davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The age-herald., 1900-01-16
THE WEATHER.

CLOUDY TUESDAY. WITH SHOWERS IN EXTREME NORTHERN PORTION IN AFTERNOON; FAIR AND COLDER ON
The age-herald., 1900-01-16

Yfu expect to be successful during the year 10)1 you must talk to the D 'Ople. Advertisers will find The Age-H srald useful speaking-tube-it reaches all the people every day in the year.
The age-herald., 1900-01-16

fcontinned on Second Page.)
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
NO.. s
Home Lif. In Porto n,co

70 one unaccustomcd to tropical COLI
dltions the furnishing Of the Porto
lsican home would ut first sight seem
meager, but it is quite ample. A short
residence Will demonstrate that nearly
900 years of experience with the un-
pleasant features of life in the West
Indies have been crowned by sur
rival of the fittest in house furnishing
as In other matters
Austrian bent wood furniture and also
wlckerworll and. willow ware consti-
tute the main equipment of the par
lols and living rooms. Upholstered fur.
niture is unknown and undesired, little
or no attempt being made at decoration
except in the matter of embroidery and
fine handmade lace work. Hundreds
of yards of crochet work nre used in
the establishment Of n single canopied
bed. This work is the chief delight Of
the Porto Rican housewife.
The walls are for the most part bare.
but here and there painting Of merit
may be seen. The sofa pillow is the
one great feature of the home. It is ey-
erywherc, in every conceivable size,
shape and material. Ferns of gigantic
size and exquisite formation, as we'll
as broad spreading palm leaves, arc
used to festoon the walls and arched
doorways. Cut fresh from day to day,
they render the dark, cool rooms invit-
ing and attractive. Potted tropical
plants in great variety abound within
and without the house.-uarper's Ba-
Ear.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
Plausible, but Failed.

The cunning of children is we'll rec.
ognized TO be of very superior kind,
and 1T is seldom If given chance that
they cannot inveigle their elders into
seeing things their way. The follow
Ing is an instance of where n little girl
slipped UP on this by not taking into
consideration that her mother had had
enough experience with children to
have an insight into their nature.
The girls birthday was a couple of
weeks off, and her parents had told her
that they were going to give her n
handsome present upon that OCCASION
She had been counting "thc minutes"
for several days, but thinking she
could not possibly await her birthday
without knowing what her present
would be she stole softly up to her
mother and begged her to show her the
present.
Why, it wouldn't be right to show it
to you now," her mother answered,
because we want to surprise you OH
your birthday"
"Oll, that's all right" exclaimed the
little ono. I'll forget what ii is before
then. ~ Memphis Scimitar.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
< !
A Tishcr,nan,s Trick.

"One day l was talking fish with q
number of friends" said an old fisher
man, "and made n bet that could
catch more perch than any other man
in the party in a given time. The
crowd picked out the most experienced
fisherman in the lot, and we set a day
to try our luck. The day before the
match got a large glass jar, filled it
with water and put some minnows in
1T. Over the mouth of the jar put a
piece of parchment in which I had
made some small holes. Then I went
to point just east of the waterworks,
picked out a likely spot and sank the
jar in the river, first attaching cork
float to 1T by which could locate 1t
next day.
we went out for the fishing match
the following afternoon, and 1 soon
found my float and anchored there.
The other man located n short distance
away, and we began. The perch were
just beginning to run, and in a little
while | had pulled in $50 perch, while
my opponent got only 81. Then he
gave up, and I Won my bet
II showed the boys the trick before
we left the fishing ground. You can
always in that way make good catch
of fish that will swallow minnows. The
sight of the bait in the jar always at
tracts a crowd of fish and seems to put
them in good biting humor."-Detroit
E'ran prncs
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
One Was Enough.

