davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

joiced in the nickname of "Gizzard.' -
Hartwell Doane, but Hartwell, in the
mouths of his playmates, soon shrank to
Hart" and from heart to gizzard is but
a step. Peters younger brother Abner
accompanied the party, but, as he was
only six years old and played with dolls,
he didn't count.
The rubber boots were Christmas
present. Peter had wanted a mechan-
ical locomotive and a blank cartridge
pistol, but had received the boots and a
young Peoples History" instead. He
was wroth, but the boots were there, so
he felt it his duty to see how deep he
could wade without "goin' over the
tops of 'em," which has been the test of
rubber boots since boyhood first made
their acquaintance.
When the boys came in sight of the
pond Abner ran on ahead, while Peter
and Hartwell followed more leisurely, as
becomes people of experience and big
boots.
whats Alb yellin' about?" queried
Hartwell.
Abner, standing at the top of the sand
bluff overlooking the "'Spring Hole"
was dancing and screaming in great ex-
citement.
"Santy Claus!" he screamed; "Santy
Claus!''
''He b'lieves in him." said Peter,
scornfully; "he amt old enough ter
know that Sanity Claus is jest yer folks
What about Sanity Claus, ABB" he yelled.
Hes down here. Hurry up! Quick."
''Sees somebody he thinks is Sanity
commented Hartwell. HE don't know
any better. Amt nothin' but a kid
What is it, Abby? Jimmy Crickets!
Spuds, look there"
The Spring Hole" was steely blue in
the morning sun, and two or three cakes
of ice were drifting about its surface
One of these was floating about so yards
from the shore below, and on it sat a
figure dressed in red, with fur hat and
white hair and whiskers
by gum!" said Hartwell; "I b'lieve
it is Sanity Claus!"
mere dill uO SUCH luluS, Sdlu
Peter, "and you know it, Gizzard. It's
some feller dressed up
HE hollered ter me-" said Abner
"There, he's holler'n agin''
what did he say, Spuds," said Hart
well, after they had listened for a mo-
ment
Said fer us ter take Gabe Blanchard S
dory and come and git him ashore"
'He swore, then" said Peter; "that
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

make his offer ahead of me. Will you
marry me?"
Mrs. Baker gazed with terror-strick-
en- eyes at the mud-bespattered, be-
draggled object before her
Marry you?" she repeated. why
I don't know you.
Don't know me! Sophrony Baker,
can you look me in the face and say
you don't know me?"
The captains wig was over one eye,
his false beard was pulled under the
left ear, his nose was scratched and so
were his cheeks.
"Well, WE'LL" said the skipper,
mournfully, Il knew I'd been through
enough to turn body's hair gray, but
I'm blessed if thought 'twould change
me so my friends wouldn't know me-"
He put his hand to his face Good
land!" he calculated, Il Iergot 1 had
on them trimmins''
He tore off the wig and whiskers.
Now dyer know me?" he roared.
'Why-why, do believe it's Captain
Peters!' cried the astonlshed widow.
What does it all mean?"
Then Capt. Shadrach Peters unfold
ed a plain, unvarnished tale. He told
of his scheme for pleasing and sur
prising the widow and her children.
He told how he went astray in the
dark, and, after several narrow es-
capes, stepped upon brittle tongue of
ice, which broke and f1oated with him
out into the Spring Hole He feel
ingly narrated the story of the robbery
of his bag of presents. He described
the chase and it's mishaps. But more
than all he dwelt upon his undying de-
votion for Sophronia Baker.
But, Capt. Peters, said the blush
ing Sophronia, "how am to know that
you really care for me?"
'How?" said the dilapidated suitor,
looking down at the remains of his
costume. ''How? Why, say, do you
think I'd be da-that is, d'you think
I'd be fool enough ter go and git this
way fer my health?"
Then the ring was brought forth and
exhibited.
why it says From Shadrach to So
phronia,' said the widow, reading
the inscription. 3I should like ter
know, Capt. Peters, she added with a
slight toss of her head, "why you took
it for granted that I would marry
you?"
'Why, Sophrony? Why, because I
started out ter git yer, and 1 will git
yer, no matter if there's so lubbers
with offers in the way I've said that
I'd marry you, an will, If I have ter
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

