davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06
stand that ye have in ye'er family ;
cOlledge:

stand that ye have in ye'er family
colledge:
Dear Sir an Madam: l undher-
stand that We have in ye'er fmly a
large piece iv raw beet that wud make
a good einter rush. I STRONGLY advise
We to sind him to our far-famed UNI
varsity. Tn colledge man is becomin'
more an more a facthor iv American
life. Five iv our grajates is superin-
tendints iv packin' houses, eight is pcfze
fighters, thirty-two is professional
sthrong men an wan thousan' eighty
four has dedicated their lives to tea CHI
in tn young idee how to MAIN. In
other wurruds, they ar-re professional
fut-bal1 coaches. TIL entrance exami-
nations is suited to tn needs iv tn day,
but is reasonably sthrict on weight an
measurement. TIL coorse is what il
called ilictive. A student can choose
between fut-ball, base ball, rowin' an
boxin. We offer this year an unusually
good coorse in mayhem undher tn
charge iv tn cillybrated professor Billy
tn Bite. Tn undher-g graduates ar-re
constantly undher tn watchful eyes iv
nelson, tn hammer lock, tn sthrangle
holt, gougin', bitin' an buttin with TIL
head We attimpt as far as possible to
give thin mild ricreations, ra-alizin'
that all wurruk an no play makes Jack
sIob, an in pursuance iv this thought
we make an avenin' coorse iv arson in
which tn cclledge buildin's an admin
private property is used. Far be it
firm me to suggest anything that wud
be again tn rules iv amachoor sport
to which our colledge is diddycated
but if ye cud crate Bill up an ship him
to us. 1 will tell ye that 1 have jus
fired tn professor iv nthrachoor an il
Bill watches close he may see his salary
lynn on tn dure STEP
AN so Bill rolls off to colledge an
afther awhile rayports come home firm
him.
TIL Cinter Rush " tn Hoopstowr
Varsity is Beefy Bill Lonergan. Tn
s. coaches is all wild about his wurruk
Both Bill Cassidy an Assassin jerks
who were in tn murdhercus Lightweight
team, say he is far betther thin Chaw
Gumbin iv that year. This is higf
praise but Bill deserves it. He is MOI
as good with tn teeth as that gr-reat
scholar an he needs tn practice he is
gettin firm 'Purrer' Sampson, ninety.
three. in tn knee-cap kick, but in tn
ear-hold, tn sudden gouge, tn thrip
tn butt-in-th' stomach, tn thump-in.
th'mouth an tn abdominal heel. he i:
perhaps without an akel. Yisterdaf
durin' tn first half he broke tn fore
/ arm iv Hannigan, tn cinter rush i,
tn scrub iliven.
Think " tn mother at home readin
these glad tidings while tears fv joy fl
her eyes, She goes to her room an
offers up. p'raps. a little prayer fr hel
! hayward boy that II mex time h.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06
TELEPHONE STORIES.

Every housewife has had her anus
ing experience introducing her new
maid-servants to the telephone. One
cook, fresh from the Emerald Isle.
stood in great awe of the thing for
weeks, and always hurried on clean
apron before answering the call, to do
honor to the occasion. Another, not
six weeks landed, and a trifie slow in.
her wits, electrified a dozen guests at
dinner by appearing in the door of the
dlning-room and asking, distractedly.
OF her mistress, ''Is this Mr.. McGin-
Miss grocery store?" why. Of course
not, Bridget" responded the amazed
hostess; what do you mean?" well,
shure, they asked me over the tilIy-
phone this minnit, ma'am!" was the
reply, as Bridget, her mind evidently
still doubtful on the subject, retired
in confusion.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06
Mr., DOOLEY ON
COLLEGE FOOTBALL
BY F. p. DUNE.

