davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
OFFICIAL COUNTY PAPER
FRIRAY. AUGUST 20, 1902
HUMOR OF THE HOUR
The Kind He Wanted.

81 want to look at some dining room
tables" said the customer.
"Yes, sir" said the clerks ".We have
some very fine mes. Now. here is an
unusually pretty table. very cheap
too"
"Can you play pingpong on it?"
well, why, to tell you the truth, sir,
this table is not suitable for pingpong."
II didn't ask you whether it was suit
able or not. I asked you whether or
not you could play pingpong on it."
"Well no, sir; you can't"
mo way to stick in an extra board
or to put patent ixings to the round
corners or anything like that?"
mo, sir; it would be impossible to
arrange this particular table so that
the game of pingpong could be played
on it, but
"That's all right. III take this table.
Send it right up. You see, l wanted to
make sure."-Chicago Tribune.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
AstOunded the Editor.

Editor S. A. Brown, of Benefits
vile, S. c., was once immensely
surprised" Through long suffering
from dyspepsia. "he writes, "my
wife was greatly run down. She
had no strength Or yigor and suffered
great distress from her stomach,
but she tried Electric Bitters which
helped her at once, and after using
four bottles, she is entirely we'll and
can eat anything. lisa grand tonic,
and its gentle laxative qualities are
splendid for torpid liver" For
indigestion, loss of appetite, stomach
and Liver troubles it's a positive
guaranteed cure Only SOC. at s.. II.
Scallin's.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Donkels In Mexico.

There are tive classes Of donkeys In
Mexico-one with four feet and the
other with two. Each is a kind of
competitor of the other. Sometimes
they are partners. They are both
bearers Of burdens and the subjects Of
brutality. Everywhere you see the
donkey loaded down with sacks of ore,
baskets of dirt. cans of milk, sacks Of
water, end you find his driver very
often loaded in the same way. These
combinations sometimes go two by
two, and sometimes there will be a
band of ten to fifty thus loaded, COM
ing down the mountains with ore,
charcoal or wood, cor o whatever
may be needed in the villages or cities.
1t is indeed a medieval life in middle
and southern Mexico.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
M OF H HOUR
Had an idea.

81 have an idea," said the young maj
who is always having strange ideas
"as to how n can tell which party
u 8 matrimonial alliance has the
bruins, the ability, the force. by the
children"
"Yes?" commented the other quietly,
"Sure. Show me u family where all
the children are boys, and I'll show you
a man who is the forceful one-the
brains of the family"
"Yes?" still quietly.
Dead certain! I've made a study OF
five looked up particular families,
If you find all girls, the woman is real.
ly the head of the family. She is the
one who really manages things. al
though she may be a quiet little wo
man for all that"
Eyes" He was really very meek.
"By the way. you're married, l BE-
lieve|
Eyes"
"Any children"
"Two. Both girls"
".Ohr!'
And then the conversation AZ oped
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
pfckpockets and Pins,

Artful as the ways of the Heather
Chinee are the lodges Of the expert
picker of pockets. The other night a
young lady who had been to the thea
ter was getting OF to a tram car, and,
knowing the possibilities opened up to
the light fingered gentry by a crowd,
she kept her hand in her pocket and
grasped her purse firmly. Suddenly
she felt a sharp prick as from a pin on
her hand and, acting on the impulse,
let go her hold Of the purse and
snatched her hand out, almost as quick
~ returning it, but she was too late.
In the few seconds that had elapsed
another hand had been there, and the
purse was gone.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Mrs. Henderson's Husband.

In the Gramercy park boarding house
It was generally recognized that Mrs
Henderson was the head Of the Hen.
derson family, but it remained TO,
Bridget to voice the opinion.
lis Mr.. Henderson in?" a caller in.
CURED one evening when all were gath.
cred in the front parlor.
"IIl see," said Bridget.
A minute later she returned.
Mrs. Henderson's husband isn't in
Sir" she said loud enough for all to
hear.
And ever since the boarding house
has called him "Mrs. Henderson's hus.
band"
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
A Cure For Cholera Infantum.

