Republican news item. [volume] (Laport, Pa.) 1896-19??, 1900-09-27
HUMOROUS.

"Pa. why do they call it cold cash =
because people have habit of freez-
ing to it, l guess"
"My wife," boasted the happy young
Benedict, sis an open book to me-"
"Mine, too" declared the old married
man. II can't shut her up
Amicus-So you have another baby
at your house. What is he like?
Eminent Critic-Well. he is not very
interesting, but he is mighty convinc-
ing.
Didn't the quiet in the country be-
come monotonous to you?" "Quieti
We had to turn out about seven times
every night and chase cows off the
porch"
81 wonder why they don't name one
OF the new ships the Maytiower!"
What for?" why. so that future
came over ON it,
Little Jim, how can you rush
around and play so hard in hot wealth
er?" Jaw, ma, taint hot at all; me
an Tommy Tibbs has BIN a-playin
camp-out in blizzard"
The meanest man up to date Is
Sniftkins. He sold Jones a half in
terest in COW, and then refused tc
divide the milk, maintaining that
Jones owned the 'front.' end.
Nodd-Are you going to take your
servants with you camping out? Todd
If l can get them to. l want to gel
even with them for all the discOm
forts they have caused me.
She-Of course. you have heard OF
the theory that Bacon wrote Shakes
peare's play? Cholly-Aw-yes-aw-
the idea is that Shakespeare was Ba
cons nom de plume, is it not?
Now" said the new reporter
handing in his copy. what shall ]
write about?" Il think" said this
editor after glancing at the stuff
you had better right about face
march,"
Miss Johnson-Did he take it hard
when yo' refused him? Miss Jack
son-Yo' bet he took il
| nara. lie SLarleu row uii III hihi
wifi a flat-iron, stove-lifter an
rollin'pin.
| "You've given up swimming, haven't
! you?" Yes / don't mean to cultl'
vate a talent that will put me in
position some time where the drown
ing fellow who can't swim will be
sure to drag me under"
..Pa, why do they formally notify
man that he is nominated for presid.
ent" "Well, mainly, | think, so that
he can't get up after he fails to he
elected in November and vow he
wasn't in politics at all"
She (after discharging the new
servant-I wonder why they call the
place where these girls come from an
Intelligence office?" There doesn't
seem to b any there. He-There must
be some there, for none ever comes
out of it.
Stox-Do you believe in women hav'
ing the same rights as men? Sluggs-
Yes, [ do. There was one stood in
front of where l sat in a car today
and tramped all over my feet, and If
she'd been a man l would have hit
her one, sure.
"You told me to come and begin
work today" said the new boy. "Oh.
YES" replied the druggist, you may
begin by catching flies and putting
them on these sheets of Sure Catch
Flypaper,' we're displaying in the
window
"Well that's great" whats great"
sour Chinese laundryman has put his
prices up on account of the war in
China" "How's that?" "Why, he
SAWS he has to be paid for the time he
waists telling people what he thinks
of it."
1.-THE hostess is a lovely woman and
she gave us fine dinner. But why
| did she seem in such nervous hurry !
Really, it was the swiftest feed l ever
sat down to- Then you didn't know
her before she married BiXby!' NO"
"She used to be Il waitress in a quick
service dairy lunch"
Observing the manager of the drug
department, the woman accosted him.
F., in a spirit of badinage. Il haze klepto-
| MANIA" 81. said. What would you
| advise me to take:' "The elevator.
by all means!" said the manager wit
| tily. "And not something just as
| good?" exclaimed the woman affect.
| ing great surprise.