Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1901-07-25
SARCASM IN SIGNS.
ADVERTISEMENTS THAT AT TIMES
BECOME A MockERY.

"Reminiscences of Men Who Had
Seen Worse Dnys and Irritating
| Announcements When They Were
Lard Up und Out of Emp;oyment.
The advance agent met the leading
man of another show the other night,
and. as they had not seen each other in
seven years, there was II warmncss
about thc;s greeting that was refresh
ing
"Dcar old Tom" said the leading
man. Il WIS thinking of you not five
minutes ago. Sit down. you dear old
fellow passed Il bakery not five min
utcs ago. and thought of you. Why.
here's Willis. | was just saying to
| Tom that never see II bakers that
don't think of him. Tom and were
poor once! Mighty poor too. | re-
member that we had been turned out
of different homes OH the same cold
night and met each other for the first
time 10y chance. We shared the COM
forts of a butchers wagon that night
and Went upon 81 rumnaging expedi-
/ saoAa NhS AS-Nl NuS w X III lIOlL
of German bakery, half starved and
disgusted With life generally. There
was Il huge sign in the window which
said. There is No Cake Like Ours We
hadn't a penny between us, but Tom
stepped in and asked for IL sample OF
the cake. The Dutchman didn't ap-
preciate the humor of the request, SO
Tom said. You may keep your cake,
boss: but. say, give me IL chunk Of
bread, quick, or Ill cut out your giz-
Zard.' Ill never forget that cake sign
because it took us hours to get away
from the police who We're attracted to
the scene by the bakers cries for help"
But that was not my only experi-
ence with a peculiar sign," remarked
the advance agent after Il hearty laugh.
''rhe year before ! went on the road
for the first time was In rs hard luck
as ever man was. had pawned ev-
erything in sight and was almost starv-
cd. l found an umbrella In the hall
way of down town building, and tho
janitor told me to keep it. 1t was q
fairly good rain Shield, and l immedi-
ately carried it to mine uncle. didn't
know this particular relative, although
had formed the acquaintance Of hum
dreds Of his people. His place was on
Sixth avenue, and he gave me Is cents
on it, which gladly accepted. AS he
was making out the ticket he said:
do you want to save 1t from the
moths?'
Yes answered.
""That will cost you 10 cents. Per-
haps you would like to have 1t insured?
1t Is always advisable, but it will cost
you IL cents MORE replied my friend.
"'All right said. Take good care
of It, lie could have eaten it for all
cared. for l never intended to redeem
it. was about TO leave the place when
l saw big sign on the far wall. 1t
said:
"'No extra charge for putting watch
es and jewelry in the safe in the Office
watches and jewelry! 1t brought
the tears to my eyes. and Us crawled
into my 10 cent bed that night I
thought Of diamond necklaces, pearls
and rubies of priceless value and-cake.
Oh, the curse of some signs! How they
mock the poor!'
They We're all silent moment, but
the one addressed as Willis was the
first to resume conversation, and he
said:
There's my friend. Big John Smith.
Let me introduce him. Since you chaps
are talking of signs and hard luck, let
me tell you OF the time that had to
leave my trunk at the old Stevens
House. Oh lower Broadway. and light
out by the shades of midnight to get
away from a hotel bill that couldn't
pay. Everything had in the world
was locked up in that trunk. and as
could not remove anything without ex-
citing suspicion thought 1t best to
keep out of Jail by leaving everything
behind me. must have walked the
streets Mt least week furnished and
penniless. One afternoon l was pass
ing along ansup town street. hoping to
die. when happened to look up and
saw sign as big as my hopes were
small. This sign read:
1--WE Are Not Daylight Robbers.
Trunks! Trunks! From the Battery
to the Harlem Bridge to Your Room
HOF 20 NeutS.
IF that sign was not the irony OF
fate in my case. do not know what
to call It"
"Oh, that's small affair alongside
Of my experience" said Smith. "It is
only a few years ago too. had been
unemployed for several months. and as
| had six little shavers to take care OF
did not have much trouble spending the
little money had saved. | didn't seem
to have Il friend in the wide world to
turn to. and spent my last copper for
a paper to examine the employment coll
umn. 1t was about Christmas time,
and dreaded going back home to face
the scolding landlord. recall that
stopped in front Of the Harlem office
OF n newspaper to see the holiday
crowd go by. and as did so saw
sign that made my blood run cold. 1t
said:
"'There Is No Reason Why You
Should Be Idle. Insert q Want Ad.
Four Cents Line.'
1.-THE pronoun was printed in i'm
mense letters. and l had the greatest
trouble dissuading myself that it was
not intended for me. and me alone.
OF course it wasn't, but that sign burn.
ed into my memory. and have
thought Of it innumerable times SINCE"
"Oh. pshaww rejoined the leading
man after pause. II suppose 1t is inn
possible to please everybody with pub
yip eli I tn DsnHe nj