davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
HUMOR IN SMALL ADS

Gentlemen can drink. smoke. swear.
chew. gamble. tel shady stories, stare
az the new arrivals or indulge in any
other innocent amusement common -
frst-class hotels in any part Of me
country
Female bicycle messengers on every
floor
Couples desiring the services OF a
minister viii kindly leave word at the
Office. one OF any denomination wiz
be furnished at short notice. we stand
in with them ALL
Parties desiring 10 leave by th9
window viii notify the porter, so thaI
he can lend his assistance.
Hair dressing chiropOdy and man
touring free of charge.
''Don't blow out the gas. II YOU mus
commit suicide, end some other
process.
THE clerks are college graduates
carefully selected 20 please everybody,
and can lea>s I'm prayer, play draw
poker, lawn tennis, croquet shake the
dice. dance q zig. play billiards. take
up a stitch in crochet work, lead the
german. spin a tough yarn, play on
the cornet and plano. put on the
gloves. work the grOwler, hold baby.
deliver lecture and wait on forty
gentlemen at once. They are authority
on an sporting events throughout the
country. can talk Dutch, French he
brew. NavajOe, Army Joe, Greek Latin,
ChOctaW and HOW-de-dO and whistle
the balance. w shingtOu star
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
CLEws SOLVES PROBLEM.

OUR OLD FRIEND, Henry CIews.
" has been a long time coming. bus
he has finally arrived. After ali the
Other well known wall street brokers
and money merchants" had given
every reason they could think Of for
the recent stock market collapse. Mr..
Clews comes forward with the real rea-
son. Labor is at the bottom Of it all.
he thinks. especially union labor. Says
Mr.. CIcws:
"The present reaction is just as much
The result Of excuses OF labor as the
excuses % wall street, with this dig
ference, that the penalty for The latter
has almost been paid. while the PEN
atty Of the former is stin to fall upon
those az fault. Wages and eXactions OF
the unions have risen to practically
prohibitive points under an over
aggressive and over grasping leader
ebip. The coming winter is likely to
see many idle w0rkmen and the labor
movement. a movement having great
possibilities for good. has been weak
pned by its own follies. which VIII be
likely TO cause setback in its ag-
rressfreness for some time to come
We hadn't thought It out on this line
before. but. come to think about 1t.
Mr.. CIews IS rs right as usual. In the
first place. the workers were respon-
sibie for the boom. Look how they
forced the price OF United states Steel
stock to o fictitious value by taking IL
freely when it was offered them by
their employers. The worlmen. OF
course. opened the faucets through
which the water flowed into the great
Industrial combinations. With their
unlimited wealth they engaged in riot
Gus specuIauOns on wan street and the
honest brokers there are even now suf-
fsring as a result.
Men who work with their hands for
dav wages have a little habit OF get
ting together and forming over-cap-
ftalized combinations. They think
nothing OF ACQUIRING a plant worth
500 600. bonding it for $1,000. 600 and
then selling stock TO the tune Of $1,000
900 more. They dash from place to
Mace IN their automobiles, they flash
their diamonds before the envious eyes
III poor wall street and they set fash
ions In wearing apparel 50 expensive
that the poverty-stricken stock gam
biers cannot follow them.
1t seems rather strange that We had
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
His Diplomacy Failed.


One day David Lewsley, bright young
Trishman employed as a reporter for an
fncOnseuuential Washington neWsps per.
was sent to interview" Senator ingalls,
~, = natter of grave national importance.
The senator, who OWNED the purpose Of
the reporters call and did not wish to
talk on that subject. came into TIRE recep-
ton room with his watch in his nand.
II can give YOU Just fifteen minutes, &"
said he what can i do for your
T,ewslev put the question squarely, but
the senator answered after the traditional
Yankee fashion by putting another:
ssYoung man. said he, noticing Lewis
iey's sleek appearance, do you shave
mo. sir"
you ought to- Senator ingalls, assert
ed Every man ought TO shave HIM
self" Tten in that delightful way Of his
he set forth the many adv2 ntages en-
joyed by the man who is his own ton
serial artist He debated on the thrilling
pleasure OF handling the keen blade,
hearing the crisp sound OF the severing
hairs. and the tiny musical ring Of the
tempered steel. and teelng the smooth.
soft surface OF the skin after the stubDe
has been removed. He delivered "a disser-
tation on the esthetic phase OF the case,
after which he descended to the practical
details, telling LeWsley what make OF
razors was the best and highly recon-
mending a certain kind of soap. Then,
still holding his watch in his hand, he
said
II see have exhausted my time. You
viii have to excuse me now.
The next morning the LEADING. article
in LcWsieV's paper was an attractively
displayed report Of this interview.
Then LeWsley sent q copy Of the paper
60 the manufacturer OF the soap which
Senator Ingalls, had so enthusiastically
praised, and for months the Senator had
% grin and bear the sight Of his OWL
broadcast advertisements or that shaving
soap.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
.ssassaasssssssssssssssssss
In LIGHTER VEIN


