davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12

Once there was O. Voting Man with
College Education, on assortment
Of cravnts. and about s. III Real
Money. who was aniously looking for
. his Lifc Work N {; u ~ H N
He wanted to break into a learned
Profession 30 that he coti1d wear hls
q Good Clothes all OF the Time, and
Z get the Coin without working too hard
for It, III. n 5 "A H I.
Ills idea 4 OF a dignlned Snap was
4 to sit In d small Office about three
hours every Day. and have the Public 4
come In aid pass Money 10 him. The
Medical game struck him as being
about the softest Proposition OF all
He thought that ali Doc, had to do
was to lead the Mark into the Chamber
OF Horrors whero they HAYS tho Skulls 4
and the Butcher Knives. look him 4
~ over, ask d few QuestionsSltell him
to stop smoking, and then tap him
for d ". III if ss
%i So the hopeful candidate went to the
old Family Physician for few Tips.
Tho antique Medicine Man threw a
y Back Twister when he heard OF tho
{ Boys Intentions. RI 81 IN .3{
''Any one who tackles the Aescupl-j
plan Stunt Is a vitri1ed Mutt, 4 said his
w lllShCIS.sfJ IL you
ing. be d Porch Climber, or a Short
d Change Man. We now have In this
country four Medical Degrees to every
case Of TonsilItis. Most Of lls & are
kept so close to the Carpet that we
have to buy last year s Ma gaines to
a put, in the Waiting Room II a Pa
N tient dies, all OF his Friends say that
you helped to push him off, so they
undermine your Practlcesand begin to-
plug for Christian Science. II he; gets
we'll he gives you the Laugh. and
you have to go after him with a Com
sta BILE. II you acqufre@a Reputation.
they work the Night -BellEon you,Fan
IL you arrange a&DinnerS Party It's a
H cinch that some Old Lady three miss
Z away will ring In an Epileptic Eft <
A and crab your whole Evening. Nix
] the Materia Medica! Turn back before \
& It Is too late.'S a { AZ U. ~
Thereupon the Collegian@ bethought I
him OF the Law. So he went to old y
& Judge Caveat, and said he wanted to Y
start right In Reading. III
LII you can dispense with Eating
for the next Is Years, como and join
y our noble Professlon..t said the Judge u
f '''If you have got In to the Food abit.
however, and feel that you may need
Clothes now and then. take my a d "
vice and duck It's getting SO that
one cant!drop a Brick out Of a VIM
dow without hitting at least three
lawyers. The only ones who land aaro !
those that sell their Immortal Souls
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12

Thus, for example. the French tnvariab ~
|.describe particularly the America spes-
cies-as being a little .chic.' while learn
ed scientists who have devoted much time
and money to a close persona study OF
3It have been known to call It 2 n ucky
daddle.' a goosey poosey and a "lovey
dovey,-statements that are clearly ire
conclable. AL f q e ia
In appearance the stenogra pher d is Il 50
attractive that it is "a joy merely to ride
on the IL" and watch. It, early In the
morning. as It fits gaylys back into its
cage, which has been left open for Its re-
turn. It Is always young and pretty. q 8
when one gets old and Shaggard It is
shooed out OF the coop and b finds itself
in the consomme. It may be easily dis
tingulshed at, sig hit by It's having n big
ger pompadour. n smaller waist. a tg inter ter
belt and higher heels than any other crea-
5ture could achieve and live. It Is also
fond OF gay colors and rafting chains
so that you may detect It's approach from
afar by the noise 1t makes.
/ Unfortunately very little Is known n OF
the habits OF the stenograp her. except
that 1t Is easily ruffled and requires to
have its feathers frequently snlootheed7
down. A careful observer. to whom We
are indebted for much information on the
subject, declares hat as soon as a Stem
ographer enters ts cage I'M Tho morning
1T deyotes the fret hour to prlmping and
preenlng, and settling its plumage. It
then hops over to its owner desk. and,
perchng on the ledg sc. MARBLES BILE g few SOFT
notes. calculated to- make him think well
Of himself, after which It listens to him
spiel, with It's head on one side and Its
fascinating little pknot in o proximity
that makes hin, want to stroke i. AS
soon, however. MS Its bosss back Is turn
ed the stenographer begins making goo
goo eyes at all the good looking clerks,
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12

