Richmond daily palladium. [volume] (Richmond, Ind.) 1876-1904, 1901-03-09
KEPT TALLY on FIBS.

An Investigators Discovery of What
an Enormous Bouquet OF the Flow
ers of Fable Adorns the Daily
speech of the Average Mortal.
DO you know that the average Amer
lean is a hopeless and incorrigible and
unmitigated liar:" said an amateur
cynic of Baronne street. Il don't mean
he lies viciously. but suave mendacity
lily as molasses flows from a spigot en-
warm day in summer. He does il un-
consciously, habitually. automatically
just as his lungs expand and his
heart palpitates and his hair grows,
without any special attention from the
rest of his system He does 1t because
he can't help it. The thing has become
a second nature.
Il had all this brought home to me-"
continued the amateur cynic, by a
very simple little experiment which l
tried on myself and a few others no
longer ago than yesterday morning.
Didsyou ever see a pocket counting ma
chine: Well. its little device shaped
like a watch. Whenever you press the
stem the needle on the dial jumps IA
point. and it registers in that way up
to several thousand on the principle of
cyclometer. They are used by any
body making long counts and are very
handy. because they never forget where
they leave off.
But, to come to the point, some
thing happened to remind me of our
national vice of untruthfulness as /
was getting up yesterday, and | deter
mined to keep tab on myself and as
certain. il possible. how many actual,
out and out lies put into circulation
in the course of the day. l CHANGED to
have one of the little counting ma
chimes | have just mentioned, SO l slip
ped ii into my pocket and started out.
THE first lie | told was right at the
door. Smithson was passing and stop
ped to shake hands. Hello. old mani
said |. Delighted to see you when as
matter of fact | was deuced sorry to
see him, because | owe him ten. l
gave the counter a squeeze and hur-
ried on. but before | got to the office l
had logged it nine times.
oh. trivialities. mere trivialities, but at
the same time point blank lies, every
one of 'em Whenever l opened my
mouth out dropped some COMPOUNDED
hyperbole. l told Jones the joke he in
sisted in springing on me was the best
I ever heard and then made a double
tally in assuring his wife she was look
ing remarkably well when she was
looking exactly like a scarecrow. l
told another friend l never laughed so
much in my life as | had al something
or other, don't remember now what.
and still another that l hadn't slept
wink for three nights when | had neu-
ralgia lately-aH lies, bald lies, In spite
of their harmlessness.
when | reached the office and look
ed at the dial, was Mortified. Good
heavensr l said to myself. 1T seems
to be physically impossible for me to
speak the plain truth in the paltriest
matters. I'll just remain perfectly
quiet for half an hour and keep check
on Boggs.
..Boggs is our head bookkeeper and
a pillar In one of the suburban church
es.'' continued the amateur cynic. He
wears rubber overshoes in wet wealth
er, cultivates sandy side whiskers, car
ries Bingham umbrella, belongs to
building and loan association and has
all the other marks of severe respecta-
bility. | had supposed him to be the
quintessence of cast iron veracity, but
when | sat down In cold blood to put
him on record | was astounded at the
blase fashion with which he frivoled
with the truth. I pushed the button
on him Is times in % minutes: then be
got into a whispered conversation with
a caller, and | lost the thread of his
remarks But I am certain IL | had
been in earshot the counter would have
had hard work keeping up with tho
procession.
That relieved my mind somewhat.
and later on. when | made quiet test
of several of the other fellows in the
office, came to the conclusion that
was no worse than the average, but the
average was pretty tough AS far as
my Investigations went the invoice
clerk held the record He is a guileless
sort of chap, with modest manners and
freckled nose. and never supposed
he bad any Imagination concealed in
me To push the indicator up exactly %
times in ID minutes During the last
part Of the stretch. however. he was
trying to trade off a secondhand biey-
Gle, and that naturally swelied the re-
turns.
"Of course | soon realized that the
idea of keeping count on my own men,
dacity was entirely impractical and
abandoned the effort, but the other
data has furnished me with abundant
food for thought My brother in-law,
by the way. insists that we would
make a great mistake in trying to
weed these flowers of fable out of our
daily speech He says we lie continu-
ally and systematically because every
body else lies. and a man who would
start out TO tell the plain. cold raw
rectangular truth about everything in
life would be little better than an an
arcbist He would upset all establish
ed standards of value and make it nee
essary almost TO recaSt the language
Besides. nobody would believe him.
But my brother-in-law is q doctor.
added the amateur cynic thoughtfuiiy