davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
A TOPSY TURvY ROOM.
Frenchman Who Plays Practical
Jokes ON His Guests.

Frenchman Who Plays Practical
Jokes ON His Guests.
A e4topsy turvy room," writes q cor
respondent, not illusory, but actually
so built, existed near Paris some years
ago and may still exist. One who saw
it thus describes it and the use to
which it was put: II was the guest Of
the owner of the house," he says,
"from Saturday to Monday. He was a
bachelor, very convivial in his tastes,
and we were very jolly party of men.
When we woke up, about 2 o'clock on
the Sunday morning, one Of our num-
Der, sound asleep on the couch in the
billiard room. was carried out like a
log by couple Of servants. My host
gave me a solemn wink and told me
that if n sudden summons came l was
to rush from my bedroom or else 1
might miss sight worth seeing. l
wanted nothing but sleep and was re-
lieved when the summons came to find
that it was broad daylight.
"Yawning, l followed the valet and
found myself. with four others. silent
ly peeping through little holes in the
wall. The scene was absurd. ridicu-
lous. A dazed man slowly waking to
full consciousness was lying on plas-
tered floor. looking up in horror at a
carpeted ceiling. Two heavy couches,
an easy chair, chairs and tables Sc
curely fastened stared down at him
from above. The mans eyes at last
rested on a fiowerpot directly over his
head, from which a fiaring rose, ap-
parently real, was blooming. He gave
a cry and, rolling over, grasped with
frenzied hands the stem of the chande-
lier, which came up through the floor.
The host burst into the room, with a
loud laugh. They all do it, he cried.
They fear they will fall up to the cell
ing"
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

Schoolmaster Ito his wife)-My dear,
l wish you would speak more careful
~. You say that Henry Jones came to
this town from Sunderland.
Wife-Yes.
SchOolmaster-Well, now, wouldn't
it be better to say that he came from
Sunderland to this town?
Wife, don't see any difference in
the two expressions.
SchOolmaster--But there Is differ
ence, a rhetorical difference. You don't
hear me make use of such awkward
expressions. By the way, / have
letter from your father in my pocket.
Wife-But my father is not in your
pocket. You mean you have in your
pocket letter from my father.
Observation-Disclosures you go with
your little bubbles. You take a de-
light in harassing me. You are al
ways taking up a thread and repre-
senting it as a rope.
Representing it to be rope.
you mean.
administration goodness sake, be
quiet. Never saw such quarrelsome
woman in my life.-London Tit-Bits.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Hopf Courtship,

When q Hopi maiden decides which
of the eligible young men of the tribe
she wishes to marry, she goes and sits
in his house and grinds corn until he
is sufficiently impressed by her indus
try to marry her.
After the ceremony. which is an
elaborate one, the couple go to live in
the wife's house. If she tires of her
husband, she can obtain a divorce by
merely throwing his saddle out of the
house. After marriage the house, fields
and all their property except the herds
belong to the wife.
The Hopis are indulgent parents.
The right of the children to do as
they please is never questioned.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Professional Envy,

An italian philosopher has amused
himself by constructing a scale Of de-
grees for the measurement of profess
sional envy. The highest point in this
envy measurer is ten.
& Architects are happily placed lowest
on the scale. They register only i;
advocates and priests and military
men are ranged at 2, and in the as
cending scale he gives us professors
of science and literature, 4; journal
lists, 5; authors, 8; physicians, 8; ac-
tors and actresses, 10. The small
amount of envy among architects is
held to be due to their precise, severe
and rigid studies. The same thing ap-
plies to advocates.
Among the clergy envy Is found
mostly in preachers. In the military
career envy is quiescent in time of
peace, but can become acute in time
of war. Envy makes men of science
and literature lead solitary lives, diff
dent of each other. Among physicians
envy is still more prevalent, and they
do not spare their colleagues, often
terming them charlatans. In the the
atrical world envy reaches its acute
form, vanity playing great part In
it's production.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

