davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
The Mayor Wanted to Know.

In a provincial town man who was
injured in serious case of assault was
driven to the hospital on brewers dray
and the shaking he received in transit
considerably retarded his recovery
why wasn't the police station ambu-
lance there to remove him?' demanded
the mayor, who was chairman of the JUS
tees.
1T was in use at the time. sir" an
swered the chief constable, with visible
embarrassment.
1T generally is when most needed, =
sarcaStically commented the mayor. "In
what way were YOU using it on this par
ticular occasion? Don't evade the ques-
ton. sir. ] demand an answer
Very well, sir; as you insist / will tell
you," replied the chief constable. 'It
was carrying back the gold and silver
plate your wife borrowed for the mayorai
banquet"
Then the mayor grew crimson aud
fiercely threatened to clear the court ''if
any more of that Senseless tittering is
heard. "--Pearson's Weekly.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Peggy and the Gas Los.

when winter nights are dark aud cold,
AND grim Jack Frost is free,
Ana whining winds do shrihy scold
Through streets and signing tree
Homeward bound | hurry fast
IN trolley ears foriorn
INTO my fat where care is past
when Peggy pops the corn!
what matter though the blazing logs
Not oak, but gas flames show,
AS Peggy lightly, gayly joys
Inc pepper to and fro?
Crickety- erick, snap. pop-pop-pop.
The kernels burst reborn;
rom yellow to snow-white they hop
When Peggy pops the corn!
Now shako the salt out carefully,
And pour the butter on:
Like snow the fluffy dainties be.
And now like snow they're gone,
Gtt more is ready, Peggy cries;
she makes Plenty's Horn
What blooming cheeks. what shining eyes
when Peggy pops the corn,
ana BACK my memory penSiye goes
10 country nights of old.
VI biting frost and flying snow
And whining winds a-scold
Bnt times are better now, for |
VINO sighed then night and morn
MAY take kiss, not vainly try,
"heh PeGgy pops the corn.
&C. NJ. Williams in New York Sun.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Snow-Flakes.

Have you ever noticed the snow-aakes
how each little piece of white down Is
made I'D of many tiny frost-starsE Prob
ahly YOU have. and probably you have
seen nictures of these stars, and read all
about the manner in which they are made
high up in the sky. But | wonder if yen
have ever thought how nice Il Is that
these spow-stars come 10 us in winter,
and not AZ any other time of the year;
Whenever see the little crystals Of frost.
| cannot help thinking of them as 50
many emblemS of the beautiful star of
Psfhlehem that appeared 10 the wise men
~ tbe cast so many winters ago, TO guide
,hem 10 where the infant Jesus lay. At
Christmas-tide comes the snow. and on
Chrisflnas-tide came the star. SO. when
ever | see the flakes in winter, | cannot
helm saving in my mind, God help me to
make my life as pure as this lovely white
ness, that my faith may gaide re. even
a. Tho star led the wise men on that
glorious Christmas morning. Sunday
Reading.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
CHRISTMAS.

Once again. with gold and myrrh
Haste the pilgrims from afar;
Once again they lowly bend
Where tie Babe and Mother are.
Franklncense and gold and myrrh,
Bring these Kings who saw the star.
In their desert dwelling place
They beheid it's silver CLEAN:
And no more could earthly pomp
Lure them from it's beckoning beam,
Twas the Princes face they saw
Day ana night in heaven-born dream.
So they iOurneyed swiftly on,
Loitered not nor once looked back:
So. DER mount and vale they sped,
Ger the deserts dreary track,
Till they found the Child of Heaven,
Gave their best and felt no lack.
Virgin Mother. Child Divine,
Motherhood Is ever blest.
Since the God of Heaven His shrine
Found within a mothers breast
Since the Maid of Judah held
Close her Babe, as bird in nest.
So. though we have Jared apace
Over tedious desert roads,
So, though leagues of time and space
Separate our earth abodes,
We have seen the SayioF's face,
At the manger dropped our loads.
Margaret +. Sangster In VIII Carleton
Magazine, Every Where.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Spolled His Peroration.

