The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1903-08-23

4 pseudonymous journalist. who calls
himself Montague Vernon Ponsonby,
Esq.," has written a most amusing
volume on his American observations,
which he calls The Preposterous
Yankee" Mr. "Ponsonby" declares in
his preface that he is "a candid friend
OF the United States, not an enemy"
though he admits that some of the
things he has written sound so dis
agreeable that he is almost ashamed
to have penned them. Uncle SAM"
he says, paints himself as a full
grown man with whiskers. This Is
a fallacy. He is a very raw. gawky
youth, and he might better be called
Nephew Sam % After declaring in
his opening chapter that the Amer
lean is free only in the Declaration of
Independence" the writer goes on to
describe in detail the manners and
customs of the Yankee as he found
him. Here is his account of how
business man goes to lunch in New
York:
After he has sat half-baked in his
oven-like office for three hours, he
suddenly jumps up. and exhibits all
the symptoms of a mailman bent on
escaping from his cage. With a wild
scramble he seizes his unhrushed hat.
puts on an overcoat made of a sort
of shoddy felt, and, before it is fairly
on, is rushing through the corridors
70 he xyI1i haS
just passed his floor, to stop for him.
Half dazed, Gisheveled, frantic, and
hysterical, he arrives on the ground
floor. An Englishman who saw this
performance would be inclined to sup
pose that the performer was a de-
faulter escaping with all the availa-
BILE assets of the bank. But he would
be mistaken. 1t is simply the presi-
dent of one of the largest financial
in New York going out for
his lunch. Like a lion or other wild
beast. the now thoroughly aroused man
dashes along Broadway. He darts,
with the air of something that is be-
ing hunted, into a sort of cellar, a
den that has not been ventilated since
last summer. in which pie-the Amer
lean national dish-sandwiches. hash,
crullers, and all sorts of viands in
vented by the dyspepsia doctors, are
displayed in large bowls. With the
avidity of the shipwrecked sailor who
has seen no food whatever for at least
three weeks the banker grabs a hand
full of pie, and stuffs il into his mouth.
Evidently he is panic-stricken at the
thought that the pie will be taken
from him before he can get away with
it. The observer imagineS that a ca
blegram has suddenly reached Wall
street announcing that a blockade will
occur that evening, and by the fol-
lowing day there will be nothing lef.
in the whole of the United States for
hungry bankers to eat Having made |
away with as much as he will hold, |
and packed it into himself very much |
as commercial traveller squeeZes |
three gallons of shirts and socks into |
a two-gallon dress-suit case, the eyes |
of the banker suddenly bulge out with |
a strange alarm. 1t has occurred to |
him that while he has been gorgfng /
himself the trusted cashier of the bank |
has probably bolted with all the mon |
ey. In a wild way he pays his bill, |
and starts on a sort of steeplechase |
back to his cage There. frequently. |
he finds, TO his satisfaction, that both |
the cashier and the money are still |
there
The writer also declares that the |
New Yorker is never completely sat /
isfied unless he is making noise of |
some sort. He adds:
His tramways are fitted with enor- |
nous gongs, which clang with nerve
shattering force from morning till /
night His fire engines, which are con-
tinually on the run, bound to put out /
fires, are fitted with large |
bells. Even the ambulance, which is /
taking a dying man to the morgue-
for the Americans are so practical /
that if a man is dying, they do not |
send him to a hospital, but dispatch /
him to the dead-house-is fitted with |
large bells. Everywhere the New |
Yorker is to be heard shouting, ring |
ing, and making as loud a clamor as
he can. The New York gentleman az |
hicted with a low, gentle voice would |
be an absolute social failure. In hotels, |
and public places, in the
aires or at dog-fghts, the New York
sr is to be heard talking in loud, rau-
cous tones about himself and his mon
ey. Every tenth, eleventh, and twelfth |
word is dollars. dollars. dollars The |
nico's with a friend, on taking his seat
at a table, shouts out to him, glaring
around at the other diners to see If
they are listening: I have just gone
into a million-dollar deal Thu
he converses for the rest of the even
ing about diamonds, real estate, and
stocks and bonds"
A certain percentage of Americans,
he declares, take a keen delight in
looming ridiculous costumes and
strutting about like escaped monkeys
from a barrel-organ, under the idea
hat they are thereby enjoying great
glory and distinction, 10 the envy Of
leighbors:
when a man is elected governor Of
IN American State, be it for two years
,r for one, he at once appoints a herd
IF third-rate politicians as members
Of his staff. Most OF them are al
owed TO bear the title Of colonel, even
( they do not know on which side OF
their absurd selves to hang their
swords The costumes of the MEM
oers of the governors staff are Won
jerfIIl and GORGEOUS USUALLY the hat