The Dickinson press., 1901-02-23
DANGER In THE BOOK
WHY ONE MAN DREADED THE COM
ING INTO CAMP OF a DICTIONARY.

He Dlscreetly Left Before the vooif-
erously Applauded Sentiments He
Expressed In Hts Speech Could BE
Analysed q la Webster.
When the son Of the president Of the
Big Mountain Lumber company came
into The mountains to learn the bust
ness, so to speak, l knew within 10
minutes that he had come to the
wrong place. He was a city chap. new
ly graduated and thoroughly out Of
touch WITH everything mountainous.
He was a bright fellow, however, and
amply capable. only the mountains
were not the field for his development.
As time elapsed his distaste grew, and
1T was oil he could do not to express
his opinion Of the mountain people,
their manners. customs, homes, morals
and everything connected with them.
He was wise enough to confide in me
alone and bided his time to get away
to some more congenial cline. And
he got away sooner than he expected.
1t happened that there was a public
meeting one night ut the sawmil shed,
and lie "A called on to make a few
remarks. Every other man at the
meeting except myself, who acted as
chairman, was of the mountains, aud
their :lliterate talk had reused the
young college fellow to the limit. He
saw a chance to get even,' in his own
mind at least. and when the call came
for him lie responded promptly. His
speech. quite brief. but to the point,
was as follows: copied from his own
manuscript. wen the [applause] part:
"My friends. an glad to meet you
on this occasion, for l have wished to
say to you publicly what l think Of
you, though u acquaintance has not
been long. Coming as n stranger
among you, l was only partly prepared
for what was in store. Now. let me
say to you that half has not been told
me. [Applause.] In the internecine
arena your lethiferous conduct has
artounded me by the t%rucidation and
decision characterizing it among no
men l have yer known. loud ap-
plause.] In the diversified field Of
menuacity your efforts would make
Machiavelli take to the tall timber.
[Uproarious applause.l In all fura-
cious. raStorial and prcdacious pur-
suits you have done such wonders
that the gifted and great Jonathan
Wild would have felt his latrociny
was a sounding brass and his direption
a tinkling cymbal. [Great applause.l
In the broad eYpanse of labor your
| f1r,n~o,rk <scoIkOf;on E,- ,,o --,
sui generis among all pandiculate man.
kind. [Cheers and shouts of "Good for
us!"] AS good livers, your tables
groan beneath their stercoraceous and
impetiginous burden. and as drinkers,
your temulent bibacity has made the
crapulous reputation Of Bacchus to be
a sign of puritanical abstemiousness.
loud applause.] AS for yourselves, l
take pleasure in saying here to you,
without fear Of successful contradic.
ton. that your nugacity is forever
established; Is observers of the law,
your aberrance is Pathological. and
personally you are a cohesive concat-
enation of rubigant exuvim. that l
take especial pleasure in believing does
not exist elsewhere on earth. [Vocif.
erous applause.]"
When the enthusiasm had cooled
down somewhat, he p%roceeded to speak
on the subjects before the meeting and
sat down. The m%ountaineers were
pleased to death with the college mans
high flown speech about them. and
though l didn't know the meaning of
all the big words he used l did know
that he had been calling them liars and
murderers and thieves and scoundrels
and drones and .lawless d%runkards. be-
sides condemning their fare and anath.
ematizing the lot of them personally.
But not one of them suspected, and /
was hoping nothing would come Of II
and they would forget, ever If any of
the large words were remembered,
when n day a book agent drove up
to the office In a blackboard and an
nounced that lie was selling Websters
Unabridged Dictionary for So a copy
and showed a sample that was as big
as a box of soap.
Nobody had ever seen so much book
for the money. nor had anybody evel
seen a dictionary in that neighborhood
and when the agent began to tell what
a valuable thing it was to be in every
family the men became interested, and
it wasn't long until the agent had SOLD
Is copies, to be delivered the following
week. When he had gone away witt
his sqmnIo I cal1od tho vorpr ~or