The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1901-01-10
SMART SHORT STORIES.

lAdl io AOpeQ the members WOuIul nave a
pleasant Christmas and abstain from
drinking whisky. Judge Spruance, who
was sitting to the right of the chief JUS
tice, interposed and said: THAT is not
the unanimous charge Of the court"
$50
DR.. Stubs, the bishop of Oxford. was
once importuned by woman who know
ing his experience of the Holy Land,
kept on asking him what places she
ought to visit, as she was starting on
trip to Palestine. After answering topo-
graphical questions without number, he
was again asked But, really, what
place would yeu advise me to go top
ITO Jericho, madam said the bishop,
sweetly.
The desire of the inhabitants of Sing
Sing to change the name of the town re-
calls g. somewhat similar desire on The
part of the inhabitants of the town CT
Rugeley, Eng, to q correspondent of the
New York Times. A man named Palmer
had made Rugeley notorious by an afro
cfous murder, and a deputation of the
inhabitants waited on the home secretary
with a petition for leave to change the
name. The minister hestated, and asked
what name they proposed to substitute.
They replied that they had not decided.
What do you say" said he, Ito taking
my name?' They expressed their I'M
qualified delight, and obtained the home
secretary's consent to this method of OBJ
Hterating the memory of the obnoxious
Palmer The home secretary in question
was Lord Palrnerston. The town Is still
known as Rugeley.
When I was in Springfield, Abraham
Lincoln and Gen. Baker, who was killed
at LeeSburg, Va, during the Civil war
made The race for the Wing nomination
for congress-" says DR.. d. B. Hill Both
were Wigs, and both were keen for the
nomination. Both had a strong personal
following, and If both ran the Democrat
would win in the district So a primary
election was necessary to settle the con-
test. Baker won. Both men were at
Springfield when the news came Lin
coin Was depressed. The crowd to cheer
him up, called on him for a speech Get
ting up he said: Gentlemen, I'd like TO
comply with your request, but I can't
make a speech now. I expected to re-
eeive the nomination. but 1 failed. II
had Won know Baker would have get
up here and Sc charmed you with his
eloquence as to,make you believe you had
dere him favor by nominating me.
But can't do it,
In the recent campaign, the editor of
the Fairfax, Mo, Forum was nominated
by the Democrats fer justice CT the
peace. This is the way lie announced the
fact In his journal '"Nhe office was not
sought after by US, neither was it forced
upon u.s. There's no mistaking our quail
fcation--we know about as much law as
a brass monkey. But our friends said
they were looking for some good, honest
man to make the race. In the face of
Such an indirect compliment how could
we refuse? In a race for office we would
he a monumental fizzle. We wouldn't
ask man to vote Tor us If he'd give US
half a dollar. Our opponent is NJ. l..
Fear, He's an honest man, too. But
he's we'll fixed financially, and don't need
the four to five dollars a year that's in
the Office. Neither of us will make an
active canvass for votes, so you fellows
who expect to smoke our cigars, drink
our whisky, and have fun at our expense
will get left"
Max Kalbeck relates in Der Lotse OF
Hamburg the mishaps of Brahms when
ne was on the way to attend the funeral
OF his dear friend, the widow OF Schu-
mann. The telegram announcing her
death was sent to Vienna and thence for
warded to him at Iscnl by mail He found
that he would just have time to reach
his destination by taking the Orient
Express" and changing cars at Wells. On
the way he fell asleep and went too far
so that he had to wait all day at Linz
for an ordinary train to Frankfort
Purchasing q paper, he read that the
funeral would not be at Frankfort, but
at Bonn, and that it had been postponed
on his account. So he took the night
train at Frankfort. and arrived at Bonn
in the morning just in time to change his
clothes and join the funeral procession
Il was fearfuily nervous and veSed," he
declared to a friend afterward: 81 only
wonder that L did not have stroke Of
PARALYSIS -
Maj. Henry A. Newman, the Missouri
ex-Confederate, who did considerable
stump speaking during the recent cam
pa1gn, was enc of those who could spelI-
bind on all other issues better than he
could on the paramount. One day Mai.
Newman was down at Poplar Bluff
preaching Missouri Democracy pure and
Undecided in his best form, but refra ming
from any discussion of ''the hau!-down-
the-flag" proposition. Among the
majors auditors was an interested Irish
man who marked the omission, and at
several points interrupted him by asking,
How about the Phillirayins?'' Maj
Newman paid no attention 10 him at first,
but when he persisted he said: my
friend, I'll tell you about the Phlllipay-
ms" The imitation of the brcgue was
perfect and everybody chuckled "IIl
tell you, confidentially, what I'm in
favor Of doing with the Philippians; I'd
trade the Fhilipayins to Great Britain
for Ireland. and then we could raise our
own policemen"
M. Dolfus says in his book. "Modeles
d Artistes, that Victor Hugo never
sat for any of the popular portraits
and photographs which were in great
demand during the later years of his life
Dolfus claims that they were not por-
traits Of Hugo. but of a crayon-seller of
the Latin quarter, who bore a striking
resemblance to the great author The
substitute earned good income by Dos
ing for these portraits, and the resem-
olance 1neidentally brought him other
benefits TIe was largely responsible for
the common rumor that it was Victor
Hugo's custom to ride in cheap public
conVeyances, even in the coolest weather.
and to permit his admirers to pay his
) cents fare. In the evening the crayon-
seller frequented the cafes and accepted
treats from credulcus persons who
beasted next day Of their familiarity With
the poet In this way the impostor salts
he'd his thirst for wine and fame at small
expense. But, alas! Victor Hugo died.
and with him went his doubles reflected
glory.
The kaiser recently perpetrated joke
on Herr Won BueloW over which all Ger
many is still laughing While in an ex-
pansive mood, he asked Herr ven Bue-
low how all things considered, he liked
his new berth as chancellor Won Bue-
low replied that bIest indeed was the
chancellor who had such an emperor.
but. But what?" said the kaiser.
The Office of chancellor, Won Buelow ex-
planned. was all his fancy had ever
painted it, but the chancellor's palace
was--well. madame thought that a years
spring cleaning would hardly make the
place hahitable; as a matter of fact n