The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1900-08-16
Mr.. John Takes His Bath !
,zSNSANzS,aS m az M SiS az az als:

TN THE olden days, when Rome was
as beautiful as she was brilliant and
'as brilliant as she was base. the bath
,vos an institution. 1t was not an ac-
ccssorv to the toilet as It is at the pres
ent time. 1t was place where pro-
found statesman and polished patrician
and perfumed epicurean met to lounge
and visit and discuss affairs of state
and social Importance. They went
there with much ceremony and pomp,
attended by their slaves and arruyed in
gorgeous attire. They reclined in
dolently under awnings of burning
crimson and royal purple and they
feasted and drank and spoke of the
beauties and the sonorous cadences of
Uomeric verse. And they watched the
sunlight CLINT and glitter on the per-
iumed waters, turning them to limpid
azure at their feet, while the low, plain
tive voice of some bronze-slsiuned,h harp
ist rose and fell in musical monotone,
sweet as love and sad as death. lulling
their epicurean senses to somnolent
content. It was all lovely with the love-
uucss of art and the poetry of un-
x
nifty of an age that was sublime in its
sensuousness and superb in its sin. 1t
WAS scene that had all the color and
fire and barbaric splendor beloved of
the Caesars. 1t has filled the dreaming
eyes of centuries OF painters and been
the inspiration and the despair of brain
and chisel.
III Y, ,ia p,,t - 10
change. Paterfamilias still takes his
bath. 1t is weekly necessity, not a
ceremony. 1t is preceded and followed
by tri-weekly or daily "sponges." but
il is duty to self and community, like
paying the taxes and going to church
And he observes ii in the same manner
and catalogues it on his mental en-
gagement list under the same heading.
He regards ii as an unavoidable but re-
grettable waste of time, instead Of in
the Romanesque light of sensuous
pleasure and social enjoyment. The
perfumed waters are to him not
languorous with the incense of Araby,
but redolent with bath soap and am
monia. The marble steps and waves of
limpid azure have gone gllmmering,
whittier he wots not nor cares as he
lifts the soiled clothes basket, the
baby's rocker, dress-suit case and a
preserve kettle out of the tile bathtub
and turns on both taps.
And, to begin at the beginning, the
modus operandi OF pnterfamilias on
bath night as follows: His wife COM
mences by mentioning at dinner that
this is his bath night He does not an
swer with much enthusiasm and the
matter drops. Then he rises from the
table, lights a cigar, sits down by the
study-lamp and hides himself behind
the paper. His better half suggests
that he take his bath early tonight
and he murmurs:
"Eh? Oh, yes. The British certain
ly bit bigger mouthful than they can
comfortably masticate. Serves 'em
right, drat 'em! Turn the lamp higher,
will you?"
He reads steadily for some time and
his wife finishes some darning, puts her
sewing materials neatly away and re-
marks cheerfully:
Doil loIBtt y OuI Ddtil, NNul'
Bath? Nope. Say, that was bad
smashup on the Y. & @. Now, why in
blazes they can't manage this train
business better beats me. They've got
their signal system, with all sorts of
trills on it, and yet they can't stop at
crossroad or water tank but what the
next train has TO plump into 'em and
send everybody to kingdom come,
Now, IL were running a road"
Are these Billy's cuffs, John?"
NO; mine. Say, il that boy don't
leave my linen alone there's goin' TO be
trouble. l never wore my fathers
clothes. II had I'd have been taken
for some calisthenic exercises In the
woodshed. And his fathers no better
than--I mean, he's as good assay,
Biily's aching for lickin' and he'll get
It one OF these days You'll see.'
He farms another page and there is
long pause.
Presently his wife looks at the clock.
My! MS after ten. Sha'n't turn on
the water in the bath, John"
Some inarticulate grunts issue un-
musically from behind the paper and
Mrs. John rocks back and forth gently:
Soon she yawns little and rubs her
eyes sleepily Then she studies the
top of Johns head doubtfully.
John, dear, it's growing late. Won't
you take your bath now?"
John dear jerks another page over
and remarks amiably that he'll take it
IN a minute, but why in the name of all
The gods they want to run that dutfer
Tor reelection is beyond comprehen-
sion. 1t is just such skates that don't
know enough TO come in when II rains
real hard that seem to get in Office
somehow. They and blacklegs. Now,
II he had been in Office he would have
SHOWN the party what was what. In
me first place, he would
Mrs. John thinks she hears the baby
sur and disappears in the bedroom.
Nhen she returns her husband has slid
uown in his chair, with his head close
70 the lamp, and is dead TO the world
IA the stock quotations. She tides up
the room, then hesitates and says
finally: