davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
BABY ELEPHANTS JOKE.
II Made Things Lively For n Minute
on the Buffalo Midway.

She was just back from the PanAmer-
Jean. She wasn't paying excess on any
weight of serious information brought
home with her, but she knew the Midway
like book, or, rather, comic paper
Every page OF her experience had laugh
at the bottom and she turned tho leaves
for every friend she met. Her particular
favorite was as follows:
zone evening we were lettering past
the animal show when | noticed queer
sort of chalr IN front of the place. 1t
was heavy, square wooden chair. with
arms and high back 1t would not have
been remarkable except for its width,
whlch seemed excessive. ana the fact mat
1t was so very low. The seat was less
than foot from the ground.
we stood there speculating as to its
use when another group OF loltcrers stop
ped near us. They were paying no at
teutloH 10 the chaif, nut were discussing
just what particular rake they would ex-
pertinent with next. Cnconsciously they
had stopped near the peculiar armchair
Which hau aitracten my attention. ihey
STOOD win thcir oacks TO IT, one woman
poiiig only le" lect away
'uSt us we "crc "oou' W CIV wy 'u'
"'i' ~,
sd" napv elepii"nt come OUT oi tno
mehaeerlc ouiidins' s"iiis aionE WIN inc
pecnilar ea'' OF It's kihu ana SIT Gown IL, ~
lhe very seat we were stari"s u'' LII,
darker came out 'oo' ana began u se'
rendy 10 shout LOT crown. 49,,
'ust theh '"e e!'PhnH'' "nici ""S
mapping lts ears anu swinging 'tS 'runf
rom sue 10 sue s'cii'eu 10 ucc'uc VI, III
NcSuea'lng 'he group stunning III IRON
ol hini ne woman h"h her uri' p'nneo
GOWN III 'he o"ch WIN iarse heaoeu p'i
Innt eieameu teh'puhgly IN young Mr.
H'pn"h' Eyes ne s're'cneu OUT HE
'ri .,,, anu p'E"n lulnp''hs WIN tue pm
me woman Ie't soine'hihs anu pu
ner manu- u,ou"u ~ SEE 'nal her pci' wa
III p,"cc' pciorc ner manu- go. ,h,re 'n'
'ruhk was gone "ne sausneu nersei
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
The American Farmer,

"When farming was conducted on a
small scale, limited to the mere efficiency
Of the farmer and his sons, its interests
were narrow and its Circumstances
mean" says Frank NJ. Todd in AinSlcc's
Its rewards were so mcager that the
hired hand was often better off at thu
years end than the man who owned the
land, took the chances and worried away
his digest over the mortgage. The gen
erous moods of nature were examples too
expensive to be initiated, and close listed
parsimony was exalted as the chief of the
virtues.
To-day that is changed over a large
area Of the country. On the great bonan-
"a farms Of the west man with 10000
acres under his care and hundreds of men
in his employ is a figure Of Importance.
His intimate concern with the world 5
affairs makes him a reader, an observer,
often politician and n power. Even
10000 acres is too small for him to con-
fine himself to. His great business do
mands that he travel. He must go to Du-
lCth, to Minneapolis. TO Chicago, to Buf-
fall, and to New York. a small mistake,
failure to sell at the right time or to dis
car! an old machine and adopt new one
may cost HIM thousands. He is worhin.
his brain as hard as he can and calling on
lis faculties for all they will do. He Is
ringing himself and his business more
aud more into touch with the modern
spirit and through combination with hi'
neighbors is making agriculture more and
more a power in the land
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

The most destructive mode oc cap
turing the muskrat is by speuring. Four
or five rods of iron three or four feet long
are secured in cross section frame Of
wood or iron, and their points ere well
sharpencd, and with this the hunter APP
proachcs the rathouse as quietly as pos
sible, ms the inmates are constantly Oh
the alert and il alarmed will quickly
run down their spiral stairway and out
into the leads. Stepping to the side OF
the house the hunter reaches up over it
and plunges the spears down through it
as far us he can push them. With n
pick he pulls the house to pieces and
frequently finds two or three muskrats,
and sometimes more, impaled by the
spears. This destructive method Is how
ever, not looked upon with favor by the
sporsmen. rs it tends to drive the rats
away from the more accessible parts Of
the marsh,
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
bankruptcy Humors.

