davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
IRISH TURNS AND TWISTS.
The Unconscious Humor That Crops
Out In the Green Isle.

Out In the Green Isle.
The author of Irish Life and Char
acter' says truly that one has only
to mix with an Irish crowd to hear
many laughable expression, quite in
nocently uttered. AS the Dul:e and
Duchess Of York were leaving Dublin
in 1897, amid enthusiastic cheering, an
old woman remarked:
"Ah! Isn't it the fine reception
they're gettin, goin awaJ?'
In 1892 Dublin university celebrated
Its tercentenary, and crowds of WIS.,
itors We're attracted to the city. Two
laborers, rejoiced at the general pros
perity, expressed their feelings
"Well, Tim said one, thin tar
cintinaries does dale for the thrade
of Dublin. and no mistake"
ooh, fax they dol" said the other.
"And whin. with the blessin of God,
we get home rule. sure we can have as
nanny of thin as we phase"
An old woman, seeing man pulling
a young calf roughly along the road,
exclaimed:
(! ooh, you bla'guard. That's no way
| to thrate fellow crather."
"Sure" said laborer to young
lady who was urging him to send his
! children to school, I'D do anything for
such sweet, gintlemanly lady as
yourself"
Again, the laborers on a large estate
decided that it would be more con-
venient for them if they could be paid
every week instead of every fortnight
One of their number was sent to place
their proposition before the land agent
and this was his statement:
'If you please, sir, it's me desire
and it is also livery other mans desire
that we resave out fortnight's pay
livery week.
An exasperated sergeant, drilling g
squad Of recruits, called to them al
last:
"Halt!' Just come over here, all OF
We, and look at yourselves. It's fine
line ye're keepin, isn't it?"
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
The Explanation.

One morning the readers of certain
newspaper We're perplexed to see in
type the announcement that 1.-The SEQ
tus handed down an important deci-
sion yesterday" The afternoon paper
of the town. with which the morning
paper for years had held a bitter con-
troversy. interesting none but them
selves, laughed that day. as the poets
say. Tin ghoulish glee," and it was up
to the morning paper the next day to
explain that the types" made them
say that the Scotus did so and so when
the telegraph editor should have known
that that word was merely the abbre-
Walton Of the telegrapher for supreme
court of the United States.
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
An Impudent Fraud.

An impudent fraud was perpetrated
upon Manchester bank by one of it's
customers, who opened an account
with some few hundreds of pounds.
The man, after a few weeks, drew two
checks, each within a pound or so of
his balance, and, selecting busy day,
presented himself at one end of the
counter, while an accomplice, when he
saw that his friends check had been
cashed, Immediately presented his own
to a cashier at the other end. Both
cashiers referred the checks to the
ledger clerk. who. thinking the same
cashier had asked him twice, said
right" to both checks. The thieves
We're never caught.
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
JUST A BIT OF LIFE.
A Pathetic Incident of the Pawn
shops In the Metropolis.


Sneaking into a small shop in an OBJ
scure and poverty ridden locality, the
man who went broke" at the races
was realizing on superfuous article
Of jewelry. A woman so poor and
pinched in feature, so marked with
care and desperation that it made him
feel sick to look at her, was holding
something under her shawl and wait
ing nervously until he should have fin
ished his transaction.
"Wait on her. She seems to be in
hurry" he said to the man behind the
counter, and at the word Of permission
carpenters plane was produced from
the shelter of the shawl.
"How much do you want?" queried
the unmoved pawnbroker monotonous-
ly.
Fifty cents" replied the woman
with gulping in her throat and an
eager look in her eyes. She clutched
the money tightly and ran into another
creature, poor as herself, but bearing
her troubles in duller fashion. She
had baby's cloak. never costly and
much worn, on which she wanted to
borrow money. the same sum as the
other woman had asked for.
The man who had been offering a
diamond felt uncomfortable. "There,
give me $50. The stones worth four
times as much" And, Selling the mon
ey, he hurried after the woman who
had just left the shop. He was not
given to acts of charity, and he felt
awkward. the more so as the woman
shrank from him as he accosted her.
81 beg your pardon" he began, but
here's So | have no use for Perhaps
you
"No. nor she cried. drawing further
from him.
"For your child" he said gently
"My child is dead" cried the woman,
with queer sob. and fled into the
labyrinth of alleys and byways that
| shelters so much wretchedness.-New
| York Times
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09

Radishes originated in China. where
they have been cultivated for many
centuries and sometimes grow as big
as mans head. In Germany the old
fashioned country mothers cure hoarse-
ness and cough with radish Juice mix
ed with sugar candy. The radishes of
today have no flavor, no character.
Formerly their sharp, biting taste made
them palatable.
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
Stands Without a Rival.

