Evening star., 1902-01-18
AN AMATEUR BARTENDER

The snburbanite In the lunch room kept
up such continuous chuckling to HIM
self that the three other men at the table
were at length forced to ask him to let
them in on the cause of his internal mirth
I'm laughing said the suburbanite
.'over the hash 1 achieved of it last night
in an attempt made to practice profess
sion that l didn't know anything about. /
essayed to pose before the wife of my bos-
ON as a skillfui barkeep, and the frost 1
made in the attempt is bound to make me a
laughing stock under my own vine and fig
tree for long time to come.
Might before last my wife told me that
she wasn't feeling very WELL and she said
that she didn't know Of anything that
would do her more good that some drink
able with little gin In TIA gin fizz. or a
silver hzz. or something of that scrt. Now,
We live in a section Of the District that is
good mile from any place where the
necessaries for the manufacture OF prop
er gin fizz can be obtained, and 1 expa-
tlated knowingly to my wife upon the no.
accountness. SO to speak. Of any sort of
gin drink unless the same were manufac-
tured and framed up in accordance with
scientific principles, with the aid of tools
especially devised for the purpose. She
looked at me reproachfully, as much as to
say that she didn't believe that / cared to
do a little favor for her by going after
what she had expressed a desire for, but
she didn't say anything more about it.
She felt pretty miserable during the night,
however. and l was sore upon myself for
not having got her than gin fizz even had
1t been necessary to go to Baltimore after
It. made up my mind that on the follow
ing night she'd have gin fizz if had to
go to the north pole and into bankruptcy
in order to provide her with it.
So. when got into town yesterday, I
went to one Of the swagger hotel bars and
engaged the barkeeper I'm conversation as to
the proper methods of fixing up all sorts
OF gin drinks-silver fizz, plain gin fizz,
golden fizz, royal fig. and so on. had
him make me one of each and did my own
sampling, and when had seen his modus
operandi felt certain that I'd be able to
amaze my delighted wife with my skill.
From the hotel cafe went to the market
and got a dozen registered cggs-the kind
that have the date-stamp on them. Then I
purchased some powdered sugar and
lemons. after which I went to a glass and
figured that I'd be able to buy one of these
In for about 10 cents, but the shaker set
me back S1.50 However, didn't begrudge
the money. for I had a picture in my
be over my going to SO much trouble to
crafty her wish
When got home and set down my arm
rul OF packages and my wife opened them
pleased flutter over the pains 1 had been
to. and she could hardly wait till I got
down to the business of putting my pur-
chases to their use. I must have been very
chesty and solemn as l went at the job in
my shirt sleeves, of making a golden fizz,
for she looked vastly impressed over nv
cool and confident air.
My dear she said. never knew be-
1ore that You could do these things-where
did you learn how"
Il told her that there were lot of things
l could do that she didn't know anything
about: and that when 1t came to the mat
,oI,t
hold my own with anybody
Well. made that golden fizz. filled it
up with seltzer from one OF the three 81
phons of the same that had lugged home.
over to my wife with a flourish. She tasted
IT, all prepared to pour out her praises on
me. and then puzzled expression crossed
her face.
What's the matters? asked her.
Well she said, it's a-er-a real good
egg phosphate. you know-a splendid one
In IT. 1N'
"Then 1t flashed over me, of course.
hadn't put any gin in 1t at all. I'd forgot
ten all about the gin. 1 felt pretty cheap
ABOUT It, especially as there seemed to be
a twinkle In her eye. but poured out the
This time l was SO determined not to leave
ANYTHING out that I poured the seltzer in
hrst followed 1t UP with the gin, and then
turned the whole thing into the shaker and
SAtCu " SAdhe IL up. NOW, you might
as well try to shake a bagfuI Of dynamite
as to put seltzer in a shaker and fool
with 1t that way, but didn't know 1t un-
til the seltzer began to sizzle, and then the
shaker and glass popped out Of my hand
and the whole concoction squirted out and
half-drowned the both of us. My wife
Jumped up on the lounge and made motions
as II swimming for her life. and went out
into the woodshed and split kindling for an
hour or so, until had chance to pull
myself together. My wife called me in at
length, and handed me as clever and tasty
a golden f1zz as ever drank, which she'd
made simply by exercising common sense.
I suppose there are points about the
hod-carrying profession that you've got to
sense to before you're able to properly pack
brick and mortar"