davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03

brought with us. we was soon launched
on feast iv raison an a flow iv soHI.
Unhappily befure tn raypast was con-
! cluded q mis'rabl scene took place.
Amid cries iV approval Parnassey read
his mim'ra bic pon1e entitled: I VISIT
l Nlver Got Marrid.' Afther finishin'
in perfect roar iV applause. he han
pened to look up an see his wife cal
lously rockin' tn baby. With tn i'm
petchosity so characteristic iv tn
man, he broke soup plate over her
head an burst into tears on tn fure
where gentle sleep soon soothed tn
pangs iv a weary heart. We left as
quitely as we cud, considherin' tn way
tn chairs was placed an wanst undher
tn stars committed on tn ir'ny Nv fate
that condimned so great man to so
Melancholy a distiny.''
rms, says our author was tn
odlly life iv tn hayro FIR tin years. In
what purgatory will that infamous
woman suffer if hiven thinks as much
" Jaufuses as we think Nv ourselves.
Forchniteiy tn pote was soon TO be
marclfully relieved. He left her an
she married a boorjauce with whom
she led life iV coarse happiness IL
is sad 10 relate that some years afther-
ward tn great pote, havfn' called to
make short touch on tn woman FIR
whom he had sacryficer so much. was
uhleellngly Kicked out iv tn boor-
Jawce's plumbin' shop
SO We see. Hinnnissy why a woman
oushtn't to marry JANUS. She can't
De cross or peevish or angry or Jealous
or frlvoyour or anything else a
woman ought 20 be at times FIR fear
II VIII get into tn ditchn'ry iv bio
grapny an she'll go down to histhry as
a termygant. A termygant. Hinnissy.
is woman who's heerd talkin' to her
husband afther they've been marrid
year. Hogan says all janiuses was un-
happily marrid. ] guess that's thrue
their wives, too. He says if We
hear iv a pote who got on with his
family. scratch him firm ye'er public
NIB ~ list An there We ARE"
1e know a lot about narredge"
said Mr.. Hennessy.
I do said Mr.. Dooley
He was niver marrid?''
NO" said Mr.. Dooley. NO. I saw,
giVin' three cheers know about mar
redse tn way an astronomer knows
about tn stars. I'm studyin' it through
me glass all tn time
"Ye'er an astronomer said Mr..
Hennessy. but" he added, tapping
himself lightly on the chest. I'm a
STAR
Go home" said Mr.. Dooley. GROSSLY.
befure tn mornin' comes TO put We
out"
Copyright, 1907, by Robert Howard
Russell
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03
BY George AGe.

Degree then / win be the human IT.
Ny scholarly Attachments and polished
Manner will get me past the Door and
into the Inner Circle of the Hot Pota-
toes. AS for Bradford, although it is
possible that he shall have combed up
little Currency he will be a mere or
binary, Sordid Business Man--not one
two-seven when he tries 10 stack up
against one who has just been deliv-
cred of a Thesis on the Correlated Phe-
nomena of Unconscious Cerebration.
While Brad was out in the back
Townships short-ehanging the Farm
ers and buying per cent Mortgages,
Otis was working his way through Col
lege and living on Oatmeal, except on
Holidays. and then Prunes- He was
getting round-shouldered and wore
Specs, and was all gaunted up. but he
never weakened He was pulling for
the Laurel Wreath of Scholarship, OF.
in other words. the Degree. After
humping it for four years he passed his
final Exam and the Faculty decided
that he was Bachelor Of Arts.
That~was the Day when he had the
Laugh on Brad.
In the meantime Bradford had been
choking various People and taking it
away from them. He had four Sales
men under him. and had butted into
the Firm, but he was still shy on Bot
any
Inasmuch as Otis had been one of
the brightest Men in his Glass, he was
offered a position as Instructor in the
College at a Salary of s55 a Month,
with the promise of s. raise at the
end Of five Years, If he lived. Otis ac-
copied because the Outside World did
not seem 20 be clamOring for his Ser
vices, even though he was an Author
ity on the MeZoZoic Period. and knew
all the Diatomes by their First Names.
Often while he was burning the Mid
night Oil and grinding out Jaw Break
ers, so as to qualify for the Masters
Degree. he reflected as follows TT is
true that Brad is making it Hand over
Fist and wears IS Shirts and rides in a
State Room on the Pullman, but ne us
not a Bachelor of Arts. And some day
when he is a Multi Millionaire can
still look down on him for then I shall
be a Master of Arts 1 have known
since Childhood that Education is more
desirable than paltry Gold. Although
the Newspapers and the General Pub
lie do not seem TO be with me to any
Extent, il is better TO hob-nob with the
Binomial Theorem than to daily with
the Champagne supper"
In due time the Faculty gave the De-
gree of MA. 10 what was left Of Otis,
and still his Ambition was not salts
fed He wanted to land a Doctors De
gree. He knew that any one who
aspired to this Eminent Honor had to
be a Pippin. But he hoped that he
could make some Contribution to the
World of Thought that would jar the
whole Educa tional System and help
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03

