The Washburn times. [volume] (Washburn, Wis.) 1896-1976, 1901-01-02

ouS4l ~ Drllg christmas turkey!
And hereH' continued the poet, sis a
sonnet which is the work of my life
I'VE just needed that" murmured the
wife, 'for one of those nice hams which
! the grocer says came in Yesterday
Il have also an ode of 500 words on
which l pride myself" said the poet,
sternly.
oh! joyful days. exclaimed the wife.
THAT will bring a sack of flour and a
can of lardv'
"Mollyr cried the poet, ''have you no
appreciation of the fire of genius?s
Yes. John. DEAR" she answered meek
ly, but it's such a feeble flame to warm
| by.''
Jester-"See that man standing on the
corner with the long overcoat on?''
Miss Squeers (nearsighted)- Yes"
Jester-"Well, he's deaf, dumb, blind,
can't feel and has two wooden legs"
Miss Squeers-"O horrors! Who is
he"
Jester = Hes wooden overcoat
model. Ohio State Journal.
The position of the United States in
world politics at the close Of the Nine
teenth century is very different from it's
position at the end of the Eighteenth, as
indicated by the Boston Sentinel of April
II, 1900:
THE ALLS.
France fights all.
Britain pays all.
Russia threatens all.
Prussia humbugS all.
Switzerland is nearly plundered by all.
Spain does nothing at all.
Germany thinks itself all in all.
The United States is spoliated by ALL
And, lest destruction should come upon ALL
May Heaven have mercy upon us all.
Amen.
Willie had been told that when hen
is heard cackling around it is a pretty
sure sign that she has laid an egg. One
day he ran in to his mother in an ex-
cited manner and exclaimed: ''Oh, mann
ma! l just heard the cuckoo in the clock
make noise. I'll go down and see
if she's laid an egg"'-Yonkers States
| man.
Young Wife, knew you would like
the slippers, Harry, if for no other rea-
son, because | made Them
Husband-"Y on don't mean this is all
your work? Why. what talented little
wife have to be sure''
Young Wife-"Yes, all my work. OF
course, | bought the uppers, and Mary
sewed them together, and got a man to
sole them; but put the bows on and did
them up in a box. And do you know,
Harry, I'm proud of myself. | didn't
think l could ever do such things
Glasgow Evening Times.
"TO what do you attribute your success
in life?' asked the ,ineuisitive person.
Work" answered Senator. Sorghum
positively; 'hard work. .
But you never seenf& to be devotina
much time to work. So -
NO. But I've. hired a. tremendous
amount of it done" 50
Walking through the grounds of the
asylum, they came Upon q party of work
men who were repairing a wall. One of
the harmless patients, apparently assist
ing III the work, was pushing wheelbar-
row along upside down.
My friend" said kind-hearted trus-
tee, gently, you should turn your wheel
barrow over"
Not on your life" replied the pa
tient. 81 turned it over yesterday and
they put brick; in it"'-Ex.
Nothing is generally more true than
children's first comments on phenomena.
A little girl the other day was taken for
the first time to the seaside. She looked
at the sea for some while with open eyes,
and then exclaimed: 'Why, there s
water in itp'-The London Globe.
Clerk Ito patent-medicine man)-'Here
is curious credential from one of our
customers Medicine Man-"Read it,
Clerk" Before | took your elixir my
face was a sight You ought to see it
now. Send me another bottle FOR nv
mOther-in-law. Harlem Life.
Smythe-'It won't work"
Brown-"What won't work?"
Smythe-" Hypnotism. Tried it On the
butcher. Looked at him fxedly until |
had his undivided attention, then said
very slowly and with emphasis, That
bill-is-paid.'
do?'
Smythe-'He said, You're a liar" -
Farm and Fireside.
A Cruel .Blow-Miss Flypp (tearfully)
q think Mr.. Higgins is real mean.''
Miss Fosdick-'What has he done?''
Miss Flypp-"He asked me what l
thought would be nice Christmas gift
for young lady, and l told him a dia-
mond brooch. Of course, l supposed
was the young lady he alluded to; but
what does he do but go and buy it for
that perfectly odious Julia Tracy."-Les-
lies Weekly.
Over the Telephone.--"Is Pat O'Brien
there?' mo" ''Well, when he comes
in please tell him that his son-in-law is
dead | am his son-in-law, but not the
one that's dead
Parson Helton, an old-time Baptist
preacher of Tennessee, had eighteen sons,
sixteen of whom were in the Union army
and two in the Confederate.
When the old minister had reached his
eighty-eighth year someone who did not
know about his sons views asked him
where his sympathies lay during the war
my sympathies were with the Union
by fourteen majority said the old man.
-:O:
ARTHUR FORREST
Young Fissicks got a shingle out
Proclaiming him M. d.
But from A. M. to late p. M.
His office is M. T.
-:O:-
Mrs. Church-''Did you say your hus-
band liked these clinging gownsY' Mrs.
Gotham Yes; he likes one to cling to
mo Gov 1A,r