The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1900-06-22


"Great Scoop! Written exclusively for -
-" 1t will then get copy Of my Prcsi
Dental canvass for a new office towel
Letters from Veritas, Justus and Sic
Sempcr Tyrannis, warn me that my
countrymen have n pen dicitis. The
letters show that the people are yearn-
ingly seeking a candidate that con-
forms to their ideals. My countrymen
1 will conform to them. am the ideal
candidate.
Every four years this Quadrennial
Epilepsy is epidemic among us, and
we are all subject to political fits.
have this fitness for the presidency.
OF all candidates, have the greatest
fitness for the office; for 1 am ready
Office fitted to me.
My fellow citizens, you cannot find a
candidate who is all your ideals put
together like a piece of mosaic. You
must lake a full hinged candidate like
me and adjust him to your ideals.
Now, 1 will make 16 to l, or to 16.
The place occupied by the figures is
nothing 20 me, but the place 1 want to
occupy is morally, politically and
financially not-do -withoutable.
sion for some and too little for others.
l can please both extremes. / will en-
| large my salary to satisfy the expan-
sionsr, and run in debt to the satis-
faction of those who want size with
| out Imperialism.
l am for an Anglo-U. S. alliance
to catch the dude vote, and for twist
| ing the Lions Tale to please the liter
| airy syndicates.
l am pro-trust, for l want to bor-
| row, and antitrust, for l do not want
| to lend.
l believe in utilizing municipal fran
| chises for the benefit of the public,
and pass for myself.
1 am against interfering with strikes
| by Je1ries and Corbett, and I believe
in encouraging corporations that give
me tips on stocks.
1 am opposed to a larger standing
army, for our street cars show it is too
large now: but / will increase the navy
| two-cunccs to the plug.
| l am against the rains law till the
hay is all in, and for the rains law to
get the street sprinkIer's vote.
| / demand an open door in China for
the American hog, and combination
lock for the pigtaii in the L. S.
l favor the income tax for the sake
of the income, and those who contrib
ute to my campaign fund shall APP
point their assessors.
| shall advocate shorter hours for
labor, especially after my official du-
ties begin.
l shall encourage a liberal income
for Capital, if l am subsidized with
some.
1 am for government by injunction
into Office adjunction to the office, and
conjunction with the office.
My policy is a high old tear If with
saloon repeaters, and low tariff with
my prohibition supporters.
/ am willing to fall back with the
Beers, or retreat with the English.
will appoint all my friends to Paying
positions, if ] have to put some oi
them out of Office to do it.
/ am for a double Standard the same
morals will not do for politics and
prayer meeting.
l do not accept a $4,000 salary tC
purify politics, for there would be nC
politics left if / did. The votes of my
fellow countrymen prove that they dc
not want politics purified and i assure
them that if they will elect me, moth
ing will be too good for them," no
even the politics.
An epitaph in n country church read
was well, wanted to be better,
l took patent medicine,
And here / lie.
The example of illustrious politician!
proves that success in politics mus
not be handicapped with morals.
/ lay down these planks for a plat
form, but they are not nailed down
They are removable, transferable, re
versible, automatically adjustible.
I am ready for the campaign all bu
the campaign fund: and if 1 had tn,
campaigLn fund what would / wan
with a S50,000 cartoon office.
| l have arranged for a phonograpl
machine that never runs down, jump
cog or throws a belt, to talk agains
Bryan.
| l have borrowed a stationary han,
engine to shake hands against McKin
ley.
l have options on a windmill, and {
turbine water wheel, to debate will
the Populists and Prohibitionists.
Any voter who cannot stand on m.
platform will be given a seat in tn
front row of appointments where h
can rest his political corns and bun
ions.
Following the example of other can
didates, l have tried to make it clea
in the platform that want the office.
Nickel-in-t -the-slot Candidate.
Lu b. Cake.