davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
HUMOROUS.

Nell-"But he always makes such
fool of himself" Belle-"Oh! well.
let him enjoy himself" -Philadelp
Record.
"Of course, John is q thoroughly
English name" ooh! I don't know"
sob! but it is. The h. you'll notice,
isn't sounded at all."-Philadelphia
Press.
Mrs. Bouncer-"I have been to see
Mrs. Grace this afternoon. What de.
lightful company she isl" Mr.. Boun.
cer-"Yes. l understand that she is
no talker. boston Transcript.
Miss Waunta Noe-"Do you ever try
to tell people by the clothing they
wear?" Kidder Bitte-"Sometimes
For instance, if see man dressed in
blue suit with helmet on his head
and club in his hand, I'm willing to
bet dollar he's policeman."-De-
troit Free Press.
Judge-"Mrs. Torque is such ter
rible talker that guess her husband
never gets a chance to get word in
edgeways." Fudge-"Nonsense. He
often gets her undivided breathless at
tention." "What!" eyes, when he
talks in his sleep she never misses
single syllable!'-Baltimore Herald.
A Broad Hint.-"Did you know that
in the arctic regions, Mr.. Staylate,
they have nights that are six months
long" $50 have heard, Miss Laura"
"Yes. was just thinking what char
acteristic evening calls you could make
up there" Dear me, is it as late as
that? Observation-Disclosures Plain
Dealer.
An Astute Policeman.-Chicago Of
ficial-"I have proof that you saw a
man on the streets after one o'clock,
and neglected to question him" Pc.
liceman-"No, but followed him, saw
him enter a house, and five minutes
after heard shrill female voice giving
him Hail Columbia for being out so
late, and l knew he was respectable
citizen."-N. Y. Weekly.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
TRICKS ON CANDY-EATERS.
Clever limitations OF Teeth, Collar
and Shoe Button~ Put Up for
the JOkers,

"The trick cigar has it's counterpart
in confectionery" said a candy man
ufacturer the other day, according to
the New York Times. "The callow
youth who delights in giving explosive
cigars to his men friends demands
something similar for the candy-con-
Stunning sex, and we have to meet the
demand.
1.-THE possibilities Of a cream choco-
late or piece of nougat are limited,
but we have a few contrivances. We
make Of very hard candy an imita-
ton Of tooth with gold crown, and
hide 1t in cream chocolate. You
can imagine the rest-,a party of WON
en- munching candy, one of them dis
covering something hard, and, finding
a gold-crowned tooth loose in her
mouth!
similarly we initiate bone collar
button in a hard white candy, hide a
candy shoe button in piece Of nougat,
put bit of cork in caramel, or
fill a candied cherry with red pepper.
So long as the sanitary experts don't
weed out these alleged jokers the
candy man has to put up these trick
candies for them"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
WAS AN AMBITIOUS MAN,
with His Hn n He Tried to Push ID @
BiG Gun FlotiIIa Away
from Him.

When the big 16-inch gun was towed
to Sandy Hook the great floating der
rick Monarch and the lighter Captain
Tom carried the weight, while the
powerful wrecking steamer, /. j. Mer-
rift, did the pulling.
The the government dock the Mer-
rift dropped behind the other vessels
and pushed them in against the pier,
at the end Of which an insignificant lit
tie pile driver was tied up. The huge
Monarch swung close to the pile driver,
and a man boarded the latter, fearing
the pile driver was in danger of be-
ing crushed, and with no idea of the
eternal fitness Of things, reached out
and tried to push the derrick. float,
gun and steamer all away at the same,
time. 1t was like n fly trying to
kick down mountain.
Out of the pilot house of the Mer-
rift the captain stuck his head, says
the New York Mail and Express, and,
in vioce so tremendous that it shat
tered the atmosphere, roared at the
man on the pile driver:
"Don't bother. Wen make a line
fast to keep the derrick there. You
can't hold i'll"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
HIS NATIVE LAND BEST.
when 1t Came to Scenery He Thought
They Couldnt Beat the
Palisades.

