The Press., 1901-01-24
lie war office for an interview with the

gave him minute. line emperor mas
decided that he will not buy the vest"
81 knew that yesterday. Of course"
replied Birney. II am not here about
the vest, but altogether another thing
The fact is do not like Napoleon's
nose, and / want to improve 1t.
mon Dieu. man. but what do you
sayw exclaimed the minister as he
sprang to his feet.
81 say that the emperor's nose Is or
and that can improve 1T. l wanted to
tell him SO the other day. but he hus-
tied me out too quick. Can you bring
about another interview"
1.-THE emperor's nose? You say 1t Is
wrong? You say you can fix it? Man.
what mean you"
81 mean Just what say" calmly re-
piled Birney. ~ am not surgeon. but
several years ago l invented little at
tachment to cure a badly shaped nose.
1t has been tried in half dozen cases
and proved itself big success.
brought one along with me. not know
ing what | might run up against. and
Ii you will give the emperor hint
Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu!" gasped the
minister as he looked at the American
with wonder and terror in his eyes
''Then you have gone crazy! You are
out of your mind. You know not what
you say"
II am all right from head to heel, my
dear sir, and l can't understand your
agitation. What's the matter with my
scheme for improving Napoleon's
nose?"
The minister rang his bell with nerv-
Gus hand, and minute later Birney
was out on the sidewalk with flea in
his ear-that is, he was told to take
himself off or he would be locked up as
an insane person. 1t was rather a set
back for him, and it took him q day or
two to get over it, but he finally came
up smiling. If the minister would not
help him out. there were other officials
who would. He tried two or three OF
them, with the result that he was
eventually hailed before the chief Of
police That official probably sized him
up correctly, for he said to him:
You do not realize what you are
doing. Don't you understand that you
can be sent to prison for this? You do
not appear to have lost your mind, and
You are no fool. and the best thing you
can do is to get out of Paris at once"
But what Is the crimeY argued
Birney. "Ail have done Is to say
that l can improve on the emperors
nose. Can man be sent to prison in
France for that?"
HE can. sir, as wish to make you
understand You must not talk this
way. You|have made trouble for your
self, and you had best get away as
soon as possible. Should the emperor
himself hear Of your insulting words
you would be sent to some fortress for
i've or ten years."
"Shoo! You don't say! But you
Frenchmen are queer people! Well, I
don't want to leave Paris for few
days yet. but I'll keep still about Ma
poleon's nose. had no idea he was so
techy about it. Not another word from
me If that's the way things are"
The chief added another warning.
though he saw the humor of the thing
and smiled behind his mask. Birney
might stay on for few days. but he
must keep that nose attachment of his
in the background and his tongue be-
tween his teeth. He went out of the
police office meaning to do it. but
scarcely "a hours had passed away
when he accidentally met a French
doctor who could speak English fairly
well. Birney was naturally asked why
he had visited Paris, and of course he
told of the bullet proof vest. Having
got started. he couldn't stop there.
Say. do you know l could fix the
emperor's nose in less than a month ?"
he remarked in a burst Of confidence.
Eyes. sir. could improve that smell
er of his at least 80 per cent in three or
four weeks. and ! wouldn't charge a
cent either"
1.-THE emperor's nosew gasped the
doctor. But what ails the emperor's
nose?
"Out of plumb, SIR. and no excuse for
it. All I want is three weeks time.
Can't you get me an audience with
himY'
THE devil! Why, man, you are in
sulting the emperor! You ought to be
locked up!'
''Oh, come nowy' laughed Birney in a
protesting way. II never saw such
people before. Can't the emperor's
nose be out of plumb as well as any
other aan'sT"
The doctor left him without even a
cold bow and probably went to the
police, as Birney was arrested an hour
later. According to his story. he was
sent to prison without a trial and de-
tanned for full year. Then he was
taken out one day and conveyed to the
war Office and into the presence of Ma
poleon.
''Sir," said the emperor after glazing
mt him for awhile, lis my nose out of
plumbY
ut Is as plumb as a plumbet," was
the ready reply.
''Does 1t need any fixing overT''
mot fix"
"And how is it with yours?'
tits out of joint, your majesty, but l
think could follow it out Of France"
''Then you may try"
And try he did. and his nose led him
back to the land of the free without
any lingering on the road.