davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
A Novel Letter.

The following unique epistle was found
on suburban street car recently:
Dear John-This is wrote to you ia
let You know how NIL the family is. John.
We're dom purity well now. if | do say
1t myself. Your Uncle Jim had the good
fortune to lose his left leg on a railroad,
and got damages, and is now Twin with
US and payin board. which is great help
to MS. Your brother Bill fell in cellar
in Atlanta an broke his collar bone. for
which he got $50. and invested it in a
gray mule, which was cheap at the price.
Your gran mother has been cured of the
rheumatism and is now able to 10 the
family washin, and altogether. John We
are well off and mighty thankful to Prov
idencc, which always provides. '-Atlan-
"a Constitution.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Another Invention Needed.

AS she paused for breath he reached
Tor his hat and started for the door.
where ara you going?" she asked.
81 am goinG to telegraph TO Marconi."
he replied. land tell him that after he
has perfected his wireless telegraphy
there is another field of much the same
nature for him to Invade"
'What is it - she demanded.
Il want him to devote his intellect to
the invention of a voiceless curtain lee
ture. "-Chcago Post.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
ON PLEASURE BENT.

80.
brave hans ana frik went sHlinB In
a smart and speedy tiait
Ana fritz stood by The liIIcr, WINE
'oh, nor he cricd with mighty glees
Now THIS is something Ike!
wen hsh Tor whales and walruscs
saiIots lie Tor mel'
lie sang with nsht good VIII,
but as tne waves grew very big
AND as the boat ana roll and pitch,
quite soaking MN with spray
Poor lians soon turned from red to whi q.
on, tell me, mas the moon come upr'
Asked rrtn' win ncer thought
W now poor Hans was feeling while
'Oh, everything is coming up.
IL really seems TO mel
1hus answered miserable Hams
ne sat Gown on the shining deck
Ana heid ms aching head
Por that was all mat he could hold)
And wished that he was dead
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
The Play That picases.

Dramatic Author have new play
which | should like You to examine.
Great Actrcss--Pardon me. but am so
overworkcd that it would be impossible
for me to
"'rhc scene is laid in Europe
don't want it,"
AT a most picturesque era Of mediae-
val tines
II have plays enough"
at is in five acts
keep it in your pocket
"Fiftoeu SCENES
"Won't have it,"
"And calls for % changes of COS
tune
I'm take it."-Ncw York Weekly.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

81 see you printed something the other
day about the disadvantages of myopia-
nearsightedness, you know" said the
man with glasses yesterday. "Now, I'm
afflicted that way myself. 4 few nights
ago when | went home it was raining
hard My umbrella was wet and car
ried it Immediately to the kitchen 10
drain. Casting about for something TO
stand it in, my eye caught some sort Of
receptacle on the floor near the stove,
which took to be the coal hod, so stood
the umbrella in it and went to bed. The
next morning the cook gave notice. She
had found my umbrella standing in her
shoe. "-Syracuse Post Standard.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

You're not reasonable, count. You
don't pay me, and still you demand re-
duction of 20 francs ON each suit of
clothes"
oh, it's entirely in your interest, my
good man, You'll lose 20 francs less. -
Polichinclle.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Their Vacation.

Rivers, being somewhat Of hunter,
spent his vacation this year in the wilds
of the north.
He took his new double barreled shot
gun with him.
And Brooks of course went along.
They have Just returned.
1t didn't do Rivers much good. lie is
several pounds lighter than when he went
away.
Brooks. however, is nearly pound
heavier
But the doctor hopes to have it all pick
ed out of his skin before the end of the
weck,-Chicago Tribune.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
On the Crowded street Car.

'John, have you got the basketT'
"Yes. Molly"
"An my gray shawlW
'Safe an SCUM
"An Maria's box, with her new
hat in it?"
IT'S here"'
"An the bolt o. calikerT
"You're settin on it,"
well, fer the lan's sake, where's tn
baby?'
He looked in the basket the bandbo;
and the gray shawl, then said heplessly
ITS my opinion, Molly. we left hin
in the dry goods store
And then she pulled the wrong cor,
and rang up - fares before the conduct
or could interfere and let her off the car
Atlanta Constitution.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
An Apprerintive Comment.

"That little boy of Bnx's is a wonder,
fully bright chap"
"The one who recited2"
"Yes"
zone of the brightest children ever
met. III bet that when he gets to be ~
old as his father he'll be too smart to
make his children get up and speak
pieces. "-Washington Star
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

She was engaged to he married TO a
man named Josiah Snoggs.
After all, said the friend who want
ed to be as clever as possible about it,
whats in namc:'
"A good big bank account" she replied
promptly.
YES; there was considerable real estate
in his name, too. but it was hardly nee
essary to mention that. Post.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Little snmmy's Inference.

