The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1903-02-15
SLIPPING Il PEAL PRISON?

- q 49,
phrase hashe. over me-then 1 laugh like a man
in the midst Of a battle
Another day Of raw torture. 1t is like toilinE
up a mountain side; and your limbs are of lead.
Il is Ike struggling In a nishtmare-that is Just
what it is Ike. II Is sickening. !
But then you dare not stop. II Is hard TO go
on. but il is ten times as hard to start II you
stop. y,
Line by line. page by page. I do it. I am
counting the lays now, wonaer n
ing of 1.-THE planning and designing Some
times / brood over 1t for hours-I cannot find
what l want: and then suddenly a phrase flashes
over me and like a train Of gunpowder my
thought goes running onAleaping. flying: and
then the whole thing is plain as day. And I
hold 1t all living in my hands.
1 am coming to the last scenes I hear thert
rumblins In my s~oul-far, far of-l!ke a distansy!
/ am coming. step by step: I mean to fight IL
out on this line.
From the time that I began The Captive it has
been almost two months: 1t II Just six weeks
from the DAY I wrote that I had ten or twelve
weeks In which to finish. / have done wen
hnanciaily-I have twenty-one dollars left. and I
have paid for nv typewritinR.
Oh. the 10Y Of being out In the woods! I never
knew Of It before-I never dreamed i!
II Is better than an orchestra. To be able to
stretch your arms! To have . place to waikiki
To be able IN talk aloud Ia laush-to shout
to do what you p!eese!-to be free from Ill men.
and the thought OF all men!
Twenty-eight lines to-day! I had more. but
I lost them. and then I fell down.
There 10 always a new height. but there are
not always new words Ny verse grows more
and more incoherent. and more and morn daring.
I can feel the difference OF a whole lifetime be-
tween 1t now and what 1 wrote ten weeks ago.
oh. le. not any man read what ! wrote this
morning. except he stand upon the heEhts!
.. July 49,
I wrote that at 8 o'clock this morning. anaf
then I lay back and laughed and sobbsd. and ID
the end ! fell asleep In the chair. !
I was not iil-my relief was so great. I was
only happy. I Law back and closed M eyes. I
have born my child.
1t Is done! It !. lone! I realize Il. and then
I an like . crazy person. oh. God. ] am so
happy!
And q sudden Wild longing has come over
me for the city. I must take all the world into
my srms-I am 30 happy-I love it 20!
All. ! have done It! ! have done I'll I am
free! Free! FREE!
90 forth. oh my perfect song!
SEEKING A PUBLISHER.
July ST have certainly played . bold game
with nv poem. At the publishers az last-and I.
having b nsc Ps,a my roo" rent have Jul" a dollar IN
July W-what will they write me about It, I
picture to myself all the emotions Of a publisher
when no discovers q poem like that! All yes,
good publisher. I have scanned your lists for
mary months back. but you have published Moth
ing like The Captive.
And then I shall taste my hrst drop Of success.
July 1s-Still another day. and no news from
the publishers. The time 10 nearly up-I cam :
not wait much longer.
They have rejected The Captive! They have re-
jeeted This Captive! In Gods name. what does 1t
mean7 They have rejected The Captive!
I have spsnt hours to-nisht pacing III. streets.
almost speechlesS. Fools!
This was but the beginning OF his expert
cnce with the publishers-an experience last
ing eleven months. In which period the man.
uscript was rejected by a dozen houses to
whom he submitted 1t. The conflicting mo-
tons which assailed him., the hopes. the
doubts. the anxious fears, the anger OF dis
appointment. the despair Of final failure, are
depicted with q graphic detail AT length.
wearied and hungry in soul and body.
racked In mind, despairtng Of realizing the
ambition to which he had sacrificed every
thing. Stirling decides to end his life. He
discusses the step In his journal:
July u.
1 have just 20 cents left in my pocket. The
rent OF this room Is up on June 9Th. and the
money will last me until then s.
On June sth 1 am going to die.
To-day l went to the publisher'A saids
ION June 9Th 1 am going out of town. oGriIh
humor. thstD On June sth you will have h3&
the manuscript three weeks and more. / shalt4
nave to ask you to have a report by that date. or
to return It to me now." He said, ''You shall }
have the report"
II they will publish the poem. I shaIl wait. Il
not. l shall die On June eth That 10 settled.
July q. o..
I wait to hear from the publisher merely As q
matter Of duty. / have never had the least idea
that he will take the book
1 have made up my mind to drown myself.
There is no mess about it and men do not have
to know Of 1t.
1 have often read Of murder cases. They tie
q rope around the body and . stone To the ropea
but the stone slips out. or the rope veara and
then 1t IL unpleasant. I used to say they were
fools: why did they not get a dumbbell or some
thing like that, and a small chain. Then there
would have been no trouble.
When 1 thought Of that I smiled grfmly. ! am
living on dry bread. and saving my money to
buy q dumbbeIl and a chain on Friday.
July a.
have no fear Of oblivion. I have no thoughts
about It. There are no thoughts in Oblivion
The days when thou vert not. did they troubled
thee? The days when thou art not shall TROUBLED
thee as much"
I have made up my mind that I will get sums}
work this morning. or sell my coat. or some
thing. I will 20 out into the country. I will
be alone with Him tonight. I win fling OF
every chain that has bound me. I will fling of
the world. I will fling of pain. I will fling OF
health. / will say. Burst thyself. brain! Rend
thyself, body. as thou wilt!-but I will 80 my !
God tonight before I der
I have been to the publishers. They gave me
back The Captive. 1T is DONE"