Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1902-03-06

| house before he has actually served
seventy-five days. Yet that is precisely
what Hon. T. J. Selby of Illinois has
done. Nevertheless, he is one of the
most modest and unassuming men in
congress, ''plain as an old SHOE" honest
as the day is long, a Jeffersonian Dem
ocrat without the shadow of turning.
While the urgent deficiency bill was
under discussion he delivered a strong,
classical speech on the Philippine prob
! lem, which attracted favorable atten-
ton to Mr.. Selby as one of the most
promising among the new members. 1t
would make dandy campaign docu-
ment. 1t is already being circulated by
senators and representatives.
| On the oleomargarine bill he deliver
ed himself of the finest piece of humor
heard in the house this session. l wish
l had room for it all, but l have space
for only the following rich and racy ex-
tract:
Mr.. Chairman-I desire to say a few
words on this greasy subject. 1 am a
friend to the COW. / am friend to the
woman that milks the COW. l am a friend
to the man who stands by and watches
his wife while she milks the COW, for is
she not his helpmeet? 1 love to see the
woman churn the foaming cream until
the butter cometh. l love the nice fresh
buttermilk and love to see the busy house
wife Wallop the butter about in her hands
into shapely rolls. love to see the butter
come, and then love to make the butter
| fly.
Memory goes back to the happy times
! when the cows came home and to the
| h9nnv w tn Ike
| them come home. Any man who has been
| raised with a COW will never lose his
friendship for her nor go back upon her
| nor upon her back when adversely strikes
| her business.
The gentleman from Virginia [Mr.
Lamb paid the Virginia COW beautiful
and eloquent tribute, but let me say to
| him that the Virginia COW cannot be
| compared with the big fat cows of the
| Mississippi valley and beyond. l am well
| aware that Virginia is entitled to the
| proud distinction of having been the
'mother of presidents, but she was not
| the mother of the COW. The Mississippi
| valley COW is marvel of wonder and the
| pride of every home. She never goes dry.
| 1t generally takes an hour to milk her,
| and if she is not MIXED on time she will
milk herself. She is kind and gentle and
| has such maternal affection that she often
| licks the mixer instead of her calf.
! 1 have the honor, sir, to live in the land
| of the blooming COW. If l fail to vote for
| this BILL shall feel that cannot go home
| and ever again look an honest cow in the
| face. The cows in my country are Dem
ocratic cows. They give Democratic milk,
| which accounts for the everlasting big
Democratic majorties in my district.
| They never water their milk nor kick
the bucket over in a fashion that causes
the milkmaid to say, "Durn it!'' nor the
millxman to swear. They are honest, inno-
| 11,ok ~
tricks of We cunning dairyman or of the
slippery ways of we oleo man. They are
not yet aware, sir, that there is such a
thing as oleo in any part of their anatomy.
Why, sir, even our hogs have not learned
that their greasy in ards contribute to the
greedy work of building up a great anti
cow butter monopoly If the peaceful
hog knew it, he would grunt in shame.
The COW in my country lives in Acadian
simplicity. She dweleth amid green pas
lures and looketh obviously at the Repub-
fcan politician as he passeth by on his
mission to hoodoo the honest voter
Fro1icsome calves gallop about with tails
erect rejoicing in the fulness of demo-
cratic freedom that is theirs. The COW is
contented and happy out in my district in
her benevolent work of giving milk for
young Democrats. Little does this patient
COW know that the honest product of her
toll is being counterfeited so successfully
by cunning men that the butter eater
knoWeth not any more what he eateth
when he buttereth his bread. Little does
| the lazy hog know that a substance called
| butter contains "a per cent of his grease
| in'ards, to say nothing of hair in the
| butter from other sources. And our hon
| est cow-what would she do. how would
! she feel if she knew that the ingenious
| Yankee when she should die on call or
| violently would use 27 per cent of her
ta1low and mix it up into mess with
| hog fat and cottonseed grease and palm
| it off on mankind for honest butter? Her
grief would become so intense that her
| milk would turn to water.