Last May" says Mrs. Curtis Bak.
er, of Bookwalter, Ohio, "an infant
child OF our neighbours was suffering
from cholera infantum. The doctor
had given up all hopes of recovery.
l took a bottle Of Chamberlain's Col
lc, Cholera and Diarrhoea Remedy
to the house, telling them I felt sure
it would do good if used according
to directions. In two days time the
child had fully recovered, and is now
(nearly a year since) a vigorous
healthy girl. I have recommended
this remedy. frequently and have
never known it to fail in any single
instance" For sale by L. o. Gale,
druggist.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
'The Original Gray ,Jackas..n

Before the battle of Waterloo there
was an inn at that village called the
Gray Jackass. After the downfall of
Napoleon as the result Of that battle
the i%nnkeeper changed his sign to the
Duke of Wellington, to his own dis.
comhture. A rival took advantage of
the change and set up the Gray jack
ass, whereby he took away the bust.
ness from the Duke Of wellington
Inc result was the substitution of the
title This is the original Gray Jack
ass" for the inscription beneath the
Duke Of Wellington's portrait.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Unnecessarily CrueI,

"And did you have your maid incar-
cerated for stealing your jewels?'
asked Mrs. Oldcastle.
"Oh, my, no! Josiah "a reading to
me the other night about the way q
mans body was incarcerated at one Of
them crematory places because he
made them promise to do it before he
died, but I'd v think Of treating a
person that way for just stealing."-
Chicago Record Herald.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Very Polite.

Here's an account Of a man." said
Mrs. Gadsby, "who hasn't spoken a
to his wife in three years."
That's rather a rigid adherence to
one of the rules Of politeness," said
Gadsby.
RULES of politenessw said Mrs.
Gadsby in a scornful tone.
Yes; never interrupt a lady; when
she is talking"
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Cancers, Tumors, Goiter, Fistula, Plk

varicocele and enlarged glands with
the simultaneous injection method
absolutely without pain and without the
loss OF a drop of blood, is one of his v
discoveries, and is the most really
scientific and certainly sure cure OF tne
nineteenth century. No incuraDle
cases taken. Consultation to those
interested, $l.0O.
DR.. DORIAN, ,
Minneapolis, MINI. Boston Block
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Why She Defeated 1t.

again" complains the devoted wife,
II am told that you have been flirting
with that odious Miss Mashem on the
piazza"
bah" retorts the gay husband.
thinking to riducule the suspicious Of
his wife. Bah" he repeats.
1T isn't so bad" asserts the wife,
"for a mar to be guilty. but what l de-
test is when he acts so sheepish about
tt."-Baltimore American.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

Time to Cut Ter.
II must quit being seer with that
Mrs. Flippleigh," she said.
"My dear" her husband answered,
sim glad to hear you say that. You
know she's been divorced twice. and
really l don't believe her husbandf
were altogether to blame"
"Oh, it isn't that so much, but l sus
pect that she trimmed the shirt waist
and hat she wears herself."-ChicaRs
Record-Herald,
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Modifying.

Il am afraid, Bobby" said his moth.
er, that when tell your father what
a naughty boy you've been he will pun.
ish you severely"
Have you got to tell him?" asked
Bobby earnestly.
"Oh, yes; l shall tell him immediate.
ly after dinner"
The look Of concern on Bobby's face
deepened.
well. mother" said he, give him q
better dinner than usual. You might
do that much for me."-Pittsburg Dis.
patch.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
MITCHELL,
FRIDAY,AUGUST2
Hours: 9 q. m. to 3 p. m.
Hotel Mitchell,
Retul ming every month. Consult him
while the opportunity is at hand.

