davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
BEHAVING LIKE ALADy.

A little girl from an East End slum
was invited with others to a charity
West End of London. In the course of
the meal the little maiden startled her
hostess by propounding the query:
Does your husband drink
why, no. replied the astonished
lady of the house
After moments pause the minia-
ture querist proceeded with the equally
bewildering questions:
How much coal do you burn? What
is your husbands salary? Hasshe any
bad habits?"
By this time the presiding genius of
the table felt called upon to ask her
humble gues- what made her ask such
strange questions.
Well" was the innocent reply,
mother told me to behave like a lady.
and when ladies call at our house they
always ask mother those questions
Spare Moments
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
FORGOT HER PART

From the London Spare Moments: A
we1l-known countess was announced
to speak at costers' gathering in the
East End recently, so the little daugh-
ter of one of the costers-a flower SELL
er-was deputed to present the count
ess on her arrival with beautiful bou-
quet.
The evening arrived, with an enthu-
siastic audience in the hall, and pres
emily the countess was announced
The little girl, who had been coached
as to what, to say, walked along the
platform to where her ladyship stood,
and in her confusion convulsed every
one with laughter by shouting out:
Ere yer are, mum. Only a penny
bunch-market bunch fer a penny"
The countess smiled, accepted the
flowers, and the child got the penny.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
COMING TO AN UNDERSTANDING.

COMING TO AN UNDERSTANDING.
Mr.. Frank r. Stockton, the novelist.
was at a southern resort recently and
there met Baptist clergyman In the
course of their conversation the min
lister called Mr.. Stockton doctor" at
which the novelist was much annoyed.
I'm not DOCTOR" said Mr. Stock
ton
MOP" questioningly But doctor
I'm told the women of the smart set,
or so-called 400, in New York drink a
great DEAL
Il don't know" said Mr. Stockton.
But do know that I'm not doctor"
Mop" again, questioningly. But
a-doctor. I'm informed that drunken
ness is on the increase among those
ladies'
Il don't care replied the novelist.
so long as you don't call me doctor,
because I'm not one"
MOP" queried the clergyman for a
third time But 1 have been told that
when they can't get liquor they drink
their cologne, doctor"
Oh sighed Stockton, you refer.
of course, to the Colonial Danes
New York Sun.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
Want Hara Times Again.

The OHIO Democrats in their state
convention Wednesday declared for the
suppression of the protective tariff and
for a tariff for revenue only. These
words have a familiar sound to the
American people. What a tariff for
revenue means, the present generation
has not forgotten. 1t has had one ex-
perience with such a tariff 1t is q
declaration of preference for foreign
manufacturers and of war against
home industries. 1t is in effect a sur
render of the home market to for
eigners.
Six years ago this country was going
ton and industrial paralysis. Factories
were idle and hundreds of thousands
of men were out of work There were
good times abroad and a wretched con-
Gition of affairs at home. The gov
eminent itself ran short of cash and
had to sell bonds to the extent of $780,
100000 to procure money. The tariff
for revenue passed by a Democratic
congress proved a tariff for deficiency
The effect of the baneful bill was felt
in every part of the land.
The Democrats want to give the peo-
pie another dose of this same kind 1t
is like giving a well man medicine that
will make him sick. The return OF
such times as those of six years ago is
not desirable from any point of view
They were calamitous. If there is any
reason for adopting a system that will
bring about return of such times one
fails to comprehend what it is.-Gales-
burg (Ill.) Register.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
JUSTICE IN DISTRIBUTE.

