davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
pctttnx on a Certainty.

Peter Schemm. says the Philadelphia
Times, was fond Of telling the story Of
German typesetter who had been
boasting of his capacity for lager.
"Youse Dutchman," he was told by a
bartender. don't drink as much beer
as people says youse dor
"Of course not" Clipped in one Of
the customers. And I'll bet you.
Dutchy. you can't drink bucketful."
The German was lost In thought for
moment and then hurriedly rushed
from the saloon, while the others roar
ed with laughter. His Boosting was
still the topic Of conversation when he
returned. i've minutes later. and calm
ly said:
.Tll take that bet"
The money was posted. bar bucket
holding five quarts was filled and the
German promptly drank the beer and
took the So. Nobody questioned that
he had won fairly, but one OF the on
lockers asked.
Say. what did you leave the saloon
for that timer"
why" he said as he winked with
the air of man who was far too smart
for his fellows, Il gust went down to
Echmidt's and drank a bucket to see II
l would be safe in taking dot bet"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
A Primitive Clock.

A naturalist, while visiting Great
Sangir, one of those islands of the In
dian ocean known as the Celebes, or
Spice islands, found a curious time re-
corder lodged at the house of a rajah.
Two bottles were firmly lashed togeth-
er and fixed In wooden frame. A
quantity Of black sand ran from one
bottle into the other In just half an
hour, and when the upper bottle was
empty the frame was reversed. Twelve
short sticks, marked with notches frpm
one to twelve. were hung upon string.
A hook was placed between the stick
bearing the number of notches corre-
spending to the hour last struck and
the one to be struck next. The sentry
announced the time by striking the
hours on large gong.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Something TO BE ThaaLful For.

A Scotchman who has keen appre-
citation of the strong characteristics of
his countrymen delights In the story of
druggist known both for his thrift
and his philosophy
Once he was aroused from a deep
sleep by the ringing of his night bell.
He went down to his little shop and
sold dose Of rather nauseous medicine
to a distressed customer
What profit do you make out O.
that?" grumbled his wife.
"a ha'penny." was the cheerful an
swer
And for that bit o. money you'll lie
awake maybe an hour" she said impa-
tiently.
Never grumbie Ger that, woman"
was his placid answer. "The dose will
keep him awake all night. We must
thank heaven we ha' the profit and
none O. the pain O. this transaction"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
MIXED The LETTERS.
Serious Result of n Fool Man Try1nE
to Be Facetious.

A well known citizen of Clay Center
had been invited to an evening party
He wanted to go, but his wife declared
that she had no gown suitable for the
occasion and asked him to send re
grets" to their hostess. The man went
down to his Office and penned this face
tious note Of declination:
I'VE regret that your kind invitation
must be declined for all the convention.
al reasons, but the real reason Is that
half the family has nothing to wear.
Ny wife's latest dress is over three
weeks old, and her hat is twelve hours
out of date. You will appreciate the
hopelessness of the occasion and ex-
cuse u.s.
He thought this pretty good, and he
determined to write a note to his wife
also explaining that he would not be at
home for an early dinner, as she had
asked him. He said In this note:
II have turned down your invitation
because am going out to another even
ing party where the guests are not ex-
pected to wear anything of Importance
Sorry won't be there to kiss you good
night"
And then the fool man carelessly sent
his wife's note to the hostess and the
hostess note to his wife.-Clay Center
Times
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

why" said lady reproachfully to
her husband. you know when I say
Denmark l always mean Hollandw
Perhaps the city girl In the following
story, told by the Philadelphia Tele-
graph, allowed herself similar lati-
tude of expression:
She was sitting on the porch, lazily
rocking to and fro and watching the
firefiles fitting about through the
shrubbery. Suddenly she turned to
her companions and said In a musing
tone:
II wonder If 1t is true that nrefies
do get into the haymows sometimes
and set them aflre."
Everybody laughed at what was ap-
parently pleasantly, but the young
lady looked surprised.
why" said she, ut was only yester-
day that saw In the paper an article
headed Work of Firebugs.' 1t said
they had set barn on fire. Really"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Won MoItkc's simplicity.