Mr.. Jno. N. Wllkie, of SO Adams
Ave, West, Detroit, Michigan, writes:
g have been troubled with very Sc
we're headache for years and have
taken great many different remedies,
but have never found anything to give
me as speedy and permanent cure as
krause's Headache Capsules. In my
opinion they stand without rival
they have cured me every time. Sold
by Nick Doffing 4 Co, Extra, and n.
g. Bronson, Audubon: Druggists.
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
[CopYright. 1900. by c. B. Lewis.

man, Major Crofoot never forgets the
face or name Of friend. You more
than any other man in the world have
been in my thoughts for the last three
days, and, as remarked, was about
to start for your office. Thompson,
shake hands again"
81 haven't time" replied Thompson.
4 Look here, major, bills against you to
he amount of 5000 have been put into
($ur hands for collection. You promised
10 pay that old board bill two months
Ago. want to know what you are go
1g to do?"
do, my dear Thompson? Why, I'm
going to give you check in about ten
, seconds for the whole indebtedness.
You could have had your money long
ago if you had given me the slightest
hint. Major Crofoot has good mem
ory, but how can you expect him to
keep track of shillings when he is
dealing in thousands of dollars"
Il heard you were promoting a lit
tle," said the lawyer as he waited for
the check.
'Ten companies formed in the last
three months. my boy, and the
eleventh just ready to be Incorporated.
Grand aggregation of over S30OOOO,O00
capital thus far, and every company
bound to pay at least 80 per cent divi-
dend. What do you suppose I've got
on hand now?"
II can't say. and as I'm in hurry
you may fill out that check"
''The biggest scheme of all-the ne
plus ultra" whispered the major with
a flourish Of his right arm. 81 expect
ed to stop at ten, but this scheme
came pushing along and l had to take
it up. It's the richest Of them all.
It'll pay 100 per cent profit from the
very start. In a week from now the
Standard Oil company won't be on
earth"
But I'm here about those bills"
My dear Thompson, walk with me.
When was hard up, you were one of
the few who did not lose confidence In
my integrity. The man or woman who
trusts Major Crofoot never regrets it.
I might not have picked up this elev-
enth scheme but for you. I wanted to
let you in. 1 wanted to reward you
for your faith in me. Thompson, my
boy, sell out your law business-give
it away-get rid of it before night"
II want to know about those bills"
said the lawyer as he came to halt.
"The last and best scheme of all"
continued the major as he got hold of
his arm again, sis the Musical Wash
board company, organized on a capital
of $20,00O,O00. The idea is strictly orig
inal with me. dashboard runs a music
box while you rub. Music box can be
placed in the laundry, parlor, kitchen
or even the next house. May arrange
later on to have 'em connected with
drug stores, kindergartens and public
schools. Twenty-four tunes in the box,
evenly divided between sad and lively.
AS the washerwoman rubs away at
one of your colored shirts the music
box strikes up Comm Thro' the Rye
She changes off to a sheet or pillow
slip. and you have Home, Sweet
Home with variations. Thompson,
shake handsn'
81 won't do it. l came here to notify
you that these bills must be paid at
once or you will be hailed into court"
cts hummer, my boy-it's a sue
cess from the start. Costs nothing ex-
ira for the music, you know. While
you are hiring woman in the laundry
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
Ate Course Dinners.

a woman just arrived from Aus
tralia was recently negotiating with
an agent in London for house in one
of the newer districts of Kensington.
hood. 1T is thoroughly desirable
madam" replied the house agent
They are without exception soup and
fish families"
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
Nye,s Introduction.

When James Whitcomb Riley and
Bill Nye travelled together giving a
joint entertainment the humorst had
great fun with the poet. Once, in in
Producing Riley and himself to an au-
dience, Nye remarked ~ will appear
first and speak until | get tired then
Mr.. Riley will succeed me and read
from his own works until you get
tired"
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
A Jury Room Gem.

