The Savannah morning news., 1903-11-08
THE GENIAL IDIOT
He Makes Some Political Suggestions
BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS.
Copyright, 1903, by John Russell Davidson.

Were you ever in politics, Mr.
IDIOT" asked the Poet, as Mrs Ped
agogs guests sat at table to partak
of luscious Sunday mornings break
fast of fried chicken and prunes.
No" said the Idiot That is t
say, I've never been exactly in poll
tics"
How do you mean?" queried thu
Poet.
"Oh, I've been dabbled with by poll.
tics, but I've never been in the darr
things" exclaimed the Idiot q
thought once that l was in but the
event showed that 1 wasn't. The only
political experience I ever had proved
to me definitely that it was the other
fellow who was in while l was out "
Anybody ever put you up for Of
hce|' asked the Bibiomaniac.
Once" said the Idiot, sadly
And never again, eh?" suggested
the Lawyer.
Not that I remember" returned the
Idiot. Il hate limping; / abomnate
a crutch. l like to walk on two evenly
distributed legs, l don't see the bust
ness sense of paying $3.50 for a $500
job, and so / quit. l might have been
President of the United States by this
time if ] had been willing to put up
$3.50 to satisfy the demands of a 15-
cent constituency, but even in these
days of brilliant finance l couldn't be
induced to let the pirates play heave
no and yO-hO-hO, using my leg in
stead of a cable"
Then it is true that candidates for
office are continually subjected to de-
mands Tor money, eh?' asked Mr.
Whitechoker
Sir" replied the Idiot, "the condi-
ton is such that if the candidate were
a National Bank. they'd call it a run.
kipling's poem, Pay, Pay. Pay is in
adequate to describe the situation. 1t
IS a continuance performance, a serial
story by Henry James-endless; like
Iennysons brook, running on forever,
provided you are weak enough to loosen
your grip on the first dollar. OF
course if you hang on to that from the
beginning of your campaign to the end
you all right, but it's ten to one
you're walloped"
But isn't that bribery and corrup-
ruptlon?' asked Mr.. Whitechoker.
No. It's politics." said the Idiot.
should think a man would feel
like criminal buying an office" said
Mrs. Pedagog.
All, Mrs Pedagog, you mustn't think
that" said the Idiot 1.-THE money isn't
paid down as purchase money. No
candidate that | know of ever went in
deliberately to buy his office. but he de-
Velops at an early stage of the game
an unusual spirit of generosity to his
friends, both old and new. He's as
cross as the dickens to his wife and
children, but toward the outside world,
he is the perfect picture of beneficient
philanthropy"
Il don't quite see how it is DONE"
said Mrs. Pedagog.
1T is simplicity itself" observed the
Idiot. BY singular coincidence, the
moment Mr.. Augustus Delaney Wig
gins is nominated for the high Office of
Mayor of Pawtucket, there spring into
being in that interesting city all sorts
of benevolent institutions of a literary,
artistic and philanthropic nature. Men
who never cared for literature before
flock in great numbers nay, clamor for
admittance as charter members to the
Pawtucket Shakespeare Society. Down
trodden sons of the soil, to whom in the
past the acme of Art was reached by
the bill posters of the Folly Variety
Burlesquers plastered all over the high
fences of Pawtucket, now positively
thirst for enlightenment as to Nelson
nier, Corot and Watts, and form them
nomination for Mayor into The An
gelus Club with headquarters over
Moriarity's saloon on Main street. In
similar fashion societies of a purely
philanthrOpic nature are established in
every ward of the city. The First
Ward Fresh Air Society; the Second
Ward B. p. A.-beneVolent protective
association; the Society of the Mo-
hawks springs up in the third ward
with the set purpose of conducting
night classes in civics, where men who
do not know how to vote may go and
be told. And so on throughout Paw
tucket. Mr.. Virgins nomination
seems to precipitate wave of social,
moral and phlanthropic upliftment
that ought to betoken the forthcoming
of the millennium.
l"Well, isn't that a good thing?" ask
ed Mr.. Whitechoker.
Anything is a good thing that keeps
money in circulation" said the Idiot
81 still don't see what it all has to do
with politics." observed Mrs. Pedagog.
.''Well, you see it goes this way"
said the Idiot. 1.-TWO days after Mr..
Virgins has started in on his cam
paign, he receives a cordial invitation
to address the Pawtucket Shakespeare
Society on the subject of The In
fluence of Hamlet upon MaeterlinCk,'
the proceeds to be devoted to build
ing a new club house for the Society.
This is signed by Tom O'Rafferty,
Angelo Zaccapetti, and Gotlieb Kat
zenheim, Committee on Literature 1t
is only coincidence, perhaps, that these