The Western news., 1901-05-15

Towson-Is your daughter a finished
musician? Yorkrode-Not yet, but the
neighbors are making threats.-Balti.
more American.
Wigg-I understand you are related
to that pretty woman over In the cor
ner. Wagg- Only BY marriage. Wlgg
Who is she? Wagg-My wife.
A Possible Explanation.-'.I wonder
why the Struts didn't invite US to their
daughters wedding?" Maybe they
didD't want U.s." Chicago Record.
Necessary Discretion: Il suppose
you'll be telling people that I'm fool"
NO. dear; there are some things we
must keep to ourselves. Tit Bits.
And SO both your children are study
Ing pr0fessionsY" Yes; Louise is in
Boston studyin ing to be an architect and
Tom Is In New York learning to be q
milliner."
Wife-It was very nice OF you to
bring me this candy. Husband-Yes;i It
reminds me Of you. Wife-How gal 7
liant! So sweet, eh? Husband-No; SO
expensive. /#I
YES" remarked sqn,ld:g. II made
myself a present Of this music box on
my birthday" Giving yourself airs,
eh?" added Observation-Disclosures
Chronicle.
Bluegrass Aristocracy: "And is she
reckoned one Of the aristocracy in Ken
tucky?' "Oh. decidedly! Her family
feuds with the very best people there!"
detroit Journal.
Mrs. Sleepyize Henry, the alarm
clock just went on. Mr.. Sleepyize (half
asleep)-Thank goodness! hope tn
thing'll never come back.-Columbus
(Ohio) State journal.
Quickly Adjusted: There's
a newsboy on the street yelling out
lot Of sensational stun that isn't In the
paper Great Editor-Gee Whitaker!
Then put it in.-New York Weekly.
Hully Gee!: Shell wonder who 1t
was who wrote Drink to Me Only with
Thine Eyes" He-Maybe 1t was the
same fellow who invented the express
sion: Here's looking at you."-Phila-
delphia Press.
"Why did they break OF the engage
ment?" II don't know. saw a panied
expression cross his face one night
when she asked him II Joan Of Arc
was Noah's wife. but. Of course,
trivial thing like that wouldn't cause
! it,
"You believe. then, after nll. that
Shakespeare wrot, the plays himself?"
J time | come across him in heaven III
ask him. 'But s'pose he isn't there"
"Then you can ask nim."-Brooklyn
!. Life.
The following call for professional
services was sent by local resident to
doctor In neighboring town: Dear
Doctor: My wife's mother Is at deaths
door. Please come at once and see II
you can't pull her through.
City Journal.
Too much Of good thing: Jimson-
What became OF that man who had
, twenty-seven medals for saving people
, from drowning? Dock Worker-He fell
in one day when he had them all on,
and the weight of 'em sunk him.-New
York Weekly.
THAT Is a cosy-looking couch, old
. man." "Yes. but l never get near it. E"
|, whats the matter!" "Well, there are
: only three pillows that I'm allowed to
, put my head on. and can't stand the
: wear and tear Of picking them out from
, the other seven."
! "What sort of fellow is Swellup?'
: "Well, he's one Of those fellows that
{ you can never convince that there's
plenty Of room at the top "ressim,s'
{ tic. chr" "Not at ak. but he thinks he's
t there already. and that he occupies all
!. the space."-Philade'phia P-ess
"Oh, no. they haven't always had
money; they are mere upstarts-got
rich during the boom period" ''In.
. deed? How did 1t happen-trust OF
gold minew lit was more sudden
than anything of that kind: her father
wrote historical noveL"-Chicagc
: Times Herald.
: II see it is maintained by some peo
! ple that miracles still occur" $50 they
: do. One happened at our house last
. night. My wife discovered after it was
, too late to do any ordering that We
) didn't have thing in the way of re
= freshments around the house-and no
: body called."-Chicago Times Herald.
q Quite Proper: Miss De Styie-Oh
!, I've just planned the sweetest Easter
q bonnet. It's to be- Mrs. De Style
!. rebrovingly)-Fie. should think dur
o ing Lent. at least, you would refrair
r from dwelling upon earthly things
4 Miss De Style-Earthly! My gracious
4 mamma, this bonnet will be perfectly
v heavenly. Press.
e "Good-evinin'. ma'am," said th'
e tramp, presenting himself at the bacl
door, hat in hand. "Oh. you're aftel
somethin' to eat. supposew said thu