The Wonderful Machine.
Hear the rattle and the whizz Of the ma
see the wheels and see the eOss that ply
Hear its singing and its ringing and its
See it spin along and note the work il
doesl
Great maehinel Hear it sing!
Isn't il the lovely thing2
See the man who is in charge of the ma
See tae curling of his hair. his dusky
No compound ever made win remove that
For he's furnished with color that won't
He's the boss. Does it sting?
Isn't he the newest thing?
See the. mar who organized the great ma
Isn't he the smoothest one you've ever
Trust not his gentle smile-beware his
For hes out Tor The nazuma all che
while,
This is Joe: Hes figuring.
Isn't he the wisest thing2
See the man who daily oils the great ma
He gets it from a barrel and it's greenl
See him let it 90 when he gets the tip
He's wizard when it comes to spread
This is Denny He's disbursingl
Isn't he the clever thing?
See the man who is behind the great ma
chine,
See him Fighting to keep out Of the tu-
reeni
See him search his jeans. see him giving
See him shudder as the gang his pocket
cleans
This is Toni He's cut the string!
Isn't he the easy thing2
See the poor. white slave who works for
See the meelness in his eye. his visage
See him cringing as the boss throws a
glance his path across!
See him kowtow to the mighty colored
He's the slave, He's laboring!
Isn't he the useful thing2
Feel the Earring that comes from the
Hear the gang release some language
Hear the awful words they say, see the
See the man Who caused the Earring move
He's the' decent Republican! He wont
stand for it
Isn't he the nasty thing?
On her coming eighty-ffth farewell
/ tour of America, Patti is TO sing The
Old Kentucky Home" for an encore
but she gives no assurance that she
viii return to her old Welsh home to
stay.
His address having been mislaid, 1t
! is not possible to reach Tom Fitch Tor
! the purpose of securing his views OF the
/ local campaign.
/ One difference between the New york
subway and surface lines is that the
subway kills worlmen instead Of pas
b sengeTs.
/ That President Roosevelt is held in
high esteem by his Utah appointees Is
shown by the manner in which they
carefully do not refrain from taking
/ an active part in politics.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
EmeRsoNlAN exTRAVAeANcE.

A CCORDING TO A CHEYENNE tel
Il egram. Willis George Emerson is
fathering another colossal chunk Of
foolishness. Willis George IS consider
able Of a joke. The only trouble with
him is that he doesn't know how funny
he is. His latest plan is to move the
capital of Wyoming to a site not yet
selected in town not yet built in a
vaguely described location in Fremont
county on the Sweetwater river. The
name of the nebulous city Is to be
Emerson. after its founder, Willis
George.
However seriously Willis George may
take himself. we do not believe the peo-
pie of Wyoming viii take him seriously.
At least they never have and there is
no reason for believing they will change
their minds. The idea Of moving the
capital from Cheyenne. the biggest
and most prosperous city in the state.
to a town that has not been built and
that hasn't even a railroad, is about the
funniest thing that has been promul-
gated in the west for q long time.
Willis George is not unknown to Utah
people. He held an industrial conven-
ton all by himself in a Wyoming town
not long ago and succeeded in buncO-
ing a local contemporary into printing
his remarks, delivered almost entirely
to himself. in full This IS the Willis
George who acquired a tiny vice pres
idential boom a few months since. Tn,
fortunately for Willis George, the boom
was OF the collapsible order. It blew
up before Il had reached even the toy
/ balloon stage.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

