davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
THE TIME TO LAUGH.
SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL AND
SELECTED.
The Big Bostonian Got a Seat, but Had
to Take Keen Retort In the Bargain
A Quiet Retreat = Uncle Rastus'
Philosophy.
PERFECTLY PLAIN.

Uncle 'Rastus, VINO was seeking in
formation concerning mushrooms, had
been referred by a preternaturally SOL
emn student to the professor of bot
any, and with hat in hand he was ad-
dressing that dignitary
Would yo' mind tellin' me, Mistah
Mandrake" he said. how to 'stinguish
a musharoon I'm a toadstool?"
Willingly" replied the professor.
I'm the first place, you must remember
that the amanita phalloides, or deadly
agaric, closely resembles the agaricus
campestris, or edible fungus, which is
our common variety and absolutely in
nocuous. Next, it will be necessary
to fix firmly in your mind the distin-
gushing marks or characteristics of
the agarlcus campestris, which are
these: A pileus not covered with ex-
crescence-like scales; gills of brown
ish purple when mature; stalk solid
and approximately cylindrical; ring
near middle of stalk; base not bulbous
and not sheathed by membrane. The
distinguishing characteristics of the
amanita phalloides, or deadly agaric,
are lheSes iiieuS ueSIitule VI uiSthSt
excrescences, white gills, hollow stalk;
large ring, and prominent bulb at base.
with membraneous upper margin.
Bearing these points of differentiation
fully in mind, you will never be at a
loss to determine which variety you
encounter in any given case"
Yes, suh," said Uncle 'Rastus, turn
ing his hat round and round in his
fingers. II unstan' dat all right, but
how's l gwine tell 'em apaht?"-Chi-
cago Tribune.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
LIQUID FUEL RuRNING.

There has been recently brought out
in England what is known as the hy-
droleum system of burning liquid fuel.
which is attracting much attention
from persons interested in the matter.
1t is known as the hydroleum system,
and by means of it all descriptions of
liquid hydrocarbons from petroleum
to the various tars and tar refuse are
consumed with an entire absence of
smell and smoke The burner COM
prises combined feed of steam and
oil, or refuse, and the vapor of these
descent firebrick, upon striking which
the combined steam, by means of the
intense heat. is divided into oxygen
and hydrogen, and these combining
with the carbon are ignited and
passed through the boiler. So perfect
is the combustion and so intense is
the heat that is generated that a con-
siderable economy is effected in the
consumption of the fuel for boilers of
every description. Tests with a fifty
horsepower Hornsby boiler have
shown that fifteen pounds of water
are evaporated by the consumption
of one pound of tar refuse, whereas
with the same quantity of steam coal
only nine pounds of water are evap-
GRATED. The admiralty have exam
ined the process and intend to expert
ment with it in the navy.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
JOHNNY ON THE CAMEL.

The camel is a large and homely an
imal and has warts on its knees. You
can ride camel if you want to, but l
would rather pay is cents and walk
Still. if anybody needs exercise and
has a camel l think he ought to ride
him. The camel is a very patient ami
NAL. He will chew his victuals five
minutes and still not have them ready
to swallow. but keeps on chewing. The
camel frequents deserts and caravans
and has one or two Jumps on his back
He is often spoken of in the Bible and
in BenHur. We ought to read our
Bibles every day and be good. Once
there was lion that dared a camel to
run a race, and the camel took him
up. They ran three times around the
glittering arena and neither one was
ahead but when they dashed under the
wire on the home stretch the camel
Strengthened out his neck and won by
nearly six feet. The camel has three
compartments in his stomach and his
hair is useful for making shawls and
paint brushes.
Johnny
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
A OuIET RETREAT.

THE doctor recommended me to go
to farmhouse for two weeks this
summer" said the man of nerves, "and
I'm wondering If he ever passed a
night outside of city. On my first
night the tree toads kept me awake, on
my second the roosteIs crowed from
midnight on, and in my third a big
bullfrog in the horse pond didn't per-
NIT me to close my eyes. l got up next
morning and told the farmer l couldn't
stand it and must 90, and he heard
me In surprise and said:
" Why, man, I've had summer board
ers here who got so lonesome nights
that had to drive the old bull up and
twist his tail to mike him beller and
keep them companyi"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
KHEDIvE'S LOVE STORY.
Devotion of Egyptian Monarch to His
beautiful wife Is Unusual.

