davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
R.manitx IN rnrkex.

There's good deal Of human nature
In turkey" said farmer. 1.-THE 9th.
er day while was settin in the barn
door one Of my turkeys come yerkln
along and peekin right and left and
finally spied rag on the ground that
every turkey had been travelin over for
Q week. Turkey picked 1t up and Slated
1t out. That minute every turkey in
the yard started for him. He run. II
evidently struck him all Of a sudden
that he had got hold Of suthin that was
mighty valuable. He run. and he
lodged. and he ducked, and he run
some more. Every few minutes some
one of them turkeys would get him by
the wattles or else by the rag, and
there would be a tug Of war. And at
last another turkey got the rag away.
and then there was another chase
Guess them darn fool turkeys would
have been runnin the fat of them.
selves the next day IL hadn't set the
dog on 'em.
''That's just the way with a turkey,
Let any Other one in the flock get hold
Of suthin, and every one Of the blamed
fools will start for him or her and run
till they fairly drop.
"And. as I have said, there is a good
deal Of human nature right there."-
Lewiston Journal.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Doing 1t Well

llalf hcar.edncss never wins in this
world. IL thing is not worth DOING
DO not do 1T, is Il good rule. The latn
Robert Louis Stevenson was ALWAYS
ah enthusiast in whatever he under
TOOK, even when ut play.
HIS stepdauglltcr, Mrs. Isabel Stronr
VINO WAS for Il time his amanuensis
says that Stevenson used to maintain
that no one could write good story
who was not good playcr-wl.o could
not enter fully into the spirit of u
game. lie himself threw all his enar
gies into whatever he might be play
ing.
at one time he was visiting a house
whore Il small boy WAS playing boat,
on the sofa. When the lad got tired,
he did not wait for the ship to come
to port, but got down from the sofa
ana walked toward the door.
Stevenson, who was watching him
eagerly, cried out to him in apparent
alarm: "Oh, don't do that! Swim at
least!"- Youths Companion.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
NOT MUCH OF AN ORATOR.
A Conductor to Whom n Woman
Gnye thx. lYrouc Coin

Conductor to Whom Woman
Gave the Wrong Coin.
rs this all you've got, madame" ask
ell the conductor on Il North Side cal. as
he scl'utinized the coin in the semdarll-
ness of the tunnel
Whats the matter With z" she ask
cd in such frigid tones that the con.
ductor looked confused.
"Notling, but"
"Tlicn il there is nothing the matter
with it why do yoa want me to give
you another nicicl?"
Nothing, hut that he venturcd
again.
"Wcll, then. somebody else must
have given it to you. didn't have a
penny in my parse"
"Ies, but YOU did give it to me, mad
am, and it's all right, but
She had got rcd IN the face The
other passengers were watching the
outcome, and one youth who was
standing craned his neck and got a
good look at the coin. He grinned.
She saw him grin. That broke what
remained OF her dignited and chilling
patience. She testify snatchcd the coin
from the bewildered conductor. AS she
was tossing it into her open purse she,
too, got look at the coin. The car
was coming out of the tunnel, and it
was lighter so that she could make out
the coin.
"Why, that is a. but she was too
much confused to finish the sentence.
YES, 1T is a So goldpiece, madam.
You gave it to me-"
"You might have said so,' she mur-
INJURED meelSly us she fished out real
nickel.
We'll, you see, ain't much of an
orator, madam" he said and resumed
his march down the aisle, reaching for
nickcls.-Chicago Inter Ocean.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
A DEAL IN WHISKY.
The Profits Were Not So Large
the Buyers Expected.

The Profits Were Not So Large az
the Buyers Expected.
"There are tricks in the whisky busi-
ness as we'll as in Others" said the
drummer for large compounding
house, "and remember once how the
firm was With got stuck. One day q
man drove up in one horse wagon
carrying one barrel of whisky, which
he wanted to sell. He told us some
kind of a story about an old uncle dy-
ing and leaving it to him; but, as he
couldn't afford to use as good liquor as
ii was, he had concluded to sell it.
1--WE took the barrel into the house,
and, prying out the bung, we Slipped in
the siphon and drew off Il glass OF it to
sample. And it was fine. The barrel
showed age, and the liquor tasted it.
1t was worth $40 a gallon If it was
worth a cent, but VIC didn't give the
man any such pointers. We knew by
the weight that there We're Mt least 40
gallons of it, and we made him an of
fer of $3.50 for the barrel. He Ligglcd
awhile, but took the money at last and
drove away.
I'm the course of n couple of weeks
we concluded to put that whisky in
bottles and sell it as case goods, so we
set the siphon to work at the bung and
began to draw it Off After the fourth
bottle had been drawn the siphon re-
fused to work, and we examined it to
find what was wrong. We could not
get at it that way, and, as the contents
seemed to be all right, we set the bar
rel on end and bored another hole in it.
Then the siphon worked, but the liquor
was much paler, and one Of the men
tasted it. BY George, it wasn't whisky
Mt all! 1t was only water, colored
somewhat from the charred inside Of
the barrel.
THAT scared us, and we smashed the
head in to see what was inside, and we
saw in minute. The willy cuss had
filled a can with fine old whisky to the
bung where we made the examination
before purchasing, and when that had
been empticd the whole story had been
told. He had probably paid $S for the
gallon to .ll the can, and we sold it for
$3.50 a bottle, but we didn't get q
blamed cent for the 80 gallons, more or
less, of water that filled the rest of the
barrel. el.'-Washington Star.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Al Anerican Dinner P.rt,.

Here is Clement SCOTS picture OF N
American dinner party: you are no
sooner ushered into the reception room
than you feel at home in half second.
Conversation is general aud animated.
Your Aosteas Is genial. gracious and an
artist In the difficult ceremony Of in.
production. The room and the atmos.
phere beam with friendlincss. Intro
duced to your dinner companion, she il
determined that you and your partner
shall be friends ut once. You have not
to make conversation. She makes Il
for you. II you know anything, she
will drag 1t out Of you in double quick
time, and you have some difficulty in
holding your own against her readi.
ness, wit and sly cyniclsm. She can
discuss everything and knows some.
thing about all she discusses, but with
out pedantry or affectation. She has
the art OF appearing to like you and be
interested In you whether she is or not,
This may be humbug, but 1t is delight.
full humbug all the same.
"The elements Of Irritation are never
to be despised by man or woman OF
any age. This social art Is generally
ignored In England, and that is why
American women are SO supremely
popular. And what is the consequence?
You go home from a dinner party in
England tired and bored to death or
wander OF to your club to try to for.
get it all. You go home from an Amer.
lean dinner party exhilarated, little
proud of yourself aud saying sincerely,
1T has been q jolly and delightful even.
Ing At least that is what have felt
whenever have been honored with an
invitation in New York San Francis
co Argonaut.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
WORKING UP A SICKNESS,
The Story of n Man Who Thought
He Had Appendicitis.

He Had Appendicitis.
nervous man recently called on
me-" said a New Orleans physician.
and asked, In what part of the abdo-
men are the premonitory pains of an
pcndicitis fclty ON the left side, ex-
actly here | replied, indicating a spot
n little above the point OF the hip bone.
He went out, and next afternoon /
was summoned in hot haste to the st.
charles hotel. l found the planter
writhing on his bed, his forehead bead
cd with sweat and his whole appear.
ance indicating intense suffering. Il
have an attack of appendicitis,' lie
groancd, and I'm dead man! I'll
never survive an operationn
Where do you feel the pain" ]
asked.
"'Ol, right here he replied, putting
his finger on the spot l had located at
the Office. i feel as if somebody had n
knife in me there and was turning ii
around
Well, then, 1t isn't appendicitis mt
any rate ! said checrfully, because
tllat is HE wrong sdc.'
".rhc wrong side' he exclaimed,
glarlng at me Indignantly. Why, YOU
told me yourself it was on the Left
Then must have been abstracted.
! replied calmly. Il should have said
the right prescribed something that
wouldn't hurt him and learned after
ward that he ate his dinner in the din
hg room the same evening. Oh, yes;
he was no doubt In rcal pain when /
called" said the doctor i'm reply to Il
question, "but you can make Your fin
ger ache merely by concentrating yonr
attention ON it for a few momcnts."-
New Orleans Times Democrat.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Just What ne Needed,

An invalid called on a physician fov
advice. The doctor wrote out pre-
scription. charging the patient gum.
eas for 1t. Some time afterward they
met in the street.
"Well." said the doctor, "you ara
looking 100 per cent better! That mcdi.
cine. though a little expensive. was
Just what you needed"
Doctor" replied the patient, "after
I had paid you the guineas for the
prescription. couldn't afford to have
1t made up, SO I didn't take q single
dosey-London Answers.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
More Than n Hint.

AS a gentleman was having his
luncheon in the coffee room of small
hotel he was much annoyed by another
visitor. who during the whole meal
stood with his back to the fire. warm
ing himself and watching him partake
cf his repast.
cat length. unable to endure 1t any
longer. he rang the bell and said:
waiter, kindly turn that gentleman
round. think he is done on that
uide."
The hint was taken.-London Stand
ard.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Check to Frivolity.

'sThe Chinese minister says the cos
tunes worn by American women strike
him a. being in some respects ridicu-
lous." said Mrs. Blykins,
"Yes," answered Mr. Rlykins, "That's
owing to his point of view. If he had
to pay for few Of them. he'd soon
learn to take them seriously" y."-Wask
ington Star.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
THE L.eHTsAlP.

When boats come home across the Tar
And winters sunlight dies afar,
When green and purple dusk crccps down
And hides the harbor and the town,
Each night far out to sea beam
Of pale, wan light sends forth its glcam
Across the peaceful, darls'ning tides
And marks the lightship where she rides.
When. tempest tossed, the ships slip by
The foam hid hcadland, and the sky
Is torn with wrack Of scuddng cloud,
And winds of winter cry aloud,
Lo. through the roar of crashing wave,
Above the tcmpcst's moan and rave,
voice comes DER the troubled tides
And marks where yet the lightship rides!
Richard Stillman Powell in Criterion
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Changed by Circumstances.

"Where's your watch?" asked the
observant man.
''Why, here it is" replied the man
whose prosperity had Slipped cog or
two recently.
''But that's a silver one. The one
you used to carry had handsome gold
case"
"Well--er-circumstunces alter cases.
you know."- philadelphia Press.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Not : warm Garment.

! II can't find words" exclaimed the
moral man, ito express my disgust for
the man who uses his religion as .
cloak. He's everything that's bad.''
"He certainly Is foolish. to say the
least" remarked the practical man.
t.for religion such as his Is necessarily
30 fimsy he's liable to catch cold In 1t"
PHILADELPHIA Press.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06

christopher Columbus introduced
cards into America in 1902. On the
quarter deck of the Santa Maria he
used to play the stately game of om-
bre, favoritc among princes, mobiles
and courtiers, with it's Spanish name,
cl hombre dle mam, and the Spanish
terms. spadille, manille, punto, mata-
dor, basto, gano del rey and codilla.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Kept ON the Jump.

"That tall man seems to be the busi-
est person around the establishment.
What does he do?"
"It is his duty to see whether the
others are working or not."-Chicago
Times Herald.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
s.lvlns HI. compunction..

Promoter-I called to see you about
that bill, the details of which wrote
you few days ago.
Legislator-Excuse me, sir, but can.
not lend my influence to any such
scheme as that
Promoter-Who has asked you to
lend your influence? l have come pre-
pared to pay you well for it.-Boston
Transcript.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
The Enxlish WAY.

Fights are recognized part OF the
school education among the boys in
England. In America when boys fight
It Is because they are angry with each
other; In England they fight because
they are anxious to find out which IL
the better man physically. They may
have no quarrel or Ill feeling, but IL
their friends cannot agree as to their
respective prowess the ultimate result
is pretty apt to be "mill."-Self Cul-
fure
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Poet. Query An.,yered.

