The Sunday globe., 1901-05-19
RING THE BELL !
The Clerks of the Registry Division
of the Post Office
FINED FOR LOUD SNEEzNG

A System Of Petty Persecution lnaugurated
by Superintendent ksmpnsr-Ths Mystery Of
the Disposition Of Tho Fines-What Becomes
Of Them, etO.
: Mr.. Louis Kempner, formerly inspector
in Porto Rico for the Postoffice Depart
ment is now, and has been for some time,
Superintendent Of the Registry Depart
ment OF the City Post Office. To state
that Mr.. Kempner is a popular official
would be fracturing one of the command
ments his fellow countryman, Moses,
brought down from Sinai, for Mr.. Kemp
ner is an orthodox Jew who will not eat
fat pork raw, and has never, therefore,
carried a musket and sixty rounds of
ammunition for Uncle Sam. Neverthe-
less Mr.. Kempner is patriotic, and stands
by the old flag and the annual appropri-
alton by Congress of the estimates for
the public service, including the salaries
of the employees of the Postoflice De-
partment. These salaries, in 50 far as
they appertain or cover the pay roll of
the registry department, have been Mr..
Kempners careful study. He has walk
ed the floor nights devising and evolving
some feasible plan by which they could
be reduced little and Uncle Sam he no
richer by the reduction. This was a
hard problem to solve, for it appears to
mathematically follow that if the Gov
ernment pays few dollars less every
month to each of its employees, there
will be that much more surplus for the
Secretary of the Treasury to announce to
Of r,tnl,1fa in fhp vanilla of tho
many million dollar buildings Of which
he has the-portfolio.
Mr.. Kempner found solution at five
minutes to midnight soon after assum-
ing the duties of his office. He drafted
from the ineXhaustible resources of his
gigantic intellect a system Of fines and a
list of offenses which he proposed to en-
force whether this country was going to
remain republic or go over to Edward
VII, body, breeches, John Hay, and the
Victorian eulogist of the Times, 1t is
perhaps inaccurate to state enforce the
ofionses; "imag gine'' was the word we
wanted, but couldn't connect with it
the graceful flow of our syntax without
damage to its rythm and smoothness.
From Mr.. Kempner's list of ofienses,
for which the penalty of 81 is exacted
when one is committed by one of the
clerks in the registry department, we
quote a few samples:
Sneezing with the exclamation attached
of "a-s-o-h-el !" 81.
Leaving the Office tor the toilet room
without ringing bell, %. This in a fair
ratio with the sneezing fine ought to be
at least g, as cheese is cheap.
Returning to the office from the toilet
room and neglecting to-ring the bell
81. If in this ofIense emitting to 'pull
the string" was incl uded, the fine might
go without objections from The Globe.
Failing to smile and look pleased
when Mr.. Kempner jumps on any one
of the employees, 81, This is a just fine,
and calls for no criticism, as the clerks
are appointed for the special purpose of
kow towing, crawling, squirming, and
salaming TO their chief
There are numerous other offences, of
course, which the clerks cannot and must
not help committing, so as to bring the
aggregate fines on pay day up to figure
respectable enough to attract Mr., Kemp
ner's attention.
Now, the disposition made of these fines
is what is worrying the clerks, instead Of
the easiest and most expeditions manner
of illustrating Kempner with cuts-of
their silent contempt; for the filthy lucre,
it is alleged, is equally divided between
the Salvation Army and the Sunday
preachers on the Avenue; not syna-
gogue in Washington eets penny oil
1.-THE Globe guarantees Mr.. Kempner
in this particular.
Bnt what becomes of these fines in
reality, for it is mere pasquinade to ac-
cept the fairy story that they are disposed
OF as stated.
Who authorized Mr.. Kempner to origi-
nate such a practice, and in what penal
institution are such rules or otfenses
copied from2 Will the Government
clerk submit finally to wearing hair on
one side of his head only, sho.dd some
capncious Jew or Gentle chef take II
into his Uranium TO issue an order to that
effect2
How much petty persecution anyhow
will a department clerk endure from an
empty headed, bull-nosed chief without
getting drunk and his mad upp
This man Kempner ought to be
promptly called down by the higher
authorities, as the public want no more
tragedies in the departments such as
recently occurred, where one of natures
nobleman deliberately sacrificed himself
for the good of the public service in es-
tablishing the fact, which had apparently
been overlooked, forgotten, or never
believed in, viz, that Government clerks
had feelings and souls, and resented, like
clerks in the employment of sovereign
states, oppression in office.
Meantime. leta strict accounting of the
II k,l 1. L ~ l,a hoh
and the money, if it can be found or
recovered, paid back to the men from
whom it was exacted. If there are en-
ployees TO whom bells must be attached
to secure their efficiency, let them be
dropped from the public service. Dis
charge, but do not degrade, theinefficient
clerk.
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