davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
.rAe Smorrnshord.

The SweOes use the smorgasbOrd as
whet for dinner or supper. The smor-
EaSlOrd consists of Il side table fur.
nislcd with bits of fish, ham, meat and
other things. The fish is; nearly sure
to be raw. You may eat II In morscls.
with hard boiled eggs or with oatcnke
or bread. There are also butter and
cheese and pickles. and You are sup
posed to vary the entertainment with
one or two glasses of corn brundy-a
Very different spirit to cognac-w which
may be contained In vessels like ten
Iins. with taps needing to he turned
Anglo S:lNuns at first acquaintance
are proae - imagine that 1t is nll the
meal. In this matter | have heard II
gentle waitress rcproach IL country
man of mine infcrcntially In way
that ought to have staggered his heart.
The ignorant gentleman went from ono
little dish to another and like Il swarm
of locusts, left nothing i'm his track
He also tossed Oft the thimblcfuls of
corn brandy as II they had been so
much lemonade. "Monslcvr' muir
INJURED the girl at length, your dinner
is ready" And She pointed to his soup,
which smoked for him at the dining
table proper All the Year Round.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
The wonderful st.ra,h.

There are scores upon scores Of DIFF
ferent forms of marine animal life
that come within the category assigned
to starlishcs, but the most singular
specimen in the whole group is the
splendid dastrophyton-the "sca basket
of the sailors. 1t is truly Il wonderful
specimen of marine life, having hun
dreds of long and short, straight, twist
ed and curled tentaclcs and but for the
gcometric precision of the plan upon
which the starlike body" is fashioned
might be mistaken for miniature, cir
cular specimen of the devilfsh The
center of the creature, the ''hub," from
which the five stout arms radiate, is
the body, head and thinking ma
chine" of our curious astrophyton.
The whole, not including the laby-
rinthine tentacles, which branch to all
the points and intermediate points of
the compass looks for all the world
like an animated Fourth Of July fire
wheel The five main arms are divided
into three each within short space
from the astro's body, and these three
are almost Immediately subdivided in
to innulnerablc other arms and ten
taclcs, the whole forming net by
mems of which 1t captures its prey and
holds It's victims until the life has been
sucked out of them.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16

To review the work of Columbus
without referring to that of Ncspucius
and Magellan would leave the story OF
new sea and world discovery discon-
nected and incomplete. This will he
patent when 1t Is remembered that,
though n believer i'll the rotundity OF
the earth, it was not Columbus, but
Magellan, who first physically demon
strateu that fact by decentralization
And Magellan might have failed but
for the previous work of Nespucius
The latter had explored the Atlantic
coast of South America farther south
than any of his predecessors and the
south Atlantic ocean eastward to the
Islands of South Georgia, nearly to the
parallel of Cape Horn.
by this journey Vespucius demon
Strated with IL considerable degree of
certainty that the strait, which had
for some years been looked for, lead
ing to the elusive unknown sea that
bounded the eastern const of Asia, was
not to be found through the new lands
of the west north of "a degrees south
Mt all events. The mouth of the ANA
zon, the bays of Rio Janciro and of the
La Plata had been explored and We're
found to contain fresh water, so that
through none of these could an eli
trance to the unknown sea on the fur
ther west be found
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Moth Were Shocked.

Little Elsie was n faithful attendant
al Sandy school and had listened ear
nestly when plans for coming Chris
tan EildcavOr convention were dis
cusscd. her interest Increasing to en-
thusiasm over the mysterious affair
when she learned that her auntie was
to attend as IL delegate
Coming into the library one day,
nuntic saw the little maid busily en-
gagged In writing IL letter to a cousin
with whom she kept UP IL juvenile cor
iel,ondence. She scrlwlcd industri-
Ously for IL moment; then stopped.
There was a puzzled expression on her
fat, ink stained face as she dangled her
short legs and wri9gled uncomfortably
on her high perch
"Auntie," she said. ''how do you spell
'dcvil!"
''Oh. Elsic." said her auntic, 81 am
shocked! Why are you using such Il
word as that in your letter: Nice little
girls never say such things"
1t was Elsic's turn to be shocked.
why, aGstic," she cried. lin only
telling her about the Christian and
devil convention" = uarpcr's Maga-
zine
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
'rhe Art of Brcvity.


