davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
Too Well Ordered

Green-Iney tel
me you have got
a wonder for a
wife. You have a
well ordered home,
they say.
Gray Oh, yes.
Clara is forever
ordering somebody
around. When 1t
isn't the girl or
the dog it's your
humble servant.
Oh. yes. our home
is we'll ordered.
and no mistake.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
HE KNEW.

she-Did you know that Maud has a
dark room on purpose for proposals?
He-Well, rather. / developed a neg
ative there myself last night.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
THE NEW AND THE OLD.

The Violin virtuoso-The violin, mad
am, upon which will play this even
ing is 200 years old.
The Parvenu-Never mind. I don't
believe any one will notice 1t.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
X4X4X4XXxx4xKAX

Miss Upterdate-But surely you must
know whether you return my love.
Think--thinlk.
Cholly slimly-oh, dear. cawn't-l
cawn't. never twied to.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
oMNlPREsENT.

Have you any trouble in meeting
your creditors, old chap"
Artist-No difnculty whatever; meet
'em everywhere, old boy.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
Wear and Tear.

1.-THE essential
difference between
man and woman"
said tho cheerful
idiot. lis one Of
wear and tear"
"Eh?" said the
new boarder.
Eyes, sir. Man
spends his money
foolishly on q tear
and woman on
wear"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
CONFUSING

Marie, don't want you to tie any
more strings on my finger"
why. John?"
At wasted two whole hours this morn-
ing wondering what 1t was you wanted
me to remember"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
c. o. D.

Pruyn - In society the gentleman
should always be presented to the lady.
Miss Craik-But that doesn't apply
when the gentleman is a man of rank.
Pruyn-N-no. In that case he'd have
to be paid for. suppose.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17

Gertie-Uncle Charles, what should
you call Mr.. Crossbar-a trombone
player or trombonist?
Uncle Charles-Neither. If I called
him anything should say he was a
COMPOUNDED nuisance.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
Recognized 1t.

Recognized 1t.
Rural Baker
Don't tell me how
cake should be
made, mister. 1
made cake before
you was born.
Casual Custom-
err (gulping down
a morsel with diff
ficulty)-Yes: this
must be a piece Of
that cake.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17

A BURDENSoME FoRMALITY.
II never, never allow a man to kiss
me unless we are engaged"
Dear me! Don't you find so many
engagements troublesome"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
A BRAVE DEFENDER.

Your daughter, Mr.. Banker, is very
cold and coy toward men, it seems to
me-
quite so. She is brave defender of
my millions"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
The Woman at
Whist.
She - Isn't the
rule when in
d o u b t play
trumps? 2"
He = The usual
rule Is when in
doubt ask what
are trumps?"
Very Near 1t.
She-I saw your
dog on the street
today.
Chappie-wash he
alone?
well, not ex-
actly. You were
with him."
The Woman at
Whist.
A Reflection.

A Reflection.
Student = Last
year 1 had six
new suits made
for me.
Friend-I didn't
suppose there We're
so many tailors
in town.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
THE ETIQUETTE OF III.

Brown-Do you think a man ought to
open his wife's letters?
Jones-Not if she asks for money in
thern
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17

QUESTION AND QUERY.
do you really think there can BE-
Jealousy without lover
did you ever k1pW married wo-
man who was not jtAfous?"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
A Free Choice.

Mother-Did you
give Ethel the
choice Of those
two peaches. as !
told you to. Har-
Harry-Yes, ma.
I told her she
could have the
smallest peach or
none, an SO she
choosed the small
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
WRONG.
do you think 2"

WRONG.
Strange that the author of The
Easy Road to Wealth should"-
ooh, know that old gag. He died
in the poorhouse.'
You are all wrong. 1t was his pub
Usher"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
His Face Was Fa.

miliar.
Judge-You have
been behind the
bars several times.
l know your face.
Prisoner Ca bar
keeper)-Yes, your
honor. I have
served you In ev-
cry saloon / ever
worked in.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
N LAeT REeoRr,

Stoclkson Bond-I cannot advance you
another cent on your patrimony.
Lord Earlson-Then suppose must
try matrtmony.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
Her Escape.

