The watchman and southron. [volume] (Sumter, S.C.) 1881-1930, 1900-04-18
An Epistle from Bob Iueerso!

to write you letter l promised be.
fore leaving New York Sam Jones
inadvertently told the trnth, for jest
as he predicted and as myself se
cret'y expected, l am in hades; came
straight through on flyer withou. a
stop ] am sitting on a hot cinder
writing this letter on q piece of slate
gouged from the ceiing with my tri
dent A trident. you know. is one of
those funny looking pi;chforks like
Neptune used to carry with him at
the seaside Everybody has one, and
IL makes fellow think he's at pop.
ulist convention.
When | was on earth I didn't be.
lieve in hell, for had travelled in
Kansas and didn't think there could
be two places 90 much alike But |
hsdt been here half a day till l be.
lieved in 1t whole lot 1t is much
more genuine and realistic than
anticipated. but | think Iii like it
when l get acclimated. just now
my feet are blistering from walking
on the hot pavement, and I'm dab.
bling them in the river Styx to cool
them off l was talking to Moees a
while ago and he says they will soon
get calloused and then III be all
hunkydory. He has read my Mis-
takes of Moses and laughingly admits
that he made good many when he
was new to the business He is
jovial old cuss and ! rather like him;
he told me on the dead Everything
is on the dead, here) that be didn't
write the Pentateuch. but knows who
did
There are lots of people here. and
strangers arriving daily But l
would not advise you to come till fall
or winter. and even then don't bring
anything but light summer suit
You WON'T need an overcost or um
brella or skates. but you might bring
along q palm leaf fan or two For
sn imaginary. mythical figurative.
a!legoicsl and unorthodox hell this
is about the hottest one ever got
into.
But cay! I got here just 10 time
to strike Q snsp Henry Beecher
had just been retired on account of
age. and Mephistopheles appointed
me to succeed him ss boss of the
New York oolony-the largest one
here i have q lovely new trident
with cute little spear points, and
his Satanic Majesty has promised to
get me long red tail and q pair of
horns like his when be goes to the
city next week He seems to have
taken fancy to me.
There are ministers here of every
denomination, aud several camp
meetings are in progress down the
river. Horace Greedy introduced me
to Spurgeon and old Peter Cart
wright. and We bad q very pleasant
little lark together. They expect
Tslmsge to join them before long
! have slso shaken hands with Tom
Paine and Voltsire and they seem
very pleasant gentlemen, said they
had watched my career for some
time and had been expecting me
daily Ben Frsnklin called on me
this morning He is wearing his
hair short and crisp and hss quit
inventiOg stoves; is forming Q
stock company for the manufacture
of ice
Or course there is q trust down
here--Solomon and Brigham Young
have ell the women coTpered The
politicians are organizing to defeat
the present administration and elect
. new devil They want me 10 make
the nominating speech. You know
] once nominated Blaine for presi-
dent aud did It up in shape. Don't
know who will be the nominee. jay
Gould is running we'll on account OF
his money and Judas lscariot and
Ansnias are quite popular.
! wish you could sepd me the
paper, would like to know what is
being said about me Suppose
they'll print q lot of my old letters
and publish enough pictures Of me
to start q rogue's gallery. and every
preacher will tell how it happened,
and wa.sr.brsined spiritualists will
communicate with my spirit aud all
that sort Of thing wish the whole
doddrotted pack we're down here for
wbile-they wouldn't feel 90 ell
fired gay. Well, must close We
need rain the worst kind, crops
almost q failure. If you're ever down
this wsy, drop in Yours truly,
Bob Ingersoll.
P S-A beer saloon would pay
big down here
Why Should Thew Dlstrnst