The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-09-20
Mr.. DOOLEY ON MODERN
PROGRESS.

who's pitcher to put on tn useful val
entines we thrade FIR groceries.
But if Hor'ce Greeley was alive to-
day where'd he be? Settin' on three
| inches iv tn edge iv chair in tn out
side office iv me frind Pierpont Nor
gan waitin FIR his turn. In tn line is
the Imp'ror iv Germany, tn new cook,
tn prisidint iv railroad, tn cap'n iv
tn yacht, Rimbrandt tn panther.
Jawn w. Gates, an Hor'ce. Afther a
while tn boy at tn dure says; 'Ye're
next, OF party. Sthep lively FIR tn
boss has had a Weehawken Peerooginy
sawed off on him this mornin' an he
mustn't be kept waitin' An tn iditor
goes in.
Who ARE YEP says the great
man, givin' him wan iv thin piercin'
looks that whin man gets it he has
to be sewed up at wanst.
:" I'm ye'er iditor,' says Hor'ce.
:" Which wan?' says Pierpont.
" Number two hundred an eight,
What's yeer spichilty?'
"'Tahriff an tn improvement i've tn
wurruld,' says Hor'ce.
% See Perkins, says Pierpont, an tn
interview is over.
Now what's made tn change?
Mechanical Science, Hinnissy. Some
wan put up a masheen that puts steel
billets within tn reach ig all. HDoe
Charlie Schwab.
: whats it done FIR tn wurruu? says
We. It's done evrything. It's give us fast
ships an an autymatic hist FIR tn nod,
an small flats an a taste iv solder in
tn peaches. If anybody says tn
wurruld amt betther off thin it was,
tell him that a masheen has been in
vinted that makes honey out iv pc
throlyum. If he asts ye why they
amt amy Shakespeares today, say:
No, but we no longer make sausaGes
be hand
"'Tis progress. We live in cinchry
IL pro- gress an I thank tn Lord I've
seen most iv it. Man an boy I've lived
pretty near through this wonderful
age If L was proud 1 cud say 1 seen
more thin julius Caesar liver see or
cared to. An here l am, I'll not say
how old, still pushin' tn malt acrost tn
counther at me thirsty counthrymen.
All around me is tn refinements iv
mechanical JANUS.
Instead iv broachin' tn beer kag
with a club an adhrawin' tn beer
through a fassit as me Puritan fore
fathers done, I have that wondher iy
invintive science tn beer pump.
cheat mesilf with a cash raygisther
cut off tn end iv me good cigar with
an injaynous device an pull tn cork
out iv bottle with a CONTINUANCE that
Wud've made that frind that Hogan
boasts about, that OF boy Archy Needs
think they was witchcraft in tn house
Science has been a great blessin' to me
But amidst all these granjoors here an
I tn same OF antiquated combination
iv bellows an pump I always was. Not
so good. Time has worn me out. TIL
years like little boys with jaekknives
has carved their names in me top
Ivry day 1 have to write off something
FIR depreciation. 'Tis about time fl
whoiver owns me to wurruk me off or
a thrust. Mechanical science has done
ivrything FIR me but help me. 1 sup.
pose I ought to feel SUPERIOR to ms
father. He niver see a high buildin'
but he didn't want to. He cudden
come here in five days, but he was {
wise man an If he cud've come in three
he'd have stayed in tn County Ros
common
"Th pa-apers tells me that midica
science has kept pace with tn hop
skip-an' -a-jump iv mechanical in
ginooty. Tn doctors has found tn
mickrobe iv evrything firm lumbago Il
love, an firm jandice to jealousy, bu
if a brick bounces on me head Tn
Grated up tn same as iv' yore an pu
away. Rockyfellar can make a piann,
out iv barl iv crude lie, but no wal