davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
The Three Bills.

ID s. Barnes in Western Ffeld)
The miner Ii tell ye the story stin,
OF Bill the burro an Burro Bill.
An the NANCY cur with a broken tail
That led EN- along the rock trail.
ChaSin' lizards an thinkin' il Iun
Ter stir up the rattlers asleep in the sun
Barkin' an frolicin' fit te1 Kill;
AN the name Of the pup it was likewise
Bill.
Which profligate use Of the name, ye
CANT rightly an jestly be blamed on
The boss of the outfit would allus say
When axed why he christened his stock
thataWay,
the game.
An its mp ter me ter abide the same
Oniess / was silly enuff ter pass
Fer changin' ter names in the reg'la
way"
So it happened that Bill an Bill an Bill
Lit out from Sandy an clumb Jns Mill
Follered the gulch down on tcther side
An pOttered along up the big divide;
An BuTro Bill he was glum ana sore
Fer he'd backed four sevens the night
2tOre
'G'inst a royal flush When the game
was done,
Stead of seven burros. he'd only one.
An it seemed a poor chaince fer gettin'
rich
Packin' sOwbeIIy an beans an sch
Luxurious feed on ole Kickin Bill.
Ter the hungry miners at Happy Hill
But twas that or work; so, as I've re-
marked,
Bill. the mOngreI. he pranced an barked.
An flOp-eaTed Bill fOilered on sedaJe
Dodgin' rocks from a fellar that cussed at
Fate.
Long bout midday the sun grow ed hot,
An a halt was called at a likely spot
Where leetle ledge gave chunk OF
Gee under yelled BnI-sorter half
Ter get in heel-range of t'othe- Bill;
But the bUrro took kiver an stood stock
Ears in the sunshine. tail ter the cliff,
Lookin' 'umble an aged an stiff.
An now I'll auude ter Bill No. 3:
A thoughtful. considerate purp was he;
SO he gave Bill the burro a JOY complete
feet,
one kick-'twis enuff; the rocks Jared
An the ledge, dog an burro lay all in
ollie,
Jes' iumple of fragments-but joy ter be-
The heap was a-glitter with free millin'
gold.
So Rurro Bill ne staked out his claim
An h|ed on mule meat, an stayed in the
game
Till the news Of his strike reached Happy
Hill
An hyar come the boys-like hcgs ter
swil!-
What's that yer akin? BilTll all right.
He finds him a buyer that very night,
Wins back his lost burrOs an joyful pro-
Ceeds
Ter load EN- with airtights an other rich
feeds
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18

physical wreck? There must be some
cause for your condition
There is said the Idiot. meekIy. 81
went Christmas shopping yesterday
without having previously trained for
IT, and this is the result sometimes
wonder, doctor, that you gentlemen
who have the public health more or less
IN your hands don't take the initiative
and stave off nervous prostration and
other ills attendant upon a rundown
physical condition instead of waiting
for "A fully-developed case and trying
70 cure it after the fact The ounce OF
prevention ought TO be Incorporated Il
seems TO me into the materia medica."
What would YOU have us do move
mountains?" demanded the doctor. I'm
not afraid to tackle almost any kind
Of fever known TO medical science. but
the shopping fever-well. it is incura BILE
once il gets hold of a man or woman,
and more especially a woman. there
isn't anything that know Of can get it
cut of the systems / grant you that Il
IS as much Of a disease as scarlet. ty-
,phoid or any other. but the mind has
not yet been discovered that can find
a remedy for Il short of abject poverty.
and even that has been known to fail"
That's true enough" said the idiot.
Tut what you can do is TO make il
Harmless. There are lots of diseases
that our forefathers used to regard as
necessarily fatal that nowadays we
look upon as mere trihes. because peo-
pie can be put physically into such
condition that they are practically i'm
hume to~their ravages."
Maybe so. But If people will shop
they are going TO be knocked out by il.
] don't see that we doctors can do any
thing 10 mitigate the evil effects OF the
consequences alb initio. After the event
we can pump you full Of quinine and
cod liver oil and build you up again,
but the ounce Of prevention for shop
ping troubles is as easily attainable as
ton of radium to a man with eight
cents and a cancelled postage stamp in
his pocket said the doctor.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
SUGGESTION TO CHRISTMAS
SHOPPERS. =