Once while travelling General Moltke
entered small Swiss hotel, and as the
head waiter saw his gaunt figure stalk
ing In. wrapped in worn out, dusty
cloak, carrying an old leather satchel,
he measured his wealth by his looks
and ordered his assistant to show him
to II small room In the uppermost story
AS he was making himself comfort.
able in the attic another assistant came.
as Is customary there. to ask the silent
stranger his name and rank.
The consequence was that Il few min
utes later the proprietor. In full dress,
appeared at the door of the attic to In
form his exeellency that better room
had just been vacated.
Give that to my servant" replied
Moltke. when he comes with my car
rlage This Is good enough for me-"
And he remained.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
"MercuriaIe syrords.D

When was 1t usual to insert running
mercury In the backs of swords?
This was comparatively common
practice among the Italian, French and
Spanish swordmakers of the sixteenth
and seventeenth centuries, but 1t was
more of a fancy than anything else, for
1t never Gaze into general use. 1t was
not, Of course, used for rapiers or the
lighter kind of swords, but for the
heavier cutting swords.
The method was to cast the blade
rather broader at the back than usual
with hollow running down it. This
was half filed with quicksilver and
sealed up. The idea was that when a
blow was struck with such sword
the quicksilver would fly to the point
and SO increase the weight Of the blow
This theoretical advantage, however,
did not at all counterbalance the gen.
eral clumsiness of the weapon and Its
unhandiness In guarding, and so the
mereuriale swords. as they were called
from which their ingenious inventor
hoped so much, were rather military
curiosities than practical successes
London Answers.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31


Caleb Gushing desired people to keep
at distance from him while talking,
and many of his callers had habit of
gradually moving their chair nearer to
him during u conversation. So one day.
having been very much annoyed in that
way. he sent for n carpenter and made
him fasten two pieces OF board to the
legs of the chair and then screw 1t to
the floor at the place where he wanted
people to sit. When 1t was done, he
contemplated it with smile and re-
marked: II guess | have got them now
They can't blow their bad breath In
my face any more"
That chair raised laugh on many
a visitor. who, after several Intellectual
attempts to move II forward. would.
on looking closer. find 1t fastened to
the door.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
ANATOMICAL.
Each ear has four bones.

Each ear has four bones.
The body has about 500 muscles
The lower limbs contain thirty bones
each.
There are $4,000 pores In the hand
of man.
Man is the only animal that possesses
a real nose and chin.
The human skeleton, exclusive of
teeth. consists of 208 bones.
The eight muscles of the human jaw
exert force of about 500 pounds.
The wrist contains eight bones. the
palm five, the fingers have fourteen.
The smallest bone In the human body
Is In the lenticular. which IL seated in
the ear.
The work performed by the human
heart each twenty-four hours is equal
to the lifting of 100 tons to height Of
one foot In the same length of time.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
The S.ELarge School Of Shorthand : TypeWrtns
OFFERS EDUCATIONAL ADVANTAGES THAT ARE
DISTINCTLY FIRST-CLAss.

The principal Of this school brings
his work wi de practi cal exper ience as STE
no or apher, and exceptional ability amin
structor backed by tabl shed n utation
for doing
THOROUGHLY, sKILLFULLY AND CoNsCIENTIoUSLY
all he under takes do.
For Ell ghteen Years Principal Teacher of
the Shor thand Depar tment of the Stewart bus i
ness College. Has prepar ed more success full
S tenogr aphers than any teacher that has
tau ght graphy in this section of the
country
Advantages that positively guaranteed
to the tudent:
Hi 9h-Grade Techni cal ms truction
Every possible pers onal encoura cement,
Shor thand pr eparation that wi IL meet the
r equi ements Of the better paying posi- tions
in the bus mess communi ty
Prospects flattering. Seating capacity
l imi ted
Now is the time enroll.
School term begins Monday, Sept. l, 1902.
For fur Their par ii Gu lars, address
S. E. LARGE, Principal
S. Broad ST.. Trenton, N. j.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
III. Two Great Remedies.

