davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
TWO KNIGHTS,

It was evident in his sWagg0L W.
he was a scion~of the British aL''"
oraoy, and the most casual oOS7I, y,
could not have failed to note tn"' ~ =
was a stranger to the CITY, -
touched a we'll dressed, a1o o.,
haired young man who was w.. :,
in front of a Broadway no'0'
the shoulder. h.,
"'Pardon me, me dear man, w. y5
could [ trouble you for d Ila' II
After lighting his cigar he continue ~
"Bah Jove, this is a remarH0O'v
This is me first visit to New l",
dye know? I'm a deuced s'I'1o #
but on the other side I'm Il person ~ =
importance. 1 am Sir Francs D he
Knight of the Garter, knight o. o. 81, H.
Bath, Knight of the Double r hasf
Knight of the Golden Fleece hI r1i1s
Of the Iron Cross. Dye mind d ts-7D'
me your name, me dear man hair. d
Replied he of the auburn D
a deep, rich brOgue ,Tnrpbr
Me name is Michael so d" tbs5
night before last, night 0eLoILbissej
last night, to night, and every INeF
night = Michael Murphy
York Evening Sun.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
IMPLICIT OBEDIENCE.

Among other good stories Cyrus
Townsend Brady tells the following
in his "Under Tops'ls and Tents"
published by Scribners:
It is told that a large number of
cadets we're negligent in following
the service in the chapel, which was
after the ritual of the Episcopal
Church. An incautious officer in
charge On Sunday morning made the
Church party a little address on the
subject, saying he supposed that
some of them erred through igno-
rance, but If they would observe him
carefully and do as he did Gin mill
tary p~arlance, follow the motions of
the commanding o~ficer) they would
not go wrong.
Word was quietly passed through
the battalion. They marched into
the church. The officer in charge
took his place in the front pew, set
thing himself in his seat, and calmly
blew his nose. Three hundred noses
we're simultaneously blown with a
vehemenoe that was startling The
officer looked around and blushed
violently in great surprise. Three
hundred heads followed the mo-
tions of the commanding officer"
Six hundred cheeks violently en-
deavored to blush-a hard thing for
a mldshipman to do-and so on
through the service.
The man could not stir without in
slant imitation. He finally confined
himself strictly to the prescribed
ritual of the service, looking neither
to the right nor to the left, not dar.
ing to raise a finger or breathe out
of the ordinary course. This enter
prise was also a very startling sue
cess.
The cadets received other instruc-
tions later in the day from a furious
officer who sternly resented their
innocent statements that they did
not know which was ritual and which
was not, and that he had not instruc
ted them that blowing his nose stood
on a different plane from saying his
prayers. It was a huge Joke every
where.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
..Mason and Dixon's line is the

..Mason and Dixon's line is the
equator"
ssIn Australia the principal occu.
patton is gathering Austrioh feath-
ers."
"Climate lasts all the time and the
weather only a few days"
"The two most famous volcanoes
of Europe are Sodom and Gomorrah."
"Queen Isabella of Spain sold her
watch, chain and other millinery SO
that Columbus could discover Amer
ica."
"Washington died in Spain almost
broken hearted. His remains we're
taken to the cathedral in Havana"
"Gorilla warfare was when men
rode on gorillas."
Henry Eight was famous for be-
ing a great widower, having lost
several wives"
"By the Salic law no woman or the
descendant of a woman could occupy
U40 bnIOuOS
abraham Lincoln was born in
Wales in 1899"
"Ben johnson survived Shake
speare in some respects"
Shakespeare translated the Scrip
lures and it was called st. James be-
cause he did it,"
"George Eliot left a wife and chill
dren who mourn greatly for his
genius"
GA sort of sadness kind of shone
in Bryant's poems"
"Pysilloggy is study about your
bones, stummick and vertebry."
owe have an upper and lower skin.
The lower skin moves all the time
and the upper skin moves when we
do"
1.-THE body is mostly composed of
water and one-half is avaracious It's
sue."
"The gastric juice keeps the bones
from creaking."
"The growth of a tooth begins in
the back of the mouth and extends
to the stomach"
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
" QUEER ANSWERS"
Mark Twain Writes a Book on English as
She Ts'-Some Illustrations.

