Union gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1899-1900, 1900-02-09
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Teacher-Johnny. you may define the
first person. Johnny-Adam.-Brooklyn
Life.
A definition: He-What is iirtationf
She-Attention without intention.-Chi-
cago News
dead men tell no tales" They
don't have to: they leave widows who
can do the talking."-Towu Topics
Anyhow" said a schoolboy of In
| dianapolis the other day, 1.-THE way they
keep changin' things nowadays ! know
more about jogaffy than the jogaffy it.
self"
what Is the sensation Of going up In
; a balloonT asked the reporter. "Pre-
| cisely the opposite to that of coming
down in one." replied the professor. i'm
pressively.
Papa-I think nineteen is altogether
too early for girl to marry. Don't your
Mamma-Well yes; but | remember
the time when didn't. and remember
| the time when you didn't"
A mean man has sent through a post
| office. presided over by woman.
postal card on which was written:
Dear Sam-Here are the details OF
that scandal" The rest was In Greek.
Judge-Have you anything to say be-
fore the court passes sentence2 Pris-
oner-Well. all I've got to say is. hope
you'll consider the extreme youth of
my lawyer. and let me Off easy.-Tit-
Bits.
swell. Drake. I suppose you are saw
ing up to buy your wife Christmas
present" Saving up7 guess not. 1t
takes all can spare to give her to save
up to buy me something."-Philade
phia Bulletin.
Artist-My next picture at the Acad-
emy will be entitled "Driven to Drink"
His friend-Ah. some powerful portray
al of baffled passion. | suppose? Artist
oh, no; It's cab approaching water
trough.-Tit- Bits.
He knew better: Sunday school teach
er-Always tell the truth, my boy.
You're too young to tell lies. New
scholar-Who? Me? Not much! I've
told 'em till was so sore couldn't sit
down.-Towp Topics.
Ibid they give you tipT" asked a
restaurant proprietor of new waiter
who had just served his first custom
ers. "Yes, sorr.". was the reply; '.they
told me had betther go carry a hod."
Portland Oregonian.
Miles-Where is your friend Jaggs
now? Giles-He's gone to the spirit
land. Miles-Indeed! It's strange
never heard of his demise. Giles-Oh.
he isn't dead. He's visiting relatives in
Kentucky.-Chicago News.
where's your bottle Of cough medi-
cine, Josiah p what do you want with
itT "Well. you won't take 1t. and, as it
cost sixty-five ceuts, 1t sha'n't be
wasted; I'm going to polish the piano
with it."-Chicago Record.
In the Philippines: Mrs. Aguinaldo-
Emilio, dear. Mr.. Aguinaldo-Ye love,
what is it? Mrs. Aguinaldo-Can't you
take little George Washington with you
and let him see you move the capital
to-day y?-Baltimore American.
mo. don't think she will ever mar
ry. You see, she insists upon testing
the affection Of every one who proposes
to her. and the test is too severe"
"What is itP' 'She asks him to teach
her mother to ride the bicycle"
"The evidence" said the Judge.
shows that you threw a stone at this
man." Sure" replied Mrs. OeHooli-
han, "an' the looks av the man shows
more than thot, yer honor. 1t shows
thot OF hit him."-Chicago News.
Giles-Statistics show that fewer
men fill drunkards' graves than In for
mer years. Miles-What's the cause
world growing better7 Giles-No; |
guess cremation has something to do
with it.-New York Evening World.
~This," the bold young man whisper
ed, touching her blushing cheek. us the
pink of perfection" And this" his
fair cousin retorted. bringing her hand
against his cheek with ringing slap.
"is the sounding Chicago Trib-
une.
Ethel rummaging in grandma's
drawer)-Oh, grandma. what a curious
key this Isl Grandma-Yes. my dear;
that was your grandfather's latchkey.
"And you keep 1t In memory of old
daysY mo. my dear; old nights."-Ttt-
Bits.
Lady Of the house-Go on away from
here. We have no old clothes, no cold
yictuals, no Hopeless Harry-l
didn't want nothin' to eat nor wear.
jist called to see II you had old auto
mobile to give away.-Indianapolis
Journal.
off Uhof ha fnr
the man they just brought in? Doctor
Stuck his head through pane of glass.
Visitor-How did he look. Doctor-His
face wore an injured expression.-Bal-
timore News.
The Irishman was painting his barn,
and he was hurrying his work with all
his strength and speed. what are you
In such hurry for, MurphyY asked a
spectator. "Sure. l want to get through
before me paint runs out" was the re-
ply.-Utica Observer.
Little Mike (who> has struck a hard
spot in his reading)-Feyther. phowot is
an autopsy? McLubberly (promtly)-
Ar autopsy. Is ut? Sure. tho't phwin
dead man requests dhe docthors to
cut him up. SO thot he can foind out
phwot is dhe matther wild him.-Bazar.
why did you leave your last placer
asked Mrs. Willoughby of the would-be
cook. 81 hoven't left me lasht place."
replied the applicant. Il hoven't had
any lasht place to leave. I've been
worrkin' for meself for six months, an
can recommind meseIf to yez very
oighly."-Harper's Bazar.
Parental Diplomacy.
"But what are your objections to the
young manw asked the mother.