gave a
concert and New Years eve reception last
night and the rooms of the society were
thronged until long after midnight by a
gay crowd. The Spiering String Quartet.
OF Chicago. was a leading attraction and
the work of these musicians was thorough
ly enjoyed. The chorus under the direction
of Mr.. Franz Bellinger. sang several num-
bers with fine effect. The chorus seemed
to be unusually melodious last night and
there was an organ-like quality about the
music that was rare. From the present
work of the Maennerchor much can be
expected of the jubilee that is to be given
by the society next June. Last nights was
the second concert of this winter, and in
drilling the chorus Mr.. Bellinger has proved
that he is not only a scholarly musician
but a skilled director as well. 1t has been
remarked that the Indianapolis Maenner-
Choir is a peculiarly happy illustration of
the rare instances in which the German
language and German traditions have been
preserved in this country.
After the concert the guests mingled in
a happy, noisy, throng until II O'Clock,
when the curtain arose on an deliberately
staged tableau, showing the departure Of
the old year and the dawning of the new.