davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

Nose Glasses. and he was Lost II he did
n1f have an Umbrella under his Arm. He
never had dallicd with the political Buzz
Saw, although he had Convictions on the
National Issue and had written one or
tEJ open Letters on Municipal Owner
ship signed "Justitia."
BY some Chance, the Bosses singled out
the Garden Seed Man as the Victim for
The On Year Sacrifice. They did not Ike
o. -ee a Good Fellow stand in the Breach
and take the Gan right in the Wish Bone
j. any one had 10 be handled with Hooks,
ties referred that il shouldkbe some up
TE1 outsider, who wore Congress Caters
aus Yarn Wristlets. The Nice Man who
c.dii in Leeks and Early Peas. seemed TO
meet all Requirements lie was due to
get the Double Cross On General rrincl-
pies. In speaking Of him they called him
The Stiff.
When they talked il over in a Wine
Room at the rear OF the Pug's Olympus
Il was reported that the Garden Seed Mar
was suspected OF being a Lily White, whJ
seldom stood by the Straight Ticket, that
he carried a little Sack of Peppermint
Lozenges, and that he had never been
known 10 call Anybody by his First
Name. So they took a Vote to see if h
should be Butchered 10 make a Municipal
Holiday and a Low GroWI of Approval
ran round the Table
Two Committeeman who carried an
overweight of JOwl and wore Canoes a
little smaller than the Home Plate. went
up 10 the Garden Seed Office and told the
Nice Man that the People all over Town
were slck with Anxiety to know would he
be their Next City Clerk.
II ne hnd stopped to Count Up he would
have known that not more than twenty
three Persons had ever heard of him. But
you can always convince a Nice Man that
he IS Prominent and if the Ointment is
properly applied and rubbed In so as TO
get all through the System. he will think
be is real Popular. too.
The Committeeman had worked the lit
Tie Ban in and out of the English Wal
nuts before shifting to Politics. and they
could sat down beside trusting, unso-
phlsucated Unitarian with an Open-Work
Ai'hd ana convince him that Red was Vel
low
BY the time they were through Pump
ilE II INTO nm, he was sure that if he
u'1 not accept the Nomination. the Lights
would burn Low all over the City ana the
Little Children would moan in their Trnn.
c.c Beds. So he put on the CORRUGATED
Brow AID tried 10 look like Caesar AT the
Lupercal and said lie would have To
knock Under TO the Universal Demand.
The Committeeman said they would need
Atue Money right away to get out some
Printing. They did not say what kind of
Printing. kat they relieved him of enough
L. issue a Public Library.
Ills Wife and her Sister and the Man
Who took care OF the Furnace and lis
other Friends heard what he was up 10.
They tried 70 get a firm Hand-Hold on his
,'4t-Iai.s and pull him out of Danger,
tat he knew better. He said the Popu-
lace was Calling for him. No one else
Heard ihe can. II must have come over
Private Wire.
The Man who takes the Bit in his
Ieeh and starts out 10 try the entire
iAfiy-three Degrees of Chumpery can al
ways ina plenty OF Good Excuses. lie
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

