davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
A RANK FAILURE.
His Effort mt Getting Dime Was as
Unsuccessful as His
Prediction.

You may have heard of me-" he
said, as he opened the door of a law
yer,s Office after climbing up seven
flights of stairs because of strained re-
lations with the elevator man.
"Um!" replied the lawyer. after "a
brief glance at the caller.
My names Archimedes johnson. i
am good deal like Archimedes of old.
I'd move the globe if had place to-
rest my lever"
If any chills passed up the lawyers
spine after hearing this fateful dec
laration, he restrained himself from
shivering, says the Detroit Free Press.
but as there is no place." continued
The caller, advancing into the room 8
few feet further, II have had to turn
to bother things. l am the man who pre-
dicted the end of the world bout a year
ago. Perhaps you remember it?''
The lawyer refused to commit him
salf until the testimony was all in and
the jury had gone out, and making an
other advance and gaining new conf
dence the stranger Remarked:
II expected this thing would come
sround as had figured it out, but it
eidn't. 1t appeared afterwards that
mad forgotten to carry when adding
up and 4. 1t was my own mistake,
and | have apologized as far as could
a man can't do more than that, can he
| When he says he's sorry from the bot
tom of his heart that ought to settle
! 1t, hadn't it"
The lawyer raised his eyes to the
ceiling and looked at cobweb in a
thoughtful manner, but he wasn't Civ
Ing any legal opinions unless he saw
the-eash laid down.
"But there will be no mistake this.
time, said Mr.. johnson, as he ventured
to take seat on the edge of a chair
sNeNt week finishes up this terrestrial
sphere, and it will go with a crash. Your
aeedn't order no coal for use beyond
HeNt Monday. That bringsme down to.
the object of my call. You would say
this was call, wouldn't you? 1t isl
either call or | am to be considered i'm
the light of a guest; but in either case,
my object will be stated as briefly and
concisely as possible. 1 want ten,
cents" /
The lawyer gave a start of surprise,se
but got hold of the floor with his feet
and soon Gained his excitement.
You might consistently ask me
why | want ten cents, in view of the
near approach of the calamity referred
to, but l answer that it is needed to
put two beers inside of me and get me
in trim for the occasion. don't care
to fall with cataclym on an empty
stomach. That's my errand, SIR,
Would you oblige me?", asked the
lawyer, after waiting two long min
utes.
II will"
"Would you mind going softly out
and closing the door behind you?"
Not at all. Do you want me on the
other side of it?"
IF You please"
Very we'll, sir,' said Mr.. johnson.
as he arose and tiptoed out and pulled
the door to, but with his mouth to the
key-hole he added:
II permit no human hyena on the
face Of the earth to outdo me in po-
likeness, but when the great cataclysm
takes pace look out for Archimedes
johnson. He'll be around, and if the
heaving mountains and the rolling
seas don't break your neck he'll cheer
fully step in with crowbar and do
the job himself"
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Over the Danger Line.

Weary" said Shiney Patches. as
the two were resting as usual, "this
is my birthday, and draw deep
breath of relief, for am out of dam
ger"
what are you talking -about?"
asked Weary.
Il am 35 years old, and for some
time l have known that between the
ages of 20 and 35 men do their great
est work. 1t has kept me worried.
but now 1 feel safe."-N. Y. Herald.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Golf Sandwiches.

One-fourth pound butter, one neuf-
chatel cheese, two dozen baby olives,
one-half bunch water cress, salt and
cayenne pepper. Cream the butter, add
cheese, sat and pepper and stir till well
mixed and smooth. Chop the olives and
water cress til quite fine, add to the
butter and cheese and use generous
layer of the mixture between the slices
of bread.-Good Housekeeping.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Wanted to reform Him,

Mrs. Church-And you say your hus-
band wrote these verses to you before
you married him?
Mrs. Gotham-Yes; and there's lot
more of them. =,
II am surprised that you could have
married a man who wrote such sicken-
ing poetry!"
II believed it was the only way 1
could stop him.'-Yonllers Statesman.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Repudintes II

Tailor--See here, this bill has been
standing since 1898.
Graphically dear sir, don't you
know that anatomists say man
changes entirely every seven years?
Tailor-What has that to do with it ?
Graphter-Well, don't you see I'm
not the same person who contracted
that bill?-Catholic Standard and
Times.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
A Bibulous Opinion.

ut is appalling TO contemplate the
effects that this increase in the price
of corn may lead to- said the panicky
person. ut may lead to something
like famine
"Worse than that returned Col
Stillwell, solemnly; "worse than that.
In my opinion the pangs of thirst are
even more terrible than those Of
starvation" Wa shington Star.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Going to the Right shop

Tess-Della Mode wants me to try
her dressmaker. 1 wonder if she'd suit
me.
Jess-oh, yes, indeed; she's just the
one for you.
Tess-Why?
Jess-Yes, she's wonder. Why, she
can make the plainest kind OF people
look nice.-Tit-BitA
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Preposterous.

He (bitterly)-It's the same old
story-when you are tired of me you
throw me over.
ahe-But you wouldn't have me keep
anyone was tired of, would yon2--De.
troit Free Press,
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Didn't Do 1t That Way.

very few girls" said the mother,
know how to sit down gracefully.
You should be deliberate about it,"
Il am returned the girl.
Nix said her annoying small
brother.
Yes, ] am, too," said the girl.
Not when you We're learning to
skate at the park this morning" in.
sisted the small brother.
Thereupon the discussion ended
Chicago Post.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
A Matter of Tru,t

"The great trouble" said the CAPT
talist. us to find man one can
trust"
"Oh, don't know" replied the man
OF schemes and poverty. "It depends
on the point of view. Now, in my
case the great trouble is to find a
man who will trust me."-Chicago
Post
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
An Example.

''There is no doubt" said the stu
dent of law, that many people have
been imprisoned, although innocent
of any crime
II know that by sad experience
"You don't say so! Let's have the
story
There's no story to it. 1 merely
had the bad luck to be drawn on
several juries that were locked up
over night" -Washington Star.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Psyche and Yche,

A beautiful lady named Psyche
Is loved by fellow named Yche.
One thing about Ych
The lady can't lych
Is his beard. which is dreadfully spyche.
Chicago Tribune
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
A Misanthropic summary.

This life full oft doth make us fret;
IT'S ever fraught with pain.
Ills made of getting into debt
And getting out again.
Washington Star.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Where They Differ.

Though every dog may have his day
There's reason to deplore.
The turkey, what with hash and stew,
Can count up three or four.
Judge
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
A Theory

This world as it goes moving on
With folly oft seems busy;
Perhaps 1t whirls around so fast
That men have all grown dizzy.
Washington Star.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Pessimist ana optimist,

The pessimist is always throwing
cold water on the optimistic fire OF
genius.--Chicago Daily News.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Worth Rememberinx.

Take heed unto this solemn truth"
Thus spake the beggar needy;
IA bloomin' chump was I in youth,
Now I am old and seedy."
Chicago Daily News.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Utterly Reckless.

Sillicus-Bjones seems very despond-
ent. He says he doesn't care what hap.
pens to him.
Cynicus-The first thing you know
he'll be going off and getting married
Philadelphia Record.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24

"This must be one of them sweat
shops I've heard SO much about" Chi
cago Daily News.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24

"Did l understand the chief to say
he had me down for toast at the ban
quet?"
Nope. He said he had you down
on toast" Chicago American.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24

chat man is descended from
monkey"
yes" answered the chimpanzee,
"and his descent has been very great.
But let us sit down to his credit that he
tries to rise again. Every now and
then you hear of some man who is do
ing his best to make a monkey of him
self."-Washington Star.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
"I did think ito take 'em with me-"

l DID THINK to take EN- with me"
Sorry, ma'am, but Jake Bullyman's
snoozin' on top O. the bar'l tibet they're
in, an he amt in the best of humor to-
day."-Philadeiphia Press,
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
A Ouerv-

If the farmer who tills
Makes his living by tlllage,
Does the doctor who pills
Make his living by pillage2
philadelphia Record.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24
Not to BE Disturbed.

81 want pound O. water crackers"
said Mrs. Korntop.
"Well-er-s'pose send 'em up to
your placer" replied the country store
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-01-24

Wife (anxiously)-1s my husband
very ILL.,, doctor?
DR.. stickum-oh, no! Only about
$500 worth.-Cincinnati Commercial
Tribune.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10
kirkviIle.

