Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1901-02-21
DANGER IN THE BOOK.
WHY ONE NAN DREADED THE CON-
ING INTO CAMP OF A DICTIONARY.

He Discreetly Left Before the vocif-
erousIy Applauded Sentiments He
Expressed In His Speech Could Be
Analysed "a la Webster.
When the son of the president of the
Big Mountain Lumber company came
Into the mountains TO learn the bust
ness, so TO speak, | knew within 10
minutes that he had come to the
wrong place. He was a city chap, new
ly graduated and thoroughly out of
touch with everything mountainous.
He was 4 bright fellow, however, and
amply capable, only the mountains
were not the field for his development.
AS time elapsed his distaste grew, and
1t was all he could do not to express
his opinion of the mountain people,
their manners, customs, homes, morals
and everything connected with them.
He was wise enough to confide in me
alone and bided his time to get away
to some more congenial cline. And
he got away sooner than he expected.
1t happened that there was a public
meeting one night at the sawmill shed,
and he was called on to make a few
remarks. Every other man at the
meeting except myself, who acted as
chairman, was of the mountains, and
their :lliterate talk had reused the
young college fellow to the limit. He
saw a chance to get even, in his own
mind at least, and when the call came
for him he responded promptly. His
speech. quite brief, but to the point,
was as follows, copied from his own
manuscript, even the [applausel part:
"My friends, am glad to meet you
on this occasion, for l have wished to
say to you publicly what l think Of
you, though our acquaintance has not
been long. Coming as a stranger
among you, was only partly prepared
for what was in store. Now. let me
say to you that half has not been told
me. [Applause.l In the internecine
arena your lethiferous conduct has
artounded me by the trucidation and
decision characterizing it among no
| men ! have ever known. loud ap-
| plausel In the diversified field of
mendacity your efforts would make
Machiavelli take to the tall timber.
[Uproarious applause.l In all fura-
cious, raptorial and predacious pur-
suits you have done such wonders
that the gifted and great Jonathan
Wild would have felt his latrociny
was sounding brass and his direption
| a tinkling cymbal. [Great applause.l
| In the broad expanse of labor your
| torpescent oscillation has made you
sui generis among all pandiculate man.
| kind. lCheers and shouts of Good for
us"'l As good livers, your tables
groan beneath their stercoraceous and
| impetiginous burden, and as drinkers,
your temulent bibacity has made the
| crapulous reputation of Bacchus to be
| a sign of puritanical abstemiousness.
| loud applause As for yourselves,
take pleasure in saying here to you,
without fear of successful contradic-
| ton. that your nugacity is forever
established; as observers Of the law,
your aberrance is Genealogical, and
| personally you are q cohesive concat-
enation of rubigant exuviR. that
take especial pleasure In believing does
not exist elsewhere on earth. GVocif-
erous applause.l"
When the enthusiasm had cooled
down somewhat. he proceeded to speak
| on the subjects before the meeting and
| sat down. The. mountaineers were
! pleased to death with the college mans
| high flown speech about them, and
| though didn't know the meaning of
! all the big words he used l did know
that he had been calling them liars and
and drones and lawless drunkards, be-
sides condemning their fare and anath.
| ematiZing the lot of them personally.
But not one Of them suspected, and I
was hoping nothing would come of II
and they would forget, even IL any of
the large words were remembered.
when one day book agent drove up
nounced that he was selling Webster's
Unabridged Dictionary for 81 copy
and showed sample that was as big
as a box of soap.
Nobody had ever seen so much book
| for the money, nor had anybody ever
seen dictionary In that neighborhood
and when the agent began to tell what
a valuable thing it was to be in every
| family the men became interested, and
it wasn't long until the agent had sold
% copies, to be delivered the following
week. When he had gone away with
his sample. called the young man
| into the private office for consultation
Don't say a word" he began as
soon as he had closed the door. 81
know exactly where | am at, and
I'll be some place else before Mr.. Web
ster arrives to throw any light on my
recent remarks. am not shedding
any tears. and In order that the die
tionary buyers and others may know
| just what think of them | shall leave
two dozen copies OF my speech for dis
tribution on the morning Of my de
parture."
He did just as he said he would. and
| II was good thing for him that he
never came back any more.-W. T.
hampton in Washington Star.