davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02
MIR. DOOLEY ON THE
RECEPTION OF ROYALTY.
~. p Copyright 1902 Robert owamRu
BY r. p. dunno.

II tell ye," said Mr. Dooley, they
won't be enough iv tn first families left
in this country this summer to make
a scandal"
"Where'u they be?" asked Mr.. Hen
messy.
They'll be in London said Mr..
Dooley. They're all goin' over to see
tn coronation iv King Edward Whin
that proud monarch is declared iv
Great Britain. Belfast an certain wards
iv Londonderry. King-whin he comes
out an takes tn oath iv office an puts
on tn crown an begins his inagguryal
address, he'll look down ON a sea iv
upturned American faces, an l won't
blame him. Ivry scow that crosses TIL
dhrink is loaded down with Thin They
are firm tn British aristocracy out iv
their proud but unheated homes. Whin
tn big doin's comes off, | wudden't be
surprised if We found nanny an honest
American heart batin' behind an ernine
robe. 'Tis a great chanst FIR tn jocks
to get even with tn steel thrust What
wan iv our princes iv thrade wudden't
change in a little iv his pro- ceeds FIR
tn chanst to wear a coronet an give
three cheers FIR tn King? Mind ye,
now, Hinnissy if / was tn King, with
me commercial thrainin' 1 wudden't be
| crowned at all. I'd rent out tn job.
I'd advertise FIR sealed bids an whin
tn coronation come off, tbs at home
I'd be, settin' in me slippers. countin'
up tn money while j. Pierpont Nor
! gan, as King, me frind, Jawn d. Rookie
fellar, as Lord High Chancellor, an
Jawn w. Gates as tn Archbishop iv
Canterbury, received tn applause iv tn
| House iv Lords an wives, thin bein'
| tn officers iv tn Steel Thrust, tn
| Pickle Thrust, tn Solder Thrust, an
| tn or Masther Thrust.
Eye see, we've got to do these things,
Hogan tells me- because we're wur-
ruld power. A wurruld power, dye
mind. Whin we was less iv a power
an thought ourselves more, whin we
wore restricted to our own backyard
an niver had throuble with annywan,
! but whin he come over tn fence, ii
| whether tn coronet was wore on tn
| front or back iv tn hair or carrid in a
valise. A Prisidint iv tn United
! States was swore in as though he was
Pole wantin' to cast his first vote
Him an tn man befure him rode up
| to the Capitol followed by a process
him if he felt competint to hold tn
| job an he said he did, an made a
speech that had been printed in th
mornin papers FIR tn last time an wint
over to tn White House an had his
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

the greatest Literary Genius ever born
in Captivity-one who would sooner or
later make Hall Caine look like cents
worth of Saleratus.
''How do you know he is Genius?"
asked the Plain Husband, who was be-
coming Leery of her Finds.
HE told me So" she replied. And
he has consented to Dine here"
THAT will be sweet Billiards" said
the Plain Husband. when l come
home at Night all tuckered. there Is
nothing cheers me more than to listen
to an incipient Author with a is Collar
On n 14I5 Neck
but this one is Remarkable Char
acter," said Azalea. He Is so Erratic
that every one is talking about him.
He has worn the same Hat for nine
years and sometimes he sits for a
Hour al time without speaking TO
any one. He has made great Rep
for himself by throwing down People
who are trying to be kind to him. Fis
favorite Speciality Is making Cracks
about those who Entertain him. I
have no doubt that he will go away
and say the most Sarcastic Things
about us. but then you must expect
that from a Genius"
I'm bet that he wont say any worse
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

