davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1903-05-24
Oldest Joke on Record
IT will be difficult to discover an old

1T will be difficult to discover an old
l er practical joke than that of the
coppersmith and the maker OF brazen
images for the temple of Osiris, which
is embodied in Egyptian inscriptions
dating from the reign Of Menes. found
er Of Memphis, who ruled over 1000
years ago.
According 70 ancient records. there
dweIt, between these two craftsmen, a
quiet man whose desire was for peace,
and who was sadly disturbed by the
noisy occupations carried on by his busy
neighbors.
He therefore asked each Of them to
say for what sum they would change
their dwellings. This they did; each
calculated the amount required, and ne,
being satisfied. paid It over to them
NOW he asked of the coppersmith,
where is your new dwelling?"
Il have taken that of the maker of
images" was the reply.
And YOU" qUericd the quiet man OF
he latter, whittier goest thou?''
To the house OF the coppersmith,"
This IS one of many tales. told in all
ages, which are woven into myth and
Iooend ard diffe" only In local color.
The Washington times., 1903-05-24

the Great South Bay when he was young,
forgot his govt and fastened with all
speed TO see the start OF the race, which
was once and for all to decide whether
Knickerbockers or listers were to hold
sway IN the yachting world behind the
great gray wall.
Its a fine breeze" said the general;
"a spanking breeze. Craving your par
DON" he added, softly, for recalling
aught that might offend the very young. 3"
He leaned on his cane. and when the
Anemone III was permitted to enter the
waves he reached forth with his staff
and turned the craft in such a manner
that she headed straight across the
shimmering expanse. She stood away
on the starboard tack, with every sail
full and drawing.
THAT is a game said the colonel
lat which two can play"
He leaned forward. and with walking
stick brought the Steadfast around SO
that she, too. got the full benefit OF
tho breeze, for she had been hanging
In the wind waiting for her skipper
to give her chance.
No time was lost. The listers and
The Washington times., 1903-05-24

Challenges had been exchanged be-
tween the Knickerboclzer Yacht Club and
the Ulster Squadron, and the day for
the race had been set. By the lake, at
times smooth as glass, at others stirred
by breeze which rippled its surface,
stood the thickly-clad partisans of the
Anemone III. Poised on the edge of that
body of water which had made Central
Park famed among all yachtsmen as the
Steadfast, on which the Knickerbockers
had pinned faith and sails. Ebert Gale,
chief owner Of the noble craft, stood on
the shore near the starting point, swing
ing his cap and calling every few min
utes that the yacht was as steady as a
church.
And as slow" added Robert Leech,
the commodore Of the listers.
The day was bright and sunny and the
news of the race had drawn to the lake
a great throng. AS everything was made
ready for the contest of Jibs and spin
makers and faring sails the excitement
yachts were hastily placed on board.
Jump Jack, veteran OF hundred squalls.
stood at the wheel of the Steadfast-
Hank Yarn, his suit of blue the worse
for wear, was dashed to the tiller of the
Anemcne III. The slanting rays OF the
sun caused a smile to appear on the fad
ed and worn face Of Hank Yarn. as he
threw raveled sleeve carelessly over
the steering gear and leered at the in
terested spectators.
Old men who had been walkeding In
the park went down to the edge of the
lake by scores. The general was there,
leaning on his stout cane. The colonel,
who said that he had sailed catboats IN
The Washington times., 1903-05-24