beautiful wife Is Unusual.
One of the most beautiful of Egyp-
tian women is the khedivah. and those
around the palace never seem to
weary of singing her praises. says a
writer in the Detroit Free Press. She
is one of the most devoted of wives.
The khedive is one of the few eastern
rulers who has lived in genuine love
story with the heroine for his wife.
The peerless Ikbal Hanem is of the
Circassian race. She was formerly a
slave of the vididi (dowager) khedivah.
at whose house the then young ruler of
Egypt first saw her. AS beauty gives
rank in the Orient. the young slaves
condition did not interfere with her
advancement She was courted and
won by the dashing young prince. and
finally formally married to him and
raised to the rank of khedivah. The
happy couple model their household
after the European fashion. She
neither paints nor powders her face, as
is the custom of Egyptian women of
high rank. She likes European dress
and has European servants and COVER
nesses for her three daughters. She
studies with her children and has an
open, inquiring mind. The khedive
adores his wife and is a devoted father.
He has charming manners, an easy.
smooth address. in which there is just
a touch of the good fellow. His most
intimate friends always remember that
he is khedive. He is quite stout. the
result, 1t is said, of his having when
af ha OF ~,
his professors in drinking beer. He is
good looking and intelligent He has
displayed rare capacity for keeping his
own counsel. The smooth penciling of
brows, eyelids and a certain dreamy
expression give the oriental touch to
his face.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
Royal Splendor Gains In France.

A few years ago, says a Paris cor
respondent. no French aristocrat
would have dared venture out in the
streets Of Republican Paris with a
gaily blazoned carriage, resplendently
harnessed horses, driven by a gor-
geously livered powdered coachman.
accompanied by an equally gorgeously
liveried powdered footman, nor would
Monsieur Grevy, when president, have
driven out preceded by gaudily dress
ed piquers in gold-trimmed jackets, es-
corted by dashing cavalry troops
Today the smartest of the smart aris-
tocracy have their superbly llveried
powdered men on their carriage boxes
and Monsieur Loubet drives forth upon
gala occasions in style suggestive of
desire for royal splendor.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
HE GOT A SEAT.

man who looked from his physical
proportions as If he could back up
any remark he might care to make in
public boarded a Boston (Mass) car
the other night. The car was filled,
but the man happened to get in row
which held only four passengers. None
of them made any sign of an indica
tion to move up and give him seat
He limited repeatedly, but received no
encouragement, ard finally said gruf
fly, so as to be heard by every passen-
ger in the car:
These benches are made for five hui
man beings or four car hogs"
His rebuke caused a general laugh,
which was quickly turned on him when
one of the four men arose-to leave the
car. AS he stepped OF he remarked:
You are mistaken. These benches
were made for four-three human be-
ings and one car hog. Take your seat"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
Travellers to California

Naturally desire to see the grandest
and most impressive scenery en- route.
This you will do by selecting the Den
yer & Rio Grande and Rio Grande
Western, 1.-The Scenic Line Of the
World" and 1.-The Great Salt Lake
Route" in one or both directions, as
this line has two separate routes across
the Rocky mountains between Denver
and Ogden. Tickets reading via this
route are available either via it's main
line through the Royal Gorge, Lead
vile, over Tennessee pass, through the
Canon of the Grand river and Glen
wood Springs, or via the line over
Marshall Pass and through the Black
Canon of the Gunnison, thus enabling
the traveller to use one of the above
routes going and the other returning.
Three splendidly equipped fast trains
are operated to and from the Pacific
coast, which carry through standard
sleepers daily between Chicago, St
Louis, Denver and San Francisco. Din
ing cars (service a la carte) on all
through trains. If you contemplate
such trip, let us send you beautifully
illustrated pamphlets, free. S. X.
Hooper, G. p. & T. A, Denver, Colo.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
PERFECT GLASS GOWN.

