The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1903-12-06
THE GENIAL IDIOT
Talks About Preparations for Christmas.
BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS.
Copyright, 1908, by John Russell Davidson.

ut is simplicity itself" said the Idiot.
I'm any case, it Is going to get me out
of the Christmas pit for less than fif-
teen dollars down. You've seen these
advertisements in the magazines,
haven't you, of the Cosmopolitan Cy-
clopedia of Cookery in twentyfour vol
umes; the Crankiola Mechanical Pa
derewski and the works of Marion Hig-
| gonbotham Wilberforce?"
YES" said the Doctor.
'And that also of the Canadian Dia-
mond Tiara Company, and the Show
hogan Pearl Rope Corporation" said
the Idiot.
Il have observed them" hogan the
Doctor.
And the New York, Harlem and
Bronx Easy Chad Company, limited?"
continued the Idiot.
'Well-what of 1T 2" queried the Doc
tr impatiently. We've all been buy
ing four dollars worth of that sort of
thing with seven cents worth of liter
allure every month for the past FIVE
years What have they to do with
your scheme?"
They are my scheme" said the Idiot.
II find on footing the thing up that
for fifteen dollars down 1 can have all
those things sent to my friends this
coming Christmas without asking fav-
ors of anybody. BY simply sending
COSMOPOLITAN
pedia of Cookery Company, l can have
the whole twenty four sumptuous vol
umes of that interesting work delivered
| TO my Aunt Tabitha on Christmas
morning. For another dollar the
CrankioIa Mechanical Paderewski will
be forwarded with my compliments to
my sister-inlaw who is very musical
but whose hands are so small that she
cannot stretch more than half an oc-
tave. and is therefore unable to enjoy
the Delights of her piano. Then for my
own sister, a dollar invested In the Ca
madam Tiara Company of the Pearl
Rope Walk at Skowhegan will bring
by return mail a collection of gems
that will rival the splendors of an In
dian Dunbar"
"Pah," cried the Bibliomaniac they
won't be real"
They'll look real" retorted the Idiot.
And she will never know the differ
ence."
Until she tries to sell them" sug-
| gested the Doctor.
"What?" cried the Idiot Mercy,
Doctor, how sordid you are. Sell a
Christmas present? Never-or IL she
did try, well then she would deserve
all the disappointment she got And
then for my dear old Uncle George
| who always sends me a cheque for a
hundred dollars at Christmas, a cash
payment of one dollar will secure for
him immediate possession of one of the
patent combination rockers of the New
York, Harlem and Bronx Easy Chair
Company with a set of Kipling thrown
in. l tell you gentlemen, the scheme
is a perfect dandy"
IT'S like most of your schemes" said
the Doctor. You don't seem to re-
fleet that for the next twelve months
there Will be instruments falling due
on the first of every month"
"'Oh yes 1 do said the Idiot. That's
where the insurance for the next
twelve years comes In. I'll keep send
ing 'em the receipts at Christmas every
year until they're exhausted, unless
times improve and l find later on that
| can afford to do better by them.
Whatever happens, though, it spreads
the cost over whole year which it.
self is not only easier than paying
cash down, but enforces a Christmas
preparation that is spread out over
twelve months instead of crammed in
to one, and that one at the end of
the year when money is scarce"
Those monthly payments are likely
to prove embarrassing" said Mr..
Brief
"Not with Uncle Georges cheque for
800 set aside to meet them as they
fall due" said the Idiot. THE way
l figure 1t out Uncle Georges 500
and the fifty l always get from Aunt
Tabitha ought to take care of the
whole proposition. and leave what 1 get
from other sources all velvet"
Suppose for once Uncle George for
gets your" demanded the lawyer.
Then I'll forget to pay the install
ments on his chair" said the Idiot.
"And he'll have to send it back.
But / don't think he will forget, be-
cause with the chair which by my pat
ent scheme is to be delivered a week
before Christmas goes a letter some-
thing in the nature of a reminder.
Something like My dear Uncle George:
Please do not think me extravagant
in sending you so portentous a look
ing present as this chair The fact
that for as long as / can remember
you have enriched my exchequer to
the extent of 800 at Christmas has
lead me to think that l could not
begin to show my appreciation of
your generosity IL l sent you a dozen
SUCH If you get 1 per cent. as much
comfort out of the chair as l have got
from the hundred, you will be as
snug as a moth ball in a fur over
coat That'll fetch him. Gad-when
he gets that, I shouldn't be surprised
If he made it a hundred and fifty"
You ought to be ashamed of your
self for imposing on an old gentleman
that way" said Mr.. Brief "It's a reg
ular game of bunco"
Nonsense" said the idiot. Where
does the imposition come in? 1 mean
every word Of it. l am grateful for
his hundrd. Moreover, suppose It is
an mposition-what is a rich uncle
for il he isn't to be imposed on? From
time immemorial the word Uncle
has been a synonym for the source of
funds. If you need twenty-five dol
lars in a hurry and can't get it in
any other way, it's a time honored
custom to take you watch to your
Uncle and borrow money on 1t. The
very title carries with it a measure of
financial responsibility and a man
who shirked it would deserve to lose
the office. He might just as well be
a cousin or a step-father or any 9TH
err kind of a poor relation who isn't
of any more use to you than a safe
ty match would be in hades."
well I think it's a good scheme"
said the Poet. "Only l think you'll