The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-12-29
STORIES TOLD
AT YULETIDE
Only Thirty-fiys Jokes Exist.
Says Mark Twain.
TALE OF KING FREDERICK
WOMAN TAINTED HER HUS-
BAND WHILE DROWNING.

over the more material feasts which
are set before the public at the clubs
and leading banquet places of the ma
ton. In the first place. neither time,
previous engagements nor intervening
space between invited guest and groan-
ing board need bar the guests attend
ance. 1t is quite as easy To imagine
the American ambassador at Paris
present at such a feast, in spite of the
thousand leagues that separate him
from US, as among those who perforce
of circumstances must be accounted
absent, says the New York Herald.
To such a banquet certain folk of
eloquent repute were invited. Some
there We're who came and some who
stayed away. Some brought new
thoughts and anecdotes, and some idea
naught, and some referred the hosts
to other feasts for samples of their
wisdom and their humor. The noble
Twain. who's given much to all man
kind, is represented here by words of
wisdom that should guide his fellow
craftsmen in the art which he hath
mastered. Sage and quipsome "Dooley,7
saying naught, was yet included in the
goodly company by those who wished
him there, and having but the wish to
give them countenance, accounted him
among the wits who also ran
The words that fell from lips like
these, or might have fallen thence. are
set down here for reasons that seem
good to one whose only thought is, in
these gladstone days, to add somewhat
unto the good cheer of the land. The
tales they tell. the wise saws they in
dulge in and their quips and quirkS
hath each some point of humOr or phi
losophy that men take and inwardly
digest with profit, laughter and the bet
terment of their souls.
The dinner never was, save in the
fancy, yet it might have been; and
some day in the future it may be that
this, our Christmas dream, may yet
come true.
Thus they spake:
Mark Twain-Only thirty-five jokes
exist; you may set that down as a first
principle. All others are variations.
Only thirty-fvel Just think of it! Per-
haps some American will discover the
thirty-SiXth. That would be worth liV-
ing for.
But there are more than thirty-hve
ways of being funny. These may be
divided into two great groups-being
funny Intentionally and being funny
uncOnsciously. There are more men
who do the latter than who do the for
mer. can give professional after
dinner speakers one piece of advice.
and at the same time reveal a trick of
the trade: The funniest thing in the
world is the truth. Tell the plain truth.
and people will always laugh at it
take it as a joke.
If get UP at dinner and refer to
a man as an insincere galoot-I mean
a man who is present at the dinner
he, as well as everybody else, viii
laugh. Everybody at the table knows
that he's a fraud, and always has been
a fraud. and always will be a fraud.
But when tell them of it they smoker
and. laugh and think I'm the funniest
man alive.
If you want to be funny get your
facts first, and then you can distort
them as much as you please, in the
sublime confidence and with the abso-
lutte certainty that your hearers win
find you excrueiating.
g 9 @
Chauncey NJ. Depew-The Christmas
dinner, being the most elaborate feast
of the year, ought to incite the post
prandial speaker to his high water
mark of wit and humer. At least such
would be the philosophy Of an old up
state farmer who once wrote me a
wrathful letter regarding a meal he had
eaten in the railroad restaurant of a
town that, for story telling purposes,
we will call Podunk-the real name of
the place on the map was Utica.
1t was in the days before the rail-
road had gone into the restaurant bust
ness itself, and when we rented a room
in the station to anybody who wanted
to feed the travelling public. These
wildcat eating houses were for many
years a never ending source of COM
plant and denunciation on the part of
the patrons of the road.
One day personally received a long
harangue from the upstate farmer,
who wound up by saying that he had
read 10000 of my after dinner stories,
all of which he had read elsewhere be-
fore I was born. but he vowed that If
were to eat the dinner he had eaten
in the restaurant at .Podunk'' 1 would
have made some original remarks
which would have been worth going 100
miles 10 hear.
Judge Henry z. Howland-When
King Frederick of Denmark was trav-
cling through Jutland he one day en-
lively and intelligent and quite ready
to answer his questions.
well, children" said ne, what are
the names of the greatest kings of
Denmark"
With one accord they cried out
'Canute the Great, Waldemar and
Christian ~"
Just then a little girl to whom the
schoolmaster had whispered something
stood up and raised her hand.
DO you know another?' asked the
king
yes. Frederick VI"
What great act did he PERFORM
1.-The girl hung her head and stam-
mered out, II don't know
BE comfOrted, my child said the
king. Il don't know, either"
One of my friends in France goes to
see his grandfather, who has recently
entered his ninety-fifth year, living
TRANQUILITY in the country with the last
of his daughters. Euphrasie, now more
than 20 years old.
How are you today. grandfather
said my friend the other day.
Very well, my little man. he re-
piled. 4 eat my four meals a day,
washed down with good wine, and
walk a couple Of miles"
Then you are content?"
Certainly. That is to say, 1 should
be if were not uneasy about the fu-
ture of Euphrasie.''
How is that2"
yes, that torments me. I see her
growing more and more feeble every
day. She grows old realize that
and 1 often ask myself. Who will. take
care Of me when she is gone? '
Peter F. Dailey.-A tailor. having
amassed fortune by trade, cut the
shop and removed to the country. to
live in dignified pleasure His wife was
bit of a.shrew and apt. as wives are
To find out her husbands weak points
| One Of these was a shame of his former
occupation, and she harped upon the
4 Earring string until the DOOr xvrefftl,