The most wonderful dress in the
world is owned by an American sing
er, Miss Ellene Jaqua of Brooklyn. N.
Y, who has recently purchased for the
sum of s1,250 the gown made of spun
glass which was such a feature of the
costume exhibit at the Paris exhibit
ton. The gown differs materially
from the famous glass dress shown at
the Worlds Fair in Chicago, and
purchased by the Infanta Eulalie, for
the dress in the possession of the
Spanish Princess cannot be worn on
account of the fragility of the strands
of glass which snap and splinter with
the slightest effort to bend them
Miss Jaqua is the first woman to wear
a real glass gown.
The glassblowers of Dresden. Ger
many, who fashioned this wonderful
gown, were five months in blowing"
the cloth. Infinite care and labor were
necessary to blow the glass until the
strands or threads were strong and
yet pliable enough to be woven into
cloth that could be cut and handled.
Fourteen yards of extra wide glass
cloth, So yards of spun glass braid and
25 yards of glass fringe were required
for the dress. In spite of this guam
uty of cloth. the dress is no heavier
than an ordinary evening gown of the
softest material.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
rooL1sa aArHEArER AUDIENCE.

Apropos of the wave of melodrama
now almost engulfng the local stage
Justice Jerome recalls this story of his
father, the late Lawrence R. Jerome
who as Larry" Jerome was one of the
best known of the old school of prac-
tical jokers and men about town"
With friend Mr.. Jerome was watch
ing the progress of real heart thriller
of the old days, the plot of course,
revolving about the disposition OF
mortgage that threatened to thwart the
ing Mrs. John Hoey, in her day as
popular as any actress of these times
With the plot at its thickest, the hero
inc in despair, the villain triumphant
and the outlook in every way dark for
the prosecuted girl as the curtain was
descending at the end of the third act,
Larry" Jerome, with tears rolling
down his cheeks, rose from his sea.
and in most impassioned tones, his
voice broken with sobs, but audible all
over the house, exclaimed to his com
panion:
by heaven, Tom. I'll pay that mort
gage myself"
Then this consummate old joker and
clever actor strolled out into the lobby
to enjoy one of the biggest sensations
first night audience at Wallacks had
had in their lives. Incidentally too.
the ruse of Jerome's helped materially
to the making of the play.-New York
Times.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
Johnny.
UNCLE EnEN,s SAVINGS.

De norf wind hollers TO it hit you.
De dog chain tromples on ekal
rights.
De quicksand don't fool you but
once.
De bobbykew takes way heap O. bad
feelin's.
Sunday breeches fit bes' when dey
been paid for.
'Tis dangerous to hab de rotten
round OBJ de ladder on top.
'Tain't no consolation to git chewed
up by a fus-class dog.
De rabbit amt pertickler bout holes
when de houn's git in sight
When a man gifts too keerful to was's Q
his tater peelin's, he's runnin' de thing
in de groun'.
A po' man out o. wuk is wus OFF dan
a stray dog. cause he got to keep on
explainin his sitivatioH.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05

leafy and branchy. would be seen blaz.
ing up suddenly all in one heavinr.
booming. passionate flame reaching
from the ground to the top of the
tree, and fifty to hundred feet or
more above it, with smoke column
bending forward and streaming away
on the upper free-flowing wind.
To burn these green trees a strong
fire OF dry wood beneath them is re-
quired to send up current of air hot
enough to distill inflammable gases
from the leaves and sprays then. in
stead of the lower limbs gradually
catching fire and igniting the next and
next in succession, the whole tree
seems to explode almost simultaneous
ly, and with awful roaring and throb-
bins round, tapering flame shoots up
two or three hundred feet, and in
second or two is quenched, leaving the
green spire black dead mast bristled
and roughened with down-curling
boughs.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
Europe's Tom Thumb state.

Tho tiniest thing in the way of in
dependent European states is San Ma
rino. Its rival to the claim of diminu-
tiveness is Monaco, but this is re-
public snugly tucked away among the
eastern spurs of the Apennines. 1t is
only thirty-two miles square, and has
a population fewer than 5000 But 1t
IS dignified and prosperous little
community, and no less proud of it's
independence. 1t has just been cele-
brating its sixteenth century and has
jubilated right royalty over its ami
versary. San Marino is embraced
within the area of Italy. but though
it acknowledges the king of Italy as
its friend and protector 1t strictly
maintains its dependence.-London
Black and White.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
SPOTTED.

Weary" said Mr.. Waggles side
partner. as they reposed on a slant of
tender turf beside the quiet highway.
do you know what Jigsby's been a.
sayin' about you?"
Mop" said the great man as he
looked longingly into the void of his
battered can; "wot's he been sayin'?"
He says" replied the side partner,
that you was once so hard up that
you actually sawed an armful o. wood
fer a widder woman"
Its easy enuff to see wot that story
means" said the great wanderer,
gloomily.
"Wot does it mean, Weary?"
1T means blackmail; that's wot it
means"
And then, the subject being a deli
cate one, it was permanently dropped.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
1LLUM1NArEp SIGNAL KITE.

