davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
JINcLes AND JEsTs.

Sllicus-"A womans troubles are
always extreme" Cynicus--"Yes;
shoes and hats.
There is a chance for some genius
To spend his days in clover
BY inventing cloth for overcoats
That will fade alike all over.
Chicago News.
"I may have wheels" said the
driver of the van, "but move in the
best society. "-Philadelphia Evening
Bulletin.
Hoax" Salary been reduced, eh?
That's hard luck. Made you feel
mad, didn't it?" Joax -"No, but it
made me feel cheap"
fear he will not rise to fame;
He has indeed a studiOus bent,
But all with ease may read his namo
Whene'er he signs document.
Washington STAR
Maude-"Hava Bella and Jack had
a new quarrelP" Lena-"Oh, mol
but they've patched up their old one
till it's about as good as new. -
Puck.
The Amiable Plutocrat - "But
riches do not bring happiness" The
Unamiable Pauper - "But I ain't
lookin' for happiness. All I want is
comfort. indianapolis Journal.
Judge-"Have you anything to say
before the court passes sentence?"
Prisoner-"W We'll, all I've got to say
as, hope you'll consider the extreme
youth of my lawyer, and let me of
easy"
Little Edgar-"Pa, what's lineal
descendants" Pa-"He is generally
some one who is trying to get through
the world on a reputation somebody
made before he was born. "-Chicago
Times Herald.
81 see by the newspapers" re.
marked Reeder, 'that the miners in
the Klondike are sending out appeals
for wives. "Is that SOP" calculated
Hennypeck, in an eager whisper.
"They can have mine.
you are not Opaque. are you?"
sarcastically asked one man of another
who was standing in front of him at
the theatre. "Faith, an Ohm not, /"
replied the other. TITS O'Bren thot
Oh am. "-Chicago News.
Each man is apt to deem, we're told,
That fellowman his friend
Who never asks to borrow gold,
But bas some he will lend.
--Elliotfs Magazine.
They were engaged. "Life," she
said, as she arose from the piano
stool, will be one long, sweet song
after we are married. "That settles
it, then, firmly responded her lover,
as he picked up his hat aud took hiS
departure. Ohio State Journal.
GAS I understand it," says Mrs,
Gazzam, "by the wireless telegraph
system the messages go right through
the air we. breathe" eyes, thatis cor
rect" assented Mr. Gazzem. "Then
person who has just filed message
in the telegraph Office may swallow
his own words on his way home. >
Harper's Bazaar.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
He Found His Pen.

A literary man, who was compelled
by circumstances to use his family
sitting-room as q study, missed his
penholder one evening while absorbed
in writing a story.
He looked over his desk, through
the pigeon-holes and in the drawers,
but it was nowhere in sight. 1t was
not on the floor. He felt behind his
ear. It was not there.
"shis is what comes" he said, i'm.
patiently, "of trying to work where
there is houseful of children. Which
one of you has taken my penn"
The children looked at each other
and laughed. He became irritated.
''I don't want any foolisness," he
exclaimed. where's that penP Who
has taken it?'
After a pause one Of the children
said, slyly:
IF you'll laugh, papa, you will
find it..
He stared at her in astonishment.
Then as her meaning slowly broke in
upon him, he joined in the laugh, and
the penholder fell out of his mouth,
where it had been all the time.
How many of the little difficulties
of this life one can extricate himself
from by a laughl--Detroit Free Press.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
A coMlcAL WORLD.

