davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

Patient-Doctor, would you mind.
stopping at the drug store and paying.
for this prescription. Pm short of
change.
Doctor (hurriedly writing another
prescriptiom-Excuse me. made a
mistake. You. don't need any nerve
medicine.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

There's one characteristic in men I
profoundly admire"
what is it, Becky?''
'aThey can be so raging mad at each
other and not show it,
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

Quizz-Do you thing Friday an un-
lucky day to move?
Bizz-Not for me; moved on Friday
and found out if I'd waited until Sat
urday my goods would have been at
tached for rent-Ohio State Journal.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

Reuben-I suppose Sal Whif1etree is
all tn world tew yew, Josh?
Josh-Wal, no; but she's all l want
Nv it-forty dern good acres and
peach orchard!Puck.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

Defined.

Willie-Pa, what's an stold fame?
Pa-My son, when man speaks of
"his old fame" he refers to something
over which he used to burn his money.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

81 never tell all know" he said, in
tending to be mysterious.
"Well, she replied, sit certainly can't
be because you don't have time"
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
One to Be Avoid ID.

do you see that very ordinary-look-
inc man over there?"
-es; what of it 2"
Hes man with a history"
"A man with history! What has heS
ever done?"
Nothing at all. He's selling the his
tory by subscription.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

Dashleigh-Did Miss Avoirdupois
make an impression on you at the re-
ception last night? :
Flashleign-No, l am happy to say it
was my hat.-Ohio State journal.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

Brown-That was lovely basket of
fruit you were carrying home last
night, Jones. How much did it cost
you?
Jones-I don't know. The doctor is
still at the house.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
On the Beat.

Joakley-Well, well, the greed of
these policemen!
Coakley-What's the matter now?
Joakley-Why, haven't you heard
about this new Copper Trust aPhila-
sdelphia Press
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

She-He's in the push, all right.
He-How did he get there?
She-Oh, he had a pull.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
A Man of Peace.

Biggs-There goes a man who will
fight at the drop of hat.
Diggs-Who is he?
Biggs-Justice of the peace.-Ohio
State Journal.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

If a woman's confidence in her hus.
band makes you laugh, be kind enough
to both of them not to let her see it.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

tie hand that held them. he bent and
kissed his wife tenderly.
"Our baby's shoew said he with a
le.-PhiladeIphia Item.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
WHOLE COUNTRY SPECULATION MAD.
MAMA EXTENDS FROM CO4ST TO COAST

The mad Never before
From
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
Profitable Poetry.

Bobbs-There goes a fellow who got
81 600 for spring poem.
Dobbs-Lucky fellow!
Bobbs-Yes, it was a poem to adyer-
tise car rspring.-Baltimor American.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

Let US then be up and working
With our hoe and with our spade,
If we ever do expect to
Have our kitchen garden made.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
American Fruit-Growine.

American Fruit-Growing.
The United States leads all other ma.
tions in the matter of fruit growing.
Strawberries were valued at $50. 900.
900 last year, and grapes at $1O0, ,O00.-
600.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

Breyity is the soul Of wit-but i
doesn't slways enbody the truth.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

The amateur violinist is continuall.
bowling and scraping
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24


to have been swept along on the great
wave of desire to gain fortune by the
rising or falling of stock and grain.
Not alone is the epidemic an affair of
the Stock Exchange of New York. Not
a village exists along the great rail
roads of the West which has not men
among its residents who take
a turn" at. the market in the cities
near to them. In every hamlet. no
matter how unpretentious as to popula-
ton, the market prices of corn and
grain are closely watched and over the
wires comes ticking along the request
to buy or sell, according to what Is
considered the more fortunate side to
be on.
Never in the history of the land has
the speculative fever been so madly
general. It seems to matter little to
the men from one end of the country
to the other whether they take a
p1unoe In wheat M. corn STOCK or bond
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
CompulsOry.

