The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1902-01-25

TOO FRESH PORK.
A woman at tTniondale made pei
of u pig and was sorry for It, The pig
insisted OH following her, not only
around the village. but all over town
At first 1t was funny, then IL got to be
annoying. She tried shutting 1t In q
pen. but 1t sduealed so pitifully that
she relented, and 1t could always get
| out in the garden some way.
The climax came one August day
when the pig followed the woman tc
| church and ran grunting into her pew
She could not endure such publicity
| and the pretty, pet pig was sold TO the
butcher
HE REPENTED.
There is u husband at Great Bend
who has never gotten along well with
| his wife. Recently he took the bull by
the horns and filed suit for divorce.
After filling out the papers he went
home feeling he had done what was
best.
When he got into the house, how
ever, and found his wife laboring pa
tiently in the kitchen. his heart failed
him and he beat hasty retreat for
off for the time being, but he will keep
the application handy.
FIGURING UNDER DIFFICULTIES
a teacher in Burnwood school has
received the following letter: Sir
VIII you in the future give my son
easier somes to do mites? This is what
he brought hoam two or three mites
back: If fore gallins Of bere will fill
thirty to pint bottles how many pints
and half bottles will nine gallins of
bere fll?'
well. we tried and could make
nothing of IL, at all. and my boy cried
and laughed and sed he didn't dare to
go bak in the mornn' without doin' it.
SO l had to go to Forest City and buy
a nine gdllin keg of bere, which I could
i'll afford to do, and then he went and
borrowed lot Of wine and brandy
bottles. We filled them. and my boy
put the number down for the answer.
l don't know whether 1t is right or not,
as we split some while doing it.
"P. S.--Please let the next some be in
water. as l am not abel to buy more
bere."
PARAGRAPHED PICKUPS.
Editor Birchard, OF the Transcript. 1t
is reported, has been offered the United
States consulship to Bankok. Siam, the
land of white elephants.
Quite a number of our townspeople
awaken in the middle of the night from
a dream that they possess Qualifica-
tions of craftsmanship. 'Tis terrible
hallucination.
The remains of an infant child of Mr..
and Mrs. e. D. Bradley, OF Corning, N.
Y, but former residents of Susquc-
hanna, were inferred in this place on
Wednesday.
The Century club will hold hop in
Hogan opera house on Thursday even
ing.
WHAT THE BAD BOY GOT.
"Once upon a time" began the Sus-
auehanna Sunday school teacher "two
brothers started to Sunday school on
Sabbath morning. Their way led
through a fine peach orchard where
the trees We're hanging over with ripe
luscious peaches. One of the brothers
proposed going into the orchard and
getting some of the fruit but the other
refused and sped away leaving his
companion greedily devouring the
peaches.
Now it happened that the owner of
the orchard saw them and the next
day rewarded the good boy who re-
fused to steal his peaches by giving
him nice book He got prize for his
honesty and what do you suppose the
other boy got for his dishonesty"
He got the peaches!" yelled every
member Of the class and another peni-
tentiary story was ended.
JUST BETWEEN US.
ITS an ill wind" etc. Montrose doe
tors are reaping a golden harvest, vac
cinating.
Yes" said a Hallstead lady, while
in Susquehanna yesterday. I'VE have
nearly all of the diseases down our
way. We have smallpox, varioloid,
scarlet fever, mumps and slot ma
Chimes"
A Uniondale friend writes that there
are no daily papers in that pretty little
village; but there is a ladies' sewing
society or two, which answers the same
purpose.
Why don't people who are trying to
lead men upward try the kite-shaped
tract?
1t is a sad world, and most folks in
it would rather have the man who will
donate them a ton of coal than the
minister who would tell them what
wicked sinners they are.
Sweet spring will soon cripple the pens
OF poets in her praise;
And this in common with the hens,
VIII give the world their lays.
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM.
Congressman Wright has returned to
Washington.
New Milford has established an un-
official quarantine against the people
of Hallstead, where they have a few
cases of smallpox.
Edward j. Matthews, prominent
Susquehanna business man, is Repub-
lican candidate for representative at
Harrisburg. He is i'm every way well
qualified for the position.
The board of health urgently urges
our townspeople TO he vaccinated. An
ounce of vaccination is better than a
ton of smallpox.
During the recent smallpox scare at
Montrose, number of prisoners in the
county Jail wrote to the board of health,
stating that they would like to have
smallpox, If it would cause them to
"break out"
The Jackson Corner graded school,
recently closed ON account of scarlet
fever, has been re-opened. Whitney.
-----------------T-