Weekly independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 1887-1914, 1902-04-11
HOT STUFF FIR a RErUpLIcAS
FER.

We clip the fol, > from the Kan
sas City Stal. a red.hot Republican
paper, and print it verbatim:
Roosevelt, Theodore: President
United States, Historian and father OF
Teddy the Second. Third ~existens.
Originally Alex ,nder the Great. Born
$50 b. e.; wrote !Alexandrian library.
winch was so full OF ho. stuff that it was
destroyed by fire; sighed because the re-
we're no more worlds to conquer This
was before Colu nbus discovered Ameri.
ca, Second time was known rs Oliver
Cromwell, a gentleman Of England and
moderate means. Born Huntingdon
April %, 1899. Had M independent,
Republican spirit; intimately acquainted
with Charles /. but cut him dead later.
Became Lord High Protectionist OF
England. Known NJ Old Ironsides to
the Puritans aud rs Old Regicides to the
Cavaliers. Ruled England with rod OF
Steel for a number OF years, and retired
with his last breath. Born third time
in present person New York, October
q, 1853, with his wisdom teeth already
cut.
Proceeded from infancy to the State
legislature in record time by way OF
Harvard, Ran for Mayor Of Smaller New
York against Abram Hewitt and Henry
George. Defeated twice in one cam
paign. Went west and invented the
Roosevelt smile, with winch to cover his
disappointment. Cow puncher and
ranchman for several years. Learned
to nde a horse. Took up the study of
civil service reform and reduced it to
reasonable basis. Joined police force
in 1895. Arrested more policemen in
two years than could be foupd ON duty
in a week. Enforced excise laws,
thereby causing stock Of the United
States Cocktail trust to fall off ten
points and cent the Amalga mated
Moonshiners OF America into bnnk-
ruptcy.
Appointed assistant secretary OF navy
and wrote history OF battle OF Manila
three months before it took place.
With Leonard Wood organized the
Rough Riders. Mounted them ON
mares from ShAnk's and assaulted San
Juan Hill, Cuba. Captured same and
vOs msde colons! for Rallantry. Re.
turned to the United States and was
presented with the freedom OF the earth
by hi fellow citizens. Chose governor
ship OF Now York. Was submoted to
vice.presidency Iii 1900 rs measure of
dicipline AMI to make way for B b
Oleu. Succeeded to Presidency 1901.
Discovered Booker Washington, Octo.
Der, 1901, and Benjamin r. TIllman in
1902. Has preferences as &c who he
eats with. Upon occasions prefers dark
to white ment. Never eats crow.
Never takes water, but drinks it copi.
ously.
Is a sportsman, and holds record for
mouciaiD lions and stool pigeons. Is a
crack shot at Office. seeders. Prefers IN
honest liar to n mendacIous truth seeker
Can give a three.hour interview in five
minutes. Was able to entertain Prince
Henry without reading "Don't' or "Eti.
quette for Americans" Knows where
he Is at, and kecis ut it. Author OF
swimming the West NJ Losing the
East," "Tho Withdru INVITATION, OF
Bonnie Tillmap's TIL . Tho Strenu.
Gus Life a series OF essays on such sub.
jects as bucking broncos, Spaniarde, the
training Of Senators, aud the superiority
oil the boxing glove over the mailed fist.
Resides at White House, Washington;
Oyster Bay, and in the hearts OF his
countrymen. Has a distinguished ca.
reer, stretching for and aft.