That illustrious astronomer, Profess
or Simon Newcomb, in an article on
"Science and the Government" In The
North American Review, gives nn
amusing instance of the ignorance even
of the most prominent politicians re-
Garding the work CT the greatest Scien-
fists:
"lt is said That some 80 years ego the
Brtisl academy Lad printed IL few cop
les ui an important work for prcsenta-
ii to some foreigners who from their
prominence i'm tie scientific world, We're
best entitled To be honorcd with the
gift. Professor Airy. the astronomer
royal, was requested TO make Il selec.
tion of the names. a few days after
he l.aa sent in his list he WAS informed
Ivy the secretary of the admiralty that
my lords were struck by the number
OF unknown names included and that
they wished to make in inquiry on the
subject Airy asked the secretary for
some specifications as to the names re.
ferred TO.
"M'cll, as an example, said the sec
rotary, here is the name OF Professor
c. Il. Gauss of &;ottingen Who is he:'
"'Niauss is Ole of the grcatest math-
ematicians of the age and stands
among the two OF three most eminent
masters in physical astronomy now liv-
ing. Who else do sou wish to know
about"
"'No one else. That will do replied
the secretary"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
Tales of the Noae

1ndented nostrils evidence mcanncss,
wide nostrls spendthrift. a tip jut-
ting out far from the face is n token OF
vulgarity, refinement being the pos
session of the owners of noses that do
not stand out far at the end. An aqul-
line bend denotes 1irmness of will and
sense of Justice; the long, narrow
bridge proclaims a fnstidious, self sul-
ficient yet often tender nature. All the
active qualities -combntivencss, eager
ness, passionate temper, power Of ha-
tired, jealousy, ambition-go with the
more common type Of Roman nose.
The Greek form, on the contrary, tells
of artistic capabilities and love of in
animate beauty.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16

knocked seven bells out of everything
he came across and had money to
bury on every island he came across.
he thought he was having n high old
time and that 1t would last to his
cighty-tifth year and that he would
then give 100000 to nn orphan asylum
and die in his bed. All of YOU know
how he ended. He was still prancing
and cavorting and high rolling when
the law seized him and he was hung
by the neck. He figured it all out be-
fore he went his way, and he came to
the conclusion that he hadn't been in
1t. He wrote 1t down on his shirt col
lar in red ink that his having had a
high Old time WAS all a mistake and
that the farmer who had stuck to corn
and potatoes was ahead of the pirate
business. l see before me Il bald
headed, broad backed man, who is evil
IDENTIFY itching to become Il pirate bold.
l call on him to pause ere it is too late,
Let us take II still more historical
case. Behold the picture of Judas Is
cariot. 1t is Il sketch made of him
while he was Il young man, and you
see that he holds the plow behind an
OK. Judas was tiller of the soil for
many years. He was naturally good,
and daily contact with nature added to
his goodness. lie came to be known
far and wide as man who always
shoveled the snow off his sidewalk
clear up to the line and if he had a
lawsuit about line fence he didn't
drag IN the whole country. When he
went up to Jerusalem, he was hollored
and respected of all men, and his daily
life was without Il blot No one has
tried to explain why Judas suddenly
made up his mind to change and give
things away. lie was rewarded with
24 pieces of silver, but he had no note
coming due and was not hard up for
cash. But change he did, and he no
doubt expected to have high old times
and lead the band. His career, as you
all know, was brief and rocky. Things
didn't turn out as he hoped for. He
was Stunned of men, lodged of dogs
and died without having enjoyed him
self for Il day. am now looking at n
man in this audience who closely re-
scmbles Judas Iscariot and who may
be planning to sell out aud cut loose
II SO, let my words sink deep into his
heart when l say that the result of
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
Rough ON III. Lord.h,n.

A carpenter in an English town hay.
ing neglected to make gibbet that
had been ordered by the hangman on
the ground that he had not been paid
for the last one he had erected gave so
much offense that the next time the
Judge came to the circuit lie was sent
for.
Fellow" said the judge in stern
tone, chow came you to neglect max
ing the gibbet that was ordered on my
account?"
Il humbly beg your pardon" replied
the carpenter. "IIad l known it had
been for your lordship it would have
been done Immediately"
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
NERO, THE wn1TEwAsnEn.