bed made up. A cabinet officer was all
right if he cud get his appropriations
through be standin' tn drinks FIR Con-
gress an cud make a threaty that wud
break in tn hand All that was re-
quired iv an ambassadure was that he
knew tn best place FIR a wandhrin'
pathrite to buy a ready-made necktie
an that his wife didn't put on airs.
In thin happy days whin we were
sthrugglin' to tn front, a king seldom
come this way. Wanst in awhile a
naygur potintate wud slip up firm tn
South Sea Islands, but we niver paid
much attintion to thin. / mind well
whin King Calico come here firm tn
Sandwich Islands an stopped at tn
Grand Passyfic Hotel. A comfy iv
citizens was appinted to fix up an in
tertainment FIR him. They decided to
give him a poker party.
But, now, be hivens, ivry other day
we're threatened with kings. Down in
Wash nton, they tell me there's build
in full iv clerks figurin' out how to
rayceive royalty Ye'd think it was
AN aisy job All that annywan wud
expict wud be: Good mornin, King,
or 'How-do, Kaiser or 'How's thricks.
Impror? But tbs not so. No, sir, if
tn Presidint was to make wan small
blunder, if he was to tap tn Impror on
tn shirt stud where on'y a King shud
be tapped, we'd have European war
on our hands befure nightfall Sure!
Suppose they're all settin' in tn parlor
an tn hired girl comes in an rings
TIL bell FIR dinner Ye'd say ivrybody
out to tn Winds as soon as he can, tn
man that paid FIR tn food first an
maybe a fight or two in tn dureway.
Not at all. Be no mea as.
First. tn king or impror. thin fifteen
minyits later tn sub king, thin tn
family iv tn king, thin amy morga-
matte relations, thin tn staff an so
on. In tn dinin' room ye'er idee is
| haste to tn place nearest tn duck.
| Wiring No wan must sot down till
tn king sets. Thin wan be wan down
| tn line accordin' to rank. TIL rank
! est down first. Afther tn dinner no
/ scramble FIR tn rockin' chair an tn
, place near tn stove. Out as we come
linking, prince, jock, earl, landgrab,
Won, excellency, slob. Where's tn
prisidint? In tn panthry dom tn
! best he can.
z" IT'S a delegate job an amy man
! that knows jus how rielty shud be
! threated. can get a good place in
Wash'nton. Ivry day some fine point
comes up. Supposin' tn King asts
! himsilf to tn house., is it betther to
: go out befure or afther he comes
/ How shud a Missoury congressman
approach his Majesty, on his hands an
| knees or through tn window? Shud
tn sicrety iv state speak befure he is
! spoken to or afther or not at all? If tn
| TIL Impror is caught slippin' a King
out " tn deck, shud tn fact be min
toned thin or whin we have played .h'
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

Mickey seemed to see the humor Of
the question, for he grinned, but he
said nothing.
Joe had just 50 cents in his pocket
which he had earned running errands.
The dog was not worth a quarter to
him as plain dog, but he was willing
to pay that for him in order to save
him from the boys. First he grasped
the dog S string and then he counted
out two dimes for John and nickel
for Mickey, and left with the dog.
When he was half a block away he
locked back and saw Mickey scrapping
with John for a more even division of
the money. Joe chuckled to himself and
then addressed the dog.
well, mutt, what do they call yer?"
1t was not so much the words as the
tone that told the intelligent poodle
that he had fallen into the first friend
ly hands that had touched him since
his accidental separation from his mas
ter a week before. He wagged his
plumed tail and almost smiled out of
his beady little eyes, and when Joe
put down his hand he licked it,
Say mutt, what's yer name? Is 1t
Fido?"
The dog made no reply as Fido meant
nothing to him.
rs It Rover %
Again no reply except wagging OF
the tail.
1T is Nero?"
"Yap," said the dog, and put his fore
paws up on Joe.
"Chee, but you know lot, I'll try
yer again to make sure. Is it Rover OF
| Fido?"
rs it Nero?''.
Again zap and vigorous wagging
of the tail.
"I wasn't so slow meself. On del
| third guess. Well, Nero, you an me
belongs to each odder until l have tC
| give you up, an l hope dat won't ever
| happen. Want some grub?"
| No answer.
"Youse don't know everything, dc
your" said Joe, rather disappointed
| Then he happened to think of varia-
ton of the question. Want some
| meat?"
"Yap. yap!" barked Nero eagerly. !.
! Joe dug his hand into his trousers
pocket He had just five pennies. He
! had intended blowing himself off to &
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

something. If she could land in with a
dreamy Bunch and sit in Front Room
with all the Curtains pulled down and
the Candles shaded, while Lady who
had never ruined her Shape read a
Puzzle Paper that got past every one
who heard it, then the Wife of the
Plain Man thought she was having the
Time of Her Life.
=. She loved to flirt with the Unknow-
able and sometimes take a Fall out of
the Occult.
But she had no Time for anything
she could Understand. She preferred
to sail through the Ethereal Regions of
the Bamboo Dreams, hanging by one
Toe and having Rush of Blood to the
Head.
AS suggested at the Beginning of the
Fable, the Poor Woman did not know
what hurt her, but she proceeded on
the Theory that the Higher Intellectual
Life consisted of Equal Parts of YER
tigo and Guess Work.
All this meant Fine Business for the
Boy who i'm a Careless Moment had
promised to Love. Honor and Obey. She
sprang a new Series of Curves on him
every Week or two. Sometimes he sus-
pected that she had gone aft TO the
Wheel-House but he didn't like TO say
80 on account of the Children. So he
continued 10 play Angel to her Contin-
nance Performance.
The wife. whose name was Azalea.
used 10 go out and dig up all kinds OF
Geniuses and take them up 10 the
House and Feed Them. She considered
Il great Honor 10 have some melan-
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

