The Washington times., 1901-12-01
UNCLE TITUS, DISCOVERY.
What Comes of Holding Too Advanc-
ed Ideas.

| what prone to the acceptance of new
ideas. Indeed, it ceems as if he invited
them to accept him. and they usually do.
During their possession it has often gone
hard win Uncle Titus
There was the timeg dur rs his youth,
when apostles of the Oneida Community, or
something of that nature, got hoii of him
and almost converted him to the doc
trines of Tennessee ClaGin and Victoria
| Woodruff; but the advent of Aunt Maria
diverted his attention. There was another
! crisis in his life when he wanted to give
away his property and wait for the end
of the world; but the judgment day did
not come on schedule time and after it
was all over Aunt Maria had the farm
| In her own name.
| For the most part, however, the ideas
| which have at one time or another owned
! Uncle Titus have caused nothing worse
| than slight inconvenience to the family
and general interest among the neighbors.
| One of the advantages of living in Amer
| lea is that persons of Uncle Titus tenn
! permanent are encouraged to make the
| most of themselves instead of being sent
| to liberia, and it makes life interesting.
| After awhile my Uncle Titus gave up
| miracles and went in for science. He ex-
planned that everything is governed by
| law in this and other universes, and that
| the course of human events can be fig
ured out with the mathematical accuracy
| of problem on a chessboard. After he
| finished ranscendentalism, and panthe-
ism, and theosophy, and slate-writing, and
| spirftualism, and socialism and palm
istry, he went in for natural law. 1t
seemed to relieve his mind. He found q
great deal of comfort in explaining all
kinds of things, from sunspots to why
the butter would not come. According to
him. the two were in some way connec-
ted, but nobody ever could find out just
where the string was tied. The queerest
thing about it all seemed to be that there
was nothing to do but to let matters take
their course. just as If one did not know
what the trouble was. Aunt Martha said
that if she knew what was the matter
with her squash bed she believed she
could have better luck next year; and then
Uncle Titus pounced on her for saying
that there was any such thing as luck;
1t was all natural law. Sam Perkins
thought that if my uncle had ever played
poker he would know differently.
They went to Chautauqua that year
and Uncle Titus was in his element.
There was solemn looking man in
broadcloth, with a white muffler, among
the boarders, and Uncle Titus singled him
out as kindred spirit. My uneles eyes
began to get bright, and his hands moved
nervously He started conversation be-
fore very long, and drifted it around to
psychology.
You see," said Uncle Titus, working
his fayorite gestures, when we come to
understand the spiritual laws which gov
ern the universe, life will be rendered
much simpler, and many Of the problems
which perplex humanity will be solved.
Now, this question of marriage, for in
stance
The Randolphs drew nearer. They real
lied that a great and fne conversation
was going on, and that they ought not to
miss any Of it. Marriage" quoth Uncle
Titus, should be determined by spiritual
affinity; and the spiritual affinity shows
itself in a thousand little features of the
body. which are as plain as print say
as plain as print to the soul who can read
them Alright. Now, a woman with dark
hair, dark eyes and slender figure should
never marry a man of similar physical
characteristics, because, although there
may be certain superficial affinity, they
viii radically disagree. Both are too
much inclined to demand perfection in
others, too much devoted to the ideal.
The first little rift within the lute--it may
be nothing more than an underdone
chop"
Mrs. Randolph began to cry.
"Will arouse irritability in the husband
and he will exhibit a violent and ungov-
ernable temper, whereas--''
"Madelinei' exclaimed Mr.. Randolph
what in the world is the matter?"
"Oh, it's all true, it's all true. sobbed
Mrs. Randolph, "oHly the chop was a
steak and it was bu-u-rnti And you know
what you said. and how little you con
trolled yourself, and-and-and-"
Randolph muttered something under his
breath which did not sound as if he had
learned it at Chautauqua, and he went out
Of one door and slammed it, and his wife
went out of the other with her handker-
chief TO her eyes.
Il did not expect to find so good an IL
lustration," said Uncle Titus, Ilacidly.
Now, there are certain marks by which
the degenerate can be recognized. The
ear, for example. is pointed. The eye
brows are of this conhguration on'-waving
his fingers in the air THE complexion
is sallow, the hair straight and coarse. the
disposition reserved and 5ullen.'
Hes notI exclaimed Mrs. Evans, in
dignantly. My boy. is not in the least
sullen. and what is a degenerate, I should
like to know?"
"A degenerate" answered Uncle Titus.
with seraphic smile, is a person with
undeveloped criminal traits, or imbecile
II Is from tne RANKS OF tneSe un1OrtunateS
that our lunatic asylums, our poorhouses
and our prisons are filled. II had my
way all such children should be taken from
their parents, and"
Mrs. Evans rose majestically, and start
ed to say something. She was forestalled
by the solemn man in broadcloth, who ad-
dressed Uncle Titus with an air OF a per-
son who has something to say which is
really needing 10 be said
Mr. Tunstall" said he, Il do not think
you recognize me, but l used to know you
a great many years ago My name is Sllas
Turner. II I remember rightly. your
father and mother were thin people with
dark hair aud eyes. And if you will 20
and look in the glass you will find that you
have the ears, the eye. the eyebrow. and
the nose which you have been describing.
Now you, as a degenerate"
"Wh-wh- what?" exclaimed my Uncle
Titus. Then he rushed to the mirror and
gazed at 1t as IL he would read its inmost
soul. When he turned away he looked
very meek, and he used the speech of his
boyhood.
wall. ST." he said. 81 calculate you're
'baout right"
1t took the rest of the week for Uncle
Titus to work himself up to the point
where he could get interested in anything
resembling a theory. But he
came away from Chautauqua Christian
Scientist.
He Smoked Desnife The ou.an