The Portland daily press., 1900-01-12
YEARNEo TO BE WICKED.
The Sad but Instructive Tale of .
Nee Young Man.

For several reasons Theodore Ginny,
aged 10. had made the thickest kind Of
hit rs the gay young man about town IN
a village Of 300 natives. He was the only
one of the family on the band wagon.
The rest put In ten hours a day and paid
board; yet, with the snap he had, Theo
was lobster in the pink Of condition.
Sometimes of an evening he guzzled rs
many as two conclaves-half soda water
and half mik-nnd then poured on top OF
them n queen charlotte. composed entire
ly of sweet soda, with a squirt Of rasp-
berry strip to make it real red.
The constable, who drove an express
wagon day times and wore the star at
night, had shelltsh OF his own, and on
this account Theodore was able to rule
the town and boast loudly Of his drag.
He played a plugged alto horn in tho
band, wore store clothes, aud a whale
backed lady who could claim no ties OF
blood or marriage washed his white shirts
for him at so much per. Sometimes she
got it per shirt, again per week and more
often perhaps.
Whenever Theodore was strong enough.
he sent his collars and cuffs to the Troy
laundry in the city and created furore
calling for them at the express office Sat
urdny evenings.
While making these frightful scars on
the primrose path our young lobster just
ached to yell rah! rah! and be mistaken
for n member OF the student body. His
parents could have wrenched their bank
account jamming him through n uniyer-
sity, with others like him, but they got
wise TO his lack of savyy, and so saved
the money.
He hadn't the gall to wear a white
plug hat with 30 painted on it in pink,
because the town had no college. Theo
couldn't have told a curriculum from
cuppy lie in two recitations, and when he
tried to pass an ordinary bunch of talk
off on polite society he needed the sery-
ices of a middle man. Still, when not in
his cups, Theodore was inclined to be
quite heroic, often driving his mother
about the village at fast walk in her
side bar buggy, with one leg dangling
over the side.
Meanwhile Theodore remained In q
waking dream. He thought he was up
against the higher education anyhow.
He raised pimples and eluded the barber
until his hair struggled down his back.
His room was filed with corncob pipes.
horse skulls and swords. He wore
badge of the Dum-Dum fraternity on his
chest and often sat up all night to yell.
I On the day of the big intercollegiate
football match in the city Theo burrow-
ed into the push, wearing yellow mack
intosh, two chrysanthemums, tin horn
and cane with ribbons on It, From
noon until midnight his face was never
shut. and after the game he ran amuck
in the Tenderloin.
He looked like real student on the
rampage. and when a coarse hackman re-
marked, There's a sissy for your life
so that Theo could hear him, his bosom
sweled with pride, and he went back to
the village a made man. In one day and
at nominal expense he completed the
boned smelt. founder, clam and lobster
courses and was ready for the San Juan
hill of life.
Soon after graduating Theo accepted
lucrative portfolio as rear brakeman on
a gravel train and has been a good pro-
wider ever since.-St Louis Star