Tho Spartans We're distinguished for
the lsrevity and cuncisencSs of their
speech On one occasion during Il ter
riblc famine the inhabitants OF an is
land in the .iGgcan sea sent an cmlas-
sndor to Sparta, who made speech
imp,oring its aid. lie had hardly fin
ishcd before the Spartans sent him
back these words. I'VE did not UNDER
stand the end of your speech and have
forgotten the beginning"
The poor, starving people chose an
other spokesman and impressed upon
him to make his request as brief as
possible.
He therefore took with him guam
tity of sacks. opened one before the as
senbly and said simply, 1T is empty;
fill it,
The sack was filled us well as the
others, but the chief of the assembly
said as he dismissed the ambassador,
loaded with meal: ut wasn't necessary
to inform us that the sack was empty.
We saw it ourselves. Neither was it
necessary to request us to fill it. We
should have done it OH our own ac-
count. BE less long winded next time" /"
Christian Endcavor World
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
A Sc,,rcd Cnrnse.

ut was. I think. at the Haymarket
that one of the most amusing of unre-
hcarscd incidents occurred says IL
writer in ~. \. =. ''rhe play was
Romeo and Juliet Mrs. Scott Sid
dons was the Juliet OF the occasion.
All went Well until the final scene.
Paris was duly Slain, and Juliet lay
stretched upon her bier. Just then
some of the scenery caught alight
somehow, but some men from behind
soon eNtinguished it. Juliet, with com
mendable presence of mind, did not
move an eNcid. but the corpse of Paris
was nervous. He raised himself to Il
sitting posture, then got upon his feet
and fled from the stage. The danger
being removed, his courage returned,
and the audience was afforded the
pleasing spectacle of Il corpse crawling
along the stage from the wings to take
UP the proper position for the final cur
tain. 1t was too tremendous an anti
climax to the tragedy of the play, and
the house was simply convulscd"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
If Two Worlds should Meet

Our world Is spinning through space
at a speed of over 1000 miles per min
ute. says an astronomer. Should 1t
come in collision With Il globe of equal
size going MT the same rate of speed,
what would he the result? The very
best thinkers of the age tell us that
heat enough would he generated by
the shock to transform both of the col
Hiding bodies into gigantic balls of va
por many times their present circum
fcrcnces. Some have thought that III
case the center of the earth is com.
posed of solid and colder matter than
Is the generally accepted belief this
might not he the case, but after search
ing all the leading authorities must
admit that I cannot find Il more APP
propriate "!inis" than the following,
which is from an eminent scientist:
Should sucl, an unhcard of event occur
the heat generated would he sufficient
to melt, boil and completely NnporiZc Il
mass of Ice fully 100 times the bulk of
both the colliding worlds = In other
words, am ice planet 100000 miles In
diameter
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Flowers and Pofsons.

Ever since the days of that floral
abomination, the green carnation, we
have known that flowers are suscepti-
ble to the influence of drugs and can
be made to change their colors by prop
er, or, rather, improper, treatment
This branch of Horticulture has been
pursued further by inquiring people,
and 1t seems that plants are as liable
to the effects of poisons as are human
beings. Ii you give flower too much
chloroform, 1t will not agree with it..
In the words of the operator. sit droops
and dies" 1t is difficult to see what is
the advantage Of this particular study.
Every one knows that flowers can be
killed far too easily. III some scicntif-
ic person would find Il way of causing
them to bloom all the year round in
our climate, that would be something
of Il discovery less scientific, perhaps,
but much more acceptable. = London
Tatlcr.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16

a correspondent tells the following
story of methods OF censorship in Rus
sia: was Mt an evening party of the
local press censor i'm south Russian
town. About midnight had strolled
from the music room into cardroom
and was watching Il game of cards,
one Of the players being our host, the
censor, when the hostess approached
her husband and said: II wish, my
dear, YOU would step behind. There
are three poor wretcl.cs there who
have been waiting for you couple of
hours. did not wish to disturb you
sooner" They must wait Il little lon
ger" replied the censor. II must finish
my rubber" Twenty minutes later
our host absented himself for quar-
ter of an hour. Meeting his wife next
day, asked her who We're the three
poor wretches" referred to. editors
of the three local Journals" She re-
piled. They had waited two and Il
half hours In the censors back kitchen
with their manuscript and proof sheets
for that mornings ISSUE without which
they could not go to press.-pearsons
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16

