davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
Epieram. Of a Soxc,..t.

From THE Mantle of Elijah," by /.
Zangwill. After all, politics is only in
consistency reduced to Il career.
Truly the Engl!shman's mind is a
muddle. He pays churches to say one
thing, armies to do the opposite, and
board schools to unteach both things.
They say that trade follows the flag,
but 1t Is the flag that follows trade.
The march of empire is a commercial
advance covered by cannon.
Oh. If some one would only discover
Tow to destroy his lnicrobe of mlitar-
ism which ravages the world.
What Is the house of lords but q
monkeyhouse? All these brand-new
peers-these brewers and bankers
aping the old feuda lords mimicking
their medieval militarism.
Patriotism no longer means love your
country. 1t means hate your neigh
bors.
Our admirals and generals don't yowl
books and their ambition is to write
them. They yearn for plays and music
and pictures and the blessings of civil
izat1An. Do you think they enjoy see
ing their friends or their men with their
jaws blown off or their eyes goused
out?
London is Piccadlly and the park.
or it Is nothing. To live in London one
must be born rich or die dishonest.
Deathbed repentanees should be fol-
lowed by deaths. Life tries them too
hard.
Cheers are the certificates of elo-
quence.
Modern battles are won by brain,
not by Drawn. The future Napoleon
will be paralytic chess player car
ried about the field on a water-bed.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

1t fit loosely ON its nose Rivet the ends
together. Then take hickory stick
one foot long, one inch wide, and one.
fourth inch thick. Take a strap one.
half inch wide and put some tacks !
it, and rivet strap TO hickory stick,
heads down. points up. put this on
the calf's nose, with two light straps
buclSled behind its horns, and turned
it into the pasture with the cows. 1t
went straight to it's mother, but when
it went for milk more astonished
COW or calf never saw. The calf can
Craze Just as we'll with it on its nose
as without, and it does no injury to
the calf-I. w. Allaire, in Agricultural
Epitomist,
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
A PR1NcELY BANKRUPT.
Z. T. Hooley Lives In London At the nat.
OF $4,000 n Yenr

Ot O10,OOO o Year.
London Mail: 1t is now nearly three
years since the failure of z. T, Hoolev.
. Maose estate mas yielded SO far only
itors,
IN view of the magnificence with
which this splendid bankrupt contin-
ues meanwhile to enjoy life. inquiries
nave been made by a Daily Mail renre-
sentative as to the future prospects
the estate offers.
HIS INQUIRIES took our representative
70 the office of George Hardy, a mem
per OF the bankruptcy committee an
polnted by the creditors to act under
eMe SUPERVISION OF the board of trade.
itors, Mr.. Hardy expressed the beliaf
.nat the estate would yield another
Two shillings In the pound in the course
OF rev months. and was exceedingly
tpesslmlstlc as to anything beyond
that o1to
Mr.. Hooley bears his creditors mis-
fortunes bravely, does he not?''
In what way?"
He still lives at the rate of a few
thousands year?'
More than few thousands renlied
Mr.. Hardy. He has, besides his snita
OF rooms at Walsingham House. his two
country seates, Papworth hall and
Rlsiey hall Why, he pays in wages to
MS servants, male and female, and his
gardeners, grooms and the rest more
than $4,000 yearly. His weekly wages
bill. apart from those he paws monthly
or quarterly, is between e12O and gl30.
he Keeps many horses and every sort
OF Vehicle-from dogcart to a shoot
ing coach: he has about a score Of
gardeners at Papworth alone; he is con-
stantly adding to his estate there NV
buying up adjoining farms, and recent
~ ne bought $4,000 worth of adj
d1tlonal agricultural machinery for HIS
operations there. His wine cellars con-
tain one of the most extraordinary COL
lections ever got together and YOU NAV
say on my estimate, as a member Of
the committee, that this princely bank
rupt Is not living ut the rate of less
than s15,0O0 yearly"
But haven't you and your fellow
committeeman any means of diverting
some of this income toward the cred.
itors?"
None at all. Mr.. Hooley obtains his
income by the financial Operations he
conducts from Walsingham House.
where he sees his clients daily. But he
doesn't deal on his own behalf. He is
the agent OF his wife. l have long con-
tended that we, the committee, should
pe aDie 70 control the Dankrupt'S earn
lngs. We ought to be able to secure
for the creditors the remainder of that
income after allowing the bankrupt a
good maintsinance-say $4,000 year."
And do not your powers enable you
to do anything in that direction?"
No, but l have heard from a very
reliable quarter that as one result Of
this Hooley business legislation will be
proposed With the object of rendering
such crying scandals Impossible in the
future"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
ABOUT BITTER MILK.
tnjud,ciou. or Poor Feeding or Di.-
eased Condition of the Uddcr
Responsible for 1t.

