davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
cha-,ex faior's Bad Fortune.

Mr.. Charles Major, the author OF When
Knighthood Was in Flower, was com
PEELED to admit recently that he had been
cleyerly trapped by a Toledo lassie Of
tender years. says the Saturday Evening
Post. Mr.. Major spent the summer at
sPetoskey, Mich. SO did the little Toledo
giri The author. who is exceedingly fond
OF children soon scraped up an acquaint-
ance One day little Miss Toledo was
penning letter.
.yaIy! What spelling and what writing.
exclaimed Mr. Major. who was looking
over her shoulder.
The little girl did not relish this criti-
cism, but she held her peace for little;
then she jumped down from the chair.
and. running over TO where Mr. Major sat
reading. she exclaimed: oh. Mr.. Ma or.
don't you want your fortune told
sss...Nf ell. you Just bet I do =. = was the arr
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
How Naval Officers are Tried.

A trial in the United States Navy must
partake cit one OF three forms-a court OF
inquiry, u general colirt-martial, or q
summary cpurt-Inartiai. a court OF IN
curry or g. general court martial can De
ordered onsy by the President of the
United Safes, the Secretary of the Navy
or the mander-in- chef of the Amerl-
can fleets on foreign stations. The form
known as the court of inquiry is en-
plcyed exclusively for the investigation oi
the conduct of. commissioned officers
while, the general court martial embraces
nxcstigations OF the conduct OF officers
and also the trial of enlisted men charg-
ed with murder or other crimes, or Sc
rious breaches of discipline, such as an
assault u.lon an officer. summary
court, which may he ordered at any time
by the commanding officer of any ship
or s alton. cores onds to the police court
on shore. and deals with minor offenses
Z Of all kinds cit which the enlisted men
may be guilty.
These three forms have been SO outlin-
ed possibly as to give the impression that
ea;ah has distinct functions, and yet, in
reality a court OF inquiry is presumably
merely q preliminary to a general court
marital In a. word, it may be ssid 20
correspond to q grand jury on shore,
and Just as a grand jury reviews the
ton to determine whether or not the
Circumstances ma Ell iustifiable to bring
the person or persons implicated before
the TAR of justice, so the naval court OF.
.no1,i-r ',1ar,-rs a ccrnrst,nt preliminary
examination and enables an officer to
q. l.ei.,4.S,1 ana, n possible, to
ssullrture ,jtlrie of the charges nlade
alrasnst him without having been sub
jected to the stigma OF d, court-martial
Contrary TO an .mprsssEon which has,
gained considerable creience, the mere
fact of the Investigation by a court OF
inquiry cl5 the career OF an officer or OF
his conduct on any particular occasion
does not of itself inIdy any reproach
Indeed, not infrequently a court of in
curry as convened. as in the case of Rear
Admiral schley. at the special request OF
seme officer who, jealous of his good
record. is desiroils of officially settling
some dispute or securing a formal deeis-
ion as to his conduct upon which histor-
ians might, from ignorance or undue m
fluence. place a different construction al
ter he has passed away.-Waldon taW1ett
in Lesiie'S Weekly.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
encircled with a red urban, came to the

encircled with red urban, came to the
door, at the head of the short house-lad-
der, stood moment waving the loose
end of a small Blanket thrown over the
shoulder, and holding high a small china
bowl in the other hand. She then de-
scended as majestically as it is possible
for woman handicapped by skirts to
come down the rungs OF ladder and
stalked out into the open. Mateo and his
wife and his nine children moved TO meet
her With moving lips, but no sound es-
Gaping, she began a short incarnation, to
exercise the bad spirits whom the Igor
rotes fear, and then, with fierce step
forward, she grasped a piece OF bloody
heart from the little bowl and daubed
first one and then the other of Mateo's
cheeks The operation was repeated until
the tenderest fodder of the family had
blood SIN cared face.-Harpers Weekly.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
English as Sir is Spoke.

