davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
Looking on the Bright side.

An ex-mistress, meeting her ex-do-
nestle, remarkably capable woman.
finding that the latter had turned
washerwoman and had married the
noodle of the village, said to her:
"Oh, Sarah, why ever did you marry
such a stupid MANI"
"Well, ma'am," was the reply, "you
see. there's a deal of carrying in our
trade, and if hadn't "a married he
! should have had to keep donkey"
-Tit-Bits.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
Life,s Lahor

Manhattan-How careworn old
Scadrocks looks.
Broadway-Well, it is no wonder.
After spending 80 years walking the
slack rope of commercial success, he
is now trying to climb the CREASED
pole of social distinctiop.-N. X.
Sun.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
The Pastoral Visitation.

Il hope you try to be a good little.
girl, Kitty
Eyes, sir. Sometimes l think I en-
JOY goin' to church most as much as.
l do chocolate creams" = Chicago
Tribune.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
A Vile Conundrum.

Cri1usonbeak-Do you know why a
good man is like bad oyster?
Yeast-I'm sure | don't.
"Why, you certainly know that it is
hard to keep good man down, don't
you? '-Yonkers Statesman.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
Too Compliment,

First Sweet Girl Graduates it
true, dear, that you are going to
marry Mr.. Heep?
Second Sweet Girl Graduate-Oh!
no! dear, I could never bring myself
to marry an adjective.
First Sweet Girl Graduate-An adj
jective?
Second Sweet Girl Graduate-Yes,
dear; thing that agrees with me in
everything, you know.-Ally Sloper.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15

trial conquest of the world. The
period of settlement of the newer
parts of the world has been sue
ceeded by the period of commerce,
and the period of commerce is to
be succeeded by the period of in
dustrialism. The development Of
mines, the building Of railroads,
the organizing of vast agricultural
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
Sound Logic.

| The man that hath no music in his soul
| Is fit for treason, stratagems and spoils;
| But he who whistles coon songs all day long
Is fit for naught but death by oil that
boils
Town Topics
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
So He Will.

The air is slowly warming up,
Spring poems are on tap once more,
And soon the festive messenger boy
Will begin to shut the door.
Chicago Daily News.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
Willing,

'You understand, if Mrs. Borem
calls, don't care to see her.
eyes ma'am. If you'd like me to
snub her, I think l can."-Puck,
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15

Graphter-Well, don't you see I'm
not the same person who contracted
that bill?-Catholic Standard and
Times
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15

SWELL, madam, you've got your
wish-you've married a rich bus
band"
mo, dear, I've married rich mar,
but poor husband" Ally Sloper.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
An Ode.

Hail, geddle sprig! OBJ thee Isig,
Thou season full OBJ glee!
Avaunt with widter, subber, fall,
Give geddle sprig for me!
Puck.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15

The democracy of the United States engaged to-
geher with Germany Great Britain France
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15

Bill-But I dunno the bloke's adj
dress!
'Arry-Can't yer write and arsk i'm
for it?-Tattler.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
The Fish.

At breakfast it was rock cod; it was hall
but at lunch;
AT dinner barracuda was the name;
It was smelt or sole or something new each
time 1t reappeared,
But the fish observation-disclosures just the
same.
Los Angeles (CalO Herald
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
"Get Married."
BY HENRY CLEWS,
Banking off Henry C1ews G. CO.
BY HENRY CLEwS.
HIS is about marriage.
Head of the Banking House of Henry &c

