davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17
The
REV. ARD of an OPTIMIST
Fables for the Foolish by Nicholas Memo

James down and out in the first round.
Diogenes was the reverse Of H. HoOl-
igan in every particular. He was the
sort Of man who is always looking for
a hot wave in the summer and howl
ing blizzard on the warmest winter day.
When other men put on their good
clothes and sailed forth to enjoy their
little day of happiness, Diogenes sat
at home and hugged his troubles and
made cold, unfeeling remarks anent the
exceeding brevity of human life and
the swiftness with which mortal pleas
ures pass away. 1t is suspected that
he had been fed on breakfast food in
his infancy, with the result that his
nature had become permanently
warped and soured. The only position
for which he seemed to be eminently
qualified by nature and temperament
was that of stamp clerk in the post
office; it is quite likely that he could
have filed such a place in manner
calculated to turn other stamp clerks
who were only moderately unpleasant
a deep green with envy.
The theory that is expounded above
found something which slightly re-
sembled confirmation in the case of II.
Hooligan and Diogenes. The former
was the right hand man at every
church sociable within his jurisdiction.
When a man was wanted to stand on
the hurricane deck of cold and heart
less icecream freezer while the guests
were blasting the night air upstairs
with drop the handkerchief" ''postOf-
fee" and other frivolous pastimeS, II.
Hoolgan was elected without a dis
senting vote. At dances he was al
ways selected on account Of his cheer
fulness Of disposition to keep the ladies
from whom the first bloom Of youth
had more or less disappeared from
rubbing the flowers off the wallpaper.
Whenever any one was wanted to stay
after at the office to get the letters
into shape for the next days steamer
II. Hooligan was always the man for
the money, because he was so good
natured.
While he was thus spreading Joy and
happiness among his fellow-men by
taking all the disagreeable work off
their shoulders. Diogenes was pursuing
his hard and unsympathetic way, un-
touched by-or for-the joys and sor-
rows of his kind. Every one knew that
he was a disobliging brute of man,
so he was never asked to dance with
any but the newest and freshest buds,
and the man who would have asked
him to foregather with an icecream
freezer would have put his life in dead
ly jeopardy-not from Diogenes, but
from the knowing ones who were
aware of that gentleman's disinclina-
ton to do anything that any one
else wanted him to do. 1t was the
same way at the Office; because ne was
recognized as the possessor OF the
champion long-distance crouch of the
place the heads of the firm would as
soon have thought of asking the Office
boy to earn his salary as to have ex-
pected Diogenes to go out of his way
for the firm. In order that he might
not be dissatisfied with his work he was
given an extra long vacation and had
his pay boosted up twice as often as
any one else, so that the firm might
not be suddenly deprived of his inval-
liable services.
In the course Of time he came to be
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17
SCHOOLING APART FROM SCHOOLS

might from human intercourse. The
men and women with whom we are
associated often say things worth
treasuring up in our minds. Bits of
wisdom, of counsel, of knowledge can
be cleaned from almost all the ad-
dresses in public assemblages, yes,
even from sermons. Develop, then,
the acquisitive habit; study your COM
panions and your casual acquaintances
from the point of view of what you
may learn from them.
And this human intercourse may
make you better as well as wiser. As
you see how steadily some men carry
themselves in great crises, as you see
this or that admirable quality in them
you may gain a hint touching your
own behavior and the mastery of your
own life. But what can l learn when
most Of my companions are my in
feriors in manners and morals?" Such
a situation may develop another class
of desirable qualities. To live peace
ably with some men calls for a large
supply of self-control. To labor har-
moniously with them requires tact and
forbearance. To help lift them up to
your level demands an output of per-
sonality and a sacrifice of self which
will always react beneficially upon YOU
Appreciate, then, the educational op-
portunities apart from the schools. Re-
member that the final difference be-
tween an unintelligent, uneducated
man and man Of culture is not that
one has not a college degree while the
other has. but that one has ceased to
grow while the other Is ever pressing
eagerly on to know more and to be
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17
By the Parson

