The Topeka state journal., 1900-08-11
HUMOR OF THE DAY.

HUMOR OF THE DAY.
Paying the ht.-Johnny-"Paw,
when a man expresses an opinion, can he
collect express charges on it?' Paw
He can-if he is a lawyer
American.
The Philadelphian-"Isn't the mud on
this street a trifie deep?" Chicagoan
(proudly)-'Deep? It is the deepest mud
on any paved street in the world!"-In-
dianapOliS Press.
Invalid (to sympathizing caller)-"My
dear, have lost nearly all my hair
Literal Child-"I know where it is,mam-
ma; 1 saw it in your dressing table
drawer. r."-Harper's Bazar.
Papa" said Benny Beechwood, what
is the highest position in the army?
THE command of the balloon brigade,
replied Mr.. Beechwood promptly.-Pitts-
burg Chronice-Telegraph
Chestnuts-"No, mamma" we replied,
1--WE shall not pull your chestnuts out of
the fire!" Then I shan't laugh at an
other one of your ambassadors chest
nuts!" exclaimed Britain hotly.-Detroit
Journal.
"De man dat's dissatisfied an shows
it by workin,'" said Uncle Eben, kin
be credited wild homes ambition; but de
man dat shows it by talkin' aint muffin
but plain kicker. Washington Star.
His hirography.-'Isn't the armless
wonder originate" "In what?' why,
when he gave me his autograph, he
wanted to know If 1 didn't think he
wrote a handsome foot."-Philadelphia
Evening Bulletin.
Taking the Census.-Jones-"Gr Great
Scottl has that man been in an explosion
or railroad wreck?" BrOwn-"Neither.
He's a census enumerator who showed
II a Ia n
it had ten years ago."-Detroit Free
Press
A Double Distinction -Cassidy-"Wh
are yez going to name him after?" KEEL
1y-"Well, we're going to name him Pat
ricki Partly after ST. Patrick, who drove
all the shnakes from Oireland; and part
ly after Pat Connolly, who drove all the
Republicans out av tn Sixth ward!"-
Puck.
Farewell.-Great Actor--'I propose
making farewell tour of the provinces.
What play would you adviser" Critic
Much Adieu About Nothing. g."-Detroit
Journal.
A Chicago woman is reported to have
fallen eight stories without sustaining
any serious injuries. 1t is suspected
that somebody in Chicago has added a
story to the building.-Boston Tran
script.
Another Passe Attraction. = "Just
heard from my family They were at
the Paris fair last week" Eth! The
Paris fair! Is that still going on?''-
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Lengthy.-she-"Ho many years
have we been acquainted?" He-"I
don't know exactly-a great many"
She-'I feel already as if 1 had known
you two or three days at the seashOre.'
-Harper's Bazaar.
His Usual Trip-''What is meant by
a Sabbath-day's journey?" asked the
Sunday school teacher. From our
house to grandpapa's and back replied
Freddie FOsdick, who knew where his
family took dinner every Sunday.-Chi-
cago NeNws.
More Reason to Exterminate Him.
Watts-'Still, you must concede that
the Chinaman minds his own business
only" Potts-'Of course. He is motor
ious for that. 1t is only another evil
dence Of his lack of real humanity
Indianapolis Press.
Cheering Him Up.-Mr. Newlywed-''I
saw your old lover on the street today,
looking aWfully blue" Mrs. Newlywed
Il hope you tried to cheer him up
Mr.. Newlywed-"Oh, yes. showed him
my buttonless shirt and that new tie
you bought me.'-Judge.
His Time Would Come.-Rupert-"Y
speak slightingly of my affection now,
but de time will come when you will
laud me to de skies" Angeline-''An'
whenII dat be?" Rupert-7.When you
marry some poor slob and begin giving
him a earache about de fancy guys
you might have married If you hadn't
been so foolish. Puck
A Queer Person.-Farmer Hornbeak-
''Uncle Lyman Swank is the strangest
old man ever seen!" Farmer Haw-
buck-'sHow's that Ezry?" Farmer
Hornbeak- Why, no matter what kind
of story We tell him. it never reminds
him of anything!
Mr.. F1yhigh-"Of course, you're well
acquainted with the country round
about here. Do you know Glen Accron?''
has just bought the estate)-"What
sort of a place is it, in your opinion p
Native-"Well, if ye saw the dell teth-
cred ont, ye'd just say, 'Puir brute -
Glasgow Evening Times.
Safe.-''Well, sir" remarked the OBJ
servant passenger after watching the
conductor collect eight fares and ring
up five, you need never be afraid of
being struck by lightning" why
cause" replied the observant passen-
ger, cit is evident you are not a good
or."-Philadelphi Press.
The Outward Signs.-The passenger
in the sleeping car, awakened by the
stopping of the train, pushed aside the
blind and looked out " 'Blitz &
Schlatz,' 'Kumpff & Donnerwetter,'
'Schligel & Knopff,' Leopold Schwart-
zenheimer,'" he said, reading the busf-
ness signs that met his eye. well, I
see we've got to Milwaukee Chicago
Tribune.
Flank Movement-"Say," said the
until laa hnfa