Bismarck daily tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1881-1916, 1901-02-14
DANGER I'm THE BOOK
WHY ONE MAN DREADED. THE CON-
ING INTO CAMP OF A DICTIONARY.

ING INTO CAMP OF A DICTIONARY.
He Dtscreetly Left Before the vocif-
erously A~pp1auded Sentiments He
Expressed In His Speech Gould Re
Analysed a la Webster.
When the son of the president Of the
Big Mountain Lumber company came
Into the mountains to learn the bust
ness, SO to speak, I knew within Is
minutes that he had come to the
wrong place. He was a city chap, new
" graduated and thoroughly out Of
touch with everything mountainous.
he was a bright fellow, however, and
amply capable, only the mountains
were not the field for his development.
As time elapsed his distaste grew, and
1t was all he could do not to express
his opinion Of the mountain people,
their manners, customs, homes, morals
and everything connected with them.
He was wise enough to conhde in me
alone and bided his time to get away
to some more %congenial cline. And
he got away soone than he expected.
1t happened that there was a public
meeting n night at the sawmill shed,
and he was called on to make a few
remarks. Every other man at the
meeting except myself, who acted as
chairman. was of the mountains, aud
their illiterate talk had reused the
young college fellow to the limit. He
Hnw q nh0nan f1 not 1ron IN hiy nr,n
mind at least, and when the call came
for him he responded promptly. His
speech, quite brief, but to the point,
was as follows, copied from his own
manuscript. even the [applause] part:
r. "My friends, l am glad to meet you
On this occasion, for l have wished to
say to you publicly what I think Of
you, though u acquaintance has not
been long. Coming as a stranger
among you, l was only partly prepared
for what. was in store. Now, let me
say to you that half has not been told
me. [Applause.] In the internecine
arena your lethiferous conduct has
artounded me by the trucidation and
decision characterizing it among no
men I have ever known. loud ap-
plause.1 In the diversified field Of
mendacity your efforts would make
Machiaveli take to the tall timber.
IUproarious applause.l In all fura-
cious, raptorial and p%redacious pur-
suits you have done such wonders
that the gifted and great Jonathan
Wild would have felt his ~latrociny
was a sounding brass and his direption
q tinkling cymbal. [Great applause.]
In the broad expanse Of labor your
torpescent oscillation has made you
sui generis among all pandiculate man.
kind. ICheers and shouts Of "Good for
us"l AS good livers, your tables
groan beneath their s~tercoraceous and
impetiginous burden, and as drinkers.
your temulent bibacity has made the
crapulous reputation of Bacchus to be
o sign OF puritanical abstemiousness.
loud applause.] As for yourselves, T
take pleasure in saying here to you,'
without fear, of successful contradic-
ton that your nugacity is forever
established; as observers Of the law,
your aberrance is Psychological, and
personally you are a cohesive concat-
enation of rubigant exuviH, that I
take especial pleasure in believing does
not exist elsewhere on earth. [vocif-
erous applause.l"
When the enthusiasm had cooled
down somewhat, he proceeded to speak
on the subjects before the meeting and
sat down The mountaineers were
pleased to death with the college mans
high flown speech about them, and
though / didn't know the meaning Of
all the big words he used 1 did know
that he had been calling them liars and
murderers and thieves and scoundreis
and drones and lawless drunkards, be-
sides ~conden.ning their fare and anath-
ematizing the lot Of them personally.
But not n of them suspected, and T
was hoping nothing would come of it
and they would forget, even IL any Of
the large. words were remembered,
when one day a book agent drove I'D
to the office in a blackboard and an
snounced that he was selling Websters
Unabridged Dictionary for So a copy
and showed a sample that was as big
as a box Of soap.
Nobody had eve seen so much book
for b money. nor had anybody ever
seen q dictionary in that neighborhood,
and when the agent began to tell what
a valuable thing it was to be in every
family the men became interested, and
1t wasn't long until the agent had sold
rs copies, to be delivered the following
week. When he had gone away with
his sample, / called the young man
into the private Office for consultation.
Don't say a word" he began as
soon as he had closed the door. II
know exactly where l am at, aud
Eli be some place else before Mr.. Web
ster arrives to throw any light on my
recent remarks. / am not shedding
q tears, and in order that the die
tscnary buyers and others may know
just what I think OF them 1 shall leave
two dozen copies Of my speech for dis
gfrfbution on the morning Of my de-
parture.' -=5$&
He did just as be said he would, and
1T raj a good thing for him that he
never came back any more.-W. Z.
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