davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
don't quite understand
Classical Dissertation.

Asked what he thought of the ocean
on his return from the seashore, the
Billville citizen replied:
well, sir, lit went further than any
mill pond ever seen, an 'peared to
be 'erbout as rough an quarrelsome as
what the old woman is when stays
out late o. nights" !"-Atlante Consti
tuition.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
With Cuts.

'Your trouble probably arose from
some forgotten confusion, whereby an
irritation was caused which communi-
Gated itself to the"
20 cut all that out!" interrupted the
other, impatiently.
But I was going to explain" said
the surgeon, what caused the cancer
Gus growth"
"Cut that out, too, doctor!" exclaim.
ed the patient
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
A Swift BoW-Wow

Smith-"What did Jones do with
that watch dog he paid 500 for?'
Brown-"Sold him for $2."
Smith-"Why did he do that?"
Brown-"A tramp came along one
day and stole SO collar from his
neck" Chicago News.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Not ImpossibIe.

"You say thc defendant then execut-
cd a backdown. Are those the words
lou used?" asked the lawyer, who was
badgering the witness.
Eyes, sir" answered the witness.
Il would like to have you inform
me how a man can execute a back
down."
well, sir, he could hang his head,
couldn't he?" said the witness,
fiercely.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Next Morninq.

Police Magistrate-What is the
charge against the prisoner, officer?"
Oficer-"Ignorance, your honor"
Police Magistrate te-"Ignorance!"
Oficer-"Yes. He didn't know Le
was loaded" d."-Chicago News.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
The Doctors Bill.

"I've come to pay my BILL" said the
patient. "One hundred and ten dol.
lars. I believe"
"Yes," said DR.. Price Price, max
ing a total OF $112."
II don't quite understand"
THAT brings it up to date, including
to-day. My charge for office visits,
you lSnow, is $2."
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Hard Luck.

Il hear your. mother-in-laW had q
narrow escape from death yesterday.
Il :.'Yes, I seem to have been born IN
der an evil star; my best. dog was run
over and killed at the same time, '':s=, '..s 4
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

would you like to trade your mule
for this autemobi1e?" asked the face.
tious tourist. ~'
mo, suh," answered Erastus Pink.
ley. "Ef a mule gifts contrar:', you
kin allus depen' on him to- move
when he gifts hungry. But when a
automobile balks, de case is hopeless" )"
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Logical.

Bridget-Oi can't stay, ma'am, on
less ye give me more wages.
Mrs. Hiram Often-What! Why, you
don't know how to cook or do house
work at all.
Bridget-That's jist it, ma'am, an
not KNOWN how, sure the wurk is all
the harder for me, ma'am.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Geoqraphicai Horrt

Geographical Horror.
Rivers Cooking at his watch)-
'Are you Hungry"
Brooks-"Yes, SIAM"
Rivers -"Well, come along. I'll
Ffji."-Judge.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
II Puzzled Him.

"We give the savage rainy day
skirt for his wife.
Tell me-" he ventures, timidly,
"does this indicate that we are gradu-
ally being brought up to your standard
of dress or that you are gradually
coming down to ours?"
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Ladies Can Wear Shoes

One size smaller after using Aliens
Foot-Ease, a powder. 1t makes tight
or new shoes easy. Cures swollen, hot,
sweating, aching, feet, ingrowing nails.
torns and burions. All druggists and
shoe stores, Csc. Trial package FREE
by mail. Address Allen S. Olmsted,
Leroy, N. Y.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Four Hearts That Reot

II don't like double weddings" said
the girl, "for the same reason that I
don't like three-ringed circuses. There
is too much to, look at all at once
New York Evening Sun.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

A NEGLECTED COLD AND COUGH
leads to pneumonia and consumption. Take
Coles Cough Cure as soon as your cough
begins and few doses will cure you. Your
money back it it doesn't help you. Is and
SO cents at druggists.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Popular, at Least.

Scribbles- you think that a
good joke of mine I read to you last
night?"
Miss Cut-"I dare say it is good:
know it's very popular, because I've
read it in the newspapers for years.
Ohio State Journal
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

Book agent-Thfs book, sir. will tell
you how to keep bugs from your pota-
toes, how to rid your barn of rats
Uncle Eben-You amt got no book
that tells you how to rid q farm Nv
book agints, hev yer?
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
A Real Joke.

