Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1904-04-22

| Bell BOY (0utSlQe or room S0(-Say,
the gas is escaping in there. Country
man Inside of room .55)-No, it amt:
locked the Goor-Ex.
Mother-Johnny Jones, did you get
that awful cold out skating? Son
Mother, I think l caught it washing
my face yesterday morning.
Chumply-I don't know whether I
ought to take your daughter from her
fathers roof. Her Father-She doesn't
live on the root. Philadelphia Bulle-
tin.
| 81 say, Broomr' "Call me by my
whole name, If you please. 1t has a
handle to it, and it was meant to be
used, SIR" '.That's so. Well, Broom
handle, how are you2"
Curioso-Your name is Ephraim, is
you that name? Modestus-I don't
know for certain, but I suspect it was
because I was boy.-Boston Tran
script.
women claim that the way to get
on with a man is to give him plenty
Of nicely cooked food" "Wel," an
swered Sirius Barker, irritably, "why
don't some Of them try it?''-Washing-
ton Star.
A Great Debt: Bragg owe moth
ing to any man. Newitt-Oh, yes, you
do. Bragg-No, sir! Newitt-Oh, yes.
You owe an apology to every man who
has to listen to you blow.-Philadel-
phia Press.
Improvement at the Gas Office: did
you have any luck when you went to
! complain about the gas bill?" Better
luck than last month";" answered Mr..
| Meekton; "the man didn't laugh this
| time."-Ex.
Magistrate (sternly)-Didn't I tell
you the last time you were here I nev-
er wanted you to come before me
| again? Prisoner-Yes, sir, but I
couldn't make the policeman believe
i it.-New Yorker.
Funny about Ralston wanting his
former wife to get divorce from her
! second husband so that they might get
married again" "Not very. He's al
ways been falling in love with other
mems wives."-Ex.
Daily Guide to Flattery: If there is
something on the table that the
| hostess knows is SO badly cooked that
she feels bored about it, ask for more
and eat it with the greatest apparent
| relish.-Baltimore American.
/ "Have you any taste for Thacke-
ray?" asked Mrs. Oldcastle. "No.
can't say that I have" replied her
hostess: ''is that anything like this
paprika they're putin in everything
now ?''-Chicago Record Herald.
What he Would Rather Have Ex-
pressed Differently: Gushing Lady
| Oh, but Mr.. Jones, I should love to be
| beautiful-even If for only half an
hour! Jones but you wouldn't
like the coming back again!-Punch.
Conductor-Au aboard! Please get
aboard quickly, Miss; the train is
about to start Young Lady-But I
wish to kiss my sister goed-by. Con-
ductor-Get aboard, get aboard; I'll
attend to that for you.-Yale Record.
"Coal vases?" said the hardware
merchant. Eyes, SIR Something
nicely japanned?" "No, sir" said the
| customer, man with fierce musta che
and a foreign accent; haven't you
something IN Russia ?'-Chicago
Tribune.
How to Hold Actors: "It always
makes me mad to talk to an actor. He
pretends to listen politely, but his at
tention is wandering all the time. Ever
notice it," "No. I always talk to
| them about themselves ."-Philadel-
pbia Ledger.
Owner Of Fishpond Ito man who is
respassing)-Don't you see that sign,
mo fishing here? Angler-Yes, and
I dispute it. Why, there's good fish
ing here. Look at this basketful. The
man must have been mad who put
that board up.
1T was only five years ago that I
started in with our firm at five dollars
a week." said Bragg, ''and now 1 earn
| fifty a week without any trouble"
''Thats so; it's easy to earn that" re-
piled hewitt, ''but how much do you
t?"-Philadelphia Press.
Ida-I don't believe Mr.. Smart be-
lieves my handkerchiefs are linen.
May-Why not? Ida-I told him I
had my pin money wrapped in my
handkerchief and lost it. He said
there was great deal of money lost
/ in cotton these days.-Chicago News.
| Tommy -morrow's your birthday,
amt If map I wiSht I had a dollar.
I'd buy you present Ma-That's
thoughtful of you, my dear. But why
do you need dollar? Tommy-'Cause
that's the price Of it. It's the dandi-
est catcher's mask you ever saw
Philadelphia Press.
| Fond Mother don't know what to
do. I want to send my daughter to
college, and yet I don't want to send
| her into the world unprotected. Wise