davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Taking No Chances.

Eyes; he has proposed by letter." she
explained. Now do you think | ought
to mail my answer Immediately or
keep him in suspense for a whileT
Mail itv exclaimed her dearest friend
in tone that had trace of spiteful-
ness in it. IF were you I'd telegraph
it," and there was an emphasis put
on "if l were you" that came near
breaking friendship that had ex-
tended over several years.-Chicago
Post
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
TelIing the Speed of a Train.

When travelling on a railway you can
tell how fast the train is going by the
following method: The telegraph
posts along a railway line are placed
thirty to the mile. So If you multiply
the number of posts passed in a min
ute by two the result gives you the
number of miles per hour at which the
train is going.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
A Friend in Need.

$50 Birdie Flyppe married a lame
man! 1t is the last thing ! would ever
have expected her to do
1T was a case of gratitude, | believe.
They were shipwrecked together, and
by using his cork leg as a life preseryer
he managed to save them both"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Hia Ennericncr.

Hix-Its just as easy to tell the truth
as 1t is to tell lie.
Dix-Yes. but when a man realizes
that by telling a small lie he will not
only make his wife happier but VIII
get several hours more sleep he is
justified in telling it.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
20. my poor husbandgo


Aggrieved Youth-In your Literary
Outlook" in this mornings paper you
say there has not been volume of
poems printed for six weeks" Yet /
sent you copy of my Songs in vari-
GUS Keys not more than two weeks
ago.
Literary Editor-Yes, l remember it.
l see no occasion to revise my statis-
tics Frightful weather, isn't it?
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

LandIady you have another
help to the chicken, Mr.. Blithers?
Mr.. Blithers (star boarder)--Yes; un-
less l get help I'm afraid my jaws
won't stand the strain. You see never
practiced mastication as a physical
feat."-Ohio State Journal.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Honest Dealer.

"Is that marbleY asked a customer,
pointing to a small bust of Kentucky's
famous statesman.
'No, SIR replied the conscientious
dealer, that's Clay"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
The ViewDoiut.

Golf" said the ex-bicyclist, "ls fine
game, but it doesn't amount to much in
the way of exercise"
Golf" remarked the ex-gambler, sis
splendid exercise, but it's an Internally
poor ame."-Chlcago Tribune.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
what He Talks Through.

Myer-whats Windham's telephone
number?
Gyer-Six and seven-eighths.
Myer-Why, there aren't any trac-
tlonal numbers in the telephone book
Gyer-But there are In hats.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
The Literary Movement.

"Dld you enjoy the reception at the
Literary Club"
Every much, indeed. Everybody was
so well dressed"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Not nn In1ncement.

Farmer Hayrix Ito hotel clerk
Heow much dew you tax feller fer
stoppin' at this here tavernT
Clerk-Three dollars day. We give
you all the comforts OF home.
Farmer Hayrix-Gosh! git all them
tew home fer nothing.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Thn.e Loving GirIs.

Maude-I didn't think you would be
able TO recognize me after three
years absence.
Clara-You have changed considera-
bly,, but I'd recognize that hat OF yours
a hundred years from now.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

The Early Cockroach-How do you
do? Seems to me you're looking rather
forlorn and poverty stricken.
The Early Moth-You won't think so
when you see me cutting wide swath
i'm costly furS.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

Waiter (at swell restauranD-Prairie
chicken? Yes, sir. Do you like your
game high?
Uncle Si--Not so doggoned high the
gun won't reach 'em, O. course, but
what's that got to do with eatln of
'em?
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

81 sent postage stamp for pamph-
let which was TO tell me how to sue
ceed."
what did II sayT
at said: Make better use OF your
postage stamps"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

Enpeck-My dear, according to my
views Of bringing up children
Mrs. Enpeck-Neyer mind about your
views I'll attend to bringing up the
children; you go down in the cellar and
bring up bucket of coal.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

"What is the name Of this stationE'
asked the passenger from the East,
who had been looking wonderingly out
of the car window.
"Dauphin Park" replied the passen'
ger from the suburb just beyond.
"That explains it. 1t must be nice
to fish for them from the windows OF
the dwellings"
Fish for whatY ~
'DOlphins."
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.

Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases
of Human Nature Graphically Por-
trayed by Eminent Word Artists Of
Our Own Day-A Budget of Fun.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

Sorry to trouble you, madam, but
your husband fell from a fourth-story
window he was cleaning to-day,
and"
20, my poor husbandw
"Your husband is all right, madam,
but he fell so blamed awkwardly that
he broke my awning all to pieces, and
got away before could see him. Here's
the bill for damages, and you tell him
that if he wants to save trouble he'd
better settle it right away"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

Wife-What is this gold reserve the
papers are continually referring to?
Husband-I guess it must be the
manner in which gold persists in hold
ing alOof from the most Of us.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

The average woman puts off ac-
knowledging her wedding presents as
long as possible, knowing that the do
nors expect the acknowledgment to
contain an invitation to visit her.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Hnta and Tota.

The Dutch settlers at the Cape of
Good Hope called the nativeC Hotten-
tots because the Caffre language SEEM
ed to be a perpetual repetition of the
syllabies hot and tot.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

Harry did you buy me that hat l
wantedY
'No, Marie, bought new cooking
stove"
you selfish thingw
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Compulsory Outlay.

as Blbb good neighbour
"No; he's very unpopular, because he
paints his house every spring, and that
makes everybody in the block have to
do the same"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
ChaugeabIe Ever,

Yeast-I can always tell what the
weather is going to be by my wife.
nmsonbeak-Indeed! Is she as tickle
as that?-Yonkers Statesman.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Natural Historv.

"Pa, what makes a rabbit wabble its
nose so?"
81 can't tell you, Jimmy"
81 know; it's because it hasn't got
'nough tail to wabble."
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Mute and Blind Americans

The number of deaf-mutes In the Uni
ted States is over 111,0OO; the number
Of totally blind is SS,924.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Citing an Exception.

Smith-Kindness always conquers.
Jones-Oh, don't know. | once knew
a man who tried II on mule.
Smith-Well?
Jones-His funeral was largely at
tended
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
New Hotel for RostHn.

The biggest and most costly hotel in
Boston is to go UP this season on the
site of the Brunswick. 1t is to be in
elegance a rival of New York's Wal
orf-Astoria.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
Feline.

Miss Ann Teek-I wouldn't marry the
best man in the world.
Miss Pepprey - Naturally. You'd
probably not be asked even if you were
the last woman in it.-Pbiladelphia
Press.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

Bess-Miss Oldham would certainly
make a brave soldier
Tom-Why do you think SO?
Bess-She never deserts her colors.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

"Do you go to the theater in LentT'
"Yes; I'm such pessmlst that moth
ing amuses me-"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

Next to love affair that doesn't pan
out, a woman's greatest dlsappoint-
ment is in when doctor she recon-
mended, failed TO effect a cure.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

Hell thought you said your father
said he wouldn't let you marry a law
yer?
She-Papa heard you at work in
court the other day.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26

"I've got a theory"
"What is it?'
81 think the same hand that penned
Billy BaXter's Letters wrote An Eng
Love Letters.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
The Girl-Beg pardon, sir, does my

nat trOuDIe you!
The Mani can see nothing else.
The Girl-Then I'll tell you what to
do. Just keep your eye on me, and
when laugh, you laugh-when cry,
YOU err.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-04-26
A COOL SCOUNDREL