stay away from the ONCE and write
Letters to the Editor tss lSf ~
u Tho poor Youth had lust q bout
played his whole String. when he shap-s
pened to think OF the stage He " as u
#Good-Looker and knew how i to 1 wear
Clothes. and had made terrific Hits I'M
Amateur Productions he hard ened ]
Manager to whom he sent his Card \
handed him q eCako Of Ice Weighing 800
X Pounds. fi5 IA g8 81 " M KS a ss
""The Trouble with you is that you
J have been attending the University ir.-5
stead OF working OF, Spring Board
80 as It 0 4 do the Double Flip Flo y, "s
said the Rag-TIme 1mpressarlo o. * Oh
are next to the Greek " erb. all n ht,
/. but you are shy; on Buck Wing
Steps. and can't see that YOU tlavefa
n Chance In a Million. h suppos SO YOU
have studied Shakespeare. III II SO. yous
) Night Organ zAtion. n. The Lei 81 timatsS
4 Drama is now being played a d I. the
1 Whistllng Posts and Water Tanks,S
Il but not In the great Thought Centers.8
! II your voice had been cultivated In
4 Europe think I could fix { TOR y on
\ to carry a Spear, but as you have not,
K sufficient r alent to get you ! ito the
Chorus, ! suggest that you 80 do VIM
4 and play the Stock Market, g$ls
Here was an Inspiration. He would
Il 20 and ind Employmentin7 a Broker's5
4 Office and study the Quotations and
gradually pike into the World or Spec
7 ftllation He sought out a. pious old
Gambler who had made a Ton % s Mon
Ri ey8 BY never doing what he let on 4 he
was going to do. q The Veteran Flnan-
cler would not be a Party; to: the {ru ina-s
" ton OF any Good Young Man ;gSs3 N
Keep away from the Market" d heS
said. ti'All those who play tho Ticker,
n get the Solar Plexus Punch soon err or
later. This Speculation Is very demor--S
u allzing. I t has demorallzed every one
1 except me. IS i always warn z Dung Men
III to buy, nothing on Margins Buy; 81
Outright. You can do this easily fter
you've earned the first Million or two
u as a. Stenograp her. Ri y. &
n s&..There doesn't seem to be any safe
n Opening for an eager Soul with a. Jni-
versltyE Training.""2ssai ID the Grad tiate
h SSSs$s'I might Il give you U Hume on the
= "a. 3 &, said the Old &c tleman. hose
N who are very Bright often marry into
\ the families OF, Il the syulga Ri h&S thus
B acquiring the Means to go abroad ana
Y study Art ana 3atEthe same time throw
Il the Hooks Into their Native Land -
Il TIL tackle tritnony. said
q Collegt an.;s = Tha y appears to be = ho
only Field that Is not oYercrow ded. s.g q
Eg546sss NJ ORAL: Every Man Knocks his own
IL Line OF w ork, and stlcks to II u like X
n Glue. @ III 8S IN Rid
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12
S S's.;s ..,,, The Stenographer y 2:':'!'
ByD!:!!o!!!ryo.t:h!+!yI.D!!::l! I.
,'tf fe.i $40 K 4
8Copyright,t9ol