The bacteriologists some of Them
ut least. say a bacterial organism gets
in the milk during milking which
there multiplits so rapidly as to soon
make the milk bitter, writes DIR.
Smead. in the National Stockman.
Well, that may be true etimes, but
more times it is not true in my ex.
perience. Some COWS long in lactation
will produce Il bitter, nauseons milk
by reason of n natural change going
on in their own system. OF this am
fully convinced, and have so expressed
myself in a previous article. In other
cases, u cow badly fed will give bit
ter milk, or IL diseased condition of the
Edder will do the same. The latter we
can easily find out Ivy simply milking
each teat separately, and thus find
which quarter is producing this kind
of milk, as ii is rare indeed that each
quarter is ailing. Not so when .hc
cows liver or digestion is deranged.
Then all the teats will furnish bitter
milk. The same is true when the
length of lactation is the cause.
1t is, therefore, important to know
about these things before prescribing.
The COW whose habit is to give bitter
milk when five, six or seven months in
lactation had better be dried off and
sold for beef. The one whose liver
or digestion is off should have a pound
of epson salts given as a physic and
two drains of powdered hyposulphite
of soda morning and night until the
trouble ceases. If bad, moldy food is
the cause, correct that by better
class of food. If, ns the bacteriologisr
says, she is carrying around on her
carcass lot of iilth-laden germs,
ready to drop in the milk, go at her
with soap and water, curry comb and
brush. backed up with plenty of elbow
grease, and scrub off the old COW and
make her clean. Then clean the sta
bic. Use lime or land plaster free
ly in it, and bed the COW with clean,
dry straw. Some mems COWS ] know
of would look a little wild out of their
eyes and might cause the owner to be-
lieve they We're going crazy, but they
won't
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09

did not like to wash his Neck or comb
his Hair, and he Bucked like Cayuse
against sitting IN the Library to read
Essays by Hamilton Wright Mabie
His Mother often said that the Law OF
Heredity must have Jumped Cog in
his Case. for she could not understand
how anyone with Jubbleson Blood in
his Veins could want to go out In the
Alley and play With the Irish. When
Theodore and Sue ana the Old People
sat at the Table and talked about the
Cosmogony of Correlative Forces, Jim
my either looked at his plate or else
pointed at the dishes he wanted pushed
over his Way AS soon as he had bolt
cd enough To last him he would work n
stealthy Escape by way of the Kitchen
and GA the way out he would remark to
the Cook. who was his Pal, that the
Gang in there gave him a sharp. sting.
ing Pain.
Occasionally his Mother would no
through his Clothes and discover ona
OF these dogeared Five Cent Libraries
that was being handed around from
lSid to Kid as long IS 1t would hold to-
gethcr. 1T was generally something
about Handsome Harry, the Boy Prize
Fighter. and Jimmys Mother would
come very nea, having Duck Fit. 1t
ald see1H strange 10 her that Lincal
Descendant of Ike Jubbleson shouid
want % l'ead such demoraliZing Trash.
The Family held many Conferences
. worry over Jimmy's Future. There
did not seem to he much Chance to
pad out his stunted Mentality SO as
to put him in the same Class with
Theodore and Sue, but 1t was decided
TO give him as much Education as he
was capable of talking on, i'm the Hope
That. az least. he might turn out to be
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
THE BRITISH WORKMAN,
Ono Took u Hours to put -Four Sore
in = vva.An--uA vi. vs..l-,,

