davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
French wIt.

The court of Louis NV, even ut the
end of the seventeenth century, was al
ready a synonym for that dclicate cpl
grammatic cleverncss essentially
French. Wit was the mode, the su-
prcme mode among the wittlcst people
In the world and In an age which was
prc-cminently the nge of good talk and
bad deeds.
Monsieur" said Louis to n new en-
bassador, what l chiefly desire to i'm
press upon you is that you follow line
Of conduct entirely different from that
of your predecessors"
"Sirc," replied the ambassador, 81 in
tend to act SO that your majesty will
not need to give such an instruction to
my successor"
Here indeed one might be daring but
not duh, and frank but not feeble.
When Bassompicrre, ambassador to
Madrid, related to the monarch how
he had entered that city on hand
some mule, ooh. OH" said Louis, with
llingly Wit, "what a fine thing to see
an ass on n mulc!"
'Nery fine, SIRE" replied Bnssom-
pierre. II was representing your
COrnhill.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
A Humorou. Turk.

A typical Turkish humorist was Kho-
in Nasreddin Effcndi, who lived in tho
fourteenth century. OF him this story
is told:
"Onc Friday the khoja's fellow vii
layers insisted OH his preaching n scr.
mon In the mosque, which he had nev-
er done, not having any oratorical
gifts. He mounted the pulpit sorcly
against his will and, looking around at
the congregation. asked in despair, 'Oh,
true believers. do you know what am
going to say to youY They naturally
replied. NO We'll. am sure DON'T
he said and hurriedly left the mosque.
The congregation We're, however. deter
mined to have their sermon and next
Friday forced him again into the pull
pit. When he again put the same ques-
tion, they replied by agreement Yea
oh. them he said, If you know I
needn't tell you.' and again escaped.
On tho third Friday the villagers made
what they thought must be a successful
plan. They got the khoja into the pull
pit and when he asked what had now
become his usual question replied.
Some of us know and some of us
don't Then replied the khoja, let
those OF you who know tell those who
don't After this the congregation re-
signed themselves to do without SER
mons. '-"Turkey In Europe" by Odys-
SeuS.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Kept the Bonnet COMPANY.

AASRA NMC AbOhuCN SOupHnys
The story of an elderly couple who
lived in Il Massachusetts town nearly
so years ago is told by some of the old
est inhabitants with much JUNCTION.
The lady had been bcreft of one help
meet, and her second husband had
twice been left widower before the
pair were united in the bonds of mat
silnony. They We're both OF that tenn
permanent which causes its possessor to
be characterized as set"
On the wedding day the bride found
In the back entry, on n conspicuous
nail, sunbonnet which had belonged
to her Immediate predecessor. She re.
moved 1t to oblivion in closet.
Her newly welded husband made no
comment, but replaced the sunbonnct
on its accustomed mil.
During the next few days the calico
hcadgear vibratcd with more or less
regularity between the closet and the
nail. Thehthere came day when the
bride approached her husband with q
mans hat in her hand us he was In tho
act Of relnstalling the sunbonnet.
III you have that sunbonnet there"
she said firmly, II shall hang up my
FIRST husbands hat on the next nail"
She looked mt the bridegroom ard
met the counterpart Of her own e1-
preston. She hung the hat on the dcs-
ignated nail. and, although the two
people lived to be very old, neither the
hat nor the sunbonnet. ever moved
again till the house came into the
hands Of new owner.-Youth's Com
paDlOn,
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
THE BAND PLAYED "DlME., /,
And sousa Won the IIcnrts of the
PeOplC ut Enyettcv,lla

