The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1901-12-15

as reflected that I was the boy. and that
my years had wrested from me my
dreams, that my vain regrets had become
SO threadbare they gave me no longer
the recompense of seeming tragic I re-
nembered that Christmas, too, had pass
ed from me.
Il remember when It went from me the
stretch OF years where responsibility, and
the practically it exacts, tore from the
idea its fairy gauzes and gossamer drap-
cries. and left it at last a hard. naked.
uniovely fact remember of my resis-
lance. how hard 1 fought before giving it
Up. When the day before Christmas
came in this period I remember OF having
tried to throw myself into the mental
state l had possessed as boy. / tried
to re-create the atmosphere had known.
Christmas Eve 1 remained down town.
and watched the crowds scurrying home
with their bundles, their innumerable
bundles. For a year or two I caught
just little Of the Christmas warmth
from them. 1 deceived myself just a lit
tie. very little 1 thought 1 saw that
others still had the Christmas spirit that
alone had lost it, But I knew all the
4
folk and their affairs and how severely
real those affairs all were. / came to
know that Christmas was a business with
them, that it was mere day, as it had
come to be with me- One time a week
before Christmas 1 read Dickens Christ
mas Carol for the first time. 1t put all
the glamor back on the day. But when
came out on the street the Illusion fad
ed. None in Wichita was very rich or very
poor, no one exceedingly happy. none
extremely sour. The town and its peo-
pie seemed tragically monotonous in the
very equality of mind and endeavor and
capacity for veal or woe I used TO walk
the streets Christmas eve and imagine the
scenes within, the sleeping children, the
pendant stockings and the JOY TO come.
But it was not my joy and besides that
when my childhood left the capacity to
share childs JOY, and to reap the selfish
JOY of unselfsh sympathy went with it.
When l had a home of my own and
baby I made great TODD about the
stocking and the tree. But somehow the
baby's joy was not so electrical as ]
thought it would be. not so magnetic that
it could thrill me as 1 nad hoped. The
came down town again TO go to work
again, to earn money again and TO live
again. The day had not deluded me. 1t
was not Christmas. 1t was December %.
And so it became December . and re-
NAMED. Unconsciously every Christmas
eve I reach for the old charm and do not
find it, They say that giving of gifts
unselfshly brings it. 1t does not. Either
the gift is too meager TO admit Of salts
faction in the giving, or it is too great
10 warrant defense from foolish eXtrava-
gance.N
And what was the Christmas thrill Of
childhood? In the first place it was mys-
tic It had to be child-mind the vague
Significance Of the Star Of Bethlehem. L
remember as a boy watching some partic-
ular bright star in tn ecrisp December
night and thinking it another Christmas
star come again. The image of the man
ager and the Child was tangible, real,
thing which happened yesterday. There
was long anticipation of the day, count
of the months first, then the weeks and
then the days The day before Christ
mas was impregnated with mystery. San
IL Claus was vital, such a living, throb-
stores existence and its probable use
stood powerless before it. Even the sur
reptitious movement of the parents upon
your sudden entry and the superior knowi-
edge of what you were going TO get, al
fected by the older children. did not cause
You to suspect Santa Claus was real;
the actual things of the world unreal.
The boy who seeks TO remain awake at
night 10 see Santa Claus is half unde-
ceived and so is not deceived at all
christmas eve was usuais- marked by
q tree in my case, at the Methodist
church. The man in furs who there ap-
Deared I knew 10 be some Wichita per-
sonaEe. He was only counterfeit He
did not deceive me. But there was real
Santa Claus. the one who came TO my
house. He did not appear at church on
Christmas eve He came il the night
time and no one saw him. To have seen
him would have been 10 violate him.
remember of going home from the church
AZ night and studying the stars, the stars
that seemed always to me as boy to be
part OF Christmas eve. and part of Christ
and part of the old night in white Pales-
zine. I remember how warm the bed felt
one last inventory of the things I would
IKE to get dropping off 10 sleep Ny
mother always awakened me Christmas
morning. remember how used 10 hop
out and rush for The head Of the stairs TO
he blocked there with the rest OF the chill
dren until my mother was ready 70 lead
us down, all Of Us holding our long-taiied
gowns up and all making wild dash Tor
our stockings. for we did not have Christ
mas trees. Heavens how my heart jump
ed nj the sight of two-bts drum; what
unfathomable depths there was TO my
stocking. how the joy Of the moment
crew and grew and did not diminish with
the dav. What tremendous glories Turk
"a in a twenty-five cent tack-knife. and
how delIciously ambrosial q common gum
sror tasted. The first hour passed in
fash. and breakfast was ready before any
Of US expected it or had made complete
examination of al the gifts.
And / remember that Just AZ breakfast
time my father would come down ard
with a marvellous indifference look the
whole outat over and say,
Here. you children. come and eat
breakfast. You'll make yourself sick
eating that candy without something sub
stautial in Your stonachs-'
somehow he lacked enthusiasm And
then 7 wondered often why know now
The years had wrested Christmas away
from him"
Buckeye Writes of Wichita
J. II FITZGERALD. who recently made
-- - ,fssso,.-i Kansas and Oklahoma