A young minister, recently ordained,
jumbled his ideas bit the other Sunday.
Fresh from the seminary and his study
of church history, his mind was well
charged with the greatness of the insti-
tuition with whose progress he had be-
come affiliated. His sermon was, there
fore. on THE Church" He told of her
achievements, of her heroes and martyrs
and, warming TO the subject, became elo-
Quent. His rather remarkable perora-
ton was sadly spoiled by his closing
sentence. of which the following is the
verbatim:
"Such my friends. is the church
Noble, grand, steadfast. holding that
which is good. stimulating. encouraging,
fostering, teaching. Such is the church.
With one foot firmly established on a
rock. the other pointing to the skies. -
Boston Traveller.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Tribute to His Acting.

Richard Mansfield has, like many 9th.
er men. host of enemies One OF these
enemies paid him sincere compliment
last year.
Mr. Mansfield was playing in Beau
caire,' and the enemy, a stage car
penter, peered at him from the wings
Of Cleveland theater, scornful at first,
but gradually less scornful.
And. as the act went on. the carpenter,
though he hated the actor. became more
and more absorbed. He stood silent and
rigid. He watched every gesture, he
observed every intonation of the star.
And finally. when the curtain fell, he
exclaimed. with flushed cheeks and a
little tremor in his voice:
d him. that man could act a grid
iron!'-New York Tribune.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
WHY He Game.

"Ohicer, why did you bring this man
here Z"
Because he wouldn't come by himself.
your honor"
And what offenSe has he committed:"
He was drunk, your honor"
What makes you think he was
drunk"
He staggered. your honor"
But man who is i'll might stagger"
He staggered in scallops, your honor. ="
That isn't proof enough"
We'll. your honor, he looked hard at
me an then he says. says he 1 can lick
the two of youse: come on says he s.
then | run him in. Cleveland Plain
Dealer
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Nonsense Rhvmine

Famous writers have often amused
themselves by inventing rhymes out of
unusual words. There is familiar
jingle by no less man than Thackeray
which has catching sound and a blood
thirsty spirit:
If | were easswarry
On the plains of Timbuctoo.
would eat missionary,
Hat and gown and hymnbook, too.
A writer in The Commercial Adyer
tlser collects other examples of rhyth-
mlcal gymnastics. Butler in "Hudibras"
was guilty of this:
And pulpit drum ecelesiastick.
Was beat with fist instead OF a stick
Also:
And the philosopher
Read Alexander Ross over.
The writer remembers, also, how
Byron sings of continent and lone ten
ant" of 'bigamy" and ''twig am L." and
that Browning linked ''can know" with
piano"
Henry ]. Childs speaks of "a clever
anaconda who's been reading ID. De-
ronda. and "a frisky hippopotamus
great Jamrach kindly got him us)."
Gilbert writes:
I'm not common mountebank
Eve money in the county bank
In short, nearly all authors with any
sense of humor have either INDUCED in
verbal queernesses or enjoyed them in
their fellows.-Youth's Companion.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
The Sham Sailor.

1t happened at the Mansion house p,-
lice court. y man who claimed to be- =,
sailor, and who said that he had bq.,,
badly injured through an accident nj sen
was charged with begging in the civ
The chief magistrate caught sight Of a
bluejacket in court. and. addressing lin,
said: You might. please. ask this man
some questions to find out if he is sailor
or whether he is an impoStor." The ma
val man stood up, and. looking at thr
prisoner, asked Can you tell me how
many yards of canvas there are On the
mainsheetE' After some consideration
the sham nautical man replied: Il
should think about sixty Yards" 1t ONLY
remained for the real tar TO explain ro
the magistrate that the mainsheet was i
rope. and not sail, for the beggar to be
convicted.-GOlden Penny.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
His christmag aRemembrance.n

On Christmas day postmau was hur
rying along on his round when he was
accosted by lady at the door of a large
house.
Lady-Are- you the regular postman?
Postman-Yes, mum.
Lady-Do You come in the mornings?
Postman-Yes, mum.
Lady-And in the afternoons?
Posrman (eagerlyl-Yes, mum.
Lady-And in the evenings also?
Postman (still more eagerly)-Yes
mum.
Lady-Oh. then it must have been you
who broke our bell.-London King.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
His Wonderful Intuition.

