Northern Wisconsin advertiser. [volume] (Wabeno, Wis.) 1898-1925, 1902-03-20
HOW TO BE A DOCTOR.
Lesson from the Modern Correspond
ence School.

ence School.
Il is quite easy to be doctor Ii you
only follow carefully the instructions
given below. After candidates for the
degree of NJ. D. send US an affidavit
that they have read carefully the les
sens we give leading up TO this de-
gree, we VII at once ship them their
diploma printed in eighteen colors on
tenor drum parchment, sealed with a
green seal, and tied in blue ribbon.
The answers to these lessons must
come carefully wrapped in ten dollar
bills and addressed to Merry Andrew.
We cannot confidently assert that our
diplomas will always be accepted by
coroner's juries, but it may help some.
The first step to be taken by young
men in order to be doctors is to raise
whiskers and to cultivate a bald head.
Many bright young man, fresh from
college and full of theory on the prac-
tice of medicine, has been ignomin-
iously turned down by the community
into which he found his way because
of his youthful appearance. Just as
J. Caesar, deceased, liked to have only
people around him that were fat. so
do people like to have their doctors
bald and whiskered So our first in
struction, which we shall insist upon
as being absolutely necessary to a de-
gree, is that young men candidates for
our degree must be long on whiskers
and short on hair.
Learn to make bread pills Take
ordinary bread and moisten with wat
er and roll into neat pills. In case
you cannot diagnose a disease, do not,
under any circumstances, say so. Or
if man isn't really sick, but just
thinks he is. don't ever say so. He
would merely set you down for an ig-
noramous and hunt some other doctor.
Just look wise. hem and haw five
times, and then say that it is a SER
ious case, and leave box of bread
pills.
If you cannot ascribe any other
cause for one of your patients dying,
set it down as heart failure. That's
a cinch.
After you have begun practice. at
tend the theaters, lectures, and the
like. Take seat right down in the
middle OF the room. Here man for
half dollar to rush frantically into
the hall after the performance has
well begun and gasp out
rs DR.. Killum in the audience? If
he is. he is wanted at once at the
door"
This will be your cue to stand up
and start all the audience to whisper
ing:
Yes. that's him. That's DR.. Kill
lum,''
Then you go and take your nessen-
ger across the street and pay him
half dollar. In about an hour you
can return, but in about ten minutes
you should have another messenger
dash in. This will give the idea that
you are enjoying a large and ncra-
tive practice.
Cultivate spirit of resignation.
Get used to having a man tell you in
hoarse. trembling whispers that if you
get him on his feet again he will give
you half of all his money. and then,
after he is restored to his normal con-
dition, dodge you for six menths and
kick like bay steer because you
charged him s2.65.
Be impressive. No matter ii you
don't give man anything but a
couple of grains of quinine, do it in a
solemn, impressive manner. 10 makes
all the difference in the world.
Buy a horse and buggy before you
purchase a case of surgical instru-
ments or library. People like to
have doctor drive up to their houses
in style. 1t makes the neighbons en-
vious
Don't explain too much. Bet the
grave cover your professional SECRETS.
Study these rules carefully. You
will be then well qualified to praetice
on everybody except those whom you
would really like to get we'll In such
cases call in a specialist