Devils Lake inter-ocean. (Devils Lake, Ramsey Co., Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1905, 1903-06-19
COLLAR PHILOSOPHY

There are few subjects which should be
discussed with anything but an impartial
mind if it is desired to render a just opinion
on their merits and dement's, and the subject
of collars is assuredly no exception to this
rule. At the same time it must be admitted
that the only proper way to discuss this
subject is first to remove lt-a somewhat
paradoxical statement. but perfectly clear TO
all who atfec; collars and are aware of their
tendency TO irritate one ii one is at all heat
ed, as may naturally be expected in debate.
Thus the collar, if retained. would become
one Of the strongest arguments against it
self.
Therefore, We will remove our collar and
plunge at once into q discussion of the rea-
sons for its existence, its good points and
its shortcomings. and it's ultimate fate, and
endeavor, if possible, to decide whether the
world would be any happier or brighter for
the abolition of collars, or whether collars
per Sc have added to the gayety Of nations.
The exact time when collars were first
worn canno be set down with any degree
Of certainty, but it 10 reasonable to assume
that they came into being for atilitarian
rather than for ornamental purposes. 1t 10
we'll known that the collars Of our medic
val ancestors were substantial enough to
protect the throat from the swords and pixies
OF belligerent acquaintance, and it is to be
conjectured that the immediate forbears OF
the modern collar had an equally useful il
not 30 strenuous an origin. As a matter
of fact. then, it would appear at first glance
that the collar of to-day is but a degenerate
descendant of such weighty progenitors; but
. survey of the uses to which collars are now
put should convince one that the plain linen
band has grounds for existence equally well
based with those of its grsat-great-g great
very .great-grandparents.
In the first place, collars serve to overcome
the shortcomings Of nature. A six-inch neck
with q protruding Adams apple could never
hope to get on in the world unassisted by q
collar. Such u neck would be simply i'm
possible. Similarly a one-inch neck with a
four-ply chin. Some Of our greatest tinan-
ciers and most astute statesmen would be
wallowing in sloughs Of despond to-day were
It not for the ubiquitous collar. Hence the
variety of collars, and hence the necessity
for keeping ones neck we'll groomed. The
farmers boys who achieve national fame
doubtless owe much to the collar they
donned when they entered upon an urban
career. The rich mems sons who waste
their talents and meander through life mon
uments to failure may justly attribute man
of their errors to an ill-advised selection of
collars. Everything has a place and every
neck has a collar. but not any collar.
Again, collars are hygienic in the extreme.
This may not appear true on the surface,
but may safely be stated in view Of the
weird discoveries that the medical gentle
men are now making. We live in a world of
germs. The food We eat, the water we
drink, the very air We breathe are all laden
with insidious, wicked and death.dealing or
ganisms of less than atomic corporeality but
more than monstrous activity. Everything
with which we come into contact is germ
laden, the wise men of the mortar tell us.
Through the very pores of our skin death
blows are delivered. Now, the neck is one
of the weakest parts Of the human body, and
at the same time is one of the most impor-
tant parts. The collar guards the neck
against the satanic germ. Eureka! a new
reason for wearing collars is discovered.
Still further, collars form an index to the
progress of a nation. The peoples who wear
collars are incomparably further ad-
vanced than the peoples who leave
their necks AZ nature provided them.
Even the savages who string beads
into a species of collar are on a higher
intellectual plane than their fellow savages
who do no: run to beads. In our own coun-
try a striking example of the importance
of collars from a national standpoint is sf-
forded by the Chinese exclusion act. DO you
think We would ever nave excluded the Chi
nese if they wore collars? But spread the
news not abroad. Should the benighted
laundrymen of Chinatown ever learn that
all their fellow countrymen need do in order
to get an entrance into this delectable king
dom is to don collars, the well laid plans Of
congress would be agley forever. Our collar
makers would dance a merry fling, but the
rest of the nation would pay the piper.
In truth, collars have their shortcomings,
too. We nave already limited At one fault
the tendency to ~irritate one when one IL
heated-and we have obviated this fault,
for the present, by removing our collar. But
there are times when the collar cannot with
propriety be removed. Such occanons ere
multiplying daily with the ever-increasing
variety of parlor games being placed on the
market by enterprising dealers. A ping pong
enthusiast, for example, must feel worried
when he is called upon to display his skill al
4 social gathering. How he would like to
rip that band of linen from his neck, but he
burst not violate the conventionalities. And
his opponent. a chubby faced college you'll
with comfortable turn-down collar, or .
sporting dominic with queer, stnbby, little
turn-up, grins AT him comfortably, while he,
perspiring in mis- ridiculous but fashionable
choker, makes ludicrous and feeble attempts
to drive, cut or kill the tiny celluloid sphere.
Moreover, if it were not for collars We
would not be cursed with collar buttons.
those imps OF mischief who delight to frolic
in most unexpected quarters while their az
grievrd owner is hunting for them on ach-
ing knee. But there-everyone will be sat
is6ed with a mere hint at that line of argu-
ment. The subject is distasteful to = we'll.
regulated mind, and the morbid should never
be encouraged.
Taking all things into consideration, the
problem presented by the collar is one that
every man should solve for himself. 1t sin-
ply means that the collarless man is likely
TO have much physical comfort but possibly
nothing OF worldly success, while the collar
wearing individual. will probably have
| riches, honor and advancement thrust upon
him, but certainly none of the physical en-
joyments attendant upon the existence led
by the other fellow. Which do you pre-
fer? Just think a bit about tn. Y. Times.