The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-01-04
a TROUBLED HEART.
Charles Warren Stoddard Describes
His First Confession.

His First Confession.
Mr.. Charles Warren Stoddard, the
brilliant writer, relates in his book. "A
Troubled Heart" how he made his first
confession after he became a Catholic.
He says:
Did any one ever approach the mys-
FERROUS portal of the confessional for
the first time without feeling of awe ?
My turn came at last 1t was on a
night when many penitents were gath
cred in the dimly-lighted chapel. For
time l held aloof, not knowing ex-
actly what TO do nor how to do it. Of
course, the formula and the instruo-
lions We're in my prayer book had
long since purchased a prayer-book-
but ] felt awkward and half afraid;
and so / knelt apart from the others,
and patiently awaited my turn.
People came and went. Probably
the majority of them knew what priest
was in each confessional; but ] knew
not, nor did it matter at all to me.
What worried me now was how to get
safely in there, how to get through my
confession with as little confusion as
possible, and then how to get safely
out again. / saw that l must kneel in
the train of those who were to be con-
fessed, one after the other, and follow
them as they drew nearer and nearer
TO the curtain that hung before the
little closets of the confessional: and
so, finally, there would be nothing for
me to do but to enter as the last one
made his exit. 1 did this, with my
heart climbing up into my very throat
as l got closer and closer to the closeted
priest. ! was intent upon my prayers,
and upon the formula with which l
had striven to make myself familiar,
and was almost unconsciously getting
on and on toward the hidden one All
at once some one who was next before
me arose and disappeared; ] looked af-
ter him; he had secreted himself be-
hind the swaying curtains. There was
pause, very long pause it seemed
TO me, and then I heard a rustling and
a clatter as of a sliding shutter A
penitent emerged from the farther side
of the confessional, and his place was
Immediately filled 6y another.
BY this time i heard unintelligible
whisperings near me, or a deep sigh
now and again, and soothing sibilants
that flowed continually, until the yisi- |
BILE shutter was slid back again. AL
most Immediately, my side of the con-
tessional was vacated. I arose and !
entered, kneeling fearfully in that |
small chamber-no doubt one of the |
smallest chambers in the world. A !
heavy green curtain shut in the dark |
ness; 1 saw only that there was a cru
cifiX upon one hand. and little square |
lattice, with gauze screen behind it, !
directly in front of me, and that this |
lattice was closed by a solid inner shut
ter, l heard family the whisper of the |
confessor who was beyond the screen,
and | waited now full Of contentment
and quite at ease.
The exquisite sense of secrecy and
security-as if l were literally out of
the world, and far beyond its reach
thrilled me with q strange joy. 1t
seemed to me that there l could wait
for hours without impatience: but l
heard the rustic and the clatter again.
and in the next moment the inner
shutter was slid away and | saw the
profile of a priest (whOm / had fre-
quently seem, dinly outlined against
the faint gray light that shone beyond
him. It was a sudden, though not un-
expected climax, and l was thrown off
my guard. 1 began in great embarrass-
ment the confession which l had made
to myself over and over again. and in
less than half moment found myself
hopelessly involved. There was but one
thing to be done, and did it with all
my heart: I threw myself upon the
mercy Of my confessor. said: Faith
er, this is my first confession: please
help me TO make a good one"
From that moment / felt as if I held
Gods ambassador by the hand-and
how l clung TO him! felt as if l had
thrown his protecting arm about me:
as if he would henceforth aid me and !
sustain me, and stand between me and
the temptations of the world. | then ,
had but one wish; it was that / might |
search my heart, and find if in some
dark corner of it there was not still
! 40 Io Of 1
might then root it out and bring it to
him in absolute contrition. I wanted =
him not to dismiss me yet. but to re- !
prove me again as gently and a grave !
ly as at first, and to offer me once !
more the consolation he had already so :
freely given. Then came the absolu- :
ton, like a fountain of healing and re- :
freshment: and I was hidden to go in
peace. !
oh. what joy entered into my soul
when / passed from that confessional
and prostrated myself before the altar
" the Mother Of Cod Rapt in the
profound spirit of love and trust and .
gratitude I felt the inexpressible hap '
oiness Of the child who knows that he ;.
S freely and wholly forgiven. =
Long after I was in Rome. There was :
, fete at the American college. and a :
priest from my old home. with whom :
had passed many hours among the :
ihrines of the Holy City-one whose q
singular privilege it was to decline a :.
oishopric-was entertaining some Of the :
lctabe foreign prelates who were :
present with "reminiscences of our far +
country. Again and again he had ap- =
1ealed to me 10 bear him witness when =
he monseigneus expressed amazement y
It the prolific spawn of American fidel- =
tv I
He knows said my reverend -
riend. "for he is a convert and has -
'een familiar with unbelievers'' =
"Yes, father" ] cried. "and il was TO p
'ou that 7 made my first confession," =
he had not known il till that hour a.
Mother Drexel's Gift. = :