81 see tn fut-ball saison is over"
said Mr.. Dooley. yale has met Har-
ward wanst again On that there his
toric field where thin cillybrated
Summaries iv larnin' has so often
pasted each other, an tn strain is at
an end. Firm now on, they'll be room
FIR tn ordinary cases iv assault-with-
intint-to-kill in tn pa-apers
It's become a great instichoochion
this here game iy fut-ball Whin I
was young man college was place
where tn boy iv tn family was stint
that had tn worst eyes. On'y tn frail.
fair la-ad with a hectic flush
on his cheeks liver got chanst at rale
Iarnin'.
"'Alphonso, says his parent, is
poorly. He niver will do much at tn
active pursoots iv life. He's not sturdy
enough to lay brick, an if he left his
glasses at home anny-wan cud steal
his money. Lave us sind him to COL
ledge an have him tucked full iv Greek
an Trignomethry, an whin he comes
out maybe he can add a little some
thing to what we give him be writin'
pothry.'
I'm thin days tn prisidints iv tn
| colleges, whin they wanted to blow
| about what they give f'r tn money
they got, announced that they cud take
a boy fresh firm his mothers arms
an pipe him so full iv Homer that
hardly annywan cud understand half
what he said without tn aid iv a
ditchnry. But nowadays ar-sighted
Willis and Hectic Hal stays at home
an tn la-ad picked out f'r tn higher
life is Bill.
Mature intinded Bill FIR tn higher
life. At sivinteen he weighs two hun
dhred an tin pounds He has a head
like a walnut on top iv bag iv -four
an whin he needs exercise he goes
out an pushes a sthreet car off tn
thrack. He conyarges so much to'rd
tn top that there wasn't room to put
in complete set iv think devices, but
what he has is we'll protected be a ROOT
iv chilled steel covered with yulcanized
rubber. TIL small but injanyous ma
sheen concealed in this cupoly is called
be Bill his brain an is used entirely tC
conthrol tn action iv his legs an
arms. Win called upon FIR other
purposes, it begins to ache In other
days on'y death wud have kept Bill,
firm bein a butcher. As it is tn
family don't hardly know what to dc
with him. He's too sthrong to be
licked an too big to he coaxad, an
i they are seriously thinkin' iv rentin
him out f'r sign board. whin wan day
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

meets Hannigan twill be a compound
fracture.
Day be day tn news Nv Bill an his
team takes up more room: TIL facility
iv Hoopstown has STINT Pinkerton ditto
tives to spy on tn secret practice ivI
tn sister varsity. TIL half-back iv
Hoopstown is SUSPECTED to be in tn
employ iv Bonneville
Hoopstown University has employ
ed a weli-known lagal firm to procure
writ iv injunction again Bonneville
to prevint Bluff Stiggins, tn re-
nowned cinter rush firm playin'. With
tn aid iv tn polls, tn Hoopstown au-
thorities have discovered that Stiggins
was paid four thousan dollars to lave
his job as longshoreman an enther tn
university
. Prisidint Leksicons iv Hoopstown
an Professor McGoo, doctor iv syste-
matte thayology at Bonneville nearly
come to blows yisterdah over tn APP
proachin fut-ball game. The professor
ldNlH SUITE munyon's
about Stiggins, tn prisidint raytorted
that Hump Dorsey, tn full-back iv
tn Hoopstown i1iven, was thirty-eight
years old, had a wife an child in
Seedaylya, was a professional prize
| fighter an had done time in Kansas.
He offered to bet thirty to twinty- five
that Dorsey cuddent read or write
| ''Nayether can YOU says tn prisidint,
referrin' to tn fact that tn professor
was a pianny-mover befure he took tn
chair iv systematic thayology an
guards back at tn varsity. TIL two
/ larned gintlemen clinched but was
SEPARATED be tn polls
"All this mother reads at home moth
Z er an tn little girls. They'se pitchers
iv Bill in tn pa-apers. Bill is stale
an mother weeps; Bill is back in his
OF form an she is glad. She reads tn
list iv his attimpted homicides to tn
little girls an explains why Bill isn't
in Jail. An fin'lly tn gr-reat day
comes. tn day iv days. She's afraid
to look at tn pa-aper. Ivry rap at
! tn dure, ivry fut fall on tn step. sinds
a chill through her heart 1t may be a
messenger bringin' tn evil tidings that
tn boy iv her love has failed in his
jooty, that his courage has gone back
on him. that he has neglected to give
tn las needful kick to tn PROSTATE
foe. Suddenly tn dure is bust open an
father enthers.
What is it, Jawn? she cries. What
news iv me boy? Tell me all. 1 will be
brave
AN father bends over her an wills
pers something in her ear that brings
tn roses back to her faded cheeks. Her
Willie has almost kilt his man! Ought
mt she to be proud?"
Why don't tn polls stop it?" asked
Mr.. Hennessy testify.
They can't" said Mr.. Dooley. They
can't artist a man FIR assault onless he
commits it to get food or money"
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06
MARK TwAINS FIRST MONEY.

