davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
IT WAS A FAD BREAK.

"My wife will be. careful hereafter
how she takes liberties with the truth, :"
said Jones, with grin. I'VE had our
minister with us the other day for
dinner. and the conversation turned
upon Observation-Disclosures, and my bet
ter half had to tell her story.
"I am dreadfully absent-m minded
said she. I remember some six or
seven years ago friend of mine gave
me her celebrated recipe for making
jam. When l reached home / care
fully put 1t away where l would be
sure to find it when wanted it. But
do you know, a few weeks later when
/ needed it ! couldn't remember for
the life of me where / had put it, and
to this day have never been able to
find it,
After dinner she turned to the Rev.
Mr.. Thirdly and said sweetly:
Would you mind reading a chap
ter in the Bible? We make it a rule
to read at least one chapter every
night
This statement caused me to look az
her in surprise, for it was news to me.
"The reverend gentleman consented
graciously. and she brought the fam
lily Bible, which she had carefully
busted and placed in conspicuous
spot before he had arrived.
"As he turned the leaves paper fut-
tered to the floor.
Goodness gasped my wife, as she
picked 1t up, not realizing how her
words were going to sound, after her
somewhat pious statement, 1T is that
recipe for iamn Detroit Free Press
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
UNCLE EsEN.s SAYINGS.

De norf wind hollers To- 1t hit you.
De dog chain tromples on ekal
rights.
De quicksand don't fool you but
once.
De bobbykew takes way heap o. bad
feelin's.
Sunday breeches ft bes' when dey
been paid for.
IT'S dangerous to hab de rotten
round OBJ de ladder on top.
'Tain't no consolation to git chewed
up by fus-class dog.
De rabbit amt pertickler bout holes
when de houn's git In sight.
When man gifts too keerful to vase
his later peelin's. he's runnin' de thing
In de groun'.
A po' man out o. wuk Is wus orr dan
stray dog. cause he got to keep on
explainin his salvation.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
THE TIME TO LAUGH.
SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL AND
SELECTED.
The Big Bostonian Got a Seat, but Had
to Take Keen Rctort in the Bargain
"A Quiet Retreat = Uncle Rastus'
Philosophy.
PERFECTLY PLAIN.

Uncle 'Rastus, who was seeking in
formation concerning mushrooms, had
been referred by a preternaturally SOL
emn student to tue professor of bot
any, and with hat in hand he was ad-
dressing that dignitary.
Would yo' mind tellin' me, Mistah
Mandrake" he said, how to 'stinguish
a musharoon I'm toadstool?"
Willingly" replied the professor.
I'm the first place, you must remember
that the amanita phalloides, or deadly
agaric, closely resembles the agaricus
campestris, or edible fungus, which is
our common variety and absolutely in
nocuous. Next, 1t will be necessary
to fix firmly In your mind the distin-
the agaricus campestris, which are
these: A pileus not covered with ex-
crescence-like scales; gills Of brown
ish purple when mature; stalk solid
and approximately cylindrical; ring
near middle of stalk; base not dubious
and not sheathed by membrane. The
distinguishing characteristics of the
ananita phalloides, or deadly agaric.
are these: Pileus destitute Of distinct
excrescences; white gills, hollow stalk;
large ring, and prominent bulb at base.
with membraneous upper margin.
Bearing these points of differentiation
fully in mind. you will never be at a
loss to determine which variety you
encounter in any given case"
Yes, suh," said Uncle 'Rastus. turn
ing his hat round and round in his
fingers. Il un'stan' dat all right, but
how's / gwine tell em apaht%-Chi-
cago Tribune.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

ton to move up and give him seat.
He limited repeatedly, but received no
encouragement, and finally said gruf-
fly, SO as to be heard by every passen-
ger in the car:
These benches are made for FIVE hu-
man beings or four car hogs"
His rebuke caused a general laugh,
which was quickly turned on him when
one of the four men arose to leave the
car. AS he stepped eff he remarked:
you are mistaken. These benches
were made for four-three human be-
ings and one car hog. Take your seat"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
SPOTTED.
Johnny.

