The daily morning journal and courier., 1902-03-08

l a beverage which he pretendS to thlllh is as harmless as lemonade. There are doubtless in England many bona fide abstainers-those who touch nothing that intoXicates. But so evidently, are | there over here an enormous lot of pro- fessed abstainers who think that to take l the temperance pledge binds one only against such stronger liquids as brandy and whisky, and not unflequently do | these half-and- half teetotallers afford amusement, by their sorry plight and confused principles, to the strangers | gallery of the London police courts
 l some times it is the judge who plays to the police court gallery, tome times witness and occasionally the prisoner MT. PloWden is an inveterate jester He tickles the risibles every good chance he gets, and then, often, turns l fiercely upon his auditors and rebukes them for their levity One instance of the sarcastic tendency of this London magistrate will amply show his general method. A poung laborer was charged with assaulting constable. The con- stable was off duty and he and the la borer, with others, had been drinking together The accused laborer gave ev- idence in his own defence, and it was the rarest fun to see how MT. PloWden led him on He had treated the consta ble several times, he said and MT, Plowden asked, What to? What did he like best? ?" Accused: 'Bass's. Then he was i'll and acted like nurse to him" MT. Plowden-You acted the Good Samaritan Accused-Yes l did, and when I suggested to him later to treat me he refused and said he would fight me- and, of course, like an Eng lishman, I said. I'll fight you now,
 and took off my coat
 Exactly, said Mr. Plowden; you were ready to meet him any way, elth- CT with dring or fight. As you say, you were an Englishman." Accused But I never hit him. l only wish I'd had the opportunity. MT. Plowden-Ot course; you are an Englishman. Ac- cused-Yes, I am MT, Plowden-Well, I am afraid you've put your case a It, tie too high. No such ingratltude eX- ists in human nature as you ascribe to this policeman. You refreshed him, you nursed him, you even met him in fight and then he locks you up. Was ever such martyrdom known before! But of course. if your story is true, the mar tyrdom is not complete without the forty shillings or one month. A sum ming up which made the packed court room roar and hold it's sides. The only one who didn't see the joke was the dumbfounded prisoner
 But these smart, joking judges get some times as good as they give, 1T not better. woman who had been brought some distance to give her evil dence would not testify till she had bar gained for a stiff fee to cover expenses, Her testimony, as it turned out, was ot no value No wonder" said one of the justices, that you made your bargain before you gave your evidence. Wit ness-I was aware my evidence was small. but the inconvenience was great. Another Justice-You may go: you have been rather dear at the money. Witness-'I always was a little dear reply which, from the smartness it showed and the double meaning it suS- gested, made even the judges grin, fanatic who was charged with being found in the streets in the attire Of the first occupants of Eden denied that ne was insufficiently clad, insisting that he was "clothed with righteousness, ana claimed that he had come to London to help the Archbishop of Canterbury preach to the 4604 elect The magis- trate in trying to find out who and what he was, asked if he were married. My Lord" was the solemn, side-splitting reply-I have committed many follies, but never that one
 Often witnesses, when asked to identi- fv accused persons in court, go through the formality of looking here, there and everywhere before looking where they know the object of their search is sure to be found A glaring, ludicrous in- stance of this kind occurred a few days go at the London sessions. It was a case of robbery with violence in broad daylight The subject of this gross as- sault was asked if he could find his as- sailants in court and he evidently felt sure he could though he took his time about doing it. There were several
 magistrates on the bench, and after the man had stared the reporters out ot countenance, he gave these his scrutInl- zins attention, continuing to look so long. and with such an evident air of suspicion, that one of the magistrates remonstrated by saying, My good man I hope you don't imagine that we com mitted this robbery" and finally, Of course, this exasperating country -gawk who had fallen among thieves in Lon don found his assailants in the dock.
 For the kind of amusement that IS afforded to court attendants by in stances of sublime cheek it isn't often one meets with more striking case than that which has just occurred at the Clerkenwell sessions, The evidence had so clearly convicted the prisoner ot burglary that he was given two years
 But not until he had made the following , auracious plea in his own behalf, Cen tlemen of the Jury" he said. 'l am a burglar with a knowledge of how to dc things properly, and for that reason want you to acquit me. Now, gentle , men, if you live in Pullman, the scene oi , this burglary, you know that nearly al the houses are little more than lath and : 1 plaster You can open any of then } with a small pocket knife, so why use } | iemmy? Just slip quietly round to the
 
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