The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1900-12-04
as MY NOSE OUT OF pLUMB9"

"1s MY NOSE OUT OF PLUMB?"
ter of war or any other official and was
at last granted an audience with the
emperor It was in the war Office, and
several cabinet officials were present.
A musket was lying on table, and
Napoleon greeted the agent with:
"Well, sir, what about this bullet
proof vest?"
81 have it here, your majesty" was
the reply as the vest was held up to
view.
"Put it on
with pleasure"
'Now go to the farther end Of the
ROOM
Certainly, your majesty"
"Now, SIR" continued the emperor as
he lifted up the musket, II am going to
fire at your breast. Are you willing to
take the chancesT
"Fire awayr' was the reply.
The emperor fired, and although the
bullet did not penetrate the shield the
force of it knocked Birney head over
heels and put him out Of it for the next
ten minutes. While it was decided that
the vest was not a success, the Ameri-
cans nerve excited such admiration
that he was given handsome present
In cash and graciously dismissed He
seemed to want to say something to
the emperor before he left the room,
but did not have opportunity. Early
the next day, however, he bobbed up at
l. f1e s-.40 +ho
minister.
1T is no use," said that official as he
gave him a minute 1.-The emperor has
decided that he will not buy the vest"
81 knew that yesterday, Of course, ;"
replied Birney 81 am not here about
the vest, but altogether another thing
The fact is do not like Napoleon's
nose, and want to improve it."
Mon Dieu, man, but what do you
sayp exclaimed the minister as he
sprang to his feet.
81 say that the emperor's nose is off
and that can improve it. 1 wanted to
tell him so the other day, but he hus-
tied me out TOO quick. Can you bring
about another interview"
'7The emperor's nose? You say it Is
wrong? You say you can fix it? Man,
what mean your?
81 mean just what say" calmly re-
piled Birney Il am not surgeon, but
several years ago invented little at
tachment to cure badly shaped nose.
1t has been tried in half dozen cases
and proved itself a big success
brought one along with me, not know
ing what | might run up against, and
If you will give the emperor hint
mon Dieu! Mon Dieur' gasped the
minister as he looked at the American
wonder and terror in his eyes.
-Inen you have gone crazyl You are
out of your mind. You know not what
you say"
81 am all right from head to heel, my
dear sir, and l can't understand your
agitation. What's the matter with my
scheme for improving Napoleon's
nosew
The minister rang his bell with nerv-
Gus hand, and a minute later Birney
was out on the sidewalk with a flea In
his ear-that Is, he was told to take
himself off or he would be locked up as
an insane person. 1t was rather set
back for him, and 1t took him day or
two to get over it, but he finally came
up smiling. If the minister would not
help him out, there were other officials
who would. He tried two or three Of
them, with the result that he was
eventually hailed before the chief of
police. That official probably sized him
up correctly for he said to him:
"You do not realize what you are
doing. Don't you understand that you
can be sent to prison for this? You do
not appear to have lost your mind, and
you are no fool, and the best thing you
can do is to get out Of Paris at once"
But what is the crimeY argued
Birney. "All l have done is to say
that l can improve on the emperor's
nose. Can a man be sent to prison In
France for that?"
HE can, sir, as / wish to make you
understand. You must not talk this
way. You have made trouble for your
self, and you had best get away as
soon as possible. SuOulu Iue eLuptTOT
himself hear of your insulting words
you would be sent to some fortress for
five or ten years."
"Shool You don't say! But you
Frenchmen are queer peoplel Well, l
don't want to leave Paris for few
days yet, but I'll keep still about Ma
poleon's nose. had no idea he was so
techy about it. Not another word from
me If that's the way things are"
The chief added another warning,
though he saw the humor of the thing
and smiled behind his mask. Birney
might stay on for few days, but he
must keep that nose attachment of his
in the background and his tongue be-
tween his teeth. He went out Of the
police office meaning to do it. but
scarcely "a hours had passed away
when he accidentally met French
doctor who could speak English fairly
well. Birney was naturally asked why
he had visited Paris, and Of course he
told Of the bullet proof Eegkx. Having