The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1901-05-30
The Too Literal Secretary.
AZ Interesting war story.
IFrom the Chicago Tribune.l


years or more the general had beeQ a
captain of commissary at various posts
in the western part of the United
states, and often he had taken long
trains of wagons loaded with supplies
across n lies Of sage bush plains crossed
by deep rivers. Sometimes the wagons
would sink to the hubs in the deep
soft mud of the river banks and the
feryid oratory required to persuade the
hard hearted army mules to use their
best endeavors in pulling the army
wagons out of that mud had made the
general a past master in the science
of applied swearing
So on this particular occasion, when
he lifted up his voice in the town OF
Joykeen and said things, the air around
about fairly trembled and the Chinese
woman who was keeping house Tor the
officers mess down the street hurriedly
pulled down all the blinds and hastily
shut the doors.
where is my secretary 1 want my
secretary" roared the general
why you know, sir" said his chief
of staff in conciliatory tones, that your
secretary is i'll and I have had man
detailed from company G Of the sixty
first. He was a stenographer before ne
work satisfactorily
Send him heret' roared the general.
Send him here while I dictate a letter
that will curl monkeys hair. I tell
posed of gentlemen, and that these
swine cannot insult US with immunity.
I'll show them They have insulted this
army They have insulted the flag we
carry, sir. They have insulted the
whole American people I'll reply to
their note. That lOng-eared jackass-
That pack mule. That sway backed
broncho. Talk to me like that
You know, general. said the chief
Of staff, meekly, that things are in
rather delicate position, and that a lit
tie ill-advised, although well warranted.
action on your part might brings
affairs to a crisis. If you will permit
me- would advise that your letter be
extremely guarded and diplomatic in
tone
"rn diplomatic EN-" shouted the
secretary?"
The chief of STAFF retreated, for he
well knew that his time for action
came later on. The general always
tary, and then the secretary, who had
been with the general for years, and
the chief of staff would revise and ex-
purgate what the general had dictated
and send a letter which. while it
breathed all the frmness and elearness
of the general, lacked the extreme can
dor and lurid adjectives which were so
eminently characteristic OF the gen.
erals western campaign experience.
The old secretary was so accustomed
to the general that he never expressed
the slightest surprise at the most
astonishing explosives that the general
correspondence. The general, too, in
long years had learned to put the most
implicit confidence in his chief of staff
and his secretary. He rejOiced that ne
could say what he pleased when die
tating a letter, yet there were never
disastrous consequences. He knew that
although he could fully relieve his pent-
up passions and dictate a letter to
those that had incurred his anger that
would as he expressed it, curl their
hair" and vet no one could ever say
that a letter that bore the generals
name was ever eOuched in other than
the most polite and scholarly language.
That was because the chief of staff and
the secretary revised and edited the
generals correspondence with such ex-
quisite care.
When the private soldier who had
been detailed to act as the generals
was sick had come in and saluted, the
general pointed to table and COM
manded: "Sit down. Take this letter"
The soldier sat down He tren bled
for he was only a private, and
had never before been brought into
such close contact with generals.
Start the letter." commanded the
''Yessir." said the private. hurriedIy
placing his paper before him and wav
ing a pencil above It who is it to,
sir 2''
IT'S to the biggest jackass in this
forsaken country. Zonowitchky is his
name. You know who mean, boy.
That Russian general"
Nicholas Zonowitchky. I think his
name is, sir" said the private hesitat-
Eyes. that's it. Wen, then, address T.
to General Nicholas Flaskowhisky, or
whatever his name is. Put. IN com
mand of Russian troops at Joykeen-'
Confound him! I'd like to take a shot at
him. He's crazy. Crazy as a March
know it. If ! had a pie-faced mustang
that didn't have more sense in a minute
than he's got in a. year I'd take the mus
tang down and throw him in the river.
Tell him so. I mean it. Tell him I'll
make what double blessed disposition
of my troops that please. Tell him to
run his own fea-bitten coffee-cooIers
and leave my business alone. Tell him
to shave of his Whislxers and soak his
head three times a day, and get some
body to chase him around a ten acre
lot with a ball bat"
The general was warmed UP to his
work by this time and he was fairly /
surprising himself. The new secretary 1
trembled at the vigorous adjectives that
punctuated the generals dictatiOn, but |
he was a soldier whose first idea was n F,
implicit obedience of orders and So |
while he was appalled, at the letter nc |
was writing, which was to be sent to the I
Russian commander, he could do moth |
ing but put down what the general d. |
rected.
Tell the double-dashed fool to put out 1
his chest and brace up. Tell him to do a i
few stunts himself before he talks to his |
betters," screamed the general. TELL |
that tripled, quadrupled. conglomeration
of idiocy that he ought to be put into
feeble-minded asylum for life Tell him
J wouldn't give him job backing
boots. He hasn't the sense to curry a
blind mule Tell him SO; tell him So
Tell him I said that if ever catch him
outside of his own lines I'll black his
ewes and throw his front teeth in the
river. Tell him to better humanity by
kindly Falling off the earth That's all
And sign my name when you're done