davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
LOOKING AHEAD.

From the London Tit-Bits.-A good
story is told on one of the dignitaries
Of the Scottish church. Before he be-
came known to fame he was minister
of remote country parish, and was
not considered particularly attract
I've preacher.
At his suggestion extensive altera-
tions were made in the transept OF his
church, and these had the effect of
sweeping away considerable seating
accommodation
One day after the alterations had
been effected. he visited the church to
see how 1t looked.
What do you think of the improve
ments. john" he asked of the beadle.
improvements" exclaimed John. in
dlsdain: they're no improvements at
a. Whaur are ye g in to put the folk?''
oh" said the minister, I'VE have
abundance of room. John. considering
the size of the congregation"
That's a very weel the noo,' re-
torted the beadle; but what will We
do when we get a popular meenister?"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
THE TIME TO LAUGH.
SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL AND
SELECTED.
Pleased with the Hour, the Ready
wit of Son of the Emerald Isle-A
Large Covey - Figuring Out Her
Share.
PLEASED WITH THE HOUR.

From the Louisville Times.-Lieu-
tenant Heffernan was saying the other
day that he had hardly ever seen an
1rishman who wasn't ready with a
quick retort. no matter what the cir
cumstances might be.
1T was about three years ago that I
arrested a certain fellow. He was
about the drunkest man | ever say to
be still standing on his feet. AS soon
as / got hold of him he wanted to
make trouble. He was just like many
others from the ould sod when they
get full of bad booze and they think
there is a chance for scrap He
made pass at me. but l reached over
and tapped him once on the head with
my stick. He became quiet right away.
and he looked up at me and said:
And what toime is it?'
and of course l couldn't help but
answer. Just struck one
Well if thots So he answered,
Oi'm dunn glad yez didn't hit me an
hour sooner"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
FIRST AMERICAN RAILROAD.
Man Stiu Living Who Propbesied Its Pres
ent DEVELOPMENT

ept Development.
John Gilman of Worcester, Massa-
chusetts, who is stopping at the Brown
Palace Hotel, says a late issue of the
Denver News, witnessed the construc-
ton of the first railroad in the United
States. 1t was the Boston * Albany,
begun in 1896 and completed in 1897
1t ran through what was then his faith
er's farm. Although people predicted
in his hearing that that would be the
only road ever constructed in the
country, he made the youthful boast
that time would see n road in opera
tion from ocean to ocean.
People thought l was crazy when l
said that" remarked Mr.. Gilman.
But | was not, for | have lived long
enough to cross the continent forty
one times on the six roads which have
since been built
Mr.. Gilman is the originator of the
exhibition car project, and is touring
the West arranging for 2T5 cars which
will be fitted up by the various states
and taken East TO advertise the coun-
try. He constructed his first ear
twenty-three years ago. The late
George NJ. Pullman became interested
in the scheme with him, and at the
time of his death was half owner.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
FIGURING OUT HER SHARE.

Eunice had been doing some figuring
on her slate.
Papa" she said. do you know this
country eats about 100000 tons OF
sugar every year?"
mo. / don't know it," replied papa,
taught by past experience to be eau
tious.
We'll, it's so. l saw 1t in paper"
Yes, what of 1t. dear?"
Nothing, only I've been fdning out
how much every man. woman and
child in the United States eats on an
average"
We'll. how much is it?"
Its about &c pounds a year don't
believe l eat half of that. and yet you
make fuss every time l want"
"That'll do, child. | surrender
Here's a quarter. Go and get your
box of candy"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
Unnecessary Fear.

Widow Goosetleshel-Oh, dear, oh.
dear, Mis-. Go sup, | can't tell you how
| feel. Whenever l wake up in the
night and it happens to strike u. i'm
agine that my dear. dead husband will
appear to me!
Mrs. Gossup (comforting)-But my
dear. poor woman. how can you imag
inc such thing! Your husband never
did appear until after two in the morn
ing, you know.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
HIS ASCENSION. A
wiz ze be

From the New York Times: When
the young minister of high church
tendencies was called to preside over
a congregation that abhorred ritual
ism. and was a stickler for the sim
plest of services, he called on Bishop
Potter to ask what would be the re-
suit If he went in for ritualism just
bit.
Suppose 1 should burn a pastille
or two during the service; what do
you think would happen, bishop, for
I dearly wish to try the experiment? ?"
"Your congregation would be in
censed. your vestrymen would fume,
and you would go out in smoke. "
auickly replied the bishop.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
DOING HIS REST.

