The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1900-03-09

gun an 90 TO tn tr-ront. But tn war
expert he's to subjoo his cravin' f'r
blood. He says to himself: Lave 9TH
ers seek tn luxuries iv life in camp.
ne says. r'r thin tn boat races acrost
the Tugela, tn romp over tn kopje, an
In game Nv Lager, larger, VINO got
tn lager he says. L will stand by
me country he says, Close he says.
n if 1t falls he says, it'll fall on me-
he says. An he buys himsIi a map
made be fortune-teller in a dhream, a
box Nv pencils an a field glass an goes
an looks FIR job as a war expert.
Says tn editor Nv a pa-aper. L don't
know we Ye must be war expert he
says. i am, says tn la-ad. Was We
liver in a war; says tn editor. I've
been in nawthin' else says tn la-ad.
During tn Spanish-Amsrican war
held good job as a dramatic critic
in Dedham, Matsachoosets.' he SAYS.
'Whin tn bullets flew thickest in tn
SoOdan I was spoortin editor iv tn
"Christyan Advocate" - he says. L
passed through tn Franco-Prooshan
war an held me place an whin tn
Turks and ROoshans was at each 9th
ers' threats l used to lay out tn cam
paign ivry day on a checker board he
says. War he says, has no turrors
f'r me- he says. 'Ye're tn man fr tn
money says the editor. An he gets
tn job.
Thin tn war breaks out in earnest.
No matther how NANNY is kilt, amy
thing that happens befure tn war ex-
pert geLs to wurruk is on'y what We
might call preliminary skirmish. He
sets down an bites tn end iv his pen
ell an looks acrost tn sthreet an
xyafrhn,- H. n - -.
tn man gets through he goes to tn win
dow an waits TO see whether tn polls
man that whit into tn saloon is afther
a dhrink or sarvin' a warrant. If he
comes Fright out 'tis a warrant. Thin
he sets back in a chair an figures out
that tn pitchers on tn wall pa-aper
ARE all alike ivry third row. Whin
his mind is thurly tuned up be these
intricate problems he dashes, 20 his
desk an writes what We an / r-read tn
mex day in tn pa-apers.
clarence Pontoon, tn military ex-
pert iv tn London "MOrnin' Dhram."
reviewin' Gin'ral Buffers position on
tn Tugela says: 1T is manifest firm
tn dispatches that Gin'ral Butler has
crost tn Tugela river This we r-read
in spite iv tn cinsor TIL question is
which side he has crost to. On Friday
he was on tn north side in tn mornin'
an on tn south side at night an in
tn river at noon. We heerd nawthin'
Sathurdah mornin'. TIL presumption
is that thev was nawthin' TO hear
Therefore it is aisy to imagine Gin'ral
Butler findin' his position on tn north
side ontenable an his position on tn
south side Onbearable, is transport
in tn inimy between Spitzozone an
Rottenfontein, two immensely sthrong
points. All this demonstrates tn
footility an foolishness iv attimptin
to carry frontal position again large,
well-fed Dutchmen with mud in fr-Tont
iv thin. | cal'clate that it wud re-
quire thirty millyon thurly dauntless
Britons to ixicute such a hanover, tin
Beers ARMED with pop bottles bein'
now considered tn akel iv a brigade
What l wud do if 1 was Butler, an
thank Hiven I'm not, wud be to move
me ARMY in half-an-hour over tn
high but aisily accessible mountains
to tn right iv Crownjoy's forces, an
takin' off me shoes so he cuddent hear
thin squeak, creep up behind tn
Dutch an lam their heads off. Afther
this sthroke 'twud be aisy f'r TO get tn
| forces iv Fr-rinch, Gatacre, MethoOn
an Winston Churchill together some
afternoon, invite tn inimy to a band
concert, surround an massacre thin.
This adrOit move cud be ixicuted If
| Roberts wud on'y make use Nv tn tx
cillint bus sarvice between Mokesmith
/ an Mikesmith 1t is extraordinary
that tn gin'ral on tn groun' has not
seen tn possibilities so apparent az d
/ distance
That's wan kind iv war expert, Hin
Missy. Another kind is wan that gives
it good to tn gOvermint. Says William
McClue, war expert iv tn London
| 'Mornin' Growl,' who's supposed TO be
| check be jowl with Lord Wolseley:
'England's greatness is slippin' away
TIL failure iv tn governing to provide
a well-equipped, thurly pathriotic ar
rmy iv Beers to carry on this war un-
dher tn leadership iv gallant JCobert
is goin' to be our roonation. We ar-re
betrayed be a lazy, effete, side-whis-
kered, goif-plain' govermint that wud
rather lose this fight thin win it be-
cause they ar-Te tired Nv hOldin' Office
What can be said FIR public men so lost
to shame that they spell kopje with g
&C" an ar-re sindin' Englishmen TO tn
ends iv tn wurruld to fight f'r England
Down with thiml'"
"Wel, sir, tbs great thing fr Z
country to have tn likes iv thin ar.
round to direct manoOvers that'd b,
! gatherin' dust on tn shelf If tn gin
rails had their say an to prove to tn
wurruld that tn English ARE no
frivolous, excitable people like Us an
tn Fr-rincb but can take a batin' with
- out losin' their heads"
Sure" said Mr.. Hinnissy, "'tis no
+ thin that does the fightin'. TIL Ia-ad
with tn guns has that job"
Well" says Mr.. Dooley. "they'sl
E two kinds of fightin'. tn exDert
e wants tn ARMY TO get into Pretoria
dead or alive, an tn sojers wants {,
get in alive. I'm no military expert
Hinnissy. I'm too well known. But
have me own opinion iv tn war. AL
G this talk about tn rapid-fire gun an
= modern methods iv warfare makes m
. wondher. They'se not so much dim'
renee between war now an war vhe,
was a kid, as they let on. TIL gul
] mat shoots We best firm a dis-anc
: don't shoot Won so we'll c'Osa .,