do you think we have time before ?
o'clock
Sure" cried Shorty" drawing out
his watch, which with wise forethought
ne had turned back ten minutes. You
see, It's only twenty minutes 10 by my
watch
We'll. come on!'' cried McChesney,
with sudden determination, well have
try. anyhow"
shorty" could have Ieaped for joy,
but not a word or look betrayed his
triumph
We'll, you lead off and set the pace. -
he said. and the next moment the two
bows were running lightly over the soft
grass toward the corner of the field
nearest the chestnut tree where shorty
and Feaster had been caught out of
bounds.
The instant that Shorty" and his com
panion were under way four watchful
boys behind the drill hall cleared at a
leap the fence into the next field and
went speeding across, by a short cut,
toward the chestnut tree.
"Oh. my" suddenly cried shorty" as
they drew near the first turn. Just wait
a moment a-stitch-in-sidei
Instantly McChesney came TO a halt,
and violently painting, approached his
companion, who was leaning on the fence
as though in severe pain.
"What's-what's the natter" he pant
ed. "A stltch?"
for like a tiger Shorty turned and
threw his arms about him.
Let 90 o. me, What do you mean?"
cried McChesney angrily, struggling as
though in the grip of devilAsh, TN re
port you"
We'll. perhaps. later on, but not just
yet" was the calm reply. "At present
you Just climb through that fence and
come along with me; some friends Of
mine are waiting for you
This is an outrage" began McChesney
angrily but a sudden twist OF his left
arm caused his protest 10 end in cry
of pain.
sistance, so without further protest he
crept through the fence with his jailer.
Now. march double timei" ordered
Shorty" and captor and captive broke
into a sharp trot in the direction of the
fatal chestnut tree On passing the wheat
field the four other members OF the ban1
cane in sight-Feaster, Saunders
Monkey Sans and boy named Love
joy-comfortably seated within its shade
ard awaiting their arrival.
Battalion halt" cried shorty" and
McChesney brought up with sharp ex-
clamation as a final twist was given
10 his wrist.
Captain" said Shorty" salutirg
Sans, Il have to report the capture OF
this spy and informer. He was taken
red handed
Very well, sentry, he Will be tried
red-handed. Prisoner, sit down"
Sans pointed TO a heap OF burrs at
the trunk of the tree.
What Is the meaning of this out
rage?" creid McChesney angrily. Il win
report"
But he got no further. for at q sign
Sans. Saunders, and Loyejoy seized hin.
and with a deXterous twist they landed
him directly on top of the burr heap.
"G--rt' CO... ut. ~ .-cr-.,.r.,.-..-
The Washington times., 1903-05-24

And jumping. Can't Saunders jump
farther backward than you can forward,
hey? He won't answer, won't he? Well,
just press him down more comfortably
into his seat"
The two boys made a movement to
obe--.
NO. no! I'll answer" cried the IN
fortunate lad. yes, Saunders can beat
me jumping I acknowledge he can"
Prisoner" suddenly cried Sans, lis
there anything you can do better than
anybody else, even if it's only shooting
marbles %
Hes pretty good at reporting peo-
pie" suggested Feaster, but Sans waved
him aside
Stand up" continued the relentless
judge. NO, you needn't bother about
getting those sIickers out till you get
back TO the academy They'll keep. Ca
det McChesney. we have given you a fair
and square trial, and since you have
sworn that you did not report your two
classmates the court has graciously de-
cided TO acQuit you of the charge. But
don't try it again. One word more. We
have wasted our valuable time in prov
ing your inferiority TO your schoolmates
from algebra up TO jumping, so just re-
call this pleasant half hour the next
time you are tempted to turn UP your
nose 1T your SuDeIIOIS- 10 you see
that path? Well, march. And if you
rC-ort us"
The threat was lost on McChesney,
who was already speeding like kildare
in the direction of the academy
''S'pose he gives us away!' murmured
Saunders. weakly. They'll fire US"
"Oh. but he won't said Sans, reas-
suringly; those burrs viii remind him
not to for some time 10 come"
md Sans was right.
The Washington times., 1903-05-24
Dog and Adjective Game.