Even bankruptcy has Is humors. In
London solicitor appeared in the bank
ruptcy court recently with : pence to his
credit, less than penny per t 600 of his
debts. There was n touch of humor. too.
in the notice which was sent out some
time ago from the bankruptcy court at
Dover, in which il was stated that dis
trihution Of dividends was to be made OF
1916 penny in the pound a tradesman
whose debt was - shillings was Informed
that il he would call at the office, which
meant journey of - miles, be would,
on presenting the proper form carefully
filled up, receive the sum of ! penny or
the amount would be sent by postal order
or check if the necessary requirements
Mere complied with.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

doubt il you uare the veracity of the Al
mighty when he says he will make the
desert roseate, and the leopard and the
kid will lie down in the same pasture
field, and the lion, ccasing to be carnivo-
rous, will become graminyorous, eating
STRAW like an on" and reptilian venom
shall change into harmlessness, so that
the "wcaned child shall put his hand on
the cockatrice's den, and there shall be
nothing to hurt or destroy in all Gods
holy mountain. for the earth shall be full
OF the knowledge OF the Lord, as the wa
tcrs cover the sea-" SO much for the
world at large.
Then cultivate hope in regard to your
own health, your own financial prosper
ity, your own longevity, by seeing how in
other people God mercifully revcrscs
things and brings to pass the unexpected,
remembering that Washington lost more
battles than he gained, but triumphcd at
the last. and, further, by making sure Of
your eternal safety through Christ Jesus.
understand that you are on the way 70
palaces and thrones. This life a span
long. ending in durations of bliss that uei-
thcr human nor archangelic faculties can
measure or cstimate--rcdolence of q
sprnctime that never ends and fountains
tossing in the light OF n sun that never
sets Nav God thrill us with anticipation
of this immortal glcc, (Which hope"
said in the opening of this subject
that my text was only the wave on the
beach. while the whole verse from which
it is taken is an ocean. But the ocean
tides are coming in, and the sea is get
ting so deep | must fall back, wading nut
as wndcd in. for what mortal can stand
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
JlNGlES AND JESTS.
The Desideratum.

In Philadelphia they inquire,
"Who was your sire and his sires sircys
In Boston you must make it plain
You have an intellectual brain.
In New York you must show the amount
OF cash upon your bank account.
In Baltimore you must proclaim
The women queens in beauty name.
In Brooklyn you will find friend
II only you his church attend
In Washington they give You grace
According to your rank Of place.
Boston Globe.
In San Francisco they demand
That, being called, you show your hand
In Denver they arc SO polite
That you must either drink or fight,
In Omaha they merely grin
And murmur, "Whcn did you roll in7"
But in st. Louis they cxciaim.
"Where is it from that you have camer
IN Joliet they always say,
"llow long do you expect TO stay7"
While in Shcccawg You cut no ice
Unless, d Joyc, yo.tc got the price.
Chicago Rocord.lierald
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
General De VETS Clever Wife.

In Paris they tell n story Illustrative Of
the "slimness' Of Mrs. De Wet. An Eng
lish officer was pointing out to her how
impossible it was for her husband to es
cape the Gordon OF troops which were
drawn round him. AS Mrs. De Wet seem
ed unable to understand him the officer
placed dozen eggs in circle on the
table, with a half crown in the middle.
The eggs, he explained, pointing to him
self, were the English; the coin, pointnS
to portrait Of De Wet on the wall, wa.
her elusive husband II was an excellent
object lesson, and it was perfectly sue
cessfu Il ace said the simple Dutch
woman in excellent English. But where
is De WetT' And the half crown had
disappeared London Chronicle.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
Xaruue From Argentina.

The manufacture of XarQue, or dried
beef. the biltong of the Beers, forms one
OF the most important industries OF tho
Argentine Republic. whence it is shipl
in large quantities to Brazil and other
South American states. \ shipment Of
xarquc is about to be made to the Italian
colony Of Erythrca, in Africa. According
to brazilian paper, this dried beef is not
at all bad when properly cooked, while it
is far more nutritious than timed beef,
at IL quarter of the latter's cost. Indeed
some foreigners not TO the manner born
get to like it 80 much that they insist on
its appearing AT the tables once or twice
a week. - Sr'i'o Commercial lntelligeucer,
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
WHEN GOLF Is DEADLM



