Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1903-07-17

Giadys-So, Beatrice Is finally mar
ried? How did she come to take the
plunge? Ethel-She didn't. She was
showed off by six younger sisters
Puck
A happy faculty: Young Tutter Ito
hostess)-I have had very pleasant
evening. But then | always manage
to enjoy myself no matter where l am.
Life.
Estate Agent Ito laborer's SOM
Here, my boy, where can l find your
You'll know i'm by is brown att
Punch.
At the price: Mrs. Bumble-By the
way, John, there are strawberries in
the market. Mr.. Bumble-Are there?
That's the best place for them.-Bos-
ton Transcript.
Sure, Murphy was wrong, an he
knowed he was wrong an he owned
up loike a little man." did he, now?"
"Yis; but he licked the other man
fir-rstv'-Puck.
His habitual reticence: Reporter (in
vestibule)-Is it true that Mr.. Gotrox
has just died? Butler Cautiously
1t is; but he has nothing to say for
publication...Puck.
He didn't count: so your house Is
being built at last?" yes" Il thought
the plans didn't suit you." "Oh, they
don't, but they suit my wife and the
architect now."-Baltimore News.
Look at the way baby's working his
mouth exclaimed Mrs. Newman;
NOW, he proposes to put his foot in
it," "H'mv replied her husband.
grumpily; hereditary y.'-Philadelphia
Press.
Ready for any emergency: He-lf
should kiss you, what would you do?
She-I never meet an emergency until
it arises He-But if it should arise?
She-I'd meet it face to face.-Yale
Record.
Retrograding; Farmer Ragweed--
Has Bill learned anything tew college?
Mrs. Ragweed-No; an wuss'n that,
he's forgot what he uster know! Says
he can't eat pie without a fork!-Chi-
cago News.
An easy one: Jonathan-I say. Brit
Usher, can you spell horse? English
man-'Orse? Why, certainly. 1t honly
takes a hatch and no and a har and
a hess and a he to spell 'orse.-Kansas
City Journal.
What is it now. sergeant" "Sure.
it's the new recruit, sor. Oh tould him
to mark time in tn drill room till OF
COON back, and he's scratched up tn
face Of the clock wild a pencil. sor.'-
Princeton Tiger.
Nice old man: Good heavens, boy!
Are you smoking? Muggs-Me smok-
in? Say. de very suspicion cuts me
t. de quick. Why. I'm just keepin' dis
butt lighted in case de guy who drop
ped it comes back.-New York Sun.
The real thing: Won Quizz-What
does your friend write? Verse? Nov
els? Tragedies? H. Kashe-Great
Scott, what do you take, him for? An
amateur? No, sir! He writes advertise
ments, of course!-New Orleans Times
Democrat.
Relaxation: 81 feel happy today"
said the club woman; Il haven't a
thing in the world to do. Not club
to attend. I'm going in for some
relaxation. I'm going to clean house
and have a good e.-Pittsburg
Dispatch.
Better thus: "Don't you think"
asked the anxious young playwright
after the first performance, that
might have improved it some by put
ting it in three instead of four acts?'
well, no." the critic replied; Il hardly
think so The curtain wouldn't be
down as much in that case as it is
Record-Herald.
Its softening influence: Mrs. Ma
hoole = Shure, thot ''Uncle Toms
Cabin made good boy out av me
Micky. Mrs. .O'Toole-O'im glad to
hear thot. Mrs. Mahoole-Yis, ut
gave him a tinder heart. Phoy, wud
yes behave ut, whin he cum out av
tn gallery he troid to murther six kids
that LATED whin Little Eva doied-
Chicago News.
Jason Mason-There goes that city
preacher who's thinkin' Nv acceptfn'
call mere. Ills CuufCu Ill Tue city WuE
boyeotted. Hiram Huskinby-What?
Great gosh! A church boycotted? What
fer? Jason Mason-Yew see, the street
railway strikers darn near killed non
union feller, an that thoughtless
preacher went an comforted the poor
chap durin' his last hours!-Puck.
Algy was not particular: There was
company at tea, and little Algernon
felt that it was an occasion upon
which he might assert himself. Ma"
he remarked, holding up his bread and
butter in scorn, ''can't l have some
Jam on this?' .'What?" calculated his
economical mamma; jam on butter?
No, indeed; certainly not!' "Oh, l
don't care about it being on the but
ter" said Algy, calmly; put it on the
other sidei-Answers.
Drink water and get typhoid. Drink
milk and get tuberculosis. Eat soup
and get Bright's disease. Eat meat
and encourage apoplexy. Eat oysters
and acquire taxemia. Eat vegetables
and weaken the system: Eat dessert
and take to paresis. Smoke cigarettes
-.