The Birmingham age-herald., 1904-04-17

"lf l have any sympathy at all in this far east aggravation," observed Judge Twinkle as he sank into the depths of a unconsidered bone in the dog fight that the war dispatches lead us 10 almost be-
 ieve is now wagng along the banks of the Value far away Forgotten little Ko- req has the sauirmy thinking part in the thrilling, real tank drama now play ing one night stands all over the slant eyed Orient.
 There, there, never mndr says Brave Little Japan to Korea. I'll protect you
 But l don't want to be protected says Korea.
 Oh, yes you dol! says Brave Little Japan. You're a weak and foolish nation, and l won't see you imposed upon. Be- sides, I need the space you take up on the map. l want room to spread says Japan. I have a painful surplus of Geisha Girls and Harvard graduates that l must get rid of at any cost
 Rest easy, little Korea, says Amer ica's Old Friend, Russia. I'll see that mo- body gives you the worst of it but me-
 ' But 1 want to be let alone says Kc- req.
 f'' Oh, no you don'tr says America 8 Old Friend Russia What you want is a fine. hungry bunch of Cossacks in every village to collect your taxes and send them to St. Petersburg All we ask in return for this kind service is your sea- ports and anything else we may find ly- ing around loose. We are purely disinter- ested
 'Vamoose or I'll gouge your says Brave Little Japan to America's Old Friend, Russia. ioure interfering with the progress of civilization. I'm in this philanthropy business for keeps, and l Il not see my little friend Korea bothered. Anyway, l saw it firstr
 Out of me way.' says Russie. I'm interfering in the name of humanity and because | need the money. If you don't scatter I'll knock your head off in the interests of benevolence and peacei
 'Whurrool' yels Brave Little Japan, and lands a fine walop. right in the thick of the whiskers, when America's Oid Friend, Russia, isn't looking. Then they go at it, tooth and toenail, and when they get through there won't be enough left of Korea to chink up crack. Manchuria will look like a bottom meadow in blow time, and the Emperor of Korea will De playing seven-up with the Empress of China for enough ground to allow of a decs nt heather burial.
 National philanthropy is about as sin oere as the hand-shake of politician or any other green goods man. When two of the Powers go to war over 'encroach- ments on neutral territory l feel certain. without looking into the facts at all thar the disputed zone belongs to a wobbly- kneed nation with no spinal column, and Is sprinkled with gold mines, frinsed with valuable seaports or else consists of mighty rich grazing land.
 Personally. l won't care a pinch of snuff if Russia blows Japan clear out of the ocean, leaving a mere jagged hole in the water where Land of the Cherry Blos- soms used to be- Likewise I won't give a hang If Japan buries Russia under her own snow drifts. l can't seem to get prop erly mu5hy over either Bear or Bulldog. They are both out for what there is in Ii, and may the best beast win.
 There is small choice between them. anyhow. The only Japanese gentleman I ever knew right well. skinned me out of fifty dollars on about a quarters worth Of real S2tsuma ware made in Hoboken understood then why they call these in nocent children of the rising sun the Yankees of the Orient and I've sin.e heard that the little trown merchants aan give the original Yankees cards and spades on the wooder nutmeg idea I once hired q Russian, nobleman and political refugee on his own confession, to curry my horse. and one day he ran away with the harness. From what I've learned l am lucky that he didn't take the horse. 1 have had several of both breeds in court before me, and l am convinced they are both just people, like Americans or anybody else, and all the better for a lt- tie watching. The only thing either of the wants Is the best of it.
 Up to now. as I have intimated. all the agonized sympa thy my present state of health will allow has been worked off on nervous and shivering Korea. She still needs it, but at present I am trying tp forget all about the horrid war for the sake of my temper. I'm tired of finding out on Tuesday, how the Japs bottled up Port Arthur again. and of reading, on Wednesday how they didn't.
 That's the aggravating part of 1t. l can stand the fish story, the campaign lie the tax statement and other necessary forms of prevarication, but the wastefnl .nendacity of the war news must make the shade of old Ananias wonder why lie was struck dead. You get up one morn ing and gasp over a tale Of Japanese herosm, by way of Tokyo. that makes Arnold Winkelried and the bundle If Austrian spears he gathered into his breast seem as paltry as the wooden po- liceman in a Punch and Judy show Ton grab your paper the next morning and find out, by way of St. Petersburg. that it, never happened. This is a shock.
 What l want is a paper Athat prints only the Tokyo cores espondence, not be-