The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-03-28

Better 60 Have Loved and Lost Than
Never to Have Loved at All.


" "
Never to Have Loved at All. b
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l shall never forget the joy with
which | received the news of my ap-
polntment. 1t WAS year after left
the university. Mamma had contract
ed considerable debts To keep me in
St Petersburg. Milasha, my sister,
was growing. and Kolln was In gym
naslum-in fire, mammals pension was
barely enough TO make both ends meet,
and my salary had been looked for
ward TO with Impotence. But, strange
to say, my first feeling as | received
my appointment rs teacher In the fe-
male gymnasium of the city OF N
had nothing TO do with the improve
ment in our economical status which 1t
implied. | remember that feeling so
clearly that 1t seems rs II 1t had all
happened but an hour ago. Maybe 1t
Is because of the occurrence which 1t |
foreshadowed and which was destined
TO leave such deep trace on my life
that | recall it so WILDLY every time
think of It. However that may be,
the first exclamation which l made
mentally rs l received letter an
nounclng my appointment was not.
NOW l shall have about 100 rubles
month"; but, Now l shall teach q
class of beautiful girls and fall in
love-
Do not laugh II you had been
brought up under the same conditions
you would be in similar furry. 1
was what Is called n good boy and new
er left my books. When In ST. Peters
burg. wis ever trembling lest |
should fail to pass my examinations
and thus enuse mother unnecessary ex-
pense and Worry Besides had In.
hcrltcd from my father retiring, stu
dlous nature. and the very thought of
young ladies' would make my heart
beat fast with feeling of diffldcnce
and tlmidity. However | had n vague
conviction that II would have to wear
off and that sooner or later | should
uhave To folioN-tha course Of all young
incn-fGll In love, propose. marry and
become paterfamilias. When | learn
ed about the gymnasium where | was
up of 90 or 30 beauties Why all beau
ties | could not have explained, but
there they were-all young and rosy
checked. all tall and all with bashful
blue eyes.
I, too, grew bashful as | thought OF
them in their brown dresses and black
aprons. They lured me- caresscd my
soul, agitated my heart, threw me into
disquieting ecstnsy which was as
novel TO me rs ii was sweet and pain
full
1t had taken me three hours to dress.
| was to make my first appearance ut
the gymnasium, and my first lesson
was In the highest class, which was
made up of girls of II or 49, No stu
dent preparing for examination ever
trembled rs | did on that morning 1t
was MS If instead OF scholars | was to
face 20 or 30 ruthless examiners, each
with an iucisiye pair of eyes ready TO
pounec upon my poor bashful self
could hear them giggle at my expense,
make jokes about my awkwardness,
my nccktie. my looks.
When | entered the classroom, 1
struck an attitude of exaggerated se-
verify. re prove TO myself that |
was not afraid OF the girls | spoke
ridlculously loud. | almost shouted.
As went on explaining the distinction
between chemistry aud physics
frowncd on my class, looked daggcrs
at the front row and altogether be-
hayed as II | bore them n personal
grudge.
Isn't he sternf' | overheard one girl
whisper to another. \ thrill OF pride
ran through me. You're all right"
said to myself, and. clated with the Inn
preston | had produced, | began to
feel more at ease and to stride up and
down the room with the manner of an
old timer ! was In the seventh heav-
en-. Two girls were talking in the rear
seats.
"Silencep' | Numbered.
There was a suppressed chucklc at
this, and my heart sank within me.
was the most miserable wretch In the
world.
When | got home, | lay down on my
lounge to think over | did not know
what, and as I tried to pass the girls In
review It came over me that | had not
made out single face. could not
say whether they were pretty or home
ly, dark or fair. A blurred Image OF
young ladies in gymnasium uniform
was all | had carried away.
The next time | had a lesson in the
same class called out Mile. Ryshkina.
She had evidently given much time TO
her lesson, but she had II all wrong,
and. strange 10 say. the more she blum
dered the more | liked to hear her re-
cite. II was so charming to hear her
go on with the explanation which she
did not understand herself. You should
have heard Der rattle on about phe-
nomena and laws. To Judge from her
manner one would have thought she
was sure of her ground and felt able
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