Pike County press. (Milford, Pa.) 1895-1925, 1900-04-13
VOL. v.
THE CRANK INVENTOR.

Now this title is not intended to
apply 90 the inventor of the crauk,
for the crank. in mechanics, is an
exceeding useful appliance. while
the crank TO which yonr attention is
now directed is cf an entirely differ;
ent order and seems to have been
created for the same purpose ms the
New Jersey mosquito-to bore hum
anity.
The crank is generally long, lank
ard lean, with deep sunken eyes and
wrinkled brow, long whiskers and
unkept hair, and generally seedy
appearance, altogether indicative of
overwork in an Improbable busi-
ness.
He approaches you on tip-toe and
in low squeaky voice breaks the
intellis ence that he is an inventor
and wishes to show you Il model or
explain one of his schemes for revo-
lutionizing whatever may be in his
line. Emboldened by your astonish-
ed look and patient manner, he
rushes on at rapid rate in his de.
scription, frequently cllnching his
assertions by, to others, uninteligi-
BILE mathematical formulae and ag.
ricultural statistics.
If it is not the solution of the int
ricate problem of perpetual motion.
the perfection of hying-machine.
or the building of new-fargled
collar-button, you may rest assur-
ed that what will be oxpounded will
be something in the line of Naval
Construction. The latter is a favor.
ite hobby with erratic inventors and
they invariably start business with
an amount of knowledge about ships
in general and war-vessels in parti.
cular that would eclipse the combin-
ed information and learning possess
ed by all the naval architects extant.
After many years of eXcruciat:ng
thought and the consumption of un-
measurable quantities of mid night
oil, one has discovered that the thing
needed TO make our battle-ships in
vulnerable to the fire of the enemy 3
IL inch guns, is to place "A layer of
cotton wadding, the ordinary seven
cents for two bundles variety-back
of the armor plates, thus giving
them such an elasticity that, on
striking, the proiectile will simply
rebound as does a billiard ball when
it strikes the cushion. Another
would accomplish like results by set
ting up the armor plates against
rows of springs. This latter idea
was possibly conceived during the re-
bound when this brilliant man in a
moment of thoughtlessness sat down
in an over-stuffed chair.
But marvellous as seems these sug-
gestions they are "cast in the shade"
by the invention of the genius who
has rendered arnor plate .unnecess-
airy by his wonderful, though at the
same time exceedingly simple de.
vice. The problem of how TO obvi
ate the payment of more than SI66.
per ton for armor is now solved.
All that is necessary is to construct
ships with row of funnel shaped
openings along the sides, the OPEN
ings being connected across the ship
by pipes. The enemy's fire, no mat
ter how destructive to ordinary
ships, would prove harmless to one
of this construction for the projec-
tiles, entering the tunnels, woul go
clear through aid drop out on the
other side. But an important i'm
provement on this idea is proposed,
and may be patented-someday-
that is to hang a basket on the fun
mel on the opposite side of the ship
AMI thus save projectiles 80 that
they may be thrown back at the
enemy.
A suit invulnerable to rife balls
was offered for the protection of the
men, behind-the-guns the author of
this life-saving device was informed
that if he would, in order to demon
strate its utility, put on the suit and
allow some of his friends 10 fire at
him, the Department would, if he
survived, be pleased to negotiate for
the purchase of his patent. He has
not been heard from, but is sincere
ly hoped that he did not undertake
Ihe test.
That man has not a complete
monopoly of inventions for the de-
struction of our National foes is
shown by the model of war-shlI
submitted by one of the fair sex.
This unique device consists of an up
per deck hinged IN such q manner
that when the enemy boards the
vessel, the deck opens like two huge
horizontal doors, drops the foe down
into the hold and then closes al
ready for another catch. OF course
it might be interesting to know what
TO do with a whole snip load of fight
inn ma. Loln.-. l....I- a IT,. .-n.1 an1