The leader., 1902-10-22
MODERN PROGRESS.
t'Mr. Dooley" Reviews It's Won
derful Strides and Moral
L izesfa Bit.
BY F. P. DuNNE.


Mr.. Dooley was reading from paper.
"'We live" he says, "in an age iv won
dhers. Niver befure in tn 'histhry iv
tn wurruld has such progress been
made
"Thrue wurruds an often spoken.
Even in me time things has changed.
Whin | was la-ad Long Jawn Whit
worth cud lean his elbows on th' high
est buildin' in this town. 1t took two
months to come here firm Pittsburg on
a limited raft an stage coach that
run firm La Sale to Mrs Murphy's
hotel. They wasn't amy tillygraft
that can raymimber an TIL sthreet
car was pulled be mule an dhruv be
an engineer be tn name iv Mulligan.
We thought we was pro- -grissive peo-
pie. Yer bet we did. But look at us
today. l go be Casey's house to night
an there it is fine storey-a AN "a half
frame house with Casey settin' on th'
dure sthep dhrinkin' out iv pail l
go be Casey's house to-morrah an it's
hole in tn groun.' / rayturn to Ca
sey's house on Thursdah an it's fifty
eight storey buildin' with morgedge
onto it an they're thinkin' iv takin' it
down an replacin' it with modhern
structure. Th' shoes that Corrigan,
tn cobbler wanst wurruked on FIR
week, hammerin' away like wood
pecker, is now tossed out be tn dozens
firm tn mouth iv masheen. A COW
goes lowin' softly in to Armours an
comes out glue, beef, gelatine, ferty-
lizer, cellooloid, joolry, sofy cushions,
hair restorer, washin' sody, soup, lith-
rachoor an bed springs so quick that
while aft she's still COW, far'ard she
may be anything firm buttons to
Pannyma hats. | can go from Chicago
to New York in twinty hours, but I
| don't have to, thank tn Lord. Thirty
years ago we thought twas marvellous
to be able to tillygraft man in Saint
Joe an get an answer that night. Now,
be wireless tillygraft ye can get an
annswer befure ye sind tn tillygram
if they amt careful. Me frind Macroni
has done that. Be names iv his won
dher iv science a man on ship in mid
ocean can sind tillygram to man on
shore, if he has confid'rate on board.
That's all he needs. Be mechanical
science an thrust in tn op'rator amy
wan can set on tn shore iv Newfound-
lard an chat with frind in tn Coun-
ty Kerry.
"Yes, sir, mechanical science has
made great sthrides. When | was a
young man we used to think Horce
Greely was tn gr-reatest livin' Amer
lean. He was gran man, gran man
with feathers beneath his chin an
specs on his nose like tn windows in a
divers hamlet. His pollyticks an
mine cudden't live in tn same neigh
borhood but he was gran man, all tn
same. We used to take tn Cleveland
Plain Dealer in thin days f'r raycrea-
tion an tn New York Thribune FIR ex-
ercise. Twas considered a test iv a
good natured dimmycrat if he cud
read an article in, tn Thrybune with
out havin to do tn stations iv tn
cross aftherward f'r what he said
almost did wanst but they was line
name of Andrew Jackson an | wint
meetin'. He was tn boy that cud put
I it to ye so that if ye voted tn dimmy-
crat tickit it was jus tn same as de-
mandin' a place in purgytory. Th'
farmers would plant anything firm q
ruty baga to congressman on his ad-
vice. He niver had money enough to
buy hat, but he cud go to the sicrity
iv tn threasury an tell him who's
pitcher to put on tn useful valentines
we thrade f'r groceries.
But if Hor'ce Greeley was alive to-
day where'd he be? .Settin' on three
inches iv tn edge iv chair in tn out
side Office iv me frind PiePpont Morgan
waitin' FIR his turn. In tn line is th'
imp'ror iv Germany, tn new cook, tn
prisidint iV railroad, tn cap'n iv tn
yacht, Rimbrandt, the panther, Jawn
W. Crates, an Hor'ee. Afther awhile
tn boy at tn dure says: "Ye're next,
OF party. Shtep lively f'r tn boss has
had Weehawken Peerooginy sawed
off on him this mornin' an he mustn't
be KEEP waitin'.' An tn iditor goes in.
Who ARE ye?' say tn great man,
givin' him wan iv thin piercin' looks
that whin man gets it he has to be
sewed up at wanst. I'm ye'er iditor,
says Hor'ce. (Which wan?" says PIER
pont, "No. 208.' What's. ye'er spichil-
typ 'Tahriff an tn improVemint iv tn
wurruld,' says Hor'ce. See Perkins,
says Pierpont, an tn intherview is
over. Now what's made tn change?
Mechanical science, Hinnissy: Some
wan put up masheen that puts steel
| A.,
Charley Schwab.
"Whats it done FIR tn wurruld? says
ye. It's done ivrything. It's give us
fast ships an an autymatic hist f'r th'
hod, an small flats an taste iv solder
in tn peaches. If anybody says tn
wurruld amt betther off thin it was,
tell him that masheen has been in
vinted that makes honey out iv pethro-
lyum. If he asts ye why they amt
amy Shakespeares to-day, say: No,
but we no longer make sausages be
| hand
"'Tis progress. We live in cinchry
| iv pro -gress an ! thank tn Lord I've
seen most iv it. Man an boy I've
lived pretty near through this wondher
full age. If / was proud | cud say I
seen more thin Julius Caesar iver see
say how old, still pushin' tn malt
acrost tn counther at me thirsty
counthrymen. All around me is tn
refinemints iv mechanical JANUS. In
stead iv broachin' the beer keg with a
fassit as me Puritan forefathers done,
| have that wondher iv invintive science
| tn beer pump. [ cheat meself with a
cash rayglsther. L cut OF tn end 1V
me good cigar with an injanyous de-
vice an pull tn cork out iv bottle
with CONTINUANCE that wud've made
that frind that Hogan boasts about,
that oil boy, Archy Needs, think they
was witchcraft in tn house. Science
has been great blessin' to me.
But amidst all these granjoors here
am I tn same old antiquated combina-
tion iv bellows an pump I always was.
Not so good Time has worn me out.
Th' years like little boys with jack
knives has carved their names in me
top. Ivry day ! have to write off some
/ thing FIR depreeyation. 'Tis about time