First Boarder-Do you believe in the
salt cure?
Second Boarder-No, but since ouf :
landlady gives us mackerel every morn
ing what's the use to object-Ohio
State Journal
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

"The late editors wife is something
of humorist."
Indeed ?'
Eyes; took line from his original
salutatcry and placed it on his tomb
stone"
what was it 2"
:. we are here to stayvn
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

1d ost "a , % lpennu h mes ih y in h eW@tE
fairgrounds san gscu1 1raJ tr N ld dbyndae heshep
h
hire he al he part from
al elan Rs the a AM is on o. h most liking feature
Nxt tohe 18th
nnn gt HI 0A T SE E pdb b American manuac
he mach
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

The more holes there are in sponge
the more water 1t will hold.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

All things are for the best-and every
mothers son Of Us thinks he's it.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
Left.

Wylkins-Did you ever run for office? !?
Watkyns-Yes.
Wylkins-What luck?
Watkyns-The Office ran about twice
Is fast as did.-Somerville Journal.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
HUMOR OF TIE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.

Odd, curiou. and Laughab1e Phase.
of Human Nature Graphically Por-
trayed by Eminent Word Artists of
Our Own Day-A Budget of FUN.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24
True Love,

Briggs-Do you think he really loves
her?
Griggs-Of course. How can he help
but love girl with as much money as
that?
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

"Aguinaldo says he will not attend
the Buffalo exposition"
"WhY not 2,
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24


of time Here combinations thousands and
government necessary warning.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

Because he is not Buffalo o"--ohio
State Journal.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-05-24

NE UdUy SHOE.
Thrusting his hand into his coat
pocket, Ned drew out its mate. and
crushing them both together in the lit
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
Blessed Be Hot Water.

Hot water tipplers are convinced that
they have found a cure-all for the aver
age ills. When tired drink it as a tonic.
When hot and thirsty, dring it as a
cooler for it never disappoints, and dear
me how cheap it is and how good when
one has formed the habit.
Headache almost always yield to the
simultaneous application of hot water to
the feet and back of the neck.
A towel folded, dipped in hot water,
quickly wrung out, and applied quickly
over the seat of pain will in most cases
promptly relieve toothache and neural
gia.
A strip of flannel or towel folded sew
sral times lengthwise and dipped in hot
water, then slightly wrung out and ap-
Piled about the neck of child suffering
with an acute attack of Group, will usu-
ally relieve the sufferer in the course of
ten minutes if the flannel is kept hot.
Hot water, if taken freely half hour
before bedtime, is one of the best pos
sible cathartics in severe cases of consti-
patton, while it has a soothing effect
upon the stomach and bowels.
There is no domestic remedy that so
promptly cuts short congestion of the
lungs, sore throat or rheumatism as will
not water when applied promptly and
horoughly.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
TIN I.ittla Elm Tree.

"Pessimists may talk all they
please" said an elderly widow in
little coterie Of women who were dis
cussing human nature in general, but
there is vast deal of genuine kind
ness all along the way through life.
1--WE have recently planted a little
elm tree bordering our sidewalk to re-
place fine maple that was killed by
the electric wires, and l noticed not
long ago that the tree needed trimming.
AS a woman cannot very well trim
trees along the public highway 1
waited until could get a man to do
it. In a day or two the elm tree
looked better; and so 1 decided that
l must have imagined that it needed
trimming. The next day 1t looked
still more symmetrical, and l began
to wonder what had happened to it.
"The problem was solved by an eld-
erly German neighbor, who lived two
blocks up the street, stopping me at
our gate one day:
"'Mrs. Brown he said in his quaint
broken English, 4 trimmt dose tree
"'What tree, Mr.. SchmittY l Won
deringly inquired
"'Dose leetle elm tree he answered,
pointing to 1t; lit was need some trim.
mings. L knowed you amt got man
bout de place, so l trmmt it wen
1 goes down town; and l trlmmt it
some more wen goes up town. Now
it grows all right, amt it?'
Surely it is not hopelessly un-
friendly world of which such kind
deeds may be chronicled Detroit
Free Press.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
Length of "A Dream.

