Waterbury evening Democrat., 1903-11-13
Of the Surname of Smidt
 By WILLIAM PERRY BROWN
Copyright, 1905, by Daily Story Pub. coo


 "Hammy" he would quarrel and even fight.
 As he progressed towards manhood these perversities grew, until the very sight of ham on a bill of fare, though connected with eggs, of which, when well done" he was fond, inclined him to vegetarianism for days thereafter. Once, deeply in love, one vital crisis of his life was dolefully precipitated by his hearts idol through this sometime ingrained idiosyncrasy of his sensitive soul.
 Having about bankrupted himself be- tween the theater and a private supper room in the swellest of cafes, what was his dismay when Agnes insisted not only on this, to him, excruciating dish for both, but preceded it with raw hamburger sandwich for herself.
 Better try one, too," she urged. "I am so dyspeptic, Dr. Seymour orders it for me when I am to eat late suppers. Ever notice his beard? Cousin Dolly Harrison says there's something hyp- notic about a vandyke beard" Smidt bolted a little of the hamburger and minced at the broiled ham. but his man. ner was such that Agnes felt dubious.
 If he doesn't like what I like now" she thought, how long after we are married will he continue to like me?" While thus beclouding her own fem eying her, arranged with himself to propose during the dessert stage.
 T will give him one more chance to brighten up" she thought, and ordered Hamburg grapes" together with Hamlet punch"
 This last strange compound, instead of the usual modicum of filtered coffee, was her special concession to wait Hammy out of the doldrums by appeal ing at once to the only poetic part of his name discernable through a microscope, and thus exhilerate him into good hu- nor again. Alas! It proved the final, straw to her already overstrained pa tience. He saw only further trial of his endurance, took peach and honey" for himself, winking boldly at the know ing waiter, drank desperately, offered himself in stuttering, boisterous, un- natural way, and was refused with hauteur that turned his whole internal economy to bitterest gall in an instant. Through an open door just then was seen a handsome man wearing a van dyke beard and the well-bred air of one used to having largely his own way with the fair elfgibles of his professional constituency whenever he chose to ex- ert himself. While Smidt still sulked Agnes, womanlike, swept instantly to fI1rfhpr rouonCo far pnthino iy ticular, by rising, leaving her unhappy suitor, and joining the handsome man without.
 Dam Seymour!" sroaned Hammy as he saw them disappear. "I-thought she loved me, little; but what chance has poor, common man, named Ham Smtdt, against dude doctor, named Seymour, with hypnotic beard. be- lieve I'll die--extinguish myself"
 Here came the waiter with the bill and for his tip. When poor Smidt had satisfied these claims he had not enough change left to buy poison with. Sey- mour had relieved him of Agnes. Death should relieve him of the name Ham smidt, and transfer his misery to Agnes and the hypnotic beard. Suicide and a
 
 the authors of his despair, or at least Agnes; for the beard had not mesmer- ized him, unless with disgust. She would attend his funeral, perhaps in tears, therefore he must be buried in style-great style. .
 As he morbidly dwelt on this idea for days death seemed terrible only as it lacked eclat, A patrician horror of cheap cof1ns tawdry trimmings and an unappreciative undertaken associated itself in his mind with sort of potters- fieldian forgetfulness on the part of Az nes. How else could she be made to feel what she had missed. so pointedly, as 1 by a posthumous display that should, as 1t were, invest the memory of what she | had lost with the most splendid aroma of sour grapes possible on the savings of moderate salary. But the very difficulties even stinu- lated endurance, and as Agnes, possibly surnamed Seymour, grew in his minds eye, he really felt exhilerated at times. so strangely complex are men and mo- | tives, when egotism allows folly to as- sist in tweaking Conqueror Cupid's nose. Still the delays were wearying. l and 1t was great relief when he had so "nxed" matters that he could call fairly gorgeous burial casket" and 'shroud" practically his own. Mere coffns, clothes and undertakers were by this time so associated in his mind with an ordinaray, spare-dug grave. that rented vault, as suggested by the funeral director" soon allied itself with the other more impressive access sories essential to his deep revenge. i'm cluding also the sad visaged shopman's up-to-date designation of himself. So fond he grew of these rather grewsome pursuits that he had the casket set m endways in his room, whereat his friends wondered at his behavior.
 Agnes only laughed. Evidently she thought she knew the young man Meanwhile Hamlet Smidt would con- template an imaginary vision of him. | self enShrOuded, lying in state in tba+