He wandered into a large department
store trying to persuade himself that he
had only come for a glass of soda. He
looked around at the counters and show
cases filed high with tentative Christ
mas gifts and the conviction slowly
forced itself on him that She would have
to be propitiated at the merry Yuletide.
We'll, as long as | am here" he was
heard to murmur, II might as we'll buy
a present for her. Id like TO get her
something she wants-an automobile, q
diamond ring or a book. but something
tells me that she wants a book. New
York Evening Post.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

Recently experiments with view to
preserving the calorific properties of hnrd
coal by immersion in salt water were
made and it was demonstrated that a loss
of but l per cent. occurred. Stored in the
ordinary way coal loses about 30 per cent
of its calori6c power. Rain sodden coal
is said TO cause bunker fires but the effect
OF coal soaked in sea water yet remains to
be seen
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

About 1900 skilled glass cutters in 20
towns in Bohemia have struck. Work is
done by the piece at prices which give the
average wage 10 cents day. The skill
of these famous Bohemian glass cutters
depends upon the fact that they are
trained to it from the age of 6 years
Much of the work is done in homes with
foot-power lathes and one-third Of the
artisans are women.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Mr.. DIS Nataut Head

Pupil-How am l to keep my heal
above water if jump into the tank?
Instructor-Th specific gravity of tba
urally the lightest part of the body 1aars
Don't YOU bother about your head. }Ir
Dumley.-Roston Transcript.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

The Brush storage battery patents, says
The Engineering and Mining Journal,
over which there has been so much litiga-
ton, expired on March 3, 1908. The con-
tents were fundamental in character, and
covered nearly all the useful forms of per-
forated, ribbed, grooved or studded lead
plates, as well as the mechanical applica-
ton Of active material TO them.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
~ THE SPICE OF LIFE. =

At the conclusion of the trial -
lawyer in question was soon surronpda5
by friends eager to congratulate bi,,l
upon ms able defense. Among these
was the judge himself presiding al t5e
trial. Said he TO the counsel: ''e
Mr., Blank, that was an exceIlen+
y think so. too" responded the lawvsr
"Of the. four that were offered me- !.
was easily the best."-New York Trib-
une. l'o-
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
The Secret of Failure.

Lawyer-What was the thing that led
to your financial downfall? You seemed
to be doing a good business.
Bankrupt was: but one day start
ed out to see if | could borrow some
money. | found it 50 easy that | kept
on borrowings Journal.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
To Be Sure.

Mrs. Chugwater Cooking up from her
paper)-.Iosiah, what is an ''insane
bureau?"
Mr.. Chugwater-It's a piece of furni-
ture they keep crazy quilts in. Haven't
you got any reasoning powers ?-Phila-
delphia Press.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

Grover Cleveland is authority for the
story that the most eloquent passage in
Daniel Webster's famous Bunker Hill
address was inspired while he was fishing
for trout in New England stream.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

wilfred-E Everybody is talking about
Christmas Eve now, amt they, ma
Mamma-Yes. my dear; what of i
Wilfred-Where does Christmas Adam
come in?---New York Times.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
His Authority.

what is domestic animal. Robbie?'
asked the teacher.
"A mink. ma'am,~ replied the boy.
well what made you think that 4
That's what ma calls our domestic"
-YonkerS Statesman.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Gone Refnre

Your money or your life" cried The
villain, as he held the revolver in tie
victims face.
You'll have to take my money" an
swered the man. my wife has mort
gage on my life. Detroit Free Press,
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Sorry He Spoke.

Mr.. Scrappy-Do you know found
my hat in the china closet? / suppose
you put il in that ridiculous place.
Mrs. Scrappy-Well, don't say any
thing. John; you are always putting il
on something ridiculous Brooklyn Life,
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
All-Nighters.

