Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1901-01-12
THE TEACHER
Better to Have Loved and Lost Than
Never to Have Loved at All.

| I shall never forget the joy with
which l received the news of my ap
pointment. 1t was a year after I left
the university. Mamma had contract.
| ed considerable debts to keep me in
| st. Petersburg. Milasha, my sister,
was growing, and Kolia was in gym
nasium-in fine, mammals pension was
! barely enough to make both ends meet,
and my salary had been looked for
ward to with Impotence. But, strange
to say, my first feeling as I received
| my appointment as teacher in the fe-
| male gymnasium Of the city of N.
had nothing to do with the improve
ment in our economical status which it
implied. l remember that feeling so
clearly that it seems as If it had all
happened but an hour ago. Maybe it
is because of the occurrence which it
foreshadowed and which was destined
to leave such a deep trace on my life
that recall it so wildly every time l
think Of it. However that may be,
the first exclamation which / made
mentally as I received a letter an
nouncing my appointment was not
snow l shall have about 100 rubles a
month"; but, "Now / shall teach a
class Of beautiful girls and fall in
lover snAa,..>.-
Do not laugh. If you had been
brought up under the same conditions,
you would be in similar furry.
was what is called good boy and new
er left my books. When in st. Peters
burg, I was ever trembling lest
should fail to pass my examinations
and thus cause mother unnecessary ex-
pense and worry Besides, I had in
herited from my father q retiring, stu
dious nature, and the very thought of
young ladies would make my heart
beat fast with feeling Of difddenee
and timidtty. However, I had a vague
conviction that it would have to wear
off and that sooner or later should
have to follow the course of all young
men-fall in love, propose, marry and
become paterfamilias. WhenI learn
ed about the gymnasium where was
to teach physics, I beheld class made
up Of 20 or 80 beauties. Why all beau
ties could not have explained, but
there they call young and rosy
checked, all tall and all with bashfTl
blue eyes.
1, too, grew bashfu1 as I thought Of
them in their brown dresses, and black
aprons. They lured me, caressed my
soul, agitated my heart, threw me into
disquieting ecstasy which was as
novel to me as it was sweet and pain.
full
1t had taken me three hours to dress.
I was to make my first appearance at
the gymnasium, and my first lesson
was in the highest class, which was
made up Of girls Of II or Is. No stu
dent preparing for examination ever
trembled as did on that morning. It
was as if instead Of scholars l was to
face 20 or 80 ruthless examiners, each
with an incisive pair Of eyes ready to
pounce upon my poor bashful self. /
could hear them giggle at my expense,
make jokes about nay awkwardness,
my necktie, my looks.
When I entered the classroom,
struck an attitude Of exaggerated Sc
verify. To prove to myself that /
was not afraid Of the girls spoke
ridiculously loud. 1 almost shouted.
AS went on explaining the distinction
between chemistry and physics ]
frowned on my class, looked daggers
at the front row and altogether be-
haved as if I bore them personal
grudge.
"Isn't he stern ?" overheard one girl
whisper to another. A thrill of pride
ran through me. You're all right" !
said to myself, and, elated with the i'm
preston l had produced, / began to
feel more at ease and to stride up and
down the room with the manner of an
old timer was in the seventh heav-
en-. Two girls were talking in the rear
seats.
''Silencew / Numbered.
There was suppressed chuckle at
this, and my heart sank within me. ]
was the most miserable wretch in the
world.
When l got home, lay down on my
lounge to think over did not know
what, and as tried to pass the girls in
review it came over me that had not
made out single face. could not
say whether they were pretty or home
", dark or fair. A blurred image Of
young ladies in gymnasium uniform
was all / had carried away.
The next time I had a lesson In the
same class called out Mile. Ryshkina.
She had evidently given much time to
her lesson, but she had 1t all wrong,
and, strange to say, the more she blum
dered the more liked to hear her re-
cite. 1t was so charming to hear her
60 on with the explanation which she
did not understand herself. You should
have heard her rattle on about phe-
nomena and laws To Judge from her
manner one would have thought she
was sure Of her ground and felt able