Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1902-01-15
ABE WOULD HIRE A COOK
HE DESCRIBES HIS ADVENTURES
Some Difficulties He Experienced in
Living During His Wife's
Absence.

three months and left me to keeI
house. Now / am known fur and
wide as a great kook, but mi record as
house keeper had not been establish
ed, but think it is now. She told me
to go to town and git house keaper.
So put on my go to meetin klose, mi
stove pipe hat (which l never wear
only on state okkashuns) and sallyed
fourth like feller sum time ago 'seek-
in more worlds to kOnker." l struck
a bunch Of young ladies, well drest and
well edikated, and overheard one
say she was lookin fer a job, so I slept
up to the best lOokin one and raisin mi
hat sed "Sir, you lookin for sit'y-
washun", Eyes thanks" and every
word she sed she would put thanks"
or "pleese" at one end or the other of
each word. 1 didn't know what it
ment but sposed it was sort of figger
of speech fer them that is away up in
G. Wal, after few preliminaries the
fallerin dialog ensewed: "Your name
pleas" "Jones." ANY relation to
Hon. Abe JONES'" "Am proud to say,
the distinguished writer and orator, 1
am his only son and air." "YOur age
please "25." married or single" 4"
''To all intents and purposes married"
"Any children" mot yet, but fer
the time bein about as single as any
feller you ever see'' What wages?"
Wages no obje ect." "Where doc you
reside?" "a of a mile from the city
limits" "Ah," she sed ATS to fur
from town. 1 kood not aksept the
phase unless l kood have a fine horse
and karriage to ride too town every
afternoon and make kalls." / sed |
had hoss and karrige but they want
so awful fine, the dash to my karrige
leaned toward the hoss at an angle of
45o, he'd took the buttons off the kur-
tins to put on shews, and when gentle
sephur kums along they flap round like
the wings Of the American eagle. The
wheels wobble about like feller's leg
that's ben up late TO git the elekshun
returns. Mi karrige hoss is bronko
and the oldest inhabitant has no idea
how old he is and like lots of old peo-
pie he is kinder set in his ways and
when he takes notion to turn up too
house he is mighty apt to turn up.
"Oh," she sed, II can't make kalls
with such an outfit as that" Then l
thOt would show her that l had sum
edikation and fired littlelattin at her
aud sed our negoshiashions are adjurn-
ed "Sine-die"; she sed Eyes, / think
from your description of your hoss he
shows great signs of dying" Then l
tried em on French aud lifted mi hat
and sed "Au re voir" but the derned
thing fel out of my hands into the gut
ter and she sed II see your hat is on
the way to "au rivar'. l heerd em
snicker but tha was to perlite to laff
loud. A boy fished my hat out of the
krick aid l went home sadder if not
a wizer man determined to run the in
stishun miselfindividually. When mi
wife kun home she give me sort of
kross- The fust thing
she sed before she took her things off
was "Had any kallers?" Lots of en-"
and she glared at me over her spekti-
kles til 1 shook in my boots; finally it
got through my he'd what she was
thinkin of and / hastened to say, "but
that was all mails" She seemed 10
feel relieved Then she rushed into the
room where slept and histed win
dow and said it smelt like barnyard
and wanted to no il he'd ared the
room, and sed, "aired nothin," that
hadn't put on any airs in all my life
and L want goiu TO begin at this stage
of the game. 'rhen when did you
make that bed?" And | sad, faint
made it al; slep in ii 3 or 4-weeks aud
IL got SO il fitted mi form as perfek as
! one of of Paturka's best suits and J
| thought I'd let her 60 gallagher. y
When did you dust the iurnitup?"
Aud sed Amt got no dust, the blam-
ed tax ferrets took itail." Your knives
and forks seem "a. be rusty" VERY
likely, 1 and you will be rusty when
we are Is old rs them are They was
sum we bort at sekond hand store
when we fust went o. keepin house aud
more than likely they are $50 years ol /.
When did you change your shirt?
IL smells stronger OF sweat than Il
whole car load of Ben Bears swetter-.
| sed Every likely, for il aint ben aired
so much, but disremember whether
changed il the last at summer or the
tust of fall. ~ see you nave swept the
Middle of the floor al right, but why
haven't You swept round the corners
iHd 6Takss' sed | was a middle Ol
the road pOpulist and I'll he g0l dagned
|ii / would sneek round the corners and
{ 81 css for nobody" This here ended
tue Eross examinashun, and ] still sur
vive 10 tell the story,
ABE JoNFs, JR