The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1903-06-27

SPARKS
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Say We to Sir Thomas. Good day. sir;
We hear that your boats a good racer;
But we feei, Sir Thomas.
The cup won't go from u.s.
Our Reliance, your Shamrock can't feaze
her"
SAYS Sir Thomas to US: ..IIowdys ALI
II don't get the cup
III be all broken up,
And the price Of my tea, it may fall
King. Peter has shown himself a
thoughtful monarch by throwing
large and choice verbal bouquet to the
Seryian army.
IF Fernstron should succeed in his
effort 10 have City Attorney Nye de-
fend the cOuneilmen in the suit
brought by George L. Nye the chances
are that the city attorney VIII lose
the case.
If Emperor William and Admiral
Cotton only meant everything they said
It would be real nice.
Bulletins from the stock exchange an
nounce that there is but slight demand
for handkerchiefs.
The question is not what have you
done, but what can you do?
It is to be hoped the credentials
Mayor Chin Chan of Plum alley bears
from prominent Salt Lake citizens are
not initiating against his efforts TO get
his wife and child admitted to the coun-
try.
Now let the councilman who held
up" nearly all the circus tickets try to
get some pet measure through and
fourteen members win give him a cor
rect imitation of holding up.
If anyone tells you Bristow is to be
ROosevelt's running mate next time say
you don't believe it.
Kentucky baby has been named
Either one" The parents divided on
John and William and when the mat
ter was submitted to the grandmother
she said: Either one viii do" and it
did.
A Pittsburg negro is in jail charged
with stealing thirteen iron beams
weighing 5000 pounds. It is understood
the Jail has been securely fastened
down.
John D. Rockefeller is planning a Sc
ries of outdoor sports for his Bible
classes. No boxing contests are IN
CAuNCu III the pLOSt diAiAiAG-
A well known Salt Laker had an ex-
perience the other night that came near
to unseating his reason He was walk
ing cheerily homeward late at night,
carrying with much tenderness a quart
Of booze of the spring of 81. He saw
TO his horror as he neared home two
men step beneath the shade of a tree
and pause. Never for moment doubt
ing that they were robbers, the man
looked about with a view to escape,
but soon decided there was 10 hope Of
getting away from them. Then a crafty
scheme suggested itself to him and he
walked right up to the men. with the
following statement: Gentlemen,
have a very sick child at home. a help
less babe racked by a fell ailment, and
I am now fastening &c. the bedside of
my stricken offspring This large bot
tie which you may have observed is
medicine for that suffering little one
Have you the heart to take it from me?
loom, richly studded with diamonds
and purchased at a cost Of $500
by my grandsire. Here also offer you
$3.50 in ready money. a serViceable
watch chain, two lottery tickets, which
may crack the top prize; a pocket mir
ror a lead pencil, a handkerchief and
a bunch Of keys, hut, implore you,
let me pass on with this medicine for
my poor little baby"
Pore feller," said one of the men, in
a tone Of compassion, "ain't you got no
folks to look after you? You shouldn't
be out in the night air this way with
a head IN the fix yours is. You'd better
hurry along to your home and git some
attention QUEER, amt it." he heard
the supposed hold-up's voice continue,
what crazy folks will do? Now, think
Of that durn fool settin' more store by
a bottle he's got under his arm than
anything else in mis- clothes. Wonder If
he really thought we were hold-ups?
There's no tellin' what rambles around
in the head Of a man with a vacant
shelf"
From which It Will be seen that the
scheme worked and the owner of the
precious bottle reached his home in
safety.