Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1903-12-30

Did you ever eat horned toad
fried in tar or bandicOot stewed in
molasses9 I presume not. Therefore
I will speak of something else. Long
years ago when I still buttoned my
trousers at the sides and wore a
stubbed toe and a wisp of hair pro-
truding from my summer hat-that
is the hair was protruding from my
hat and not the stubbed toe-a tenn
perance orator of renown boarded
few days at our house. He was
hotsnake of a temperance lecturer
but he would get drunk. At one
place he shut himself up in his
room and went to bed. A doctor
was called and prescribed whisky
and hot water as a stimulant. The
orator objected fiercely for appear
ance sake but finally told the doctor
to send up a gallon so the folks
wouldn't catch on and he would
send his shaving mug down for hot
water as if about to shave and
thus allay suspicion. That all
happened Saturday. On Monday
the doctor came back and inquired
about the patient and this is the re-
port he got from theexcited family:
doc he's raving crazy. He's been
shaving himself every seven min
utes night and day."
He was much in the condition OF
the man who looked in the mirror
and saw the fly, on his face and
thought be had the moonshine
menageries. He stopped the barber
and demanded to know how he
could shave off lather and whiskers
and never touch the fly. The bar
Der assured him there had been nc
! f1y on his face. .Guesh / can see
| a fly an I wanter know whash the
mazzer with him. Feel hish feet
| ticklin'. Fore thish job goes on
gotter know how you can shave
under him an not cut hish legsh
Off" The fly was on the mirror.
It would take a pretty swift bar.
Der to slide razor under fly
before it could get away. The one
in Florida who recently lathered
and shaved thirty men in thirty
minutes might be able to do it. But
the,average barber takes life less
strenuously. He visits with his
victims. used to know one who
had a regular set of questions fol-
each customer. Every time a GER
tain youth came in he asked him
all about the health of his folks
He knew them all by name and in
quired about each one separately.
He always wound up with the
query: "And how's your good old
father?" By and by the old man
died in due and legal form but the
barber forgot to revise his list of
questions. Every week he asked
the youth about the folks and wound
UP the same old way and every
week the youth explained that his
father had died on such and such a
date. "And how's your good old
father?" asked the barber for the
steenth time and the youth replied:
ooh paw he's still dead!" This
same barber had a disagreeable
habit of always poking his cold wet
finger in your ear.
I like a sociable barber who en-
deavors to make one see the bright
side of life while he gently but firm
ly robs him. I met several in Mil
waukee recently but it was pleas
ing fat complexioned gent that did
most of the drawing on my bank
account. When I took off my
collar he laid it carefully away in
little closet and said something
nice about my ninety nine cent tie
pin. smiled and he marked fiji
teen cents down on book. told
him I only wanted shampoo but
he said he would consider that his
life had been a failure if I didn't
let him trim off the trouseled lace
curtain effect around the edges.
He plead so hard and looked into
my face so sweetly that I reluctant
ly consented and he added fifty
cents to my account Then he
told me / had the finest head of
hair he ever cut-so silky and long
and luxuriant and asked what I
did to keep it so lovely. That gave
me sort of pleased exhilirated
effected along my spine and l
smiled. The smile assured him [
would stand for ten cents more and
he put it down. Then he told me
story about a friend of his who