(Wanted, a house on agreement: rent
not to exceed, ETC.: comeatable to Tube
MISUNDERSTANDING Post.)
"Comeatable". Next, please at this
rate we await with alarm the appearance
ing terms:
To Let-Pleasant bungalow; smellablc
distance of sea: walkable to station.
For Sale-BulI terrier; excellent house
dog: scarable to duns and burglars.
Wanted. for the Little England Debat-
ing Society, an orator of approved pro-
boerability.
Gentleman going abroad wishes to dis
pose of his bay mare, rising breakfast
$500. 15.2, ri0eable driveable, huntahle.
No reasonable offer refuseabe Viewa-
BILE, by appointment, any afternoon
Punch
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20

swer.
'.A!l right; I'll tell it good and true for
you. and it won't cost a cent, but you
must do just as I say insisted the little
girl. seriously. The author consented to
all the conditions.
Gross your heart,,'' cried the girl.
Mr.. Major went through these pledgins
motions.
Now, stick your head down, and close
your eyes. and swing it while you count.
came the command.
The novelist assumed the undignified po-
sit:on as directed and slowly his head
began to sway back and forth like a PEN
dam. He kept it up till he had counted
one hundred. and then. with his face re-
senblins a boiled lobster. he raised it and
asked If that wasn't enough.
No." exclaimed the girl. I haven't
got through with your fortune yet.
But that isn't in the game. is H.
meekfy inquired Mr.. Major.
.'Oh. yes it ISL came the quick reply:
that's exercise for rubber-necks..
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
Under a Mistake.

The stranger stepped up to the hotel
register and wrote his name thus:
Gabriel PlunIzett Squibnocket, Mass
The stranger Immediately -beilnd him
then stepped UP. looked at the name,
smiled somewhat incredulously, and made
this entry himself:
Israel Snodgrass. Snohomish, Wash. :"
Then the two men glared at each other
Think I'm kiddin' you. do YOU
Trying to make fun Of me, are you?''
Biff!
Bang!
For Heavens sake. gentlemen. ago
nizingly exclaimed the hotel clerk, stop!
You are under a misapprehension. I
know both Of YOU. and know those to be
Your real names and the real names Of
the towns you are from"
BY strenuous efforts, he succeeded in
separating them, and a few moments la
ter they We're apologizing profusely and
insisting with much Nehemence on treat
Ing each other.-Chicago Tribune.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
Condensed MIX a.GIobe Trottsr.

THAT commonplace and indispensable
article, condensed milk. is also Il great
traveller and for twenty years the label
on the tin has been the message sent by
America to millions of uncouth people
who never heard of. the great republic.
and who. IL the anti-c!tC1lax may be al
lowed never set eyes on q mich COW.
The explores, and the missionary are the
advance agents of condensed milk 1t
goes wherever they venture and when
the missionary has children it is the one
thing HIS ilnuselold cannot do without.
There is no wilderness where a discarded
milk tin does not glitter in the sun. 1t
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
The ns,cyou Dsrs of The ssr.

Mary men. even successful members Of
the profession. hold mat as "A good IN
animation, does not necessarily make a
good 5iasiser;; IL Is better 10 make the con-
dltions OF admission easy and thus allow
The Hitest OF the lot TO survive. This sen
timent has been less since the An,1r..>in
Bar Association took up vigorously the
work OF raising The standards of legal
edncation. Many good anepdoacs are tcid
OF the old tests. An able southern lawyer.
still living. has a good story. about his
examination by Repec,dy Johnson one of
The greatest lawyers of the last century.
Mr.. Johnson knew the young man but ar-
pa.entlY he did not allow his familiarity
to influence he case He asked him one
or Two questions as easy as the alphabet
aor the MULTIPLICATION BILE. and then very.
severely demands
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
Andrew Iacksan's Marriage.

In the October New Lippincott there
is an entertaining paper by Anne Ho-
lingSworth Wharton about early days IN
Washington OF General Jackson. S
marriage to Mrs. sRopards she writes as
follows:
1T is not our purpose here to discuss
the propretv or impropriety of Jackson s
marriage with a divorce. His careless
ness is not thoroughly investigating the
legal bearings of the case is absolutely
unpardonahle. There wassreally no law
CT divorce in Virginia ut this time. The
Legislature OF Virginia passed an act
authorizing, the Supreme Court of Ken
lucky to Try the case with jury. Ro-
bards took no action for two years. Two
or three years after their marriage, upon
hearing OF the final action of the Court
OF Quarter Sessions OF Mercer county.
Kentucky. in granting q divorce, Jack
son AMI Mrs Robards were married
again The circumstances of the mar
riage were such says Mr.. Sumner, as
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20

