The bee., 1901-06-13
Our Wife.

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After mature delIberation we have
about concluded to sue for divorce.
Our wife has not kept the promises
she made when suing for our hand
and has signally failed to carry out
her part of the marriage contract in
various ways. When she led us
away from the home of our youth,
tender, trusting, gentle bridegroom
we little thought we would ever be
called on to leave our downy couch
ere the stars had retired and play a
game of hide and seek with rocking
chairs and other bric-a-brac while
we instituted an unsuccessful search
for our pants that we might go forth
in the chill morning air and jerk the
lacteal fluid from fractions bovine.
We are willing to do we can to make
life one continual holiday for our
wife, but we seriously object to ris-
ing at three o'clock a. m. and chas-
ing refractory calf all over a three
acre lot and jabbing the first three
joints of our thumb in it's rosebud
mouth to keep it from getting all the
milk, Such things as these CRATE on
our refined, delicate nature. We
have no aspirations whatever to sue
ceed as milkmaid. Furthermore
we feel sure that it is only question
of time before that COW will either
hook a large, irregular hole incur dia-
phram or kick us so high that we can
see the lamp posts in the New Jeru-
salem. Hence we draw the line at
milking.
Another indignity that is thrust up
on us and one that we have a special
contempt for is cutting kindling
wood. This is case of adding in
suit to injury as it has only been a
short time since we purchased our
wife a handsome new Chip-a-way
AK and in the face of these facts she
has the nerve to insist that we split
kindling. We do not believe it is
accordance with the eternal fitness
of things for large, strong, healthy,
well-developed woman to expect
one small, delicate, sad-eyed man
to perform all the manual labor
necessary to carry on this establish
ment. We had decidedly different
views of married life before we were
married to what we hold now. We
expected to quietly lie in the arms
of Morpheus until eight o'clock of
mornings, have our breakfast served
la the ancient Greeks and Romans.
Instead of that we arise in our wrath
and some other clothes and proceed
to light the kitchen fire.
Our wife has also failed in another
very essential point. In our whole
collection of rare and costly linen
there are only two buttons and a
half, consequently we are compelled
to use old nails, safety pins and fish
hooks in lieu of buttons. We have
struggled along in our poor, weak
way doing the work as be st we could
but we hereby resign the position as
superintendent of the culinary de-
partment. Last but by no means
least we want more freedom. We
would like to get out in the glad free
sunlight, take off our hat and let the
June wind play through our auburn
locks and whoOp and howl like a
Commanche Indian. We feel the
need of exercise that comes from
hunting and fishing, but we posi-
itivaly refuse the exercise our wife
suggests, that of MASKING the inn
mortal souls out of potato bugs in
the garden every morning before
breakfast.
We trust that these truths have
not been written in vain, and thai
the wives of Darlington will take &
lesson therefrom and treat theil
poor, patient, overworked husbands
with greater kindness and allow
them more freedom. The averag,
husband would rather have grea
chunks of kindness and large gobi
of praise while living than u tall
costly monument when dead.
] TIM9IIE.