with Cummings. didn't hear what
It was all about, but anyway the
loser was to go down in the slums
somewhere with one of those organ
grinders, do a cake walk and pass the
hat"
Grace gasped.
81 should say SO! Any fellow ought
to know better than to mix up with
Cummings. He's always putting up a
game. But, having lost. Fred paid his
bet like a man-went down this after
noon, with lot of us in tow to see
that he played fair. And he did, by
Joye! He put up jolly good cake
walk. and / guess that organ grinder
lows all Clipped in. But best of all
was when Fred got through, and lit
tie chap marched right up to him,
yelling, Say, mister, yer toys is out
Nv sight, but yer steps is bum, VERY
bum-seeY"
Everybody at the table laughed.
Grace wondered If that hystericaI
treble was really her own voice. She
felt such a ridiculous desire to cry in
stead. Finally she unrolled her nap
kin and decided to try a bit Of beef
after all. EE
Half an hour later, when Tom
dashed upstairs to his room, he was
met in the dim entry by his sister.
She laid her hand affectionately on his
shoulder.
Tom, dear, you know that stickpin
the pearl one-you asked me for the
other day? Well, here it is. You may
keep 1t. IL think it will look very
well with that tie.'
Then, kissing him gently, she slipped
back into her room, while Tom hur-
ried on. muttering:
"Girls are queer things-a fellows
sisters the queerest of all. She turned
me down good and hard when asked
for that pin beforev
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
AUTHORS BLuNDERS.
some Mistakes In which the Moon
sum and Wind Figure.


Sum and Wind Figure.
The moon proves terrible pitfall to
most writer's. Wilkie Collins once per-
formed the marvellous feat of making
it rise in the west Rider Haggard, in
ssKing Solomon's Mines" relies for the
effective rendering Of one Of his most
thrilling scenes upon an eclipse of the
new moon.
Coleridge placed star between the
horns of the crescent moon, forgetting
that to be visible in such position the
star would have to be between the
earth and the moon or, say, 100000
miles away only.
Next to the moon perhaps the sun is
responsible for more glaring errors
than any single concrete cause. At
the beginning of certain famous nov
ell, the title of which few years back
was in everybody's mouth, an invalid
characters room was said to have
been lighted by one window looking
directly toward the east. Yet at the
end of the book, when the invalid dies,
the author, wishing to make him de-
part this life in flood of glory, suf
fuses this eastern Widowed room with
''the red glare Of the setting sum-"
Kingsley, too, made one of his heroes
row out into the eastern ocean after
the setting sun. But even this glaring
absurdity has been capped. In a novel
published by well known firm there
occurs the following passage, the scene
being laid on board big sailing ship:
"'How's the windY asked the skip
per. East northeast replied the mate,
glancing at the masthead pennant,
which was streaming blithely in the
direction Indicated" So that in the
world, according to novelists, we
should not only find the sun setting in
the east, but pennants would stream"
against the direction of the prevailing
wind
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

1hc "cathcE
II have just served sixteen subpnnas
on Uncle Sans weather man." said
process server at the county court
house the other day, sand handed him
sixteen half dollars to legalize the COM
mand that he appear to give evidence
in that many cases and SIG to enforce
the direction that he bring the weather
records along.
DO you know, he is much in de-
mand as a witness? There are hun
dreds of cases, especially in the acct
dent and negligence actions in the city
court, in which it is necessary to prove
what was the state of the weather at
the time of the accident, and obvious
ly the man to give that information to
the jury is the observer of the local
weather station, for he has the records
made at the time to show indisputably
whether it was raining or whether the
sun was shining.
sometimes this duty keeps the
weather man on the jump. l have
known him to give testimony in six or
eight cases in q day and to earn wit
ness fees far in excess of his salary.
presume these fees are his perQui-
sites, and l know that the lump sum in
year is handsome amount."-New
York Times.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Naming the Hymn.

A story is told of a negro evangel
ical minister who held night services in
chapel formerly used by the Angli-
can church. In a hymnal which had
been left he found an old familiar
hymn suitable for his sermon, but the
Roman number CXIX somewhat con-
fused him, and he was embarrassed as
to how to announce the hymn. AS was
the custom, he read the stanzas through,
seeming still confused. He then re-
read the first stanzas, which did not
seem to aid him in helping the congre.
cation. now very much bewildered.
Proving redoubtable, he Strengthened
himself up and seemed to grasp the sit
uation at a glance and in stentorian
voice exclaimed, Brethren, let us sing
the Skee-six hymn."-New York Trib-
me.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