seemed 20 be falling over each ether in
their Mad Rush 20 get into Line for him
Ent!re Families were Topping 10 his Sup
Fort and working for him stronger than
al OK. So be was told. Two Men who
sold him Tickets TO the Plano Movers
Ban reported that they had organized a
Marching Club Of leo In the Fourth
Wand. Incidentally, they Pulled his Leg
for A Bass Drum, Their. to even up, so
that he would not run with a Fiat Wheel.
they stretched the other Leg for Flag
20 carry at the Head of the Line.
Every other Ward vas organized in
the same Way. The Campaign Commit
zee gave II 10 him Raw TWO OF three times
a Week. They could get him into a Back
Ro9m at Headquarters and pull down the
Blinds and plug Cotton In the Key-Holes
and Talk TO him in a Stage Whisper.
What they had TO say could have been
talked through a MegaphOne al the Street
Corner without any Harm being done.
but all this Hush Business and the Sub
Gued TONES are a part OF the Game.
Besides. II was better 10 have him in the
Back Room so they could help him 20
count his Money and work the Short
Change Racket without any Fear OF Po-
lice Interference.
Once or twice he Bucked a little and
said that inasmuch as % per cent. Of
the Voters had Declared for him. he did
not see the Necessity OF Coughing so fire.
Qucntly. They said il was for more Print
ing. He never saw the Printing, but they
rubbed his Shoulders for him and assur-
ed him 1t was All Right.
What he spent on the Jacks and Billies
and their Accomplices would have got
him the new Surrey and repainted the
House and put new l. on the Kitchen
for the Girls Room and paid for all the
Works OF f. p. Roe and T. s. Arthur,
which he was very anxious TO add to his
Library.
AS he saw his Balance melt, he was
cheered Up by the knowledge that he
would get II back several times over in
Salary and Fees. and probably be able 10
turn few Tricks or the Side.
just before Elecuop. everybody runs
around in a Circle and Kicks up so much
Dust that no one but a Clairvoyant can
size up the Situation. Even the Garden
Seed Man. who had kept his Finger on
the Public Pulse. could not accurately es-
innate his Majorities, but he had a little
Table that he had made with a Fountain
Pen and a Ruler, and it showed that he
was merely few Votes shy of the IMAM
imous. He was expecting that some one
would get up and Move TO make him City
Clerk by Acclamation.
The Ballots were counted and the Gar
den Seed Man carried one Precinct in the
Second Ward and two in the Seventh.
The Legless Man with the Ringing Show
could have Run almost as well.
At eleven O'Clock on Election Night he
sat az Headquarters. whence all but him
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07
MAN AND HIS TROUBLES.
Substance of a Recent Grafton at the
FnIhers' Congress.

From he Salt Lake Herald.
At the fathers congress held in this
city shortly after the adjournment Of the
mothers congress, Fred Presbery deliv
cred an address on Man; How, When,
and Why Is He?" He said, in part:
Man that is horn of woman is OF few
DAYS and full of microbes. He hOppeth
out of bed in the morning and his feet
are pierced with the tack of disappoint-
ment. He walketh through the streets of
the city in the pride and glory of his
manhood and slippeth on the banana
peel of misfortune and unjointeJh his
neck. He smoketh the cigar of content
ment, and behold! IL explodeth with
loud noise. for 1t was loaded. He slideth
down the bannister of life and encoun-
ters many slivers OF torture. He lierh
down 10 sleep al night and is stung by
the mosquitoes of annoyance, and his
frame is gnawed by the bedbug OF ad-
yersity.
what Is man but the blind worm Of
fate? Behold, he is impaled upon the
hook OF despair and furnishes bait for the
levIathan, death, In the fathomless ocean
OF time. Sorrow and travail follow him
all the DAYS OF his life. In his infancy he
u dlAR4CAtu Win AHN MpitnS anu fNafNs anu
in his old age ne Is afflicted with rheuma-
tism ana ingrOwing toe-nailS. lie mar
ryeth a crOss-eyed woman because her
father is rich and fndeth that she hath
not sense enough TO fry the festive chuck
steak His iather-in-law then monkeyeih
with options and goeth under.
What is man but the tumOr on the
neck OF existence? He playeth the races
and betteth his all on the brown mare be-
cause he hath received a tip. The sorrel
gelding winneth by neck. Behold, he
runneth for office, and the dead-beat pull
eth mis- leg ever and anon, and then VOteth
for the other man He eXalteth himself
among his people and swelleth with pride.
but when the votes are counted he find
eth that his name is mud. He boasteth Of
his strength in Israel, but is beaten by a
red-headed man from the Bloody Third.
He goeth forth TO breathe the fresh air
and mediate upon the vanity OF all earth
ly things, and is accosted by bank CASH
Ter with a sight draft for $500 political
enemy lieth In wait for him in the market
place and walketh around him, Growing
like a cock.
Verify, man is nothing but a wart on
the nose OF nature-a buni0n on the toe
OF tlme-a freckle on the face OF the
universe.
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07
The 8s.tes S,,r;t.


