davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
THE GREAT JOKE, DEATH.
Funny Side of Dying Often Treated
of In Literature.

FuURy SIDE or Dy1nS Otten 2reSateu
of In Literature.
Death" said publisher, has been
treated humorously in our literature
often. Indeed l am quite sure that L
collection of many thick volumes might
be made under the title Of Deaths s
Funny Side Thomas Hood was one
of our best writer's OF this sort o.!
verse. Don't you remember his ballad
on the young sailor who died heart
broken over his girls unfaith: The
last stauza was:
His death. which happened in his berth,
AT forty odd befell:
They went and told the sexton. and
The sexton tolled the bell.
Hood did another ballad on the sub
iect of a soldier who lost both legs in
battle, who was in consequence Tilted
by his sweetheart and who then hung
himself. Now, that is rather tragic, is
it not? 1t has bizarre but none the
less poignant tragic note. Guy de
Naupassant indeed once handled al
most this same situation, but he han
died it from the opposite viewpoint,
and don't you remember how be mar
rated the first, the crucial. meeting Of
the lovers after Ben Battles double
amputation?
"But when he called on Nellie Gray
She made him quite scott,
And when she saw his wooden legs
Began to take them off.
'This treatment drove Ben to de-
spair:
$50 round his melancholy neck
A rope he did entwine
And for the second time in life
Enlisted in the line.
~And there he hung till he was dead
AS any nail in town:
For, though despair had cut him up.
1t could not cut him down.
There is a tremendous literature Of
humorous epitaphs. There must be. |
fancy, 10000 of these, but tVs,c of them
are all can recall. The frs goes:
Here lies the body of mild Maria:
Ebe went one day to start the fire,
But the wood was green,
So she used kerosene.
And now she's where the fuel is drier.
'.The other is grimmer:
Life IS lie, and all things show it;
thought so once. and now know it.
Then there are songs on the side
splitting aspects of death, some of
which have caused tender hearted la
dies to double up with nirth. Johnny
Jones and His Sister Sue is one such
song, and bet that six people out of
ten in America know it by heart.
Yes" the publisher concluded, "un-
der the title Of Deaths Funny Side an
anthology Of many, many volumes
could be made. The anthology should
be bound in black pigskin. with grin
ming skulls and crossbones fooled in
gold on t."-Philadelphia Record.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
THE CLUMSY MAN.
You Can Never &c Sure Of What Els
Next Rreck VIII DC.

You Can Never &c Sure Of What Els
Next Rreak VIII DC.
The great virtue about the really
clumsy man is that he never exhausta
his capabilities. When you think that
the bedrock IS reached, there is still Il
lower depth. If Il detrimental relative
should exist. the clumsy man asks aft
cr his health with great particularly
and will not be satisfied until he re-
ceives full and detailed reply. Should
there be any incident in your past
which everybody has generously agreed
to forget it is the clumsy man who
saiZcs the one. the inevitable Opportu-
nifty. when the club is at its fullest and
says loudly: "Somebody was talking
the other day about that unfortunate
little affair Of yours in '95. Now tell
me-
When On meeting him you say casu-
ually and with 10 desire for infCrlna-
ton. How are you?' he insists on civ
ing you complete data, and he is as full
Of small complaints as 4 refractory
pauper 1t is only fair to add that he
will ask affectionately after the colds
of yesteryear, and his favorite locale
for this is at the corner of drafty
street. He might be subsidized by in
fuenza Or he might get i commission
on sore throats from his eagerness to
pin you into the most dangerous posi-
ton that can be discovered.
One desires an adequate amount Of
sympathy in distress. but our man al
ways goes little beyond this point.
You are growing thin. and he says that
you are wasting away to shadow.
You are growing stout, and he tells an
unamusing anecdote about apoplexy.
He can be more critical than a hair
dresser if occasion gives the least ex-
cuse.-Philadelphi Ledger.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
F'ilipinos Hate Americans.

Rome, July 17.-Fatber Santiago
Papa, the provincial of the Domini-
cans in the Philippines, who il stay
ing here, when informed of the result
of Taft's negotiations with the van''-
can on the subject of the friars,
expressed satisfaction at 'ba accept
ance of the first proposal Of Crdlnal
Rampolla that the matter be ciscuss-
ed at Manills between the apostolic
delegate and Taft. Father Papa
says that it is rot true that tie Fill
pinos are against the friars, but de-
c!ares they hate the Americans.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
The Standing ARMY.

