The St. Johns herald., 1901-11-30
GOOD Short Stories


 A sanctimonieus bore, whose hobby was anti Catholicism, went to the great evangelist one day and put the direct question: ''Mr. Moody, do you ever in- tend to do any preaching against the Catholics?" "Yes, I may some time. " 'When will that be?'' After all the Protestants are converted"
 The late Bishop Mandell Creighton was once asked if he could state the difference between an Oxford man and Cambridge man. The professor, as he then was, immediately replied: "An Oxford man looks as if the world be longed to him; a Cambridge man as if he didn't care to whom the world be longed."
 The other day in London, man went up to what he supposed was an ac- auaintance and began to talk to him. In the course of conversation he said: "I heard your father make such an ex- cellent speech In the House of Lords. " T am so glad" was the reply; i've lost him about ten years ago, and I am highly gratified to hear that he has gone to so respectable place."
 Among the wild escapades remem- bered of Lord Waterford's youth is one of the time when he was living in Dub lin with his uncle, the primate. Com ing home late at night, he had a great quarrel with his cabman about the fare, and left the man swearing outside the door. Dashing into the hall, he found his uncle's gown and uencher ly- ing on the side-table, and, putting them hastily on, he turned, and going out, with stick and a gruff voice, said: What do you mean by coming here and trying to cheat my nephew? I'll teach you not to do such things for the future" and he thrashed him soundly. The man went away, saying that he had been thrashed by the Archbishop of Armagh in person.
 When Booker T. Washington began his early attempts to arouse the colored men of the South to work regularly, save their money, stop stealing chick ems, lead good lives, etc, one of his agencies was the establishment of schools. Money was scarce, and it was day of small beginnings. The first class was held on the porch of a house, but it rapidly outgrew the ac commodation, and, in casting about for ampler facilities, he found an old, aban- doned hen-house. Finding a venerable darky idle, he said to him: "Sam, you go up tomorrow morning and clean out that old hen-house back of MT. J-'s house." "Sho'ly, MT. Washington, was the reply, you won't clean out hen-house in de daytime?"
 During the earlier days of the reign of Queen Victoria, dramatic perform ances were given at Windsor Castle un- der the management of Charles Kean. The audiences being limited and stifiy aristocratic, the applause was natural ly not especially hearty, and the come dians felt the absence of the more demonstrative approval manifested in the regular theater. One evening the queen sent an equerry to Mir. Kean to know if the actors would like anything (meaning refreshments), when the ac- tor replied: Say to her majesty that We should be grateful for a little applause when the spectators are pleased" Back went the equerry and conveyed the message. At the end of the act there was slight suggestion of hand-clap- ping and exceedingly gentle foot-tap- ping. James Wallack, who knew noth- ing of the message sent to the queen, hearing the mild demonstration, prick ed up his ears and inquired: What is that" MT. Kean replied: "That, my dear Wallack, is applause" "God bless me!' retorted Wallack; "I thought it was some one shelling peas"
 Englishmen are proverbial in remem- bering the sense of puns and in forget ting the words, so that their attempted of them frequently require explanations before the humor is per ceived. Here Is characteristic one sent us by a reader: There is a strained feeling between the aspiring cities of the South, Los Angeles and San Diego, and the disesteem of the former for the latter found expression lately in a story told at public banquet. This is how an Englishman, laying down Los An geles newspaper in a San Diego club in burst of laughter. proceeded to tell the cause of his mirth: This paper says that at that banquet, a fellar told minstrel story about one fellar saying that he didn't like Los Angeles; her streets were crooked; they weren't as straight as the streets in San Diego; and the other fellar got back at him by saying that when Los Angeles had been dead as long as San Diego, her streets would be as straight This was followed by a fresh burst of laughter from the story-teller, amid the calm speculation of his hearers. One of them, picking up the newspaper, and reading, enabled the rest of the company to share in the gayety, when it appeared that the retcrt was that when Los An geles has been dead as long as San Diego she'll be as we'll laid out"
 Tears, Bottled Tears.
 A physician who has recently return ed from Persia says that the natives