davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14

squashin' mud with their hands
they're conducted up through a
channel iv free an beautiful
thought till they're ready FIR COL
ledge. Mamma packs a few doylies
and tides into sons bag, an some
silver to be used in case iv throuble
with tn landlord, an tn la-ad
throts off to tn summary. II he's
not sthrong enough to look FIR high
honors as a middle weight pugilist
he goes into tn thought depart
mint. TIL prisidint takes him into
a Turkish room, gives him a cigaret
an says: Me dear boy, what spec
ial branch iv larnin' wud ye like to
have studied FIR We be our compitint
professors? We have a chair iv
beauty an wan of puns, an wan
of pothry on tn changin' hues of
the settin' sun, an van on How
Green Grows tn Grass, an wan on
the Relations iv Ice to tn Greek
Idee iv Cod he says. This is all
yell need to equip We fr tn per-
feet life, onless,' he says, we in
tind bein' a dintist, In which case,'
he says, we won't think much iv
ye, but we have a good school
where ye can larn that d"isgraceful
thrade,' he says. An the la-ad
makes his choice an ivry mornin'
whin he's up in time he takes
a Whit iv hasheesh an goes
off to hear profiseOr Narvapna
tell him that if tn dates
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14

The troubled Mr.. Hennessy had
been telling Mr.. Dooiey about the
difficulty in making a choice Of
school for Parcky Hennessy, who
at the age of six was at the point
where the family must decide his
career.
"Fis . big question: said Mr..
Dooley, Nn' wan that seems to be
worryin' tn people more thin it
used to whin ivry boy was designed
FIR tn priesthood, with a full I'M
dherstandin' be his parents that tn
chances was in favor " a brick
yard. Nowadays they talk about tn
education OF tn child befure they
choose tn name. 'Tis: "Th' kid
talks in his sleep. 'Tis tn fine law
yer he'll make Or, Did We notice
him admirin' that photograph.
He'll be a great journalist Or,
Look at him fishin' in Uncle Tins
watch pocket. We must thrain him
FIR a banker Or, I'm afraid he'll
niver be sthrong enough to worruk.
He must go into tn church Be-
fore he's baptized, too, dye mind.
Twill not be long befure tn time
comes whin tn soggarth'll christen
the infant: Judge Pathrick Alloy
sius Hinnissy, L. l.. D., S. T. D., P.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
mr.. DooIey On the Education 81 the Young.

G. n, in tn faculty iv Nothre
Dame TIL innocent child in his
cradle, wondherin' what ails tn
mist Nv him an where he got such
funny looking parents firm, has
thin to blame that brought him
into tn wurruld If he dayvilOps
into a sicond sthory man befure he's
twinty-wan an is took up be tn po-
lis. Why don't you lade Parcky
down to tn occylist an have him
fitted with a pair iv eyeglasses?
Why don't We put go-loshes on him,
give him a bleu umbrelly an call
him a doctor at Wunst an be done
with it. To my mind, Hinnissy,
we're wastin' too much time think
in iv tn future Nv II young, an
thrying to larn thin in school what
they oughtn't to know till they've
grown up. We sind tn childher to
school IS if twas a summer garden
where they go to be amused in
stead iv a pinitinchry where they're
stint FIR tn original sin. Whin l
was a'la-ad l was put at me ah-bee,
abs, the first day l set fut in tn
school benin tn hedge, an me
head was sore inside an out be-
fure l whit home. Now tn first
thing we learn tn future Mark
Hanna an Jawn D Gateses iv our
naytion is waltzin', singin' an cut
tin pitchers out iv a book. We'd
be much better teachin' thin tn
sthrangle hold, FIR that's what they
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
,nv two Of whom would have probably

any two of whom would have probably
hesitated to tackle their victim. Shive-
Ter was carried by this mob OF toughs
to an out-of-the-way place, stripped of
his clothing, attired in rags, placed in
a box and carried to the residence where
he intended calling, the box placed
on the porch, the bell rang, and then
the. hoodlums disappeared in the dark
ness. They had glued false whiskers
to Shiveler's face, and otherwise mall
treated him.
Two things ought to happen to this
crowd of cowardly, ill-mannered and
unprincipled rowdies. In the first
place, they ought to be promptly ex-
PEELED from college and prevented from
ever afterwards entering any decent
or reputable institution OF learning,
and in the second place Shiveler ought
not to rest until he has obtained per-
sonal satisfaction from every individu-
al of the crowd assailing him. 1t ought
to be made so hot for hazers that de-
cent men would refuse to associate
with them, and all colleges close their
doors to them. That Is the way to
teach ill hammered and improperly
raised cubs common sense. The col
lege hoodlum ought to go.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
10 AuTrNy.

