The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-07
DeOLEY
On.
FlAGHIRYERYY.

By T. ?. Dnnne.

nl6l0Ty ~ IN MufIuiQ has SUCH pIO-
gress been made
''Thrue wurruds an often spoken.
Even In me time things has changed.
Whin / was a la-ad Long Jawn Whit
worth cud lean his elbows on tn high
est buildin' in this town. II took two
months 10 come here firm Pittsburg
on a limited raft an a stage coach
that run firm La Sale TO Mrs. Muir
phys hotel. They wasn't amy lilly
graft that ! can raymimber an tn
sthreet car was pulled be a mule an
dhruv be an engineer be tn name iV
Mulhgan. We thought we was a pro-
grissive people Ye bet We did. But
look at US today. l go be Casey's
house tonight an there II is a fine
stOrey-an' half frame house with
Casey settin' on tn dure shtep dhrink-
in out iv a pail. / go be Casey's house
to-morrah an it's a hole in tn groun'.
rayturn TO Casey's house on Thursdah
an it's a fifty-eight storey buildin'
with a morgedge onto it an they're
thinkin' iv takin' it down an replacin'
il with a modhren structure. TIL
shoes that Corrigan, tn cobbler. wanst
wurruked on FIR a week, hammertn'
away like a woodpecker, is now tossed
out be tn dozens firm tn mouth iv
masheen. A COW goes lOwin' softly in
10 Armours an comes out glue. beef.
gelatine. fertyliZer. celOoloid, 1OOlry,
sofy cushions, hair restorer, washin'
sOdy, soap, Hthrachoor an bed springs
so quick that while aft she's still COW.
far'ard she may be anything firm
buttons 10 Pannyma hats / can go
firm Chicago to New York in twinty
hours, but l don't have u. thank tn
Lord. Thirty years ago We thought
twas marvellous to be able to tillygraft
a man in Saint Joe an get an answer
that night Now, be wireless tillygraft
ye can get an answer befure ye sind
tn tillygram if they amt careful. Me
friend Macroni has done that. Be
names iv his wondher Nv science a
man on q ship in mid-ocean can sind
tillygram TO a man on shore. II he
had a confidrate on board. That's all
he needs. Be mechanical science an
| thrust in tn op'rator annywan can set
on tn shore Nv Newfoundland an chat
with a frind in tn County Kerry.
Eyes, sir, mechanical science has
made gr-reat sthrides. Whin l was
young man We used TO think Hor'ce
| Greeley was tn gr-reatest Twin Amer
lean. He was a gran man, gran
man with feathers beneath his chin an
specs on his nose like tn windows in
divers hemlet His pollyticks an
mine cuddent live in tn same neigh
| borhood, but he was gran man, all
III same. He used TO take tn Cleve
! land Plain Daler in thin days fr ray
creation an IN New York Thrybune fr
| exercise. Twas considered a test iV
| good natured dimmycrat If he cud read
an article in tn Thrybune without
haVin TO do tn stations iv tn cross
| aftherward f'r what he said. l almost
| did wanst but they was line at tn
ind about a frind iv mine be tn name
| iv Andrew Jackson an l whit out an
broke up a Methodist prayer meetin'.
He was tn boy that cud put il TO ye
so that if We voted IN dimmycrat ticket
il was jus tn same as demandin
place in purgytory. Tn farmers wud
plant anything firm a ruty baga 20 a
congressman on his advice. He niver
| had money enough to buy hat but
ne cud go TO tn Secretary iv tn threas-
urv an tell him who's pitcher TO put
on tn useful valentines we thrade IT
| groceries.
But if Hor'ce Greeley was alive to-
day where'd ne be? Settin' on three
| inches iv tn edge iV chair in tn out
side Office iv me frind Pierpont Nor
gan waitin' FIR his turn. In tn line
| is tn imp'ror iv Germany. tn new
cook. tn prisidint iV a railroad. tn
cam iV tn yacht, Rimbrandt tn paint
her. Jawn w. Gates, an Horce. Afther
awhile tn boy at tn dure says: 'Ye're
next, OF party. Shtep lively fr IN
boss has had a Weehawken Peerooginy
sawed off on him this mornin' an
he mustn't be KEEP waitin'. An tn i'd
itor goes in. Who ARE yer says IN
great man, givin' him wan " thin
| piercin' looks that whin a man gets It
he has TO be sewed up at wanst. / m
we're iditor,' says Hor'ce. Which
wan2 saws Pierpont. Number two
hundred an eight What's ye'er
spichiIty?' sTahrin an tn improvement
iv tn wurruld.' says Horce. See Per
gins saws Pierpont. an tn intherV1ew
is over. Now what's made tn change?
Mechanical science. Hinnissy. Some
wan put up a masheen that puts steel
billets within IN reach iv all HINGE
Charlie Schwab.
What's il done fr tn WurraidT says
We. It's done ivrything. It's give US
fast ships an an autymatic hist IT IN
nod. an small fats an taste ~
solder in IN peaches. If ANYBODY says
I IN WurTulU AIN DENAAASA va N.4---
was tell HIM that a nasheen has beer
invinted that makes honey out Nv pc
throlyum. If he asts ye why they ain
amy Shakespeares today, say; No
but We no longer make sausages b'
hand
..'Tis progress. We live in cinch'
~ iv progress, an / thank tn Lore
I'VE seen most iv il. Man an boy I've
lived pretty near through this wondher-
| ful age. If | was proud / cud say
seen more thin julius Caesar iver SEE
or cared 10. An here l am. III not say
. how old. stiu pushin' tn malt acros
III counther al me thirsty country
. men. All around me is tn reineminu
. iv mechanical JANUS. Instead Il
, broachin' tn beer kag with club an
dhrawin' tn beer through a fasslt, az
me Puritan forefathers done. l hay'
that wondher Nv invintive science, IN
beer pump. 1 cheat mesih with A cast
. raygisther. I cut on tn end " m'
good cigar with an in1anyOus deVic'
an pull tn cork out iv a bottle with
CONTINUANCE that wud've made ths
frind that Hogan boasts about that o.
bov Archy Needs, think they wa
, witchcraft in tn house. Science ha
, been a great blessin' to me. Blu
) amidst all these granjoors here am
: tn same OF antiqUated combination +
, bellows an pump l always was. No
so good. Time has worn me out IN
years. like little boys with Jaekknives
has carved their names In me top. lvr.
day l have to write on something Z
depreeyation. IT'S about time fr who
I liver owns me TO wurruk me on on
thrust. Mechanical science has don
ivrything Fl me but help me. l sup
pose / ought TO feel supeeryor TO m
father. He niver see high buildin
but he didn't want TO. He eudden'
1 come here in FIVE days, but he was
4 wise man, and If he cud've come I
three he'd have stayed in tn Count
: | RoscommOn.
9Th pa-apers tells me that midica