The daily journal. (Salem, Or.) 1899-1903, 1901-10-23
AIDES
MODERN
FABLE
Of the MiSfit Who Lost His
Ticket Because He Got the
Wrong Hold.
The Type Will Be Recognized
in Every Community.


Once there was a Social Fizzle manned
Homer Splvens. He was the dampes
Fire Cracker that ever tried to pop in
Public Place.
His Parents had spent 5000 on him sc
that ne might know how to enter Ball
Room. At the age of 26 he could not en-
ter without walking on several Ladies'.
Among the town boys he was regarded
as hot Patsy, but the girls looked upon
him as fair-haired Rollo, who was toe
simple and bashful TO be real interest
ing. At a stag party he was o Jamet
Dandy, but when he found himself in
his Merry Makeup and surrounded by
the Elite, he simmered down and be-
came q mere Chair Warmer and Coffee
Cooler.
Homer was what the Horsemen call 9
Bad Actor. In the early morning Prac.
tice he could do Quarter in 20 but
when he had to Pace with Bunch he
struck foolieh Side.Motion and ran
into the Fence.
When he was among the Fellows he
opened up like a Morning.Glory. He
told Stories and said Sarcastic Things
about Married People he knew and made
up Verses. The Young men would Ie-
peat these Bright Observations to the
Girls and tell them how witty and en-.
tertaining old Splivey was. So the next
time Homer showed up, the vivacious
little Kittens would form a Semi-Circle
in front OF him and say, "Oh, Mr.. Spliv-
ems, do tell us a Story or else make one
of your killing Jokes" Then Homer
wonld flush up and try to swallow his
Palate. lie would hatten out like a dy.
ing Welsh Rabbit and make few chok-
ing Sounds, but there would be nothing
doing in the Story Line.
After Painful Pause the Girls would
quit him cold. During the remainder Of
the Evening, Homer would cit back in a
dark Corner Of the Gentlemen's Dress
ing Room, thinking up the reply he
might have made but did not
In the meantime the Girls would be
giving him the Giggle, and saying he
was the wooziest ever. II they met him
later in the Evening, each one gave him
some Cutting Remark about having a
Nice Time. II they had been Men he
could have Come Back in grand style,
but when any little hlue-eyed Elsie ran
up and jabbed Harpoon into his quiv
vering Bosom he simply groaned and
turned his Face to the Wall.
What made il so Bitter for Homer was
that in his Heart of Hearts he
wanted TO be a butterfly. Frequently |
he would say, "Some Boys can Fly and
why can't ~"
At many on Evening Party he would
conceal himself behind the Base Viol and
watch the frivolous Capers of the Char
ey Freshes and wonder how they did il.
lie would listen 10 the merry Babble and
wish he could butt in and Talk all Even
ng without having anything to cay.
he would overhear the Con-
,ersation that was causing all the Girls
o double up and Duck Fits. Then The
Gold Sweat would gather in large Beads
IN his Foreheed. The Talk was a Gross
between tho innocent Prattle Of Child
hood and tho maniacal Maunderings of
he Incurable Ward at Bloomingdsle.
"oh," thought Homer. "If | could
nislay my Mind some evening and get
,ut and deal that kind oipink Persdage,
would be as Popular as any OF these
Willing Performers"
Homer fell in Love at long range with
Girl named Lucy Livingstone. Lucy
vas Prize Panzy who never passcd in
Ilgebra, but che was a Talker from Con-
Homer never told his
owe. bat let COncealment, like a q reen
Worm, feed on his essential Organs. lie
you'd compose Honeyed Speech with
which 10 greet his would.be Dulciana,
'ut when he met her at the Corner OF
nth end Main he would li't his Hat
iith the wrong Hand aud gurg'e a few
Words OF stereotypod PilIle and bacz into
Lamp Post.
Oh, but he was naughty Lover. d
When il came time for him 10 90 into
Iction, his Ammunition WAS always wet, {
md even when he Fired, he never got I
he Range. He would Loop few Loops
I'D dodge into a Cigar Store. [
What made him so Sore Was that some |
handsome Harry with Naseiine on lis /
lair and not more than two Ounces Of {
jerebelum could saunisr up TO The 8
leaTt' Is Idol and tap her on the Back and :
an her "LUce." And what was ten
ines worse, sLe seemod to Like it. IIei
aw himself done no forty ways from the
ack by many a He-Pelican who could ,
.ot command $S week in the Open {
Market.
When he met her he addressed her as ,
,liss Livingstone. The other Fellow
allei her ISIS" and linked arms with
ler.
When a Rival blocked him off, Homer
TODD around on one Foot for while, q
Waiting for an Opening and then he did
soil.shoe Sneak aud swore that he
gould Forget her.
He told himself that he gas a CLump !
or continuing 10 Worship one who
ould be paved over aud man handled
" anything that wore a Derby HAT
But II. spliyens Vas Hard Hii. The
nore he tried TO Sponge her Likeness
rom the Blackboard of his memory.