Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1903-01-01

goat has received gilt-edged deck
| of cards from the charitable lady who
lives in the large stone house.
The charitable lady in the large
stone house presents the pastors wife
with a red sweater and hymn book
upon nearing that the philanthropic
lady who lives in the large brick house
has presented the pastor with a pack
age of gum-drops and pair of skates.
The philanthropic lady who lives in
the large brick house buys rs full
grown tickets to the young ladies' ice
cream recital for the benefit of the
nervous upon learning that the chart
table lady who lives in the large stone
house has purchased 10 white tickets
and eight blues for the Heavy-set Ia
dies Christmas hop, given for the bene-
fit of the sockless and sad.
The charitable lady who lives in the
, large stone house decides to give
public dinner for those who have been
thwarted in matrimony upon learning
that the philanthropic lady who lives
in the large brick house is arranging
to distribute mess OF warm kraut
among the sick and dying.
And so it goes. Every day you can
see somebody slip brick in his pocket
and start out to give someone a little
punch of philanthropy.
Did you ever go to bazaar or fair
given under the auspices of the Re-
fined Ladies' Reading Ring and Talk
ing association and watch the philan-
throplsts get after a pale, hollow
chested pie when it is lead out and sold
from the block?
You can take an ordinary, bullet
proof pie with an asbestos roof, fore
and aft and side armor of the same,
and put it up at public auction ia the
midst of two or three contemporary
philanthropists, and it will sell for
enough to pay off the funeral expenses
of the first victim.
When the bazaar pie goes on the mar
ket, pies are quoted at 10 to ~ cents,
demand light, market weak, no call.
1t is placed in booth with it's trainer,
a pretty young girl, who does her best
to find good home for it, but nobody
will take pity.
Day after day that grand old pie sits
around in it's stall, waiting for some
body to come along and adoptit it. Many
people daily and nightly pass along
and stop to admire it's firm, muscular
physique, but no one will give orders
to have it bound hand and foot and
sent to their home.
But after awhile the board of direc-
tors get together and decide to sell the
pie at public sale, all sums of SIS and
under cash in hand on day and date of
sale.
The husband of the vice president of
the Middle-weight Ladies' Literary
Bunch, who used to run an eight-day
jewelry store in the west before he be-
came cultured, helps the pie up on to
the block and presides as auctioneer.
Ladies' and Gentlemen" says he
patting the pie on the chest, what am
[ offered for this old fellow. He is
sound and kind, and has neither blem-
ish nor scar. Genuine Clydesdhle stock.
The best general purpose pie L ever
saw Can be trusted with any member
of the family. Remember the pro-
ceeds Of this pie go to the erection of
home for unemployed college gradu-
ates. Gentleman, what am I offered?''
Then there is a scuff1e among the
philanthropists.
A philanthropist in red necktie
and a No. 4S vest begins to knock peo-
pie around with his elbows and talk
to himself. "There is Old Eight Per-
cent over there with his Sabbath fore
noon SMILE he whispers to himself.
''He tried to soak me with a pie at the
Policemen's Browning Club Bazaar
last fall, but here's where / come back
at him, pie in hand. Here's where he
dies by inches ere hand can save"
And then there is battle to the
death between the philanthropist in
the No. 4s and Old Eight Percent.
One moment No. 4S has Eight Per-
cent down on the floor, calling for
police interference, and the next mo-
ment Eight Percent is on top with 4S
screaming for help. 1t is blow for
blow. First one stroke of philanthro-
by and then another, while the crowd
moves back to give them room.
And so the struggle goes on between
our philanthropists. Every day it is
in progress. Every day it is 12-cent
pie for an orphans asylum. The phi
lanthropic battle between Mr.. Carne-
gle and Mr.. Prick is not the first fight
of this kind that has ever been fought,
but they are the first philanthropists
who have ever tried to assault each
other with $5,OOO,OOO university or a
ten-acre office building.