davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
Archibald Forbes Experience With
"A COlored Cabman.

There is a delightfully."- human story
which Archibald Forbes, the famous
war correspondent, told, rather at his
own expense, of his qualification at
the apparent desire of the man and
brother" for higher intellectual cul-
ture. On arriving at the station at
West Chester, Pa, where he was to
lecture, Il cOlOred cabman, 1t Is said,
offered his services to convey him to
his hotel. When he got there, Mr.
Forbes asked the extent Of remunera-
ton expected for the journey. The
darby replied:
well, sab, if you'd jes' give me u
ticket to de lectur', sab, l should be
right glad"
This unusual request from a cabman
struck him not only as singular and
laudable, but as quite complimentary
to him, so he said:
Certainly. And haven't you got a
missis!'
"Oh, yes, sab; Use got a missis!'
well, you shall have one for her"
And he requested his agent to hand
to the knowledge seeker the requisite
passes for the entertainment. On
reaching the lecture room he cast
glance over the audience to see his col
Ored friend, but he had not arrived,
nor did he put in an appearance. Next
morning, on getting into the same
mans vehicle to go to the station, Mr..
Forbes said
Il didn't see you at the lecture last
night"
"NO, sab; l We not dar."
But, you know, l gave you tickets
for yourself and WIFE,"
Eyes, sah l know that, sab, but you
see, sab, jes' sold dem tickets for 81,
sab, cause I'd rather hab de cash,
sab "-PhiladelDhia Call.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
Twice Each Month.

The Northern Pacific railway runs
Home Seekers Excursions. These ex.
cursions arc run on the first and third
Tuesdays in each month. Tickets are
sold from eastern terminals to points
on main line and branches west of Ait
kin and Little Falls, Mimi, in nearly
all cases at one fare plus 50 for the
round trip.
Time is given for intending settlers
and hOmeseekers to stop at various
places and examine the conditions pre-
vailing, prices of land, etc, with view
of purchasing homes ut most desirable
points.
The northwest is the coming cOun-
try. Good land is becoming scarce
and these excursions offer Opportuni-
ties for young people especially, to pro
cure homes in the finest portions of the
Northwest, in most cases reached only
by the Northern Pacific.
For more detailed information re
garding the scope and conditions sur
rounding these excursions, valuable
literature about the country, etc. call
or write to q. d. Rogers, Dist. Pass
Agent, SOB Locust st., Des MOines, Ia
or Chas. S. Fee, Gen. Pass. Agent, st.
Paul, MINI. For six cents Mr. Fee will
send Wonderland 1900, the finest illus
trated descriptive tourist book publish
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

No man Is a real man of science un-
less he is ready to abandon his own
conclusions, duly put on record, if sub
sequent Investigations prove them
fallacious. The president of a great
college once wrote a volume on the
practice of medicine. After it had been
completed and he had gone to New
York to arrange for it's publication
his house was burned, and the manu-
script of has book and all his notes
were DESTROYED.
He couldn't reproduce it. Ten years
afterward he said: That fire was the
greatest of good fortune to me. If l
had published the book, should have
had to stand by it, whereas now |
know that it was all wrong"
Mr.. Andrew Lang in Longman's Mag,
azine tells Of two biologists who were
gathering specimens in lonely noun,
tain place. One of them had written a
book. The other, looking about one
day with a fieldglass, saw his friend
occupied a long time-unobserved, as
he thodght-in rolling a great stone
down hill and at dinner questioned him
about 1t.
He pretended at first that he had
been doing it for exercise, but, hard
pressed, confessed:
well, the fact is the COMPOUNDED
thing was 200 feet too high to suit my
theory"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

A man was going home to his wife
and family. 1t was growing dark. His
road from the station was a lonely
one, and he was getting along as fast
as he could when he suddenly suspect
ed that a man behind him was follow
ing him purposely. The faster he went
the faster the man went until they
came to graveyard.
''Now," he said to himself, "I'll find
if he's after me-" And he entered the
churchyard
The man followed him. Vague visions
of revolvers and garroters grew upon
him. He made a detour of a splendid
mausoleum. Still the man was after
him, round and round.
At last he turned and faced the fel-
low and asked: What the dickens do
you want? What are you following
me for"
well, sir, do you always go home
like this? 1 am going up to Mr..
Browns house with a parcel, and the
porter at the station told me that If I'd
follow you l should find the place, as
you live next door. Are you going
home at all tonight?''-
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
Compliment with n sting.

