Sunday morning globe., 1901-08-25
Balm OF 'GIEEAD.
An Unique Enterprise is the De-
partment News.
FOLLOWS THE SUNDAY GLOBE
Pouring OIL In Tho Wounds inflicted BY Our
Exposures Of Crotodnoss In Inc Departments
al so Much Per Line and Halt Tone The
Gellomen Write Their Ouh Biographies and
Th8y Are Lieray Gems.

The Department News is unique
publication, conducted by several able
bodied surgeons and nurses somewhere
on Ninth street N. w.
1t is sold only at the Office of pub
lication, and is purchased principally
by the patients, its staff of st. Jacobs
Oil practitioners have healed. This
Balm Of Gilead' is always on tap in
the office Of the d. N. and is applied
in quantities to suit the case. If it is
an aggravated one the double column
half-tone picture Of the sufferer Is in
serted on first page, with an autobio-
graphy written by the afflicted one him
self An ordinary case is treated less
heroically, and the patients cut is
assigned to the inside columns Of the
d. n. Where the sufferer declines the
expense of a half-tone double column,
he is treated with editorial oil, and his
lacerauons healed by the chief su;.
geon in person.
TO be more comprehensive and come
down to plain facts, the Department
News has a mission, and Is energetic
and conscientious in the performance
Of the same. The position Of censor on
the d. p. is filled by a grave, tactiturn
and fatherly-looking gentleman Of
some 45 autumns His duty as reader
and censor is to carefully scan the col
umns of the Sunday Globe and cut out
the names and Offices of the oficials
written up for theft, graft, negligence
of duty, or other cause, and paste the
same on white slips Of paper. These
slips are submitted to the chief sur
geons and nurses Of the d. N. every
Monday morning, and a diagnosis Is
made separately of each case; the
treatment or quantity Of "oil" deter
mined which the wounds (made by
The Globes writers) require, and then
the chief nurse is entrusted with the
data with instructions to visit each pa
tient and inform him Of the quantity
of oil it will take to effect a cure, and
the cost of the same.
Thus, in one issue Machen required
double column cut, and three sticks
Of biography, written by Gus" himself
i'm his most famboyant style. Geddes,
Lyman ct al consumed large quanti-
ties Of space, with their cults and BIZ
ographies and several extra gallons Of
oil was poured on their smarting
wounds.
In the issue of Saturday last the
d. n had the following1named patients,
whom Globe readers will recognize as
individuals who have passed under The
Globes circular saw and got cut up,
more or less severely: Milton e. Allies,
Assistant Secretary Of the Treasury
first page, half-tone double column; H..
Clay Evans, half-tone double column;
Colonel Crook, stepfather Of Priddy,
and the Presidents confidential friend,
extra application of editorial oil at the
hands of the chief nurse; and Edward
B. Moore, the great Patent Office gen
eralisimo and exquisite Beau Brummel,
double column half-tone and an ex-
ira long biography, showing himself
to be the smartest and greatest freak
of luck in any of the Departments in
our imperiallstic Government.
Mr.. Milton Allies describes himself
i'm d. ~ as having risen more rapidly
to his present position than any other
official in the service Of the Govern
ment. In comparison to Vanderlips
overpowering genius, Aries insinuates
that his record and genius are more
phenomenal. He acknowledges to be-
ing born in Montra Ohio, a village Of
$50 inhabitants, Of whom 161 hold
down State or national offices, the chill
dren being too young and the women
too lazy to serve the Government, there
are 1o1 Of them still in the village.
Old Ben lie Feyre secured a position
for Allies as a messenger. Ben suppos-
ed that Allies was a Democrat. Mr..
Allies says Of himself:
Personally, l am one Of the most
genial of men, and not even the
"roasts' Of the Sunday Globe can sour
my sunny disposition. have a keen
sense Of humor, and hence my portrait
and autobiography at $40 per in the
d. N. as a stand off to The Globes ad-
verse criticism Of my habit Of posing
and initiating Vanderlip, an indiyidual.
by the way whom ! taught the rudi-
ments Of financial science to, and who
is as inferior mentally to myself as a
coolie Chinaman to Minister WI"
II. Clay Evans, as he writes Il, not
liking to be known as "a Henle," hail
ing, as he does, from the borders Of
Berks County, Dutchland, Pennsylva-
mia, occupies a double column, with
halt-tone portrait on the editorial
page. After a long-winded account Of
his parentage, after the usual manner
Of all photographed writer's, he f.
nally comes down to his own biography
and says:
after the war, / noticed that there
was a world Of work to be done In the
South, and as the North had enough OF
idle eX-soldiers, chose Chattanooga,
Tennessee, as the field Of my opera
tions. OF course, / had a line on the
city, having done all my soldering as
clerk, in one capacity or another, and
Republicans being scarce, had Il all
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