Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1900-10-10
ABE JONES GETS SICK
HE RELATES HIS EXPERIENCES
Does Not Die, but Lives to Give His
Impressions of the Medical
Profession.

Not IeclipS quite up W udle, Il
thought it best to make q will, so /
sent for a limb of the law and pro-
ceeded. / willed to each democrat in
this county 81 900, and for college to
be located i'm Winnesheik county $500,
600 for the purpose of educating and
reforming republicans. The amount
may not be enough, but 1 thought
those of smaller means might chip in
some. / also provided literally for all
my relations by marriage and quite a
number Of other poor folks. The
lawyer incidentally remarked, "You
are very wealthy man. Are you
quite sure you have got the means to
pay all these bequests?" warmed up
instantly and replied, "What business
is it to you? 1t is my will they should
have it and that is enough for you to
know" cut him off short, for had
heard that where undue influence was
used, will could be broken.
l found that doctors don't agree any
better than lawyers. The first one
that came said, "It is your head" /
told him quite likely as it itched ter
ribly and felt just as it did when was
boy, but / always found relief in
using a little fine toothed machine.
So told him / would doctor myself
and he could depart. The next doctor
said, 1T is your wind,' and L told
him knew better as 1 had plenty of
wind, and if needed more would get
a windmill, and he departed. The
next said, ut is your heart" for he
had read my will but thought it was
my mind, and wanted to know if I
was politician and worried a good
deal over election. "Not at all sir, the
calling and election of our candidate is
sure, and 1 am as happy as clam on
that score" The next doctor said,
"You have the measles" but / knew
better as had them once and they
broke out in the night and lit out and
L have never seen them since. The
next pill merchant said, "You have
the grippe" but he was away off, for
l had lost my grip and had not got it
back. Finally a travelling doctor came
along who had diplomas to burn and
had forgotten more than all the doctors
in town ever knew, Ito let him tell it,.
He said, II will "Diagenes" your case
and cure you" So he began to pound
on my chest and said he was sounding
my lungs, ! ut it sounded to me more
like threshing grain with fail on a
barn floor, then he banged away at my
side TO see about my liver. 1 told him
that might be little out of kilter as
Henry Haas, the silent and bashful
man, who runs meat market, gave
me large piece of liver the other day,
and as it cost me nothing might have
overloaded my capacity. Next he
wanted to see my tongue, but / OBJ
jected and told him if he didn't lock
"leedle out" he was liable to hear some
of it.. Finally he stuck out his hand,
stuck mine out, and supposed he was
going to shake hands and leave but he
grabbed me by the wrist with grip of
iron and took out his watch TO see how
long could stand the pressure. Pretty
soon he said, "Your pulse is one-hun-
dred in the shade, your temperature is
very uncertain, probably meant my
temper, and You have got spinal mag
and wrote out descrip-
tion and showed it to me, as wanted
to see what he had described but /
couldn't tell whether it was quail
tracks or political speech and he
departed, but not until he received a
fee big enough to employ home doctor
for year. When he was out of sight
/ put the description in the fire and
am now on the high road to health
and prosperity. ABE JONES.