davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
An Excuse that Failed.

Charles Miller, II Standard Oil
magnate whose home is in Frank.
lin, Pennsylvania, has u precocious
son less thar ten years Old in whom
hard business sense and worldly
caution are mighty developed. One
day Mr.. Miller said to his son: get
mp bright and early to morrow and
90 to church with me-"
My boy, 1t $ time for you to go
to church with me-"
IL don't think ] care about going
to church Tomorrow. replied Mas
ter Miller.
"Why not?'
"Last Sunday the preacher said
he was gong to preach about the
devil"
''Well?n
IL know he will say lots of hard
thing about the deviI--awfuI hard
things about him."
"WeII?"
Don't you think, papa, that if we
listened to that sermon it would be
rather unpleasant if we ever met
the devil some dayY'
But the boy went to church in
spite of his clever excuse.--Satur-
day Evening Post,
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
BOBBY AS A COURT oRIER

A Springfield lawyer has a son
about 10 years old and a daughter
about twice that age. The hoy has
been aroundthe court house a good
deal with his father, and the young
woman has steady beau. The 9th,
er evening the young man passed
the house, and the young woman
desired to speak to him.
"Bobby,' she said to her little
brother, "won't you please call to
Mr.. Brown"
Bobby knew the state of affairs,
and he hurried to the front door and
called out in the usual loud MI no.
tone of a court baiIiff:
John Henry Brown, John Henry
Brown, John Henry Brown, come
into court!
Mr.. Brown came in and Bobby
Withdrew to safe place.-Ohio
State Journal.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
All the Mans Fault.

There is an Oak Park man who is say
ing mean things about woman's
chirographY.
Last week business detained him in
Chicago the greater part of the day.
While taking his lunch he received a
note from his wife.
"Don't Forget G loves" he read, and
no matter how often he reread the scrawl
it was always the same:
"Don't Forget G loves"
"What in the dickens does Martha
mean?" he mused over his soup bowl.
"Who is G, whom does G love and what
have to do with the whole affair, any
way?"
Then he attacked the hot soup until
it burned his tongue.
&C.," he pondered; George,
Gresham, Grove? Surely she can't be
alluding to any of them. Yet, it looks
as though it might be important, for her
W bdht eile eiouUle W oollu d louo uoWH
here"
Finally he gave it up and went down
town. That evening the first thing he
said was: "Martha, who is G and whom
does G love?"
&C? I'm sure don't tknow, William"
"Don't know? Didn't you write down
to me that G loves?"
T?"
eyes. Here is the note. Read it your
SELF"
She did, and then came the storm.
"Well, of all the stupids!"
"Martha--"
"Not word! Your ignorance is in
excusable. Can'tyou read? Here--Don't
Forget Gloves'-that's what I wrote!
Don't F-o-r-g-e-t G-l-o-v-e-s! even
put capitals to make it palmer. How
many times have you tied knots in your
handkerchief to remember those glovesP
How many times have you stalked home
without them? That is why l sent the
note right down SO you couldn't forget
them. That cleaner will dispose of them
as unclaimed articles. "G loves indeed!
Now her husband says instead Of a
gold watch he will make a typewriter
her Christmas present. He doesn't care
to have his peace blasted by woman's
careless scrawl.' Chicago News.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11

house and lot in the city of St.
Louis. We understand Miss FutrelI
has been offered $4,000 for the
property, which cost her only $lO0,
The young lady is SAID to be well
deserving of the good luck that has
come to her. Some time ago she
determined to make her own liv-
ing and went to st. Louis and secur-
ed employment in millinery estab-
lishment, and now has q regular
salary Of $65 a month.-Cash Book.
The new county poor farm was
started up last Monday, January l,
1900, by Superintendent J, T. Hen.
son, with fifteen people under his
charge. This number was augment
ed on Tuesday by two more. The
county has for several years been
paying at the rate of $2S per year
for each pauper's keep, Mrs. Seeley
furnishing everything except medi-
cal attention and medicine. Now
the county will try the experiment
of furnishing everything, paying the
superintendent to care for them.
The county court has annouced that
it will not grant money aid to pau
pers, but if they are helpless, they.
may be sent to the poor farm
-Dunklin Democrat.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
SOUTHEAST MISSOURI