This is very simple game. but it may
readily be made very helpful one to
those who desire-as who does not p
TO increase their knowledge of words.
1t may be placed without preparation
and will be played in that way, per-
haps, as rule; but to make it give the
best service IN a teaching way. arrange,
If convenient, so that the players may
know OF 1t a day or so in advance. In
that case they may have a chance to look
over their text books or the dictionary.
to become familiar with as many adjec-
ttves as possible.
The players seat themselves in two
rows, facing each other, and the first
player on one side begins by saying,
Our dear little dog is active
Then the player opposite to him must
take up the phrase, and before the first
player can count ten must substitute
some other adjective beginning with "a
for active" thus, "our dear little dog
is amiable." If he fails, he drops out
of the game; but If he gives a correct
answer, he then counts ten while the
second player on the other side is get
ting an answer ready.
Thus the phrase passes from one side
to the other, until all the players on one
side are out.
The Washington times., 1903-05-24

dore OF the listers. and of Gilbert Gale.
Of the Knickerbockers, made the park
ring with their yells. Hank Yarn and
jump Jack. on board the rival Yacht
seemed to have lost all interest, for
grlnning and lazy, they bent over wheel
and tiller and gazed into each others
faces. smiling in their own meaningless
wa.
Il seemed for one brief moment as
though the Anemone III would win, rs-
she reeled and spun, and heeling over
on her port side left the Steadfast six
lengths behind The breeze was too
strong for her, however. and the strain
Ing Of her top hamper sounded like the
wall of an overloaded market basket.
Il told you the topsail was too heavy -
cried the general
He had hardly spoken than the Ane-
mono III keeled completely over on her
side and dipped her sails in the ripping
waves.
The steadfast easily swept past her
caDsiZed rival
Look at that" cried the Colonel
The Steadfast is skimming it with a
chip on her hat. She's as steady as a
church.
The Steadfast. strong and fit. was
borne home in triumph and today she
is hailed as the queen of all the craft
which skim the waters of the great
yachting lake Of Central Park.
The Washington times., 1903-05-24

Now. how in the world did that little
fellow get here?"
That was what Lieut.. Robert Kit
fridge, OF the United States cruiser An
telope,- said to himself one day in the
South Pacific Ocean as q beautiful sea
swallow few into the starboard rigging.
And no wonder that Lieutenant Kit
tredge made that ejaculation, for his
ship, the Antelope, was over 500 miles
from the Western coast of South Amer
lea, and no vessel had been sighted that
day. and 1t was then afternoon.
First, he would put his pretty head
upon one side, then upon the other, and
look at Lieutenant Kittredge in such an
inquiring manner that Lieutenant Kit
tredge wished that his little boy and
girl could see him. But, of course, that
was impossible, for they lived away of
in the State of Massachusetts, thou
sands OF miles from the vast and lonely
South Pacific, and Lieutenant Kitredge
had not seen them for nearly three
years. That thought made Lieutenant
Kittredge sigh, and say, as he dropped
into a steamer chair:
Il wish l were that little sea swallow
would do some pretty swift flying in
the direction of the old Commonwealth
of Massachusetts, and of little boy and
girl l used TO know pretty well once
upon a tiInei"
And then strange thing happened,
for as Lieutenant Kittredge's head sank
upon his breast his soul seemed to en-
ter that OF the swallow, and the swallow
flew away toward the coast OF South
America-up the coast-across Central
America, over the Gulf of Mexico. up
the Atlantic. through Massachusetts
Bay, up Boston harbor, until it reached
Minots Ledge, the most famous light
house on the Atlantic Coast On the tip
top Of Minots Ledge it alighted and rest
ed little; and then. reinvigorated,
away it few, and never stopped flying
until it landed on lawn in West New
ton.
About o'clock that evening Lieuten-
ant Kittredges wife and children were
sitting at the supper table (for in the
country they have diner at midday.
when little Bobby Kittredge said. excit-
eddy, to his mother and Httli sister,
Mynny:
Look at that strange little bird peer
ing in at the window"
The window was Immediately raised by
The Washington times., 1903-05-24

