The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1900-05-03
As the Devil Woull Do.

The editor of the Atchison Champion
concluded he would have his paper run
for week as the devil would run it,
and wrote to various prominent men
over the state for their opinions as to
how they thought his Satanic Majesty
would handle the job, Among those
who answered was OK. Gov John p.
st. John, who said;
81 have received yours of the Goth
ult,, asking me to give my opinion as
to how the devil would run a paper, and
in reply hereto / desire to first con-
graduate you ON your excellent iudg-
ment in selecting me to answer that
question, for my familiarity with his
Satanic Majesty enables me to impart
to you lot of information that the or
binary pious man knows but little
about.
The first thing the devil would do
would be to write a salutatory. He
would give it an intense religious tone
lie would shout for sold Glory" aud
scream for liberty, and pitch into the
Mormons, but would not say a word
about the thousands of slaves, and our
government salaried Sultan and his
seventeen wives under the protection
of the American flag on the island of
Sulu, He would openly favor bimet-
allism, and secretly work to put the
government on single gold standard.
lie would talk long aud loud about the
peoples money but place them at the
mercy of the national banks to get it.
He would declare that the Cubans
were and of right ought to be free,
and then refuse them their freedom.
He would denounce fraud and then
send word to the Gamers Of rotten beef
to clean up and get ready to be white
washed. He would stand quietly by,
and without even protest see the or
| gained trusts rob the people of mil
lions annually and call it prosperity.
He would advocate the leyying of a
high tariff tax on the poor mans food
and clothing aud tell him it was pro-
lection. lie would be as quiet us a
graveyard while we were burning ne
groes at the stake, and punching their
eyes out with red hot iron, here in
our own country, but would make his
columns speak in thunder tones in ia
vor of sending our soldiers eight thou
sand miles from home to shoot our
civilization aud Milwaukee beer into
| the Filipinos. In desperate frenzied
effort of a powerful monarchy which
has been a robber and oppressor OF
weak nations, to crush by brute force a
brave people in South Africa, who are
struggling as our forefatbers struggled
four generations ago for tue right OF
self government, the devil would be on
| the side of the monarchy, and gloal
lover the downfall Of the republic. lie
would take his position in his newspa.
per that by the Providence OF God,
Porto Rico was the property of the
| United States, and that her people
were our people, and by this same Di-
vine Providence, and by cry Of 'beney-
client assimilation" and to impress up
on the Porto Ricans the lesson, that
whom the Lord loveth He chastiseth,
| he would put fifteen per cent tariff on
the products of their labor. He would
| indulge in long prayers for temperance
and editorially wink at the Klondike
jointists to close up during the dull
season, but throw their doors wide open
again Just before the veterans next
pay day. He would stand for McKin-
ley and bitterly denounce Bryan, and
finally his Satanic Majesty would make
will, in which he would provide, that
in case OF his death or removal from
the United States his paper should be
turned over to Mark Hanna.
"JoHN p. ST. JOHN"