The Saint Paul globe., 1901-07-23
IS HE A Eft PERSONe

The word has gos abroad that Admiral
Dewey is to be chosen to represent the
United States navy at the coronation of
| Edward VII. Of England. This corona
ton business is to be a great function
and Uncle Sam, if invited to be present.
must acquit himself with becoming dig
nifty and grace. Is Admiral Dewey
fit person to represent the United States
at such a function? Has his record
been such as to entitle him to the dis
tinction? And has MS previous training
been such as to enable him to do the
social business of the stunt in a man
ner satisfactory to the Ward McAllister
of the navy, Mr.. Sampson? Sampson
may be no great shueks as proofreader
of Mr.. Maelay's history, but what he
does not know about social functions,
both at home and abroad, would not fill
sheet of common typewriting paper.
He has at his tongues end the intricate
rules of the dining room and has
memorized 1913 menus for public din
ners. He can eat a nine-course dinner
backward with no i'll effect. AS to the
holding of the fork and the use of the
napkin, he has no rival in or out of the
navy. 1t is affirmed on the best of
authority, the official historian of the
navy that he mas not worn his napkin
IN his collar for the last six years. He
never drinks his coffee from his saucer
with a loud, kissing sound This latter
is strictly forbidden in the best naval
circles. He is absolute authority on
the male corset and knows Just how
many inches pants should be turned up
at the bottom. The code of social and
diplomatic precedence he repeats without
taking thought, as he does his multiple
cation table, the Lords prayer, or the
ten commandments He is up on all
the latest dances and is a past master
of social small talk. All these quaIif-
cations are understood to be absent in
Admiral Dewey: hence the question as to
his fitness to attend the said function.
A way, however, is suggested to put
Dewey in trim for this social mill before
it is pulled off. Dewey is to take lessons
of Sampson in social etiquette, and the
proper way to stand in the presence of
royalty. Three months can be given to
dancing lessons to render Dewey present.
able at the coronation ball; one month
to 'how and when to dine" one month
TO proper dress" two weeks to 'how
to talk in the presence of ladies' and
the balance of the time to 1.-The art Of
posing"
The department. will withhold the final
commission from Dewey until he mas
satisfied Sampson that he will not dis
grace the navy by his boorish manners.
Another thing, 1t has just been discover
ed by the able historian of the navy
that at the battle of Manila Dewey show
ed the stern of every ship in his SQUAD
ron to the enemy, in making the turn in
his so-called famous contracting circles.
1t has been decided by the naval depart
N--e"e 4ti'@Sou VI SiloWlnS IEe stern
of the Olympia to the enemy in making
the turn he should have reversed his en-
gines and backed up over the space COW
cred by his advance. More than that; he
withdrew during the heat of the. battle to
get something to eat. Such poltroonery
was never before heard of in the annals
of the American navy. Admiral Dewey
is the first American admiral who ran
away from the enemy to get something
to eat, when it was scarcely an hour
past breakfast time He must clear him
self of these charges before he can go
to the coronation show. 1t has been
thought that Dewey did not know that
it is as bad form to snow the stern of
a ship to the enemy as 1t was once sup
posed to be for an actor to show his
back to the audience, hut in this matter
of naval tactics and naval etiquette ig-
norance excuseth no man. Should Dewey
not be able to explain his conduct, to the
satisfaction of naval board composed
of Macay, Hobson, Long, and Sampson,
or should he not be able within the time,
to l. arm the two-step in ali its varieties,
together with the revised laneers and
the minuet, or should he be caught with
his fork in his left hand or his napkin