davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
STARS THAT STEAL.
Planets and Suns May Pick Up Minor
Celestial Bodies.

Jupiter is much the biggest member
of the family Of stars which revolve
around our sun. Consequently the
power of his attraction is greater than
that possessed, for instance, by the
earth. Jupiters exploits as a burglar
have caused very considerable annoy
ance and Inconvenience to astronomers
in the days before his powers We're
fully recognized.
In 177O there appeared fine comet,
which was found to have an eliptical
orbit round the sun of so compara-
lively small size that Mr.. Lexell,
its discoverer, calculated it would re-
turn in five and half years. But in
1775 telescopes were vafnly focused on
the spot where it was expected to re-
appear, and again in 1871 it disap-
pointed all observers. Mr.. Lexell
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
ILL.NATURED AT BREAKFAST.
Where Men Are Said to Differ from
Their Sisters and Wives.

Their Sisters and Wives.
II think my business affords me the
best opportunities in the world for
judging human nature" said an OBJ.
servant Avenue restaurant keeper,
land my observations have led me to
the conclusion that woman, with. all
her nerves. are much more gOOd-tem-
pered than men, and there Is no great
er test than at breakfast. l have no
reason to believe that my patrons diff
fer from the ordinary run of people;
in fact, most of them are newspaper
men, who for the most part take life
as it comes without much complaint,
and If you take them at dinner or at
night they are fine fellows and easy
to please; but breakfast time is quite
another matter, and as friendly as
am with my men customers, cannot
recall one whom l would care to pro-
woke before breakfast, for this is his
favorite time to register kicks. First.
his very attitude signifies that the
waiter Is too slow; that he has been
there at least fifteen minutes without
being so much as seen by the waiter.
anu Wueu Tue OrueT is uHdlly UEouSul
to him he's in bad hunlor and finds
fault with everything placed before
him. The steak Is sure to be too rare
or too well done and the eggs fried
only on one side, or because he prefers
them SO. they will upon this occasion
be cooked brown on both sides. But by
the time the first meal is consumed
and, having had a cup Of good coffee,
he then realizes that things were not
half so bad and that he does feel bet
ter and then gets in really good hu-
NOR. =. ...-.5..-.
With women it is different. 1t may
be that an empty stomach does not af-
feet their nerves to the same extent
that it does a mans, but 1t is the ex-
ception when my woman patrons COM
plain Of their breakfast, and for the
most part are in apparent good hui
NOR"
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
The Missing Will.

GRHE onyx clock on the mantel
chimed the hour Of IL, and beau
tiful Norma Maynard arose to
retire STOPPING gracefully over her
fathers chair she lightly kissed his
forehead, then turned, with charm
ing gesture, to a tall, distinguished
looking man, who arose with alacr1ty
to clasp the dimpled hand. Good
night, Mr.. Netherby." Wells Neither
by's eyes sought hers. "My last even
ing has sped away on golden wings.
Miss Norma. Good night, but not
goodbye I'll see you tomorrow
Norma's shadowy eyes fell beneath
his pleading, questioning gaze, and she
trembled as his warm lips touched her
fingertips, but forcing smile, she an
swered lightly: "You may If your
train doesn't leave too early; I'm not
an .early bird you know"
Turning quickly to hide the forbid
den tears that dinlmed her bright eyes,
Norma disappeared between the velvet
portieres, while Wells lighted a cigar
and stared at the carpet in moody ST.
lence. The kind voice of the elder
man broke the oppressive silence.
"Rightfully, this estate with its
princely revenues should be yours,
Wells. Your father was Noel Neither
by's adopted son, reared to believe he
would inherit all, but as no will was
found. the house being burned with
poor Netherby in it, the law gave it all
to me. a total stranger, though distant
relative. 1t is the height of injustice.
Now, listen, Wells,' the earnest voice
continued; ST am convinced that your
affection for my daughter is recipro-
Gated, and the very fact seems to me
providentfal"
"Do not tempt me, sir. 1 will never
ask Miss Maynard's hand in marriage
until l am her equal in wealth. am
no fortune hunter"
A brief silence ensues, then Mr..
Maynard queries, abruptly: wells,
did you know the house Is haunted? :?
Twice since we have lived here the
cellar has been filed with smoke, COM
ing from no earthly source that we
could find. II 1 were a believer in
the supernatural, 1 would say that
Netherby's spirit could not rest after
meeting such an untimely DEATH"
"But this is a new house." remon-
strated Wells.
"True, but the cellar is the same
This house was erected ON the old
foundation"
''What nonsensev laughed Wells
''Let us hope the old gentleman is not
in such bad condition he would fill
the house with smoke if he should ma
terialize.'
Wells soon after retired to his room
on the first floor. Sleep did not visit
him at once, and he lay tossing rest
lessly, thinking of the strange fate that
had made him an outcast and caused
him to fall hopelessly in love with the
daughter of his fathers successor.
The weary eyelids closed at last. The
next thing Wells reaitzsd was a queer,
choking sensation. Smoke enveloped
him and he found himself mechan-
ically cropping his way along the hall
to the door which led into the cellar.
A rush of condensed smoke greeted
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Our Greatest Frontier Judge.

