davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01
ENGLISH oRTI-sENEss

Two Fnolishmen Were discussing with
Mark Twain the old tonic of American
humor as not appreciated bv foreigners.
But are the ENGLISH really so OBJ
tuse?" asked one of them.
"Ohtusel You can't get an idea into an
Fnelshmsns head with surgical opera
ton" declared Mark Twain.
The questioner remained in solemn
thought for moment. Then he broke
into hearty laugh.
"Ouite a delicious iokei'' he exclaimed.
"Thoueh. of course if YOU were to omen
the Enelishman's skull you would kill
him. would YOU nOt?"
Mark Twa'n turned to the second Eng
lishman. What did 7 tell Won? He wants
to Irnow whether it wouldn't kill him.
The countenance of the second Fug-
lishman was like blank wall. Wouldn't
it?' he queried.-New York Times.
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01
WOMAN CRUELTY DECEIVED.

Not long ago. relates the Kansas City
Journal. the wife of d western Kansas
politician asked him to Law aside politics
in the garden. He agreed to do it. After
digging for a few minutes he went into
he house and said he had found coin
He washed it off and it proved to be a
silver quarter He put it in his jeans and
went back to work. Presently he went
to the house again and said he had found
another coin. He washed the dirt off of
it. Ii was a silver half-dollar. He put
it in mis- jeans. II have worked pretty
hard said he to his wife II guess I'll
take short nan" When he awoke he
found that his wife had dug all the rest
of the potatoes. But she found no coins.
1t then dawned upon her that she had
been worked"
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01

Lord Kitchener, though he be devoid
of truth is not without a saving touch
Of humor. if an English correspondent
may be believed. The generalissimo
mas been much worried, it appears, by
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01
BLOOD crRDLING NAMES.

London newspaper once pointed out
in all seriousness some time back thai
the natural savagery" of the Irish peas
antry in their struggle for home rule
might be due to the observation-disclosures OF
the names of their towns and country
districts Many Of these places are named
XII something or another-"Kil' in
Irish meaning church-such as Killarney.
Killoloe, Kildare, Kilkenny Kilrush and
Kilruddery.
This recalls the story of an Englishma n
who went over to Ireland to assist an old
college chum who was standing in the
Unionist interest for a constituency in the
south of ireland. and who. in his ignor-
ance of this geographical nomenclature.
was considerably startled on hearing at a
railway station the following converse
ton between two Withholding PEASANTS
I'm just afther bein' over to kilpat-
rick" said one.
IAN L. replied the other, IAN afther
bein' over to Kilmary.
What murderers they are" thought
the Englishman. And to think they talk
of their assassinations so publicly!i
''And where are you goin' now, Jim?
asked assassin No. l.
I'm goin' home to Fillmore" was No.
Is reply.
The Englishman's blood curdled.
Fillmore. is it?" said the other. 'FaiX,
you'd bether be comm wild me to Kill
umauie."
The story goes that the frightened Eng
lishman went no farther on his journey.
He waited at the station for the next
train back to Dublin. and returned to
England by the first boat
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01

Every rich man will tell you that u
Is not the art of making money Dut
the art of keeping it, that makes
man prosperous.
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01
THAT REMINDS ME-.

SENATOR HOAR'S HUMOROUS SALLY
Some really amusing things do happen
in congress, and originate frequently from
unexpected quarters. Many or them are
never generally reported IN lne pap.
and would not be ChrOniCied at all but TOR
the work of some observing special cor
respondent who jots the incident down tor
the benefit of the readers of the paper ne
represents One of these occurrences was
a spirited and amusing tilt between two
of the oldest and most dignifed members
of the senate, and it served greatly TO
relieve the tedium of dull session or
prosy debate and routine business. sen
ator Platt of Connecticut delivered a
spread-eagle speech ON the destiny OF the
people of the western hemisphere and
incidentally took occasion TO make TINS
remark about Senator Hoar of Massa-
chusetts:
IN the sneers which the senator from
Massachusetts has seen fit to indulge IN
with reference to this most patrloG ~:
benefcent work in the Philippine islands
he refers. with his usual inaccuracy, to
a statute
Senator Hoar patiently waited until
Senator Plat had finished, and then, haiI
apologizing for OBTAINING the senate at
such late hour. remarked:
The senator from Connecticut is en-
PERTAINING us with feeble plaIfIudeS on
the destiny of this nation when the Ftll-
pino babes are crying out for Mrs. Platts
soothing syrup.
A burst of laughter from the galleries.
in which the senators joined. interrupted
Mr.. Hoar. Senator Platt. usually slow
and solemn in his movements. jumped to
his feet as if impelled by d spring and
cried out he objected.
II apologize to the senator from Con-
necticut,' said Mr.. Hoar chuckIng. Il
apologize, because | believe I should have
said Mrs Winslow's soothing syrup.
There was still more laughter, and Sen
ator Plat sat down. looking very angry.
Half an hour later, when a motion 10
had been carried. Senator Plate
was seen shaking a long, threatening
finger at Senator Hoar, and the aged
statesman from Massac husettS was hearl
to say in his cracked. penetrating voice:
ooh, forget that Plat. | have apollo
gized. and 1 still apologize and asservate
that L did not mean Mrs. Platt's soothing
syrup Boise Capital News.
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01