Mark Twain Writes a Book on English as
She Is"-some Illustrations.
At this season, when the land is
full of pers ms who are trying to
obtain positions as teachers, the
Mutual Book Company, of Boston, is
to be congratulated upon the publ
cation of a little pamphlet entitled,
English AS She is Taught" by
Mark Twain. The book is a compila.
ton of English as it is taught in the
public schools and is devoted mainly
to giving answers of pupils to exam
ination questions. Some of the
laughable sentences r.
"The superoilious girl acted with
vicissitude when the perennial time
came"
eve should endeavor to avoid ex-
tremes-like those of wasps and
BEES"
"There are a good many donkeys
in theological gardens"
''SOme of the best fossils are found
in the theological cal inets."
every sentence and the name of
God must begin with a caterpillar"
"To find the number of square feet
in a room you multiply the room bv
the number of feet. The product is
the result"
"The principal products of the
the United States is earthquakes and
volcanoes"
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23

y . @SD SO4ANS "4pAO00 5OA4SOy 44OL4
talent without love and from
creeds without humanity,
Good Lord, deliver me.
10. From a spinner of fine phrases,
a spinner of senseless rhymes,
and a woman who paints,
Good Lord, deliver me.
IL. From eyes that see only what
they wish TO see, from fingers
that itch TO put the buttons into
other peoples buttonholes, and
from feet that love to tramp on
other peoples toes,
Good Lord, deliver me.
u. From wits that deluge the table
with puns, from square pates
that cannot understand a joke,
and from sour souls that will not
admit them,
Good Lord, deliver me.
Is. From the three infallibles, the
Roman pope, the editor of a party
newspaper, and Il woman when
she is in the wrong,
Good Lord, deliver me.
IA. From a man that ~refrains from
talking in order to appear wise,
from a man that talks much in
order to display his wisdom, and
from a man who talks fuently
without any wisdom to display,
Good Lord, deliver me.
Is. From a big man with a brain as
soft as butter, from a little man
with tongue like a mill clapper,
and from a woman who talks of
connotations and syllogisms,
Good Lord, deliver me.
Is. From a man without brains,
from a woman without religion,
and from a poet without sense,
Good Lord, deliver me.
II. From a fair face with an un-
meaning smile, from the lips that
curl into scOrn, and from know
ing looks in a smart young man,
Good Lord, deliver me.
Is. From three tyrants, from Gus
tom that murders conscience,
from fashion that strangles ma
ture, and from priests that steal
Jove's thunder,
Good Lord, deliver me.
10. From three Alterations, the af-
fectation of learning, which we
call pedantry, the affectation of
gentility, which we call vul-
garity, and the affectation of
religion, which we call hypocrisy,
Good Lord, deliver me.
20. From three kinds of weather,
from a Scotch spring that smells
like winter, from an Egvp-
tian summer that glows like a
furnace, and from a rainy dav in
Skye,
Good Lord, deliver me.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
DIALECT pH1Loso~,~

Capt. Bason nomosir9, .
vantage. 80 O'ss It 70 a. W
F. Bason found an i"s q .o,' Capt. Gen.,
and pasted it in the f1, clipped.
Code. This was When I19 back ss a i
eos%o county. He men me- LIVED
poem which came from os'd d
believes and was Written 9'o's@
one whom he has foraot sSp By ao,
has thought on the vS s9Sssn 'q&
that he has made them > son, 80 po&
a philosophy Of life. Po orDS '@ta
when he sees an ostentat .%a'daA
v1dual who is o5trusiva nr;, Id
airs the captain quotes "''u Potq
"You kin notch it m
mighty risky pI8n pa0o' ~
10 make yer Judgment BY IL.
Case I hardly need + ta n4 m,
you often come across cptr !oobp
A hfty-dollar saddle on a .
lar boss" loFtyid.
Or, to express the same j.,
different verbiage, he will saw 2r''
"And workin' in the low oro..,
discover as you grow 9lOuaa M
Dat de fines shuck NAV kir..
meanest nubbin' in de I ros D
When he would make .
natured fling at the long.faos5 sN
who is open to a charge Of drs, ID I@
tence, Capt. Bason is ready with 'D'
Il think a man has a sorry ot.,,
fer heaven, 'UaaS
Who holds on to his ligion mi,
day in seben. 'D! oa
Who's foremos' in de meath,
de raisin' of de tunes, aug
But lays aside his 'ligion with |,
Sunday pantalo0ns- U'
Who talks 'boutde sinner wild , h..
Of solemn chat "s
But never puts a nickel in ID ~,
sionary hat"
The song is a cry against The mi,
takes of the impressionist, and sai,
the captain, in contemplati7e nd
is ready to mock at vanity and d
ception with
81 never judge de people what nssp
along de way,
By de houses whar dey come f,~
or de places whar dey STAY,
Case de bantam chicken is povf,
fond of roostin' mighty hgi
de turkey buzzard sails sbS7
de eagle in de sky"
For quoth the philosopher
catch de Titles fishes a6
middle of de sea
And finds de smalles' 'possum pA
very bigges' tree"
Charlotte Obserw
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
The Home Circle.
THE BOWL OF ALBEMARLE.
An Independence Day Legend.