body of useful facts respecting the
flowers. the rocks, the stars and the
creatures of the air. There are books
such as Mrs. Dana's How to Know the
Wild Flowers" and "The Birds Path
finder" which place the information Of
authorities at the disposal of the ordi-
nary reader. Use your own eyes and
ears, too, and they will grow more att
tentive and discerning.
And speaking of books, how great
an educational opportunity Is afforded
to every man in these days of cheap
and many publications. One needs
only to select some worthy line of
reading and follow it persistently, il
only for fifteen minutes day, in order
to become in due season intelligent
with reference to some period OF his
tory, some group of Biographies or
profitable essays or some school of
poetry or fiction.
Never were SO many public advan-
tages accessible to the citizen. Lii
braries art libraries and museums are
multiplying all over the land and those
in charge Of them seek to make them
continually more serviceable to aver
age men and women. Correspondence
schools, too, are looming large on the
horizon. BY connecting himself with
one of them man fifty miles from the
railroad on some lonely ranch. per-
haps, may, little by little, attain to
proficiency in some branch of general
knowledge or of applied science.
Contact with men Is a mighty edu-
Gator. We do not get half what we
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17
QTMEo~ws ORA KrTYIEz$$%25gSg2r W. 1gy

- EOPLE are ike the weather Soft snap or cold
& snap. Which are your
L When takes joke he often passes Il
along without properly ndOrsing it.
se-f-made takes so much pride in telling how
he started life on half-dOllar and country road
You never catch married man airing his opinions
Of women Chat is, if wiley be around.
Society does seem to have much use for the old
man-except to pay The bills
It takes two to make bargain. but only one ever
gets the worth Of his money.
Some people are like rear tenements-never know
when they full
When woman gets the social ambition bee in her
bonnet hubby might well meekly fold his little
and prepare for the worst
Love at first sight often lives just about long enough
TO wish It had been born blind.
People like vegetables, of various varieties. Hot
house growth forced growth garden variety and barn
yard species with the basso of the rooster, the high
treble Of the hens and the chorus of ducks and geese
There is so much satisfaction in being able to fool
the real wise guy.
rNorean glF4s always noe tneir races When thcy
appear the streets. There chorus girls in
Korea.
Hate is love with the lever reversed.
You never can tell what mother-in-aw or an auto
bebusy viii do until they out to get busy.
A Congressman 70 whom coat of whitewash will
not stick lacks sticking qualities.
II some people got all that coming them, if
would be diamond ti-ra-ras.
It looks II the sassy little Japs would make junk
shop way of there Russhin old iron sales
When fellow recklessy signs his choice
and elaborate assortment Of kisses its dollars dough-
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17
By Keith Gordon

"'She certainly is good-looking in a
dreadfully noble manner" the young
matchmaker thought to herself as she
revolved schemes for bringing the two
together, but 1 suppose Billy admires
that type. And she doesn't pinch her
feet or her waist. Obviously, she was
made for Billy"
At the dinner party which she gave
soon after for that particular, though
unexpressed, purpose of bringing them
together, Billy took Miss Blair out. She
was a tall, handsome girl, with dark,
serious eyes and smooth, heavy hair.
Before the first course had disappeared
Billy had discovered that she and life
took each other seriously, and he had
an uncomfortable feeling, when her Sc
rious gaze fell upon him, that he was a
trivial sort Of fellow after all. When
she asked for his views upon municipal
reform, he was sure Of Ii. He was as
confused and nonplused as If a canary
bird had suddenly begun to bark.
For years he remembered that dinner
with a sort Of horror. He and Miss
Blair, it seemed to him afterward, had
worked like galley slaves, discussing
all the knotty problems Of the day.
Around them were lightness, gayety
and laughter. especially on the other
side of the table, where Tessie Loring,
who was the very embodiment Of femi-
nine frivolity, bubbled and dimpled and
cast languishing glances about her.
Mrs. Jack had often wondered wheth-
er there would be anything left of Tes-
sic should the dainty gown. hats, shoes
and wells be swept away, for she
seemed nothing more than g. spirit born
of collection Of filmy garments.
Swish OF silk, hutter OF lace. odor
OF vioIets, fash OF eyes and teeth and
eternal chatterl" Mrs. Jack summed UP
ungraciously as she keenly noted
Billy's wandering glances. "What
possessed me to include her in a party
for the benefit OF a man who likes
sensible girlsi can see that he's
growing so disgusted that he wants
to escape the entire sex" And with
a shade Of suppressed annoyance she
rose, formulating an intention to keep
Tessie as far as possible from Mr.
Staunton for the rest Of the evening.
IT seemed, therefore, almost too un-
fortunate that the two should happen
to meet again at her house late one
afternoon Of the following week, hav-
ing been moved TO make their bread
and butter call at the same hour OF
the same day.
Tessie was at her best-or worst
and ratified away in the patois Of So
ciety in a manner that would have
been appalling had it been less pic
turesque. Billy's face was a study
but whatever his thoughts were, his
attention was unmistakable. Not one
Of Tessie's glances-sometimes merry
sometimes coquettish and sometimes
brimming with a babyish sweetness
intended to make him feel how big
and strong and different he was
failed of it's mark. Tessie did not
know much, but that what she knew
she knew remarkably well was slowly
borne in upon Mrs. Jack during that
half hour.
When the distant thud of the front
door at last proclaimed her departure
from the premises Billy, who had
out-stayed her, burst into an uncon-
trollable guffaw, in which his hostess
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17

