davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
What Did She Do

Miss Prism-Don't let your dog bite
me, little boy.
Little Boyle won't bite, ma'am.
Miss Prism-But he is showing his
teeth.
Little boy with pride) Certainly
he is, ma'am; and If you had as good
teeth as he, you'd show 'em, too.-
Tid-BitS.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Accounting for It.

'It may be merely fancy" remark
ed Mrs. Seldom-Holme, .'but since my
husband commenced drinking the wa
ter from that iron spring he has
seemed to be ten times as obstinate
as he used to be-"
Perhaps" suggested Mrs. Nexdoor,
the water is tinctured with pig
iron ?"-Chicago Tribune.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

The gentleman known as David
Harum stopped the deacon on the
road.
Deacon" said David, .Tll give
you a dollar an my sorrel mare fer
that black colt you're driving"
Done," said the deacon.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Another Trade by David.

Donnet IN less than hfteen minutes
|-Yonkers Statesman.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Survivor Of San Jacinto Battle.

James Monroe Hill, of Austin, Tex,
Is one of the few survivors of the
battle of San Jacinto, which assured
to Texas its independence. He was
born in Georgia, and is a cousin of the
late United States Senator Benjamin
H. Hill, of that state.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
An UncaIcuIatine Hero.

Helen-oh, he is not at all mercen.
ary.
Alice-But he doubtless knows that
you are worth two millions.
Helen-Yes; but he says he would
love me just as much il wdsn't worth
but mile and half.-Judge.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
JtaIy's Woman LAWYER.

Signorina Teresa LaborioH is the
first woman lawyer in Italy. She has
passed her examination with honors,
but, as she does not desire to advo-
cate the new woman" she determin-
ed not to practice.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
A Terrible Mistake.

"Sir," said the indignant customer
to the proprietor; Il have complaint
to make.
What is the trouble?"
81 ordered ice cream soda, sir, and
when stirred it up found ice cream
in it. Don't let it occur again, sir"
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Sweet Revenge.

Diggs-And you arn't going away
on a vacation this summer?
Daggs-You bet I'm not; my land
lord said, If closed up the house and
went away he should charge me rent
just the same, and I'm going to stay
at home to get even with him.
Ohio State Journal,
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Accurate Description.

what kind of a cover is this on
your umbrella?" said the inquisitive
friend.
s'Well," answered the unblushing
person, Judging by the way it came
into my possession, and the way it
will probably depart, should call it
a changeable silk.''-Exchange
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
SIX In PIiny's Time.

In the time of PIiny silk was sup.
posed to be vegetable product and
his Natural History contains a
long story of the way in which it was
picked from trees in the East Indies
and spun and woven into fabrics.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
SEATS OF MoNARoHs.
King Edward and Gear Nichelas Have
Several Royal Chairs.

Great Britain has no distinctive and
exclusive throne. Instead, there are
four-the wooden chair, with the slab
of Scotch stone, In Westminster Abbey,
which has served as the coronation seat
Of the monarchs Of this realm for seven
centuries; the sumptuous chair OF state
In the House Of Lords; the chair on
which the late Queen sat when holding
drawing room in Buckingham Palace,
and the gilt arm chair at Windsor, In
which the sovereign sits to receive let
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
She Believed Him.

Wigg-She is very susceptible to
flattery.
Wagg-I should say so. I once told
her she was as sweet as honey, and
would you believe it?-the very
next day she had hives.-Philadel-
phia Record.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Starting Out Fair.

Archie-say are you our new
nurse?
Nurse-Yes, dear.
Arcchie-Well, l want to tell you
now that I'm one of the boys that
you will have to manage by kindness,
so you'd better get some sponge cake
and oranges right away.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
A Base Motive.

Won Blumer-I didn't come down
to this hotel over Sunday to spend
the night dancing or the day in
playing golf, or the interval in talk
ing to lot of idiots.
Mrs. Won Blumer Indignantly
No; Of course not! The only thing
you care about is getting rested
Puck,
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Outlet for Much Fresh Wat,r.