The Empire State express was whiz
ling up the Hudson a few days ago
with the eyes Of all the passengers or
the left side of the train drinking on
the beauties of the river and the Pail
sades on the other shore. One of the
passengers, foreigner, was particu'
larly expressive of his admiration,
says the New York Tribune.
you never saw anything in your
foreign countries to beat that, I'll bet, "
said an upstate farmer, who was going
home by express from visit with rel
atives in the city. "It'S just grand
scenery. that is"
"You are right, it is grand" ex-
claimed the foreigner, in perfectly cor
rect, though measured, English. Il
only remember one scene more beautd-
full"
The loyal up-stater demanded the
name of the scene that had the Pail
sades beat out"
"a few months ago ! had the pleas
ure of going down the River Danube"
lie uIiSN ti CI. u ~ a mp iibh'N ANiNNh
since express trains began running be-
tween Paris and Vienna, but it is well
worth while. There is place in par
ticular that reminds me Of the Pail
sades, and which l honestly believe
was more grand.
"a few miles below Belgrade the Car
pathian mountains cut across the
great plain of central Hungary, and
the Danube centuries ago cut a pass
age through them. First, the river
rushes through a narrow passage,
then broadens out to the width of
lake. Around bend goes the steamer
and the mountains come together. The
result is two rows Of palisades higher
than those across this mighty stream
and with tops majestically peaked. 1t
is called the Kezan Pass, but is more
popuarly known as the Iron Gate"
at may be all as you say" declared
the farmer, "but you know what |
think-youre just prejudiced There
can't be anything finer than the Pali-
sades,"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
LIVE OAKS AND ORANGE TREES.
Few Venerable Trees Have Sur
vived the erase for Orange
Growing.

Wherever huge live oaks are found
the soil is congenial to the orange tree.
and we may be thankful that at the
height of the craze for planting orange
orchards ell over the state of Florida
some venerable trees were spared, says
Country Life in America. Too often
n NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. live oak" was
ruthlessly hewn down to give place TO
a "fifty-cent orange tree"-a sordid
view Of the transaction, perhaps but
NO artist will quarrel with the valua-
ton. for he can go to the nearest bank
and draw usurious interest all day long
and moonlight nights besides, when the
shostly steamers of gray hanging moss
hide the proving night creatures
and one may hear the cry OF some
bird snatched from its nest by climb
ing opossum or the echoing boots Of
the great horned owl are answered by
mate or rival till the whole woods re-
sounds with their contention,
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
LITTLE BIT OF HOLLAND.
The Busy FiAhermen and Their
"Vrows" of VOlendam Who Catch
GuIlders of Tourists.

The inhabitants daily dress in
their Sunday best, to catch the
"guilders" of unsuspecting tourists;
but along the dyke, in the single
street of Volendam, one sees the fish
ermen and their good "vrows," not
in holiday attire, but dressed for
their vocation, precisely as Volendam
fishermen have been clothed for CEN
turtles past, says Four-Track News
The men wear tight-titting jackets,
buttoned to short full brooches, wood
en- shoes, and shock of straight, thick
hair, clipped by their good danes
around the edge of a bowl, in the good
oldfashioned way. The women are
busy as ants in heap Of sand, wasting
not moment Of time, knitting their
long wooden stockings as they clatter
along the busting street in their shoes
Of wood, and short striped skirts with
padded hips, their heads surmounted
by clean white caps of characteristic
cut.
The tiny houses, the narrow street,
everything is so compact that one cas-
lily imagines he is in dolls village,
while the prodigious men and stalwart
women recall the childhood's wonder
ment, when our gaze first rested upon
the illustrations as we turned the
pages of "Gulliver's Travels
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
AN ELECTRIC EYE-OPENER.
Novel Alarm Appa ratus That Has
Heen Invented by South
ern Man.

There is in Mobile a gentleman who
in the past has been in the habit of
oversleeping in the morning hours,
and as his business requires that he
come down street early, it is essential
that he should awaken at certain
hour. Time after time he came late
to his business, in spite Of alarm clocks
and other appliances to get his eyes
opened at the proper time. One morn
ing recently he entered the office on
time to the minute. The others in the
office expressed great surprise at this
unusual event, and asked the whyfore
of it, reports the Mobile Register.
81 determined that this business of
sleeping when | should be awake had
TO stop, so / called in an electrician
and he fixed me up a few things. l
have it so arranged that at the hour
set light flashes in my eyes If this
is not successful, and l do not get up
and throw the switch, a mosquito bar
and the frame falls on me. If I still
slumber and sleep a gong like the one
used on the patrol wagon goes off.
Should | fail to notice these things,
there is over my bed a bucket filled
with water, having a small nozzle at
tached, and a rachel releases a stop,
so that stream of water is squirted
into my face. When l sleep through
all these it will be time to order my
coffin"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
INCIDENTS OF SPARROW LIFE.
Three Scenes After Snowst orm
That Interested . Casual
Observer.

