Democratic messenger. [volume] (Snow Hill, Md.) 1869-1973, 1902-05-24

, 3ugger's Burglar Crap.

1t is with thrill of pleasure, like that
felt by henpecked husband when his
wife's mamma falls and irreparably frac-
lures her spine. that l take my pen in
hand to inform the reader that we are all
well, and that Justice and Retribution
have resumed business at the old stand.
For some time the report has been in
circulation that Retribution was away
up near the headwaters of Chugg Greek,
chasing the man who first dug up the
question as to whether or not marriage
was a failure, and that Justice had quit
work to fish for mud.cats in the bayou.
The indignation at this palpable neg
lect of duty was so great that. for Il
time, both were i'll danger of loosing
their jobs, and had already made pre-
parations for corraling one of the posi-
tions in case couldn't get the post-of
flee.
Although the post office is my first
choice, it is no SLOUGH of job to sit on
a throne that is still just as good as new
and ladle out justice at $3.50 per ladlc,
or to have Retribntion and chase poets
and fellows that play the horse-fiddle
clear into the tall timber.
But since the recent excitement at
Jugger's, confidence has been complete
ly restored, and Justice and Retribu-
ton have been presented with vote of
thanks in deep, hoarse tone of voice
in an oyster can.
There had been several burglaries in
the neighborhood. and Jugger had be-
come thoroughly alarmed. Each night
he confidently expected that the robbers
would visit him, in spite of the iron
rule of etiquette, which demanded that
he, having been in the neighborhood
the greater length of time, should call
upon them first.
He did not reflect that. if they broke
in and found anything of much value
he would be just that much ahead by
getting up and jerking it away from
them in firm tones.
So, to prevent midnight providers from
ransacking the house, and, perhaps.
stealing his reputation from off the
ir-back, where he always hung it be-
fore retiring. Jugger invented his burg
lar trap. 1t was the result of prolonged
thought and premeditated attempt to
arrive at radicalism and originality in
handy gamers for midnight hypotheca-
tors. if may make use of a phrase that
looks first-rate, even if it don't express
many large, red thoughts.
The principal feature of the invention
was neat trap.door in the floor, so ar.
ranged as to dump the burglar who trod
upon it into the cellar, after which it
would set itself again, and exhibit a
sign, bearing, in Roman letters, the an
nouDcement:
"NEXTr'
ID The trap was just within the front
door, where the casual visitor need not
wait for an introduction, but could drop
in any time.
L
place big tank of water just beneath
the trap door. into which the burglars
might fall, and i'm which the laundress
might do the washing after fishing out
the burglars who had been drowned in
it the night before. That did not seem
severe enough for all purposes, and he
thought of substituting large, sharp
stake, upon which book agents might
impale themselves i'll the daytime.
He was unable to decide which had
the preference over the other, and so
discarded both, and had the doors and
windows of the cellar securely barred.
He calculated, after he got his burglars
Gagged, to wade in with a grievous crab
tree cudgel and kill few, just to keep
his hand in and to follow the advice of
the family doctor. who had ordered HIM
to take course of club swinging.
OF course, at this point, the reader
sees just how this sketch is going to
end, and is sure that Jugger was caught
in his own trat-hoist, as it were, by
one of his own petards that had been
kicking about the place ever since the
day it rained frogs.
But such is not the case, and, as am
chronicling facts, / must tell it as it
happened. but some time I'm going
to tickle my funny. bone and write a
wildly humorous gem about a man who
was hoisted higher than the price of
Chinese bird 's-nests by an old petared
that he had MIXED twice a day for four
years. The sketch will be in plausible
style, calculated almost to deceive the
very elect. and the petard business will
be worked i'll a way funny enough to
coagulate the hair in your veIns)
N. B.-Maybe the reader thinks |
don't know what petard is. Why.
; shucks l reckon I've seen as many as
forty at one time All have to say is,
wish had as much money as know
about petards. 1 don't care whether
they are cute little young ones or old
ones with long, white hair OH their
teeth.
But to return to the subject. During
the day, of course, the trap was bolted