The Billings gazette. [volume] (Billings, Mont.) 1896-1919, 1902-01-07
SAMPLES OF SCOTCH WIT.

Honor Of Andrew Carnegie.
1t takes a surgical operation to get a
Joke into a Scotchman's head! Let no
man say this again, says the New York
WoTlo. If ever a company Of banquet
ers was in a roar from beginning to
end Of the speechmaking it was the
gallant $50 Scots who paid tribute to
Andrew Carnegie at the Delmonico
dinner the other night. Never was
such a batch Of good stories told all in
the same evening. Mr.. Carnegie, Mark
Twain and ex-Justice Henry E. How
land outvied the other in humor.
ANDREW CARNEGIE.
81 never thought I'd be president Of
this society for three times. When you,
Mr.. Mayor elect, get to be president Of
the United States. which is not at all
unlikely, l pray you will not serve
more than two terms; it might en-
barrass you. want you all to remem-
ing poor. Some of you Scotchmen will
persist in leaving something behind
you. ,@
Tonight we're as 'hieland' as whisky
and as lowland as haggis. It's like the
higher criticism said an old woman
who believed in it. Now, take the
doctrine of total depravity; it's as guild
as onny of them if you only live up
to it,"
MARX TWAIN.
of her great distress: First Mary died,
and then the callant-the shepherd dog.
Then husband died, and at last the
COW, but l got Is shilling out Of her
hide This reminds me of the school
boy who said, "A lie is an abomination
in the sight of the Lord and an ever
present help in time of trouble
'There was a man whose mother-in-
law died, and he received a telegram
asking: Shall we bury, embalm or
cremateY He replied, If these fail.
try dissection He knew the other
three would be tried anyway.
"Then there's the boy who said,
Faith is believin' what you know amt
So He's now studying for the min
istry.
IAN old Irish widow was sitting On
the curb. tired out with carrying her
basket Of washing. Two ~granddames
stopped near to discuss the past sum
mer.
81 went to Long Branch. and it was
nothing but Irish. Irish!!
"'Yes, and went to Saratoga, and It
was nothing but irish, Irish, Irish,
too!
"Then the old washerwoman arose in
her wrath.
"'Why didn't you go to hades? Faith,
there's no Irish there!'
II remember the day I was born. 1t
was bitter cold. l came into the world
without clothes. l was astonished.
spoke Of it to my parents. They had
no explanation when taken so suddenly
except the old excuse that it was GUS
tomary. What was custom to me Mt
that age of life? All you care then ia
how you look. l never felt so embar-
rassed in all my life."
Ex-JUsTICE HENRY E. ROWLAND.
I'm the midst of life we are-in
Brooklyn.
s'This is a land of milk and honey,
with occasional deposits of coal and
iron. That was like the Irishman who
wanted to reduce sixteen to one to it's
lowest terms, so he called it nothing
to ate.'
"Boston is a town so antiquated that
the streets are bent double with age.
They know the language so we'll that
the little children advise each other to
read Emerson before they nutgrow it.
When a little Boston girl fell from a
ladder, her mother cried out. Darling.
how did you fally.
"svertically, mammal!
"Chicago is such a rapid town that a
man gets ahead Of his future before he
can get really started or his career"