davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
THE BRIDEGROOM WAS LATE.
Why He Arrived Touslcd and Cow
cred with Cobwebs.

"One Of the most embarrassing situa.
lions I ever saw" remarked a gentleman
at one OF the hotels, was at n big we'd
ding celebration at one of the large
churches in southern city several years
ago. It was the event, socially, Of the
season, and the church was filled with
bellies and beaus. The bride and Bird >
groom were among the most popular ~
the social set. The young lady was the
very essence OF grace in all things. But
the man who had won her was one Of tho
most awkward specimens of humanity
had ever seen. He was simply built that
way. lie looked it. He walked more
like camel than any human being I
have ever seen. He was the kind Of fell
low. too, who was always laundering cx-
cept in business. In business he was as
keen as they made them. and among the
older men in the commercial community
he was held up as a splendid example
of the young manhood Of the time.
But, getting back to the wedding, the
wise, whispering folk who generally look
after such things had arranged for the
affair in the most popular church Of the
city, and in spite of his protests they had
made it trine more elaborate than he
had even expected. They had arranged
for the bride and n number OF attendants
to approach the altar from the front part
of the church, and q 80 was the time ex-
actly when the meeting between bride
and bridegroom should take place at the
altar.
THE bridegroom was to come from the
back Of the church. The organ Numbered
forth the usual strains, and the pretty
bride walked down the aisle toward the
altar with the attendants. They reached
the altar. 1t was 1870 p. M, on the last
tick Of the half hour. The bridegroom
was not there. All eyes turned to the
door through which he was to enter But
1t never opened, and the seconds seemed
to lengthen into centuries. 1t was awful
The brides face flushed, and she was
rapidly weakening under the trying wait.
Five minutes nearly had passed, when
the door was flung open and the embar-
raised bridegroom entered. His face, too.
was flushed, his hair was touseled and
disaTanged, his gloves and shirt front
were soiled and, in fact, he was literally
covered with cobwebs and dust. But he
had the smile of victory on his face when
he broke through the door, and every
body seemed to he almost in hurnor 10
applaud.
| After the ceremony he explained why
it was that he did not arrive on time
The yard behind the church was not well
lighted. A huge organ box had been
placed up close to the church, and il was
one OF the boxes with folding door that
swung on hinges. In his excitement and
hurry he had opened this door and had
walked into the organ box, and before he
could get his bearings he had managed tc
undo all the little tidy arrangements he
had made for the occasion, and this ac
counted for the dust and the cobwebs
/ which chung to his hair and clothing wher
| he rushed into the church. New Or.
leans Times Democrat.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
ATEXAS GIRL TRANSFORMED

She Texas maiden; she came OF low degree.
Her clothes were worn and faded her feet from
shoes free.
Her fac. was tanned and ireckled her hair was
sunburned, too;
Her whole blamed tout ensemble was painful FOL,
TO view!
She drove lop cared mule team attached unto .
pillow,
The trcklng Precipitation eTuding from her brow.
And often she lamented her cruel, cruel fate
As but po' whites daughter down in the Lone
Star State.
No courtiers came to her; abe never had .
Her MIST, face precluded such things as that, you
know.
She WAS nobody's darling. no fellows solid girl,
And poets never called her an uncut Texas pearl
Her only two companions were those old flea bi,
mules,
And these she but regarded as animated tools
To plod along the burrows in patience up and
And pull the ancient wagon when psp'd SO to
town.
No fires of wild ambition we're surging in her
soul
Her eyes with tender passion she'd never upward
roll.
The wondrous world she'd heard OF 10 her was
bus dream
As walked she in the furrow behind that lop cared
team.
Born on that small plantation, twas there she
thought she'd die
She never longsd for pnons that she might ri@
and fly
To other lands far distant where breezes fresh and
cool
Would never shake and tren,bls from brayings OF
mule
But yesterday We saw her dressed up in gorseou.
stylel
A half a dozen fellows were hasSing in her smile
She'd Jewels on her fingers and jewels in hci
ears
Great, sparkling. flashing brilliants that hung as
frozen tears
The feet once nude and soil stained. were clad in
Frenchy boots,
The once tanned face bore tintings OF miscellane-
The voice that once sdm0nished the mules to
move along
Was tuned to newborn music as sweet as sirens
song!
Her tall and l.nky father. once known as SLEEPY
JIM"
IL now addressed as Colonel" by men who homo,
him,
And youths in finest raiment now take him by
the paw,
Each in the hope that some day he'll call him
dad.in.law.
Their days OF toll are over; their sun has risn at
A gold embroidered curtain now hides their rocky
past.
For was it not discovered their little patch oil
soil
Had rested there for ages above aow OF oil,
james Barton Adams in Denver Post.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
AN EXPERT CRATER.
His Remarkable Romance That New
or Fni1cd to work.