The other day some of the Catholic
members Ct parliament voted in favor Of
the Deceased Wife's Sister Bill" which
makes 1t allowable for widower to
marry his wife's sister, in defiance of the
Ole Church, which places such unions nm
der the ban The measure has long been
pending and has already met more than
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01
GARD FROM BIsFoP sCANLAN.

Bishop OF Salt Lake.
Salt Lake CITY. Oct. 9 1902
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01

The statement that the Mormons are
finding many converts in Denmark con-
firms belief that Joseph Smiths Saincs
have excellent judgment in choosing fields
of operation. They would rather assail
a Christian Endeavor society than at
tempt Catholic country.-Union and
Times.
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01

His Eminence, Cardinal Martinelli
commends the work of the Society for
the Preserva ton of the Faith Among
Indian Children, as appears from the
subjoined letter:
The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1902-03-01

Congressman Wheeler of Kentucky 'let
loose in the house last week on Paunce-
fote, Hay and Prince Henry. The first
two points were well taken, for both
Pauncefote and Hay are a disgrace to
manly diplomacy, but why should the
Kentucky man have assailed Henry of
Hohenzollern? The young man comes
here to put Pauncefote and Hays nasal
organs out of joint. Kentucky Wheeler
can only tolerate scions OF the house of
Bourbon, and even then he may 90
little a-rye.-Chicago Citizen.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1902-04-17

coop left to mark the site Of the pres
ent town Of Concord
I'll CO., said Guy.
4 thought you would" returned the
Colonel, approvingly. ''There's
freight down at $3.50. Take that"
Copy. C-o-p-y!'' bawled a voice
through hole in the partition.
The Colonel made dive for the pa
per weight and the red-headed printer
vanished in flash. r.. .4r..>..... -
"l'll have to grind out some stuff for
that rascal, or he'll drive me crazy!"
exclaimed the Colonel tossing his
hands. .
'Then I won't bother you any long
err" said Guy.
you'll have to be discreet" went on
the Colonel, following the young man
to the door. Don't let those Harmony
| chaps get an inkling as to who you are,
or what you're there for. that's all.
Keep your plans to yourself and don't
talk about them to any one in this
place. There's a bad leak in this COM
munity somewhere, and more than one
choice plan of mine has foated out of
it and drifted over to the enemy.
Sharp's the word and I shall expect
goodreport from you in the morning."
The Colonel gave the young mans
hand parting grip, closed the door on
him and then seated himself before his
desk and resumed his scratching.
"He's clay in my hands, soliloquized
hi hal r
please with him, and can make or mar
the future of this whichever is
the. more profta ble."
Out in the workroom the red-headed
printer had been doing some peculiar
things. The moment Guy had left he
had thrust the brush end of a broom
out through the open wind ow; then, on
the reverse side of an old piece of copy,
he had written the following:
Guy Herbert, son of the late Mont
fort Herbert, arrived in Concord at
noon and at this hour-two p. m.-has
just left the old man. He's going over
to the town meeting tonight to get
some pointers. Watch out for him.
He's about twenty-five or three, five
feet eleven or possibly six feet tall,
dark hair and mustache, and looks as
though he was built for business
That was all. The printer neither ad-
dressed the ote nor signed it, and the
moment he finished writing the last
word soft tap fell on the back door.
The printer made haste to answer
the knock. A man stood outside at the
head of the rear stairway-a strapping
big fellow with his trousers tucked in
his boot tops. He and the printer ex-
changed winks as the scrap of paper
was handed over. Then the big fellow
noiselessly descended and the printer
noiselessly closed the door and re-
moved the broom from the window.
That "leak'' was through the stove
pipe hole in the Blizzard office.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1902-04-17

