The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1900-01-06
lightning Rod Man
on Etiquette,

MY deer Mr. Editur: sum OV your
correspondents. Mr.. Epicure & others.
hav askt me . Civ them, in a konsise
form, a few rools In label manners.
Az timez and kustoms are konstantly
changing 1t IL extremely hard 2 keep
up with the prosesshun, 80 9 speak.
Were l . Civ thoze ov 9 day fashua
mite dekree sumthing else ere theze
rools bust 4th in awl there glory ov
cold. kamm type a. my efferts wood
so nawt. Thay wood be obsoleet, az
1t were, or quite Rio Janeero nz the
French say; there I due the best
kan under xistinE circumstances 4
Civ few witch are awlways good.
When usherd in 3 the dining room
you shood walk aimlessly around the
room gazing at the pictures on the
| wall az tho you had nothing on your
mind but littel scatterd hare. After
you think that you hav avoided awl
suspishun Ov eny premeditated AK
shun slip gracefully in the chare
next the host. This IL not onley a po-
sition ov onner. but it awlso Gums ham
dy if you want be helpt 8 or 4 times
| without disturbing the other guests.
Should sum l else ndeavor 9 seizure
-
by the aid of the u Nelson or strangel
holt. but use diplomacy; cawl hiz at
tenshun a piece ov bricky brack or
a picture & while explaining the bewties
ov abOv menshund artikle edge slowly
ward the goal. y lit,el practice will
make you so profishent that Pinkerton
himself woodnt suspishun your inten-
shuns. Should the waiter stumbel g.
| spill your soop down the back Ov your
| neck don't speak . him about it be-
caws sosiety folks don't konvers with
hired help. However, If you are demo-
kratick in your ways you shood count
| at lcest - be 4 you say enything. but
| the best way to rcproove him liz say
| nuthing & cut him ded when you meat
| him on the street. This awlso givs tho
assembled guests the idea that you
onley ware shadbelly cote once -
| then throw it away this adds 9 your
prestidge.
While menny peepil use napkins II liz
better let sleeping dogs lie on the
label, so . speck, & not spred it ore
your rite nee. Shood you ware it on
| your nee it IL awlmost impossabel .
| avoid susp!shun ov dceling from the
| bottom & when your hostess liz re-
turning the napkins the nabors & liz
y dozen shy the terribel finger ov
suspishun liz pointed in awl direx-
suns but yours. Thus you not onle-
| avoid suspishun. but ern the everlas.-
ing gratitood ov your hostess who don't
hav lawndry the napkin ere it's re.
| turn it's ritefull owner.
Tho the kontents ov the finger bowl
| looks tempting, with a lemon peal on
| its duivvering bouzum. the desire >
| drink 1t shood be stifeld. While the
habit liz not ntirely obso,eet it liz now
| generally tabood by the best elements.
Tiz best leeve the label hungry
rather than to be helpt or ate times.
| l once herd ov man whom the host :
ess coaXed. wheedeld g. kajoled-neigh,
insisted shood be helpt 4th time, &:
after he had taken hiz departure made
| fun ov me and told the nabors l waZ 4
| hogg. Thus we see that awl that gilt
| ters liz not gold by damsite.
| When the Goldfish bawls are served
stab the reptile gently yet firmly, be-
hind the ears with a fork; shood he
squeal a swift stroke, with the but ov
the knife. between the ize, will end hiz
mizerabel xistents e. you can heeve a
sigh of releef. or more. if necessary.
You need feel no kompunction IN
| Staying the broOt, a more tretcherus
| animel never lived or died. Its STING
IL az pOizenus az that ov the butter
fly & az Longfellow haz so aptly sed
Its a poor mule that don't kick both
ways" l repeet, you need feel nc
regret at hiz untimely end, he WOO 4
hav dun az mutch you h. d the tabels
bin visey versa. French fraZe meen-
ing end end).
If you find a horseshoe male konseal]
in the hash it liz a good luck sne--good
luck that it got no further, the
horseshoe & the vermlfuge appendix
are dedly enemys & seldum pass each
other without trubble. But abuv awl
things don't brag aboWt your good
| luck, at the label. You can swell up
| like toad, If you want ., a littel; pat
| yourself on the back & even order a
few bokay.; sent your residents anon
| imusly In disguiZed hand riting &
tisshue paper. but don't. prithee don't
| bra@ abowt it at the tabel az it haz d
tcndancy make the other guests jel-
lus a. the hostess mbarrest. Even tho
| your wife or sweetheart liz making a
| kolleXshun Of soovineer spunes it IL
well not take menny. In case thay
serch the guests ere there hegira you
mite regret your having came.
A. Kidder.