davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
Policeman Murphy ON Funston.


The day of miracles is not past" said
Policeman Murphy, pausing In his beat
on the corner of Holy Saint and SehIitz
Beer streets
And is 1t Funston yez mean?" asked
Policeman Finnegan
I do, for he's a great lad, Finnegan,
and the fame iv his glorious deed will
live long after the ice factory is conn
plated and Misther Aguinatdo's tomb
stone Is sold for old fr-ron.
But how did it happend %
ana GO yez not know? Well thin,
IL was like this. Y see, Fennegan. it was
reported to the authorities that Misther
Agglnaldo be furn.shin' the funds for
the war; be the runin' iv a drug store
IN Cab1bagrohack, which. Finnegan is
somewhere in the mountins. Whin Gen
macarthur hear-rd about this he wrings
ms hands in despair. What says he
snail do for to save me beloved
country? Aha gadzoolzs; [ have it.
says he, I will send for the brave lad
Funston, says he. So he shoots off his
pistol for to wax up the thirty Fill
plno lads who be sleeping on a bench be-
hind the iee-chist What, no! knaves!
says he 'Avaunt! and cult me sight, and
dollar raise in the salary " the first of
yez to bring me thither the brave lad
Funston And With tact Finnegan. the
lads run out in all dfs-re tions And they
found the in hrep d uns ON swimmin'
with his swoT-rt IN his teeth, to Hung
hong. huntin fer the throug6le thot
be ragtn' amorg the heather in thot
country and W. IN ne hear-rd the news,
he swims back to Manila.
Now this lad FuEs5on was well fitted
for the great task before him, hayin'
endured all the hardships in bein' born
| and Fra sed in the state iv Kansas He
whit to school tt the Southeastern Bap-
fist Academy and Teachers Insthitute in
Jefferson county, Finn gan. and he made
his way be canNassin, vacations among
the farmers for the Life. and Warks fy
Lydia Pfukham Be this means. he be-
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
THE ARMY cANrEEN

We do not believe if the rank and file
Ct the so-called Temperance people could
have foreseen the result of the abolition Of
the army canteen they would have urged
upon congress its abolition 1t is true
that many are absolutely uncompromis-
ING. They contend with some show of
logic that If the selling Of intoxicants is
sin, the government ought not to af-
drmatively countenance it. Filled with
this idea they fail to see the practical
side Of the question. This is not an I'M
usual fault with social reforrners. They
see but one side of the shield and refuse
to change their point of view so they can
see the other side. There. are those who
start out with the assumption that the
granting Of divorces is wrong. To this
they cling and will not allow the cor-
ditions TO govern a particular case. 1t %
so with all the other ills that society p
heir to. The reformer is always a m
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02


came skilled in GRAFT and strategy and
valor-rous in war.
when he comes to Macarthur he
gives the general the wink and say,
Lave 1t to me, Mae says he. Thin he
hires Filipino guide, buys a pr-rospee-
tyus and rows up wan Nv the creeks.
When he sees the drug store, which he
knowedf be the ten beer sign on the
gate post, he lands and walks in. What
the diVil do yes want? says Misther
Agginaldo, affably. I be the agent for
new and monumental work. says the
fearles Funston, which is entitled 'Shad-
ows in the Past say he Be subscribln'
$25 Mex yes'l be entitled to a full page
steel engr-ravin Nv yourself and wan
volume iv the works bound in iligan
mor-roos,' says he. Put me down for
tin Volumes says Misther Agginaldo.
will yeZ take a drop iv semthin' says
he.
And while he was lookin' at the pros
pectyus, the brave lad Funston trips
him up and sets on hint Surrender! saws
he, and he breaks all the quinine bottles
and throws the sodowater fountin into
the sthreet. Alas! me beloved country!
says Mfsther Aggtnaldo weepin'. And me
thrusty followers, what will become Iv
them" And thin, Finnegan, the lad Fun
ston, who has a kind hear-rt, was touch
ed, and he says, let thin take their
bolos and go home says he, they will
need thin for the spring plowin, says
he.
The next day. he walks into Cen
MacArthur's office, and he says, salutin':
General l have the honor to report the
capture iV Misther Agginaldo.' Give him
a square meal and have him vaccinated
at once says the general. And thus,
Finnegan, closed glorious page in our
counthrieas history
Funston is a great boy observed Po-
hceman Finnegan.
He is thatI replied Policeman Muir
ply, resuming his beat
j. E. s., in Manila Freedom
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
THE AMERICAN DUCHESS. y

