The Kalispell bee. [volume] (Kalispell, Mont.) 1901-1901, 1901-03-06
THE FUN
IN BADNESS
Poor Compensation For a Ca
reer Of Crime.
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
@. Hope Jones, Cites Some Noted Cases
To Prove His Contention That
Cussedness Doesn't Pay.

copyright, 1900. by c. B. Lewis.l
Fellow Citizens of Oshkosh-Permit
me to say that am proud and grateful
for this large attendance this evening.
Although the admission is free and
everybody came expecting chrome
as free gift, am grateful all the
same. Before beginning my lectures it
is usual for me to take up collection,
and I will now proceed with the task.
This collection is not necessarily an
evidence of your good faith in any
thing particular, but is intended to
pay my back rent and laundry bills
and assist me to reach Beaver Dam.
It doesn't matter to the undersigned
whether you give cheerfully or grudg-
ingly, so long as you give. A liberal
spirit on your part will still further en-
courage me, but If there is one single
knockkneed, slab sided son of q father
in this audience who conscientiously
feels that I ought to be sat down on,
then let him hang on to his nickel. The
collection is finished and the proceeds
counted. The $50 enlightened and cul-
tivated people before me have Clipped
in about half cent apiece, and my
labors can be continued in other fields.
My dear people, want to say few
words to you this evening about the
badness of human nature. 1t is easy
to be bad. There is also good deal
Of fun in it. It is the bad man who has
fur lined overcoat in winter, a duck
suit in summer and champagne and
ice cream in the intervals. AS l turn
the stereopticon light on the canvas
you behold the picture of Nero. Up
to the age Of "a he was a good man.
While other young men were off to the
circus or races he was Mt home helping
his mother cut carpet rags or white
wash the cellar. He retired to his
couch at 8 o'clock at night instead Of
whooping things up at the Tivoli. He
rose with the lark, and he rose without
head on him, no swearing, no smok-
ing, no drinking-just goodness. One
day, after young Nero had been saw
ing a cord of hickory wood in two, he
sat down to rest his back and figure a
bit. The result was that he decided
to make a change. He had come to the
conclusion that goodness didn't pay.
That's where he made mistake
weighing ton, as all the world knows.
History has told you his career. He
walked right into the house as first
move and kicked over the churn and
upset the flour barrel and then de-
manded q quarter of his astonished
mother and went off on a spree. From
that day on he was q cuss on wheels.
He painted the old town red every
night in the week and got up next
day to paint her blue. His mother died
Of broken heart, and he sold her fiat
irons and quilt frames to bet on a
chariot race. His father was found
dead with tears in his eyes, and young
Nero sold or the chickens and pigs and
the old homestead to back a gladiator.
There was no holding him down except
when the Roman constables sat ON
him. He became sort of holy terror
to the whole Roman empire, and when
he finally died there was such general
satisfaction that the factory whistles
footed and the wages of the hired girls
were advanced a dollar a month.
During his career Nero swan in
champagne, reveled in quail on toast
and wore the best toga in the empire.
He had money IN every pocket, admir-
ers on every corner, and high rolled to
beat the band. And yet what did it all
amount to? He died poor and disgrac.
ed. and history hasn't got through
abusing him yet. He had traded of
an orange grove for a cabbage patch.
say to you all, and I say to that
squirt eyed, lantern jawed man in the
third row in particular, that whoever
figures that badness is a good invest
ment Is going to get left. 1t Is full Of
champagne and race horses and going
a-fshing; but, alas, it is also full Of
blighted souls.
Let me herewith present you the
picture Of Captain Kidd, the pirate.
He was a man who had honor and
fame and the respect of the world
within his reach. He had only to keep
on being good to arrive at that point
where men would doff their hats to
him and women fall over each other to
get view Of the back of his neck.
Then he suddenly changed. He flung
his goodness to the winds and went in
to be screaming old pirate. He was
a hummer from Hummersville. He
knocked seven bells out of everything
he came across. and had money to
bury on every island he came across
He thought he was having high old
time and that it would last to his
eighty-dfth year and that he would
then give $4,000 to an orphan asylum
and die In his bed. All of you know
how he ended. He was still prancine
and cavorting and high rolling when
the law seized him and he was hung
BY the neck. He figured It all out be