Weary" said Mr.. Waggles side
partner. as they reposed on slant Of
tender turf beside the quiet highway,
do you know what Jigsby's been a
sayin' about you?"
Mop" said the great man as he
looked longingly into the void OF his
battered can; ''wot's he been sayin' ?"
HE says" replied the side partner,
"that you was once SO hard up that
you actually sawed an armful o. wood
fer a wilder woman"
tits easy enuff to see wot that story
means" said the great wanderer.
gloomily
"wot does it mean, Weary"
ut means blackmail; that's wot 1t
means"
And then, the subject being deli
cate one, 1t was permanently dropped.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
A QUIET RETREAT.

THE doctor recommended me to 60
to a farmhouse for two weeks this
summer" said the man of nerves. "and
I'm wondering II he ever passed a
night outside of a city. On my first
night the tree toads kept me awake. on
my second the ROSTERS crowed from
midnight on, and in my third a big
bullfrog in the horse pond didn't per-
NIT me to c.ose my eyes. got up next
morning and told the farmer l couldn't
stand it and must go. and he heard
me in surprise and said:
"'Why. man. I've had summer board
ers here who got SO lonesome nights
that had to drive the old bull up and
twist his tail to make him heller and
keep them company"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

by local applications. as they cannot reach the
diseased portion Of the car. There is only one
way TO cure deafness, and that is by constl-
tutional remedies Deafness Is caused by an
intiamed condition Of the mucus lining OF the
Eustachian Tube. When this tube is infamed
you have rumbling sound or imperfect hear
Ing. and when 1t is entirely closed deafness 4
the result, and unless the Inflammation can DO
taken out and this tube restored to its normal
condition hearing will be destroyed forever;
nine cases out OF ten are caused by catarrh
which is nothing but an infiamed condition OF
the mucous surfaces.
We will give One Hundred Dollars for any case
OF Deafness Caused by catarrh) that cannot
be cured by Halls Catarrh Cure. Send for
circulars, free.
Sold by Druggists, Zoe.
Halls Family Pills are the best
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
now HE KNOWS.

IT have read a good deal about kill
ing mosquitoes WITH kerosene" said
the breathless man who had climbed
six flights of stairs to ask the Ques-
ton. "and l wish you would tell me
how they do it,"
They drown them in it," respond
ed the answers-to-queries editor. IF
you bet that they soak them in the
kerosene and touch match to them
you have lost. Call again."
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Must Have Luxuriaut and Glossy Hair,
No Matter what Color.
rhe finest contour Of a female face, the
sweetest smile of female mouth, loses
something IL the head is crowned with
scant hair. Scant and falling hair, It is
now known. is caused by parasite that
burrows into the scalp to the root of the
hair. where 1t saps the vitality. The little
white scales the germ throws up In bur-
rowing are called dandruff. To cure dam
druff permanently, then. and to stop fall
ing hair, that germ must be killed New
bros Herpicide, an entirely new result of
the chemical laboratory, destroys the
dandrufr germ, and. of course, stops the
falling hair, and cures badness.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
HE GOT A SEAT.

A man who looked from his physical
proportions as II he could back up
any remark he might care to make in
public boarded Boston (Mass.) car
the other night. The car was filled,
but the man happened to get in row
which held only four passengers. None
Of them made any sign of an indica-
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Twins who have reached the age
of So years, and are still happy hale
and hearty, are julius II. and Junius
N. Benham of bridgeport Conn. Ihey
have been in business together since
they were 81, and have always held
their property jointly.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Many persons with delicate skin suffer
greatly in winter from ehapping FIRE.
quently the trouble arises from the use
of impure soap and cheap salves. Tho
face and hands should be washed only in
clear. hot water with Ivory Soap. A lit
tie mutton tallow or almond oil may be
used after the bath to soften the skin.
ELIZA r.. PARKER.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