thought of somethin'! Stop rowin', Giz-
zard. Who are your he called to the
voyager.
The captain did not answer. He had
acquaintance in Orham, and he much
preferred that the news of his mishap
should not reach their ears. He was
trying to invent a name, when Abner
saved him the trouble.
''Ain't you Sanity CLAUSE" called the
latter.
Eyes, that's it; that's who l am"
cried Capt. Peters; I'm Sanity Claus" ;"
"What'll yer give us if we take yer
"Give yer? Give yer? Why, I'll give
yer each a present out of my bag"
els that bag full Of presents?"
"Sartin."
Cali right, then" cried the triumphant
''Spuds," well take yer off if yer'll give
us the whole bag FULL"
"The whole bag FULL" gasped the in
dignant captain. why, you greedy lit
tie brats, I'll give yer what Paddy give
the drum, that's what I'll give yer. The
whole bag full! You come here and
put me ashore mighty quick"
mot unless you give us that bag of
presents. If you're Sanity Claus you can
git lots more. Besides, you've been
mighty stingy ter me and Gizzard this
year. didn't want yer old rubber boots
and hist'ries, and he didn't want no
worsted tippet, neither. Will yer give
us the bag?''
'No!" roar'ed the captain.
'All right. Pull fer the shore, Giz-
zie"
The dory's bow swung toward the
beach, and the captain changed his mind.
1t would be only a temporary loan, he
argued. He could regain his property as
soon as he got aboard the dory.
'T'll give 'em ter ye," he called" Come
on, and take me Off
''Not till we git them presents. We'll
stay here, and you can undo the bag and
pitch 'em to US, one at time"
1t was CALLING, but to argue was use
less. The bag was opened, and the toys
tossed one by one into the hands of the
boys in the dory. The empty bag was
then thrown in, and the bankrupt Santa
Claus again demanded to be taken aboard
the dory. But the crafty Peter knew bet
ter than to allow it. He united the rope
from the dory's anchor and tossed the
free end to the captain.
Hold on ter that, and We'll tow yer
in he said. ''Abner, put them things
back inter the bag"
Slowly the dory with the ice cake in
tow neared the beach. AS the boats
bow touched the shore, Peter and Hart
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

had no experience. You think twill
fetch her, don't yer?"
Sure" said Mr.. Small, with convin-
cling enthusiasm.
"And you'll stick by me, land me III
the dory, and won't say nawthin' ter
the second mate ner none OF the
hands?"
'Sartin, l will"
alvin" said the skipper, with emo
ton, you're brick. MebDe l can do
as much fer you some day. Have
cigar. Blessed if I amt gittin' narvous
already"
1t was the ice in the lower bay which
| threatened to wreck the captains Won
derful scheme. The Guess Again bat
tered and plowed her way through the
| floating fragments, but her progress was
provokingIy slow. Twilight found her
some miles from the mouth OF Orham
harbor, and with the pack ice ahead i'm
penetrable.
Tides settin' in," said the exasper-
ated skipper. This stuff won't loosen
up none till ebb, and that's an all-night
job. Everything's up spout. | never
did have no luck"
81 was jest wond d'rin', captain" )"
drawled the moderate Mr.. Small, eff
tWouldn't be possible ter set yer ashore
in the dOry sOmewheres along here.
Seems ter me you said the lady lived
down ter the north'a ard end of the town,
and there seems ter be considerable open
water over ter le'ward here. You'd have
| ter walk three or four mile, but bein' as
| it's SO important"
Don't say another word, Alvin" cried
the delighted skipper; 81 don't see why
didn't think of that myself. Shows two
heads are better'n one, don't it? And l
won't have ter walk no four mile, nei-
ther. Dyer see that inlet over there
with the streak of open water through
| it? Well, that's Eel crick, and Ee1 crick
| is the outlet of the Clam pond. What's
the matter with you rOwin' me up the
crick and the length of the pond-two
mile, or mebbe three? Sophrony's
house is only a little ways from the up
| per end of the pond"
But won't the pond be frOze Over?"
"Tain't likely. It's salt water, and
there ought to be strong tide. Any
how, we'll resk it.; come on"
Capt. Peters went below to pack up his
costume and presents, while Mr.. Small
superintended the anchoring of the
schooner and getting the dory over side.
When the skipper and he pushed off they
| left a second mate and crew bubbling
over with curiosity. The bundles which
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