~ wonder will they miss me?" wrote
the poet in violet ink on gilt edged pa
per.
And the editor rs he tossed the man
uscript into the yawning gulf ut his
side murmured softly, IF they do, they
never ought to be trusted with gun
again. ."-London Telegraph.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06

'4The girl that carries off the young
man the easiest" said the corn fed
philosopher, "is the one that knows
enough not to know too much."-Indi-
annapolis Journal.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
All Alone.

"Ah." said the conccited fellow, with
a view to making her Jealous II was
alone last evening with one whom l
admire very much"
"Yes!" she said. "Alone. We're you?'
Philadelphia Press.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Slow Work,

'AInria, you let that young BOLSTER
stay last night until O'clock"
"But. mamma, you told me must
give him tiEle to PROPOSE"
'But five hours!"
"Why, mamma, you know he slut
ters. s."-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Comforting.

ut did your cold good to go and see
the doctor. knew it would"
'sYes. He's got worse cold than I
have."-Chicago Record.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06

All the men who wreck banks and
run away with money seem to be mice
fellows."-Boston journal.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
Artful.

"sshrcwd fellow, that Bliggfns," said
one young man. Hes natural dip.
iomat."
"How did you find 1t out?"
II asked him to lend me dollar"
"And he got away from it?"
mo. He said he hadn't dollar, but
he'd lend me five. might forget about
81. But he could remind me of So
Washington Star.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06

Spanish bcggars do not think 1t nee.
eesary to conceal their cigar when ask
Ing aims. Smoking is considered as
necessary as breathing to every human
being out Of the cradle.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06
An InexDcn.ive Orry

FREDDY, not another cake! You'll
be sickw
"Well, ma, you needn't to care.
There's half my medcin lef' from las'
time!-Chicago Record.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06

1t destroys ones nerves to be amia.
bic every day to the same human te.
ng.-Beaconsticld.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-09-06

II you intend to do a mean thing,
wait till tomorrow. If you intend to
do noble thing. do 1t now.
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-12-14
CARNIVAL OF CRIME
Is ON IN PARIS.
Hundreds OF Thousands of Men Are
Idle and Being Driven to Ex.
treme Acts.

PARIS. Dec. 13.-A gang OF thieves re-
Gently held up street car In populous
southern district and robbed the passen-
gers. while an important electric line
serving the suburbs of st. Dennis and st.
Ouen has refused TO run Its cars later
than $50 in< the evening on account of the
danger.
1t was announced today that the pre-
feet of police had decided to place a
couple of policemen on each street car
running into the suburbs after $50 p. m.
A raid yesterday evening led to no
fewer than 347 arrests.
In fairness 1t must be said that the
present condition of crime Is largely due
to the number OF workmen, street hawk
ers and others who came to Paris. attract
ed by the exposition, and who are now
walking the streets out OF work IL Is
estimated by the statistician of the CEN
trail labor bureau that in twenty-five
trades 212.0o0 out of $4,000 persons are out
of work.
The officials OF the prefecture of police
calculate that 1900 sufferers from the
close of the exposition have Joined the
criminal army.
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-12-14
AN APPEAL TO BUTCHERS
Gen. Bothn Urges the Beers to Con-
tinue the struggle for Their
Independence.


NEW YORK. Dec. ia dispatch 70
: the Journal and Advertiser from Ams'er-
The following proclamation by Gen.
Louis Botha has been received:
whereas, / have been informed that
the enemy circulates all sorts OF wrong
and lying reports among the burghers
about the government and myseli, our
officers and officials are charged to COM
municate the following Information TO
the general public: .
ing the state president of the Orange Free
State, has decided in the interest OF our
cause to give leave of absence 10 our
state president. with orders to go I'M
.mediately to Europe in order to assist our
. deputation there In the work they have
before them. Vice President Shalkberger
has been sworn in according to law and
is now acting as state president. He Is
now assisted by the state secretary, two
members of the executive council. Lucas
Meyer and myself. and other officials: in
short, our government exists in the same
way as before and Is now in my i'm
mediate. neighborhood and in direct COM
munication with me.
Let the blood of our brave dead be
strong voice. inducing every burgher TO
fight for real liberty. We have nothing
left TO lose. but everything to win. The
government is most firmly decided to con-
tinue the struggle. / am convinced the
burghers will applaud this decision and
act accordingly until the end.
"Burghers are warned against the fine
words used by the enemy to deceive them
and to make them put down their arms
because. according TO the proclamation OF
Roberts. they will all be transported to
st. Helena or Ceylon as prisoners OF war.
Our cause. however precarious, Is not
hopeless II every burgher only does his
duty. The Lord is sure to give a blessed
end in His own time and in His own
way"
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-12-14

PROTECTION FOR PATENTS.
Important Action Taken mt Brussels
international Conference.

