The Intermountain Catholic. (Salt Lake City [Utah] ;) 1899-1920, 1900-07-14
THE RAFFERTY, SENSUS.
Lady of the House Explains DOmesti
Affairs to the Enumeration.
CNew York SUM

! tNeW OTk SUM-
mo, I'm not buyin Dukes today, nor
amy other day" said Mrs. Rafferty, as
she stood with her hand on the door
ready to shut it in the face of the young
man in the hall.
But. madam, I'm not selling books.
| am an agent in the employ of the
| government. I'm the census taker.
( oh you are, are you. Well. III let
/ you know that you won't take any
away from here, bekase we have none.
! So there"
My good woman, I'm afraid you do
/ not understand. About once in every
decade the government sends men ike
| myself around the cOuT try to find out
/ by courteous inquiry at what ratio the
| population has increased since the ldSC
census. and to procure other data nee
essary for preservation in this glorious
republic
"Oh. tbs information you want. what
does il cost? Are you sure you're not
from O'COnnOrs the 'stallment man,
bekase we haven't the bed room set
paid for yet, all on account o. the wit
/ days this month, and Patrick bein
mason and workin' on an outside job,
of course he couldn't work in the rain,
small blame to him, and Jamesey haV-
| in = new pair o. shoes a dollar an q
| half, as | may die where | stand in me
shoes. God save me from my sins, and
! there's the dollar I sDint goin' to Con
ey's Island lasht Sunda' mebbe |
oughtn't to spint it, but the sun was so
bright. glory be, and I had the new
straw hat I'm afther buyin' in David
son street for As cintS with the wax
cherries an IL Arrah, dear men, come
in and sit down. Sure you must be
tired climbin' w the five stairs. Faith,
if you are thirsty ] have the can if you
have the price and L won't be gone
while you'll be Winkin twice.
But, my dear madam, I'M
Don't say q word about it. darlint,
you're temperance. There, Katy. you
scut you, will you come ava from
the windy or I'll lay me heavy hand on
you! Do you want to be making dogs
mate of yourself on the sidewalk below,
gur-rl! On. sir, childer are a sore trial,
so they are. What wild the washin' an
the mendin. the humps, the M slesl
and mebbe if you wouldn't be takin'
beer you'd try d drop O. the craytur.'
Here Mrs. Rafferty, stopped to take
breath which enabled the census taker
to say:
Excuse me. madam, but we are not
getting along very fast. OF course.
everything you have been saying is
very interesting from an autobiograph-
ical and sociological standpoint. A sort
of history of hOw-the- other-half-hves
you understand. But in order to faCil1-
tate the work in which / am engaged.
perhaps it would be better if I should
ask you a few questions. and you
should answer By d simple affirmative
or negative, as the case may be. How
will that suit your
well, ! suppose it's all right. but
divil wan o. us knows what you're
sayin'. Not that I want to hurt your
feelin's, sir. L always says to my little
boys and gur-rls, always be polite. says
I, bekase Doliteness costs nOthin' an
naYtheT man nor woman ever threw
bricks at a man for bein' polite. There's
Casey's boy, Mike. that's goin' to the
high school. You were never introduced
to him. sir! No? Well. you should see
the nignaciOUs way he'd be takin' his
hat off to a Teddy, and him goin down
the street. It's the SOOthern way that
pays the besht. never fear. Twill cap
ture young an old, humbbaCk and
cripple, the lovely and the homeIy,
glory be, Eddicashun is not to be sheer
ed at, as the goose said after she swal-
lowed the red hot horse shoe nail.
Faith. Willie. you sDalDeen, will you
put down that Varnish can? Did We
swally it! Open your mouth. Oh, myl
OH my You little Iarrup, you have
your tongue all painted And the gem
tleman lOOkin' at you. It's hard enough
geJIl0 the OlfJ OH. the OUTSIDE OIL your
skin, but how'll I scrape the dirt off
your insides? Now, 1 suppose you'll
have to swalIy some sandpaper. There.
there-dont cry. See, the gentleman
is givin' you penny.
Whisht YOU. whisht you, whisht you,
my baby,
Don't YOU know that your mother is
right?
Sure the noise that you make would
drive Slattery crazy:
Whisht you, my darlint, and be good
boz.
You'll excuse me, sir, while I'm
rockin' the darIint asleen. The var
nish, is it? Faith he'll forget all about
it again the mOrnin'. Is that you, Mrs.
Murphy? Come in. acushla. Will 1 lind
you the ind of a quarter OF a pound o.
tav? OF course I will. This is my
neighbOr sir. She lives on the floor be-
low. Mary, dear. this is an agent from
the gov ment. He is teIliR' me purity
stories about how to behave. Pm hear
in that Fogarty's daughter ran away
wild Phil Kelly and he only KNOWN her
three weeks lasht Tuesday, Look a,
that now! Sit We down sir Hush. Will
lie, Well! Well did / ever hear the
likes O. that. So they were married in
Jersey, Ell? Wonders will never sthOp,
as the duck said when the hawk flew
awad wild his tail feathers. What Are
you goin'. sir? Well. come in tomorrow
and I'll give you some more informa-
ton. Good day and good luck to YOU