davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
RIOUS HuMORlSTS
Pleasant Incidents Occurring the
World Over-Sayings that Are Cheer
full to Old or Youug-Funny Selec-
tions that You Will Enjoy.

you seem to be enjoying unusually
good health" said the friend of the
family. "The last time | was here you
were up against a severe attack Of
dyspepsia"
That's right" replied the jovial head
Of the household. 81 bunkoed the un-
dertaker out of a job, all right, all
right"
How did you manage it?" was the
friendly interrogatory.
II got hold of my wife's cookbook
and made a bonfire of It," was the sig
nificAnt reply.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
same Old Diet.

"How many meals do they have al
your boarding house?" asked the bosom
friend.
"One," replied the boarder, sadly.
"What meal Is thatT'
"Oatmeal."
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Natural suppositIon.

Ross" said the old man, II know
you are engaged to that young lady
and call on her every night"
"What of that" asked the youth In
the lngrown hat.
well, er-would you mind giving me
all the cigars that get broken In your
vest pocketp
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
The Conspicuous Medal.

Pianist-You see those small medals!
Well, got those for playing the piano
when | was In Germany.
Chorus-But the large one, Herr
Hair, how did you get that?
Pianist-Oh, that one, the people in
our fiat gave me that for not playing
around home.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Belize Garden.

Now in our little garden plot
Belle digs and plants with JOY; wot
II will not tire me much to hoe
For most seeds don't come up. yoV
know.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
In the Cleaning.

They were sitting all alone on the old
rustic porch.
The young man was very bashful.
Don't you know" he said, finally,
more to break the monotony than any
thing else, "some people are mean
enough to think am a freak"
"Well," replied the pretty girl, with
a yawn, 81 think you are something of
an 'armless wonder myself"
He took the hint.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
preIimIuarr stepa.

Ping-what Is the first thing to do
in learning to run an autOmobllei
Pong-The first thing is to get your
life insured and the second Is to have
an obese bank roll for repairs
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Mnkea Good.

"Isn't Jlmpson young-looklng man
for his age? He's 62, and he doesn't
look day over 40"
"And sometimes. when you hear him
talk, you'd think he wasn't a day
over {"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
A. 1t Should Be.

Husband during the spat)-Oh, well,
a man is supposed to tell few lies
when he is doing a courtship stunt.
Wife-Yes, suppose so; but it's up
to him to reform after he gets mar
ried.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
ehonla Re Encouraaed.

Suppose, said the beautiful girl.
gazing at the distant stars, suppose
this old earth should stop revolving|
: "Not while We are together" he
whispered, slipping his arm around
her.
"And why not?"
Because love makes the world 90
round"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
An Explanation.

Miles-How did De Jones get to be
such a confirmed woman hater?
Giles-Oh, he was foorwalker In
a dry goods store for seven years.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Another View of It.

Shea well-known writer says that
In order to succeed man must be 95
per cent backbone.
He-Oh, don't know. A good many
who have managed to arrive are 95 per
cent cheek.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Not Even a Com parIaon.

La Montt-Yes, heard them dis
charging 16-inch gun the other day.
La Moyne-You did not seem much
disturbed by the rumpus.
La Montt-No, l heard my wife dis
charging the cook before left home.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Retort Courteous.

Husband during the spa0-1
wouldn't be fool If l were you.
Wife (calmly)-My dear, l can read
lily understand that If you were me you
wouldn't be fool.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
In the Woody West.

go in and tell the editor l am out
here with horsewhip," cried the irate
citizen.
Hell be very glad to hear It," re-
piled the Office boy. Hell just take 1t
away from you and sell it. We had an
auction up here last week and sold a
Dozen"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18

People would be more willing to take
their whipping II the fact could be
concealed that they were getting one
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18

You may have a friend who win die
for you, but you have none whe wiz
break in your shoeA
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18

The most perfect echo In the world
is said to be that at shipley, in Sussex.
South England. 1t viii repeat twenty
one syllables.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
HEROIC Boy.

