Graham guardian., 1901-04-26
THE ANIMALS.
Lyn Doyle Turns Himself Loose Again.

ing III oV mi uppermost thots
thru yore most unakount abel pa
por on the subiick ov Nachural
Histry. | am chuckerblockfull ov
unnecessary informashun on this
interestin' topick and it has come
when / must either bile over or
bust. Now / confess that the form
er wood bee far more pleasurabel
than the latter, especially tn thoze
that air closely konneckted with
me, and tharefour for their spechul
accommodation, if for no other mo-
tive, l have chozen the first men
shuned means ov disseminating the
facks which hav gethered on mi
brane. / hav been aflickted with
infermashun on the brane for a
konsiderabel period of time, and
thru the advice af friend ] hav
adoptid this method of obtaining
releef.
! trust that U will lissen with
the utmost impashunce tn what |
am going tu sa and l promise q
that l will simmer down at mi ear
liest possibel konvenyunce. / shal
now git reddy to begin mi subjick
by making start commencin with
man; and after l hav anulized and
diseckted him will take up the
other animuls; at least as far as it
il safe to handle them. The bible
says "They shall take up serpents,"
but l don't reckon I'll waste much
time in handling this indigestible
crawlifant, as.I hav always enter
taned a malishus intenshun tuward
snakes ever! since / hearn about
that one forcin that apple down
our poor old mother Eve.
That wunu surkumstance has
made sich blotch on the fare
pages of nachurl histry that | don't
believe the time will ever kun
when | can take a member of the
snake family by the hand, look
him in the eye and say: . forgive
u" No sir! | wood suffer mi right
arm to be punched out ov mi head
and mi left eye to be severed at
tue elbow before / wood submit
to such an undignity.
Pardon me for this sudden out
bust of eloquent sarcasum, but
when a man ov mi capasity gifts az
far along az snakes there's no tel
lin what he way say, and it's
mighty hard for him to kontrol hiz
srspishuns
| will now sum up mi arguments
on this heading by stating that in
these days snakes air seen in
boots more frequently than in ap-
pletrees. r.
Man: 1t liz with no fear ov an
tagonizing the opinions ov mi fell
low beings that / assert that man
is by far tie most remarkable in
vention that ever happened. He
is different from the rest of the
broot creation in many ways. The
moral department ov the average
man IL compozed mainly of vico,
vanity, venom, violence, vinegar
and vituperation; while his mental
ability consists of conceit, corrup-
shun, curiosity, cowardice and con-
tenshun. Man is supposed tu stand
fourmost among the animuls ex-
cept when he IL under the inAeu-
ance ov intoxikants when it IL the
next thing tn impossible for him tu
stand anywhere.
Man is a dual being; but all men
air not duelists- He is also kon-
sidered cockovthewalk ecksc pit
when his feminine attachment il
prezent when it becomes his pain
ful duty to walk the chockline.
The woman portion ov mankind
air nachural musishans The mouth
organ is universally their favorite
instrument.
Next in logical sucksesshun tu
man kums the ass. Accorden tu
the bible Samson slew 1000 men
with a jawbone ov one ov these
animuls. History seems to repeat
itse'f for I'M these days thousands
are being assaulted with the same
weapon. Other domestick animuls
air cats and dogs. Dogs air tn
we'll known tn need any komment;
they air found chiefly in the shape
ov sapsages, Cats air placed in
the category of feline animuls.
Other anlmuls in the tee line air
doctors and lawyers,
Fish: The principal fish is the
whale; but the Prince ov Wales IL
not fish, The best fish air cot in
the summer but suckers will bite
in all sezons av the year.
Birds. Thare air many kinds ov
birds. The most pekuliar sort is
the Jail bird, They air generally
kept in kages. The krows in this
country don't krow. Mag.
pies are seldom used in the shape
of pastry. Angle worms belong
= the order oy kreeping things,
but Charley Angle is nor keepy.
A few hu drod years ago there
was Diet OF Wurmsj but they air
not generally used az an artikle ov
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