davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
PENNY WISE.
EXERCISE No. ".

WRITTEN FOR THE SUNDAY REPUBLIC
Oh. my links! see the rubber plant!
How loose your words are tied to your
throat! That, is not a rubber plant. That
is our dear old friend, Harold Handface.
He is the gentleman who be-liveses in the
old pro-verb which tells us that. Another
mans newspaper will give US all the news
We need except when he turns over"
, How romantic!
Yes: he roams INCREASINGLY through tn,
street car jungles with a fierce hunger in
his heart for headlines. But Harold never
coughs for his information.
You cruelty dis-tort my meaning. re-
fer-ed to the fact that Harold never buys a
paper. He prefers to hang his head grace
fully over the shoulder Of a perfect stran-
ger and steal his SENSATIONS of the hour.
How CRIMINAL!
Yes; but remember. my dear. that by
saving a penny a day for eight thousand
years you will acquire a competence suf-
h-ciently large to buy a home on Fifth ave-
nue. and spend your time H. Europe.
1 never thought Of that. But look closer
at your friend Me-thinks I detect an air Of
"efri-Mehs upon his features
POSSIBLY you do. He was read-ins a very
interesting article about the Boer war.
and had just reached a climax when tho
selfish man who owns the paper turned the
page over. Now Harold does not know
whether General De Wet has cap-it-u-
lated Or has taken the war to the summer
resort lear observation-disclosures.
Observation-Disclosures.
How in-ex-press-ibIy sad!
Yes; We must sorrow for Harold because
OF his tender little wife at home who will
meet him at the door Of his nat and with
the love-light shining In her eyes will ask
him what's the news. And how can he an
swer those sweet INTERPRETATIONS when the
cruel creature who owned the paper turned
the page over?
Does the man who owns the paper belong
to a hor-rid Trust?
Yes; he is one Of the vice presidents Of
the G~ng-Suferers' Union, which Is conn
posed principally OF people who have to
travel on street cars.
Oh!
but come; let US run down to Washing
ton Market and ave the butcher kill IN a
brace OF cantaloupes for supper.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
MEMORABLE LOGIC.

II there are q few St. Louis Demo
Gratis who intend to vote against the
regular Democratic ticket next Tues.
day they must be prepared to abide by
the logic Of their action as bearing up
on future developments. q
It - logically inevitable that the
Democratic bolter in Tuesdays election
forever places the stamp Of his personal
approval on those who followed private
opinions and voted against Mr.. Bryan
on the silver issue. Never thereafter
can such q ID have . word to say, or
. standing in court, on q question Of
regularity. He will have surrendered
al right to protest within the party.
He win have 10 accept the consequences
Of his own ruling that boilers are bolt
era.
How Is there any escape from this IL
Democrats who bolt the Democratic
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
IN SESSION.
NO. III.


WRITTEN o THE SUNDAY
See the meet-ing of So-ro-sis!
oh. fudge! and, in-ci-den-ta1-ly. tush tut
Is 1t not an INSPIRING sight to see WON
an. lovely woman all assembling in happ,
unison in their beautiful clubrooms to dis
cuss ways and means to better mankind?
Fix your pipe; the smoke is getting in your
eyes.
What do you mean!
: That is not a meeting Of the So-ro-sis.
No!
Not on your photographs.
What is it. then?
1t is q street-car con-ver-saz-i-one-that'!
what II Is.
And what is that. pray?
1t is something like the Order Of Buna,
j loes. only the initiation fees do not give
you a headache the next day.
What Is the object of this street car con-
ver-saz-i-one?
The object Is to talk fast enough to
CORNER OF the car.
DO you mean the machine with the bell in
1t?
Yes: the machine that was invented to
keep conductors from buying bon-bons
] and seal skin Sacuues for their wives.
! You interest me; go on.
Well. In a street car conversations two
constitutes a quorum. They generally sit
as far away from each other as possible so
that the other passengers may act as ref
er-ees in case Of a clinch.
How odd!
Yes; the meeting is called to order by one
lady asking how Aunt Fanny is to-day.
Then the other gets in a short-arm tab
about Uncle Silas.
1t must be very collaborating for the
other passengers!
1t is: especially when they move the
previous question and proceed to rumple
tn repatriation of a very dear friend by the
name Of Mrs. Dibbs, just newly married
All!
When they start In to rumple a rep-u-ta-
ton the session reaches the stage which
Is technically known as ga few momepts
with the hammer"
1 should think the other passengers
would become nervous.
What a crude guess builder you are! Don't
you remember that fifteen minutes ago
every other passenger got up and left the
car? Even now the conductor Is trying to
think out a system of painless sui-i-cide.
Is 1t not TERRIBLE?
Yes: let US hurry away before we are
hauled up as accessories before the
crime.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
AYoUrHruL BAcrERroLoGrsr,
/

