The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1903-07-23
THE NONPAREIL MAN

quietly. He, has run over the morning pa
pers and condensed their news to the
limit. Tclegraphic stories begin to come
in from Seattle, regarding the Old Salt
who has hydrophobia from being bitten
by the dog watch; from Portland, Me-. of
the one-legged mems ladder climbing
contest for the championship of New Eng
land; wfen all at once, the Geographic
instrument begins to stutter little and a
dispatch comes in like this:
[Bulletin]-Caro, July 2O.-Rumors from
Ujijji state that the king Of Africa is seriously
sick.
A little later comes the dispatch direct:
[Buletin]-Ujijiji, July 90 p. mixing OF
Africa; died to-day. 80:
i. Then everybody gets busy. Biographies
are written, incidents in the kings career
are fixed ZIP to print; If there is no pic
ture in the cabinet, the, artist hurriedly,
SEXES a cut Of Lydia Pinkham and puts a
crop of whiskers on it to run in the early
editions and the whole force hurries
around and hustleS out an extra. Mean
time the. wire begins to bring in all the
details and by the time 1.-The paper is OUT
there is a very neat story covering his
majesty's life and death from the time he
first came into the world until he consider
atelys condescended. to leave it.
Then the telegraph editor wipes his
heated brow and goes out for a ''sody."
Doc Shirley Of Waconia who usually
spoke of himself as an "eye oculist' and
whose favorite subject of discussion was
the necessity of having all the eyes Of
the school children examined by a good
OculiSt' every three months was very
angry when the board of education rang in
a cold deck or him. It seems that the
Waconia educational board Is made up Of
| one joker and of three or four practical
men, who know about as much regarding
fhoI eli
does Of the nebular hypothesis. This
joker as a test sent a man with a, glass eye
| to Doc Shirley's office and Shirley refused
| to treat the mans vitreous lamp until he
had dropped belladonna into it "to diate
| the pupil" The man went back the next
I day and the doctor said the pupil was beau
tifuly dilated and tried to operate on it,
I but his instruments slipped on the surface
Eand he discovered that the eye was glass
t He was very much put out about it. and
t'6ffered the man $40 to keep quiet But
he had to tell the board of education OF
fcourse. $3.50 }
Doc acknowledged after he had cooled
down a little that the drinks were on him
He said he felt meaner than the Albinc
girl in the dime museum. The aggrega
| tton,' it seems, was travelling to another
town and when the train went thru a tun-
mel the Albino lady set up a terrible out
cry claiming that her seat mate had tried
to hug her. There was some excitement
until it was discovered that she was sit
ting with the Armless Wonder who hac
taken the seat half an hour before while
the Albino lady was asleep. The charge
fell thru and the Wonder was vindicated
/ He told the manager that with the ladies
he stood about as much show as Legless
Man in the football game.
4 ~ Shirley was SO good natured about the
whole thing, however, that the board Of
1 educa ton finally relented and within three
months Doc had the face of every third
pupil in the high schol shingled with
glasses at $40 per.