The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-10-13
PILGRIM JOE.
His Pain AIIeviator Continues to Hit
the Spot.

AS I was maxim my way westward
lords the enterprisin' town of Stop
Here. havin' the long green in my
pocket and clear conscience behind
my vest, I met up with a female
whose appearance showed that she
was a damseI in distress. 1 don't know
whether a woman fOrty-fiVe years old
can be a damsel or not, but / gave this
one the benefit of the doubt and treat
ed her accordingly. She was hurryin
in the direction of Fox creek when
she crossed my path, and her hair
was flynn and her tears fallin'-
whittier away, thou fair one of the
willowy form % 1 hailed as she stopped
TO look at me-
AS for the willowy form. it wasn't
there She was built more on the
lines of a sawlog than bendin' will
Ter, but in addressin' a female 1 allus
speak in the softest, slickest manner.
Words don't cost nuthin', and a lit
tie f1attery sometimes saves a woman's
heart from breakin'. Therefore, as she
stood with streamin' eyes l smiled in
a fatherly way and continued:
'Dost chase the bluebell or butter
cup to his bower, dear one2"
Il go to my death, old mani" she
answered, as she throwed up her arms
in despair and sunk down on the bios
som-kivered turf. Yes. 1 am maxim
a Decline fur the creek to drown my
self and be at rest
And is it a sorrer of the heart %
She be. The man to whom 1 gave
my young and tender love has turned
out to be a villain. He has chucked
me outdoors, that he may marry some
younger and fairer damsel. The
chuckin' took place only half an hour
ago.
''Leavin' the language of poetry out
of the matter, your old man has
bounced you out, has he?"
He has, and he says that if I re-
turn he VIII bury me meath the black
jack tree He's been crowdin' of me
fur the last three months. but only to-
day did he give me the chuck"
And where in all this land would
he match that form-that face-that
dove-like disposition ?" I asked in
seemin' earnestness. 81 have travelled
back and forth across this Territory
ten times. sellin' my Pain AIleviator
and speakin' words of consolashun to
the sorrerin', but never have 1 beheld
greater treasure clothed in kaliker."
Old man, dye mean it?'' she asked,
as her grief galloped away all of a sud-
den and she took a c1user look at me.
1 lied. 1 said l did. If men didn't
lie like blazes to the other sex half the
happiness of the world would be gone.
She knowed I lied, but it pleased and
tickled her jest the same, and she was
almost smilin' as she said:
We'll, mebbe I won't drown myself.
but it's hard to be chucked out o. ones
house and home and feel your heart
breakin' with grief. When I think of
another damsel taIin' my place-a dam
sci with red hair and a turn-up nose
q damsel Nho'll burn the bacon in the
1ryin' and harden her heart when Joe
is lonely and signs fur old Missoury-
then-then-''
let her weep fur a few minits be-
kase weepin' allus does a female good,
and then 1 asked what sort of critter
her old man was. When she described
him as a lop-shouldered, knock-k need
son of leisure. with an ambishun to sit
in fence corner and read poetry while
his wife did the plowin', I figgered out
that he had got to have three doses in
one to cure him. 1 therefore observed:
"Wouldst rule the rOost and keep 9TH
.eT hens out and make-that Joseph of
yours believe he has one of the treas
ures of earth?''
You bet I wouldsti' she replied with
great vigor, but alas! l was born with
a speerit of meekness and humility and
am no kicker. When Joe took me by
the hair and ran me out I could only