The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1903-12-20

ed several years ago in, Harper's Mag
azine. 1t is one of the rarest and most
! delightful specimens of American
humor:
Hartford, Nov. 6, 1887.
Madam: You will remember that last
May Mr.. Edward Bright, the clerk OF
the Inland Revenue Office, wrote me
about a tax which he said was due
from me to the Government on books
| of mine published in London-that is
| to say. an income tax on the royalties.
do not know Mr.. Bright, and it is
embarrassing to me to correspond with
strangers; for / was raised in the coun-
| try and have always lived there, the
early part in Marion county Missouri
| before the war and this part in Hart
| ford county Connecticut, near Bloom
| field and about miles this side of Farm
| ington, though some call it 8, which
| it is impossible to be, for 1 have walked
| it many and many a time in consider
ably under three hours, and General
! Hawley says he has done it in two and
| a quarter, which is not likely; so it has
seemed best that I write your Majesty.
1t is true that 1 do not know your
Majesty personally, but have met the
Lord Mayor, and if the rest of the fam
lily are like him, it is but just that it
should be named royal; and likewise
plain that in a family matter like this,
I cannot better forward my case than
to frankly carry it to the head of the
family itself. I have also met the
Prince of Wales once in the fall of 1873,
but it was not in any familiar way,
but in a quite informal way, being
casual, and was of course surprise to
us both. 1t was in Oxford street, just
where you come out Of Oxford into
Regent Circus, and just as he turned
up one side of the circle at the head
of procession, 1 went down the other
side on the top of an omnibus. He will
remember me on account of a gray
coat with flap pockets that I wore, as
was the only person on the omnibus
that had on that kind of a coat: l
remember him of course as easy as I
would a comet. He looked quite proud
and satisfied, but that is not to be
wondered at, he has good situation.
And once I called on your Majesty, but
you were out.
But that is no matter, it happens
with everybody. However, I have
wandered a little, away from what
started about. 1t was this way. Young
Bright wrote my London publishers
Chatto and Windus-their place is the
one on the left as you come down Pic
cadiily, about block and half above
where the minstrel show is-he wrote
them that he wanted them to pay in
come tax on the royalties of some
foreign authors, namely, Miss De La
Rame (Ouida), DR.. Oliver Wendell
Holmes, Mr.. Francis Bret Harte, and
Mr.. Mark Twain Well, Mr. Chatto
diverted him from the others, and
tried to divert him from me, but in
this case he failed So then. young
Bright wrote me. And not only that,
but he sent me printed document the
size of newspaper, for me to sign,
all over in different places Well, it
was that kind of a document that the
more you study it the more it under
mines you and makes everything seem
uncertain to you; and so, while in that
condition, and really not responsible
for my acts, I wrote Mr.. Chatto to pay
the tax and charge to me. OF course
my idea was, thatsit was for only one
year. and that the tax would be only
about one per cent or along there
somewhere. but last night I met
Professor Sloane of Princeton-you
may not know him, but you have prob
ably seen him every now and then, for
he goes to England good deal, a
large man and very handsome and alb
sorbed in thought, and if you have no.
tlced such a man on platforms after
the train is gone, that is the one, he
generally gets left, like all those
specialists and other scholars who
know everything but how to apply it
and he said it was a back tax for three
years, and no one per cent, but two
and a half!
That gave what had seemed a little
matter, new aspect. I then began to
study the printed document again, to
see il I could find anything in it that
might modify my case, and I had what
seems to be a quite promising success.
For instance, it opens thus-polite and
courteous, the way those English gov
eminent documents, always are-I do
not say that to hear myself talk, it
is just the fact, and it is a credit:
ITO Mr. Mark Twain: In Pursuance
to Her Majesty Duties and Profits
etc.
1 had not noticed that before. My
idea had been that it was for the gov
eminent: and so I wrote to the Gov
eminent but now I saw that it was
private matter, a family matter, and
that the proceeds went to yourself, not
the Government. I would always
| rather treat with principals, and I am
glad 1 noticed that clause. With
| principal, one can always get at a fair
and right understanding, whether it is
about potatoes, or continents, or any
of those things, or something entirely
! different; for the size or nature of the
thing does not affect the fact; where
| as, as rule, a subordinate is more or
less troublesome to satisfy. And yet
this is not against them, but the other
way. They have their duties to do,
and must be harnessed to rules, and
not allowed any discretion. Why if
your Majesty should equip young
Bright with discretion mean his own
discretion-it is an even guess that he
| would discretion you out of house and