The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1902-09-10
THE JANiToR ART CRITIC.

3 cCGfG OiSdSSOcl2tS MIN from the best aQS
the quaintest memories of the institution
Ambrose. being an Irishman. proud Of
his nationality, and endowed with many
OF the racial proclivities n a marked de-
gree, was very jealous Of his dignity and
= reputation. Furthermore. though natu
rally inclined to be garrulous. he was
restrained by an overweeninE caution and
an almost violent aversion 10 ridicule
Woe beti6e the student who made bold
TO guy" him. for 10 such an adver-
ssry he was unsparing. steaithy. reient-
less and always triumphant in the end
II was regarded as quite a distinc-
ton among the students TO De able 10
engage him in conversation, but the
young man who laughed in his face, ques-
toned either his veracity or his accuracy.
or failed in any way to pay all Difference
to his utterances. was marked forever
for the most ingenious persC cution. the
most unexpected and generally unac-
ccuntable losses. and. above ali. the per
petual and silent contempt Of this extra
ordinary janitOr IN addition 10 his other
strange qualities. Ambrose was the most
monumental the most positive and the
most self-possessed liar I ever heard. But
in exchange fer his seldom-given conf
dences he exacteo the most unquestioning
credulity. Being apparently. a partieu-
lar favorite with him. I learned that he
lad heen sailor. and so. one day as he
stood behind me criticising a little ma
rine CT mine. l asked:
Mr.. Kelly did you ever see a dolphin -
a dolphin he repeated. with depre-
eating contempt Then. after a pause
'DolDhins, is it2 Sure, I've saw millions
az en-, boy. Millions and millions az
en-"
What was the biggest one you ever
saw, Mr.. Kelly?"I continued. with calm
and respectful tones as 1 continued my
drawing.
Big? Oh. twas big enough. didn't
say liver saw big dolphin. This with
evident suspicion that l was laying a
uap FOR him
oh. no You didn't say anything about
the size. Mr.. Kelly, 1 answered. Il just
wanted to get an idea as to how large a
dolphin is
This seemed to reassure him. and he
said, hesitatingly. out with absolute and
unquestionable assurance:
We'll. lave me see now-the biggest
wan? The biggest wan? Oh. twasn't a
big wan-say, twas-well, twas as big
as Brooklyn bridget"
Now the utter monstrosity OF this ex-
aggeration is calculated to make any
sane man laugh, and I had a hard time 10
keep my face straight, but Ambrose de-
liveTed it with every evidence of good
faith. and would have hated me forever
If l so much as questioned the exact accC-
racy OF his statement. Tie had no sense
of proportion at all, Of course. or ne
would never have said that his dolphin
was IS big as Brooklyn bridge. but we
lad to take his word for everything or
abide some awful consequences.
One time / asked him if 10 had seen
many whales. He averred that he had
killed about seven thousand in his
time" and, being in rather talkatiye
mood, he continued:
Il landed on wan wanst, an spint foor
days wandrin about
Why didn't you get Off"
4 thought twas an island I was on"
An island. For heavens sake, how
big was it?"
How big? 1 dunno" he temporized.
'ye see, 1 couldn't see the whole av it.
but-lave me see-wel, the part av it
1 could see was. wei, twas about the
size av Cinthral Park
These are but samples of his prodigious
stories, and the few audacious young
sters who attempted 10 argue with him
or to point out possible errors in his esti-
mate were always worsted and perse-
cuted into the bargain. He never joked
with the students, though l am sure he
loved joke. for he proved it later at his
own expense and to the everlasting de-
light of all his enemies.
We had been expecting NJ Gaspard,
the new director, to arrive from Paris
every day. He came one evening after
the classes had been dismissed. and only
Miss Truman the custodian Of the mu-
scum. was present to give him welcome.
The same evening just as dusk was at
hand Ambrose saw a seedy. unfashiOna-
ble looking stranger inspecting the pic
lures. He wandered about. buster in
that the visitor was standing as If trans
fixed before Dupres picture Of the girl
in pasture Juggling at a refractory COW.
Sure that the spectator was "a jay,
Ambrose cautiously approached and be-
gan;
4 suppose ye think that foine pic
ther, sir?'
Very fine. indeed. said the stranger.
''P'rhaps We think tbs an lie painting?'
said Kelly.
1t is. indeed. and a beautiful one" said
the polite stranger. wondering.
All, but is that what We think? Ye
think It's an lie painting? Well. thin. 1t
isn't. Only part az it is lie. The fellow
thot pointed thot was a tricky wan-my
sake. but he was tricky. The COW, dye
mind. the cow. is rale COW. sir"
1T is very realistic, very" quoth the
astonished stranger.
No. tlsn't rraleistic 1t is. it's rale COW
Do you know what he done? Oh. but he
was thrickyi Well, sir. he Just put in the
rale shkin av rale cow. and painted
the picther round it. Thot what he done.
sir as sure as my names Ambrose
Kelly. sir.
The visitor expressed his establishment, /
but made no question of the exactness
of Kelly's verdict. As darkness fell and
IL was time 10 close the museum. Ambrose
saw his victim start for the door. but
as he passed out. the outiandishiy dressed
stranger paused for n moment before
Miss Truman desk. bowed with q petite
smile. and said:
Coed night. miss. I'll be here in the
morning 10 take charge"
Kelly watched this with startling eyes
and incredulous ears and when the polite
visitor was gone he approached the Gus
todian and asked:
Excuse me. miss, but may l ask who
thot was just whit out?'
That. Ambrose. was II sieu Pierre lie
sage Gasparc. the new director OF the I
school he just arrived from Paris I
Why"
oh nawthin' at all. at all said Kelly /
With weird resignation I was only Won
Ghrin. John Il Raftery.
Eccentric but innocent.
(Fr0m the Detroit Trbunel