davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

There's only one that's equal to it,
and that is to be candidate on flu
sion ticket" she sighed.
What do you know of the difficult
ties of a fusion candidate?" I demand
ed. you never ran for Office, did
your
mo, but my friend The Argus did
once" she replied. He thought he'd
like to be mayor of Olympus. and see
who got all the money they spent on
the gold paving contracts, and the bet
ter element from all the parties got to-
gether and put him up. They thought
chap with a thousand eyes was just
the thing to take hold of the compile
cations Of the hour"
Rather a wise conclusion, seems to
me- I observed. "He could keep an eye
on everybody"
'Humph!" calculated the Lady.
Maybe so; but he was a hopeless AS
t1gmatist in week, and before the
campaign was over there wasn't an eye
in his whole thousand that wasn't
crossed with every other with his try
ing to see where he stood with his
own hackers"
WAS he elected?" I asked.
Never replied Diana. Nemesis
carried the city by $4,000 majority But
Argus used to come around evenings
and tell me about his troubles, and 1
made up my mind that if it ever came
to choice between being a weather
cock or fusion mayor, I'd cast in my
lot with old Boreas, and let political
ambition alone"
What do you think of the COMPARE
tive merits of New York and Olympus
as places of residence?" / asked.
New York is more like the other
place." she replied. Especially in the
summer time when the fherroOnoeter
begins to Chamber UP the tide Of the
tower and spend his hours with me.
The voice of the city which greets my
ears at that height is exactly like that
which used to greet the ears of the
Olympian gods rising from the depths
Of Erebus. Did you ever hear the voice
of a city like New York;"
Il never did, said I. What Is it
like?"
well, let me think" said Diana.
I've never been asked to describe it
before in precise terms. Did you ever
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

Miss Fannie taut while, and den
she says, How is Hortense dressed ?"
Just as she was when she dressed
you for dinner"
And Maggie?"
Same as in de house, only wit her
cap off, L says.
But 1 never could fool Miss Fannie.
She smiles a little, and den she says,
"Chames, what mischief has Hortense
been up to? Mrs Harding is here, and
when papa came back from de club he
spoke of having seen Mrs. Harding. [
know dat he did not, but Mrs Harding
did not say he did not. l see by your
face, Chames, dat you know of some
mischief dat will explain, and you
must tell-Tll not be cross wit Hor-
tense"
1 never could con Miss Fannie if I
tried, so L gives her de game dat was
played, and she didn't put up no boiler,
at dat. | was wondering what was do
ing wit de folks in de library, so when
l was belled for, to fetch de proof for
Mr.. Paul dat de cellar wasn't run dry, L
rubbers de layout. Whiskers was play
ing up to Wildly like she was a six per
cent stock selling below par, and he
was afraid dat if he didn't bid quick
dere would be none of it left in de mar
ket. Widdy's cart was dere. and, when
l called it for her L waltzes down to
de gate, and as she drives trough she
stops and says, Miss Fannie was tell
ing me dat your wife can dress Maggie
to look like odder folks
Duchess is no farmer. ma'am,' 1
says.
"She is a very bold maid" says Wild
dy, but 1 tink she deserves dis, what
L. just wins at BRIDGE and she passes
me out long green, and p'chee! it was
a FLYER.
Well I goes TO de station wit me
fren de barkeep, and l splits dat flyer
at de little drum near de station, and
we says, Here's to you!" more dan
once.
When I meets up wit Duchess. she
says, "Cheems, you has been drinking.
Where did you get de price,
ut didn't need no price" 1 says. ut
was a tin roof"
"a tin roof? What kind of q drink
is tin roof"
It's on de house" says I, and
Duchess is wondering yet
OATS de foist time in me life dat
ever sunk a tip on Duchess, and de
best ting about it is dat it was her
graft. at dat. If she ever finds out dat
| Wildly passed dat green to me, to pass
along to her-to de mort pole for me!
And Duchess earned de stake, too,
| for, from de looks of tings down our
way, Whiskers will soon tell me to
pack his trunk for a wedding joiney,
and when de parson has willed half OF
Whiskers income to Wildly, de credit
of de Job will belong as much to
Duchess as to Widdy's eyes.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

