Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1900-11-08
THE MAN WITH THE
STRIPED SHIRT.

associate after the stenographer had
left the room in tears to receive the
condolences OF the temporarily dis
charged office boy. And yet" he
continued, there is no yellow tinge
to your skin and your eyes are bright
and your hand steady. No one would
believe that you were suffering from
an active fit of remorse and had deter
mined to take 1t out OF all the depend
ent humanity that crossed your billous
path, to look at you. Why don't you
go across the way to the drug store
and take something for IT."
Its not that" said the disgruntled
man, passing his hand YEARLY across
his forehead. Its my shirt"
Then l have no sympathy to offer.
A man of your ordinary intelligence
ought to know enough to take a pen
knife and make a new buttonhole II
the neckband is too large for your col
lar. and if it's simply case of fray
you can easily dampen Ii and take the
starch out of it. There's no use OF you
coming up here and raising Ned about
that"
If you had an instantaneous bleach
ing process to suggest you might help
me- observed the other man. "As it
is I'm conscious that I've got on a
thing with purple stripes, and I'd be
willing to exchange 1T for one of hair
cloth. 1t wouldn't have nearly the
distressing effect on me. / wasn't born
TO the PURPLE had it thrust upon me.
But | got under its influence five min
utes after l had put It on, and half
killed an innocent kitten that came and
conhdingly wiped It's little pink nose
on my trousers. That's the trouble
with me, the inability to size UP a
garment before it has actually passed
into my possession, and my cowardly
and parsimonious aversion to throw
ing it away when it tortures me to look
at it. It's bad enough with anything,
hut with shirt it's maddening Shirts
have always been the bane of my life"
In what respect?" asked the silent
partner.
"In every respect l have to buy
them ready-made because a man has
to take off his coat and Waistcoat and
put them on again afterward to get
measured, and my doctor tells me to
avoid all unnecessary exertion on ae-
count of my heart, so to a certain
extent | have to take a chance on a
fit That's good suggestion of yours
about the buttonholes, however. We'll,
then there's the pattern and color. 1t
isn't once in three times that / get
anything that on the second thought
satisfies me. Then, as / say, l haven't
the sand to throw anything away.
say to myself that I'll save it for an
emergency, and l find that the emre-
gency happens about twice a week. If
/ get on a shirt that suits me I'm as
happy as a king and my heart sings
within me, but the wrong color throws
me off just as you see me this morn
ing. Doesn't it ever affect you that
way?"
Never
''Well, l suppose mine is peculiar
case. | wish | could find some remedy
for it, It's no use for me to cover the
horror up with necktie and put on a
pair of white cuffs; the world may be
deceived, but l know that it's there"
Then why don't you stick to the
plain white shirts?"
Heaven help me! l cannot" sighed
the victim despondently. Il have con-
tracted the colored appetite and It's
too late. can wear white shirt just
as | can drink a glass of milk. l
know that if were in normal con-
dition l would be happy and contented
to veal. them, but as it is have per-
petual craving for the stimulus for
something pink or blue, with bars or
figures or stripes on it. Although l
know that it will hurt me, lower my
moral tone and render me unfit for de-
cent society, / will even take a shirt
with red and black horseshoes on 1t
or mix with my fellow man spotted
with yellow polka dots rather than don
the pure innocent white of happier
days.
II remember so well my first shirts
Il mean the first that were built after
the pattern of the adult garment. |
only wore them on Sundays, Of course,
but it used to be well into the middle
of the week before l recovered from
my misery. 1t was bad enough to be
got ready to have myself ignomin-
iously bathed by my mother, who was
the most reckless woman with soap /
ever saw, and who consistently put
most Of 1t into my eyes; and there was
the further ordeal of having my hair
and the upper part of my face brushed
with a stiff, bristly brush; but these
tortures were insignificant when COM
pared with the agonies that the shirt
caused me to suffer. The shirt Of
Nessus was fool to 1t. My shirt was
made by a woman who had raised
seven boys of her own and was consid-
cred an authority. She was an eco
nomical woman, and didn't believe in
wasting any unnecessary muslin, so
that there was never enough tail to 1t
to make it balance properly, and It fit
round the neck like Turkish bow
string in the moment of the Sultan's
wrath. 1t was done up at home, of
course, and mother was as prodigal Of
starch as she was of soap, so that it
stuck together like porus plaster to
its cover, from stem to stern, and the
neckband was a quarter of an inch
thick. The hired girl generally tore it
apart and helped me on with it. She
had long finger nails, and in buttoning
the collar she invariably got hold of a
fold Of my skin and tried to push it
through the buttonhole
Then they sent me out to Sunday
school, choking and sore, and expected
me to get benefited by it. 1 can re-
member how | had TO sit there withou.
being able to move my head indepeuG-
emily of the rest OF me for fear of cut