The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1900-03-25
Fun of the World.

| Mr. =, on such and such a day the
| German army will perform such and such
| movement. If that appears in the
- manning the paper you will be
SHOT. The news did not appear.
<
| Senator Vest of Missouri recently sent
a newspaper clipping 10 the secretary OF
the senate TO be read aloud for the bene-
| ut OF the members OF that body. The
| secretary held the clipping with the wrong
| side toward him, and instead OF reading
an editorial on the money question be-
gan: Ridiculous: We are giving away
these goods at half price The other
| side." cried Mr.. Vest
Z <
Mark Twain related in a recent address
that he once set out to ride from Hart
ford TO Boston on d bicycle, got tired
OF it after five miles and took an express
train. What time did you leave Hart
ford?' asked a friend in Boston. about
Z" What. And you don't mean you've
| ridden all the way ON your bicycle?'
Enough Of it," said Twain, TO prove 1t
| could be done"
< <
One of the officials at the British Colo
NAL office had occasion to consult Mar
wood, the executioner, as TO the most
rapid way of putting man out of ex-
istence. MarwoOd expressed himself in
| favor of what he professionally called
the long drop" and drove home his ar
gument by remarking: There was IL Mr.
Peace, now, small man; I gave him a
siX-foot drop. and 1 hassure you. sir,
he passed hoff like a summer heve'
x Z
Not long ago a public man who had
been made the central figure in rather
cutting cartoon complained TO Mark
Hanna about the illustration, saying that
he was half inclined to sue the paper for
$4,000 damages for holding him UP 10
public ridicule. Il wish you would" said
Senator Hanna; IF you can get 5000
for that picture it will insure my getting
about S25,eo0,000 for all the cartoons that
| have been printed about me-"
< x Z
The Liverpool Post says that firm in
Liverpool, being delighted at the idea
that one of its employees was called upon
to join the reserves, at once volunteered
to pay half his wages to his wife in his
| absence. At the end of the month the
woman appeared, and the moiety was at
once given her.
WHAT" she said -Four pounds?"
Yes" replied the senior partner, that
is exactly half; sorry you are not salts
fed
ut isn't that I'm not satisfied. Why.
for years he has told me he only got Is
shillings altogether, and-and-if the
Beers don't kill him I will"
4 x
President Kruger, when Jews first be-
gan to flock to Pretoria, was unfavorably
disposed toward them and used them Sc
verely, but after a time relented, and
finally gave them leave to build a syna-
gOgue. They were grateful, and when
the synagogue was built they asked him
to come and open it. The old man ac-
cepted the invitation, and. standing on
the platform, duly said: In the name
of the Father, and of the Son, and Of
the Holy Ghost, declare this synagogue
opened. Now, my friends, 1 hope you
will lose no time IN becoming converted -
z < x 4
A Kansas man was waylaid by high
waymen. He fought furiously. laying out
four of his assailants before he was
| knocked senseless and overpowered. On
rifiing his pockets, the robbers found only
10 cents. Great heavens!' said one of
them, as he gazed at the dime, IF he
had had half dollar we would all have
been murdered
x Z z x
The proprietor of a Glasgow shipyard
having heard that his men did not start
work at the appointed time, recently paid
at half past six in the morning. He
caught sight of joiner idling in the
yard, with his kit unopened, and asked
his name. Being informed that II was
Malcolm Campbell. the shipbuilder called
the man into the office, handed him four
days pay and told him to leave at once
When the joiner had departed the head
Of the establishment went 10 the foreman
and told him that he had made an ex-
ample of Malcolm Campbell by paying
him off for not starting his work at the
proper time. Great Scott!" exclaimed
the foreman; that man was only looking
for a job!'
aE x
Colonel Roosevelt IS always glad OF a.
laugh. A short time ago he enjoyed an
opportunity and paid for it.
The incident happened while he was
visiting Cornell University during a con-
vention The students, glad of a chance
to display their enthusiasm. entertained
the governor at one of the fraternity
houses. Just as he was about to leave
one of the staff said to him:
Governor, the boys have the founda-
ton Of a capital library, ard ] think
they would appreciate a copy Of your
Rough Riders"
All right. boys" said the governor,
heartily, IN be glad 10 send you a copy
with my compliments The book would
be but small return for your hospital
ity."
Whereupon one Of the students broke
in excitedly:
That's 80, governor; I've read it."
K K
James Russell Lowell was great stu
dent of dialect. one day while m En-
gland he entered a South Shields reStau-
I'D Z
Shields yokel. who had been walking
and whose feet were tired
Waiter" he said, bring me a steak
and fried potatoes"
The yokel leaned MS elbows upon the
table. Bring me gan. tee" he said.
Bring me a cup OF coffee and rolls"
continued Lowell.
Bring me yan. tee" said the yokeL
And John, You may bring me a boot
Jack"
Bring me yan. tee" added the yokel
why, what on earth can you want
with a bootjack?" asked Lowell. su--
prised into asking the question. The re-
tort nearly took away his 0reata- Can
away, - fuie. said the yokel; dye
think I Gamma eat a boOtjack a. well as
YEP
zzz
At the time when the war With spain
had been brought 70 succeEsfui close.
says a contributor 70 the Drawer" IN
"I4arpeTs' a number Of statesmen wers
discussing the future q the country over
their cigars il WaShinSfoE- A. issf ore
enthusiast exclaimed Addressing himself
20 the most DroZ1inen. u1embegs y tae
group.
In nay opinion we are drifting directly
toward imperialism. and you. sir. aEga,8
b. the first emperor.
NO. i / know g." draEle5 tie great
nan. I am not fool enough % want
20 BE- the first emperor - a Safl1a q
sucn good shots"