Y profession isn't
a popular one.
There is consid-
cradle prejudice
against it. l don't
myself think it's
much worse than
a g d m a II y
others. However,
that's nothing to
do with my story.
Some years ago
me and the gen
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-10-21

of ground that you own! If you live in
the country, don't sell your property
there and come into the city. Keep what
no intoxicating liquor at all and don't
run in debt, then you and your children
shall prosper Keep the land that God
gave TO you and your forefathers. Ii
you give way to liquor these shrewd men
will lend you money; take a mortgage
on your property; and then they Will
own you body and soul. and they will
grow fat on what they have stolen from
you. For Gods sake let the natives be
sober men. They should form temper
ance societies and encourage each other
not TO drink intoxicating liquors. We
cannot be good Christians and sell our
souls for drink. God says the drunkard
cannot enter into the Kingdom of
Heaven. Therefore. we hope If there
are Catholic men in the liquor and sa-
loon business. 1 hope that they will go
out of it. 1t is not such an occupation
that we can commend il.
Father Boarman then gave excellent
advice to the young men; told them to
marry early and thus avoid SHINING: to
make courtships brief otherwise there
were many dangers for both young men
and young women. He asked Gods
blessing on the priests of the church;
the families and children. He was CRATE
full to the nOn-CatholicS who had so fire.
quently attended the lectures, and he
trusted he had not offended any of them
during the course of his mission.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-10-21
TEMPERANCE TO
YOUNG PEOPLE

Temperance and the necessity to re-
ed the themes upon which the Rev DR..
L. NJ. Hartley. the head of the Anti
Saloon League, based one of the strong
est addresses which has been heard here
recently. 1t was an address full of ap-
peal and argument which made the
young folk of the Kamehameha school,
before whom it was delivered, think of
the subject which was presented to
them. and which cannot fail of good
results.
The reason for the talk was the Ii
censing of a local beer saloon close to
the schools, which aroused in the minds
of the anti-saloon people the fear that
there would be an epidemic of drunk
enness among the young men of the
neighborhood, which might lead away
some of the youths of the schools
There was no TRADE against the owner
of the saloon in question or the saloon
itself, though there was a questioning
of the propriety of the placing of the
saloon the greatest portion of the lee
ture being given up to arguments. For
instance DR. Hartley gave the young
men food for thought in his remarks
that on the price of three drinks a day
there could be maintained almost a
family, while the same amount OF
money would produce a large number
of Injuries This led into the financial
side Of temperance and the young Ha-
waiians were given some solid facts up
on the amount of money which is rep
resented in a life time of drinking
liquor
From this phase of the matter the
speaker went on to discuss the effect
of drink upon character. He showed
that the influence of the drink habit
upon the people OF the country had
been always for the worst and argued
that the next generation must rise
above this curse. Commenting upon
the struggle for success, ne said that
if Hawaiian boys and girls would have
any chance in this race, they must lay
the foundation for it in the making of
character. and that there must not be
any drinking habit in the character.
He appealed to the young people that
they keep themselves free from all sus-
piciOn of bad habits
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-10-21
a DELIGHTFUL RECEPTION.
rendered Saturday Afternoon to Mr..
and Mrs. Ahlo. Jr.

over 500 people attended the recep-
ton given Saturday by Mr.. and Mrs.
L. Ahlo for his son and wife. Mr. and
Mrs. Anthony Alho Jr.. recently re-
turned from Cambridge. England. The
driveway leading up to the handsome
residence on Liliha street was arts
tically decorated with the flags of
many nations and the interior of the
residence was embellished in the same
manner, with the added beauty of floral
pieces.
The guests were received by the host
and hostess at the door and presented
to Mr.. and Mrs. Ahlo Jr. Refresh
ments were served in a large tent
erected for the purpose. Mr.. and Mrs.
F. w Damon and c. Amana acted as
ushers. Music was furnished by the
Solomon quintet orchestra Altogether.
the reception was a very pretty affair,
and one of the most delightful enter
tainments of the social season.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-10-21

commander, the President orme was
one of the famous Rough Riders" with
President Roosevelt, and was wounded
at the battle of Guasimas on June 16,
few days before the fight at San Juan.
Orme's home was originally in Ari-
IONA, where he first met Col. Roosevelt.
After he was wounded he remained in
a hospital for a time and was finally
transported to this country He was
in New York later and then went to
the Hawaiian Islands, where he engag-
ed in business.
He has recently been through the
west and came to Washington this
morning, registering at the st. James.
He will remain in the city several days
Washington Star
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-10-21
Mate of the Davis Robbed.