youth, but as an attempt to rise was
accompanied by a threatening move
ment on the part Of his two guardians
he thought better of the matter ard
continued to repose on his Seat of tor
ture, squirming in agony.
Prisoner said Sans gravely, "in
future you will be even more of a stick
to proceed with the trial. You have
spying and informing. You are, there
fore, to be tried, not by drumhead,
but by a chestnut burr, court martial.
Are you guilty or not guilty of inform
ing on Cadets Carson and Feaster?"
Il am not guilty. swear I am not
guilty. l never told on EN-, honest"
You never told on 'em honest Well,
I never for a moment supposed it was
honest. However, you say that as
though you really believed it yourself,
so we won't press that charge. There
are others. Is it true, McChesney, that
you are the cleverest boy, in the third
class? The prisoner will please stop
wriggling- 1t disturbs the court"
Il didn't say I was the cleverest boy
replied McChesney. Prof. Perkins said
so.''
And Prof. Perkins teaches Sunday
school, tool" sighed Lovejoy tragically.
Prisoner continued the presiding
judge, did not 'Dutchy Schmidt yester-
day solve that problem in geometry you
got stuck on?"
Yes, but
Never mind any but. Isn't Thistle
woods average in algebra higher than
ycurs?"
Yes" admitted McChesney reluc-
family
We'll. hat is enough on that subject
simply wanted to show you that there
are others beside yourself, even in the
unimportant branches of algebra and
geometry. Now for the things that
really count. How old are you?''
Sixteen
Say sir when you speak to your SUI
periors. You acknowledge, don't you,
that Lovejoy can put you on your back
five times in two minutes? Or shall
order him to do 1t? Speak,
Yes, he can do it, said McChesney.
sullenly.
The Washington times., 1903-05-24
Cadet StOTies-A Lesson in Values.
By w. w. WHITELOCK.

Young McChesney was so good that it
was likely TO hurt him
At least that was the verdict on the
stuck-up little red-headed prig by
Shorty" Carson and his particular
gang" at the Norwood Military Aca-
deny. They did not specify, though, by
what means the hurt might come
Shorty" and Feaster had been caught
by the officer of the day out of bounds,
and in punishment therefor they had
been placed on the fourth delinquency
and given delinquent guard for two
weeks. Suspicion was strong in their
minds against McChesney as the in
former. and they determined on revenge
a the expiration of the period of pun
ishment
Twelve days later, on Saturday after
noon, as young McChesney was 1ounging
Shorty" sauntered carelessly toward
him.
Why. hello, McChesney!" he cried.
Il haven't seen you for coon's age.
Where have You been keeping your
self"
'Oh, I've been working pretty hard
lately" he replied. I'm going to lead
the class this year
Indeed" exclaimed the elder youth.
Then you're pretty apt next year to be
sergeant major or first sergeant. ain I
you?'
'-Of course l am. Colonel Wells has
already spoken to me about my mathe-
NAUTICAL recitations.''
We'll. that's not so remarkable; he
spoke to me. too, about mine. I don't
Imagine, though, he said quite the same
thing 10 u.s.
BY the way" exclaimed Shorty"
suddenly, Il hear you're great runner
How fast can you do a mile in?'
''oh, something under six minutes"
Six minutes?" cried Shorty" evil
IDENTIFY deeply impressed. Now. I tell
you what let's dots just q mile
around the edge of the field here, so
let's you and me take turn round and
see how long it takes US. I'm pretty
good on runnin' myself. but of course,
l can't do mile as fast as you
Well" said McChesney, doubtfully,
The Washington times., 1903-05-24
- 49, eIGElEd7bsH9ga.Ie

