The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1901-10-12
TIE MAJORS MASTERPIECE.

I
since ne played his last pract cal joke
he Major started IN life as farmer
! lie stuck TO thing the soil long enough 10
/ accumulate several hundred acres of land
along the Ohio and Il good sized bunch of
gray Whiskers, which be wore on the end
OF ms chin IL the position prescribed 10y
/ al the humOriSts. By the time the Ma
jor was 50 years old ne was in appear
nee, The typical granger or -'rube'
] ~ the comic weekIies Perhaps It was
that fact that inspired him TO retire and
devote his declining years 70 the nrofes-
SION or practical joking. At any rate he
! leased MS land at q cash rental OF 81 an
acre ard bought cottage in town. living
J On his income and the pleasure he got out
/ or putting up deals on unsusPecting
/ people. Meanwhile he cultivated the
growth OF his chin. wore his trousers in
4 his boots. and made up" more imam ever
! ike country jake who had JUS como
in 20 see the elephant It is likely that
/ his unsOphisticated appearance bad some
thing TO do with his success.
When he first moved 10 town the Ma
Jor had had little experience in the mat
ter Of practical joking. BY way Of ac-
cunlulsting wisdom in that direction he
Dracticed assiduOusiy on his wife For
instance, after Aunt Sally had finished
baking half a dozen juicy apple pies and
had set them out 10 cool in their tin pans
the summer kitchen" the Major" would
set the lady to go into the house on an
eTrand and. while she was gone. he would
carefully and quickly nal each Of the tin
pans to the shelf. so shat when she came
TO take the pies into the house she found
that they exhibited a strange and myster-
1ous reluctance to he separated from the
shelf The Major, meanwhile, was
lying down behind the currant bushes,
laughing violently, but silently at Aunt
Sailys'' vast struggles.
Finally, after the Major had IN theat-
rical parlance. tried it on the dog" for
few months he decided that he was skill
ful enough as practical joker to make
his public appearance. The Major" had
nothing else to occupy him and he worked
overtime at the business of practical jok-
ing, so that soon he had an established
reputation in the line But there came
time when the Major produced his
masterpiece in the practical joke line and
thereafter he never did anything TO even
approach it. They tell the story still with
rOars Of laughter down about South Bend.
There came into the town a fat little
German saioOnkeeper, who opened a neat
little German saloon. Before his coming
the town had been dry" and the Ma
jor' along with the rest had been obliged
to quench his thirst from the depths OF
private jug. In and about the town lived
working German families, the heads of
which soon got into the habit of meeting
after supper at Hagenbuehler's saIoon.'
There they would sit for an hour or two
about the tables. drinking their beer.
singing the old German songs. and renew
ing the pleasant memories of the father
land. They were simple. quiet, industrious
men, and their revelry was confined TO
the singing in deep bass chorus of 20
Tannenbaum" and similar old songs. The
Major used TO listen to the sounds of
the beer glasses climbing on Hagenbueh
lers well polished tables ami wonder
what way he should show his genius as
a practical joker. One August day the
opportunity came. The Major" had pass
ed Hagenbuehler's on his way home and
had heard the German chorus singing
''Ah-lee ah-lo'' in lusty voices. When
he went across the public square he saw
n loaded wood wagon tied to the long
rack. On top Of the load lay long
sappling, near the top Of which was at
tached a huge hornets nest. The hor-
nets nest looked fresh ard business-like
and the Major was pleased a moment
later when he saw old Isl Hebron, the
owner of the wood come over from the
court house.
What you doin' with the hornets nest,
81" asked the Major
Il les brung il along in with the wood. /
Thought mebbe somebody like it fer a
Amt sold the wood yit, hev YEP
Nav"
wall, I don't need no wood. What /
you aszin' fer it?'
-Four dollars an two bits fer the load /
as it stands"
wall. I don't need no wood. But if
You'll let it go fer 81 an throw in the
hornets nest III save ye from haulin il 4
back 10 the farm.
Old "Si' let the wood go and the Ma (
jor'' got possession OF The coveted hor- (
nets nest. He ordered the old man TO .
unload the wood at his house and started (
back down town with the sapling which .
bore the abode Of the hornets. By going 7
through an alley he managed 70 reach the 4
front door of Hagenbuehler' s without at
tracing any attention. II was close 10 /
the supper hour and most of the inhabi I
tants were indoors. The street was al
most deserted. As he neared the saloon /
tjor' could hear the German Choir
still rolling at fun strength The
front door was closed. The Major
opened it and stepped quietly inside As
he did so he noticed that Hagenbuehier
was busy with his countrymen and had
not noticed his arrival. Forthwith the
Major locked the front door on the in
side and put the key in his pocket Then I
he advanced to the bar and leaned his
sapling up against il with the hornets
nest down so that it would attract no at
-ention. Presently Hagenbuehler took
his place behind the bar and the Major"
bought a drink This ne swallowed and
waited a minute leaning back against /
he bar as If interested in the singing I'M
III the proprietor went back to his seat
az the table and Joined in the drinking
song.
Then the Major" quietly made his way
70 the bsVk door Of the saloon after first
kicking the hornets nest and getting an
angry buzz IN response. The KEY was in
ne back door All uuobserved the Ma
or took ii out and stepped into the al
ey. locking the door behind him. Then ne
aughed noiselessly and went around Ia
Tont 10 await developments
Presently the chorus was broken by q
painful DOnnerwetter." Then came a
'ush of feet TO the front door and loud
'utcries Of anger and pain. The feet
sounded again as they ran 10 the back
Z the saloon. Then az last the glass in
he front windows and in the doors broke
with loud crashes and the men began 20
ali and jump out on TO the side Il was
IS II mine had exploded inside. Hager-
luehler's ard was blowing his customers
d every direction. The Major waited
il the climax came and then ran swiftly
lone He told Aunt Sally what had
laDpened and said if anybody called for
i'm 10 say that he was ia the country
md wouldn't ue hack FOR a couple Of
weeks. Then he disappeared. Aunt sal
s. was member II a woman's league
which had been bitterly opposed 70 the ]
pening OF the saloon. and FOR the first ]
ima in his career as practical Joker, tae
Major found his wife IN fun sympathy /
VITA him She faced the angry crowd ,
Which shortly came hunting for The Me-
OF and sent them hack home shortly
nd sharply But the Haior himself
ever got over The elects 81 a. Il was {
zveral weeks before he dared 70 come :
ack IN towr. ard though re made one :