the door and peeped through the crack,
he saw that he was mistaken.
The widow was there, but the boys were
not. She was talking with a man whom
Peters did not know, but whom he dis
liked at first sight. He was a fat, smil-
ing, smooth-shaven fellow, and glib
talker. 1t was plain that he was very well
satisfied with himself, and thought every
one else shared his opinion. Then, too,
his chair was much too near the widows,
and he beamed upon that lady in man
ner which the captain considered disgust
ing.
"Yes,' said the smiling individual
''they callate he was an escaped lunatic,
though where he come from nobody
knows. He was dressed in some sort of
an outlandish rig with fur onto it, and
the boys say he told 'em he was Sanity
Claus. Haw, Haw, hal"
GA lunatic!" exclaimed the widow;
chow dreadful! I declare, I'm afraid ter
stay here alone. Suppose he should run
right inter this house."
"Well, thought of that, Sophrony.
That's one reason why called. Seems
if you needed a man ter protect yer,
don't it? Now there wouldn't no luna
tics hurt yer if I was here"
The significant look which accompa-
MED this speech fired the captains soul.
1t was with difficulty that he held him
self in check, and waited for the next
sentence.
irly of
you, and you know it. That's why l
says to myself, 'Barnabas Badger says
I. that business of Sophrony's has hung
fire long enough. It's time you stepped
round and made her yer offer So here
| be, and I'm goin' to make it. So
phrony-"
Hold yer tOngue!"
The widow screamed and sprang to
her feet Mr.. Badgers chair, which
had been tilted back upon it's two rear
legs, tilted still further and deposited
its occupant in an ungraceful heap
upon the floor. Capt. Shadrach Peters
stood in the middle of the parlor car
pet.
"You git" roared the captain, ad-
dressing the PROSTATE Mr.. Badger, and
pointing to the door.
Lord! It's the lunatic!" gasped
the fallen one,
ooh, Barnabas, protect mel"
screamed the widow.
'Who-who are you?" faltered the
champion thus appealed to.
Never you mind. I amt used ter
havin' ter repeat my orders, and If
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

the dory carried were conjectured to
contain anything from burglars "swag''
to smuggled whisky.
Eel creek was open for it's entire
length, but Clam pond appeared, unfor-
tunately, to be frozen all over. 1t was
dark by this time, and the mate advised
returning to the schooner and giving
up the expedition for the night, but the
anxious lover would listen to no such
proposition.
Z I'll walk acrOst the pond on the ice, -
he said; lit pears ter be solid enough
fur's we can see, and it's by long odds
the shortest cut ter Sophrony's. Chuck
out them bundles and I'll start.
But the bundles were heavy and very
clumsy. The captain tried carrying
them in various positions, but ended by
throwing them down on the ice and
swearing vehemently. Then the mate
had another idea.
Il tell yer, Cap'n Shad," he said:
there amt no use in luggin' them SANITY
Claus duds. You put 'em on. and I'll
take yer other clothes back ter the
schooner. Ter-morrow I'll bring 'em
round ter the hotel. The Guess Again
will be in the harbor by mornin', more'n
likely"
Hotel! Yer don s'pose I'd go ter a
hotel in them red fire signals, do yer?
That amt bad idee of yours, though.
tell yer what. I'll ask the widder ter
let me sleep in her barn ter-night, and
you git my reg'lar clothes round early
in the mornin'"
1t was chilly change and a slow one,
for the captain persisted in dancing
about on one leg and yelling adjectives
to the cold. At length, however. he
stood forth garbed in the red suit.
Are yer goin' ter put on the wig and
whiskers?" asked the mate.
Yes, yes; I'll put 'em on. It's the
easiest way ter lug EN-. Besides, mebbe
they'll keep my ears warm. There. that's
all right. What in time are yer grin
min at?"
"Oh, nawthin'," gasped the purple
faced Mr.. Small; 81 was only goin' ter
-ha-he-sneeze."
He tramped off into the darkness
leaving his subordinate to roll about in
the bottom of the dory with his hands
tightly clasped over his mouth.
The captains walk began well. The
night air was crisp and bracing, the ice
appeared to be firm and to extend over
the entire surface of the pond But one
cannot see far on dark night, and salt
water ice at it's best is treacherous
stuff.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

