davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04
XIII or Cure.

In a Cornish fishing village q
miscrly old fellows wife fell i'll, and
he called in q doctor.
II am wiling" he said, "to pay
you literally for your services. Do
what you can for my poor wife.
Here is f5 ready for you, kill or
cure"
The woman died, and the doctor
asked for his money.
Doctor" said the bcrcavcd one,
"did you kill my wife?"
"Great Scott! No. 1 did all 1
could to save her"
Odd You cure hcr?" demanded
the husband.
"No; she died in spite Of all my
skill"
"Thcn," said the miser, "I don't
see what you are bothering me
about. Our contract was f5, kill or
cure, and on your own admission
you have done neither. London
Standard.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04
To Stand an Ear on End.

We believe that others cracked
eggs before Columbus, US they have
since, and stood them on end, too,
but as there is another way of bal
ancing an egg without resorting to
such unfair means we submit this
explanation as probably the true
one of Columbus feat. If q freshly
laid hens egg be violently shaken
SO as to thoroughly mix the yolk
and white and also to fracture the
air sack and allow the contained
air to rise, it is simply a question
OF manual d~cxtcrity, within the
reach of all, to balance an egg with
out cracking it on n perfectly
smooth surface.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04
HIS ME.a0HY WAS GOOD.
He Knew When and How Columbus
Came Ashore at Naeaau.


Down in Nassau, New Providence,
that quaint town which favored
Americans visit in the winter
months, there stands a statue of Co.
lumbus. 1t isn't much Of u statue,
being after the swashbucklcr order
OF architecture, but anyway it serves
to remind visitors TO the Bahamas
that its original first landed on an
island in that chain. Being tho only
statue of account in the island, it is
known Of all men and is Of special
Importance in the eyes of the no
groes, who point to it with pride
and date occurrences relatively re-
cent from the time of its erection.
The knowledge of historical events
displayed by the oman and brother"
is pretty accurately indicated in the
tale they tell in Nassau respecting
the occasion, a few years ago, that
Columbus appeared in court. The
lawyer for the defense, attempting
to impeach the vcracity Of plaintiffs
witness, IN old colorcd man of
doubtful antcccdcnts, asked:
$50 you say you've lived here
many years."
"Yis, boss, / has"
"I'hcn 1 SUP pose you remember
clearly when Columbus landed
hcrc::"
ooh, Wis, boss, I does member
dat 'stinckly."
ooh, you do?'
CTS, sab; s%uttcnly, boss"
"That will do, your honor. This
witness memory is evidently dcfec-
tive, and 1 claim q verdict for my
client"
The judge seemed inclined that
way, too, when the plaintiffs law
yer interposed: "Wait q moment,
gentlemen. Perhaps my witness is
not SO far wrong after all. Now,
Cutie, tell us when was it you saw
Columbus land and how did he come
ashore ?"
"Well, boss, I t'ink twas bout
twenty year ago, an C'lumbus he
come asho' in de big boxesr-New
York Times.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04
Knew The Man.


An assistant at the New York
Law library went to the librarian
one time in O state of great agita-
ton.
"Tllere's q stout old man sitting
in an alcove almost out of sight,
and he acts as if he owned the whole
library, and he wants me to bring
him about half the books there are
in the building, and 1 think he's
crazy"
The librarian thought a moment
and then asked:
"Big, fat man?"
"Ycs."
"Bald?"
Ycs."
Goat punched up in the back an
trousers bagged at the knccs?"
"Yc-c-cs."
"Drawls?"
"Yup."
"Wcll, you just get. a hustle on
you, young man, and bring him ev-
cry book he wants if he asks for the
whole library. That mans Tom
Reed"
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04
Information

"There is something in this pa
per-" said Mrs. Chugwater, "about
q real estate pool and o railway
pool What does that mean? What
are thcy?"
"Thcy are merely organizations
OF business men," replied Mr.. Chug-
water.
"Then why do they call them
pools?"
"That's on account Of the water
in their stocks, I suppose. Women
can't understand these things. Don't
bother me."-Chicago Tribune.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04
Willing to Divide.

a Hartford layer tells of a client
in u Of the adjourniug towns who
had q farm to sell. He had recently
sunk q well on it, and the job cost q
sum, consequently when he talked Of
disposing of his property the well
caused him considerable anxiety.
"How much do you ask for the farm?"
the lawyer asked.
WAL, III tell YER" drawled the
farmer. "I'll sell the place for $500
with the well, and I'll let it go for
5000 without the WE'LL"
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04