II hope, Mr.: Starrbarder," said the
smiling landlady, that you are satis-
fed with the table," : -;s. 49,. .
Indeed, am, Miss Scrimpen. These
prunes are delicious, and If you please.
ma'am, believe I'll take another Of
those luscious chicken WINGS" x
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

To Cure q Cold In One day. ~%-s
Take Laxative Bromo Quinine Tablets. All
druggists refund money IL it fails to cure 25c
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Regret.

Mamma-Why, Willie, you asked
for two pieces Of candy, and you got
them. Aren't you satisfled?" 8" 3
Willie-No'm, amt. YOU gave up
80 easy I'm Jest kickin' meself cause
] didn't asst you for more. 7
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

Bad blood and indigestion are deadly
enemies to good health. Burdock Blood
Bitters destroys them.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Exception.

'This talk about inventions bein'
Injurious to labor is all nonsense"
said convict No. ISL.
why so?" asked the guard
Because it is. A patent burglar
alarm wuz the cause O. me gittin' five
years. ut hard labor"
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
SALLIES OF TESTERS
TWO COLUMNS OF THE. BEST
ANTIDoTE FOR THE BLUES.

Mr.. Henry Peck Turns at Last
Ownership Of the Dog Made q lm-
mense Observation-Disclosures tor
6icyclists. -.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

pitation, headache, and nervounell
passes away; swelling Of the limbs
and dropsy signs vanish. They co.
rect urine with brick dust sedime,3,
high colored, excessive, pain in pa-
ing, dribbling, and frequency. Thess
pills dissolve and remove calcui and
gravel. They are free to readers q
this paper for q few days. Cut on
coupon, fill address plainly, and mil
Foster -Milburn Co., Buffalo. N. Y.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Misch:evous Caterpilla

Misch:evous Caterpillars.
First Caterpillar-"See that sweet
girl down there in the hammock"
Second Caterpillar-"Yes."
First Caterpillar jump on
her neck!"
And they did.-Ohio State journal.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

: Ls, Mrs. Soothing syrup 81.
For children teethtng, sofens the gums, reduces In
aammaton. .allays pain. cures wind coic. sc bottle
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

"A bucket OF whitewash. usually goes
with each political investig igation. Y" J.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
1 Certainly 4 Clever Man. n

55i Is he good lawyer. & $ :5s.5. 81
'A Al good Law yer! Why, say! TVS
known him Il, prove the truth of swvhat
isn't 50. and not half =
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

attack Of Group if you don't have DR..
Thomas Electric Oil on hand for the
omorRoDcY,
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

Paradoxical though it may seem, it is
hard to touch close man.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
She Miqht.

she wight.
Il wonder If she regrets her mar
riage?"
why should she?"
well, you know they're both liter
ary, and now her husband thinks him.
self entitled to every bright idea she
has"
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Failed to Scare Him,

His Medical Adviser You won't last
long at this rate, young man. 6 You
are burning, the candle At both ends.
Gayboy-Very well, doctor. When
the candle Is burnt out I'll light the
gas. it'd -. =. a IL. ssa 5ss #:{ ~
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

The weakest saint on his knees is too
strong for the devil. T.. - + I
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

!. 1do not believe Piso's Cure for Consumption
has % equal for coughs and colds. -JoHN u
BoYER Trinity Springs, Ind Feb. IS. 1900
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

lono q ifasof a Cock a*11,1,s g

I'm IN A A COG ckatoo IN 81 far:off zcountr was
. cheerful z Old pet when he was eighty.
i've Yeara old s..
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
Dazzling Opportunity.

The professional mountain climb.
er's foot slipped when he was near the
summit, and he started for the plain
below by the shortest and most direct
route.
GOSH" he exclaimed, as he went
humping from rock to rock. If l live
to reach the bottom what a story this
will make for the magazines!"
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

Halls Cafarrh Cure 4, 52H
IL a constitutional cure. Price, 75 cents
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

Truth is the simplest Of all virtues; it
requires neither study nor art.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
"WsW ihenry!"