ner, his thin lips COMPRISING and his
eyes cleaning through his glasses.
We'll fool 'em if they try it on, I can
tell you. I've only to pull this rope"
he laid his hand on a rope that dan
gled through a hole in the ceiling
land a bell on the roof III ring out
warning and bring every citizen to the
new courthouse" =
And every citizen will bring a gum"
snapped Waffle.
"And use it if necessary" Numbered
McQuilkin.
coming from the fairly peaceable
confines of Chicago this warlike Ian
|'guage filled Guy with considerable ap-
prehension. 1t likewise gave him re-
alizing sense of the danger of the mis-
sion he was about to undertake. If the
Harmony people were aroused in a
similar degree, to be discovered tax
ing notes at their town meeting would
mean-Guy refrained from following
out this train of thought. He did not
care to anticipate the disaster which
would probably befall him in case of
discovery. Truth to tell, this work
was being entered upon against the
counsel of his honor. In love and war.
however, all means are supposed to be
fair and he was endeavoring to apply
that principle to the present case.
Nevertheless he was troubled.
The 6:30 o'clock freight had few
cases of merchandise for Concord and
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1902-04-17
His Friend, The Enemy
BY WILLIAM WALLACE COOK,
Author "Rosers 'The Spur Necessity
"r1r. FIT, Astrologer," etc.
Copyright. 1901, by the s. 8. Mcclure Col

II do not wish to subscribe, colonel,
but came on other BUSINESS
The colonel looked disappointed;
nevertheless he waved his hand hos
pltably toward a chair.
Very we'll, sir, what can do for
you?" ...
my name is Herbert, Guy Herbert -
answered the young man. The other
acknowledged receipt of the informa-
ton with nod. "You were the man
ager of the Townsite Company, were
you not?''
"Were!" cried the Colonel. II am, sir
at the present moment" :
Three men owned the TOWNSHIP
continued Guy; "Mr. Harlow Briggs,
president of the II. G.. &Y. railroad;
Mr.. Edward Thomas, lumber dealer
in St. Paul, and Mr.. Montford Herbert.
Mr.. Briggs and Mr.. Thomas sold out to
Mr.. Herbert, and Mr.. Herbert-' the
young mans voice trembled-"d ied
two months ago."
"You don't tell mel" calculated the
Colonel. "Of course I know all about
the company; in fact, am on IA
miliar terms with Briggs and Thomas
and both knew and admired-ad-
mired, I say, sir-Mr. Montford
Herbert" The Colonel settled back
in his chair and shook his head sad
ly. "And so Herbert is gone," he
murmured. ''This news comes with
appalling suddenness.''
'Mr. Montfort HERBERT resumed
Guy, "was my father"
"Your father!" The Colonel strug-
gled to his feet, rushed upon Guy
and wrenched his hand powerfully
my dear boy, this would be happy
moment for me were you not the
bearer of such sorrowful news" The
Colonel dropped Guys hand, reached
behind him to the tails of his coat
and brought forth large bandanna
handkerchief. Applying this to his
eyes, he. proceeded to pace the mar
row confines of the sanctum while
rallying from the blow.
Guy was surprised at this mani.
festation of feeling. He was aware
that his father had known Col. Keev-
er we'll; so well that, having acquired
entire charge of the town, he was
on the point of dispensing with the
managers services at the time his
last illness came upon him.
Hating under the stovepipe hole
the Colonel recovered the paper
weight, again seated himself and
laid both paper weight and handker.
chief on the desk beside him.
''As Mr.. Briggs and Mr.. Thomas
sold out to my father,'' observed
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1902-04-17

