Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-07
AN EMpERoR'S NC 81
BY VI. Quad.

By NJ. Quad.
Copyright, 1900, by C. B. 1Lewis)
Two years before the outbr eak o. the
Franeo-Prussian war and tn, downfall
of the last Napoleon an American
named James Birney landed. in Paris
from New York. He was W hat might
be called a general utility Inan. He
had been a small merchants In Michi-
gan, a ~bookkeeper in Ohio, a manufac-
turer in Indiana and an editor in Iowa.
He was a good natured, es sy going
man, taking. life as he found it and
making no kicks. If he got a dollar
ahead, he would find some xnew excuse
to get rid of it; il he was, behind the
game his creditors would Ii ave to ex-
tend his account. Nobody called him
smart, but e~~ybody said; he had a
strong FUND of humor and PHILOSOPHY.
When a man in Cincinnati ii invented
a bullet proof vest, Mr.. BIZ ney some
how got hold of the Europea n agency
that Is, he went to Paris sat least to
bring the patent directly to the atten-
ton of the French emperor, who was
always on the lookout for mt litary nov
elites. The Americans chez k and per-
sistency secured him an alu Hence after
weeks of red tape. He I'd Insisted
that he would not deal with the minis
ter of wal or any other official and was
at last granted an audience with the
emperor. 1t was in the wal office. and
several cabinet officials we re present.
A musket was lying on a, table. and
Napoleon greeted the agend with,
Wei, sir what about this bullet
proof vest?"
I have it here, you majesty" was
the reply as the vest was 4 held I'm tn
view" s..
Put it on" II
With pleasure" I
Now go to the farthersend Of the
ROOM.
Certainly, your majesty"
NOW, Sir continued the emperor as
ne lifted up the musket, Il stm going to
hre at your breast. Are you willing to
take the chances?"
Fire away!!"' was the re- ply.
The emperor fired, and al though ne
bullet did not penetrate the shield the
force of it knocked Birney head over
heels and put him out of itSfor the next
ten minutes. We it wasSaecided that
the vest was moi a successd the Ameri-
cans nerve excited such admiration
that he was given 4 handstm e present
in cash and graciously dis missed. He
seemed to want to say SO netting to
the emperor before he left the room.
but did not have opportui hity. Early
the next day, however, he bobbed up
at the war Office for an interview with
the minister. t
1T is no USE" said that official as he
gave him a minute. THE xemperor has
decided that he will not buy the vest"
II knew that yesterday, of course
replied Birney. Il am not here about
the vest, but altogether ANOTHER thing.
The fact is I do not like NaDoleon's
nose, and want to improve It."
Mon Diu, man. but What do you
say" exclaimed the minister as he
sprang to his feet.
Il say that the emepor>sf nose rs off
and that | car prove it. i wanted to
tell him so the other day. .sput he hus-
tied me out too quick. Car you bring
about another interview"
The emperor's nose? You say it is
| wrong. You say you can fill it? Man,
what mean you?"
Il mean just what l say" calmly re-
piled Birney. Il am not a surgeon, but
several years ago | invented a little at
tachment to cure a badly shaped nose.
1t has been tried in half a dozen cases
and proved Itself a big success. l
ught one along with me-, not know
ing what might run up az gainss and
if you will give the emperor a hint
Mon Dieu. Mon Dieu!" gasped the
minister as he looked at TIL American
with wonder and terror in his yes. Then
| you have gone crazy, You are out of your
| mind. You do not know what you say"
II am all right from head TO heel. my
| dear sir, and 1 can't understa ud your ag-
itation. What's the matter with my
scheme for improving the emp eror 'snos
The minister rang his bell with nervous
| hand. and a minute later Birney was out
on the sidewalk with a flea in his ear
| that is, he was told to take himself off or
he would be locked up as an in sane person.
1t was rather a setback for him, and it
| took him a day or two to get over ii, but
he finally came up smiling. If the minis
ter would not help him out. there were
other officials who would. FTe tried two |
or three Of them, with the insult that he
| was eventually hailed before the chief of
police. Thai official probably sized him |
/ up correctly. for he said to him:
You do not realize what YOU are doing. |
Don't you understand that you can be
| sent to prison for this? You 40 not appear |
to have lost your mind. and you are no
| fool, and the best thing you, can do is TO |
! get out of Paris at once"
But what is the crime? ?" al gued Birney. |
All l have done is to say that 1 can i'm
prove on the emperor's noses Can a man
be sent to prison in France for that?"
He can, sir, as 1 wish to make you UNI !
derstand. You must not tai this way.
| You have made trouble for yourself, and
you had best get away as 500 n as possible.
Should the emperor himself hear of your
insulting words you would b4s sent to some
fortress for five or ten year s."
Shoe. You don't say, But you French
men are queer people! Well ] don't want
to- Paris fU = few day 3 yet, but I'll
keep still about Napoleon:z nose. / had