Mrs, Handsewn-Wa'al what did you
think of New York. Siras?
Mr.. Handsewn-Think of it? Wa'al f
Midnight son, you've heerd so much
about. I'd say right smack off that it
was that.-Y onkers Herald.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Superiority Recognized.

The o&trjch is very stupid bird, p"
said the naturalist.
HE may be stupid" said the man who
is always complaining, hut he has a
stomach that any man with Thanks
giving dinner ahead of him might envy
Washington Star.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
How He Struck Him

$50 you saw GOtcoin, the great 6nan-
cier, whom you've been anxious TO meet
for so long, did you? How did he strike
you!"
Very unpleasantly. | tried to get out
of the way of his auto. but didn't make
it.'-Cincinnati Times-Star.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

Nat Goodwin, the actor, narrowly es-
capped the honor of being the first one to
jump from Brooklyn bridge with an au-
tomobile, and now the way to fame is
open for some crank who receives a sug-
geston from the incident.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

A Colorado railroad has adopted the
policy Of levying fare in accordance with
physical weight. Should it ever adopt a
mental weight policy, some statesmen
wouldn't care rap for free pass legis-
lation.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

The announcement that the doctors
didn't operate on the German Emperors
throat second time, but simply made
further excison," is a cutting joke.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Best of Four Alibis.

Senator Tillman recently told of a
criminal case N South Carolina in which
he accused was acquitted because of the
proving OF an alibi. set forth in mastery
fashion by the learned counsel.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Peter Won.

A dude. when he landed In Tucson,
A coat had exceedingly sprucson.
Said wild Peter Plankett:
Come. gimme that blanket,
Twill lit me much better than yuCSon'
New Orleans Times Democrat.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

1t is said that the management Of the
Colorado Fuel and Iron Company is en-
deavoring by an investigation Of its books
to find out the cause of n recently discov-
cred shortage of S5,000000 in the corpora
tons funds. Colorado Fuel and Iron has
encountered more than peck of trouble
this wear
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Bioux-Hioux.

A maiden withoux lived up in Sioux
On nioux kind of gum tried TO chiolx;
But of lockjaw she died,
And the coroner cried
When he brought in his verdict, "a sad
suiclde.'
For that gum was big hunk OF glioux.
San Francisco Bulletin.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

W. T, Gannett Of Providence has a
tiny silver eandlestick that isn't for sale.
Edward Everett gave it, many years ago,
to Daniel Webster. 1t stood on the IL
brary table at MarShfeld, holding the
little wax taper for heating the sealing
wax. Webster's grandson and namesake
gave ii to Mr.. Gannett.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

The loyesick Chicago vocalist who at
tempted to commit suicide at Duluth by
swallowing a bottle of ink, evidently
tried to match the black despair with
which he was filled.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

Thirty-four states allow dissection of
the human body. Nineteen have liberal
acts for the providing of material, 10 have
illibeyal ones, and the laws Of IL states
are silent as to the study of anatomy. OK.
cepting in their laws Of malpractice. Thir-
ty-One states forbid the Dissertation Of
graves. In the enlightened states the law
makers have assumed that if the dead has
no friends willing to pay for his burial.
that he has none whose heartstrings
would be torn If he were dissected. So all
unclaimed bodies 60 TO the medical col.
leges.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
From Milwaukee.

A girl from the town OF Milwaukee,
When Waiting was thoroughly gaukee,
But in gossip she'd shine
For that was her line
Her long suit was just taulkeetauibee,
Cincinnati Times-StaT
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

Thirteen was a lucky number for the
bakers dozen of desperadoes who sawed
the Jail bars at Tombstone, Arizona, in
stead of saving wood.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
As 70 Mrs. DUMPING.

Mr.. Newcombe-ThGt little Mrs
Dumping next door seems 20 be a bus!
little body. .,.
Mrs. Neweombe-Huh, put the '1itie
before the busy" and youil be bea5t'
the truGh.-Philadslphi Ledger.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
VIOLINIST WILL TOUR.
Miss Marie Nichols, an American Girl,
Who Has Made Great Impression
on London Audiences.