Ono Took - Hours to Put -Four Screws
In . wladow-.A Fair Workman"
London Mail: Further revelations were
made in the official referees court yester-
day In tho case OF Mes,rA Bertram q Co.
against GeorgiAna, countess dowager OF
Dudley. which came before Mr.. Pollock
The plaintiffs, who are builders ana con-
tractors, claimed Of the defendant Rlo, 72s
for work done at her mansion. % Gros-
paid half the amount of the claim into
court. Mr.. Reginald Browne, K. c.. and
Mr.. Rose Innes appeared for the plain
Tina. and Mr.. Chitty and Mr.. Schiller rep
resented the defendant.
MIR. Bessant partner Of Mr.. Bertram in
REORGANIZATION. asserted that no time
was lost on the Job. Considerable diff
Guilty was experienced in fixing the win
dow easements as the walls were out Of
plumb.
Mr.. Chitty-But the drawing room walls
were all new. and you made them and the
windows. Yet you charge seventy-four
hours for fixing each of these windows
F. Wttness-It seems q long time, but 1t is
not too much. d-aughter.)
do you know that in one Of these
windows. which took seventy-four hours
to Ak, there are only four screws? r.
Such accidents frequently happen"
Did 1t take seven men seven weeks to
make three doors?" Yes; that is not
unreasonable
Not including moulding, cutting and
the rest Of it?' No. l can't explain
without giving you an object lesson in
the shops"
Mr.. chitty-win 1T take seven weeks?,
U.nughterD
The Official Referee-As far us 1 can
see. all this witness can say is that the
time having been charged for the doors 1t
is q reasonable charge. G4aughtcr.)
William Smith, carpenter, caused some
amusement by stating that before he
could do work he had ito think about it"
1t was not unreasonable that the sink In
the buffers pantry took los hours to
make. (The actual charge for this sink
was l41 hours9 Witness said there was
no chance OF "larking about" when her
ladyship came. He had been described as
the British workman's triumph.-14l hours
for fixing a sink" Laughter) Nobody
could fx sink In less time than he could
Gaughter.)
James Policy. plumbers foreman. said
that the last witness worked fair" like
any other workman. Iaughter.)
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
Tie Modern Fable of the Youngest Tilbury
and The Proud Colonial Stock on the Jubble-
son Side. - - ~ ~ ~
BY GEORGE ABE.
Copyrighted. l9ol, by Rcper. Howard Russcll

Once there was a Family named Til
bury. 1t was what might be called an
lntellee tual Family. Instead of lollins
around at the Breakfast Table, calling
for more Waffies and making Cracks
on what the Morning Paper has to say
about Tod Sloan, Secretary Root. Car
Tie b. Nation, Aguinaldo and others.
the ,lilburNs always sat up straight and
kept their Elbows off the Table and
talked somewhat like The North Am
elsan Review.
Old Hiram Tilbury, the Chief OF the
Clan. wore black Over-Gaiters as
Mark of extra Responsibility. The
Frown which he used as Trade
Mark kept his Brow iluted like Wash
Board. He was such q Reserved and
Scholarly Lawyer that very few Clients
had the Sand to go and break in on
him. He was the Stroke Oar in
Club made up of tcp-heavy Exclusives
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
NEW JOSS FOR BRITISH WOMEN
The Law Onlccs Which Arc Closed to
Them Now May 30 Opened at Ing,

Them Now May DO Opened at Ina.
Miss Margaret llowie, the Scotch wo-
man who is trying to become the Erst
woman lawyer in Great Britain by ..s!s-
Society Of Law Agents to admit her TO
membership, is yonug and preposscssing
and plays golf wei! enough to be put in
the champion class.
For generations members of her fam
lily have held high places at the Scottish
lar, but the conservative old Society OF
Law Agents isn't anxious to open the
door of the profession to women by ad-
hitting her to membership, but for all
that.
If Miss HOWE succeeds in persuading
the court to make the law agents take
Ter into the society, u new profession
with many lucrative offices attached
will be opened to women in Great Britain
Women will then become eligible for
under sheriffs, notaries public and
clerks of law courts and sessions.
The nearest approach to woman
lawyer In Great Britain so far has been
Miss Fray, who after failing In litiga-
tion on her own account haunted the law
courts In London and for small fee
coached less experienced litigants who
appeared there In person. contendinx That
she had a right to 10 so as i; friend.
The little matter of the fee was kept
carefully in the background and though
the Incorporated Law Society look I'd
askance at her she was never caught at
illegal practices.
Miss Fray anticipated the practice OF
a certain class o. lawyers here by
kecpns tabs on street accidents. find
ing the injured persons and prompting
spect with which she treated every Judge
OH the bench who decided against her
friends. legally her clients were,
cree led Mr.. Justice Kay in n moment of
great Indignation to accuse her OF
most ungentlemany conduct" She
died about ten years ago
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09