From HsTVeE's Weekly.
Boston's new Symphony Hall was OMEN
cd on October IL with special coneert
Shefeat Col +. L. Higginson made a
speech and MT. Owen WIater read q
poem. The new hail Is In the Back Bsy
District, on The corner OF Magsaehusetts
and Huntington avenues 1t cost E.1.OO0
OF which $4,000 was raised by subscrID-
ton and the rest borrowed. Mr.. Charles
McKim. OF Sew York. was the architect
the acoustics were studied by Prof. ga-
bine. Of Harvard. ard other wise Boston
men helped IN the construction. The hall
seats 200 people. So far as could Be t1dg-
ed on the opening night Il IL exeellently
suited 10 its purpose. Col. HlggingOn. the
chief stay and support OF the Boston
Symphony Orchestra. for which the hall
was built. Is one OF Eoston's most useful
and publie-spirited citizens. and seems to
have az ineorrigibIe propensity 10 under
take enterprises not promising In a Pc
egniary sense. but which Boston needs to
have carried out. He told how the hall
had been built by certain citizens OF
Boston. without regard 10 return In
money" and sad he had leased Il from
the directors for ten years. agreeing 70
meet all charges and expenses, ana pay
the stockholders the rest Of the receipts
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

been twice mayor and once the Repre-
sentative In Congress OF his beloved city.
a one-horse town. Ny dear fellow.
nave you seen the new census reports
LOOK at the population we haves Here.
ies me snow you cur figures as compared
VII VI! some Of the other large
les. l know all about that You have
MADE q fine gain during the last ten
years as far az people GO; but IL .sn't
people alone that count"
know that: still, You must adnit
mat We have some fine public buildings.
and that our business streets are well
know. Your post-ofnce. courthouse.
stly aai, public library. and art gallery
are an Very fine. Your boule~ard and
pafE systems are excellent, too. and one :
DIST impression on entering TIE place Is
~ thriving, busting bus!rcss center.
I our chamber OF commerce stuck me as
being particularly fine from an arehi-
seStufal standpoint. and your public
their kind
The prominent citizen ran his fingers up
tnr0ugh his hair and shifted ais weight
from enc leg to the other. He looked
oeuDtfully al his visitor for a moment. as
y, not quite sure that he had understood.
inen he said. half bitterly:
and yet you think II Is a one-horse
49,, Why. yes-certalply," was the reply.
lou nave only a nine-hole golf course
mere. yes know"
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07