William A. Eddy has arranged
new self-illuminated kite for war sig
mailing in midair, and for signaling be-
tween exploring parties" says New
York dispatch. This is a mammoth
kite, nine feet in diameter, flown with
three lanterns fastened close to the
kite, and brightly lighting it. The
lights can be shut off and turned on
by pulling the signaling line specific
distances, thus making the dot and
dash Morse signal code. The signal
line is loose and joins the main line
at the earth. Concerning the device
Mr.. Eddy says:
In my recent experiment with a
self-illuminated kite, devised for max
ing intermittent light flashes at night
the chief difficulty | encountered was
in starting the kite without assistance,
for l believed that the kite would be
more useful if it could be handled by
one person. l started the kite aloft
by first leaning it against a telegraph
pole in a perpendicular position, with
the lighted lanterns suspended near
its face.
When l started to run the cord lead
ing to the kite was in a horizontal
position, but the lanterns still re-
mained perpendicular as the mammoth
kite rose rapidly. The illumination
was an instant and brilliant success,
the face of the huge kite being sharply
outlined against the dark sky. While
the kite rose all right, soon found
that the lighted lanterns caused the
bride to exert a strain too low down
on the kite, thus at the first ascension
lessening the steepness with which
the kite cord was carried up into the
air. but by changing the flying point
on the bride to a higher position l
soon overcame this difficulty.
TT is always a great advantage in
night signaling and other experiments
20 fasten apparatus direct to the kite
for thus greater height can be at
tained. l have attached very few
things direct to kites in aerial expert
mental work. because anything that
affects the balance or center of gravity
of the kite will instantly prevent an
ascension unless a counter weight is
duueu 10 restore the center OF gravity.
Even few ounces in we ght may pre-
vent an ascension in light winds. In
my self-luminous kite the bride only
is affected, and this was remedied cas-
lily. l have not used incandescent
lights, because lighting with electric
wire requires Insulation and return
circuit, besides expense and difficulty
in the transportation of heavy machin-
cry. For army signaling. exploration
or night carnivals. have produced an
apparatus which weighs only eight or
ten pounds. and which can be carried
in pack by one man. A light tripod,
weighing about half pound, can be
used to place the kite and lanterns in
an upright position when starting the
kite up into the air."
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
NORDIOA AND HER DOLLS.
she Delighted the Hearts of Four Little
Children at Foil.


Children at Poll.
All who know Nine. Lillian Nordica,
the popular prima donna, testify that
she has as kindly a h art as ever beat
in a human breast. She recently spent
some time at Boil, and during one OF
her walks through the village she saw
four little girls paying in front of
tumble-down house built apparently in
medieval times. They had doll of
unique description. 1t was made of
a bootjack clad in q torn bit of apron
The next afternoon Nine. Nordica set
out on foot for Bonndorf, the nearest
village of Importance, with two
friends. Half way up the mountain
the rain, which had threatened for
some hours, came dripping down.
Throwing her cloak about her shoul-
ders and digging her walking cane
firmly into the slippery way she climb
ed upward. Her checks were pink
from exertion and perspiratlon mingl-
ri with the raindrops on her face, but
20 Bonndorf she finally went A
search disclosed a shop where dolls
of wonderful waxen and expressionless
in the black forest, were waiting on
the shelves. The hour was late. so a
carriage was ordered at the inn and
down to Boil she drove in the twi-
light. Out of the carriage she climbed,
the famous Brunnhilde of the Metro
politan opera, and lifted the antique
knocker on the door of the tumble
down house in Boil 1t was not yet
night, but the PEASANTS had gone to
bed. Presently a mans head was
stuck out of the window. To explain
her mission was a brief matter. The
smiling father in rather scant raiment
hurried down to take the paper con-
tanning the four dolls. AS she drove
away four tous ed yellow little heads
were stuck out of the window and
shrieks of delight followed her while
she waved her hand until bend in the
road shut out the sight and sound of
the happiness that she had left behind.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
GARBAGE-HoLDING ATTACHMENT
FOR SINKS

this new sink attachment to catch the
waste products before they fall into
the trap, thus making it easy for the
material to be removed by any one
without the aid of a plumber The
device is composed of wire cloth bas-
ket of fine mesh. which is suspended
inside an enla ged section of the out
let pipe, with means for removing the
lid and lifting out the basket to emp
ty the contents. Around the central
lid is perforated rim, through which
The water flows into the slanting gut
ter below, passing thence through
coarse screen into the wire basket,
where the liquid is drained of all for
eign matter Suspended from two ears
at the sides is wire handle by which
to remove the basket, and the cover
can be lifted by the sliding loop at the
center
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
JUST WHAT HE SAID.

