davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
LET US ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA
RIOUS HuMORlSTS
Pleasant Incidents Occurring the
World over-sayings that Are Cheer
full to Old or Yonng-Funny sslee-
tions that You Will Enjoy.

Nebb-You must like to hear thai
dreadful grind organ, since you pay
the man to play under your window
every day.
Nobb-No, | don't like It any more
than that girl over the way who Il
taking vocal lessons. Boston Post
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06

Dusty Dan-Hi. git off the track!
Here Gums de t'roo freight.
Layaround Lucas (sleepily)-Wuznt
fer gittin' my clos tore I'd lay STILL
Ohio State Journal.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
Cheap Epourb.

Isn't it ridiculous to say Talk is
cheapT"
"Oh, don't know. l could take you
to place where you'd get dead loads Of
it and shave thrown In for 10 cents. :"
Philadelphia Press.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
Sentiment and Discretion.

BlIIy-DIu sHe dCcepI you!
Jack-Well, she said she'd make a
memorandum of my proposal and con
slider it when the weather gets favor
able for mental effort.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06

Birthdays go off all right at our
boarding house"
"How's that?"
1--WE don't allow but sixteen candles
to anybody's birthday cake"
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
PupisbmeutinA Advance.

MOther-Johnnie, | am going to whip
you for taking that piece Of pie.
Johnnie-All right, maw whip me
real hard there's another piece left
Ohio State Journal.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
Then lie Takes His Chances.

"a millionaire can have things pret
ty much his own way In this world.
said one philosopher.
Gle can't" answered the other, "un
til he comes to make his will."-Wash
ingtnn Star.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
AT Rclnl MennA

Elalne-Did you notice the mean way
that smythe girl sneered at my new
hatl
Gladys Yes, but those sneers Were
only artificial means.-Ohio state jour
nal
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
Thirteen StOrier,

O'Hoolihan-Phwat wud yez do If
yez wor t. fall off this rufe?
O'Harrity- Faith old make up me
ulind goin' down.-Ohlo State Journal.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06

Within a few weeks after man dies,
his wife's name begins to appear often
er in the personal column of the news
papers.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06

The value of mans advice depends
upon the success he has achieved in fol
lowing It
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
Krupp,s Fortune.

"The German papers state that old
man Krupp is worth $5,000,000."
"Who Is old man Krupp"
'He is the maker of the Krupp
guns"
well, say, $5,0000O0 isn't much for
a cannonmaker when you consider all
the startling reports" Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
Certainly" answered Mr.. Meekton.


TOwne- Your wife has recovered
from her nervous trouble, | hope.
Browne-Well, she was doing nicely,
but now she's got complication of dis
eases.
Towne-You don't say?
Browne Yes, when she was conval-
escing Mrs FauXpas next door sent
her a lot Of medical almanacs to read.
Philadelphia Press.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
Mu.t Kun the Risk

do you approve of women taking an
active part in politicsY asked the idle
person.
Certainly" answered Mr.. Meekton.
Let them go ahead. If they want to
stay away from home and take the
chances on a mans walking right in on
the best carpet with his muddy boots,
that's their lookout, not ours Wash
ington Star.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
In Haste anIat Leisure.

"You seem to be in something of a
hurry" said the divorce lawyer. "lt
hasn't been more than six weeks since
you were married, has it,"
'"N-nO, sir" faltered the fair young
client, "but it-lt was st. Joe mar
riage."
II see. And this is a Chicago re
pentance" Chicago Tribune.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06

An awkward boy is chip of the old
stumbling block.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06

Mrs. Newriche-Dear me! doh
know. I've looked all through the
"O's" OF three different dictionaries
and can't find any such word.-Puck.
The Hood River glacier. (Hood River, Or.) 1889-1933, 1901-09-06
wenIth,. vesation..