and once he had the satisfaction Of
seeing an officer Of the S. p. G. A ar
rest a man who was kicking a horse
that ought to have been in bed instead
of drawing a heavy load of junk.
One day he was on CORTLAND street
near the railroad ferries, looking for a
chance to carry a valise, when he saw
two boys trying to make a French
poodle stand on his head. The poodle
was possessed of a good deal of spirit
and snapped at the boys, but he was
unable to get away, as he was tied.
The boys had probably seen a picture
on circus poster of poodle standing
on his head, and having found this
poor fellow in an alleyway they in-
tended to make him learn everything
in a poodle's curriculum.
ITS a won'er youse wouldn' quit
hurtin' dat mutt" said Joe, after one
of the boys had dealt the poodle a
particularly hard blow.
ITS won'er vouse wouldn' min
yer own business said the boy with
a menacing gesture.
II was al this point that Joe stopped
taking and began TO act, and when he
had finished acting the boy was very
much the worse for wear and his COM
panion, who was an arrant coward
had disappeared with the dog. But Joe
was not through with the incident
and he asked the boy whose neau ne
had punched who owned the dog.
II dunno who owns him Mickey
foun' him an we was teachin' him
tricks"
"Well, come an help me git him an
I'll XII yer a quarter fer him." said
joe, and at mention Of the money the
boy, whose name was John, piloted
Joe through around the corner where
they saw Mickey and the dog walking
leisurely along I'm fancied security.
SOY Mickey. dis Teller wants der
mutt Hen III ms ten cents fer a."
John put II al 10 cents thinking to
divide even" az five cents apiece
Mickey knew nothing about bat Joe
OWNED his game and, wishing 90 show
him that be- understood A., be- said,
NO. ill give o. quarter Tor a.. but a
nichela an yOull get from him because
you ran away Ike a coward. Why
dion yer wait an let me 90 yer upw
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02
MODERN FABLES
BY GEORGE ABE. Ns~ ra- ~
Copyright, 1902. by RIO bert Howard Russell.


choly Person with an unusual kind of
Hair come up to their Number and
eat about 81 worth of Food.
She and the Genius would sit at OPP
posite ends of the Table and ping-pong
a line of inspired Conversation that
never touched Husband at all. He
couldn't even keep Score.
Azalea never could find time for a
straight-away Business Man who wore
a Sack Suit and an ordinary Collar
and talked about what had been in the
Morning Paper. No indeed, for she was
on the lookout for Rare Birds.
She went to a Paderewski Concert
once and when the Artist with the
crinkly Mop leaned over the Gee Side
of the Key Board and began to tear
off the Quarter-Notes with his Eyes
closed, it was then that Azalea tried
to climb over the Foot-Lights and steal
a Kiss.
Azalea always had a number of
Musical Mokes on her Staff, When she
had Soiree, the Plain Husband would
go away back and sit down behind a
Rubber Plant or an Orange Tree where
no one could see him. He knew that
the Music was Good, but it did not
sound right to him.
Azalea did not put in all of her time
with the Musickers. One day she came
home and said that she had discovered
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

dinner that should cost a little more
than usual, the quarter paid for the
dog had reduced his funds to five
cents, and now, if he bought meat for
the dog, it would mean that he must
get along until morning with nothing
to eat, for it was not likely that he
would get anything to do in the way
of running errands, as the market had
closed.
He went several blocks out of his
way to a butchers store. The dog was
evidently hungry. and now that he
owned him he was responsible for him.
Up to this time Joe had thought of
Nero as a useless friend, but the butch
er said. Does ne do any tricks?"
Haven't tried him." said Joe.
81 used to have a French poodle. and
he knew more than / did myself.
That's honest. He could play soldier.
Yes, sir, play soldier said the butch
er. looking intently at the dog, who
pricked up his ears at the word.
The butcher glanced around the shop
and picked up "a broken broom handle,
which he held toward the dog.
Shoulder arms!" said he, and Nero
shouldered that stick as IL he had been
in the army for ten years.
Joe turned a handspring for SINGER
JOY.
Mr. Cults. won't do a thing but
teach him tricks, Amt he great"
''He sure is" said MIR. Cults. you
want 10 keep a close watch on him or
somebodyll steal him.
The dog was evidently glad TO show
off his tricks 10 friends, for he played
dead, sang, walked on his forelegs and
waltzed with the broom handle. and
then he went up TO the counter, put
his paws on n, and said as plainly as
barks could say II. Some meat,
please"
Joe hesitated a minute. lie could 60
20 an eating room, and for cents he
could get a piece 81 chuck steak that
was "nll right" and that would gatisfy
his hunger. but there would not be
enough for Nero and him ON the other
hand. be- could get "a big piece Of raw
meat. but he had never cultivated a
taste for that article. and he knew that
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02


