The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1900-05-10
Ingersoll's Letter.

ken from the Centerville Times;
BANK or rue STYx, SHEoL, Nov %.
FRIEND JoHN:-I will endeavor to
write you the letter promised before
leaving New York. Sam Jones inad-
vertently told the truth, for, just as |
myself secretly expected, l am in Ha
des. Came straight through without
stop. am sitting on red-hot cinder
writing this letter on a piece Of
slate gouged from the ceiling with my
trident. A trident, you know, is one of
those funny little pitchforks like Nep
tune used to carry with him at the sea-
side. Everybody has one, and it makes
n fellow feel like he's at populst con
vontion.
When ! was on earth / didn't be-
lieve in hell, for had lectured in Kan
sas and didn't think there could be
two places so much alike. But hadn't
been here half a day till i believed in
it whole lot. 1t is much more genu-
inc aud realistic than | anticipated,
but think I'll like it when | get accli-
mated. Just now my feet are blistered
from walking on hot pavemeuts and |
am dabbling them in the river Styx to
cool them off. l was talking with
Moses II while ago, and he says they
will soon get calloused and I'll be all
hunkadory. He has read my "Mis
takes of Moses, " aud. laughing, admit
ted that he made some when he was
new at the business. Hei is iovial old
fellow and | rather like him. Told me
on the dead Everything is on the
dead" down here that he didn't write
Pentateuch, but that he knows who
did. There are lots of people here aud
strangers arrive daily. But | would
not advise you to come down until fall
or winter; and even then you need not
bring anything but light summer
suit. You won't need an oyercoat or
an umbrella or skates; but you might
bring palm leaf fan. For an "imagi-
nary, mythical, 80 'fguratiye, '"alle-
gorical, " "unorthodox" Hades, this is
about the hottest I ever got in.
But say, | got here just in time to
strike snap. Henry Ward Beecher
had just been retired on account of old
age, and Mephistocles appointed me to
succeed him as boss of the New York
colony, the largest one here. | have a
dandy new trident with cute little
prong, and | have been promised long
red tail and pair of horns next week,
all brand new. Some Of the boys get
outfits at the auction shops on Misery
street and Birthstone alley, but as the
DEVILS itch is ''ketchin" down here now
/ like everything new.
There are ministers here of every de-
nomination, and several camp meetings
are in progress down tho river. Hor-
ace Greeley introduced me to Spurgeon
and Peter Cartright last night and we
had a pleasant little lark together.
They expect Talmage to join them be-
fore long. | have also shaken hands
with Tom Paine and Voltaire and find
them very pleasant gentlemen. Said
they had watched my career for some
time and were expecting me daily.
Ben Franklin called this morning He
is wearing his hair short now and don't
look so much like Queen Lilioukalani
as he used to. I could never tell their
pictures apart.
OF course the trust here is bigger
than a chipmunk. Solomon and Brig.
ham Young have all the women cor.
nered, and the politicians are organic
ing to defeat the present administra-
tion and elect new devil. They " ant
me to make the nomination speech. ]
do not know who will be nominees.
Jay Gould is running well on account
of his money, and Ananias is holding
his own pretty we'll
I wish you could send me the papers.
[ would like to see what is being said
about me. suppose they will print q
lot ofmy old letters and publish enough
pictures of me to start a rogues' gal
lery, and water Drained spiritualists
will commune with my spirit. l wish
the whole pack were down here awhile
thee wouldn't feel so drotted gay. We
need rain the worst hind; crops are al.
most failure. If you ever come down
this way drop in and see me.
But / must close | hear band
coming down Salt Petre avenue playing
"a Hot Time," so / will see what is
going on. Yours, etc,
BOB INGERsoLD.
P. S.--A soda fountain would pay
down here.
1 -------Aa Inn----------