davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

exclusively to Iaugh-making is always
crowded. 1t is difficult to get standing
room, If you haven't procured your
ticket before you go. Coarse2 Granted.
FlambOyant2 Yes. Still, inspiriting
and beneficial.
Why is it Shakespeare plays are not
a success? Is it because the great
actors are dead? No. It is because
these strenuous days in which we live
are so crowded with the tragedy of ef-
fort, so replete with the nerve-rachng,
Misunderstanding strife to keep abreast
OF the mercenary spirit Of the age, that
men have no strength TO eXpend in the
comprehension of lofty dramatic
thought or expression.
It must be remembered that there
are only few scholars and educated
men in the world, and the larger pOr
ton of these are pedants or Cranks.
They do not support either churches
or theatres. These Institutions are
taken care of by the grocer, the milk
man and the plumber.
Take the case of the ordinary, every
day man who is your neighbOr. Of
course you are never the subject Of
criticism. You are not appealed to as
an example of any theory or line Of
conduct. 1t is always your neighboT
whom the shoe pinches.
Well, then, your neighbOr the under
taker, the grocer, the butcher, as il
may be, comes home at night after
laborious effort to cheat his customers
in the old traditional fashion. He is
tired, and hungry, and cross. He vents
his rI-humor on his wife Why
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

Oh, how old the jokes arei Every one
of them originated in the Sanskrit or
the Greek. Each celebrated Irish bull.
or Its derivative. which makes John
roar with commissions of mirth, can
be found in the Chinese encyclopedia
Very rarely does John hear new one,
but when he does he tells ii TO his ac-
uuaintances for DAYS aftarWard- 1t
isn't new, but John has heard it for
the first time.
And the man who cracks The joke
earns 5000 per week. THE salary of a
United States senator twice Overt Why
do they pay him this princely sum
Because John. and thousands OF men
like him, laugh when he tells Joke
older than the pyramids. But ne tells
it well. He knows when to open his
mouth. and when to make the apPrO-
pirate gestures. In fact, he is an ac-
cOmplished laugh-maker. He has made
it his life study. He is proficient in the
gospel OF mirth.
If you ask him why he tells such
aged jokes. he will tell you that appre-
citation is intimately associated with
Renaissance. that the perception Of his
hearers moves slowly, and that they
need the spice of memory to quicken
appreciation. Bless your heart, he don (
want to retail the same joke night after
night. but he must. He IS aware that
the old Joke VIII make his audience
laugh. but he isn't sure of the new one
Besides the sinister figure % the man
aver stands in the wings. He IS listen
ing for the laughter the performer pro
vokes. and in the direct ratio as the
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11
Irg looking for EEcitem mt.

Durg looking Tor Excitement
When he arrived they put him in the
Spare Bed Room. II was the first time
the Shutters had been opened since
Uncle Burton died1 There were some
Wax Flowers on the Wall also a pic
ture of Charles Wesley The Bed had
Feather Tick ana a Silk Quilt with
over 1000 Pieces ana tan. rigid Shams
that Albert had to lift off and stand
in the Corner It seemed an Outrage to
Muss Up such a Work of Art
From the Moment that Al got
brushed up, his Kin were Just as Busy
as could be, trying to Entertain him
The first thing they did to show that
he was welcome was to make him Eat.
Being a Pale Person of Bilious
Temperament and Sedentary Habits.
he was accustomed TO a Morning Re
past of a few Berries, an Egg and a
small Cup Of Coffee. mostly Milk. At
1 o'clock he would have his Luncheon.
consisting of a Lettuce Sandwich and
a Tumbler of Iced Tea. Then in the
Evening he would Dine heartily on
COnsOmme and a Sweetbread.
When he sprang the Canary Bird
Appetite on his HUSKY Cousins they
gave him the HOOpteree and told him
to eat something that would stick to
his Ribs. They were good Feeders
themselves and they told Al that if
he didn't keen up with them. they
would feel Insulted- SO for BTeaEfas
he had Steak, Ham and Eggs, WhortIe-
berry Pie. Fried Potatoes and Waf-
hes. At Noon he would be urged to
go against the acknowledged Chicken,
the Roasting Ears. Wax Beans, Pre-
serves and four kinds of Cake. Along
in the middle of the Afternoon, Cousin
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11
Modern Fables.
Inc Modern Fable of the Nephew Who Rest
What Aunt Hester Ribbed Up For Him.