In time for them to catch the midnight
train home"
1.-The place is filled with that Sort" I
began, as / glanced over the scene.
And just cast your eyes down there
at that table where those three men
are sitting-old gray-haired men who
need nothing SO much as sleep. Don't
you think they are working hard. too?
They've been watching a ticker all day
and this is the way they rest at night,
and just because some expensive re-
sort in the Catskills or their families
are off spending money at the Jersey
coast, they think they are enjoying the
freedom of Bohemia, which consists
of laying up the material for split
ting headache tomorrow morning"
I'D rather be the ice man." said /.
His is a cooler job But see here,
my dear goddess, you don't seem to
like the way we take our pleasures.
NO" said she. Your method is too
strenuous and restless for me. Of a
Isummer's night I should much prefer
the cool of the grass to rest my weary
bones on, the light of the moon to
guide me hither and yen, and the music
of the rustling trees to enchant mine
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30
)MME RIDDEN Has SOME REMARKS 70 MAKE ON AND AFFAIRS

could see what push was dare at
Widdy's lunches and teas, and dat she
wasn't sentenced to be a wildly a day
longer dan she wanted to be. But
Whiskers .ducked.
ut is of de .agravate," says Duchess.
sit is dat if Whiskaire see Madam
Harding in company wit anodder, den
he is of de sentiment urgent. But if
he will not go where he see dat many
men admire her, what can one do?"
! Zone can guess again." I says. Let
your betterS alone, and fix it wit
Housekeeper to leave Maggie have dis
evening off, for me fren de barkeep is
coming down dis evening, and We'll
take a stroll up de pike wit him and
Maggie"
Duchess never said void in answer
to dat, and l had right to be 1eary;
for when a woman won'5t talk, even if
she has a cue, it's time for a man to
get his guard up, and timber his legs
for quick side-step. Me fren comes
down by de early evening train, and
coachy lends me de station wagon to
fetch him; de folks being at dinner
and not seeing me make de sneak wit
de wagon. When we was in de house
keepers room, having bite and
mug of de buffers ale to wash de Gin
ders out of me fren's troat, Duchess
up her job. Wildly had been giving
Duchess lot of buds, and p'chee! if
she didn't rig Maggie up in EN- till she
was dead ringer for Widdy-only
dat Maggie, in one of dose new
straight-up- and-do corsets was
asking wouldn't she break like lamp
chimney If she sat down! Me fren was
| looking like ready money, too; for his
lid and blanket would pass him at a
hundred yards for broker on de right
| side of de market.
Take me out of dis corset, Duchess,
| DEAR Maggie was saying. For de
| love of heaven, take me out before [
die. I feel like l was boarded up-like
was boxed for de expressman to take
away
"Vous etes tres charmante," says
Duchess, putting on de poor goil a wrap
Wildly used to wear. Don't hold your
! skirt like a mouse was chasing you.
| Look, hold it like dis and she shows
| Maggie how to hold her skirt like she
| was going to wrap herself up in it if
dere was enough of it.
whats doing?" L says when 1 sees
! desc tings
! ct is a play says Duchess.
who's to be played?"
| Come wit me and say noting"
| Duchess says, and de four of us chases
| out to de road by de lane. Den Duchess
and me goes over to de odder side of de
road, and me fren and Maggie waltZes
/ along by deirselves, and, say, dey was
so like Wildly and some swell Johnnie
| dat I'd yelled only Duchess pinched
me.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30
The N60NEN 0NY OF ST. PETERSBURG MAKES It CHARMING PEA6E

{. If you have fortnight's holiday and
you wish to be unconventional, go to
st. Petersburg. Only you will have to
bear the shattering of some of your
most cherished ideals. The very men
ton of the name conjures up to Your
noyel-fed mind pictures of chain-rat-
Ting conyicts on the Icy Siberian road,
of bearded, booted and sworded police
men lurking round corners to arrest
you as a spy. Therefore, you will be
disappointed and regard the English
novelist who depicts" Russian life
with O cold and unfavorable eye; for
ST. Petersburg is a city of enjoyment,
duplicate of Paris at night time, and
during the day a curious blend of the
Orient, with dash of London and Ber-
lin thrown in.
You need not scamper though Hol-
land and Germany to get there You
can be economical, thanks to Messrs.
Bailey and Leethanl, who run passen-
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30
Copyright, 1908, by Robert Howard
Russell.
By E. w. Townsend.

