davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
THOUGHT IT WAS A HAM.
But the One Who purlOined II Foun.l
1t to BE Only n Bag of
Earth.

1Aonesty IS certainly the best policy,
as the proverb and joke enjoyed by
Connecticut woman will proclaim,
The joke is on some one who was not
brought up to believe that honesty is
the best policy and cardinal virtue.
The woman had driven out into the
country to visit some relatives. They
lived at some distance from her home
in Stamford on a farm, and one object
OF her visit was to bring home some
rich barnyard soil for her plants. It
was found when they started to get
the soil that the most convenient
thing to get it in was an old ham
bag. This was firm and strong and
with the soil we'll packed in would
hold considerable quantity.
"There," said the woman's cousin
when the bag was tied up, mo one
will ever accuse you of carting dirt,
for that looks exactly like a bona fide
ham. and it is every bit as hard and
solid. The bag is clean on the out
side, and you will not even need to
have it wrapped. If your friends see
it they will envy you for having Il
good country ham,"
The woman was we'll pleased, the
ham bag was put into the carriage and
she drove home. When she reached
the house she lifted out the dirt ard
set it just inside the gate while she
drove around to the barn. She was
gone only a short time, but when She
returned that ham bag had disap-
peared and she never saw it again. 1t
was annoying to lose the soil she had
taken such pains to get, but the joke
was good enough to pay for the loss.
Il think that bag was the heaviest
thing l ever lifted" she says in tell
ing the story. 1T was twice as heavy
as a ham, and that ham bag was the
biggest one 1 have ever seen. Then
the soil that was in it. It was lust
the thing for my plants, but not 80
agreeable in other ways as some that
was less rich. I can imagine the feel
ings OF the man-it must have been a
man to carry it any distance-who car
ried off that bag, hot and perspiring,
having to hurry for fear of being dis
covered, and then to open it and find
nothing but barnyard soil. People do
get their just dues in this world som a.
times. "-ChicagO Chronicle.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
No Cause for Worry.

Mrs Hennessy-Shure, Patsy, dar-
lint, it's afraid Oh am that Oil over
Shape meself in tn mornin' an be too
late for early mass.
Hennessy- worry at all, at all,
Mary Ann. Az ye foind yourself over
slapin', jest tech me an Oi'Il wake ye
at wanst.-Ohio State Journal.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
An ANNOYANCE.

"Were you really happier before you
became civilized?" asked the white
man.
'Well," answered the Pacific Island
er, II must say I didn't have all this
worry about whether my trousers
were getting baggy at the knee
Washington Star.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
That Il Whv.

II should think" said Mr.. Snagg.
to his wife, that the river coal men
would have great difficulty in keeping
their feet warm in winter"
"Why?" asked Mrs. Snaggs.
because their tows are in cold wa.
ter."-Pittsburgh Chronicle Telegraph.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16

Officer Murphy-Did yez meet amy
suspicious charakthers on your bate
last night. Casey?
Officer Casey-Divil a wan but the
roundsman. Sure, he's the most sus.
picious ould duck on the foorce!-
Puck,
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16

Customer-You seem to have a bad
cold.
Milkman-Yes. 1 was tramping
about all through the storm of yester-
day, and I find that these boots you
sold me are not waterproof
Observation-Disclosures is your milk
Boston Courier.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Az to n Client

HE is the most obstinate man I ever
saw" said the first lawyer.
"Yes?" said his friend.
eyes; he hates to take advice even
when he pays for it.''-Puck.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
One Way of Gett".lE 1t.

"The only trouble with Plimmer i.
he lacks push.''
"Well, he's overcoming that now.
I've seen him out with the baby car.
rage several times lately Philadel.
Ehia Bulletin.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16

Mistress-You will use dessert
spoonful of this cocoa in hot water
every day; then it will last just 80 days.
Cook-But supposing you have COM
pany, lady?
Misstress-Then you will, of course,
add more hot water.-Fliegende Blaet-
ter.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Matter of Caste.