an owner. He packs up all he kin lay
hands on. eats everything layin' around
loose, and then goes out to the shaft and
says to Jim:
" Hello down thar
4" Git me up says jim.
"'What fur?
"'Bekase j want 10 look out fur things
"'But thar's nothin' 10 look out fur,
bein as your squaw's gone and I've clean
ed out the shack and are going to take
the mule
And with that Tom Skiff walks off as
cool as the bills in Jinuary, and it is noon
next day b.. ore anybody comes along and
draws him Up. He comes out o. that hole
frothin at the mouth and thirssng fur
human gore, but what does he do? Does
he borrer gun and head fur Rose Valley
TO kill Joe Bartlett and rekiyer his squaw?
Does he borrer another and head fur
Smoky Flats TO shoot Tom Skiff and re-
kiver his mule? Not bit OF IL. He gifts
bis breath end then comes canterin' down
the hill 10 the Red Dog saloon in s'arch OF
me. In dispensin' drinks AT 30 cents
apiece and hevIn' rush of 1t, but the
critter can't wait
What yer wsatg says I.
"'Jesticer yells he.
"'What about?'
Fur my sqnaw and my mule Gimme
red-handed jestice-jestiee red-hot from
The oyenp
Gentlemen, had to do it-had 70 issue
warrant and arrest the parties. Had TO
do IL bekase I'm a court OF law and sworn
to, but II ar needless 20 tell you how EIy
SOIL reYOlted at the idea, I've issued war
rants. got the prisoners before NE. and
nov I'm about 10 break loose. Tm a-gay-
IN and a-shoutin' that Of all the back
homeless fshworms on the face Of this
airth jim Crane takes the cake. Squaw
gone. shack gone. mule gone, and yit with
chance 10 bOTrer gun he comes 10 ne
hOWlin' fur jesticei He don't ask fur a
gun. he don't shoot anybody. ne don't
even hunt up them as aespoiled him and
try game OF bluff. Durn my hide. but /
can't sit still as l think Of IT, He WantIl'
the law on a man who had stole his mulc.
Kin the records OF the world beat that?
Jim Crane. you boneless eritteF OF a cow
ard, stand w.
But. jedge"-began jim as he arose.
'Shet up!' shouted the court Thar
haint kyOte In the West who'd stop 10
snin al your carkass. dead or alive, and j
amt goin' TO waste no time on you. The
SeDtence OF lnis Ccuit y Ahal you De
turned loose across the creek. and that
the seven Chineymen in this town De
turned loose on you, each armed with a
cad. And I'm sayin' to them seven Chi
neymen that I'll be thar 20 see, and II
they don't whop and haste and walIop
you till YOU cry fur mercy-if they don't
fol!er at your hsels-fur a fun five miles
layln IL on 10 you al every jump-Til haul
every one Of 'em up here and give 'eEn a
hundred straps with my own hand. The
prisoners are discharged from custody
without nuthin' bein' said ag'in 'eFn. and
we will now adjourn 10 see the sentence
duly carried out"
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

S-'4 iHe Campaign would advertise the
GARDEN Seeds and bring him into Touch
WIN his Fellow-Man. Later on he got
MO many a Touch.
d. Was surprising how the Voters rallied
~ H.m. lie was swamDed with Pledges
- support When be was Nominated, lie
,'..-s-i Dee had a Chance. A Week later
.' began % make a List OF the Plums 10
~ distributed. Three Days before Elec-
-..r il had all the Ear-Marks OF Land
-.'-e. IL Was only a Question or Majori-
CO. Iie had the JOB nailed down on four
t--.e ana then ciinched underneath. IL
gu over except a few faint Cries OF
g-l and then being Sworn In.
~ san out every Night with a lot az
t-fHHelcrs and Mayhem Specialists.
E-Y showed him how 20 convert his
r,''4y Money into Popularity lie WAS
.'-l slayer, SO hc had 10 take Settler at
80. Stop. lie would come Home all
49, '.atlg4 worse than a Soda Fountain
'- "tla DIS Pockets full OF pale. danger
-'plAs Cigars that MS Wife had TO
100 from his Clothes vita Pair OF
~, Times Ee wondered IL the Other
-" would SET any Votes al all.
$40 whole Body Of Registered Voters
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

From the Ssz YoFk Mail snA Express
On West Broadway l. an undertaker's
establishment which attracts attention BIZ
its neaIness. The front has been freshly
painted and the glass Of the two windows
Is crystalline in It's eleaFness.
In each window is displayed the usual
underfaker's advertisement, a casket
These are OF the latest design and dsep-
est mourning. Above each casket hans
a new silk American flag. and in the cen
ter o. each nag Is q iife-slze portrait ~
Bryan's face. They are nice pictures hui
their position Is too significant for Demo.
efSts 70 look Al with any degree u COM
tort.
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

had fed, and tried TO figure out that it
would require the Official Count to decide.
They had to lead him Home. He did not
want TO face his Wife. The Other Man
was 1900 ahead ana still Running.
Instead of taking it as Joke, the same
as Other People did, he got Sore on HUI
manity in General, and joined a Third
Party, that was Opposed to anything you
could mention.
Moral-Don't Bank on a Certainty un-
til The Goods are Delivered.
Copyright 1900. by Robert Howard Russell)
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07
here IL Fell shori.

