The National tribune., 1902-11-06

"YOU SCARCELY LOOK FIT FOR T.
your hair occasionally and keep that look
ing respectable. 1t looks as if it had not
been cOmbed for week. Is that because
the Government does nol furnish you a
comb?"
MY DEFENSE WINS OUT.
/ answered.: mo, sir; I have a comb
of my own that l bought and paid for,
but protest against the assumption that
l do not comb my hair or that it is not
respectable. 1t is, as you can see, trim
med to the short warrior cut and l comb
it every day. 1t is little inclined to in
dependent action, admit. But if sleek
hair were a sure indication of military
genius, the Government would not be long
in finding commander for the Army Of
the Potomac who would capture Rich
mond and end the rebellion. Probably no
General in the world ever wore more
genteel head Of hair than our General
Mcdowell, but it did not win at Bull
Run, as we all know. My hair is certain
ly not of the Mcdowell order; l feel en-
cOuraged from the fact that it is rather
of the Jackson type, although somewhat
less radical, and, surely no member Of
this Board will contend that the hero Of
New Orleans did not possess great mill
tary ability, or that he might have added
to his personal fame and his country's
glory by giving more attention to comb
ing and brushing his hair"
Here the old General leaned far back
in his chair; his massive, square jaws
parted until his mouth resembled yawn-
ing mountain chasm, and beyond the val
ley his bald head shone like smooth
bowlder, and his smile rippled and rum
bled and reverberated through the gorge
like the echo of distant artillery. The
Colonel fixed his mouth for another ques-
| ton, but it did not materialize, for when
Gen. Casey ceased to smile, he said:
| There, there, Colonel, l think that will
do. The Corporal seems to have the best
of it." Then, addressing me, he said:
Take a seat at the desk there, Corporal,
and state in writing the position that :you
desire or think yourself qualified to fill
and sign your name thereto" / did SO,
and, later, received what I asked, my
dread of the "swell,head" preventing me
from becoming a Colonel.
THE FINAL ORDEAL.
Nevertheless, had yet to pass one more
test in this trying ordeal, and was forth
with shown into the Office and presence of
the Examining Surgeon, where, in order
that soldier who had served two and a
half years as an enlisted man should not
have the opportunity. of defrauding the
| Government by passing himself off as
physically competent to yerform the duties
of commissioned officer, if not sound of
limb, or if suffering from bodily infirmi-
ties, / was required to lay aside my ha-
| blliments and appear in undress uniform
After the Surgeon had examined and
| tested my physical makeup in any and
every way he desired, he frankly informed
me that: Your personal appearance, sir,
Is very much against you. The worn,
soiled, and generally dilapidated condition
| OF your clothing is greatly to your dis
credit" In the language Of Antony "this
was the most unkindest cut of ALL" and
quite unexpected, coming from the source
it did. If there is anything in the world
| that will excite a mans heart to wrath
1t is to have his dearest friends abused
IN their absence, and l would have en-
Joyed telling the Surgeon, in plain English,
just what l thought Of him, but, having
stood, without flinching, the Coloners can
| nonading in the presence of the whole
Board, it would never do to get ratified at
few scattering shots from one lone doc
tor, and l said: "Yes, Major, so the Board,
or rather the Colonel, informed me, and it
affords me much satisfaction to learn that
you agree with him. l was under the
impression, however, that in an examina-
ton of this kind, Surgeons skill was
required to fathom the depth Of the sol
diers infrmities; any old thing can dis
cover the imperfections in his uniform,
especially when he comes from the front;
but as it seems to be otherwise, will you
not kindly, and in my behalf, in making
your report, inform the Board that my
uniform is not a part Of my physical be-
ing, which fact may have escaped its no.
tice, while you, Major, have an ocular
demonstration of its truth"
The Surgeon replied very curtly: II
probably understand making my report,
SIR" said: Certainly, Major, and ii
you care not to subject this poor old
blouse and trousers to any further exam
ination, will again don the uniform of
a private soldier in the American army"
After which l was dismissed from the
presence of the wise Surgeon and the
learned Military Board, and the same day
returned to the Army of the Potomac.
The army had advanced in my absence,
and found my regiment south Of the
Rappahannock not far from the station
Of that name. There was much activity
in the army. The weather continued fine,