The citizen. (Frederick City, Md.) 1895-1923, 1900-05-25
AS THE DEVIL WOULD DO.
John P. st. Johns Version of
How the Devil Would Run
a Newspaper.

The editor of the AtchinSon
Champion concluded he would
have his paper run for a week as
the Devil would run it and wrote
to various prominent meG over
the State for their opinions as to
how they thought his Satanic
Majesty would handle the Job.
Among those who answered was
eX Governor John p. st. John, of
Kansas, who said:
81 have received yours of the
goth ultimO asking me to give my
opinion as to 'How the Devil
would run a newspaper and in
reply thereto | desire first to CON
graduate you Oh your excellent
Judgment in selecting me to an
swer that question, for my famil.
iarity with his Satanic Majesty
enables me to impart to you lot
of information that the ordinarily
piouS man knows but little about.
"The first thing the Devil
would do would be to write a sa-
lutatOry. He would give it an
intense religious tone. He would
shout for 'Old Glory" and scream
for liberty, and pitch into the
MOrmonS; would not say word
about the thousands of slaves and
our government salaried Sultan
and his seventeen wives under
the protection of the American
flag on the Island of Sulu. He
would openly favor bimetalliSm,
and secretly work to put the
government on single gold
standard.
N"He would talk long and loud
about the ''people's money" but
place them at the mercy of the
national banks to get it. He
would declare that Cubans 'were
and of right ought to be free,'
and then refuse them their free
dom.
she would denounce fraud and
then send word to the Gamers of
rotten beef to clean up and get
ready to be whitewashed. He
would stand quietly by and with
out even protest see the organ
lied trusts rob the people of hun
dreds of millions annually and
call it prosperity. He would ad-
vOcate the levying of a high tariff
tax Oh the poor mans food and
clothing and tell him it was pro-
lection. He would be as quiet as
a graveyard while we were burn
ing negroes at the stake and
punching their eyes out with a
red hot iron here in our own
country, but would make his
columns speak in thundertones in
favor of sending our soldiers
eight thousand miles from home
to shoot our civilization and Mil
waukee beer into the Filipinos.
In desperate frenzied effort of
a powerful monarchy which has
been a rObber and oppressor of
weak nations, to crush by brute
force a brave people in South
Africa who are struggling as our
forefathers struggled four gener-
atiOns ago for the right of self
government, the Devil would be
on the side of monarchy and gloat
over the downfall of the Republic.
"He would take the position
i'll his newspaper that by the
providence of God Porto Rico was
the property of the United States
and that her people were our
people, and by this same Divine
Providence, and by cry of "be-
nevOlent assimilation" and to i'm i.
press upon the Porto Ricans the
lesson that 'Whom the Lord
loveth he chastiseth,' he would
put fifteen per cent tariff on
the products of their labor. He
would indulge in long prayers for
temperance and editorially wink
at the Klondike jointists to close
up during the dull season, but
throw their doors wide open again
just before the veterans next pay
day. He would stand for Nc
Kinley and bitterly denounce
Bryan, and finally his Satanic
Majesty would make a will, in
which he would provide, that in
case of his death or removal from
the United States his newspaper
should be turned over to Mark
Hanna.n