davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
A P0RTlY GENTLEMAN.
But Not the Gentleman He Was Mistaken
For.
From the Brooklyn TImes

From the Brooklyn Times.
portly gentleman, whose somewhat
scanty hair was slightly tinged with gray
boarded a Madison avenue car at Twenty
>third street the other day. His clothes
were OF good material and modest IN col
or. His face was massive. the nose being
pointed just tTifie toward the chin. His
mustache. which was brown, partly COW
cred his mouth, and there was a very p:O-
nounced double chin that showed unmis-
takably between a wide-opened collar
This tendency TO obesity was not CON
fined TO the chin, for when the owner
turned around ii was noticed that there
was a wrinkle IN the flesh al The point
where the neck and head met, which vas
not altogether hidden By the few remain
ing locks Of hair.
All OF the seats were occupied and the
gentleman supported himself with an
ebony cane. He rode standing for several
blocks without attracting particular at
tentiOn, until man sitting In front o. n!n
leaned toward his nelghbor and said:
That's eX-PTesident Cleveland -
1T is?' asked the otner, are YOU cer-
tain?'
Yes, / am certain" whispered the first
speaker I've seen him too often.
think I'll offer him my seat"
Suiting MS actions to MS words, the
man got up and bowed. Won't you have
my seat. SIR he asked.
parent ex-President. "nein. =" Whsress
the man who mad offered the seat gaf
down again and said something about
somebody being - fool
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
4 Hint 10 Money.maker..
From Lkslle,s Weekly.

From Leslle's Weekly
We are no different from other great
financial nations. We may be in better
circumstances than most OF them with a
larger surplus OF gold. and in some re-
spects & better balance-sheer, but the
sharp rise in the interest rate IN England
is a warning signal OF what We NAV er
pect before many months have passed
The fact that the best English STOCKS
and bonds have had an abnormal declIns
OF late is another danger signal Iyher
London local loan guaranteeing 2 nar
cent. a security or the best kind. fsu
only be foated al -: and when EugiisE
consOls. prime security. drop from lg
10 below par; and when a Queens ana 2
per cent. Loan, backed by the wealth ~
one OF the best OF Britains cOIonles can
not be placed at e, IL j. time 10 betty.
that money Is dear in England anl ,y;u
be dearer in other European caplfais ana
In our own market before We ave nass...f
the excitement OF a Presidential el~ctIon
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
Gel. Cochrau's Chalk -tsry.

| That started the subject OF innocent
| fibs. or what Charles Reade denominateo
white lies" and Col Charles F. COch-
ran. OF 81 Joseph. expatIated as follows:
!, when I was living at Atchlson. Kanz-,
| I've men, Benton and CheeseborOugh,
we're candidates for mayor. Benton had a
peculiar way Of his own OF making accu-
s2tlOns' against any one with whom he
had any controversy. He did Il by tell
Ing story. In this campaign he wanted
70 have Il understood that Cheeseb0T-
ough, who weighed about 90. was a great
lar, and not desiring to do It directly and
In terms. he told this story In a public
speech. Ladies and gentlemen the other
night / dreamed died and went up 10 the
gates OF heaven and asked st. Peter 20
let me IN. Instead Of doing that he hand
ed me piece or chalk as big as a water
bucket. / was amazed and asked him
what ! was to do with it, That" replied
ST. Peter. 'is TO write down on a big
blackboard which you will find al the foot
Of the hill all the les you told while on
earth" VIII ] need all this chalk" /
inquired Of St Peter Yes" he answer
ed some o. them need more" | started
sorrowfully down the bill, conjuring up
from memory all the lies ] ever toll.
about half way down I met my opponent,
Mr., Cheeseborough. He was perspiring
freely, blowing Ike a porpoise. toilIng up
the hlll. ! said. "CheesebOrough, where
are you going?7 After more chalk" an
swered Cheeseborough, st Peter didn't
give me half enough.
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
joys BODi,0mlus.

