The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1900-10-13
THE NUMEROUS RETURN
OF BILL COOPER

BY HAYDEN CARRUTn

lgious man, he was nevertheless IN
variably stout defender OF the church
and things pertaining thereto. He al
ways impressed one with the idea that he
had been In the past a regular attendant
at religious exercises; but he sometimes
greatly weakened his case by intimating
that IL was his present constant prac-
tice. though unfortunately IL was patent
In the sight OF all that he never attend
ed. Another point which might have
been urged against the probability OF his
ever having done so was that he chiefly
recommended the church as the best
place for a man TO learn 10 speak the
truth. but that he showed little of the
church's influence In this direction. But
whatever his earlier habits in this re-
spect may have been he was fond OF re-
lating an anecdote of certain Reverend
Mr.. Spottswood, who had formerly la
bored I'm the town. which ran something
as follows;
There was Reverend Spottswood--best
man that ever lived-never done "a wrong
act In his life. 1 reckon. Take lying, for
instance-well. now, he was down on that.
Never heard him say word In its favor.
Stood right up In the ring-pulpit mean
and preached agin IL. Wouldn't listen
TO a mans lying in his business even, nor
in a boss trade. nor In politics. Hurt
himself with some of his strongest sup
pcrters too, by Il. More than once I've
INK looking sort o. solemn and set
around the mouth. and I'd say to him:
Elder. you give them liars fits again in
your evening discourse, didn't your? Il
calculated 10 lam em little." says he.
But you know II hurts you in the COM
munity.'' says I. 81 know IL, Brother
Bush" says he: II know IL. But can't
help that. I feel that l can always de-
pend on you. at least. to stand by me In
my crushade agin the vice. Brother
Bush" you can that, Elder" says /.
II can't unfortunately say like you. FL
der that I never told a lie-I had the
weakness OF youth--boys will be boys. FL
der-but now see the beauty of truth.
ShakeT' And would press his hand, and
he would pass on and could see that he
was strengthened and encouraged.
The Elder didn't have but one failing,
and that was absent mindedness-the
wuss for that you ever seen. No use my
trying TO tell you how absent-minded he
was-you wouldn't believe me. Come
down town after a spool OF thread for
his wife and probably tote home a garden
rake. or some such contraption. Or mebby
come streaking down ten minutes before
supper time for a pound of round steak
and then, after he'd ordered IL. stand
round the market for half hour wait
ing for the butcher to hang him back up
on the hook. Used to forget and blaze
away at US with the same sermon till we
knowed II by heart. Once he preached a
sermon on the necessity of infant baptism
three times running, and when he opened
. up with u the fourth time / riz up. and
says I. In a kind. gentle way. says I: Ell
der. amt you getting them infants pretty
wet? Hang 'em on the line for today and
give US that warm. drying discourse OF
yourn on future punishment" And he
sorter stopped andspuiled himself. togeth-
or. and says he: THANK you, Brother
Bush. It's my unfortunate absent-mind-
ecress again. How beautiful IL is to see
n member of the congregation willing to
aid the pastorr' And he went on talking
for ten minutes about how we all ought
TO strive to help him. and hold up his
hands, and so forth. and wound up with.
But TO resume" and I'll be hanged II
he didn't turn the pump on them infants
again. and go right on : II nothing had
happened
The Elder was always very much took
Mp with furren missions. and after a new
ew OF his'n went to Africa I'm the mission
airy business he got wuss than ever. The
nevew used 10 write him long letters tell
ing bout the natives around his place,
send their benighted state. and how much
behind the fashions they was on clothes.
and that Kind o thing. and the more the
Elder read the letters the more interest
eder he got. and the more absent-mind-
ed. Seemed after n spell just to have his
mind on them questionable natives and
nothing else. And bout this time he APP
peared TO get a little hard of hearing. and
reckon his sight. which had never been
none too good. mebby went back on him
little. specially when he got his specs
wrong side up as he did mostly. But
he was a good man. the Elder was and
didn't delight In nothing hut doing kind
deeds, even II he did cause the backslid-
Ing OF Bill Cooper.
II was this way about bin Cooper Five
or six years before he had lived here but
he hadn't been back at all dooring the
time. The Elder had labored amongst us
Tor about two years. One day Bill was
going through and dropped off for lit
tie. quiet visit. 10 was evening. and he
heard that fair was being held up at
the church. where the women was run
ming fancy-work tables and ice-cream
layouts. and grab-bags. and other mon
ey-takers; 80 he went right up. fust buy
ing his railroad ticket, paving his hotel
bill. and taking Off one boot and putting
ten-dollar note down under the insoIe
and then tying on the boot with a stout
string running up to his suspenders.
Well. soon's Bill got inside he struck a
whole raft of old friends and went to
shaking hands with 'em kind 20 quiet
Blu was a good Teller. but he was sorter
heshful and timid. specially with the
women. being an old bachelor and never
no hand for soci'ty doings. Then this
night he was more so than usual. not hav-
ing been round for so long. and also be-
Ing some nervous bout that ten-dollar
bill. not feeling that he could afford tc
lose IT, OF course the Elder was on hand
too, and very much interested the fail
being for the furren missions. and he just
that day having got a letter from his
nevew about them dark heathen and
they being anywhere from five to ter
thousand years behind the style in tn,
matter of clothes. The letter had made
him more absent-minded than ever. ant
he was just wandering round trying 4
be sociable. but his mind was on then
cannibulls. Best man in the world. but
keerless. and sot on distant unbelievers.
Well. Bill kept siding. and the Eide
kept wandering. and pretty soon they go
near and somebody says: "Bill. femme I'm.
terduce you to our new pastor" and tow,
him up and says he: ELDER Spottswood
this is Mr.. Cooper" The Elder takes hi
hand. and kinder wrenches his mind orr
the heather. and says he:
"Ah. glad to meet you, Mr.. Hooper
You're a stranger in our little town.
take it?'
NO" says Bill. mot percisely. ! uset
TO live here bout five years ago"
"Ah. indeed" says the Elder. Mus
be very pleasant to get back amongst ole
friends" Then they went on.
In bout ten minutes Bill was at th'