davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Iola register., 1902-03-07
How FuustOn Turned a Joke

While BrigRdier- General Funston s
command was lying in camp near Ma
nila number OF recruits arrived from
the Western States. One of the rockies
having exhausted his supply of clean
linen and not having learned to be his
own laundress, asked a veteran where
he could get some washing done.
"Do you see those tents over there
by that clump of trees? swell, go
there and inquire for Mr.. Funston.
He's a grouchy little chap; but if you
talk pleasantly to him he'll fix you
up"
The recruit went as directed and dis
covered General Funston walking up
aud down in front of his tent, dressed
in an old pair of khaki breeches anda
regulation blue flannel army shirt.
"Where can find Funston?" asked
the recruit
"My name is Fnnston. What is it?"
81 want to. get someclothes washed. >
"What! Who sent you to me?"
"Billy Brown, over there il the
Tenth Cavalry"
Corporal of the guard called
General Funston.
The corporal came on a run.
"Young man. " said General Funs-
ton to the recruit who was seeking a
laundryman, "go with the corpora
and show him BILLY Brown, so that he
can bring him over here. And you
come with him and bring all the dirty
clothes you have, All, remember
ALI"
They departed, and returned after
short absence with Billy Brown and
a huge. load of shirts, socks, under
wear and dirty linen generally.
Said Genera! Funston to Billy
Brown;
"Did you send this man here to have
his clothes washed ?"
eyes, sir; just for joke"
"For joke, eh =? Well, alright. l
like joke myself, and Well carry
this on through. Corporal.
"Yes sir. "
Take this man Brown down to the
river and have him wash these clothes
carefully and return them to the own
er. See that he does the job up in
good style. And by the way corporal
II you have any soiled clothes of your
own, or if any of your friends have
just let Brown do them up for you. "
II think l can keep him busy for
some time, sir"
General Funston resumed his walk,
Exchange.
The Iola register., 1902-03-07

daughter. The brave Siberian on that
day had the right to own her son and
to say that she was proud of him.
After some days passed at Omsk, MI
chael and Nadia StrogoiI returned to
Europe, and, Wassili Feodor being well
fixed in st. Petersburg, neither his son
nor his daughter had any occasion ever
to leave him. only when they went to
see their old mother.
The young courier had been received
by the czar, who attached him specially
to his person and decorated him with
the cross Of st. George.
Michael Strogoff afterward attained
to high post in the empire. But 1t is
not the history of his success, but the
history of his trials, which has deserv
ed to be chronicled.
THE END.
The Iola register., 1902-03-07
First Published February II, 1902
Public Notice

Notice is hereby given that tits the intention
OF the Board of county commissioners ofAllen
county, Kansas, to build bridge across Onion
creek. in Logan township. on or near the sec
ton line between section 10. township 25,
range lS aud section -. township 25. range H.
cost of said bridge Is one thousand dollars
(SlOO0 0W and that said Board of county COM
misSionerS intends at their next regular meet
ing, which conveneS on Monday. April 7, 1902.
to appropriate one thousand dollars $1,000 OO)
TO pay for the cost of construction of said
bridge. BY Order of Board.
JAS, LOCKHART. Chairman.
Attest: U. A. FrOnk. COUNTY Clerk
The Iola register., 1902-03-07

