West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1903-04-16
JEFF LIPSCOMB'S EASTER.
Col. Broomsedge Reports the Occasi on
with His Customary Accuracy.


The soothing south wind that blows from
that corner OF heathendom known as Tuck.
or county watts hitherward the dlstractine
Intelligence that JEFF Lipscomb Grand High
Scribber of the town OF Parsnips. Is feeling
rough. The news OF coal and timber move.
ments' real estate shufling. oil gushers. gas
spurters and railroad ranlblings, all fail TO
smooth the wrinkles out of his disturbed
feelings. He is spelling for a scrap. His
diet has been so strenuous and the mud so
numerous that when the weather breaks he
is going out on the war path 10 do up the
hrst civilized man he can meet
by thunder" he yelled at the supper
table on Good Friday. This won't DO.
have got to trim somebody up. Business is
too tame. can't get fight out of anybody
IN town And to relieve his spirits mot
Tucker spirits. for he keeps the Jug stop.
per nailed DOWN. Jeff brought his fist down
on the table with such gusto that the tea.
pot bounced off and scal6ed the hair on
the back of his pet wildcat The baby
squailed and its mother threw a plate at
JEFF, which took off corner OF his ear and
broke pane In the window, besides max.
ing pain in his Uranium
Thunder and guns" shouted left. not
taking notice of this trifiing interruption,
Il have got TO get after somebody. There's
the reverend preacher editor !. Ed. Kill
dow. He's in the Humane Society now,
looking after the welfare of Top cared mules.
irostbitten cared catamounts. and one
legged turkeys. | cant get his attention
any more. The editor OF the Philippi Pain.
killer is no good, so I'll have to lei him 60
And Deacon Brown--why. | haven't been
able to bluff him into good old.fashioned
racket this whole winter What is the
world coming to shall have to seek
new Toes to scrap with
And leh heayed n sigh that was as ex
tensive as 81 Fields whiskers when that
party lost his civilization by living in
tucker Then he leaned back in his chair
twisted his feet about to see IL there was
any squeak in his patent leather shoes.
smoothed the wrinkles in his Prince Albert
coat and readjusted his satin tie. In doing
so he nearly shook out bottle of sassafras
tea in his hip pocket
II u give you something to scrap about. -
said Mrs. Lpscomb. you get me a new
Easter hat before tomorrow night"
But madam, gasped Jeff. where's the
last one goryou ?"
"Yor heartless man. do YOU suppose in
this era OF Republican prosperity I am go
ing to put up with a last years hat3 No
Stree. You get me new one Immediately.
IL not sooner or there will be a strike in
the Kitchen"
But where will my Easter eggs come
IN = demanded JEFF. II must have seven
dozen and eggs are up in G."
Il don't care. Unless you get that hat
there will be not flannel cake, not a corn
pone' not an ounce of cleo. not a drop of
postum coffee or an egg cooked There
now"
So Jeff had to give in on the Easter hat
question. But he was bound TO have those
seven dozen eggs. and as he had only sew
enty'hve cents for that purpose. he went
around town and robbed his neighbors
hen houses to make up the shortage. While
he was on this business in the foggy hours
OF the early morn. one Indignant, old hen
picked at his fractional ear. another nm.
loosed his satin tie and a third squawked
so as to arouse her owner. who came out
and nearly ran JEFF through with ba,onet
attached to an old army musket But IeH
got away with his eggs and was happy.
He made four dozen OF them into eggnog.
every drop Of which was used up Easter
10 spite Of the fact that IL had young chick.
ems In il from the setting hens he had
robbed The other three dozen were
boiled. and as Iea opened each egg he
dropped the shell into the coal bod. The
bod would not hold them all. and IeH tried
TO mash down the accumulation by putting
his foot into IT, This would not do not
because the nod was too small for his foot,
but because his foot was too big for the
bod. Then he pitched the shells out Of the
window where the other four dozen had
already gone, but when the grocery cart
came that morning to make a delivery IL
unloaded automatically by running upon
The mountain Of egg shells and being upset
ZFPmAEtAH BRooNsEpcg.