He knew that Pinksburg would be
the other Extreme. During the Dog
Days the Main Street of Pinksburg is
a study ia Still Life. The deatbly still
ness IS undisturbed save by the creak
OF the Wind Pump back Of Peters Liv-
cry and Feed Stable or the occasional
Gasp Of the SOdy Fountain in Nell
waine's One-Price Drug Store. Old Mr..
Peavey, the Furniture Man, sits under
an Awning in front of his Place Of
Business, which is distinguished by
Yellow Plush and a Hot Smell OF Var
nish- Mr.. Peavey has allowed his Cal
luses to ease down over his Arms. He
is reading an Editorial in the Paper
that he has been taking ever since the
Days of Horace Greeley It says in the
Editorial that the American People are
travelling at too rapid a Gait and un-
der too much Nervous Tension. 1t ad-
vises them to take more Rest. Mr..
Peavey agrees with the Editorial. He
has been Resting since 1870.
Now and then a stOOp-shOuldered
Person is seen to move slowly through
the Heat Waves. He is on his way to
the Post Office TO get a Circular from
a House that sells a Silver-Plated Re-
volver for $1.S0.
In wanting to get out of the Hurry
Burly. Albert seemed to display tall
Judgment in selecting PinkSburg. He
knew that out there he could hear the
Birds sing and there would be no Troll
leys whizzing past. He figured that he
would get a Hammock and rig it up
in a secluded corner of the Front Yard
and lie there looking up through the
laCe-WOrk Of Foliage and reading
Funny Weekly until it put him to
Sleep.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

en- Lessons in St Louis. fought the
Piano to Finish. The Piece She
played was called The Battle OF
Prague" and those who never before
realized the Horrors of War had ft
brought right home TO them when
they heard Fetish try TO break the In
Strument
After that the Prescription Clerk in
McIlwaine's One-PriCe Drug Store
gave something by James Whitcomb
Riley. Every body in PinKsburg said
he was as good as Riley. After he got
through Albert applauded sufficiently
to show that he was Appreciative but
not enough TO induce him to give an
other Selection
Then there was the Girl who would
be on the Stage only her People
were opposed to 1T. She had played
Leah the Forsaken" FOR the Baneft
of the Republican Fife and Drum
1 Corps The only way To keep her from
Reciting was TO Chloroform her. She
let down her Back Hair and did
Mad Scene
Albert felt himself going of his Din
when the Male Quartette sang Lar
board Watch" After these ReveIs
came Ice Cream and Cake.
Next day when he pulled out they
told him to let them know a little
sooner the next time and they would
be better fixed to give him a Lively
Time. And he went back 10 the Roar
ing City to take Dyspepsia Tablets
and Rest Up
Moral: Look out for the Relatives
who are Fond of you.
Copyright, 1901, by Robert Howard Rus
seT)
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11
By Maurice Adams

apart by God for a special mission?
Speak We home 10 the heart
of England, for the covenant stands
between God and England" Now, re-
member that the covenant referred
to is that we read of in the Bible,
when the prophet speaking of Israel,
declares: You only have / known Of
all the families of the earth
Now such a patriotic" idea is not
only pagan, worthy of the tenth cen
fury B. c.. but it is sUpTemely stupid
and ridiculous. DR.. Watson may find
a congregation of Englishmen in the
city road to agree with him. but
should he venture to PROFOUND this
theory to the German kaiser I fancy
he would be told that he was entirely
in error, for it was quite evident that
the nation specially favored by God
was the great German nation, with
its divinely appointed head, to which
every knee should bow
In fact. each nation claims to De the
special favorite of God. the chosen
nation. the peculiar people. 1t is plain
they cannot al be right-it is prob
able all are wrOnB.
Copyright, 1901. by W. r. Hearst)
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

waves of laughter roll over the house,
so does his salary rise or fall, as the
case may be.
The most famous m0u1logue per-
former America ever produced owed
his success to the fact that he could
make men who earned only 81 per day
laugh by the hour. This mans genius
as a laugh-maker was undispuUed be-
cause he reached the hearts and the
diaphragns Of the common people.
There are so many wise men in the
WOrld-men with bald heads caused by
such hard thinking that their skulls
have become heated and killed the hair
fOllicles-who say that everything is
right because it isl" And We, POOR
mOrtals. who are not wise, nor learned,
nor profound, we bury our faces in the
dust. and chew gum.
But. seriously, now, are we not pay
ing a little too much attention TO an
Gent Gaelic and modern Greek, which
burst like lyddite in the mOutn2 How
many of us really have use for the
higher mathematic or trigonOmstry in
the Dawnshop or on the horse carr Let
US change the curriculum in our col
Ieges and public schools. Let us endOw
a professorship of laughter, SO that our
sons and daughters may learn to be-
come adopts in the art of being cheer
full Wen make EN- happy i'm spite of
themselves. even as the benevolent esd
gentleman, in addressing sunday
school full of little children, said
"Confound you, little children. love
one another-"-From the Literary Era.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