Mrs. Newriche-M De Smythe toiu
me last evening that she is trouoieu
with ongwee.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Commodore Perry is a name high in
honor in the United States navy, hav-
ing been the title of two famous broth
ers, Oliver Hazard and Matthew Gal
braith Perry. On Sept. 10, eighty
eight years ago, the elder brother, a
young lieutenant who had never seen
a naval fight, fought that fierce battle
of Lake Erie, which saved the North
west to the United States, and gave the
world the dispatch: "We have met the
enemy and they are ours" Forty-eight
years ago last July the younger brother
banded in Japan with message from
tthe President which practically open
scd that country to the world. The
Matthew Perry monument recently
unveiled at sKurihama, Japan. is q
shaft thirty-thr9e feet high. made Of a
Eare native stone and bearing an in
scription In geld written BY Marquis
Ito. Il dense ,crQwd sc natives witness
ed the ceremonieessboths Japanese and
American battleshlps .1red salutes from
The haf6ot. and one efaths speakers
The Western news., 1901-11-06
: In Round Figures.

Not long ago lady was giving lee
ture. Her subject was the human fig-
ure, and the requirements in the way Of
proportion, for beauty. She herself was
of generous-one may say unwieldy-
size, and her manner was supercilious
and lofty. She was trying to demon
strate the relative sizes Of the limbs as
they really ought to be.
"For example," said she. twice
round my thumb''-she held it up
ronce round my wrist; twice round my
wrist, once round my neck; twice round
my neck, once round my waist"
Here she paused. and a shrill voice
from the audience exclaimed:
"Twice round your waist. once round
Hyde Park!'
The lecturer hastily passed on to an
other branch of the subject-London
Answers.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

the cheerful information that the Hav-
asupais had found Mckinney, had kept
him for three days. and had then sent
hfm home under a friendly escort.
ThercupDn Bass returned to Williams.
and the first man he saw was McKin-
rey, who approached and offered his
hand
II don't shake hands," said Bass. in
6tgn&ntly. with man like you! You
went on and left me, and never even
thought It worth while to send an In
diam after me. I might have starved.
or been killed. or worried to death for
fear Of what had become Of you, for
amght you would have cared"
II didn't think" said Mckinney.
mo. you didn't, and your not think
ing nearly got me hung. I lost, my time
and my grub, and never got to see the
Havnsupais, after all. I want nothing
more to do with a man like you"
That night, says Bass. Mckinney
took the train and left, and has never
been seen here since.
The Western news., 1901-11-06
AN INQUIRY.

You reckless south wind, rushing
Across the gorsy brae,
Where the sunlight is flushing
The blossoms bright and gay,
When you were crossing over
The crested pillows white,
Did you perchance discover
My lovers ship last night?
South wind, be kindly hearted,
And let the flowers be;
IT'S long since we were parted
BY leagues Of land and sea.
Was his good ship still cruising1
Now answer quickly, please,
And never mind amusing
Yourself among the trees!
Well. was his vessel coming
Homeward, with sails outspread,
Or was she idly roaming
5 Ia foreign seas instead1
All. south wind, stop appeasine
The foolish daisies 20
After your saucy teasing
And mind you whisper low!
The Western news., 1901-11-06
Sonnet ing New in Mechanics.


Great Is the humor of woman-when
she doesn't mean it. Great is the nerve
Of wOman-when she doesn't need 1t.
And great are the nerves Of wofian--
when 1t SO pleases her. This combina-
ton is blamable for the following: A
very pretty girl sat in Long Island
Railroad train en- route for Manhattan
Beach. Suddenly the whistle blew. It
is perhaps not necessary to say that a
Long Island Railroad whistle Is more
efficacious than otherwise. 1t Is tuned
to the key Of w and is operated with
q great diapason, giving out a differ
ent brand Of yelping shrek than any
thing known to nature. To repeat, the
whistle whistled. "Oooow," cried the
pretty girl. isn't that awful? should
think the railroad company would have
these things oiled. 1t Is an outrage" /"
Her companion had often heard Of wet
ting whistles. but never heard before
Of oiling them. Think it over.-Brook-
lyn Times.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

When a customer asks druggist for
poison he is required to answer certain
leading and searching questions, in or
der to satisfy, as the law requires, the
seller of the goods that he does not in
tend it for purposes of suicide or murf
der, and to assist Identification if In
spite Of such precaution the purchase
should be put to unlawful use. When
a man, woman or child desires to pur-
chase a pistol 1t is only necessary to
lay the money on the counter and walk
away with the goods and no questions
asked. Yet we question whether the
pistol in its present convenient form
has not figured In more tragedies than
the deadly poison.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

