The Sunday globe., 1901-07-14
PUNKTOWN CELEBRITIES.

(From our special correspondent
Many people have overlooked Punk
town, but it is on the map all right,
though off the trolley. The census
takers were around here last summer
trying to count folks, and to find out
how old they think uney are, and how
long they mean to stay on earth. If
anybody hesitated to answer the ques-
tlons that the Government asked her
neighbors would help her out because
the neighbsrs are always better posted
on other peoples business than are the
people themselves. Deacon Skinfish
will find Uncle Sans report of what
his nigh neighbors think of him mighty
warm reading on a cold winters night,
If he sees it.
Among the public questions now up
for discussion is, How to cross the
Shenandoah bridge without paying toll
or getting shot, There does not seem
to be any safe alternative. The bridge
is there, and the river is right under
it, and the highway-man sits at the
gate and takes your money to save
your funeral expenses. He is known
as captain Cinch. Local history re-
lates that he defended Punktown from
the Northern Army on two separate oe-
casions, and once threatened to march
on Washington, but was discouraged
by Mcclellan, who advised him to 60
back and mind the hen-roost When
the war closed he opened the bridge.
The man who crossed over without his
permission did not survive the circum-
stance. So particulars are scarce. One
party favors burning the bridge when
the Captain isn't looking. The other
party proposes to burn the Captain and
save the bridge A small, conservative
minority advocates burning the river
as a compromise. But that would in
terfere with selling bait to visiting fish
ermen. Baitselling is the principal oc-
cupation of many Punktowners, who
are not otherwise employed. Some say
it is as lucrative as a rural delivery
postmaster. The only civil service re-
qulrement is to put the price on the
gudgeOns and sell them to city suck
ers
A reformed horse thief gave lee
ture last week at the Punktown Audi
torium. The title of his discourse
was, Where to Look for the Lost
hlm in the British Army" The lee
turer claims that misleading farmers
mares is not so profitable as formerly,
the stock being inferior, owing to the
meanness Of the breeders. He admit
ted that there is more money and less
excitement in explaining to farmers
how and why their CRITTERS" are
stolen than in hooking them, Horse
stealing is the one topic that the farm
er understands and likes to have dis
cussed along with "hoss traders" They
all admire David Harum," and want
to walk in his steps.
Another matter of moment with us
Punktowners is now to educate a COW
not to give milk to the wrong passen-
ger. Many cows in good standing, it
seems, make this mistake, and some
thing must be devised to correct the
habit. You can not expect to reform
cuss who would steal milk from an
unsuspecting brindle, so we must get
to work on the COW to prevent such
criminal accidents.
The community is considerably
worked up over street franchises, since
drummer explained to a few leading
spirits that Wanamaker had offered
two or three millions for the privilege
of using the streets Of Philadelphia.
A committee is to be appointed to call
on John w. and offer him any thor
oughfare in Punktewn on easy terms.
If he means business, and knows a
good thing, this will be his golden OPP
portunity.
CoME-ON.