davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Savannah morning news., 1901-05-26
NR. DOOLEY ON RECENT EVENTS
IN SPECULATIVE CIRCLES,


well. SIR" said Mr.. Dooley 'T see tn
other be tn throat an engaged in a
death struggle. Glory be, whin business
gets above sellin tinpinny LAils in a
brown paper cornucopy, It's hard to till
it firm murdher."
whats Titan Nv Fi-nance?" asked
Mr.. Hennessy.
"A Titan iv Finance" said Mr.. Doc
ley. 'is a man that's got more money
thin he can carry without bein' disord-
herly. They'se no intoxicant in tn wur-
ruld. Hinnissy. like money. 1t goes to tn
head quicker thin tn whisky TIL dhrug-
gist makes in his back room. A little
money taken from frinds in a social way
or FIR tn stomach's sake is not SO bad.
A man can make money slowly an go
on increasin' his capacity till he can
carry his load without staggerin' an do
nawthin' vilent with a millyon or two
aboord. But some iv these la-ads has
been thryin to consume tn intire output
an 1T looks to me as though twas about
time to call IN tn polls. IT'S like whn
Scaldy Quinn an Crappy Burke, two Ii
tans at rough-an'-tumble comes in here
to glory in their strenth over tn bottle,
an Burke puts up a kag iv beer with
wan hand an Quinn bets he can toss tn
cebur further thin amy man on tn road,
and wan wurrud leads to another an
all wurruds leads to a fight
I'm tn gr-reatest consolidation in tn
wurruld.' says Scaldy Hartman. I've
consolidated tn u. p. tn X. r. & L., tn
-
& c. says he. I've a line iv smoke
reachin' firm wan ocean TO tn other he
says. I'm no ordin'ry person.. he says
I'm not a banker lndin' other peoples
money at six per clint or railroad prisi-
dint haulin' hogs to market he says
I'm a Titan he says. IF We don't be-
lieve II, look at tn pa -apers,' he says, an
osk me- he says. I'm a Titan an I'm
lookin' fr throuble,' he says, an here
1t comes, he says. 'Hurroo. hurroo. tn
back ~ me hand an tn sole Nv me fut to
all an siveral,' he says.
"'You a consolidatorT says Scrappy
Morgan. Why he says. we cuddent
mix drinks f'r me- he says. I'm tn
on'y ruffyan consolldator in tn gleamin'
West. he says. I've fined tn mountains
w. tn moon railway with tn canals Nv
Mars an I'll be hauln' wind firm tn
caves Nv Saturn befure tn first iv tn
year he says. I'm a close and free mix
err he says. Titan, says We? I'm all tn
Titans. tn u. S. Titan company consol-
idated, an I've bonded tn strenth Nv me
back an put out five hundherd millyons
Nv stock Nv tn power Nv me mighty
arms he says. I've belted tn wurruld
with steel an l think to mesilf I'll now
belt you he says.
AN they closely embrace. What hap
pens. says ye? Well, tn big la-ads is
sthrong an knows how to guard an
whin they're spread out. small harm has
come TO thin. But tn little dhrunk finan-
ccers that're not used 10 IN fiowin' divi-
dend an IN quick profit that biteth like
wasp an stingeth like an adder, tn
little la-ads that are csrryin' more thin
they can hold an walk. are picked up
In pieces. An as fr me, the innoeJnt man
that let tn two burllss into me place to
The Savannah morning news., 1901-05-26

