The Appeal. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn. ;) 1889-19??, 1901-07-20
THE HANDLING OF JAGS


that than one of some other kinds I've
met up WITH remarked the quiet-man-
nered, low-voiced expert bouncer Of, q.
lively Broadway cafe, as he Strengthened
his necktie and adjusted his cuffs.
He had just finished the Job of deposit
Ing herculean young man in a cab. The
herculean young man had been very bols-
ferrous. He had announced that he was
assiduously hunting for trouble and lots
Of it, and he said that he had it figured
out that he was in the right place Then
he emitted several powerful whoops and
told all hands to stand by, because he in
tended to raze the building to- the ground.
and fire a Volley or SO over it. He
grabbed an empty champagne bottle 10
begin operations on the bar mirrors.
Then a very blank look spread over
his face, for he found his arms pinioned
to his sides as securely as if they had
been wound around with steel cables
Then he was grabbed from behind by
both shoulders and knee was firmly in
serted in the small of his back to give
him a good upright position. Then he
was swiftly propelled right through the
swinging doors, across the pavement and
into the cab that stood waiting.
brlVe MIN TO any Ola pace, Stl1O lIie
expert bouncer to the cabman, slamming
the cab door. ITO his little white bunk
would be best, if you know where that
ls,'' and the cabman grinned and started
up his horse. " "
''Yes, went on the expert bouncer, zone
like that's easy. You know where you
stand with a jag like that. He doesn't
bore you any, or waste any of your time.
He just gets off the reservation and be-
gins to make war medicine, and the rest
Is just like shaking a persimmon tree for
the ripe ones
Give me, every time, the boy that's
got a replevin out for rough-house work
and is frank enough to say so. That's
what you call the ferocious jag. The
ferocious jag comes right out and an
nounces that the only occasions on which
he gloats real hard are those when he is
wallowing in crime and dark doings. and
insists upon the barkeep's sending out
for few piano movers and tunnel hands
for him to practice on. This is the Ind
IF action I like TO get for my wages. It's
the quick stuff and there's no palaverins
or soft soaping in it.
I'm not trying to put on the Sandov
vest, but I think T may rightfully Law
claim to the record in handling that kind.
l once hot-footed duck about a cubic
more than six feet high out into the raw
night air just eight and three-quarter sec
onds from his initial announcement that
ne intended to tear the plant down with
his naked hands. I'm not vaingloriousy
put these figures ought to speak for
themselves. -te-'l ~ -@SS
MY job here, however, doesn't consist
altogether in running 'em out the way
you saw that one 20. I onlv TOW with
the ferocious jags that way. But there
are several millions of distinct and SEN
arate species of jags, not taking into ac-
count the sub-species and the variegated
types and the hybrid styles, and each jag
requires different handling.
For instance, the weepy jays are all
passed along to me by the barkeeps for
comfort. It's part of my graft to give So
lace and surcease of sorrow to the weenv
Tags. good many Of the weepy lac are
good, regular customers, and it wouldn't
40 to let 'em get sore on the place. The
Weepy jag never. by any possibility.
Knows why he is weepy. His most COM
non observation Is that life's frost and
4 fiasco, and that he doesn't see much
n it.
Ihen ne Weeps more copiously thar
ever. He's generally get a few lines of
very SAD verse Of tap. and these he let's
ne nave with great frequency. !Oh, for
he touch of vanished hand!' is one
bunch of words that all the weepy Tags
seem to like whole heap, and o death
n lie, the days that are no morer is
another mess out of the Complete Elocu-
Aon1st that they've all got pat. However.
he weepy jag can be got around, al
though It's sometimes long process.
Il generally tell 'em funny stories The
drst two or three don't go at all as a
sule. The subject is determined to be
gloomy and weepy, and he looks at me
KIND o reproachfully for daring to pre-
sumo that the awful shadow on his life
IS capable of being lifted by any such
medium as rataplan of funny warns
But always persist along this line, and
when I screw the first grin out of the
weepy Jag I know I've got him. ~ -
From that on to tumultuous laughter
by the Jag in a state of weeps hut a
short time before is easy enough when
you learn how to do it, There are
slathers Of weepy jags IN this town who
nike for me whenever they get on bats
and their tear ducts begin to soak their
shirt fronts. and I never sent one of
EN- away yet that didn't have chuckle
or SO in him. 1t isn't because I'm a
little bit funny, for I'm not; it's only
because the nature Of my job has foroed
me to make study Of the weepy lag.
along with all the rest of the jag species.
and know how and when to harooon
him out of his gloom.
THE weepy jag should not be corr
founded with the phony suicidal lag,
The suicidal jag is a counterfeit pure
and simple. He's a bogus. But he's
often a good. regular customer. too and
it wouldn't do to attend him The
suicidal jag Is always going to have Just
one more drink and then he's going to
patrol right down to the North river
and jump off the dock: or he's going
to blow his head off; or he's going to
swallow a pound or so of morphine; or
If he's been to see Quo Vadis,' he's GO
ing to do the Petronius stunt and open
vein and take a little tourn adown the
asohodel meadows, had a lot of the
asphodel meadowers when Quo Vadis'
was running here last year
There's no weepiness about the sui
cidai jag. He's deadly cold and delib-
crate in his statements. He talks about
his fast approa chiLg end in a calm way
that he thinks is devilish impressive
But the suicidal Jag who announces his
purpose in this dispassionate, impersonal
way never really has any idea whatever
of going across the big divide. Nary
an idea. Say, If all of EN- that have
in1paled me with the jaggaline eyes and
told me that they would be floating in
the North river inside Of twenty min
utes-if all or even half of. EN- had done