davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
BREvITIES OF FUN.

Unlucky People.-"I am a firm be-
lever in luck. Why. some people are
so lucky that were they to travel back.
ward they would stub theirtoe. San
Francisco Bulletin.
Husband (hurriedly) 49, Tntelli-
gence has just reached me" Wife
Ginning in)-"Thank goodness! it
has come at lastY' (Then there was
silence. )-London Tit-Bits.
doctor, a friend of mine has as
sured me that sucking lemons will
prevent seasickness. Is that true"
"Oh, yes provided you sit in the shade
of tall tree while you do it. Phil
adelphia Press.
Landlady (who has been looking for
the bOarder's umbrella)-"Tm salts
fed, Mr. Blake, that it has been
stolen" The Boarder-"You may be
satisfied, Mrs. flasher, but I'll be
bowed if | am. Glasgow Times.
"Why, l was putting my shoe on
and a snake slipped out Of it" she
cried. "Only one?" said the professor.
"Why, there should have been three.
| put them there last night to keep
them warm. Louisville Courier
journal.
my Seat, Madam."-'1 wonder
who it was who first said: 'Younever
lose anything by politenessY" Il
don't know. Why?" ooh, nothing,
except that it's plain he never rode in
a street car with crowd of women"
Standard.
Mrs. Jones-"Just think Of it'll
That fellow came in and actually stole
the clock right off the mantelpiece."
Mrs. Brown-"And your dog was in
the very same room?" Mrs. Jones
eyes, but that didn't count. Fido is
only watch dog, you know. Dos
ton Transcript
A Cruel Jest.-Mrs. Gaussip-'I
understand from Mrs. jockey that your
doctor has been guilty of conduct un-
becoming gentleman" Mrs. Meek
ley-"Oh, yes" Mrs. Gaussip-
"For goodnes' sake! How, When"
Mrs. Meeekly-"Oh, constantly. My
doctors lady."-Philadelphia Press.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
WORRY FATAL TO SONG.
Mime. Eames Says Peace of Mind Is
Necessary to Success.

81 know how to relax my nerves and
have learned to enjoy the present"
recently declared Nine. Eames. 81
always used to strain myself toward
the future like a race horse, but now |
know better, for was not doing as
well as | might
"For an hour after luncheon | lie
perfectly flat in a darkened room and
empty my brain. If | am to sing that
day take two hours in the dark room,
for, you see, l need more quiet.
Il never eat dinner; | couldn't sing
i'll did. live absolutely by rule. My
body is an instrument, and when it is
not in good condition cannot do any
thing at all.
Il live for my work, and have
learned just how to keep myself feel
ing at best. Chicago Record-He
old
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
WAS A SHERLOCK HOLMES.
Skill of Washington Detective Amazed
Woman Who Had Been Robbed.

About the time that considerable
attention was being paid to the story
of "Sherlock Holmes" a member of
Capt. Boardman's corps did piece Of
detective work which caused the be-
lief on the part of a woman that he
had been endowed with remarkable
detective ability. He had been told to
call on Mrs. -, says the Washington
Star, and when he reached the house
he was invited into the dining-room.
care youa detective?" he was asked
by the woman who had been robbed.
81 am was the sleuth's response.
"Have you been robbed of a clOck?"
he inquired, noting the absence of
timepiece from the mantel and at the
same time seeing the outline of a clock
in the dust.
GLOW did you know l had lost a
clock?' was the woman's anxious in
quiry.
'Only that I'm detective" he an
swered, "and that's part of the bust
ness"
Then he indicated the lines of the
clock on piece ofpaper and conclud-
ed by giving description ofthe orna-
ment that was on the timepiece.
chats remarkable" the woman
said, "simply remarkable"
Having been so successful, the de-
tective thought he would venture a
little farther, and he assured the
woman that in "a hours he would re-
cover the stolen property. Succeed
ing in this, he made the further pre-
diction that two days later he would
have the thief This he also accom-
plished, and when he had finished
with the case the woman was anxious
to know how he had worked so sue
cessfully.
"It'sa secret of the profession" was
all the detective would tell her, and
the woman has never been told how
the detective was able to accomplish
so much.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
THE SENSE OF HUMOR.
Has a Practical Value as Material Els
ment of Success.