toner of Feofar had passed over his
eyes. One remembers that at the mo-
ment of that terrible punishment Mar
ia Strogoff was there, stretching out
her hands toward her son.
Michael Strogoff looked at her, as n
son can look at his mother when 1t Is
for the last time. Streams of tears
welled up from his heart to his eyes,
which his high spirit tried in vain to
restrain and, filling the sockets of his
eyes, had thus saved his sight. The
action Of the heat had been destroyed
just in the same manner as when n
smelter after having plunged his hand
into water. thrusts 1t with impunity
into molten iron.
Michael Strogoff had at once under
stood the danger he would have run
in making known his secret TO any one.
He realized the advantages which he
might gain from this situation for the
accomplishment OF his projects. 1t is
because they would believe him to be
blind that they would leave him his
liberty.
1t was necessary, then, that he
should be blind, that he should be
so for all, even for Madam short,
that he should be so everywhere and
that not gesture at any moment could
cause any doubt Of the sincerity of his
role. His resolution was taken. Even
his very life must be risked in order
to give to all the proof OF his blindness,
and one knows how he risked it.
His mother alone knew the truth,
and it was on the square of Tomsk that
he had whispered it in her ear when,
bending over her in the shade, he had
covered her with his kisses.
We can now understand how when
Ivan Ogareff had placed the emperor's
letter before his eyes, which he be-
been able to read, had read that letter
which disclosed the hateful designs Of
the traitor; hence that energy which
he displayed during the second part Of
the journey; hence that unchanginp
will to reach Irkutsk and on arriving
there to fulfill with his own voice his
mission. He knew that the town was
TO be given up by the traitor. He knew
that the life of the grand duke was
threatened. The safety of the brother
of the czar and of Siberia was still in
his hands.
In few words all this history was
recounted to the grand duke, and Mi
chael Strogoff told also, and with what
emotion, the part which Nadia had TAX
en- in these events
VINO Is this young girlT asked the
grand duke.
"The daughter of the exiled Wassill
Feodor," answered Michael Strogoff.
''The daughter of Commander Feo-
dor" said the grand duke, "has ceased
TO be the daughter Of an exile. There
are no more eXiles at Irkutsk."
Nadia, less strong in joy than she had
been in sorrow, fell at the feet Of the
grand duke, who raised her with one
hand. while he held out the other to
Michael Strogoff. An hour afterward
Nadia was in the arms of her father.
Michael Strogoff, Nadia, Wassli Feo-
dor, were reunited. 1t was on all sides
complete happiness.
The Tartars had been repulsed In
their double attack upon the town.
Wassill Feodor, with his little troop,
had crushed the first assallants who
had presented themselves at the Bol.
chaa gate with the expectation of find
ing 1t open.
At the same time that the Tartars
were driven back the besieged had rem
dered themselves masters of the fire.
The Iola register., 1902-03-07
NE0SHO VALLEY.
Az MAKCH Z 1902
cNNN~N1<NFNENN@N.7
Z w. c. T. u. COLUMN s
{ ETA Helfrich, Superintendent.
teN~N|N/NN/NN/NHN~S

The logic of events is unanswerable.
Illustration of this fact is found in the
objection of the warden of the Cook
Company hospital to receiving drunken
patients in his institution. He says:
"The city of Chicago derives rev.
enue of over $4,000, 900 year from
the saloons which make these inebri-
ates. Let the city pay the cost of car
ing for the persons who are crazed
through the places from which
the city derives it's great revenue. 1t
is but fair. The city has found itself
able to build an isolation hospital for
smallpox patients, let it care for it, IS
inebriates, II the question we're one
OF finances only, as implied in this
objection, the hour for its considera-
tion has long ago struck. While the
moral degradation of drink is the one
chiefly advocated by reformers, it may
be since the almighty dollar" reigns
king Of our civic life, that the remov-
al of this curse must be brought about
by an adjustment of profit and loss
between the dispensers of the liquor
and those who must bear the expense
of its consequences.-Un Signal
A CATHOLIC VIEW
At the Catholic Temperance Con.
gress held in Chicago Father Mad.
dock, OF Winona, said that ofthe etfec.
tiveness of Prohibition in suppressing
intemperance, there could be no honest
difference of opinion. He said "WherC
no liquor is to be had men will not
drink. The reformed drunkard is al.
ways in danger of returning to his
cups while the saloons stand invit
ingly open on every corner. But close
these saloons, and he cannot fall. II
is the duty of every good Catholic tc
work with might and main for the en-
actment of prohibitory laws. But he
should not cease his efforts here. The
only benefit of his legislation comes
from its enforcement, and officers
sworn to execute the laws should be
compelled TO do his duty The
Guardian.
The Iola register., 1902-03-07
(First published February rs, 1907
Notice of Appointment Executor
STATE OF KANSAS,
ALLEN COUNTY

STATE OF KANSAS, lss
ALLEN COUNTY,
In the matter OF the estate OF James p.
Wright, late OF Allen County. Kansas
Notice is hereby given. that on the 18th day
OF February, A. D., 1902. the undersigned
was by the Probate Court OF Alien County
Kansas, duly appointed and qualified execu-
tor OF the estate OF james Wright, late
OF Allen County, deceased. An parties inter-
ested in said estate will take notice and gov
ern themselves accordingly.
Roy RANKIN. Executor.
The Iola register., 1902-03-07
cN%N/NNT~NTN~N~-7
, Labor Department
CONTRIBUTED
t->~N~>e/~>~J<N>>H~~r>>
School For BlOckheads.
ONE WHO KNOWS.

