The Minneapolis journal., 1903-10-13
THE NONpAREIL MAN
Casually Observed.

Casually Observed.
The brilliancy and frequency of the au-
tumn leaves make one despair of the quail
lty OF the coming winters cigar
II there is anything you haven't been
cured OF, somebody guesses that perhaps
radium will do it. Incidentally radium
costs a million dollars a hunk
The Miller, S. D.. Sun insists that the
man, or the woman, who makes you laugh
is doing great good in the world. The
Sun says:
Man cheerfully gives half
& OF his lonesome dollar
= 10 watch the opera singer laugh
And hear her wordless holler.
The trouble with this theory is that it
is one-sided. Man will almost as freely
give up another half dollar to see the
Tragedy Queen do weep that makes a
man feel as mean as to have his best
friend regularly borrow IS.
What doth it profit corporation to
have a capital stock of SLIT, 000, 600 if it is
unable to meet it's monthly payroll?
You have to go away to find out how
you are appreciated. While this column
was on its vacation eating lobster and
pie fresh from the ocean right on the
coast of Maine, the subscription list of
The Minneapolis Journal was in
creased by several hundred names. At
least the circulation department told US
that as soon as we got back.
Abdul Hamid has severely punished a
printer who made a rank typogra phical
error in the official reports. Europe may
not be able to do anything to the sultan,
but His Majesty may not find the typo
graphical union SO lmpOtent. rt.
Opinions of J. P Morgan are less fiat
tering than they were when he was riding
on the crest of the wave. The most for
chile opinion we have seen yet was ex-
pressed on the market page recently where
it said ''Steel common, 121a."
The Rev. Olympia Brown tells us that
our good president is all wrong, that ma
ture is going to look after the population
/ and the general interests of the next CEN
sus and that we really need a sprinklins
| of old maids to keep us in 'Aunts as ID
aunts'' who have no children of their own
to love and SO spend their time and en-
ergy in loving us. We believe Mrs. Brown
| is right We have always argued that it
| is well to let the Deity run his own uni
verse.
Uncle Jim in the Appleton Press says:
Hark ye to the voice of wisdom. The day Of
the progressive, broad-minded business man II
at hand and when he comes we will have to go
away back and it won't do any good to whine;
we will pass away like the Indian.
TO pass away like the Indian is not
pleasant, neither is it pleasant to think
of world entirely composed Of progress
sive, broad-minded business men. 1t
5ooc,,'t c,iy riaty enough and 1t raises
the price of food and coal too much.
This column has mortally offended Sny-
der, Oklahoma, a young Chicago OF the
southwest, by clipping. from Kansas City
paper an article and commenting on
town site boom at Snyder. The Snyder
| Star, just received, roasts us to a finish
It says:
| Nonpareil type is one of the smallest used in
a newspaper office, in fact it lacks just six
! points of being nothing. There is no doubt that
| the writer Of such stuff has nonpareil mind
| and if we remember him right, condensed plea
body More than likely he has been all the
way from Minneapolis to st. Paul on the street
car, and without an escort Poor 1e!loW, mo-
he may not be to blame. Maybe we have oeen
| too harsh with him. Just think II you were
| away up in that noted winter resort OF Lap
| landers in September, and the frost had begun
| to bite, and you needed two inches to make up
your 81 column, wouldn't you be tempted to tell
! Just one lie about the coming Chicago OF okla-
! homa which was taking all the best of your
employers customers to its beautiful location,
| and you was short the price to go with them!
Give Russell and the devil his due
When we read this we felt as if we
should sink.
The Adrian Democrat man says that
| Worthington is very moral town. Then
| he goes on to poke whole lot OF fun
at the place. He says that there ism
saloon in the town, and the bare men
| ton of cards causes shiver to run down
thousand spnes. Bro. Hawley, who runs
the Advance, is so nice he refuses to ad-
Vertise ladies' underwear in his paper. A
newcomer, who didn't care to rob box
cars, had case of beer shipped in. That
night he was captured by a band Of
masked women and boiled in OIL. The
| men change their underclothes and put on
! clean shirts twice every day, and tha
! streets are sprinkled with lavender water
during the summer. Special police with
4 large fly swatters are employed to kill flies
or run them out of town. If fly is killed
| in town its remains must be taken out
side the corporate limits and buried
! We'll, that's better than splitting on the
sidewalk and having the main street oc-
cupied by eighteen low doggeries and one
grocery store. ...
This column dreamed last night that it
ran for mayor and was elected. The re-
suits were such as to make a wagon stick
it's tongue out. Our platform was What
! are the laws for" and the answer sue
! cinctly given was ITO enforce" Dur
ing the campaign we spoke to several
mighty audiences on Bridge square, and
said in effect:
Dear Friends and Fellow Citizens: ]
don't want to be mayor, but if you elect
me, I am going to enforce the laws Il
it takes a leg. I am not in the hands
!; Of my friends, for they all advise me