well with the bag of presents between
them leaped to the sand and scampered
up the face of the bluff. By the time the
captain had pulled his clumsy craft to
land they were high up on the crest of the
hill
''You young rascals!" roared the irate
skipper; '1'll see you some other day
There's a good time COMM
Another than Capt. Shadrach Peters
would have returned to the schooner and
have postponed his call upon the widow
till more auspicious occasion, but the
skipper of the Guess Again was determi-
nation itself He had said that he was
going there, and what he said he stood
behind. People knew him. He deter
mined to wear the wig and whiskers, as
they might serve to conceal his identity
should he meet any of his Orham ac-
quaintances.
Little Abner Baker had not fled with
his elder brother and Hartwell, but had
hidden behind Blanchard's fish shanty.
He had determined in his small brain
that the chance of gazing upon Santa
Claus did not offer itself twice in life
time, and that he ought to make the best
of it. He resisted the longing to examine
the contents of the bag, and when Capt
Peters started down the lane that led
to Mrs. Bakers, Abner followed him.
Jimmie Ellis was leaning over his front
fence, and Abner hailed him. Come on,
Jimmie he screamed. cts Sanity
Claus,"
Jimmie's yell of delighted surprise
brought out five other little Ellis hope
fuls. and the captains following grew in
numbers. He turned, saw his satellites,
and quickened his pace.
Its Sanity Claus!" screamed the chill
dren 'Hooray!"
Otis Gaines numerous progeny joined
the troop. So did the Bellows youngsters.
The captains progress was becoming a
triumphal procession. Ahead, where the
were opening and people were hurrying to
their front gates. Children were racing
from all directions. The skipper left the
lane and began to run across the fields.
His whooping pursuers did likewise. and
the chase was on.
1t led over hills and through bushes.
Across the surface of frozen, flooded
cranberry swamps, and over stone walls
and fences. The crowd now included
men as well as boys, and the shouting
was tremendous. The fur hat was left
hanging on the wild cherry bough which
scraped it off. One fur-topped boot stuck
in the mud, when the foot which it
adorned broke through the ice Of Ziby
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23
WHFN = -
~
SANTYCLAUSE
WENT WO0llG y
JOE LINCOLN - e
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Copyright

"The best woman on Cape Cod or
Fust time ever | see her, I says ter
myself, 'Shadrach Peters, says l,
that's the lady you've been lookin' fer
all these years | made up my mind
then that she was goin' ter be my wife,
and what l once say l stand behind.
You know me-
The coasting schooner Guess Again,
of Falmouth, Mass, Shadrach Peters,
master, was rolling and pounding
through the icy waters of Vineyard
Sound. Capt. Peters, who had just
made the assertion above quoted, was
seated on the locker at one side of her
cabin, with his feet braced against the
stationary table. His first mate. Mr..
Alvin Small, was seated opposite, with
his feet braced against the side of the
table.
Yes, street" went on Capt. Peters;
"Sophrony Baker is all right. She's a
wilder, she is, and they tell me that
she's got two of the incest boys ever
was. | amt never seen 'em, cause last
September, when | was in Orham, they
was visitin' their uncle over in Barn
stable, but [ feel it in my bones that
'twOuId be a pleasure ter be a father
ter them boys"
What | don't understand" said the
mate, slowly, 'is what you're goin' ter
do with them things
Them things" were prominently
displayed on the cabin table. There
was red coat, short and trimmed
with cheap fur; red trousers, fur-trim-
med like the coat; big fur hat, fur
topped boots, and white wig and long
white beard Such was the collecuon
winch called forth the mates wonuer
II callated they'd puzzle YER said
the skipper, rather proudly; 'but
they're part of my scheme. Here's
-t'other part"
He pulled from the locker beside him
a canvas bag. Opening it he displayed
wooden horses, tin soldiers, pop guns
and toys of various descriptions. "Now
yer see, don't yer?" he said; "Santy
Claus
SANITY CLAUSE" said the mate, who
began to look as if he entertained sus-
picions of his superior's sanity.
"Yes, Sanity Claus. When yer want
ter please girl yer tell her how pretty
she is; amt that so? When yer want
ter please a woman yer tell her she
looks younger than she ever did, amt
that SO? Well, when yer want ter make
a ten-strike with mother, yer do yer
best ter stand in with her children;
amt that so?"
Mr.. Small said he wouldn't wonder
if twas.
You bet it isl" said the skipper, en-
Enthusiastically. We'll, now yer under
stand | ain't never asked Sophrony if
she'd have me- but, from what I've
gathered in the h'af-dozen times ! see
her. | tiggered that she want dead sot
.agin me. But | want ter sort of clinch
things, yer understand, so this is my
scheme. She told me once that she
alters had a Christmas tree fer the
children on Christmas Eve Ter
nightll be Christmas Eve and my idee
is ter run the Guess Again inter Orham
harbor, stead of keepin' on ter Bos-
ton. Then I'll take my bundles over
ter the shore, lug 'em up Somewheres
near her house, rig up in my Sanity
Claus duds and bust in on EN- Jest as
they're havin' the tree. Presents fe1
the boys, oceans of 'em. Then I'll say
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

