Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1902-10-25
THE NEW BoARDER

The map with. the underfed look sighed
heavily aShe pfumped himself into cor
ner seat on an aytown car the other after
noon. soc 20
why dun't ydn split that cord o grief
up into job lotsrand auction 1t ofr?' in
quired thed acquaintance sitting next to
him. Il ztF
Cant help il" .wearily replied the under
1eo-iookins man; These debuts are driv-
ing me tp runsand-gum. That's what.
iheyre asrophytpg my aortal artery for
sure and eertainithing
"Debuts, hey2" commented the acquaint-
ance. You're asclawy-looking crus'acean
to be making a. debut. just filter that. VIII
you, and lat us sn?'
well, these butt-ins, then" mcaned the
underfed-looker.i with another deep sigh
These boarding house butt-ins. These
boarding house -all-around introductions.
then, II you can't understand good English
I've got to stack up against another OF
them this evening In about three-quarters
OF an hour from now I'll be taking my nrst
dinner at a new boarding house, and that
means that I've got to go through the o!o
oroeai OF being handed around by the lano-
lady to the whole bunch and presented to
EN-. It's "A little habit Of Washington
boarding house landladies that doesn't pre-
vail anywhere else on earth that l know
OF AND you can't get away from IT.. Du.
ing the fourteen years that I've been ooaro-
ins-housing 1t in Washington I've peen
tossed around by the landladies and intro
duced just exactly forty-two times, which
Is at the average rate Of three losses
around per annum. Taking the average ol
each boarding houses occupants at twenty
individuals, that means $40 boarding house
knockers that I've been led up to for intro
ductton purposes during the fourteen years
There's no getting away from It, You
can't stay away from meals until the Wnole
outfits finished eating permanently-nrstiy
because you can't stand the cold meals and
the sour looks of the servants and, sec
ondly. II you don't show up for meals While
some OF the rest OF EN- are eatlng the
noted crook. lying low from observation,
and engaged in the manufacture or SILVER
dimes and quarters in your room. OF tnat
you've got such continuous performance
bun on that you daren't trust yourself at
the table before other folks.
The only way" went on the underfed-
looking man. sadly. ''is to prance right up
to the firing line at the outset Of the Skin
msh and take your little dose-but it's
hard-hard. And-it doesn't become any less
hard for the boarding house victim as the
years slide away.
We'll, you skate in after walking up and
down your room for half an hour, trying
to get yourself edged up to the ordeal, and
you try to look as IL you're ee-parts
dead with total Indifference. You don't look
d. any VI ell, Out ny liIc Iiiiio yob iii"i.
the chair that the grinning girl of all work
yanks out for you you feel positive that
you've got more feet than any colossal
Cingalese centipede that ever climbed
cinnamon tree, and enough hands to con-
stitute the entire working force Of carpet
factory. Your throat Is as hot and dry as
If you'd been on an unbroken absinthe toot
for four days running, there's numpness
at the back of your head as II you'd been
bitten there by ella monster, and your
spine Is as cold as the for'ard capstain or
gunboat in the Boring sea. MeanWhile' you
know perfectly we'll that the nudglng ana
the kicking under the table is going right
on. You know that the two mischleVous-
looking, twinkling-eyed girls, who some
how or another remind you OF grass via
ows, at the other end of the table, are say
ing to themselves, That one good-looking.
Ell? And Interesting? Me, oh. my! Good
ness gracious sakes alive! did you ever
see such poppy eyes and such stringy mar
on a human being in your llfeE ana SO on
and then when the waiter girl fetches your
soup and you try to take the first guip or
it, you feel as If your Adams apple is as
big as the egg of a giant aux
''While you don't exactly see it, you know
that the men at the table are exchanging
grins with each other, and that when they
get I'D to their rooms for a smoke together
they'll give you the boot, and say " 1e sel
next to the ham-handed gazuzzus that
taken the third floor back. and the rum
dumb way he acted when he Hoped into the
dining room and toppled into his seat?
Looked like he'd just got over dose OF the
junper-berry Wfllies. didn't he?-and her
was telling us that when that farmer
turned up we'd all have to go to them at
for the full count-ha. ha, ha!
1T is just at this stage of it, when you
are thinking about what bully time, after
all, poor old Robinson Crusoe ard DAM
Boone and the rest of those isolated people
had of it, that the landlady energies from
the kit chen, where she has been supervising
I, n,,I Gvir
with a stony smile. tips you off that the
craggiest part of the performance is just
about to begin.
'Humph-uh,' she says, SOS to attract
the attention Of all hands-theyve already,
after their first inspection, dropped you for
a wholly unsatisfactory propostion-"Mr
-er-er'-trying hard to remember your
name and getting red and f1ustered because
Mr.. Kerswuggs, I want to make you
known to" and then it's on. She starts
off with the row Of grinners and underline
chair kickers right across the table from
your seat, and then goes up and down the
line-"Mr. Heapmuch-you've no doubt
heard Of hin1-of the land office-one Of the
chiefs, you rackla ckt-Miss Fishface-last
of the line of the Fishfaces of Virginia.
YOU racklackt?-and the Miss Gigglerinos-
I'm sure you'll get on-they're so musical.
lie dear creatures-and Mr. 1amitt-'mem-
Der ?-the representative from-where was
it?-some years ago-now one of our dis
trict lawyers, hHoW-aHu MI. fuhnycuD-
you've heard of him, the mandolin player
of course ?-and Mrs. Giittereye-Treasury
y'know-and Mrs Cunnnthing-maybe you
have heard of the-er-late Mr.. Cunnin-
thing, no?-' and that's the way it goes
I'D and down the rows of tables. And all
the time you're noddng and simpering like
a mush head and you feel like pa different
kinds of bughouse patients. and you know
that you look like twice that many. And
when it's all over you feel like a second
story worker who'd been hiding out for
four weeks in a Highbinders hop-joint!
And here's where 1 get off, and I've got to
go through all O. that in just thirty two
minutes from now.
In Praise of Checkers
From the Chicago Chronicle
. ,,o, ,,,,rt serve his time to o,,ar,- +roaa