The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-24

Told in Answer to what is the Funniest Story You
Ever Heard? ''


was asked for his best story
Here $ one a friend who has lust re-
( turned from Europe told me-" he said.
With another man he was seated in a
, beer hall III a little bit Of a German
town. and in a conversation about the
political affairs Of the world he as
serted that the German emperor was a
lunatic. Almost Immediately he was
put under arrest by an excited police
man, who had overheard the remark
LILY friend, approaching that he might
be involved in serious trouble, said: L
was referring to the Russian emperor,
not 20 the German emperor. You mis-
understood me. How coult it vas 1
misunderstood you, replied the police
man. ven only one of dose emberors ISIS
iunatic, and dot is der Cherman en-
beror? Come wit me-.
. o .
Manager Sam Friedlander Of
F1scher's is noted among thea tricaI folk
as teller of really original stories. The
other day he introduced this-without
atfldavits-amoBg few of his friends
at his busy little playhouse:
when | was at St. JOsephs hospital
IN Denver. [ occupied a room in the
beautiful ward OF the Elks. I had been
there Tor ten long weeks, during which
time was surrounded by a score of
doctors nurses and the good sisters
who lavished attention upon me. NV
condition was such that for eight weeks
J was not permitted TO excite myself in
the least, and although | had visitors
at my bedside every day and night of
the week, I was only allowed to shake
hands with people who called, and per-
haps say good morning or good night
There was one good Elk who never
failed to call every day for the entire
time that ] was confined in the hos
pitaL and he never entered my room
excepting he brought some rare flowers
Or some delicacy, that I was not for
hidden to eat.
Il knew that he was the chairman of
the visiting committee of the sick, and
IN all my experience I never met a
brother who was SO kind, so attentive
and so cOngeniai. was really happy
when he called. for he, above all the
visitors who came to my room. brought
cheer and made me forget the awful
pains that I suffered and the terrible
ordeal that | was passing through. The
last week of my stay at the hospital l
was conscious enough TO be allowed 10
become acquainted with visitors.
thanked the one constant and attentive
brother Elk. told him that l should
never cease TO cherish his attention to
me. but asked him to tell me his name
which | had never asked He handed
me his card. and it read. Mr. Adolph
Goss, undertaken
Louis Glass. the handsome and al
ways happy manager of San Fran
ciscO's telephone system, and one of
the busiest men in the world is a
story teller who ranks high both at
home and abroad. He says. touching
the matter of his favorite story:
Il will tell you about the first tele
phone kick registered in San Francis
co. There have been 1.716, 4290 27 ,113. 420.-
900 72I, OH 32I. 946 I3l, 219 TO1 439. 211 kicks
since then. and We know pretty well
how to handle ali sorts of kicSers-
But the first one worried us. We had
just seventy-One telephones rented at
the time and two of them were held by
a Montgomery street real estate agent.
who kept one in his house and one in
his Office. They were Old-fashioned ma
chimes, with the receiver and the
mOuthpiece on "A coffin shaped appara-
tus that people held to their faces while
talking. The real estate man one day
had a friend named Wilson at his Of
flee and he called up his wife to say
that he would bring Wilson home to
dinner. He added. Mr.. Wilson is here
with me now. dear, and ne wants to
see if | am really TALKING with you
With that he handed Wilson the ma
chine. anu l4llS - " I'D u W llSOll liGdA u
Don't you dare bring that bald-headed
old idiot out here TO dinner If you do
- Then Wilson went away saying
unpleasant things, and the real estate
agent all afire. came around to see me.
| had TO admit that it was our fault.
In those days the hello girl had to
listen 10 all converse tons in order to
know when to discontinue, and she
made a mistake in this instance be-
CHI hrg of hmm TlfTF
we still have that girl in our employ
and the real estate agent rents a pri-
Vate exchange now
@ g o
Ferris Hartman. the leading come
dian at the Tivoii and one of the fun
NEST story tellers in his profession. is
OF the opinion that no two people in
the world agree as to which of two
stories IS the better He says. speak
ing for himself:
Here is one I like: An Irishman,
who had worked for some years run
ming a threshing machine stationary
motor. lost his job because he drank
too much. He travelled to Butte. Mont,
and saw an advertisement saying that
an engineer was wanted at the railroad
roundhouse. He applied at once and
the superintendent took him over to
where a locomotive was standing on
the tracks facing the round house.
Run her in said the superintend-
ent. I want to see what you can
do Pat climbed into the cab, and
knew just enough to grasp the lever.
He pulled il and the engine started
forward Pat gasped. turned pale and
showed il back. The engine started for
New York City and Pat sent her ahead
again. But before she could go clear
through the roundhouse he reversed
and agaip she hacked For five minutes
ne struggled and sweated and finally,
by sheer accident he got the machine
stopped and jumped down But she
was then forty yards from the round
house. I thought l told you rOared
the superintendent, to take her in.
Yes. We did said Pat. an 1 had her
in swim tonnes. l wuz waitin for ye
to close tn duTe.' "
Samuel NJ Shortridge. known as an
able after-dinner speaker. disclaims
any originality as a stOry-teIler. He
tells stories often, but he is frank to
confess that he picks them up when
and where he can. Urged TO think of
one story known only to himself, he
said;
There was a Judge named Burns
who once held court in Arizona. It was
in the days when the credentials of
people who aspired 10 the bench we're
not closely inquired into. and Burns
appearance was very much in his IA
vor He was a big man, with long
hair severe eyes and whiskers of the
Horace Greeley type. He was called
on once to preside at the trial of
man who had shot a worthless citizen
IF a frontier town. and he evidently
had in mind the rigid line which di-