The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1903-11-05

SIlLL w AIER, NJ
of animated clay with its $4,000 horse
power lung capacity is proclaiming it's
troubles and grievances day and night,
in language that resembles an admix-
ture of Pigeon English and the hideous
outcries of hopelessly enamored
thomas -presumptuousIy consider
ing itself of enough Importance to be-
lieve that people should stop and listen
to its continuous bowling. You are a
man who made his mark in the wol Id; {;
but if present indications count for
anything, this little ape-faced contor-
ZIONIST, this self-infiating rubber-lunged
perpetual! ejector of hot air will never
be able to make anything but faces
and noise. 1t is preposterous to sup
pose that you, the possessor of a noble
and intellectual cast of countenance,
should at any time of your existence,
however remote, have resembled the
little wriggler, which, according to a
foolish notion entert aimed by Mrs.
Sorehead, is the most perfect piece of
infantile humanity that ever the stork
dropped down the chimney! Confound
the stork! Why don't he mind his own
business, and stick to catching frogs?
If ever that particular stork who per-
petrated this expensive joke on you
falls into your hands, ne will hear and
feel something that will astonish him!
Sorehead, old man, it's time you were
making an estimate of the cost of this
new honor that has been thrust upon
you. Let's see: His kidlets is month
old, and has had on all average 36 diff
ferent nurses attending him every "a
hours. Whenever Sorehead, Jr., takes
strenuous lung exercise Mrs. Sorehead
fires the old nurse, and hires new one.
There is constant procession of nurs-
es to and from our house. The street
railway company whose cars run by
our house is coming money these days.
Every nurse, tho she only serves in her
capacity as noise queller for ten or fif-
teen minutes, claims full days wages,
and gets it, too. One girl is making
quite fortune out of Sorehead, Jr. She
lives near by, and every time she is dis
charged she trips home and makes a
slight change in her dress and general
appearance, and then trips back again
to be re-engaged. believe she pinches
the kid to make him cry real loud. She
is girl with the business sense strong
ly developed; she is next to the fact
that it pays at times to be mean. Well,
SO nurses day means 36 cartwheels
out of your exchequer, old man. $36x3O
is $1,OSO.
Then there is an average attendance
of ~ NJ. DIS per day, whose business
it is to pronounce the little angel to be
sound in every respect at $40 per pro-
nunciamento. That's $75 per day, or
$2,25O per month. Other items, as cast
ing of horoscope. examination of skull
by Prof. Bumplets, the celebrated
phrenologist, consultations with clair
voyants and trance mediums, supplies
of rattles, dolls, and other parapher-
MALTA that babies are supposed to dote
on, ETC., amounting in all to about 800
per day, or $4,000 per month. Then al
lowing from $500 to 800 per month
for the real necessities of millionaire's
son, you will lind by the simple trick of
addition that your first experience as
preventer of race suicide has cost you
$1,000 a month, and will cost you $84,-
600 year, or 81, ,764 900 by the time the
law and public opinion will proclaim
your offspring to be of age, and thus
give you an excuse to kick him out of
doors to hustle for his own living.
And this is only the first-there's no
telling what a woman will do to be
avenged on husband who won't stand
for $500 bonnets suppose she repeats
the trick possibility of twins, tool-or
triplets!!-can't tell what mischief a
woman will hatch-O Atropos cut my
thread of life! Come Deathl-Come
Destruction-do your worst! Why
should I fear? Ruin! Bankruptcy
Starvationl
Well, there is only one way out of
this. Sorehead, old man, if you have q
grain of sense left you will at once
engage the services of professional
kidnapper, and bribe him to kidnap the
kid and its doting mother. and then
threaten him with the penitentiary If
] he doesn't keep them kidnapped. Yes,