The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1900-02-25
MIR. DOOLEY
WAR EXPERT
BY FINLEY p. DUNE.
copyrighted, 1900. by Robert Howard Ru.selll

Mr.. Dooley was reading the war news
mot our war news. but the war news we
are interested in-when Mr. Hennessy in
terrupted him TO ask: "what's-a war ex-
rert?"
"a war expert" said Mr.. Dooley. sis a
man We niver heard iv befure. If We can
think iv annywan whose face is unfamiliar
to We an We don't raymimber his name an
he's got a job on a pa-aper We didn't know
was published. he's a war expert. IT'S a
har-rd office to fill. whin a war begins tn
temptation is sthrong FIR ivry man to grab
hold iv a gun an go TO tn fr-ront. But tn
war expert has to subjoo his cravin' FIR
blood. He says to himsilf: Lave others
seek tn luxuries iv life in camp he says.
FIR thin tn boat races acrost tn Tugela,
TIL romp over tn kopje an tn game Nv
laager-laager, laager, who's got tn laa-
GER? he says. I will stand be me coun-
thry,' he says, Close, he says. If 1t falls
he says, it will fall on me- he says. An
he buys himSilf a map made be fortune
teller in dhream, a box Nv pencils an a
field glass. an goes an looks FIR a job
war expert. Says tn editor Nv tn pa-aper:
i don't know We. Ye must be a war ex-
pert he says. L am says tn la-ad. Was
We liver in a WARP says tn editor. I've
been in nawthin' else, says tn la-ad. Dur
in tn Spanish-American war held good
job as a dramatic critic in Dedham. Mat
sochoosets, he says. 'Whin tn bullets few
thickest in tn Soodan was spo-ortin' edi-
tor iv tn Christyan Advocate he says. I
passed through tn Franco-Prooshan war
an held me place. an whin tn Turks an
Rooshans was at each others threats I
used to lay out tn campaign ivry day on
a checker board he says. War he says.
has no turrors FIR me- he says. 'Ye're tn
man FIR tn money! says tn editor. An
he gets tn job.
"Thin tn war breaks out In earnest. No
mather how many is kilt. anything that
happens befure tn war expert gets TO
wurruk is on'y what we might call pre-
liminary skirmish. He sets down an bites
tn end of his pencil an looks acrost tn
sthreet an watches a man paintin sign.
whin tn man gets through he goes to tn
window an waits to see whether tn polls.
man that whit into tn saloon is afther
dhrink or sarvin' a warrant. If he comes
fright out, tits a warrant. Thin he sits
back in a chair an figures out that tn
pitchers on tn wall pa-aper ARE alike ivry
third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned
up be these intricate problems he dashes
to his desk an writes what you an I read
tn next day in tn pa-apers.
Clarence Pontoon, tn military expert Nv
tn London Mornin' Dhram. reviewin' Gin
raj Buffers position on tn Tugela, says:
1t is manifest firm tn dispatches tellin'
that Gin-raI Butler has crost tn Tugela
river that Gin'ral Butler has crost tn Tu-
gela river. This we r-read in spite iv tn
cinsor. Tn question is which side he has
crost to. On Friday he was on tn north
side in tn mornin', an on tn south side
at night, an in tn river at noon. We
heerd nawthin' Saturday mornin'. Tn
presumtion is that they was nawthin' TO
hear Therefore ii is aisy to imagine
Gin'ral Butler findin' his position on tn
north side ontenable an his position on tn
south side onbearable, is thransportin' his
troops UP tn river on RATS an is now en-
gagin' tn inimy between Spitzozone an
Rottenfontein, two imminsely sthrong
points All this demonstrates tn footility
an foolishness iv attemptin' to carry a
frontal position agains' large. well-fed
Dutchmen with mud in tn fr-ront iv thin.
I calclate that ii wud require thirty mill