davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19
MIR. DOOLEY ON FINANCIAL
NEEDS IN MATRIMONY.
Copyright. 1902, by Robert Howard Russeil)

I TIL father iv tn family niver thought
iv sindin' in an expert accountant to
look over tn young mans books an
decide whether his invistmints was
sound, an if tn young man had tn
nerve to- ask his father-in-law was he
still on tn payroll 'twundt be tn sac
ramint iv mathrimony he'd require. If
tn young man was kind to tn dog,
smoked seegars that We're not made be
tn rubber trust an cud pass ivry Sec
ond saloon without a pang, he was il
legible FIR to enther tn first families in
tn neighborhood an sometimes even
tn last. We was too dilicate FIR to
speak iv marriage as though twas like
buyin' a pound Nv tinpinny nails. Dur
in tn coortship no wan around tn
house liver let on that anything was
in tn air, though wanst in awhile,
they was a giggle whin tn dure bell
rung an tn oil man wud give a wink
to tn clock an go out into tn kitchen.
We spint most Nv our time in the
kitchen while tn preliminaries was be-
in arranged. TIL coortship l think
whit en- be a complete system iv sig
nails along before Marconi come into
tn wurruld, but wan night tn wealthy
heiress come back firm tn parlor an
fell into a clinch with her mother an
tn proud father yawned an whit to
bed. That was all they was to it. No
wan assayed young Latharyo Hinnissy
Nv tn sixth ward. If they heard he
had twinty-five dollars, they'd begin
Err to make an allybi ready FIR him.
mind whin Hogan was goin' to marry
Cassidy's daughter Il haven't a clint, he
says. Hurry up an marry thin says
Cassidy. or We might have
That's tn way 1t was in thin good
oil days an, be hivens, / think that's
tn way il is now among tn likes Nv
us. An that's a good thing FIR tn
men that own tn rollin' mills. 1t
wudden't do TO take amy chances go
in up an down Ar-rchey road offer
in ye'ersilf without tn cash forfeit.
Some wan might call We. But it's diff
Trent among tn best families. IT'S
far diff'rent. ! read be tn pa-apers
IN this controversy that II a man
can't show down a bank account that
wud make Andrew CarnayRie feel
like goin' back 10 wurruk. he might as
we'll make up his mind to remain a
guy bachelor TN he falls firm tn cab
fr IN las time. Not fr him IN joys
Nv mArrld life TN futman AT m joys
tellln' him his wife has not come home
yet IA prattlin' iv IN tendher infant
Hs " b. rocked 90 sleeD IN M incy-
bator, th frequent letthers frm
abroad askin' him II m dhIaft come.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

the Principals support the Chorus.
That evening all the Young Men yvbo
travel on their Names waited at tbe
Stage Door to crave an Introduction
so that they might Feed her ana IRE
sent her with Automobiles. She mar
ried one whose Folks came over in the
Mayfiower and haven't done anything
else except to hold on to their Real
Estate. And now when she floats into
a crowded Cafe, every one Rubbers. for
she is a Celebrity.
MORAL: There are no Calcium
Lights in the Box Factory.
THE MODERN FABLE OF THE AG-
R1CULTURAL MIGRATE AND
THE REVENGE OF THE COM
MON PEOPLE.
A Farmer once ran for a County Of
fee. He hitched up to his side-har
Buggy and drove around and Election
eered until he had the Job cinched
Man who lived in Town tried to puU
down the Nomination, but the Back
Townships were all for the Farmer
The Voters said they calculated that
Lem was in Sympathy with the Toiling
Masses, for he wore a suit of Blue
Jumpers and Hickory Shirt and fun
set of Eolians and he certainly looked
the Part.
Lem was carried to the County Seat
on Wave of Popular Enthusiasm
He moved into a House that was paint
ed four or five CoIors and he began to
wear his Black Suit every Day with
Boiled Shirt and Sleeve Buttons. The
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

