davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1903-03-23

The Tabitha was a wooden bark Of 924 tons net
She built in Rothesay n. B., in 1873 and bore
the name Lady Dufferin until she WAS sold to Nor
Wegian owners. The vessels hai:ing port was
FredFikstad, where she was eWned by Aas & Cap
pelen.
New-York tribune., 1903-03-23

TO CURE COLD IN ONE DAY
Take Laxative Bromo-Q QuInne Tablets. This sigma
lure RH2 a Gn every box 35c
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19
FULL OF C0MM0N-SENSE. BUT COY ABOUT HER AGE

gutter facing my house can be found sew
eral more fedgeings for whom the Com
mander-in-Chi plays the part of mother.
and whose rnultifarous shoe bills mate
rally help to diminish my income.
so thus 1t Will be seen that we have
something to show for our matrimonial
experience, and that many a year has
crept by since the Queen Bee. in the pres
encc of Baptist parson. swore that she
would love. honor and obey me. though 1.
mense mental reservation in regard to
that word ''obey." In sooth verify
believe she now thinks II was | who
pledged myself to obedience.
The perspiring public who deign to cast
say: Why all this palaver about the we'd
ding anniversary of an unknown insignif-
icant. who has not even distinguished
himself by calling street car conductor
"scab," or getting arrested for placing
torpedoes in the path of the trolleys.
which seek to. point But there Is a
moral in this article. In the first place
1t upholds the Rooseveltian theory about
multiplying The President. you know,
thinks folks ought to be like rabbits-that
they cut no figure unless they have all
kinds Of children, Then, too, my we'd
ding anniversary brings to my mind, with
OF comfort and JOY. 1t tells me that one
can be happy though married, and that
the comfortable old-shoe sort of exist.
cncc engendered by having wife more
or less superannuated and more or less
bossy, Is by no means the most disagree
Is not the only Commanderin-C Chief:
There are others. The woods are full
OF 'enl. The same old Laurence Sterne
whom I have quoted above, says that
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

able to approximate the age of the Com
mander-in-C Chief. But one can't always
tell by that. Twins sometimes happen.
Many prudent man who has bought
single baby-carriage has found at the
last moment that 1t wouldn't answer the
purpose. Therefore. 1t won't do to try
guessing at the Queen Bees age Gers
tainly, I'm too smart to hint at such a
thing, even supposlng that dare to spec
ulate about It. When the delicate ques-
ton Is approached In conversation. 1
always see a warning, steely glitter In
the eye of the person who buys my
clothes and taking my cue from that
warning I sententously remark: One Ia
as old as he looks--or rather as old as
she looks" Mind. YOU l don't intimate
how old the Communicating Chief actuhl-
ly does look but the good, guileless wo-
man CONSTITUTES my remark to mean that
frying szer. And when a woman mis-
CONSTITUTES something you've said to her
and accepts II as a compliment don't cor
rect her. Such an act would Justify
commission Of lunacy.
AS the day for our wedding anniversary
approaches. thrill OF something inde-
scrlbably delicious creeps DER me and for
the nonce find myself forgetting wrinkles
and crows feet, and babies and ice-bills
and artificial feet. Hallowed memories
come gallopng back from the past. The
subtle aroma Of lavender and honey
suckle supersede the smell OF the moth
balls, in which the Commander-in-C Chief
has been slowing away my winter clothes.
boots I wore on that blood-curding day,
and once more my baggy, ante-bellum
trousers flap around my trembling shins.
Sweetest of all, there floats before mo
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19
WHY OUR PENYTEN7YARIES ARE A FAILURE

have always been people who have In
sisted that was exaggerating to make
facts suit the theories of my brain. and
that the deformed and repulsve being
which had described had really no exis-
tence. but that the criminal was very
little. IL at all. different from the normal
human being and in most cases could be-
proved to be the unfortunate victim of
adverse circumstances.
This criticism OF my theories. though
at times very bitter and personal. has
never made me finch from my firm con-
vlction, but at the same time have al
ways rejoiced to see men of acknowledged
talent and ballity come to my assistance.
How we'll I remember how l appre-
ciated the blouse OF the Dead" by
Dostoiewsky in which the great Russian
author, who had studied the born crimi-
nal so closely and deeply, shows that
have not erred or exaggerated in my
description.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