so the Plain Husband would arrive y
the House to find everything Upset y
Honor of some longitudinal Empes
in the World of Thought who glareI
him through Steel Specs and wore Nc
Wens in the most unexpected Plavesi
Any time that the Plain Huspals
bumped against a Proposition OF 'us
kind, he folded up like a Pocket OaiD
era. When it came time to Carfs s,. ~
would be so Nervous that every os's
looked as if it had been put through
Fluting Machine. n
This went on for Years. he usel ~
tell on the Outside, when he was, q, q
his Cups, that he was conductlhe
first-class Boarding House for tIes sa,
Azalea put it differently. She sara w.
she had entertained more Whales '"'
any other Woman along the street
But the Dorsal Vertebrae OF the U4 ~,
suffering Camel may be weighted ~ p
Point of Fracture and there cam ,l nm.
Day when the Plain Husband T Ie,ns,
He invited a few Friends 10 D'n,el
and then notified Azalea. she sca sea-, a
the List and then threw COUPE
Throes. t,oi,s "
Nobody ever heard of these fO'N''
she said. A,omsi
THAT is why II will be such p "a ~
Relief to have them around san s,ebt
Plain Husband. 81 long for tne ,, ,,9
of those that Comb 1t in the vi SnsjJes
Way and talk about something ,red
Themselves. have got good anu ked
OF looking at Genius through S,a,e ID
Glasses. Before ! die shoulu ,blcn
attend Just one Dinner Party at And
the Host would cut little zee ths
Tomorrow this Sign goes up ",yars.
Front Portal: No Tramps' DS,ls,9r
Peddlers or Genuises need apP'y3 N md
MORAL: IL gives one ,Il'N
Ne'N-'o lou" ~ George Ad''
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

ace firm tn sleeve? Shud III, n,i.,,.
an cabinet back away firm ~ 'u lil
family on'y as far as TIL stbra lAs
to tn city limits? All those onos.;. Or
have got to be answered an ans, ne,ons
right. "''s cred
mo wan knows what tn bor.n,
raysult iv a fluke might he 'loe
readin' thragic story in tn na- was
tn other day an l want IN Up Tpe's
about it, so We can advise ye'er a., !e
ter in case e'er a King come ont ~
far. A certain King that is NOW .HS
won't say who he was becaHsa l
might be locked up, but whin he ~
Prince iv Wales, he see a beaut;t'.S,
American woman in a German cit,,
where tn rich an fash'nable 90 r. y
their nrst drink iv wather an he a.
timpted FIR to make an impressior ~
her. He thried all his arts. wbist,; III
at her on his fingers, calm ont IT,,
there, haven't we f'rgot something;
givin' her tn eye, an so on. but s5o
was pure American woman he hirtS
an she didn't see him. He niver got
within miles iv her. He stint her nriss
ints-fioWers, dog, a dimon' NECKLACE
tank iv goold fish, a horse. a voIur,
Nv PONIES, an a camePs hair shaui
No answer He put a pers'nal in ~,
pa-aper sayin that a young an, y,
thractive prince wud like to meet N,
handsome young American lady who
caught his eve with a catsup bottls
at tn hotel dinner table. 1t was M
good. Thin he was forced to take de-.
termined action. He asked her IA
come to dinner with him, an in a rae,I
manner stint another Invitation to ha,
husband, rayquestin him to give thai
night to tn fam'ly-his own at hons
An tn poor foolish woman ravfused
Says she. Not without Fred she saws
an she wudden't go. Well sir. WIND
ye believe it-there it is in TIL ma.
aper in black an white-twinty YEA,
afther whin tn prisidint apDinted M
son iv this varchous but scary ladv "a
go over an see this here kim
crowned, tn King almost rayfused %
lave him come. He surely wud hays
rayfused if he cud raymimber TIL nams
but his life has been busy It's not
sure that Reginald Willieboye can get
In yet. His father was up to tn White
House yisterdah to see whether 'twpl
be NECESSARY FIR him to be adopta
into another family. Think iv H.
Think what simple people we was
thin DAYS an how FOOLISH Thank
goodness, times has changed. 1t cut
dent happen now. But it ony goes
to show, Hinnissy, how NECESSARY its
FIR us. not on'y as a nation iv ray
publicans, but as individyools to keep
a close tab on tn customs iv rielty. We
get betther ivry day an tn coronatm
II be long jump ahead.Y
"Will, We be in Westminster Abbey
in June? asked Mr.. Hennessy moct.
ingly. mot if 1 live" said Mr.. DM-
ley.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

