Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1903-01-29

| he read the more, Nick Carter OF
William Shakespeare?
'Does he play the races, or the
cornet?
SIS he man of his word, or does
he wear wig?
'Have you told him of your great
loss, and if so would he object to
having his house searched?
'Was your horse fond of children,
and if so at what age did they seem
to taste best to him? Did your
neighbor ever lose any children OF
that description?
with paddock or a piece of old
boot? If the latter, does your neigh
Dor know the combination?
did he purchase his wife's winter
hat before or after the horse was
extracted from your barn?
''Was your horse ever bothered
with insomnia, and if SO in which
set of feet, hind or front? Did your
neighbor ever knock you down or al
lude to your horses insomnia in any
other way?
"Did your neighbours father die an
artificial death or did the jury bring
in a disagreement?
''What was your horses age when
| last seen? Does that include the last
time you filed his teeth?
us he a PAGER or walker?
"Very well. You may leave your
watch and overcoat here as secu-
rity. Come here tomorrow morning
disguised as a United States con-
gresham, as 1 may want to open up
a new key of questions. Now throw
up your hands and back out of the
rOom.'
And the next day the man returns
and tells the detective that he found
his horse in the buggy shed, eating
the fringe off the top of the surrey.
Every well,' says the detective,
"now leave your money and jewelry
count three. Jack, go down and un-
chain the old gentleman in cage 49,
He's this mans next door neighbor.'
And so it goes with the ordinary
detective. 1t is easy work.
But not so with the scientist. His
work is never done. From morning
till night he has to be on the alert.
He never knows when or where he
is going to run into a new criminal.
To-day he finds a notorious gang OPP
Grating in the butter, and tomorrow
he finds that the coffee and: sugar
are not fit to 60 into good society
A man goes to the scientist and
says: 81 wish you would come OUT
and shadow my house. L think there
around at night
And, without any clew to work on,
the scientist finds that the cistern
pump is the regular hangout of
gang of blue-eyed microbes that
would kill an unarmed man on sight.
The scnetist is the most persistent
detective we have. He sits down to
the dinner table and some one hands
him a plate of cabbage. 'Ah, have
found you at last!" he screams,
arising excitedly and kicking over
the chair. Sat last, you little chest
nut-sorrel microbe with a flowing
tail; at last I have tracked you to
your lair, and you are my prisoner"
Some one passes him cigar, and
he begins to call for the police.
II knew that you couldn't escape
my clutches much longer, you little
red-headed microbe with three eyes
and brindle mane," yells the scien-
fist, getting the cigar down under
one knee and drawing his micro,
scope on it. Consider yourself I'M
der arrest"
The vigilant scientist while out
| pacing his beat, sees two people kiss
each other, mouth to mouth. "Ah,
here's the little rascal" exclaims the
scientist, jumping between them,
''Here in this kiss is the little sway
backed monster that | have been car
rying a bench warrant for, for so
long. Here's the little, old White
Wyandotte menace to public safety.
roosting right here before my eyes"
And thus it is that science has at
tempted to invade the precincts OF
love. But love will not be molested.
| The people of this country are go
ing to make love, Notwithstanding
the mellow cry Of alarm that is be-
ing raised by the voice of science.
The old-fashioned mouth-to-moutn
kiss is not going around this winter,
making grand farewell tour be-
fore being taken away to the home
of the friendless. 1t is with us to
stay. The violet-eyed girl under the
yellow lamp-shade is not going to
lean over and affectionately kiss the
only man in the world for her on the
left lapel of his coat; and the eager,
yearning widower, with his vest
pocket full of peppermint lozenges
and his eyebrows full of brilliantine,
is not going to kiss the elderly maid
en- upon the spectacles when she con-
sents to be his wife, no matter how
loud some scientist may whistle the