davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09
uuder nv hospItable roof.


There are four rooms in which YOU
can turn In said grandlloauently. and
/ conducted them skyward.
But the most hideous shock OF the eve-
ming yet awaited me. The bed linens had
been taken off every bed and not pill
low or sheet was to be found. Nay more.
the mattresses all lay doubled UP on the
stats, and In the frames of the bedsteads
my guests and saw many little globules
OF quicksilver mingled with the whites Of
eggs. You all know what that means.
This sight froze the blood OF the once
thirsty celibates, Each suddenly remem-
bered that he had pressing engagement
down town, and despite my frenzied ap-
peals that they at least lie down and
sleep on tho parlor carpet. they solemnly
filed out of my house In the sad gray
hours Of the morning like band OF
spectres
When left all alone IN my misery I
went back to see that the house was
properly locked up. Hodge, tf.A-l Family
Tom cat. came In from his nights ramblo
just as was about to close the window.
He looked solemnly at me with his great
moon eyes, licked his side whskers,
Stretched himself as though he had bean
made Of India rubber and then Sided up
to me in sympathetic way as much as
to say: Gosh, but amt tho RENORsN
something awful"
And the funniest part about It all II
that to this day don't know whether tbs,
COMMUNICATIVE Chief helped me to prepare
for that stag party.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09

lax all de snakes In de settlement he'd
come fer take han In the scrimmage;
en- ter save his Ia Brer Terrapin couldn't
tell whar de beginnn' or de end err dem
wuz! Eff he'd been a th'owin' fer heads or
tails In dat crowd he'd "a lost out ev'ry
time he th'owed. He wuz in de center er
de ring, en- de Jnt-snake whirled roun'
him so fas' dat he felt lax de center post
er flynn jimmy tent, en- he got so dizzy
dat his head did mo- sWimmin dan his
foots ever done He gin ter think, he did.
dat he been cujured on de way,-w'en all
or sudden de Jint-snake United hisof
ergin en- dar he wuz quoled up in de
grass, only onep iece err terim. des lax
nuttin out err de ordinary he'd happened
"Br'er Terrapn knowed dat he wuzn't
dreamin', en- ylt he had a snkin' feelin'
dat his min wuz failin', but he lowed
dat eft he could des git de J'int-snak ter
onhltch hisse'f onct mo-, he'd settle dat
question, ez vel ez de dinner ques-
ton, by snappin' up de III jlnts er
de J'int-snake en- eatin him on dc stall
mint plan.
"'Ff you'll des do dat trick onct mo-,
he said, IN he yo' fran fer time.
DE J'int-snake low dat he mighty
tired, but fer sociabllity sake he'll go
throo' de motions ag'in. But no sooner
did he onjnt hsse'f dan Br'er Terrapn
made fer de dancn' limits ter swallow
EN- whole; but dey whlrled roun' faster
dan ever, en- his head gone ter swlmmin'
ag'in, en- in reachin' for one err de j'ints
dat wuz playin' eapfrog wild him. he
felled over on his back-en dar he wuz!
En- ez his foots WIZ a,kickn' six ways
fer Sunday, Man come long, on tied one
err dem wild a string, en- started home wild
Br'er Terrapin ter make soup outer him:
en- his farewell word ter de J'int-sanke
wuz dis:
Nohody knows how to take 'em or whar
ter lay hans on 'em wen dey wants
EN-
EN- den de Jnt-snake gin him ais
answer DE mex time YOU goes ter cir
Gus. Br'er Terrapin, 1t might be wise fer
YOU ter study de program TO dc show
starts up, en- den ter know dos Wen you
seen enuff!'
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09
THE MILLIONAIRE

