Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1900-05-12
SOME NEWSPAPER FAKES

like the same old thing. It's miserable feel-
ing to know that you're tied down by facts.
1t has positively got so nowadays that fell
lows paper absolutely requires him to write
nothing but facts: thus. all Of the charm
that comes from the ability to de wierdly
and enthusiastically IS removed. and this
makes ones days dismal and monotonors.
I can remember the time In Chicago when
the hottest fakir the most divxting liar
with the pencil and pad. was the sought
after man. and that wasn't more than a
dozen years o. so ago. at that. 1t didn't
make any difference whether a local story
was true or not, so long as it was dished up
in good shape, with plenty OF apparently
correct names and addresses, lots of scenes
and Incidents, as the city editors put 1t, and
a general atmosphere Of verisimilitude, as
1t were. 1 am a modest man. but l would
fain throw this small nosegay at myself:
won the Champion Fakirs' stakes for three
years in succession in Chicago, and no less
a man than Eugene Field once bestowed the
laurels upon my blushing brow in the pres
ence Of the Whitechapel Club for having
repeatedly proved myself the most fantas-
tic newspaper liar that ever blew into the
city of wind. That was right after I'd
sprung my famous airship fake. There
was a chap exhibiting a funny-looking
model of an airship down on the lake front,
and it being midsummer and consequently
dull. I went after him, and wrote several
columns, with pictures, describing his con-
tTdpllCn, ana reiatlnS now q HOWn WITH
him fifty miles across Lake Michigan to
Benton harbor Michigan. The story went
with bang. despite the fact that the en-
vious esteemed contemporaries of my paper
had the effrontery to come out the next
day and declare it a fake, and the airship
man organized a company on the strength
of it, achieved some 10000 from small in
vestors. and then went into such close Sc
cluSion that he's never been seen since. The
night he decided to disappear with the wad
he called at my office and took me out and
bought me schooner and a scent cigar.
and that's all ever got for putting him on
the road to prosperity.
But l started out to relate how I got
dumped on a fake of my own devising.
1t was during another dull period, when
local news was shy and embarrassing, and
1t looked to be about the right time to
spring large one. So L went down to
the Leland Hotel and put the name of
e. II. Gettemout' on the hotel register
and had a word or two with big Red
Kennedy, the chief clerk. Then 1 seized a
large bunch of hotel paper, bought enough
stogies to see me through and sat down in
the hotel writing room and wrote four and
a half columns about E. H. Gettemouts
wonderful experiments at the Leland with
his life-saving fire-escape apparatus. l
succeeded in making E. H Gettemout a
pretty remarkable genius by the time l
got through describing his invention in
great detail 1t consisted-that is. in my
story it consisted-of a collapsible elevator
frame, that is, an elevator frame that
could be shot up into the air from truck
by the operation of some simple machn-
cry. and lowered into small space into the
truck in the street when it wasn't in use.
In case of fire in a tall building the ele-
vator frame would be raised. and then the
elevator operated by hydraulic force, Wou ID
begin Its regular trips to the various floors
of the burning building, hauling the people
that preferred not to be incnerated to the
ground as easily and comfortably as if there
wasn't any fire within radius of seven
teen miles. l made lot of sketches sug-
gestions for cuts to be used in connection
with the story.
Then l described at great length the ex-
perimentS that had been made at the Lee
land with the apparatus; told how several
hundred guests of the house, having been
apprised of the nature of the experiments
about to be made, had cheerfu!ly voun-
teered to descend in the collapSble truck
elevator for the purpose of demonstrating
the usefulness of the invention. Among the
guests whom / named as making the de-
scent in the thing were all the members of
a grand opera company, men and women,
who happened to be stopping at the house
at the time. l also had large and varied
assortment of other distinguished persons Of
both sexes who were stopping at the Leland
Just then to figure in the smooth and orderly
descent of the life-saving elevator / de-
scribed at some length the hardships and
sufferings +. NJ. Gettemout, the inventor,
had experienced before perfecting his ma
chine and before he was abe to secure
enough capital to make a working model,
and / dwelt very pathetically upon the fact
that E. H. Gettemout had lost several near
relatives in a hotel holocaust before decfd-
ing to devote his life to the invention of u
contraption that would make 1t a cinch that
no lives would ever again be lost by reason
of the burning Of a hotel.
"Oh, 1t was a good story, all right. l
turned it into the night city editor-the
city editor had gone home for his day off
with a few appropriate remarks. together
with my sketches to be used as sugges-
lions for cuts. The night city editor gave
me the grin from beneath the eye shade
he was wearing when he'd looked the
story over. 1t was such a ekeptical grin
that 1 had to say, seeing that he was a
clubmate of mine and a good fellow:
~ cannot, will not lie to you. The
story's true
HE said that it wouldn't be possible to
have any cuts made for the story two
Of the artists were having their day off.
one was sick and the Others were exceed
ingly busy. ! was sorry about that, but,
feeling that l had a clean scoop on the
town anyhow. l went away from the office
with a swelled chest and feeling of great
approval of myself
My paper was delivered at my fiat as
usual the next morning, and the joy l ex-
perienced when L spread it out and saw
that my story occupied the first five col
umns. double.leaded throughout. of the
first page, isn't to be described in Ian
guagings 1 showed 1t to my wife with
vast enthusiasm and reimbursement and
"
she always knew l was the most stupen-
dous liar that ever declined to get up and
light the kitchen fire.
Il read the story over several times on
my way down to the office in the car and
1 had it all figured out how my city editor
would pat me on the back and tell me to
go down and hit the cashier for a couple
of weeks pay in advance and run away
for little vacation.
II walked into the city editors room with
modest a bearing as possible under the
circumstances and waited for him to see
me and pump up and embrace me and tell
me that l was the making of the paper.
Well. the embrace didn't come. He just
looked me over out of the slants of his
eyes and said he:
Got scooped, didn't YOU?
WHO? Me-? 1 managed to splutter.
ow-where-what-'
"'You got scooped right out of your boots
on that life-saving elevator story said my
city editor. in hard. craggy tone. The
Journichle's got page and half about
1t, with a lot more details than you give
and, most important thing Of all, a cut of
E. H. Gettemout. the inventor. Why the
dickens couldn't you have got a picture Of
Gettemout, hey?
Il grabbed his copy of the Journichle
and there was the story damned with dou-
ble-column cuts, and. sure enough. a swell
cut of Gettemout, who never existed. much
less posed in front of camera. Then 1
fell right over into the waste-paper basket
nd for I