davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
Machine Made Jokes.

Some time ago a fellow got up a
little book giving hints on how to be
funny. Copies of this book are evil
IDENTIFY in common use by the funny
men connected with many of our news
papers. Witness this specimen joke
attributed to Chicago paper:
He-Who is that ugly old woman
over there by the piano?
She-Oh, that's Nine. Cosmetique,
the famous beauty specialist.
The book tells just how to make this
class Of jokes in bulk The same idea
will do for whole batch. "He" asks:
"Who is that baldheaded manY' .She''
answers: THAT is DR.. Quacknostrum,
the Hair Remover man." Again, "He''
asks: What is the matter with those
crying bratsY" And "She' responds:
''Their mother has gone to lecture on
the training Of children" Once you
catch the idea you can produce funny
things of this kind automatically, and
If you are a funny man on a news
paper your readers will laugh every
time and other papers will quote your
jokes and give your paper credit for
them.-Pathfinder.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
Not Piety. but Pork.

The following bit Of nonconformist
humor is taken from "The Earring
dons," an English romance The speak
efs are Mrs. Bateson and Mrs. Han
key, worthy wives, but not altogether
above feeling certain pleasure in
showing up the ways of husbands:
They've no sense. men haven't"
said Mrs. Hankey; that's what's the
matter with them.''
"You never spoke truer word, Mrs
Hankey." replied Mrs. Bateson. THE
very best of them don't properly know
the difference between their souls and
their stomachs, and they fancy they
are a-wrestling with their doubts when
really it is their dinners that are
a-wrestling with them
Now, take Bateson hisself," contin-
ued Mrs. Bateson. "a kinder husband
or better Methodist never drew breath,
yet so sure as he touches bit of pork
he begins to worry hisself about the
doctrine of election till there's no liv-
ing with him. And then he'll sit in the
front parlor and engage in prayer for
hours at time till l says to him:
'Bateson.' says 1, I'D be ashamed
to go troubling the Lord with prayer
when a pinch of carbonate of soda
would set things straight again."
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
AN INSTRUCTIVE CARTOON.

A few days ago we saw an inter-
esting cartoon. 1t was printed in
a leading democratic paper and
was Of type easily recognizable
by the friends Of that party. The
Presidents chair was draped with
all the pomp and paraphenalia of
a throne. The president wore an
imperial crown upon his head and
IN his hand he held sceptre.
Around and about him were host
OF soldiers and all the apperten-
ances of an empire. All our demo-
cratic friends will recognize the
picture. But there was an odd
thing about the cartoon, the presi-
dent seated on the throne was u.
5. Grant and the date of the paper
while he sympathized with the
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
THE DEFEAT OF MR.. ROMANS.

We notice by the press reports
that Mr.. ]. B. Romans was de-
feated for the position as elector-
at-large by the recent democratic
state convention. We have no de-
sire to twit MIR. Romans over the
personal disappointment and in
fact we. do not know that he made
such effort that the defeat can be
called a disappointment. Its not
of Mr.. Romans that we wish to
speak but rather of the way in
which the democratic party is try
ing to eclipse the issue on which
Mr.. Romans and others left the
republican party. We find no
place on the democratic ticket in
which the silver republicans are
recognized, but Col. Eiboeck who
now, as in 1896, strenuously OPP
poses that doctrine, was given the
place sought for Mr.. Romans by
his friends. We cannot but think
that Mr.. Romans deserves better
of his new party. There is no
question but that he has made
great sacrifices for it. He sacri-
feed the friendship Of many repub-
llcans when he left his position
as republican county chairman, to
forward the interests of democracy;
he sacrificed himself when he lead
the forelorn hope against Dolliver,
Iand we believe he has sacrificed
more time and money to the cause
of democracy than has any other
democrat in Iowa. We do not
think Mr.. Romans defeat per
sonal one however, rather 1t was a
repetition of the means of deceit
by which the democrats hope to
gain the coming election. 1t is
the same old free silver party but
| it has put on new masquerade
dress and it wishes the disguise to
be as complete as possible. If
Bryan is as honest as our friends
esteem him, there is no doubt but
that he would, if elected, do every
thing in his power to carry out the
policy of the only plank upon the
insertion of which he insisted at
the Kansas City convention. If
he had congress as subservient
to him as was the democratic ma
tional convention, he would I'M
doubtedly succeed. No effort is
being spared to hide this fact FROM
the voters as is evidenced by
Bryan's speech and later by the
action in Iowa by the defeat OF
Mr.. Romans, who is recognized as
the champion of free silver.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21

