Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1904-04-16
CURE FOR DYSPEPSIA

partment. is baking good deal these days
when anybody happens. even inadvertently,
to mention beans to him.
For number Of years past this singu-
larly robust and fne-looking elderly man
has been prescribing for himself, and per-
mitting-nay, asking-anybody that came
along to prescribe for him.
There are few known maladies not even
excepting housemaids knee and bubonic
plague. with which he has not grappled
during the past dozen years or soto listen
to him.
None Of these maladies has ever operated
to prevent him from going out at the lunch
hour and partaking of three ham sand
Wiches, four chocolate eclairs slab of
sweet potato pie and two cups of Coffee as
little rejection to keep him a-going until
the arrival of the dinner hour; but he has
had EN- all, all the same. He says so him.
self. and he ought to know.
For years past he has been telling his fell
low-clerks that IL he should be taken of
suddenly. as he confidently expected to be
almost any old minute he had his affairs
fixed all right with the building associa-
ton and other benevolent organizations to
which he was attached.
He has fallen for gallons of all the patent
medicines known to the world at large
through the advertising pages, and for
many of them of such insignificance that
they don't advertise.
EVERY summer, years past. ne mas
gone up to the Blue Ridge for his annual
leave. taking with him trunk stuffed with
patent remedies that lie has saved up for
one grand time. He spends his month in
serting these sure thing cures into his sys-
tenn. and, such is the amazing power of
physical resistance of the man, he comes
back to his desk every time swearing that,
for the first time in years, he feels like
fOur-time winner.
About two weeks ago he received, by one
OF the Manila transports. a large round box
containing about quart and half of
queer. very dark-looking objects that re-
sembled Lima beans very much reduced in
size. They had been shipped to him by an
old fellow-clerk of the War Department,
who is now serving down in the Philippines.
On the lid of the round box was big paster
In Spanish. Accompanying the box was
letter from the sender
Dear JIM the latter ran. in essence,
I'm sending you, by the up-transport,
swell dyspepsia remedy that I've run into
down here. The pills have been known to
the friars for three hundred years, and
they're made according to recipe which
| Is a secret of the friarS. They're the great
est stomach regulator that ever happened.
I had all kinds and colors of stomach trou-
BILE when first came down here, trying to
get used to the climate and the things to
eat, but when ran across these pills l was
cured quicker than you could say Jack Rob
fnson. / rememberer how your stomach has
been bothering you all these years, and
that's why I'm sending you a box of them.
All you need is one day. Just take 1t with
a sip of water just before going out for
your lunch. Don't lie the pill dissolve in
your mouth as it has a bitter taste that
way-just swallow it whole. If this cure
don't make new man of you I'll be fiercely
mistaken"
The rugged hypochondriac was more
pleased over the receipt of that box of
Philippine pills than over anything that mas
happened to him for long time. He show
ed them around the office and the letter &C
arxrip
COMPOUNDED thoughtful and good-hearted on
the part of the old chap down in the phil
ippines tove remembered him in that way.
He swallowed one of the queer dark-look-
ing things before going out to lunch on the
very day the box arrived and before nan
past four o'clock that afternoon he vowed
and declared that he was beginning to feel
better already.
He took one of them day with religious
promptitude, just before the lunch hour,
and every day he told his fellow clerks
that if his Improvement continued as rap
idly as it had begun he'd be challenging
Jim Jeffries before the arrival of the first
of May.
One day last week a bronzed young lieu
tenant just back from the Philippines,
came swinging into the robust hypochon-
driac's office. The man of many ailments
was on chummy terms with the lieuten-
ant. having done the young fellow a lot
of little favors in connection with his COM
mission and assigning him.
II guess that's a bad dyspepsia remedy
those friar fellows down in the Philippines
have for dyspepsia, said the division chief
to the young lieutenant, exultantly. Never
saw anything like those pills in my life
they've absolutely fixed me fit to whip my
| weight in wildcats inside of the week or
ten days that I've been using EN-. AmaZ-
ing things. call EN-
"A remedy of the friars for dyspepsia.
eh?' said the young lieutenant. odd thing
l never heard of that. and the dyspepsia
had me pretty bad down yonder for a while.
| too Let's the things ~
The rugged hypochondriac pulled open
drawer Of his desk and drew out the cher
ished "ox of pills, The lieutenant looked
at IL. m for only one-eghth of a second
and then he gave his thigh slap and fell
back with a roar.
why, man. he bawled, "tthose things
are nothing but frijoles!'
All of the other clerks, laughing. gather
ed around
"Frijoles nothing" growled the division
chief with so many things ailng him. stop
your fooling. They're medicine, and they're
absolutely fixed up for life"
We'll, they're the best thing to eat i'm
the way of beans that I've seen since I
left the 1slands-gee, but L wouldn't mind
lieutenant
Say, look a-here kid" said the robust
hypochondriac to the young lieutenant.
quit this nonsense. If you swallow four
of those things at once, such is their slim
| ulating effect you'd be put out of bust
ness"
want me to prove that they're frijoles p"
inquired the lieutenant, containing himself
with an effort
You can't do 1t, sukily replied the diyi-
sion chief
The lieutenant sent out for a saucepan
He half filed the saucepan with water.
set the pan on a small gas stove used by
one or the women clerks to heat tea, and
then. to the acute pain of the old division
chief dumped the whole box full of friars'
dyspepsia remedy Into the pam He went
out and attended to some business then
and by the time he returned, a couple of
hours later, the frfjoles were nicely boiled
and soft all through. The lieutenant Dor
rowed salt and pepper from woman clerk
and then, with borrowed spoon, he sat
down with the saucepan beside him and
licked up the whole mess Of frijoles, smack
ing his lips. and declaring that he hadn't
mad anything taste so good since he left
Mindanao.
The word beans has been on the index
expurgatorious In that division chiefs Of
fice ever since.