West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1902-04-17
THE RURAL P0STMAN.
Re Tells About . Fool or Two and q
Determined Young Woman.

"Iie is"
'ln fact he's most all fool"
$50 I've heard"
"And bein he's most all fool" says the
farmer land of no use to me want to shuck
him of on the government. Abe you are a
biz man Amt yous"
81 am" saysL.
"You represent the United States. the
constitution, the postmaster general and all
that and IL you meet load of hay or a load
OF sawlocs they have to give the highway to
yoa'"
"rhats correct"
"rhen want you to help me about Jim.
l want YOU to get him an Office. 1t you'll
do II I'll take il as powerful favor"
"l'm willing to do anything" says ''but
I'm afraid Jim will have to wait for time
All the Offices for fools are filled and some
one has got to die OF resign to make a
vacancy. When the righ, time comes I'll
do all I can for him."
"No chance TO squeeze him In now?"
mot the slightest"
''Waal III have TO be satisfied and I'm
also much Obliged. It's no use Keeping a
fool in the family when you can shove him
OH on the government and make him earn
his way Keep you eyes open Abe aud
anything you do for me will be gratefully
remembered. Hammer said you had sunthin
else to do than 10 look out for jobs but |
told her we used TO 20 To school together
and knowed you'd help me along IL you
could. Day TO you and that's Jim foileriu
them cat tracks in the snow aud ,hinkin he 5
after bears
found Uncle Jerry Ridgeway down st
the barnya'd to stop me before got to the
house. lie had two scratches on his nose
aud a mussed up look and when asked hin,
what the trouble was the tears started to his
! eyes and he repied;
"Abe do you remember that little talk we
had last faIl1"
al believe do.
''It was about my geilin married ae'in
--sbou, my marryIn the wdder Black for
my third wife"
"Yes"
Il told you loved her be,tern sweet
cake. said she was the mex, thing TO an
angel a"d thai was goin 10 marry her and
he The happiesi man in America You kin
der didn't know abou, a man of 6S years
old marryin woman of so but you let me
down as easy as you could Abe. Why didn't
you break my neck that day2"
'But what's wrong Uncle Jerry9" says I.
al married the widder Yes mem that
angel in corse,s was wed on Christmas day"
"And of course you are happy"
"Am II" he whispers as he comes closer.
"Abe look at those scratches on my nose.
Observe how much of my hair I've lost.
| Feel Of these loose teeth. Gaze on these
tears my friend and then ask IL am
happy"
"IIave you heen kicked by a COW uncle 2"
''No sir. I've been waloped by widder
OF al least she was a widder before I was
fool nuff TO marry her. Ab: that gentle
hearted thing has pulled my hair. scratched
my nose. slapped my jaws and kicked me in
the ribs and I'm miserable man and wish
was dead"
''But things may improve" I says hoping
to console him little.
"Thcy never will Abe--never They'll
go the other way. In fact IT was only an
hour ago when she called me an old fool
and said sbed break my ribs with a sled
stake. We made an idiot of myself and "
you don't help me out I'm a doomed man"
"But how can I help you1t'
There's windmill man putin up mill
for Hiram Joyce. want you 10 see him
and tell him what sweet and purity thing
Ange!ine is. Then sec Angelne and tell
her how romantic IL would be 20 run away
with the windmill man. Get 'em interested
in each other. get 'em 10 fall 10 love, get
'em TO eiope Lord Abe IL you only would
I've got 20 cows and IL you'll get Aug-iine
To run away with somebody III give you
half the drove and throw in couple Of hogs
to boot
promised Uncle Jerry to do the best I
could IN the matter and when drove away
/ he had his eyes clear Of tears and was trying
hard to whistle "Yankee Doodle" ! hadn't
driven mile on my route when I overlook
Joe Bakers girl Nancy and asked her 70
share my seat with me. Nance was looking
very solemn aud when asked her n she
had irostbiiien toes she replied
"Abe I'm going to tell ye sunthin.'
And Il shall be kept sacred - says 7.
"Fou know Aaron Post who works for
| John Bebee9 Well Aaron has been steal.
in my heart away"
"By thunder but you don't mean it!''
every word Of il Abe. Yes sir he's
been tellin nc how much he adores rnc and
that his life would be blank without my
pre- sence. He's even wanted me 10 90 on
aud live with him on a desert island''
| 'lIow was he going GO gct clothes and
food and beer and plug tobacco on desert
islsnd9" says
Dunno" says she, "bui that's what he
wanted. WHY Abe that cfiiier used 90 talk
20 me II love till ! felt my hair snappin and
my heart goin round"
! IT,"
~ do. Yes he quit about two weeks ago
and he won't answer any Of my notes. Hes
| given me the shake 10 take up with Susan
! Davis. They was al The spcllin school 10
geiher last Wednesday night"
"And arc you going 10 be walked into
the earth this wsy1" asks after a btfle
time.
''Do 7 look as u wasp" she asks a. she
! gets red in the face and doubles up her fists
''No Abe I'm not. I'm nov on my way 70
see Aaron. You lei me of Al Bebee's barn.
| Aaron will be shelin corn and thinkin u
his redhcaded Susan and I'li walk IN ON him
unexpected and unanaounced ="
"And thcn2"
'Ffhen I'll fasicn both hands into his hair
back him up agains, the big doors and find
out IN about two minutes whether he perfcrs
red head 20 black You can drive right
on and y you hear any yellin don't turn
back Here we arc In front ~ the barn {"
"And may luck 90 with you. . said as
she got down.
] heard yell and a scufIle a. drove on
but paid no heed. The United States Of
America never intcrferes IN anyboJv's love
affairs.