The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-04-19
HUMOROUS

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Counsel for the defendant (sarcastical-
lly)-''You're a nice fellow, aren't your
Witness for the plaintiff (cordialIy)-"I
am, sir, and if i We're not on my oath
I'd say the same of you'-Tit-Bits.
! Mistress-''Do you know, Carter. that 1
can actually write my name in the dust
on the tablet Carter Faith, mum,
that's more than 1 can do. Sure there S
nothing like education, after all!"-Punch
| Beggars can't be choosers: Aunt
Amandy-"H ain't yew ashamed ter KUN
around here beggin?" Onniz Way
| "Well. dis amt VERY 'risterkratic
neighborhood, fer a fact, but we mustn't
be too pertickler, Chicago News.
An Arkansas man once wrote to inquire
the price of a saw-mill that would saw
all the various ways that he wanted it
to saw. When he learned by return mail
that such a mill woSd cost him $1,000 he
$1,000, what in thunder would he want of
a Saw-mill?"
Yes" said the old DOCTOR you should
try to have your own carriage, by all
means Because when you want to get
ed the young NJ. D., Il don't think any
patient who sent for me would be likely
to die before / reached him.. No; but
he might recover before you got there
Philadelphia Press.
Mrs. Strongmnd-''As the editor of
great newspaper and leader of public
opinion, I hope you take some interest in
the subject of the emancipation of
woman" Great Editor with enthusi-
asm)-"Indeed, do, madam. have just
this moment finished a two column article
filed with anathemas against tight lacing
and heavy skirtS'-New York Weekly.
Fifth round-Senator McLaurin led with
his left, but fell short. Senator Tillrnan
hooked with his right on the jaw, and
followed this with short-arm jolt on the
solar plexus McLaurin went down and
took the count. The President of the
Senate here interfered and declared the
bout draw and all bets off. Senatorial
dignity was thus fully maintained.-St.
Louis Globe Democrat
i IS recorded that Innocent the Fourth
ar ZONES Aquinas We're standing to-
gefHt- as ti'e bags of treasure We're be-
ing carried in through the gates of the
Lateran. You see" observed the Pope,
with a smile, the day is past when the
church could say, Silver and gold have 1
none" Yes, holy father" was the
saints reply, ''and the day is past also
when the church could say to the lame
man, Rise and walk 4"
That women are incapable of mastering
the Chinese language was a statement |
made by Herbert A. Giles, professor of |
Chinese at Cambridge University, En- |
gland, in an address at Columbia and |
more than half the audience was COM |
posed of women. This proved rather |
some of Professor |
Giles remarks were not exactly compli- |
mentary. He said for example, that the |
Chinese symbol for treschery is woman.
Delegate Rodey. of New Mexico. has |
a constituent who went to Florida to |
spend some of the money he had made in |
a fortunate mining investment. A few /
days ago Mr.. Rodey received a letter /
from his friend. The magnificent ap-
pointments of the hotel at ST Augustine /
pleased the New Mexican nightly, but |
ne was particularly impressed with the |
elegance of the bath room, which con-
-ained tub of polished marble. at |
looks so fine,'' said the New Mexican,
that I can hardly wait for Saturday
night"
Walter Dean, Sr., once hired an artist
o paint his portrait. with the stipulation
hat the picture would not be accepted
md paid for unless it looked like him. |
elf. When the portrait was completed
t was sent to Mr.. Dean, who did not rec
'gnize himself, and absolutely refused to |
'ay the painter The painter sued, and
Toe Strong, the artist, was called in to
give an expert opinion. "You see the
'ortrait of Mr.. Dean?" the lawyer asked
No. said Mr. Strong, 81 do not"
There it isl said the lawyer, pointing
o the big canvas. Il don't call that a
portrait; call that map of Mr.. Dean
aid Mr.. Strong.
One of Secretary Saws stories was re-
eated~in the cloak rooms yesterday 1t |
ught to be printed Immediately or else |
ONE one will be claiming the credit of it,
"A friend of mine" said Gov Shaw
gave dinner once to some rural gen {
lemen from Iowa. He furnished them
he best Of everything, terrapin and
anvas-back duck. The climax of the ,
east was watermelon into which had |
cen emptied two quarts of champagne.
When the farmers began to eat the wa
ermelon they smiled and smacked their
ps and ate again Then, of one accord, |
hey slipped into their pockets a handful
f the seeds. They warfted to raise some
the same kind of melon on their own
arms"