soned by the knockout drops they sell
here" replied the other.
Mordi, Let US on. then. We waste
time, was the answer.
AS hey proceeded on their way, Du
Clancy-who was none other than Old
Sleuth the detective-appeared 70 adj
dress his companions secret thoughts
Believe me. Claude" he said you
are unwise- She is not the only cook
There are others. Besides. the Ward
Boss dear child, the Ward Boss -
''The Boss is man 7 am another.
and hungry one. He, O'Harrigan; /,
De Hailiy."
Du Clancy laughed. why do YOU
not lay the matter before Mademoi-
selle de CauhfiOWer herself2'
All, Monsieur" replied Claude, sad
-, hos little do you know herl Gel.
do not dare address her as my po-
sitiOn admits"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

--- .ssrs was a Man who had
~ - hester. She was a fine
[[snage- around the House and
~ C.,5 soul. She did Things for
.rs whether they wanted
olnsI or not. Aunt Hester lived
them -, known as Plnksburg, be-
II 2 T,rius Pink built the first Frame
II51se there. You have to hunt On the
~ IN cutie @ while before you ind
--.-I5-b,rrg A Railroad runs right
.t--orrh Pinksburg. So do most of the
Trains. -.- - ,--.----- ,--bo
IS named Albert, and said that while
,,s Uas on his Vacation he ought 20 run
5oun and spend a week in Pinksburg
she said the crops were looking quite
psart since the Rain and the Roads
-rsra good and If he arrived in time
,bav might drive over 10 the BarthOlO-
new County Fair at Higginsville.
Albert took kindly to the Suggestion.
10 was ready for am Absolute Change.
re- wanted 10 get out where there was
n5fhfng happening and put his Feet up
an something and sit there al Day
StaeDed iu a ve9etating Silence. Pinks-
hing seemed to fIl the Bill AS he re-
rsmbered 30. the Town had more ST.
IaDce TO the Square Inch than anything
outside OF a Quaker Meeting.
He was tired of the hot binding As
nbaIt. tie endless rumbling of Cabs,
+b4 guIIeu roar of Elevated Trains, the
clarion WhOop of the Newsboy selling
The fake Extra, the garish Display on
the Bill Boards and the endless Parade
OF S0ppy individuals in Noisy Shirts
and s1.95 Panamas.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

ism which shouts. our country, right
or wrong and stops its ears to the
voice Of justice, is ignoranCe-Crass,
stupid ignorance. We hate the foreign
er because we do not know him; we
form G. picture of him in oar minds.
fUE Of hateful traits. and are not able
o. do not take the trouble TO compare
IL with the concrete original
The French are popularity depicted as
a Cespicable race. Eighty. untrustwOr-
thy, sensual, and cruel; yet when we
come to know Frenchmen individually
we ind them much like ourselves. eX-
cept that they are often brighter, clev-
ereT. and more charming
The typical American is a mean wOT-
shipper of the almighty dollar" vulgar
bCastful, INSCRIPTIONS. The American
Of our acquaintance is more often a
genuine. naive, genial, Open-hearted
man. Not less perverse are the notions
of the French or Americans about our
selves.
We pride ourselves above all things
on our blunt straightforward honesty.
To the Imagination of the Frenchmsn,
England is ia perfide Albion"
We think the leading characteristic
of the American is vulgar self-asser-
ton and brag. In the American ma
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

tional song, Yankee Doodle, we learn
how
The foe went down to New Orleans,
With British boast and buster"
In a recent review article by NJ. A.
Breal we find the root of this false
patriotism described in a few striking
words. Speaking of the French, We
shall find" he says, lin all classes OF
the nation, with regard to the neigh
bors across the water, an ignorance
Astounding in ready-made statements,
always prepared TO pronounce judg-
ment rather than to think. The
Frenchman's ignorance of the English
can only be compared Tstth the Eng
lishman's ignorance of the French"
In the same article N. Breal shows
how this absolute ignorance becomes
hatred
IN the eyes OF the Breton peasants
and fishermen the Englishman is the
enemy with whom they have fought
battles and viii have TO fight again,
but no one thinks Of him as
man. The enemy is a unit of war,
something outside ordinary life, a be-
ing in uniform. whom it is glorious to
xiii He is the enemy, something that
viii do great mischief TO France if we
do not take care, something which
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

