Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1900-09-15

| drug otherwise, for though the cabinet was
/ of oak and strong safe, 1t could not
resist their efforts very long.
1 had the natural impulse that would
nave come to any man to prevent my COM
| rades from destroying themselves, and no
| longer doubted the fatal efficacy of Sec
| ond potion 1t might be possible to restrain
| them for time by means of COMPROMISE
and even small delay might be enough to
| turn the scale, for whatever was the Tifu-
| ence that moved them. it not in the
| nature of mortality that 1t should hold Its
! power undiminished. 1t might be that from
| my own trial l should derive the decisive
| argument against their purpose
l did not believe myself capable of Weld
| ing absolutely to the self-destructive i'm
pulse; and 1t might be that the sight of my
resistance would determine the action of
my companions Thus l gave desire the
name of duty, as If 1t were for their sakes
that / faced the risk; but in the depths of
my heart know that it was the wish, old
as the race, to penetrate the mysteries of
another life.
The hope that I could do it will seem
fantastical TO every who reads these
words, but to my mind in that hour it
was proven truth. For remember this
by all the testimony in the case, this drug
gave pleasure to no bodily sense. except
that Its odor was agreeable, and that could
| be better enjoyed by one who did not taste
! 1t. Before the period Of unconsciousness
| the enects were trivial; after it, they were
m'seraply distressing. There remained only
| the experience in the trance state to &C
count for the extraordinary Fascination
and that experience 1 resolved to test
| Therefore l appealed in the strongest
terms to HOLSTER and Colwin that they
| should give me the chance to know what
| they knew, and then We three, IL such
| should be our choice, would take the final
| step together.
AS 1 spoke it seemed to me that my
| words made little impression upon them
| and i think they yielded through weak
| ness of the will resulting from the drug,
and not to rational persuasion. Whatever
the ,1. motive. they promised to await the re-
suit OF my own trial. Upon that 1 I'M
| locked the cabinet and found, by Hollis
| ters direction, another flask containing the
solution. poured out enough, replaced the
! flask and locked the cabinet.
Colwin's eyes were on me as I put the
| Key into my pocket and l read his purpose
| In his glance. He would have taken the
key as soon as l became helpless I knew
all, to find him dead. HOLSTER, 1 feel
sure, had not the same intent, yet for fear
| that he might yield. 1 hid the Key, dis
| tracing Colwin's attention by a ruse while
doing So He was palpably eager that I
| should drink at once, but to my surprise
| HOLSTER rose suddenly I put the glass
| to my lips and endeavored to restrain me-
He was not quick enough; his hand touched
my arm just too late.
Il am sorry he said. simply. And
| read in his eyes the only sign of friendship
| that he had ever displayed in the years of
! our companionship Had I waited another
moment he would have told me the secret
Seeing that 1 had drunk, he resumed his
| ordinary demeanor. but the change in him
| had started a train of emotion In my own
soul. A Woman'S face came suddenly be-
| fore me with startling distinctness. l saw
| her as she would have looked could she
have known that / was stalking her happi-
| ness and mine upon foolish hazard; that
| for a glimpse at some unnatural and value
| less revelation 1 was ready to forget my
word to her and the most sacred obliga-
| lions of honor.
| HOLSTER was watching me narrowly. His
| peculiar insight, which often revealed to
him the thoughts Of others, though they
| were wholly at variance with the line of his
| own inward experiences. penetrated my
| brain at that moment.
| Il think there is no question that you
will come through this all right" said he,
kindly; but, in view of the hundredth
chance, you may wish to leave written
| message. There may still be time"
He opened the lid of a quaint old desk
| that stood against the wall, and set a
| chair for me before 1t. l hastily took my
| place and found a pen. l was conscious of
a considerable eXaltation of spirit, but prin-
| cipally of deep sincerity that should have
! fitted me to lay my heart in words upon
| the paper. l had the impression Of writing
| rapidly; then suddenly L was interrupted
from a great distance. 1t must have been
the crash of my own body falling forward
on the lid Of the desk.
connected itself presently with me. 1t was
| necessary, but why I did not know or ask,
that 1 should keep this force in action.
felt. indistinctly, the burden Of this mean
inRless task.
voiceless command that had no source
compelled me to perform other labor also
Forces were at work In me and l must
guide them all and be the spring of them.
They worked without purpose and with
weary repetition.
l had no memory Of anything like this
no memory whatever, indeed, until my eyes
that strained to see without desiring to co
80 excited in my brain a sense of famili-
arity In object that moved before me-
1t was HOLSTER, though / did not know
him, or even wonder what he was. When
he spoke, the sound of his voice annoyed
me. without producing any impression of
intelligence, until three words touched the
spring of real consciousness.
This is life" said he.
Then / began to understand. I knew that
1 had labored at these tasks before, and
that something had freed me from them.
L wished to be free again.
The dull mechanics of this process that
he had called life weighed upon me intol-
erably. Ny thought clothed itself In words.
and rang in my brain: why should l do
| this? Why should 1 do this?'
Hollister was speaking again. I could
| not follow him, but his words registered
| themselves upon my mind that l now
perfectly remember them, and at the time
they secured q partial understanding
is,' said he. land you have failed. You
know no more about death than you did be-
| fore, but you know great deal more about
| life. chasm Of complete Inconsistencies
| separates you from all the old impressions
| and prejudices. The habit Of living is
| broken off. All the labor Of living that use
| had taught you to bear is now apparent
You perceive that what you had been taught
| to call the involuntary processes of exist
ence are really performed with effort. You
| see life as mere struggle to live. Is it
worth the labor?'
1 buried my face in my hands, resting
upon the desk, for I had passed my period
| Of dreamless sleep In the place where it had
begun. The weight of my body, even thus
supported, tortured me, being toll without
motive.
hand was laid upon my shoulder and 1
heard a voice say: Where did you put the
key of the cabinet?"
| 1t was Colwin. During my Sleep as 1
afterward learned, he had tried to get the
key and had discovered, despite HOLSTERS
resistance that 1t was not In my pocket.
The words brought the recollection of the
events Immediately preceding my sleep. /
had not previously remembered the drug or
given any real thought to the question of
| how came to be in the state in which I
found myself. I had wished blindly, to be
! rid Of life. Colwins words showed the way
With no thought for him 1 rose and be-
| gan to search for the key. The instinct of