franchises upon the altar OF this animal
which is the god Of our idolatry,
Although the most lefbned sclentls'"
have devoted much attention to the sub
ject. 1t has been found extremely dr.
ncult to classify it, owing to the neces-
sity Of dividing the species into two dls
tinct classes which vary widely IN thelr
characteristics. The first OF these is
hard working beast OF burden, known
technically as genus doughsrapus' lle
other is gorgeous young creature mueh
resembling the ass In looks and conduct,
and la known as genus doughsprauils'
To this latter class belong the females
of the species whose ability, especially
In America. at getting away with the
long green Is simply marvellous.
The appearance OF the millionaire varies
greatly, making 1t difficult at times to res
cornIze It at sight (see Hetty Green and
Uncle RusselD, but fortunately the west
ern millionaire Is always so new that IT
rattles as 1t walks, so there Is no posi-
billy of MISLEADING 1t. The females. OF
whom you can generally see great deal
at tho opera. are adorned with quarts OF
diamonds. and are frequently quite pleas
Ing to contemplate. There are exceptions
Of course, but as II Is esteemed sacrili
gious to crticise what one worshps these
are Invariably spoken of as young and
beautiful" no matter what sort of fixed
face or pudgy ngure they have,
1t Is generally supposed that the habits
OF the millionaire are very festive, and
that 1t leads gay and joyous life This
seems to be erroneous, as Is also the be-
lief that It lives upon terrapin and cham
ragne, AS a usual thing by the time one
has reached middle life 1t has deyoured
so many undgested securities that 1t has
acquired dyspepsia. and Is forced to SUP
sst upon n diet of stale crackers and
,,,i1lr iS leo fnvrepfal nv tle thong nj
that no matter how much 1t has got, II
hasn't got everything, and this causes IL
to lie awake nights trying to devise
methods of annexing everything In sight
Although this strange creature Is OF a
gregarious nature, and always travels In
herds. It apparently does not really ems
Joy the society OF Its kind. and takes
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09

When the good woman whose word is
law in our home announced a few days
ago that II was her purpose to leave town
for week and put me in charge of the
house. tried to look as II the very
thought grieved me. Inside my mouth,
however, there was a smile OF sat
isfact!on. but never let 1t get out. Such
q thing would have been suicidal.
Yes, said the Communicating Chief.
~ think the children. as well as myself,
need change. and what's more, 1t will
do you good to try your hand at running
house. You and the cook and Hodge
the latter is the family tomcat-"ought to
knock II off very well for n few days,
though admit that in leaving you I
feel am DESERVING one far more helpless
than g babe"
"Ycs, dear" I humbly replied, Il fancy
that with the rubber plants and the ca :
nary bird you are going to leave behind
I'll contrive to while away my time with
solemn duties, and make the lonely hours
pass In some way or other"
This delicate little hint that ! would
miss her Immediately made the Queen
Bee suspicious. Indeed she had already
noticed that my resignation was marvel
lousy beautiful. and almost feared that
rho would circumvent my plans by aban-
doning the excursion.
But she ultimately took the trip, though
tho extensive preparations required for
the transportation of our children re-
minded me much of the removal OF Bos-
tock's wild animal show. The last trunk
wasn't packed until the express wagon
was at the door. and even after the gay
cavalcade had started for the station 1t
was found absolutely necessary for me
to dash back home for the tickets. which
had been left behind. To say that pers-
pired that day would be expressing 1t
mildly. for did nothing more or less than
sweat. And yet--would you believe'it---
when that old woman and my kindergar-
ten steamed out OF the station expert
enced kind of alone-in-New-York SEN
satlon that was really pathetic. man
doesn't know what woman can be to
him until he marrics her. Nor does he
find out until she is gone how many in
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09
Involved in Sentimental Problem.
Cf7in7r77ie Eadden and DuChesS== Involved ss$Sa "
By EDWARD w. TOWNSEND

saw dat we'd done wrong to hn so fresh
wit Whiskers' business.
yield up, Chances, and look cheerful"
dat saucy COLL says. "Be willing loser.
It's good for your temper. II ladies
maids, and gentlemens men never took
hand In matchmaking, cooks would for
get how to make wedding cake. De likes
of you mad me, Chames, sees tlngs from
de inside, and yHs knows what is good for
de folks we solve, better, dan dey knows.
We'd be wicked If we didn't use our
knowledge for to promote happiness.
Smood out your manners. Master Chances,
and yield up gracefully If you're good.
III let you see me In de new robe I'll
buy for what Til sell de wrap Wildly
give me- She appreciate my kindness IN
keeping de cool breezes of her"
.'Dere was no breeze, You're meddling
maid" says.
tut, Chances" says she. would sou
be only one not to appreciate your wifef
You have treasure in me, Chances And
It Is wicked of you not to say 30 every
hour OF de day Open your purse. mon
ami, and pass over de dollar win from
you. See. housekeeper has given me halt
n cold chiclsen-I told her how young she
was looking-and butler has given me
bottle OF claret-1 heard you jolly him
so we will have little supper before We
sleep: and dat will help you remember
what an excellent wife you have In me.
Your purse, mon cheril"
T was In such trance wit de jolly, DAT
didn't notice till de next day dat 1t was
a two dollar blll-me only one-dat she
took stead Of n one.
Say, It's all right to have a careful
wife, but IL Duchess gets much moro
carefuller, I'll have to lead a double life.
or go without cigarette money. Sure!
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09
teresting things he can do in her at

