davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15

distinguished journalist briskly 1--WE leave all the
style to the fellers from the city. Now what I
do for your"
The looked him over once more as though
she wanted to shatter all her ideals at once and be
done with it. Then she sat down in chair and taking
her Boston bag in her she it carefully
under ner veil she brought pair of spectacles
<'You may have of me and you may not" she
likely, being lit'ry gent you
heard of Up where L live they the Sweet
Singer of Belgrade. I've written all the anniversary
and funeral poetry up there for than years
Now, you needn't to hitehn' round your chair
hant down here to get any of that poetry printed
No, sir I'm here to make business proposition you
There's money in it, Now, you know just well
do that there's nothing suits real mourner
better than to have nice piece of poetry put in
along with the notice of the passing away. Or
else it goes well with the report of the ceremony
know the mourners win always extra copies
to send around to the rest of the family that couldn't
be there
Now, I'm business woman, I see that you're
business man.
The editor pulled and twisted chew from the end
of mighty plug in order to fortify himself.
'And this is matter of bus ness she said. I
do it, I've got funeral poetry right down fine 1
know just what the mourners would like to have said
I'll bet you that Kiplin Teller himself can't write up
an obituary poem that it will suit all hands
I can"
81 hain't any expert poetry said the editor
What driving at, and where do come in?
That's what interests me-.
Its this way explained his caller. when death
notice comes in explain to the that
have connected with the paper the Sweet Singer Of
Belgrade who short notice furnishes obituary poetry
to suit the tastes of all families Prices very
sonable III guarantee that the poetry will suit And
if it suits of course will get orders for
lot of extra papers That's where you will In
for your profits You know for yourself how thing
like that sells extra copies. Now, snow you my
general style, will read a sample. Something
like this done to order would mourner IS
cents That haint too cheap for poetry, and at the
time it is reasonable"
She settled her spectaces on her and read:
90 Mister Ezra Bragdon off and for months
Had been quite miserable.
He got along to the last
That he wouldn't set up to the table
He eat spoon yittes for two months
And Bowker said there warnt question
what he would have to go
Oyer the river into eternal light,
Where there is night
Oh is that is very sad
children lose the only father that they had?
For Tuesday morning just before it come day
Mister Ezra Bragdon passed away.
There that's something cents that mas taken
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
The Modern Fable OF How Aggie had Spells s s 4sss

els there anything can do?' asked her distracted
Pop.
Nothing the Reply. I'VE must let Nature
its Course She will get it in about Three Weeks
In the meantime watch her carefully she
may elope with some Weight LITTER
Truly enough, the Spasm Of Muscular Development
lasted only q Days after which she good Rest
and slowly regained her Health Parents hope
full The Violent Exercise seemed to have worked all
the Art and Actoritis of her System
Just Father and Mother beginning to feel easy
In their Minds awful Thing Off Aggie
dered out Afternoon and happened to stumble
Club Meeting at which Authoress with Gold Specta-
cles did Balancing Act high PEDESTAL Agge
home with the Literary Nicrobe biting every Step
She decided to write Historical Novel and she
thought she had better hurry and get at it before she
too Old So she began to her Clothes loose
had Pencils stuck Back Hair and Ink-Stains
her Fingers. She succeeded in getting acquainted
with some the Lterati Now then she would
bring them up to the House and Feed them. Father
couldn't them at ALL Agsie said Prvi-
lege to meet People who do Things. Father said
of them ought to do Time. The Dealer in Pig
Iron not very Bookish.
about the time that Agie convalescing fir
the Case Literature seized with Social
Reform. She discovered that she had Mission she
going out among the Working Glasses to show
to be Intellectual Mother suggested that she
ectual. nearly 10 Days she uplifting the
Lower Classes Then day she bounced into the
House and said: "Mommer, I going in for Pho
tography.''
Mother groaned but she not greatly surprised.
She getting used to the Fads and Foibles.
Aggie began to blow the House with Flashlights
she converted the Clothes Press into Darkroom
The Premises had Chemical Odor Pictures
all right if the Light had been better they
had been given Time Exposure, the Camera hadn't
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15