From the Philadelphia North Amer
lean: A judge who had not been on
the bench long enough to have worn
Holes in it was attempting to do the
Learned Decision stunt, when a Bad
Break provoked a Laugh from an i'm
petuouS young Lawyer.
Young man. roared His Honor. ruff
fling his Judicial Ermine, you are
fined 81 for contempt of Court"
AS the Poor Unfortunate stepped ND
to The Captains Office, an Old Farmer
was observed to leave the Back Seat
and hobble into the Foreground waving
ten Dollar bill in his hand.
What brings you to the bar of this
Honorable Court interrupting the
Course of Justice?'' cried out His Hon
or with great severity, fixing his Su-
preme Court gaze upon the White
Haired Figure before him.
only trying to Settle up" was the
old fellows Cheerful Reply; same as
that young Teller yander. Reckon he
amt got any more Contempt for this
ere Court than l hev.''
Moral: Don't Crawl under the Can
vas, but pay at the Entrance
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

What the friends of tariff reform
will contiue to urge, without regard
to reciprocity treaties says the Phila-
delphia Record, lis such reduction OF
duties on imports as is obviously de-
manded by the interestssalike of Amer
lean consumers and producers The
official returns of commerce have
shown for years just what protective
duties might be reduced or wholly re-
pealed without any disturbance to
American industries" What the tariff
reformers have heretofore urged IS
that all protective duties are pernicious
and immoral and ought to be wholly
repealed without regard to the effect
on American industries. This is one
reason why the country became panic
stricken when the tariff reformers got
into power in 1893, and why the coun-
try has shown an eagerness to keer
them out of power since that time
Rochester Democrat and Chronicle
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
THE TIME TO LAUGH.
SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL AND
SELECTED.
Justice I'm Disrepute How the Judge
Fared in a Learned Decision. stunt
Humorous Anecdotes and Incl
dents.
COOP LUCK roR rHE GIRLs.

When the subject of bulldogs was
reached, the Major" took a hand, or
rather. he monopolized the conversa-
ton. The Major was Sam E. Little
of near Newburg, Ind, and he gained
his sobriquet as an Indian fighter and
frontiersman.
You can talk about your fighters
and your fierce beasts, but 1 had a
couple of genuine English bulls that
beat then. all. Why, when 1 came to
figure it down those dogs cost me a
fortune in incidentals alone. They
were SO mean that they wouldn't let
anybody come in the yard. Every time
I wanted pound of coffee, I'd have to
go after it or hire somebody on the
place to make the trip. Those dogs
wouldn't allow the grocer to come in
the neighborhood. And as for the ba-
ker and butcher, they avoided my
place as ii it was pesthouse.
But that wasn't a circumstance to
what they did to the young fellows
who came to see my girls, or, rather.
the ones that wanted to come. 1 had
five girls. They were all pretty and at
tractive, but somehow there weren't
any fellows hanging around my place
1 believe that one fellow did come once,
but one of the dogs got him as he went
over the fence on the return trip AID
he did the mantel act three times a
day for two weeks. But to see those
girls at a party or a dance you would
think from the way the fellows took on
that there wasn't another girl in the
state
"One day the two dogs got in fight
Both of them had these kind of teeth
that project over their jaws, and when
once they got hold it took thunder
to part them. Well they both got a
hold that day, and as the sky was
clear the hired hand took an ak. We
buried them together. And don't you
know that the next night there were
half dozen buggies hitched in front
OF the gate. And it kept on that way
until about six months ago, when the
last of the quintet was married. And
m thanking Providence that it didn't
thunder. louisville Courier-Journal.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

istered there has been great growth
and broad development of the coun-
try's resources, and at no time has i.
been more apparent than during tho
past four-years, with the result thai
our home market, the greatest in the
world, has been stimulated and in
creased. and, besides, we are now pos
sessed of the largest foreign trade ever
recorded in the nations life.
In my opinion it would be very IN
wise to exchange a tariff which pro-
duces sufficient revenue for the needs
of the government of another which
would create a deficiency, or ever
threaten such a result, while the pro-
tective idea embraced in the Dingley
law the product of wise statesmanship
and the strongest business sentiment
of the country has guarded the inter
ests of the manufacturer and the la
borer from the competition of the
lower paid labor of other nations.
The needs of the American merchant
marine and the improvement and de-
velopment of our rivers and harbors as
well as the necessity of considering the
question of the national development
of arid lands by more perfect system
OF irrigation, with the minor questions
which are constantly arising will en-
gage the attention of the fifty-seventh
congress to such an extent that 1 be-
lieve majority of that body will deem
it wise to allow the existing tariff
legislation to remain undisturbed, and
thereby our fellow countrymen will
have the opportunity to enjoy the ben
efts which it was intended should be
conferred by its enactment.
Very respectfully,
VIM. S. Greene,
18th Mass. Cong Dist.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
ATTRACT AUDIENCES.
British Parsons Have Some Curious Ways
of Advertising.

