davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
JOSEPH KIDDY,i
BACHELOR ;
By PHIL M. CONGER

l had gone over to Paris from Lon
don for few weeks. At home, in
London | was as stald, conservative
and retiring as any old bachelor of
forty-five you could find. l knew very
few people, belonged to only one club,
and seldom went to the theater or had
company at my rooms. When was
In Paris, | usually gave myself
little more license. On this occasion
/ had so far departed from my home
programme as 10 pick up an aequaint-
ance before | had been In the French
capital a week. In a cafe where had
dined several times l encountered
middle aged gentleman of my own ma
tionality and soon became quite friend
ly with him. Had he been of any
other nationality l should have been
less ready to make his acquaintance.
He had come over from Liverpool, he
said, on business for well known
firm. and his cards showed that he was
n solicitor.
We attended the theater twice In
company, and then Mr.. Graham, as
he called himself, asked me to ac-
company him to the rooms of friend
to little dinner. | was astonlsbed
at myself promising, as little dinners
with people who would probably drink
bottle or two apiece and bring out
cards afterward were quite out of my
line. | was ready Mt the hour APP
pointed, and when we reached his
friends house found him young
Ha9 ,nd Il capital entertainer. | am
man who laughs perhaps but once
a year, and then only with conserva-
tism, but this fellow soon broke down
my natural reserve and got me to
laughing very heartily. He was full
of pleasant and witty anecdotes, and
the dinner was all that could be asked
When the table had been cleared and
the cards brought out, | did not utter
protest TO my CONSERVATION, | had
thawed out and become both eompan-
ionable and genial As | roared with
laughter | wondered what my land
lady would say " she could hear, and
as | slapped my leg and roared again
| realized that | was guilty of II mis-
demeanor that would expel me from
my London club instantly. There were
forty members of that club, and | had
been with II ten years and had never
heard laugh. In our club we played
for tuppence game and never went
beyond, but when the three OF us sat
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

Not only the horses, but the powers
of the law, says the, London Chronicle,
are swift at Ascot, for the course has
n special tribunal for the, punishment
of evildocrs. No sooner is the pick
pocket. welsher or ticket 'snatchert ar.
rested than he is standing In little
room In the royal stand where the
evidence Is heard and the verdict and
sentence pronounced before the offend,
CT fully realizes that he is caught, mo.
where else does punishment SO swiftly
follow crime as at this court, which is
deereed by clause 81 of the indictable
oifenses act of 1913.
This race course tribunal arose Gu
rlously in the eighteenth century from
an assault upon u royal parsonage. In
his Indignation ut the impossibilltyf of
instant punishment of the assailant he
ordered that In future II magistrate
should always attend the royal Trace
meeting. This has ever since ibecn
done. and by the above mentioned act
the chief magistrate of Bow street was
constituted ex otlicio II justice of the
peace of the county of Bcrks In order
to enable him to hold this court Mt
Ascot
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
THE HUMAN STOMACH.
How Ii Is overworiScd by Three big
Daily Meals.

How IL Is OverNVoriScd by Three Big
Daily Meals.
1t requires about five hours for the
stomach TO work on an ordinary meal
and pass it out of Itself, when II falls
into state of repose; hence If a man
eats three times n day his stomach
must work fifteen hours out of twenty,
four After a nights sleep we wake
up with certain amount of bodily ylgs
Or which is faithfully portioned out to
every muscle of the system and every
set of muscles, each It's rightful share,
the stomach among others.
When the external body gets weary
after n long days work, the stomach
bears its share Of the fatigue, but{if
when the body is weary with the days
toll we put 1t to bed, giving the. stom-
ach meanwhile five hours task which
must be performed. we impose upon
the very. best friend we have the tppe
that gives us one of the largest
amounts of earthly enjoyment-and, If
this overtaxing is continued 1t must as
certainly wear out prematurelys as the
body itself will If II is overworked ev-
cry day.
And II persons eat between meals
then the stomach has no rest from
breakfast in the morning until 1, 2,H.3
or o'clock next day; hence 1t is that
SO many persons have dyspepsia. "a The
stomach is worked SO much and SO con-
stantly that 1t becomes too weak to
work at all.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