"sueb comical world" said the Funny
Man,
And he laughed, "Ha-hal He-hel
How people can keep from laughing aloud
Is really mystery to me-
''Now the sun arises in early morn,
Aud that il 50 funny TO me;
Why It doesn't wait till people are up
Is funny as funny can be.
"And the moon and the stars prowl around
at nigh.
When the people are all in bed"
and he laughed, "Ha-hal He.hel"
And shook from his toes to his head.
"Why. tho brooks are always running
down hill.
And (Which seems 80 funny to me),
They never climb back, yet never run dry;
Which is funny as funny can be.
and another thing that Is comical, too,
The rivers run into the seal
But IL never runs DER or fuller gets,
Which also seems funny to me.
"And the higher you climb up the noun
tain tall,
And tue nearer the sun," said he,
'The colder it grows, and that, too, I'm
sure,
Il funny as funny can be.
"suGb comical worldg' said the Funny
Man,
And he laughed, "Ha-ha He-hel
How people can keep from laughing aloud
Is really a mystery to me-"
DETROIT Free Press.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
rhe Feminine Obseryer.

Women desire sympathy; men pre-.
fer help.
What a lot of trouble we could avoid
if we only learned not to worryP
The average young man of the day
thinks himself about fifty years ahead
OF the times.
Many really worldly women cannot
overcome their nervousness at the ar
rival of a telegram.
1t is either the very young woman
or the one who feels youth creeping
away from her that treasures clip
pings of poetry.
A woman is quick to believe a man
cares for her, but q man never seems
to be quite convinced that a woman
loves him until she wearies him with
hcr affection.
A woman can write the most exact
ing essay in an awfully cramped posi-
tion and with a perfect terror of fapen;
a man, on the other hand, must have
the most felicitous environment to be
able to even receipt bill.-Philadel'
phia Times.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
APHoRlsMs oF coNEuclus.

Have no friends not equal to your
self.
What truly is within will be mani
fest without.
When you have faults do not fear
to abandon them.
To see what is right and not to do
it is want Of courage.
Benevolence is to love all men--
knowledge to know all men.
Hold faithfulness, truthfulness and
sincerity as first principles.
Between friends frequent reproof
makes the friendship distant.
Virtue is not left to stand alone; he
who practices it will have neighbors.
Wealth gotten by improper ways
will take its departure in the same
way,
He who speaks without modesty
will find it difficult to make his words
good.
If man take no thought about
what is distant he will find sorrow in
store.
Learning without thought is labor
lost; thought without learning is
perilous.
The superior man is satisfied and
composed; the mean man is always
full of distress.
The superior man has digni6ed ease
without pride; the mean man has
pride without dignifed ease.
Men of principle are sure to be
bold, but those who are bold may
not always be men of principle.
See what a man does, mark his mo-
tive, examine in what he rests; how
can a man conceal his character?
To be true to the principles of our
nature and the benevolent exercise of
them to others-this and nothing
more.
When you know a thing, to hold
that you know it, and when you do
not know a thing, to allow that you
do not know it--this is knowledge.
What is the good of being ready
with the tongue? They who meet
men with smartness of speech for the
most part procure for themselves
| hatred.
To be able to practice FIVE things
everywhere under the heaven consti-
tutes perfect gravity, gener-
osity of soul, sincerity, kindness and
earnestness.
Ornament is as substance and sub
stance is as ornament The hide Of
tiger or leopard stripped of its hair
is like the hide of a dog or goat
stripped of its hair.
The superior man has neither an
xiety nor fear. When internal exam
ination discovers nothing wrong,
what is there to be anxious about
what is there to fear?
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
A DEvoNsHIRE WITNESS.
He Didn't Mention His LOrGshIp's
Name Rt All.

