The Appeal. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. ;) 1889-19??, 1901-07-20
ST PAUL AND SATURDAY JULY 20 1901

don't have much trouble with them. I
always pretend that I actually believe
that they're just on the point Of MAX
ing away with themselves, and I tell
them that, on the whole, don't know
but what they're on the right tack; that
there isn't much In the game, after all,
when you come to look at it, and that
the dead ones are probably heap bet
ter off. This line Of argument sort O..
riles the phony suicide, and he comes at
me with a crack about my not being
such a much to go on living myself at
that. @s,l. - s5s
Then I hand him a little argument as
to that, and then a funny story or So
and then tell him where there's a good
show that he ought to see and then
shake hands with him and tell him how
relieved I am over his resolution not
/ to commit suicide, but to take up the
white mans bundle again, and he goes
away believing that I'm under the i'm
preston that I have saved him from
self-destruction. = ..~ ..a. ~. p.
"A pretty hard jag to handle is the one
that thinks everybody has offended him
! and that all hands around the place are
| agin him. If the barkeep, at whom the
jag of this type is talking soggily, is
compelled to break the thread for a
I moment in order to wait on somebody
else, this chap gets rnortally offended.
| He becomes an abused man for fact.
! After all these years we're agin him,
says he. We're knocking him. It's
pretty hard to have a lot of knockers
| FOR friends, darned if it amt. He can't
| understand why the whole bunch should
| have singled him out to pick on. He
| doesn't know that he's done anything
to cause him to be treated in that way.
| He doesn't owe any of us a dollar does
| he? And he's been dropping in and pay
| ing his way, and making good, for a
! long while, hasn't he? Well, why have
we all entered into a conspiracy to
)1u1niliate him, and show him up, and
make hin feel cheap
| Yes, it's hard to soothe the offended
jag. He'll sulk en- you and you've got
to use lot of patience to bring him
| round When a man with enc of these
offended buns on comes in I always know
that I've got to cancel all dates for a
! couple of hours ahead in order to square
things up. .. .... j..
THE benevolent jag is dangerous. He
has to be watched very closely. The
benevolent jag wants to give away a
roll of bills big enough to stuff Clydes-
dale horse collar, his watch and chain,
his three-stone diamond ring, and his
| diamond pin. He wants to give these
I things away to anybody thatn accept
them. He's dangerous because if he isn't
piped off carefully he'll stack up against
some CRATER, who'll take his goods, and
| then there's bound to be a. below in
several different minor keys when the
| benevolent jag comes to on the follow
ing day. -" r..
"A lot Of these benevolent jags drift in
here. If they're strangers it's my bust
ness to see to it that they don't remain
| around the place. I take them In hand
and steer EN- off somewhere else. If
know the benevolent jag, however, T
very graciously accept his proffered roll
| when he demands that I take it as lit
lie token of his affection and esteem,
and I often take his glitters, too.
It's more fun than a bushel of mon,
Keys to meet with one of these philan-
| throplc Jags on the day after, and watch
| tor about half an hour, the worry and
| gloom on his features over his losses of
| the night before, and then to flash his
| Wad and his gig-la1nps on him, but the
| average benevolent jag is1 precarious
! proposition to have around, and If r
! don't know him I'm pretty likely to
SUCK him into cab and tell him where
there's a prettier place down the alley.
/ Ihe Dlll1ona1re jag is a common type
de lmagines' that he's the revised edition
| Ut Coal OIL Johnny. He flashes two-do1-
lar note-his whole pile-on the barkeeper
| and demands wine for the house. When
| the barkeep-who's next to the Millionaire
by sort of instinct that barkeeps on
this Main street possess-politely re-
quests that the price Of the several bas-
kets necessary to warm the veins of the
whole house be exhibited the millionaire
is horribly insulted, and demands that a
| blank checkbook and pen and ink be pro-
duced, so that he can scribble a draft
for $4,000 or So '''.. Z. -.c~ 70,
LAS often as not the Millionaire lag has
spent most of his coin without remem-
| bering the fact, or he's a chap who's
gone through a lot Of money and forgets
| that it's gone through or he's a piker
| with that mental twist that rum gives
/ some men, known to the brain sharps as
4 the delirium grandeur. But to whatever
( subspecies he belongs he's got to be
stroked right and led away, and I'm here
4 to stroke and lead him.
-tThe egotistical jag is another one Of
| those dellrium- of-grandeur boys. He:
the greatest human being on the globe il
| his particular line for the time being, ant
he isn't shy about coming to the from
and proclaim1ng the fact. A large ma
| jority Of the egotistica1 jags along this
! route are actors.
! The egotlstica1 actor jag Away.
quotes the lines wherewfth he killed zen
dead and got the biggest hand of tn
show and yanked fourteen curtain cali
4 and made the woman lead wild with zeal
| ousy, out in Painted Post, when he wa
last on tour; and assures the barkeep
and everybody else that'l1 listen to hin
4 that he's got all the rest of the popula
ton Of the earth outclassed by SO man,
/ foot-tons that it's not worth while talk
i ing about the matter.
i 81 But he talks on and on about HOY
/ great he is, nevertheless, and when h
i begins to degenerate into a mournf,,
spectacle I execute my little skate to TIL
4 center of the stage, under the bunch
light. and agree with all that he has Il
& say about himself, but suggest that ~
4 go up the line a bit to see how the even
/ ing's holding up or start some other lit
4 tie play like that in motion to the end
removing him from immediate iuxtaposi
& ton to this planet. He's not pleasan
type of q jag the egotistical, but he ha
to be rubbed the proper way. like all til
rest.
Il, The colossal liar jag is not hard t
manage: All You've got to do is to listel
4 TO him and to pretend that you believ
Il him. It's hard to keep your face straigh
sometimes, but f you grinned he'd b
deeply aggrieved. and that Wouldn't do Il
q all. The colossal liar jag has been every,