Prejudice and bigotry are not unknown
among the statesmen who assemble In the
capitol As rule they are kindly and
courteous. Many political Opposites and
antagonists are bosom Cronies. For exam
PIE, Allen q. Thurman, the Old Roman
and Roscoe Conkling, the naughty and
superb were the closest of friends Like
wise Thurman and George F. Edmunds.
once OF Vermont, now of Philadelphia
COnkling was so particular about his
health and manly beauty that he was
not only a JcetOtaler as 10 alcoholic liq-
uors, Dut was one of the most abstemious
OF mOrJals even in his diet. Thurman and
Edmunds liked a nip occasionally, and
they took II generally together. Their
chumminess was proverblal, and the neWs-
paper correspondents sOlemnly averred
that when the great Ohioan felt thirsty he
would arise grayely in his place ana wave
his Ted bandana toward the illustriOus
Green MOuntaineer as a signal for irriga-
lion II that failed 10 attract his friends
attention, he would give a blast from his
proDoscis into that red bandana which
made the rsfters ring. Then In company
these TWO masterful senatorial gladiators
would journey 10 the RESTAURANT in the
, basement and drink 10 the health of Bac-
chus.
Another famous friendship between men
of opposite parties was that Of Thomas
Er4ckett Reed and William Bourke Cock
IAN.
There are, however. many exceptions to
the good comradeship Of Representatives
and Senators Al ! rough estimate !
would say there are at least twenty Pc
publicaHs In the House who regard the
Big aisle separating the Democratic and
Republican sides as sort o. political
dedilu- over which they never cross, and
iCst about The same number of Democrats
VINO, look upon IL ia the same wIy>
Hon Charles r Joy, Republican Rep
Itseutative from 81. Louis, while a stanch
partisan. dCet not take cOgnizance OF po-
HtieaI lines IN forming his personal as
SOCiati3ns. lie WAS mace fOr friendship
ana enjoyment His name Is no mis-
nOmer. He has as many friends on the
Democratic side az upon the Republican
lie is the only Congressman l know cf
wAO would enjoy giving a dinner to u
company made NJ entirely Of his political
opponents and listen eleefully 20 them
while they discussed his elaborate mem,
and current politics for TWO mortal hours
This he did Tecentl> az MS handsome su-
DGrD1n residence Al Cleveland Park IL
was unique affair. Democratic Seua-
tors. Democratic Representatives, and
Democratic newspaper correspondents
We're his guests Joy was the only Re
Publican al The table.
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21

| cost s1ze. but I'm not Mrs Thompson
Youn marry again, OF course, and yogli
need all your money 10 fam out with.
Second wives alius fam Yours viii want
new dishpan. new curtains. new knives
and forks. and as many as three new
tabIeeioths the very fust thing. Speak.n'
OF tablecl0ths. Samuel. I've made the last
new one last seven years. / don't expect
any praise fur II, but when your second
wife shakes one all to pieces IN six
months you'll see a difference. What kind
Of 2 second wife are you goin' TO marry
Samuel? You needn't BE- afraid to tell me.
fur there isn't jealous hair in my head.
VIII she be old or yOungg''
Mr.. Gallup yawned and stretched. and
thrust out his legs, but he had nothing 10
saE.
Mrs. Roedecker says yol'l probably
marry a young chit of seventeen. and
Mrs Jackson says you'll probably look
fur a widder with as many as five cows,
but | amt goin' 10 find TO fault IN either
case. On the contrary. ] kinder pity you.
Second wives allus smash and break and
bust Things, and II you cay anything
they'll sass back and pull hair. You'll be
rid of me and my trubbles. Samuel. but
there'll be times when you'll sit down on
the sash bench outdoors and wish / was
back. Yes, you'll acknowledge to yourself
that I was hardworkin' and savin' AMI
that | was no hand to CAD about. but I'll
be an angel, and you'll hey TO plug along
the best you kin without me. That's all.
Samuel. and / will now die and hey il
over with
She stretched out on the lounge and
folded her hands and closed her eyes, and
for ten minutes there was silence. Then
Mr.. Gallup yawned again, looked around
and saw her there, and as he rose up 10
wind the clock and go to bed he observed:
You'd better turn the cat outdoors and
see If the kitchen window is fastened up"
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
Joe Biackburn's secret of you,b

w. ;. Daniel, of the Republic. said.
Joe Blackburn was ir Washington late
iy. friend met him and remarked. Hoe.
somehow you have managed to reverse
the order of nature and instead of grow
ing older as the years go by You appear
TO be getting younger My dear friend >
replied the genial Kentuckian. in nv six
years enforced rusticatiOn from the Sen
ate / have discovered the secret of per
petual youth for which so many phiIoso-
pherS and savants have searched and
striYen and expended money in vain.
Tell me the secret at once, Joe. If Won
love me. for | am growing old and feeble >
The secret is this answered Blackburn:
leave sugar and all other condiments out
OF your whisky and take 1t straight
That's the secret of perpetual youth. It
beats Brown-SeGuards nostrums and in
jecting goat serum into old men all hol-
low. If I had discovered this marvellous
secret fifty years ago ! would be a boy
yet"
That recalled Blackburn'S mot made on
? train. A man approached him and ask
ed. lis this not Mr.. So-and-so, of Indi-
ana?" NO" replied Blackburn; "the rea-
son ! look so bad is that have been sick
for about a month. That's the reason you
made the mistake" CHAMP CLARK.
fConvriSht 1aOA Iv Chsmn Clark
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
In Devious Boston.

