The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-12-04
HE Will TIPPLE NO MORE.
Why Nathan Beeswax Joined the To
tai Abstinence Brigade.


Fellow citizens. I'm sick said Ma
n Beeswax to a circle of admirers.
as recorded by the Charleston News and
Courier There was too much refresh
ment circulating last evening. 1 be-
gan with beer. shifted to Old Pepper.
finally worked my way round to
Mumm's extra dry and then went off in
a trance When 1 woke up this morn
ing ! thought 1 was somebody else. [
caught a glimpse of my r~efiexiOn in a
mirror and my face frightened me- so I
screamed You can't imagine how 1
felt. because 1 broke the record Of
misery. Nc man ever did feel like / did
and live 1 reached for the ice water
pitcher and took a gulp. For a minute
| thought 1 was in heaven. That water
tasted like ambrosia and nectar.
thirsty Don't ask me trivial questions.
The temperature in my system was so
high that my breath set my moustache
on fire 1t was completely destroyed.
No Insurance. l made four efforts to
get out of bed before I realized the
fatuous futiIity of essaying the i-npos-
sibility. L moaned in my agony. 1 vas
hot n minute and cold the next, while
a cIammy and continuous Precipitation
interest and enjoyment to the
proceedings. Every little while strange
rigors would seize me and when I
hnaliy dropped into a fitful slumber I
dreamed that an alligator was lying
beside me and tanning me with his
long tongue. Nightmare? No, sir;
this was an alligator. HolIer? Why,
III bet four dollars they heard me yell
ing on Edisto island. Now harken to
me; Nathan Beeswax, as a OOz ON
edlan. IS no more. I've joined the
Apollinaris brigade. Are you on?"
How did yOu happen to accumulate
such a riOtous jag, Mr.. Beeswax?'
asked one of his auditors.
We'll, the material was available. my
boy, and the time somehow seemed to
be opportune. I had been unhappy for
several weeks and I yearned for the
company of q few froIicking sensa-
tons. I wanted to feel glad. as it were.
and forget about a bet 1 made on a
horse last week that stopped in the
stretch and asked for water. I opened
the performance with beer, but l soon
came to the conclusion that if 1 wanted
to experience that joy which passeth all
understanding 1 would have to switch.
50 L chased a. whisper across the bar
and a bottle of crimson fluid connected
with my good right hand. That vas
the beginning of the end. Ere long I
was too merry for anything. My money
also began to annoy me. I couldn't
spend it fast enough and when I met
a stranger from Noun Pleasant I
asked him if he would allow me to give
him SO. He said he would Oblige me
with pleasure, but he'd like me better
if I'd make it $50. I was now at the
champagne stage Of the game and the
rapids were just below me. I vaguely
remembered meeting a longshoreman
and asking him who his favorite poet
was. but / can't recall what he said.
Shortly afterward the automatic piano
began TO play The Holy City and When
the instrument reached hat Je-ru-sa-
lem note my soul slipped out of IT'S
socket and 1 passed away. But this
morning-don't worry, I Won't go over
it again. Hereafter address your let
tiers to me in care of the Total Abstain
ers' society. Are you on? Then break
away"