The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1903-04-09

CBy Horace Seymour Keller.


had departed 1 settled down to that quiet
calm which comes TO a man after he has
accomplished good thing, eaten a meal
at some one eises expense or traded
horses.
For ten minutes l contemplated and
thought myself a good thing, when the
door opened and a young man with a
hectic flush pushed his breath before him
as he entered my quiet den- After doing
so much good | was in a mood TO enter
tain even a cat and her kittens. l led
the stranger TO the corner of my couch,
posed myself by the window and with a
grand wave of my hand told him to fire
away.
Which he did. clever artist that he was.
4 have got the greatest thing in the
world. 1t is compact, unique, and is ball
| bearing in all its several parts. 1t is a
boon to humanity and life-saver- There
is nothing in this world So humiliating
10 young man at social function as to
be obliged to squat on 4 chair like pa
per wad on the country school house
ceiling, and why? Just because he does
not posses the natural ability to rise up
William Henry and make the rest of the
push shrek with laughter.
He takes a Sunday paper, and has
practiced a certain little disappearing
coin trick in the sdnctity of his hall bed
room for q week, hoping to spring it
some time. Alasi His hated rival takes
the same paper and has sprung the little
sleight of hand affair before him. Then
the young man gets green and yellow
with envy as he sits there and listens
to the girls whisper all about stupid
idiot who doesn't know how to help an
evening along when fun is running riot
in every one else's veins.
He is sorry that he is dull, and feels
like kicking nature because she failed to
furnish mental milestone to sharpen his
Wit when he came into the world with
a bald-headed and toothless desire to
pose as the center of attraction and be-
come a famous funny man and a wit
But there he sits, like a bump on log.
and of no earthly use but to bother his
brain about how he may hide his feet.
while the rest of the merry company bub-
bles with mirth and gayety.
Here is where my 'Hila-metre' comes
in with its fine work and yanks the mel
ancholy. young man from the depths of
despair and elevates him upon the pedes-
tai of wit and fun, where he poses as the
greatest prune in the bunch. You will
observe that the name of my little rib
ticker is very fat and up to date. Hila'
is from 'hilarity'-funny thing, you
know. Metre is from gas metre. an
other funny thing. you know. You'll not
find it in any dictionary yet, but it will
circle in the land places one of my little
machines by the side of the beef grinder,
the rolling-pin or the match safe.
The 'hila- metre" will in a short time be-
come as universal as the washtub and as
common and as clever as the pot-scraper.
No family on earth will be able to keep
home welcome and warm unless one of
my machines is placed close to the lemon
squeeZer or the pepperpot. Say, with this
clever little contrivance under your vest
you will be invited TO all the social
functions in town, and also you will bask
among the elite and get your picture in
the paper as one of the 'steen hundred.
All doors will be open to you, and you
will go down the channels of fame as a
Chauncey Depew or a Joe Miller, or any
old thing. When you spring the 'hila-
metre on the crowd you will permeate the
atmosphere with a perfect hailstorm of
wit. fun and levity. 1t is easy to work
and a child can manage 1t nicely. 1t is
wound up by clockwork.
When you want to spring a joke all you
have to do is to press this brass button.
pull down this nickel slide and haul out
this neat little drawer. Great thing,
isn't it? To add to the clever feature it
will be well for you to make few passes
with your hands over the machine and
say 'AllmagooZalum, Der jobberwock,
biff'
This, of course, is not necessary, but
the dead language from The Cliff Dwell
ers adds a Zest. l have spent fortune
perfecting it, and / fatter myself that
Marconi and Edison are both awake to-
night fretting because they failed to think
the 'hila-metre' out first. I am selling
them at SO each / knew you would
take one. l saw at a glance you were
all for wit and good-oh. where does the
fun come in? You fill the machine with
little printed cards. Mason, hampton,
Monkeytrick and the rest of the boys
furnish them at two plunks per each
Good morning"
He vanished like dream. He had my
ten spot; 1 had the '.hila-metre." 1t was
a grea contrivance, and l was bound to
use it this very evening at my future
father-in-law's gathering. l have been in
the habit of posing in that circle as Ma
mics engaged, but the job has been irk-
some, especially when some clever one
has said: Mamie could do ever so much
better He is so dull"
But l took my little "hila-metre" with
me that evening. and meant to make the
whole crowd jump with hilarity.
Kismet-it is fate'
1 jotted down upon some cards some
of the cleverest things in the way of wit
could drag up. l laughed so heartily
as I fed them into my machine, and went
forth on my mad mission of fun and
joy.
After the folks got tired out at Mamies
home 1 pulled out my machine and told
my would-be father-in-law to set her GO
ing. He did. He punched the button,
pushed the slide and drew out the
drawer
Six mouldy chestnuts,
l was kicked from NAMES door, and
my 'hila-metre' was pitched after me.
u. Ia. IL
ha ha: and vanished like smoke, as /
went home sad and sorry