Q autumn, laden with fruit. and stained
With the blood of the grape. pass not, but
sit
Beneath my shady roof; there thou mayst
rest,
And tune the jolly voice to my fresh pipe:
And all the daughters of the year shall
dance,
Sing now the lusty Q Of fruits and
flowers.
The narrow bud opens her beauties TO
The sun, and love run in her thrilling
veins;
Blossoms nang Sund the brows Of morn
ing, and
Flourish dow the bright cheek of modest
eve,
Till clustering summer breaks forth into
singing.
And f~eathered clouds strew flowers round
her head.
The spirits Of the air live on the smells
OF fruiG and JOY, with plnions night. roves
round
The gardens, or sits singing in the trees"
Thus sang the jolly Autumn as he sat;
Then rose, girded himself, and Ger the
bleak
H.ns He'd from our sight; but left his
golden load.
William Blake.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14

iv human knowledge must be
rejected as subjective, how
much more must they be subjected
as reflective If, as | think, we keep
our thoughts fixed upon tn inanity
iv tn finite in comparison with tn
u%nthinkable truth With tn ondiyid-
ed an onimaglnable reality. Boys,
ARE We with me?"
That's at wan colledge-Th'
Colledge iv Speeches. Thought.
Thin there's tn Colledge iv
Thoughtless Speech. where tn
la-ad is larned that tn best thing
that can happen to annywan is to
be prisidint iv a railroad %consolida-
ton. TIL head iy this colledge
believes in thrainin' young men
FIR tn civic ideel, Father Kelly tells
me. TIL only thrainin' | know FIR
tn civic ideel is to have an alarm
clock in ye'er room on iliction day.
He believes young men shud be
equipped with Courage, Discipline
an Loftiness iy Purpose so | sup
pose Parcky, If he whit there, would
listen to lectures firm tn Profisser
iv Courage an Erasmus II. Noodle,
Doctor iv Loftiness iv Purpose. 1
loft, we loft, he lofts. I've always
felt we needed some wan to teach
our young tn Courage they can't
get walkin' home in tn dark an tn
Loftiness iv Purpose that doesn't
start with bein' hungry an lookin'
FIR worruk. An in tn colledge
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
COPYRIGHT, 1900, RoBERT HOWARD RUSSELL.

since ! was a boy | says. Put
thin through their exercises says
I. Tommy says l, spell cat" l
says. Go to tn divvle,' says the
cheerful. Very smartly answer
ed says Mary Ellen. 'Ye shud not
ask thin to SPELL she says. They
don't larn that till they go to col
lege,' she says, an she says, some
times not even thin she says. An
what do they larn?' says /.
'Rompin',' she says, an dancin','
she says, an Independence iv
speech, an beauty songs, an
sweet thoughts, an how TO make
homelike,' she says 'Well,' says |,
I didn't take amy iv thin things
at college so We needn't unblanket
thim,' l says. I won't put thin
through amy exercise to-day, |
says. But whisper, Mary Ellen,
says 1. Don't We niver feel like
bastin' tn seeraphims?' TIL
teachin's iv Freebull an Pitzotly is
contrary to that she says. But
I'm goin' to be marrid an lave tn
school on Choosdah, tn twinty-sic-
ond iv Janooary,' she says, an on
Mondah, tn twinty-irst, I'm goin'
to ask a few of tn little tdarlinis
to tn house an she says, stew
thin over a slow fire. she says.
Mary Ellen is not a German, Hin
Missy.
well, afther they have larned in
school what they ARE licked f'r
larnin' in tn back yard-that is
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14

need in life"
I know what'll happen. Yell
sind Parcky to what tn Ger
mans calls a Kindygartin an it's
a good thing FIR Germany, because
all a German knows is what some
wan tells him an his g~rajation pa
apers is a certy-ficate that he don't
need to think amy more. But we
We inthrajOoced it into this
thry an whin | was down seem
if | cud injooce Rafferty, tn janitor
iv tn Isaac Mugs Grammar
School FIR to vote f'r Riordan-an'
he's goin' to- dropped in on Cas-
sidy's daughter, Mary Ellen, an
see her kindygartnin. TIL childher
was settin' ar-round on tn fiure
an some was moldin' daschunds
out iv mud an wipin' their hands
on their hair, an some was carvin'
figures iv a goat out iv paste-board
an some a singin' an some was
sleepin' and a few was dancin' an
var la-ad was pullin' another la'ads
hair. Why don't We take tn coal
shovel to that little barbaryan,
Mary Ellen?' says l.. We don't
believe in corporal punishment
says she. School shud be made
pleasant FIR tn childher,' she says.
TIL child who's hair is bein' pull
ed is larnin' patience she says,
an tn child that's pullin tn hair
is discoverin' tn footility iv hui
man indeavor,' says she. Well, oh,
WELL says l, times has changed
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
THE PRICE OF COAL.