The Detroit river is the outlet of the
greatest body of fresh water in the
world, aggregating $4,000 square
miles of lake surface, which in turn
drain 125,000 square miles of land.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
His Answer.

"Pa," said Willie, looking up from
his book, whats the Spirit of '76,'
anyway" =
spirit of '76," his pa replied, Il
guess that's any twenty-five year old
whiskey. philadelphia Press.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
A Waste of hosnitaIifv.

Mrs. Hermitage (of Drearydale)l
believe l will invite the Gothams out
from the city to spend Sunday with
US, Oscar.
Hermitage (hopelessly) = What's
the use, Mary? They don't want to
buy a suburban cottage..-Boston
Journal.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Too Much for Her.

"Yes, Mrs. Bouncer wanted to send
her daughter to Bryn Mawr, but she
decided on Vassar,
What influenced her decision?'
: "She couldn't pronounce Bryn
Mawr. Philadelphia Bulletin.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Iust About.

Uncle Jason Cat the seaside hotel)
What's the difference between the
American and European plans, Johns
Galey-Oh! about the same differ
ence as between embezzlement and
robbery-Puck.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Easy.

Which would you rather, Tommy,
be born lucky or rich? asked Uncle
Tredway.
Both" replied Tommy, sententious-
ly.-Detroit Free Press.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Youth Versus Age,

Mr.. Boreum (dyspetically)-My
dear, I can taste that lemon pie that
we had at dinner yesterday, tonight.
Willie Borcum Qongingly)-Gee!
I wish 1 could-Boston Herald.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Possession Is Everything

Ethe1-Oh mamma, it's awful hot
here in the sun.
Mother-Well, why don't you move,
EtheECause I got here first.
dear?
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Hoods J0rsdpdriiLa

Promises to cure and keeps the
promise. 1t is positively une-
qualed for all cutaneous eruptions.
Take it.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Under Control.

The Count-Your daughter, madam,
says she is perfectly willing to have
me.
The Mother-Yes; she is very du-
tiful.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

'There is no doubt that this scheme
will pay" said the promoter.
eyes," answered the purchaser of
the stock. l suppose so. But who is
to get the money?"-Washingto Star.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Side Show Gossip.

SIuS StIU" OOSs'Ps
he Armless Wonder is a cute
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Fatisuing.

Mr.. Pathiot-This country has
maintained standing army for
many, many years.
His Wife-Goodness sake, Henry!
They ought to be dreadfully tired!"-
Ohio State Journal.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Heard Nothing Of the War.

Sven Hedin, the explorer, reached
Charkhlik in the heart of China, last
April, without hearing of the troubles
in the eastern part of the empire: He
found the Chinese polite and obiig-
ing.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Turn.ns the Tables.

Mrs. Newbride isn't at all satisfied
with her husbands salary.
No; she says 1t isn't nearly SO
good as her father used to make
Boston Journal.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
A Pennsylvania Giant.

William Lippincott, the heaviest
man in Bucks county, Pennsylvania,
weighs 479 pounds, but offers to out
dance any man who will try conclu-
sions with him on the waxed floor.
Not long ago he allowed young man
to hit his hardest where his Clip
pincott's) waist should be. The
young man broke his arm.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
postoffices and Population.

At the close of the fiscal year of
1900 there were 1858 postofices in
the United States, or one to every
1000 Inhabitants.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

Durability of Plate Glass.
It has been ascertained that plate
glass will make more durable monu-
ment than the hardest granite.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
IA Timely Hint.

Every married man should join
some good society-the society of his
wife and children for instance.-Chi-
cago News.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
WIII They Take Expert testimony !


'They are investigating that young
doctor who kissed the pretty nurse,
in the hospital"
"All the testimony is oral, I sup
pose e?"-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Echo of the Census.