As, one by one, my lady spilled
The blossoms great and small
Till empty in her hand she held
The bowl of Albemarlel
The bowl, the bowl of Albemarle,
She turned it in the air,
And here a rose and there a rose
She spilled upon her hair.
A prophet'sfi fire then stirred her blood,
And on the cup ono more
Gazing with flashing eyes, she stood
Then smiling in defiant mood
She dashed it on the floor
The startled guard advance apaCe,
But stood my lady there,
The patriot triumph in her face,
The roses in her hair.
o Lady Ashe, my Lady Ashe,
All silent in the hall,
Thy cheeks are red, the patriots
white,
And Tarleton's ashen in the light
Speak, Dame of Albemarle
"My gallant general, hear |" she said,
"We've heard your merry boast,
The Carolinian coast,
And that from our old cup should be
Your wine of victory spilled
Ny oourtly general, thou art weighed,
For there's n promise thou hast
made,
That on the land or on the sea,
Can never be fulfilled !"
In voiceless hall, mid staring men,
Still stood my lady there,
The patriot glory in her face,
The roses in her hair.
The broken bowl of Albemarle
Life teaches life, and he
Whose will from self itself has freed,
A thousand wills may free
o Lady Ashe, my Lady Ashe,
Who heard proud Tarleton boast,
It is the Rose of Albemarle
The gallant riders toast
Who woke in dawns Of dewy morns
And followed golden peals of horns
Down Carolina's coast,
And Freedoms newborn banners set
On every planters house they met!
U~tterWOrth, IN Youths Companion.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
RESPECTFULLY REFERRED.

AS the Green Bag has it, Chief
Justice Marshall used to narrate
with great glee the following cor
respondence On a point of honor be-
tween Governor Giles of Virginia
and Patrick Henry:
"Sir," wrote the governor, al un-
derstand that you have called me 4
bobtail politician. 1 wish to know
if it be true, and if true, your mean.
ing. "W. R. GILES"
Patrick Henry's reply came
promptly
"Sir, 1 do not recollect calling YOU
a bobtail politician at any time, but
think it probable that l have. I
can't say what I did mean but if
you will tell me what you think I
meant, [ will say whether you are
correct or not.
every respectfully,
"PATRICK HENRY"
This was leaving it to Giles with a
vengeance but as there was no
further correspondence, the Gov
ernor of Virginia mnst have read
satisfaction somewhere between the
lines of Patrick Henry's brilliantly
equivocal reply.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
BLACKIE'S LITANY.

A lew weeks ago Inc progressive
Farmer printed some selections from
the day-book of the late John Stuart
Blackie, the Scotch educator, philos-
opher and genial cynic. We now
find the Litany published in full in
the st. Louis Mirror with the fol-
lowing comment by the editor:
There have been so many re-
quests for the Litary that the editor
is glad to reproduce the prayer more
fully. The production is a remark,
able exposition of contemporaneous
Scotch religious character, of a deep
humor, of a fine critical sense and of
a broad charity. 1t is a gem to file
away in ones scrap-book. 1t is des-
tined to immo1t ality if anything
of the last decade be so destined.
You'll find in it something of Car
lyle, DIR. Samuel Johnson, Robert
Louis Stevenson, Jowett, Bagehot.
Within a decade it will be the most
widely quoted of all modern philoso-
phies."
The Litany in full follows:
1. From denying the God who Gre
ated me, from cursing the Christ
that died for me, and from fout-
ing the Holy Spirit that breathes
upon me,
Good Lord, deliver me,
2. From the Conceit of knowledge
that knows no reverence, from the
enviOus. egotism that knows no
love, and from the fear of man
that lanes all manhood,
Good Lord, deliver me.
B. From the presumption of OrthO-
dOx theology to define God in
scholastic terms, from the degrad-
ing superstition that worships
God with blind ends and the mega
alive self,
Good Lord, deliver me.
4. From beggars for my clients, from
fools for my worshipers, and
from shuts for my servants,
Good Lord, deliver me.
5. From the impertinence of youth
full critics, from the vanity of
small poets, and from the unrea-
sOned giggle of silly young ladies,
Good Lord, deliver me.
6. From the barren subtlety of law
yers, from the stiffness of poll
ticians, and from the blind rest
lessness or calculated selfishness
of commercial spectators,
Good Lord, deliver me.
z. From a man that shippers sweetly,
from wOman that laughs loudly,
and from a young woman ambi-
tious to play the man,
Good Lord, deliver me.
8. From a scholar who smells of
books, from a sportsman who
smells of horses, and a mother
who smells of babies,
Good Lord, deliver me
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23