And SOusa Won the IIcnrts of the
People tat Fayetteville.
When North Carolina celebrated its
centenary, the Marine band was ORDER
ed to Fayetteville to participate In the
ceremonies, said Bandmaster Sousa.
The little southern town was much in
terested In the advent of the "presi-
dents band," and the prevailing opln-
ION was that "DiNie" would be tahooed
music with us. Before the exercises a
local committee waited upon me and
intimatcd that "Dixie" was popular
melody in that vicinity.
"Of course" said the spokesman, Eve
don't want you to play anything you
don't want to, but please remember,
Sir, that we are very fond of Dixie
here"
Bowing gravcly, thanked the COM
lnittee for their interest in my pro-
grammc, but left them completely in
the dark as to whether Intended to
play the loved song of the south or not.
The ceremonies opened with patri-
otlc address by Governor Fowlc laud-
ing the glorics of the American flag,
and naturally the only appropriate mu-
Sic to such IL sentiment was "Thc Star
Spnngled Ranncr," which the crowd
patrlotlcally chccrcd.
The tone of the succeeding orntion
was equally fervid. but the speaker en-
larged upon the glories of the common
wealth whose one hundrcdth anniver-
sary was being celebrated. The orator
sat down. and there was a momentary
pause, and then ns raised my baton
the strains OF "DiNie" fell upon the de-
lighted ears of the thousands round the
platform.
The unexpected had happened, and
such a shout as went up from that
throng I have never heard cqualed.
Hats were tossed In the air, gray hair
ed men embraced. and for few min
utcs a jubilant pandcmonium reigned
supreme. During the rest Of our stay
in Fayetteville the rcpcrtory of the Ma
rine band was on this order: yankee
Doodle" Dixie" "Star Spanglcd Ban
ncr." "Dixic," "Rcd, White ana Blue"
Dixie. youths Companion.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
king Richard In a Kitchen.

"..ctors of the old school did not
have the gorgeous stage settings Of the
prescEt." said IL veteran stage manager
the other night US he gazed at the stage
In Nord's Opera House while in
reminiscent mood. II remember once
we were playing southern towns with
Edwin Booth and wanted to put on
Richard H. No special scenery was
carried for this, and I was told yo look
over the stock at the theater to see if
there was any that could be used.
The second scene called for the en-
trance of the king and all his couricrs
into royal hall. picked out n set
of scenery that thought would do
for the palace, but cautioned the stage
hands not to get 1t on wrong side out.
Well. the first scene was finished, md
when the stage was disclosed for the
second there was the typical old kitch-
Ell scene. the one With hams hanging
from the raftcrs, candlestick on the
mantel and all that. l was Mortified
and asked Mr.. Booth If we should
change it by ringing down the curtain.
He said no, he would go on. but he
cautioned the other players to keep
your eyes on me; don't under any con-
sidcration look behind you at the seem
cry
We'll. the scene went Off, and after
ward. when asked some of those in
the front of the house, they made no
comment, and was convinced that in
the Intensity of the acting they had not
noticed that the king was in the kltch-
Ell instead Of the palace" Baltimore
Sim
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Where Will Road Be Putq

Where Will Road Be Put?
Sioux City Journal.
The question as to what dis
position in an operating way shall
be made Of the Sioux City & Pa
cific railroad has been under dis
cussion during the last few days
by the Chicago & North Western
operating officials in Chicago.
Something of their deliberations
was learned yesterday.
If the report which has reached
Sioux City is to be believed, it is
certain in the first place that the
Sioux City & Pacific will be separ-
ated from the Fremont, Elkhorn
& Missouri Valley railroad, with
which it now is closely linked.
The officers of the Elkhorn are
the officers of the Sioux City e.
Pacific. The general manager,
general superintendent and super
intendent of the two roads are the
same. But under the change
which is coming, it is said, the
Sioux City & Pacific will be
merged into the North Western
proper. That much having been
determined the next question was
as to which division of the North
Western the Sioux City & Pacific
should be made a part.
Up to this time it always has
been conjectured that the Sioux
City & Pacific would be made a
part of tie western Iowa division,
with headquarters at Lake City;
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
All There.

A philanthropic citizen of Dasllvillc,
moved by sympathy for his unfortu-
nate townspeople, who were suffering
from want during an exceedingly cold
winter. arranged a public entertain
lncnt In their behalf.
No admission fee was charged, but It
was announced that collection would
be taken.
The evening came, and the hall was
we'll filled. The entertainment, con-
sisting Of recitations. music and anna
tcur slcight of hand performances, was
generously applaudcd. and with much
satisfaction the philanthropic citizen,
assisted by the performers, proceeded
to take up the contributions.
They amounted to 5s. Cd.
Well" he said to the audience after
he had counted the money, this col
lection, as you understand, Is for the
benefit OF the poor-and they seem to
be all here."-London Tit-Bits.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
THE uNsPEAkABLE TURK.
lie scorns All Effort hut Mllitar%
Service and Agriculture.