Sammy Snaggs (who had just heard
his father use the word "bgamst')-
What is n higgcrmist, papa?
Mr.. Snaggs-A bigamist, Sammy, is a
man with two wives.
Sammy,, Then is p man with three
wives higgermist than the man with
two?-pittshurg Chronicle-Telcgraph
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Unconscious PIaGiarism.

CrmSonbcak-Ilow history does repeat
itself, doesn't it?
Ncast-What now?
why, in our town we had piano
concert the other night, and the artists
name was Professor Gridley When the
manager was ready to start the show,
he shouted, You may bang away when
ready, Gridley" ~ onkers Statesman.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Too busy to Notice.

"Yes. your honor, she went into
trance"
What did you do?"
81 threw a pitcher Of ice water on her
and yelled for the police"
did she come out of the trance?"
81 don't know. | was busy coming out
of the transom "-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
4 steady Gait,

81 haven't word 10 Jay about it," he
exclaimed as he sank into chair and
famed himself II have suffered hour
after hour and waited for cold wave.
But | haven't a word to say about the
weather"
Exhausted -
"No I'm penitent. I'm the man who
used to complain about the variability
of the climate. w ashington Star.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
With Considerable Force.

81 don't think her father quite under
stood me when | called upon him last
evening"
"Why not?'
"Well, asked him for the hand of hs
daughter, and he gave me his own
Chicago Post.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
The "Drnmntic" Drcyfu. Case.

"Nour testimony did not make the hit
we expected" said the friend.
Il know it, exclaimed the army Off
Ger as he ground his teeth. The judges
refused to give mo "A dress rehearsal last
night. Twas hington Star.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Was II u Hint!

"Iou mustn't play with Mr.. Borums
hat, Bobby" said young lady who was
entertaining a caller to her small brother.
why mustn't II" asked the young
ster.
Because you might break it," replied
his sister, land besides he will want it
shortly. "-Chicago News.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

admitting the worst" said the be-
niGn looking man, "Dreyfus has much to
urge in eNtcuuation.'
"What, for instance"
"Why. think of the company he was
in on that general staff "-Philadclphia
North American.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
His Time VIII Como.

Fuddy--kwiverful, they say, is married
again. This is his fourth wife
Kwiyerful' better DO careful.
Hon get caught some day.
Fuddy-tict caught?
Duddy-Ycs; hen marry woman W no
will live Boston Transcript.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Explained.

"What does the phrase finished goods
mean? asked the reporter who was tenn
porarily assisting in the commercial de-
partmcnt as he looked mp from Il memo.
randum that lay on his table.
"'Finished goods. replied the com
merclal editor, 'meaus whisky or any
man who drinks Il great deal of t.
Chicago Tribune.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

what makes you so happy this even,
ing, Bobby
Il got lickin in school today"
"Well, | shouldn't think that would be
likely to make YOU happy"
you wouldn't, huh! How could boy
ever expect to git to he a hero il they
wasn't any teachers that could shy they
licked him wunstY'-Chicago Times-H
aid
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

"Ah," sighed Mrs. Plmsolc, "we're
never sure of anything in this life"
Yes, we are, her husband replied
Whenever your quiet for half minute
am sure that you'll say something soon
or bust, and I've never missed it yet -
Washington Leader
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

Jack-The ingenuity of woman is be
yond the comprehension Of man.
Tom What's wrong now?
Jack-Goung Blanks fnancee sent him
an deliberately constructed penwiper for
a birthday present, and he wore it to
church, thinking it was ncwfanged
cravat.-ChicaEo News.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
EOIIONinp fhe nnII.

"A splendid stroke! Did you follow
the ball, caddicE"
"No, sir; but | think that gentleman
with the red coat can tell you where il
struck. see him feeling of his head -
Tit-Bts.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

Mamma-What are you trying to
draw?
Little Ethel-An elephant.
Rather "A difficult subject"
I'D rather draw elephants than any
thing else, because people can always tell
what it is. They knows an elephant is
the only animal wifi two tais."-Etray
Stories.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
A Wonan's Wsy,

Anxious Mother-llow is it that you
have so much trouble with your house
keeping? You told me your wife could
cook.
Adult Son-She can.
"Ihcn what is the mnttcr?"
"Shc won't, New York Weekly.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
irving u he Gnnd.

"Ioe limp is getting od,'
'Nhy do you say that
because when he got back from fish
ing he said he hadn't caught anything
worth Dragging about. "-Chicago Rec
ord
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
4 Malicious Young Thing.

