The Farmington times and herald. (Farmington, St. Francois Co., Mo.) 1902-1905, 1903-12-24
|, Of the Surname of Snl;dt
BY WILLIAM PERRY BROWN
Copyright. 1901, by Daily Story pab Col


THOUGH hamlet by itself was not
so bad, yet allied to the surname OF
Sll.al. the combination grew irritating
When the boys at school called hin
"Hammy" he would quarrel and ever
fight.
AS he progressed towards manhood
these peryersities grew, until the yer.
sight OF ham on L.ll Of fare. though
connected with CHS, oil which. wh,a
wei done, he Was fonG, inclined HIN
TO vegetarianism tor days thereafter
Once. deeply In love. one vital crisis OF
his lie was dOletl.ly precipltaled b.
his hearts idol through this sometime
lngrained idiosyncrasy OF his s1usitiy,
soil.
having about bankrupted himself b..
tween the theater and private supre,
room in the SWEETEST OF cafes. What VA!
his dismay when Agnes insisted not
only ON this, to him, c&cruciating disl
for both, but preceded it with raw
hamburger sandwich for herself.
Better try one, too" she urged. 81
am 70 dyspepuc. DR.. Seymour orders T.
for Inc when | am to eat late sAppers
Ever notice his beard? Cousin Dolly
Barrison says there's something hyL.
motto about ylnuyke beard smidl
boltcd lizzie OF The hamburger ant
minced at the broiicd ham. but his man
nor was such that Agnes leit dubious.
hp
She thought. how long after We are
married will he continue to like me-"
While thus beClCuding her own fem.
inlnc conceptions her lover. gioOmi!y
eying her, arranged with himself to
propose during the dessert stage,
81 viii give him one more chance tC
brighten up" she thought and ordcrCC
Hamburg grapes" together with
"HGmlet punch
This last strange compound, instead
OF the usual mudicum of filtered cofie,
was her special concession TO wait
llammy out OF the duldrums b. appeal.
ing at once to the only poetic part Of his
name observable through microscope
and thus eXhilcrate him into good I'M
NOR again. Alas, II proved the hna!
straw to her already ovcrgtrainrd pa
thence. He saw only Z further trial Of
his endurance. took peach and honey
for himself. winhing boldly ut the know.
Ing waiter. drank desperately, offered
himself In suffering, boisterous, I'M
natural way, and WAS refused with q
hGutcur that turned his whole internal
economy to bittcrest gall in an instant
Through an open door just then way
seen handsome man wearing a van
dyke beard and the well-brod air of one
used to having largely his own way with
the fair oligibles of his professional
constituency whenever he chose to eX.
ert himself While Smidt still sulted
Agnes womanlikc. swept instantly TO
further revenge for nothing in par.
ticular, by rising, leaving her unhappy
sutton. and joining the handsome man
without
Dam Seymour" EroanCd ilammy as
he saw them disappear "I--thought
she loved me, a little; but what chanc'
has a poor, common man. named Ham
Smidt, against dude doctor, named
Seymour with hypnotic beard be
lieve III die-oXtinguIsh myself"
Here came the waiter with the bill
and for his tip When poor Smidt had
satisfied these claims he had not enough
change left to buy poison with Sey-
mour had relieved him OF Agnes Eeath
should relieve him Of tho name Ham
Smidt, and transfer his misery to Agnes
and the hypnotic beard Suicide and n
stylish funeral! Remorse would haunt
the authors of his despair. or at least
Agnes. for the beard had not mCsmer-
lied him, unless with disgust. Sine
would attend his funeral. perhaps In
tears. therefore he must he buried in
stylo-grcat style
AS he mOrbidly dwelt on this idea for
days death seemed terrible only rs IT
lacked eclat. A patrIcian horror OF
cheap collins. tawdry trimmings and an
ufapprecia,ive undertaken associated
Itself In his mind with sort of potters-
tleldian forgotfulness on the part of Az
mes. How else could she be made to feel
what she had missed so poinlcdly, as
by posthumous display that should, as
II were. Invest the memory of what she
had lost with the most splendid aroma
OF sour grapes possible on the savings OF
moderate salary
But the very difficulties even stimu-
lated endurance, and as Agnes, possibly
surnamed Seymour. grew In his minds
eye, he really felt eXhilcrated at times
30 strangely complex are men and mo-
tives. when egotism allows folly to ms.
sist In tweaking Conqueror Cupld's
nose. Still the delays were wearyinC
and II was n great relief when he had
so fixed" matters that he could call
fairly gorgeous burial casket" ana
"shroud" practically his own. Mere
collins, clothes ana undertakers were
by this time so associated In his mind
with an ordinary. spare-dug grave
that a rented vault, as suggested by the
funeral director soon allied Itself
with the other more impressive acces-
series essential to his deep revenge, in
Guiding also the sad visaged shopman's
up-to-date designation of himself. So
fond he grew Of these rather grewsomo
pursuits that he had the casket set up
endways In his room. whereat his
friends wondered al his behavior.
Agnes only laughed Evidently she
thought she knew the young man
Meanwhile Hamlet Smidt would con-
template an imaginary vision of him
self enshrouded, lying in state in that
"burlal caaket," somewhere, anywhere