The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1900-10-21
odern Fable of the HomesIck
Soldier and
The Suspicion. Native.

lCopyright. 1900. by Robert Howard Russell,
A lanky L. S. Volunteer Hiker came upon
a little Google hid in a Cocoanut Grove
and Nailed him. He took the splayfooted
Tagalo by the Scruff of the Neck and
famed the air with his Pompadour.
why can't you Behave?' asked the Big
Fellow in Khaki. Don't you think I've
been playing Hide and Seek with you
Sawed-off Brownies about long enough?
Do you think I AFFORD TO run Foot
Races in the Tropics for Sixteen Sixty-Six
per? AS We sit here in the shade OF the
Bim- BAN Tree you look me in the Face and
tell me you Amigo from away
back You have your snow-white
knickies and your spotless Shirt OF Cheese
Cloth. and what with the bluff smile OF
Brotherly Love. you have the Dove OF
Peace put to shame. AT the same time I
am laying Ten Dobe Dollars TO a Dollar in
Money that as soon as release you you
will vamoose to your little old shack and
dig UP a pair of Red Pants. a smokeless
Mauser and a hair-edge Bolo. Then To-
morrow Morning, if one OF the Boys hap
pens TO wander beyond the Outpost to pick
Wild Flowers or Chickens you and about
forty others will be waiting in the Jungle
TO Slice him. AS stand-up Fighter you
are about as Game as a Clay Pigeon. but
as a Lightning Change Artist and all
around Pest you are the Money Why
don't you Let Up? Go and turn in your
Shooting Iron for Thirty Dollars Mex and
then so out next Saturday Night and Blow
the Money like Civilized White Man. II
you'd do that, then Us Fellows could 90
back TO the Snowdrifts and the Buckwheat
Cakes"
II am afraid to tackle your Programme"
replied the Insurrecto. 81 hear that as soon
as you get me Right you are going TO
Americanize me. You have Something
ribbed up for us that you call Benevolent
Assimilation. Perhaps will have to read
all of the Ten-Cent Magazines and be
Jerked by the Trolley Cars and put Crayon
Portraits I'm the Front Room and save
Soap Wrappers TO get Useful Prizes
and buy Tickets for Amateur Shows and
trim the Shade Trees and put in Tele-
phone and run Lawn Mower and save
up for Horse and Buggy and Maintain
a Cup at the Barber Shop and get tied I'D
with the Special Assessment Game and be
sent to the Store to match Dress Goods and
Quarrel with my Neighbors about Christian
Science and sign Petitions and hide Prop
erty from the Assessor and serve on Juries
and wear heavy Black Clothes on Sunday
and have to learn the Names and Records
OF all the Pugilists and Clean House every
Spring"
But you see only the Dark Side of the
Picture" said the Hiker. You seem to
forget that you will have Dollar Excur-
sions. Street Fairs. Shooting the Chutes,
Lyceum Entertainments by Male Quar-
tets and Readers, TO say nothing of the
Jack-Straw Parties. Have you no Social
Aspirations?"
None TO speak Of" replied the Native.
Il am half Savage and half Child. | have
never even sat for Tin-Type in Tent"
Il suppose you never saw Watch Chain
made out OF real hair?' asked the Volun-
teer.
81 never did," replied the Google.
Il can see that you are Unfit for Self
Government" said the Volunteer I'VE
will have TO stay over here a few Years
longer and take care of YOU"
Moral-It is expecting too much OF a Sim
ple-Minded People.