The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-02-29

me. She sent IN word that she had
brought very famous comic opera star
VINO is al present playing on Broadway
with her. and they would lunch with
me and I could be funny during the
luncheon.
= was very busy that day. OF course
il was a great temptation to be funny
be cariCatUred and entertain a comic
opera star at the sane time. Such luck
seldom falls 20 The lot Of a single man
] mean d married Ia5n.
1t was partly on that account, be-
ing married. you know, as well as for
other reasons. that 7 declined. The
young woman earicaturist sent word by
my manager that she was horribly in
digaant az she had brought the opera
star an the way around via the Bat
terry, the streets were so badly obstruct-
ed. and had told her in addition that
was dying 10 meet her and entertain
her at lunch.
You see, and Mr.. ForG's tone was
as dry as champagne. Il forgot to mer-
ton little incidents like that when
said that there was neither honor nor
reward in being known as humorous
speaker.
Simply looking at the matter from
the standpoint of making successful
speech. I would prefer to be invited to
speak at q dinner Of so-called mag
mates. Take one Of the bankers din
ners. for example.
"They usually have some tremendous
names down for speeches. They are
not cOntented with anything less than
a secretary of The treasury, q comp
troller or a United States senator.
If they can only get long. statisti-
cal speech from one Of these celebrities,
a discussion on inaEce or the repeti-
ton of recent legislative enactment
they think they've done all that could
be required by the most exaeting
guests.
After the company has had a dose
lof this for a couple of hours and 1
/ stand up To make a few remarks, my
success is assured before begin.
Il have some reputation as humor-
ist, and the first 1 know they are IN
spasms. falling OH the table. If they
wore gloves they would be in frag-
ments. If can only follow United
States senator I'm sure of applause.
Il expect to speak at the dinner OF
/ the Automobile club on Saturday night
It Will be the same old story
Some old man Will get up and tell
] how much it costs a square yard 10
build a macadamized road from here to
1 the Pacific coast. He'll tell how ma
/ cadam is made and how an automobile
( is made and he'll have all the figures at
! his finger ends.
I Hell talk on and on for about an
/ hour: and when I follow him and make
/ q few remarks III be told it's the great
/ est thing ever did. 1t won't be good
/ at all, but it win seem good. It's SIM
/ pie as the rule Of three when you know
( the combination.
! The hardest clubs to speak before
I . Frrfe
/ yacht club.
THAT is entirely different PROPOSE
: ton They are sure to have plenty OF
funny men; there won't be any long
winded speeches, and you are on your
mettle.
NO United States senator there to
! heIp YOU out with a pompous first ap-
! pearance. No. indeed. You're not the
/ only onel You've got to prepare an
/ entirely new output of eloquence- Moth
/ ing warmed over viii do.
II forgot TO mention that there have
been other emoluments attached TO the
/ fact of having my name exploited as
humorous speaker.
a representative of one OF the best
] known vaudeville theatres called upon
me one time. No, / won't mention
name and date here; it is not neees-
! sary. He said
j." Mr.. Ford, I have here with me q
| contract I want you TO sign.
"A contract? With vaudeville
| theatre?'
g Yes; we are very DESTROYS of having
I you appear twice every day in a mono
/ logue. OF course, we shall expect you
/ TO prepare your own mOnOlogue, and
we are ready TO give you Sl,5GO a week.
II thanked him. 1 was just trying t6
I Of arTf nv
| strongly enough so he would fully IN
/ derstand it, when he said:
l. Nov, we don't want you 10 say
! anything. Promise me that you vii
take the matter under consideration un-
til Saturday,
Il promised. What difference did i
/ make whether 1 refused then or sat
urday? I threw the contract into tbs
desk and forgot all about it.
Friday morning the papers came GU
with the announcement that ha4 IN
der. serious consideration a proposal t
/ appear at this vaudeville in origina
/ monoIogues.
yes. they had one original mono
/ logue for nothing.
"The other day I received an offel
from a prominent periodical here II
town to furnish them 500 words once &
week, for which I was to be paid 500
Now. I should love to earn money
like that, but I simply could not do 1t
u Five hundred words is too muchA
know. but 1 could not write an artfcl'
of that length continuously week IN ant
week out. might once or twice.
At know it is simply that 1 have
made a little fame in other directions
for L am told that my speeches al
ways sound better than they read, anC
I guess that is right. If / We're writ
ing for the press for my living,
/ don't suppose that 1 could make z
cents a column
Mr. Ford looked at the Interviews
/ critically.
twenty-five, corrected the latter.
Mr.. Ford admitted the proof coTrec
| ton and went on.
80 YOU see I don't really get any
| thing out Of this after-dinner oratory
not even fun, for 1 am not funn!
man. by wife says I am not, ant
she ought TO know.
Men who have the reputation o
being funny are seldom so tempera
/ mentally They are nearly all hypo
chondriacs; it is only because thel
have a sense of humor that they don
commit suicide.
"AH the professional men / have eve
known have been serious minded men
Mark Twain? Well, isn't he a iitth
irascible?"
e.The style of after-dinner speaking