The process of gathering up low
grades and refuse butter and so reno.
waiting the mass as to produce clean,
palatable article, is in the abstract
gain to hnamnity, as is any process
that economies wastes, utilities by.
products and perfects or increases the
worlds food supply; but when avarice
impels weak mankind to sell the prod.
uct dishonesty, when this clarified
stuff is in many cases given to the COM
sumer as fresh creamery butter, law
is necessary to protect consumer, hon.
est dealer and the better class of pro-
ducers.-George NJ. Whitaker, in
Farmers Review.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09

Business Man. or something like that.
Jimmy was sent to neighboring
Freshwater College and told to fol-
low in the Footsteps of Theodore, but
he lost the Trail the first Day.
Now, although Jimmy was hopeless
ly N. G. in his Studies, he had not been
wasting his Time While playing in Va
cant Lots with the Tough Outfit that
lived over beyond the Tracks. He had
developed an Up Shoot that fooled the
Best of them, and he could slam them
right over the Die every time. Give
him nice Chew Of Gum and let him
work up gentle Precipitation and no
ter.s Neck every time he let go of It
and Fan them out as fast as they were
fed to him. So he became the Star
Pitcher of the First Nine. The new
South-Paw Twirler was greeted With
glad Acclaim by the whole School,
Small boys followed him and talked
about him in Whispers. He had his
Picture in the Monthly, and the Coll
lege Girls made Sofa Pillows for him,
tarine. AS a Public Character and
Popular Idol he made Theodore and
Sue and the rest Of his People look
Small and Cheap. On the Night after
he Won the intercollegiate Champion
ship for the Team by retiring ali the
Vaunted Ratsmen of the Rival Institu-
ton, the whole Mob Of Students came
around to the Tilbury Place and tore
down the Fence and ran over the
F!ower-Beds and whooped and yowled
and wanted to know what was the
Matter with Jimmy. The Band played
"A Hot Time" and Jimmy had to
make Speech and they gave him
nine Rains and there We're high Doings
until far into the Night. The other
Tilburys We're hiding around In differ
ent parts of the House, feeling sort OF
Dazed.
Jimmy's Fame was spread abroad by
the Associated Press and presently
League Manager came along and
Signed the Celebrity at Figure repre-
senting about four times what Theodore
got for being Professor, and at least
twice as much as Father could pull
out In Year, even when Things We're
coming his Way. Jimmy went out on
the Circuit and began to get his Name
sprinked all through the Base Ball
Column. The only way Theodore could
have got his Name in the Papers would
have been by going out into the Street
and letting something run over him.
Jimmy mailed all the Sporting Papers
home to Sue. so that she could study
the Scores and see that he was a Credit
TO the Family.
Thus the obscure name of Tilbury
was lifted to Renown. Mr. Tilb,iry
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
PRACTICAL DAIRY NOTES.

Make butter to suit the tastes OF
your customers.
Milk of different temperatures
should never he mixed.
Milk giving is a maternal function
and Il mother should never be abused.
The globules that rise to the surface
in the first 12 hours make the finest
butter.
Butter should be exposed as little
as possible to air from the time it is
churned until it is packed.
Care should be taken never to over
work butter as the grain and texture
should be preserved World.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
FOR WEAVING CALVES.
Maryland Dnirymnn Describe. a
Simple Continuance Used by Him
for Several Seasons.

took calf from its mother at six
weeks old. i fed it for six weeks, and
then tethcrcd it in my dooryard for
month or more. Then put it with
the cows in the pasture and it went to
its mother and began sucking as il it
had never been separated from her an
hour. tried all the calf weaners 1
had ever heard of, and my young heif-
CIR got the best of all of them. Tomakc
long story short, made a calf wean-
er myself, as follows:
Take a strap one inch wide and let
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
Cooling Butter In n sprtnr.