While travelling recently Mark Twain
was asked by a friend and fellow pas
seHger if he remembered the first money
he had ever earned.
YES" answered Mr.. Clemens, putting
sleditatively on his cigar. II have a
distinct recollection of it. When l was
a youngster 1 attended school at a
place where the use of the birch rod
was not an unusual event. 1t was
against the rules to mark the desks in
any manner, the penalty being fine Of
So or public chastisement.
Happening to violate the rule on one
occasion 1 was offered the alternative.
I told my father and as he seemed to
think it would be too bad for me to
be publicly punished, he gave me the
s.. AT that period of my existence s.
was large sum, while a whipping was
Of little consequence, and So" here
Mr.. Clemens refiectively knocked the
ashes from his cigar-'well," he finally
added, that was how earned my first
S5."-Baltinore Herald
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06
HE HAD ENOUGH.

While at the Hoffman House, New
York, recently. ex-senator David B.
Hill was asked if he thought Bryan
would run again. According to the New
York Times he replied:
That reminds me of a freight wreck
down near Washington. Some box-cars
were piled UP by collision, and as
the wreeking crew got to work latter
ed ana terrified man crawled out, ex-
ahmed his limbs to see il any bones
the track.
Hold on, Willie called one of the
crew. You may as well ride to wash
mgton. Wen be fixed up soon.'
That is the second time I've been
wrecked replied the hobo. Don't Won
THINK 1 know when I've had enough
I'm no Bryan
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

Fuel briquettes of sawdust that have
been tried in Germany are octagonal
cakes 61z inches long by 31s wide and
p inch thick, and each weighs half a
pound. They are harder and heavier
than oak. and are made by compress
sion without any binding ingredient.
They burn without smoke.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06
K!pLlNG'S HUMOR.

lin mis- "Just-so-S Stories for Little
Children Doubleday, Page & Coz, Mr.
Kipling strikes a humorous vein that
at times reminds one by its rollicking
nonsense of Lewis CAROLS Alice in
wonderland" The following verses are
a sort of overplus furnished with the
stories.]
/ keep six honest serving-men;
fThey taught me all 1 knew
Their names are What and Where and
When,
And How and Why and Who,
1 send them over land and sea,
/ send them east aid west;
But after they have worked for me,
I give them all a rest.
/ let them rest from nine till five,
For 1 am busy then,
AS we'll as breakfast, lunch and tea,
For they are hungry men:
But different folk have different views;
1 know a person small
She keeps ten million serving-men,
Who get no rest at all!
She sends 'em abroad on her own
affairs,
the SSGOiIu opCiio liCA
One million Hows, two million Where's,
And seven million Whysl
The Elephants Child. Copy
right 1902, by Rudyard Kip
ling.)
/ am the Most Wise Baviaan, saying in
most wise tones,
Let us melt into landscape-just US two
by our lones.
People have come--in a carriage-call-
ing. But Mummy is there. -.
Yes, L can go if you take me-Nurse
says she don't care,
Let's go up to the pig-sties and sit on
the farm-yard railsi
Let's say things to the Dummies, and
watch 'em skitter their tails!
Let's oh, anything, daddy, so long as
it's you and me,
And going truly exploring, and not be-
ing in till tea!
Here's your boots Owe brought 'em),
and here's your cap and stick.
And here's your pipe and tobacco. oh,
come along out of it-quick.
How the Leopard Got His
Spots. Copyright 1902. by
Rudyard Kipling.)
The camers hump is an ugly lump
which well you may see at the Zoo;
But uglier yet is the hump we get
From having too little to do.
Riddles and grown-ups too-oo-oo,
If we haven't enough to do-oo-oo,
We get the hump
Gameelious hump
The hump that is black and blue!
We climb out of bed with a frouzly head
And a snarly-yarly voice.
We shiver and scowl and we grunt and
we growl
At our bath and our boots and our
toys;
And there ought to be corner for me
(And 1 know there is one for you)
When we get the hump
Gameelious hump
The hump that is black and blue!
The cure for this i'll is not to sit still,
Or frowst with a book by the fire;
But to take large hoe and a shovel
also,
And dig till you gently perspire.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. OOOOOoOOoooOOOOOOOO
HUMOROUS