In the early morning l went to the
post Office in an Alabama town to in
quire for mail, but found | was half
an hour too early. I was walking away
when the colored janitor who was
sweeping out called to me and asked:
WAS yo' procrastlnatin' around yere
arter yo'r mail. sah?"
Yes, but | see I'm too early
Yes, sab, too airly. An was yo' a
stranger in dis town."
Yes
AN haint yo' no one to talk tor"
mo"
Den. sab, If yo' don't keer to elm
mate about de street fur half an hour
yo' can stop right yere, an I'll do my
best to consider de reciprocity of de
situashun an make yo' feel to home!"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
Nobility on the Stage,

German mobiles, like their kindred in
England, begin to take to the stage,
says the Worlds Berlin correspondent.
The court theater of Munich boasts a
baron and two counts among its staff.
Not less than 10I mobiles are at present
engaged on the German stage in vari-
Gus capacities.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
HARD LUCK.

The cowboy sat down on the ground,
fingered a roll of bi Is and 10 -ked sadly
at his pard.
Bill" he said, Its no use. l can't
go to town with you to-day"
Why" asked Bill.
1--WE only got s25 to my name.
"Figger it up ag'in," said Bill.
NO use I've figgered it up dozen
times, and it always comes out the
same. Itll take $50 fer the drunk,
dollar an a half fer bed an breakfast,
three an a half fer cartridges. an that
won't leave cussed cent to pay the
fine"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
DOS'Ts FOR GIRLS

Don't waste emotion. Life Is very
short. and excessive feeling disturbs
the brain. weakens the heart and
ages the body.
Don't be proud. Be self-respecung.
Let none use you as stepladder. of-
fer to assist when you can.
Don't preach; live your sermons. Be
honest. virtuous. obliging. merry and
wise. but don't be Pharisaical.
Don't judge men by their raiment
or by their speech. Flattery is cheap
and belittling thing, and many a shah
by man has a noble soul, says the
Pittsburg Chronicle.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
"straws Show which Way the wlna

and the constantly increasing demand
for and steady growth in popularity
of st. Jacobs Oil among all classes OF
people in every part of the civilized
world, show conclusively what remedy
the people use for their Rheumatism
and bodily aches and pains. Facts
speak louder than words. and the fact
remains undisputed that the sale OF st.
Jacobs Oil is greater than all other
remedies for outward application COM
bined. 1t acts like magic. cures where
everything else fails, conquers pain.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
Ladies' Can Wenr Shoes.

One size smaller after using Aliens Foot
Ease, powder. 1t makes tight or new
shoes easy. Cures swollen, hot, sweat
ing, aching feet, ingrowing nails, corns
and bunions. All druggists and shoe
stores 25c. Trial package FREE by mail.
Address Allen S. Olmsted. LeRoY, N. Y.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Brooklyn, N. Y, Oct. 31st.-After in
vestigating Garfield Tea. which is quite
universally acknowledged to be the best
family remedy, it is not difficult to eS-
plain its success-it is the medicine for
GOOD RESULTS! 1t is prepared here
by the Garfield Tea Co. in their new and
attractive laboratory and is made wholly
from simple sweet and withal. HEALTH
GIVING HERBS. Garfield Tea is the
ORIGINAL herb cure for constipation
and sick headache.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
wOMEN's INCOMES.

1t is generally said that in respect
of tipping women are not generous.
They are always credited with narrow
dealings with cabmen, and they do not
fee walters on the same scale as the
other sex. On this subject man al
vavs wakes facetious, but he Is entire
Iy sorgetful of the fact which has been
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

christian Scientists believe in ig-
noring physical distress" "Pshaw,
Christian Science girls race up to the
ice cream soda counter just like all
other girls"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Colonel Ruddygore-what did do
last night?
Hotel Clerk-You got drunk and
shot n man.
Colonel Ruddygore-Is that all? l
was afraid l had insulted somebody;
thanks.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

PUTNAM FADELESS DYES do not
stain the hands or spot the kettle lex
cept green and purple). Sold by drug
gists, l0c. per package.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Honest. now. Uncle Eph m" said one
of the young men did you ever. in all
your life. have as much money as $40 at
one timer Il was wuff eighteen hun ed
dollahs once" replied Uncle Eph'm. stiff-
ly. "ies as / stood"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Little Robbie-Grandma. / know
why you talk so much. Grandma
Well, why is it, dear? Little Robbie
Cause you has got "A double chin.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Senator Hanna having declared that he
knows of over 500 children that have been
named after him, "A paragrapher wants
to ask II he counts all the Hannahs.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

