The Minneapolis journal., 1903-03-16
Homes: His Posthurnous.
Memoirs.
By John Kendrick Bangs.
Copyright, 1908, by John Kendrick Bangs.

being yourself?"I dema nded.
Nothing Jonah answered. ut was
sheer negligence on the part of the court
officials that caused it. They ought to
have seen to it that the scales were Sc
curely fastened. But the judge found me
guilty of contributory negligence, and
had to stay in Jail until his honors head
healed up
"You have luck to burn, haven't your
/ suggested, sympathetically.
Yes he sighed, "but it seems to be
fire proof If it weren't, you'd see a lot.
Of it go up in smoke
!. Il still don't see how I can help you.
Mr.. JONAH l put in, after a pause. Il
have no influence with the courts, and
am not in any sense lawyer. What you
really ought to do it seems to me, Is to
have a trustee appointed for yourself, get
guardian. or possibly go into the hands
of receiver. and have this person insti.
tute a suit on your behalf
Il tried it, said Jonah, mournfully.
But it wouldn't work. I got Samson to
of receiver, as you have suggested, and:
well. it was the same old story. On his
way to court, to qualify, he was run over
by trolley car, and the automobile am:
bulance that came to take him to the hos.
pital blew up just after he'd been put
aboard, and smashed the few ribs he had
left when the trolley car had gotten
through with him. Then his partner, De-
mosthenes. took my case up, and while he
was debating the complaint, he swallowed
one of the pebbles he keeps in his mouth
to overcome his stammering. 1t lodged in
his vermiform appendix, and he had to
be operated on within three hours. He
wont be out again for six weeks. and
meanwhile this beastly libel is going the
rounds uncontradicted.' '7
why don't some of your friends come
to the front and set you straight? Hadn't
|you any neighbors in Nineveh who can
testify for YOU and thus confound old
Munchausen?'' I~asked. 49,, .s
"They actually refuse to have anything
to do with me- he said sadly. There
isn't one of 'em will consent to como
within a mile of me, If he can help it.
You see they remember the old days when
acqua intance with me was enough to send
man. into bankruptcy. I don't know
why it is. Mr. Homes, but I'm the antip-
odes of that old jackass, Midas. He
doesn't know blessed thing, but every
thing he touches turns to gold, whilst l.
we'll, everything touch turns into Attle-
boro jeWelry in a minute. I frankly be-
lieve that if had the Koh-i-noor diamond
! in my possession for five minutes it
would out to be nothing more than a poor
quality of rhinestone before it left my
possession. Ny neighbors of Nineveh?
No indeed, Mr.. Homes, there's no relief
| there. AS a matter of fact, Job himself,
who is case-hardened when it comes to
suffering, and who loves me like BROTH
| er, absolutely refuses to lift his finger to
| help me OUT
| My soul was fired by all this misery.
forgot the ruin of my office. 1 forgot the
| despoilment Of my papers and the destruc-
tion of my clock, and sent him away with
a promise of help.
It was the hardest task I had ever un-
! dertaken, for there seemed no way out Of
the situation. Fortunately, however.
trip with DR.. Johnson and Sir Walter
| Raleigh down to Charybdis Rock, sort
| Of Cimnerian Coney Island, suggested a
solution Of Jonah's troubles. It so hap
| pened that there was sWord-sWaloWer
| there. who claimed to be the greatest in
| the business. because for two years his
challenge to swallow swords against the
| world had gone untaken, wherefore he
| had dubbed himself the Great and Only"
| In an instant the solution of Jonall's
/ troubles flashed across my mind. = =; -:
I He MUST CHALLENGE MENCHAU-
SEN TO BE SWALLOWED BY A
| WHALE. BEST THREE IN FIVE, FOR
! THE TITLE THEY BOTH CLAIMED.
This surely would be- the supreme test,
for I reckoned that Baron Munchausen
| would either decline the challenge. and
thus be placed hors de combat in the event
| of Jonah's successfully surviving the or
deal. or accept, and granting the untrutl1
of his assertions, fail to, do the trick with
! the ease and grace with which the more
| experienced Jonah would perform it..
! Upon my return to Cimmeria, 1 teie-
phoned my suggestion to Jonah, and was
/ pleades dWo fra mht fra Inht framhtmht
pleased at his ready acceptance.
| "Splendid!' he cried. TIL be glad
Just here the telephone switchboard was
| struck by lightning and. the connection
| cut off, but I had his approval of my plan
| which was all needed
In due course the challenge was sent,
and. was published by myself in all the
newspapers of Hades. It attracted i'm
mediate attention as a novel proposition,
and Jonahs position began to gather
strength. Expectation rose to fever height.
The match was the talk of all the clubs.
and the betting ran UP into the thousands.
when, as expected, Munchausen declined.
He had a previous engagement. he said, al
though no date had been specified His
|stock fell hundred points in night, but
Jonahs battle was only half Won. It
needed clinchng, so 1 announced publicly
that, while we regretted our inability, to
make a match with Munchausen. rather
than disapoint the public, Jonah himself,
on the following Saturday evening, at the
Aquarium, would plunge into the leVia-
than tank and permit himself to be. ''in-
gulfed." The evening came. The place
was packed. Ny suffering, client entered,
!stepped on the edge Of, the tank dove
head first into its lucent waters, and then,
before ten thousand persons, swan grace
fully into the open jaws. Of Jumbo. the
Elephant of the Sea, as the leviathan was
Icalled, and disappeared from view.
The cheers that rent the air were such
as vel nigh to remove the =. top of the
building. and all night long, the streets
were thronged by a cheering. bowling
mob. who hailed Jonah as the Conquerins
Hero Of the Hour, and fleered and jeered
was forced to leave the city and remain in
hiding. - } -. : s..,'
But. alas! There was really no victory,
for. in spite Of his feat poor Jonah never
enjoyed the fruits of his nerve and cour-
age. since for some Unaccountable reason.
he has not returned from the interior.
| which has vexed me more than like to
say. am not easily to be deceived and
seldom make mistakes. but Jonah,s failure
to emerge indicates either that the MAI
was a spurious Jonah. or that I selected
the wrong kind of whale.
I am not enlargng upon this point. now:
ever, for either horn of my dilemma is ar
unpleasant one. All the satisfaction gel
out of the episode is in the discontinue
of Baron Munchausen. whom have Ions
suspected to be prevaricator of the frs
water.
Meanwhile, if Jonah has any heirs, ]
wish they would reveal themselves, for
|. have a bill against his estate for six hun.
dred and seventy-tw dollars for repairs t
:, my office. one hundred and sixty dollars
for my eight day clock, one dollar for q
quart of ink, and fifty dollars for one