From the Cincinnati Enquirer.
Capt. E. r. Montfort, the postmaster. is
the possessor Of fund Of numor and
doesn't mind telling a good story. even
iT the joke happens TO be On himself
A yeay ago, In company with his family.
he visited Boston and was a guest at the
fremont House. One morning the rest of
the party being absent on a shopping
tour, the captain made up his mind TO 20
out and see the Hub" He determined 10
walk about aimlessly fer three hours.
gather in all the sights, and then take
the shortest route back 20 his hotel. The
captain sailed forth, and for the stated
time wandered through the streets Of
Boston. gazing into shop windows. looking
az monuments, and enjoying himself
thoroughly. At last, tired out by his long
walk, in which he calculated he must
have covered at least ten miles, he step
ped up 10 a stalwart police officer stand
ing on an adjacent corner and said:
"Oftcer, can you direct me 10 the near
est route TO the fremont HOuse?"
The paIrOlman eyed Capt Montfort
quiZzically for a moment and then re-
piled.
Well, sorr, ye moight cut aorost In
strdte L tn front dure, but if Oi were Won
Old walk over on tn crossing beyant''
capt MOntfort had walked for three
nc 1rS. and had wandered back 10 a point
opposite the front door OF his hotel
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
OLD zEB WHITE.
He Tells Hsw Bear. Saved His MesnshiHe
sill in Tennessee.

Wed bin maxim mOonshine whisky
over In the big ravine fur about three
weeks" said the old 'pcssum hunter OF
Tennessee. when a thumpin bis bar
cum down out Of the thicket one day ard
acted I'm a mighty Gurus way. IL was IN
the summer and he was sheddin his fur,
and. though I had my rife handy. ! didn
keer 10 shoot him. That bar smelt the
whisky. and he shifted and snuffed and
seemed To want a taste I ho,lered AZ
him and driv him of two or three times.
but he kept comm back. Nv ole woman
had come over with my supper. and arter
watchin the bar fur awhile she said:
'Zeb. that bar wants drink of con
Juice, suah's yo'r bon, and I'm fur givIn
it 10 him
Il laughed at the idea. but as he con-
tinued 70 hang around the place the ole
woman poured about a pint of the stuff
into pan and set il on a stone thirty
rods away. She had skassly turned her
back befO' the bar was lappin IL up. and
he smacked his lips over 1t jest like a
man. In a leetle while he walked off.
and later on We heard sich a row down
around the bend that We crept down to
see what il was 1t was our bar ana his
mate. That pint of whisky had made our
bar feel mighty jelly. and he was in
sistin that the other bar dance around
and roll over with him. One was drunk
and jolly. and the other sober and mad
and the way they carried OF was as good
az a circus. Next day both bars showed
up fur whisky. and went OFF as jolly as
you please. and half an hour later I
walked right up TO them as they slept
and snored. l wasn't fur givin away any
mo- Ticker, but the ole woman thinks K
over and says:
q" Zeb, the fur of them bars won't be
wuth shucks fur three months. but what's
the matter with shettin' the Varmints I'D
In our outdoor cellar fur the rest of the
summer? / reckon We kin manage to feed
'em. and each hide will fetch SD as soon
as the fur is prime
I decided tnat ii was & good idea. and
We put out hull quart of whisky fur EN-,
but fur some reason they had left the nav
burhood. The old woman reckoned they'd
got ashamed of themselves and gone off to
avoid temptashun, and / kinder figgerel
that they was off sTreadin' the news and
invitun' other bars to come along and
sheer good thing. We'd about given up
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21

The debate on the Porto Rican .ariT
bill gave rise TO many funny. some dra-
matte. and a few pathetic STOKES. which
are tod about the Capitol by intimate 70
intimate, most OF them under injuucfons
%! secrecy. But here's one upon which no
such embargo was placed, and I give II to
my readers as one Of The amusing feat
uTes oi current politics:
Hon. Frank Marion EDDY is the FIST "a
tive % Minnesota ever elected 10 on
gFesS from that State. He 10 an able. In
'asirious, s,ud.0us. and sedatc man. but
has d streak o. dry humof in his mental
make up Not long since he edited the
,!OakTJom with this choice mors-l lie
said The other day I received "a letter
from man In my district, a. follow g:
Dear Mr. Eddy-Some Of the fellows are
giving you the very old Harry about your
vote OIL the Porto Rican bill. So-aud-so
and his gang are against you. Myself and
nay irlend' indorse and uphold your posi-
lion. BY the way. Frank. what Is your
pos tlOnT"
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
Is Japan Worse Than China 2
From LesIle's Weekly.