am strongly Of the opinion chat
quick and abiding sense Of humoris
a great element of success in very
department Of life. says Justin Nc
earthly, in Success. | do not speak
merely of success in the more strictly
artistic fields of human work, but am
ready to maintain that, even in tie
prosaic and practical concerns of hui
man existence, the sense of humOr is
an melting and sustaining influence
to carry a man successfully through
to the full development of his capaci-
ty and the attainment of his purpose.
1t is so in the art of war-it is espe-
cially so in the business of statesman
ship. Mortal life, at the best, is SO
full of perplexities, Disappointment
and reverses that it must be hard work
indeed for man who is endowed with
little or no sense of humor to keep
his spirits up through seasons of diff
Guilty and depression and maintain his
energy-living despite the disheart-
ening effects of commonplace and pro-
sale discouragements. A man who is
easily disheartened does not appear to
be destined by nature for the overcom-
ing of difficulties, and nothing is
happier incentive to the maintenance
of good animal spirits than the quick
sense of humor which finds something
to make a Jest of even in conditions
which bring but a sinking of the heart
to the less fortunately endowed NOR
tai. In the stories of great events and
great enterprises we are constantly
told of some heaven-born leader who
kept alive, through the most trying
hours of what otherwise might have
been utter and enfeebling depression,
the energies, the courage and the hope
of his comrades and his followers. One
can hardly read the story of any es-
cape from shipwreck, any drifting
about in an open boat over wintry seas,
without learning of some plucky and
humorous mortal who kept his COM
rades alive and alert through all dan
gers and troubles by his ready humor
and animal spirits. Read any account
of long-protracted siege, when the
besieged had to resist assault from
without and hunger within, and you
will be sure to be told how the humor-
Gus Sallies of some leader were able
to prevent those around him from
sinking into the depths of despair.
There are times when no good what
ever is done by taking even the most
serious things too seriously, and sud
den flash of humor often lightens up
the atmosphere as the blast of a trum-
pet might give new spirits and new en-
ergy amid the deepening gloom of
some almost desperate day.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
THE SULTAN OF TURKEY.
Abdul Hamid H., His Personality and
the Position He Occupies.


The sultan ofTurkey isperhaps the
most interesting personality among
the sovereigns of the world, says W
f. Curtis, in the Chicago Record-Her-
aid, both for what he is and for what
he represents. combining as he does
the functions of any emperor over a
semibarbarous and turbulent people,
and being the spiritual head of one Of
the most numerous religious bodies
He is the ecclesiastical successor Of
Nohammed. head Of the Moslem
church and Of the house of Ishmael,
the son Of Abraham. and in his per-
son il supposed TO receive and enjoy
the blessings which God promised to
Hagar
That is one of the most dramaticin-
cidents in Biblical history when, in
obedience to the jealousy Of Sarah, his
wife, abraham rose up early in the
morning and took bread and bottle
Of water and gave it TO Hagar, putting
it on her shoulders. and the child, and
sent her away, and she departed and
wandered in the wilderness Of Beer
sheba." And after the water was spent
in the bottle and she had cast the
child under one Of the shrubs, and
lifted up her voice and wept, ''The an
gel of God called to Hagar out of
Heaven, and said unto her: Arise,
lift up the lad and hold him in thine
hands, for | Will make him a great
nation
The Moslem world believes that
Abraham was the founder Of Mecca !;
that Ishmael was their ancestor and
that they have inherited the religion
Of Abraham with its promises and
blessings and characteristic traits as
cribed to Ishmael. Their hand has
been against every man, and every
mans hand has been against them,
and still they defy all other nations.
whether pagan or Christian. Padi-
shah father Of all the sovereigns Of
the EARTH is the official title of the
sultan, and is used exclusively by the
Turks in official communications. He
is also styled Imam-ul-muslemin
(pontiff of Mussulmans), Alem Penah
(refuge of the world), Zil-ullah (shad-
ow God), Hunkiar (the slayer of inf
dels), and has several other honorary
titles. He controls the Mohamme-
dan subjects of all nations, and if he
should go to a little mosque at the
seraglio and unfurl the green banner
which was carried by Mohammed and
declare a holy war, the sons of Ishmael
in every part of the earth-in India,
Africa, China, the East Indies and the
islands of the sca-would be required
by their religion to sustain him and
obey his orders, regardless Of their al
legiance to their own civil authorities.
Abdul Hamid H., the present sul-
tan, who will be 60 years old in Sep
TENDER, is said to be a great coward
who dare not leave his country palace
and show himself in his own capital.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
Short Names for Vessels.