He Didn't Mention His LOrashIp's
Name Rt ALL
The difficulty Of discriminating be-
tween the first and third persons las
been amusingly illustrated by the late
Lord Iddesleigh, who used to be fond
of telling Devonshire stories, says the
Westminster Gazette. One Of his ia
vorite ones was of a Devonshire farmer
who was a witness in horse stealing
case. Tell us what you know about
this case" said the prosecuting coun-
sci, We'll, zur," was the reply, II zeed
the prisoner and / zed to he, how
about that 'oss, and he zed he didn't
know mort about the 'oss." mo, no"
the counsel said, "he didn't say he
knew nothing about the horse he didn't
speak to you in the third person" Beg
your pardon, zur," said the witness,
there wasn't no third person present,
only him and me-" you don't under
stand what | mean" was the counsel's
petulant reply. HE spoke to you In
the first person" 'You'm wrong
agen, said the witness Il was the
fust pusson as spoke to he" At this
point the Judge intervened and put the
question himself You saw the pris-
oner and you said HOW about that
horse?' and the prisoner answered: 1
know nothing about the horse - Fl"
Il beg pardon, my lord" said the wit
ness. He didn't mention your lord
ships name at all"
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
pURIED TWO HUSBANDS.
Washington Widow Disposed of Her
Partners In Short order.

Washington Widow Disposed OF ueF
Partners In Short Ordor
From the Washington Star: I'VE
have had double funerals without num-
Der, Of husband and wife, sister and
sister, brother and brother" explained
an attache of a cemetery near the sol
diers home to a reporter, but a fun
eral here recently seems to surpass
them all. There are several men who
have three and four wives buried in
this and similar cases in other GEM
eteries, as wen as a number of women
who have from two to as many, in one
instance at least, as five husbands. The
case that refer TO as being somewhat
new is not of the kind referred to, for
there was lapse Of time between the
funerals of the husbands and wives
spoken of, but a case where a lady bur-
led two husbands at the same time.
And she was not a Mormon either.
Her first husband died in August, and
his remains we're temporarily placed
in the vault
"The will and certain directions left
by the husband for business and other
reasons, directed that If it could be
satisfactorily arranged the widow
should marry the business associate
and particular friend of the deceased.
In less than three weeks, under these
circumstances, the widow married . ,
gentleman referred to, who In less than
three days was confined to his bed by
an illness that in three weeks proved
fatal. The doubly endowed widow ar
ranged for his funeral, and at the same
time gave orders that her first hus-
bands remains, which had been left
in the vault temporarily, should be in
TERED by his side at the same time
Two graves were dug and both were
buried at the same time. Their collins
were Identical, as we'll as were the
floral decorations, which were rather
elaborate. 1t was the first time In my
experience that ever saw OF even
heard OF a widow burying two hus-
bands at the same time, though it may
have happened elsewhere. The wild
ow has arranged that she shall be bur
led beside them, the first husband to
be on her left"
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
A Globe Trotter.

Customer (Backhampstead, Ct)-
Wal, don't know about that calico;
think I've seed better. Storekeeper-
Nancy Jane Bosworth, there amt no
better calico than that on airth!
know-for l have Travelled! l have
been to Springfield, l have been to
Hartford, and l have been to New
Haven! In fact, Nancy Jane Bos-
worth, have travelled this wide world
over! So you can safely take my
judgment bout that alico!-Puck.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
Gatacre as a Martinez.

As might be expected, after the
disaster that has befallen his army in
South Africa, the English newspapers
are full of stories about General Cat
acre, and the fact that almost all of
them are good.natured speaks well
for his general reputation. One Of
the best of them comes from
India, where he earned his expressive
nickname of "Backacre" from the
wearied Mr.. Atkins. There had been
a field day, with Gatacre in command,
and the troops, in full marching
order, had been marched and counter
marched, uphill and down-hill, had
deployed, skirmished, charged, re-
treated and rallied until their legs al
most refused to carry them any longer,
Deadbeat, they we're at last allowed
to 60 into camp, and then it was that
the following conversation occurred
between two disgusted Tommys;
"Tired, Bill?" asked the first some.
what superhuously. "Oh, mol OF
course not?" replied number two
sarcastically. "Well," said the other,
"what are you going to do?" Dor
came the reply, with intense scorn;
"why, as soon as I've 'ad a bit of u
wash I mean to 60 out for a nice little
walk" The dialogue was overheard,
and has caused merriment at many
mess.table.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27

gan Division OF the League Of Ameri-
can Wheelmen, one Of the most inn
portant measures was the adoption of
a resolution calling upon the Governor
to use the State convicts in the build
ing and maintenance Of roads. The
Secretary was instructed to have 5000
petitions to this effect printed and cir.
culated throughout the State. The
good roads movement IS the most i'm
portant part OF the work Of this divis
ion, and it numbers among its officers
several who are experts on road build.
ing. The report of the Secretary
Treasurer showed the division TO he
in healthy financial condition.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
Carrying Logs Across a Chasm.

