Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1900-04-17

the tomb. lose 0anccd SklIl udlce'
We all Wept.'
Sandy Mcpherson, in a moment Of alb
straction, put half a crown in the collec
ton plate last Sunday in mistake for Il
penny, and has since expended deal OF
thought as to the best way of making up
for it: Moo, | might stay ava frae the.
kirk till the sum was made up; but on
the ither ham, | wad be payin' pew rent
a the time an gettin' nae guild @ t.
Losh. But I'm thinkin' this is what the
meenister cas- 'releegious difficulty.
Punch.
Official-"You want license to run
an automobile? Have you had any ex
perience:
Applicability bet | have
Otficial-"Where and how?'
Applicant-"Why, I've steered baby
carriage safely across Broadway on Il
parade day."-Harper' Bazaar.
"Do vou think the shortest route to a
mans heart is through his stomach"
asked Miss Gabby, as she prepared to
exhibit her skill with the chating-dish tc
young DIR. Powders. "Oh, dear, no. cx-
claimed the young physician, swelling up
with the consciousness of his superior
knowledge. The shortest way to the
heart is by way of an incison through
the left sub-clavial section of the thor
acic particles" Thus is cold science
wrestling Cupid's weapons one by one
from. the hands of the fair sex-Balti-
more American.
An old lady entered a watchmaker's
shop and handed to the assistant the pen
dulum CT an old Dutch clock.
to make my old clock CO.
But You must bring the Clock said
the assistant.
said the old lady, Indignantly
Moments.
The family of Count Tolstoi has a
large circle OF acquaintances. and hardly
an evening passes but there are guests,
relates the Newcastle England Chroni-
Gle. At one music party a lady's singing
dspieased Count Tolstoi's boys, and they
adjourned to another room and made a
noise Their father lost patience and
went after them and characteristic adj
monition ensued:
Are you making a noise on purpose"
he asked.
After some hesitation came an answer
in the affirmative: "T-y-yes."
Does not her singing please YOU"
well, no. Why does she how'll" de-
clared one of the boys, with vexation.,
$50 you wish to protest against her
singing?' asked Lyeff Nikoiaevitch, in
serious tone.
Yes"
Then go out and say so, or stand in
the middle OF the room and tell every
one present. That would be rude, but
upright and honest. But you have got
together and are squealing like grass
hoppers III a corner. l will not endure
such protests
-.O.
What a pretty new shirt waist he
exclaimed, AS he tried to press Il wrinkle
out of it with his arm. I'm glad you
like it, she said shyly. wait min
ute he said shifting the air. r: II smell
Fred" she said. drawing the arm tighter
about her which he had almost removed;
Its this new waist. | got it at Culver's
fire sale today. "-Yonker's Stateman.
The nervous commuter had one minute
in which to catch his train. He was has
tening exceedingly when the cries of a
Hey, mister shouted the urchin,
''yerve lost somethin.
The commuter stopped and hastily
counted his bundles. What have l LOST"
he painted. r'Whr," said the boy ''yer've
lost that sh re ] put on your shoes Wis
tidy. I'll gil yer another fur nickel. -
Philadelphia Press.
Il don't see what they want to stop
them SwindlerS from usin' the mails
fur" said Farmer COrntoSsei, who was
feeling ill-natured on general principles
Seems to me the government is allus
miXin' in"
But it's better to have 'em stopped"
Il dunno whether Ills or not. It's GER
tainly heap cheaper to get your gold
bricks through the postoffice than it is
to pay railroad fare an go to town after
'em. Washington Star.
The warm. pleasant reading room Of
free public library is quite as grateful to
the average tramp as if there were no
books there at all. says a writer in the
Youths Companion. The common regu-
lation against sleeping, however, trou-
bles him somewhat. and whether his
book or paper is right or wrong side up,
he clutches it with energy. This keep
ing up appearances has very comic
side. and Il recent writer on tramp life
illustrates II:
One day | scraped acquaintance with
a tramp in a reading room. and as if TO
show it was the literary attraction which
had brought him there he suddenly
asked me in a most confidential tone
what | thought of Tennyson. OF course
| thought a good deal of him and said
so, but | had hardly finished before the
old fellow ENORMOUSLY remarked:
Don der think the best thing he ever
did was that air Charge of the Seven
teen Hundred?"
Mr. Robin-''What kind of a nest shall
we build this year, dear?''
Mrs. Robin-"Well, if you don't build
prettier one than Mrs. Bluejays over
in the apple tree I'll not set. Sc there.'
Ohio State Journal.
Mr. Adams-"My wife and [ were
particularly gratifed over a letter re-
ceived from our boy the other day an
nouncing that he leads his class
College Professor-"Ah yes. The boys
march into class in alphabetical ORDER
Philadelphia Press.
One day Dom Paul had to travel from
Pretoria to Cape Town in company
composed in part of Germans, in part Of
English, says a London correspondent.
He said to his secretary:
HOe yer is hpt van HERO