If the trade unions had money to
burn, they should set up school for
the education of the ign rant news
paper editors who write about labor.
The great majority of these editors
are ignorant of the subject. They
know nothing about the workings of
trade unionism, or about the measure
of wages, or the sEort-hour question,
or the terrifying strikes, or the proper
relations between labor and capital.
They know nothing about the equities in
the case, nothing about The life or the
spirit of the workers, nothing
about the amount of pay required
for a decent living, nothing about the
social conditions of the wage-earners
and nothing at all about the rights or
wrongs of labor.
Their ignorance of these things can
be seen by the intelligent readers Of
almost any one of the daily papers.
1t can't be seen especially when the
workers at any trade seek to better
their estate, or "to get raise" or TO
make stand against any encroach-
ment, or to prove that they are human
beings, entitled to life, liberty and
happiness.
1t is at such times that lots of the
editors of daily papers bring out their
ignorance, and, as they very often
rave, rage and get hopping mad when
they see workmen standingup straight,
their ignorance becomes all the more
flagrant. 1t rears its head, stares you
in the face and tells it's own tale.
These ignorant editors do harm to
many of their readers and pervert
their minds. They mislead the thought
less, deceive the clergy, hoax the mar
row-minded, jockey the fools, mystify
some of the women and cajole the
capitalists who feed them.
But would those ignorant editors go
to school for their education in
labor matters If the trade unions were
to establish such a school? Who
knows? Certain it is that there are a
score of them in New York, dozen of
them in Chicago, half dozen of them
in Philadelphia, three or four of them
in Boston, two of them in Cincinnati
and perhaps a thousand of them in
the whole country who would be en-
abled to write with more sense If they
were to gain some elementary knowl-
edge Of the great labor question.
What Them
Suppose every labor union in the
United States were to dlsband, throw
away their charters, and every man,
no matter what his calling, should
undertake to work independently of
any organization, to hoe his own row,
to paddle his own canoe, to go it alone,
what would be the result? The man
who can't answer that question ought
to go to an asylum for idiots and i'm
beetles. Every workiugman in the
land would be at the mercy of power
full monopolies, rich corporations that
have no souls and heartless employers
in the shape of individuals, And
what consideration would be shown
these men, who had nothing but their
own strength to rely on? Why, the
consideration that the lion shows the
lamb, the consideration that tho SER
pent shows the bird, And yet there
are men who work for living who
refuse to join the unions that are the
means of preventing them from work.
ing for starvation wages or else walk
ing the street in idleness. ss.-Labor
PrSss
The Iola register., 1902-03-07

You will never wish to take another
dose of pills if YOU once try Chamber
lain's Stomach q Liver Tablets. They
are easier to take and more pleasant
in effect. They cleanse the stomach
and regulate the liver and bowels.
For sale by w. l.. Crabb g. Co. and
Campbell & Rurrell,
The Iola register., 1902-03-07
First Published February Ia, 1902
Public Notice

Notice is hereby given that it is the intention
of the Board of County Commissioners OF
Allen county, Kansas TO build bridge across
Deer Creek, in Carlyle township, near the sec
tion line between section twenty (20) and
twenty eight (2S), township %, range l9, east.
cost OF said bridge is fifteen hundred dollars.
(Sl5o0 00) and that said board of county com
missoners intends at their next regular meet
ing which convenes Monday, April 9TH. 1902,
TO appropriate fifteen hundred dollars si500 00l
TO pay for the cost OF the construction of said
bridge. by Order OF the Board
JAMES LoCKHART. Chairman.
Attest G. A. Fronk, County Clerk
The Iola register., 1902-03-07

No Fake salary offer, but big commissions for
men TO sell poultry mixture in the country.
Never mind stamp.
Eureka Mnfg. 20. Dept, h. East st. Louis m
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1902-03-26
LOVE TRIUMPHS.
Wife Who Put Reptiles in Hus-
bands Bed. RepentS.