A man who sentenced 172 criminals
to death, SS of whom were hanged;
an upright judge, holding sway for
twenty-one years over 74,00O square
miles of the most lawless territory in
the United States; stern, just judge,
whose name became a terror to evil
doers; very kindly, sympathetic gen.
tleman and public-spirited citizen
few characters have been developed
In our West who have played a more
striking role than Isaac G. Parker,
United States District Judge for the
Western District of Arkansas from
May, 1875, to September, 1S96.-Les-
lies Popular Monthly.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Useless Expeditions.

Sir Clements Markham, president Of
the Royal Geographical Society,
strongly deprecates the costly expedi-
tions which the various nations sent
out in rivalry without any system of
cooperation. He considers future
north pole expeditions as worthless;
useless for geographical purposes;
useless from the naturalist's point of
view.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21


OF fam of mu fame andth
before the with his John
FImaus fol
he
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Must Support the Family.

Dinah: "Look hyar. Sam, we done
bin married To- or five days now; doan'
yo' reckon yo' bettah go out an look
fo' some wuck" Sam: "Nebah mind
bout dat yit. I'll find some wuck fo'
yo' time 'nough, but I doan' want yo'
ter t'ink OBJ washin' an ironin' till de
honeymoon am past."-Philadelphia
Press.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Travelling Mechanics.

A feature in the workaday life Of
China, says the author Of Society in
China" Is the number of itinerant
craftsmen who earn their living on
the streets. Every domestic want, from
the riveting of broken saucer to shaw
ing a mans head, is supplied by these
useful peripatencs. '
If a mans jacket needs mending or
his shoes repairing, he summons. a
passing tailor or cobbler, and possibly,
while waiting for his mended clothes,
employs the services Of a travelling bar
ber to plait his queue. Even black.
smiths carry about with them the very
simple instruments Of their trale, and
the bellows which blow the flame are
commonly so constructed as to serve
when required as box for the tools
and for a seat to rest the owner when
weary. ;...
The rudest tools are all that a work
man has at his disposal, and the idea
never seems to occur to him that an
Improvement in their structure is
either called for or necessary. The ma
son who wishes to move a block of
stone knows no better means for the
purpose than the shoulders Of his fel-
low men, supplemented by bamboos and
ropes. The carpenter who wants to
saw up fallen tree does so with his
own hand, without a thought of the
easier device of a sawmill.
SO it is with every branch of in
dustry. Many of the contrivances en-
ployed are extremely ingenious, but
since they We're invented no advance
has been made toward relieving the
workman from any part of his toll.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

to view. The next instant Wells hand
was grasped enthusiastically as Mr..
Maynard read. Last will and tesla
ment of Noel Netherby." Then ITO
my beloved son, by adoption, William
Netherby, will and bequeath, ETC."
Heaven be praised. Wells! Sure as
fate, Netherby's spirit burned the
house, and you have found the miss
ing ll."-Indianapolis Sun.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

the members of
the Naval Board
of G On 8 truction
who acquired their
knowledge Of war
ship building from
practical expert
ence disappears.
r e ar Admiral
Melville entered
the navy through
the engine room in
1861, and has been
III IL
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