How long does dream last? To the
dreamer they sometimes seem to endure
for hours, and the general impression is
that they continue for minutes at least,
while the fact is that the longest dream
appears to be confined within a solitary
second, even though the events of it may
impress the dreamer for days.
Three physicians were discussing the
matter i'll Bellevue Hospital New York;
a day or two ago, when one of them re-
lated strange experience
Yesterday afternoon" he said, i
called to see a patient and much to my
satisfaction found him sleeping sound
ly. l sat by his bed, felt of his pulse
without disturbing him and waited for
him to awaken After a few minutes a
Junk dealers cart with discordant ring
ing bells turned into the street, and as
their first tones reached us my patient
opened his eyes.
=" Doctor he said, I'm glad to see
you, and awfully glad that you woke me,
for l have been tortured by most dis
tressing dream, that must have lasted
for several hours. | dreamed that | was
sick, as l am, and that my boy came into
the room with string of most horribly
sounding sleigh bells and rang them in
my ears, while l hadn't power to move
or speak to him. l suffered tortures for
what appeared to be an interminable
time. am so glad you awoke me-
"The ringing of those bells for one
second had caused all of that dream, and
just at the waking moment. New York
Herald.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
1Io u,d Arotber Bro,ber.

Judge Grouse, Indian agent at White
River. Arizona, in letter recently to L.
J. Rice, related a story told him at the
fort. Some time ago an officer stationed
there accidentally shot and killed a
friendly Apache. The officer regretted
the occurrence as deeply as if the victim
had been a white man. A human being
was a human being to him, whatever his
color. Besides, he feared that the In
dians might not regard the shooting as
an accident and serious trouble might
ensue.
The Indian had a brother, who came
around the fort threatening an outbreak.
He refused to accept the accident theory,
and intimated the United States had put
its foot in it through the action of its
military representative, and had Cancelled
all the friendly relations which had ex-
listed between the republic and the
Apaches He hinted at the war path and
the desolated homes of white men.
The officer proceeded in the right way
to restore cordale entente. OF course
brother could not be called back out of
the arms of death, but there were other
things in this world which would take
the wire edge off grief; for instance,
ponies and guns. The bereft brother be-
came interested, and a settlement was
soon reached which had for its basis a
horse and saddle, rifle, and lot of
blankets. The Indian returned later to
receive the property. 1t was turned over
to him according to the terms of peace
treaty. The officer threw in besides a
great lot of things the mourning rela-
tive had not asked for. The Indian pack
ed the unexpected gifts and the blank,
cts on the horse, and, mounting, turned
to the officer and said: "Me got another
brother;" which the officer understood
to mean not mere casual information
about the extent of the family, but that
the price of brothers would not be raised
in the case of another accidental and IA
tai shot.-Arizona Republican.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
Gardeners wanted in Alaska.

The chances for young men to en-.
gage in trade in Alaska are still
abundant. The dairyman at Juneau
is getting rich. The gardener made
$4,000 this season from a little two.
acre patch of ground, despite the fact
that there are great many vegeta-
bles that will not thrive in this local
ity. Tomatoes will not mature. The
vines thrive well, but will not pro-
duce fruit. Cabbages grow until they
become immense in size, but the heads
will not get hard. Potatoes grow out
Of the ground and are not palatable.
Corn, SQUASH beans and cucumbers
will not grow on account Of the exces-
slve moisture and cool nights. Nearly
everything else in the way Of veSeta'
bles can be produced in large guam
titles. Washington Star. "
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