I and when not thus ployed devotess It's
self to chewing the end zof g. lead pe4ntsls.S
from which II seems to d eriye 8nuc him ems
btal3and physical sustenanc &c, S:3Ss
The steno grapher Is quite an 81 Expensive
pet, as It has "a Yora cious ppet lie and 8isf
requires to be taken out to luncfeo
where 1t devours quantities OF CHAMPAGNE
a nd lobster and other expensi I've lands
4 but no ma n Is ever ha ppy until he gets h
one OF these beautiful Features n an
ornament to his Office, SO 4 they become
an important incentive to industry. OF Of
can ono wand Ter at their popula rity.3S 90
they possess many cunning tiE chs chs.
and as they have been refull Y trained
mover to contradi let their owne r. or al
fer with him In opinion itsrelleyes a. mar
aried mans mind to conf de to his ittleH3
birdie that he Is not ppreciated o. home.sF
Thus are we again lied upon to- Tote
natures bene ncence to man. 3s n s#
Tho chief popularity Of the Steno gra--SsS
$pher Is Its beauty. Mat Is what counts
with IT.. for although when selecting one
a man generally makes e blum Al inqulrssSl
Ing how. many words III Il can do a I'll g y \,
minute ne always taxes stne$ eoou !ouhct:ts32
Another interesting characteristic Is " .S
ability to make its EN- ploye r's wi e sslo oka
like thirty cents whenever she comes
down to the office. FL This causes the We
man. & no matter how harmless 4 and dis
vertlng the Stenograp herS be, to asyearnls
Z to ring its neck on the spot. tS{s " g$3
AS a rule, the stenogra her Is pos-
sessed of much intelligence, many OF ! hem II
being able to acquire a large repertoire 90
pleasing tricks. Y but, strange to- say, Sun- ~
like the educated pig In the n, useum. they SS
can never be taught to spell or pun tuate.
# No5other city in the world has such az
fcolecton$of beautiful stenogrnp piers & as X
New York. Many OF the big office 3build-
ings are veritable ayiaries filled with III
these birds of paradise, h and N will we'll &s
repay a visit, Strange are warned. howi-5ss
ever, MOTTO attempt to stroke them. for III
tho stenographer Is seldom as tame as sit ~
ilooks itdf 49, }5itSG
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12
to the Corporations. and they get
roasted 10 hard that they cant DO
elected anything except Tinted States


to The Corporations. and they get
1 roasted 10 hard that they cant DO
elected anything except United States
Senators. The Legal Profession Is n 4
Lottery, In which there are 900 Blanks
+ to, every Prize. and the one who gets
/ the Prize usually draws d case OF Ner-1 <
vous Dyspepsia with It., and has to
live on Cereal Food. II you desire safe
and profitable Employment. learn to-
be a Bank Robbss. out don't Join the
K Starvation Brigade The Professions
are peterng out. We live In a Com
merclal x go Tho Money Makers Of
to-day are the Wise Boys who trade 4
In Produce and Manufactured
4 Staples" ~ III Al Az & u 4. 33 4 a y 4
Accordingly the Young Fellow put D
4 In an April cation with a large Whole i
sale Concern The Il High Guy called i
him In and gave him 4 Talk. ss.55 u
II you are Strong and Willing, we &
4 can start sou at $3.50 per Week, Jug
Cling boxes..",g said the Manager. Tin
ten years or so you Will be moved
up into the bookkeeping Department.
4 where YOU can get SEQ a Month"; Just
ii like finding III BE fore you decide uponid
4 Mercantile Career I may as we'll warn y
( yot, tina rs per cent. OF those who go
/ into the Business eventually t'ow up
( and the other 5 per cent. compromise
with the Trust and got what they can. +
z Tho inexperienced Kid without Capital
who tries to get a Hammer Lock- on 4
these Albright Com binations has about
MS much chance as d Chicken a t a
+ Campaigning. II you wish to sit on
y a High Stool 90 long that you grow
q fast to it5and then. at the Wtnd-Up.
4 get Floral Pillow from your Fellow
Employees " come and Join our Happy
Y Band. But, ( you are Foxy, cut out
the Mercantll Act and try some En-
&terprise 8 In which you will have q s
& Show to pull out som hing for your
q self. r, ifSs I.3i
BY this time the Assets had shriv.I
elled to bout 81, GO. and t was up to
"a the ambitious STRIPPING to get on a
Il Pay Roll, + or else begin the systematic
T Touch. ", III 5,Ss ~ 54s
Journalism looked very good to him.,
Il because It seemed toSreqllire neither,
Experience or Funds, and he could
& mould Public Opinion without Joining
( the Mouldersa Union. An OLE Timer In
9; the Business steered him away.
s8s.'Don't start into this III fe,""a he said.
S.It's only a Treadmili. and after your
Legs give out you. are dropped down
4 the Dark Chute. Besld es. your Collegt ate
& Training units you to help out on the
& Comic supplene nt Al other$t thing the
& longer you daily with Journalism, the
i less you know bout IT, The best way
I. in#which to direct q i n ewsp per is to-
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12
Thoughts On EYEGLASSES
CopyriR ht,tW3.