Mildred (from Ptiladelphia)-You
don't seem to like Evelyn.
Penelope (from Boston)-She shows
a lack of proper culture. This morning
she said she was going to take tramp
up the mountain.
"Well?"
Penelope-Do you not think she
might choose as her escort one whose
social status is more in keeping with
her own?-N. Y. Press.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Well Named.

Bacon-Why do you call that 4 lucky
coin?
Egbert-Because I've carried 1t in
my pocket for two days, and my wife
hasn't found it yet.-Yonkers States.
man.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
His RO0af.

"Ah, yes" he cried. I'D willingly
Lay down my all for you"
His feet flew up, and, grabbing out,
He sent her sprawling, too.
Chicago Times-Herald.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
The General Opinion.

"Robes," said the lawyer, add to the
dignity of the Judges
I'm which respect" observed the lay
man, "they differ from campaign as
PUCK.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
He Did, But Tommy Didn't.

Mrs. Tindler-Why, Johnny, what is
the matter with you? You've been
fighting. And told you to count ten
when you were angry.
JOHNNY did, but Tommy Tinker
played roots on me. He didn't count
his ten until after he'd plunked me in
the eye.-Boston Transcript.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
At the Mission schoo,

Teacher-Why was Rebecca at the
we'll?
little Grill guess because her hus-
band wouldn't get the water for her.
IN. Y. Press.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Fallacy IL ADDaFent.

Those people who are insisting that
there are only 80 years in century
would slap a manin Jail, says the Z ouis-
Vile Courier-Journal, if he attempted
to pass of on them 80 cents as dollar.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Losing and Living,

Cumso-What have you been doing
since I saw you last?
Eanks-Speculating in Wall street
until month ago.
Cumso-And what are you doing
now?
Banks-Working for living.-Town
Topics.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Wherein He Ia Cooa

us he a good man." :'1
"In one way" -:
SLOWS that?'
"He's a good man not to mingle
with. Chicago Times-Herald.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
All Sorts of Failures.

First Gentleman-These are irving
times for business men.
Second-Yes, I have seen many good
men go under lately.
First-I do not doubt it. What is
your line?
Second-I am sexton.-Harlem Life.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Cruiser Used a. q Prison,

The Spanish cruiser Emperador Car
los V has been ordered to Barcelona,
where she will be used as prison for
the instigators of the opposition to The
payment Of taxes.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
The Artleas Dear

Eva-What a. lovely ring! How did
he come to propose so quickly?
Edna-1 innocently remarked that
diamonds were increasing in vain.
daily.-Brooklyn Life.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Won hY n Head.

"Your style is antique" said the coat
to the last seasons hat.
"Perhaps it u.s." replied the hat, ''but
I manage to come out on top just the
same."-Chicago Record.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Not Like Other Mon

Jobs patience was miraculous,
It is by all conceded;
But although he was one of Uz,
We could not do as he did.
Judge.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
One Mnnsa Vlo-

"What is a degenerate, snyhowqn
was asked OF the shrewd old:lawyer.
"A degenerate is a fellow who has
committed crime and can't prove an
alibi. Free Press. :.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
At the Primo.

It is practice day in and day out;
I have heard her for weeks now a scole
Great pains she is taking, no doubt
But, OH she is giving me more.
-Ju6pa
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
A Modest Question.

Il have never met,'' he said, "more
than two really lovely women
"Ah,' said she, looking up Innocent
ly into his face, "who was the other?"
-Tit-B;ts,
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
A Boon to Civilization,

Here's to the man so wondrously polite
That he will stand with smiling ever bright
And listen to the anecdotes which bore
And never say: 1--WE heard that yarn be-
FORE"
washington Star
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16

Head of the House-You were very
kind to buy me such pretty bronze of
Washington.
Elsie-Yes; mamma said she didn't
know of anything that would suit you
as we'll as a good, old-fashioned bust.
Jewellers Weekly.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
An QutcaHe.