EXERCISE no. I.
WRITTEN o THE SUNDAY REPUBLIC.
oh! my goodness me. how sweetly tina
man in the street car is snii-ling!
Fix your spec-tacles, my dear! the mai
Is not SMILING. On the contrary. he is pro
voked. II you were to hand him a shingle
nail he would undoubtedly bite it into
hashy fragments.
Is It possible?
Oh! yes: 1t is possible. II I could only
catch the motor-map,s eye1 would stop the
car and prove It. But as you doubtless are
aware. my dear. there is only one thing on
earth harder to catch than a motorman's
eye.
And what Is that?
The motorman's other eye. That is right
little one: always laugh with a rising In
Election on the final ha!
Oh! see the cumming little boy in the car!
You are too late. The gentleman next to
him saw the little boy first. If you Will
turn the breast pocket in the gentle-man's
coat inside out you will notice that his wife
has ta-tooed his name on the lining there
of with red yarn. All, yes; there 1t Is: John
Banister Giutsen!
And what is the little boys name?
His name will be Splinters II Mr. John
Ban.nIsrer Glutsen ever gets a chance TO
upper-cut his ANATOMY with q curry-comD.
How appalling! What has the little boy
done to Mr.. John Ban-nister Glutsen?
II you will look carefully you will OBJ
serve that the little boy is accompanied
by his feet. On the little boys feet are
his shoes. On the shoes is a choice assort-
ment Of mud. In the mud 3S7,s64 different
families Of microbes have built their cosey
little nests and are doing light house-keep-
Ing. They are very, very happy. of course.
But the little boy is so generous. lie
knows that the gentleman will travel q
greater distance than he. He also knows
that microbes love to travel. Therefore he
is transferring the mud in picturesque
gobs to the gentle-man's nice. new over
coat. The little boy is having a good time,
the microbes are!taving a good time and
pretty soon the gentleman will have a fit.
What does the little boy see through the
window? -
That is a difficult question to answer,
but IL he persists in trans-plant-ing mi
crobes he will, soon see his finish.
Oh! r,I II
Come, let US go away before Mr.. John
Bannister Gluetsen begins to talk rapidly
of the harsh language might hit you
on the ko-ko. m
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
CATCHING A A
EXERCISE so. III.

awe
WRITTEN o THE SUNDAY REPUBLIC
o, my Scott! see the young may trying
TO tie himself into a true lovers knot! Ha:
the young lady Tilted him
Nc: but she has jolted him.
l do not understand
There are others who do not understand
why a woman wants to wear an annex te
her tailor-made.
How strangely you talk!
Not at all. my dear. Do you not see that
the lady IS rushing fran-ti-cally away In a
north-east-er-ly direction?
Yes.
How is her dress built?
With guimpes. I think
With guimpes. indeed! Don't you know
that 1t is very wicked to permit a word Xix
"guimpes" to run around loose in YOU
brain? There Is no telling what harm g
man-eating word like that may do II yot
have not taken the pre-caution to chain it
Tush! tush! I am panied and shocked be
yond expression!
Oh! please do not scold me!
| Very we'll. then. I won't. Where were
We at?
You were speaking of the lady's dress.
True; this Is a lesson in hydraulics. You
will notice that the lady's dress is built in
two sections, like a fast freight train. The
second section always runs five minutes be-
hind the first.
~ VAC q AAhSt S"e u fIdu IAs
caught Is the second sectIon7
Your powers OF penetration will some
day land you in Congress or the electric
chair. you see II they don't!
Is the young man glad he caught the
train?
Ask him; 1 dare you!
VIII the young man ever be able to re-
move that ag-on-ized expression from his
face?
Yes; possibly II will look like rain to-mor-
row and the young man will carry an um-
brell-a under his arm. Then those who walk
behind will borrow the expression he is
now wearing.
In the meantime what will become of the
young lady?
She will go home and tell mamma that a
perfect brute OF a hor-rid. clumsy man
stepped on her second section and uprooted
ten safety pins. sprained four hooks and
eyes and put a crimp in her belt buckle,
and she looked a perfect fright all the rest
of the Afternoon. SO there!
How SID it all IS!
Yes: and next week She will meet the
same young man at n reception and she
will rush home and tell mamma that he Is
the most perfectly lovely man that ever
threw a goo-gOo.
What Is a goo-goo?
H-s-s-s-s-s-h! Not SO loud! Mrs. Nation
might hear US and bite us with her little
Ratchet.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