ingly, so long as you give. A liberal
spirit on your part will still further en-
courage me, but If there is one single
knockkneed, slab sided son Of father
In this audience who consclentiously
feels that ought to be sat down OH,
then let him hang on to his nickel. The
collection is finished and the proceeds
counted. The $50 enlightened and cul-
tivated people before me have Clipped
in about half n cent apiece, and my
labors can be continued in other fields.
My dear people, want to say few
words to you this evening about the
badness of human nature. 1t is easy
to be bad. There is also n good deal
of fun in it. 1t is the bad man who has
fur lined overcoat in winter, a duck
suit in summer and champagne and
Ice cream in the intervals. AS turn
the stercopticon light on the canvas
you behold the picture of Nero. Up
to the age of 24 lie was good man.
While other young men were off to the
circus or races he was at home helping
his mother cut carpet rags or white
wash the cellar. He retired to his
couch at 8 o'clock Mt night instead of
whooping things up Mt the Tivoll. lie
rose with the lark, and he rose without
head on him, no swearing, no smok-
Ing, no drinking-just goodness. One
day, after young Nero had been saw
Ing cord of hickory wood In two, lie
sat down to rest his back and figure
bit. The result was that he decided
tn M 1.n n f,1,n In @. ~,
conclusion that goodness didn't pay.
That's where he made a mistake
weighing a ton, as all the world knows.
History has told you his career He
walked right into the house as first
move and kicked over the churn and
upset the flour barrel and then de-
mnndcd quarter of his astonishcd
mother and went off on a spree. From
that day on he was a cuss on wheels
He painted the old town red every
night in the week and got up next
day to paint her blue. His mother died
of broken heart, and he sold her flat
Irons and Quilt frames to bet on
chariot race. His father was found
dead with tears in his eyes, and young
Nero sold off the chickens and pigs and
the old homestead to back Il gladiator
There was no holding him down except
when the Roman constables sat on
him. lie became sort of holy terror
to the whole Roman empire. and when
he finally died there was such general
satisfaction that the factory whistles
footed and the wages of the hired girls
We're advanced Il dollar month.
During his career Nero swan in
champagne, rcvclcd in quail on toast
md Wore the best toga in the empire.
He had money in every pocket, admir-
crs on every corner, and high rolled to
beat the band. And yet what did it all
amount to? He died poor and disgrnc-
cd, and history hasn't got through
abusing him vet. lie had traded off
an orange grove for cabbage patch.
l say to you all, and say to that
squint eyed, lantern jawcd man in the
third row in particular, that whoever
figures that badness is good invest
ment Is going to get left. 1t is full of
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
The ulool ON the Kn,,.

For the last ton years." said n Gu
rio dealer in the Old Quarter, n broad
bladed dagger With an imitation bronze
handle has been lying among Il lot of
odds and ends in that corner showcase.
| don't know where it came from, but
probably got it when buying some
collection. At any rate, the other day,
while looking over my dead stock, it
occurred to me it might be FURNISHED
up and used as a paper knife. took
IT out, scraped the handle a little to see
what it was made of and then laid 1t
Oh my desk to attend to customer.
"Whcn picked it up again, l was as
teunded to find the blade dripping with
blood. 1t seems Il childish thing to tell,
but the incident was so grewsome and
apparently ineNplicablc that it set me
trembling like IL leaf. In n moment.
however, my common sense came to
the rescue, and what proved to be the
correct explanation flashed into my
mind.
III was trick dagger, for use either
on the stage or in some secret society
mummery, and the hilt contained q
hidden reservoir for artificial blood.
In sciapins the side had pressed
spring which opened little valve, and
out came the gore still fluid, after all
these years. afterwnrd found that
the top unscrcwcd for rcplcnishing the
supply" New Orleans Times Demo-
crnt
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
Eaby's ovcrplus Of Brain.

oh John" exclaimed the fair young
Eothcr, II am glad you're home. 1
have been so worricd'
Why, dear he asked. whats the
matter!'
ITS about the baby. 1 tremble to
think of it. You know they say chill
dren that are too smart never grow
up"
Yes, yes" he cried; "go on. What is
1t? Where is our darling? What has
happened? Go on.'
John" she said, putting her arms
around his neck and sobbing upon his
breast, "he said, Da, da,' today, and he
is only 0 months old."-London Tit
Bits,
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16

