The Montgomery advertiser., 1903-04-26

Matrimonial Bliss. as she popped darn ing egg into a sock of manly proportions. and drew her own conclusions from some grim lines lurking about the corners of Mrs. Tommy Topfat's pretty mouth.
 "No, I don't. They are a childish in- dulgence and awfully undignified. and besides, men hate them." snapped Mrs. Topfiat. in a contradictory tone. which her hostess pretended not to notice.
 "Yes know there is a cherished tradi- ton to that effect,' went on that inde- fatigable littla talker. Nevertheless tears have their noble mission to fulfil in this world, and I --m sorry to see that they have been allowed to go almost as much out of fashion as the hoepskirt. The heroines in the plays and novels no longer employ them even in their fntensest moments. Just fancy the imperial new woman, or the college-bred girl all brains and no weaknesses, giving way. Why. they don't know how to do it. They have lost the art; and all l can say is, that the sooner they revive this venerable and blessed accomplishment, the better 1t will be for them
 Nowadays. when anything happens to these superior creatures--when, on the stage, the husband is proven to be secret ly following the trade of a burglar or a bookmaker; or, in the novel, the heroine's s best young man elopes with the girl with the barytone hair: or, worse yet, in real life the new hat fails to keep its appoint- ment for, Easter Sunday-does the strong woman bow her head and weep? Not a bit of it. She merely turns deadly pale, clenches her hands, speaks in cold, calm, commanding tone, stifies few hard and perfectly dry sobs, which are relics of her sweet. soft-hearted grand mother trying vainly to come to the sur face and otherwise preserves her forti- tude intact. and proves that she is a Spartan in a pompadour.
 "Of course, this behavior is magnificent. She also has the lofty and dry-eyed con1- posture you are supposed to maintain when some foolish little marital difficult ty arises over the mislaying of your hus- band slippers, the Iateness of the break fast or the temperature of the soup Mag nificent--but as the French general said about the charge of the Light Brigade, it isn't war. This fearless state of fem mine society isn't natural, nor. in the long run-I give you my word'-so truly effective as the old, old way.
 ITO be perfectly frank, Mrs. Topfat, l don't mind confessing that I've cxperi- mented with both methods myself, and I speak from the fulness of ripe matri- monial experience when I say that the tear in tlme-the judicious, sincere. yet freely sprinlxied tear-keeps married life a deal sweeter than the sulks. And the sulks are simply bound to come when a woman can't or won't cry. The medi- cal profession is willing to stand up for the purely hygienic importance of tears, and I believe they keep a woman's eyes bright, her heart tender her nature for gfyeable her laughter sweet. spontaneous and hearty, and wrinkles and gray hairs from premature appearance.
 "The arid and unnneftable nature is bound to be moody, Representative. and on a nervous tension. Doesn't every body know that the fearless grief Is the most dangerous in the world. and that there is every reason to believe that dry anger. or jealousy, or envy are quite as serious?
 If I were a man and felt myself fall inx in love with a girl who wasn't easily moved. would avoid her as I would spring without thunder showers, or an egg without salt.
 q reckon, though continued Mrs. Bliss relapsing into her native Southern drawl and accent, that every bride takes the same silly, solemn, private resolution that I registered when I married my Yankee John. If ever our domestic machinery ran a trife hard, or If the patent up-to-date. philosophical, self restraint temper brakes refused to work A condition hardly contemplated as pos- sible-there were not going to be any scenes or tears on my part. Those feeble subterfuges of my uneducated fore mothers were to be replaced by a Qu1et. dispassionate talking 1t over with Jonn, by intellectual debate and spirit Of Christian forgiveness.
 "It was a noble and very common re- solve. Every bride makes 1t and breaks it. All through the honeymoon 1t work ed like a charm. and I was so proud of myself, until something suddenly hap pened.
 "As nearly as I can now remember. if all took place one morning when Tohu got overwrought about an eccen- +ric collar button that finally skipped under the chiffonnier. where he pur- sued it with a stick and language, got A mouthfuI of lint in consequence. end rcaa from his knees red. indignant and casting unworthy insinnations at my good name as a neat housekeeper There upon. my righteous wrath foamed up and I blush to say that we both flung winged words about In very childish fashion.
 .'It wasn't nice, but it was thoroughly human ana with a sti f upper lip and
 
 ner the atmosphere was just as highly charged. but we learnedly discussed the new star in the constellation Of Cassi- opeia, recently discovered by Professor Peek-a- hoo as long as the suspicious maid was present. The rest of the time a stifiing silence reigned. Even now l shiver at the bare recollection of that dreadful forty-eigh hours when we were only officially on speaking terms. and when John-poor dear, who can't cry himself-was waiting and longing for me to melt and give him a chance at peace making
 During those black, blank hours I clung to my pet theory of cold-blooded settlement by the new fearless method of arbitration Indeed. we might still be living on the hideous hollow crust of ap- pearances, if, just as I was putting the cream on a helping of wine jelly and pre- pairing to pass 1t, with frozen stare. to the sour-faced man at the other end of the table I hadn't choked and a pelting shower of tears hadn't overtaken me. They ran right down into the wine jelly before John. frightened and surprised out of his wits could rush to the rescue with a big soft, lavender-scented mans handkerchief. a broad shoulder, abject concessions, apologies. and such vigorous pats on the back that you might suppose I had been trying to swallow a wish bone.
 ''It was my stupid pride I was swallow ing instead. When I emerged with large and joyous smile from my good cry, I apoIogized and conceded literally too. Then 1t was that realized that one vo,,nd of the pood old-fashfoned hv-