amy at all, to vote tn dinaycrat ticket an befure
here month, 1 felt enough like native born
American to burn WITCH Wanst in while mob
iv intiigint coajeens whose grandfathers had bate
to tn dock wud take "a shy at Pathricks Day
procession burn down v churches but they
got tired v that befure long; twas too much like
wurruk.
"But as tell Hinnssy, it's diff rent now. don't
know why It's diff rint but It's diff rnt. 'Ts time
put back agn tn. dure an keep tn savage
horde If that cousin iy expects to cross he'd
bether tear FIR tn ship. In few mnyites tn gates'n
be down an whn th' oppressed wurr1ld hikin'
acrost to tn haven iv refuge, they'd betther put
coupn pin undher their hats fir tn Goddess iv Lib
erty'l meet thin at tn dock with in her hand.
Congress is gon to fix it. Me frind Shunnessy says
so. in yisterdah an says he : tbs time
done mehingo make TIL immigration laws stronger,
he Thrue FIR Miles Standish says l. but what
we do? I'D keep out tn offscourins iv Europe
says he. FWud We go baek% I. Have yeer joke
says he Ills seeryus it was befure ye
come says L But what ARE tn immigrants dom
that's to us?' Well says he, they're
arnychsts, he they don't assymilate with tn
country he Maybe tn countnrys digestion has
gone wrong firm rich food, says I; perhaps
if we'd off thryin digest Rockyfellar an
thry simple diet like Schwartzmester, wuddent
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
By F. P. Dunno.

father an I'm not afraid Nv mesnf An I'm not afraid
Nv Schwartzmeisters father Hnnissy Cabin Lodges
grandfather We all come over tn way. an il
me ancestosses not what Hogan calls rgicides,
twas not because they not ready willin, only
king niver their way. don't believe KILN
kings, meslf. 1 niyer wudye sawed tn block off that
curly potntate that in tn pitchers
town, but be hivns, Preserved Goldfish Shaughnessy,
If we'd begun few years ago shuttin folks
wudden't mind handn bomb king, they wudden't
be enough people in Mattsachoosetts quorum
FIR tn Ant-mperial S'eety,' L But what We
do with TIL ofscourn' iv Europe?' says he. ia scour
thin more says I.
AN so tn meetin' v tn Plymouth Rock ASSOCIATION
come to an end. But if We wud like to get together,
Deacon Hnnssy to discuss tn immigration question,
III sind out hurry call FIR SchWartzmester
caney an Ignacio Sharbaro Nes an Petrus
Gooldvink, an We'll gather tonight at Fanneinoviski
Hall at tn corner v Sheridan an Sigel sthreets
tn pilgrim fathers is requested FIR bring interpre-
ters.'
We'll" said Mr.. Hennessy "dvve TIL bit care.
ony I'm here foorst, an 1 ought right to
keep tn bus firm bein' overcrowded."
Well said Mr.. Dooley, "as a pilgrim father on me
gran nephew's side don't know but ye're right An
theyse wan way to keep thin OUT
Whats that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
Teach thin all about instichoochons befure they
come" said Mr. Dooley.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
PLAIN TALES IN PROSE AMP VERSE;

Around the garden beneath the stars
An yowed her scales an notes an bars.
She'd jest got started in that ere style
When up to the winder come Uncle Sile.
Twas dretful hoorah for Goffstown Flats
An he burned the haslets of them ere cats
He reclxined theys started an al-nght fight
An he wouldn't git chance to sleep a mite.
An jest mad mad could stick
He throwed his boot where the squalls were thick.
1t went as true as a ten-inch bumb
An it knocked her stiff an straight an dumb.
Now the doctors that her voices wreck,
For the kink won't leave her neck.
They tried at first to blame old Se
For dom her up in that ere style,
But Sile braced up, all hot and pert,
Says he, SHE'S lucky to be jest hurt.
My usyal style when cats ker-whoot
Is don't throw nothin', but up an shoot.
An if folks play pussy in Goffstown Flats
They take same resks as the reel old cats"
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15

