Tazewell Republican. [volume] (Tazewell, Va.) 1892-1919, 1900-05-24
Entertaining a Burglar


with a will of her own.
Ny wife's name is Maria
l have not named the pecuharities
vet, though 1 expect to some day.
They have generic names. however
One of them is timidity. am not recH-
less and l do not want to be. have
seen too many reckless men hustled
into untimely graves to be anxious to
emulate them. 1 saw Bill Jenkins, who
was at Gettysburg, kicked into heaven
by a mule. That settled my mind so far
as violent death is concerned.
Just here, however, my wife comes
in. She always does what 1 don't want
her to. She thinks church "socials
the essence Of life, and declares she
couldn't get along without them 30
she goes to the socials and stay at
home.
The village is eight miles away, and
when she goes she stays all night with
one of the sisters" and takes our boy
with her. That is where my tmidity
comes in to bother me. l have to stay
all night alone in a big house, and
don't like it. From the time that Maria
goes till she comes back worry con-
stantly about burglars, tramps, foot
pads and highwaymen. l never 1eei
secure until 1 hear her dear familiar
voice singing out from the front gate:
"Well, Bill, haven't you got the wood
chopped YETI"
After that brighten up good deal.
Well. the incident am about to re-
late has to do with both my peculiari-
ties and my wife. There was church
social. Maria insisted on going, as
usual: and when Maria insists, /, as a
natural consequence, have nothing to
say. let her go, therefore. But l
was unusually nervous at being left
all alone in a dark house at night.
had quite sum of money in the house,
the proceeds of our hay crop, so load
ed the shotgun with double load OF
buckshot and placed it at the head OF
my bed. I hoped to be able to fire this
| shotgun, or rather its contents, into
any burglar who might chance my
way. 1 had never fred it, however, in
nv life, and / am sure was as much
afraid of the hind end OF it as any bur-
glar would be of the other.
Night fell and I retired to my cham
Der. 1 did not undress and go to bed,
for 1 knew very we'll 1 would be un-
able to sleep. So I sat down at the
open window and looked out at the
yellow moonlight of the autumn night.
Though wide awake all the time, L
must have been exceedingly quiet, per-
haps more so than 1 would have been
in actual. repose; for it was to a spot
near the window on the first floor,
directly under my own, that my at
tention was attracted about midnight.
AS the clock struck that lonely hour
I heard dull, rasping sound directly
beneath me, and guessed correctly
that my long-expected burglar had ar
rived. 1 peered over the window sill.
There he was beyond a doubt. The
rasping sound was caused by ladder
brushing against the side of the house.
He was placing it in position so that he
could climb into the very window at
which l sat. No doubt he had noticed
that it was open and afforded an easy
entrance to the house. Otherwise l
suppose he would have picked the lock
of one of the doors. I wish he had
done that. l have always had burn
/; ing curiosity to see lock picked.
have seen tooth picked, but 1 never
I saw lock picked.
In few moments more he was climb
ing the ladder. He appeared to be a
great, shaggy, unkempt rascal. The
1 shotgun was within five feet OF me,
and 1 could undoubtedly have blown
his brains out then and there had the
thought occurred to me. But must
; confess that the gentle arts Of diplom
. acy are much more to my taste than
!, the horrors Of war, so I paused and
considered. I~have often paused and
considered in my life without appre
:, ciahle effect; but on this occasion
plan of action occurred to me so oppor
tunely that regard it as Napoleonit
to this day. 1t was simply this: l
|. too. would be a burglar, and would joi1
T forces with the invader in robbing my
own house. Such plan would un
' doubtedly save my life, for they say
Z that there Is honor among thieves. II
: Is well that there is. by the way. Their
Is mighty little among honest men.
NV idea grew in my mind. Perhap
- I could do more than save my life
y Knowing where all my valuabies were
: could be of material use to my Dul
glar, and perhaps he would give m
= something for my pains.
:. slipped noiselessly down the bac
,e stairs and out through the htche
door. Then went to the corner OF tn
: house and said "Hellol" in a sort
Y, whispered shout. never knew coul
p brighten anybody before. but m
n salutation certainly had that effect o
my burglar. he dropped from abot
= the seventeenth round on the laddt
J. to the ground with what the newsp'
n = pers call "dull, sickening thud."
"What do yer want?" he asked, aft
: he had recovered his breath.
y, 81 just want to be friendly" al
:, swered, advancing toward him. II
a burglar myself, and thought v
: might just ss well join forces, ye
+ know. / had Just effected an entran'
when you came up. I heard you' al
: feared we might disarrange ea'
!. others plans"
J. "Humphl" said he. you don't 100