The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1902-07-30
CANDIDATES. TIMID.
Brother Bob Comments ON
the Scarcity OF Issues.
Having Heard the Speeches He Ham
mers q Few Nails on the Head
In Characteristic Style.

- oVJNs
EDITOR, The ADVERTISER, SIR:--
A pleasant ride down to your
city on the 18th inst. placed me In
touch with hundreds of old friends of
Laurens County and we felt the thrill
ing emotions struggling for express
sions SO characteristic of reunions. 1t
was campaign day and L was favorably
impressed with the tone of the CAM
paign procedure and with the general
character OF the candidates. They APP
pear to be In good spirits, and for the
most part In good humor. 1t is the
first campaign year In sixteen years
entirely devoid OF issues. We've been
fighting fire all these years, and 1t
would seem that the whole thing had
burnt through or blown to atoms and
that we are to have q season OF rest.
Why, the candidates have to actually
hunt up something to talk about. The
old plauks of our former platforms are
worn out and bursted through. The
planks we used to stand or when the
boys and l used to romp and rear and
make fur fly from the hustings-i. @.
retrenchment, low taxes, rotation, free
passes, prohibition, local option, dis
pepsary and rips and thunder. We see
them tanned down now and scrambiing
through the debris hunting pieces OF
a. ho pOiCo Wtbh "htSh w hpl
wise a platform on which to stand, i. O.,
to wit: Good roads, education, soldiers
home, being good to your wife and keep
ing plenty of stove-wood and bacon. A
tame sort of way of running q campaign
indeed! No wonder the candidates
have to resort to funny jokes in order
to keep the people awake. We hear OF
of no slavery, mud-bedraggled servi.
tude. ex'ortion, grinding, the face of
the poor. OF bowling calamities and
thunderation generally. They are all
mutual edifice and lay down a sound
solid oak plank 4x12 inches and run
aclash something. That's right, boys,
take it easy, be light and tread softy,
hold your skillets level and don't spill
your gravy / have been alons there
and can speak from experience. 1
clashed against policies and jostled
against men and split my gravy. 1t
won't do.
story of the Methodist preacher vino
was wont to r a fashionable church
In q fashionable city in Kentucky. On
his arrival n of the stewards fell In
to make his acquaintance and to give
him a few pointers. After coming to
the point he began: well, parsop, l
thought best hat you had best not say
anything against dancing in your SER
mons while stationed at this place. Mr..
A., whose wife and daughters are con-
sistent members, is quite rioh and pays
largely to the support of the church.
Aud, you see, their daughters some
times trip the light fantastic.
every WE'LL" said the minister, "I
will consider your advice"
Soon after this official had taken
leave another steward dropped in and
before leaving advised the parson that
1t would not be e%xpedient to preach
against whiskey since Sister B. was
one of the best members and her hus-
band, while a good hearted man, was
Of q sensitive nature and kept a bar
room. Thus it went until each of the
stewards had paid their respects and
rendered their advice.
The visitor treated each with cour-
tesy, but on parting with the last visi-
tor he solemnly remarked: "Well,
now, brethren, you officials have each
kindly advised me what not to preach
against and each has given a plausible
reason. One advised not to preach
against whiskey selling, another whis-
other horse racing, etc.. until every
Now l am at a loss to know what to
preach against; will you be kind
enough to advise me as to that?"
"Well yes" said the puzzled dicta-
tor, "yes-huh-I think maybe under
all the circumstance, sir, / would
preach against-let's see-yes; preach
against the Mormons; they haven't a,
friend in town."
RROTuEp Ron 4