davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08

faint smile. They'll read the in
scription, and then they'n say:
That's Strange"
Nov, Mr.. Depew told this story in
England because he knew how dear
ly the English people love stories that
hinge upon play of words. The
story always tickled his English lis
teners immensely.
well, this Englishman in the smok-
ing-room of the steamer started off
to tell that story something in this
wise:
Well, y'knaw, L heard one of your
fellows-man named Depew-senator
or something-tell a deuced good
story, pom me ward, at a dinner
awhile ago-deuced good, declare.
1t appears, y'knaw, that New York
fellow-man of law, y'know-barris-
ter, believe-was dying, y'see. Don't
seem to remember the fellows name.
Let me see, what the deuce was the
fellows name, anyhow? Well, 'pon
me waird, if / haven't clean forgot
his name! However, no matter. Well,
this chap, y'knaw, was dying, and he
was blooming good natured about it
all, y'see, and he wanted to make his
wife feel less shocked over it all,
y'knaw, and SO he called her to his
bedside.
"'"My dear" says the chap to her,
y'see, II don't want to have a lot of
botheration and kick-up business,
y'see, after I'm gone. / don't want
my name"-deuced annoying that I
can't recall that chaps name!-"en-
graved on my headstone. just put a
small stone at the head of my grave,
y'knaw, and have carved on it these
words: Here lies an honest law
yer"
"'Wen, y'knaw, the legal chaps
wife didn't like the idea of this, and
she told him so.
"' But" she said to him, show will
folks, y'knaw, that read the inscrip-
tion know who rests in the grave be-
meath the headstone?"
"'Weil, y'see, this legal chap was
a deuced humorous fellow, y'knaw,
and he was bound to have his final
joke, y'see, and so he answered her:
""Oh, don't bother about that.
They'll read the inscription on the
headstone, and they'll say to each
other, y'llnaw: That's extraordinary,
y'knaw"'
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08
A JOKE TRANSLATED.
English Version of One of Mr.. De-
pew's Favorite Stories.
chappie Did His Best to Entertain
the Crowd, But Nobody Saw the
Point of the Anecdote But
the Narrator.

when the average Englishman at
tempts TO narrate a characteristic
American humorous story he is al
most certain to make hash of it,"
remarks Washington clubman who
spent good deal of his time abroad,
to Star reporter. This fact was
instanced in 4 funny way in the
smoking-room of the steamer upon
which L last returned from England.
middle-aged Englishman, a civil en-
g1neer, l believe he was, was called
upon to do his share of the entertain
ing-we were making late sitting
Of it-and he started in to tell story
that he had heard Senator Chauncey
Depew narrate at a dinner in Lon
don. Now, had heard Mr.. Depew tell
that story, too, and it went about
this way:
"A New York lawyer named
Strange, noted for his wit, was upon
his last bed of sickness. He knew
that his end was near, and so he
called his wife to his bedside to give
her few final directions.
Little woman said he to her, Il
know that l am going to die, and L
am ready to go. But L could not die
in peace if thought there was going
to be lot Of fuss and feathers made
over me after my death. 1 don't, as
you know, believe in ostentation as
applied to the dead. Now, / don't
even want my name carved on my
headstone. L wish you'd just have a
modest headstone erected over my
grave, with these words carved on it:
Here lies an honest lawyer"
"The dying lawyers wife demurred
at this.
How she asked her husband,
will people visiting the cemetery
know from the inscription on the
headstone who lies in the grave?'
ooh, they'll know, all right re-
piled the passing man of law, with
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08
The Southern Railways Palatial Rich
mond and Florida Limited.

Inc Washington, Richmond and Florida
Ihtnlteo Is the name of the Southern s
new train, inaugurated Nov. "a. 1901.
ana Is being operated daily between
washington, Richmond and jackson
vile, Fla 1t is in every detail a com
piete train, composed of day coaches of
the very, latest improved patterns.
Pullman drawing.room cars and dining
cars. The day coaches go through
from Washington and Richmond TO
Sharlotte, Columbia, Savannah and
Jacksonville, and at Richmond a draw
lng.room sleeper is added going through
10 Atlanta and Birmingham. At.Cba--
iotte this sleeper is attached TO the I'm
lteo States Fast Mail, forming through
service for New Orleans, Memphis and
all the South and Southwest. THE inn
portant connections and quick time
MADE by this train makes il ONE Of
great Importance to Richmond and the
territory through which it runs.
It leaves Washington, daily fO.5O a
m, Richmond $50 p. M, arriving
Jacksonville 9:15 a. m. following morn.
ing, and correspondingly quick time is
nlaee TO all other Southern points. This
service is in addition to the numerous
sralns operated daily over the main
hne. thus making five limited trains
daliy with dining car service between
the North and South over the Southern.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08