The growing tendency to look, upon
marriage as temporary bond which
can be thrown off or assumed at will is
the logical result of loose divorce laws
and the increasing tendecy to initiate
the customs of the fast sets abroad. 1t
de high time for persons of all classes
to protest against the general laxity Of
morals that is seen to exist in present
day society. Public sentiment is on the
right side, and it is important that the
old traditions which once guarded the
American home should be revived.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

The murderOus assault upon the Pres
ident called attention to at least one Of |
the dangers Of what might be called |
TIE public official hand-shaking habit |
The assassin found his opportunity at |
the public reception in the Temple Of |
Music at Buffalo, where the President
was cheerfully submitting to the ardu-
GUS ordeal OF shaking hands with thou
sands of people whom he had never
seen before and probably never would
see again. President Mckinley had
nothing to gain by this unpleasant task,
nor was it one of the duties of his office.
He was going through the ordeal mere
ly because it was the custom and be-
cause he had kindly feeling for every
body. Wholesale hand-shaking Of this
kind has no particular meaning or
value, in the opinion of the Chicago
| Tribune. 1t merely gratifies idle curl
osity and gives people chance to say
they "shook hands with the President"
Their names remain unknown to the
public official whose hand they have
shaken, and to him they are merely in
diyidual members of crowd as before.
To the official himself the process is not
only stale and Improbable but is a for
midable physical burden. There are
few kinds OF work more fatiguing than
that of shaking hands continuously for
hours with long procession of people.
Few men are strong enough to endure
it for any great length Of time. When
an attempt is made to bestow smile
and word upon each individual the
strain is further increased, and the
whole performance soon deteriorates
into perfunctory act with no particu-
lar results except an aching shoulder
for the unfortunate man who Is being
exploited. 1t is time to stop these in
discriminate .hand-shaking functions
They are superannuated survival OF
the early days when every public OH.
cial could be personally acquainted
with most of his constituents. The nd:
ton has now grown SO large that the
performance of hand-shaking in such
cases has become meaningless and bur
densome. 1t Is extremely insanitary
and exposes the official victim to dan
gers of all kinds Of contagion. The
: tragedy at Buffalo has shown that free
for-all receptions Of this kind offer ex
ira opportunities for homicidal assault
It is time to exempt the public servants
of the nation from the dangers and an
!. [noyances Of wholesale hand-shaking.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Emma Goldman's ideas on the SUBJ
ject Of marriage appear to coincide. very
closely with those of Rev. DIR. Heron,
late of Iowa and now of New Jersey.
Marriage" she says, "is private mat
ter. l do not see, then, why ministers
or judges should interfere with it." DR..
Heron enunciated the same idea some
time ago and has numerous followers
who believe the same thing.
The Western news., 1901-11-06
Military Or.hography.

A British soldier, who is at this mo-
ment serving in South Africa, recently
sent letter to the War Office contain
ing word that bafiied the Imagination
Of every clerk and official to whom the
puzzle was submitted. The mysterious
word was spelled "yfe." It was repeat
ed several times, and seemed, indeed.
to be the main subject of his commune
cation. At length 1t occurred to one OF
the clerks to consult the hall portera
grizzled veteran quite unhampered ny
board school accomplishments.
"Can you tell US the meaning Of this
word. Simpson, asked the brilliant
clerk. sss. < assss' ~
Il should think I could" replied the.
veteran, with mild contempt. "Y-t-a.
spells wife. Of course. What else could.
1t spell, iry'-King. -
The Western news., 1901-11-06

