The San Francisco call., 1904-06-26


over his eyes, an act which soon per-
ceived had become with him habit.
1 found myself speechless in his pres
ence. 1 was surprised at myself.
had always told myself that when
chance brought US together 1 would de-
nounce him and take vengeance; but
now that I was in his presence 1 felt
no anger-instead, 1 pitied him.
could easily see that he constantly
suffered great pain, that he was ply
sical wreck; and it was obvious that he
suffered mental agony no less intense
than the physical For the time, COM
passion banished my hatred
I continued giving Katia lessons four
times a week without so much as be-
traying a sign of my identity. Occa-
sionaIIy we would drift off the lesson
to the discussion OF other matters. We
talked of history, of novels. of poetry.
of characters in fiction. I often won
dered where 1 got the phrases and pic
turesque descriptions which I used in
making my ideas clear to her. I simply
drew inspiration from her to give it
back to her. Sometimes her look would
thrill me; then I would drop my eyes.
and when again I raised them would
see her cheeks suffused with bushes
and her own eyes burning with intense
emotion. I would wonder II that show
of feeling was induced py our talk-or
was IL an indication that she cared for
me? / realized that I was a nobody,
and therefore she could not care for
me; and yet how kindly, how sympa-
thetically she treated meme. a vaga-
bond, son Of the hated race, a child Of
persecution
I was playing with fire. I knew 1t.
and yet I loved to be burned. I'would
feel happy and miserable at the same
time. would become possessed at
once with jealousy and hatred OF my
self for harboring that jealousy. I rea-
soned that If she now loved me-Ivan
Petrowitch Russakoff-she had forgot
ten Israel Yudelowitch Abramowitch,
and I could not bear the idea that she
did not love my old self.
One afternoon I gave her my inter
probation Of Heines ''Traumbilder, II"
1 read with all the glow and enthus-
iasm with which this bard. whose soul
I understood better than that OF any
other poet, has always inspired me.
forgot my sorrows in feeling his. His
words seemed to me like drops of
honey dripping from poisoned honey
comb. His heart was poisoned with
the same venom that embittered my
own. 1 have always imagined when
reading Heine that when he laughed
tears were trickling down his cheeks,
and when he cried a smile of defiance
and irony played around the deep cor
ners of his mouth.
While I read, Katia sat with her lus-
trous eyes fixed upon me. She did not
once stir. She seemed as much pos
sessed by this magnificent lyric as
was.
Read it again. Gospodin Russakoff, T"
she asked. signing deeply, when I had
finished the last line. You speak like
poet yourself. and how your eyes
change from their steady brown to
pitch black, You remind me of Israel,
the Jewish boy I told you of" she
added. smiling family. Il almost fear
you when you read as you have done
your eyes look so strange when you are
aroused"
You must not be afraid of me-" I
said. thrown into throbbing confusion
by her words. Il am too weak to hurt
anybody"
The night following that afternoon
lay long time awake, my mind a prey
to incoherent thoughts and memories.
How your eyes change from their
steady brown TO pitch black" passed
through my mind again and again.
had never noticed the color Of my eyes.
She had. What could it mean2 You
remind me Of Israel, the Jewish boy 1
told you Of" I again recalled her
words Evidently the memory Of that
boy was still sweet to her, and evident
ly she was interested in me. Ny heart
almost leaped out of my breast at the
thought.
was near falling asleep from mere
mental exhaustion; my mind was raw
ing already-just a wink from uncon-
sciousness-when In the blank darkness
Of my chamber the form OF a female
shaped itself before me. Thick, light
brown hair with silky gloss, brilliant
ly smiling eyes, an exquisitely shaped
mouth with deep corners. fine arched
eyebrows. a fine bosom-it sremained
but a moment. then gradually faded
away. and in its place the small golden
cruciflx which Katia wore suspended
from fine gold chain around her neck
grew larger and larger until 1t assumed
the shape and size of female form. A
minute later the figure of a woman
again appeared, and again 1t vanished,
and that little golden cross was meta
morphosed into the form of a person,
and-behold! the features were mine.
Oh, that little golden crossl What
pangs and modification 1t added to my
wounded heartl AS soon as I would
begin to think of Katia (and when did
not think Of herO that tiny cross, as
II by magic. would appear before my
fancy, swaying to and fro and growing
larger and larger until It assumed the
size and proportions Of a human form
with my own features.
Weeks passed by. The hope that had
sprung up within me was soon sue
ceeded by doubt, by thoughts Of my
own insignificance. OF course I loved
her madly-loved her as no one else
had ever loved. thought But I had
also been in love many times with the
brilliant stars that shone on a serene
frosty night. And was I not as far
from my beloved Katia as I was from