West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1902-05-01
OUR FIVE CENT COLUMN.
JEFF Iipscomb's Campaign Fer
County Clerk.
He Is the Race to Win, and is MAX
ing 2.4A Time.

carnage, IN first class condition.
Apply to the Advocate for informa-
ton.
Upon inquiry we learn that the
above horseless vehicle belongs to
jeff Lipscomb, who is sacrificing
everything he has IN his mad race
for the County Clerkship in Dan
Tucker county. The Republican
Primary Election comes off Saturday
of this week, and Jeff has neither
slept nor eaten anything for ten
days. But as for drinking, that's
another question. Jeff has been in
the race to win, if he busted both
galluses, lost his hat and everything
else except his taste for liquor. He
has several competitors in the race
and has been going the limit in
order to bluff them out of the game.
He traded his plug hat, soaked his
long-tailed coat, sold his muly COW,
got tick on his Waterbury watch,
mortgaged his law library, consist
ing OF some Acts of the Legislature
and Reports from the Department
of Agriculture, and now he is offer
ing the baby carriage for sale.
til
Jeff sold his COW to Rev. ]. Ed.
Kildow and got good price for her
by guaranteeing the following quail
fications:
He said the COW had particular
fondness for apples, and that on one
occasion, after she had gotten into
nelghbor's orchard and ate all the
apples she wanted, his wife MIXED
her, churned the milk and got three
quarts of good apple butter. On
another occasion the COW ate off the
tail of an old rooster that roasted
in the stall with her, and the next
morning, instead of giving milk, she
gave a gallon and half of the finest
kind of cocktail. This was enough,
and the Reverend shelled out $40
in cash, and gave his note for $40
more for the COW, and is now revel-
ing in ramps, apple butter and cock
tail.
jeff has tramped the county over
during the past two months and tells
some wonderful stories of his wan
derings- He says that during that
last cold spell he was over on Back.
bone mountain, and one morning he
threw tin of water at hound pup
where he was stopping, and the
water froze into a chunk Of ice be-
fore Il reached the dog and struck
him in the head and killed him, and
1t cost him a gallon of apple-jack TO
TO square the thing with the owner
and save his vote for the Primary.
Another time he was out one very
cold night up on Dry Fork holding
caucus with the boys and enthus-
ing them with the spirit of his cam.
paign, and when he started to where
he was staying all night, it was so
cold that his breath froze into a
solid chunk, and when he got to his
room he broke it off and threw it
into the wash basin, and next morn
ing it had thawed out and he had a
quart of liquor to wash in.
I I I
But the most wonderful of all was
one night, down near Thunder
struck, he left the lamp burn all
night IN his room, and next morn
ing the flame was frozen solid, so
that he broke 1t off and threw it in
the wood-box, and while he was
down at breakfast it thawed out and
set the box on fire and came near
burning the house down. This cost
him another jug to squire himself.
I I !
jeff says he will be awful glad
when the fight is all over but the
shouting. He has had to slobber
over more babies and get more APP
pie butter in his whiskers than he
ever dreamed that there was in
Tucker county, and it has so turned
him against them is one reason he
is offering his baby buggy for sale.
Then again, he declares that he has
been compelled to steep his soul in
so much sin and iniquity telling the
mothers what '1ovely darlings" they
were and chow the beautiful cherubs
looked so much like their mothers, !"
that he can't bear babies any more,
either raw, bottled or served with
milk.
The G.. A. X. all over the coun.
try have been clsmonng for years
for the remova! of Henry Clay
Evans from the office OF Pension
Commissioner, because he honestly
tried to carry out the law as he