The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1901-02-17
A MESSAGE From Mars.

Mars takes advantage OF wireless telcS-
rIphy to advise the inhabitants of Earth
pf the conditions Of those who dwell ana
have their being on a superior planet. In
.ho first place, it is proper to state that
he people Of Mars being blessed with
keener sight, as well as having their other
senses correspondinEly maguitied, are not
nearly 50 ignorant Of the doings Of those
who dwell on Earth as are the inhabi-
tants of the latter planet concerning the
advantages and disadvantages of resi-
dence on Mars.
So vastly different are things-customs,
laws, amusements, dress and what not
on Mars. that it is quite puZzling to find
proper place TO begin explanations. the
occupation of Mars is of comparatively re-
cent date, and its inhabitants are princi-
pally people who have reached here from
Earth through a process Of progressive
salvation. The present government Is oil
a very agreeable kind, and is styled
social democracy. 1t was established by
the more recent arrivals from your planet
vino were followers of one Bellamy. THESE
fellows. who. for awhile were designated
as rebels, insurgents, invaders. etc, after
much agitation and a short and decisive
resort to arms. overthrow the then eN-
listing order of things and fashioned the
benciicent organization under which We
now find such happiness.
II has afforded the MaTtians much
amusement of late years to observe the
strenuous efforts the astronomers Of Earth
have been making by the combined use OF
their feeble eyes and hardly less feeble APP
p5ratJs to determine something more
definite concerning our ways. For We be
il understood. have no din, ulty. ~ the
aid of ore Of our ordinary field glasses, in
determining what is going On upon our
neiEhboI planet. Earth, ana the customs
ana usages in vogue there, which. were il
not for the sympathy We feel. would be
very amusing. indeed.
As Kansas City is unques ticnably the
brightest spot on your terrest rial bail. OF
course our attention is often paTticul lry
centred there. And before | 90 furi her,
permit me, parenthetically and on behalf
of our prominent people. to congratulate
the citizens of Kansas City upon their
splendid enterprise, especially those who
had the proud distinction OF building and
then rebuilding your Convention Hall.
That idea of having glass walls in the first
one was particularly happy one-for us
BY The aid of strong glasses we were en-
abied to penetrate even those OPAQUE
panes and to witness all that happened
within, some of your social functions and
minstrel entertainments being noticeably
brilliant.
One of your customs. that of divorce
has caused US no end of merriment, ana
has been the subject of burlesque At our
places of amusement for long while Dc
icate matter In Imagiana? We'll, We pre-
vent il. We are a nation of automatics,
and the adjustment of all domestic irreg-
ularities is effected by machinery. When
a husband leaves his home in the morning
he is supplied by his beloved with an au-
tomato registering device called the love-
meter. This is locked securely TO his per-
son, so that he cannot even rub it of
against lamp post. This instrument. the
use of which the law compels, exactly reg
listers the strength of affections of the per-
son wearing it. and indicates all its iiuc-
tuations. so that the husband or wife Is
always aware of the exact strength of the
love the one bears the other. Should this
instrument at any time indicate a less
amount of affection than the minimum
fixed by law the other party to the nuptial
contract is legally entitled to papers of
separation until such time as the Offend
ing rerson can prove to the courts that his
or her affections have returned TO their
wonted strength. No divorce is allowed
and no person can legally marry another
during the periods OF temporary separa-
ton. Our wise law makers knew that
many OF the so-called domestic tragedies
are the merest baby play.
Each married person is also compelled
by law to wear saccharineograph the Of
fee of which is TO tell tales. Should a
husband so far stray from the straight
and narrow path as 10 Steal purloin, or
otherwise surreputiously obtain a kiss
this automatic instrument Immediately
registers the loss of his saccharine
strength. and, his wife having kept a
strict record of the Indications of his
saccharineograph phi. may know Immediately
upon his return home that he has been
false to his vows that she is the only
ever In vain may he protest that he has
wasted his sweetness on the desert air
The wife wears a like instrument and the
husband also keeps record, and its
about ''hoss and boss" to borrow one of
your smart sayings.
One of the things which have long puz-
Zled your astronomers about US are those
large, dark. parallel lines which are so
dimly seen through your tiny telescopes.
Let me tell you about those lines, for /
am sure ali the ladies will be interested
in knowing, as well as many of your men.
Those lines are the government flower
beds. You should know. although | am
afraid Il will make you envious that a
basket of rare flowers, roses or whatever
one may choose. is delivered by carrier at
each house daily without cost and with
out trouble, much the same as mail is de-
livered in your cities. to be used either for
decorating ones house or person. 1t is a
part Of the government plan. As our tenn
perature varies but little the year round.
flowers are never scarce and are of the
most vailed and pleasing kind imagina BILE.
And then your Churchesi Well that Is
the most puZZling thing about the earth
40 the inhabitants of Mars. Some Of our
wise men pretend to know a great deal
about 1t and are accustomed to meet to-
gether TO discuss the matter learnedly and
SclcntulcdilN, Dut Il great zeal OF science
is humbug. We understand that your peo-
pie are divided into great many
branches. or what do you call them-sects?
and that some differences of opinion have
broken asuuder the tie of unity that
should bind all in common worship of a
common deity. II Is most strange and we
here are given to hoping that ultimately
these differences Of yours concerning such
a vital matter will be amicably settled and
| that your people, like ours. will have but
one belief II may be that, living as We
do. closer 10 the source of light anG grace
and having, perhaps in consequence an
enlightened Intelligence. we are less trol1-
bled about the whenceness or the what
| ness Of things temporal and spiritual.
Our costumes are mainly OF white ma
! tcrial. as the seasons change so little tina
such dress is pleasant ali the year round
| Each person is supplied with several
| changes of raiment daily, all being made
and paid for by the government, which
| paternal institution also cleanses our gar
ments and returns them without cost
| Why IL is ! do not know, unless this Is the
| POpulist heaven. 1t Is a part of the gov.
! ernmcnt plan. Likewise all houses arc
| built and furnished by the government
| The only service required of us is that We
| devote our time TO the cultivation of our
| minds and bodies. work of pleasure IN
which no one seems to lack interest.
But surely some one must do the work
hear you say. lis a timely question
| With us. as with you, fortunately or un.
| fortunately as you please. there arc
masses and classes The serving class
| here are those who. while living on Earth
| were non-progressive. obstructionist
| type moss-backs | believe they were
| called. Some of the more hopeless speci.
| mems are tattooed in a peculiar manner
| having hammer-andpadlo design
| worked with indelible ink into their skina
| The ruling class confidently hope for life
| beyond-heaVen; but Mars Is the end OF
| t.ie mossback. 1t Is generally conceded
| that he was mighty lucky to get thug far
| He must work necessarily and sell all OF
| his products 10 the government. ard 81