DR.. DORAN has no superior in diagnosing and
areatlng diseases n def0rmities. He will give
sou TOT any case that he cannot tell the diseases
and where located in five minutes.
All durable medical and surgical diseases, acute
and chronic ca.arrh, and Special diseases Of tho
rye, Ear, Nose and Throat. Lung diseases. EstJ
CONSUMPTION. Bronchitis, Bronchial CatarrA
constitutional Catarrh, Dyspepsia, Sick Head.
ache, Stomach and Bowel Troubles. Rheumatism,
neuralgia. Sciatica, Bright's Disease, Diabetes
Kidney, Liver. Bladder, Prostate and Femsk
Diseases, Dizziness. Nervousness. indigestion
obesity, Interrupted Nutrition, Slow growth u
Chlldren, n all wasting diseases In adults
many cases of Deafness, Ringing in the Ears
Loss OF Eyesight, Cataract, Cross Eyes, etc:, ina
nave been Improperly treated or neglected, cay
pc easily restored. DeformitieS, Club Fes
Curvature Of the Spine, Diseases Of the Brain
Paralysis. Epilepsy, Heart Disease, Dropsyrr SEsI !.
ing Of the Limbs, Structure, Open Sores. PAN ID
tne Bones, Granular Enlargements and all long
standing diseases properly treated. Young, mla,
die-aged and old, single or married men ana aa
VINO surfer from lost manhood, nervous deollH'
spermatorrhea, seminal losses, sexual decay
railing memory, weak eyes, stnnted development,
lack OF energy, Impoverished blood, pimples, Id
pediments to marriage, also blood and skin 1 d.
eases, Syphilis, Eruptions, Hair Failing. Boa y
Palns, SWellings, Sore Throat, Ulcers, e1eG u y
mercury, Kidney and Bladder troubles, WEI
BACK, Burning Urine, passing urine 700 oltsu,
Gonorrhoea. elect, Structure, receive searching
treatment, prompt relief and cure for life.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
The Musk Or.

In systematic zoology the place &C.
corded to the musk OK is intermediate
between those Of the sheep (oyis) and
the OK (bos), and for it's special accom-
mediation a new genus has been ere
ated, "ovlbos." Most writer's notice its
resemblance in many ways to the buff
falo or bison. and it undoubtedly has
much affinity with this species.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
A Story of Charlie. Reade

so oAhHAee 1Aeducs
Charles Matthews was fond of telling
a story of Charles Reade when the cur
tain fell at the old Queens theater in
London on q pronounced failure called
"a White Lie" There was no shadow
OF a call for the author. The curtain
divided the audience from the author,
who stood on the stage shaking his fist
at the invisible foe, still smiling bland
" and in melliduous accents saying:
Internal idiots! When shall I teach
you to respect Charles Reade?"-Lon.
don Telegraph.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

A short Cut to sleep.

doctor" said he. "I'm a victim Of
insomnia. l can't sleep if there's the
least noise, such as a cat on the gar
den wall, for instance"
This powder will be effective" re-
Piled the physician, after compound
ing a prescription.
when do I take it, doctor?"
"Iou don't take it. Give it to the
cat in a little milk."-Family Doctor.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
The Snare.

Daughter-I have an Invitation to
the theater and have no chaperon.
Mother-You must have one, of
course, OF you shan't 60. It's from,Nr.
Sdmpurse, I suppose?
mo. It's from Mr.. Fatpurse."
"Um-neyer mind about the chap
eron."-Tit-Bits
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Putting Him Off.

He proposed on his way home from
church II Sunday evening. She was
too young to marry and did not want
him, but she said "Yes,"swith the stip-
ulation that he should get her fathers
consent. The young man was happy
until he discovered the next day that
his adored ones father had been dead
several years.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Thoughtful of the Children.

II suppose" said Mr.. Odds, eff 1 were
to start smoking again 1t would set the
children a bad example,"
1T would, indeed" replied his wife.
ITS thoughtful and unselish of you
to consider that"
Eyes; SO I've decided to send the chill
dren right off to boarding school, where
they won't see delphia
Press.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

Husband examining railway ticket
Why. according to the announcement
on this excursion ticket it's only good
for ten days.
Wife-Well. why complain of that.
It's a good deal more of a guarantee
in that line than you can give.-Rich-
mond Dispatch.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
An Excellent Arrangement

Fit. while sitting on the trea surv
oencn IN parliament, habitually car
ried SO much liquor that It gaye an
anxious clerk at the table a haodoaha
20 watch him. Excellent arrange.
ment," said Pitt. Il have the vino
and be has the headache" 49,.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

S%crofula, salt rheum, erysipelas and
other distressing eruptive diseases
yield quickly and permanently to
the cleansing, purifying power of
Burdock Blood Bitters.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Funny,

Towne-Did you ever notice.anything
funny about his conversation?
Browne-Funny? 1 should say not.
There's absolutely no point toiit.
Towne-That's the funny part Of it.
Having no point, how is it that it
bores SO quickly ?--Philad elphia Press.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

"1 had a running, itching sore on
my leg. Suffered t%ortures. Doan's
Ointment took away the burning
and itching instantly and quickly
effected a permanent cure" c. W.
Lenhart, Bowling Green, o.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

Whyte-Browne is very economical,
isn't he?
Black-Browne? Well, I'll tell you.
Browne is the sort Of man who when
he wants an awl and hasn't any in
stead of buying one will go to work
to make one by Strengthening out a
cOrkScrew.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Irritant.