"Meddlcin chests!' said the old re-
tired skipper. with snort of contempt
Il didn't ave no such tomfoolery
aboard my ship when were a-goin' to
sea. ketch me a-coddlin' of my croo.
No, sir! If so be as wun Of the 'ands
was feelln' queer, SEE to i'm: 'W'ere's
the pain? Is 1t above the belt or below
the beltT II e SEE it's below the belt.
| gives I'm hemmetic; If e SEE it's
above the belt. l gives i'm a dose o.
hepsom sorlts. Turn my ship hinto q
bloomin' chemists shop! Not me, sir"
London Telegraph.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
A Little Ch,ld.. Loneliness.


Little Mabel. says the woman's Jour-
nal. had been put to bed alone. Pres
emily she appeared in her nightgown
at the head of the stairs. saying plain
lively, I'm lonesomev' Her mother
gave her favorite rubber doll named
Happy to take to bed with her and for
a few minutes she was quiet. Then
she reappeared with her plant of lone.
someness. This time her mother re-
minded her that God was with her and
sent her back to bed with a reproof.
Soon she was heard weeping bitterly.
and when her mother went to her little
Mabel summed up her sense of misery
by exclaiming. AZ don't want Happy,
and I don't want God: want some
body with skin facer
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

A dog belonging to Hercules Tyrius
was one day walking along the sea-
shore when he found and ate murex,
species of shellfsh. Returning to
his master the latter noticed that the
dogs lips were tinged with color, and
In this manner Tyrian purple was dis
covered. The color was used In the
robes of emperors and mobiles. and the
expression born to the purple" meant
that the person was of high birth. 1t
is strange to think that the favorite
color OF royalty can be traced to the
curiosity or hunger of the dog Of Tyre.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Conspiracy.

"Squibob, you are still reporting for
the Daily Bread, aren't you?"
Eyes"
Say. l am going to spend the even
ing with the daughter of old Professor
Noett. and he doesn't like me bit. I
want you to help me through"
"Me? What can do to help you"
Call on him in his study about
o'clock and ask him this question: Pro
fessor, to what do you attribute the
decay of DarwinismT"
what good will that do?"
Hell spend the whole ev n,ng argu-
ing to prove that Darwinis: :sn't de-
eaying."-Chicago Tribune
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Collar" Is the unusual name applied
IN England to n preparation Of meat
that is only slightly different from one
often served here. Equal parts Of cold
cooked ham and tongue are put through
the meat chopper and afterward pound
ed to paste, n little dry mustard add
ed aud the whole heated. When warm,
and let stand to get cold and pack into
form. Slice thin and serve ut luncheon
or supper. Harper's Bazaar.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
The Shirt wa, willing,

See here" cried the tailor as Slopay,
having donned his new suit started out
of the store; you're forgetting some
thing"
Indeed 2" said Slopay. What's that"
You must remember our understand
Ing made this suit for you only be-
cause you said you wanted to pay cash
for IT,
"And | still want to, but I'm sorry to
say l n't."-Philadelphia Press.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

A hotel man in Charlottesville. Ind.
discharged walter who was counting
the employers daughter. The daugh-
ter disappeared and later wrote home
saying she had Joined the discharged
man and married him. 1t Is apparent
that the waiter waited for the girl
after he quit waiting for her father
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Reform HlnclSnd.

Look here" said the reforming hus.
band, 1--WE must have things arranged
In this house 80 that we shall know
Just where everything Is kept"
with all my heart" sweetly an.
swered his wife. "and let us begin with
your late hours my love. should
dearly like 10 know where they are
kept"
He let things run on as usual.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Why shouldn't the great American
farmer feel rather chesty? According
to the statement Of the secretary Of
agriculture. his products last year ag-
gregated S3.000,000000. or more than
Eve times as much as the nations en-
tire interest bearing debt.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
OIntment, From Vh.le..

