davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
BARGAINS OF EVERY SORT.
Some Strange and Curl0us Transac-
tions That Are Advertised in
New York Paper.

An evening New York newspaper
is devoting several columns each day
to such of the public as have some-
thing they wish to trade for some-
thing else. Some queer propositions
are advanced from all sorts of peo-
pie. One man has an accordion that
he wants to swap for a parrots cage.
Another wants to turn 1900 pieces Of
copyrighted music into clothing. An
other has q sewing machine to trade
for canary. These all seem music
ally inclined. A rubber plant is Of
fered for pet dog. Some coin crank
has q dollar of the coinage of 1894
to trade for one of 1900. A banjo is
offered for small house dog or a
typewriter. Very timely is life
size bust of Edward VII, which will
exchange for q roll-top desk or other
equivalent" A marble washstand il
the temptation held out to some one
who wishes to be rid of second
hand piano. An oil painting of
"Venus at the Bath" is offered in ex-
change for a stamp collection or .
bulldog.
But the coolest offer of all is to
trade the medical diploma of = de-
ceased physician for diamonds.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29

Justiee Brown, o1 the United Slater
supreme court, inyariably walks hslf
the distance from His home "a tho
capitol, and Il always acco ompanied ~
: valuable collie dog. his part icuiar|
pet. s=55f 3.5I l5ss
The duke of Wellington sent : per.
sonal invitation to his wedding 10 =
resident Of New York. who was gar
sdener at Easton hall, the Westmin-
ster estate, when the duke was :
child. sS s555
Though they seldom agree on mat
ters Of public policy Senator's Tillman
and Hoar are the best Of friends.
The southerner has the highest opin-
lon Of the venerable Massachusetts,
mans mental attainments and fire..
quently refers to him % ..the ency.
clopedia. . n .:. 5 ,..:5 Il. !. \
Beggars in the street maintain that
the trailing skirts now in fashion
have almost ruined their business.
The greater part Of their revenue
comes from women, and nowadays
women must use one hand in hold
ing up the trailing skirt. But it takes
two hands to open = purse and the
beggar loses. ><: 4 ~ &ss.+ : NJ >5 81
They tell III London Of IN impe.
cunious nobleman who once wrote
to the late Sam Lewis, the money
lender, inviting him to dinner. Lewis
replied thus: "Dear Lord 49,: ~ =: am
sorry that shall not be; able to .ac-
cept your invitation to dinner. IT.,
however, you will tell me the amount
you require will see what I can do
for you" g = s~~sr.
A sister Of tho German empress,
Princess Frederick Leopold, is wom-
an of an athletic turn. She makes
nothing Of skating 20 miles or so on
a stretch. While on one such trip
last winter she broke through the
ice and nearly lost her life. The EN-.
peror was SO much upset by the acci-
dent that he forbade her leaving the
palace until the skating season was
over.
1t is a rare privilege to be permit.
ted to visit any Of the kaiser's pal.
aces. He thinks that he is entitled
to at least as much privacy as the
lowest of his subjects, and his orders
in regard to visitors are strict. Az
the Neues palace is regarded as above
all others q haven of rest, few tour.
lists are permitted within it's sacred
precincts. This palace is one of the
most beautiful in the world. It was
built by Frederick the Great for the
express purpose of giving the lie to
those enemies who spread reports
OF the hopeless bankruptcy Of Prus.
Sin.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
] u Plausible story.