Laurence Sterne, one OF the greatest
and probably the s1nuttest of all Eng
lish novelsts, used to say that the thing
OF all others he aimed at In his works
was righteousness and obscurty. IN
other words. he always sought to leave
the reader In doubt as to what actually
had happened and what was going to
Hoppen. After reading his Tristan
ehandy'' or Sentimental Journey" one
feels that he has been chasing will
O. the wisp though 1t must be admitted
that these works are very delightful
ignes fatul.
Now, barring the fact that Sterne was
smutty, while j am as pure as newly
whitewashed fence, 1 am in pretty much
the same fix as the old English novelist.
In other words, / am about to write
concerning my family affairs, and still
/ don't wish to let out any secrets. To
make a long story short, the Commander
in-Chief (she who buys my socks for me
and receives my weekly salary and my
self are about to have wedding ami
versary. We want all our friends to be
on hand, and yet there is very en-
barrassing fact which must be withheld.
l dare not tell how long we have been
married. To reveal this would give
other women a basis upon which to cal
culate the age OF the Commandcr-in-
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

Chief Now, the good woman always
processes the utmost contempt for other
poor critters Of her sex who are shy on
the chronology of their birth, but when
1t comes to recalling dates in connection
with her own natal day, I observe that
she is as coy and evasive as didappcr
duck She will not even let folks know
whether she was a babe or n lassle dur
Ing the Civil War. And sometimes when
she gets the curl papers out of her hair
and encrusts her face with a few we'll
directed pinches Of whitening. darned IL
I am certain about her antiquity myself.
All know is that she has arrived at the
age Of discretion. which. be II said. is a
polite way Of limiting that she has arrived
at that age when she possesses the most
superhuman ability to detect and point
out my indiscretions. No woman reaches
the full bloom Of her married life until
she gets to be a mother to her husband.
and no husband reaches his second child
hood until he is thus belittled by his con-
sort. For example. have attained that
stage OF marital timidity where dare
not buy suit of clothes without first
consulting my petticoated martinez as to
every trivial detail. She prescrlbes how
the suit shall be built It is she who
determines whether the cloth Is thick
enough for auturnnal and winter wear,
and whether the coat-tails shall be long
and flutteriag like the pennant Of war
vessel. or bobbed off short like the locked
tail Of a hackney horse. IT Is she. too.
who burns the cloth with a match to tell
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

God te1npers the winds to the shorn
lamb" He should have amended his re-
mark by saying that God ternpers the
bulldozlngs OF loving wife, and hard
tinuots peckings of an ex-plillet. For
my part I've got so used to having. my
wife a mother to me that ! would be
strangely suspicious II she ever placed
herself upon level with me. Long ago
/ began to look upon her as dtvtnely
appointed critic, who knew just how to
guide me; who could tell the exact psy-
mo to ask my boss for an increase Of SAL
airy; who somehow knew Just when 1
was taking too much whlskey for my
health: who, without understanding the
least about business. could advise mo
when not to buy Industrial stocks; VINO
eous II ] turned out whskers; who
warned me against Panama hats when
every other man In town was hooking
his brthright to procure one-who does
thousand things every. day to show
that I have rats in my belfry, and about
as much gumption as Dominicker hen.
1t took me years to bring myself to a
who didn't know sight draft from n
postoice order could stick a hairpin In
her mouth and settle the most knotty of
my business problems in the twinkllng
OF an eye. But ! see 1t now. And so 1t
Is meet and proper that ! should rejoice
with every recurrence of that annver-
sary, which recalls the day the Baptist
has are markable propensity for knowing
when am about to make a fool OF my
self True. the anniversary. will look
little inconsistent when we line up our
offspring. And some malicious woman.
on seeing all the little ones, may be
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

larry always told me that In his establish
ment everything was IDEAL that great re-
suits were continually being accom-
pished and tina the system was a COM
pete success in his hands; but I, who
looked into the soul of the criminal. who
saw the hidden thoughts OF his prisoners,
perceived very soon that less than Moth
ing was accomplished; that all his rules,
all his strict discipline created In the
criminals only a habit which made them
obey mechanically
And what can you expect from an indi-
vidual In whom our authorities continu-
ally try to destroy all sense of human
dignity?
I convinced myself during the many
years which spent at this large prison
that the rules had only effect on a few
naturally honest men. who really We're
In no need of reform. and who possessed
some education,
Loss of liberty, the loneliness Of a
prison cell. is. on the other side, not felt
so heavily by the cultivated mind, be-
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

