The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1901-01-18
'Is MY NOSE OUT OF PLUMP"

Is MY MUSE Jul Sc ILIhbI
ter Of war or any other official and was
at last granted an audience with tie
emperor. 1t was IN the war office, and
several cabinet officials were present
A musket was lying on a table, and
Napoleon greeted the agent with:
well, sir, what about this bullet
proof vest?"
the reply as the vest was held up to
view.
Put it on"
with pleasure"
'.Now go to the farther end Of the
room"
Certainly, your majesty"
"Now, SIR continued the emperor rs
he lifted up the muslIet, Il am going to
fire at your breast. Are you willing to
take the chanccsT
Fire away" was the reply.
The emperor fred, and although the
bullet did not penetrate the shield tie
force Of it knocked Birney head over
heels and put him out OF it for the next
ten minutes. While 1t was decided that
IHS NSoI w d. llot d SNSNcNSs I4it -Al4ttI i
cans nerve excited such admiration
that he was given a handsome present
In cash and graciouSly dismissed. He
seemed to want to say something to
the emperor before he left the room,
! but did not have opportunity. Early
the next day, however, he bObbcd up Mt
the war office for an interview with the
minister
at is no use," said that official as he
gave him a minute. The emperor has
decided that he will not buy the vest"
81 knew that yesterday, of course"
replied Biruey. II am not here about
the vest, but altogether another thing.
The fact is l do not Ike Napoleon's
nose, and l want to improve it."
Mon Dieu, man, but what do you
say" exclaimed the minister as ne
sprang to his feet
81 say that the emperor's nose Is off
and that can improve 1t. I wanted to
tell him so the other day, but he hus-
tied me out too quick. Can you bring
about another Interview
THE emperor's nose? You say 1t Is
wrong? You say you can fix 1t? Man,
what mean your
81 mean just what say" calmly re-
piled Birney. 81 am not a surgeon. but
several years ago l invented a little at
tachment to cure badly shaped nose.
1t has been tried In half dozen eases
and proved itself a big success. l
brought one along with nc. not know
ing what | might run up against, and
If you will give the emperor a hint
Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu" gaspcd the
minister as he looked at the American
:th wonder and terror in his eyes.
Then you have gone crazy! You are
out Of your mind. You know not what
you say"
81 am all right from head to heel, my
dear sir, and 1 can't understand your
agitation. What's the matter with my
scheme for improving Napoleon's
noseT
The minister rang his bell with nerV-
Gus hand, and q minute later Birney
was out on the sidewalk with q flea in
his ear-that Is, he was told to take
himself Off or he would be locked up as
an insane person. 1t was rather a set
back for him, and it took him day or
two to get over It, but he finally came
up smiling. If the minister would not
help him out, there were other officials
who would. He tried two or three of
them, with the result that he was
eventually hailed before the chief of
police. That official probably sized him
up correctly, for he said to him:
'Y0u do not realize what you are
doing. Don't you understand that you
can be sent to prison for this? You do
not appear to have lost your mind, and
you are no fool. and the best thing you
can do is to get out Of Paris at once"
But what is the crimcr' argued
Birney. "All l have done is to say
that can improve on the empcror's
nose. Can q man be sent to prison In
France for thatF"
"He can, sir, as l wish to make you
understand. You must not talk this
way. You have made trouble for your
self, and you had best get away rs
soon as possible. Should the emperor
himself hear of your Insulting words
you would be sent to some fortress for
five or ten years."
"ShooI You don't sayI But you
Frenchmen are queer people! Well, l
don't want to leave Paris for q few
days yet. but I'll keep still about Ma
poleon's nose. had no idea he was so
techy about it. Not another word from
me II that's the way things are."