II refused him
time and again,
yet now he has
saved me from
drowning"
"Then I suppose
you succunbed at
once"
mo. I had the
presence of mind
to pretend it was
an attempt at sui
eide"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17
THE SKIPPER

THE SKIPPER.
Guest Con yachD-Who is the skip
per?
Mate-A bank cashier
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1903-12-17

shall leave this place. continually being sat upon
m
The Coconino sun., 1903-03-28

Yuma. They will go by rail from Los Angeles to Kingman and thence by wagon to the upper river. MT. lad win is government river and harbor official and the navigability of the Colorado river hereafter will depend entirely on his report after the trip. It is the intention of the government to utilize the waters of the Colorado river for irrigating purposes to the exclusion of navigation if necessary in furtherance of the great reclamation projects now under consideration Star.
 w. Fl. Taggart is in receipt of a let ter from Richard Marsh, whom many of our old timers of Kingman and Stockton Hill will remember. Mir. Marsh is running an assay office at Rossland, British Columbia, and is in- terested in a new process of oil separ- ation of minerals. He desires sam ples of ores from this county upon which experiments will be made. He says that closer extraction of metals can be made by the oil process than with water and that antimonial, ruby, and sulphides of silver, gold, arseni- des and sulphides of iron and in fact all below water ores can be handled cheaply and to great advantage by this process. It might be we'll to have samples sent on to MT. Marsh and have experiment on the arsenous and sulphide ores of this country made by this process. It will cost nothing for the tests and the results will be furn- ished to the donors. -Kingman Miner.
The Coconino sun., 1903-03-28
So Sweet and Pleasing in Taste 1

Mrs. c. Peterson, 625 Lake St., To- peka, Kan, speaking of Ballard's Horehound Syrup, says: "It has never failed to give entire satisfaction, and of all cough remedies, it is my favOrite, and I must confess to my many friends that it will do, and has done, what is claimed for tito speed fly cure a cough or cold; and it is so sweet and so pleasing in taste" 25c, 50c and $1.OO bottle at Pioneer Drug Store.
The Coconino sun., 1903-03-28

March 10th, 1905. John A. Lee of Las Vegas, N. M., was elected president; Benjamin Titus of Clifton, Arizona, president, and George w. Fren- ger of Las Cruces, N. M., secretary and treasurer.
 We understand that Chas. H. Akers, Fl. R. Tritle, c. w. Barnett, Geo. Mauk and others have secured the Winters group southeast of here and will start development work very soon, This property joins the Gilbert-Rowe- Scott property and both are said to be good low grade propositions. Wickenburg Herald.
 J. R. Halsey recently received an in- teresting letter from F. T. Aspinwall, who is in Esmeraldo, Ecuador. He says that some time ago he was badly injured in reck on the Guayaquil and Quito railroad by car running away and jumping the track. An arm was broken and he was otherwise in- jured. He is now in charge of min- ing company temporarily and as soon as relieved will return to Arizona and settle down. -Kingman Miner.
 The desert around Wickenburg is at this season of the year clothed in dress of green and interspersed with flowers of every hue. The golden California poppy is most noticeale, while flowers of all the other colors gladden. the eye and add beauty to the scene. Even to one familiar with the desert there is newness about it. Where at other seasons of the year the giant cacti, like huge sentinels, the palo verde and greasewood hold complete sway, these are now forgotten in contemplating the beauties of the colors, the richness of the harmonies and the glowing splendor of the flower bedecked-land- scape. .-News-Herald.
 In the window of Wooster's book store is Navajo wedding basket which has peculiar tradition attached to it. On the other side of the basket is a strip of brown in the weave which extends all the way around. There is, in one part of the brown strip, pecu- liar white mark. It is said that, at the wedding, the bride and groom to be sit on opposite sides of this basket which contains the feast spread around the inside of the basket and on the brown strip. The pair commence to eat and when they have eaten the food even with the white mark the wedding ceremony is complete and the happy pair are man and wife. This story is told by Indian traders. rs.-Jonrnal-Mi- Der.
 J. Emerson Rose, representing the census officer at Washington, D. c. is in the territory to gather and compile statistics relative to mines and mining. It is not necessary that mine should be a producer in order to be enumer- ated in this list, as the idea is to in- clude the prospective producers, with respective development, ore on dumps and in sight, and in fact, all details in regard to mining which may be of interest. This work will be of vast benefit to all sections of Arizona, as each district will then receive full lcredit for it's output. As book of reference it will be invaluable to every mining man. MT. Rose should receive court esy from the mining companies and the mining men of the territory.
 Capt. J. A. Mellen left Yuma for Los Angeles, where he will join Cap tain Edward JadWin on A trin in a
The Coconino sun., 1903-03-28
SEVERE ATTACK or GRIP
Cured by One Bottle Of ChamberiaIn's
 CouIh Remedy.

