The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1903-04-17
DooIey on Dip
Iomafic Uniforms.
BY F. B. dunno.

Copyright, 1903, by Robert Howard
Russell1
Well sir" said Mr.. Dooley, Il see be
tn pa-apers that tn American amas-
sadure to Rooshya has invinted a uny-
form FIR himsilf It's a plain unyform,
but nate. a chapeau with a long grace
full feather in it, d broadcloth coat
full in tn basque an trimmed with
American eagles in goOld, vest iv tn
same mateeryal, pantaloons iv pale
blue with a d%iIlycate goold sthripe four
inches wide on tn outside seam, wan
hip an two side pockets, thirty-eight
chest. forty-fve waist. TIL ambassa-
dure will carry a handkerchief iv tn
star spangled banner with tn rifle
arms in a corner an will wear upon
his shirt front tn device: e ]plooribus
unum. American ambassadure. Use
no hooks
What does he want with a unyform
anyhow" said Mr.. Hennessy.
We'll, it's a long an sad story" said
Mr.. DoOIey. Bear with me While l
tell it We or do not, as we please. I'll
tell it anyhow. Ye see, in tn arly
days " this raypublic, no wan cared
what an ambassadure wore so long as
it had pockets enough to carry away
what he got FIR his beloved country
firm tn effect monarchies iv tn old
wurruld. We seen pitchers iv Binja-
min Franklin, who was that thick with
LOOey. king iv France, that he cud call
on him amy hour iv tn day or night,
an Binjamin FrankIin's UNIFORM was
a fur cap an a pair iv specs. In thin
simple days whin tn fathers
" tn raypubIic wanted to sind a man
abroad to skin a king, they put their
heads together an picked out a good,
active thraveIlin' salesman kind iv &
man. TIL fathers iv tn raypublic was
mostly in tn fish lie business an knew
tn cap'ble men in thrade. Who'll we
sind to France?' says Thomas Jeffer-
son. This here matther iV tn LOOsy-
any purchase has got to be delicately
handled or we won't get all tn best iv'
it ne says. L suggest Obadiah Perkins
" NewburypOOrt, says Jawn Adams.
Has he had amy diplomatic expee-
ryence?' says Pathrick Hinnery. L
Wanst see him sell a bari iv t%in-pinny
nails to a lady that come to tn store
to buy q pound iy o crackers says
Jdwn Adams. He's our man. says all
tn others. an Obadiah Perkins got tn
job He packed a collar an an eXthry
pair iv socks in a bag, took along a
copy iv' tn Westminsther COnfiSsyOn
an an interest table FIR reference,
privisiOned himsilf with fine cut an
started out. At eight O'Clock he landed
III Paree; at eight-eight he knocked
down a cOort chamberlain ma jaWn-
nydarm an LANDED in tn lap iv Looey
tn Observation-Disclosures At nine
o'clock tn monarch had given him a
goOId watch, a jooled snuff case, a fin
ger ring an a sOOrd, had signed a deed
thransferrin' tn Change All Aisy to
tn American people who have owned
it to this day, an was in fits iv laugh
ter over a story about Silas Cooper iv
Salem which A~mbassadure Obadiah
toll him in tn perfect Fr-rinch he had
picked up firm tn cook iv tn ship
gOin' over. Afther that Obadiah was
all right. He had his feet undher tn
kings mahogany at dinner a on tn
mahogany most iv tn rest iv tn time.
He inthrajooced rockin' chairs in tn
rile palace an taught tn Fr-rinch no.
biIity how to rock without fallin' out.
No wan cared how he dhresSed. He
attinded tn cOOrt ~rayciptions in a
jumper an leather breaches wan day an
tn mex day all tn nobility includin'
tn king come in jumpers an leather
breeches. He blowed in his tay to
make it cool an afther that all tn
Fr-rinch arrystOcracy cud be seen
BLOWN into their tay. He wore a
hat tina had shtud him in good stead
through tin hard winters on tn road
an the gr-reateSt mobiles in France
took to sittin' on their. hats before
gOin' out, 20 make him ook like tn
Hat Obadiah which had become tn
style. An whin he wint away, which
he did not because he was SUCCESSFUL
but because he needed fresh fine cut
an all tn rile family.
Thin was tn modest days " tn
raypublic, Hinnissy. It's different now
that we've become u wurruld power.
TIL sufferin's iv some iv Our ambassa-
dures on account iv their clothes has
been turr'ble. l was r-readin' tn sad
case " tn ambassadure to Rooshya,
tn H~On'rabIe Charleymayne Tower iv
P~hillydeIphy, Pa. If 1 had that name,
dIvvIe Il ear wud scare me. I'd ask
fr no UNIFORM. TIL name itsiIf is ny
form enough. Some names sounds like
OveraIIs: some sounds like a long coat
an a high hat. but C~harIeymayne
Tower sounds like tn clothes a boss
knights timpIar wears ivry three years.
II has forty pounds ~ epaulets on its
shoulders. It's tn kind iv a name
Gfn'raI Miles wud like to wear fr a
unyform. If 1 had that name I'd go
To tn palace in a sheet an iXpict I'll
guards 10 fall down on their faces.
But al tn time he was in Saint Peters
burg. Charleymayne Tower suffered tn
greatest torture on account ~ tn
clothes he had on an tn clothes he
didn't have on. He had no UNIFORM.