"Stfll bothered by that amateur cor.
net player next door?'
NO. | bought a dog"
What had that to do with it,"
We'll. this was one Of those dogs
that howl frightfully every time they
hear any sort of music."-Exchange.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

Bodily pain loses its terror if
you've a bottle of DR.. Thomas
Electric Oil in the house. Instant
relief in cases of burns, cuts, sprains,
accidents of any sort.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Her Reason.

But why did you encourage him If
you didn't want him to propose?"
Because just at that time there
wasn't any n else to encourage
Chicago Post.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Display.

If there were no such thing as dis
play in the world, my private opinion
Is, and l hope you agree with me, that
we might get On a great deal better
than we do and might be infinitely
more agreeable company than we are.
Charles Dickens.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Pre.Chaucerian

II confess I can't understand what
your baby's saying"
ut Is a queer language, isn't it?"
YES; sort Of early English."-Phila-
delphia Press.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

Mother, Yes, n package makes
two quarts of baby medicine. See
directions. There is nothing just as
good for babies and children as Rocky
Mountain Tea. IS cts.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

You will never wish to take an
other dose Of pills if you once try
Chamberlain's Stomach & Liver
Tablets. They are easier to take and
more plesaanti in effect. They cleanse
the stomach and regulate the liver
end bowels. For sale by l.. O. Gale.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
"How did he get. ir.?"
1t smudees EN- All Auke.

There's q couple O. big coal scots on
your face, Weary"
Don't mind 'em, They're tn badges
OF a great industry, Limpy. I tell you,
me boy. there's nothin' like soft coal
for putin tn human family on an
eQuality."-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

A man fifty years old has walked
l2,oOo miles. eaten nine and a half
IONS OF meat and fish and eggs and
vegetables. and drunk 1000 gallons of
fluid.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

A blessing alike to young and old,
Or. Fowler's Extract Of Wild Straw
berry. Natures specific for dysentery,
%diarrhoea and summer complaint.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Met His

$50 that baseball umpire has anothe,
black eye?"
EYES,"
"How did he get ir?"
by not sticking to his own business,
He undertook to decide a dispute over
a game Of Observation-Disclosures
Star.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
A Grievance Asatnzt His Tat1or.

A Grievance Against His Tailor.
II wish you wouldn't seal your an
nouncement cards." said young Jones.
"Why not?" asked the tailor.
Because MY landladyM thinks they
are bills. 1t hurts my credit."-Chi.
cago News.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29

Briggs-There goes Jones, the man
who married the widow and six chill,
dren.
G~riggs-But what is he doing with
that enormous quantity of fireworks?
Briggs guess he intends to get rid
Of the six children.
The Mitchell capital. (Mitchell, Dakota [S.D.]) 1879-1918, 1902-08-29
Time to Cut Ger.

And then the conversation Jagged.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1902-07-25
Ordered BY Commissioners.

The following official orders have been
issued by the District Commissioners:
That plumbers license issued in the name
of Thomas ON. May be Cancelled, and that
new license be issued to the firm Of May
& Caldwell, as master plumbers, upon the
filing of satisfactory bond.
That plumbers license issued in the name
Of William ]. Hutchinson be Cancelled and
that new license be granted to the firm of
Hutchinson & Mccarthy, upon the filing Of
satisfactory bond said license to expire
June %, 1905.
That Sheridan street between Brightwood
avenue and Sherman avenue be spiked,
crowned up and resurfaced with gravel, at
an estimated cost of $500, chargeable to the
current appropriation for repairs to roads.
That IA feet of six-inch water main be
laid in the west side of Sherman avenue
south from Marshall street, at an estimated
cost Of $116
That $40 feet of six-inch water main be
laid in Franklin street southeast from
Nichols avenue, at an estimated cost of
1916, including the erection of one fire
hydrant.
That 1876 feet of six-inch water main be
laid in the north side of street between
18th and Goth streets northwest, at an esti-
mated cost of $311.
That fire hydrant be erected on the
west side of John Marshall place at alley
between c and D streets northwest, at an
estimated cost of $137.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1902-07-25
UNDER SERIOUS CHARGE.
Joseph Munster, Alias Stewart, Accus-
ed Of Highway Robbery.