From Geraldine Bonner's Paris Letter.
TO my mind Colombin's is the most at
tractfve and characteristic of ell the
Paris tea-rooms. Here, If one knew
them, may be seen many OF the repre-
sentative fashionable French women OF
the day, and from time to time English
women whose names are on many
tongues. I saw the Duchess of MARI
borough there the other afternoon. She
was in her royal mourning. all black. and
is an exceedingly tall and slender young
woman. with an incredibly long neck and
q small, delicate, pretty face. I was sur
prised, for never had heard she was
pretty.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

. toned by her mistress on the matter 'I
came away before twas over" she re-
piled. land they were hurrying It on,
cause they were singing two at a time
when 1 left. Tit Bits.
Revenge-Mr. Fijjit-I thought you said
our new neighbors would not let their
children play with our Tommie; I see
him with them now. Mrs. Fijjit-Ye5,
but their parents don't know it; Tommie
is just getting over the measles. and
want their children to catch 'em-the
stuCk-up things!'-Ohio State Journal
What She Would Have-''FOr instance,
Johnnie said the teacher to the bright
boy of the arithmetic class, Suppose
your father had a hundred dollars and
gave your mother fifty and then Dor
rowed ten from her-what would she
have?". Shed have sore hand" What
DO you mean?" He'd have to cut the
money loose from her hngers."-Balti-
more American.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
CUBAN PROPOSITION REJECTED.

The mistake of the Cuban convention
in accepting the Platt amendment with
slight changes, has been remedied by the
decision of the administration to reject
the acceptance on the plea that 1t is not
a substantial compliance with the spirit
of the Plat amendment. This relieves
the Cubans and places the question where
it was three months ago.
The administration by this action mas
unwittingly done both Cuba and this
country a lasting service, if this con-
tinued delay Will result in the absolute
rejection Of the Platt amendment. For
the benefit Of the United States and for
the salvation Of Cuba, one Of two things
must occur. There must be annexation
with all the privileges of a state or the
Plat amendment must be amended so as
to provide for free trade between the
island Of Cuba and, the United States.
The Glob has been of the opinion
that the Cubans should use their posi-
ton to force congress to couple with the
demand for suzerainty an offer of the
markets of the United States free to
Cuban products. The interests Of Cuba
and those Of the people of the United
States are interdependent This the
Cubans ought to know. This the people
of the United. States do know, but the
tobacco and the sugar interests are SO
powerful at washington that it will be
impossible to secure free trade with Cuba
unless that be made the one condition of
suzerainty or unless aproposition Of abso-
lutte annexation be made and accepted.
1t is severe comment to make, but 1t
is true, nevertheless, that the Cubans are
in as much danger now from the agrees
sions Of this Republican congress as they
ever We're from the aggressions Of Spain.
Between the rapacity of the band Of ex-
ploiters which dominates the present gov
ernmenta1 policy and Cuban interests,
stands like bulwarlz, the Teller resolu-
simple weapons Of justice, the Cubans,
if they be wise and reasonably discreet,
can secure the commercial concessions to
which they are Of right entitled as a
compensation for those attributes of SOW
ereignty which they are asked to re-
nounce in favor OF the United States.
The administration is absolutely right
in rejecting this modified, annotated and
expurgated edition of the Plat amend
ment What congress has laid down
must go without the dotting Of an app
or the crossing Of ct" Is not this the
law as laid down by Justice Brown? The
addition in the way of explanation that
this suzerainty is but an anpliication Of
the Monroe doctrine is particularly OBJ
jectionable to the administration in view
of its anti-Monroe policy. Such declar-
alton on an International agreement
might lead to further and very unpleas-
ant consequences. Just now the Monroe
doctrine is a delicate subject to refer to
in the presence of the Philippine diff
culties
Although both parties seem to be work.
ing in the dark, one for purely selfish ends
the other to attain the hollow distinction
of national independence, circumstances
may defeat both and shape the future
for the good of both. We are half in
elined to believe that there is a divinity
that shapes our ends, rough new them
as we may"
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
says MIR. aIeddernrnss

BaItlmore American.
Il see" said Mr.. Meddergrass. that
one Of them New York preachers allows
that mHister has a right to indulge
in few able-bOdied cuss words at times
don't know about that line Of business
but 1t always seemed to me that II
was preacher, and they give me one
or these donation parties, where they
tramp butter into the parlOr carpet and
spill molasses on the piano, I would be
apt to go down in the cellar and heap
profanity into the furnace until some
body turned in fire alarm"
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
The Family Skeleton.

