Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1903-07-18
REALLY AND TRULYFAT

| lLc SQH-DEOWneu ana SSa-SpTay warped
straw hat SIS she fat? Far he it from
me to come right out and express an opin-
| ion as to that. But she is about five feet
and one-sixteenth of an inch high and
! weighs between 1s5 and 100 pounds so that
you may draw your own conclusions-I'm not
daring to go on record as to the point my
self. She weighed ninety-seven when We
were married-that was some several tides
ago-and at that time she used to express
her longing to be plump and partridge-like.
But that, as I say, was more moons ago
than either OF us cares to bark back to.
For several years past she has been going
up against all OF these How to Take on
Forty Pounds in Twenty Minutes and
.Leanness Made Easy and Regain Your
Sylph-like Form and Why Be P-h-a-t?
prepare tons. but the only effect they have
upon her Is. as she expresses 1t, to make
her bigger than all outdoros.' The last
obesity treatment she tried was that alter
mating kissengen and vichy salts PROPOSE
ton, but after she had been obliged to let
out several reefs in her waists and skirt
bands she passed that one up. too, as she
had all Of the rest. Candor compels me to
say that like most of the other adipose
women who banker to get thin. she has
tried every last one Of the treatments ex-
cept the one which requires fat folks to
stop eating three heavy meals per diem.
with q pound or so Of chocolates thrown in.
and which makes it mandatory for the re-
g11eve to say that my wife takes the car If
she wants to travel from 9th and + to 9th
and the avenue.
But l started to speak of my continuous
performance job of assuring her that she
isn't what you might really call honest
lnJun. cross-your- heart stout. For In
stance. when were walking the street.
and she sees, coming from the opposite di-
rectlon, woman who is really much less
stout than she is, she nudgeS me, and asks
me questions like these:
For mercys sake. am such sight
as that woman
Tell me honestly now do waddle like
she does?'
pity sakes alive. haven't more of
walstllne than she has-please tell me hon
est!
If 1 thought 1 was as fat and slom-
| icky-looking that woman, don't know
what I'd do-am l.?
Do you think I shall ever become so
perfectly stodgy and dumpy as she is?'
Did you ever see such dispropor-
uonate woman in all your born days?-is
my face SO enormous and have l jowls-
that s all they are-jowls-like she has?'
And SO on. And Of course l have to
scramble to the front every time and reply
to her interrogations just the way she
wants me to reply to em-she's a sensitive
woman. and L wouldn't want her to feel
any worse about her robustness than she
already does for anything in the world.
And. of course, I've got to keep up the mild
little deception when. after dinner. she sits
AL my zap, DIS NuOSt wives
SIT In their husbands laps after dinner.
Sometimes. when that happens, I'm pretty
nigh scrunched right through the chair. but
I've got to keep my grin Of contentment a
worktng-I wouldn't for any money let her
know that she was benumbing me from the
waist down. There have been times,
though. when have felt compelled to shift
! about just teenchy bit SO as to ease my
position under these circumstances, and at
such times. quick as a flash. she looks at
me Searchingly, and asks me- I am not
too heavy for you, am ~ or something like
that. and then it's up to me to chuckle in
an Onhand sort of way and say, The very
idea Of such thing" or something COM
fortfng of that sort.
But she went up against the catastrophe
down on the boardwalk the other evening
wed been at the beach for about a week
and my wife was perfectly certain that the
saltwater bathing was reducing her amaz-
tngly. She said that all of her clothes felt
loose on her, and her delight over her be-
llet That she was losing flesh rapidly was
extreme.
IN going to let one of those board
walk weight guesSers guess my weight this
evening, she said to me one day and I was
rather glad that she gave me the tip in ad-
vance. because l didn't really believe my
self that she was losing any weight and
l didn't want to have any gloom cast over
her trip. So. on that evening l deposited
her in a pavilion, and told her that | was
going across the boardwalk to get a smoke
and would be back in a minute l crossed
over 10 where one Of the weight guessers
was presiding over his scales and / slipped
him a quarter.
III be bringing a lady over here In 2
re-" minutes, said l to the weight guesser.
aho l want you to let her down easy see?
one sensitive about her weight and YOU
can let her out with about fifteen pounds
unuer what she really weighs, understando.
or course he understood. He was one
1 ~ s,lese chaps VINO announces that if he
ooesn guess within three pounds of your
weight you need not pay him the nickel.
winch he exacts if his guess is within the
t .hhree-ppund limit. and the scheme of all OF
thoSe boardwalk weight guessers Is a
frame-up. They always keen one OF Tb.,r
hands on the scales, you'll notice. and. by
means or the slightest pressure one waV or
lle other. they can always make YOUR
"eisht come within the three pounds nee
essary for them to snag out their nickal
Well L returned to the pavilion where
my wire was. and. after few minutes
suggested to her that now would be good
tilhe lot her to get weighed and find out
now much she had lost since her arrival az
the seashore. 90 at
On, yes, come on right now she SAID
,.,ait shtediy. and steered her over to the
"eignt SuesSer whom l had fixed
The weight guesser looked har o,,.r
caieluily scratched his head for minute
and said: Ao'
It's mighty hard to guess the us;e,h.
or ladies' when they are so perfectly mo
poruoned and symmetrical but--lemme SEQ
snoulu say mat you weigh about l76
pounds ~
:, My wife was in a perfect blaze of de-
ilght as she sat into the hanging scales
The weight suesser kept his hand on the
rim OF the scales, as usual, and applied
the proper pressure, and when he said
Just III pounds, my wife looked happier
all over than I'd seen her for a long
time. e
=" There she exclaimed triumphant,v
What did l tell you? And I was weighed
the day before we left Washington and |
weighed 1S9 pounds-so I've lost lust -
pounds down here-isn't that perfectly gor
geous.
1T sure is said I. pleased to see her
SO tckled, and then passed along the
boardwalk. my wife continuing to cheer
fully comment on the rapidity with which
she was losing her superfluous tissue
Then the calamity occurred. We passed
by one OF those new Observation-Disclosures
slot-and-hear- e-phonograph call your
weight contraptiOns. The barker for the
machine was calling out:
Get weighed. ladies and gents, on the
most exact scales earth Hear your
weight to a fraction of a grain called off
by human voice. 1t weighs anything
from button to barrel OF bilge water
get next"
I'm just going to have that phono-
graph thing weigh me and verify that pair