"Don't believe me, hey?' smiled the
tough looking tramp who had taken n
stool in Il Grand River avenue drug store
and asked for free dspcnsation of
some spiritus frumenti as nerve tonic.
"I'm giving it to you straight. I used to
run just as nice a place as this in this
very street. Got a hard prescription
there? II I can't compound it just as
well as your own pharmacist. I'll go out
of here dry"
Then he entertained the proprietor by
reading off the Latin labels, translating
them and telling the uses OF the different
drugs as none but an expert could. He
was ''sure enough" druggist.
"How on earth did you ever lose your
grip" asked the proprietor after setting
out graduated glass with double dose
of the medicine called for.
ats one of the strangcst stories you
ever heard of, but it's straight. l was
alone IN the store about II o'clock at
night when well dressed man rushed
in and told me in gasps that his wife had
taken a dose of arsenic by mistake not
five minutes before. l couldn't leave,
but | gave him an antidote and told him
to run for all he was worth and to call a
doctor as soon as he had given the mcdi-
cine. Next day he was back and told
me that before the week was out he
would give me an evidence of his appre-
citation that would put me on Easy street
1.-THE races were on, and Thursday
morning he called, took me into the back
room and put me on to a sure thing at sc
to |. He was on the inside and was
going to put up every dollar he could
raise. He advised me to do the same,
and did, cleaning out my bank account,
getting my wifc's savings, putting a chat
tel mort gage on my stock and making my
grateful friend my agent to place the
money
"And the horse lost?'
"Was no such horse. The mans wife
never took poison because he had nc
wifc-nothing but an elaborate confidence
game, and I've been hunting him ever
since"
'IIeavens. what luck. Have another
Put this flask in your pocket"
THAT romance always gratis EN-
smiled the tramp as he headed down the
avenue. Never knew it to fail."-De.
trot Free Press.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Kinder Than His Pop

"Say, pop, you know Mr. johnson
cross the streetW asked S-year-old Tom
my Cross.
Yes know him most as well as do
you" replied the elder Cross.
well, he's got four beauteous ponies
in his barn.
"Well?'
"An you know Jimmy Placer"
Eyes"
"Jimmy's awful smart. He says you
can take a bunch OF beeswax an push it
into the keyhole OF the lock in the barn
an take away the hole, SOS you can make
a key that wis st it, seei"
"Oh, is that 500"
yep. An Jimmy's father makes bull
lets out of lead, an he can take the lead
an make key, an what do you expectT"
well, with an enterprising lad like
Jimmy I should think that after taking
away the hole he'd go back and get the
barn"
Nope; but he's going to take out the
ponies some dark night, an say. pop, he's
going to give me one. That's more than
you'd do for me-
Hum! Guess it is."-New York Mail
and Express.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
SIX LAMB CHOPS.
They Caused n Heap of Trouble In
Family oi Three.

