Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1902-09-05
Two Farmers Who
Fooled With Nature


Farmer Ezra Baler to the corner
grocery convention. Nary new
thing got a-past Uncle Jabe. He'd
have filter at it whether it was
q fyin' machine or the latest wrinkle
In the higher criticism.
Every time new fool squared the
circle Uncle Jabe'd get to work fg-
urin how he could turn his ten-acre
dot into a race track and not leave
no corners hanging over; and he
hadn't more'n read about appendi-
,citis when he got n pain under his
s'pender buckle that wouldn't give
way till he took it to the city hos
pital fer a operation.
"They had the old boys appendix
hangin' on the line next day. Want
nothiu' wrong with it, but Unble Jabe
said he was better off without it any
way. Twas only extra weight, he
said, an some day wanderin' germ
would have crawled into it an then
it'd have been all day with Uncle
Jabe.
Across the valley from Uncle Jabe
lived old ST Beezle. 81 was about a
hundred, more or less, but he was a
lively old bird. An up-to-date? Why,
old 81 was so up-to-date he used to
take n a daily newspaper.
"He was the only man in Buckaloo
county could keep in sight of Uncle
Jabez Boneset for pergressiveness.
Mostly it was a pretty tight race be-
tween 'em. If one got ahead of the
tother any way, the beaten one'd
stink aroun' like licked cur till he
could get even.
"Why, after Uncle Jabez put fin
keel into his 12-foot, flat-bottom row
boat tbat he speared eels A'om, old
ST lost ten pound of weight And 1T
Just sent Uncle Jabe to his bed when
Si had one o. them yellow fever mos
quitoes sent him from Cuby, an kept
the critter in box fer the neighbors
TO look at.
"Honors had been pretty easy up
to last summer. Then Uncle Jabe
got a pamphlet in the mails that
made him skip like cat in catnip
bed. 1t was from the United States
agricultural department and told
about bringin' rain by shootin' off a
new-fangled cannon.
A'This cannon was n kind of sta
tionary blunderbuss. You pointed
her at the sky and filed her up with
powder, and blazed away for awhile,
and pretty soon the clouds would
begin to come up and there'd be a
mice, hard shower.
Just what I've been wantin',
says my uncle. My melons needs a
aittle wettin',' he says. Il can make
one o. them things easy as fryin' lard
out of pig He could, too, for he
was real handy about carpenterin
and such like. III make on to-day,
he says, AN if this pernickety clear
weather lasts I'll load up tomorrow,
he says, AN shoot a shower out OF
the clear sky. Reckon I'll surprise
that old fogy, 81 Beezle, some
"While he was buildin' his rain gun
old 81 Beezle acrost the valley was
purity busy. Some feller had sent
him pamphlet on weather maxim
Maybe twas the same feller that sent
Uncle Jabe his'n.
'Tennerate old Sis pamphlet de-
scribed q cannon that folks in Italy
had been usin' to spoil hailstorms,
They planted their batteries toward
where the storm was expected an
afired at the clouds until they just
naturally busted and let down the
xain or hail, or whatever it was.
"'Suits me- says old 81. My grapes
Is doin' fine, this nice, shiny weather
Of he, ,,.t;
1ery over back on the west hill an
the next cloud that shows it's nose
there, I'll shoot the stuffir, out of it
Wonder what old Stickin-the- mud
Jabez Boneset, III think of that for
a twentieth century notion he says
"Thcre wasn't nothin' small about
his way of doin' things. While he
was at it he made ten of them can
mons am planted 'em over on the hill
to the westward. 1t cost him lot
of powder to load 'em up, but he was
well eff an, anyhow, he never
'grudgcd money to carry out a new,
tangled idee.
$50 there was Uncle Jabez' rain
perducin' gunpowder outfit on one
hillside, an not more'n mile away
on the opposite hill old 81 Beetles
battery of storm-busters, an neither
of 'em KNOWN anything about the
other.
Next mornin' come an not clout
in the blue. Uncle Jabez sized NJ
the situation, and says he to tn,
patch on the lef' knee: Here's wher,
we perduce some weather. says he
'rhet is, if there's any weather with
in shootin' distance. AS pants tn,
hart fer coolin' streams says Uncl,
-Jabez, quotin' hime tunes, so pant.
my melons for likely shower, anC
I'm goin' to fetch 'em one or prov,
the agricultural government of thes,
United States plumb liar says he
Accordingly be unlimbered hi
weather battery and fired bunch o
,salutes in the face of the vaultin
lhaayena II so haDnened that c