Once there was Patient Man who
had one kind of Wife, Something
hurt her all tho time, but she couldn't
tell just what 1t was. She was afflicted
with Soui-Hunger. She was New Wo-
man. In fact she was one of the New
est Women that ever came out of a
Book Store, and she was Fresh every
Hour.
When the latest Fad struck Town
she appointed herself a Reception Com
mittee and hurried out as far as the
Railroad Bridge to welcome it. She
loved to mess around with little Clubs
that went on Young Hyson Jags and
then CROPPED after the Whatness of
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02
|>F|>F|}

Railways Ready Relief cures the
worst pains In from one 10 twenty min
utes. For Headache (whether sick or
nerYOua), ToOthachc, Neuralgia Rheu-
matism. LumbaRo, pains and weakness
ln the back. spine or kidneys. pains
around the liver, pleurlsy. swelling Of
the Joints. and palms OF an kinds. the
application Of Hadwny'H Ready Relief
will AFFORD immediate ease, and its con-
fInued use for d few days effect "a per.
manrni cure Sold by druggists.
be SURE TO GET RADWAYG.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

things about us than say about him, .
said the Plain Husband. what time
does the Genius arrive?"
You never can tell was the Reply.
HE is so Great that he scorns to keep
his Appointments, but if he comes at
ALL it will be somewhere between five
and nine"
II will go and stock up the Side
Board" said the Plain Husband.
The Genius arrived at $50 and said
all he wanted for Dinner was four
Bowls of Soup and an Orange. Azalea
thought he was charmingly Eccentric.
1t would be wrong to tell what the
Plain Husband thought.
Azalea had a way of uncoverlng
Lady Reformers who were above the
Fripperies' of Dress. Every week or
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02
JOE FINDS A FRENCH POODLE.
like This Amusing Little street
Roy, the Dog Has to Work for II
Living.

BY Charles Batteli Loomis.
(Author of Yankee Entertainments, :"
etc, etc.
Joe Dempsey was a street boy and
he was a pretty tough little customer
in many ways, but he had love for
animals and he hated to see them cru
ely treated. More than once in his
short life he had addressed such words
to truckmen who were abusing their
horses as had brought on him a taste
of the same whip that had been used
on the animals, but he never got more
than taste, as he lodged to a safe
place and kept up his moral lecture,
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

dogs had appetites much bigger than
their size.
lie won the victory IN q minute.
or me a. cents worth of meat Ter
the dog. Will yer?" said he.
The answer Of Mr.. Cults was delight
ful THAT dog has pnld for bic meat.
Keep your cents"
a minute later Two " three custom
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

ers came In. and Joe departed with a
biz chunk or raw meat for Nero IN his
Jacket pocket and the cents stili
iinglinR In his trousers pocket
Come am we'll eat together" said
be-. and into the night dog and boy ran
a. Hse which could make The best time
10 the place where the scent dinner
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02
Worth More Than Gold
Aug. 20, 1901.

Aug. 20, 1901.
DR.. Railway: For 80 years | have
been using your Ready Relief and Pills
and always with the desired result. I
can truly say they are worth more
than ten times their weight In gold,
especially so in our climate, where
bowel troubles. dysentery. etc, are cpl
demic. S. FULDA
1904 Edward ST.. Houston. Tex.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

-crush.-"fhere was crush INV
wedding. supp0seY" crusn M,
the ushera had 70 form hyins h
An order 10 get abe bridal party w T
the altar Life.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02
SAVANNAH MORNING NEWS: SUNDAY FEBRUARY ? 1907

to the House it will probably be so
bruised and mutilated that its Iowa
sponsor will hardly recognize it. The
use of the Speakers legislative ma
chine may be required to drive it back
to the Senate and place ii in confer
ence The atmosphere is dank and haZy,
and experts are apparently expecting
to be famed by the wings of mon
strosity resembling the old Credit Mo-
biler.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

was being kept warm for just a''n
lows as Joe.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

TheModern Fable Of the Good Thing
Who Ran the Boarding House for
Luminaries.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-02-02

But it is too early in the session to
comment on the continued use of this
wonderful parliamentary contrivance.
The vitality of the majority does not
yet require its aid. The work of the
session is not yet in shape. The new
members are just now being allowed
full latitude of discussion. They must