BRUSSELS, Dec l3.--The international
Conference for the protection OF Industrial
property at which United States As
sistant Patent Commissioner Chamber
lain and Minister Townsend were the
American representatives, has adopted
the following resolutions:
Ftrst-The period OF exclusive rights,
rrevInusly fixed at six months for patents
and three months for Industrial designs,
models and trademarks. Is extended 10
a year for the first named and four
months for the second named.
Second-C Countries signing the conven-
ton enjoy reciprocally the protection &C
corded by each country &C. its own citizens
against unfair competition.
Third-Patsnts cannot lapse because
they are not put IN circulation exceut
after a minimum delay OK three years,
dating from the first application In coun-
tries where the patent is allowed and in
cases IN WHICH the owners Of the patent
DO not justify causes Of inaetion
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-12-14
FAyORs ARMY CANTEEN.
Archbishop Island Before House
Military Affairs Committee.

WASHINGTON. Dec. 13.--In the senate
committee on military affairs today the
hearing of the army reorganization bill
was continued, and in addition to mum,
Der OF army officers. Archbishop Ireland
and H. II. McGoldrick were heard. The
two prelates spoke only on the provision
of the bill prohibiting the establishment
of canteens or post exchanges. Both or
them pronounced the provisions unwise,
and expressed the opinion that the can
teen is In the interest of temperance and
good morals.
Archbishop Ireland based his remarks
especially upon his observations OF af-
fairs at Fort Smelling. near his nome, at
st. Paul He said that he was sure from
all that he had seen and heard among the
factor In the protection of the soldiers
from outside temptations of all kinds,
and he did not accept the theory that the
canteen brings temptation to the troops
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-12-14
PANIC IN BERLIN POSSIBLE.
Pessimistic speech I'm the Reichstag
Causes FURRY.

NEW YORK, Dec. IA dispatch to
the Journal and Advertiser from Berlin
says.
The pessimistic speech of Baron Won
Fleischmann, secretary OF the imperial
treasury, in the rechstag, on Monday. in
which he told the country to prepare for
a period of hard times, as the financial
situation was gloomy, has created a sem
satlon in the money market. There has
been such slump in the price of mort
gage bonds that unless public confidence
Is restored the economic stability of Ger
many will be imperiled some banks and
bankers may find themselves in serious
difficulties and a financial crisis of UNI
equaled gravity may be precipitated in
Berlin.
The first Preusslche Hipothek bank and
the Deutsche Greundschuld bank are un-
able to meet the strain and the govern
ment has appointed receivers M both
cases. To avert a crash the Deutsche
bank and some other houses have formed
a committee for the protection OF bond
holders and are advancing funds in pay
ment Of interest due.
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-12-14
PACIFIC COAST J0BBERS
WILL PROBABLY WIN.
st. Louis and Chicago Unable to
show Cause for Their Plea Re-
fore Interstate CommissIou

Special Dispatch 10 the Post-IntelHxeuccr
WASHINGTON. u. c, Dee u -rher, ii
an impression IN some quarters THAI rho
Interstate commerce commission will
never render conclusive decision az The
case between the 81 Louis Business Mems
Association and the transcontinental rail-
way lines J. l. Langley, OF New York
who attended the hearing held on Mon
day holds that belief Mr. Langley said
today:
ION account Of the absence OF Important
witnesses. the hearing was adjourned un-
Gil next April. ana l Gouh; very much n
the matter VIII ever be settled hy the
commission, al least upon a hearing OF
the case In its present status
The case. l think is the most import
ant in many respects ever brought before