The Newberry herald and news. (Newberry, S.C.) 1884-1903, 1903-04-10
COMMENTS ON LOVELY WOMAN.
Mr.. Nathan BeeSwax Grows Sarcastic at
their ExpenSe-Me He Says,
Must Always Be First.
News and Courier.

llte," said Mr. Nathan Beeswax yes
terday as he slipped cigar into his
face and sank YEARLY into chair.
thought mosquitoes from the time
l retited until the hucksters, with
their 'cr-a-a.bs, ora. a. bs, cr-a-a bs,'
appeared under my window and
wrenched great hunks of profanity
out of me. To day I am boiling over
with sarcasm. My tongue is tipped
with vitriol Iyearn to sting some
! thing with my vocabulary. My mind
is spongy with atrobilious reflections.
l sneer at the popilionaceous parade
of the smart set. Having nothing
else to do I'll just roast woman over
the white flame of incinerating jest.
Woman ia one of the mistakes of
creation. Before she appeared man
lived in the Garden of Eden. Life
was Tilt. Nothing to do but loll.
Everything WIS free. Oh b, the
firaft that Adam had! Then woman
appeared. The scene changes. And
mankind has been up against it ever
since. Think of it, you lobsterinas
in pantaloons, if Eve had been train
ing little Cain in the way he should
go instead of tempting Adam, Abel
might never have been murdered, the
forbidden fruit would not have been
tampered with, and you and I would
o.day be hanging our hats in the
Garden of Eden. Yes, sir, woman
has destroyed mans graft. And
she'll do it every time, too, if-you
don't
"And yet," continued Mr. Bees
wax, bitterly, "a Woman's Suffrage
Convention is held in New Orleans
and the presiding officer is Mrs Cath.
crime Chapman Gait. What fur ?
the illiterate man would ask. might
reply cat fur if were given to al y
persifiage. But this is supposed to
be serious question, although very
few rational men take it seriously.
Woman wants to vote. Perish the
idea. Suppose man should sdestep
and allow woman to run the affairs
of government. Imagine the United
States populated by women! Fancy,
if you will, the Senatress from North
Carolina asking the Senatress from
South Carolina if her hat was on
straight! See the Senatress from Ala
bama as she requests the Senatress
from Texas to loan her a hair pin,
while the Senatress from Virginia
Introduces bill to regulate the style
in shirt waists. The Senatress from
Kansas discusses at considerable
length the decline and fall of the
hustle, after which the Senate goes
into executive session to consider the
influence of Lydia Pinkham on the
complexion. Doesn't it make your
ears turn pale to contemplate the
possibility of such contingency
"And suppose they we're merely
conceded the right to vote," went on
MIR Beeswsx. "And suppose I were
a candidate for Office, with gay
Lothario with brown wavy hair as my
opponent. What chance would |
have, so far rs the female vote was
concerned? L may be incorruptible,
impeccable, with head packed with
brains. But wouldn't have as much
show as zephyr in acyclone if some
sport with turned.up trousereens and
winning ways should enter the list g
against me- Women wouldn't care
whether candidate WAS Republic
can, Democrat or lobster, If he
was only cute. You know that. |
might argne the folly Of free silver
and the fallacy of high tariff for three
hours and there would bo nothing
doing. Bit when my opponent
Mr. Altar Of Roses, came mincing tc
the front to tell what he didn't know
about pending problems they would
remark: Hasn't he got the lowell
est long eyelashes for man. And
he'd beat me at the polls by seven.
teen blocks just because he had long
eyelashes. But, come what may
man was created first and he expects
to retain that rank. And that's nc
sporLive sally"
SO saying Mr. Beeswax dislodge(
the cigar from his face and ordered
something to irrigato the arid apot
| in