teresting things he can do in her alb
| sencc.
| Now. as an explanation of the cheerful
ness with which I bore UP under the
proposed absence of the COMMANDMENTS
Chief, will state that for some time
past I had been entertaining the most
grandlose ideas about bachelor suppers
and stag parties. 1t had occurred to me
from the very first that could make
myself immensely popular by inviting a
little band OF my thirsty friends to the
house and showing them the easy grace
with which a married man. hay.
Ing all the necessary household
para phernalia can play the part
Of host. Indeed. consoed my conscience
by saying over and over again that such
parties are calculated to stimulate matrl-
mony----to double the demand for mar
rage licenses.
In this subtle argument forgot the
fact that was eliminating the woman
altogether and substituting In her place
such things as Cracked ice, crockery,
sugar bowls and refrigerators. Another
flaw in my line Of reasoning was the fact
that I counted on the cook as a useful
and amiable accessory. who would re-
spond like an automaton to all my de-
nands. and suddenly transform herself
from Stacking, slovenly slattern into
a tripping Hebe. ever ready to do my bid
ding. But cooks nowadays aren't built
on the Hebe plan. The sullen Scnegam-
bian at our house has II supreme con-
tempt for me, and she has spent the best
years Of her life cooking my sphagetti
wrong and brewing me coffee which for
sickly yellowness and unattractiveness
looks like James River water.
1t was n much as our groceryman could
do to get her TO answer the door bell that
day when ! had sent to the house par
eel embracing SUCH masculine diet as a
pineapple cheese, crackers. sardines. pref
zcIs. cigars a crate of beer and a demi-
John containing a gallon OF that fluid
which has caused SO many people to get
bitten By snakes.
When told the little band of the thirsty
that hadn't forgotten some OF the old
tricks ! knew when single, and that l
wanted them up at my house SO that
they could see how one may be happy,
trough married. they one and all first
asked: rs your wife at home!" Ny
negative answers brought prompt &C.
ceptances OF the invitations. Two or
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09

Miss Fannie is Mr.. Pulls wife now. as
was telling you. but me and Duchess
calls her Miss Fannie. Just de same as
always, cept in company. when we calls
her Ma'am, dat being Yankee for Missus
1n French. Little Miss Fannie I calls Kid
die. but Duchess has form name what
she calls her-La Pctite-what Is French
for Petite.
In dis way and dat I'm getting a
strange holt on French, and expect TO get
n fall and decision on de langwudgc by
de time has to so to Paris to live. what
Is de programme Duchess has laid out for
mo old age. OATS why hate to grow old !;
and Iii beat de Paris game. II has to
make a halfway trip over de Brooklyn
Bridge to do 1t.
We is living up at our place on de
Sound. now and I has learned Riddle
to swim, and learned meself how to pull
de plug out OF pint. and solve de fizz
witout missing a drop when Mr.. Pauls
. yacht is doing stunts wit her keel out Of
water, and her rail under. OATS de way
he likes to sail. If ever he has to 60 and
try to bring de cup back from Sir Tumis.
he'll bring It back.-or stop dere wit IT.
Since he won Miss Fannie he has won
most everything else in sight. and has
took to sail yachts again; using de steam
yacht only for gailly-gaily trips when
Miss Fannie has parties to entertain.
What wit sailing and cruising, m getting
20 salt, and Duchess SO peppery, and
Whiskers so oily dat II dere was little
vinegar aboard we could be mixed UP for
a salad dressing.
"Chimmie," says Mr.. Paul to me de
odder day, I'VE will SO out for little
spin In de toity-footer to-day. Is de ham
per packed?"
yes, sir" says. "Dere, is half dozen
bottles and six sandwiches In 1t.
Don't take up too much room Wit de
sandwiches" he says, winking at Whisk
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09

