The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-03-05
QUEER PENSION APPEALS.
Some of the Quail mt Com m n icntions
That Relieve the MOnOtony OF
the Department.

The average tale that is told in the
official papers that drift into the gov
eminent archives at Washington by
che thousands daily is what has come
to be known as human interest
story" There are dreary wastes OF
platitudes and heaviness, wearisome
monotony and hard luck stories ga
lore But amid all these, relieving the
tedium of the rest, are bright bits
of unconscious humor, sharp sallies of
wit and expressions strikingly origi-
nal and funny, says the Washington
Post. Strange as it may seem, the
great bulk of the queer" among the
official mails reaches the pension bu-
reau, that great national Mecca Of
the stories of pathos and suffering.
The veterans have way of writing
epigrammatic letters on occasion, and
of drifting into the late President Lin
coins habit of illustrating points with
anecdotes culled frompersonal expert
eHce. The following from man who
is something Of fatalist in his way
will show peculiar vein Of thought
and expressions
81 Alwase Been a Publican Party.
:" Alwase Saciated with it.
81 Been turned Down bi it.
81 Reed my Bbel.
81 find from it hel is doomed.
Il am also doomed.
81 Spoas must go to the Boanard.
ii Must Cloas."
Down in Smoky Valley, KY. lives a
veteran who evidently regards the re-
ceipt of an official letter from Wash
ington as mark of distinction and
Importance. Presumably, he wanted
to show the answer to his neighbors
as an earnest Of his close relation to
the powers that be in Washington.
For this is what he wrote to the com
missioner Of pensions, ad literatim and
in toto:
Dear Ser: l haven't got nothin
espechel to write about but just thote
| would congratulate you on the effer-
cacy of your work in general and your
standing as a high and onerbel gent
in particular. | would like to have
the oner of your repli in ten days writ
ten on typewriter, &C.
1t is not to be supposed, OF course.
that a pensioner or his witnesses are
masters of medical phraseology.
Sometimes, however. the veteran wan
ders from the path of generalities fol.
lowed by most lay minds and gets the
vernacular OF the medical fraternity
mixed to a rather ridiculous degree.
Thus the following was discovered in
the papers filed by claimant who
was seeking pension under the gen
eral laws: PARALYSIS of right side
has gradually extended to adjacent
parts = of the brain matter, causing
paralysis of application and infen-
ton What he really meant and
what he was pensioned for was paraly-
sis of the right forearm resulting from
shell wound
Many a man has been taught the
value OF attention to details, but it
is not everybody who heeds the pre-
cept. But not long ago man who
gives evidence Of close observation and
who does not believe in glittering gen
eralities, had this to say in an affidavit
filed in pension claim to show the
widowed claimants financial standing:
- says upon oath that claimant
has only two horses and two COWS, and
very young colt, a two-horse wagon,
worth about fifteen dollars. Had
some other property when soldier
died, namely, two mules. one team of
horses, one heifer, and one steer. One
mule died, one heifer was killed by
lightning. The remaining mule was
sold to defray funeral expenses and
other debts, one horse was taken sick,
after which was not worthy of atten-
| tion since that time and the horse was
| given away. The steer was sold to pay
doctors bills, and other debts, and
| further atfiant states not"