davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
why hts Clock Wa. Slow.

There is an Italian fruit dealer, with
81 we'll stocked store lnar one of the
suburban railway stations. who has
adopted q unique device, and one
which shows a deep knowledge Of hu-
man nature. to hold his own in COM
petition with another dealer, whose
stand is some fifty yards nearer the
station than his own. A commuter
was lcisurely pecling banana in his
store the other day when the Italian
renlaried:
You gotta fiv' minute before your
train"
mo; twenty" replied the commuter,
slancing at a big clock on the wall.
"'fhat:l clock fifteen minute Slow"
said the Italian. II keepa it slow.
Pcepr used come in a-here, looka at
clock, getta excite, go way, not buy.
Time to buy ut Pedros stand, notta
here. Now keepa clock slow, get
mucha trade. No. not letta peepl
miss train. tella them after they
buy de banan'." New York CONNER
cial Advertiser.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
No Reciprocity.

"Brownly thinks he has the smartcst
child in the world"
Yes" answered the morose man.
'"rhat illustrates the ingratitude of life.
There isn't one chance in thousand
that that child when he grows up will
go around declaring that he has the
smartest father in the world. Wash
ington Star.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
child Baptism In EARLY Dny.

The following from the carly court
records Of York county, Me-, we give
verbatim ct llteratim: AT u general
court held at Saco Sept II, 1G40, it Is
ordered by the court that the Worship
full Thomas Georges and Edward God
frey, councillors for this province Shall
order all the Inhabitants from Pisca
taquis to Kenebache, which shall have
any children unbaptized as soon as
any minister is settled in any of their
plantations, they bring their said chill
drcn to baptism. and if any Shall refuse
to submit to the said order that the
party so refusing shall be summoned
to answer their contempt ut the next
general court to be holden in this PROV
ince. ."-Iewiston journal.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
Jungle Talk.

"Hello! Where are you goingY cried
the lion as the fleet footed stag dashed
by him.
"Oh, I'm just travelling for my health" !"
painted the stag. "Why do you ask?"
"My friend the tiger invited me to
participate in a stag dinner party to-
day, and was wondering if you We're
the party."-Philadelpha Press.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
No Rebate.

When Adelina Patti visited Madrid
one time in company with her husband,
Signor Nicoini, who thought himself a
tenor singer, there was an effort to en-
gage the noted artist for an especial
occasion. The opera director asked:
"IIow much will You charge us il you
and your honorcd LIsband appear on
this occasion for one night"
Ten thousand francs, sir"
"And how much if you come without
the signor, madame?'
Ten thousand fraucs."
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
The Tired Farmer.

"Ycs, sir you simply start our auto
mobile plow and leave it to itself while
you sit on the fence here in the shade
and enjoy your weekly paper and jug
of hard cider. The plow will go right
ahead and break up your field better
than you could possibly do it. and when
1t has finished all you have to do is to
press the button here and stop it."
"Waal, cay, couldn't you fix 1t SOS 1t
would kind o. steer up here close to the
fence. SOS could press the button
without glttin' down?" Cleveland
Plain Dealer,
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
sedan chuiru In Ernnce,

The sedan chair still exists in Or
leans. y bus;lng town not far from
Paris. In this pretty city. says Paris
newspaper, especially on Sundays at
chair. as ii WAS known to the gallants
of the eighteenth century, is borne
through the streets by robust carriers,
its occupants being aged people and in
valids, To whom the jolting OF II car
riage is intensely disagrccable.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
Now They Ncycr spen;s.

A coolness growing out of the fol-
lowing conversation has sprung up be
tween Jones and Smith.
Il had splendid time last night"
said Jones. II spent the evening at a
little social gathering at the Goodman
mansion"
Are the Goodmans nice pcople?"
squeried Smith.
well, should say so. They are
very nristocratic, To get into their cir
Gle one must have either great deal
of money or Il great deal of genius"
You don't tell me SO? And you say
you were thcrc?"-
Yes
You were invited, were you:'
'Of course"
''And to be invited Il man has to have
plenty of money or great deal of gem
iusy"
Precisely"
'Well, Jones, am very glad to hear
you have become rich oil of n sudden.
Lend me five pounds London An
swcrs.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
Her Prayer.

Tile Buffalo News tells a story of 81
four yeal-old girl who was spending Il
night away from home. At bedtime
size lsnclt mt her hostess knees to say
her prayers, expecting the usual prompt
ing. Finding Mrs. B. unable to help
her out, she concluded thus: please,
Cod 'scuse me; can't remember my
prayers, and I'm staying with lady
that don't know any
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
pushins the pcrumbuIutor.