7 ordorod civ lamb chons NV nhonc tho
otbor d,v We have three in tho family
-pcrsons NOT chops-including the maid
and calculated that six chovs would
average mn something like tso chons
apiccc Understand mo I'm not willing
70 hot on II. have bct on what I CON
sidered absolute certainties sevcral times
and lost.
We'll. 7 asked tho butcher TO have them
young and fender. He promised he
would. II is so easy TO promise things
over tho nhono, Ue soid "You don't
want 'cm too Young. do you?" I told
him didn't think I did. | also told him
that be must no worry careful and NOT
have thcm too tcnder other. He assured
me he would look out for that. He did.
didn't 600 those chons until they came
nm tbc table. Tho maid assures mo thew
are the Same chops I ordered She nut
the entire six on the table. NV wife
saws she told her that she didn't think
she cared for chops. She said she was
afraid she'd get the new filling out of her
teeth. am forced to conclude that she
had sampled one of the six.
The butcher didn't get 'em too young,
unless 40 or pcrhaDs 80 wears can be
considered Young. Nor were they too
tender. Our butcher Is n conscientious
tradesman. When he SAYS he'll see that
meat isn't too tender. il never is. And
it's the same way when he says nothing
about it. One Of those chops is now dry
ing on the back fence. I'm going to use
it for a hinge on the kitchen screen door.
knew something was doing just az
soon as tried to cut one of 'em. Some
times it seems to me that it's foolish
habit TO cut up meat. Our revercd an
cestors, the cave men. used to bolt their
meat, steak at Il time. 1t saves knives,
and it saves teeth
Our girl snilingly remarked that she
would bring me Il knife with steel
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Things That Might He Bettered

This may be the age of steel, steal,
progress and reform, but we are not i'm
proving in some lines with commend a BILE
speed. The eyelets in our shoes are
round, but we still wear fiat strings. The
loops on our summer trousers are placed
so low that the waistband protrudes
above the belt. The strap on the neck
band Of our shirt is long enough TO let
our tie slip over the top OF the collar.
Our hats are made for bullet headed
men; those with long heads must have a
new purchase stretched out Of shape to
obtain fit. The only kind OF bachelors
buttons that are not utterly worthless
grow wild in the fields of the United
States. The country youths used TO car
ry them in their pockets to divine their
success with their swccthearts. - New
York Pre-.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
CONSOLATION.
When you have an achin longin to go lshin.

When you have Rchn longin to go hshin,
When tn minnorS an m sp"oked bass invite,
When you sit upon III d9mpi,h bank, a.wishin
That tn consumed inNitationcrs would bite.
Chew tn oud Of calm reflection,
Though elected 10 detection.
An remember there's Il day fl every night
When your wfe's maternal ancestors a-Comip
Bent on maxim 1t long, persistent stay,
Al you hear tn busy bees Of trouble hummin
An you wish she'd hurry up an go away,
BE tn master Of your trouble;
Don't let trouble trouble double,
But remember every night must have its day.
When sou sign a note Just f'r accommodation,
An your friend forges tn note is comm due.
An YOU feel constrained to swear in moderation
When he leaves tn final settlement to you,
Watch your chance soak it to him,
An he'll wish you never knew him;
Every ink black cloud has got its sky OF blue.
When friend comes up an perpetrates a story
That you've heard thousand years ago or more
An Won like to make surrounding landscape CORY
with this selfsane story tellin feller's gore.
Giggle, grit your teeth an bear it,
Most OF us have had TO share it,
Tr you've peddled that same tale in days o.
yore.
Denver Times
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01

The doctor coming in will mt a glance
see 1t is not only present disease he must
Tight but years of fast living The clcr-
gNman, for the suke Of the feelings of the
family, on the funeral day will only talk
in religious gcperalities. The men who
got his ya,ht in the eternal rapids will
not be at the obsequies. They have
pressing engagements that day. They
will send flowers to the coffin, will send
their wives 10 utter words of sympathy
but they will have engagements else
where. They never come. Bring me
malot and chisel, and | will cut that
mans epitaph, blessed are the dead who
die in the Lord" NO" you say, that
would not be appropriate," Let me die
the death of the righteous and let my last
end be like hisT NO" you say, that
would not be appropriate" Then give
me the ivEllet and the chiscl, and | will
cut an honest epitaph, Here lies the vic
tim of dissipating sssociationsr'
Another test by which you can find
whether your secret society is right o.
wrong is the effect it has on your secular
occupation. | can understand how
through s,ch. an,institutien man can
reach commercially success. ! know some
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
See.
Explained.

The human being stood on the curb.
stone watching the horse with sunbon-
net on.
Il wonder" said the human being
why it is that am embarrassed at the
idea OF wearing a shirt waist in this
weather while you don't seem to care
how absurd you look in that headgear."
at is due to mere accident of birth,
answered the horse good naturally. III
is in the nature of things that | should
have horse sense '-Washington Star.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
An Unfair Advantage.

