Union gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1899-1900, 1900-04-20
5SGzsEN


q bird In her rainy day skirt" well,
she looks like jay."-Chicago Record.
Barber-How would you like to have
your hair cut? 'Customer-First rate.
Didn't just tell you that | wanted 1t
cut?-Harlem Life.
He-Awfully funny thing happened
10 me the other day. l was best man
% my own grandfather She-Reallyf
How funny! Hadn't he ever been mar
lied before?-Punch.
King Arthur was moved to tears
Sir Galahad." he sobbed. ais dead"
Say not So" exclaimed the court-jest-
er; "say. rather he is enjoying a good
knights st."-Philadelphia Press.
Hibernian newly landed)-Phwot in
the wurruld do the bell be put on the
cow for? Jersey Farmer-To keep her
from gettin' lost Hibernian-But sup
pose she do be deef. phwot thin?"-
Judge.
Mrs. Jones (readfng)-One Filipino
got shot through the head, heart, lungs,
and stomach, and still recovered. Mr..
Jones-B-r-r-! It's thankless job try
Ing to civilize such a people as that
Judge.
] Loves his fellow men: Switcher-
The new superintendent of the trolley
road is very humane man. Ringer
Is he? Switcher-Yes; he says he will
run an ambulance behind every car
Bazaar.
Citizen-See here, I'll give you q
dime, but l believe you asked me for
money only yesterday. Why don't yor
learn some good business? Able-bod.
ed Beggar-I have learned one. sir; I'm
4 retoucher.-Life.
Wifely constancy: IL have been mar
lied for fifteen years. and my wife
never fails to meet me at the door,"
Wonderful" "Yes. she's afraid I
might go in without wiping my feet
Chicago Times Herald
Guzzler-Have a drink? Bjones (who
s going slow)-No. thanks; I've just
aad a swallow. Guzzler-But one
swallow doesn't make a summer.
Bjones-But it sometimes means an
early fall.-Philadelphia Record.
We have all met him: "What sort of
fellow is Bobbers In social wayT
'Oh, he Is one of those idiots who
would say sweets to the sweet when
he was passing the pickles to lady Of
uncertain age."-Indianapolis Press.
Judge-Do you accuse this man Of
taking your property? Band-leader-
Yahl He dake mine moosic-roll ven
ook away. Judge-Took you by sur
Prise, eh? Band-leader-Yah! He
,teal march on me.-Chicago News.
Gladys (sighing)- Papa is SO eccen-
ric! Madeline-How so? Gladys-He
heard me telling mamma that Prof.
Keeze, my music teacher, had an ex-
lEisite touch, and he discharged the
professor immediately-Town Topics.
The process of profit: "And are you
going to pay your money to see that
,lay which is being denounced as inn
noralY' Certainly. l think immoral
,lays ought to be denounced. And as
fair-minded person, feel that have
10 right to denounce it until after
iave seen it, Washington Star.
"The little dear is lost again." she
| aid, as soon as she got home. "Oh,
hat pugP "Yes, that pug, IL you must
ak like a brute. and want you to
|
rertisement as 1t appeared: "Lost-A
,ausage-shaped yellow dog, answering,
when hungry, to the name Of Baby A
.eward will be paid for his return to
! 81 Blank street, dead or alive."-House-
lold Words.
The real thing: Johnny (who is jeal-
,us of mamma)-Mamma likes me bet
er than she does you! Evelyn (who
enjoys teasing)-Why. no. Johnny; Of
course she loves Betty and me bestI
lust think, she was our mother 'ong
| before she was yours! Johnny (scorn-
,ully)-Hoh, what of that? You are
nothing but a sample copy, anyhowi
And Betty's only trial subscription
But am the real thing!-Life.
'Well," her father asked. do you
.hink you could support familyr
my dear SIR" the young man replied.
| Il have made it a practice In life never
10 cross bridge until | come to it"
.Ob. you have, have you? Well,
want you to understand that the bridge
| refer to is right In front of you. I'm
| looking for a son-in-law who will make
| ( unnecessary for me to care whether
get to the office on time or not"
MARY" said Mrs. Wilkins. did the
amb chops and beefsteak l ordered for
breakfast come all rightT "Yes.
ma'am," the girl replied And did the
ooy fill. that order for sausage that I
ave Yesterday" "Yes. ma'am." 1--WE
nave ham and eggs in the house. too,
haven't weT "Yes. ma'am." "And
sVoc OF mo COO
Yes. Mr.. Wilkins will sigh for a good
Did fashioned mess of mackerel to-mor-
.ow morning. That's the only thing I
couldn't think of."-Chicago Times
Herald.
Soda Water to Appcase Hunger.