The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1900-05-31
Postum Politics.

Paradise hall was packed like a sar-
dine box as Colonel Holdback Thomp-
son made his appearance on the plat
form to deliver an Grafton that had
been ADVERTISED all the week as "an
epicurean flight of n modern Cicero.
Brother Gardner introduced the colo
mel us from Florida and explained that
during the winter he was head waiter
at one of the big hotels, In summer,
when his hotel was closed, he lent his
oratory to the services of his country, |
and upon this occasion had been prom
Used $3 in cash and a linen buster. The |
The colonel sized up as a tall, thin,
anxious looking mon, with an extra
long neck and stately bow, and the
audience was requested in advance not
to break any lamps or smash any win
dows in giving expression to emotion.
After bowling right and left and placing
his ancient plug hat on the floor at his
feet the colonel wiped his brow on an
American flag and suddenly began:
"Citizens of de United States, why
dis turmoil? Why dis excitement?
, Why dis gatherin of men on de street
, co'ners to talk wild bated breff and call
each odder liars an boss thieves an big
OTIS? De answer am at hand. De wheels
of time has rolled around another pres
idenshual campaign, an de sap of poly
ticks am beginnin to rise in mems
} souls. Oar was time, an not so wer-
ny long ago, when yo' had muffin to say
: an muffin to do wild de issues of cam
( paign, but 1t may be in yo'r hands dis
| fall to decide de fate of dis great ma
9 shun. First giganic outburst of APP
palling enthusiasm. Am yo' ready
fur de comm struggle? De campaign
g hain't opened yit, but yo' kin hear de
d tread of de mighty armies as dey gath
t err fur battle. 1t am gwine to be SIGH
struggle as once shook de walls of
9 Rome an made de Tiber run red wild de
blood of ten thousand men. Wild
cheers for the Tiber and for blood !
Dat struggle will call fur patriotism an
sacrifices, an it will end up only when
: Varchew, Truth an Innocence stand tri-
umphant on de battlements of integ-
:, rity. [Yells for Innocence, the colonel,
4 patriotism and all the rest Oar may
Il be some heah who am not used to fol-
v lerin de epicurean flights of oratory.
u an fur deir benefit / will add dat de
g individuality of de ACCESSIBILITY am de
u most calamitous conhagrashun of dis
Il disastrous continuity. Tremendous
= applause, with four panes of glass
J. smashed out of an alley window.
l. "Patriots of glorious republic, dc
gineral situation which we must con
front is one to appai de stoutest heart
As stand heah an gaze ober de barbed
Y wire fence dat separates de present
from de fucher my blood runs cold
- [Shiyers all over the hall. 1t am {
pictur to make me groan in despair
On dis side of lie fence am Innocence
tie clothed in her white robe an peacefully
plantin her cowcumber patch. On d.
az odder side am Vice, dressed up in {
swallertailed coat an holdin a razor il
either hand an thirstin fur de blood O
y nashun. Groans, signs and cheers
all shaken up together Innocenc'
fe am strollin along, unsuspicious of dan
e. ger, while Vice am waitin to glib he
SIGH a swipe wild one of dem razors a
: will leave hea headless corps. [Suc
=, cessive shudders.l Do yo' see d
. parallel? Do yo' perceive de obesit.
of de pomposity? An doyo' remark d
at cQnsanguinity Of de eminent percolos
b. ity? If yo do, it may not be too late
If yo' don't, den may heaven help d
tv reflex of de Jurisprudence. [DeafeninI
,n and long continued applause, durin,
10 which another window was shattered.
81 ar listenin to de east, de norf, d
south and de west, an I'm hearin d
IA tramp, tramp, tramp of millyuns 0
"a men. Oar omes-foatin up to me OF
I'M de eavenin breeze de voices of a.
&C army, an, peerin frew de darkness,
as kin see de ripplin of banners an d
10 wavin of flags. Sensation and col
Dc chills] 1t am not one army alone, bu
lis a dozen. DER feet am shakin cont
res nent as dey march, De sound of del
~ drums am film de ears of nashur
~ De rustic of DER banners Gm like
mighty wind sweepin down a might
mountain to uproot trees which he
W defed de gales of thousand vars
ed Deathlike silence with eyes rolling tC
Ter ward the ceiling. And what doe
desc sights an sounds mean, my fr'ens
lie Dey mean dat de fifteen millyun elet
ay tors of the United States hev gathere
his into regiments an brigades an armie
his to do battle fur principle. 1t near
ad dat right heah on de sIe soaked wild d
,es blood of our fo'fathers dar am gwine
nd be SIGH a battle between Integrity an
ch Dishonor as will make de faces OF me
de turn pale cl'ar to de uttermost parts
i'm de airth. [Gigantic applause.
means dat de multiplicity of de in