Washington Star.
Where have you been?" asked the
Boston boys father.
up to the library"
Haven't I told you not to disturb
those books without my permisson?"
Yes. now perceive the reason of
your caution. You were afraid 1 would
discover that you devoted to Robinson
Crusoe' and The Arabian Nights, those
precious hours of youth which ought to
des."
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

Gov insolvency has returned to Sena-
tors TiIlman and McLaurin their resigna-
lions with the admonition that they had
better cool off and go i'll swimming. This
action of the governor may have the eff
feet to spoil one Of the finest exhibitions
of jawcrobati that was ever staged
With prize and bull fights in Republican
Nebraska it is pity that South Caro-
lima cannot have SO much as a tongue
fight.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
A. frovx.
Chica 20 Tribune

Chicago Tribune.
IT can't see what a man Of HIS size
wants to be crOwdiug women away from
the bargain counter forI'' snapped one OF
the crowded.
Madame" plaintively spoke the large
man, turning his head to address her. It
am here as the representative Of a fam
lily Of eleven daughters"
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
Not Needed.

Indianapolis News
He was obviously anxious, and she
seemed almost willing.
Il shall refer you to papa" said she,
with a becoming blush, before giving
you a final answer
But I am perfectly willing to take
you without any reference" said he,
magnanimousIy.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
Monsieur's Way.

Cleveland P1aindealer.
you will have to be careful, monsieur.
in accustonlng yourself 70 our climate
Do not change your hannels until YOU
are quite sure the weather Is entirely ia
vorable."
do not worry about me, sare.
neYaire change my hannelS"
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
She Didn't Mean That

Boston Globe.
Mistress Bridget, cannot allow you
to have your sweetheart in the kitchen
any more.
Bridget-Oh, mum, It's ver1 KIND of you,
but I'm afraid he's too baShful to come
up into the drawing room.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
President McKinle

President Mckinley was once an ultra
protectionist, but he says times have
changed and he has changed with them.
He was once of the opinion that our plain
duty was to give free trade to Porto
Rico. Did times change that he should
have almost Immediately gone back on
his official declaration?
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

Richmond Dispatch
Dumbleton-Frltter's chief fault is that
his temper occasionally gets the best of
him.
Flasher-very true, and that wouldnt
be so bad if it didn't reveal the worst of
him.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

Justice Brewer is sixty-five and his
bride is a Miss and sixty This Is pretty
late to start out on a honeymoon ex-
cursion, but from what we know of
Brewer any maiden might well Miss
most of her life to be able at last to hit
it so well as did Miss Mott.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

Blatherskite Loomis continues to get
his name in the papers. The latest is
that he will not go back to Venezuela.
1t would have been much to the credit
of the United. States If he had never been
to Venezuela.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

Among the royal personages at Berlin
are Queen Wilhelmina, her irnpecunious
husband, the swearin' prince, and Senator
Albert J. Beveridge. of Hoop Pole town
ship, Indiana.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

England is reported to be shocked at
the news Of another British disaster.
England will not stand many more such
Shocks the ministry is rot on any too
firm base now.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

Jules siegfried states that Mckinley
told him that it was public opinion which
directed governmental politics. Mr.. Nc
Kinley must have been joking. It is
Mark Hanna who directs our govern
mental policy. This is no joke.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

What is that, baby squalling
With the fits?
Or is it boy a-bawling.
AS. across her knee he's sprawling,
While his mother does the mauling
With her mits?
It is neither baby squalling,
Nor a wicked boy a-bawling-
Only Mrs, CattaWalling
To her kits.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
A Successful Case.

Ohio State Journal.
First lawyer just concluded a very
successful case.
Second Lawyer-Your client won, Ell?
First Lawyer-Oh, no, but I got my
fees
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
A ProIIno Romnnoer.

Cleveland Plaindealer.
'"Fhe papers say that Jules Verne has
commenced on his ninety-ninth Volurne.d
Say, he ought to be called the grand-
father Of lies"
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02

The experience of Miss Nett Will bring
back hope to many an ancient school
teacher.
The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-06-02
NUGGETS.
Pen and Ink Studio.