Curiously, the word coal was In use
long before as well as long after the
commencement of the coal trade, with
meaning quite different from that
which 1t now has. The term originally
belonged TO wood fuel and was applied
In particular to wood which had been
charred. or what Is now called char
coal
When the trade In mineral coal be-
gan, this was usually distinguished by
tho singular name of sea coal. 1t
would seem that from having been
gathered In early times on the sea-
shore, more especially of Northumber-
land, along with seaweed and other
wreckage cast up by the waves, this
peculiar substance was supposed to be
of marine origin From this clreum-
stance and its resemblance to wood
coal In color and burning properties 1t
obtained the name of sea coal, by
which 1t was SO long and so widely
known Then In the course of time,
rs the new fuel gained upon and SUI
perseded the old, the simple name of
coal became universally transferred
tn H.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

Making II Plain.

A writer In the Lancet, says the CHI
cago Rccord-IIernld, generously sets
himself the task of giving out valuable
information rs TO the amount of food
one should eat. He proceeds to make
the matter plain TO the masses by say
Ag;
"If you desire to know how much
you ought to ent per diem, you must
first determine whether you are tenn
peramentally anabollc or katebolic.
Then, taking into account your age.
sex, size, the amount of exercise you
get and the temperature Of the atmos-
phcre, you should calculate the amount
of food necessary to maintain the min
imum weight of the body consistent
with the best health OF which you are
capable"
Hereafter there should be no excuse
whatever for oyercating or undereat-
ing.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
I,erllnna.

81 don't have no opinion of these
newfangled women's notions" said
Mr.. Hyde when his wife timidly ex-
pressed her desire to Join the womnn's
self Improvement society.
but we learn so much there" ven.
tured Mrs. Hyde.
"Don't believe itv' snapped Mr..
Hyde "Wvmon don't KNOW much,
that's fact. but let 'em stick to their
domestic duties and learn them. That's
my opinion Let 'em follow St. pauls
injunction, stay Mt home and ask their
husbands if they want to know any
thing"
but, john
1--WE settled It. and that's enough,
Jane"
'But, John, that's what women have
been doing all this time, and perhaps
that's the reason they don't know
much
And then Mr.. Hyde threw his boot
at the cat and boxed Freddy's ears for
grlnnlng.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

Professor William Archibald Spec
ner of oxford university has become
famous us ludierous word twister.
Once at n special service, seeing some
women standing mt the back of the
church waiting TO be seated, lie rushed
down the aisle and addressed the usl
ers as follows. Gentlemen, gentlemee,
sew these ladies into their sheets" BE
ing asked mt dinner what fruit he
would have. he promptly replied, Pigs,
fieas." This Is the way In which DIR.
Spooner proposed to his wife: Being
one afternoon Mt the home of her fa-
ther, Bishop Harvey Goodwin of Car
Isle, Mrs. Goodwin said, "Mr. Spoo-
ner, will you please so out into the
garden and ask Miss Goodwin II she
Will come In and make tear The pro-
lessor, on finding the young lady, said,
"AIiss Goodwin, your mother told me
to ask you II you would come In and
take me-"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
rh. nlscoyery OF Florida.

Juan Ponce de Leon, sailing from
Porto Rico in search of new land. dis
covered Florida on March 81, 1912 He
landed near st. Augustine, planted the
cross and took possession in the name
of the Spanish monarch. In l1G3
treaty ceding east and west Florida
to Great Britain, In exchange for Iia-
vana and the western part of Cuba,
was ratified. In 1871 part of Florida
was recedcd TO Spain, and in 1888
Florida TO Spain. On Feb. %, 1919,
east and west Florida were coded to
the United States by treaty and pur-
chase, Spain receiving $o,0o0,000.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
AMoY'S GRAVEYARDS.
The City and the Cemeteries Ar,
Hopclessiy InterminHIed.

