davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
A BORN DIPLOMAT.

From The Detroit Free Press
Diplomacy in the affairs OF a nation Is notnIns
more than extension of tact in social lie one
day last week a giant of a cOlOred man took a
load of coal to residence on the CaSs farm re
cross and ugly and the good wife who was
looking after things at home wanted much at MS
hands. He had told her that he had three tons 20
throw off the wagon, had sworn rOundly De
cause the sliding door TO the barn was hard 70
open. and ne was in open rebellion when she asked
him TO make bin in the corner so that the coal
would not scatter all over the floor .
What you take TO. woman? Youm les
like de boss at de yahd He done clude Ah'm a
boss steam injin an tug All do mo wo
Nick do dis and Nick 10 dat till Ah'm ready 70
TO dig a in EN-. Ah'm bin buildah- An N
a coal heabah, All is Dat load goes right hean
in de centa' of de fOah and ef any man comes
'rOun heah say bin to Ah'H fab him trough &c
roof
Not word back did this little say She
went to the house. took the half of a luscious
watermelon from the ice box. carried it TO the
barn and sad
Here Nick. is some ice-cOld melon and here's a
big silver spoon. Eat it ALL for have more
than We need 1t may cool your throat. / do pity
any one who has tc work so hard this weather
sorry | spoke about the bin but didn't kno"
where to get man..
NiCks eyes glistened- He tackled the melon be-
fore ne did the coal and he ate by the cubic foot
He built the bin. He nailed UP a loose window
sash and he swept the barn floor. When he re-
turned the spoon to maid at the back door he
had his hat in hand while he said
please sib nah CARDS to de missuS Tell heb
l neber JOyed nOthin' mo- in nah life and say
when she done want mo coal please ask 70 Nick
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
ABAsHED BY MAGNIFIcENcE.
Erom The New-Orleans Times-Democrat.

From The New-Orleans Times-Democrat
when | was ranchng down the Colorado
River said a from Texas, "one of my cow
boys was big rawboned fellow by the name of
Sam Long who was horn in a amp and had never
been out OF the State in his life. Strange to say,
his great ambition was to go to York
and eat meal at DelmOnicos. To his mind that
represented the tOpmost pinnacle of human. lux
ury. It's Shorey the limit. boys. he frequently
declared and if l could stack up against it just
once I'd be willn TO back to the camp
and turn up my toes Nobody dreamed that his
yearnng for DelmOnico meal would ever be graft
fed. but rich young New-Yorker who owned
place near Painted Bluffs spent a week the
ranch and hearing ut Sans singular aSpirat tion
was so amused by ii that he invited him 10 make
a trip North his guest for the special purpose
of sampng prOvender of the famous
taurant The news of the invitation created great
excitement among the other cowpunCherS, and they
deuged Sam with tips to what he should order.
In some extraordinary manner they had conceived
the idea that Delmonico's boasted of being able
to provide q guest with absolutely anything ne
asked for, matter how outIanu1sh. and that it
would be a great triumph for Sam if he could
something beyond the resources of the larder.
Tell 'em to bring GU fried rattIeSnakeS' eggs
said one of the utfit; I'm bet that'n stump emf
Stewed prairie dog picked wolves ears coyote
hash cactus pie. boiled owls and sliced lizards
were few Of The other delicacies mentioned as
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
SOME RECENT BULLS IN THE coMMONS,
from The London Telegraph.

From The London Telegraph
To MI Flavin the Commons have been indebted
for several delightfully."- cOmical outburstf. He is
a man o quick temper. but there is amiabiNty in
his anger for il is obvious that he is angry with
himself for being angry with those who are moved
to laughter bv the quaintneSS OF his expressions.
1t was he who said: 1T is all right for you 10
send Irishmcn to the front to be killed in your
wars and then pack to spend the re
mainuer their lives in Irish workhouse.'
From him also the assurance that 'as brave
as beneath the kilt of a Gordon Highlander" 1t
was one of his colleagues who rose and announced,
81 am now going to repeat what | was prevented
saying" The use of wong word by Mr.. FlaVln
once gave 4 peculiar significance TO his eulogy of
the Boers' bravery. for, according to him, there
were to be found among those who took the field
'the beardess boy of sixteen and the gray haired
burglar of sixty
Bu' il is the NatiOlalists who alone peTpe-
trate a bull for this week Sir Il. Ashmead- Bartlett
spoke of certain schemes advocated by honorable
gentlemen behind him. who he sorry to
were not their places. Although scarcely a huh.
there quiet irony in Sir Wilfrd Lawsons ref
a naval engagement which about to
commence be- V,een the Chinese and Japanese i'm
which a junk conveying the Chinese COM
mander to place of safety. Another honorable
member. who holds views of his to Vd.cina-
tion. rgcd tie president of the Local Government
Board to issue return Of the number of children
still Inborn who were unVaccinated and ii was
only the other day that Mr.. MacNeil moved that
the Lords amendments to bill ''be Consid-
cred this day three months f. Robertson was
held to have committed bull when he declared
that tn extravaganza of Army officers should be
stamped out with stern hand
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
MORE THAN HE EXPECTED.