Talk about delightfully."- put compli-
ments! l heard a girl at supper deliy-
er herself of a perfect jewel the other
night. She leaned across the table
the table next to me-to say it, and she
meant well.
"Oh, Miss Dumdum," she said cor
daily, i've got a trade at last for
your
"a swapW asked Miss Dumdum,
beaming with anticipatory delight.
"Uhhuhw answered the other. Lieu
tenant Bulbul said It,"
"Oh, do tell itv' pleaded Miss DUN
DUN eagerly.
ut was an awfully nice one" said
the first girl, land Lieutenant Bulbul
meant it too. He said you waltzed di-
vinely. He said he was awfully sur
prised, too, to find it out, so know he
meant it. He said he wouldn't have
thought from seeing you walk that you
could dance at all. "-Washington Post
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

| years old. Angel cake brought its In.
ventor 100000 while he lived and a
monument 40 feet high after death.
| Hoky poky ica cream won't be in IL
with dietary sausage. Peanut brittle
and lobster salad have already gone to
the rear. Why, sir, any moment tele-
| graph boy may come In with a tele-
| gram from the president reading: Con-
| gratulations on your dietary; have
only eaten one barrel and am sure
shall be renominated. Send another
by express The very next mail will
probably bring unsolicited testimonials
from dozen actresses and four or FIVE
senators. 1t is needless for me to tell
you that delays are dangerous. Time
tide and the dietary sausage wait for
no man. If you haven't got S., I'll try
and make So do. Leave your name
and 49,"
1.-THE Life of Napoleon ~
"Never mind the Life of Napoleon
my boy. Napoleon was a great man,
but Major Crofoot wasn't on earth
then. We are not delving In the past,
but digging into the future. Where
Napoleon made 500 you'll make $5,-
600. Let others conquer the world by
force of arms If they will, but Wen
conquer 1t by force Of dietary sau-
sage. You've certainly got 81 about
you. l want to get the organization
perfected today"
Twelve only got a dollar" STAN
mered the canvasser as he exhibited
the bill
"Well, I'll take 1t and make 1t go as
far as it WILL" replied the major as
the greenback changed hands. You'll
feel safer for having invested money
In the enterprise. Stock will be ready
in about two weeks, and as soon as
we can erect and equip a factory
you'll begin purchasing stock. Yes.
I'll make the dollar do, and you'd bet
ter begin posting up on meats. When
we once get started''-
But came up here to sell you this
bookv'
when we once get started, We'll
use up at least 1000 tons per week,
and you must be able to tell at
glance whether the meat is juicy
ShouSh loI ouI puTpOSe. ludl all,
and there you are, and I'll send for
you when the papers are ready to be
signed. l think we'll make the ground
floor price on stock 20 cents, but maybe
we can scale that figure down little.
At any rate, there you are, and you
can have every confidence that your
canvassing days are ended. Turn to
the right, please, and good day-good
day"
But listen a minute. l came up here
to sell YOU
And don't give me away-dOn't do
it," cautioned the major as he pushed
his caller along. Just keep mum and
saw wood until our patent Is secured,
and then Wen jump on the whole
world with both feet and boom dietary
sausage even to the drawing rooms of
royalty. Ground fioor-$15,OOO per
year-golden opportunity. Don't miss
it."
A minute later the canvasser found
himself on the street, and when he We
asked what had happened him that he
looked so put out he replied:
why, | went up to sell a man a
$3.50 subscription book, and I'll be
hanged If he didn't turn me out and
get my only dollar in cash besidesw
Nj. QUAD.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
Geld Steel or Death.

'"rhere is but one small chance to
save your life and that is through an
operation" was the awful prospect Set
before Mrs ]. b. Hunt, of Lime Ridge,
Wis, by he doctor after vainly trying
to cure her of frightful case of
stomach trouble and yellow jauntice
He didn't count on the marvellous
power of Electric Bitters to cure
stomach and liver troubles, but she
heard of it, took seven bottles, was
wholly cnred, avoided surgeons knife,
now weighs more and feels better than
ever. It's positively guaranteed to
cure stomach, liver and kidney troubles
and never disappoints. Price SOC at
A. Fl. Roberts drug store.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
He WON THE CASE.
A Story OF LAncoln's Wonderful Mem
tai and Physical Ability.

