The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1900-07-29
HICKEY FINN,s GOAT IN BLISS.
A Living illustration OF the Value Of Horns In
Great Emergency.

U Ureet Emergency.
Researches In natural history regarding thu
| goat by Mickey Finn disclosed the information
that the animal was a mammiferous quadru
ped, with hollow horns. and a tongue NOR
rough than any other animal, The mamma
lian reference was Greek to the student. bu
he was delighted to learn that In the early his
tory of Ireland the goat was used as an instru
ment Of torture, which for devilish ingenuit,
rivalled any Of the stories printed In the "BooE
Of Martyrs" The offender Ia strapped on
table. the bottoms of HIS feet were carefully
washed. and the moist surface of the skin lib
orally sprinkled with salt. The goat theI
licked the salt with his sandpaper tongue. In
less the victim recanted his belief. even In bis
own existence. he was literally tickled into
eternity.
Mickey learned also that the goat has thirty
teeth. and that a black goat Is of Oriental he
redity, Moreover. he found that in Eastern
countries soatskins were used rs vessels In
which to carry wine. He was particularly
Interested In the species Of goat found in the
elevated mountain chains OF Central Asia,
called jahral. because Of their reputed gym
nastio feats in falling from high places upon
their horns. list for divarshun." rs Mickey
put It.
These facts were placed by the youthful his
torian before the family In c~onclave assem-
bled after the supper dishes had been removed
and Mr.. Firms pipe was internationally glow
ing like a mammoth FREELY. 1t was a matter
Of congratulation TO the Firms that the goat
showed indications Of aristocratic lineage In
his long. silky. jahral-like hair. his black color,
and In his majestic port. But they could not
deny the existence Of a Celtic stain in his blood
because Of his ~culverin proclivities. 1t was
decided that he should be called Hircus (he-
goat because the name sounded nice, the last
syllable being peculiarly appropriate. But
that portion OF Mickey's researches of peculiar
interest was the fact that the skins Of Hircus's
remote ancestors were used as GROWERS, so to
speak. for, In order to fully appreciate this
veracious chronicle It must be understood that
the recent inebriety Of the goat was the cause
OF not only the research but the discussion In
the Finn shanty.
Alcohol. usually In the form Of mixed ale,
had always formed a part of the Firms menu:
but the retainers Of the family. notably the
billy and the nanny. had seldom shared In the
delights OF this palatable mixture, Mr.. Firms
thirst Intervening. Consequently, 1t wa ar
sued at the freside. the billy could not have
acquired the debasine habit at home. There
were some more or less hazy suggestions on
the part Of the senior Finn that it might be a
matter OF h%eredity; that the skins Of some OF
his ancestors. perhaps. had been used as wine
vessels and thus a taste for liquor had been
transmitted. But Mrs. Firms coeent reason
ing to the effect that the goats must be dead
before their skins could be used easily dis
proved this unnatural hypothesis.
Nor was IL In an acrimonious manner that
these discussions were carried on; but, rather,
In a tone of genial pleasantly suggested by the
goats manner when his knee joints bulged
from the perpendicular. And when in this
he slowly unfolded the curtains OF
his dusky eyes his expression was 80 inexpressi-
bly, droll that the family burst into a cyclone Of
which made the windows rattle.
1t Is probable that in a prohibition atmosphere
the goats intemperanoe would have excited
disgust and even recrimination on moral
grounds: but in the simple ethics of the Firms
1t was purely a matter of economies. Where
did he get the whiskey? was the question of
serious import. Or. II 1t were not whiskey.
other potential agency produced the
hilarious resultl 1t was always after an All
sence OF several hours. Mrs. Finn recalled, that
the goat brought his jag home, evidently for
exhibition purposes. Indeed, for months the
goat had shown Ishmaehtish tendencies. 10
paraphrase a deservedly popular quatrain:
"Hs VS. ss = wandering goat. buck goat,
be would not heed his masters voice.
he could not be CONTROLLED
And yet when he returned from his wander.
the kitchen door was always open TO re-
Selve him: When he laid his heated head in
Mis-. FINN a SImDQrbRtlp Inn and lNnlAl - Il.
her lace with pleading and repentant eye, her
intuition saw that his coppers were hot
and she cooled them with spring water. On.
woman, woman, blessed ~servitor. Def sor-
oeress. Even Bacohus is repulsed BY thee,
ethel, with a tear or a brickbat.
And SO the days went by. odorous with the
OF katydid and locust. And with the evening
came the voices OF the frog orchestra croakinS
for rum. rum. rum. with CHEEKY iteration. And
III e. goat 'i, eame back loaded to the guards. and
rolling IKE a GOAL barge of Point Judith.
ne FINN family became alarmed. The
fearful that '~so!osis" OF tie liver already lad
night were the most marked symptoms. A
was suggested. but he was an ex-
luxury and the Films wore poor. They
comnpromised on the dream book, Ia the hope
which would cure the goat. Under the head
OF events ~foretold by planets they found Capri
or the horned goat Here they gained
49, " NV 'EtVNf tiidt a " IJOIH lUNNAI
sign Will be OF an ambitious, turbulent and
disposition, troublesome to himself
and 70 others, Of a dull and lazy habit, void Of
and of unpleasant manners. In life
be will be unhappy and unfortunate, owing TO
his. own rashness and want of consideration.
In love he will be much attached to the female
rather tickle In his affections. but kind and
owing to his wife and punctual in the discharge
his marital duties. He will make a bad
'a.her. but q good husband.
These wise words caused a good deal OF
10 the shanty, the consensus Of opin-
on being that while they were very fair auto
Considered from a remedial standpoint. <
recourse TO the dreambook, this time
n regard to drinking, revealed the alleged
acts that Tor a goat TO dream that he is drinking
ness, especially II this dream be near the break
day and the dreamer be Of a sanguine ,om-
'lexion q lying on the left side.
Mrs. Finn was doubtful about the sanguine
,omplexlon. she had never heard Of si n
color. her belief being that the goats com
olexion was black. However, she let 1t go
that, a very common phrase denoting IN
inference. As to whether the goa lay up0n
p doubt. In fact she was pretty well con-
tnced. whom she thought IL over. that "the
irunken ould divvil did nothin' but snore whin
Il L ! ave aione areanin.A There Is always
o resume:
When the Firms had exhausted themselves
. suggesting remedies, when liver invtgorators,
it was suggested by Mickey that an
tempt DO made to shut of the goats source
( supply, This was hailed as a genuine in
piration and Mickey was appointed a detective
o dog the goat in his wanderings next day.
The most ~eventful day in the history Of hircus
over Cooney Island in the common place
uly fashion. The bantam rooster hustled
is mate q the perch to hun, for the early
0 the pond. Murpby's SOW plzzled all tho