Eurore's unique transportation wey
is the Forst Rope Road. In the can
ton of Grisons, on the dizzy preci'
pice of Via Mala (the bad way, a
deep defle of Switzerland along the
upper Rhine, walled in by precipices
in some places 1900 feet high, it is so
difficult to get the felled trees across
the valley that a wire rope railway
hangs from the mountain top across
the valley down TO Rongellen. To
this cable are fastened big logs by
rope and pulley, which slowly are
carried across the valley. When SO.
we're storms sweep down from the
mountain passes, frequently the sys-
tenn gets tangled, and then it is neces-
sary for some one to make the perilous
journey out on the rope to unravel
the mass. - -
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
AccentnbIeq

should say so; they all say the same
too, when they get them. Who is there
that would refuse such works OF art when
they can get them for almost nothing.
Ask your grocer for a coupon book, which
will enable you to get one large lOc. pack
age Of "Red Cross" starch one large 1Oc.
package of "Hubinger's Best" starch with
tho premiums, two Shakespeare panels,
printed in twelve beautiful colors, as nat
ural as life, or one Twentieth Century Girl
calendar, the finest Of its kind ever printed
oil for Be.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
70 GUARD QUEEN VICTORIA.
Horsea Of Royal stable Taught Not TO
Fear Automobiles.

Horsea Of Royal stable Taught Not TO
Fear Automobiles.
Few lives in this world are watched
with such care as Queen Victoria's,
and those OF the members OF the royal
family. This is an old saying, but IT.
is particularly true in the case of what
might be called automobiism, which
as yet is only hobby in England. Still
steps have just been taken to protect
her majesty from any danger while
driving through the use of automo-
biles. All the horses in the royal sta
BILE have been drilled in the presence
of an automobile. The horses in the
three stable yards at Windsor we're
first led and then driven around a sta
tionary car. Then the car was pro-
PEELED around the horses. Finally the
car was moved between the horses in
a dangerous way as they stood near
each other. The automobilist finally
made the car as Objectionable as pos
sible. The horses were very amenable,
as they had already been schooled to
such noises as the playing OF bands,
the noise of cannon and railroad trains
and the cheering of crowds. The best
bred horses proved to be the least sem
sitive to the novelty, a pure bred Arab
stallion showing the least concern OF
all.-New York Sun.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
Hmm Thin

Wo offer One Hundred Dollars Reward for
any case of Catarrh that cannot be cured BY
Halls Catarrh Cure.
L, j. CHENEY q Co., Props, Toledo, o.
We, the undersigned, have known +. j. Che
ney for the last II years, and believe him per-
fectly honorable in all business transactions
tlon made by their firm.
Ohio.
Druggists, Toledo, Ohio.
nall's Catarrh Cureis taken internally, Aot-
Ing directly upon the blood and mucous sur
faces. Of the system. Price, 15c per bottle.
Bold by al Druggists. Testimonials free.
Halls Family Pills are the best
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
An AnoIant Tree.

The Oldest tree on earth with an au-
thenticated history is the great bhoo
tree OF Burmah For twenty centuries
it has been held sacred to the Buddha,
and no person is allowed to touch the
trunk. When the leaves fall they
carried away as relics by pilgrims.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
HIGH Rent

The late Cornelius Vanderbilt, while
passing two winters in Washington,
paid the largest rent known in that
city, where all reI.ts are high. He gave
S2.500 month for his house.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
Cold Comfort.

