davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02
OUR BUDGET OF HUMOR
LAUcHTER-PRovoKlNc STORIES FOR
LOVERS OF FUN,

1t Was Bargain-Literary Pursuits-Her
Amendment - His Qualifications - His
Conjecture-Inure to Disorder-How
He Disposed of Him, Etc, Etc.
For your thoughts, miss,
| will gladly give this"
Said the youth, as he held up a penny.
"Well, | think one kiss
L would surely not miss
Answered the maid, ''Sscm among SO
many"
Chicago Daily News.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

During the great Chesterfelds wan
derings abroad he once rested at an
inn which was kept in any but a neat
condition. Not only were the rooms
untidy, but even the dishes from
which the guests Were expected to eat
were dirty. This was too much for
Lord Chesterfield, and he soundly
rated the waiter.
every one must eat his peck of
dirt the latter coolly observed.
"True," was the instant retort, "but
no one is obliged to eat It all at once"
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

The sweet notes of the song rose
from the girls room on the floor be-
low.
I'm saddest when 1 sing" We're the
words.
"Most women are" growled the Gym
ic on the floor above, because they
can't sing and talk at the same time"
Detroit Free Press.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02
FREEL AND 7RIDU Ne.
ESTABLISHED 1888
PUBLISHED EVERY
MONDAY, WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY,
BY THE
TRIBUNE PRINTING COMPANY, Limited
OFFICE; MAIN STREET ABOVE CENTRE.
LONG DISTANCE TELEPHONE


FREELAND.-rhe TRIBUNE is delivered by
carriers to subscribers in Freeland at the rate
of l2t6 cents per month, payable every two
months, or 81 80 n year, payable in advance.
The TRIBUNE may be ordered direct form tho
carriers or from the office. Com plants of
irregular or tardv delivery service will re-
oeive prompt attention.
BY MAIL The TRIBUNE is sent to out-of-
town subscribers for Sl,50 year, payable in
advance; pro rata terms for shorter periods
The date when the subscription expires is on
the address label of each paper. Prompt re-
newals must be made at the expiration, other
wise the subscription will be discontinued.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02
How He Got RELIGION.

"Did you ever get religion?" asked
the revivalist.
"Well, l should say so-13S pounds
of it," replied the man.
"a hundred and thirty-eight pounds
of religionw cried the revivalist. 'How
did you get that?"
1.-The only way that a good many
men ever get religion" was the reply.
Il married it. t."-Chicago Post.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

1t is said that the Emperor William
of Germany has received snub from
his dear friend the Sultan of Turkey.
The Sultan is, indeed, n dear friend
it costs trihe too much to have close
dealings with him. Anybody who
would practice economy politically
would better remain free from en-
tangling alliances with the sublimely
ridiculous Porte.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

"Yes. SIR" said the returned Klon-
diker. lone of my dogs-just common
mongrel-saved my life.'
And you were not heartless enough
to sell him, We're you?" they asked.
"Naw. 1 ate him."-Indianapolis
Press.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

"It is Rubens, is it not?" said the
visitor, turning from an inspection of
the painting to the hostess.
MY husbands name" replied Mrs.
Gaswell, with cutting distinctness, 'is
William. It's his all right, though. He
paid $1,000 for it."-Chicago Tribune.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

''Now that you are married." said
her intimate friend, "do you intend
to hyphenate your name and call your
self Mrs. Plumb-Duff?"
"No," replied the lovely bride, with
a shy glance at her fond and proud
young husband. "This is not Il con-
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

Borroughs-"Sorry to have kept you
waiting so long for that fiver 1 owe
you, but I'll send you a check to-mor-
row."
Markley-"For Goodness sake,
don'tw
Borroughs-"Why not"
Markley-"Because I'd Nbe tempted
to throw in another flyer for frame
for it."-Catholic Standard and Times.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

While the old idea of Siberia was
that of a desolate, frozen region,
without material value and a dumping
ground for the criminal refuse OF
Russia, it is now known to possess di-
Versities of climate, vast areas of fer
tile soil, and illimitable timber and
mineral wealth.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

"Jack, you ought to straighten up
your writing table"
"Lemme alone, Julia; If I were to
straighten up this table couldn't find
thing on it until it got all mussed
up again" n."-Indianapolis Journal.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02
Too Late.

