Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1902-07-12
PLAN DIDN'T WORK

with the damaged left eye and the sorely
scratched proboscis "the next time any
body gets mussy with me, or get mussy
with anybody, so that mix IS bound
to happen, Pm going to get the swift clutch
on a couple OF half bricks or a pair OF
rocks and do the best business I know how
with them-It's one sure thing that I'm not
going to use any more of the advice OF
these blamed idiots who write about how
little man may thrash a big man by scien-
tific methods-how the merest puny midget
may put a gigantic piano mover out OF
business by employing just few rightly
executed punches. I've got mine good ana
plenty on several occasions by reading the
hasheesh cummings Of those fellows, and
hereafter I'm going to grab a-hold of the
first hard thing that comes handy, ana see
what can do.
"'Long bout two years ago read GER
tain sure-thing- astounding screed alleged to
have been written by Robert Fitzsfmmons,
about how a small, weakly man could
easily put 1t all over weight-lifter ana
all-around lnmberman by putting into ex-
ecutiOn certain little system. The red
haired pug said that all the little man had
to do, when he was getting the worst OF
an argument from the big man. was to
snatch off his (the understood mans cap
with his left hand. suddenly clap it over the
face of the big man, and then give the big
man swift punch in the stomach with the
right. This, said Fitzsimmons, would so
surprise the big man that he'd topple back
ward and thus put himself in position for
whole repertoire of punches from the small
man, with the inevitable result that he'd
go down and out, and the small man 'ud
be in shape to stand over him like ban
tam and crow lot.
That's great and practicable scheme
said L to myself whenI read it. 1t looks
bully. These big buffers that've been
crowding me for so long had sure better
watch out now, or I'll macerate them up
plenty according to the tenets and terms of
this new small mans Hoyle
WELL, my little old chance drifted along
after while. A big skate-kind O fat, he was,
and puffy-looking, too-was leaning against
pole along the avenue, and 1 thought he
was just about the right one for me to try
one of the those scientific mixes with. So
1 edged alongside of him, and. pretending
that it was accidental, came down with the
full weight Of my right heel on his toes.
He gave howl. and started at me.
yanked my derby from my head with my
left hand and started to cover up his face
and blind him with it SOS l could get in
that swift right punch at his stoma ch-but,
somehow or other, his face didn't happen
to be in the right place just at that psyche
logical moment, as it were. That fact, of
course. rendered the rest of my plan mop
erative. and-well, let's let bygones be by
cones
However. I thought I saw another
chance to get hunk with the oyergroWn
lubbers of the world when. few months
later. 1 read Of another system whereby a
small man might crush the frame and
spirit of large one. This system consist
ed in the small mans getting In the first
lick. and very sudden, at that II the
small man. this poppy-trance read, when
he finds clash inevitable, suddenly shoots
out his left hand at close range and catches
the overbearing big man right square in the
pit Of the stomach the blow naturally
doubles the big man up, so that he has
to bend forward. which of course fetches
his head right within range.
Ihen all the small man has to do is to
suddenly plant a blow with all Of the
strength of his right fist square on the Jaw
OF the big man, which is bent over in per
feet position for the blow. and down and
out the big man is bound to 60 thus insur-
ing victory for the smaller contestant This
nit me as being much more scientific and
plausible method than the other one and
waited my chance to give it a proper test
got the chance about a week later on the
porch of a road house outside of this town
accidentally threw cigar butt on his
trousers while was standing right in front
OF MIN. and when he made some sort of a
remark about Whffets getting CAV with
grown people, I made that swift reach for
his stomach with my left hand I caught
him there, too. but, oddly enough. the stub
porn brute didn't appear to want to bend
forward with the impact of the blow. Thus
Offering me his chin to punch hard with
my right. Instead Of doing that he stood
straight up passed me a swift swat on
the ear with his right hand, and then grab
ping me with both hands by the slack Of
the back Of my coat, the miserable ruffian
carried me over to the rail of the porch
and dropped me into a pool of muddy water
on the ground below. I got the boot from
everybody. Of course, and this dishear tened
me some after picked myself I'D and went
away to think it over.
But L went after the game once more
only yesterday, and all you've got to do is
to look me over, that's all. 1 read that the
undersized man. involved in trouble with a
Dls one, has only to deliver hard kick on
the shin of the big man. with causes him
such excruciating pain that he can't lick a
snat- knew. myself. how much it hurt
TO have a fellows shin kicked and this
plan caught my enthusiasm in a hurry 7
resolved that I'd give it try just for luck
anyhow, and l waited for the right bie
man 10 sail along my way. Saw him yes
terday He was leaning against a tree box.
thinking II over, up on 14th street and as I
passed by MIN | thought 1 detected a sar-
ionic grin on his face as I passed him az
II SrihnlnS at my hat, or necktie or some
thing walked right up to him and kick
ed him as hard could on the shin-wel
look at me, that's allv'
Didn't work. eh?" said the listener.
No; darn it all. the COMPOUNDED big Iub-
per hao wooden leg and that was the shin
that L kicked! Then he reached ont and
got me and pasted me this blue eve and
RUBBED my nose in the gravel-yes Won "a n
put IL down as the SWEETEST and safest gam
pie that you ever saw that the next time
l see trouble a-coming it's going to be me
TOT the Jagged rocks or the haIf-brcks or.
better yet. bjee. a swifter sprint off the
scene than Arthur Duffy ever made since
| ne went into training-you hear mew
Spiral Car Springs.
| Irn