Joined him somewhat ruefully But
the outburst was not followed by any
of the caustic remarks that might
have been expected from a bachelor
Of his views and standing. On the
contrary, genial, amused gleam lin
gered in his eyes, the amusement of
a grown-up with a dainty, foolish,
attractive child.
'Tessie is such a silly little thing" 3"
observed Mrs. Jack, apologetically,
you mustn't mind her"
Mind heri" CALCULATED her visitor,
warmly, Il should say notl She's
great" and he chuckled reminiscent
ly
But on the subject of Miss Blair Mrs.
Jack found him unresponsive.
DO you suppose he's interested and
doesn't want to show 2" she demand
ed Of Jack, that fountain OF wisdom,
at the dinner table. Because Vir-
ginia's precisely the sort OF a girl he
pretends to admire. Now that I've
found his ideal for him he doesn t
seem to appreciate her.
Her husband laughed at the cha n
in her voice.
'If he doesn't fall in love with the
lady we've provided
According to his plans and specifi-
cations" giggled his wife.
According to his own plans and
specifications-why, I'll punch his
head"
But in spite of his opportunities
Billy remained cold to the charms OF
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17

n NCE upon a time there were two
| men; there We're some other men
~ at the same time, but for the
purposes of this careful inquiry
into the true inwardness of
human fate we Will assume that they
did not exist. Since it is necessary to
give these two individuals some sort of
handles so that they can be dis
tinguished with neatness and dispatch
and also to keep their laundry from
Citing mixed, we will call one of them
Dfogenes Jones and the other H. Hooli-
gan Smith. The reason for inflicting
such burdens upon the poor men will
appear later on in this very interesting
discourse.
Mr.. Smith, as might be presumed
from his name, was naturally of
cheerful turn of mind. Unpleasant
things simply did not exist for him.
No matter what happened he was able
to discover a bright side to it, even
down to murders and overdue bills and
other offenses against recognized laws
of nature and art. When he fell down.
stairs and broke his leg he merely re-
marked that this would give him a
good chance to conduct a careful scien-
tific search into the age of Ann, and
when his six children came down with
the measles unanimously and stimuli
taneously he thanked kind heaven for
the opportunity to buy medicine at
wholesale rates. When it came to
cheerfulness he had the late Sunny
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17

nuts the woman the dollars Kisses Breach-Of-
promise suits are veritable gold spoon holders
Uneasy lies the head that done up in curling papers
Chicago bride objects carrying prayer book or
bouquet her wedding and asks for suggestions less
conventional My dear girl the hubbys bank book,
the old mans check book Chicago link Of sausage
a small pork with diamond collar will be unique Any
thing, DEAR keep Chicago girls hands and feet
out of sight will be o. K
little petting and then
Is relished by the crankiest
1t sometimes takes hero to tell the truth.
mistake may be misfortune, but it were cruel to
call it crime.
work upon.
1t isn't every prodigal who finds the fatted calf al
ready roasted with the and trimming the side
He who aims high should aim well.
When the woman who scolds and the man who
engage in friendly bout there's apt be
pretty lively sparring.
some people down.
If love were copyrighted in Eden should the apple
and the snake be its trademark?
It's thing to love your neighbor yourself, but
1t is quite another help him shovel in coal when it's
raining.
man will bak at small worries and take flying
leap over great troubles.
Seedless apples! Perish the propagator who de-
stroys the fond ilusion One I love; two. I love;
three, love- 1 say"
When says. Goodness only knows" he does
his wife, because she only knows. everybody
else is know.
any woman
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17