"Thars mighty lot er thar rights
& D 6p oo yhS' SS the Begin ter shout
But fG1 Ho sF Se @ be % % SeR % ms a% sTe very few
An the farmers through the country ant got much eff ter dew
Beet CROWNS right fer sum guess~but
The gifts dollars fer g ton %.Ss Sss'
handsom price, must alowIout % hdn sum sS ueeei"'
Thet "gTanyaed costs em % sGmh3 & Ike ew cents pound
Andf kin be sold fer three why should pay e% FlVhi
Buff har's any beneatswaaL-whaT in
When Uncle Sans in want cash we're glad ter help out
n we stand all the taxes th are are needed 3 never @ doubt %
Them leieEs e. +; 1 protect PDs9 .o,
The sugar maker~hes all right;-bu-whar n7
Take To OF aT ne @ fer tn P sse T BY quickly % fall
poor Government placed in thar reach
On millions Of citizens free low beseech
The dealer u be sEPendUTs nd @ 5 a but SLIM
An an the & farmer @ II be as We'll Pad s Ta Sy yet @ mes m cum in
N9w @ a rs % he. so ass 9s @ Sy
duty 0 sugars Fifty million year
FRY En the @op Rf0P s% S9 ter s Tef beet
Xn M o ioqf Few Wy Bsar sa M n Doa Pt
Thus ter help an fill thar Golfers Whar dew you an cum
The CROWN bes hes got contract price ice fer
But mebbe like mysclf-hcs growing fruit nice
Ter Ter preserve a prof PrqaCns e needs & sqgaT@s @ rrc PTs @
The mighty difference neghbor, both ter an you
lie sugar manyfacterer profits he kin
Ter him may seem right enuT-but whar dew
agoin' ter swaer all the arguments they shout
The the proteconan must bar sugar out
is plainly shOwn that the people in the land
its freedom will demand.
a tax 40 longer needed-haeul the public
Taxing millions of people to enrich favored few.
They blind any with the foolish they pn
While they're busy making money-whar dew you an come in
agoin keep husin akin peadin' with frends
Amt lettn others gain thar selfish pryet ends
agon Ter write my Congressman md say
oughe his kill that without delay
Feerarmers do umost-whether bees not
Cheaper helps pocket greater blessings win
we've theecent ganyaedthats whar an cum in "
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
Worth Knowing About.

No need Of cutting off a woman's breast or
a mans cheek or nose in a vain attempt to
cure cancer No need to apply burning plas-
ters to the flesh and torturing those already
weak from suffering. Botanic Blood Balm
(B. B. b. gives a safe, speedy and certain
cure. The most horrible forms OF cancer Of
the face, breast, womb, mouth, stomach, large
tumors, ugly cancers, eating, fostering sores,
persistent pimples blood poison ,catarrh, rheu-
matism, terrible itching, scabby skin diseases
ETC., are all successfully treated and cured by
Botanic Blood Balm (B b. b.. Druggists,
81. Sample of medicine sent free, also many
testimonials, by describing your trouble and
writing Blood Balm Co., 70 Mitchell Street
Atlanta, Ga.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
Best For the Towels.

No matter what ais you, headache TO a
cancer, you will never get well until your
bowels are put right. CAsoARErs help nature,
cure you without grippe or pain, produce
easy natural movements, cost YOU Just ~
cents to start getting your health back. CAS-
oARETs Candy Cathartic, the genuine, put up
in metal boxes, every tablet has q. u u
stamped on it. Beware OF limitations.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

A novel conG3tion in railroad engi-
neering was presented recently by the
sinking Of the roadbed on the MOnon
Railway, in Lake County, Ill. About
500 feet of bed settled, and in a little
over two months the depression had
reached an estimated depth of 100
feet. For months the company has
been filling the hole, over 1900 car
loads of rubble and timber having
been dumped in it. The bottom seems
to have been reached. Exhaustion Of
natural gas is said to have caused the
phenomenon,
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

The "heart wood" of a tree has ceased
to take any part in the vegetative econ
omy of the tree Its use is to strengthen
tba trunk
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

The first fire engine used in the United
States was brought from England to
New York City in 1881.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

Mrs. WinSloW's Soothing Syrup for children
leething, soften the gums, reduces inaamma-
tion, ,allays pain, cures wind collie. $50 a DOttI3
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

PUTNAM FADELEss DYES do not spot, streak
or give your goods an unevenly dyed appear
nnoe Sold BY all druggists.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

The largest needle factory in the world
is at Redditch, Worcestshire, England
Over 70,Q00.000 needles are made weekly.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

I do not believe Piso's Cure for Consump-
ton has an equal for coughs and colds.--JoHN
f. Boyer, Trinity Springs, Ind, Feb. Is, 1900.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

FITSpermanensly cured. No FITS ornervous-
ness after first days use Of DR.. Kline's Great
Nerve Restorer. s2trial bo tile and treatir free
Dr.R.H. KLINE, Ltd, 931 Arch st., Ida. Pa.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
How,a Thia?