A gem from the records of Missouri
court, given in an address by Hon.
William H. Wallace. is the following
lucid verdict in a lunacy case: I'VE,
the jury. impaneled. sworn and charg-
ed to inquire into the insanguinity of
Hezekiah Jones, do occur in the affirm
atiyaN
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
Two Rad Rites

Diogenes, being asked, what is that
beast which is the most dangerous? 2"
replied. "Of wild beasts the bite of a
slanderer and of tame beasts that of
the fiatterer''
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09

1t is not correct to say that a girl
RENDERS Il song. Ii she lives long
enough to become of some use in the
world, she may some day render lard,
but she can't render Atchison
Globe.
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09

If the average man could read the
story of his life he wouldn't believe
it.-Chicago News.
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09

WANTED-Honest man or woman to travel for
large house; salary S65 monthly and ex-
close self-addressed stamped envelope MAN
AGER, $50 Caxton bldg, Chicago.
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09

A man who finds no satisfaction in
himself seeks for it in vain elsewhere.
Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1900-08-09
THE GRAND SCHEMER
HE PLANS A DEVICE THAT WILL TAKE
THE PUBLIC BY STORM.

Major CrOfOOt Originates the M. w.
b. Company, Filling n Long Felt
Want, and Incidentally Takes In a
Lawyer Friend.
Copyright 1900. by c. B. Lewis.l
The grand promoter sat at his desk
in his office with wandering look on
his face and 40 cents in change spread
out before linn. He had been counting
that change over and over and figuring
how many times the $2S he owed his
landlady, the SIP he owed his tailor.
the 81 he owed his halter and the $50
he owed various other people would &c
into that 40 cents. He was still about
1t when he heard a step on the stairs.
1t was the step of an aggressive man.
AS it came nearer it betokened the step
of determined man. AS the door was
burst open without preliminary warn
ing the major recognized the fact that
he was face to face with circum-
stance. For one brief second his knees
weakened, and he caught his breath
with gasp. Then he was on his feet
with hand outstretched and smile on
his face and saying:
BLESS my soul, but if you had been
two minutes later I should have been
on my way to your office! Come in;
come in"
81 didn't know as you would remem-
Der me-" dryly replied the visitor as he
looked around the office.
"What! Not remember Thompson of
Thomson & Thomson ATTORNEYS at
law! You must be joking. My dear
New-York tribune., 1900-04-21

POPULAR AFFECTION SHOWN FOR THE
PRINCE OF WALES ON HIS RE-
TURN TO LONDON.

London. April 20-The return of the Prince Of
Wales TO this city was made the occasion for an
unorgantzed and spontaneous demonstration of
enthusiasm by thousands Of persons who
thronged the Charng Cross railroad station and
its approaches. waiting patiently to show their
gisdness at the heir apparent's escape from
death. The whole route to Marlborough House.
especially Pail Mall, thick with people. and
around the Charng Cross station the police had
the utmost difficulty in controlling the crowds
The Duke of York awaited his fathers arrival
Oh the platform of the station, and when the
train bearing the Prince drew In mighty shout
went up from the mass Of spectators outside the
barricades BY that time the King Of Sweden
now on visit to England. his white head inches
above the waiting crowd, had joined the Duke of
York.
When the Prince Of Wales stepped out of the
train he was afectionateIy greeted and congrat-
ulated by his son and the visiting sovereign and
then. amid tremendous cheering he entered a
closed carriage and drove off with the Duke of
York. His Royal Highness bowed repeatedly as
he passed through the cheering ranks and went
by the omnibuses, which had been stalled for
several blocks. and which then used for
grandstand purposes. The Prince appeared to
be in excellent health. and was dressed In light
tweed suit. Behind his closed vehicle was an
open carriage containing King Oscar, who re-
celVed a popular greeting which almost equalled
in enthusiasm that of the Prince of Wales. and
to which His Majesty replied by vigorously wav-
ing his hat. which urged the crowd TO still fur
ther enthusiasm. All along the route similar
scenes occurred. the crowds around Marlborough
House being particularly large. The specta tors
of the Princes homecoming consisted chiefly of
the we'll dressed and eminently respectable ee-
ments From their comments II evident
how genuine and heartfelt was the gladness over
the Princes escape from Sipidos bullet. The
most common remark was How we'll he looks"
and from he ha hac
come back safe and sound"
King Oscars unexpected appearance and dem
ocratically expressed enthusiasm created intense
delight. and made that monarch quite the hero
of the hour.
New-York tribune., 1900-04-21
AFTER PORTO RICAN PLUMS
A FIERCE SCRAMBLE, WHICH GOVERN
OR ALLEN WILL HAVE TO MEET
AND CHECK
[BY TELEGRAPH TO THE TRIBUNE. !