HOpctessIy InterminHied.
The city of Annoy Is on an island of
the same name. For upward of 1000
years 1t has been an important trading
place. The population of the island
is estimated at over 100000. and 1t has
been said that there are something like
100000 dead bodies packed In Its soil.
For many centuries the hillsides of the
city have been used as burying
ground. Now the city and the ceme-
terry are hopelessly mixed. The graves
touch one another ut every point and
form solid white surface of rock,
brick, porcelain and cement, covering
more than 100000 square feet. Near
one of the josshouses 10000 bodies are
buried vertically to save space. They
stand on plot of ground of as many
feet square.
The wells from which the city draws
its water supply are shallow and are
sunk on the edge of graveyards and
even among tho tombs themselves.
The water is muddy and is colored by
the perpetual turning up of the soil.
1t has no sewers, and the streets vary
from two feet TO six feet In width.
No wheeled vehicle can uso them.
Here and there is an open place or
plaza. dug out so as to be huge re-
ceptacle into which the streets dis
charge their refuse. Filth abounds,
and Its twin sister. disease. flourishes.
The atmosphere is laden with noxious
Smells and the burial of the dead goes
ON Mt an alarming rate.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

down to poker at dollar ante ana S.
limit 1t seemed all right to me. In 9th
er words, years and years Of strict
probity rolled off Ike blanket. and |
felt myself going to ruin. | fully real
lied It, but did not care In my utter
abandon continued to laugh and
make merry.
l had never played twenty games of
poker IN my life. but | went right at 1t
as If | had never patted Il Sunday
school scholar on the head or sent
tracts TO sailors. am II very oconom-
ical man and scrutinize my bills very
carefully. but on this occasion | found
myself saying that did not care IL
lost even II whole pound. The old say
ing of fool for luck held good In this
case. ! knew aftcrward that the din
ner was II put up job to skin me at
cards, but the two sharpers failed In
their purpose. have no doubt they
resorted to all sorts of tricks with the
cards; but, do what they might, the
hands ran In my favor, and I raked In
the pots.
1t was no less parsonage than my
self who by and by suggested that
the limit be removed. The others
promptly assented, and the result was
that after two hours play | had them
dead broke. As their plan to skin me
had failed. they resorted to other tao
tics One Of them must have poured
Knockout drops In glass of wine Of
fered me. for no sooner drank 1t than
| felt my senses leaving me. As near
as | could ever figure 1t, twentyfour
hours elapsed before | woke up and
found myself In a hospital. That was
not the worst of 1t. however. / could
remember nothing. | could not recall
my name nativity, hotel or anything
connected with myself. | had not the
remotest idea where | lived or what
had occurred.
was told that had been picked up
In the street. Graham and his friend
had robbed me, dressed ME In an old
suit of clothes and carried me out upon
the street. They had shaved off my
whiskers. trimmed off my heavy eye
brows and otherwise disguised me,
and one OF them had gone to my hotel
with note signed with my name and
settled my bill and brought away my
things. When the hospital doctors
found that my memory was gone, they
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

An amusing story is told of the
browning of rose queen of country
district near Paris. The selected
queen, MS one of the formalities of
awarding their dover, was asked by
the mayor for the name Of her ilance.
II have none" she replied. Notified
that sweetheart was Indispensable,
the young lady added tlmidly, IL
thought the municipality provided
everything necessary" Straightway n
young swain presented himself as an
asplrant, and, being as promptly nc,
cepted, all things became regular and
I'm order
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
A Soft Answer,

Dibbs Gather shortsighted, overtak-
Ing total stranger and slapplng him
on back from behlnd)-Ilello. old fell
low! How are you? SO glad To see you
again. Who'd have thought of meet -
Stranger Confound you. sir! How
dare you strike me In that blackguard-
ly manner? You ought TO be more
careful that you've got the right per-
son.
Dibbs Really, sir, must apologize,
but took you for the Earl of $780,. The
likeness Is really Won
Stranger greatly nolliiied)-Say no
more, sir, | entrcnt | quite see how
the mistake occurred. Magnificent
weather, isn't III Good morning to
you; good morning.-London Answers.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
How the rre.iaent l. rnid.

