The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-27

Old Lady-Hullo. little boysl Sliding
down hill? Little Boy-Yes'm. Can't
very well slide up it.
II you can't afford an alarm clock for
every bedroom in the house. let In .
fly or two.-Atchison Globe.
Finnicus-You can't judge man by
the clothes he wears. Cynnlcus-But
you can by those bis wife wears.
His Mamma-Oh, Willie, how often
have l told you not to play with that
wicked boy? Willie-He was playing
wifi me-
Cahlll-Was the shtrike a success
Cassidy-It was! Afther being out six
weeks we succaded In gittin' back our
jobs.-Puck.
Blobbs- You seem to have an un-
pleasant sort of cold Slobbs-Yes; l
never did have luck enough to get "a
pleasant one.
"This age demands men who have
convictions, shouted the lmpassioned
orator. Where shall we find them2"
I'm the penitentiary," replied man in
the gallery.
Hibernian Nurse -Arrah. wake up,
wake up! Hospital Patient (drowsilyl
What is It? Hibernlan Nurse-It's
time for your slaping medicine, sir. SO
1t is.-Tit-Bits.
Il don't see how he can be such a
popular clergyman when he abuses his
congregation So" Easy enough. Ev-
erybody thinks he Is talking about
everybody else. Brooklyn Life.
"It sounds funny to hear you talking
that way. When we were at college
you didn't believe in eternal punish
ment at ALL" 81 know, but | didn't
have any enemies then. philadelphia
Press.
Schooimaster-- Who discovered Amer
lea? No answer. Schoolmaster (angri-
ly)-Come on, speak up! Who dlscov-
cred America. Small boy-Pup-pup,
please. sir, 1t wasn't me!-Boston
Globe.
"Yes, Mrs. Bouncer wanted to send
her daughter to Bryn Mawr, but she
decided on Vassar." What influenced
her decision?" "She couldn't pro-
nounce Bryn Mawr."-Phiadelphia
Bulletin.
First Enthusiastic Golfer-I say, will
you play another round with me on
Thursday? Second Enthusiastic Golf
er-Well, I'm booked to be married ON
that day--but the ceremony can be
postponed!
"The secret of happiness Is to live In
the present" That's so; but my wife
is always wanting money for to-mor-
row. and bill collectors, you know,
won't let you forget yesterday."-De-
troit Free Press.
Mrs. Newife-I acknowledge that
have my faults and am sometimes
cross, Jack, dear, but il had the last
two years of my life to live over again
l should marry you just the same. Mr..
Newlfe-I doubt it.
Mother-W What! Have you been fight
ing again, Johnny? Good little boys
don't fight. Johnnie-Yes, | know that
| thought he was good little boy, but
after hit him once found he wasn't.
-Somerville Journal.
The teacher of Sabbath school class
approached one little fellow who was
present for the first time and asked his
name. "Well," said the youngster,
"they call me Jimmie for short, but my
maiden name is ames."-Woman's
Journal.
"Just think, my boy, that we are
sending thousands of American shin
giles to the Filiplnosr' said the proud
American parent. "Hully gee, pop"
said the young one; "do the Filipinums
have to be licked some moreT'-Yonk-
ers Statesman.
"Haye you sent your regrets, Doro-
thyT' asked mamma of her little
daughter, who had decided not to go to
a party to which she had been asked. Il
haven't any to send, mamma answer
ed Dorothy. 81 don't want to go."-In-
dianapolis News.
Mistress - Remember, Bridget, we
want dinner served promptly at &.
What time is 1t now? Brldget-'Tis
3 o'clock, joost. Mistress Well, you'd
better begin to make the frozen Gus
tard for dessert in that tive-minute Ice
cream freezer-Philadelphia Press.
"Do you see that poor, dear girl over
there? Her cup of misery is full. Her
love affair has ended most unhappily."
"You exaggerate," said Cynicus. "Her
cup of misery is not really full, unless
she can't go around telling all about
how 1t happened. philadelphia Press.
Il would like to interest you In the
greatest discovery of recent years." be-
gan the seedy stranger. ut is nothing
less than a preparation to exterminate
every fly in creation" Cant interest
u.s." said the proprietor I'VE manu-
facture horse netting. Where would we
be if there were no fiIes?" 'Then per
haps can interest your neighbour"
mo; he sells wire screens. Chicago
News.
Tommy had been quiet for fully five
minutes. He seemed to be engaged
with some deep problem. Papa" he
said. "WellT' "'Do unto others as
YOU would have others do unto you
that's the golden rule, isn't 1t, papa?"
"Yes, my son." "And it's puffickly
rig.t to follow the golden rule, isn't it,
papaT "Yes, indeed" Tommy rose,
went to the cupboard and returned
with knife and large apple pie. The
latter be placed before his astonIshed
sire with great solemnlty. Eat It.
papav he said.-San Francisco Bulle-
tin.