Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1903-10-10
THE LIE
DEFENSIVE
By
JOSEPH BLETHEN
Copyright, 1903, by Joseph Blethen
JOSEPH BLETHEN
Copyright, 1903, by Joseph Blethen

~EW men would voluntarily has
ten their endings even with
the knowledge that their dead
bodies would create most mo-
mentous stir in the world. On the con-
trary, what man would not prefer to
remain alive even at the cost of humble
comfort now and absolute postmortem
obscurity? Moreover, / think that
Clyde French, had he foreseen the stir
his mortal remains were to create in
this world, would not only have chung
madly to life, but would have prear-
ranged for something like decent Gre
nation to follow his final departure.
When he left Seattle for Kotzebue
sound / had known him a week. He
had left the employ of newspaper on
the Atlantic coast and must by nature
while waiting to- take the ship frater-
nize with us of his trade on the Pacific
coast. We in this tollgate Of Alaska
meet many such good fellows, and of
this one l remembered one thing dis
tinctly-he was frank in saying that he
left neither kith nor kin behind him
and should not return to the States I'M
til prepared to make a stir.
Both statements proved to be true.
for when l searched for relatives to
take his remains off my hands found
none, and the return of his mortal dust
to Seattle kicked up more Of fuss
than did the advent of the original
Klondike nugget.
In the first place that dead thing
didn't have the common decency to ar
rive by daylight, but chose to make it's
entry into my affairs on the shady side
of midnight
The Dolphin from Skaguay put in at
1 o'clock in the morning, and the long
shoremen rushed the dead box" across
the dock with prompt respect to sailor
superstition. Then, seeing that it was
directed to the editor of newspaper,
the wharinger called me by phone and
told me to send an undertaken for it
forthwith.
An evening paper man detests mid
night sensations. Not only do morning
papers get them first, but they disturb
his sleep. So l called up Mr.. Slabb's
parlors and directed that my departed
friends remains be made comfortable
till could call at seasonable hour.
In the morning received a letter by
express from the mysterious regions Of
the wonderful north. It came from
French himself, and, although it had
many weeks start, it had been over
taken by his dead body on the long
journey out. 1t was curiously abrupt,
but sensational enough to suit even a
day editor: - t. s.--.2.s.-.
Sir-This was a bad assignment for
me. / got the lay, but some other chap
will get the story. I am alone. My dogs
have run away. They will starve I've
food but no fuel. 1 shall freeze in a few
hours. It's cold deal, and I'm scooped
If any one discovers me, I want my
body shipped to you. Bury it where it's
warmer than it is here. I'd like it to
thaw out. I detest a fellow who is too
stiff to unbend on proper occasions.
haven't any convenient sack of dust
with which to defray expenses. Charge it
to the news department and let the story
OF my death Offset 1t. Don't let anybody
step in with distant relative gag. I am
going to my people now. They were in a
warmer climate when they started over,
but they are just as dead as TIL ever be.
Goodby
Put this on the first page and don't let
the foreman make over and kill me off.
Top head and double loaded, you know.
Make 1t lively to make up for my present
lonesomeness. I'm giving 1t to you be-
cause 1 always preferred the evening pa
per. Put 1t on the A. P. wire early. Yours
In the flesh, CLYDE FRENCH.
Then followed q statement, undated
and UNSIGNED tn the effect that a Darty