"When I had an attack of the grip last winter tthe second one) actually cured myself with one bottle of Cham berlain's Cough Remedy" says Frank w. Perry, editor of the Enterprise, Shortsville, N. Y. "This is the honest truth. I at times kept from coughing myself to pieces by taking a teaspoonful of this remedy, and when the coughing spell would come on at night would take dose and it seem- ed that in the briefest interval the cough would pass of and I would go to sleep perfectly free from cough and its accompanying pains. To say that the remedy acted as most agree able surprise is putting it very mildly. I had no idea that it would or could knock out the grip, simply because I had never tried it for such purpose, but it did, and it seemed with the second attack of coughing the remedy caused it to not only be of less severe, and had not used the contents of one bottle before MT. Grip had bid me adieu." For sale by all druggists. Semi-Annuai Conference, Mormon Church. Salt Lake City, April 4, 5, 6, :, 1903.
 For the above occasion tickets will be sold, Flagstaff to Salt Lake City and return, at the rate of $49. l5. Tickets will be sold only for tains No. ? March 29th., Nos. 8 and ? March Both, and No. 8 March 3lst. Going limit three days, return limit sixty days from date of sale. Route via. Pueblo and the D. & R. G. Ry., Col orado Springs and the Colorado Midland Ry., or Denver and the Union Pacific Ky.
 GEO. E. SULLIVAN, Agent.
 Flagstaff, Ariz., March 30, 1903.
The Coconino sun., 1903-03-28
ARIZONA HAPPENINGS.

The Southwestern Lumbermen's As sociation of Arizona, New Mexico and Texas was organized in Fl Paso, March 10th, 1903. John A. Lee of Las Vegas, N. M., was elected president; Benjamin Titus of Clifton, Arizona, vice-president, and George w. Fren- ger of Las Cruces, N. M., secretary and treasurer.
The Coconino sun., 1903-03-28

Banner Shirt Waists S-the best make in the United States for fit and style Come and what little money 1t takes to get of embroidered batste white lawn or al-over tucked lawn waists. We have many other styles to select from.
The Coconino sun., 1903-03-28

Capt. J. A. Mellen left Yuma for Los Angeles, where he will join Cap tain Edward Jadwin on trip in row boat from point 1SO mile above Needles to the Mexican line below
The Washington times., 1903-09-06
Minute Men to Go TO Gotham.

Minute Men to Go to Gotham.
Two battalions of the First Regiment
OF Minute Men will go to New York
October 6, under command OF Col. NJ
A. Winter, accompanied by his staff
The First Battalion. commanded by
Capt. Leon G. Barnette; the Second, by
Capt. Thomas B. Brown. acting majors,
permission having been granted by the
governors of Maryland, Delaware, Penn
sylvania, New Jersey and New York. for
the organization to pass through and
return under arms. The team to give an
exhibition drill is being selected by a
board of five officers of the line under
direction of Lieutenant Colonel Camp
bell. The Minute Men. as special guests
OF the Old Guard, have been assigned a
position of honor in the military pa
rade October 7. and the reception of
the London and Boston companies. The
Minute Men Fife and Drum Corps will
accompany the organization.
The Washington times., 1903-09-06
PATRIOTIC Order of America.

Camp No. /. Patriotic order Of Amer
lea. held an open meeting last Wednes-
day evening at their hall. 623 Louisiana
Avenue northwest. There was a large
and enthusiastic attendance OF members
and friends. the hall being crowded.
The entertainment included a "Sbose
party" a unique plan for the disposal
Of the numerous articles OF virtu IN
hand-handIwork of the ladies OF the
camp-for the benefit OF the treasury,
the receipts exceeding expectations.
After The exercises dancing was in
dulged in until q late hour.
Delegations were present from May
flower Council, No. Il, Daughters CT
America, led by Mrs. II. Merritt, record
ing secretary; Camp No. l, Patriotic
Order Sons OF America. led by Charles
Abernathy, recording secretary; Camp
No. 8, Patriotic Order Sons of America.
led by President John Lefevre; Camp
No 6, Patriotic Order Sons Of America,
led by Past President B. F. Mcfarland.
District President James w. Allison was
also present.
The officers of Camp No. 4. Patriotic
order of America who are "ner-
getic and alive to the interests AMI I'D
vancement OF the order. are: President,
Addie Mcfarland; assistant president.
Florence Adams. vice president, Hiss
Mclean; assistant vice president. n.
Bunch; teasureE, Ella G. Morris; finan-
cial secretary, Edith Guy; recording sec
retary, Emma Poland; orator, A NJ.
Best; outside sentinel. Miss Lehman; in
side sentinel. Miss Lanham.
Open meetings have become a feature
Of Camp No. 4. Patriotic Order of
America. II will hold another in the
near future. due notice Of which will be
given.
The Washington times., 1903-09-06
Silver Star Lodge Entertains.

