Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1902-11-29
PHILOSOPHY OF HATS
M ii. ARLINGTON BRucE.

the ancient Romans, and even to the ear
Ter Greeks, who wore on occasions spe-
lies Of hrimmed headgear. TIE halter Of
Greece must have mad an easy time Of il,
for the fashions in hats could not have
been very varied in els day; but from tae
moment that hats were introduced into the
country Of our forebears the woes OF both
halter and wearer began, and rave multi
piled TO an extent that Is wel-alga ilnpcs-
slble TO chronicle.
The trouble hes chiefly in the fact hat
neither halter nor weerer i satisfied vita
simple, unaffected style. While the plain
petasus sufiiced the old Roman, the mod
ern man must have his silk, his derby, mis-
rough straw, his panama, bis rough rider,
and his what-not in hats. Not only so, but
the fashions in each particular variety are
constantly changing, so that what Is seem
ly to-day must be discarded tomorrow.
In short, hats are less designed for use
than for ornament.
The evolution from the simple to the
complicated in hats is not only instructive,
but amusing. In the twelfth century a
plain beaver was in general use Pretty
soon the mobiles began to add plumes of
many colors to their hats, in order to mark
still further the distinction between patri-
clan and plebeian. In the thirteenth CEN
fury hats began to denote even higher de-
gree of rank, for it was then that the scarlet
hat of the cardinal was invented. Then
reaction set in, and everybody, rich and
poor, donned hats. By the sixteenth cen
fury fashion had begun to exercise her in
exorable prerogatiyes and the public sui
fered accordingly. One day the proper
thing would be a spire-shaped affair, the
tip of the crown being foot or so above the
brim. The next day broad felt hats had to
be worn. Now it would be a hat with
black band, now with green, now with a
russell.
The pendulum swung back again in the
times of Charles L., when the Puritans at
fected simple style with broad brim.
Hereupon fashion welded the hammer
once more. The broad brims were first
adorned with feathers, then were Topped
up and tied, thus originating the ancient
and honorable cooked hats OF the days OF
the Pretenders. Until the beginning Of the
nineteenth century the cooked hat reigned,
to be displaced finally by that hideous in
vention OF Florentine art, the silk hat.
Oh, the sins of which the silk hat stand
convicted Why people regard it as the
most beautiful of masculine headwear is
difficult to say, yet it must be so regarded,
or it would not have held sway SO long. OF
all the not, uncomfortable, awkward, and
profanity-inspiring species OF hat, give us
the silk. If it had but one redeeming quail
ity its many faults might be condoned, but
there is absolutely nothing to be said In It's
favor. 1t can only plead that 1t is fash.
ionabe, but this is no defense; fashion can
not absolve it from its many sins.
One OF the weightiest Of its shortcom-
ings is that it is conducive to badness.
Wearers of silk hats are almost always
bald men, or are on the high road to that
most unenviable condition. While it is de.
clared on the best authority that the con-
slant wearing of any style OF hat will ultl-
mately end in badness, it may be stated
as an axiom that the periodic wearing OF
the silk is a sufficient cause, and that ii
people were to go bareheaded at other times
they could not avoid the destruction Of
their hair should they be rash enough to in
dulge in the silk hat on the occasions when
they felt it incumbent upon them to cover
their heads.
Another grievous crime of the silk hat is
that it is destined, sooner or later, TO cause
its owner to be discounted. Short men DO
not suffer SO much in this respect as tall
men, for they do not have such opportunity
to knock their hats off by coming into con-
tact with the roofs OF street cars, tops OF
low doors, or the sharp points OF chanGe-
Tiers. But equally with tall men they suffer
when the average small boy has SNOWFALL
in his hand for the temptation TO use the
silk hat as mark is equally great whether
the wearer be tall or short. Again. silk hats
have an uncommon knack of getting in the
wrong place when not in use, OF being sat
upon oIs kicked into nothingness by some
short-sighted or careless individual; all OF
which causes the owner and the destroyer
a great mental distress, that can only be
avoided by the Punishment from civilization
OF the high top hat.
Indeed, sin seems to follow III the wake
of every kind of hat. The untutored saw
age is generally docile enough creature UNI
til hats, have invaded his domain. With a
hat on his head he will indulge in acts OF
cruelty at which he would shudder in MS
bare headed senses If missionaries would
only think Of this and would avoid the APP
pearanee of evil by discarding hats When
they started out for the fields OF endeayor,
it is tolerably certain we would hear fewer
stories OF cannibalisIn.
But no-they must enter the kingdom OF
the savage with the latest style Of hat upon
their heads, and at once the barbarian feels
a strange, unreasoning desire 10 acquire
that wonderful sample Of civilization for
himself-presto. the missionary to the din
ner pot, the hat TO the cannibal kings
brow.
+ Taken all in all, the world would be well
rid Of hats. There never was more sen
sible fad at Newport than that OF going
bareheaded, and the devotees OF the fad
will give ample testimony as to its bene-
fetal results. We hear a great deal now
adays about men breaking down from stress
of overwork, whereas ii the truth were
only known, the breakdown was actually
caused by the stress of headgear.
Not alone the weight Of hats, but the pre-
posterousness Of their design is enough to
give a sensitive man an attack Of nervous
prostration. A man who spends hours
working over some intricate problem in
science or planning some gigantic commu-
nifty of interests in the realm of business