The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1900-07-15
rrHE CHAPLAINS JOKE



shall have them stolen some night when
we are all asleep, you'll see
In vain endeavored to convince her that
We had no grounds for fear, and that our
eve lamb beyond price though ii was to
us. was not-what shall do with my me-
taphor?-fat enough to excite the covetous-
ness of the London housebTeaker so long
as Kensington and Beigravia, not to men
ton Park Lane were possessed of locks
that skeleton keys would fit: but my aIgl-
nents were ineffective, and l regret TO he
compelled to say that We had GU: initial
domestic disagreement over the alleged IN
security of our dining room window shut
| ter5.
One day, on returning from an a.tsr-
Moons pastoral visiting, l found my vie
deep in the pages of one of my numerous
books dealing with criminology. 1t waS
most fascinating work by my friend, Major
Arthur GrifIiths.
DO you know, dearest, what we oughs
to do?" she asked as l entered the roe m.
DO? WHAT
He eays-this man. this MIR. Griflths-
that every London householder should pos
sess three things as security against bur-
glars: "A tinker. tattler. and twinkler.'
l laughed. And what are they. do you
suppose?''
\ "Oh, he tells you. The tinker, OF course,
is bell, to be hung outside; a tattler is
dog-terrier dog if possible: and the twin
kler-well. you can easily guess that that
is light. Do you think those night
lights / have would do?"
This accident Of my wife's lighting upon
my criminal library involved me IN very
considerably outlay. for by the end OF the
week huge bell adorned the outside wall
near our bedroom window. trim little fox
terrier sat upon our hearth-rug, and upon
1 orrr fniiat tahla a litfla stack 0f night
light boxes.
| Now aupt's tea-urn is quite safe, am
sure" my wife announced, with heavy con-
viction. "and / shall feel l can sleep
soundly."
She did sleep soundly. alas! Would she
had not: for, two nights after, our house
was broken into, our solid silver tea urn
taken, and Rip-that Is. our new terrier
left poisoned upon the hall mat
On coming down in the morning our new
maid found the dining room widow catch
wrenched back, the shutters opened, and,
what was at first sight little perplexing,
all our silver tied UP in the tabiecloth. but
| left upon the floor. Evidently the thieves
had been disturbed. and had been forced
to leave behind them the bulk of their
booty. Unluckily. however, they had man.
aged. before their flight, TO seize a few
things, among them the solid silver tea
urn.
endured with much fortitude the
There told you how II would be- scold-
ing which inevitably followed. and real
" felt greatly yexed and Inundated at
our loss myself particularly in view Of our
| elaborate precautions. / also mentally put
rod in pickle for my friend the major.
whose alliteratiye safeguards We had
adopted with such notifying results.
The police Investigations which / at once
nut in train led to nothing being discovered
of the thieves, as fear / anticipated; for,
as the reader will remember, / am an old
prison chaplain. and my conviction grows
| that until We start a school where the sci
ence of thief catching will be taught by
capable professional staff of ex-convicts.
we Londoner9 will retain our solid silver
tea-urns upon very insecure tenure.
Now the pace of my story quickens, for
which increase OF speed, no doubt, the
reader will be grateful.
/ was up in the city one morning, about
three months after the loss of our wedding
present. when / saw a billsticker posting
up an announcement OF the annual meeting
of a society in whose objects / was much
interested. ! stopped to read it. and had
run my eye down as far as the name OF
! the chairman, when heard voice at my
I elbow:
"ChapIain,"
1 looked round: 1t was the voice OF the
billstcker-the voice of Gostick, OF Dart
J moor memory. He greeted me with great
! warmth and most evident pleasure; and
when l congratulated him upon his release
and entrance upon an honest occupation
his face beamed with pride.
You should see what snug little place
we've got. Chaplain he went on: land.
If might make so bold should be fine
and pleased for you to come and have
look at US some day. 'when you are down
our way. We're fixed up in Chelsea" He
told me the name Of the street, and the
! number.
81 will certainly do go" replied; land
you must come and see me-according to
your promise" / smiled as ] recalled the
convict's words in the little far-away ad-
Indicating room. Curiously enough, my
own would-be facetious rejoinder to that
promise did not occur to me then; but 1t
occurred to me later, assure you.
How amused Gostick would be. I soltlo-
quized did he know that his old chaplain
to whom he and his mates had so often
confided their burglarious escapades. had
himself been victimized since coming 10
London!
When 1 told my wife Of my encounte-.
she betrayed another symptom OF her pro-
vincial birth and training.
Tell him. dearest, about our losing our
tea-urn," she said eagerly. mo doubt he
will know who took it,
MY darling" 1 replied. do you really
imagine-I know you aunt would not give
us anything that was not really good-but
do you really imagine that our tea-urn was
so exceptionally valuable that the fortu-
nate rascal who stole 1t from US would so
round informing every thief and ex-thief
in London of his good luck" / meant this
to be fine sarcasm and final. but it was not
final.
Amy way, you might tell him." she
persisted.
resolved, though with no hope as to
practical results. that would. That re-
solve / never carried out.
The week after my meeting With my old
/ Dartmoor acquaintance, CHANGING to be in
the neighborhood OF Chelsea, / called at
the address he had given me, and received
from both Gostick and his wife-a decent
little woman. who had loyalty kept home
together during her husbands incarcera-
tion-a right royal welcome. Everything
about the house was comfortable, If sim
pie. and l was obliged to yield to their
united opportunities to stay and have a
cup of tea with them. AS we sat In the
little front parlor Gostick gave me hur-
ried summary of his experience since his
liberation, the hardships he had endured
through social ostraciEm. the CALLING sur
VIGILANCE OF the police-in q word the old,
old story of the obstacles We put in the
( way of a ticket-of- leave mans return to
respectable life.
Now. II is my turn to tell a story" I
said. anticipating much amusement in
watching the effect on Gostick of my re-
cital OF the adventure of our absconding
tea-urn.
Neither have had everything as I
ynfS