get hurt" "Bin" having climbed into
the buggy, 1 ordered the commend TO
resume the interesting march. Meet
ing mounted Citizen" j ordered him
to fall in" and on we went. Pres
emily we ran up against a man leading
mule; then a boy with a COW; two
more mounted men; another buggy.
They adj "fell in" Bill" and the al
legged doctor constituted sort of rear
guard, especially "Bill." Men kept
"fallin' in" Finally we captured one
of the furloughed soldiers, one of the
objects of the expedition-found him
in a garden pulling weeds. Not a shot
was fired; no blood was shed. In pass
ing log house we were charged by a
bob-tailed little yellow dog. He
dashed at us bravely as would Custer
or "Jeb" Stuart. One of my men was
in the act of repelling the charge with
ms oayonet, when the old lady OF the
house appeared at the door. Pushing
her brass-framed "specks" to the sum-
init of her head, and removing her CLAW
pipe from her mouth, exclaimed: la,
boys, don't be afraid of Sancho. He
won't bite nuthin' but bread an meat"
The dog almost Immediately turned
and, if he had not been bob-tailed,
would have tucked his tail"
We soon captured the second fur
loughed man, brother to my guide,
and, as he was a conscript, he wanted
to move his family within our lines.
L wanted to be accommodating, but
how to arrange matters was problem
adcal. put soldiers on the horses
of the mounted citizens" The cap
tive's wife and children 1 put into the
buggy with BILL" making the doctor
% walk. 1t was a grand procession.
There was two-wheeled cart drawn
by yoke of oxen and the captive's
COW, also harnessed to cart, hauling
household and kitchen furniture.
Three pigs and a calf were also along.
Returning to camp ordered the men
who had fallen in" to "faIl out"
when they severally came to the places
where they had "falleu i'm At the
crossroads 1 told the doctor (?) to 90
home. He wanted to know why had
made him make the round trip with
me. For the same reason" said I.
that l took the others-to keep $50
men from attacking 49,
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08
Was Favored by Nature.

a dignified bishop, while passing
along a London street, heard three
vegetable peddlers engaged in rath-
er blasphemous argument. Intending
to rebuke them, he said to one of the
offenders: my good man, where did
you learn to swear like that?" Lord
luv yer, guv'nor," replied the brawny
peddler, clapping him genially on the
shoulder, eye can't learn it; it's
piftl"
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08

skirmish with gentle words, negotia-
tions opened.
johnny, have you any 'tobacker'
about them ole butternut close
o'youru2"
Yes. 'Yank.' Have you got any
store coffee?"
"Cain-seed. What's in yourn?"
Some drops the doctor gave me for
my rheumatism. But. say, Johnny, /
haven't got any 'rheumatics.' The can
teen is nearly full. Take 'suthin.' May
be you've got some 'rheuma ties"
or course, | had 'em. Well, we
"swapped around" until, the time be-
ing propitious, / suggested that he give
me story, / having none to give in re-
turn. ] got the story all right, which
is somewhat as follows:
Some time in the fall of 1865, while
what was left of our brigade was sta
toned at Plymouth, n. C., the lieuten-
ant colonel of our regiment came TO
my quarters and informed me that
Gen. Vessels wanted to see me. Re
porting to "Old Pap"-the name bv
which all the boys affectionately called
the general-he told me that there
were two confederate soldiers a home
on furlough about ten miles beyond
our lines, and that he wanted me to
take l3 men and go and bring those
rebs into camp. He also gave me a
guide, brother 10 one of the men whom
was to arrest" Now, the country
was infested with what we called 'guer-
rillas; that is to say that along the
route was TO travel there were bout
$50 old men, boys, and discharged
'Johnnies,' who, while not soldiers.
were armed and, by some sort of
grapevine-telegraph, could get them
selves together in short order, and
make things pretty warm for us if
"we'uns" went "foolin' round,. their
haunts in small bodies. The next morn
ing my little army, with Springfields
and 200 rounds for each man, marched
out in battle array. just out side our
lines / halted my command and or
dered my men 10 load the guns, At the
same time reading an order, on dress
parade, to-wit: "No unnecessary noise
on this trip" About a mile from the
lines we met buggy and lifted up a
loud voice, crying; Halt The buggy
promptly came to standstill and l dis
covered therein a sharp-lookinp old
man whom l would not select TO con-
duct prayer meeting. The interview
was somewhat like this:
Where are you going?"
ITO see a sick woman"
"Are you a physician?"
Certainly, sir"
els the lady dangerously ill?"
"Well-yes-she is very Sick
LET me see your medicine case"
81 don't carry any"
Have you any material thing about
your person OF in the buggy to offer
In evidence that you are a physician ?'
Unfortunately, I have not"
"Are you well. yourself?"
81 think so. Why?"
Because" / replied, eff you are not
well think a ride in the direction we
are going will be good for you, and as
L have man here who has had con-
siderable experience in anatomy and
who would be delighted to converse
with you concerning matters thera-
peutical,' I suggest that you invite
him to take seat beside you in the
buggy. He is a good soldier, a dead
shot and will see that you do not
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08

