The Colfax chronicle., 1900-12-01
ALazy Pike County Man
1.-THE intelligence of Pike coun-
Hiram Lampson's Attempt to Get Q
Living Easily.

when the agent for big curcus
came up here early this spring try
ing to collect five animals in general,
but with a special yearning for wild
cats and bears. He offered good prices,
but the boys, knowing the difficulties
of the case, didn't take much interest
in his scheme. So everyone was sur
prised when Hiram Lampson, who has
the reputation of being the LATEST man
in the whole county, spoke up and al
lowed he would furnish the agent with
bears and wildcats enough to meet
the demands of any ten circuses.
Il amt so foolish as / look said
Hiram, when demonstrated with him.
Who is the best ventriloquist in this
county?
"'You are responded.
"'And who is the best mimicY he
asked.
"'You are, Hiram Lampson,' l an
swered him, impatient like. And you
are the biggest fool, too. Do you pro-
pose to give an entertainment for the
benefit of Pike county bears, and
charm them SO that they will be will
ing to let you sell them to any circus
agent who happens to be in the vicin-
ity? Your undoubted Talents may
amuse a Sunday school class, but they
won't carry you far along the Pike
county bear and wildcat theatrical cir
cult, which seems to be your intention
to organize
Hiram looked hurt at my flow of
sarcasm.
Its no wild animal vaudeville en-
tertainment I'm going to get up, dea-
CON- he said, earnestly. My plan is
based on the understanding of wild
animal nature acquired sitting around
in the woods on warm summer days
when prejudiced observers thought
ought to be p,owing. My muscles
weren't very busy then, to be sure, but
my intellect was working overtime
Il was clean puzzled to see how Hi
ram was going to catch either bears
or wildcats by means of ventriloquism
or mimicry. After making me prom
ise not to give his plan away, he un-
folded his scheme.
During these spring months what
are Pike county animals busiest about"
he asked.
"'Most of them are devoting their
energies to looking after promising
families said 1.
"'To be sure, deacon. to be sure an
swered Hiram, with the air of man
who has gained an important point
in an argument. Now take the case
with bears. Will an old bear, an ex-
perienced bear, wander into any trap
devised for the catching alive of un-
suspecting bruins? But if bear thinks
its cub is in the trap it will blunder
right ahead and so be trapped and ex-
changed for good money for the bene-
At of an intelligent but over-modest
hunter
Even then didn't see through Hi
rams plan. 4 don't see,' / argued,
how you are going to get your cubs.
Even the youngest and least suspicious
Of bear wives or mothers will look
with doubt on your plan of starting a
bear creche with her cubs. And it's
certain no wildcat is going to COM
NIT her kittens to the tender mercies
of Hiram Lampson. Day schools and
nurseries are all right in their way,
but / don't believe you can ever make
them popular with Pike county wild
cats
Nonsense, deacon said Hiram, i'm
patiently. It's not a training school
tor teaching the bear cub or wildcat
kitten idea to shoot that I'm after.
mean to bring my active intellect and
justly famed powers of mimicry into
play. Down at the end of the big
gulch will build a pen with little
door to it. Then will get up tree
and initiate tho crying of bear cup
in distress. The call will seem to come
from the pen. Any mother bear that
hears 1t will hike for that pen, and
won't rest until she has explored the
Inside. Once inside, that bear will
stay until she is exchanged for shek-
els for the benefit of Hiram Lampson.
And the same scheme will work all
right with wildcats. Once let me get
my plan in working order and any
famine in the wild animal supply can
promptly be averted br applying to
your Uncle Hiram
Il was more than shS sed at the
moral callousness of the man and the
way he gloated over the prospective
breaking up of happy, if belligerent,
families. Hiram Lampson,' i said to
him. solemnly. it's playing on the ten
derest emotions of mother bears that
you are proposing. It's using the
mother love of unwary wildcats to
draw them into captivity. You may
prosper in your ungodly scheme for
awhile, but in-the end fate will reach |
out and grab you by the neck and |
twist it,
'But did my solemn and xvel,- l,-chor