The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1902-03-12

Why, pa, this is roast beefr, ex-
claimed little Willie at dinner on the
evening when Mr.. Chumpleigh was
present as the guest of honor.
"Of COURSE" said the father. "What
of that?"
Why, you told ma this morning
that you were going TO bring mutton
head home for dinner this EVENING"
1t happened during political cam.
paign.
What if 1 am out a good deal
nights?" he said in answer to his wife's
reproaches. "It is in good cause.
Only by the most strenuous effort can
we preserve the integrity of the local
government"
Il should judge from your breath,n
she returned coldly, "thnt you were
endeavoring to preserve it in alcohol"
One of the Texas friends of Repre-
sentative Cooper met him yesterday.
&C You smoke, don't you?" he asked.
Sometimes" sail Cooper.
Take this" remarked the Texan.
"This is something like cigar"
Cooper took the weed, lighted it and
puffed three or four times.
Yes" he assented, this is some
thing like q cigar. What is it?'
"One day." says an exchange clerk
IN a Philadelphia department store,
" an old fellow from the country came
up to my desk and, laying down
package said: young man, here's
suit of underwear that 1 bought here
seven years ago. 1t ls too small for
me, and | would like to have it ex-
changed was thunderstruck al the
nerve of the man, but l managed to
say something about the time limit on
such transactions. 'Well,' said he, 81
know that, but Ive never had 'em on,
and this is the first time I've been in
town since the day bought 'em.'"
1t was evident that the obedient
little maid was troubled.
Mamma insists that must not see
you any more," she said, regretfully.
The resoarceful young man only
smiled.
WE'LL" he replied, carelessly, elf
she is satisfied to have us meet in the
dark am"
Coal Dealer (anxiously)-" Hold onl
That load hasn't been weighed. 1t
looks to me rather large for a ton"
Driver" 'Tain't intended for ton.
It's two TONS"
Dealer" Beg pardon. Go ahead" {"
-Tit-Bits.
Senator Spooner, of Wisconsin, and
half dozen other Senators were at
luncheon the other day in the Senate
restaurant. Spooner told story.
Isn't that one of Chauncey Depew's
stories?" asked Senator Wetmore.
Not yet" replied Senator Spooner.
a Now Englander, about 70 years
old, having learned that DIR. Henry
Van DJ Ike made occasional expeditions
to Canada and elsewhere in search of
big game, recently sent to him a pen
drawing made by himself of a stag
and underneath placed this motto in
large letters: "Thou shalt not kill ;"
DR.. Van Dyke, IN acknowledging re
ceipt of the drawing, thanked his
friend for his kindness and suggested
J that under certain conditions o more
appropriate text would be Acts x, 13:
Rise, Peter; kill and eat"
Some of the late Lold Randolph
Churchill's friends once tried to have
Lord Salisbury reinstate his erratic
lieutenant. Salisbury listened TO them
patiently and then asked: Have any
of you ever had a carbuncle on the
back of your neck2" No." was the
reply. DWELL, have," retorted his
lordship, "aDd don't want another D
Now, Sir. Have you been mar
ried 2"
think so--wunce."
"What do you mean, sir-once
Whom did you marry 2"
a wumman."
Come, come, now, SIR; don't tria
with the court. OF course it was
woman. Did you ever hear of anybod,
marrying man2"
Yes, sir, my sister,"