The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1900-05-20
SMITHS LOST LUNCHEON.
A NEW GUEST ~ A CATCH.AS.CATCH.
can LINCH ROOM.
Encounter with a Man With a Fune raj Hat
Over the Only Vacant Chair-A Pompous
Little Man Overwhelmed by a Flood OF Or
atory-The Record Cheek at the Resta urant.

atoTN Inc RECORD UtSk ~ " WYNN uf"ht.
II was in the catch-as-catch-csn lunch room.
The little man with the round waistcoat that
always goes with pomposity didn't understand
the rules of the place. Therefore he sat and
fumed long and furiously. because nobody
cam to wait on him. Having resorted 10 de-
nunciatory Grafton. he was Informed by the
polite but busy waiter that it was customary
for those who didn't want to starvo TO death
in a land of plenty 20 arise and hustle for them
selves. At first u" man didn't believe this, but
when he observed two gentlemen expertly
balancing plates of sandwiches uyon their
appraised hands Will" they ~Skilfully poured
coffee on the coat tails Of another man who
was blocking their way. no decidedthat it would
be best 10 seek s,Istonance on his own account.
Arising from his chair he marked is place
accurately, next but one 10 the wall in thcser-
ond row from the window, Then he sailed forth
and obtained with the aid of the waiting maid
ems eIndrv alleged edill"s ard a cup of fluid
that oXudnd from an urr marked Tea" II
may b" stated parentheti"ally hat any man
who will drink tea at lunch time l. fl for treason.
stratncem and spoils. While the little man was
collecting these curios a rallid and solemn
individual in a funeral hat descended upon
the chair next but one to the wall in the second
row from the window. It was the only vacant
seat In the vicinity. The newcomer placidly
DEPOSITED his funeral hat in it and went of on
a ~foraginG tour, 1t is the custom Of the place
for patrons TO reserve chairs ny placing their
hats therein Being a freQuenter Of the catch
as-cstch-CGn restaurant he anassed bis lunch
with swiftnpss and was back al the place whence
he started at the very moment when the little
man, laden with cups and saucers and plates
and knives and forks and sandwiches and
sausagrs and hard boiled eggs and oysters fried
in batter and pie and connections of meringue
aud raisin cakes and 'livcrs Of cheese and such
Strawberries as he had contrivrd to keep within
the dish, and assorted crackers arrived. lie
had gone into the thing with the ardor of the
true collector. Poth men started to unload upon
the broad arm of the chair. No sooner had the
somhrr man leaned over to deposit his modest
two-for-Hvc buns and his cup Of coffee than
he was al but 'ransfyed by a fiery glare from
the ewes Of the lttle person
"Tha, is my chair. said that parsonage, puff
ing out hi breast ike an rnraged pigeon.
With a show Of profound interest the other,
stll holding his edihlc-, bent and examined
the eat and arms Of the chair infinitely. Then
pc stretched an abnormal neck and swept the
back of the article of furniture with a compre-
hensivc glance.
What ara YOU doing. sir?" demanded the little
man. viewing his performance with angry dis
trust.
Il am looking for thclabel. replied the sol
emn individual in hollow tones.
Do YOU mean to insult me? How dare YOU.
sir How dare You"
Il don't know. I'm sure. replied the solemn
man In tones of monrnful m"nknes- lSnppoSe
~ my iaNili-h rapkla.-upg. How dare | wharf
How dare yOu-"r-er-er-1Ct that way. sir?"
splutl"red ~" angry Ilti' man.
oh Why Won said this was your chair.
you know, and ! was looking for the label
With several -"parate bangs the other sat
down each article of his burden and turned a
purple face upon his new and nnpromising
Il, that your Init" he hundred pointing
10 the curious headgear on the ,"at Of the chair;
inquired the solemn man with every evidence
of poignant anxiety.
Take II away Take j ny at once, .,o h,,
mlserahiv. undressing the Interested public.
He don't IKE my hat. ] paid 81 for that
hat. II isn't very new I know but is highly
ro.pecto6lr, Is IT the band to which you OBJ
Never mind. sir. Never mind, Take i
away at once from my chair. This Is an out
rage q damnahlr Outrage.
oh, really. you shouldn't, YOU know" pro
tested the other IN hurt tones, And In TINS
home OF, picty and Bible texts too. Consider
ne NNTtN ~ W lHilfil III Nill XII
He pointed In a prophetic way. and the little
mans gaze. following the direction, fell upon
a sign that read strawberry -hortCake. 10
cont The little man began 10 look bewl-
i believe you are a l,yna,ic. " he began. This
man Is crazy, Why j. he allowed TO be at lib
crtv herc' This is an outrage.
Another outrage" said the sad man, even
more sadly than before. Don't you think
you'd better keep count Of them You might
stand about that text II WASN'T the StTd W
berry shortcake one TO which | referred. but
the paper sampler lust above 1t ornamented
that is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
and he that rhleth his spirit than he mat 'ahe'h
Bv a mighty effort the other controlled HIM
self and in a voice Of concentrated wrath de-
manded BY what right do you put your hat
IN my chair"
Of possession. The right Of the householder
The right Of the first settler. Also the right
OF eminent domain, habeas corpus, none.
I ,ba, n harm ana t man T.!' lag is 81 hi ,n ho nupre"' s9~'
ln paused and looked nj hi. opponent to
sns NJ he T Ea'.r Hdd E@y mort Of ,h hs' ,e ,sai' d Htad
had taken away his breath.
There Is the hat, continued his tormentor.
Therefore claim thiN chHir, sent, pshcn'
haunt 'r resort. and tcmporary do;mnictle as my
own, ipsO tactO, in accordance with the Acre.
said decision of the supreme Court as cited
Don't! stop it." shouted the other. Am
| - be talked to death hv a crazy. lawyer. be-
cause INSIST ON my rights This * an out
rage
This is three outraGes, my dear air. I've
kent track. If Won haven't"
Where the ,Grcrlntcnd"n,?. cried he little
~ thing will be allowed in "A respectable place.
VIII somebody tell me whore ! can find him:
He's down at the other end Of the place
polishing M the 'Thou-shalt- not-steal sign.
SAID the solemn man quietly. Don't worry.
hun. 1t wont do you a bit OF good He's deaf
Deaf and dumb" Snorted the other. This
Is another ~ your imrert .nent, Outrageous
Outrage No. ! They have To have a deaf
and dumb superintendent to keep him from
being worried to death hv Cranks, Nothing
personal. my deAr Sir. nothing personal
j am opposed 10 personal violence. sir,
painted the little man Il am opposed to per-
sonal violence
Yes, yes, 4" said the other soothingly, Il
should think Won would be. Very bad for a
man Of your build. Likely To. bring on APO
pleXy, overexertion by a fat-l beg pardon.
n plump person.
For a moment there was A dreadful gurglirR
in the throat Of the little man, II looked as If
he might he going To furnish a Confrmat!o on
OF tho warning n TO apopleXy. When he did
speak again II was with ominous dcliberatinn: |
Sir, rs ! was about to say when you inter-
rlpfrd me for the third time
Outrage the NTH. mIrmured the other.
- ! am opposed TO personal violence, but. |
sir, II YOU do not at once remove your hat |
shall sit on IT.
"Oh. Won wouldn't really do that" protested
the solemn man, for the first time losing his
equanimity and exhibiting symptoms of
horror. II paid 81 for that
Don't tell me what you paid for IT, don't |
care II ii cost a million Take it away. Take