davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Press., 1902-06-26
unconscioua Humor.

with the unconscious humor OF the
schoolroom and the examination we
are familiar, but in this respect the
prayer meeting and the board meeting
that doles out parish relief remain al
most untouched sources of fun.
Recently trembling old lady at
Camberwell appeared for parish relief.
.sBut what is your son" she was asked,
that he cannot support your" "Please.
sir" she replied, hes only a million
aire." Amid the ensuing laughter they
learned that what she meant was COM
missionaire.
Also quite recently at a prayer meet
ing where the worshipers wished for
the restoration to health of some friend
one Of them prayed, 20 God, restore
unto us our brother If it doth not in
terfere with thy perquisites." The sit
uation was saved by the exclamation
Of an intelligent listener: "Halleluiah!
The Lord knows what he means!-
London Chronicle.
The Press., 1902-06-26
Hnman Hollowneaa.

If we look on the doings Of man
with merely worldly eye and pierce
below the surface of character, we are
apt to feel bitter scorn and disgust for
our fellow creatures. We have lived to
see human hollowness, the ashes of the
Dead sea shore, the falseness of what
seemed so fair, the moldering beneath
the whited sepulcher. and no wonder If
we are tempted to think Friendship all
cheat. smiles hypocrisy, words de-
ceit," and they who are what is called
knowing in life contract by degrees
as the result of their experience hol-
low distrust of men and learn to sheer
at apparently good motives-that de-
moniacal sneer which we have seen.
aye, perhaps felt. curling the lip at
The Press., 1902-06-26
The Solemn Quaker.

At the funeral of a lawyer of state
reputation who lived and practiced in
town not far from Philadelphia and
who was known among his friends
thereabout as an unbeliever an emf
nent gentleman from Philadelphia
reached the house after the minister
had begun the sermon. Not knowing
how far the services had progressed,
he accosted a well known Quaker of
the town. who was friend of the de-
ceased and who was noted for his great
sense of humor, and. leaning over his
shoulder. asked in whisper:
what part of the services have they
reachedY' ~,
To which. the Quaker, without a
smile. replied:
"Just opened for the defense. Phil
adelphia Times.
The Press., 1902-06-26
Sensible Selnshnes@.

When you are paid off Saturday
night. why not use the money in add
ing to your own comfort? Why divide
it among lot Of people who care moth
ing for you and who live easier than
you do?
Why play the slot machines. with
three chances out of four against you?
Why pay a high price for liquor
which actually harms you?
A lot Of things around your home
need repairs, or, If you are bachelor.
make your room more comfortable.
Sensible selfishness is a good thing.
If you have money to give away, give
it to your wife or children or keep 1t
yourself. -Atchison Globe.
The Press., 1902-06-26
Milk and Crackers.

Encyclopaedia Britannica. which was
written by DR.. T. K. Chambers, an en-
inent authority, the information is CIV
en- that DR.. Cheyne, well known Eng
fish physician, spent sixteen years in
the prime of his life without suffering
or loss of vigor, while he succeeded in
preserving his health and strength, on
daily allowance of only three pints
Of milk and only six ounces Of crack
ers. Through all those years he also
kept up constantly the active practice
Of his laborious profession.
The Press., 1902-06-26
nThe Lady or the Tieers.

Once, referring to ''The Lady or the
Tiger?' Frank r. Stockton said:
81 cannot answer the question. for
have no earthly idea myself. really
have never been able to decide whether
the lady or the tiger came out of that
door. Yet must defend myself. Peo-
pie for years have upbraided me for
leaving it mystery. Some used to
write me that had no right to impose
upon the good nature of the public in
that manner. However, when started
in to write the story 1 really intended
to finish it, but it would never let itself
be finished. l could not decide, and to
this day have, I assure you, no more
idea than any one else"
The Press., 1902-06-26
Took 1t Literally.

A gentleman, wishing some bushes
removed from his garden, told his gar
dener to pull them up by the roots.
Some time after he went into the gar
den and found the gardener digging
trenches round the bushes.
"Why. George" he said. 'you need
not dig round those small bushes in
that way. am sure you are strong
enough to pull them up by the roots"
"Oh, yes. sir" replied the gardener.
II am strong enough, but I must dig a
little before can catch hold of the
roots. If you had told me to pull them
up by the branches. could have re
moved them"
The Press., 1902-06-26
CoIorleas varnish.

