The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1900-05-19
As THE DEVIL WOULD DO.
John 2. St Johns Version OF How
the Devil Would Run "a Newspaper,

The Editor Of the Atchiuson Cham gson
concluded he zouii have has paper run for a
week a. The Devil wsuIi rua u and wrote "a
variouz prominent men over The Stale Tor their
ap,nious a. 70 hos ,hey thought bis Satanic
MAJESTY would handle The job Amoag
these sho answered eas eS CtuTeEH0r John
T. 81 Joha. o. Kansas, Sbo sad
II have received youTs Of the 29ia ulume
asking ne 10 give nay opinion a. la Hos the
devil would riu q paper, aud "a reply theFe-
10 desire first Ia congratulate you on yuaF
excellent judgement in selecting ne to answer
thar question. for any familiarity algh bis
Satanic Majesty enables me 70 iGpart 10 yoa
a lot 81 information that the ordinarily pioas
man knows but hisIe about.
THE first thing the devil SSald do would
lie TO write a saluiaiury. lie would give Il al
intense religious tone He ~ould shout for
.'Old GLORY aud scream for liberty. zad pitch
into the Mcrmons; would not say wUrd about
the thousands Of slave, and our government
salaripd Sultan and his seventeen wives under
the protection % the American dag on the
Island Of SaIu. tie would openly favor
bimetalhsua. and secretly work to pat the
government on single gold standard.
He would talk long and loud about the
..p.ople's money" but place them nj the
mercy of the national banks To get II. He
wonld declare that Cubans were aad Of right
ought ta be free, and then refuse them their
freedom.
He would deuounce fraud and then send
word 10 the Gamers Of rotten beel 20 clean ~
and get ready 20 be whilewashed. he would
stand quietly by aud without even protest,
see the organized trusts rob the people Of hun
dreds Of millions annually aud call il pros
perity He would advocate the leyying Of =
high tariff tax on the poor man food and
clothing aud tell him it was protection. lie
would be as quiet as graveyard while We
were burning negroes at the stake aud punch
ing their ewes out with a red hot iron here in
our own country but would make his columns
speak in thundertuues 10 favor of sending our
soldiers eight thousand miles from home to
shoot our civilization aud Milwaukee beer
into the Filipiuns. In 4 desperate irenZied
effort OF powerful monarchy which has been
a robber and oppressor Of weak nations, 10
crush by brute force brave people IN South
Africa who are struggling as our iorefathers
struggled four generations ago for the right OF
selfgoYernment, the devil would be on the
side of monarchy. and gloat over the down
fall Of the republic.
He would take the position IN his news
paper that by the providence OF God, Porto
Rico was the property of the United States,
and that her people were our people, and by
this same Divine Providence, aud by cry of
benevolent assimilation aud to impress
upon the Porto Ricans the lesson that
''Whom the Lord loveth he chastiseth, he
would put fifteen per cent. tariff on the pro
ducts Of their labor He would indulge IN
long prayers for temperance and editorially
wink at the Klondike jointists to close mp dur
ing the dull season, but throw their doors wide
open again Just before the veterans next pay
da~ He would stand for Mckinley aud bit
terly denounce Bryan, and finally bis Satanic
Majesty would make a will, in which he would
provide, that in case of his death or removal
from the United States his newspaper should
be turned over to Mark Hanna