sad Dr. y I. Bclnays or -. LOUIS,
who ranks b'gh among American sur
geons, "Wayman McCreery was vic
tim Of golf, sacrifice to the golf fad
The subject Of this expression was a
prominent citizen " st. Louis, man II
unusual mental ana physical qualities,
who had been an all around athlete. At
the age Of fifty he showed n tendency to-
ward obesity, with shur'ness Of breath
| when taking exercise. Some ~tpid person
told him there was an accumulation Of
fat about his heart and that the remedy
was strenuous physical action. He was
| told that he ought 10 play golf. In truth,
! the trouble was a weakening ~ the coats
| of the arteries, which was probably due
to the strain Of too violent cNcrtion. Mr..
! McCrccry took enthusiastically to the
! golf idea. He often made two continuous
| rounds Of the links, and sometimes i-i
I made three. At the same time he dicted
! himself and RICHLY cut eff his usual boy
erascs. Last May he shocked bis rhysi-
clan 10y saying that he had taken of thir-
| ty-eight pounds. with his weight thus
reduced and resistance in the vessels TO
the action Of the heart diminished that
/ organ worked more rapidly ana at last
rupturcd tiny artery IL the brain, caus-
7 -hE h'hlu ~ "p'Plt"F'
Or. Bernays expressed what is prob
ably the opinion of most medical mon II
large experience when he said: u do not
think there is more dangerous thing for
man of fifty or over TO do than to
change radically his mode Of life IN any
way that will involve more work. either
physical or mental. 10 PROFESSIONAL or
business men VINO have reached the MD
die age | should say DO less thah you
have been doing ana DO not take or
weight rapidly. lhe golf RAD Tor BUSY
men who nave become corpueht WINE
doing hard work Is DANGEROUS expert
mcnt.'
1t is the teaching or common sense aS
well as of experience that man VINO mas
reached middle age should never take
physical exercise to the point OF Wearl-
ness and that any exerton when he may
make should be less violent than the
training to which NJ was used to IN MS
earlier years. II IS not well that man
at any age should attempt to maintain
the highest degree Of bodily strength and
| agility, except as preparation 1Or an
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
The Errors Of Others.

The little | have seen Of the world
teaches me 10 look upon the errors Of
others in sorrow, not in anger, When /
take the history OF one heart that has
sinucd and suffered and represent 70 my
self the struggles and temptations II has
passed through-thc brief pulsati'as of
joy. the feyerish iuQuietudc of hope and
fcar, the pressure Of want the desertion
of friends-I would fain leave the errins
Eoul OF my fellow man with him from
whose hand it came.-Longfellow
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
London's Passion For Luxury.

The tendency among the British mid
die classes is rather to live above their
incomes than within them, says an Am
stcrdam newspaper. There Is also pas
sion for luxury in London, and a desire
TO display, which seems peculiarly
stupid and useless desire in a huge city,
where one seldom knows ones neighbors
Aud so, too. the cordial "pot luck" din
ners OF n generation ago have given place
to ceremonial champagne functions, In
which a man out OF dress clothes Is out
Of place.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
when II Pays to Re nm Autocrnt.

The Russian court jester was tryit
to do his best to cheer up his imper;
master.
"If you were the dean Of the college
of cars" he playfully remarked,
"what would you then become?"
The car looked at the jester coldly.
"Well, what" he asked.
IA czardean, your majesty, Of
course"
The czar scowled.
you have very pretty wit-for the
Siberian frontier" he said. Away
with himw-Clevelan Plain Dealer.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
Pleased to ObliGe

Darling" sue sighed, how I wish
you owned Il yacht and would place it
at my disposal"
The best can offer" he replied, sis
little smack and the sound that
followed was like the opening of q
bottle OF cAampaEne.-Balt World.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
Attempting to- Explain It.

"Thc male SEX" she exclaimed in
strident tones ''is all alike wherever you
find it. Look at the rooster. When the
hen lays an egg, he crows louder than
the hen does"
perhaps, my dear" timidly spoke Mr..
Mecbcr, he does it to show how proud
he is of the hrn."-Chicago Tribune
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
The Wrong Horn.

