Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1900-08-10

Banks OF the Styx, Sheol,
August 30, 1899.
Dear Friend:--I will cndeavor to
write you a letter 1 promised before
leaving New York. Sam Jones mayer
tently told the truth, for just as he pre-
dicted, and l myself secretly expected,
am In Hades. Come straight through
without stop. ! am sitting on hot
cinder writing this letter on piece Of
slate gouged with my trident. A "trl-
dent" you know, is one OF those funny
looking little pitch forks like Neptune
used to carry about with him at the
seaside. Everybody has one and it
makes fellow think he is at Popu-
list convention. When l was on earth
l didn't believe In hell for had trav-
eled 10 Kansas and didn't believe there
could be two places so much alike.
But hadn't been here half day un-
til believed it a whole lot. 1t is much
more genuine and realistic than an
ticipated, but think will like 1t when
/ get acclimated. Just now my feet
are blistered from walking on hot pave
ments and am dabbllng them in the
Styx to cool them off. was talking to
Moses awhile ago and he said they
would soon get calloused and then
would be all hunky-dUry. He has read
my mistakes OF Noses" and laugh
ingly admitted that he made a good
many when he was new at the business.
He is jovial old fellow and l rather
like him. He told me on the dead
everything is on the dead here-he did
not write the Pentateuch but he knows
who did. There are lots OF people here
aud strangers arrive daily. But l
wonld advise you not TO come down un-
Ill fall, or winter, and even then you
needn't bring anything hut light
summer suit. You won't need an um-
brella or skates but you might bring a
palm leaf fan or two. For an "Imagi-
nary" mythical" "uuorthodox" hell,
this is about the hottest one / ever got
into. But say! got here just in time
TO strike snap. Henry Ward Beecher
has just retired on account of age and
Mephistopheles appointed me to succeed
him as boss OF the New York colony
the largest one here. l have a nice
new trident, with cute little spear point
business on the tines and the devil has
promised to get me a long red tail and
pair Of horns when he goes to the
city next week. He seems to haye
taken fancy 10 me. There are minis
ters here OF every denomination, and
several campmeetings are In progress
down the river. Horace Greely intro
duced me 10 Spurgeon and old Peter
Cartright, and we had a very pleasant
lark together. They expect Talmage
to Join them before long. have also
shaken hands with Tom Paine and
Voltaire and find them very pleasant.
Said they had watched my career for
some time and were expecting me
daily. Ben Franklin called on me this
morning. He is wearing his hair short
now and he doesn't look SO much like
Queen Lilioukalani as he used to-I
never could tell their pictures apart.
or course the trust is here "bigger'n
a chipmunk." Solomon and Brigham
Young have all the women cornered,
and the politicians are organizing to
defeat the present administration and
to elect new devil. They want me TO
make the nominating speech. You
knew nominated Blaine for president
and done 1t up In shape. Don't know
who'll be the nominee, Jay Gould is
running we'll on account of his money
and Judas Iscariot and Annanias are
quite popular. wish you could send
me the papers-I would like to know
what's being said about me. suppose
they will print lot OF my old letters
and publish enough pictures to start "a
rOgue's gallery, and every little two-by
four preacher will tell show 1t hap
pened," and water-brain spiritualists
will commune over my spirit, and that
sort Of thing. wish the whole dod-
rated pack was down here awhile
they would not feel SO alfred gay.
Well / must close. We need rain the
worst kind--crOps are almost fail
ure. II you are ever down this way
drop in. Yours truly,
| Bob INGERSoLL.
p. S.-A soda fountain would pay big
down here.