Here are three incidents of spar.
row life, lately Observed said Mr..
Goslington, according to the New
York Sun, that interested me.
"Of course. after a snowstorm, the
sparrows have the time of their lives
getting something to eat: and many
of them don't get it, they starve and
freeze to death.
walking along street near
where l live, on the Sunday after this
last snowstorm, / saw sparrow hop
across the sidewalk from the street
and up on to the step leading to the
door of a restaurant and lunch room
there. There wasn't n blessed thing
in sight for the sparrow to eat in
the street or on the sidewalk. or
anywhere; everything around was
covered with snow; and its hopping
across the walk and up on that step
and to the lunch room door looked
as though it had read the sign and
had hoped up there hoping to get
something to eat.
1T seemed not impossible that it
had been there before, and been fed
there, and had come up there intel
ligently; but this was Sunday and,
at that hour anyway, the restaurant
was closed, and there was nothing
doing there for the sparrow.
"Incident No. 2. A dozen sparrows
had found at the edge of a sidewalk
crust of bread thrown out on the
snow and were hopping about this
crust and picking at it hurriedly and
nervously, to get away with it before
anything could happen to take it
from them, when out from the house
line of the walk came bounding to-
ward them q vigorous and lively small
dog, and the sparrows had to leave
the crust and flee for their lives, the
dog meanwhile bobbing back to the
house thinking that chasing sparrows
was great fun. But it was rough on
the sparrows, hey? Well, now.
"But note incident No. 3. There
were just two sparrows in this cpl
sode, with none other in sight any
WHERE III IHdU Wluc SblClCll VI Silo"
that spread over street and sidewalk
everywhere. And these two spar
rows had got tiny nubbin of bread
between them from somewhere, or
rather one of them had got it and
the other wanted some of it, and the
strong one that had possession of the
bread wouldn't let the other have
it.
"And presently the bigger bird
picked up the crumb and flew away
with it, 20 feet off, and settled down
there in the road and began eating.
AT once the one that had been left
behind flew after the first and set
tied beside it again; it wanted some
of the bread. But once more the
stronger bird picked up the crumb
and flew off with it, this time another
20 feet, to the sidewalk, and settled
down there with it on the snow and
began again to eat by Itself.
"And that's the way they were as
I passed on-the stronger sparrow,
with all the bread, eating on the side
walk; the other sparrow, out in the
road, left with nothing.
Birds and beasts intelligent? Well,
should say SO. don't see but what
they are just like u.s."
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
IMPORT WORMS FOR BIRDS.
A Chicaxo neaIer Receives Large
Guam Titles from an Old Ger
man In New jersey.

Chicago is obliged to import its meal
worms from New Jersey.
The worm most valued from a COM
mercial standpoint is the small, inch
and a half long specimen known as the
meal worm, usually found in Hour mills
and kindred places. 1t is sold at all
bird stores as a dessert or piece de re-
sistance for the family canary or par
rot. The retail price for meal worms
is 25 cents per hundred, and large guam
titles are sold, says the Chicago Trib-
une. A man who sells large number
of meal worms at his bird store in State
street each year says that the supply
used tocome from various mills around
the country, the mill boys being tempt
ed by liberal rewards to put in their
noon hours prying around behind the
loose boards of the mill exhuming the
worms and sending them to Chicago.
But now the dealer receives all his
s'rply from an old German down in
New Jersey, who runs a sort of meal
worm ranch. This man breeds the
worms and ships them when they are
fully grown and Of proper weight and
color. He has building fixed up to
resemble an old mix, full of loose
boards and with -four and meal plenti-
fully sprinkled around. The unsus-
pecting worms are led to believe that
they are boarding in a real mill until
such time as they are fat enough to
cause a canary birds heart to dilate
with joy. Then they are ruth1essly
seized, packed into tins, and sent to
mo vi
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29

"You are old, Father William" The
young man cried. "The few locks that
are left you are gray, and ! would
fain hear you say how you attained
your great age. Impart to me, if you
please, the secret Of your longevity"
ITS very simple" replied the aged
man, as he took another chew Of to-
bacco and continued to read the finest
print without the aid Of spectacles.
"A!l you have to do is to keep right at
it. just go on living, and time wall do
the rest."-Detroit Free Press.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29

