The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1901-08-10
WIT AND WISDOM

WIT AND WISDOM
Resident-Thlnk OF opening an Office
in this neighborhood, Ell? Seems to
me you are rather young for a family
physician. Young 'Doctor-Y-e-s, but
er-I shall only doctor children at
first. 80 Ns
Boohbinder-Will you have this book
bound in turkey or morocco? Pur-
chaser-Oh, mercy, no! What is the
use of sending it away on? Have it
bound in Minneapolis. ~
Mrs. Henpecke-;I must tell you
Mr.. Blunt, that II you marry my
daughter you will find she has tenn
per of her own. Mr.. Blunt don't
mind that, madam, so long as she
hasn't any of yours.
Mrs. Goodsoul-I think it is a per.
feet shame that the early settlers killed
off the Indians the way they did
Miss De Pretty-Indeed it is; just
think what lovely furs they used to
sell for few glass beads.
The well-to-do patron Of the place
had been attentive to the cashier for
some time, and now, business being
slack for a few moments, he deemed
the time propitious to speak. eff you
will be mine," he urged, as he leaned
over the desk, "every comfort that you
might desire will be yours. True,
am no longer young, but have money,
and can provide for you as few young
men could, and surely the material
side of the marriage question is worthy
Of some consideration" She said moth
ing, but gently touched the cash regis
ter, and the words "No Sale" sprang
into view. With sigh he left.
Little Philip wanted to go visiting
the other day. He longed to go to see
Maize, who lived nearly two blocks
away. After a good deal of teasing
his mother said he might go. "And
may 1 stay to lunch?" the boy asked.
"You may if Mazies mother asks you
to- was the reply. "If she doesn't,
be sure to come home before noon."
Philip reached Mazie's house n few
minutes later, and galloped up on the
porch where the little girls mother
was sitting. "NIrs. Parker" he said,
half out of breath. "I've come to play
with Maize all day, and my mother
says must not stay here to lunch uh-
less you ask me to, but amt hungry
yet" He was invited to stay.
~ bought new umbrella today at
Geoghegan's." "Where!" "Geoghe-
gan's." "You pronounce it wrong. Its
'Gay-gnn.'" NO" corrected another;
"Its called 'Jee-l,ay- gam" "Goo-gan,"
suggested fourth speaker. "Hig-gog-
gam" says number five. "Gay-hee-
gan,' thinks the sixth. Hogan" the
seventh asserts. Nay" says number
eight; Its 'Kee-ja5-gan.' "Gig-heg-
gam" is number Mines version. Gee
og-hay gan" vent,lre dthe tenth. Jag
on" says number eleven. "Jig-hee-
on says number eleven. "Jig-hee-
gam" thinks the twelfth. NO." said Il
newcomer: cts Jee-hee-gan." Wrong
again." exclaimed yet another. "Pro-
nounce it 'Jag-again.' "Why not Gee
oft-egan?" said another; but the puzzle
Is still unsolved.
An old lady one afternoon felt very
tired and weary, SO she thought she
would lie down and rest. Before lying
down she called her servant to hel
and said: IF should happen to drol
off. call me Mt 1 o'clock" Soon she
fell asleep. and about an hour or sc
after she was suddenly awakened by
the clock striking s. Angrily she rang
the bell for the servant. On her ar
rival the lady said: "Why didn't 70,
Gull me ut 4 o'clock, as told your
well, madam" the girl replied, "yo,
only told me that had to wake yOl
IL you dropped Off, and when cam'
at 4 o'clock you We're still in the SAM
, place, sound asleep
\ well-known English bishop SOM
time ago lost his third wife. A clergy
man who had known his first wife re
turned from Africa recently and want
Ell to see li6f grave. He called at tn
! cathedral and saw tile verger. "Cal
You ten me where the bishops wife
buricd?" well, SIR" replied the vel
ger, 81 don't know for certain, but h
mostly buries 'enl at Bfompt0n:"
A Kansas school board received th,
following letter the other day from on
of the teachers: II would like to iav
the refusal Of the school as long us yo'
are willing to hold 1t for me, though
cant say positively that I will no
teach, nor positively that l will. II
am married, rs think I will be, Q
course will not want the school. Blu
you. know the old story about many
slip, and l would hate. to be out of
! job as well rs the other"
A young officer ut the front recent
t wrote home to his father: Dear Il
i ther: Kindly send me $3.50 at ono