Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-06-06
Mr.. Dooley on the
Wall Street Battle
By F. p Dunno Copyrighted Russell.

well. sir" said Mr.. Dooley, II see
tn Titans Nv Finance has clutched
each other be tn throat an engaged in
death struggle. Glory be. whin bust
In a brown cornucopy, tits hard to till 1t
firm murdher."
Whats Titan Nv Fi-nance?" asked
Mr. Hennessy.
"a Titan Nv Finance said Mr..
Dooley, lisa man that's got more money
thin he can carry without bein' dis
ordherly. They'se no intoxicant in tn
wurruld, Hinnissy. like money. 1t goes
to tn head quicker thin tn whisky tn
dhruggist makes in his back room. A
little money taken firm frinds in a
social way or fr tn stomach's sake
Is not SO bad. A man can make money
slowly an go on increasin' his capac-
ity till he can carry his load without
staggerin' an do nawthin' vilent with
millyon or two aboord. But some Nv
these la-ads has been thryin to con-
sumo tn intire output an Ii looks to
me as though twas about time to call
In tn polls. It's like whin Scaldy
Quinn an Scrappy Burke, two Titans
at rough-an-tumble comes in here to
glory in their strength over tn bottle,
an Burke puts up kag Nv beer with
wan hand an Quinn bets he can toss
tn cabur further thin amy man on tn
road. and wan wurrud leads to another
an oil wurruds leads to fight. I'm
tn gr-reatest consolidator in tn wur-
ruld. says Scaldy Hartman, I've con-
soltdated tn U. p, tn K. r. & L., tn
r. o. & T.. tn B. U. & M, an tn N. &
q. says he. I've line Nv smoke
reachin' firm wan ocean to tn other
he says. I'm no ordin'ry person. he
says. I'm not banker lindin' other
peoples money at 6 per clint or rail-
road prisidint haulin' hogs to market,
he says. I'm Titan he saws. IF
We don't believe 1t, look at tn pa-pers.'
ne says. an ask me- he says. 'Hurroo,
hurroo, tn back Nv me hand an tn
sole Nv me tut to all an siveral' he
SAYS YOU You consolidator says
cudden't mix drinks FIR me- he saws.
I'm tn on'y ruffyan consolidator in tn
gleamin west. he says. I've fined tn
mountains Nv tn moon railway with tn
canals Nv Mars an I'll be haulin' wind
ir'm tn caves Nv Saturn befure TIL first
Nv tn year. he says
m close and free mixer he saws.
:, Iltan, says We? I'm all TIL Titans. tn
U. >. Titan company consilodated an,
I've bonded tn strength Nv me back an
put out five hundred millyons Nv stock
Nv IN power Nv me mighty arms he
says. I've belted tn wurruld with steel
an think mesif I'll now belt you, he
says. An they closely embrace. What
happens, says We? Well, tn big la-ads
8 sthrong an knows how to guard an
whin thy're spread out. small harm
has come to them. But tn little
dhrunk f1nanceers that're not used to
TIL flowin dividend an this quick profit
that btteth like wasp an stingeth
like an adder, tn little la-ads that are
carryin' more thin they can hold an
walk, are picked up in pieces. An as
f'r me, tn innocint man that let TIL
two burlies into me place to riot, I've
got to make call on tn furniture
dealer in tn mornin., That's what Ho-
gan calls, Oh, Finance. Oh. Finance,
as Shakespeare says. how nanny
crimes ar-re committed In thy name?,
Twas fine spree while it lasted,
Hinnissy. Niver befure in tn histhry
Nv tn wurruld has SO NANNY BARRIERS
an walters been on tn verge iv q prl-
vatc yacht. TIL capitalist that tinded
to tn wants Nv tn inner Jawn w.
Gates lost his Job at tn Waldorf AS
torya f'r lettin his diamond studs fall
Into bowl Nv soup that he was carryin'
to a mimber Nv TIL chembcrmaid staff
that had found tip on Northern Pas
syfic on the flure " Jim Keene's room,
an on retirin' offered to match tn
proprietor FIR tn hotel. Tn barber in
tn third chair cut off part Nv tn nose
" tn presidint In tn Con an Foundher
whin A. p. whit up fourteen pints. He
compromised With his victim be takin'
place on tn boord is tn compny. TIL
effect ~ tn boom on tn necessities liz
life, like champagne an race horses.
and chorus girls common an preferred.
was threemenjous. 1t looked FIR awhile
as though most Nv TIL meenyal wurrulS
Nv tn country would have to be done
be old-line millyionaires who'd made
their money sellin' four cints worth Nv
stove polish FIR nickle. But it's all