Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1901-08-20
{ THE LADY
l GWENDOLEN
; =, ....EPISODE.
ROBERT BARR.
Copyright. 1901. by s. 8. Mcclure Co.

/ ~%~S~S~SSSS-SS~~ w
Let wealth, let commerce and let learning die.
| But leave to US our old nob-il-i-tie.
r'-"'-'-'-'-'f R words to that effect b!
: ! 8 ! J ] !: ! ! !: ' ; ; !; !:
IL ~ unknown poet.
II ln I The Earl Of Stobcros
IL " was, oh, so naughty! HI
II Hi I was also proud and wen
w about with his chin II
tt the air. Earls can al
ways be recognized b!
the altitude Of their chins. An Ameri
can visitor to England once expressed
his regret to me that the nOtables O.
the British isles did not 60 round witt
large printed labels on their backs tell
ing who they We're, so that strange
would not be compelled to follow th'
example of Theodore Hook, who. meet
Ing distinguished looking man on tn
Strand, went up to him and inquired Il
he was anybody in particular. Th'
American plaintively said. when l re
marked that the nobility might obJec
to being labeled. that 1t would merel!
be reverting to an old custom which
had been allowed to fall into disuse
In ancient times the swells carried
their labels on their shields, drawing
pictures thereon. because, as a genera
rule. they were not able to write. Then
when YOU met knight out in London
all you had to do was to consult YOU
illustrated catalogue of the titled fam
ilies-for the year 1892, for instance
and you spotted your man Mt once ant
knew whether 1t was better to take Il
a side street or not. AS rule, If yor
had any valuables about you II wal
safer to make hasty move elsewhere
He suggested that II the house Of lords
would consent to wear large numerals
OH their manly bosoms, and II some
publisher would issue numbered cat
alogue for sixpence, to be sold at al
respectable bookstalls. the arrangement
would be q great convenience to the
tourist.
A plain knight wears his chin at
certain angle, easily ascertainable by
man who mixes in good society. A bar
onet holds his three degrees higher, ar
earl five degrees higher than the baron
ct, a duke Is again ever so much more
elevated than an earl, and thus comes
our phrase. "As drunk u. e.. as elevat
ed as a lord" My American friend
thanked me cordially for my informa
ton, and, getting some further instruc
tions on angles, acute and Obtuse, he
went forth on the streets to test his
newly acquired knowledge, all Of which
brings me back to where started, thai
the Earl of Stobcross held his chin sc
high in the air that his nose pointed
straight up to the zenith. Captiout
readers may say, How, then, could q
duke hold his head higher7 To explain
the matter I must refer to the history
of the earl While most Of our dukes
ancestors came over with William the
Conqueror, the first earl Of Stobcross
was dropped off on these islands by
Noah as the ark was passing the peak
of Skiddaw. The archives In Stobcross
castle Inform us that, although Noah
booked the first earl for the entire voy'
age, the ancient mariner could not put
up with the earl's pretensions, who In
sisted on sitting at the head Of the ia.
BILE, while Noah held that this chair
was the captains place. His lOrdship
grumbled so much about the food and
complained so bitterly that there was
no smoking room on the boat that Noah
was glad to get rid of him. and when
the marooned earl threatened him fol
breach of contract Noah replied that
he had his remedy at the law courts.
When the waters Subsided, the earl
went down the hill and seized all the
land he could get his hands Tor feet on
and so founded Stobcr0ss manor. lie
brought suit against Noah, but the lat
ter had sailed out Of the jurisdiction OF
the courts. The monk who wrote the
Stobcross chronicles ventures n small
pun at this point, spelling the word
"Jew-risdiction," and explaining thus
the anti-Semitic attitude Of the Stob'
cross family. Whether the first earl
hated the Jews or not, the seventeenth
earl had a great liking for them. mort
gagged the manor to them and blew In
the money resulting therefrOm with
neatness and dispatch. Having nothing
else to blow in. he blew out his-well
the coroner's jury said it was his
brains. but those who knew the seven
teenth earl maintained that he had
none, so there is historical discrep-
ancy somewhere, probably in the earPs
head.
Be that as 1t may, the StObcross
family has been poor and mortgaged
up to the hilt ever since, but their
pride never lessened In the slightest
degree. which brings this biographical
resume to the middle Of the week be-
fore last and to Archibald, forty-third
earl of StObcross, and his only daugh.
ter, the Lady GwendOlen.
Difficult as 1t would be for us to
learn to love the fOrty.third earl of
Stobcross, even If l were content to
veil the truth and say he was an
amiable man, which I steadfastly re-
fuse to do, the case Of Lady GwendO-
len calls forth our deepest sympathy.
The earl being poor, the nelghboring
mobiles would not look at her, but
were all over in the United States
with lists of railway owners and pork
millionaires in their pockets, seeking
the eligible daughters thereof. The
earl being proud, Lady Gwendolen
was not allowed to receive the ad-
dresses of any of the rich tradesmen's
sons In the neighborhood, even though
the earl's grocery bills had not been
paid for years and years. Now, II
this was a play instead Of q plain
statement of actual fact I would have
the truculent butcher Of the neighbor'
hood demand the hand Of GwendOlen
for his son or the instant liquidation
Of the meat bill. This would go well
on the stage, and I can hear the deep.
beefy tones of the butcher threatening
to put the cringing nobleman into the
county court and the bailiffs into Stob'
Cross castle, finishing up with perc-
ration which would capture the gal.
1ery to the effect that
A hundred unpaid mutton legs
Ara worth n thousand coats of Anna