The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1901-01-19
LAFF AND GRO PLAT.
Facctious Paragraphs to Produce Smiles
and Chuckles.

do you believe there are marriages
in Heaven?" "Well, do you suppose
I'd have bothered with them on earth
If l did?"
| In the lobby of the House two men,
hers of parliament were discussing the
honor being paid to Ireland and Irish
troops. One was Scotchman, the
other an lrislman. The man from
Scotland said, condesccndingly: Its
Il very weel to praise the Irish SOL
dicrs," and he proceeded to explain
that while he was glad they were to
wear the shamrock on st. patrick's
day, it must not be forgotten that the
liigllanders had been fighting bravcly,
too: they expected no special mark of
favor for their services. they were al
ways ready to brave death for their
queen, and their loyalty was beyond
reproach.' The Irishman interrupted
Indignantly: 81 would have We know,
SIR he cried, "thcrcs as true Il heart
beats under an Irish soldiers tunic as
beneath any Ilighlandcr's KILT" In
less than ten minutes the story had
gone round the house.
Teacher Ito applicant for admission
Johnnie. have you got Il certificate of
vaccination? YES, sir" "lIave YOU
been innoculatcd for croup?" Eyes,
sir" Had your arm scratched with
cholera bacilli?" YES SIR" "IIave
you written guarantee that you are
proof against whooping cough, measles,
mumps, and old agc?" Eyes, sir"
DO you promise not to ex-
change spongcs with the boy next
to you and never use any but your own
pencll?" eyes, sir" Twill you agree
to have your books fumigatcd with
sulphur and sprinkle your clothes with
chloride Of lime once II wcell?" Eyes,
sir" Johnnie, you have met the first
requirements Of the modern sanitnri-
UNI, and may now climb into seat,
and forthwith begin to learn
First Correspondence native run
ner has arrived, but the Beers way
laid him and he swallowed his dis
patches. Second Corrcspondcnt-Oh,
well, that's probably more than the
public would have done.
Poetess-I bring you here another
poem. Edltor-Tm very sorry, but
you're too expensive for us. Poetess
How SO? My first poem cost you
nothing. Editor-Oh, yes, it did-ffty
subscribers.
The Smart Girl-I'm tired of send
ing poetry to the papers. 1t all comes
back few days later. The Smart
Youth-Oh, l can tell you how to alter
that. The Smart Girl-How? The
Smart Youth-Don't inclosc stamped
envelope
An English correspondent tells TINS
story: "Two Alsatians among the
German troops at Tientsn were in
their tent, and an English soldier was
passing. Said one Alsatian to the
other, "Schang, Schynt d'Sunn schun?"
John, is the sun shining yet?), and the
other Alsatian replied, Jal d'Sunn
schynt schun lang (Ycs, the sun
has been shining long time) The
English soldier listened and shook his
head. Wonderful cOves, those Ger
MANS he exclaimed. Only been here
Il week, and bowed il they amt talk
ing Chinese already"
"Now, sir" said the cross-examining
counsel, edo you, ON your oath, swear
that this is not your handwriting?"
"Im pretty sure it amt" was the re-
ply. "Docs it resemble your writing?"
II reckon not" "Do you take your
oath that this writing does not resem-
BILE yours?' eyes, sir" "Now, will
you kindly let me see specimen Of
your handwriting?" "No, l won't"
ooh, you wont, Ell? And why won't
you?" "'Cause can't write"
at seems to be an actual fact that
an Indian never laughs" Nonsense!
Didn't Longfellow make Minnehaha?"
The professor happened in at the
doctors the other morning and found
him polishing the belongings on the
sideboard. "Improving the shining
hours, are you?" he said. mo, sir"
replied the doctor. "I'm improving tho
shining cwers." "H'm!" calculated
the professor "Whose are they?"
"They're ours" "Well, isn't that what
1 said?"
"How do you find me, doctor?"
every bad. You are worn out and 1t
is necessary that you give up all head
work." "That would ruin me, doctor.
Don't you know Pm barber?"
"You don't seem well this morning"
remarked the shark. whats the mat
ter?" "a little touch of Indigestion"
replied the whale. "You seem to be
subject to that quite often" Yes.
Hereditary in our family since Jonah's
time"