The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1903-12-22
THE NONPAREJL MAN

THE NONPAREJL MAN
Editor Wells of North Dakota Puts in a
HorseIess Plano, Run by GasoIene
Engine, and Bats out "HiaWatha" for
All the Telephone Subscribers in the
Vicinity Of Litchville, NJ. D.-Threats
of Whitecapping Are Freely Made by
an Indignant PopuIace.
w A. Wells OF. the Litchvile, n. D.,
Bulletin has just put in horseless piano.
This is the unl1ind way in which the Shell
don, N. d., Progress chronicles the event:
wv. A. Wells, the Litchville bondholder
Who amuses himself by publishing comic
weekly, has invested in piano and plan
ola. The latter machine plays the former.
wells Will run it by gasolene engine power
from the print shop Trouble may be
looked for in the Litchville country
young fellow who works on the Itch
vile Bulletin while Editor Wells is trounc-
ing the horseless piano at home says that
the boss don't know beans about music.
He couldn't tell Mendelssohn's Fifth SYM
phony from the bawl of brindle cow over
behind the hill
Yet, Mr.. Wells is so attached to the
horseless that one. night last week he
made the telephone beauty hitch on all the
city and country phones. while he banged
out Hiawatha' over the wires to a dis
gusted crowd of telephone subscribers who
talked back in way that crinkled the
telephone wires.
Mr.. Wells claims that any one who will
pay 81 to hear Paderewski when he can
buy a mechanical box-batter like the pian-
ola has a rivet started somewhere.
We trust the cowboys will not have to
be sicked upon Colombia. They would
mix the revolutions all up
Bryan is getting bowlegged in Europe
from running around to greet vari-
Gus monarchs.
If Santa Claus can restrain himself from
sticking his whiskers into the Christmas
| tree candles after they are lighted, all
may yet be well. The Claus mortality was
/ quite heavy last year
! A scientist, after much thought and
| calculation, notes that man, if he could
use his legs proportionately as fast as an
! ant, would travel somewhere about 500
miles an hour. AS we recall it, this was
about the gait we struck as boy when we
left the vicinity of that sweet apple tree
in the orchard near the big dogs house.
| Senator Hoar may satisfy his conscience
by holering fire in open session of the
party point of view.
The McCordsville, o., Exhumer notes
that Aunty Dismal Durge of Pruntysville
is visiting the Mullets family.
Strawberries. it is now said, serve as
the vehicles for germs. No strawberry
lgerms are pasturing on US at the present
ipriceS.
Marion Whitesell owns a cat 20 years
old that claims the welterweight cat
championship Of Indianapolis. He has
whipped everything within ten blocks Of
his home and his voice has a carrying
1power greater than that of any other cat
within A mile radius. AS a half brick
dodger Frank, this is the cats name is
a sine qua non. No brick has yet come
within three feet of him. Frank is
straight out, all meat and fiddlestring cat
and he offers to take on anything that
wears feline fur in Indiana.
DR.. Charles Eliot Norton says that we
ought to battle. We have had leanings to-
wards that opinion.
The January Woman's Home Companion
i says that a beautiful hand should, be long.
delicate and narrow. The skin covering it
should be very fair or of a uniform pale
color with a slightly plump back, devoid
Of protuberant veins The thumb should
reach the middle articulation of the index
finger, the latter just little lower than
the nail of the middle finger. The middle
finger should be longer than the ring
finger by half the length Of a nail, and
the little finger should stop at the second
articulation of the ring finger. We would
like to inquire what show fist like this
would have when it came to sitting two
weeks supply of ashes.
How would you like for a Christmas
present that plush case containing the
celluloid brush and comb and the celluloid
backed hand mirror? Or perhaps you
would prefer that giddy plush photograph
album that stands at an angle of As de-
grees and has glass or silver plate on
it's cover. My! If we could have a gem
like that on our center table, the stern and
merciless struggle for existence would not
have been wholly in vain. "A. J. R.