The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1903-02-24
THE MODERN FABLE OF THE MAN

Russell.)
Once there was a weIl-meaning Soul
who was handicapped b. a true and
lasting Friendship.
Sometimes he suspected that if he
could be left to himself. he would strug-
gle along from one SATURDAY Night to
another and keep out of the Way Of the
Cars. and possibly extract some Joy
from this life in his own simp,e RUE
Fashion.
But every time he turned around.
Friend was right there to tell him hat
10 do.
Friend was somewhat Of d Shell-Fish
In the regulation of his own Private
Affairs bat he knew just how to man
age tor some one else.
So he used to tell the Victim where
to have his Clothes made. and ne would
pick out MS Shirt Patterns for him, and
tell him how often he needed a Drink
and in other ways relieve hin OF all Re
sponsibiLties-
If the poor Mark wanted to remain
I'm his Room and read something by
William Dea Howells. the Friend
ToUId compel him To put on his l. w
Front and so out to Il War-Dance and
meet A Bunch of KioOdles who wore
No. 6 Hats and talked nothing but
Piff1e.
The Friend was always making Bus
iness Engagements for him and then
letting him know about it later on
And sometimes Friend would t!y TO
choke hum and take his Money away
Frnn him md inypSr If in some hin
Enterprise that was going to pay a 40
per cent. Dividend every 80 Days.
Friend always meant well, at that.
When he selected the Girl that the
Victim was to marry. he was prompted
by the most unselfsh Motives. Not
withstanding which. the Victim did the
tall Duck
a Policeman found him hiding under
a. Bridge and asked. Are you a Fugi-
tive from Justice?"
NO" was the Reply. This is mere
Is a case of Friend"
Moral: They never seem to be prop
erly Thankful for all that we do in
their Behalf.
THE MODERN FABLE OF THE go
POUND KNIGHT ERRANT AND
HIS LADY FAIR.
Once there was an Estimable Lady
named Mrs. KilljOy who used to hunt
for Trouble with a Search-Warrant.
She was not happy unless she was BE-
ing Insulted. Before any one cnlrpei
she knew that she was going to have
Bricks thrown at her Character.
Mrs. KiIljoy held to the obsolete
Theory that Man was put into tbs
Mundane Trouble Factory to protect
weak and ~defenseless Woman from all
6lurs. Sights and Insults. That is why
she picked out for her True Knight an
undevelOped Specimen about the size
of a Philadelphia SQUAD, with four
inch BiCeps.
His steady Assignment was to fight
her Battles. Mrs. Killjoy was one OF
those Sensitive Plants who could not
get INTO d Trolley without having some
one rudely Stare at her. She always
suspected that the He-Saleslnen in the
Stores were trying to make Love to her
and if any Man happened to be walk
ing behind her on the same side of the
Street. she knew that she was being
Pursued.
Are you going to sit here and allow
your Wife TO be Insuited?"
Tha was the Speech she would hand
him when they were out together. Then
1t was up to him to call some 200-pOund-
er Or else be prepared to lie awake half
the Night and listen to the Story of
her Wrongs.
Sometimes he suspected that she
wanted to realize on his Life Insurance.
His usual Play was TO promise to be
an Avenger. Then ne would hunt VI
the Person who had grossly insulted
Mrs. Killjoy and apologize in her behalf
and say that she was a trife Dippy.
What Mrs. Killjoy needed was a Hus-
band in a full Sui of Armor Mounted on
4 White Horse and thirsting for Blood.
She had read the wrong kind of Books.
Husband knew that she would stack
him up against it sooner or later.
Sure enough. one Day he found her In
Tears and learned that the Man deliT-
ering the Coal had been Impertinent
and had failed to remove MS Hat while
speaking to- her. She wanted to know
II Mr.. Killjoy was a Man or a Mouse
and that settled it. He went out to
roast the Teamster and she followed
along TO GIOat.
The Teamster was a LOw-Brow with
q 4S-InCh Chest and he did not know n
thing about the Henry OF Navarro Bus
mess. He grabbed Mr.. Killjoy and
busted the Bin with him.
While the Sufferer was IN the Hos
pital, waiting for the Bones to join,
Mrs. Kiljoy sat beside him and said,
LAS soon as you are we'll enough TO be
around. you must hunt him up and
shoot him."
81 will" sad the ray Knight" if 1
can get one OF those Sandy Hook Guns
that will carry six Miles"
Moral: In these Days, Chivalry must
wear a Tag or it will not be Recog-
nlZed.
THE MODERN FABLE OF WHAT IS
III A NAME UNDER CERTAIN
CONDITIONS.
Once there was a Main Sqeeze Of a
Business Concern who had a faithful
Man Friday.
The Understrapper kept the Books
and stalled off the and
when there was nothing else to do he
would go out Collecting. Every Morn
ing at S he was buckled down to Work.