-Iady-Why are you wandering
around the country, I should like to
know, instead oftstaying at home and
taking care of your family?
Tramp You see, mum, my wife
had 2 very good servant girl reg
ular jewel, num-. >s< .
That doesn't seem possible" I
There never was but one perfect
girl, and my wife had her, num-"
4 Mercy! What q lucky woman!"
Yes, mum, so my wife often said,
But, you see, mum, the girl didn't
like me-
"She didn't?'' ~ j. -
''No, mum. She said my wife would
have to discharge her or me, so she
discharged me-"
"Oh, I see. Here's some money!
n. Y. Weekly. =
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Defendant's Case Proved

In an application for divorce Thom.
as Il. Jones, of Wilkesbarre, Pa, says
his wife's feet are cold. In her reply
Mrs. Jones says that Thomas is a
crank. In view of the circumstances
it does not seem as if it would be
necessary to give the case to a jury.
Her contention seems to be proved,
while there are serious difficulties in
the way of producing satisfactory
proof of his assertion. 1t would hard.
ly do to introduce the feet as "Ex.
hibit A" and, unless Mrs. Jones has
been married before, there would
seem to be insurmountable difficulties
in the way of securing corroborative
evidence. Really, it would have been
far better if Mr.. Jones had given his
wife a pair of felt boots for noe
turnal wear, and thus made the best
of existing conditions.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Art and Maple surar.

Hester-"Peop1e think SO different.
ly. While some. are always talking
about the beauties Of nature, others
think there's nothing like art. s= s*
Uncle George-Yes, nature is well
enough in her way, but after all
there's nothing like art. Take maple
sugar, for instance = Nature can pro-
duce it only few weeks in the year;
but art, Lord love you, Is equal to its
production the whole. year round.:-
Boston Transcript. s:%s-%s 81 s !.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Gone for Good.

"You don't mean to say you've left
old Krusty's employ?"
eyes, he made certain remark in
my hearing that made it simply impos-
sible for me to. remain there any
longer"
Really? What did he say?"
HE said: Get your pay and get out
Of here '"-Philadelphia Press.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
In Use.

The little girl in the family was
inclined to answer the doorbell about
as soon as it sounded, and sometimes
she gave answers to whomever might
be there, that were curious One day
the man who collects the packages
of laundry was at the door and asked
if the laundry was ready.
"No," she replied. Papa has got
It on."-Detroit Free Press.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
As he Boy Remenbered It,

A Melrose boy who is devoted to
the Sunday school had as . golden
text not long ago the words: ''Go
to the ant, thou sluggard." Upon
reaching home his father asked him
what the text was. The parent was
surprised to know that the text was:
''Go to your aunt, and get slugged."
Boston Journal.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29

ernment expenses. The appropria.
tiohs for this year are, in round
numbers, $S0O,0OO,000. Just think Of
that! It costs $500, 100000 more
every year to pay the expenses.of the
government than it did Is years ago.
OF course, it requires an army of
clerks to attend to this business.
Not less than 10000 people are writ
ing letters here and mailing them
through the Washington post office.
Answers to these letters are received
also through the Washington post Of
flee. And this business is increasing
year by year.
The clerks in the state, war, navy,
treasury, interior, agricultural and
post Office departments, and the de.
partment of justice are busy all the
time; each one looking after specified
business and writing letters. Think
of the war department alone, with it's
vast correspondence since the Begin
ming Of the war with Spain, the ac-
QUESTION of additional territory, the
maintenance of an increased army,
and all that is meant by those condi-
tions. Then think of the additional
correspondence required by the navy
department because of these changed
/ conditions. Is it any wonder that the
work of the city post office and tho
post office department have been
enormously increased? Then again,
think of the, fact that all Of this
business is supervised, in a sense, by
the treasury department.; because all
of the increased expenditures must
be watched and noted by the great
corps of bookkeepers and vigilant in
spectors. The mail matter sent out
and received by the treasury depart
ment alone is so great that only
skillful attention to every detail can
! keep it in proper bounds.
All of this correspondence IL car
ried ON without the use of postage
stamps. 1t goes free through the
mails. Consequently, the salary Of
the Washington postmaster cannot be
fixed according to the amount of
stamp cancellations, as in other
post offices. All government business
is carried in penalty envelopes" up
on each of which is printed the
warning that "a penalty of $780, will
be required of anyone using such en-
! velopes for private correspondence.
These are the reasons, concisely stat
ed, why the salary of the postmaster
OF this city is arranged by special
law.
Lieut.. Gen. Miles dictates about 500
letters daily; Admiral Dewey, about
300; Adjt. Gen. Corbin and his clerks,
about 5000; secretary of the navy,
5000; secretary of war, about 5000;
the pension office, about 10000, and
so on all along the long departmental
line.
So you see that the post office Of
the national capital is a busy bee-
hive, which the people of the coun-
try seldom hear anything about, but
it is an important factor in CARRYING
on the multifarious business of the
great and growing federal govern
ment. SMITH D. FRY.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
CANCER NOT INCURABLE.
An English Medical Authority Scouts
Some Beliefs Regarding the
Dreaded Disease.