Mrs.. 11enry Peck 6 a. m.)-Oh,
Henry, I'm afraid If I go to sleep /
shall never wake up again.
Mr.. Peck-For heavens sake, go to
sleep!
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

MINNEAPOLIS.
Metropolitan Opera House.
Chauncy Olcott in "Old Limerick
Town"
Bijou Opera House.
Rose Melville in isis Hopkins"
Dewey Theatre
City Club Burlesquers.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

A5square man IS seldom q rounder.ts
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18

As It Seemed.
What's his business?"
"Everybody's. 's."-Detroit Free Press.
The Cook County herald., 1902-10-18
TWIN CITY THEATRES.

Attractions for Week Commencing
unday Sept. 18th, 1902.
ST. PAUL.
Metropolitan Opera House.
Way Down East.
Grand Opera House.
Her Marriage Vow.
Star Theatre.
Trocadero Burlesquers.
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15
Imperial Farming.

Judge Sullivan of Witch Creek Is in the city today. says the San Diego Sun. He has been spending consid- erable time in the desert country about Calexico, recently. and says that section is coming to the front as farming region.
 He states emphatically that if there is any alkali, it is not in large enough quantities to do any harm. month ago there were crops or par ley standing four feet high. Last season one man averaged eight tons of sorghum to the acre for one crop, receiving $5.50 per ton for the prod uct, which certainly makes profitable farming.
 Returning officers from Imperial report great deal of proposed i'm provement at that townsite, which IS to be made the commercial center or the desert settlement A domestic wa ter supply under pressure will be one of the first improvements and an elec- tric lighting and refrigerating plant will also be put into operation. The work will be pushed through rapidly and it is expected that the work Will be completed by next summer.
 Work on the railroad line from I'm perial to Flowing Wells is also to be gin very soon The Southern Pacific Company have not given final assur- ance that the branch will be built, but arrangements for grading have been made, the work to begin in 30 days, in case that the railroad com pany should decide not to run the line at once.
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15
Resources of Southern California.

], n. Lynch. for years prominent newspaper man and writer of South ern California. having written more good material regarding the re- sources of this southern country than any other man that ever lived here, has just established bright monthly paper under the heading of Resources of Southern California. That paper should have a circulation up in the thousands. Business men could well afford to put up from $10 to SlJ0 each to pay for annual sub scriptions to this valuable monthly to send to the East, or anywhere else where they may have friends to read it. Ten thousand dollars thus spent by some of our leading citizens would send 10000 copies where they would do an immense amount of good to this country. besides showing appre- citation to man who has done so much to make these same business men successful in their undertak- ings. Our banks contain millions of wealth today that would not be there had it not been for the writings of ]. n. Lynch. and Southern Califor- nia contains thousands of people who have been brought here by the same influence. and Los Angeles county constitutes Congressional District all by itself because MT. Lynch has been instrumental in bringing the people here to make this district necessity.
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15

went and at once wrote largely of all this delightful country in newspaper and book, and recovered his health and lived under his own vine and fig tree for nearly thirty years.
 Since that time have made forty two trips across the continent, and visited all or nearly all the States and Territories in the Union. l have experienced the winter seasons of Florida Louisiana and Texas; of Palestine, Algeria, Egypt, Morocco, Spain and the Rivieras of Hong Kong Yokohama and Honolulu. In all these countries. as we'll as in all the lead ing cities of Europe and the United States l have come across thousands of travellers who have visited Los Angeles. and they all pronounced our city and it's surroundings the most delightful and enticing section of all l have even heard thousands of them say to those less nomadic:
 You must go to Los Angeles."
 Tens of thousands of greatly charmed visitors who have wintered in our midst. and who have also vis- ited Pasadena, Long Beach. Santa Monica. Redondo, Riverside, Red lands, Mount Lowe and San Diego, have returned to their cold and un- congenial climes and made arrange ments to come back and remain per manently. and have advised other tens of thousands to do the same Raymond X Whitcomb, the agents of the Santa Fe and Southern Pacific Railroads, Frank Wiggins and others who have managed exhibits at East ern and European eXpositions, and distributed millions of truthful read ing matter about our country; return ing Knights Templar, Grand Army of
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15

