Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1900-07-21
A STUDENT OF PARADOXES

He shambled into the city room at the
hour when the paper was about ready to
make its appearance upon the street. AL
though the thermometer registered 90 de-
grees and he was arrayed in seedy,
warm-looking, all-black suit, with frock
coat, he looked COOL calm and collected. He
got line on the emergency reporter, who
was reposing his $3.50 tan shoes on table
and engaged in plugging the hole in the
bottom of a corncob pipe with piece of
copy paper, and he made for him.
Sir said he to the emergency reporter,
in a sepulchral voice, ARE you the editor
and proprietor of this sheet?''
Yes" said the emergency reporter with
out looking up Il am
Then sir, as the editor and proprietor
of this sheet, you are doubtless qualified to
furnish me with little Information, sup
poser said the man with the sepulchral
voice.
That's my particular graft, informing
said the emergency reporter, stealthily alb
stracting the bag of tobacco from another
reporters desk and filling his corncob pipe
Moreover. l like it. It's your move.''
Perhaps l had better preface my re-
marks said the cool-looking man in the
warm-looking all-black suit. by stating
that 1 am student of paradoxes. a hum
Bile investigator in the field Of contradic-
tons. Wherefore. 1 beg to inquire, Is it
true. as 1 have often heard that the writer
of the religious notes for newspapers is
generally man who stays up three parts
OF seven nights week playing pinochle for
the drinks in the rear room of a gin mill?"
Alas" said the emergency reporter.
heaving deep sigh, Il fear you do but
half express the matter. Most writer's of
the religious notes for newspapers do the
bulk of their work while confined in JAIL
whittier they are sentenced for vagrancy. or
while suffering the rigors of the delirium
tremens wards in hospitals. Ask me some
more
hot
fording me the enlightenment l am seek
ing, said the man with the sarcophagus
voice, resting his hat on the table and lean
ing on the other leg. rs it also true, as
the horse and base ball editors of news
papers are. as a rule, Christian men who
attend fervently to their church duties and
devote all of the time not spent in the
arduous pursuit Of their degrading specially
to charity and the performance Of good
works?"
Il regret to say, SIR" said the emer-
gency reporter, throwing a burning match
into the waste-paper basket at his side
that l cannot speak in that respect for
the entire press of the United States, hav-
Ing been employed by but 1.315 in the pas:
four years. OF those LBS, however, eighty
editors either sang in the choir, taught
Sunday school, or held actual positions III
the pulpit"
'Ah. we are getting on said the man
"io was lHc Sluuy OIL
rs it the fact that the lady editor who
writes the articles for newspapers on the
subject OF dress reform, and on general hy-
gienic matters for the benefit of her sex
herself wears French heels three and one
quarter inches in height. drinks chocolate
Ice cream soda all day, laces herself to the
proportions of an hour glass. and In gen.
eral lives in total disregard of tho hygienic
principles she so warmly advocateS?'
Il decline to incriminate myself" said
the emergency reporter swapping a rubber
bard at a roach that crawled over his desk
Il write all that stuff myself"
Ali! said the man with the hollow voice.
''Of course. l could not with propriety ex-
pect You to inform me upon matters per-
sonal to yourself. Tell me, then, If you
please, II 1t be true that all OF the men
who write funny stories for newspapers
have deep. dark tragedies in their lives,
and that their countenances are invariably
expressive of naught but the profoundest
gloom?"
Gency reporter picking a hunk of gum two
inches in diameter from beneath his desk
and beginning to masticate 1t. THE men
who write the screechingliest funny stuff
are usually so filled with ineffable, unut-
terable. unspeakabe inexpressible sadness
and sorrow that their employers blame
them not If they frequently endeavor to
seek surceaSe of woe and to aSsuage their
misery in the bowl"
'Ha." commented the man with the cav
ernous organ. lit seems, then. that 1 have
not been misinformed in these matters To
penetrate a little farther then into the
mysteries Of your fascinating craft Is 1t
also true that the editors whose business 1t
Is to write the obituaries of great and ia
nous men and women in anticipation of
the deaths of the same-is 1t true that these
editors are. for the most part men of
bright, winsome spirits. who walk the world
with ready laugh always on their lips
and who are perpetually passing merry.
jovial Quips among their associates?"
'Well' said the
turning his doub,e-ended cuffs, "a sufficient
answer to that Is the fact that our own
obituary editor is at this very moment con-
fined in a hospital, suffering from acute
hysteria, brought on by his immoderate
laughter over his own jokes"
'Ha, we seem to be getting on" said the
man with the all-black clothes. picking up
his hat and preparing to edge away There
Is yet another question which 1 would like
to PROFOUND to you did 1 not fear that its
levity might disturb the serenity which
you appear to possess in such great meas
ure.''
you can't get 'em over any too swift
for me-" said the emergency reporter, as
he drew pictures with a pencil on the nice
clean blotter of his absent deskmate Come
right along.
VERY well. SIR said the visitor, back
ing toward the door, with that assurance
1 will take the liberty of submitting this
question to you. feeling certain that with
your quite obvious capacity you will have
no difficulty in answer"
'Well?" said the emergency reporter q
little impatiently. for 1t was within one
minute of his time for quitting and he
trembled In fear that the city editor might
spring another assignment on him before
he could get out of the building.
THE question" said the man with the
sepulchral voice. who by this time had
backed to the door, rs this: When Is a
hen?"
Then he Ned down the long hall with a
wild shrek of demonaic laughter. and the
emergency reporter, in awaking from his
doze. almost fell off his chair. to find the
editor. who told him to make a little
round of the hotels and who he could
dig up for some short, spicy talks"