Catoctin clarion. [volume] (Mechanicstown, Md.) 1871-1940, 1901-02-14

ago when was in Old Mexico, the home
papers reported me married to 800.poundel
what suppose in sporting parlance would
be termed heavy weight. At that time
felt the humiliation 80 keenly that seriously
debated between the cloister and suicide.
And I have always been of the impression
that the discreditable report had much to
do with curtailing my chances In the mat
rimonial market.
Since my connection with newspaperdom
have learned to he magnanimous and for
give much, for know 1t is easier for camel
to 60 through needles eye than for re-
porter to tell the truth.
Anyway those incidents were mere tribes
compared with the indignities which have
been lately heaped upon me BY the authority
of law. First fos being good. and declining
to accept the small rox, I was shut away
from civilization for period OF five weeks,
then because was living too temporarily
and exulting in glorious health, the city ply
sicians called me down, and injected into my
blood, q lot of poison. And do you wonder
that under such treatment. have developed
into an anarchist! want to throw dyna-
mite shout down with all law'l and between
you and me, would like to kill all the doc.
tors-or nearly all. You have several In
Thurmont would be willing to except.
But I am not the only one in hard luck,
there are others. At present, the major part
Of Denver is being held up by the doctors,
grip, pneumonia, small pox, and all other
microbes and parasites that terrorize human
life and make of il burden and care.
Yes sir, do not fancy that you fasteners
have corner on the microbe market, for l
assure you that in spite of our altitude, eter-
nal sunshine and dry atmosphere, these
wretched little Arabs roam at large here %
elsewhere and force their unwelcome pres
ence upon all alike. Meanwhile there are
just two classes who are thriving on the
misfortunes Of the people and making real
their Klondike visions of wealth-the drug
gists who are going about with full.dress
smiles, and the doctors who are investing
their golden ices In high priced mining stocks
Colorado is doing her level best to make
amends for her past naughtiness by shower.
ing honors upon her distinguished eastern
guest, Vice President Roosevelt: known here
Is TEDDY the Terror" Our democratic
legislature has Invited him to address that
august body, promising him grand recep-
ton with an introduction 10 our 400.
Teddy has made good the reputation he
earned At San Juan hill, killing all the lions
bears, tigers, panthers and wildcats that erst'
while roamed these gloomy canons, and has
swept the mountains clear Of every living
thing: and now II he will como to Denver
and kill OF all the doctors, he will not only
earn my gratitude, but I will straightway
change my politics and At the close of bis
term, vote 70 make him President.
'Laf whenever you are tickled, and lan
once In while anyway" says Josh Billings.
Most excellent philosophy Nothing &C
smoothes out the complications and absurd
ties of life as good. hearty laugh. Nor arc
there many occasions on which one may moi
find something to be "tickled" over, II be
will only keep his eyes and ears open.
I"laf anyway" whenever l enter the 18th
General Assembly Of Colorado. Its as good
as circus to see our danified Legislators
Topping about among sea Of bills. each
member nursing some pet measure Of his
own, striving to immortalze his name by
placing It ON the statute books of the State.
BY the way it Is curious to watch the cpl
demic that develops In this matter of bills.
Let some member bring in bill no matter
how triaing the subject, and immediately
another member will bring IN the bill amen
ded. A third member will present the meas.
ure with variations, and 30 on down the line
until every last member presents the bill in
one shape or another, and there they sit, day
after day, discussing these numerous meas
ures ranging from the best method of killing
dog 70 the proper way of chewing gum.
Something like 800 bills, over 400 In each
house, and II one tenth OF them we're enacted
into law. we would be worse of than poor
old bleeding Kansas, and justify an onslaugh,
from Mrs. Nation and her little Ratchet.
1t was, I think, Nine DeStael who said
"The more see Of men the better like
dogs"
Well, what has that TO do with les islators
bills, &c.s Nothing at all gentle reader, save
this: the more see of legislators and politi
clans, the more charitably disposed am tow.
ard ordinary criminals.
Every time enter q political convention
or legislative session, am forcibly remind
ed that the worst parasites are not those tina,
crawl over ones body. Such moments bring
out all the criminal instincts latent in my
pature-have the Same effect upon me as the
doctors.
Once In while they do something. O..
they repealed the prize fight measure passed
by the last assembly. Another bill which
keeps them from doing is that to restore
capital punishment. which was abolished by
the last assembly. This measure will doubt.
less pass both houses by large majority the
method being eiec,rocution.
The demand for such law grew out Of
the recent burning of the negro Porter. But
our legislators are way of when they assume
that the death penalty will do away with mot
Ia % In crimea that relate In aeY