The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1900-10-20
THE HICKORY ELM CLUB.
Initiation of n COroner-Severe Exam
nation by the President.

Muckle, 1.-The president gave the wage
workers of the club certain points on lib
erty. winding up with an observation on
one of the dangers that always confronts
the Democratic party, that of something
happening unexpectedly. We do not ex-
pect any help from fhe trusts. for We do
not expect to help the trusts" said he,
quoting the language of Mr.. Bryan, who
had repeated the statement several hum
dred times in several States and Territories
since the contest now waging began last
spring. Gentlemen, the more 1 think of
our avowed expectations being literally
realized in their entirety in regard to help
ing or being helped by the trusts, the more
1 feel that there will be very little in it for
any of US. For if the trusts do not help us
to elect Bryan, as we say we do not expect
they will, and If we do not expect to help
the trusts for consideration If we win,
then where is the money to come from with
which to pay the illegitimate expenses OF
men hired to stay away from the polls, or
our workers. repeaters, ballot-box suffers
and skilled manipulators of election re-
turns?"
Didn't Mr.. Bryan get large amount of
money from the silver trust2" inquired
Major Biff.
Eyes: but that was for holding 16 TO i'm
the platform. 1t was for his private
use; besides. Ii didn't amount to more than
$3.50. 000-wouldn't be drop in the bucket
against Mark Hanna's $25OO0,OO0 which
Bryan says he got from the trusts. 1t Is
true that he gets few palace car tips
from people who come TO see him while the
engine is taking water at the tank. but not
enough of them to justify a division with
the finance committee. 1t costs him big
money to travel on special train. TO live
on the fat of the land and look a starving
population in the face as he rattles along
from town to town, warning the people of
the impending doom of the Republic by i'm
perialism, militarism and the single bald
headed gold-eagle standard"
(which of them three is the most para
mount?" inquired Peter J. Lummix.
Never mind the paramount" answered
General Muckle. Let us settle the finance
question before We talk about the para
mounts. We've got TO get more Doodle into
this campaign or I'm gone.
Before the general could proceed further
Captain Skidmonk reported a candidate in
the anteroom waiting for initiation.
WHO is hep" asked the president.
HE says he Is a doctor and a coroner,
and his name Is Fugleton Eitztyphus NJ
D. answered the captain.
You will report to the anteroom and in
form DIR. Fitztyphus Fugleton that this
club will not need coroner until the 7th
of November but If he is insistent and is
willing to take the chances of losing leg
during the severe ordeal he will have to
pass through to become a member of this
club. bring him In and / will sound his
Democracy in about three minutes by the
watch.
Skidmonk reported as directed and the
candidate was at once brought before the
grandstand for examination.
The President: Are you the ambitious
pill peddler who has been yearning to get
into this club for a month";" addressing
himself TO the candidate.
81 am a physician and surgeon. sir; Of
flee at No. 1855"
Never mind the street or number; you
can hand that in later. You may lay down
that music box you are hanging on to there
boa?s ~ - 'Aa'
mo. sir: that is case of Instruments"
do you play all of them?"
81 consider myself competent to handle
any of them SIR
'You may get out the picolo, then, and
play some of the girls left behind me-
You did not understand me, sir: they are
not instruments of music. as l will show
you
"Oh. beg your pardon; see now They
are just knives and forks. nut picks, horse
shoe pinchers. darning needles and rat-tail
files. What is your name, profession and
moral standing in the neighborhood where
you live? If you are a Bryan Democrat
YOU may suppress the fact for the time
being, and 1t will not be considered as af-
fecting your moral standing until you are
sworn in and the fact becomes generally
known on the outside
MY name is Fitztyphus Fugleton. NJ. D..
and coroner-elect."
What is the difference. doctor, between
fits?''
.sYou mean 'tetanic. do you not? know
of no CONFUSION with German character
istic"
Excuse me, / simply got the wrong
word. Are you pretty Well UP on the mala-
dies of the brain. doctcr?"
II think am. sir. l have treated several
patients who were said 10 be insane"
HAS William Jennings Bryan ever con-
suited you on his mental condition in con-
nection with the subject of imperialism
bimetallism l6 to 1?''
mo, sir. he has not"
what would you say, without knowing
anything about the subject of insanity
from the books. or from anything you had
ever heard or seen, as TO the sanity of Will
liam j. Bryan on the money question i'm
perialism, or on general principles. suppos-
ing him TO be in average health, able TO
sit up and eat. read. write and feed the
hogs twice day, do the chores about the
farm and go TO town once a week for the
mail? To this hypocritieal question, what
Is your answer a physician knowing lit
tie or nothing about the science of medi-
cine?'
IL must decline 10 answer 1t Is a cues
ton for expert who would be entitled TO
his fee In most States before answering. IL
Al il important TO have my opinion i'm this
case IL can be had on the usual terms.
You are ali right doctor, and we will
finish your initiation at the next meeting"
The club adjourned W. S. II.