A French naturalist claims that there
are few If any animals which have a
higher appreciation of music than
snails. Place some snails on a pane of
glass, he says, and you will find that
as they move over it they will make
musical sounds similar to those which
person can produce by wetting his
finger and then rubbing it around a
glass tumbler Complete airs, he points
out, have been played on tumblers in
this way, and he expresses the opinion
that quite as good results can be OBJ
tanned by using snails instead of fin
gers,
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

A schoolteacher in one of the charm
ing rural suburbs of Philadelphia,
where fancy gardening and the rails
ing of philadelphia fowl are gen.
eral among the residents, recited to the
cas- the story of the landing of the
pilgrims. and. ais the children had been
taking up the work she requested each
scholar to try to draw from the i'm
agination picture of the Plymou, h
rock. Then it was that the little fellow
got up and raised his hand.
well. Willie, what is it?' asked the
teacher.
please. ma'am, do you want a hen
or rooster drawn?" came the unex-
pected reply.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

A YOU'VE LADY's LIFE SAVED at PAN
anna, Colombia, by Chamberlain's Collie,
Cholera and Diarrhoea Remedy.-Dr.
.Cbas. Fl. Utter, prominent physician,
of Panama, Colombia, in recent letter
states: "Last March had as a patient
a young lady sixteen years of age, who
had very bad attack of dysentery.
Everything prescribed for her proved
Intellectual and she was growing worse
every hour. Her parents were sure
she would die. She had become so
weak that she could not turn over In bed.
What to do at this critical moment was a
study for me, but thought Of Chamber
lain's Collie, Cholera and Diarrhoea Rem
edy, and as last resort prescribed 1t.
The most wonderful result was effected.
Within eight hours she was feeling much
better; inside of three days she was upon
her feet and at the end of one week was
entirely well.'
For sale by E. K. Taft, Fl. F. Cady,
STAFFORD; Gardiner Hall, Jr., b Co., South
Wilmington.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

To MY FRIENDs.-It Is with joy I tell
you what Kodol did for me. I was trou-
bled with my stomach for several months
Upon being advised to use Kodol, l did
SO, and words cannot tell the good 1t has
done me. A neighbor had dyspepsia so
that he had tried most everything. l
told him to use Kodol. Words of graft
tude have come to me from him because
l recommended it.-Geo. w. Fry, Viola,
Iowa. Health and strength, of mind and
body, depend on the stomach, and normal
activity of the digestive organs. Kodol.
the great reconstructive tonic, cures all
stomach and bowel troubles, indigestion.
dyspepsia. Kodol digests any good food
you eat. Take dose after meals.-W.
D. Head.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

II went for a bath yesterday" said
an Auvergnat. II had been in the
water some time when l suddenly per-
ceived an enormous shark advancing
toward me with it's jaws open. What
was to do? When he was yard off,
I dived, took out my pocketknife and
ripped up the belly Of the monster"
What! Then you are in the habit
Of bathing with your clothes on" said
one of the listeners.-From the French.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
The White Shark.

The most dreaded and ferocious
shark now in existence Is the great
white shark of tropical waters. 1t is
the man eater par excellence. Speci-
mems have been captured which meas
ured forty-two feet in length. Wheth-
er it has done so or not, this frightful
creature would certainly have no diff
ficulty in literally swallowing a man
whole
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Look Pleasant, Please,

Photographer G. G. Harlan of Eaton,
o., can do so now, though for years he
couldn't, because he stuff red untold agony
from the worst form of indigestion. AL
physicians and medicines failed to help
him till he tried Electric Bitters, which
worked such wonders for him that he de-
clares they are godsend to sufferers
from dyspepsia and stomach troubles
Unrivaled for diseases of the Stomach
Liver and Kidneys, they build up anc
give new life to the whole system. Try
them. Only SOC. Guaranteed by A. e.
Eaton, druggist, Stafford Springs; ant
w. p. Fuller, SOmers.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
A Medieval Survival.


The inhabitants of a faraway village
in Surrey have been enjoying a quaint
medieval survival in the sale by auc.
ton Of a local meadow. Long ago,
when the world was not so busy as it
is today, the landlord of the White
Brown meadow at Borune bequeathed
the meadow subject to an auction sale
which every now and again adds to the
gayety of this rural population. At
each bid boy sets out to run to a
given point. and the White Brown
meadow is let to the bidder whose Of
fer is unchallenged when the last boy
returns.
Equally curious is the candlelight
auction at Wharton, in Warwickshire,
where the right of grazing upon the
roadside and the common lands is sold
each year to the man who bids highest
before the last flicker of candle dies
away. AS the tallow candle burns
away bidding begins, and the road sur
veyor, who acts as auctioneer, encour-
ages the bidders with such phrases as
"Get on, gentlemen, please; the lights
burning."-St. James Gazette
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
A Weather Glass.