The celebrated Mamertine prison fur
nishes an important scene in Sienkie-
wicz's story, "Quo Nadis.'' 1t is locat-
ed on the slope of the Capitoline, in
Rome, and. according to tradition, it
was begun by ANGUS Martius and later
enlarged hy Servius Tullius. Jugurtha
is said to have been starved to death
here, the accomplices of Catiline stran-
gled by command of Cicero ami Seja-
aus, the minister and fayorite of Tibe-
RUS, executed. Church tradition has
consecrated this prison as the place
where St. Peter and st. Paul were con-
fined by order of Nero. Historian Hill
lard says of it:
"The Mamertine prison is hideous
vault divided into an upper and lower
portion scooped out of the solid rock
and lined with, massive blocks in the
Etruscan style of architecture. A more
heartbreaking place of confinement it
is not easy to imagine.s According to
the traditions of the church, st. Peter
was imprisoned here by order of Nero,
and the pillar to which he was bound
and fountain which sprang up mirac-
ulously to furnish the water of baptism
to his jailers, whom he converted, are
shown to the visitor. There is no rea-.
son to doubt that Jugurtha was starv-
ed to death in these pitiless vaults.
Here, too, the companions of Catiline
were strangled. 1t is u curious fact
that the chances of literature and his
tory should have carved two such
names as those Of Sallust and Cicero
on these Cyclopean walls"
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21

was 1868. How history repeats
Itself. Bryan tells US that imperi-
alism is new issue, but it is not.
In this country it is as old as
Washington's administration, when
thousands of good Americans be-
lieved that Washington was about
to found new empire in America.
The same cry was made about
Jackson and Lincoln and Grant
and now against Mckinley. There
was just as much in it then as now.
While we are in the history bust
ness, we might also remind our
democratic friends that each of
these ''imperialist" presidents
served two terms and that the
country was immeasurably better
off that they did.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21

Nearly 100000 worth of articles are
payned in London weekly.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21

French, exactly as we do with the
Beers, he could not commit this
country to war on their account.
The truth is, that when the aver
age democrat speaks of what they
are pleased to call the "Boer
Question" he does it with smile.
1t is matter introduced wholly to
catch votes, there's nothing in it,
and Mr.. Bryan himself does not
dare to state, that, had he been
president, he would have taken
any other course than that followed
by President Mckinley.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
The Bibulous Dane.

When the police in Denmark find a
man helplessly drunk in the streets,
they drive the patient in cab to the
station, where he sobers off. Then
they take him home. The cabman
makes his charge, the police doctor
makes his, the agents make their claim
for special duty, and this bill is pre-
sented to the landlord of the estab-
lishment where the drunkard took the
last glass that did the business. No
wonder that certain landlords protest,
saying that proofs are insufficient and
that some alleged victims sham intoxi-
cation to get into trouble landlords
against whom they have spite.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
FREAKS OF THE MIND.
Some of the Strange Powers 1t Often
Has Over the VIII