Professor Stevens was once work
ing up mining case for the govern.
ment in a western state where Mr..
Lincoln was practicing law. Mr.. Lin
coin at the time was comparatively I'M
known In law and politics. When the
professor engaged his room in the
crowded country hotel, he found that
a Mr.. Lincoln was to occupy one bed
in the room, as there was no other
place where he could be accommodate
ed. After arranging his books the pro-
lessor settled down in an easy chair to
prepare his brief.
Mr.. Lincoln soon came In and made
himself known. He said he also had
to spend the evening making up an
argument upon a mining case, and he
knew less about mines than about any
thing else. In an hour the professor
finished his work and retired, but be-
fore he did so he granted his room
mate the privilege of using all his
books, maps and papers upon mines
and mining. Then he went to sleep,
and when he awoke at 7 the next
morning ne IOunu MI. LlIcOlu JuSt
where he had left him porting over
his books and papers. The lamp was
still burning, although it was day
light.
AS Professor Stevens case did not
come up the next day he attended the
court to hear Mr.. Lincoln present his
arguments. He reached the scene In
time for the opening speech by his
roommate, and he staid all through
the session.
Although Mr.. Lincoln spoke for over
an hour on the technicalities Of mines
and mining, he did not make single
mistake. He cross examined some
half dozen surveyors and engineers and
In every case puzzled and embarrassed
them with his knowledge Of the sub
ject. OF course he won the case. But
Professor Stevens said that everybody
in the court believed he had been grad
uated in mining engineering and had
devoted years to the study of the sci
ence.-Saturday Evening Post.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
WORKED THE AGENT.
THE GRAND PROMOTER TOO MUCH
FOR THE BOOK CANvASSER.

Major Crofoot Organizes the Dietary
100000 and Accepts n Small In
staIlInent of Cash On Account.
copyright. 1900. by C. B. Lewis.l
1t was canvasser for 1.-The Life of
Napoleon" price $3.50 in calf, and he
had scarcely exhibited his sample copy
when Major Crofoot arose and took
him by the hand and exclaimed:
Just the man l wanted to see of all
others in the world! BY George, but
this Is luck!
Il shall be happy to book your or
der" smilingly replied the canvasser.
"Will you take calf or morocco"
my dear man." continued the ma
jor, "my name Is on sign at the door,
but 1t doesn't state my business. Let
me say to you that I am grand pro-
moter Of enterprises, an organizer, a
consolidater, an originator of some Of
the most stupendous and gigantic
schemes Of the country. You have
come to the right man in the right
time"
"Will you take calf or morocco"
six stupendous enterprises In the
last six weeks-one per week-and
every one of them bound to pay quar-
terly dividend of 80 per cent-bound to
do it. That's $1.20 per year, and I'd
like to see the diamond mines doing
better. Six stupendous enterprises
originated, capitalized and floated, and
now comes the seventh. Fortune must
have directed your footsteps. l am
going to take you in. Yes, sir, I'll give
you show compared to which the
Life of Napoleon can't be mentioned
Let me congratulate you, sir-let me
shake hands with another newborn
millionaire"
Yes, but how about the book,
majorW was asked.
You have heard of the dietary
sausage, of course" said the major as
he walked to and fro; Invented by
accident by one of the greatest chefs
In America. and, as he had no idea of
what a good thing he had struck, |
bought his right, title and interest for
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
SHE ORDERS HIS CLOTHES
And Takes Great Pains to Have Her
Husband Properly Dressed.


The wife of man who served with
distinction as a cabinet officer during
a recent administration entered tailor
shop near Fifth avenue a week ago
and said to the proprietor:
Il am Mrs. So and-so, and don't sup
very often"
"a good many women help their hus-
bands to select their clothes" said the
proprietor.
"Well, l am glad to hear that" said
the woman. II have bought my hus-
bands clothes for him ever since we
were married, and If did not look out
for them he would not have any
clothes. He never thinks Of them.
Didn't even when he was In Washing
ton, though he was always properly
dressed. Now | want some spring
clothes for my husband. | will select
the samples for three suits, and will
tell you just how to make them. When
my husband comes to get measured,
don't pay any attention to his orders
about the clothes if he gives any. If
he ordered his own clothes, he would
not be suited anyway"
The proprietor found that this wo-
man knew as much as the average
man about mems clothes, and he &C
cepted her directions. On the follow
ing day, when her husband came In,
the proprietor recognized him from his
pictures and said
"Mr. So-and-so, your wife selected
goods for three suits of clothes for you
yesterday, and If you will step back
will show you the patterns"
Young man." said the ex-cabinet
officer, 81 would not dare to interfere
with my wife's selections. Just take
my measure as quickly as you can and
make the clothes as directed"
After the measurements had been
made the ex-cabinet minister hurried
out without asking what style of suits
had been ordered for him.-New York
SIM
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

