The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1900-05-08
DO0LEY ON SHELDON.


Il see,'' said Mr.. Dooley, that tn
la-ad out III Kansas that thrled to /
.-run paper IKE what tn Lord Wudl
r-run If he had TO live in Topeka has |
thrun up tn job
Sure, l nlver heerd iv him." said
Mr.. hennessy.
Wei, twas this way with him" Mr.. |
Dooley explained. "Ye see, he didn't |
ike tn LOOKS iv tn newspapers. He
got tired iv r-readin how many rows
OF plaits Mrs. Potther Pammer had on
tn las dhress she bought, an wheth-
ed McGovern oughtn't 10 go into tn |
heavyweight class an fight Jeffries,
an he says, says tn la-ad, this is no
right readin' f'r tn pure an passion
less youth iv Kansas he says. Give
me, he says, "a chanst an FL proiooce
tn kind iv organ that'd be got out in
hiven,' he says, price cints a CODY
he says, FIR sale be all newsdealers;
tr advertiser rates consult tn cash
Ter, he says. So man in Topeka
that had newspaper he says, L will
not be behind hand he says, in histin'
Kansas up firm its prisint low and IT.
religious position, he says I don't
know how the inhabitants iv tn place
ye refer to is fixed he says, FIR news
papers, he says, an | never heerd iv
| anybody firm Kansas home-stakin'
there, he says, but if yen attind to tn
circulation iv thin parts he SAYS,
III see that tn paper is properly plac
ed in tn hands iv the vile an wicked
iv this earth, where he says, TIL re-
turns ARE more quick, he says.
We'll, tn la-ad whit at it, an twas
fine paper he made. Hogan was in
here tn other day with copy iv it an
l read 1t. l haven't had such a lithry
threat since | was a Waterman on tn
canal f'r a week with nawthin' to
r-read but tn delinquent tax list an
tn upper half iv weather map
Twas gran TIL editor it seems, Hin
Missy, whit into tn editoryal rooms iv
tn pa-aper an he gathered tn foorce
around him firm their regular Jobs in
tn dhrug stores an says he, 'Gintla-
men, he says, tell me ye-er plans FIR
to ennoble this here Christyan publica-
ton FIR to-day he says. Well, says
the horse REPORTER, 'they's a couple OF
rabbits goin' to sprint around tn
| thrack at tn fair groun's,' he says. I
think 'twud be a good thing f'r rellig-
ion if yed lind me tin that | might
br-reak tn Gin-thralled bookys that
! come down here firm Kansas City Ir
! ~ Shili LII Righteous, lie says. NO.
says the editor, he says, no horse rae
in in this paper he says. IT'S tn
roonation iv tn young, an We cant
beat it, he says. An you, fair-haired
YOUTH he says, what dye do that
makes ye'er color so good an yeer eye
so bright?' T. says tn la-ad, am tn
boy that writes tn fightin dope, he
says. 'They'se couple iv good vans
on at tn Op'ra house tonight, an If
his spikiets don't tin-can It's like find
in money in an OF coat that
'Fightin',' says tn editor, is crool
an onchristyan sport he says. In
sted iv chroniclin tn ruffyanism iv
these misguided wretches that weigh
in at tn ringsida at 125 poun's, al
see in a pa-aper | r-read in barber
shop tn other day that Spikes gone
away back-what's that I'm sayin'?
Niver mind. Dye go down to tn home
iy the Rivrind Aloysius Morinbinch
an interview him on tn question iv
mans cooperation with grace in con-
version. Make a nice chatty article
about it an I'll give We copy iv wan
iv me books L WILL says the la-ad
If he don't swing on me- he says The
editor thin addressed tn staff: 'Gintle
men, he says, I find that tn wurruk
we've been accustomed to doin',, he
says, is calc'lated FIR to desthroy tn
morality an debase tn home life iv
Topeka, not to mintion tn surroundin'
methrolopuses Nv Valencia, Wanamak-
er. Sugar Works, PaXico an Smoke
mo- he says. The newspaper, instead
iv bein' pow'rful agent f'r tn saliva
ton of mankind, has become some
thing that they want to r-read,' he
says. 'Ye can all go home he says.
III stay here an write tn paper me-
silf,' he says. I'm tn best writer ar
round here, anyhow, an I'll give thin
something thatlf. prepare thin for
DEATH he says.
An he did, Hinnissy, he did. Twas
gran paper. They was an article on
sewerage an wan on prayin' f'r rain,
an another on municipal ownership
iv gas-tanks, an wan to show that
they niver was a good mixer owned
be profane man. They was PONIES,
too, nanny iv thin, an fine vans:
TIL Man With tn Shovel TIL Man
With tn Pick The Man With tn
Cash Raygister,' TIL Man With the
Snow Plow,' The Man With tn Bell
Punch, TIL Man With the Skate III
Man With No Kick COMM Fine
POETRY, tn editor askin' who pushed
this here mans forehead back an plan
ed down his chin, who made him wear
clothes that didn't fit him and got him
job raisin' eggplant FIR the monno-
polists in Topeka at a dollar day. A
man in tn editors position ought to
know, but he didn't, SO he ast in tn
PONIES. An tn adverltsin', Hinnissy!
I'd be scandalized FIR to go back readin'
| tn common advertiSin' in tn vile
daily press about mems paintings an
Dcssannyoneknoww bis
cult, an In tn spring a young mans
fancy lightly turns to PocOhontas
plug not made be tn thrusts. TIL
editor left thin sacrilegious advertise
ments t'r his venal comtimp' raries.
His was pious an nice: DO ye'er smok-
in In this wurruld. Tn Christyan
Unity Five-Cint Cigar is made out iv
tn finest grades iv excelsior liver pro-
joocad in Kansas acknowledgements
grass seed, f'r man an beast A
handful of meal in a barrel an little
lie is a curse. Swedenborgian bran
! fried in lyarOCano lypc th' host brpak-