Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1901-08-18
MR.. D00LEY ON DIS
QUALIFYING THE ENEMY

bhkhSh 0-AS sum w Gnu vi DUEL
war They've taken tn final steps.
It's as good as finished"
What ARE they doln'?' asked Mr..
Hennessy.
"Ye see.' said Mr.. Dooley, 9TH gov
er'mint is tired Nv tn way tn wars
been goin'. It's becomin a nuisance.
Whin rayspictabie English people so
To war, they don't ixpict TO have 70
keep II up foriver. They'se other things
to do But tn Beers wuddent stop.
NANNY attimpts was made TO con-eil-
yate thin, IL ye viii lay down ye'er
arms an cut ye'er, said Lord
Roberts Nv Candyhar an Cork an Pre-
torya an tn deminyons beyond tn
sea, an f'rget Kruger an larn TO sing
Gawd save tn King. ven be allowed TO
stand again wall an be shot Other
wise. he says, IN soon have to take
dhrastic measures again We he says.
No. says tn Beers, we're sorry but
we must rayfuso ye'er kind wurrud ~
welcome. Nawthin' wud give us more
pleasure thin 20 provide good target
practice f'r ye'er gallant la-ads.' they
says. They need it, says they. But
they says. great as wud be tn homer
Nv bein' hurrid in tn Union Jack with
n brass band TO play over us. we like
tn glad free an dishon-rable life Nv iii
'veldt, they says, we must stay out
an inioye m rural SCENERY awhile
How do we know. says they. but wan
Nv tn firin' squad mightnst shut his
eyes an hit us? says they. Well.
says Lord Roberts ~ tn city directhry,
If that's tn case, he says, Pm goin'
home he says, an capture q few more
cities f'r me title he says i quit ye.
he says. An he whit away an left
Lord Kitchener to r-run til game.
Lord Kitehener's o. great man. He's
kilt more naygurs thin anything but
watermilons. lie thried concilyatin'
tn inimy. He hanged thin whin he
caught thin. Whin an English marks
man gets that kind iv a dhrop on a
man, he nivir misses. But still, tn
Beers rayfused to come in. Thin tn
war was renewed with great inergy.
We r-read In tn pa-apers iviry day iv
a threemenjous engagement. TIL col
umn undher tn Hon. Lord Ginrnl 7.
huntington Canew met to-day an de-
feated with great loss tn Kootzen-
hammer commando, consistin' iv MIR.
an MfHt ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS, ihtii Spit
August, their daughter Lena an Baby
Kootzenbammer who was In arms an
will be EXECUTED aecordin' to the de-
erees iv May tinth. fifteenth an six
teenth an June ninth, whin caught.
TIL Hon. Lord Gin'ral Punting ton-C Ca
new rayports that he captured wan
COW, wan duck, wan pound lv ham, two
cans iv beans. an baby carredge. TIL
commando escaped. TIL ginral larned
firm tn COW. who had been shot, that
tn Beers ar-re Ia disprate condition
an cannot hold out much longer.
ricommind that tn Hon. Lord Ginral
Il. huntington Canew be made jock
an receive grant iv wan millyon
pounds sterling. He departed f'r homo
yesterday. havin' seen nearly a week
iv sarvice be food an field How tn
Beers shtud up to 1t, Hinnissy, ! niver
can tell I've been countin. up their
casulties an they've lost enough cows
to keep Armour goin' a year. Wan w
tn things a British sojerll have to
larn afther this. is tn care " COW.
"Still, In spite iv' tn ravages iv tn
Dairymen's Own, tn Beers rayfused to
come In an be governed, so tn cabinet
held meetin' Ills manifest says
Lord Sal'sbry, that this thing has gone
as far as II can go In dacency he says.
'They'se a time FIR all things he says,
AN ivrything In It's place he says.
We can't keep three hundred thou
san sojers an tn rapid-dre pote, Rood
yard Kipling down there frlyer. We
need tn warryors at home to dhrive tn
buses an lade tn cotillyons an they
hasn't been a good pome on tn butther
an egg market, tn price iv stocks, TIL
prospects iv tn steel thrade. tn open
ing Nv tn new underground or tn
mannyfacther iy bicycles since Rood
yard whit away. ! wondher II thin
Beers don't think we have anything
to do but chase thin FIR tn r-rest Nv our
lives. I move we put an end to IL, he
saws. But how was 1t to be done?
Some Nv tn cabinet that had been talk
in with tn warryor-iditors was in fa-
vor Nv bilin' all captured Beers In lie,
but twas pinted out that this wud seem
like home to Boer Some wanted to
make Lord Milliner jock but tn Jocks
was again this. An twas fin1ly de-
cided afther long an arjoos debate,
that tn war mus be declared irregular.
Yes, sir, firm now on tits non-union
war, tits again tn rules. Annywan en-
gagged in it will be set back be tn stew
ards Nv Henley.
Lord Kitchener wrote tn notice.
He's good writer. Ladies an GIN
tlemen,' he says. This war as war Is
now over. Ye may not know II but it's
so. we've broke TIL rules an We give
tn fight to ourselves on foul. TIL
first principle Nv war again England
is that tn inimy shall wear FRED or
purple coats with black marks FIR to In
dictate tn location Nv vital organs be
day an locomotive headlight be night.
They shall thin gather within aisy
range an at tn wurrud fire shall fall
down dead. Amy remainin' standin'
aftherward will be considered as
spies. Shootin' back Is not allowed be
tn rules an Is severely discounte-
nanced be our ladin' military authori-
ties. Amy attimpt at concealment Is
tbreachery. - scand'lous habit iv
pluggin' our gallant sojers firm behind
rocks an trees is breach iv interna-
tional law. Rethreatin' whin pur-
sooed is wan iv our copyrighted man
covers an all infringmints will be
prosecuted. At a wurrud firm us. tn
war is over an we own yeer country.
Ye will see firm this brief sketch that
we're no betthef thin guerillas an fpi-
rates an now be TIL Fright vested In
me he mesiIf. I call on all persons now