windows every one of those radiant February mornings. every simmer and beam a seeming embrocation; calculations from Agripina and Gas tilian roses and jasmine and helio-
 rope perfumed my apartment: the song birds warbled their sweetest notes, and there came zephyrs from the murmuring Pacific laden with the spices from far-off Cathay. l had already travelled quite extensively in Florida and Louisiana, where mock ing-birds. magnoias and citrus offer ings abound and had experienced some of the natural beauties of Eu
 rope and Cuba. But these lovely countries were all eclipsed by the in- comparable City of the Angels.
 kept my pen busy for a year or more afterwards with rosy descrip- tions of Los Angeles and other DOT tions of Southern California in letters to the San Francisco Bulletin and New York 1imes; and during my three years residence at the Occi- dental hotel 1 repeated what J. Ross Browne had said to me in '67 to every Fastener who asked me about the southern part of the State, not for getting Mir Boyle's stunning elixir and the dainty little maiden who soon afterwards married Billy. now Uncle Billy" Workman; nor the Wolfskill orange orchard of 2000 trees and the blossoming senorita that dwelt amidst those domes of everlasting leafage. and whose fair hand was sought by many and finally bestowed upon an Apollo named Sheppard; of old man Keller and his lemon trees: of Sansevain and his Cucamonga wines of General Banning and his big hay stack, bigger than anything
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15

in the country, except the latch-string at his door: of Don Benito Wilson, the humanitarian and philosopher of Lake Vineyard; of Colonel F.. J. C.. Kewen. the Hotspur of Fl Molino; of General Volney E. Howard, the chi valrous knight of San Gabriel; of Billy Pridham, then, as now, stead fast. agreeable and debonair of the gallant young Herman w. Hellman, who was always ready to hitch up "Old Me- and take genteel stranger to drive of Vince Hoover. whose fine old golden nectar from grapes of octogenarian vines, made aeolian music as it gurgled from dusty and cobwebby fiasks; of Mrs. Whites, where one might dance all night and go home with the girls in the morn ing; and of the birds. and the flowers, and the sunshine; and I always wound up with:
 You must go to Los Angeles!"
 One day I met an old New York newspaper friend of mine named Charles Nordhoff. who said he had been given a long vacation by James Gordon Bennett, and that my Califor- mia letters in the Times had brought him to the Pacific Coast; and he asked me where he should go after leaving San Francisco. And there was my chance again. It did not oc- cur to me that he would write a book, or even letters to the New York Herald. I only thought of his pleas ure and possible recuperation, and l eXclaimed
 You must go to Los Angeles"
 And then 1 got off my old panoramic declamation again. throwing in a ma iestic earth giant here and an alluring arroyo there. and setting my joyous description to the treble of his glow ing imagination; and away he rapidly
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15

the Republic veterans, Armour and Marshall Field and hundreds of other nabobs, who have come in their pri- vate cars and wintered in our midst, have glorified our county in raptur- ous way and said to many tens of thousands:
 You must go to Los Angeles!"
 And when l look about me, and see the magnifcence of our architecture, our churches and schools, our ship ments of oranges and other fruits our big newspapers, our growing in dustries of all kinds, and behold a hundred and twenty thousand pros porous and contented people, where there were only twelve thousand twenty years ago. and multitudes still coming, I am constrained to be- lieve that every returned tourist IS everlastingly shouting:
 "You must go to Los Angeles!
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15
Irrigation, Land and Improvement Co.,.

J. E. Ludy, the general manager of the Irrigation, Land and Improve ment Company of Yuma, was in the city yesterday. MT. Ludy says they have completed eight miles of their gravity canal and turned in the water from the Colorado River. This canal was opened to supply water to all the principal lands in the valley, when the laterals are run out. The next move will be to extend the canal across the line into Sonora. where there are a million acres of land cap able of irrigation.
 Mr Ludy is as enthusiastic as ever over the enterprise of his company, and it's future, and we'll he might be, for his canal covers the finest and most productive lands in the United States-Tucson Star.
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15

The California Water and Forest Association has for it's motto, Moisture Means Millions" That motto is all right. The only way to improve it would be to add one more word and make it read, Moist ure Means Many Millions"
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15

The valley of the Nile supports 54S people to the square mile, the valley of the Pc nearly 300, the Cottonwood Creek district in Utah over 300, and the great California valley about 20.
Imperial press and farmer., 1902-03-15

The Sacramento River discharges enough water in year to irrigate thirteen million acres.
Idaho Springs siftings., 1902-08-30
Meeting Of Redmen