William Millikan, senior editor OF
the Fayette county (o) Herald, has
Just celebrated his ninety-fifth birth
day. He is the Nestor of the Ohio
editorial fraternity and is still hale
and henrtY.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Some grocers say they don't keep De-
f1ance Starch because they have a stock
In hand OF u OF. brands, which they know
cannot be sold to customer who has
once used the l6 OF. pkg. Defiance Starch
for same money.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Piety and politics are beautifully
blended by the sheriff of Cumberland
county, Me. His name is Pearson, and
he also officiates as a clergyman. AT
a.recent church meeting he gave this
advice: when you go to your room
for prayer, ask God to help poor
Pearson, and then stand by him with
your ballot"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Ask your grocer for DEFIANCE
STARCH, the only l6 OF. package for
10 cents. All other Decent starch
contains only IL or. Satisfaction
guaranteed or money refunded.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Dropsy treated free by Dr. H. II. Green's
Sons, of Atlanta, Ga. The greatest dropsy
specialists in the world. Read their adver.
tisement in another column of this paper.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

To preserve brooms dip them into
boiling soap suds weekly, and they
Will last much longer than they other
wise would.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

England has had beer tax ever
nnce the twelfth century. Last year
u yielded the government the sun
of $67,500,00O.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

The emperor of Austria, who has
just completed his list year, has
reigned fifty-two years-a longer
pediod than any other living sover
eign.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

The shirt waist proved great in
vention. Nearly every woman wears
one. The only inconvenience about the
shirt waist is the trouble in ironing
caused by starches that produce that
hard. nerve racking effect. Defiance
starch contains a chemical ingredient
that does away with the trouble. Ask
your grocer for it. Sixteen-oz package
for 10 cents. Made by Magnetic Starch
Co., Omaha, Neb.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

/ nm sure Piso's Cure for Consumption
saved my life three years ago.-Mrs Thos.
Robbins. Maple Street, Norwich, N. Y, Feb.
II 1900
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

The average man doesn't seem to
think 1t counts when he breaks a
promise made tc himself.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Some one digging in the old rec
ords of Michigan has discovered that
John Monteith, the first president of
Ann Arbor University, was paid a
salary of $3.50 year. The institu-
ton was then known by the over
whelning name of "The Catholepiste-
miad." This was when the territory
of Michigan had population of
1000.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
A WOMAN TO BE PRETTY

sweden and Norway are the health
TEST countries in the world.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Perhaps they call it stovepipe hat
because they sometimes get "stoye-
in"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Last year there were 1902 strikes in
France.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

The apologist for good is ready to
condone evil,
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

1t isn't always the clock with the
loudest tick that keeps the best time.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

Don't meet trouble half way; il
isn't worth the trouble,
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

There are three telephone circuits
between New York and Atlanta.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

PUTNAM FADELESS DYES color
silk, wool or cotton perfectly at one boil
ing. Sold by druggists, lOc. per package.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

FITS Permanently Cured. No nts after
hrst days use Of Dr. kltne's Great Nerve kestOrer.
Send for FREE $500 trial bottle and treatise.
Dr. T.. II. KLINE. Ltd. ISL Arch ST. FhisdelPhia, Pa
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

A woman is never satisfied until
she can do thing two different ways.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
THE BEST RESULTS IN srARcHINo

can be obtained only by using Defiance
same money-no cooking required.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
Deafness Cannot BE Cured

Self-conceit is the handspring of a
wagging tongue.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
Care of the Complexion.

Some men ought to take a day off
and get acquainted with themselves.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

A remote period is the one due at
the end of woman's remarks.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

A naughty woman stumbles. for she
cannot see what may be IN her way.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

A small toque is exec sively unbe
coming above large. round face.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
INSIST ON GETTING 1T.

Self-denial is the spinal column of
consistency.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
shlr. waist Women.

The new heart helps us to put off
the old man.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

W. N. u, Des Moines, No. 44-19O1.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

An amazing discovery was made in
the Mount Hope cemetery at Baker
City, Oregon. In April of last year
Aurilla Sullivan, aged twenty-five,
died of paralysis. Lately it was de-
cided to remove her body to another
cemetery. The casket seemed very
heavy, and it was opened. The body
had turned TO white stone, and
weighed $50 pounds. In life the girl
weighed only 100 pounds.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
DON'T SPOIL YOUR CLOTHES

Use Russ Bleaching Blue and keep thci
white as snow. AL grocers. 10c package.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