Old Lady-Poor fellow. And so you
are a soldier?
Corporal Cannon-YeS. ma'am.
Old Lady-I'm awfully sorry for you.
My, my, to think they never allow you
to sit down,
CORPORAL Cannon-Ma'am?
Old LADY, said was sorry for you.
and it is heartless and cruel for the
government to keep 4 standing army
all the time
Corporal Cannon-Ma'am? Oh. yes,
ma'am, thank you.-London Chums.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
Oh. SO p0litet

"Politcst people ever knew down in
that fever and ague country remark
ed the traveller. In other places they
shake hands when they greet you, but
down there they shake all over."-Chi-
cagO Post.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
An Appropriate Name.

I'll is a pretty name" the impress
sicnab3 traveller murmured, but tell
ne why do they call you Manita:'
Yhere was an arch smile on the saw
sge msiden's face.
Evidently" she said as she signaled
10 her brothers. who were concealed in
1se hrush with clubs, You do not
kEiuw o4lr favorite food
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
Suspected 1t.

Castieg-1 cart honor that check,
1Ea1a1a Your husbands account is
otng1}raw wn.
U-pzusu-Huh, Ovcrdrawn. is it? l
xaSEscted something was wrong when
he signed this check without waiting
1<r I,e TO get the Mysteries.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
The Best Liniment for Strains.

Mr.. n. T Wells. merchant a.
Deer Park, Long Island, n. \ saw:
Il always recommend Chamberlain s
Pain Balm as the best !lnluent for
strains. used it last winter for a
severe lamenese in the side, result
ing from strain, and was greatly
pleased with the quick relief and
cure it Effected FOR sale BY }. T.
Kaufman.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23

TcachCr-.IOnnny, can you tell me
how iron was first discovered?
Johnny-ICs. sir.
information is on that point"
Il heard pa say Yesterday that they
smclt it."-Sparc Moments.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
Acting the Part.

"Since he married that rich girl 1 un-
derstand Dabsley leads dogs life"
81 expected as much"
"Yes; he does nothing but eat. lie
around the house and growl."-Phila-
delphia North American.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23

Erer notice that when you particu-
sSrIy Try to be entertaining you gos-
xiy, Klpre:-Atchison Globe.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
Mortgages.

DM il ever occur to you low much
3iaHaeF It is to lift i mortgage than it is
~ raise onc:-BoStOn Transcript.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
The Best Prescription fer Malaria

Chills, and Fever is bottle of
Groves Tasteless Chill Tonic. It is
simply iron and quinine in tasteless
from. No cure, no pay. Price soc.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23
a Matter For Wonder.

Pat-It do be tirribe how often we
hear az the death Nv ould frindS.
Mike-Yis, an We niver hear av the
birth av one at all. at all.-New York
Times.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23

L it is sin for a woman to glory
in her beauty it is beautiful sin
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23

Cholly-Aw-father, aW-how do yo'l
like my new hat, don't you know?
His Dad-Well. l think little more
brains and less hat would be more be-
coming.-Chicago American.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23

DeWE&t's Mitsh Satsi Salve
For Piles, Burns, Sores.
The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, 1902-07-23

Pierce's Favorite Prescrip-
ton is within her reach.
Many a woman has testi-
fed: II know I should
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06

Of the Missouri Pacific, at Concordia, Kan,
is making the rounds in Omaha.
]. o. Phillippi of the Missouri Pacific has
returned from an official trip to Chicago.
e. l.. Lomax, general passenger agent of
the Missouri Pacific, was at his Office yes
terday after a serious period of illness. He
was at his desk Thursday for the first time
since his sickness, and is able to continue
with his duties today,
General Manager Wallace of the Illinois
Central, and wife, were In Omaha a few
hours Thursday night, having come out
from Chicago on a special to meet one Of
MI. Wallace's brothers, who came in from
the west. The party returned to Chicago
together.
C. A. Vermillion, for many years chief
train dispatcher for the Missouri Pacific
at Omaha, yesterday assumed his new po-
sltion as superintendent for that road of its
western division at Atchison, Kan, taking
the place of Z. o. Man, who has left the
company's employ. .
All the lines c~onverging in Omaaa have
announced their midwinter or holiday ex-
cursion rates. Tickets will be on sale for
a fare of one and one-third from points
within a radius of 200 miles of selling points
December "a. 26, 81 and January !, and the
return limit Is placed at January 2.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06

T indicates trace OF precipitation.
- Indicates zero OF below zero.
l. A. WELSH.
Local Forecast OndciaL
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
Beneficiary society DissoIves.

