The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1902-09-15
Special to the Scranton Tribune.

Special to the Scranton Tribune.
Susquehanna, Sept. 14.-Uncle Sam
my Raymond, an aged resident of
Steam Hollow, is noted for several
things, among them being the possess
or of a fenceless farm, and an inor-
dinate appetite for apple-jack. Uncle
Sammy is baldheaded, and year ago
when he proposed to the widow Cog
gins, she instantly turned him down
with the remark: "Tll be hanged If /
ever marry IA bald-headed man If he's
made Of gold"
And the unhappy Sammy went his
way, keeping his spirits up by pouring
spirits down. Three weeks ago Uncle
Sammy hitched up his fiery, unfed
steed. drove to Great Bend, and pro-
ceeded to paint the quiet hamlet Il
bright red hue. Late at night kind
hearted saloonatc piled Sammy upon
his blackboard. and headed his mus
tang toward the Steam Hollow slashin'.
The next morning an early riser
found Sammy's steed nibbling bur-
docks upon a side hill. 1t was har-
messed and the neighbors at once in
stituted a search for Sammy, for he
was valuable--he could vote, and he
never saw a man go thirsty so long
as he had a nickel
To the great joy of the Steam Hol-
lowers. Uncle Sammy was, after a long
search. discovered imbedded in the blue
mud of a cranberry marsh, a mile from
his home. The upturned wagon was
his coverlet. He was deep in an alco-
holic trance and oblivious to the world
and it's pitfalls.
Sammy was carried home to his
cabin. With a physicians help and
the widow Coggins' tender nursing, in
a week he was able to sit up, swear
and drink apple-iack. To the wonder
ment of the Steam Hollowites and the
great joy of the widow Coggins after
the swamp muck had finally been re-
moved from Uncle Sammys scalp, there
came luXurant growth of auburn
hued hair, and his appearance has been
improved 2!6 per cent.
News of Uncle Sammys miraculous
experience with blue swamp muck has
spread abroad and scores of people are
wearing skull caps filled with the
muck, and the owner of the swamp
is deluged with orders for boxes of
the soil. A number of manufacturers
of hair restorers are, in consequence,
going out of business. and Bingham
tom wig maker has turned evangelist.
Uncle Sammy and the widow Coggins
will be married when the red is on the
pumpkin and the tassel's on the corn
THE SUSQUEHANNA COURTS.
The Susquehanna Associa ton of Uni
versalists held a meeting at Brooklyn
on Friday, Saturday and today.
There are but three prisoners in the
county iail.
Mules are being returned to the
Lackawanna coal mines from Susque-
hanna county farms
1t is said that, under certain condi-
tions, the Bell Telephone company will
connect their wires with the Northeast
ern company's lines.
The Montrose fair will be held on
Tuesday and Wednesday next.
The Hartford fair will be held Sep
tember 24-25.
The annual reunion of Company r.
Seventeenth Pennsylvania cavalry, was
held at the residence of Stanley Stone.
in Franklin township, on Wednesday
last
The annual reunion of Corps II. One
Hundred and Firty-first PENNSYLVANIA
regiment, was held on Wednesday and
Thursday last at the home of Nj. G..
Hill, in Jessup.
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM
History of too many coal strikes:
Mines, miners, minus.
A Montrose editor says it cost him
six months rheumatism to catch a six
inch fish. This is true fish story.
ella Jane writes: IF the coal strike
doesn't end, what shall l burn next
winter?' Begin with burning your
love letters.
II you cannot whip man, be lenient
with his faults.
Every man In the county would be n
millionaire If he would work with half
the energy that his wife does when
she starts out to catch a bit of gossip.
The problem of life: How to make
one dollar do the work of two
These are the days when the school
children are wishing the teachers would
boil the lessons.
IN PARAGRAPHS.
In New Milford, on Thursday ball
game between Montrose and New Mil
ford broke up in row. A good MANY
ball games ought to be settled by ar
bitration.
Erie Hose company, No, 1, and the
Susquehanna band on Thursday parti-
cipated in the annual parade of the
Port Jervis fire department. BY COM
mon consent the Fries were the best
dressed and best-drilled company in
line.
The younger members of the Penn
sylyania State Grange contemplate
making a heroic effort to infuse new
life into the organization, which, in
decade, has fallen in membership
from $4,000 to about 1900. The conven-
ticn to this end will probably be held