The San Francisco call., 1904-06-26
CHAPTER III.
A ROSE WITH A THORN.


During the winter and the following
summer my studies were a passion
with me. My eagerness for study and
my inexhaustible craving for books
kept me so spellbound that the nights
for sleep appeared to me like black
spokes in a fast whirling wheel. 1 was
instinctively an idler. and day dreams
were as natural to me as breathing. 1
forced myself to read and study as
siduously all day and night Ny
friends urged me to study less and give
more time to recreation. But how
could I? I realized there was so much
to learn, so much to observe, so much
to think about, and that / was so
ignorant and life was so short. And
when 1 did permit myself little res
pite in dusky twilight; wnen 1 figured
1t was cheaper to rest than to burn oil
or candles, which i could Ill afford, my
mind would Immediately turn to lit
erature. l would revel in memories of
the works of Shakespeare and Milton
and Dante and Goethe and Schiller and
Lessing and Heine and Rousseau and
Moliere and Cervantes. l was in
spired by their grandeur-and at the
same time / was humbled. To be
called a student without possessing a
thorough knowledge of literature,
philosophy. and all the sciences seemed
to me objectionable pedantry. Such
thoughts, Immediately followed by a
realization of my own insignificance
and ignorance, often drove me to de-
spair; and 1 would quickly make a
light (not minding the cost, which fire.
quently deprived me of a few meals at
the end of the month"; and proceed with
my studies more arduously than ever.
To say that 1 devoured all the books I
could get hold of is scarcely a figure of
speech. Finding myself in a library
before many tiers of books, my brain
would become dizzy from a nervous
desire to read all the books at once.
In spite OF Dolgoff's congeniality and
kindness, I soon determined that his
house was no place for me. 1 dreaded
people with secrets. So as soon as 1
found employment by which l could
earn enough for bread and butter and
tea 1 moved to a small attic from
which I looked down upon a wide ex-
panse of roofs. Small as my room was,
l enjoyed it more than if it had been a
sumptuously furnished palace. 1 loved
the noiseless hum of silence at night,
and there in my forsaken nook, with
but cot, chair, and a table, found
these comforts in all their lavishness.
OF Ephraim l saw little, and at Dol
goff's apartment 1 called rarely. The
former was too much engrossed in his
ideas and propa ganda. and the latter
was busy fabricating passports and
printing circulars, which he took pains
to keep away from me. Besides, had
made up my mind that the secret bond
between the two was such as would not
admit of investigation. From remarks
dropped now and then learned that
they belonged to a revolutionary soei-
ETY., which / had no desire to join.
At the end of the summer I was adj
mitted to the sixth grade of gymna-
sium, as Ephraim had predicted. Ny
answers to the examination questions
drew attention to me. / overheard one
of the examiners remark to another:
"A bright Jewish lad" And the record
l made at examination 1 kept up in the
classrooms. I was constantly being
commended by my instructors.
But there is no sunshine without
shadow, no rose without a thorn A
very sensitive person can never be
happy; his feelings are So tender that
the least unkindness puts him in
misery. Happiness is the lot of those
whose nerves are dull, whose brains are
heavy. whose eyes look and do not see.
Unfortunately, 1 was very sensitive
quick to see, quick to comprehend,
quick to feel.
And it was not long before felt the
prick of the thorn. My assiduous study
and native aptness for literature
brought me to the head of the class in