the sensible Miss Blair In time Mrs
Jack noticed that it became increas-
ingly difficult to throw them together.
Billy simply would not be thrown.
Provide a man with what he pre-
tends to like and he Immediately finds
out that he doesn't want IT." she re-
f1ected with justif1able cynicism. He
says he likes sensible girls, but he
won't look at Virginia, though he will
hover about that little idiot, Tessie
Loring, like moth about flame"
And, indeed, there was plenty of
foundation for her statement. Far from
causing Billy to take to the woods, as
Mrs. Jack had feared she might, Tessie
seemed to exercise some subtle infiu-
ence over him. The two were forever
meeting, both at Mrs. Jacks and else
where, by the merest chance, of course.
And it was noticeable as time went on
that, though they arrived separately,
they invariably left together.
month later he came to tell her of
their engagement.
"A good many persons misjudge Tes-
sie," he began, as if he felt that she
might be one of the number "but in
little girls in the world
He said much more, and Mrs. Jack,
swallowing hard. accepted it all, agree
ing with him at every point. But when
she was alone again she laughed until
the tears streamed down her cheeks
and thus her husband found her.
What under the heavens?" he in
quired, but he got no further.
'Billy's going to marry Tessie Lor-
ingi" she announced breathlessly. HE
says she is so sensible"
Jack gave a low. incredulous whistle.
Talk about love being blind," he
blurted out at last. why, love has an
X-ray eye! Nothing short of an X-ray
could see anything sensible in Tessie.'
And he thrust his hands in his pock-
cts and roared with her.
Copyright, 1904. by Mary McKeon)
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17

NJ gan TO respond 10 Mrs. Jacks
artful promptings Of the last
half hour. which had. however, been so
deftly administered that he did not so
much as suspect that he was being
pumped dry on the subject Of his ideal
woman. Give me a girl with no non
sense about her"
He paused impressively and stared
dreamily into the haze Of blue smoke
that surrounded them. as II striving to
call his ideal clearly up before his
minds eye.
Venus de Milo waist and common
sense shoes?" suggested Mrs Jack, who
for reasons Of her own wished TO get
the outer semblsnce Of Billy's ideal
woman clearly impressed upon her
memory.
Biuys glare withdrew itself from the
shadowy haze and rested upon his
friends wife. For a brief moment his
taste wavered, detected by the be-
witching thinness OF her daintily shod
foot, which had an apologetic air Of be-
ing more ornamental than useful Then
he reverted sternly TO his ideal once
more.
Er-yes," he began That is, If It is
necessary" he added weakly. finding
his companions appearance fatally an
tagonistic TO his theories.
AS she had explained 70 her husband
while dressing for dinner that evening,
she felt responsible for Billy, and
though the former had assured her that
Billy was a husky brute" and could
take care OF himself, she had not been
convinced
I took you away from him." che had
argued with soft persistence, "and. OF
course, be must be awfully lonely up
there IN the old rooms. II isn't as IL he
had you" she had ended with an inf1ec-
ton that had caused her husband, who
was at the moment deftly manipulating
his hair brushes, TO fash a half-humor-
Gus glance at his image in the mirror
and then cross the room to her side.
With an orangewood stick IN one
hand and the finger tips OF the other
rosy and pomaded, she had reached
up and recklessly pulled his head
down beside her own. Temporarily
the lonely Billy had been forgotten.
Then. the very excess OF their happi-
ness had made her heart smite her.
Now encouraged by Mrs. Jacks
sympathetic, questioning eyes, Billy
rambled on. explaining that. though
ne was not a marrying man, there
were moments when he hoped that
some time he might have a hearth Of
his own, etc. etc, etc. Though ap-
parently listening with sweet interest,
his hostess was in reality reviewing
the list Of her friends in search of
the possible girl. One by one they
seemed to pass before her. smiling.
teasing procession Of blondes and
brunettes.
Then. just as two worried lines Of
thought began to appear on her
smooth forehead, and as Billy was
winding UP with: You see how it is,
Mrs. Jack, the girls Of to-day are too
brilliant and worldly for a humdrum
fellow like met" the face of Virginia
Blair arose before her, and the lines
disappeared in the radiance Of a
bright, assured smile.
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17
ltTH attention so generally
centered upon commencement
festivities, we are liable to
overlook the multitude of

