Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-05-13
MR.. DooLEY ON ALCOHOL AS
FOOD.
ny +. p. Dunno.

Copyrighted, 1900s by Robert Howard rus
sell.
IF man come into this saloon"
Mr.. Hennessy was saying.
This amt no saloon" Mr.. Dooley
interrupted This is a RESTRAINT"
"A what?" Mr.. Hennessy exclaimed.
"a resthrant," said Mr.. Dooley. "Ye
don't know, Hlnnissy, that liquor is
food. 1t is though. Food-an'
dhrink. That's what a doctor says
in tn papers, an another doctor
wants tn COVER mint to sind tubs iv
tn stuff down to tn Ph'lipeens. He
says I'll salmost issintial that people
shud dhrink in thin hot climates. TIL
prespiration don't dry on thin afther
hard pursoot iv Aggynaldoo an tn
capture of Gin'ral antaloons de Gar
shy; they begin to think iv home an
mother sindin' down tn lawn sprink-
Ter to be filled with book, an they go
off somewhere, an not bein' able to
dhry thimsilves with dhrink, they
want to die TIL disease is called
nostalgia or inconsistencies, or thirst.
What we want to do FIR our sojer
boys in tn Ph'lipeens besides KILN
thin, says tn ARMY surgeon, is
make tn place more home-like, he
says. Nanny iv our boys hasn't had
tn deleeryum thremens since we first
planted tn stars an Sthripes, he
says, an tn bay'nits among tn peo-
pie, he says I wud be in favor iv
havin' tn rigimints get their feet
round wanst a week, at laste,' he says.
Lave u.s. he says, reform tn reg'la-
tons, he says an INSTRUCT our So
jers to keep their powdher dhry an
their whistles wet he says.
9TH idee ought to take, Hinnissy,
FIR tn other doctor la-ad has discov-
cred that liquor is food. A man. says
he, can live FIR months on a little
booze taken firm time to time, he says.
'They'se a gr-reat dale ~ nourishment
in It, he says. An / believe him. FIR
manny's tn man I know that don't
think iv eatin' whin he can get a
drink. / wondher If tn time will liver
come whin yell see man sneakin' out
iv tn family entrance iv lunch room
hurridly bitin. clovei People may
get so they'll carry light dinner iv a
bottle iv rye down to their wurruk an
a manll tell We he niver takes more
thin bottle Nv beer f'r breakfast. TIL
cook II give way to tn BARTENDER an
tn doctor II ordher people FIR to ate
on'y at meals. Yell r-read in tn pa
apers that Anton Boozinski, while
crazed with ham an eggs, thried to kill
his wife an childher' On Pathrick's
cvrdday yell see TIL DR.. Tanner Anti
Food Fife an Drum Corpse out at tn
head iv tn procession instead iv tn
Father Macchews, an they'll be places
where man can be took whin he gets
tn monkeys firm immodhrate eatin.
TIL sojers II complain that tn liquor
was unfit to dhrink an they'll be in
quiries to find out who sold embammin'
flood to tn ARMY Poor people II
have simple meals-p'rhaps a bucket iv
bCCl oil q lllIlO Nld u6 IuIuI. ill
yell r-read in tn papers about
poor family found starvin on the
North Side, with nawthin' to sustain
life but wan small bottle iv gin, while
tn head " tn family, a man we'll
known to tn polls, spinds his wages
in low doggery or bakeshop fuddlin'
his brains with custard pie TIL r-rich
II inthrajoose novelties. P'raps they'll
top off fine dinner with little hash
eesh or proosic acid. TIL time1l come
whin yo'll see me in white cap fryin'
a cocktail over a cooksthove, while a
niger hollers to me: 'Dhraw a stock
Nv Scotch, and l boiler back: In tn
fire. Ye will not
That's what | thought" said Mr..
Hennessy.
NO" said Mr.. Dooley. whisky
wudden't be so much iv a luxury if
tvs more iv a necessity. | don't be-
lieve It's food, though whin me frind
Schwartzmeister makes a cocktail all
it needs is few noodles to look like
a billed dinner. No, whisky amt food
| think betther iv 1t thin that. | wud-
dent insult it be placin' it on tn same
low plane as a lobster salad. Father
Kelly puts 1t fright, an years go by
without him lookin on it even at Hal
lowe'en. Whisky says he, is called
tn divle, because, he says, tbs wan
iv tn fallen angels he says. 1T has
its place he says, but it's place is not
in a mans head, says he. 1T ought
to be tn reward iv action, not tn cause
iv it. he says. It's FIR tn end iv tn
day, not TIL beginnin' he says. Hot
whisky is good FIR cold heart. an no
whisky's good FIR hot head he says.
'Th' minyit a man relies on 1t FIR
cruthch he loses tn use w his legs.
'Tis a bad thing to stand on, good
thing to sleep on, a good thing to talk
on. bad thing to think on. If its in
tn head in tn mornin' it ought not to
be in tn mouth at night. If it laughs
in We, drink; if it weeps, swear off.
1t makes some men talk like good wo
men an some women talk like bad
men. 1t is a Twin FIR orators an tn
death iv bookkeepers. 1t doesn't sus-
tain life, but, whin taken hot with
wather, a lump iv sugar, piece Nv
lemon peel an just tn dustin iv a
nutmeg greater, it makes life sustain
able
"D'ye think yeersilf it sustains life?"