A proverb has been defined as ''the
wisdom of the many and the wit Of
one" but, clever as this definition is,
1t is scarcely borne out by compari-
son of the most familiar of our prov
cribs. The following are some of the
most striking: Penny Wise and pound
foolish is the exact opposite of Take
care of the pence and the pounds will
take care of themselves" so Birds of
a feather flock together and Two OF
a trade never agree" ''Absence makes
the heart grow fonder' and "Out of
sight, out of mind.' are just as con-
Trajectory as MANY hands make light
work. and Too many cooks spoil the
broth" So, too, .Dclays are danger
Gus" is the flat opposite of Second
thoughts are best" while the philoso-
phcr who invented the axiom THE
early bird catches the worm had APP
parently never heard of King Alfonso's
world renowned saying that IAN
things come to him who waits" On
this particular subject the opinion of
the worm and the bird might be worth
having.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Iladnt U.ed Any Hysterin.

certain lady of title recovered from
a rather severe illness. An adept with
the brush and regular exhibitor Of
water colors In connection with the
local art gallery, ii was supposed she
had overworked herself.
When the doctor WIS called in, an
old nurse who had been in the family
many years bored the medical man
with her opinions as to the cause of
the attack.
Its them long hours an hard work
Of the paintin' what's done it," she re-
marked directly she saw him. The
doctor was prcoccupicd and scarcely
heard the remark.
'IIas her ladyship exhibited any
traces of hysteria!' he suddenly de-
manded, turning to the talkative nurse.
"Oh, no, SIR" was the unexpected re-
ply "rhey was water colors, all on
'em-real beauties toe" ."-Alilwaukce
Wisconsin.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
No Cnusc For Alarm.

Rev. MIR. Brown. n man of less than
medium stature, possessed high
squcaky voice. Not long ago he was
invited to exchange pulpits with a
minister In II ncighboring city. The
church in which he was to preach was
much more imposing than the home
chapel. says I.ippincott's Magazine
Arriving early. he pccrcd from behind
the pulpit and watched Whit he con
sidcrcd am immense congregation with
trcpidation.
a.; the last notes of the organ volun-
tary died away his little head popped
up from behind the desk, and without
word of warning lie pipcd out. at Is
1; be not afraid
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Surprised His Wife.

A story is told of Pennsylvania
farmer who wore his old suit until ev-
cry one was tired of it, and his esti-
muble wife was almost ashamed of the
hustling man who had been inside i,
so long. But one day he went to town
to sell his produce, and while there he
determined to buy a new suit and
happy thought, surprise Eliza. So hc
bundled a neat suit into the wagon and
drove homeward.
1t was after night as he hurried
homeward. and at Il bridge over a
river he stood up on the wagon and
''peeled" and threw the despised old
suit In the water. Then he reached for
his new clothes. They We're gone
had joltcd out of the wagon. The night
was cold and his teeth chattered as he
hurried home. He surprised Eliza even
more than he anticipated.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16

1t was in Rayard Taylor's day that
the sun myth had it's vogue. One night
at IL party Taylor was greatly bored by
the persistent efforts of a guest to dis
cuss sun myths No matter what dircc-
ton the conversation might take. this
person would ruthlessly drag it back
again to his favorite topic.
At last the distressed poet raised n
very interesting question in regard to
the thrcadba"e subject. Ibid you ever
think" he asked. that the name Smith,
so common all over the world, is de-
rived from sun myth!" No one had
ever dreamed of such thing. Max Null
Ter had overlooked the point complete
~.
Quite possible: certainly most plau-
sible," said Taylor. "Sun myth, Su-
myth, Smyth, Smith. and some still
spell the name with "" The discus
sion was ended
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
The Teacher and the shirt.