Spermaceti. which is often used In
ternally in catarrh and other affections,
as we'll as in the form of ointments for
wounds and excavations of the skin, 10
obtained from the head of a monster Of
the whale kind which abounds in the
south seas, while the highly esteemed
ambergrls is only condition Of dis
ease In the same animal
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
The First Christmas Tree.

The Christmas tree was first heard OF
In England about 1444 A tree was
then set up in the middle Of a pave
ment and decked with ivy as well an
with other greens. From this use it
was finally taken within the home,
decorated with candles and eventually
with anything which giistened and en-
HANGED its brightness.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
A Matter NJ uu.,,cs..

Il cannot understand. sir, why you
permit your daughter to sue me for
breach of promise You remember that
you were bitterly opposed to our en-
gagement because wasn't good enough
for her and would disgrace the family"
Young man. that was sentiment;
this il business"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

The Kentucky distillers have con-
cluded TO organize and carry their own
fire insurance. Now. how would the
Kentuckians like 1t II the insurance
companies should retaliate by getting
together and making their own whisky7
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Hamilton W. Mabis's little story
about certain Boston religious week
ly, told at the recent Mark Twain din
ner in New York, wasn't half bad.
This religious paper. it seems, was at
first called the Fireside Companion,
but when modern ways and especially
modern methods of heating were intro
duced the Fireside Companion became
the Christian Register
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Johnnie's sugwestion.


A favorite trick Of Alsatian market
women is to place six or eight Adde'S
cent eggs In small basket and to de-
clare that those are all the absolutely
fresh ones they have. The victim buys
them. thinking that II the woman were
dishonest she would have offered more
fresh eggs" Afterward the market
woman takes six or more out of lar
ger basket which is carefully covered
over.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

A gentleman who makes a speciality
Of weather predicting says that we are
to have twenty-seven snowstorms this
winter. This will be delightful news
for the man with long stretch Of
sidewalk.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

The Trenton On. JJ man who hid
s65 In stove In which his wife after
ward built fire is at least one point
better off than II he had spent the
money the night before in having "a
glorious time with the boys" He had
no headache.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Johnny. Awful predicament.

JOHNNY wish my folks would
agree upon one thing and not keep me
all the time In a worry.
Tommy-What have they BEEN doing
now?
Johnny-Mother won't let s,e stand
on my head, and dad is all the time
fussing because l wear my shoes out
10 fast.-Boston Transcript.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Doctors Little Girl-Your pdpa owes
my papa money.
Lawyers Little Girl-That's nothing.
Papa said he was glad to get of with
his life.-Baltimore American.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

While n hatpin may be useful as a
weapon or as tool for doing various
odd Jobs, it has Its drawbacks as a
surgical instrument. A Hoboken N.
j. girl has lost her Ife Though pick
ing her ear with hatpin.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Anyway Reed Smoot the Mormon
who wants to break into the United
States senate. ought not to be held re-
sponsible for his name He probably
had no voice in its selection.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Grammatical.

Mr.. Kailow- Er-beg parsson. Miss
Snappe, but can I smoke?
Miss Snappe-Im sure do.st know,
but IL you've never tried before please
don't begin here.-PhiladelphiA Press.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Good Ren{son.

Blobbs - Why was the, engagement
broken of between HardupNe and Miss
Bjones?
Slobbsl believe they came to the
conclusion that her income wasn't large
enough to support them both.-Phila-
delphia Record.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Ingomar Buskin-There's dispute
about my acting. Some critics put 1t
In the first rank, others In the second
Now, how would you designate It?
Horatio Jones-I? Oh, I'd simply
designate 1t as rank.--New York Times
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
The Annrecintian.

The Author (after the first perform
ance)-Well, what do you think Of my
plays
Feminine Friend-It was Just lovely!
Who designed the heavenly dresses7-
Brooklyn Life.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

II don't see why you call him greedy
when he gave you his nice large apple
to divide"
That's just It. or course Ind to
give him the biggest piece"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Strategy.