Service and Agriculture.
A Turk thinks 1t the most natural
thing in the world to lose province
and, having lost 1t, to quit and live
elsewhere. he talks quite complacent-
ly Of leaving Constantinople some day.
He will go over to Asia and found an
other capital. lie originates nothing.
He takes what he finds without as
similating it and remains profoundly
Turkish. He leaves no trace of his
occupation except ruins. Practically
there is nothing ut Belgrade, Sofia and
Athens to show that for centuries they
We're Turkish cities.
All occupations, except agricultural
and military service. are distasteful to
him. Yet there are two other charae.
tcristics even more important than
these. The first is his sense Of disci-
pl!ne. 1t is this which keeps together
the apparently tottering fabric Of the
Turkish empire. 1t makes the half fed,
half clothed soldier ready to endure
every privation and prevents the cor
ruptlon and incapaclty OF the officers
from producing the anarchy which
would be inevitable in my other coun-
try. Scdition Is unknown. Even COM
plants are rare. and were holy war
proclaimed there Is not man who
would not be prepared to die in de-
fcnsc OF the system of extortion which
grinds him down.
Ills second characteristic is his lazi-
ness. in spite of the laborious indus
try of the Turkish peasant. The fact
is that the Turk is too proud to DO
many things. too stupid to do others.
His religion inculcatcs a fatalism
which tends to conviction that eff
fort Is useless.-London Telegraph.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Now York i, Provincial.

Perhaps there is no city quite so pro-
vincial as New York. says A. Maurice
Low in The Atlantic, due to the fact
that the average New Yorker, whether
III society or business. has got into the
habit Of patronizing the inhabitants of
any other city. The New York bust
ness man complacently feels that the
rest of the country is financed by New
York and must do us New York tells 1t.
The society man or woman of New
York believes that outside Of New
York, with few exceptions. there is no
society worthy of the name, and what
society does exist is merely n bad imi-
tation of its New York prototype.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
USEFUL SNOW.
nxe For 1t Much of tue Earth woulA
Re Little Rcttcr Thnn n Deaerf.

H6c For 1t Much of the Earth Would
Ee Little Better Thmn Desert.
III all the condensed moisture of tho
atmosphere We're to fall as rain and
none OF 1t as SHOW. hundreds of thou
sands of square miles of the carth's
surface now yielding bountiful crops
would be little better than desert,
The tremendous economic gain for the
world at large which results from the
difference between snow and rain Is
seldom realized Gy the Inhabitants OF
fertile and we'll watcrcd lowlunds.
1t is in tl:a extensive regions where ir-
rigation is prime necessity In agricu).
ture that the special uses Of the snow
como chiefly into view. All through
the winter the snow is falling upon tho
high monntans and packing itself
firmly into the raviMcs. Thus in ma
lures great icehoGse Il supply of moiS-
ture is stored up for the following suns
Nor.
All through tho warm months the
hardened snowbanks are melting grad
ually. In triclSlins streams they stead
lily feed the rivers, which as they flow
liliouSll tl!e NalleNS are ulll!Zc0 lOr lr.
rigation. lf this moisture fell as rain.
1t would almost Immediately wash
down through the rivers. which would
hardly lie fed Mt nll In the summer.
when the crops most needed water.
These facts are so we'll known rs to
be commonplace In the Salt Lake val
ley and in the subarid regions Of the
west generally. They are not SO welf
understood in New Jersey or Ohio
where snow Is sometimes a plctur.
csque, sometimes disagrceable, fca-
turc of winter
In all parts Of the country the notion
prevails that the snow is of great value
as fertilizer. Scientists, however, arc
inclined to attach less Importance to its
service in soil nutrition-for some re-
gions which have no snow are exceed
ingly fcrtile-than to it's worth as O
blanket during the months of high
winds. 1t prevents the blowing off OF
the finely pulverizcd richness of the
top soil. This, although little perceiv-
ed, would often be a very great loss.
In natures every form there Is mean
ing.-Youths Companion.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
A HOmcly Reaucat.

