The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1903-09-13

so breezy and stimulating. And they've
helped me understand the immensely OF the
Landscapes and the ideas out here, the big.
throbbing. rough young life, and under IL
all, as Whitman says, "a meanlng-democ-
racy, American democracy. Really It's
been interesting, the jOlliest time OF my
life. and it's got all unsettled. More
than once in watching some scene typical
of the region, the plain, busy earnest peo-
pie, I've actually thrilled To think that this
was my country-felt that queer little tick
ling Jingle that locates your spine for you.
L m sure there's no ennul here. Some one
said the other day, "Ennui is disease that
comes from living on other peoples mon
ey.'' j said no. that I'd often had as fine an
attack as IL I'd been left billion. that
ennui is when you don't know what 10 do
next and wouldn't do IL IL you did. Wen,
here they always do know what 10 do next,
and as one of them told me. I'VE always
get up early the day before to do it,
Auntie. dear the trip has made me more
restless and dissatisfied than ever. 1t makes
me want 10 do something-to risk some
thing, to want to want something more
than I've ever learned to want.
That's one reason I'm acting badly. The
other will interest you more.
It's no less a reason than the athletic
young Bayard who cheated the cab horses
OF their prey that night Fred didn't drink
all the Scotch whisky I'm New York Our
meeting, and the matters treatment of him
before she discovered who he was, are too
QeHClOuS 10 write. 4 must walt 10 tell you
It's enough TO say now that though heard
his name Ii recalled nothing to me, and
took him from his dress to be working
man In the mine we were visiting, though
from his speech and manner OF gentle
man, some one in authority. Dear, he was
so dear and so Westernly breezy and pro-
9ressive and enterprising and so appalling
ly candid. I've been the ''one woman to
him, 1.-The unknown but remembered IDEAL
since that encounter. OF course that was
TO be said, but strangely enough he meant
II. He was actually and unaffectedly MAX
ing love TO Inc. He's not so large or tall,
but quick and springy. and muscled like a
panther. He's not beautiful, either, but
pleasant to look at. one of those broad.
West, with the funniest quick yellowish
gray eyes, and the most disreputable mus
tache l ever saw, yellow and ragged. If he
clear across. And he's likely TO talk the
most eXecrable slang, or to quote Brown
ing. But he was making real love, and you
know I'm not used to that. I'm accustomed
TO go my pace before sharply calculating
eyes. to show if I'm worth the asking
price. But here was real love being made
of down In the earth owed run away from
the others because L liked him at once.)
don't mind telling you he moved me. partly
because / had wondered about him from
that night and partly because OF all had
come to feel about this new place and the
new people. and because he seemed such a
fine, active specimen OF Western manhood
| won't tell you all the wild. lawiess
thoughts that scurried and sneaked through
my mind-they don't matter now-for all
at once il came out that he was the only
son of that wealthy Bines who died awhile
ago-yOu remember the name was men,
toned that night at your house when they
were discussing the exodus Of Western mil
lionaires TO New York; some one named the
father as one who liked coming to New
York to dissipate occasionally, but who was
grew.
There was the son before me, just an or
binary man of millions, after all-and my
little toy balloon of romance that I'd been
floating so gaily on string OF sentiment
was pricked to nothing I'm an instant.
felt my nOstrils expand with the excite
ment of the chase, and thereafter was my
coldy professional self. II that young man
has not now a high estimate Of my charms
of person and mind, then have my ways
forgot their cunning and l be no longer the
daughter of Margaret Milbrey. nee Vaen
Schoule.
But, Mutterchen now comes the disgrace
full part. I'm afraid Of myself. even in spite
OF our affairs being so bad. Dad has doubt
less told you something must be done very
soon, and l seem 10 be the only one to do it.
And yet L am shying at the gate. This trip
has unsettled me, l tell you, letting me,
among other things. see my old self Before
| always rather liked the idea Of marriage,
that is, after I'd been out a couple of years
not too well. but well enouSh-and now
some way j rebel not from scruples, but
from pure selfishness. I'm beginning to find
that / want to enjoy myself and to find
further, that I'm not indisposed TO take
chances-as they say out here. VIII you
understand. i wonder? And do women who
sell themselves ever find any real pleasure
I'm the bargain? The most eloquent exam
piles, the ones that sell themselves to many
men. lead wretched lives. But does the
woman who sells herself to but one enjoy
life any more? She's surely bad, from
any standpoint of morals, and i imagine
sometimes she is less happy. At any rate
she has less freedom and more obligations
m
phizin8 pretty coldly. Now be Mortified if
you will.
| am selfish by good right. though
Haven't ve spent all surplus in
keeping YOU up for a good marriage?" says
the mater, meaning by good marriage
that L shall bring enough money into the
family to keep up it's traditions L am
in other words, an investment from which
they expect large returns. | told her /
hoped she could trace her selfishness to its
source as clearly as | could mine, and as
serving those i'm an excellent medium
Which was very ugly I'm me, and l cried
afterwards and told her how sorry | was
Are you shocked by my bold calcula tons :?
Well, I'm trying to let you understand me,
and /
.'+ have no time to waste
In patching fis-leaves for the naked truth"
| am cursed not only with consistent
feminine longings and desires. but in spite
of my training and the examples around
me, with Discrimination to be wholly
vicious. Awhile ago marriage meant only
more luxury and less worry about money
/ never gave any thought to the husba nd
certainly never concerned myself with any
notions of duty or obligation toward him.
The girls L know are taught painstak-
ingly how to get a husband, but nothing of
how to be a wife. The husband I'm my case
was to be an Inconvenience. but, doubtless
an amusing one. For all his oppression, IL
there were that, and even for the mere Of
Tense of his existence, i should wreak my
spite merrily on his vulgar dollars
But you are saying that / like the pres
ent eligible. That's the trouble. like him
so well / haven't the heart to marry him.
When / was twenty i could have loved him
devotedly, / believe. Now something seems
can still love-I know it only too well night
and day-but it must be different kind of
man. He is so very young, and reverent
and tender, and, in way, so unsophisti-
Gated. He is so afraid of me, for all his pre-
tense of boldness.
Is il because I must be taken by sheer
force? I'll not be surprised IL il Is. Do we
not in our secret soul of souls nourish this
beatitude: Blessed is the man who de-
stroys all barriers?" Florence Akemit said
as much one day, and Florence, poor soul.
knows something of the matter. Do we not
sit defiantly behind the barriers. insolentIy
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. capital punish
ment for any assault, relaxing not one Sc
verify. yet falling meek and submissive and
glad, to the man who brutally and honestly