Two Irishmen were out fishing and
concluded to make wager with each
other as to which would catch the most
FISH.
They had been fishing for about half
IN hour. with little or no success, when
Pat. who was standing lost his balance
and fell off the pier. AS at went head
long past Mike the latter gave n yell and
said:
"Begorra. il We are gon to dive for
'em, the bets of "-London Answers.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
A Sure Result,

"Say, old chap, Coffup and have bet
we wish you'd decide for u.s."
"No. thanks"
"Why-why not? We're both friends
of yours"
Exactly. So what's the use OF my
making an enemy of one Of YOU, "-Iife,
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
nrinRinC Him 20 Terms.

II would like to have your photograph
for an article 10 be published in our Sun.
day paper" said the representative of
the sensational journal.
Couldn't think OF it," said the man
whose sudden fame was due to the fact
that his son had eloped with variety
actress. IL have no desire for notorioty.'
"Of course" was the reply, III you
prefer to have me sketch you from mem
DRY after ! get back to the othce"-
"1'ake IT," cried the man, hastily ten
dering the photograph. I've seen som
Of those memory sketches" - Chicago
Post, a
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01

First Doctor.-Did you give Tugs the
treatment we decided upon?
Second Doctor-Yes; and it nearly kill
ed him.
"What a narrow escape"
at was indeed. 1t has taught me al.
ways TO collect in advance after this
San Francisco Bulletin.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Merely ChristeninR Him,

"Your honor" pleaded the prisoner, II
was just helpin him out bit. He said
he never had been chrstonsd."
"But how did your action remedy mat
ters?" asked the police magistrate.
why. broke a wine bottle over his
head, didn't l? An any sea farm man
will tell you that's the proper way
Chicago Post.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
A Custom In Danger,

1.-THE Chinese" said the man who is
always trying 10 unload back number
information. have a very curious GUS
tom of paying all their debts the first OF
the year"
"Well." answered the man who takes
everything seriously, IL guess they will
get over that habit when it comes TO in
IDENTITIES. Wv ashington Star.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Slips of the Pen.

II am open to conviction" said the
burglar, and he was right. Eight years
and six months was the sentence.
There is a deal of firing at random, but
1t Is always some one else who gets bit.
man who rents says six story rec.
ommendation usually goes with a two
story house.
When a young man calls on a girl and
the old folks Immediately leave the par
Tor, 1t is safe to propose.-Los Angeles
Herald
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
THE BUSIEST OF ALL.

They say the bee is busy. and it Is:
Where flowers bloom it's always after
biz
But when, a-weary. / go out to sit
And rest upon the porch, such nights
as these
IT seems to me that for get up and git
The she mosquito eats the busy bees.
Chicago Record IIera Id
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
EmerRencY Ability.

"Women have no originality-no in
ventive genius"
Nonsense. I've seen my steuographer
make a memorandum with a hatpin on a
cake Of soap when she had no paper
handy."-Chcago Record H rald.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Why He Gets the Rest.

First Boa rder--How is II that Tact
leigh always gets the best of everything
at the table?
Second Ditto-Oh, he's such smooth
chap. Ever since he spoke of the milk
we get as cream" Mrs. Porter has been
wonderfully gracious to him. - Boston
Transcript.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
An Emergency VIII.

Some years ago there was produced
in the English court Of probate plank
on which were scratched the testament
tary dispositions Of shipwrecked ma
val officer, The board, with its rough
carving, was held TO be a will duly exc
Cutad
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
EYila of POlitica.

Blithers-Our old friend, Colonel Beet
bad. is another instance Of the strenuous
life OF politics.
Blathers-How's that?
Bithers--He sued an opposition party
paper for printing a caricature of him,
and the jury decided that the picture fat
tered the colonel-Ohio State Journal
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
One Sorrow Less.

"Do you think that young man who
Is poor has an advantage over the child
of luxury in an artistic careerT asked
the aspirant.
"Wel," answered Mr.. Stormington
Barnes re1ectiyely, "of course he has
this comfort He isn't nearly so liable to
lose lot OF money. "-Philadelp Press.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Poor Paua.

