The Laurens advertiser. (Laurens, S.C.) 1885-1973, 1902-02-12

poihC never TO speak OF my friends un
iess can say something good of them. ,
Mrs. WiDks: I" wonder wly IL i,
that people always call locomoliy,
she?'"
MIR. Binks: "I don't know, IN
sure, unless tits because she isn't yooC
Tor much without q man to run her {,
IT, was nearly overcome by gas
again." remarked the man who had
come from the suburbs.
When did 1T occul?"
CAT the usual time. When the COM
pany rendered It's bill"
Congressman Lacey, of Iowa, re-
cehliy received from constituent a
request for some volumes containing
memorial addresses on dead Congress.
men. "There lie nothing l read,5 said
the writer, "that l like so well as these
obituaries"
Doctor" said the inveterate smo-
ker, a" don't, for goodness sake, tell me
That the use of tobacco shortens mans
days, because
But 1T dOes," interrupted the
doctor. Z" i tried to stop smoking once
and the days seemed interminabe.
" L never PRETEND" SAID Col. Still
well, that take alcoholic beverage
for medicinal purposes"
"The subterfuge is sometimes in
dulged in"
I" 1t would not do for me. 1t would
create the impression that l am
chronic invalid.n
wife: "Do you think Tommy dis.
turbs our neighbor with his drum?n
Husbands: Z" I'm afraid so: the man
next door made him present of
nice now knife to-day and suggested
that Tommy should cut open the drum
and spend 'lhe money that is inside.'n
Tit. Bits.
"I told you," said the teacher, aporo-
to Tommy +" that 1 Should
whip you ifyou did not tell your father
you had run away from school, didn't
That's all right" responded
Ibomas. 81 didn't tell him. One Of
your lickins ls a picnic by the side of
one of dad s."
{" Charley, DEAR" said young Mrs.
Torkins, Z" there is one favor want to
ask you. l hope you will realize 1t is
for youi own good and not get angry"
What is it?"
Z" want you to solemnly promise
me that you will never bet on horse
that isn't going to win."- Washington
Star.
New Clerk-You don't look like
man who smokes cigarettes.
Why, never smoked
cigarette IN my life.
New Clerk-You have Just said you
were victim of the cigarette habit.
Employer Il am. My clerks smoke
them.
An lrlshman, who was charged with
stealing watch from fellow -citizen,
stoutly denied the impeachment in
court, and brought counter accusa-
tion agans, his accuser for assault
and battery committed with a frying-
pan. Why did you allow the pro-
secutor, who is smaller man than
yourself, TO assault You without re-
sistance?' asked the judge; I" had you
nothing in your hand to defend your
self with p Bedad, your honor"
SAID Pat. {" had his watch, but what
was that against frylng-pan?"
elf you're hungry" said the chari-
table housewife, "come in and l will
give you something to eat"
Ma'am," replied Weary Willy, the
diplomat, "there ail't nothin' ia like
better, but Pm afeerd."
Afraid of what? 2"
"W'y, ma'am, if was to cat yer
fine coOkin' an victuals I'd eddycate
me stummick up SOS it would't stand
fer wot have to give it regular, an
I'D starve to death. Thank We kindly,
ma'am, but if you'll jest give quarter
instead 1t won't be gettin' me STUN
mick into bad habits. ."-Chicago Post.
A little Germantown, Pa, boy, who
goes to Sunday school every Sunday,
always receives a nickel from his faith
er to place in the collection plate.
Last Sunday HIS father gave him two
nickels, saying:
One is for the Lord and the other
is fUr yourself.''
AS it was too early to start for Sun
day school, the little boy sat on the
porch steps in the warm sunshine,
playing wnh the Two nickes. After a
Will he dropped one of them, and it
disappeared down a crack. Without
a moments hesitation, and still clutch
ing the remaining coin in his clinched
fist, he looked up at his father, ex-
claiming:
"Oh, popl there goes the Lords
nickle."
Rector's Daughter-My father feels
it very much, Mrs. Barker, that you
should leave the church every Sunday
just before the sermon. Don't you
think you might try and stay in future9
Mrs. Barker-I dursn't do it, Miss.
do snore that dreadful when Pm
asleep.
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