The news & observer. [volume] (Raleigh, N.C.) 1894-current, 1903-11-08
A WESTERN MARBLE
Corn Cracker Points the Way
to Wealth.
And Hands Out With Genial Smile Some Go IN
raels Of Pallosr ply fur the
People.

To the Editor: AS I am continually be-
sieged with letters in every mail wanting
the royal road to opulence. this is to in
form waiting and suffering public that
Lam debating a book at my odd times en-
titled Every Man His Own Capitalist"
Ny servant and factotum is editor of a
country paper and chronic candidate for
office. When 1 was "a renter and poor
devil, he held himself above me- and de-
voted his commanding talents to glorify
ing bald-headed bankrupts, old gray-faced
hypocrites and other hil&Billies. who
strolled into his den To get their names
into the paper.
Now am Colonel" Professor" doc
tor and patron saint generally and he
dances attendance in long haired ma jesty.
Like Absalom, his beauty is in his hair,
and he wants my opinion to turning
out Il set of Dowie whiskers. When not
writing at my dictation he gets off such
literary gems as the following
Col Berry Lemons, a rising and sub
stantial farmer and unterrified Democrat,
came into our sanctum one day this week.
He was clothed in the divine right of suf
frage and a last years straw hat. He
made forty bushels of corn, six bushels OF
wheat and sheet full of seed cotton this
year, and has just killed and eat the steer
he plowed.
Mai. Rufus Crowder made flying
visit from Cherryville one day this week.
He missed the train but came in afoot in
good order, or, as he says, by land. He
says he can come cheaper that way, and
can take in the scenery. The scenery Is
very enchanting between here and Cher
ryville, consisting of three mud holes. q
fishing pond five gullies and a scare crow.
The Major has cut stove wood all over
Cherryville and has been known to earn
twenty-five cents in day
Captain Alex Ranger and his dehr-
iously charming sister, Miss Becky. are
visiting friends this week at Polkville.
Besides being a postmaster in State craft
he stands next to Squire Bill Hull, of
Caesar. as a WIT.
ION their return they will enjoy the
hospitality of Capt. Hill Blanton.'
It is evident that he knows how to fill
n long felt want and fill it to overlooking
He shrieks it out in clarion tones that
Cleveland county is modern Eden that
illiteracy has gone like the baseless fabric
of a vision that, virtually, the statisti
clans and educators are mistaken
I heard a lot OF preachers try to get
man to superintend Sunday school
for next year, and he declared he couldn't
read. That was III this county. But OF
course the man lied. for of all the people
living or dead, man himself knows the
least whether or not he can read. Admit
ting he can't read, that is sign he
can't write we'll. for thousands OF men
are great writers who can't read and
don't even know their letters.
In telling people how to get rich, I'll
say, IN the first place, to be very econom
cal with the truth. If free school money
has been squandered for globes, charts,
ETC., and you have too many school houses
for territory and population, just lie like
the d. and stick to it. If the Board OF
Education meets every two weeks at s12
meeting and the unreasonable taxpay-
ers puts in his mouth, why just reiterate
the deathless sentiment of that patriotic
capitalist, "the public be d." and let the
good work go on
Then it is a bad plan to use arguments,
just raise sheol and boast like
Scion Single mat II fit into the Revolu-
ton. likewise my grandfather driv
baggage wagin." For a funnel-mouthed
son of Green-Irin to say he was kin to
Robert Emmett, and that Andrew Jack
son, Phil Sheridan, Patrick Henry and
Father Ryan were all Irish, would pass
as collateral in any bank and cause their
vaults to respond to every call for hoard
ed gold. If l were to say that Brazil or
Guatemala has more mahogany than
North Carolina, and that Texas raises
more cotton or cattle, no matter how well
/ was fortified by Satisfactorily If |
were a common poor man it could be con-
tradicted, but being a capitalist l can
maintain that mahogany and rosewood
grow here in the open air, that my woods
swarm with monkeys and boa constructors,
and my creeks TEEN with crocodiles.
When l tell my servant that such is the
case he publishes the same as a fact, like
the courtiers who swore the king had OF
gaudy vestmentsA till a little child made
the discovery that the royal parsonage
was nude as a belle in the Cannlbdi
Islands.
Then my plan about running Sunday
schools is worthy of notice and imitation.
If a poor man comes In, no matter how
intelligent, mark him in the minutes as
Il stranger and see that he remains stran-
ger. If he Is a little better off, put him
in the report as visitor. If he is the
son of some man who busted and defraud-
ed his creditors and is still stealing, why.
mark him member and get him to make
speech. If he looks sanctimonious
but lies. overreaches, back-bites his
neighbors but drinks on the sly make
him superintendent The world of man
kind that lieth in wickedness has no dis
cernment and will never notice an in
eongruity. Another way to lead people in
to the beauty of holiness is to turn every
poor man out of the church who knocks
f-I1 @l,o@ H. n l,,yf
pie to every internal scoundrel with hooks
of steel who cloaks his rascalty.
An this advice is of course intended for
people out of Cleveland county. This
county, as my servant saith in his chron-
icles, has no ignorant people in it. no
hypocrltes III 1T, and everybody reVels IN
the o0or of sanctity The fail stands