Tazewell Republican. [volume] (Tazewell, Va.) 1892-1919, 1902-09-18
Two Farmers Who
Fooled With Nature
g THERE never was a more per-
gressive critter lived than m.

thing got a-past Uncle Jabe. He'(
have filter at it whether it wal
a flynn machine or the latest wrinkle
in the higher criticism.
every time new fool squared the
circle Uncle Jabe'd get to work fig
urin' how he could turn his ten-acrt
lot into race track and not leave
no corners hanging over; and he
hadn't more'n read about Appendix
citis when he got pain under his
s'pender buckle that wouldn't give
way till he took it to the city hos
pital fer a operation.
"They had the old boys appendix
hangin' on the line next day. Want
nothin' wrong with it, but Unble Jabe
said he was better off without it any
way. Twas only extra weight, he
said, an some day a wanderin' germ
would have crawled into it an then
it'd have been all day with Uncle
Jabe.
Across the valley from Uncle Jabe
lived old 81 Beetle. 81 was about a
hundred, more or less, but he was
lively old bird. An up-to-date? Why,
old ST was so up-to-date he used to
take n a daily newspaper.
"He was the only man in Buckaloo
county could keep in sight Of Uncle
Jabez Boneset for pergressiveness'
Mostly it was pretty tight race be-
tween 'em. If one got ahead of the
tother any way, the beaten one'd
stink aroun' like licked cur till he
could get even.
"Why, after Uncle Jabez put fin
keel into his 12-foot, flat-bottom row.
boat that he speared cells from, old
ST lost ten pound of weight. And it
lust sent Uncle Jabe to his bed when
ST had one o. them yellow fever mos
uuitoes sent him from Cuby, an kept
the critter in box fer the neighbors
to look at.
"Honors had been pretty easy up
TO last summer. Then Uncle Jabe
got pamphlet in the mails that
made him skip like cat in catnip
bed. 1t was from the United States
agricultural department and tod
about bringin' rain by shootin' OIL a
new-fangled cannon.
"This cannon was kind of sta
tionary blunderbuss. You pointed
her at the sky and filed her up with
powder, and blazed away for awhile,
and pretty soon the clouds would
begin to come up and there'd be
nice, hard shower.
"'Just what I've been wantin','
says my uncle. MY melons needs
little wettin',' he says. 4 can make
one O. them things easy as fryin' lard
out of a pig He could, too, for he
was real handy about carpenterin'
and such like. I'll make on to-day
he says, 'an' if this pernickety clear
weather lasts I'll load up tomorrow
he saws, AN shoot a shower out of
the clear sky. Reckon I'll surprise
that old fogy, 81 Beetle, some
"While he was buildin' his rain gun
old 81 Beetle acrost the valley was
purity busy. Some teller had sent
him pamphlet on weather maxim.
Maybe twas the same Teller that sent
Uncle Jabe his'n.
"'Tennerate old Sis pamphlet de-
scribed a cannon that folks in Italy
had been usin' to spoil hailstorms.
They planted their batteries toward
where the storm was expected an
fired at the clouds until they just
naturally busted and let down the
rain or hail, or whatever it was.
"'Suits me- says old 81. My grapes
is dom fine, this nice, shiny weather.
I'll lust set out few of them artil-
lery over back on the west hill an
the next cloud that shows its nose
there, I'll shoot the stutlin, out of it.
Wonder what old Stickin-the-mud,
Jabez Boneset, II think of that for
twentieth century notion, he says.
There wasn't nothin' small about
his way of dom things. While he
was at it he made ten of them can
mons an planted 'em over on the hill
to the westward. 1t cost him a lot
of powder to load 'em up, but he was
well eff an, anyhow, he never
'grudgcd money to carry out a new
tangled idee.
$50 here was Uncle Jabez' rain
perducin' gunpowder outfit on one
hillside, an not more'n a mile away
on the opposite hill old ST Beetles
battery of storm-busters, an neither
of 'em KNOWN anything about the
other.
Next mornin' come an not cloud
in the blue. Uncle Jabez sized up
the situation, and says he to the
patch on the lef' knee: Here's where
we perduce some weather. says he.
Tibet IS, if there's any weather with
in shootin' distance. AS pants thee
hart fer coolin' streams says Uncle
Jabez, quotin' hime tunes, so pants
nv melons for a likely shower, and
I'm goin' to fetch 'em one or prove
the agricultural government of these
United States a plumb liar says he.
Accordingly he numbered his
weather battery and fired bunch of
salutes in the face of the vaultin'
heavens. 1t so happened that ST
Beetle was in town that day an
heard the perceedin's.
"What in tarnation's tibet racket
he says.
"Thet?' says Joshua Mannis. oh,
reckon thet's Jabez Boneset dom
leetle gunnery. When l was drivin'
apast ] seen him loadin' up some
queer-loolIin' guns
"'Jabez Boneset, hey?' says 81
Beetle, chucklin' fit to bust rib.
Firm of guns, hey? S'pose he's jest
walked up an thinks it's Independ
snce day. ThetS just about how up
to-date old Jabe is,' says 81 Beetle,
amusin himself almost to death.
"In he pixies to the tavern to have
couple of nips on it, and when he
comes out there was mighty prom