Men Of influence must often he anus.
cd at the odd requests made to them by
persons ignorant Of the limitations Of
human power.
While well known r. A. was at
Bnlmoral, painting a picture for the
queen, one Of his models was great,
brawny fellow, who had wandered in
to the highlands from London, where
he had been a costcrmongcr. One day
when the Il. A. was painting the man
said:
"You be often along o. the queen. I
wish you'd ask favor O. her for me-"
What is it!" asked the II. A. "Per-
haps she might grant it,"
We'll. sir, you see. keeps pig, and
I should be very much obliged to her
II she would let me have her swill."-
London Standard.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Played Prank. on ,nc ,,,.hon

So kind and obliging is the bishop Of
Norwich, England, that n host of sto-
tics arc told about how he has got him
self into trouble by his willingness to
help others. Ono day he was to hold a
confirmation in a small town and, ar
riving some time before the hour for
service, took stroll His steps led
him to the outskirts of the towl, and
passing picturesque little cottage, he
stopped to admire 1t. A pretty little
garden separated the cottage from the
road, finished off With neat hedge and
green gate.
"Oh, please, sir" said voice from
the other side of the hedge, would you
open the gate for me-"
This the bishop Mt once did. Then, to
his surprise, instead of the tiny child
he had expected there stepped forth
girl big enough to have opened the gate
herself
"And why, my DEAR" said DIR. Sheep
shanks, could you not open the gate
for yoursclf?"
please, sir, because the paints wet"
said the girl.
A glance Mt his hand convinced the
bishop of the absolute truth of her
statement.
Another story, which the bishop de-
mics, yet which is told of him, rclntcs
that a small girl, having tried vainly
to reach Il linockcr on IL door, asked the
bishop to rap it for her. Then she ad-
viscd him to run away us she intended
to do.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Her Age.


1t Is not an ordinary lawyer who can
overcome woman's reluctance to tell
her age Here is one of many failures
in that line of effort.
".lnd what is your age, madam?"
was the attorneys question.
My own" she answered promptly.
II understand that, madam, but how
old are you!'
II am not DID, sir" with indignation.
II beg your pardon, madam. mean
how many years have you passcd?"
"Nonc. The years have passed me-"
GLOW many of them have passed
youY"
"All. 1 never heard of them stop
ping"
Madam, you must answer my qucs-
ton. l want to know your age"
II don't know that the acquaintance
is desired by the other side"
II don't see why you insist upon re-
fusing to answer my question:" said
the attorney coaXingly. II am sure
would tell how old 1 was If were
asked"
"But nobody would ask you, for
everybody knows you arc old enough
to know better than to be asking a
woman her age, SO there"
And the attorney passed on to tho
next question.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Appcnranccs.

They have called to solicit the FIRMS
assistance for local charity.
Greene-Suppose we ask this gentle
mcn that is coming up the nislc.
Gray-No; he's dressed too well, and
he has too much the air of enterprise
and activity. lie Is undoubtedly an un-
derling on q small salary. We Will tac-
klc that slouchy looking, woebcgonc
little man ut the desk. He Is sure to
be the head of the establishment
Boston Transcript.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Melrose.

The late rains canse some
pieces Of corn to look sick.
Mrs Alf Carter has been sick
the past week.
is McGavren Sundayed with
his family in the country home
the 23d.
@ U Myers was selling hogs in
Modale the first of the week.
John Karnee, of York, Neh, is
visiting with his cousins at the
home of his aunt, Mrs Elizabeth
Bird.
Mrs d H Reedy is slowly inn
proving, SO report says.
The weeds and grass have got
such start by the continued rains
that the farmers will be kept busy
getting the corn work out of the
way of harvest.
Mrs Myers and Freely Sundayed
with Mr. and Bertha Edwards.
John Piercy aud two of his
smaller brothers passed through
town Sunday on their way to the
low lands on the bottom.
The smallpox, or Cuban itch
proper, has at last camped east of
Melrose. A family named Parry
living over in hangman cannon
are reported afflicted with it.
Charley Gilmore and r M Os-
borne we're both on the market at
Modals Monday with hogs.
Grandma Garner was thought
to be considerably worse the first
of the week.
Miss Susie Bird started Monday
from Logan for Cedar Falls to at
tend summer school.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Thing. You ncnr.

You no doubt hear" things every
day that nre not true and repeat them.
Try not to do 1t. 1t is surprising how
and cruel. 1t is surprising how many
people like this sort of talk. BE above
circulating an untrue and damaging
story about any one to oblige some mis-
chievous gossip.-Atchison Globe.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
A NccessIty.

