The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1900-02-25
Copyright. 1900. by Seumas Ma
MauusO

Copyright, 1900. by Seumas Mac
Manus.)
See Niagara and die" my friend
F'itz contentedly sighed, as he Topped
down beside me in the trolley car
which We had held up on Main street,
Buffalo. Then the sooner you see it,
the better for mankind - 1 remarked
N my innards. Fitz is sensitive. and
boxer. 1 know there are many pious
Americans who, somewhat different
from F1tz, say. Lead a holy life, die.
and go to Niagara" Such a creed land
nave found It a widely prevalent one)
speaks trumpet-tOngued for the Won
derful charms Of Niagara. for the pro-
tessors of this faith know Niagara in
tlmately and wen through the medium
of guide books.
As we bowled along over the open
snOW-clad country 1 related to F'itz the
story OF one Of these Niagara enthu-
siasJs whom I had known. After look
ing forward for five years to a journey
20 his Mecca, Providence and a success
ful gambling transaction put a spare
$50 bill in his pocket. He went off to
Niagara with the precipitancy of q
Brooklyn banker. Four days later he
was at home again, his pockets filled
with interesting mementoes, and his
purse empty as politicians argu-
ment.
heard him on the evening after his
return preaching Niagara's unspeak-
able delights at a crowd of friends
Under the dome of heaven Chose
We're his wOrds) there was not, there
could not be another place az enchant-
ing, as intoxicating. as Elysian. as
Niagara" Next night l got him by
himself, and 1 held him with my eye
whilst l said, Murphy, on your honor
as dry goods clerk, did you enjoy
Niagara" odd man." said he, look
ing back over both his shoulders at
the same time, and sinking his voice
don't give me away, for the Lord s
sake, but I've had a toOthache in my
liver ever since 1 saw it." Murphy
furthermore added that he had to act
and talk a bare-faced lie the night be-
fore because he couldn't afford to have
half a score of idiots laugh at him.
and because, also, every one Of the
aforesaid idiots was bent on going to
Niagara some day or other; and why
should he spoil their fun.
so, friend Fritz" I moraliZed
blessed are they that expect nothing
for they shall have their anticipations
realized" So enteTtainingly thus did
l pass the time for Fritz, that when he
limped off the car at Niagara ne was
as buoyant as a leaked football, and he
would have fallen an easy prey 10 the
jehuS that here descended upon US had
he had no one to watch over him.
The alleged carriages that these fell
lows COeTCe Weak-willed people into are
one Of the wonders Of Niagara. I know
for a fact that people have ridden in
them ard lived, but 7 Indignantly re-
fuse to believe-what friends have tried
to assure me-that upright men. having
been seduced into riding in these afro
cities, went back into the bosom Of
their families within less than quaran-
tine time. No self-respecting man ever
did. 1t is told that an aeronaut, who
had been carried up into far space,
whence the states looked each so small
that he could not distinguish one from
another, at length, to his Joy, located
himself. We're just passing from New
York into Canada" How do you
know that?" asked his friend in mis-
fortune. He shifted and said, Don't
you feel the Niagara carriages2" Per
sOnaIly. I am Of the opinion that this
may possibly be a story concOcted by
someone who had spent his purse com
ing to see Niagara. But / know for
certain Ca friend on whose word I can
rely told mel that in the summer Of q
think &c, there were ten hot days
wherein the carriages smelt 50 loud
that the falls could not be heard by
one standing in close proximity to
them. Such crowds rushed TO Niagara
then that ] am told the carriage own
ers have since worked the dodge for
all it is worth. But it has now ceased
to be a phenomenon,
Holding my nOstrils. I explained to
| the cIamOring drivers that as my friend
! nix n init he
would rot need a carriage until after
the event, and it would give him ex-
! ceeding pleasure to engage his services
then. They looked at F'itz pitifully and
! backed away.
How did the falls strike you? is the
question that rises naturally to every
ones lips. 1 suppose l would be
sneered at as a very unoTiginal jOkist
/ If 1 ventured to naturally reply. to-
/ wit, that the fact Of my being here to
| tell it is evidence sufficient that they
/ did not strike me at all. There are So
many only original jokists nova
/ days that a mans surest chance Of dis
tinctiOn is to be unOriginal. AprOpOs OF
/ everything, I may here mention that
| in Buffalo I was entertained with the
. account of the man who lived all his
/ life there. within sound Of Niagara
a nd died recently at the reverend age
/ of four score years and ten, without
/ having once gone to see the falls. Al
! IS years of age he felt small amongst
! his contemptuOus fellows. but at so the
same fellows began to say with an adj
I miring smile, why, here's Jonathan
/ 3. Brown, and fancy, he's never vel
/ seen the falls," At 80 years of age the
man who had never seen the falls was
| grown vain and pointed out on tht
/ streets for the marvel of strangers; a
/ 20, strangers were brought to see him
/ at so. a syndicate got hold of him, much
/ to the chagrin of Niagara, which depre-
/ Gated such a serious cOunter-attr
| but after a time it was found thai
/ both attractions were of mutual aid tC
each other. No visitor to the fallt
I could think Of returning home without
I having seen the man who never saw
1 the falls, and no visitor to Jonathan
/ 3. could think of returning home with
out going also to see the sight he never
saw. SO every visitor, hencefOrward
took in both attractions or rather
| thought they took them in. And how
I after a year or sO-if my memory
serves me right, it was in May 81
/ the Niagara Falls company and thu
! Jonathan 3. Brown company, Ltd.
amalgamated, and an efficient and
seTyiceable electric car system con
! meeting Bunalo ana Niagara was eS
! tabliShed. 1 was told, too, that wheI
Jonathan B. closed his eyes on tn,
world, to the intense indignation of tn,
! shareholders. his last words. whispered
! in the ear Of a friend who stood bl
/ him, were: "I-have nev-nev-ever-s seer
! the-falls, As he had lived vainly, h
/ died vainly-a remarkable contradic
ton to the dictum that pride will al
ways have its falls.
! Jonathan 3. resided twenty mile!
/ from Niagara, so / hold that his cas-,
is not a 1.-THE so remarkable as my dis
COveTy-a discovery which for the ben
eft of mankind 1 give freely and un
hesitatingly to the world-to-wit, Sila.
o. Judd. He resides, and has resided
since he was a little boy, just so high