The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1900-01-28
Fables in Slang
George AIDES Sprightly
Tales With Morals.

that reason effectively So Artemus
Ward, Petroleum V. Nasty, Bill Nye had
each in his turn the gift of a similar
novelty; when their hunor was no longer
new, it palled. George AIDES matter is
today new; some day it will be old, but
today its novelty sharpens it fun. Take.
for instance, his 1.-The Fable of the Brash
Drummer and the Peach Who Learned
That Thee Were Others" which reads as
follows: "a well-fxed Mortgage Shark,
residing at Way Station, had a Daughter
whose Experience was nor as large as her
prospective Bank Roll. She had all Of the
component Parts Of a Peach. but she
didn't know how to make a showing, and
$here was nobody in Town qualified 10
give her q quiet HunCh She got her
Fashion Hints from a Trade Catalogue,
aud COX her TICS on Etiquette and Be
hav'0r from the Quest rs All Answers
Den1Ttn ent of an Agricultural Monthly.
The Girl and h - Father lived in a big
White House with Eycrsl cen Trees and
white-washed Dornicks in front Of IT, and
q Mind Pump a the rear. Father was a
good deal the same kind of a man as
David Harum, except that he didn't let
go Of any Christmas Presents, or work
the Soft Pedal when he had a chance TO
apply a Crimp to some Widow, who had
seen Better Days. In fact Daughter was
the only one on Earth who could induce
him TO Loosen Up. Now il happened that
there come to this Town every Thirty
Days a brash Drummer. who represented
a Tobacco House. He was Gabby
Young Man, and he could Articulate at
all Times whether he had anything to
Say or not. One night at Lawn Fete,
given by the Ladies Of the Methodist Con-
gregation he met Daughter She noticed
that his Trousers did not bag at the
Knees; also that he wore a superb Ring
They strolled under the Naples, and he
talked what is technically known as Hot
Air He made an Impression consider
ably deeper than himself. She promised
TO Correspond. On the occasion of his
next'Visit to the Way Station, he let her
wear his Ring and made a Wish, while
she took him riding in the Phaeton. He
began to carry her Photograph in his
Watch and show it TO the Boys employed
al the House. Sometimes he would fold
over one of her Letters so they could see
how it started out. He said the Old. Man
had Nothing But. and he proposed to
make it = case of Marry. Truly. IT
seemed that he was the principal Cake in
the Pantry and little did he think he
could be frosted. But Daughter after
much pleading. induced Father TO send
her to a Finishing School in the East a
Finishing School is a Place at which
Young Ladies are taught how to give the
Quick Finish TO Persons who won't do.
At School the Daughter tied up with a
Chum, who seldom overlooked a Wednes-
day Matinee, and she learned more in
three Weeks than her Childhood Home
could have shown her in three Centuries.
Now she began to see the other Kind;
the Kind that Wears a Getaway. with
White Flower in the Morning: a Frock
with Violets in the Afternoon, and
Jimmy little Tuxedo at Night For the
first time she began to listen to Harness
that had Chains to it, and she rode in
Vehicles that permitted her to look in at
the Second Stories She stopped wearing
Hats. and began to choose CONNECTIONS.
She selected them Languidly. three at a
time Then the Bill to the Way Station
and Father Down with Heart Failure.
She kept Mr.. Sothern's Picture on her
Dresser. with two Red Candles burning in
Gabby Will the Crackeriack Salesman,
she reached for the Peau d'Espagne and
s0rayed herself One
day when the Tobacco Salesman come up
Main Street with his Grips. on his way
to visit the Trade. he met the Drug
Clerk, who told him that She was Home
on a Visit So he hurried through his
Work. got a Shave. changed ends on his
Cuffs, pared his Nails, bought a box of
Marshmallows, and went out to the
House. Daughter was on the Lawn, seat
ed under a Canopy that had set Father
back Thirty-two Dollars. There was a
Hired Hand sprinkling the Grass with a
Hose, and as VIII, the Conversational
Drummer, came up the Long Walk,
Daughter called to the Hired Hand. and
said: johnson. there is a Strange Man
coming up the Wax; change the Direction
of the Stream somewhat. else YOU may
Dampen him" The Drummer approached
her. feeling Of his Neck-tie, and wondered
if she would up and kiss him right in
broad Daylight She didn't Daughter
allowed q rose colored Booklet. by Guy
de Maupassant. to sink among the Folds
Of her French Gown and then she Looked
at him and said: ''AIl Goods Must be
Delivered at the Rear
Don't you know me-" he asked
"Rully, it seems to me have seen you
somewhere she replied. but I cahn't
place YOU Are you the Man who tunes
the Piano
Don't YOU remember the night | met
you at the Lawn Fete he asked; and
then. Chump that he was, and all Ratified
he told her his name. instead of giving
her the scorching Comeback that he
composed the next Day. when 1t was Too
late.
i meet 50 many People travelling about
she said. 4 cahn't remember all Of them,
You know. ] dare say You called to SEE
Pu-pah: he will he here presently.
Then sh, gave him Some ones else
.Ievetber' Savior-Faire' and few other
Crisp ones. hot from the Finishing
school. after which She asked him how
the Dear Villagers were coming on. He
reminded he., that he did not live in the
Town. She said: only Fahncy' and he
said he guessed he'd have to be Going as
he had promised a Man 10 meet him at
Jordon's store before the Bank closed.
As he moved toward the St. Nicholas
Hotel he kept his Hand on his Solar
Plexus At five O'Clock he rode out Of
town on a Local.
Moral: Anybody can WIN unless there
happens to he a Second Entry"
There are twenty-six fables in the same
manner in George AIDES Fables IN
slang published by Herbert s. Stone
and Company, Chicago. They may nc
ol,tained IN Wichita Of the Goldsmith
Book and Stationery company.