DR.. Herbert Snow, writing on this
subject in the Humanitarian, takes
note of the increased number OF
deaths from cancer (from 8, ,117 in 1864
to 22,945 in 1895 in England), and in
making plea for q more scientific
study of cancer clears up many popu.
lar misconceptions regarding the mala-
dies commonly grouped under this
term. The doctor says:
1T must be borne in mind that the
majority of the sufferers are perfectly
durable by a surgical operation within
certain limits of time. In nine out od
every ten cancer cases the organ at.
tackled is amenable to the resources OF
practical surgery, applied not merely
to palliate, but to eradicate perma,
nently. The bogy of heredity, /. e.. Of
a Transmitted constitutional taint, has
been extinguished by the past 20 years
research and experience. No one con.
versant with those Investigations n ow
entertains the smallest doubt on the
fact that cancer is primarily a purely
local malady; that it differs only, say,
from a carious tooth in its peculiar
properties of emitting cells which car.
ry infection to distant parts of the or.
ganism. Hence if it be wisely dealt
with the operating surgeon within that
preinfactive period, stage of several
weeks or even months, it is just as cas-.
lily extirpated as is an offending mola1
or incisor. The only really alb initio
incurable cases of cancer are those
wherein an internal organ essential to
life is the primary site, and such con.
stitute very small minority of the
whole.
"Cancerous disease invariably arise.
in minute spot, usually small group
of cells, and is thus purely local in its
inception. All the subsequent phenom.
ena follow infection, diffused by simple
mechanical agencies from that single
spot. On this principle no possible
doubt exists. -..,
"'But why, then,' it will naturally
be asked, do so many people continual
ly die from cancer? Why does the dis.
ease so generally reappear after an
operation which has appeared highly
successfully t$%:
II 1T may be, confessed that surgical
dealings with cancer are almost always
uphill work. Nevertheless the reasons
for the ultimate failure of many OF
these operations are always painfully
apparent. Either (a) the infective cell
fragments have been allowed to diffuse
themselves to other parts before the
operating surgeon was called in or -(b)
the operator has done his work badly.
The first explanation unfortunately &C.
counts for by far the greater number
Of instances. People hardly ever think
of consulting an operating surgeon, OF
even of applying to a medical prac.
titioner at all, until the malady ,ha.
slowly. progressed for many months:
But the second also covers no small
field" 49, $& " "
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
His 1ndiynant InQuir,

He ION his knees)-Darling, I love
you with all my heart, with all my
soul, and with all the strength of my
being.
She-Are you in earnest, Clarence2
He (reproachfully)-1n earnest!
Say, do you. think lam bagging my
trousers this way for fun?-Puck.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
The Eaoleef waY Oat.

n. :E5ss.: As1oAeA WY O0te 6#H
Mrs. langle ito the, hotel manager)
IF package comes to me from the
dressmaker'ss with $40 to pay, just pay
it, and charge It to sundries in my hus-
bands bill. II, .<'ssT sac \, s. !.
Manager Certainly, madam; but
er-don't you think he might be suspi.
cious? 3~&a a + zssFs=. r. -.
Mrs. Mangle (thoughtfully)-Wel
there is something, in that. Perhaps,
after all, you had better charge it to
his wine account.-Tit-Bits. +.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
HONOR Even.