Mr.. Nokoyne-l'n give you the mon
ey for a new hat next week.
Mrs. Nokoyne-But that's what you
said last week.
Mr.. Nokoyne-Yes, and I'm likely
to say the same thing next week, too.
I'm not the kind of a man who says
one thing one week and another thing
the next week.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Because of Prfnciple.

The Rev. Frank Bachelor, Of the
South Congregational Church, Hook
anum, Conn, has resigned his pas
torate because leading members Of his
flock refuse to abandon the culture of
h0hacco
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Why She Laughed.

Bridget" said Mrs. Hyfyte. your
lady friend mustn't stay so late here
after. Her uproarious laughter woke
me up at 1 o'clock this morning."
"Yis. mum. l was tellin' her about
how you tried to make cake wan day"
indianapolis Sun.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
An Open Secret.

An Open Secret.
The reason for embracing
We need not seek afar;
Men love to hug delusions-
And girls delusions are.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
3ecarse I'm afraid
A Maidenly Amenity.

The spinster showed her visitor
beautiful handmade lace collar and
said proudly: This is over fifty years
old"
1T is beautiful" purred the girl
did you make it, dear?"-New York
Press
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Chinese Bear Heat.

Chinese fremen seem to be immune
to the fierce heat of the ffreroom on
ocean steamers, and stand up to tenn
perature that would prosrats white
men.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Then He Went.

"Will you think of me When Tn
gomez" asked the lovelorn youth, wht
seemed unable to tear himself from
her presence.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Cost OF Divorce.

1t is estimated that persons seek
ing divorce in South Dakota spend,
while gaining residence for that pur.
pose. 100000 year.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
MELVILLE OF THE NAVY.

Distinguished Career of the Retiring
Rear Admiral.
With the retirement of Rear Admiral
George w. Melville, chief Of the Bu-
reau of Steam Engineering, the last of
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
True Beneyolence.

''Do you always give up your seat
in street car to lady?"
''Always-if she asks me for it,
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Something in a Name.

Miss Dashaway-It was very good
of you to name your automobile after
me. By the way, what is it like!
Mr.. Cashleigh-Well, it isn't a thing
Of beauty, but It's the fastest bunch Of
wheels that ever came down the boule7
yard
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
He Had a Great Name.

Miss De Style-By the way, count,
it is very awkward, but do not know
your name.
Russian Count-Vould you like to
hear it?
Most certainly"
Den, If you haf ten minutes to
spare sit down and I will tell it to
you."-Londen Tit-Bits.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Greek Meet. Greek.

Merchant-Your references seem to
be all right, and If you can put up
$1,000 cash security you can have the
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Keeping Tab.

You should sleep on right side, mad
am"
IT really can't do it, doctor; my hus-
band talks in his sleep, and I can't
hear thing with my left ear."-Town
Topics.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
As Defined.

IA Defined.
"say, mamma" quer1ed little Mary
ellen, what's q dead letter.
ANY letter that is given to your
father to mail, my DEAR" replied the
wise mother
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Had to Get Well sometirn,

Martha-I meant to come to see you
while you were sick, Mary.
Mary-Well, couldn't stay sick all
summer to oblige you.-Detroit Free
Press.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

