The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1902-07-09
NEWS FROM POsTERITY.


Wo begin i'm this issue a series Of
Historical Papers oy the long.legged,
freckled faced, red headed, pug nosed,
pen pushing Napoleon, zimri Geek,
author of "The Tangled Tale of the
Troublesome Kangaroo, "How To
See Laurens by Moonlight, "Why Ice
is Not Made in Laurens", GLOW To
Eat Three Meals a Day, etc. These
papers were originally published in
1899 by The Imperial Publishing Com
pany, but having secured all rights to
them we offer them to u readers as L
compilation Of fact and fancy, and not
as a prediction or forecasts. Remem-
Der, they are printed as they were
originally written for the "Imperial
Weekly Digest" published by the
aforesaid company.
The Filipino Pick artist is a won
der. AS is we'll known a large force of
them are making the excavations for
the new passenger station of the In
ternational Aerial Navigation Com.
pany at the corner of Tillman Avenue
and Talbert Boulevard. About three
o'clock yesterday afternoon one Of
these skilled artisans unearthed a GU
rious shaped thing, made of an an
cient substance called ~'iron." This
discovery by the Filipino occasioned
very little interest, except to the stu
dents of the McSweeney Institute Of
Ancient History, especially 10 those in
the department of Archaeology. The
learned Professor Of the Chair Of In
dustrial Freaks made q visit to the
scene early after it became known
aud the news soon spread over the
Voiceless- Wireless Telephone, and
upon being interviewed by a Reporter
for THE DIGEST he stated as his opin-
ion that this ching" WIS what was
known in the year 1902 as a railroad
engine, and that it must have belonged
to the old Charleston and Western
Carolina Rail Road, but this is denied
by some as being mere speculation.
The prevalent opinion is that this
engine was used to haul the party Of
men calling themselves political Cam
%paigners, which we are told by the his
torian Billy Bozozo, of the Coco.Co'a
age, was an aggregation of office seek
wealth of South Carolina, chasing the
sovereign voter, in order that they
might land in Office and handle the
ribbons OF government. This engine
broke down doubtless while being used
in this business. His Dignity, the
Professor, after %venturing the above
statement, then dissertated at length
on the political ansformation of this
country. He is of the opinion that the
establishment Of III present form of
government, which is monarchial, was
due to the Trust, which he says was a
combination of men effected for the
betterment Of the masses. The learned
professor consented to furnish us with
an N rttnla fN,, ~ nnvf toatn nm fhp
'"The People of Laurens In 1902" He
has made a study Of this subject and no
doubt it will be Interestingly treated.
1t is a we'll known fact that IL an
cestors who lived in this P~rincipality
which was formerly the town of Lau-
rens, and %curiously laid off around a
square, were a very peculiar people.
Their transportation facilities, be IT
remembered that they lived in the
Steam Age, were strange creations to
we moderns. And the peaceful reign
of our beloved Prince Benjamin vi.
who is the present head of the House
OF Tillmanory, and whose full name is
Talbert- Benjamin Zimmerman : Hey
disorderly times in South Carolina in
the early part of this century, before
this burg was made the principality OF
Laurentiark. 1t is known that the
people in that day were very patient
and very thrifty, and that all pract-
ical politicians had to be patented,
and that none of them carried pistols
longer than q inches and weighing
less than 3 pounds. Politicians we're
regular human beings though it is
hard TO believe it in this age OF Roy
atty. And in the year of 1902 there
were two parties-the Ius'' and the
"Outs" that is, those who were in Of
flee and thosa who were out of Office.
with their fists, tho more often with
words. That they were an ingenious
set is beyond dispute. That they we're
in politics, wa for the reason that
there was money in it.
Money then was a metallic sub
stance, round in shape, white in color,
called in sense "flthy lucre" and
in another "the dollar, and stamped
by the government with the head of a
maid who dressed her hair with leaves.
This was only on one side. On the
reverse side was a picture of al animal,
long since extinct, called the American
Eagle, which was an eXpansioning
beast, and because of whose rapaciOus-
presence in our community of the
above mentioned Filipino artisan.
1t is thought that this money talked,
but 1t is not known in what language,
but certain 1T is that some of it used
the megaphone, not the telephone of
1902. This vas the moving factor in
politics in those times, and is it not
strange contrast with our Pater-
nalism?-we draw Just what we want
out OF the Royal EXchequer, and when
ever we please. In the matter of
transportation facilities we are come
what in advance of our ancestors of
1902. We can GO to the Empire of
O~lintoniana either via the Pneumatic
Subway, or the international Aerial
Automobile, whereas In that Olden
time people had to make the trip of
nine miles via the dirt road, the rail
road or the Electric road, This brings
us round again to the new passenger
station of the Aerial Company. This
structure will be five hundred feet tall,
two hundred wide, and three hundred
feet long. 1t will contain twenty-five
stories the uppermost one to be used
for the accommodation of Laurentiark.
Clintoniana freight and passenger
traffic. liz will be built by the use Of
Liquid Air and the Filipino artisan
within ten months. 1t will take this
great length OF time because it is de-
sired to embellish the interior with
fac-smiles of the horse, the railroad
engine, the electric car, the Temple of
Justice, and the patented politician,
making it a kind of Hall Of Fame of
human curiosi,ies, historical accidents,
and industrial freaks, as well as a.