The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1903-08-23
P2[POSTEROUS AMERICANS
AS SEEN BY A BRITISHER
Uncle Sam is Raw, Gawky Youth Who Ought
Not to Wear Whiskers-The Rushing
Yankee Observed.

nuded of plumes to decorate every
! tile a giant could sit on the epau-
/ lets. and the sword is huge affair.
/ covered with decorations and tinsels
/ and ornaments. When a member OF
/ the governors staff walks down Fifth
4 Avenue he looks like a sort of con-
! densed rainbow. In order 20 give an
| opportunity for the preposterous Am
! erican to exhibit himself in his ride
/ ulous clothes, al sorts of remarkable
| professions are arranged. For in
| stance, there is the strange Labor Day
parade. Once year all the bands in
America participate in a procession.
Sandwiched in between them are per-
haps twenty thousand carpenters,
with blue sashes round their waists.
| and wearing cooked hats and crimson
spats. Then viii follow five hundred
chimney-sweeps. each of them wrap
ped in the American flag. and beating
drum. After them come, say. three
thousand plaStererS, each in blue silk
tights, blowing a trombone Then there
will be battalion of carpenters, a
brigade of coal-heavers, and so on.
There is nothing about a Labor Day
parade to suggest or connect il in
any way with the dignity of labor.
Each man DISCUSSES his calling as
much as he knows how in a purple
and gold masquerade. He is pretend
ing to be proud of his employment but
what he is really Boosting about are
his silly Clothes"
A whole chapter is devoted to The
Great American Liar" Mr. "Ponson-
by" says the American always speaks
in hyperbole:
Everything he says borrows the
tint of the rainbow. He talks of mill
lions of tons of gold; everything is
huge. colossal. magnificent. II an
American eats a ham sandwich, when
talking about it ne announces that he
has Toasted like Lucullus, that he has
gorged himself with food, that he is
in danger of dying of apoplexy, that
he has eaten hundred dollars worth
of nourishment If he drinks glass
of water, he goes out and tells every
one that he has just quaffed a glass
of nectar or beaker of champagne.
This, not to magnify the ham
sandwich or the glass of water but TO
glorify himself, to show what n 81 lem
did fellow he is, how rich and pros
porous and powerful and colossal he
is. American millionaires, when they
have died and have been assessed by
the probate court, generally yield about
ten cents on the dollar. The American
thousand is about three hundred. The
American mile is almost eight hundred
yards. American newspaper circulq-
ton is thirty per cent of the figures
announced by the publisher. If you
count n thirty-story American sky
scraping building, you will be lucky If
you can find twenty-six stories. Every
one is lying. Americans lie i'm the pull
pit, in court, in Congress, and in their
sleep. If an American tells YOU chat
he sits up all night it means
that he did not go to bed I'M
til 1 a. m. If he says that he
has just made $1,000, he means that he
has made $50. If he announces that the
theatre was so absolutely crowded that
the audience were hanging on to the
balcony by their eyelids. he wishes you
TO understand that the house was
about half full If he says that his
wife's frock cost $500, and that she
bought it in Paris, he is trying to ex-
plain to you that she has never been
to P ris in her life and that the frock
cost $40 at Broadway dry-goods store.
and that not of the first class either.
In complaining that the Americans
would spoil the whole of London If
they got a chance" Mr.. "Ponsonby''
says:
Fortunately, it is too big for item
but they have managed to ruin a sec
ton of the worlds capital. The Amer
lean who comes to London soon cor
rupts and spoils hotel-keepers and
by his ways. One of the
largest hotels has become so Amer
icanized, so uncouth and impossible,
their hands in horror at the thought of
it. AS soon as an American arrives in
an English hotel he begins calling the
waiter, Hello, Billy" or "Ah. there,
Shaping him on the back.
digging him in the ribs. and otherwise
his inferiority to the afore-
said waiter. After dealing with a few
Americans and their familiarity. 1t is
impossible to do anything with wait
er unless one digs him in the ribs and
calls him Hello, Billy" or "Ah. there.
and slaps him on the back.
and takes him to the theatre.
In conclusion. we quote the following
on the 'frugality'' of Amer
lean travellers: ITO give tip of any
sort wrenches his feelings. But he often
gives large tips in Europe. apparently
because he is afraid of walters. not
having the moral courage TO refuse
them. He is always ignorant Of the a
mount necessary to distribute. To the
person who should get shilling tip
he gives a half-penny, and to the meu
who should get a two-penny tiD ne
donates two shillings. Tie consequence
is that he is always in some sort OF
hot water, and gets the reputation OF
being a mean and miserly creature
without any of the financial advantages
usually attached to such a reputation"
-~%-
WANTED EVERYTHING.