The North Star Beneficiary society has
decided to quit business on account OF
trouble between the members. At the start
the society had seventy-fve members but
now 1t has only twenty-five. 1t is the I'M
d~erstanding that those left will meet on
December 16 and settle up affairs. ANY
claims against the society must be pre-
sented to J. A. Nelson, secretary, before the
date mentioned.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
Magic City Gossip.

The Rebekahs gave a social at Odd Eel
lows hall last night.
John Flynn Is confined TO his home with
a severe attack of rheumatism.
Patrick Rowley has gone south in hopes
that a change OF climate may benefit his
health.
John Dale will speak to men at the
Young Mems Christian association Sunday
afternoon.
DR.. W. S. White is billed to speak to boys
at the Young Mems Christian association at
2:S0 O'Clock Sunday afternoon.
Richard O'Keefe, county COMMISSIONS
from this district, has gone TO Excelsior
Springs, Mo, for a two weeks stay.
Magic City lodge No. 50, Fraternal Union
OF America, vii. hold it's annual election
tonight. All members are requested 10 be
present.
The remains of Edith Bradbury will be
brought from st. Joseph, Mo-, today and
will be Inferred at Laurel Hill cemetery on
Sunday.
Fred S. Goodman, one of the secretaries
of the international committee OF the Young
Mems Christian association, will be enter
tained by the local association this even
ing. There will be a banquet at $3.50 o'clock
and an address by Mr.. Goodman will fob
low.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
COULD ASKS FOR INJUNCTION
Seeks to Restrain Others From Voting His
Stock Next Wednesday.
FUEL AND IRON FIGHT is CONTINUED
Has Bought Many Shares without
Knowing Names of Sellers, Some Of
which May Not Have Been
Legally Transferred.

DENVER, Colo, Dec. 5.-The Times says:
1t is understood that George Gould will in
the next few days apply for an injunction TO
restrain people from voting stock at the
Colorado Fuel and Iron company next
Wednesday which is in their names, but
which in reality belong to, him. The in
junction will be applied for in New York.
1t is understood that GOULD has bought
considerable quantities Of Fuel and Iron
stock through brokers and has been unable
to find out who the former owners were.
Unless it was transferred before the clos
ing Of the books Gould cannot vote this
stock. On the contrary. II II is in the name
of the former owner on the transfer book
there is a possibility OF II being voted
even though the party is not the real
owner. This is what he seeks to prevent.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
SAGE GETS TITLE TO LAND
wins Case Because He Has Been I'm
PeaceabIe Possession More
Than Fifteen YeaPH.

ST. PAUL, Mimi, Dec. 5.-Russell Sage
has finally prevailed in one OF his many
actions brought to recover lands which
came into his possession as assignee OF the
land grant Of the Hastings & Dakota rail-
road In Minnesota.
In this case, wherein George C.. Glover IL
trying TO wrest a Swift county quarter from
the hnancier. Sage wins, because. while
several people have been located on the
land and have cultivated II at different
times, none ever before asserted title TO Il.
but conceded that It belonged to the rail-
road company.
Sage now retains the land by virture Of
having been In possession more than hf-
teen years.
The decision reverses the order Of the
Swift county district court Many thou
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
The Chiidren's Favorite.

One OF the greatest difficulties encoun-
tered when children are i'll is the objection
they have to taking medicine. The remedy
must be pleasant or the patience Of the par
ent is exhausted before It is successfully
administered Mr.. G. G. Wagner Of Spring
Grove, Pa, overcomes this annoyance by
using Chamberlain's Cough Remedy. He
says his little boy always asks for it when
ever he catches cold. This remedy has be-
come the children's favorite, as it is pleas
ant to take and it always cures and cures
quickly.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
Don't Cough AII EiEnt.

Restful sleep follows use of DR.. Kings
New Discovery, the best lung cure in tho
world. No cure. no pay. soc. 800. Fol
sale by Kuhn & Co.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06

before long he will start a livestock mar
ket paper to compete with the present
livestock journal.
City Authorities object.
City %oficials are complaining about the
heating apparatus at the city building. This
is an old story. Yesterday afternoon the
fireman left his post and remained away
for a number Of hours The steam was al
lowed to run down and the city Offices and
the armory were cold. The prisoners I'm
the Jail complained about the cold. but
nothing could be done, as the fireman could
not be found. although attempts were made
by the police to locate him.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
SNoWSLIDE KILLS MINERS
MeaEer Report of "a catastrophe
which Occurs In the Noun
tains of

BAKER CITY. ore. Dec. "a meager
report has Just reached this city OF an
immense snowslide which occurred at
Connucopia last night.
No details are obtainable save that two
miners were killed and an immense amount
OF damage done.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06

CATsKILL, N. Y, Dec. "a bad blizzard
struck the Catskill mountain region last
night. The win is blowing a sixty-mile
gale and trafic Is delayed.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
FORECAST OF THE WEATHER
Fair Today, but COIde in Most Parts,
and snow in Some To-
morrow.

