Waterbury Democrat., 1901-02-27
AUNT MATTHIAS PURCHASE.

"My well-meant efforts to add to the splendor of the carnival pageant last night proved a lamentable fiasco," said q citizen who lives on the line of march. Tt wasl all on account of the phenomenal stupidity of our fat negro cook" he continued, and have been yearning to spill q gallon or two of her gore ever since it happened. You see, we had done a little something in the line of decorating our two front galleries, and it occurred to me late in the afternoon that it would be a good idea to burn some red fire as the parade was passing the house. So called old Martha and told her to go to a nearby fancy grocery that knew was handling fireworks and pur- chase a pound of the stuff in bulk. The investigation which l have since set on foot has developed the fact that Martha ambled in and said she wanted ter git CT pound O red-red-red sum- thin'-couldn'tr remember izactlv whatit was, 'ceptin' that it burned and come in bulk Why, that's dead easy said fresh clerk, who had no buSl- ness whatever in intruding his per sonal conjectures into the affair, the woman wants a pound of cayenne pepper Accordingly they wrapped up a pound of red pepper. charged it
 
 ing. I laid the packages away with out the least suspicion of it's diabolical character, and thought no more about it until the parade had started and was bearing down upon us from the block above. Then l got it out, gave it to Martha'S young son. who reSem- bles his mother Intellectually. and in- structed him to heap it up on fire shovel and burn it at the far end of ,tp all around was a dense. surging mass of humanity, and the windows and porches on either hand were packed to the limit with eager spectators. When the first float drew opposite called to Pete to touch off the red fire.
 I'm a-lightin' it, boss. he replied, but it's q little slow startin'" The words were hardly out of his mouth when tremendous wheeZing and sneezing and coughing arose from the crowd at the far end of the gallery. It increased rapidly in volume, and while I was wondering what the mis- chief was the matter. shift in the wind enveloped me in a cloud of dirty yellow smoke that scared my throat and shri~eled up my air passages like living fire. I gasped for breath and the tears poured out of my eyes like rain, but I recognized red pepper, and had enough presence of mind to grab Pete and hurl him through a front window, shovel and al1 That prompt move probably saved us from being mobbed, for the story was spreading that the thing was deliberate scheme for driving spectators away from the corner. Smoke Us out! will he! the scoundrelv I heard one big fellow say, It'll be a dear smoke for him if he tries it again.' Incidentally. it cleared the galleries of the houses on both sides of us like a blast from a machine gun. and this morning there isn't a neighbor on the entire block who will speak to me. One of them says l have undoubtedly given his wife chronic sore throat by my out rageous practical joke. and that he is debating whether to sue me or thump me, or to do both. For the balance of the street parades you will find me in the role of 1ookers-on in Venice" said the speaker sadly. II shall con tribute the encouragement of my presence and probably applaud at in tervalS, but I shall do nothing on my own hook to augment the sDlendor of the pageant-not a blamed thing" New Orleans Times-Democrat.