New-York tribune., 1903-01-11
THE TALK OF THE DAY.

The Maine papers telling a story OF a young
minister who on his first charge was called upon
TO preach a funeral woman.
1t his first funeral sermon and he laid himself
out to make impression, and succeeded The
woman had had her faults, but the minister forgot
them This to be expected, but he extolled her
so highly that the poor bereaved husband. sitting
there listening. couldn't recognize her by the de-
scription. Finally, In glowing peroraton he Dict-
ured God and the archangels and the angels and
all the hosts of the redeemed joyously forming
parade to welcome to Heaven this zone of the very
best of all women The husband could stand 1t
longer. and, leaping up. interrupted him with
beckoning hand. gaspng out: NO no, elder; not
quite that, She only bout middlin-"
Pat Comparison.-"I don't believe half hear
about people," said the lady with the turned-up
yes" agreed the lady with the Roman features,
'in that respect gossip is a regular chauffeur -
Baltimore News
veteran of the Spanish recently referred to
the Secretary of the Interior a case in which he
claimed pension on account of corns that he
had contracted by wearing army shoes The de-
partrnent after an exhaustive course of rea-
soning TO the conclusion that corns are
not pensionable disability. The decision says:
'Corns are inconvenient, but are seldom incapaci-
tating and when they are the remedy Is simple
and within easy reach of any one. The soldiers
patriotism ought not to terminate with his mill
tary service. 1t should prompt him to go to a
chiropodist rather than to the Pension Bureau
The Voice of Experience--"I don't care to marry
at least not OF yet" said I'D the ne, fl niI1.
Because matters are now havethe at{entlons ns
have the attentions of only one.
"Huh! exclaimed the mauon' you "ouioii
have even that'-(Chicago POST
The following bit of eloquence is from the un-
blushing pages of an English weekly. 1t should be
nasted in the scrapbook of certain press agent:
INV old friend Buffalo Bill dined with me on
Christmas Day. and very glad l was to nave MIN
opposite me. Here is one of Natures neoiemen;
one of the aristocracy fashioned by the hand that
made cloud and mountain and all the great ana
fine things of the earth First he is, perhaps. the
bandsomest of living men: handsome not merely
in the extraordinary beauty OF his features ana es-
pecially of his eyes, but equally handsome IN tne
wondrous grace and robustness OF MS nsure-l nave
never seen finer eyes than Buffalo Bilfs-oeautlrul
In shape beautiful in their rich brown Color nut
more beautiful than all in a. perfect sincerity and
sweetness of expression that make you feei as
though YOU were looking into fresh fountain on
a country road under shining summer sun.
THE INSANITY PLEA.
] guess they amt in ali the world no sinners any
They're crazy; >,
They amt no moral lepers that's plumb rotten 10
TIL man what flches thousands from his wealthy
Th' man man what does murder with extra lot O.
What does his desperate deeds so smooth nobody
One day they'd ali been criminals of deepest dye;
but
TIL man what spoons maid for years, and then
No longer can you put i'm in tn breach o promise
He's crazy
Th brute what beats his wife until she has to run
TIL gb what hat rnns gnw sam0h he an SKINS i0iks
TIL chap what gold bricks Reuben till ne mor'gidges
Such cusses ust to be run down an put In jail;
'"' HO" They're crazy
TIN woman what deserts her,man an little
Is crazy:
TIL man what leaves his family, with some
else to roam,
Th' preacher chap what fails from grace and
takes to fiery booze,
Th disappnted feller t goes an shoots his self.
Th' lad what steals rope with horse annexed.
sch ust t be wicked lot but we've learned bet
They're crazy.
But I'll bet anything 1 got. which amt much.
goodness knows,
That when before tn final Jedge this bunch o.
'loonies' goSWy What,s pcrazv.
They'll be job o sortin' out double double
An even high class lawyers won't be lowed T.
gang O. so-called dany folk VIII take trip
Where people known as sinners In tn old days
had L
For this viii be III verdict: You're wicked lot.
but
Not crazy!''
Baltimore American
Professor Mason. of the Smithsonian Institution.
says that the most needed achievement of 1903 is
the discovery of a satisfactory method OF econo-
MIXING electricity. Some day. he says, In the not
distant future the rivers win make all the cleo
tricity want. We shall harness the streams
and they will heat every house, run every wheel
and light every lamp.
Unendurabe.-" "Deah boy is IL true that Won
have discharged your valet?'+
''Ya-as. the doosid scoundrel was too den'd
fresh! When took him out with he managed
to make people think he was the mastah and was
tha man. baW JoyeIp--(Chic po Tribune