Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1900-08-10

Seattle Fraternal Eagle.
BANK OF STYX, SHEOL,
June 81, 1900.
DEAR FRIENDS: l will endeavor to
write you the letter l promised before
leaving New York. Sam Jones mad
vertently told the truth, for just as he
predicted, and as ! myself secretly ex-
pected, l am in Hades. Came
straight through without stop.
am sitting on a hot cinder writing
this letter On piece of slate gouged
from the ceiling with my trident. A
trident you know is one OF those
funny little pitchsorks like Neptune
used 90 carry with him at the seaside.
Everybody has one, and it makes q
fellow think he is at a Republican
convention.
When | vas on earth l didn't be-
lieve in hell, for | had travelled in
kansas, and didn't think there could
be two places so much alike. But
hadn't been here half a day until l
believed in it whole lot. 1t is much
more genuine and realistic than l an
ticipated, but l think I'll like it when
l get acclimated. Just now my feet
are blistered from walking on the hot
pavements and l am dabbling them in
the Styx to cool them OIL. 1 was
talking to Moses while ago and he
says they'll soon get calloused and
then I'll be all hunkedory. He has
read my Mistakes of Moses" and
laughingly admitted that he had
made a good many when he was new
to the business. He is jovial old
cuss, and l rather like him. He told
me on the dead-everything is son
the dead" here-that he didn't write
the Pentateuch, but he knows who
did.
There are lots of people here, and
strangers arrive daily. But l would
not advise you to come down till fall
or winter-and even then you needn't
bring anything but light summer
suit. You won't need an overcoat or
an umbrella, or skates, but you might
bring along palm leaf fan or two.
For an "imaginary," "mythical,"
figurative," allegorical" hell, this is
the hottest one l ever got into.
But say! got here just in time to
strike snap. Henry Ward Beecher
had just retired on account of age
and Mephistopheles appointed me to
succeed as the boss of the New York
colony-the largest one here. have
a lovely little trident with cute little
spear point businesses on the tines,
and the Devil has promised to get me
a long red tail and pair OF horns
when he goes to the city next week.
He seems to have taken fancy to me.
There are ministers here of every
denomination and several camp.meet-
ings are in progress down the river.
Horace Greeley introduced me to
Spurgeon and old Peter Cartwright
last night, and we had very pleasant
conversation together. They expect
Talmage to join them before long. l
have also shaken hands with Tom
Paine and Voltaire, ard find them
very pleasant gentlemen. Said they
had watched my career and were ex-
pecting me daily. Ben Franklin
called on me this morning. He is
wearing his hair short now, and does
not look 60 much like Lilioukalani as
he used to. l never could tell their
pictures apart.
OF course the trust is here "bigger'n
a chipmunk." Beecher, Solomon and
Brigham Young have all the women
cornered, and the politicians are Or
ganizing to defeat the present admin
istration, and elect a new Devil.
They want me to make the nominat-
ing speech. You know l nominated
Blaine for President once, and did it
up in shape. Don't know who will be
the nominee. Jay Gould is running
we'll on account OF his money, and
Judas Iscariot and Ananias are quite
popular.
wish you could send me the pa
pers. 1 would like to know what's be-
ing said about me. suppose they'll
print lot of my old letters and pub
lish enough pictures of me to start a
rogue's gallery, and every little "two-
by-four" preacher will tell chow il
happened" and water-brained spirit
ualists will commune with my spirit,
and all that sort of thing. wish the
whole dod-rotted pack were down here
awhile-they wouldn't feel SO ALFRED
gay.
Well, must close. We need rain
the worst kind-crops are almost q
failure. If you're ever down this way,
drop in. Yours truly,
BOB INGERsOLL.
p. S.-What's the use of forming an
ice trust on Earth when there is a
much better opening here? In fact
this is the natural home of the trust.