The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1900-03-25
HANNA'S HOME GUARDS.

This war in Utah is a terrible thing!
The slaughter of unsuspecting islanders
is an every night occurrence. General
c. Otis Whittemore is using his lath
sword in the southern part of the state
with telling effect. Major Grant. his
sword sharpener, is bearing up under
the excitement as well as could be
expected.
Corporal Scipio Africauus Kenner,
loaded to the muzzle with smokeless
powder, is bon4barding every suspicious
looking kopje in the Wasatch range.
Sergeant P. Dit!y Christensen has been
stationed on Black Rock as a sort of
light house from whose revolving turret
danger signals viii flash whenever a
canoeful of invaders is discerled in
the distance.
So long as these warlike precautions
are Observed our glorious republic is
safe. No south sea islanders can cross
the Pacific in a row boat and destroy
our liberties with such eternal vigilance
on the stump.
IF any hostile foe attempts to land
he win be frightened away by Midship-
on a pair Of stills.
Captain Glen Miller has been besieg-
ing the populace wherever he could
overtake a crowd He has been known
10 put hundreds to rout in this cam
paign. In some sections they flee when
ever his approach is heralded. Lieu
tenant Sutherland has been detailed to
Porto Rico to suppress a vulgar clamor
for food, but Lieutenant Ed Merciless
Allison is still chopping off the feet OF
the dead Tagals.
Casualties have been few. but Post
master Thomas continues to needlessly
expose himself outside the trenches. He
wants to lick something, if it's nothing
but a postage stamp
Colonel P. Hanna Lannan is the only
rough rider in the outfit and a general
order has just been issued to use him
as breastworks whenever it becomes
apparent that the old flag Is in irnnni-
nent danger Of being hauled down.
Private Goodwin's gun is a little old
fashioned. it loads az the muzzle and
fires at the bTeech, but there are as
many traitors at one end Of the weapon
as at the other, and so it doesn't mat
te-.
Nor has the navy been idle. Through
the lurid flame Of war the union jack
has been seen flutterlng from the miz-
zen mast Of Expansion Bill that gal
liant cruiser which has sailed on every
sea and Haunted almost every nag. The
schooner ''Dforitz'' rides the wave; the
iron-clad Salisbury has been over
hauled for repairs; the gunbOat
'Rartch" is in the drydock having the
barnacles scraped away; the ''KearTls''
is anchored in the haven of Hope; the
brigantine Hammond" while cruising
among the SuIus, had its rudder shot
away: the Graham" has been injured
by an outside explosion, and the battle
ship Governor cOllided with itself in
a recent exhibition maneuver. The
navy hasn't been idle by any means.
But the war goes ont In spite Of the
fact that the backbone Of the insuTec-
ton has been broken 291 times, the ter
rible war goes on in Utah just the
samei The red CLEAN of battle is leav
ing its reflection on the countenances-
and jawbones-of the long range war
riors. The constant waste Of ammuni-
ton Is no small item Of regret. The
loss Of sleep is even greater than the
loss Of blood. And the campaign wild
ows1 at home praying for the safe re-
turn OF their heroic husbands in the
wee srna' hours CT morning but adds to
the horror Of the slaughter.
Oh. this terrible. terrible war. VIII
Il never endi Will men go on fighting
it for thirty-fve years after peace is
declared, as Colonel George Buncombe
Squires is yet refighting the battle Of
the civil war? II will be a grand day
when our heroes come marching home
from Dixie, General c. Otis Whittemore
at their head. and dripping scalps dang
ling from every belt. There should be
grand reunion OF Jacks, the giant
killers, every year thereafter.