The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-10-08
ROUTING
AN AUNT.
She Had Settled Herself to Stay,
but Means Were Found to
Get Rid of Her.


| "SWeetheart," said my husband one
evening soon after our marriage as we
sat in the pleasant twilight chatting with
! his old college chum, at is always well
to be prepared for the worst. Forewarn-
ed You know the rest. And have an
uncomfortable sense of impending doom
which will completely overwhelm our
selves if we don't meet it with brace.
A nervous shock is always an unwelcome
visitor even in a doctors family 80
think it only fair to warn you. have an
aunt-sole survivor of her species, l hope.
Her most marked characteristic is an I'M
comfortable desire to regulate other peo-
pies affairs. She appears suddenly in
your midst, takes you in hand and until
some more favorable opportunity turns
up keeps on crushing you, your spirits
and your habits fear this devotion to
her family will lead her to take us in
hand. And if she does we're in for 1t,
for she is not likely to find better field
for action in some time, for l haven't an
unmarried relative left. So prepare for
the onslaught
"Why, we haven't invited her."
"Child, that is a trifle which she new
er considers. If she did she'd never
leave home. Anyhow. though the outlook
is bad, we're three to one, and perhaps
we may contrive to GUST her. If my own
powers of invention fail me, you'll step
in the breach, won't you, Fred?"
Fred Post, at that time our guest,
chimed in enthusiastically. Such mali
cious detraction, such fendish plots, l
trust it may never again be my lot to lis
ten to. l was dumfounded by the spite
these two fellows displayed, the more so
as / placed small credence in the exag-
gerated accounts my husband had given
me of Aunt Jem's peculiarities. l was
soon to be undeceived. Less than a week
after this conversation Jim appeared in
the library with a doleful countenance
and an open letter.
81 told you so, Annie. Aunt Jem is
coming, and I'm to meet her at the 4:30
train" he groaned.
Jim departed manfully to his unpleas-
ant task, and Fred and l spent the inter
val peering curiously between the half
closed blinds at the passersby. A rattle
over cobblestones and an impatient
"Whoar announced my husbands re-
| turn. The poor man sat swathed in
shawl straps, bags, mackintoshes and
umbrellas three trunks crowded the roof
of a rickety cab, and red faced driver
i was engaged in obeying the directions of
a shrill voice that dominated the scene.
| And at last from out of this confusion
appeared a tall, angular woman, sharp
nosed, thin Tipped, wrapped in hideous
| brown shawl. Prudence conquering de-
sire, came forth to greet my unwelcome
guest, convinced on the instant hat Jim's
| description had in nowise done her JUS
tice.
$50 this is your wife? l thought she'd
| be very different. You used to be so
fond of strapping blends, Jim. Do you
remember the one you rushed at Tx
more?" And she giggled unpleasantly,
revealing set of obviously false teeth
that reminded me of nothing so much as
a row of tombstones.
| My husband grew white with rage.
"Never mind, my dear" continued
Aunt Jem 81 think I'll soon feel quite at
home with you. I'll try to make myself
useful, so your husband can count upon
my most energetic support and assist
ance."
excuse me, aunt; that will be quite
unnecessary My friend, Mr.. Brent; my
aunt" said my husband.
/ Aunt Jem rested pair of disappearing
eyes upon the unhappy Fred.
Il suppose I'm to have room to my
self?"
Certainly, Aunt Jem. Martha will take
you up stairs at once" Aunt Jem's nose
wrinkled disdainfully as she peered into
the little room allotted her adjoining
Fred's
81 hope your friend won't stay long.
prefer his room to this one. In the mean
time just push the bed up against the
wall; pull out that table and take away
this chair. must have leather covered
rocker instead and some dark curtains
at the window, and
But at this juncture | fled to the kitch-
en- and sought to stife my forebodings
with the thought of the nice dinner l had
prepared. But scarcely had | given few
needed directions before Aunt Jem's nose
came shifting through the door,
"Fishl l know you don't prepare it to
suit me- And veal outlets! You must
put little onion in the batter. / always
like it that way. And what have we
here, rice? Never eat it. You'll have to
prepare some other vegetable for me-"
This continued during the following
week-dining room, kitchen, parlor, the
doctors reception room, even his pa
tents, fell beneath Aunt Jem's criticism.
| Then criticism passed to complaint, COM
plant to fault finding. Our timid hints
that her presence was unwelcome fell
upon unheeding ears. Aunt Jem had de-
termined to take us in charge, so IN
charge she did take u.s. and that with a
vengeance. My faithful maid of all work
rebelliously announced that the aunt or
she must leave the kitchen.
Il can't stand her, ma'am, at all. It's
bad enough when she mixes with the
cooking. but to tell me l look like fool
in my fnery, ohp'
And i<aty's wall rose to wild Irish
howl that brought my husband to the
rescue.
"This thing has got to STOP" Jim an
nounced that evening. "Home is become
a nightmare, and I'll be hanged if I'll
pay the bills for that old freaks amuse-
ment any longer"
Fright you are" chimed in Fred. "It's
enough to drive us all mad. Wen have
to adopt drastic measures, and vote we
begin this very evening"
The vote seconded and sustained, ac-
ton promptly followed. The two men
labored mysteriously up and down the
stairs, carrying great jars of chemicals,
until they succeeded in arousing volley
of curious questioning from Aunt Jem.
But neither vouchsafed her any informa-
ton, and soon afterward they bolted
themselves in Fred's room, leaving the
enemy with one eye glued to the keyhole.
Soon a cloud of smoke filtered through
the cracks and keyholes pungent with
odors that converted Aunt Jem's room
into veritable pesthouse. could hear
her rummaging noisily about; then cou-
Pile of doors slammed, followed by 81
lence which remained unbroken until
Jim appeared, with the triumphant an
nouncement that the experiment was
success. But no aunt appeared to ques-
ton this assertion. Fearing that the
fumes had overpowered her, stole up to
her room. Empty! There, snugly en-
sconced in my own bed, lay Aunt Jem.
my dear" she announced as l enter-
ed, Il couldn't stand that frightful smell,
so I'll sleep with you, and Jim can share
his friends room, Be sure you don't dis
turb me when you come up" And with
that she blew out the candle and settled.
herself comfortably to sleep.
Gloom settled upon the household after
the defeat Fred frankly admitted that