The herald-advance. (Milbank, S.D.) 1890-1922, 1901-11-22
HONEST ABE, I. s. NJ,
BY NJ. Qua&

kcr's the other day, the old AL was
waiting for me at the gate, and as l
halted to hand him his paper ne said:
ABE, you knowed that Mary had
been sick for the last our or five
months? WaaL, she breathed hcp last
yesterday"
$50 she's deads Poor thingr I'm
sorry for you, Uncle jim"
Yes, we've seen the last of poor Ma
ry, but I'm glad to say she died happy.
don't suppose YOU can attend ths fu-
neral tomorrow, but I'll tell you what
you might do for me if you will. She
won't no sooner be buried than every
body for five miles around will be won
derin how soon III get married agin
and who I'll take fox a second wife.
They'll also be wonderin how much
Mary'S %gravestnn cost and how soon
it'll be up. You know how folks are,
Abe"
EYES,"
"Waal, now, you jest do this for me:
You jest tell 'em the eravestun is to.
cost $24 and it'll be up within a month.
AS for my marryin ag'in, tell EN- I1E
never do it-never. Tell 'em that if all
the gals and widders in four counties
around should set their caps for me it
wouldn't do any good. l shall send for
my sister Nancy to keep house for me
and peg along alone"
l promised him and drove on.
Uncle Joe Hatcher is one of the
school directors in his district, and as
I s1rNua ~, 70 hic hD,,cD H., =, Jorx,r
to the gate with a family almanac in
his hand. When we had passed the
time of day, he said:
Look here, Abe. I've got to hire the
schoolma'am for the next term, and Of
course I've got to ask her lots Of ques-
tons. I've got some of EN- down here,
but Marier saysI'm way off. She thinks
she's smarter'n a new blue pump. but
l guess men you together kin beat her.
When did Columbus diskiver Amer
lea"
"In the year 1892, of course" I said.
do you mean it, Abe? Don't joke
with me-"
That's the date, certainly"
"That's what Marier says, but I'VE
got 1t down as 1914. and we jawed
about it for over an hour last night.
I'll be durnedlif l wouldn't have bet all
my sheep ag'in a pound Of tea that l
was right, but l must give in to you.
Bein as you represent the United
States, you can't be mistaken. Which
is the longest river in America, AbeY'
THE Mississippi"
"You don't say! l thought it was the
Hudson. and Marier says it's the Ohio,
and we got so mad over it the other day
that we wouldn't eat dinner together.
Which is the biggest city in the United
States Z"
"New York"
"Durn my hide. but that's another on
me! The Teller who put up my wind
mill told me that indianapolis could
take in two towns the size of New York
and have lots of room left. Beats all
what deceivers you find in this world.
Was Benedict Arnold ever president OF
the United S~tatesy"
"Of course not"
"Give it to me straight, Abe. Marier
says he wasn't, but I've bet her six
geese ag'in nothin that he was"
l set him right about 1t, and also cor
rected him as to the highest mountain.
the number Of states and several
things, and when I drove away he was
scratching his head and saying to him.
self:
II guess l must be next door to a
fool, but Pm not goin to let Marier
know it and crow over me"
saw at once that there was trouble
at Ben Hollis, and at the old mans
call | got down to drink a glass OF
milk and eat a piece of blackberry pic.
"Is it a family?" | asked.
Eyes, sir. right In the family. and
we've agreed to leave it to you."
But l can't give you al official de-
cision. This United States govern
ment, of which l am a part. never med
dies with family matters, not even
when a man licks his wife,"
'"Then give us your private opinion.
Here's our Sue. who got married to
George Scott six weeks ago. She left
him last night and walked four miles
she says she'll never live with him an
other day. | say she ought to go right
back"
"What did he box your ears for?' l
asked Of Sue.
I'll called him n liar" she replied.
"Yes, called him n liar" added Uncle
Ben, land ! say he had a right to box.
I'd box Hannah's ears if she called me
that. Give her straight advice. Abe.
Had she ought to have called him a
liarY"
Hardly"
sand he probably boxed while he
was mad?"
Eyes"
"And harder than he intended?'
Exactly" .
"And she ought to go back and say
she's sorry. Then he'll say he's sorry.
too, and they'll kiss and make up and
be as happy as two doves. Sue. you
go right back home with Abe on his
cart"
Sue looked at me with tears in her