WITH A POINT EACH
No Difference in Distance--A Pointer for Z
Weakling---The Hdlcyon Days of t
Bar--She Meant to Encourage.
Young man, can you mix good brandy

julep?"
81 think can sir, was the reply.
There pointing to the sideboard, are
the ingredients, sir. Now, let me see what
you can do
The candidate approached and used his
finest touch and sense OF selection in com
pourding the tonic Then. topping it off
artist,cally with a fresh mirt he present
ed it TO his examiner. Mr.. Johnson gave
the case his best care and patience, and
finally, when the bottom of the generous
glass had been reached, he looked at the
young man admirinsly and announced
that he had passed.
Another story is told of a judicial dis
trict in Florida, where, before the era Of
railroads, and owing to the numerous
creeks and rivers, there had to be FREE
quent fording Of streams in order to make
good time between the country towns
The candidate presented himself before
the judge, who, after looking at the young
ure, asked:
Can you ride?"
Yes. SIR
DO you own horse?"
Yes. sir
Can he SWIM
YES sir"
Whereupon the Judge bowed gravely
and remarked:
Il am verv clad. sir. Is welconle you to
the rsractica Of law in my district" Phil
adelphia Times.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
The Primer.

Papa, who is that gentleman over there
on the porch2"
Don't you remember him. my child?
He is the gentleman we met in the res
taurant to-day who chatted so pleasantly
with us while he waited about TWENTY-FIVE
minutes for his lunch.
He doesn't seem very pleasant now.
papa.
oh, no; he's at home now. See him
tearing the newspaper into shreds and
trying 10 slam his fedora through the
door. lie is very angry because it has
taken his nife a little over four minutes
TO &c; his supper Indianapolis
Sun.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
No Differenc. in Distance.

Here is a drouth story told by a travel
ing man:
/ was driving across the country to a
little town in Western Kansas the other
day, when / met a farmer hauling a
wagon-load of water.
Where do you get water" said /.
up the road about seven miles. he
replied.
And you haul water seven miles for
Your family and stock
YEP
dig a well?"
:" Because it's jest as far. one way as
the other, stranger. Exchange
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
Sh- Ma.nt to Enc ura9e.

Tom-oh, shsll never have me, I know
Cousin Nell-Im sure she likes you.
why don't you ask her?
Toni was going to last night, but she
called mo a lobster, and
Cousin Nell-You're a goose: that's what
you are Don't you know she's passion
ately fond of Holsters? She meant to say
you were nice enough to eat.-Philadel-
plia Press.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20

The youth who was smoking q. comm
nail near the monkeys cage took anoth-
err one from his pocket.
.sNoaics It do any harm. he asked. II
Il should offer him one OF these?
Not bit, responded the atsendsnt.3
.srIes wouldn't touch 1t A monkey isn't
half as big q fool al It looks. cbtcaGo7
Tribune.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
Tn. Sinners Way.

while yet the lamp holds out to burn
The vilest sinner may return,
But sinners. somehow. fail TO see
The profit or necessity
OF humbly facing right about
Before the wick Is all burned out
Chicago Record Herald.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20

While expressing approval of the crimes
OF CZolgosz and CaSerio. To commend
anarchist crime in a public place is q
punishable offense according to French
law.
Somev hat Stringent.
Al Gotta. in Saxony, persons who did
not pay their taxes last Year are pub
lished in list which hangs up in all
restaurants and saloons OF the csMy.
Those that are on the list can get neith-
er meat nor drink at these places, un-
der penalty of loss OF license.--New York
Tribune.
Duties OF Citizenship.
1t is not a good thing to make politics
q business but great many more good
men should make it their business to
take an active part in politics.-Minne-
apolis Journal.
Sad Days.
The Archbishop of York suggests that
Great Britain set apart a day for ma
tional humiliation in order to hasten the
success of British arms in South At
RIGA. But have not the Beers already
furnished Great Britain a surplus OF
days of national NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
VILE Corrier-Journal.
Well Treated.
The Judges at the Pan-American dog
show treated Richard Harding Davis
Handsomely IN the matte. of medals
This ought to let him into the Harry
I4ellr set.-Washington Post
Wanted Old Life.
A Kentuckian returned from the Phil
ippines and proceeded TO shoot five of
his neighbors. he was evidently hun
CRY for touch of the old life-Wasn
ington Post.
New England Cider.
The coed old cider that hits like 3
green hickory club in the hands of tn
hired man is going TO be dear in tbs
teetotai State of Maine this winter
There IS less than half a crop Of ap-
pies. Minneapolis Tribune.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
Whistler's Idea of Dressing Up.

