The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1901-01-04

ment, and incidentally discern lconsld-
cradle of pull for the chairman of the
committee. And 1t might be interject-
ed here that 1t would be good plan to
begin to be good to the chairman right
at the start-off of the century. AS we
will probably be obliged to pass on n
good many of you, the wisdom of an
extended effort to influence the good
opinion of the chair will suggest itself.
The discoveries that are to be perfected
and the new ones that are to be pro-
mulgated, will make 1t possible to al
most entirely eliminate Holsters from
the body polite, leaving remain those
who have sufficiently Influenced the
committee, through its chairman. And
we have given due notice concerning the
Craftsmanship so as to forestall Mr..
Hanna, who would doubtless want 1t for
William If we had not thus bespoken
1t. After placing the ban on all
be necessary to particularize, as some
of them are sufficiently veneered to
escape detection at q cursory glance.
Fellows who wore patent leather shoes
and ogled the girls on the streets while
their wives were at home taking in
washing, would be denied the elixir.
Then the fellow who solicitously in
quires whether the degree of heat in
summer or cold in winter is enough
for you," would find that the map had
decided at future date, to proceed
doesn't like your necktie, or makes
sighting remarks about your style of
headgear, necessitating the purchase
of another hat, will find it necessary to
salve the committee to a considerable
degree, before the elixir will be admin
istered. The twentieth century plan
will give control of men in high places,
who will feel like being very good, lest
they be consigned to the ward set off for
mortals. BY denying the specific en-
tirely to residents of Canada, an i'm
mense effect will be had on bank fail
ures. And the fellow who is guilty of the
enormity of technical violation" will
find the bottle on a shelf entirely beyond
his reach. Fellows who do not buy their
own tobacco will have difficulty in
squaring themselves with the COM
mittee and proprietors of slot machines
that do not fix the things so they will
pay Deweys every time the wheel is
turned. will be placed in the category of
dead ones. Bachelors and maiden ladies
enemies of the census, will not be per-
mitted to even approach the committee
with a suggestion that their presence on
earth be prolonged. The difference be-
tween what broom factory is worth
and what it cost, will not be considered
a sufficient tithe If offered to the COM
mittee to grant immunity to the per-
petrators. Such fellows will advance
with higher sign. The woman who
talks baby-ta talk to her children may as
well order her shroud. The too numer-
Gus to mention" list is larger than usual,
but is here included, so that no one not
eligible to life in the twentieth century
will escape. 1t will doubtless be found
the earth has been considerably depleted
after about so years have rolled by,
but the compressed breath of life,
which is to be used to raise the dead, can
be brought forth, and selections can be
made from those who have passed away,
to fill the gaps. We will have the ad-
vantage of history in this latter act, as
guide but admonition is hereby given
that newspaper notices, printed at or
about the time of the departure of the
deceased, will not be taken as evidence
that he ought to be raised. We have no
hesitancy in saying that great many
who got good notices in the papers will
be left dead. BY adopting the process
set forth in the foregoing, the earth will
be a desirable habitation by 1850. And
opportunities for political preferment
will be greatly enhanced. There will be
no United States senators left and but
one or two congressman. The state leg
islature will be a clean sheet of vacan-
cies, and there will be depletions in the
ranks of town councils and school
boards, giving the elect fine opportu-
nifty.
There will doubtless be aome condi-
tions to meet that will necessitate q de-
parture from the general rule, but this
could be done by making immune from
dissolution only residents of Demo-
cratic wards, so long as the wards re-
manned Democratic. But that chasm
will be properly arched when we come
to 1t. Meanwhile, as the discoveries are
being worked out by science. to give the
committee it's potency in the premises,