davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17

Uncle Jack was a jovial character of the pioneer type so rapidly becoming extinct. No one ever thought him odd. His tastes were normal and he didn't have an enemy Tn the world He was 65 years old when his second marriage occurred, and he determined to spend the remainder of his days in ease.
 Uncle Jack gave up farm life. and, strong against the blandlshments of Mattoon and its city life, settled at Janesvile Soon atteT tne new home had been established Mrs. Whlte asked her husband one morning to step down to the grocery and get some soda about the Kitchen, flor want to bake some of those cookies you like for Sunday
 Al right. mother. , cheerly % reSp%nGe9 ppnins paper and donned his overcoat and heavy gloves: "I'll be back In a minute. His wife smilingly glanced after him as he stnmped
 That was the last she saw of him for ten She managed he DroPMsTy MaSy iieved him dead. but Mrs White never lost faith in his ultimate return, although no let ters from the aged wan1eIer came to alleVl- ate her long. patient waiting.
 Last week she had her reward. There was opened as she was busy kneading bread Her long missing husband appeared He was whiter haired and perhaps a trife thinner, yet the ten years had dealt lightly with him ,,
 Here's the soda. wife he said simply She took the package from his outstretched hand They sat down and talked. and he told her how the years of their separation had been spent. On the morning of his disappearance he had come to Mattoon on a hand-car ana small cotton plantation, but met with reverses. Then he drifted to North Dakota. Finally the perpetual pining to his wife and children overcame his pride, and he returned to James, ville He remembered his wifes request, stopped at grocery. bought a package of soda and presented himself to her. Both still cared for each other; there were no reasons why they should not live together again. and the aged lovers wept In each others arms.
 John, why did NOu loave me and stay away so ong?" at last said the faithful wife as she wiped away the joyful tears with her apron He stopped and whispered in her ear What ever the secret was 1t satisfied her, and with the simple explanation that Uncle Jack and his wife are once more happy under the same rnnf the world must be conten..
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
TEN-YEAR ERRAND.
Old Mans Long Absence and Its
 Cause A Mystery

Msttoon. H.. Special to New York World.
 Uncle Jack" White of Janesvile. ten miles to the grocery he went for his wife ton years ago. No one but Uncle Jack" and his wife knows why it took him ten years to get the little package of soda which Mrs, White wanted to make some of the cookies her hus :, band was so fond of. and which the dilatory messenger finally brought back with him Uncle Jack" has told his wife the secret of his long absence, and as she appears to be satisfied and the home is happy again, the incident may be regarded as closed except for the telling of the strange story Uncle Jack" was supposed to be dead by every one, and so his home coming Is as from the grave
 quarter of century ago: when John White married for the second time. he was one of the hest-known farmers and stock rais- CTS of Pennington He had weu-improye farm ana was in good circumstances Ills children were grown and provided for, His new wife buxom widow of placid temper a ment had children. They were settled on nearby farms The old folks married because their oYsprinEs were abundantly cared for and immersed in interests of their own.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
DEALING IN FURNITURE.
How sharpers swindle Unsuspecting
 People.

4CoRAO'
 The following story comes from Bangor Maine:
 A pair of sharpers have been working this part of, the country, upon the people in the surrounding towns, and many com plaints have been made to the local au- thorities. = The trick is worked by two well l-dressed men calling at a prosperous looking place and claiming to be agents for New forK dealer in antique furniture looking for stock. They rumEage the attics and or fer big prices for worn-out furniture, such as s2O for an old couch not worth s,. S for chair perhaps worth % cents; S10 for broken spinning wheel. and so on until perhaps $50 worth Is picked out
 As they are about to leave they look over the good furniture in the place and offer perhaps 50 cents for $10 lounge or 25 cents for a valuable chair.
 The "shrewd@ owner usually agrees to these prices as the old stuff Is to bring so much more, than it is actually worth that the total price will much more than repay the cost of the new.
 memorandum with prices on each piece is carefully made out. and the next day team appears and the new furni- ture Is loaded on, the prices paid accord ing to the memorandum, and "a receipt taken the men agreeing to gome back directly for the antique" stuff and pay the prices agreed.
 But they never come back. The victim Is out perhaps $25 worth of furniture for $2 or so. and has no means of getting caught they have but to produce the re- ceipted bill The scheme was worked in a number of places and many people have been duped
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
The Roaster's Fate.

