davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
OLD JOE, THE NIGHT wAToHmAn

OLD JOE, THE NIGHT WATCHMAN
(F'rom the Pail Mall Gazette, London.)
How often on returning home late
On . dreary winters night has our
sympathy gone out to the poor old
night-watchman as he sat huddled up
ovor his cage Ere. overlooking the OK
cavations which our city council in
their wisdom or otherwise. allow the
different water companies to make so
frequently in eur congested streets.
In all weathers and under all climatic
conditions. the poor old nisht-watch-
man IL Obliged to keep watch over the
companies property, and to see that
the rod lights are kept burning. What
q life. to be sure: what privatiens and
hardships; No wonder they have aches
and pains. which nothing but st. ia
cob's Oil can alleviate.
"old Jee" is in the employ Of the
Lambeth Water Works, and is well
and favorably known. He has been q
night-watchnan for many years. IL
the course Of which he has undergone
many experiences. What with wet and
cold, he contracted rheumatism and sci
ntica, which fairly doubled him up, and
1t began to look serious matter for old
Joe whether he would much longer be
able to perform his duties, ON which
his good wife and himself depended
for livelihood; but as it happened. a
passerby. who had for some nights no.
ticed Old Joe's painful condition. pre-
sented him with = bottle of st. Jacobs
Oil, and told him to use it. Old Joe
followed the advice given; he crawled
homo the next morning and bade his
wife rub his aching back with tho St.
Jacobs OIL "a gentleman gave him."
and undoubtedly his wife did rub, for
when old Joe went on duty at night he
met his friend and benefactor. to
whom he remarked: Them Oils you
gave me. Guv'nor did give ne a doing;
they was like pins and needles for a
time. but look at me now" and old
Joe began to run and jump about like a
young colt. All pain. stiffness and
soreness had gone: he had been tell
Ing everybody he met what st. Jacobs
Oil had done for him. Old Joe says
now he has but one ambition in life.
and that is to always to be able to
keep a bottle of St. Jacobs Oil by him
for he says there is nothing like it in
the world.
st. Jacobs OIL serves the rich and
the poor. high and low the same way.
It has conquered pain for fifty years.
and 1t will do the same to the end of
time. 1t has no equal. consequently
no competitor; 1t has many cheap imi-
tations. but simple facts like the above
tell an honest tale with which moth
ing on earth can compete.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
A Heretie.

THAT man is a driveling idiot" said
the trust magnate.
"a plumb fool agreed the coal
baron.
AN unmitigated lunatic," assented
the steel king.
Crazy as March hare" asservated
the great flnancier.
"A hopeless imbecile." asserted the
power in Wall street.
Absolutely and utterly devoid of
sense" chimed in the Senator
LAS brainless as barrel" added the
corporation lawyer.
But what has he done?" asked the
ordinary citizen.
The crowd was convulsed with
laughter.
why, he says" they replied, chok
ing and gurgling. ''he actually says
that money isn't everything"
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

There Is more Catarrh in this section of tho
country than all other diseases put together,
and until the last few years was supposed to be
incurable. For great many years doctors pro-
nounced 1t u local disease, and prescribed local
with local treatment. pronounced 1t incurable.
Science has proven catarrh to be constitu-
tutional treatment Halls Catarrh Cure. man.
ufactured by f. J. Cheney & Co.. Toledo. Ohio.
Is the only constitutional cure on the market
teaspoonful 1t acts directly upon the blood
and mucous surfaces of the system. They offer
ono hundred dollars for any case 1t fails to cure
Send for circulars and testimonials. Address
F. j. CHENEY & CO., Toledo Ohio.
Sold by Druggists, 75c.
Halls Family Pills are the best
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29


Lydia e. Pinkham's vege-
table Compound cured me and made
mo well, and that is why l 81 ~
write you this, and gladly thank
six bottles was all took, togethsr
with your Pills. Ny headache and
backache and kidney trouble went,
never to return the burning sensation
l had left altogether; my general
health was so improved felt as young
and light and happy as at twenty"
-MRs. LOUISE GIBson. 4s13 Langley
Ave-, Chicago, Ill.-S6ooo forfeit " aboos
tsstImonfai Is not genuine.
II yeu feel that there is anything at
all unusual or puzzling about your
case. or If you wish confidential advice
of the most experienced, write to Mrs.
Pinkham, Lynn, Mass, and you will
be advised free of charge. Lydia T..
Pinkham's Vegetable Compound
has cured and is curing thousands OF
cases of female trouble.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
Joke Didn't Work,

"Robson. do you know why you are
like n donliey?"
Like a donkeyy" echoed Robson,
opening his eyes wide. II don't"
because your better half is stub
bornness itself"
The jest pleased Robson immensely.
for he at once saw the opportunity of
n glorious dig at his wife. So when he
got home he said:
Mrs. Robson. do you know why 1
am like n donkey?"
He waited moment, expecting his
wife to give it up. But she didn't. She
looked at him somewhat pityingly as
she answered. Il suppose it's because
you were born so."-Chicago News.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
Too Green.