Hogan-"An' is he a blooded dog,
Mike?" "Blooded, 1 sh'd say he wuz.
wy, when he wuz a pup tn doc had
to bleed him to kape um from bein' a
bloodhound, faith!"-Chicago Daily
News.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

"Auntie,' said the judge to the bat
tered lady of color, "did your husband
strike you with malice aforethought?"
Deed he didn't, jedge," was the in
dignant reply, che didn't hit me wild
that mallet afore he thought; he'd been
fggerin' on dat er long time, jedge,
deed he had."-Baltimor Sun.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

Buff-"Have you no memento Of your
mother-in-law, who came to so sudden
an end in Africa?" Duff-"No, worse
luck We only succeeded in getting a
photograph of the cannibal who ate
her."-NeW York Sun.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06
SCIENTIFIC


Eros, the little planet now being
watched with so much interest. is about
Il miles in diameter. and at its nearest
approach win be only 10000 coo miles
away.
In the last two years the scarlet fever
serum of DR.. Moser. of Vienna. has
been tried on 400 patients. Its efficiency
as a cure has been shown by a reduc.
ton Of the mortality in these cases "a
nine per cent.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

The new image transmitting appara-
tus of a Belgian engineer includes two
synchronous motors, each about as
large as an egg, which are mounted at
the transmitting and receiving stations,
and are driven at exactly the same
speed of 500 revolutions per second by
current from the same generator. Each
armature carries a small lens. which
III every so revolutions is oscillated
through five degrees from the axis Oh
rotation. The receiving lens therefore
secs" over q circle of ten degrees. ana
the luminous variations in the spiral
path are instantly transmitted to the
same points on the receiver, and by
the second lens are thrown on a screen.
The light and dark points of the spirai
being passed through the seIenium ~
times a second. the image on the screen
appears continuous.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

His useless life work: Eyes, con-
slider my life failure" "Oh, Henry
how sad! Why should you say that?''
81 spend all my time making money
enough to buy food and clothes; but
the food disagrees. with me, and my
clothes don't fit. What to Eat.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

Sea level does not as is generally
supposed, represent the mean figure of
the earth. The attraction of mountains
and continents and variations of dem
sity cause the water to be heaped up
in places, and Col. Clarke has caicu-
lated that the diameter of the equator
ending in Singapore and Peru is III
miles shorter than the diameter end
ing in Rhodesia and the Pacific. Maj.
s. G. Burrard estimates that in the
region of the Himalayas actual sea lev
ell is about 5000 feet higher than it would
be if the shape were not deformed.
Another source of error in surveys is
the DETECTION of the plumb line. and
this cause makes the position of India
on the globe uncertain to some seven
seconds.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

The action of Roentgen rays in de-
stroying bacteria has been a subject of
experiment by H. Rieder since 1898.
Many micro organisms including the
cholera germ We're killed by an ex-
posture of 20 to 80 minutes on gelatine,
but among the organisms there were
always individuals that were not affect
ed. It has been proven that the bacter-
icidal power is not due to the f1uores-
cent light, heat, ozone or electricity,
nor is the culture medium altered The
conclusion is not justified that the rays
destroy bacteria in the body, and dis
ease-inoculated animals exposed to the
rays die sooner than those not exposed.
The successful treatment of certain in
fectious skin diseases seems to be due
to some other effect than killing of
bacteria.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

Lithopone, a substitute for white lead
consisting of a mixture of zinc sulphide
and barium sulphate, dates from 1874.
AS an English product under the name
of Charlton white, it had little cover
ing power and was expensive, but Ger
man processes perfected seven or eight
years ago now yield a satisfactory and
successful material. The price is Is to
20 per cent less than that of white lead.
The improved paint has great covering
power, resists changes of the weather,
is not blackened by sulphurous emana-
lions, and is harmless. Lithopone is
much used in France. and other coun-
tries, the annual consumption being
10000 or 10000 tons or more. II seems
to be rapidly taking the place of white
lead, and its success is being increased
by the efforts of health authorities to
lessen the dangers of white lead max
ing.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