would have been the cost in this coun-
try. AS for tailor made costumes, the
American woman thinks herself poor
indeed if she cannot get a suit from
Chang Chow.
1t is not only in their luxurious ma
terials that China is rich. 1t produces
a grass linen in white and pullucid
blue, which is so valuable a fabric for
summer wear that one wonders it has
not been imported. The Chinese are
averse to cutting this stuff, nor did l,
/ regret to say. want to buy a piece of
forty yards yard wide.
No, no, me catchee you one piece,
Missy said my Chinese tailor. and so
he did and brought me my dress law
ish with exquisite hemstitchings, pay
ing him for the whole S11.30 Mexican,
of which $3.50 was for the making.
This put into our money is As cents
for the goods, and $225 for the max
ing. This dress / still wear and cling
to with "a devotion that no other gown
inspires. The Chinese cottons are also
good, and their blue and white cham
bray seems to grow clearer with each
washing.
Hong Kong is so English that it does
not compare with Shanghai as a shop
ping port. But Canton, up the Pearl
river, is unrivaled, as l have said for
it's satins, creeps, feather fans and en-
broideries here and at the treaty ports
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19
BY r. p. DUN NE.

Can a man marry on twenty-five
dolars?" asked Mr.. Dooley.
HE can if he can get tn money, >"
said Mr.. Hennessy.
We'll, sir" said Mr.. Dooley, here's
a judge on tn binch says twinty- five
dollars is as mch as a man needs to
enther tn sacred bonds-twinty-fiv
dollars beside tn nerve, an he has to
have that anyhow. TIL pa-apers has
took it up an some is FIR it an some
is again it. A few EDITORS believes it
can be done on less; others thinks 1t
can't be done undher thirty at tn out
side. A learned lawyer says that a
man who wud lure young girl away
firm her music lessons whin if she
asked him FIR twinty-six dollars he'd
have to signal FIR help, is nawthin
short iv a Grimm Nearly all tn ladin'
addresses in tn country has been in
terviewed an they say that if marrid
at all they cud not see their way clear
FIR less thin a millyion iv money. They
think the judge meant a divorce. Look
in over tn argymints, pro and con,
Hinnissy, l come to tn conclusion that
tn judge is wrong an times has
changed.
"Whin was a boy all man needed
was a little encouragement firm tn
family. an account with a liveryman
an small pull with tn parish priest,
an there ne was. Twas well If he had
a Job. too, but if he hadn't, it wasn't
a bar. A marrid man can always find
wurruk to do. He's got to. But no
wan liver thought Nv askin' him to
skin open his bank book. They wasn't
amy such things. They wasn't any
banks. He didn't have to pin a CASH
ier's check to tn proposal an put in
a sealed bid. If tn girls i'm my time
an this part Nv town had TO wait fr
an opulent business man with twlnty-
Ave or thirty dollars nanny Nv them
would be waitin' at this minyit.
I'VE looked on mathrimOny as "A
dhraft on posterity as Mark Hanna
wud say, an not as an invistmint. We
argyied that while IN childher was
CROWN up we'd be- undher no expinse
an when they'd finished their schoolin'
an was able 10 take up the stern
iootieH Nv life an 10 TO wurrk say be-
tween M age Nv siven am nine, they
cud support us IN luxury. Tn young
ladies had none M best ~ us. They
had no money TOO, along with M rest
Nv their charms n WIS no case iy
matchin' coopons IN thin happy days.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

he had a Stomach. Now he could sit
down any time and write History of
his Liver. He was a Victim of the Pep
sin Habit. Also he was well known in
the Doctors Waiting Room where Peo-
pie sit around and hate one another
while reading last years Magazines
The old -Nighter would go to
the Play House and sit there brooding
oyer his Internal Organs. He wouldn't
have laughed for 81. When the Actors
looked down and saw that Before
Taking" Face in the Bald-Head Row,
they would get ratified and forget their
Cues.
After the Performance the Kicker
would go out and tell the Manager
what a punk Show it was, that the
Comedian was about as Humorous as
a Glue Sandwich and the Soubrette
was "A Narnish.
After failing for Years. TO put on a
Show that pleased the First Nighter,
the Manager decided to make one Su-
preme Effort. He arranged a Bill that
was a Corker. Melba did a Slack Rope
Act and Mansfield gave a Pedestal
clog. The inevitable Double Sextette
consisted OF May Irwin. Madam Mo-
jeska, Mary Mannering. Lillian Rus
sell, Amelia Bingham and Julia Mar
lowe In the Front Row, while u. H.
Sothern. John Drew. Francis Wilson,
Joseph jefferson Nat Goodwin and
Kyrle Bellew did the Tell Me, Pretty
Maiden" Business. Mrs. Patrick Camp
bell broke Glass Balls with a % Rifle
end the De Reszke Boys did several
Popular Ballads with Dance steps I'M
between. The Salary List looked bigger
than the National Debt II was the
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

