Bismarck daily tribune., 1903-04-04
ANOTHER JOKE az MARK TWAIN

ANOTHER JOKE ~ MARK TWAIN
Mark Twain's suggestion of an old
fashioned steamboat race from New
Orleans to st. Louis as an advertise
ment for the Louisiana Purchase Ex-
position will no doubt attract wide
spread attention says the Washington
Post. Whether it would draw many
people to st. Louis is a question
which, we think. can be safely an
swered in the affirmative. 1t would
not only do that; it would line the
banks from Cairo up-both sides OF
the eriver-especially should the finish
be by daylight Moreover, general in
terest would be aroused along the
whole 1,4OO miles of the course, and
there would be betting, enthusiasm.
and contention beyond appraisement.
But would it-and, if so. to what ex.
tent-add to the gate receipts in real
cash!
Mr.. Clemens offers very attractive
picture:
Il think they should have ample
forecastle crowds of negro chantey.
singers, with able leaders to do the
solo and conduct the chorus from the
capstan. l should reinstate the torch
basket and use the electric for busi-
ness only should extinguish the
government lights in every crossing
throughout the course, for where
boats are equally matched in the mat
ters Of speed and draught it is the
quality of the plotting that decides
the race.
Have you couple of six-day boats ?
Then you have a continuous six-day
world advertisement; for you would
have wireless operators and press rep
resentatives on both boats, and they
would report the position of the con-
testants hourly, day and night, and
describe the succeeding or failing
jockeyings and stratagems Of the pi-
lots. This would be an innovation
and dreadfully modern, but the value
of it would condone it. 1t would keep
the boats quite vividly in sight straight
along the stretch of 1,40O miles, and
for the first time the world would see
a six-day boat race from start to fin
ish.
THE fair would issue the great War
Department map of the Mississippi.
and every citizen would buy a copy
and check OH the progress of the race
hour by hour and arrange his bets
with such 'judacity' as Providence had
provided him withal. This map is a
yard wide and thirty-six feet long. 1t
might be well to reduce it a little"
Mark somewhat brutally suggests
that the spectacle might be enhanced
by "an old-time blow-up as the boats
finished the homestretch," but thought.
fully adds that this should not be de-
liberately arranged 1T is better left
to Providence and prayer" saws
willing for once to defer to the judg.
ment Of higher power.
After all, though. is the scheme
practicable? Are there any more such
racers as the river knew Just before
and just after the civil war? We fear
the railroads have crowded out the old
palatial boats such as the Natchez. the
Robert e. Lee. the J. M. White. Even
such inferior boats as the Frank Par.
soud, the Magenta, the Wild Wagner,
and other swift and reckless grew.
hounds OF that class have disappeared
We cannot speak with certainty lust
now. but our general impression is
that the Mississippi River boats of to.
day are heavy old stern.wheel tubs
built for carrying. not for speed. and
Offering few attractions to passengers
We doubt whether any Of them is cana.
bic OF more than seven or eight miles
an hour up stream. and apprehend that
race between such boats would fur
nish very little material for excite
ment.