Willmar tribune. [volume] (Willmar, Minn.) 1895-1931, 1903-03-18

and drive you out of business. He was
a great eater, and this must have goad-
ed you like everything. He was one of
the best heavy-draft eaters we-ever
knew. He always knew when to stop
eating, however. He would quit the
moment he had eaten everything in
sight. And yet, Notwithstanding this
great superiority over you, he tried to-
crush out your business and jerk the
sawdust and other predigested food
right out of your mouth.
He drove mule and a close bargain
wherever he went.
He tried to stamp you out at every
available opportunity. He had moth
ing personally against you, only he
was just grasping. Not satisfied with
his superior appetite, he sought to
and bald-headed condition and drive
you to the wall.
He sold fresh oil from house to
house. But, though he sold quart after
quart of it and fed his mule straw, you
finally got the better of him in the
struggle.
1t was a fearful fight between two
great forces of capital. It was an I'M
equal struggle, too, and one in which
he had every advantage of you. On
one side was a large, healthy man and
a roam mule named Clyde, who also
enjoyed the great blessings of good
health. On the other side was man
whose hair was constantly falling out
in his vituals and who had a sour stom-
ach nearly every day of his life.
On one side was a strong, robust
man and mule, neither of whom had
ever been bothered with badness or
acidity of the stomach. On the other
side a frail man, who, despite his con-
slant loss of hair, still pressed bravely
on, full of hope and paregoric.
And at last you won. At last success
placed her crown upon your fuzz.
Your competitor could eat bigger
breakfast than you could and make
more noise while doing it, and he could
have licked you on less ground than it
took to stand on, but still you just
beat him clear out anyway. It was
an awful struggle, but the victory was
yours in the end.
You were bothered with dandruff
right through it all, John, while he had
a. ravenous appetite and mule, but
you made it too tropical for him and
he had to quit. So, you see that you
have something to be thankful for,
even if your victuals are digested in a
drug store.
In regard to getting a new growth of
vegetation for your brow and rebuilt
stomach, we wish to say we can think
of nothing that we could recommend
ate and then lay it on the hired man:
1--WE are opposed to any legislation
that will interfere with the growth of
hair or any other industry. Our man
will see you tomorrow. He will wear
black mustache and a light brown
check book"
But we fear for your chances. We
are afraid you have gone bald perma-
nently. AS grower of hair you are q
fizzle. You are also failure when it
comes to sprouting new appetite.
Your talents do not lie ir that direc-
ton. You can go on the market and
buy an oil we'll on the hoof or a rail-
road that is in need of a parent, but as
hairculturist you are a damp and
musty failure.
You can mix oil and water. Take one
share of oil and 80 shares of water, stir
to the consistency of 40 above par and
serve. But you couldn't get a growth
of front hair ready for the spring clip
to save your life.
But do not be cast down. Try and
forget your dandruff and struggle on.
It is a wise dispensation that our tai
ents lie in different directions, anyway.
If you had your way you would more
than likely have us all wearing our
hair bald, while you would concen-
trate a growth like one of the Souther-
land girls. And if we were in your
place we would monkey with the price
of West Virginia whale oil and run up
harness grease until we practically
Just took it right out of the mouths
of the starving. So it is better as it is
You stay where you are and beat down
the price of axle ointment at every
available opportunity.
Hoping that you will become more
reconciled to your present condition
and that you will come to realization
of the truth of the old saying that it i.
better to have had hair and lost thar
never to have had it at all, and that
after all, it is not the wig that makes
the man, we beg to remain, yours, etc.
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