The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1902-08-17
Armstrong Laundry '' s+s !; is:s';: So %
PIE N HAPPINESS.
A Timely Dissertation on One OF the
Blessings of Civilization.

New York Sun.
An esteemed but erring correspondent,
the condition of whose immortal liver may
be judged from the fact that he seeks to de-
rive the Acherontic- Olympian oath Judas
priest" from jeu d'esprit. brandishes his
little map against the great ocean Of the
praise OF pie:
ITO the Editor of the Sun: Beware Of
pie, kivered or unkivered. l lay my inabil-
ity to eat aught but crackers and milk for
my MONDAY lunch at the door of kivered
pie of the dried-apple variety.
New York. July 3"
O., cocoa mems mortaliumi How blind
these mortals be, What did Mr.. Goodwin
eat for his lunch before he pached his
abysses with dried-apple pie? Was it his
custom to sadden MONDAY by swallowing
a plate of radishes, Vienna rolls. a Del
monico steak with fried potatoes. half a
broiled live lobster, shrimp salad, a double
portion of Gorgonzola cheese and a pot of
black coffee? He weeps because he lunches
on crackers and milk. 'Tis lunch enough
for him or any other man who doesn't do
hard physical labor. For, Mr.. Goodwin it
is rather too much than too little. as his
phiIology shows. His physician should or
der him to leave off the crackers or the
milk. Etymology will not give up its treas
ures to the overfed. Not by gorging all day
on bull or bullock like a Nasal warrior
making himself strong for battle, does DR..
Murray fortify himself for his labOrS on
the new English dictionary.
Biologists and psychologists have noted
the tendency of men to lay all their all
mentS upon pie. Indiscretions and eccen-
~tricities of diet, long ~indulgences in stom-
ach scathing messes are forgotten or for
UiVpn- and ME the genial mother of health.
the guardian of digestion, the guarantee of
old age, is blasphemed by the ignorant or
the wicked. We are not going TO defend
dried apple pie. Like Massachusetts, she
has no defense. There may be improperly
or imperfectly dried apples. There are
dried apples that will swell in the inwards
of the pie scOrners. The place of dried
apple pie may be comparatively humble IN
the great sisterhood of sweetness, but there
have been and are dried apple pies as ten
der as the signs of young love, and as mel
low as the horns of Eifand. Now there
was Aunt Persis-but hush. this is not for
profaner ears. Enough to say that the
person who thinks he finds that a pie dis
agrees with him should search himself
thoroughly. May he not be in fault rather
than the pie? Suppose that one pie or one
kline of pie is wrong. Shall we therefore
hate all pie? Because Brownrigg had a
taste for homicide, shall we condemn all
Women?
So much for Mr.. Goodwin and his lunch.
Even if it be true that he suffers physically
IN oAA0hAA "a AAAi1AiA u AI AAAOAa al
advantages of pie. We had the honor of
publishing the other day an article in
which the editor of the Spartanburg Spar
tan glOrified pie and properly sought to
make it the test of candidates for office
and the main issue of the day. Now there
comes to us this certificate of the moral
value of pie:
ITO the Editor Of the Sun: I have known
the author of that thesis on pie for upward
of a quarter of a century. most closely,
and l never remember having heard him
utter a cross word or seen him given a
cross look except when his wife landed a
cook who made tough pie crust. Then. by
CAD, sir, it would take your Sunday edition
to tell what followed.
SIMPLE SIMON'S DAUGHTER"
"Cedarhurst, July g."
Pie makes even the good better and
would reform the bad. if they would stick
to it. Honest pie maketh a happy man.
When you talk OF spreading civilization. -
you mean spreading the blessings of civil
ization," and what are the chief blessings
Of civilization? Piei