From the Chiosso fi'nes-Heraid
"Wel," said the prominent citizen
proudly. after having conducted his yisi-
tor around in one Of this finest automo-
blles ever built what DO you think OF
the place, anyway
"Oh. It's quite a metropolis in some re-
speets. Still. OF course. It's really only a
one-horse Iewn, after all.
.W-h-what!" gasped the man VINO had
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

FFom the chieaz3 Times-Hsszld
Passengers over the Wallace avenue
and Center street line Of the City Rail-
way compspys system who Travelled on
car No. rs had novel experience yester-
day-thsy could hear themselves talk
wiihoa sho1ting This Was the effect Of
new ses Of wheels tried exPedmentally.
The feeret OF the absence Of noise was
In the layer Of paper PLACED bst.ssn the
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

A ziisstl gin harvester. foSn from ths North.
sxy % hhs asesr eeaiss ''c9ias yei Come fosthis
TbSa b4Fk 20 ni3 ain4aen essT tbsm sway
Asd Dc thsn Eot ses thsm Tor naay ssy.
Bas sksh EsFsh Is assolsts. saddsnsa. sHa grsy,
Ana sAissfs " naksdasss. iheh "a ny ssy
70 sd tks s~s~s ssez y tts bsssefhs - fassra.
iaesrEsst Ia sEes1azsa. The World 70 sdoFa
-Edas klnssisy Hsiisss is TsusA
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07
WUd1rn
Fables.

~ nee upon time the King Pins
o. a Great party decided that
the city ticket could not be
~ elected. % they decided TO Rec
ognlzs The Better Element II
n had hen an air-tight Cinch, The Noui-
nations would have gone to the Boys who
90 The Fine Work.
In A Residence street which had JUST
On, In Asphalt and which had Cast Iron
pee ln Eearly every Front Yard. as
tlebt Concession 10 Art, there lived
Nt-e Man VINO vas In the Garden Seed
Tr.lgass lie said Whom" and wore
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

Skiff comes along. He finds a shack with
out anybody into it and a mule without
an owner. He packs up all he kin lay
hands on. eats everything layin' around
loose, and then goes out to the shaft and
COY 70
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

But / do say that If the majority Of
the electors of this country make a mis-
take at the polls in November bloodshed.
bankruptcy, and anarchy may follow.
" bile we differ In particulars, we are
agreed upon a whole. and that whole is
is (pause) that whole, feilow-patriots,
is-that is--that is-er-'
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

with a determination mistaken by
prophecies Of evil. with heart undaunt-
ed by danger. with his trust In a being
higher than man. Columbus finally Sc,
out on his memorable voyage. We give
him credit as a dscoyerer. but we fail
10 give him credit-to give him credit
say we fall to giye-you will agree with
me that We fail to give him credit for
fOr-b
The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-11-07

1t was another breakdown. A dog i'm q
neighbours back yard howled dismally
The cat under the piano arched her back
and dug her claws into the carpet and
wondered why she had not noted these
signs Of insanity before. Mrs. Bowser
could hear all the cuss words and the
heavy breathing. and she wondered If No.
Bowser would knock the face off the new
seveE-day clock before he got through
with it. He walked about for awhile. and
then HIS mind seemed to suddenly grasp
the missing link.
The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1900-05-18
DAMRoscH SOCIETY CONCERT.
An Excellent Programme at the Co
Iumbia Theatre.