thar is now in the Jale Of boyd county
Ky I degro man bearing the name OF
Jackson ularloe from mazuray as he
says Delivered 20 me bUey O pUr
mitamUs from the Justis of the peas Of
said county on the of June 1862.
P. 4. JILSON."
The Star of Hope. q newspaper. print
cd in the prison at Sing Sing, had the
following:
'LOST-A good character. the owner
VIII give all his earthly possessions fcc
its return and no questions asked Adj
CT ess COntriuOn. Clinton Prison"
Atlantic city has a number of hotels
Slven over 10 stays and one Of these
displays the following signs:
Parties contemplating suicide viii be
furnished with all necessary facilities
and the latest improved methods. with
assistance free and funeral expenses
betrayed
Telegraph and telephone service free
sta tionery and postage stamps fur
nished free
Female typewriters on every floor.
The zest and most courteous atten-
ton given to old maids (the older the
better), and families with small chill
cren Cthe more the merrier).
Patrol wagons, ambulauces and
cushion tired hearses on hand await
ing demand.
Dogs allowed in any room Of the
house, including the family room.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
Easily Found.
washington Times.)

~ e~5AlA1l6 LoH Lltlc5.J
The fact that America is a very b.g
country never strikes one so forcibly
as when he has Travelled a couple Of
thousand miles due west, and still finds
the prairie stretching out before him.
A young member OF the British nobility
was over here recently. accompanied
by his Inevitable valet, James.
They saw numerous seabOard cities,
tarried for a time in PittsbuTg, in Chi
cage. in st. Louis and in Kansas City,
and then struck out into the great west.
Somewhere near the edge Of Colorado
the train was delayed at a small sta
ton, and the passengers got out to
stretch their legs. among them his lord
ship and James, who seemed in a brown
study.
What's the matter?'' asked his mas
ter.
II was just thinkin'. my lord" said
James. that Columbus didn't do such
a blOomin' big thing when e discovered
this ere country, halter halls said and
done. 'Ow could e 'elp it?"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
Tmpendinp CaIamitv.

The Bristow report on the postoffice
trouble consists Of 1,110.000 words.
President Roosevelt intends to ''gO over
it very carefully before giving it to
the public. He will have to hurry to
finish the job before his term expires,
and if he, as predicted, eliminates a
good portion Of it the public will be
much obliged. Hurting a bundle Of
language ike that upon an innocent
people would make the pOsUOftice scan
dal more scandalOus than anyone
dreamed it would be. The announce
ment of the size Of the report explains
why so many pOstOfiice employees are
being dismissed. Tt is not for incOm-
potency or completely in defrauding the
government. 1t is now plain that the
bulk OF the department employees in
Washington have been busy for weeks
in preparing this report and now that
the document is finished there IS no
work left for them. If the president
really has the welfare of the people at
heart he win refrain from a natural
impulse to incorporate this report
without reading it in his message to
the coming congress. That would be
an atrOcity unparalleled in the history
Of civilization. Think Of 500 columns of
report in addition to a presidential
message dumped out in one lump A
revolution would be the inevitable con-
sequence. The salvation Of the Amer
lean reading public, however, is to be
found in the size of the report and
the presidents determination to ego
over IT very carefully" Unless he
means by this to lay the report on the
floor and jump over the pile, it is a fair
inference that he intends to read it..
Presuming that he viii give his statu-
tory administrative and executive du-
ties passing attention, the people con-
cerned in the report viii be either dead
or forgotten long before the reading
of the report is finished and the affair
VIII be history so ancient and so devoid
Of interest that the only publication
which can be induced to print it will
be the Congressional Record and the
Ur1bfip will no shared
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
KNOX ON the olrYs NEEDS.