Love has triumphed over snakes,
and Walter Heller. who has brought
suit for divorce from his wife, a snake
charmer, because she put a reptile In
his bed, has agreed to with draw the
suit. They will kiss and make up and
again resume their marital blessed
ness. for she has agreed TO keen the
reptiles in their proper places here
after.
The Hedlers, during the winter
mouths. reside in Philadelphia and
Mrs. Hedler has always made it prac-
tice to keep her shiny pets in her own
apartments, despite her husbands OBJ
ject;ons and deadly fear OF the crawl
ing creatures. One night last October,
lust for a Joke, Mrs. Heller brought
her bieges RATHER into bed with her
while her husband slept. He was
awakened by feeling the snake en-
twining itself about about his leg, and.
screaming with fright, jumped out OF
bed. but not before the snake mad
sunk it's fangs in his leg.
He lost no time in getting to a phy-
sician's Office. and when his wound
bad been dressed he returned home
and told his wife that she would have
to get rid of her snakes or of him.
Indignantly she refused TO do away
with her pets, but the husband was
odurate and announced that either
the snakes or he must go, and the wife.
compelled TO choose between the two,
decided that she loved her reptiles the
best. Hedler left the house in no
pleasant frame of mind when he real
lied his wifes determination, and lost
no time in retaining counsel and start
ing suit for divorce. Philadelphia
North Am arican.
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1902-03-26

rather, perhaps l might have said be-
cause of these precautions the man
dies. Laughter. Now this physician
goes on to say. If any surgeon skilled
in arterial anatomy had been present,
| should also have ordered an opera
ton Laughter lie was not salts
fed with what he had done. with the
precautions he had already taken, but
he wanted apparently to put a pump
into that man and pump out what was
left Laughter
Now all that has passed away, and
modern medicine and surgery have
come in. Medicine was like astrology.
which did not move for centuries. When
a comet appeared in the heavens, It
was sign that prince was going TO
die. 1t was also a sign of earthquakes
and of pestilence and other dreadful
things. But they began to drop one
thing after another. They finally got
down to earthquakes and the death OF
a prince as the result of the appearance
of a comet until in 1918 writer in
The Gentleman's Magazine found at
least one thing that comet was sent
for, because it was on record that when
the comet appeared in 1918 all the flies
in London went blind and died. Laugh
ter. Now they had got down to flies.
Laughter.
'In 1929 a clergyman found still one
thing that comet was sent for, be-
cause while it was in the heavens all
the cats in Westphalia got sick. But
in 1868 that whole scheme was swept
away, and the comet was recognized
to be only a pleasant summer visitor,
and, as for the cats and flies, they
never were so healthy as they were
then. Laughter From that time
dates the great step forward that your
profession has taken" Laughter and
applause.l
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1902-03-26
CANNOT BORROW MONEY.
Decision of r1r. Wright in Regard
to School Money.

Attorney General Wright has hand
ed down an opinion saying that
the county boards of education of Geor-
gia have no right To borrow money for
the payment of school teachers.
The decision was made on account OF
a case in Warren county where the
board had borrowed money TO pay
teachers and deposited the money in u
bank in Warrenton, and before the
money was drawu out the bank failed.
Now holders of the note are trying to
collect out of the school fund.
Mr.. Wright says in his opinion that
the section of the code governing
boards of education does not confer on
them the right TO borrow money, and
the action of the board in Warren
county was illegal. He holds that no
board without special authority from
the legislature can borrow money.
The opinion is very important to
schools in Georgia, as when the state
has been late in paying out school
funds boards would borrow and when
the school money came would pay
hack
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1902-03-26
WON BET, BUT DEATH NEAR.
rIan Shipped as Freight for a
Distance of 700 titles.

Billed as a choice sack of potatoes
young man has arrived in Chicago
from Kansas City tied up in sack.
For three days and half he had been
confined in a sack and during that
time he had travelled close to 700 miles
in a freight car. The sack which
covered him was inclosed in an open
fruit case.
The traveller, who is Martin Klans-
digger, machinist of Kansas City,
was nearly famished when he was cut
from his prison at the Chicago and
Northwestern freight house by "a
friend who had been waiting for a day
and u half in the city for him to ar
rive.
Klansdigger began his journey with
only quart of water and two pounds
of crackers in the sack with him, this
being a condition of the wager OF $500
which caused him TO make the peril
GUS trip When released KlansdlTger
was nearly blinded blythe dust which
had crept into the sack, and his throat
and mouth were SO parched that he
could hardly speak, his little cask ot
water having been spilled after he had
been on his Journey for only day.
For nearly three days he had been
without water, and he stated, when be
was able to talk, that had 1t not ralned
Wednesday he would certainly have
died of thirst. During the most OF the
storm the car in which he was packed
WAS sidetracked out in some small
country town and water came through
a crack in the roof and fell on the
sack. The burlap became quite wet
and he was thus enabled TO suck from
the cloth few drops, which allayed
his thirst.
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1902-03-26
Black Duck Eggs.