A fat dweller returned home the 9TH
er Thursday afternoon to find under
her door a card, Miss Mary x. CHS
holm"
who can she be and what did she
wantP' specialized the fiat dweller to
herself. Il don't know any Miss Mary
X. Chisholm" The mystery remained
unsolved until the return of the fiat
dweller's negro maid from her latter
noon out" ''She am lady fren Of
mine," explained the maid, grinning at
the card which in engraving and all
other respects was frreproachable.
"She lef' her cyard under de do when
she finds l was not ter home, same as
yO' lady fren'S "-New York Sun
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
Beecher's Hard Luck.

One day i'll town where he was TO
lecture Mr.. Beecher went into a barber
shop to be shaved. The barber, not
knowing him, asked him whether he
was going to hear Beecher lecture.
81 guess So" was the reply.
Well" continued the barber, "if you
haven't got ticket you can't get one.
They're all sold, and you'll have to
stand"
That's just my luck" said Mr..
Beecher. 81 always did have to stand
when I've heard that man talk."-La-
dies Home Journal.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

Paris has always been France. All
the great movements Of the country
have been centered here, whether po-
litical, religious, social, literary or ar
tistic. So that any attempt to trace the
history of the city launches one imme-
diately into the study of the nation,
while an effort to master the history of
the French people sends one to Paris.
One realizes this particularly when he
comes to study the lives Of her great
men and women. They may have been
born In the south or east or north or
west, but to rise to the first rank they
were obliged to seek the capital. 1t
was there they sought instruction,
formed relations, began their careers.
played their parts.-Scribner's
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
The Old ShInpIaatera.

Probably the greatest profit ever en-
1oyed by the government as a result
of the destruction Of money was in
connection with the fractional curren-
cy or shinplasters issued during the
civil war.
The total amount issued was $685.
724,O79, of which $6,SS0, 55S has never
been presented for redemption.
A large amount has been preserved
as curios by collectors, and occasion
ally even now 1t Is offered for re-
Observation-Disclosures News.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
Not RespOnsibIe.

"Say, whet right have you got to
kick" asked the man. "You never
vote"
''That's just the reason have right
to kick" said the tall man with the I'M
happy look. "As long as don't vote
/ am not to blame for the actions Of
the fellows that are elected."-Indian-
apolis Press.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
Order Adjourning Certain Terms of
Court.

WHEREAS, by act of the legislature of this
state, taking effect July 4th, 1900, the County of
Harrison has been added to the Fifteenth
Judicial District, and 1t thereby becomes neces-
Sary, in arranging the business of said district
to adjourn certain terms of court in the Counties
of CasS, Page and Montgomery; it Is therefore
| ordered and adjHdged that, in the County OF
CasS, The term OF court commencing on The 4th
day of september, 1900 be adjourned To- tile 18th
day of September, 1900; and the term OF court
commencing on the 9TH day of November. 1900,
be adjourned to the 2Sth day OF November, 1900;
and that the term commencing January 18th,
1901, be adjourned to the 9Th day of February,
1901 and tnat the term commencing March Goth,
1901, be adjourned to the 18th day of May 1901;
and that the term beginning the Sd day # Sep
tember, 1901, be adjourned to the Gath day of
September. 1901; and the term beginning the 9th
day Of November, 1901, he adjourned to the 18th
day oil November, 1901; also, that IN the County
of Montgomery, the term of court beginning the
10th day of October, 1900, be adjourned to the
I'D day OF October. 1900; and the term beginning
the 10Th day of February, 1901, be adjourned to
the 26th day Of February, 1901; and the term
beginning the 18th day of October, 1901, be ad-
that in the County of Page, the term beginning
the 9th day of October, 1890, be adjourned 10 the
18th day of October, 1900; and the term beginning
the 4lh day of December, 1900, be adjourned to
the 18th day o. December, 1900; and the term
beginning the sth day of October, 1901, be adj
jOurned to the 10Th day of October, 1901 and the
term beginning the Sd day OF December, 1901, he
adjourned TO the 10th day of December 1901 ;
and that the time fixed for the commencement
of terms in Harrison county remain as hereto
fore fixed for the Fourth Judicial District.
This order shall not be construed M liking
later date for the commencement OF terms I'm
Cass, Page and Montgomery counties, so far as
the commencement OF actions are concerned;
the legal commencement OF said terms, for the
commencement OF actions, to he as heretofore
scheduled and published. and this order Is to he
construed simply AS an adjournment of such
terms to the dates above fixed.
10 is further o. dered that the Clerk of curt i'm
each OF the respective counties of the Fifteenth
Hi..In Tar
order Of record and publish the same Ia the
manner required by law for the publication of
the tim OF holding court
Dated June 18th, 1900.
26-4 A.. THoRSELL,
N w. MACY,
WALTER !. SMITH,
w. X, GREEN,
Judges Fifteenth Judicial District Of Iowa.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