"Good heavens!" scornfully ex-
claimed the young woman. "Are you
asking me to marry you? You!" VI.
Es"Yes," returned young spoonamore,
with spirit. why not? I've asked
everybody else can think of."-Chi-
cago Tribune.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Delightful Man.

He-Going shopping, Miss Wander
velt7
She-Yes. I'm going to buy some
pretty pictures for my room. /
He-Why don't you buy half
dozen mirrors? Then you would sec
q pretty picture whichever way you
ed.-Summerville Journal. /.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Trouble in q Kiss.

She-Do you remember the first
quarrel you had with your wife?
He e-Distinctly. :
what was it about?~'
"Oh, about kiss"
"Pshaw!"
Eyes"
'But doesn't she like kissing?'
"Oh, yes"
''Why, then, did she object?"
II was kissing another woman"
Yonkers Statesman.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
A Matter of Health.

When the world Is dull and gloomy
And won't 60 the proper way,
It is really your stomach
That is ailing, so they say.
And the world would chime with laughter
Till the ripping echoes wake
If we; only could discover
Just,what,medicinet to take.
-Washington Star.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Not Afraid OF the Cold.

A fire alarm sounded in the house
of hook, and ladder truck No. 4, in
Newark, N. j., just as the driver,
Herman Hanl<e, was taking a bath,
He bounded out of the bath tub
threw on q single garment long
India rubber coat-slid down. the
brass pole leading to the truckroom.
mounted the truck and drove to the
fire. The moisture ON his limbs froxc
in the chilly air, but Herman didn't
mind little thing like that. An hour
later he returned and finished his
hath. III sst:..s sS-ss .,s1.T :
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Noble Confederation.

N0b1o COnotder2ttOu.
"Why did the bride insist that the
groom's present should be q necklace
of Fl pearls? Does she think there is
luck in odd numbers?"
mo, I guess not. You see, she had
been engaged that number of times to
other fellows, and, being one of the
kindest-hearted girls in the world, she
wanted the necklace as a sort of me-
mortal to them."-Chicago Times-Her-
aid
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Quite Kitfeniah,

Beacon-That Miss Bangs in the
next fat has got q new piano.
Egbert-I suppose you can compare
her to kitten now.
"How so?' -
( "Why, I suppose she's playing all
the time."-Yonkers Statesman. &
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
l'lllllll 81 ; ESQ vs..
Railroaa Taxes. :

sssy55 sssss ss33s s;sf ~ 1113000 18300s
Glowing IS : complete )
|of the amounts paid Into Z
|streesusy this yese 81 the &
operating - Minnesota n
sare on kross earnin9s for last
/ Chicago. rilwaukee g ST. Paul.
/ Minnesota Transfer :. !. ). !. /. I. {.
|aUnion Depot q Transfer Com
pany Of saltwater =. 4. i. -. Z I.
Duluth q Northern Minnesota
RAILWAY Company {. S. ). 7. !. /. j. Il
Duluth. Red Wing q Southern
RSnroads Company 80. :. ]. ~, =.
Red Lake Transportation Conn
BFsinerd, q Northern Minnesota
South st: Paul Belt Railroad.
in st. Paul s. .
Duluth g Iron Range Railroad
cSGiSmpsnS cSieaspo. &. Paul, M,nneapoii. ;:sl;aii;
& Omaha Railway Company.
Duluth, Missabe & Northern
Railway Company ............
Winona Bridge Railway Com
Split Rock 1 ! Northsrn ii; Railway
chicaso I Iortn.We:te;r;n' North; Rail:
way Company ....A..e.....
Minneapolis Eastern Railway.
Minneapolis. ST. Paul III . 4 Z sauit
Ste. Marie Railway Company
Railway Transfer Company ).
BURLINGTON. Cedar Rapids &
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29

She-It's queer that Mr.. Smith sank
when he broke through the ice, when
he was such an excellent swimmer.
He-Well, you sec, he had just eaten
one of his wife's biscuits.-Chicago
Inter Ocean.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
she Knows lGan's ways.

