The Irish standard., 1900-05-19
LAFF AND GRO PLAT.

LAFF AND GRO PLAT.
Facetious Paragraphs to Produce Smiles
and Chuckles.
Jaggs-Texas is a great place for
snakes. L once saw a green and yellow
snake down there seventy feet long and
as big around as a whisky barrel.
Waggs-Well, I don't doubt it, but I'll
bet you saw the whisky barrel before
you saw the snake.
Miss Askew-So your marriage is put
off? Miss Crummy-Yes; papa is not
at all satisfied with his position; mamma
doesn't like his family connections;
auntie thinks he is too careless in his
dress, and l think. Miss Askew-
Yes, what do you think? That is the
important thing. Miss Crummy-I
think I ought to wait until he asks me.
She (entl1usiastical1y)-Oh, George,
don't you think the greatest Joy in life
is the pursuit. of the good, the true, and
the beautiful? He-That's what 1 am
here for, my darling!
Tcacher-How many OF my scholars
can remember the longest sentence they
ever read? Billy-Please, mum, I can.
Teacher-What! is there only one?
Well, William, you can tell the rest of
the scholars the longest sentence you
ever read. Billy-Imprisonmcnt for
life.
"Chawles of New York got into a row
the other day. remarked young man
with monocle. did he get the worst
OF it" Eyes; but he's very happy over
it. The man whom he encountered was
Dutchman who had lived in South
Africa. Cllawles said the occurrence
made him feel like real Englislman. .
Mrs. Dimp!eton-I want you to get
another doctor right off. Dimpleton-
WHAT'S the matter with this one? Mrs.
Dimpleton-What do you suppose he
said about baby? He told me I must
treat him like human being.
Timkins-But is your income sufli-
Gent to justify you i'll marrying? Sim
kins-I'm afraid not. Tinkins-Thcn
what reason have you for taking such a
step? Simkins-I have no reason at all.
I'm in love.
Mr.. Potwell-Now do look after the
dinner yourself, my dear. You know
the Guttletons are coming. Mrs. Pot
well-But if do they'll be sure to want
to come again!
The Englisl1man-Don't forget, sir,
that the Beers have one great advantage
they are on their own. ground. The
Other Man-Then what are you fight
ing them for?
Lady, gave you money yesterday
because you said you wanted to buy
some bread; then you turned right
straight around and walked into sa-
loon with it. Beggar-True, lady; sad,
but true! am one uv' them absent
minded beggars wot Ruddy Kipling sobs
about.
Father-You seem to look at things
in different light since your marriage.
His Newlyrnarried augfter.-Well, l
ought to after receiving fourteen lamps
and nine candelabras for wedding pres
ents.
81 must confess to great deal Of
egotis1n," said Willie WASHINGTON. Gin
deed?" responded Miss Cayenne eyes.
Itllink about myself entirely too much"
"Oh, that isn't egotism That's merely
the usual human tendency to worry over
triAes"
First Artist-Old Moneybags would
MT buy my pctures--wouldn't even look
at them. Second Artist-Never mind.
old man. He was more considerable OF
your feelings than he was of mine
"How is that?" "Why, he refused to
buy my pictures after he did look at
them"
Friend-What on earth are you doing
to that picture? Artist am rubbing
piece of raw meat over this rabbit in
the foreground. Mrs. De Shoddie will
be here this afternoon, and when she
sees her pet dog smell of that rabbit
she'll buy it.
Tommy doesn't feel like going to
school this morning." said Mrs. Tucker
"He says he has pain in his stomach
He is lying on the lounge in the sitting
room, all bumped up out of shape" 81
think said Mr. Tucker, reaching be-
hind the mirror for a ruler, 81 can lick
him into shape"
Mr. Dopps-Mrs. Dopps, your new
frock is trailing on the ground. Mrs.
Dopps-I don't care if it is; I'm not 60
ing to hold it up until get silk petit
coat"
"And you are quite sure that you
wouldn't mind me as mother in-law?"
said Mrs. Sterlingworth, arcfly, when
Mr.. Giddings asked her for her daugh-
ter's hand. "My dear Mrs. Sterling
WORTH the young man replied, ut was
for the very purpose Of acquiring you
as a mother-in-law that I fell in love
with your charming daughter"