Over in the East generally, where
anthracite coal is the prevailing fuel,
they are complaining because the price
has gone to eight dollars a ton, with a
prospect of a higher rate, and there is
some disposition to blame the miner for
striking, short-sighted and illy-inform-
ed persons being inclined to indict the
man who Yields the pick for bringing
about the increase to the consumer.
These people are simply laboring under
an error. They ought to blame the
operator. 1t is the operator who robs
and squeezes the miner until he is COM
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14

They were having a Pleasant Visit.
Josephine gave them Allopathic
Slugs of the Size that they Feed
you in the Navy and then lower
you into the Dingey and send you
ashore. Then she let them 90 out
on the Porch to Smoke. BY the
time the Lady President came 10
the last Page. there were only two
men left in the Front Room. One
was asleep and the other was Pen
ned II.
The Women were Hufy. They
went out TO make the Men come in.
and found them punched on the
Porch listening to a story that a
Travelling Man had just brought TO
Town that Day.
Now the Plan was that during
the Reception the Company would
stand about In little groups and ask
each other what books they liked
and make It something on the order
OF a Salon. The Plan miscarT.et,
because all the men wanted to hear
Rag Time played by Josephine, the
Life Saver. Josephine had to yield
and the Men all clustered around
her 10 give their Moral Support.
After n or two Selections they
felt sufficiently Keyed 10 begin 20
hit up these Low down songs about
Baby and Chickens and Razors. No
n paid any Attention 10 the Lady
President who was of IN a Corner,
holding an Indignation Meeting
with the Secretary and the Vice
President.
When the Women began 10 sort
out the Men and order them to start
Home and all the Officers OF the
Club were giving Josephine the
Frosty Good Night, any one could
see that there was Trouble Ahead.
Next Day the Club held a Special
Session and expelled Josephine for
Conduct U~nbecoming a member,
and Josephine sent word to them
as follows:
Rats"
Then the Men quietly got together
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14

The Women were too Flushed and
Proud to Notice.
At $3.50 p. M. the Lady President
began to read a few Pink Thoughts
on Woman's Destiny-Why not?"
Along towards 9:15, about the time
the Lady President was begin
ming to show up Good and Earnest
Josephine Beadle. who was Circu-
lating around on the outskirts of
the ThrOng 10 make sure that
Everybody was Happy, made a Dis
covery. She noticed that the Men
standing along the Wall and in the
DOorways were not more than Six
ty Per Cent En- Rapport with the
Long Piece about Woman's Desti-
ny. Now, Josephine was right there
to see that Everybody had a Nice
Time and she didn't like 10 see the
Prominent Business Men OF the
Town dying OF Thirst or Leg Cramp
or anything like that, so she gave
Two or Three of them the Quiet
Wink and they tip-toed after her
out to the Dining Room, where
she ordered Refreshments anl said
they could slip out on the Side
Porch and Smoke if they wanted
to. Probably they preferred to go
back in the Front Room and hear
some mora about Woman's Des-
tiny. As soon as they could mus
ter their Emotions and get control
Of their Voices. they told Joseph
inc what thought OF ner. They
said she made the Good Samaritan
look like a Cheap Criminal and IL
she would only say the Word they
would begin to put Ground Glass
into the Food at Home. Then Jo-
sephine called them Boys" which
probably doesn't make a Hit with
one who is on the sloping side OF
As. More of the men seemed TO
awake TO the Fact that they were
overlooking something so they
came on the Velvet Foot back to
the Dining Room and declared
themselves In and .locked around
Josephine and called her Josie"
and Jose" They didn't care.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
TnE BLuNpER REcTIFIED.

