The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1903-03-17
THE MODERN FABLE OF THE ES-
CAPE OF ARTHUR AND THE
e.rx-knrnN ON ODE

SALEAIlON OF
Copyright, 1903. by Robert Howard
Russell.)
Once there was a lonely Man who
Married. thinking that he would find a
Home, but, instead of that, he ran into
an Experiment Station.
The other end of the Team was the
original Recipe Shark and Family Doc
tor.
She was a bright, eagle-eyed Party
with a high throbbing Forehead and
she was always on the lookout Tor
New Wrinkles. Any time that she
picked up the Lady's Household Friend
and read aout a Cure for Chilblains,
she would cut out the Article with the
Button-Hole Scissors n then for
Days afterwards she would be snoop-
ing around for a Case of Chilbla1nS so
tina she could work on it.
She had about 5000 of these Home
Remedies up her Sleeve and any time
that Arthur complained of n slight
est Ache or Pain, she lit or him like
a Bee on a Flower and started in with
one of her famous Treatments.
She loved these private Clinics, with
Arthur strapped to the operating
Table. He had been blistered in so
many different Places and handed so
many kinds of Dope that he became
Leery in time n always claimed TO
be feeling Immense, even though he
did no think he would live through
the Day.
She had some awful Things rubbed
up for him any time that he showed
up with a Bad Cold. She would give
him Vinegar Tea and a Lump of Sugar
soaked in Kerosene. Then n would
parboil his Feet and hand him a few
Onion Poultices and put him to Bed
with all the Covers over him., and let
him lie there and Sozzle.
Sometimes she almost drove him TO
Drink but he did not dare to drink very
much for fear that she would give him
some Secret Cure in his Coffee, and
priced very highly.
The Missus was a firm Believer in all
these How-To F1im-F1ams that u in
the Monthly Magazines.
How to Beautify the Home without
spending a Cent.
How to live on IS Cents a Week
11ON ~ OSCO4AIO " A"0S
exercising 8 Minutes Every Day.
How to lift a $1,000 Mortgage on a
Salary of SO per Week.
Usually, when he came Home, he
found her draping an old Mother HUB
bard over a Shoe Box so as to make a
Hall Seat or, else she had a Hot Poke
and was burning a High Art Design on
a Wooden Platter. Not one or the
Fads got past Experimental Lizzie. She
took a Fall out of every One
Sometimes, when Arthur would come
down to Breakfast, to punish a few
Links of Farm Sausage, he would find
in front of him a Bowl of what looked
a good deal like Asbestos Packing.
us it to eat?" he asked. backing off.
1.-THE surest thing o know" was
the Reply. 1T is Hokopoko, n new
tasteless Breakfastino, and it is rec
commended by all the D~yspeptics and
Physical Wrecks"
II don't want to get my dietary
lunches from the Death Chamber
said Arthur. Il should prefer to take
my Tips from a good husky Farm
Hand"
But this has 62 per cent. OF Nitro
Glutine and one Tablespoonful n
tains the same Nourishment thai may
be found in is Pounds of Sirloin Steak"
Say, why don't you buy a good,
strong Dog and try these Things on
him?" asked Arthur 81 refuse to take
any more of this Chop-Feed. If you
want to get it into me, you'll have to
give me Gas and then inject into my
Arm"
So she said she would Compromise
by letting him have some Cereal Sau-
s,,-% 49, a~o1 &C Cnr
sage and o could not tell the differ
ence until you started to Eat it.
What with the Health Underwear,
the Electric Belts, the Pillows stuffed
with Pine Cones, etc., ETC., etc, Arthur
was constantly reminded of the Fact
that he was being used for experiment
al Purposes.
He did not enjoy a real Let-Up unit
little Herbert arrived. When Herbert
was 8 Days old, Mama began to read
Books on the Child Mind. Within {
Month she had little Herby proped VI
in the Crib doing Kindergarten Stunt:
with two or three Old Maids off on TIT
Side Lines, coaching to beat the and
Arthur would butt in OCCASIONAL!
and try to protect his helpless Offspring
and then he would get a hard Call
Down. The MissuS had a large Scrap
Book full of Helpful Hints to Amateur
Mothers.
She started in at Page 1 and CAV
Herbert the whole Works. WheneVe
n one who knew all about the Car
Of Children brought her a new Prepa
ration she either fed it to little Herb!
or else rubbed it on his Back.
Arthur had the old-fashioned Notion
that all a Kid needed vas a Milk Die
and something Rubber on which t
chew, but the Chief of the Experiment
Station had a lot of Club Theories t
be tested and she was working on littl
Herbert every Minute.
This made it Fine for Father be
cause he could shake his Electric Bel
and get some real Food by fixing
with the Hired Girl, but it was a fierc
Layout for little Herbert. Herber
never had a Chance to sneak out t
the Club and tell his Troubles and &c
a lot of Sympathy.
q