$50 your name is Paddy O'Nara.
Are you skilled?"
"Am I phwat?"
care you up in your occupation?"
"No. Oi'm down. Dim coal min
er, sor."-Exchange
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

Etc Permanently Cured. no fits or nervousnes
THO after first days upeof Dr. Kline's Great Nerve
Restorer Send for FREE 90 trial bottle and treat
ise. DR. KLINE, Ltd g3i Arch St. Philadelphia Pa
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

"The Armless Wonder is cute
one"
Whats he been up to now?"
"Sent specimen of his writing,
done with his toes. to a woman who
makes a business of reading charac.
ter from handwriting. But she was
cute, too. She wrote back that he
must be 1eft-handed.-Phila
Bulletin.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
To Fit New Conditions.

'Tn a baseball game near Boston
the ostrich swallowed the ball."
THAT would appear to necessitate
a change in the language of the
game"
What changer"
"Out in fowl."-Cleveland Plain
Dealer.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

Mothers will find Mrs. Winslow's Sooth-
ing Syrup the best remedy to use for their
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

A wife is either a mans best pos
session or his very worst.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

Piso's Cure for Consumption is an infal-
lible medicine for coughs and colds.>-N.
W. SAMUEL. Ocean Grove, N. j., Feb. II,
1900.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

uIAaIFF nEvery man. woman and child suffer-
MHWIk ling with colds asthma, Group pueu-
VAV l. Umonia or consumption to write US.
American Lung Balm Pad Co., Chattanooga,
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

Time proves all things. It has
seen Wizard Oil cure pain for over
forty years. Many people know
this,
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
A Real Wonder.

Bill-Have you seen that woman
lightning change artist at the thea
ter?
Jill-No. Is she good?
Bill-Great! Why, she puts on her
hounat in less than fiftoon rninu+esG
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Quick Time.

"Did you meet any Philadelphia
girls at Atlantic City,"
eyes; and l proposed to one. I"
"What did she say?
"She told me to come back at the
end of year and I might kiss her. "
Detroit Free Press.
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Pure Blood, Beautiful Complexion

Go hand in hand, one impossible without the
other, and the best, quickest, easiest blood
purifier is Casearets Candy Cathartic. All drug
gists, 10c, Csc, 50c
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19
Artificial Means.

Elaine-Did you notice the mean
way that Smythe girl sneered at my
new hat?
Gladys-Yes; but those sneers were
only artificial means.-Ohio State
Journal,
Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1900-1909, 1901-11-19

More living fish are sold in Berlin
than In any other market in the world.
The daily journal. (Salem, Or.) 1899-1903, 1901-11-04
SHOULD THE BOER POPULATION BE
REMOVED.

A Portland paper commenting on the
way the women and children are dying
off in the British concentrate camps in
South Africa attempts to justify that
cruel butchery of innocent victims OF
war by saying that "if the Boer can't be
conquered with his industries in full
blast and his population at home supply
ing him with the means Of continuing
the struggle, then his Industries must be
stopped, TIE POPULATION REMoV-
ED and communication cut of. ut ex-
cuses the enormous death rate OF
the women and children huddled
together by the tens Of thousands
In camps under military control OF
a foreign foe, by saying that more OF
tie Boer women and children would die
II they were left TO Themselves. This is
begging the question, because the
Boer women are penned up with their
children TO die by the thousand for the
very reason indicated that every one wac
able to carry on the farm, raise grain
and cattle and sustain the husband in
the field fighting for his independence,
That is why the Portland paper that has
been a strong Pro-British sympathizer
closes It's eyes 10 humanity and says
war demands this population should be
"RRMoVED." That is why John Nor.
ley, the great English Liberal leader
cries out;--
The Government is aggravating the
essential mischief OF the situation in
South Africa by its management OF the
concentration camps The death rate
OF children, measure it as you will, is
hideOus, excessive and appalling ....
The war has entirely changed m charac-
Tor and is drifting into war OF extermi
nation Of people lighting for ihelr own
land. The policy OF unconditional sur.
render and submissOn means oxtermina'
ton aud annihilation. The present at
titude OF the Government 10 ONE OF
iullen desperation.
Great God in heaven, have thy children
on this earth 20 far fallen from thy
The daily journal. (Salem, Or.) 1899-1903, 1901-11-04

