The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1900-02-07
TOLD BY TIE GosSTPS.

The madfteSt man in salt Lake city yes
terday morning was a boot and snoe
drummer. and in consequence the REPRE-
sentative of an eastern grocery house
was lodging around town ike new citi-
zen getting out Of the way If poll tag
collector The two had been taking II
the southern towns OF the state, and 70
lessen exp enses were going It double.
They reached the city late at night, tired
cut. Before retiring, the boot and shee
man had congratulated himself upon
reaching the city, and the prospect ahead
of getting 8 civilized breakfast, as he
expressed it.
The grocery man is an early riser and
was in to breakfast before the shoe man
was u.
Calling the water to him. he said;
Il am a physician. travelling Win a
man who is afflicted with sort OF luh-
acy He IS a man Of wealth. and 1 nave
been placed in charge of MIN Dr. ms
friends His lunacy is Of a character tial
he must not have any neallaS FOCUS e.
peeiany for breakfast
Here he minutely DESCRIBED the supe
man and then continued; Il nave To 50
out and cannot be here when ne comes IN
for breakfast. He VIII order blg Dll.,
but as YOU value the man s lie YOU mus
only let him have O. pOached egg. q glass
of milk and two small s'lcsS ~ toast.
The waiter promised % follow dnec-
tons ana aIIeT edLiES MS tLCcA0Af-9N ~
grocery man left the hotei.
Shortly after, the shoe drummer en-
tered the dining room ana TOOK ms stat.
The waiter spotted him ana STOOD ~ a
respectful distance while ne ordered q
sirloin steak. two boiled eggs, a couple OF
rolls and fried potatoes, together Win
milk and coffee and not cakes on the
side. Shortly. after, poacned egg tMo
thin pieces of toast ana glass OF min
were placed before aim.
see here. waiter; there's been some
mistake he cried. Il ordered q slfloln
any Yes s% 1 Know. Sir: but 1t can't be
Can. be helped?' yelled the drummer.
.'Do you mean to say that you haven got
az aoh h. no. sir. We have all you ordered,
but l must follow the directions OF the
doctor
Doctor be hanged" the drummer bel
lowed I'd ike to know what q doctor
has got to Go with ii? / tell you L want
The doctor told me you would get vio-
lent at first. sir. but if I valued your me
1 must not give in to YOU IL not my
fault sir He said you Was TO nave
poached egg. toast and milk, ana must
follow his directions tDu must CS IN u
yourself or / viii have to send for help.
Can YOU tell me what the doctor ioOkea
like?' rOared the drummer. and upon re-
ceiving the answer he started swearing
until the dishes ratified on the tdole,
II was no use; the waiter Respectfully
bnf firmly declined to move. Findius that
no explanations would go, he ate the egg
and drank his milk, finishing up his meal
Neither of the men sold any goods dur
ing the day. as the shoe man was cnaS-
ing the man of sugar and spice al over
the city.
Two men were standing in frOrt Of the
KENYON hotel, when one of them called
attention to a benevolent looking man on
the other side Of the street i mere W6s
restful expression or the inutVloual race
that betOk6ned a mind at rest with NM
self and with all the world.
do YOU know that man2" asked one OF
ny = can't saw that I do, he replied.
though the face seems somewhat IA
"INelL know him. and he has such q
winning way with him that If ne asked
to borrow a dollar he'd get II out OF you
before you could think.
Does he ever pay II b9ckI
That's Just il. I've loaned him $50 IN
small sums and never received q cent
back. You never get a chance TO ASK
him for money, Tor ne always Guns nm
self before you get chance ana ehds up
bv pulling you for a. dollar. It was Only
this morning that he came in my once
and stated th9t he had the promise OF q
fins position and that he mad IOfmeq q
plan whereby ne could pay of his debts
fairly to all. Eds plan was TO take MS
creditors in alphabetical order ana hrst
nav of the AS. then the BIS and so on.
On the strength of his scheme ! lodtieu
him S and he left smiling. | felt quite
coHtented for time, until happened
to thiEk that my name is Young and be
gins with the letter next TO the last OF
the alphabet
A Main street druggist tells this story
on himself: Happening t. be out al the
house. of a friend, he noticed boy very
busy with STATE and pencil see mere
nv SON" he said III give YOU a QHes-
ton in pTOfit and loss have mixture
down at my store that IS compounded as
follows; A liquid worth 80 cents per
ounce. a powder worth 81 per pound.
crystal worth 10 cents All ounce. TO which
| add two gallons Of water which 1 set
for nothing. / sell the mixture al y
cents per ounce. What IS nay percentage
The boy thought for a moment and then
replied: It's no use, sir; that IS out OF
profit and loss and is just plain SWIM
die"
He was an old bachelor and had a.
ways lived in the country he reacned
the city yesterday and was only in town
a snort time when one Of the lay nguT -
i'm a dry goods show windET attracted MS
attention. He stood ana stared IN the
window for a full half hour before NOV
ing from his tracks. and though ne Went
away IT would only be a short time be-
fore he would be back again once duTihg
the morning he remarked that II seemed
too bad that a pretty Bltt Ike L4Idt lletl ~
stand still in a window to earn her ltV-
ing but for the most Of the time he was
oblivious to all that was going on around
him. After dinner he was back, gazing
i'm the face that had caught his fancy.
Inst then the window dresser entered.
and taking hold Of the figure, proceeded
to disrobe it. The hair began to raise on
the bachelors head and when the man
got through he was trembling from mead
to foot.
Il always knew there was a heaD. of
sham to a woman" he said to a by
stauder but I'm derned If 1 thought
they were all sham but the head
The friends Of Conductor Morris. who
has announced his intention OF trying his
luck at Cape Nome prevailed upon him
to get his portrait painted before he left
to hang up in a certain lodge Of which
the ticket puncher is q prominent men,
Der After considerable persuasion ne
consented 10 sit FOR the picture. Yesterday
a committee from the lodge went to the
studio to examine the picture. During
the course of their stay one Of them ap-
preached the easel on which it was
DO not touch it" the artist cautioned;
@That settles it," said an old gentle
man who was in the party. Its no use
looking any longer. Tt can't be Morris.
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