wouldn't be knocked out if you gave
them preliminary individual exercise
with punching bags dummies for tackle
practice, and other things the football
player uses to make himself tough and
irresistible"
But you can't reason with shopping
as you do with football" suggested the
Lawyer. 'Think of the glory OF win
ming a goal which sustains the foot
BAH player through the, toughest of
fights. The knowledge that the nation
viii ring with the plaudits of his gallant
achievement is half TIE backing Of your
quarterback"
That's all right" said the Idiot, but
the makeup of the average woman is
such that what pursuit of fame does
for the gladiator the chase after bar
gain does for woman. / have known
women so Worn and weary that they
couldn't get up for breakfast who had
a lions strength an hour later at
Monday marked-dOwn sale of laundry
soap and Vets poems. What the goal
is TO the man the bargain is to the wo-
man. so on the question of incentive to
action, Mr.. Brief, the sexes are about
even. / really think Doctor. there's a
chance here for you and me to make
fortune. DR.. Capsules shopnasium.
opened every September for the train
ing and development Of expert shoppers
i'm all branches of shOpmastics. under
the medical direction of yourself and
my business management would be a
winner. Moreover. il would furnish a
business opening for all these football
players our colleges are turning out,
for as our institution grew and we es-
tablished branches of il all over the
country, we should, of course, have to
have managers in every city. and who
better to teach all these things than the
EXPERT footballist of the hour?"
"Oh. WELL. said the Doctor. perhaps
it isn't such bad thing after all, but
j don't think I care to go into it.
don't want TO be rich"
VERY well,' said the Idiot. That
being the case, l viii modify my sug
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
CURIOUS TERMS
On Which Japan is Ready is Make
Peace With Russia.


The japanese paper HOchi was late
ly responsible for very curious state
ment regarding the terms on which
Japan was ready 20 make peace with
Russia. 1t said that in diplomatic cir
cles in Pekin it was suggested that
mediation would appear through
power closely interested i'm the war
after the japanese were in occupation
of Port Arthur. Mukden and Saghalien-
The conditions We're contained in six
articles. as follows:
1. Port Arthur TO be restored TO Chi
ma. opened TO foreign trade and not
TO be used as a naval station.
2. The Liaotung peninsula to be re-
turned TO China.
3. The Manchurian railway not TO be
employed for military purposes and 10
be handed over to an international ad-
ministration of delegates appointed by
the great powers.
T. Russia to pay Japan an indemnity
OF 400, 100000 yen, or 5000, 100000.
4. The Russian warships in Chinese
waters to be given up to Japan.
s. Saghalien to be ceded to Japan,
but to be surrendered by Japan to the
United States as 6 perpetual conces-
sion. on payment of 50,O00,OO0 yen, or
SOS. 600, 600. annually
The first four articles seem not un-
reasonable if the Russians acknOwl-
edge defeat, but the fifth would be
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18

Nonsense, doctor. You're only fool
ing, said the Idiot. "A college presi-
dent might as well say that boys viii
play football and tnat there's nothing
they can do to stave off the inevitable
consequences of playing the game to
che who isn't prepared for 1t. You
Know as well as anybody else that from
Nov. Is to Dec. "A every year an epi-
demic of shopping is going to break out
IL our midst You know that it viii
rage violently in the last stage. begin
nlng Dec. Il. thanks to our habit of
leaving everything 10 the last minute.
You know that the men and women in
your care, unless they have properly
trained for the exigencies of the cpl
oemic period. viii be Frustrated physi-
cally and nervously, racked in bone and
body. aching from tip to toe their en-
eIgy exhausted and their spine as limp
a. rag. and yet YOU claim you can do
nothing. What would we think of a
football trainer who would try thus to
account for the condition of his eleven
al the end OF a season? Wed bounce
him. that's what"
Perhaps that gigantic intellect of
yours has something TO suggest,
sneered the doctor
Certainly" quoth the Idiot. Il
dreamed it all out in my sleep last
night. / dreamed that you and I to-
Sether had started a series of estab-
Lshments all over the country"
To eradicate the shopping eviI?'
laughed the doctor. "A sort Of Kelley
cure for shopping inebriates2''
Nay. nay" retOrted the idiot. THE
shopping inebriate is too much of a fac
tor in our commercial prosperity 10
make such a thing as that popular
Ny scheme was sort OF shopnasium."
a what?" rOared the doctor.
"A shopnasium." explained the Idiot.
we have gymnasiums in which we
teach gymnastics. Why not have
shopnasiurn IN which to teach what we
might call shOpnastics? Just think of
what a boon il would be for lot OF
delicate women. for instance, who know
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
A Scarcity of Minerals.
By
John Kendrick
Bangs

