Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-03-26
APPEALS OF PENSION SEEKERS.
Some Original and Funny Pleas of
Veterans.

The average tale that is told in
the official papers that drift into the
government archives at WASHINGTON
by the thousands daily is what has
come to be known as a human in
terest story" There are dreary
wastes of platitudes and heaviness,
wearing some monotony and hard
luck stories" galore. But amid all
these, relieving the tedium of the
rest, are bright bits of unconscious
humor, sharp sallies of wit and ex-
pressions strikingly original and
funny. Strarge as it may seem, the
great bulk of the queer" among the
official mails reaches the pension
bureau, that great natural Mecca of
the stories Of pathOs and suffering.
The veterans have a way of writing
eplgrammatic letters on occasion.
and of drifting into the late President
Lincoln's habit of Illustrating points
with anecdotes culled from personal
experience. The following from a
man who is something of a fatalist in
his way will show a peculiar vein of
nOuSh and eXpreSSiOn:-
i Alwase Been a Publican Party.
Il Alwase Saciated with it.
Il Been turned Down bi it.
Il Reed my Bible.
Il find from it hel is doomed.
Il am also doomed.
i Spoas i must go to the Boanard.
Il Must Cloas."
Down in Smokey Valley, KY, lives
a veteran who evidently regards the
receipt Of an official letter from
Washington as a mark of distinction
and Importance. Presumably, he
wanted to show the answer to his
neighbors as an earnest of his close
relation to the powers that be in
Washington, for this is what he wrote
to the commissioner of pensions, ad
literatim and in toto:
Dear Ser: | haven't got nothin
espechel to write about hut just thote
[ would congratulate you on the
e~ffercacy of your work in general
and your standing as a high and
onerbel gent in particlar. | would
like to have the Oner of your repli in
ten days written IN a typewriter, &C.
1t is not to be supposed, OF course,
that a pensiOner Or his witnesses are
masters of medical ~phraseology.
Sometimes, however, the veteran
wanders from the path of g]eneralities
followed by most lay minds and gets
the vernacular of the medical frater-
nifty mixed to a rather ridiculous de-
gree. Thus the following was dis
covered in the papers filed by a
claimant who was seeking a pension
under the general laws. PARALYSIS
of right side has gradually extended
causing paralysis of application and
intention" What he really meant
! and what he was pensioned for was
paralysis of the right forearm result
ing from a shell wound.
Many a nan has been taught the
value Of attention to- details, but it is
not everybody who needs the precept.
But not long ago a nan who gives
evidence of close observation and who
does not believe in glittering
g~eneralities, had this to say in IN
affidavit filed in a pension claim to
show the widowed claimants financial
standing.
G says upon oath that claimant
had only two horses and two cows,
and very Young colt, a twO-hOrse
wagon, worth about SIS. Had some
other property when soldier died,
namely two mules, n team OF
horses, one heifer, and one steer.
One mule died, one heifer was killed
by lightning. The remaining mule was
sold to defray funeral expenses and
other debts, one horse was taken sick,
after which was not worthy of atten-
ton since that time and the horse
was given away. The steer was sold
to pay doctors bills, and other debts,
and further affiant states not"
Washington Post.