THE Ea," reports the Philadelphia
Record, sis said to have the shortest
name for vessel in the world. She is
Spanish steamer, and she reached
Philadelphia laden with iron ore last
week, after a voyage so rough that
three of her sailors were incapacitated
by seasickness, The Ia was named by
a Spanish nobleman after his daugh-
ter, Esmeradla. She belongs to a line
that has set, in the matter of short
names, an example that other lines
are beginning to follow. The Eolo
the Arc and the ORA are sister ships
of hers. In all the fleet these il no.
name that is more tb-t f'erS
loooO
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
What Are You Doing
for Your Country?
BY DR.. MORGAN DIX,
Rector Of the Old Trinity Church. New York


ADVANCEMENT BY DISCHARGING YOUR DUTIES, PUB
Lie AND PRlVATEl Do stand your personality Tor
all those qualifications that will increase influence for good
YOU like many of its citizens, Indifferent?
You do much if willing to let others
make your country great while you by unconcened
dead weight
II you anxious really DO something you might fight
three enemies that opposed absolutely the public peace Of
your country These IGNORANCE Discomfort and DIS
ORDER you will find them THRIVING in your
nifty.
There will always be those whom it impossible instruct,
and those whom nothing will satisfy These take riot and rebel
naturally duck takes These the dangerous
of whom the State beware il values its life.
There will always be persons who be made that
social equality impossible condition in this imperfect world
and that effort succeed for the that
born equal that they born unequal physically intel
icctuay, and that this incradable inequality
bear its fruit social inequality which will last until the world
and human be made and the which bring
have been removed forever.
There will always be persons who honestly think
the poor be supplied by pnderng rich making
distribution OF the spoil capita and that by that ingenious proc
poverty be abolished who comprehend simple
that such pundeng and distributing would lasting
labor live without capital keep it
from starvation and death
There will always be ready for the neaous work
sowing the seeds of discomfort the and stirring
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
Thrifty People.

The lord mayor of Sheffield, Eng
land, at the recent annual meeting of
the Sheffield savings bank, said not
ten per cent of the large wage earners
saved a farthing, and when bad trade
came and the soup kitchens were
started they were generally the first
to apply for assistance. 1t was the
people whogot from five to six dollars
a week who showed a thrifty spirit.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
A BLIND MECHANIC.
who Puts Machines Together by the
Sense Of Touch

