Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1900-02-01

, the Seventh National Bank. Within
four weeks you will be walking into
that institution and drawing your
check for half a million dollars. With
in a year you can establish the Eighth
National on a capital Of 5 1000, 900.
! Give me your hands and shake hear
tily."
I've got to make up $40, to-day,
Major" said the chiropodist, as he ex-
tended his hand. "and if you could
pay this little
"And now to hear what I've got-my
newest, latest and best idea," contin-
ued the Promoter. You've heard of
the musical attachments to a piano, of
course? There are three or four of
them. / was asked to form a Trust,
but after looking them over l saw that
/ could do better. In tw~enty-fOur
hours I had figured it out. I simply
| enlarged upon the attachment idea and
brought electricity to my aid. | have
struck it, sir-I have worked out a
scheme which will revolutionize the
world. Here's NJ piano in the parlor,
and our electric battery in the cellar
below it. We run our wires where we
will, and each wire produces a differ
ent tune on the keys of the piano. We
don't get music on set occasion, but it
begins at daylight and lasts right
through till the last of the family has
gone to bed. Let US shake hands
again
81 don't exactly understand"
Then l will make it plain. We at
tach a wire to the front door. Every
time the door is opened the piano
plays Yankee Doodle We attach a
wire to the stairs. Every time one
ascends or descends the piano plays
'Whar's Dat Coon?' We run a wire to
the kitchen range. Let the cook re-
move a cover or bang a door and the
soit, sad notes of Wearing of the
Green float through the house. Do
you see the possibilities, sir-the gi-
gantic, stupendous possibilities? You
must see them-you can't fail to catch
On. Any family able to rent a piano
at So per month can have the music
for eighteen hours per day free of cost.
Think of the influence exerted by 200
pianos on the same block!"
IF l wasn't hard up I shouldn't ask
you for the two dollars" said the
%chiropodist as the Major paused for
breath.
1--WE attach a wire to the family
clock. Every time the clock strikes the
piano plays Johnny Get Your Gum
We attach a wire to the family sewing
machine. AS the mother sews the
piano plays Our Willie Boy or Buff
falo Gals The idea can be carried
to almost any length. Run a wire to
the egg-beater, the ironing board, the
coal bin, or what not? We can even
attach n to the foot of the cook and
have the piano play Heaven is My
Home as the girl moves about the
kitchen. It's music without extra cost.
1t does away with piano playing by
hand. It's the biggest, the grandest,
the most stu"
But it's nothing to me-" interrupted
Tho oo1lor ssT,xo ont ~ roicn rana--
and I'd like the 50 you owe me to help
out"
and now you see the idea," con-
tinued the Major, after looking at him
in al absent way. we patent the
idea. We organize the Universal Mus
ical Attachment Company and capital
izc at $4,000, coo. I'll take the presi-
dency, of course, and right here and
now I'll appoint you treasurer, and !
guarantee a salary of at least $4,000
a year. We start with the stocks in
our own hands, and We'll divide the
first million at 20 per cent. AT 20 per
cent, my boy, and within four weeks
the public will be crying for it at par.
Can you leave $500 with me to secure
$3.50, 900 worth of stock?"
Lord, no! Didn't l ONE in here
after two dollars because l was hard
up?"
Then make it s25OIs1O0-s50. I'll
take you in on the ground floor, but
you must deposit something, you know.
My dear man, this is the chance OF
your life. Embrace it and the Stand
ard Oil Company won't Ne in it with
you in a year. Throw II over your
shoulder and you'll die in the poor
| house. Leave me s25 at least"
"I-I couldn't leave fifteen cents"
1.-THE Universal Musical Attachment
| Company, with stock jumping to 200
as soon as the public catches on My
dear man, don't let this s~tupendous
enterprise get away from you. Go
| pawn your hat-sell your shirt-raise
a little riSnes . leave with me even
If Won have IN rob the dead. Ramem-