While the crowd was not as large as
anticipated, the Red Men held most
enthusiastic meeting last Saturday.
Early in the morning Old Sol became
angry and refused to smile, and long
before it was time for people to be up
ing.
Elaborate arrangements had been
made for the entertainment of a large
number of people who We're expected
to be in attendance, and although
many We're here, a greater majority of
those who intended participating in the
festivities decided upon remaining at
home
In all there were nearly 200 warriors
in our city. They We're met at the de
pot by members of the order and the
idaho Springs brass band. 1t had been
intended that a parade should take
place at l 30 in the afternoon, but ow-
ing to the inclemency of the weather
this was done away with.
a meeting of all members of the Wis
iting Red Men. and also those of Blaz-
ing Arrow Tribe of this city, was held
in ElSs hall. for the purpose of organ
izing district association. The tribes
represented We're as follows: Nevada
vile. Black Hawk, Silver Plume,
Georgetown, Empire and Idaho Springs
The meeting was called to order by
Grand Keeper of Records J. \. Holm
Idaho Springs siftings., 1902-08-30

berg, who in Il few brief words stated
Classen, one of the best known. most
popular and most enthusiastic workers
of the Idaho Springs tribe, was. by
unanimous vote, elected president of
the association, and Louis Oliver was
elected secretary.
The principal work outlined at the
present time for the new association.
is to make suitable arrangements for
the meeting of the great council which
is to be held in Idaho Springs in 1903.
The meeting was addressed by Hon.
John Trathen, mayor of the city. Mr..
Trathen was feeling at his best and
his remarks were received amid much
applause. He welcomed the visitors
to this city and told them to go and do
just as they pleased. All voted that
the honorable mayor was a jolly good
fellow, and We're loud in their praise
of the treatment received while in the
city.
In the evening dance was given at
the Trocadero, at which nearly 100
couples were present. The orchestra
was increased from four to eight
pieces, and from early evening until
early morn, the Indians could be heard
for many blocks.
Special trains came from all direc-
tions. and, taken all in all. the affair
was a success.
Idaho Springs siftings., 1902-08-30

from the various hotels. These she
would pack to her home. put them in
boxes and store them away. She was
never known to cook a meal. but sub
sisted on the stuff she collected.
The woman will be taken to George
town in the morning by Sheriff Sand
berg. and on Monday will be tried in
the County Court on the charge of in
sanity.
Mrs. Brown at one time was a resi-
dent of Denver, and it is said was the
wife of well-to-do- business man. At
ter her husbands death. which oc-
Cured during the panic. she lost much
of her property. 1t is reported that she
was the owner of five houses in the
capital city. and that her wealth was
estimated at 100000.
The woman was taken to George
town Monday morning and was tried
before Judge Crist of the County
Court. The evidence was not suffi-
cient to warrant sending her to the
State Asylum and upon instructions
from the judge she was acquitted by
the jury.
No one believes for a moment that
Mrs. Brown is capable of looking after
herself in the proper manner, but ow-
ing TO the fact that the jury could not
view the premises, the case was nat
urally weak.
The city officials will see that the
woman is removed from the place
been many complaints received of late
concerning the place and it is deemed
best that the property should receive
thorough cleaning.
Idaho Springs siftings., 1902-08-30
Premises Will Be Cleaned


Mrs. Josephine Brown, better known
as Mother" Brown, well-known
character about the city, was taken
into custody Saturday afternoon,
charged with insanity.
Shortly after she had been placed in
Jail, pending the arrival of the train
which was to take her to Georgetown.
the aged woman asked that she be al
purpose of securing what money she
had.
The request was granted, and with
Joseph l. Coddington. her attorney,
and Marshal O'Rourke, she was driven
to her house. which is on the outskirts
of the city. Upon her arrival she went
into the room. lifted a board from the
floor and picked up a sack of money.
At that time the gentlemen did not
know how much she had, but later on
it developed that she had large sum
of money.
For some time past the old lady had
been in poor health, and a short time
ago the attention of the city authorities
was called to this fact Chief
O'Rourke made an investigation and
found that Mrs. Brown was living in
filth. The house in which she lived
had not been swept in months, and she
used her bedroom as a chicken coop.
The woman seemed to take especial
delight in gathering all the rubbish she
could get her hands on. The yard sur
rounding is a curiosity. 1t is packed
full of old debris, such as boxes, bar
rels, etc.
Every day Mrs. Brown would make