Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-04-26
LETTER FROM
THE HOT PLACE
Bob Ipgersoll Writes Friend On
Conditions as He Finds Them
Thinks He'll Like It When
He Gets Acclimated.

The following letter, purporting to have been
received in Indiana from the distinguished 'un- |
believer" will doubtless prove interesting read
ing:
BANK OF The STYx, SnEoL, Nov. 2O.-Friend
John: will endeavor to write you the letter
promise before leaving New York. Sam Jones
Inadvertently told the truth for just a. he pre-
dicted, and a myself secretly expected, I am
in Hades. Game straight through without .
stop. am sitting on hot oinder writing this
letter on . piece of slate gouged from the CELL
Ing with my trident. trident you know is
ono of those funny little pitchforks like Nep-
tune used to carry at the seaside. Everybody
has one, and it makes fellow think he's at .
populist convention.
When was on earth did not believe in h,
for had leotured in Kansas and didn't think
there could be two places 60 much alike. But
hadn't been hero half day till believed it .
whole lot. Il IL much more genuine and real
istio than had anticipated, but think Ill like
it when get acclimated. Just now my feet
arc blistered from walking on hot pavements,
and am dabbling them in the river Styx to
cool them off. w.s talking to Moses while
| ago. and he says they will soon get calloused,
and then I will be all hunkydory. He has read
my Mistakes of Moses" and laughingly admit
ted he made good many when he was new in
the business. He is . jovial old cuss, and
rather like him. Told me on the dead-every-
thing is on the dead here-that he didn't write
the Pentateuch but knows who did.
There are lots of people here, and strangers
arrive daily. But would not advise you to
come down until fall winter, and even then
you need not bring anything but light sum-
mer suit. You Won't need an overooat OF um.
brella or skates, but you might bring palm
leaf fan or two. For imaginary" mythical"
"ngurative," allcgoricsl." "unorthsdox' b.,
this il about the hottest thing ever run up
against
But, say, just got here in time to strike o
snap. Henry Ward Beecller has Just been re-
tired on account Of age. and Mephistopholes
has appointed me to succeed him as boss of the
New York colony, the largest one hero. have
. lovely new trident with cute little spear.
point business ON the tines, and the devil has
promised to get mo q long red tail and pair
OF horns like his when he goes to the city next
week.
There are ministers here Of every denomina
ton, and several camp meetings are in progress
down the river. Horace Greeley introduced me
to Sppraepn ana Eetor Cartwright last night
and we had pleasant little lark together.
They expect TalmaRe to join them before long.
have also shaken hands with Tom Paine and
voltairc, and find them very pleasant gentle.
men. They said they bad watched my career
for some time, and were expecting me daily.
Ben franklin called this morning. He is wear.
ing his hair short now, and doesn't look gu
much like Queen Liliouka,ani as he used to. I
could never tell their pictures apart.
Of course the trust here is digger than a
chipmunk." Solomon and Brigham Young have
all the women cornercd, and the politicians are
organizing to defeat the present administration
aud elect a new devil. They want me to make
ltbs Yopih5i;;TI::;. ssneech You know nominated
Blaine frr pressidt.,t ana qit if w ~ shape i
do not kpuw who Will be the nominee. JaS
Gould il running we'll on acc'ant of his money,
and Judas lsoartot and Ansnias are quite pop.
ular.
wish you could send me the papers. won. ~. =
like to zee what is being said about me. sup
pose they will print lot Of my old letters and
publish enough plctuIea of me to start q
Fegne, g4liavs, sd every little two-by-four
preacher will tell how NJ hsppenea, ana water-
Drained spiritusliats will commune with my
apirit snd tell all that sort of thing. wish the
whole dodrotted lot we're down here while
They wouldn't feel no ALFRED gay.
Well, must close. We need rain the worst
, kind; crops are almost failure. If you are
ever down this way, drop in. Yours. truly,
Boz INGERsoLI.
P.s.-A soda fountain would pay big down
, here.