Mrs. IIaskins-l saw your husband
today in a bicycle suit. didn't think
you'd let him ride.
Mrs. s,rongmlnl-Ny dear. that was
not a bicycle suit. although ii might
properly be called II wheeling suit"
You see. went him to be appropriate
ly garbed when he takes baby for an
airing. Philadelphia Press.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
Teaching Dor.

10 teach dog to "speak" hold some
dainty before him when he is hungry.
At first he will not know what is want
ed, but say Speak" to him, and when
he barks, which he is pretty sure to do
when he finds the morsel still beyond
his reach. feed it to him at once. He
will soon associate the work speak"
with the bark and the dainty.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
Thu nder.

Winter thunder is considered through
out Europe to he of very i'll omen, but
April thunder is considered to be very
beneficial. In Devonslire and other
cider counties of England there is Il
saying that "when it thundcrs in April
you must clean up the barrels
readiness, that is, for plentiful crop
of apples.
The French consider April thunder
to be Indicative of good yield from
their vineyards and corntields.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
Catherine de, Medici.

Catherine de- Mcdici of France was
n tall dignified woman of striking per-
sonal appearance. Her manner was Of
TIN cold and rcpulsiyc, her language
lis1ghty. She was neva: popular or
we'll liked. Her features We're regular,
and the chief merit of her countenance
was full black eye that seemed to
fascinate those on whom she looked.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
His Size.

He-Often when | look up at the
stars in the iirmament cannot help
thinking how small, how Insignificant
l am after all
Shc-Gracious! Doesn't that thought
ever strike you except when you look
at the stars in the firn,ament?-Ex-
change.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02

Why He Never Attains Her Ideal.
A man who is earning the living for a
family doesn't have time to live up to
his wife's ideals. and by the time he
has made his money he is too old and
wants to be comfortable. = Atchison
(Kanl Globe.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
A Wonderful Fan.

Nine. Pompadour had Il wonderful
fan. The lace cost about $4,000, and
took some years to make the five sec
tions. each one containing Il medallion
so minute as to be almost invisible Il,
the naked eye. Ii is now in existence.
broken and apart. but still showing
traces of its great beauty.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
The Cause .f II.

May l ask. sir. low it is that yo,
and your brother are so bald:" inqulr
ed the inuuiSitive barber.
We'll" replied the customer I'll
tell you if you'll promise not TO 81,
anything more about it,
"Oh, certainly. SIR
well, it's because our hair has fnll"i
ont"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
A Lesson In w-a.A,nr.

Pliny the Great could see things in
front of his nose as we'll as afar Off
81 notice that the women rub the wash
ing in cold water" he wrote one day.
Let them heat the water, and the al
kali in the soap will be freed and talk.
far better effect" And only after tha:
did women know how to wash.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
A Neglected Apple

Mrs. Benham-You used to say that
was the apple Of your eye.
Benham-Well, what of It?
Mrs. Benham-Nothing, except that
you don't seem to care as much for
fruit rs you once did.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
The Equality Line.

"All people," remarked the earnest
citizen, "are born equal"
Perhaps" answered the deliberate
friend. "but they don't stay equal any
longer than it takes for their parents
to provide them with clothes and play
things.'-Exchange
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
where She offered From Paul.

) Scotch Clergyman called upon Il
parisl..oncr not loi;. since. an oll Monl
an Who was moi blessed with lnaii.
virtues, but who possessed very NJ;
ricd assortment uf vices. He tool: The
latter ms a text for a sermon and "po!se
to hei ut considerable length upon the
subject concluding with some cNracts
from one Of st l'aul's eipislles which
hn felt to bc aplopos.
She didn't speak for several minutes;
after lie had finished. and he thought
that lie had made an impression apon
her a last. He WAS mistaken, how
ever for She suddenly turned round
With the remark: "IIumph. That's
just where Paul and ! have differed
these ten years"
The ars,mcnt was not continued.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
Chance For Vengeance.

Simson (angrily)-I have sent the cd
itor of The Hightonc Magazine forty
two of my poems, and he has returned
every one of them.
Friend-Don't send him any more.
He might get mad.
Suppose he should. What could he
do?"
"He might publish one of them un-
der your real name. New York Week
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
Abandoned Ci.tern..

An abandoned cistern is often dan
gerous thing and should be filled, as
stagnant water which may remain in
1t is n common source of disease. If
this cannot be done at once. it is good
plan to throw in proper disinfectants
and gradually fill 1t up with siftcd
coal ashes.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
After .hr Isnll.

Shc-IIow nice to DC mt home again!
What a crowd there was! / don't sup
pose Mr.. Hankier knew one-half of his
guests.
He-Didn't he, though! Why, he had
four detectives in evening clothes there.
i life
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
He Loved Lawyers.

1t is said that Peter the Great, after
witnessing contest between two emf
nent counsel at Westminster, London,
remarked: when left st. Petersburg,
there were two lawyers there. When
] get back, will hang one Of them"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
A Woman BaInncine.

