Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1903-02-02

Depew, If report may be believed, the first
named congratulating the club not only
upon Its eighteenth birthday. but upon the
fact that he had been present at all Of the
celebrations. The occasion of Senator Cor
mans speech was made notable by reason
Of the fact that els soon to enter upon a
new term In Congress after an official alb
sence Of four years.
An Inauguration:
The ceremony OF inaugurating the new
president of the club into Office was per-
formed with pomp. From the large eastern
doors came a stately procession Of courtly
men, King Ferdinand Of Spain escorted by
heralds. courtiers, monks and other attend
ants. After they had taken their places ON
and around the throne Queen Isabella saun-
tered in with royal grace with two dancing
girls swapping their castinets before her.
After the queen had warbled the song
named Tn her honor and changed to meet
the occasion Columbus was announced as
returning from his discovery tour. His en-
, trance was striking, four diminutive Ameri-
can Indians cavOrting in front of him. He
reported the finding of much land ana
many strange peoples, but when King FER
dinand impatiently asked him what he had
found that was not so firmly fixed that it
could not get out of his way Columbus
proudly told of his finding the Gridiron
Club and its new president, whom ne sum-
moned. Mr.. Curtis was put through a
quiz by the queen, and after his biography
had been read in full by herald Isabella
administered to him the Gridiron oath, ana
the court dispersed.
Borax Food Tests.
This skit gave the evening good start,
and after that burlesques followed rapidly
and with increasing success. One OF the
biggest hits the club has ever accomplished
was satire upon the food adulteration ex-
periments which DR.. Wiley is conducting
at the Department Of Agriculture. After
one Of the club members had Indignantly
denounced the quality of the dinner, and
others had protested against such an impo-
sition on the guests, the chairman of the
entertainment committee was forced re-
luctantly to confess that the dinner had
been made the basis for a great experiment
IN borax In its effect upon the human brain.
Calling for subjects for DR.. Wiley's expert
ments. the following were nominated and
took seats In row before the diners: Rep
ma. Fairbanks and Beverage, Senator-elect
stone and Representative Littlefield. bo-
raxisoope, manipulated by TIA, doctors
assistants, was applied to the head of the
next Speaker, and his mind was found to be
occupied with committee craftsmanship pos
slb1lities, such as Babcock for ways and
means, Gaines for appropriations and Cush-
man for rules The instrument disclosed
that there was nothing in Senator Depews
brain, so the method of operation was
changed and an X-ray machine was APP
piled, throwing pictures upon a screen from
me oraln OF the subject 1t took two appli-.
cations TO bring out clearly the outlines of
the White House from Senator Hannas
brain The reflection from Senator Fair
BANKS mind was his junior colleague,
Wnlle. strangely enough, that from Mr..
BeVerldge was Mr.. Fairbanks. Senator
eject stones head appeared in the X-rays
DIS showing a great protuberance with a
deep chasm in the middle
hat is that depression ?" asked DR..
answer. was 'Ae
Representative Littlefield's brain picture
was a marvellous .assemblaee of Wheels
some of which turned swiftly as the subject
departed from the PLATFORM
great noise was heard at the doors
ana IN rushed four men with empty coal
buckets, on which they were heating with
shovels. Following them moved an enor-
NOUS lump OF anthracite, which kept jig time
to the rhythm of their@song, of which the
following verse caused deep emotion:
John Mitchell played the drum:
a an.i t th Dads played the same old game
ana .he price was twelve per ton Der ton
ana the price was twelve per ton.
Initiation Ceremonies.
Two new members were initiated. ], p
Miller of the Baltimore Sun and ]. X. Oil
OF the Atlanta Constitution. Their entrance
into the club membership was startling. A
mop OF muffied men rushed on with yells,
bearing two ropes, seized the victims and
dragged them to the center of the room
Wnere preparations were made to execute
them in the name of the mob for being car
petpasgers. Just in time the sheriff ar
rived and delayed the lynching long enough
to induce the leader of the mob to partake
or his private stock of refreshments, which
caused a turning in the tide Of popular
prejudice from the prisoners against the
sheriff, who, in turn, was forced to flee for
his life, leaving the prisoners bound arm 20
arm to bulky representative Of the negro
race we'll known in his own person among
frequenters of the White House. Thus ar
ranged the two new Grdironers were ad
dressed by the president, who warned them
OF their obligations and dismissed them to
their seats. with the remark that their
friend would be entertained at the White
House.
Roasting" Capitalists.
The concluding skit on Mr.. Morgan was
distinctly the hit of the evening, the lines
all reaching home, and awakening hearty
applause. The rear Of the room was quickly
fitted up as a stock brokers' office, and the
manager dictated telegram from 1.-The old
man. to Senator Aldrich: What are thew
going to do about the trusts? Don't let
them do it," This was dispatched by
messenger and then the business of
the day began, with the ticker sup
plemented by a great spinning Jenny on
the walls. which was turned frequently to
give the stocks whirl The brokers Sit
ting around exchanged remarks on the sit
uation which convulsed Mr.. Morgan, with
all others present. Senator Elkins was
called up by long distance and asked why
sugar was going up. His reply was that
Senator Quay had gone off and bought
without orders. When stocks went down
later the office typewriter girl looked into
an inner room and found the explanation in
the fact that 1.-The old man. was asleep.
Then the wheel was turned again The
conversation Of the crowd in Mr. Morgan's
Office was interesting.
Say" said one, Il got bully tip last
night"
who gave it to your?
"Chauncey Depew."
Don't play it," warned another member,
"for If it was worth anything Chauncey
wouldn't have given 1t away"
Then this dialogue occurred:
1.-The thing that worries the old man is
what we had better do about a president
of the board Of aldermen"
NO President of the United States"
"Oh, I thought it was something impor-
tant."
well. It is important. if the old man Is
anxious about it.
After stocks had gone up to a prodigious
height one of the customers advanced to
the front and entertained the audience with
a song to the air Of Mr.. Dooley." This is