Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1900-03-31
THAT ARTILLERY PUNCH

"A well-known Washingtonfan and
have had the same kind Of hard luck
during the past couple Of months. 1t
seems-that is to say, we've both been
artillery punched said a member Of
the Gridiron Club who accompanied that
organization on its recent excursion to
Charleston. when 1 read the report Of
how that other famous man was
bowled over by a small portion Of
the contents of a bowl of Savannah
made artillery punch my compassion
was moved I got mine some time before
he did. and in a different town. and there
were no reports about it in the Associated
Press service; but artillery punch is artil-
lery punch at any old place and time. and
I've got real money to bet with any man
belief that my dose of artillery punch didn't
throw me just as hard and make me feel
just as bad his did him.
Eighteen minutes after I'd made my in
ternal mechanism into an overcoat for three
fair-sized hooters of artillery punch found
myself in some strange room that I'd never
been in or seen before in my life. and 1 was
making faces at myself in looking glass.
1 wanted some broken bottles to chew and
some sulphur to burn. / was real devil,
for fair, and there didn't seem to be any
thing on earth or in the waters beneath the
earth that was too onnery for me to do.
I've got an indistinct recollection of hank
ering to break little girls dolls, and know
picked several Quarrels with aged men
that 1 happened to run into. When 1 got
down to the dock and saw a skiff tied up
by a cotton warehouse l tried to seize the
same, with the idea of taking to the Spanish
main. SOS could have blurd, and lots of it,
and run up the Jolly Roger ard make i'm
ploring women walk the plank, and enjoy
myself that way. Somebody seized me, 1
think. as l was in the act of hurting two
half-bricks into the front windows of a
Tod mid 20 how -h1,, I
saw some darkey cotton packers lying
asleep on wharf had to hang on to my
self right hard to keep from rolling a barrel
of vitriol ON them and then chucking em
into the deep blue sea- If l didn't do any
or all of these things l vaguely remembered
having done 'em. anyhow, which doesn't
make the case out any better for artillery
punch.
This humor was succeeded by a feeling
OF profound benevolence on my part, /
family recall. 1 couldn't see any particu-
lar reason why 1 should have a watch and
chain and money on my person when l saw
lots of persons on the streets of Charleston
who didn't seem to own automobiles, and l
1nerectually endeavored to induce numer-
GUS late wayfarers to put me under lasting
obligations by accepting everything l had
even unto the half of me kingdom. l met
a fireman belonging to a night shift who
was logged out in a suit of blue overalls,
and 1t struck me as a bowling outrage that
this man should be thus clad and on his
way to attend to a toilsome all-night job
while l was walking around full of artillery
punch and beatftude. l argued long and
earnestly with that man in the endeavor
to induce him to change clothing, as well
as positions in life, with me, but he couldn't
see it, and he smiled me on my benevolent
path. When l got to my hotel and ascer-
tanned. upon engaging the night clerk in
conversation, that he had four little chill
dren, my mind was made up. He should
have all the money | had wherewith to buy
them ginger snaps and jujube paste or I'd
know the reason why. So l pulled out my
wad, planted it on the desk in front of him
and then bolted for it, for | wanted to be
sure that he wouldn't hand it back to me-
He collared me before l got upstairs to my
room, however, and amiaby forced my
wealth back upon me, for which | told him
reproachfully that he need never regard
himself a friend of mine in any sense
whatsoever. Then l got into my room.
carefully raised my umbrella over the bed
in case of rain. and dreamed that 1 was an
overgrown cigarette and that some pin
head was trying to light the end of my
head.
And mentioning the word head brings
me along to the next morning. Oh. well, l
guess I'll pass that. There are some things
in this life that are too unspeakabl hor-
rife and grisly to be dwelt upon, and SO 1
won't say anything about that artillery
punch next-morning head: it suffices to say
tail feathers. and when 1 finally regained
consciousness and saw EN- all anxiously
bending over me, 1 concluded that in the
future artillery punch could get along with
out me.
Il cannot close this brief account, how
ever. without setting forth this little addi-
tional fact: 1 was not the only one