woman unknown to me at present. except
through her beautiful work. I hope to have
the great privilege Of meeting her this aft
ernoon. and / am ardently dreaming that
she will like me as well as I like her"
"Ah!" said the young man, much inter-
ested. D you like to tell me her name?'
Indeed" cried Mary Bell, II would rath-
er speak her name than not. It Is q dis
tinguished one-it Is Helen Hepburn"
For some reason that Mary Bell could not
surmise this remark appeared to discomnt
the young mar exceedingly. though he did
not look displeased. but conversation tagged
between them. It seemed almost as IL they
had suffered some sort Of misunderstanding.
At Clinton Mary Bell got her belongings
together and held out her hand to her COM
panton as the train moved into the station.
She desired to part good friends with him
he was certainly a delightful young man!
b q pity, she thought, hat we cannot
keep within our knowledge the people We
meet n choose.
Ships that pass in the night, and sneak each
other In passing.
Only = signal shown and . distant voice in tbs
darkness;
SO, on tbs ocean Of life, We pass and speak one
Only a look and . voice. then darkness aesin
and q silence"
Some one came busting up-evidently .
member of the Reception Committee.
are you MISS duncan! i tnouGnt 30.
Where's Mr.. Denslow? We expected him on
this train"
Mary Bells companion raised his hat.
THAT IL my NAME, madam"
3 glad! Did YOU two travel down to-
But perhaps not. Allow me, Miss
Iuncan-otherwise Bryant Hawley-Mr.
known as Helen Hepburn.
The two bowed stifiy. They were dis
tinctly embarrassed They both b!ushed:
they laughed.
Please get in this carriage" said the
Dustling lady: Il believe you are both to be
entertained at the same house"
This was the beginning of a lifelong ro-
Afho Chicago Tribune.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
new NATIONAL BUREAU
OF WEIGHTS AND MEASURES

Uncle Sans new National Bureau of
Standards, for the building Of which Con-
gress has appropriated $50, 900. Is the lar
gest bureau added to the Government for
many. years. 1t will be the ribuna! OF
last appeal, whereat disputes as to the ac-
curacy of weights and measuring instru-
ments can be finally settled.
This new bureau will save millions OF
dollars a year to our great industries,
will make the researches Of scientists
more accurate, will enable the surveyor TO
stake out our building and farm lots with
greater precision. will give the people bet
ter measure of dry goods, groceries, gas
and electric light. This Bureau Of Stand
ards will correct our weights and meas
ures, that they may all be equally uni
form. It will test yard sticks. meter sticks.
peck measures. litre measures. pound
weights. kilogram weights. thermometers.
steam gauges and all kinds of delicate
measuring devices. 1t will stamp each with
a Government stamp certifying its truth
fitness or error.
A representative Of each measuring or
Weighing instrument to be thus tested and
stamped will be stored In the new bureau
as the standard Of that particular meas
ure and weight. with which all others Of
its class must be compared.
The bureau will establish a standard
electric cell. measuring standard volts; in
deed, electric standards of many kinds. AL
though applications of electricity represent
a rapidly growing business with invest
ments Of 1000. 0c0,0 600. there are in this
country no facilities for testing meters and
other instruments used in electric meas
urements.
A standard thermometer will be another
of the many instruments to be stored in
this bureau.
There will be a standard yard graduated
into standard feet and inches; other stand
ards Of length, standards Of weight, guam
tity. electricity. heat. light. pressure and SO
on, with their subdivisions and multiples.
To-day we are dependent upon Germany.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

ticket next Tuesday are honest IL their
own stated reasons: The ticket was
regularly nominated IN n Democratic
city convention. The delegates 10 that
convention were elected by the Demo-
cratic voters OF st. Louis at primaries
held for that purpose.
Just the moment a st. Louis Demo-
crat bolts this ticket he Endorses the
action Of those who voted against Mr..
Bryan on the silver issue, and his fu-
ture course must be controlled by the
logic of the situation which he himself
thus creates.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
PARKER AND ST. LOUIS.

