Deseret evening news. [volume] (Great Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1867-1920, 1901-01-05
'hotO by Kameke, The Hague,

chickens, the veteran oliiceholder called
her daughter and said
MY child, It's meet'that / should tell
you how to keep your office till death
or marriage do you part from It. OBJ
serve yon four men approaching? They
Will get no mail. but see you TO II that
they get the sympathetic feminine APP
probation 50 precious to the manly
heart. First comes Jehonidab Joram,
sour and cranky, called Jolly Joram be-
cause he was never known to smile.
Through the imperceptible hypnotiza-
ton of gentle hints give him to I'M
derstand that you know he bears with
In his breast the hidden sorrow Of be-
Ing misunderstood; that behind his
cross grained, old hennish manner lie
the sweetest temper and the tenderest
heart compatible With q manly soul. So
shall you win his support for aye.
Observe Professor Braddeus Borch-
gevinck, a bore with a mania for lee
turing and reading poetry to his ac-
Quaintances-a bore so frightful that
when he rises TO address the multitude
men flee as from death on a pale horse.
Say to him we shall be glad 10 have
him come tonight and read to us in his
most fiery dramatic manner his essay
on the true difference between the eth
nology and the ethology Of the Igdul-
frazgians and the Lugalzaggisans So
shall Professor Braddeus Borchgevinok
be yours till death.
Behold next the third voting oitl-
zen, Deacon Grumpy Gridley You can
not praise him for his good looks. good
manners, good clothes or literary gem
ius. He has none Of these and he
knows II. He is obstinate beyond de-
scription, and his pride In himself Is
that he cannot be hattered. Ask him.
my daughter, what he thinks of the
Fire Eating insurance stock as an in
vestment for the small savings Of lone
women who have not mans strong
arm or brain to depend upon either for
support or advice, Say to him you
know his experience as well as his UNI
errlng natural shrewdness and his sur
passing power Of reasoning will enable
him to give us precisely the counsel we
need, Say that In the next nominating
convention you trust the Squabbletown
citizen who is a natural leader OF men
will get just recognition. He wants to
go 10 the state senate worse than he
wants to 20 TO paradise, and that will /
fetch him. He will happily himself all |
the way home, and some OF these fe- |
llcitous thought waves will be sure 20 |
vibrate as far as this postofFice and you.
Last OF all, in the gathering gloam- |
ing in the vista beyond the grocery |
advances one more voter-plain will |
Ham Jones Yet not alone IS he. His /
wife Is beside him as ever He is not |
beautiful or wise or magnetic. yet his /
wife deems him all three, therefore Is /
she wildly Jealous and never allows him I
to leave her, He has not the qualities I
of great political leader, neither COM .
mercial foresight nor hindsight, and he I
would not care a straw for them IL he /
had. one thing in life he does care for I
r-eatng-and Mrs. Jones intimate lady 4
friends aver her TO be the poorest cook |
and the LATEST woman in SQuabble. |
town. My child be up and doing In.
vite him and Mrs. Jones to dinner on
Christmas. Spare neither pains nor ex.
pense' TO please Jones. See to II that
the cranberry sauce is without skins
TO rake the Jones palate, Watch that
the turkey be brown and tender; have
a dash OF costly brandy, not too faint,
In this voters after dinner coffee. So
shall YOU grapple the Jones influence TO
your soul with hooks Of steel
NV dauphtcr pvprV man aIiva oor /
be BATTERED by a woman, Lay you II on
thick. Chortle sweetly. Praise each
one not so much for the good qualities
he manifests as for those lie most de-
sires 20 appearpossessed OF. SO shallyou
hold a postoilice long In the land the IA.
theirs have given you. May you be hap
pyw