davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

and in time. when they had given sat isfactery evidence of change of heart, advised that they should be baptised The rite was finally accom- plished in the presence of many of the Indians, who had assembled in the school house for public worship.
 On the following day a planter passed through the village with load of watermelons for sale. The chaplain on duty with the Indians purchased several melons from the man and pre- who happened to be with him at the time.
 The act was prompted purely by kindness, but it was not so understood by the simple minded people. The news spread quickly through the vil lage that the converts, Hard Smeller and Straight-Horn, had been rewarded by gift for receiving the rite of bap- tism. The tribe rose to its feet as one man, metaphorically speaking, and ex- pressed it's willingness to accept the rite on the same terms. HardSmeller and his companion endeavored to cor rect the misapprehension. but the peo- pie refused to believe them. They had i been caught in the act of accepting a gift from the chaplain, and no other l cause for this exceptional kindness, ex- eept their submission to baptism, was | apparent to the untutored mind of the l poor Apaches.
 Both chaplains were immediately i thereafter subjected to liberal propos- | als, wholesale and retail. by Indians who desired to submit to the rite of 1 baptism for consideration similar to that which they believed had been ac- corded to HardSmeller and his dough l ty companion.
 The failure of the Indians to drive the bargains they proposed. and the | lapse of the watermelon season soon l after the Hard-Smeller incident, had doubtless much to do with the suspen- sion of interest suddenly awakened in the teachings of the chaplains. At all events but few conversions or bap- tisms thereafter rewarded their labors while the Indians remained at Mt. Yer non barracks.
 II R. BRTNKERHOFF
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
Pat Took the Trick.

Patrick Kelly was the only man who owned iaunting car in the whole village of L., in Kerry, and as he had monopoly of the business, he made q very good thing by letting it out on hire to the neighbors.
 One day Kelly, according to report, indulged too freely at the village inn, and as he became q danger to the community by violently assaulting anybody he chanced to meet i'll the street he was taken in charge and locked up.
 The next day he was brought be- fore the magistrate and fined 40 shil- lings, with the option of seven days.
 When sentence was passed, Kelly scratched his head for a second and then informed his honor that if it was all the same to him he'd be talk ing the seven days"
 Now, the prison was ten miles away and the only possible means of get ting a prisoner there was by driving. As Kelly himself had the only car in the place. there was nothing to do but hire it.
 For some time the constable and his prisoner haggled over the terms.
 Kelly stuck out firmly for 50 shil- lings, to be paid in advance, and at last the constable had 10 consent to the eXtortion. Accordingly they drove off, and without any misadYentures arrived at the prison.
 When they alighted. Kelly suddenly informed his companion that he'd changed his mind, as the prison wasn't decent looking place, and would pay the tine.
 He thereupon drew out the 90 shil- lings he had received, counted out the 40, and paid them over to the in- spector. Then, jumping on his car he drove away, leaving the constable to walk back.-London Tit-Bits.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
Followed Directions.

A clergyman in New Jersey hired man to act in the capacity of coachman and gardener. One day the clergyman bought a bottle of horse ointment and told the man to apply 1t to a lame horse according to the directions on the bottle.
 About an hour afterward he went to the barn. and found Silas industriously dip ping a spike into the liniment and then rubbing it against the horses leg.
 What are you doing that for?' he asked.
 The man looked up with smile of assur- ance.
 in the directions on the bottle; but it's slow work
 You must have made a mistake" said the minister.
 "I have not, answered the man. in an az grieved tone. Tt says here on the bottle: Apply with a large nail or toothbrush, and as 1 had no tooth brush, thought Id better use this spike
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
MELON CON VERTS
Geronimo's Conversion Recalls an
 Amusing Reminiscence.
Gift of wnterme1ons to Two Con- verts Who Had Been Baptized Created n Misapprehension
 Among Rest of the Tribe.

