CanÌƒon City record. [volume] (CanÌƒon City, Colo.) 1883-192?, 1901-05-16
LETTER LNXII.

LIE En- i-<N-Nii-
Here in my pain, beloved. l remem-
ber keeniy now the. one or two occa-
sions when as a small child l was con-
sciously n cause OF pain to others
What an irony OF life that once of the
two times when l remember to have
been cruel IL was to Arthur, with his
small astonished baby face remaining
a reprosch to me ever after! / was
hardly then and. going up to the
nursery from down stairs. had my sup
per cake In my hand. only few
mouthfuls left He had been having
his bath and was sitting up on Nan
mans knee. being got into his bed
clothes, when. spying me with my cake.
he piped TO have a share Of 1t | dare
say IL would not have been good for
him. but OF that l thought nothing at
all. The cruel impulse took me to make
one mouthful of all that was left He
watched IL 90 without crying. but his
eyes opened at me In a strange way,
wondering at this sudden Lesson Of the
hardness OF . human heart "All goneV
was what be said. turning his head
from me up TO Nan-nan to see perhaps
II she. too. had like surprise for his
wee intelligence. l think I have never
forgiven myself for that. though Ar
thur has no memory of IL left In him.
The 9udginE remembrance OF IL would.
believe. win forgiveness to him for
any wrong he might now do me IL that
and not the contrary were his way
with me. 80 unreasouably Is my brain
SCARED where the thought Of II stu
lies God may forgive us our trespass-
es by marvellous slow ways, but we
cannot always forgive them ourselves.
The other thing came out of less
personal greed and was years later.
Arthur and were collecting eggs. and
in the loft over one of the outhouses
there was n swallows nest too high up
to be reached by any ladder we could
get up there. was intent on getting
the eggs and thought CT no other thing
that might chance. so ! spread a soft
fall below. and with a long pole broke
the door OF the nest. Then. with sud
den stir of horror. ! saw soft things
falling along with the clay. tiny and
feathery. Two were killed by the
breakage that fell with them. but one
was quite alive and unhurt. ! gathered
up the remnants OF the nest and set II.
with the young one in 1t by the loft
window where the parent birds might
see making clumsy strivings OF pity to
quiet my conscience. The parent birds
did see soon enough. They returned
first up to the rafters, then darting
round and round and crying; then to
where their little one lay helpless and
exposed. hung over IL with n nibbliug
movement OF their beaks for a moment
making my miserable heart bound mp
with hope; then away, away. shrieking
into the July sunshine. Once they
came back and shrieked at the horror
of II all and Ned away not to return
] remained for hours and did what
ever silly pity could dictate, but OF
course the young one died. and I-clear-
ed away all remains that nobody might
see! And that gave up egg collecting
after that was no penance. but choice.
Since then the poignancy OF my regret
when think OF II has never softened-
The question which pride of life and
love OF make believe till then had not
raised in me. "Am I god to kill and to
make alivcY' was answered all at once
by an emphatic mo" which I never
afterward forgot. But the grief re-
mained all the same, that life. to teach
me that blunt truth, should have had
to make sacrifice I'm the mote hung loft
OF three frsil lives on a clay altar and
bring to nothing but pain and last
miserable dart away into the bright
sunshine the spring work OF two swift
winged intelligences. Is man, we are
told to think, not worth many spar
rows2 oh, beloved. sometimes ! doubt
II and would in thought give my life
that those swallows in their genera
tons might live again.
Beloved, l am letting what have
tried to tell you of my childhood end
in \ sad way. For 1t is no use. no use.
have not = glimmer OF hope left that
your eyes will ever rest ON what
have been at such deep trouble to
write.
II I were being punished for these
two childish things did. should
see n side of justice in 1t all. But 1t is
for loving you I am being punished
and not God himself shall make me
let you go! Beloved, beloved. all my
days are at your feet, and among them
days when you held me to your heart
Good night-good night always now!