From The Youths Companion.
Englshmen know little of the geography of the
fStates," and what little they do know does NOT
object TO putting Philadelphia next door to Bos-
TON, or San Francisco alongside Of New-YOrk An
American and Ensishman who had become
friends aboard ship had a pleasant encounter
about distances reaching New York
They breakfasted together and the following
conversation ensued:
I guess IN turn out TO see Harry after break
fast said the EnSlshman
Harry queried the American SOFTLY
Yes. my brother" explained the EngIiS huau
I've two here Harry lives in San Francisco and
Charlie in Chicago"
But you'll be back for dinner?'' facetiousIy
asked the American.
The BritiSher took him Sc TiOuSly. sure for din
ner if not for lunch he answered And accom-
panied by his friend now thoroughly alive TO the
humor of the incident he found himself a few
minutes later in the line of ticket buyers in the
Grand Central Station.
AN excursion ticket 10 San Francisco stou-
ping at Chicago station return he ordered
The ticket agent put about quarter of a mile
of pastebOa d under his stamp pounded il for a
minute or more. thrust il before the explorer and
eXpectantly awaited payment.
When does the train co. asked the English
In ten minutes" was the answer
How much IS il?
cents '''
it?'' 'Ai
Three thousand miles"
Dear me! What COuItryt'
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
LORD RUSSELL'S DILEMMA.

London correspondence of The Manchester Guar
dian.
Once, when he first to London and was
laying the foundation of his great career the
future LOrd Chief Justice to the pit of a
theatre. The piece was popular the pit crowd
ed and the young advocate had only standing room
All OF a sudden at mis- side cried that
his watch stolen Mr.. Russell and two other
men were hemmed n 1T is one of YOU three
cried the minus the watch Well We had
better go out and be searched. said Mr Russell.
with the alertness OF mind that did not fail him
at a trying moment amid excited crowd. A
detective at hand and the su ygeStiOn was ac-
cepted AS Mr.. Russell walked out the idea
flashed through his mind that IL the man behind
him had the stolen property he would probably try
to Secrete it in the pocket of his -rOnt rank man.
Quick as thought he drew his coat tails about him
only to feel, 10 his horror. something large and
smooth and round already in his pocket While
he was still wondering what this might mean for
him, the detective enerSeticaly seized the hind
most man, eXclaiming. What. YOU rascal at il
againi" To Mr.. Russell and the other man he
apOlogized and bade them go free But Mr. Rus
sell before he had taken many steps. reflected
he could not keep the watch. He went back to
the box office and explained. with a courage on
which he afterWard said he rarely experienced
greater demands that though ne did not take the
watch he had IL So saying. he put his hand into
his pocket and pulled Out-a forgotten snuhbOx-
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26

likely to puzzle the chef and cover the visitor with
glory as an epiCure. and Sam promised faithfully
suits
OF the boys SallOped five miles after them TO tell
him to be to demand horned frog toast l
shall never forget the day that Sam back, -
continued the Texan, chucklng. He sneaked into
the camp by the lower trail and suddenly ap-
peared in the living room like ghost The boys
were all assembled at supper, and they
out? they shouted Tell US about itr Did y
about them owls toes? Sam looked distressed
Well fellers.' he said sheepishly. I have ter
admit they brung me what ordered And what
did y Order?' they bawled in excited chorus
IN tell ye how il was replied Sam slowly; 4
got bad Skeered after l set down that l plumb
forgot all you tole me, and ordered ham an eggs
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
ROOSEVELT MADE An EXCEPTION