Suffering Employer (writing a let
ter)-"B -b-b-boy, hand me b-b-b-bl-bl-
bl-"
Office Boy-"A blotter, sir, do you
wish?'
Suffering Employer-"Never mind
n-n-n-now; the ink has d-d-d-dried. -
Harper's Bazaar
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

"How do you get on with your new
neighbors?"
VERY nicely" answered Mrs. Bly,
kins. I'VE pursued our usual pro-
gramme, and as soon as they moved in
sent over and asked to borrow their
wash tubs, fiat irons, gas stove and
baby grand piano."
But you have all such things your
self"
"Of course. What l wanted to do
was to head them off. "-Washington
Star.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

The poets eyes flashed as he heard a
woman's footsteps upon the stairs.
"Ah," he mused, "'tis she! My in
spiration.'
And fell to writing again.
For he had heard the footsteps of
his landlady, and his board was over
due.-Harper's Bazaar.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

The chief fire warden of Mime
sofa, which Commonwealth has law
for the prevention and suppression
of forest fires, reports that there We're
only 10 such confagrations in the
Badger state last year. These burned
over $3.50 acres, and damaged timber
to the extent of only $1541.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

Servant-"There's n man at the door
says he is hungry and has no home.''
Mr.. GotroX-"Ask him which of my
daughters it is that he wants. 1t must
be another one Of those foreign noble.
men."-Judge.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

New Zealand is the latest custome7
for American railroad equipment, hay-
ing bought 1000 tons of steel rails and
several hundred cars. Thus does our
export trade widen its field.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

Eyes, l advertised for a boy" said
the coal dealer, throwing out his chest.
what qualifications have you?"
81 can lie little, SIR" replied the
boy, timidly.-Answers.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

81 pity authors who have to lead
such sedentary lives"
"Sedentary! You don't call chasing
publishers a sedentary life, do you?"-
Chicago Record.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

well, umbrellas have had an in
ming" said Mr.. Snaggs, after the
shower.
perhaps you mean an outing" an
swered Mrs. Snaggs.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

Now comes the London Lancet and
places tobacco as next to regular food
in its benefits to the system 1t is as
serted that tobacco is healthy and de
sirable stimulant for soldiers and those
engaged in hard manual labor.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

So poor is the spelling in some Of the
Chicago schools that a return to the
spelling methods OF the country schools
OF two decades ago is earnestly advocat-
ed in that city.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

Entered at the Postof1ice at Freeland. Pa,
as Second-Class Matter.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

BY order of the London school board,
the teachers in all the schools of that
city have tested the sight of the chill
dren under their care. Over % per
cent. We're found to have defective
vision. These children We're given no.
tices, in which the announcement was
made to their parents that the pupils
were suffering from seriously defective
vision, and that their eyes should be
treated by occulists without delay.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

The opening address of the Women's
Legal Educational society was deliv-
cred by prominent young
woman of New York City.
She defined the objects of the
enterprise as follows: "rhese courses
have been framed to meet the wants
of women who desire familiarity with
law, either for practical purposes in
business and the administration of
trust estates or for its value in general
culture and as a higher study for
mental development. They also fur
nish preparation for entrance upon
ihe professional study of law, with a
view to active practice at the bar"
1t would be interesting to know what
the gentlemen of the bar think of the
growing independence of women in
this direction.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

In China there is twenty times as
much coal as in all Europe.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02

y young man and young woman
belonging to the smart set of New
York City, preparations for the usual
consummation of whose engagement
were in the initial stage, eloped the
other day, and gave as their reason
that they wanted to avoid an elabor-
ate wedding. This sort of thing can
not occur many times without itself
becoming fashionable. We shall have
quiet Il weddings "the style" and who
but florists, caterers, and dressmak-
ers will fail to welcome the changer ?
The parade of n fashionable wedding
necessarily occupies the minds of the
contracting parties to the exclusion of
reverent consideration of the solemn
obligations marriage imposes, OBJ
serves Harper's Bazaar.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1901-01-02
SISTER ROSE.
t++4+++!s*yss***