Fen H!aU INK Stud1O.
Chicago Reeopd-Herald.
Stubs poems are very artistic"
Eyes; he says he thinks it's because
he works with a north light
The leader., 1901-04-24
A TestimoniaI from Old England.

II consider Chamberlain's cough
Remedy the best in the world for
bronchitis" says Mr.. William Savory,
of Warrington, England. ut has
saved my wife's life, she having been
marytr to bronchitis for over six
years, being most of the time confined
to her bed. She is now quite well. :"
Sold by G. Il. Grafton Drug Co.
The leader., 1901-04-24
Miss Beatrice Mcmillan, the pleas

Miss Beatrice Mcmillan, the pleas
ant and popular court stenographer,
after weeks illness, was able to APP
pear at her desk today.-Ldke Charles
Daily Press.
We regret to hear of the illness of
our young townswoman, who is so sat
isfactorily filling her position at Lake
Charles, and trus. complete recovery
Is hers, ere this.
The leader., 1901-04-24

"Miss Summers -Polly-I-er-dar
l." But the speaker took header
over bashfulness, only to hear a sweet
ayes, Charley"
"Can Iaspire to -er--to-that--is"
Again lapse into silence, followed
by an encouraging
"Yes, Charley"
"Oh, if 1 might only hope to-er to
Another failure of language. 1t was
seemingly hopeless case, and might
have been, only for demure
"Charley, have said yes twice, and
if you mean it, mean it, too, and"
And to this day that young man will
insist that he popped the question.
All this happened away "down east
and it wasn't long before there was a
wedding. Not much longer before
there was letter from Polly's Uncle
Josh Hon. Joshua Turner, an old pio-
neer planter of Lincoln county,, rich,
generous and level headed, who wrote
effusively of his delight at her exhibi-
tion of what he called grit" and he
proposed that if the young people
would locate at Brookhaven he would
start them up in life, as wedding
gift, having fully explained that this
is the best spot in the world for young
married people to locate. OF course
they accepted, and were soon bidding
friends adieu.
The leader., 1901-04-24

Spring coughs are specially danger
Gus and unless cured at once, serious
results often follow. One Minute
Cough Cure acts like magic. 1t is not
a common mixture but it is a high
grade remedy. c. E. Grafton Drug Co.
The leader., 1901-04-24
THE LEADER.
Published Weetky.

SUBSCRIPTION PRICE.
VD' lPayable.in Advance.)
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1901-08-23

He found the woman unable to talk
and administered all the known reme-
dies for alcoholic poison without effect.
She never spoke again. Until the last
possible moment Mr.. Morris watched
by the bedside, and then he called a
carriage and rushed to the playhouse
to carry out his part.
The woman died almost at the in
slant that Morris, in the character
Rake was given the keynote of his
part. A telephone message was at once
sent to the theater; but Mr.. Morris,
although he knew that his wife was
dying, was not notified until after he
had done his turn in the first act that
she had passed away. His part did
not call for his appearance in the re-
mainder of the play, and he went to
the undertaker's room, where the body
had been removed. The coroner was
notified and the body will be prepared
for shipment to California.
The couple had been married thirteen
years, and for a time resided in Chi
cago together, living at 2l7 Twenty
third street.
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1901-08-23
EDITOR sTOREY's NOTION.
Theory on Which He RENTED n
Fine and Raised a Salary.

Fine and Raised a salary.
From the New York Sun.
81 was slashing copy on old Storey's
Chicago Times many years ago." said
one of the guests at a reunion dinner.
1--WE had a correspondent in an Illinois
town who simply would not schedule
his matter, but as he generally sent
good stuff we let him run on, slashing
his stuff to suit the exigencies of the
night Besides, his stuff always sug-
gested good headlines, and that was
one of Storey's hobbies.
tOn one occasion the correspondent
sent up about 700 words which went
into 100, with nothing over. On the 100
words / constructed a headline which
was right up to the mark. The next
day / was. instructed to tell the man
who made out the checks for the coun-
try correspondents to knock S. off the
correspondents pay.
when he received his check he wrote
to Mr. Storey saying that under ordiu-
airy circumstances he wouldn't kick
about the deduction, but in this par
ticuIar instance he did because the fool
headline over the item, made by fool
telegraph editor, had Infatuated the
man whose name was mentioned in
the dispatch and brought on fight be-
tween him and the correspondent the
result of which was that the CORE
spondent was fined IS in the Police
Court.
"Mr. Storey was a very just man
when you got him the right way. He
instructed the cashier to send the COR
respondent the amount of the fine and
raised my salary because the headline
I wrote had caused a row. That was
his way of encouraging headline
writer - ss---.~s 'sf-+
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1901-08-23