Washington. April 20-The meeting of the
House Committee on Insuar Affairs to consider
the joint resolution relating to the temporary
administration of civil affairs in Porto Rico
and proposed amendments thereto has been
postponed until tomorrow. Members of the
committee. well many other Representa-
tives, more strongly desirous than of
providing for additional safeguards against the
improvident granting of public franchises in
the island. and the recommendations of the
committee on that subject awaited with
keen interest.
Franchise questions will be among the first
and most important that Governor Allen and
the Executive Council Will be required to meet
after assuming their official duties. II is
derstood that Mr.. Allen is already his guard
against of the speculative schemes re-
specting which he has received information, and
that he has expressed the hope that Congress
may find it practicable to enact necessary addi-
tional legislation the subject at this session
Among the schemes already under way. it is
asserted is to obtain possession and own
ership by one or more syndicates combina-
tions in the United States of the plantations
which have been mortgaged and the owners or
which temporarily unable to meet their in
debtedness.
public franchises, for which there Will be fierce
competition among the men and combinat tions
interested, which declared TO be exceeding
ly strong financially as well as politically in
fiuential Exaggerated estimates of the actual
prospective value of the various franchises
and projects appear to prevail and the scramble
to obtain the and promote the other Will
be all the fiercer for that reason.
New-York tribune., 1900-04-21
DELAY IN THE CLARK CASE.
NOT TO BE DISPOSED OF UNTIL THE QUAY
CONTEST is DECIDED.

Washington, April 2O.-It was intended to hold 4
meeting of the Senate Committee on privileges
and Elections to-day to consider the report on the
case of Senator Clark, of Montana but owing TO
the recent changes made in rhe t"xt of the report
II found impossible to preLGr 1t for presenta-
tion to-day. 1t is probable that no meeting will be
held before Monday, This postponement VIII render
it practically impossible to dispose of the case in
the Senate before the vote Is taken on the Quay
case but there is q general understanding about
the Senate that all questions on this point VIII be
settled by Senator Clark refraining from voting in
the Quay
found the treatment of the episode connecting
the Montana Supreme Court with the Clark con-
test. There are also differences as to the
method of treating Congressman Campbelfs and
ex-State Senator Whitesides connection with the
case The majority of the committee are disposed
to use the testimony concerning the State court
as strongly corroborating the general charges
against MIR. Clark. while Senators Pettus, Harris
and McComas take the position that as there was
proof connecting Mr. Clark with the alleged
approaches to the court this testimony should not
be used. An effort to adjust these differences OF
opinion is being made. but II this is found i'm
practicable the three Senators mentioned, While
as eeing the general verdict will express dis
bility Of dissent the methods of Campbell and
Whiteside. But in event will there be any di-
vision as the recommendation that the seat
occupied by Mr.. Clark be declared vacant
New-York tribune., 1900-04-21
BUSINESS N THE SENATE.
CONFERENCE REPORT ON THE HAWAIIAN
GOVERNMENT BILL CONSIDERED.

Washington, April 2O.-The Senate had under con-
sideraton for the greater part of today's session
the conference report on the Hawaiian Civil Gov
ernment bill. Mr.. Cullom explained the changes
made by the conferrees The report was the sub
tect of sharp criticism Final action postponed
until tomorrow.
The Alaskan Civil Code bill considered for
a short time, Mr.. Bate speaking against the pend
ing Hansbrough amendment relating to the rights
of alien miners.
Mr.. Foraker delivered euogy of the late
Lorenzo Danford. a Representative from Ohio. and
the Senate adopted resolutions expressing its sor
row for Mr.. Danford's death.
Mr.. Bacon offered two resolutions-one inquring
of the Secretary of War whether not Army off,
GERS had received receiving salaries for the
performance of civil duties in addition to their
regular pay, and the other inquiring about the
penditures made for rent of officers quarters
equpages and all similar expenses. Both resolu-
tons went under objection.
Mr.. Hale presented the conference report the
additional Urgent Deficiency bill, and II was agreed
Mr. Gauinger offered a substitute for resolution
he introduced Yesterday asking for information
the revenues derived from stamp taxes. The sub
stitute directs the Secretary of the Treasury fur
nish a statement OF the derived from the
War Revenue act. the items regarding each sub
ject of taxation to be stated separately The
luton was adopted.
The president pro tenn. Mr. Frye. announced
the appointment OF Mr.. Carter. of Montana and
Mr. Harris. of Kansas members of the Board
of Visitors to West Point.
New-York tribune., 1900-04-21
WELLINGTON GETS ON THE FENCE.
THE MARYLAND SENATOR AT PRESENT
SEEMS TO BE A MAN WITH
OUT A PARTY.

