Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1901-06-13
A CHAPTER ON UMBRELLAS.
A Stan Reporter Writes on the Often
Coniscated Article.


when we begin 70 look up our um
brellas, a few hints in reference there
to may not be amis,. 4 person with
a few years experience will notice
great many peeuliaritles about UNI
breilas and the longer he studies
the less be ; liable to know about
them. am that way about good
many things, only | scarcely even
admit IT, aud neither do other folks
Umbrellas are like yellow dogs;
they belong to whoever comes first
and when not needed are even more
useless. An umbrella is not orna-
mental nor pretty 1t IS useful or
nothing and the more expensive it is
the more liable it will be to try to
turn itself wrong side out and expose
its gizzard to an unfeeline aud re-
lentless world
Among numberless other eccen-
tricities YOU viii had upon close OBJ
seryation that umbrellas have the
most delightful habit Of being at the
wrong end Of the route Ii it rains
when you are down town, you may
depend upon it your umbrella will be
at home aud if it should happen 10 be
at home when a shower comes up,
You may swear your umbrella is Mt
the office, And unless you are bet
ter than most people you do swear.
That is, you do when you are out of
hearing OF your family. have also
noticed that it never rains when you
carry your umbrella with you
The weather man must have good
deal Of fun watching folks start out
on bright morning when the sky
looks as dry as a sermon on church
creeds, aud then when they are half
way at their journeys end turn on
rip-snOrting rain-storm.
The only way to be safe is to have
two umbrellas. one for each end of
your daily trip and then you will dis
cover that you have very opportunity
left both at one end.
Umbrellas are like cats. They are
privileged property and all colors.
They make no selection OF their
society but associate with anyone
An umbrella gets Just rs much en-
joyment ont OF cutting mp capers
witt 2 decrepit old woman as with
John L sullivan and it would just
al soon, or a little rather leak on a
selate and dignitied clergyman as on
a beautiful dude Umbrella holders
are made to hold umbrellas, but they
never hold them All they hold is
umbrella juice which is the extract
after a rain, but ii is not useful. 1t
gets into a good many places but
does nobody any good.
There is an umbrella etiquette but
it is not always observed When
your neighbors carry on your UNI
brella. that means that YOU got left,
and if he iabs it into your short ribs.
that is a sign that you are good
man and Will not swear. If kind
person allows the umbrella juice to
ran down your back, that is a good
sIgu that he thinks there is more
room for it there than anywhere
There are many other little bits Of
p,easantry like that, you will DO
we'll if YOU have an umbrella. and
if YOU have none, | am not sorry for
you because anybody can have an
umbrella.
Some umbrellas have become his
toric. Robinson Crusoe made All
umbrella out of goat skin and ii be-
came famous probably, because no.
body ever stole it. Nobody could
steal 1t very well unless Rob. had
stolen it from himself. His man
FRIDAY had no use for one as his
clothes were not injured by the rains.
Charles Lambs umbrella became
famous because of his absent-rinded-
ness. He vas so absent-minded that
whenever he came home at night, he
would put the umbrella to bed while
he stood himself behind the door to
dry.
We have just read an article on
how to roll an umbrella. The best
way is to put it in a washing ma
chine and turn it, turn the washing
machine. An interesting and pictur
esque product of the umbrella is the
umbrella member, but fragrant mem
ory, be makes me weep; 50 ! viii tell
about him some other time when !
am more able TO control my emotions
Allen Halverson 81 West Prairie,
Wis. says people come ten miles
20 buy Foley's Kidney Cure. while j
4 Snero of Helmer. Ind. saws. Ii ].