The worlds greatest living Specialist
who discovered the grandest remedy ev-
er known which has been the means of
curing thousands CT men of nervous de-
biity, lost vigor, varicocele, night losses
failing memory, and all other consequeu
ces Of youthful ignorance or other caus-
es, and restoring the organs to full
strength and vigor sends free to every
sufferer the entire receipt so that each
despairing man may cure himself at
home and thus obtain the grsat result of
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08
SIY Cunid-

Cupid is merry rascal,
Arch deceiver ne,
Ever taking others captive,
He himself is free
Stealing-hearts his richest plumber
Thinks IT naught but sport.
Still, Of one thing he's not guilty
That's contempt OF court
Philadelphia Bulletin.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08
between Good Friends

Edith-He says ne loves me for mv.
self alone. What do YOU think o. II :
Ethel-Well, IT'S h"rd telling whe h.
er he's drawing on lis humor or his
va 0ination JUDGE.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08
CommercialIsm.

81 suppose you have to be very diplo-
matte in approaching members of your
legislature with offers of money!
'Yes, indeed, answered Senator Sor-
ghum. IF you don't look sharp they'll
charge you three or four times as much
as they are worth. "-Washingt Star.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08

perfect manly strength and vigor for
life.
The doctor wants all sufferering men
to share with him the knowledge he has
personally obtaiued. He sends the re-
ceipt free, and all the reader need do is
to send his name and address co L. w.
Knapp. M. D., 1922 Hull Building, De-
troit, Mich, requesting the free receipt
as reported in this paper. 1t is gener-
Gus offer and all men ought to be glad
to have such an opportunity.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08
stiII Another

La Mont-Science is trying to prove
that laziness is disease.
La Moyne-Great goodnessi There
are enough incurable diseases already.
Chicago Daily News
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08
Nothing to worry About.

Old Gentleman-My starsi Why are
you smoking on that key?
Quarryman-Arra, be aisy. This
amt dynamite. It's nuthin' but DOW
der.-N. Y. Weekly.
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1902-03-08
A News Average.

Hustling Editor-How many MUIR
ders did that man commit?
Assistant-One reporter says three,
another says five, and another saws
nine.
Hustling Editor-Three, five, nine,
Ell? oh, well, wen have to strike an
average. Make it 359.-N. Y. Weekly.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14
A SELF-ADJUSTED
CHRISTMAS
By JAMES VAUDEVILLE.

If there was one thing that the Ire
vor family could do-from one end of
the chain of rela tionship to the 9TH
er-it was to make the best of every
thing. 1t followed that a SUMMER more
cheerful family couldn't be found in
the county-no, or in any other county
or a whole stateful of counties.
But on this day before Christmas,
Jack Trevor, who generally achieved
the difficult distinction of being the
most cheerful of them all, was in a
way to ruin the reputation of the FAM
lily forever. He had begun at six
o'clock by being disappointed down to
the tips of his boots. and that was a
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14