When you come to consider Mr..
George W. Parker 40 a candidate for
the Worlds Fair Mayoralty of st. Louis
the conviction forces itself upon your
mind that Mr.. Parker himself has made
1t impossible that he shall be favorably
regarded in such Q light.
This Is due to what an afternoon
organ Of Mr.. Parker and the Ziegen-
helm gang calls healthy conservatism"
on Mr.. Parker's part It was healthy
conservatism" which led Mr.. Parker to
be . Worlds Fair 'knocker' from the
beginning Of the movement This spirit
Of healthy conservatism" made Mr..
Parker refuse to give one dollar. In
tact It has not been discovered that MI.
Parker NJ e gave a dollar to any PRO
bono publico" institution.
Unfortunately for Mr.. Parker, the
people Of st. Louis do not regard bis
Knocking" Of the Worlds Fair as
healthy conservatism" They regard
1t 70 Enthusiastically as indicating q self
ish indifference to st. Louis's interests
that they win not support Mr.. Parker
for the Worlds Fair Mayoralty. They
Dee plainly the incongruity Of electing
a Worlds Fair Mayor a man whose
record 10 that Of q Worlds Fair knock.
er." It would make st. Louis ridiculous
in the worlds eyes
Mr.. Parker has himself to thank for
this. He had his choice between 10y
ally serving st. Louis, at, perhaps, some
little personal cost, or Of refusing to
render such service because of its pos
sible cost to Parker. He chose the lat
ter. He must abide by the result. Since
he has elected to be for Parker against
81. Louis the voters Of St. Louis will
be for ST. Louis against Parker.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
VEST Is FOR WELLS.

Senator Vest declared, in a card pub
lished in Friday's Republic, that his
| earnest solicitude for the success Of the
Louisiana Purchase Exposition impels
him to say frankly that, If a citizen of
st. Louis, he should cast his vote for
Mr.. Wells, the Democratic nominee for
Mayo.
This is the spirit which should AMI
mate all citizens of st. Louis, regardless
of party affiliations. Under existing
conditions, the election Of any other
candidate than Mr.. Wells would con-
stitute a misfortune for st. Louis and a
menace to the Worlds Fair. Especially
would the election of Mr.. Parker be dis
a%strous, because It would place st.
Louis at the mercy of the Ziegenhein
gang throughout the Worlds Fair
period.
Mr.. Wells has no political ambitions
which would lead him to use his power
as Mayor for the building up Of a Wells
machine. He is earnestly loyal to the
good Of the city in which his entire life
has been spent, and his n and only
desire is to advance the interests of
that city. His business training, his
integrity, his strong will, his determine
ton to enter Office unpledged to any
special element or influence, admirably
equip him for service as a Worlds Fair
Mayor.
SOlicitude for the success Of the
Louisiana Purchase Exposition should
lead all good citizens Of st. Louis to
vote for Mr.. Wells next Tuesday His
election would mark the termination OF
gang misrule and the beginning of good
government In st. Louis. And these
things are now imperatively necessary.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

France and England-which have Standard
izing bureaus-for these corrections.
What is practically our standard for
measuring length at the present time Is to
be found here. This is known as the "stand-
ard METER a bar OF metal kept in three or
four cases for its protection. This bar cost
$500. and the metal alone in 1t is said to be
valued at 81, 500.
The United States standard kilogram,
which was obtained from Paris, is a dupli-
cate Of the worlds standard kilogram. in
stalled In that city. 1t is a small cylinder
of the same metal used in the constr1,ction
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
ENGLISH PUBLISHERS
find FORTUNES HERE.

