davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1902-11-09

Champagne Tablets are for sale in
Richmond by Owens & Minor Drug
4 Co. No. 1907 East Main Street; R. H
M. Harrison. Foushee and Broad
streets N1n- P. Poythress & Co., No.
9la East Main Street: T. a. Miller. No.
$40 East Broad Street. and W. F..
Warinner. Third and Main Streets and
Fifth and Marshall Streets.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1902-11-09
THE NEWS CONDENSED
Happenings oflnterest Told in Fewe

specials to The Times.
BRUSSELS, November S.-According to
the Yet, tits reported that King Leopold.
whose wife died September 18th, wishes
to marry again
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28
Out For a Time.
tWashington Star.)

Some people" remarked the returned
tourist to a Star reporter. have strange
Ideas of enjoyment. To illustrate, let me
tell briefly an incident OF nv recent trip
from New York 10 this city. The happiest
persons on the Well-croWded train were
<wo men well past the middle age. They
had left all business cares behind them
and were out for a good time. / CHANGED
10 meet them In the smoking compart-
nent the usual resort of all travellers
OF social nature. Each was enjoying
what he regarded as a huge joke AT the
EXPENSE Of the other. IL appeared that
they we're, travelling under a system, the
nature of which they each seemed TO take
especial pleasure in imparting 10 every
body they met-fellow travellers. conduc-
tor. porter. brakeman. etc. IL was sim
ply that one of them should be consid-
cred lunatic and the other his keeper.
and. in consideration of their respective
positions. the keeper bore all the eX-
senses of the two during their entire out
ing. The supposed lunatic was a jolly
good-natured individual. and apparently
enjoyed the situation as much as his
more loquacious keeper. who never lost
an opportunity 10 remark that his COM
Danion was crazy. But for his eXplana-
iion no one would have suspected the
situation. as the two were laughing and
Joking with each other. and we're EVIL
IDENTITY on the best of terms. They made
no. secret that thew were on their way to
the West Indies. One of these men-I
won't saw which-was a member of con-
gress. and. the other was one OF his con-
-.ituents. a business man of wealth. II
was the most curious combination of
freak enjoyment / have ever met with.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

far-off region iv ice an snow an funny
little Esqueemo women in union gar
ments Nv fur. He's in Greenland now;
he's battlin' with tn deadly ice foe:
now he's rasslin' with a polar bear;
he's up; he's away; he's reached tn
pole; he's pullin' il up be tn roots;
bravo, Badly" An so he goes till his
hands is all chapped firm thinkin' iv
tn cold an his leg is lame firm tn
encounter with a polar bear, an his
rockin' chair is in danger iv bein'
dashed TO pieces again tn threacher-
Gus PLAINLY. An wan day message
comes firm tn other explorer: Rio
Janeiro.-We have rayturned. baff1ed.
but not defeated. TIL picked walnuts
gave out befure we reached tn West
Indies As far as we've gone we've
had excellent raysults. Tn eap'ns tn
so per clint iv the crew is
this tillygram off I'm goin' in to punch
tn surgeon. congratulate We. Ye'er
name will stand high among tn binny-
factors Nv science. We have demon
sthrated beyond fear Nv conthrydietion
that tn gulf sthream is jus where ii
was an that volcanoes amt what they
are cracked up to be. Our motto is:
'Niver give up tn ship. It's too COM
Portable" Who's ye'er banker here2'
Whin tn millyionaire dies lv exposure,
a victim to science, tn mariners ray
turns an letchers on tn subject:
'Quarrels I Have Had in tn Frozen
North. Talk about tn terrors iv artic
exploration, Hinnissy! There's where
We git thin. Did ye liver go 20 an artic
exploration fletcher? l did wanst. They
was wan down at tn brothers school
las WHITTIER I've been lame liver since.
None iv It in mine, if We PLACE. It's
too hot wurruk in thin clothes. An
aven If yet get up near tn pole. what 5
ii good fro TIL climate is disagree
able, an tn society is monotonous.
Ivrybody dresses alike. Tn wan tailor
makes IN clothes FIR pah, nah, Lucille
an tn polar bear out iv tn same pat
thern. If ye go TO coort a girl, We don't
know befure she speaks whether It's
hersilf OF her Uncle Nike. ! heerd "
an artle explorer wanst that held hands
with a Swede sicond mate fr over an
hour befure he rallied his mistake.
mo. sir. no artic explorations fr me.
ayether pers'n'Ily or be check. But If
/ did go into il. I know who I'd sind
I'd not fool around with people who
begin to cough within sight ~ III car
barns. I'd utilize tn folks in tn neigh
bOrhOOd. I'd pathroniZe home indus
thries. Tn pole FIR tn polars, says l.
They mus be hundreds iv la-ads up
in that part iv tn wurruld that'd be
willin' 70 earn an honest dollar be dis
GOVERN tn pole. With thin 'tNvud be
like We gOin down to explore tn stock
yards. l bet nanny iv thin knows tn
mole as we'll as / know Haley's slough.
Ye'd prob1y find they've hung their
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