Starvation never yet cured dyspep-
STA. Persons with indigestion are half
starved already. Kodol Dyspepsia
Cure digests what you eat so that the
body can be nourished while the worn
out organs are being reconstructed. 1t
is the only preparation known that will
instantly relieve and completely cure
all stomach troubles. 1t is certain to
do you good. +. Prick & Son.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

VERY Low RATES TO CINCINNATI, ONO,
Via the North Western Line. Excur
sion tickets will be sold July 10 to IL,
inclusive, final return limit to August 10
on account of annual meeting B. Y. p.
u. Apply to agents Chicago & North
Western R'y. 262
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
Guessing Jokes

Hell know a man who would be
willing to give $1,000 to hear you sing.
She-Totally deaf, 1 presume?
He-Yes. And after he had heard
you he would give another thousand
dollars to be deaf again, imagine
This fable for ladies teaches that the
easiest way to irritate the gentleman
to whom one may be married Is to
guess his joke In advance.-Indianap-
oils Press
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

You look robust" remarked the
lady Of the house. Are you equal to
the task Of saving wood"
Equal isn't the word, madam" re-
piled the pilgrim as he resumed his
journey. Ppm superior to it."-Phila-
delphia Record.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

The famous clock In the Palais de
Justice in Paris dates from 1870 and
is the work OF the celebrated De Wick,
whose tnrret clocks are the earliest on
reliable record.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
Answered.

Henry Fielding was once asked by
Lord Denbigh why he wrote his name
Fielding" instead of Fielding" as
his lordship's family used
Il cannot tell, my lord" replied the
novelist, except it be that my branch
of the family were the first that knew
how to spell. Francisco Argo-
naut
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

VERY Low RATES TO CHARLESTON, s,
G. Via the North Western Line. Ex-
cursion tickets will be sold, on account
of annual meeting N. e. A., to be held
at Charleston, July 7.l3. For dates of
sale limits of tickets, etc., apply to agent
Chica go & North Western R'y. 26-2
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

Coronach ia a name formerly used
for the funeral dirge among the Irish
and Scottish highlanders. The dirge,
disused in Scotland, is in Ireland COM
monty known as the "keen"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

Unless food is digested quickly it
will ferment and irritate the stomach.
After each meal take teaspoonful of
Kodol Dyspepsia Cure. 1t digests
what you eat and will allow You to eat
all you need of what you like. 1t never
fails to cure the worst cases of dyspep-
STA. 1t is pleasant to take. E. Prick
& Son.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28

About "a women in 100 are stronger
in the left arm than they are in the
right. Women, too, are more frequent
ly equally strong in both arms than
are men.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1900-06-28
A Letter to the Candidate.

We are permitted to give copy of a
letter received by Georgia candidate:
Dear Sir an Fren-Hearin that you wur in the
Raice fer otis 1 want to know IL you would caire
for the yoat Of my Settlement. As goes, so goes
that Voat. The Settlement swairs by me, an
what tells 'em'to do they does 1t is white
and cullored voat mixed, but it is intellergent
voat If does say it Myself 1t is voat that kin
read, rite and count. II you wants that voat, let
me know. If!you don't want that voat l know
who docs.
Atlanta &C Constitution.