The aegis & intelligencer., 1900-10-19
THE WASTED
EPITAPH.

6xo*0*o*o*e*o*e* o* *e*oxo*o#o*0*S
The cabriolet drew up near Richmond
park. DR.. Kittery, compiler Of the ia
nous Latin dictionary, and his second,
Mr.. Bodmin, stepped out and made their
way to the open space Of greensward
among the trees where the duel was to
take place. The sun had scarcely risen
yet. and Mr.. Bodmin thought with pro-
found grief that it was only yesterday
that the great dictionary had been fin
ished and only last night that the doctor
had held levee Of his admirers in the
Green Lion coffee house to celebrate the
event Unfortunately Sir Edward Browne,
being the worse for wine, had ventured
to dispute with the doctor as to the mean
ing Of "zythus."
"a malt liquor used by the Egyptians"
said the doctor as one with authority.
"a concoction made from crocodiles'
tears and lotus leaves" persisted Sir Ed
ward viciously.
"Sir, you are impertinent," said tho
doctor. sit is a malt liquor such as you
yourself would do well to cultivate in
place Of the more heady Falernian."
The doctor had accepted the invitation
to a duel with his customary equanimity.
He did not know one end Of the pistol
from another, and Mr.. Bodmin was over
come with double fear, being convinced,
first, that the doctor would be shot down
like a sheep by his antagonist, a noted
duelist; secondly, that in his great con-
Germ to finish the composition of an epi-
taph which had already thrown him into
a brown study the doctor would either
forget to pull his trigger at all or else
shoot one Of the seconds.
"Have you finished the epitaph?" he
asked anxiously.
"No, sir, have not"
''But you have effected something"
urged Mr.. Bodmin, knowing that there
was no chance of the doctor attending to
his pistol while the epitaph remained un-
finished.
'If I had effected nothing" said the
doctor, 81 should be a fool"
'Pray. let me hear what you have
composed" said Mr. Bodmin apologetic-
ally;
said the doctor severely, "but it is my in
tention to recite the lines to you in order
that you may record them in your note
DOOk. lney are 10 InlS effect.
Stranger, here Kittery nes-observe his fall
Slain by the reeking tubes unerrins ball"
Admirable" murmured Mr.. Bodmin.
""The reeking tubes unerring ball'-ex-
cellent.'' s-ss nt5"
"The phrase, no doubt, has a classic
ring" said the doctor, gratifed, 'but an
epitaph should be essentially commem-
orative. This only commentaries my
ments are neglected"
"They speak for themselves" said Mr..
Bodmin "You could not improve on
your present lines"
POSSIBLY I may be permitted, sir, to
consider myself as great an authority on
the subject of epitaphs as you," said the
doctor. misliking this laudation.
Certainly, certainly" said Mr.. Bod
min in haste.
Every well, sir. I maintain that the
epitaph is not complete. cit will be my
endeavor to remedy it during the five
minutes of existence that still remain to
me-"
Mr.. Bodmin clasped his hands in de-
spair. Here they were already on the
ground and Sir Edward Brownies second
already at him to measure out the PAGES
and load the pistols.
cdr. Kittery will not agree to Sir Ed
wards version of zythus? inquired this
| gentleman.
,"No, sir" said Mr.. Bodmin sadly.
"Dr. Kittery is not in the habit of agree
| ing to anything that mislikes him"
"Nor Sir Edward"
''Then the affair must proceed?" said
Mr.. Bodmin.
Undoubtedly"
Meanwhile the doctor moved up and
down abstractedly, shifting his spectacles
as an idea came or escaped him.
81 shall be compelled" he murmured.
''to alter both lines. Here, in this urn
| (an invaluable Romanism), proud stran-
| ger, Kittery.' No, that violates the rule
that substantives must be separated"
"'Proud stranger" Eh, what?"
| Mr.. Bodmin, paler than before, had
come up and was pressing pistol into
his hand. "It's loaded" he said as he
led the doctor to his position.
The doctor took it absently, murmur-
ing to himself, "Here is this urn"
"You will not, I beseech you, forget to
pull the trigger when Sir Edwards Sec
ond drops his kerchiefP' said Mr.. Bod.
| min.
Eyes, yes" said the doctor, impatient
Of interruption. Here in this urn the
bones of Kittery"-.
"If." went on Mr.. Bodmin, greatly
daring, "you will but keep your pistol
straight at st. Edward, you may by
| chance hit him."
"If you will but oblige me-" said the
doctor, "by ceasing to chatter, l have
| the epitaph ON the tip Of my tongue"
Gentlemen" announced the other sec
ond, 'I shall ask you if you are ready? ?
| Count three and drop my handkerchief.
II either reserve his fire, he shall fall by
sRemember," said Mr.. Bodmin misera-
bly,, slowly tearing himself away.
Here in this urn the bones of Kittery
bide," returned the doctor. "For words
he lived"
"Are you ready, gentlemen? One
"And for a word"- continued the doc
| tor.
1.-TWO! Threer'
"He died." said the doctor, half turn
ing to Mr.. Bodmin.
At the same moment the kerchief fell,
| and two pistols rang out in unison. Mr..
| Bodmin, shrinking into himself with hor-
TOR, saw the doctors hat reyolye sudden
| ly on his head. Sir Edward threw up his
hands and fell forward.
you've hit him.! creld Mr. boomn
triumphantly.
'.Hit whom?" said the doctor, surpris-
| ed. "Sir Edward? Impossible!"
."But, assure you, it is true" said Mr..
Bodmin, and indeed it was beyond doubt
the case.
eff had only contemplated this" said
the doctor thoughtfully, 81 should have
completed very good epitaph for him
However, in either case the last half OF
the second line would be suitable"
"BY good fortune" said Mr.. Bodmin,
che ~ only wounded in the leg"
"S'death!" said DR.. Kittery indignant.
| ~. SIN that event the entire compost
| ton is wasted"-Chicago Herald.
sankey and "Ninety and Nine."
| This Is the story of the famous hymn
L . oDd ~ told hv Mr. Gan