The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1900-04-06
SMART SHORT STORIES.


Prof PIayfair, the noted English
mathematician, was present at a dinner
given after the laying OF the foundation
OF the Scottish observatory The COM
mander-in-ehief for Scotland had a pro-
round admiration for the professor, and
rose to propose his health, but could get
no further than the statement: II say,
without the least fear of contradiction,
that Prof. Playfair is a mani repeat
that Prof. Playfair Is a man" The
audience began to laugh, and the irate
commander concluded by asserting:
Prof. Playfair is a man to go to hi
with. The decorous- company was dis
concerted, and considerable curiosity was
shown as to how the learned professor
would acknowledge his health. II thank
the gallant officer" he replied, 'for his
warmth, because there is only one other
instance of an equal devotion to friend
ship, that In which Pylades offered to
accompany his friend Orestes to place
which shall not second time be men,
toned In this assembly"
=
Jay Gould once wanted to build q
short line to a certain place. and found
rivals In the field. To Sylvester T.
Smith he gave imperative orders: "Get
out as big force as possible and COM
plete the road before the other fellows
get wind of it, and We'll head 'em off"
smith reported presently: Mr.. Gould,
we can get all the ties, fishplates. bolts,
nuts and spikes we want, but we can't
get the rails Telegraph to every mill
in the country and pay any price," said
Gould. Il have done so, and there Is no
chance for delivery under twelve
months" Then" said the little wiz
ard, go somewhere and tear up some
thing. We've got to have rails" He in
dicated the road to destroy-a branch or
feeder of the Union Pacific Smith soon
had the old road torn up and the new
one laid down. Then came war Stock
holders of the Union Pacific learned of
the enterprise and hauled Smith to
court to answer for tearing up railroad
that belonged to them. To their ques-
ttoning he admitted all, and had no ex-
cuse but that Jay Gould ordered him to
do it. Who is Jay Gould?" some ask
ed; what has he got to do with it?" Up
rose young lawyer from New York to
inform them that Mr., Gould owned all
the bonds of the Union Pacific road
though not dollar Of It's stock. and
that he was absolute proprietor of the
feeder that Mr.. Smith had torn up
There never was a more surprised and
mystffied lot Of men. They had moth
ing more to say.
Once when City Ticket Agent e. r.
Steinman was employed as ticket clerk
at the Baltimore s. Ohio office on Water
street. says the Pittsburg Post, the Pull
man conductor happened to come to the
window. and Mr.. Stelnman asked: "What
have you got tonight?" "Oh, L have the
Hebrides, said the conductor, meaning
the name Of the sleeping car 81 thought
So" said Steinman, as the conductor left
the window. In a few minutes an aged
farmer, who had been listening to the
conversation, came UP and said: "What
did that fellur say he had?" ''The He
brides" said Steinman. Well" said the
granger. II had the mumps, the measles
and the nuralger, and my horses had
the epizootics, but I'll be kicked If I've
ever before heard of the hebrides. I'll
bet It's something awful, but then you
know the doctors these days are always
1nventipg some outlandish name for a
disease. L wonder If the hebrides is
catching?"
A slip OF the tongue on the part OF
Speaker Henderson created a great laugh
In the house Thursday. The house was
III confusion and disorder the greater part
OF the day, and late In the afternoon
Mr.. Henderson, who had been wearing
himself out with vigorous pounding of
the gavel, in the vain attempt to preserve
order, gave a harder rap than usual, and
tmpressively announced: ''The chair will
be in ORDER During the laughter which
followed the remark Mr.. Henderson cor
rected himself, and added that the NM
hers Of the house would discover that the
chair was in order
This lapsus Iinguae recalled to Mr.. La
cey, Of Iowa, other bulls" which have
been made on the floor by members Of the.
house this session. One of them was PEI
petrated by Mr. Cochran who tainted tn
Republicans with having relished The
Sweet milk which flowed from tie en-
of the writer's in advocacy Of sound mon
ey." Another was made by Mr. Dalzeu,
Of Pennsylvania, who prides himself on
his Scotch-Irish ancestry In discussing
the tariff one day Mr.. Dalzen said: ''Mr.
Speaker, the Wilson tariff bill Is pi!ing uo
in the treasury Of the United States a
deficit which will soon be mountain high