Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1901-12-12
HONEST ABB, !. s. NJ.
BY NJ. Quad.

lditGu ~ manu- MN MS paper liz sdIu.
Abe. ysu knowed that Mary had
been sick for the last four or five
months? WAL, she breathed her last
yesterday"
so she's dead? Poor thing! I'm
sorry for you, Uncle Jim
Yes. we've seen the last of poor Ma
ry, but I'm glad to say she died happy.
| don't suppose you can attend the flu
ncra tomorrow, but I'll tell you what
| you might do for me If you will. She
won't no sooner be buried than every
body for five miles around will be won
derin how soon I'll get married ag'in
and who I'll take for second wife
| They'll also be wonderin how much
Mary's gravestun cost and how soon
it'll be up. You know how folks are,
Abe"
yes"
"Waal. now, you jest do this for me:
You jest tell 'em the gravestun is to
cost S24 and it'll be up within a month
AS for my marryin ag'in, tell 'em III
never do it-never. Tell 'em that if all
the gals aud widders in four counties
around should set their caps for me it
wouldn't do any good. | shall send for
my sister Nancy to keep house for me
and peg along alone
l promised him and drove on.
Uncle Joe Hatcher is one of the
school directors in his district. and as
/ drove up 10 his house he came down
10 the gate with a family almanac In
his hand. When we had passed the
time of day, he said:
Look here, Abe. I've got TO hire the
| schoolma'am for the next term, and of
course I've got to ask her lots of ques-
| tons. I've got some of 'em down here,
but Marier saysI'm way of. She thinks
she's smarter'n a new blue pump. but
| guess men you together kin beat her.
| When did Columbus diskiver Amer
ica?"
I'm the year 1892. of course" said.
DO you mean it, Abe? Don't joke
with me-"
That's the date. certainly"
That's what Marier says, but I've
got it down as 1874. and we jawed
about it for over an hour last night.
I'll be burned If l wouldn't have bet all
my sheep ag'in a pound Of tea that
was right. but l must give in TO you.
Bein as you represent the United
States. you can't be mistaken. Which
is the longest river in America. AbeT
The Mississippi"
You don't say! thought it was the
Hudson. and Marier says it's the Ohio,
and we got so mad over it the other day
that we wouldn't eat dinner together
Which is the biggest city in the United
StatesY
New York"
"Durn my hide. but that's another on
me. The Teller who put up my wind
mill told me that indianapolis could
take in two towns the size of New York
and have lots or room left. Beats all
what decelvers you find in this world.
Was Benedict Arnold ever president OF
the United StatesY'
"Of course not"
Give it to me straight. Abe. Marier
says lie wasn't, but I've bet her six
geese ag'in nothin that he was"
set him right about il. and also cor
| rected him rs to the highest mountain,
the number OF states and several
things, and when drove away he was
| scratching his head and saying to him
self:
II guess I must be next door TO a
fool, but I'm not gOin to let Marier
know it and crow over me-"
saw at once that there was trouble
at Ben Hollis. and at the old mans
call | got down to drink a glass Of
milk and eat piece OF blackberry pie.
Els il family?" l asked
Yes. sir. right in the family. and
we've agreed to leave it to yon.'
But I can't give you an official de-
cision. This United States govern
ment. OF which am a part. never med
dies with family matters. not even
when man ticks his wife"
Then give us your private opinion.
Here's our Sue who got married 20
George Scott six weeks ago. She left
him last night and walked four miles
to come home. He boxed her ears, and
she SAYS she'll never live with him an
other day. / say she ought to go right
back"
What did he box your ears for?'
asked OF Sue.
IL called him liar" she replied
Yes. called him a liar" added Uncle
Ben, and l say lie had right 10 box.
I'd box Hannahs ears If she called me
that. Give her straight advice Abe
Had she ought 10 have called him
liarrr
Hardly"
"And he probably boxed while he
was mad;"
Yes"
ard harder than he lntended?"
Exactly"
And she ought to 60 back ard say
she's sorry. Then he'll say he's sorry
TOO, and they'u kiss and make TN and
be as happy as two doves. Sue YOU
so right back home with Abe on his
cart"
Sue looked at me with tears in her
eyes and nodded my head and an
hour later | landed her in her hus-
bands arms. He was out ut the gate