The Western news., 1901-07-24

n VA -.a4
Teacher What is an unknown guam
tity? Coal Dealers Soma ton Of coal.
TIT Bits.
How ignorant Miss swamper IL Of
history" .She inherits it. Her father
ia an historical novelist. Life.
papa, what is a syndicateY' my
son, 1t is a body Of human beings en-
tirely surrounded by money."-Ex.
In These Days Of Weddings: The
Mother-She says she'll elope. The
Father-Let her do it. It's cheaper
Life
Stern Pater-Johnny, what must you
do first of all to have your sins for
given? Johnny Commit the sins
Yale Record.
! Hewitt-Mrs. Gruet has presented
her husband with twins. Jewett--
You've got funny ideas about presents.
Town Topics.
Householder Ito suspicious character)
\ What do you want? Suspicious Char
acter (thoughtfully)-Wel | dunno;
what yer got Harlem Life.
Circus Manager-What's all that row
! In the dressing-room? Attendant-Oh,
the man who walks barefoot on swords
ran splinter In his foot.--Ohio State
Journal
Miss Garlinghorn is blonde, is she
not?" asked Rivers. Nee brunette"
answered Brooks, with somewhat
Gallo play Of the intellect. as it were.
Chicago Tribune.
All Honor to Funston: Reider-Tm
glad that most of Funston's party, that
captured Aguinaldo, were natives.
Scanlan-W Why? Reider-They won't bs
able to write magazine articles.-Brook-
lyn Life.
His Able Proxy: my wife makes mo
stand round--l can't deny that"
doesn't It humiliate your" 'No; our
baby Is the living image Of me-and he
makes her stand ound."-Chicago Rec
ord Herald.
"You admit that the audience howled
and whistled through the whole three
acts Of your play, and you say 1t might
have been worse? How could itT'
There might have been i've acts."-
Philadelphia Times.
"I'll have to leave your service, sir.
said the coachman to the trust mag
nate. "I'm sorry to hear that, John.
Why?" Every time l drive you out.
sir, l hear people say: "There goes the
scoundrel,' and don't know which OF
us they mean. Philadelphia Times.
Double-hurry Call: Little Freddie
Please, Mr.. Druggist, papa wants Q
' bottle of liniment, and mamma wants
. bottle of china cement, right away.
t Druggist-All right; what's wrongf
d Freddie-Mamma hit papa with tho
4 gar-bowl.-Baltimore American.
= Customer-And Is this chair really an
ANTIQUE piece Of furniture? Dealer
ANTIQUE, madam! There's no doubt
y about that. Why, it was SO worm
: eaten when bought it that had to
have q new back and q new seat ana
three new legs made for it.-Tit-Bits
> The Final Argument: "Yes, he's a fine
dog. Uncle Rastus, and I'd like to own
. him, but your price is little too high" !"
..Bettah git i'm while yo' kin, Cunnef
> Hawkins. Mistah Peahpont Mawgan
> might wan to buy him some o desc
DAYS, an den whah'd yo be?"-Chicago
= Tribune.
q Did She Accept Him.: Tess-He pro-
a posed to her in rather grewsome
way. Jess-Why, understood he
Il merely asked her to share his fortune.
It Tess-No, he asked her II she would
.. care to share his lot. They We're walk
,r ing in the cemetery at the time.-Phil-
e, adelphia Press.
" A Conservative Choice: Miss High
t, step-'Scuse NAH bluntness, honey, but
n why did you marry such a homely
n man? Mrs. Washington-Wa-al, pre-
u ferred a homely husband dat would
s. stay home an wiring nah clothes rad
$, der dan a handsome niggah dat would
ir kite aroun' an wiring NAH heartE
is Puck.
u What She Would Have-"For In.
stance. Johnnie" said the teacher to the
bright boy Of the arithmetic class, sup
r, nose your father had hundred dollars
er and gave your mother fifty, and then
r. borrowed ten from her-what would
IN she have?" "She'd have a sore hand.
al "What do you meanY He'd have tc
x, cut the money loose from her fingers
as Baltimore American.
- Accommodating back as sooI
"a as possible" said her mistress to Mag
gle, who was going home in Response
e. .s to telegram saying her mother was Ill
~ eyes, num-" promised Maggie. A da,
~ or two later a letter came: Dear Mis-
- Smith: win be back mex week plea
Z, - KEEP my place. for me mother is dying
- as fast as she can To oblidg Maggie
- Lippincott's Magazine.
ha II am afraid you don't understand
,;s the value of a dollar" said the yer,