Miss Million (of unccrtain age)-The
only thing that worries me is the we'd
ding tour. 1t will be perfectly horrible
10 have people know
Miss Rosebud (viciously)-Oh, don't
worry. TheyG think you're his mother.
Tit Bits
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

Notwed - S'pose you're going to the
picnic tomorrow!
Beer Ved-Not exactly going to one,
but I'll be where there is one. I'm GO
ing 10 stay and mind the baby while my
wife goes.--Ohio State journal,
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

great improvement on the high, stiff linen
collars you used 10 wear, don't you?
Laura-Oh, yes. ! can tie them ever
so much Observation-Disclosures Tribune.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

"iong live the army" shouted one
Paris citizen.
You were abusing it moment ago"
es, but I'm not vindictivc. | want
to give 1t time to repent. "-Washington
Star
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
: Sicaln Set.

Office Boy-NIan outside says he has n
crow to pick with you.
Edi:or-Just like 'cm. Too mean to
furnish turlley.--Atlanta Constitution.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

"That follow Why, he hasn't a thing
in the world that he can honestly call his
own"
"Ah, you wrong him, There is always
his thirst, "-Chcaso Times Herald.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

"Wo1ld YOU like TO have the world at
your feet?"
Il have. | am not standing on my
head Am Philadelphia Bulletin.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

SIZE doesn't Indicate quality. Beware of
counterfeit and worthless salvc offered for
peNltrs Witch Hazel Salvc. DeWitt's
is the only original. An infalible cure for
piles and all skin diseases
j. w. OSullivan w =. Han. +. II.
Parker, T.. Gosselin, T.. Il. Craudau. Wi
nooski.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

The Old Timer-Ah, me, the days Of
chivalry are past
The Bud-iou miss them drcadfully,
presume York Journal.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Matrimonial Hiss.

Young Mothcr-l can't imagine what
makes the aaby cry so.
Young Father-Ill bet he heard me say
l managed to yet a little sleep last night.
Chicago News.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

Say. haven't you been eating onjons?"
asked the patient, sitting up and shifting
suspiciously.
NO, answered the barber, that is the
disinfectant "-lndianapols Journal.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

She-Of course. il 20 to the theater
with you, Will have a chaperon.
IIc-Why, didn't suppose that was
necessary.
Mamma says it depends upon tho
man. Brooklyn Life.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Hard Won Acquisitions.

81 nm self made man." remarked the
boasttul American.
$50 am H. said the Due de Stramo-
mum. ia never have had any more
title than YOU have il ! hadn't got out
and hustled for it."-W ashington Star.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

"Yes, we have closets in our fiat, hut
we can't open them
Cant open themT
"No; when we do. everything in them
jumps out at Detroit Free Press.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
stood For the Deficiency.

Zones verses don't cover the ground
fully"
mo, but Jones does. The editor has
just laid him out."-Atlanta Constitu-
ton,
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

Jimsy-Wot did youse git arrested fer?
Riggs-Trowed banana skin on de
pavement.
Jimsy-Did de cop git ontcr It?
Eiggs-Yep.-New York Pres.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

Albert, isn't it lovely here at the sea-
shore to see the silver waves come tum-
bling in"
YES, Edna, and to see the silver dol
lars go tumbling out."-Chicago Record.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Most limitations Are Not Clever.

doesn't it hurt your conscience to
wear those pretty bird wings on your
hat
1T does a little because they are not
genuine wings. They are only clever i'm
itations. Chicago Tribune.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
THE, KILLING PASSION

Floor Walker-HIurry out, madam The
stores arre!
Mrs. Purchase.-O no. is It? Then I'll Just
wait for the fire sale philadelphia NaCth
American.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

Mrs. Snooper-l wonder if it is true, as
DR.. jacob says, that the baby of today
has better chance Of living than the ba-
by of 30 years ago?
Snooper-Certainly it is. The baby Of
30 years ago is half century old now.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

"Tve got little legal question here l
want settled"
Going to a lawyer"
"No; I'll just run up here and ask the
secretary of war" - Cleveland Plain
Danlar
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Asserting Himself.

1Ic-Will you be my wife?
She-Thc idea! Don't be ridiculous.
He-Yes, | know it sounds ridiculous;
but, then, I'm not so particular as some
men are boston Transcript.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
rME OlL-CAN BENDS sICCEssNK.

THE OlL-CAN FlENDS SUCCESSOR.
Tie old-timo cook with the coal-oil can,
who oft hurried hence without definite
pan.
Has been overshadowed and forced to re-
tire
BY the man who thaws dynamite out by
the fire.
Chicago Record.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Cures For Ipson,uia,

"Jonas, the newspaper said that il you
hold your breath you can get to sleep"
martha. you hold yours. and let's see
how that works. "--Chicago Record.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18

81 have nine invitations to dine"
What will you do about them"
''Im trying to trade some Of them off
for invitations to breakfast. "-Chicago
Record,
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
A KlnAL SlNllNl,nlt.