Anything to oblige: Mr.. Greatman-
81 wish you'd stop printing my portrait
every time any little thing happens to
me, or else get new one You've had
that old plate in seventeen times"
Editor-"All right, my dear sir. Any
thing to oblige." Assistant Foreman
Ga week 1ater'-'I can't find that pict-
ure of Sam, the sneak-thief, any
where" Foreman-"Well, dump in
that old picture of Mr.. Greatman. 1t
amt going to be used for him any
more. New York Weekly.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

Tomorrow" said the ST. Louis pas
tor to the chorister, 81 shall preach a
sermon on the widespread sin of hood
ling as illustrated in the recent shock
ing disclosures of official corruption in
our city. If possible, let one of your
musical selections for the morning
service be appropriate to the theme
Accordingly the choir next morning
sang as voluntary in the most feeling
manner, Il Love to Steal Awhile
Away. Chicago Tribune.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

Uralite, the new fireproof building
material, is the invention of Col. Ichen-
etsky, of the Russian artillery. It's
basis is asbestos, the fibers of which
are separated, made into pulp with
whiting and suitable coloring matter
in water, and then rolled into thin
sheets, these sheets being cemented to-
gcther to any desired thickness by re-
peated treatment with water glass and
bicarbonate of soda. Calcium chloride
is finally used to remove all traces Of
soda. The finished material can be
nailed and glued like wood, resists not
only flame and intense heat but also
freezing and moisture, has double the
strength OF Portland cement. and f0T1
floors, etc, costs cents per square
foot.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

He had seen one: Hiram" queried
Mrs. Meddergrass, did you ever see
one O. them air castles?" 81 low l hev,
mother" the old man replied; 81 seed
one o. the tarnal things the last time
I wuz to tn city" What air they
built out Nv, Hiram" asked Mrs. NJ.
Cold bricks, mother, Chicago News.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

An up-to-date village: do you have
a good lecture course here during the
winter" was asked OF the manager of
the Higginsville lyceum. Indeed we
do" he answered; "and next season
we expect to Guido all previous records.
So far we have booked one ransomed
missionary, one reformed gambler. one
troupe of trained animals, one con-
verted heather, one moving picture
machine, and one professional person
ator. We may take on a college pro-
fessor who wants to speak about the
modern tendency of literary thought,
but I don't know. It's pretty hard to
keep the course on the same high
plane of thought throughout" Judge.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

Lead poisoning affecting many per
sons has been traced by a German ply
stefan TO a curious source. Deep holes
! in the stones Of an old mill were found
to have been ignorantly filed with lead.
and flour ground by these stones show
ed as high as one part of metal in 4e0o.
1t was this flour that produced the poi
soLing.
The trunk of a Canadian birch tree
enclosing another birch has been pre-
served at an English chair factory.
The outer trunk is but inches thick
and the inner one is 212; and it is sup
posed that seed sprouted in hollow
of the old tree, the sapling in time
filling the hollow for distance of sew
eral yards.
Meteorological instruments of gigan-
tic size have been designed by Nj. JAMS
sen for the summit OF Mont. Blanc, and
are to be read by telescope from Cham
onix, at the foot of the mountain. The
barometer is to have a huge dial, with
hands moved by a platinum float on
the mercury. The thermometer will
contain several quarts of alcohol, and
will have degree marks an inch or more
apart. The force and direction of the j
wind will be estimated from the defeCs
ton of an iron ball filled with mercury
and SnSnaniaH from q
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

A simple but successful remedy for
smoke has been brought TO notice by
a British engineer. 1t is known as the
Wilson smokeless process and it con-
sists in injecting a mixture of air and
nitrate of soda solution on the fire.
Though the first trial was crude, with
dirty soft coal under a Babcock boiler,
the dense smoke from the chimney was
reduced to invisibility. Tested further,
the smoke was not only cured, but there
was an increase of Of more than &c per
cent in the output of the boiler and its
evaporative efficiency. The theory adj
vanced is that the solution of nitrate Of
soda creates nuclei of intense heat
which fire the gases and enable the in
jected air to combine with them.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-06

Weary Wiggles-"Lady can't yer
help poor Teller wat de coal strike
has knocked out of his livin'?" Mrs.
Kindart-Here, take this quarter; and
so you're miner, eh?" Weary Wig
gles-"No, ma am. 1 make speciality
o'fallin' down open coal holes an sum
fur damages. "-Philadelphia Press.