After spending several million dol
lars On disappearing gun carriages, to
the great profit of the Bufington-Cro-
zier combination, the Board of Ordn-
ance and Fortiications has decided to
abandon the system, and go back to
some form of non-disappearing car
riage. This should have been done long
ago. A number of European govern
ments experimental with various forms
of disappearing carriages, and decided
years ago that they were too compli-
Gated and unreliable for active service.
This SHOULD have been a lesson for our
government, but just about that time
General Burlington came along with a
disappearing carriage a good deal more
complicated than anything they had
ever had across the water, and it was
promptly accepted and many large
guns were mounted upon this mechan-
ism. Experienced army officers warn
ed the government again and again
that a mistake was being made, but
the War Department would not listen
TO reason until General Burlington had
been amply compensated for an inven-
ton which should have been turned
down in the first place. Now these
costly carriages must be relegated to
the scrap pile, and we will follow the
European precedent. Inc Burlington
Crozier people have had a good thing,
financially, however.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
Fable 81 wa happened the nnb. the mn gae to The zzlOasaom>s OEssn

Winner. One thing the Lady Club
bers were Dead Set On. They were
going to have Harmony with an
Upper Case H. They were out to
cut a Seven-Foot Swath through
English Literature from Beowulf to
Bangs, inclusive, and no petty
Jealousies or Chickering's were to
stand in the way. So while they
were at the meeting they would
pull kittenish Smiles and Applaud
so as not to split the Gloves. Some
times they Kissed, too, but they al
ways kept their Fingers crossed.
Of course. when they got off in
Twos and Three they would pull the
little Meat-AXes out of the Reti-
cules and hack a few Monograms,
but that was to have been expected.
Everything considered, the Club
was a Tremendous Go. At each
Session the Lady President would
announce the Subject for the next
Meeting. For instance, She would
say that Next Week they would
take up Wyclif. Then every n
would romp Home to look in the
Encyclopedia of Authors and find
out who in the world Wyclif was.
On the following Thursday they
would have Wyclif down Pat and
be Primed for a Discussion. They
would talk about Wyclif as if he
had been down to the House for
Tea every evening that Week.
After the Club haa been running
for Six Months, it was beginning
to be strong on Dates and Quota
tons. The members knew that
Mrs. Browning was the wife of Mr..
Browning, that Milton had trouble
with his Eyes, that Lord Byron
wasn't all that he should have
been, to say the Least. They were
beginning to feel their Intellectual
Oats. In the meantime the Jewel
ler's Wife had designed a Club
Badge.
The Club was doing such Notable
Work thai some of the Members
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
by GEORGE AIDE.
1900, ROBERT HOWARD RUSSELL.

thought they ought to have a Spec
ial Meeting and invite the Men.
They wanted to put the Cap Sheaf
on a Profitable Season and at the
same time hand the Merited Re-
Duke to some of the Husbands and
Brothers who had been making
Funny Cracks.
1t was decided to give the Star
Programme at the Beadle Home
and after the Papers had been read
then all the Men and Five Women
who did not hold Office could file
through the Front Room and shake
Hands with the President, the vice
President, the Recording Secretary,
the Corresponding Secretary. the
Treasurer and the Members of the
various Committees, all of whom
were TO line up and Receive.
The reason the Club decided to
have the Brain Barbecue at the Bea-
die Home was that the Beadles
had such beautiful big rooms and
Double Doors. There was more or
less quiet Harpoon Work when the
announcement was made. Several
OF the Elderly Ones said that JOS
ephine Beadle was not a Repre-
sentative member of the Club. She
was Fair TO look upon, but she vas
not Pulling very Hard for the Up
lifting of the Sex. 1t was suspected
that she Came to the Meetings Just
TO Kill Time and to see what the
Others were Wearing. She refused
TO Buckle down to Literary Work.
for she was a good deal more inter
ested in the Bachelors who filed
the Windows Of the new Mems
Club than she was in the Butler
who wrote "Hudibras." So why
should she have the Honor of en-
tertaining the Club at the Annual
Meeting? Unfortunately. the mem
bers who had the most Dung under
their Bonnets were not the ones
who could come to the Front with
large Rooms that could be thrown
Together, so the Beadle Home got
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14

PEELED to strike, and then the operator
and the jobber and retailer combine to
squeeze the public. The game has been
worked many a time and oft, as it will
be in the future. until the public thor
oughly appreciates the situation and
takes appropriate action. The coal
combines in the anthracite region OF
Pennsylvania are amongst the worst
of robbers, for they hold up miner and
consumer alike, while the people Of the
entire State foot the bills for the mill
tary, unnecessarily called out. Some
of these days the people will regulate
little matters like coal ~monopolies, and
then the boal barons' chickens will
come home to roost and there will be a
great howl.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14

