The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-01-01


got on the outside Of too many new dT1n!.s
/ Introduced in the London clubs. and
ioSt one. of my grips on The strand. IN
Charing Cross some fellow held me up
and got my best watch. but had TINS
one. which keeps good time. on the
steamer lost about S!o,ot0 in a poker
game i; get that back and more be-
sides when / introduce into America the
new game I've just invented You see.
was doing business Up TO i O'CLOCK to-
night on Old principles. bit m now READY
to do business Upon entirely new and up
to-datc ideas. which SO into force To-
night.
in New York the customs officials de-
la-cd nc n little while. but had made
allowances FOR that. These regulations
will undergo sweeping reforms under my
regime. and people won't be worried any
more that way as soon as ses the ne"
system started.
GOOD TO RICHMOND.
But now let r1c tell you a few things
I'm g,ing TO do for Richmond, for We
cor 10 start for the West in few MN
mes. FIRST I'm going 10 relieve you
,ecples stoynatlls OF the pressure OF
James River mud wh.dl mas been ue-
T.ositai inside of you foc years II
Shame my predecessor didn't look after
this for you shall see TO It that you
get clear water 10 drink or tHose Couh-
cilrnen in Office have got to set down ahd
ont Then t:.e-e are gong TO be no f1o!e
street ear suuabb.es aboTt Broad and Nam
streets. and Mr.. Fisher and Dr. Mum
and all that. You know why! simply
because the electric car viii be BACK
number before | get through with things
-Air-sniDs aul flyiasFma chimes are the
only means of ra2id transit. ana m
eaiac 10 .!ave item made on principle
mat will put t-2ra Wit the financial
raach OF every DOES
..inother thing. Your s.rects are ali
s1in5 to be paved with a liquid substance
w1ich Is S1rin!:led over them from an
automatic Shrinking WAGON This LIQUID
ri. dry hard and smooth n hours: SO
thee sou are. Light will De furniShed oE
new process whigh / am working on.
ana the present eiec:riG light viii be
put aside 70 keep company with ne tai
low candies YGuT municipal conditions
vil. be entirely reformed. There VIII pe
more business ana less professionals poi!-
ts,s in your city government.
Remedies too. will be supplied to cure
in a day smallpox. typhoid fever, dellTlum
tlenons. and campaign oratory All
,3os;prandial speeches viii be abandoned,
an; tcasts viii be responded to by ma
dino whi2f makes humorous speeches
through hct-a.r system
sermons viii he delivered through indi-
..S,rls 'fshcnes of 4 new pattern with re-
E-'4N ttS dtt&Cntt ~ IJE-tl7 ~ ~ - -
thus enabling each church member to
sisep s3unily on Sunday morning until
tho text IS announced through the prone
K the sermon is long or uninterest.nE
nc sound can lie cut off with an auto
matte switd!.
SOCIAL, REFORM.
IAN important reformation will be made
n the social world. Instead OF man S
position in societr resting upon the repa
tation os his grandfather, as a descend
ant OF George tEe First, Oliver Cromwell.
Henry the Eighth, the greatest widower
known to history. or Pocahontas. anc
-uch people as that. lie criterion Will be
!: not vito ~as your Srandfataer's great
uncle taat introduced a bill III the House
of Burgesses?' but who the deuce are
your
In dress there will be decided
. Improvement. a man will be able TO
touch a spring and find his clothes on
Dim and mis- air-ship at his second story
window. &c war against trusts and
combinations of capital will all be settled
These questions will adjust themselves
10 natural conditions OF progress. and 20
the common interest of both capital and
ahar, and the spellbinder will have TO
get another job.
Marked strides will ba made in Your
telephone lines. Therell be none of that
ring-on business. and busy now. That is
all out OF date. The telephone will do its
own talking. You Will simply have to do
the thinking. The same will 'oe true o:
the typewriter. You can Just think and
talk if you like and the sound viii impress
itself on a certain preparation which
shall invent that will dry out in q few
minutes with two copies of YOUR manu-
script or letters. Your bathing facilities
will be all different. You will simply touch
a button and be bathed by machinery.
Shaving and champooing Will be something
on the same order. and I shall invent
certain kind OF material for shoes that
remains polished for y months, or as long
as the foot-gear lasts. Nearly all manu-
featuring will he done BIZ hot-air and con-
densed light. When ] arrive here on my
return TO the East 10 turn in my report
and surrender my throne 10 my successor
Richmond will he great metropolitan
city with a million Inhabitants and a
big commerce with the world.
SOUND ADVICE.
But it is getting late and must leave
you tor the West. have certainly en-
loved my little visit here, and shall not
forget dear old Richmond. All you've got
to do to push ahead Of everything from
Baltimore to New Orleans is to take adj
vantage OF the opportunities m going
to throw in your way. and hustle. This
is an inventive age You can't afford TO
sit down and let the grass grow under
our feet. You've got the natural condi-
tons here. Now. 80 to work and show
the world what you can do. It's in YOU
can see it from this one hours stay o.
mine Don't grumb,e and walk around
with a cemetery expression on your Tea
lures Get up and hustle. Advertise You
town. blow it everywhere You go, ana te'
outsiders. wherever You meet en- that
yon're the real thing, that you're hot