An hour later the stars were treated
to the somewhat unusual spectacle of a
nautical Sanity Claus, seated upon his
pack in the middle of floating cake of
ice, and expressing his opinion Of the
situation with fluent and blasphemous
vigor.
On Christmas morning, just after
breakfast, Peter Baker, aged IL, COM
monty known as "Spuds," was on his
way to the Clam pond to test his new
rubber boots at the Spring hole"
''The Spring hole" is the name given
by the townspeople to a portion Of the
waters of the pond lying along the north
ern shore. 1t is half mile long and
nearly as wide, and does not freeze ex-
cept in the very coldest weather.
Peter was accompanied by his bosom
friend, whose age was nine, and who re-
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23
IMPROVING HIS STYLE.
Experience OF Young Reporter Who
Took the Kentucky Editors Ad-
vice Too Literally

Col. Henry Watterson, the editor, be-
lieves in good English, and not only
writes it himself, but tries to get his
young men to write it Also
The Philadelphia Post says that a
bright young fellow who went to report
national convention with Col Waiter
son turned in an article one night that
was loosely written and somewhat
slangy.
The colonel read it with portentous
frowns. Here, here, young man. he
said, this will never do. You must i'm
prove your style
What can do to improve it, colonel?"
the young man asked.
"Read, sir, read; read books"
eyes, colonel but what books?"
Read Thackeray; start with 'Penden-
nis'''
That night there was much excite
ment. Important news developed. Col.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

average height, according to the late Prof.
Virchow, who made thorough study of
the subject, being from 210 to 227 cent?
meters, Those who have not seen Ma
chow can obtain an adequate idea of his
height from the fact that the top boots
which he wears. and which hardly reach
to his knees, would cover two ordinary
persons up to the waist and could be
used by two 12-year-old boys as places
in which they could completely conceal
themselves Moreover, the mattress on
which he sleeps is nine feet long, and at
every meal he eats three pounds of meat,
together with large quantity of bread.
potatoes and other vegetables.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

ter the widder, 'Mebbe you think old
SANITY didn't bring you nothin', but he
did. Here, that's fer you
That" held out for inspection on
the captains sunburned paw, was a
somewhat snowy but expensive ring.
The mates eyes expressed admiration
and astonishment The skipper con-
tinued:
That's fer you,' I'll say, ON one
condition. Yer must take me with it,
Hey, how is that?"
"Bully!" said the mate.
Amt it bully? Yer see, the chill
dren will be awful tickled, and she'll
be pleased to think I took so much
pains ter please them, and the ri-g'Il
show her that 1 don't mean te be
Stlngy with her, and take it all ter
gether, it looks ter me like a winnin'
combination. But Of course, I amt
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

Fishers ditch. The knees of the red
trousers were scraped through on the
frozen hummocks of Nickerson's field.
1t was painting, ragged wreck of a
Santa Claus, who, after shaking off his
pursuers in the pine grove behind the
Widow Bakers domicile, crept down in
the shadow of the stone wall and lodged
in at the kitchen door,
The kitchen was empty, and the skip
per sat down in a chair and regained his
breath. His temper was entirely gone,
but it was some satisfaction to know that
he had reached his destination unrecog-
nized
"They may find out about it after
ward" he soliloQuized ''but mebbe I'll
have somethin' ter show fer it then"
He heard voices in the parlor and sur
missed that they were those of the widow
and her boys, but, when he tiptoed to
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1903-12-23

proves it amt Sanity Claus. Sanity Claus
wouldn't swear"
''Yes, he would declared Abner,
stoutly, IF he was foatin' round the
Spring Hole on a cake of ice.'
Lets go git him off, anyhow" said
Hartwell, and they scrambled down the
bluff to the beach. Gabe Blanchard's s
dory, which he used for visiting his oys-
ter bed, was anchored close to shore
The boys climbed in, and the two older
ones took the ores.
He's settin' on his bag of presents, -
announced Abner, who was perched in
the bow. 81 bet there's all kind of dandy
things in there"
Hold on a minute" said Peter; eve