are not thoroughhreds and should not be
COMPOUNDED with the genuine American
species, which Is found in its perfection
only in our large cities. for 1t is a shy
bird and shuns the country where people
sec too much
The origin OF the summer widower is
comparatively recent, there being no In
dcation that our grandparents were ia
miliar with this gay songster. 1t was,
apparently, Matched by opportunity, and
this has led to the interesting conundrum,
being propounded of which came frst,
the gadding wife or the summer widower3
Unfortunately. science has been unable
to settle this question, but 1t Is hoped that
those earnest students Of truth, the
women's clubs, will take 1t up and inves~
tigate 1t In the near future
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

cause he finds within himself subjects
for thought
III this statement I am endorsed by
Krabotkin Our penitentlaries. which we
use MS preventlves, very often, not to say
always inspire in the souls of their In
mates hate of work, because they are
deprived of using their own will power
To possess a, strong will In prison is
only an added misfortune, and If the
convict, before entering prison. had some
liking for work. he will soon lose 1t, and
hate the work which Is forced upon him.
If he formerly doubted that there was
any Justice In the world and thought that
the present state of society was radically
wrong, he Will very soon be convinced
that he was ght.
This is true OF all prisons, but more so
OF those which are too strict and where
the thief and crook only learns to be-
come perfect In his trade and to hate
society more intensely than before
Our present penal code administers
terms in the lonely cells to the criminal
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

on razzle- dazzle clothes and fifty-dolar
Panama hats, but its chief distinction Is
It's blythe and happy expressions. as of one
who has gotten three months repreve
OF the domestic sentence,
Attention should DO called in this con-
nection to the curious power of transfer
nation possessed by this bird. by means
OF which in few minutes 1t can change
from henpecked fowl into Growing
cock OF change from henpecked fowl
into Growing cock of the walk. Reliable
ornithoIogists, who have watched 1t at
the ocean line piers. at the Grand Central
Depot and at tho Jersey City ferry. de-
clare that frequently rooster will come
into these places accompanied by
its brood, looking as mild and harmless
as a dove but no sooner does 1t load its
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

old hen and chicks on the train or boat
than it jams Its Panama over Its left
eye with a wicked rake and, tapping its
wings, struts ont to see the town.
The habits of the Summer Widower are
extremely interesting. although little
that is authentic has been written here
tofore about it. as It shuns obserYat lon.
The best place to study 1t. as has been
said, is at the roof garden, and from
the knowledge thus gained we learn that
1t has A. thirst that dates hack to last
summer and that It has a penchant for
pretty chorus girls and is never so happy
as when opening bottles for them, At such
times its merry carol frequently beats the
band.
While this beautiful bird is especially.
fond of female society and can easily be
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19
~ Wherenpon
lIY/IIIIIIlG fe1(XlGYI l1IDXXLS u TIUG,
Rx HOWARD W. IOWNSENp.-n

gate m oney, den I know what line OF
dc soivants dat fetches on de bot
ties of vine" he says, II notice dat
very little of de wine Is drunk on de
stage, and l has often taut what a
good ting de soivant has when he
takes de bottle off,
Say, honest, If ever Mr.. Paul should
toss a lip over glass OF stage fizz,
he'd have de struggle of his life to re-
member dat he was Christian
Well. dat evening, as was fussing
around de library, where de folks was
hot-aring. and me keeping Ice in de
cooler, and wood on de CRATE hears
Mr.. Paul say, II has a graft" he
says-only he uses dude woids what
I tolin into right English for you
II has a graft for to do away wit
all tax paying by de citizens Of dis
delightful Island Of Manhattan
"Good!' says Whiskers. "All OATS
home is to make de price Of living
come within de means OF folks of
moderate incomes like me-" OATS de
song he sung, but cops 1t right dat
Whiskcrs rakes off an even hundred
thousand. working two days q year
cutting de fringe off bonds.
What is your plan. Paul?" he says.
Tell me quick so as I can have
taste Of heaven even before die"
1T is dis" says Mr.. Paul. TIN
going to form de Island Of Manhattan
Amusement Company, Unlimited. De
capital will be few billion, but when
I set fort me suspicious I'll have to
use hammer to discourage subscrib-
ers. shall get franchise for me
company to fence In Manhattan ISL
and, and charge admission. In retoin
for de franchise, de company will
pay de city all de long green needed
to run de moneycipal gov'ment. 1t
won't be much as de company will
do most of de woik now done by de
city; run de Police and Fire Depart
ments, clean de streets, pay de Office
holders, and
'"1Iold on" says whtskers. "If
your company pays for running all
dose departments, why would 1t have
to pay de city anyting?"
Sir" says Nh Paul. deere are
soften expenses in connection wit
gov'ment which 1t Is not polite to dis
cuss In mixed company. For particu-
lars. refer you to me friends Plat.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

