Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1902-12-21
to tell her that I came around just

to tell her that I came around just
SO I could smoke up all his cigars
I never smoked but ono Of his rotten
cigars in my life, and then I was
sorry I didn't lay it on the mantel
after the start. 1t was one OF these
finder punches with the Mother Hub
bard wrapper that flare up like a
fruit-stand torch when you light It.
I had to blow mine out. was afraid
it would set the house on fire. Every
time took a puff the sparks flew
in every direction, and it smelled like
somebody smuggling a chicken.
The next day met the man and his
wife on the street, and they said they
were 'awfully glad" I called, and
sincerely hoped, now that had found
the way would come often. Then
they handed me that veteran jolly
about the latch-string always being
on the outside, but said nothing about
the hammer being on the inside.
I know fellow who is just about
to marry into one of the stingiest,
grouchiest families that ever lodged
a street-car fare. You can just bet
he'll get it nice and complete after
he lives with that bunch about two
months I can see the old man cutting
down on his divvy when he passes his
plate. and see the old woman gyrate
her eyebrows and cough when he
spreads his bread man's-size. I'll bet
they'll pass him sand for sugar, and
serve him cuttle-hsh on Fridays. I
know they buy yesterdays bread
right along. I've been in the bakery
lots Of times when little Johnnie
came in with the cents. They always
pretended that fresh bread gave them
indigestion. And yet my friend Is just
about to do a tall Steve Brodie right
into the Jaws Of Suicide, with his ears
stuffed with burlaps. He won't listen
to a word I say. He just thinks the
girl is Perfection bonded. and that the
whole family Is Fine Worsted.
But I know better. I used to row
that girl about a little bit myself,
and I can swear that one night when
I called, her father swiped my rub
bers. In fact, 1 know he did. l saw
him through the crack in the parlor
door when he snuck out into the hall
and lifted them. My first impulse
was to duck around the other way
and head him off; but I didn't want
to start cny disturbance, SO I just let
him go ahead.
Just after my rubbers were spirited
away the girl put her arm around my
waist said There goes my watch,
too" I didn't mean to say it out
loud, but never thought what I was
doing. She got very indignant. and
said "Sir! What do you mean?' I
explained that I simply meant that
I was afraid tho pressure of her arm
had broken the crystal. Wasn't that
answer all to the Clever, though?
And just like lightning, too.
But to revert to her father. He was
- I1 boil Il
yet he kicked when I raped, because,
as he said, 1.-The repeated knocks tend
ed to crack the varnish more or
less" Now wouldn't that crack your
varnish more or less? asked him how
the Dickens was I to let them know
when I was at the door. He told mo
to whistle.
It makes me shake with emotion
every time I think that my good
friend is going to solder up with that
old curmudgeon's daughter
l once knew q fellow who married
into one OF those soup-boue families,
and one sad day ne came to me with
an axe in his hand and told me to do
my worst. He said he was strong for
Death, and wanted me to do the JOB
neatly and with dispatch. told him
+ was little unsteady at such bust
and think it over. He said he couldn't
think in that house. asked him why
he and his wife didn't move away,
and he clapped both hands to his
head, and L thought for moment
he was going spooly. I guess my sug-
gestion was the wrong thing. The
way he carried on kind Of scared me,
but I finally got him by the bride
and made him sit down. Then felt
his pulse. told that as far as could
tell, the beating was regular.
Yes he said. sadly, "as regular
as the day comes around She hasn't
missed but one day since we were
married. And when I told him he had
quite heavy coat on his tongue he
said he wished to hi it was on his
back. Then he went on to tell me
how poor he was. It was, indeed. a
sad, sad tale I don't know whatever
became Of the poor dub. never saw
him after he left my Office that day.
I guess he's Joined the Underground
ers long ago. Poor fellow! He looked
pathetic, standing there with tho axe
IN his mitt. and big tears ziEzagEtnE
thdr course down into the tunglss
Of his whisksrk
Most married men slip on tho mask
bafor0 th&k fFaendA and pratend that