= Most men take slight applause
for an encore.
- The darker the room the more
furniture a man 8 shin can discover in
it.
= When a man gets out to buy graf
itude by lending money he acquires
an assessable interest in a worthless
liability.
= The meanest trick the weather
can play woman is 10 get W o
sudden wind storm when sho isn't
dressed for it.
"A oma can spend more time
getting the embroidery around the cor
ner of o doyley than q man cap on pro-
noting q railway.
- "A fool sometimes profits by his
W experience, but the wise guy al
ways profits by the dearly bought ex-
pcrience Of others.
- 1t is the nan who leaves his wife
every morning in a wrapper and curl
papers that cant believe his eyes when
ho meets her in the street.
- Many a man works over time in
trying to convince himself that he is
honest.
= Give advice to others if you will,
but take an occasional dose Of it your
self.
- The editor ofa wweekly newsva-
per in Australia offers himself as a
prize to the woman who writes the
best essay on the duties Of a wife.
= 1t is not the loudest church bell
that brings the most money to the
collection box.
= In the last 16 months the rail
ways OF Great Britain, although the
most crowded in the world, have not
caused q single death. In that time
more than 1900 persons have been
killed by the railways of the United
States as shown by the. accident bull
letins of the interstate commerce COM
mission.
= Recently a negro killed a white
man in Indiana, Pa, and escaped.
The nee-oes were ordered to leave and
failing to comply with the request the
white residents yesterday attacked the
negroes shacks and pulled them down.
The negroes then departed.
Many a man financial embarrass.
ment may be attributed to the fact
that he spent a lot Of money in trying
to get something for nothing.
"A caterpillar cannot see more
than q centimeter ahead; that is to
say, less than two-ffths of al inch.
The hair IN the body is said to be OF
as much use as its eyes in letting it
know what is goiug.on and around.
= You have doubtless observed
that the average man puts in 80 much
time preaching he has but little time
for practice.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04

The Government coined during
the last fiscal year "a, 6l1, 143 pennies
aud 26. $780, l3 nickel e.oents pieces.
Of the pennies Pennsylvania got A.
600, 600, New York, 10 1000, 900, Massa-
chusetts. 5000, 0OC. So many pennies
are lost that it is necessary to make
from GO, 600, 900 to 80, goo, 900 Of them
every year.
The greatest trouble with tho av-
erage reformer is that he begins work
too far away from home.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04
aMINi)hEa:, 81 .llslL.
Often Exposed by Newspapers. :Lcy
Catch old Constant ii,nder' again
and Again.

Notwithstanding the fact that we
are generally credited With being a
newspaper reading nation, 1 am often
tempted to believe that there must be
many millions Of intelligent persons
in the United States who never so
much as glance at the headlines of a
newspaper, remarked an officer Of
the postoficc department. "At any
rate, if these millions to whom | refer
ever actually do read the newspapers,
their gullibility must be SO profound
as TO be u%nfathomable. The postofiicc
department is constantly issuing fraud
orders against individuals and alleged
firms engaged in getting rich in the
operation Of schemes that it would
seem any s':rewd child of 10 ought to
be able to see through without the
least bother.
"Thc other day, for example, the
department got after a chap out in
Cincinnati who for some months mad
been conducting what he called a turf
bureau. lie alleged in his really ad-
mirably written circulars that he had
private and absolutely certain meth
DDS of obtaining information as to the
horses that were slated to win races
on tracks all over the United States,
and he guaranteed returns in trcmen-
dous proportions. Well, when VIC
looked this fellow up, he promptly
skipped, and his incoming mail was
seized. 1t seems incredible, but every
days mail brought in thousands Of
dollars, in amoun ranging from So
actually up to $500, and tho letters in
closing cash and checks were nearly
all OF them apparently written by per
sons Of education. The book in which
the man kept his simple account Of
cash received showed that since he
put his scheme into operation he had
taken in no less a sum than $4G5, 900,
almost out Of the question as it may
appear. He has got away, but, even
II ne is captured, 1 very much doubt
If any very heavy punishment can be
visited upon him. These slippery
chaps who work their lodges by means
OF the mails have the money to cuploy
first rate lawyers, and those lawyers
can generally successfully construc
their clients circulars as not having
really promised anything TO the yulls
after all.
"The endless chains schemes that
the department runs down year after
year arc all of them money makers
for their operators. 1t would actually
seem as if all a busted individual had
to do to get rich is to get a lot of circu-
lars printed and send them out, Dor.
rowin the money for postage, and
there will always be enough gulls to
start him on his way. The cherry
tree scheme worked by a gang Of
Southern men, one Of them Il clergy
man, was a colossal success for it's
promoters, and yet not q man in the.
crowd had a coin to bless himself
with when they started the endless
chain scheme in motion. The more
recent fountain pen fraud, worked by
q couple of Pennsylvanians, yielded
returns that went into tho thousands
every day, and l haven't a doubt in
life that any number Of similar end
less chain schemes are being worked
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04
Expressed.

