The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1904-03-23
PILGRIM JOE.
There Are Occasions When His ALLIE
viator Fails to Alleviate

Hevin' rested and refreshed myself for
three days in the young but enthusi- |
astic town of Tight Squeeze, I hitched
my old equine to the tintype wagon and
sot out in all confidence for the some
what distant collection of houses called
Old Hoss
Although my finanshul condition was
all that could be desired, and my health
was as rugged and steadfast as an old
cider bari left outdoors all winter, thar
was no song in my heart as 1 drove
along and viewed the beauties of natur
spread out on either side of me.
Thar seemed to be a sort O. sadness
In the wind which blowed through my
whiskers. and a sort O. melancholy in
the cry Of the buzzards as they warbled
to each other. and I could not get shet
of the feelin' that disaster was lynn in
wait fur me.
had driv distance of three miles
and was tryin' to think of sunthin' con-
solin' to say to myself when l came
across critter sittin' on the grass by
the roadside. He wasn't an old critter
who had cashed checks for strangers
and invested in South American silver
mines, but a young man of five and
twenty who was meetin' up with his
first real sorrer and pourin out his
grief over it.
My young friend, what hath befailen
thee?" I asked, as 1 stopped and got
down.
Go away. old mani" he answered
through his tears. as he looked up.
But goeth not. sorrerin' one,' I con-
tinued. as I reached out a benevolent
hand to Pat him on the head. "Mebbe
We don't know me. l am called Pilgrim
Joe, and my mission is to travel around
the kentry and cheer and console teller
humanity. Tell me the cause of thy
grief, and I'll bet cokernuts to cucum-
beers that I kin make it vanish away
and bring cheer to thv heart. Pour out
thy soul as if I was thine own father"
IT'S too late-too late!" he sobbed in
his hands. as he bent his body to and
fro
But do not despair. I hev taken
cases of sorrer and despair over a year
old and turned them into song and re-
joicin'. I'd really rather tackle one of
those old cases than sonnethin' fresh as
it gives greater credit to my remedies.
My son, didst thou pick up a humble
bee without rememberin' that it was
Ioaded?''
No
Pint a gun at thy father or mother
and helped them on the journey to a
better land than this?''
No"
"Didst put thy capital agin the ex-
perience of a friend and go into the
grocery business to find that all was
Vanitv2"
1T was not So" he murmured as a
sob shook his manly shoulders and
twitched the back of his neck
Then it's a case of disappointed love-
and thar'S hope fur thee. Didst love,
my son-didst love with such love
that thy appetite didn't even crave
sweet piclzles?"
He nodded his head and his knees
wobbled.
"Didst go about bleating like young
calf by day, and sleep at night to
dream that thou were of husband
milk2''
He nodded and wobbled some more.
And then one fairer to look upon,
or one with more of the long green
spend
mond tfaras showed uD and brought
about your throw-down- My son, 1
know how it is. I've been thar.
hev loved and lost about two hundred
different times since the blush of boy
hood got of my ears and until l dis
kivered the remedy which [ now alluS
carry with me I had a purity sorrerfu1
time of it. You hev bin thrown down
and your dreams of bliss shattered
and you don't feel that you kin ever
believe in red-headed gal agin. but
as I said mint ago, thar is hope for
thee
'.AIasf but can it be SOP" he ex-
claimed as he dug the tears out of his
eyes with his fists.
1T kin and it is. my son. Here is
a bottle of my Pilgrim Pain Alleviator.
It not only alleviates pains in the heels,
but in the heart as we'll. One dose win
set you to whistlin' the tune of Yankee
Doodle: two doses will cause your
heels to lift off the ground, and when
you have taken third you won't care
q durn for a ten-acre lot full of the
reddest red-headed gals you ever saw.
Imbibe, my son-imbibe. and let hope
chase sorrer far. far away
handed him the bottle and he
grasped at it as a drowning man
graSps at straws- and sat down be-
side him TO await results. 1 looked to
see the sunshine of happiness come
back to his face. but it didn't come.
and after waitin' for ten minutes
says:
Take another swig. my son. You
hev got it wuss than I thought for, and
it will take an extra dose to set the
wheels turnin'.''
He took a second dose, and I whiied
away few ninits in hummin' the air
of a song composed by myself at odd
intervals. 1t was a song calSerlated
to take sorrer by the neck and cast
her out of the human breast and give
happiness a chance to build her nest
therein but neither the Alleviator nor