The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-01-30
oaosoaoaosoaoaoaoaoaOao ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
THE SURPRISE OF
OLD NEWT PAGAN
acknowledgements ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
BY Hayden Carruth.

~ 10y hoyuS
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sAvING observed one day in the
local news of an exchange that
a man named Pagan had been
elected to some office (the Legislature,
probably, and recalling that former
citizen of Sentinel Butte mad porne
this somewhat unusual and sinister
patronymic, consulted Mr.. Milo Bush,
who happened in OPPORTUNITY, as to the
probability of his being the same in
dividual Without making the least at
tempt to gather the details Mr.. Bush
instantly answered that he was, and
went on to profess much qualification
at once more hearing of his former
townsman, old Newt Pagan-Newton
w. Pagan. / stopped him with the
remark that this Pagan was named
James Henry, and must, therefore, be
an entirely different heather. MI.
Bush met this with characteristic
calmness.
This here Pagan, he said in a con-
elusive tone, as if the matter might
as well be settled for all time, was
too busy a man to know what his
name was If you'd called him Mary
Jane Mehitable Pagan he'd never took
the trouble to set you right. Prob bly,
when he struck this town where he is
now he didn't have time to tell what
his name was, so they called him
James Henry by guess. Anyhow, it's
the same man-just femme tell you
bout that man Pagan" and forthwith
at it he went in a steady, solemn
manner which clearly indicated his
firm belief that my time could not pc
better employed.
The enterpriSingest man, Newt Pa
gan was, continued Mr.. Bush. Always
at something hammer and tongs.
Might be running barber SHOP today,
and mebby tomorrow you'd find his
chairs and looking glasses and bay
rum bottles and illustrated papers piled
on the sidewalk with a For Sale"
sign ON 'em, and inside Newt would
have a meat market going full blast,
a chrome with every mutton chop and
bologna sausage ten cents yard. The
next week he'd start stage line, or
get the agency for zinc tombStuns, or
something And all the time talking
politics, worrying bout the national
debt-held twas a shame it wasn't
paid, and said he was ready to chip In
his share any day.
Queer thing how families differ.
Had an uncle on his mothers side who
lived here named Shumway-Sid
Shumway. He wouldn't never work.
Fine old gent in most ways, but didn't
see the necessity of work. Great man
for other folks chickens. Hooked 'em
right and left Hens all over town got
on to him, and when they seen him
coming long the street they'd stick up
their heads, just like this, and go
"gwuar- that way
down in their threats, and the little
chickens would run and hide In the
grass, same's when hawks around.
Good many folks used to take their
chickens in nights and put 'em under
the bed SOS to save 'em. Funny in
the morning to see the hens applying
one eye to the winders to see if old
Sid was around yet. Old Sid's back
yard was a sight to behold-chicken
feathers a foot deep. Tramps used to
go there to sleep. Might "a burnt the
feathers, but just didn't care. If you
spoke to him bout it he'd look you
right in the eye-never let on a thing.
"Pecooliar how all the chickens in
town come to my premises to moult, .
| he'd say, coos white bear; must be
some powerful attraction"
Finally we seen something had to be
| done. The thing become public scam
dial. The children begun to talk about
it. Ononermous man signing himself
'Vox Poppeleye" writ a poem for the
Expositor headed, 1.-The Chicken Hawk
of the Nights Dark Hour" So we ria
the old man on a rail-
Well, Newt Pagan had another rela-
tive-cousin-Jim feathers. Great
hand to invent things. Got up what
he called the Western Travellers Pre-
servative. Party told you to throw up
your hands. You throwed 'em. Strings
down your sleeves. Pistols in side
pockets. Pop Party shot. Jim al
ways wore one himself. Hat bowed
off Throwed up his hands. Winged
a Chinaman.
Then Newt had nephew named
Harvey Pincholdt, who never wore a
hat, and could sing bass and sopran-
! ner, and betwixt, and-but I amt tell
| ing bout his family, but bout Newt
| himself. Powerful sot ag'in furriners,
as 1 said. Couldn't abide 'em. Said
! they Slapped the life-blood of the land
and made the national debt bigger.
Well, one day Newt would have a
millinery store, and the next he'd hang
! out. a sign, VETERINARY Surgeon
Cows, Hosses, Dorgs and Furriners
1 Treated at Bedrock Prices" Couldn't
never miss a chance to take a whack
at the furriners.
/ It run along and pretty soon a man
named Culpepper opened a grocery
store. Newt was running a lumber
y
] ton, at the time, an he got quite
/ friendly with Culpepper, and started
/ an account, and reckoned he'd get his
winters groceries that way, and pay
| in the spring, when he expected TO
start boring artesian wells with ma
chine his cousin had invented. Always
getting up something new, that Jim
/ feathers was. Got a patent on the
| Feathers Telescope Church Steeple,
| that slid together like a spyglass and
could be pulled down out of the way
! weekdays. One day Culpepper hired
a clerk named Ole Olson. Furriner
from some of them Scandinavian coun-
tries. Furrinest furriner you ever seen
White hair, and sky-bloo eyes, and a
hair-trigger grin and lot OF teeth
Big! he was-all out of proportion to
| the other folks in town, and the build
ings and everything. Been working on
the railroad setting out telegraph poles
used to pick up a pole and r'ar it W
in the air and drop it down in the hole
! and jounce it up and down like as II
he was churning.
When Newt went into the store and
seen Ole he was the maddest man you
ever heard of. "See here, Culpepper
says he, that's a fine old native Am
erican citizen you got there, amt it!
Colonial DAME amt hep
"Mebby," says Culpepper, doubtful
What's his name?" says Newt
"Ole Olson" says Culpepper, sober