Northern Wisconsin advertiser. [volume] (Wabeno, Wis.) 1898-1925, 1902-03-13
NEW CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL.
Last Lesson Tells How to be a Con.
Gressman

gresham.
instructions will be given this week
preparing our students to be con-
gressmen. After you have read this
lesson and faithfully practiced the
pared to go at once to Washington and
take your seat among the lawmakers.
You must secure a silk hat and a
Prince Albert coat and practice stand
ing in front of the mirror in a dignified
| fashion. The first step towards being
a congressman is ability to put up a
good front. That is half the battle.
| Practice talking in solemn oratorical
style
No matter how trivial may be the re-
marks you utter, be sure to say them
as though the whole fate of the repub-
lie was concealed in your words. For
instance, take the words, Il think it
will rain tomorrow" Consider in
what light, trivial tone you are &C
customed to utter those words. Prac-
tice saying them in deep, ponderous
manner. For instance: "I-think-IT
-will-RAIN-to- MORROW" Say this
soemnly about twenty times each day.
After awhile you will have acquired
| an racular form of utterance. and
! then Ill of your remarks will have the
effect of closing all further debate on
| whatever subject you are talking
about.
| Go to a seed store and get a cata-
| logue of all the seeds known to man.
AS congressman it will be one of your
| duties-in fact, one of your most i'm.
! portant duties-to send seeds to your
| constituents. You can do this much
more readily if you have a good
grounding in the first principles of a
seed catalogue.
Practice carrying a small chunk of
| ice in your left trousers pocket Never
use this during a campaign. In fact,
carry patent leather pocket heater
in your right hand pocket so that you
canalways give your henchmen what
is known as the warm or glad hand.
But after you are safely elected and
your constituents are after you for
jobs keep the ice firmly fastened in
the hollow of your hand.
Get suit of good farmer clothes,
consisting of blue overalls. a hickory
SHIRT, and an old felt hat, together with
a good pair of pillow boots. Always
wear these when you go out into the
country. 1t will make the honest hus-
bandmen for you to man.
Rent a half acre of ground some
xxyha ~, &c
get photographed in the act of plow-
ing or pitching hay
Hire four or five small boys to sit
in front of you and howl like Com
anch Indians while you are making
an address. Have the boys throw cab
bage and potatoes at you every now
and then, and also get man with
high, squeaky voice to rise up from
your subsidized audience every now
and then and say. "You are a liar"
You will meet this same high, squeaky
voice and this identical remark so
many times during your campaign
experience that it will be good idea
for you to get used to it.
Go out and speak in boiler factory
when it is in full operation two or
three times a week After you have
been well accustomed to this you will
find after you get to Washington that
the hubbub of the house of represen-
tatives will not discomfort you much.
kissing babies is not so important
as it used to be. Still little prac-
tice in this regard is essential A kiss
of the stage variety will do just as
well, as the parents cannot see the diff
ference and the baby cannot tell. Do
not practice on the housemaid
Send tons of congressional records
to your constituents, and especially to
the country editors. This shows a kind
ly interest on your part, and besides
furnishes your supporters with handy
material for kindling fires.
You are now ready to be a full |
fedged congressman. All that is now
required is the ballots of a majority
of the sovereign voters of your dis
trict. But that is merely a sec
ondary consideration.