Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1900-12-29
DANGER IN A DICTIONARY

When the son of the president OF the
Big Mountain Lumber Company came in
to the mountains to learn the business, SO
to speak, I knew within fifteen minutes
that he had come to the wrong place. He
was a city chap. newly graduated and
thoroughly out Of touch with everything
mountainous. He was bright fellow,
however, and amply capable, only the
mountains were not the field for his de-
velopment. AS time elapsed, his distaste
grew. and it was all he could do not to
express his opinion Of the mountain people
their manners, customs, homes, morals and
everything connected with them. He was
wise enough to confide in me alone. and
bided his time to get away to some more
congenial cline. And he got away sooner
than he expected.
1t happened that there was a public
meeting one night at the sawmill shed. and
he was called on to make a few remarks
Every other at the meeting except
myself. who acted as chairman was of
the mountains and their illiterate talk hau
reused the young college fellow to the
limit. He saw a chance to get even, In his
own mind, at least, and when the call
came for him, he responded promptly HIS
speech. quite brief. but to the point. was
as follows. copied from his own manu-
script, even the (applause) part:
My friends, l am glad to meet you on
this occasion, for l have wished to say to
you publicly what 1 think of you, though
our acquaintance has not been long. Com
ing a stranger among you, 1 was only
partly prepared for what was in store
Now, let me say to you, that half has not
been told me. Applause). In the inter
necine arena, your lethiferous conduct has
astounded me by the trucidation and oc-
cison characterizing 1t among no men
have ever known. loud appause). In the
diversified field of mendacity your efforts
would make Machiaveili take to the tall
timber. Oproarious applause). In all
furacious, raptorial and predacious pur-
suits, you have done such wonders that
the gifted and great Jonathan Wild would
have felt his latrociny was sounding
brass and his direption tinkling cymbal.
Great applause). In the broad expanse of
labor, your torpescent oscillation has made
You sui geners among all pandiculate
mankind. CHEERS and shouts of good for
us.) AS good livers. your tables groan
beneath their stercoraceouS and fmpe-
tginous burden. and as drinkers, your
temulent bibacity has made the crapulous
reputation Of Bacchus to be sign of purl-
tancial abstemiousness. loud applause).
AS for yourselves, l take pleasure in say
ing here to you. without fear of success
full contradiction. that your nugacity is
forever established; as observers of the
law. your aberrance Is Pathological ana
personally you are a cohesive concatena-
ton of rubigant exuviae, that l take
especial pleasure in believing, does not
exist elsewhere on earth. Vociferous APP
plause).
When the enthusiasm had cooled down
somewhat he proceeded to speak on the
subjects before the meeting. and sat down.
The mountaineers were pleased to death
with the college mans high-fown speech
about them and though l didn't know the
meaning of all the big words he used, / did
know that he had been calling them liars
and murderers and thieves and scoundrels,
and drones and lawess drunkards, besides
condemning their fare and anathematizing
the lot of them personally. But not one OF
them suspected, and / was hoping nothing
would come of 1t, and they would forget.
membered, when one day a book agent
drove up to the office In a blackboard and
announced that he was selling Webster $
unabridged dictionary for 50 copy. and
showed a sample that was as big as box
of soap. Nobody had ever seen SO much
book for the money. nor had anybody ever
seen a dictionary in that neighborhond. and
when the agent began to tell what a valu-
able thing 1t was to be in every family.
the men became interested and 1t WASH t
long until the agent had sold twenty-h -
copies to be delivered the following week
When he had gone away with his sample,
l called the young man INTO the private
office for consultation.
Don't say word" he began as soon
as he had closed the door I know exact
ly where / am at. and IN be some place
else before Mr.. Webster arrives to throw
any light on my recent remarks. I am not
shedding any tears. and IN order thar the
dictionary buyers and others may knew
just what / think Of them. l shall leave
two dozen copies of my speech for distrl-
button on the morning of my departure.
He did just as he said he would and it
was good thing for him that he never
came back any more.
WILLIAM ]. HAMPTON.