The Irish standard., 1901-01-26
LAFF AND GRO PLAT.
Facetious Paragraphs to Produce Smiles
and ChuekleS.

Facetious Paragraphs to Produce Smiles
and Chuekles.
where are you going, my pretty
maid?" 'Out on my auto, sir,' she
said. MAY 1 go with you, my pretty
maid?" 81 have gas enough and to
spare" she said.
eyes, George asked me how old 1
would be on my next birthday" "The
impudent fellow! OF course, you said
nineteen?" "No, 1 said twenty-six."
mercy, girl, and you aren't but twen-
ty-four!" mo, but George is going to
give me a cluster ring with diamond
in it for every yesr."
II don't think l want much to eat
today; my stomach isn't quite right"
said the gloomy-looking man, as he
glanced over the bill of fare. "Just
bring me some spare-ribs and sauer-
kraut, glass of milk, a piece of
Roquefort cheese, and a portion of
plum pudding. It's better to be care
full of your stomach than to be sick"
Castleton-I don't think your wife
was pleased at the way l acted toward
your baby. Dimpleton-You didn't
criticise him, did you? "Heavens, no!
I made point of not saying thing
against him.
"You can always tell an English
man." began the Britisher, boastfully.
But it would only be waste of
BREATH" interrupted the Yankee, "be-
cause he thinks he knows it ALL"
"Josiah," said Mrs. Chugwater,
"when one of the big battleships runs
aground, how do they get it OFF,"
'They pull it off with tug of war;"
answered Mr.. Chugwater. 81 should
think you'd know enough to know
that
"Euphemia,' said young spoona-
more, twill you marry me?" 81 will
not" replied the young woman, indig-
nantly. "Miss Lickladder," he re-
Joined, making an entry in small
memorandum book and replacing it in
his pocket, you have the honor of be-
ing the first girl to refuse me since the
new century began"
Maybe he is inclined to put on airs
because he has a barrel of money"
said one politician. "We'll soon teach
him something about modern politics."
replied the other, in a resolute tone.
We'll let him realize that NOWADAYS
man who gets into campaign with
anything smaller than a hogshead is
exceedingly small potatoes"
A teacher had told class of Juvenile
pupils that Milton, the poet was blind.
The next day she asked if any of them
could remember what Milton's great
aft1iction was. "Yes'm,' replied one
little fellow, che was a poet"
An Irishman named Pat-Jr,shmon
IN stories are always named Pat. nv
the way-went to Washington once on i.
a time, and towards evening stood on
the corner Of Fifteenth and r streets,
where a newspaper man was standing
also. Just then the sunset gun over at
Fort Myer doomed out. whats that?"
asked the Irishman. 'Sundown." said
the newspaper man. "Ah, indeed" re-
marked Pat, "and does it ALWAYS 90
down with a bang in this countrv?"
Edith-The man marry must be
hero of the gridiron. Ethel-He will
be; if there is any cooking done he,n
have to do it.
"A Utica gentleman who was in New
YORK recently invited a certain BRIGHT
and charming young lady to 20 to the
tneater with him. Her home is on the
upper West side in a neighborhood
reached by either the Boulevard or
Amsterdam avenue cars. As thew
were leaving the young lady's home sho
remarked to her escort in the hearing
OF her dignified and somewhat aston
lshed parents: "We will take the Am.
stergosh avenue cars. MY father WON'T
let me say DAM"
"A guide was showing an American
traveller about st. Paurs cathedral
London, the other day, and pointed
out all the tombs of interest. That
Sir said he, ''his the tomb of tho
greatest naval zero Europe or the
world ever knew-Lord Nelson's. Hin.
side that his steel receptacle weigh
ing twelve tons, and hinside that hi.
leaden casket, 'ermetically sealed.
weighing over two tons. Hinside that
Is mahogany coffin, 'olding the ashes
OF the great 'ero." "Wen," replied the
American, after meditating bit, ~
guess you've got him all right. If ever
he gets out of that, cable me in FIJI, At
my expense.
One of the amusing incidents at tho
recent term of the Grundy county cir.
cult court occurred in the trial Of tho
men charged with burglarizinr Henry
Mason's chicken house and stealing
some Of his fancy Brahmas, Mr.. Mo.
son was telling how, after he had
tracked the thieves to the poultry mar.
ket IN Chillicothe, he recognized his