N SOME THREE COLUMNS Of in
L terview purporting 20 come from
Los Angeles, Candidate Knox sets
forth his views Of Salt Lakes needs
an municipal administration Mr.
Knox's programme is good enough
Tor anybody. he would urge an ade-
puate water supply, an organized ef-
fort to improve the city and a CO.
hesive association Of citizens to en-
courage the location Of new industries
in the city.
As far as It goes, the programme is
most admirable, but Mr.. Knox fails
% explain how the election of the
city Republican ticket is going to ac-
:omplish the things ne has in mind.
For four years the Republicans have
lad control Of the city government;
sverything Mr.. Knox thinks desir-
ible is still lacking, and a good many
hings he would call undesirable have
seen given us rs a legacy Of this
lour-year term Of Republican rule.
Is it likely Bruce Johnson IS
boss of the downtown district will
aid the city to secure desirable immi-
grafton? Isn't it more likely to make
ibis a haven for the criminal class?
Is the injection of a senatorial ma
chine into municipal government the
best way Of securing that harmony
in the business affairs Of the city
which would induce manufacturers
to locate hereP Does the record of
stuffed primary ballots 60 very far
toward building up Salt Lake as a
commercial and financial centerP
One of the strongest points Mr..
Knox makes is his desire for a better
administration in the health depart
ment. The same department has been
most active in the primaries and con-
vention which resulted in Mr.. Knox's
nomination. Does a political health
department contribute to the eff
cheney Of sanitary inspection and the
enforcement Of laws for the proven
ton Of diseaseP The bare fact that
an inspector is active in primary pol
itics is proof Of his ineficiency as a
health officer. If the health depart
ment is to be continued as a part Of
the senatorial machine, that of itself
IS enough to make voters anxious to
change the programme by electing a
Democratic administration which has
no faction to serve, no machine to
demand its aid in petty politics.
The improvements Mr.. Knox urges
are just as easy to secure under a
Democratic city government as they
would be under Mr.. Knox's machine
administration; not one Of the unde-
sirable results is likely to come il
Morris is elected. On Knox's own
statement Of what the city needs the
Democrats have every reason to ex-
pect victory, because they represent
progress without extravaganza, bust.
ness methods without machine inter.
ference, clean politics in primary
and convention as against n stuffed
primary and questionable methods il
the convention.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
Change For lie Better.
CPhlladelphia -

(Rhuadelphla PosI)
Although Secretary Shaw is man OF
diplomacy he enjoys loosing an occasion
al shaft of satire An official who takes
great pride in his dress but who, in spite
Of elaborate toilets, is not conspicuous
for his beauty. recently attempted 10
grow Whiskers. Evidently his eIIOrL
stirred up domestic objection, for a few
days ago, after three months of ass1uuous
cultivation of a black but somewhat re-
luctant growth Of beard, he appeared
clean-shaVen again. explaining 10 MS
colleagues that it was his wites birth
day and that in her honor he had re-
moved what she had bewailed as an IN
necessary disfiguraJiOn.
Forthwith he showed himself to Secre-
tary Shaw, craving commentator
Eyes, congratulate you" said the sec
rotary. your case reminds of the good
wife who. venturing on a change in wear
ing her hair, timidly asked her husband
If he thought IL unbecOminE.
Bless YOU, nor ne exclaimed, trying
his best to be complimentary; any change
would be an improvement in you.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
No ESCAPE.

(NeW Orleans Times-DemOcr2t)
BOraciC acid I'm the soup,
Wood alcohol in wine,
Catsup dyed a lurid hue
By using aniline!
The Old ground hulls of cocoauuts
Served to us as spices,
/ reckon crisp and frigid glass
Is dished out with the ices.
The milk-the kind the old cow gives
Way down at Cloverside-
It's one-third milk and water, and
And then--fOrmaldehyde
The syrup's bleached by using tin,
And honeys just glucose.
And what the fancy butter is
The goodness gracious knows.
The olive oils Of cottonseed.
There's alum in the bread;
It's really a surprise to me
The whole burned race amt dead.
Meantime all the germs and things
Are buZZing fit to Kill.
If the food YOU eat don't git YOU
The ColdaTned microbes viii.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
Are Won YonP


Saturday Evening Post)
Are you a trailer, or are you a trolley?
Abe YOU tagged 90 a leader through wis
dom and foly2
Are you Somebody Else. or YOu2
Do you vote by the symbol and swallow
it 'straight2'
Do you pray BY the book, do you pay by
the rate2
Do you tie your cravat by the calendars
date2
DO you follow cue?
Are you writer, or that which is word
ed?
Are You a shepherd. or one of the herd
ed2
Which areeyOu-a What or a Who?
1t sounds well to call yourself zone OF the
flock
But a sheep is a sheep after all At the
block
You're nothing but mutton, or possibly
stock.
Would you flavor a stew
Are YOU being and boss Of your soul
Or are you a mummy to carry scroll?
Are you Somebody Else. or You?
When you finally pass to the heavenly
wicket
Where Peter the scrutinous stands at his
picket,
Are You going to give him blank for a
ticket2
Do you think it will do?
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