In view OF the almost general legis-
lation against cigarettes throughout
the States and the numerous crusades
for their suppression, some statistics
recently presented by Tobacco will be
OF interest. The fact that there has
been pronounced decrease in the sale
Of paper-rolled cigarettes In the last
three years leads the journal quoted to
conclude that .an equivalent Of at
least 100000 smokers have ceased to
use paper cigarettes or that q la ger
number are more moderate In their
USE" At any rate. during the time
mentioned the number Of cigarettes on
which internal revenue has been col
lected has fallen 1.470 628O90 The sta
tistics used cover a period Of twenty
years. or from June 80, 1881. At that
time the cigarette was not known out
side few Of the larger cities. The to
tai number manufactured was $685.
873, 7SS. and the internal revenue tax
was $1.75 thousand. May l. 1883,
the tax was reduced to 50 cents q thou
sand, and within twelve months the
total tax-paid product reached 9O8O0O,-
723. or an increase Of 80 per cent over
the year previous. From 1885 to 1890
more than 235. .OOO. 900 cigarettes were
annually added to the number made
and consumed. With the tax still at so
cents a thousand, a production Of e
2S3. 3.254, $50 is recorded for the fiscal
year 1890. Then came a fierce storm
OF competition, parely retaliatory in its
nature, by which more than 1,OOO,O ,OOO,-
600 were added to the tax-paid product
In less than four years. In 1897 the
high-water mark in production was
reached when 4,153,252, 40 cigarettes,
or about fifty-six for every. man, wom-
an and child In the country, paid the
government tax of more than $1,000
900. In the following year competition
was some what lessened and the tax
was raised to 81 thousand. Both of
these checked further growth, and
since then production has fallen or
materially. If there are not as many
cigarettes sold now as there were three
years ago, there are not as many
smoked; and whether the reduction is
due to decreased demand or increased
cost of production, the result is equally
gratifying to those who have labored
zealously to combat the widely preva-
lent cigarette habit.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

The Eastern clergyman who declares
the earth to be only one of 1OO,OOO,OOO
wickedness exists has evidently been
a great traveller in his time.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

male Institute. She was q musician Of
TASTE and culture. Her disposition was
retiring and 1t is no secret among her
friends that she shrank from the pub
llcity and notoriety caused by her pc
lection by the committee Of tho Fan
American Exposition as the typical
beauty of North America. She was
daughter Of .AIicajah Woods who
was major In the Confederate army.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Mrs. Carrie Chapman Gait claims
that one-fourth of the American mill
lionaires are women. The next impor-
tant query is, what proportion Of the
millionaires are widows?
The Western news., 1901-11-06
AMERICAS HANDSOME WOMAN
SIZE Dfei In the Sunny Southland
Which he Aaorn~
Miss Maude Coleman Woods, the
most beautiful woman Of the blonde
type In North America, died of typhoid

fever at the cOun-
try home OF the
Morris family In
Hanover County.
Va. Her protile
adOrns the ssOuye-
mir medals OF the
Pan-American. Ex-
position.
Miss Woods was
% years old aid
was educated at
fho Vlrutu1o, Hn0.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Emperor William has decorated all
the encourage of the Czar and the Car
! has conferred like favors on those who
surround the German Emperor. II
these visits become common the court
favorites will need ''caddy" to carry
: their emblems.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

The warm summer has dislodged the
Ice of the North and great hopes are
entertained that the pole can be pulled
up, if found 1t would be a great
scheme to bring the thing back and
plant it where it will not be so difficult
to reach,
The Western news., 1901-11-06

The Candid Friend, London weekly
paper, asserts that King Edward is suf-
fering from heart disease. Heaven pre-
serve us all from our candid friends!
The Western news., 1901-11-06

- "How should you like to have a boil
on your neck and stiff collar constant
ly chatting it?" was the pertinent ques-
tion which Massachusetts Judge put
to a man arrested for driving sore
backed horse. Then. to stimulate his
Imagination in the future, fine Of $50
was imposed.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

If the striking down of the President
by an assassin's bullet should cause a
revival in the strict enforcement of all
DAVIS. against high and low, rich and
Door. good would come out of a terrible
evil.
The Western news., 1901-11-06
Good Evidence.

"Ah." unused the phrenologist. pass
Ing the hand over the bumps upon the
head Of Mr.. Henpeck, 'the element OF
combativeness IL; very largely devel-
oped."
~Yes." said Mr.. Henpeck. sotto voce:
..but you are supposed to be reading
my character. not my wife's. ."-Balti-
more American.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Japan 1. short one mountain. thanks
60 recent earthquake. This must be
discouraging to real estate owners
there.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

A Texas heiress has run away with a
farmers boy. Thus the combinations
of capital keep going on.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Tight shoes have just caused the
death of New York woman who was
20 years old. Some of them never seem
to rise above 1t.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

A penny saved may be penny earn
ed, but the one carried as pocket piece
does not draw any interest.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