Mamma (returning' from a shopping
expedition down town)-What on earth
has happened, Willie? Has the house
been on fre2
WilIie-Nome Them Bunker boys
dared me to ride the goat around the
parlor and up and down the stairs, and
| won't take a dare from nobody!
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18

Mrs. Al wish my husband would
shave himself
Mrs. Z.-Then you wish him to econ
omize?
Mrs. A.--No, 1t is not economy. You
see when he goes down to the barber
shop he reads all them old jokes in the
comic papers and springs them at
breakfast.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Forgot Nothing.

Fitness Of her part matters little to
the up-to-date actress II the nt OF her
gowns Is perfect.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Ready Wit.

Binks "a coal dealerl-I'm getting
awfully heavy.
links ian lceman)--You don't look 1t.
1 guess you've been weighing yourself
on your own scales.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18

ToO much style is apt to produce that
attired feeling.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
THE GLACIER
Published Every Thursday
$I.6O A YEAR.

Advertising, 80 cents per inch, single
column, per month; one-half inch or
less, 25 cents. Reading notices, 5 cents
a line each insertion.
THE GLACIER prints all the local
news fit to print.
When you see it in THE GLACIER
you may know that others see it.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
TAXING 1t ont ON the Family

Mrs. Ferguson-George. what partic-
ular failing of yours did the preacher
touch on in his sermon this morn
inO9
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18

When two women talk the subject OF
their conversation Is eonspicuouslS
absent.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Generally Does.

Silas-So Zeke came back from col
lege with NJ. d. after his name. What
does that mean?
Cyrus-Medical doctor, Of course.
Silas-H'm! thought maybe 1t
meant MANY Debts"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
Barnyard Repartes.

Little Spring Chicken-How do
look?
Old Rooster-Fit to kill.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18
He Knew.

Mrs. Haytop-Hiram, what is gilt
edged investments
Haytop-Wal, l guess as how It's a
gold brick, Mandy.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1903-06-18

Mr.. Ferguson-What do you ask me
that question for2
Mrs. Ferguson Because you have
been as cross as a bear ever since you
came home from church.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
CHANCES YET FOR
UPSETS IN NATIONAL,

Now that the magnates have heen
reiegated to the background once more
the chances for winnig championships
Is interesting gossip for the fans. Pitts
burg laboring under the strain of play
ers out of shape, is showing signals
OF distress, but will be the real thing
While Wagner remains at his post. The
champions Will no doubt get together
Tor a f1nal squirt and win out.
chicago has surprised the knowing
ones by their good work in the West,
ana must be reckoned for a position,
While New York has hit the slump
sure to come, and will have to hustle
to keep in the first division. The Nc
Graw-Brush aggregation is full of
trouble makers, and even the clever
John McGraw has failed to keep the
bunch In line. It's the old story in
New York since John Ward and Buck
Ewing were in their prime, and will
continue to be so until The club is
made up of players other than con-
tract jumpers. To win championship
at the present time the players must
have absolute respect for the manage
ment and a-singular pride in the cap
tain of the team. This both Boston
and Pittsburg have at the present time,
is what makes them the great fac
tors in their respective leagues.
Cincinnati is making a good fight
to keep in the first division, and should
be able to hold the place. With a
good string of pitchers the team would
make all hustle. Brooklyn seems to
have taken the sulks and Ned Han
Ion is in disgust. He is several thous-
and dollars loser on his venture.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
ENGLAND GETS THE TROPHY.
Visiting Tennis Players Beat Amer
leans with Ease.

Visiting Tennis Players Beat Amer
leans with Ease.
Boston, Aug. s.-The international
tennis trophy presented three years ago
by Dwight F. Davis, of this country
goes to England, through the united eff
fort of r. F. and H. L. DohertY. who
clinched their hold on the trophy by
winning both matches in singles to-
day. and scoring in the entire contest
four out of the total of Ave points.
Each of the contests to-day went a
full five sets. H. L. Doherty, the Brit
ish champion defeating William A.
Larned, the American champion 6-S,
6-S, 60, 2-6. 7-5, while his brother dis
posed of R. D. Wrenn, a former Amer
lean champion by score of Ga, S-6, 6-3
6-S, ga.
Both matches were played on adjoin-
ing courts and the 5000 tennis anthu-
siasts who surrounded the enclosure
probably saw the finest exhibition Of
tennis, in the history of the game.
From the very start the excitement was
intense, and after each match had been
squared at the end of four sets. every
one was fairly on tip-toe until H. L.
Doherty won a long deuce set, his
match, and the necessary three points
to obtain possession of the cup.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
HOW TEAMS ARE FARING
IN THE BIG LEAGUES
MEMPHIS STILL LEADS
SOUTHERN LEAGUE.

