Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-05-06
MR.. DOOLEY ON THE
METHODS OF HIGH FINANCE
By II. r. Dunno

| Copyrighted, 1900, by Robert Howard Rus
sell.
Il think said MIR. Dooley, "I'll go
down to tn stock yards an buy Il
| dhrove iv Steel an Wire stock.
Where wud We keep it?" asked the
| unsuspecting Hennessy.
| "Tll put it out on tn vacant lot"
said Mr.. Dooley an lave it grow fat
| by attn oil bur1rd cages an tin cans.
| hey Sc plinty iv wather ar-round here,
an I'd have no throuble about wather-
| in tn stock. I'll milk it hard, an
whin tbs dhry Illsdispose iv it to TIL
widdies an orphans iv tn Sixth ward
that need household pets. Be hivins,
| if they give me half a chanst, I'll be as
gr-reat a fi-nanceer as amy man in
! Wall sthreet.
9TH reason I'm so confident iv tn
value iv Steel an Wire stock, Hinnessy,
is they're goin' to hur-rl tn chairman
| iv tn comfy into JAIL That's what tn
pa-apers calls a ray Nv hope in tn
clouds iv oppression that We covered
| argymint. Snowplows common was
UP two pints this mornin' on tn rumor
that tn prisidint was undher arrest
They was a great bulge in Lobster
preferred caused be tn report that in
stead iv declarin' a dividend iv three
hundred per cent tn comp'ny was pre-
parin' to imprison TIL board iv direc-
tors. We STRONGLY ricommind tn
purchase iv Con and Founder. This
comp'ny is in ixcillint condition since
TIL hangin iv tn comfy on reorgan-
ization.
What's tn la-ad been doin' Hmm
ssy? He's been lettin' his frinds in
on tn groun fure-an dhroppin
thin into tn cellar Ye know CASH
dy, over in tn Fifth, him that was in
tn ligislachure? Well, sir, he was a
great frind iv this man. They met
down in Springfield whin tn la-ad
had something he wanted to get
through that wud protect tn widdies
an orphans iv tn country again
their own avarice, an he must We
handed Cassidy a good argymint, FIR
Cassidy voted FIR tn bill, though
threatened with lynchin' be stock
holders Nv tn rival comply. He came
back here so covered with dimons
that wan night whin he was standin'
on tn rollin' mill dock, tn captain Nv
tn Eliza Brown mistook his shirt
front FIR tn bridge lights an steered
into soap facthry on tn lee or gas
house shore.
"Th' man made sthrong impress
SIGN on Cassidy. Twas: AS me
frind Jawn says or III ask Jawn
about that or I'm goin' downtown
to-day TO find out what Jawn advises.
He used to play dollar on tn horses
or sivin-up f'r tn drinks, but afther
he met Jawn he wanted me to put in
a ticker, an he used to set in here
figurin' with a piece of chalk on how
high Wired go if hoopskirts came in
to fashion again. Give me dhrop
Nv whisky he says, FIR I'm INTERESTED
in Distillers,' he says, an I'd like to
give it shove says. 'How's
gas?' he says. "A little weak to-day
says 1. Twill be stronger, he says.
If it amt, says |, III take out the
meter an connect tn pipe with the
ventilator | might as we'll BURN
tn wind free as buy it, | says.
"a couple Nv weeks ago he see Jawn
an they had long talk about it.
Cassidy says Jawn, we've been good
frind iy mine, he says, an I'd do an
nything in tn wurruld f'r We. no mat
Their what 1t cost ye. he says. II We
need little money to tide over tn
har-rd times till tn legislature meets
again buy he whispered In Cas-
sidy's ear. But he says. don't tell
annywan Ills a good thing. but
want to keep it bottled up he says
Thin Jawn took tn thrain en- be-
gun confidin' his secret TO few select
frinds. He give it to tn conductor on
tn thrain, an tn porther, an tn candy
butcher: he handed 1t to switehman
that got on tn platform at South
Bend. an he stopped off at Detroit long
enough to tell about ii to tn deepo'
polisman. He had sign painted with
tn tip on it anShung il out tn win
dow, an he found man that carried
thrombone in a band goin' over to
Buffalo, an he had him set tn good
thing to music an play it through tn
thrain. Whin he got TO New York he
stopped at tn Waldorf Asrhoria, an
while tn barber was powdhrin' his face
with groun' dimons Jawn toll him to
take til money he was goin' to buy
policy ticket with an set IN on ~