Guy, land since I am my fathers
sole heir, it naturally follows that
+" Guy hesitated.
1T naturally follows that you own
the town." finished the colonel. "A
princely inheritance, my boy"
do you think SOP" queried Guy,
hopefully.
Il do, providing we can keep the
county seat.>
"Then I hope Concord will be able
to keep it" returned Guy, fervently.
aside from a few hundred dollars.
this town is all my father left me.
The Colonel's face heightened. Guy
observed this and augured direfully.
"What's the matter with the coun-
ty seat?" he asked. II understood
that Concord had it hard and fast.''
County seats, my boy, are peculiar
institutions. In this country it takes
county seat to make a town; con-
sequently, every settlement in coun-
ty that has been able to euchre the
government out Of a post Office feels
in duty bound to step in and try for
it. You are familiar, suppose, with
the fight we have had up here?"
II know that the town of HARMONY
was beaten at the polls a year or
more ago. I thought that settled
the question:
1T should have settled the cues.
ton, but it didn't. Harmony is like
Banquo's ghost, and wont down. Do
you know what the Harmonyites, un.
der the leadership of that, arch con-
spirator, Wilbur Vlandingham, have
done?'
mo"
"Well, I'll tell you. Two-thirds OF
the qualified voters of Goodwill coun-
ty have signed and presented petit,
ton to the county commissioners,
praying that the county seat be re.
moved to Harmony, and the commits.
sioners have ordered a special cleo.
ton to~be held for the purpose OF
voting upon the question. This,
mind you, is in direct violation OF
the law!" The Colonel brought his
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1902-04-17
CHAPTER II,
IN THE HOSTILE CAMP.

IN THE HOSTILE CAMP.
Guy had four hours and half at his
disposal before the freight train left
| Concord, and he made up his mind that
he would put in the time looking over
the town. Before descending the de-
crepit stairs leading from the Blizzard
office, he fingered at the top to scan
the three points of the compass that
lay open to him. AS the building occu-
pied by the newspaper was we'll at the
| foot of the main thoroughfare, nearly
| the whole of Concord lay under the
young mans eye.
Certainly no eulogies were to be
wasted upon that collection of houses
and stores. The principal street had
roads debouching to left and right.
Buildings were not huddled together;
on the contrary, they were far apart,
with stretches of virgin prairie be-
tween them. 1t had been the policy of
the Townsite company to donate a lot
in each block in the residence portion
to any one who would build a house
upon it. For this reason. nearly every
dwelling had a block to itself.
Main street began at the Northern
Pacific depot and ran south for half a
mile beyond the Blizzard building, the
latter closing up the ragged file of
store structures. Just south of the
| depot was huge, barn-like hotel. The
hotel, be it. observed, always formed
the nucleus of the "boom" town.
Across from the hotel was the office of
real estate agent; south of that, on
the same side, was building erected
by the Townsite company for bank;
then there was drug store and then
Mr.. Ben amin Glimmer's Emporium,
and then livery sta BILE, the latter al
most opposite the Blizzard building
Between the latter and the hotel was
the new courthouse.
AS Guy gave further attention to
the courthouse he saw something
which had before escaped him, namely,
a weather vane. This vane was cut
into the profile of mans head, hand
before the face, thumb to the nose and
digits outspread. The head looked
steadily and insolently westward and
refused to move with the northwest
wind. Guys anger arose at the sight.
He had no idea what such a vane might
mean, but he would tolerate nothing
of that kind in his town. That vane
was to come down in a very short time,
even if he had to remove it himself
Descending the stairs he went over
to the Emporium and introduced him
self to the proprietor. Mr.. Glimmer
was slender man of sallow complex
ion and looked at the world through
iron-framed spectacles. He was glad
to meet Guy and presented him to sew
era1 citizens; among others, Elisha
McQuilkin, the postmaster, Lemuel
Bilkins, youth of harmless aspect,
whose abnormally long and spider-like
legs were the standing joke of the
town; Christopher Waffle, justice of
the peace and proprietor of thresh-
ing outfit, and Bill Comfort, who oper-
ated Judge Wafae's engine. CONVEX
sation with these gentlemen revealed
such depth of luminosity and bitter
ness over the county-seat. question.
that Guy was surprised.
"The Harmony folks have threat
ened to come down on us like Assyri-
ans on the fold and run off with the
county records observed Mr. Glim-
The Hawaiian gazette., 1902-06-06

r. A. SCHAEFER & CO.-Importe,
and Commission Merchants. Honolu
lu. Hawaiian Islands.
The Hawaiian gazette., 1902-06-06
FITNESS AND AVAILABILITY.

