The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1901-02-23
LAFF AND GRO PLAT.
Facetious Paragraphs to Produce Smiles
and ChuckleS.

said the mistress to the cook, but YOU
mustn't forget that marriage is very
serious matter" Eyes, ma'am, know
it is-sometimes," remarked the domcs-
tic, but maybe I'll have better luck
than you did"
Betty Haran was 4 very pious old
Methodist. The parson often dropped
into Bctty's for gossip. Betty"
said he. Il always find you stuck in
your Bible. Now, tell me truly, do
YOU understand it all?" "Of course l
do" Indignantly. well, well, I've
been studying it all my life, and l
don't understand it all yet" AN if
yer reverence is Il blockhead, do We
think every wan else like ycrself?"
Johnny-Paw, what is Il campaign
lie? Paw-A campaign lie, my son, is
Il poster which asserts that tircSume
old talkcr is Il "silvcr-tongucd orator."
\ funny story comes from Dublin
about the Duke and Duchess of Con-
naught, relates the Washington Star.
1t seems that when they were out
driving the other day Il somewhat cor
pulent pig iobbcr ran alongside the
royal carriage for some time. The
duchess finally stopped the carriage
and asked the man what he wanted.
lie explained that it was the wish of
his life to obtain a good look ut her
and the duke. Somewhat BATTERED by
this explanation, the duchess remark
cd: ut must have tired you dread
fully to run beside the carriage in that
manner?' "Oh, no" replied the Irish
man, gallantly; "surc. haven't been
chasin' pigs all me lifc?"
There is one point to which | wish
to call your attention." said the owner
of a fine old colonial place to Il prospcc-
tive purchaser. what is that?" ",rhiS
estate is, 1 believe, absolutely unique
in this particular, among estates with
buildings as old as this one" and
what is this unique fcaturr?" ut was
never occupied by Washington as
headquarters
"Of course you quite understand
that shall call upon Mrs. Whittier for
your character" remarked Mrs. Tag
getty to the girl she had just engaged.
Certainly, m'm," replied the girl, cal
though would rather you didn't, for
Mrs. Whittier is so eccentric that she is
not always to be relied upon" ''In
what way is she ccccntric?" "Shc in
sists that her husband is quite Il model
father and husband, and that her chill
drcn have never caused her Il moments
anxiety" Him, not much in that
",Then she says that she is perfectly
content with one new dress and one
new hat each season." "II'm. she is ec-
centric. them" ''And. finally, she has
never attended a bargain sale, and says
that the only things sold at them are
the women who buy" "Oh, the wo-
mans mad! | shnn't trouble her for
your character, you can come in when
you likc!'
but don't love YOU" objected the
young woman. ",rlcn why" llowlcl
the indignant youth, referring hastily
to divers memoranda in his pocket
diary, did you eat n total of t;S pounds
of GO-cent candy | bought you during
the closing year of the nineteenth cen
fury, if you didn't love me?" BE
cause" she said, with II rapt express
sion on her lovely features, 81 do love
candy"
"Did you do nothing to rcsuscitatc
the body?" was recently asked of a
witness Mt a coroner's inquest. Eyes,
SIR; we searched the pockets" was the
reply.
Mrs. Benham-NOt one woman in Il
thousand marries the man she wants.
Benham-She don't want to marry the
man she wants; She wants to marry
the man some other woman wants.
Mamna-You have become very
fond of Mr. IIuggard in quite Il short
time. Daughtcr-Why, mamma, what
makes you think that? Mammal
overheard you telling him last night
that he was "too hateful for any
thing"
Oliver Wendell Holmes used to tell
Il story illustrative of the keen pcrccp-
lions of children. lie was present at a
gathering where he Glanced to be seat
ed near the rcfrrsllment table, and no.
ticcd little girl looking longingly at
the table. In his kindly way he said:
care you hungry, my child?" She
replied bashfully in the affirmative.
"I1hcn why don't you take Il sand
wich?" he asked. The little maid To-
spOnded, because haven't any fork"
The Autocrat quoted smilingly, "Fing-
crs were made before forks" and to
his intense amusement she answered,
Not my fingers!'
Mldrcd-Ihc count proposed to me
last night. ALPHABETICALLY? thought
he was cured of that habit. Last week
he told me he was ablaZe with a con
suming love for me, and papa had him
put out with a household eXtinguisher.
An Irish sheriff got writ to serve
on a young widow, and on coming into
her presence said: Madam have an