Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1900-09-12
MR.. D00LEY ON THE TROUBLES
OF A CANDIDATE.
BY r. r. Dunno.

I wisht it'd begin" said Mr.. Hen
| messy. Il niver knew anything so
| dead. They amt been so much as
black eye give or took in tn ward, an
it's less thin two months to tn big
| day."
Twill liven up" said Mr. Dooley. 81
begin TO see signs iv tn good times
comm again. Twas on'y tn other day
me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt opened tn
battle mildly be insinuatin that all
| dimmycrats was liars, horse thieves an
| arnychists. 'Tis thrue he apologized FIR
that be explainin' that he didn't mean
al dimnycrats. but on'y those that
| wudden't vote FIR Mack, but | think
he'll take tn copper off before NANNY
weeks. A ladin' dimmicrat rayformer
has suggested that Mack, though a good
man FIR an idiot, is surrounded be tn
! vest scoundhrels jver see in public
life since tn days iv Joolyus Caesar tn
| S1crety Nv tn Threeasury has declared
that Mr.. Bryan, in sayin' that silver
is not convertible be tn terms iv tn
i Slatthry bankin' law iv 1870, an tn
sicond clause Nv tn threaty iv Cans
vile. has committed tn onpard nable
pollytical sin iv so conSthructin' tn
tacfs as to-open up tn possibility iv
wan not KNOWN tn thrue position iv
affairs, misunderstanding intirely If
1 he had him outside he'd call him liar
III Raypublicans have proved that Will
lum Jennings Bryan is a thraitor be
tn letther written be Dr. Lem Stog
| gins, tn cillybrated anti-thought agi-
tator Nv Spooten Duyvil, to Aggynaldoo
in which he calls uponhim to do nothin'
| till he hears firm tn doc. TIL letther
was STINT through tn postal authorities
an as they have established no post
office in Aggynaldoo's hat they cuddent
deliver 1t, an they opened 1t. Upon
r-readin' tn letther Horace Plog iv
| White Horse, Minnesota, has wrote
/ to Wilum jennings Bryan declarin' that
| If he (Plog) liver whit to tn Ph'lipeens,
| which he wud've done but FIR tn way
| tn oats was sproutin' in tn stack, an
had been hit with a bullet he'd ixpict
tn coroner to hold Bryan to tn gran
| jury. This was followed be tn publi-
cation iv letthe firm Oscar l.. Swub.
! iv East Persepalis, Ohio, declarin that
| his sister heerd a cousin iv tn man
| that washad buggies in livery stable
In Canton say Maeks hired man toll
| him Mack'd be hanged before he'd with
| dhraw tn ARMY firm Cuba"
| oh, guess tn campaign is dom as
| well as cud be ixpicted | see tn ray
| publican pa-apers that Andrew Car
negte has come out f'r Bryan an has
| contributed wan half iv his income or
| five hundred millyon dollars to tn
campaign fund. In tn dimmycratic
| pa-apers l r-read that Chairman Jim
Jones has intercepted letther fir N
| tn Prince Nv Wales to Mack congrat-
ulatin' him on his appointment as gin5-
leman in waitin to tn queen. A dill
| lygation iv Mormons has started firm
| dimmycratic headquarters to thank
| Mack FIR his manly sthand in favor iv
| polygamy an tn republican comfy
has undher consideration a letther
! firm long term criminals advisln' taeir
| colleagues at large to vote f'r Willum
Jennings Bryan, tn frind Nv crime.
| In few short weeks, Hlnnissy,
| twill not be safe f'r ayther iv tn can
| dydates to come out on tn front
| porch till tn waitin obligations has
| been sarched be a polisman. IT'S tn
| divvles own time tn la-aGs that r-runs
| FIR tn PRESIDENCY has since that OIL boy
| Burchard broke loose again James G.
Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan iv his
| thrusty hinchman to his side an says
he: Mike put on a pig-tail, an blue
shirt an take a obligation iv Chinny-
men out to Canton an congratulate
Mack on tn murdher iv misslon'ries
in China. An he says, we might stop
off at Cincinnati on tn way over an
arrange fr a Mckinley an Rosenfelt
| club to illicit tn British Consul its pris-
| idint an attack tn Office iv tn Ger
man newspaper he says, Mark Han
ma rings f'r. his sicrety an says he:
| Have We got off tn letther firm George
| Fred Willums advisin' Aggynaldo to
4 pizen tn wells? Yes, sir An tn
secret communication firm Bryan found
] on an arnychist at Patterson askin'
| him to blow up tn White House?' It's
in tn hands iv tn typewriter. Thin
call up an empleymint agency, an
| have a obligation Nv Jesuts dhrop in
| at Lincoln. with a message firm tn
| pope proposin to BURN all Protestant
churches the night befure iliction.'
Il tell We, Hinnissy, tn candidate is
kept movin'. Whin he sees a dillysa-
| ton pikin' up tn lawn he must De
| r-ready. lie makes a flynn leap FIR
| tn chairman, seizes him be tn throat
| an says: i thank We 7 IN KIM slH-
! timints We have conveyed. / am in
| deed as We have remarked. tn rip
| risintative IN tn party iv manhood,
honor, courage, liberality an American
! TRADITIONS. Take that back 10 Jimmy
| Jones an tell him to put 1t in his pipe
| an smoke H. With which he bounds
| into tn house an locks III dure while
tn baffied conspirators goes down to
customer an changes their disguise.
| If TIL future prisidint hadn't been quick
on tn dhraw he'd been committed TO
| a policy " sthranglin all girl babies
| at birth.
| mo. It's no aisy job bein' candy
date. an 'tud be no aisy job II tn game
| iv photographs was tn on'y wan tn
candydates had TO play. Willnm Jen-
nings Bryan is photographed smilin
back at his srnilin corn fields. in pair
iv blue overalis with a scythe in his
hand borried firm tn comp'ny that's
playin' The OF Homestead al the Linz
coin Gran Op'ry Huse. Tn mex day
| Mack is seen mindin' rustic chair
| with a monkey vrinch. Bryan has
| pitcher took in tn act Nv putin on
| shirt marked with the union label. an
| they'se another photograph of Mack
1 : IT, r.nf ,tv1 collar