The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1903-03-11
FROM THE FIRST WARD.

oOutu Maln street from TINS cause.
There is no need for our Council to
neglect DRIP Ostpone the work, for sooner
or later it must be done, and, perhaps,
the sooner the better. South Main
street is washed and great holes torn
in the bed of the street from the same
defect.
I have oftimes noticed that love
seems to collect in the bosom spontane-
ously like toadstools on decayed log,
or like spider webs in the whiskers of
an old hair trunk; but dollars must be
sweat out of kiln dried conditions, and
collected with the fine tooth comb of
frugality, and sailed down in the long
leg of an old wooden sock, aud hid I'M
der the pillow every night before you
say your prayers. But those who reach
out for love, and have pretty clean
hands, stand fair chance to get as
much as any moderate person can make
legitimate use of. But when it comes
to the sacred, almighty, big, round
dollar of our dear old deluded daddies,
it takes the hand of heartess heather
to grasp them as they pass down
through the digestive organs of COM
MERGE. like wad of sour bread disput-
ing every inch of ground while passing
through the elementary canal of an old
dyspeptic deacon who is too stingy to
enjoy good health.
Soon we will be called upon again
to witness another home talent per.
Torrance given for the benefit of the
Hibernia Fire Company. ! myself
once took part in home-talent cantata
called ELISHA Bears" / was one of
the bears that helped to eat forty chill
dren up, rump and stump, for calling
Elisha, "old bald-head.' OF course,
was i'll bear costume and made n
pretty good substitute for she bear,
although / didn't feel like one, for
under my bear skin costume | could
mentally feel my immense balditude,
sometimes actually imagine | was Eli
sha tho bald, instead of bruin the bear.
Josh Pippin played the part of the
other she bear and was supposed to be
the leading animal star, and we were
called the constellation of the great
bear. / suppose this was done to place
us on the neuter gender list, for fear
the audience might penetrate our dis
guise and discover onr homogeneous
sex. Josh made II bold and fearless
she bear, but my natural mOdesty
made me shrink from the shouting
audience and gave me stage fright 80
badly that I forgot the position | was
to occupy during the child killing
tableau and stood too near the foot
lights and the curtain dropped silent
" down behind me and left me on the
still tearing up rag babies and
growing in the real gutteral accent of
A savage bear that was doing the will
Of Elisha's angry-god, and | didn't
notice my prominent position until
J Josh reached out under the curtain and
grabbed my left leg and yanked me
behind the scenes in very undignified
position, and the delighted audience
laughed and shouted just as though it
was really part of the regular show.
At the close of the next scene there
was tableau of "Little Red Riding
Hood going through the woods, sing
ing childlike song, all Ignorant OF
any danger. Josh and | were to rush
out of the wings alta certain cue from
the prompter, and be in the act of
rending "Iittle Red Riding Hood" to
pieces when the curtain fell. When
the prompter gave us our signal, Josh
md rushed out and caught the sing
or in our strong, bearish embrace and
began to make the red hood and cloak
and hair and shrill screams fly around
like household furniture in time of
fire. Now the curtain was to drop
down upon the scene at this critical
but we had home talent work
ing the thing. and he got things in a
snarl and the COMPOUNDED curtain refus-
ed to come down and shut out the hor-
rible scene. We could hear the fellow
at the belligerent curtain swearing in
plain Mount Range vituperation, but
it wouldn't come down to hide Josh
and me and our victim, 80 we had to
do desperate things to keep the show
in motion until the curtain dropped.
SO / grabbed slippered foot of the
victim we were eating and Josh grab
bed the other and pulled. Miss Prlmp
yelled, but the slipper came of, and
Josh and | fell on the broad of our
backs on the stage and rolled around
while the audience yelled and whoop-
ed. Then Josh attacked the poor vic
tim again by the foot and this time a
came off, also false calf pad
about the size of caf's liver, and the
audience screamed. Not to be out
done in acting bear, | grabbed the
stocking Of the Frustrated
girl and fell back with the elongated
wooden thing in my hands, while the
false calf flew over the footlights and
hit the bald-headed schoolmaster "ker-
bif'" on the ear, and the audience
went wild. But still the COMPOUNDED
curtain wouldn't work, and Josh and
/ began to tear off Miss Primp's skirts,
when her mother rushed in upon us
from the left wing and began to batter
both bears over the head with her
umbrella and joined in with the voci-
ferrous screams OF her daughter as we
rushed out the right wing with the
screams Of the audience splitting the
air. 1t was the most successful home
talent cantata ever played in Mount
Range. ABE.
-. 80