Had Nothing TO ehow.
"Say, doctor, what's that last %
item in your bill for?'
Let me see. Oh, yes I gave you
a thorough examination on that day.
Don't you remember"
Sure, 1 remember. But do you sup
pose am going to pay you for that
when you took up an hour Of my time
and then could not find anything the
matter with me at anT'-Bufalo Tx
press.
One Wealthy Invalid.
"How much Is he worth?''
"Six millions"
"And how does he enjoy .life7'
"Well, the doctors say that IL he's
very careful with himself he'll be able
to sit up and make his will one Of
these days!'-Atlanta Constitut3en.
The Way to Civil Service.
Tite-There's only one way to get
civil service.
Jenks-How's that?
Tite-Why, make the tip big one
Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
flkR

Mrs. Henpeck-My!S my! What an
awful catastrophe happened to young
Jinks.
Mr.. H. (absently)-Eh? Whom did
he marry?
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Pushing Him Along.

Pushing Him Along.
"Would you mind pinning a flower in
my coat when 1 go?" asked young
DeBorem
Certainly not" replied Miss Wear
yum. ''It will afford me pleasure to do
it at once"
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
CouIdu,t Trust Himse1

Bleeker-But If you and your wife
are not congenial why don't you get a
divorce?
Meeker-Because I'm afraid.
Bleeker-What are you afraid Of?
Meeker-I'm afraid I might be fool
enough to marry again.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

The process of rapid tanning by elec
trolysis has failed.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.

Odd, Curious aud Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Por-
trayed by Eminent Word Artists of
Oar own Day-A Budget of Fun.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
The Bow-wow.

Jess-I've seen him trying to firt
with you, too.-Philade1phia Press.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

Applicant-Thank you, sir. But
what security can you put up for my
$1,000?
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

Here's an account of a woman who
committed suicide because her hus-
band had died." said Growells, as he
glanced up from his paper. What do
you think of that?'
II think" answered Mrs. G., that
she married the one man in about
1,OOO, 100000"
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

Tiredout Walker-You seem 70 nerv-
GUS, Willie, what's the matter?
Willie Weariness-I've been insulted
That man back there said was work
ing for him, mind you, he said work
ing"
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
From Bad to Worse.

Patient-The heat is so oppressive,
doctor, that 1 almost feel inclined to
commit suicide.
Doctor-Tut, tut! That will never
do. What you need is a change Of
climate.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Foor BoyS
Recovering From the De1usion.

Roundleigh Towne-Do you believe
in art for arts sake?
Cashleigh Splash had to for a
while, but I'm getting orders now all
right.-New York Sun.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
Hi. Reuut,tie, 4, P.r,I

Tess-He's gay Lothario. He tries
20 firt with all the pretty girls in our
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

Mrs B Good Hotel De La Doe Ocean
yDeaeSW e lam glad Ito hear and the hng such good miss
but will sand lawn
evening The yard ill 90 like the Garden Of Ed when won't fge f tn
night No rovngh htand
S. los h from door an % h a in 20 e
alt
cnnauPS
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

This Mr.. Wing Wung of HungChow
Walked out with his little bow-wow.
How nicelyv' he said,
"a dog may be led,
Provided you only know howv'
The Way Out of It.
She-He can't bear to have girls get
ahead Of him.
He-Then why doesn't he stop run
ming after them Harvard Lampoon.
Bored to Death.
Tess-Gracious! You're as cross as
two sticks this morning.
Jess-No wonder. That's what 1 had
calling on me last night.
Tess-What?
Jess-Two sticks.-Phila. Press.
Foor Boy!
"Your new brother Is the eleventh
child in the family, is he not?' asked
the caller.
''Yes, ma'am," said the little girl
"Have you named him YETI"
81 think we're going to name him
Jerusalem. That's what papa called
him when he was born."- Chicago Tri-
bune.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

Hicks -Henpeck Is very fond Of en-
sertaining, isn't he? =
Wicks-Yes: his wife il always
pleasant to him when there's com
pany in the house.-Philadelphia
Press
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21
On the Auto, of Course.
SGT ron ooroec old Hanxins in R0rfor

