The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 18??-1935, 1900-11-09
Congress of
Monkeys.
An Indignant Protest
Against Darwin's Theory.


the vicinity of historic Timbuctoo.
the principal monkey tribes of both
h-mispheres. By common consent
Gorilla Africanus assumed the chair.
A sound like rolling thunder, pro-
duced by the president shifting his
Expansive chest with his brawny
fists, brought the meeting to order.
When the chatter and hubbub and
creaking of branches, incident to the
asst milling OF so vast concourse,
had sufficiently subsidized, the presi-
dent arose and stated tie object Of
the meeting, which was TO resent
The oratuitous insult offered to
monkeydom by a prominent mem
b-i of the species biped and genus
homo, named Darwin. This Darwin,
Gorilla africans continued, with.
out cause or provOcatiOn, had ad-
vanced the pre- pOsterous opinion that
the ancestors of the monkeys, whose
representatives were seated or sus
pended above him, were also the
progenitors of the present human
race. Prolonged groans and hisses
and howls of rage. He hoped the
meeting would freely express itself
on the subject and prove beyond the
peradventure of a doubt that the
audacious impntation of this human,
Darwin, was " holly groundless and
unmerited and would not pass I'M
rebuked. [Applause.l
The chair recognized the Ourang-
Outang from Senegal, who declared
that, without accepting literally the
doctrine of total depravitysthe ridic-
ulous proposition advanced by Oar
win could not possibly be accented.
[Great shower Of cocoanuts. What
monkeys" he asked. sin all the a.
nails of monkeydom, had been guilty
of the gross violations of Natures
laws aud common sense daily en-
cOuntered among the sons of men?
Who ever heard of monkey tribes
going 10 war and numbering each
other with the object of possessing
the cOcoanut groves of their op-
ponents and thus reducing t EN- to
tributary vassals? Imapine, If you
can, "a monkey government granting
to certain OF it's members monopoly
of the paths leading to the springs
and cocoanut groves and permitting
them to charge for transportation
all the traffic will bear; or levying a
tariff on all nuts imported from
foreign tribes in order to raise the
price to, and thus reduce the con-
sumption Of, its own people," Great
chattering
The ring-tailed babboon from
II n a.
monkeys would wear their lives
away digging in the bowels ct the
earth for certain colored metals only
to transport them across the conti-
neDt and bury them IN other holes,
meanwhile placing armed monkeys
to guard the holes to prevent other
monkeys stealing the metals.
He did not think that a monkey
government would borrow money
from bankers, issuing interest bear
ing bonds therefor aud then permit
the bankers to redeposit the bonds
aud exchange them for certificates,
which they could lend at interest to
the poor monkeys, thus paradoxi-
cally living on the interest of both
their money and their debts.
The chimpanzee from Kumassie
thought that any monkey bad more
sense than to vote to grant to certain
monkeys monopoly of the cocoa
nut groves and to others monopolies
OF the springs and highways, and
then complain Of the ycocoanut trust
and the high way and water :monopo.
lies. Certainly no monkey would
propose as efficient remedies social
ostra cism of The water lords. or pub
Lofty of hig hway barons atfairss or
empower a government. composed Of
grove owners, to grant or withhold
charters TO the cecoanut trusts.
,TGreat applause ~, - T.. q 4
fhe bald faced ape from HO,ang-
II asked If there was anything in
the annals of monkeydom tn COM
pare, with the crippling. of the feetby
yellow women, the .compressiilg OF
theswaist BY white women and the
1attening OF the head by red men.
Were monkeys ever known TO pune
ture their noses, ears and lips for the
purpose of suspending therefrom
chunks of metal? Laughter. What
wouldbe thought OF monkey morality
II half doseu tribes who had plenty
of room and cocoanu:s at home,
Should travel half way around the
world to pouuce.upon the best trees
in the grove of another tribe and
relegate its membtrs to the poorer
fruit, or permit them to gather on
shares, attempting to exterminate
them, in the name of their Prince oil
Peace, II they objected to such treat
IJment? Laughter and cries of THAT
is d human falling"
A PHILIPPINE monkey observed that
among men it was common for a
great tribe to Cypress a weak one,
taking from its members all above
bare living. and when the oppres
pre- ssion became unbearable and
revolution broke out and both the
oppressor and the oppressed were
weakened by long conflict, another
strong tribe would form an alliance
with rebels, institute war for hu
mainly" aid them to throw off the
yoke of foreign domination" Then
having secured the confidence OF
their allies and foOtholc in theiT
country, the strong tribe would sud
denly remember that it was it:
"Christian uuty" to assume the
white mans burden" and "strenu-
ouslyn procea d to "benevolentlv as
simulate" their late allies. Rests.
terr. W ,uld be followed by an order
{" =, 4. q, capture every warning in
su' sent." All this would be uOne
for good OF the rebels" in the