A simple weather glass is made thus:
Obtain a glass jar, such as is used for
pickles, and put some water into 1t;
then get Il bottle with long neck, If
possible, and put it in the jar, with the
neck downward, till the mouth just
touches the water. When the water
rises in the bottle, it is going to rain,
and when it is down fine weather pre-
walls.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

A CURE FOR CHOLERA lNFANTuM. -"Last
May" says Mrs. Curtis Baker of Book
walter, Ohio, 'an infant child of our
neighbours was suffering from cholera In
fantum. The doctor had given up all
hopes Of recovery. I took bottle Of
Chamberlain's Collie, Cholera and Diar-
rhoea Remedy to the house, telling them
felt sure 1t would do good IL used ac-
cording to directions. In two days time
the child had fully recovered, and Is now
(nearly year since) vigorous, healthy
girl. have recommended this Remedy
frequently, and have never known 1t to
fail In any single instance"
For sale by e. K. Taft, Fl. F. Cady,
Stafford; Gardiner Hall, Jr., & Co. South
wellington. @
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

A member Of the congregation named
Knight died. On the Sunday following
the funeral, when the members Of his
family-widow, sons and daughters
dressed in deep mourning, sat in
front pew at church to hear the fu-
neral sermon and eulogy Of the de-
ceased, the unconscious humorist, the
vicar. gave out as his text, There
shall be no night there" He was much
scandalized when subdued litter was
heard at the back of the church.-Lon.
don Answers. ---- IL
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

'"They say" said the young drama
fist, that shall have to cut my play
down. but really don't know where
to begin"
"Why not start at both ends" his
candid friend asked, land work to-
ward the middleY-Chicago Record
Herald.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Sounded Familiar.

"You wretch! You miscreant! You
worst Of villainsw exclaimed the hero
inc at rehearsal.
The heavy villain. who had just join
ed the company. looked patiently ag-
grieved and said:
Excuse me, is that in the part or are
you acting as stage manager."-Wash-
ingtOn Star
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

HIS SIGHT THREATENED.-"W While pic
nicking last month my 11-year-old boy
was poisoned by some weed or plant
says W. FL. Dibble, of Sioux City, la.
:" He rubbed the poison off his hands into
his eyes and for awhile we were afraid he
would lose his sight. Finally neighbor
recommended DeWitt's Witch Hazel
Salve. The first application helped him
and 10 few days he was as we'll as ever"
For skin diseases, cuts, burns, scalds,
wounds, insect bites, DeWitt's Witch
Hazel Salve is sure cure. Relieves piles
at once. Beware of counterfeits.-W. D.
Heald
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
The Absentminded Professor.

an absenrminded member. Herr Wich-
mann. created no little amusement.
He was calling the roll, and upon
reaching his own name he paused for a
response. Naturally none came. Then
he called the name more loudly, waited
a few seconds and roared 1t out at the
top of his voice. The laughter of his
colleagues finally aroused him to q
sense of the righteousness of his act,
and he Joined In the general hilarity.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

81 will tell you how to work it," said
woman, whose figure showed she
would be tired by standing. to COM
panion in Il Broadway car. When
there is no vacant seat. watch for two
men who are in conversation and
stand right in front of them.
Each one will want his friend to
think he ia very polite. SO both of them
will jump right up and offer their
seats. That's the way do. and it new
er fails."-New York Herald.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Skaters All Records.

Twice in hospital, F. A. Culledge, YER
bena, Ala, paid vast sum to doctors ito
cure severe case Of piles, causing "a tu-
mors. When all failed, Buoklen's Arnica
Salve soon cured him. Subdues Inflam-
nation, conquers Aches, kills Pains.
Best salve In the world. 25c at A. e.
-Eaton's drug store, Stafford Springs; and
w. P. Fuller,s, Somers.,
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

"What does this mean, daughter?
Here is another lot of milliners' and
dressmakers' bills. Don't you remem-
Der that l expressly ordered you not
to contract any more debts without
my knowledgew
Certainly, papa, but 1 haven't con-
tracted any debts. On the contrary,
I've expanded them"
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

Ascum-You don't care much for So
ciety, do you?
Crabbe-No. Society is nothing but a
ridiculous school where every nobody
is taught to try to be somebody.-Phil-
adelphia Press.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
They Felt Hungry.