overlook the multitude of
persons to whom July has no
more significance than any other
month. Because of ill-health or
of insufficient means they are
unable to complete a prescribed
course of study. They have no
alma mater. no class ties, no dear
school friendships, no inspiring mem
cries of some honored seat of learning.
Is there any compensation for this
vast number OF persons? Can con-
soling word be said with regard to the
possibilities OF schooling outside the
schools? And IL such a word can be
spoken, may 1t not apply also even to
the army of fair young graduates, some
Of whom need to be taught that their
commencement is only In reality a be-
ginning? To look upon the moment
when one receives his diploma as
marking the finish of an education
would be as foolish as for an explorer
to think that when he has once set
foot upon a new continent his discov-
cries are at an end.
What would we all amount to, any
way, if the world itself were not a
great university, If life from morn to
eve were not in the truest sense a
schoolroom in which we gain accumu-
lations of knowledge and discipline of
our powers? Here is nature ready to
disclose its marvels to US. AS a man
comes and goes he may see things by
the roadside worth his attention. With
out becoming an expert botanist or
geoIogist or astronomer or ornitholo-
gist he may little by little acquire a
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17
The
y - EYES of CUPID - -

L"IVE me q sensible girl" said
Billy, as he unconsciously be-
Nj gan 10 respond 10 Mrs. Jacks
artful promptings Of the last
The San Francisco call., 1904-07-17

- EOPLE like the weather. Soft snap or cold
a J snap. Which you?
L When man takes joke he often passes Ii
along without properly indorsing it.
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1904-03-03
The Chattanooga Advertising.

The Chattanooga Medicine Compa-
ny, with laboratories and general
Offices at Chattanooga, Tennessee and
branch houses at st. Louis, Mo-, and
San Francisco, CAL, has become one
of the largest proprietary medicine
concerns in the world. In the growth
of this great business two factors
have been dominant. The merit of
it's products--Wine of Cardui and
Thedford's Black-Draught-has been
widely recognized and the original
advertisement methods adopted have
excited great comment. The publici-
ty for these medicines does not con
sist of the catch phrase and extrava-
CANT statement, too often employed
in advertising today, but instead the
plain story of experience with the
medicines given in the plain language
of the people themselves. The follow
ing letter is fair sample of the
thousands of Wine and Cardui testi.
monials published during the past
twenty years.
2068 Eastern Avenue,
CINCINNATI, OHIO, May 20, 1892.
l consider Wine of Cardui a most
excellent woman's remedy. 1t is GER
tainly specific as tonic and regu-
lator. For eight years ] suffered with
| female trouble. had intense pain in
the back and head, leaving me so
weak that was unable to stand at
times. Medicine did not seem to help
me, butlafter all remedies had failed
me Wine of Cardui proved my one
great, true friend. What a relief
experienced 1t came only few days
after / started taking It. used II
faithfully for four months and gradu.
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and what difference 1t would make
In thousands of homes where there is
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Wine of Cardui 1t would bring relief
and joy instead.
| MARGARET GREENMEYER.
The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1904-03-03
FAIRVIEW.
February 80, 19(


Will Grabill and wife, of Cincinnati,
are visiting at w. A. Oranges this
week.
James CLANCY and wife we're enter.
tained at Frank Bilderback's yester.
day.
Rev. T. H. Adams, of Camden, con.
Quoted divine services here Sunday.
Alb. Fouch and wife visited at John
Frost's Saturday, and while here re-
ceived word from their grandson at
Leesburg, who is dangerously i'll, that
his condition had not improved.
Misses Edith Shaffer and Pearl
Handley attended church at Russell
Thursday night.
Fred Roash and little grandson
Ralph, are under the DOCTORS care.
Jessie Hart is at home for a short
visit.
w. J. Thacker, of South Charleston
came to this place last week for q
short visit at Mrs. Boards, and sue
ceeded In securing bride. The LADY
was her daughter, Mrs. Minnie Rousf
formerly of Greenfield. They wer.
married Wednesday, February "a, BY
Rev. Smith at Greenfield, and left al
once for their future home in Soutf
Charleston. They have the goot
wishes of many friends.