Joseph Munster alias John Stewart
thirty-five years old, is held at the first pre-
cinct station charged with highway rob-
berry. He was measured and photographed
today for the gallery and tomorrow he will
be given a hearing before Judge kimban.
1t Is alleged that he participated in an as
sault upon Reuben NJ. Worthen of IA l.
street southeast. who reported that he was
relieved of SIT. The affair happened about
2 o'clock this morning in the rear of the
first precinct station on 18th street north
west between c and D streets. Three men,
it is alleged, committed the assault and
robbery.
Worthen, who is employed in the navy
yard, went to the police station and enter
ed complaint. He stated that he used his
steel cane in defense of himself and sug-
gested that he had injured the face of one
of the men. A few minutes after Worthen
made complaint Munster was brought in by
Policemen McDaniels and Cooper. George
Carter and Henry Wise, colored had pur-
sued Munster from the scene of the al
legged "hold-up' to the monument grounds
and held him until the arrival of the Off
GERS. The prisoner was identified by the
victim and others as being one of the men
implicated in the 'hold-up.' The prisoner
denies the charge.
Precinct Detective Herndon has been as
signed to investigate the case.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1902-07-25
AMONG THE GOOD TEMPLARs.
The Programs of Several Lodges at Re
cent Meetings.

Takoma Lodge held its last regular meet
ing at the home of L. NJ. Mooers, Id, on
Montgomery avenue. Mrs. Terfinger, chief
templar, presided. The lodge deputy made
a report upon the financial conditions of the
lodge, including the results from the lawn
party recently held, which report gave rise
to many complimentary remarks, and was
adopted by the lodge. A conference upon
the local conditions and future work fol-
lowed, in which the grand chief templar
took part. The next lodge meeting will be
held at the residence of Mr.. Macalister on
Holly avenue, when officers for the new
quarter will be elected and installed.
There was a large attendance at the last
regular meeting Of Perseverance Lodge.
Miss Laura BrySon, vice templar, presided.
The usual routine Of business was followed
by a social session, after which the good Of
the order program was given, in charge of
Mrs. Chambers. 1t included song by Mr..
I. L. Corby, recitals by Mrs. Chambers and
Mr.. Wilkinson, a plano solo by Miss Susie
Jost, gesture song by Miss Gladys Wilkin-
son, and an Instrumental and vocal solo by
Mrs. and Mr.. Rolf. At the conclusion of
the program the table committee, Mr.. Nc
Donald, chairman, served refreshments.
Capitol Hill Lodge held it's regular meet
ing last Saturday evening, Chief Templar
Gates presiding. There were visitors from
Minnehaha Lodge. At the conclusion OF the
usual business session, the doors were
opChSu dilO a 1ilSAaiy ihuSiSoA SHeSA
tainment was given. The Misses Elizabeth
and BERTHE Howson entertained the meeting
with instrumental and vocal duets, and led
in the song service. Addresses were given
by Messrs. Reece, Russell Gates, McCath-
ran and Mcdaniel. Among the visitors were
Master Abram Hartman and his younger
sister Rose of Cold Springs, Putnam county,
N. Y, who are visiting the Misses Higdon,
relatives. on M street.
Minnehaha Lodge held its regular session
Tuesday evening, H. F. Smith, Id, pre-
intermisson, a song service was had. led
by Mrs. Carrie Smith, pianist. S. w. Rus
sell recited a selection from Ruskin, 1.-The
Dawn of Peace" addresses on lodge and
anti-saloon league work were given by
Messrs. Garfield and Blackboard remarks on
some features Of life at the government
printery were made by Mr.. Miller, and ad-
dresses given by the chair, and by Messrs.
Carrico, Mcdaniel and McCathran.