Twas Lady Ashe of Albemarle e.
She heard bold Tarleton boast
That he the British flag would set
On every planters house he met
On Carolina's coast
That, when the Carolinas fell,
He would return, and quaf
His victory in the honored hall
Where met the patriots, and call
On Lady Ashe of Albemarle
To bring her family beaker out;
The cavaliers should cheer and shout,
'Twould make old England laugh
o Lady Ashe, o Lady Ashe,
What wilt thoudo, where wilt thou be
When oourtly Tarleton asks of thee
The bowl of Albemarle?
Twas in the hall of Albemarle;
The feast was spread-they set
The empty goblets on the board
Where erst the patriots met.
The fire upon the oak walls cleaned,
And on the men looked down
From green festoons of mistletOe
With berries white as winters snow,
The flag of England's crown.
Then Tarleton called on Lady Ashe
To bring him in the hall
4uo SODAOb VI AOA 4dL4AAJ p44NOJ
The goblet ancient wines had dyed,
The bowl of Albemarle.
o Lady Ashe, what wilt thou do?
A patriots daughter should be true
Their flags T red, and thine is blue,
Ny Dame of Albemarle!
The legend old of Albemarle
The oaken door swung wide,
And Lady Ashe came to the board,
And Tarleton stood beside.
She raised the bowl above her head
Twas filed with roses. Then
SIT matches we'll the red flag !" said
Gay Tarleton to his men.
The roses DER the astrals burned,
And fragrant gew the air,
As slowly she the goblet turned
Above her shining hair.
Flower after flower, the roses red
She dropped upon her stately head.
Their beauty charmed, their perfume
filed
The high colonial hall
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23

And such a list always raises the
question whether the educated youth
of the United States will ever again
feel it a duty to read such a list of
authors (and to read them alb as a
matter of poUer and culture, and
whether any larger number of Amer
lean men and women do habitually
read them.-June Worlds Work.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23

an extravagsnt, snowy, eques-
trian wife that ruins her hus-
band by milliners' and diapers
bills; from an ambitious wife
that makes her husband ridicu-
lous by pushing him into situa-
tions for which he is not fitted,
and from a fond and motherly
wife who is forward to nurse
and prescribe for her husband
like a sick baby,
Good Lord, deliver me.
%. From an idle son that hangs on
his mothers skirts, from a dash
ing daughter who marries a pen
niless fool, and from an old family
servant who controls my life,
Good Lord, deliver me.
%. From a Highlander who is fluent
on Celtic etymology, from a
young metaphysician, fresh from
Germany, expounding Hegel's
philosophy, and from a Scotch
man who draws his theology di-
rect from the Shorter C~atechism,
Good Lord, deliver me.
"a. From a Tory without sense, a
Liberal without sentiment, and a
Radical without reverence,
Good Lord, deliver me.
25. From three great bats of the
devil, pleasure, which sacrifices
permanent enjoyment for the
lust of the moment money,
which measures a man not by
what he is, but by what he has
and from power, which dethrOnes
love and enthrones selishness as
the bond of social unity,
Good Lord, deliver me.
26. From an idle woman who fills up
the emptiness of her life by fuss
ing about other people, a vain
woman whose grand business in
life is to parade her charms, and
from a V woman who Gre
ates real T by cOntemplat-
ing imaginary dangers,
Good Lord, deliver me
81. From the black devil, if there be
one from blue devils, of whom
there are many and from the
devil that took King David, in
the shape of another mans wife,
Good Lord, deliver me.
%. From a fair woman when she
weeps, and from a false woman
when she smiles, and from a
clever woman when she talks,
Good Lord, deliver me.
20. From prejudice that blinds the
the truth, from sophistry that
juggles with truth, and from fac
tiOns that poison truth,
Good Lord, deliver me.
30. From the s%ensibility that shrinks
from everything, from the sto-
lidity that is pleased with any
thing, and from the apathy that
is touched by nothing,
Good Lord, deliver me.
81. From the easy charity that Gov
ers all faults, from the hasty
hatred that magnifies all faults,
and from the intellectual despot-
ism that bears down all contra
dictiOns,
Good Lord, deliver me.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23

We are not, nor have we ever been
a school teacher-and we may add
that we hope we never will be-but
it strikes a man on the outside of
the school room that our teachers
ought to take great pains to correct
the slang and mutilated English so
many children learn at home, on the
streets and in the highways and
hedges. A child from six to ten
years OF age may be taught to speak
with reasonable correctness, and
while he may fall back into his for
mer crippled speech, much of what
he learns will stick to him through
life. It is too late to reform a boy
or girl fifteen years of age. Teach
ers must show children the error of
their way if they ever see the error
at all-especially children whose
parents are Internationally and
Children.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
FOR NEWS.

As an Indication that the dull S.
son is upon those engaged in the pub
fishing business, as well as upon
those whose business it is to procu8
the elusive advertising contract, The
following notice, clipped from an ez'
change, is given. The pubishar,
however, takes the course pursued
by all wise advertisers and practices
what he breaches by advertising II
the dull season:
"News, news, news. It's enough
to give a man the blues, Nobody
married and nobody dead and No.
body broken an arm or a head
nobody come in to talk of the crap
no one got booty and started a scrap
no one got run in for taking a morn
nobody buried and nobody Oo'n.
Oh! for a racket, Il riot, a fuss
Some one to come in and kick uP'
muss ; some one to stir up the peace
laden air somebody's comment v
give US a care. Somebody thuIlgs'
within an inch of his life SOMEBODY
run off with another mans "N'
some one come in to pay up his auSs
anything, anything, just 50 "
news"
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23

OA44S@ "S@SAO0
Addison, Hschylus,
Hsop, A Kempis,
Antoninus, Arabian Nights,
Ariosto, Aristophanes,
Aristotle, Arnold, Matthew,
Bacon, Bible, The
Boswell, Browning (Mrs.),
Browning (Robert) Bunyan,
Burke, Burns,
Byron, Caesar,
Calderon, Camoens,
Carlyle, C~ervantes,
Chanson de Roland, Chaucer,
Cicero, Coleridge,
Corneille, Dante,
De Foe, Demosthenes,
De Quincy, Dickens,
DRYDEN, Dumas,
Eliot (George), Emerson,
Epictetus, Erasmus,
Euripides, Federalist, The
Fielding, Franklin,
Froissart, Gibbon,
Goethe, Goldsmith,
Gray, Hawthorne,
Heine, Herodotus,
Homer, Horace,
Hugo, Johnson,
Jonson, Junius,
Keats, La FOntaine,
Lamb, Landor,
LIE Sage, Leasing,
Lowell, Macaulay,
Machiavelli, Mahabharata,
Mallory, Milton,
Moliere, Montaigne,
More, Nibelungen1ied,
Omar Khayyam, Ovid,
Petraroh, Plato,
Piutarch, Polo (Marco),
Pope, Racine,
Ramayana, The SapphO,
Schiller, Scott,
Shakespeare, Shelley,
Sidney, Sophocles,
The Spenser,
Tacitus,
TassO, TennysOn,
Theocritus,
Thucydides, Virgil,
Walton, Wordsworth,
Xenophon.
The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1901-07-23
AN EXERCISE IN sELF-ABAsEMENT.

The making of lists of the hum
bred best authors has long been an
industry of the editors of the profess
sional literary journal. It is an IN
dustry that makes men who read
good books sad-sad with Wonder
whether the youngest generation
that has reached manhood reads half
of them. If the truth could be found
out it would be the most interest
ing piece of literary news that has
been published for many a day.
One of the latest of such lists (and
as good a one as any has been given
out by Mr.. Foster, the librarian OF
the Province Public Library. They
are the writers a part at least OF
whose books are placed in the room
in the library that is set apart for
ssthe literature of power" An in
tcresting exercise in establishment
can be got by going over such a list
and counting the authOrse whose
chief writings you have never read.
Waterbury Democrat., 1901-02-26
The Land of Dreams

Away from the City of Sorrow and Hate, In a vision of glory il gleams, 1nd scourged by the rod of the malice of
 Faue, The world-weary toiler may enter it's gate The beautiful Land of Dreams; And serene in the sight of the Sun-lttten
 goal, hnow the raptures of Aidenn, thrice blest
 in his soul. And there fee for refuge the kings of the
 earth
 With the throng of the conquered 1t
 teems unmarred by the pride and the envy of
 birth. The triumph of wrong and the scorning of
 worth,
 The beautiful Land of Dreams. And the sweet sound of music is soft in
 the air; Lo! each pilgrim becomes what he hoped
 in his prayer. Oh, land of my longing; so may I indeed Be restored in the glow of thy beams; So may l, when thra!led in the stress of my
 need, Be led from the bondage of spirit and
 freed
 My beautiful Land of Dreams. Aye, when passion and fancy alike have
 their cease, May l find the abode of an infinite peace. -Nash1nSton Evening Star.