He swallowed a dozen tomato cans.
An old tin roof a few dishpans.
Some pie plates that once had been used
TO bake
Such pies as grandma used to make
But there was wrought a change so
strange and queer,
The little pig began to fear
That he had made weird and sad mis-
take.
And all his legs commenced to quake.
One-half of him was changed into a
goat:
The other half remained q shoat;
On his right side grew two long. thin
scratch goats legs.
Making the others look like pegs.
And on his head a single horn die
sprout.
While underneath his lovely snout
His whiskers grew with only half e.
bunch.
Oh, why did he ever eat tin lunch?
Never more does he walk on the level.
Since his legs form such bevel
And when he now essays to eat his I'LL
He stands upon a steep side hill.
MORAL.
Just try to be content, whate'er your
lot;
Don't try to be what you are not,
For if you should-now. children, all
Stake heed
You'll never more than half succeed.
The Washington times., 1903-05-24

Do you know the fate Of the little shoat
That longed to be a billy goat?
TITS strange. sad tale 1 once overheard
A cow tell to a hummingbird.
Now, pig, as a rule. has got no mind,
But this was a different kind;
For he made up his mind If tin he ate
He'd change to the billy goat state
At any rate, he thought he would try it,
To see what there was in diet,
So ne gave up all he had liked before
Ate lots of tin and cried for more
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1903-12-08
r. c.. LYDECKER,
Territorial Meteorological.


A family drink-Rriner Beer.
a notice to- creditors of the estate OF
Annie Wong appears in this issue.
The Gun club will meet at the Young
Hotel roof garden Thursday evening.
'Santa Claus Emporium open even
ings until Christmas. Wall Nichols
The ). S. Siberia will leave Honolulu
ON December 2lst instead of the 22d as
scheduled.
Hoyts masterpiece, "A Contented
Woman" win be given by the Neills
on Thursday evening.
The Hawaiian Woman's Club will
meet at the Kamehameha Girls School
on Tuesday, December Sth, at $3.50
p m.
Before purchasing your holiday goods
visit 5. Ozak on Hotel Street and eX-
anime their line of novelties and silk
goods.
The ceremonial session of Aloha Tenn
pie Mystic Shrine, at which there will
be invitation of novices, will be held
December 10.
A beautiful Rag doll donated by Mrs
Alexander Isenberg will be ratified by
the Misses Alice Campbell and Irene
Dickson. Hawaiian Hotel, December
Ia.
There was no meeting of the Board
u pupeINlSOIS yeSleIudS dlIeIllOOli do
was planned, as the committee appoint
ed at the last caucus was not ready to
report.
The Hoola Lahui Society will hold its
monthly meeting at Kapiolani Mater
nifty Home on Wednesday morning at
10 a. M All members are requested to
attend.
The opportunity is offered by the
Hebron Drug Co whereby you can OBJ
tain a pretty Christmas dali free. They
hold their doll day sale next Friday
and on this day will give away another
one thousand dolls.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1903-12-08
MORE BUOYS FOR
PEARL HARBOR
CAPTAIN BODMAN SHOWS SUPER
INTENDENT HOLLOWAY WHERE
MARKS SHOULD BE PLACED.

Captain Rodman of the L. S. S. Iro-
quoIs accompanied superintendent of
Public Works Holloway and Assistant
superintendent Campbell to Pearl Har-
Dor yesterday and indicated to those
gentlemen the PAGES where ranges ana
various aids to navigation should be
placed
Captain Rodman has navigated eX-
tensively in the channel with the Iro-
quois and is familiar with every turn
and crook in the turtuous channel At
the present time there is a fairway
buoy and two entrance buoys at the
mouth of the entrance to the channel
across the bar. Captain Rouman IN
dicated eleven additional places where
he thought marks should De placed. 1t
requires careful plotting to pass that
channel and every possible ala to re-
duce the danger of vessels getting
aground will have to be supplied.
Captain Rodman suggested that ma
uka of the entrance puoys Two more
buoys be placed. Then following at in
terVals, he suggested places where pies
or buoyS be put into place. The marks
Will be so placed as to give an excellent
idea of the course to follow, In many
places the channel is SO narrow that
vessel could easily get aground il one
side was not Rugged closely There will
probably be distinguishing caps of
some Kind placed on the various piles.
Discs, squares, barrels or cages may
be placed on the piles, in order to fur
ther distinguish them.
In addition to these sites for piles
and buoys Captain Rodman suggested
the sites for placing range monuments
on the reef so as to give vessels a
range to point. into the channel from
out at sea. These monuments will be
placed mauka of the first turn through
the bar.
The Territory has $3.50 available for
the placing of the various aids TO navi- |
gate. After the marks shall be erected
Captain Rodman will make a special
trip to Pearl Harbor and take the an
giles of them and then write the addi-
tional information for the sailing di-
rections of these islands. This infor-
nation will be sent to the Navy Hydro
graphic office which will, in turn prob
ably send out the INFORMATION in special
notice to mariners.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1903-12-08
MOANA WILL
Be DELAYED
REPAIRS WILL NECESSITATE HER
SAILING LATE FROM VANCOU-
YER FOR THE COLONIES.

