The Newberry herald and news. (Newberry, S.C.) 1884-1903, 1900-02-23
T,amps from Various Ouaytcrs.

Tidmps from Various OuartCrs.
The most disgusting object that af-
flicts mankind and casts shadow on
the closing scenes OF the 10Th century,
Is the fellow who comes along with Il
cuff around his neck and button COW
ering one side OF his chest, bearirg the
sublime inscription: 81 have troubles
OF my own; don't mention yours"
Thank goodness the undersigned has
never been guilty Of such malicious
meanness, and 1t is therefore with
clear conscience and considerable COM
fort that he scribblcs down the fact
that he is wearing II big boil on tho
back of his neck with u pair of mumps
thrown in to fill up. We would nov,
however, have the readers OF The Her
aid and News believe that wo arc be-
coming cxtravagant, for We ale fully
aware Of its hurtful affects, and 80 we
are taking,the mumps on the instrument
plan, that Is, we've got 'em on ono side
| and as soon as we pre- able, we expect
to havc them on the other. Now, kind
friend, If you should write us u lcttor
| full Of affection ard sympathy, IL will
be gladly received; but, let US implore
| you not to write n half dozen lines and
forget to put on the postage, for II the
undersigned Is called on to pay postage
on an empty letter, it is very likely, in
4 1, 10 ~f Al,
effect of neutralizing the precious sym
| pathy you wish to convey. Moreover,
don't come telling us what Is good for
the mumps. What We want Is somc-
thing goodfor us, and which will, at
the same time, knock the mumps into
smithcrcens. Our mumps arc OF tho
lightweight kind and q friend came in
the other day and announced his belief
that we didn't have 'cm and tried to
persuade us to test for them by taking
some vinegar In our mouth. We de-
clined the invitation with thanks, pre-
fering to leave our friend In the agony
of his doubt. for 060 years, If he should
happen to be blessed with such long
life, rather than take q. .mouthful OF vim
egar and risk tho chances of taking a
waltz around the room with the lock-
jaw for partner.
1t has been a long time since wo felt
like staying in the house for week At
stretch; and, of course, we had to do
something, SO we thought about every
rnp1I II l. >i,,c
could get hold Of, from Hostcttcrs AL
manac down to Shakespeare. We find
this Is quite pleasant, as we'll rs prof
table, way of passing the time, and so,
while the astronomers are going wild
over the discovery of q new planet,
mo. 49," or Eros, as they have decided
to call It, and are making all kinds Of
calculations as TO It's size and and dis
tance, the undersigned has contented
himself with the very important discov-
cry by the aid of the aforesaid. almanac,
that the present year goes out on the
3lst OF December next. We have fur
thcr computed that the year 1901 will
como In Oh January 1st. Of course it is
impossible to say, with absolute cer-
tainty, whether thero will be any in
tervening days between the two dates
just mentioned, since there Is 80 much
doubt these times, about things that
seem to be far simpler and self evident;
for instance, a fellow Is exposed to the
mumps, couple Of weeks afterwards,
his jaws pain him and he grows a lump
behind ono OF them and friend wants
proof that 1t Is the mumps; another in
stance Is that Of those Goth century fol-
lows, who stoutly insist that eighteen
hundred and ninety-nine years, mako
nineteen complete ccnturicsl In fact
there seems to be but .one little nook
throughout the boundless realms of tho
universe, whore doubt is not allowed
to enter, and that wonderful little spot
is found right between the eyes of tho
candidate-on the inside of his head OF
course. But at Appomatox, most OF
them will get that strong individuality
knocked higher than Ben Franklin'a
kite, and then they will take up their
little oars and launch their little boats
and sail away to the dark, dim shores
Of oblivion from whence they came.
Josh Trump.
Feb. 81, 1900,