New-York tribune., 1901-03-03
MARX TWAIN TALKS ABOUT OSTE-
OPATHY AND CHPISTIAN
SCIENCE.


much as they were devoted the plea that the
State should not fetter mans freedom TO choose
whatever sect cult school Of medicine he
desires. After the hearing Mr.. Clemens left the
heated Assembly chamber and sought a cool seat in
the Assembly lobby. known as "Hogan's Corner"
where the fruit man Of the lower house keeps his
baskets
All" exclaimed the humorist. stretching him
self on the soft velvet cushions. its cooler
here. BY way" turning 10 a member OF
the committee who had accompanied him. what il
your name?"
''Fordyce" was the answer. eFordyce. Of Cayuga
County"
Well exclaimed Mr.. Clemens. carefully review
ing the feet Of the UP State members stature.
you're big fellow to come from that county.
You're big enough 10 represent the whole State.
Fordyce9 So. III remember. BY the way. Assem-
blymsn. wonder what that committee thought Of
me? ! made 2 pernicioUsly lons speech. How long
did I speak,
About forty-fve minutes"
HE FELT APOLOGETIC.
"Forty-ave minutes? Impossible. and 10 think I
didn't have my speech prepared. like some OF those
learned doctors. must have bored the committee.
Really. I ouEht 10 80 back and apologize"
The Assemblyman from Cayuga County, who is
generally known As the CULVER Of the lower house.
laughed so heartily that the humorist's mind ap-
peared TO be Immediately freed from all further
anxiety on that score After q moment OF silence
Mark Twain said quietly:
Mr.. Fordvce. nv coming here this afternoon
makes me think OF an experience 1 had in San
Francisco some years ago. l was staying al the
Russ House Well the first morning I there
I strayed for one reason another into the dining
room. Whom should I recognize there but an old
friend OF mine. whom I hadn't seen for don't
know how long. sitting at table with a napkin
around his neck Ike some Boxer about TO be be-
headed. My friend was dabbling in some soppy,
sloppy milk toast and the feeblest most trrespon-
sble looking tea had the III fortune OF seeing
anywhere
90 Sit down and have breakfast with me- said he,
d" oh, thank you I said, looking at that non
committaI tea; but I've had my breakfast (as in
fact 7 haD and 7 am not all hungry
' Sit down; sit down, persisted friend. Never
mind If you amt hungry. order anything you want
Just keep ne company. can't you2
MARK WAS NOT HUNGRY
wei. sat down. BY and by he asked for the
bill Come TO reckon It ". HIS breakfast amounted
10 20 cents and mine 10 s. .. When he saw that
S . all spread out in so many figures he said:
d" say. Mark, if you weren't hungry this morn
Ing. I should never want tc see YOU when you were
hungry
That was the way with my talk to-day. II the
committee got TOO much OF me to-day. when I
hadn't prepared a speech, what would they have
thought Of me II had prepared one?'
There another hearty laugh from the Ca
yuga Asset blyman, then silence FOR moment
Finally the Agislator remarked, after recrossing
his legs that the right member cut off all pos
sible escape for the author OF 'Innocents Abroad"
You would have been interested in the hearing
the Bell bill. Mr.. Clemens About TWO hundred
Christian Scientists who feared they would be
put out Of business BY the measure attended hear
ings before our committee every Wednesday for
three weeks"
Christian ScIenceT' repeated the author. run
ming his fingers through his white lions
il searching for some fugitive memory Then as
IL his search had proved futile he rummaged
through his pockets and at last pulled out
excessively black cigar. A light offered by
Mr.. Fordyce, and after series OF vigorous puffs.
the smoke from which nearly stifed the big Re
publican. Mr.. Clemens again repeated:
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE FAILED HIM
Christian Science? Yes. I've tried that. too
I've tried them al, as they come along-allopathy,
homeopathy, hydropathy. osteopathy and many
pathy besides; and I've tried Christian Science.
too. But haven't much for g. 1t didn't do
me any more good than getting into telephone
communication with m self and yelling: Hello.
Mark Twain You're all right Goodby-'
I tried Christian Sci-nce for a cold in the head
7 had a savage cold, too. The test vas good one
I went a Christian Scientist, and we prayed
together for some time. He told me 70 think 1
didn't have a headache. Well. trying follow
out his directions gave me another headache twice
as bad the first No, sir! There's only one way
7 can cure cold, and that's to take a good
drawback TO that remedy however Is that a man
is likely rot to wake up for TWO weeks afterward.
u Nov, ! don't want 10 decide ths question OF
people uDd happiness this belief n would
piness. 7 know an elderly lady. for example A
most delightful lady in many respects. who says
she IS just as sound and solid AZ seventy years as
that pillar over there
Here Mr.. Clemens called the attention Of the
Csyuga Assembyman 70 The great stone column
which bounds Hogan's corner on the south. Now.
whether she is solid or not is a question which
concerns n ltte i at aL just 50 long as she
AT one of the hearings the Bell BILL inter-
rupted the Cayuga CULVER, a Christian Scientist
asked all those who ha been cured OF wearing
glasses 70 stand up and about one hundred and
fifty stood up"
HIS WONDER AROUSED
Well that wonderful said Mark Twain
so they gave up wearing glasses? Yet I think
can understand II. People need only think they
are cured, and they cured. II I have pain in
some part Of nv body and put my ina gination TO
work somewhere else ! don't think of that pain
and the pain goes away. II gets disgusted and
leaves. i doesn't make much difference what I
put my mind on, 50 long as II IS concentrated on
one thing. II could put my mind A multiplied
tion table ntently enough. the multiplication able
OF TWO things at the same time. Mr Fordyce'
The legislative CULVER nodded approval to this
last thought with great earnestness and, recross-
ing his legs, now put his left knee where his right
foot had been before.
tinued Mr Clemens. Il need only recall some ex-
periences 7 had on leaving this country 10 go
family of-carbuncles. They constitutes a ,,aT,,
lively little colony my left leg Wen bv tha
time ! reached Australia family had become
a whole tribe, or which every member waginc
a South African revolution for dictatorship had
planned however, 10 give an extended lecture tour
IN Austraa, ana IN spite OF my carbunCles start
ed 70 carry out my original intention. Well IL
proved the best thing l could do. Thev used 10
bring me 70 the lecture hall In ambulance and
carry up to the platform In a stretcner and ali
the while II seemed 10 me that nv agony would
overcome me. But as soon as got my feet
and saw that crowd of faces looking al ne and
began 10 concentrate my mind on the subject Of
mole and mi