ed that she had juggled the Wsineoo
Irons and rinsed the Dishes TOT
Sesterces per Week and If Society eve.
heard about II, she to the Discard. 30
in order to allay Suspicion and Prov
that there was a Chasm between nel
and any Kitchen Mechanic, she useu
to roast the Help. One of her taV't
lite Occupations was TO walk up Ut
down a Recent Arrival from German
or Scandinavia. With the irish I Smt
had to be a little more Careful bu,
she worked the Lady Act so hard tuas
che had to send TO the Intelligent,
Office for a new batch OF Menials ever
Day or two. She was so naughty alU
hity-ti that sometimes she almost ~.
lied herself into the Belief that -"
never had been a Hired Girl ~ an a.
She nattered herself that she eouls,
jump on a Servant I'm "A Manner Ky
would have done credit TO any or ~.
First Families When her HusDaH
rebuked her for calling down the Ma-1
In the Presence Of Callers, she
minded him that very often Wofhi1e
Girl thinks she IN ~ good as any ~"
else. unless she is Sauelched.
MORAL II In impossible 70 PAIN W
Poor Service on Graduate.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

Word travelled back to the Country
that Lem was getting to be a dali
blithered Dude, and the next thing you
knew, by Criminies, he'd be sporting
a Necktie. Lem had his Chinchillas
neatly trimmed by, the Town Barber
and came out in a Derby. He spread
it on pretty Thick and no mistake
His old-time Neighbors would drive
in town of a Saturday after a Week of
Hard Work and they would see Lem
sitting by a Window in the Court
House playing Checkers with the Town
Liar. When they realized that they,
the Taxpayers, were giving Lem
large Salary for sitting around in his
Sunday Best, they realized that Lem
had entered into that old and we'll
known Conspiracy to bunk the Granger
and gold brick him and give him the
Short End generally. So when Lem
ran for reelection the outlying Vote
fell on him life a Horse on a Butterfly
Every Woodworking Tiller of the Soil
took a Crack at Lem because he lived
IN Town and put on Dog. When Lem
found himself Narooned he did not
want to go back to the Country and
tackle Hard Work again. He stayed
in Town and permitted his Wife to
take Boarders. A good Farmer was
spoiled in the making of a Disappoint-
ed Fonlclan, put the voters dld not
acknowledge that they We're to Blame
MORAL: Never wean the Honest
Toiler away from his Blue Jumpers
THE MODERN FABLE OF THE
LADY WHO LIVED DOWN HER
PAST BY MAIN FORCE.
Once there was a large Family Of
Girls in an out-of- the-way Town. The
Family was up against it about four
thirds of the Time and the Girls had
to Shift for themselves. One of these
Girls did short line of Kitchen Work
for time in order to side-step the
Poor-House. Later on she led to the
Altar an industrious Young Fellow who
took her up to the City, where they
did very we'll. She began to wear all
kinds of Clothes and drop her RS ana
do the Heavy, but she could not get
away from her Past. She remember
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19
MODERN FABLES:
BY GEORGE ABE. str IT., ~

