Graham guardian., 1901-04-26
THE ANIMALS.
Lyn Doyle Turns Himself Loose Again.

Mister Edltor:-l rite tn obtane
yore unanimus konsent for the un-
mistakable privilij ov republicat-
ing a flu ov mi uppermost thots
thru yore most unakount abel pa
por on the subjick ov Nachural
Histry. / am chuckerblockfull ov
unnecessary informashun on this
interestin' topick and it has come
when ! must either bile over or
bust. Now / confess that the form
er wood bee far more pleasurabel
than the latter, especially tu thoze
that air closely konncckted with
me, and tharefour for their spechul
accommodation, if for no other mo-
tive, have chozen the first men,
shuned means ov disseminating the
facks which hav gethered on mi
brane. l hav been aflickted with
infermashun on the brane for q
konsiderabel period of time, and
thru the advice af friend / hav
adoptid this method of obtaining
releef.
/ trust that U will lissen with
the utmost impashunce tu what l
am going tu sa and l promise q
that / will simmer down at mi car
liest possibel konvenyunce. / shal
now git reddy to begin mi subjick
by making start commencin with
man; and after / hav anulized and
diseckted him I will take up the
other animuls; at least as far as it
iz safe to handle them. The bible
says "They shall take up serpents,"
but don't reckon I'll waste much
time in handling this indigestible
crawlifant, as hav always enter
taned q malishus intenshun tuward
snakes ever since l hearn about
that one forcin that apple down
our poor old mother Eve.
That wun surkumstance has
made sich a blotch on the fare
pages of nachurl histry that / don't
believe the time will ever kun
when ! can take a member Of the
snake family by the hand, look
him in the eye and say: i forgive
u" No sir! l wood suffer mi right
arm to be punched out ov mi head
and mi left eye to be severed al
the elbow before l wood submit
to such an undignity.
| Pardon me for this sudden out
bust of eloquent sarcasum, but
when a man ov mi capasity gifts az
far along az snakes there's no tel
lin what he way say, and its
mighty hard for him to kontrol hiz
suspishuns.
/ will now sum up mi arguments
on this heading by stating that in
these days snakes air seen in
boots more frequently than in ap
pletrees.
!. Man: 1t IL with no fear ov an
tagonizing the opinions ov mi fel'
low beings that assert that man
| is by far tie most remarkable in
vention that ever happened. He
is different from the rest of the
broot creation in many ways. The
moral department ov the average
man IL compozed mainly of vlco
vanity, venom, violence, vinegar
and vituperation; while his mental
ability consists of conceit, corrup
shun, curiosity, cowardice and con
tenshun. Man is supposed tn stand
fourmost among the animuls ex
cept when he iz under the infleu
ance ov intoxikants when it IL the
next thing tn impossible for him tt
stand anywhere.
Man is dual being; but all mer
air not duelists- He is also kon
sidered cockovthewalk ecksept
! when his feminine attachment il
, prezent when it becomes his pain
full duty to walk the chockline
The woman portion ov mankind
air nachural musishans The moutl
organ is universally their favoritt
: instrument.
Next in logical sucksesshun tu
man kums the ass. Accorden IL
the bible Samson slew 1000 mer
with a jawbone ov one ov these
animuls. History seems to repea
Itself for in these days thousands
are being assaulted with the same
weapon. Other domestick animul'
air cats and dogs. Dogs air II
well known tu need any komment
they air found chiefly in the shape
ov sausages. Cats air placed il
the category of feline animuls
Other animuls in the tee line ali
doctors and lawyers.
Fish: The principal fish is th'
whale; but the Prince ov Wales il
not fish. The best fish air cot il
the summer but suckers will bit'
in all sezons ov the year.
Birds. Thare air many kinds oy
birds. The most pekuliar sort il
) the Jail bird. They air generally
kept in kages. The krows in thi'
country don't krow. Mag
pies are seldom used in the shap,
of pastry. Angle worms belong
|. tn the order oy kreepinp things