Silver Star Lodge No. 20. l. o. G. T.,
Of Tenleytown. met in regular session
last Friday evening in st. Adams Parish
Hall, which it's committee had tastefully
dressed with flags, streamers and au-
tumn foliage. Chief TempIar Finney
presided and Miss Hurley, pianist, led
in the service of song. At the close of
the opening exercises the arrival was
announced of the members of the Grand
Lodge of the order in Virginia, attended
by a large number OF the members Of
Pioneer Lodge of Falls Church and rep
resentatiyes of Faith, Friendship, Min
nehaha, Perseverance, and Little Falls
Lodges of the District of Columbia The
visiting delegations. with the Grand
Lodge officers in the lead, were con-
Quoted into the hall. formally received
and made welcome IN a brief address i.y
positions were then, on invitation from
the chair, occupied by the visiting
Grand Lodge officers for the rest of the
evening. The Rev. J. w. Guy, grand
chief templar, presided.
In few opening remarks supplement
ing the words of welcome already
spoken, Chairman Shoemaker adverted
70 the Intimate and pleasant relations
between the Good Templars of Virginia
and those of the District OF Columbia
the growth of many years of associa-
ton. and testified to the pleasure II
gave Silver Star Lodge to serve as host
on the present occasion. George w.
The Washington times., 1903-09-06
Army of the Ohio.

Army of the Ohio.
An enthusiastic meeting Of the Society
OF the Army of the Ohio was held last
night at the rooms OF the secretary, J.
Fraise Richard. In the absence of Cap
tain Redway. first vice president, Cap
tain A. F. Mcmillan, chairman of the
executive committee, presided.
Letters were read from the president
of the society, Lieutenant General Scho-
field, and from Gen. G. NJ. Dodge, chair
man of the Army of the Tennessee, Civ
ing directions as to the work of unveil-
ing General Sherman's statue October 10.
Gen. Thomas ]. Henderson, OF I'LL
nOis. has been invited to speak for the
Army of the Ohio on this occasion. A
committee consisting of Major J. F.
Stewart and Capts. G. a. Lyon and E.
A. Fcnton and the secretary. Wss ap-
pointed TO make necessary arrangements
and report program at meeting to be
held Thursday evening, September 10.
Col John A Joyce read poem on Sher-
man, which met a hearty reception.
The Ebbitt House was chosen as the
headquarters of the Society OF the Army
of the Ohio during the period of un-
yelling.
The Washington times., 1903-09-06
Order of Rechabites.

AT q meeting of Columbia Tent No.
1O0s, Independent Order of Rechabites, in
their tent room at Northeast Temple
last Friday evening the initiatory degree
was conferred on one candidate Wreath
Tent No 1913, of AnacOstia, paid fra
ternal visit and was received with the
usual courtesies by Columbia Tent.
Charles Elier was elected by unani-
nous vote as representative TO the High
Tent, which meets in this city in October
next Robert Mundan was selected as
alternate.
The tent then passed to the good and
welfare order of business. when remarks
were made by ]. J. Murray. past high
chief ruler, who dwelt upon the neces-
sity for making arrangements for enter
tanning the High Tent officers in this
city on October and ;.
George y. Shoemaker and George n.
Rue, of Wreath Tent, urged the cooper
alton of every member in paying fra
te-nal visits to the several tents of the
order.
The reports of past high tent officers
show the order to be in excellent condi-
tion, and the coming High Test session
is expected TO be cne of the largest of
the order ever held in Washington.
The Washington times., 1903-09-06
National Lodge, No. 5, A. o. U. W.

