The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1901-01-19
JOKES ON
BOARD SHIP
Passengers on Alameda
Had Fun.
THE DUTIES OF OFFICERS
Captain, Purser, Doctor and Chief
Engineer Have Soft .
Snaps.

and many are the petty annoyances that
those officers subjected to. But it is
not always the officers who are annoyed,
for sometimes it happens that those same
officers are abrupt in their speech and |
take pleasure in turning MIN down" Gas |
they express iD when a passenger APP
them with some trihing COM |
plant There are many passengers in |
this City who arrived in port en- the Ala |
media, and those passengers are .unani-
nous in their verdict that, I'VE had a |
good time from the day we left San |
Francisco"
MANY are the forms of amusement tried
on board, and when SWITCHBOARD and
quoits cease to have any charm Tor the
passenger then does he turn his atten-
ton to the officers. But it does not al
WAYS take the form of a joke that was
perpetrated upon the captain, the purser
and the doctor of the Alameda; nor Is II
often that such genial men are found in
command of ship.
When four days out from Frisco no
tice was secretly posted on the glass at
the head of the saloon stairs as follows:
For the benefit of long-suffer1ng
public the following list of questions and
answers have been carefully prepared,
and the duties of the respective officers
as defined hereon is the result OF a care
full search of the best authorities
90 What is the captain. appointed for'
and of what use is he?
"a The captain must necessarily be
a ladies' man and should be gifted with
a keen insight into human nature IN OF.
der that he may be able to tell at just
what moment some lady is going 10 get
Jealous of the attentions that he Is pay
ing to Mrs. Jones, SO tnat ne can ar
ter his course, and invite that lady into
his cabin for tea before she writes a
iletter to the general manager, who, OF
course. is a particular friend of hers. he
must also be able to tell at moment
notice just what latitude and Longitude
the ship Is in and just what time OF the
| day we will pass any old snip .hat may
| be coming along. In addition to this ne
| should take particular pleasure in giving
| instructions to any one DESTROYS of learn
ling astronomy, but he must be able at
| the same time to dodge the younger eie-
ment when they prefer REQUESTS or tnat
mature The navigation of his snip IS
| only a secondary consideration, and his
owners do not expect him to pay any at
ltention to the running of the boat ne Is
lon All they do require Is that ne De
able to pace the bridge when in port. and
lin calm weather, decked out In all MS
lfinery; and particularly do they impress
luDOn MIN LndI WH6H III tiiuc III oSi 1888
trouble or in bad weather, that he have
1.-THE presence of mind to turn the ship
lover to the first officer, and then retire
Ito his cabin to await calm weather.
10. What are the p,1rser's duties?
"a. The purser is the mainstay of the
lship. Without him the company could
mot exist. and frequently with him they
lcease to exist. unless his bondsmen prove
lgood He Is the man that you should
lgo to whenever you have any grievance
He Is not as big a man as the captain
land then, too. he values his job too much
Ito talk back. You can abuse him w1tf
IMMUNITY for he is generally married
man, and has large family. Above al
things, take your money to him and de
lposit It at once for safe-keeping; If yol
|don't he'll get 1t anyway. Always iusis
on having the best cabin on the boat, M
Imatter when you engaged your passage
there Is only one best, and you mus
have that. If there Is any one In 1t whel
iyou want it, give the purser two bit
and he will throw him out. Then again
tyou are almost sure to want some artic1
tout of your trunk that Is in the hold, ant
1.-THE purser is the man to get 1t for you
Go to him just before mea1-time and III
Twill put on his most pleasant smile ant
igU down in the bottom of the ship ant
dig 1t out for YOU He does not get
chance for much exercise and is Away
lglad of an excuse to work. WheE vol
are nearing port and he is busy maxim:
lup his reports, squeeze your way into III
room, or else hang halfway through tn
window and tell him funny stories. II
will appreciate them.
20. What are the duties of the doctor
I, "a. OF all men on the ship the docto
is the man you must be Kind to. Ii
: well to become acquainted with him DE
fore you leave the wharf, for it is onl
s a question of time when he will have yo
Z IT, /. h. 1NA m
5 understand that there is a fat fee wait
ing for him, you are liable to remain il
Z your cabin for the rest of the trip. II
I lis the funny man board and take
particular delight in coming to you
s stateroom when you are inclined to Civ
3 up everything you have In the world, an
Z lsitting on the stool will hold your han
s for a minute and then give you som
s medicine. 1t does not make any differ
3 ience what the trouble is; he always give
3 you the same. You seldom trouble hir
Z the second time, for once is general
8 enough for anyone.
& 20. What are the duties of the stew
Is ard?
3 "a This poor fellow is supposed to b
3 friendless, and If you have any surplu
B energy left when you have finished wit
Z the captain and the purSer, work 1t Off o
s him. But you will have to be carefr
s that you do not treat him too rough, fo
z he has no fat job to lose, and he ma
3 resent harsh treatment. If he happen
. to spill little hot soup down your bac
at dinner-time, don't get angry, blu
apologize to him for being in the way
Never command him to bring you any
thing, but rather let him see that 20
realize that you are helpless, and the
perhaps he will take pity you. It
your only hope. If he should unbend
little from the dignity that surrounds hi
position, and suggests that you take an
particular item on the bill of fare, be sur
to take it, and at the same time do nc
forget to fee him. But that is bad prat
tice as rule. The best way is to prom
Use him a handsome tip when you com
aboard, and then you will have plent
of time to forget the promise before yo
leave the ship.
% What>are the duties of the eng
neer2
"a. 1t Is generally understood that +
runs the engine. but this is delusio1
He is paid to watch some one else q
that and is supposed to spend most
his time in answering questions. If We
ask him TO tell you the speed that yo
are travelling at and he does not knoy
threaten to report him to the head of1c