word. A noble inheritance-these fine
traits of character-and sure TO bring
their reward. So il proved in his case
A position was offered him in New
York-in some bank, / think-and he
felt it his duty to accept So did his
mother. Good positions are not al
ways picked up in that way--List for
the asking.
"Ah! the relay scratched just then.
Did YOU notice it? You probably
wouldn't, not being familiar with the
sound. stuck some operators call it.
Stuck or scratched il all amounts
to the same thing nearly. So it worked
on the night of the tragedy. Finally
the line frightened up. That is. the
scratching ceased and the relay
clicked in better shape. Each Office
holding delayed messages began tight
ing for the wire. A 10 silenced them,
and Jack. our train dispatcher. rat
tied off orders for the express Then
there was another rush and the wire
was secured by w of the Central, the
day repeater on our division How w
could sling electricity But that's
neither here nor there. I simply Us
tened to him with one ear and with the
other to Mrs. Hadley. who was talking
about her dear Charlie
- Charlie was such a good boy, she
said: and / can see just how she looked
when she said: So thoughtful, too. Ev-
cry Tuesday when I 90 to the Office
there is Charles letter in the box. How
l would miss that letter if il failed
to arrive. But il never wili-not while
Charlie is alive and well. He loves his
him better than anyone else on earth
I can hardly wait. so anxious am l %
clasp him IN these arms
"While she was talking the sounder
clicked -B-N-B-N That was my
ONCE call so I answered it. Then
listening TO Mrs. Hadley with one ear
and to the soUnder with the other,
copied this. one of the most hateful
MESA ges that ever passed over wire
Man fell from express. Lived L
exelaim that his name was Charlie:
Hddley. Home at your place. Las
! words were: Break il gently to moth
er. and died
Break it gently TO mother ThinE
of that Think of II. say, and with
that mother sitting where you are, 1T
the Seif-same chair. Glaring at. tbs
message blank. 1 read and reread IL
and wondered if dreamed l feared
to give the 60 k lest 1 had misunder-
stood Instead. I grasped the key and
wired, -G.- Alb. G., Ego ahead from be
ginning). and the message was repeat
ed II was the exact duplicate Of the
/ first Then. giving the o. X reiuct-
antIy turned and glanced across the
room tried TO speak but the effor'
wzs useless The words stuck in my
throat 7 could only stare at tina
mother, who continued TO talk ike this
. Charles room is all arranged JUS
as he left il when he went away.
know his little peculiarities, you see
/ and so have humored him In ever
whim- Neither could / eat alone to
night. and so have arranged the "a BIZ
for two We viii eat together. just a.
we used TO in the past Just as W.
used 10 in the past. All. sir. the gloon
surrounding the old home has disap-
| peared- It's all sunshine tonight-al
| sunshine. II did seem when 1 started
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03
Till PREACHER
L L AQ@HED.
His Mind Was Detracted From the Ser.
men by Lady Chorister.
fst. Loula Globe pemocrat.l

