River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1901-06-06
TRINITY THIN is the literal trans

4 4
lation of the name of Mr.. Theo-
philus Jagger's cook A tiny, spas
Jnodic, ierly man, with a face strained
into an haDitual expression Of corded
anguish; d gait swift convulsiye, and
head full of schemes such is the
American Theophilus. His history is
a record of wild theories worked out
20 the fizzling point Born in New
Jersey. he went to Japan to collect .
species Of licheu, said TO be worth
millions in the English market. He
collected carloads of it. then learned
that nobody in England or anywhere
else ever bought it. After this the
heart of Africa was gnawed at a
while by Jaggers, with reference to
some idea about ivory. They say he
took hold of an island away down in
Che Antarctic regions, just this side
of the great wall of ice, in order to
grow queer native fruit like a
pumpkin down there, out of which a
priceless perfume was going 10 be dis
titled. He himself tells that the
pumpkins froze, and he brings one
with him, dried as a curiosity, and
displays it with nervous pomp. He
hurtIed about Mexico for few weeks.
seeking a location. Then he came to
Cuernavaca with some theory about
boiling sugar out of sweet potatoes;
and there is man around the cor
ner constructing vat for him aud
smiling into it as he constructs.
At Chihuahua, on his way down,
Thcophius fell into conversation with
an old American resident. ITS
wiscst to keep house in this country
was the latter's advice. "Hire an In
dian cook. But they're tricky. Now,
one thing they always do when they
want a holiday: They tell you their
grandmother's dead"
Jaggers smiled that awful smile of
his. and said he'd FIX EN-" and went
-dashing away TO the train.
At Queretaro man in the seat be
side him gave him further informa-
zion. Eyes, if you're going into bust
ness, just keep house. It's easier,
Now, had an old cook with one eye
But, say, if you get a cook, be a little
careful. They're tricky Now. one
favorite ruse is to tell you their
grandmother's dead when they want
60 go off"
''Confound their grandmothers,"
CIRCULATED Jaggers, briefly.
In Cuernavaca, Jaggers wouldn't
stay at any hotel. He could not speak
Spanish. but that made no difference.
8Ie could put his mouth up at the ear
of the addressed person and roar
hoarsely in English. BLAST 'em,
they're stupid" ragged he Spanish
. Is the blastedest language, anyhow"
The hotelkeeper acted as interpreter,
and helped him TO rent a house. Then
nc swung his legs over Jagger's bal
cony railing, in the afternoon sun,
and said: "Air Jaggers, youH he
comfortable here just hire cook
and take it easy. But watch these
Indian servants You'll find 'em
tricky Now one favorite scheme"
"Hold ont" said Jaggers; 'you
mean the grandmother trick?"
Did you know about it?"
work their grandmothers off on me, "
,Swore Theophilus Jaggers.
Jaggers bought two chairs, n hard
bed and some pottery Then he hired
a cook
Trinidad Delgado tTrinity Thinl
here enters. She looked like an old
woman. but Jaggers is still pulling
over that. Her face was keen, shrewd
sharp like steel tool, with fine old
thin-iippcd regal mouth. and eyes that
pierced. She was slender and bony.
Even in the stern, grand Aztec glare
of her eyes was a something half visit
full, half humorous
Thcophilus felt uneasily that her
sub-consciousness was laughing at
him. Can you cook" roared he at
her ear in English
''Si, senoT,' said she. not under
standing a word, folding her hands.
We'll, say" Numbered he. bending
nearer and distorting his anguish
ridden countenance, I'm on to your
tricks. I'm not green, do you hear,
II ! a gringo. Haw haw." This
seemed reasonably good pun,
though accidental. Now | know the
grandmother trick. Don't you ever"
shaking his fist, "come whining
around Inc about your grandmother's
being dead"
Isl, senor," said she, with mild ana
digniiied manner, not even wondering
what he was talking about.
Jaggers, ignorant of the country,
agreed to pay ten times the regular
wages, for she, through an inter
prefer. requested this sum meekly
IL thereafter supported Trinidad, II
children, two husbands. some very
old ladies next door, an ice cream
freezer Of her eldest son, and three
5nharmonious pigs who dwelt in her
house with the family. Besides, all
save the swine had funds whcrewith
to djsport themselves on Sundays
Jaggers trotted systematically
about; hitched at his trousers; let
his brain 20 whirling along, schem-
ing w':h almost audible fury; studied