The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1900-08-12
The Wasted Epitaph

| Latin dictionary, and his second, Mr. Bod
| min. stepped out and made their way to
| the open space of greensward among the
trees where the duel was to take place.
| The sun had scarcely risen yet, AID NJ
Bodmin thought with profound grief that
! 1t was only yesterday that the great die
tiouary had been finished and only last
night that the Doctor had held a levee
House to celebrate the event Unfortu-
nately Sir Edward Browne. being with the
worse for wine, had ventured to dispute
with the Doctor as to the meaning of ''Zy-
| thus
"A malt liquor used by the Egyptians"
said the Doctor, as one with authority.
"a connection made from crocodiies
tears and iotos leaves" persisted Sir Ed
| ward yieiously.
Sir. you are impertinent,'' said the
Doctor. 1T is malt liquor such as you
| yourself would do well to cultivate In
place OF the more heady Falernian."
The doctor had accepted the invitation to
a duel with his customary equanimity He
| did not know one end OF the pistol from
| another, and Mr.. Bodmin was overcome
with double fear. being convi iced firstly,
| that the Doctor would be shot down like
a sheep by his antagonists noted duelistJ
secondly, that In his great concern to fin
! ish the composition OF an epitaph which
had already thrown him into brown study
| the Doctor would either forget to pull his
| trigger at all or else shoot one OF the Sec
| onds-either of which mishaps would Be
| counted to him as dishonor. But Mr..
| Bodmin was too faithful an admirer to re-
| fuse the post OF second.
THE hasty manner" said DR.. Kittery,
as they got out. lin which affairs involving
an appeal to the ultima ratio are brought
to conclusion appears to me to be as In
tolerable to the individual as 1t Is dis
graceful to the community
Have you been unable to complete it?'
ASKED Mr.. Bodmin. knowing that the Doctor
was thinking Of the short time allowed for
his epitaph.
Sir" said DR.. Kittery, my epitaph may
be ephemeral in duration. and must be less
than ephemeral in construction. But beg
to remind you that Ii was at midnight
disagreed with Sir Edward on the subject
of zythus, that three of my hours since
have been devoted to slumber, and that one
hour and thirty minutes have been con-
sumed driving to this glade in that rackety
cabriolet. You then ask me II have COM
pleted my epitaph. My answer is, No, sir;
have not
But you have effected something" urged
Mr. Bodmin. knowing that there was no
chance of the Doctor attending to his pistol
while the epitaph remained unfinished.
IF had effected nothing" said the Doc
tor, Il should be fool
Pray let me hear what you have COM
posed" said Mr.. Bodmin, alphabetically.
Your Interruptions are insufferable."
said the Doctor. severely; but it is my In
tention to recite the lines to you, in order
that you may record them in your note
book They are to this effect:
Stranger, here Kittery ies-observe his fall,
S.ain By tine reekine tubes unerring ball
sAdmirable.n murmured Mr.. Bodmin.
a The rseking tubes unerring balr-ex-
eel.ent,"
'"rhe phrase. no doubt, has a classic
ring said the Doctor gratifed: but an
epitspn should be essentially commemora-
tive This only commentaries my death;
my more important achievements are neg
lected."
They speak for themselves" said Mr..
DcdrEin. you could not improve on your
present lines"
Possibly I may be permitted. SIR, to
consider myself as great an authority on
the subject Of epitaphs as you.% said tina
Doctor. misliking this laudation-
Certainly, certainly" said Mr.. Bodmin,
in haste.
Very WELL sir. 1 maintain that the
epitaph is not complete 1t will be my en-
deavor to remedy it during the FIVE min
utes of existence that still remain TO me-"
Mr.. Bodmin clasped his hands in despair
Here they were already on the ground. and
Sir Edward Brownies second already At
him to measure out the PAGES and load
the pistols.
"Dr. Kittery will not agree to Sir Ed
wards version Of zythus?" enquired this
gentleman
mo, SIR" said Mr.. Bodmin sadly. "Dr.
Kittery is not in the habit of agreeing to
anything that mislikes him."
Nor Sir Edward"
Then the affair must proceedr said
Mr.. Bodmin.
Undoubtedly"
Meanwhile the Doctor moved up and
down abstractedly, shifting his spectacles
as an idea came or escaped him.
81 shall be compelled" he murmured,
ito alter both lines. Here, In this urn
ger, Kittery.' No, that violates the rule
that substantives must be separated"
:" Proud strangerI' Eh-whatf'
Mr.. Bodmin, paler than before. had come
up and was passing pistol into his hand.
Its loaded" he said, as he led the Doc
tor to his position.
The Doctor took It absently, murmurins
to himself: Here In this urn"
You Will not, beseech you, forget to
pull the trigger when Sir Edwards second
drops his kerchief?" said Mr.. Bodmin.
yes, yes" said the Doctor. impatient OF
Interruption. Here In this urn the boneA
OF Kittery@
ut" went on Mr.. Bodmin, greatly dar.
ing. you will but keep your pistol straight
at Sir Edward. you may by chance hif
him."
''If you will but oblige me-" safe the Doc
tor "by ceasing to chatter I have the cpl
taph on the tip Of my tongue"
Gentlemen" announced the other SEQ
ond, Il shall ask II you are ready. Count
three. and then drop my handkerchief II
either reserve his IRE he shall fall ny my
handl"
Remember" said Bodmin, miserab.S
slowly tearing himself away.
Here in this urn the bones of Kittery
blde," returned the Doctor, 'for words he
lived"
Are you ready. gentlemen7 One"
and for a word'-continued the Doc
tor.
"Two!-Three!"
He diedl" said the Doctor, half turning
to Mr.. Bodmin.
At the same moment the 'kerchief fell,
and two pistols rang out in unison. Mr..
Bodmin. shrinking into himself with hor-
ror, saw the Doctors hat revolve suddenly
on his head Sir Edward threw up his
hands and fell forward.
You've hit himi'' cried Mr.. Bodmin.
triumphantly.
Hit whom?" said the Doctor, surprised.
"Sir Edward? ImpossibleI''
But, I assure you. 1t is true" said Mr..
Bodmin; and indeed 1t was, beyond doubt
tho case.