Copyright. 1902, by Robert Howard Rus
sellJ
~ HIS here business Of ar
90 tic explorations tn gran
pursoot." said Mr.. Doc
ley. "A gran. comfort
able. nghtin'. quarrelin' business"
What's n all about" asked Mr.
Hennessy. why shud annywan want
10 go 90 III north pole? Amt it cold
enough here"
Il nivrr cud quite make it out" said
Mr. Dooley. I've heerd tell that
years ago, beiure % FIRE or tn war.
some wan had an idea in his foolish
head that they was a gran sea up
there with blue water dmplin' in ~
moonlight an cocynut threes CROWN
ON M shore an II a man cud On'y get
In with his boat he Cud sail around
m wurruld an fetch up in Chiny. That
ide's blew up an thin some wan said
'twud be- a fine thing fF science II a
white man cud get 10 IN north pole.
What he'd do II he got there no wan
has amy thought Accordin' 20 what
] hear m north pole amt like a lilly
graft pole, a barber pole fishin' pole.
a clothes pole, a polecat a poll tax.
a MaypOle. "A Russhyan Pole, or amy
thing that We can see, smell or ate.
Whin ye get to IL 1t is no dinrent firm
bein' anywhere on tn ice. Tn ony
way ye know we're there is be con-
fultin' a pocket arithmetic. a watch an
compass Don't get IL into yer head
that IL me frind Baldwin or Peary liver
whit north ~ Milwaukee an come
Hcrost IN north pole they'd carve their
names on IL or hist a flag over Il or
bring 10 home with thin on a thruck
an set Il up on tn lake front Tn
north pole is a gigantic column Nv cold
air, some seys hot. an an enthusyastic
explorer that wasn't loOkin' where he
wint might pass right through il with
cut KNOWN.
In m arly days whin an explorer
whit OF 90 find IN pole. he bought
hlmsilf a shrepskin coat a couple iv
dogs. a pair IN skates. an a bottle ~
picked onions an set out braVely, an
IN people watched IN family 20 see
what other form IN iunacy wud take
After awhile he ayether come back or
he didn't Sometimes tn Esqueemo
lady didn't care 10 lave her pleasant
home In IN land iv perpetchool blub-
her an In that case IN hardy mariner
remained i'm IN frozen north. / niver
cud see tn advantages " life in tn
urtiC regions. It's thrue IN nights is
six months long an sleep Is wan iv
IN sports that age hasn't deprived
me lv. IL mus be a gr-Teat country
fr burglars. But fr a plain wurrukin'
man it's very thryin' Think " a six
months wurrkin' day. Ye get ye'er
breakfast az sun-up IN March an We
don't set down to dinner tin tn first
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28
THE MODERN FABLE OF now AN HUMBLE BEGINNER
MOVED FROM ONE PINNACLE TO ANOTHER AND
PLAYED THF ENTIRE CIRCUIT By George Ade

eral Cuff led the Grand March at a great
many Military Balls. AT a Banquet cost
ing S per Plate he sat at the Right Of the
Chairman wearing Medals which had been
presented 20 him by the Fourth Ward
Marching Club. in his Address he al
ways defended the Soldier against unwar-
ranted Attacks and protested against
hauling down the Flag al any Time or
Place.
II the Government adopted a new Ma
chine Gun. all the Reporters went over
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