The news of the conversion to Chris | danity, and the baptism of the cele- brated Apache chief Geronimo. recalls some interesting episodes in the his tory of the old warrior and his people.
 After many years of almost constant depredations upon American frontier settlements, these Bedouins of the bor- der mountains of the southwest were captured, while on one of their pre- datory excursions, by troops under Gen. Miles. Soon after their capture the general caused the entire tribe, men, women and children, to be marched to the nearest railroad station and shipped thence bodily by rail out of the reach of the mountain region in which they had previously found con cealment.
 The tribe reached Fort Leavenworth, Kan, in due time and was placed in camp on the military reservation. For time the Indians seemed well con tented. but they grew restless at length and many of them began to wander about at a distance from their camp, hoping. doubtless, to escape observa- ton of the guards and eventually be able to make a dash for liberty.
 The war department being advised of these indications determined to an- ticipate such possible venture by send ing the tribe still furtber away from their old haunts. Mt Vernon bar racks, Ala, was selected for the pur- pose and the Indians were at once hurried to this historic place, where they were placed in log cabins built in the pine forests adjoining the barracks. In this forest, and under the same trees. doubtless, an American force under Gen. Wilkinson encamred for some time in 1913. previous to his cap- ture of Mobile from its Spanish gar- rison.
 A school house was erected in the Indian village and two or three Ameri can teachers were employed to instruct the children. An army chaplain was ordered to the village to superintend the school and instruct the Indians in the clements of Christian ethics
 The barracks at the time was gar risoned by the United States troops, and a chaplain was on duty with them. The two chaplains from the first were jealous in their efforts to convert the Indians to Christianity, and labored among them untiringly with that ob
 ect in view The efforts of one of the reverend gentlemen were at last crowned with some success. and cou- pie of Indian warriors expressed de- sire to.liye Christian lives. The chap lain warmly welcomed the converts.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
BANANAS, NOT PAIAMAS.
He Was Averse to the Subject, Hut When. It Was Introduced
 Spoke His Mind,

Walter Camp, the athletic adviser of Yale university, was recently entertain ing d gathering of his undergraduate friends with experiences of hls own, says the New York Tribune.
 He told of dinner where a charming young woman was seated next to an ex- oeedingly deaf old man. She had done her best to interest him, but had found 1t necessary to shout out each remark unto the third and fourth narration be- fore the old man could catch the point.
 So the time dragged aong, till the d.n- ner was waning and the fruit was passed.
 The young woman determined to make a final effort at being agreeable, so she threw her voice into saying:
 Do you like bananas?'
 flows that?' asked her neighbor, in ., surprised tone.
 Do you like bananas2" she repeated
 'Well, my dear" he replied, so long as you have introduced the topic, 1 will say that l much prefer the old-fashioned nightshirt."
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
LOBBY GOSSIP.

In the house of representatives there are 236 lawyers, 63 business men and IT farmers; in the senate there are 6l lawyers, IS business men and three farmers. There are only 21 foreign born legislators in both houses.
 Senator Money, of Mississippi has made a record in bill introducing. He began the week in the senate by intro ducing 233 bills. over 200 of which were for claims Other senators have intro duced more measures during the entire session, but MT. Moneys is the record for one days work.
 Fred Landis, the new congressman from Indiana, is very thin. He was sit ting in a Washington street car when a fat man came in and absent -mindedly sat down on his knee. The stout party apologized and MT. Landis said: Its all right. but tell me, did you think was painted on this seat?"
 Several members of congress smoke pipes. but only one has nerve enough to do % in public. The exception is Sen ator William j. Stone. of Missouri, whc rode down Pennsylvania avenue on trolley car the other day smoking a short. black brier, and evidently getting a great deal of comfort out of his pipe.
 Representative James Kennedy. oi Youngstown. O., has been taking llber- ties with his boyhood friend, Represen' tative Hogg. of Colorado. Desiring tc introduce Mir Hogg to Representative Hedge. of Iowa. Kennedy led his friend around to the Iowans deck. Hedge Hogg." was his laconic exclamation ai the two met.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
GRATEFUL, HAPPY WOMEN
Thank Pe.ru-na for Their Recovery After Years of Suffering.

