Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1902-09-14
A GEM o. RHETORIC,
THE lDLER MIGHT PAVE Pro
DICED TT DUT DIDN'T.
!. PAP D0NABLE DELINQUENc Y.
He was Far from Extends AMI

He was Far from Friend. AMI
wbf.key-Torn by Conflicting
Emotions He Showed DR.. Jekyl
and ME-. Hyde characteristics.
After several1 days of most strenuous.
not to say exciting investigation, am
convinced that TIE country is not the pro-
per place in which to have the toothache.
Ny recent vacation. which is now as
hopelessly a thing of the past as the
money spent in 1850, has strengthened
my conviction along this line.
AS everybody residing on Penitentiary
Terrace knows, we spent that vacation
in Spotsylvania. BY 1--WE" mean the
Commander Chief, a few pinafored In
stalments of our little covey of property
destroyers, the canary bird, and the
three huge rubber plants which am
forced to take with me whenever we
travel. 7 was far from whiskey and
friends And absence made the heart
grow fonder-of my friends, I mean.
But all would have gone as merrily as
Byron alleges that marriage bells go,
had not the neuralgia opened up a land
office business on the starboard side Of
my jaw.
Now any one who has the neuralgia
and I find hundreds Of people who de-
light in claiming to suffer from this
trouble-will tell you that it is the most
exclusive malady in the world. That is
to say, it will start up on one side Of
your face and never for a second go out
of its bailiwick. It will keep within its
jurisdiction as conscientiously as a sheriff
STRIVING legal process and nothing-no,
not even whiskey-can induce it to
change it's base Of operations. For in
stance, my neuralgia settled on the right
side of my physiogomy and radiated from
that point all the way down to my eos
calcis," which for the benefit of ignorant
people, TIL say is my heelbore. If
chalk line had been run from my CORFU
gated brow downwards to the earth, the
neuralgia couldn't have observed its ter
ritorial limits any more scrupulously.
The consequence Of this curious bifur-
cation of my personality was most re-
markable The left side of me-the
healthy side, If you please, was as merry
as lark and as chirpy as a cricket.
whereas my right side was all wrong.
My very appetite was split in half l was
a sort cf Siamese twins combination ali
in one, gay or sad, according to the way
you approached me. My red right eye.
under the influence Of the pain, reminded
me of a sore cocoanut rolling loosely In
white hot socket and that side of my
cheekbone felt as if it had been mashed in
with an axe, and filled with tobasco
sauce. And as for my teeth, why, on the
! right side I fancied I had the dental
equipment of an alligator and every
tarnaton grinder was a-jumping and ca
vorting around like an animated paper Of
pins charged with electricity. Whew!
it was dangerous to approach me from
that side! was like a human dynamite
cartridge! .rs.
My better half-not the woman I feed,
but the normal portion of my anatomy
was as sweet and pure as q young theo-
logical student. My left cheek was as
chubby as a Brownies, and sunshine
beamed from an eye the color of Hea-
ven's own blue. AS for my strong, sound
teeth, they were constantly singing, LET
US then be up and doing''-a suggestion
attributable to the presence Of much fried
chicken on the premises To make a long
and fascinating story short, was like
the hero in the novel; I was torn by
conflicting emotions. Hunger ana nausea
fought for supremacy. The impulse to
carol like bird was superseded by
desire to roar like a frenzied lion; the
landscape delighted my left eye and In
suited my right one; the chirping Of the
insects was rhythmic music to one half
Of me and agonizing discord to the other
half; I felt like kissing the baby and
Draining my fourth-born-like giving the
Commander-in-Chief a seal-skin sacque
one minute and then getting divorce
from her the text. One moment the cool,
sweet country air. like a delicious Whit
from Natures potpourri jar. irresistibly
coaxed me outdoors, and the next I
could be FONDA veritable Sitting Bull
squatted down near my bed, all wrapped
in blanket, and with my disabled cheek
resting confidingly against hot flat-iron.
The good-and now realize, much wor-
ried-people on the place didn't know
what to do with me. The DR.. Jekyl and
Mr. Hyde phases of my character
astounded them. AS for the children,
they approached me with the same eau
ton that they exhibit when nearing
cannon cracker which has its fuse ig
nited. Even the ingenuity Of the Com
mander-in-Chief forsook her. She said she
didn't know whether she had saint or
a maniac on her hands, but inclined to the
belief that she was dealing with q. ma
MAC.
The period during which I alternated
between Heaven and hell, and intermit-
tently frothed over with nirth, or seethed
with indignation. brought much informa-
ton to me- It convinced me that there
are no less than ten thousand legally au-
$thorized neuralgia remedies which don't
remedy. took pellets and pills and tab
lets and powders and liquids until I
boiled and dubbed internally like the
Great Geyser in Yellowstone Park. l
didn't know when I was going off into
spont aneous combustion. and L didn't
care-leastwise the afflicted half Of me
didn't.
And then. to add to my troubles, there
was another contingent who believed in
local treatment. These were the hot stuff
folks-the folks who told me to keep good
and warm, an Injunction which couldn't
possibly have disregarded had I wanted
ofor% tod