Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1901-02-23
HE TURNED ON THE GAS

L
marked the agent, when Mr. Newsplioe had
paid months rent in advance for the
Mount Pleasant fiat. "that you drop in at
the gas office on your way up and make
your deposit and have the gas turned on"
Much obliged for mentioning that to
me-" replied Mr. Newsplice. 'Td sure have
forgotten 1t If you hadn't, and we'd have
been in dickens Of a pickle over night
without any gas. wouldn't we?'
Newsplce got up to the new fiat about
half-past T. and found Mrs Newsplice with
her sleeves tucked up and her hair wrapped
in towel. setting things to rights.
by the way" remarked Newsplce. see
ing no signs of any dinner preparations,
anything doing in the way Of food for
hungry man around this plant? Man can't
live by putting up pictures alone. can her
Il do declare, I forgot all about dinner"
exclaimed Mrs. Newsplice. Wont you just
run down to the corner and get small
steak and some potatoes and a few little
things-fll give you a list. Mercy ON us!
1 completely forgot that the poor thing is
supposed to eat"
1t was kind of a cheerless business this
just starting Off after food for dinner. but
Newsplice put on his coat and went after
the stuff his wife wrote down with a stub
of a pencil. and came back with two arm
loads.
"Ah. now I can have little patched-up
dinner inside of an hour easily said his
wife. Won't you please get at that barrel
and unpack the dishes for me?"
Newsphce got at the barrel" and while
he was out in the kitchen slowing away the
excelsior he got to looking at the gas range.
1t caused him to think of something. He
went into where his wife was draping for
the four hundred and nineteenth time the
front room mantel. and inquired:
''Er-um-by the way. where's the coal
ranger?
Coal range?" replied Mrs Newsplice
why. there isn't any. Well cook entirely
with the gas range here. My how old
fashioned you are! Why should there be a
gas range and a coal range, too?'
well, you'll have to pass me that"
replied Newsplice. But / know one time
when you're not going to cook on the gas
range, and that's tonight. Now, don't go
off the handle and tell me I'm a pin-head-
which 1 am-and numbskull- which l am
again-and mental jellyfish-which, once
more, 1 grieve to say 1 am-but 1 forgot to
go to the gas office and make the deposit,
and so there'll be gas tonight"
And you know I particularly told you to
attend to the gas" reproachfully said Mrs.
Newsplice.
Il know it-so did the agent-so did my
own inner consciousness" replied New
splice. "Everything that was near and
dear and precious to me in this life should
have inspired me to go to the gas office and
make my little deposit-but 1 didn't do it.
and what the deuce's the use in harping
upon it? Forget it! I'll go down and see
'em before breakfast tomorrow morning.
Meantime, I'll go out and get a lot O.
boiled ham and cured tongue and canned
salmon and sardines and crackers and
cheese and weiss beer and stuff like that,
and We can make meal off of that truck,
and I'll also get some candles, and we can
see to go to bed by the light of EN-, and
oh, what larks! Won't it be just too cute
and larky for anything to go to bed by
candle light?' and the man laughed
hoarse croak. while his spouse regarded
him mournfully.
Pretty hungry by this time. he went out
and bought nearly all of the articles he had
enumerated, together with dozen of the
largest sized candles that could be bought
for money, and returned to the fiat. He
noted. gloomiy, his way upstairs that
all of the other tenants had gas, of course,
and he wondered if his wife's solemn dec
laration that he was losing his memory
were really So However, he put an imita-
ton cheerful face on the matter as he
stumbled up the stairs and CROPPED his way
through the private hall of his new fiat.
He lit one of the candles as soon as he
had set down the second batch of proven
der he had bought, and then he lit nearly
all the rest of them, and his wife set the
table as best she could under the diSad-
vantages, and they made their first meal in
the fiat. But that first meal couldn't have
been called either 'larky'' or cute" as
Newsplice had put it, by the widest pos
sib,e stretch of the imagination.
After the meal, when Mrs. Newsplice had
given Newsplice the signal that she'd like
to have him leave the table in order that
she might be permitted to remove the
dishes, he fumbled around in his vest pock-
cts absentmindedly, for while, searching
for cigar. He found one. Then. talking
all the time to his wife, and telling her
what corking good fun he thought 1t was
| to eat by candle light. and to eat pre-
pared food at that. he fumbled around for
a match. Finding the match he absent
| mindedy reached for the key of a gas
| fixture right In front of him, turned the
| key, still absentmindedly, applied the
| match to the gas, lighted it-without any
| trouble whatsoever-turned the gas down
low, threw the match In the fireplace. and
| then went on to Mrs. Newsplice:
yep, 1 think it's just the limit, once in
a while, to have to just sort o camp out
| without gas, and
| Then he noticed that Mrs. Newsplice was
| looking at him strangely, and that from
| him she was looking at the turned-low gas
| jet, and the thing dawned upon him. and
| he turned the gas up, and then went and
| lit the gas all over the fiat, and then re-
| grinned in a CHASTITY way at her, and said:
| Never touched me! l knew all the time
| that the gas company hadn't turned the
| gas off here since the other tenant left.
| Tag! You're it!''
| Far be it from me, Richard Wilmington
| Newsplice, to attribute unworthy motives
| to you, or to attempt to Sully your fair
| name by breathing breath of scandal
| against you-but what a colossal liar you
| sometimes can be, can't you!" remarked
| Mrs Newspice cheerfully, and then peace
reigned around, and the candles were folded
! up and put away for the fox terrier pup
| to eat up on the front room carpet later
|