that along about Christmas time they
nust HE them forth TO the department
stores, there to be crushed and mauled
and pulled and hauled until there is
scarcely anything left of them, to come
10 our shopnasium and there be trained
for the ordeal which they cannot es-
cape"
very nice" said the Doctor. But
how on earth can you train them?
That's what I'd like 70 know
How? Why how on earth do you
train a football team except by prac-
tice?" demanded the idiot 1T wouldn't
take "a very ingenious mind to figure
out a game called shopping that would
be governed by rules similar to those
of football. Take a couple of bargain
counters for the goals, Place one at
one end of the shopnasium and one at
the other. Then let sixty women start
from number one and try to get to
number two across the field through
another body of sixty women bent on
getting to the other one. and vice versa
You could teach 'em all the arts of the
rush line, defense, running around the
ends. breaking through the middle and
all that. At first the scrimmage would
be pretty hard on the beginners, but
with a months practice they'd get
hardened to it. and by Christmas time
there isn't a bargain counter in the
country they couldn't reach without
more than ordinary fatigue. An inter-
esting feature of the game would be to
have automatic cars and automobiles
and cabs running to and fro across the
field all the time so that they would be-
come absolutely masters of the arts of
lodging similar vehicles when they en-
eountered them in real life, as they
surely must when the holiday season is
in full blast and they are compelled by
the demands of the hour TO go out into
the world"
The women couldn't stand il" said
the Doctor. They might as we'll be
knocked out at the real thing as IN the
imitation"
Not at all" said the idiot. "They
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
ODE GENIAL IDIOT

any JINGO!" said the Idiot. as he
YEARLY took Misplace al the

any JINGOT" said the Idiot. as he
YEARLY took Misplace at the
breakfast table the other morn
ing, "but I'm just regularly tuckered
Late hours again." asked the law
Yer.
Matter OF fact, I went TO bed last
night at half after seven and never
walked until nine this morning. In
spite Of all that sleep and rest 1 feel
row as if I'd been put through a
threshing machine. Every bone I'm my
body from the funny 10 the medulla
aches like all possessed, and my joints
crack like q new air of shoes on a
school boy in church. they are so stiff"
"Oh. we'll" said the doctor. What
Of il? The pace that kills is bound 70
lave some symptoms preliminary 10
dissolution. II you, like other young
men Of the age, burn the candle at both
ends and in the middle, what can you
expect? You pvlsh nature into a corner
and then grOwl like all possessed be-
cause she rebels
Not L. retorted the Idiot. Mr.. Ped
aeog and the poet and Mr.. Bib may
lead the strenuous life, but as for mine
the simple life is the thing. I'm not
Jriving after the unattaihable I'm
rot wasting my physical substance in
riotous living. The cold and clammy
touch Of dissipation is not writing let
tiers Of burning condemnation proceed
ings on my brOsv. Excuses in any form
gre utterly unknown to me. and from
ere end of the subway TO the other you
won't find another man Of my age who
In general takes better care of himself.
/ am as watchful Of my own needs as
though I were a baby and my own
1urse at one and the same time. No
mother could watch over her offspring
more tenderly that 1 watch over me-
end
"Well. then. what in thunder is the
matter with your" cried the lawyer, IL
ritsted IF this is all true why on
earth are you proclaiming yourself as a
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18