When woman stoops over to pick
up something on the floor. why does
she always balance herself on one foot,
extending the other outward and back
ward as counterpoise? This qucs-
ton, not new, never has been satisfac-
torily answered.-New York Press.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
Hi. UnIucky Day.

Harduppc-Wigwag is rather super
stitious, isn't he?
Borrowell- he refused to ac-
commodate me with loan this morn
ing because 1t was Friday. y.-Philadel
phia Record
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02

To make good tea and coffee the wa
Remember continued boiling causes the
water to part with its gases and be-
come fat. This is the cause of much
bad ten and coffee.-I.adies' Home Jour.
nal
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02

Wife-How do you like my new hat?
Husband-The idea of paying big
prices for
Wife-Big prices. Why. made it
myself.
: Husband-Um-ye -er-as was say
ing. the idea of paying big prices for
such monstrosities as the milliners are
showing! Now. your hat is work Of
art Looks as il it came from Paris.
Beautiful, my dear!-New York Week
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
The ReaI Ditternc...

Mamma-But, darling, why should
you object to taking the good doctor's
advice!
Bobby-It isn't his advice, mamma.
It's his horrid old medicine that hate
to take.-Chicago News.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
willing worker.

Lady-Why don't you quit begging
and become one of the working people?
Tramp-Wcll. mum, ef amt workin'
people, den dunno who is.--Chicago
News.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02

In the year B. G. 1913 eight hundred
thousand persons perishcd by pesti-
lence arising from the putrefaction Of
great swarms Of dead locusts.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02

Extravaganza is not always alto
gether bad. 1t leads people who are
making money to thrust it into circu-
lation instantly and thus give the
needy grab at it.-Galveston News.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
A Fact.

Mr.. Jones-Aiadam, let me tell you
that facts are stubborn things.
"What fact you must l,e," replied
his wife.-Exchange.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
TauRht By Experience.

I'VE shall need," said the officer who
was arranging for the government ex.
pedltlon, food supplies for six men
and boy"
Supplies for eight men," said the
secretary, Jotting it down. What
else ey'-Chicago Tribune.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-01-02
OF More Immediate value.

OK moro lmmeOl0te tol0e.
Miss Emerson (of Boston)-I presume
yours is not one of the Mayflower fam
flies.
Miss Triplex (of AIlnneapolis)-No,
indeed. Ours is one of the famous
Minnesota -four families. = Chicago
News,
The Tucson citizen., 1902-08-16
THE REAL AND THE IDERL.

The Los Angeles Express, with, no
doubt, the very best intentions makes
this observation:
so much has been said about the
Declaration Of independence as the
great charter of liberty that there is
danger of forgetting that it also emu
merates among inalienable rights the
right to life and the right to the pur-
suit of happiness"
And therein the Declaration-or
rather the preamble-is as far off from
solid facts as it is in the ''consent-of-
the-governed" theory. There is no in
alienable right when you come right
down to it-no right or privilege
which it's possessor may not ALLEVIATE
or surrender. The person who COM
mits murder surrenders, by that act
all the right he has to ''life, liberty and
the pursuit of happiness" Govern
ments have always claimed and often
exercised the right to take as many
men as were needed for their defense,
from their homes and families and avo-
cations and put them into line of bat
tie. That right was exercised by
both sides during our civil war. Had
the men thus pressed into the army an
'inalienable right to life, liberty and
the pursuit of happness?" Hardly.
When Jefferson wrote that sweet
poem, and for many years thereafter
imprisonment for debt was lawful in
every part of this country. In other
words, the man who failed to pay a
debt alienated, by such failure, his Gin
alienable right to life, liberty and the
pursuit of happiness" There are now
in the United States a great many men
and women who are in prisons of va
rious kinds. All these have alienated
their "inalienable right to liberty" ETC.
Many of these persons have not been
tried or convicted, but are held for
trial, the law meanwhile presuming
them to be innocent. But where are
those two 'inalienable rights" the
right to liberty and the right to pursue
happiness?
Government would be impossible and
anarchy would be supreme if those So
called ''inalienable rights"-the trio
enumerated in the great Declaration
were really inalienable.
The Tucson citizen., 1902-08-16
WOMHN'S RIGHT TO PROPOSE.

