Evening star., 1901-05-25
JOYS Q. SUBURBAN LIFE

The man in the rear seat Of the open
car looked wan and hhggard.
NO" he replied, IN. answer to a ques-
ton. I'm not sick, but I'm tired-very
tired I've just beene talked at for two
hours by f4end bo recently took a
summer home Fl the dbuntry. It's the first
time, he ever hved Ill the country In his
life. That's why TM tired. If you are
wlse-which I'm not-you'u never permit
man who has spent a couple Of months
In the countryIor in the suburbs for the
first time in hiSlife te jam you up against
pillar and conversea at you.
He takes Hafor granted. you see, that
you yourself I've meyer walked on any
| thing but brick and concrete pavements
and that, so far as a knowledge Of away
from-the-city life is concerned, you don't
know the difference between a turnpike
ana tollgate. He Is perfectly convinced
from the beginning that you don't know
what chicken looks like except when you
see 1t swimming around in the gravy of a
potp1e, and he regards it as a matter of
course that the only kind of bird you've
ever seen outside of a circus or a picture
pook is the common or garden variety of
English sparrow.
He Insists upon telling you all about
tnese ana many. many other things that
have hit his vision in the progress Of his
first couple of months away from the city.
He wants to tell you about those radishes
that he planted himself, and that actually
seem to be growing right out of the
ground-and he expects you to be startled
over this. He shouts at you that you
ought to see his lawn. and the lawn mower
he has picked up at a phenomenal bar
gain for the purpose of beautifying this
lawn.
''He insists upon expatiating at great
length upon the superiority of his particu-
lar kind of garden hose to all other kinds
or garden hose. He's got a few hens out
In his back yard. and his amazement over
the fact that they actually do lay sure
enough really-and- truly eggs-egg-eggs-
and not bogus, would-be, imitation eggs is
written all over him, and he's got to talk
about 1t or bust. He has seen a man driv-
ing quite afock of honest-Injun cows past
his house, and he can't get over it-cows,
you know, that we get the milk from.
and going right past my house, with
the bells around their necks a-tinkling!
A ne1ghbor OF his is raising a litter Of pigs,
and my friend seems to think there's some
thing miraculous, supernatural, ABOUT that
bunch Of pigs-they grunt just like their
mother and father, only in higher key,
you know!
And there's peach tree and a. cherry
tree on his place, and he's going to be able
to pick peaches and cherries right in his
own yard-what dye think Of that If you
don exhibit signs of collapse over the
wonder of this he thinks you're jealous.
But he goes on to tell you that you don t
know what the meaning Of birds song is
that you just think you do, but you don't
Then he describes with great minuteness
all the different brands of birds that fly
around his place-specimens of the eggs of
each of which you robbed about thirty
years ago-and endeavors to whistle imita-
tions of their respective songs. He goes on
to tell you what four-ply idiot you are
for not Immediately forsahing the house
you've lived in in town viii your family
for the past twenty-five years and taking
house he knows of out in his neck O. the
woods, and then he begins all over again
recapitulating the advantages of suburban
life from his point of view. He's tried it
for two whole months, you see, and
oughtn't he to know all about it?
Hes not quite so wearing on the nerves
and the spirit as the wantonly cruel person
who nails you into corner and compels
you to listen to stories of all of the bright
sayings of his little ones, but he's whole
heap of bore. at that is the garrulous
man passing through his first experience
away from the city, and he needs to get
next to himself few lines"