of Advertising.
The Rev. ]. H. Scott, rector of
Spitalfields, sent out notice which
read as follows: eff you want a smoke
(free) come next Sunday afternoon at
8 o'clock to Christ Church Hall. A
free cup of tea if you like. Tobacco
gratis" Two hundred persons re-
sponded to his invitation. To each
man was given enough tobacco for a
couple of pipes, and the gentlemen who
were to conduct the services also
lighted up After good, long
smoke the services began, and when
they were over cup of tea with bread
and marmalade was given to each ono
present. "Wery nice and sociable-like
to be sure the congregation pro-
nounced the Reverend Scott. A Meth
odfst clergyman at Barrow was taking
walk around his parish the other
day, when he saw two women hard at
work at their washtubs and a number
of men looking on and smoking. He
invited the men to come to chapel"
an invitation which they fatty and
gruffiy refused. At length one of them
salu: Say. here. mister, you do ten
minutes work at that there dolly
(washtub) and we'll come and lear
what you've got to say" In a trice
the minister threw off his coat, rolled
up his sleeves and had his arms deep
in the suds. For ten minutes he wash
ed away like a veteran laundress and
then went away, telling the men he
should expect them to keep their part
of the bargain. His congregation was
increased by half dozen the next
Sunday, and two of the men are now
regular members of his congregation.
Lord Rupert Cecil, the Marquis Of
Salisbury's son, has posted a notice
outside of Hatfield church, of which ne
is rector, saying, "Bicyclists are espe-
cially invited to come in the uniform
of their clubs" The chaplain of St
James Chapel Royal has made de-
cided hit by holding afternoon serv-
ices for people who have dressed for
dinner. One or two other clergymen
have added to the attractiveness of
their services by having Mrs. James
Brown Potter recite from the chapel
rail.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

A Democratic contemporary says
manufacturers and trust leaders like
Flint of New York have advocated ma
terial reductions of the tariff" Thir
Will remind the reader of the fact thai
Havemeyer of sugar trust notoriety at
tempted to throw the blame for the
creation of trusts on the tariff, and il
ought to suggest also that when the
men most interested in the perpetual
ton of combinations of this kind point
out means of restricting them, they are
entitled to about as much considera-
ton as would be shown to the devil ii
he undertook to enter an orthodox pull
pit to expound his views on morality
San Francisco Chronicle.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER.

Let me tell the story" pleaded the
detective THE truth is bad enough
without having it exaggerated. 1t hap
pened good many years ago, and
supposed it had been forgotten. 1 have
certainly bought enough cigars to bury
it ten foot deep. Soon after was taken
of a beat and put in plain clothes a
rather bold burglary was committed.
The dragnet was thrown out and orders
were issued to the police to arrest every
suspicious character in SIGHT. I was
young and ambitious, and it looked
like my chance. struck clew at once
and was hot on the scent when 1 sud
denly round myself in the hands of a
green cop who had joined the force
only the week before.
.Aisy, now said he, tightening his
clutch on my collar; yes come along
with me-
I'm vain did 1 tell MIN who 1 was
and show my star to prove it. All he
said was:
I'm TOO old a bur-rd to be caught
with thot kind of chaff. Me orders are
to artist all suspicious char -acters. Yez
have crime stamped on your face. Come
along, now, or OIL be after cIuhDin-
vcz-'
There was nothing to do, OF course.
but to go with him to the station. What
brand do you smoke ?"-Denroit Free
Press
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
Hates visiting Cards.

