The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1902-04-18

Pray cease this harsh belligcrent roar
And let our nerves relax.
Don't look for pugilistic aid
In arguments so wise.
Remember. hands were never made
To scratch each others eyes.
Now, gentle spring salutes the bough,
Where builds the mating bird,
So do not start jolly row,
But let sweet songs be heard.
Don't thirst for some offenders gore
And deal him vicious whacks.
Bring forth the olive branch once more
Washington Star.
II once knew a man." said Representa-
tive Foster of Vermont, who was
| stranded in Jamaica. He had barely
sufficient money to pay his way back
to the United States. After considering
| the situation he decided to purchase IA
ticket. and as the sea trip lasted only a
couple Of days he would go without food
| that length of time. He realized that
! if he remained in Jamaica and spent his
| money he would never be able to get
back home
He went OH board the steamer and
bought his ticket. He closed his ears to
| the sound Of the lunch bell, and when
! dinner time came and a fellow-passen-
|
dining room, he politely declined on the
ground that he never ate at sea. The
next morning he skipped breakfast by
sleeping late and at lunch time he kept
to his room. BY dinner time at night,
| however, he was so hungry that he could
have eaten pair of shoes. 1 am going
to eat he said, even if 1 am thrown
be drowned as starved to death
AT the dinner table he ate everything
in sight. Then he braced himself for
the explosion. Bring me the check he
said to the waiter.
1.-The check?" queried the waiter.
Yes said the man.
There isn't any check was the re-
ply. On this ship meals 60 with the pas
sage ticket"
Il am stranger here. sir. Can you
direct me to Il tirst-rate clurch!'
"Oh, yes. Right round the corner
What sort Of preacher have they:'
a very good man."
''Interesting?"
Intensely so.'
"Eloquent?"
Very"
pose?'
"Unquestionably."
whats the preachers name?"
All, my friend, that is a question
which modesty forbids me to answer
Tit-Bits.
Capt. Thomas Bixby, under whom
Samuel L. Clemens Mark Twain) served
as pilot and engineer on the old Missis-
sippi river boat Swallow, has given in a
New Orleans paper the following de-
scription of the engine of the Swallow:
The craft was Il little, shaky affair.
which piled between St. Louis and Cairo.
1t had stern wheel, a place for freight
on what may he called the pilot deck
for the engine. The engine went aboard
when it was needed, and only then. 1t
burned no wood or coal, but ate a pow
erful sight of grass. 1t was large gray
mule named Jerry. which worked Il
treadmill that propelled the boat. Sam
uel Clemens was chief engineer and pilot.
He had system of signals which was
effective and ingenious. BY pulling a
cord he could raise a head Of cabbage
just out of reach of the mule. The EN-
gfne' would start and begin to walk
after it. and the boat floated majestically
down or up the river, as the case might
be. Without desiring to be personal, |
will say that Jerry was one Of the most
Intelligent animals ever met His voice
was more on the order of fog horn
than whistle, being too much Of q
baritone for the latter. When Samuel
wanted to whistle for !. landing he just
hit Jerry with stick"
Mrs. Sinsit-How are you making out
at breaking your husband of the liquor
habit?
Mrs. Newliwed- Grandly! The firnt
victory belongs to me, as George gave
right III to my first suggestion.
Mrs. Sinsit-How noble! What was
your suggestion?
Mrs. Newliwed-Well, 1 suggested he
drink as much water as he did intoxicat-
ing drinks, and he promptly promised
that for every drink Of whisky he took
he would take a glass of water right
| after it!-Philadelphia North American.
Brander Matthews received tickets for
the first night, of course, says the New
York Times. Did ever an author bring
out play in New York without sending
tickets to Prof. Matthews? Contrary to
his custom Mr.. Matthews made use Of
his passes on this occasion. He was
down town: he wanted to see the play;
the house was sold; so, why not? The
next day his opinion was eagerly called
for by one of the classes at Columbia.
well: gentlemen" said the literary
freethinker, ''the play was in four acts,
and l was there as the guest of the
sat silent and I applauded. After the
second act l sat quiet while the audience
hissed"
The professor took a long-drawn and
reminiscent pull at his cigarette, then
held it at arms length and licked off
the ashes.
And the third act ~
''Well, gentlemen" and there was n
CLEAN of satisfaction in the professors
eye, latter the third act went out and
bought standing room and came back
An old Irish woman came into the
little grocery store on the corner every
evening for weeks and always bought a
large box of matches, records the Chi
cago Tribune: Rarely did she buy any
thing else. Finally the curiosity of the
grocer became overpowering. ii know
it's not my business" he said to her ono
evening, ''but I'd really like to know
just why you buy so many matches? -
Sure, III tell you," she answered. "Aie
husband is deaf and dumb, and lately
he's been talking in his Sleep l use the
matches to see what he says"
Maine furnishes story that illus.
trates the grotesque character of some
1 ~S-l~