Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1901-11-22
TAUGHT BY THE BIRDS
OUR REPORTER TAKES A"FIRST
LESSON" FROM SEA CULLS.

WI s'-' WI Stb tSANGS -
LESSON" FROM SEA CULLS.
The Spirits of Book Agents, Lightning Rod Men,
Mining Sharps, and of Various Other Fakrs
are RehabiIitated in the Form of Gulls and
Fill Out Their Pursatory on Earth by Watch.
ing the Ebb and Flow Of Tide, with Sewage
Diet. as Penance for "GulIins" Humanity
While in the NobIer Form of Man.
Truth is the one card that a report
or can always play with success. at
is so, because | saw it in the STAND
ARD" has become stock phrase.
Whatever my defects and short.com.
ings as a reporter may be, l pride my
self on the absolute truth of all
write, and l patted myself on the back
as listlessly watched lately from the
Long Bridge, the seagulls and listened
to their horrid screeching. The origi-
nal seagull must have taken vocal
lessons from an old Indiana barn door
creaking on its hinges, or from a load.
ed OK wagon going down hill with a
tight brake on. Half q score OF boys,
with their voices changing, singing in
chorus, would make sweeter music
than the gulls. Even Arnold, or Rice,
or Urso, playing the fiddle are not half
so unmusical.
Thus unused, and wondered what
curse had been visited upon them that
they should not only be the scaven-
gers OF the sea, but that they should
sing such unholy songs, and sing them
SO long and loud-what problcml
Just then, l hear a voice saying,
You are pretty hard on US, young
man."
looked around, but no one was in
sight. The gulls were gathered by the
hundreds down on a boom of logs, and
were screeching worse than the hack
men at the San Francisco docks.
But one old gull, gray and gaunt,
was standing on one leg on the top of
pile, and seemed to be watching me
closely. l looked at him and he said /:
"You did not hear me. You are
thinking pretty meanly OF u.s."
Well, l had heard parrots and
iawdaws and ravens talk, but a gull !!
! grasped the rail to keep from falling
into the bay.
The gull continued: "You don't
like their music; we'll it isn't music.
Those birds arc not trying to sing"
"The deuce you say! said ], Well,
what are they doing?"
The gull flew to pile within three
feet of me and, cooking his head on
one side with knowing look, said :
"They are Just continuing the perni-
cious habits OF their former lives"
Former lives? What do you
mean?" said l.
"Well, you see, gulls are simply the
various so-called agents who have
preyed on human gulls all their lives
in other words, gulled them. Notice
that fellow way up there, soaring
around and screeching like an Indian
on the war path"
"Yes; what OF him?"
Well. he was a lightning-rod agent
back east. Once he sold an old negro
q hundred and fifty dollar lightning
rod to protect seventy-five dollar
shack. He has to stay up there until
all the sewage is gobbled up"
"That's an awful gang on that lot
OF boom sticks. What are they max
ing such racket about| asked l.
Book agents, reciting the prospect
us of books that nobody wants, miser-
ably printed and worse bound and sold
at two prices over a good book. They
never let up. l really don't know
what we will do for room for them
there are dozens OF them in each of
those gulls now, and the crop OF 1901
MoKinley's Life" agents and the
Christmas books agents have not yet
commenced to get in. IT'S awful on
us when great man dies. Why there
was Buzzard & Co. had their prospect
us out before President Mckinley was
buried. The peoples hearts are
stirred and now is the time to reap a
golden harvest selling his life,' said
they. Book agents are the noisest
gang we have to take care Of"
"What are those solemn-looking
fellows, with deep screech like fog.
horn with hoarsenessr
"Those are old-line insurance
agents, who promise big dividends that
never come and charge three prices
for insurance and pose as philanthro-
pists. Building and loan agents are
in the same class. Notice them! They
never skirmish for themselves, but
they watch and wait until duck
bring up fish and then they pounce
down and take it away. The ruling
passion is strong after death, you see."
Well, there's another gang over
there, each one perched upon a pile
by himself. Are they book agents,
too?"
"No, indeed; those are the sure
thing oil stock and "mining stock
men; the Col. Sellers Millions in It.
fellows. Just watch them. Every
time they fly down for piece of car
rion, or to take fish from a duck,
some other gull gets in just ahead Of
them and they get left"
"Well, say my friend, you seem to
know all about gulls," said I, May /
inquire who you are?"
81? am Kelley of motor fame.
After spending twenty years and get
ting millions out of fake machine,
l can't give it up. l am still at my
old misunderstanding suckers" and
with that he gave an unearthly screech
and dived down on the back of duck
and skillfully took fish from his bill.
And rs l wandered away, said to
myself, wonder il he meant me?"