Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1900-11-08
A WASTED EPITAPH

the trees where the duel was 10 take Mace
The sun had scarcely risen vet. and Mr.
Bodmin thought with profound grief that 4
was only yesterday that the great dietionar,
had been finished, and only last night thai
the doctor had held levee Of his admirers
m the Green Lion coffee house to eelebrat.
the event. Unfortunately Sir Edward
bfowne, being the worse for wine, had ven
tured to dispute with the doctor as TO th,
meaning OF "Zythus"
A malt liquor used by the Egyptians
SAID the doctor, as one with authority.
A connection made from crocodiles tear
and lotus leaves" persisted Sir Edward
viciously.
Sir, you are impairment" said the doc
tor. 1T is a malt liquor such as YOU YOUR
self would do well to cultivate in place OF the
more heady Palernian7
The doctor had accepted the invitation te
duel with his customary equanimity. lie
did not know one end Of the pistol from an
other, and Mr.. Bodmin was overcome with
double fear, being convinced, firstly. that
the doctor would be shot down Ike sheer
by hls antagonists noted duelist; secondly
that in his great concern to finish the com
position OF an epitaph which had already
thrown him into brown study, the doctor
would either forget to pull his trigger at al
or else shoot one Of the seconds-either Of
which mishaps would be counted TO him a,
a dishonor. But Mr. Bodmin was too faith.
ful an admirer to refuse the post of second.
The hasty manner, said DIR. Kittery, a.
they got out, in which affairs involving an
appeal 10 the ultima ratio are brought to
conclusion appears to me to be as intolerabe
10 the individual as it is disgraceful to the
community"
Have you been unable TO complete t"
asked Mr. Bodmin knowing that the doctor
was thinking Of the short time allowed for
his epitaph.
'Sir, said Or. Kittery, "my epitaph NAV
be ephemeral in duration. and must be less
than ephemeral in construction But bee
to remind you that it was at midnight die
agreed with Sir Edward on the subject Of
zythus, that three Of mc hours since have
been devoted to slumber, and that enc hour
and thirty minutes have been consumed driy.
ing to this glade IN that rackety cabriolet
You then ask me i have completed my
epitaph. My answer is No, cir, / have
not"
But you have effected something, urged
Mr.. Bodmin, knowing that there was no
chance Of the doctor attending to his pistol
while the epitaph remained unfinished.
If had effected nothing" said the doe
tor, Il should be fool. -
Pray let me hear what you have com.
posed, said Mr.. Bodmin, apologetically
Your Interruptions are insuferable, said
the doctor, severely, but 1t is my intention
to reeite the lines to you, in order that you
may record them in your notebook They
are to this effect:
" Stranger, here kittery lies-observe his
fan,
Slain by the reeking tubes unerring ball."
Admirable" murmured Mr. Bodmin. 1
The phrase, no doubt, has classic ring /
said the doctor, gratified, "but an epitaph 4
should be essentially commemorative, This /
only commentaries my death; my more i'm /
portant achievements are neglected
They speak for themselves" said Mr.. |
Bodmin. you could not improve on your
present lines"
Possibly | may be permitted, sir, to con-
sder myself as great an authority on the
subject Of epitaphs as you, said the doctor,
this laudation.
Certainly, certainly said Mr.. Bodmin,
in haste.
VERY well, sir. maintain that the epi-
taph is not complete. IL viii be my endeavor
% remedy il during the five minutes Of ex.
stenee that still remain TO me.
Mr. Bodmin clasped his hands in despair.
Here they were already on the ground, and
Sir Edward Brownies second already az him
10 measure out the PAGES and load the pis-
ols.
DIR. Kittery will not agree to Sir Ed
Yards version OF Iythus" inquired this gen
leman.
ne, SIR said Mr. Bodmin, sadly. "Dr.
xittery is not in the habit Of agreeing TO
nything that mislikes him
Meanwhile the doctor moved up and down
bstractedly, shifting his spsctacles as an
deA came or escaped him.
II shall be compelled, he murmured, TO
liter both lines Here, in this urn ian in
alusble Romanism), proud stranger, Kit
cry. No, that violates the rule that sub s
tantives must be separated
" Proud stranger Eh-what.
Mr.. Bodmin, paler than before, had come ]
.. and was pressing pistol into his hand. q
It's loaded, be said, as be led the doctor to ;
is position. .
& -
imself Here in this urn
you will not, beseeoh YOU. forget to pull '
le trigger when Sir Edwards second drops ?
is 'kerohiefg' said Mr. Bodmin. q
Yes. yes, said the doctor, inpatient OF
Iterruption. Here in this urn the bones Of /,
ittery-" :
IF. went on Mr. Bodmin, greatly daring, !,
'ou will but keep your pistol straight at SIR !,
iward. YOU may by chance hit HIM
III you will but oblge me, said the doc v
r, "by oeasing to chatter, ] have the cpl
ph on the tip Of my tongue. :,
"Gentlemen!" announced the other sec
d, Il shall ask YOU if you are ready!
,unt three and drop my handkerchief II
her reserve his fire he shall fall by my
nd"
Remember" said Mr. Bodmin, misers- al
'. slowly tearing himself sway. IN
Here in this urn the bones Of kitteTy fr
Ie." returned the doctor, for words be 4,
ed. II
Are you ready, gentlemenf One -
And for a word continued the doctor. -
'Twoi Threei" on