Miss Muriel Armitage, 36 Green wood Ave, Detroit, Mich., District Organizer of the Royal Templars ot Temperance, in a recent letter, says:
 'I think that a woman naturally shrinks from making her troubles public, but restored health has meant so much to me that l feel for the sake of other suffering women it is my duty to tell what Peruna has done for me.
 "I suffered for five years with uterine irregularities, which brought on hysteria and made me physical wreck. I tried doctors from the diff ferent schools of medicine, but with out any perceptible change in my condition. In my despair l called on an old nurse, who advised me to try Peruna, and promised good results if I would persist and take it regularly I thought this was the least l could do, and procured bottle. knew as soon as I began taking it that it was affecting me differently from any thing I had used before, and so 1 kept on taking it. I kept this up for six months, and steadily gained strength and health, and when had used fifteen bottles 1 considered my self entirely cured. l am grateful. happy woman to-day."-Miss Muriel Armitage.
 Peruna cures catarrh of the pelvic organs with the same surety as It cures catarrh of the head. Peruna has become renowned as positive cure for female ailments simply be- cause the ailments are mostly due to catarrh. Catarrh is, the cause of the trouble. Peruna3 cures the ca- tarrh. The symptoms disappear.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

work without the greatest exhaustion. This Is very common sight and is al- most always due to pelvicc catarrh.
 It is worse than foolish for so many women to suffer year after year with disease that can be permanently cured.
 Peruna cures catarrh permanently. It cures old chronic cases as well as slight attack, the only difference being in the length of time that it should be taken to effect cure.
 If you do not derive prompttand satis- factory results from the use of Peruna. write at once to Dr. Hartman, giving full statement of your case, and he will be pleased to give you his, valuable ad- vice gratis.
 Address Dr. Hartman. President of The Hartman Sanitarium, Columbus. Ohio.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

mcnt or settling. or has cloudy ap- pearance, it is evidence that your kid neys and bladder need immediate at tention.
 Swamp Root is the great discovery of pr. Kilmer, the eminent kidney and bladder specialist. Hospitals use It with wonderful success i'll both slight and severe cases. Doctors recommend it to their patients and use 1t in their own families. because they recognize in Swamp-Root the greatest and mos. successful remedy.
 Swamp-Root is pleasant to take and is for sale the world over at druggists in bottles of two sizes and two prices -hfty-cent and one-dollar. Don't make any mistake, but remember the name, Swamp Root, Dr. Kilmer's Swamp Root, and the address, Binghamton, N. Y., on every bottle.
 , the slightest symptoms of kidney or it in your family history. send at once :. who will gladly send you by mail, im- lie bottle of Swamp-Root, and book II thousands of testimonial letters re- wamp Root. In writing to Dr. Kilmer ay that you read this generous offer in
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
THOUSANDS HAVE KIDNEY TROUBLE AND DON'T KNOW IT Tn Prove What Great Kidney Remedy, for YOU Every of Our Paper May Sample Bottle SentF by Mail

ness, sleeplessness, nervousness, heart disturbance due to bad kidney trouble, skin eruptions from bad blood, neural gia, rheumatism. diabetes, bloating, ir- ritability, wornout feeling. lack of am- bition, loss of flesh, sallow complexion, or Bright's disease
 Ii your water. when allowed to re- main undisturbed in glass or bottle for twenty-iour hours, forms a sedi-
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
Matter of 0pinon.

50 Bilkins is in the penitentiary eh?" said the old bachelor who had just returned from trip abroad and had asked concerning the whereabouts of the party aforesaid. How did it nappen?"
 "Oh, it's the old. old story-a woman at the bottom of it." replied the dis penser of information. He stole a lot of money in order to be able to mar IT."
 Well. I'm sorry for the poor fellow. '
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Weak and unhealthy kidneys are responsioi for more sickness and suffering than any otne disease, therefore, when through neglect or o1ne causes, kidney trouble is permitted to continue fatal results are sure to follow.
 Your other organs may need sttention-but you kidneys most. because they do most and need at tention first.
 nvou are sick or "feel badly, I" begin taking pr. Kilmer's Swamp Root. the great kidney liver and bladder remedy because as soon as youi kidneys begin to get better they will help all the other organs to health. A trial will convince any one.
 The mild and immediate effect oi Dr. Kilmer's Swamp Root, the great kidney and bladder remedy, Is soon realized. It stands the highest for its wonderful cures of the most distress ing cases. Swamp Root will set your whole system right, and the best proof of this IS trial.
 I4 EAST I7oth ST., NEw YoRx CITY, DEAR SrRs: OCT. 18th, 1903. "I had been suffering severely from kidney trouble All symptoms were on hand my former strength and power had left me- could hardly drag myself along. Even my mental capacity was giving out, and often wished to die It was then 1 saw an advertisement of yours in New York
 
