Little Falls herald. [volume] (Little Falls, Morrison County, Minn.) 1889-1950, 1900-03-16
WHAT A CIGAR DID.
4 TERRIBLE WARNING TO ALL MEN
WITH FLOWING MUSTACHES.

How m Un1ucky Individual Had His
Or Completely and Succeeded In
Making an Awful Hit.
In lighting the short stub of cigar
the west end man with the huge, flowing
mustache absentmindedly burned away
about half an inch of one end of that hir-
suite adQrnment He studied the effect
in the glass.
1T makes my dial, look lopsided,' he
unused. 1T gives me the appearance of
having a list to starboard. 1t looks like
nothing doing on the port side of my
map. stand in danger of careening
to the right in the first squall that strikes
me. II | get that right side trimmed to
match the left side, the whole outhtll
look stubby and bristly, la New York
COP. Wherefore I'll have the whole durn-
ed thing shaved off, and if make hit
among my friends and relatives that
way, I'll keep it off altogether. I'm good
looking enough anyhow to go without
mustache. Anyhow l understand it's the
distangy kink to go mustacheless nova
] days"
The man had worn mustache for 20
! years-ever since that remote day when
his father had given him night key.
That had made him SO proud and exuit-
ant that he Immediately began to cajole
his upper lip, and he'd worn the mus
tache ever since. His wife had never
seen him without mustache.
The man chuckled inwardly as he told
his barber to take off the mustache.
"There's an extradition treaty now
with Canada, you know" said the bar
Der familiarly.
"Oh, I'm not fixing to elope with my
firms roll,'' replied the man. I'm just
curious to ascertain what brand of manly
| beauty l possess without this breeze in
viter, that's ALL
When the operation was over, and the
man rose up in the BARRIERS chair, he
studied himself in the glass obviously.
Jogging his head from side to side.
! What do you think of it?' inquired
the barber.
II think I'll camp here until after
dark" replied the man.
But this was impracticable. So he
went FORTH
Hello, there, JIM" said he to the first
friend he met.
! His friend gazed; at him out of the tail
of his eye in passing.
| "Ha, ha! Don't recognize me, hay?"
said the man, with forced glee.
His friend wheeled and examined him
carefully. Then he put his hands to his
sides and shrieked with laughter.
what the dickens is the matter with
you, anyhow, you idiotW inquired the
mustacheless man, a trife mifed.
"Oh, nothing" replied his friend, be-
tween gasps Nothing at all-except
that if had that face I'd black up"
"How are you, Tom?' said the barber
ed man to the next friend he met.
Friend No. 2 looked at him coldly.
"Guess you're mistaken, aren't you?''
he said.
The mustacheless man laughed hol-
low, doubtful laugh. His friend recog-
nized the laugh and Immediately execut-
ed a realistic imitation of a man just hit
by a Krag bullet. Then he fell up against
an awning pole and roared.
'Walk backward, old man, and maybe
you won't be pinched this time," he said,
when he had recovered himself some
| what. "You can slip out into the coun-
try after dark, and keep out of sight OF
the authorities until it grows again."
Friend No. suggested that he have
his face trimmed.
Friend Ne. asked who had broad ak.
ed him in the talker.
Friend No. 5 informed him that he was
dead ringer for "Soak" McGuffey, the
noted second story man and all around
boarding house sneak.
Friend No. said he reminded him OF
Charles Bigelow, the comedian.
Friend No. 7 asked what had bent his
countenance.
"If l had mush on me like that, II
ask for receiver and go into voluntary
liquidation" said friend No. s.
why don't you get drop shutter fol
that?" asked friend No. 8.
Massage is good for improving face
understand" suggested friend No. 10.
Say, you'd make hit in vaudeville
with that" said friend No. II.
"Every man his own Mammoth cave,
said friend No. II.
The shades Of evening found the mus
tachcless man leaning up against tree
box in the neighborhood of his home
wondering whether he'd better go in o.
not. He tipped coin.
''Heads l 90 home: tails l give mysel
up as vag," he muttered.
Heads won. His wife opened tn
door when he purposely rang the bell in
stead of using his latchkey. He stepped
forward to bestow the usual salute. Hi
wife screamed for the servant.
How dare your she cried. retreatin!
down the hall. 'My husband is right "
stairs. and"-
''Well, what do you think of me?' ask
ed the mustacheless man, trying dismal
ly to be jaunty.
SheJrecognized the voice She regard
ed him with astonishmcnt, open mouthed
Then her face puckered, and she raise
her handkerchief to her eyes.
"Does it look so bad. honest?" he aske
her when her first torrent of grief wa
spent.
"BadT' she replied between sob:
"William. you look sacrilegious"'
Then he wandered mournfully up stair
to see his infant in it's cradle. The bah
was studying the ceiling with wide ope
eyes when he bent over it. When til
baby saw the face, it let out one terrif
whoop and turned over on it's side, baw
E ing.
ITS plain to be seen that I've made
hit all around, all right" groaned tn
mustacheless man, walking down tn
basement stems to the dining rOOm II