The Savannah morning news., 1900-12-05
QUEER DREAMS OF INVENTORS.
Yet the Dreamers Are Afraid SOME
one VIII steal Their Notions,

NiaN ile trusts Except IN comparative
ly few instances. these gifted members
Of society do not loudly pruclsim the
genius shat IS IN them. They DO not have
%. II is placarded in their whiskeTs IN
the horizontal crcascs 81 their trousers
IN their -ecretive ana confidential manner
their superb oondcsoension, and. above all
in their mysterious inventions. The Patent
ofiiCe becomes either their bosom con-
rdant and nspiration or their deadly enc
my. according 10 the verdict on their new
IDEAS.
Although Morso himself stated tha,
there Is no instance on record % . great
invention completed by one man. the
geniuses refuto his statement in the most
emphatic terms and cite countless num-
bers Of remarkable cases Of rapid inven-
tons. ohieay IA the lino OF perpetual
motion.
y am the man" pervades every SEN
tence they utter BE their invention q new
and useful manner Of shoong flies OF. "A
new and useful coat iail holder. or a cat
and rst scarer q Is bound 70 be OF vital
importance 20 the universe and the un-
speakahle glory OF II am the man who
did IT, brighteus even the musty gloom
OF the Patent Once corridors as the
gehiuses promenade through
Last week was q rather gala week for
the geniuses. for q large bunch Of them
landed together and took the ONCE BY
storm They were what the irrepressihle
clerks designated as moneys"
The FIRST money" looked something like
Uncle sam Re wore a stovepipe broad
br.mmed nat. and a long russy black
clerical coat. he carried a Josiah Pump
kin umbrella. and wore Father Time
beard and saectaoles, lie stood up Va the
once Of the draughstmen's division, and
a AZ "a
sembe d company.
II am just as old as railroad.ng 10 the
United States" he began and stopped for
applause. None came
II am tust az Old" he began once
more, and the assembled company, or
rather a part OF It. acting through neces-
sity as audience nodded approval
And for every year that's 10 my life
there's been some saving done. Want to
know how? Say. come here" and he how
cred his voice is this between our
selvesg An right. sir. then J will tell Sc
al / know. / have made the most re-
uiarkable discovery that has ever been
made IN the United states, sir. have
invented a tobacco qujd protector. sir, by
which tobacco may De kept To- the mouth
without splitting. sir. and by which the
quld may be preserved for any length Of
time without spelling, STR Saves money.
saves health, saves morals" whcreupon
ne produced a large clam-llke box made
OF pine wood lie desired drawing TO BE-
made o. IL and the facts published 10 the
world
But he was nothing 20 the party frFm
Green Bay. Wis, who, before he became
a genius had perhaps been a middie-class
experimenting farmer. lie upioed IN very
quietly and coundeutlaliy took "a chair by
tho center desk, laying his sun-browned
derby with its roller-coaster brim on ton
Of the ink bottles lie then clasped his
hand as Ia meeting.
Il am from BAY City" he started. "and
have made the most remarkable dis-
csveries that have ever been made Ia the
history OF the world" whereupon he be-
gan a lisa OF them. The irst was actually
oow-tau holder % the most phenomenal
device, consisting u regular derrick 20
be constructed on the animals hindquar-
tiers az great expense and trouble. and a
pig iron clasp 10 grip the tail, Apparently
the gentleman had had some bitter eN-
perionce while milking resultant from
switching tails OF the bovine genius. and
he had counted ties 20 get his troubles
relieved. The next discovery on the list
was equally gigantic 10 frame. and CON
sisted Of . clock alarm fashioned with
special references 70 soaring cats out OF
the milk pane, II consisted OF q heavy
iron weight attached 10 a rope made %
fan into a tn p0n placed on q stool BE-
meath the clock. the whole ehlef1y design
cd for DoGso. He wound up his list Of
Inventions with the invartabie perpetual
motion" the hobby. the craxo. the fas-
oinatioa Of al inventors since invenlion
began. and then narrated his history and
al his porsonal Affairs He had bean
something OF an explorer IN his youth,
and had crossed the plains With the Path
hnder OF the West, Fremont Then he had
taken 10 inveuting" after a pastoral ex-
isteuce on a Wisconsin farm.
A clerical individual was the next in
line q Presbyterian minister from Ridh-
mond. He commenced with an "ahem."
and proceeded by gentle degrees 20 un-
fold his plan for the benefaetion OF hu-
manity Il vas a guide to keyhoes!
II am surprised, SIR" remarked the
gentleman az the desk. that you Of all
men should nave invented this" The
minister was perturbed.
We'll" said he, apologetically. 'one
very often hnds. on returning home late
Ia the evening, that the keyhOle is-ah.
extremely"
I'VE understand perfectly" returned the
ONCE force. and the gentleman retired,
blushing.
A stout old gentleman with whiskers
and a wide-brlmmed slouch hat next eaun-
tered in He hailed from the Hoosier
state and apparently was one OF the gods
Of the town hall. and accustomed 10 rapid
firing arguments. With one hand IN his
pocket and the other 20 brandish. while
his whlskors swept the deck he demanded
the drawing OF an s-ineh shell on a two
by-four-inch paper. Nothing else would
satisfy him. aRd he departed in thunder
Gus disgust
one Of the regular visitors is q minis
terial gentleman with mutton chops and
black tie ana a coat that has seen better
days He has a newer and wilder inven-
tion on each visit. ana invariably spreads
the plans on the desk eloquentiy calling
the attention OF the Office. and announcing
gravely and with considerable dramatic
force. a little child can work a."
The once force. feeling its dizziness per-
ceptib.e. squirms and feels foolish. 80 COM
misarating a look for them has the Old
inventor ss he pronounces again with still
more emphasis when they fall 10 compre-
bend: why. a little child can work g."
one Of the most thrilling invent tons.
however. Is the new aad improved ere es-
canes The inventor was q portly indi-
vldual VINO trod as though the nOor we're
rotten ecgs. and Razed suEplciously on all
the clerks lie desired 20 be assured thar
the paten, office wouid not steal his ia
ventlon. aud when 50 assured, accused che
gentlemen Of being llars thieves ana
backRuards Then he proceeded IN melt
ing tones TO relate the tale Of his new
ard Improved IRE escape. II vas an UNI
| hrelfa witch one must adjust beneath his