The Irish standard., 1900-05-12
LAFF AND GRO PLAT.
Facetious Paragraphs to Produce Smiles
and Chuckles.

Facetious Paragraphs to Produce Smiles
and Chuckles.
Mamma-If you eat any more of that
pudding, Tommy, you will see the bogie
man tonight. Tommy CATER mo-
ment's thought)-Well, give me some
more. might as we'll settle my mind
about the truth of the story once for all.
Little Willie-Say, pa, what's the
meaning of ostentation? Pa-It's way
the neighbors have of showing off.
"Why is it you never mention your
ancestors?" Because I believe in let
ting bygones be bygones."
Beilc-I wouldn't marry the best man
on Garth. Clare-I guess you wouldn't.
l1c has promised me he'll never marry
again, even if should die.
Jones-Curry is an awfully unfo5tu-
nate fellow. Jackson-That so? Jones
Yes, he SHORES so loud that he always
wakes the baby, then the baby cries SO
loud he wakes Curry, SO they have to
walk together.
Tomny--Say, paw. Mr.. Figg-Wcll?
'What is kopje?" "a kopje is place
where the British stopje, and it generally
has Boer or two on topic"
"Shall I sing or play, Mr.. Bored
host?" ooh, it doesn't matter, Miss
Blimm-whichever you think you can
do without interrupting the flow of con-
versation."
II don't know what Smith does with
his money" "No?" "No, I don't.
Yesterday he was short, and he's short
again to-day" "Did he want to borrow
from you?" "No, hang it. 1 wanted
to borrow from him."
"Mrs. Trickett is very ill.," said Mrs.
Hojack to Mrs. Tomdik. "What ails
herr" "She has been living on health
foods for several months"
Hewitt saw the sun rising when
was getting up this morning. levitt
Then the sun didn't rise on schedule
time.
The Wife-Didn't you think our
daughters voice improves? The Hus-
band-I don't know 1t may be that as
we grow older Our hearing becomes less
acute.
Ella-Fred and I wished with wish
bone last night. May-Who won?
Ella-I don't know, and we didn't care
particularly; he was wishing for me
and I was wishing for him.
DO you think those two letters were
written by the same persona" "I really
couldn't say" answered the handwriting
expert. ooh, l see. You haven't STU
died them" eyes, I have. But l have
not as yet been retained by the prosecu-
ton or the Defence"
Miles, wonder how composer feels
when he encounters man with a hand
organ grinding his tunes? Giles
Probably the same as any other man
who has to meet his own notes.
'just about the time woman las
learned how to refuse proposals grace
fully" said the Cornfed Philosopher"
BIC ceases 10 get any.
Arthur, we haven't had a quarrel for
weeks and weeks" Haven't we?
Well, we can easily get up one by dis
cussing who was most to blame in the
last one we had"
$50 you are looking for a position?"
said the merchant to the youth with the
high collar and noisy necktie. "What
can you do?" ooh, any old thing" re-
piled the young man. "Of course, 1
don't expect the junior partnership at
the start, but I want to be sure of an
carly rise" Every WE'LL" replied the
merchant. "I'll make you assistant JAM
itor. You will rise at four o'clock
every morning"
Expansion. - Madam" said the
agent, 81 am selling a condensed history
of the United States. May I show you
-" NO." she interrupted, eve don't
want anything condensed We've decid-
ed to give UP Our fiat and take house
this spring"
o' aPPSai W have taste Tor
horses. Taste for horses! I rather
guess | have. I was in Kimberley dur
ing the entire siege"
Startling Curiosity.-"You know, I
presume" said the member of the fam
lily who had visited Washington and
gazed upon the nations archives, that
the original Declaration of indie
pendence can scarcely be deciphered at
all nowadays. The ink with which it
was written has faded till only faint
traces OF the words remain"
"Gracious!" exclaimed the Sweet
Young Thing. when it all fades awav
will Great Britain have a right to come