lacking the manliness Of young English
men, look preposterously ridiculous with
them on. I must say. however, that
glasses. Among them: IA lphonse Daudet.
fAurelien scholl, President Felix Faure,
Castor Paris; Alfred Capus. now our
most popular dramatlst. wear one; so
does Paul Bourget. but the latteris short
sighted on the right side.
"A No royalty has ever been known to wear
one, although not long ago 7 saw35a por-
trait OF the Kaiser with a single eye-glass.
~ ajT}f.ls s2ls go s3
+ America Is to be congratulated on the
absence OF single eye glasses. may
have seen one or two at the Horse Show
In New York;, but ! should not like to
trousers turned up, wearing q single eye-
glass and sucking the top OF his stick,
( but woulB be a sight forathe gods to en-
JOY. K, +, 545 j.s s5 II III
.lII believe that "a single eye glass not
only In Chicago or Kansas City. but In
Broadway. New York. and even In Boston.
would cause Americans, whose bump OF
sveneration is not highly developed, to
pass remarks not Of n particularly favor
able character on its wearer. In the West
he might be tarred and feathered, if4not
slynGhed. E One way or the other, he would
be q success there, y s N II II
{ But the most provoking, the most impu-
dent olngle eye-glass Of all Is the one
which Is worn. generally by very young
men. without strings. AS they frown
Z and wink and make the grImace unayoid-
able to the wearer Of that kind of APP
parel they seem to say; 'See what prac-
tice can do! have no string. yet
am not at all afraid OF Its falling from
my eye."8 Rich Annamltes grow their
finger nails eight and ten Inches long
to show you that they are aristocrats and
have never used their hands for any kind
Z OF work, French and English parasites
advertise their uselessness by this ex-
h!b!tion of the single eye-glass without
string. And with It OH, they eat, talk
smoke, run, laugh aAd sneeze-and It
sticks. Wonderful. simply wonderful
When you can do that you really are In
It'll" III \
When you consider the progreas that
civilization is making every day. the dis
coyerIes that are made. tile pluck and
perseverance, thnt are shown by the
pioneers Of science, by the princes Of
commerce. by the explorers of new fields
and pastures, IN your attitude for all
they HAYS done and are still doing for
the world you must not forget the we'll
groomed young man who has succeeded
In being able to wear q single eye-glass
without O. string, f @t g III
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12

