The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-11-29


Of az the sporty boys who sport around
I used to Be the sportiest and wear the
King Sports crown:
Twas Johnny, set EN- up again. when
anyone I'd inset.
I drank most anything that wasn't thick
enough to eat
The brsweries Az worked overtime to sat
Of al the human reservoirs, I must have
been the worst
] bought an automobile but I ruined the
machine
Tor every. time started out 1 drank the
gasoline
Chorus
But I'm on the water wagon now;
never ger jag on now.
am riding smooth and lightly;
10 my seat am strapped tightly,
For m on the water wagon now.
one night went home very late and
pretty well lit upt
/ hunted round for one more drink; found
something in a cup.
4 crank u, though IL tasted queer, then
tumbled into bed.
Next morn my wife awakened me, Get
up; were robbed, she said.
She d put two lace tides in a cup to
soak, said she.
She couldn't find them anywhere; wher-
ever could they be-
acted very innocent but had to own my
sin
When Irish point lace whiskers started
sprouting on my chin.
One night I met college chum hadn't
seen for years.
we razzlc-dazzled round the town, and
gave the college cheers,
nul the sun was shining; then for home
we thought we'd start.
But 20 our great dismay we couldn't tell
ourselves apart.
At last We went to his address-or mine
we didn't know;
w q pulled the bell. and waited for his
Wife-Or mine--tO show.
And when a voice called. well. who's
there we cried in accents. dim,
~ our husbands here. Come down and
see which one of US is him.
One time when was wrestling with the
mighty Demon Rum.
lne James Preserves attacked me; 1
thought my time had come.
Pink elephants and purple snakes and
green ones. too. appeared.
Inc doctor came and on, 1 saw blue SER
penis in his beard
At last they cot the lady who charms
snakes up at the zoo;
She cured me very. quickly. and she took
the serpents. too,
Which causes me embarrassment. be-
cause whenever now
1 pay a visit to the zoo the snakes all
smile and bow
One night 7 never shall forget thought
I'd leave the crowd.
I They propped me up against a fence, and
went off singing loud
! The universe was going rUond. and ev-
erNthlng seemed wrong.
And was glad had that fence TO help
me get along.
I Rugged the fence; began to walk; in.
deed, it seemed a friend;
But iinaily wondered IL I'd ever reach
I walked and walked till daylight. when
20 my aismay I found
] The fence fncIosed a monument, and I'd
been walking round.
But I'm on the water wagon now.
/ never get a jag on now.
No more g-a-round-a-rOSy.
Round fence when say and dozy;
For I'm on the water wagon now.
This is one Of Clara Morris stories
which has recently been going the
There was cnce an old. old man. He
had been an actor in his day, but now he
was mere wreck. one day at rehearsal
on as the corpse in Julius Caesar
In his past life he had PLAYED the Iiv-
ms Julius Caesar. but now in his dishon-
oIea olG ase ne begged 20 go on and rep
resent great Caesar dead and turned to
clay. The manager let him go on. The
rehearsal was dismissed. and late in the
evening be Welded to temptation. as ev-
eryone knew he would, but bad as he
was he remembered that that was his
iast opportunity to act, and he did not
intend 10 lose IT. He knew if he went to
sleep any place It was ali over with him.
He took the notion TO go to the theatre
at that hour. Off he toddled and got
ready as the cor.nre then went on a bIIrt
for his bier. found it in corner Of the
stage. stretched himself out and went to
sleep. The performance began. The
overture disturbed him not. The ap-
| plause disturbed him still less. The prop
erty man went to look for the bier. and
there ne found Caesar holding down his
They could not stop to quarrel with
him, so some of the supers carried the
a IA 4 IL -.
[ entrance. where he went to sleep again.
Presently came the cue to take him on
the stage. The supers came and picked
UP the bier and lett him in the market
/ place. Marc AntOny's Grafton rolled and
Numbered over the old mans body. Vol
lev after vouey. the applause came and
suddenly the old man awoke. He felt as
II he had been on the bier a long time. He
could not properly place the sentences he
heard. He did not know exactly where
ne was In the play, but he did want to
turn over awfully and then suddenly
came TO him the disastrous thought that
the scene was over and the supers had
dumped him in the entrance and left him
there. He wanted to know where he was
90 slowly and cautiously, as Marc An
Up under the pail till he got it on line
with his eyes, and just as Marc Antony
+" wherein hath Caesar so deserved
your loves? he hooked the pail down.
took good look at the audience and
said; on, excuse me- and tried to be
than he was"
Frank Daniels, who is ma king the sue
cess OF his life in The Office Boy ran
on to New York from Boston the other
day to consult with his manager. G. 3.
Dillingham;. about his impending engage
ment at the Victoria theatre. He was
waylaid as he was entering the Knicker-
booker building by group of brother
professionals, who We're standing on the
curo; Just then one of the big, siX-horse
coach affairs, filled with tourists who
were seeing New York, passed up
Broadway, and the guide, in stentorian
This ladies' and gentlemen. is New
Norks RialtO. Ahead of us you see some
OF the most famous playhouses OF the
metropolis. To the right you will observe
a group OF actors-probably unemployed
Thespians who have walked IN from the
provinces. Note their geunt. fOOJsOre ana
torlorn appearance. To the left I call
The coach rumbled on and the voice Of
the guide was lost in the distance, while
the much-chagrined Daniels fled to the
recesses Of the building. swearing ven-
up job on him
81 wouldn't be without a box of Violet
Caprices for anything in the world said
n. 8. Latham at a rehearsal of the new
Eritzl Scheff opera he is staging for G.
3. Dillingham;
As he spoke. he showed dainty bon
bonniere, bearing the name of a high
violet lozenges. Watch how ii works, -
ne said. A pretty chorus girl was ap-
preaching him with fire in her eyes.
sec here, Mr.. Latham. Mr. Dillingham;
said 4 was to have some lines. and you
have stuck me in the back line"
Inc STAGE manager seemed to be think
ing OF something lar away. as he held
out the box labelled Violet Caprices."
sal Il.