An Excellent Programme at the CO.
Iumbia Theatre.
A large audience gathered last night at
the Columbia Theatre at the occasion CT
the concert given by the Damrosch So
ciety. The programme was made espe-
cially interesting by the rendering of
several numbers by the baritone singer,
Giuseppe Campanari Of the Grau Opera
Company. The prologue from Leon
cavalio's Il Pagliacch'' displayed ex-
quisite sympathetic qualities. and his per-
feet control in yocaliZiDg AS an encore
it was followed with the tOreador song
from Carmen" Other numbers rendered
by the singer were two selections from
Quaranta, '.Vespero." and "Lasciali dir"
and Tosti's "Sognai." selection from
the opera THE Barber of Seville" was
given as an encore.
Anton kaspar, in violin solo, "Zige-
cunerweisen'' (Sarasate). displayed his
mastery of technique. THE Farewell OF
Hiawatha" arthur Foote), with baritone
solo by Otto j. ]. Leubkert, was the most
ambitious effort of the Damrosch Society.
The narrative parts of the musical poem
were sung by the society, while the reci-
rational was rendered by Mr.. Leubkert in
a voice of excellent and expressive quail
ity, defective only through tendency to
contrast spasmodicalIy the lights and
shades of tone. madrigal by Thomas
Moore, to the music Of Max Spicker.
elected much applause Other numbers
rendered by the society were Might
Witchery,' Storch; Springs Net Geld
mark; "A Vintage Song" from Men
dclsschn's ''Loreley"; My Pretty Maid"
w. ii. Neidlinger; 'Estudantina," La
come.
The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1900-05-18
ATTORNEY DUVALL'S OPINION.
Authority of the Commissioners TO
Permit the StrinSinE of Wires.


The Western Union Telegraph Company
recently applied to the District Commits
sioners fer permission to stretch branch
cable from the second electric light pole
west of Eleventh Street to the Times Blu Id
ing TO string loop from their cable pole
at the corner of Eleventh and Streets
northwest to the City Postoffice Bui. ding,
ard to string an aerial cable from its Of
flee at the corner of Fourteenth and f
Streets northwest to the Evening Star
Building.
This request was referred by the Com
missioners TO the Attorney fer the District
to ascertain their legal rights in the case
Mr. Duvall submitted his opinion yes.erday
in which he takes the ground that The
Commissioners have the right to grant the
permission desired. The Attorney refers
to the act of Congress approved july "a,
1858, known as the National Telegraph
Act" which provides:
That any telegraph company now Or
gauized or which may hereafter be or
ganized under the laws of any State in the
Union, shall have the right to construct,
maintain. and operate lines of telegraph
through and over any portion of the public
domain of the United States, and along any
of the military or post roads of the Urited
Al
after be declared such by act CT Congress,
etc.
Mr.. Duvall then refers to the case OF
Hewitt ct al. against the Western Union
Telegraph Company "a Mack, 42i) ana
continues:
THE Supreme Court OF the District Of
Columbia held in this case that the West
ern Union Telegraph Company was en-
titled TO the benefit of said act of Congress.
that the said act was applicable to tn,
District of Columbia. and that the Com
missioners being charged with the super
vision of the streets, the control and reg
ulation OF them, it was appropriate that
they should see that in the eXetc So OF the
right granted by law, there was no in
fringement of the correlative rights of the
public, and that the right. when exercised,
should be exercised in due subordination
of the rights of others. and in conformity
to such regulations and prescriptions as
should ensure the least possible injury to
the rights of any individual or the rights
Of travel and convenience to the general
public 1t was therefore eminently sppro-
and that the thing should be dGne in sub
ordination to and with the consent and ap-
proval Of the judgment Of the Commission
erS.
Tho Commissioners are. however. with
out authority to grant permit for st ing
ing any wires or cables over private prop
erty. and with such a reservation expressed
therein, am of the opinion that the Com-
missioners are authorized TO grant the de-
sired permit
The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1900-05-18

To be comfortable these days. have Heurith's
Macrzen, Senate, or Lager in your ice chest
Phone G3i, Arlington Bottling Co.