Anything more pagan and anti
Christian than this verse it would be
hard to ind. Note that the Lord is
our God. our national tutelary deity,
whose office it is to protect England
and scatter her enemies. the other
nations Of the earth. They are to be
COMPOUNDED and made to fall in favor
of. Gods England" the divinely IA
fored land Of the whole world.
That this is not mere rhetoric, but
is an idea which really rules the minds
of large numbers Of our countrymen
of ali classes. will be evident to any
one who viii keep his eyes and ears
omen to what goes on around him. A
day OF two ago I overheard a work
ingman discuss the war with another
man and his wife, who were staunch
patriots After a little argument,
the woman said: "Ah. you know were
sure to come out all right. Why. It
saws in the Bible that God viii take
care of England and never let her be
defea tedt"
DR.. Watson. in his address to the
WesIeyans. exclaimed: why should
we not recognize in our England the
modern Israel, called of God and set
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

should invariably translate in the fol-
lowing manner. Hitherto we have
only committed the ordinary little fol-
lies Of love. but now let us consum-
mate them by grand stroke I have
so perfect a regard for you that 1
make use Of all the advantage your
love gives me over you 70 persuade
you to take refuge IN my arms from
parents who cherish, adore you, and
whose lives it is necessary to my hap
rriness voa should embitter forever
Cor. Derhaps). from husband who
loves you really and truly. but who
is cruel and tyranBical enough TO want
to have you ali 10 himself and whom
YOU are going 70 OverWhelm with
shame and sorrow, whist my passion
lasts, and il viii last as iong-as Is
can I will stand you in the stead
of all you lose for my sake. When 1
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

am heartily tired Of you I shall arm
myself with frmness to part with you
You may cry, complain, reprOach.
storm even. all VIII be in vain. all win
only make matters worse. You may
then 90 back to your parents If they
are enough fond of you to receive you.
or to your husband, if he is silly and
enough forgiving to take you back If
both refuse. the world is large enough
to enable you to wander about. The
home is the temple of woman A man
is an unspeakable coward who takes
a woman away from a home and has
not a better one to offer to her, and
he viii be. as long as the law allows
him to do It with impunity- When the
law is altered he viii be on more equal
terms with the woman. He will gun
his risks and have to take his chance.
'.you are the only woman have
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

ever truly loved 81 shall never be
able to love anyone but you, Tor you
are the life Of my life the bone Of
my bone. the very thou of my thou.
are so many sentences, natural, COM
ing straight from the heart. without
any effort. which the woman in love
considers as being absolutely cree from
exaEgeTation and as the expression Of
sincere and intense passion and II
would not enter her head that theg
could possibly have been whispered
before into scores Of women's ears
Oh dear no neyerl
All this phraseoI0gy is not only the
stock used by silly people making love
but BY the cIeVerest ones. The late
Du Maurier, Of Punch and Irllby
fame. once drew the picture Of a
fashionable drawing room. In one cor
ner, far away. A young poet Of renown
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

is sitting by the side of a clever young
Girtcn college girl TO whom he is en-
gagged. Two young girls are chatting
IN the foreground. II wonder says
one to the other, hoy two such cler-
er people make love and what they
are saying 10 each Other." On Maurier
adds what they are saying to each
other
He. IF Dewey should die, what
would LOVey do2"
She -LOvey would die, too
All this stereotyped love phraseOlogy
has done duty ever since man and
woman were created. and by the use
of it man has ever taken in woman.
Ladies, beware of as this nu3senses
beware of the fine oratorical lover.
The man who loves best is the man
who proves 1t best and expresses Il
Wo-st.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