IL In one of the defects y popular
government that the question of htness
in n candidate for Office Is not regard
ed SO closely by nominating bodies as
the question of availability. When
given mans name is mentioned FOR a
high elective post the first interrogation
In: "Can he carry this or that dis
stnct?" The proper query would De:
Gould he make good showing In the
Office he seeks?" but this Is not heard
save among the flnical II not grabbed
few who look upon politics, not as an
end, but as a means to an end. Every
thing centers on the carrying capacity
Of the Individual. not upon his talent
his industry, his sense of honor, his
eloQuence. his skill or his strength In
IRE handling OF public questions.
Il gives one a shock to find so uni
versal an acceptance OF this rule In the
United States, particularly in the franz
ing OF legislative and Congressional
tickets Now II there is any business
which calls for the trained and inform
ed mind the honest heart and the
broad view, il is the business of franz
ing laws. The science of government
il no less a science than that of astron-
envy. Its sphere embraces law, philos-
sphy, social ethics, history and consti-
tutional forms; yet II the popular gro
ger or drover or man about-town hap
pens to want a seat In even our great
est deliberative public body, no one
pAsses him to look for the thoroughly
equipped citizen who has had too much
use for his time to waste any OF 1t in
sultivating the good will of the voters.
OF course II is inevitable, for II the
competent man cannot be elected 1t
would be useless to nominate him. But,
as we say, the fact that we have to go
on politically crowding square pegs into
round holes, is distinct reflection upon
our form of government, placing 1t at
a disadvantage with enlightened mon
arches where the ruler makes 1t part
of his business to find the strongest
men for the highest posts and to con-
fer no responsibility upon those who
are not qualified to bear II.
The Hawaiian gazette., 1902-06-06
(From Thursdays Daily)

Miss II. James has been appointed
stanographer in the Circuit Court TO
succeed Miss Pauline Neumann.
The hearing of the swipes sellers has
beer set for Friday afternoon before
Commissioner Robinson. The bail in
each case has been fixed at $1,000. Two
of the defendants are women.
A meeting will be called of the St.
Louis Exposition committee as soon as
Acting Governor Cooper hears from the
other islands. A meeting to select com
mitteemen was scheduled to be held
IN Hilo yesterday.
Dr. and Mrs. John S. McGrew an
noUnce the marriage of their niece,
Maude Mary Gillet, to Mr. Archibald
Alfred Young. to take place at half
past eight o'clock on the evening OF
June Is, 1902, at St. Andrews cathedral
While Mr.. and Mrs. Charles Lucas
We're riding on Beretania street in a
buggy, a Portuguese who was driving
a surrey ran into their vehicle, taking
off hind wheel. The Portuguese was
racing with another driver at the time
OF the accident. No one was hurt.
Ernest N Smith of Honolulu was one
If the four debaters chosen from the
600 students of the Brooklyn Polytech-
mic to meet team from Pratt Institute
III pubic discussion OF the IniheSe
question. The Polytechnic debaters
won. The Brooklyn Times speaks OF
the telling effect of young Smiths
speech which was wholly eXtempore.
An iron gateway is being placed be-
tween the new and the old Hackfeld
buildings, facing on Queen street. The
two iron pillars are of fine design,
and the grill work overhead connecting
them bears the name of the firm. Two
bronze discs covering the locks and
bolts give the gates n fine finish. On
one are the figures "49' and on the 9TH
er"99."
The Hawaiian gazette., 1902-06-06
JUDICIAL SPENDTnRIFT TRUST.

Though the Circuit judges have de-
cided to sit one at time, they seem
disposed to employ the full sets of
court officers provided for them when
they were on the bench simultaneously.
Between them they have three clerks,
three stenographers, three bailiffs and
two Hawaiian interpreters, costly and
cumbersome body. Though the public
gets the benefit of but one court the
judges compel the taxpayers to support
the paraphernalia of three courts, some
of which paraphernalia, as common
gossip says. is worse than useless.
1t is lucky for the courts under these
circumstances, that they control the
grand jury system. But for that the
spirit of public investigation which two
of the judges have prompted, would
soon be felt in the atmosphere of the
circuit bench. The grand jury has usu-
ally in its quests, found false scent;
but If it were to look into the First
Circuit court, summing up its eXtrava-
gances and worse, there would develop
a scandal worth ventilating.
What makes the judicial spendthrft
trust the more objectionable is that the
times are hard, the treasury impover-
ished and taxes are oppressive.