Willmar tribune. [volume] (Willmar, Minn.) 1895-1931, 1903-03-04

a hltching post. He. WaS=alWays pre-,
pared for the worst, however, and ne
carried an abbreviated copy OF Of. an
army musket in his hip pocket, WI en-=
ever he went, to a surprise party or
funeral or a dance or wedding, OF
any place else where he would likely
meet one of the popular gentlemen en- !.
who were trying tomake an angel out OF
him. He Fused to take smooth-bore re-
volver and soft lead pencil, and start
ed out after news items for his pa
per in az way that was generally
crowned with abundant success.
The pen may be mightier than the
sword, but, after all, there is nothing
like horse pistol with a. contralto
neigh for winning the attention and
respect of a fellow man. Any brave
man, who is sure he is in the right,
can look down into the depths Of a
single-barrel fountain pen with pat
ent faucet and defy the other man to-
do his worst, but let the same man
cast his steel-gray eyes down ? the
throat of a Tennessee squirrel gun,
and he is likely to be pretty careful
what language he sorts out and hur1s
at the man who presides at the trigger
But one day a. large, coarse man.
with terra Gotta breath, at whose ex-
pense the previous issue of the paper
had attained an immense sale, stepped
into the newspaper Office, picked up the
editor in an unguarded moment, fed
him into the jaws of job press con
tanning the forms for public sale bill,
turned on the power, and the next mo-
ment the editor came out of the press
with the picture of a one-horse spring
wagon printed over his floating ribs,
the words "For Sale" on his liver, and
the name of the scholarly auctioneer
jammed through his shoulder blade
and out through the watch pocket of
his vest. The incident made a wonder
full impression on him, and seemed to-
change his whole views in regard to
what an ideal newspaper should be-
After that both his spinal and ed
itorial columns we're more or less
weak.
AS we understand it, DIR. Parkhurst's
ideal newspaper is to be free from
bunion advertisements and other SEN
sational reading matter. Everything
which goes into the paper will be CAL
eulated to raise the moral standard
of the reader. It will guarantee to.
raise a persons moral standard, and
tell him all about what the politicians
are doing at one and the same price.
Everything will be written up with
the idea of discouraging insomnia and
every other vice. We can imagine how
the reports will be:
yesterday afternoon the police
went noiselessly to the home of a.
man named Brown in the west part of
town. Our reporter, Prof. ]. Emer-
son Slow, Phi. D., LII. D., M. D., D. d.
went casually to the place and learned
the whole dull, uninteresting story
Brown and his wife were talking over
some question, when he took hold of
the hair of her head and walked leis-
urely upstairs with it. Then he
walked downstairs with it. Mrs
Brown asked him to let go of her
hair in a calm, subdued tone of voice
that was overheard by policeman
eight blocks away. During the con-
VcISdClOu DeG"ttu EtllO" Cll1ZGh
Brown, and his good wife, rocking
| chair, a center table and set of dishes
| fell to pieces, and when the police ar
| rived Mrs. Brown was standing in the
| middle of the parlor with an enlarged
picture of the family group hanging
around her head. like a crown of VIC
| tory or a three-dollar halo with brass
! hol hoo
as token of esteem by her affection
ate husband"
| "Dead.-John Jim johnson, at the
earnest solicitation of his brother-in-
law, Patrick Oleson. Physicians say
that if the bullet had gone through
the sole of Johnson's boot, instead of
through his left lung and his gizzard
and his ~diaphram and his heart and
his necktie, he would have been unable
to grant his brother-in-law's request y
The average newspaper of to-day
steps about eight feet beyond the
bonds of propriety, DR.. Parkhurst be-
lieves. 1t is too sensational It paints
crime in such a realistic way that it
makes you shudder. It says: IF you
have hair to raise, prepare to raise it
now. The cruel robbers tickled the
old man ont the bottom Of the foot, but
still he would not tell them where he
had hidden his IS cents DIR. Park
bursts idea is to- make crime so un-
interesting that people will get dis
gusted with it. Crime thrives on pub
l:licity. A crime in the paper is worth
two in the street. Make virtue so ex-
citing that if You happen dread about
a man standing on the corner and pre-
senting a sockless and downhearted
beggar with a quarter you won't be
able to sleep a wink that night.