She was a large woman and not
what you would call handsome, but
then she was an heiress. Still the
designing youth might have been
more diplomatic.
"AIiss Tubbs," he said when he
thought it was about time to bring
matters to q head-"Sarah, for
months past my thoughts and as
pirations have been conferred on one
great object
She smiled cncouragingly.
"Miss Tubbs-Sarah, need I say
it? You are that great object!"
"Sir!"
And a few moments later the
would be sutton crcpt dejectedly
from the house.
- \ W0mnu l. ~ vOunr ma M L. Ar
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04


In spite of all eforta to prevent ie,
the filthy secretions and mucous mat
ter find their way into the Stomach
and are distributed by the blood to
every nook and corner OF the system;
the Stomach and Kidneys, in FACT
every organ and part Of the body, be-
come infected with the catarrhal
poison. This disease is rarely, il ever,
evenin tsear1iest stages, a purely1ocal
disease or simple Inflammation of the
nose and throat, and this IS wSysprays.
washes. powders and tie various in
haling mixtures fail to cure. Heredity
is sometimes back of it-parents have
it and SO do their children.
In the treatment of Catarrh, anti
septic and soothing washes are good
head and throat, but this is the extent
permanently. the blood fnrst ne Drrif
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04

= a widow has nothing but words
of praise for ncr late husband but it's
different with "a sleepy wife.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04

When the butter won't
come put a penny in the
churn," is an old time dairy
proverb. 1t often seems to
work though no one has ever
told why.
When mothers are worried
because the children do not
gain strength and flesh we
say give them SCOTS Emul-
sion.
1t is like the penny in the
rl!lii because it works and
because there is something
astonishing about it.
SCOTS Emulsion is simply
a milk of pure cod liver oil
with some hypophosphitcs
especially prepared tor delicate
StOmaChS.
Children take to it naturally
because they like the taste
and the remedy takes just as
naturally to the children be-
cause it is so perfectly adapted
to their wants.
For all weak and pale and
thin children SCOTS Emulsion
is the most satisfactory treat
ment.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04
LOOK u FORM IA /
an At IN A

When the cold wave flag is up. freezing weather IL on the way. wintr
Is here in earnest, and with it all the miserable symptoms Of Catarh
retuTaL-blinding headaches and neuralgia, thick mucous discharge
from the nose "a! throat, q hacking cough and pain in the chest, BAD
taste asst in the mouth; tead breath. nausea and all that makes catazrh the
most sickening and disgusting OF all oDn plaints. It causes a feeling = y
eonal dehlement and modification that keeps one nervous and anxicasu X
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04

= 4 l. "a Young as 9th er
women think she l",ks
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04

Manchester, We, March @. Ion,
Gentlemen:-x had ellthe oy,mrt.H
chat accompany this disease. ana =
mucus dropping In the throat. ~
slant desire to hawk aAd spit. feo,;s-
Of dzynae0 IN the threat. ooueh ~
splitting upon rising in the morntsas
soabs forming In the nose. yvhioS.
CURED much EFFORT to blow out, aons.
times oausins the nose TO bleed srs
leaving me vita q siek headachs. :
had thus suffered for i've year,.
I commenced TO take g. g. q. A..
after I had taken three Large bot,1.s
I noticed @ change for the bst..s
Thus encouraged, I oontinpsdtot sI.
1t and In O short while was ent,~.,s
CURED. JUDEOM e. BELLAM
@a1n and Vino 8ts., Richmond. ..
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1903-03-04

