The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1900-04-12
Ne v ME- MIXERS TAKEN
Continued From Fifth Page.
and the protection Of the general public
from contagion in time Of epidemics."

and the protection Of the general public
from contagion in time Of epidemics."
SPEECH TO UNDERWRITERS.
Here Is a prize speech for an under
takers gathering, offered the Eagle for
publication in the report Of the meeting
here:
Gentlemen: HERE'S to the cloth-the
cerecloth. A beer to the bier. Long life
to death. Success to the greatest and
gravest profession of all. Does any one
doubt that? How is it, then, that, while
every enterprise is an undertaking, COM
mon usage has confined the term under
taker' TO one special form of enterprise?
Does not language thus embalm a con-
fession that the undertaking par excel
lence is that which meetly and duly
closes the drama Of life? Call no man
happy till he is dead says. the sage; sus-
pend your verdict, that is, till the pail
falls on the last scene in the tragedy
Accoucheurs and monthly nurses are not
called undertakers save by occasional
grim humor or sarcasm. They are mere
assistants in providing fresh raw ma
terial for the final artist. Solemnizers of
matrimony merely mark an earlier stage
in their productions; physicians but pro-
vide that delicate suspense of postpone
ment which gives the dramatic interest
to the climax. What are good generals
but our jackals? What is the greatest
statesman but a prospective national
funeral? And would that every man was
a great statesman! The three stages of
life are birth, marriage and death. You
can be born, at a pinch, for nothing;
you can be married, and ring witnesses
be it said, you cannot be buried in the
humblest way under a tenner.
$50 I repeat, without fear of contra
diction, success to the grandest occupa-
ton Of all. What does that wish imply?
Is it a prayer for a visit from the
plague? By no means. plaques may at
tack even undertakers; and the sight Of
carloads of subjects hastily and uncer-
moniously shot into a pit does ont mean
the success we desire. Is it an increase
in the birth rate? Gentlemen, / have
seven already. Or in the marriage rate?
Well, that helps US. Small families and
plenty is what we want. An only child is
worth to US seven times one Of seven.
Do we want the death rate increased?
Not that exactly; but we deprecate the
growing fashion of longevity. If the
maximum age was lowered to sixty-five
thert would not be more deaths on the
whole, since no man, alas dies more than
once; but our interests would be greatly
advanced. The very old and the very
young are equally undesirable subjects;
grandpa at eighty compares very favor
ably with papa at forty-ive, and Mabel
at two months is deplorable waste Of
material No; we ask not for more
deaths, but for a nicer discrimination in
dying. We ask also for a higher stand
ard of taste in ceremony and circum-
stances; we want to see hatchment and
catafalque, nausoleum and obsequy, take
the place Of the plumeless hearse, the
solitary coach. the plain shell and the
bare earth, which modern lack Of taste
makes so painfully common"
Loud applause; audience burst spon-
taneously into Down among the dead
men,"