There are in Naples number of
cats that live in the churches. They
are kept and fed by the authorities
ON purpose to catch the mice which
infest most of the old buildings there.
The little animals may often be seen
walking about among the congrega-
tion or sitting gravely before the
altar during the time of mass, and
it is considered sacrilege to harm
them.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

A memorial church has lately been
erected and dedicated on the site of
Jefferson Davis birthplace, in Fair
REV, KY. A slab of Tennessee mar
ole set in the wall bears this inscrip-
ton; Jefferson Davis of Mississippi
was born June 3, 1908, on the site of
this church. He made a gift of the
lot March 10, 1856, to Bethel Baptist
church as a thank Offering to God"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

A selfish young man in Kansas City
married lame girl, who has to hob
BILE along with q crutch. As it would
be inconyenient to have a cripple for
companion on honeymoon trip, he
started to enjoy it alone, and imme-
diately after the ceremony he took
the train for Buffalo to see the sights
at the Pan-American exposition. He
writes loving letters to his bride, tell
ing how he is enjoying himself.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

1t is said that It was Booker T.
Washington's cordial praise of ex-
Governor Jones of Alabama, in con-
versation with the president, which
led President Roosevelt to appoint
Jones to the Office of United States
district judge, though Mr.. Washing
mgton was unconscious that the presi-
dent was ascertaining his views on the
question of Mr.. Jones' qualifications.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

The Buffalo News tells story of
4-year-old girl who was spending
night away from home. At bedtime
she knelt at her hostess knees to say
her prayers, expecting the usual
prompting. Finding Mrs. b. unable
to help her out, she concluded thus:
please, God, 'scuse me; 1 can't re-
member my prayers, and I'm staying
with lady that don't know any"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31
HENRY q. watkins of Appleton, wis,

Henry G. Watkins of Appleton, Wis,
declares that his system is over.
charged with electricity. With his
eyes shut, and his ears stuffed with
cotton, he can tell when he comes
within a hundred feet of electrical
machinery; and during thunder.
storm he is in state of constant
agitation. He attributes his peculiar.
ity to the fact that his mother, two
months before his birth, was struck
by lightning.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-10-31

James Farrell of Barboursville, w.
Va, has just celebrated the 106th an
niversary of his birth. He is now
probably the oldest man in the United
States. Mr.. Farrell served in the
war of 1912 and later was in Mexico,
under Jefferson Davis. When the
war between the states broke out he
enlisted, although no longer young
man, and saw four years of service.
He was probably the Oldest veteran
to offer his services to the govern
ment when the Spanish war broke
The Forrest City times. [volume] (Forrest City, Ark.) 1871-1919, 1901-08-02
-
brandon g. Ranch oro noun ,,,,

Brandon Il Baugh are now running
two ads III this paper-0ne to keep
their customers and the public gener-
ally in touch with the bargains and ex.
traordinary good values always to be
had from their large and varied stock
OF general merchandise, and another
which tells of the price and quality of
the celebrated Browns Five-star brand
of shoes for misses and children, ladies
and men. This popular firm have
caught the secret of successful adver-
Using They change their shoe 'ad''
every week and their store "ad'1 as fire.
quentiy AS possible. Herein lies the Sc
cret-frequent and attractive changes
brandon " Baugh's lads" are gener-
ally among the brightest and most
unique features of the paper, and those
who read them and visit their store
never fail to profit thereby. a word
to the wise" etc.
The Forrest City times. [volume] (Forrest City, Ark.) 1871-1919, 1901-08-02

We have the pleasure this week of
calling the attention of our readers to
neat, new advertisement for those
huStling and popular grocers, Fondren
" smith. They are rapidly building
up healthy grocery trade and are
reaching out for new business, and in
tend to employ every legitimate method
for increasing their sales, with the end
IN view of putting in IA larger stock for
the rush season. Send them an order
for groceries. Full weights and meas
urements is mighty good policy, in
the ulsuit of which they make new
customers and hold old ones Quick
sales and small profits keep their stock
always fresh and their patrons salts
fed. and satisfied customer is the
best advertisement. Telephone II. Free
delivery.
The Forrest City times. [volume] (Forrest City, Ark.) 1871-1919, 1901-08-02