In the apportlonment of the salaries
OF all United States government en-
ployees the year is divided into quar-
tiers and each quarter subdlvided ac-
cording to the number of days in each
month, but the president receives prac-
tically the same amount every month.
Thus, If Il president should die mt the
end of February, after receiving his
salary for that month, his successor
would In reality receive less than the
full amount due him in March because
his predecessor had, In effect, been
overpaid the prior month. Inasmuch
as the presidents salary may not be
divided into exactly equal parts, 1t Is
necessary to pay the chief magistrate
81, 1866 on some months and 81, 1861
ON others. On one occasion during
the Cleveland administration mis-
take was made, and there were sent
TO the chief executive three successive
warrants for $I.1666G. When the
error was discovered. the treasury de-
partment FASTENED to dispatch to the
White House Il warrant on the United
States government for cent, made
out In Mr. Clcveiands favor. though
the president never cashed this check.
--Argonaut
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
SYN onymD Gus,

A French gentleman, rescued from II
ducking in the river and taken to an
adjacent tavern, was advised TO drink
tumblcr of very hot brandy and wa
ter and thus addressed the waiter who
was mixing It.
"Slr, / shall thank you not TO make
II fortnight"
"a fortnight" replied Joe. Hadn't
you better take 1t dreetlyY
ooh, yes" said monsieur, directly,
to be sure, but not n fortnlght-not
two week. "-l,oys of the Empire
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
Tool. 1t Calmly,

A Baltimore physician was once
called hurriedly TO see the sick child of
colored parents In the vicinity and per
eeived at the first glance that the In
FAINT had but few hours to live. Ex-
pecting an outburst of anguish, he
broke the truth as gently as possible
TO the child's mother and was met with
the sterling rejolnder, chats all right,
doctor; there's plenty Of room for him
up yonder. but we're dreadful scrouged
down here"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
Encourage the Happiness Habit.


The art Of laughter should surely be
cultivatcd-ln fact, all and everything
that leads TO JOY. The wish TO be
happy, the love OF gladness and beau,
ty, IL, / ann sure, n thing to be desired.
Consequently it is worth a little cult
walton. Play Is as essential n factor
In mems lives as work. Philosophers
tell us that no man lives his own life
until he plays. WORK comes from the
exigcncies of life, from the "musts' Of
this world, which often push man
along very different paths from those
he would choose to travel by. from ln-
clInatlon or capacity. Play Is, how
ever his recreation, and here ut his
leisure time comes out his whole soul,
his power of and choice of play, his
greater or lesser necessity for 1t, to re-
cuperate mind and body from the
strain OF daily work.-Chapcrone
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

The Professor. the Indy and the Cow.
1t is told of IL certain professor whose
Observation-Disclosures about cqualed his
learning that he was one day, crossing
the college campus, absorbed to such
q degree In II book of his that had just
been published that he was lost TO
everything else Suddenly he bumped
up against an object, and looking up
he saw that he had colided with n
COW that had rudely straycd In his
way. Get out OF the way, YOU cow"
he exclaimed irritably, pretiXins an i'm.
polite adjective to Cow"
The next day us the professor WIS
again crossing the campus, immersed
In his reading, he again ran into an
object. "Oh, that COMPOUNDED COW"
he exclaimed. Then, hearing an In
dignant "Sir!" he looked up hastily to
discover that seis time he had come
up against the wife of fellow pro
fessor. 1t hardly made matters better
to assure her that he had taken her
for COW. and ii required the good
offices of the entire faculty TO restore
an era of good feeling.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
Her vocation.

Professor" said Miss Skyllght, 81
want you to suggest course In life
for me. have thought Of journal
ISM
"What are your natural incllna-
tlonsi"
ooh. my soul ycarns and throbs and
pulsates with an ambition to give the
world life work that shall be marvel
Gus In Its scope and weirdly enhancing
In the vastness Of It's structural beau
ty"
woman, you're born to be a mil
liner"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
Wet Clothing and lightning.

If the clothing Is wet, lightning may
pass over It as n good conductor with
out harmlng the body. On the other
hand, persons may be killed without
harm being done to the clothing. In
rare instances bodies have been
stripped naked by lightning. The COW
crlngs of the feet are liable to be Sc
rlously injured, because 1t is here that
the lightning meets the greatest re-
sistancc in leaving the body.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
Second Thought.