to wait for Mr.. Clews to discover this
for us. Somebody should have thought
o. it before. Now that the explanation
has come, however, let us rise in our
might and wrest from the hard hands
Of labor its nl-gotten gains. to the end
that Wall street may again be en-
riched and all the little sons of the
fathers Of Wall street given six meals
a day instead OF only four or i've
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
Flagman Makes Report.
CNew York Times)

tNeW- \ OK IImtN.J
Edgar Van Etten. vice president Of the
Boston & Albany railroad. says that
some time ago he introduced new sys-
TEN for getting Information as 70 the
destruction of farmers property along
the line OF the railroad. A blank was pre-
pared TO give the name Of the animal
killed, the kind Of animal and other IN
formation. A space was reserved Tor an
answer to the following question:
Disposition of carcass %
A flagman whose duty it was to make
n report on this blank wrote opposite the
line last named:
kind and gentle
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

When woman spends a particularly
long time on her knees in saying her
prayers at night, her husband may know
he has behaved worse than usual that
day.
We suppose there are women in heaven
VINO have been there 500 years who are
sun wondering why their husbands don't
come. half suSpecting that some woman IS
OBTAINING them.
Church White relates that in the early
days OF w hitting, preparations were being
made for wedding. A man went into
the store TO buy a present. cit viii be
quite an affair suppose" the store
keeper said. Not much. the customer
replied with a sneer '-'only two KEGS. -
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
Our changeabIe Climate.

That's the local weather forecaster
who just passed US
.Indctdr lie isn't very healthy
looking man, is he2
'lSo, ne says the climate here doesn't
agree with him"
Il wonder if that's why he keeps chang
ing il so much
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
His Finish.

T
Bifkins-Tes, his father gave him No,vU1
and told him to go out into the world anu
make man OF himself
Mifkins-And what was the resGitt
Bifkins-Ob, he hadn't been out more
that twenty-four hours when golden
haired lady proceeded to make q monkey
of him
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

Chicago Evening Post)

Chicago Evening Post)
care your intentions seriOus?'' de-
manded the father who had come sud-
denly into the darkened parlOr
Serious repeated the youth. who was
holding a 160-pOund maiden on his knees
wei, i should say so. why, I've been
training for this
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

If you don't care for football it is
hardly worth while to turn to the
sporting page these days. But il you
don't believe there are thousands Of
people in this section who do like foot
bali you should sit at one Of The Her
alG's telephones some Saturday even
ing and try to keep track Of the in
quiries for the results Of games here
and elsewhere.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
Well aEeaning.

~ e-7IlAlAe' tJ-t. o.4---f
II ] had as much time as YOU have ia
do something useful said the self-m2da
man.
MISTER said Mcanuer1ug 0Ilhe, Y
really enjoy worzin'. But I'm SO clumsy
dat dc bes way is 20 let society suoslolze
me to keep me hands off wher anyt ing
coin %
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26
Social Amenities.

VI
Miss Muddie-f wish knew OF a really
good way 20 preserve my complexion
Miss Snappe-I YOU keep the box in a
coo- place II viii Be All rLghL. Mon-L u.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

Up to date Dennis Eichnor's name has
not been added to the list Of Republi-
can apOstatcs. However. stranger
things than that have happened right
here in Salt Lake.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

It is really a shame that the big
checks sent TO Prophet" Dowie as
donations" from New Workers We're
bogus, but they weren't any more bo-
gus than the prophet himself.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

Candidate Knox does wen in con-
Quoting his campaign at long range.
'If he were on the ground the people
might ask him some embarrassing
questions.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

The interior department. estimates
that the pension appropriation may be
cut down 81 100000 during the ne,S
fiscal year. It's about time.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

"De man dat has to learn by experi-
cree, said Uncle Eben. is aener-'fv 80
rear broke when he gets his Information
dat he csn't use IT,"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-10-26

The following notice was posted on
the court house door Of a Kentucky
town
~. 3. take pur ticker Motifs that