her to entreat respite for Hhe went to thu
caspdor in distant expecorated copiously
Then he back and said
"As sort OF snapshot judgment, I should say that
the idea would hit the public don't suppose you
shave the price any more?"
81 don't think ought to-" she said plantively Tvs
put it right down to living basis"
well don't know but III make hitch with you"
last admitted the editor 81 reckon I've
long enough know about what the public demands.
and I keep up with the procession. Get your
machine oiled, and I'll tend to this end
Thus it about that the latest literary partner
ship formed at Chase's Corner Try the Sweet
Singer Belgrade mertuary lyrics and other special
Prices low the lowest and satisfaction
guaranteed
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15

were in town pushing the sale of Ameri-
can agricultural implements One Of
them said to me: Sir, have been all
over the United States, and this is my
third summer visit to do business In
Omsk. l tell you Siberia is going to be
erotheT America He also told me that
three years ago he sold only forty reap
1,50O, and next year he proposes to put
ont 4,000. His firm is doing a good trade
because it is first in the field. The gov
ernment is buying their machines, and
getting repayment by instaIlments. Al
together there are eight American agri-
cultural implement manufacturers rep
resentativeS In Omsk.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
PHEBE AND IcHABoD.

~ Illus was rown it early an late.
~ ,ssi s: ' "a st ' Big
That the makeup of Aunt Phebe Pratt.
Shed give it to Icfabod, hot-ptcf-andtar,
Yappin he to the house;
AlluS hankerin after jar,
Allus was ready to kick touse.
But Ichabod he calm a lamb,
Never talked back her. no, sr he
Reckn' that would rip out DAM
But the mildest that ye
He'd an he'd whistle an whistle away.
Waitin' patient ontl she got through,
She'd HDrat We, answer! but lex he would say,
Mother, yere talkin plenty for
Who-o-o, Who-o-o.
Who-o-o, who-o-o!
Nothin to say, mother, istnun you"
Phebe is dead an has to her rest:
Icnabod lives in the house all alone;
L lonesome because, so it's guessed
He still hears the echoes of Aunt Phebe's tone.
It's reckoned his used to the elack,
He somehow ruther still thinks she is there;
Kind of imagines that Phebe is back,
An still is a-goin it, whoopty-tear!
Or p'raps she mas ranged it by long distance line,
From her latest location, Above Below,
To keep up her reg'lar old yappin' an whine,
fear the old will at last have a show.
he sets there an whistles an whistles away,
Whenever there's nothin in special do;
An once a while he'll look up an he'll say,
Mother, ye're takin plenty for two.
Wno-o-o, who-o-o,
Who-o-o Who-o-o!
Nothin to say, mother! Lstnun to you"
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Copyright by
Walter B. Guild.
HOW MINNIE MoRANG LOST HER VOICE.

HOW MINNIE MoRANG LOST HER VOICE.
R ID INNIE MORANG had vowed that she,
EN If spunk could do it, would sometime be
"a An opery singer of wide
~ And bring some credit to our old town.
She pitched right in, s'r, good and stout
An sQealed an hollered like all git-out
She said that the experts all agreed
Twas about like workn' a boss for speed,
This trainin' voice; an the truly great
Vocalists practiced early an late
So she footed 'er up-hurroo, Murray;
She sqealed an she squaled blame nigh all day.
She said she done it to fill her tones.
But 'cording to notions of old Bill Jones
1t warn't no voice that ye'd want to FILL
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
HE MORTUARY LYRICIST.

@N HE editor of the Chase Corner Compendium
proof press and the foreman said that he
doing his thumb. He had damned it in the
" bound to lose his nail. A thin-featured
woman with veil tied around her hat, and carrying
Boston bag well stuffed with papers, in. Sac
red-faced man holding end of rag in his
teeth while he wrapped the other end around his thumb
my man." said the arrival, where is the editor
Of the Compendium
"Waw, wo-o-o,' mumbled the editor between the
cenched teeth that held the rag.
81 failed to catch your remark
"Waw, woo-o-o, n 4 hay
He released the of the rag from his mouth
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Els Fayorite DOCTRINE.

do you believe in reciprocity"
81 do answered Senator Sorghum. 81
have always been a strict advocate of
reciprocity have suffered great deal
of harsh criticism because of my belief
in that line, but nothing can shake nay
belief that there is no use in doing some
thing for another person unless he is
able and willing to do something for
ou'-Washington Star.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15