Dear Mr. Hicks" she wrote. II am
very sorry that what you ask | cannot
grant. | cannot become your wife.
Yours sincerely, Ethel Burrows" Then
she added: "P. Son second thoughts,
dear George | think | Will marry YOU
DO come up tonight and see your own
true Ethel"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
The Why He GInntcI.

Two buses were travelling down Re
gent street In close proximity when
the conductor of the foremost one took
Off his badge and dangled 1t In the air.
to the obvious annoyance of the rival
driver.
"What did you do that for" asked
passenger.
"Why." said the conductor, pointing
a derisiye thumb at the Infatuated
driver, "'ls father was 'ung."-London
Tit Bits
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

j. A Kelly relates an experience
similar to that which has happened in
almost every neighborhood in the
United States and has been told and
re-told by thousands of others. He
says "Last summer ] had an attack
of dysentery and purchased a bottle
of Chamberlain Collie, Cholera and
Diarrhoea Remedy, which used ac-
cording to directions and with entire
ly satisfactory results. The trouble
was controlled much quicker than for
mer attacks when / used other RENE
dies" Mr.. Kelly is a well known cit
izen Of Henderson, N. G. For sale by
s. w. Cochran Il Co.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

Two natural objects seem to have
furnished the model for the spoon to
primitive MANTLE river or sea shell
and the leaf of plants. In southern
China shell spoons are still used that
are closely reproduced In the familiar
porcelain spoon of that country. while
metal spoons are found in India on
which are reproduced even the veins
Of the leaves from which they were
copled.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
She Was Master.

Father Qcft In charge)-No. you can
not have any more cake. Very serl-
ously) DO you know what / shall have
to do II you go ON making that dread
full noise?
Little Girl (sobblng)-Yes.
Father-Well, what Is that?
Little Girl-Glve me some more cake!
And she was quite right.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

They were watching the balloon go
up and he was telling her about the va.
rlous crank aerOnauts. including those
couples who for the sake of notorlety
are married In balloons and sail away.
II don't think I'd like to get married
In balloon" she said softly.
NO he assented thoughtfully;
there's too much risk In 1t plain with
out going out of ones way to find
frills." And after that she seemed to
be less interested In him.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
IsurrnIt,

"Hurrah~ 1t used to be Murray"
and the cry Is as old as England. 1t
is the battlecry Of the old Morse
vikings as they swept down to burn
and murder among the peaceful Brit
fish. '"rur. aier was their warcry,
which means, Thor. aldp an appeal
for help to Thor. the god Of battles.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
ueInInp The Henfhen.

Aunt (seycrely)-How dare you take
the money from your missionary box?
Wlllie-Didnt you say was a regu-
lar little heathen2
"You are far worse"
"Well, | was saving the money for
the heather, and first come first
served"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

Mrs. Brown-So your girl has left
you? What for, for mercy's sake2
Mrs. Black-Absolutely for nothing.
Mrs. Brown-Oh, that's 1t. remem-
Der you told me she wouldn't leave
you for anything. -Boston Transcript.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
Thcx Don,t s,.,ls Now.

Kltty-Fred called me dream last
evening.
Bertha-IIow funny! 1t was only
last week Fred was telling me what
awful dreams he had,-Boston Tran
script.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

Mrs. Newed- think of it, dear.
/ made every bit of this cake with my
own hands.
Newed-Is II posslblef | never sus-
pected there was so much strength In
those fair, soft hands.-Chicago News.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13
o,,en The Method Of Trentmcnt.

An old negro preacher divided his
sermon into two parts-irst, all &c
things in the text, and, second, all de
things not In de text, and, bredrcn,
well wrastlc wild de second part fust"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

There liz Nh RIGHT.

"WhG+ is the right thing to do when
your wife asks you for money and you
haven't got IT."
"Under those circumstances anything
you do viii be wrong."-New York
Herald.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

Mrs. Houser Clearing tremendous
noise in the kitchen)-Great goodness,
bridget, what was that. an earthquake
shock?
Bridget Calmly picking up the pieces
of glass; mum; only little Jar.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-08-13

The Mother-Now, Elsie, did teach
you to throw your clothes on the floor
IN that dlsreputable way?
Elsle-No, mamma; l learned myself.
Puck.