The daily morning journal and courier., 1900-12-17
QUEER DREAMS OF INVENTORS.
Yet the Dreamers are Afraid Someone Will Steal Their Notions

are richer than the trusts. Except il
 comparatively few instances, thesC
 gifted members of society do not loudly proclaim the genius that is in them
 They do not have to. It is placarded ir
 their whiskers in the horizontal creas-
 es of their trousers, in their secretive
 and confidential manner their supert
 condescension, and, above all, in thell
 Inventions. The patent office becomes
 either their bosom confdant and inspi-
 ration of their deadly enemy, according
 to the verdict of their new ideas.
 Although Morse himself stated that
 there is no instance on record of a
 great invention completed by one man
 the geniuses refute his statement in the
 most emphatic terms, and cite count
 less numbers of remarkable cases of
 rapid inventions, chiefly in the line of
 perpetual motion.
 'I am the man. pervades every sen- tence they utter. Be their invention a new and useful manner of shooting flies off, new and useful cow-tail holder, or a cat and rat scarer, it is bound to be of vital importance to the universe, and the unspeakable glory of q am the man who did 1t" brightens even the musty gloom of the patent of flee corridors as the geniuses prone made through.
 Last week was a rather gala week for the geniuses, for large bunch of them landed together and took the of flee by storm They were what the ir- repressible clerks designate as hon eys."
 The first "honey" looked something like Uncle Sam. He wore stovepnpe broad brimmed hat, and a long, rusty, black clerical coat. He carried a Jo- slah Pumpkin umbrella, and wore a Father Time beard and spectacles He stood up in the office of the draughts- mems division and raising his right arm, addressed the assembled compa- ny:
 T am just as old as railroading in the United States he began and stopped for applause. None came.
 "I am just as old he began once more, and the assembled company, or rather a part of it, acting through ne- cessity as audience, nodded approval.
 And for every year that's in my life there has been some saving done ! Want to know how? Say, come here" and he lowered his voice. 'Is this be- tween ourselves? All right, sir, then I will tell ye all I know. I have made | the most remarkable discovery that has ever been made in the United States, sir I have invented a tobacco quid protector, sir, by which tobacco may be kept in the mouth without | splitting, sir, and by which the quid 1 may be preserved for any length of time without spelling, sir. Saves mon- ey, saves health, saves morals, where upon he produced a large clam-like box made of pine woodf He desired draw ings to be made of it and the facts published to the world.
 1 But he was nothing to the party from Green Bay, Wis, who, before he be- came genius had perhaps been a middle-class experimenting farmer, He tiptoed in very quietly and confi- dentially, took a chair by the center desk, laying his sun Drowned derby with it's roller-coaster brim on top of the ink bottles. He then clasped his hands as in meeting.
 q am from Bay City" he started, land have made the most remarkable discoveries that have ever been made in the history of the world where upon he began a list of them. The first was actually a coW-tail holder of the most phenomenal device, consisting of a regular derrick to be constructed on the animals hindquarters at great ex- pense and trouble, and a pig iron clasp to grip the tail Apparently the gen. tleman had had some bitter experience while milking resultant form switching tails of the bovine genius, and he had counted ties to get his troubles relieved. The next discovery on the list was equally gigantic in frame and consisted of clock alarm fashioned with special reference to soaring cats out of the mlkpans It consisted of a heavy iron weight attached to a rope made to fall into tin pan placed on a stool beneath the clock, the whole chiefly designed for noise. re wound up his list of in- ventions with the invariable perpetual motion,' the hobby, the craze, the fas- cnation of all inventors since invention began, and then narrated his history and all his personal affairs He had been something of an explorer in his youth, and had crossed the plains with the Pathfinder of the West, Fremont. Then he had taken to inventing'' after a pastoral existence on a Wisconsin farm.
 A clerical individual was the next in line, a Presbyterian minister from Richmond. He commenced with an "Ahem,'' and proceeded by gentle de- grees to unfold his plan for the bene- | faction of humanity. It was a guide to | keyholes q am surprised, sir" remarked the at the desk, that you of all men should have invented this' The was perturbed
 Well" said he, apologetically, lone very often finds, on returning home late in the evening, that the keyhole is .ah, extremely-'
 "We understand perfectly" returned the office force, and the gentleman re- tired, blushing.
 A stout old gentleman with whiskers md a wide brimmed slouch hat next sauntered in. He hailed from the Hooser state, and apparently was one )f the gods of the town hall, and &C., to rapid firing arguments. With one hand in his pocket and the other to brandish while his whiskers