long distance, for those boots vera
almost SIX feet below the top of his
head. AT 3 o'clock he was disappointed
again. ana actually beginning to find
tnat he was an afflicted person. Az
~ O'CLOCK he was imbued with self
pity, which is serious matter. A
person cannot pity himself without.
CONSCIOUSLY or unconsciously. feeling
bitter toward somebody else. So at II
O'Clock he had arrived by easy stages
at the signDost of the Gloomy Pessi-
mist, where a great many travellers
vile. "Ao
POSSIBLY, IL he had not been a IRE
vor, he might have been N the denths
OF misery at O'Clock without waiting
Tor better opportunity: for at that
early hour after a cold, dismal drive
through the mist-dripping sea land
scape, he had reached the wharf an
the inlet only to find that, because Of
u proken piston or valve. or "sorne-
tnlng, the night boat from the oitv
had not sailed. They always called -
the night" boat at Lone Dune. al
though plain boat" would have done
as well. seeing that there never was
and never had been and never rrorn-
Used to be day" boat.
The non-arrival Of this one parftou.
lar boat would have made Some nor
sons entirely miserable right AWAY 81
they had been In Jack Treyor's nIaca
For MS mother and father-the jolliest
mother and father in the whole world
barring only our own--had gone ~
town expressly to bring back a certain
large party OF youthful aunts and I'm
cies and still more youthful cousins
ana their cousins TO make a roaring
christmas eve in the huge lonely house
by the OCEAN. Best OF all. or, rather.
worst of all now that they had not ar.
rived, there was somebody else. Her
name was Margaret.
Jack Trevor drove back TO the house
f7e hardly cast a glance at the CHEEKY.
glowing Christmas decorations OF ce-
dar and holly that covered porch and
doors. The garlanded hall that had
received his loving attentions until late
the night before didn't get even a con-
descending look.
II took a good half hour for him 10
get 70 feeling like Trevor again
Then he said "a himself that ne must
bruce up" Braeipg up with the Tree
yors meant bright eyes and a whistle.
~ the time he had begun 10 harness
his mare for q drive 80 the railroad
station, be wa in happy possession 81
both signs Of restored good iempeF
The train that reached Lone Dune ~
8 O'Clock was bic objective point Ne
watched u safafiy ~ - stopped, Tor
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14
HOW SANTA CLAUS DRIVES
HIS TEAM OF REINDEER

If you would know what troubles
santa Claus has,, you should try to
drive his reindeer team from his home
10 the town and back again.
Santa Claus is subject to upsets;
his reindeer often are balky, and snow
banks block his road again and again.
Sometimes he is so unfortunate as
not to awake when his alarm, clock
rings; then he has to rush with might
and main to visit all the houses in the
town before morning.
Figure 1 shows the arrow of fate
which points out the fortune of travel
ers. To make the arrow of fate, get
the cover of a small tin box, such as
the ones in which shoe backing or
gun caps are sold, as shown in figure
2. With a hammer and a nail punch
a hole through the center.
Make the arrow out of the thin
wood of a cigar box. Bore a hole
through it's center.
Push a piece of wire through the
arrow and through the hole in the
center of the. tin cover. Twist each
end of the wire around so that it will
hold the arrow and the tin together.
Figure is the lower side of the
tin showing the end of the wire.
Figure shows the shape in which
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14

by going out to make Christmas eve
for others.
II he had not gone TO Captain Hor-
ner's house, the Post Light would not
have been lit. And if the Post Light
had not been lit the night boat, away
ahead of time and hopelessly out of
her cc1rse in the sudden storm, would
have been wrecked on the Shoal. She
was heading straight for it. many
miles away from where she should
have been. when her lookout sighted
the red light and she swung off with
not a foot to spare.
Her captain had decided wisely to
anchor where he was until morning.
And the Trevor party had prevailed on
him to let them go ashore to give the
little H0rners a Christmas.
They were disappointed in that. OF
course. The little Horners had all the
Christmas they could handle
But the Trevors managed to use IL
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14

small block of wood. This will make
a slit into which the feet of Santa
Claus or his reindeer can be inserted
Figure shows Santa Claus; figure Z
a reindeer.
The sled can be best made from stiff
writing paper. Fold the paper down
the center land cut it into the shape
shown in figure s. The paper is folded
down the center so that two thick
nesses can be cut at once. This enables
you to make both sides of the sled
alike. After cutting, as shown in the
diagram, straighten out the paper, then
fold down the runners and fold UP the
dashboard where indicated by dotted
lines. Each player will make for him
self a Santa Claus. two reindeer and
sled. Mark out on stiff paper board
such as the one shown in the dia-
gram.
To play the game, place each play
ers Santa Claus in the house of Santa
Claus: place the deer in the deer pen,
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14