millyionaire, bring this journalist a hogs
head iv champagne wine an ordher me
gilt coach an twelve horses FIR O'Clock.
I'm goin' to buy tn front window iv
joolry store FIR Name, he says. Ye can
keep tn change he says. L don't want
ye'er money, says tn waiter haughtily,
THROWN down tn hundred dollar bill
Who ar-re YEP says Misther Mangan,
curyously. I'm tn bull leader in Anal
gamated Hair says tn man, AN I'm
on'y hangin' r-round here ontil tn boord
Nv directors gets off watch at tn bar an
comes in FIR to hold tn semi-anooal meet
in he says. TIL two great f-nanceers
afther maxim an agreement to race their
yachts mex week, shook hands corjally
an Mr.. Mangan, havin' been helped on
with his red plush oveFcoat be tn Prisi-
dint Nv tn imp Naytional Bank, was es-
corted to tn dure be tn Vice Prisidint "
tn Gum Combine, who had on'y an hour
befure handed in his resignation as CHIEF
bell-boy"
That's tn las I'll hear Nv Tim Man
gan in tn newspapers, onless he's took
up be tn polls. 1 haven't had me boots
BACKED f'r siveral Sundays because it
hasn't been rainin', an besides 1 didn't
wanted to distract amy iv our ladn
fi-nanceers firm their jooties to tn wealth
Nv tn nation. But If twill give we amy
satisfaction to have thin pumps iv ye-ers
1apanned be a former bull leader, We con
go down to tn Alhambra Hotel an twill
be properly done FIR five oints common,
tin preferred. Its not as good shine as
1t was six months ago. Wanst a man
looks at tn ticker, he can't see sthraight
f'r some time. I'm goin' to black me own
boots an shave mesilf till tn effects "
tn boom wears off. But Tim will get
back 40 his speed afther awhile. an some
Saturday night he will lay out fifty cints
in two gallery seats, an him an tn 1T
tie laundhress, that he knew befure N
boom began, can admire what's left "
tn front window iv tn joolry store in Oh
back row iv tn chorus"
WELL poor boy tits too bad" said MT.
Hennessy, the man of sentiment
1T is So" said Mr.. Dooley. NBut crazy
come, crazy 60"
The Savannah morning news., 1901-05-26

Copyrighted, 1901, by Robert Howard
Russell
In an Excuse for a Town known as
Pokeville there were not many Live
Ones. The typical Resident had been
there so long that he had taken Root and
had Lichens and Moss growing on him.
If he had a Dollar he was hanging on to
it like Grim Death, now and then letting
out Low Wall about Taxes. If aroused
from his Trance and compelled to Ante
for a Fourth of July Celebration or
something of that Character, he would
separate himself from about 70 cents in
Coppers, Postage Stamps and Milk Tick
cts and then, he would sit down and cry
like Child.
There was a great deal of Wealth in
Pokeville but most of it was salted away
in Wooden Socks. Coffee Minis and CHM
ney Corners. The ones who had it pleaded
Poverty. They cut their own Hair and
The Savannah morning news., 1901-05-26

, longer Workable. Consequently I am
starving here in a Land of Plenty. The
kind Brakemen permit me to ride on the
Blind Baggage or sit up on a Gondola
where the Coal is nice and Soft, but when
alight at one of these
Cans standing around and go out
to tease about a fitful Cow, I en-
counter Mrs Foxy CUTLER who reads the
Ten-Cent Magazine and I get nothing but
language. Last Night l had to Flop in
the little red Knowiedge-Boxd down at the
corner. 1t was that or Pound my Ear on
the dewy Turf To-day my Digestive APP
paratus probably thinks that my Throat
had been cut. And yet, when l come here
and begin to hint around about Solid
Nourishment, i can see by the Minerva
Clean In your Eye that you are going 10
give me that old Gag about saving a Cord
of Wood
by the Sweat Of" began the Lady
of the House.
Il know the Quotation frontwards and
backwards" said the Tourist. 1T is the
perennial Standby of all the Shingles who
want me to do Sl1O worth of Toll for
plate Of Cold Vittles that is no longer
good for anything but Hash. If ever l am
Inundated into Working, l won't take my
Pay In the Sweepings from the Breakfast
Table. and that's no idle Bar-Room Jest.
/ Will join "a Union and compel the likes
OF you to pay me 60 cents an hour for
lighting my Pipe But / cannot go to
Work. You have heard OF the Unem-
ployed. Well, l am. one of the Dis-em-
ployed. The Unemployed are not work
ing and the DisempNoyed are under Con-
tract never to come down to It, l don't
dare to accept Job or 1 would efface the
most picturesque Type of our Times and
one that is a constant Inspiration to the
Vaudeville Actor. Besides, l am the Only
support of an Army of Editorial and
Space writer's who get Good Money for
their Stuff about the Tramp Problem"
II hadn't thought of that" said the
Lady of the House. Il will broi you a
Steak and then write Paper about you
for our next Club Meeting"
MORAL: That which is not good for
anything else usually has the Making of
a Magazine Article
The Savannah morning news., 1901-05-26

the Ropes you won't believe anything a
Man tells you. You are all from Missouri
and they've got to show you. Perhaps
you have seen the Joke in the Rainbow
Weekly about the easy Housewife who
weeps at my Hard Luck Story and gives
me Suit or Believers belonging to mis-
Nobs and then makes me wrap up a few
paragraphs OF Lunch and take along with
me. ! am hunting for her but / never
find her except when I am smoking. But
every Day I come across the one that
hands me a few Statistics 70 prove that
there is a General Demand for Labor. I
ask for a Hand-Out and get a Homily.
Lovely Woman has begun 20 Poet herself
on Industrial Conditions and she IL no
The Savannah morning news., 1901-05-26
The House Comedian and the Lady
shoppers Unexpected Come Bnck.

