The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1900-07-21
LAFF AND GRO PLAT.
Facetious Paragraphs to Produce Smiles
and ChuckleS.

and ChuckleS.
I'm deuced glad" cautiously observed
an Englisl, officer, as he withdrew his
men under cover OF night from an un-
tenable kopje, that these confounded
Beers haven't got a territory that the
sun never sets on"
What a slender little thing she ISL
Yes, but you'd be surprised if you were
to see some of the big men she has
thrown over"
"Knave!" said the autocrat, how cam
est thou to be fool?' Sire" respond
the jester, 81 began life among the wise
men,"
DO you think there will be much
interest in this political enterprise?
"Intcrest!' repeated Senator Sorghum
It'll be more than interest. It'll be
dividends"
What is a synonym asked teach
er. please, SIR said lad cts a
word you can use in place OF another il
you don't know how to spell the other
one"
The SCIENTISTS said the first mos
quito, are charging us with spreading
malaria" Never mind" said the sec
oyl mosquito, that won't increase our
unpopularity"
Il want to be very careful" said Mr..
Blykins; very careful, indeed. l am
now at the critical moment in my ca
reer' What are you talking about?"
asked his wife. MY hopes for the fu-
turc | have just been mentioned as a
possible candidate for prominent Of
flee. Isn't that nice?" mo, it's not
at all nice. 1t means long, gloomy sus-
pcnsc. When a man is mentioned for
office he's got to be careful. He NAV
start right there and soar to fame. And
then again he may get SO busy with
politics that don't pay that he forgets
all about his business, and the first hing
you know they even neglect to put his
name in the directory"
a school teacher lately put the ques
ton: what is he highest form OF ami
NAL llic?' The giraffe" responded Il
bright member OF the class.
The king is hard up for want of
funds. Yes, he says the money does
MT know enough, to come in during the
reign"
Hrcen-l know kind of mo,rev that
docs not talk. Brecn-What kind Of
money is that? Grcecn-TIush money
He has always run his business like
clockwork." Eyes, and now his crcdi-
tors have wound it up"
For mercy's sake low MANY pam
cakes have you had, Georgie?" mann
ma, you know I've only learned to count
as far as ten"
Mrs. Platter (reading)-A bed Of
qn'eksand is the most trcacrcrous and
deadly thing on Garth. Mr.. Flattcr--
uuess the chap who wrote that never
saw our folding-bcd.
Benevolent Lady-You say you have
a vile and six children? Where arc
'hey: Beggar-Im all alone NV bows
are at Harvard, my girls are at Vassar
and my wife is at Paris visiting the cx-
position.
Old Gentlcman-And have Won onv
brothers or sisters, my little man?
es' Sir We got one sister an one an =
nan brothers. Old Gcntleman-Wh,t,
nonby--1es. sir. Two half-sisters and
three lali-brothcrs. >
Hal" jcercd the bystanders ",r,o
automobile has come to STAY, Soc +
stay! That's all right" responded thc
man on the scat, calmly lighting a CT
gar But why should machine that
merely displaccs the horse excite III, II
will OF asscs?"
The Cape Town censor sat chewiDc
inc stump OF blue pencil. Dickens, ;"
he called to his assistant, chow MANY
Beers did you say Our 5000 men de-
featcd?' Zone thousand nine hundred
and nlnety-ninc!" responded the loval
Dickens. Then just turn it around to
o,o91. 1t will make many glad hearts
and besides, Dickens, my brother is
bunting manufacturer in London"
"She's a remarkable actress, isn't
she?' very Why, she's been on the
stage eleven years and never lost dia-
mond nor husband yet"
II am certain that Sue is engaged to
Mr.. Dinkcy," said Miss Kittisln to Miss
Flypp. "Why, she never mentions him. y
"That is what convinces me. She used
to make all manner of fun of him."
Her Approval.-"What do you think
Of my new hat?" said Willie Wishing
ton as he exhibited a low crowned at
fair with twist OF gaudy material
around it. 81 like it very much," an
swered Miss Cayenne "The wearing OF
it is another glad assurance that this is
free country, where people may do
anything they choose so long as it's
harmless"
A Fretful Invalid.-"Pcople generally
haven't much sense" what do you
mean.?" "Why, when 1 was too sick
to eat. All NV friends sent mo lo+s n: