Mesa free press., 1900-07-27

first lady of the land? asked the teach
er. "Yes'm," said the boy with the
frowsy hair, "Eve." Chicago Tribune.
Facts in the case: How did he lose
his standing in the communityY "By
getting drunk and letting a train run
over his s."-Chicago Times-Herald.
sAre you going to spend the summer
in town, Hilkins? 81 expect to. My
wife will do all the spending out Of
town that can afford. d."-Philadclphia
Bulletin.
Bridget, you've been a
/ long time in coming; didn't you hear
me callingY Bridget-"No, ma'am;
not till yez called tn third toim,
ma'am."-Ex.
Fuzzy-"They say that Aguinaldo in
vested half a million dollars in the
Philippine rebellion" Wuzzy-"Well,
he can't complain; he is getting run
for his money."-Ex.
Mrs. Snaggs-"I read to-day that a
pot Of tea exploded in a kitchen, Sc
verely scalding the cook" Mr.. Snaggs
1T must have been gunpowder."-
Pittsburg ChronicleTelegraph.
Mamma-"You don't care what kind
of husband you get? Why, Gladysw
Gladys-"So long as he is handsome
and rich, and kind to me don't care,
so there!' philadelphia Press.
Where ignorance is bliss: Hicks
(reading)-'"There are many people that
suffer from dyspepsia for years with
out knowing it," Kicks "a dyspeptic)-
"How envy themw-Town Topics.
Eminent Statesman-"I must confess
that do not know what to do to save
the country" Wise Politician-"Better
wait month and let the sweet girl
graduates tell us. Baltimore Ameri-
can.
Excited Lady Cat the telephone)-'I
want my husband, please, at once"
Voice (from the exchange)-"Number,
please?" Excited Lady (snappishly)-
,"Only the fourth, you impudent thing"
,-Tid-Bits.
'Do you know anything at all about
drillingF" asked the sergeant. Faith,
I know all about it," replied the raw
recruit; 81 wurked in quarry for
monny years befoor fined tn army"
Philadelphia Press.
81 would like to be in one of those ex-
petitions to the North Pole, would
your" "No; prefer the South Pole"
Huh! What's the difference between
the two?" CAN the difference in the
world. Philadelphia Press.
"What is blanc mango, papaw
"Blanc mango? 1t is that ghastly, hor-
rible, nervous, clammy dessert which
your mother generally gets up when we
have company so that can't shirk out
of eating t."-Indianapolis Journal.
More than even with him: Banker
Ito crushed tragedian)-"No; haven't
seen you act; l have not been inside
theater for two years!' Crushed Ira
gedian-"It's five years since I've been
inside a bank."-From The Ways of
Men.
Mrs Grimes-'Do you know, Mr..
Briggs, that your hens get into my gar
den and make an awful mess of it?
They tear up everything with their
claws" Mr.. Briggs-"I don't know
what is to be done. unless you shoe
them"
What we're all coming to: What,
minding the babyw said Northside, as
he entered Mapchester's home and
found his friend agitating the cradle.
"Yes," replied Manchester, 'l've got
down to bedrock. ."-Pittsburg Chroni-
cle-Telegraph.
"Women are an. ungrateful lot"
Anything special" Yes; my wife
rrged me to go into politics, and ever
since l didn't get nominated she has
talked about what lot Of new furni
ture she could have bought with the
money I spent. indianapolis Journal.
Fuddy-"Do you know your wife ap-
pears to be a charming woman?
hope you won't think me impertinent
to make such a remark" Duddy-"Oh,
no, that's all right. That's what
used to think. That's the reason, in
fact, that she happens to be my wife"
The census -taker rang the bell at the
house of Gen. Underthum. The gen
erals wife responded. ''Who is the
head of this house, MADAME asked the
census man 81 am" said she prompt
ly. "And-er-have you any profession
or occupation" ''Well, you can put me
down as a general manager "-Phila-
delphia Press.
Bluster-"I don't care; l believe in
telling fellow just what l think of
him." Mildmay-"It is a great deal
better to tell somebody else what you
think of a man-that is, of course, if it
is something deprecatory. If you tell it
to the man himself it will probably go
no farther but if you tell it to some
body else it is likely to go the rounds"
Il am sorry to disappoint you, young
man." said the great railway magnate
to the reporter who had called in for
the purpose Of writing him up, "but |
4; ,,ot hooeiY, tba haitian on6 work