A prominent minister OF st. Louis
was asked yesterday il he had ever
been tempted to laugh during services.
and what would be the effect If the
teacher of a large congregation should
burst in upon the full solemnities of
| regular service with a genuine, hearty
| laugh Interruptions to services were
| under discussion, and all the talk had
been about absent rnindedness I'm the
pevs- The question suggested the aw-
fnl possibilities of a similar break in
the pulpit.
Well, 1 can answer that question
very nicely. because ! did that very
thing one time myself he replied. 1T
was one Sunday when my church was
unusually crowded. ] had prepared d
sermon that considered decidedly
above the ordinary, and when / had
got well into il / realized that my au-
dience was thoroughly impressed. j
was deeply in earnest and they were
fully sympathetic. / swung through
my periods with resounding voice and
/ carried them with me- In the midst
of the discourse / happened to glance
towards the choir loft in the other end
Of the church. A young girl singer
was sitting with her arms crossed on a
| railing, and her body rigid. seemingly
with the intentness of attention She
was such good listener that I nm
consciously talked at her as any
speaker will under such circumstances.
As talked l tried to catch her eye,
and was puzzled to note that they were
not turned in my direction at all. L
followed her gaze and saw something
comieal in the extreme. A man in the
| back pew was sound asleep. His head
was thrown completely over the back
of his pew and his mouth was open to
its widest extremity. The girl was in
ten
mouthed sleeper immediately below
the edge of the choir loft. / went on
with my talk and watched the girl.
Slowly she lifted her hand to her mouth
and l fully realized that she extracted
large wad of gum Her eyes never
moved from the man, aud to save my
life my eyes could nSt Weave her. I
did not know her purpose but she
SLOWLY. very slowly, aimed that gum at
the mouth below. Her hand went up
and down as she fixed her aim, and
my eye rose and fell with that hand
as surely as bird sways before the
fascination of the reptile. My words
went on in a mechanical monotone, but
my mind had left my subject and my
people. Body. soul and sight were
strained in watching that girl. Up and
down went the hand, in motions that
ever grew shorter. and then, as the
snake would make the dart. she flashed
the gum at its target. II fell like
shot. and as it disappeared into the
cavernous mouth below. l broke my
flow of meaningless words with a
shrek of laughter that fell on the audi
ence like bombshelI. 1t seemed that
l laughed for five minutes and that /
swayed and shook with the emotion. I
suppose it was really less than FIVE
seconds. The sermon was ruined and
ii is a surprise that was not. I man
aged to call for the singing of a hymn,
and under cover of this 1 retreated
from the pulpit. My assistant dis
missed the congregation.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03

him to climb to the topmost Pinnacle of
Human Greatness
Professor Otis did the Dig Act year
after year At the age of 40 he was
still NJ. A and owned a House with a
Mortgage on IL. In the Meantime there
had been revolutionary Changes in the
World of Finance. Everything on Earth
had been put into Pool Each Smooth
Citizen who had something that was Of
no particular use TO him went to work
and Capitalized It. Brad closed out
his Interests for so much Money that
any one else would have been ashamed
70 take It. Then he and some other
Buccaneers went down TO Wan Street
to have fun with several dignihed Gen
tlemen whom Brad described as Them
Fly Eastern Mugs. They succeeded in
putting the Skids under q number of
Persons who did not care to meet them
Socially.
When Brad walked around IN his
Million Dollar Hut he had 10 step high
TO avNd stumbling over Bundles of the
Long Green But he never had made
any further Roadway with his Botany
1t happened one Day that Brad was
out Noting and he dropped in at thS
College where his Boyhood Friend was
now the Professor of DIpsicology and
Plamazzus.
This is a likeIy-looking Plant" said
Brad, as he sized up the Campus. I
like to encourage these Joints because
they help 20 keep lot of Young Eel
lows away from Business Offices. I
find that have here in my Vest Pock-
ct a noeasIy $4,000 that I have over
looked in changing my Clothes Give it
TO the Main Cheese and tell him TO
have a Laboratory on me"
When the News got out all the sis
boon-ah Boys gave & Parade in their
Nighties- The Faculty called a Spe-
eiaI Meeting and made Brad a Doctor
of Philosophy.
Next Year he put up for a Gym and
they made him Doctor of Divinity
The Year following he handed them a
Telescope and became an LID.
Every time he couGhed he was made
some new kind Of Doctor
nj fact for a Man with a 81 Hat who
did not know the difference between
the Pistn and Stamen he was the most
learned Thing in Seven States Pro-
fessor OTIS was crowded into the Ditch.
Sometimes he wonders which of the
two has the nub end Of the Argument
that started in the Red School House
MORAL: The Longest Way Around
is the Shortest Way to the University
Degree
Copyright, 1902 by Robert Howard
RuSSen.)
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03

