The Washington weekly post. (Washington, D.C.) 1878-1916, 1900-10-09
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Two years before the outbreak Of the
France-Prussian war and the downfall Of
the last Napoleon an American named
James Blrnsy landed In Paris from New
York. He vas what might be called
general utility man. He had been a small
merchant in Michigan. a bookkeeper in
Ohio. a manufacturer in Indiana and an
editor in Iowa He wis a good-naiured-
sasy-going man. taking life as he found
II and making no kicks. II he got dol
lar ahead be would find some new excuse
10 get rid % 4; II he was behind the
game his creditors would have TO extend
his account Nobody called him smart.
but everybody said be had strong fund
Of humor and philosophy.
When q man In Cincinnati invented
bullet-prOof vest Mr. Birney somehow got
hold of the European agrncy-that Is, he
went 10 Paris al least TO bring the patent
directly TO the attention OF the French
Emperor. who was always on the lookout
for military novelties The Americans
cheek and persisteney secured him an au-
dience after weeks OF red tape, He had
insisted that he would not deal with the
minister OF war or any other official. and
was at last granted an audience with the
Emperor 1t was In the war Office, and
several cabinet officials were present. A
musket was lying on a table, and Napo-
leon greeted the agent with:
We'll. sir, what about this bulet-pro0f
vestg'
II have II here. your majesty" was the
reply as the vest was held up to view.
Put Il on"
with pleasure
"Now 20 to the farther end Of the room. ="
Certainly, your majesty"
Now. SIR continued the Emperor, as
he lifted up the musket, L am going 10
fire at your breast Are you willing 10
take the ehanees?"
Fire away" was the reply,
The Emperor fired, and although the
bullet did not penetrate the shield the
force OF it knocked Birney head over
heels and put him out for the next ten
minutes. While IL was decided that the
vest was not a success, the American
nerve excited such admiration that he was
given a handsome present in cash and
graciously dismissed. He seemed to want
to say something to the Emperor before
he left the room, out did not have the op-
he bobbed up at the war Office for an in
terview with the minister.
1T is no USE" said that official. as he
gave him a minute. ''Ths Emperor has de-
cided that he will not buy the vest"
Il knew that yesterday, OF course" re-
piled Birney. Il am not here about the
vest, but altogether another thing. The
fact Is / do not Ike Napoleon's nose, ana
l want to improve it,"
Mon Dieu! man. but what do you say?"
exclaimed the minister as he sprang 10
his feet.
II say that the Emperor's nose is off
and that can improve Ii. wanted to tell
him so the other day. but he hustled me
out too quick. Can you bring about anoth-
er interview"
THE Enlperor's nose? You say It is
wrong? You say you can fix it? Man,
what mean you?"
II mean just what | say" calmly replied
Birney. Il am not surgeon, but several
years ago l invented a little attachment
TO cure badly shaped nose. 1t has been
tried in half dozen cases and proved it
self big success. / brought one alons
with me, not knowing what I might run
up against, and If yen will give the EN-
peror hint"
Mon pieu' Mon Dieur' gasped the
minister as he looked at the American
with wonder and terror in his eyes Then
you have gone crazy! You are out of your
mind. You know not what you say"
Il am all right from head to heel my
dear sir, and can't understand your agi
tation What's the matter with my scheme
for improving Napoleon's nose?"
The minister rang his bell with nervous
hand, and a minute later Birney was out
on the sidewalk with a flea In his ear
that is, he was told to take himself off OF
he would be locked Up as an insane per-
son. 1t was rather a setback for him, and
1t took him a day or two 10 get over Il,
but he finally came UP smiling. II the
minister would not help him out, there
were other officials who would. He tried
TWO or three OF them, with the result that
he was eventually hailed before the chief