Arizona republican., 1903-07-05
1908, by Robert Howard
 RuSSellD

 Russell.)
 Once there was a long g-headed Father who had taken the Junior into the Downtown Office and was trying to eradicate the Greek and Latin from his System.
 The Junior was a Lovely Chap whose Clothes came to about twice his Salary. He resembled the smooth-faced Hero of Richard Harding Davis $50 Book. By keeping his Hair neatly gummed down and wearing the right shape of collar, likewise vamping a few tender Chords on the Piano and holding up his end in a light weight Conversation. he had managed to elbow his Way into the Front Row of that Select Division of the Human Race known as the Landed Gentry, because they get Land ed so often.
 Bertrand Flappingdale was the Name of this particular Confection. In Our Set he was known as Bertie and among ths Employees at the Shop he was known as a Bluff. Bert's Pathway in Life was so nicely Fabricated and every one was so awfully Nice to him that after while he felt reasonably Certain that the Earth and the Full ness thereof had been dished up es- pecially for his Benefit and he could cancel the Order any time that he saw fit.
 Flappingdale. Senior, had never | smoked Egyptian Cigarettes and at | tended Junior Proms during his Incu- bator Period. He had been too busy trying to make the Meal Tickets last from one Saturday Night to another. The only Time he got real Lungy was when he told how he used to work for Six a Week and plant $l00 year in the Building and Loan Association. It had been many Years since they took his Boiled Dinners away from him and made him eat Artichokes. but he was still a Farmer at Heart. And when they threw him into the long-tailed Re- galia with the misfit Tie. he had Tap stencilled all over himself.
 T You may take one of these self-made lLuminaries and wean him away from his Pie and rub him with Silk Under wear for years but you cannot iron the Lines of Rugged Character from his Front Piece nor separate him from the Homely Doctrines that were called to his attention by means Of a Hickory Cad some forty years earlier in the Game.
 Consequently, the elder Flappingdale did not hit it off to any large Extent with Bertie's Friends, most of whom had their Names already set up in the Society Column 365 Days in the Year. but not one of them could have figured a 2 per cent Discount, unless he had taken a Day off. They did not care for Business, but Business never seemed to Languish much on that Account
 One of the Hard Jobs that Fate had mapped out for Flappingdale. Senior. was to prevent his blue-eyed Offspring from being abducted and snaked away to the Altar. The Trouble was that Bertie wanted to be Abducted. About every Change Of the Moon re would begin to act more or less Dippy and cue out the Office altogether and go Girl Hunting in his cream -colored Chariot with one Horse hitched in front of the other one. Then the head of the Works would have to call him in and put some Cracked Ice on him and get him cooled down. r'SsS Ri
 The first one to lay him out and have him Fluttering was a 90-pounder. about six weeks rom the Nursery. The cold blOoded Guvnor begged him not to rob the Cradle and wanted to know some i lulilS dDOuI IltT hION ieuSt OI f1OUSS- keeping, which is invariably a Stiff Jolt for Loves Young Dream. While Ser trand was waiting for Chance to Elope with the Bud, New Show came to Town and there dipped across the Horizon of his Fresh Young Life q Hurrah Soubrette who wore Holes in the Stage every Evening doing a very refined Coon Number.
 From the moment when he looked up at her and saw that she had taken notice of his Presence on Earth, he passed into a Sweet Trance from which he did not fully Awake until the Troupe left town when he found himself watching the Red Light disappear around the Curve and realized that he had played his Violets on the Wrong Number.
 The Busy Lover always goes from one Extreme to another, so the next Crack out of the Box what does Brash Bertie do but get himself all worked up to a Temperature of 104 over the kind that is known as Terribly Bright. The one he was determined to Marry, unless somebody got out an Injunction, sat around in an ff-color kind of a sad, Mother Hubbard makeup and handed out Brilliant Conversation that was good enough to be taken down in Shorthand and put right into a Book. She threw her Searchlight on the help less Bertrand and dazzled him to d l Fare ye- we'll She got him into Turk fish Corner and told him of the Yearn- ings of her Soul and all about her l