Newport daily independent., 1903-03-30
UPRISING OF THE BALD MAN
Aroused by Scoffers, He Discourses
 Warmly Upon the Superiority | of His Kind.

"I'm getting sick and tired of these bald jests at my expense" announced Billikins, as he settled himself back in his chair near the window.
 As he spoke the lights were refiect- ed brightly on his shiny pate. The Examinations seemed more brilliant because of his presence, relates the New York Sun.
 II cant enter this club but that smiling idiot, Smithby, comes up and says:
 "I say, old man, you know what Nthe bible says about every hair in your head being numbered? Then yours must all be back numbers. Ha, ha, hal
 "As soon as I come to after Smith bys brain-throb 1 go to the wash room, where, like as not, l find Jonesly. He's pretty sure to come up with some worm-eaten bon about my combing my hair with a towel.
 ..On my way upstairs l most al- ways meet Snodgrass. Snodgrass has an ingrown smile, which he uses on the good things that he keeps to himself.
 "sAh. Billikins,' says Snodgrass. I thought you were coming this way You look so much alike that l can never tell which way you're going until I see your features
 "You'ye all heard that juvenile bit of pleasantly about the little boy who wanted his hair cut like grand pa's-with a round hole in the mid dle. That always brings me visions of Timpson. He relieves himself of It daily in the billiard room.
 jackson isn't so bad. He usually puts some little mental pearl of this sort on the market:
 "'Never mind what they tell you, Billikins; just you bear in mind that most great men are born bald Jack son has more sense than he knows of.
 sAs I said, though, I'm sick and tired of it all, and now that I've got you all here, I'm going to state my position clearly.
 I'm bald, and I'm glad of it. It's sign of intellect and distinction to be bald. Think of all the panhan- dlers, sandbaggers and cutthroats that you know of. Is there bald head among 'em? Most certainly not.
 Ion the other hand, consider the ktatesmen, lawyers, doctors and men o3 learning you've seen. Every other ole on 'em's shiny top.
 t'Look at the hairy men of ancient x..loo uNbaxv oll ,,apt xvrpn0 i'm cOInp wax or other. Esau sold his birth --rig61 for a mess of pottage, and De lilah tangled samson all up in his s But ''' to come dowS to modern times. When buy a se;N in the the ater do I get lost behind Y hedge of pompadours and balcony pillars in row Q?
 Not I. MT. Ticket Seller gives one glance at my naked thought dome, sees that I'm eligible for the bald headed row and knows l won't be satisfied with anything else.
 "Then again, 1 never have any trouble about my hair falling out And from what 1 can see, the falling out of the hair causes most men more worry than fallings-out with their families.
 ''When l go to get shaved the bar Der can't talk me into having sham poo when 1 don't want it. And ever if the inclination were miue, which thank heavens, it isn't, I couldn'- possibly go round with my head GOV cred with hair oil and smelling like a musk factory"
 As the bald-headcd man paused ; moment to mop the precipitation tha --Ihhad~>begun to appear in the opel space &hove his forehead his listen CTS started to hum softly:
 An dere was no wool on de top of his head On de place whar de wool ought to be.
 ETT0TIETTE nLT DInTNC