aE6zkzzA1 HIS is about marriage
i Much OF it is based upon my expert
ence, for the sole purpose of making my words
as effective possible.
Generally speaking, young man, if you
to be really successful in the development of
S:::: character, in the attainment of culture
the broadening of synpathies, in becoming
*@#iXszz1TS better and therefore happier man,
E%H s9k1aA MARRY.
F:~s:s DO IT AS SOON AS YOU CAN SUP
$H2 PORT A WIFE.
u1AVN4S4 Then years later you will be thanking me
X&seS#6 and everyone else who told you be sensible
W/9:::::a1es5T Here is my case-merey prove my
III SeSEES1 interest in the subject:
q - married twentyev years ago. you will
~O note that have had experience When
ried assuredy the to-day in Wall
fighting for living had bear all the prvatons
incident to the beginning of a career downtown
My wife had been accustomed wealth establishment
Yet she did not dsdan to share comparatively lot Be
had fairly good income compelled keep up
and but that position realize the
shifts to which he be reduced order keep his
Now here is the point emphasize chances
are will be your experiences My wife aided in to
success only good wife Children HOLD
THAT A CHILD IS ALWAYS A SPUR TO A MAN. I know
that the birth of each little urged
That is the with who worth anything the world
just think about married acquaintance
such is the fact.
For lstrationM Horton president Western
Union often told that he began married life $3.50 year,
that took his wife six months to the for their first
carpet
Now there is example all girls and men to follow
1t is unhapply true | appreaend THAT GREAT MANY
WOMEN IN THESE DAYS LOOK OUT FOR WEALTH AND
DEMAND WHAT IT PRODUCES ALL THE TIME. They must
expensive dresses they also want excessive uxr Such
women not nrequenty lack real love of home life They simply
upon husband a convenience.
Please note here that do advise young just starting
out in life with only moderate marry kind of woman
Yet do not altogether blame the kind she is
the fault of modern existence Women that good
mothers naturally unselsh and unseh usually
good wife,
My advice to young men is MARRY THE RIGHT WOMAN
AS SOON AS YOU CAN AFFORD TO TAKE FAIRLY GOOD
CARE HER. and only increase your expenses in living as
from to admit of doing So
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
The Inevitable Doubt.

That arbitra ton is the cure
For every Ill, they say.
I'd like 1t more If l were sure
They'd arbitrate my way.
washington Star.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
A Wax Out

Tailor-see here! This bill has
been starding since 1898.
Graphically dear sir, don't you
know that anatomists say man
changes entirely every seven years?
Tailor-What has that to do with
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1902-04-15
Little Charities fermentation

I'm such boy to wear out clothes,
/ skip about, and dance.
Now, If l were little dog,
I'd not wear out my pants.
Chicago Tribune.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
Full Dress.

a belated traveller, who was com.
PEELED to stay all night in backwoods
cabin, says that soon after the frugal
supper Of s'sody biskits" and fried
"side meat" swimming in grease, had
been eaten, q tall, gauut youth Of
about 1s and an equally sallow and
gaunt girl Of II, both barefooted. took
their hats from wooden pegs in the
wall and prepared to go out, where.
upon their mother, taking her pine
from between her yellow teeth, said
reprovingly:
go long en- wash your feet, Levi
yor an Looly both! Haiu't YOU
'shamed to 60 of TO an evenin' party
without ~ashin' your feet?"
They obeyed, but as Levi took The
washpan from o bench by she door ht
said With grumbie:
I'D bout as soon stay home f:ou
party as to have to fx up SO for hit. >
Detroit Free Press.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
Chemical Erect OF llohtnlno.

lightning works chemically as
well as mechanically. It has the pow
er Of developing Q peculiar odor,
which has been variously compared
TO that Of phosphorus, nitrous gas
and most frequently burning sul-
Phur. Wafer mentions a storm On
the isthmals Of Darien which DIFF
fused such a sulphurous stencil
through the atmosphere that he
and his marauding companions
could scarcely draw their breath,
pan dcnlarly when they plunged into
the wood. The British ship Mon
tague was once struck by elobular
lightning, which left such q satanic
SAVIOR behind it that the vessel seem-
ed nothing but sulphur, and every
q man a was suffocating. = Chambers
Journal.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
THREE CHINESE EABL Es.
Stories That illustrate the literature
OF the Country.

