The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1904-07-24
The GENIAL IDIOT.
The University intelligence Office
The University intelligence Office.
BY John KENDRICK BANGS

say concerning wares he had to sell He seems to
have. from your brief description of HIM that suaviy
OF which would surely secure his admittance
the houses of the elite and his sense Of humor
judge to be sufficiently highly developed TO enable
him to make sale wherever he felt there was the
renotest chance. Is he handsome.
Il am told that he looks like me- said the Doctor
pleasantly.
.Oh. well. rejoined the Idiot good looks aren't
essential after all Il would be better, though, If he
we're a Of fine presence II he's big and genial
as you suggest, be carry of his deficiencies IN
personal pulehritude."
The Doctor flushed a triges "Oh, Bill isn't so
plain" he observed airily. There's of your
sissy beauty about Bill, grant. but-oh we'll" here
the Doctor twirled his mustaehe complacently.
4 should thinkthe place for Bill would be on the
trolley" sneered the BibiOmaniac-
NO, sir returned the Idiot Never Geniahty
never goes the trolley. In the first place it Ism
appreciated by the management, and in the second
place it is dangerous gift for motoTman. l had
friend once-a college graduate of very much BIn5
kiBd-who went on the trolley as a conductor at -
a week and by lingo would you believe It, all his
friends waited for his and of course. ne never
asked any of EN- for their fare. Gentlemen he used
to say, welcome to my car. This is on me-
"Swindled the company by letting his friends ride
free. eh?" said the Bibliomaniae
Never" said the Idiot Pete was honest and he
hung EN- up same as anybody and of course had to
settle with the treasurer at the end OF the trip On
his first month he 50 out. Then he couldn't bring
himself to ask lady for money and if passenger
looked like sport Pete would offer TO match him for
his fare-doube or quits. Consequence was he lost
steadily All the hard luck people used 10 ride
with him. too and one nght-it bitter night in
December and everybody in the car was pretty near
frozen-Pete stopped his car in front of the Fifth
Avenue hotel and invited everybody board to come
IN and have wee nippy.' All except two old ladies
and Chnaman accepted, and, Of course, the report
ers got hold of it. told the story in the papers and
Pete was bounced. 1 don't think the average college
graduate is quite suited by temperament for the troll
ley service"
@AiI of which is intensely interesting" observed
the Bibomaniac, but don't see how it helps to
na1-.o
vincng."
TT helps in this way" said the Idiot 1--WE shall
have board of inspectors made up of with some
knowledge of human nature, who will put these thon-
sands of young graduates through crossexamination
to find out just what they do. Few of EN- have
the slightest idea OF that and they'll gladly pay for
the assistance We propose to give them when they have
discovered that they have taken the first real step
toward securing useful and profitable occupation. If
a valedictorian comes into the University Intelligence
Office and applies for job, well put him through
third degree examination and if we discover in him
those restfu qualities which go TO the making of
good plumber, we'll set about TO find him a job IN
plumbing establishment. II a Greek salutatorian in
search OF position has the sweep of and general
uplift of that indicates useful career as
window washer, viii put him in communication
with those who need such person.
How about the coldly supercilious young man who
knows it all and wishes to lead life of elegant leis-
ure. yet must have wages? asked the Bibliomaniac.
"Our colleges are turning out many such"
Hes the easiest proposition in the bunch" re-
Piled the Idiot IF they we're all like that our for
tunes would be established in week
"In what way? persisted the Bibliomaniac.
I'm two ways" replied the Idiot Such persons
are constantly in demand jantors of cheap apart
rnent houses which going UP with marvellous ra-
pdity all sides of and editors of 1Ocent mag
azines of which, the average, there are, believe
five new ones started every day of the year including
Saturdays Sundays and legal holidays"
4 say. Mr.. Idiot" said the Doctor later That was
bully idea Of yours about the University Intelligence
Office 1t would be lot Of help to the thousands Of
youngsters who are graduated every yeaT-but don't
think it's practicable Just yet. What wanted TO ask
you is if you could help me with Bill.
Certainly l can" said the idiot
Really" cried the Doctor.
YES indeed said the Idiot. Il can help you lot
How? What shall do?" asked the Doctor.
Take my, advice whispered the Idiot. Let Bill
alone He'll find himself. You tell that by his
answer"
"Oh" said the Dostor, lapsing into solemnity. 81
thought you could give material suggestion
to what to do with the boy"
"Ah. You want something specific, eh?" said the
idiot.
YES" said the Doctor.
well-get him a job campaign speaker. This
is a great year for the stump said the Idiot.
THAT isn't bad" said the Doctor. which side?"
Either" said the Idiot. Cor both. Bill has adap-
liability and between you and me, from what hear
the street both sides going to win this year.
they do Bills fortune is made
Copyright, 1904. by K H. Holmes.