Correspondence Of The Chicago Record
One of those drunken desperadoes that disgrace
every new cattle ground had from Bitter
Creek did try it on Roosevelt one night but
don't remember the circumstances. | wasn't pres
at the time. and heard two or three versions of
it afterWard. Near as l can remember this tough
thought he would make trouble for ROOsp-
welt by insisting upon his taking a drink with him
at the bar. He knew that Roosevelt didn't like
whiskey, and never drank in such places and con
cluded make him do it. But he didn't know his
So when he ordered the barkeeper 20 Sci
up the drinks for the crowd and invited everybody
in the room to join him, Roosevelt the first
person to step forward, and took the tough so
by surprise that the fellow actually ratified
Roosevelt offered TO shake hands with him and
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
IDENTIFIED.
20 TimeS-Herald.

From The Chicago Times Herald
Oliver Herford repeats with great delight story
James Whitcomb Riley tells about twins. These
particular twins live Mr.. Riley out in Indian
apOs. Once rot very long ago one of them was
naughty and TO punish her the mother made her
staV indoors all day. To add keener edge to her
disgrace favors were showered upon her sister
given a new parasol and went prancing up and
down the front walk in the greatest glee Pres
entity one of the neighbors came by and paused at
the gate to speak to the child.
You're one of the Brown twins, aren't your
asked the neighboT 49,,
-''Yes'm," answered the little girl
(Which twin are you?" the neighbOr inquired
The child gave her skirts proud toss.
''Oh' said she. complacently, I'm the good little
twin that's walking.
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
SOLD AT THE PRICE or PORK.
A STORY ILLUSTRATING SOCIAL REFORM IN
CHINA.

CHINA.
From PearsOn's Magazine
A couundrum with which the missionary n the
East has to contend is the question OF mOLdl..yii
The Chinese conception of morality IS pecnlar &ne
a DIuraIty of wives is not only pefLnlSSlDle' ous
oftentines commended. Prostitution Is common
and the sale of women Is not inIrequent- IN eL7
carly seventies Judge Yuan. truly SOO0 man
who presided in Chinan-FU. ordered the ponce 20
gather in an specimens Of frail womanhood tney
could Nearly hundred were arrested ana p1Seo pa1S
in the courtyard OF the magistrates n2use. lhe|
ensued a scene remarkable even Tor China-
First Of all the good Judge read proeiana-ion
declaring that he desired to make sOoO WOHisn
OF the unfortunates before him, and that ~ DIS DIS
opinion the best way to do this was 20 mary
them off to some good man Accordingly ne ~ou-o a
sell them Off no being allowed 10 take more
than one. At first no had the courage 70
select a wife. but finally an old farmer poihIeu
to one and struggling and kicking. she was car
ried to a scale and weighed.
Ninety catties," said the Weigher
How much a catte? asked the prOspttclLtse t
purchaser. in alarm lest he had insufficient IuIGs
What is the price OF pork to-day asked 1hs
Judge.
Ninety cash catty." replied the farmer -,
Then sell them at ninety cash a Catty, Sdld ne
Judge, and that the prevailing price BEFORE
night not one woman was left
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
SIMPKINS'S MISTAKE.

From The Cleveland Plain Dealer
The new bOarder thin and wore SpectacIes.
Parse the butter, please she said with souae
nauteur to young SimpkiuS
StmpkinS looked with a start.
Butter is noun. he said. "a common noun
singular number, neuter SENDER There he
stopped He that he had blundered
AS he handed her the plate with a cOnScieuce
stdcket smile he realized through an inspirg ON
that her pronunciation revealed the fact that she
direct from Boston.
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
FROM A WIFE'S DIARY.

From The Detroit Journal.
Ah met
Yesterday my husband exclaimed "ParbIeur' at
golf.
This evening he has just exclaimed "Hoot monT'
my fete champetre.
How humiatng to be married to such a cIOd of
man. with SOUL none of the finer sensibilitiest
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
ASSISTING NATURE.