Pats first visit to Hades was made
in a dream. Satan received him kind
ly and showed him everything of in
terest.
Sure. it's foine." said Pat, and
phwat plaises me most is that you've
no Oirishmin here, at all. at ALL"
His Satanic majesty pointed to a
closed door.
II keep the Irish locked up in there"
he said; they're too green to burn"
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
Willie and His Coats.

Willie had just passed the age of
kilt skirts and shirt waists and taken
on knickerbockers and waistcoats Just
like papa's" He was out of sorts the
other day, and his mother, calling him
to her. said:
Let me see your tongue"
The boy did as he was told. and the
mother then remarked:
Why, Willie, your tongue has coat
on it,"
Has it got two pockets in it. NAM
MAJ" the little fellow inquired.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
As to Respectabiiity.

"What | said to her was the truth,
she protested.
Admitted" he replied.
"And the truth is always respect
able"
Admitted again"
"And therefore should be well
coined"
oh. don't know. Aunt Jane. who
has such peculiar ways. is the very es-
sence of respectability. but don't no.
tioe that she gets an effusive welcome
when she comes to visit us. although
is absent"
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
nW] Pictorial bumor
Busy Angels.


Little Lulu G.. aged 4, does much to
make a certain Columbus home one
of the brightest to be found anywhere.
Not long ago little Lulu saw a small
colored child for the first time in her
life, and the little black mite inter-
ested her greatly. She asked her
mamma great many questions con-
cerning the colored girl, and then for
time she remained silent. Suddenly
Lulu queried with new interest:
Mamma. does little black girls go
to hevun?"
Yes. dear" replied the mother; "of
course they do"
Lulu was quiet for time, then she
said aloud but apparently to herself:
Goodness, they must be offul bizzy
keepin' their wings blacked up!"-Ohio
State Journal.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
No Doub. of Their status.

Shaughnessey tat the six day bicycle
race)-Are thin six day boycycle roid-
ers union min, OF wonder?
O'Toole-No! Scabs! II they was
union min sure they'd hove sthruck
long ago for eight hours a day!
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
Gold CounterfeitinR.

The gold used in color printing and on
mirror and picture frames is only an imi-
tation. 1t is made from bronze and spell
ter. and not from the pure gold leaf.
There Is another article also very much
Initiated. and that is Hostetter's Stomach
Bitters, the celebrated family remedy for
Indigestion. dyspepsia. constipation. bill
iousness, and liver and kidney troubles.
Beware of counterfeits when buying. The
genuine must have our Private Stamp
over the neck of the bottle.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
Cold Feet,

Doctor-You say you are troubled
with insomnia; did you ever try bath
ing your feet in hot water before go
ing to bed?
Mr.. Henpeck-Alas; it isn't my feet
that keep me awake, but my wife's.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
His Instructions.

Mrs. Jenks-Did you really pay $3.50
yard for 1t? That doesn't seem
much Of n bargain?
Mrs. Newliwed-Of course not.
That's why I bought it. You see.
bought ever so many bargains last
week. and my husband was real angry.
He said I'd have to stop buying bar
gains.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
In winter Use Aliens Foot Ease.

In Winter Use Allen's Foot Ease,
a powder. Your feet feel uncomfortable.
nervous. and often cold and damp. II
ysu have Chilblains, sweating, sore feet
or tight shoes, try Aliens FoJt-Ease
Sold by all druggists and shoe stores.
Csc. Sample sent FREE. Address
Allen s. Olmsted. Le Roy. N. Y.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
KIDNEY TROUBLES,
Mrs. Louise N. Gibson Says
That This Fatal Disease Is
Easily Cured by Lydia Z.
Pinkham's Vegetable Com
mound.

"DEAB MRS. PINKHAM felt very
discouraged two years ago, had sui-
fered so long with kidney troubles and
other complications, and had taken SO
much medicine without relief that l
began to think there was no hope for
me. Life looked SO good to me, but
what is life without health? WANTED
to be well.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
This VIII Interes. Mothers.