u - al mean eye glasses Win OIdHC''SS
e. fixed behind the ears-is se-
lNEYSNI rious, man, man Of science. q
>-'''.'''-'-, man Of busness; at all events
a man who thinks of his comfort before
lie thinks Of his appearance. There Is Is
no non sense. no .frivolity, about him es-.
rccally II they are framed In gold. He
4 IS a steady man, somewhat prosaic and
even matter-of-fact. If he is young
\ man and wears them. you may conclude
Z that he means to succeed and always .loSk
On the serious sido OF life, He IS no
( TOP. n no lady-killer. but man whose
I affections can be relied on, and who ex-
4 poets a worn to love him for the ,quali-
ties OF his mind and the truthfulness of
his heart, s;j \, rs 53
Next TO a solid gold watch and chain.
X pair Of gold spectacles are the best
testimony Of respectabiity;-then comes
q sound umbrella.
The man who wears his glasses half
way down his nose Is 4 a sshreWd man Of
n business who ever bears In mind that
time Is money Thus placed. his eye
classes enable him to read a letter OF gin-5
PRODUCTION, and. above them. to observe
and read the character Of tho person WI
4 has presented 1t to him. Lawyers zen
orally wear them that way, and they sci,
dom fail to have their desks so placed
that they can have their backs to the
/. window, while their clients o.. callers are
seated opposite. In the full l'sht OF inc
nay, KIN
Old gentleman wear their eyeglasses
on tho tin Of their noses when they read
their newspaper. beca use It enables them
10 recline In their armchars ana assume
. more comfortable position, Ii 55
n The single eye-glass was originally
worn by people whose eyes were differ
ent, In order to remedy the defective one.
x To-day 1t may be asserted that, out Of 9
hundred men who wear single eye lasses,
ninety-nine see through-7the other one
Y The single eye-glass Is tolerable III 9
4 man of a certain age who Is both clever
4 and distingue looking, John Bright, WITH
his fine white mass OF hair and lntell'-
gent firm yet kind, expression, look cd
4 Beautiful with his eye glass OH, Lord
I3ea confield looked we'll 4 too, with one.
no Mi. Joseph Chamberlain, With his
turned-up nose and sneering smile, and
his jaw, ever ready to snap, i adds imT
pudence, 3Sl m 23S$5
When, a man loaks silly. the slngle eye--
llass finishes him and makes hlm look
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12
By MAX O'RELL.

like dwelling idiot. II. besides. he Is
very young. It gives you an Irresistible
desire to smack his face or pull his nose.
The single eye glass originated In Eng
land, but It is now worn In France quite
as much especially by young dudes. who.
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12
nCHAs. a. NxwTuN, !.
"Yordmkster, 8. +. Co.. Sacto.W

snd Diabetes are inourable, bur 81 per cept arc
positively recovering under The Fulton Com.
pounds, lConmon FORMS OF kidney complaint
aud rhouina tism offer but short Resistance,
Price, 81 Tor the Bright's Disease and tl.6O TOR
tbe Disbetic Compound. John ], Fulton CO., sal
Montgomery. ST., San francisco, sole com PIP
s poupders Free tests made for patients. Do.
soriptiye pamphlot mailed free, q XII i3il5
owens "a Minor Drpa Coz Distributors,
The times dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1903-1914, 1903-04-12

HE man who wears spectaclcs-l
mean eye. glassses with branches
fixed behind the ears-is a Sc
rious, man. a man Of science, q
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

Arrangements have been com
pleted by the members Of the
faculty Of the Missouri agricul-
tural college at Columbia to
make o study OF Missouri soils
during next years session.
Their origin, formation, distribu-
ton and fertility will first be
taken up and thon attention will
be directed TO the best methods
OF fertilization, to plant breeding
and cultivation, and finally to
the harvesting and disposition
OF crops, The aim is to make
the students in tue agricultural
college familiar with the soil
they must cultivate.
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

a movement has been started
for the formation Of d new coun-
ty from the counties of Galloway
and Boone, with New Bloomfield
as the county seat, says the
Clinton Tribune. a petition is
being circulated, which viii be
presented 70 the next legislature,
TO have the people of the counties
effected by the proposed change
to vote on the proposition Of
creating the new county.
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

The Second hand coffin" is no
longer a joke, but q reality in
Missouri. The supposed corpse
Of George LittIeton was buried
lately in the Rushville cemetery
by an Atchison undertaken. 1t
being discovered later that the
body was not Littleton's the
undertaken dug it up, threw it
into a fence corner and took the
coffin back to his "dead shop"
with the purpose of using it
again. The DeKalb Tribune,
which is published in sight OF
the RushviIle cemetery, is re
sponsiblc for this story.
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

