Manchester Democrat. [volume] (Manchester, Iowa) 1875-1930, 1901-05-29
KEPT TALLY on FIl,,ss5
THE ASTONISHING RESULT OF ONLY
ONE DAY OF COUNTING.
An Investigators Discovery of whnt
an Enormou. Bouquet of the Flow
ers of Fable Adorns the Daily
Speech of the Average Mortal,

an Enormous Bouquet of the Flow
ers of Fable Adorns the Daily
Speech of the Average Mortal.
do you know that the average Amer
lean is hopeless and incorrigible and
unmitigated liar?" said an amateur
cynic of Baronne street. 81 don't mean
he lies viciously, but suavc mendacity
glides off the end of his tongue us cas-
lily as molasses flows from spigot ON
warm day In summer. He does it un-
consciously, habitually, automatically
Just as his lungs expand and his
heart palpitates and his hair grows,
without any special attention from the
rest Of his system. He does 1t because
he can't help 1t. The thing has become
second nature.
81 had all this brought home to me-"
continued the amateur cynic, "by a
very simple little experiment which l
tried on myself and few others no
longer ago than yesterday morning.
Did you ever see pocket counting ma
chine? Well, it's little device shaped
like watch. Whenever you press the
stem the needle on the dial jumps a
point, and 1t registers in that way up
to several thousand on the principle of
cyclometer. They are used by any,
body making long counts and are very
handy, because they never forget where
they leave off.
"But, to come to the point, some
thing happened to remind me of our
national vice Of untruthfulness us 1
was getting up yesterday, and deter
mined to keep tab on myself and as
certain, If possible, how many actual,
out and out lies put into circulation
In the course of the day. Glanced to
have one Of the little counting ma
chimes have just mentioned, SO slip
ped 1t into my pocket and started out.
'aThe first lie told was right Mt the
door. Smithson was passing and stop.
ped to shake hands. Hello, old man!
said I. Delighted to see YOU when as
q matter of fact was deuced sorry to
see him, because owe him ten.
gave the counter squeeze ard hur-
AAC0 Oht Oub DClOLc i sOI " lue Oll1Ct L
had logged 1t nine times.
what did I jog 1t for, did you ask
oh, trivialities, mere trivialities, but ut
the same time point blank lies, every
one of 'em. Whenever opened my
mouth out dropped some COMPOUNDED
hyperbole. told Jones the joke he in.
sisted in springing on me was the best
ever heard and then made double
tally In assuring his wife she was look
ing remarkably well when she was
looking exactly like scarecrow.
told another friend never laughed so
much in my life as had at something
or other, don't remember now what,
and still another that hadn't slept a
wink for three nights when had neu-
ralgia lately-all lies, bald lies, in spite
OF their harmlessness.
"When reached the office and look
ed at the dial. was Mortified. Good
heavensr l said to myself. 1T seems
to be physically impossible for me to
speak the plain truth in the paltriest
matters. I'll just remain perfectly
quiet for half an hour and keep check
on Boggs'
"Boggs is our head bookkeeper and
a pillar in one of the suburban church.
es," continued the amateur cynic. "He
wears rubber overshoes in wet wealth
er. cultivates sandy side whiskers, car
ries gingham umbrella, belongs to a
building and loan association and has
all the other marks of severe respecta-
bility. had supposed him to be the
quintessence of cast iron veracity, but
when sat down in cold blood to put
him on record was astounded at the
blase fashion with which he frivoled
with the truth. pushed the button
on him 10 times in q minutes; then he
got into a whispered conversation with
caller, and lost the thread of his
remarks. But I am certain If l had
been in earshot the counter would have
had hard work keeping up with the
procession.
THAT relieved my mind somewhat,
and later on, when made quiet test
Of several Of the other fellows in the
Office, came to the conclusion that /
was no worse than the average, but the
average was pretty tough. AS far as
my Investigations went, the invoice
clerk held the record. He is guileless
sort Of chap, with modest manners and
freckled nose, and I never supposed
he had any Imagination concealed in
his peg topped Uranium, but he forced
me to push the indicator up exactly %
times in Is minutes. During the last
part Of the stretch, however, he was
trying to trade of a secondhand bicy-
Gle, and that naturally swelled the re-
turns.
"Of course soon realized that the
idea Of keeping count on my own men,
dacity was entirely impractical and
abandoned the effort but the other
data has furnished me with abundant
food for thought. My brother-in-law,
by the way, insists that we would
make great mistake in trying to
weed these flowers of fable out Of our
daily speech. He says we lie continu-
ally and systematically because every
body else lies, and man who would
start out to tell the plain, cold, raw,
rectangular truth about everything in
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