Some capital new anecdotes about Jas.
Abbott McNeill whistler, the eccentric
American painter who lives abroad. are
told in The Ladies Home Journal for
October. Among them is one dealing
with visit Whistler paid Sir Alma TAD
ema, the famous artist.
On the night of his arrival Whistler's
host Announced that he intended to give
a breakfasr next morning. There will
be number of ladies p1 esent, Whist
ler'' he said and ] want you to pull
yourself together and look your best"
"All right" said Whistler.
The mex. morning Whistler's voice was
heard ringing through the magnificent
halls of the Tadelna. mansion: Tadema,
Tadema want you, Tadcma!'
Thinking Of nothing less than fire Sir
Alma rushed to the room of his guest
For Heavens sake. Whistler. what's
the matter? You've walked UP every one
III the house. What is
con, don't get SO excited, Tadema.
drawlcd Whistler; 81 only wanted to
know where You kept the scissors to trim
the fringe of cuffs with. Thought you
wanted me to pull myself together for
the ladies'
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20

to provoke scandal at the time. and the
scandal, which In the case OF more obs.
scnre man would have died out during.
thirty years of honorable wedlock, came
up over and over again during Jackson'st
career. 1t Is plain that Jackson him
self was to blame for contracting ma.-#
rage under ambiguous circumstances,
and for not protecting his wife's honor;
by precautions. such as finding out the
exact terms of the act3f the Legislature
of Virginia Having put her in q false
position, against which. as man and q
lawyer, he should have protected her.
he was afterwards led by his education
and the current ways of thinking in the
society about him to try to heal the de-.
fects Of his marriage certificate by shoot
ing any man who cared to state the
truth. that said certificate was irregu-
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
SingnFarly Appropriate.

FrienG-Hello. old man, had break
down?
Mr.. Perfume (monkey wrench in hand,
grimly}-Yes! Now. one might say I am
..tooling' my automobile in the park
Brooklyn Ea gle.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
Theodore Roosevelt as Police Commissioner

Ih'odore Roosevelt as Police Commissioner.
More than once sat beside Mr.. Roose-
welt as he presided at hearings. writes
Franklin Matthews. in Worlds Work.
I have seen him stop to consider how
he could be absolutely fair, and his decis-
ions had instant effect as a result.
have been alone with him as one after
another the candidates for appointment
came UP from private examination as to
their fitness. Searching enquiries would
be put to them. To one man who was
trembling from the severity of his exam
nation, I remember Commissioner
Roosevelt said:
You are the man Father So-and-So
spoke to me about?"
Eyes. sir; but I didn't suppose being a
Catholic made any difference
.'Of course not; of course not" was the
instant reply. 81 do not scare whether
you are a Catholic, a Protestant, a Jew
or a Gentle. I think you'll DO. You
tell Father So-and-So If he has any more
men like you to send them down here 1
pass you; go and see the other commits
SionerS.''
That policeman never took blackmail
while Mr.. Roosevelt was in power and it
is safe to say that he has not done so
yet There were hundreds appointed like
him. Many, alas. have fallen, but it is
because a different kind of current went
Gown the line from police headquarters.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
.CIJRREl I CREATURE
FOR BUSY READERS.