Colorless varnish for use on fine la
bells or other prints. as well as for
white wood and other spotless articles.
is made as follows: Dissolve two and
one-half ounces of bleached shellac in
one pint Of rectified alcohol; to this
add five ounces Of animal boneblack.
which should first be heated, and then
boil the mixture for about five min
utes. Filter small quantity of this
through fltering paper and If not fully
colorless add more boneblack and boil
again. When this has been done, run
the mixture through silk and through
fltering paper. When cool, it is ready
for use. 1t should be applied with
care and uniformity.
The Press., 1902-06-26
why the Church Wa. Crowded.


A certain little Flemish watering
place much frequented by English and
American visitors has two attractions,
q Presbyterian church and a roulette
table. At recent service in the church
it occurred to one of the pillars" that
it might be lucky to play the number
of the hymn after the sermon at the
roulette table. So he stole out Of the
church and did SO. 1t happened that
the number of the hymn did turn up,
and the lucky coup became the talk of
the village for the rest of the week.
Next Sunday the church was cram
med to the door. The pious pastor was
rejoiced in heart. After powerful ad-
dress he gave out hymn No. 27.' The
moment the words left his lips. to his
CONSERVATION, there was a rush to the
door, and he was left with a faithful
handful to upraise their agitated strain
of praise.
AS for the rest, they made bee line
from the house of prayer to the house
of play. 1t is said that their little ad-
venture cost them all very dear.
The Press., 1902-06-26
THIRTY YEARS AGO.
june III. 1879.

T. p. Needham has bought Of 3.
Needham, building LOT 66x132 on the
south side of Westford Ave, east Of the
small stream crossing that street. He
has also purchased of the same party the
new barn on the opposite side Of the
street, which he purposes to Immediately
remove to HE own lot and convert into
tenements.
The first game between the Eagle base
ball club of this village and the Beavers
of the Hollow, played last Saturday re-
suited in favor of the former club, 7 to %.
The following Ia the score:
The Press., 1902-06-26

Everybody said had consumption, /"
whites Mrs. A. M. Shields, of Chambers
burg, Pa, Il was so low after six months
of severe sickness, caused by Hay Fever
and Asthma, that few thought / could
get we'll, but learned of the marvellous
merit of DR.. Kings New Discovery for
Consumption, used it, and was complete
ly cured" For desperate Throat and
Lung Diseases it Is the safest cure In the
world, and Is infallible for Coughs, Colds
and Bronchial Affections. Guaranteed
bottles SOC and 81. Trial bottles free at
Eaton's drug store, Stafford Springs, and
w. p. Fuller's store, Somers.
The Press., 1902-06-26

to the rear of the church. Here storm
door, built inside. made platform ten
feet from the beams. He carefully
swung himself down, then dropped
from the platform to the floor. Next
she saw him come up the aisle to the
chancel.
Her heart beat fast What would he
do? She would never pay the price he
demanded Cor her deliverance. She did
hate to be bullied. She had never
thought Philip could be such bully.
Yes, that was the very word.
In the dusk she could see him work
ing over the ladder. Finally he raised it
to the wall and placed it securely with
in her reach.
.You can come down now" he said
CURLY as he turned his back, "but il
you will wait minute or two will be
outside the building. and you will be
safe from annoyance"
He walked toward the rear of the
church. A quick gasp followed him
through the gathering shadows; then
as he neared the door he heard the rus
tie of feminine skirts. and voice called
entreatingly:
'Phil. dear Phil. wait just a mo-
ment."
He turned. A whirlwind Of golden
hair. warm, tremulous lips and coaxing
arms threw itself into his embrace.
"Phil, dear, thought you were going
to force me to be good and make up.
If you had, I'd hated you, but
"And noww
What followed only the paschal
lamb, smiling benevolently from his
post above the altar, could tell. And
he smiled in just the same set way two
months later when Philip and Mildred
walked down the aisle, with Mildred's
white gloved finger marking the page:
"The Form Of Solemnization Of Mat
rimony."
The Press., 1902-06-26
European Coins

The standard coins on the continent
are: In France, the franc; In Spain, the
peseta; in Italy, the Ira; In Holland
and Austria, the form: in Germany,
the mark; in Russia, the ruble.
Belgium and Switzerland use the
French name for the piece of 20 sous.
Each of these pieces is, like the Amer
lean dollar, divided into 100 parts, call
ed kopeck in Russia. pfennig in Ger
many, kreutzer in Austria, cent in Hol-
land, and in Italy, France and Spain by
the word meaning hundredth.
The Press., 1902-06-26
origin of Dunning.