 had it not promised a sworn guarantee with every bottle of your medicine asserting that your SwampRoot is purely vegetable, and does not contain any harmful drugs. l am seventy years and four months old, and with good conscience l can recommend Swamp-Root to all sufferers from kidney troubles Four members of my family have been using Swamp-Root for four different kidney diseases, with the same good results.n
 With many thanks to you, remain,
 Very truly yours,
 ROBERT BERNER. You may have sample bottle of this famous kidney remedy. Swamp Root, sent free by mail, postpaid, by which you may test its virtues for such dis orders as kidney, bladder and uric acid diseases, poor digestion, when obliged to pass your water frequently night and day, smarting or irritation in passing, brick-dust or sediment in the urine, head ache, back ache, lame back, dizzi- EDITORIAL NOTICE-If you hay bladder trouble. or fl there is a trace O 10 Dr. Kilmer & Co.,. Binghamton. N. mediately, without cost to you, sam containing many of the thousands up ceived from men and women cured by X Co.,, Binghamton, N. Y., be sure to this paper.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

rejoined the 0. B. but they did wrong in sending him to the penitenti ary. They should have placed him in an asylum for feeble-minded persons. ," Chicago News.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
Female Weakness is Pelvic
 Catarrh.
Always Half Sick arc the Women
 Who Have Pelvic Catarrh.

Catarrh of any organ, If allowed to progress, will affect the whole body. Catarrh without nervousness is very rare, but pelvic catarrh and nervousness go hand in hand.
 What is so distressing sight as poor half-sick, nervous woman, suffering from the many almost unbearable symp- toms of pelvic catarrh? She does not consider herself i'll enough to go to bed, but she is far from being able to do her
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Cotton picking will soon be over for the season. Much of it was picked by the boil weevil and some by the boil worm These are called "enemies of the cotton plant" It seems to lis that they are much too fond of it for the good of the farmers.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
H R NKERHoFF, Lieut. coi. T. S. A.. Retired.
Tough"

cholly-But why does your father not favor me?
 Aiida-He says you are awfully fresh and. what is more. that you can't carp your salt.-N. Y. Times.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
The Failure of succcss

Clarissa-our Thanksgiving dinners are never an intellectual triumph.
 Clarenee-of course not; everything tastes so good that nobody wants to talk.-Brooklyn Life
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Hogs need clean bed as much as people do. Especially should dirty sleeping places be avoided. Hogs suf- fer from inhaling dust as much as men or women, or children do. Dis ease floats on the air and dust is the vehicle by which it reaches it's destin tion
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
When Water Tastes Good.

This is Texas story. There was gath cred at one of the country towns the usual crowd for the county court, which included the judge. the district attorney, sheriff, clerk, number of lawyers, ana, on this particular occasion, a young army officer. Well, they celebrated to rather a late hour on the first night, and when bedtime came it was found that most Of them had to sleep in the one large room called in the west the school section" because every thing in the school section lands in the early days belonged to everybody. About daylight the next morning the district at tofney crawled out and found pitcher of :ee water As he poured it down his throat it fairly hissed After long draught he stopped aud said; No d=d sober fool knows how gcod water tastes. Washing ion Pnst.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
Matter of opinon.