Mother Gray's Sweet Powders Tor
Children, used by Mother Gray. a
nurse in Children's Home. New York.
cure Feverishness. Teething Disorders.
Stomach Troubles and destroy worms.
At all druggists, 25c. Sample FREE.
Address Allen s. Olmsted. Leroy, N. Y.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
What He Rem o m bered.

$50 you don't go to call on the fair
Miss Allspud any more. l think l can
see her fathers hand in that"
Maybe you're right. but all l can
remember of him is his foot"
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

New York man is living In his chick
en- coop because of wrangle with his
wife. He seems to prefer the company
of cackling hens to that of u cackling
woman,
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

The song sung at the coronation of
English kings reads like 1t might have
been written by some way back Alfred
Austin when he was just beginning to
fall Into the rhyme habit
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

The greatest of professional athletes
use Wizard OIL for rundown" 1t
softens the muscles and prevents sore
ness,
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
After tho Lecture.

DO you think the devil is worse
than those who talk about him?"
well, sub. hit pends pom who do
in de talkin'."
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
A cure for tho Tobacco Habit.

Mrs. j. Kay, A. W. High street, Des Moines,
Iowa, has discovered harmless and inexpens-
i've remedy for the tobacco habit, which has
cured her husband and hundreds of others. Any
druggist can put it up The prescription and
directions sent free for o stamp TO pay postage.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

When men settle down to a steady
race for fortune they look upon their
youthful extravagances with feeling of
disgust.-Philadelphia Bulletin.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

A guaranteed cure for rheumatism
Marshalls Remedy for Rheumatism. Gou
and Neuralgia. All druggists refund mon
ey II 1t fails.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

President Roosevelt has just been elect
ed an honorary member of the Friendly
Sons of st. Patrick. The members may
think from his strenuous actions that he
is harboring Irish blood in his veins.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Do not suffer the agonies of Rheuma-
tism. Marshalrs Remedy for Rheuma-
tism ,Gout and Neuralgia is guaranteed
by all druggists.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

1t is said that the Chinese Emperor
employs three hundred cooks. There
must be great spelling of the broth In
his culinary department
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

To borrow the point of an old and
once esteemed pun. the railway lunch
deserts are SO called because of the sand
witch Is in them.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
ReaponaibIIItIan of Riches.

Speaking Of the responsibilities that
riches bring. no sooner have our
wealthy classes learned to pronounce
chef" with confidence than "chauf-
feur' begins to come in.-Puck.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
SlAndor.

Blandcr.
"Yes. they coaxed the girl from
Boston to hang up her stocking"
"Well?"
well, somebody put one of those
long striped candy canes in it."
yes"
"And there wasn't room for any
thing else"
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

The girls of Beloit. Kansas. have es-
tablished rule that their company"
must go home at 10 o'clock. This gives
such girls as desire to do so an oppor-
tunity to work two shifts.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Piso's Cure cannot bo too highly spoken o. -
0 cough cure.-J. w. OBRIrS. 3e2 Third Ave,
N. Minneapolis MINI. Jan. q. 1000
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Professor Garner. professor of lam
guages in Monkeydom, has returned to
betWeen % R"R Ris eRa,terins @ n:uq pupils iS and 9hs
dude.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

To Cure u Cold In Ono day.
Take Laxative Bromo Quinine Tablets. All
druggists refund money IL it fails to cure. 25c.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Marshalrs Remedy for Rheumatism |
guaranteed to cure, the dollar back IL
falls. All druggists.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Marriage is a mystery which time only
can unravel.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

There is such n thing as placing too
heavy a load of confidence on the shoul-
ders of friend.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

PUTNAM FADELEsS DYES color
silk wool or cotton perfectly at one boil
ing. Sold by druggists, 1Oc. per package.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Few men, however eminent, feel they
have attained desired success.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Mrs. Windows Soothing syrur.
For children teethinR, softens tho gums reduces n
hammstion. aays pain. wind collie $50 bottle
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Giddy girls often become the most Sc
date Of matrons.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Many persons gauge their conduct in
proportion to the influence OF those with
whom they are dealing.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

The tide of fortune often turns with a
| rush that carries everything before 1t.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29
1900 for Toe.