BY e. w. Townsend.
I'm a Frenchman by marriage, as
Duchess says, but deres one ting I'll
never cop right, and OATS French cook
ing and eating. All dat religion, poll
tics, Wall street and sporting news is
to Americans, eating is to de French.
Oats de trouble wit your dinky ma
tion," says to Duchess. IF dey goes
to war dey gets licked; if dey digs a
subway it's a grave; if dey breeds
racers dey is skates; if dey plays polo
dey only cuts up de turf; if dey fights
duels dey only makes faces all because
dey is never linking about de ting dey
is making bluff at. but is linking
about how DER grub is to be sauced.''
Mostly can get fall out of
Duchess by pulling hammer on de
French, but dis time she only gives
me de baby stare, and says: "Cheems,"
she says, "Cheems you have only of
de ignorance of what you speak. Be-
sides dat dey is de greatest people on
cart de French is de most brave, de
most noble and de only ones dat knows
how to dress. Dey did everything be-
fore anybody else done it. Did we not
go to see M'sieu Suddern in de Ameri-
can play of Hamlet last year, and did
we not see de same play by Madame
Bernhardt-L' Ailong'-de year before :?
ON your way, Woman!" I says.
Hamlet was wrote for Eddie Sud
dern by an Englishman, not by Clyde
Fitch"
DE more shame to de Englisman.
who stole it from Msieu Rostand,"
Duchess says. de English never
knowed how to fight until Napoeon
teached 'em; dey will never know how
to paint Or sculptor. no matter who
tries to learn 'em. 1t is only de tings
dat France has forgot dat any odder
country does well.''
''Dey has a good brand of hot air on
tap, anyway l guess. But tell me,
why does dey put garlic in leg of
mutton?"
Because de sheep hasn't de sense to
put de garlic in his own Leg" she says.
But you has de bad temper dis morn
Ing. Cheems. Come wit me to de city,
and we will dine at de restaurant of
de husband of my fren, Julie. It will
be my treat, for Julie is de dame du
compton, and she charges me noting
for dinner. so leicieuX it is for her to
have de langwudge spoke to her DO
lite"
And OATS nc dream, neider. Julie
used to be lady's maid, and she's so
tickled to have Duchess come to de
restaurant, and give her de news of
de swell set dat dey never asks us for
de price-and OATS why de dinner at
jules is Duchess most favorite treat,
We eats at Jacques-dat's jules
hubby-between meal times, so dat dey
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30


scum, with moFe pictures; the palace
at Peterhof, a. few miles distant; the
wonderful avenue of fountains, also at
Peterhof, and scores of other interest,"
ing sights. a1
A walk down the Nevski Prospect is
fascinating. Every shop has side signs,
on which are painted the articles that
are sold Within I'll
A sausage shop will have inviting
designs of theeyarious kinds of sau-
sages; a heterogeneous collection OF
hat pictures of all sorts and conditions
tells that Dimitri Vedenski is in po-
sition to sell sleadgear. These signs
are really there for the uneducated
people-the peasapts-who would not
be able to read al written notice.
The droschky. is comical vehicle;
even more the iSvostchik who drives 1T.
He wears a low-crowned top hat, and
his hair is cut in a manner that re-
sembles wig. He is dressed in long
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

blue gown, ridiculously padded, prob
ably to keep him warm and give him
an air of importance.
tal-colored band he looks fierce. But he
is not. He is open to drive you a
short distance for fourpence, and. if the
distance be very short. to consider him
self so well paid as to doff his hat and
call a blessing on your head. There
are 27,000 droschkys in St Petersburg.
and the drivers do not say 'Whoa"
wheE they want the horse to stop. They
say "B-r-r-r."
At every street corner are saints
framed in gilt metal, with a perpetual
light burning before them. You never
see peasant or poor man pass by
one of these without snatching off his
cap and crossing himself three times.
The isvostchik does it while he is driy-
ing, and not only before the street
ikons, but at the sight of the churches
and cathedrals.
In the railway stations also, there Is
the ikon, before which travellers bow
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