some Oh inc StE0HkC 11ONSefB IL OIte0
Has Over the VIII
Did you ever think how often you eat
and never stick your fork in your eye?
You always stick your fork in your
mouth. If you ate ip the dark, it
would be the same thing. You would
never put out your eye by putting your
fork in it. Why? Because your sub
conscious mind is doing it's automatic
duty and knows very well that you eat
with your mouth and not with your
eye.
Many other actions are automatic.
For instance, 20 people have gathered
on street corner to board passing
car. The very fact that they are there
means that the car will stop. The first
man has already signaled the motor
man. So do the other 10. And the
same thing happens if ten people
gather to descend in an elevator. The
first conner rings the bell. So do the
other nine-merely automatically. The
sign says "Ring," so each man takes
this sign to himself and rings.
A shoemaker once had shop in the
basement of a large building down
town. The shoemaker worked with
his back to the door. Every time the
door opened the shoemaker turned his
head to the left to see who entered.
For ten years the shoemaker worked
and turned his head almost every hour
in the day. Before many years had
passed the shoemaker's head turned
automatically, and now that man has
spent all the money he has ever made
trying to be cured of this automatic
habit. But his head still jerks, SO that
he looks over his left shoulder con-
stantly.-New York Herald.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
The Point of view.

Get divorce if you want it!' ex-
claimed the angry husband. IT can
easily get another wife, and I've lived
long enough to learn that one woman
is just as good as another-if not bet
teri"
EYES," calmly replied his better half,
"and I've lived long enough to know
that one man is just as bad as another
If not worse" Chicago News.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
THE BOERS AND AMERICA.

Democracy expects to hold the
votes of many Germans who are
against free silver by that plank in
the democratic platform expressing
their sympathy with the Beers. In
view of this we wish to state
some facts which we believe that
party will find it difficult to refute.
AS far as sympathy goes, we be-
-lieve nine tenths of the American
people sympathize with the brave
people of South Africa, who have
made fight, which in heroism
rivals the far famed bravery of the
ancient Greeks. When the war
opened the Beers applied to the
other nations of the world to act as
mediators between them and Great
Britain. The appeal went to the
Fatherland of the Beers, Holland,
and was UNDECIDED; it went to the
Germans, own cousins to the
Beers, and was unanswered; from
Russia and France, implacable
foes of Great Britain, came no
word of help. Alone of all the
civilized nations the United States
responded, offered it good offices
and proposed itself to both coun-
tries as a mediator. No democrat
can deny the truth of this state
ment. The offer of mediation
being refused there was but one
other way in which the United
States could help the Beers and
that was by intervention by force
Of arms. How many of our demo-
cratic friends think this country
should have rushed into war with
Great Britain on account of the
South African republics?
Once and once only has the
United States interviewed in such a
case, and that wasiwhen the out
RACES of Spain in Cuba became un-
bearable to our people. If we are
to intervene for the benefit of the
Beers, was it not also our duty to
free the Irish from British misrule?
Why should we discriminate
against the Irish, surely their
wrongs are as great as any endured
by the Beers. We should have
interviewed to save the Jews from
the persecution of Russia and the
Armenians from the brutality of
the Turk. The danger is that if
we set ourselves up to be the pre-
servers of the liberty of the world,
we shall become so weak and
powerless that our own liberties
shall be lost. The Beers had a
republic, as we are told by the
democrats, and therefor their big
sister republic should have helped
them. The precedent for the
present action of the country was
set by the immortal Washington.
The republic in France was in dire
need. All the monarchies OF Eu-
rope were combined against it and
in their distress they came tc
America, the country they had be.
friended, in search of aid. The
feeling in this. country was strong,
the French minister was greeted
with loud acclaim, but the great
Washington gave him his passports
and said that the first duty Of
America was to itself, and that
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
MIR. BRYAN HAS HAD HIS SHARE.

