The Irish standard., 1902-11-08

pretty soon or they'll get so powerful
and independent that they won't think
it worth while to pay for influence"
"You don't mean to cite your gov
eminent as an example Of a republic?"
"Well," answered the South Amer
lean dictator. there's only one little
difference between our republic and
yours. Instead of elections we have
revolutions"
"Do you believe that the rain falls
alike on the Just and the mjust"'
''Not a bit of it. The unjust have
the umbrellas"
Townc-My wife used to get nervous
every time she heard Il noise down.
stairs, but 1 assured her that it
couldn't be burglars. because they're
always careful not to make any noise.
Rrowne-So that Gained her, eli?
Towne-Not much. Now she gets
nervous every time she doesn't hear
any noise.
Old Diogcncs was stumbling around
in Minneapolis during Ames' admins
tration.
"What is tho trouble he was ask
cd.
"While | was hunting for an honest
man they stole my lantern" he sighed.
At the close of Il heightened and bit
ter wrangle between n Judge and
prominent counsel, the former said:
"Well. sir, IL you do not know how
to conduct yourself as a gentleman,
am sure I can't teach YOU"
no which the harristcr mildly re-
piled: "'Fhat is so, my Lord"
M. \. p. relates the following dia-
lo.'lc rs having taken place in Ennis.
Ireland, during Il hearing on the Stud
dcrt rcmount case:
Ono of the witnesses was asked,
"Did YOU sell Major Studdert horsc?"
ono. sor"
did your father sell Major Stud
dcrt horsc?"
"No. sor."
"Did your grandfather sell him
horsc?"
"No, sor.''
"Wcll then. did any member of your
family sell Major Studdcrt anything?"
eyes. sor."
"Who did, them"
81 did. sor"
"And what did you sell Major Stud
dcrt?"
81 sold him n mare. sor."
The counsel sat down and the court
rOared.
~ fear I am cockroaching upon your
time" said the polite Frcnchman.
81 beg pardon sir" said his polite
mentor. an Englishman, with the M
tional failing in speech, "you mean
hcn-croaching."
"Ah. thank you, saire." said the
Frcnchman. 81 see; it is 70 difference
in re gcndnirc"
"Well." said the cheerful wife, who
thought she had a soprano voice, "if
the worst comes to the worst, I could
keep the wolf from the door by sing
ing"
II don't doubt that would do It," re-
piled her pcssimistic husband, "but
suppose the wolf should happen to be
deaf?"
A country pnrson in England lately
went to preach in an old, remote par
ish, one Sunday, when the aged SEX
ton. in taking him to the place, in
sinnatingly said: II hope your rlv'-
renee won't mind preachin' from the
chancel; We sec, this is n quiet place,
an I've got duck sittin' on fourteen
eggs in the pulpit"
Young Addlepntc-Aw,d do you think
that an nstrologcr, by being told the
date Of my birth, could tell when my
misfortunes were to begin? Old
enthusiastically not; but he could
tell you when your parents misror-
tunes began.
Mrs. de Fad-,lhc latest fashion is
to have the piano built into the wall.
Mr.. dc Fad (wcarily)-Wcl that's
sensible! Let's wall-up ours.
ITc-That rich old maid refuses all
offers Of marriage. She-Well, prob
ably she knows a better way to hus-
band her resources
X-I am surprised at the appearance
Of your friend b. He looks wretched.
DO you know IL he has been disap-
pointed in love? mo; he has been
disappointed in marriage.