Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1901-10-20
Brother Gardner. Remarks.

brother Gardner's Remarks.
Oar am sartin pussons in dis
world" remarked Brother Gardner as
he slowly stood up in his place in Par
adise ball-"dar am sartin pussons In
dis world who am bound to swell out
an put on style. an dar am sartin
other pussons who kin nebber do 1t to
save DER necks. None OF yo don't
seem to realize dis. Yo' jest reckon
dat anybody who gifts seben dollars
ahead kin begin to swagger around.
Let us take the case of Elder Pen
stock. De elder am sixty vars old, an
his wife am bout de same. Dey ar
good nayburs, an de elder won't chen
steal watermillyons from co'nfleld.
De trubble am. howeber, dat he thinks
he was bon to swell. When he hasn't
got but 80 cents to his name, yo' will
find him walkn' frew de alleys as
humble as an old goat, an II a boy
hits him wild a cowcumber he hasn't
word to say. Let him git TO dollars in
his pocket all to once an see what a
change takes place. He puts on dat
old plug hat an swallertail coat OF his,
hunts up his cane, an yo' will find him
walkin' back an 10th on de street an,
believin' dat che owns eight brick
houses. Let boy PUNK him in de
back wild vegetable an dat old man
will go huntin' around fur de supreme
court and satisfaction. Dat swell lasts
bout two days, an den he comes down
via a thud.
eve all know Givedam Jones to be
a hustler an when he gifts started on
Noah's ark he kin talk de boots off of
us. He don't drink or lie. an he allus
pays back borrowed money; but, alas.
he believes he was bon to swell! He'll
go two days widout eatin' to buy red
necktie, an he'll skip de circus fur de
sake of yaller gloves. Some day yo'll
find him blackin stove or whitewash-
in a fence. an yo' kin git clus up to
him an AK him fur chaw OF terback-
err. Some odder days You meet him
around de postoffice, whar he has bin
to rent box, an yo'll speak to him to
git de cold cut He won't know yo'.
an he'll hold his head up as If he has
six blue wheelbarrers an hand sled
in his back yard. I've seen him when
yo' could slap him on de back an call
him old man, an I've seen him when
he had SO much dignity dat was
afeared TO draw my breaf befo' him.
Its de same wild Waydown Bebee.
Yo' cant make him believe dat he
wasn't bon to swell. He goes around
talkin' bout his country residence.
his United States bonds an his steam
yacht, an he makes hisself believe dat
he kin draw check fur $4,000. Why,
dat man will work eighteen hours out
of twenty-four fur a week In order to
git ahead of de game an glib an ice
cream party or progressive euchre
pze knowed him to buy diamond
pin fur seben dollars on Monday an
eat cold taturs fur dinner on Tuesday.
Il could menshun de names of
dozen odders. but I'll stop yere |
want to say to yo' dat dis swell biz
ness am all nonsense an foolery. De
man widout money might jest as well
try to fly widout wings as to try to
swell. 1t can't be did. Yo' may git
as fur up de ladder as to glib an ice
cream party an own a poodle dog, but
der yo' am sartin to come down kerr
chunk. Drap 1t, my friends, drap it.
Be what yo' am. Don't try to be big
germ somebody else. Let de folks wild
money do de swellin', while yo sot