once there was a Lord OF Creation who
delighted TO tell his Wife all about the
Peculiarities and Weaknesses of Women.
He was the Kind that would wait until
he had an Audience and then he would
spring a Good One on the Better Half.
For example. he thought It was great
Sport 10 tell how she would do a Sheri-
dams Ride to a Department Store. just
as if she was going to sweep the shelves,
and after she got there she would have
Tracy. the Blonde. show her all the
Spring Importations, after which she
would buy a Dimity for cents and about
a Nickel's worth OF Yelling and have them
delivered on a Rush Order She was a
regular Hawk on spotting Bargain Sales,
aud the Monologue Artist that lived with
her used 20 tell his Friends that she
would claw her way into a Jam OF Wo-
men ara scrap like an Amazon TO cap
ture ono of the marked-down Remnants.
The Husband lectured her about chas-
ing around from Store to Store. annoying
the Statesmen, blocking up the Aisles,
paving all kinds OF Expensive Materials
and criticising the Merchandise, finally
ducking away without even showing the
Color OF her Money. He said Woman
would take one Of these undersized Va
Uses containing q Powder Pun, a Chew
OF Gum, a Glove Fastener. a Clipping that
told how 20 cure Sun-Burn and just
enough Car-Fare to land her back Home
The Savannah morning news., 1901-05-26

the Starboard, her frizzes had straight
ened out on her and the Belt Buckle was
scrougea around until ii had her facing
sideways. Here was a Grand Opening
for the Humorous Husband, so he fell
back on his Stock Joke
And what has little Angel-Face been
running down to-day?" he asked. Did
Sunshine buy Paper of Pins or a nice
Eleven. Cent Coil of Black Braid?"
init" she replied stopping short and
turning the Macker~l Eye on him. "You
have io'jed me so often that l have turn
ed over a New Leaf. ] knew how you
hated 20 lave me price Goods, and then
pUsa them back so to-day nothing went
back. l have bought six Embroidered
Shn,-W Waists Lace Parasol. p Yards
of Silka,orum that looks ike SILK and
wears better, and a lot OF Articles that
you wouldn't know what they were IL
told you the Names. Your little Bird
didn't iaake any Water Haul to-day,
can premise you that, and if you think l
am strlnRing you. wait until you get the
Statement ! ran IL up to an even Hun
dred, so that you would not have 10
bother with any Small Change.
She W. 'ted for HIM to Rally, but he
gaven no sign OF returning to the Scratch.
so she sought her own Room. leaving
him all Flattened out.
MORAL. AS long as she is Happy,
don't compel her TO spend more Money.
The Savannah morning news., 1901-05-26

--Managsr.-I am sorry that you wish
to resign. What Is the trouble7
star--It Is too much OF a strain on me
to try to live up TO the salary your press
agent says gets-Baltimors American.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10
HOW COLD IS IcEr
Frozen Water Is Much WarmeR In
Summer Than In Winter.

