Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1901-02-09
DANGER IN THE BOOK
WHY ONE MAN DREADED THE COM.
ING INTO CAMP OF A DICTIONARY.

He DiscreetIy Left Before the vocff
erOusly ADplauded Sentiments HI
Expressed In His Speech Could b
Analysed la Webster.
When the son of the president Of tn
y Big Mountain Lumber company cam
into the mountains to learn the bust
ness, so to speak, I knew within /!
minutes that he had come to tn,
wrong place. He was city chap, new
~ graduated and thoroughly out O.
touch with everything mountainous
He was 3 bright fellow, however, ant
amply capable, only the mountain:
were not the field for his development
AS time elapsed his distaste grew, anC
! it was all he could do not to express
his opinion Of the mountain people
their manners, customs, homes, morals
and everything connected with them
He was wise enough to conide in me
alone and bided his time to get away
to some more congenial cline. And
he got away sooner than he expected
] ~ AAebPPSAOu LhbI CAC4S was " PAN1lS
meeting one night at the sawmill shed,
and he was called on to make a few
remarks. Every other man at the
meeting except myself, who acted as
chairman, was Of the mountains, and
their fliterate talk had reused the
young college fellow to the limit. He
saw chance to get even, in his own
mind at least, and when the call came
for him he responded promptly. His
speech, quite brief, but to the point
was as follows, copied from his own
manuscript, even the [applausCl part:
''My friends, am glad to meet you
on this occasion, for l have wished to
say to you publicly what think of
you, though our acquaintance has not
been long. Coming as a stranger
among you, was only partly prepared
for what was in store. Now. let me
say to you that half has not been told
me. [Applause.] In the internecine
arena your lethiferous conduct has
artounded me by the trucidation and
decision characterizing it among no
men have ever known. Loud ap-
plause.l In the diversified field of
mendacity your efforts would make
Machiavelli take to the tall timber.
[Uproarious applause.l In all fura,
cious, raptorial and predacious pur.
suits you have done such wonders
that the gifted and great Jonathan
Wild would have felt his latrociny
was sounding brass and his direption
a tinkling cymbal. [Great applause.]
In the broad expanse of labor your
torpescent oscillation has made you
sui generis among all pandiculate man
kind. [Cheers and shouts of "Good for
us!'] AS good livers, your tables
groan beneath theif stercoraceous and
impet1ginous burden, and as drinkers,
your temulent bibacity has made the
crapulous reputation Of Bacchus to be |
a sign of pufitanical abstemisusness.
loud applause.l AS for yourselves, / |
take pleasure in saying here to you.
without fear of successful contradic-
tion that your nugacity is forever
established; as observers of the law,
your aberrance is Pathological, and |
personally you are cohesive concat-
enation of rubigant exuviae, that /
take especial pleasure in believing does
not exist elsewhere on earth. EVocif-
erous applause, ]"
When the enthusiasm had cooled
down somewhat, he proceeded to speak
on the subjects before the meeting and
sat down. The mountaineers were
pleased to death with the college mans
high flown speech about them, and !
though didn't know the meaning, of
Ill the big words he used did know
hat he had been calling them liars and
nurderers and thieves and scoHndrels
ind droI1es and lawless drunkards, be-
sides cOndemning their fare and anath.
the lot Of them personally. /.
But not one of them suspected, and i
vas hoping nothing would come of it
Ind they would forget, even if any Of
he large words were remembered.
when one day a book agent drove up
% the office in blackboard and an
bounced that he was selling Websters
Unabridged Dictionary for So copy
Ind showed a sample that was as big
IS box of soap.
Nobody had ever seen.so much book
or the money, nor had anybody ever
cen dictionary in that neighborhood,
md when the agent began to tell what
valuable thing it was to be in every
amily the men became interested, and
wasn't long until the agent had sold ,
3 copies, to be delivered the following
week. When he had gone away with
lis sample, | called the young man
nto the private Office for consultation.
Don't say word" he began as
DON as he had closed the door. s'I
now exactly where am at, and II
ii be some place else before Mr.. Web
ter arrives to throw any light on my
ecent remarks. am not shedding
nv tears, and lip order that the die {
iOnary buyers and others may know
1st what think of them shall leave t
wo dozen copies Of my speech for dis
ribution on the morning of my de-
arturo"
He did just as he said he would, and
was a good thing for him that he !
ooT hoo