The Irish standard., 1900-11-17

That school teacher wanted me te
propose by letter." What for?" Ssh,
said many a man who was all right OIL
grammar was terribly shaken on spell.
ing
Edmund, what made you so late?''
My dear. Icame up on my new auto.
mobile and passed the house five times
before l could arrange to stop"
I've come to tell you, sir, that the
photographs you took of us the other
day are not at all satisfactory. Why.
my husband looks like an ape!' "Well,
madam, you should have thought Of
that before you had him taken"
What do you mean when you saw
that she lampooned her husband ?.
asked the magistrate of the witness.
Il mean that she threw lighted lamp
at him." the witness explained"
Customer-Look here, 1 want to
change this coat bought here yester-
day. My wife doesn't like it." Heidel-
burg-"Change that coat? You must
be crazy! That's the finest piece of
goods you ever wore. tell you what,
my friend. you'd better keep that coat
and go home and change your wife"
New there is carpet" said the
dealer, that can't be beaten" "Just
what l want" said the tired-looking
man who had recently undergone lit
tie experience in his back yard "Send
a man up to my house at once and
measure every room."
Teacher-Now, Tommy, give me
sentence, and We'll change it to the
imperative form. Tommy-The horse
draws the wagon. Teacher-Now put
it in the imperative. Tommy-Gee-up.
when grow up, Gracie," the little
boy said, .I'll marry you" when you
grow up, Willie" she replied, you'll
get down on your knees and ask me-"
Cleverton-I find nowadays that if a
man wants to marry girl he has to
work till he gets her. Dashaway-
But ii it's the right girl he doesn't
have to work afterwards.
He-Nothing could come between us.
could it dear? She-I can't think of
single thing, unless should happen
to become engaged to some other man.
she-Why didn't you answer my let
ter? Hell never. received it. She
You didn't? He-No; and besides it
was written in such O peculiar hand I
couldn't make out more than half of
it.
Ethel-When man talks all by HIM
self, what is that called? Mamma
Why, that's called 'monologue."
Bthel-Oh, see. When the cats get
to talking on the, back fence, that's
Catalogue isn't it? @
The MendicantABeg pardon, sir, but
1 havn't had anything to eat for a
week. The Philanthropist-Let me con-
gratulate you upon your success in SO
interesting an experiment 1t must be
n great saving to you, and I'm sure
you're looking we'll:
Hattie He paid me very pretty
compliment. He said my movements
were birdlike. Bertha-I saw him the
day before gazing at Mrs. Quelper's
ducks. You don't suppose it was they
that put the idea into his head?
Teacher-Jimmy, if you. should find
10 pennies and another boy should take
two-thirds of them away, what would
each of you have? Jimmy-Td have
six pennies an, he'd have good
thumpin', less he handed back the rest
of IN mighty quick"
Here is an article in the Sunday pa
per that says a woman's character can
be determined by her nose" "Well,
there may be something in that, but
there's a surer way. No one can
make mistake concerning woman's
character if he will look at the noses of
other women who meet her. The ex-
tent to which they turn up at such
times shows just what she is or isn't"
listen, Harriet, Ii Hung Changes
wife has 5000 gowns" ..well, Har-