We offer One Hundred Dollars Reward for
any case Of Catarrh that cannot be cured by
Halls Catarrh Cure.
F. J. CHENEY & Co., Toledo, o.
We, the undersigned, have known F, j.
Cheney for the last Is years, and believe him
perfectly honorable in all business transac-
tions and financially able to carry out any
obligation made by their firm.
WEST & TRUAx Wholesale Druggists, Toledo,
Ohio.
WALD1Na, K1SNAN Il MARVIN, Wholesale
Druggists, Toledo, Ohio.
Halls Catarrh Cure is taken internally, act
ing directly upon the blood and mucous sur
faces of the system. Testimonials sent free.
Price, 75c. per bottle. Sold by all Druggists.
Halls Family Pills are the best.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

Some people regard their friends simply
as something to blame things on.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

The fact that one good turn deserves an
other is what keeps things going
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
had Men

You can't always tell polished man
BY his shoes.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

The sign painter, at least, can always
make a name for himself
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

philadelphia politicians, then, are
very corrupt?
"Oh, yes Tammany Hall could go
over there and run a reform movement" j."
From Puck.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

When an Arabian horse finds itself
wounded and perceives that it will
not be able to bear its rider much long
er, it quickly retires from the conflict,
carrying its master to place of safe
ty while it has still sufficient strength.
But if the rider is wounded and falls
to the ground, the faithful animal re-
mains beside him, unmindful of dan
ger, neighing until assistance is
brought.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

Steam motor sprinklers are now in
use on the streets of Paris.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
"WHAR dew | cum IN?"

being the sOoquy of Free Raw Sugar Question:
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

Many watches beat five times each
.econd 800 each minute, 1900 every
hour, 432, 900 per day. A few turns of
the key once a day stores up power
in the spring which is thus divided
into nearly 100000 beats. Multiply the
daily beats by 365A, the number or
days in a year. and we find that the
watch ticks 57,7SS,O0O times while
the earth is making one journey round
the sun.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

The longest State is California, TO
miles; the widest, Texas, 760. The next
in breadth is Montana, $50.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

Attached to the door at the parish
church of Scale, near Farnham, Eng
land, is the following notice. "Be in
time. Come straight into church.
Kneel down. Do not look around
every time the door opens. Stand up
directly the hymns are given out. Do
not whisper to your neighbor. Keep
your thoughts fixed"
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30
5000 TO $500 A YEAR

We want intelligent Men and Women a
Travelling Representatives CT local ManaE0fh
salary 5000 to 1880 a year and all exPenef
according to experience aud ability. We ah4
want local representatives salavy 50 to e1y q
week and conf mission, depending upon the tt1e
devoted. Send stamp for full psrticulaTs go
nate position preferred. Address, Dept. n
THE BELL. COMPANY. Philadelphia, -
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

A st. Louis man died Of appendicitis,
and an autopsy showed that all of his
organs which normally should have
been on his right side were on his left
side, and vice versa 1t was the unu-
sual location of the appendix that mis-
led the physician and made the case
fatal.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

The Koreans have great reverence
for bald heads, believing they are to-
kens Of wisdom, and that as the hair
decreases the vigor Of the understand
ing increases. Their superstltions are
picturesque. When a new moon is eX-
pected they go out with torchlight pro-
cessions to propltiate her and bring
Lick.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

A new restaurant opened in New
York City the other day displayed the
announcement: "All you can eat for
ten cents" An immense stock Of edi-
bles was on hand, but at 2 p. m. the
doors had to be closed. There wasn't
Il crumb left on the premises. Here
after the prices are to be regular.
The suburban citizen., 1901-11-30

In Haroldswick, in the Shetlands, a
whalebone viking drinking horn in
good condition was found recently in
a grave that contained human bones
together with those of horses and
dogs. The grave is probably that of
a sea king buried with his horse and
dog in the time of Harold Harfagr, a
thousand years ago.