Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1901-04-21

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old friend Ben Franklin who told the
Inquirer that every Man sooner or later
comes to the Parting of the Ways. He
must choose between the bread and
easy Path that leads to Single Misery
and the straight and narrow Road that
leads to Married Unhappiness. AS Ben
expressed it, no matter which Way the
Poor Fellow heads, he will be Sore
now and then, that he did not take q
Chance of the ether Route. Ben opined
that every Married Man at some time
or other has a low, Well-concealed,
sneaking Desire to be Free, and every
ease-hardened, weather-beaten Old
Bachelor occasionally runs into a lone
some Streak when he feels that he
would willingly give Ten Years of his
misSpent Life to have just one chubby
Darling to patter GU to meet him in
the Evening and call him Pop Mat
rimony is such a long Contract and has
so many Ups and Downs that
times it seems a sure winner to those
on the Outside, and again it is envelop-
ed in a Blue Fog for those who have to
Put Up with it. When any one asks
me whether he had better Tie Up or
not, it is only my superior Foot-Work
that enables me to dodge the Issue. If
| were to tell you to assume a Business
Risk, you would know in a little while
whether you had made or lost. But if
| get behind You and give you a hard
Shove toward the Married State, you
will be kept Guessing for Years as to
whether | meant it as a Good Turn or
was trying to Do you. Let us suppose
that some Day Is or 20 Years from now
you come Home to find that the Fur
mace has flickered, the Cook has done
the Vanishing Lady Act, two of the
Children have the Scarlet Rash and the
Better Half is Weeping Softly and
seems to think that you are to blame
for all the Tribulation. You escape to
the Cellar and throw Hard Coal at
yourself for a while and then suddenly
remember that it was / who advised
you to Marry and Settle Down. There
upon you hurry to a Hardware Store
and buy one of these Carpenter Pencils
that makes a wide Mark, and you go
out to the Graveyard and write Insult
ing Remarke all over my White Head
Stone. And it would be just as bad II
l advised you not to take the Fatal
Step. The Time would surely come
when you would be laid up in some
Vermicelli Joint, suffering from Indi-
geStion and what IS known as Hotel
Melancholy, and then you would moan
something about OF all Sad Words of
Tongue or PEN and say: All, | might
have been eoziiy domiciled in a CHEEKY
Cot, reading Ghost Stories to my WI
little Riddles this very Night, if it had
not been for that hoary old Fraud who
steered me away from getting Married
So you see l have an Elegant Chance to
satisfy you no matter what | tell you
to do. The trouble is that we have our
Off Days whether we are Married or
Single. A Man casinot get up every
morning and strike Concert Pitch the
first Pull across the Strings, no matter
how DESTROYS he may be to keep fIar-
mony. Again, after a Man has been
Tied Up for awhile he begins TO recall
the Bright Spots in his Career as a
Bachelor, and he is prone to imagine
that all the Unmarried Boys are having
one long crimson Picnic, being Fancy
Free and unhampered by Responsible
tiles. On the other hand, the male
Hoid-Over who occasionally receives an
Invite to Dine gets a Flash of Domestic
Bliss under the most favorable Condi-
lions, and goes back to his substitute
for a Home, feeling that a Bachelor Ex-
istence is a Dogs Life at the best"
Then a Man cannot be Happy, no
matter what Programme he under
takes" asked the Young Man, in a dis
couraged Tone.
Legal Ceremonies and a change OF
Boarding Houses do not greatly modify
our Prospect for having more or less
of a Good Time in Life" replied Uncle
Silas. You see, every Man has about
so many Kicks coming, and he has to
use them up, whether he is Married or
Single. When we are slightly Off our
Feed, we are likely to imagine that
what we haven't got and can't get is
the One Desirable Thing. Thus we
have the diverting Picture OF the Ben
edicts sitting around in Envy of the
Bachelors, while those who are playing
lone Hands feel that they would be
much better off with Partners. /
couldn't rig up a Policy for you that
would not cause me to be disliked at
times. | think that you had better go
out and Shake Dice with yourself 10
find out what you want to do. But no
matter what your Course may be, you
want to remember that there are
Cloudy Days in all Latitudes. and no
matter how well-ixed we may seem to
others, there are Moments when We
would fain jump our Environment"
Perhaps | had better go it Blind"
suggested the Bachelor.
Most People do" said Uncle Silas.
"A Leap in the Dark may land you in
a Patch of Canadian Thistles or a Bed
OF Roses, but no matter where you
Bring Up. you will get used to It"
MORAL: Always advise . Friend to
do what you are sure he is not going to
do. Then. ii his Venture fails, you will
receive credit for having warned him.
II it succeeds. he will be happy IN the
Opportunity to tell you that ron Weres
Dead Wrong