The following is told of last year 8 medical student who claimed to be afraid of nothin'." He claimed 1t so loud, so long and so often that some or his rel Iow-boarders determined at last to give his boasted courage d thorough test. They knew he always slept with a ioadea revolver under his pilHw-a good habit when burglars prowi-so they, or neces- sity, had to use caution.
 After supper one evening, while M Afraid of Nothin' " was out of his room, one of the plotters slipped in, and, tax ing the gun from under the pillow, re. moved all the cartridges and replaced them with blanks He then returned the weapon to it's place and slipped away
 All had engagements Aout that night. and returned only after the boaster had gone to bed and lay dreaming. perhaus oi carving on a ghastly caoaver.
 Then the chief ploteer wrapped III ghostly garb-e'en as Hamlet paternal ancestor returning from sulphurous hames jr one hand the bullets previously taken from the gun now resting beneath the sIeeper's pillow. Advancing to the pea he rave a horrible screech, rousing the sleeper in terror. to whom he said m deep, sepulchral tones: Come with me.
 With eyes wide opens ana eisnSnsu check. the boaster gazed on his sobin visitor. but bet.y ught to reach for his gun, which he woboled in the direction of the appariton and began to nre. At each report the ghost laughed demoni- acally and grabbed as If catching the oui- let's, which he hurled back at the shooter, striking the headboard terrihcaily. This was too much for the boaster. who. think ing that "Old Nick had really come TOT him, dashed from the room with snriek of terror that would have tested the lungs of Comanche. w. l. D'
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
The Smooth Rabbi.

An old miser, who lived near Chlcago, and who had no religious inclinatons teli sick and on his death bed was approach ed by three clergymen, each Of dinerent faith-one Catholic priest, one a Metn- odist minister, and one rabbi or the Jewish church. ..
 Suspecting that they were looking after his financial interests more than ms spiritual, he told them that he would not favor either church, but that he would have his estate divided equally among tne three one month after his death 1T they would consent to a proposition, VIZ TOT each to deposit $1G0 in the casket with ms remains. the same to be sunk to the pot tom of the lake. L IL
 This they readily consented to do as the amount each would receive would be so much greater than what they would have to sacrifice. ,,
 In A short time the old fellow dled ana each contributed his part.
 After several days passed the friest began to grow uneasy, for fear the otner two had failed to fulfill their part Of the contract. Calling on the Methodist min, ister he asked him is he had paid ms slVo | to which he replied that he had, ana nSo | put 1t in in gold. He in turn asked the l priest in what form was his slo0 to whicr | he replied silver. Then both called on the
 Tn what way did you deposit your slOC | in the casket? x
 We'll, my friends, didn't have the money so convenient so l just gave my 1 check for $500. and took $2OO In change
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
Mouth Was "Bow-legged. ''

One time we gave a party for the baby, wac . iittis how ybo 'ne wss sfst verw 'iSSs hom, legged. The little miss eyed him criti- callv and asked his mother why he walk ed so funny. She told her that he was Scotch friend arrived. He was cross-eyed and had 8 very crooked mouth. As he was ventriloquist he kept the little ones busy hunting for birds that would sing, but could not be found; chickens would chuck, cats meow, dogs bark, pigs s4ueal and babies cry4 The older ones began to suspect trick, but our baby did not. Bees would buzz in her ears, and she would try to knock them off. Another mo- ment she would be after the cats. Finally becoming very tired and angry for being made sport of, she stamped her little foot and said: ''I wish that man that Is bow legged in the mouth and who looks at me on both sides would go home" H. 8.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
POLITICS LEFT OUT,
Presidents Army Appointments Not
 Regarded as Patronage,

Washington. Nov. l5,-lt was announced at the War Department today that the names of the officers to fill the vacancies in the grade of Brlgadier-General will not be announced until Congress meets In addition to this statement and in view of the great pressure that has been brought to bear it has been deemed proper to make the following official declaration:
 "The Secretary of War and the Presi- dt have had informal. discussions on army matters on several occasions. and it is understood that the President has expressed himself most positively on the use of political and social influences by officers for the purpose of obtaining changes of stations, leaves of absence, notifications of orders, etc. Of course, 1t is understood that officers often deem 1t necessary to have attention called to their cases by political friends, for ap-
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
 GOLD FISH PUT OUT FIRE.
Three Hundred Tapping Tails Help
 To Save Philadelphia Building.

Flames that broke out in the store of Thomas E. Henry, 2225 Germantown Ave nue. Philadelphia, while nobody was about reached a big aquarium that held 500 goldfish and cracked the glass, letting out most of the water. The escaping Wa ter put out most of the fire. and the gold fish extinguished the rest of the flames
 The water remaining in the aquarium was so low that the majority of the fish were left uncovered Tn their desperation the fish Tapped their tails, and the stimuli taneous effort of 300 fish power sent the water out of the aquarium in showers on the burning furniture and furnishings
 Fish put out the fire after 500 damage had been done. They were found gaspinS in the tank after their efforts had ex- heusted their water supply, but were soon transferred to another aquarium, none the worse for their experience.
 Those fish are too good to be soldS and I've a notion to send them to President Roosevelt" said Mir Henry after the fire.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
The Wrong Man.

An Irishman had just arrived in this country. He was going to visit hls orotn- CT, who was wealthy. and lived in the country He stopped at an inn and asked how far 1t was to his brothers house. The proprietor replied that 1t was ten miles, which was too far to travel that night. so the Irishman stayed at the inn over night Some drummers staying at the same inn thought they would play a joke on the Irishman. While he was asleep they blackened his face and chang ed his clothes. In the morning before oay' light he started to his brother nome After travelling a long distance he met one of the drummers, who asked mn where he was going; He told him ana mentioned his brothers name.
 How is it." asked the drummer, tha, you are black and the man you called your brother is white?"
 "Beeorra." said the Irishman, "how dc you know that I be black?
 The drummer took a mirror from ms nocket and gave 1t to the Irishman, who looked in it for while, and then ex' claimed: . .,, woke up the wrong man." T. h.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
CALIFORNIA LEMONS.
Analysis Made of This Years Crop
 and Test is More Satisfactory.

At the request of the Earl Fruit Com pany, Messrs. Stillwell and GladdinS chemists to the New York Produce Ex- change, have made an analysis of this years California lemons. It is almost a year since a siInilar analysis was ma 1e, showing the comparative merits of Cali fornia and Sicily lemons the result of that test bcin~ widely discussed on ac- count of the favorable showing made by tn California product. The growers in California have been making every eff fort to bring their fruit to still higher degree of perfection. by scientific meth eds of cultivation. and as compared with the test made last November this year 8
 s+ is even more favor able.
 The percentage of waste matter con- sisting of pulp, seeds and rind. last year was GA per cent; this year 1t is 5S.s5 per cent, according to the last analysis. The percentage of juice was 36 per cent. last year, and this year 1t is 41.25 per cent The citric acid, equivalent to crystallized citric acid. last year was S.23 ounces per United States wine gallon; this year 1t is S,2l ounces per United States wine gallon.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17

nointments. especially cases of the young volunteer officers who recently have been appointed. It is safe to say, however, that at no period in the history of our Government has the matter of record been used to such good purposes as dur ing the present reorganization of the army, when the greatest possible care has been taken in the selection of persons for appointment in the rsorganized army. The President has not hesitaated to in- form Senator's and others who have ap- piled to him that no officer will improve his chances by sending his friends to an- noy the President in his behalf. On ths contrary, the effect which will be pro- duced probably will be directly opposite ot that which the candidate hopes for"
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
EGZ ZE-3HlA s
 ITCH $ TORTURE.

Eczema is caused by au acid humor in the blood coming in contact with the skin and producing great redness and ln- Aammation little pustular eruPtions form and discharge thin, sticky Auid' which dries and scales of sometimd the skin IS hard, dry and Assured. Eczema Tn any form is a tor1nenting, stubborn disease, and the itching and burning at times are almost unbearable; the acid burning humor seems to ooze out and set the skin on fire. Salves, washes nor other exter- nal applications do any real good' for as long as the poison remains in the blood it will keep the skin irritated.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
MILITARY FIGURE CRITICISED.
Woman Writer Objects to the Car.
 riage of the British Soldiers.

The army is catching 1t on all sides just now, and it is amusing to find that even the military figure is not exempt rom criticism. It seems that the soldier, in this matter, Is not by any means su- preme The following extract Is from the current issue of Health and Strength written by woman specialist on physical culture:
 The military figure is not the ideal of manly beauty, nor it is the ideal of strength. while with grace it is nowise concerned.
 The military figure par exceueDca is the sergeant's figure or the fun private', figure, with hollow back, and stonacf and diaphragm carried far to the front the shoulders low on the back and arms comes swaggering toward one alone the street l always feel that at the slightesi poke of my finger upon his stomach ht would buckle right up. Correct me if
 am wrong. but that's how I see them"
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
Michigan Town Swept by Flames.

West Branch, Mich. Nov. 15.-The bus lness portion of this place was swept by
 fire early today. and for a time the com plete destruction of the village was Threatened. Among the buildings de- etroyed were three hotels, G. A. R. hall. two livery stables. two residences and grocery store The losses, which are
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
Eating Horseradish.

Two Irishmen sat down at a table in a tavern. On the table was a glass of fresh-grate ed horseradish, which they had never tasted: Pat took a large spoonful, and when Mike looked up he was crying bitterly. And. Pat, what are ye crying for?" "Oh, because me father died"
 Then Mike also helped himself. Now What are ye crying about?" "Oh, bad luck to yez I'm crying because you did not die" l.. K.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
Help Yourself.

'I don't believe the Lord am a-gwine to help any O yo triggers unless yo hopes yourselves" said old Uncle Ned, as he was giving in his testimony at camp meeting. T dun knows from 'sperience. When first begun to pray said, Lord send me some chickens but the chickens did not come. Den when said. Oh, Lord. jes send me to de chickens, l always got 'em" J. A. U.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
BAD FORM OF TETTER.

" For three years l had T etter on my hands, which caused them to swell to twice their natural size. Part of the time the disease was in the form of run ming sores, very pain ful, a nd causing me much disco;ufort. Four doctors said the Tetter had progressed too far to be cured, and they could do nothing for me. took only three bottles of s. s. s. and was completely cured. This was fifteen years aCo and I h1vc T,euer
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
One on 1ustics Marshall.

Not every one enjoys telling joke on himself. but 1t Is said that the great Chief Justice, John Marshall, used to
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
A TEXAS WONDER
RALL,s GREAT DISCOVERY.

One small bottle of Halls Great Discovery cures all kidney and bladder, troubles. removes gravel cures diabetes. seminal emissions, weak and lame backs rheumatism and all IT. reguiarittes of the kidneys and bladder in ocin men and women, regulates bladder trouoies m children. If not sold by your druggist. will pc sent by mail on receipt of St. One small bot tie fs two months treatment and will cure any case above mentioned. Dr. E. ". Hs.' sole manufacturer. P. O. Box 629, St Lotus No. Send for testimonials. Sold by all orus' gists and the Montgomery Drug Company.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
READ THIS.

RIPLEY. Tenn, June L. leol.-Dr. E. M Hall. St. Louis. Mo: Having tried var,oas % remedies without Satisfactory results | "aS persuaded to give your Wonder trlai , have used one bottle and although my case ls one of long stansfing that baffled the sklh oi the keskI physicians yet 1t yielded at once 70 thsr 'T<xAs wendsss" which heartily s,ns reeSm mehds 2<as aHs s3<ff6ffng from kidney troubles Yours truly. w.sH BRUToN. Pastor Baptist Churc hRipley. Tenn.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
WHERE LAUGHTER
 SHAKES HIS SIDE
Some of the Funny Things Sent in to The Louis.
 vile Posts Contest.

