Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1900-10-17

ABE MAKES SOME CALLS
AMONG THE ARISTOCRATIC FOLKS
He Buys Dress suit and Tally HO
and Goes Ont in Grand Style.

thihS Vi WV, Soiu w IuC tudb lnc
per thing to do for man of my wealth
and great ability as writer and
speaker was to make some calls, and
even said | could make better speech
than Ignatius Donnelly, but / guess
he was only fooling. But L told him
] would try it on if he would give me
some pointers. He said the first thing
was to get a dress suit; told him I'd
be goldarned if L would wear a dress
for him or anybody else, 1st. that /
wouldn't masquerade in the costume
of jeff. Davis for was not the same
kind of Democrat now that was then;
2nd., that / was not used to wearing a
dress and they were so loose at the
bottom that / might take cold. He
said it was doubtful if 1 would ever
learn anything about society but what
he meant was a gentleman's suit, away
up in G, and if I could go beyond the
prevailing fashion / might establish
style that would take my name. /
told him all right that q was my
favorite key and the one in which /
usually played. So 1 went and
ordered suit and it was dandy and
/ got it on very favorable terms for
me. The contract was that | was not
to pay for it unit. / sold my wheat and
L never expect to raise another kernel
OF wheat i'm this world, and it is quite
likely that some of these fellows that
sell clothing will need in the next
world palm leaf fanmore than wheat.
The coat that / purchased had the
waist cut close up under the arms go
that could eat hearty meal with
out being distressed and made me look
a good deal more like "bloated
bond holder" than before.
The tails reached to my heels and run
to pint but / don't think the
pockets wonld hold more than half a
pint. ~ boughta shirt with the bosom
starched so stiff that after wearing it
half day 1 sold it for bridge plank
and made some money on it. l also
fought one of these newfangled neck
chokers and now know why gentle
men take off their hats to ladies for if
they should try to bow they would be in
danger of breaking their necks.
Well, consulted my manager to
know what more was required. He
said should engage tally-ho and /
said it would be quite expensive as /
suppose it was a private car with
rear platform for the speaker and an
Edisonian cOntrivance to keep tally of
every word spoken. He said 1 was off
again and it was merely two or four
wheeled vehicle that was away up out
of sight. He also said / should have
some cards, so bought four dozen
packs of b. G. r.. & N. cards and paid
the cash for them as they said they
would rather take any old price than
to charge them to me. finally hired
"ho" to pay in wheat, borrowed a
step ladder and made start.
The tally-ho has two seats. one fac.
ing the front and the other the rear.
Those of wealth, beauty and notoriety
sat on the front seat, aud common
folks on the back seat. The air was
salubrious up there and was splendid
for weak lungs. The first place
stopped at called and yelled and rung
the bell. Nobody appeared, SO 1 fired
in a pack of cards and drove on. So it
went on for hours. everybody seemed
to be out camping or down town shop
ping. Finally struck fine mansion
and young lady came to the door
with dress on that dazzled the eyes,
She had satin slippers on her feet and
diamond rings on her fingers and her
hair was fixed up in great rolls that
came down nearly TO her eyes. 1t was
most beautifully arranged and showed
an expansion in front as big as a
bushei basket. l supposed it was some
brother millionaire's daughter, but
learned afterward it was the servant.
She Icould talk English and French
and 1 don't know how many other
languages. She said the lady of the
house was in "Dishabilee' and not at
home. 1 don't see yet how any one
can be in their own house Discount
ing bills" and not be at home. Islung
in two packs of cards for the servant
and one for the mistress and drove on.
think / heard more lies that day
than all the political speakers will tell
during this campaign. No one asked
me to putlout my team and stay all
night or to take off my things and stay
to tea or if l had brought my knitting
work, all of which is customary in the
country. have registered vow that
the next time make calls it win bs
in the country and the further from
the city the better. ABE JONES. :