Mr.. slimpurse-To---to tell the truth,
am IA little afraid to ask your
father for your hand. Miss Chargt-
Oh, you needn't worry. He says am
rulnously extrnvagant.-NeW York
Weekly.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27

PUTNAM FADELEss DYES do not spot, streak
or give your goods an unevenly dyed up
pearRnce. Sold by all druggists.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27

can recommend Piso's Cure for Consump~
ton to sufferers from Asthma,-E. d. ToWG-l
SEND Ft. Howard, Wis. MAJ 4, 1894.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27

A largo cotton mill is being erected IN
Mexico at Atotonilco on the line Of the In
ter-Oeeanic Railroad.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27

The 1899 production OF beet-sugar in Min
nesota was 4,34O. 1866 pounds. on which the
State paid bounty Of $4,000.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27

Russia in Europe has forest area Of about
500 600, 900 acres. One-thrd OF the countryy
indeed, is forest.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27

Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup for children
teethinR softens the gums reducing ginhammagi
ton, allays pain, cures wind collie. 25c. bottle.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27
Benefit Of Good Roads to Farmers.

Benefit OF Good Roads to Farmers.
The argument used on the farmers
TO favor some measure for good roads
in their respective States is the esti-
mated cost of transporting farm prod
ucts over poor roads. The estimate
emanates from the United States De-
partment of Agriculture and was furn-
ished to Otto Dorner, of Milwaukee,
Wis. 1t is estimated that the cost
per ton of transporting the farm prod
ucts of 1895 was SO. 02 per ton. This
amounted in that year to $946, Ala, 665.
In seeking to show the immenslty of
the charge the sum is compared with
the total values of all farm products
in the United States in 1890, which
were S2, AGO, 179, 454. The average
costs of hauling one ton one mile was
25 cents. The cost of hauling crops
on improved roads in Europe is (per
ton per mile) In England, 10 cents;
France, 10 cents; Germany, 81 cents;
Belgium, 81 cents; Italy, u cents;
Switzerland, a mountainous country,
8 cents. It is authoritatively stated
that two-thirds Of the cost in the
United States OF hauling one years
crop, $946, Ala, ,665, is attributable to
bad or inferior roads.
Want Convict Labor ON Roads.
At the annual meeting of the Michi-
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27

The Womans West Side Republican Club,
of New York, has undertaken to see that the
Raines liquor law is enforced on Sunday.
The suburban citizen., 1900-01-27

Want Convict Labor ON Roads.
At the annual meeting of the Michi-
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1900-04-17

IN, ,n u.r,,ssiars a. % rssss 80
.ns eoai~s II {. ". X pabisrs
g.. ,. COiLE, ". ~ - AZ.
Asst Gen. Pass. Axt. Ass.sff,A 49,
Nsneoussf. u. 6. sps~So - =
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1900-01-25
KeIley's FerrJ.
Special to the News:

Special to the News:
1t would be useless to say that Willie
Hartman is very much admired but MS
boouat won Tor nim the regard OF the
urls. Where ID you purchase su;h
one Will.
Some OF our merry lads and laS~cs
spsnL Sunday evening boat riding ana
they had very nico time.
Misses Nellia, Carrie and Minnie
Hartman were J4e,gu SIS of Miss Matte
Nowsom Sunday,
Mr. j. H. R;chey, of Stanley, was
visiting his brother, r, +. Ricuey, at
this place Sunday.
John McNabb spent Friday at Isaa all
Newsonl's
Mrs. Addio Richey was the guest OF
her mother Sunday.
Ask Captain Kelly Hartman who was
tue young lady he took home with him
for dinner sunday and if ne don't
laugh he will make you think you will
Allen MeNabb, Of Savannah went to
see his best girl Sunday.
What made g. S. Brown 20 down the
river To meet the steamer, N Is. Forest,
Sunday.
Miss Willie Foster returned Friday
from Shellmound whore shs had spent
pleasant week.
J. C. Bible went to McNabb Mines
Sunday. Somebody had better watch
Jake or they will get beat.
Silas Anderson and wife wore visiting
relatives at McNabb mines yesterday.
Messrs Isiah and James Newson and
Alex Richey left Monday an a hunting
expedition.
Miss Liza Sexton, Of McNabb Mines
was in this part Monday
Mes5rs R and James Massey and NJ
Hartman won't TO Chattanooga Saturday
Mrs William McNabb, of Savannah,
passed through mis- section Monday.
Thomas Sexton says that either Miss
Cora or Miss Nette can bake his bread
| for him if he has any 10 bake, and ho is
! sure to have Somo wuilG the steam boa Is
+ can 90 through; but whom the river gets
too low for boats | don't know about the
/ bread then
Mrs Julia Nowsom and daughter spent
a pleasant day at NJ Ransom's last
! Thursday
Miss Belinda Hicks has been very
sick but is better at this writing,
Another wedding is expected soon,
Miss Netiie Ellis is visiting her sis
| ter, Mrs r Massey at this place
Mrs Nancy Anderson was the guest oil
Mrs A J Hicks Sunday,
A good motto "Do not interrupt others
while speaking but listen patiently un-
! till they have finished, and remember
| that the good listener is generally more
| appreciated that the clever talker,"
ETHEL
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1900-01-25
THURSDAY, JAN. 25. 1900.
CHS Paper
One Year.
Yarn Journal.
five Years.
Pay up and get Both PAYERS for
the Prize Of One.

We want to get 1000 subscribers to
our paper by New Years, and are going
to do it If we can; we therefore contn-
ne our arrangement with the Farm
journal by which we can send The
NEWS one year and the Farm journal 5
years, both for 5Oo. And we make the
the same offer to all old subscribers who
will pay all arrearages and one year in
advance.
You know what our paper is and the
Farm journal is gem-practical pro-
gresslVe-a clean, honest, useful paper
full of gunption, full of sunshine,
with an immense circulation among tho
best people everywhere. YOU OUGHT
TO TAKE IT.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1900-01-25
Springdale.

SpSSAaA W VIC NEWS
James Bible, of Pleasant Grove,
passed through Springdale last Mon.
day.
w. A. Alder returned home from
Mullen's Cove Sunday where he had
been for some time visiting his broth
er-in-law, Mr., Nathan Ellis who is
very sick.
ID. D. Lewis was visiting at w. G.
Spangler's last Sunday.
VIM. Hale and family, from near
Whiteside. was visiting ut S. H.
Vinzant's last week.
w. G. Moore returned home from
Shellmound last Saturday where he
has been engaged in teaching a sing
ing school
Sam Kilgore and wife, of Caroline
Chapel, were visiting at d. Il. Chau-
doin's last Saturday and Sunday.
b. Alder, who has been quite sick,
is convalescent.
Monroe Griffith, of Caroline Chap
ell, was visiting J. E. Turner last
Friday.
Mrs Wiley Spangler and family
where visiting at r. f. Rogers last
Sunday.
c. C. Alder went to Jasper last
Friday.
Mr. and Mrs. H. G. Harris attend
ed church at Caroline Chapel.
J. e. Turner and family were
visiting at r. F. Rogers last Sunday.
D. D. Lewis went to Victoria last
Monday,
G. C. Alder went to South Pitts
burg Tuesday.
J. Z. and D. A. Kilgore attended
church at Caroline Chapel last Sun
day.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1900-01-25

The Farm Journal is cheap but not
too cheap TO be good: it is full Of 81 niger
and gumption, and has as many other
good things in it that you can use as
any paper at any price. We have a
clubbing arrangement by which the
News is sent one year, and the Farm
journal five years, (bal. of 1900, 1901,
1902, 1908 and 1900 both for 50 cents.
Pay in advance and get two big prizes.