greatest bunch of Stars ever got to-
gether
There can be no Kick coming on
this Show" said the Manager, but even
as he spoke he saw the First-Nighter
coming out with a Look of Disgust on
his Face, although six Champion Prize
Fighters had just walked out on the
Stage to do a Dramatic Skit,
How do you like the Show?" asked
the Manager.
THE worst I ever saw, was the Re-
ply. THE Plot is not Convincing and
the Music is Reminiscent"
Il pass you up" said the Manager.
And after that he went back to cater
ing to the ordinary, low browed Pub
lie.
MORAL: 1t is the Gift of Disagree
ment that makes Nighters.
THE MODERN FABLE OF THE BOY
WITH THE STEADFAST AMBI-
TON.
In g. Small Place where the Local
Freight stopped to rake out the Ashes
and pick up a Car of Produce, there
was a Boy who had set his Heart on
being a Railroad Man. He would go
down to the Depot and stand on
the Platform and look at the
Head Brakeman on No. 4, and say to
himself: Some Day / shall be like
him if improve my Opportunities and
learn to make a Coupling on the Run
without the use of a Stick"
He was down Tipping the Trains ev-
cry Day, in defiance of the Town Mar
shall, and he wore a, flattopped Hat
and Braid on his Clothes and chewed
Conductors Delight All that he need
ed to be a real Railroader was a large
Silver Watch and a few Orders writ
ten on yellow Tissue Paper.
1t was a Proud Day when they put
him on an Extra Run for then he was
privileged to speak of the Superintend-
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

Photograph and carried about six CYL
inders When he had run them
through, he would begin all over again
and Duplicate them. He was a Re
peater. He had few hot Stunts, but
he always exhausted his Repertoire
the first time at Bat, and about the
second or third Session the Listener
would drop to the Fact that he was
being led around and around in a Cir
Gle.
A Young Lady likes a Compliment
if it is Impromptu and manufactured
expressly for her. but it makes her
peevish to learn that Some 1000 other
Girls have had the same Speech slip
ped to them under the same Circum-
stances.
When the Quarter-Horse broke into
the Parlor for the Purpose of she'll
reading the Quiet Man he made big
Hit right off the Reel. He did all the
talking and had the Girl hanging on
his Words with one Arm and reach
ing for him with the other In the
meantime Old Silence and-Fun set
back in the Corner, completely blank
eted. but saying to himself: Let him
have all the Rope he wants and he'll
tie himself in a Hard Knot"
On the third Evening the Sprlnter
was all in and began to run with a
Limp, so old Charley Slow pulled his
Chair forward and took charge of the
Girl once more.
MORAL: Don't shoot all your Fire
Works as a Curtain Raiser. -
THE MODERN FABLE OF THE
MANAGER AND THE DEAD
HEAD WHO WAS SOUR ON THE
WHOLE GAME.
There was a case-hardened old First
Nighter who claimed that all the real
Actresses and funny Comedians had
been dead for Is or 20 years He longed
for the Palmy Days when he used to
lean back and Haw-Haw and be an
Encore Fiend. Seemingly he overlooked
the Fact that when Comic Opera hit
him hard and the Minstrels made him
Laugh until it Hurt he had been a
glngery Kid with keen Interest in
Life At that time he didn't know that
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

A large ponderous Man with a slow
Delivery and very few gallant Ac-
complishments was trying to date up
a Nice Girl for a case of Marry, when
a Rival dashed in between them and
put him out of Business for while.
This Rival was what they called
Quarter Horse or Splinter. He was
stronger at the Start than at any time
thereafter. After having known him
for Minutes one would have said
that he was Delightful Chap. Those
who had known him for 5 Weeks con-
fided that he was the cheapest Smoke
who ever Blew. He was a Human
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

