Evening star., 1902-09-13
VARIETY IN JAGS

81
During the progress of any big blow
out. like the corHing Co. A. r. encampment,"
remarked the communicative head barkeep
of the ornate Nsvershut Cafe. most of the
different types Of jags pass in review in
place like thist Thespeople that actually
take part in thesnca mpments or conclaves,
or what-d ye-csAl-' emit are not the ones
tnat get on the reservation. The jagsters
are mostly outs stde visitors and chaps vino
seize upon anystold opportunity to project
themselves into a state of holiday souse.
I've been in the business SO long that can
spot the different types of jags just as
soon as they come in the door, and it's up
to me to know how, to handle 'em all.
It's part of my job, for example. to give
soiace ana surcease of sorrow to the weepy
9ags. Ihe Weepy jag never, By any possi-
blhty, knows why he is weepy. His most
common observation is that iife's a frost
ana a nasco, and that he doesn't see much
IN 1t. Ihen ne weeps more copiousiy than
ever. hes generally got a few lines OF
very sad verse tap, and these he lets me
nave with great frequency. oh, for the
touch of Vanished hand is one bunch
OF words that all the weepy jags seem to
ENJOY, and oh, death in life, the days that
are no more is. another mess out OF the
complete Elocutionist that they've got all
pat generally tell the weepy jags funny
stories. The first two or three don't go at
to be gloomy and weepy, and he looks at
me KIND o reproachfully for daring to pre-
sumo that the awful shadow on his llte is
capable of being lifted by any such medium
as a rataplan of funny yarns. But L al
ways persist along this line, and when l
screw the first grin out of the Weepy jag
know I've got him. From that on 20 Ill.
muituous laughter by the jag lin a state OF
weeps but a short time before is easy
enough when You learn how to do it.
"a pretty hard jag to handle is the one
that thinks everybody has offended MN
and that all hands around the shop are
agin him. We're all knocking him. It's
pretty hard to have a bunch OF knockers
for friends, burned if it amt. He can
understand why the whole bunch should
have singled him out to pick on tie
doesn't know that he's done anything TO
cause him to be treated that way. lie
doesn't owe any one of us dollar, does ne?
And he's been dropping in and paying his
way. and making good. for long time,
hasn't he? Well. why have we all entered
into conspiracy to humiliate him and
snow him up and make him feel cheap!
Yes. it's hard to soothe the offended jag.
He'll suk on you, and you've got to use
lot of patience to bring him around. When
a man with one Of these offended buns on
comes in know that I've got to come pref
ty near canceling dates for couple of
hours ahead in order to square things up
with him.
The benevolent jag is dangerous. 1c
has to be watched very closely. The
benevolent jag wants to give away a roli
Of bills big CROUCH to stuff a Percheron
horse collar his watch and chain. Ills
three-stone diamond ring and his diamond
pin. He wants to give these things away
TO anybody who'll accept them. Hes
dangerous. because if he isn't piped off
carefully he'll stack up against some graf
ter who'll take his goods, and then there S
bound to be a below in several different
minor keys when the benevolent jag comes
to on the following day. Ii the benevolent
j2gs are strangers it's my business to see
that they don't remain around the place.
If l know the benevolent jag. however, |
very graciously' accept his proffered foll
when he demands that I take it little
token Of his affection and esteem, and L
often take his glitterers, too. It's more
fun than a monkey cage to meet with one
and watch for. about half an hour the
worry and gloom on his features over lis
losses of the night before and then to flash
his wad and his sig-lRmps on him.
He imagines thst he's the revised edition
Of Coal Oil Jelfnnies He flashes a two
dollar note ,hN wBle ple-on the bar
Mesp kesper and IL dsh4and wine for the house;
the price of the several baskets necessary
to warm the veins of the whole house be
exhibited the billionaire jag is horribly
insulted and demands that a check book
and pen and ink be produced so that he
can scrbble a draft for $4,000 so. AS
often as not the billionaire jag has spent
most of his coin without remembering The
fact, or he's a chap who's gone through a
lot of money and forgets that it's gone
through, or he's piker with that mental
twist that rum gives some men, known 10
the brain sharps the deirum of gran
deur. But to whatever subspecies he be-
longs he's got to be Stroked right, and he's
not easy one.
"A Jag who creates within me the sensa-
tion of deep WEAKNESS and depression Is
the one who has the greatest little wife
in the world, and that's so. fellers.' | have
to lead this one off to other TOPICS but he
always comes back to the statement that
he possesses the grandest and noblest little
wife in the whole wide world. Eventually
l have to lead up to the insinuation that it
wouldn't be such a bad job for him to go
home to her. and sometimes he's idiotc
enough to invite me to home with
him; but | always sidestep this one. When
l was new and inexperienced in this busi-
ness I once went home with one of them
that had the grandest and noblest little
wife in the whole wide world, and the lay
ing out l got from the grandest and noblest
etc, who was nearly six feet high, for get
ting her husband into such condition
was all that required In that line
There are about AIS other and entirely
separate types of jags, and I'm looking for
most of 'em to drift in when the big doings
begin. When it's all over I'm going to en-
plOy most of my spare time in writing that
great work of mine, Jags That l Have Jol-
lied Along with maps, charts. diagrams,
illustrations of types, names of-but, no, 1
don't think I'll use any names. That I'D
be too much like trying to tear the little
old hamlet up by the roots
A Hygienic Terror.