q Nv June Thin comes a long Afternoon
an / tell We Whin tn whistle blows at
6 o'clock October. it's a welcome sound
Il sinds 10 ye'er ears. Ye go home an
all IN childher has growed up an IN
news in IN mOrnin' pa-aper is six
months old. We lie around readin' an
playin' cards fr a month or two an
thin We yawn an set tn alarm clock
fr March an says; Nah. it's the fif-
tenth iv November an time tn chill
dher was abed' an go TO sleep. About
Christmas IN good woman wakes ye
up TO look f'r tn burglar an afther
we've padded around in tn ice foe
fr a week. We climb back into bed
grumblin' an go 20 sleep again. Afther
awhile We snore an tn wife iv ye'er
bosom punches We. What time is it?'
SAYS We. It's a quarther past tn fif-
teenth iv Janooary, says she, an that
siren Nv yeers has been gOin since New
Years day. Al March We ARE aroused
by tn alarm clocks an We go out 10
feed tn seals an / tell We, We need a
shave. IL mus be a Quare sinsation
To wake up In tn mornin' an find that
tn kids We tucked into bed tn night
befure has grown sidewhiskers In his
sleep an his feet has pushed out IN
foot ~ tn cradle. Not f'r my money.
Hiunissy. Tn artic regions f'r thin
that likes thin but give me a land
where ye don't tell tn time iv day be
tn almynac
..But other people is diffrent. TIL
bOldest artlc explorer Is a man that's
made his money out Nv sellin base
burnin' stoves an has chilblains In
July Such a man Is niver continued till
he's started somebody of fr tn north
est north. An he has no throuole to ind
a man. Mex 10 bein' invited on a pri-
vate yacht 10 sail on tn Middyteran-
yam, tn incest thing a millyiOnaire
can do fr ye is to make an artic ex-
ploFer Nv We. TIL prelim'naries is great
spoort. FIT two years ye go around
tn country letch'rin' on What / VIII
See In III Artic Regions Whin / Get
There II at An Finally ye set of with
tn fleet. consistin' Nv a ship fr ye'er-
silf three fr III provisions. two FIR
IN clothes an wan f'r tn diaries.
] They'se also a convoy. TIL business
/ ~ tn convoy is 10 dhrop In at Throm-
soc IN Norway an asst fr news iv We.
| Thr0msoe Is wan ~ III farthest north
places that amy explorer has been.
But IL well repays a visit, bein' a
/ thriVin', bustlln SWede city with a
/ good club. Afther tn long struggle
with tn pitiliss ice machine 1t is very
/ pleasant 10 dhrOp in on this hospital
/ community an come back that night
! be thrain. Wen, as / was sayin', wan
/ explorer starts off in a fur suit an has
! IN time " his life. an tn other ex-
plorer stays at home an suffers tn
. crool hardships an bit:her disapp'int-
ments ~ life in Brooklyn. Lashed TO
his rockin chair. he shivers ivry time
n wind blows an he thinks iv his
hardy partner facin' tn purls iv that
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

ON. F'rfrntous Event. For James
ir7rE iltf vas born % know an the
'.t7s of Human Greatness. Destiny
ta sl. Green Tag on him and nothing
'.- stop him
a-1 nr was only "a years Of age he
.."Nrr. captain of q Volunteer Sire
'.a-li which was a valuable or
-...-t.Nn only when there was a F-ire M
~ ..- md The Key % the House IN
i'rN Kept the Hand Pllmp But
I'D, o-gan Co speak OF him as Car
r. 't.i Ills lntimates called him Cap.
.. .ff Hose Company dishanded his
.-iHs In him and 10 was generally
...- Inat ne had been with Grant al
N.t satisfied with resoundine Tile
N-'h those iu the REGULAR Army
@. sllssle Tor Years. Captain Cuff
A.- Oh siNe Lessons on the Flute al 81
.- an hour. and the first thing he
A-N ar was a real Professor. inst the
~ as he had some zap IN a Balloon
t- some trained Horses Now over
itlNfi- where they grow the English
% student must grind through a
49, ..liSt. and a Fellowship and an
l-. -ttuFSaln before he blossoms into a
-nlrr Professor. Which Only goes
Aa.N that the Real Boy can gain hy
~ stroke ~ Genius Ihe RenoWn for
49, tac ordinary Skates must go forth
James Heary Cuff Al The age OF % was
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

and interviewed General James II. Cuff
about Il. He wrote a Magazine Article
on the Mistakes of the British in South
Africa and likewise got rid Of a few pom
derous Opinions on our Policy in the
Philippines.
When he died the Funeral Procession
was two miles long The Family had 70
erect two Marble Shafts 50 as 10 find
Room for all OF his TUES
MORAL, True Democracy scOrns a
Title unless IL has a real significance
with the Reverse English
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

other Direction Apples Tell off the Trees.
Chickens went On EoosJ at Midday. All
Nature seemed to have been given a Jolt
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28
A True Angler.
youths Companion.l


The natience OF fishermen who really
love the snort is the theme Of many
stories. one Is told bv q man who. tray
cling on foot through part OF England.
came 10 a solitary fisherman. who looked
as II time and the world might pass away
without disturbing his content
Have YOU fished long In this stream p
asked the traveller
Eighteen year" was the calm re-
SDcnse.
Get many bites was the next ques-
ton
The fisherman scarcely turned his gaze
from the rod IN his hands.
Five year ago II this very spot had a
tine bite he answered. hopefully.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

10. 1870. by Robert Howard
RuSselll
TEAM oi Proud Parents had a
son named James Henry Cuff.
On tba pay OF his Birth the
Wind changed ana blew in an
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28
KOLITz'S EXCURSION.
To Ogden, Sunday.