In Mr.. Bryan's address to the
bimetallists of the United States,
written by him as soon as the adj
verse result of the election of 1896
was definitely known, he said:
"The republican candidate has
been heralded as the advance agent
of prosperity. If his policies bring
real prosperity to the American
people, those who opposed him
will share in that prosperity"
Have those policies brought
t'real prosperity" and if so has
Mr.. Bryan, the. most conspicuous
of Mr.. McKinley's opponents,
shared in it? All except demo-
cratic orators on the stump will
confess that the country has, been
enjoying good times for the last
three and half years. If the as
sessed valuation of Mr.. Bryan's
property at Lincoln can be trusted
he, like other democrats and like
republicans, has prohted by those
good times. ! In 1896 his assess
ment was $40. In 1897 it rose to
sI,4S5. The assessment for this
year is s4,45o. Thus it appears
that in four years his possessions
have increased sixteenfold. If all
men in the United States had done
as we'll as that the country would
be gorged with wealth. In reality
Mr.. Bryan has had an unduly large
percentage of prosperity.
Thus far in the campaign that
gentleman has devoted himself to
'simperialism." In due season he
will get around to 's16 to L." and
will repeat his old story that with,
out it there can be no "real pros
perity." He will contend that the
prosperity the people have had
since 1896 is not the genuine ar
ticle, but merely ga feeting show
for mans illusion given" But it
has been the real thing for Mr..
Bryan. Other men may have
wasted their share Of Mckinley
prosperity in riotous living. Not
50 Mr.. Bryan. He has been more
provident and has laid up treas
ures in Lincoln, Neb. So he
ought not to say too many harsh
words about gold standard pros
perity which has put money in his
purse, as it has in that of the
humblest ,toiler.
As 10 is to 1 so is the present
valuation of Mr.. Bryan's proper
/ y to its valuation in 1896. This
is an application of the "heaven
born ratio" by Mckinley prospect
ty which ought to crafty Mr..
Bryan. He should be satisfied
with policies which work so we'll
for him. If he is defeated and
there is no change in the ratio he
will be worth SIS, 900 four years
hence. After a few more four-yea1
periods he will become plutocrat,
investing his surplus income ii ice
trust and Standard Oil stock
Chicago Tribune.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
Enltgl,tened.

Professor-pm grateful for my sense
Of humor. Thank heaven, can al
ways see joke.
Miss Flavilla-Oh, professor, the
sense of humor is not ability to see
joke. The sense Of humor is ability
to take joke indianapolis Journal.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21

Sailors call low lying iceberg
growler, and the world would in gen
eral suggest something cool were it not
for bulldogs and London four wheel
cabs, to which it is also applied.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21

'They say, you are merely political
boss" said the candid informant.
Great Scott!" calculated Senator
Sorghum "The irreverence Of these
moderns is something disheartening.
Why, that's all julius Caesar was"-
Washington Star.
The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1900-08-21
Subscription Price, So per Year.
cording to act Of Congress as Second
Glass Mail Matter.

The REVIEW is all Home Print: enjoys large
circulation. and is uneacelled as an adver-
tising medium.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-07-26
Sailing THE SHEEP.
|. A1cthod rhn. Has Given Genuine
Satisfaction to Ono Who Has
Tried 1t for Years.

would like to describe an apparatus
for Sailing cattle and other stock so
they will always have salt before them
and no waste. writes Joseph III. Yoder,
in the National StoclSman. For cattle
or horses | would prefer TO use rock
salt placeG,in boxes or troughs for the
winter and scattered about the pas
ture ON the grass in summer. Rains
have little effect upon it and this will
be found both convenient and econom-
zeal. For sheep, however, this pan
does not wor: so we'll. The rock sat- is
so slow TO dissolve that they are not
able to get sufficient amount of it to
satisfy their wants. hence it is ncccs-
sary to use the loose salt for them.
DUNG the winter bo. can be fastened
up at convenient place in the shed
and al the proper height so they can
haze access TO 1t at all times OF the day.
In summer if they have not n shed TO
run under the box can be fastened to a
gate post aud have a ROOF placed overit
so as to keep out the rain. If it is de-
sired 10 use loose salt for cattle the
same arrangements car he used as have
already been described for sheep. The
roof over the box should be high
enough to be entirely out of the way
of the animals. Where loose salt is
used ii is necessary to be careful to
keep supply in the box all the time, as
the animals arc liable to eat 90 much
if they go without. for several days
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-07-26
III. cont nn n slcr,,crd.

