Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-11-01
OLD MAIDS CONVENTION
An Immense Success.

ALI 10 OuEC6E
The Old Maids Convention given nv
the ladies of the Plesbyterian church
and their friends at the opera house
last evening to q we'll filled house was
an exceedingly enjoyable and laug ghter
provoking affair, and from beginning
to end of the performance the audi.
ence showed marked appreciation and
appreciation.
In little groups, in couples or here
and there one lone representative filed
into the convention, each and all re-
ceiving a hearty reception from the
audience. For weeks, attics had been
rummaged, old trunks interviewed
bnreau drawers been called upon to
give up tire mementoes and tinery of
long ago, and very brave array of it
there was "Where on earth did they
get hold of it all" was the question
asked nv all beholders.
The "cosset. hoard" and long stom-
acher of 40 kept company with the
panier and polinalse of 20, the i'm
mense crinoline of war times expanded
the skirt of several sisters hosociably
chatted with the wearer of the quill
back" Dresses which had enveloped
the hlushing bride of many years ago.
lace mantillas and fans, earrings, and
a hundred other gew- -gaws which
looked very ridiculous now, but which
each represented an epoch or was as
sociated with a deep sentiment in the
lives OF the owner, was used TO adOrn
and beautify those earnest old maids,
Where everything was so meritor-
ious it is impossible to discriminate.
every one doing her own part to per-
fection and not one hitch or break
occurring during the whole perform
ance
The business of the convention was
done with a dispatch which was COM
meniable, and the whole meeting was
marked with a unanimity of senti-
ment, one object and one alone, being
the absorbing interest, the maidens
had met together to devise ways and
means as to the securing of husbands.
and nothing caused them to dipress
from the main object
Essays were read, Iecitations given
and the most ravlshing songs sung,
but MAN was the burden and theme of
it all. A very spirited debate was
carried on by four of the sisters
Judges from the audience had been
selected but the sald judges were re-
lieved from the trying position of
rendering a decision by poor little
mouse peeplng in to see what was
going ON. Amid the shrieklng and
alarm and clambering to places of
safety the subject of the debate was
forgotten and when order was re-
stored every Judge had discretely dis
appeared, ana poor mOusie Law still and
stark, doubtless having been siezed
with heart failure.
The meeting was ready to adjourn
when Professor Spriggins put IN his
appearance with his wonderful trans
forming machine He explained IFS
merits and promised "youth and beau
ty to all" His services were trem-
blingly accepted and then began the
fun in earnest Every old maid
wanted to be that which she was not
Into the machine with many tears and
tears went one who wanted to be a
Growing hen" few turns of the
crank by the Professors assistant and
presto. when the door was opened out
stepped "the new woman" Then an
antiqnated sister expressed a desire TO
be "brnnette twinses," Sure enough,
the revolution of the crank did the
work and in few moments two of
the b ackest little picaninnies that ever
Iejoiced the heart OF darky mamma
stepped forth.
The machine was not always sue
cessful, the fat woman came out with
all her adipose The effect to produce
"Hobson'' resulted ina few pairs of
old shoes and dilapidated female wear
| (,lf yx,hn
llsping old maid was transformed into
brisk, pert little dutch girl, hope
again revived and when q shy old
maid and her doggy were transformed
INTO Emma Abbott and string of
sausage, enthusiasm knew no bonds
And one much adorned maiden de-
manded to be made into a man. The
professor protested, hut a man she
would be, so she might vote for Nc.
Kinley." After much protest she was
put into the machine, and few turns
of the crank, a deafening report. a
terrific explosion and all that had re
presented the spinsterhood of western
Iowa had disappeared from mortal
Eyes. not even so much as bunch of
nack hair or hoopskirt is to be found
by those who are looking for the ere
mans
In spite of the catastrophe however,
all beho'ders will long remember the
entertainment az very Jolly affair,
and should another convention of the
same sort be held an immense patron
age is assured. 1t is currently re-
ported that not one bachelor or cell
gible" of the town was to be seen upon
the streets, or at his place of business
this morning, and the querv is begin
ming TO be agitated as to whether they
could in anyway be concerned in the
explosion which terminated yester-
days interesting meeting, and ex-
terminated all old maids in this locali
ty. The receipts of the evening
amounted to S116. rs
HARTWIG'S LUNG BALsAM
the cough cure that cores coughs