Ieve that she risks no more than he
does
IT would rather see you dead than
belonging to another" does duty for
Il believe in homeopathy for love
complaints. Like cures the like If
YOU belonged to another, / myself
should have to love another.
I offer you my heart" is more
poetic and tender phrase than II OF
fer Won nv purse but it does not ex-
press so much sincerity.
man has never more his senses
about him than when a woman says
80 him. Are you mad
When a woman says to a man,
Leave me. pray leave me, the bells
are tolling the knell of her virtue
.-,7shere IS nothing left for as to do
but run away together. IS phrase
often used BY men, and which women
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11
THE HOUSE OF DU HALLY By
Bapn mnrws eLphup 1haq Novel 1.-The Hm

had taken down the curl papers that
earlier in the day had fringed her noble
brow. She was clad in a 39-cent near
silk waist. and her manners had &C
ouired the frigid hauteur of a saleslady
in a department store. At sight OF
claude she uttered a suppressed shrek.
"Cielr" she exclaimed What brings
you here?"
Mon Dieu," cried Claude, falling at
her feet. Il am banished to Harlem,
and I cannot go without you 1 starve.
persist Fly with me. Share my
exilet Cook my dinners for me, and
the devotion of a whole life
Arise, rash youth cried Marie An
ME de Caulifower. For a moment her
better nature struggled for the ascend
ancy. and a tear of womaniy pity Tor
one forced to board in Ha5lem yelled
in her eyes; then she murmured
hoarseIy: There are no tips in do
nestle service Col" and Claude de
HaiIIy staggered from the room.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11
By Dorothy Dix

Chapter V.
six months had fed by. Suddenly
Claude de Hailly appeared once more
in his old haunts, fat, sleek, well fed
and contented looking
''Ah. my Claude. inquired the Ward
Boss. "and was your little sOjourn in
Harlem successfuI2 Did you acquire
COOKE"
.'Mais. oui.a replied Claude. a cor
don bleu,"
Nom de Dieu," murmured the Boss
to himself, but ] viii hire this para
gon away from him. I am tired Of
Marie Annie de CaulifoWer's soups,
anyway"
Your majesty" remarked Claude.
"buf I took the precaution to marry
this one. it is the only way to keep q
cook, heinz"
CThe Enid
Copyright. 1901, by ~. r. Hearst)
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11
CHAPTER 7.

Chapter I.
WAS the evening Of Jan. 10. 1901.
by o'clock the darkness Of night
3 had settled over the city. and a
-ain began TO fan that made the
streets wet and slippery. -be opI,,
lsh' visible shone from the windows Of
-. =, ...,'' siist had the pullor-in been
No. - ne would have seen two men
lslse irresolutely in front Of tba -
49,. Is iale' Dn CLANCY, ana we have
bs.1 Z 0. .l sun TO 90. Moreover. I
@ thirst on nee "a mile long and
= l5y as the desert Of Sahara. SIN
In me worst dope shop in the Tenser
,s,..ttli thou wouldsf take no char.
eI- my Claude Lein2"
g., ~, ga prefer drowning or a STAND
@' ia a surface car to beine ~.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

Note-Mr. Adams is an Englishman
and where he uses the pronoun Eve"
refers to the English.
IA ATRIOTISM is q virtue when it
lifts us above selfshness, above
a narrow absorption in the in
terests of our family; when it
ulites us, not only with ou- friends.
but with those who are Indifferent to
us. nay, even with our personal enc
mics, in Devotion to the common good
of our country.
SUI when 1t leads us 10 hate foreign
~ 10 nourish blind prejudice
asaInst other countries: to rejoice in
go on injustice TO other nations, TO
L.oE upon other peoples as enemies: to
C1S.le 20 deprive them Of land. wealth.
,3,, 55-seqon; 10 applaud and support a
So -t-',--'l poHcy Of greed and grab. in
-g'~ "hen lt narrous our interests
- oli sympathies. fills us with stu
@-LP .lts: hatred. anC contempt for
ans -... LIONS, when it makes our love
So our devotion exclusive and not in
- 49,, - ther &c does these things. IA
---I.lSili becomes a vice.
deepest root of this false patriot
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1901-08-11

do not capitulate soon. I must raise
the siege
IT viii never change" is often used
instead of Il like to pass my time
agreeably TO matter az whose eX-
pense, and, as I md this disposition
convenient 1 shall probably never
change it,
IT wish could love you" IN the
moutF< OF woman means i actually
40 love you And SO does I wish i
could hate YOU
on syiil make me lose my reason -
There rs maxim IN love that nc one
IS thorough lover who is in the full
possession of his mental faculties So,
the phrase means. Il have renowned
my reason for the love of YOU and !
hope 70 bring you 10 renOunee yours
for the love o M And the clever
fellow wants TO make the woman be-