The most considerate wife I ever
heard off, said the philosopher, twas
: woman who used to date all Her let
FterD ) week or 20 ahead, to allow her
husband time 70 post them. =. An.
EsWexA 55.S. .ss
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Success.

What 10 "Success"in this strange life?
Pray tell us what it means.
With some tits wine and terrapin:
With others, pork and beans.
-Washington Star.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Al the Play.

sSSs Il; Mrs.. Van Blumer (petulantly)--
Can't you sit with me between the
acts? ~ = l.. 4, ~;
Won Blumer suppose Il
could; but 1 like 70 have few mo-
ments TO myself during the perform
ence. Detroit Free Press.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Financial Connaent = ! I,

! "What do you think Of a man who
overdraws his bank account2''
ut isn't much to his credit
Town Topics. s#ssg i L sss.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Coffee Grounds,

( Meeks-My wife doesn't treat me
right. .,.:.-.
Weeks-What's the trouble?
Meeks-She makes such poor coffee.
|" L Weeks-Well, if that is the case, you
have grounds for divorce.-Chicago
Daily News. -. b..
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
5Fi1st Inspeation. /.

our doom Is sealed! said the
sherin, solemnly.
s.Doesn't matteri' = responded the
prisoner, abssntly. - wife will open
4 Chicago Daily News.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29

Host-That' t'sAsomething like cigar.
isn't it, old chap: .tts
Guest-Yes. It's wonderful to what
perfection they can bring these imi-
tations nowadays.-Ally Sloper. b.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Total
Big Premiums.
,l.443. .992.18

The premiums for the great 'sbreed
show" Of shorthoru cattle, to be con-
Quoted at the Minnesota state fair of
1901. are announced by officers Of the
American Shorthorn Breeders associ-
alton. The event will be memora BILE
one in every way and will give new
impetus to Shorthorn cattle breeding
throughout Minnesota and the whole
northwest. It will also make one of
the important features at the next
state fair, attracting live stock men,
not only in Minnesota, but from the
Dakotas, Montana, Nebraska. Iowa,
Wisconsin and other states.
All entries for this competitor must
be made with B. o. Cowan, assistant
secretary. Springfield. I'LL. not later
than Aug. IS. An auction sale Of
pure-bred Shorthorns will be held in
connection with the exhibition.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Odd But Expressive,

Odd But Expressive.
An odd word she let fall
Makes me fear there's no hope.
When popped; 1jrecall.
An odd word she let fall.
You'll not find 1t at all
In old Webster's; tits ''Nope!''
This odd word she let fall
Makes me feel there's no hope.
*-Catholic Standard. and Times.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Appreciation,

she-The Browns called on Us last week,
He-Yes. @
ssAoad retaliate ?"~Indianapolis Press.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
or !T,ao ARecflen,auIte

Edith-W Why did you dismiss NJ.
Goodheart3 .s
Blanch- Oh, he got % he'd rather
sit at home and hold my hand than
take me 70 tAs theater.-N. =. Week.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Doi,g HE hest.

Mrs. Fadallby-Yes; I'm going to the
Her Hu.band-As you please, Maud; but
attractive!-Puck. @ Z
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29

\ There should be less worrying about what
the unseen has in store" and more care Of
the health to BE able to do the work it lriaes
to sveryone.-Atchison Globe. :S s.11 q )
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
A Clean Sweep.

X CIeon sweep.
The burglar looked around with pride.
And silently admired
His latest job. He had in truth
Left naught to be desired.
IN Y Life I.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29

Dora have my photo taken every three
year.. ] think It is so interesting" Oracle
Gracious! Whatever do you do with
them alp Glasgow Evening Times.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Minnesota Wins.

