The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-05-21
THREADBARE JOKES.
Funnyisms That Are Made Obsolete
by the March of Civilization

Funnyisms That Are Made Obsolete
by the March of Civilization.
Washington Starr
I Now that we've got a pretty good
running start and have Hoped easily
around a couple of the mile posts Of
I the twentieth century" remarked the
man who looked pretty much at ease
/ with himself I should say that there S
/ no better time than right now for the
elimination, not to say the absolute
ObliteratiOn, of about three Ourths Of
/ the standard and standing newspaper
/ jokes Of the dead-and-gone twentieth
century. There's a certain large bundle
Of funnyisms that should never have
+ been brought forward to the twentieth
century at all. For example, we don't
/ throw bootiacks at the yowling cats on
| the back fence any more, for the most
obvious Of ali reasons. namely. viz,
I that few of Us have clapped an eye on
a bootjack for a matter Of twenty-five
I years or more. Nor do we extend unto
/ the wives Of our bosoms the reproving
/ eye in these days for not sewing but
I tons on our shirts, again for the per-
fcctly simple reason that few, if any
I of US. have worn shirts with buttons
/ sewed onto them for a long number
( Of years. We don't find the picnic Gus
tard pie filled with ants nowadays, be-
cause the picnic habit is a thing that
/ passed out long since, except in the ex-
/ ceedingly rural districts. We don't
| froth at the mouth any mOre-if in
I deed, we ever did-over the prospective
( visit Of our mother-in-law, for the
/ simple reason that all of US that have
/ got the sense we were born with have
/ found out that mothers-in-law, taking
/ them as a class and in large, are a
/ mighty fine institution. and that they
| take our end of il against their
/ daughters, our wives, in about four
/ cases out Of five. The sitting-Up- with
/ a-sick-friend fUnnyism always was
I more or less of a stretched affair, for
/ the reason that not one man in mill
! lion ever sits up with a sick friend
I there are always kindly, ministering
women folks, God bless 'em, around to
sit up with the poor chaps that are
sick
These are only a few Of the shriv-
/ eled jokes that have served their little
/ turn and that should now be forever
: folded away or thrown on the dump.
| Another Of these Out-worn jokes, and
/ the one that started me off on this lit
J. ?
/ which derides the culinary perform
/ ances Of the young woman who has
/ taken course Of training at a cook
/ ing school. I can't say outright that
/ that joke always was based on a mis-
! apprehension or something worse, for
my own knowledge of the results of a
/ OOOking school training has only been
I derived within the past couple of
/ years, but In opinion that joke was an
/ utterly groundless and foolish affair
/ from the beginning
I've got q couple Of grown daugh-
/ tiers that took their little course to-
/ gether at q cooking school, and those
girls take turns in getting their dad S
/ dinner for him-their mother has
/ dropped out Of the running altogether,
/ being a wise woman and perfectly able
/ to perceive how completely outclassed
/ she is by her girls in the cooking bust
/ ness. Well. the dishes that those girls
! frame up for these dinners are about
/ as fine I'd be willing to gamble. as
anything fashioned and contrived in
culinary line this side of DelmOnicO's.
/ If I got any better things to eat than
/ those girls. with their cooking school
/ training. set before me, wouldn't be
; able 20 stand IL. Long years ago I used
e
/ as most fellows do. and then. when I
/ got married and broke my wife in 70
my little kinks in the eating line I
/ gradually grew to believe-again, like
/ most fellOWS-that my wife had the
. whole skirted world beat to death
/ when il came to cooking and serving
! the right kind of food. But when these
two girls Of mine got through with
/ their cooking lessons and began to put
/ the results Of their culinary education
in front OF me. 1 had TO put up both
hands and declare to myself that I'd
/ really never tasted anything good to
eat until they'd cooked il for me-
I used to plume myself upon the
fact that ] was old-fashioned enough
TO care for only the kind of table fare
/ that is called plain and substantial.
but if I had TO eat that species Of food
/ now 1 think I'd be about the sOrest in
dividual in the District Of Columbia
I The fancier those girls put the stuff
before me now the better their old dad
likes It. And they don't give me any
thing indigestible or calculated to set
me UP with the govt. either Their
Z culinary devices are all founded upon
hygienic principles. and now I Otter
wonder how 1 ever got away with the
plain and substantial food without
dying of dyspepsia. They often SET
things before me that / don't know the
meaning of at aIl-that is, I've no ides
as 10 their composition or groundwork
but these things are all bully to eat
all the same. and as long as that's tht
case it's not my business to ask any
questions.
That's why I say that the musty
and probably neVer-Was- true cooking
school Joke should be cOrked up and
put away on the topmOst and dusties
shelf alongside Of the rest Of the frayeC
| and frazzled humorous remnants tina
broke into the new century by mis-
t take"