The news & observer. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1894-current, 1904-04-10
THE INIMITABLE WIT AND
PATHOS OF PAT WINSTON
Unequal Distribution of Wealth and Hair Whales
Sharks and Suckers. Threat to Macadamize
Road With Mr.. Stone

and humor as the late Patfick H. w III
ston. His repartees, anecdotes and drol
humor have been current almost oven
the entire country.
THE NEGRO AND THE PIG.
One day in the court room the solicitor
was taken sick, and requested Pat to
take charge of the case for him. 1t was
a case of larceny, a negro charged with
stealing a pig. Pat had no facts to speak
from, but with fine dramatic effect he
made the following speech: Gentlemen
of the Jury: This is a case of larceny
"a negro charged with stealing a pig. AS
you know gentlemen of the jury, there
are three elements in cases of this sort
the bill OF Indictment. the negro and the
pig. Here is the bill of indictment
(waving the paper dramatically in his
hand); thsre is the niger. CATER q
solemn pause), now where is the PIC:
Gentlemen, take the case; it is too plain
to argue" The jury brought in a YER
diet of guilty.
THE UNEQUAL DISTRIBUTION OF
WEALTH.
During a convention of Democrats,
Populists and Silver Republicans in
Spokane, Wash, Pat was addressing the
crowd, pouring oil on the troubled waters
and getting ali his forces into line for
political victory. He was carrying
everything before him, when a wild-eyed,
hushy-haired, full-bearded, bowling Popu-
list rushed forwar to the platform
shook his fist at the speaker and shouted,
Il am tired OF your glittering general
ties. l wish to know how YOU stand on
the great questions of today Pat
leaned forward, bringing his bald-head
and clean-shaven face within foot of
the mountain of hair before him: and
when the convention listened with eager
stiffness, in his blandest man
rcr, said: We'll, my friend,
what questions do you wish
me TO explain?' II wish you to explain
to this convention the unequal distribu
ton OF wealth." shouted whiskerando.' II
will do so with a great deal of pleasure
said Pat, his bald-head and smooth face
shining with merrment, but my
friend, will you first explain to this con
vention the unequal distribution Of hair. ,
Whiskerando dropped as if shot, and the
convention rolled over and roared and
rolled over for hall an hour.
HOUSE AND MORTGAGE BURNED
On one occasion when Pat was away
from home the news came tina: his house
had been burned. Everybody heard it be-
fore Pat, who was out in the country
The crowd gathered on his return to tel
him the news and express their sympathy
and hear what he had to- say. AS he
walked into the crowd. one of the boys
said to him, well, Pat, your house is
bosAned" "Well, 1 hope the mortgage
on il is burned, too he replied.
SUCKERS EVERYWHERE.
On another occasion company of Bos-
ton capitalists was visiting Tacoma,
Washington, with view to buying real
estate and developing the city into a
great seaport. A banquet was served at
the leading hotel, and Pat Winston was
selected as the chief orator of the occa-
sion to set forth the unrivaled advant-
ages of Tacoma. He was doing so with
great eloquence, when, in the midst of
his speech some over-enthusiastic Taco
man, looking out of the window upon
the harbor. and seeing q small fish blow
ing water into the air, called to Pat
Look, Colonel: look at the whale in the
harb1r. Tell them about our whales AS
quick as flash Pat exclaimed. waving
his hand first at the harbor and next at
the real estate spectators seated around
him, and finally at the Boston investors,
Yes. gentlemen. there is no place on earth
like Tacoma. We have here whales in
the harbor, sharks on the avenue and
suckers EVERYWHERE
INDUSTRIES OF SPOKANE.
Some one in North Carolina wishing to
move to Spokane wrote and asked him
what were the leading industries of
Spokane The following reply came:
There are only two industries in Spo-
lame: Grand larceny. and petit larceny
"CUFFNEILs.
Both Pat and his father were admirers
of great geniuses. His father once
bought q small plantation, mainly be-
cause it had formerly been the property
of James Iredell. The place was named
by Iredel "Cuffnells.' Pats father had
been much troubled in providin.; negro
tenants for "Cuffnells,' and the Place had
on this account become quite improbable;
but the elder Winston held to it and
would frequently refer to t in CONVERSE
tion. One day on the streets of Wind
sor, while sitting in crowd talking
about men and things. Mr.. Winston re-
marked to Pat: Henry, have YOU ever
read the Life and CORRESPONDENCE Of
James Iredell.'" mo said Pat. "Well
you should do So You know Mr. Iredell
once lived in this county. You will find
in his life and Corrospondenoe' lettere
written by him and dated at Cuffnells .
"Do you mean,' said Pat, ''your place
out here. where Won have So much
trouble with negroes" 'syes tho same.
u is named Cuffnclls." said the rld gov
tleman. carefully smelling it out. well"
said Pat. 'I think you have sneled if
wrong. Tt should be 'Cuffeenels''
PAT AND THE BULLY.
While driving one day through the min
ing regions in Idaho, along a narrow road
not wide enough for two vehicles Pats
buggy come full against the team driven
by noted bully desperate, named Stone.
Pats driver began to quake in his knees.
in mortal terror of the well-known bully.
Stone arose from his seat and shouted
out, How dare you drive against me?