The Wichita daily eagle., 1901-06-13
WHY He WAS NOT A PREAcHER.

why an I drummer" said Charlie
KidGer. Because 1 am not q preacher.
] Well suppose had told you I had stud
| led for one. you would not believe me-
The gang, for it was q Saturday night
| group OF drummers at q country hotel,
/ took a broad smile at the speaker, whose
round face and little pig-like eyes almost
| closed with fat as his features broaden
! ed from a grin 10 a hearty laugh, and
| gave no present indication of previous
association with anything SO serious as
preaching.
You see" continued 'Kidder. rolling
/ his cigar from one corner OF his mouth
to the other, 1T happened this way; Ny
/ father was a mechanical engineer; but at
a very tender age I broke the line Of in
/ herited genius by dishguring the front OF
4 the barn with two holes They were de-
! signed for pigeons, and intended 10 be
/ oval al the top, but when finished they
were just hOles-neither round nor square
and my father had TO hire q carpenter
/ TO repair the damage. In the face OF this
/ and other demonstrations OF inherited
/ Skill was apprenticed TO a mason. but
/ after a years trial I could not lay a
! stone or z brick TO a line if my life had
! depended on It.
With that peculiar Characteristic OF
the scotch-stubbornness- determined
that l should be made an architect. !
]
/ father had against that man. After a
! year Of drawing crooked lines that were
/ fat in the middle and thin at the ends.
| with q T square, 1 was returned marked;
/ Can't use.
In despair my parent decided I was
| Of no use to him, and apparently TO no
I one else. He decided to follow out the
old Scotch custom of Offering the foot Of
/ the family TO the Lord s service and so
I was dedicated to the ministry.
AT the University of - my room
mate was a boy by the name OF Ed
Moore. We called him 'Morey' for short.
He also had a call But me thinks
that his spiritual wires we're crossed,
and he answered some one else's num-
Der, for he was no more intended for
the ministry than I.
Now, 'Morey' had a peculiar express
sion that he rung in on all occasions:
7 am no fool If I do have fits and this
was the indirect cause OF our spiritual
demise.
He had a chum by the name of Hole,
another ministerial aspirant-tall strap
ping fellow of 10, good-natured. but rather
dense.
"One morning Moore being absent.
Hoke dropped in. and my roommate be-
came the subject of conversation. IN
response to some question, which I don't
recall just now, 1 made use OF Morey,s
)
he does have fits Does he have fits?
asked Hoke. in genuine surprise. It was
true I had no genius for constructive me-
chanies, but for making trouble. I was
born 70 it. even as the sparks fly up
ward. SO I replied, Certainly; has EN-
bad This is the first time I have ever
heard OF it, said Hoke, seriously. Yes,
indeed I continued. I've a hard time
with 'Morey' when he has one Of his
spells and added: There is but one way
to bring him out, and that is to rub his
mouth with a tooth brush while he is
held down I never saw any one have a
fit-what's it ike? asked Hoke. He is IL
able to have one any minute. Come down
this evening and get your Latin. said
That evening when 'Morey returned
I told him how Hoke had taken literally
my quoting him as being no fool If he
did have fits He laughed heartily and
said it was a good joke
To make my play strong L continued;
He is coming down tonight, with the ex-
pectation that you will have a fit.' Ny
roommate at once volunteered to have
an extraordinary one for Hoke's special
benefit. I did not mention the remedy.
however.
1--WE had not long to wait, and school
gossip was soon dropped. and we were
apparently engrossed in our work. After
a lapse Of, say. half an hour, 'Morey
tain sentence. Jim leaned over to better
read the line in question, when 'Morey,'
without warning, threw his arms wildly
IN the air. and, hitting Hoke square in
the face, fell TO the floor frothing at the
mouth.
"It was fine piece OF acting-too fine
for Hoke was standing as if transfxed.
with bis eyes bulged out like snowballs on
a barn door. Grab him, JIM I yelled.
Hoke needed no urging. He was used TO
handling horses on the farm, so he went
at 'Morey' as II he were a bucking
broncho.
What was my horror when I beheld
Hoke with one knee on poor 'Morey's
breast, while with his left hand ne held
his girl-Iike wrists as II in a wise. and
with his free hand he whipped out his
own toothbrush and jabbed it into No
rey's unsuspecting mouth and began a
vigorous rubbing.
Il took one look at my victim face
agony. disgust and revenge were de-
picted on every line
1T was time for disappearing for
heard the landlady coming. but just as
I reached the door Hoke beloved: DO
you think he's out Of 1t now2 Shall let
him up? He is bleeding like stuck I
did not hear the rest. I rushed past Old
Lady Parsons and gained the street. and
never stopped until 1 reached a place CT
safety.
Il did not return to my happy home
for two DAYS but when did it was with
both eyes discolored-a present from No
rey.'
And you see that lump on my nose
well. that's Hokes appreciation OF the
joke.
1T would have been all right, and
would not have been here tonight a wan
derer on the face Of the earth, but when
Hoke left sMorey up they started a
rough house and the old lady coming
in st this tuncture was hit by a flying
missile. She called IN a policeman. and
the two aspiranJs for the Lords ser
vice were 'pinched' and the next morning
fined five and costs.
when the evidence, true and false,
had percolated through that moral hltsg,
the faculty, We were summoned 70 their
presence, and in Biblical language were
told 10 'depart, ye workers OF inieuity-'
THE college paper gave short notice
Of our exit from the scholastic world, and
closed with these lines
Alas. they have gone,
Kidder. Eoke and Moore,
Kidder had hts Joke,
On Toothbrush Hcke.'
But Mercy VII have fits no more.
aud that's the reason why In not
preacher New YORK Times
A 8lunderer.