Waterbury evening Democrat., 1903-03-12


 ''oNE vHAs FOR BEER UND DER UDDER
 ONE FOR A MUSEUM. money on saloon. She vhas right on hand all der time, und der profits buys a farm in two years. In der next place start museum. Eaferypody who owns museum vhas rich man. A museum interests old folks, pleases der children und aids der cause of edu- cation. If you make museum und a saloon together, you vhas one of der biggest men in America in three months"
 ''But how can do it?' says
 'I dunno, Hans, but you should think it oafer. gif you hints, und you work 'em out. I vhas poor man when friend told me to go in der plumbing peesness und charge two toll lar for stopping leak in water pipe, und now I own seven houses und haf ten children. You vhas my frendt, und I put you on to a good thing"
 When dot plumber goes out, I sit down und talk nit myself. Der trou- ble init me vhas dot nottings, vhas two times alike. One day man cums in my place und drinks my beer und reads my gas meter, und dot fat po- liceman says I yhas swindles und should look oudt Next day another man cums und acts shust the same, und gif him der boot und vhas fined twenty-five tollar. One time an ex- pressman cums init a package and collects fife toller, und when open him he vhas a big stone. Dot fat police man says vhas greenhorns und don't know somebody. Next day dot expressman cums init package und I fight init him und haf to pay feefty tollar. One day der man who makes der taxes cums in my place und drinks four beers und says he makes my taxes lower. go by der police, und he laughs at me und says I better go back to Shermany. Next day another man cums to drink my beer und see about taxes, upd I run him out und vhas in troubles. If somebody vhas nopody, how you going to tell about it?
 I speak to my wife all about der sa- loon und museum peesness, howeffer, und talk for an hour init der druggist und coal man, und shall see about her. Dot little tailor don't like to see me get ahead of him in peesness, but last night he comes around und talks to me und writes me out piece for der papers as follows:
 Ladies und Shentlemen-I like to in- troduce myself in my new peesness. I haf opened some saloons for beer, but she vhas divided off in two pieces. One VI, Hav. s museum. It vhas no sharge to go in or come oudt, und stay as long as you like. You can stay in or stay oudt-- she vhas der same to me- Dot beer vhas for sale at der usual price, und she vhas ten Ks, but if you don't vhant some you go by der museum und she vhas shust der same. She vhas inno- cent for women und children, und no one vhas made better for seeing my place.
 "I like to call your attention to my lulu. I don't know he vhas lulu till der man who sells him to me gifs me dot pointer. I belief all der time he vhas a stuffed cat init glass eyes und bobtail Dot lulu vhas from Africa. und he vhas so fierce dot efen der ele- plants run avhay from him. If a man should meet lulu in an African forest at midnight, God help dot man! He would shust hear one awful scream, und den he would be in kindling wood, und dot lulu would drink his blood und scream 'Ha! ha! haP Nopody shall be afraid of my lulu because he vhas deadt und can't fight, und because vhas at handt to protect der women und children. I like to say in conclu- sion dot nopody shall poke him init a stick, und dot he vhas der only speci- men effer brought to America. Some time dot policeman says I vhas lulu myself, but he don't haf time to point himself.
 "In dot next cage you find der hodag. don't know some hodags until buy him for feefteen tollar. I belief he vhas stuffed fox. und shmile at him. put der man proofs dot he vhas right. Dot hodag vhas from Australia, yhare he goes roaming to eat eaferypody cop. While he vhas a small animal, he has big appetite, und if he don't eat one man a day he vhas hungry. He don't fear nopody. If you meet him when you vhas walking out, you vhas gone cop der spout He shumps on your back und fiings you down, und for ten minutes he toys init you unA makes you belief he yhas all in fun You pet