During the reign of Henry VIII. there
lived in Lincoln. England, a famous
bailiff named Joe Dun. Joseph was
very clever in the management of his
business and so dextrous in annoying
those who refused the payment of an
account with which he had been in.
trusted that Ito set Dun on him" or
Ito Dun him" became common advice
to the owner of a bad debt. To THU
parsonage we owe what to not few
people is the most disagreeable wore
in the language.
The Press., 1902-06-26

Two little girls leaned over the fence
that incloses the playground of the Lit
tie Wanderers home. says The Chris
tian Register.
"Oh, myv' said one. "Don't they
have good time? If should be an
orphan, am coming here.''
"Oh," said the other, 1.-THE one at Rox-
bury is ever so much better. I would
go there if were an orphan"
81 wouldn't" replied little girl No. I,
"'cause in this one I'd be near papa
and mamma"
The Press., 1902-06-26

Natives in the countries inhabited by
great apes regard them always as hui
man beings of inferior types. and it is
for this reason that for long time it
was found impossible to get hold Of an
entire gorilla skin because the savages
considered it religiously necessary to
cut off the hands and feet of the ami
mails when they killed them, just as
they do with their enemies, possibl.
for the purpose of rendering them
harmless in case they should by any
chance come to life again.
The Press., 1902-06-26
Snlad PIanta.

The salad plants contain no apprecia-
BILE amount of nutrient and are not
esteemed for this reason by those who
recognize their value and deem their
crispness and cooling properties an in
dispensable part Of the ideal dinner.
The nature of their component parts.
along with the oil. acids and condi-
ments used to dress them. makes them
most, useful aids to the digestion.
The Press., 1902-06-26
The First Gla.. window.

The first glass window in England
was put up in an abbey about the
year $50. Glass windows. however.
did not become general for many hun
dred years. and as late as 1879 the
glass easements at Alnwick castle. the
Duke of Northumberland seat. were
regularly taken down when the family
was away from home.-Notes and
nuorioS
The Press., 1902-06-26
The PeopIe,s DELIGHT.

Bolivar Il don't see that you an
swered any of Jellaby's argument in
your speech. You simply pitched into
Jellaby.
Silvertung-I didn't mean to. Didn't
you see how my address took? People
generally would rather hear a man
abused than to listen to replies to his
arguments.-Boston Transcript.
The Press., 1902-06-26
Filthy temples i'm India.

Sacred cows often defile Indian tenn
pies, but worse yet is body that's pol
luted by constipation. Don't permit 1t.
Cleanse your system with DIR. Kings New
Life Pills and avoid untold misery. They
give lively livers, active bowels, good d.
drug store, Stafford Springs, and w. r.
Fuller's, Somers.
The Press., 1902-06-26

Miss Brighton-What lovely watch
fob. Mr.. Borem! L. your watch equal
~ pretty?
Mr.. Borem-Here it IL.
Miss Brighton = What, II o'clock!
Why, l had no idea it was 90 late. had
you ?-Chicago News.
The Press., 1902-06-26
Titles.

Reginald-My father had d. d. put
behind his name
.Iimmy-Dats nuttin'. Dey took me
father to de alcoholic ward an put D.
I. behind his name.-Philadelphia Rec
nrd
The Press., 1902-06-26
A waated CompIiment.

.Lily-You don't mean to say you
have broken with Fred? Why. heard
him say only yesterday there wasn't
another girl in the world like you.
Minnie-That's just it; much as to
say I'm a freak. I'll never speak to
him again.-Boston Transcript.
The Press., 1902-06-26

Remember that you will never gain.
but always lose, by being afraid to do
the thing that seems to you right, by
following the crowd without cultivatr
ing your own individuality. LADIES'
Home Jurnal. T''5 Y. 4 ~ ts8'''
The Press., 1902-06-26
Hia Knawledre.

81 suppose. Mr.. Casey" said the pas
senger to the Irish pilot. ''you know
where all the rocks are along this
coast"
Faith, Oi do not" replied the pilot.
but Oh know where they ain't."-Phil-
adelphia Press.
The Press., 1902-06-26
Short Measure.