There is a teacher in school IN n
town in New Jersey who has Brooklyn
relatives, since 1t is her birthplace and
was her residence until She wandered
Into the wilds of Jersey to train the
youthful savage in the way he should
cducaticnally go. Among her scholars
was one boy, a Tommy Russell, who
was we'll nigh incorrgible. One day,
patience exhausted, the teacher caught
the lad and gave him Il shaking that
made his teeth rattle in their sockets.
More, so vigorous was her clutch that
she tore his sliirt The next morning
the lad appeared with a neat bundle,
laying it before the teachcr Oh the
desk.
"What is this. Tommy" asked the
teacher.
81 dunno, teacher" was the reply
"Mc mudder Sod Civ t'yousc"
The teacher opened the bundle To
;ind Tommys torn shirt with this
memorandum:
You tore the shirt; now you can
mend it, Brooklyn Eagle.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Olllri.nn

At musicale where priest was a
guest young woman with robust
soprano voice did most of the enter
taMing. She WAS very proud of her
accomplishments and her musical cd
ucat!on. She sang songs in German,
italian. French and English. When
she appeared TO have exhausted her
repertory and the company present
We're wishing for change in the pro
grammc, the clergyman paid her some
compliments and added:
why, Miss Jones, think you could
sing ad infinitum"
II really don't know it." responded
the obliging young woman, "Dut If the
music is here LII try it."-Ncw York
Times.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
His Worn, Clasa

Hello. papa" cried the daughter OF
the Wall street operator after the fa-
thcr reached his porch after his ride
out from the city OH suburban train
and seated his little one on his knee.
but. papa, I've got one you can't
guess"
Cant sness:' sasa the anancier.
"Another new joke!"
IA good one, too," chattcrcd the lit
tie girl. You ought to guess it, but
you can't. Now, if n student is a book
worm what kind of Il worm are YOU"
"Well. that is IL hard one. We're all
supposed to be worms in one way
said the speculator.
eyes, but you'd be II tapcworm, !"
broke in the little girl. with Il burst of
laughter; you read the ticker tape SO
much.'
That's right" was the answer
New York Tribune.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
CensorinR Shakespeare.

A masterpiece of censorship was once
performed by the Turkish censor, MIS-
chan Effcndi. OH the occasion of the
production Of Shakespeare's "Othello"
at Constantinoplc. He corrected" the
drama so thoroughly as to leave hard
ly a trace of the original. Among 9TH
er words. be expunged Cyprus Civ
ing ingenious reasons for this corrcc-
ton. Cyprus" lie said, lis Turkish
island. 1t would be politically unwise
to send Othello to Cyprus, because the
territorial integrity of Turkey is guar
antecd by trcnties. Why not put, in
stead of Cyprus, some Greek island,
such as Corful" And thus it came to
pass that from respect to the treaty of
Paris Othello had to go TO Corfu.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Pepys on Lent.

The scarcity of fish In old times in
England made it difficult for the poor
to keep Lent. Pepys remarks, 1.-The
talk Of the towne now is whether Lent
shall be kept with the strictnessc OF
the kings proclamation, which is
thought cannot be, because of the poor
who cannot buy fish" He also says:
Notwithstanding my resolution, yet,
for want of other victualls, l did eat
flesh this Lent" and again, "Our din
ner was only sugar sopps and fish, the
only time we have had Lenten din
ner all this Lent"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Worth Trying Awatn.

the impecunious author passed over
the manuscript with faltering hand.
The aged but truthful editor started.
"Er-Mr. Wrightly," he said, With
the air Of Il man who has just become
saddled with a great thought. "did you
ever hear that Walter Scott received
the suggestion of his first successful
novel while he was washing his hands?''
I'll believe read of It," stammered
the impecunious author, slipping his
hands into his pockets. A faraway
look came into the face of the aged
but truthful editor.
II was merely throwing out the sug-
gestion," he said softly.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
The Aatute Salesman.

An nstute salesman was cnjoincd by
his employer to be strictly honest, but
to sell goods. Next day the salesman
displayed some new fabrics, saying to
the lady shoppers Here is some calico
that looks just like silk" But they
turned up their noses scornfully. The
followin. day he said to the same
shoppers, "IIcre is some silk that is
made to look like cnlico," and they
bought every yard Of it. This shows us
that we should use due judgment as to
which end OF truth is first presented.
Judge.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
A Manager.

