The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1900-12-16

once there was a Man who lived in the
same Hall Bedroom for IA years, because
he never could Catch Even on the Rent 1t
was snug little Box-Stail, and with cet'er
Ventilation il would have been almost as
comfortable as some Cells There were
raspy Lace Curtains on the Windows Inc
Man used 10 scratch Matches on them Also
there were two Paintings. One was either
Landscape or a Marine, and the Second rep
resented Human Being with his HAIR
combed the Way the Barber will comb 1t
unless you stop him. The Landlady said II
was a Picture OF her Dead Cousin. Cousin
looked the Part
The Roomer would come Home about once
a Day and climb over the Paste-Board
Trunk and look out at the Roof of the ad-
joining House. and then decide TO Go Out
and stay as Late as possible. He ate at
Restaurant in which Tall Mattresses with
Belladonna Eyes and False Frizzes showed
a Partially for the Customers who Waxed
their Mustaches He was accustomed to
Bolt his Food, while some one named Cert
leaned Tray against him and entreated
Laura in the Kitchen to Cut Hot Mince
and let the Fried Sweets come along with
the Medium Sirline.
When he received his Biennial Bid to go
around to some Private House and pretend
to be White Person for an Hour or so at
a Time, he took his Chop-House Manners
with him. He would feel around his Plate
for the little Yellow Ticket with the Gran
ulated Sugar caked on it. and perchance he
would ask the Maid If she had an Evening
Paper lying around loose.
He had formed certain Habits inseparable
from the Rank Outsiders and the Hoi
Polloi. 1t was Second Nature for him to
plant both Elbows on the Table and use the
Celery as Whisk Broom, and try to bal
ance the Knife on the Fork. and spill some
Salt on the Table-Cloth and write his Name
in it with a Tooth-Pick He needed "a
Check-Rein and Hobbies to hold him back
in HIS Chair and keep him from Playing
with the Tableware.
About the Time that he was 40 and con-
firmed Reuben, he got in with the Rise in
industrials, and the Wave of Prosperity
carried him out of the Hall Bedroom and
landed him in Suite that he called a Suit
He crowded his Luck and Parleed his
Bets. Things came mis- way and he decided
that he might as well begin to Mingle With
the Face Cards and make up for Lost Time
He had read in a Bitter Editorial some
where that any one who had the Stuff
could work the Open Sesame on the 400
and he was willing to relinquish a few
Shares of Santa Fe Preferred in order to
see his Name linked with those of the But
terfiies of Fashion. lie had noticed that
every one Made Fun of the People in So
ciety and tried to get Acquainted with
them, and he Willing to be a Member
of the Despised Faction. Besides, he wanted
to take Fall out of the Social Life of the
Time, in order to appease his Curiosity and
find out if it was as Gay as it had seemed
to One standing outside with the Coach
men and getting now and then a Glimpse
through the Plate Glass Windows.
A Piano-Player who went right into the
Best Houses unless they happened to hear
about it in Time said he would Fix IL for
him. So the Hall Bedroom Man had a lot
of Clothes made with Silk Lining, whether
it showed or not, for he was Determined to
be the real Peruvian Doughnuts, and there
wasn't a Thing to it,
He realized that he would have TO get
some Inside Information on Etiquette, Ia
BILE Manners and Good Form, but he
thought about three Lessons would put him
in Condition to Saunter into any Drawing
Room and set Everybody to Whispering
about him.
There were just a few Points that he
wanted to straighten out before he took his
Header into the Swim. He had heard that
a True Gentleman must or must not wear
Bob-Tailed Coat with a Tall Hat, but he
could not remember which. Furthermore,
he had Dim Idea that any one wearing a
Tuxedo would have to cut out the Tan
Shoes or else have the LOrgnettes pointed
at him. He hadr heard. also, that it was
considered Rough Work TO eat Peas with a
Spoon. or possibly a Fork, or perhaps a
Knife So he always passed up the Petit
Pois when any one was watching him, and
merely ate little Bread with a Fork, he
cause that was Cinch
The Piano-Player had suggested to him
in roundabout Way that any one who put
a Napkin inside of his Collar or wore a
striped Bow with Full Dress would be
termed Cad by those who had been as far
as Boston and Back, and never TO wear