"What am l so mad about ~ repeated
the popular actress. with flashing eye.
Il only got three bouquets. that's
what!'
But" said the manager. 'you surely
didn't expect more"
"Of course l did. l paid for five."-
Philadelphia Press.
The Press., 1902-06-26

Manager-What sort Of a role do you
think you would like?
Stranded Actor-Well. several of the
Vienna brand and a cup Of coffee
wouldn't be bad for a starter.-New
York Times.
The Press., 1902-06-26

Gardener-Here, sir, are O few dead
trees that will have to be felled.
New Owner-It's too bad to lose them.
why not raise dried fruit ON themf-
New York Times.
The Press., 1902-06-26

Helen-What an old crank old Wrin.
kles is for a man who is reported IA
being so wise:
Maud-Yes. a sort Of cross wise.
The Press., 1902-06-26

It is the desire to beat the other fell
low that makes man get along.-Chi-
cago Record Herald.
The Press., 1902-06-26

Born Stafford Springs, June "a, 1879,
a daughter to Benjamin Labontie.
Married. Stafford, June 90, 1879, by
Rev. G. V. Markham, Wilbur F. Durham
and Etta Leach of Union,
The Press., 1902-06-26

The choicest apple is always just be-
yond your reach.
The Press., 1902-06-26
Coronation Blunders.

There were all sorts of blunders made
at Queen Victoria's coronation, and the
queen never knew what she was to do
next. They made her leave her chair
and enter ST. Edwards chapel before
the prayer was concluded much to the
discontinue of the archbishop.
The ruby coronation ring, according
to the rubric, should go on the fourth
finger. In this case the ring had been
made for the little finger, which the
queen accordingly held out when the
proper time came. The archbishop re-
fused to put it on that finger and said
it must go on the fourth. The queen
demonstrated, declaring that she could
not get it on, but the archbishop insist
ed that it had to go. Accordingly the
other rings were taken off, and the
new one was forced on with such pain
that as soon as the ceremony was over
the queen had to battle her finger in ice
water to get it off.-Saturday Evening
Post.
The Press., 1902-06-26

Angry Guest-I've been waiting three
quarters of an hour for that steak Or
dered!
Waiter-You have an uncommon
amount Of patience, sir.-Boston Post.
The Press., 1902-06-26

If you make mistake, do not dwell
upon it. Take note of the reason of it,
and endsavor to profit by it's contained
The Press., 1902-06-26

BEST KNOWN" FLOUR

Along the line OF the Central Vermont railroad.
He has handled this flour In a small way for the
past year, and finds It what its name implies.
He has just received two cars OF It and will sell
to any family one barrel, as an advertisement,
for "a. 60. The regular price, $500 per barrel.
Every barrel is warranted TO be satisfactory or
money refunded. 'tSay that flour is all right"
Is the expression of one OF the merchants who
has commenced selling this flour. A postal card
will receive our prompt attention.
You don't have TO go to the city to get prices
on Grain and Feeds. Go to West STAFFORD to the
Broadway Mill and get prices that will make you
smile, or send postal card for prices on Corn,
Meal, Bran, Mixed Feed in fact anything In the
grain and feed line.
c. n. aRADW AX.
West stafford. Feb. 18th. 1902.
The Press., 1902-06-26
FOOD IN FRUIT SKINS.
Nutritive Qualities In Them Believed
to BE a Brain Food.

"
to BE a Brain Food.
There are more nutritive qualities
hidden in the skins of fruits, cereals
and vegetables than the average per-
son is aware of. In fact, the great
bulk of the brain building foods are in
the skins Of the fruits and vegetables
we eat
If, as Savarin says, "the destiny of
nations depends on their food" then
the destiny, whether a healthy long
life or insanity or suicide of every unit
of the United States depends on how he
or she is fed.
If the breed so much depends upon
food, why should not every person ca
pable of normal thought seek to pro-
cure such food as best sustains his or
her normality? Brain starvation,
through the lack of suitable brain and
nerve nourishment in our daily food,
stimulants to supply, as they do, arti-
icially and Improperly what nature
has provided in a natural form in the
skin Of the grape, which contains the
best part of the wine; in the skins of
all fruits and vegetables, and if not in
the skins Of the cereals, how comes 1t
that stimulating properties are extract
ed from them, as the inner kernel,
the starch, is devoid Of anything other
than heat giver?
1t has been proved by chemical anal
ysis and demonstrated by microscopic
experiments that the most valuable
brain sustaining properties are resi-
dent in all skins of cereals, fruits and
vegetables, and as an instance of the
great difference to the health resultant
from partaking or rejecting the skins
here is an incident that occurred in
India, as told by an Indian officer:
A regiment was stationed in part
Of the country where grapes were the
chief article of food. The officers, one
after another, became SO sick as to be
invaded as unfit for service, but it
being considered remarkable that the
troops were all well commission Of
inquiry was instituted, when it was
found that while every trooper in eat
ing grapes swallowed the skins the off,
GERS followed the fashionable habit of
rejecting them. 1t was then ordered
that the officers should swallow the
SKINS which was done, with the result
that they Immediately recovered.
Thus it will be seen that the skin of
the grape. besides being brain feeder,
possesses other healthful and nutritive
qualities necessary to the sustenance of
the human body. The reason why as
paragus, cabbage, string beans, lettuce,
spinach and other green vegetables are
SO wholesome is that the skins are not
rejected.-Our Friend.
The Press., 1902-06-26

c. p. HRADwA X.
West STAFFORD, Feb. 18th, 1902.
The suburban citizen., 1902-03-29
Bring Your own Ability,