81 shd hey' the darned thing OUT says Bill.
But, Land O. Goshen, Min Morang
Jest minded nothin' but sang an sang.
She never tried to sing tune,
But morn an ev'nin, night an noon,
She practiced run and scale an trill
With SQUALLS like the in Hobson's mill.
So time slipped on till her Uncle Sile
Invited her up to his farm while
Now he went to bed right after tea.
I'm plumb an square beat OUT said he.
Twas blame slick night in the month of June,
Warm an nice, with lovely moon,
An Minnie concluded that voice of her'n
Needed some air So she took a turn
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
"My Man, where Is the Editorr"

wrapped it around the thumb and dug a rubber band
out from the litter his desk When he had twisted
the band around his thumb he turned around and asked
Of the rather sharply, his teeth still grtting
with pain:
well, what is it?'
81 want to see the editor of the Compendium"
well, look away. This is what I'm here for
t'Do you to tell me that you the editor?"
THAT'S what / am
The woman looked at his grmy shirtsleeves his red
face his torn trousers and the thumb that swathed
in the rag, up disconsolately the
a mired in a muddy place.
Well, broke in the editor after time, did you
expect to find wearing Prince Albert coat and
gold bowed specs, writing editorials pa
per?'
The shifted her Boston bag from hand to
the other.
Not exactly said She sbut II, that is Il
Country editors country editors, marm," said the
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
No Rest for the Weary.

al see that the Thanksgiving numbeuI
of the magazines are beginning to an
rive
yes, and the Christmas numbers ara
ready for the press But the magazine
editors are not out of trouble for al,
that. They've got to go right to worI
on their Easter numbers now."-Chicas
Record Herald
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Our Mother Tongue.

81 maintain she said. raising her
sertien that women talk more than men
has no foundation whatever in fact"
"Then why" asked the man in the
case lis our common language univer-
sally called the mother tongue?' In
dianapolis News.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
A soap sandwich Man.

Rollingstone Nomess-De only job
ever had was a horrible example.
Thirsty Thingumbob-Geet Dat musta
been great. Did dey keep you boozed
all de time?
Rollingstone Nomoss-Naw; it wasn't
Cat kind. I WIS horrible example for
a soap SaleSnan-NeW York Press.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Generous to- a Fault.

Mr.. Newlywed (solicitously)-And how
do you get along with the butcher love?
Mrs Newlywed-Oh. splendidly He is
such a generous man, Mortimer When
order four-pound roast he always sends
one weighing six or segen.-Brooklyn
Eagle.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Reform in Philippines.

Between the criminal activity on the
part Of the professional politicians and
criminal Indifference upon the part o.
vitality is being gradually squeezed out
of free goyernment.-P Philadelphia Rec
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Sitting Down, of Course,

Where would a man be if it wasn't for
wcman?" snapped the suffrage header in
the street car.
Sitting in a comfortable seat instead
OF hanging onto a strap!" retorted the
man with many bundles.-Chicago News
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Tint Is Just 1t.

She-What sad face that mans got
He-Yes, he's a professional humorist
and he never smiles.
She-Whati Doesn't he ever read his
own t~s-n~2-Yankers Statesman.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
A Bold, Bad Man.

Papa has forbidden you to come to
the house. He says you are a dangerous
man.
Dangerous, What can he mean?"
''He says you are the kind of a man
who will hang around a girl all her life
and never marry her."-Life.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Beginning Early.

Vermilye-I fear poor Dolittle is in for
a hen-pecked existence.
Brinkerhoff-You are jealous.
Vernilye-Hardly! He says the other
day, Miss Naggs told him she didn't think
that engaged people SHOULD have any Sc
crets from each other.-Brooklyn Eagle.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Copyright 1901, by
Robert Howard Russell.