ninety-fve-foot boat through the wa
ter at the rate of six knots an hour.
although a 300-horsepower engine is
turned on full speed in the opposite
direction.
There is no danger of a boat being
pulled on the rocks under such circum-
stances, because when d whale is hit
IT makes straight for the deep sea-
There is no telling how long the mon
ster could keep up the stroke, for it's
struggles are generally ended by a sec
ond shot within an hour or two. 1t is
then pulled to the surface, and air is
pumped into its stomach i'm order TO
make it float. Over LOO whales of
various kinds were caught in the New
toundland waters this year While il
is dithcult to strike an average on ac-
count of the varying sizes of the catch
and the fiuCtuatiOn in the price of oil,
a full grown specimen ought to yield its
captors at least $500. Oil is low at the
present time. When IT regains its
usual price the value quoted above will
be doubled. The industry is being
worked for all that it is worth.
The Harmsworth Lumber Deal.
There is quite an extensive timber
belt in the heart of the island A com
pany known as the Newfoundland |
Timber Estate. composed mostly Of |
American capitalists. OWES 2 400 square 1
niles OF pine, spruce and fir. The |
holdings of this concern include about |
seven-tenths of the entire supply. An |
impetus has been given TO the lumber !
business by a sale just made 10 Mr.. |
BARNS worth, proprietor OF the London |.
Diyl Mail, and who owns or controls /
aocut twenty-five other publications. /
The English publisher uses about 900 /
tons of print paper every week. and |
ne is going TO establish his own mill.
SIruce and fir make good paper and I
he has bought 400 acres of this kind |
OF timber, which viii yield from fifty
10 seventy-hve cords to the acre 1t !
requires just traction over cord of |
wood TO make ton Of paper.
The trees are small and stand on |
the ground very thick. The tract Mr.. /
Harmsworth has purchased will not be /
exhausted during his life time or for /
several generations after him, because |
this kind of timber replenishes itself. /
and it can be cut over and over again. |
He paid a shade less than fifty |
cents an acre for the timber, and the /
mills and other improvements which /
he takes over will make the transac-
ton represent about a half million |
collars. He expects to install a pulp |
mill and paper plant which will cost |
about 81. 600, and before he gets /
through with the deal his improve /
ments will doubtless stand him in |
band for S3.0O0.OOO 1t will be about |
two years before paper can be pro-
ouced in Newfoundland and the new
enterprise viii give employment to |
Z 500 people. The natives will be |
given the preference when laborers
are selected. but If they do not prove
satisfactory, labor will be imported |
from Finland. Mr.. Harmsworth estim-
ates that by manufacturing his own
Print paper he will reduce the cost
OF 1t by half. He is authority for the
statement that it is surprising why
the American publishers. who consume |
such enormous quantities of paper. /
and who cooperate in 50 many other
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18

gestion somewhat and send the idea TO
President Taylor of Vassar and other
heads of women's colleges. As things
are now they ought to have course
of shopping for the benefit OF the young
women who viii soon graduate into the
larger institution of matrimOny. That
is the only way l can see for US TO
build up a woman of the future who
will be able TO cope with the strenuous
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18

likely to cause collision between ia
pan and the countries in whose ports
Russian ships now are or may happen
to be. The China seas or waters might
mean anywhere from Kiaochau in
Shantung to Saigon in Indo-China, in
which case Germany and France would
have something 10 say, both these ports
harbOring several of the Russian war
ships damaged in-the fight OF Aug. 10.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18

life that is involved today in the pur-
chase of a cake Of soap to send to ones
grandmother at Christmas. / know.
for 1 have been through it, and rather
than do it again. l would let the All
American eleven for 1904 land on me
after a running broad jump Of sixteen
feet in length and four in the air."
Copyright, 1904. by X. H. Holmes.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

