The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1900-12-02

chair by the center desk, laying his sun
Drowned derby with its roller-coaster
brim on top of the ink bottles. He then
claSped his hand as in meeting.
i am from Bay City," he started, aud
L have made the most remarkable dis
coVer1es that have ever been made in the
history OF the world, whereupon he be
gan list of them The first was actual
" cow tail holder Of the most phenom-
email device, consisting of a regular der
TICK to be constructed on the animals
h1ndQuartefS at great expense and trG u
hle, and pig iron clasp to grip the tail.
Apparently the gentleman had had some
bitter experience while milking resultant
from switching tails of the bovine genus.
| and he had counted ties to get his trOu-
hles relieved. The next discovery on the
list was equally gigantic in frame, and
consisted of clock alarm fashioned w tn
special reference to soaring cats out of
iron weight attached to a rope made to
fall into a tin pan placed on a stool be-
meath the clock, the whole chiefly design
ed for noise. He wound up his list Ct
inventions with the invariable perpetual
notion the hobby, the craze, the fasc-
ration of all inventors since invention be-
gan and then narrated his history and
all his personal affairs. He had been
something of an explorer in his youth
and had crossed the plains with the
Pathfinder of the West, Fremont. Then
he had taken to fnVentingR after q pas
tora1 existence on a Wisconsin farm.
A clerical individual was the next in
line, Presbyterian minister from Rich
nlond. He commenced with an "Ahem, =
and proceeded by gentle degrees to I'M
| fold his plan for the benefact1on of hu-
manfty. 1t was a guide to keyholes!
Il am surprised, sir, remarked the
gentleman at the desk, that you of all
men should have invented this The
minister was perturbed.
well" said he, alphabetically, zone
very often finds, on returning home late
in the evening. that the keyhole is-ah,
extremely"
I'VE understand perfectly returned
the office force, and the gentleman re-
tired blushfng.
4 stout old gentleman With whiskers
and wide brimmed SLOUGH hat next
sitEntered in. He hailed from the
Hoosier state, and apparently was one
of the gods of the town hall, and ac-
cnstomed to rapld-firing arguments.
With one hand in his pocket and the
Other to brandish, while his whiskers
swept the deck, ne demanded the draw
inch paper. Nothing else would satisfy
him, and he departed in thunderous dis
gust.
One Of the regular visitors is min
iSterial gentleman with mutton chops
and blackotie and a coat that has seen
better days. He has newer and wild
er Invention on each visit, and invariably
spreads the plans on the desk, eloquent
~ calling the attention of the Office, and
announcing gravely and with considerable
dramatic force ga little child can work
it.
The office force. feeling its 6ulness
perciptible squirns and feels foolish, so
Commiserating look for them has the
cid inventor as he pronounces again with
yet more emphasis when they fail to
comprehend: why, a little child can
work it +"
One of the most thrilling Inventions
however, is the new and improved fire
escapes. The inventor was a portly In
dividual, who trod as though the floor
were rotten eggs, and gazed suspiciously
on all the clerks. He desired to be as
sured that the patent office would not
steal his invention, and when so as
sured, accused the gentlemen Of being
liars, thieves and blackguards. Then he
proceeded In melting tones to relate the
tale of his new and improved fire escape.
1t was an umbrella, which one must ad-
just beneath his chin and around his
neck by leathern device, more adjust
able than a hang rope. Then. attiring
his feet in. soft-soled shoes, while the
flames were mounting upward and the
smoke envelopes him, he Jumps! 1t was
very dramatic. The office beamed its
comprehension, its approval for the use
of the inventor in question.
One of the funniest incidents concerns
another minister, who was addicted to a
fondness for whisky, and evolved q re-
markable and original means of era tify-
new sort of liquor flask, very new, and
was actually patented. It consisted in
making the outer covering of the flask
In the form Of a book, marked legal
Decisions" The book was large enough
entirely to cover the bottle including the
in the covering beneath the bottom of tie
flask, so that it could be pushed upward
and the neck would project through the
top.