''some people have very crude notions
Of the way it is permissible to act in
civilized country. What a disgusting
thing the starting of that report of
Cortley's death was.'
eyes. Confound it! I went around
Tor nearly half a day telling people
what an excellent fellow he was before
[ found out that the report was I'M
true. "-Chicago Times-Herald.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
Some Natural HistOr
RevivinS ADDreciatfon

1IeV1v1HS Apprec1at1On.
whats an 'octogenarian,' Cousfp
Martha?"
swell, an octogenarian is a man who
hates life when he is 70, but gets proud
of himself again at so."-Indianapolis
Journal.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
The Veref0hle Kinrdnn,

The Vegetable Kingdom.
What can be sadder than a withered rose
The poet sadly asked. And then he
learned
The answer straightway as he found his
nose
Assailed with perfumes from a cabbage
burned.
washington Star
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1900-02-16
A Home Thrust.

Star.
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-11-03

box. Behold society arriving at the place
or entertainment in vegetable cart driv-
en- by a farmland in Jeans. Society goes
marketing In Thames street. 10. Thames
street and the adjacent thoroughfares
are piled high with wrecks occassoned
by socieiy's marketing automobile
"buckingr' A millionaire tries TO make
a record with his machine What Is the
result9 He is hauled before police mag
istrate. and upon being fined diseloses 70
all the vulgar gaze he fact that he hasn't
SIS in his inside pocket whereat we can
fancy the automobile. az the door giving
a horseless laugh We can almost think
OF the automobile growing pompoussand
Biblical in tone and saying 20 society;
Ye have done many things. bur We can
not DO me-
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-11-03
ARE WE BECOMING INDIANS,
Prof starts OptWiop - the ultt-
mate Type Of Americans.


Prof starr OF the department Of anthro-
poiogy OF the University OF Chicago, Is
said to believe that the American people
are becoming Indians and win eventually
revert 10 the aboriginal type.
The professors opinion IL Interesting In
rs suggestion OF possibilities. II poor To
IL reader Of the newspapers and watches
the trend OF phiioxophic thought he will be
greatly encouraged He will have plenty
~ company after awhile II he is not In
too big a hurry to follow the dodo and
the pifhecanthropus. And when we all
get hark TO poor los state what picnic
he VIII have. In case he fingers for our
eomingi Having never weakened his
stamina nv The efreminate practices o.
civilization and having stolidiy adhered
20 his wgwam pipe and bear meat. he Will
no doubt have a great advantage over
the new red man, who, OF course. 10
he becomes an Indian. viii naturally live
IA Indians do. For n one once surren-
ders himself TO seductive theory he ls
bound 20 follow II wherever Il may lead
him. even N that rRth should he the one
20 the wigwam and the birch bark canoe.
And then after we have all become
and have learned TO wear our feathers
and rnoccaslns with native grace. what
a time there will be with the big chtefs
and tribes Troys ten years war VIII
be nothing 20 r. For, OF course a. In
dians. we VIII soon appreciate the fact
that there are entirely too many OF us Tor
she supply Of game IN tho forest and lah
In the rivera. and viii begin 10 diminish
the population IN true Indian fashion
Tho climate that Is strong enough TO
fashion us physically Will also modify
us Intellectually ard Instead OF the usual
fall political battles there win he real
battles ~ warning chiefs and tribes. and
the elections Of chiefs and supremacy OF
parties Win he decided hy arrows and
clubs instraa 81 hy ballots In fact. In
certain ca~es--as, for instance In the race
riots IN tho South ard the recent pre-
cesdiuKs NJ Akron and Mansfield O.,
ani Gilman, III "a distinct and nnmis.
taxable tendency has been noted 20 revert
a. prof Starr saws, "to the aboriginal
tyne" Possibly climatic forces may 30
somewhat more active az the places
named than elsewhere, and II might be
well for the professor "a follow out this
hin, and ascertain the efhRaioslesi eondi-
tion ~ the advance 9uard NJ the places
mentioned row seemingly headed straight
for the weeAa
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-11-03
SOCIETY MEETS IRIS WATERLOO.
Ever Victorious untti the Auto Gave
"a the Horseless Laugh.
Kew York Times

