The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-05
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SPOKEN IN JEST.

Ozark Mountain News: Tug Wilson
tells a good story about an ex-kentucky
colonel of the Quality Folks sort,
whom he once met in western Kansas.
The colonel was an enthusiast on the
irrigation scheme that was sweeping over
Kansas at that time He was so positive
in his theories and so high tempered that
few people cared to disagree with him.
One day. as he was standing in front
of the office. talking with several
friends. Pink Barclay. that lives over
on Snake creek. came along, and, after
shaking hands around turned to the COLO
mel and said: Colonel. I've got FORTY
acres of land living close to Snake creek
that [ want to irrigate. and l would liks
TO ask YOUR advice about II. Very, well,
sab. responded the colonel; my advice
Pink and cut ditch down across the
land but L couldn't get rise enough.
Then would Dam the ditch. sab, re-
did do said Pink, but the hogs rooted
holes I'm the banksS what would you do
about that?' What would / do?' snorted
the colonel; L would damn the hogs,
sab! L would damn the hogs"
New York Tribune: A well known and
respected fireworks manufactures died re-
Gently in the north of England. His Wife
ordered an expensive tombstone to be
erected in his memory. She was much
perturbed, for no epitaph submitted TO
Aer did she consider suitable After a
prolonged and diligent search she dis
covered one she thought 10 be appro-
pirate on the tombstone of a prominent
musician in a Manchester cemetery. Now
works manufacturer IL is stated that
He has gone 10 the one place where his
works are e1celled.
John B. Cough, whose early training as
an actor had given him a good equip
ment for his later work as temperance
orator. and who. because of his effective
manner. seldom met with opposition from
those who listened TO him in public, was
lecturing in a nearby town, and, AFTER
painting the tavern as piece of contain
nation even for the abstainer, asked:
Don't you all agree with me, friends,
that there is no place man should go,
and of which he should tell his mother
and sisters. unless he might take them.
too. there? Should there be any such
placer
';ohi yes" came drawifngly from a
rear seat
The audience was reused from its spell
of admiration for the orator. and turned
to look at the owner of the voice. Cough
smiled as though he thought no discus
sion possible. and blandly asked:
Where. friend. would you go, telling
mother and sisters. but refusing to take
them with youI
There is a practical joker in. Chicago
who deserves to be classed with the
Abroad" The "DOctor's'' conversation
with the guide in relation to the mummy
Is hardly more amusing than this man s
conversation with a guide in relation TO
Niagara Falls. He recently made his
first trip TO the falls. and a guide that
he hired was trying 10 impress him with
their ma gnitude. 90 =
Grand" suggested the guide.
Great acouiesced the Chicagoan,
stoiidIy.
Magnificent" persisted the guide. dis
appointed at the lack of enthusiasm.
Finer than the Bear Trap dam in the
Drainage canal. admitted the Chica-
goan.
The guide looked to see if he was jol1-
ing but there was never a smile. The
Chicagoan seemed to be interested, but
not at all impressed
Millions of gallons a minute, eX-
planned the guide
How many in a day?' asked the Chi
cagoan- t-e
'Oh. billions and billions said 3the
guide.
The Chieagoan looked across and down
and I'D as if gauSing the flow, and then
turned away disinIerestedly.
Runs all night. too. 1 suppose" he re-
marked nonchalantly.
The guide was daZed. and he had not
recovered when the Chicagoan left