Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1902-12-21
A CHRISTMAS NEMESIS.

From time to time, 'likc 'tte wanton
bows that swim on bladdcrs. we have
ventured into the realm OF culinary art
and discussed cooking. Our SUGGESTIONS
however seriously they were accepted, at
least had one virtue: We didn't ask any
body to follow our recipes or cat any OK
tn. hoecakes. "rosn'-ears" or potato
,,es dishcd up by our retrospective imagi-
nations. Yea, morc-whcn on this subject
we always tuned our harp TO an optlHls-
tic lyric and showed our charity towards
the world In general and other cooks in
particular. But now that the yuiet1de
season hangs over us, with its pyrotccn-
nix, accessories and its blankets of inevi-
table indigestion. we cannot, LOT the
nonce. suppress our pesslmlsm' LOT
thoughts Of Christmas fruit cake insist
on poppins into our minds. And when we
think Of fruit cake, we think OF trouble
and of dull and heavy care. Now there
js Doetrv and sentiment in plum-pudding,
and gastric harmony in turkey and
celery, but how, o, how. we ask did that
sc.nbrc intruder known as fruit cake
wedge its way into our Christmas festiFi-
ties? For weeks before the joyous hol1-
day bursts upon us with its verInilion
holly and It's pearly mistetoe. house
wives are in agonies over their fruit cakes
and the baking thereof. Be the woman
ever so sl1ilful an artificer Of pies and
other pastry. she never quite knows what
will happen when she mikes her fingers
with the dun-coIored dough Of prospec-
tive fruit cake. The great loblolly is ever
trcacherous and deceitful. There is no
counting on its chaos Of citron and cur
rants and almonds and raisins ard -four
and sugar and no1asses-no telling
when, in the heat OF the oven. these null
hilarious ingredients. like the conglomer-
ate rock of geologic age. will shift
downwards or settle in a compact stra-
turn just in the middle of the cake and
leave the other layers barren and bare.
It is harder for a bachelor to maintain
his equipoise IN the presence OF a very
young infant than It is for a fruit cake,
when in n stove, to assiElilate it's const-
tuent parts in a way satisfactory to
woman. But even supposing the cake
bakes all right. it may hold other dis
pointments in store for you. For eS-
ample, there is the matter of complexion.
Fruit cakes be 1t said, like debutantes,
travel largely OH their compilations. If
one is too black 1--WE refer to the fruit
cake. not the debutante) its popularity
viii be greatly decreased, and, per contra.
a blonde fruit cake suggests poverty and
"skimpiness.' The standard of perfec-
ton, in sooth, is about as hard to attain
as immunity from criticism in public
Office. In a word, fruit cakes. like poll
ticians. are never without some blemish.
But even conceding that some very good
fruit cakes do appear about Christmas
time, we still cherish our pessimisn on
this subject, for the better a. fruit cake is,
the moro the trouble it gives the individ-
uals who devour it. There arc as many
different kinds of indigestion in a fruit
cake as there are colors in a kaledo-
scope. and every eater gets his share OF
them. Prilna donnas and others have
sung of "a heart bowed down with 8,
weight Of Woe" but not half has ever
been told about the man bent double
with all Overlooking Of fruit cake Yet
we must have these monstrous inter-
lopers on our tables all through the yule-
tide season. and no matron feels hospi-
table unless she serves her visitors with
a dappled slice of this culinary poison
Not until the leopard changes his spots
and man is evolved into a creature with
a boiler-plate digestion. will the fruit
cake really merit the honors it receives.
Ana by then well all be dcad-yea, dead
as door nail-and even eggnosg won't
interest US.