The semi-weekly messenger., 1903-05-05

1NG.
.lCopyright, 1903. by Robert Howard
Russell)
AOnce there was a Happy Family that
began to get a few hard Bumps when
Ma bought a Work of Etiquette. Up
to that time the Outfit had not tried to
throw on any Lugs.
The Male Contingent slouched around
the House in their Shirt Sleeves. while
the Girls often came to Breakfast in
their Balloon Wrappers and never
thought of primping until about J
P NJ. Father had an assortment Of
Rube Table Manners, left over from
his early Experience on the Farm
He never saw the sense Of changing
Knives when he hacked into the But
ter and as for using the side Of the
Spoon, he never could get the Hang
Up to the Time that he married and
became House-broke. he had been
SWOrd-Swallower in a 81. Beanery. For
Years he up-ended his Soup Plate. so
as to get all that was coming to him,
and cooled his Coffee in the Saucer
and concluded his Exhibition OF Bar
barrie Sports by using a large. Timber
piece OF Bread as a Mop.
His Wife worked on him for twenty
years and finally had him SO civilized
that he no longer tucked the Napkin
inside Of his Collar. although he still
put both Elbows on the Table and
groaned a little just before tackling
the Pie.
Ma belonged to several Clubs and
began to meet the Lady Managers of
Society 1t was her Ambition to lift
her own Family out OF the Skate Divis
ion and get the whole Bunch into the
local 400. That is why she bought the
Volume containing this years League
Rules for cutting into High Life.
She wanted the Boys to forget their
corn-fed Origin and do the Reginald
Act and learn how to act in the Pres
ence OF Ladies. They were mostly
Hands and Feet and had no Ambition
in Life except to play Base Ball, but
still he went to work on them hope
fully, knowing that our most eI-
elusive Circles are more or less clog
ged up with Counterfeits whom Ma
ture intended for the Hay-Ffelds.
The Girls were a Sad Lot when Ma
lined them up and decided to trans
form them into Drawing-Room
Queens. They were Gum-Chewers OF
the most abandoned Type and what
would be a shame to tell. Each OF
them was more or less stuck on some
Chinless Percy who wore his Watch
Chain high up and rubbed himself with
Eau de Cologne. They had read Popu-
lar Novels until they were a trifie
MoOny. Their conception Of Romance
was to eat Pickles and write Notes on
Blue Paper.
Mas Purpose, in studying the Book
of Etiquette, was to remove the Kinks
from this array OF Raw Material.
She wanted each of the Boys to be
a Chesterfield. while the Girls were
expected to brace up and follow in the
footsteps of Mrs. Sherwood.
AS Director of the Training School
she had to call them down about 1000
times per Day. When she had Com
pany the Boys always forgot to arise
when a Lady entered the Room. When
Dinner was announced. they were al
ways first at the Table. Instead Of
cOnversing with the Persons seated
next to them, they bumped over and
got busy with the VittleS.
As for the Girls, they usually fiocked
In d Corner and had whispering Bee.
At the Table they would get an Attack
of the Giggles. without letting any one
else in on the Good Thing, thus max
ing it very enjoyable for the Guests.
To cap the Climax, the Male Parent
would usually try to lift the Gloom by
springinS some ancient WheeZe, out
lawed by Haverly's Minstrels as far
back as 1880.
Ma had proud Chance to win
Social Standing so long as she was
handicapped by that Band Of Yokels.
Just when she would be talking Art
with Massachusetts Accent, one of
the BOYS would break in with a De-
mand for a Second Helping OF Cauli-
flower. Or else the Prize Blacksmith,
in a well-meaning effort to be Hos
pitable. would urge the Lady Opposite
to pitch in and Eat some more
After Dinner it often happened the
Ma would tout the ACCOMPLISHMENTS
of the Young Ladies. Accordingly
they would be urged to Play Some
thing. At which. they would hang
back and sniker and do Sis Hopkins
Speciality.
While they were killing Time. Faith
er would usually fall asleep with his
Mouth open or else one of the Boys
would upset something in trying to do
a Sneak from the Room.
As soon as the last unhappy Guest
had escaped into the Night. there
would be a large-sized Roast waiting
for the whole Tribe. Ma would sit VI
until I o'clock reminding them of al
the Horrible Breaks they had made
She said that sitting around in the
Kitchen cracking Hickory Nuts was
about their Size when it came 10 play
ing the Society Game. She allowed
that they would be more at Home il
they moved out to some Ranch anC
associated with the Live Stock. Wher
Ma got riled she forgot her Culture
Club training and handed out a Yer!
IabascO Line of Conversation.
She said she was good and tired q
trying to make Ladies and Gentlemen
out OF a Flock of Vans who took after
their Father
Al this. she would get a Rise out o
Father He said he didn't propose [,
strain himself being Polite to a lot o
Four-Flushes who owed him Money
That was the Trouble with Father H
was President of the Company anC
seemed 10 think that his Official Posi-
ton gave him a Right to break Crack
ers into his Soup. He refused to wea
White Tie with his Evening Clothe
just because some cheap Department
Manager had set the Style.
As for the Offspring, they were to-
mullet-headed to get use to Ma
magnificent System of doing tn
Heavy. When it came to a toss-u
between a Pink Tea and a Variet,
Show, they put their Spending None
on tho CoOO Song AOv tipoa +bo+ Ag