The Irish standard., 1900-07-07
LAFF AND GRO PLAT.
Facstious Paragraphs to Produce Smiles
and Chuckles.

rACSuOuS Paragraphs 10 fEO0uCe Smltei
and Chuckles.
"They say" said Mrs. Oldrox, "that
Mr.. Wisherley is coming man." 81
should say he was" her husband
snarled. "He's been coming every
night since Mabel got back from Flo
rida"
Miss Antiquate-You may not be-
lieve it, but 1 refused offers from seven
men during the past six months. Miss
Cutting-Oh, 1 don't doubt it; but what
were they selling?
Strange" began the young author,
whose first novel has just been pub
lished. "What?' queried his friend.
Statistics show that iliteracy among
the masses has diminished 200 per cent
in the last twenty-five years, and yet
my novel remains unread"
81 wish l knew how to manage my
husband" "Why don't you make him
think he's having his own way?" ooh,
l do. But I want him to think that l
think he is having his own way"
Father" said the boy who had been
encouraged to ask questions, what
does the word 'credulity' mean?'
"Credulty," was the answer, "1neans
the ability to go right ahead believing
the weather reports"
Hewitt have been threatened with
appendicitis. Jewett-Who threatened
you, the doctor?
He-I want you to take me seriously.
She'll take you any way you like.
Papa" said little Percy, "why does
MT mamma travel with the circus?'
"Why?" Mr.. Henpeck asked; "what
could she do in circus?" She might
be the strong woman. I heard her tell
ing grandma the other day that she
could wind you around her little finger
just as easy as nothing"
will some one please chase the COW
down this way?" said the funny boarder
who wanted some milk for his oatmeal.
Here, Jane" said the landlady in a
tone that was meant to be crushing,
take the COW down there where the
calf is bawling"
"How's your husband?" man asked
a woman to-day. 20, he's all right, !"
the woman replied, Except when l ask
him for money"
Fuller-Do you think anything can
be more wonderful than Marcon's in
vcntions in wireless telcgraphy? Fuller
Yes, wireless politics.
Smilcs-I'm glad I wasn't Shake
spearc. Giles-Why are you? Smiles
Because l should be dead now. Giles
Yes, that's true-and Shakespeare
would be forgotten.
Minnie-Nellic Gayley has married
one OF the fastest men in town, and
seems to glory in it. Maudie-The
shameless thing! What does he do
drink? Minnie-Er, no; writes short
hand.
Love is blind" murmured Mr.. Meek
ton regretfully. That's nonsense" re-
piled his wife. "When girl falls in
love with man she sees magnificent
qualities in him which none OF her ia
mily can make out, and which become
wholly obscure even to her in the course
of year or So"
Lady, would like "Rienzi's Ad-
Dress" if you have it. Bookseller
Well, there's the city directory. You can
look it up.
Zones, where are you going to es-
cape the summer heat?' Escape the
summer heat? Great governorl I'm
busy just now escaping the collector for
the man who furnished my winter hat -
Census Takcr-What is your age
madam? Mrs. Neighbors-Did the wo-
man next door give her age? Census
Taker-Certainly. Mrs. Neighbors-
Well, I'm two years younger than she is
"By the way, Naggus," asked Borus,
who was lounging in the office OF the
literary editor, what do you consider
the finest piece OF writing in existence?'
"Well," answered the literary editor
with a yawn, "the Ten Commandments
written in a circle of the size of silve,
quarter is about as fine as any I have
ever seem"
Senator Hoar is one OF the wittiest as
we'll as one OF the most learned men in
public life and an inveterate punster
Not long ago he was joined in the cor.
ridor of the capitol by former col.
league in the senate, and as they ap.
preached the entrance to the senate
chamber Mr.. Hoar motioned his com.
panion to pass in first. "After you,
said the ex-senator, drawing back po,
litely. "No, indeed" retorted Senator
Hoar; "the KS always go before the
wise"
Harduppe-You advertise that you
buy books. What'll you give ME fol
this one? Dealer-We don't want anv.