teachings Of humanity toward the widow
and the fatherless that we must close
our eyes while they die TO make way for
an effete back number monarchy that
cannot even hold it's own with the
worlds progress in commerce, and that
cannot with an army Of 200,0 900 men
bring TO a conclusion a war with little
handful uf ten thousand men2 "The
British will employ whatever desperate
and bloody means are necessary to
whip the Boers into sub mission or
annihilation. It is for the Beers
to choose. They can be living sub
jects of the King or they can be dead
defenders. of independence. That vas
the way the Tory press talked about
George Washington and his continenta II
army but independence lived. And in
dependence will live in South Africa for
the simple reason that it is physical
impossibility for the British to kill the
Beers or whip them or capture them.
Unless they can do that they cannot
end the war at all. All
such talk as the above in the American
press is treason to liberty. 1t will re-
ceive it's death blow at the hands of the
people Of England themselves, for they
are already dividing on that issue of
women killing. A war was never won
by removing non-combattants. The
camps are as obnoxious to
human thought at the hands Of Kitch.
ener as Weyler. Removing women and
children by rapid death rate has no
charms even for the British them
selves.
The daily journal. (Salem, Or.) 1899-1903, 1901-11-04
A New Disease.

A woman whose maid accompa-
MED her to a vegetarian restaurant
in London was soon the recipient of
protest,
"But, Mary" she argued, "the
food is palatable-you cleared your
plate - and it is certainly whole
some. Why do you object ?"
1T amt that bad to taste,
ma'am," responded Mary firmly,
"But ! don't call it wholesome; no,
ma'am, not when they fill a body's
plate with tomato and cabbage and
parsnips and potato all at once and
give you fishball things without any
fish in 'em and goose things without
any goose in 'em and croquette
things made of mixed up greens.
Sure, ma'am, it gives me confusion
of the stomach %
The daily journal. (Salem, Or.) 1899-1903, 1901-11-04
SPANISH POLITENESS.
Some Phases Of II Are Liable at Times
N Cause Trouble.

Some Phases Of II Are Liable at Times
to Cause Trouble.
! The Spanish people are credited
with being the most polite race in
the world. They are very hospita-
BILE, and during a visit they will
! place everything at your disposal.
An EnglishmOn was dining with
wealthy Spanish gentleman at
Mar-del-Plata on one occasion. The
house was a palace, and as he walk
ed through it with the owner he ad-
mired it very much. His host at
once offered the house and in such
cordial manner that the guest
thought he was really in earnest.
When he reflected, however, that
the property would bring at auction
at least 100000, he felt there
might be a mistake and refused it
with thanks.
This habit sometimes causes the
giver trouble when he comes into
contact with a foreigner who does
not understand him. Not long ago
Spanish don was travelling down
the west coast of South America. A
charming Scotch girl was a fellow
passenger. The don was married,
but the young lady was beautiful,
and when she admired a poodle
which he was carrying with him he
at once gave it to her.
He expected that she would thank
him and refuse. But, to his surprise,
she thanked him and accepted. The
don was carrying the poodle to his
wife, who was as jealous as Span
ish girls usually are. He had spe-
cial orders to bring it home safe and
sound and as the young girl was GO
ing to the same town he knew that
serious complications would arise if
he did not recover the dog.
Before he left the ship he was
compelled to ask one of his friends
to explain to the young lady that his
offer was not intended to be taken
in earnest and that he hoped she
would send back the poodle, as it
belonged to his wife. - Pearson's
Weekly.
The daily journal. (Salem, Or.) 1899-1903, 1901-11-04