frozen Water Is Much WarmeR In
Summer Than In Winter.
Is ice any colder in winter than In
GUNNER? Most people suppose not. They
understand that ice is ice and cannot be
any colder or warmer.
If a thermometer is buried in Ice In
summer, it will indicate 80 degrees. II
you throw a piece of ice into boiling wa
ter and leave it there till 1t is almost
gone, what is left will still be at 80 de-
grees. Ice can never be got above that
temperature.
But while ice can never be warmed
above 80 degrees, it will go as much be-
low that as the weather does. An ice
man delivering ice one zero day in Janu-
airy was asked whether bis ice was any
colder than in July. He thought not; but,
as matter of fact, piece of summer
Ice, if he had had it, would have been
something of foot warmer for him, as
it would have been 80 degrees warmer
than the air of the bottom of his wagon.
Mixing salt with ice makes it much
cooler. The ice In an ice cream freezer
goes down to about zero. This is why
the point zero on our common thermom-
eters was fixed where it is. 1t was sup
pOSGu " DS l1S AONSsl punt WHICH SOuAO
be reached by artificial means. Since
then we have reached about 383 degrees
below zero by chemical processes.
Ice will cool down with everything else
on cold night to zero or below. What
should prevent it? On day when 1t Is
just freezing block of iron and block
of ice outdoors will stand at 80 degrees.
If the weather grows warmer, the iron
will warm up with the weather, but the
ice will stay at 80 degrees and melt away.
But if the weather grows colder the iron
and ice will cool off, too, and one just as
much as the other.
AS the ice grows colder 1t gets harder
and more brittle. There can be no
hickory bend" on the skating pond on a
zero day, for ice is then too brittle. Sliv-
ers of ice dipped in liquid air become so
hard that they will cut glass. Water
thrown on ice In the arctic regions will
shiver it like pouring boiling water upon
cold glass. This is because the ice Is so
much colder than the water.-New York
Sun
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10
HOUSEHOLD HINTS.

1t is claimed that oil of sassafras will
keep little red ants out of sugar and cake
boxes, iceboxes, safes, cupboards and
other places where food is kept.
If your room seems damp, distribute
salt in shallow bowls about In places
where it will not be conspicuous, and an
improvement will be shortly noticed.
When the floors are to be mopped, add
to each pail of warm water two table
spoonfuls of carbolic acid. 1t leaves the
wood in a sweet and healthy condition.
If flannel cloth dipped in kerosene,
then wrung dry, be used In rubbing off
dirty finger marks from paint, the CRATE
full housekeeper will repeat the expert
ment often.
A cupful of vinegar placed In an open
basin on the stove while cabbage, cauli-
flower, onions or fish are cooking will
permeate the kitchen with its aroma and
do away with unpleasant odors.
One of the reasons why mirrors spot
and blur is that they are placed where a
strong light falls upon them. They
should be arranged so as to have the
light come to them from the sides.
Ferns used on the dining table should
not be kept there except during meal
time. They require more light than it is
possible for them to get in most dining
rooms to keep the soil from souring.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10

The custom of wearing mustaches die
not prevail in France until the reign Of
Louis Philippe when it became obliga
tory in the whole French army. In Eng
land the mustache was worn by hussars
after the peace of 1915, and it was not
until the close of the Crimean war that
English civilians as well as English sol
diers in general wore hair on the lip.
Shortly after the mustache came into
favor among gentlemen Horace Mayhem
was passing through an English country
town, and was Immediately noted and
followed by a small army of children, who
pointed to his lip and called out de-
risively:
Hes got whiskers under his snoutl
He's got whiskers under his snout"
For long time the mustache was the
subject of raillery, even after it was be
coming common, and the famous carica-
turist, Leech, printed in Punch picture
of two old fashioned women who, when
they were spoken to by bearded railway
guards, fell on their knees and cried out:
''Take all we have, gentlemen, but
spare our ivesW
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10
TEE LAST IS FIRST.

The liver is sluggish because the ston-
ach is diseased. The kidneys are dis
ordered because the stomach and Its al
lied organs of digestion and nutrition
are Uweak and cannot supply adequate
nutrition for the needs Of the body.
How do we know this1 Because In so
many cases, persons who had suffered
with disease Of heart, liver, lungs, kid
ueys, ETC., have found these diseases en-
tirely cured, when Dr. Pierce's Golden
Medical Discovery has cured diseases of
the stomach and the other organs of di-
gestion and nutrition.
vI was afflicted with what the doctors
called nervous indigestion. Took med
icine from my family physician to no
avail. In looking over one Of Doctor
Pierce's Memorandum Books" writes
Mr.. Thos. G. Lever, of Lever, Rchland
Co., s. c., III found nay case described
exactly. wrote to you and made
statement. You sent me a descriptive
list OF questions, also hyglenic rules.
carried these out as best could, but
thought myself incurable as suffered so
much with pain under my RIBS and an
empty feeling In my stomach. At night
would have cold or hot feet and hands
alternately. / was getting very nervous
and suffered great deal mentally, think
ing that death would soon claim me. AL
ways expected something unusual to
take place; was irritable and impatient,
and greatly reduced In flesh. / could
scarcely eat anything that would not
produce bad feeling In my stomach.
After some hesitation, owing to my
prejudices against patent medicines, I
decided to try few bottles of Doctor
Pierce's Golden Medical Discovery and
Pellets After taking several bottles
OF each, found was improving. con-
tinued for six months or more, off and
on. have to be careful yet at times, of
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10

