Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1904-08-05

>~~~e
Doctor Holmes. being asked by a
young physician what sign to put on
his door, replied: 1.-The smallest few
ers gratefully received"
Mrs. Smith-My husband has been
enjoying very poor health of late.
Mrs. Brown-How fortunate that he
can enjoy it! Very few people do.
A juryman being asked by the
judge If he ever read the papers. re-
piled: Eyes, your honor; but if you'll
let me go this time, I'll never do so
any more"
Patience-See how yellow her hair
is; and it used to be brown. Patrice
Yes; she's been using one of those
yellow journals to make curl papers.
-Yonkers Statesman.
'He had play produced by an
amateur company the other night,
believe. Who was the hero of it. do
you knows" II was one. l sat
through t."-Philadelphia Ledger.
A little Maine girl came to her
mother one morning and said: Nam
ma, don't feel very WELL" well.
that's too bad" said mamma; where
do you feel the worst?' I'm school,"
was the prompt reply.
"An elephant must be a pretty ex-
pensive animal" Yes, wish l had
enough money to buy one" What
do you want with an elephant?" II
don't. merely expressed a wish for
the money."-Philadelph Press.
She (angrily)-Sir, l understand you
said l had face that would stop
clock. He (calmly)-So 1 did. Any
well-regulated clock would pause and
hold up its hands in admiration at
sight Of your lovely face.-St. Louis
Star.
Husband (who had been out West
on business, and left his wife some
blank checks)-Mary, 1 find you have
considerably overdrawn at the bank.
Mary-Nonsense, John, how can that
be? I've two of those blank checks
left yet.
Mrs. Jenks-Are you perfectly sat-
istied with your new dress? Mrs.
Speitz-Yes, indeed. The man l love
best thinks it's beautiful, and the
woman I love least has pretended to
} turn up her nose at it.-Philadelphia
Ledger.
: A cowardly fellow, having kicked a
newsboy for Fostering him to buy an
evening newspaper, the lad waited till
another boy accosted the gentleman"
and then shouted in the hearing of the
bystanders: Its no use to try him,
Jim, he can't read"
"Sometimes," said the poet, II am
almost afraid that 1 take myself too
seriously" 'Oh, we'll, never mind, )"
replied his kind-hearted friend,
there's no harm done if you do.
Everybody else regards you as a
ioke"-Chicago RecordHerald.
Here is a peculiar advertisement
which recently appeared in Brisbane
paper: ermanent.-Wanted, man
to look after one horse and few
l COWS and pigs. One who can impart
the rudiments Of French, singing and
y the piano to children preferred
), 'I'd like to have your check for that
little midnight supper 1 served al
your house last month"; said the
. caterer. You'll have to wait until
,, get the doctors bill for curing me OF
= indigestion," replied the victim. THAT
comes off your bill" l."-Philadelphia
Press.
= 81 know what you've come here
for" said little Willie; you're going
, to ask my sister to be your wife
- "Oh! Why do you think SOP "'Cause
n 1 heard her tellin' ma she was goin
: to git you in a corner tonight anc
4 make you say it:''-Chicago Record
J. Herald.
o Moose Meadow Sheriff-Yes, that:
IS Spike Moran, alias Big Eddy, ALA:
s Jim Thornton, alias Kid McDuff. He'i
O a burglar Stranger-But why do yol
let him live here? Sheriff-Jest to ia
up the census. We put him in th'
directory under each name. you see
e Judge.
= Don't be too quick to strike an
b other, my boy" said the kindly OH
) man, who had interrupted the fight
always count ten before you do ii
? and them" "Yeh,' replied tn
y boy, contemptuously, "an' den it'll b
), de referee dat'll be countin' ten OF
e "-Philadelphia Press,
g Jennie's mother was expecting com
pany, but just before train time
l. telegram arrived which read: "Misse'
J. train. Will start at same time to
r morrow" Jennie rushed home fron
e school expecting to see the guest, bu
II instead was shown the message. Aft
e er reading it laboriously and careful
It " through, she exclaimed: why
e mamma, if she starts at the same tim
5. tomorrow, she will miss the trail
E again"
- Stage Fright and Self-Consciousnes