ent as the Old Man and wave his hand
at all the Dining Room Girls along the
Line
Just as he was becoming we'll ac-
quainted with all the Agents and Oper-
ators and had acquired a large Vocab-
ulary to be used in cussing the En-
gineer, he got what seems to be due
every Brakeman. He was a little slow
in Withdrawing the Left Fin and the
Bumpers caught him. When he came
out of the Hospital, his Left Hand
looked like a Pair of Scissors. Then
he was a sure enough Railroader. He
went back on the Road and the next
time they landed him Right. He got
mixed up in a head-on Collision and a.
Gravel Train piled up on top of him
By the time the Surgeons had pared
away what wouldn't be any more use
to him, he was trimmed down to about
three-quartrs Size. AS soon as he got
his Clutches he went back and got n.
Job on a Crossing where his Duties
were to wave a Red Flag and criti-
cize the Policy of the Road. One Day
his Uncle, a well-to-do Citizen, came
along and said to what was left of him.
IF you had taken my Advice. You
would be a successful Business Man
with the usual number of Arms and
Legs"
Then the Remnant replied as follows:
When the Choo-Choo Microbe begins
to work ON Man, he would rather be
a crippled Brakeman than an athletic
Bank President"
MORAL: He whose Soul is in Rail
reading never objects to being Marked
Up a little.
THE MODERN FABLE OF THE
MAIDEN WHO CONNECTED
WITH THE BEE-LINE ROUTE TO
THE REGIONS OF THE UPPER
TEN.
Beside an Open Window in the BOX
Factory there toiled Day after Day a
bright young Thing named Lizzie. She
could look out and see the Gilded Youth
going by, leading their Dogs, and try-
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19
FREE HELP FOR
BAD BLOOD

An honest offer-Remedy Cures Deep
Seated. Obstinate Blood Troubles
Makes the Blood Pure and Rich.
Does your skin itch and burn? Do
your bones ache? Have you pimples
or eruptions? Are your joints painful
or swollen? Have you boils or car
buncles? Are your muscles swollen?
Have you scabs or scales? Ulcers ?
Eating sores? Scrofula? Eczema? Of
fensive catarrh or chronic rheuma-
tism?
These symptoms indicate that your
blood is diseased and you are liable
at any time to have cancer or blood
poison-your system is full of humors
Botanic Blood Balm (B. b. b. will
cure cancer, blood poison, all of the
above symptoms, and all diseases
which can be traced back to tainted,
impure blood as "A foundation.
HERE Is PROOF.
Face Covered with PimpIes. Itching
skin, Aching Bones, Yet Cured by
II. II .B.
Mr. c. w. Robertson, Augusta, Ca,
He says: my face was covered with
fostering eruptions and pimples. / was
ALI run down with aches and pains in
bones, joints and rheumatism, and my
skin itched with scabs and scales. /
was discouraged. as doctors and patent
iiiGultiAicS ndQ utterly IdlleQ 10 cure
me. Finally / took or 8 bottles of
Botanic Blood Balm, which cleared
my system of all impurities, healed eV-
cry sore ana ulcer, stopped all the
aches and palms, and gave my skin the
rich glow of perfect health and made
my blood pure and rich. Botanic Blood
Balm will do the same for any sufferer
from bad blood or skin troubles. Yours
truly, g. w. ROBERTSON.
CURED OF CANCER
Mrs. NJ. l.. Adams. Fredonia. Ala.
took Botanic Blood Balm which effec-
tually cured an eating, fostering can
Ger of the nose and face. The sores
healed up perfectly. Many doctors had
given up her case as hopeless; nun
dreds Of cases Of the worst form OF
cancer and terrible eating sores, chronic
ulcers and swelings have been cured
by Botanic Blood Balm.
CURED or BLOOD POISON.
Geo A. williams Roxbury Mass
had Blood Poison; his face covered
with pimples; sore on back of head;
fostering swelling on the neck; blood
thin; itching skin; aching bones Boz
tanic Blood Balm killed the poison.
healed every sore or pimple and gave
his face the rich glow Of perfect health.
Blood Balm gives life, strength and
vigor TO the blood kills all poisons
\ and humors. At drug stores for 81 per
large bottle, with complete directions
for home cure.
FHEEi FREE. FREE!
To prove that Blood Balm cures a
sample sent absolutely free. Address
Blood Balm CO.. 1859 Mitchell street
Atlanta, Ga. Describe trouble and
free confidential medical advice sent
IN sealed letter.
EDITORIAL NOTfCE-The Blood
BnIm 90. a. one of che largest and
Iaost fhorOughIy reliable medical
concerns ia fbe country. The above
sner H. genuine. ne medicine H. sent
ne once prepaid
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