where these studies ar-re taught,
it's undhershtud that sven bet
Their thin gettin' tn civic ideel Is
bein' head iv a thrust, TIL on'y
trouble with tn coorse is that whin
Pareky comes out loaded with Loft
tiness iv Purpose, all tn lofts is
full Nv men that had to figure 1t out
on tn farm.
Il don't understand a wurrud iv
what ye're sayin'," said Mr.. Hen
messy.
No more do l." said Mr.. Dooley.
But l believe It's as Father Kelly
says: 'Childher students be STINT
to school to larn, but 70 larn how
to ,Grn. / don't care what ye larn
thin so long as It's unpleasant to
Thin IT'S thrainin' they need,
Hinnissy. That's all. | niver cud
make use v what | larned in coli
ledge abo~k thrigojoomethry an
an-gramS1ar; an tn welts ! got
on tn sEall firm tn schoolmas-
theirs cane / have niver been able
TO turn 10 amy account In tn
business, but twas IN beIn' there
an havin' TO get things to heart
without askin' tn meanin' iv thin
an goin' to school cold an comm
home hungry, that made tn man w
me We see befure ye."
That's why tn good woman's
throubled about Parcky,"' said Mr..
Hennessy.
Go home" said Mr.. Dooley.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
WANT N WORTH.

Over at Columbus, the gamblers
claim that they have paid for pro-
lection. and they propose to have it,
eve if they have to go to law about it.
They want value received for their
money. A telegram from the city
named says:
Last night NJ. p. Murnane, who op-
crates n of the largest faro games
in the State, called on Mayor Swartz
at his house and had a heart to heart
talk with him. Murnane is under
derstood to have tolo the Mayor just
what would happen if the sporting men
OF the city were not given a fair deal.
"Ollie NJ. Evans, the Director of Pub
lie Safety, got the same dose, while
Frank Kelley, who operates a poolroom
in this city called on Chester Stands,
who is accused of being the collector
for the administration, and intimated
10 him that unless all hands were
treated fairly there would be trouble"
1t would appear that these Columbus
officials are in an awkward situation.
Unless they lie and perjure themselves
they will probably have to carry out
the agreements made. But then, an
official who will accept money for not
doing his duty, won't hesitate to both
lie and commit perjury. A criminal
in n thing, a criminal in all.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
CIVILIZATIONS


Chicago News.
A kiss is an explosion of condensed emo
ton.
1t is a well-known fact that the average
pig-headed man is a bore.
Sometimes 1T is the cashier that gets the
best Of the run on the bank.
A man never knows how much he really
loves a girl until she rejects him.
This Is the season of the year when you
can get what you don't want really cheap.
If facts speak for themselves, what won
derful facts some women's tongues must
be.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
CURRENT POETRY.
THE VOID,

Oh. the daylight. yellow. lonely.
Oh. the dark with its chilly toucht
sweet, the day would be golden, only
Could | forget TO grieve so much!
Could I but think OF you as waiting
1Not as wandering through the hours).
Night would be more than weary hating.
Dark would blossom in fiery lowers.
Oh. | have guessed il, hoped IL, prayed Ii.
Cried for ii. bled for it, died for 1t, dear.
Only to know-to KNOW death made it
Only our door TO a further here
Never a whisper. breath of you dreaming,
Never a cold. soft touch at night!
Never a sound or a sense of seemnng
Never a SHADOW 10 bless my sight!
Come to me, dear, II ever so feeting
The one little touch or clasp or kiss,
Life is more than the red hearts beatingi
Come TO me, sweetheart! Tell me this!
Post Wheeler.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
Necessary to DissembIe.

That's the q%ueerest countryman 1 ever
saw" said the observant man at the bur
lesque show. He looks as if the ballet
bored him to DEATH
"Oh, he's enjoying it, all right" replied
the other, but he has to look that way.
His wife is there along side of him"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
THE AUTUMN A

The days are growing short, alas.
The mellow autumn's here;
The grapes are crimson IN the press,
The leaves are pale ana sers.
The grass is yellow on the meads
The hills are blue and haze;
The cider mill begins 10 hum
All, ooleful autumn days.
Across the spreading fields the scent
OF roses comes no more,
The fence is bare that was so fair
With fragrant peas before.
The summers dead. The robin sings
Its a farewell 10 the lark.
And. oh. it's such a little while
From 3 o'clock till dark.
5. II Kiser.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-10-14
Mine Rats Feel the Strike.

Philadelphia North ArAr.can.
Tie mine rats are showing the effect Of
the strike. The miners report that when
they eat their dinner the rats flock around
them like chickens. and are becoming so
savage. as food becomes scarce, that the
men are fearful that in a short time they
VIII he attacked while attending to their
duties.