From The Chicago Tribune
What are all these people along the shore and
in boats DOING? asked the maiden in the pale blue
taffeta shirt waist.
They seem to be dragging the river" replied the
Interested masculine observer.
Good land! Does the river run SO slow that II
has to be pulled aOng?''
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26

said 81 don't know you. stranger, but you
to be a good fellow, and think might he
friends l never drink at bar and don't like
whskey, but I'll join in this time solely out of re-
spect and admiration for YOU The bystanders
the sarcasm ans got the laugh on the tough,
but he of the best friends Roosevelt had
re nfLnLMlrl
New-York tribune., 1900-08-26
HAPPY ENPEDIENT.


d
4una Btr
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13
The Value Of Anpearnncea.

The day after the first battle of Cold
Harbor. during the seven days fighting
around Richmond, was the first time
met my father after 1 Joined the army
The tremendous work Jackson's men
had performed during their campaign
in the valley. their rapid march from
there to Lees left flank at Richmond.
the short rations, the bad water and
the great heat had begun to tell upon
them. On the morning / alluded to, my
battery had not moved from its bivouac
grounds Of the previous night but was
parked in an open field, waiting orders
Most of the men were lying down, many
sleeping, myself among the latter num-
Der To get some shade, and be out of
the way, 1 had craWled under a cafssou
and was slumbering profoundly, making
up many lost hours of rest. Suddenly
/ was rudely awakened by some com
rade prodding me with sponge staff, as
I had failed to be aroused by his call,
and was told to get up and come out. as
some one wished to see me. Half awake,
1 staggered out, and found myself face
to face with General Lee and his staff.
Their fresh uniforms. bright equipments
and well grOOmed horses cOntrasted so
forcibly with the war-wOrn appearance
Of our command that I was completely
dazed. 1t took me a minute or two to
realize what il all meant. But when I
saw my fathers loving eyes and kind
smile, it all became clear to me. and
knew that he had ridden by to look me
up and shake me by the hand L re-
member wen how curiously those who
were with him gazed at me, and ] am
sure that it must have struck them as
very odd that such a dirty, ragged, I'M
kempt youth could have been the son
of this grand looking man and victorious
general.
After AIcClellan's change of base to
Harrisons Landing, on James river, the
confederate army lay inactive around
Richmond. I had short furlough on
account of sickness and was sent into
town. met my mother at the door Of
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13


tubes in the boxes had been made by
Louis Levine. a tinsmith. of 104 Suffolk
street. and arrested him. In court yest err
day Lawyer Morris Gottlieb declared that
Levine was with Bernstein when he sold
the boxes. but Levine esta blished an alibi
and was discharged. Gottlieb is counsel
for ten other victims of the fraud.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13

sitting in the parlor in a straight back
ed chair drumming her finger tips on the
table. She greeted him with affected
cordiality He noticed that there was
that strange light in her eye that you
read about in yellow backed novels
when the wronged wife discovers her
husbands duplcity-
Amy letters?' asked hubby as he
Yes" very short yes at that was
the reply.
Hubby was bright. He knew some
thing was up.
who from ~ he asked.
Il don't know said his wife. Shall
I open it,"
Yes, sure. See who it's FROM
She opened it. MY Dear Boy" was
the first thing she saw THE hussy,"
she thought to herself and read few
more lines Of endearing words and then
looked at the signature Your loving
who is Elizabeth?" Numbered Mrs.
Smith.
Il don't know replied J. Smith.
'sShe writes to you and you ought to
know who it is snapped his wife.
But don't"
rs that addressed to you?'' she asked
handing him the envelope.
Why [ guess it is My initials"
''Then who is Elizabeth?'
MY dear, I don't know"
She was going to take her things and
go home but just then John Smith drop
ped IN ana II was all explained, Out ne
was mad at his sister-in-llw for reading
his love letters and James Smith, huS-
band before the war was over had to
buy his wife a new dress and Eliza
BETH was instructed afterwards not to
address her love letters to every -.
Smith in the city directory.
A young couple about to be married
started for a drive few afternoons ago.
The young man calledfo rthe young lady
at her home.
They walked out to the carriage and
got in Everybody in the neighborhood
knew that the couple was to be married
soon and every window had a face be-
hind it and no less than a dozen people
were watching the couple. The couple
knew it, They both resolved to them
selves to act very unconcerned and
make no mistakes. So they got in the
buggy The young man picked up the
lines but the horse would not move. He
spoke to the horse but the animal would
not bulge.
BE careful said the young lady,
''Oh, / WILL replied the young man.
He took out the whip and touched the
horse. The animal looked around as
much as to say what fool is that try
ing to drive me-" After all the neigh
borhood had come out on the porches to
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13

her house, and she did not recognize
me When she found out that this
dreadful looking creature was her son.
she immediately had me put into a bath
and all my clothing including hat and
shoes burnt IN the back yard. I do not
think was In worse condition than
many 81 the other private soldiers
Poor feiloWsi They all needed such
treatment about that time.-Robt j.
Lee, jr., in Frank Leslie's Popular
Monthly for September.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13

