The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1902-10-26
ONE OF LEW DocKsTADER's
GOOD THINGS ALMOST DROVE
HIM CRAZY
TRIES TO BE RID OF 1T
WHEN PEOPLE ROAST HIN
But IL Sticks and He Finds Himself
Getting 1t Off in All Sorts of Places,
as Frequently Inopportune as Other
wise-FinaIy Gives 1t to chauneey
M. pepew.
BY LEW DocksTADER.

BY LEW DocksTADER.
What it it we love more than life. fear
more than death? The rich man wants
it, the poor mans got it, the miser spends
it, the spendthrift leaves it, and when we
die we take it with US to our graves.
You give it up? The answer is nothing.
nothing more than we do death. A rich
man wants nothing, the poor man mas
nothing the miser sPends n9tn mbsn l Me
die we take nothing to our graves.
1t gained me thousands Of laughs,
that good old gag, and I learned to
love it like pet vice. AS it grew
old and hoary 1 held for it reverence
you feel for your great grandparents.
l loved it, I'll confess that. 1t was so
much a part Of myself that 1t had
personality just like a man has, or
dog, or a monkey, or politician, or
any other of the same species. The
demand was such for new "stuff' that
l at last decided that / must shake
this antediluvian gag, which was hrst
Iisped by Aristophanes when two
weeks old, and seek for new, up-to-
date material.
1t was like the killing of brother
or amputating an arm but had to do
1t. Ny living was at stake. Old-tim-
ers in various parts of the country who
came to see the show fled in horror
when I started to spring the old min
strel timeserver, and one man even de-
manded his money back as he took to
the open.
Twill that man DockStader ever get
a. new joker" he asked of the manager
'1've heard that thing until I'm tired
of 1t. 1t is so dead that you violate
the sanitary rules when you have it
about. 1t is an outrage, criminal
offense, to carry such a corpse with a
show. That man Dockstader is
ghoul, a body snatcher, a grave rob-
Der. It puts my nerves on edge to see
a cadaver dragged before the public
in this way. Some day this fellow will
wind UP in the penitentiary, where he
ought to be, mark mel"
Manifestations like this forced me
to a sense of reform. More than that,
one night, when 1 had an unusually
appreciative audience in Oconomowoc,
their happy demeanor turned to bitter
loathing when I sprang the gag. l
thought it would knock 'em cold" but
instead half of the crowd cried, "Oh,
fudge!" in chorus and left the house.
1 was grateful, however, that they had
the good taste not to seek me on the
stage or shower me with offerings
from the pit and the gallery.
After New Gag.
But it all decided me to get new
gag-something with the epigrammatic
bite of Pinero and the broad JUNCTION OF
that prince of humorists, Russell Sage.
OF course that was difficult to secure,
but, however the case, the old gag
must go.
L. .31r1,% 7 Avn 11xyc nd
the matter to my own satisfaction.
wrote the old gag carefully on Audi
torium paper in Chicago, and then, in
the seclusion of my room, 1 read 1t
over as though it were virgin in its
novelty I repeated it with the tender
ness of a lover saying goodbye to his
adored, with a reverence and respect
that old age compels and with the re-
luctance that springs from blood rela-
tionship. In fact, that gag seemed
part of myself-my own flesh and
blood 1 said a benediction over it,
moistened it with a few tears and,
with a last sigh of farewell, cast 1t
into the fire and vowed never to utter
it again.
AS the flames began to consume it
imag ined it cried out in agony, but
the sound came from the next room,
where Hobart Chatfield- Taylor was
reading his latest poem to the Irish
porter. 1 felt like a murderer when
1 saw the paper shrivel up and turn
to gray ashes. 1 imagine that man
who with fiendish elaboration kills his
great grandfather must feel the same
way. 1t was terrib <! I was quite I'M
strung and went down to the bar to
get something to steady my nerves.
What will you have?" asked the
bartender
What is it we love-
The gag started to come out Of my
mouth at the time 1 opened it,. But
with great effort 1 crushed the evil
thing back. Then I ordered a cock
tail.
Then had another!
And another.
And still another!
And yet more, in cheering rosy
successioni
Tried to Throttle 1t.
Don't imagine that did not have
a struggle to throttle that gag. Off my
guard it would have sprung from my
mouth in a jiffy, SO to prevent this l
counted ten before ordered each
drink. They tell me that 1 reached
three figures before was through,
but I never knew it. Nor did know
that as they put me to bed I was bab-
bling the old gag like jay farmer who
had heard it for the first time. They
told me about it the next morning.
When the bell boy came in answer
to my ring and deposited the ice wa
ter on the table near the bed, in an
swer to his query as to whether