WASHINGTON, Dec. 5.-Forecast:
For Nebraska-Fair Saturday, colder in
south portion; Sunday, increasing cloudi-
ness with snow in west portion.
For Iowa-Fair and colder Saturday; Sun
day fair.
For nlinois-Fair Saturday, except snow
and colder in north portion; Sunday fair;
fresh northwest winds.
For Missouri-Fai Saturday, colder In
northwest portion; Sunday fair.
For Montana-Snow Saturday and Sun
day.
For North and South Dakota-Fair Sat
urday and Sunday, except snow Sunday in
west portion.
For Kansas-Falr and colder Saturday;
Sunday, increasing cloudiness and probably
snow.
For wyoming-Fair Saturday, except
probably snow, colder In south portion;
Sunday fair.
For Colorado-Snow and colder Saturdays
Sunday fair, except probably snow in east
portion.
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
OvereOat Thieves Released.
Old Newspaper Man Quits.

Yesterday afternoon Denna Alberry. for
years prominent in the newspaper business
in South Omaha, quit the business by sell
ing all Of his stock In the Times Publishing
company. A notice to this eject was pub
lished In the times OF last night. Mr. AL
berry will. II lie understood, soon engage in
business here again. He formerly owned
the DroVers' Journal and Il IL reported that
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
Local Record.

OFFICE OF THE WEATHER BUREAU,
OMAHA, Dec. 5.-Oficial record of tenn
perature and precipitation compared with
the corresponding day Of the last three
years:
Omaha daily bee., 1902-12-06
BIIsuard in the Cat.kiIIs.

sands of acres have been involved in the
various suits.
Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1902-05-07
A THEOLOGICAL BRAND.

A farmers wife, writing for one of
the agricultural papers, commends the
use of the empty -four sacks as good
material for making summer under
wear for the children and gives direc-
tons for washing out the -four brand
on the cloth. We knew of case where
this was tried. The sack was branded
Lords Best" The goodwife did not
get good scald on this brand, and the
brand was still there. The mother and
child went to church, and the child,
kicking around, exposed the brand to
the view of the neighbors in the ad-
Joining pews. and not even the theolog-
ical nature of the brand or solemnity
of the place and occasion was able to
prevent good deal of snickering. This
lady has since used sacks as dishcloths.
Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1902-05-07
RIDGEwAY.

From our regular correspondent
May D., 1902.
Roy Anderson was Cresco visitor
Sunday.
Lieut.. Simonds, who has just return
ed from the Philippine Islands, ar
rived here Monday for visit with
his sister Mrs V. E. Hall. HI is &C.
companied by a little PHILIPPINE boy.
Rollin Baker and Miss Elsie Paley
left Thursday for Castalia to attend a
Sunday school convention. Miss
Elsie remained for an over Sunday
visit with friends while Rollin drove
to West Union for similar purpose.
w. !. Atkinson made business trip
to Nora Springs and Rockford Satur-
day.
Division A of the L. A. S. will
serve supper in the dining hall Thurs
day, May 8. Supper 10 cents.
Quite number of children around
town are sick with the measles.
Miss White of Cresco was in town
Sunday.
The L. A. S. has secured President
Guy p. Benton of Fayette, to give a
lecture here Friday evening, May 23rd.
He is fine speaker and should be
greeted with crowded house. His
subject will be, william Mckinley. "
Robt. Allen and John johnson have
quit the telephone gang and will seek
employment elsewhere.
7. r. Cole of of Fayette has been
elected principal of the schools here
for the coming year.
Hilmer Guttorneson is smashing
baggage" in the depot here.
Major Henderson, and son assisted
by local talent gave an entertainment
in the school house Thursday evening.
On account of the rain the crowd was
small. The Major is very clever
drummer.
Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1902-05-07


