The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1904-08-25
H.. S., Jr. to II. S., Sr.


IV truth at all times and under
all circumstances, and to cor
rect erroneous opinions and conclu-
sions wherever found, or whencesoever
emanating, will In this letter point
out certain errors of Judgment which
habitually manifest themselves in your
private and public atterances.
First, let us auasyze the popularity
of the cast of features as revealed IN
my noble and mobile countenance,
which you thoughtlessly, vaguely, and
unscientlfically referred to as my
'good looks" in your last letter. But
it is we'll to begin at the beginning, or
at least as near to the beginning as my
memory will permit. My memory re-
verts to the time when was emerging
from babyhood into boyhood-when
the desire to doff the ungainly gar
ments that cucumber the movements
of babies of either sex, and to don q
manly, tho abbreviated pair of breeches,
with real pockets in them, became the
predominant, the overmastering desire
of my life. Beyond this early period
of my existence my memory does not
carry me, tho my imagination does;
but l do not think it wise or proper to
make known what imagination darkly
reveals. At this interesting period of
my life | was the pet of all the girls, old
maids, wives aHd widows. They
Rugged me, and kissed me; they said
my eyes were beautiful, and the dim
pie in my chin was just lovely; they ex-
amined me from head to toe and pro-
nounced me perfect; my laughter filled
them with ecstacy; my tears aroused
unfathomable pity and boundless
sympathy. My voice was more music
al than the nightingale's; my move
ments more graceful than the kittens;
and ever and anon, when they grew
tired of singing my praises they would
give me more hugs and kisses, and
subject me to other indignities repul-
sive to a modest and self-respecting
boy.
AS l grew older their opinion about
me gradually changed When I was
about twelve they said L was gooc-
for-nothing boy; my eyes, they opined.
portrayed the stupidity of my mind;
my sloping forehead corroborated the
story told by my eyes; the mass of un-
ruly hair that rose perpendicularly
from my elongated and ill-shaped cram
ium was to thema mere outward sign
of inward savageness; and the voice of
prophecy arose in the land, saying, "He Q
will never amount to anything"
As the years passed by continued
to lose in favor with the fair sex. My
features, they said, were irregular; my
nose pointed skyward; the fire of intel
ligence that lightened and frightened
the windows of my responsive and ex-
pansive soul was likened by the gener-
al run and file of womankind to the
piercing, peace-destroying, soul-pollut-
ing rays that emanate-hypothetically
from the orbs Of the Wicked One.
And now, when l am really far more
interesting as a man than / could pos
sibly have been as boy, even the most
desperate of old maids and seasoned
widows fight shs of me. AS for kisses,
only once since I have grown to mans
estate have been able to persuade a
woman to participate with me in mu-
tual oscuIatory exercise. She was
a strong-minded and able-bodied wom-
an of about 25 years and 1870 pounds
but the shock proved too much for her
She died in less than an hour after her