Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1903-11-25

from rap1d-t1re cannon, ana you
have the picture of the earth among
the comets except that the earth
doesn't have to be carried home on a
cellar door. Science says these
meteors are not luminous until they
come in contact with our atmosphere
when friction causes them to become
red-hot and scale off like burnt iron,
thus reducing them to harmless size
before they hit the eatrh but that
when this earth's protecting atmos-
phere is consumed, as it will be soon
these meteors will slap up against
the earth in chunks as big as Texas
and the world will look like a green
house in hailstorm.
The final windup of this earth is
the theme with which the wild-eyed
long haired astronomers most delight
to juggle. One of them tell us that
the earth is a hollow ball-with sun,
moon and stars floating about in the
center and humanity running around
inside like ants in a cold apple dump
ling, and that some day the crust
will collapse and we'll all be mashed
in the rush to get out Another tells
us the earth is ball of fire with a
a thin outer crust through which the
sea will some day break and blow
this mundane sphere TO smithereens
and paste us all up against the sky
like coonskins on a barn door and
leave the census talker with nothing
to do Still another cheerful idiot
informs us the sun will burn itself
years and the earth will freeze up
and burst it's hoops off and bulge the
bottom out and we'll all leak through
the hole and land on the other side
of Jordan with icicles on our
whiskers and chilblains on our feet
and there won't be enough humanity
left on earth to shovel off the snow.
If this doesn't happen the attraction
of gravity will slip a cog and the
world will double it's knees up under
it's chin and turn somersault into
the sun-dragging the moon after
it-and the earth'S orbit will be
rented for race course or elsesome
sonofagun will get to fooling with
new electrical apparatus and set the
earth and air and sea afire and
burn the whole caboodle of us up.
These are only a few of the things
that may happen right here at home
and do not include outside influences
that may knock us cold at any time
without a moments notice. An
Englishman says the moon will soon
be too dead to circulate and will
gather up her skirts and tumble head
over heels into the arms of the world
with a dull sickening thud and the
lovers moonlight stroll will be a
thing of the past. Being an
Englishnan this cheerful liar says
the moon will hit the northwestern
part of Europe somewhere between
Blagovetschenck and Bingen-on-the
Rhine, wipe Russia and Germany
off the map, fill the air for miles
around with splintered mOonbeams
and probably upset theWhite House.
But long before this has time to
happen the dog star may gnaw the
north pole off and let the world drop
into Lake Michigan or the sun may
give birth to new planet which will
go careening about it's parent and
buzzing and humping into the world
like bat in bedroom knocking
chimneys and steeples down until
at last it let's go all holds and swipes
the world from beneath our feet
leaving us suspended in the air and
dead broke seven million miles from
home.
But even if none of these things
ever happen science declares there's
no hope for us because in 1000 years
the earth will be SO full Of people
that standing room will be at a
premium, school girls won't have
room to run their tongues out and
the man who chews tobacco will
have no place to spit. People will
have to sleep in the river beds and
all turn over at once or not at all
and the whole earth will look like a
political rally. Atmosphere will be
selling at fifty cents breath and
we'll have to die standing up and
then be driven in the ground when
we get cold It's awful to contem-
plate, but keep right on banking
your cellar windows and taking
down your screens. We've got our
eyes open and if we see any signs Of
dissolution in the atmosphere we'll
let you know in time to bring in the
washing and pack your trunk.