The Western news., 1903-04-22
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Ma5'aVEENNSE$<> j "
Sarcastic: Guest-Waiter. bring me
Z beefsteak. A real large one, as my
eyesight is very poor.-Ex.
Economical Robbie: do you say
your prayers every night. RobbieH
"No; some nights I don't want any
thing."-Ex.
Yeast-"Its hard to keep good man
down." rimsonbeak-'"That's why
they put such heavy monuments over
some of them, l suppose.
Statesman.
Softleigh-Are you quite sure Miss
Banks is not in? The Maid-Of course
l am. She gave me one Of your photo
graphs in order to make me doubly
sure.-Chicago Daily News.
Bryan still seems to think he's very
much like Thomas Jefferson "And
90 he is." "Nonsense" "Fact. The
only difference is that Jefferson b
buried. ed."-Philadelphia Press.
Mrs. Upjohn-"What beautiful floorsl
How do you keep them SO nicely poll
ished?" Mrs. Gaswell giving her tho
icy glare)-"I don't. leave that -
the housemaid." Tribune.
Lawyer-"Have you ever seen the
prisoner at the bar" Witness-"Ne,
sir; but l have seen him many times
when strongly suspected he had been
at it."-Philadelphia Evening Bulletin.
Mrs. Watts-Trumps-Oh, yes, we
had a delightful time. We played
cards the whole evening. Mr. Watts
Trumps- Nonsense, Lucy; we only
played between the anecdotes.-Tft-
Bits. j..
Lady Caller Ito old family servant)-
Well, Bridget, did Master Arthur shoot
any tigers in India? Bridget-Of
| coorse he did. Shure we have the
horns of the craychurs hung in the
hall!-Punch.
sing.-She-"How's the motor
car getting on, Sir Charles?" He
well. fact is, I've seen very little Of
1t. You see, I've only had it three
months, and when it isn't in the hospi-
tai, l am."-Punch.
IF you kiss me again, sir, I shall can
my mother" 'What's the use of that?"
said Chollie Freshe; you know I'd
prefer to kiss you, and, BESIDES your
father might object to my kissing the
old lady."-Baltimore Herald
A Vision of Bliss.-Rastus-"Ah
dreamed OBJ heaben las night" Zelse
Am dat SO? An what did it look
like?" Rastus-"A monst'us big chick
en- roose in de middle oh a watermA-
lion patch"-San Francisco Bulletin.
Subbubs-We've got a new girl at
our house. Backlotz-Hah! It's easy
enough to get new girl, but can you
keep her? Subbubs-The doctor thinks
so. He declares she weighs nine
pounds at least.-Philadelphia Press.
Blessed sleep: "Supposing you
woke up some day and found yourself
a millionaire -what'd you do?" &c
right to sleep again, so that the knock
ing Of the tax assessors on the door
wouldn't annoy me!'-Baltimore Her
aid.
Satisfied Quite.-Nervous Old Lady
81 hope your horse is quiet, cabman.
What's she laying back her ears lilse
that for-look!" Cabby (complacently)
-"Oh, that's only her feminine curiosi-
ty, mum. She likes to hear where she's
a-goin' tov'-Tit-Bits.
Why John Was Absent.-The follow
ing brief but explicit telegram was
sent from nearby State to Georgia j,
recently: Reason John didn't git
home fer Christmas wuz-he stopped
in hotel fer the first time in his life.
an blowed out the gas."-Atlanfa Con
sttution.
Tallent-What's this? Lost,
house dog; liberal reward will be
paid for his return" Why, man,
there's your dog out In the yard this
moment. Gilfore-Yes; somebodyN
come along and steal him as soon as
that advertisement gets about.-Bos-
ton Transcript.
Scribbler = "Confound 1t, Maria!
didn't l tell you not to let the baby
touch anything on my desk?' His
Wife-"Well, you know l can't watch
her all the time. Has she done any
mischief?" Scribbler-"I should say
she has! She's written a historical
novel."-Judge.
Public spirit rewarded: 81 see Sben-
son Is assessed twice as much on HIS
personal property as he was last year."
Yes; the assessor. found out he was
the only man living in the block that
paid anything for having the street
sprinkled last summer, and we socked
it to him. Chicago Tribune.
II see It's become SO windy on the
corner where the Flatiron Building
has been erected in New York that
sometimes people are blown off their
feet" "How humiliating 1t must be
for New Yorker to be carried off his