With six teams within less than one
hundred points of each other it again
,,aoomes a difficult task to pick the
winner in the Southern League. Mem
mis- lead over the nearest competi-
TOR is the greatest of the first six.
Frank is strengthening his team at
o,erv point and seems to have unlimit-
ID rapital with which to secure play
ers.
The Pirates are gradually moving up
the line and with one or two good ad-
ditions to their pitching staff they will
vet give the leaders a tussle. The Lit
lie Rocks are on the chute again,
and this time they may lose their heads
and go to the bad so far that they
will be unable to recover They still
hold second place. but their margin is
so small that it is nothing to brag of.
Atlanta is hopelessly out of 1t, and
Manager Alb seems to have lost all
hope. Even the enthusiastic sporting
scribes of the Atlanta papers have
dropped into listless style of express
ing their hopes. The western section
of the league has started eastwards,
and so far they have been carrying
all before them. Nashville took two
out Of three from Atlanta on ATTAIN
ta's own grounds.
Montgomery and Birmingham are
fighting it out for place. They play
ed a twelve inning tie yesterday after
noon, and the result of any one game
will either put Montgomery far ahead
or make them tie for sixth place.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
BATTLE FOR FEATHER
WEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP.

An International battle for the
featherweight championship of the
world will be fought within the next
two months. The principals will be
young Corbett." the holder of the
title, and Ben Jordan, England's best
featheweight Corbett received a
cablegram to-day from Jordan's man
ager telling him that Jordan will sail
here from England in ten days to meet
him for the title.
Jordan had hoped that "Corbett"
would go to England and fight him for
a purse offered by the National Sport
ing Club of London. Corbett, however,
declined to fight for the money offered,
so Jordan finally decided that in order
to get on the match he would have to
come here.
There will be no time lost In clinch-
ing a match when the Englishman ar
rives. Matchmakers of boxing clubs in
San Francisco are anxious to secure
this contest.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
THINGS TO BE LOOKED AFTER
IN A RING CONTEST

Everyone recognizes the ability of
a winning boxer, while the man who
makes the matches and advises the
boxer in the ring get no credit for
his work." said Manager AL McMur-
ray of the Savannah Athletic Club.
yesterday in speaking of things in gem
eral.
THAT second can take a green man
and secure decision over clever,
experienced boxer is absurd but in
fight between two men equally match
ed the greater part of the vlctor's sue
cess should be credited to his second.
When a fighter enters the ring for
battle all he has to do is to fight He
has nothing to think Of except to put
out his opponent
"On the other hand, his seconds are
the busiest men at the boxing match
They examine the ring for flaws, bind
their charges hands with soft tape,
get their water bottles. pals of Ice,
smelling salts and all other appliances
known to the expert handler, in order
chat they can reach them handtly
when the fighter comes back to his
corner at the end of the round.
"In championship contests four men
| constitute the crew. One Of them is
| the chief adviser, whose duty it is to
do nothing but advise his man how
to stop his opponents, how to lead for
his head or body, whether or not tC
change his mode of attack and q
thousand and one little things which
might seem unimportant, but which
in reality are the very words that
bring home the money.
There are several managers who
second their own men that use code OF
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
CARNIVAL OF BOXING MATCHES
WILL BE ARRANGED THIS FALL

