Omaha daily bee., 1903-02-22

pays the fare. The fitting consul weeps
tears OF gratitude on his shoulder; and for
the next four years this benevolent rep
resentative Of Uncle Sam gives the ceme-
terry and the stesmboat ONCE a rest.
Il intended trying this yellow Jack
method on my successor, but It wouldn't
work. He was a Cuban. He weighed 1926
pounds. Yellow Jack was as familiar 10
him as a revolution. He had been brought
up with it-hsd II for a playmate when he
went to school. He positively gloried in It.
/ was disguised when l found this out and
l have advocated the reform OF the consul
lar service ever sipce.
Consul Reads Two Books.
81 had not been long in the service be-
fore l began to find out hat a consul must
be a lawyer, a merchant, a doctor, a clergy
man, an undertaken, a statistician. an ex-
pert bookkeeper, a lightning letter writer,
a linguist and a philanthropist with a bot
tomless purse.
''To keep up with this varied calling l
started to read everything in sight on a
consul's duties, and I am proud to say that
| succeeded in mastering one of the strang-
est compilations ever issued from the gov
eminent press.
1T was called Consular Regulations
This book was neither a novel nor an epic
poem, but / read it-and by next mail l was
notified by the State department that the
book was a back number. A new book ar
rived at the same time. 1t was three times
the size OF the antedated volume-and l
had to digest 1t, too.
The Consul Meets His match.
"one morning, as was finishing my
breakfast, q sailor stalked into the consul
late and deiantly announced that he had
deserted from an American schooner then
in port. l mildly demonstrated with the
man and told him that II would be my
painful duty TO arrest him. This pleased
him greatly and he invited me to fulfill my
duty. As he measured over six feet in
height and was massive in proportion, l
recalled that l had not read any regulation
relative to a %consul's powers in such an
emergency; so I told the sailor that there
was no necessity for undue haste and that
he would hear from me later. He departed
in high glee and l spent the day in solitary
confinement studying regulations AL
though three fourths OF the book is devoted
to the American seaman, there was moth
ing in it, of course, to shed light on the
case in hand. Meanwhile my sportive de-
serter was sprawling all over town and
making disrespectful remarks that did not
reflect creditably on his country or It's rep
| resentative.
IT wrote despairingly to the state depart
ment:
What am I to do with deserter left in
port by his ship
"a month later I received a volumlnous
packet from Washington, containing reams
Of transcripts from law books on the his
tory and nature of deserters. Then, as a
climax. / was referred for further p~articu-
lars to Consular Regulations and
solemnly admonished to form my own judg-
ment from what l found therein. together
with the legal discoveries that had been dug
out for my edincation.
81 concluded to fall back on a cardinal
principal Of diplomacy and do nothing. This
was an excellent solution Of the question
/ thought, as the deserter was dead of vel
low jack, and, therefore, unht for long i'm
prisonment. even in a foreign jail.
started a Sanitarium.
After thai experience I devised an IA
fallible method for the treatment Of my
needy countrymen. Whenever a stranded
American insisted that l was Obliged Il
support him / would sympathetically in.
uuire after his health. This always took
On this hint every case that came to me
developed a startling complication of all.
ments.
The hospital is the place for you
would remark, writing at the same time al
ofhclal note to the head Of that institution
stating the lamentable condition in which
1 found my poor countryman and Begging
tina he be taken in and cared for. Thu
hospital was run by a benevolent old mother
superior who seemed to have an unwaverinl
prediction for taking care Of g~racelesI
Americans. The more tramps / sent heI
the more. pleased she seemed to be. Sh'
took It as a kim OF favor-had some sor
of notion that II doomed her hospital.
"One day l went to see the good mothe'
and incidentally her Yankee patients. Sucl
a healthy lot OF men I've never seen befor,
or since. One after another of the charge
told me that it was the best thing that the.
had struck in years and hoped their goo,
luck would hold out indefinitely. AS tn
mother superior appeared to be especial.
pleased with the condition OF her patient
and showed no disposition to let them go
talked also of building an addition to he
hospital and invited me to come and lv
there-the whole colony may be with he
yet for all I know. When l left that hos
pitaI was the most satisfactory and profit
able feature about the consulate"