Via Oregon Short Line. Punch and
hot taffy free on trains. Special train
leaves 900 a. M, returning 800 p. m.
Round trip 500.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

WE HAVE ONE OF THE LARG-
EST LINES OF HOSIERY IN TOWN,
AND YOU CAN NOW HAVE THEM
AT FACTORY PRICES.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28
CONFERENCE AND STATE FAIR

Low Rates. Excellent Service.
Via r. u. W.. the fast line from all
points in Utah.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

THIS rs YOUR CHANCE TO GET A
SUPPLY OF STATIONERY AT
ABOUT HALF PRICE.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

washin' on it FIR years an NANNY Nv tn
kids has Skinned up II.
Who'd ye sind?' asked Mr.. Hen
messy.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1902-09-28

Copyright. 1902. by Robert Howard Rus
sellD
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14
Hindoa Weddinxs..

Hindoo weddings usually come in the
hot months, when the families have
leisure to prepare for them, but an as
trologer must select an auspicious day
for the event. The groom is ready for
his preliminary game of diplomacy,
which is scarcely more than bluff"
This Is pretense to visit the sacred
Ganges at Benares and wash away his
sins In its healing waters. Generally
there would not be time before the
Wedding day to complete such a jour
ney when the groom undertakes It, but
the readiness must be shown, and the
company sets out When the brides
father meets them and dissuades the
groom from such an undertaking, he is
very ready to stop. He is assured,
moreover, that his sins have not been
so grievous as to need cleansing before
his nupHals. II the brides father is
satisfied with his spiritual condition,
the young man may need say no more,
but he returns and prepares the thali,
or gold badge, that all married women
must wear suspended from their necks
-Woman's Home Companion.
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14
THEIR JOINTLESS DEBATE.

81 saw by the papers the
other day that a new and
bloody feud had broken out in
the mountains of Kentucky"
said a man from that state.
No one can fully appreciate
these feuds unless he has
lived in the counties where the
trouble is located, There are
many quaint characters in the
mountain portion of the state.
Of course, there are not many
people in Washington who re-
member .Parson' Hopkins.
who was given a seat in Con-
gress number of years ago
|rover Joe Kendall, whose father
had been in. Congress before
the son attempted to come
here.
"'Parson' Hopkins was a
Baptist minister in the 10th
district and was much loved
by his people. The Republi-
cans knew that he would be
the only person who could win
in the contest for that place,
and so they nominated him.
1t was many days before the
chairman of the district Re
publican organization could
find where the parson was.
At last he was located up in
a mountain county conducting
a campmeeting. He refused
to discuss politics until he
concluded his meeting three
days later. Many Democrats
who had never cast Republi-
can vote put in ballots for
'Parson' Hopkins and became
insulted ii they were told they
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14
A Chameleon.s Bite.

The bite even of the largest chame-
leon does not fetch blood. though the
teeth leave indentations. I often, says
a naturalist, provoke them to bite me
in order to observe their habits, and
only once, when one caught me be-
tween the fingers where the skin is
tender, was l really hurt. On this oc-
casion the thing held on so persistently
and firmly that l could not for some
time free my finger. At last I was
obliged to call some one to get it off by
forcibly opening its mouth. Even then
it did not pierce the skin. Its teeth arr
too fine and regular, but the dotted
triangular impression of the little teeth
was very red and distinct for some
minutes.
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14
Too Realistic.


