The Saint Paul globe., 1903-11-01

There was a mournful droop to the
mustachios OF the man from the West
and the air of disappointment that
pervaded every feature found accen-
tuation in the detected way in which
his clothes hung on him. 1t was plain
to be seen that bad news had come
from Nebraska, affecting Prof. Heze-
kiah Hawkins and his great electro-
iological-ma gnetic. system Oh therd-
peutics, and that stock in the big en-
terprises for which Hez had blazed the
way was not selling rapidly 1t TOOK
an invitation to thirst parlor ana
some bibulous encouragement to get
the story.
'Well, sir, Hez made the blamedest
foolest mistake of his whole life the
other day" he began sadly, and we
haven't been able to get him at his eX-
perimentS since-beSides, it took him
longer to git well this time. He made
it just when I'd got a lot of represent
atives of Pierp Morgan, Bill Hartman,
Jim Hill and others out there, and had
'em just crazy to combine and finance
some of He's great schemes. Hez
ought to have demonstrated his mos
quito eXterminator or his biological
magnetic system of farmin', where
him and the old mare does all the eatin'
for all the other men and horses on the
farm and makes farmin' a more re-
spectacle and easier business than run
min railroads; or he ought to have
showed his flyin' machine, or even his
invention for raisn' featherless chick
ems, but he done nothin of the kind.
He went and tried to show 'em the
foundation principles of his great sys-
tem which is curin' sick people by
sendin their diseases into the healthy
organs of horses and cows. Them
kind of fellers don't care nothin' about
who's sick, or how to make 'em well.
But Hez sometimes gifts his back up
big with his new ideas and is powerful
headstrong. When he found out they
was comm he got high notions,
wouldn's have 'em come to the barn,
where he's got his big electrical plant,
but moved it down to Omaha and hired
a buildin' and fixed up in swell style
for 'em. He took the dun -colored mule,
the Skittish colt and all the other
horses and cattle, and as he thought
Rockefeller might be there and want
that new million-dollar stomick he took
down the big hog that can eat thirty
bushels of corn a day and had 'em all
fixed up fine OF course, he took the
hired man, and Hank he just come
along, as we'll as some of the neigh
bOrs, who expected to see some fun.
trio machine accordin to his own ideas;
has a solinoid coil nine foot long, with
the barrel three foot wide, and he can
put the patient right inside and use
him for the core when he wants to cure
him quick if he's sick all over and
don't know what ailS him. But you
know his big scheme is to have cleo
trodeS for the horses and cattle that he
can strap around 'em, coVerin' the va
riOus organs, and then he has little
electrodes that he puts on the patients
over the seat of the disease. When he
wants to cure woman with the liver
complaint he puts pair of electrodes
around her and another pair above and
below the liver of a COW, connects 'em
up with his battery of 100 jars, gifts the
current goin easy like from the COW
into her. and from her into the COW,
and in jiffy she's got all there's good
in the cows liver and the COW don't
mind it, for she don't have nothin' to
f, do but to eat and throw it right off or
forgit about it.
well, they got all ready. They cleo
trodeS was on the stock down stairs
proper, with the wires leadin' up, and
the horses, the mule and the cattle was
eatin contentedly and sWiShin' the flies.
The patients was all up stairs settin'
on chairs, with their electrodes on in
the right places, and lookin' solemn,
while the visitors occupied all the other
chairs and most of the standin' room
with the New Workers on the front
seats. Hez had to skermish around to
git patients. He got some from his
own neighborhood. There was old Mrs
Smith with the rheumatism and her
crutches; Squire Pulley with the gout
and big cane; Gran'ther Jones with
the shakin' palsy and a good weapon
IN his voice; Big Bill Sykes with the