The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1901-08-17
WIT AND WISDOM

"Boston to the really and truly Bos-
tonian is the actual Hub of the Uni
verse;" said man who has been there
and got away; "and Bostonians look
upon New York as quite beyond the
pale. Recently spent u week there,
and calling one day at a friends house
on Deacon Hill, asked the hostess if
her husband was at home. Oh she
replied as if rather ashamed of disclos-
ing his whereabouts and willing to Of
fer apologies therefod, he has gone
West Gone Westv 1 asked in some
'He didn't say anything
of it to me at the club last night He
did not know at that time that he was
going Indeed? How far West has
he gone? Not to the Pacific?' oh,
no; only to New York. she responded
in all seriousness. He was called
there unexpectedly
care these thermometers accurate?"
absolutely accurate, madame" said
the street vendor "They are set by
the weather bureau every morning."
'"Then how is it that one says 80 and
another in the same basket says 7O?"
'"Tbat, madame, only shows how very
sensitive they are, how sensitive to the
slightest variation in temperature.
You will observe that the one that
says so is on the left side Of the bas-
ket, that is on the west side, and was
more recently under the rays of the de.
clining SUM- ooh, see now. Let me
have one, please"
Il just saw the young Widow Weeds.
She looked charming in her mourning"
said the pretty woman. II suppose"
remarked her crotchety husband, "that
YOU wouldn't mind being a widow
yourself" ooh! It's hateful of you
to talk that way, when you know I've
got blue silk waist that haven't
Worn out yet
Harry is so absent-minded; he went
up to dress for a party once and went
to bed instead" Him; that looks to
me like fine case of presence Of
mind"
"What did you and Joe fall out
about?" Gle thought 1 ought to be
friendly enough to give him that dog;
and l thought he ought to be friendly
enough to buy it Of me-"
Mother-Harry Tucker is the worst
boy in school, Tommy, and want you
to keep as far from him as possible.
TOMMY do, ma. He is always at
the head of our class.
Mrs. Gay-You never praise my COM
pleXion now as you used to before we
were married. Mr.. Gay-You can't ex-
pect me to pay for it and praise 1t,
too.
Tommy (studying his lesson)-I say,
pa, where does the Merrimac rise and
into what sea does it empty? Pal
don't know, my son. Tommy-You
don't know, eh? And tomorrow the
teacher will lick me on account of your
ignorance.
Mr.. Fijiit-I thought you said our
new ncighbors would not let their chill
drcn play with our Tommy; I see him
with them now. Mrs. Fiiiit-Yes, but
their parents don't know it; Tommy is
just getting over the measles, and
want their children to catch 'em-the
stuck-up things!
"What Is the remedy for poverty?"
demanded the lecturer in thunder
tones. He paused for reply, and
during the pause man in the rear of
the hall called out: "You might try the
gold cure"
Hostess-And I suppose you went W
the Rhine? Mrs. Newwealth (who has
been bothering them with her travelling
apprehension, indeed, yes, and
many other mountains.
"Algernon;" said the heiress, dramat
ically, sis man after my own heart
mo, he isn't. my dear" replied hel
practical father, che is after you
money"
You find spring water a very grea
advantage in dairying, presume?'
ooh, don't know" said the milkman
"the average person buying mill
doesn't know the difference betwee,
spring water and any other kind"
"There is no doubt that this schem
will pay" said the promoter. eyes,
answered the purchaser Of stock. "
suppose SO. But who is to get tn
j, money!"
, Critic-You haven't caught Mr.
, Hawkes. du Byrnes' expression at al
Portrait Painter-No, but I flatter m.
, self I've caught her notion of her e,
, preston.