A recently appointed second lieuten-
ant in the army on his first public APP
pearance at one Of the presidents re-
ceptions had some difficulty with his
sword and tripped over itseveral times
while he was in the line. 1t got be-
tween his legs and dangled about in a
most perplexing way. young man."
said Mai. Gen. Corbin, in most kindly
manner, that thing you are wearing
is a sword, not hurdle"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29

taking the sash along with him
When Mullins reached him he was al
,dazed as a mudlark.
"Nearthquake?" he feebly NUT
tered.
NO." said Mullins, "the cow kicke,
you"
Sow kicked mel" the hired ma
repeated. ~ wonder how it hap
pened?"
81 wonder?" said Mullins.
But Mullins thought he knew
though he hesitated about saying SC
for fear of hurting the victims feel
ings-and he was hurt enough al
ready.
The trouble was that the hired mai
was so awfully cross-eyed that h
had grabbed the wrong leg!
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29

American tourists abroad often com
ment upon the literal translation into
English of notices in foreign Ian
guages. The well-meant efforts OF
landlords and others to convey, in the
language Of the visitor, the meaning Of
the native, often produced laughable
results. A Washington citizen found
this notice posted in his room in an Al
pine hotel: "Misters, the venerable
voyagers are earnestly requested not
to take clothes of the bed to see the
sun rise for the color changes"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
ate of Electricity.

Prof. Mason. Of the Smithsonian IN
stitution, says that the most needed
achievement Of 1903 is the discovery Of
a satisfactory method of economizing
electricity. Some day, he says, in the
not distant future, the rivers will make
all the electricity we want. We shall
harness the streams and they will heat
every house, run every wheel and light
every lamp.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
The ShRh's Wives.


The shah of Persia is the possesso13
of 60 wives and 80 children, quite a.
small household when we remember
that the late shah had over ZOO wives
and nearly 200 sons and daughters!
When the shah's wives go out for al
drive thu loyal subjects Of his majesty
do not throng the streets to welcome
them, as would be the case in a Eu.
ropean country. A band of running
footmen precede the royal carriage,
crying out: "Run and hide your
selves!" and on receipt of this hint,
every passer-by scampers up sidet
street to avoid the crime OF high trea-l
son by looking on the royal ladies.
If it be too late to beat a retreat, pun
ishment is avoided by turning the face
to the wall.
All Took Their Hats on.
A north Missouri preacher adopted
the following method of requesting
the ladies to remove their hats int
church: "a lady" he said to his CON.
gregation. "'phoned me this morning'
and asked if I would make her rel
move her hat if she came to church.
l said that I would, and am now ready
to fulfill the promise. If the lady.
is here, she can keep her hat on. All
others are requested to remove their
hats"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29

buffalo Iilazed the Way.

1t is an interesting fact that the
great railways Of this country follow
very closely along the old Indian trails,
and that the red men, in their turn, fol-
lowed the trail Of the buffalo, says
Four-Track News Engineers surveyed
routes across the continent, laying out
lines for the railways to follow, but,
after all, twas the buffalo, guided only
by natural instinct which "blazed the
way"
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29

Malta is the most thickly popu-
lated island in the world. 1t has l,36O
people to the square mile. Barbados
has 1854 people to the square mile.
N. Y. Sun.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
working Time In Britain.

At present the proportion OF working
time Is smaller in Britain than in any
other nation. The assertion as true
alike in respect of agriculture, OF in
dustry, of shopkeeping, OF commerce
and Of the professions.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29
Enough Said.

In a letter to friend in Atlanta
rural youngster wrote:
Last Tuesday dad bought young
mule that was not broke. Dad tried
to teach the mule how to pull wagon.
The mule is still with us."-Atlants
Constitution.
The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1903-01-29

May-What's the matter, dear?
Clara-My engagement with Charley
is broken.
But thought you intended to break
it?"
$50 I did; but the wretch went and
broke it himself. STRAY Stories.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1903-01-27
PLANS FOR JUNIOR ]. BALL !. |, |.
Committees il Charge Strive to Out.
do Efforts Of Former Years
Some Surprises Promised.