~
Stories That illustrate the Literature
OF the Country.
Chinese literature, almost un-
known to western peoples, is rich in
parallels and fables. DIR. wv. "a 2
Martin in his book, stThe Lore Of
Cathay," gives several which may
not be rs good as Esop, but are
greatly superior TO those Of somo Of
his mQdsrn initators.
a. Hgen who had never seen. an
ass was terrified at the sound of his
voice and was about 70 run away
when the donkey turned his heels
and prepared TO kick.
II that is Jour mode Of attack" I"
said the tiger. eI know how to deal
with You"
In another fable the donkey gets
even.
A tiger captured a monkey. The
monkey begged to Ne released on
the score Of his insignifcance and
promised to show the tiger where
ne might find a more valuable prey.
The tiger complied, and the monkey
conducted him to a hillside where
an ass was feeding, an animal which
the tiger had never before seen.
"My good brother" said the ass
to the monkey, 'shitherto you have
always brought me two tigers. How
Is 1t that you have brought me only
one today?" .
The tiger fed for his life. Thus
q ready wit wards off danger.
The principle Of the next fable
the Chinese always apply to their
European instructors in the art Of
war.
A tiger, finding a cat very prolific
In devices for catching game. placed
himself under her instruction. AT
length he was told there was moth
ing more to be learned.
Have you taught me all your
tricks ?"
eyes," replied the cat.
"Then," said the tiger, 'eyou are
Of no further use, and SO I shall
eat you"
The cat, however, sprang lightly
into the branches of q tree and
smiled at the tigers disappointment.
She had not taught the tiger all her
tricks.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
Luat SHARING Ealr.

TIVE children, q girl of about
eight and a boy Of six, were left in
st. Pauls churchyard while their
mother went into the old church,
The youngsters wandered about the
burying ground looking curiously at
the old tombstones until they came
TO one that was nearly hidden by
laurel wreaths.
The little girl regarded these srib-
ntes intently for some moments,
then carefully picked up one Of the
wreaths and handed it TO her broth
er. Taking second wreath herself,
she started down q path, her brother
toddling after her.
Coming to q neglected looking
grave, she carefully placed the
wreath upon IL, and, taking the 9th
er circlet Of faded laurel from her
brother, she went q little farther
and laid it ON time worn tomb
stone.
The mother, coming out Of the
cE1rch, saw this and said:
"Why, Ethel, what are you do
ing?"
ding socialist. 'The flowers were
all on one grave" New York
Times.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
Lived In wifs's Tomb.

For nine years an aged New Yorker
has lived in his wife's tomb in the
Evergreen Cemetery. Devotion to her
memory has robbed the once powerful
man Of all his physical strength and
his vitality, sapped by years Of bitter
exposure, is ebbing away. He has
always had melancholy pleasure in
sitting in the tomb by the side Of his
dead wife, and has found his only
happiness Shere, for he does not be-
lieve he will meet her in another
world. Though he lives in the tomb,
the old man does not sleep there. He
leaves the cemetery every night and
goes to little room in house in
Williamsburg. Early in the morning
he creeps out Of his bed and goes to
the cemetery. "Good morning, Mary"
he always says to his wife when he
enters the tomb, just as if her deaf
ears could hear his voice through the
thick walls of her metal coffin.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
When Courtesy Failed.

Senator-elect McCreary, Of K.cu.
tucky, was in Washington the other
day calling upon his old friends in
Congress whom he knew when he rep
resented his State in the House.
"McCreary was fine campaigner,
said Kentuckian. "When he went
the rounds Of his district he kissed all
the babies, praised the cooking Of the
housewives, Judged the cattle Of the
farmers and adapted himself to oil cir
cumstanoes. One night he drove up
to the house Of q farmer to stop eli
night, but arrived after the supper
hour. The good woman of the house
insisted on getting him some sup.
per, but he resisted, and said that
he would take anything cold that che
had.
"She told him she had some cold ham
and cold biscuits and would warm the
coffee.
"'Never mind warming the coffee,
madam, said McCreary, 4 prefer it
cold Next morning at breakfast
the good lady handed him o CUP OF
siokly looking liquid, saying, Cover
nor. you aeemsd to enjoy the cold cof-
fee 80 much I saved some for your
breakfast. "-Washington Star.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
Large Sumo For Old Junk.

a New Yorker vino spent several
days in Washington. recently had his
attention called to the sale Of vari-
.ous collections Of waste made by
the government departments. sI
was prepared to learn that the wnste
iron at the navy yard was sold," he
said. II knew that the waste paper
from the departments could be used.
But didn't expect TO hear that the
scrap iron. bits Of. steel, brass and
other minerals and the old canvas,
cotton, leather and other substances
which might be taken from wornout
mail bags were sold also. Il
'Yet I was told at the postofice
department. the other day that the
amount Of such waste in q year was
enormous and that when the Junk
was sold last year il netted the de-
partment about $4,000. At first r
could hardly believe the story, but I,
learned subsequently that 10000:
bags are worn out In o year and then.
understood where all the iron, can
vas and leather were obtained
Washington Post.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
An Appfeciative Listener.

