Willmar tribune. [volume] (Willmar, Minn.) 1895-1931, 1904-03-16

On that one point at least we are not
likely to disasree-it is high time to
dc something to let our subscribers feel
that thu are getting their moneys
worth. Whatever that something is,
it oiNsht to be big-something that
shall strike at the throne of En-
gland itself, and set every other
throne in Europe trembling; some
thing that will delight our friends and
terrify our enemies, and set all the
rest of the silly world agape like a
it. Listen! This jubilee, that is SO
soon to come off, has done our cause
incalcuable damage; it has sent sweep
ing to the very ends Of the world such
a wave Of loyalty to the throne as per-
haps has never passed over our planet
before Even that unutterable monkey
on stick, and poser of pOsers, who
so loves to play at soldiers, and have
his portrait taken in uniform-the en-
peror of Germany-sits securer on his
throne today because of the jubilee in
England. 1t has strengthened the po-
sition of monarchism immensely, and
has put back the day of democracy by
a good so years. The picturesqueness
of the thing and the sentiment OF it
the queens being woman and
widow, and all that-have turned the
heads of even thoughtful people, and
it wouldn't surprise ME if jubilee day
saw even the staid members of this
council waving their hats and yelling
themselves hoarse with the rest of the
populace.
We'll. sen,lemen to come to bust
ness. The Strand, as some OF you
know, is to be decorated with festoons
of colored celluloid balls stretched
across the road. This will look pretty
in daylight, and prettier at night, as
each ball is really an electric lamp,
and when they are all lit up the effect
will be splendid. I've taken certain
house in the Strand for the occasion.
I've engaged it for the night before the
jubilee and for jubilee night as we'll,
so that people that are nervous about
the crowd land l expect the crowd
won't be a bad second to the Day of
Judgment in the point OF numbers)
can sleep there before and after the
event, and so see the show in comfort
And if any of you want to see some
thing more exciting than the show,
think can promise it, and l shall be
happy to reserve seats. I've rented
the roof of the house with the rest Of
it, and when it is quite dark l shall go
up there on the night before the jubi-
lee. shall take with me certain cell
luloid ball, which looks exactly like
those used for decorative purposes, but
which in reality contains a deadly
bomb, 50 constructed that the slightest
conclusion will explode it. One end OF
the wire rope supporting the festoons
Of celluloil balls is secured to the roof
OF the house l have taken. This wire
rope l shall undo, and slip my own
celluloid bomb ball upon it, letting
the thing slide down till it reaches the
slackest part of the rope, which will,
over the middle of the road There
will be too much going ON below for
any one to notice that one of the man.
festoons along the Strand happens to
have an extra ball; and if they do no.
tice it they'll only suppose that it is
one that has got out of it's place.
Well, when the show passes shall be
on the roof with pair of sharp steel
pincers, and at the precise moment
when the queen, surrounded by the
royal princes, is passing under the
festoons, l snip the wire, the bomb
falls, and then-well, then / guess we
snuff out the entire royal family at one
wipe. How's that for high, gentle
men? l rather flatter myself it's pref
ty. Anyhow, it'll be the biggest and
the tidiest thing in the way Of a royal
assassination that history can show
II you want me to put the thing
through, say the word, and I'm your
man. l guess it'll bring the subscrip-
tons in at such a rate that we shall
all be able to chuck conspiracy and re-
tire into private life to spend the
pieces. What do you say, gentlemen?
There's no need for us to say any
thing sneered Councillor Number
Five, who seemed determined to main
tain an attitude of opposition to every
thing that Number Two had proposed.
You talk big enough for houseful
yourself. Don't you think all this
blowing off would sound more to the
purpose after the event than before it?
Even a hen doesn't cackle till She
laid an egg
If you have formed any plan for
striking blow which is more likely to
startle the world and to induce SUBJ
scriptions, replied Number Two, cold
ly, Il shall be happy to withdraw my
proposal"
II thought not" he went on when
Number Five shook his head, then in
that case perhaps you will yourself
undertake the carrying out of the plan
which 1 have had the honor TO submit
to the council"
He stopped as he spoke, and lifting
the brown bag, of which mention has
already been made, opened it, and TAX
ing out a red cellulOid ball he held it
at arms length to Number Five, who