brush. Even the coal that is consumed
on the railroad and in other industries
is imported from Nova Scotia and Eng
land.
The Reid Enterprise
The major portion Of al public de-
Velopment i'm Newfoundland has been
done by r. G.. Reid and his three sons.
Reid IS n Scotch railroad contractor
who has pat through several notable
undertakings besides his ventures here
He built a portion of the Southern Pa
Cific route west of San Antonio,
Texas. He constructed the heaviest
Fart of the Canadian Pacific line
al ound Lake Superior, ana put the
Zig Lachine bridge across the St Law
renee at Montreal. He secured a con-
tIGct from the government of New
fCCndland 10 construct a railroad
2crosS the island from st. Johns TO
, Port aux Basque. Before he completed
il he entered mo negotiations TO Sc
cure the operation of it after the work
vas finished. and was given a bonus
OF 5000 acres Of land per mile. The
government soon got sick Of its bar
gam and instituted litigation to re-
cover the ground End secure more IA
VOrable terms Tie history of the pro-
lOnged fight between the promoters
sized volume. All sorts of trades have
taken place. The railroad which cost
about $12OOO,OO0. was sold to Reid
! for 81, 100000 and then another gov
ernment upon coming into power took
it back again.
Every time Reid retrenches he
i-claims damages, aud gets them in the
form of some new concessions. He
/ now has the right of operating the
mains: owns eight steamers which ne
uses in his coastal service; the drS
dock at st. Johns belongs to him
he has the electric light plant and
street railway in the capital: besides
| the express company and the telegraph
lines. In addition to all this he owns
:. 225, 900 acres of land in fee simple,
and has a ninety-nine year timber
/ lease on 207, 600 acres more. The ora
tors of the party opposed to Reid as
sCrt that he wants everything in the
island but the grave yards, and they
work the people up TO signing petit
! tiOns against him. Everything in New
fOundland is secured by petition and
many sign these papers who are only
able to judge their meaning by what
they are told. Reid says the poor
6evils would sign petition TO lynch
the king if someone had the nerve
10 pass It.
Has Millions Invested.
1t is a difficult matter to get at the
! actual facts of the quarrel between
Reid and the government, but il is
certain that he has invested more
money in the country than the island
ers ever had. or doubtless ever will
have. 1t must not be inferred from the
foregoing invoice Of Reds property
that it was all the gift of Newfound
land. His steamers cost him a million.
He had TO build his dock out of his
ewn pocket, and his power plant and
street railway as well. He says his en-
trrprises on the whole are just be-
ginning to pay interest on the invest
Went. The land ne holds is not worth
very much at present, and large por-
ton of it may never be worth anything.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
Spelling It.
philadelphia Press.)

Miss Flyrty-Jack Hanson was telling
me about a romantic adventure ne had at
the party last night. It seems he bumped
into a girl in a dark hallway and kissed
her and he doesn't know yet
Miss EN5ers-O tee-hee. That was J.
Miss Flyrty-What2 o, for goodness
sake don't tell him now. Let him love
his romance.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
ways, do not make their own print
BEGINNING to Export Lumber.

Beginning to Export Lumber.
Newfoundland mas always imported
its lumber until few years ago when
il began TO supply its own needs.
Last year it entered the market as
al exporter sending several million
feet to Argentina, and a larger guam
t;ty TO England. The port of shipment
is called Lewisoort, and it is located
On the northern coast of the island.
The distance from this port to Liver
pool is only 1,S00 miles. When the
lumber business was inaugurated in
Newfoundland Il was found that some
difficulty would be experienced in Sc
curing labor. because almost the en-
time male population of the island has
followed fishing in summer and re
manned idle during the winter. How
ever. no trouble was experienced in
procuring men. Many were glad to
set something to do during the dull
season and not a few were ready to
abandon the sea for steady work on
land.
Fishermen get paid but once year.
Unless they have good luck they may
find themselves i'm debt to the mer-
chant and in that event they get no
ray at all. To go into the lumber
camps and get wages every week was
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18

considered a great thing by men.
some of whom had never handled
money at all. The manager told me
about putting one fellow 10 work in
his camp. He had 4 wife. six chill
oren, and no money. The company
built him cabin and furnished it on
CT edit. The house and contents were
valued at nineteen dollars. In nine
months the fellow had worked his
way clear and had six dollars coming
to him. There was some difficulty in
getting him to accept the cash, for it
was the first he had ever had He was
afraid there was some mistake. This
man was fifty-two years of age. His
was doubtless "A very extreme case, one
that could not be quoted as being true
of the majority of the population, but
ii is indeed a backward country where
even rare instances of such ignorant
Poverty can be found.
A Scarcity of Minerals.
Up to the present time Newfound-
land has not produced mineral wealth
in any great quantity The iron and
copper mine at Belle island is the most
noteworthy property on the island, and
aside from this fact enjoys the distinc-
ton of being located on the most east
ern point of land on the North Ameri-
can continent. The veins have not been
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
Specially Honored.


do you mean to tell me that when
Muntoburn's daughter started away on
her wedding tour they threw humps of
coal at the carriage?
Yes; everybody said rice was too cheap
and common"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-12-18
No Room For Him.
(Pittsburg Post.)

Dusty Rhodes-What are ye headin' fer
Plunkville fer2 Don't We know dat de
all dede is chock fun Of hoboesT
Tired Tiffin-lf de- all TO chock full Cat
oughter be good town to head fer.