The Irish standard., 1901-10-12

out to the kitchen, only to return
empty-handed. maybe you've got
some beef and cabbage and a goose
berry tart?" "Sure we have, SIR" ex-
claimed the waiter, in tone Of the ut
most relief, and he fairly flew out to
the kitchen.
They met in the narrowest aisle of
the department store. They were both
very stout and Immediately traffic
was blocked in both directions. Their
conversation, geographically reported,
was as follows: "Why, Mrs. Jones.
how dye do?" GLOW dye do, Mrs.
Smith? Who would have thought of
seeing you?" Eyes; 1 haven't seen
you for ages" "Well, why don't you
come up some timer" ooh, it seems
as though 1 never go anywhere any
more" Eyes, you always say that"
"But, really, 1 don't. Why don't you
come down?" give been on the point
of coming several times but it always
seems as though something always
happens to prevent it," "Well, make
another effort. I'm just dying to have
good long talk with you" Eyes,
so am l. Do come and see me-" II
will. And you come up, too," eyes,
WILL" "Now don't forget" mo,
won't" "Well, good-by." "Good-by.''
chats the way with women" grunt-
ed redhaired man who had been try
ing to squeeze through. '"They never
expect to call on each other, and they
know it,"
ut makes me tired to see the man.
ner in which these newspapers are
rum" said the man in the smoking
compartment as he took off his glasses
and let his paper drop across his knees.
The man who sat next to him had
one lock Of harlan oasis in a desert
of scalp-which he spent most of the
time in smoothing refectively.
II s'pose," he said, slowly, that you
could give 'em all points? 2"
''I'm sure of it. Couldn't you?"
NO. 1 don't think 1 could"
"Do you mean to say that you
couldn't tell the editor how to run his
paper?" exclaimed the man who had
spoken first, in tone that had abso-
lutte dismay in it.
Il do, indeed" replied the man with
the oasis, earnestly.
well l must say there are not
many like YOU"
81 know it. 1 used to be like YOU
But now I'm trying to run a news.
paper myself, and I tell you, my
friend. I'm not saying word; not a
word"
Young Wife-This talk about men
being so impatient when Il woman is
getting ready to go anywhere is all
nonsense. Friend-Doesn't your hus-
band complain at all? Young Wife
No, indeed! Why, last evening I could
not find my gloves and had long hunt
for half dozen other things, and yet
when I was finally dressed and Went
down stairs to my husband there he
was by the fire reading and smoking
as calmly as if I wasn't half an hour
late. Friend-Well, 1 declare! Where
were you going? Young Wife-To
prayer meeting.
A dapper young negro applied at the
treasury department for a position just
as the reporter Of the Washington Star
happened along. "What can you do?"
asked one of the secretaries. "Any-
hing, sab, anything" "What state are
you from?" He drew himself up
proudly. "I'm from the first state in
the Union, sah." "New York?' "No,
sab; Alabama, sah." "But Alabama
isn't the first state in the Union
Alphabetically speaking, sab; alpha
betically speaking
"The only objection" said the stern
parent, 81 have against the young man,
my dear child, is that he has no noble
ambition-no high or worthy object In
life"
"Why, papa, how can you say that?
He wants me!'
eff I stand on my head all the
blood rushes to my head, doesn't it?"
No one ventured to contradict him.
"Now," he continued. triumphantly,
"When stand on my feet, why doesn't
the blood all rush into my feet?"
BECAUSE" replied neighbor, 'your
feet are not empty"
The decorated general of Venezuela
and the ornamented general of the
United States Of Colombo met under
4 flag Of truce. "Shall we flght?" els
that not what we are here for?' "But
I hear rumors that the United States
Of America will intervene" "Ah, If
the rumor is correct, we would better
join forces. Will intervention be
brought about on the grounds Of hui
manity?" $50 understand" "Then
wisdom dictates that we make friends,
Remember Cuba"
Look here. Sir" said the irate GUS
toner to the Diapers assistant; 'you
sold me this piece Of goods warranted
fast color. 1t was green when l