The Montgomery advertiser., 1903-08-30
Nit Martin Tells of
 Montgomery Water

Did youse ever here tell of a burg tagged Montgomery down wonder in de State where de home sick fellow wants to go in de popular ballad. Didn't? We'll It's de limit Youse can pick up de come-on book of mighty near any of de cities and all of dem are four flushing about having de best or something or other but dat Montgomery has got em all skinned. You takes dis Birmingham De pres of de Industrial Society hands you a con about de mines. Chase yourself to Milwaukee and de Mayor Is, always saying zwei beer Every burg has got its speciality but Montgomery's sceuter card is-wat tell do youse tink? Water!
 Well de nerve of town dat would tell youse about water. took de breath out of your Uncle Thirsty and I got 1t in the block to see wat kind of freaks lived in dat sort of a metrop.
 I landed dere one night and de first ting 1 did was to butt into muddy river. Ain't nothing particlar swell about de stream, so I was wise dat de inspiration for de Montgomery poet de winding Alabama wasn't de whole show. So I bikes up long street and let me tell youse, If dat town has got four aces in de water line, it ain't running no bluff game on drunk factories. Dere as many jag incubators dere as dere Is fountains. I tried em both and I got wise to de fitness of everything, when I drank dat good water after dallying with dat Cap | ital City zoozeline.
 Although dere's water fountains on every corner, de trouble is in getting de | water. Say, it takes one of your Sher- l lock Holmes interllects to do biz with dose fountains. De best folks has reg ulation hydrants, but for de transient public dere Is nuttin doin' with dem fountains. You goes to a corner so thirsty dat you actually wants water. De fountains are a cross tween a hitching post and a Coney Island strength tester. Works with kind of push rod. only de rod don't push. I waltzes up to one of the bricks, where four nigers and a cur dog was drinking, and washing dere tootsies. grabs little fiat iron ting, dat is chain ed to de hitching post part, labeled dip per-" so youse can tell wat 'tis, and takes a Jim-Jeff punch at de push rod. We'll dere aint nuttin doing. punches 1t agin, but I began to opine dat if I wanted water from dat ting I would have to call in wat de rum navy guys calls de ram Katadin to help. So calls de coons and de dorg and togedder we showed de shuvver. Well, when dat wa ter comes, 1t don't hesitate. It's veloc- ity would make Lou DilIon's record blush like kid on his first pay day De water hit dat con game dipper like a Yale fullback. and in less'n time to tell 1t I was as wet as de Atlantic. Say, I don't mind taking on a water or so, wen ! can't get better, but my constitution and by laws won't stand fer a bath. So calls a cop, who wuz telling de bar keep near by bout de police commission bill Wat kind uv a mitt is dis youse handin me?" sez I. q looks fer a drink and gets a bath"
 Dat, my friend" sez de thirsty and philosophic pinch artist, lis de outburst of de genius of a majority of de gents dat comprise de City Council of dis city Dey got religion about four months ago and draws up resolutions dat de people of Montgomery should be encouraged to take on water internally occasionally. We'll and good. Dey puts desc nice little founts on each corner. But de people didn't take kindly to de game, dat is de whites didn't, although de small boys nigers and dos, and insane, occasionally goes after de game. So de city fathers, in another brilliant moment provides fer public baths. But dey wanted 1t on a cheap plan and dey didn't want dere con- stituency to get wise on de fact dat de Council wanted dem to bathe. So dey calls in a plumber. Screw de push ar engagement a little higher, dey tells him. Sc when de wtaer comes. it'll come sho' nun. He did and dat's de reason you drew a bath instead of a drink"
 De next day I tips 1t off to de main guy at de Commercial Club. Leslie me friend" sez I, wen you gets out your next booklet, call on de Council and tell dem to invent a way to drink de fine water. or else de fine talk what youse has been throwin' at de common herd is up agln' 1t proper.
 MT MARTIN,
 Per L. F. ".