Colonel Corli;ight-The blamed bellhoy
in this hotel is enough to give a man a
spasm Guess what he did when | told
him to bring me horn" before dress
ed
Major Nash-What, sub?
Colonel Cork'iGht-He brought me .
shoe horn. Philadelphia Record.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
poiudexter's Suicide.

as it true that Mr.. Poindexter has
committed suicide asked Miss Fosdick,
Eyes, it is true" replied bunker. II
was an intimate acquaintance. and
WAS there no other reason for the
deed? interrupted the grl.-Harlem
Life.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
Alaskan JcweIry.

From ivory, gold aud silver the Alas
kan native makes bracelets, spoons
rings and other articles prettily en-
graved. In the Indian village neat
Sitku there is native jewelry store,
as sign over the door announces t
the wondering tourist
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
DIu Advance In Animal Surgery

The animal world has today a surgical
science quite its own. says London
newspaper. There are dogs with artificial
teeth. pigeons and cows with wooden legs.
dogs with glass eyes and other animals
with false hair, false tails and false limbs
of all kinds There is indeed hardly a
limit to the possibilities of animal surgery.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

II can't afford to pay that much"
said tle young man who was looking
at engagement rings.
We'll here's one" said the jeweler,
"for $l5. Special service, So extra
"Er--what do you mean by special
servicc""
When the young lady comes in to
learn the value Of it. We'll tell her SO
or $l0O." - Catholic Standard and
TimpS.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

"What. Marry you" cried the fair
young girl, why, you are only an
apology for a man
True he sighed but you are not
so lacking in courtesy as to fail to ac-
cept an apology
Her boarding school etiquette forbade
her flying in the face of convention, so
she resigned herself to her fatc.-Balti-
more American.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
Not II Wise Man.

"Why is it that SO few people seem
anxious 10 talk To Mr.. Carpington? He
seems very we'll informed"
"Thats just the difficulty" answered
Miss Dimplcton. lies one of those
dreadful men who know enough to cor
rect your mistakes when you quote the
classics and who don't know enough not
TO do it. Washington Star.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
Theory md PracIicN

IT'S by the things that make US tired
That we are chiefly bcst,
For If 'twere not for these We ne'er
Should know the bliss OF rest.
These lines the poet wrote and sold
Them quickly as he could,
And with the coin thus got he hired
man to saw his wood
Detroit Journal.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

"Well, bow about the status quo
ante" vcutured the Powers
$40 auu'e for me-, protested the
Emperor Kwang-su. "l'yc got about
ali the female relatives | can swing
already. "-Dctroit journal.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

The driest place in the world is that
of Egypt between the two lower falls
of the Nile, Rain has never been known
to fall there, and the inhabitants do net
believe travellers when told that water
falls from the sky.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

Mrs. Growells-l do wish you would
give up smoking, John.
Growells-Ill do nothing OF the kind.
l intend to smoke as long as live.
Mrs, Growells-Yes, and after that
you'll begin to blaze.-Chicago News.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
Incredible.

He-This author should be ashamed Of
himself A married man too!
His Wife-What does he say?
He-IIe says that mans wife "gazed
At him in specchless astonishment."
Why, such thing is unknown in matri.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
uhe Oh. Old SiOrY

Go-going gone;
Gone; alas.
And the house Is filed With
gloomy gloom.
The sunshine even hats
Outside
Upon the threshold Of
Her room.
Oh, world OF trials and
Tribulations.
We were but yesterday
Free from all care and pain, but
Once more, alas,
All now is changed
The servant girl has packed up
And left again.
Chicago News.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
she Knew Him.

George ldramatically)-You have de-
cided that ! must give her up? Farewell,
then, mother! There Is nothing left for
me but to so out and destroy myself!
Mother--G oodby. Not a minute later
than q for dinner, George.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

Old Gentleman (who has been rather
gay)-Hum Want to marry my dnugh-
ter Ell? DO you think you are worthy Ct
her?
Well-er-docs she take after
you or after her mother New York
Wpekly
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
neorlv noucht I<nonlcdgc.

Rivers This "Order Of the Buraloes'
only shows that the fools are not all
dead yet.
Brooks-Yos? How much did it cost
you to join?-Chicago Tribune.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

81 never knew you to have the right
time. What sort of watch do you
carry, anyhow"
II don'r know what make it is, but |
call it Faith because it's without good
works and therefore ad'-Philadel-
Dhia Press
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
After the Reconciliation.

