The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1902-12-20

he's old, he's solved it thousan' times
in a thousan' different ways an still
he don't know tn answer.
IT'S forty year since l see We dancin
hornpipe at ye'er weddin.'. FIR forty
year we've been studyin' tn charackter
iv tn lady iv ye'er choice, an her own
How NANNY times dive put down tn
pa-aper an look acrost tn table an
say: Who's that sthrange, quare wo-
man acrost firm me? I call her Mrs.
Hinnissy, but who tn divvie is she
What do know about her or her about
/ me-? They'se thirty inches iv oilcloth
between We an eighty million miles an
| / don't know how nanny years iv diff
f'rence. Ye know about as much iv her
as we know iv tn sun. Ye know whin
she gets up in tn mornin' an whin she
sinks to rest at night. An thin again,
p'raps We don't. An. she knows less
about we. over her knittin' needles
she's sayin': I wondher who me frfnd
| is, tn OF la-ad with tn naked head
| an tn neck like a plumbers file. He's
| a sthrange crather. He's got logical
mind. He can tell at a glance where
ca'ar is goin' to- he always faces for'ard
| whin he gets off tn platform, he amt
afraid iv mice, cows or ghosts. What
SUI ~ AdNJCdlCo pig - iiC.
Some time arly in his life ivry man
writes a book entitled All there is to
know about women in wan volume,
thirteen pages, includin' a biography
an pitchers iv tn author Afther
while he puts in wan iv thin little tags
that always goes at tn end iv book
iv acc'rate information: 'E-eratum: In
tn foregoin' volume, on pages wan to
tin, FIR sis" read sis not and FIR sis
not" read sis" On tn other pages
WHEREVER els or "is not appears. sub
stichoot maybe" or .'p'raps" or eth
Lord on'y knows Whin a man tells
We that he knows about women, don't
asst him amy questions in tn higher
MATHEMATICS iv tn fair sect. Asst him
how woman sticks a hat-pin into her
head without KILN hersilf, why she al
ways smootheS her dhress down whin
she stands in front iv a fire, an why
she on'y ates whin there ar-re men ar
round. woman will load in ivrything
in sight if a kind an manly eye is
watchin' her wurruk, but whin she's
with other women she takes a cup iv
tay an a pickle. Why is it? If tn ex-
pert don't know that, how can he ex-
pict US to believe he knows about tn
gr-reater things? If he don't know ad
dition, how can he know compound
fractions?
TITS tn same with tn gr-reatest an
tn Taste iv US. TIL more we know iv
men, tn less we know iv tn contrary
sect. Take that OF boy Socrates that
Hogan talks about. There was a man
that was as wise as a mountain or an
Oh elephant He knew more thin 1
think know. Men whit hundherds iv
miles to hear him talk. He ladled out
wisdom an information be tn bucketful
to wan an all. He niver tur-rned
stranger firm tn dure without givin'
him full meal iv knowledge. But whin
it come to handlin' an ordhinry, plain
wife or termygant, as tn wurrud is in
Greek, he cud get pints firm bridge
finder. He had such a tough game iv
it that whin tn authorities suggested
that tn drinks was on tn state, he
dhrained his cup iv pizen with a wink
iv tn eye an said: Don't be sorry FIR
me, boys. I'm not going home tonight
II guess about thin. I guess they
| don't live in tn same wurru1d as men.
It seems to be tn same wurruld but it
amt tn same at all. It's a wurruld
| where all tn clocks ARE wrong an
| where they'se no such thing as dis
lance. It's peopled with ghosts, dhress-
| makers an princes. TIL other day
| r-read in tn pa-aper that a German
prince has advertised f'r an American
| girl, white preferred, who wud be will
| lin to exchange three millyon dollars
| f'r the opportunity to bear tn proud
but thirsty name iv Prince Otto Fin
kelstein Zum Rathskeller an later on
yen see that Prince Otto who is known
among his frinds as Fink, has bor-
rowed coat an come over on a. tank
steamer to wed wan iv Cincinnati's
fairest bellies. Why does she do it?
There ARE plinty iv American men ar
round who wud take her in spite iv the
money. To show that they loved her
for hersilf alone they'd agree to spind
the fortune In a year. Amy wan iv
thin cud tell her that Prince Otto is
on'y German afther all. In tn happy
home life at Rathskeller he Iaves tn
prince part iv his nature out iv dures If
1t isn't hung up at pawnshop, an is
plain Otto who loves noodles in a thick
soup and uses pocket comb on his
whiskers afther dinner.
But she don't see it that way. They
amt anything in tn books she's read
that teaches her that tn object iv a
fair young American heiress' life is to
be led up to tn big jump be tn cham
peen prune preserver iv tn wurruld. I
stand by tn American man. He's a
fine fellow. He may be short iv wurruk
3, on polite conversation, but he can shoe
horse. As manufacturer iv soap.
bottles, hair-ile. Steel billets an spring
mattresses he has tn effete European
away to tn bad. He has circled tn
: globe with canned meat an in far-ofr
Ind, as the sayin' goes. his pitcher is on
r tn labels " tn talcum powder an
/ tn pork an beans ready to eat. How
is it possible that amy wan cud pre-
4 Ter decayin' sign iv nobility who
wuddn't know tn difference between
4 snort rib sides an number two harsl
Z winter wheat? Alonzo Blinks is a good
man. At the daily meetin' in the Quick
d lunch room he's tn life iv tn party. II
}, mis- pants bags at tn knee, he has a
heart w oak. If a glance at his boot
gives We at wanst an outline map iv his
Il Dig toe, he can figure out interest in