Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-07-28

Wife (calmly)-My dear, you forget
that 1 married you.-Chicago Daily
News.
Making progress: Williams, have
you named the baby yet?" Almost.
We've got the two grandmothers to
agree to arbitrate the case-"-Chicago
Tribune.
Patience-Did you say she came
from fighting stock? Parice-Yes; her
mother and father were both members
Of church choirs in their early days
Yonkers Statesman.
Mrs. Gramercy-Do you think it was
an intentional slight on the part OF
Mrs. Newrich? Mrs. Park-Why, no,
my dear She hasn't been lady long
enough to know how to be rude
Puck.
In Boston: The Policeman-Say, son,
are you lost? Child-No, sir. I know
my whereabouts perfectly, but l pre-
sumo my father and mother would like
to be directed to where l am.-kansas
City Independent
The Owner-See here! You want to
handle that trunk more carefully! The
Porter-Ill look out for it, sir. I know
a man who let one fall on his toes last
month, an he amt out of the hospital
yet."-Town and Country.
To Its detriment: zone thing can be
said about our opera-houses," remark
ed the Observer Of Events and Things;
''too much attention seems to have
been given to the acoustic properties Of
the boxes."-Yonkers Statesman.
Salesman Recommending blue neck
tie with large pink spots) - But
wouldn't you like one like thatf I'm
selling a lot Of them this year. Sar-
castle Custemer-Indeed! Very clever
Of you, Pm sure-Harvard Lampoon.
Ali day: Her novel is not one Of
the ephemeral successes" 'Indeed?"
"Oh, yes. 1t was published before 9
o'clock in the morning, and was not
completely forgotten until quite bit
after o'clock In the evening. Life.
How is your youngest daughter get
ting on with her music" splendid
ly," answered Mr.. Cumrex; 'her in
structor says that she plays Mozart in
way that Mozart himself would
never have dreamed of."-Washingten
Star.
How is your daughter getting on
with her music?" "Splendidly," an
swered Mrs. Cumrox; ''she can 80 to
classical concert and tell exactly
where to applaud without watching
the rest of the audience. Washing
ton Star.
The Count (old enough to be a grand
father and after Miss Moneyton)-I
haf asked your mamma and she gif
her consent I-er- Miss
Moneyton-I am SO glad! But won't it
be funny to call you papa ?-Lippin-
cett's Magazine.
A London clockmaker has placed the
following notice in his window: The
misguided creature who removed the
thermometer from this door had better
return it, as it will be Of no use where
he is going, as 1t only registers 125 de-
grees.
Safety in numbers: Brannigan-
Come home, an teck supper wild me,
Flanagan. Flannigan-Shure, it's past
yer supper time, now; yer wife'n be
mad as a halter. Brannigan-That's
list 1t; she can't lick the two of u.s.
Philadelphia Public Ledger.
81 recall a remark that General
Grant made to me once at dinner"
said boastful Woody Graft, which
was most characteristic Of the man."
II think l can guess what it was"
said Pepprey. What" Keep the
change for yourself, my man."-Phila-
delphia Press.
"Hew wasteful of that gardener!'
murmured the star bearder as he bit
savagely but hopelessly at his aspara-
gus. 'How is that?" asked the land
lady. "Why, if he had let these stalks
grow one week longer he could have
sold them for telegraph poles. BAL
timore American.
Parson Johnson-Ah wish de mud
ders OBJ dis congregation would bring
deyr babies to church wifi dem. Nevah
mind how young dey am, jess bring
'em erlong. If dey am too young to
appreciate de significance OBJ de SER
vice, dey can, at least, yell an keep
de deacons awake!-Puck.
The American Father: Ascum-An-
other baby, and girl this time, eh
How does 1t make you feel to have a
daughter? Popley-Great! One of the
first things you think about it is how a
foreign nobleman will come courting
her some day, and how you'll turn him
/ down good and proper.-Phildelph
Press.
A heavier loss: Hark! In the dark
watches of the night they could plain,
ly hear footsteps in the kitchen. Bur
glarsr' he exclaimed, hastily covering
up his head "Oh, Henryp sighed his
wife; 81 wish had your faculty for
looking at the bright side of things.
I'm sure it's that Brown woman try.
ing to entice my cook away."-Kansas
City Independent.
Ingenuity's reward: "You say Bur
toa is leading double life? I'm as.
tenished. He's the last man in the
| world I'd suspect of anything Of that