The Montgomery advertiser., 1904-05-15

l o'eoupted 70 elope. IT the railroad
 had left him both his legs he might hay,
 tried it half dozen times. and still
 have made no stir in the world CTS in an invalid chair. propelled by tn, prospective bride interest in his pro- ceedings went up several hundred pei
 cent The worst of 1t was he didn'i ed the couple of. No man with two legs could have fought for his rights az lover more valiantly than the ter.
 sey City man. He had cemetery iol all paid for. he maintained. a pair of wooden legs: and $500 in cash, left out or the damages received from the rail- road thatamputated his limbs and with all that capital and a girl that loved him thrown in for good measure, he
 didn't see what right anybody had to prevent his getting married. Person ally, l agreed with him, but Jersey
 City magistrates and ministers thought
 otherwise. and the man was compelled
 70 reiinquish his matrimonial aspira-
 tions. That denouement gives me hope. Although at present I have no desire
 to elope. realize that since even a
 man with a wooden leg Is not frec from crazy delusions, there is possi- bflity of the notion striking me some time. and 1t Is a consolation to know
 that if 1t ever does come kind friends VIII interfere. as they probably would not do If had a real leg and were capable of taking care of myself. The second Jersey man earned for
 himself newspaper notoriety by bring
 Ing suit against the manufacturers of ms leg. on the ground that 1t squeaked.
 That was a famous trial even for New
 Jersey. Scores of wooden-Iegged peo-
 pie were present in the capacity of ex |.
 perts to testify pro and con to tho
 qualifications of a perfect leg. In this
 mass of testimony many curious state-
 ments were adduced, one of which was
 that the proper length of time to wear a sock on a wooden foot was one month. It was conceded. of course, that each person Is privileged to regulate inti-
 mate matters of that kind to suit his own convenience, but even so 1t is well to De up on the etiquette of such cases
 wooden legs. aside from figuring in municipal courts, have become a sub- 1ect of national and even international importance. The government at Wash ington had a mighty tussie with one Of them. That particular leg was made in Germany, but it belonged to a Chicago man. He bought 1t in Berlin and wore it home. That is. he wore it as far as the New York custom house. where 1t was seized and held as duti- able baggage. Although thus depriyed of one of his legs, the Chicago man put up pretty vigorous kick. He protested that the leg. since its annex ation. had become corporate part of his anatomy, and was entitled to go wherever he went, free of taxation. The government, on the other hand, in- sisted that the leg was a work of art. and as such was subject to high tariff. For weeks the battle ragged in Chicago, New York and Washington. Even the Secretary of the Treasury be-. came embroiled in the controversy. Through his intervention the status of the leg was finally reduced from art to family supplies. and the Chicago man recovered his standing in the world by paying the rate of assessment levied on that class of goods.
 "of all the people con demned to stump along through life on a wooden leg possi- ply the person who utilized his misfor- tune to the best advantage was the man in Maine who converted his leg into a portable saloon. That establish ment was an unqualified success. The man had large leg, and cultivated taste, hence his liquors were up to the mark in quantity and quality. The device for serving his customers was ingenious. His leg was built hollow, with faucet at the heel to draw off the drinks. It was convenient arr engagement, and the man with the wooden leg stumped all up and down the State of Maine dispensing hilarity In generous measures. Finally others began to emulate his example. Accord ing to the health reports, casualties increased in Maine at a rate that has not been equaled anywhere since Charles Lambs Chinaman discovered the succulent properties of roast pig. People who had no earthly business to be within ten miles of a railroad recklessly tumbled under the train and got their legs smashed. Of course all those accidents resulted in wood en legs, and all those wooden legs re- suited in joy unconfined. In fact, the whole State was fast becoming a cha otto combination of wooden legs and inebriation, and prohibition was tot tering on her throne, when the man who was irresponsible for the mad ca- rousal took an overdose of his own goods and thus exposed the secret of his own and other wooden legs. From then on the confusion began to sub side in Maine. Things have now become so quiet up there that most persons who wish to utilize their wooden legs for other than legitimate purposes pur- sue their nefarious practices else where
 50 much for woolen legs in the cur rent news. Other instances of their utility, their convenience, and their possibilities for romantic adventure might be cited, but the foregoing are sufficient to show that a wooden leg Is capable of achievements that the real article can never aspire to and that 1 should be base ingrate not to be sat- isfied with mine."