Dooley-Say, Hooley, gin me a punch
on tn jaw opposite phwere yez kicked
me.
Uooley-Phat for?
Dooey-I want ycz to strs;shten out
me face. Baltimore World.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

I'm sorry that make mistakes
- often! | declare
Iw.sh were the weather man,
And then | might not care.
Washington Star,
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
About the Size OF 1t,

The greatest bore upon this Garth.
Tie biggest nuisance known.
Is he who talks about himself
And bis small Affairs alone,
When you think he ought to listen
While YOU talk about your own.
-Chicago News
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

McJiGger-You don't mean to say you
believe in divorce?
Thingumboh- Well. DO IN the case OF
fhe man who is welded to his opinions
Philadelphia Press.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

She-How do you define rcpartee1
He-Well, it's the thing that's smart
when you say it, but impudent when
the other follow says it, - Chicago
News.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

all your capacity to do good IS fenced in
by this life? Are you going to be lounger
and n do nothing after you have quit tins
world? It Is my business to tell you that
your faculties are to he enlarged and in
tcnsificd and your qualifications for use
fulncss multipicd tcnfold, n hundrcdfold,
a thousandfold.
Is your health gone? Then that is a
sign that you are TO enjoy celestial
health compared with which the most jo-
cunl and hilarious vitality of earth is in
validism. Are your fortunes spent? Re-
member you are to be kings and queens
unto God and how much more wealth
you will have when you reign forever and
ever. want t. soc you when you get
your heavenly work dress on. ms llttle
bit of n spccl of a world we call the
earth is only the place where we get
ready 70 work. We are only 1odrnoymcn
here. but will he master worknen there.
Heaven viii have no loafers hanging
around. The book says of the inhabit
ants, "Thcy rest not day nor night Why
roSt when they work without fatiguet
Why seek pillow when there Is no nlght
there? ] want to SOC You after III. pedcs-
triauism Of earth has been cNchangod Tor
power of flight and Vclocitios INFINITE ana
enterprises intcrstcllar, intcrWorld.
! suspect that the telescope OF thht OBJ
scryntory brings in sight considerations
that may cuuprl~" ruined worlds which
need looking after and need help sanity
and missionary. There may be worlds
that, like ours, have sinncd and need to
bc rescued, pc:hnps saved by our christ
or by some plan That God mas thought OUT
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21

. ~ tr.,. ...,i1 nc. ,.,...i. .,,.
~ '''''- '''''D ~
VI u'Sl ,H"V"'F "'' .''iN sumo 20
future JOY INTO 'ar'AF repression nc
text Is Hebrews VI, IL, w men none
There il an Atlantic ocean Of depth and
fullucss in the verse from which my tcXt
is taken. and | only wade into the wave
If thc beach and tol,c two words We all
.lor, fo,.,,.i,,, ,,orJ, 80. ,,ro.si,, ~ l,Ii.b+
,t.,, ...,,, 49,, oa..,. ..,I
.I; ,..o,. 60, ,',t,- ~, ,.if DIV.
i n"' . .,'i. w. m!'
~ -i..'
IL, IT, OH 49,, inor. ,,rd ,,,,I,,,l,-
rios tborc oro rcv words that havc for mo
the attractions Of the last word of INV
tcvt (Which hone"
Thcro have in tro course Of ON. Ito
bccn many on,oIs of God TINT hovo l0.,&-
ed over orr shorI1rr. or mot us oY tbc
r,,1 or ohouted nn darkness nv..,,- ~
Uft,L tho curtain. of ti. orcot fu+,r, ar
nnll,d ma ho,k fran, tbn procinic.. ,r
rolled down unon ne rho ronturoiIs uIi,.ic
of tbc heavens. hut tboro is ono Of these
ANGELS who Inns done 50 much for. I'll. hat
we wish tLrou.hort all time and aU .t,r-
nitv to celebrate it-the anra ~ fiope.
81 poul mokcs il the center of q ..,.up of
thrcc. soyfnr. 'Now obidpth fai;h. hone.
chnldtv." And. though he saws TINT char
ity Is the greatest of the three, he does
not tAke one plume from the wing or one
ray OF lustcr from the proW' or one uuro-
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
The blessing of Poyerty.

Daddy, there's big run on the town
bank"
well, thank the good Lord don't
own dollar!"-Atlanta Constitution.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-11-21
II He only Would.

He talks like a book, his
Admirers all say,
What a pity he doesn't
shut UP the sanle way.
--Philadslphia Prsos