River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1903-06-11
BATTING
A BORE

WHEN the colonel was 80 he in
wv herited fortune. Whereupon
he stopped work. He is now 20, and
during the intervening 20 years he has
done little but eat, sleep and talk. One
Of his eccentricities is the fixed conyic-
ton that he can tell a good story. No
body can understand how eccentric
and unfounded this idea is until the
colonel has unloaded one of his prize
stories on him.
He is a man ofyenerable appearance,
with long, white hair, and smooth
shaver, deeply lined face, and he thinks
nothing at all Of interrupting even a
casual acquaintance in the midst of an
important business engagement with
one Of his endless, pointless variations
about nothing in particular.
Larson is the manager Of big bust
ness, and the colonel, because he owns
ten shares Of stock in the company, has
been making Larson's private office a
sort of downtown headquarters for
the last year.
About twice a week, when Larson
would be in the midst of conference
with an important customer, the door
Of the room-on which was printed
'Private" in large gilt letters-would
be pushed open and in would step the
colonel.
Don't let me interrupt you" the
colonel would begin, ''but / know you
won't think / am intruding when tell
you that just as ] came into the eleva-
tor l met John Higgins, who settled
down along the Calumet river in 1923,
and whom | haven't seen since 1847-
the same year that my uncle, Silas
Jonas, bought 40 acres of land near
Wheaton, which he sold in 1874 to the
man who afterwards started-by the
way, | saw in the paper this morning
report that Wheatou--"
In this wise the colonel would ramble
on for half an hour, never getting
within half mile of the conclusion of
anything. Nor would he think of stop
ping until Larson got up and as po-
Iitely as possible asked him to step out
into the other office until he had
finished a private conference he had
under way
'T've got to do something" said
Larson to his assistant, after one of
the colonel sNnterruptions. 81 believe
the colonel could set his mouth going
and go away and leave it for a couple
of hours without stopping its flow of
language. The next time he comes in
here I'm going to tell him a story
which so utterly and completely lacks
point that / hope he'll see the point
and stop 'butting in
Next morning, when Larson was
on a big contract, the colonel came
gayly in to his fate. Larson gave him
no chance to get started
Colonel" he began, ''did I ever tell
about my friend GARRISON, who made
S3OOO,OOO in the stock market last
year, and his adventures in Europe?
No? Well, it's the most curious tale
that ever came to my attention.
"Clarkson had been on the ragged
edge of poverty all his life until, Who'll
" by accident, he got into K, G. & r.
when the stock was selling at IS and
held on until the premium was 81 200
on every share. When he finally closed
out the deal ClarksOn had So ,OOO, 900 in
cash. He started at once on tour of
the world. Now, Clarkson was man
without any education at all. He knew
nothing about any language but Eng
lish, and mighty little about that But
with plenty of money in his pocket he
didn't see why he shouldn't get plenty
of fun out of skating around the world.
Anyway, he started.
Things went pretty we'll with him
until he got to Vienna. One day he
was eating dinner in cafe on the Ring
there when he got into mild quarrel
with his waiter over the size of his bill
1t was always one of Clarkson's boasts
that he would never let blasted for
eigner beat him. and. though neither
the waiter nor he could understand the
other, they held hot debate, chiefly
made up of warlike gestures, Present
" the head waiter took a hand in the
dispute. He also was unable to under
stand GARRISON, and it seemed certain
that the Chicago millionaire would be
cast out into utter darkness, or at least
assisted to leave by police officer,
when help came from an unexpected
quarter.
''By stroke of good fortune it hap
pened that State Senator Bridge, of
Chicago, who speaks German like ma
tive, was also dining in the cafe. He
knew Clarkson by sight and at once
came to his rescue. A few words of
explanation and everything was ar
ranged satisfactorily. The check was
paid and the head waiter was profuse
in his apologies.
eff you'll allow me- said Senator
Bridge to the grateful Clarkson. I'll
give you a little card that'll prevent
your getting into another scrape of
this kind
Bridge pulled one of his own en-
graved cards from his pocket and
scrubbed a few words on the back of it
with an indelible lead pencil. Clark
son looked at the writing, but it was in
a tongue unknown to him.
whats this all about?' he asked
Bridge.
"'Never mind said Bridge with a
smile. just you try the card and see
what the result will be-
''CIarkson thanked him and put the
card in his pocketbook. A little later
both men left the cafe and went to
their respective hotels.
"Clarkson went to Paris from Wen