davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02
THE WIT.


Henry-of course. 1t is no business
of mine, but since you have changed
doctors the neighbors have noticed thar
your wife has been constantly growing
worse.
Slapford-I know, but then this ply
stefan is ever so much cheaper than
the other one.-Boston Transcript.
what a pity" said the first germ
as he chung frantieally to a window
sash as they went around a curve.
that in sleeping cars we have no OPP
portunities."
isn't it." said his companion des-
pondently. "a great field IL only we had
air enough to get about in."-Life.
Mrs. Kiddlet-Why, children, what's
all this noise about?
Little Jamie--We've had gran'pa and
Uncle Henry locked up in the cupboard
for an hour, an when they get little
angrier I'm going to play going into
the lions cage."-Tid Bits.
Pedagogue (severely) -Now, sir. for
the last time, what's the square OF the
hypothenuse of q right-angled triangle
equivalent to?
Boy (desperately)-It's equivalent to
a lickin' fer me, sir. Go ahead.-Boston
Traveller.
Il am going to take little run out
west said a Kansas man to an ac-
quaintanee.
Colorado or Californian" inquired
the acquaintance.
Neither" scornfully replied the
Kansas man, Manila. City
Journal.
pat" said his young wife, II wish
you wouldn't put your knife In your
mouth when you eat"
AN phere would yez hev me put it,
said Pat in astonishment-"in ms
eyes?"-Harpers Bazaar.
Vaudeville manager-I am going to
leave my money to an institute for the
feeble minded
Legitimate manager-Same kind as
you are running now?--Indiaaapolis
Journal
First Guatemalan-Sh comes of an
old family. / believe.
Second Guatemalan--Not very. She's
Daughter of the Last Revolution but
Two. or Three at the outside.-Detroit
journal
Have you been interviewed recent
ly?" inquired the friend.
The man OF International eminence
looked little hurt and then YEARLY
inquired:
How can Washington Star.
Tramp amt had er bite fer tree
days. Jes' ben livin on wind.
Unsympathetic citizen-Weli. why
don't you go out west where there's
plenty of lt?-Ohio State Journal.
The kld-Say, mister, kin l have de
apples wot's on de ground?
The farmer-They amt none on the
ground.
The kid-I'il fix that all right.-New
York Evening Journal
Lady of the house Ito peddler)-It
you do not go away I'll whistle for the
dog.
Pushing peddler-Then let me sell
you whistle mum.-Tit- Bits.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02
WEDNESDAY. MAY 3, 1900.
UNFINISHED TALES.
Stories Tint Authors Begin and Find
1t impossible to Finish.


1t impossible to Finish.
The inability of an author to finish a
piece of work that he has engaged to
do and has already actually begun Is
not so very uncommon thing. 1t Is
said that Dickens began "The Mystery
of Edwin brood" without any clear
conception in his mind of how the story
was goin. To turn out and that had he
not died, leaving 1t unfinished, he
would have found almost any ending
difficult to reconcile with certain hints
contained In the earlier chapters. We
remember rather curious instance of
the same sort as having happened a
good many years ago when the elder
Bonner was editing the New York
Ledger.
4 very impecunious literary man sent
to Bonner the first chapters of most |
exciting story which gave promise Of |
being just the sort of thing which
readers of The Ledger used to like.
The story was accepted and ran on I'M
interruptedly and very successfully for
about four weeks, when all of sudden
the authors invention gave out. For
the life of him lie could not go on with
the tale, aud he had to go to Mr.. Bon
ncr and say so frankly.
The next number of The Ledger APP
peared without the expected install.
ment of the story, but with brief
note to the effect that, owing to the
sudden illness of its author, its further
publication was temporarily suspend
ed. This was to give that embarrass-
ed person chance to recover his in-
splratlon Mr.. Bonner asked him TO
dinner, took him driving and In varl-
Gus ways tried to brace him up for
further work. but it was of no use.
He simply could not go on, and so the
rest of the story never saw the light
New York Commercial Advertiser.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02
What He Lost.

The nervous commuter had one min
ute In which to catch his train. He
was fastening exceedingly when the
rries Of II small boy smote upon his ear,
Hey, mister" shouted the urchin.
"Yer'ye lost somethius
The commuter stopped and hastily
couuted his bundles. What have
LOST" he painted Why" said the
boy, "yei'se lost that shine | put on
yer shoes yistidy. I'm give yer another
fur nickel - Philadelphia Press,
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02
Tough Enough.

ooh, Henry, don't cut your pie with
a knife"
We'll, Eliza, you ought to be thank.
full don't call for can opener. Chi.
cago Record.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02
Not Particular.

aShe does all her own cooking, but
she says her husband has the appetite
OF bird"
Goodness she must mean an os,
trich "-Philadelphi Bulletin.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02

"Phwas livery place covered in Noah's
flood, Diuny:'
IAN but III city of Cork, Larry.
Chicago News.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02

Two hundred thousand families, Il
has been calculated. are living In Lon
don on about s. a week
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02

what Is q fractionr"
"A part Of anything. sor."
Give me an example"
The sivinth of June."-Meibcurue
Times.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02

Nell lat the football game)-Chollie
Dropkick is a perfect duck.
BELIEVES; sort of canvasback ON
the gridiron.-Philadelphia Record.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02

Sebastian, big black cat owned by
Cumberland MIDI woman, wears q
diamond earring in each ear.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02

The culDrit Is nut a court fixture;
he's Just on trial.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02
Pennsylvania Railroad.
THE STANDARD RAILWAY OF AMERICA.
PROTECTED THROUGHOUT BY THE
InleIIOstIag SHitch and Block Signal Sprl
BELTIDERE DIDISION.
Trains fer Ssu ISrk ard f'hiiadeiE'htn
on aud after November 10, 1899.

Leave Beiyidere 80 and 1904 M, l233. al
and 8 % p m. Sunday, $50 am.
Leave PhiEipshurg 7.l2, 500 and 10 IS q n, l.1o-
328 and 5.55 M, Sunday, STU M
Leave Frenthtown II ahd ftt9 N, 49, BOO
aud 6 80 p N. sunday, is22 i. m
-.
Leave Pennington 7i5 III, l. 80 and S5h pm
weekdays.
weekdays.
Leave Lambertsinc 100, So, s45 aud III
M 2uG 4 ~ aud zoo p. m. Sunday Si5 A. III.
Arrive Trenton Z. IS. sos 9uD III. l2li, ~,
5.uS and l. Is III. Sunday, 909 m.
Arrive Philadelphia tkensingion) stI A. III.
3.a2 l.bl 6.2a. pan. sunday, 11.02 NJ.
Arrive Philadelphia tBroad Street station s.3l
1000, 1901 Il m, LOG, S.is, 600 aud 3 = M.
Sunday. 10 Oh am.
Arrive New York. via Trenton, 92S ~ aud
II 80 a M, ? Is. 453. TIA and $50 = IA. Sunday
LBS am,
Trains from IHitadeiphia and He~ iorh
Leave New York, Desbrosscs St. via Trenton
$50, ll.03 ~ i.1O, 500, $50, and GOO IN sun
day 600 M. 49,.
Tortiandt street 800, II 90 m, i.o0. 500, l. 30
and 6 90 NJ. sundays GOO m
West Twenty-third Street Station, 40. 10 %
IN, IL IS. 2.55, As and 55 M. Sundays665 NJ
Leave Philadelphia (keuslngton) 6.t5, 40, loue
4 ~, " 10. . so, 1870 and GA T. m. week days.
I.4aye Philadelphia BROAD Street Staiionlh g
and . 100 y m 1890 noon, 30, 3.02 . 10 and IHt
N. Sunday, 7.02 m.
Leave Trenton 7.b2, go M, 100 327, ~,
$50 and 7b5 p N. sunday 7.t5 p IN. -,
Arrive I.ambettylle S.J3, 1920 m, l.af, 4,02,
5,07, 62S aud S.23 m. Sunday, 1923 N.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02
THE BOOK OF THE YEAR.
"The BoW-legged Ghost and Other Stories,

With an intro
d u c II on by
A m lea =
greatest poet,
James W hit.
comb Riley. An
illustrated vol
ume OF original
b u IN orc us
sketches, verse,
facetious para.
graphs and col
loquies. A book
that will not
iisappoint the
sc 8 q er, rs II
enters q new
and heretofore :
u xpl
deld Of hunor.
A book TO be
read aloud and
aptava.t annnnN
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02

-FOUR friends. Contains "The Dow-legged Ghost"
When Ezra Sang First Bass, THE Man Who
Couldn't Laugh" Possible Titles of Future
Fad" Society Actresses" etc, etc. This first
sdition bound in cloth, printed on extra fine
paper, and absolutely the best humorous book pub
ished Worth $1.So, matted pnstpaid for ST 90,
order at once Send for our new special iliuss
nated catalogue mailed free. Gives you the low
O THE WERNER COMPANY. O
Publishers and Manufacturers. Akron, ohts,
THE wefne4 Company Is tbosSushly reliable Edltot
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02

Mrs. Kiddlet-Why. children. what's
all this noise about?
Little Jamie--We've had gran'pa and
Uncle Henry locked up in the cupboard
for an hour, an when they get little
angrier I'm going to play going into
the lions cage."-Tid Bits.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1900-05-02

Pedagogue (severely)-Now. sir, for
the last time, what's the square OF the
hypothenuse of q right-angled triangle
equivalent to?
Boy (desperately)-Its equivalent to
a lickin' fer me. sir. Go ahead.-Boston
Traveller.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
OLD MEXICO.
Days Tour via Pennsylvania
Railroad.

The Pennsylvania Railroad Company
has arranged for a special personally
conducted tour through Old Mexico by
special Pullman train of parlor-smok-
ing, dining, sleeping, compartment,
and observation cars, to leave New
York and Philadelphia, February 10,
visiting all the principal points of in
terest in the ''Lane of Montezuma, {"
and spending five days in the City of
Mexico.
Round-trip tickets covering all nee
essary expenses, $500 from all points
on the Pennsylvania Railroad.
For further information apply to
ticket agents; Tourist Agent, 1895
Broadway, New York; Court street,
Brooklyn; 7s9 Broad street, Newark,
N. j.; b. Courlaender, Jr., Passenger
Agent, Baltimore District, Baltimore,
Md; Colin Studds, Passenger Agent,
Southeastern District, Washington,
ID. c.; Thos. E. Watt, Passenger
Agent, Western District, Pittsburg,
Pa; or address Geo. W. Boyd, Assis-
tant General Passenger Agent, Phil
adelphia.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17

expression by two weeks. In fact the
harmony proposition of "give and
take" relative to State offices is Union
Republican. 1t has been advised by
Union Republicans for months and
now meets with favor at the hands of
quite a number of Regular leaders.
However, the story which anti-dates
Mr.. Bach's expression by two weeks is
worth telling. 1t incidently shows the
estimation in which DIR. G. r. Layton,
the Georgetown Union Republican
leader, is held by the Union Republi-
cans of Sussex.
1t was at a meeting of the Sussex
County Trustees of the Poor. DR..
Layton was present. After the bust
ness session politics was discussed.
A Sussex county gathering of any kind
at which politics was not given some
consideration in the course of conver-
sation or discussion would be failure.
The Board of Trustees of the Poor is
composed of Union Republicans, Reg
ulars and Democrats. A Union Re-
publican took DIR. Layton by the hand
and introduced the Georgetown ply
sician as the next Congressman from
Delaware. He was requested to make
a speech. In responding, DIR. Layton
expressed desire for party unity. To
bring this about he advocated policy
of "give and take" in the matter of
nominating State and county officers.
He declared this to be policy favored
for months by Union Republicans.
When DR.. Layton finished, a promi-
nent Regular Republican who was
present and heard DR.. Lavton's words,
said: "Gentleman if the Union Repub-
licans offer this, then 1 am no longer a
Regular Republican.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
NOMINATION AND ELECTION OF TRUSTEES.
NJ. E. Church Congregations Concerned Over
Law Passed by Recent Legislature.

NJ. E. Church Congregations Concerned Over
Law Passed by Recent Legislature.
The Rev. DIR. Corkran, Presiding
Elder of Easton District, Wilmington
NJ. E Conference, writing to the Pc
ninsuLo Methodist, makes an announce
ment that has somewhat annoyed the
NJ. E. congregations of this city. 1t
appears that all act was passed at the
recent session of the Legislature, reg
ulating the nomination and election of
trustees of churches. The act provides
that the pastors OF the churches shall
nominate the trustees.
In DIR. Corkran's he commends the
act and says that it lis producing goodre
suits. We gather from his letter that
the intent of the act was to prevent the
extinction of church organizations, and
property out of the control of repre-
sentatives or members of the church.
We can understand how this much of
the intent of the act is commendable,
but the method by which the result is
to be attained appears to be decided
departure from the methods of the NJ.
E. church.
This view of the law is held by prom
inent NJ. E. churchmen of this city, and
at the recent elections here, in several
instances, caused prolonged meetings
and much discussion.
The act is regarded unfavorably
here, and it is safe to say that an effort
for the repeal of the law will be made
at the next Legislative session. The
opposition to it is decided; not only to
what the bill does, but the manner in
which its enactment was secured. No
one here knew anything about it. A
strange thing when there are more
Methodists, and more Methodist church
property than anywhere else in the
State.
The local NJ. E. church members do
not intend, however much they may
honor their pastors, to allow them to
become the undisputed owners of all
the church property or the autocratic
arbiters of the church's destiny
Wilmington Sun.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
Announcement.

To accommodate those who are partial to
the use of atomizers in APPLYING LIQUIDS into
the nasal passages for Catarrhal troubles,
the proprietors prepare Ely's Liquid Cream
Balm. Price, including the spraying tube
is rs cts. Druggists or by mail The LIQUID
form embodies the medicinal properties of
the solid preparation. Cream Balm is
quickly absorbed by the membrane and
does not dry up the secretions, but changes
them to natural and healthy character.
Ely Brothers, So Warren, ST., NY.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17


wonderfully successful in promptly curing
lame back, kidney, bladder. uric acid trou-
bes and Bright's Disease, which is the worst
form of kidney trouble.
DR.. Kilmer's Swamp-RoOt is not rec
commended for everything but if you have kid
ney, liver or bladder trouble it will be found
just the remedy you need. lthas been tested
in so many ways, in hospital work, in private
practice, among the helpless too poor to pur-
chase relief and has proved so successful in
every case that a special arrangement has
been made by which all readers of this paper
who have not already tried it, may have a
sample bottle sent free by mail, also book
telling more about Swamp-Root and how to
find out if you have kidney or bladder trouble.
When writing mention reading this generous
offer in this paper and Ek
send your address to
DR.. Kimer & Co., ,Bing 4 s.!sEs.s 81
hamton, N. Y. The s-slsls E4sssss2 Eslsesslflsss229 Y
regular fifty cent and Home of swamp-Root.
dollar sizes are sold by all good druggists
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
DELAWARE INSURANCE COMPANY.
Elect Officers Thursday, and Dine at the
Capitol Hotel, Dover.

The annual meeting of the Delaware
Insurance Company was held at Dover,
Thursday. The statement of the COM
pany shows the following financial con.
dition.
Capital stock, 800, 900; assets, $114,-
S44; reinsurance reserve and all liabil-
tiles, So, 906.S3; surplus, $1O7, 937. II; {;
premium receipts for the year, $1O,-
1859; total receipts, $16,OO5. 40; fire
losses, So, 1878; total disbursements.
$40, ,479.72.
The following directors were cleo
ted; H. A. Richardson, Hezekiah Har
rington. John H. Jones, William
Salisbury, Charles H. Atkins, Alvan
B. Conner, William w. Richardson.
James H.. Hughes, Harry L. Evans,
Samuel l.. Kenney, Peter J. Ford,
William d. Mullen, John S. Mullen,
Jr., Samuel H. Baynard, and James
Megary.
The directors elected the following
officers: Fl. A. Richardson, president;
William Salisbury, vice-president;
William d. Denney, secretary and
treasurer; Mark w. Cole, general
manager; Henry Ridgely, Jr., general
solicitor.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17

Hughes Office. One is the original
copy of the ratification of the Consti-
tuition of the United States by the con-
vention of Delaware held December Z,
1887. The other is a six-page protest
of closing the port of Boston adopted
at New Castle, June 80, 1774. -hder.
J. G. Parker, of Middletown. has
bought the old Sellers Drying houes
of nj. n. Willis and is building a large
harness and collar mandatory. The
new building to be erected by Mr.
Parker will be on Green street. The
building will be 100 feet long by 80
feet wide and two stories in height.
Some of the former members of the
Legislature are worried over their rail
road passes expiring. 1t has been the
custom heretofore to only give passes
good during the session, but this time
they were made good until the end of
the year. The old custom of extend
ing annual passes until January 10 has
now been dropped, and all passes ex-
pired New Years Day.
A real estate deal has just been made
at Lincoln City which is creating
great deal of interest in that section.
YOn Phoe Lee, Chinese graduate of
Yale College, has purchased the Rob
ert J. Derrickson farm of eighteen
acres near that place, and Will grow
Chinese vegetables and ship them to
the city markets.
The junior promenade and dance to
be given by the students of the Della
ware College, has been set down for
February Is, in the auditorium. There
will be $50 invitations issued, and no
one be allowed to enter the room unless
card is shown. Heretofore there
have been so many who came without
invitation that the hall has been
crowded, and dancing very unpleas-
ant.
Senator Kenney secured a good
position for John G. Parvis, of Middle
town, Del, as landsman in the United
States Navy for four years. Mr.. Par.
Wis was Immediately ordered to the
League Island Navy Yard. Philadel-
phia. He has since been assigned to
the United States training ship Dixie.
stationed at the Norfolk Navy Yard,
and will stay there but a few davs.
when his ship sails for South America.
The annual meeting of the directors
of the First National Bank of Milford
was held Tuesday week. A dividend
of u per cent, was declared, and there
was a surplus fund of 100000 The
following directors were appointed
President, Robert Williams. to succeed
James Hall, resigned; directors, w
Watson Harrington, to succeed
his father, Charles Harrington, Geo.
Russell, Wilmington, David Refs, JOIN
B. Smith, H. F. Lofand, Isaac Truitt
and Jos. E. Holland.
THE DELANEY's Posi- OFFICE The
vacancy in the post office at Delaney's
cause by the death of Mr.. Mills, will
be filled soon by the appointment OF
Miss Mary A. Mills. daughter of the
late postmaster. Congressman Hof
fecker was advised by a number of cit.
izens of Delaney's that Miss Mills had
successfully filled the position since
the death of her father and was famil
lar with the work. He believes that
the appointment of this applicant
would please his constituents at De-
laney's, and will accordingly recon-
mend that she be given the place.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
Volcanic Eruptions.

