The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1904-09-14
The Old Man Calls It til Cutest
Littl,le Campaign on Record ord
Chatting Dish Slippers Instead
Of Barbecues - Rip-Roarin'
Fire Eaters Turned Into Ca
nary Birds.
BY Henry NJ. Hyde.

'.Thls IL the cutest little campaign
ivirs saw" said old man Hogan. ''l'vry-
body on both sides Is jest asAsWeet as
they can be an there Amt enouEhshar-r-d
feelin's bechune thin to supply wnh
meetin' av tn Universal Peace u $50
citation. 'Pitchfork Bin Tlman has laid
aside his customary weapons an IS
usin' a hat pin an Uncle Joe cannon
Is chewin. fine cut instead. nv plug TO-
bacco-th' latter bein' too coarse an un-
ladyllke for TIL purposes av tn pndln
struggle.
"All TIL old war-r-r horses have been
thraded off for Shetland ponies that amt
afraid av tn throlley car-r-s an ARE
perfectly safe for child toS drive. IN
dogs av war-r-r are wearin' 1rluz1les an
nothin' more savage than a rat-terrier
Is allowed to walk out EXCEPT, on n chain.
''Insttd av rallyin tn unwashed an
unterrified to attind a GRAND barbacue
with three whole steers asted IN tn
open air an twinty barrels avibeer' on tai
eth Dimmycrats nr-r-e sindin out invita-
tons to chafin' dish suppers, to be
follyed be TIL singin' av q tinor solo I:
an TIL distribution av limonade an
lady-fngers.
''1nstid nv tn bloody shirt TIL Raypub--
licans ar-r-e wavn' lace handkefchiefs
an OIIcIlT prizes lOE III sDlSetsASSoAotSu
baby carriage in their paSrades. q
''All TIL candydates ar-r-c actin like
lovely young gints-nivlr for minute
forgetin' their manners an dom amy
thing rude. Hinnery G. Davis has been
disportin himself among tn summer ray
sorts av Virginia. leadin' III german an
maxim other plays for the foreign vote.
though It's said his f1ggers have been
somewhat disa ppointn' to tn treasurer
av tn campaign committay. Charley
Fairbanks has had q mile an half ay&
his photographs took be movin'Dicture
man. him bein' in the act aY5 kissin' his
hand to youth sweet young thing!
Hereafter. unthil tn campaigns over,
Charley'll be wan av TIN supper-show
attractions at tn polite an rayfined van
dyvile theatres, along with tn moyins
pictures av tn Munroe-J efrries prize fight
an other similar pleasin' sinsations.
Judge Par-r-ker has been holdin' an q e.
thernoon rayception to tn Numbers av chi
Dlmmycrnt Chorus Girls Campaign Club
an Presidunt Roos-felt is doln' notfin'
more strenuous than dictatn litthle
pink notes TO Sekitary Loeb an playin'
ing-round-the-rosy with chubby ltthle
Kermit s.
'5"Aw! 'Tis Jest lovely! An the cam
paign orathors ar-r-e afflicted tn same
way.
"whin sInitor Joe Bailey, av Texas
used to go campaignin' fire come out
av his eyes. ears. nose, an mouth, de-
vastatin tn, Jimmy an blastin' all tn
vegetation within tn, sound nv his voice.
Vote fer tn Ra5publican, he'd yell.
AN destroy TIL raypublic! Vote for him
an bring ruin an disgrace to this fair
land! Vote for hin,-but If you do nivir
again dare to look an honest man in
the fare!'
Thin he'd jump up into TIL air an
crack his heels togither an tn Sug-
ence'd rise on its hind legs an give thu
rebel yell.
But now sinitor Joe gifts up with a
sad. sweet smile on his face an tube
rose in his button-hole.
"'Th' honored candydate av tn oppo-
sitlon.' he says, Is dear, sweet young
felly. If 'twasn't for his :tunrortunateS
taste for takin' lunch with brunettes, tn
chlvalry av tn south'd have no fault
to find with him. An mebbe,' r. he says.
he'll outgrow that in time.
"'Tts tn same way with thin rip
roarin. hell-snortin', rampagin', old
Republican spelbinders, like Grandpa
Grosvenor, av Ohio.
I'm TIL lasht two campaigns grandpa'd
break TIL speakers table to pieces with
blows av his fist chase tn prominunt
citizens of tn platform an scare rail
road thrains off th'&track with his yllls !
av dayflance an Indignation.
but now he spakes In soft an gintle
whispers, like a bushin. young glr-r-l
readin' her graduatin' essay.
Judge PARKER he says, is n
charmin' an lovely character. i'rwould 4
be cruel to drag him away from tn, 4
flowers an vines at Rosemount TO min
gle with lar-r-ge, coarse politicians who
ar-r-e lookin' for Jobs at TIL White
House. Ss.
9TH only bad break SO far has been
made be Champ Clark av Missouri He
thought fer a minute he was takin'5
pnr-r-t in a real political campaign ant
threatened to cut q la-a-d's throat from
earfto ear fer interruptln' his spoache
Thaggart promptly apologlzed8
for him. howiyir, an stint Champ back 4
to tn Ozarks, where they sthill pick
their teeth with bowie knives an ar-r-e5
able to appreciate HARMLESS bit av
innocint pleasantly.
"Evin tn campaign committees are
bein as polite an ladylIke as II they
were runnn' a prize yotn' contest to
pick out tn Queen ay Beauty for the
sthreet fair.
Z Chairman lnaeeaFt& mas succeeded IN
hrln' at lar-r-ge explnse tWinty-four
DARN assistants who ar-r-o now engaged
in readin' tn complete wrItins in prose
an verse av Theodore Roosevelt. Al
rlddy they have discovered that at wan
time tn distinguished author dayscrIbed
TIL lynchin av a horse thief by a bunch
ay cowboys In Montana, thus provin' that
at heart tn President Is In favor av
burnln' niggers at tn stake,
"chairman Cortillyou2is s!ttin UP nights
engaged In perusin MI tn coort de-
cisions handed down be Judge PARKER
since he was first ellcted Justice aY tn
Peace, An imminse scnsa ton has been Gre
nted he III alarmn' discovery that vance
TIL Judge dayclded a case against q Jew,
thus dimonstrati tin that he Is tn sworn
lnimy av tn Hebrew race.
Thin ar-r-e tn two leadin' isshes av
tn campaign up to TIL prisunt momlnt.
An lathcr therell BIO moro av tn same
kind.
lon page two hundred an wan ay
Roosevelt's War-r- nv 1912 there ar-r-eT
tin dashes an slyinteen exclamation