Kirlville, April 10.-The death of
Mrs. J. ]. Owens occurred last Mon.
day morning at 1 o'clock at the home
of her daughter. Mrs. Owens has been
ill for more than two years and has
been confined to her bed for the past
thirteen months. A large number Of
friends join the husband and daugh-
ter in mourning her departure. The
funeral was held Wednesday after
noon at o'clock at the Christian
church, and the remains were inter-
red in the West View cemetery.
Mrs. James McDonough and Mrs. G..
w. Thompson went to Delta last Sat
urday for a few days visit with their
sister, Mrs. Reid.
Miss Lulu McMullen of Ottumwa
visited Kirkville friends for few
days last week.
G. w. Faylure has been confined TO
his bed for several days as result of
fall.
The township trustees held their
regular spring meeting Monday after
noon.
Mr.. Garvin made a business trip to
Ottumwa Monday.
G. F. Elkins visited over Sunday
with his parents.
Mrs p. G.. Drummond returned ia
lher home in Ottumwa after spending
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10
j. O. LOCH WRITES
The Courier Receives a Letter
From ]. 0. Loeb. Who
is in Chicago.
Never Before Have Qualities
Been Better or Prices
Lower.

me courier is in receipt of a let.
ter from j. o. Loeb, who is in Chi.
cago buying his stock of pianos and
organs, which will prove interestine
to all its readers.
Two or three times each year Mr.
Loeb makes trip to the east, and per.
sonally selects his stock of goods
thus insuring his patrons the very
best obtainable at the very lowest
prices.
He says that never before has he
been able to secure such bargains in
high grade instruments. This will
naturally make the price much closer
to the buyer and of course insures a
busy season in the musical line. Mr..
Loeb is especially enthusiastic about
the Lakeside. While he has hereto
fore enjoyed large sale on these in
struments, he confidently expects to
dispose of more than ever, owing to
the fact that the high standard of
excellence in this instrument is al
ways kept up, and that they are back
ed by, not only his personal guaran-
tee. but by a large and responsible
factory.
The goods will arrive in the city
just as soon as the factory can get
them out, and will be displayed at the
salesrooms at lit e. Main street. Mr..
Loeb has been in the piano and organ
business for years and is certainly
an experienced judge Of what consti-
tutes really good instrument. In
this connection he says that he never
has seen the time when such values
were offered at the low prices at
which they are going now
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10
HilISboro,

Hillsboro, April 10.-John Creswell
of sheep to Nebraska.
Mrs. S. G. Ellis is quite i'll this week
with severe attack of cramps and
rheumatism.
John Carter shipped his Angora
goats to Illinois; also double dicked
car of sheep.
Rex Carter, who is attending the
Iowa Wesleyan university in Mt.
Pleasant, is visiting home folks this
week
G. w. Alton, township trustee, met
with the board the first of the week.
Mrs Carson returned from Illinois
where she was called by the death of
her daughter, Mrs. French. Homer
Sisk. her grandson, of Mt. Pulaski,
returned with her
Marie Young is convalescent of the
measles. Her grandfather, w. w.
Cartwright of Ottumwa was down to
see her the last of the week.
Rev. E. o. Dickinson completed his
fourth year in Hillsboro Free Baptist
church and has gone to Racine, Wis,
His successor has not come as yet.
Mrs. Sapp of Charleston is with her
niece, Miss Esther Hitch, who is very
low at her home on Main street
Miss Alma Davidson and Mrs. John
Taylor are very,ill with the measles.
Andy Reed is'yisiting in town.
A meeting of the stockholders of
the Hillsboro Savings bank was held
today in the bank parlors.
The Methodist Episcopal Sunday
school elected the following officers
Cashier j. w. Young, superintendent;
Agnes Percival, secretary and G. w
Alton, chorister.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10


went back to the Chicago Medical
school on a stock train Sunday.
Miss Bernice Heinsman and little
brother, Dale, of Oskaloosa, were Sun
day visitors with relatives in town.
Chiever Caves has returned from
Derrsville, o.
Mr.. and Mrs. Tenant went to Ce
dar Tuesday to call on the new M. E.
pastor and family, Rev. Hiram Gil
bert.
Arthur Ellis has secured employ
ment in Burlington.
Mr. and Mrs. w. B. Quarton left last
week for Minnesota. They expect to
be gone about month, visiting with
daughter in Verndale, Mimi, and
with Judge Quarton and Mr.. and Mrs
Joseph McFall of Algona, this state.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10
Bladensburg.