Minnesota won in tho oratorical
contest with the University of Nebras-
ka. gaining first and third places.
Guy l.. Caldwell was ranked first
by the judges; w. E. Hannah OF
Nebraska. second: L. II. Johnston,
third, and N. NJ. Graham, fourth.
The judges were DR.: Charles M. Jor-
don and Rev. Marion D. Shutter Of
Minneapolis and DR.. Bridgeman, presi-
dent Of Hamline university. DR..
Frank McVey presided and intro
duced the speaker of the evening.
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29
Cathoms Deep,

"What are you nosing around that At
lantic cable ior:" said the lobster to the
'"oh," said the latter, nonchallantly.
merely. picking up few ocean currents"
Detroit Free Press.
Mrs. Snaggs-"Old. Closefist is dead, I
see." Mr.. Snaggs-"Yes." ''What did he
die of" "He died Of enlargement of the
heart" "That old miser! What Joker you
are, Frank."-Pittsburgh Chronicle. .Tele.
egraph. NIL. : j w.. II -. = -E5
The Worthington advance., 1901-03-29

don and Rev. Marion D. Shutter Of
Minneapolis and DR.. Bridgeman, presi-
dent Of Hamline university. DR..
Frank McVey presided and intro
duced the speaker of the evening.
Condensed News.
When Mr.. Davis, living near
Stephen, awoke one morning his wife
was missing. She WAS found in the
we'll, dead
Seven trains loaded with home.
seekers. went west from the Twin
Cities recently.
A runway horse in Minneapolis
got stuck in q snow drift acd was cap.
tured.
The wagon works Of Gensman Bros.,
at Lewiston. were destroyed by fire.
In all probability the food and dairy
interests will make another attempt
to prevent the sale of butterine in
large shipments because of the de-
cision of the United States supreme
court few days ago.
Representative Tawney has been
notified that thGe ee rural free delivery
routes will be established at Chatfield
and one at I.anesboro, in Fillmore
county, on May 1.
Miss Emma Thune. Of Crookston
died while, unconscious from the ef.
fects of ether administered to facili-
tate an operation to remove a swelling
of the neck.
The coal stove in James Lally's resi-
dence at Moorhsads dsexploded the other
night and the fire department had to
work hard to save the building.
The bell fell of the brick school
house Is miles northeast of Kasson,
striking near q groop of children.
One of the pieces struck William Ken
nedy's little daughter. breaking her
arm and Injured her on the back OF
her neck. The frame of the bell had
become rotten. y,
M. Davis, q Minneapolis grocer was
fined SIS for selling unlabelled baking
powder. .., 80.
Frank Donahue. was arrested in
Minneapolis for attempting to steal q
big motor from the railway company.
Three prisoners escaped from the
county Jail at Hastings by cutting a
hole through the roof on the west side
and lowering themselves to the ground
by rope made from quilts. 50:
Fire broke out in Lester & Lehrkes'
saloon 1T Stewart and the building
and contents were completely de-
stfoyed. Mr. Lester lived on the sec
ond floor and the whole family came
near perlshing.
The threatened strike of the Mime
apolis painters has been averted by a
compromise settlement.
Harvey Potts, while sitting in a sa-
loon in Minneapolis, fell from his
chair and died. y =
An unknown man was found dead
on the railroad tracks near Rochester.
The body was almost covered by
snow. &.sE H.. ...y.
The Great Northern railroad will
spend 800, 900 enlarging its shops in
st. Paul. - I. :... sS .:, ! -, J
! CapitaMsts arc, considering the prop.
osition Of building : short line railway
from Minneapolis to Winnipeg. !.
The Buffalo Pan.American expo.
sition wants to borrow some indiana
from Minnesota. ,= .,s..s==$ %s E#5sS
The body of.a dead infant wrapped
up In bundle Was .found in theswsit-
Ing room of the Union depot i ST. Paul
The collections Of the state insur-
ance edepartmentsf for February follows;
Taxes. 96a. 1O1. 06; fees. 80, ,3s7. Is. .
a new piano factory L TO 30 built IL
Minneapolis. d s5.55'ss 3s.s5a
B. =. Stanton was arrested in Mime.
apolis for forgery ID st. Paul. #
Smith e Wyman sash and door fac.
tory IL Minneapolis burned causing |.
loss of 90. Ooa s.,7ss as.