Never before has a junior ball asos-
citation worked SO diligently or accom-
plished SO much as has the present one.
The committee on arrangements has tax
Ell special pains in the small details and
many pleasant surprises are in store for
Friday evening. + The distinctive emblem
to be worn by the members Of the assoc
citation is as yet a profound secret, as
are the programs. which have, been de-
signed i'm the east. ~ p *1.'3 ~ :
i The Junior colors, red and white, lend
themselves very effectively to brilliant
decorations. The walls and ceiling Of the
big armory will be entirely hidden by
flags, bunting, draperies and palms. The
stage will be banked with flowers and
palms, and from behind a green lattice
will come strains of music from DAM
full orchestra. Below the stage IN an
elaborate display will be the class NUM-
erals 1904 A beautiful floral piece and
electrical display will be placed in the
center Of the floor. = = - -. =
Supper will be served from the south
wing of. the armory from dainty little
tables artistically decorated. = This wing
will be used exclusively as supper room
and will be decked in the. university col
ors. The gallery will be beautifully hung
with red and white draperies and will
present a most attractive appearance from
the floor. The north wing is to be fur
nished in oriental style, with Persian
rugs and heavy upholstery. : This will
serve, as a reception-roon.
The concert program will begin at 33t
p. m. and promptly at 8 o'cloc the dane
ing will commence.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1903-01-27
ITCHING eczema
And Other Itching, Burning and
:, Scaly ElQpd0ns.
instant Relief and Speedy
Cure Afforded by
Cuicura Soap, Ointment and Pills
When All Elise Fails.
COMPLETE TREATMENT, $500.
COMPLETE TREATMENT, $500.

The agonizing itching and burning of
the skin, as in eczema; the frightful
scaling, as in psoriasis; the loss of hair
and crusting of the scalp; as in scaled
head; the facial Disagreement, as in
pimples and ringworm; the awful suf-
fering of infants and the anxiety of
WORKOUT parents, as in milk crust, tet-
ter and salt rheum, all demand rem
edy of almost superhuman virtues to
successfully cope with them. That
Cuticura Soap, Ointment and Pills are
such stands proven beyond all doubt.
No statement is made regarding them
that is not justified by the strongest
evidence. The purity and sweetness,
the power to afford immediate relief,
the certainty Of speedy and permanent
cure, the absolute safety and great
economy, have made them the standard
skin cures and humOur remedies Of the
civilized world.
Battle the affected parts with hot
water and Cuticura Soap, to cleanse the
surface Of crusts and scales and soften
the thickened cuticle. Dry, without
hard rubbing, and apply Cuticura ONT
ment freely, to allay itching, irritation
and inflammation, and soothe and heal,
and, lastly, in the severer forms, take
Cuticura Resolvent Pills, to cool and
cleanse the blood. A single set is often
sufficient to cure the most torturing,
disfguring and humiliating skin, scalp
4 and blood humours, with loss Of hair,
when all else fails.
The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1903-01-27
REAL ESTATE TRANSFERS.

Eugene H. Hatch ttrustee) to Marie Score;
lot 8, block l. Rosenquist's addition, 81 600.
Henry F.. Josh to John A. Smith lot g.
block /, Hedderley & McGregor's addition, 500
Hennepin County Savings Bank to Amanda !
Swanson; part of lots % and a. block ,, South
Side addition, $500. 49,: (, .
Louisa !. Adams misunderstanding to James r.
Swain; lots 30 q and 90, block H. Lawndale
Ruth D: Folsom and husband to Charles P
Aronson; lot %, block g. Forest Heights. $500.
H. A. Clark ct al. to Laura A. Bahan; lot
block s. Buffers Second addition, $3.50.
Kate Hathaway to William G.. Burleigh; lo
81. block TO- KenWood $4,000.
Susan D. Gale and husband to Charles W. Dor
sett and wife; lot %, block 6, Oak Lake add
ton. $3.50.
Frederick Scuba and wife to Joseph Heyda
lot 5, block so, West Minneapolis, Second di
vision, $50. :.
Helen J. Holmboe to William Kinkel; lot "a
Seallum Gates addition, $1,000.
Henry c. Fower and wife to Pat Lavalle AM
| wife; part of lot 10, block 21, Manages supple
ment. $500.
Hetta: H. Norris to Alice G. Norris; lot 6
block 8, L. F. Manages addition. $4,000 80
Nels Nelson and wife TO Jonas J.. Norberg
lot: g. block 2, kletzin's Second addition $1,000
One minor deed. 81.
Total, IA Deeds S1S,111.