The Montgomery advertiser., 1902-07-02
THE ELECTIONS OF MAN.

Evidence accumufates that mans noble calmness of mind and his superiority as a reasoning creature are gradually leaving him and leaving him prey to all the petty jealousies and vengeful spites aforetime usually attrib- uted to the members of women's clubs. Petty jealousies? Listen:
 We won't stand this thing! Sputterall is not the whole cheese in this show, and if the people go on thinking he is and paying him all the attention he'll have to get out; that's all. Nearly all our officers are as rich as he is, and many of their families had high social position when old Sputterall No. was scissors grinder. Look at Me! My family had money and social rank before the Rev. olution, and I belong to a dozen of the most exclusive clubs besides. Yet all the pretty girls come into camp and ask where Sputteralrs tent Is and stare at him as if he was a tin idol on wheels. I say that won't stand it"'
 There was a quiver in the speakers voice which, if he had been a woman. would have guided the reporters pencil instinctively to write:
 At this point Lieutenant Van Bipkins' feelings overcame him."
 But, gentle reader, this was no outpour- ing of feminine spite over the inflnitesim9l 9l squabbles and heartburnings of wo- mans club. It was the plaint of beard ed man. an officer of the O0th, camped upon Snob hill. It was the boast of the 00th's officers that there was not man in the regiment worth less than millions except private soldiers-and they do not count
 'No." said Captain Swell, another off, cer and a gentleman, we are not going to have the women come and stand around open mouthed and watch Sput- terall drill his little handful of melodies and say out loud how well he does it when they don't know right shoulder shift from an Irish jig, and they never gave glance at the movements of men who understood military tactics when that little snip was shooting paper wads Not that We are any of us very old now. but some of us learned the manual of arms when we were boys. We were gentle mems sons when the Sputteralls were mere laboring men. There is not man in the regiment whose father or grand father worked for a living except this young upstart of a Sputterall and one other, and he shan't come to the front and overshadow us. My family has had It's coat of arms ever since King Bobus knighted his corn doctor, and there were millions in our family as far back as I don't know when. We have always been gentlemen. Look at Me"
 He was baldheaded, and his nose was one sided and inclined to purple, while the front portion of 1im at the waist ad- vanced beyond the dead line of correct military proportion. Sputterall was slim. erect and pink checked. Perhaps that was one reason the pretty girls gazed after him and never looked Swelrs way.
 Then Lieutenant Batstrap took up the tale:
 Talk about Sputterall disliking the mo- toriety he Is getting!" said the lieuten- ant. "He enjoys every bit of 1t. When an' women visitors come around the camp and ask which Is Lieutenant Sput- terall., he pretends to dart out of sight. but he always darts back again quick and stands where they can all see him. Why. I've just as fine social position as he has to save his neck. Look at Me"
 He looked like the last scion of de- caying old family, and no pretty girl would have bestowed glance on him