The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1900-08-08
The Wasted Epitaph.
Black and White

way 70 the open space Of greensward
among the trees where the duel was to
take place. The sun had scarcely risen
| yet, and Mr.. Bodmin thought with Dro-
found grief that it was only. YESTERDAY
that the great dictionary had been finish
! ed, and only last night that the doctor
had held levee OF his admirers in the
Great Lion Coffee House to ceIebrats
the event. Unfortunately, Sir Edward
Browne, being the worse for wine. had
ventured to dispute with the doctor al
to the meaning of "Zythus"
"a malt liquor used by the Egyptians "
said the doctor, as one with authority.
"A connection made from crocodiIe's
tears and lotos leaves" persisted Sir Ed
ward, viciously.
Sir, you are impertinent," said the doc
tor. 1T is malt liquor such as you
yourself would do well to cultivate in
| place OF the more heady Falernian"
The doctor had accepted the invitation
to a duel with his customary equanlmity.
He did not know one end of a pistol
from another, and Mr.. Bodmin was over
come with a double fear, being convinced,
| hrstly, that the doctor would be shot
| down like a sheep by his antagonist-
a noted duelist; secondly, that in his
! great concern to finish the composition
Of an epit&ph which had already thrown
| MIN into brown study the doctor would
either forget to pull his trigger at all or
else shoot one of the seconds-either OF
which mishaps would be counted to him
as a dishonor But Mr.. Bodmin was too
faithful an admirer to refuse the post Of
second.
THE hasty manner" said DR.. FEIttery.
! as they got out, Sin which affairs involy-
ing an appeal to the ultima ratio are
! brought TO conclusion appears to me
to be as intolerableto the individual as
1t is disgraceful to the community"
o. 20. fa1rF
asked Mr. Bodmin, knowing that the doc
tor was thinking of the short time allow
ed for his epitaph.
Sir said DR.. Kittery, my epitaph
may be ephemeraI in construction. But
l beg TO remind you that it was at mid
night when I disagreed with Sir Edward
on the subject of zythus, that three Of
my hours since have been devoted to
slumber, and that one hour and thirty
minutes have been consumed driving to
! this glade in that rackety cabriolet. You
! then ask me If 1 have completed my cpl
| taph My answer is, no, sir; I have not"
! But you have effected something" urg-
| ed Mr.. Bodmin, knowing that there was
no chance of the doctor attending to the
pistol While the epitaph remained unfn-
ished.
IF I had effected nothing" said the
doctor, 81 should be a fool"
| Pray let me hear what you have COM
posed said Mr.. Bodmin, alphabetically
Your Interruptions are insufferable,"
said the doctor, severely; but it Is my
intention to recite the lines to you in or
der that you may record them In your
notebook. They are to this effect:
- Stranger, here Kittery Hes-Observe his
fall,
Slain by the reeking tubes unerring
ball"
"Adnirabler' murmured Mr.. Bodmln.
" The reeking tubes unerring balI-ex-
celent!'
1.-THE phrase, no doubt, has a classic
ring" said the doctor, gratihed "but an
epitaph should be essentially commemo-
rative This only commentaries my
death; my more important achievements
are neglected"
'They speak for themselves" said Mr.
Bodmin You could not improve on your
present lines"
Possibly 1 may be permitted, sir, TO
consider myself as great an authority on
the subject Of epitaphs as you" said the
doctor, mislil1ing this laudaton.
Certainly, certainly said Mr.. Bodmin,
IN haste.
VERY well, sir. I maintain that the
epitaph is not complete 1t win be my
endeavor to remedy it during the five
minutes of existence that still remain
| to me-"
Mr.. Bodmin clasped his hands In dispair.
Here they were already on the ground,
and Sir Edward Brownies second already
at him to measure out the PAGES and load
the pistols.
Or Kittery Will not agree to Sir Ed
wards version Of zythus?" inquired this
| gentleman.
mo, sir" said Mr. Bodmin, sadly. "Dr.
Kittery is not in the habit Of agreeing
to anything that mlsilkes him"
Nor Sir Edward"
"Then the affair must proceed?' said
Mr. Bodmin,
Meanwhile the doctor moved up and
down abstractedly. shifting his spectacies
| as an idea came or escaped him.
| 81 shall be compelled" he murmured.
Ito alter both lines. Here, in this urn
| tan Invaluable Romanism), proud strau-
! ger Kittery.' No, that violates the rule
| that substantives must be separated
Proud stranger Eh-what?"
Mr.. Bodmin, paler than before, had
come up, and was pressing a pistol into
his hand. Its loaded" he said, as he
! led the doctor to his position
The doctor took it absently. murmurins
! to himself: Here, In this urn"
you will not. I beseech you. forget TO
pull the trigger when Sir Edwards sec
ond drops his kerchief2" said Mr.. Bod
min.
Eyes, yes" said the doctor, impatient
of interruption. Here In this urn the
| bones of Kittery"-
'If," went on Mr.. Bodmln, greatly dar-
ing, you will but keep your pistol
! straight at Sir Edward, you may by
! chance hit him.
IF you will but oblige me-" said tho
| doctor. ''by ceasing to chatter, have the
| epitaph on the tip Of my tOngun.'
1 Gentlemen" announced the other sec
| ond, "I shall ask if you are ready. Count
three, and then drop my handkerchief!
If either reserve his fire he shall fall by
my hand!"
Remember said Mr.. Bodmin, misec-
ably, slowly tearing himself away.
Here in this urn the bones Of Kittery
bide," returned the DOCTOR ''for words he
| lived"
Are you ready, gentlemen? Oner-
'And for a word'-continued the doc
tor.
'Two!-ThreeW
HE died!' said the doctor, half turning
| to Mr.. Bodmin.
At the same moment the 'kerchief fell,
| and two pistols rang out In unison. Mr.
| Bodmin, shrinking into himself with hor-
| ror, saw the doctors hat revolge suddenly
on his head. Sir Edward threw up his
| hands and fell forward.
you've hit him!" cried Mr.. Bodmin,
| triumphantly.
''Hit whom?" said the doctor surprised.
''Sir Edward? Impossible!"
"But, assure you. 1t is true" said Mr.
Bodmin; and indeed It was, beyond doubt
the case.
"If 1 had only contemplated this" said
| the doctor, thoughtfully, Il should have
| completed a very good epitaph for him.
| However, in either case, the last half OF
the second line would be suitable"
GeG'daa thu safd DIR T(fttnrV indignant