months long. The beauty of the stu
alton in her case was hal absolutely
nothing could be done in the way of
punishment to her. She chung to it
when nailed that she really was nm alb
sent healer all right-although there
was a merry twinkle in her eye as she
said it-and the government hadn't
any way of proving that she wasn't
what she claimed to be, ever had the
government been disposed to estab-
lish any such contention.
Not in recent years have any Of
these mail swindlers been so bold as
that humorist who, advertising that he
would send q certain way Of getting
rich on receipt of a dollar, sent out
little slips containing the words,
Work like the devil and never spend
q cent, but maEipulators of the mails
almost as brazen are constantly re-
curing suppression. When one stops
to reflect upon how many years this
sort of mail swindling has been going
on, and then considers how many tens
of millions of newspapers containing
accounts of such s~windlers are con
stantly being thrown off of American
presses, one is tempted to take stock
in that old aphorism Of Hungry Joe's
tina. there's a sucker born every min
ute and they never die. '"-Washing-
on Evening Star.
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1903-08-11
JUD6E GRAY AS ARBITRATOR.
sits ms Umpire I'm the Alabama Coal Miners
Gases.

BIRsaINGHAM, Ala, Aug 10.-The board
of ARBITRATION to decide differences between
the Alabama coal operators and miners
began its work to-day. Judge Gray Of
Delaware is chairman, r. II. Pearson and
Charles McCrery, for the operators, and W.
H. Farley and T,LLewis, for the miners, are
the other members. Charles Neil of Wash
ington, professor Of political economy at the
Catholic University, il recorder
The board holds its sessions in the Council
Chamber in the city hall. The operat ors
have an array Of strong attorneys conduct
ing their case. Benjamin F Tracy of
New York, a director in the Tennessee
Coal and Iron and Railroad Company. is
one of the foremost attorneys, with Walker
Percy. Ed Flynn, district president of
the miners organization, is conducting
the case for the miners.
The miners presented their formal de-
mands this morning. They seek an adj
vance of five cents on the ton and CORE
spending increase on day wage, semi
monthly payments and eight hours to con-
stitute a days work The operators made
reply saying the sCale of last year was too
high.
The miners placed witnesses on the
stand showing that monthly paydays on
couraged the company stores or COM
missaries which are run by each company.
The miners will have the first three days
of the session. then the operators will have
five days, then the miners two days again.
Judge Gray was much Interested to-day
in the statements about company stores
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1903-08-11
PROTEST ANTS OB.yECT.
Against, Illumination Of Buffalo city Hall
In Honor Of B'sllOp-E Elect Cotton,

p,,vr, A., IN ,....-
D'FrAho' ~ H. aug w. a mass meeting
of ministers, representing the Presbyterian
Methodist EnisconaI Iutbaron E,..nnol;o,i
,ri'ee"P"', i'''''.' an L" aheehca
Lutheran, Episcopal and Baptist churches,
was held i'm Y NJ C. A Hall hero to-dav
10 rro,as, ,.,;na, ~. u,,r,;,,.,i., ~ .p
10 protest against (ne Illuminating OF the
city hall in honor of Bishop-elect Cotton
IN IN, o,,,ni,, % hi, ;,e,,io,;o,, L,,.., 49,,
vi NV evening OF MS ilS'aiia'loh mere as
Bishop of the Roman Catholic diocese of
Buffalo The Common Council and Su,er.
- ', ~ou'0', on" '"p ~,
V'sors aoop'ed resolutions TO DO TINS The
ministers adopted a memorial of protest
as follows and declared tbav wou5d have
the ilium;n.t;or stonnoJ. law
TT ~ ~ w.,
OF christian peopl" to take any action that
may seem unklnd TO any OF our fellow cut
Hens. or That may render us liable to the
charge of biSotry. Nut as citizens of this
irrt, republic we feel q patriotic interest
N the preservation OF those principles that
nave MADE lis great and free, Prominent
among those principles Is the equal right
OF every American to protection and the
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1903-08-11
CAPT. DILLON TESTIFIES.
Tells OF Excise Arrests He Made-An0thcr
Captain 10 he Tried"