7 HE sunshine was sleeping all
the meadow lands in gold; the
wild-roses We're opening their
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18

by its color. Now, it so happens that Ma
ture has bestowed on you a distinction
very similar to that of the goldfish. In
the streets of Shanghai. / dare say, a boy
or man with red hair is as remarkable a
phenomenon as the goldfish among fishes.
The moment you were seen by member
of the guild the comparison became inev-
liable. 1t was in the character of a hui
man goldfish that you were trapped and
detained. As long as their affairs pros
pered you We're well treated when things
began to go wrong they ceased to believe
in you"
Gilchrist was silenced.
The professor completed his explana-
ton:
There can be no doubt that the men in
whose company you spent that time were
a very dangerous gang of robbers and
murderers. from whom you were exceed
ingly fortunate TO escape alive. The cere-
was evidently their method of drawing
lots When you drew the stick you prob
ably saved a life. but every time you de-
livered the dagger into the hands of one
Of those men you tignorantly caused a
murder.
Gilchrist gave a strong shudder. Then
he rose, walked over to the table, and
seizing the book / had discovered that
morning. crushed il down into the heart of
the fire.-Allen Upward in Chambers
Journal
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
SOME CHINESE FAKES.


THE wooden nutmeg Yankee and the
| fellow who sharpened shoe pegs at both
| ends and sold EN- for oats were raw
| amateurs compared to the heather Chi
nee," remarked the travelling representa-
| tive of big house that deals in table
delicacies. Our foreign agent, c. l. Bar
tow who, by the way is a native of New
Orleans. was in Shanghai at the time the
Boxers broke loose and he remained there
ever since A few weeks ago the firm re-
ceived a package from him inclosng a
lot of Chinese counterfeits of American
goods, which he had picked up at differ
ent times as curios. Some OF the fakes
were very ingenious and some were laugh
able In their cold-blooded rascality.
Among the lot. for instance, was packet
Of what looked like ordinary American
lead pencils with the name of we'll
known maker stamped In gilt at the end.
They were perfect facsimilies and would,
no doubt, have answered just as well as
the genuine If they had contained any
lead; but that feature was omitted. They
were simply round sticks, stained black
OF course. such brazen frauds are not
sold in the established shops They ere
handled by native peddlers. who work
them off in large quantities on foreigners
who are purchasing supplies MI bdIto"
writes that an English engineering officer
of his acquaintance invested in 100 dozen.
Another gem in the collection Is box
OF toilet SOAP made out sort OF clay,
mixed with little grease and stained Ink.
The stuff looks like soap. and as long as
one keeps il away from water it is all
right But If it gets wet 1t becomes mud.
What was perhaps the boldest fake in the
lot was a dummy can OF beef. 1t was SIM
ply a cylinder of wood, covered at both
ends with lead colored metallic paint and
wrapped around with what appeared TO
be n genuine American label. In making
the weight exactly the same as that of a
bona fde tin of meat the Chinese eoun-
terfeiter had displayed a good deal OF cum
ming. The wood was little too heavy
and to reduce it, to the proper point he
had bored a hole in the side and plugged
il with light porous earth. The label Is
so perfect that we are in doubt whether
il Is "a Autographed copy or the real thing,
stripped from some old can. The dummy
Il one of "A big consignment when is SAID
10 have been unioaded on an army con-
tractor He was told that the stun mad
been stolen from an American warehouse,
and when the lot was exhibitedto him. IN
a partially darkened4 room, "a lew dozen
real cans We're scattered on Top. lhey
were opened in his presence 10 snow tne
quality of the meat and ne was fooi
enough to buy the entire supply at ABOUT
hqIf urlce The Chinese declare the We
tim was Jap. bat that statement may
be taken with aiiittie salt-say hoss-
head full.-New Orleans Times-Democrat'
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
would Take n Drop.

