Rock Island Argus., 1900-10-20
CLERICAL STORIES.
HUMOROUS INCIDENTS NOTED BY AN
ENGLISH CLERGYMAN.

| "An Irishman of the full blood can
not resist an opportunity for repartee,
no matter how solemn>t occasion or
what his surroundings" said an Eng
| lish clergyman. 4 visitor in Washing
| ton, the other day, when the converse
| ton turned on the funny experiences
| OF clergymen and the humor that
creeps into matters connected with the
| church.
Il was assisting an old friend of
| mine, the rector of a church in Ireland,
one Sunday, and before the service We
We're in the veStry room putting on our
| robes, with the old sexton, a shriveled
up Irishman of the perfect type, as
sisting. My friend, who was some
what old, was little testy that morn
ing, and somehow the sleeve of his
surplice got mixed up. Notwithstand-
ing the asSiduous efforts of the old SEX
ton to direct his arm to the right hole
the two would not connect. Finally,
losing patience, my friend said sharp
ly: oh, the old boys in the thing
"The old sexton frightened up and,
looking over at me, with a twinkle in
his eye, said as quick as lightning, Not
yit, your riYerince.'
1T restored the good humor of the
situation, and the vestment was proper
ly adjusted.
"The only time ever heard 4 congre-
CATION laugh unrestrainedly during the
regular services in Il cathedral was
back in the eighties, when 1 was a
resident of dear. dirty Dublin. On one
Sunday morning the bishop of Cork
preached. He was splendid man. an
Irishman to the backbone and possess
ed of as fine n brogue as ever diStin-
gushed n son of Erin. His congrega-
ton was made up Of the very essence
of fashion in Dublin. which, In those
days. was one of the greatest social
centers of the werld. Notoriously, pCo-
pie We're living beyond their means. for
the income from the landed estates of
Ireland had taken a big tumble. But
that made no difference, and good
dressing went as n matter of course
and was one of the smallest of the eX-
travagances. The bishop preached on
the subject of extravaganza and spoke
particularly of overdressing. His ser
mon was a bitter arraignment of the
sin of debt and the wickedneSs of set
ting the heart on fashion and dress.
and wound up this particular reference
this way:
"'Now, supposing every one of ye-
every one, man and woman-should
stand up in this church. take off the
clothes ye have not paid for, just walk
in out with the things on your back ye
scarecrows ye'd be-
significance of the suggestion had per
colated through the members of his
congregation, then some one snickered.
Every one was picturing to himself and
herself the real scene that would occur
should the bishops idea be carried inte
effect while wife looked at husband
and members of each family nudged
one another. The ludicrous side was
Irresistible and the laugh was general.
81 once attended church at Whalley.
q little village on the borders of Ian
cashire and Yorkshire, in England. The
church. which had been a part of the
old abbey, was built in the year 1OGG
and is today one of the most interest
ing sacred edifices in Great Britain.
The rector was a Mr.. Whitaker, very
old, very stout and very deaf. He had
occupied the living for so years, and
while he generally appeared in church
and took some part in the services, he
was able to afford the luxury of Gu
rate and was always glad to secure the
services of n friend to preach. On one
occasion gentleman 1 knew very well
was to officiate. 1t was his custom to
limit his sermon to 20 minutes, preach
ing ex tempore, and always took out
his watch and his pocket handker-
chief. placing them beside him before
commencing This he did as usual.
and, finding 4 very convenient little
round receptacle, stuffed the handker-
chief into it. laid the watch on top and
fired away.
THE congregation was surprised to
see the old rector, who was sitting at
the bottom desk of the three decker
erection, which l suppose still stands
right in the center and half way down |
the aiSle-not in the chancel, as in the
modern churches-become very uneasy
in his seat. He squirmed around and
looked up, though every one knew |
quite we'll that he could not hear a |
word of the sermon. Finally he beck |
oned to the black gowned old verger
who carried n long wand, and whis- |
Dered to him. The verger ascended |
the pulpit and in turn interrupted the |
sermon by n whispered conversation |
with the preacher, who was seen to |
suddenly grasp his pocket handker-
chief and watch, smile and nod, and |
then projected with his sermon. He |
had filled the receiver of the old rec
tors ear trumpet. which connected |
with tube to the lower desk. and the |
rector had been unable to tell whether /
any sermon was going on or not
Washington Post
Hope For Him.
"Have you ever tried to reduce your |
feshT