Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1900-08-25
MODERN CHRONICLES
FURTHER PARALLELS OF OUR UNCLE
SAMUEL.

Ihfckeus before Ihey Are HatcHed.
1. And It came to pass in the sixth
month of the year 1900 that Mckinley
president and vice president by the
Israelites, who assembled together In
the City Of Brotherly Love, which by
Interpretation is Philadelphia.
.. And 1t also came TO pass that the
Philistines gathered themselves t0geth-
er in Kansas City and did nominate
Bryan and Stevenson.
g. And, 10, between the Philistines
and the Israelites there is a great gulf
which the wayfaring man. though a
great lacker Of intellect. may behold
with the naked optic unless perad-
venture he closeth his eyes to political
verities
differences.
3. Now, while the Philistines believe
in the new and approved policy Of
scuttle, the Israelitcs, headed by Me-
Kinley and Roosevelt. stand for the old
fashioned doctrines of Thomas Jeffer-
son, the original American expansion
list, who purchased Louisiana for $780,
100000 and governed the vast territory
without the least consent Of the gov
erned for in the bill which Thomas
signed all the governing power was
vested in the president and congress.
9. Now, behold. Bryan ana Stevenson
denounee this Jeffersonian policy as
- aI,n
have issued their ukase. saying that
the policy on which Lincoln was elect
ed was an outrage. for, 10, the great
emancipator declared the constitution
was not self extending, but that terri
tories are to be ruled by congress and
the president.
Z. And thus are the Israelites on the
side of Jefferson and Lincoln, while the
Philistines are violently in opposition
to Lincoln and the fathers of our re-
public.
s. Now the 80 cent PhiliStine policy
of scuttle is to abandon the Filipinos
and foreign residents of the Philip
pines to tho tender mercies of Tagal
savages, yea. to withdraw our splendid
troops and allow the Tagal Boxers to
sack and burn Manila. murder most of
the inhabitants and rayish the white
women. And because Mckinley and
Roosevelt oppose this beautiful scuttle
policy of the 30 centers they are called
all the vile names which the gay and
festive Bryanites can borrow and in
vent.
o. Albeit, seeing that the 80 cent
policy of scuttle is so tyrannically de-
MED them. we commend to the Bryan
and Stevenson scuttlers the consola-
ton afforded by the prophet Nicode-
mus in the forty-leventh chapter.
twenty-tuth varce, Grin and bear it!
10. Now, aforetime, when millions of
our common people were rendered pov-
erty stricken, robbed of their jobs and
fed on free soup-and of course we re-
fer to the lovely Robber Wilson tariff
times-think We there was lack of food
In the land? We tell We, Nay! Store
houses were filled with rotting food,
the price of which was never cheaper.
II. Wherefore this rotting of food
and yet half starved people? Thusly;
While we were all so tenderly invited
to the glorious free trade feast of
cheapness. tickets half price, the peo-
pie had no money because wage earn
ers were so beautifully swindled out
Of their jobs by the neat little Wilson
tariff bunko game,
II And today. O We followers of
hA N, 1A11 ft,Iy
We that 60000.000 are now starving
and at the gates of hunger and misery
in India because food is scarce in that
faroff land? We tell ye, Nay! The
stogehOuses of India are ram damned
full of food, aye, rotting, yet the peo-
Pile starve.
13. And wherefore doth gaunt hunger
gnaw at the vitals of the dying peOple7
H. Listen and open the optics of
your understanding while we tell We
that these starving people are out Of
work and have no money to purchase
the bare necessaries of life. And four
years more of RObber Wilson tariff
sway would have brought grim starva-
ton to our beloved land.
10. Yea, verify. elect Bryan and a
Bryanite congress. whereby wages
would be cut onc-half by the almighty
80 cent dollar, then flood our markets
with foreign goods by free trade. and
such ruin and devastation would be
wrought here that William Lost VIII
son in all his boosted glory could not
bring To pass 10y his beautiful and
lovely tariff swindle.
1G. There is danger in the very air
of Imperial Dictator Bryan, while
HeadSman Stevenson's AK is ready to
hehead every man opposed to his spoil
system.
H. Howheit the Philistine poultry
lightning calculator. which counteth
much chicks before the Matching proc
ess. is not reliable. And this epitaph
will be very much appropriate in No
yember:
Bryan and Stevenson were scratching,
And they thought much chickens were Matching.
But November frost nipped them
And the lsraelites whipped them
And left Steve and Bryan still scratching.