Miss Marv Mallory was at home to
her friends Wednesday evening and re-
.ceived informally from till H., COM
plimentary to Miss Louise Simmons. of
Harrisburg, and Miss Lula Lewis, of
this city. No special features inter
fered with the evenings pleasure. and
the hours were beguiled with games,
music and pleasant conversation Bon
bons were served. Those present were
Archer Hatcher and Lollle German,
Ellsworth Hambleton. Addie Herney.
Marguerite Iaughnghouse and Pres
ton Buford, George Taylor and Annie
Elise Williams, Thomas Pettus and
Mamie Taylor. Aldridge Williams and
Lucy Sanders. Bum Turley and Lula
Lewis, Emmett BufOrd and Pearl Grip
pen, Tom BufOrd and Claudia Mallory.
The little ones enjoyed themselves nj
the impromptu party gwen last night
At the home OF Mr.. and Mrs. NJ Isaacs
The spacious lawn WAS brilliantly illu-
minated with Japanese lanterns. aud
under the management OF Masters
Roberts and Lewis Davenport, nothing
was amiss MI and Mrs, Isaacs were
untirng in their endeavors To please
the little ones. Cake and ice cream
were served.
The Forrest City times. [volume] (Forrest City, Ark.) 1871-1919, 1901-08-02
OTHER LOCALS.

- ~
Spalding's Base Ball Guide for 1901
Just received at the Newsstand.
George Rummage. of whitmore. was
business visitor to the city yesterday.
The bin collectors are reminding the
boys of their Jest debts this week.
Miss Gertrude Ramsey, of Trenton.
Ny is guest OF her sister, Mrs. l..
III. Mann.
General superintendent Theodore
ilcyck, il, of the Consumers Cotton
OIL company. spent few days in 81.
Louisthis week on business.
lrof. L. c. Nall. of wheatley. az
rlved IN the city Yesterday To spend a
couple of days with friends before 90
Ing 10 kentucky on an extended visit.
Contractor Humphrey is making sat
lSfactoIy progress on the building for
the Hotel Imperial and began the con
strnctiOn of the second story the first
OF the week. The new building will
probably be finished by Sept. 10.
Commissioner McClendon deserves
praise for the manner in which he has
Kept the Dust Devil in subsection dur
the protracted dry season. The street
sprinkler Is indeed IA great institution
and should be patronized by every
householder in the city.
During these dry times the tires on
your wagon are liable to come off or
get loose. Don't back it into some hole
or water to swell and tighten, but take
1t to Joe y. Beck. the blacksmith. on
The southwest corner Of Rosser and
Jackson streets, who has the only pat
ent tire shrinker IN the city. He'll
tignten the tire on your buggy or
wagon while you walt, and Will do a
permanent job. He is also prepared to
repair work, horse-shoeing, etc.
Since the account of the wreck at
Palestine published in the last issue.
evidence las developed which leads us
to believe that instead of the switch
being left open by an extra work en-.
CINE, 1t was broken open by parties who
hold some grudge or spite against the
company. a half-witted negro has
been arrested who was found about the
yards, but has made no confessions,
newspaper reports to the contrary not
standing. Sheriff Williams said to a
TIMES man day or two ago: "a this
newspaper talk you see about the ne.
gro making confession or owning up
TO breaking open the switch is moon
shine. The negro is half crazy any.
way. and big fruit tree agent Jumped
on him with lot o. threats and scared
the darkey into making some sort of
talk which none Of the officers heard.
The Forrest City times. [volume] (Forrest City, Ark.) 1871-1919, 1901-08-02
Strayed or Stolen

From Madison on or about July %
one brown mare mule, about - |
hands high. little white saddle marks
about or years Old. Also one mouse
colored horse mule, about ID = hand.
high, white spot back of one knee
about same age s. 90 reward vii
De paid for the recovery of said animals
or any information leading thereto b,
ED BERRY.
Aug :, 1901. Madison, Ark.
The Forrest City times. [volume] (Forrest City, Ark.) 1871-1919, 1901-08-02
You Know What You Are Taking

When you take Groves Tasteless Chill
Tonic because the formula is plainly
printed on every bottle showing that 1t is
simply Iron and Qunine in tasteless
form. No cure. ma pay. soc.