The Savannah morning news., 1902-09-16
Imaginary warfare.

What Is all this In the papers about
the country having a WARP" asked Mrs.
Tellit, who had been so busy with
| fruit-canning that she had been skip
ping everything except the bargain ad-
vertisements, and had not looked at the
news columns for two weeks.
There isn't any war;" said Mr.. Tell
1t, according to the Baltimore Ameri-
| can.
But it says that the enemy was
sighted of the Long island coast, and
that the forts opened with a heavy
bombardment. and the May1ower was
blown up by a mine, and that the CAM
nonading was terrific
Il know. but that's all imaginary
Imaginary? Why, John Henry Iellit
it says here just as plain as plain can
be that three battleships were sunk
and others put out of action, and two
forts RACED to the ground. and
Now, don't get off your feet. l tell
you it's only imaginary. It's simply a
practice game for the benefit of the
Army and Navy"
"A practice gamer" echoed Mrs.
Tellit. What for?"
We'll, the Army has new uniforms
and the Navy has new guns, ana some
thing had to be done''
And do they really FIRE the guns at
one another?"
yes. Did you think they were DO
ing it by absent treatment
But it is cruel; why, ii is simple
murder"
my dear" snorted Mr.. Tellit. in his
most crushing tones, 81 presume it is
necessary for me to explain to you
that an imaginary war, such as is be-
ing conducted, is like a woman dress
ing for a dance at a summer resort
where there is no dancing Goor. 1t is
all powder and no ball.
''Oh, then they don't really shoot one
another?"
Not in hundred years. My dear,
not in a hundred years..
Nor the shi3s?"
mo. Nor the chutes."
But how can they tell which side
wins"
All Now you're coming 10 the
beautiful part of the work. You must
know that a theoretical war or man
euver, as it is technically termed, is
fought by logic and logarithms. For
instance, we know that Il certain ship
has certain number of big guns, not
including the officers, and certain
number of smaller guns, and that these
guns will be in a given time at a given
distance land a given number of hots
in given space. Now, further. if this
given space be occupied Ivy another
ship or fort. with another given
number of big and little guns, which
can do certain things with shot and
shell themselves, it becomes necessary
to decide what would be the result had
the two ships or the fort and the ship
been firing shot instead OF smoke at
each other. The ship sails in and cuts
loose with her guns, ana the score
keeper sits on the bridge and tallies
the shots, and at a certain point he
presses the button and signals the crew
that 1t is all over. for he has reached
an answer of 1896, which is ten more
than the count"
well, but
Isn't it plain?"
mot quite
"A ship, we will say, is ten mites off
shore, and has the range of fort. One
shell from the ship will wreck one-half
the fort. Then, if she shoots ten shells.
imaginarily, at the fort, and plays a
whole broadside Of small arms at the
fort at the same time, logically she
has s1lenced the fort and about fifteen
others just like it, hasn't she?"
Yes, but what is the fort doing all
this time?''
"Shcoting at the ship. Another
Official scorekeeper is on the parapet.
~AiA aiS hSSpS ldD On the SROIS, ana IN
about three minutes he figures 1t out
that the fort has strewn the Atlantic
Ocean with armor- plate. mizzenmasts
and heroes, and sent all the guns in the
Navy to the bottom"
But they don't seem to stop firing
when they are sunk"
Why, no. That's the fun of this
kind of a war. It's like a Donnybrook
fair-you never know when you are
licked, and the other fellow does MT
bother about finding out until next
day
Well, it is ali very queer to me-"
There's nothing queer about it, It's
as plain as day. All they need is a
barrel of powder end book of logari-
thins to make Lord Nelson and Dewey
and Schley look like a bunch Of fer
rymen."
"Still, an imaginary war does not
| produce any heroes"
That's the best part of it." asserted
Mr.. Tellit preparing to resume reading
his paper. That's the best part of it,
After an imaginary war nobody is go
ing to be missed, kissed or Kissed"
Josh Wink