Sunday Washington globe., 1902-02-23

That the ordinary civil service examina.
tion bears no analogy to the purpose for
which il is held--the applicants qualifca-
tions for Government clerkship, etc--is
illustrated by Mr.. Howard in his little book
in most faeetious manner Here are the
questions which female applicant for a
minor elerkship in the department
is required to answer OF course
these are not the actual questions,
but they are as pertinent and to the point
as much as the actual questions applicants
are required to answer who aspire TO
minor position in the Government service
Question-What is your nationality
Q. If foreign born, state why you we're
not born on American soill
Q. If American born, state if that was
your preference, or was il a circumstance
over which you had no control?
Q. Have you ever been convicted OF
felony2
Q. How often would a wheel six feet
four inches and a half in circumference
turn round in going from the earth to the
moon the distance TO the moon being, sup
posedly, $4,000 900 miles7'
Q. What is a sun dogl
Q. What caLse a halo around the moon7
o. Explain the science of rain-making,
and give an estimate Of the amount the
government will have to spend before the
experiments will prove successful
Q. State the distinctive features of differ
ence between a Circus Hudsonious and
FalcO Mexicanusl
.. Why does a ground hog return to his
hole on seeing his shadow on the day he
makes his 6rst appearance in the spring7
Q. What is the best remedy for poll evil
in horses?
Q, Should an elderly lady, past sixty and
unmarried, wear bangs1
o. Give some enlightened theory as to
the best method Of reaching the North
PoleT
O Why do not old MAIDS marry
Q. Is it proper 20 say this United States
or these United States?
Q How do FISH live all the time under
water2
0. Give the cause and what in your
opinion is the best method Of preventing
cyclones?
Q. Write an argument for and against
Government ownership of railroads}
Q. What was the leading motive in your
opinion which prompted Brutus to assassi-
nate Cesar1
! O. Is murrain in cattle durable? If so,
| what is the best remedy
/ Q Are you in favor Of the Government
pensioning its clerks and employees after
they have served for twenty years7
Q. Is it your honest opinion that all the
uncles, aunts aud cousins Of the poor Gov
ernment clerks should also receive pen
sions1
y. Are you willing for your superiors to
draw fat salaries do nothing lord il over
you, borrow a ten or twenty from you every
month and never pay it back, and if luck
goes against them at the races or stud-horse
poker to divvy up between drinks9
0. Do you think that the Civil Service
system is the grandest system under the
sun; that the Civil Service Commissioners
are immaculate, and that Grover Cleveland
never made mistake in his life and is the
superior Of George Washington?
The humor Of Mr.. Howard in compiling
the foregoing is in the next page turned in
TO wrath and denunciation as he describes
some phases Of Washington official life
Hear him describe the assignation houses of
the city. The mistress of the place is an
ex.department clerk and for years the mis-.
tress of an official who finally cast her of.
Mr.. Howard introduces Congressman Madi-
son ana hlh tIleuu lnuS.
They found her in one Of her gayest
moods. To Congressman Madison's greet
ing, she replied:
Mr. Madison, it has been long time
since ! saw you. l was just thinking Of
you and Of the days when ! was a little
girl aud you were so kind to me remem.
Der the feeling Of awe with which I re-
garded you the FIRST time you came to my
l.
your knee and told me about the Capitol
the President, and the White House But
you have forgotten to introduce your friend.
All, Mr. Harcourt, am delighted to know
you. You haven't been in the city long
have your"
Not a great while
well, you must come around and see
me often, for like your appearance, and
an introduction by Mr.. Madison is a sufi-
cient passport for you here, I am sure
You see. none but select people come 10 my
place. Mostly Senators and Congressmen
and high officials. If I allowed just any
one to come, they would not patronize me,
as they want to keep very shady about
what they do. Oh yes mine is a flourish.
ing trade Il never is dull except during
portions Of the summer when my patrons
are out Of town, but while Congress is in
session am crowded with customers No,
there are no ladies' in the house Such
thing would not be tolerated in a high
toned boarding house. I would not stoop
to run a vulgar house Of prostitution by any
means. ] suppose you wonder who comes
here, and rightly guess that if these walls
could speak they could a tale unfold, aud
Indeed they could. Of course, never give
away state secrets, but as I know Mr. Madi-
son TO be an honorable man, and to give
you some insight into the ways Of our great
statesmen, will arrange 1t so you can see
the visitors as they come and 60 It is
early yet, as my friends do not begin to ar
rive until at least an hour later. and while
we are waiting, If you are agreeable. we
will have some wine' Over the wine she
grew very talkative, and there was in her
light laugh, something Of almost girlish
pleasure Now, gentlemenis not this nice
and cozy, a comfortable home like place. a
snug parlor, a cheerful FIRE, elegant carpets.
beautifully upholstered furniture in fact,
everything to make one happy, aud it is so
geuieel, too, because only genteel people
come here Did you know Mr. Madison.