From Leslie's Weekly.
A comparison of the character Of the
two nations presents series of the most
! remarkable contrasts. The Chinese are
the most democratic people the world has
ever seen, and every attempt TO fasten
upon them a feudal system or a nobility
has utterly failed. Their rulers have ever
risen from the humblest classes by merit,
and no reform has ever succeeded until
| the people themselves have arisen in their
might and demanded it. As a comm arcial
people their business integrity Is recog-
nized as unequaled. Their moral stand
ards and ideals are clean and sound. and
the average of practice compares favora-
bly, with that of our Anglo-Saxon. Their
ethical system and philosophy are ton-
servative and distinctly Teutonic in char.
acter.
The Japanese. on the other hand, have
from the earliest times recognized the
feudal system and maintained a hered-
itary nobility. The aTistocracy has kept
the people in subsection and the masses
have accepted such government as their
feudal lords have seen fit to give them.
They have developed no civilization Of
their own. All that they have that is
worth anything IS borrowed from the
*
their literature, their religion, their phi
lcsophy, their knowledge of business, and
their system Of coinage are all taken from
the Chinese. The best strains in their
blood are those that have fed from China,
and even their present reigning dynasty
is descended from a renegade Chinaman.
But the cunning, oblique and superficial
Malay character in their blood has made
IL impossible Tor them 10 truly aSsimlilte
anything that they have borrowed
Their moral standards are fantastic in
the extreme, while their lack of CONNER
cial integrity is proverbial. An unmar-
ried woman could bear several children
by different fathers, yet neither lose her
social position nor inJure her chances Of
marriage. For centuries they would NOT
even trust each other, but left the busi
ness OF banking entirely in the hands Of
Chinese, while at present the cashiers
and trusted men of all the great houses
doing business in Japan are Chinese.
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
Important Testimony Omitted

From the salt Lake Tribune
An eX-justice Of the peace tells the fol.
lowing story: During the time he va. n
office young man was brought m he.
fore him on the charge or gambling. The
evidence was conclusive, and The Judge
imposed a fine. which was paid on nj.
spot. When the case adjourned. The de.
fendant remained behind and asked IN.
judge for a few moments canyersatiop
II nc case Is over" he began, and The
fine has been paid, ana It's settled As far
as that goes. bat / want 10 tell Won bou
IL happened You see, The cop told u~ II
NE didn't stop playing he'd run us la
Well, We We're playing a Jackpot | had an
ace. three queens aad king before fbs
draw. | discarded the ace and k{ns sr5
drew another queen. There We're pooI
hands out against Ee, and they tried ~
biun me out, and / stayed with Them
Now. what want 10 know Is Whsi
you would have done ia q case Ike that,
Stayed with them II the gall0ws had
been in sight" cried the excited nudge
Why, ia the name OF common sense rs
not that evidence brought out AZ tbe
trislI'
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
Bleed In His I've.
60 - chle.ro TrIbnne-

EForl TIE LILt@fo IFIblle-
Excited C2ller-YOu rented me a house
a week or TWO ago which you said was on
enc of the most fashionable drives Ia the
city,
Real Estate Agent-I believe I dld.
Excited Caller-I believe you did. You
said II was frequented daily by the beat
people In town. find IL Is. It's the fash
ionable drive TO the cemetery. Half a
dozen Dig funeral PROFESSIONS pass my
house every 1ay In the week Which
Will you co-siand a lawsuit or fight?
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
An Educated Parro.

in Mr. joys library was a fire. large,
ic4uSclous green parrot, which attract
eF much attention by making all sorts of
irrelevant remarks. W. f. Edwards. of
the Kansas City Times. said: THAT par
Iot reminds me OF story heard recent
~ An lrlshman was going by o store in
front OF which hung cage inhabited by
hashlhceht green parrot, which kept
repeating In a loud voice: God save the
queen! God save the Queen The Irish
man, with clinched fist. made n rusb ar
the cage and yelled. If il were not for
the color OF your feathers, I'd drag We
out OF there and wiring your neck "
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
Uncle Joe Cnnnsn's Mel,

