The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1904-06-05
Former Newspaper Man Tells
Of Many "Cures'
He TRIED TWENTY DOCTORS
Sufferer Goes the Gait of All the Med.
ical Fads ano Sees Something
Funny in Everyone of
Them.
BY CHARLES M. SKINNER.

| IN which a man Is accustomed tc
IKE pride it Is his rheumatism He
may not have any important relatives; he
may not know his ancestors; he may be
| a mere editor as to income he may have
tastes that subject him to daily scorn
| and remonstrance but if he has rheuma-
tism he has one of the oldest and reyered
of occupations; one that he shares with
| philosophers and kings. There are per-
| sonal advantages in rheumatism, too,
| when you have it good; for instance, you
are not expected to flourish over the
| premises, putting out fires in other peo-
pies houses; you are excused from gem
eral training; the judge is easy on you
when you dodge jury duty; you escape no
end of pink teas and melodrama; you
are not led astray by dreams Of becom-
| ing an acrobat; the parson does not note
your absence from the congregation; he
expects it; you are not asked to take a
ticket for the charity ball; you won't be.
until they have rugged up machinery to
dandle you through a quadrille; and es-
pecialy, you are insured against death
until you are aged beyond belief. There
is nOInlHB like II quart OF so Oh uric
| acid in the blood to preserve your tisr
sues. We have no record anywhere Of
rheumatic subject dying young unless
he was unable to skip fast enough to
get away from an automobile and even
then the thickening of his bones and tur-
gidity of his muscles would probably
cause the coal-oil buggy to dance over
his PROSTATE form without leaving any
dents on it.
But in spite of its history and advan-
tages them, and who has acquired rheu-
matsm is apt to take 1t seriously. He
broods upon it, and takes revengeful
| Views of life. He toddles around to his
club not to enjoy his club, but merely
| to find some member into whose ears
| he can pour his tale of woe People of
| this sort are so used to rcbuffs that one
| man in a smoking car. who began to
| tell his seat mate about his liver, was
startled into silence for the rest of the
trip when the recipient of those confiden-
ees turned with a joyous smile and ex-
| claimed: Liver. That's mighty interest,"
ng Tell me all about it,"
rheumatism Develops Humorist.
| We know rheumatics who spend hours
| and days In groaning and complaining.
We know that the people who live with
| them have to undergo some hard
| establishment, therefore, to come upon a
man who has rheumatism in its poison
est form, but who finds in ii nothing
more than subject for mirth He stands
apart from himself, a laughing phioso-
| pher, and pokes fun at the doctors who
are trying to cure him. This subject Is
| a retired newspaper man. and II any
| thing ought to give resolution and en-
| durance and optimism and the Rabel-
alsian viewpoint IL is a few years eXper-
| fence in wrenching news out of unwilling
possessors of 1t. Rheumatism's wrenches
come easy after that. This new humorlst
is Edward b. Lent of Brooklyn recently
a member of the staff of the Brooklyn
Eagle, secretary of the Civi1 Service COM
mission and functionary in one or two
important boards of trade and CONNER
cial enterprises. Four years ago he be-
gan to indulge In rheumatism secretly
and timidly, as one acquires taste for
opium and tomatoes. but as the years
went on he became more and more open
in the practice. until now he takes his
rheumatism as hardened sinners take
their cocktails, at all sorts of hours and
without reference to spectators. Yet he
is conscious of the fact that the habit
may grow on him to such a degree as
TO interfere with many employments that
he has in mind. and from time to time
he asks a physician, or electrician, or a
healer, or a thought twister. or a rubber
TO see if his kinks can be taken out of
him
The results OF his experiences with
these people he has just put into a book,
which Is probably the only one of it's
kind that ever was printed, or ever will
be- unless some fellow with a gamesome
intelligence pretends to be a rheumatic
and contrives a lot of experiences that
never happened. The recital by Mr.. Lent
L.. -. ia nYNt lttN lC ~.
gloomy He punches holes through some
inflated and rather majestic theories but
his implement is oftener the scalpel of
satire than the battering ram of argu-
ment. 1t Is story of what happened to
him when he was undergoing treatment,
first by regular physicians-who he
still employs-then, experimently, and
with consent of his family and his medi-
cal adviser-by homeopathic DOCTORS
Christian Scientists. orthopedic surgeons,
hydrotherapists, men with electric bat
teries and mental batteries and goodness
knows how many more, down to the
| friend or relative who insists upon his
| trying the latest advertised quackery.
| 1t argues a noble constitution that Mr..
| Lent continues to live and laugh after his
experience. although. poor chap, the
| laughing is not so easy as 1t seems, for
| he is house ridden, moves about with diff
| fculty and a cane, can hardly turn his
| head or bend his body. and when he takes
| his broiled lobster, Welsh rabbit. cucum-
| Der, hard boiled egg and pot of porter,
| just before retiring, he has to ply his
knife and fork slowly. Until you see
him move however, you do not realize
that he has been an invalid for four
years. His smile is genuine and quzzi-
cal his eyes dance and glimmer with fun
and he salts his speech with squibs and
| oddities such as he ought to preserve for
print Probably he will strike the hap
! Ply combination some day that will re-
lease him from his pains. restore him
| to us. blithesome, ready for foot tours
and bicycle runs. Meantime he may be
serving a higher use by officiating as a
model of department and a compendium
| of most of the virtues, especitlly of cour-
| age and cheer.
Being Done Good.
| His first experience was with the regu-
| lar faculty called allonaths by the hon.
eopathists and his book, Being Done
Good" published by the Brooklyn Daily
| lIagle). contains various experiences that
| he endured at their hands with plasters
Of mustard and Spanish fly, the actual
| cautery and drugs. Learning from hard
| experience that II costs $500 to be brand
| ed by a specialist the invalid bought a
pyrograph outfit for his wife. and OBJ
served with alarm how fond she became
of her task. After the fourth lesson she
was able to put burnt wood designs upon
| him that made him long to call
| the neighbors in to admire
the resulst. Her typography
practiced on the human subject,
made 1t easy to do the work on wood