She-Well, Clarence, dear, the situa.
ton is not quite as rosy as it was pic.
tured to us before marriage, is it?
He-Well, not altogether so, love.
She-I wish-er-I wish
He-What do you wish, dearest?
She-I wish we had the rice and the
old shoes they threw at us when we
were married.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Williams Root Beer

you will never be without some on the
ice. The result will be so good on you
and your family that you will delight to
do your friends good by having it on tap
for them. Think how much good you
can do for cents quart. That's what
it costs to make Williams Root Beer at
home, as one bottle of Williams Ex-
tract makes S gallons of Root Beer.
WILLIAMS & CARLETON CO.. Hartford. Gem.
Makers Of Williams Fiavorng Extracts.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Cru ell.

Mrs. Street, have been very careful
with my daughter. have told her
whenever she is going to speak to stop
and listen how it sounds.
Mrs. Lane-You ought to tell her to
follow the same rule when she is about
to sing.-Yonkers Statesman.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

'Why did you quit your job? Did
you have a disagreement with the
bossY
ooh, no; not at all. l told him l had
to have more money or l would quit.
and he said it was mutually satisfac-
tory" -Indianapolis News.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

A NECESSARY PREoAUTIoN.-Don't
neglect cold. 1t Is worse than unpleas-
ant. 1t Is dangerous. By using One
Minute Cough Cure you can cure 1t at
once. Allays Inflammation, clears the
head, soothes and strengthens the mu-
cors membrane. Cures coughs, Group,
throat and lung troubles. Absolutely safe.
Acts Immediately. Children like it.-W.
ID, Heald.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
If q Man Lie to YOu.

And say some other salve, ointment,
lotion, oil or alleged healer lie as good as
Bucklen's Arnica Salve, tell him thirty
years of marvellous cures of Piles, Burns,
Boils, Corns, Felons, Ulcers, Cuts, Scalds,
Bruises and Skin Eruptions prove its the
best and cheapest. Csc at A. G. Eaton's
drug store, Stafford Springs, and at w.
p. Fuller's, Somers.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Da.fn... Cannot be Cured

by local applications, as they cannot reach the
diseased portion Of the ear. There is only one
way to cure Deafness, and that is by constitu-
tional remedies. DEAFNESS Is caused by an In
iamed Condition of the mucous lining OF the
Eustachian Tube. When this tube gets fnf1amed
you have q rumbling sound or imperfect hear
ing, and when 1t is entirely closed Deafness is
taken out and this tube restored to its normal
condition, hearing will be destroyed forever
nine cases out OF ten are caused Dy catarrn,
which is nothing but an infiamed condition OF
the mucous surfaces.
we win give One Hundred Dollars for any
case of Deafness (caused by catarrh) that can
not be cured by Hairs Catarrh Cure. Send for
circulars, free.
~, It. j. CHENEY q CO., Toledo, o.
EN-Sold by druggists, 7bc.
Hairs Family PILLS are the best. clio
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Nnf sn sndden

amelia" faltered the young man, 'T
love you"
"Oh, Herbert" she said, clasping her
hands together, what long, long
time it has taken you to say sor'-Chi-
cago Tribune.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21

They were discussing suicides and
the proneness Of different peoples to
depart in that way when one Of those
engaged in the conversation turned to
q colored man and asked, "Why is it
that SO few of your people take their
own lives?"
After scratching his head a moment
the person addressed responded, "Well,
I tell you. boss: when a niger sits
down he don't worry, but goes to
sleep."-New York Times.
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
Her View.

A little three-year-old miss while her
mother was trying to get her to sleep
became interested in a peculiar noise
and asked what it was.
"A cricket. dear" replied her moth
er.
"Well," remarked the little lady, che
ought to get himself oiled."-Chicago
The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1902-08-21
onnosite Meanings.

"Cleave" is the best instance Of an
English word with two opposite mean
lngs. NERVOUS" ''let" and "propugn"
are other instances @5s