Croker and Company. Dis plan was
suggested to me on a poissonally con-
Quoted tour about town, wit Chances
to guide me, to-day. found dat at
de present rate of progress New York
in little time will be solidly built up
of theatres and hotels. De business
is badly in need of organization" -say,
dat Is a bold of a d-What?-'Of
organization. It should be run in a
community Of interest. Here is tee
aires being built all over de lot, wit
hotels stuck in between, and no gem
eral plan. no economy; competition
instead OF cooperation, and millions
of graft going to waste because no.
body has taut of me plan."
'But what has fensing in dc Island
got to do wit it?" Whiskers asks
Oats de starting point" says Mr..
Paul. /" You couldn't keep Americans
wit gold to melt out of New York,
If you threatened EN- wit smallpox
and Calling guns. It's de cinchest
graft dat ever went to waste since
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19
WhereupOn Mr. Paul Has a Dream that
is All Ready Money With No Discount
'ohert Howard Russell.)

Is, by Robert Howard Russeli)
Noah forgot to charge admission to
de Ark. We has de goods, and de peo-
pie won't be happy until dey has EN-.
Make en- pay to get into de shop,
and den pay for what dey gets dero.
After paying all de expenses we now
meet by de foolish trick of taxing
ourselves. me company will -still have
all de profits Of de shop for velveteen.
See?" &
ut sounds big" says Whiskers.
but It's bigger dan it sounds, says
Mr.. Paul. Its re graftlest graft dat
ever grew out OF DOORS he says.
using some real langwudge, which
he can. when he wants to talk
straight.
Listen" he says. ION me trip wit
Chammes to-day. 1 seen a hundred
buildings, costing a hundred million
dollars. going up. DER. hundred, sepa-
rate foolish owners Is paying all kinds
OF foolish Doodle for the land, for
building material, for labor. and for
everything. OATS what de hundred
little steel companies, and de dozen
steamship companies paid before dey
got togedder. What is dey paying now.
I asks you?n
ri & j.
Paying dividends" says whiskers.
beginning to get onto de graft.
Exactly. sir. Let us stop dis foolish
game Of building a teeatre here,
hotel dere. palm room somewhere
else and a row OF banjo flats In be-
tween. Let us get together: let us or
Janize: let us get onto de game. and
stop playing long shots. just because
dey is long. and play noting but
cinches. wit de money handed out to
us as soon as we picks our favorite.
without waiting for de horses to be
run. De whole Island will be covered
by a twenty-story building. and, al
fast as new teeatre. a restaurant a
mile of flats, or any odder old kind OF
a joint Is wanted, part of de building
will be finished to suit tenants. De
company fixes de rent.-without comp4
tition. Is 1t dream? What" he says
Say. isn't Mr.. Paul fancy
! fneseer? But listen: I lit de pipe dat
started dat dream. and I'll come In
for a rake-of on de DOODLE and wear
me Sunday close all Gle time, and
drink noting but real wine, when
ever has toist on me-"
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

1t was like dis: Mr.. Paul says to me
&c odder day would pilot him up and
down Main Street bit. before New
York got SO far ahead of him dat he
couldn't find his way to choich wit
out compass.
says sure, and he asks Whlskers
would he chase along in de process
sion. But Whiskers says nay. nay.
NO" says he; II has lived half
hundred years in dis city of me brit.
witout knowing any more about 1t dan
! needed 10 find me way TO me club.
me bank, me choich and to de few
teeatres dat Is not playing Fitch or
rag-time. On your way" he says.
I'm satisfied I'll leave it to stran-
gers in New York and curiousmnded
natives like you. Paul, to loln how TO
travel underground. and for to do bus
iness in balloons.
shall we travel in me mobile.
Chames?" says Mr.. Paul.
II pass I says. "All mobiles dat
doesn't bust derseyes, busts into de
subway says. sid RAIDER travel
by hand" says.
So we hikes out, and passes him
up 10 a few of de new teeatres dat
Is blooming fort In de tenderloin.
"Dis," / says. when we f1tchet
Tolty-fort Street, lis de Drury Lane.
climbing up into de sky: dis, on Forty
foIst is to be de New Amsterdam, and
right dere." I says. pointing little
way OF, on Forty second. "ls where de
same parties Is to build de Liberty;
and here, on Forty-to!d, is Reggie De-
Kovens Lyric; and here. on Forty
fort, is do Hudson: and on Forty-fift
is to be de Royal; and on Forty-sixt
Dan Froman's new Lyceum: and over
here on Forty-nint de new Comedy;
and"
skipped Forty-sevent and Forty-eight
Streets"
Shell and Billy Brady comes in dere.
Let us take de l. and go out to Har-
lem, and see de two new teeatres me
friends Tim Sullivan and Harry MI
nors kid Is running up dere, ] says
NO" says Mr.. Paul, tautful like;
.Iet us go and look down in de sub
way awhile to get de twist out OF me
neck I got from looking up at de tall
buildings"
eve hasn't struck de tall buildings
yet" / says. "Dere's two sky-scrap
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