The Savannah Athletic Club has
made arrangements for a big fall and
winter season. Engagements have
been made with bigh class men and
a series of lively bouts will follow
The winner will be held over here if
possible and will be matched to meet
the best man in his class, and the
line on one man in every bout from
seeing him work.
The classes represented will be the
bantam. feather, light, and weller
weight. Although the club has had
many applications from men in the
heavy weight divisions. Messrs. Nc
Murray and Wilson, have come to the
conclusion that the lighter men give
the public better satisfaction and it
is the policy of the club to put on COS
between lightweight.
Among the men who have written in
for time in the bantam class are:
Johnny Rsgan of Brooklyn who has
been creating a lot of excitement in
the Northwest and who is now match
ed to box Abe Atell in st. Louis, this
month. Regain has met all the first
class men in the bantam class, and
held his own with them. He is a long
reached rangy sort of boxer, and is
one of the cleverest in his class.
George Mouroe of New York is a
clever boy who has to his credit a
twenty-five round draw in Terry Nc
Govern also a battle with Terry in
which he was defeated in the twenty
fourth round, he also has to his credit
draws with men like Callahan, For
bes, and others, and has defeated Aus
tin Rice, Jack Ward, Tommy Sullivan,
Clearance Forbes. He is a first class
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09

boy and one who has at all times
given a first-class account of himself.
Reiky Evens OF Yonkers, who, boxed
Feltz a twenty round draw this spring
is more than anxious to come here to
box Tom again.
George Halliday of New York, JACK
Doyle of Iowa, Jack Lansing, Jimmy
Devine and Tommy Loos of Philadel-
phia, and Savannah's favorite boxer,
who has so ably represented the city
of his adoption in many a heard
fought battle, Tommy FeltZ. A series
of bouts between these men will prac-
tically decide the bantam weight
championship and force the so-called
champion, Harry Forbes, to come out
OF hole and box the winner for
the title, a thing he has been evad-
ing for the past year.
In the feather-weight division, Joe
Bernstein. the Ghetto" champion,
who has met them all from Young Cor
bett down and Is TODAY one of the
biggest favorites in the boxing world.
To give list of the men that Bern
stein has met would take up to much
, space, but will say that he is always
willing to box and his showing speaks
for itself. Eddy Lenny who is we'll
known to Savannah, Jack Hamilton
of Troy, Austin Rice of New London,
Billy Maynard OF new YORK, Billy
Ryan of Syracuse.
The stars of the light and welter
weights are Herman Miller, Tom Cor
coran, Gus Gardner, Billy Fanen,
Bobby Thompson, Jack Sullivan, Mar
tin DUFFY. Martin Judge, Kid Black
and Matty Matthews, the ex-champlon
welter-weight. With all of these men
to choose from there will be lot of
grand contests for the lovers of boxing
and by Sept. 10 the game will be in
full swing. The date of the Miller
| Cochran bout is Aug. IL.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09

signals which is bewildering to the OPP
posite side, as in coming into a clinch
the boxer turns his opponent so as his
back Will be to his seconds and he
then can see his seconds and receive
his signals without his opponent get
ting wise. This, OF course, is a great
advantage but 1t takes a long time for
a boxer and second working together
to thoroughly understand one another.
"One case of signals will be remem-
bered here in the second match be-
tween Jack DAILY and Jack Bennett,
Bennett refused to go into the ring
unless Days seconds were prohibited
from using signals and were kept ten
feet from the ringside. Many ring
followers will also bring to mind the
result of the signals between Feltz and
myself They We're of great benefit to
this youngster at all times, and when
Devine dropped him in Philadelphia,
although thoroughly dazed, he looked
to his corner before attempting to rise
with the referees count going on he
got his signal, rise" at the count of
nine. On arising, still groggy, he got
the signal, Stall He did this until
the end of the round. His seconds
then did their work. The next round,
when Feltz faced Devine, he said:
Well, old boy you thought you had
me, but they (my seconds), have sent
me out to give you HI In this round
Feltz beat Devine off his feet.
"rhe case of fighter does not end
with the finish of a fight. After the
fight he gets a good rub, cool sponge
| off; he is dressed and taken in
a Turkish bath, which takes the stiff
ness and soreness out of his muscles
If you charge loses he should be given
even more care and attention than a
winner. 1t is one of the most dis
heartening features of seconds work
to care for a loser, but a second who
follows pugilism must learn to take the
bitter with the sweet"
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
Travers Stakes.

