The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-08-18
HUMOR OF THE DAY.


Uncle John.'' remarked Dick. sis the
finest after-dinner speaker I ever
Why said his friend, with some
establishment, II never heard he had
any ability in that direction at ALL
well, he has I've dined with him
several times at various places, and
after dinner he always says: That's
all right, my boy; I'll pay for it"-Col-
heg's Weekly.
Tess-He began to complain that the
light hurt his eyes. knew that he was
going to try to kiss me.
Jess-I hope you sat on him and turn
ed him down as he deserved.
Tess-Well, after the light was turned
down 1 sat on him.-Philadelphia Press.
.'Look here! Yesterday, when I
bought this cane from you, you guar
anteed that the head was genuine
ivoryi Now I find that it is imitation"
goods direct from Ceylon, but, of
course, it is quite possible that the ele-
plants there have taken to using false
teeth."-Floh.
Jonson-What do you know about the
horrors of war?
Bronson-I know a lot.
Jonson-YOu don't know a thing; you
stayed at home.
Bronson-I know did, but I had to
read the yellow journals every day
Detroit Free Press.
ssWas the deceased a drinking MANI"
asked the attorney.
ffWell, sor, no." replied Pat; ''he war
not, barrin' pint or two av beer at the
meals aan nip O. the ovid stuff be-
chune times fer his stomach's sake
Philadelphia North American.
Don't you enjoy the gentle zephyrs
and the sweet music of the season."
asked the poetic youth.
81 should say So" answered the youth
who is not poetic. 81 have just been
downtown to buy an electric fan and
bundle of coon songs.'-Washingto
Star.
what did Freddy say when you
caught him coming out of the pantry
with his hands stained red?"
''He told the truth by saying that he
had damned his fingers. "-Philadelphia
Evening Bulletin.
Jaysmith is a sharp man." said Bloc
bumper.
Il should use the comparative degree
instead of the positive" said spatts-
Il should call him a sharper."-Ex-
change.
collar buttons don't worry me any
more
"Why don't they?"
''Well, when lose one on the floor
just steal one from my wife. Indian
apoliS Press.
ct have come over" announced the
new neighbor with a catlike tread, to
see and hear your daughter play" An,
you love music, them" asked the other
smilingly. mot exactly that answer
ed the caller, peering curiously in the
door at the girl at the piano. Il just
had an irresistible desire to see the per
son who possesses such remarkable
powers Of endurance. "-Indianapol1s
Sun.
every we'll" concluded the lady of the
house, ct will engage you"
Yes, ma'am,'' said the pretty cham
bermaid, land I think I'd better tell
you maram, that I've got steady beau
that I'm very fond Of"
"Oh, that's all right"
eyes, ma'am. So if you catch your
husband tryin' to kiss me you'll know it
amt my doin's ''-Philadelphia Press.
eve will yet see an emperor in Wash
ington,' said the apprehensive citizen.
"Well, answered the unruffied friend,
''aS cosmopolitan philanthropist, l
hope so. I have long thought that all
the crowned heads of Europe ought to
get up an excursion to Washington and
get some points on running a govern
ment. "-Washington Star.
seIt was the first race had ever SEEM
said Smith, referring to the recent Har-
ward ale regatta, land tell you IT
was great Yale's trainer simply yelled
VIM and they did,
'tOf course" said the old Yale man.
"A word to the Us is sufficient -
Philadelphia Press.
Actress Gndignantly)-Tn tell you one
thing! If you can't drive the mice out
of this apartment I'll novel
Landlady-Ah, shame on vel In the
theater you make believe to be the maid
of Orleans and at home you're afraid
IF CnN-M6OUQnSdOrfQr Rla4tt6r.
Farmer never did see such an Off
horse as Bender is. When 1 take one
side of a question he is sure to take
the other.
Granger-And when he takes one side
you invariably take the other?
other matter.
Dorothy-Papa, we girls have new
name for those men who call on us, but
never take us anywhere.
Papa-What is it, daughter?
1--WE call them 'fireside companions
Life.
cruise you and Aunt Abigail will be
worried about me all the time.
His Sister Ruth-Not at all. Nothing
ever happened to a drunken man.-Life
sWhat an artistic pipe you have" said
Miss Hicks to Barber.
'ArtiStic2" returned BarDer. MOI d
bit of it. You can't make 1t draw.
Harlem Life.
Conundrum (by the printers deviD-
rs there any rule of English compost
ton that ex-President Steyn invariably
yes He never comes to a full stop
without beginning with fresh capital"
st see that a woman doctor up in Chi
cago says that only one woman in LOCO
is fit to bring up children"