(From the Philadelphia Press.)
City Barber Ito Scotch visitor after shavins)-
Little bay rum, sirY
Scotch Nisitor-Well I'm IA fond o rum. but
wadna rafuse a drap O. whisky.
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18

(From the Cleveland Plain Desler0
The East Cleveland car had passed Lake View.
Near the front sat two women. one from the rural
districts. the other a Clevelander who was show
inl, the sights.
As the car passed Forest HUI the rustic sister
..Oh. cousin Sarahi What's that cute little
stone buid:n y
'sThat?'' returned the Glevelander with an air
OF superiority why that's just little church
RockefeIler's buildin' for his own private use!'
And the rolled on
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18

-'T understand sir" severely remarked the pre-
ceptor that you and a gang of other heodluns
took a freshman out last night and compelled him
to swallow a bottle Of tabasco satice. Explain
yourself. s.ri''
Eve did it," replied the trembling soph; I'VE
made him swallow the sauce. but
Enough siri l want you to understand thai
tabasco sauce costs money. sir! l win have no
wssteful extravangance in this institution long
as turpentine can be procured chsAply. Now.
sir. goi''
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18

(F'rom the Ohio State Journal)
Circus Manager-What's all that row in the
dressing-roomr
Attendant-Oh, the man who walks bareiooted
on swords ran a splinter in his foot.
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
A Good word.

From the Atchison Gobe)
There is at least this TO be said to the credit
Of whisky. 1t never looks you up; it will let
Won alone if YOU let it alone. Gossip hunts
you Up, whether you are in the game or not
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18

(From the Kansas City star.)

OFrom the Kansas City Star.)
..Maua." asked little Nellie. what is an an
gel?''
girl that flies"
But. mama. why does papa always call my
nurse an angelY'
Hum" responded the mother. after mo-
ncnt of thought. Your nursie is going to ny
Immediately"
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
A Hard Pull.

(From the Chicago Tribune)
Wealthy Paticnt-What is your bill Tor ampu-
tating my leg?
Eminent surgeon-Three hundred dollars. sir.
Wealthy Patient (flling out a check)-That's a
brave effort DOCTOR but it will never restore
the leg to its normal length
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
What She Wanted.

From the Chicago Record-Herald)
..Bessie. what do you want for your birthdayr'
PA, | want I be boy an go fishin' 'thout
nobody {, boss me.
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
inst Like IA Woman.

(Frum the Philadelphia Bulletin)
sHow did the bearded woman take it when the
manager discharged herr
she faced it like a till she went in the
dressiny-rooni and got her false whiskers OH,
then she broke down and cried like a woman.
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18

(Fron the Baltimore American9
Mr.. Gooph-I tell you. Biithershy's wife IL
jewel
Mr.. Whoop-Is that so.
Mr.. Gooph-I should say Why, he went
fishing yesterday. and came home with an empty
lug can OF salmon and two salt mackerel,
and she complmented him his luck
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
The Difference.


(From the New York WeekIy.)
Irate Patron--I thought this railroad was for
the benefit of the public
Railroad Oficial-Youre away of. The public
is for the benefit of the railroad.
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18

1From the Chicago PoSt-)
They were breaking up housekeeping.
1T seems a shame" she said. TO throw away
this statue OF VEINS, even if the nose is Clipped
and an arm broken and foot gone. Don't you
suppose we could give it to some onef
TT might be appropriate to go over the door OF
a hospital don't you tlIink1' he suggested
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
A Modern wonder.


(From the Philadelphia Bulletin.)
She's a wonder of the age,
For she il upon the stage,
And you will agree with US II her you've seen,
For she's over forty-six,
But she manages TO fix
So She looks TO be around about sixteen.
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
wanted Them at Rest.


CFrom the Chicago Tribune)
.you want the pockets TO run up and down,
| suppose - said the tailor.
eve sin" the irritable customer replied. II
prefer stationary pockets You may make the
Sits perpendicular, however
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
Getting Even.


tfrum tunD
Tune,-Mrs wilkins left word that could cali
and repair your piano
Mr.. Wilkns-Whats the matter with lit
T,ner-She SAYS three strings broken
Mr. wilkins (confdentially) -Look, here's half
n sovereign Break the rest of en-
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
News.


Spa. what is newSP',
"Weil, Jimmie, real news is what We read in
| the paper about something that We didn't know
lad happened right in our oEn neighborhood.'
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
Appropriate.

From the Yonkers Statesman-)
Mrs Criinsonbeak-What do YOU call the man
who is supposed to tell what the weather is go
ing to be?
Mr.. Crimsonheak-f suppose I'll have to say
prqyarirxtor but that isn't the word some people
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18
COnyn1escent.


