Union gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1899-1900, 1900-02-16
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1--WE keep three servant girls" said
Mr.. Newlywed; zone coming. one going.
| and one here."-L!fe.
Mother-Willie, did the grocer tell you
these eggs were fresh? Willie-He
didn't say, but he told me to hurry home
with them.-Town Topics.
Rose-Did you ever faint. Isabel?
Isabel-Only once; and bumped my
head SO hard that l never tried 1t
again.-Indianapolls Journal
Eyes, there wasn't much variety. but
we had three square meals day..
"What did you have" Soda crack
ers."-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
First Tramp-Dese people what COM
plain of dere work bein' too hard make
me tired. Second Tramp-Dey do?
First Tramp-Yes; why don't dey t'row
up de job?-Puck.
"Oh, ma. come up here quick"
whats the matter. Tommy" Bob
by's playin' circus. and he's goin' to
make th' baby dive of tn manteL"-
Indianapolis Journal.
She--Why. they ran up bills with ev-
erybody who would trust them, and
then moved away without paying q
cent. He-I see. Two hearts that beat
as one.-Brooklyn Life.
Clara-Did you notice that 6ne-look-
ing gentleman turn and look back at me
after he had passed? Maude-Yes. Isn't
1t queer how little it takes to turn a
mans head?-ChicagoS News.
"Mr. Smith," said lady at fair.
"won't you please buy this bouquet to
present to the lady you love" That
could not be-" said Mr.. Smith; II have
no sweetheart. I am a married man."
Bridget can't understand the mis-
sus, sur. Won Blumer (sarcastically)-
It's pity, Bridget, that couldn't have
selected wife to suit you. Bridget
Sure, sur, we all make mistakes.-Tid-
Bits.
Home Ties No Drawback: He
Marie, can you tear yourself away from
your loving fathers roof, and go with
me? She-Mercy-yes; this isn't his
AoOAs VIC iS just IcutSfs.-OSlAoAs HAS9
Press.
Mrs. Golde Nugget cannot see any
callers to-day, Nannette. Nannette (five
minutes later to caller)-Mons.eur. hat
re plaisure to inform you zat madame Is
blind to-day. = Philadelphia North
American.
'Most of these variety dancers" said
%ho cha ola h~o rda ,fch a q total
wrecks" "Of course" said the Cheer
full Idiot, "their stage life is usually
succession of break-downs. ."-Indianap
oils Journal.
Flour of sulphur sprinkled on hot
shovel, and the fumes inhaled while
they are fresh, Is recommended for
cold in the head; but Fogg afiirms that
he will die before he will snuff up burn
ing birthstone. 1t is not unlikely.
"Can you forgive me and love me
STILL" said the newly made bride.
when confess that my teeth are arti-
ficial?' THANK heaven!' cried the
groom, as he snatched of his wig;
now can cool my. head. ."-Tit-Bits.
juvenile Logic: Boy-You are going
to fight against the English, aren't you.
Capt. Brown? Capt. Brown Indignant
ly)-Fight the English! What on earth
put that into your head? Boy-Why.
daddy said you were a horrid Boer!-
Punch.
Still Harder Worker: Mr.. Close Sr.-
What! more money? You seem to think
that dollars are picked up In the street.
/ want you to understand that had to
work hard for every cent I've got. His
Son-Yes; and have to work hard for
every cent get.-Life.
A rude suggestion: Great actress
That's an atrocious portrait! Is that the
best you can do? Is there no way you
can improve upon it? Suggest some
thing. Observation-Disclosures. you
might permit your understudy to sit for
you.-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
"Lishen to reason, m DEAR" he ex-
plained, ''lishen to reason. wash-hic
held up on m'-hic-way home"
"Held upr' she angrily exclaimed; *
don't doubt it! If you hadn't been held
up or carried you wouldn't be here even
Chicago Times Herald.
Old Surliboy-Hullo. fellow! What
are you doing here? Rustic-Only court
in, sir. Use courtin' Mary. Old Surli-
boy-Nonsensei What do you want a
lantern for? Do you think used one
when l was young man? Rustic
No, sir; don't think as yer did, judgin'
by t missisLLondon Fun.
Scene on Boston electric car: Per-
sonae-Small boy. portly lady. Small
boy (partially soto voce)-Geel that
woman must have swallowed a yeast
cake. Portly lady (overhearing)-Yes,
my boy, and If your mother had taken
yeast-cake you would have been
better bred.-Boston Transcript.
"Lobelia," demanded Mr.. McSwat.
as he stood, hat in hand waiting for
her, "are you going out walking with
that bicycling dress on?" "This is my
rainy day skirt" replied Mrs. McSwat,
"and certainly am going out walking
in it." "Then wait minute" he said.
'and will turn up my trousers."-Chi-
cago Tribune.
II am glad there are a few honest
people left. Two years ago sent q
boy around the corner to buy q postal
card. have never seen the boy to this
day" "You don't call that boy hon.
est?" eyes. siri This morning l re-
ceived postal with this on the back:
Dear Sir: Here is your postal. started
in business with the penny you gave
me. and have prospered. Thanks.p"-
Chicago News.