Sunday Washington globe., 1902-04-06

The way to a mans heart, the cynical
weman cries, is through his stomach.
Another person has declared, tell me
what you eat and I'll tell you what you
are" There are elements of truth in both
these statements.
If we're asked what kind Of mortal the
average Washington man is ! would
uuhesitatingly rise up in my white
'cravat aud declare him to be a
being with the digestive apparatus
of goat, the capacity Of a cormoraut and
the absence Of taste characteristic of prim-
itive man. am led to stigmatize my fell
low dweller in the City of Graft thus as a
natural result of long period of lunch room
going For years lunch rooms have aour-
ished like green bay trees in this city and
there have been plenty OF misguided
creatures to do them reverence.
The pToprietors of these digestion assassi.
majors have adopted the motto, Give them
anything, but be sure to get their money"
The poor downtrodden department clerk
with only half an hour TO eat his lunch has
patronized these atrocious places for the
very excellent reason that notlGng better or
cheaper was known tofhim.
Day after dav men with small excuse for
a stomach have undergone the torture of
eating india rubber sandwiches iulaid with
pressed horse palmed of on them as
ham" A substance compounded Of con-
crete and filled with various indescribable
mixtures has been placed before them in
response to their request for pie" In
these queer chambers of torture a liquid re-
sembling Potomac water after heavy rain
and mixed with baked beans and peanut
bulls has been presented to each victim
and facetiously termed coffee"
One Of these relics Of the inquisition
boasts a slot machine containing pills for
che liver What more appropriate thing
could grace a place of the kind2 Men whose
vitality seems to have been abstracted by a
vampire crawl into these luncheries and
partake of large doses of the horrible things
mentioned. These individuals stagger home
at night feeling fit for the grave They
complain of being "over-worked' and
bilious" and other things Ve GodsI do
not these creatures know that they are the
victims Of that horror in human form, the
luucherie mani
A sad tale has reached my ears Of one of
these lunch chronics. II seems some years
ago he was a lunch room 6eud Having
occasion to go West he felt sick after his
arrival there. Two years after his de-
parture from Washington he became so viO-
lently ILL., the doctor proposed an opera
tion. Il was performed. What do you
think they found in this mans insides?
They removed at first what the surgeons
pronounced a piece Of asphalt, but the state
chemist after careful and long examina-
tiou discovered the word ''mince" stamped
on the substance. So it happened that this
unfortunate man had been carrying a piece
of Washington made pie in his interior for
Two years
But take hope, fellow citizens. CASTRO.
nomic Moses has arisen to lead US back to
civilized food and reason.
Unheralded and unsung this master Of the
art of cooking threw open his shutters not
so long since on a prominent street and in
vited the public to taste his wares-for a
consideration
His prices were reasonable and his estab-
lishmeut bore the traces Of refinement and
gentility. Some pretty girls entered, and
as they slipped deliciously Favored coffee
their blue eyes opened with the thrill Of sat
isfaction. They tried pie and cakes and
bread and all these, one after the other,
were pronounced works Of art Some
biaSe men passing and seeing the afore-
said beauties slipping their coffee with such
grace and coutentment essayed to enter
also. They, too, were conquered by the
wares in the charming baker shop And so
Il has transpired that modest man has
arisen to fame through his culinary art
and more than one heart beats normally as
1he result of his scientific recipes. Instead
OF giving the people any thing and taking
their money. he has made It his ambition
20 secure chefs whose art is as high as
Ruben's or Michael Angeles He is a
public benefactor for he charges reason.
ably for his wares, improves digestion and
besides teaches many mother " no lunches
at his place just how food should be pre-.
pared for eating
Day after day, at noon and up to two
O'Clock and after, the beauty and wealth
of the city sit democradcally on small
stools and Dartake of lunches which for
charm have no equal The young ladies'
who wait on the customers are polite. The
young ladies are pretty More beauty can
be seen IN this luncherie at noon any day
than can be found at White House recep-
tiou.
The remarkable patronage accorded-no
I couldn't mention his name, others would
teel hurt-any way his immense business
IS an object lesson 70 business men and
young men beginning life. Il means that
merit pays best in the end, aud that to
make money aud at the same time give full
value for every cent received of the Gus
toner. Is a method of procedure earnestly
recommended TO commercial shysters
Long may our Lucullus Of the lunch
dwell in our midst, and may the outraged
digestious Of Washington seek his place
with all the reverence Of one approach
ing holy shrine.
Before considering the latest outbreak ia
the administration block house against
General Miles it will not be inappropriate
to briefly examine the question Of eligibility
TO Office.
We have an example Of an ex-corporatiof
lawyer acting as An authority on military
matters. OF course II is patent that wha
Root doesn't know about military affairs 4
gained from a soldier Of many campaigns
an authority on hunting, rough riding an'
hill climbing. RoOsevelts coaching OF hi
ex-corpOration lawyer friend has resulte,
in that great iegat iuminarys maguifed ide
of his own knowledge Of war Just why th
American Republic should accept as tru