Tired Tompkins There's one job |
woudn't mind havin, Horace.
i'ungry Horace lin mtzcmonO-W What's
that
"Linoman fer or wireless telegraph
comp'ny.' -Iirc.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
what He Did.

"The doctor told me mustn't smoke"
sand what did you do them
~ got another doctor. "-Chicago Post.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
a Severe Attack.

81 have to be at home every night at
10 o'clock said the married man, "on
account Of the baby"
How old is she?'
"Thirty-two years"
WHAT"
"Yes. 81 years. You see, the baby 10
my wife. She never got over her in
fancy. Detroit Free Press.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
Worth Nothing.

The Bruiser-Say, kid, Sho owns dis
chair?
The Kid obodyll want ter own L il
youse sits down on de frail structure
New FORK Journal.
Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1900-01-18
NeighborS mud Strangers.

what is your opinion Of city people"
"Thcy live too close together and too
far apart. Chicago Record
The evening times., 1900-01-12
THE BRIDEGROOM FLEEs.
A Disappointed Fiancee Causes TN
Arrest of johnson Hicks.


WILKESBARRE, Pa, Jan. I2-Young
Johnson Hicks and Lille Gerson, of Lu-
zerne borough. we're engaged to be mar
ried. The day for the wedding was set and
the clergyman. who was to perform the
ceremony engaged.
On the morning of the day appointed
for the marriage Hicks visited the home
Of his fiancee. The best man made his ap-
pearance, and the bridegroom retired for
the purpose OF donning his wedding
clothes. The bride also went TO her room
to put on he wedding gown.
A half hour ,7ter all we're ready except
the bridegroom. He was gone-no one
knew where. The invited guests had by
this time arrived, and after waiting an
hour or more, began TO surmise that some
thing was wrong.
A search was inaugurated for the miss
ing man. The whole town was searched.
but no trace Of MIN could be found The
wedding gusests. then left
The other day Miss Gerson received a
letter from her recreant lover He said he
had been overcome by Il sudden impulse
and had left for another town. detec-
i've was sent after him. and he was
brought back here.
His sweetheart was very bitter against
MN and concluded TO prosecute him. She
brought suit for breach of promise and
HICKS was put under bail for trial at court.
The evening times., 1900-01-12
MORE DISTRICT FUNDS.
Commissioner Beach Seeks Them in
the Deficiency BIIl.


Capt. Lansing H. Beach. Engineer Com
missioner Of the District. recommended 10
his associates today that the following
items be included in the Emergency De-
fciency bill.
To be added to the existing appro9ria-
ton for the construction Of an eight-room
school building i'm northeast Washington.
$4,000 To rebuild the Loyejoy school.
5000 To be added TO the existing ap-
preparation for the construction OF an
cight-room school building In southeast
Washington. 5000.
For a manual training school for the
FIRST eight divisions. $4,000. For hCu-e
lot and furniture for truck company. to
be located in the northern part Of West
Washington. $4,000 For house. lO,. and
furniture for q truca company on Columbia
Heights $7.OG0.
For house. lot. and furniture for a
chemical engine company in TeuleytoWn
s. 600. for an eigbt-ToOm school building
in Hillsdale. $4,000.
The last four items are to be added to
appropriations already made for the pur-
poses named as the amounts originally re-
ceived are insufficient to build the various
structures in accordance with the provis-
ions Of the act making the appropriations.
The recommendation Of Captain Bea-@
was accompanied by a table which was
prepared by the Inspector Of Buildings
which shows the manner in which the
money has been expended that was oriEi-
nally appOrtiOncd TO the District. and thy
amount Of the deficiency.
The evening times., 1900-01-12
GENERAL MILES PROTESTS.
He Makes Complaint of IntercferencC
With His Orders.

General Miles has complained to Secre-
tGry Root OF the failure OF the Adiutant
Generals Office to forward certain official
communications to the Secretary OF War.
There have been. it Is said. number of
instances Of important recommendations
which have been shelved. aud which only
reached Mr.. Root after personal enquiry
as to their fate
General Miles has also called the Secre-
tary's attention to interference with ce--
tain orders issued by himself. The Incl
dent relates to Captain Van Deusen. Of the
artillery, who was assigned BY General
Miles to proceed to Europe and inspect the
manufacture Of certain mountain guns at
the Maxim works. When the officer reach
ed Washington on some official erTald in
connection with his new duties he found
be had been ordered to San Francisco to
take charge Of some guns. These weapons
he was to take to Manila and turn them
over to the senior artillery officer there
The original orders contemplated Cap
tain Van Deusen taking the Maxim guns
via Suez to the Philippines. where it was
believed by General Miles they would he
OF great service in the peculiar conditions
prevailing there. The timely discovery
change in the orders. made without the
sanction or knowledge of General Mics,
led to the revocation of Captain Van Deu-
sens orders.