Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1904-03-10

old friend, Thomas C. " sS{.
ticularly to the SENATOR Stpion, 81
am in town for business and reli-
gion." Then was contemptuou5
snort: why use eight words when
six would do? If Platt's going into
religion, 1t must be for business"
The following tale Is told Of the
Bishop Of London. Having INDUCED
that precarious pastime Of asking any
small boy or girl in the audience to
ask him a question, Dr. Ingram was
met by the following: Please, sir,
why did the angels walk up and down
Jacobs ladder when they had wings?
1t is sad to record that even the
Bishop Of London was driven to make
the usual humiliating and miserable
escape by returning, What little boy
or girl would like to answer this?"
Browning had maid in his service
who had a gift for saying quaint
things. When the poet was going to
pay the last mark Of respect to
George Henry Lewes, she said she
didn't see the good of catching cold
at other peoples funerals" And
once, when he was away on a holiday
and journalist came to the door to
Inquire If it were true that the poet
was dead, she Indignantly answered,
81 have not heard so, and | am sure
my mHeter is not the kind of man TO
do such a thing without letting III
know"
An English lawyer, who had been
cross-examining a witness for some
time, and who had sorely taxed the
patience of the judge, jury, and every
one in the court, was finally asked by
the court to conclude his cross-exami-
nation. Before telling the witness to
stand down, he accosted him with this
parting sarcasm: "Ah, you're a
clever fellow-a very clever fellow
we can all see that" The witness
leaned over from the box and quietly
retorted: Il would return the COM
pliment If were not on OATH
During the campaign Of 1900, when
people made pilgrimages to Canton,
o., to call on President Mckinley, a
delegation of commercial travellers
came, one day, and were cordially re-
ceived by the President. The spokes-
man, in thanking Mr.. Mckinley for
their reception, said: 1--WE are nearly
all your enthusiastic supporters
say nearly all, for there are seventeen
of us, and we are all good Republic
cans but one" Instantly the Presi-
dent responded: Gentlemen, am
glad to see you; you represent exact
ly the issue of the campaign-sixteen
to one"
Jack, the colored servant Of Lionel
Barrymore, has quite flock of child
rem, all of them with Biblical names,
as their father is very religious, ami
great student of the Bible. A boy
was added to the family not long ago,
and Jack confessed himself puzzled
as to a name for him. You see,"
he explained, "we'se bout 'sausted all
dem characteristic as David an
Amos an Solomon. De women sug-
gests Balaam, but Use calculatin' on
Hallowed." "Hallowcd?" Yes, sab:
de book Suggests it foh itself. Hal
lowed be Thy name sab. l reckon
We'll leave it dab, sah."
The intricacies of, the English
language are demonstrated by the
story of business man who, knowing
nothing Of horses, took his wife for
drive. He was anxious about the dis
position of the horse he was to drive,
and was assured by the liveryman
from whom he hired it that the ami
NAL was perfectly safe as long as the
reins were not allowed to become
mixed up with his tail. The city man
hesitated, but was encouraged to pro-
coed by the assurance. IF you just
keep the rein away from his tail
will be all right" AS he returned the
horse in the evening the liveryman
said: We'll, see you have had no
trouble" ooh. no." said the man;
1--WE had only one shower While we
were out, and my wife held her UNI
brella over his tail while that lasted"
A boy employed in his fathers shoe
factory in Salem, Mass, lost his finger
in machine. He sued his father for
damages and the verdict was in his
favor.
A Georgia editor defends the large
hats worn by women. He says that
they have their faults, but to us they
is the time we have sat behind them
in church and slept undisturbed
throughout a whole sermon"
A fond mother in an inland town in
Maine has son at Yale. She recently
wrote to President Hadley, of that in
stitution, to inform him that her be-
loved son is troubled with dyspepsia,
and requested that he will "see that
her sons landlady supplies him with
glass of fresh milk every night be-
fore retiring, as John Is SO forgetful
when studying"
Mamma, give me a penny" said
the seven-year-old son of Mrs. Annie
Devan, of Jamesburg, N. J. He saw
his mother sitting in a chair, and
made the request as he approached
her. No answer came, and the boy
manifested alarm. He rushed out
for a neighbor, who on arriving, dis
covered that Mrs. Devan was dead.
She had died of heart disease.
There was a great time in Great
Bend, Kansas, short time ago, when
it's new jail was finished and declared
ready for occupancy. The prisoners
were decorously marched from the
old Jail to the new one, but they must
not have been pleased with their new
quarters, for that night they all es
capped but two, and those refused to
face the wintry blasts, areading pneu-
monia. 49,.
Billion Dollar Grass. ..
When we introduced this remarkable
grass three years ago, little did we
dream 1t would be the most talked-of