Waterbury evening Democrat., 1903-10-14

HANS. vHAs YOUR NAME PETERY don't like to find Hans. It vnas a mean trick on man who loves hIs country You vhas too fresh, und if you come down here I'll fix you outv' don't go down, but my wife vhas scared und don't go to sleep for two hours. It wasn't right by me. like to be Peter to oblige somebody, but how can I be when vhas Hans? Nobody can be two mans, can he?~Some odder night when vhas drea ming avhay somebody rings dot bell und wakes me cop. I look oudt und find q man, und he says:
 'sVhell, I vhas here"
 "Und who vhas you?'' asks.
 My name vhas Shones.'
 "But don't know you,'' I says.
 Dot makes no deeference My name vhas Shones, und if you ever like to see me vhill be around
 T shall neffer like to see you''
 But vhas Shones just der same der only Shones in America.''
 can't make him out. If he vhas Shones, und if he likes to do some business init me, vhy don't he come by daylight? All vhas strange und queer in dis country. Two days ago man comes in my place und looks around . und says:
 'sVhas your name Shoseph ?''
 No; it Shas Hans Vhas you look ing for Shoseph"
 '"Oh, nor!
 svhas you looking for Hans?'
 "No.''
 "vhell, how vhas it?''
 "It vhas all right. I shust ask if you vhas Shoseph.' "But if vhas himY'
 Den you vhas not Hans. See P
 Maype some one else see, but don't. It seems to me dot if somepody can come und talk to me like dot I should haf der law on him. I speak to Mir. Voglestein about it, und he says der man vhas a dry shoker. If he vhas dry, vhy don't he buy some beer to vet cop? If he likes some shokes, vhy don't he laugh? I shall damage dot man if he comes some more. vhas gone home der other day because don't feel vhell, und vhas sitting by der door when man comes along und says:
 How about dot money"
 "Vhat moneyw
 Dot $2O,0OO you found in der alley?" "But don't find him."
 "sVhy notT'
 "Pecause don't hear of him." "But vhy don't you?"
 tfPecause nobody tells me"
 "But vhy don't somepody tell you?" Und he goes on dot vhay for ten min utes und den runs avhay. don't make him oudt. Nobody loses $20,O0O, und nobody finds $2o,OOO, und yet dot man asks me about it. yhas so excited I don't sleep all dot night. Und how about dot man und brick? vhas in my place when he comes in init par eel. He looks all around und says he vhill lock der door und be secret. He walks on Hptoe und speaks in whispers. He puts dot parcel on a table und takes off ten papers und says:
 Hans, how vhas dot?"
 ssIt vhas a brick.''
 Did you ever see one beforeT'
 "Lots of times, of course"
 "vhell, I vhas surprised about dot. IT you never seen one he VhaS a curl osity. He vhas made of clay, und he vSas used to build walls. You can't burn him cop, like wood, und he last ten years.'
 "But what of it?'' says.
 "Oh, nottings. I shust like to do you kindness, you know. It vhas all right, und don't you say nottings. Mum vhas der word. Hush! S'death!'
 Dot makes me mad. Don't I see some bricks before? Don't know all about bricks? Must dot man lock der door und speak in whispers to show me brick? How vhas it dot sooch things vhas in America? Two nights ago some one kicks on my door und makes great noise und scares me awful bad. When look out feller says:
 Hello, you! Vhas you asleep when kick on der door?'
 Of course I vhas. Vhas der some trubbles P
 T guess not.''
 '3No fire, no robbers?"
 .sNo."
 sRut why you kick on my door2"