ply known about fence rails, hogs
tails and the way COWS kick, where
would you be today? He had gone
beyond readin, writin and figurin.
1t was his higher education that saved
your life"
"rhat's strong pint ag'in you,
Moses" says the deacon.
Eyes, but didn't call a doctor" grins
Moses. MY old woman pulled me
through with herb teas and good nurs-
in, and you all know she can't figger
the value of two dozen eggs"
'srhen the pint is on the stranger,
and I'd like to see him dodge it,"
..rhe stranger was stubbin his toe
ag'in stones in the road and didn't look
happy, but he braced up and said i'll
answer:
LET us take case right here at
home. Here is store. 1t had to be
designed by an architect before the
carpenter could build it. Mr.. Plumber
kin read, write and tigger, but kin he
draw the plans fur buildin? But
fur higher education no man could do
It,"
.Yes; it was smart bit of work, ;"
siderable to say to that architect. lie
had never heard that thunder would
turn sweet milk sour; he didn't know
COWS had only teeth on one jaw; he
didn't know how to stop Il hen from
settin, hog from rootin or Il dog from
KILN sheep. He even polscd his finger
into a wasps' nest to see If the critters
was ut home. Pm not ag'in schools.
but if they is to tell our children that
the earth reyolves on its axis why
don't they also tell 'em that scratchin
n hogs back With corncob will help
to fatten him?"
''That's pint, Moses-it's a pint"
shouts the deacon as he raps on a
barl. "Abncr and closes hcv made
their pints, and now we'd like to hear
from Lish Billings"
"Pvc got mighty little to say" re-
plies Lish as he sits with his back
bumped UP like camel.
"But it can't be that an intelligent
man like you is opposed to education?"
protests the stranger.
'"That's accordin to what sort of edu-
cation it is"
II refer to general education. You
look like a man of peace, but perhaps
you have had trouble with neighbor
some time?"
eyes, had trouble with Sam Wheel
er once"
0An1 70 In
eyes"
''To go to law you had n lawyer. If
that man had only known enough to
read, write and figure, he wouldn't
have bin a lawyer. lie had to hev a
higher education to be lawyer. Don't
you scc?"
81 skassly do," says Lish.
"But you had lawyer, and SO did
Mr.. Wheeler. There was a suit, and
You got jcsticc."
''That's n pint fur the stranger,
Lish!" shouts the deacon.
YES mebbe tits, but lemme tell him
how it turned out. Sam shet up one of
my hogs with his, and l proved it,,
but my lawyer lost the case and cllarg-
Gu me HlU 10 D0Ot. The hog wasn't
wuth over SD, but Sam had to pay his
lawyer $40, ard he went home from
the lawsuit to find the crittcr dead
That's gineral education. Sam and me
lost $22 and n hog between us and
was mad ut each other fur ten years.
and I'm sayn I've had 'nufr of it and
am ag'in more schoolhouses till dcath.'
The deacon jumped off the floor and
said it was a pint and a strong one
and the stranger got down off the coun-
ter and said he wasn't fcelin extra well
and guessed he'd git to bed early.
M OIrAD
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
A Different Kind Of Man.

a school Inspector up Westchester
way was making his rounds one day.
and visited school not thousand
miles from Mamaroncck. Among the
questions he asked the children was,l
What is a pilgrim?
One child said, "a man who comes
to America to be religious"
Another said, "a person who travels
from place to place"
well, l do that" said the inspector.
Am a pilgrim?"
"Oh, no." said the boy quickly. 81
meant n very good man."-New York
Commercial Advertiser.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
1T CLEANS THE SHIPS.
Sailing Through Il Volcano Crater
In the lIrcnn Sen

In the IIEcnm Sea.
In the .Egean sea Il vessel may sail
into the top of a crater, and though it
IS hard to find anchorage there, yet u
mere sail through is appreciated great
ly by captains, because it clcanses the
bottom of the ships from marine
growth.
More than 1000 years ago the isle of
Santorin was split in half by an earth
quake, with the result that what was
once the crater of Il volcano is now Il
crescent shaped harbor. Two glisten-
ing white towns of Thcra and st.
Nicholas are perched on the summit of
the steep cliffs, whose dark and dismal
hue Is similar to that of the top of We
suvius. Standing out against the sky
are large numbers of windmills, with
many sails, arranged in perfect cir
Gle. These are evidently employed for
crushing the olives, which, along with
the tcrraced vines, are the staple prod
uct Of the island. The Santorin Wine is
of excellent quality and is highly ap-
preciated in the Levant.
Between the main island on the east
and the smaller, Thcresia, on the west,
are the three small Kaumcne islands,
all of which have come into existence
since the original earthquake, while the
largest of the three was '.born from the
sea" less than 200 years ago, showing
that the center of the old volcano has
still certain amount of activity.
in, 1,t, 1,n,. u, ;,,{, ,;<.l,
the sulphurous streams from this vol
canic island drain has a peculiar prop
erty which completely cleans off
growths of every kind from the bottom
Of any ship.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
CAPTAIN K1DD.