A golfing magazine tells this story of
man who applied for the secretary
ship of a club.
"You understand" said the captain,
"that we want a secretary who is thor
oughly accustomed to managing men,"
I'm that case" answered the appli-
cant sadly, "Pm afraid It's not me you
want, but my wife"
He IS bunkered.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
To Clean Brass.

To clean brass and keep 1T always
bright rub it with solution Of oxalic
acid, one ounce Of acid to one pint of
water, and alternate with solution
composed of one-lalf pound of rotten
stone and one ounce of oSalic acid,
with as much water as will make it
into stiff paste. Apply the solutions
and polish with a piece of leather or
an old silk handkerchief. Both solu-
tions should be labeled Poison"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Great Canl,lers.

In Europe and the new world the
most inveterate gamblers are the Span
iards and their descendants. Among
African tribes the IIaussas run the
Chinese very close, and there are some
Kanaka tribes in the south seas who
push the hazard Of gambling beyond
the grave and stake their very bones
on last throw of the cowrie shells,
which they use as dice.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
English h1eot I.ic

The veal and ham pie which is Il
common English dish should be bettcl
known here The bone end OF Il piece
of veal is stewed TIL the meat is ten
der, with AN equal amount of smoked
ham. Take out the bone, strain Tho
stock and separate the veal and han
pieces Cut each in strips and lay In
alternate layers In deep baking dish
Season, cover with the clear stock and
finish the dish with n flaky crust that
will bake quickly. The dish is eaten
cold and when cut like nny pie 1t viii
be found that the meat is set In de
licious jelly.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Sherlffs Proclamation.

Pursuant to law |, John L SHELTON.
Sheriff of Harrison County do her eby
proclaim and make known and give
notice, that at the general election to
be held on the Tuesday next after the
first Monday in November A ID 1902.
the same being the Fourth day of
November 1902, the following off ces
are to be filled by the vote of ali the
electors of the County, towit;
The office of county auditor.
The office of clerk of district court.
The office of recorder of deeds.
The office of county attorney.
The otiiceof two county supervisors.
Whereof, all the electors through
out the county will take due notice
and govern themselves accordingly.
In testimony whereof have hereun-
to set my hand this l4th day of Octob.
er 1902.
JOHN l. SHELTON.
Sheriff of Harrison County.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Growing Walking Canes.

Few men who use walking canes are
aware that the growing OF walking
stalks is a special industry and that
certain kinds of canes are not merely
collected as they may be found grow
Ing in forests. One may find ut any
store where the sticks are sold many
canes OF almost precisely the same
length, weight, shape and material.
Canes having Il tangle of roots at the
handle, for Instance, are much sold In
England. They are grown by farm
err who makes it speciality to trim
and shape young ash plants
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
A Remarkable Petition

The keeper Of the mcnagcrc at Ver-
sailles during the reign of Louis XVI.
had orders to administer six bottles Of
burgundy every day to a dronedary
which had grown feeble with old age
and which the king was very anxious
to keep alive. In spite of this ultra
generous treatment the animal died, to
the great despair of his nurse who pc
titioned the king with view of obtain
Ing the succession of the dromedary"
that Is to say, all the advantages at
tlched to his person.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
No breath to Waste.

'"There is something about the at
mosphere In the far north that makes
men very quiet" said man from up
In the frozen region the other day
''The habit is acquired, suppose, in
necessary to use all your breath for
breathing and leaves you none for
talking. The result is that the men
talk very little. They become almost
speechless and will sit about at night,
each thinking his own thoughts and
allowing his fellows to do the same"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1902-10-16
Women In Command.

In several villages of Finland the
woman has authority, for religious
sect exists there whose disciples are
forced to marry and to take VOW to
submit to the wife in all things. The
women choose one of their number for
governing head, whose duty it is to see
that the men behave themselves and to
punish them IL they transgress. Sim
liar are the "Purhcants" of Liberia,
who also recognize the supremacy Of
women.