The Floorwalker-Afaggie that's about
the twentieth girl I've seen YOU whisper
ing 10 this morning. What are you tell
sir
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Hamlin's Blood and Liver Pills cure
constipation and all the ills due to it;
25c at your druggists.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

PiSo's Cure for Consumption an infailible
medicine for coughs and colds--N. W. SAMUEL.
Ocean Grove, n. j.. Feb. IL. 1900
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Father (severely)-I notice that Charles
kissed you on leaving again tonight.
tell you frankly don't like IT, Daughter
tsweetly)-Perhaps not, papa. but Charles
does,
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Charles-Did the tailor take your meas
urc? Algy-l think he did. He said I'd
hnve to pay in adNnnce.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Little Willie-Pa? MIR. Hennypeck-
Well. my SOM Little Willie-Is n bald
eagle one that's married?
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

Mrs. Winslow's Soothing syrur-
For children teethng sottens the gums, reduc I'm
rammation allays pain. wind collie 2Jc bottle
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12
FOR WOMEN ANDHOME
ITEMS OF INTEREST FOR MAIDS
AND MATRONS.

Don't Tell Your Woes-Save Your Friends
You May Need Them Some Day
What to Do When BIue-Donts for
Girls.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-12

BeGar-"How is your healt'?"
Smaggs-"Tm just up from a sick
bed"
Strange! Vat is ze matter
wiz ze bed?"
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02
The RIGHT THING TO PUT ON.
(Bensons Plaster IL Pains Mastery

From the natural impulse to "put some
thing on" q painful spot all applications
for the relief of pain have arisen.
The most successful have over been poul.
tees or plasters, and the best Of these il
B~enson's Porous Plaster.
No other has anything like the same
power as q curative agent; 1, is highly and
scientifically medicated, and its standard
is advanced year by year.
Use Benson's Plaster for coughs, colds,
chest diseases, rheumatism, grip, neuralgia,
kidney trouble, lame back, and other all
ments that make Winter a season of suffer-
ing and danger. II relieves and cures
quicker thar any other remedy.
Do no accept Capsicum, STRENGTHENING
or Belladonna plasters in place of Benson's,
as they possess none of its curative power.
Insist on having the genuine.
The people OF every civilized land have
testified for years to tho superlative merit
OF Benson's Plasters; and 5000 physicians
md druggists of this country have declared
them worthy of public confidence.
In official comparisons with others. Ben
sons Plasters have been honored with
UfyJire highest awards.
For sale by all druggists, or we will pre-.
pay postage on any number ordered in the
United States on the receipt Of csc. each.
Accept no imitation or substitute.
Seabury d johnson, Mig. Chemists, NY.
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02
REAL PANAMA HATS.
Made d. Ecuador and Bring from $40
TO elSO, According TO Their
Finsness,

The so-callsd Panama hat, so ex-
tensively in vogue, is not the product
of Panama at all, or even of the state
of Colombia, but. is manufactured in
the neighboring republic of Ecuador
in enormous quantities and of every
variety of shape, texture and quality,
and sold under the general name of
G%uayaquil hats throughout Mexico,
Central America and South America,
at prices varying from so cents up
ward, says n New York News letter.
The hat, however, that is known to
the wealthiest classes of those coun-
tries as the Panama hat is quite a diff
ferent affair, a veritable article de
luxe" selling at prices varying from
$50 to $3.50, according to their fine
ness. They are worn indifferently by
either sex, without ribbon or other
adjournment, as they come from the In
dian makers hands, without profana-
tion of starch, and are the more high
ly priced from the fact that their
closely woven texture not only rem
ders them impervious To the suns
rays, but likewise waterproof, which
last quality is highly esteemed where
ii is deemed e~xpedient to keep the
head dry during the constant equa.
torial showers.
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02

Less than half rates. Colorado and
Utah-August l to 10. Never again,
perhaps will you have such an oppor-
tunity OF visiting Colorado and Utah as
is offered by the Burlington Route,
August l to 10. On those dates the
round.trip tickets to Denver, Colorado
Springs, Glenwood, and Salt Lake City
will be on sale at less than the regular
one,way rate. Return limit October
81. Make mp your mind to go. II you
do not know which of the dozens of
cool resorts in the mountains will suit
you best, write for the Burlington's
Colorado literature-sent on receipt OF
SIX en- in stamps, IL will help you
~deci.e.-J. FRANCIS. General Passen-
ger Agent, Omaha, Neb.
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02
THE HOME GOLD CURE.
An Ingenious Treatment BY which Drunk
ards are Being Cured Daily in Spite Of
Themselves.