Cash Book: Married, at Oak
Ridge. Mo, on s Sunday, December
3lst, 1899, Gus Goham and Minnie
Huntsman, both of Zalma, BolIingcr
county, Mo, G. o. Snider, ]. P.
officiating.
Gangs Of boys were seen skating
early in the week in the vicinity Of
the sand bar on newly made ice,
scarcely stroug enough to sustain
an infant. Cape Girardeau will
have a holocaust the first thing any
body knows.-South East Gazette.
New Madrid county failed to vote an
appropriation of $25, 900 for new court
house. The vote was, 1853 against 1856.
Think of that-3335 persons opposed to
building a substantial court house in
that rich county! Why, Dunklin county
paid for its new court house in less than
four years, and no one was ever heard to
complain of the extra tax. New Madrid
county has taken a backward step.
-Dunklin Democrat.
Owing to the big Mississippi river
freoze over, railroad conductors,
baggagemen, mail agents and ex
press messengers, together with
passengers. nave been compelled to
cross the river on foot over the ice
to and from Cape Glrardeau. This
has been a very disagreeable and
somewhat perilons rtaking,
owing to the jagged and unsafe con-
dition of the surface to be travelled
over.-South East Gazette.
Fred Driemeyer, seventeen
wear old son of Fritz Driemeyer
accidentIy fell under train and
mangled his right leg. Drs. Norwine
and Pelton amputated the limb.
1t is dreadful to contemplate and
the people sympatbize with the
young man and his parents. Mrs.
Dremcyer is u sister Of Mrs. Barth
to whose home young Driemeyer
was taken to be attended.-St. Fran
els Herald.
Four prisoners escaped from the
Kennett Jail January 16, two of
whom, James Tettaton and Miles
Gregory, were sentenced to be
hanged. They cut twelve-inch
hole 10 the iron. bars after which
escape was easy enough. Governor
Stephens offers $100 reward for
each of the murderers, the reward
to stand for one year. The sheriff
of Dunklin County also offers $500
each for their capture.
| The Asylum Commissioners have
returned from the east where they
have been inspecting Asylum build
ings with Il view of obtaining def
mite ideas in regard to plans for the
institution TO be erected here.
They held Il meeting al the Laelede
hotel, ST. Louis, last Friday; where
they gave out the information that
the plans and specification would be
begun ut once by Architect Hohen'
scheid, and the work commenced
early IN the spring--St. Francis
Herald.
Miss Minnie Fntrell, daughter OF
DR.. FnlFell Of Whitewater Station,
held The lucky number which drew
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
Orders Are to be OheYed.

A Young man with decidedly
seedy appearance entered the super
lntendent's office, and placing his
hand famlliarly upon the snperin'
tendent's shoulder accosted him
thus:
"Boss, can you gimme joh?'
"What derartmentF
"Either brakin' or frin?'
ADO oyou know the Book ofRules!
"Some."
"WelI, let me see how well you
are posted. We will suppose you
were firing train that was rnnning
from Jersey City to PhiladeIpha;
the engineer would get killed and
you wonld take bis place. You
would find on bis clip that the train
had orders to take the sidetrack fol
another tram somewhere in the
woods where there was no tele-
graph Office. Now, suppose thai
train did not arrive there for, say
twelve hours, what would yon do%
"That would be the affair of the
conductor, not mine" ="
81 will take your name, and II
we have need of services we will
send for you. Good day.
The next applicant to enter seated
himself back of the superintendent
and waited for him to brerk the
silence, which be did shortly.
"Well, sir, what can l do for your
II would like to have job, boss. >
"In what department.
"Train servlce.'
care you familiar with the Book
of Rules?'
"a little.'
The superintendent then asked
him the same question as the first
The fellow scratched his head
then looking the superintendent
square in the eye he replied: "Boss
ifthe orders looked good, aud were
positive, would stay on that side
track until hades froze over"
SEQ down and report to Mr.
the trainmaster, for dutv.-Phila
delphia Inquirer.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
How Rear Admiral Luce Bested
His Superior Officer,

