Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1901-03-14
Stories Of the Week.

NIateLd las TIE name OF turning our
more sensational cases than any other
city Il this section. The latest is a
man bringing suit against his wife
/ for divorce on account of snoring.
! Not on account OF her snoring, but
his own snoring. He alleges that he
| goes home from his work tired and
when he gets to sleep and shores, as
every American citizen has an inalien-
able right TO do. she punches him in
the ribs, wakes him up, kicks him with
cold feet and keeps him awake. Such
woman as that ought to be married
TO wooden man. How would she
| like to be kicked around bed because
she snored. and it is more than likely
she shores louder than be does, only
| ne does not lay awake to eaten her at
! it. 1t is a notorious fact that women
! snore louder and longer than men, but
/ the natural galantry of man prevents
him from accusing her of snoring. He
had rather die, carrying the secret of
/ her nocturnal habit with him to the
| grave, than to accuse her of the crime
| and have all the neighbors know that
| his wife was Snorer. This matter
! has become so serious that young men
are edeavoring to find out, before
marrying a girl, whether she shores.
I for no man wants to yoke himself for
/ life to woman who is Liable TO make
| his MIG hts long hours of torture. No
woman can be made to believe that
she snores, and when husband says,
But, my dear, | heard you snore, aud
/ it sounded like fog-horn. he takes
his life in his hand Nothing makes
4 a woman SO mad as to charge that she
shores, and the photograph is the
only thing that viii ever convince
woman that she makes such noises
/ when asleep. The Herald does not de-
/ sire to cause itself TO be disiked. by
Young women. but there are certain
infallible signs by which a Young
man VINO is becoming interested in
girl may know the horrible truth be-
fore it is eyerlaslingly too late. A
girl who is calm and cold, and who
never becomes enthusiastic on any
subject. is liable To be a snorer. a
girl who has no expression to her
/ eyes, but seems to BE always looking
1 into the distance and when called TO
earth apologies for her unsocial ma
1 ture, is a snorer who viii fill room
I with urwritten music an the night
/ long. A Young woman who seems to
/ talk through her nose. or who shakes
hands as though her hand was cut off
/ the tail piece Of a mackerel, is a
snorer from away back A girl who,
when in the act Of kissing her lover,
4 suddenly lets 90 and breaks the COM
/ bination, and causes the lover to slip
a cog, and who does not come hack TO
the question before the house with
/ out being caught and argued with,
and who forgets where she left off, is
snorer. But the girl who has
wrinkles all around her eyes that
seem to laugh, and to inspire good
nature, who shakes both hands OF the
man she loves, and puts pressure
enough into the operation that he
may know that she is not fish, but
flesh and blood, and whose mouth
does not look like the ice apartment
of a refrigerator, but like the en-
| trance of the most beautiful grotto
nature ever made, and whose teeth
are as clear as crystal, and who, if
she kisses a young man, does it with
fervor and a doG' t-care-w hether-it-
ever-ceases-or-not expression, and
who comes up herself, and does not
have to be clawed after and whose
eyes are looking clearer and more
transparent and lovely every minute
during the operation, and who stops
breathing and dies right there, until
the lover asks to be excused while he
goes home and thinks, that is the
Girl that never sneres. When she
goes to sleep she just sleeps like
baby, and wakes up with a bound,
ewes sparkling and ready for the bust
ness Of the day, singing while she
makes her toilet, splashing in her
bath and humming a tune. and look
ing at her sweet self in the mirror,
and wondering if that lover OF hers
knows what a prize she is, that is the
girl that needn't cause any worry
about her snoring. even though she
may live in Indiana.
+
A Kentucky whisky firm has hab-
it that cannot be too strongly con-
demned. 1t secures the names 81
citizens all over the country, and
sends them circulars, saving the re-
cipients have been recommended to
them as men who like good drink Of
the pure stuff. occasionally. and So
Letting orders A minister in Iowa
received one OF these circulars and
was indignant, and wrote the firm as
follows: Il am in receipt Of letter
and price list from YOU. and you say
you were informed that | am in the
habit Of ordering some Of the old
reliable occasionally. This is the
second time | have heard from Won