River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1902-09-04
Two Farmers Who
Fooled With Nature
Sd THERE never was more per-

Farmer Ezra Baler to the corl;ef
grocery convention. Mary a new
thing got a-past Uncle Jabe. He'd
have filter at it whether 1T was
a flynn machine or the latest wrinkle
in the higher criticism.
Every time new fool squared the
circle Uncle Jabe'd get to work fig
urin' how he could turn his ten-acre
lot into a race track and not leave
no corners hanging over; and he
hadn't more'n read about appendl-
citis when he got pain under his
s'pendcr buckle that wouldn't give
way till he took it to the city hos
pital fer a operation.
''They had the old boys appendix
hangin' en- the line next day. wa t
nothin' wrong with it, but Unble Jabe
said he was better off without it any
way. Twas only extra weight, he
said, an some day wanderin' germ
would have crawled into it an then
it'd have been all day with Uncle
Jabe.
Across the valley from Uncle Jabe
lived old ST Beetle. 81 was about a
hundred, more or less, but he was a
lively old bird. An up-to-date? Why,
old ST was so up-to-date he used to
take n a daily newspaper.
''He was the only man in Buckaloo
county could keep in sight of Uncle
Jabez BOneset for pergressiveness.
Mostly it was pretty tight race be-
tween 'em. If one got ahead OF the
tother any way, the beaten one q
stink aroun' like licked cur till he
could get even.
"Why, after Uncle Jabez put I'M
keel into his 12-foot, flat-bottom row
boat hat he speared cells from, old
ST lost ten pound of weight. And it
lust sent Uncle Jabe to his bed when
ST had one o. them yellow fever mos
quitoes sent him from Cuby, an kept
the critter in a box fer the neighbors
to look at.
'Honors had been pretty easy up
to last summer. Then Uncle Jabe
got a pamphlet in the mails that
made him skip like a cat in catnip
bed 1t was from the United States
agricultural department and told
about bringin' rain by shootjn' off a
new-fangled cannon.
"This cannon was kind of sta
tionary blunderbuss. You pointed
her at the sky and filled her up with
powder, and blazed away for awhile,
and pretty soon the clouds would
begin to come up and there'd be a
nice. hard shower.
"Just what I've been wantin',
says my uncle. My melons needs a
little wettin',' he says. L can make
one o. them things easy as fryin' lard
out of pig He could, too, for he
was real handy about carpenterin'
and such like. I'Il make on to-day,
he says, am if this pernickety clear
weather lasts I'll load up tomorrow,
he saws, AN shoot a shower out of
the clear sky. Reckon I'll surprise
that old fogy, ST Beetle, some
"While he was buildin' his rain gun
old ST Beetle acrost the valley was
purity busy. Some Teller had sent
him a pamphlet on weather maxim.
Maybe twas the same Teller that sent
Uncle .Jabe his'n.
"'Tennerate old Sis pamphlet de-
scribed a cannon that folks in Italy
had been usin' to spoil hailstorms
They planted their batteries toward
where the storm was expected an
fired at the clouds until they just
naturally busted and let down the
rain or hail, or whatever it was.
"'Suits me- says old 81. My grapes
is doia' fine, this nice, shiny weather
I'll iust set out a few of them artil-
lery over back on the west hill an
the next cloud that shows it's nose
there, I'll shoot the stuffin, out of it.
Wonder what old Sticllin-the mud
Jabez Boneset, IL think of that for
a twentieth century notion he says.
There wasn't nothin' small about
his way of doin' things. While he
was at it he made ten of them can
mons an planted 'cm over on the hill
to the westward. 1t cost him lot
of powder to load 'em up, but he was
well eff an, anyhow, he never
'grudgcd money to carry out a new
tangled idee.
so here was Uncle Jabez' rain
perducin' gunpowder outfit on one
hillside, an not more'n a mile away
battery of storm-busters, an neither
of 'em KNOWN anything about the
other.
Next mornin' come an not cloud
in the blue. Uncle Jabez sized up
the situation, and says he to the
patch on the lef' knee: Here's where
we perduce some weather. says he.
Tibet is, if there's any weather with
in shootin' distance. AS pants the
hart fer coOlin' streams saws Uncle
Jabez, quotin' hime tunes, so pants
my melons for a likely shower, and
I'm goin' to fetch 'em one or prove
the agricultural government of these
United States a plumb liar says he
Accordingly he numbered his
weather battery and fired a bunch OF
salutes in the face of the vauItin
heavens. 1t so happened that s.
Beetle was in town that day an
heard the perceedin's.
what in carnations tibet racket,
he says.
"'Thet?' says Joshua Mannis. 'Oh
I reckon thet's Jabez Boneset dom {
Ieetle gunnery. When I was drivin
apast ] seen him loadin' up some
queer-lool1in' guns
"'Jabez Boneset. hey?' says S
Beetle, chucllIin' fit to bust rib
Firm of guns, hey? S'pose he's jes
walked up an thinks it's Independ
ence day. Thet's just about how up
to-date old Jabe is says ST Beetle