If you want to insult a visiting
countryman ask him to send up his
card to the person upon whom he de-
sires to call His antipathy to cards
must have been born of experience
with bunco steerers and gold bricks
Here is a typical denizen of the fields
and woods come to New York to see
a friend living in a big apartment
house, fifth floor. To the bellboy.
Mr.. Franklin live yere?" Yes
Tell i'm l want to see him" Give
me your card, please" Gard? Who
said anything bout card? Jes tell Mr..
Franklin I want to see i'm What
name shall 1 sag" Name? What
business you got asking me my name?
1 tell you I want to see Mr.. Franklin:
he's expectin' me and / don't want
none of your blame foolishness." The
elevator ascends and descends, the boy
returning with this message. Mr..
Franklin says what is your business:
he is very much engaged just now He
wants to know who you are" You
jes tell Mr.. Franklin he can go to -,
He invited me to eat dinner with him.
and now pretends he don't know me.
That's New York all over" He xoes
away in a hun. and It takes Franklf,1
q week to make peacc.-New York
Press.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

Fiber pipes and conduits, made from
wood pulp and treated with preserva-
tive, are now being put in use. After
the usual grinding the pulp is washed,
screened, passed through beating en-
CINE, then screened again. These
operations completed, a thin sheet of
the pulp is wound on a core until the
desired thickness is secured. After
drying the tube is aerated with a pre-
sentative. Its ends are then finished
in lathe to any desired form
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
DEEP SEA REASONING.

The mermaid who had always con-
tended with much warmth that Rear
Admiral Sampson would come out of
the controversy with flying colors, was
pressed for reason for her great con-
fdence.
why cont you see, if the worst
comes to the worst" said she, Mr.
Sampson can easily prove an alibi''
The deep-sea reasoning of a mermaid
makes all the knowledge of the an
GENTS look like driveling idiocy-New
York Marine Journal
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

The population Of Norway is about
100000 souls. 1t was 2,110,000 in
1891, with a probability that $4,000
seamen and fishermen were absent
from home on the day that the census
was taken, and that there has been a
net increase of $4,000 since. This is
an average of 1850 inhabitants to the
square mile, showing Norway to be
the most thin1y settled of all European
countries.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

One-fourth of the sea-carrying pow
er is in the hands of thirty large COM
panies of various nationalities- Only
one of these is American, and it con-
trolls only $1,000 tons out of the total
of $4,000 tons controlled by the
thirty companies. In the last decade
England has built 1888 steel steam
ers, with a capacity of 9.793, 900 tons.
In the same time America has built
only 465 steel steamers. with a ca
pacity of 1000 tons, and 19S of these
steamers, representing 100000 tons.
were for the inland commerce Of the
great lakes
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

A novel way of administering justice
and bestowing impartial punishment
on juvenile offenders was shown in a
Chicago court the other day. Two
boys were on trial for fighting, accom-
panied by their respective mothers.
The justice simply had the mothers
swap sons and then administer spank
ings. The punishment the urchins re-
ceived was vigorous.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

The United States has not yet ceased
to pay stamp duties to Great Britain,
and that without representation" in
her parliament. Revenue stamps to
the value of twenty-five thousand dol
lars were required to make legal the
ten-million-dollar deed of gift by
which Mr.. Carnegie endows the Scot
fish universities So large a stamp
duty was never before paid into the
British treasury. Yet the Patrick
Henrys and Sam Adamses of today
merely smile.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

In a London case just tried a mes
senger boy was sent to the Office of a
leading paper with an order for a
large advertisement. He did not ar
rive with it till the next day, when it
was too late. The paper sued the COM
pany for lack of quickness in their
agent and got nominal damages.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

The majority of ladies would be sur
prised if they were Informed that a
bottle of lavender water contains but
about thimbleful of pure oil, for
larger proportion would not only rem
der the water too strong for use, but
would burn holes through the hand
kerchief wherever the scent touched it.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