Joy told this racy story OF Uncle joe
Cannon, chairman OF the House Appro,
priatlOns Committee. Senator Tom Car
isT. Of Montana, and William Mckinley
President or the United States: Short ly
after the election or 1850" quoIh JOY
Mckinley, Cannon. ana Carter all three
of whom mad gone down In the landslide
met by accident Ia Chicago and got 10
swapping experiences OF the campaign.
Mckinley said: Well. / Was defeated bui
ny bill Is right IL viii be a great bless
Ing 70 the country, snd ] DO not regret
the result. Iadeed. / would rather have
passed my tarir bill and been defeated
lhan 20 have failed - pass IN and been
elected Hhsrsupon Cannon replied
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
A.an Eylaeaes Of Gasa Yaith

FF0m tAe taitsko Tfltan-.
Concerning this charge OF Official cor
rupiion they are beginning to whisper
against you, Senator" conddentlalIy in
ahjred the man with the sOiied hands and
the notebook, have you anything 10 give
out for publication
have something 10 give out. young
man. -'s1ponded Senator I.otSmun, dark-
-: but II Is not for publication.
ihen tnere VAS a clinklnx. metallic
sound, and all was SUI
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
Discovered.

From the Detrst Journal
AT the hotels they passed unobseryed:
likewise IN the cars.
But when they went through the Treas
ury at Washington. their guide. without
the slightest hesitation. placed In the
hands Of the woman a package contain
ing the sum Of S390y0 Gye
on, how did you guess I was 4 bride? ?''
she faliered. In sweet cOnfusIon for Sbe
had deemed their secret safe.
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
The FSfessar-

From the Chicago Tribune
II can't believe man Is telling tbs
truth" observed the doctor, when y.
says. a few hours after he has bsen
knocked out In q prize fight, that %
never felt better In his life II sounds
fshy."
More than that" remarked ths nro.
fessor. III sounds sharkey."
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
Adelaide. BasiBe-, Head.

From the san Francisco Examiner
Adelaide has a shirt waist with Won.
derboolts tailoTs tag on it; ana IL cost
81"
What extravagaacer'
''oh. she is getting her money back"
How
Renting II 10 othsv sirIs 81 81 On altar.
noon"
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
His Happy Thought,

From the San FrxnoiscO Examiner
I've thought % q capital nom de plume ''
said Harry, who sometimes writes for the
newspapers
What is lt?' asked Henrietta.
viii L. Aarrimee "
Why, Of course / viii, you goose" she
answered. rs that what you have been
trying so long 10 say?''
After which there was no escape for
him.
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21

Now. look here. Mac. it's ali right for US
to tell that tale to the people We ali
talk THAI wsy. IL IL a sort Of salve FOR
cur bruises. But - me II see any sense
IN our hbbinR. TO each other, for defeat
hurts, however much We may smile" "
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
CLOAK ROOM STORIES
Champ Clark on the Amusing
Features of Politics.
REPRESENTATIVE EDBY'S MORSEL

Daizell Edits an OratoricaI Gem - Col.
Cochran Mixed His Metaphor - Hew
Thurman -isnaled EdmaHds that Ia VI as
Time 10 IrTigate - Famous Friendships
and CahneE-Iienton's Odd Campaigning.
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
FARMING PAPEK3
THE WEEKLY posi-, 75c.

Farm Journal 20.
Richmond Times fsemi-weeklyO u
American Queen. ~ It. o. a
Special price Tor the four. only vi"
The WsekIy Post, 73e.
Farm and Home. Dc.
Pocket Dictionary. >
Pocket Atlas. -. a..
forft.s sample copies address ne 9''''a'"'
each paper efest
The Washington weekly post., 1900-08-21
The Weekly Post
Clubbing List for 1900:

m Your home paper clubs with The Weekly Pss.
Wrts them for rates
The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1900-01-01
DR.. MCMILLAN Surprised.

\ pleasant surprise party was tend
cred Saturday night 10 DR.. Mcmillan,
government physician, at his home at
Waianae. Light refreshments were
served, and native quintette club
furnished music for the party, which
lasted from to . o'clock. Those who
assisted in ma ng the occasion sue
cess were: d. and Mrs. Meyers, Mr..
and Mrs. GilliEnd, Mr.. and Mrs. Nor
ton, Mr.. Wolf, Mr.. and Mrs. Sheppard,
Miss Sheppard. Mr.. and Mrs. Guild,
Miss Mcmillan. Mr.. Murray. Mr.. Kerr
and others.