- n Red School House back in the
"a Web-Foot District, it was the
s. Custom to have a Debate every
- Friday Afternoon. The much
mooted Question as to which does
the greater Damage, Fire or Water,
had been carefully gone over by the
SQUADS. Also who was the heftier
Proposition. Napoleon or Washington?
But the original Stand BY was as fol-
lows: Resolved, that Education is
better than Wealth ?"
The Corporate Interests got many a
Whack here in the knowledge Works
Most of the Children wanted to grow
up and be like Calico. They claimed
that mere Wealth could not purchase
Happiness. The only genuine Peace of
Mind came from being able to call of
the Geological Periods with the Eyes
closed
Here in this little Brain Hatchery
were two Kids who were not Mates
One was named Otis and the other was
Bradbury, or Brad for Short. Otis was
the Boy VINO took the Affirmative side
on Friday Afternoon. Ote firmly be-
iieved that Learning was the most val
liable Asset that a Man could tuck
away. Brad was for~the Money End
of the Game. but when he got up to
MAKE his Talk his Vocabulary would
become damned up and caught cross
ways in the Flue and teacher would
send him to his Seat. Otis however,
could tell in we'll chosen Phrases why
the Scholar was a better and happier
Man than the Millionaire and so he
always received the Vote of the
Judges.
Now. Brad was done up, but uncon-
WINGED. He could nots stand up before
the District School and tell why it was
good policy to corral the Coin, but he
had a secret Hunch that il would be no
Disgrace for him to go out and do the
best he could. Brad had a bulldog
Jaw and large blood-shot Hands and a
Neck-Band somewhat larger than his
Hat-Band. He jumped the Stockade
when they startedhto teach him Bot
any. He weighed $50, and he thought
he was too large to sit around and
count the Petals of the Ox-Eye Daisy
when he might be out selling lightning
Rods to the Yaps and making jug
handled Contracts. Accordingly he
Dug.
Bradford is making a great Mis-
take" said Otis. as he saw his Friend
tear from the Institution of Learning
I'm order to get few worldly Chatteis
right at the jump he sacrifices his Di
pIoIna / shall be more Foxy shall
go right on through the High School
and then I shall attend College and
get a Degree. When 1 have taken my
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03
WHAT THE soUNpER SAID.
How Mother and Son, Long Separ-
ated, We're United at Last.
(New York Times-l


Waiting for the train, Ell? Well sir,
you'll wait just twenty mingfess No.
is off its beat tonight-hot BOX on one
of the rear coaches Won't you come
in? Here, take a seat. Line is quiet
just now, so I've moment to, spare.
Queer messages pass over the wires2
Oh, yes! al least-sometimes. JOY, sor-
row, business, easure-it makes no
difference to the wire. Frequently a
sprinkling of tragedy too. Why, sir,
one happened in this same office. Same
time of year as this, express late same
as tonight. and the party waiting for it
bless met you are occupying the self
same chair. ThereI-there, don't be
Observation-Disclosures seldom strikes
twice in the same place.
1T was like this. The wire that
night was working badly. Dots and
dashes run together until it was we'll
nigh impossible TO distinguish the let
ters. Adjusting the relay, tightening
the different screws. cleaning the zines,
and adding vitriol to the batteries.
failed to remove the cause. Whatever
the fault. il hindered the perfect trans
mission of MESA ges, if nothing more.
While working at the machine a
form darkened my office window. Is the
train nearly due?' was asked. Overdue,
I answered. petulantly. People will ask
such questions, you know, with the
time card staring them straight in the
face. Looking up and recognizing the
speaker, / added: The express is one
half hour late. Won't you come in, Mrs.
Hadley?'
I'm looking for Charlie she said.
as I moti0ned her to a seat. Same chair
you are now occupying. Charles my
boy. you know. He left home FIVE years
ago. II has seemed a long time-those
five years-and | have missed him so
much. But tonight he is coming home
Il knew Charlie well. He was the
only child and support of his widowed
mother. and at the time he went away
was 10 years of age. Model youth he
was. too-noble. upright, honest Traits
inherited from his mother, who was a
Christian woman in every sense of the
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03
Believed IN Rotation.

One day mamma told Milton. says the
Little chronicle, that he was older than
the baby and must let the baby have his
toys If he wanted them, because the babv
was the littlest
Milton was very good and went in
search OF other amusement all day
The next morning we heard a CIV from,
the children, and going to find the cause.
Milton was found endeavoring to collect
an the toys in the room ana at the same
tlme keep the baby away from them
Upon inquiring the trouble Milton said:
let him have my toys and be the
ntueSt yesterday. and now I'm going TO
be the littlest today
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03
Lamp Oil For Spiders.