Do not get scared if your heart troubles
you Most likely you suffer from indiges~
ton. kOdol Dyspepsia Cure digests what
you eat and gives the worn out stomach
perfect rest It is the only preparation
known that completely digests all classes
of foods; that is why it cures the worst
cases of Indigestion and stomach trouble
after everything else has failed 1t may
be taken in all conditions and cannot help
but do YOU good. At all drug stores.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13

see the trouble and the young lady had
blushed and the young man had said
hard words to- himself a disinterested
party came along and advised the young
man to unite the horse before he tried to
drive off
A startling sequence Of events occurr-
ed one day last week in a Topeka house
hold. A large rat killed chick that
was just sprouting its spurs and tall
feathers; the family cat viewed the per
Torrance and made a meal of Mr. Rat,
after the family cat and the family dog
got into a political row, or engaged IN
heated battle through feudal instinct,
with the result that pussy parted COM
pany with all of her MAE lives at once.
These fast-following animal tragedies
bore heavily on the soul of one person in
the household in particular That was
the eligible daughter. Some heartless,
prophetic soul was inspired to work up
on the superstitious fancies Of this emo
tional maid and find in the event dire
full portent-
TITS an evil omen. surely" said the
prophet
..Of what2' the maiden gasped, her
pierced heart in a fiutter of apprehen-
sion, at once.
why, don't you know? It's a sign
that there will be wedding postponed
at your house,
And the little bride-to-be collapsed.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13
COLORADO Flyer.

Via ~Great Rock Island Route"
Leaves Topeka $40 D. m. arriving
Colorado Springs 1926. Denver 11:OO
o'clock next a. m
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13

A Topeka married man got into trou-
bic few days ago. But it was all
mistake. Such a horrible mistake.
Surprising his name was James Smith
and his brother was John Smith. Then
it happened this way only the names
James Smith married, very much mar
ried to a very jealous woman or perhaps
no more Jealous than any other woman
would have been under the circumstan-
house addressed to Mr.. J. Smith. The adj
dress was written by a woman. The en-
velope was blue tinted paper and highly
perfumed- Mrs James Smith received
it from the postman. She looked at it
and drew a very deep breath When Mr..
Smith came home at noon his wife was
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13

but the wedding has not yet been post
poned.
In this connection a new version of the
old old nursery tale seems apropos. Tbs
last paragraph viii suffice:
This rooster chick can't crow in the
MORN
To waken the priest, all shaver and
shorn, =
To marry the man all tattered and torn
Unto the maiden all forlOrn,
Who MIXED the cow with the crumpled
horn
That tossed the dog that killed the cat
that killed the rat that ate the
chick that pecl1ed in the house
that Jack built.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13

It isn't often that lawyer makes the
mistake of trying the wrong case but
the story is told of a Topeka lawyer who
made that blunder.
The lawyer was to bring before the
court the question of title to a piece
Of property for an aged couple and for
another client he was to secure a di-
vorce The Judge announced that he
was ready to hear the lawyers cases
The lawyer was one of that brand that
has a few books and still fewer clients
The fact was the two he represented in
court were about the first he had. He
was agitated but pulled himself together
and arose to state the case He an
nounced that his "aged client here bent
with the toll of years of labor could no
longer stand the abuse of a Grabbed
wife" And he pointed at the man who
wanted the title to the property adjust
ed.
NO! me-" said the man who wanted
the divorce.
1.-THE title" exclaimed the man who
was sitting beside his wife.
I'm, oh. all, yes sputtered the law
yer Z should say that this man here
wants a title to his wife,
About that time the court raped for
order and another lawyer helped the
young attorney out of his muddle. He
finally got the title adjusted and the d.
vorce granted.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13

Everybody reads the state Journal
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1900-10-13
ROCK ISLAND ROUTE.

Kansas City aud Return $2.67.
Tickets on sale October 8, IL, Is. and
10 Final return limit, October 20.