Sense Of Touch.
That blind man should set up an
agency for agricultural machinery and
manage it; that he should become an
expert in the handling Of such ma
ohincry, know how to put 1t together
and tear 1t apart, how TO locate faults
IN it and how to right them, Is almost
incredible
Nevertheless these are the achieve
ments Of John 5. Wenger. who for 43
years has lived in East Far township,
Pa, says the New York World.
His general store at Weayerland as
a businesy,center for thickly settled
rural community.
The shop in which he occasionally
works at carpentering or broom'mak-
ing is the resort Of the curious.
His warehouse, wherein are stored
scores Of machines Of all the sorts in
demand by up-to-Gate farmers, is Wis
tied by tillers of the soil from far
and near, and it is the blind propr-
etor himself who waits upon them,
explains the machines, points out
their advantages, shows how TO OPP
crate them.
One of WengeTs eyes was weak from
infancy; at the age Of II he had to
quit going to school, because the other
became weak also. Agar or two later
he became totally blind.
He had always been fond Of tools,
so he first became carpenter and
joiner; then he took to the industry
of broom making. Besides this he
opened little store and sold peanuts,
cakes and candies to the school chill
dren and to the young fellows who
liked to lounge about such places of
an evening. His store and shop lay
some distance from his home and the
path led to a narrow footbridge, with
out guard rails, that spans stream.
He walked it unguided.
When Mr.. Wenger reached the age
of 20 his father removed to farm
several miles distant, The blind man
soon learned to know it as well as he
knew the old home. He bought some
land near by and put up the building
in which for more than quarter cen
tury he has run a general store and
his broom factory. Close by he put
up a warehouse for agricultural ma
chinery and embarked on a large
scale in the handling Of such stock.
Machines come from the factory
"knocked down.. e., dismembered
and packed in crates and boxes. Mr..
Wenger unpacks them and puts them
together
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
THIEVES LIKE THE POLICE.
At Least Such Is the Case as Reported
in England.

CONTRARY to what you might ex-
pect." said a veteran of the detective
force, "the professional criminal has
not that animosity toward the police,
and particularly toward the detective
service, which their natural antag-
onism Of interests might be supposed
to create. The professional thief re-
CARDS his occupation as a legitimate
business and ours as another. He
takes a tolerant and philosophical
view of the matter if the opposing in
terests clash.
MANY a criminal run down and
captured by relentless pursuit has
lightened the monotony Of a long rail-
road journey for detective who has
caught him hundreds of miles away
from the scene of his crime and is tax
ing him home. If hehas been caught
before by the same man, even though
it was years ago, he is likely to treat
his captor as an old acquaintance, if
not friend. 1t is TO the detectives that
the professionals go when they want
little favor done, railroad fare or
little money to help them through
period of erty."-London An
cWapc
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24

When a farmer comes TO buy piece
Of machinery of him he takes hin
out to his warehouse, leads him &c
the spot in which that particular ma
chine is found, shows him how to OPP
crate il and exhibits its advantages
tells him how to take care Of it and
explains the points in which it differs
from like machines made by other
manufacturers. II a machine is i'm.
properly put together he can tell what
Is wrong.
A messenger came to him in haste
one day last summer during haymak-
ing time. Pop wants you to come
along with me over to our place. il
you have time," Said he, "and tell us
what's wrong with our mower. He
got a new one last week, and it's out
in the field, but won't work"
The blind man went along with the
boy. He was taken to the meadow
where the hands who were to help in
gathering the hay crop stood idle be-
cause the new mower wouldn't work
The blind man was in his element
at once. He walked all around the
machine and looked at it with his ter
wonderful eyes-his fingers. He stud.
led all the parts. "Drive on a few
steps" he said to the man who held
the horses. Let me see how it goes. -
stop he commanded after a
few steps had been taken. Get me a
wrench. Here's wheel that is turned
face inward. Let me examine it,"
He did so, took off the wheel, turned
it face about and the defect was rem
edied.
81 don't like the location of that
telephone" said Mr.. Wenger's broth
err, Postmaster David +. Wenger. the
other day. ITS too unhandy out there
in the broom room. Wrought to have
it here in the store" "All right" said
John. 'I'll have it moved. guess |
can do it myself"
Next night he set about it, getting
to work after midnight, so as to offer
no interference 10 telephone calls.
Working alone, he cut the wires,
moved the apparatus to the other
room, set it in the desired place, then
went out and put up ladder, spliced
the wires to the pieces necessary to
make them long enough to reach the
new point Of entrance, brought them
around and made the proper connec-
ton and had all ready for business at
four a. m.
II am contented with my lot p he
says,
Vanity and impudence are twin sis
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
The Worlds Biggest Frog.

