Middlebury register. (Middlebury, Vt.) 1886-1937, 1902-08-15
PLAN DIDN'T WORK.

YES" sadly remarked the small man
with the damaged left eye and the sorely
scratched proboscis, "the next time any
oody gets mussy with me, or get mussy
with anybody, so that mix is bound to
happen. I'm going to get the swift clutch
on a couple Of half bricks or a pair of
rocks and do the best business | know how
with them-its one sure thing that I'm not
gong to use any more OF the advice of
these blamed IDIOTS who write about how
little man may thrash big man by scien
tific methods-how the merest puny midget
may put a gigantic piano mover out of
business by employing just a few rightly
executed punches I've got mine good and
plenty on several occasions by reading the
hasheesh cummings of those fellows, and
hereafter I'm going to grab hold OF the
first hard thing that comes handy and see
what | can do.
Long about two years ago | read GER
tain sure-thing sounding screed, alleged to
have been written by Robert Fitzsimmons,
about how a small, weakly man could
easily put it all over a weight-lfter and
all-around lumberman by putting into ex-
ecution certain little system. The red
haired pug said that all the little man had
to do, when he was getting the worst Of
an argument from the big man, was to
snatch off his (the understood mans cap
with his left hand, suddenly clap it over the
face of the big man, and then give the big
man swift punch in the stomach with the
right. This, said Fitzsimmons, would so
surprise the big man that he'd topple back
ward and thus put himself in position for a
whole repertoire of punches from the small
man, with the inevitable result that he'd
go down and out, and the small man 'ud
ho el,
tam and crow lot
That's a great and practicable scheme
said | to myself when | read it, 1t looks
bully. These big buffers that've been
crowding me for so long had sure better
watch out now or I'll macerate them up
plenty according to. the tenets and terms Of
this new small mans Hoyle'
'Well, my little old chance drifted along
after awhile. y big skate-kind O fat, he
was, and putfy-looking, too-was leaning
against a pole, along the avenue, and l
thought he was just about the right one for
me to try one of the those scientific mixes
with So l edged alongside OF him, and, pre-
tending that it was accidental, came down
with the full weight OF my right heel on his
toes. He gave howl and started at me- l
yanked my derby from my head with my
LETT hand and started to cover up his face
anu Dllnu Min with IL so ) L COulN HeJ IN
that swift right punch at his stomach-but,
somehow or other, his face didn't happen
to be in the right place just at that psyche
logical moment, as it were. That fact, of
course, rendered the rest of my plan mop
erative, and-well, let's let bygones be by
| cones.
However, thought | saw another
chance to get hunk with the overgrown
| lubbers Of the world when, few months
| later, | read OF another system whereby
small man might crush the frame and
spirit OF large one. This system consist
ed in the small mans getting in the first
lick, and very sudden, at that. If the
small man, this poppy-trance read, when
he finds clash inevitable, suddenly shoots
out his left hand at close range and catches
the overbearing big man right square in the
pit OF the stomach, the blow naturally
| doubles the big man up, 50 that he has
to bend forward, which OF course tetches
his head right within range.
Then all the small man has 10 do is 20
suddenly plant blow with all Of the
strength OF his right fist square on the jaw
of the big man, which is bent over in per-
feet position for the blow, and down and
out the big man Is bound to 20, thus insur-
| ing victory for the smaller contestant. This
| hit me as beirg a much more scientific and
| plausible method than the other one, and
waited my chance to give 1t proper test.
| got the chance about a week later on the
| porch Of a road house outside of this town.
| accidentally threw a cigar butt on his
trousers while | was standing right in front
Of him, and when he made some sort OF a
remark about whiifets getting gay with
grown people, made that swift reach for
his stomach with my left hand. | caught
| him there, too, but, oddly enough, the stub
born brute didn't appear to want to bend
forward with the impact of the blow, thus
offering me his chin to punch hard with
my right. Instead Df doing that he stood
straight up, passed ME a swift swat on
the ear with mis- right hand, and then, grab
bing me with both hands by the slack of
| the back OF my coat, the miserable rutfan
| carried me over to the rail of the porch
| and dropped me into pool OF muddy water
on the ground below. | got the boot from
everybody, of course, and this disheartened
me some after picked myself up and went
away TO think it over
But | went after the game once more,
only yesterday, and all you've got to do is.
to look me over that's all. | read that the
understood man. involved in trouble with a
big one, has only to deliver hard kick on
the shin OF the big man, which causes him
| such eNcruclatlng pain that he can Nck a
gnat l knew, myself, how much it hurt
to have a fellows shin kicked, and this
plan caught my enthusiasm in hurry. I
resolved that I'd give it try, just for luck,
anyhow, and | waited for the right big
man to sail along my way. Saw him yes
terday He was leaning against tree box,
thinking it over, up on Fourteenth street.
and as passed by him thought detected
sardonic grin on his face as | passed him,
as if grinning at my hat, or necktie, or some
thing. walked right up to him and kicked
him as hard as | could on the shin-well,
look at me- that's ALL"
Didn't work, h!' said the listener.
mo- darn it all, the COMPOUNDED big lub-
Der had wooden leg and that was the shin
that l kicked Then he reached out and
got me and pasted me this blue eye and
rubbed my nose in the graveEyes, you can
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