The Birmingham age-herald., 1903-02-01

Queen. impersonated by a large, feshy. horid member of the club, sang the cefe- brated aIsabella" song from the extra vaganza of '1492' adapting the lines to fit the names and foibles of the guests about the board.
 Two members of the club, attired in the flmy skirts of the premiere danseuse. with clicking castanets and tambourine. escorted the Queen to the throne in a dramy esmeralda dress. King Ferdinand, impersonated by the most dignified mem Der of the club, in true ancient court language adapted the twentieth century idea, commanded his gracious Queen to ''cease warbling and get up on her perch" The Queen dutifully obeyed. and seated herself on the throne by the side of Ferdinand, which was the signal for the appearance of Christopher Columbus who was preceded by quartet of h. dian youths dancing what was supposed 1 to be an ancient step. but which surpris- ingly resembled the modern calSewalk. i Columbus accounted for his absence of four centuries by declaring that he had waited for the settlement of the coal strike. He had made many curious dis coveries, among others the trusts. In re- sponse to query as to what a trust was he declared 1t to be "a bunch of money entirely surrounded by water" He dis covered an arbitration, which he defined , to be an investigation that kept coal at s2O a ton. Many other curious discoveries were reported by him which led up to 1 the greatest discovery of any age--that of the president of the Grdiron club of the United States. This was an organlza- l ton declared to be the greatest tribunal on earth. which settles all questions and l disputes, national and international, and renders decisions while you wait" Mir. I Curtis was presented as the president of 1 this great tribunal and the discoyerer of l Pan-Amerlca. In recognition of his great work he was decorated with the order of the ''Pan''-a stewpan with the gridlron and club colors, placed on his head as a crown
 The ceremony concluded with the withdrawal of the court -- king, queen, courtiers, monks and President Curtis singing the chorus of "Isabella' as they passed out of the room.
 The union of the lilly whites'' and ''biacl< and tans' was effected by the I initiation into the club of MT. J. K. Ohl of the Atlanta Constitution and MT. J. P. Miller of the Baltimore Sun, the two l eating dinner these gentlemen were set upon by mob of angry southern editors carrying ropes and uttering the widest threats of torture and hanging. The of lending members were dragged to the center of the room and .nere charged with being carpetbaggers who were try ing to direct southern affairs. They were known as J. Clarkson Ohl leader of the
 lilly whites and J. Pritchard Miller, leader of the "black and tans." A sheriff returned the men from the mob after Col. Henry Watterson and MT. Clark Howell, impersonated by leading mem bers of the club, had advocated their death by incendiary speeches. By giving the Gridiron club as the surety they were released on the promise to go linked through life with colored brother. Much to the surprise of Secretary Cor 1 telyou, who was one of the guests, his well-known messenger. Arthur Simmons appeared and to him the baby members | of the club were bound by broad silk, rib, bons of black and white, the club colors. , The president of the club then an- nounced that places had been prepared at the table for the club members but that their companion would have to be cared for on the other side of Lafayette | ing was scene in MT. .Iorgan's office, little exaggerated, perhaps, and for that reason funny enough to be described in detail. There was real telephone, real stock ticker, a malSe-believe type writer, and a huge wheel of fortune, which whirled whenever "the old man" ordered stocks up or down. The telegraph instrument was kept busy wiring instruc- tions to senators in Washington, and the telephone was used to inform cer-' tain prominent gentlemen (who happened, by the way, to be in the room) that they must not neglect ''the old mans inter- ests." The conversation of the crowd in MT. Morgan's office was interesting. Say" said one, T got a bully tip last night" Who gave it to you?" he was asked. "Chauncey Depew." was the reply. Don't play it." warned another mem- Der of the crowd flor If 1t was worth anything Chauncey wouldn't have given it away" Then this dialogue also oe- cured:
 "The thing that worries the old man is what we had better do about a presi- dent"
 President of what? President of the board of aldermen?"
 No; President of the United States D
 'oh, thought 1t was something impor-, tant."
 Well, it is important, if the old man is anxious about it.''
 The scene was ended with the appear ance of a club member impersonating Hetty Green. who was in a state of mind over a cent which she had lost on the Morgan with a rollcking chorus, in which MT. Morgans name was substitut- ed for MT. Dooley." The club also played a travesty on Dr. Wiley and his borax experiments by presenting few original borax tests. The subjects were several eminent gentlemen, including Representa- tive Cannon. Senator Depew. Represen- tatiye Newland, George H. Daniels gen eral passenger agent of the New York Central railroad; Senator Deliver, Sena- tor Fairbanks, Senator Beveridge and Representative Littlefield These gentle-