ers, VIII you go wit US. me dear7" he asks
Miss Funie.
mo tank you. dear" she says, y pre-
ters me daily bat in de bat tub. But when
you're had your spin. I'd like you TO take
US out in de steam yacht. I've invited
some young people from de hill for a
trip" she says.
So dat was de way we come to take de
trip l was going to tell you about. But
foist let me ask you: remember Wiley
Wildly? She's de gailly-gailly COLL what is
entered for dc Whiskers' Stake. Since
Miss Fannie married Mr.. aul she Isn't
as lcary Of Wiley Wildly. as she was
when Wildly made bluff at being in de
running for Mr.. Paul himself. l used
to think Miss Fannie was shy OF Wildly
because she didn't fancy her for step
modder. but now Know she was only
riding her own race when she used to
take de rail- away from Wildly. Tings is
different. now. Duchess says dat Miss
Fannie wouldn't mind II Wildly landed
Whlskers.
OATS one OF de funniest tngs about
women and all tings about EN- Is funny.
When Miss Fannie didn't know wedder
or not she wanted to marry Mr.. Paul
dere was no mistake dat she didn't want
Wildly to marry him.
"How's dat?" says to Duchess
whats de system OF favorites wit wo-
menu I says. IF Miss Fannie taut she
didn't want Mr., Paul, why wouldn't she
let Wildly have him? And II 1t was
Whiskers she was protecting den. why Is
She willing to let Wildly raid him now?"
at is OF de simple" Duchess says,
wit dat cock sure way women has when
riey is putting you wise on who Is whose
steady, and why. When woman has
not de acquaintance OF her heart In a
particular case. dere is noting dat so
quick decides her mind as annoder wom-
ans"
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09

you and me would not have OF de inter-
ference In our management OF Miss Fan
nis houses"
Dat was straight tip. for fair; cause
Whiskers is de only one what butts into
de game of our running our places as we
likes.
Well, as was saying, we starts out
for a run up de Sound on de steam yacht.
wit party along dat come from one OF
de big houses over White Plains way.
In de push was mug what was doing
a weakened at house-party. and. say,
he was out for a bank-roll 80 strong dat
he couldn't cover it up He wasn't much
of a mixer; sort of stood off from de
bunch sizing EN- up to see what one
looked like de best guy for investment.
But he wasn't shy Of me when he seen
dat was opening bots.
''Ill have glass of de boy, me man,
he was saying, like It was song he was
to obllge wit after dinner and was afraid
he'd forget it. De more poured for him.
de solemner he got, and de shyer OF ae
gauy-gailly gang. Duchess pipes De
game when was solving him his 'steent
glass. and she waltzes around behind him,
and passes me de wink to get togedder.
7 slde-steps to her. and she begins 10
buzz me like she was telling secrets. but
I was on dat she wanted de mug to
hear.
Mon Dieu!" says she, "N1'sieu Van
cortlandt"-dat's Whiskers-'is in grand
favor wit Madam Harding "-meaning
Wildly.
"sure," says l. Grand stand favor"
7 saws. not knowing her game, and play
ing light until could get next.
''of a sotalnty," Duchess says. rub
bering to see did de mug tom his ear our
wayEand he did "Wit all of Madam
Hardlng's millions one would not INK she
would be so willing to marry again"
"It's in de blood" says 1. getting into
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09
(, and neck I offers Duchess even money.
4.1xe l,aia nd aha plclcs NrllSkcrG.
Copyright, 1903.

and neck. I offers Duchess even money.
take her choice. and she picks Wh!skcrs.
Duchess interfered. After lunch she
goes to WILDLY wit a parasol, and when
she was behind her she gives de wise
eye to de Doodle bargainer. and he says
he will look for seats out Of de sui, and
folleys Duchess to a quieter part OF de
deck, where she says to him, Pardon,
Msleu, but when you asks for Madam
Harding was II de wealthy Madam Hard
Ing you was speaking or
"Ah-er-well-to be sure-I heard dat
she was wealty," he says,
"Oh." says Duchess, dat Madam
Harding didn't come to-day. De Madam
Harding on board Is not de wcalty one.
I would not wish TO confuse M'sieu
Say, he goes away back stern. and sits
down. where dere is no one to tnlS to-;
and he looks so up against 1t dat opens
fresh quart. and leaves It along side
OF him, and he didn't open his fuce 10
anything else all day
Whiskers looked around at him. now
and den, like a. CRATER watching for cops,
but never strayed again from Wildly 8
side.
DO you fancy dat wrar you brought
me dis afternoon?" WILDLY says tn Duch-
ass when we was landed.
"Ah, Madam. CONNECTION EXCUSE says
Duchess. rolling he eyes like she'd been
raped onde coco,
.'If you tink 1t ms handsome as dat,
YOU may have It," says Wildly.
III win" Duchess says to me dat night.
us Whiskers under de wire foist?" l
asks
INA, but he had sucil-what you say
such scare trun into him dat he'll never
stop riding hard until he VIM Pay your
bet. Chames.'
'lt's not sotvants' business to be mixing
up in affairs OF deir betters" says. for
when Duchess touched me for de bet !
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09

