The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1900-08-04

married)-You told me you were going
to board. How did it happen that you
went to keeping house? Mrs. Greene
We had to do it, you know, in order
to find room for the wedding presents.
mo" said the magazine editor, eve
cannot use your poem The sentiment
is beautiful and the meter and rhyming
is perfect, but, nevertheless, it is not
suited to high-class literary maya
zine whats the matter with it?"
asked the poet in not unnatural sur
! prise. "Anyonc can understand it,"
Have you family tree?' they asked.
She laughed in calm, supercilious way.
"A family trec!' she explained. Zone
family tree! Why, we have just bought
plantation that has no fewer than
eight orchards"
Il suppose" said his friend, that you
hardly needed your college education
to run paper in such place as Cory
Gulch." "That's where you're wrong"
said the college graduate; 81 had to
play football with some irate subscriber
nearly every day."
Madam" said the gentlemanly CEN
sus agent, 81 am very sorry to say the
law will not permit me to register YOU
as 20 years OF age, instead of 80, as
you request But" said the lady,
what is the difference? The law simply
directs you to put it. down, does it not?"
Whereupon she smiled sweetly, and the
census man became SO confused that he
put it down to nineteen, that being
the difference
II WONDER" said the absent-minded
professor, "what did with that postage
stamp" "You had it at your tongues
end moment ago." replied his wife
Excuse me, sir, but have you cork
screw about you?" Sir! Do look
like man who opens bottles?" "Well,
no; you don't You look more like
man who emptes them"
Stationary Ioutll-Rich Father-My
daughter is too young to get married.
She is only IS. Impecunious Lover-I
know, sir; but l have waited patiently
for years, and she don't seem to get any
older.
The Modern Lcthe.-"Say, Jones, if
the girl you loved wouldn't have you,
what would you do to forget herr"
EAT some lobster Newburg, Welsh
rarebit and mince pie at midnight"
Huh, what good is that?" "Well, if
you don't forget her for the next
twenty-four hours, anyway, you're more
OF an ostrich than I am"
Reason and Instinct.-"Of course,
you consider reason higher than in
stinct." II can't say that l do, in
variably," answered the blunt citizen.
Il have met many man whose reason
ing powers enabled him to argue by the
hour and who nevertheless lacked the
instincts OF gentleman"
At church at Lenox last summer the
pulpit was supplied by an assistant
clergyman. One Sunday in the course
of his sermon this minister told how a
man had amassed large amount OF
money simply by prayer, going OH to
give the incidents of the case A litter
ran through the congregation when the
minister, after dwelling on the fact that
prayer alone had brought about this
mans fortune, placed his hands to-
gether, and, looking upward in very
prayerful attitude, said: Lord, teach |
us how to pray!" !
A young man named Sweet engaged
to marry young woman named Lowe.
A few Sundays previous to the wedding
the happy couple attended church to-
gether; and, as they walked along the
aisle, the choir began singing the song
Sweet and Low" entirely unconscious
Of the musical pun that was being per-
petrated