The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1900-10-28
THE FALL OF TEDDYGORE.

Now In the days when Confidence and
Our Best Interests dwelt in the land Of
the Americanites and the money changers
girded up their loins to the tune of great
sums, even unto six hundred and ninety
thousand shekels, 1t came to pass that
Hark Mamma saw that those who dwelt in
the West would have none of the strenu-
Gus life and that they loved the warrior
Teddygore Slaughtered only that they
might avoid the garbage laws and dispense
with foul flesh and fish by casting It into
the chariot Of the spellbinder. And Hark
Mama and those with him thought many
times and communed among themselves.
| saying, Verify, this man Is indeed an
apostle for the Bryanites. For when his
mouth is opened to speak good Of the King
his lips speak such things as cause our
henchmen to fee from u.s.
And when they had considered they
agreed that Teddygore must not appear in
the west. but should speak wisdom in the
Eas: that the tribes which were coerced
might applaud him and sing his praises.
ana Siaughterfelt, when he had heard the
iuihgs. gathered together his skulls and
Els sings and his arrows and his svords
and the heads of those whom he had slain
WITHIN the day and departed unto the East.
AND when he had appeared before the
hlng, Hark Mama lifted UP his voice and
said: "Oh, thou windbag. Cease thy
strenuousness that we be not defeated For
II 1t be that We are again the anointed OF
the election judges. at one hundred pieces
per Judge, verify thou shalt have an arena
In the town called Columbia And wild
siIverites shall be supplied unto you to Be
torn limb from limb. And the people shall
obey my will and shall bow their necks to
thy sword when the word is spoken"
And Teddygore was exceedingly pleased
at the things, and went forth to appear
before the tribes of the East which had
oeen coerced. And with him he bore .
parchment. upon which were the rules
which he was to accomplish. And these
said: Say nothing. for thou hast nothing
to say
And Slaughtered appeared unto tho
tribes Of the land called Ramapo and he
came in chariot of gold and had many
centurions with him. at so much per CEN
turfon. And he went up into high place
and looked down upon the multitude. And
seeing that all eyes were upon him no
commanded that three score and ten Of
the centurions, at so much per centurion.
garb themselves in the raiment of the
Bryanites. And when they had been garb.
ed in the raiment Of the Bryanites they
also went up into the high place where
was Teddygore. And Slaughterfelt raised
up his voice and spake, saying: Behold.
oh, poor slobs. For am he who singles
handed. smote the tribe of Hispanol, and
with my teeth tore holes in the flesh Of
the Ethiopian warriors And the people
heard and we're amazed and said one to
the other, Verify, this is Tomicus Shark
eyus." And others spake saying, Nay,
and verify nay. This man Is none other
than the Centurion Eagan. who, with his
stylus and parchment, slew whole
army. And the people marveled and were
sile.: re.
And when Teddygore had seen that they
were silent he filled his chest with gas
and ate his helmet and breastplate. And
he then called unto the centurions, at 30
much per centurion, and spake in .
great voice, saying: Come forth, II
there be any of the tribe of the Bryan
ties in the multitude and will bite them
even into halves" And the threescore
and ten centurions who had been CARRIED
in the raiment of the Bryanites appeared
and had great fear. And when Teddygore
had filed his teeth he ate the threescore
and ten. And of the fragments there
were none remaining.
And one in the multitude cried out
scoffing and held Teddygore in derision.
saying: by what manner come you to
rule us. 1t is not written that those
who feed upon men and roar like unto a
bull and flourish swords are to be our
rulers. Give unto wisdom that we
may choose between thee and others who
would rule the land
And when Teddygore had heard these
things he grew exceeding wroth and
CRASHED his teeth and blew much wind.
And he roared. saying. Verify, am not
with you to speak wisdom nor to speak
answers. / am the steam ca.liope and the
elephant and my medals are more than
wisdom. / am to be among your rulers
for that Teddy begat Teddygore and Teddy
gore begat Felt and Felt begat Slaughter
felt and in the beginning Platt begat Ted
dygore Slaughtered and Hark Mamma be-
gat Kill Mckinley. And the greatest Of
these is Teddygore."
And when he had come upon another
tribe and stood up in a high place he
opened his mouth to speak. And one among
the multitude would have obtained wisdom
from him and would have questioned him.
And Teddygore grew exceeding savage for
that he wanted the centre Of the stage.
And he smote the one who had questioned
him, saying, "Oh, thou leper oh, thou
thief Oh. thou diseased mortal Thou
art liar and fool. ALI of the tribe of
the Bryanites are liars and fools and are
tanned And when the wise men would
have answered, Teddygore girded up his
medals and his swords and journeyed unto
another place.
And Slaughtered came upon other tribes
ind set himself up to speak unto them.
And one among the multitude cried out,
saying: Tell US, oh, warrior. what man
Ter OF laws wilt thou make II chosen as
'uler?' And again Teddygore rose up In
wrath and answered. saying: Verify, thou
lrt an ass and coward. and all Bryanites
With thee. Thou art as the swine which
eed upon husks. Thou art a scourge and
dog" And he that had asked the cues-
ion was exceeding enlightened, and that
ribe went out and voted for the Bryanites
And Hark Mama heard Of these things
nd ordered that Teddygore be bound and
nuzzled. But it was at the eleventh hour
nd the tribes had risen. And they smote
lark Mamma and all with him. And Ted
ygore was enraged and departed unto the
and OF the Tagalites in the country called
Filipino, and he set himself up as the
eader OF the tribes. But they would have
lone OF him and cast him forth
These things came to pass in the first