The Savannah morning news., 1903-10-25
THE GENIAL. IDIOT
He Discusses the Domestic Problem.
BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS.
Copyright, 1908, by John Russell Davidson.

much with what other people think Of
me, never dine with my swell friend
Bilkins. because the naughty demean-
or of his Butler utterly destroys my
appetite. He's so grand that / break
out into a cold perspiration every time
he comes into the room, and / get so
ratified when I feel his eyes resting
upon the back of my head that l don't
know whether to eat my oysters with
a tablespoon or the asparagus tweez-
ers."
Possibly you are not used to eating
in polite society,"" sneered the Anglo
maniac.
Maybe not" said the Idiot. You
and l have breakfasted together here
every morning for nearly a dozen
years. Still, I'm not used to naughty
Buffers"
What I mean" said the Anglo
trouble of which you complain is with
you, not with the Butler. We who
have lived in England"
Are used to being looked down up
on by somebody" interrupted the Idiot.
I'm this country, we are not. We are
supposed, every man Jack of us, to
be equals and I'm hanged if / care
to be waited upon by a male waitress
who, because an accident of birth has
placed us in different spheres of en-
deavor. chooses to deny that am not
as good as he is"
"Tush!" calculated the Anglomaniac
English for tut" retorted the Idiot.
"A strong argument in one syllable
which 1 have heard many times. When
l say that four years in college is a
great waste of time for a man who is
going into Wall street, somebody rises
up and says Tut! / am of course
mol 7 no
never swallowed even so little as a
whale-bone, much less the whole whale,
somebody confronts me with Tut,
and l am silenced. If l observe cas-
ually that l think that Shakespeare
was a syndicate and not an Individual,
somebody retors Tut and / wither
into nothingness, but when it comes to
the servant question, l shall not be 81
fenced by any such tutterance. The
home is a queendom, not a cookocra-
cy-"
"A what?" queried the Poet.
"A Queendom-which is better than
a Kingdom" said the Idiot TT should
be ruled by a wife or a mother. and
not by a cook, or a ktchenmaid, or a
butler. But the queendom is passing
and will continue to pass until our
wives and mothers have been trained
to meet the exactions of the strenuous
life. Over in England, Mr.. Anglo
maniac, where everything is institu-
tional, you can have your establish
ments below stairs to your hearts con-
tent, because it's the sort of thing you
are fitted for. man is d Duke be-
cause his fathers before him were
Dukes, a man can be proud of being
the leader of the seventeenth generation
of farmers occupying and cultivating
the same farm. and l have no doubt
that to be a butler with a lineage in
butlering running back to the seven
teenth century is a great and glorious
thing, but over here things are differ
ent and because a woman is a cook
with ninety-seven generations back
of her, doesn't necessarily require that
we shall hand over to her the full con-
troll of our household affairs, and meek
ly bend our heads to her will. Did
you ever go into an intelligence Of
fice?"
Il never did" said the Anglomaniac.
well. you ought to some day." said
the Idiot 1T is the nearest approach
TO the House of Nords that we have in
the United States. You are right in
1t with the leisure class, and while
you may be disappointed in the quality
of the intelligence you will find there,
l think YOU will be interested by the
prevailing atmosphere of the place.
You will find naughty ladies clad in
plush and feathers resisting the bland
ishments of a dainty little bride who
wants to begin housekeeping right
away, and has Ventured to request one
of the imposing figures in plush and
feathers to do her cooking for her on
alternate Thursdays in January for
$50 a month. Hav yez ever had a cook
Defore?' demands the naughty one.
. 81 h,.i,I
only just married. Now, what dye
think of thatn cries the cook. The
idea of me takin on a lady with no
experience at all at all-me that has
served with the foinest families of
Newport. Harlem and Long Island. Go
long wild yez. l take no mistress with
out reference Next a mother of a
family comes in. and like the bride, Sc
cures an audience with Queen Plush.
How many kids is there? demands the
cook. -Four boys and a little
'I'll cook for three and no
more, the brats!' says the cook.
Send two av the byes to boardin'
school, and I'll consider your applica-
ton. Me terms is sivinity-tive a month
and Tuesdays. Thursdays and Sundays
off, a kitchen maid to clean up after
me. a room to meself with hot and cold
water runnin, a years Subscription to
the leadin' magazines, the refusal av
all your ould dresses, an no ques-
tons asked if the cookin' sherry runs
low unexpectedly And so it goes
There's nothing underhand about it.
The lady is in demand, and she's per-
fectly aware of the fact, and when
finally she does deign to accept en-
ployment all the wiles and articles of
a leader of a salon are required to
keep her. She maps OUT her own work,
and will do nothing that is in the re-
hottest degree outside of it. She might
rescue the baby from the we'll by spe-
cial favor If he should fall into it, but
not otherwise and. as for the future
so insistent are these ladies upon the
refinements of their functions. l firm
ly believe that the time is coming
when a properly equipped household
will have to maintain a dozen special
ICED cooks, one to fry eggs, one to bar
becue the roasts, one to make buck
wheat cakes, one to scorch the cereals,
one to mash potatoes and so on. Some
day, in the not too distant future,