eyes," said the eminent professor
at social gathering, addressing his
remarks &c sm=!! men tc whom he
had been introduced, "IAatser myself
that I rarely fail to read a face cor
rectIy."
"So?" queT;sd the sInsI! man.
eyes. Now, there is lady" con.
tinued the professor, pointing to q
200-pound specimen Of the fair sex,
"the lines Of whose countenance are as
clear as print to me. The chin shows
firmness Of disposition, amounting to
obstinaoy; the pointed nose, vicious
temperament; that capacious mouth,
volubility; the square chin denotes
trouble for those who oppose her wish
es; the eyes chow a hardness of
heart"
Wonderful, truly wonderful,
professor" interrupted the small
man.
"You evidently know something
Of the lady, then?" said the professor.
"Sure," replied che small man;
'she is my wife" "-Chioago Daily
News.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
Tho Wrong conneeslor.

The telephone girl and the bill
clerk, to whom she had promised
her heart and hand, were sitting in
front Of the fireplace talking about
the happy days to come when they
would be one.
From one little detail to another
the talk finally drifted to the sub
ject Of lighting the fires in tha
morning. On this point the young
man was decided. He stated it as
his emphatic opinion that it was a
wife's place to get up and start the
iires and let her poor, hardworking
husband rest.
After this decision there was a
silence for the space of about three
quarters Of q second. Then the tel
ephone girl thrust out the finger en-
circled by her engagement ring and
murmured sweetly, but firmly:
Ring of, please. You have got
connected with the wrong number. !"
Salt Lake Herald.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
The Woodpeckers siome.

The woodpecker's home is very
Like the hngfshers, but it is dug in
rotten wood instead of being bored
in a bank of earth. Fromt6e great
ivory billed species downzto; the dit
tie downy fellow Of our orchards the
woodpeckers build their nests, or,
rather, excavate them, on the same
general plan. The hole at first goes
straight iuto, the wood. then turns
downward, widening as is desoends,
until it gives room for the home.
It you viii 60 into any bit Of nm
shorn woodland during early spring
and will keep your eyes open. YOU
Will see a bright red head thrust out
OF a round window in some decay
ing trunk or boughs and the wood!
pecker viii sing out, sPeer, peerr'
which always seems TO mean that
his or her home Is q INST conafosta-
BILE and enjoyable place.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
eIsn That Failed.

Up Gin Lexington avenue an en-
terprising music dealer who desired
to call attention to his wares had q
sign painted in artistic white let
tere on black ground and hung It
on his outer well. It read, sfWhat
10 home without p;ano?''
One dark night along CANA q
painter, with material Of his trade
In hand, who either had no music
in his soul or had o cultivated taste
beyond Fagtime and the ordinary
performer, and added q word to the
sign. When The music dealer arose
in the morning, he was surprised at
the appearance Of his sign. It read:
SWhat is home without q piano7
Peace"
The final word was ruthlessly OBJ
liberated and the sign taken from
the outer wall and hung behind the
protection Of plate glass. - New
York Herald.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
James Settled It.

Two boys in rural Scotch district
were one day discussing what sign it
is when the cuckoo is heard for the
first time in the year. One of them
said it was sign of getting married,
while the other said that it vas sign
that you were going to be rich. A
farmer. overhearing them, said:
"That cannot be true, because 1 have
heard it many times, and am not
married yet, and am certainly not
rich." just then o local worthy,
known as daft jamie" was passing
by, and the fsrmer said: "Jamie, can
you tell t what sign il is when you
hear the cuckoo for the frat timer
eyes," said Jamie. as he took his pipe
from his mouth. "It's sign you re
not deaf"
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
FASCINATION or DIAMONDS.
Same Faese From Day to Day see. at
1i1e Cispiay Windows.