Rear Admiral Stephen B. Luce,
U. s N =, retired, has always been
noted for his ready wit, and a great
many stories are told among Naval
men Of his bright sayings, But Of,
all of them, perhaps the following
best illustrates his quick rapartee.
When Admiral Luce was young
man, an Ensign or a Lietenant-it
matters not here--it so happened
one summer that his ship for some
days lay at anchor off a we'll known
seashore resort. OF course the
officers, young ard old, were much
feted, and were often ashore One
night, after some function or other,
a party of the young officers, among
whom was Mr. Luce, set out for the
ship. They had ba1 an excellent
time and were feeling very jolly,
laughing and talking perhaps rather
hiIariously; they drew up to the
ship and, leaving the boat, Chamber
ed up the gangway, Mr.. Luce IN the
lead. The officer Of the deck, hear.
ing so much noise of mirth, met
them with a severe glance as they
stepped on deck. He looked them
over one by one, and then turning
to Mr. Luce, who was the life fthe
party, he said:
"Mr. Luce, am surprised; you
are tight, sil!'
Quick as u flash came the answer:
"Why, sir, | do not know what
you mean, sir. If Stephen B. Luce,
how can he be tight, sir?"
A ready answer turneth away
wrath. The officer Of the deck walk
ed away, laughing Saturday Eyen-
ing Post.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
The Remedy That Failed.

ut will only be necessary for
you to drop about half teaspoon.
full of the mixture into his cup Of
coffee each morning" the circular
said, "and the taste for Tobacco will
gradually depart from him. lie
may not cease the use of tobacco
Immediately, but within week he
will begin to abhof tobacco if the
mixture ID given to him faithfully
every morning"
And sothe young wife sent her
little $2 on and got IL hagon of the
tobacco cure.
"Pretty bnm coffee this morning."
no remarked dryly the first time
she dropped the halfteaspoonfn Of
the mixture ioto the cup.
ats tho same NJ we've been Us.
Ing right along" she replied, craft
ly.
Now, 10 and behold be was q
pretty smooih proposition himself,
and he had, nnknawnst to her, seen
the package holding the Gagon u
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
The Great Presidential Cam
paign of 1900,

The wars of America have, heretofore
settled affairs of state. Great questions
of policy, Of national motives and
national conclusions have been answered
as soon as the battle smoke cleared away,
and the victor realized his victory. The
war with Spain is unlike its predecessors.
1t has not answered questions, but has
created problems which may not be solv-
ed lightly. These problems are being
formulated by the political parties, and
before they can be definitely settled at
the ballot box it is necessary that the
people be informed in regard to the
situation. The result of the campaign
of 1900 will make a broad mark upon the
page of history; it will doubtless es-
tablish the policy of the great Republic
of America for quarter of century.
1t is vastly important, therefore, that
every citizen shall study the situation
through that best of mediums, a great
newspaper. The most reliable news
paper, the best newspaper, is. the Semi
Weekly Republic, which affords COM
prehensive view of the political situation
in all its bearings. Itpublishes the new
news. The Semi Weekly Republic is a
Democratic paper, but it offers to its
readers the news regarding all the politi-
cal parties, and this without prejudice.
1t is fair newspaper. Its telegraph
and cable news service has been proved
to be the best employed by modern pa
per. It's special features are unsurpass-
ed, 1t is the newspaper for the reader
who has not access to daily paper.
News features, art, and literature COM
bine to make The Republics Sunday
Magazine specially attractive weekly
magazine. The half-tone illustrations
printed in this magazine surpass any
thing ever attempted by newspaper.
These products OF Photography are worth
the price of the paper. Special articles
by trained writers on the news and the
subjects engaging the public attention
are prepared for The Republics Sunday
Magazine. A distinctly useful and
attractive feature of this magazine is the
fashion department. Always reliable
and up with the times, the ladies find the
fashion page delight Indeed The
Republics Sunday Magazine appeals to
every member of the family.
The subscription price Of the Semi
Weekly Republic is Si.0Oper year. The
Republic Sunday Magazine si.25 per
year. Both papers arc now being Offer
cd at the very low price Of si.b0 for one
yoar. TO secure this low rate both must
be ordered and paid for at the samo time.
Address all orders 10 Tho Republic,
Et, Louie. Mn,
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11

"Have you read about that new
arrangement called the phonotype.
writerY" asked the business man of
MISS Blank, his private secretary
"It's something to do away with
you women in the business world"
he went on. "It's very simple
You Just Sit and talk into receiver
like the phonograph, and the type,
writer writes your letter. Simple
simplest thing ever offered for
patent, | shall order one just as
soon as IL Is on the market.
aim sorry for you girls who are
here in this world oil alone, fighting
along, but You must got mnrricd
You must get married. ] believe
the phonotypowritcr will do more
than revolutlonizc tho present con
dition of the business world, 1t will
restore women to their proper
sphere.
"What's thiS' The business man
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
ZALMA.
We are having plenty of mud.

We are having plenty of mud.
Prosecuting Attorney Caldwell
was on our streets last Friday.
Mrs. J. W. D xon is in St Louis
visiting her sister Mrs. A. Mayer
Sam J, Mcminn our Circuit clerk
his brother Andrew Of Buchanan
was on our streets the 4th.
Mrs. J. W. Wilkinson is very
puny with consumption.
Dled--Jan. |, 1900 Daisy Ida,
daughter off. W. and l.. G. Dixon
age eleven years and eleven months
Lath Burton is reported to be
growing worse all the time. with
consumption,
The lawsuit before Squire
Cameron of Greenbrier last Friday
between the State VS.. Harrir
Bowers was continued until the 18th
op account of the prosecuting wit
ness taking TO much Cooney barger
How can the churches remain
silent while the American flag
protects slavery and poIigamy in the
Snlu Islands.
j. W. Dixon took Jacob Deck to
Marble Hill last Friday to board
with sheriff Neninger.
Zalma Lodge No, 545 A. f. & A.
NJ installed the following officers
lasi Saturday night for the insuing
year, ] W Dixon, W M; J. W HUFF
Sr. W; j. D, Glasener Jr W; Rainey
Sears, treasurey G.. W. Hasting
secretary; Henry Games, chaplain
J, V S'inkard Sr, D; James A
Crooby Jr D; D. W West Sr, s, A
Gates Jr s, and W. w, Grimsley
Tier. Aleen Aroon.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11

Fruit culture not only adds great.
ly TO tho material Advancement of
community by converting idle, and
in many instances otherwise useless
ground, into productive orchards
and thus increasing the volume OF
The community's income, hut the
introduction OF orchard culture adds
greatly to the social up.buIIding OF
the people, the promotion Of tenn
peranee and education and the com
tort aud pleasure of living.
People who ARE amply supplied
with good ripe fruit and use them
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11

discretely not only enjoy better
health but show decidedly less in
clination to intoxicating drinks and
heavy animal foods than those Iiv'
ing in less favored locations.
The farmer who plants an orchard
not only has the pleasure of watch
ing the growth of his labor, enjoy
lug the results of his toll in the way
of a supply of good things. for the
enjoyment of his family and friends
but he can see bis children grow
strong and healthy and enter upon
life free from vicious tastes. No
home is complete without its
urchord.-Farmers Guide.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11

IT has been some time since we heard
from our German friend, Ernst Ally, Of
Blackwell, No.. but he is all right, as
this extract from letter just received
from him will testify:
"Please don't stop mine JOURNAL. |
will send the monny so soon can ring a
dollar from the trust Goldbugs and all
the other vermin. managed to scrape
up the monny to pay tax by leaving the
Christmas label empty Of presents; SO
even the famihe hate the Goldbugs
worster as potato bugs, because they
can't pick them Goldbugs Off"
Mr.. Aly's family is not the only one
that went without Christmas presents
on account of the prevalence of Gold
bugs. Such bugs are very destructive
to the interests of the common people,
even more SO than potato bugs, as Mr..
Ally suggests. They eat up the poor
mans substance and leave him no means
with which to gladden. the hearts of his
wife and children at the joyous Christmas
tide.-Valley Democrat.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11

agin tobacco when it was delivered
So after dinner that evening be
produced large bulky package OF
fine cut tobacco from his pocket and
took therefrom a plenteous chew 0f
tobacco. 1t was the first chew he
had ever taken in her presence, and
she n,arveled greatly thereat, hut
she determined TO persist with the
"treatment."
"Dead rank chicory again this
morning, isn't it?'' he inquired at
breakfast the next morning.
''l'm sure it tastes the same to
me-" she replied.
That evening after dinner he pro
duced a short, black clay pipe AMI
package of a new kind CT tobacco
that was as black as the ground
work of a Jelly Roger.
Thought I'd bring this old dud.
cen up from the Office he explain,
ed cheerfully. ats sweet as nut"
Whereupon he filled the house
with the aroma of punk that was
strong enough to break rock.
"This grocery person who gets
all of my wages is certainly doug
US on the coffee game,' he remark.
ed when he tasted his cup next
morning.
Really she said, gazing inno-
Gently at the ten-cent bunch of a3tcrs
in the middle Of the table. II can't
detect any difference
"And yet there are low foreheads
who don't believe that all women
are actresses" said he to himself
on the way to his office that morn
ing.
That evening he brought home a
box of auction stogies, and after he
had smoked one Of them after din
ner all Of the people in the neigh
boring flats stuffed cotton in the
hall door keyhoIes and closed the
hall transoms.
al must persist. though" thought
his batfled lintle wife, gloomily.
"Cot1ee tastes like stewed gunny-
sack again this morning. he re.
marked at the next breakfast. She
felt bit sorry for him, but she was
determined to use up that flagon Of
"agin tobacco" if she had to chlOro-
form him and pour it down his
throat.
That evening, however, her reso-
luton deserted her. After dinner,
for the first time to her knowledge,
be pulled outa package Of cigar
cites, lit one and began to smoke
1T.
"Cotfee's all right this morning.
said he ct breakfast the next day.
"Yes?'' she inquired, absentIy.
When he had finished his dinner
that evening he lighted one of his
usual brand Of good cigars.
"Mcn are mysterious to me-" she
thought, regarding him out of the
tail of her eye.
"Womer only think they're
foxy he thought, blowing smoke
rings into the Swiss curtains ban
gor Commercial.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11

SECRETARY GAGE has placed the
receipts of the internal revenue de-
partment ofthe governmentamount-
ing to about one million dollars per
day at the disposal of the City
National Bank of New York with
out interest. To have the use of
three hundred millions Of govern
ment money when the market is
tight is perquis1tie Of no mean
dimensions The securing of these
deposits proves the thrift Of the
Standard Oil crowd who own the
bank. They know how to provide
a campaign fund tor the republican
party without taking it out Of their
own pockets
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
McKinleY's PRAYER.

Our father who art in England Roths-
childs be thy name, thy kingdom come
to America. Thy will be done in the
United States as 1t is in England. Give
us this day our bonds in gold, but not in
silver. Give plenty of laboring mems
votes to keep monopoly in power, and lie
friends in office. We know, our father,
that we have done many things that
we're wrong; we have robbed the honest
poor. and brought distress to many O
poor man. We know that 1t was wrong
TO refund the bonds and mako them pay
able In coin; we know II was wrong to
water our stock, but thou hnowest that
wo made money by that. Now, our
father. thou knoweat That wo ara above
politics. Itis III TIE aatfe 70 III whether
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
Beers ARE GREAT PIONEERS.

The Boer is the ideal pioneer.
From the days Of the Great Trek,
in 1887, and even before that, he
opened up countries hitherto unex-
plored by white man. A great
deal of fuss has been made of mighty
travellers, English and foreign, who
have traveised Africa, to the vast
peeuniary benefit of their publish
ers, and with no small need offame
to themselves, But there was
scarcely one oftbe old Voortrekksrs
and hunters OF the '40s and '60s
who did not accomplish foats OF on.
daranee, pluck ani lengthy travel
which we're ten times ~ tFyipg..a,
london Mall
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11
Hill. Missouri. Thursday. JanuaryI1 1900

Gold Democrats or Republicans rule
for thou knowest that we are able tt
sway such parties in our favor. Lead
us not in the way of the Common
people," the farmer our laborer and
above all deliver us from is to /. Thus
shall we have the kingdom bonds, inter-
est, power and gold till the Republicans
shall end. o Lord Amen.-Frederick
town Democrat.
Marble Hill press. (Marbel [sic] Hill, Mo.) 1881-1923, 1900-01-11

The republican who voted for
Mckinley because he believe it was
the honest purpose of the lepdbIi
can party to restore silver to IT'S
place as a money meta as soon as
other nations would agree TO that
policy, cannot now fail to see how
he was deceived by the platfor m
declaration. The party in 1896
professed opposition to the gold
standard. Now the proposition is
to place the gold standard in the
statutes so that it will take years to
change it. This will be the Issue be-
tween the parties during the coming
session Of congress and in the next
campaign and there can be no excuse
for any bimetaII1st again being de-
celved... .SedaIa Democrat.