LOST-On the stage road between De.
| corah and Bluffton, Saturday, April
| 10Th, a fur collar Finder please
| leave at this Office. 17tf
LOST-A pocket book, containing a
considerable sum of money, in five
and ten dollar bills, on Thursday
April oath. Might have been lost
in DEBORAH or Bluffton township, OF
on the road. Finder leave at this
office, Go, and receive reward. 1Stt
FOR RENT-Reasonable terms, the
upper floor of the Grand opera
house. Inquire of the management.
Off
FOR RENT-A furnished room. In.
quire over Marsh's Grocery store P. 1.
FOR SALE-Good nine room house
on North ST., West DEBORAH summer
kitchen, woodshed, barn and buggy
shed, we'll and cistern, with four
lots. Will be sold cheap IF taken
soon. Inquire of Adam Wepler, SAC
North street, West DEBORAH. 19-1pd
FOR SALE-A buggy in good condi-
ton. Inquire of Chas. Trzcinski
1Stf
STRAYED-A two year old bronco
color chestnut; weight about 600
pounds, with halter. Finder please
return to or notify Fred Gross, De-
corah, and receive reward.
WANTED-At once a man to canvass
in the country with three lines of
saleable goods. Inquire at this
Office. Go
FOR SALE-Gentle family horse,
harness and buggy. For sale
cheap. Inquire of E. E. Auchmoody,
No. 400 Washington St., DEBORAH,
Iowa.
FOR SALE-Ten room house, with
Inquire of w. f. Baker, National
Bank. 14-1O
FOR SALE-Quantity first class lum-
Der, good as new, for sale at bar
gain. Inquire E. E. Auchmoody, No.
400 Washington ST., DEBORAH, Iowa
FOR SALE-Good saw mill, eighteen
horse power engine, with years
saving ahead. Cheap if taken soon.
Call at Lappen's store, Freeport. 13tf
FOR SALE-The very best of photo
graphs at Reynolds.
FOR SALE-Good new ten room
house with furnace heat, barn and
patch of land, for sale reasonably.
Inquire II /, this Office. 8-13
FOR SALE-Three young registered
Red Polled bulls. Geo. A. Pfister,
DEBORAH, r. F. D., No. 4. 6tf
Neutrality-suspicious. to order suits
from Meuser Tailored garments,
ready made" prices. 12tf
WANTED-10,000 babies to be photo
graphed at Reynolds.
Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1902-05-07
49,
Additional Correspondence.
BURR OAK.

Il =. - ~ ts
| (f'rom our regular correspondent
May 6, 1902.
Plenty of main, but just what we
need.
Clark Manning and family of Satire
spent Sunday at b. Wards.
Mrs. z. Landon is visiting her daug-
liter Mrs. Pollitt near Cresco.
Geo. Gold of DEBORAH is seen fire.
quently on our streets of late.
Mr.. and Mrs. Pierce of Waukon is
spending week among her friends
and relatives here.
| Miss Gertie Bandle who has been
spending week with her mother
returned to DEBORAH yesterday.
Mr.. Gliddon, former Burr Oak boy
but now of Milwaukee, with his wife,
passed through here last week.
G. A. Peacock is home again and
sorry to relate he is much worse.
Several belonging to the order of l.
o. o. F. went to the Odd Fellows en-
campment at DEBORAH Thursday even
ing. sg
Arthur Smith entertained company
of young people Monday evening in
honor of his 10Th birthday
Last "Wednesday occurred the mar
iage of Miss Carrie Brode and Mr.. w.
Manning of Mabel, where they will
make their future home
Miss Nettie Webster of DEBORAH has
again resumed her music class here
Willie and Vera Reed entertained
company of little folks Saturday
afternoon in honor of their birth an
niversaries
Mrs. Ed. Sharp and Misses Edna and
Donna of Canton spent couple of
days at E. d. Weldons last week.
The farmers of Bethel are busy con-
structing telephone lines.
DIR. Emmons, with Master Theodore
went to Waterloo Saturday for few
days visit at the home of 1. Cass's.
Mrs. Emmons will accompany them
home.
Mr.. and Mrs. Albert Van vliet were
shopping in DEBORAH Saturday.
Mrs. Geo. Decker is spending few
days with her sister Mrs Baker near
DEBORAH.
Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1902-05-07
mnrrriTr a TTriiiIrrrintosstl doMpAN1Es,

The Farmers Mutual Telephone COM
pany is being. organized all through the
west and northwest. Ten patrons will
do and twenty are enough for such an
enterprise. Such a service will cost
about $50 per patron to install the line
complete, and this expense may be still
further reduced where the farmers can
furnish their own poles and do the
work Of building the line themselves.
Such q system is of course not a COM
plete one unless the line is connected
with some central station which will
put the patrons in touch with those of
other lines, which is usually done
wherever practicable. The cost Of
maintenance is small, about the only
damage to be feared being from sleet-
storms and lightning.