The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-04-07

was Anything in it. His Tongue felt
like a Rug. He was afraid to work his
Face for fear it would Crack.
He took a Cold Plunge, rubbed some
Pepper Sauce in his Hair, drank a
Quart of Hot Water, gargled Patent
Preparation warranted to kill the Ma
room Taste, and by that Time he was
able to look at his Watch and realize
that nobody. in the whole World truly
Loved him He did not seem to have
any Nippy Craving for Breakfast so he
drank two large ruby-red Cocktails,
smelling like Furniture Polish, just as
an Appetizer. After he got them placed
he sat at the Window for a while,
watching the Landscape straighten it
self out. He remembered that he had
two or three Friends, after all, so he
decided to give this Earth another
Trial Accordingly he ordered up as
many Ham and Eggs as could be forced
on one Platter and two Stacks OF Buck
wheat Cakes, and he kept on until he
had extinguished the Cocktails
At an Early Age the Rounder had
read in AIcCiizzick's Physiology that the
Capacity of the Human Stomach is
Three pints. His Object in Life was
to prove that McGizzick was away off
and must have got hold of a Youths
Size.
After the Rounder had smothered the
Cocktails under So cents worth of
Plain Food he started for his Office,
him out to talk Business. They opened
two or three Cold Bots and ate q few
hillocks of Cottage Cheese, Souse, Dill
Pickles, Radishes, BlutWurst and Rye
Bread with CaraWay in it, because they
were Free. Then the ROunder excused
himself because he had a date for
Luncheon. This light Repast consisted
of Blue Points. Gumbo Soup, Fried
Spring Chicken, Baked Potatoes, Cheese
and other DeHcatessen, fioated to its
49,, of A In ~
Stout, sometimes known as Liquid
Buckshot. In the Afternoon our Hero
went to his Club and played Pool. and
whoever had it put on him had to buy
what made Milwaukee famous for the
Others. Along in the Middle of the
Afternoon the McGizzick theory did not
have a Leg to stand on
At Dinner Time he keyed UP on Aqua
Fortis and Bitters, which enabled him
TO take Nine Courses, with Red, White
and Blue Irrigators 70 keep him En-
cOuraged, and then four California
Grapes for Dessert. BY this Time, Nc
Gizzick, Author of the School Physiol-
ogy, was a Liar by the Watch.
In the Evening the Rounder went to
a Show. Between Acts ne sauntered
out with a few Western Gentlemen and
seeped UP frequent High Balls, accom-
panied by a little Snack Of Oyster
Crackers the Mummified Herring
known as the Blind Robin, Water Cress
and Anchovies. After the Show they
dropped in for their Broiled Lobster,
Combination salad. Welsh Rabbit and
Nineteen Rounds of something to take
At late Hour the Man who had dem
onstrated that McGizzick was an lg-
ncramus. went to his Brass Bedstead
and lapsed into a State of Coma.
Next morning mis- Room was twisted
Some one had put a bed of Live Goals
under the Sheet He felt as il he mad
swallowed a Steam Radiator and some
one had gone down to, repair it. and he
had a case of Bust-FIead and a dry
crackIy Thirst. He sent for Physician,
and when the Learned Man came 70
make his Diagnosis the Rounder said;
DC. it's my own fault. I ate some
Grapes last Night"
MORAL: Avoid fruit
Copyright, 1901, by Robert Howard Rus
N1-N. sell