same Faeee From Day to Day Seen at
ehe Dispiay Windows.
Diamonds have great fascina-
eion for q certain class of people" !"
said a jeweler to o reporter the 9TH
er evening. "For days at a time I
see the same faces looking ut the
stones in the display window, and
often ONO pssticular diamond at
tracts their a*tention every time
they stop. Asa rule, most Of these
are young men and women. II YOU
stand in the store and watch the
many people who look at our dis
play every day. you will notice that
most OF them come to the window
IN q rusA and after studying The
Jewels fox awhile will walk slowly
away, as If they hated to go. Very
Few OF these persona know anything
about diamonds, but simply like to
iook at them and pick cut The ones
they would like to have.
"a knowledge Of diamonds is
gained only by long experience in
handling them, and hundreds of the
people who. look at the diamond dis
plays cannot tell a bad stone from a
good one.
1T ia fact that sometimes we
see q young girl standing before
the window and actually talking
to herself and occasionally point
ing at the stone which happens ia
strike her fancy. Most Of those
who look in the windows hardly
ever buy diamonds, probably be-
cause they are not able. Our best
diamond customers very seldom look
at the display in tha window. They
come inside and have the clerks
show them the precious stones.
1.-THE other day man came into
our store and bought three hun.
dred dollar diamond in ten minutes
The same day woman purchased q
small diamond from US for S15, and
she was more than an hour in select.
ing the s.one she desired. Wash.
ington Post.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21
Unexpected Answer.

She was e bright young teacher, in
charge Of bright class, composed Of
many foreign children. To increase
their vocabulary she had hit on q
guessing game. She told the GLASS Of
whas she was thinking end they named
the object.
This time che had thought Of the
word birthday, aud the lesson went on
in this fashion:
"Now, little folks. I'm thinking Of
something ycu oil have. You don't
have it very often, just once every
year. Even ] have one. What is itP
LII give you a minute to think and
when you are sure you know raise yeur
hand"
Hands began to 60 up rapidly.
MY" said this bright young
teacher. II really think I have the
best little folks in all this big school.
They all think so fast, and 1 know
they are thinking of the very thing ]
thought. I'm going 70 let Morris tell.
I'm sure he knows
Morris rose to his feet, stood in the
aisle in true military position, and like
shot from q gun in response to the
teachers:
Tell US what it is, Norris" came
the answer:
"A clean undershirt teacher. y
New York Telegram.
The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1902-05-21

- A tombstone marks the dividing
line between here and there.
- Woman never allows her opin-
ions to spell for want Of being aired.
- If girl is foolish enough to tell
when man kisses her he may not Do
it again.
1t is easy FOR anybody to get mar
ried, but it is hard for lots Of them to
stay married.
1t isn't what o man is, but rather
what he pretends to be that makes
him ridiculous.
= Usually when man is failure
he has patient little wife who makes
EXCUSES for him.
Judge mans true worth by
what he has in his heart rather than
by what he has in his pocket.
-T The thread-like line between
happiness and unhappiness is the
shadowy tracing Of imagination.
- We always have our doubts about
the liberality Of the hostess who outs
her pie into more than four pieces.
- All the worlds stage upon
which each actor plays his part
ss.es wh:eh be occupies private hoz.
It's curious the way woman
dresses in winter to catch cold and in
Summer to get bitten by mosquitoes.
- Most women's ideas Of ap "esr-
nest purpose" in life is TO be able. to
make other women hate her for having
more than they have.
- The minister who does not hit
somebody in every aermen has missed
his vocation, or is we'll acquainted
with she contributing members.
The multitude Of sins that is
covered By charity is not TO be mem
toned in the same breath with the
multitude that is uncovered by it.
Owen's-"What's in O name,
anyway" Dunne-''Not much in
yours, old man." Owens-"What do
you mean?" Dunne--"Why, everything
you've got is in your wife's name,
isn't it?"
: Auntie, (anxiously)-"Do you
think you have had the proper train
ing for poor mans wife?" Sweet
Girl-"Yes, indeed. Papa hasn't
given me any spending money worth
mentioning for years. I always get
things charged"
- Rev. Thomas B. Hyde, of Gin
cinnati, urges women to take into
their own hands the matter Of propos-
ing matrimony, holding that many
more marriages would result from
such q course. "Some men," says
Mr.. Hyde, ''are too bashful to pro.
pose, and would be grateful if women
would help them out. Begin imme-
diately, ladies. Marriage is solemn
matter, but single life is much moro
So"