Daughter-Papa did not take the pa.
per to the Office with him this morning.
Mother-He didnt7 I'll bet it's got
n lot of stun showing how women can
trim their own bonnets.-New York
Weekly
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

When you go to collect bill, the man
at the counter is less apt to inquire
about the health OF your family than
when you go to pay one.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Though the Britons whipped the
Beers, the latter are getting even with
vengeance. They are writing books
and selling them to the English.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

The spoon Is very ancient. and many
fine specimens are In existence that
were used by the Egyptians In the
seventeenth century B. G.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

(which do you think should be more
highly esteemed, money or brainsT
BRAINS" answered Senator Sor-
ghum. But nowadays the only way .
man can convince people that he has
brains is to get Observation-Disclosures
Star.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

We see others as they are not: our
selves us we should like to be.-Satur-
day Evening Post.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Some men start wrong and are late
at every station all through life-Atch-
ison Globe.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Spain discreetly refrains from offer
ing any suggestions as to how Cuba
should be managed.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

People worya Sc, more real enjoy
ment out Of money II 1t took them as
long to spend 1t as II does to earn it,
Chicago News.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31

Mr.. WI will now show China what
4 f,rst class postprandial speech is like,
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1902-12-31
Following Good Preachinr.

Following Good Preaching.
Vicar (severely. to his cook)-Mary.
you had a soldier to supper last night.
Cook-Yes, sir: he's my brother.
vicar-But you told me you had no
brother.
Cook-So l thought, sir, until you
preached last Sunday and told W we
were all brothers and sisters.-Londou
Tit Bits.
Johnnie's SUGGESTION.
Johnnie. bright boy Of six, while
being dressed for school. observing his
little coat much the worse for wear and
having more mended places than he
admired. turned to his mother and
asked her:
Mother. is father richY'
Eyes; very rich. Johnnie. He's worth
$4,000, 000."
"How. motherT
"Oh. he values you at 81. OO0. 900. me
at 81. 00o, 900 and the baby at $500. 900. I"
Johnnie. after thinking moment.
said:
Mother, hadn't you better tell ia
Their to sell the baby and buy US some
ciothesf"
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1902-08-10
West dianupOIis.

Miss Lora Shinn is visiting relatives in
Greencastle.
Mrs. J. s. Sanders and son Harry are Wis
ting friends in Bridgeport
Mrs. Harry Robertson has returned from
a visit 10 friends at Acton Park.
Mrs. w A. Fox and daughter Ruth are
visiting friends in Martinsville.
Miss Harriet Phipps has returned from
short visit 10 friends in Martinsville.
Mrs. Nina Ash and son John, of AIilwau-
kee, are guests Of Mrs. Roscoe Shinn.
Mrs. George Leachman returned last
week from visit TO friends in Terre Haute
The Rev. and Mrs B. L. Allen have re-
Park.
Mr.. Almond and son returned last week
from ten days visit to friends in Plain
Mr.. and Mrs. D. r. Crull, of Memphis
Tenn. are guests of Mr.. and Mrs. A. ID.
Crull.
Miss Kate Baker, of Elwood who was
the guest of Mrs John Baker, has returned
home.
Miss Hattie Cobb. of Anderson. who was
the guest OF Mrs. I. I. Mcclure, has re-
turned home.
was the guest of b. +. Wysong, has re-
turned home.
Mr.. William Story has returned from a
visit TO friends and relatives in Buffalo and
Niagara Falls.
Miss Frances Pickerill, who was the guest
of Miss Jessie Linton at Acton Park has
returned home.
Mrs. A. Gordon and Miss Katherine Lee
returned last week from a visit TO friends
in Terre Haute.
Miss Verna Calvert who was visiting
Miss Mabel Bruce. has returned TO her
home in Scottsburg.
Mrs. J. w McGrew returned last week
from a visit TO friends and relatives in
RushVille and COnnersville.