Owing to the accident to the S. S.
Moana last month when she got on the
rocks just before making Victoria there
will be a change in the schedule of the
Canadian-Australia steamer schedule.
T. H. Davies & Company, local agents
of the company, received a cable today
announcing that the sailing of the Mo-
ana from Vancouver and Victoria would
have to be postponed in order that the
vessel be repaired. She is due here De-
cember 10 on the down trip to the Col
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1903-12-08
TOWN MEETING COMMITTEE.

George w. Smith, Chairman of last
nights Town Meeting in accordance
with the instruction of the meeting, has
appointed a committee to report to the
adjourned meeting on Thursday night
resolutions setting out the sentiments
of the meeting regarding the status of
tn eCounty Act. The committee as APP
pointed by Chairman Smith is as fol-
lows: Lorrin a. Andrews, J. a. Mat
thewman, george b. Mcclellan, John
A. Hughes, and w. c. Achi.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1903-12-08

on.cs. but owing to the delay. In repair
INK her. she viii not arrive until Janu-
AIRY ~.
ON the other hand the s. s. Miowera
which was laid of one trip from the
Colonies win arrive In Honolulu eight
days earlier than schedule. She Us
scheduled To arrive January l6. but she
viii reach Honolulu January S and sail
for Victoria and Vancouver the same
day. She had to lay off one trip to
have repairs made to her boilers.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1903-12-08

The case of the United states against
Tereyama and Kunihara, both charged
with importing women for immoral
purposes, was begun before United
States Judge Dole this morning. Breck-
ons prosecuting and F. e. Thompson
defending. The trial jury panel was
exhausted and Marshal Hendry sum-
moned ten more jurors to court at one
thirty this afternoon.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1903-12-08
APPOINTED VICE CONSUL.
MORE JURORS WANTED.

w. Pfotenhauer has been appointed
vice consul to Hawaii for Sweden.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1903-12-08

EACH OF THESE RAJ
ORS ARE TESTED AND
THOSE NOT PERFECT
ARE REJECTED.
BESIDES WE GUARAN-
TEE EVERY ONE WE
SELL.
SHOULD 1T PROVE DE-
EECTIVE OR NOT HOLD
ITS EDGES RETURN TO
US AND IT WILL BE RE-
PLACED.
The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1903-12-08
Cut /: Glass +: Bowl
Sin. for $500
Former Price $3.50
8 i'm. for $500

Through Eastern buyers who the spot at the
moment made advantageous purchase of CUT GLASS
This profitable deal wish share with and have
therefore decided Glass (whie they LAST
for 81 This rich Cut Glass article which ornamental we'll
useful is of standard make and will prove choice Christmas gift
holiday array ready invite your inspection
Nothing has been omitted unattended and lines uncompara
bly, superior to what they before
We will take ourselves the responsibility storing and keep
presents until delivery desired Purchases made will
better attention Later Gin the the rush will be great
Dmond Co. is known for its exacd and horougness handling
Wedding and Christmas gifts.