Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1902-04-05

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN" HE SAID.
don't know something's for half an
hour. Don't you call her some calam-
ity"
THAT was more of an accident than
q calamity. but never mind. I've been
telling you all along how Mrs. O'Sulli-
van. the Countess Divito and the bar
ber's wife have been trying 10 get
'ahead of each other in social way.
Each one wants to be queen of the fiat,
you know"
Eyes. l know, und it makes me feel
bad"
Mrs. O'Sullivan's man Tim drives
coal cart at 4 dollar day, the Count
Divito has banana pushcart. and the
barber has two chair shop in Rocket
alley, but all of EN- have backed their
wives up in the push for social pres
tiGe."
"Vhell?"
well. a week or so ago, Mrs. O'Sul-
Ivan, who was dropping behind in the
game, determined to recover her lost
ground by giving 4 grand function.
You know what n function is, of
course
"She vhas a party, eh?" quericd the
grocer as he opened the stove door to
save coal.
It's 4 sort of combination of husk-
ing bee, candy pull, high tea. birthday
party and reception. It's expected that
all the men will wear swaliowtailcd
coats and all the women low necked
dresses, but they can chew tobacco and
have holes in the heels of their stock
ings at the same time. It's n tony af.
fair, and yet you can drink your beer
out of n bottle and not hurt the feel
ings of the most refined. AS l said.
Mrs. O'Sullivan determined to give a
function. She came to me about ii. of
course, for you can't pull off n swell
affair in a fathouse without the help
of the janitor, and 1 encouraged her
to go ahead"
''Und so It comes OFF,"
Don't be in n hurry. Mr.. Wasser-
man. 1 didn't give the thing away.
and I don't know who did, but the
news got out some way. Then the
countess came to me and said she was
going to knock that function into a
cooked hat by giving bigger one the
same night. Two hours later the bar
ber's wife told me in confidence that
she had planned n swell affair to drive
the other two into the earth"
''Und dot makes three what you call
ems all at once?" said the grocer.
Three grand functions. Mr.. Wasser-
man. and all planned for the same
evening. 1t wasn't for me to give the
racket away. The more functions the
bigger the janitor. I'm running swell
front fiat, you know. and L want all
other janitors to take notice. Besides,
I'd naturally come in on the beer and
lemonade. 1 figured that 1 ought to
get at least n dozen bottles of beer out
Of the three affairs. Yes, kept quiet
and encouraged each one to go ahead,
and L even went out and bought my
self a secondhand white vest for the
occasion"
''Und by und by der night comes?"
at does, Mr.. Wasserman. Yes,
Wednesday night arrived at last, and it
was only on that day that the three
women caught on to each others little
game. That didn't stop things. but
made each woman the more determin-
ed. 1 tell you, there was some tall
hustling around our fiat that day. and
when went out on the street even the
Undertaken bowed to me. AIcAIurpby
came around in the afternoon and ask
ed:
Flows these women getting along?
Like three loving cups in row.
says 1.
sits well for them says he. IF
there's any more nonsense. I'll raise
the rents.'
Il said nothing to him about the
functions, and all went well till
O'Clock came. Then Tim O'Sullivan
came home from the coalyard and