The Birmingham age-herald., 1904-05-22
JUDGE TWINKLE ON CARNEGIE HEROES.


With a library in Dan and one in
 Beersheba. and one at every watering
 tank and flag station betweet what else
 could Mir Carnegie do to die poor and
 happyT' demanded Judge Twinkle as he
 threw down his paper q don't envy MT.
 Carnegie anything he has got under
 stand. I'd just like 10 have his money.
 that's all and if l had it I'd never make
 the mistake of spending dollar of it on
 the public. A rich man hasn't the chance
 Of the dummy in a knockabout sketch
 to please LIS in the way he spreads his
 coin. If he spends it on himself he Is
 monster of extravaganza, ane if he spends
 1t in Philanthropy he is making cheap
 play to the gallery Russel Sage and
 Hetty Green. with us. are just about the real Christmas treat in the way of null
 timiliionaires. If a cent escapes from
 them 1t gets away in the dark and makes
 no noise for fear il will be recaptured, and they don't remind us of our poverty by Tossing even pennies about like Carnegie
 does millions.
 Donald. says the little man from Dunfermline, how fast am , getting poor enough 10 die without being disgraeed by
 all this odious oasn?'
 Well, says Donald or whatever his name is you're some eight thousand dol lars richer now than when you started 10 ask the question minute ago. And new it's nine thousand
 :. 'Hoot monl says MT Carnegie We must dc something. Tell Macgregor to
 wheel another barrow load of green backs out into the allay, and then go hack and give away a handful of libra Ties or so.
 "It canna be done says Donald They will have to start some new towns first, unless you want to build few out on the praries and wait for the towns to grow up around them You'e got the country so well piastered with libraries now that there's no room for any more unless you start a second layer.
 '' Then have Macgregorl roll another barrel of bonds ont of the cellar and give them away to somebody or other. And Donald let not your right hand know what your left hand doeth but write a left-handed letter to all the papers. We don't want any publicity about this, ex- cept what little We get in print and by word of mouth.
 .And so we have the five million dol- lar hero fund l havn.t seen MT Car negies market quotations on heroes, but money draws men like bald head draws flies and there will be a fine crop of them coming for the wages that are offered. They will all he professional heroes. though and the Jim Bhdso and Barbara Frietchie kind won't any more get slice of this money than a flea could get blood out of door knob
 Its a great scheme and good scheme but it has put herosm on a fine, sound financial basis-and heroism was the on- 1y thing We had left in this country that couldn't be expressed in figures and ad- ded up in a ledger. If has now bee raised to a. level of a business and we shall doubtless have courses in heroism in all the colleges. with correspondence schools as the next step. How 10 Become a Hero-in Twenty Easy Lessons by Mail ought to make an attractive advertise ment.
 "Jim Bunker. of Grassvile. would have snapped al that advertisement like Missouri Legislator after Baking Pow der brlbe. Jim wasn't worth the arsenic to poison him until Uncle Bob Taylor got up the Grassvile Humanitarian So ciety and offered a tin medal about the size of pie plate for the most worthy hero of the year Jim made up his mind to have that medal and for the first tune in his life. he took to moving fast enough to gauge his gait without sighting past  still. His daddy had hopes, along at first that Jim would finally get up spunk enough to turn In and do the blowing but he soon gave up that idea for Jim spent his days and nights looking for chance to do some gaudy circus poster act with four thrills and band or mu- sic.
 'He got his first dose in about week after he started out One afternoon he olo nj aln back meadow when along came horse, and paving for record, at tached to light buggy in which was man and a young woman. Jim realized that this was his chance to wallow in glory up to his ears and started to run in the same direction Just as the horse came up even with him he made grab for the bridbe and got it.
 "sLeggo that brdlen yelled the man.
 "s sNemind I'll save vel! panted Jim holding on like a flea to dogs ear and hitting the ground once to rod.
 .Leggo, I sayr roared the man, ris- Ing up in the buggy. 'srWhoar puffed Jim. " I.eggo, you bug-headed idiotr scream | ed the man flourishng his whip. {" Whoa ye brute gasped Jim as the l horse slowed down.
 ..'Swish,'
 '',The whip came down on Jim's should ITS Jim and the horse came to stand ;tifl and the man jumped to the ground ust fairly scattering language that snap ,ed and cracked and glowed like electric ty.
 ' Are you trying to ruin Also RanP ne demanded Why you dough faced ump of mud what do you mee."
 ..s Meanr panted Jim as he rubbed his ,ack Why, I was savin wore lives rom this run away hoss, that's what. I'm heror
 q. Well you go right back to your asy- umr spluttered the man. I've got Also Ran entered for the Derby, and I'm just .iving her a road try4out Crawl home low. before-I mangle you all up'
 Soak him one for luck Jack! called he girl. Hes a peanut and he ought to ,e hulledn
 But Jim didn't wait
 You might think this would have ured Jim of all desire to dangle ,aye cured Jim of all desire to dangle he Uncle Bob Taylor medal on his sun av coat. but it didn't. He looked so hard or somebody to rescue that the squlnt n his aeyes got strengthened out but is tfie weeks slipped by, he saw that ne would have to assist fate little
 Down in Dan Beams far pasture was
 hnfls so mean that it laid awake at .igfits. to hate itself. and Jim spent Wnole avslb sitting on that far pasture ence waiting for chance ., .o oax some stranger inside the ,aId uith old satan At last his | "a tience was rewarded. Two< young la Iies 7 who looked as if they belonged in | he city. came trudgng along and asked | +a Toon Raama. Jim nearly |