The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1900-05-14
DOOLEY ON EXPOSITION.
The Humorist of Archey Road Talks
About the Big Fair.

Va 0ASAoy xSOdu 4dlhS
About the Big Fair.
If this r-rush iv people to tn Paris Ex-
position keeps up" said Mr.. Hennessy,
ilict a Prisidint"
They'll be enough. left,' said Mr.. Doo-
icy. Fhere always Is. No wan has gone
TT m Ar-rchey r-road, where tn voters
ar-re made. I've looked ar-round every
tnCrnih 1a expectin' to miss some familyar
fsces. / thought Dorgan, tn plumber
WCuld go sure, but he give it up at tn
las moment an will spend his summer
on TN drainage canal. Tn baseball sea-
son III keep a good NANNY others hack
an number iv riprisintitive citizens who
nave stock or jobs in tn wire mills have
decided that tits much better to inthrust
their savin's to John w. Gates thin to
blow thin in agin tn sthreets iv Cairo
But takin' it by an large twill be a
hard winter fr tn r-rich. Nanny iv thin
Wili nave money enough f'r to return. but
they be much sufferin' among thin. 1
lxpict to have people dhroppin' in here
mex fall with subscription books fr tn
SURVIVORS iv tn Paris exposition. TIL
women down be tn -rollin' mills IL be
SEWN flannels FIR tn distressed miIlyo-
naires. an whin tn childher kick about
Tn food yen say, Hinnissy, Just think
drive an thank Gawd fr what ye have
IN Mayor III open soup kitchens where
IN unforchnit people can come an get
hearty meal an watch tn ticker an
whln tn season grows har-rd yell see
pinched an hungry plutocrats thrampin
TN sthreets with signs r-readin': Give
tn polls IL charge thin an bust in their
stoNepipe hats, tn Prisidint II sind tn
ar-fmy here, a conspiracy II be discover
an volunteers III be called on firm tn
nickel bed houses to protect tn vested
inthrests iv established poverty.
Twill be chanst FIR us to get even,
Hinnissy. I'm goin' to organize tn Re-
turn Nisitin' Nurses Association, COM
posed entirely iv victims iv tn parent
plant. Twill be worth lookin' at to see
into some wretched home down in Pee
rary avenue, grabbin' tn misthress iv
tn house be tn shoulders an maxim
her change her unhealthy silk dhress f'r
ashes to sprinkle on tn fure, breakin' tn
furniture an rollin' tn baby in tn coal
box. What tn r-rich needs is intilligint
attintion. Don't ate that oatmeal. Fry
N nice piece iv r-roun' steak with onions
give tn baby tn bone to play with, an
sind Lucille Ernestine across tn railroad
yen be happy, me good woman oh.
twill be gran. ! won't give anything
y people that come to tn dure. More
harm is done be indiscriminate charity
than amy wan knows, Hinnissy. Half
tn bankers thatll come to ye'er kitchen
mex winter cud find plenty " wurruk TO
do III they really wanted it. Dhrink an
idleness is tn curse iv tn class. If they
come to me I'll sind thin to tn Paris
Survivors Mechanical Relief Associa ton,
an they can go down an set on a cake
iv ice an wait till tn mae in charge
hnds thin job managin' diamond
mine"
Mr.. Hennessy dismissed Mr. Dooley's >
fancy sketch with a grin and remarked:
6These here expositions is a gran thing
fr tn progress iv tn wurruld."
"Ye r-read that in tn pa-apers," said
Mr. Dooley, IAN 1t isn't so. Put it down
fr IN me, Hinnissy. that all expositons
is blind fr tn hotochy-kootchy dance.
They'll be some gr-reat exhibits at tn
Paris fair. TIL man that has machine
that'll turin out three hundred tho4san'
tootnpicks ivry minyit III sind over his
inthrestin' device, they'll be mountains
pickle cas;ors an pants an boots an
shoes an paintin's. They'll be all IN
wcndhers iv modhern science. Ye can
see how skirts ARE made an what gives
life to tn sody fountain. Tn man that
makes tn glue that binds II be wearin'
mere medals thin an officer iv tn Eng
lish ARMY or a cinchry bicycle rider,
an years afther whin ye see a box iv
soap yen think iv tn manufacturer
standin' up before a hundred thousan'
frinzied Fr-rinchmen in tn Boss du Bo-
lorey while tn prisidint iv tn F'r-rinch
places a goold wreath on his fair brow
an says: In tn name iv tn ar-rits an
science. undher tn motto iv our people.
"Libertinity, insanity an frugality,"
crown ye tn champeen soapmaker iV tn
wurruld. (Cheers.) BE ye'er magnificent
invintion ye have dhrawn closer tn ties
Il "a
(frantic applause), which | hope will niv-
e' be washed away. / wish ye much sue
cess as ye climb tn ladder iv fame. TIL
ir vintor is thin dhrawn ar-roun' tn
sthreets iv Paris in n chariot pulled by
eight white horses amid cries iv 'Neev
Higgins 'Abase Castillo ct cethra, fr m
tn populace. An nanny a heart beats
proud in Goshen that night. That's tn
way ye think iv IL, but it happens diff =
rent, Hinnissy. TIL soap king, tn prune
king. an tn porous plaster king fr' m
t. tffrr in q r
this year Tn chances ARE tn Prisi-
dint won't know they're there, an no
wan II speak to thin but cab dnriver.
an he'll say: Th' fare firm tn Chang
All Easy TO tn Roo de Roo is eighteen
tho usan francs. but I'll take ye there fr
what We have in ye're pockets
''Th' millyonaire that goes over there
TO see tn piled-up riches iv tn wurruld
in sausage-makin' II take look ar-round
him an he'll say to tn first polisman
an Won palace is full to tn seams with
chinyware an washtubs, but wild ye be
so kind. mong brav', as to pint out with
ye'er club tn partic'lar house where tn
houris firm tn Sultain's harem dances
SO well without tn aid iv tn human
feet?'' I know how II was whin We had
tn fair here. l had tn best intintlons
in tn wurruld to find out what l ought
10 have larned firm me frind Armour.
how with tn aid iv gawdgiven machinery
ye can make a bedstead; a pianolo,
dozen whiskbrooms, barrel iv sour
mash whisky. suit iv clothes, lamp
chimbly. a wig. can iv gunpowder, a
bah'rl iv nails. a Prisidintial platform,
an "a bur-rdcage out iv what remains iv
tn cow-I was determined to probe into
tn wondhers iv science an / started fair
fr machinery hall. Where did l bring
up. saws We? In tn fr-ront seat iv play
house with me eye glued on a lady iv tn
SuItan's coort, near Brooklyn bridge,
thryin' to twisht out lv hersilf.
mo. Hinnissy. they'll be NANNY things
larned be Americans that goes to Paris,
but they won't be about tn convarsion
Nv boots into food. or vicey varsa, as Ho-
gan says An that's fright. If | wint
over there tits little time I'd be spind-
| in thryin' to discover how tn wondhers
| iv mechanical JANUS are projooced that
makes Hvin' so much more healthy an
oncomfortable But whin | got back To
Paris I'd hire me hack or a dhray
painted r-red, an I'd put me feet out tn
| tinnisf mint ye'er horses head TO rds