nostrlls and paralyzing sense Of help
lessness came over me.
slide in. boys bravely said you'll
find Il all in the dining room, and we'll
SEQ IL we can't add few Mutations to
the usual noises of Rome. The boys slid.
Into my dim hallway they cautiously and
reVerently CROPPED their way among the
frangible bric-a-brac and spreading rub
Der plants until, with the aid Of a lighted
match, had piloted them TO the dining
room.
Willing hands quickly hoisted the cheese
and the crackers and the other ct ceteras
to the table, and with an air of great
pomposity I said: Lets do 1t right be-
fore we start. Walt minute fellows.
and III spread the napkins and pull out a
few knives and forks"
There was a second grunt OF approba-
ton.
But To-. when went to pull out these
articles I couldn't for the life OF me tell
where they were kept. In vain did
rummage found everything on earth
except napkins and knives and froks.
Hopelessly did I struggle to redeem my
self. and wildly did l roar and below
with Indignation against the absent Hebe.
"Cut the knives and forks and napkins
out" cheerfully responded the thirsty
ones, seeing my embarrassment, we'll
eat with our fingers and wipe our mouths
on our shirt sleeves
AT least" said 1. we'll get few
glasses" and ! frantically made for the
china press where dozens OF these recep-
tacles glistened through the glass doors.
But alas! the good woman whose name
Is a synonym for prudence. had locked
the doors Of the china press as we'll az
those of the sideboard.
When I realized this, could have di-
vorced her on sight. but the members Of
my bachelor party murmured not Away
with the glasses" they cheerfully cried.
well drink out out the bottles."
".All want" cried one. "is little sail
for my beer" And then the horrible
thought flashed over my mind that I knew
no more about tho place where our sal
cellars are kept than I do about the
whereabo of Mrs. Roosevelts dr.,
goods bills.
OF course, the salt was not forthcoming
though 7. was ready to weep briny tear!
OF modification.
LET the salt co." chorused the in
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-08-09

line. SHE'S been married before, and
has de habit
"If1 had so much OF de millions as she.
7 would not trun meself at de foist gent
dat asked says Duchess, winking at ME
to see de mugs ears getting red.
Den Duchess whispered 80 low dat he
couldn't hear no more, so pretty soon ha
toined to us, and says. "Mam'zelle, ex
pected to meet a Mrs. Harding here to-
day. Is she aboard?"
Duchess pointed out Wildly, and says,
Dat Is Mrs. Harding" and he was off
like de barrier was sprung: and Duchess
chases down II de cabin wit me- IF
It Is only a little jealousy dat WHISPERS
needed, we have provided 1t for him.
she says.
Say. honest, you never saw an ambu-
lance get SO busy on hurry call, as dat
lcng-green hunter got busy wit Wildly.
l no sooner was passing de laxt bottle
dan he had a seat by her side: and II
ever dere was gailly-gailly In mug 8
gig lamps. den It was In his. IT takes
a strong Jolt of dat kind to break Wlddy's
guard for she's handy at de game, her
self when dere's noting else to do; but
she was wondering what had happened,
for de mug acted like he wanted to land
aknock- out in de folst rally. But before
q round could been timed, Duchess goes
to Wildly wit a wrap. and says, Madam
Is chilly" and leans over her and passes
a void to her ear. Den Wildly seems
near dying, trying not to laugh.
She played ball as hard as de felly did,
after dat; and I seen Whlskers looking
like he had pain In his temper, and
noting to take for It, He tried to butt
into de center, and Wildly wouldn't set
him. and Whiskers got as red as his
whlskers. But de old gent Is slayer
when he wants to be- and before lunch
was over he had spur and whip bote IN
action. and him and de mug vas neck