Maria Won Bunsen relates in +bo
Berlin National Zeitung a pathetic ~,
cident regarding the Empress Fro5
erick. She was driving with her az
fine morning at Ventimiglia, when +bo
Empress suddenly startled her vi+5
the words: Promise me not to tell ann II,.
one-I have a fatal malady. ~.
told my mother, but none of NV "a,
dren know it. l do not want tbaI-
to know it, now; 1 want them 70 -, en
joy life" e"-
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

and of course the cachemires sssr.
most desirable. n
Coming down to Egypt one NAV ~.
feather boas to a great advantage ans
wisely supplement ones wardroha ,rit,
a pretty little embroidered An IN
jacket. Mary Gay Humphre,s
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

The only Hindoo writer of Ens,;s,
fiction is said to be Sarath Kurar
Ghosh. He is Fellow of the Row,
Astronomical Society, and he shovel
such aptitude for legal work that tba
late Lord Chief Justice earnestly al
vised him to practice at the EnpIiSb
Bar. He is young, unmarried. a fan
singer of italian love songs and Sootcb
ballads. He is to be presented to W.
King next year.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

ing to walk English Fashion and she
would ask herself: "Oh, is IL within
the range of Human Possibilities that
some day / shall meet these remarIxa-
BILE Creatures?"
The Answer seemed to have a Mega
tive Flavor, for up TO date Lizzie had
been unable to Flag any OF our Best
Young Men They couldn't see Box
Factory Girl, not even with Monocle.
But one Morning Lizzie arose and
found that her Name WAS not Lizzie
AZ all. but Elfe Lollypop. supposed 10
be the Daughter Of Prominent PhyM-
clan 81 San Francisco. And the Box
Factory saw her 40 more, for she ,,as
IN the Front Row or the Merry Vii
layers Of one Of these Troupos In which
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19
SHOPPING IN PHILIPPINES
Exquisite Island Stuhs as Well as
beautiful Chinese Fabrics

New York, Jan. 1.-THE Philippine
Islands not only produce beautiful
stuffs, but thither the enterprising
Chinese bring their textiles. These
owing to the tariff are not as cheap
as in China. One of the amusements
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1902-01-19

The Modern Fable of the Me teoric
Mixer Who Did Not Last Such
Long Time.
Evening times-Republican. [volume] (Marshalltown, Iowa) 1890-1923, 1902-11-03
Eurning Hn 5nnap, Nourrr 3 1902

A recent rumor that has been current
in this city to the effect that the Iowa
Central would soon pass into the hands
of receiver is denied in toto by Gen
eral Manager l.. F. Day. That gentle
men boots the idea, and brands it as an
idle rumor without any foundation
whatever. He says that with the Iowa
Central expending and contemplating
the expenditure of vasts sums of money
on improvements, it would not be likely
to go into the hands of a receiver. If it
were 1t would not only cut off improve
ments of all kinds, but save it's money
for dividends. He is unable TO under
stand how such an utterly idle rumor
gained any credence whatever, in view
of the efforts the Central is making to
get it's property in the best possible
shape.
The Burlington and Rock Island in
stalled Sunday their new passenger
service from the Twin cities to St. Lou
is, to compete with the M. & S. L., Iowa
Central and Wabash. The roads will
operate two daily trains between the
Twin Cities and st. Louis over the west
route, instead of one as heretofore. The
route UelNGeit LIE liOl III dild liz s'ooeii
will be changed so that trains will be
run over the Burlington, Cedar Rapids
& Northern from Albert Lea, this por-
ton also being a part of the Rock Is
lands new Chicago-St. Paul line. The
former train service was over the Min
neapolis & st. Louis from Albert Lea.
The abandonment of the Minneapolis
e st. Louis tracks by the Rock Island
from Albert Lea north gives the Illinois
Central an opportunity to start Chi
cago, ST. Paul and Minneapolis service
by the way of its own lines and those
of the Minneapolis & st. Louis, which
went into effect Sunday.