The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1900-02-19


safer to make hasty move elsewhere.
He suggested that if the house of lords
would consent to wear large numerals
on their manly bOsoms, and if some
publisher would issue a numbered cat
alogue for sixpence, to be sold at all
respectable bOOkstalls. the arrangement
would be a great convenience to the
tourist. / said that if the tourist would
merely take the trouble to study trigo-
ncmetry a little he would have no
trouble
A plain knight wears his chin at a
certain angle, easily ascertainable by
a man who mixes in good society; a
barOnet holds his degrees higher
an earl degrees higher than the baro-
net; duke is again ever so much
more elevated than an earl, and thus
comes our phrase. AS drunk g. G., as
elevated) as a lord" ,My American
friend thanked me cordially for my in
formation, and getting some further in
structions on angles, acute and obtuSe,
he went forth on the streets TO test
his neWly-acquiTed knowledge, all Of
which brings me back to where I start
ed, that the earl Of StobcrOss held his
chin so high in the air that his nose
pointed straight up to the zenith. Cap
tious readers may say, How. then.
explain the matter, / must refer to the
history of the earl. While most of our
dukes ancestors came over with Will
liam the Conqueror, the first earl Of
Stobcross was dropped off on these ISL
ands by Noah as the ark was passing
the peak of SlIiddaw. The archives in
StObcrOss castle inform US that, al
though Noah booked the first earl for
the entire voyage, the ancient mariner
could not put M with the earls pre-
tensions. who insisted on sitting at the
head of the table. while Noah held that
his chair was the captains place. His
lCrdship grumbled so much about the
food, and complained SO bitterly that
there was TO smoking room on the
boat. that Noah was glad TO get rid Of
him, and when the marOoned earl
threatened him for breach of contract
Noah replied that he had his remedy
at the law courts. When the waters
subsidized the earl went down the hill
and seized all The land he could get
his hands Cor feet on, and 50 founded
StObcross manor. Re brought suit
against Noah but the latter had sailed
out of the Jurisdiction of the courts.
The monk who wrote the Stobcross
chronicles ventures a small pun at this
point. spelling the word Jew -risdic-
ton" and explaining thus the anti
semitic attitude Of the StObcrOss fam
iIy Whether the first earl hated the
Jews or not, the. seventeenth earl had a
great liking for them, mortgaged the
manor to them and blew in the money
resulting therefrCm with neatnese 0u1
dispatch Having nothing else TO blow
in. he blew out hiS-well, the coroner s
jury said it was his brains. but those
who knew the seventeenth earl main
tanned that he had none. SO there is an
historical discrepancy somewhere
probably in the ea-ls head
Be that as it may. the Stobcross
family has been poor and mOrtgage1
UP to the hilt ever since but their
pride never lessened in the slightest de-
gree which brings this biographical re-
sumo to the middle Of the week before
last, and TO Archibald. forty-third earl
Of Stobcross. and his only daughter.
the Lady Gwendolen.
Difficult as it would be for US to learn
to love the forty-thiTd earl Of Stob-
cross. even if / were content to veil the
truth and say he was an amiabie man,
which I steadfastly refuse to DO. the
case Of the Lady Gwendolen calls forth
our deepest sympathy. The earl being
poor. the neighboring mobiles would not
look at her but were all over in the
United states with lists of railway
owners and pork milliOnaires In their
pockets. seeking the eligible daughters
thereof. Gwen6olen was not allowed
TO receive the addresses of any Of the
rich tradesmen's sons in the neighbOT-
hood even though the earl's grocery
bills had not been paid for years and
years. Now. if this were a play, in
stead of a plain statement Of actual
fact, I would have the truculent butch
er Of the neighborhoOd demand the
hand Of Gweudolen for his son or the
instant liquidation Of the meat bilI
This would go well on the stage, and ]