81 never see you lounging in the ham
Knocks, Mr.. Subhs."
mo; these gay front porch hammocks
are for company and for ornament. The
old rope thing the folks let me swing in
Is around in the back yard. detroit
Free Press
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01

Maud--IIas Mr.. Goodketch come to call
on You yet?
Mabel-No. He asked me several
weeks if he might call too.
Maud-W nat did you say In reply?
Mabel told him mamma would be
glad to sec him.
Maud-Wen, that's where you swal-
lowed your gum.--Chicago Tribune.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Fair Minded, Anyhow,

Briggs-Who was the homelest man
you ever saw?
ggimugg, by all odds. He
was SO homely that he took offense If you
told him that his children resembled him
in the least-Boston Transcript.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01

"As l passed your house last even
ing" he said, II thought ! heard an an
gel singing"
EYES," she answered icily, IT was at
the theater last evening. Her cousin,
however, and her twin babies were at
our house visiting the cook."-Stray
Stories.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Give the Falls q Chance.

Bridget O'Hoolahan ton Pan-American
excursion at NiaGara)-Arrah, amt Il a
grand soght, PATRICK?
O'Ioolahan-Hist, woman! Sthop talk
ing long enough for me to hear the roar!
brooklyn Eagle.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
A Test of Prominence.

"He assumes n great deal of impo--
tance az public official" said ono Chi
naman.
Yes" answered the other, "hut any
one can see he doesn't really amount to
much. he has been beheaded only twice
In the past six months. w ashinston
Star,
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Moan of Them

"Well, Dorothy" said Aunt lane.
they've decided to name the baby IIar-
old
"Oh, pshaw" exclaimed little Dorothy.
81 think that's too mean. Why coul Init
they name it Elsie or something? They
know l want a little sister. "-Philadel-
phia Press
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Wood Eatera.

The veddahs, or wild hunters, Of Cey-
Ion mlnglc the pounded tbers of soft
and decayed wood with the honey on
which they feed when meat is not 10
be obtained.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Not His Wny.

Judge-You are charged with stealing
six turkeys from Colonel Smilax. Have
you any witnesses?
Rastus-No. sab; you bet l amt. |
doan steal turkeys befo' witnesses, sab"
-Cincinnati Enquirer.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
What E1aie SRid.

"I'm afraid l can't interest my 5-year-
old Elsie in fairy tales any longer"
"And why not?"
81 was telling her about the Forty
Thieves and when | got to the 40 oil
jars with thief in each jar what do you
suppose she sad?"
81 give 1t up"
"She said, Wouldn't that jar youT"-
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Turned His Hea d .

widow Brown has completely turned
old Skeesick's head"
Eyes. notice his hair has turned
darker since he met her."-New York
Herald.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Habits.

She-I hear so much talk about Ha-
vana wrappers. What is Havana wrap
per. anyway
He-Why, It's sort OF tobacco habit
Philadelphia Press.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01

"That Miss Fortysummers is subject
to fainting fits"
sis She"
81 started to ask her to join me in a
glass OF soda water the other evening.
but when got to the word Join she
keeled right over in my arms."-Ohio
State journal.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
A REASONABLE EXPLANATION.

Ministcr-"Bridget, these potatoes taste
mOuldN."
Bridget-"Ycs, sorr, Oi dare say, sorr-
they set mkt to your barrel O. sermons in
the suller, Harlem life ..--.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Indispensable.

Did chap"
Cholly Three per-week-Ya-as, old fel.
Had to hurry back TO let the boss off,
1ontcherknow.-New York journal.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
DEFINED.

Say, pop, I've got to write a compost
tion on Hope What is Hope, anyway
Hope. my boy, is the joyous eNpocta-
ton of being able to dodge our just de-
serts."-Iife,
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01
Ctilizing the Dead Languages.

"Bille got all the Greek and Latin
prizes at college"
"Did he? What's he doing now?"
"The only job he could get was as as
sistant to the coroner" -Cleyeland Plain
Dealer.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1901-08-01

She-What does 1t require besides pa
thence to make good fisherman?
He-An utter disregard for the truth.