NOW 19Fk Times.
There may be some myth OF n stream
Of Human Perfection IN which mankind.
being Immersed. comes forth armed with
a panopiy ~ all the graccs. " this be.
SO. surely II Is that portion OF our kind
set apart as society who receive this
lucky baptism They are not only the
active patrons of the arts and graces and
polite sports. but also. In all cases the
medium through which these diversions
Of an elegant leisure are introduced TO
our knowledge Music. painting. the the
eter and opera; the sport Of kings. yacht
ing. polo. golf and tennis-ail these thing.
have been brought 20 us hy soeiety. And
when society has tried IL hand NJ any
ore ~ these diversions We turn no empty
compliment when We say she has done Il
we'll
Bgi society. Achllles-liks. has a spo, on
It's heel where the waters os the stream
of Human Perfection touched IL not And
though Il has kept this vulnerable spot
veil guarded UP 70 the present. a mod
erE Parts hath found its secret nut. only
he has Hsed. instead - SPEAR. the aii-
tonobiie as his weapon. Society, 20 r.
peat, has conquered the horse. can sail
boats IA a manner 20 make professional.
solf bali nhedien, 10 its drivers wilt But
ia the apparently csfrn and fracfiie au-
tonaahlle & has foan5 a dominant mas
ter
saeistv starts for a Junction a. va
believe Jeukins stili calls Il. 81 an auto.
metti@ victoria with two feotu1en on ~.
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-11-03
Closing Hour OF the Ghost Dance.

New YORK tribune.
Even Col Bryan's extraordinary skill
as rhetorician was unequal to clothing
the Democratic protest against govern
nenf without the consent OF the gov
erned" Gin the Philippines only. OF courseD
with any shadow OF sincerity or convic-
ton. The South, from which the Ne
braska candidate must draw perhaps
three-fourths OF his support In the cleo
toral college, has given the paramount
issue" launched at Indianapolis only a
sarionie and contemptuous tolerance As
the leading organs OF Southern opinion
have said in a hundred varied forms:
There is no Southern white man who
does not In his heart rerudiate the con
sent of the governed humbur, so far as
IL concerns any other race than the eau
casian, or who win agree that any coll
ored man is capable OF government:
and on Col Bryan's easy honest and
honorable" solution of the Philippine prob
rem proposed at Indianapolis no COM
ment has been more eandidly destruc-
tive than that offered by critics within
the Democratic ranks. Only a day or two
ago, for instance. the Memphis Evening
Scimitar condemned II as. ITO say the
least. the most visionary and periious pro-
ject ever set forth for sensible men 10
support"
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-11-03
THE FARM nov A WINNER.
lie Learns "a work and Exceis Ills
city Brother


