The Advance., 1900-04-05
SMILES.

"Dough- main, guess"
ExEcuTfvE-" + would appoint your man
| but he's too ignorant for the police force"
Heller" Den put him on de school board"
"HAvH you noticed, pa, how often ma says:
! And so on, and SO onT"
"Yes, my son but it never applies to but
| TONS" az ,s.q'l( ) S ,s 81 b ls.
M1sTREss-"I told you half an hour ago to
| turn on the gas in the parlor, Bridget"
I" Bridget Sure am / did, mum don't yez
| smell it? 4E as
Miss DE MUIR" Papa always gives me
book as birthday gift"
Miss De Meanor-s' What fine library you
must have"
CUsToMER-"H Have you felt slippers young
man 2"
New Clerk" Yes, ma'am but haven't for
long time now."
"WHAT is sausage9 9' inquired the sweet
singer. ), ...,.,.o,, -, o,,,.,, ,,,..,o,
I" is a ground. hog" sl,.
WHE-"Pm going to run across the street
just minute to bid Mrs Jones good-by."
Husband" Well, you'll have to hurry. The
| train leaves in three hours
HE-"If thought my health would stand
the climate should have enlisted for service in
the Transvaal. I do love war"
"Why don't you get married"
TRUTH is tough. It will not break like
all day, like football. and it will be round
and full at evening. Oliver Wendell Holmes.
"DoN'T hide your light under 9 bushel,,''
said Uncle Eben, "an' at de same time, don't
go roun' s'posin that you is de whole electric
power-house am dat de town nd be dahk If you
wus ter quit"
HB-"I shall never marry until I meet a wo-
man who is my direct opposite."
-(encouragingly)-" Well, my friend,
there are numbers Of bright, intelligent girls in
the neighborhood."
MISTRESS (greatly scandalized)- Is il posi-
h1a MarU vnn arg kincr hroQA Uifh0ut hQV.
ing washed your hands?"
New Kitchen Girl-"L Lor', what's the differ
ence, mum It's brown bread"
SHE-"O Dom Pauls wife does her own wash
ing"
He-"Well, gracious goodness, Marie, you
can't expect man to fight the British all day
and then go home at night and help hang out
clothesp
"No, Ellen, can't tack down any carpets.
The doctor said all my recreation must consist
of open-air sports"
"An right, William there are three carpets
out on the line which you can beat"
WIFE Ito her husband, who has just, returned
home):- Only think, a man was here this
morning with a writ p
Husband" What did he attach ?''
Wife-"Tbe piano."
Husband-"T Thank goodness %
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY, Frozen Dog-Your
honor, the sheriff's bul-pup has gone and
chawed up the court Bible "
Judge" Well, make the witness kiss the bull
pup, then We can't adjourn court for a
week jest to hunt up new Bible p'-PNcE.
PoPPMJAY-" What did your father say when
he saw me kissing you in the ball last night?
Was he very angry?"
Melissa Ann("Oh, no pa wasn't mad bit.
1t only made him sick, so he told ma."-Boston
Transcript. f.~s.,.
t'TALANA ELANDA SMITH'' and ''Belmontina
Grasspana Modderriva Brownn are names which
have been given to babies in Cape Colony. A
Boer named Troskie has had his son baptised
Emmanuel Kruger Steyn Triomphus-a combi-
nation "sacred and profane. .''-London Star.
"CAN you sing ?" the robin asked,
And the chicken said, " No;"
But asked in turn
If the robin could crow.
So the bird sought tree
And the chicken wall,
And each thought the other
Knew nothing at all.
TEACHER" Tommy where is the North
Pole?'
Tommy Don't know"
Teacher" You don't knowP'
Tommy" Nom. If Peary and Nansen and
all those couldn't find it, how do you expect
me to know where it is ?'-Harvard Lampoon.
HOUSEWIFE" We haven't any cold victuals
nor"
Tramp" Cold victuals? Who asked you for
co. vctuas? 1 want broed steak an fried
eggs, an hot toast am coffee. Cold victuals
The ideap
Housewife" Walk in, please. My daughter
will play and sing for you while Pm getting
them ready"
CLARA" Did the newspapers notice your
papa at the banquet?"
Freddie Yes"
Clara" Well, mamma said she could not see