Among large frogs Canada probably
has the honor of owning the largest.
1t was grown on a small farm, Killar-
ney, five miles from Fredericton, N,
b. Just before its death it was
weighed, and found to tip the scale at
AS pounds. Its length was 30 inches
and height IS inches. 1t measured
ii inches across the back. Now,
stuffed and mounted, it forms an ex-
hibit of which the locality is proud.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24

them to jealousy, envy and hatred, passions
which never yet gave comfort, but act as
tormentors OF the breast that harborS
them within it, Such are the forces that
do battle always and everywhere against
domestic peace If these should prevail
over sound judgment, respect for law, alb
horrence OF internal discussion and love
OF orderly behavior and iraternal consid-
Grafton the state must perish.
Think these things over young man.
Make up your mind to fight these three
enemies OF your country whenever and
wherever they appear Then you will be
actively engaged in the work of keeping
your country great
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
China Needs Help
and Justice ~ ~
BY LOCK WING.
Chinese Viee-consul al New York.

both are founded ignorance and prejudice
AMERICA SHOULD NOT FORCE FROM CHINA THAT
WHICH SHE IS NOT WILLING TO ACCORD TO CHINA
China needs your help for its progress and believe that by
lending the helping hand you will be doing Christian service help
ing people become Ignorance
and prejudice give time between the United States
China justice be the
which shall guide this nation look with iavoH upon all that is
good in the development of my country.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
An Exasperating Person.

The most exasperating person in
the world is the one who gives you
the feeling that you would like to get
behind and push him.-Atchison
Globe.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24
The Witnesses Who Lie.

When a man has suit in court, he
always believes that the witnesses on
the other side swear to one lie after
another.-Atchison Globe.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24

assist in forcing open the doors OF
China to the trade of the world
and insist that Americans, Euro
peans and everyone else who
comes may have entrance. The
Boxer movement was bad, but it
is no worse than the Chinese eX-
clusion policy of this country f;
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24

Vanity and impudence are twin SIS
ters.-Chicago Daily News.
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24

for YOU. young man, and now is
give them your attention.
As an American you are
proud of your country, OF course.
You are glad to see it in the van
OF the world.
NOW WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TO ADVANCE TIP
ARE YOU CONTRIBUTE
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24

The American public condemn the Boxer movement in China
because of they pronounce Chinese people babaran they
Crittenden press. [volume] (Marion, Ky.) 1879-1907, 1902-04-24

Never cplls kselsNe may be
SsI,s S sasag engage
West Virginia daily oil review. [volume] (Sistersville, W. Va.) 1894-1902, 1902-03-04

Two towboats passed up last
evening the first boats up since the
cold snap and Good.
The man who makes his living
by holding Office makes a mistake
when he proceeds to get gay.
The people of Rome, Ca, have
voted in favor of a dispensary; and
the town Is beginning to howl:
The mail carriers are having a
long vacation. They will pay up
for 1t as soon as trains get to run.
ming.
Incidentallo,' President Roosevelt
should express his opini On of the
Navy departments selection of a
historian.
Admiral Schley will continue to
get the administration boot as long
as the Navy department has the
Executive ear.
One of the lines of Paderewski's
opera declares Springs voices
shout within me-" Paddy should
try spring tonic.
In the meantime Admiral Hig-
ginson will keep his eye on that
portion of the German fleet In
Venezuelan waters.
The river Is falling very slow.
From II o'clock yesterday until 7
o'clock this morning the total fall
was only IS inches.
Buffalo thieves stole IS bottles
of perfume the other night and the
sleuths of the Pan-American city
are hot on the scent.
For the latest style fabrics for
this coming season you should see
the lines shown by E. Stewart &
Co. Read their new change of ad.
England is to put up 100000. :
900 for her army and navy for the
next year. In addition to this she
Is putting up with some very un-
desirable results.
Mr.. Addicks has purchased a
Delaware railroad. But man may
own railroad across the entire
State of Delaware without getting
into the octopus class.
From reading the presidents
memorandum, is reasonable to In
fer that had he been on board the
Brooklyn, In Santiago harbor, on
that memorable July morning, In
stead of making loop he would
have jumped overheard, with a
dagger In his teeth, swan to the
Spanish fleet and scuttled The
whole outfit. =