When horse picks up nail in his foot
what does the driver do? Does he whip
the limping, tagging animal and force him
along2 Not unless he wants to ruin the
horse At the first sign of lameness he
jumps down, examines the foot and care
fully removes the cause lameness. What
is called weak stomach" is like the lame
ness of the horse, only to be cured by re-
moving the cause of the trouble. If you
stimulate the stomach with whisky med
icines" you keep 1t going, but every day
the condition is growing worse. A few
doses sometimes of DIR. Pierce's Golden
Medical Discovery will put the disordered
stomach and its allied organs of digestion
and nutrition in perfect condition Nine
tyeight times in every hundred Golden
Medical Discoyey" will cure the worst
ailments originating in diseases of the
stomach 1t always helps. 1t almost al
ways cures. To cure constipation use DR..
Pierce's Pleasant Pellets They're sure.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10

A number Of years ago Castle Rising
in the eastern part of England, was {
fourishing borough, returning two mem
bers to parliament and possessing may
or, one Wakefield, "a character" whC
might have stepped out of a novelist''
gallery.
On one occasion the bearer of some
election dispatches arrived in hot haste
at Rising and asked for the mayor.
Wakefield was engaged in the exercise
of his high calling. which happened to bt
that of thatcher. He was matching q
barn. On hearing that his presence was
required he sent message to the dis
patch bearer to this effect:
IF it's John Wakefield that he wants
to see, I'll come down at once. II it's
the mayor of Rising he has business
with, he must come up here to me-"
And on the roof of that barn in Area
dy the mayor received the dispatches
with dignity beftting his position, Off
cial and otherwise.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10

"Sir," he said to the manager of the
store, II want to warn you against that
clerk at the ribbon counter. l under
stand he has wife In the east and left
her ON account of his bad habits, and his
character, sir, his character
The visitor became emphatic and ex-
cited
81 beg your pardon" interrupted the
manager. "You were saying something
about his character"
"Well, sir, they say
"Ah, quite a difference, my dear sir;
quite a difference. My friend, such peo-
pie as you may establish a reputation for
man, but you can't touch his character.
A mans character is what he is; his rep
utation is what people say he is. Good
day, sir"
And the young man at the ribbon count
er just kept on working and didn't feel a
breeze.-Denver Times.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10

Sir Walter Raleigh seems to have had
a pretty taste in stimulants, to judge
by his cordial water" the recipe for
which is copied from cookbook near
ly 300 years old. This is how Sir Wal
ter concocted his fayorite drink:
'"Take gallon Of strawberries and
put them into a pint of aqua vitae
(brandy). Let them stand so four or
five days. Strain them gently out and
sweeten the water as you please with
fine sugar or else with perfume"
Queen Elizabeth was exceedingly
fond Of perfumes, and, according to
this old book, her favorite scent was
made in this manner: '"Take eight
spoonfuls of compound water, the
weight of twopence in fine powdered
sugar and boil it on hot embers or Goals
softly. Add half an ounce of sweet
marjoram, dry it in the sun, the weight
Of twopence Of powdered benjamin
(benzoinD. This perfume is very good
and sweet for the time"
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10
Arundel Castle.

The most singlar circumstance about
Arundel castle Is that its owner, by
mere right of ownership, is Earl of
Arundel in the peerage of England. 1t
is believed that there Is no similar ex-
ample of peerage held on such condi-
lions. Apparently there would be no
legal obstacle, were the house of How
ard to fall upon evil days and the cas-
tie be sold to some millionaire, to pre-
vent the millionaire taking his seat in
the house of lords as Earl of Arundel.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1901-09-10

''Yes," said young Mr.. Bashful to his
best girl, "the stock market has been
through considerable excitement of
late"
"Oh, yes" the girl responded, eager to
take part In conversation on a topic
which interested her Adolphus. Il
have read lot about it in the paper
all about those dreadful bulls and
bears and things"
"Yes," Adolphus went on; ''they got
the shorts in a corner and effectually
squeezed them"
"Did theyT
"Yes."
II think" the demure maid added,
after few minutes meditation, that
If ever I become a Spectator shall be
a short"
A few minutes later she found it was
not necessary to speculate in stock In
order to be treated as "short. Pitts
burg Commercial Gazette.