If one brings the ability, the world
will provide the opportunity. Sooner
or later, If we go the right way about
it the world gives us a fair rate oil
exchange for ourselves. But, Of course,
much depends on how We place our
goods on the market.
Gifts in themselves are not enough.
We must know how to manage our
gifts. More than half OF success lies
in the proper management of our gifts.
The gifts are hardly moro important.
OF course, there are people who expect
success, without gifts, or work, or any
thing; idle malcontents, who seem TO
think the world Is IN debt TO them
for honoring 1t with their presence,
thriftless camp-followers in tic battle
Of life; n strange race OF men and
women, at whom one can only look
with curious wonder.-Success.
The suburban citizen., 1902-03-29
Che Mnde Her Wants known.

A well-known citizen Of Milwaukee
who resides just beyond the conhiles
of the city. where he is able 10 combine
the utilities of urban life with his
suburban surroundings. recently en-
gagged a French maiden Of uncertain
years and more uncertain Gntecedents
as a domestic in his family. And then
he shutted before his friends in the
proud consciousness Of having 4
French cook at his country villa.
This well known citizen also has a
son. a boy Of eighteen; one Of those
rolllcking, good-natured fellows, full
of fun and laughter Recently his
strapping boy arose at a, m. to do
the chores, curry the horse and fodder
the COWS, when he was met upon the
Threshold of the kitchen by the French
cook. who. with Tin kettle in one
hand. and a tablespoon in the other.
began to rattle the tinware and ex-
claim;
"Codai" "Coffa"
whats the matter with you?' ex'
claimed the boy in astonishment.
But the answer came back in meas
ured tones, with tinkling tinware as an
accompaniment:
"Cofta" "Coffa"
When the boy had about concluded
that the woman had lost her reason and
become a lunatic Of the most danger
Gus class, and was making tracks to
get out of the way, she squatted down
in the corner, jumped up and dancel
about the room with the accompani'
ment:
"Clack- -clack- -clack! Ciack-a-dackj
| Clack-clack- -clack. Clack-a-dack"
Then he grasped the situation in all
its fullness of detail.
The French cook wanted An egg tc
settle the coffee. And she got it
Milwaukee Sentinel.
The suburban citizen., 1902-03-29
The Sun Is Seldom on Time.

The sun does not keep good time. He
Is almost always too fast or too slow.
Once about the middle Of April he is
just on time, then not again before the
middle of June. At the beginning Of
September he joins the clock a third
time, and lastly once more late in De-
cember. Now it would seem as If
he were startled at the way he had neg
lected u.s. In February he fell back un-
til he was fifteen minutes late. By the
beginning of March he had made up
five minutes of his loss, and before
the month is over he win have caught
up to within FIVE minutes of the sched.
ule Meanwhile the days bavc been
growing longer very rapidly. We be-
gin March with our nights longer than
our days. We end it with our days
longer than our nights. In the one
month we have added to the length Of
our day an hour and twenty minutes,
bigger gain than any other month can
show.-Professor f. G. Schmucker, in
the Ladies' Home Journal.
The suburban citizen., 1902-03-29
rHE rRluMpA or SUCCESS.
The energy that goes 20 waste
r ...a,.,. ..,.... -. 49,. 4 -. Il n.,,o,

The energy that goes 20 waste
In every summer thunder shower
Should in a cell be straightly placed
For use as light, and heat, and power.
The unscored music of the spheres,
The songs the morning stars intone,
When moduated in amperes,
VIII entertain by graphophone.
The horseless cavalry will wheel
Like clockwork on tn asphalted plain,
The cannon be automobile,
The warriors sword memory vain.
The automatic pistols need
But to be pressed and pointed right,
When, 10! entire armies bleed
Or prudently fade out of sight.
The sun that shiris on rainy days,
The moon that's but three-quarters seenl
Must furnish ohms, instead of rays
Or give way to acetylene.
IA
And ye-yield place We patient sparks,
"That nightly climb the ancient sky"
To incandescent stars, or arcs,
By wireless currents fed on high.
-Harper's Weekly.