The Billings gazette. [volume] (Billings, Mont.) 1896-1919, 1902-04-08
TWAIN ON MEDICINE.
Mark Discusses the Progress
Made In the Science.
PoKEs SOME FUN AT DOCTORS.

Foxes SOME FUN AT DOCTORS.
Famous Humorist In q speech nt
the Medical Jarisprudence Society
n n In New York Tells Them
They Only Began to Learn some-
thing Fifty Years Ago.
Mark Twain was the principal speak.
er at the Hotel Savoy, in New York,
the other night at the dinner in cele.
bration Of the twentieth anniversary
Of the foundation Of the Society OF
Medical Jurisprudence. says the New
York Times. He said \! the outset of
his remarks that it was a pleasure to
watch a company of gentlemen "in
that condition which is peculiar to
gentlemen who have had their din
ners." That was a time, said MI.
Clemens, when the real nature of man
came out.
"As a rule" he continued, I'VE go
about with masks, we GO about look
ing honest, and we are able to conceal
ourselves all through the day. But
when the time comes that man has had
his dinner then the true man comes to
the surface. l could see it here this
evening. l noticed the burst Of ap-
plause when Judge O'Brien got up to
speak, and l knew that he was either
an exceedingly able man or else that
a lot of you practice in his court.
[Laughter.] You have been giving
yourselves away all evenings. One
speaker got up here and urged you to
be honest, and there was no response.
"Now, I want you to remember that
medicine has made all its progress dur
ing the past fifty years. One member
Of this society sent me a typewriter
judicial decision of the year 1909 in a
medical case, with the suggestion that
this was the kind of medicine to have
and that the science of medicine had
not progressed, but gone back. This
decision went on and described a sort
Of medicine I used to take myself fifty
years ago and which was in use also
in the time Of the Pharos, and all the
knowledge up to fifty years age you
got from 5000 years before that.
II now hold in my hand Jaynes'
Medical Dictionary, published in 1745.
In that book there is a suggestion as
to what medicine was like a long
time ago. How many operations that
are in use now were known fifty years
ago? They were not operations-they
were executions. [I4aughter.l
81 read in this book the case Of q
man who died from a severe head
ache.' Why 'severeY' The man was
dead. Didn't that cover the ground?
[Laughter.]
This book goes OH to say: "A certain
merchant about fifty years of age, Of
a melancholy habit and deeply involv-
ed in affairs Of the world, was during
the day days'-with a capital D-'seiz.
ed with a violent pain of his head,
which some time after kept him in
bed. l being called'-remember, this
man was a regular-tordered ~venisec-
ton in the arms, bleeding; l also Or
dered the application Of leeches to the
vessels Of his nostrils; | also ordered
the application Of leeches to his fore
head and temples, and also behind his
ears
"Now. you see," continued Mark
Twain. holding the old medical book
in his hand. The has got him fringed
all over with leeches. But that was
not enough, for he goes on to say, 4
likewise ordered the application of
cup glasses, with scarifcation on his
back Now, he has township maps
carved all over him, and all this is for
a headache. But Notwithstanding
these precautions the man dies, or,
rather, perhaps I might have said be-
cause of these precautions the man
dies. [I.aughter.l Now this physician
goes on to say, If any surgeon skilled
In arterial anatomy had been present,
l should also have ordered an opera.
tion.' lLaughter.l He was not salts.
ned with what he had done, with the
precautions he had already taken, but
he wanted apparently to put a pump
into that man and pump out what was
left. [Laughter.l
Nov all that has passed away, and
modern medicine and surgery have
come in. Medicine was like astrology,
which did not mov for centuries. When
4 comet appeared in the heavens, It
was q sign that a prince was going to
die. It was also a sign of earthquakes
and of pestilence and other dreadful
But they began to drop one
thing after another. They finally got
down to earthquakes and the death OF
q prince as the result of the appearance
Of a comet until in 1878 a writer in
The Gentleman's Magazine found at
least n thing that a comet was sent
Tor, because 1t was on record that when
the comet appeared in 1918 all the flies
In London went blind and died. Laugh
teri Now they had got down to flies.
Laughter.
I'm 1920 q clergyman found still one
kA&N~ thai 49,