Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1900-02-25
MR.. Do0LEY ON
THE WAR EXPERT.
Copyrighted 1900 by Robert Howard Rus


Copyrighted 1900 by Robert Howard Rus
sell.
Mr.. Dooley was reading the war news
not our war news but war news we are
interested in-when Mr.. Hennessy inter-
rupted him to ask what's war expert?"
man We niver heerd iv befure. If We can
think iv annywan whose face is unfamil-
var to We an we don't raymimber his
name an he's got a job on o paper We
didn't know was published, he's war ex-
pert. IT'S har-rd office to fill. Whin a
war begins tn timptation is sthrong fr
ivry man to grab hold Nv a gun an go to
tn fr-ront. But tn war expert has to
subjoo his cravin' FIR blood He says to
himsilf Lave others seek tn luxries iv
life In camp he says, FIT thin tn boat
races acrost TIL Tugela, tn romp over tn
kopje, an tn game Nv lager. lager who's
got tn laager?' he says. will stand be
me counthry.' he says close he says. If
1t falls ne says, 1t will fall on me- he
says. An he buys himsilf a map made
be fortune teller In dream, a box iv
pencils an field glass an goes an looks
FIR job as war expert. Says tn editor
Nv tn paper: Idon't know we. Ye must
be war expert he says. I am he
says tn la-ad. Was ye iver in a war;
says tn editor. I've been in nawthin'
else says tn la-ad. Durin' the Spanish
American War held good job as a dhra-
amatic critic in Dedham, Massachusetts
he says. 'Whin tn bullets flew thickest
in tn Soodan 1 was spoortin' editor iv tn
Christyan Advocate he says. 4 passed
through tn -Prooshan War an
held me place an whin tn Turks an
Rocshans was at each others Threats I
used to lay out tn campaign ivry day on
checker board he says. War he says,
has no turrors FIR me- he says. 'Ye're tn
man fr tn money says tn editor. An
he gets TIL job
Thin tn war breaks out in earnest.
No mather how many Is kilt anything
that happens befure tn war expert gets
to wurruk Is on'y what we might call a
preliminary skirmish, He set down an
bites tn end of his pencil an looks acrost
TIL sthreet an watches man paintn' a
sign. When tn man gets through he goes
to tn window an waits to see whether
tn poisman that whit into tn saloon is
afther a dhrink or sarviR a warrant. If
he comes fright out It's a warrnt. Thin
he sets back in a chair an figures out that
tn pitchers on tn wall paper ARE all
alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is
thurly tuned up to these intricate prob
lens he dashes to his desk an writes what
you an read tn mex day in tn papers.
Clarence Pontoon tn military expert iv
tn London Mornin' Dhram, reviewn' Gin
raj Buffers position on TIN Tugela says:
1T is manifest firm tn dispatches tellin'
that Ginral Butler has crost tn Tugela
River that Gin'ral Butler has crost tn
Tugela River. This we r-read in spite iv
tn cinsor. TIL question is which side he
has crost to. On Friday he was on tn
north side in tn mornin' an on tn south
side at night an in tn river at noon. We
meered nawthin Sathurdah mornin'.' TIL
presumption Is that they was nawthin' to
hear. Therefore 1t is aisy to imagine Gin
raj Butler findn his position on tn north
side ontentble an his position on TIL south
side onbearable, 10 thransportin his troops
up the river on RATS and is now engagin
tn inimy between Epitzozone an Rot
tenfontein, two imminsely sthrong points
All this demonstrates TIL footility an
fooishness " attimptin to carry frontal
position agains large, well-fed Dutchman
with mud in tn fr-ront iv thin.
81 carclate that it wud require thirty
millyon thurly dauntless Britions to ixicute
such a hanover, tin Beers ARMED with
pop bottles bein now considered tn excl
Nv brigade, What I wud do If I was
Butler, an 1 thank Hivin I'm not, wud be
move me ARMY in half-an-hour over tn
high but aisily accessible mountains to
tn right iv Crownjoy's forces. an takin'
off me shoes so he cudden't hear thin
squeak. creep UP behind tn Dutch an lam
their heads off Afher this stroke 'twud be
aisy FIR to get tn forces Nv Fr-rinch
Gatacre, Methroon an Winton Churchill
togither some afternoon, invite tn inimy
to band concert, surround an massacre
thin. This adroit move cud be ixicuted
If Roberts wud on'y make use iv tn tx
icillint bus sarvice between Hokesmith an
Mikesmith. 1t is extraordinary that tn
ginral on tn groun has not seen tn pos
sibilities so apparent at a distance"
That's wan kind Nv war expert Hin
missy. Another kind is tn wan that gives
1t good to tn COVER mint. Says VIM. Nc
Glue, war expert iv tn London Mornin'
Growl, who's supposed to be cheek be
jowl with Lord Wolseley. 'Englands
greatness is slippin' away. TIL failure iv
tn COVER mint to provide well-equipped,
thruly pathriotic army iv Beers to carry
on this war undher tn leadership iv gall
liant Joobert is goin' to be our roonation.
We ar-re betrayed be lazy, effete, side
whiskered golf-playin cover mint that wud
rather lose this fight thin win it because
they ar-re tired Nv holdin' office. What can
be said FIR public men so lost to shame
that they spell Kopje with a &C. an ARE
sindin' Englshmen to tn ends iv TIL
wurruld to fight FIR England. Down with
thim!
well, sir, It's a gr-reat thing FIR a
country to have tn likes " thin ar-round
to direct manoovers that'd be gatherin'
dust on tn shelf if tn ginrals had their
say an to prove to tn wurruld that tn
English ARE not frivolous, excitable peo-
pie like us an Frinch but can take batin'
without losin' their heads"
"Sure' said Mr.. Hennessy it's not thin
that does tn f1ghtin'. TIL la-ad with tn
gun has that job
Well said Mr. Dooley. "theyse two
kinds Nv fghtin'. TIL experts wants tn
ARMY to get into Pretoria dead or alive
an tn sojers wants to get in alive. I'm
no military expert, Hinnissy I'm too well
known. But l have me own opinyon on tn