song about for have a fit. was
saying dat to Mr.. Paul de odder day,
when we was trying to see would his
sloop sail as well on her rail as her
keel.
Yes, Shames," ne says, ode Ameris
can people couldn't do wrong act if.
dey tried. Dey is a generous, just,
patriotic and grateful people, and dey
will not be represented in high office
by man who forgets to show gen
erosity and gratitude anti justice, in
stead of meanness, ingratitude and I'M
fairness in all his acts Aide club de
odder day was talking dis over wit
Gen. Miles, and he says"
just den a squall hits us, and me
and Mr.. Paul has to swim ashore, so I
never hear what de General said. 1t
don't cut no ice, anyway, for Mr.. Paul,
when he starts out wit a lot of dude
langwudge like dose woids, is mostly
training for a match wit Whiskers.
AS l was saying, dat wasn't what [
was going to tell you about. Remem
Der de job dat Duchess puts UP to
make Whiskers get togedder wit Wiley
Wildly? Well, when WhiSkerS seen dat
dere was no more trespassing on de
grass he got foul of his shy streak
again, and him and wildly was so far
apart dat he couldn't see her. Dat
makes Duchess SO mad she could
scream, for she is bound to get Whisk-
ers located in his own fireside, so dat
Miss Fannie can be made to take trips
to Paris, and odder necks of woods
where Duchess wants to go, and where
Miss Fannie won't go so long as her
pa has no home of his own.
l don't make it my business to fuss
wit tings like dose, for Pm satisfied
wit me job as it lays; all de same
wouldn't give odds dat Miss Fannie
would put up a yell if Whiskers had
a shack to run all by himself, and
didn't have SO much time to run hers.
MI. Paul doesn't say noting. He's a
wise guy, Mr.. Paul is, and SO long as
Whiskers stands half de price of run
ming our places, dat leaves Mr.. Paul
more of his own long green to turn
away on yachts and tings dat boins
money like a tree-call fire alarm. But
key on a different block from US
can't see Mr.. Paul putting his leg out
of joint kicking about it. But it amt
a man-servants graft to fuss wit dat
part of de game. It's different wit
women soivants. If Duchess didn't
have hand in running tings I tink
she'd give up woik, and live on de tips
she's been touching me for all desc
years. I was asking her about de
Doodle she has banked. whats de
use of money except to spend it?' I
says to her.
de Woist use you can put money to
is to spend it, mon ami If you spend
it you is no better off dan dose foolish
poissons dat don't save it. Money is
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30
'un a file through your teeth 2"

run file through your teeth?"
When l was a boy-yes," said I.
well, that is the effect the city's
voice has upon your nerves." observed
the goddess. eff were asked to write
a magazine poem describing it, think
l should put it thus:
eff you take the clang of the trolley cars,
And an infants sharp toned wall,
With a dozen or more of wild huZZaS
From the anarchists hidden trail,
"And a billion notes from Duss' horn,
Plus the SIRENS strident toot, -
With a Shrek from the mass of lone and
lOrn
And the midnight owls boot,
''And the sky flung honk of the hurting
goose,
With a groan that's deep as the sea,
And mix them well you will reproduce
The voice that comes up to me-
II don't wonder you like to come
down occasionally" said I, eff that's
the sort of thing you have to listen to
every day. But does the voice articu-
late at all?"
YES" sighed Diana. ut is contin-
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

ger steamers every week from MILF
wall dock direct to the Now port, ST.
Petersburg, taking the Kiel canal route
on the way-a canal of fifty-thr
miles, full of interesting sights, says
the London Express.
You are five days on the sea, and on
the fifth day are steaming out of the
peaceful Baltic into the river Neva,
under the scowling forts OF Crenstadt.
But do not be alarmed. These are not
genuine forts, fierce as they appear.
They are frauds, innocent mockcries;
and the real protectors of the city lie
further back, out of sight
There is no occasion for alarm when
at Cronstadt the ship is invaded by
bushy-browed Russians in green braid
ed uniforms and long boots; they are
only customs officers, and their chief
occupation seems to be sitting on the
hatehways. After Cronstadt comes st.
Petersburg, and by this time one will
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

have become quite used to the officials.
Some more will come aboard, with
jangling swords and spurs, to look aft
er the passport. Treat it all as though
it We're scene from comic opera.
There is much to see in st. Peters
burg if you will go sightseeing; the
Cathedral of st. Isaac, with it's Won
derful stain glass windows, its massive
pillars of malachite and lapis lazuli, it's
gold ikons, glittering with diamonds
and precious stones; the Hermitage,
with its glorious collection of old mas
ters; the Winter palace.wft the apart
ments of Alexander II. left to this day
just as he left them, only to return
bleeding and broken by the Nihilists'
bomb.
There are the Cathedral of Our Lady
Of Kazan, with its dazzling wealth of
precious stones the Church of SIS. Pet
er and Paul. where lie buried the em-
perorS Of all the Russias; the mu-
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

and pray ere setting out on journey.
If ever a man has been shamefully
traduced, it is the Russian street police
man. There is nothing gruff about him;
he is superpolite if you ask him ques-
ton.
AS far as amusement gees. there are
over thirty gardens which combine a
cafe chantant and a theater with a
promenade in the open air, as in most
continental cities. In the summer this
is delightful. You sip your lemon tea or
your vodka (for in Russia one must
drink as the Russians drink under the
shade of the trees. while listening to a
comic opera or some Cossack singers.
Gray-coated, magnificent officers stalk
proudly III and out of the tfronS OF
pleasure seekers. Frag ments OF French,
Russian. German and English CONVEX
sation drift on the wind. Students and
uniformed schoolboys wander about.
Bareheaded girls thread in and out OF
the crowd offering red roses for sale
The scene is always one OF gayety and
animation. The entertainment is gener-
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