During performance Of captain
Lapalisse' at Valencia theater some
years ago an incident occurred which,
for lifelike effect, left nothing to be de-
sired. During the said play some Of
the actors mingle with the spectators
in order to cooperate from the body of
the house. No sooner had Miralles, the
actor, taken his seat in the stalls than
a daring pickpocket robbed him of his
gold watch Miralles seized the man
by his coat collar and called out in a
deep bass voice:
Police! Help! Thievesw
The audience, taking this little epi-
sode to be part of the performance,
roared with laughter. Even the police
men joined in without stirring hand or
foot.
'aThis is no farce!'' cried the actor in
tones Of despair. ''The fellow has got
my watch!'
The voice sounded SO natural that
the audience broke into loud applause
at "such excellent fooling." Meanwhile
the thief managed to break away from
his captor and escaped.
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14
RailroadtnR Terms,

Railroading terms in England and
America differ very widely. The Eng
lish would speak Of shunting a train.
We call it switching. Freight trains
they call goods trains, coaches are car
riages, conductors are guards, engi-
neers are drivers, trucks are boggles
and freight cars are wagons. The
British always say station instead of
depot, and in that they have the bet
ter of us. Rails they call metals and
tracks permanent ways. They do not
get their tickets at ticket Office, but
at a booking Office, and the smokestack
Of the locomotive Is to them the chin
ney. A railroad man going from one
country to the other finds that he has
to learn an entirely new set of phrases
about his business.
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14
A Blind MANS Perception.

One of the priests Of st. Francis Xa-
vier's church devotes himself to work
among the blind and the deaf and
dumb. He says that. contrary to the
general impression, the blind are pecul-
iarly happy and fond Of jokes.
Illustrative of this, not long since
a blind acquaintance of his whose re-
naming senses, like that OF all blind,
are exceptionally keen, was in room
where were some lady visitors. Final
" one of the ladies' left.
'sWhat remarkably white and perfect
teeth that lady hasr' laughingly re-
marked the blind man.
why, now do You know?" asked
Father Stadelman.
Because for the last half hour she
has done nothing but laugh New
York Times.
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14

were voting Republic We
are voting Baptist, was the
way they put it.
I" foe Kendall had tried every
way possible to get 'Parson'
Hopkins into a joint debate,
but the parson would not COM
sent. One day the parson
went into the town where Ken
dali was to hold meeting and
unexpectedly ran into Kendall.
The latter promptly challenged
the parson to joint debate, and
Mr.. Hopkins reluctantly con-
sented, His terms, however,
were that he should have the
opening. The Democrats were
rejoiced, and declared that
Kendall would wallop sParson'
Hopkins roundly. At o'clock,
the hour set for the joint de-.
bate to begin, the parson was
introduced by the chairman.
'Parson' Hopkins opened the
meeting with prayer. then
read a long selection from the
Bible, gave out a hymn and
read more from the Bible.
Finally he entered upon his
speech. When dark came he
was still speaking, by which.
time nearly all the men had
gone to their holmes to look
after cattle, horses, &C., and as
no arrangement had been made
for lighting the meeting place,
Kendall never did get a chance
to respond to the opening.
The joke was on Kendall"
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14
we1lington.s coo1nes..

"SAAAA8 . SooAAASoDs
The Duke of Wellington was one day
sitting at his library table when the
door opened and without any an
nouncement in stalked figure Of sim
gularly i'll omen.
''Who are your asked the duke in
his short and dry manner, looking up
without the slightest change of coun-
tenance upon the intruder.
II am Apollyon. l am sent here to
kill you"
"Kill me? Very odd.''
81 am Apollyon and must put you to
death"
obliged to do it today?"
81 am not told the day or the hour,
but must do my mission"
Every inconvenient; very busy; great
many letters to write. Call again or
write me word. I'll be ready for you. p
The duke then went on with his cor
respondence. The maniac, appalled,
probably by the stern, immovable old
gentleman, backed out of the room and
in half an hour was in an asylum.
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14
Do Your work Well.

Possibly you think your employer
does not notice you or know about your
work. The writer Of this was talking
the other evening to an extensive EN-
ployer of labor. and he talked most OF
the evening about his workmen. He
knew all about every one Of them, from
the head man to the laborers, and not.
ed their good and bad points. Don't
forget that your employer knows all
about you. When he needs new fore
man or superintendent, he knows the
one to select-Atchison Globe.
The Redwood gazette., 1902-05-14
Leaves Used For Paper.

Leaves Of trees were used for writing
purposes very early by the Egyptians
and probably by the Greeks. The Him
docs continued the use of this material
until within few centuries Even at
the present time books OF leaves are
not uncommon in the south of India
and the island Of Ceylon. The leaves Of
some Asiatic trees, from their size and
sm0othness, are admirably adapted for
books. II we may Judge from the name
.1eaf" being still applied to the paper
Of books, we should imagine these
leaves to have been formerly the prin-
cipal material IN use.