Spiders are met with in the forests ~
Java whose webs are so strong that IL
REQUIRES a knife to cut through them We
are told. A spider weighing four pounds
which has taken I'D her residence N a
cathedral at Munich rsgales herself with
a large supply of lamp oil 4 Texas
spider weaves balloon four feet Ions
and two feet wide which she fastens TO
a tree by single thread. then marches
on board with her half dozen little ones.
cuts the thread and away goes the air
ship TO some distant point on the prairie.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03
Only Natural.
Chicago Trfbune.}

Chicago Trfbune.4
It was several DAYS after the prize fight
and the pugflist with the TWO broken RIBS
was sitting up and smoking a strong CT
gar when the doctor came in
Well how are YOU feeling now" asked
the latter
I've had a stitch in my side an day"
replied the pugilist-
That's all right" said the doctor. 1T
shows that the bones are knitting
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03
Delicate But Pointed
CWashington Star1

''N hat / object to-" said the young
woman who wants to vote, lis taxation
without representation"
If its ali the same to you said the
young man who is too bashful to propose
directly II should be only too happy to
represent your sentiments at the polls
at every election
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-08-03

top of that Balm O Gilead over the
hill? They sleep beneath it, side BY
side-Charlie and his mother. Here's
your train, sir
Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1902-03-14

The results of experiments at the
New York state station show very con-
clusively that low temperatures for
curing give a much better and more
uniform cheese. In 1899 four curing
rooms were used, with temperatures of
So, GO, Go and 20 degrees, respectively.
The rooms were arranged so that the
temperatures could be kept uniform au-
tomatically, while cloths kept continu-
ously wet were suspended in the rooms,
so that the percentage of moisture.
would remain fairly constant. Without
exception the cheeses cured at the low
er temperatures scored highest, there
being a difference between the average
of the cheeses cured at 60 degrees and
below and 65 degrees and above of five
points in flavor and two and a half
points in texture. These experiments
were repeated in 1900 with practically
the same results.
Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1902-03-14
Cod Liver OIL From Beans.

During the wait between acts n med
ical student and young woman who
sat together became slightly embar-
raised for topics of conversation. FL
nally and not unnaturally in view of
the nature of the young mans studies
their talk drifted to the subject of dis
agreeable tasting medicines. Among
the horribles they mentioned were cod
liver oil and castor oil.
81 don't see," unused the young WON
an, chow any one can bear TO eat the
beans that stuff is made Of"
"What kind of beans do you mean?'
inquired the young man.
"Why, cod liver oil beans, to be
sure" ,a.s-
aren't you thinking of castor
beans" ventured her companion.
"Why, 1 always thought cod liver
oil was made from BEANS" she said,
and the good breeding of the young
man was shown by the fact that he
didn't even smile, but several of those
who sat near by hadn't equal control
over their features. - Philadelphia
Ledger,
Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1902-03-14
EXTRACTOR.

COMB HONEY. EXTRACTOR.
tractor, in which the comb of honey is
revolved so rapidly that the honey flies
out of the comb somewhat as the mud
flies from a wagon wheel when the
wheel revolves rapidly. When thus OBJ
tanned, it is called extracted honey and
may be found put up in tin or glass
packages. 1t varies in color from wa
ter white to almost black, the color de-
pending upon the flowers from which
the honey was obtained. Nearly all
honey graduates upon the approach of
cold weather, having somewhat the Gp-
pearance of lard, and in this form it is
preferred by some.
1t is not a hard matter to mix glucose
with extracted honey. the mixture va
rying in character according to the
quality of glucose used. Respectable
grocers. however have no difficulty in
Offering you an article that they may
warrant as pure, having on the label
the name Of some reliable producer or
dealer.
Comb honey is that stored in waxen
cells. the marvellous workmanship of
the honcybee.
Honey in the comb may vary in col
or. 1t may vary in quality. All flowers
do not yield the same honey. But it
was all stored by the bees.
All honeycomb when first made by
the bees is white as the whtest found
on the m.rket. If it is left in the care
of the bees, it becomes dark, and if left
with them for several years it will be-
come almost black. The white is more
beautiful to the eye. so it is taken from
the hive generally before the bees have
had time to darken it.