liver" and it is fact which none may
dispute that a sunny disposition more
often results from a healthy digestion
than from any other cause.
Acid dyspepsia, commonly called soul
stomach or heartburn, is caused by slow
digestion OF food; instead of being
promptly digestsd and converted into
blood, bone and muscle, it lies in the
stomach for houre, fermenting and de-
caying, creating gases which cause pres
sure on the lungs and heart, short breath
and general discomfort and irritation.
Such half dgested food is indeed poor
nourishment for the body, brain and
nerves, and the result is shown in irrita'
BILE tempers, unaccountable headaches
and that depressing condition usually
called the "blues," but how quickly all
there disappear when appetite and di-
gestion are restored.
Laxative medicines only irritate the
already irritated stomach and bowels
and have no effect upon actual digestion
of food.
The sensible course 10 follow is to
MAKE use Of simple, natural idigestives
like Stuart's Dyspepsia Tablets after
meals until the stomach has chance to
recuperate.
The natural digestive which every
healty stomach contains are peptones,
dastase and hydrochloric and Tactic
acids, and when any OF them are lacking
the trouble begins. The reason Stuart's
Dyspepsia Tablets are so valuable and
successful in curing stomach troubles is
because they contain in apleasant con-
centrated tablet form all these absolute
ly necessary essentials for perfect diges-
tion aud assimilation Of food.
Henry Kirkpatrick, OF Lawrence,
Mass, says: Men and women whose
occupation precludes an active out door
life should make it daily practice to
use Stuart's Dyspepsia Tablets after
meals. l have done so myself and |
know positively that owe my present
health aud vigor to their daily use.
"From the time | was % when grad.
uated from school with broken health
from overwork, until was "a, ] scarcely
knew what it was TO be free from stom-
ach weakness. had no appetite what.
ever for breakfast and very little for
any other meal,
81 had acidity and heartburn nearly
every day and sometimes was alarmed
by irregularity and palpitation OF the
heart, but all this gradually disappeared
after began usiug Stuart's Dyspepsia
Tablets and can eat my meals with a
relish and satisfaction which l bad not
known since | was growing boy"
The success and popularity OF Stuart g
Dyspepsia Tablets is enormous, but it is
deserved, and every druggist in the
United States, Canada and Great
Britain has a good word Tor this merito-
rious preparation. macs
The daily journal. (Salem, Or.) 1899-1903, 1901-11-04
BIG SALARIES WILL NOT FIX PORT
LAND.

The Portland charter tinkers are goini
10 solve the municipal problem in tina
town by paying some politicians heavy
salaries. For Instance, the Mayor un
der the new charter is to have $500 Z
year, more than any state officer gets IN
some states like Iowa, that are pretty
we'll governed too. But the Portland
charter.tinkers probably all have their
eye on the possibility Of holding that
Office and want the figure about
right. There might be persons on
that charter com mission who would not
readily command that salary, but most
of them are no doubt in constant demand
at that figure--in tin horn. The fact
is no such salary should be paid the
Mayor of any second or third class town.
II he Ia politician and schemes get 1t
to live on the salary, he ought not to
have the office, because any ordinary
American family can live at Portland
for s., 900 year, and nine-tenths Of the
people OF Portland probably live on
81 900 TO 81, 800 year and live we'll.
Amy second class politician who
pretends he would have TO have 81, 800
to 1.-Two on is an extravagant fraud
and not fit TO be trusted with public
affairs. Men who are rich and have
property and incomes do not need that
sum 10 hold the office. OF course the
theory is that the expenses of politi.
cal campaign are 80 great that man
must spend a great deal to get the office
and therefore the big salary is a sort oi
recompense for political corruption, The
big salary is an induoement for extrava-
gance any way you look at IL. The most
important office in Marion county is thai
Of county commissioner and the pay il
three dollars per day. The pay is toe
small, aS it should be at least five dol
lars per day. But the small pay for 8
few days each Imonth does not interfere
with getting frst.class service. In fact al
salaries in Marion county are ridiculously
low from the Portland standpoint, and
yet Marion county has the best
county government in the state
by all odds. Itis the only county out oI
debt and with cash surplus, having nc
bonded debt, no warrants out, and first
class officials. The idea OF fixing things
everlastingly in Portland ON the big
salary plan shows that the ofice-hold-
ers and the tax-eaters are on deck. None
seems disposed in that town to call their
bluff, that big salaries will make mer
honest and economical aud secure-goot
government, II is an error of costly di
mensions.