The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1904-02-14
BETTER THAN EPITAPHY.
e Ider pleads Eoquenty Cheering Words During the
Dark Hours OF Life Compliments on Tombstones
WHY WOMAN AT THE TELEPHONE is A TERROR

thusiastlc audience to cheer and goad
him on in his supposed eloquence.
There is Inherent In every man a
deeply abiding conviction that he Is an
ora tor. And what's worse, they all Try
to make their wives think the same way.
Even those who habitually abstain from
speaking In public, 30 through life with
q canker-worm in their bosoms. for day
in and day out they sorrow for the un-l
happy world which gets mo- opportunity
to hear them talk. When think OF
what Mrs William Jennings Bryan has
suffered In; the last decade or so,--of the
speeches that have been read to her ny
that husband OF hers--I feel that nothing
in this country would be too good f0r
the long tortured woman
While the ill.tlmed and utterly unde-
served attack OF the acrimonious matron
quoted should be attributed to peevishness
caused by tho recent unseemly conduct
OF our washerwoman rather than to any
actual weakness OF my own character, |
must admit that her remarks certainly
apply 10 the great majority OF men-ln
fact to all Of them save myself. Often
and over again have thought how much
our bosses might pull out of us during
work days II they'd only sugar up few
words OF praise and dish them up to us
during business hours. While they may
suspect and fear that liberal commendn.
ton would be met with prompt de-
mand for an increase OF pay. can assure
them con behalf OF my fclloW-workers)
that masculine vanity Is far above
ava rice But our bosses, alas, 10 queer
critters. They apparently don'tknow what
concerns their own welfare. Willingly
AYE, almost checrfully-nfter our deaths
they consent to net ns pallbearers at our
funerals, to send floral designs which.
quickly Wlther over us IN Wlnd-swept
cemeteries and to say eulogistic' things
to our tear stained widows; but while we
live and perspire for them, they arc fierce
and lowering, and as hard to please as
"a teething baby. In heavens name, why
don't they try little taffy, even though
they have to tear the ninth command
mont Into sherds BY so doing. Tor surely
tafry is a benevolent, Yenial kind Of lie
which causetl Its nearer to be pulled
Oft and to gloat over his own Importance,
1T neither casteth money nor harmeth
humanity and OFT times It beareth rich
fruit. What is more, 1t reqnlreth the
smallest of mental exertion from the
fabrlcator. All he needs must do IS
to lay it on heavily-pile It on With a
metaphorical butter paddle, None need
seek to avoid exaggerntiveness3 in the
manufacture OF taffy for those who feast
upon It would fan be gormed up with
the ever palatable delcacy, Women, ac-
cordng to the treasured cradle rocker or
my domicie get the bulk or their laIy
before marriage. unless, indeed. they are
SO lucky as TO be widows, whereas men
must have II from infancy to senility.
5"Ah,'' says the ineSorable critic, OF the
so-caled stronger sex, brides don't know
what an eephnntine contract they are
taking on their hands when they 30 20
the altar Little do they suspect lhat
the marriage VOWS carry with them an
implied agreement to Supply pefpetuat
8blarneY for husbands--to straighten out
8unending kinks iii masculine character
ny a lavish output Of Stlattery and bare,
faced taffY, When . man gets theyona
these VI eaknesses, smallpox iSYyl Asia ~