Saratoga Springs, N. z. Aug. g.
Ten thousand persons witnessed to-
days racing at the Saratoga Associa-
ton Park.
The features were the Travers, a
stake event of $4,000, and the Saratoga
Special. Ada Nay, owned by ]. B.
Haggin won the Travers by six lengths
from William C. Whitney's Reliable.
who was 2h lengths ahead of James r.
Keene's Gimcrack. 1t was something
of procession, Ada Nay leading all
the w3V.
1t was reported that "Pittsburg Phil"
won $40.0 900 on Aristocracy. the 20 to 1
shot, winner of the Special, who was
two lengths ahead of Broomstick. Sum-.
mary:
First Race--Seven furlongs. Hernis,
is to 5. won. with Maj. Daingerfield. 8
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
TW0-TEAM RACE
IN THE AMERI CAN.

In the American League the race
ton and the Athletics of Philadelphia.
The Boston team is putting up the
best article of ball of any team in the
business, and will continue to play
ball unless one Of the infielders meets
with an accident. Then it would be
all off with Collins, for Boston has no
spare infielder. The pitchers are all
working in good form, Cy Young talk
ing things easy for the final squirt in
the cooler weather.
While Boston is going along natur-
ally Connie Mack is driving the Quak-
ers for the limit to keep them from
falling too far behind. Boston has set
out for the bunting this season, but is
not advertising the fact. Capt. Col
Inns has paid no attention to the offer
OF Barney Dreyfus. Should Boston
win Capt Collins viii insist on having
something to say about the conditions
under which the games between Pitts
burg and the Bean Eaters should be
played. AS it would take two ITO make
the deal Dreyfus is a great fellow to
talk about playing for all the gate
money. Pittsburg would have to play
much better ball than they have done
80 AdI tnLS season 10 WIN the series
from Boston. This is the opinion of
those who have seen both teams play.
Charley Sommers must be disap-
pointed in the work of his Cleveland
team. From first place the Clevelands
have gone down the toboggan until it
now looks as if they would not finish
in the first section. Detroit is making
fine showing under the circum-
stances, with a change in the team al
most daily. 1t wouldn't take much
to make Detroit a match for the lead
ers. New York has not the hitters,
Chicago is without the pitchers and
weak in the infield and st. Louis has
too many Indifferent players on the
pay roll. Washington is hopelessly out
of 1t.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
Junior BAN Game Monday.

There will be a game Of baseball on
the diamonds at Thirty-second and
Barnard streets, Monday afternoon at
p. m. between the Dixie Stars and
the Crackerjacks. The lineup as fol-
lows:
Dixie Stars-Edie Star, c.; Eddie
Cannon, p; T. McDermottt, LIST. b.;
]. McDermott. End. b.; B. Welhrs, Srd.
b.; II. Brady, s. s.; c. Sheehan, l. f.;
II. Sheehan, C. f.; j. Carolan, r. (.
.Crackerjacks-J. Davis, c.; w. Eason,
p. and End. b.; F. Donnelly, LIST. b.;
r. Davis. End. b. and p.: N. Brewer,
3rd. b.; b. Sanders, s. s.; c. Dahlgreen,
l. f.; B. Horton, C. f.; N. Donnelly,
3. (.
The Craekerjacks have changed their
lineup some and are determined to
take this game.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
GRAND CIRCUIT CLOSED.

Buffalo, N. Y. Aug s.--The Grand
Circuit meet closed here to-day. There
were no stakes on the card. Summa-
ries:
First Race-2;16 trot. purse $1,000.
Caspian won in two straight heatsa
Miss Fearing second; Fred McClung
third. Best time 2:13 3-5.
Second Race-2:06 pace, purse, ST.
200. Little Souaw won second and
fourth heats and race; Charley Hoyt
third heat, second; Terrace Queen, first
heat, third. Best time 2:07%.
Third Race-2:22 trot, purse, $1,000.
Monroe won in two straight heatsg
Yankee Boy second: Crown Princess
third. Best time 2:15.
Fourth Race-2:16 pace, purse 81, 900.
Ebony King won in two straight
heats; Joe Sibley second; Don COINS
third. Best time PIP
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-08-09
MCBRIDE FIGURES THAT
CORBETT WILL WIN

Mcbride the welnown sporting critic the official referee
when theym He a few
tadion OF
s
of a he
Coes great confidence in himself and confidence in
is
the
nine
his latest matrimonial venture than in the training OF
battle with odds
1.
hut notbe of