Trustee Thomas Brennan. after more
than thirty years observation aud ex-
perience has delivered strong indict-
ment against the methods OF our public
schools. The average country boy com
ing In from the backwoods." he SAYS, SIS
more valuable TO the business man than
the average pupil who Is graduated from
the Chicago public schools. The amount
Of time spent In the pubiicl schools upon
studies that ars not essential Is fully
az great as that given 20 reading. writing
and arithmetic They have tried 10 make
everything OF the school hoy. and they
have prevented him from becoming any
thing"
Everyone who has observed the aver
agc product OF the school systems Of
large cities Viii confess that there IS
great deal OF truth Ia MIR. Brensns crit
eism The farm or smali-tnwn boy who
comes Ia the great city plainly does. on
the whole. so faster and farther than the
average city bog But is Hot this the r..
suit Of diferene. in home life and dis
oipline rather than IN school training
IL not the country boy superiority due
to the fact that he has learned better
than the city boy how 20 uss hts knowi-
edge Superintendent II. W. Foster. OF
the Ithaca IN " schools. takes this
view In HIS recent article IN the indepen-
dent.
The basis OF the country boys success
IN tho world. according 70 Mt Foster, II
IN the home lie on the farm. Through
that lfs these elements 81 character are
directly cultivated: Feariexsness. l3snk
sslf-relance. activity. Responsibilities pa
sloncc. endurance. Judgment, Farm la-
Dor calls Tor Intelligence. and is no mere
tending Of machines The farm boy must
riss early 60 DO his chores before school
and attend 10 them after school he
has wood 30 aplt. cows e milk. stables
So clean. stock 60 feed lie must rush
shead with bis werk Ia order 20 have
any leisure. lie shares On she tolls
whieh feed, warm. shelter and ciothe The
family lite gains skiil tn meeting diff
cusss. .na hecomee sri'-relpHt b.
eaasr ha duAs iD himself gawer 60 90
10 learns TO snsfure cold heat and -.
Nxaa with fortgfu8e. FROM childhood hs
secs that labor - necessary. AND De sci.
dom aaahss Ws ias'ics srt noner. ne
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-11-03
NEW LINE OF STEAMERS.


SAN FRANCISCO, Nov 2-AccorsInv
70 * NJ. Thompson. a capitalist OF KAN
80 city. who IL in San Francisco, there
VIII oe new line OF steamers to Homo
proposed line" he says, .wflI have Topo-
lopamDo, in Mexico, "a its Pacific coast
port and II viii be operated in connec-
tlun with the Kansas City. Mexico & ORR
ent faiiway- The new enterprise is backed
~ Messrs. stillweli. Sylvester and other
wei known railroad builders and nanag-
ers: Inc route from Kansas City by rail
ana sea TO Honolulu. the Philippines and
hongkong will be about !. 300 miles short
rr IMAM any other. Our concessions and
sunsidfeS with the Mexican government
nave Deem perfected. and the railroad will
oe IN operation within eighteen months
save for a distance OF 100 miles over the
sierra Madre mountains, in Mexico Traf-
&c arrangements have been made with the
Chicago, Milwaukee a ST Paul railroad
80 as 70 give Chicago the benefit OF the
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-11-03

cnsrted anywhere from two to a dozen
miles, making steering bv the chart sx :
.remeiy dangerous The exceptions are
tne FIJI group. owned by Great Britain.
ana the TAHITI group. owned by France
nee nuu accufa.e sailing directions for
pared. ~
:. IN about the middle Of Bering sea the
Alod,r0ss discovered bank just 90 faith
Vns below the surface, while the charts
showed z,eoo fathoms' depth This bank
~ from nve 10 ten miles in extent.
- WORLDS record for deep sea net drag
s,sns was made about fifty miles esst OF
the Tonga group OF Islands. in lafitude
o degrees south. Specimens OF marine
ne we're brought up from a depth OF
srAV Iatnoms, or nearly five miieS
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-11-03
A. 4. BAsHoR DROWNED.
salem, Or, Man Lost FROM Seattle
Schooner Bear.

SAN FRANCISCO. Nov. Al. r. Stew
art. who arrived today from Dutch har-
ports thar A. A. Bashor, OF Salem, Or
was drowned October from the small
Seattle schooner Bear Stewart and
Dor I'm company with eight Others. on
July ~. They were aboard a small sailing
boat. the Iaefe. which wa1 washed ashore
ana wrecked at Cio,d News bay. From
NuceEak In small boat. landing at
Bristo. bay There they took the Bear
They were driven about for sixteen days
On the sth OF last month Bashor. while
on deck. went overheard. II IL supposed
the boom. In swinging struck him.
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-11-03

ever the remedy. the disease IS apparent.
The trouble with the average city boy
f. that he has never really learned 10
work-never learned TO coordinate the
activities OF mind and body. III future
generations are 10 be vigorous. home and
school must combine to give boys train
ing producing the results formerly COM
nell.d by necessities OF existence.