champagne and race horses and going
a-fishing; but, alas, it is also full of
blightcd souls.
Let me herewith present you the
picture of Captain Kidd, the pirate.
He was man who had honor and
fame and the respect of the world
within his reach. lie had only to keep
on being good to arrive at that point
where men would doff their hats to
him and women fall over each other to
get view of the back Of his neck.
Then he suddenly changed. He flung
his goodness to the winds and went in
to be screaming old pirate. He was
q hummer from Hummcrsville. He
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16

The attempt by women to revive
the hideous chignon does not seem
to be prospering. Thirty years ago
the chignon imported from France
was seized upon by American
women, and because it was fashion
able they were willing tolose their
chief glory. The hair was puffed
out in an enormous knot created
by q lump of closely woven horse
hair over which the natural hair
was stretched and inclosed in net.
1t was q hideous hairy wen. The
unnatural heat caused disease of
the scalp. headaches, vertigo, and
in many cases, sort of nervous
prostration. Dermatology had q
sudden boon and scores of hair
renewers sprang into existence.
It was pie for the practitioner who
made special study of the ferti-
lization Of the hair follicle, and
specialists were few in those days.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
JUDAS Ar TIIE pLOW.

badness is inevitable. 1t may prosper
for n short time, but the bad man is
busted nnd laid low when his pride is
greatest. 1t may not pay above 3 per
cent to be good, but with clear con
sure interest on your money you can
fall asleep on the cellar stairs or the
kitchen roof and know that all will be
we'll with YOU when the COWS come
home to be millicd. NJ. QUAD.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
Beds.


We cannot tell with any certainty
when the first portable furniture was
invented, and, to Judge by the ark as
1t survives among Oar children, Noah
was either ignorant of such things or,
and more probably, denied himself
their use for the time being in order
to leave more room for the animals.
But long before Cowper somewhat
apologetically sang the sofa Homer
was proud to enumcrate the cherished
and decorated pieces of furniture in
the tents of the heroes before Troy
and described Odysseus' pleasure in
seeing once more his own beautiful
bed as synpatletically as any other
incident of the return, While that lie
had second best bed is one of the
very few personal facts we know re-
gardins our Shakespeare.
Shades of Ulysses and Shakespeare!
y bed was Il bed then In Greece, Il
couch worthy Of Il hero; In England
miniature stage of life, With It's tap
cstried roof and langings and curtains
that rose or fell with fitting pomp on
the great scenes of the domestic drn-
ma.-Cllambers' Journal.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
Moral of the Garden

Nothing teaches patience like a gar
den. You may go round and watch the
opening bud from day to day, but it
takes its own time, and you cannot
urge it on faster than it will. If forced,
1t is only torn to pieces. All the best
results Of garden, like those of life,
are slowly but regularly progressive
Weekly Bouquet.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-08-16
FREAKS OF THE MIND.
Some Of the Strange Powers 1t often
Has Over the Will.


Has Over the Will.
Did you ever think how often YOU eat
and never stick your fork in your eye!
You always stick your fork in your
mouth. III you ate in the dark, ii
would be the same thing. You would
never put out your eye by putting your
fork in it. Why! Because your sub
conscious mind is doing its automatic
duty and knows very well that you eat
with your mouth and not With your
eye.
Many other actions are automatic
For instance, 20 people have gathered
on street corner to- board passing
car. The very fact that they are there
means that the car will stop. The first
man has already signalcd the motor
man. So do the other 10. And the
same thing happens If ton people
gather to descend in an elevator. The
first conner rings the bell SO do the
other nine-merely automatically. The
sign says Ring" so each man takes
this sign to himself and rings.
A shoemaker once had Il shop in the
basement Of large building down
town. The shoemaker worked with
his back to the door. Every time the
door opened the shoemaker turned his
head to the left to see who entered
For ten years the shoemaker worked
and turned his head almost every hour
In the day. Before many years had
passed the shocmakcr's head turned
automatically, and now that man has
spent all the money he has ever made
trying to be cured of this automatic
habit. But his head still jerks, so that
he looks over his left shoulder con-
stantly.-New York Herald.