YELL, 1 see Congress has got to wurruk again,
- said Mr.. Dooley.
N$AE THE Lord firm HARM said Mr.
u 81 Hennessv.
Eyes, SIR said Mr.. Dooley, Congress has got to
wurruk again, NANNY things that seems important
to a Congressman'u be brought befure thin lis
stnrange that what's big thing to man in Wash nton
Hinnissy, don't much account to me-. Divvle
bit do 1 care whether they dig tn Nicaragoon Canal
sr TIL Isthmus in a balloon, whether tn Mon
roe docthrine is enforced whether it amt, or
whether tn thrusts is abolished Teddy Rosenfelt
like have thin encouraged tic with their
leefaryous gnifcent enterprises tn Prisdnt
like, whether tn water is poured into tn bitches
TO reclaim tn arid lands iv tn West tn money FIR
thin fertize TIL arid Docetbo iv tn contractors
whether tn 1njun is threatened like dapndant an
miserable thribesman like free an indepindant dog
whether restore tn merchant marine to tn ocean
whether lave it restore itslf None of these
here questions INTERESTS an be me L an
be you name ivrybody. What we want to know is,
goin to have coal enough in TIL hod whin
TIL cold snap comes; will tn punlbin hold out an
will tn job last.
Congress- Hinnissy, thinks it is sailin tn ship w
state but that ship v state is carryin Storage
sengers TIL rae ship v state is in tn domestic thrade
an is conveyin' provisions dye mind
"3ut they'se question that Congress is gofn to
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15

There is telling what would have happened If
Disease had not attacked Aggie. For one Day,
Father entered the Drawing Room he heard strange
Humping and Pounding overhead, which caused the
whole Building to Vibrate
Somebody tearing out the Second Story, he said,
in
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
By Holman F. Day.

well up way, if do say it. I'll leave that hers
with you for sample. All you'll have to do will
to show that 1t will fix any mourner. And you
know yourself, mourners don't for expense.
Now, here's something that I'll put in for % cents.
and it be used for several occasions, L don't
mind if put it in little off that list price All
ask is pay for my time in writing poem Any
name can be used, you understand. 1t this way:
oh, darling Jenny Cor any other nance,
Why did you have to go?
Methinks still can hear the cruel sexton throw
Ing dirt down your casket box
Both dirt rocks.
Oh,
Jenny Cor any other name) why you go?
Iow does it strike you?" asked the Sweet Singer OF
Belgrade, pushing back her spectacIes
The editor, with his lips bullying, wagged his hand
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15

Book so Deep that Mother couldn't make Head or Tall
of it.
Next day a Young Man walked into the Office and
said to Aggie's Father, Sir should like to marry
your Daughter
have her
MORAL: The Quck-Cnanse Artist is too for
the Old-Style Parent.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
By George AIDE.

Fog and Moth-Bals.
One afternoon Aggie swiftly transformed from
Kedaker into Menticulturist. She brought home
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Americans i'm siberia.

Omsk is in the very center of 1000
square miles of the finest pasture land
in the world. met two Americans who
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15

Amy Englisf?" I inquired
Not one,' he laughed back. and ]
saw the glow of Yankee satisfaction al
getting what he afterward called 'tha
bulge on John Bull. London News.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15

No, replied his Faithful Wife, ''but the Worst has
come. Daughter is having Attack Of Physical Gull
ture'
They went and looked through the Key-fIole. Ag-
gle had scant Suit Of Blue Flannel and she was
trying to beat the Shape a Punching-Bag
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15
Copyright 1901, by
Robert Howard Russell.

uEga MAN and Wife had peachy Daughter
AA named Aggie. When she Il they put
A her into Training for her comng-out Party
- Now that Aggie Young Lady,
lbout to be Launched Parents much relieved
know that she had been Brought Up successfully.
They thought she had passed through
Perils of Childhood Munps, Measles,
RASH Cholera mfantum, Whooping Cough, ETC.,
he was safely of the woods. They had guided
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-12-15

u Illus was rowin it early an late
Milf against this an milf against that!
~ With a voice like a whistle too big for her
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1901-01-24
Written for The Prison Mirror.
Life's Little Mysteries.

Clergymen are fond of preaching on
"The Mysteries of Life;" and scientific
men also have much to say of the same
mystery.
There is moreover another phase
of the mystery which neither clergy
men or scientific persons ever discuss.
and this is the mystery of our continued
existence in the midst or the innumer-
able dangers which swarm around us.
No one would feel precisely comfort
able if he knew that his life depended
wholly on the skill or the good inten-
tion of some other man. And yet as a
matter of fact we constantly place our
lives at the mercy of all sorts of people.
Have you ever thought, when under
going the operation of being shaved by
a barber that the man could cut your
throat with the greatest of easep Sup
pose this barber should happen to be
insane, or suffering from delirium