Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-03-05
= - - -
AMBIGUOUS LANGUAGE.
A Collection of Absurdities in Alver

| n Collection OF AbSurdltieS in Adver.
/ Using.
| Pail Mall Gazette Advertisers, one
| may fear, do not take so lofty view
I! of their obligations as when Johnson
| offered them advice. Every man." said
\ the photographer that advertises his
| own excellence should write With some
| consciousness OF character which
| dares to call the attention of the public.
He should remember that the name is
| to stand in the same paper with those
i of the king of Prussia and the emperor
I, of Germany, and cndeavor to make
| himself worthy of such association"
| Nowadays, 1t is true, the two poten
| tates named by Johnson are two single
gentlemen rolled into one and their
| representative adyertiscs himself so
f, freely that he must have a fellow feel
ing for humber advertisers. But tine
principle is the same. and one IS justi-
fled in demanding that even the adj
wertsement columns of our newspa-
pers should at least be free from am
| bfguity; more than that in the way OF
style one cannot demand. Yet one does
not give it, Fortunately the humorist
may profit where the more practical
man is aggrieved. 1t is with joy that
appeared two or three days ago in the
Times, even though 1T wells It's excel
lence in q foreign tongue: ON de-
mande un bonn 5uiss on Francois pour
un enfant de 10 mois, sachant bien
coudre."
This chila which is announced 20 be
an accomplished needlewoman at the
age of ten months, is, indeed, an infant
prodigy. Miss I.nwood or Mrs.
Iknowles of the subtle picelres are not
ITO be named in the same breath. Again,
in an eminent daily paper, a cottage
WAS recently advertised let Contain
ing six rooms and two acres meadow"
Its capabilities must have been similar
to those OF the famous tent devised by
.Peribanou in The arabian Nights" for
her mortal lover which would house an
army at need, and yet fold up small
enough to go into It's owners pocket
Another house was described as part
furnished ON easy terms No doubt
the owner had no intention of saying
that one of his sofas WAS covered with
prickly horsehair, while another rivaled
the most oriental divan in comfort.
Antiquities of this kind have Ions
characterized the private advertiser
who is apt to think more of keeping
down his bin than of making himself
clear. We all know the people who send
us kilograms, in which the expenditure
of another penny or two would have
cleared up antiquities that worry us
for hours in the attempt to decide
them The same people are, no doubt,
responsible for the amusing advertise
ments which collectOrS-Who ride a
hobby cheaper than bibliomania, and
more intellectual than stamp collect
ing-have clipped from newspapers of
the past century. A reward was once
offered in print for "a keyless lady's
poll t,.,''
picion that the often-quoted green
lady's parasol and .'brown silk
genteman's umbrella" are but variants
OF this arecdote, though, on the other
hand, it is quite possible that the human
mind has more than once fallen into the
same pit. If we could decide between
these rival theories, how the mytholo-
sists who fight oyer them would bless us!
There is no reason 10 doubt that u gem
tleman who disscnted alike from English
grammar and the Church of England
once desired "a young man to look after
horse of the Methodist persuasion" that
wine merchant wished to sell six dozen
If prime port wine. late the property of
gentleman forty years of age, full in
the body and with high bouquet or
tnat 1t was once possible TO buy so inter-
esting relic as "a mail phaeton the
property OF q gentleman with moveab,e
head, as good as new" In the palny
Feared AN article making lengthy fun Of
a piano advertiser in the Times as 1.-The
property of lady leaving England in re-
ilarkaby elegant walnut case on carved
supports. The adventurous lady was
compared to Arion his dolphin, to the
Wise Men of Gotham in their bowl to
lIelle on Eer ram and Europa on her
hull, and, in short, to all the cases of
tingular travel that the authors memory
could furnish. The delightful Jumblies
Of MIR. Lear, who went to sea in Il sieve,
they did, were not included. probably,
because, like the Spanish Armada i'm Sher-
Hams buriesque, they were not then in
isht
a rather g,uesome advertisement is
that oi the futlicr who proclai1ns him
self willing 10 ''inuile up capes circulars,
etc, Tor ladies ott OF their own SKINS
lie recalls the famous republican t.nnery
ut Meueon, where the skins of the victims
of the i;lillnG.Ge were seit for conversion
snto articles more useful than AN arlsto-
crat VAS considered to be IN the first
Wild wears 81 the range OF things One
Is similarly reminded OF "A giant with
" hqm Jack he GIANT KILLER had to do by
the bone crgshcrs assurance that parties
sending their OWL bones to be ground will
be attended TO with fidelity and dis
patch. Too often we pass over these
things without particular notice. Our APP
petite soon gets jadcd, and. as an Ameri-
can writer puts 1t, In hastily running
your eye over the papers you rarely pause
TO give it's due need of surprise TO the APP
petite of lady who wants ito take
gentleman for breakfast and dinner" the
bemevolcnce of II boarding house keeper
who idvertises that Single gentlemen are
furnished with pheasant rooms also one
or two Svntlsmcn, with wves,' or the au-
dacity uf Il merchant who in free coun-
try openly gives notice. Wanted. a wom-