The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1900-08-26
SMART SHORT STORIES.

Matthew Arnold was accustomed to be-
stow the presentation volumes of verse
sent to him by many unknown bards On
the Athenaeum's hall porter; and 1t is
remembered that when a new waiter was
asked whether Justin Martyr was in
the library he replied: IT don't think
he is a member, my lord, but I'll go and
ask the porter"
Ambassador Choate recently had an
amusing experience in London book
shop where he went to buy copy Of
Dante's HELL The clerk departed to
seek the book, but soon returned to re-
mark: IT am very sorry, but we haven't
got HELL by Mr.. Dante. We've got
Twenty Years in South Africa by Cecil
Rhodes, If that would do And feel-
ing" concludes M Choate, that that
was practically the same thing, 1 took
the book
One of the parishioners of a stately and
dignifed clergyman was much addicted
to drink, and ono night the vicar met
him coming home in such a condition
that he demonstrated with him on the
spot, He endeavored to point out the
degradation of such state, and, by way
of clinching his argument, asked: ''What
would you say if you Were to see me
reeling down the road in a state of hope
less fntoxfcation?' The offender appear
ed to be deeply impressed and answered
fervently: 81 wouldn't tell SOUL SIR
A Scottish prison chaplain, recently
appointed, entered one Of the cells on his
first round of inspection, and, with much
pomposfty, thus addressed the prisoner
who occupied it. ''Well, my man, do you
know who I ann" mo, nor I dinna
care"' was the nonchalant reply" Well
I'm your new chaplain ooh. We are?
Then I hae heard O. We before!" and
what did you hear?' returned the chan
lain his curiosity getting the better of
his dignity. well, heard that the last
twa kinks ye were in We preached them
bath empty; but We wilma find it such
an easy matter to do the same WI this
one"
A certain colonel on the staff Of one
Of Grants generals was much given to
novel reading, and went about with his
saddle-bags stuffed full of thrilling ro-
nances. For weeks he had been devour-
ing an English translation of Victor HUI
COS Les Miserables." One day while
passing through Confederate town. he
sa" young lady seated on a porch, and,
stopping his horse. bowed to her with
-
deavored to engage her in conversation
Before he had gone far he took occasion
TO remark: "Have you seen Lees Miser-
ableS'? Anglicfzing the pronuncia ton
Her black eyes snapped with indignation
as she tart1y replied: Don't talk to me
that way; they're a good deal better than
Grants miserables, anyhow"
When Senator James Stephen Green
Missouri or OF
hotel at Washington, D. c., he was very
popular with the guests Of the hotel
Chairman R. r. Hftt, Of the committee
OF foreign relations, found out that Green
was not much of church goer. and in
sisted that the senator should mend his
ways in that regard. Ono Sunday he was
late for dinner. Tho women asked him
why. have been attending divine
Worsn1p, replied the senator gravely
ITO what church do you go, senator?"
asked a woman. 81 don't know, ;
answered the courtly Missourian. ''Who
pfeache0? they asked. ''I don't know
he said; II walked up the avenue tnrned
UP Fourth street, and entered churcl,
on the left-hand side" This was an
episcopal church. How did you IKE the
servicc?" asked another woman. ct an
peared to me- answered the senator
that there was too much reading of tho
journal and too little debate"
Not long before his death. Henry w
Paine Of Cambridge, che OF the noaf
brilliant lawyers Of his generation. be-
came interested in case, as a matter
OF charity, in which a lad Of some fifteen
years was charged with arson Paine de
tended the boy and offered conclusive
evidence that he was, to all practical mr.
poses, an idiot and totally irresponsible
nevertheless, the jury in the case, after
a charge from the court when was
virtually an order for acquittal, brought
IN verdict Of guilty. The presiding
Judge then addressed Paine: You wiz
move for new trial, I presume, Mr..
Paine" Paine rose with a demaaroI
that was painful in its solemnity. 'T
thank your honor fer your suggestion
he said, but L am oppressed with the
graFest doubts whether I have the right
to move for new trial in this case.
Your honor, have already asked for and
have received for my idiot client the most
precious heritage of our English and
American common lava trial by a Jury
OF his peers" The Judge then ordered
the verdict set aside.
At one of their joint discussions. which
took place in Kentucky some years ago
Tom Stuart, then editor of the Win
chester Democrat, gave his opponent, L
n. Boone, descendant of the great
Daniel, blow that fairly knocked him
out of the race for the legislature.
Boone was making his regular speech.
and at the proper place In 1t ne referred
to the matter Of his relation to the toll
ing masses. my friends" said he, hold
Ing up a pair of hands that looked as If
they had not been washed In a week.
to let you see for yourself that I am
a horny-handed son Of toll, 1 ask yeu to
look at these hands, and turing u
Stuart, Il would ask my pale facet
young friend from the city what he
thinks Of them?" Stuart was on Ills feet
in a minute. 81 do not desire to embar-
rass my distinguished opponent, ladies
and gentlemen" he said with a bow,
but I would say that I think that they
need soap and water" It was such ali
apparent case that the crowd took hold
at once with a shout, and Boone was
completely fioored, and later Stuart wss
elected.