II ran across old HOPKINS In Bosto
yesterday"
Casualty"
.No; fataIly."-Haryard Lampoon.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-08-21

4 Natural Question.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1903-01-25
=rr1r R1lsnMoND. DIsPAI sUNDAY.JANUAKY 8 1903

The social philosopher defines Genttsity
rs the giving up or small matters that We
may have our way IN great ones Inc ne
old lady's advice to the young motheI
wal: My child, don't mako many points.
but when you make one carry Il.
The divine wisdom OF our Lord absolute.
IL discourages litigation and STRIFE, ana 70
recommends all personal sacrifices tos
speace's sake; but offers the highest
honor. to those who suffer and endure toIs
Righteousness sake-for testimony to the
truth. iSSs -
The fundamental principle OF business
life Is not to contend over tribes. nor %
waste time and money over Ina ined
rights or wrongs. S. 4. - :ss z
The ways Of providence. the universal
8, stem of things. the. mills OF the gods.
punish wrongs and Wrong-do and VIM
sdtcate the right.
Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1903-01-25

srxrnous ALIc1s losEyELT,l.

On. sorxets there's sueh ]. 4 thing ~
politics or sectional feeling when he
thinks Of fresh little Alice. RDoseveits the
daughter Of our whimsical President You
can't exactly cay that she's pretty. but!
on, the other hand. her friends are BY
no means driven to the use OF that con-
solatory adjective sweet In describing
her. Let US rather say she is winsome
and engaging, for surely she Is both. not
70 mention the charm Of her youth and
vivacity. And then. too. she is some
thing more. She is generous One might
have judged as much from her pictures.
but an additional proof which comes In
the form Of a newspaper item. makes the
evidence cumulative Men. may not see
the true inwardness OF the story But
no woman will fan to appreciate It. And
we fancy that many fair reader Will
be astounded by the recital Of Miss Roose-
vets remarkable-year, abnormal-mag-
nanimfty. The story Is this: When tho
daughter Of the White House went to 2
Certain "sms rt'' tea In Washington. last
week-or shall we use that delicious socie-
ty-column word. ..function'-she was sud
denly confronted by an "apparition." :.
who wore costume which was the ex-
act counterpart OF her own. Think OF It,
yo OF the eentler sex, who never fall to
be gentle cave with one another OF your
kind. The horrid thing. had duplicated
Miss Roosevelt's dress. and had the au-
dacity to appear IN the latter $ creat ton
Of white cloth, deliberately trimmed In
Russian lace. It was such scenes as this
that the cynical Pope liked to describe.
but had no witnessed the little tableau in
Washington. he would have been dis
appointed MISS Roosevelt dH not rend
heaven with her Indignant shr,Eks. nor
did she show the wrath OF Juno. On the
contrary. she greeted the "apparitton
otherwise Miss Alice Ward, very corr
daily and the two had lots Of fun over
the similarity OF their attire. The news
paper report even adds this Information:
.After iaughingly comparing the gowns,
these two merry maids executed an nm M.
promptu cakewaik as the Gold Dust
Twins" to the amusement OF the COM
pany which was the srnartest OF the gath-
erings Of the day. IS.
In Justice TO Miss Ward. however-and
stu more to the credit Of Miss Roosevelt
Iii should be stated that some time o.
fore this meeting Miss Ward had told tne
forbearing Alice about the duplicate cos
tune. and even offered not to wear IT IN
washington. should the latter object. Aro
although every woman wants her gowns gowns
to be exclusive Gust as all reporters te
want their items 10 BEL Miss Roosevelt
told Miss Ward to go ahead and rejoice
10 the fullest IN the costume
verify. the whole incident is pretty, ana
strangely, strangely unusual. We don't
think there are many Of the mysterious
sex who could have stood the test as
Alice Roosevelt did. And the gown 5i nau
been designed exclusively for her, too:
The thing is marvellous Worse, stu,
they say that five other girls have since
commenced wearing the same exclusive tg
creation