The Minneapolis journal. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn.) 1888-1939, 1903-12-10

Humorst.
Brrrrrrr! Do you ever take those cold
baths in the morning? Some people take
the water with the ripples on it just as
it runs from the faucet. Others throw
in a hunk Of ice. An Australian who is
stopping at the Auditorium in Chicago has
fifty pounds Of frosted laketop delivered
daily for his tub He drops this chunk
Of misery into the water and then climbs
in and rubs it over himself till he purrs
in the luxury of his enjoyment.
When we do anything like that we hope
some sensible man will back good strong
mule up near us and prod him with
pitchfork.
| Some time back in the eighties we got
an idea that a cold bath in the morning
was de rigger We were chilly and blue
around the gils all the time and people
closely related complained of constant
deterioration in our vocabulary.
A nation that takes a cold tubing in
the morning is bound to deteriorate
Look at England! No nation on the
planet is SO betubbed and teeth chattery
as little England. What is the result?
| Her commerce Is now falling off like an
Italian bod carrier from a broken ladder.
| There is no evidence in history that the
Pilgrim Fathers ever took a cold bath for
| the sake of a cold bath. They got the
water as warm as possible and got as
close to the fireplace as possible. The
| result was. that they overran New Eng
| land, threw down the Dutch in New Am
| sterdam and swept over the continent
| like a forest hymn. ."
| The foreman on the paper where first
| accepted a position" at 81 a week told
me that about year after he was mar
ried and living in one of those old New
! England houses without a bathroom, he
once laid in wait for an hour in cham
per beside the register cut thru the. CELL
ing OF the room below to let the heat
up. He had a, quart of water and was
waiting for his wife to take a bath beside
/ the stove in the room below. She did
SO, and he inadvertently dropped the
water thru the opening. He said that 1t
sounded like whole lot of crazy Indians
charged full of firewater having a ghost
dance. =,
/ When the lady sued for divorce this
quart OF water was one, of the grounds
Inc Judge said that a man that would
40 that- didn't deserve a helpmeet. In
addition to the, divorce he slapped a neat
little alimony liability on the foreman
The printer explained to the court that
1t was joke, but the judge was not
a humorist,
SO you see that if cold bath isn't
: premeditated it is not acceptable. One
has to work up to it in his mind or it is
shattering to the system.
; There is man in the third ward some
where who is too busy with his own af-
. fairs to bother much about the short
comings of his neighbor.
,, Commander Peary says he expects to
reach the pole. Well, we don't intend to
go out and try to stop him.
A local per last week struggled with
:, the phrase the flesh pots of Egypt" but
/, IL was little too high class for the pa
! pers minions and it came out 1.-THE fish
pots OF Egypt Perhaps it's all the same
If We had a crowd Of enthusiastic fol-
lowers who would freely forward us one
tenth of their incomes we would get out Of
: bankruptcy, too.
The Watch ana Ward Society has been
prosecuting Boston bookshop for sellin;
a certain work said to be immoral After
the proceedings in court the rush for the
stores was so great that all the other cop
:, les Of the work were sold out. We are
:, thinking of hiring an indignant popuiace
q of ten or twelve to burn STONY Lone
some" in the public square. ~l,
: The special session of congress did
+ nothing. You know that senate.
An Imperial Scientific commission OF
G Bohemia has stated that American beer is
,. the best in the world. This puts In a bad
y light those dlSloyal Americans who have
q been topping Imported beer at 10c
per, unless, and we suspect the worse. the
american export beer was of little
: higher grade than the stuff that eats into
n the woodwork of our favorite bar.
: We dislike to see a man weighed down
q with care about triHes, but .on the other
hand 1t is we'll not to be as thoughtless as
the butcher who inadvertently leaves the
bone In when ne weighs the steak
Mr.. Hay has recognized King Peter OF
IS Servia, but it was very chilly nod and
+ two gloved fingers -. .-.-
/, The finest old specimen of Wear!
: Walker in the whole country turned up a
= Kansas City the other day. He was 81
= years of age, penniess and friendless, bu
- from a long walk from Atchison, Kan. tt
q Oklahoma City and back and was feeling
- a little tired physically tho he was pretty
~ clipper. His name was J. A. Prater. HI
~ said that 1T one time he was the champion
> wood chopper of Indiana, and could chol
and split a cord of wood in one hour. Whel
released from the holdover. he was toldl Il
leave the station, but was too weak t
walk down the steps. and so was taken t
L. the city hospital. While he was waiting
for the wagon. he told how he had cheweC
tobacco for seventy eight years and thel
AZ quit AS the wagon drove up he looked
Il! around and remarked:
IL Say I'll bet I can cut two cords o
II wood a day, right now"
L There We're no takers.
re If we We're a Rockefeller. that old fellow
y. would get some OF our money.
lie "A. J. r.