The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1900-02-28
WHAT A CIGAR DID.
A Terrible Warning to All Men
with Flowing Musiaches.
How nm UnIucky Individual Had His
sinEed So Badly That he shaved It
on Completely and Succeeded In
Making an Awful Hit.

Making an Awful hit.
In lighting the short stub Of cigar
the west end man with the huge, flowing
mustache nbsentmindedly burned away
about half an inch Of one end Of that hir-
suite adornment. lie studied the effect
in the glass.
cit makes my dial look lopsided,' he
unused. ut gives me the appearance OF
having n list TO starboard. IL looks like
nothing doing on the port side of my
map. | stand in danger of carcening
to the right In the first squall TINT strikes
ME. Ii get that right side trimmed to
match the left side. the whole outfitll
look stubby and bristly. la New York
COP. wherefore Ill have the whole durn-
ed thing shaved off, and IL I make a hit
among my friends and relatives that
way, III keep il off altogether. I'm good
looking enough anyhow to go without a
mustachc. Anyhow | understand it's the
distangy kink to go mustacbeless nova
days"
The man had worn a mustache for ~
years-ever since that remote day when
his father had given him a night key.
That had made him so proud and exult-
ant that he Immediately began to cajole
his upper lip, and he'd worn the mus
tache ever since. His wife had never
seen him without mustacte.
The man chuckled inwardly as he told
his barber to take off the mustache.
There's an extradition treaty now
with Canada, you know" said the bar
Der Familiarity.
'Oh. I'm not fixing to elope with my
firms roll" replied the man. I'm just
curious 70 ascertain what brand OF manly
beauty / possess without this hrceze in
yiter, that's all"
When the operation was over, and the
man rose up in the BARRIERS chair, he
studied himself in the glass obviously,
jogging his head from side to side.
what do you think Of itT' inquired
the barber.
II think I'll camp here until after
dark" replied the man.
But this was impracticable. So he
went forth.
Hello, there, JIM" said he to the first
friend he met.
His friend gazed at him out of the tail
of his eye in passing.
'Ha, hal Don't recognize me. hayT
said the man, with forced glee.
His friend wheeled and examined him
carefully. Then he put his hands to his
sides and shrieked with laughter.
what the dickens is the matter with
you, anyhow, you idiotT' inquired the
mustacheless man. a tri1e miffed.
"Oh, nothing" replied his friend, be-
tween gasps. Nothing at ail-except
that IL had that face I'd black up"
''How are you, Tomr said the barber
ed man TO the next friend be met.
Friend No. 2 looked at him coldly.
Guess you're mistaken, aren't you?
he said.
The mustacheless man laughed hol-
low, doubtful laugh. His friend recog-
nized the laugh and Immediately execut-
ed a realistic imitation of man just hit
by a Krag bullet. Then he fell up against
an awning pole and roared.
"Walk backward, old man. and maybe
You won't be pinched this time" he said,
when he had recovered himself some
what. "You can slip out into the coun-
try after dark. and keep out of sight OF
the authorities until 1t grows again."
Friend No. 3 suggested that he have
his face trimmed.
Friend No. 4 asked who had broad Ak
ed him In the talker.
Friend No. informed him that he was
a dead ringer for Soak" McGuffey, the
hotcu secouu storg man hhu an ahNu'N
boarding house sneak.
Friend No. 6 said he reminded him OF
Charles Bigelow, the comedian.
Friend No. asked what had bent his
countenance.
.'If had a mush on me like that, I'd
ask for a receiver and go into voluntary
liquidation" said friend No. &.
why don't you get drop shutter for
that?" asked friend No. 0.
Massage is good for ingrowing face
/ understand" suggested friend No. 10.
"Say, you'd make n hit in vaudeville
with that" said friend No. IL.
EVERY man his own Mammoth cave"
said friend No. II.
The shades of evening found the mus
tacheless man leaning up against tree
box in the neighborhood Of his home,
wondering whether he'd better so in or
not. He Tipped coin.
Heads / go home; tails give myself
up as n vag," he muttered.
Heads won. His wife opened the
door when he purposely rang the bell in
stead of using his latchkey. He stepped
forward to bestow the usual salute. his
wife screamed for the servant.
How dare your she cried, retreating
down the hall. MY husband is right up
stairs. and
"Well, what do you think of me?" ask
cd the mustacheless man, trying dismal
ly TO be jaunty.
She recognized the voice. She regard
cd him with establishment, open mouthed.
Then her face puckered. and she raised
her handkerchief TO her eyes.
'Does 1t look so bad, honestr he asked
her when her first torrent Of grief was
spent.
"Bad?' she replied between sobs.
civilian, you look sacrilegious!
Then he wandered mournfully up stairs
to see his infant in its cradle. The baby
was studying the ceiling with wide open
eyes when he bent over it. When the
baby saw the face, II let out one terrific
whoop and turned over on its side. bawl-
ing.
Its plain to be seen that I've made n
hit all around, all right" groaned the
mustacheless man, walking down the
basement steps to the dining room. He
looked into the kitchen on the old black