put up, Duchess gets de decision. and
de poisse; she being referee and stake
holder, bote.
Wiley Wildly. She's not de kind of a
player dat sits on de club house ve-
randy waiting for a easy mark to go
around de links wit her. If de one she
wants won't play, she'll be in a game
If it's only a onesome-dough four
somes come her way swifter dan any
odder. So when Whiskers got shy,
Wildly was as gaily-g aily as any gofl
in the county. Duchess tried her best
to get Miss Fannie to drag Whiskers
over to Widdy's cottage, SO dat he
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

when Duchess gets passing out de
latest extrays about de little lad in de
brass band set dat carries a wrist bag
and wears a rose in his thatch at night
it wouldn't do dose backwoods French
les no good to hear de whole story
Jacques gives each of de walters
bot of claret for dinner, but dat day
one of 'em was locked his red wine
and made to drink tea because he'd
broke so many dishes, and de poor
chap cried so much over his hard luck
dat he made de tea salty. Den he said
it wasn't SO bad.
But dat wasn't what was going to
tell you; only sometimes get wonder
ing so hard why all folks isn't like
Americans dat I has to sing a coon
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

no good If you don't have 1t, is it? If
1t is only good to spend, why take all
de trouble to get it? No, Master
Cheems, if you have money you have
self-respe ctxTde only%aing dat you can
buy wit money, and at de same time
not spend de money. Dere @should be a
law dat man should make all de money
he -can-and give it all to his wife.
OATS de only way he can, buy happi-
ness"
was foolish fellow to come to a
elinch wit Duchess on dat proposition;
for no matter how good a argument l
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

ally of cosmopolitan variety.
At one garden I Went to 1 heard a
German sing a comic song. a Spanish
dancer gyrated like Tortajada. a Swe-
dish couple sang duet in the native
tongue. a coon and an American lady
obliged with q cake walk Fougere sang
Hello. My Baby" in manner remin
iscent of Marguerite CornilIe. and
Russian chanteuse warbled soft gut
turals.
Five days in St Petersburg pass all
too rapidly, but there Is the FIVE days
return journey OH the sea 10 look for
ward to--five days of perfect rest after
the ceaseless sightseeing on shore.
To St. Petersburg then. if you want
an unconventional holiday. In the mat
ter of the passport. the shipping COM
pany, with paternal foresight. will look
after you. The holiday, considering tho
distance you are going and the novelty
Of the trip is not expensive. You can
do it comfortably without being either
too economical or too eXtrayagant, Tor
Ga.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

de couple makes hurry sneak wit us
back to de house, where Maggie gets
out Of her swell rags and into her own
close and den de four of us starts off
up de pike Pretty soon butler runs
us down and asks me didn't l know
dat was due at de house. for dere was
to be bridge, and me being second man
it was UP to me to be OH call if Mr..
Paul would want a small bottle.
Say, before / gets ring to go to de
room where de folks was, Miss Fannie
sends for me, on de quiet, and she says.
"Chames, where is Hortense?"
walking UP de road wit butler,
Maggie and a fren of mine" I says.
HShall I chase after her. Miss Fannie?"
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

can eat wit us, and de walters dimes
wit US, too. It's den dat Duchess tells
Julie de talk of de swift set. dat we
hears at our place, and de tings she
tells must be warm propositions, for
Julie Mon Dieus!" and humps her
eyebrows like she was only two jumps
ahead OF fit. De walters don't I'M
derstand, for dey comes from kind of
a Hoboken of FRANCE where some sort
of French yiddish is spoke and can't
cop de real Paris article dat Duchess
spouts. OATS a good ting, too, for
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1903-08-30

1t was near dark when Whiskers
comes out from dinner and starts off
for stroll to de yacht club house to
trash out de cup races once more. As
soon as he cops Maggie and me fren,
he starts ike he was going to cross de
road, but den he seems to tink dat
wouldn't do, and he keeps on; and
when he passes 'em he hists his lied; me
fren hists his, and dat sassy Bowery goil
Maggie, sweeps a bow dat made her
look more like de Wildly dan de close
did. Whiskers went on his way, and