The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1900-12-17
THE SCHEMES OF CRANES
Callers Who Present Impractical
Plans to the Commissioners.
People Persistent fn Their COM
plants and Confident of Success in
Visionary PrOjects-Thc Man Who
Writes Letters-WO.~en Worry the
Asthorities -ImprovinE the Ma,f.

Among the people who call upon the
District Commissioners from time to time
are q few SO persistent in their COM
plants or their claims upon the authori-
ties that they are designated cranks.
Despite the care exercised by messer gers.
elevator boys, and private secretaries,
these people sometimes reach the indi-
ridual Commissioner and pour into his
ear repeatedly their tales of woe. The
cranks are we'll known at the District
Building, but as a class they are ire
pressiblc, and some of them have an
noyed the Commissioners for years.
The most harmless of his class is the
writing crank. He does not call. at least.
more than once, but contents himself
with addressing letters to the Commits
sioners. His communications are a mix
ture Of rhetorical giant powder and dyna-
mite, in which the Commissioners are
told numerous edifying truths about
themselves and their incompetence in
running the District Government. One of
these some time since went away from
the city to spend his vacation. and in his
cuted an improvement in the street in
front of his home. The paving in some
manner displeased the man. and ever
since he has been writing to the Commits
sioners making preposterous claims and
insisting that he should be relieved from
the payment OF the assessment against
the property for the improvement. be-
cause IL was not done to suit him. IT was
long ago explained to him that the work
N in
compliance with the plans adopted by the
Engineer Department under the terms of
the law. Moreover. IL has been shown
that the neighbors of this man are salts
fed with the work and have paid their as
sessments without murmur.
:. This crank began by requesting that the
work be done over. When it was ex-
planned to him that 1t could not be done
without breaking the continuity of the
work and greatly injuring it he abused the
authorities, charging that they had taken
advantage of his absence to perform the
work in an inferior manner and were now
seeking 20 make him pay for first-class
work. Then he bethought him Of another
plan of attack and wrote to the Commits
sioners requesting that they pay the bill
and relieve him from responsibility in the
matter. Failing in this, he again opened
the fioodgates of abuse and amused him
self, as well as the Commissioners for
some time giving expression to ideas that
would be a disgrace to the old woman of
Eiliingsgate.
The most annoying of the cranks is he
who conceiyes some plan of municipal re-
form utterly impracticable and visionary,
and who seeks on all occasions TO advance
his views, and calls upon the Commission
ers every week or two to talk il over with
them. There is one such man who has had
the repeal of the law relating to interest
1s- al -r,rnl
his mind SO long that il has become a
hobby with him. He attends hearings be-
fore the Board of Commissioners and
whenever he can get the floor opens up
with TRADE against what he conceives
10 be covert system OF robbery. He de-
clares that the law violates the rights of
freemen spells. their patriotism, and de-
grades their manhood. He charges trea
son against those who make and uphold
The law and clamors for its repeal in Ian
guage reeking with gall and bitterness.
Another crank is the one who has in
vented a valuable machine and wants |
money to place ii upon the market. He
gains adlnittance to the Commissioners at
least once when some chance remark in 1
spires focd of hope. He comes again |
ard again TO present his claims, and 10 |
ask for the loan which. of course cannot |
be given. 1t is with such as these that |
the ingenuity OF attendants is sometimes |
exhausted in attempts to make it clear to |
the caller that the Commissioners cannot |
be seen. Finally. the crank sees that he |
is not wanted and he turns upon the sec |
rotary or messenger, OF whoever may be |
present with TRADE OF abuse that at \
times requires his removal from the |
building by force.
The female crank also invades the Dis |
trict Building. and relies upon the help |
lessness Of her sex to accomplish some |
impraeticable object upon which she has |
set her mind. One OF this kind lives in |
large and palatial home left her by her
late husband. Beside her house few
years ago old buildings were torn down
and in their place was erected large |
apartment house. towering several stories
above the widows home. During the |
building and afterward the lady in ques-
tion thought that her house settled, that |
the doors frames were racked. and |
the clustering cracked. Her complaints |
to the Commissioners were investigated |
by inspectors from the Office OF the Build
ing Inspector. and were found groundless. |
The walls of the house had not settled.
according to their report, and there was |
nothing the District could do to give re- |
lief to the complainant. But she was not |
satisfied, and has been pursuing her COM
plants for years and seeking in one way
and another to interest friends and have
Commissioners. Her grievance now is
against the Inspector of Buildings, on the |
ground that he deceived the Commission
ers in his report of the facts in the case.
Another woman of the District has
mild mania for CALM upon the Commits
sioners, with no ostensible object In view.
She comes in quietly. waits her turn to be
ushered into the private Office. sits awhile
talking aimlessly about things connected
with the District she does not understand,
and finally leavns. Her idea seems to be
TO make a soci4-l call. and possibly to tell
her friends nfterwaro of the visit she has
made TO the Commissioners.
Another crank of recent Appearance is
the man who has new scheme by which
TO beautify the Mall There are two or
three Of these men who have discovered
schemes which they think vastly surpass
all those heretofore thought of. Each is
anxious to secure the approval OF his
scheme SO that he may take IL before
the committees a: the Capitol and say
that II has the sanction of the Commits |
There is really nothing new in
these plans. They all look to the pur-
chase of property on the south side OF
Avenue and the construction
of avenues and roadways through the Mall
to its upper end. The plans are Grade
and II is doubtful whether they could De
worked out so as to accomplish what is |
sought. But just now the Mall is a fav-
orife topic w he cranks. II
he cd tri fr,n.t