The chief of the Good Roads train,
which made a spring tour through the
South, declares that people will flock
to see the actual construction and OPP
Grafton OF a model road who would
never go to a convention to hear the
subject discussed by the highest au-
thorities. Acting ON this principle
that dozen of observation is worth
a gross of hearsay, firm of Scotch
publishers has sent twelve representa-
tive British workmen to the Buffalo
Exposition to inspect American ma
chinery and industrial methods, and
to form in themselves a nucleus of flu
ture progression in their various
trades.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

eff there is an idle man in the
Northwest, he is so from choice" said
the superintendent of one of the great
railroads. at the beginning of the har-
vest season. He needed two hundred
men for construction work, and had
sought them all the way from Chicago
to Vancouver. About that time press
dispatches told how tramps who GUS
tomarily wander over the west were
making a frantic exodus eastward.
This fact proves that the demand for
labor was urgent. Perhaps it proves
also that the west has begun to act
upon ST. Paul's wise command that if
any will not work, neither shall he eat
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

The dandelion produces 1900 seeds
per plant. shepherds pulse $4,000,
thistle $4,000, chamomile 10000, bur-
dock $4,000. and the common plantain
$4,000.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

Dispatches from Siberia say that
the crops, owing to the two months
drouth, are almost total loss. Meas
ures have been taken to avert famine.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

The British war Office has increased
the rates of pensions and allowances
to the widows and orphans of sol
diers killed in action or dying of
wounds in South Africa.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
Wen Qualified.

Diggs-That man Morgan ought to
make good yachtman.
Biggs-Because why?
Diggs-He has such marked ability
for raising the wind.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
LITTLE LAUGHS.
DI.provInx Experiences.

What's this, a grocery trust?
Humph, we thought the tendency of
the times in the grocery business was
cash and mo trust-''-Springield
Union.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

Atmospheric sharps say that even
at the equator the average temperature
of the sea at the depth of mile is but
four degrees above freezing point.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

The British war Office is said to be
considering the training of dogs to
carry water and provisions to sick and
wounded in time of war.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

The army worm is essentially a
grass-eating insect, though it often
feeds upon other plants, and is said to
prefer oats to corn.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

Chumpleigh-You say my cousin was
a high-strung young fel1ah?
Boozefghter Bill-Yas, 'spesh1y after
he stole that boss.
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
wnIIe's Explanation.

Willie's grandmother gave him
penny to invest in candy, and the lit
tie fellow rushed off in great glee, but
presently returned in tears. why.
what's the matter, Willie?" asked the
old lady. did you lose your cent?"
mo, grandma" sobbed Willie, 81
didn't lose it; only swallowed it,"
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
No TARIFF REVISION.
EXPRESSIONS BY MENoF NATIONAL
PROMINENCE.
Senators Warren of Wyoming and
Frifchard of North Carolina -hink 1t
the Duty of Congress to Let the
Dingley Law Entirely Alone.

Expressions by men of prominence
in national affairs and of potency in
national legislation regarding the cut
look for tariff revision in the fifty
seventh congress continue to be re-
ceived by the American Economist. In
a letter of July 10 Senator Warren Of
Wyoming authorizes the following
statement of his views:
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14
A Modern wonder.

Mod0rn WOnueHs
She's a wonder of the age,
For she is upon the stage,
And you will agree with us If her
you've seen;
For she's over forty-six,
But she manages to fix
So she looks tc be around about six
teen-
Philadelphia Bulletin
Western Kansas world. [volume] (WaKeeney, Kan.) 1885-current, 1901-09-14

Editor American Economist: 1 am
not among the humber who deem it
prudent for the fifty-seventh congress
to agitate for general revision of the
tariff legislation known as the Dingley
law. The tariff reformers and free
traders have not been inclined to re-
call to the minds of their fellow coun-
trymen the business conditions which
preceded the enactment of the. Dingley
law by urging that their theories
might have another chance to put into
practice until Congressman Babcock
q think i'll advisedly) brought the
subject to the attention of the fifty
sixth congress. and his action has nat
urally provoked discussion.
One of the earliest acts of the
American congress was the passage O.
a tariff act to protect the American
manufacturer anc laborer. Legislation
of this character has never been bur
densome to our own people. but when
ever the Law has been wisely admin