Police Captain james T.. Dillon of the
West Forty-seventh street station, who is
being tried before Third Deputy Com
missioner Davis for neglect of duty in
failing to enforce the excise law, testified
in his own defence, yesterday afternoon,
and told of his movements on the four
Sundays when. it is charged. he did not
do his duty. According to his testimony
he was on duty all day on each day named
and he told OF making arrests in eighteen
of the twenty-five places named in the
specifications.
Ex-Judge Warren, Capt. Dillon's lawyer.
tried to show that, since taking command
of the precinct, the captain had made
more arrests for excise violation than had
been made in the boroughs Of Brooklyn
and Queens. he also declared that, on the
four Sundays included in the specifications
nearly 80 per cent of the excise arrests made
in the Fourth Inspection district had been
made in Capt. Dilon's precinct Assistant
District Attorney Lord objected To this
testimony and Commissioner Davis sus-
tanned him.
Il don't see what bearing this has on the
case, said Mr.. Lord
well, want to show that the ginmills
in those other precincts were running wide
open," replied ex-Judge Warren. why
don't you get after those captains?"
Perhaps he is going to-" suggested
Commissioner Davis.
"Yes, and if You know about those GIN
mills I'd like to call YOU as witness in
future case, said the Assistant District
Attorney to the counsel for the defence,
1t has been rumored for some time that
the commander of an important precinct
in Inspector Walsh's district was to be
brought up on charges and the remark
of the Assistant District Attorney was
taken as significant.
Capt Dillon's trial was adjourned until
Wednesday next
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1903-08-11
THREE DOMED PGAICE OFFICE.
New Headquarters. NJ Centre and Grand
streets. 10 he Fine.

The Sinking Fund Commission approved
yesterday the plans for new Police Head
quarters building on the site of the old
Centre Market at Centre and Grand streets,
II is estimated that the cost of the building
will be about $5OO.OOO
The new headquarters will be five stories
high, with a basement and cellar. IL will
be surrounded by three domes, the central
one of which will contain two additional
stories and a clock tower. The height of
the building from the sidewalk TO the TOP
of this dome will be IT'S feet. The roof
of the big central dome will be of sheet
copper and the curved surface will be
gildei. The skeleton steel frame of the
building will be enclosed with walls of
buff Indiana limestone, faced with either
pink OF white granite, All the stairs, ex-
cept the first flight leading from the main
entrance, will be of cast iron, with Yer
mont marble treads. The floor of the
main entrance and the firs-story hall
are to be laid in white Vermont marble.
The finish of the interior will be of white
quartered oak
Of so, rs and 100 yards; large assembly
room for detectives and the Offices OF
the property clerk. which will be fitted
with fireproof vaults. On the first floor
will be the detective bureau. On the floor
above the Commissioner and his deputies
will have their offices, and the chief in
spector and the chief clerk with their
assistants will be quartered there. The trial
rooms will he on the third floor, as will
also be the department of the treasurer,
surgeons and auditors. Armory, drillroom
and gymnasium will take up the greater
part of the fourth floor These rooms
will be two stories in height and will be
rooted with glass. Also on this floor are
to he numerous shower and tub baths.
The fifth floor will he used for cells for
male and female prisoners, for a photo
graphic gallery and for the telephone and
telegraph operators.
Gen. Greene had the plans made on lines
OF his own suggestion
The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1903-08-11
EXCURSIoN1srS IN TIE RIVER.
Pushed Overheard I'm Rush Ashore One
Hit by Life lDreseryer and Drowned.

As the six barges that carried the County
Roscommon NJ ms excursion, $500 strong,
up the Hudson on Sunday were being
backed into the dock at the foot Of Thirty
fifth street late that night there was wild
rush among the picnickers to get ashore.
In the scramble five persons were thrown
into the water.
Three of the men could swim and struck
out for shore. The fourth man, whose
name is unknown, was laundering about,
just keeping afioat. when an excited woman
threw life preserver TO him. 1t struck
his head and ne went down
David Logan of 448 West Thirty-third
street dived for the man who was struck
by the life preservcr As he did so the
man grabbed him by the leg and Logan
had much difficulty in getting free himself.
Logan continued to dive for an hour after
the man disappeared, but the body was not
recovered
Joseph Martin, o years old, Of ISL Seventh
avenue was rescued by John Hughes Of
4O7 West Forty-sixth street. who dived in
without stopping to pull of more than
his coat