The united opinion. [volume] (Bradford, Vt.) 1881-1970, 1903-09-25
PIKE COUNTY
DOINGS
Abe Shorter TellC Colonel Harper
About Cussophone"
Copyright, 1903, by C. B. Lewis.l

~OLONEL HARPER had hitched
his mule to post in front of
~ the Pike county courthouse
and was about to enter the
building when Abe Shorter turned the
corner and FASTENED up to him with:
"Waal l do declar' if this amt Kur-
mel Harper! Howdy, kurnel? Jest reck-
oned yo' wasn't coming to town again
this var"
"Howdy, Abe" repeated the colonel
as they shook hands. 1--WE had a right
smart to do out ON the plantation, yo'
know, and am in powerful hurry this
mawning."
Eyes, yo' are busy man, Kurnel
Harper, and I'm not the one to take up
yo'r time. Jest a minute, however.
These yere Pike county scandalizers
have throwed me down again, and
reckoned yo might want to hear about
it."
"Shool Shoe! How was it, Abe"
81 got up last Monday mawning, kur-
mel, thinking to put on a clean shirt.
Hunted high and low and then remem-
bered that my only other shirt was
away in the wash. Sent a black boy
down to Mary Green's for it, and what
sort of an answer do yo' reckon she
sent backW
"Yo' owed her a bill, mebbe."
Eyes, kurnel; l owed her II cents,
and the answer came back that she'd
hold on to my clean shirt till the bill
was paid Think of that, Kurnel Har-
per! Did yo' ever hear of the likes
since the day yo' was born? Only II
cents, and me a rising young lawyer in
Pike county, and yet she wouldn't
send the shirt"
"Purty tough, Abe" replied the colo
mel, "but Of course yo' sent itT'
mo, sab; no, sab. Couldn't do it
after that insult to my honah and prin-
ciples. I saw right away that it wasn't
the woman who was throwing me
down, but it was these yere scandal
tiers who have determined TO drive me
out of Pike county. l thought I'd beat
'em by getting a writ of replevin, but
when l went to Squar Jackson for it
what do yo' reckon he said? Kurnel
Harper look me in the eye and tell me
what yo' reckon he flung at me?"
II can't skassly say, Abe. Did he
hurt yo'r feelings by saying that yo'd
better pay them II centsY
"Worse than that, kurnel, fur worse.
He not only refused me the writ, but
said that if l had drunk less whisky,
done less whiting on pine shingles
and had the ambition of a toad /
might now have been standing in the
shoes Of Caesar Baronius Kurnel Har-
per, do yo know who Caesar Baronius
was?"
Cant skassly say that ever met
up with him, Abe, though I'm a pore
hand at remembering names. Used to
live around yere, did he"
"Yo' never met up with him, kurnel,
and there's good reason for it. Caesar
Baronius was born in Naples on the
Both day of October, 1888 and died the
Both of May, 1907. Yo' couldn't very
well have met up with a man who had
been dead 200 years when yo' were
bon, could yo'|'
"Skassly, Abe, skassly. When 20
first spoke the name 1 didn't know but
that he had lived around yere, So he's
dead, eh?"
Dead as a doahnail, kurnel-dead
befo' a single tree had been cut down
in this yere county of Pike. That was
the man Squar Jackson throwed up to
me-a man who was bon, buried and
turned to dust befo my grandfather
could walk alone. Where was my
chance, kurnel; where was my chance?
Did live in Naples in the year 1882"
Don't reckon yo' did, Abe"
This Caesar Baronius was a histo-
rian and a strong writer, and he made
a big name for himself. He had the
show to do it. If I'd been living there
and then it might have been neck and