50 Bilkins is in the penitentiary, eh?" said the old bachelor who had just returned from trip abroad and had asked concerning the whereabouts of the party aforesaid. How did it happen? ?"
 "Oh, it's the old, old story-a woman at the bottom of il" replied the dis penser of information. He stole a lot of money in order to be able to mar ry."
 'Well, I'm sorry for the poor fellow, " rejoined the o. B., but they did wrong in sending him to the penitenti- ary They should have placed him in an asylum for feeble-minded persons" " Chicago News
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Miss Payne is the day nurse; Miss Grone is the night nurse.
 The patient is recovering rapidly. nd in week or so Miss Death will bid good-by to Dr. Dye. Miss Payne and Miss Grone.-Philadelp Led ger
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

ing, and my limbs were badly swollen. One doctortold me it would finally turn to Brights disease. l was laid up at one time for three weeks. l had not taken Doan's Kidney Pills more than three days when the distressing aching across my back disappeared, together with the other symptoms"
 For sale by all dealers. Price 50 cents. Foster Milburn Co.,, Buffalo, N. Y.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Do not believe Piso's Cure for Consump- tion has an equal for coughs and colis.-J. F. Boyer, Trinity Springs, Ind Feb. b, 1900.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Dropsy treated free by Dr 1T IT Greens Sons of Atlanta, Ga. The greatest dropsy specialists in the world Read their adver- tisement in another column of this paper.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
ANOTHER LIFE SAVED.

-od liS pltI MIL,
 wife of G. W.
 Foolls, Sheriff of Wico m ie c County, says: l suH CT e d wi h kidney complaint for eight years. l felt tired and
 " C a k " a s short of breath and was trou- bled with bloat' ing after eat
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
stops the CougI

Edith-"I believe he only married her for her money Edna-"WelI. he has esr- tainIy earned it3-St. Paul Pioneer Press
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

When you hear a man bragging that he has never made fool of himself, you can set 1t down that he has been a fool all the Philadelphia Press
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03
Why Do We Die.

Vital statistics classified show the re. spiratory organs to be the feeble point in man. Diseases of the lungs are out of all proportion in fatality Take Fay lor,s Cherokee Remedy of Sweet Gum and Mullein for coughs, colds and con sumption.
 At druggists, 25c, 5oc., and Sl.Oo a
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

No circumstances can repair defect Of character Emerson.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Putnam Fadeless Dyes do not stain the hands or spot the kettle, except green and purple.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Husband What does 1t matter how plain your clothes are? Beauty, you know. really would ike to make mine seal>kiH deep just for once Philadelphia Press.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Anybody can write a book, just as any body can write check The difficulty lies in writing book or check that will be honored.-N, 0. imesDemoerat.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Dumley-"By George, believe I'm the greatest fool in the world. Synnex-"fhat
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

You cannot drive a tenpenny preeept with a tackhammer practice. Chicago Tribune
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Envy not the freedom of the dove; for one canary m cage were worth ten pigeons in pie.-N N Times
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

His Record Mister jedge said the old darky. in the rural justice court "l been liviti roun' here ten wears; l ain't never been5 lynched yIt, en Ge only hoss 1 ever stole tn owed me en broke my two legs. - Atlanta Constitution.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

He-"Could anything be smaller than her foot" She-"Yes; her shoe" = St.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

So Say We -McJigger-"Yo don't mean to say you believe in dvoreeE1 hingumbob-"Well. do in the case ot the man who is welded to his opinions. = Philadelphia Press.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

\ fools cap is more admired in society than sage's mantle.-Town Topics.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

and works off the cold. Laxative Bromo Quinine Tablets Price 25 cents
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Genius needs to be balanced with gen. tleness.-Ram Horn.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Idelness has no umbrella for a wet day and no galoshes for the snow.-Unitef Presbyterian.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

From lowest place. when virtuous things proceed. the place is dignifed by the doer's d.-Shakespeare.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Section Boss3"What is all that arguing down the read = Foreman Why, the man operating the steam roller insists that We shall call him chauffeur PhiladeI, phia Record.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

Candor is the rarest virtue of soc.ahility. -SterHdu.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

"Smthers doesn't seem to be enjoying that cigar you gave him just now Look at the face he makes when he smokes it! "T don't blame him. II k the cigar he gave me yesterday. Cincinnati Tmes- Star.
The Monticellonian., 1903-12-03

If all men were true, the world would soon be made new.-Rams Horn.