you said" asserted the irate Gus
toner. that this tonic would make
hair grow"
81 did," admitted the clerk
The customer removed his hat and
showed a head as smooth as a billiard
ball.
1--WE been using that tonic for three
months" he said.
"Oh, that's all right" answered the
clerk promptly. You have no hair
to grow. If you h d the tonic would
work all right. What m IRE can you
expect?"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
SAVES PLUMBERS BILLS.

Many housewife who thinks she is
careful not to throw anything in the
sink is surprised at the amount of
waste brought to light by the plumber
who has been sent for to discover the
cause of the clogged drain, for the mat
ter will accumulate in spite of extreme
care. One Charles e. Cox has designed
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
NOW HE KNOWS.

"T have read good deal about kill
ing mosquitoes VITA kerosene" said
the breathless man who had climbed
six flights of stairs to ask the ques-
ton, "and l wish you would tell me
how they do it."
They drown them in it" respond
ed the answers-to-queries editor. "If
you bet that they soak them in the
kerosene and touch a match to them
Won have lost Call again"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
ATTACHMENT FOR suspEspERs

The elastic webbing in a pair of sus-
penders is sometimes more of a nui-
sance than the convenience it is in
tended to be. as it frequently bitches
the shirt upward when yielding to the
various motions of the body. AS 1t is
necessary, however. to make some pro
vision for variation in the strain on
the supporters a tension arrangement
must be used. 1t has occurred to Louis
Dahl. Texas inventor. that the body
portion of the suspenders might be
maintained in a fixed position, and
thereby hold the shirt in place, II the
play was provided for by coiled springs
located in the three ends. The idea
is carried out as shown. with spring
controlled drums contained in metallic
pockets and adapted to revolve and
pay out the cord whenever undue
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
ELASTIC.

strain is exerted. the springs revolving
the drums in the opposite direction
and winding up the cord again as soon
as the strain is removed As metal will
retain its life much longer than rub
ber the improved suspenders should
be more desirable than the old pattern
from the point of durability, and the
increase in weight is scarcely percep-
tible to the wearer.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
Care of the Complexion.

Many persons with delicate skin suffer
greatly in winter from chapping. Ere
quently the trouble arises from the use
of impure soap and cheap salves. The
face and hands should be washed only in
clear, hot water with Ivory Soap. A lit
tie mutton tallow or almond oil may be
used after the bath to soften the skin.
ELIZA r. PARKER
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
BURNING THE REDWOOD.

Perhaps the most startling phenome-
non of the fire was the quick death of
childlike sequoias only a century or
two of age says John Muir in the At
lantic. In the midst of the other COM
paratively slow and steady fire work,
one of these tall beautiful saplings,
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05

Foolish and obstinate people alone
suffer from neuralgia or rheumatism.
For they can always secure Wizard OIL
and cure themselves.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05

Dropsy treated free by DIR. H. H. Green's
Sons, of Atlanta, Ga. The greatest dropsY
specialists in the world. Read their adver-
tisement in another column of this paper.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05

Doctor-This man is overworked His
brain is failing. You should have called
me sooner Wife-While he had any sense
left he wouldn't have a doctor
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05

You don't expect they would quarrel
right right before the clergyman. did
you?"
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05

Bill-Were you ever held up on the
street? Jim-Never. except when l was
so drunk l couldn't stand alone.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05

Johnnie wants to know If they cut up
looking glasses to make artificial eyes
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05

FITS rermanen;yCuro -,onts tr nervousness sftci
first day OF Dr. Kline Great Nerve Kestorer.
send for FREE s2.OO trial bottle and treatise.
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05
sweden's Electric Railway.

Sweden promises to be the first coun-
try to substitute electricity for steam
upon large scale on railroad lines
The Elk Mountain pilot., 1901-11-05

I am sure Piso's Cure for Consumption saved
my life three years ngo-Mrs. THos. RoBBINs.
Maple Street. Norwich, N. Y, Feb. II. 1900.