The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1901-05-28
TIE PRIVATE SECRETARY.

4 and often he had taken long trains OF
wagons loaded with supplies across miles
Of sage brush plains crossed By deep riv-
/ ers.
/ So. on this particular occasion, when he
/ lifted up his voice in the town OF JOY
| keen and said things, the air round about
/ fairly tremb led and the Chinese woman
/ who was keeping house for the officers
/ mess down the street hurriedly pulled
/ down al the blinds and hastily shut the
! doors.
Where is my secretary want my
/ secretary roared the General
why, you know, sir, said his chief Of
/ STAFF in concniatory tones, that your
/ secretary IS III and l have had man
/ detailed from Company c OF the Sixty
first He was c stenographer before he
| enlisted, and I believe he can do the work
satisfactorily.
Send him herel" roared the General.
| send him here while I dictate a letter
that wiz curl that monkeys hair. 1 tell
you that the American army is com
posed OF gentlemen. and that these swine
cannot insult US with immunity. II
show them. They have insulted this ar
my. They have insulted the whole Amer
lean people III reply 10 their note.
That long-eared jackass- That pack mule.
That sway-backed broncho. Talk TO me
Ike that"
You know. General" said the chief OF
{
rather delicate position. and that a little
ill-adviseds although well-warranted, &C
ton on your part might bring affairs TO
a crisis. If you viii permit me- would
advise that your letter be extremely
guarded and diplomatic in tone"
IN diplomatic en- shouted the Cen
eraL
The chief of staff retreated, for he well
knew that his time for action came later
on The General always dictated what he
pleased tc his secretary, and then the
secretary, who had been with the General
for years, ard the chief of staff would
revise and expurgate what the General
had dictated and send a letter which,
while it breathed all the firmness and
clearness of the General, lacked the ex-
IRENE candor and luFid adjectives which
were 50 eIainently characteristic OF the
Generals western campaign experience.
The old secretary was 50 accustomed TO
the General that he never expressed the
slightest surprise at the most astonish-
ing expletives that the General calmly
gave vent 10 while debating his CORE
spondence. The General, TOO, in long
years had learned to put the most implicit
confidence in his chief of staff and his
secretary. He rejoiced that ne could say
what he pleased when debating letter.
yet there were never disastrous conse-
quences. He knew that, although he could
dictate a letter to those that had in
Cured his anger that would, as he ex-
pressed it, curl their hair" and yet no
one could ever say that a letter that bore
the Generals name was ever couched in
other than the most polite and scholarly
language.
When the private soldier who had been
detailed to act as the Generals secretary
while the regular secretary was sick
had come in and saluted, the General
pointed to table and commanded. Sit
down. Take this letter"
The soldier sat down.
start the letter.
yes, sir" said the private, hurriedly
placing his paper before him and waving
a pencil above it. who is it to, sir?'
It's to the biggest jaekass in this for
saken country. rZonowitchky is his name.
You know who 1 mean, boy. That Rus
sian General"
Nicholas Zonowitchky.
yes. that's it. Well then, address It to
General Nicholas Flashowhisly. or what
ever his name is. Put In command Of
Russian troops at Joykeen. Confound
himl I'd like to take a shot at him. He's
crazy. Crazy as q March hare. Tell him
so. He is. He ought TO know II. If 1
had a pie-faced mustang that didn't have
more sense in a minute than he's got in
a year I'd take the mustang down and
mean it. Tell him IN make what double
blessed disposition of my troops that 1
please. Tell him to run his own flea
bitten coffee-cooiers and leave my bust
ness alone. Tell him to shave of his
whiskers and soak his head three times
a day, and get somebody to chase him
around a ten-acre lot with a ball bat.
The General was warmed up to his
work by this time, and he was fairly
SURPRISING himself. The new secretary
trembled at the vigorous adjectives that
punctuated the Generals dictatiOn. but he
was a soldier whose first idea was an
implicit obedience of orders, and so
while he was appalled, at the letter he
was writing, which was to be sent to
the Russian commander he could DO moth
ing but put down what the General d.
rected.
''Ten the double-dashed fool to put out
his chest and brace up. Tell him 10 do
a few stunts himself before he talks to
his. betters,' screamed the General. Tell
that tripled. quadrupled, conglomeration
of idiocy that he ought to be put into a
feeble-minded asylum for life. Tell him
I wouldn't give him a job backing boots
He hasn't the sense TO curry blind mule.
And sign my name when you're done and
take it over and hand it to that fool
killer yourself
And the General hurled himself out Of
the room and mounted his horse and
gaToped for ten miles TO work of his
temper
The new secretary sat for some min
utes stupidly staring al his notes. Then
he went to work and when he had I'm
ished the letter read:
TO General Flashowhiskey, or what /
ever your name is. commanding Russian {
troops at Joykeen:
Dear Sir: 1 would like TO take a shot /
at you. You are crazy as March hare
II I bad pie-faced mustang that didn't
have more sense IN minute than you I
have in a year To take hira down and /
throw him fl the river. make what
d9uble-blessed disposition Of my troops /
that I please. You run your own flea
bitten coffee coolers ard leave my busi- /
ness alone shave of your whiskers and I
soak Your head three times day and (
set somebody TO chase -ou around ten {
acre lot with a BAH BAT Put out your /
chest and brace Up DO few stunts /
yourself before you talk 20 your betters-
You are a triple, quadruDled- congiomcr- I
alton Of idiccv. and you ought 70 be put (
into a fgeble-rlinded institute for life. (
wouldn't give you Joe niacaing boots. (
You haven't sense enough 20 curry 8 I
blind mule. Yours, etc,
SAMUEL X KNOWLTOS.
General Commanding United States I
Troops at Joykeen-'
The new secretary had mounted his +
horse and at the moment the chief of 4
stan was hunting feyorishly for him be I
was delivering the letter = General /
Zouowitchky.
m. Russian Generals translator work I
Ell for some hours with that letter. I
When he nnsily read his translation 80 4
General Zonowitchkv 70 is said fhat there 4
was na- a piece 81 furniture u me room 4
that the General did not break up-
That uight came an aide i not nesie 4
with letter from tie Elsslan t4elerai 4
~st75r-ing the -hfrhly Insulting ard un- 4
srr-lrL-- -. 1870 ~ Lterrral E.ulrELLel |