relate with the keenest relish a story which he enjoyed telling none the less be- cause at his own expense. f<
 As the story goes, MT. Marshall, who at that time was a Circuit Judge. was on his way to hold court at a small. remote county seat. to reach which he had to drive some thirty miles. When only about half his journey had been accom- plished the tire of one of the wheels of his vehicle. which was an old ram shackle affair. came off and the Judge found himself unable to proceed.
 Alone on dirt road, over which there was but little travel, no human habita- ton or blacksmith shop near. here indeed was predicament! After trying for some time to evolve way out of the dilemma the Judge could not think of any expedi- ent that offered a satisfactory solution. so he decided to climb back into the buggy and wait. After he had sat thus for quite while the situation becoming more hopeless as hour after hour passed without bringing him assistance, he final ly espied far down the road an old sdarkey Jogging along on mule. When the dar- key came up the Judge said :ayPoippey. I'm in plight, as you see, and want you to tell me what to doSilit SnfvGa
 For sho' fack you is in fix, plassa," :" said the old negro who disnfo olisfted, and after eorn Ena that his se head had n his his quick eye had inosiced tsr6SiAs iby the the fGset1r Returning, he badeythsojadge heib him put the tire back in place, This being done he stripped the bark from the sap wound tightly around the tire in different places to hold it on. The Judge was much impressed by tine ingenuity and resource fulness of the old darkey. and, after thanking him and showing his gratitude in a substantial way, he said. as he started to drive on. "Pompey. l wonder why I didn't think to do this?' to which Pompey replied. T dunno, massa, 'nless it's kase some folks is jes natchy got
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
Aa Usual,

"Ah, we'll" she sighed. laying away the book, the romance is ended. They've got married"
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
Mixed on Language.

An Irishman and Dutchman met. com they thought they had met before. When they came together they saw their mis- take. Says the Irishman: "Bejabers, I thought 1t was you, and you thought 1t was me. and 1t was nather of us"
 'Oh. yah, yah" says the Dutchman, q wasn't myself and you was somebody else and we were boff mishtaken.'
 I, E Y
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17

since seen any sign of my old trouble",;MMNSS' NS L. D JACKSON, I4I4 McGee St. Aan>4' ~''y' 4UO
 S. S. S. neutralizes this acid poison' cools the blood and restores it to a healthy natural state, and the rough, uHIeS skin becomes soft, smooth ana clea.
 S :;:; $: $: ;: = ]: $: $: $! hIood ca,d for o,,r book and write us i ,So~t vo,,r 1 casc , Our physicians have ,naJn tbesa % 5;sesses | a life study, and can help you by theA advice; we make no cIiarge for this serSice. All correspondence is conducted i1 stActest confidence.
 THE SWIFT SPECIFIC CO., ATLA@TA' GA
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17

All men are a littls lower than the snaa and tSe majority considerably more so.
The Montgomery advertiser., 1901-11-17
Schedule in Effect August II, 1901.

1rbrourh trair No arrives at M0nts0meFy at .35 D. m. 1y- A Asuv through fast limited train Tor o,i no,nts North and Northwest
 -,-- .io,,at. call upon s. T. Suratt, Ticket nI, T-nion Depot, Montgomery. Ala.
 - s,,-,bsr information call upon R. W. s,;tb Pass. Agent or P. $. Hay, Southeast- ,i fPassencer Agent. No. Commerce street, Montgomery. Ala
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1901-09-27

ed. The object of the government
is establishing the training schools
is to raise the navy to q high stan.
dard of excellence. One great
featured of the school is the cruise.
An opportunity is given the boys to
sec much of the world If the boys
that have just enlisted attend to
their duties, make excellent record,
they may start out on cruise in
January. Another ship will start
on cruise next Aprial.
The recruiting officers do not en-
courage the enlistment of tough
boys who smoke cigarettes and are
not desirable companions for those
lads who have been brought up
under good home influences.
Among the boys who started for
the school yesterday was travelling
man g soma Christian church minis
ter's son, a newspaper mans hope
full, a school teachers's' heir, res
taurant keepers's soon, several
sons and doctors, law
yers' and mechanics sons. They
are a fine looking lot of boys and no
dbout will make good records.
Review. .
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1901-09-27
FOOT BALL GAME.

Amoug other attractions at the
fair there will be foot BALL game
Friday afternoon between the. high
school boys and stars, the latter be-
ing co composed Of the delivery boys.
Both teams have put in lots Of hard
practice and as there is considerable
rivlary, the chances are good for a
warm game. Although the high
school only avrage 130 lbs to 40 of
opponents they hope to make
the deficiency up in speed and Will
give them a hard game.