Twenty-Five hundred square
feet will be required in which TO
exhibit in the Missouri Worlds
Fair Building the States news.
papers. This does not include
other exhibits of the States hiss
tory and literature. 1t is figured
that the file OF each Missouri
newspaper for the year Of 1903
will occupy, when properly
bound, an average Of two square
feet and that there will be 1000
or more periodicals on exhibition.
The Publication Department un-
der which these will be CLASH.
fed will probably occupy position
in the eastern exhibit room, to
the left of the main entrance into
the grand rotunda. This is the
first time in all the history of
expositions that adequate recog.
milton will have been accorded
the great profession of Journal
ism.
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

The Howard County Adver-
tiser says that a company com.
posed Of fifty Fayette business
men has been formed to promote
the interests Of the mineral well
recently bored in that city. The
well flows about 5000 gallons Of
sulpho-saline water per hour and
is quite popular for medicinal
purposes. The company has a
paid up capital OF $1,000.
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17
he Nevada Mail takes a shot

The Nevada Mail takes a shot
Mt the humorous papers who are
favorable to Circuit Attorney
Joseph W. Folk for Governor,
by calling them 'little out.of.
tune organs" Wen, we confess
they arc a little out of tune as to
the "boodle" element, and they
do not foil in with Sam Cooks
idea Of "honest bribery" or
Speeds $500 check game,
but the Mail can bet $500 that
they win wiold an influence in
the gubernatorial campaign of
1904 which will cause the Mail
to assume a high rate OF Speed
to catch. The facts are, the Mail
doesn't know where it stands
on the Governorship, and there
arc several other Sam Cook or.
gans with broken keys who are
in the same boat.
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

The Higbee News puts it this
way: "Aftar his disclosures in
the Cardweil and Speed-Lyons
cases it would be worse than
suicidal for tho Democratic party
to renOminatc Sam Cook, let
alone nominate him for Governor.
The Republicans would sweep
the state like a prairie fire, and
may do it any way unless a good
clean man, free from machine
Influences, is nominated"
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

Bowen Bros, OF Windsor, coal
mine operators who have leased
all the best coal lands in the
southern part of Johnson coun-
ty and the northern part Of
Horny county, are moving the
dwelling houses from their mines
at Lewis to a point about mid
way between Lection and Windsor
and viii soon have a village Of
their own. Ii is expected that
800 men viii be employed when
tAe works are in fan blast.
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

Let the clay plant and brick
mandatory come and develop
as quickly as possible. Paving
brick are getting 10 DO u necess.
ity in Versailles, Brick walks
are going down in all parts of
town, and every thousand brick
is costing the property owner
Sl5. 90. Better brick at a much
cheaper price can be manufac.
tured right here at home. Cap
italists need have no fear of in.
vesting in IN industry Of this kind
an Morgan County. 1t will pay
big dividends
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

A team hitched to o binder
ran away neal Salisbury Friday
and cut eight rounds of wheat
before the horses ran themselves
down. The farmer who owns
the animals is authority for the
statement that when the other
horses at work in the field saw
what good work the runaways
had done they nearly joshed
them to death.
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

A county superintendent in a
neighboring county asked every
teacher who tooa ,he local paper
or county paper TO hold up his
or her hand, and out of one hun.
dred only six responded. The
superintendent expressed great
surprise and SAID: "You don't
spend a dollar a year with your
papers, yet you expect them to
priny free Of charge notices of all
Institutes, insert long programs,
thus advertising and assisting
you to climb the ladder to better
salaries without u cents expense
in return"
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

h smooth North Missouri cdi.
tor worked n scheme on his de
linQucnt subscribers recently.
"All my subscribers bat one have
paiA up in advance" he wrote,
and about 4 hundred ashamed to
br that one, dropped in and
settled mp.
Morgan County democrat. (Versailles, Mo.) 1900-1906, 1903-07-17

The La family had a reunion
at RayvilIe last week, and that
section was full of Hills, big hills,
little hills, and all sorts and sizes
and conditions OF hills, and the
reports indicate that there were
more than two in a hill.