The Bamberg herald. [volume] (Bamberg, S.C.) 1891-1972, 1902-12-18
Hustlinss Of Rural Town.

Hustlings Of Rural Town.
EDITOR The BAMBERG HERALD
Some time ago your correspondent at
HartZog, Mr.. J. w. r., scored his fellow
townsmen through your columns for be-
ing lukewarm and below par in patriot
ism and the good roads movement. We
have fine roads all over this country,
which could be improved some of course,
and the distance to Bamberg probably
shortened, for which we will all 60 our
quota in patriotism and enthusiasm.
We like to 60 to Bamberg for several
reasons principal among them is that
you have good market for country pro-
duce, fine selection of the goods we
want at rock bottom prices, and the SER
vice of courteous, genteel, and accommo-
dating statesmen, all of which goes into
the making of town. But Mr.. j. w. T..
does not seem to realize the great improve
ments going on around him, and is evil
dently totally ignorant of the fact that he
is not any longer a citizen of HartZog,
but vital factor in the hustling metrOp-
oils of Rural Town. We draw the line
at the Hunters Chapel road, and all that
vast and fertile section below is daubed
with the epithet of Rural Town. This
change has been worked by the patriotic
efforts of our citizens. Since our daily
mail service began on rural route No. 2
from Branchville, ,wearenowre receiving our
mail daily, hot from the wires from all
parts of the country time enough to be
served with soup for dinner. Our wide
eyed picaninnies are disturbed from their
diversion Of making mud pies in the road
BY the strident voice of our mail carrier
saying, make way for the United States
MALL"
We are going to lay out our town in
SQUARES, octagons, hectagons, oblongs,
and straights, light and heat to be fur
nished by gas, of which we have an un-
limited supply, the cheapness of which
can defy the competition of the outside
world for countless ages to come, and
ours has the great and priceless advant-
age of being cheap, harmless and efficient.
There is no danger of asphixiating the
inmates of our dwellings and institutions
should they carelessly retire without
turning off the supply or blow it out as
is sometimes done. 1t is not a derlyatlve
of petroleum or coal oil, but. the real
human sort, which we are utilizing.
Probably you may see how an observant
neighbor could receive light or "enlight-
ening" from his gassy fellow-man, but
can't understand how the heat is to he
furnished, and it is equally as simple.
When two or more of the gassy bipeds
congregate they at once begin in moder-
ate way to test each others gas capacity,
the law of supply and demand increases
competition and individual effort until
the whole crowd are hot. This is all that
l am willing to tell you gratis" as
we are contemplating taking out patent
on the more intricate and minute tech
nique of our system for which We expect
the public to pay in the coin of the realm.
"Prices aad literature sent on appllca-
tion."
Our farmers are mostly through gather
ing their crops, which were fine this year:
They arc sowing an unusual quantity OF
small grain, which looks fine. We have
an unusual number of fat hogs to kill for
our bacon another year, and especially is
this applicable to Rural Town, and in
this connection we arc also developing
an industry which speaks well for the
| inventive genius and patriotism of Rural
Towns people. From the hogs we make
bacon, lard, backbone, sparc-ribs, blood
and liver puddings, sausage, souse, ETC.,
and the hair is used for fertilizing Irish
potatoes. We are going to catch and
utilize the squeal. When you syank
holt" of hog on cold morning, with
hot water, axe, knives, and other butcher.
ing armamentaria in his full view, he
does quite a lot of loud, fine squealinlg
| Now, we propose to catch this sound by
means of an Edison recorder and store
away by means of rolls of sensitised and
primed parchment an unlimited supply
and manufacture machines of all sizes
with central cylinder and coil spring
and a thumb-mash similar to a bicycle
bell, with capacity for holding from ten
to fifty yards of concentrated hog squcal
the sound or intonation of which is to bt
intensified one hundred times its natural
velocity by means of very tense steel vi
brating cords so placed in the machine as
to give the desired effect without materi
ally increasing either the bulk or weigh,
of the machine These we expect to sell
to be used on bicycles, street cars, auto
mobiles, SC. People who are ordinarily
hardened to the sound of bells, whistles
gongs, &c, and hardly pay any attention
to such warnings, will readily jump six
feet when bicyclist turns on about one
foot of concentrated hog squeal behinC
him. This business we expect to charter
under the name of the Rural Town Con
centrated Hog Squeal Co., and will be en-
tirely separate from our gas industry, ant
knowing you, Mr.. Editor, to be man full
of patriotism and in hearty sympathy witt
home industry, we expect you to subscribe
literally for stock in our company.
| Mr.. ]. w. r. does not bring all of these
great improvements to the attention o
the public. Now, Mr.. Editor, it may oc
cur to your mind, as am comparative
stranger to you, to give my communica
tion a soft berth in your waste basket, ri
YOU have one," but if you don't it may
happen that keep you posted on towr
affairs down here. LA.ACCOON.
Johnny" said the teacher, addressing
| hot ho