The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1901-03-20
KEPT TALLY ON FIBS.
THE ASTONISHING RESULT OF ONLY
ONE DAY OF COUNTING.
An Investigators Discovery of What
an Enormous Bouquet of the Flow
ers of Fable Adorns the Daily
Speech of the Average Mortal

an Enormous Bouquet of the Flow
crs OF Fable Adorns the Daily
Speech of the Average Mortal
do you know that the average Amer
lean Is hopeless and incorrigible and
unmitigatcd liar" said an amateur
cynic of Baronne street 81 don't mean
he lies viciously but suave mendaclty
glides Off the end of his tongue as cas-
lily as molasses flows from a spigot on
a warm day in summer He does 1t IN
consciously. habitually, automatically
just as his lungs expand and his
heart palpitates and his hair grows,
without any special attention from the
rest of his system. lie does ii because
he cant help it. The thing has become
a second nature.
Il had all this brought home to me-"
continued the amateur cyuic, "by
very simple little experiment which |
tried on myself and a few others no
longer ago than yesterday morning
Did you ever see a pocket counting ma
chlne2 Well it's a little device shaped
like watch. Whenever you press the
stem the needle on the dial jumps
point, and 1t registers In that way up
TO several thousand on the principle of
cyclometer. They are used by any
body making long counts aud are very
handy, because they never forget where
they leave Off.
But. to come to the point. some
thing happened to remind me of our
national vice of untruthfuness us |
was getting up yesterday, and | deter
mined TO keep tab on myself and as
certain, if possible, how many actual
out and out lies | put into circulation
in the course of the day. ! CHANGED to
have one of the little counting ma
chimes | have just mentioned, SO | slip
ped II into my pocket and started out
"The first lie l told was right at the
door Smithson was passing and stop.
ped to shake hands. Hello, old man.
said l. Delighted to see you. when as
a matter OF fact | was deueed sorry to
see him, because | owe him ten !
gave the counter a squeeze and hur-
ried on, but before | got to the Office
had logged 1t nine times
What did jog 1t for, did you ask?
Oh, trivialities, mere trivialities, but at
the same time point blank lies. every
one OF 'em. Whenever | opened my
mouth out dropped some COMPOUNDED
hyperbole. / told Jones the Joke he in.
sisted In springing on me WINS the best
| ever heard and then made double
tally in assuring his wife she was look
ing remarkably we'll when she was
looking exactly like a scarecrow. |
told another friend | never laughed so
much In my life as had at something
or other, don't remember now what.
and still another that hadn't slept u
wink for three nights when | had net.
ralgia lately-all lies, bald lies, in spite
of their harmlessness
when | reached the Office and look
ed at the dial, | was Mortified. Good
heavens | said to myself. II seems
to be physically impossible for me TO
speak the plain truth In the paltriest
matters III Just remain perfectly
quiet for half an hour and keep check
on Boggs
"Boggs is our head bookkeeper and
q pillar In one Of the suburban church
es," continued the amateur cynic. HE
wears rubber overshoes In wet wealth
err, cultivates sandy side whiskers, cnr-
ries a bingham umbrella. belongs TO q
building and loan association and has
all the other marks Of severe respecta-
bility. | had supposed him to be the
quintessence of cast iron veracity. but
when | sat down In cold blood TO put
him on record | was astounded at the
blase fashion with which he frivoled
with the truth. | pushed the button
on him 10 times In q minutes; then he
got into whispered conversation with
a caller, and | lost the thread Of his
remarks But I am certain II | had
been In earshot the counter would have
had hard work keeping up with the
procession.
THAT relieved my mind somewhat
and later on when made quiet test
of several of the other fellows in the
office, ! came to the conclusion that
was no worse than the average. but the
average was pretty tough. AS far as
my Investigations went the invoice
clerk held the record He Is gulleless
sort of chap, with modest manners and
n freckled nose, and | never supposed
he bad any imagination concealed In
his peg topped Uranium, but he forced
me to push the Indicator up exactly y
times In 10 minutes. During the last
part of the stretch. however, he was
trying to trade off secondhand bicy
Gle, and that naturally swelled the re-
turns.
"Of course soon realized that the
idea OF keeping count on my own men
daeity was entirely impractical and
abandoned the effort. but the other
data has furnished me with abundant
food for thought. My brother-In-law.
by the way, Insists that we would
make a great mistake IN trying to
weed these flowers Of fable out Of cur
daily speech. He says we lie contiru-
ally and Systematically because every.
body else lies. and man who would
start out to tell the plain. cold, raw.
rectangular truth about everything In
life would lie little better than an an
archlst lie would upset all establish
ed standards Of yalne and make II nee
essary almost to recast the language.
Besides, nobody would believe him.
But my brother-in-law Is n doctor"
added the amateur cynic thoughtfully,
land maybe that makes difference
New Orleans Tlmes-D Democrat
Chinese Era.