-
No Noxious Doses No Weakening Of the
Nerves, A Pleasant and Positive Cure
for the Liquor Habit.
IL is now generally known and under.
stood that Drunkenness is a disease
and not weakness. A body filed with
poison, and nerves completely shattered
by periodical or constant use of intoxi.
eating liquors, requires an antidote
capable of neutraliziDg and eradicating
this poison, and destroying the crav.
ing for intoxicants. Sufferers may
now cure themselves at home without
publicity or loss oi time from business
by this wonderful Home Gold Cure"
which has been perfected after man
years of close study and treatment of
inebriates. The faithful use according
to directions of this wonderful discov-
cry is positively guaranteed to cure the
most obstinate case, no matter how
hard a drinker. Our records show The
marvellous transformation of thousands
of Drunkards into sober, industrious
and upright men.
Wives cur your husbandsM Child
rem cure your fathers!i This remedy
is 10 no sense a nostrum but is a spec.
iic for this disease only, and is so skill.
fully devised and prepared that IL is
thoroughly soluble and pleasant to the
taste, so that it a be given in a cup Of
tea or coffee without the knowledge Of
the person taking it. Thousands of
Drunkards have cured themselves with
this priceless remedy, and as many
more have been cured and made tenn.
perate men by having the Cure" ad.
ministered by loving friends and rela.
tives without their knowledge in coffee
or tea, and believe today that they dis.
continued drinking Of their " free
will. 10 not wait. DO not be deluded
by apparent and misleading ''improve.
ment." Drive out the disease at once
and Tor all time. "The Home Gold
Cure" is sold at the extremely low
price of One Dollar, thus placing with.
in reach Of every body a treatment more
effective than others costing $25 to $50.
Full directions accompany each pack.
age. Special advice by skilled phys 81.
clans when requested without extra
charge. Sent prepaid to any part OF
the world on receipt Of One Dollar.
Address Dept. A 402, Edwin b. Giles Il
Company, 1880 and 2332 Market Street,
Philadelphia.
All correspondence strictly coniden.
tial.
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02
WHO ANSWER "ADS."
Thsrs Are some who DO II ne . Pas
tins, According 10 Al Mans
Experience.

i've actually got so that I dread to
advertise for female employees" said
the manager OF an art store, to a
New York Sun man. IF it was pos
sible to get through the work myself
I'd rather do IL than to interview a
mob of feminine callers.
'To select Il good assistant didn't
use to be such "A big job as it is now.
For one thing, there were rot form
erly so many trifers. You would be
surprised to know how many women
answer advertisements for help who
do not want employment and neither
could nor would take it If IL was of
to them at n good salary. They are
what | call professional advertise
ment answerers.
81 had occasion to advertise only
last week for a clerk, and as a pro-
lection against these nuisances, I
stated that M professional callers
need apply. Yet they came, at least
a dozen Of them. Fortunately. I've
got so l can spot them on short no.
tice, and don't fool away much time
on them.
when the unqualified callers first
began to besiege me in such numbers
l was under the impression that the
regular FOUNDERS we're the repre-
sentatives Of agencies who wished to
get us on their list and furnish their
W applicant on commission, but I
was mistaken in this, for while a few
OF the professionals are connected,
most OF them pursue the fad on their
own accord. 1t is without doubt the
eraziest hobby womankind has ever
ridden, and my only hope is that they
will 500 run down.
"A goodly percentage of these
idlers are social reformers who are
bent on writing books and tracts and
things. Somewhere they have i'm
bibed the idea that men who employ
help are regular vampires, ever on
the lookout for new victims, and their
object in visiting us is to investigate
our methods of securing clerks and
afterward a%cquaint the public with
our evil procedures.
But | can stand even these trouble
some spies with even more equanim-
ity than the woman who, finding time
hang heavily on their hands, tramp
around from Office to Office for the
fun of the thing"
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02

See Yellowstone Park in Augu't.
August is the best month in the year
to make the trip through Yellowstone
Park-and the last half Of the month
is better than the first. The climate is
perfect. The middle west may be
sweltering with heat, but Yellowstone
Park is as cool as cool can be. 1t could
hardly be otherwise. for it is 5000 feet
above the level of the sea, and COM
ple,ely surrounded by snowcappeG
peaks. Write to j. Francis, General
Passenger Agent, Burlington Route,
Omaha, Neb., for folder giving full in
formation about the park. 1t contains
a large map Of the park, as we'll as a
description Of the principal points OF
interest. Excursion rates daily-ask
the ticket agent about them.
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02
Nebraska Epworth Assembly, at Lincoln
Park, August 7 to IS.

