Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1903-03-05

loading up her husband with the re-
suits of first one experiment and
then another. One day she would
weight him down with a new species
of hide-bound pie that she had seen
heartily recommended in an infuen-
tial newspaper with a sworn circula-
ton, and the next day she would adj
minister a vegetable soup that con-
tanned every ingredient from turnips
to timothy hay.
He was robust man and he put up
a magnificent battle against the new
imported hash and the up-to-date pud-
ding with horse liniment on it. But
the odds were against him. No man,
however strong and healthy, can long
hold out against a daily lombard
ment of canvas-back buckwheats and
biscuits that have been stunted in
their growth. And so he gradually
went into a decline.
Sometimes his wife would get
thrown off the scent for new, lace
trimmed salads and hand-painted
cake for awhile, and life would once
more become a thing of JOY to him.
For several days he would be allowed
to run at large in a pasture of old
homestead sausage and bread like
father used to take.
At every meal his wife would lead
in some domestic coffee and a gal
lon or two Of potatoes that had been
mashed according to the old rules,
and he would let out the hold-back
strap at the rear of his vest about
four notches and half and then
begin to eat his way back to life and
happiness.
The old color would return to his
wan cheeks, he would begin to get
steady on his feet again, and his
lease of life would be indefinitely ex-
tended.
1t is wonderful how death can
sometimes be cheated by mess of
homegrown biscuits, and how the
spirit, family futtering between one
back by a plate Of rational kraut or
a bowl of soup that is in it's right
mind.
But about the time he would get
yanked safely away from the
clutches of the grave, his wife would
run across a formula for making a
new improved wrought-iron doughnut
guaranteed to produce death or di
vorce in 80 days if taken according to
directions, and the flush of health
would once more forsake his cheek.
Once more his wife would begin to
ballast him down at each meal with
her new Notwithstanding pud-
ding and her anthracite cakes and
then turn him out of doors to totter
along on his way full of gloom and
glucose.
Feebler and feebler grew his step,
until one day the faint spark went
out and, with a CLEAN of pleasure,
he closed his eyes on his last up-to-
date salad and his last double-bar-
Relied breech-loading, center-fre pie.
1t was a long and fierce struggle
between a brave, robust man and a
diet of cosmetic salad that would
cure badness if applied to the scalp.
That is the great trouble with
much Of this new tailor-made style
of food. Too much of it is applied
internally. Too often good hair
tonic or successful freckle remover
is wasted in inundating pudding or
floating a dish of prunes.
We believe that if more of our
modern, bay-rum style of food were
applied externally and less of it were
taken internally there would be much
less dandruff and buckwheat itch in
the United States than at the pres
ent time.
We remember a man who wore his
wile's buckwheat cakes around as a
chest protector one severe winter
and it saved his life.
He had weak lungs and a poor
stomach and he knew that he could
never cope with the six-ply, linger-
ingdeath buckwheats that she
nodded and tanned every morning for
breakfast. So, instead of eating
them, he would watch his chance,
and while his wife was out splitting
the wood or feeding the cow he would
sip TWO Oh CuIGO OIL nCT cakes lnUO
the bosom of his shirt and then
hasten away. The buckwheats
proved to be the best chest protector
he had ever used, and he got SO much
in the habit of wearing them that he
would never trust himself out in Sc
we're weather without three or four
of his wife's nice, fresh gutta-percha
buckwheats on his person! They
would turn anything from dement,
ed cyclone to a discharge of buck
shot, and he always felt ready for
any emergency when he was dressed
up in his buckwheats.
If cooking as a fashionable fad
becomes contagious in this country,
as the indications now point, many
a home that now is happy is going to
be broken up, and many a man that
now feels spry and goes around with
his head up like a colt in the corn
is going to be brought down in hui