~'HN-OAoA 1ONSCs AfS- ), n W u w.
A meeting of the good of the order
committee of National Lodge No. 3,
Ancient Order United workmen, was
held at AIS Pennsylvania Avenue north
west last Friday evening. Brother De-
marzZo in the chair. Brother Grimes
was elected secretary and Brother Bres
Iau treasurer. Arrangements were made
for a smoker to be given at early
date. 10 which each member is request
ed TO bring a friend. The matter of Civ
Ing a complimentary entertainment wGs
discussed. and il was decided TO enter
tain tho members of the lodge and their
friends the latter part Of October, due
notice of which will be given in these
columns. An enjoyable evening will
be assured those who are present. It
was also decided to give a ball some
time in November. This lodge has put
on its fall hustling regalia and intends
to entertain its friends. A vote of
thanks was rendered those who partici-
pated in the excursion given to Chesa-
peake Beach on August p. and a special
invitation given them to attend the en-
tertainment, the date of which Will be
given later. The committee then ad-
journed, subject 10 the call of the chair
man
The Washington times., 1903-09-06
Cannot Enter DardanelleS TO
Protect Legation at Con-
stantinople Without Con-
sent of Great Powers of
Europe.
Permission to Do So Was
Refused to Marblehead
Fifteen Years Ago, But
Conditions Have Changed
Since Then.

Although the Black Sea is open 20 the
commercial ships of all nations. the
Dardanelles and the Bosphorus are DIFF
ficult of passage for any war vessel
in case the United States were TO de-
sire to send a warship TO Constantinople
many difficulties would be encountered.
1t is believed at the State Department.
however that a warshiD could pass the
straits If 1t were shown to be absolutely
necessary TO have American troops in
Constantinople to protect the United
States legation.
Under the treaty of Paris. entered into
by the six powers which pledged them
selves TO preserve Turkey, after the con-
clusion of the Crimean war. in 1886.
The Washington times., 1903-09-06
Firing FlintIock Muskets.
The followine come

The following comes from New York:
Beside the profits, figured at 100 per
cent, from auctioning, railing, or vend-
ing the widest range Of donations on
record. from a silver service TO a mar
moset. with such trifies as a diamond
necklace, an automobile, and one hun
dred Jars OF homemade crab-apple
jelly in between, the Old Guard Fair at
Madison Square Garden during the week
of October bio will hold the interest
of New Workers by the presence and
tactics of one Of the most original and
famous military organizations in Ameri-
ca. The palm for picturesqueness and
accuracy of historic representation will
perhaps be awarded to the First Regi-
ment Minute Men. Col. NJ. A Winter
commanding. of Washington, D. C. This
magnificent organization OF influential
citizens Of the National Capital is, in
uniform and tactics. down to the last
buckle and the prlming OF their genuine
flint locks. a reproduction of a detach-
ment OF Gen. George Washington's Con-
tinental Army, for faithfulness to the
model. would elicit encomiums from so
faithful a copyist OF costumes and man
ners as Sir Henry Irving.
The Honorable Artillery Company of
London, though IL cannot be accompanied
by its colonel, King Edward VII. with
its host, the Ancient and Honorable Ar
tillery Company. Of Boston, Will be the
guests of honor OF the Old Guard OF
New York city at its Armory Fund
Fair at Madison Square Garden. The
Londoners will behold in the Washing
ton Minute Men living pictures OF the
patriots who wrested the long suffering
American colonies from the tenacious
George ". IN these confronting hosts
will stand grandsons and great grand
sons OF foemen who fought and bled for
King or country. No blood is likely to
flow In the Garden however-for peace
will reign there-unless It may be the
blood OF the grape.
Colonel Winter is making active prep
aratiOns TO mobilize his force for a
peaceful invasion Of the metropolis. and
has wig wagged from Washington for
police permits and TO announce that the
Minute Men Will cross the Delaware
early on the morning of Wednesday
October z. and will detrain at jersey
City, cross the Hudson with dispatch and
report TO Major S. Ellis Briggs. com
mander OF the Old Guard. as quickly as
Revolutionary veterans could be expect
ed 10 march from the depot 10 Madison
Square Garden On the evening OF
Thursday, October s. the Minute Men
Will give an exhibition drill at the OLD
Guard Fair. The drill will be according
10 the tactics OF Baron Steuben, regu-
lation in the Continental Army.
The Minute Mems uniform is the one
Washington adopted for himself. after
he assumed command Of the Continental
Army at Cambridge, Mass, in July, l775,
and is much like that Of the Royal Ar
tiIlery Regiment of William Ill In gen.
eral orders issued from New York Oc-
tober 2. 1873. General Washington di-