Union gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1899-1900, 1900-03-30

an 1ncurable patient TO der IF he
can't die without medical assistance,
yes."-Detroit Journal
Appreciation.-Dr. Fox-What sensa-
tion arises from the contemplation Of
self? Bushong-The sense of the beau
tiful.-Roanoke Collegian.
Mrs. Grill-Oh, dear! I've sung to
! this baby for an hour. and she hasnf
stopped crying yet. Mr.. Grill.Proba.
bly, she has been waiting for you to
stop.-Tit- Bits.
Not to BE Caught.-"There's a boy
wants to see you. SIR" HAS he got
bill in his hand?" 'No. SIR" "Then
he's got 1t In his pocket; send him
awayw-Punch.
Foozle-We don't call them "bunk-
ers" over on our links now. Tee-No.
what then? Foozle-They're so hard
to get over we call 'em "kopjes."-Bal-
timore American.
Frayed Feeter-Bill says he kin re-
member de time dat he swan in lux
ury. Torne Tatters-Yes; he fell into
a beer vat once while applyin' fer job
in brewery.-Judge.
Clara-They say Nell is going to mar
ry man old enough to be her grand
father. Maude-Is it possible?
! didn't suppose there was man living
that old.-Chicago News.
Liveried menial-Me lud. the carriage
waits without. Lord Fitz Josher-
Without what? Liveried menial-
Without horses. me lud: 'tis an auto
mobile.-Chicago Record.
The Deacon-Oh, Lord, eff dis yere
chicken be stolen. we hope you will
oberlook de fact fo' it's almighty
small, almighty tough, an almighty in
adequate to go 'round.-Life.
Shea married couple should pull to-
gether like team of horses. He-Yes,
and they probably would If, like team
of horses. they had but one tongue be-
tween them.-Chicago News.
Miss Palisade-I caught Miss Pan
handle listening to the music at the
opera the other night Miss Summit
Well. you know she has never had
many social advantages.-Life.
+ Sure They Are Beautiful.-S She-Men
are more conceited about their looks
than women. He-Prove it. She-Men
always put their hats on without look
ing in the glass.-Chicago Record.
The vexed Question.-Trainboy-
Scribner's, Harper's the new Gen.
tury- Old Gentleman (waking up)-
Nonsense! 1t won't be the new CEN
tury till next year!-Haryard Lampoon.
Practice Makes Perfect-Clerk-You
can't get these boots on. You should
try size larger. O'Rafferty-Niver do
yez moind. Orll be able to git thin
on afther OF wear thin a toim or two.-
Chicago News.
"What is the difference between the
State Of Massachusetts, and Ken
tucky?" "Give 1t up. Colonel" "Massa-
chusetts produces boots and shoes, and
Kentucky produces shoots and booze"
Washington Star.
Kipling's model: The tramp-Will
yer gimme something ter eat lady2
The lady-You forget to say please"
The tramp-'Scuse me. ma'am; yer see,
I'm the original absent Minded Beg
garT-Town Topics.
Mrs QuiVive-Dear Mr.. Surplice,
can't make up my mind what Lenten
sacrifice will be the most acceptable.
Mr.. Surplice - AhI- oh! = well = dear
madam-suppose you give up trying to
run the church.-Life.
Jones-Curry is an awful unfortunate
fellow. Jackson-That SO? Jones'
Yes; he snores SO loud that he always
wakes the baby, then the baby cries so
loud he wakes Curry. so they have to
walk together.-Tit-Bits.
A modern test: "He's a very great
man." said the awe-stricken young
woman. ''Oh, don't KNOW" answer
ed Miss Cayenne; II haven't seen any
magazine articles written by him about
self."-Washington Star.
Hard on George: Weary-W'y amt
youse got no use fer Washington?
Leary-I don't like de front part Nv his
name; an, anyway, anybody w'ot dis
played fondness fer chopin wood at
sich an early age hez my profound con-
tempt.-Judge.
"What Is your waist measure 7" asked
her dearest friend. "Really, I've for
gotten" replied the demure little maid
en-. For a moment she was buried in
thought. Then, turning to her escort,
she asked: Harold. how long is q
mans arm. anyway Y-Chicago Post.
Mrs. Smyth docking up from her pa
per)-What does it mean In the Wash
ington news when 1t speaks of "the
lower houseT Mr.. Smyth-That means
the House of Representatives. The
Senate is higher. Mrs. Smyth-How is
1t higher? Do you mean that 1t costs
more to get Observation-Disclosures Rec
ord
No cause to worry: 81 suppose" he
said. as they undulated around the hall,
that my mother woC.d be awfully
worried If she knew l was here. She.
thinks 1t is a terrible sin to dance."
"Oh, never mind" the girl said; "she
wouldn't know you were dancing, even
if she saw you."-Chicago Times-Her-
aid.
They heard noise in the kitchen and
crept down. He carried a pistol and
she a curtain-pole. Then they discov-
cred the cause of the noise. "Did you
see that rat jump out of the oven?" she
gasped. hloding her skirts; ''why didn't
you shoot him?' Because he was just
put Of my range" he chuckled.-Chi-
cago News.
As She Remembered.
Little Bessie's mother sent her to her
fathers Office one afternoon to find out
when he would set out for home. In
answer to her query the father replied:
Il shall start, my dear, just as soon as
have filed these papers,"