Much difference of opinion has arisen
among ornithologsts in regard to prop
erly classifying this bird. Superficial OBJ
servers. noting that 1t remained In the
hot and arid city during the dog days
while It's mate was enjoying the salu-
brious breezes OF mountains or sea, have
contended that 1t belonged among the
tame domestic barnyard fowls who spend
their entire time scratching for their fam
lilies genus Americans hnsbands) This
classification is founded on insufficient
knowledge Of the subject. for wider
study of 1T shows that the Summer
Widower is one OF the swiftest birds out,
and that you can't lose it genus Round
eris).
In appearance 1t is delight to the
eye. as we'll as JOY to the ear. It is great
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

ers Of hotels going UP on Long Acre
Square; and you never seen de Anso-
mia, furder out de Lane, wit twict as
many rooms as de Waldorf; and de-"
mo more! No more to-day" says
Mr.. Paul. Let us phllosophze. What
Is We coming to?'
DE subway" 1 says. Look out
for de blast!''
~ mean what is society coming to-"
he says.
Search me-" I says. ITS struck
Lent already" I says, land bridge
whist tables is working overtime"
bridge whist won't last" says he.
les a female No, dat wasn't de
void he used What's dat? OATS 1t.
Tanks. tits phemeral fad" he
SAYS, what we imported from Lun-
non, and 1t Will stray to de woods as
soon as dere's enough teeatres In town
for everybody to get seat OATS got
de price. OATS de point: we is all
coming to de teeatre, which is to say,
we IS all going to de teeatres. elder as
actors, or as audience.
.I'd RAIDER deal de game" 1 says,
dan buy chips"
well" says Mr.. Paul. I'VE must
all do one or de odder. Dere will soon
be so many teeatres dat We all must
be in de game. until Mr.. Edison per-
fects his auto-actor'
Oats ringer on me" says. dat
auto-actor."
cts near ready to be put on dc
market" says Mr.. Paul. Its to be
run by machinery. and warranted to
make no holler. even IL re ghost don't
walk, and all de press notices is roasts,
Den will come happy time. Dc
critics will all be graduates Of schools
OF engineering. De part Of Hamlet
de press notice will say. was excellent
ly rendered by one of de new pattern,
two and half horse power. drop
forged, leading men, constructed on
lines invented by Mr.. Mansfield. BY a
novel contrIvance (for which de inven.
tor has patents) 1t sexhaust Is made
to resemble de sound OF enthusiastic
applause. De power is directly geared
to It's legs, and, when friction slutch
Is trun on, dis character can be used
for buck. and fancy step dances. be
tween de acts. De Ghost was played
by high-powered, alcohol-heated,
copper-tubed utility man. which slip
ped Its eccentric pin in de battlement
scene. and. being hastily repaired, dc
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-07-19

II cannot BIO denied that our prisons OF
Today are a miserable failure. that they
are far from fulfilling what they were In
tended for. and that the only good they
DO is to keep certain individuals out of
harm as long as they are actually locked
up, but who almost invariably return to
their criminal pursuits as soon as they
ire allowed to leave their cell.
The ideal prison should be a school; II
should teach its inmates the practical
value of honesty. should develop their
feelings OF moral responsibility and create
within them the wish of becoming useful
members of society
They should be treated As children,
whose faculties are not yet fully de-
veloped, in whom all the Vices of primi-
tive man. as he existed thousands of
years ago, have come to the surface.
When have tried in my articles on
criminals to show and describe the res
puIsive type of the born criminal there