ana place the sleds in the stable. One
OF the players will then snap the ar
now OF fate with his finger, and set it
spinning around. If the arrow stops
at the space marked number one, his
santa Claus wakes up and is ready
ior business. If the arrow does not stop
at the space number one, Santa Claus
sleeps on serenely, and the player
must wait until his next turn before
lie can make another attempt to rouse
the drowsy Saint
AS soon as a player succeeds. after
giving the arrow good fair spin, in
making it stop at space number one,
ms Santa Claus is awake, and on the
payers next turn he will advance his
santa Claus toward the deer pen as
many spaces as the figure indicated by
the arrow. After Santa Claus is once
awake, the figure four always entities
the player to a second spin.
AS soon as a player collects ten
points after his Santa Claus has reach
the deer pen. the deer are consider
cred caught, and he may proceed with
them to the stable on the next play,
Five points must be collected in the
stable to harness the deer to the sled
Then Santa Claus is at last ready to
start for the town.
1t will be seen that there is a straight
road to the town of twelve miles.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14

five counts are needed to get out of
a pitfall. Extra numbers count for
nothing; that it, if a player enters
the deer pen with some counts to spare,
or if in collecting numbers for any
reason, he needs but one or two points
and gets three or four, the extra points
go for nothing.
When a player extricates himself
from snow-bank or pitfall, he re-
turns his Santa Claus and reindeer
to the square where they were when
they left the road.
Fifteen points are needed to dis
tribute the toys in the town: then
Santa Claus may start on his home
trip. During this journey he is SUBJ
jected to the same dangers he en-
countered in going to the town.
1t takes five counts to unharness
the deer at the stable. just as it took
to harness them: but as 1t is much
easier to loose a deer than it is to
catch one, only three counts are need
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14

the wire is bent. OF course the wire
is not bent into the shape shown in
figure until after it has been pushed
through the arrow and the tin. After
the arrow and cover have been fasten-
ed together. place the cover back on
the tin box.
Figure shows a disk of cardboard
with a hole in the center. This disk
is divided into 1000 parts.
Fit the tin box into the hole in the
cardboard disk. The arrow is ready
to spin now, and the space of which
it points on the disk after its spin
determines the fortunes of Santa
Claus.
Draw an outline of Santa Claus and
his reindeer on stiff cardboard, or cut
out some picture of them and back
1t with cardboard.
Push the point of a knife into a
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14

storm could not drown. And when the
door opened again
Well, it would be simply stupid
guessing with no possible way of tell
ing, to try TO guess who was the most
astonished-the folk in the shanty or
the folk who were trooping in.
For there were all the Trevors from
Pa and Ma down to the newest grand
son. There We're the cousins and the
auEts and the nieces and their cousins
and aunts and nieccs. And there, with
her eyes shining from under the most
tempting hood over worn by human
woman, with her hair powdered with
snow that shone like diamonds, was
Margaret.
And that THEY were there, instead
OF lying drowned at the bottom OF the
sea that was laundering on the bar
was due again to Jack Trevor's wise
resolve to fight down his blue devils
themselves without any trouble.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14

After leaving the stable Santa Claus
can advance only on even numbers.
Number one. on the white space of
the disk. of the arrow of fate. means
a snow bank. and Santa Claus must
stop in the white space at the side of
the square which he happens to oc-
cupy when the arrow points to the
unfortunate number.
Number three on the black space
of the disk of the arrow of fate means
that Santa Claus has strayed from
the road, and broken through the
crust of the snow into a pitfall. Then
Santa Claus must stop in the black
space at the side of the square oc-
cupied by him.
The even numbers two and four ad-
vance Santa Claus straight on his road
toward the town. Three counts are
needed to get out of a snow-bank, and
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-12-14
The Chatham Bank

LEOPOLD ADLER, President.
FRED. w. CLARKE, Cashier.
soIicits the accounts of 1ndividu-
ais, firms, banks, associations and
corporations.
spending banks, ms our unsurpassed
facilities for collecting insure
prompt returns.
BUYS AND SELLS FOREIGN Ex-
CHANGE, WRITES LETTERS OF
CREDIT AND ISSUES HANK MONEY
ORDERS PAYABLE IN ALL PARTS
OF EUROPE.
Interest compounded quarterly ON
deposits i'm the SAVINGS DEPART-
EIENT.
Safety Deposit Boxes and Vaults
for rent.