Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1903-02-21
WOES OF A HUMORIST.
Simeon E. Ford on the Sadness of Being Funny.

L got up Iuere, the TOOn SeeuleQ 10 De
Keeling around me. 1 thought every
| minute 1 was going to faint. In my
| distress 1 could realize in a dim far
away manner that the whole room was
roaring with laughter. 1 gasped. 1
was white and red. 1 grabbed for some
water. 1 got the pitcher and, not wait
ing for a glass, / drank out of the
pitcher. Then they howled. They
thought that was a piece of low COM
edy business. They did not realize how
thin the line that separated tragedy
from comedy"
Just then a card came, and Mr. Ford
excused himself. When he came back,
he sighed:
'Just the president of the board of
trade and transportation of New Ha-
ven wants me to run up and make a
speech, No trouble at all, he assured
me. Just get on the train right here at
the door and get off a little talk.
TROUBLED Why, when am going to
make a speech it hangs over me for
days. 1 almost give it up. Then 1 lock
myself in a room. l write Mr.. Toast
master and gentlemen Then L sit
there and smoke. l smoke half an
line. That may suggest another line.
1 write hundred words, then decide
III give the whole business up. But
Snally 1 squeeze out something. Work
there's no work like trying to be hu-
morous. Splitting rails is pure recrea-
ton compared to it. Your humoriSt is
always a sad fellow. He's invariably
melancholy, sometimes a hypochon-
driac. 1t is the natural reaction, l sup
pose.''
Here are some of Mr.. Ford's most
recent samples of humor:
ON HIS BoYHooD HOME.
when 1 describe the town as rest
full, 1 but feebly describe it, When l
say it was healthful, 1 am well within
the mark. If a man died there under
eighty years of age, they hung white
Grape on the doorbell and carved lit
tie lamb on his tombstone. The flight
of time has little effect upon the folks
there. Last summer 1 went up with
my children. A dashing young blade
of some ninety summers fell into con-
verse with me at the village store and
asked my name. L recall your face
he said, but l can't place you Ford?
he said. There was kind of slabsid-
ed, lantern jawed cuss by that name
left here last summer to go to work i'll
New York l said, I am the cuss, but
it was not last summer, but thirty sum-
mers ago that 1 left Well he said.
Soon as 1 caught sight of you
knowed I'd seen you somewhere re-
Gently"
ON THE HOTEL GUEST.
s"The timid man stands in front of the
clerk, and the clerk affects to be OBJ
livious of his presence and continues
to relate n humorous anecdote to the
commercial traveller. Finally the timid
man plucks up courage to ask the clerk
if he can get a room. The clerk, with
a look of disdain, spins the register
around, projects a pen at the tmid
man, and the timid man feels that the
really proper thing for him to do would
be to get off the earth. After the reg
istering is done, the clerk calls out
Front and haughtiIy points at the
timid man, and the African gen
tleman drags him away and slams him
into the elevator When he is in his
room the colored gentleman brushes
away the last remaining spark of vital
ity which yet remains i'll him and
leaves him in q condition of collapse"
ON THE RACE QUESTION.
81 asked Boldt if many colored folks
had patronized the Waldorf, and he
said he had only seen two in his restau-
rant, and when they glanced at the
prices on the bill of fare they both
turned white. The Bible says the Loop
ard cannot change his spots nor the
Ethiopian his skin, but when that
statement was made the Waldorf
wasn't opened The Waldorf can knock
the spots out of anything, and l pre-
sumo they would skin an Ethiopian
Just as quick as they would a white
man."
ON BROOKLYN.
Brooklyn, as you know, is situated
between the borough of Manhattan
aDd Greenwood cpmptprV-midwaV ba-