The Providence news. (Providence [R.I.]) 1891-1906, 1901-01-04

chickens, the veteran ofiiceholder called
her daughter and said
My child 'tis meet that I should tell
YOU how To keep your office till death
or marriage do you part from H.. OBJ.
serve yon four men approaching? They
viii get no mail. but see you 10 IL that
they get the sympathetic feminine ap-
probation SO precious TO the manly
heart. First comes Jehonidab Joram,
sour and cranky, called Jolly Joram be-
cause he was never known TO smile.
Through the imperceptible hypnotiza-
tion OF gentle hints give him TO un-
derstand that you know he bears with
in his breast the hidden sorrow of be-
ing misunderstood: that behind his
cross grained. old hennish manner lie
the sweetest temper and the tenderest
heart compatible with a manly soul So
shall yoa win his support for aye.
Observe Professor Braddeus Borch-
gevinok. a bore with a mania for iec-
turing and reading poetry TO his ac-
quaintances-a bore so frightfui that
when he rises TO address the multitude
men fee as fiom death on a pale horse
Say TO him we shall be glad to have
him come tonight and read to US in his
most fiery. dramatic manner his essay
on the true difference between the eth
nology and the ethology OF the Igdul-
frazzians and the Lugalzaggisians So
shall Professor Braddeus Borchgevinek
be yours till death.
Behold next the third voting c;ti-
zen. Deacon Grumpy Gridley. You can
not praise him for his good looks. good
manners, good clothes or literary gem
ius He has none OF these and re
knows It. He is obstinate beyond de-
scription, and his pride In himself is
that he cannot be battered. Ask him,
my daughter, what he thinks OF the
Fire Eating insurance stock as an In
vestment for the small savings of lone
women who have not mans strong
arm or brain TO depend upon either for
support or advice. Say to him you
know his experience as well as his un-
errlng natural shrewdness and his sur
passing power OF reasoning will enable
him 60 give US precisely the counsel we
need Say that in the next nominating
convention YOU trust the Squabbletown
citizen who is a natural leader OF men
VIII get Just recognition. He wants to
go To the state senate worse than ne
wants 10 go TO paradise, and that will
fetch him. He will happily himself all
the way home, and some OF these fe-
licitous thought waves will be sure TO
vibrate as far as this postoffice and you.
Last OF ALL In the gathering gloam-
ing In the vista beyond the grocery
advances one more voter--plain Will
liam Jones. Yet not alone is he. His
wife Is beside him, as ever. He is not
beautiful or wise or magnetic, yet his
wife deems him all three; therefore Is
m L..
60 leave her He has not the qualities
OF great political leader. neither COM
mercial foresight nor hlndsight. and he
would not care a straw for them IL he
had. one thing in life he does care FOR
-eating-and Mrs. Jones intimate lady
friends aver her TO be the poorest cook
and the LATEST woman in squabble-
town My child. be up and doing. In
yite him and Mrs. Jones TO dinner on
Christmas. Spare neither pains nor ex-
pense TO please Jones. See TO Il that
the cranberry sauce is without skins
20 rake the Jones palate. Watch that
the turkey be brown and tender: have
n dash of costly brandy. not too faint.
I'm this voters after dinner coffee. So
shall you grapple the Jones influence TO
your soul with hooks OF steel
MY daughter, every man alive can
be nattered by a woman. Lay you IL on
thick. Chortle sweetly. Praise each
one not so much for the good qualities
he manifests as for those he most de-
sires to appear possessed OF. So shall you
hold n postoffice long I'm the land the fs-
theirs have given you. May you be hap
py,"
When ironing iaces. cover them with