Washington. April 20 (SpeciaD.-Senator We'll
lington of Maryland, admitted to-day the ac-
curacy of current reports which have repre-
sented him disposed to terminate his active
participation in Republican party politics. The
Maryland Senator was credited with a purpose
to change his party affiliations before the open
ing of the approaching Presidential campaign
His statement to-day does not bear out this ru-
NOR entirely, for although it shows that Mr..
Wellington has intention of supporting the
Republican candidate and the Republican plat
form this year he has not made up his mind to
cast his lot openly with the Democratic -Populist
opposition.
''The facts are these" said Mr.. Wellington
this afternoon to local reporter, when asked
about his plans for the coming campaign: L
have been opposed to the acquisition of the
Philippines a permanent colony. l was op-
posed to the ID per cent duty on Porto Rican
imports into this country. This being my posi-
ton, do not see my way clear to support the
Philippine policy of the President and the policy
of laying a duty Porto Rico when they are
embraced in a National platform. l will simply
step aside do not intend to support plat
form that is against my convictions in such
important particulars 1 do not intend to remain
member of the National Committee. nor do L
intend to attend the Republican National Con-
vention.'
AS is well known here Mr. Wellington, since
his entry into the Senate in March, 1897. has
been at odds with the majority sentiment there
on nearly every conspicuous issue of party
policy. He voted for the ratification of the
treaty with Spain with much reluctance, and has
since opposed the Republican programme for
dealing with the new dependencies in the East
and West Indies. His attitude in the last Mary
land campaign also brought him into sharp an
tagonism with the Republican interests and
leadership in that State. Mr. Wellington is a
member of the Republican National Committee,
and VIII probably retire from that post before
the Philadelphia Convention meets.
New-York tribune., 1900-04-21
GOVERNOR ALLEN SAILS TO-DAY.
THE DOLPHIN TO CONVEY HIM TO HIS POST
AT SAN JUAN.

WASHINGTON. April 20.-Although he took formal
leave of the employees of the Navy Department yes
terday Mr.. Allen was to-day still discharging the
duties of Assistant Secretary, not having been in
formed OF the confirmation of Mr.. Hackett. his
successor. Governor Allen has already begun to
feel the cares of his office. being busily en-
gagged with the adjustment of many details which
require be settled before he can safely assume
office. He spent hour to-day in conference with
Secretary Root.
Although report has come from General Davis
respecting the necessity for continuing the Porto
Rican present constituted until the
new judicial order can be established Under the
terms of the organic act, the agitation that
point has failed attract the attention of the
officials here It is realized that the island might
be thrown into state of sem-anarchy were 1t
deprived completely of courts for short
period. and it IS probable that the War Depart
ment will make a special recommendation to Con-
Representatives amendment to the pending
Senate resolution extending the functions OF the
customs officers in Porto Rico so as TO include the
courts
Governor Allen expects TO sail for Porto Rico
morrow taking with him Wheeler Howell his pri-
yate stenogra pher, to in the capacity in
Porto Rico He will be accompanied by Mrs. Allen
and their daughter. The Dolphin is being made
ready for the trip at the Washington Navy Yard.
With good weather, the vessel should arrive off
San Juan about April %
Admiral Farquhar informed the Navy Depart
ment to-day from Bermuda that in execution of his
orders TO escort the new Governor his entry
into the harbor of San Juan, the New York and
the Texas viii sail from Bermuda early tomorrow
morning for San Juan. The Machias. also of his
squadron, sailed yesterday for Samana Bay. San
Domingo The vessels of the squadron will pro-
ceed directly to San Juan, but after spending some
San Juan Harbor until the Dolphin arrives and
then make the entry in state.