The Caldwell tribune., 1903-07-04

The last quiet day he ii ever uaF0'
New York Journal.
Anxious Mother-Tell me. doctor, Is
it a dangerous case? Physician-l
fear it is. He has breakfastfOoditis ID
lin an advanced stage.-Judge.
Miss Stayler-Eyerybody says l
don't look my age. Miss Pertleigh--
OF course you don't, dear. 1t would
be mpossible.-Boston Transcript.
"And so Professor Gustavus has at
last discovered the missing link!
Where did he find it?" Under the bu"
reau, understand. ."-Baltimor News.
Father-Are you and this Mr.. Simp-
son congenial, daughter? Daughter
Oh, yes. pa; he likes to hear me talk
about myself, and l like to hear him
talk about himself.
Miss Whyley-I wonder if that Jones
woman is married or single. Miss No
tise-Oh, she is married; for two Eas-
tiers she has had the same hat.-Wom-
ans Home Companion.
Employer-Yes, l advertised for
strong boy. Think you will fill the
bill? Applicant-Well, just finished
lickin' nineteen other applicants out
in de hall.-St. Louis Star.
Point of View.-"See here, young
man." said the minister, you never
paid me that fee for marrying you"
You're mighty lucky l haven't sued
| Won for do m Uns ''-Tit-RifS
Judge-You deny persistently that
you committed the act, and yet the
description fits you exactly; beauti-
full face, youthful appearance, pretty
little foot. Woman Observation-Disclosures
l confess all.
Ernie-Why are you crying, dear?
Edith-He just said l was all the
world to him. Ernie-But that is very
affectionate. Edith-Yes, but year
ago he said was all the universe to
him.-Philadelphi Record.
Quite Unlike: "Why, George, what
an enormous pile of letters!" exclaimed
the bride of a week; billets doux, I
suppose" mo, my dear" replied the
other half of the sketch; they are bill
lies overdue. News.
A Query: He-Here's puzzle for
you. She-Let's have it. He-Give a
woman bunch Of photographs to ex-
anime, including one of her own,
which one will she look at the longest,
and why y?-Philadelphia Ledger.
Kitty-You didn't look a bit pleased
when Fred told you you were the best
girl in all the world. Esther-Had |
shown how pleased / was. it would
have so tickled his vanity that he'd
be saying the same thing to every girl
he met.
Tenant (angrily)-The cellar of our
house is full of rats. What are you
going to do about it? Landlord tcalm-
ly)-Nothing. What do you expect for
seventeen dollars q month, anyway a
cellar full of white mice: chicago
Daily News.
His Miscue: 81 would be hal'r" If I
might just sit and look at you all
day." he said. That's nothing" she
replied; II know people who would be
glad if they might just sit around and
stare at nothing all day."-Chicago
Record Herald.
Positively Brutal: She-Just see
how much your little wife loves you.
She made this cake for you all by her
self. He-Yes, darling, and now If
you will eat it all by yourself l shall
possess indisputable proof Of your de-
votion.-Chicago News.
Young Lady Customer-I don't know
just what l want. Can't you suggest
something? Clerk-Here's a book
think it might please you. 1t starts
out with the scene laid in England
and Customer-Oh, don't care
how it starts. How does it end?-
, Kansas City Journal.
"Yes," said the man from Georgia.
J reminiscently, II remember the time
) when slaves were worth three thou
sand dollars q head" "Oh. that's moth
ing" sneered the New York sexton
"what do you suppose the slaves OF
fashion in my church were worth pei
r head on Easter%-Judge.
i, Appreciated: There was a very small
5 audience present, and 1t was rapidly
dwindling away. On the stage, the
hero and heroine are holding a rem
a devious. Hero Ito heroinel-Are We
D alone? Heroine thinking of the audi
e ence)-Not yet. There are two fellow.
near the door who look as if they
S might be able to sit through another
e act.-Illustrated Bits.
Rural Sport: YES" remarked th,
Il citizen of Sandy Lane, "our parso1
claims that these here racing automo
: biles are keeping some of his focl
away from meeting" you don't meal
to say any one owns racing automo
bile around here" asked the drummer
in surprise. mo, they don't owl
, them, but they sit on the fence all da,
x Sunday and throw stones at those tha
e pass. Daily News.
d Some one tells US of a dude in
h horse car, who, seeing a young lad,
e whom he thought to be impressed wit
his personal charms, crossed over an,