Are grand, but Skin Euptions rob
life of joy. Bucklen's Arnica Salve,
cures them; also Old, Running and
Fever Sores, Ulcers, Boils, Felons,
Corns, Warts, Cuts, Bruises. Burns,
Scalds, Chapped Hands, Chilblains,
Best Pile cure on earth. Drives out
Pains and Aches. Only 25 cts. "a box.
Cure guaranteed Sold by Jas. p.
Hotfecker, Smyrna, aud 4. Mason,
at Clayton.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17

Subscriptions throughout the coun-
try to the Lawton Fund will aggregate
about $4,000 to he devoted to the re-
lief of the widow and children of the
dead soldier.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
Underwear

Ladies' Angora fleece lined
ribbed Vests and Pants, alb
sizes; balbriggan outside With
white fleece inside. will be re-
duced Saturday to 800 per
garment.
Ladies' White or Natural
Gray Union Suits, subject 90
some slight imPerfections1 re-
duced to SOC per Suit.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
WIN. B.SHARP
& CO.,
Fourth and Market StS..
WILMINGTON. DEL
MuSIinS

Every brand of Muslin and
Sheetings has advanced in
price, so that we are selling
cottons less than the Jnill
price to-day. AS our stock is
limited, we would advise every
housekeeper to anticipate
their wants and buy now, as
the new stock will cost at
least one-third more. Satur-
day we will sell one case OF
the celebrated Wamsutta yard
wide Muslin at olc per yard.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17

cures made by DR..
Kilmer's Swamp-Root,
the great kidney, liver
and bladder remedy.
1t is the great medi-
cal triumph Of the nine
teenth century; dis
covered after years Of
scientific research by
DR.. Kilmer, the emf
nent kidney and blad-
Jar c1aN;al;et a1J -
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
Bed Spreads

Two special numbers Of
large size, white quilts, about
1000 of each at the following
prices:
SI.oo grade reduced to 7oc,
SI.25 grade reduded to 95c>
All hemmed ready for use
and Marseilles patterns.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
The Plan of Give and Take.

With Characteristic impudence the
Regular Republican leaders of New
Castle sare ascribing the "give and
take plan to the uxosrtain Mr.. Fred
Eden Bach. The Sun correspondent
hears a story of this propositions pre-
sentation which anti dstes Mr.. Bach's
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
Carpets

We have added 10 our re-
duced Brussels, Velvet and
Administers Carpets a line of
the best grade, All-wool In
gtalns for soc per yard, re-
duced from 75c. The cheaper
grade, 22c, 25c, 4oc and 45c
per yard.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
LinOIeun1

lnlaid, the kind the color is
through to the back and never
wears off. Some slightly dam
aged will be sold for 76c per
yard. Regular price, $1.2s
and $I.5o. Also Remnants,
same quality, at soc per yard,
COrSetS
Our Countess OF York;
long or short Waists, white or
drab, Corsets. is the quality
sold everywhere for soc per
pair. We have them in all
sizes at 39c.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17

Church singers always buy their
note paper by the quire.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
DO YOU GET UP
WITH A LAME BACK ?
Kidney Trouble Makes You Miserable.

Almost everybody who reads the news
paper is sure TO know Of the wonderful
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
Hosiery

Several odd lots Of the high
grade Ribbed Hose for chill
dren. All the ''Onyx" Blacks,
ranging in price from 25c TO
Csc per pair. Saturday we
will sell the lot for Ioc per
pair.
Smyrna times., 1900-01-17
Outing FIanneIS

I,2oo yards best quality tn
short lengthst light and dark
colorings, at 7lc per yard. 80
cent cut from the price same
quality.