The Irish standard., 1900-09-01

pany? asked the scientists wife. "Well
people are continually trying to draw
me into conversation about the recent
eclipse" THAT is topic on which you
ought to be able to talk" "I'm per
tectly willing to. l don't mean to be
unsociable. But it is very difficult tc
think up enough words OF less than five
syllables to make people understand
what am talking about"
Briggs: The doctors say am suffer
ing from complication OF diseases
Griggs: How many of them have
you seen?
Seven"
"The trouble with you is that you are
suffering from complication of doc,
TORS"
Landlord-"I called to collect the
rent"
Little Girl-"Please, sir, mamma S
gone out and forgot to leave it"
Landlord-"How do you know she
forgot it,"
Little Girl-"Because she said So"
Don't you see that sign, Book
agents not allowed in this building'?"
I'm not book agent, sir. I'm lite.
nature promoter"
$50 the leading man refuses to play
the title role in The Hunchback.'
Why is that?" "He says he was en-
gagged to play nothing but straight
parts"
Cali right, then, We'll toss for it,"
said Tommy. "Here goes! You hol-
Ter. Heads or tails?" every well,"
replied little Emerson, of Boston, 81
prognosticate the falling of the OBJ
verse uppermost."
'They do not run for office in my
country" said the man with the fierce
British accent "They stand for it."
"And here" said the proud American,
'they run for it and the people have
to stand for it,
In wandering near the sea rocks of
st. Helena, General Cronje picked up
Il piece of broken glass. "What is
this?" inquired the general. SIT looks
like piece of lamp shade" responded
his wife. HIN! Perhaps it is the
shade of Napoleon!" One hour later
the English guards saw the joke and
grinned.
Guest-When will get my steak?
l have been waiting here fifteen min
utes. Old Waiter-That is nothing,
sir. 1 have been waiting here fifteen
years.
Mrs. Henpeck-You are the most un-
reasonable man! Henpeck-I? Mrs.
Henpecll-Yes, you! You always
agree with me, when you know love
to argue.
She-Do I talk in my sleep, John?
He-No. Not when you are asleep,
Maria-thank heaven!
Mr.. Jones-This is very poor econo.
my, Clara. Mrs. Jones-What do you
mean? Mr.. Jones-Why, for you to
buy a 40 cent stepladder and keep me
home from business to hold it for you.
Mother-Didnt I tell you not to
touch the preserves without my per-
mission? Son-Yes, mother. 'Then
why didn't you come to me and ask
me?" Because I wanted some."
Citizen-Dear me, how short the
years get as man grows older.
Officeseeker-Oh, say, old man, you
ought to go into politics.
Jane-That Mr.. Shallowpate is at
the door. Shall tell him you are en-
gagged?
Miss Pinkie-Show him into the par
lor. Jane.
Eyes, MISS
| "And, Jane, after he has laid his
box of chocolates on the mantelpiece
tell him 1 am OUT
"Say, did you hear about that acct
dent?'
"No. What was it,"
"a policeman got hurt by the acct
detail discharge of his duties."
Deacon Goode-They say your son
has been very successful in the min
istry.
The Practical Mantle has that.
Deacon Goode-He has brought
about great many conversions.
/ The Practical Mani don't know
anything about that. He has accept
ed three calls within eighteen months,
f'and got big raise each time.
cts funny how marriage changes a
man," said Spriggs' caller.
eyes," replied spriggs dreamily. 1T
used to be that was devoted to base
ball and football and basketball, and
now give all my spare time to baby's
bawl," and he arose hurriedly and
went into the adjoining room.
eyes, baby looks like his papa
said the proud young mamma. "I'm
sure he'll have a nose like him.
"Yes," replied the temperance lady
from next door, "you give the little
one gin for the collie, understand"
Copyreader-Here's a four column
story on germs in drinking water
What shall do with it?
Editor-Kill the germs.
Copyreader-Kill the germs?