The sage has had his say against
marrying in haste; here is the same
thought with pretticr coloring.
A solemn and awe inspiring bishop
was examining class of girls and
asked:
"What is the best preparation for the
sacrament of matrimonyY
"a little coortln, me lord!" was the
unexpected reply of one Of the num-
Der. whose nationality may be guessed.
Exchange.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
The rational and scientific treatmen,
which cures 80 per cent of all
human ailments.
Write For Particulars.
Booklet Free.

Thyroid-Lymph Co, Lincoln. Neb
am AZ glad to have an opportunity to say a
word for your remedies, because of tho great
help my Willie has derovcd from them. He i.
IL years old and has been afflicted with non
developed nerve centers all his life.
When brought him to you for treatment he
could not put his tongnc out far enough TO catch
hold OF it. At the end of five weeks treatment
he could put it out of his mouth an inch and u
half. Tie has had five months treatment. and
not only has he been wonderfully helped in
speech, but the expression of his face has also
been greatly improved You said 1t would take
at least years treatment to cure him perfectly.
shall not despair if it takes Longer time. That
the world may know how much appreciate
what these remedies have done and are doing
for my boy, l write you.-Mrs. Eta Mower. 2O3G
U street, Lincoln, Nebraska.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
AsEravntins.

doesn't seem to like the new professor
of the school.
Mr.. Meddcrgrass-No; l reckon not.
hcrcd some OF the fellcrs Mt the store
say he had wrote all his postal cards in
Latin or some other furrin language
Baltimore American.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
The spider,. Thre.d.

The body Of every spider contains
four little masses pierced with a multi
tude Of holes. imperceptible to the na-
ked eye. each hole permitting the pas.
sage of single thread. All the threads,
to the amount Of 1000 to each mass.
Join together when they come out and
make the single thread with which the
spider spins Its web. so that what We
Gull spiders thread consists Of more
than 1000 threads united.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Then shc poutel.

Darling" said she. do you love me
as much as evcrY
"Yes, dearie," said he, with his nose
buried in his newspaper.
That ought to have satisfied her, but
she had to ask, "Why?
"Oh. dunno. Habit, suppose"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
A Mnrtyr.

Glow can you call old Bogles mar.
tyr to his principles when every ono
Knows he died of indigcstion"
Exactly. He died because he was
devoted to the principle Of allowing no
doctor on earth to dictate what he
should eat" t."-Indianapolis Journal.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Low Ratios West and North
West this Summer

Low Rates West and North
West this Summer
Via the Northwestern line. Ex-
cursion tickets will be sold to San
Francisco, Los Angeles, Portland,
Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver and
other Colorado, Utah and Pacific
coast points, as we'll as st Paul,
Minneapolis, Duluth, Dakota Hot
Springs, etc, at greatly reduced
rates, with favorable return limits,
on various dates during the sum-
mer season. Frequent fast trains,
through sleeping cars, chair cars,
dining cars. The best of every
thing. For dates of sale and full
particulars inquire of ticketagents
Chicago & Northwestern R'y.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27

A kitten has been brought up on IN
exclusively vegetable diet by a family
OF yegetarlans. The result Is that II
will not touch animal food. and 1t pays
no attention to rats or mice.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Very Low Rates to Cincin-
natl, Ohio,

Via the North Western line. Ex-
cursion tickets will be sold at
greatly reduced rates for the round
trip on account of G = convention
to be held at Cincinnati, July 6 to
10. For dates of sale, etc, apply
to agents Chicago & Northwest
ern R'Y.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
Word Of Caution,

"Never propose to girl by letter"
"Why notY'
Il did 1t once. and she stuck the let-
ter in book she was reading and lent
1t to my other girL"-Chicago Record.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-27
competent Physicians
Charge Of Offices.

In the carly part of January, 1901, 1 came to
you for treatment for paralysis, and am glad
TO be able to testify that tho paralysis is cured
am sill feeling aome weak, hut think few
months more treatment will make me ~ we'll
and strong as man of 40 years could expect to
be. talk to everybody sec about your remc-
dics think they cannot be beat.-A. H.
Smith, Rokeby, Ncb.