Mr.. S. Fleisher has in his yard pud-
die duck that lays black eggs. This &C.
centric fowl was discovered several
days ago. and there is now in the
Herald office the first egg taken from
her nest. This morning three more
black eggs were found. and have been
regarded with good deal of curiosity
by those who have seen them. The
unusual appearance OF the eggs is
probably due to something which the
duck eats, bu, just what this substance
is Mr.. Feisher has not been able to
determine.-Albauy Herald.
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1902-03-26
A HELPLESS Child.

A weak and puny child is badly han
dicapped in the battle of life. 1t Is
isolated from the healthy enjoyments
of it's little fellow beings. 1t cannot
partake either of their play or their
sturdy work and progress in the world;
its whole life is embittered bv inca
pacity and weakness. Any woman
who expects to become mother ought
to know what DR.. Pierce's Favorite
Prescription will do both for her own
health and safety during her time OF
trial and also TO insure her in be-
oueathing fair measure of health
and strength to the prospective little
one
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1902-03-26
TWAIN ON MEDICINE.
Mark Discusses the Progress
Made In the Science.

FAMOUS Humorist In Speech ut
the Medical Jurisprudence Society
Dinner In New York Tells Them
They Only Began to Learn Some
thing Fifty Years Ago.
Mark Twain was the principal speak
er at the Hotel Savoy, in New York,
the other night at the dinner in cele-
bration of the twentieth anniversary
of the foundation of the Society of
Medical Jurisprudence, says the New
York Times. He said at the outset of
his remarks that it was pleasure to
watch q company of gentlemen lin
that condition which is peculiar to
gentlemen who have had their din
ners." That was a time, said Mr..
Clemens. when the real nature of man
came out.
"As a rule" he continued, eve go
about with masks, we go about look
ing honest, and we are able to conceal
ourselves all through the day. But
when the time comes that man has had
his dinner then the true man comes to
l.
evening | noticed the burst Of APP
plause when Judge O'Brien got up to
speak, and l knew that he was either
an exceedingly able man or else that
a lot of you practice in his court
Laughter You have been giving
yourselves away all evenings. One
speaker got up here and urged you to
be honest, and there was no response.
'Now, l want you to remember that
medicine has made all its progress dur
ing the past fifty years. One member
of this society sent me typewriter
judicial decision of the year 1909 in
medical case, with the suggestion that
this was the kind of medicine to have
and that the science Of medicine had
not progressed, but gone back. This
decision went on and described a sort
of medicine l used to take myself fifty
years ago and which was in use also
in the time of the Pharos, and all the
knowledge up to fifty years ago you
got from 5000 years before that.
II now liold in my hand Jaynes'
Medical Dictionary, published in 1745.
In that book there is a suggestion as
to what medicine was like a long
time ago. How many operations that
are in use now were known fifty years
ago? They were not operations-they
were executions. Laughter
II read in this book the case OF
man who died from a severe head
ache Why severe? The man was
dead. Didn't that cover the ground!
Laughter.
""This book goes on to say: "A certain
merchant about fifty years OF age. of
a melancholy habit and deeply involv-
ed in affairs of the world. was during
the day days'-with capital D-'seiz-
ed with violent pain of his head.
which some time after kept him in
bed. being called'-remember, this
man was a regular-'ordered venisec-
ton in the arms, bleeding; l also or
dered the application of leeches to the
vessels of his nostrils; l also ordered
the application of leeches to his fore
head and temples, and also behind his
ears
''Now, you see," continued Mark
Twain, holding the old medical book
in his hand, 'he has got him .fringed
all over with leeches. But that was
not enough, for he goes on to say, i
likewise ordered the application OF
cup glasses, with scariication ca his
back Now. he has township maps
carved all over him, and all this is for
a headache. But notwithstanding
these precautions the man dies, or.