We wish you y try our
~ great farm seeds, hence
offer 70 send 10 farm seed
samples. containing Thousand
Headed KAle, Teosiuts. Rape,
4 Alfalfa, speltx, eto. tfnllJ worth
$1,000 to get . starD togeiher win
our sreatcataios. for loo postage.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

Mort wonderful KTass Of
the century. Produces Q tons
of hay aud lots and lots OF
pasturage besides per acre.
Grows wherever soil 10
found. salzer's seed 10
NArranted. That paya.
The Lamar register., 1902-01-29

SALzER'S MAGIC CRUSHED SHELLS.
Best on earth. Sell at el~S per 2p0 ID. bag
S3.75 for 500 lbs. S56o for 1 900 lbs.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21

The business men Of Astoria have
been taught a good lesson this year.
and hereafter, it is TO be hoped, AS
torians will not be so blind TO their
own interests as to permit the re-
gatta to so by, The regatta has not
only always held a large number Of
fishermen here. but II has also
brought thousands of visitors to the
city. This year hundreds of fisher
men left Immediately after the season
for other salmon packing points. and
the loss Of trade has been severely felt.
The regatta is an event OF great TN
nortance to Astoria and the benefits
which accrue from 1t amply repay for
the trouble incident 10 the holding Of
the carnival There win he 4 regatta
next year, and, If experience is worth
to those most Interested. the
managing committee will not be COM
PEELED to beg for funds
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21
COUNTERFEIT FIVE DOLLAR BILL

The secret service has discovered
that some one is raising 81 bills to IS
by a clever method Of changing the
figures. and unless they are closely ex-
amined will pass unnoticed. II has
also been discovered that many un-
Iscrupulous dealers are reflling the
bottles of the celebrated Hostetter's
Stomach Bitters and offering them to
the public as the genuine. These imi-
tations have 10 merit and are so dan
gerous to your health that In order
to protect the pubE:c. the proprietors
Of this fsu1o2s rz=55-zze have adopted
a Private Stamp 1s11z . ytzc4d over
the neck Of ez-z zc--z Pl=ase OBJ
serve that tx E-z-- & -=zcoken when
purchasizg IT, Zss-z 4 : specific
remedy fa- sBz1 zzErss--4 ~ Eztulency,
iindigesticz .ssl-a4-K. rerTousness,
dyspep=zz at 1va- 4z4 kidney trou-
bles. TT =
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21

lproximating TO Russia's in strength,
having 10 hattleships Us Of more than
1O,o oGo tons eachl, Of glss4O5 tons, and
II cruisers Is protected Of Sl,s5o tons,
Italy will remain away down In the
sixth place, with only Is hattleships
OF 1Ss,207 tons, and cruisers, all pro-
tected. OF Se,SlS tons, Japan viii be
seventh. with battleships, OF &5Ol
tons. and cruisers, all protected of
5S.17e tons--a small but powerful ma
w, and one capable Of giving good
account Of itself, should It be called
upon TO fight defensively In home
waters against such part of some
other navy as might be sent thous-
ands of miles away from home, On the
whole, then, the naval outlook of the
next few years is one which the Unit
ed States may regard with entire
equaninimity whether it considers
merely its own prospective strength or
also that OF the powers which are its
closest friends and natural allies,
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21
ouR NAVY TO STAND THIRD.

The t.n!ted States wii, have four
years hence the third navy of the
world. That is the forecast of that
high and impartial authority The
German Naval Year Book for 1902.
The estimate is in measure specu-
lative, but it has, on the whole, a sub
stantial basis. 1t rests in the reason
enable supposition that existing pro-
grammes OF construction are TO be
fulfilled. There is every reason to
suppose they will be, They cannot be
materially enlarged in that time. for
the reason that it takes several years
to complete a hattleship. If the ships
now being built and planned are finish
ed in 1906, as of course they should
be, the navies Of the world will rank
as follows in strength: British, French,
United States, Russian, German. Ital-
ian and japanese; an order quite sa-
tisfactory, thus far. TO this country.
To come to details: Great Britain
win have s. hattleshlps. Of 1850 tons,
and 70 large cruisers. Of 64S,44o tons,
an array OF fighting strength unique
in the naval history of the world.
France will stand second. with 80 bat
tleships, Of s4a,72O tons, and IS cruisers,
! OF 24s.l71 tons Passing by the United
States for the moment, Russia will
come fourth with 25 battleships, Of
247,241 tons, and IS cruisers, of 100, ,s0e
tons. Thus ii is to be seen that Great
Britain will have as many battleships
as France and Russia put together.
But the tonnage Of her battleships win
exceed that OF theirs by 16S,6sS, an
amount equal to a dozen first-class
battleships. giving her a tremendous
preponderance over their united ma
vies in weight and strength. She will
have 50 battleships of more than 10,
900 tons each, while France and Rus
sia will have only A. such, and the
god of naval warfare is on the side
Of the heavier ships.
Now let us see about our own ma
wv. as il will be at that time. 1t will
have 20 battleships. of S,294 tons, and
as cruisers, of 176,155 tons. That falls
far short of Great Britain's of Frances
but it considerably passes Russia;
strength. For while in number of bat.
tleships we have only 20 to her %, o.
those of more than 10000 tons We shal
have 10 to her 19, and out total ton
mage will exceed hers by more than 1000
We shall have only 16 cruisers to he
1S. but our 16 will outweigh her IS b!
75,54s tons, and 10 of ours will b.
armored or protected, to only five o
hers. There can be no doubt then
that, despite her numerical superior
ity. our navy will be considerably tn
stronger.
Grmany will have navy closely ap
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21
NO FALSE CLAIMS,