the Mendham Hotel as Mr.. and Mrs.
Arthur Smith. They were just receiv-
ing the congratulations of a few far
mers who were sitting around the hotel
when a horse covered with foam dashed
up. The men leaped from the car
riage and went into the hotel. They
were the fathers of the couple Edward
II. Smith and Richard Peterson and
they were in a towering rage.
Young man, come here" roared Mr..
Smith.
Young woman. come herc!" shout.
ed Mr.. Peterson.
but, papa. we're married" faltered
the young pair, as they came trem-
blingly forward.
Married, eh?" Mr.. Smith glowered
on his son, and, taking him by the
ear, led him to the carriage. MAR
ried!" shouted Mr.. Peterson, as he led
his daughter to another conve Tance.
Its all your fault" said Mr.. Smith
10 Mr.. Peterson, savagely, as he start
ed for Morristown.
Il told you to watch EN-" returned
Mt. Peterson, as he followed down the
read.
The unhappy PARTY of four left for
New York on an evening tr..n
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1901-08-23
PLAYS AS HIS WIFE DIES.
S"huei Norris, a Comedian, Acts as
Woman Takes Poison.

Woman Takes Poison.
From the Chicago Tribune.
While Samuel Morris, leading come
ulan at Hopkins Theater, was COM
PEELED by the exigencies of his position
70 go on with his lines as Rake, Ber-
ueS Valet" in Under Two Falgs"
last night his wife lay dead at the
saratoga Hotel. She had drank pint
OF alcohol.
Although notified earlier in the aft
TlHoon that she was dying, there was
~ que 10 take the actors part, and
az FINISHED forced amusement for the
oe e'Gl5hte until the curtain fell, News
MS Wife's death was received just
ne finished a to him particularly
act: e' 'iiS Oiose u ny AZ
~ Lord, l have put my foot in it."
81 "9'le to control her appetite for
g AeIN liquid, Mrs. Morris drank
tbo,ussH OF 1t to cause her death. AL
t.}Iush 1t was discovered that she had
n"eu the alcohol and DR.. Lewis Tall
So was summoned, he was unable to
foro ner life, and she died shortly be-
Aoie o'clock.
AIRS "iIs Norris, who had been living
riyo{ rom her husband for a year, ar
reeja. III Chicago Thursday evening and
car, ,''Ied at the Saratoga Hotel. She
IN ,Qilrect here from Angles Camp,
h.. -aHlornta, where she had been with
Cb,,p PARENTS. AS soon as she arrived in
caiii.gsso she sent for her husband. He
snonJ 10 see her and found her de-
him 4eht over being separated from
she Norris told her husband that
"au pawned her diamond ring to
inc 10 him. Mr.. Morris had been send
"sE sum OF money each week,
The Savannah morning news. (Savannah, Ga.) 1900-current, 1901-08-23
COULDN'T STAND THE SHOCK.
Riot AT Narragansett Pier over a
Bathing Suit.
From the New York World.

From the New York World.
A French bathing suit and a shape
ly woman brought out the whole police
force and nearly made necessary the
calling out of the fire department, at
Narragansett Pier. There were 1000
people on the beach when the fair
young thing, so arrayed as to suggest
Venus rising from the sea, appeared.
She had on a pair of full pink tights,
dotted all over with spots of rainbow
hues as big as half dollars, and the
blouse of skin tint was cut so that ii
did not reach more than six inches be-
low her waist line. A belt completed
her costume. After the young woman
had been in the water. the fit of her
suit was likened to that of the skin
on a sausage.
The jovial crowd soon caught sight
of her. and the fun began at once. Men
shouted "Firer' and stop thief" as
she emerged from the breakers, and in
a few minutes there was such a tu-
multi that the single policeman on the
beach FASTENED down 20 see what was
the trouble. The young woman be-
came alarmed and started on a run
for the bathing house, where she had
left her street clothes, followed by hum
dreds of people. all of them shouting
and jeering at her. A hurry call for the
police reserves was sent in, TO which
two men responded. These being who'll
ly inadequate, the entire force was
called out. BY this time the woman
had found safety in the bathhouse, but
1t was necessary TO break a few heads
before the mob could be driven back.
The woman is a well-known New York
cloak model, and left on the first train
for other pastures.