Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1903-02-21
WOES OF 4 HUNORlsT
Simeon Z. Ford on the Sadness
Of Being Funny.
EEg STR OF DINNER SPEAKERS.

Called on FIRST by Accident, He
HAS Been In Demand Ever since.
Wishes lie Had Never Heard of
AFTER DInncr Speaking and says
~ Don't KNOW why the People
Laueh"
Simeon T.. Ford is New York's new
star dinner humorist. Dinner commit
tees haunt the Hobbies Of his hotel BY
day and by night, says the New York
World. lie has averaged a dinner a
week since the new year.
From an occasional speaker he has
become an indispensable. As soon as
the t|oastnaster introduces him the
guests begin to smile, before he Is half
through they are In paroxysms Of
laughter, and by the time he sits down
hey are reduced to hclplessness.
Financial kings, clothing men, re-
formers, hotel men or police captains
it doesn't matter a bit to the genial Mr..
Ford e'Sunny SIM who his audiences
are. He makes merry with all just the
same.
Admiral Beresford, whom be ventur
ed TO lampoon the other night. first
looked startled, then amused and final
ly resigned himself to uncomfortable
laughter. Ford the jolly admiral
told the humorist afterward, "Td like
to keep you In the top drawer of my
desk and take you out once a day"
ny. Ford's business Is keeping a ho-
tel, and humor is only a side line. lie
fell into it accidentally and surprised
himself that he was thought to be
funny. Ills first accidental hit caused
him to get another invitation. a0a $ sc
then his reputation has bee .I, s.
sive, but he has steadily persisted in
giving out his humor only IN the form
Of after dinner speeches. lie has de
clined glittering temptations to be a
humorous writer.
"The secret Of success In after dinner
speaking" he said to the writer, is
something subtle in the fellow. One
man can tell you a story and it Will
bore you to death; another fellow tells
it and you laugh till your sides ache,
though you may have heard it a thou
sand times. 1t is personal magnetism"
2Ir. Ford is not n humorous looking
person. The solemnity of his appear
ance suggests a country deacon. He
Is thin and angular, with a long narrow
face and head, and n close cropped red
dish brown beard, with pensive eyes
that mirror deep reflections upon the
destiny of man.
"Oh. Lordyr' said Mr.. Ford with a
gesture of despair when asked to tell
the story Of his success as an aztec
dinner speaker. He sat down on the
first chair in the lobby OF his hotei as
if %to'recoyer from the shock Of the sug-
g%estion. "I'm so heartily sick and tired
Of this whole speaking business that ]
wish ld never heard Of it. Oh. yes, I've
made a good many speeches-more
than half a dozen this year, although l
promised my wife | wouldn't make but
one-the one to the hotel men. She
thinks they get on my nerves, and they
DO.
u don't know why people think I'm
funny" The humorist gazed out as if
to find the answer in the subway
framework that obscured his view. II
suppose it's the solerhnlty of my APP
pearance-I don't know what else. I'm
certainly not a good looking person. |
know people don't burst into screams
Of laughter at what / say when l talk
to them. On the contrary, I'm the
poorest kind OF a talker, and | seem to
subtract all there Is of beauty from a
subject when | discuss It. I'm the most
humdrum talker you could imagine.
why is 1t they laugh ut me when
get up? I give it up. | try not to tax
their minds with statistics or give them
too much information. The average
American at a dinner is not cunning
for information. The fellow with a
long table of statistics is tolerated, but
I don't think he adds to the general
sum Of gayety. l recall a dinner where
] sat between j. Pierpont Morgan and
Frederick p. Tappun-and the postmas-
ter general or some other notable was
a speaker. He made n of those reg
ular washington speeches. You know
that sort.
Gentlemen, he said, do you realize
that this country produces two and
two-sevcnth times as much hemp as
all the countries Of Europe combined?'
And he went through the whole table
with great earpestness. Mr.. Tappan
leaned over to Morgan and said, Nor
gan, the postmaster general has "A great
memory for figures 'Huhn grunted
Mr.. Morgan. Nobody knows whether
he's right or not, and nobody gives a
darn!
My first speech Mr.. Ford said,
with a reminiscent CLINT in his PARKWAY
eye, was when my friend Boldt opened
the Waldorf. That was twelve years
ago. BoIdt heaped Goals of fire on the
heads of us fellows, who had beer pre-