Sheep are too slow in their move
men.s to suit goats, Which cover more
ground in II day and are more inclined
10 herd in ORG bunch and less addict
I'd to scattering. When a few goats
are kept among sheep not herdcd, the
goats will often, for the sake of COM
pany. stay with the sheep. They are
useful in this connection, as goats al
most invariably come home at night
md sheep follow them in, thus often
avoiding the danger of having any of
The flock killed By dogs OF wild ami
mails at night. Sheep ard goats do not
nterbrecd and so can be allowed to
:pn together with impunity.-W. G..
Hughes, in Farm and Home.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-07-26
Saved His Life by Wh,s,linS

ST. Louis Republic: Danbury, Conn
Henry Fitch, young farmer living
at Mountain End, invited death for
himself and his two oxen the other
day by whisting.
Young Fitch is a whistler of much
ability. He has whistled at every
farmhouse and every gathering in the
neighborhood, and when he is whist
ling nobody cares to listen to piano,
violin, flute, guitar or banjo.
The other day Fitch was plowing in
his feld-plowing and whistling. Two
sleek, sleepy oxen We're drawing the
pillow, and neither they nor Fitch paid
any attention TO anything but the
blowing and the whistling.
Presently a swarm of thousands OF
honey bees lowered over them There
was no use to run-still less to fight
them, and Fitch simply kept on whist
ling and blowing, while the bees set
tied softly upon him and the oxen.
They seemed friendly enough as long
as Fitch whistled, and Fitch admits
that he was willing to whistle as long
as they remained friendly and seemed
inclined to listen.
Fitch continued to pillow along. His
patch led toward home, where he
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-07-26
sIumPs PULLED BY WIND POWER
Large Field Was cleared at Speed
Tint Mus Sururisiur.

1n0t W us Suftrlktuk.
Farmers Advocate: Utilizing the
wind as stump puller is an Oregon
invention. 1t was the idea OF the
farmer at the state penitentiary,
whose task was to clear six acres,
and with the.aid of the wind he
cleared the whole track in six weeks,
although the timber was IL dense
growth, the first measuring from one
to four feet in diameter The winds
in the quarter blew strong from the
south at this season.
The farmer put his men to work
on the north side of the fir grove.
They cut a log and dragged it close
to the north side OF the bases of the
fir trees that were to be- felled. The
preparations We're made during the
first day and then the men went
home and slept while the wind did tho
rest. During the night n strong south
wind blew the trees down and they,
in falling across the logs. pulled up
the taproots. The next day the men
sawed up the fallen trees, burned the
brush and laid their logs for another
lot of trees. They proceeded in this
way until the whole grove disap-
peared.
Missouri Valley times. [volume] (Missouri Valley, Iowa) 1874-1931, 1900-07-26
MIR. DOOLEY ON THE
CHINESE sITUA TON

Mcs.hern civilization was in IT y
bump. | n;nt. wanst wllin Il ohisErli
prize fighter come up III r-road an
Mint 20 sleep o.i si#vin's steps. soaae
in II good sthrong la;,6's come along
am they We're near bein' at blows over
who shud have his watch am Who
shud take his hat While they Mere
eicbatin' he woke up an began crttin'
loose With hands am feet, an whin he
cot through he made Il collection iv
tn things they dhropped in cscapin'
an marched calmly dow the sthreet.
Mehbe twill tur-rn out so in Chiny.
llinnisSy. | see by tn pa-apers that
hey'sc four hundred mllyons iv
thim boys. am be hivins! 'twuddcnr
surprise me it wllin they got through
,atin' us at home they might say tc
thiimsilves: Well. here gees f'r a
iaunt ar-round TIL worrnld.' III time
may come. ilinnissy, whin Yell lt
scilirtin watlser over Hop Lees shirt
while a man named Chow Flung kicks
Gown yc'cr sign ar heayes rocks
ttrouel, we're wirdy. III time may
come. llnnissv. Who lxnows?'
END ye-er hlHther." said licnncssAN
] .srhey Won't be amy Chinymen left
! within TIL lmp'sor Willum SITS
\ through.
"Mebbc not" said Mr.. Doolc... "Ile'<
2 sthron@ man. But TIL ChinNlnei
| have been on earth Il long time. am
4 don't see how we can push 80 laannN
/ iv THIN off it. AEnyhow. lis q goae
4 thing FIR us they amt GhristNan.
an haven't learned properly to sight
i 1. ,,,,,,