The proprIetors OF roley's Honey
and Tar do not advertise this as \
sure cure for consumption" They
do not claim It will cure this dread
complaint In advanced cases. but do
positively assert that L will cure In
the earlier stages and never fails TO
give comfort and relief In the worst
cases, Foley's Honey and Tar IL with.
out doubt the greatest throat and lung
remedy, Refuse substitutes, Sold by
Frank Hart, druggist.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21
TREAT YOUR KIDNEYS FOR
RHEUMATISM.

When you are suffering from rheu.
uattSm the Kidneys must bo attend.
Cd 10 At once 50 that they will clint
FHley's Kidney Cure Is tho most ct-
tectIve remedy for this purpose, Il, I,
Hopkins, Of Polar Wis. says. After
Unsuccesstuly doctoring for three
years for rheumatism with the best
doctors, tried Foley'S Kidney cure
and It cured me, cannot speak too
Mghly ot this great medlcne, - For
sale by Frank Hart. druggist.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21
\ MILLION VOICE

Could hardly express the thanks OF
Homer Hail. Of West Point. Ia. Lis
teu Why \ severe cold had settled
on his lungs. causing most obstinate
cough. Several physicians said he had
, consumption, but could not help h!m.
When all thought he was doomed he
began to use Or Kings New Dlscov-
cry for consumption and writes. 1t
completely cured me and saved my
life. now weigh a21 pounds" les
positively guaranteed for Coughs,
Colds and Lung troubles Price Soc
ana 81. Trial bottles free at chas.
Rogers drug store.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21

organs of digestion aud nutrition, Golden
Medical Discovery cures through the
stomach diseases which have their origin
in 4 diseased condition OF the stomach. aud
heuce diseases of liver. lungs, heart and
other organs are cured by use of the VDis.
covery,e Il contains no alcohol, neither
opium, cocaine, or other narcotic. II is a
true temperance medicine
Accept no substitute for Golden Med,
ical Discovery" There is nothing else
"just as good
II was a total wTeek-cnuid not sieep or eat
writes Mr., ], o. Beers, of Berryrnan, Crawford
Go. Mo, For two wears tried medicine from,
doctorS but received very little hcueht I lost
flesh and strength was uot able 10 do q gpS>d
days work. commenced taking Or Pierce .
Golden Medical Discovery aud when | had
taken one bottle could sleep and my appetite
was wonderfully improved | have taken five
bottles and am siiu Improving
nr Pierce's Pleasant Pellets cure con.
stipatiou by curing the cause They do
not beget the pill habit
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21
FoII.s A DEADLY ATTACK,

My wife was so III that good ply
slcians We're unable 10 help her" writes
NJ. NJ. Austin, OF Winchester, iad q.
but was completely cured by nr,
Kings New Life Pitts" thnv work
wonders In stomach and liver troubles.
Cure constipation. sick headache, s5c
at Chas. Rogers drug store,
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21

After all Schwab has not resigned
the presidency Of the United States
Steel Corporation, Perhaps he feels
that he owes 1t TO himself TO hug
closely up to that million a year.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21

Many soldiers in the last war wrote
70 say that for Scratches. Bruises.
cuts Wounds, Corns, Sore Feet and
sun Joints. Rueklens Arnlca Salve Is
tae best In the world, Same for Burns,
Scslds. BoIls, Ulcers. Skin Eruptious
and Piles 1t cures or no pay, onty
25e at Chas Rogers drug store.
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21

4 negro standing ON the street the
other morning was describing the good
things he was going to have for din.
uer when another negro who was lis
teu5ng, shouted; Hush. youll make
we swallow my tongue"
The morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1899-1930, 1902-08-21

4. r. Bass, Of Morgantown, Ind
had 10 get up ten or twelve times In
the night and had severe hackache and
pains In the Kidneys Was cured by
Foley's Kidney Cure,-For sale by
Frank Hart. druggist.