No great interest attaches to the fact
that the Chinese protocol has been
signed. There Is nothing left to loot
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Certainly that New York man who
was arrested for having twelve wives
has been sufficiently punished.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Since 1912 the United States has
grown over $27. zoe. .0o0. 900 Of corn,
over $19. 100000 OF hay. over ST.
$50, 100000 Of wheat. over %, ,15O, ,OOO.-
OQosoG GSets. over q, 1880. 600 900 Of pota-
tee1 over $1,76O. .OOO, 600 Of barley, over.
$66O. .0OO. 900 Of tobacco and over 3800,-
100000 Of .buckwheat.s 8@@
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Ffoe Baths % Leadwoskers.
! Paris supplies free Of cost sulphurous
baths to ~ persons engaged IN handl-
ing Lad
The Western news., 1901-11-06
E,ephants Need Litsle eleep,

In spite Of its capacity for hard work
the elephant seldom. II ever, sleeps
more than four or occasionally nve
hours.
The Western news., 1901-11-06
The First TiIsAo.

Scribbls6 Don't you think thai, VISA
funny Joke Just read you1 s'SH
Scrabbles-Yon betl laughed tiIl
cried the first dime I ever heard IT,
Boston Traveler.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

was Rear Admiral Beardslee. who. as
a midshipman under Perry, was pres
ent at the original entry.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

A mans opinions have moro .of lees
weight bth his wife usually ~ w
The Western news., 1901-11-06

Ths man who invented work ought
b have nnjshed u
The Western news., 1901-11-06
TIMELY TOPICS

Men do not understand that 1t Is hap
Siness that makes women attractive.
The Western news., 1901-11-06

few plain citizen speaker cowboy
sde President
President United whsk
his class
3@8
The Florence tribune., 1901-03-23
Good Health depends upon the food you eat.

from the fort for the sake of the lead" To Phoenix nothing was sacred, not even religion and the Bible, and in solemn misstatement and seemingly un- conscious misrepresentation he had nothing to learn from his later broth CTS. Indeed, American newspaper comedy has not added much to what it inherited from John Phoenix, who died along in the Sos in an insane asylum in New York. His latest proto- type has just been released from g similar institution, let us hope cured.
 Following down the line we have Josh Billings, who was a true philoso- pher with all his bad spelling; NJ. Quad, of hated memory on account of his Arizona Kicker stories; Robert T. Burdette, who combined broad farce with true poetic feeling the Danbury News man, who rose and disappeared in comet-like way Max Adeler, Eli Perkins and John Kendrick Bangs. These are but few of the names of a well-nigh endless list of funny fellows whose work has amused the present generation. It is useless to treat each in detail. The work of one is the work of all. The multiplicity of creators only serves to give the old materials and the old jokes new colorings and new settings. It is useless indeed to try to look for originality in these lat ter days of hnmor. New jokes are al most impossible. A true joke is im- mortal, but it travels down the cen turies in constantly varying costume to be preseptable, it must follow the latest fashion. and like music, it has but few notes to work upon.
 l Wendell Phillips has declared that all jokes can be traced to 25. parent witticisms, some of them as old as his tory itself. For instance, in a bool | published in the 9th century and attrib uted to Mercedes, there are 2i joke which in modern dress are still foatin, through.the newspapers. In fact. a John G.. Sake says,.
 There is nothing original in us
 Excepting original sin."
The Florence tribune., 1901-03-23
Hays interviewed.

SAN FRANCISCO, March 16.-Charles M. Hays, president of the Southern Pacific company, said in an interview, 'I do not think the Union and Central Pacific are to be merged. As to the Southern Pacific closing the Ogden gateway to all lines save the Union Pacific, the rumor is all bosh.n
 He added that while the Union Pa- ci6c will have voice .in the Southern Pacific's affairs, the company's rela- tions with it's other connections will continue undisturbed.
 Mr. Hays says. that Gov. Torres of Sonora, whom he met in Mexico, wants the Southern Pacific to build an exten. sion southwest to Mazatlan, an impor- tant Pacific port Mexico, so thatline may be used as a military highway by the Mexican government. In the opin. ion of Mir. Hays such road may be con. strueted by the Southern Pacific. The company is figuring on branch line
 l10 miles long, in Sonora, to tap some valuable coal beds.
 1 Docks are to be built at Guaymas ] the terminal of the Sonora branch O