Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1903-03-19
LYDIA PINKHAMS REVENGE!
How IT HAPPENED.

Tt was in the wilds of Arkansas.
The moon looked like firkin of butter
slapped against the sky. Three men
came around the corner. They had
red eyes and huge pistols and their
breath was wild and boisterous. Their
pockets were full Of green apples and
thew munched them furiOusly Not
the pockets but the apples. Suddenly
one of them clapped his hand upon
his umbilicus andvyelled Ha! I've got
1.-THE shrieked and doubled up with
a moan. Then all was still! A man
darted from an alley and waved a blood
red shirt and fed. The men cursed
between their set teeth and skunk
away. The game was up! The heiress
had eloped The man who had doubled
up Law white and still on the ground
By and by coyote came along and ate
one of his legs but he never moved SO
it is presumed that he was dead.
CHAPTER IL.
That night man leapt from the
East river bridge in New York. The wat
err swirled around him in eddies. Why
it didn't swirl around him in jimmies or
billies no one ever knew. 1t is suppOs
ed to have been due to the fact that
King Edward was over here at the
time and eddies we're therefor more
popular. Suddenly the mans head
appeared above the waves and he
struck out boldly for the shore. He
drew himself up on the pier and shiv
cred few shivs. In his hand he held
a small tin can securely sealed. A
policeman came along his beat. The
dripping form lodged behind lumber
pile. With a rusty knife he pried the
lid from the can "Haw he cried. "At
last I have cleww He looked again
into the can 1t was full of prunes.
CHAPTER III.
A member of the Chinese police force
walked down the streets of Hong Kong
In the loose oriental folds of his toga
he carried large snicker-snee with a
red handle painted green. A queue
hung down his back and his head
looked like billiard ball. Beatee he'll
leen' he muttered to himself. Then
he stopped stark still and drew slip
of paper from his pocket A look Of
perplexity overspread his face. The
paper was black! A rat ran past him.
With wild hilarious whoop he gave
chase. All day he chased the rat. He
chased it far into the night. When he
had chased it as far into the night as
he could get it-he plugged up the hole
and went away.
CHAPTER ".
The sun rose bright and early. It's
regular time was seven, but II got
up this time at five. It's faint rays
shone through chink in the dungeon
walls. The lonely prisoner awoke from
a nightmarish slumber and clanked
his chains. Red, white and blue cuss-
words rolled off his tongue like oil.
His jailor undid the rusty fastenings OF
his dungeon doors and entered. He
was a weakened, grabbed old guy with
mutton-chop whiskers. He carried
tray of coarse bread and meat. lie
set them down. 1t was easier to set
'em down than to set 'em up. '"Think
it'll rain?" he squeaked, as he rubbed
his freckled paws together. ut looks
like thunder" snarled the prisoner as
he surveyed piece Of meat. A harsh,
discordant laugh was heard outside
the door. The next minute The dun
geon was blown up by dynamite.
Three years later Mr.. Murphy was trot-
ting a curly headed grandchild on his
knee.
The END.
I trust my bawling contemporary
may find solace in chewing on this
until someone writes a book more
to his taste.