Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1902-12-18


every prospect of becoming great
general some time and having the
war department jump on him with
both feet promptly at nine O'Clock
every forenoon, and then, in an I'M
guarded moment, matrimony has
seized him by the ear, and the nation
has staggered and groaned under the
loss.
We remember a soldier of this
kind His duty was to march back
and forth in front of the barracks
all day and protect it from a foreign
invasion. Day after day and week
after week he marched to and fro,
ready to drive back the army of
Great Britain or Ireland or Germany
the moment they put in an appear
ance.
Inside, the officers peeled off their
coats and played seven-up for the
cigars with never thought of the
enemy that might come around the
corner, fleet in hand, at any moment.
They were safe, for they knew that
he was there ready to protect them
from any foe.
Backward and forward he paced,
stopping ever and anon to scan the
distant horizon with eager, feverish
eyes and see if the car of Russia,
with drawn swordski, were yet in
sight, and then, with disappointment
and impatience clearly written on
every feature, he would again break
into a pace.
And thus the savage struggle pro-
crossed. He would go to war at six
o'clock every morning and all fore
noon he would ward off the French
or the Dutch. Then at one o'clock
he would take up arms against Rus
STA or Spain, and he would beat them
back until 5:45 when somebody
would come and persuade him to de-
sist.
But, one day, while throwing de-
fiance into the occasional teeth of
the Turkish army, he fell.
There, in the midst of all his glory,
at a time when the United States
was least prepared, he keeled over.
He, who had kept back the British
government and had held the Swedes
at bay, fell one day with matrimony
of the heart ere Gen. Corbin could
raise finger of protection, and the
nation was left at the mercy of it's
every foe.
Of course, he still maintained a
defensive attitude against the pow
ers, but his best fighting was now
done at home with the photograph
album, the broom, the stove poker,
the organ stool, the dish pan and
the monkey wrench.
AS soon as the war was over at
noon he would hasten home where
the wife of his chest would greet him
lovingly at the door with the fire
tongs, and he would return the
caress with a little love pat that
would jar her back teeth loose.
With an exclamation of endear-
ment she would then close in with
the washboard, and he would reel
backward for a moment, as if over
come by some great joy, and then
hurry from the room on his elbows.
Round 2.-Comrade comes up grog-
gy but affectionate. Lizzie is game.
She leads with the potato masher,
he jumps to the west, and counters
with bowl of soup. 1t lands and
he follows with the anterior joint of
stove pipe. Gong.
Round She lovingly leads out
with the easy chair in his right and
fa5iron in his left. Sweetheart
ducks, and then utters a pivot blow
with the rolling pin. Comrade tries
to knock the pin out of her hand
with his left jaw, but fails. He then
tries his right jaw, but to no pur-
pose. Gong.
Fifteen minutes for mess.
Round Husband comes under
the rope with twinkle of trusting
love in one eye and black and blu
ish accent in the other. Lizzie is
there with the stove lid and few
current remarks. The gallant sol
der boy rebulxes her with the album.
She guards it off with her left ear
and then returns it. Back and forth
it is sent until the air is full of tin
types and panel portraits of mutual
relatives. Somebody throws the
cat Husband makes a feint with
the kitchen clock. Mrs. Lizzie
knows the difference between a false
alarm and blow in the neck. She
| closes in with a stick of stove wood.
He feels something on his face. It
is the Identical piece of wood.
He feels something against his back.
It is the floor. According to Corbin's
anti-military rules, a complete knock
out has been effected. Time :451s.
And then slowly picking himself
up, the soldier returns to the war
where danger does not seem to be
quite as busily engaged in lurking in
the air.
And thus we are led to understand
why Maj. Gen. Corbin believes that
matrimony in time is going to crush
out the United States army. War
will never hurt the standing army,