Devils Lake inter-ocean. (Devils Lake, Ramsey Co., Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1905, 1903-05-29
A NEW ENTERPRISE.
BIZ MAX AD8LnR.

IF you only had little capital to invest"
said the young man, as he took a chair and
sat down close to my desk, Il might put you
in the way of a good thing"
"Mine?'
"Oh. no. It's a petriiaction company; the
Columbia Petrifaction company, of Clarion
county. l could. spare you 100 shares"
What does the company do"
Why, you know, it owns a limestone
spring up here in Clarion county. That spring
used to belong to a man named Herkimer
Jones. One day, when his well ran dry,
Jones went off and brought a bucket OF wa
ter from that spring and the family drank
1t. What was the consequence: Next morn
ing when the neighbors called, Herkimer
Jones was sitting at the supper table turned
to solid stone. He had half of a sausage in
his mouth; that was turned to stone, too.
So was Mrs. Jones, and Ellen p. Jones, and
Herkimer Jones, Jr., and the baby. The
limestone water did it. The heirs closed the
whole lot out to a sculptor named Ferguson,
who arranged them in a group and sold them
to the British museum as models from the
antique. That is, excepting the baby. He
put plaster paris wings on the baby and
passed him of as an original design Of a
Cupid"
What about the company"
We'll, you see, the company at once
bought up the spring property and they in
tend to go into the petrifying business upon
a large scale. For example, s'pose'n you
get contract from congress to execute an
equestrian statue of Gen Washington. First
you find a horse; you make that horse drink
at the spring, and there he is! Perfectly
splendid! Then you find a man who bears
a sort of general resemblance to Washing
ton. You arrange a picnic; get that man
up there in the woods; offer him a drink
and in IL minutes you can chip spalls off
of him with a stone.chisel. Then you mount
your mar on your horse, and there you
have a group of statuary such as Greece in
her palmiest days would have gwen her
bottom dollar to get" ,,.srs.
Il see."
"The company, you know, purposes to
have the country poorhouse located near to
the spring; and as the president of the board
of trustees owns 60 shares, we calculate to
~sofidify paupers right, along, without inter-
mission, say 20 or 80 a day. Don't you see
what a magnificent prospect ii opens up for
high art in America? We car fill any order.
Say you want a statue of Gen. jackson, and
the only available panper is too fat. What
do we do! We petrify him, and then We
chip him down and touch up his counte-
nance, maybe, with a chisel. Suppose you
want a pair Of saints to work INTO the front
door to o church. We >e.ect a couple OF
venerable vagrants, harden them, turn their
noses down, to give them dignity of expires.
sion, and the bricklayers then can build
them right into the door jambs."
Suppose the demand for that kind OF
statuary be small?'
Then we come down to a basis Of utility
at once. S'posin' there's a pauper with in
fammatory rheumatism in his leg? We pet
rify him. We sell him to "A doctor. That
doctor cuts of the leg with a marble saw
and there he has that iniiammatory rheu
matism right before him turned INTO gran
tie. S'posin' one of them has a torpid liver
In two hours the doctors ear examine tina
liver just as if it was a, brckhat, with tn
torpidity sticking out AL over it.. Mind You
if the supply of paupcrs holds out, | ventur
TO say that the day is not far distant whel
You can take petritied %livers, and hearts
and muscles, and brain pans and build
iwo-story house with them. with all III,
modern conveniences a mighty sight cheap
er than you can build it out of common stone
Imagine living in q house made of ~ossitiet
livers! Be unique, wouldn't it? 1t woulC
attract attention.
Il don't care for such things myself
but"
Gen. Bangs, he tried some curious expert
ments with the water out of that spring
He threw a bucketful on a cat that was jump
ing about on his back fence one night; ane
there she is now, fur up, tail elevated, moutl
open, picturesque and natural as life! Mex
night he soused another one; same efec
OF course; and now Gen. Bangs has l3 ex
Quisite statuettes of cats in various atti
tudes of grace ranged around on his fence
Ferguson, the sculptor, told him he couldn''
have had those cats done 10 Carrara marbl,
in Europe under $50,0OO. But, of course, you
have to be careful when you have the Co
lumbla water around. Gen. Bangs kept hi
in = barrel, and the other day Lis mother
in-law filled a pitcher from it. accidentally
and took a drink. One hour later it tool
six men to carry her to the window SO they
could lower her to the pavement with
derrick. She weighed nearly a ton. and A~ai
SO hard You could crack her with d sledge
hammer. The general was sorry. OF course
and after he had her mounted on a revolving
pedestal he kept her in his front parior fol
a while, palmIng her off on his friends a.
an imported statue Of Minerva. But. finally
as she excited unpleasant comments, ne hac
her cut into slabs and put into his cemetery
lot as tombstones. He had the gratifying
reflection that she is near those who were
dear to her. Let me tell you that If oul
company once gets to work, and pauper'
are plenty, a man who wants a varleRatee
tombstone can get something that will please
his taste at rates that will make the marble
yard people sick"
1T looks like a good thing, bat ! believe
l don't care to 60 into it."
"Ill tell you what Iu do. I'm a little
pressed for money now, and if you'll buy 81
shares, you may take them at half price
and III petrify any of your relations you say
for nothing. How's that"
Il have no relations that l want in that
condition"
mo aunt, or grandmother, or anything
that would work up we'll into a table top
or . slab for a fixed washstand"
mo"
"And you're going to throw way this
chance of promoting aesthetic culture and Of
encouraging the love for the beautiful in YOU
own country"
I'm afraid So"
The young man shook his head and sighed,
"a r. he .ould h a rdlv hoar tn +hin0 of the e.