More than one English publisher Is seri-
ously thinking Of starting a business in the
United States. Some years ago the amount
Of business done by English publishers IN
America was comparatively small. and an
American house was often an unproit-
able enterprise; but Of late the sale Of
books there has been so gigantic that more
than one English publisher has within the
last twelve months made considerably more
out Of his American business than out Of
his business at home.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Until the Republicans coached him
Meriwether made no %pretensions Of
being a Democrat this spring. Both
Parker and Meriwether are now dan
cling to the music furnished by the lie
genhein orchestra. And the fun Of it is
that Meriwether has crowded Parker
off the floor.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Having been betrayed by Meriwether
as a bell-wether for tolling away Demo-
cratic votes from Wells. the Ziegenhein
gang now regard their quondam ally as
q black sheep.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

By voting Eyes" on the proposition to
divert an additional fifth of a mill from
the general revenues for the support Of
the library, Andrew Carnegie's gift of
$1,OO0,000 will be assured. No one
should neglect to help.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

So far the Republican managers have
failed to state how much it costs to run
two campaigns. Perhaps the Meri-
wether managers might shed some light
on part Of the question.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Standards vary. Mr.. Parker asserts
that he has a fair competence and no
more. A half-million dollars is con-
sidered something more than a CON-
petence by most subscribers to the
Worlds Fair,
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Mr.. Parker having followed the Globe.
Democrats advice and shot holes
through the strike" Of 1886, the Globe
naturally supports Parker in 1901.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

st. Louis went Democratic last fall.
Boiling the party this spring has no
possible excuse. But one Democratic
ticket Is In the field.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Ninety-fve per cent Of the present
election law is Identical with the law
Of 1895 and the remaining S per cent il
an improvement thereon.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Publicity Of the voting lists makes a
fair election SO certain as to greatly dis
comfit Republican gangsters clamoring
for "an honest ballot"
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Why doesn't the Globe Democrat
come out in the open and let the stencil
Of its dead election-law issue be blown
from Its garments?
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

When you vote next Tuesday scratch
out the mo" On the Public Library
proposition and MI. Andrew Carnegie
will do the rest.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Senator Vests Endorsement Of Wells
is eve a stronger card in Wells's favor
than was John Peter Altgeld's opposi.
ton.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Ziegenhein says Parker's election
would be an Endorsement Of Ziegenhein.
ism. That's just why Parker won't be
elected,
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

Poverty" Parker, worth nearly a mil
lion dollars, is the sort of poor man you
read about In fairy tales.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31
SUNDAY. MARCH 81. 1901
PDnRUARY CIRCULATION.

~. b. carr. Business Manager Of The 81.
louis Republic. being duly sworn. says that
Che actual number OF full and complete
copies Of the daily and Sunday Republic
printsd during tie month Of February. 1ooa.
IN "A regular sditionA. was - per schedule
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

And sid W. b. Carr further says that
The number q copies returned or reported
unsuld during The month q February wa
". ., CARR
.ewGa = Nd subscribed before me this
nth day Of yOAruaEY, IA
J. =. FANlHH,
Notary pxstto city q 8 Louis. No. "
tsgn sHplFS0 ASell q, lS@.
The St. Louis Republic. [volume] (St. Louis, Mo.) 1888-1919, 1901-03-31

of the standard meter. This metal, by the
way. Is an alloy Of platinum and iridium,
selected because 1t canno be destroyed by
heat. 1t cost $1,000. Two bell Jars. one fit
ting over the other, protect 1t from the
dust. It Is handled only by a pair of for
ceps with chamois-skin ends.
Budding Author (sotto voce): Lets see; nrst
III write a book: then I'll have 1t dramatIxed;
then I'll 20 ON the lecture PLATFORM"
His Wife: Yes. and then you'll be forgotten"
Author: What Of It? BY that time I'll have
money enough to rise above immortality
Brooklyn Life.
Evening journal., 1901-02-16
GRANT THIS ALLOWANCE

Pending in the State Senate is the
House bill giving to incorporated
ciuies and towns one-half OF the liquor
license revenues collected therein by the
State. II is a just measure and should
pass IL the action thereon is taken
with any idea Of fairness.
For many years Wilmington has
sustained in large part the revenues
of the State without obtaining any
adequate return therefor. This meas
ure viii recompense our city in part
for what il has had to endure IN the
past. The State revenues ere such that
this just allowance can be made with
out the impairment Of aay state in
terest, and the money so received will
assist in maintaining our expensive
pohce department.. rendered necessary
largely by drunkenness and disorder
growing out of a licensed business
from which the State now receives al
the revenue.
The people OF Wilmington want the
bill passed, and many sensible rural
members are cooperating with the
senators and representatives from the
city districts TO bring about the de-
sired result. We hope the Senate will
follow the laudabe action of the
House and take affirmative action on
the bill