Atlanta semi-weekly journal. (Atlanta, Ga.) 1898-1920, 1902-01-20

Business Man who was
hooked up with hoop
la Spender. 1t was often re-
marked that Hiram's Wife
seemed to take it for granted
that Treasury Notes grew on
Trees. She wore these long
lozenge-shaped Rings that blind
the Spectator, and she had a
different Sunburst for every
Day in the Week and a Dia-
mond Tarara that made the
other Women sizzle with Envy.
She wore a trailing Worth
Gown that kept coming into
the Room long after she had
entered.
Now and then she would give
a Party at which $50 worth of
Spinach would be hung on the
Chandeliers. The highest
priced Caterer in Town would
deal out the sparkling CONVEX
sation Water as if Brut and
Buttermilk cost about the same.
She was, in very Sooth, among
the highest of the Rollers, but
Hiram stood for the Bills with
nary a Whimper. He was
proud to be the Husband of the
Lady Ki-Bosh of the Local
Knickerbockers.
He never pranced into the
Ring himself for Fear that he
might Interfere or throw a
Shoe, but he sat back in Sec
ton A and rooted for the
Missus. Every time she was
awarded a Blue Ribbon for an
other Social Triumph, he was
pleased beyond Compare.
Hiram was a Child of Ma
ture, and he never had been
able to outgrow- his Birth
right. Even when he was at
tired in his $135 Evening
Clothes, one could tell by look
ing at him that he knew how
to milk Cow. He had more
Hands and Feet than he could
dispose of at one Time.
Hiram could not comb his
Hair so that it would Stay,
and although he had been in
the City for 80 years he never
contrived to get the Hang of
a tie-it-yourself Bow Tie, so he
used the kind that fastens be-
hind with a little Buckle. 1t
was even said that Hiram was
unable to put the Studs in his
Shirt without getting Finger
Marks on the Bosom. Hiram's
Wife or daughter Jessie always
had to go to his Room and look
him over and turn him around
a couple of times before they
dared to lead him out where
the Company could see him.
When there was a Theater
Party, Hiram always sat back
between the Curtains so as to
avoid spelling the Picture, and
at the same time keep the
Draught away from the other
People. At a Dinner Party he
was usually put in between two
gabby Girls who had tacit In
structions to keep him elbowed
into the Background.
And vet, withal, Hiram was
a Man of Sterling Worth and
many admirable Qualities. He
was the Family Gibraltar, while
his Wife and Jessie were sup
posed to be mere Floral Orna-
ments. Best of all, Hiram was
known to be a Star at getting
the Coin. The Fact that the
Family put up such tall Front
in the Society Column helped
the Public to believe that Hi
ram was as good as Old Wheat
and as prosperous as a Kansas
Farmer. And he was supposed
to be long on Business Integ-
rity. 1t was argued that one
so Yappy would have to be cor
respondingly Honest.
Hiram was so Severe and
Puritanical and had so much
clinging Agricultural Simplici-
tv that no one dreamed the
Truth about him. In Reality,
his Arteries were surcharged
with Sporting Blood. When no
one suspected it, he liked to
put on a Mask and sneak out
and hold up the Stock Market.
That is what he did until one,
sad Day in May, the Stock Mar
ket up and Did him. He got
it right where the Hired Girl
wears the Ruching.
Hiram came home as Pale as
a Ghost and broke the News
that he was in the Hole. He
hesitated to tell the Wife, for
she was a Fragile Being, un-