The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1900-10-21
A TALE OF TONGUES.
This Traveller Declares We Do Not
SPEAK Euglfsh.

| "A TALE OE. VON9UES.
This Traveller Declares We Do Not
Speak English.
| An American who has returned from
| abroad has come to the conclusion that
we have no language, according to the
English standard. and gives her reason
| in letter to the Boston Transcript
| "One day, for instance, when on
the dizzy top of my first London
| bus, an e-looking English
woman turned to me and said stifny,
| Thank you!' I did not understand her.
Twice she repeated with stern emphasis
Thank your and half rose from her seat.
Then I saw that she wanted to pass me.
| The remark was a request the first time,
| command the second. But how, pray,
was an American to know that? Even the
simple words up and down proved
| too much for me when found them mark
ing the platforms of a suburban station.
Being bound for the North I selected the
side placarded UP Trains. Presently a
porter came to me and demanded alb
ruptly, Where for?' York said I. A
shade of melancholy crossed his face.
You'll ave to cross the line by the
bridge, miss; this is the hup side l
protested. / was going due north, and
would by no means take down train.
Well, you be going from London, be'ant
you miss?' retorted the porter, as il that
settled it. And, indeed. it did. North.
south, east or west; it's up to London
and down to everything else in the ISL
and On another occasion l came near
being dashed to death by pursuing han
som, because, forsooth. I stood still when
the driver yelled Hi! hip To me Hi
meant Hold on, there, / want to speak
to you so l incontinently drew up. Five
Of these mystifying phrases noted in my
diary, and unrayeled them one by one.
They we're: Steam roundabout a fall
for travelling. annual Sermon cubicle.
and Chocolate sandwich The sandwich
I ate; it was layer cake. The cubicle
investigated and found It to be tiny
bedroom. The annual sermon. found en-
enquiry. did not mean only one sermon
year. The fall I bought, and it proved
to be veil. Lastly, I refused to have
anything to do with steam roundabout
when it turned out to be a rampant mer-
rygo-round.
Still, on the whole, had little serious
trouble in understanding what was said
to me. 1t needed only little ingenuity
and a few questions to get at the English
meaning. When it came to making the
English understand me, however, it was
a very different matter. found them any
thing but agile in interpreting unfamiliar
phrases. 1t was only after repeated fall
ures to persuade the bus conductor to
let me out >at a specific crossing that
l learned to say put me down. which
worked like a charm. asked a booking
clerk for stop-over privileges. and he
stared amazement. l might break the
Journey If l liked, but what did l mean
by 'stop-over?' Return trip only
I,r'-
soon learned to replace it with How
much for the round,' Nobody understood
me when l asked how many blocks or
squares it was to the cathedral But IL
/ said, Can you direct me to the cathe-
dral?' out came the concise reply, Top
of the street. second turning to the left.
You can't miss it. In WarwickshiTe
tried to send my too cumbersome trunk
ahead by express. The porter assured me
this was impossible-there was no such
system in England. 'Freight? No; he
didn't know anything about freight. 1t
took the penetration of the hotel porter to
fathom my difficulty and supply the magic
words. goods train In London at
tempted to buy a pair Of silver cuff but
tons. I don't think We have the article.
madam said the perplexed clerk. Sleeve
buttons?' No better. Cuff links, sleeve
Iinks?' Still-no success. Things to fasten
your cuffs with.~I cried at last in des-
peration. Slowly light broke over his
countenance. 'Ah!' he exclaimed. you
mean solitaires!' and he didn't mean dia-
monds, either. Again, needing 4 paper
fan for steamer use, enquired at phar
maceutcal chemist shop where fans were
to be found, and was directed to fruit
erer and florist hard by. An unlikely
place, thought /. However. in I went and
demanded fan. Certainly said the OBJ
sequious shopkeeper; but do you require
one in pot?' They thought I said
farm to rhyme with BARN. and that,
in their dialect, is spelled fern. Only
by saying 'fahn' should get what want
ed. / hastily explained and was directed
to the establishment Of H. Quick & Son,
silk MERGERS. linen diapers. haberdashers,
and upholsterers, where l found my article
in the ironmongery department.
There is a certain amount of philosophy
to be derived from all this. In the first
place, never expect an Englishman to
meet you half way In the struggle for
perspicuity. On the invader must lie the
onus of accommodation. Therefore, set
about acquiring the language as promptly
as possible, pick up the accepted English
phrases, the accent. and even the odd up
ward Tilt of the sentence, and your prog
ress through the island will be wonder
fully smoother than that of your wooden
headed countrymen who refuses to abate
one title of his Yankee vernacular.''