Thousands of Nebraska Methodists
look forward with keenest pleasure to
semb.y.
The location is ideal, and the pro-
gram can always be depended upon to
amuse, instruct and elevate.
This years assembly will maintain
the high standard of previous years.
The program includes such lecturers
and entertainers as Eli Perkins, Col.
Balm, Mrs. Chant, RObt. Mcintyre,
Fred Emerson Brooks, s. r, StOddard
and Sam Jones.
Half rates to Lincoln via the Burling-
ton Route, August 6, 7, s, 10, IA and IS,
good to return until August 16.
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02
500 Reward. 500.

The readers of this paper will be
pleased 10 learn that there is at least
II dreaded disease hat science has
been able 10 cure in all its stages, and
that is catarrh. Halls Catarrh Cure
is the only positive cure known tn the
medical fraternity. Catarrh being II
constitutional disease, requires a con
siitutional treatment. Hairs Catarih
Cure is taken internally actirg directly
on the blood and mucous surfaces of
the system, thereby destroying the
foundation Of the disease, and giving
the patient strength by building up the
constitution aud assisting nature in do.
ing its work. The proprie,ors have
80 much faith in its curative powers
that they offer One Hundred Dollars
for any case that it fails To cure. Write
for list of testimonials. Address,
+. j. CHENEY Il Co., Toledo, o.
Sold by druggists, Zoe.
Halls Family Pills are The best.
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02

There Is a disease prevailing In this
country most dangerous because so decep-
tive. Many sudden deaths are caused by
it-heart disease, pneumonia. heart failure
or apoplexy are often the result Of kidney
disease. II kidney trouble is allowed to ad-
vance the kidney-poisoned blood will attack
the vital organs, or the kidneys themselves
break down and waste away cell by cell.
Then the richness Of the blood-the albumen
leaks out and the sufferer has Bright's
Disease. the worst form Of kidney trouble.
DR.. Kilmer's Swamp-RoOt the new dis
covery Is the true specific for kidney, bladder
and urinary troubles. 1t has cured thousands
Of apparently hopeless cases, after all other
efforts have failed. At druggists in fifty-cent
and dollar sizes. A sample bottle sent free
by mail, also a book telling about Swamp
Root and Its wonderful cures. Address
Dr.. Kilmer & Co., Binghamton. N. Y. and
mention this paper.
The Red Cloud chief., 1901-08-02
Use Aliens Ease.

a powder to be shaken into the
shoes. Your feet feel swollen, nervous
and hot, and get tired easily. II You
have smarling feet ~ tight shoes, Try
Aliens Foot Ease. It. cooIS the feet and
makes walking Easy. Cures swoolen,
sweating feet, ingtowing nails, blisters
and callous spots. Relieves corns and
bunions of all pain and gives rest and
comfort. Try it to-day. Sold by all
druggists and shoe stores for 25c. Trial
package free. Address, Allen 5. Ohm
sted, LIE Roy, N. Y.
The Houston daily post. [volume] (Houston, Tex.) 1886-1903, 1901-06-28
CoMPTRo1LrR's ACTION

Washington, June 81 Comptroller Dawes
ordered the closing OF the Seventh Ma
tional bank Of New York and appointed
Forrest Raynor. National bank examiner
temporarily as receiver Later the comp
froler stated that on Tuesday he received
word from the National bank examiner that
Henry Marqunnd & CO, had recently be-
come Indebted In a sum approximating
81. 100000 to the Seventh National bank
of New York which was secured by col.
lateral Of a doubtful nature Upon re-
ceipt on Wednesday Of further information
regarding the mature OF the collateral se
curing this loan, he sent telegram to n.
X. Thomas, president Of the Seventh Ma.
tional bank as follows;
II have just received information from
the National bank examiner that Henry
Marquand & Co. have loans of large
amounts In your bank, apprOxlmatlnr
tcrily assured that this loan will he taken
NJ and cash therefore put into tho bank
by Saturday night, July 30 i will appoInt
a receiver for the bank. Please convene Tho
hoard, of directors and announce thlg to
them"
In explanation Of the condition lmposed
the comptroller states that, while advances
had been made by the directors 10 the
hank, they had been made upon the credit
of good securities owned by the bank, but
that no such advances affected the ha: ~
solvency while the Henry Marquand pancr
him, In the performance Of his duty, Ia
promptly Impose these conditions before
further Withdrawals Of deposits were made
The comptroller stated that the Marduaud
loan Is partially secured and IT is hoped
that the loss to depositors viii not be large