The following suggestions may be
helpful if they are ever needed: II
there is a convenient spring or we'll,
butter may be kept cool and palatable
by being hung in the water. Put 1T
first in jar or bowl and stand this
in tightly covered pail. 1.-THE spring
is deep one lay a strong limb or stick
across the top, and with stout cord
fasten the bail of the pail to this. Milk
can be treated the same, and water.
melon never tastes SO well as when
cooled in the water.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09

who seldom smiled. The members of
this Coter!e used TO write Stuff that
was too awfully Hot for an ordinary
Publisher of Commercial Instinct so
they kept it under Cover and read 1t
to one Another. They We're given to
assembling in a Front Room stocked
With Hn!r-Cloth Furniture and a few
Dining Room Chairs brought i'm for the
time being. and they would lead out
Rip them up the Back and Ham String
them and sing the grand Evisceration
and go Home reehing with Gore.
Mrs 'Tilbury had been a Jubbleson
before she flew to the Arms Of the Ice
Machine. In an Accidental Way she
once learned that certain Ike Jub-
bleson had been a Teamster or some
thing during the Revolutionary War.
That set her to Going. She began to
wear red, white and blue Banners and
join Patriotic Clubs. She got all messed
up In the Politics Of the Step Daugh-
ters OF the Revolution, and would come
homo after Scrap with the Lady
President and have to go at the SMELL
ing Salts and hit the Ceylon Tea about
seven times before she could cool down
sufficiently to tell how she had been
Insulted. If Ike Jubbleson had known
OF all the Trouble he was breeding for
his Female Posterity, probably he
wouldn't have done any Hauling for
the Soldiers.
The eldest Child of the Tilburys was
Theodore With the Pompadour. He had
gone on and on until he was Principal
OF a Grammar School. When he talked
he pronounced each Syllable very dis
tinctly. He was n hefty Proposish
when he was In Bevy of School
NUNS, but he Broke and went into the
Air when he tried to Gait himself with
lot Of Rude Men. Theodore had plcn-
ty of Dignity for the Pay he was get
ting.
Also there was Daughter named
Sue. who was not annoyed by having
Men come around to ask for her, so
this gave heI bushels of Time for Anti
Cigarette Work and Dress Reform. She
was one of the Bold Spirits that lit
out and got so far in Advance of the
Times that no one made an effort to
overtake her. She was down on Tight
Lacing and used to say that no one
could get a Corset on her, and nobody
ever tried Sue was tho kind of Girl
that looked just as we'll without one as
with 1t. She had been known to write
these teeny little Verses about the
Wildwood and the Heather, although
they didn't have anything of the kind
within ten miles of their House. Sue
vas so Emancipated that she used
bulls-eve Spectacles and Mans
Shoes, and she took Long Steps when
she went out to crush the Cigarette
EVIL. The Worm of Man who saw
Susie bearing down on him wearing a
kind of a Roosevelt Look, usually got
off the sidewalk and tried to hide be-
hing a Tree Box.
1t will be understood that when Papa
Tilbury and the former Jubbleson and
Theodore and Sue got together and be-
gan to gather a Head of Steam, they
created an Atmosphere of Culture that
you could cut With Knife.
Sad to relate there was a Youngest
Child named Jimmy, who carried all
the Oar Marks OF a Black Sheep. lie
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
Not the Least sit Anxious.

Chicago Tribune: Overjoyed Mother
Why. Kitty, darling! I've been look
ing for you all over this big store for
more than half an hour. How did we
become separated? Weren't you scared
nearly to death?
Kitty-Me? Scared? Why I've been
right here by this candy counter all the
zine. Poor mamma! Did 90 get lost?
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-05-09
Asked and Ap.wered.

Philadelphia Press: Pa" said little
Willie. who was struggling over his les
sons. what is an obtuse angle?"
IAN obtuse angle" replied the father,
is an Englishman to whom you try
o tell joke"