The Rev. T. A. Hyde, of Sheepshead
Bay. New York, has taken position
in the front rank of progressive man
kind by stating recently in a lecture
to the New York chronological society
that woman has, and of right ought to
have the right to propose. The mo-
nopoly man enjoyed in the past in
respect to this performance was a con-
sequence of his claim of superiority. It
was an outgrowth of the period during
which woman was mans slave and toy
when the savage got his wife by way
laying her, knocking her down with a
club and dragging her to his lair For
the weaker sex under those conditions
to make the first move toward matri-
mony would have been a futile, not to
say dangerous, proceeding. But with
the progress of civilization woman has
modified the primeval style of courting.
and now that woman is recognized as
mans equal or superior there is no
reason whatever in the nature Of
things why the matrimonial proposal
should not come from the woman as
well as the man-from the one. in fact,
that happens to fall in love first. AL
ready, it is said, women who enjoy an
exceptional and superior position as
respects rank or wealth take the lead
in proposing. A queen, for example,
may propose to man of lower rank,
and a very rich woman exercises with
out protest the right to tell her love.
What queen or an heiress may do,
any other woman in this democratic
country may do.
According to the Rev Mr. Hyde, the
mans proposing is now mere for
mality; the decisive step is very often
really taken by the other party. Tt
is the girl" he says, who encourages
the men and makes love to them who
gets the proposals. The modest stay-
The Tucson citizen., 1902-08-16
PEHCE AND WAR.

The so-called AngIo-Saxon is NOT
making very enviable record in the
matter of promotion of peace. The
initial step in that direction was taken
by that intelligent Slav, the czar of
Russia, and now an effort to push the
movement comes from a much-resnect-
ed Latin, the young king of Italy.
Representatives of the United States
and Great Britain did some talking at
me Hague conference, but both ma
tlons have given the lie to it by un-
necessary and unjustifiable wars since
taen, and by their adoption of the
policy of conquest.
1t is true that. the nations of CONT
mental Europe have greater cause for
movement in this direction than either
the United States or Great Britain
both of which are practically safe
Irom land invasion, and. therefore, do
not need to maintain large standing
armies. But in continental Europe
whenever one nation increases its
army its neighbors feel obliged to dc
so Tor self-protection, and the result is
thae every nation now or the utmost
stein to maintain It's army and navy
on a peace basis"
The tax of their constant prepara-
ton for war is something enormous
not only in the cost of maintaining
the armies, but also in the force taken
away from the productive industries of
the countries. Very ingenious arg1.-
The Tucson citizen., 1902-08-16
GOVERNMENT BY INJUNCTION.

The formulated effort to cause the
Impeachment of United States District
Judge Jackson, of the northern dis
trict of West Virginia, when Congress
! convenes, has at length brought the
distinction or the odium to that Judge
! that his acts long since earned. His
latest fulminations from the bench
have been the most remarkable ever
uttered by a judge speaking the En-
glish language. He has attacked the
! right of assemblage and of agitation on
the part Of laborers. This remarkable
judge has advanced government by III
junction away beyond the danger
point. He says in substance that
those who endeayor to organize men
of given company into a union are
guilty of contempt. although no act of
the legislature of West Virginia or of
the Congress of the United States for
bids such action, He goes out of his
way to denounce, not as an Individual.
but as federal judge. "a professional
set of agitators, orga nizers and walk
ing delegates. who roam around seek
ing to create dissatisfaction"
In substance this remarkable Judge
decides that the creating of union
and the creating of dissatisfaction are
crimes that he is authorized to recog-
nlze and to regulate. He is a whole
legislature to himself These are not
crimes under any known law, but the
remarkable Judge Jackson proposes to
make them crimes, and to punish by
contempt proceedings all who contro-
vert his position.
Ii Judge Jackson is sustained by the
United States supreme court, then free
speech is fiction in this entire coun-
try, and Russian methods are dis
tanced. The writ of injunction has
been enlarged, step by step, until at
last a federal judge has been found
who considers almost anything he dis
likes crime to be punished by i'm
prisOnment.
And yet the outcry against the West
Virginia federal Judge is illogical, for
jackson is but following in the foot
steps of the originators of government
by injunction. Thoughtful men of
both parties in Congress, led by Sem
ators Vest and Hoar, attempted to limit
the power of injunction In criminal
cases, but the plutocratic influences
that control the Senate quickly put an
end to this effort 1t now rests with
the United States supreme court to say
whether American principles of the
past or the modern injunction of the
jackson sort Is supreme.
The Tucson citizen., 1902-08-16
EDITORIAL DEPARTMENT

ments have been made in support of
the system, such as that it improved
the citizen to have several years CT
kcon.rulsory service as a soldier, bat
Isuch arguments have never satisfied the
common-sens of mankind. Thou
sands of men have emigrated to es cape
it and now some rulers are recog-
nizing that the burden is both un-
necessary and intolerable.
From selfish standpoint it may be
to the advantage of great Britain and
the United States to keep these other
nations exhausted by the drain of sup
porting standing armies, but it cer-
tainly is not so from. any standpoint of
morality. 1t would be far more in
accord with the teachings of the great
est, best and purest minds of both ma
tons if we gave our attention seriously
and honestly to the prevention of war
and the abolition or radical reduction
of armed forces.