The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1900-02-25

Mr.. Dooley was reading the war news
not our war news, but the war news we
are interested in-when Mr.. Hennessy in
terrupted him to ask, whats a war ex-
pert ?"
"A war expert" said Mr. Dooley, 'is
man We niver heerd iv befure. If we can
think iv annywan whose face is unfa-
milyar to We an We don't raymimber his
name, an he's got job on a paper We
didn't know was published, he's a war
expert lis a har-rd Office to fill. Whin
war begins tn temptation is sthrong FIR
ivry man to grab hold Nv a gun an go
to tn fr-ront. But tn war expert has
to subjoo his cravin' FIR blood. He says
to himsilf, Lave others seek tn luXuries
Nv life In camp, he says. FIR thin tn
boat races acrost tn Tugela tn romp
over tn kopje, an tn game iv lager.
laager, who's got tn lager? he says. I
will stand be me country, he says,
Close he says. If it falls he says, it
will fall on me- he says. An he buys
himsilf map made be a fortune teller in
a dhream, a box Nv pencils an a field
glass an goes an looks FIR job as a war
L
don't know We. Ye must be a war expert,
he says. I am says TIL la-ad. Was
We liver in a WARP says tn editor I've
been in nawthin else,' says tn la-ad
'Durin' tn Spanish-American war 1 held
a good job as dramatic critic in Ded-
ham, Massachusetts, he says. 'Whin tn
bullets flew thickest in tn Soodan l was
epoortin' editor iv tn Chrtstyan Advo-
cate he says. I passed through tn
Franco-Prooshan war an held me place,
an whin tn Turks an Rooshans was at
each others threats 1 used to lay out tn.
campaign ivry day on checker board
he says War he says. has no turrors
f'r me, he says. 'Yere tn man FIR tn
money. says tn editor. An he gets tn
Job.
Thin tn war breaks out In earnest.
No mather how NANNY Is kilt anything
that happens befure the war expert gets
ITO wurruk is only what we might call a
preliminary skirmish He sets down an
bites tn end of his pencil an looks acrost
tn Sthreet an watches man paintfn' a
sign. Win tn man gets through be goes
TO tn window an waits to see whether tn
polsman that whit into tn saloon is
afther dhrink or saryin' a warrant If
he comes Fright out tbs a warrant Thin
he sets back in a chair an figures out
that tn pitchers on tn wall paper ARE
all alike ivry third row. Whin his mind
is thurly tuned up be these intricate
problems he dashes to his desk an writes
what you an I read tn mex day in TIL
papers
Clarence Pontoon tn military expert
~ tn London Mornin' Dhram, reviewin'
Gin'ral Buffers position on tn Tugela
says: 1T is manifest firm tn dispatches
tellin' that Gin'ral Butler has crost tn
Tugela river, that Gin'ral Butler has crost
tn Tugela river. This we r-read in spite
iv tn cinsor. TIL question is which side
he has crost to. On Friday he was on
TIL north side in tn mornin' an on tn
south side at night an in tn river at
noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah morn
IN. TIL presumption Is that they was
nawthin' to hear. Therefore it IS aisy to
imagine Gin'ral Butler f1ndin his posi-
ton on tn north side ontenable an his
position on tn south side onbeara BILE, is
thransportin' his troops up tn river on
RATS an Is now engagin' tn inimy be-
tween Spitzozone an Rottenfontein. two
imminsely sthrong points. All this d.
monsthrates tn footility an foolishness
iv attimptin' to carry frontal position
agains' large, well-fed Dutchmen with
mud in tn fr-ront iv thin.
ct calcIate it wud require 100000
a manoover, tin Beers ARMED with pop
bottles bein' now considhered tn excl Nv
a brigade. What wud do If l was Bull
Ter, an I thank hivin I'm not, wud be
move me- ARMY in hale an hour over
tn high but aisily accessible mountains
to tn right " r'r.>tv',iov forces, an
takin' off me boots so they couldn't hear
tnim squeak, creep up behind tn Dutch
an lam their heads off Afther this
pt, ry,1I .ho Of 70
~ Fr-rinchi Gatacre, Methoon. an Wins
ton Churchill togither some afthernoon,
invite TIL inilny TO band concert. sur
FOUND an massacre thin. This adrCit
move cud be iXtcutel If Roberts wud on y
make use Nv tn excillint bus sarvice be-
tween :Hokesnlith an Mikesmith. 1t is
extraordinary that tn gin'ral on tn
groun' has not seen tn possibilities so
apparent at q distance
That's wan kind fv war expert, Hin
missy. Another kind Is tn wan that
gives it good to tn COVER mint. Says
William McGlue, war expert Nv tn Lon
don Mcrnin Growl, who's supposed TO
be cheek be jowl with Lord Wolseley:
'Englands greatness is slippin' away.
TIL failure iv tn gover'mint TO provide
a wel-equipped. thruly pathriotic ARMY
iv Beers to carry on this war undher tn
leadership iv gallant Joooert is goin' tc
be our roonatton. We ARE betrayed be
a lazy effete, side-whiskered, golf-playin'
cover mint that Wud rather lose this fight
thin win it because they ARE tired Nv
holdin' Office. What can be said FIR pub.
lie men so lost to shame that they spell
kopje with a sc" an ARE sindin'
Englishmen to tn ends iv tn wurruld tc
fight FIR England. Down with thin!
We'll, sir, it's great thing FIR
country to have tn likes Nv thin
ar-round to direct manoovers that'd be
gatherin' dust on tn shelf If tn gin-rals
had their say, an to prove to tn ,wurruld
that III English ARE not frivolous, eX-
citable people like US an tn Frinch, but
can take a batin' without irsin' their
heads"
Sure" said Mr.. Hennessy, "'tis not
thin that does tn f1ghtin'. TIL la-ads
with tn guns has that job"
WELL" said Mr.. Dooley, "they'se two
kinds iv hghtin'. TIL experts wants tn
army to get into Pretoria dead or alive,
an tn sojers wants to get in alive. I'm
no military expert, Hinnissy I'm too
we'll known. But have me own opinyon
on TIL war. All this talk about tn rapid
fire gun an modhern methods iv war
fare makes me wondher. They Sc not SO
much diff rence between war now an
war whin I was kid as they let on. TIL
aun that shoots We best firm a distance
don't shoot We so well close to- A pile "
mud is pile iv mud now just tn same
as 1t was whin GinraI Grant was pokin'
ar-round If tn British can get over tn
mud pile they win tn fight. If they can't
they're done. That's all theyse to 1t.
Mos men, strongest backs, best eyes
an tn ownership Nv tn mud piles That's
war, Hinnissy. TIL British have tn
men. They're shy of backs. eyes an mud