River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1903-11-19
Of the Surname of Smidt
BY WILLIAM PERRY BROWN
Copyright, 1903. by DAILY story Pub. Co,

50 bad, yet allied to the surname of
Smidt, the combination grew irritating.
When the boys at school called him
'Hammy" he would quarrel and even
fight.
AS he progressed towards manhood
these perversities grew until the very
sight of ham on bill of fare, though
connected with eggs, of which, when
well DONE" he was fond, inclined him
to vegetarianism for days thereafter.
Once, deeply in love, one vital Crisis OF
his life was dolefully precipitated by
his hearts idol through this sometime
ingrained idiosyncrasy of his sensitive
soul
Having about bankrupted himself be-
tween the theater and private supper
room in the SWEETEST of cafes, what was
his dismay when Agnes insisted not
only on this, to him, excruciating dish
for both, but preceded it with raw
hamburger sandwich for herself.
Better try one, too" she urged. Il
am so dyspeptic, DR.. Seymour orders it
for me when | am to eat late suppers.
Ever notice his beard? Cousin Dolly
DeAl lIOOl4 says lhClC - OOIhCIhAh5 NJ
motto about vandyke beard" Smidt
bolted a little of the hamburger and
minced at the broiled ham, but his man
ner was such that Agnes felt dubious.
IF he doesn't like what like now"
she thought, "how long after we are
married will he continue to like me?"
While thus beclouding her own fem
mime conceptions her lover gloomily
eying her, arranged with himself to
propose ring the dessert stage.
Il will give him one more chance to
brighten up" she thought, and ordered
Hamburg grapes" together with
Hamlet punch"
This last strange compound, instead
of the usual modicum of filtered coffee,
was her special concession to watt
Hammy out of the doldrums by appeal
ing at once to the only poetic part of his
name observable through microscope,
and thus exhilerate him into good hui
NOR again. Alas! 1t proved the final
straw to her already overstrained pa
thence. He saw only further trial of
his endurance, took peach and honey"
for himself, winking boldly at the know
ing waiter, drank desperately, offered
himself in a suffering, boisterous, I'M
natural way, and was refused with a
hauteur that turned his whole internal
economy to bitterest gall in an instant.
Through an open door just then was
seen a handsome man wearing van
dyke beard and the well-bred air of one
used to having largely his own way with
hn fol 9th Of Il
constituency whenever he chose to ex-
ert himself. While Smidt still sulked
Agnes, womanlike, swept instantly to
a further revenge for nothing in par
ticular, by rising, leaving her unhappy
sutton, and joining the handsome man
without.
Dam Seymour" groaned Hammy as
he saw them disappear. Thought
she loved me, little; but what chance
has poor. common man, named Ham
Smidt, against dude doctor, named
Seymour, with a hypnotic beard. be-
lieve I'll die-extinguish myself"
Here came the waiter with the bill
and for his tip. When poor Smidt had
satisfied these claims he had not enough
change left to buy poison with. Sey-
mour had relieved him of Agnes. Death.
should relieve him of the name Ham
Smidt, and transfer his misery to Agnes
and the hypnotic beard. Suicide and a.
stylish funeral! Remorse would haunt
the authors of his despair, or at least
Agnes; for the beard had not mesmer-
lied him, unless with disgust She
would attend his funeral, perhaps in
tears, therefore he must be buried in
style-great style.
AS he morbidly dwelt on this idea for
days death seemed terrible only as it
lacked eclat. A patrician horror of
cheap collins, tawdry trimmings and an
unappreciative undertaken associated
itself in his mind with sort of potters-
fieldian forgetfulness on the part of Ag-
mes. How else could she be made to feel
what she had missed, so pointedly as
by posthumous display that should. as
it were, invest the memory of what she
had lost with the most splendid aroma
of sour grapes possible on the savings of
moderate salary.
But the very difficulties even stimu-
lated endurance, and as Agnes, possibly
surnamed Seymour, grew in his minds
eye, he really felt exhilerated at times.
so strangely complex are men and mo-
tives, when egotism allows folly to as
sist in tweaking Conqueror Cupids
nose Still the delays were wearying.
and it was a great relief when he had
so fixed" matters that he could call
a fairly gorgeous burial casket" and
"shroud" practically his own. Mere
collins. clothes and undertakers were
by this time so associated in his mind
with an ordinary, spare-dug grave,
that a rented vault, as suggested by the
funeral director" soon allied itself
with the other more impressive Access
series essential to his deep revenge. in
Guiding also the sad visaged shopman's
up-to-date designation of himself So
fond he grew of these rather grewsome
pursuits that he had the casket set up
endways in his room, whereat his
friends wondered at his behavior.