has 1lazed the way across, Africa; it
has been very near to the Pole, for Lieu-
s tenant Peary relates that eighteen years
after the Greeley expedition cached can
ned rations in the frozen north he found
7 the condensed milk as sweet and Whole
some as ever. In the businesses OF
Northern Iluzon, where an American face
had never Been seen, GeneTal Y oungiS
soldiers found tins of condensed milk
with the brand of the eagle. 1t can be
found all over Mongolia and Manchuria,
and Gwen in Thibet. The Chinese, who
do nat take mi k in their tea, use the
condensed kind as a food, chiefly for
+he;r rfpiltiren In India also it has a
large sale for that purpose, and 1t Is
not TOO much to say that the product
of the American factory has been the
o,ab,1lllm of millions c.s Asiatics.'-Ain-!
slices.
Modern hoE1aDce.
1,formati on. speculation, fuctuation,
Dissination. degradation:- reformation or
starvation.
Application. situation; occupation, resto-
ration.
Concentration. excavation. nerve pros
traitor. a vacation.
Destination. country station Nice loca-
ton, recreation
Exploration, observation; destinations
Irritation.
Trepidation. hesltatloh' COW q sd eioii
sirnulation;
Invitation, reclamation, sequestratlon'
cold lbation.
stimulation, animation: inspiration. new
Demonstration. agitation, circulation. ex-
clamaton,
Declaration. acceptaton' oscuiation'
sweet sensation.
Exultation. preparation, combination,
new relation.
November Smart Set
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
Spirit Of the Press.
A Gnni LEW.

a young commercial traveller nineteen
years old was arrested the other day
at cafe of Courbevoie, near Paris,
while expressing approval of the crimes
OF Czolgosz and Caserio. To commend
anarchist crime in a public place is
punishable offense according to French
law
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20
SOME ANTIQUE SLANG.
Many Familiar Phrases Date Back Many
Centuries.

Many of the familiar phrases Of the
day have been in use since remote an
tiquty.
A learned German philologist has re-
Gently traced q number of these so-callec.
slang phrases through half a dozen Ian
guages to their beginnings. Here is
partial list of them:
Hes a brick!"-This phrase, meaning
a good fellow, has been traced to a king
of Sparta, four centuries B. c. A visitor
to Lacedaemonia, the Spartan capital.
was surprised to find the city without
walls, and asked the king what he would
| do in case of invasion. Sparta has 5o
00G soldiers replied the king, and each
man is a brick!
ITO Give the Cold Shoulder."-It was
once the custom in France, when guest
had outstayed his welcome, to serve him
with a cold shoulder of mutton instead of
a hot roast, as a gentle hint for him to
60
.,ro Kick the Bucket'-This phrase
dates back to the time of Queen Eliza
beth. A shoemaker named Hawkins COM
mitted suicide by standing on buckat
placed on table to raise himself to a
convenient raEter. To kick the bucket
was, of course, his last act on earth.
Catching a. Tartar.''-During the war
between Russia and the .Tartars a pri-
vate soldier cried out: Captain, I have
caught a TartarI' The officer ordered
him to bring his prisoner forward. He
won't let mel the soldier shouted back.
and investigation showed that the Tar
tar was holding back his captor.
"Apple-Pie Order''-A certain Hepsi-
bah Merton, in Puritan times was in the
habit of baking two or three dozen apple
pies every Saturday. which were to last
her family through the week. She placed
them in her pantry, labelling one or more
for eoch day in the week. The pantry
THUS arranged was said to be in apple-pie
order.
ga Feather in Ones Capt. was once
custom in their wars with the Turks
for the Hungarians to wear a feather in
their caps for each Turk they had killed.
"BIackguards!''-W the Horse
Guards parade in ST. James Park. Lon
don, crowd of bootblacks always crowd
about to black their boots and do other
mental work. These attendants at the
guard-mount have long gone by the name
of 'black guards.
."Deadheads. In Pompei people who
gained admittance to an entertainment
without paying admission were called
'tdeadheads'' because the checks used
for admission were small ivory deaths
heads-Tit-Bits.
The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1901-10-20

"Deadheads. In Pompeii people who
gained Ambulance to an entertainment
without paying admission were called
"deadheads" because the checks used
for admission were small ivory deaths
heads.-Tit-Bits.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1901-10-10
Tu.sIe with English.

The pitfalls of the English tongue to
q foreigner are many. a Frenchwom-
an who has undertaken housekeeping
in New York thought she had good
working knowledge Of the language,
but soon discovered her mistake.
One day she called a carpenter and
planned with him to have some work
done about the house in the way of
putting up shelves. etc, and she went
over the ground with him as carefully
as possible to get from him an estimate
of what it would cost.
After the work was done the bill sub
mittcd was considerably in excess of
the sum first named. The Frenchwom-
an endeavored to demonstrate, but only
succeeded in making the following re-
nlarkalSle statement to him:
You are more dear to me than when
we were first engaged" = New York
Sun.