The Birmingham age-herald., 1903-04-12
MR. DOOLEY ON LOMATIC UNIFORMS
By F. D. pu nno-copyrght aos by Howard Russell


 waiter, he says. Loud an long was tn laughter provoked be this kingly sally Tn jest flew like wild fire through tn crowd. Fair ladiel smiled behind their fans. Bring me a cup iv tay an some spare ribs says tn Princess Olgoinsda with a maddenin' smile. What is tn title iv tn king iv ye'er coun- thry, Misther Tower?' drawled Lord Ronald in his mos supercily- ous tones. Is 1t head waiter?' he says. 'Mong doo said tn Veecont; America, it is a large resthrant. ain't it?' he says. Tn air was fill ed with cries iv Waiter. Here you. 'S-s-st.' Boy, tn bill.' 'Ain't I niver goin' to get that pie?' An so on. Charleymayne Tower hurrid firm tn room. While he was standin' at tn dure iv tn palace an looSin' down with horror on his broadcloth pantaloons. a gran jock came behind him, tapped him on tn shoulder an said: Call Grand look Oscaroffsk's hack an be quick about it. Charleymayne Tower culd bear no more. He leap- ed firm tn scene iv his disaster an callin a drofsky, bade tn dhriver haste at wanst to a tailor mans. There he ordhered th' suit I tell ye about. Wan week later a tall magnificently attired man sthrode into tn rile chamber. It was tn American ambassadure. As he marched along a buzz iv excitement ran aerost that splin- did room. Tn English ambassa- dure turned with an oath an left tn rifle prisince. fMalydiction,' says tn Veecont Boulbaze. Le Stuff Is off. Tn gran duchess Olgarina give a passionate cry an tainted. Tn American ambassa- dure sthrode on unmindful iv tn excitement. Tn Czar, who is prudent husband, sint his wife firm tn room. Thln steppin' firm tn throne, he advanced to meet tn riprisintatiye iy gr-reat peo- pie. Tn ambassadure was prepar- in to lxneel whin tn monarch said: Nay, Charleymayne, kneel not to me in thim pants on this flure. Rather shud I kneel to thee, fir niver since king an tailor jined together to rule tn wurrld. has human legs been encased In so happy a pair iv bloomers. At last America takes It's thrue station among tn nations iv tn earth That night tn threaty was signed be which tn Czar agreed to sind this counthry befure tn first iv May an Lord Ronald hurled him. sllf firm tn great Popolapotcheff bridge into tn Neva afther shoot. in his tailor. Now they have pro. noted Charleymayne Tower but his unyform remains upon tn banks iv tn frozen Neva an against 1t nayether arrystocratic intrigue nor dispotic whim will prevail.
 T think it's a good thing Him missy. It's goin' to save us a lot iy trouble in pickin' out diplo- mats. It will no longer be niclssry to find some wan who wudden't wurruk at home an whose rili- tiyes wnd like to sind him out iv tn counthry to uphold tn dig nifty an honor iv our fair land abroad All we have to do is to get tn unyform an thrust amy kind iv a man into 1t. 'Th' prisi- dint has disignated a pair iv olive green pantaloons an a ecroo coat to be ambassadure exthraor- dhinry an minister plinipootin- chry iv tn United States at tn coort iv Saint Jeems.' 'Th' Hon. Table Caliphas Sniyvy has been promoted firm tn Hussars uny- form at Lisbon to tn more import ant suit at Madrid Tn demands iv tn United States goyernmint on th' Impror iv Chiny was pre- sinted yisterdah be a bear skin cap, a blue an silver coat an pair iv yellow pantaloons. Tn Impror was much imprissed.' It'll De grand.
 q wondher why" asked MT. Hen messy
 q don't know" said MT Dooley, "onless 1t was that even Tn tn prlsinee iv king, Binjamin Franklin niver felt like waiter"