The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1902-12-06

G. A. Burgess Enjoys Distinction of
Making Truth Hunt It's Hole.

G. A. Burgess Enjoys Distinction of
Making Truth Hunt It's Hole.
c. A. Burgess. of Cincinnati, who enjoys
the distinction of being the most monu-
mental prevaricator in Ohio and has medals
for honors won in other States is at the
Denison. Mr.. Burgess represents Cleve-
land firm that manufactures air compress
ers and after listening to him for half an
hour crowd that gathered around him in
the Denison lobby last night was convinced
that he had been operated on with one of
his company's machines charged with hot
air. he has Munchausen tied to a fence,
while Ananias is not one, two. three.
Gentlemen" said Mr.. Burgess, II don't
like to throw bouquets at myself, but
think that j am undoubtedly one of the
greatest benefactors of suffering humanity
that the world has ever produced. / have
just worked out an idea, suggested by the
air compressor that L sell, that has resulted
in sure cure for insomnia-the complaint
that has produced more maniacs and ruined
more bright people than anything else in
the world. 1t occurred to me that If air
could be compressed to run machinery it
might be compressed for other purposes.
Consequently L have established factories
in the sections of the country having the
darkest nights, and l am now prepared to
put on the market a condensed night that
essence OF sunshine. L have them put up
in small packages the size of biscuit and
now all that the sleepless one has to do
is to retire, start one of my nights to work.
ing and he is Immediately surrounded by
a darkness that is guaranteed to bring the
sweet, untroubled slumber of a child Think
of the boon my discovery will be to the
thousands of unfortunates who are COM
PEELED TO work at nights and sleep in the
daytime!
But. gentlemen. had no sooner evolved
mr. Cnd 1fCrhf -cfxy hrar
worked out something that will put the coal
trust out of business. L propose to con-
dense tropical July days and sell them in
bricks at a price so low that you could not
afford to do without them If you lived at
the equator. One of the bricks will heat
a ten-room house forty-eight hours. / am
now using them successfully In Cincinnati,
but to expatiate on their usefulness were
needless.
Still again. have produced a condensed
moonlight night that is meeting with a
great demand among the young people and
is being widely sold at church fairs, etc.
With capsule the size of an ordinary dose
of quinine young man may carry the
may uncork ii at just the opportune mo
ment and do all the counting in few
hours that would ordinarily keep him busy
for an entire summer. This idea will be
widely adopted at summer resorts next
season.
Il had another idea while conducting my
experiments along this line that also offers
densed all the atmosphere above a ten-acre
field of new-mown hay and this fall un-
corked the capsule in ballroom in Cincin-
natl. The result was electrical. The prep
aration was too strong, and half the guests
were at once seized with a serious attack
of hay fever, while three suffered violent
sunstroke and one imagined that he had
stirred up a nest of humble bees and grew
so frantic in his efforts to escape them that
he broke up the party
Gentlemen, there is no longer any ex-
cuse for homesickness. With my process
the traveller will condense the atmosphere
of his native heath before starting on his
journey, and when the first twinge of home
sickness strikes him he will uncork a cap
sule and Immediately imagine he has been
waited back among the old folks once
again. The hay fever victim may carry the
frosts of the north in his vest pocket, the
consumptive need not travel the weary miles
to Colorado and Arizona, the Bohemian
may live continually in his beloved artistic
atmosphere, the salt sea breeZes may be
brought TO Indiana, the perfumes of Araby
may permeate every clime-all this and
much more may be done by my new proc
ess. 1t is up TO the public to create the
demand. / have the goods to deliver at any
time or place..