Sneak thieves stole $50 in cash from
the room of Mate Grinlay on the bark
seawall. Saturday afternoon. Captain
McAlmon had given the money to the
mate for the purpose Of paying some
OF the men. and it was left temporarily
in Grinlay's room. Later, when he
went to get the money it could not be
found, and there was no trace Of the
thief OF thieves.-ChronicIe Oct. 3.
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-10-21

Advantages of civilization: Il presume
you appreciate the advantages you derive
from being assimilated by a civilized
country" said the interviewer TO the Sui
tan of Bazzoo Island. Yes, indeed" as
scented his majesty. Why, / got a thou
sand dollars damages because of injuries
sustained by swallowing the false teeth
of the last missionary We put in the royal
consomme. Baltimore American
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-10-21
Mr. orme of Honolulu.

There viii be an anectionate greeting
al the White House tomorrow when
Norman Lakeland Orme of Honolulu
calls to pay his respects to his old
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-10-21
EW ATTRACTIONS ADDED.
Shirt Waists.

We are offering this week great
inducements in ladies' Shirt
waists, in order to close out our
present stock. You need them
buy them while cheap.
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1901-08-14
NEW JERSEY VERDIcTS.
Queer Manner of Reaching Agree
ment by Jurors.

1t was a New Jersey jury which last
year reached verdict by playing a
game Of 'old sledge, FOR seyenoup. In
that case the Judge on the bench
made some warm comments, though
he did not discover the fact until after
the jurors had been relieved OF duty.
In Mercer county, Penn., on Friday
last it was learned by the Judge that
the conviction of m Isle dealer>of
some small otfense was reached by the
drawing of lots by the jurors. The
verdict had surprised the court be-
cause the instructions of the Judge in
Dictated that he thought the accused
should be acquitted. The excuse of
the jury IS that there was little hope of
an agreement; the weather was fear.
fully hot, and they were hardly in a
responsible state of mind. They were
eager to get hOme.
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1901-08-14
TO CHANGE DATE OF INAUGURAL.
Effort to Be Made to Secure Constitu-
tional Amendment.

1t is expected, says the Philadelphia
Ledger, that former effert will be
made to secure the adoption of a con-
stitutional amendment changing the
date for the Inauguration of presi.
dents. "Agitation of the subject has
peen renewed BY the presentation to
the commissioners of the District of
Columbia of asresolution ogthe.inaug-
ural committee, who have been Civ
ing attention to the matter since the
inauguration of "President Mckinley,
asking the commissioners to appoint a
national committee to urge the inno-
walton. The date which appears to
meet with general acceptance is April
80. if there is to be any change. To
accomplish this the Federal COnstitu-
ton must be amended to extend the
term of President Mckinley and that
of the members of the tifty-eight
congress to April 80, 1905. A large
committee, composed of representa-
tive citizens of every state, will proba-
bly, be appointed to further the move
ment."
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1901-08-14
GRASSHOPPERS A BURDEN.
Fields in Walker and CatoOSa
Counties Almost Ruined.

The grasshopper is becoming a bur-
den in Walker and Catoosa counties,
Georgia. Charles Henderson, promi-
nent farmer of Chickamauga, Ga, re-
ports that grasshoppers are literally
eating up the crops in that section.
They made their appearance in great
swarms few days ago and are attack
ing corn, field peas and almost all
green crops. Corn blades are literally
eaten up by the invading pests, which
begin on field and work it systemat-
ically until the blades are completely
stripped. They are OF the large green
variety which have spread so much
havoc in the west
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1901-08-14
BRANDS MUST BE EXPLICIT MAN WITHOUT A STOMACH
Lives in Chicago and Eats Three
Meals a Day.

