Clinch Valley news. [volume] (Jeffersonville, Va.) 18??-2019, 1902-11-07
CHAMP CLARK STORIES.
Bright and Witty Tales
Picked Up Here and There.

a Lawyers Queer Description Of a
Ssrmon--Astonishlng Behavior OF a
corpse-When the Mourners Failed
TO Impress a Jury--A Negro at
the circus-Thought the Elephant
Had Too Much Leather In His
6reeches-Why White Man Was
Punished For Playing Craps.
copyright 1902. by Champ clark.1
Some people use big words appropr.-
ely and inapproprlately I'm order to
ppear to possess great learning. 9th
= use them appropriately as mat
rOf amusement.
n Astonishing Sort Of Sermon.
Or. Greene. president OF William
well college Mt Liberty. Mo-. invaria-
y breaches a baccalaureate sermon to
- graduating class on the Sunday Inn
hediately preceding the commence
aent exercises. He Is very able man.
"a the people OF Missouri. without
y reference To politics or religion,
AXE great pride In him. At Liberty
here also lives very bright lawyer
who uses very large words for the pur-
'o:'e OF astonishing people.
= year or SO ago. after Dr. Greene
i3d delivered a famous baccalaHrea to
crmon. somebody asked this lawyer
what he thought Of II. whercupon he
replied, TITS the greatest bacchanalian
sermon that ever heard!"
On another occasion this lawyer was
addressing a Jury for the defense I'm n
murder case. Like great many other
lawyers. he put himself I'm the place Of
his client. and instead OF saying that
the deceased did so and so and said so
and so to his client he would say "he
did II to u.s." So I'm great burst of
eloquence he said: "The deceased cut
us; he beat us; he stabbed us; he
chOked us; he called us n liar. n scoun.
drel and other appropriate epitaphs!
The Cheerful Mourners.
One OF my most distinguished con.
stituents is Judge J. w. Boulware of
Fulton. Judge Boulware Is one of the
greatest criminal lawyers In Missouri
and has been unusually successful IN
the practice.
Like all other great advocates. he has
me Is Re 'c.,s the following anecdOte
mt his own expense. "Some years ago."
says the judge, IL was engaged I'm de
Tending n man for murder down i'm
Usage county. 1t was very tough
case. and I'm order 10 prevent the man
from being hanged | brought into play
all the arts OF which was capable In
order To help me along when came TO
the pathetic part OF my speech. | had
the wife and six or eight children Of
the defendant. clad In mourning.
brought into court and seated at n con-
venicnt distance behind me. In my
peroration | became as pathetic as pos
sible and pumped for tears with all my
might. In order to make more forcible
the heart melting appeal that | was
making TO the jury. turned around 70
the woman and her children and said,
Gentlemen OF the jury. look 1T these?
| looked myself, and every Internal one
OF them was crunching stick OF red
circus candy as unconcernedly as II the
man on trial for his life was no kin
to them. l was so amazed and dis
gusted that forgot the rest OF my
speech and stammered out. Gentlemen
OF the jury. take the case They not
only took my case, but they took my
client also"
Orator and Humorst.
Recently went over to Fulton. the
capital Of Galloway county, which has
been added to the Ninth district. on n
sort OF missionary expedition. That is
the seat OF Westminster college. the
great Presbyterian college OF Missouri.
One night attended banquet OF the
alumni Among the speakers was Hon.
William ii. Wallace OF Kansas City,
who won imperishable renown by his
great speech in prosecuting Frank
james for murder. He is n splendid
lawyer. an orator and possessed OF a
fund of wit and humor. He delivered
4 speech which he entitled Some
Thoughts oil EXtemporaneous Speak
ing" II was made up almost entirely
OF string OF the funniest anecdotes
that ! ever heard. Among other things
nc said: once upon time there was n
colored preacher who took for his text,
The devil goes about like a roaring
Hon. seeking whom he may devour.' In
announcing his subject he said .Breth-
eren and sistern. will divide my text
into three parts-first. Who am he? sec
ond. Where are he gOin'? third. What
I'm the deuce am he roarin' about 2"
He followed that up with the follow
Ing about a colored man who went to a
circus for the first time In antebellum
days. When he returned home. his mas.
ter said. How did you like the circusY'
"Oh. fust rate" replied the colored
man. did you see the tigerY" Yes.
sab; saw the tiger" What did you
think or HIM" 81 dunno much bout
tigers, but he seemed to me to be a re
spectacle sort of tiger" Ibid you see
tfS lionr' Eyes, sab; saw de lion. .
What did you think OF him?" II dun.
no much bout lions, bat he 'peared to
me TO be all right" did you see the
elephant?" Yes. sab; saw the eIe-
plant" What did you thing OF him?'
He 'pcared to be all right. except that
he seemed to have too much surplus