Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-04-15
MR.. DOOLEY ON ADMIRAL
DEWEY'S CANDIDACY.
BY f. p. DUNNE.

well, sir" said Mr. Dooley. 4 hope
to hiven he won't get it. No rilitive
iv mine liver held a pollyt,cal job bar
rim mesilf. was precinct captain an
wan iv tn best they was in thin days,
if l do say so that shuddent. | was
called Cap FIR nanny years afther-
ward an Fd'v joined tn Gr-rand Army
iv tn Raypublic if it hadn't been fir
me poor feet. Nanny iv me rilitives
has been candydates, but they niver
cud win out again tn r-rest iv TIL
family. 'Tis so with cousin George
I'm again him. I've been .rayspict-
able saloonkeeper FIR forty years in
this ward, an I'll not have tn name
dragged into pollytics.
Nv coorse, | don't blame Cousin
George. I'm with him t'r anything
else in tn gift iv tn people firm q
lovin-cup to house an lot. He don't
mean anything be it. Did We liver see
a sailor thryin' to ride horse? 'Tis
comical sight. TIL reason IL sailor
thries to ride horse is because he
niyer ERODE wan before. If he knew
anything about it he wouldn't do it.
Sc be Cousin George Afther he'd
leen over here awhile a got SO twas
SIZE f'r him to go out without bein
torn to pieces FIR Souvenirs or lynched
be mob, he took look ar round him
an says he to polisInan What's
tn governmint iv this counthry?
lis raypublic,' says the polisman
What's tn main guy called? says
George. He's called prisidint' says
tn polisman Is is a good job?' says
Cousin George. IT'S betther thin
thravelin' beat says tn bull. What
s tn lads name that's holdin it
now?' says Cousin George. Mack,
says tn cop. Irish?' says George
Cross says tn elbow Where frm?'
says George. Ohio says the peeler
Where's that?' says George I din
nav, says tn bull. An they parted
tn best iv frinds
Well says George to himsilf, 4
guess I'll have to go up an have a look
at this la-ad's place. he says, An if it
looks good, he says, 'p'raps cud nail
it, he says An he goes up an sees
Mack dictatin' his Porther Ric/yan
policy to a kaleidoscope an it looks
like nice employmint FIR a spry man,
an he goes back home an sinds FIR a
rayporther an says he: L always be-
lieve since got home in dealin frank
ly with tn press. I haven't seen
nanny papers since I've been at sea,
but whin l was a boy me father used
to take the Montpelier Paleejum
Twas r-run be man be tn name Of
Horce Clamback. He was quite man
whin sober. we've heerd iv him no
doubt. But what l asst We up here f'r
was to give We item that we can write
up in ye'er own way an hand to the
rrest iv tn boys. I'm goin' 70 be
prisidint like tn looks iv tn job an
nobody seems to care FIR it, an I've
got so blamed tired since l left tn
ship that if 1 don't have somethin' to
do I'll go crazy he says. L wisht ye'd
make note iv it an give it to tn 9TH
er papers, he says. Are we n ray
publican or dimmycrat?' says the
rayporter. What's that?' says Cousin
George. Dye belong to tn raypubli-
can or tn dimnycrat party?'
What ARE they like?' says Cousin
George. TIL Republicans ARE in ia
vor iv expansion Thin I'm a ray
publican. TIL dimmycrats ARE in
favor iv free trade Thin I'm 4 dim
mycrat. TIL republicans ar-re fr
upholding in tn goold standard so
am I. I'm republican, there An
they're opposed to an income tax On
that says Cousin George, I'm a dim
mycrat. l tell We, put me down rs a
dimmycrat. Divvle tn bit 1 are.
Just say I'm a dimmycrat with sthrong
Republican leanings. Put it this way:
I'm a dimmycrat, be a point raypub-
lican. dimmycrat. Amy sailor man'll
understand that 'Whatll l say yc'er
platform is?' Platform? 'Ye have to
stand on a platform. I do, do L?
Well. 1 don't. III stand on no plat
form, an III hang on no sthrap. What
dye think tn PRESIDENCY is-a throlley
car? No sir whin We peek in tn dure
to sell ye'er paper yell see ye'er Uncle
George settin' down comfortable with
his legs crossed, thrippin' up annywan
that thries to pass him. Go out now
an write ye'er little item FIR It's late
an all hands ar-re piped to bed he
says.
AN there We ARE. Well, sir, It's
a hard year Cousin George has in store
FIR him. TIL first thing he knows he'll
have to pay f'r havin' his pitchers in
tn paper. Thin he'll larn iv siveral
previous convictions in Vermont Thin
he'll discover that they was no union
label on tn goods he delivered at Ma
Mia Twill be pointed out to careful
observers that he was ilicted prisidint
iv tn A. P. A. be tn Jesuits. Thin