Karl Kruger is celebrated in Chica-
90 US 1.-THE man without a stomach. "
That organ was removed last April,
because it had developed a cancer and
threatened to carry its owner to the
grave. The operation of extirpation
OF the stomach was not new. 1t had
already been performed several times,
but in each instance The patient had
survived only a few days or a few
weeks. Kruger, however, appears to
be permanently cured. He eats we'll,
sleeps perfectly and is gaining in
weight. At first be could partake OF
only few ounces of food at a time, and
had to eat eight or ten times a day.
Now he eats three regular meals, and
says he enjoys them as well as any
man with a stomach could. Having
demonstrated that man may live
without stomach, will the doctors
next essay to prove that brain is not
essential to human life?
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1901-08-14
A New Order Is Issued With Re-
gard to Fertilizers.

Commissioner of Agriculture Stew
ems has issued an order constituting the
law with reference to brands on fertil-
izers showing the analS sis. 1t is d.
rected by this order that all the brands
must be explicit ana must not be eX'
planned or enlarged upon bystatements
as to what the substance in the fertil-
izer is equivalent to or like express
sions.
Several fertilizer concerns have
been in the habit of so charging upon
the statement of analysis, it is said, as
to make the stuff appear more attrac-
tive to the purchaser. 1t was felt nee
essary on this account to issue the
new order on the subject.
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1901-08-14

Slavery of the real sort exists in Sulu
and the republican papers OF the north
are trying to apologize for its existence
under the United States flag which
now floats over the island. They say
it is not real slavery, and cannot be as
ISOLATED with the kind Of slavery that
once existed in the southern states.
Such explanations, however, are not
borne out by the report submitted to
Secretary Root by Colonel Jasper Nor
rison of the Judge advocate generals
department, who visited the Sulu ar
chipelago for the purpose of making
an investigation.
Colonel Morrison saws Sulu slavery
possesses all the features of slavery in
this country prior to the civil war.
The traffic is principally in boys and
girls, the average price of whom is
sI2. 80 in American money. In his re-
port Colonel Morrison says adult male
slaves are not bought, because they
The Dawson news. (Dawson, Ga.) 1889-current, 1901-08-14
HALF MILLION TONS
OF FERTILIZERS USED.
GEORGIA'S CONSUMPTION EXCEEDS
ALL PREVIOUS RECORDS.
Said by Some That the Land Has Been
More Heavily Fertilized Than Usual.
Largest Consumption Before
Was in 1897.
Was in 1897.

! Georgia's consumption of fertilizers
for the season lust about c.osed was in
the neigh borhood of 100000 tons, The
exact figures from the books of the de-
partment of agriculture when they are
given out in the bulletin of the com
missioner, which will be within a few
days, will not vary more than a few
hunared tons one way or the other
from half a million.
This is remarkable increase in the
consumption of fertilizers for the state,
the largest amount ever used before in
one season being in 1878. The sales
that season aggregated 424, 0Sl. 1t will
be seen, therefore, that the present
season surpasses the biggest season
ever known before by something like
1000 tons.
The revenue from the sale of tae
this year has been about $4,000
1t has been known for some time that
the sales of fertilizers in Georgia this
season were very much larger than
last year, though no statement show
ing just how much larger they were
has been published until now. Tie
sales for the season of lS99-l900 were
4l2, 1880 tons, This shows there has
been an increase this year over last of
somewhere in the neigh borhood of co.
600 tons.
This is big increase, and the ques s.
tion has been asked as to what it
means The natural conclusion would
be that it indicated a much heavier
: cotton acreage, but those who have
studied The situation say this is not a
fact. 1t is asserted by some who claim
to have investigated the matter that
the farmers everywhere have used
more fertilizers on the same land than
| they did last year, and made the land
richer while the acreage was not ma
terially increased.
Nevertheless, it IS true that the crop
| does not show results from increased
fertilization.
Reports from all over the state have
shown, too. that there has been an in
crease in the cotton acreage, though it
is said to be a comparatiyelysma one.
According to reports received at the
department Of agriculture the increase
vas put down at from 3 to 10 per cent.
in different sections of the state, or an
average of about to per cent
1t is said also that more fertilizers
were used this year for corn and other
products, and that bv no means did the
whole lot go on the cotton fields.
Mr.. Stevens has prepared the follow
ing table. showing the number of tons
of guano sold in Georgia each year