The San Francisco call., 1903-12-31


Copyright. 1903. by Joseph B. Bowles
I have performed hundreds Of mar
riage ceremonies, but have only asked
one bride TO promise obedience 20 her
husband. j did this because she in
sisted upon il and I have never asked
her whether she was glad. Probably
not one American woman in 10000
has any intention Of obeying her hus-
band in the sense contemplated in
the marriage service, and so what is
the use of asking her TO promise what
she does not mean 10 perform? 1t al
ways seems TO me like sham.
The real problem Of matrimOny is
not obedience. but difference. There
IS a certain subordination. submission
recognition Of superiority in both
friendship and marriage that is of the
utmost Importance.
The case stands this way:
Either the man and woman have
equally strong wills and good judg-
ment lwhsrh is a very great improb-
ability or the man has the highest
endowment in these qualities: or, per-
chance. the woman.
Vow. the most important question
Tor every young couple is the early
discovery of this superiority and its
constant recognition. The little
home kingdom needs to be ruled
by the noblest mind. The do
mestic state thrives best under
an aristocratic form Of govern
menL But here's the rub" In the
vast majority Of cases II iss the one
VINO has the least sense who has the
most egotism. and the married life
becomes one long struggle on the part
OF the weaker member Of the firm n
assert his OF her personality. our
personality" How we dread IN have
II swallowed Up or even subordinated
Ano lt would be terrible thing to re-
ally lose it in another; 10 have ones
VIII and Judgment so completely alb
sorbed I'm that OF a husband or wife
as really 10 become a nobody,
This tragedy often happens in the
married life. You have seen women
VINO were nothing in the world but
little echoes Of some big. clustering
domineering man. You have seen
slN-foOt men who were waggad like
a tail by little. aggressive. capable and
determined women. II is ALWAYS q
piliul and generally contemDrible
sight Losing ones Individuality in
THIS way is like being sucked down
INTO quicksand. II would have been
lgnoDle ln SOlOmOn's weakest wife IN
nave thus surrendered her personality
even 10 The wisest Of men.
And il is the instructive fear Of tbis
lgnoble surrender that often lies at the
bottom cf lifelong matrimonial unban-
PlAess. A man or woman makes the
SLOW painful discovery Of his or her
lnier1ority and it is humiliating beyond
words It is something to be covered
up 10 be denied: 10 be resented. In
tnes blind struggle against the inevit-
able self-assertion is the last resort
What this inferior mind lacks in great
ness it must make UP for by obstinacv
and aggressiveness. Day after dav and
year after year il struggles for s1I-
premacy by this fatal method alwa vs
developing its egotism at the expense
of its judgment: always sacrificing i+s
best interests 10 avert its Threatened
loss Of individuality.
This IS a very subtle but very COM
mon and very terrible evil in married
life. Few people have the meta
physical acumen 10 understand their
own motives or the operation Of tbeir
minds. II is a blind. instructive and
desperate struggle for existence-tb
existence Of the personality, The fear
of being mentally absorbed is like the
fear Of being bodily devoured. And
there is a genuine basis for the appre-
hensi0n. for il is a characteristic of
all superior minds. or most Of them.
70 swallow up inferior ones. Power de-
scends into tyranny as rivers descend
into the sea. There is a deep and fer
rible Joy in dominating minds that are
beneath Us. II is this delight that turns
men into brutes and women into vipers
But II it is real danger (and a dan
ger to be avoided) that the very per-
sonality Of the weaker partner in the
greatest business combination Of ali
time should be swallowed I'D and ex
tinguished. ii is a still greater one that
ii Should become a self-asserfive and
savage egOtist And the simple truth
of the matter is that home after home
has been wrecked because some vain
and stupid man or woman was not Will
ing TO acknowledge the superiority of
nobler mind. Stop for a moment and
think of the homes you have seen shin
wrecked on this rock. Stop and INQUIRE
whether IL may not be the peril Of your
own.
But why should IL be so terrible ia
acknowledge that your husband is no
bier and larger than yourself? BE
thankful If il is So Try 10 climb up
on his broad shoulders and see the
world through his eyes. What an on
portunity. 10 be in such close contact
with an intelligence and d character
so much greater than your own! If
you are modest and simple and true
20 yourself. he viii not crush you; he
win elevate you. He viii not bully you:
he viii enlighten you. Bend your proud
little neck TO the yoke OF his judgment.
Be less assertive and aggressive. Sit
at his feet and learn. If il become
necessary-obey. Sometimes his mind
has 50 much wider sweep than yours
that ii VIII be far better for you TO be
ike q child than a wife.
And there are women whose judg-