Mrs Biack-Am Lucy Jackson's husband able
to 20 to work yit?
Mrs. Johnson-De docktah say he am. but he
say he am only ies' well enough to injy loahn
The Washington times. (Washington [D.C.]) 1901-1902, 1901-08-18

from the Cleveland Plain Deaier)
.ycDu1v i, ON his way to the Philippines"
'.Nc."
eyes. He heard the Fflipinys was wards OF ths
Government and he thought it fine openin' Tor
ward boss
Evening star., 1901-12-05

wishard. and the 5ocKessss Charles Thorpe.
James Morgan. Albert Sanger and William
and James .d waldo. . n
land twenty America5 horoughbreds last
summer. and they hs kuahty enough to
win a number of good 43aces. Mr. Corriga,
spoke highly Of the English turf and said
that he would return there again next sea-
son.
.T have nothing but tspraise for the Eng
lish turf" he said: "ExArything is conduct
officials ara broad-minded men, who have
only one object In Vew-honest racing. I
never had the least Strouble with any of
them. and my relattoneFith them were
was one of the few Americans who raced
in England last year ptho were not ques-
toned In regard to the running of their
horses.
five of which are English thoreaghbreds
won two valuable races-the Prince Ed
ward handicap worth 10000 with Fancy
man, and the Ascot prize. worth 81 500 All
of my winners were ridden by the Amer
lean jockeys, James and William Waldo
and Charley Thorpe.
What do you think OF the suspension OF
Lester Rieff by the stewards'' Mr.. Corrigan
was asked.
'I believe Lester Rieff is as honest as
any jockey riding in England" he replied
Il have never seen him ride even a sus-
picious-looking race.
The starting is done by the barrier with
the two and three-year-olds. 1t was a sue
cess as far as I was concerned. I intro
duced the 'no-recall' system of starting
horses in California, and am in favor
Of 1t:
the west. which I will ship early in the
spring.
Evening star., 1901-12-05

American Society Listens to Papers
and Elects Omcers.
The American Society of Mechanical En-
gineers began Its session in New York
yesterday by the reading Of three pa
pers. One OF the. ''On the Cost OF Run
ming High-Speed Trains" was discuss
ed by Professor F. r. Hutton. THE Dis
advantageous Earring OF the Coiled Spring
and the Easier Motion OF the BuIkier Leaf
Spring" was discussed by Stephen w. Bald
win. and r. +. Nickel discussed a new
decimal system Of measurements
Officers were elected a. follows:
President. term to expire In 1902 Edwin
Reynolds. Milwaukee.
Vice presidents. terms to expire In 1903
Wilfred Lewis. Philadelphia; NJ z. Cooley.
Ann Arbor, Mich, and n. F. HiEgi;
Evening star., 1901-12-05
BOWLING.

Saengerbund Players Sustain Their
First Defeat.
The bowling teams of the Washington
Saengerbund and Young Mems Christian
Association met in league contest on the
formers alleys last night. and by losing one
Of the games the Saengers met their first
defeat Of the season. For a time 1t looked
as If their unbroken chain of victories was
to be continued. for the German five easily
won the first two games, and during the
early frames of the closing game looked
good for another winning.
There was nothing unusual about the
series unless 1t be the fact that the home
team played brilliantly for two games and
then fell off to one of the low totals of the
season.
The visiting team did not put up a good
exhibition, and the heretofore fine playing
of the five was conspicuously lacking. The
association five will not cut any figure in
the championship race this season in its
present form. The three players who re-
main from last years team are giving a
good account of themselves, but the new
men have not made good. Pearson, another
new bowler in league circles was put in
last night to take Webbs place, who retired
after bowling 119 in the opening game.
But Pearson averaged only 146 for the
games in which he played, and that figure
is at least 25 pins below championship
form. The managers Of the Y. M. c. A.
and Fat Men must strengthen their teams
or the Saengerbund five viii take the pen
nant without half a struggle.
Only one player on the Saengerbund
side broke In the first frame Of the open
ing game last night. In the second only
one broke, and during these frames the
association was not bowling well, having
many breaks recorded on their slate So
with this lead for encouragement, the
Saengers drove into the pins steadily for
frp nd ho6 hn Xyicf
eclipsed. The playing of the German five
was unusually steady. the Individual
scores being well grouped
The score follows: st.,s.