The principal violin soloist OF the Bos-
ton symphony orchestra, when it tours
the country after New Years, will be an
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

Harper's Weekly publishes the state
ment that at the current rate Of erosion,
Niagara Falls will have ceased to exist
in $500 years from the present time.
Many of the people who failed to take
advantage of the excursion rates during
the Buffalo exposition will be sorry when
they read this
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

Presumably the students of Northwest
ern university, Chicago, who set fire to
Fisk hall in trying to prevent religious
service by throwing sulphur behind ra-
5iator, did not belong to the first class in
chemistry
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
The Woman of 1t.

Oh, Poverty is very strange,
When a merry little elf,
Keeps II still when she grows up
She keeps It to herself.
New Orleans Times Democrat
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

The 100000 airship prize offered by
the management of the Louisiana Pur-
chase Exposition at st. Louis is causing
the imitation of hope and balloon silk.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

branch of the Van der Stumps immi-
grated in'-etc., etc, etc, throughout
the service of game and salad.
The other Liverton twin to DIR. Slow
more, bieathessly:
Did you hear that Tommie j. Kettle.
pots automobile ran away with him in
the park yesterday, when he was taking
out Mrs. Billy Cashcounter ?"
DIR. Slowmore:
My dear lady, are these people friends
of yours ?"
The other Liverton twin, embarrassed:
"I-well-not exactly. But one reads
so much about them"
DIR. Slowmore:
Then allow me to advise you that, as
far as / am concerned all the automo-
biles of all the Kettlepots might run
away and smash all the Cashcounters to
atoms, and I'd consider the world i'm
proved by it,"
Mr.. Witherbee, after a long siege of it
from his sister law, Mrs. James With
erbee, which he bears heroically:
Hum! Yes. Just so. | see kitty's
getting ready to leave the table"
Mrs. James Witherbee, sternly, arising:
Then, I'll only wind up by saying
tlI'C w no uouub lOu anu AlttI uiedHG
fairly well by inviting us here tonight,
but it's been failure. q dead failure,
and why? Because we all know our
selves for leftovers, invited in a bunch
from a sense of duty, and no human be-
ing likes to be patronized under the guise
of merry Christmas'-so there!"
An hour later Kitty threw herself
weeping upon her husbands heart
a merry Christmas! | never had such
a doleful one in all my Hfe!" she cried;
then burst into II laugh, in which he
joined
Here's a maxim for your league, Kit
ty. that l found the other day: 1T is
easier to wash the feet OF ten beggars
than TO entertain one poor relation y
New York Mail and Express.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

Mrs. Dowie's joyousness at Cannes
suggests the possibility that she may
some day come back and help Zion out
financially.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

A British tariff ON imports from the
United States would raise the price on
$iI5.000000 worth Of breadstuns and
$l35,0o0,000 worth of meats. This would
necessarily affect wages and a tariff on
Sl00,000,000 worth of cotton is added
cost TO raw material. This cost would
have to be added to her manufactures and
would affect her already unstable SUI
premacy in the worlds markets.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

King Alfonso OF Spain is giving his
subjects lessons in agriculture. He wants
to show TO them that by the application
OF modern methods land which for cen.
turtles has been held TO be barren can be
made to yield profitable crops. For this
purpose he has selected 700 hectares OF
his poorest land and has procured ma
chinery of the latest type. Nearly every
day he drives ont 10 inspect the work. ac-
companed by the minister of the exterior.
Count San Bernardo, who is said 70 be
more Of an agriculturist than a diplomat
list.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26
Chance Acquaintances.

How many wives did you say you
had?' she asked.
Ten. And how many husbands have
you had?'
Seven. May l ask where you are
Salt Lake City And youy'
The Riato" Life.
Wauwatosa news. [volume] (Wauwatosa, Wis.) 1900-1948, 1903-12-26

American girl, Miss Marie Nichols, who
has already made 4 great impression on
London audiences. An equal success IS
predicted for her in the United States.