Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1901-03-03

An eastern paper says tnat an 3rizon2
editor whe was in Chicago this winter
blew out the gas and was almost a goner
when his room was broken into. 1t wasn't
us, We always light out way with a tai
low candle when in Chicago.
In trying to shoot a jack rabbit in the
suburbs of the town yesterday, James
Daily killed and had to pay for a sT5
mule belonging TO Captain Childers. Ii
Mr.. Daily had carried out the threat he
once made of shooting us on sight. We
wonder how many innocent citizens would
have gone down before his fusilade.
The attempt to introduce blue bordered
napkins into high society In this town has
been a miserable failure. as it deserved
to be. Good old red stripes are good
enough for anybody, and they give society
the drmness of a rock foundation.
There hasn't been a case OF divorce I'm
our local courts in the last two years.
and the prospects OF the future are
gloomy. When one of the parties is dis
satisfied. he or she walks of and isn't
heard Of again. and that seems to solve
the question. No use of bothering the
courts unless you have to-.
Old Major Harrington came into The
Kicker office the other day 10 ask why
America hadn't gone ahead and licked
China out of her boots. We started In
to explain matters as best we could, but
he got impatient and fired three bullets
at us and left The major was never a
hand to understand craftsmanship.
There was n rumor around town tho
other day hat Dave Sullivan, the ex-stags
driver, had been devoured by n noun
tain lion In the Red Tree hills. AS Dave
isn't TO be found at any of his haunts.
the story may he true, but Wen bet the
lion passed n bad hour after his meal.
Dave is about tho toughest thing We
know of In Arizona, and the wolves and
bears nave studiously avoided him.
We do not receive rattlesnakes at the
postoffice as mail matter even when they
are i'm a torpid state and stings tied
around their tails to handle them by. II
our people will remember this, IL will
save disappointment. We are willing TO
oblige, even to rattlesnakes. but the pos
tai laws must be observed.
Last week we were one OF the committee
of four that sought to raise SIS. 600 to give
the town waterworks The total sum
subscribed in the entire week was $50.
and. as OF ourself, wen be hanged II we
waste any more wind over tho matter.
IL a citizen wants TO lie down on his
stomach and collect microbes from Toma-
hawk creek. let him go ahead and i'm
bibe.
II the critter who fired a bullet into
the postofice window Tuesday evening
as we lay dreaming on our cot viii call
again, we will try to make things pleasant
for him. His bullet missed our head by
only an inch. which was pretty fair for
a random shot. We got tangled up in
with a limp to-day.
Our esteemed contemporary denies that
he was ever in Jail IN indian for stealing
a cow. OF course not. A man who steals
a COW and drives her off las got 10 hustle
around and have common sense enough 10
dodge the mudholes. and thistle patches
along the highway. Who could have
HbaTAcn ABCH Il b4Ati1sS TuIlyf
His Honor the mayor Cwho Is ourEelD
was obliged to throw Jim Carve down
stairs In The city hall the other day
and break his leg. jim had got TOO
fresh and was playing the part OF mayor
and sitting with his feet all over our
official desk. we don't like to 20 back
on any Of the boys. but we hava a certain
official dignity to maintain.
Three nights ago as we were return
ing at a late hour from Mrs. Judge
Gilder's soiree we feil OYER a hog lying
on the sidewalk and landed on our
head and remained In a dozed condition
for ten minutes. II this were a twentieth
century community. We should ask. Can
such things be2' as Il is not. We warn
all hog owners that we shall open IRE
on the next porksr which lies in ambush
for us.
We find that in our item published last
week we did Joe Ford. the saioonist. In
justice. We stated that he ran away from
New Mexico 10 prevent his death by
lyncning for having shot an unarmed man..
Joe has the papers 10 prove that In
shooting It target the ball glanced and
hit a nan In the foot and that. SO far
from ans intended lynchinx or running
away, he left by daylight ard al A slow
pace and with tears in his eyes at having
to leave the old Joe looks homely
enough 10 be a bad man az heart. but we
pronounce him a cooling dove and render
dus apology.
There was politics enough round town
last week to make some men wonder II
We we're going 20 run for mayor again IN
the spring. but a snowstorm set in and
killed Il of before people had got fairly
interested. In order that there may bs
no mistake. however. ne not only an
nounce our candidacy, but are willing to
bet 10 TO / that we get there. We are the
best mayor this own ever had, and VIA
Hike ths Job 50 welith at We shall hang
on 70 II fer several years yet.