The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1903-11-08
Where Are You Co
ing My Pretty Maid q
w |
|ELsslSI
By z d win c. Hill

- 81
! ~ | goriila-though we blush at the
L.- thought Of 1t and close our eyes
kSLS9i and cling to the dear old Genesis
fctions concerning family trees
emerged from his nightly nap with
the cave bears, swinging the trunk OF
young tree in the first Joy Of living. tn
Dinosaurs. the plesiosaurus and other comely
ana gentle-natured pets OF that interesting
era uphfted their great heads. sixty feet OF
more, and heard without percepdble emotion
hoarse. gutteral grunts from the first man
They were not gifted with foresight. these
charming contemporaries Of the grunter,
or they would have stepped a matter of ten
miles or more and made light breakfast off
him. In their primitive way they passed
over the incident as one too trivial to inter-
fere with their daily demonstrations OF the
falsity OF that which came to be mathe-
NAUTICAL axiom-the container must be great
err than the thing contained. They were
obsivious to the mighty significance OF those
coarse laryngal disturbances. Poor things,
they little knew that the noises which con-
veyed nothing to them was History stirring
IN its cradle; the signal for their death
agonies. harbinger of another order Of
things
The first man was not given to speech.
Contact with unsOeiable monsters had
taught him that silence was merely another
rame for safety. Neither was he prone to
burst forth into song, for there was little
IN that dreary day TO inspire lyrics. Con-
versation was not only unborn art, but
there had been no one TO converse with
save creatures whose only reply a jest
would have been the extinction OF the jest
er through the natural processes of diges-
ton. Ii is true, and it must be confessed,
that he was a very rude. vulgar person
every one knows that rudeness and vul-
sarity are much more ancient than c0ur-
tesy and refinement, else why the singularly
wide diffusion of the former traits through
all agesD and much given TO emitting inn
polite noises: yet, in the dawn of that far
away day, the first man knew what he was
shout fairly well. much better than some
Of his descendants were to know in similar
circumstances. The sounds that came from
his black, thick lips were not nasty, phys
Zeal explosions. In addition to being the
first he had the honor of being the
first philologist so these grunts as a mat
Ger OF fact, being purposeful, were lingual
elements; here were the first words of Ian
guage. 1t Is overpowering to realize that
upon these barbarous chuckles were erected
the Aryan tongues, and from them the grace
ful Greek. the masterful Roman the subtle
Egyptian, the couTtly French, the sturdy
German. the manful Saxon-so many more
that none but dusty, musty old school
man could give them all-but there is no
proof absolutely to the contrary. and it
looks only fair that the first man should
have the credit To be entirely accurate,
however, with just regard for the facts,
Primus Homo was not just then upon a
labor Of learning. He did not know, and
IL may be asserted with reasonable prob
ability. he did not care a rap that he was
laying the foundation of language. He was
about his own business, responding to the
very frst instinct of living things, looking
after No 1. The grunts sprang from full
heart They were a peculiar composite of
amazement, Joy. comprehension and guile
The first man had seen something which
called for a rearrangement Of hts faculties
With the very first instincts of chivalry it
came to him that hs could not use his club;
! therefore. another method OF conquest must
be devised. Over the surface Of his smooth,
unmarked brain matter convolution ap-
peered-faint, shallow. but still an unmis-
taxable convolution-the footprint of the
were not pretty they did not SAVIOR of a
madrigal. no hint of music was contained
! In their rough notes. but they had this
merit-they went as straight as his never
failing club to their mark
1t is not at all astonishing that the first
man was making ass OF himself that
fair morning in the eyes of the unthinlking
10
the right thing because the second man and
the twentieth man and the one-thousandth
man and tho ten-millionth man and the
three-blllionth man all did the same thing
under relatively the same circumstances
The first man had seen the first woman
and there is nothing more to be said as to
what actuated him The only astonishing
thing about the whole business was that the
dinosaurs. usually wids-awake creatures.
did not see her first and in their usual
coarse way OF dealing with strangers. eat
her before the first man began to practice
upon her. But the dinosaurs failed to take
advantage OF their opportunity and Destiny
gave them up to the slaughter Where the
first woman came from is not material;
she vas probably the daughter of some
ape who had piled up enough cocoanuts
and culture to elevate the family above
the common herd, and had begun to nose
for the nobility. 1t was easy enough in
those days to find lord. because there was
only one. so the woman does not deserve
any special commentator for enterprise.
AT any rate there she stood, balancing first
upon one hairy foot and then the other.
glancins sidelong at the first man. now
throwing back her head and turning up her
tiny stump OF a nose. now regarding the an
thracite at her feet with a grin-aIter-
nately freezing and warming. There she
was-that old mother of Filtration playing
her first fish, without the help of the hooks
and lines and dipnets and gaiIy colored
nies and other accessories that have since
come 10 be essential to her most expe-
rtenced daughters. Whatever may be said
about the moral aspect of the situation this
first female deserves lot of credit for
doing a thorough job without the aid of
art and invention.
The situation was certainly OF intense
tnterest- Three volumes could not cover it
Justly. An epic might have been written
about 1t (what Homer and Virgil were
thinking about. wonders). but the es-