Bladensburg, April 10.-school be.
gan here Monday with A. N. Smith
as principal and Miss Fannie Nye as
primary teacher.
Mrs. Parker who has been quite i'll
for some time is improving slowly.
Mr.. and Mrs. L. c. Yeager and Mrs.
Adam Decker were over-Sunday visit
ors with their sister, Mrs. Andrew Al
len, near Blakesburg.
Rev. E. A. Hastings of Floris will
begin his work here Saturday night
as pastor of the Christian church. He
will also preach Sunday morning and
evening and his service has been Sc.
cured for one-half time for the remain
der of the year.
School began at No. Monday with
Mss Dora Fisher as teacher.
Chas. Parker and family, who lived
in Missouri, but have recently moved
to Ottumwa, are visiting at John Muir.
rays.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10
LEGAL.
HIGHWAY Notice.

To a al whom it may concern:
TheI commissioner appointed to view, and
if rec tuired, to vacate highway known as
Willis. ms vacation, commencing at a point
wherei the highway intersects the west line
of thu! east half of the southeast quarter
Of section 33, township 70, range IA, and
runnin ;g thence southwesterly about 40 rods
to the intersection with the highway run.
ming south, has reported in favor of the
yacati oh' thereof, and all objections thereto
or claims for damages, must be filed i'll the
auditoS8 office on or before noon OF the
10th day of June, A. D., 1902, or such high
thereto,
1902. 1. H. HAMMOND,
uditor of Wapello County, Iowa.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10
Highland Center.

Highland Center, April 10.-Mrs. T.
b. DoWner returned home Saturday
from two months visit with her pa
rents at Rock Rapids.
! Roy Stevens, of Ottumwa, was call
ing on friends here Sunday
Mrs. Susan Vaughn left Thursday
for a visit with relatives at Delavan,
ILL.,
David Miller, of Kansas, who was
called here by the death of his father,
Ernest Miller, was calling on friends
here Friday.
An all day social session was held
by the Women's Foreign missionary
society, Thursday, April 3, at the home
of Mrs. G. w. Buckner. A large num-
Der of members and visitors were pr<
sent, including Mrs. G. w. Beck. of
Fremont. Busy work occupied tfe
morning and at noon the ladies enjoy
ed the hospitality of Mrs Buckner at
dinner. At 2:30 WORK stopped and the
regular missionary program was given.
Mrs. Grain presided and led in the
scripture reading, followed by Mrs.
Beck in prayer. The roll was called
by the secretary pro tenn and then
the members read the lesson of the
leaflet study with informal discussion.
A new member joined the society en-.
couraging them to keep up their pres.
ent record of an addition each meet
ing. Mrs. Grain, as the new president,
is being very successful in helping the
society and all are making a renewed
effort. All interested are invited to
attend the meetings. The next meet
ing will be held at the home of Mrs,
| Grain, Thursday, Nav
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10

few days with her sister, Miss Jen-
ME Fulmer.
Miss Sallie Mckinley is visiting
friends in Oskaloosa.
Mr.. and Mrs. F. A. Waddell spent
Sunday with Ottumwa friends.
Philip Alderman returned to his
home at Hiteman after visit with
his grandparents, DIR. and Mrs. D. G.
DinSmore.
Miss Birdie Cook of ottumwa was a
Kirkville visitor Friday.
Frank Waddell and Theo. Reed went
to Ottumwa Tuesday.
Miss Elsie Bissell returned to OF
tumwa Saturday evening after visit
ing for a few days with Kirkyille
friends.
Mr. and Mrs. James Forsythe of
Ottumwa were Sunday visitors.
The West View Cemetery associa-
ton will give box supper Friday ev-
ening, April is. All are cordially in
Vlted and the women are requested to
bring a we'll filled box.
Mrs. T. T. Bissell and Mrs. Peter
Lyklns were Ottumwa visitors Tues
day.
Rev. w. E. Brandanburg of Des
Moines arrived Wednesday to conduct
the funeral services of Mrs. J. J. Ow.
ems.
]. w. Carson is erecting building
on his lot on South Cedar street
Mrs. Rouse of Abba is the guest
|of Mrs. Theo. Reed.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10
TO INVESTORS:

Have you some money you would like to
have earn good interest? If you want
straight loans we can furnish you some first
mortgage loans at to per cent. If, how
ever, You would prefer to chance little In
vestment of your own in land we can put
you next to some which will yield you from
10 to % per cent, on the money invested
and that, in less than twelve months.
Through the various local members of our
Real Estate Association, to the number of
over 300, scattered throughout the state of
Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota. North Dakota,
South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas and Okla
homa. we are kept constantly advised as
to the very best Snaps in Land to be had
in any of the above states. Recollect that
each member of this association before he
was admitted to membership was required
to furnish statement from his local bank
er that he was a reliable, honorable, bust
ness man. So that you are assured of fair
treatment in any dealings you may have
with this association If you would like ito
learn of land in any part Of any of the
above states, write us for full descriptions.
NORRIS WILLIAMS, Secretary.
Office phone 444. Baker Bldg, Ottumwa.
Residence phone 424
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10
Fremont,

Fremont, April 10.-George Sher
man. Mike Smith. Will Fellers and
Will Helms went to South Dakota last
week and the three latter bought land.
They returned Monday.
John Dale spent four or five days OF
last week at home on a visit. He
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10

Notice Es hereby given to all persons in
terested, that on the Sth day of April. A.
D.. 1907, the undersigned was appointed
Nv the clerk of the district court of Wap
clio count,i, Iowa, executor Of the estate OF
Daniel easbed late 70 of sa SAID esse
VIII make s,ayment to the undersigned, and
those having claims against the same WI.
present the q, legally authenticated to said
court for alliowance
Dated AplsiI g: 1902 .,
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1902-04-10
Moravia.

| Moravia, April 10.-E. V. Cole, of
| Moravia, was visitor to Abba Mon
day.
| o. G. Hull was down from Abba
| Tuesday shaking hands with his many
| friends.
Jacob Knitted, of Queen City, Mo-,
| is here visiting his daughter, Mrs,
Will Chambers.
/ Messrs. Claud Alverson Willie Nc
Crory, Frank Selby and Harry Dun,
can were Sunday visitors in Hilton.
1 DR.. Smith made a professional call
to Foster Monday.
Frank Thomas went to st. Louis
with a car load of stock Saturday.
Marshall Coffin and Frank More
house attended to business in Abba
| Contractor Hobart has let the brick
work on DR.. Smiths new residence to
the Trigg Brothers, of Centerville,
and they will commence in a short
time.
VIM. Scrock was in Abba Sunday
night.
Clyde Patterson is sojourning in
Mystic this week.
Col. w. D. Kinser made business
trip to Centerville Tuesday.
Chas. Winsler was called to Center
vile Tuesday, where he is foreman of
the grand jury.
The bricklayers resumed work on
the new Turner block Monday.
Mrs. Will Graham left for Arkan-
sas City Monday to join her husband.
MunterviIIe.
Munterville, April 10.-F w. Hall
left today for visit with his brother,
G. e. Hall, in Oklahoma, and if he
| likes it there he will remain for an
indefinite time.
Mr.. and Mrs. G. H. Swanson and
son. Arthur, Mr. and Mrs. Erland An
derson and family, and Mrs. A. t.
Johnson and Miss Anna Weisman Wis
tied with L. L. Swenson and wife last
Monday evening.
Alfred Gustafson, the mail carrier,
moved onto his own property yester-
day and will not rent the A. Huffman
farm as he had intended to this sea-
son.
Rev. Beck and Sven Pearson were
Ottumwa visitors Saturday.
Fred Johnsan has erected new
wind mill at his place and laid under
ground pipes to conduct the water to
his feed lot, and there has a large
tank, which makes it very convenient
for all purposes.
Swan Anderson went to work for
Nels Hall today.
Mr.. and Mrs. G. F. Hail. of Blakes-
brug, spent Sunday with l.. L. Sven.
son.
Mr.. and Mrs. Nels Swenson were
Ottumwa visitors yesterday.
John Swanson went to Ottumwa to-
day.
Chas. Smith, east of here, had the
misfortune to lose fine yearling colt
a few days ago.
UdelI.
Udell, April 10.-J. T. Ashmead is
back from Kansas.
| Geo. Kohler received shipment OF
fruit trees from Topeka, Kan, Mon
| day.
VIM. Willett, of Moulton, was in
town Tuesday of this week.
4 1t is reported that the Rock Island
railway will put on another day train
Sunday and make some change in the
other one that is on.
J. M. Mcdonald talks of going to Jas
per county, Mo-, this season to his
farm that he purchased some time ago
District No. 8, Udell township, voted
at the election Monday to become an
independent school district.
w. H. Leavell and family left Tues
day night for Idaho.
J. F. Ketcham is home again from
| Missouri
A. Burkhardt is building a large i'm
plement room.