West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1904-05-05


were ours for the asking. have
been strangely cut loose from their
moorlngs and have been gently
waited to the banks Of the other
shore, and We are left to weep and
mourn on the banks OF Salt River.
(Great sobbing.) My eyes ure dim
tonight aud the lustre Of my optics
are obscured by the copious tears
which | have shed since my return
from Parsons. (Much weeping. J"
We have a very distinguished
genius with us tonight who will
deliver our funeral Grafton. lie
followed us through the campaign,
and checred US on and entered into
the spirit Of our JOY and happiness
as We were assured on every side
chat VIC had u cinch on the pies.
lie comes tonight to alleviate our
sorrows and perform the last sad
rights for the dead ! (Pitiful
weeping and mourning.) lie has
been deeply moved at the cruel
manner in which we have been de-
priyed OF our pies. and he will pour
forth his very soul to comfort us n
our hour Of need.
"My Fellow Mourners, now
have the pleasure of introducing to
you The Rambler, the greatest male
or female intellect which has ever
been reared on our world wide cele-
brated buck-wheat I"
For the time being they had for
gotten their sorrow and their pies,
and the greeting which they gave
me started vibration in the Court
House which loosened my false
teeth. When the vibration ceased
and Dr. Sherwood placed my teeth
in their proper position. l made a
graceful bow, and in language. of
which | have lost the manuscript,
thanked them for the royal ovation
which they had given me, which
was an honor to themselves and an
acknowledgement that | was one of
the select.
spoke as follows:
"My fellow victims of the Politi.
cal Scourge:-I am sorry to inform
you that speech making is not my
vocation. In fact j have no vaca-
ton. | have, however, mission
to preform among the people, which
imposes upon me the enormous
task OF visiting the sick, feeding the
poor and burying the dead ! This
l vigorously conform to when given
due notice. Through the Primary
Campaign | followed you closely,
and when many of you were sick at
heart / went among you administer
ing consolation and urging you to
show no signs of palsy when con
fronted by your enemy. Many &C
cepted my advice and they are not
among the dead When you were
hungry, and found none who were
i
not, / fed you on courage and ex
pec.ation. Those who profted by
my words of wisdom will not have
to have their epitaph. They may
select the choicest pies from the
bakery and the County and State
will liquidate the debt. IF they are
prudent and exercise the proper
judgement in the consumption of
pies they may escape the peniten-
tiary and the grave. BY your polit-
ical death you dodge both, for
which you should be thankful.
"You must pardon my silent tears
and emotions as approach the
painful duty of pronouncing my
eulogy over your political death,
which occurred on Saturday, April
80, 1904. The day and date shall
ever linger in your memory, as long
as you have breath to work your
lung power to anaihematize those
who consumed your exhilarating
beverage which was guaranteed to
save you from an untimely political
death.
"In this vast funeral assemblage
today ] observe the faces Of many
who have been sacrificed many
times heretofore that others might
live and enjoy the pies for which so
many patriots we're willing to for
sake the farm and their loved ones
The sadness which this recollection
causes me Is more than enough to
make my tears trickle faster and
faster II my eyes are blurred by
the tear drops Of sorrow, il is be.
cause / have been a victim Of polit
ical death myself / have taken
more than one voyage up Salt river
in the Moutnful Steamer Defeat,
and I can heartily sympathize with
those who arc compelled to embark
on old Defeat amid the deafening
shouts Of their more fortunate broth.