Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1902-04-26
THREADBARE JOKES

Now that we've got a pretty good run
ming start and have loped easily around
couple of the mile posts of the twentieth
century," remarked the man who looked
pretty much at ease with himself, Il should
say that there's no better time than right
now for the elimination. not to say the alb
solute obliteration, of about three-fourths
of the standard and standing newspaper
jokes of the dead-and-gon twentieth CEN
fury. There's a certain large bundle OF
funnyisms that should never have been
brought forward to the twentieth century
at all. For example. we don't throw boot
jacks at the yowling cats on the back fence
any more, for the most obvious of all rea-
sons, namely, viz, that few of us have clap
ped an eye on a bootjack for matter OF
twenty-five years or more. Nor do we eX-
tend unto the wives of our bosoms the re-
proving eye in these days for, not sewing
buttons on our shirts, again for the per-
fectly simple reason that few if any OF US
have worn shirts with buttons sewed onto
them for long number of years. We don't
find the picnic custard pie filled with ants
nowadays, because the picnic habit is
thing that passed out long since, except In
the exceedingly rural districts. We don't
froth at the mouth any more-lf, indeed,
we ever did-over the prospective visit OF
our nother-in-law, for the simple reason
that all of US that have got the sense we
were born with have found out that moth
ers-in-law, taking them as a class and In
large, are a mighty fine institution, ana
that they take our end of 1t against their
daughters, our wives, In about four cases
out of five The sitting up-with- a-slck-friend
funnyiSm always more or less OF a
stretched affair. for the reason that not one
man in a million ever sits up with SICK
friend-there are always kindly, minister
ing women folks, God bless EN-. around to
sit up with the poor chaps that are SICK.
These are only few of the shriveied
Jokes that have served their little turn ana
that should now be forever folded away or
thrown on the dump Another of these out
worn jokes, and the one that started me 81
on this little monologue, Is that ldlot1c gag
which derides the culinary performances OF
the young woman who has taken a course
of training at a cooking school L can
say outright that that joke always was
based on a misrepresentation or somelhlne
worse, for my own knowledge or the re-
suits of a cooking school training mas only
been derived within the past couple of
years. but in my opinion that joke was
an utterly groundless and foolish affair
from the beginning.
1--WE got a couple of grown daughters
that took their little course together at
cooking school, and those girls take turns
In getting their dads dinner for him-thelr
mother has dropped out of the running al
together, being a wise woman and perfect
ly able to perceive how completely out
classed she is by her girls in the cooking
business Well, the dishes that those girls
frame up for these dinners are about as
fine I'd be willing to gamble, as anything
fashioned and contrved in the culinary line
this side of Delmonico's. If l got any bet
ter things to eat than those girls with their
cooking school training, set before me-
wouldn't be able to stand 1t. Long years
ago I used to swear by the cooking of my
mother as most fellows do, and then, when
l got married and broke my wife in to my
little kinks In the eating line, ] gradually
grew to believe-again, like most fellows
that wife had the whole SklrteQ WOrlu
beat to death when it came to cooking and
serving the right kind of food. But when
these two girls of mine got through with
their cooking lessons and began to put the
results of their culinary education in front
of me, had to put up both hands and de-
clare to myself that I'd really never tasted
anything good to eat until they'd cooked
it for
Il used to plume myself upon the fact
that 1 was old-fashoned enough to care
for only the kind of table fare that is called
plain and substantial but if ! had to eat
that species of food now l think I'd be
about the sorest individual in the District
of Columbia The fancier those girls put
the stuff before me now the better their old
dad likes it And they don't give me any
thing indigestible or calculated to set me
up with the govt, either. Their culinary
devices all founded upon hygienic prin-
ciples, and now l often wonder how l ever
got away with the plain and substantial
food without dying of dyspepsia. They
often set things before me that I dom
know the meaning of at all-that is, I've
no idea as to their composition or ground
workout these things are all bully to eat
all the same, and as long as that's the case
it's not my business to ask any questions
That's why say that the musty and
probably neyer-WaS true cooking school
joke should be corked up and put away on
the topmost and busiest shelf alongside of
the rest of the frayed and fraZZled hurnor
Gus remnants that broke into the new CEN
fury by mistake"