Ellsworth American. [volume] (Ellsworth, Me.) 1855-current, 1901-06-05
SMITH AND JONES'

~ &c uifoiSeu lronl the Dad Wlfe SO that
he could marry the pretty woman, who,
by the way, was widow with sparkling
black eyes and raven tresses. Smith had
good wife, plump as a robin, good as
an angel and the mother of ten children.
Smith sought to get a charter for a turn
pike from Pigs Run to Terrapin Hol-
low. Both gave wine suppers to the leg
islators, and both got their bills through.
My love- said Smith when he was
once more comfortably ensconced before
ms own domestic hearthstone and speak
ing to his wife, who was ministering to
the necessities of the youngest offspring,
II am one of the directors of the Pigs
hun and Terrapin Hollow turnpike and
Will be president, my dear. 1t will quite
set us up In life. We will send our chill
dren to boarding school and live in style
OH the tolls. Here's the charter, ducky."
Let me see it, pet" said the wife, who
was the best of wives, with plumpness
and good nature beamipg all over her
face. She nestled on Smiths shoulder
and threw her arm lovingly about his
neck as she helped him examine the
parchment
Suddenly Smiths visage grew long
His wife's looked blank. Smith was not
generally profane, but now he ripped out
q fearful oath.
Blast it, wife," he shouted furiously,
those internal scoundrels at Trenton
have divorced usr'
1t was too true. The parchment he
held was bill of divorce, in which the
names of Smith and his wife appeared in
frightfully big letters. Mrs Smith wiped
her eyes with the corner of her apron as
she exclaimed:
oh, dear, here's turnpike! Mr..
Smith, with the whole ten of our chill
dren staring me in the face, l amt your
wife,
Here the voice of the poor woman be-
came choked with sobs, and her utter
ances were too indistinct to be recorded.
As for Smith, he cursed away at such
rate as would have convinced any spec
tator of the propriety of sending him a
missionary. Although the night was
dark and the denizens of the village had
retired to their beds, Smith babe his wife
put on her bonnet. and. arm in arm, they
proceeded to the house of the clergyman
of their church.
Goodness, bless mer' exclaimed the
mild, good man as he saw them enter,
Smith looking like the last June shad,
and Smiths wife's face all streaked with
tears. what is the matter?"
"The matter is. 1 want you to marry us
right off" replied Smith.
"Marry you'll" exclaimed the astonish-
ed clergyman, with expanded fingers and
wondering eyes. "Are you drunk or
crazy?"
81 amt crazy. and wish I was
drunk" said Smith desperately. "The
fact is, Brother Goodwin. some scoun-
drels at Trenton have, unknown to us,
divorced me from my wife,"
Well, the minister married them.
Smith and his wife went home and kiss
ed every one of their ten children, and
the little Smiths never knew that their
father and mother had been made stran-
gers to each other by legislative enact
ment.
Meanwhile and on the selfsame night
Jones returned to his native town and
sought the fine pair Of black eyes which
he hoped shortly to call his own. The
pretty widow sat on the sofa. a white
handkerchief tied carelessly about her
round. white throat and her black hair
laid in silky waves against her rosy
cheek.
"Divorce is the wordv' cried Jones,
l.
fact is, Eliza, I am rid of that cursed
woman, and you and I will be married
tonight. | know how to manage those
fellows at Trenton. A champagne sup
per-or was it a breakfast-did our bust
ness with them. Put on your bonnet and
let us go to the preachers at once, dear
est"
The widow. who was among widows
a v,,1fn hnr
bonnet and took Jones' arm. and
''Just look how handsomely it is put on
parchment" cried Jones, pulling the doc
ument out before her. Heres the law
which says that Jacob Jones and Ann
Caroline Jones are two. Look at itv'
Putting her plump gloved hand on his
shoulder, she did look at it.
"Oh, dear!'' she cried with her rosebud
lips and sank back. half fainting, on the
sofa.
''Oh, blszes" cried Jones. rumpling the
parchment In his hand. Here's lots of
champagne and happiness gone to ruin"
1t was a hard case. Instead of being
divorced and at liberty to marry the
widow, Jacob Jones was simply, by the
legislature of New Jersey, Incorporated
into turnpike company, with the liberty
of constructing turnpike from Burling-
ton to Bristol. When you reflect that
Burlington and Bristol are located about
mile apart, on opposite sides of the
Delaware river. you will perceive the ex-
IRENE hopelessness of Jones' case.
''It's all the fault of that turnpike man
who gave them the superior was it the
breakfast" cried Jones in his agony. "If
they had only chartered me to lay turn
pike from Pigs Run to Terrapin Hollow,
I might have borne it, but the very idea
of laying turnpike across the Delaware
river from Burlington to Bristol is an
internal absurdity!'
So it was.
"And amt you divorced?" said Eliza,
tear rolling down each cheek.
mo" Numbered Jones, crushing his
hat between his knees. "And. what is
worse, the legislature has adjourned and
gone home and won't be back to Trenton
until next year"
1t was sad. The mistake had occurred
on the last day of the session. when the
legislators and transcribing clerks were
laboring under the effects of a cham