Union gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1899-1900, 1900-01-19
HAaHEsZ4IEllH,
1

81 saw you kissing my daughter. I
don't like it, sir" 'Then you don't
know what's good, sir."-Life.
whats the difference between foot
ball and warp Football is war with
out any human object in view.-Ex.
Teacher (angrily)-Why don't you an
swer my question. Bobby? His BROTH
er Tommy answering for him.
Please, sir, he's got peppermint In
his speech.-Tit-Bits.
Miss Thirty-smith tseverely)-A man
should never call on a girl after drink
ing. Jack Swift (cheerfully)-That's q
fact Many man has become engaged
in just that way.-Puck.
Fuddy-You call money STAMPS"
don't you? Duddy-And money Is cur
rency. So suppose when you speak
Of an elastic currency you refer to rub
Der stamps.-Boston Transcript.
Didn't move him: "Well, did the boss
give you a raise?" 'No." "Not even
when you told hm you had grown gray
in his service?" mo. Gave me the
name Of good hair-dye. Puck.
Mr.. SnellIWhat are you crying for.
Elsie? His little daughter-l've just
Eread that the diamond mines may be
exhausted in seven years, and it's eight
before my coming out!-Jewelers'
Weekly.
"From what I hear, Mr.. Earnestly.
that son Of yours at college is little
fast" "a little fastr" repeated the old
man disdainfully. He holds the anna
teur record as a 10O-yard sprinter.
Detroit Free Press.
Wallace-There Is nothing like matri-
mony to make a man appreciate the
value of money. Ferry-Thats so. A
dollar a man gives to his wife does
look bigger to him than any other dol
lar.-Cincinnati Enquirer.
Uncle Hiram-What kind er thing Is
that that woman's got on her neck,
Mandy? His niece-That's chinchil
la collar, uncle. Uncle Hiram-Chin--
.hiller, hey? 1 want to know! Blessed
If didn't think twas chin-warmeE
Bazaar.
"How still they are" remarked Mrs
Fogg, apropos of the young couple In
/ the next room. "Yes," replied Mr..
Fogg, .it reminds me Of my army days.
1t was always wonderfully quiet just
previous to an engagement"
Transcript.
Diplomacy: Mrs. Neighbors-I ad-
Fertised for a plain cook last week, but
lidn't receive a single reply. Mrs.
Nextdoor- Take my advice and adver-
Use for good-looking kitchen lady.
and you'll be overrun with aplica-
dons.-C Chicago News.
$50 our friend is going to leave poll
icsT "He is," answered Senator Sor-
yhum, ''if he knows what's good for
him." .'It is too bad to lose him; he
was such an accomplished wire-pull-
er." ''Yes; but he got hold Of a live
Star.
"Oh, Toni! exclaimed the bride of
tx months. what do you think?
Iother says she wants her body Gre
lated." "She does, eh?" said the hus-
,and; "well. tell her to get ready. and
! II take her over to the crematory the
irst thing In the morning."-Ex.
Young lady Ito married sister)-Do
tell me an appropriate present to give
new baby. Married sister-I know
just the thing-these little Jeweled
safety-pins. Baby, darling, had one
given him six months ago and have
worn 1t ever since.-Harlem Life.
s'What did Noah live on when the
food had subsided and his provisions
In the ark were exhausted?" asked a
Washington Sunday school teacher of
her class. 81 know" squeaked little
girl, after the others had given up.
"Well, whatY inquired the teacher.
"Dry land"
Its Beauty Departed: Wife crushing |
toward shop window)-Oh. look here! |
Husband-Well, 1 declare! There is
one of the tete-a-tete lamps you were
admiring at Mrs. De Styles. Wife
Suddenly stopping) - Horros! It's |
marked "Only two dollars New
York Weekly.
Grigson-Excuse me. Mitwin, but
why is 1t that people Of your name are
generally such confounded bores? Nit |
win-I don't know. How many persons
of my name did you ever know? Orig
son-By George! come to think Of 1t,
you are the only one ever knew.-Bos-
ton Transcript.
''You see. it was this way: They were
all three SO dead in love with her and
all SO eligible that to settle the matter
she agreed to marry the one who should
guess the nearest to her age" "And
did sheY 81 don't know. know that
she married the one that guessed the
owest."-Pearson's Weekly.
speaking of Cuban uprisings and in
surrections," said Wallace, 81 shall new
er forget one that occurred twenty
years ago." Were you present" asked
Ferry. "very much SO. 1t happened
about five minutes after I had lighted
one of my fathers big black Havana
cigars" Enquirer.
Asking too much: American girl
And If marry you will live In an old
English castle, with turrets and bat
dement's, famed in song and story?
English Lord-Yes, you shall. Amert-
.an girl-And will you Introduce me to
the Prince of Wales set? English
4ord-Um-er-not until begin to
get tired of you.-New York Weekly.
A burst of generosity: 81 hear" said
the crusty old gentleman. "that there,
are some violins so valuable that no.
body thinks of playing on them"
Yes. saw one in museum" replied
his wife. 81 wonder If couldn't buy
one and trade it to the young man next
door for the fiddle that he has been
using for the last six months."-Wash-
lngton Star.
Blott.rs OF historic Value.
A Philadelphia man owns a most
unique assortment of pieces of blotting +