Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1902-06-12
TALES OF !
THE TOWN.s

A woman once asked me whether
or not love is not intoxicatingP l
would have preferred to have her
answer that question for herself. for
/ have had no experience in that line.
I suppose she expected me to under
take a series of highly interesting ex-
periments in order to obtain for her
the required information. But think
of it! Suppose in one of my expert
ments find that love is an intoxicant
and that Marshal Budworth hauled
me in while overcharged with the
tender passion. How does she sup
pose | could make any justice
believe I was full of love Ind not of
prohibition booze? And then it would
incapacitate me for my business as a
reporter. / would fall in love to see
whether it would 60 to my head but
IN so doing the object of my affection
might marry me before | recovered
my mental balance and waking up l
might find myself minus my liberty
and perchance few hairs, of which l
have none too many to lose, all of
which would be very hard on the
lady. No; could not do it. | have
tempered with almost every known
intoxicant from jackass brandy to
drugstore bust-head. but must draw
the line at love. However, il hear
say evidence is admissible in this case
I am willing to testify.
To the best of my knowledge and
belief love. the real article you know,
will pick man up quicker and let
him down harder than the best SO
proof in the market 1t is pleasant
to the palate but in the end it bites
the tongue like cheap tobacco. It's
worst feature is that it lies in wait
for the young and unwary and catches
it's victim before he is alive to the
danger. Gaze upon the young blood
going forth in the evening in his pat
ent feathers. His hair is combed
down into his eyes, his necktie out
shines the very stars and his coat
tails bulge with caramels. His hand
kerchief is perfumed like bower of
roses and he has been eating sen sen
for twelve hours to kill the smell of
Bull Durham. He knows that he
will sip the nectar of love, but he will
not become intoxicated, for, says he:
II know when to choke off,
Now gaze upon the lady. An inno-
cent damsel, soft, alluring eyes. lips
like unto ripe cherry, red with it's
own sweetness, voice with the mel
ody of Orpheus' harp. And when
the young man has come and settled
himself comfortably in convenient
rocker built for two, they proceed to
an ecstatic yum-yum, much too sweet
for steady bill of fare, while he
wraps his manly arms about her
lovely diaphragm like boa-constrict-
or encircling a yearling calf. And
behold, when the gay sutton staggers
down the door step Of her fathers
house he does not know whether he
is hiking to the Klondike or bestrid-
ing an ill-tempered mustang in
Arizona.
And how about the grip Well,
usually she lets him down easy and
sends him an invitation to her we'd
ding with some one who had the long
green and whom her mother had
roped in for her long ago, whereupon
the young man has case of matri-
monial katzenjammer and swears
never to imbibe again. But here love
is like absinthe. He who has once
contracted the habit of being in love
is beyond human aid.
Kind reader, do you think love
would intoxicate? Rather. Here is
more argument. When a man is
drunk he observes strange varieties
of serpents. That's what allied Adam
and Eve. They continued spooning
until they had the jim and saw
q snake prancing about with legs like
a ballet dancer. I presume this is
true, for the snake was condemned to