Omaha daily bee., 1902-11-05
HE WILL Triple NO MORE.
Why Nathan Beeswax Joined the Total
Abstinence Brigade.

Fellow citizens, I'm sick,!' said Nathan
Beeswax to a circle Of admirers, as re-
corded by the Charleston News and Courier.
There was too much refreshment circulat-
ing last evening. l began with beer, shifted
to Old Pepper, finally worked my way round
to Mumm's extra dry and then went off in
a. trance. When l woke up. this morning /
thought 1 was somebody else. | caught a
glimpse Of my refiexion in a mirror and my
face frightened me so 1 screamed. You
can't imagine how / felt, because / broke
the record of misery. No man ever did
feel like l did and live. | reached for the
ice water pitcher and took a gulp. For a
minute ! thought / was in heaven. That
water tasted like ambrosis and nectar.
Thirsty? Don't ask me trivial questions.
The temperature in my system was 80 high
that my breath set my moustache on fire.
1t was completely destroyed. No insurance.
l made four efforts to get out OF bed before
l realized the fatuous f~utility of essaying
the impossibility. | moaned In my agony.
| was hot one minute and cold the next,
while a olsmmy and continuous perspiration
added interest and enjoyment TO the pro-
c~eedings. Every little while strange rigors
would seize me and when / finally dropped
into a htful slumber l dreamed that an
alligator was lying beside me and tanning
me with his long red tongue. Nightmare?
No, sir; this was an alligator. HOller?
Why. I'll bet four dollars they heard me
yelling on Edisto island. Now hearken to
me: Nathan Beeswax, as a booze comedian,
is no more. I've joined the Apollinaris
brigade. Are you on?"
How did you happen to accumulate such
a riotous jag, Mr.. Beeswax?" asked one Of
his auditors.
We'll, the material was available, my
boy. and the time somehow seemed to be
opportune. / had been unhappy for sew
eral weeks and l y~earned for the company
Of a few frOlicking sensations. l wanted to
feel glad, as it were. and forget about a
bet / made on a horse last week that
| stopped in the stretch and asked for water.
/ opened the performance with beer, but /
| soon came to the conclusion that IL l
wanted to experience that Joy which pass
eth all understanding ] would have to
switch. So I chased a whisper across the
bar and a bottle OF crimson fluid connected
with my good right hand. That was the
beginning of the end. Ere long l Was too
] merry for anything. My money also began
to annoy me. ] couldn't spend IL fast
enough and when / met a stranger from
Mount Pleasant | asked him IL he would
allow me to give him so. He said he
would oblige me with pleasure, but he'd
like me better II I'd make IL $40. The. sug-
gestion pleased me so that | wept from
sheer joy and handed him the $40. l was
now at the champagne stage OF the game
and the rapids were Just below ne. !
vaguely remember meeting a 'longshoreman
and asking him who his favorite poet was,
but / cart recall what he said. Shortly
afterward the automatic piano began ia
play The Holy City and when the instru-
ment reached that Je-ru-sa-lem' note my
soul slipped out Of its socket and | passed
away. But this morning-don't worry,
won't go over Il again. Hereafter address
your letters TO me In care OF the Tota.