The Daily Ardmoreite. [volume] (Ardmore, Okla.) 1893-current, 1899-07-30
Mr.. EPIzOOT WILKINS.

tCopyright, 1899, by American Press Asso-
ciation.l
AprLEJACK Farm. wIcH IS NEXT TU
GROVER CLEvELAND's, IN THE sTAIT
Uv Moo GERsEY.
Tu the Editur:
hev jest bin down tn Boston, wich IL
in the stait NV Massachusetts,. fer the
purpuss Nv swappin conversashun with
Mr.. Edward Atkinson, hoo resently run
up agn the Post-Ofiis Department and
succeeded in gittin sum Nv his literatoor
exclooded frum the mails. Mr.. Atkinson
moves in the most excloosive strikes Nv
the Boston bean-eaters, and hez the kali
wenever statisticks kin be made a salts
factory substitoot fer beefstake and veg
etablas. He hez kin able tn fgger ont
how a labtrin man Good live and gro fat
on four cents n meel if he patronized the
stoves aud tin kittles and dinner paleS
intu wich Mr.. Atkinson he'd thrown Liz
whole sole ez an inventor. Doorin the
"hald times" under Mr.. Cleveland's adj
ministrashun he wuz the right bower Nv
kaIamity and the king pin Nv dastitoo-
shun. He Good take a hungry man hoo
he'd lost his job. and hoo wuz vanely
walkin the streets in search Nv anutEer
one and konvince him bi pamphlets and
collums Nv hggers thet he wuZ gilty
wastefulness anG shameful extravaganza
If he wanted tn eat more fodder in TWEEN
ty-four hours than Good be bought fer
thirteen cents and twenty-seven siXtieths
Nv a mill. He Good go before Il konven-
shun NV old maids and fill EN- up with
hggers tn prove thet tha wuZ livin too
gay if tha didn't yoose hiz tin ovens IL
cook in. On all Occashuns WHARF statis-
ticks wuZ wanted-and not much else
Mr.. Atkinson Good alwaze be depended
on tn furnish EN- in emmy quantity tibet
wuz necessary tn bak up emmy cause thet
needed bracin up. Mr. Cleveland early
perSeeved how yoOseful sich a man Good
be tn him wen hiz idees upon revenoo and
the tariff WIZ rapidly CROWN unpopular
with the laberin Dimicrats. Then il wuz
| thct he sot Mr.. Atkinson tn hggerin and
frin off pamphlets and bulletins to at
! tract puhlick attenshun and deklare thet
| everything wuz lovely ez wages WIZ cut
down and men and wimmen thrown out
nv employment hi the shuttin up Nv the
| mills and workshops.
| l menshun these facts only tn sho how
much he wuz appreshiated doorin Gro
| ver's glorious adninistrashun. and how
!
! hgGtr out how We kin win in 1900.
Uv lait he hez been devotin his eXcloo-
! sive attenshun tn assistin the Fillipeenoze
| hoo hev been at war with the Yoonited
! Stats. Wenever tina hev bin able tn hold
our sol-erS in check, or shoot a piZened
arrer intu EN-. hiZ hart hez Overfiowed
with gra,itood. He hez sot Aguinaldo up
| higher than Old George Washington. and
said III him in substance-"Yu must lick
the kussid Amerikin solgers who air de-
! privin yu Nv yer liberties. and then We
kin du sumthin fer yu. | will onload
sum pamphlets ontu the Amerikin army
| thet ort tn maik it a little eazier fer yu
tn du the job"
Then Mr.. Atkinson got intu trubble-
| fer jest ez he commenst tn onload the
| Iiteratoor destined tn aid the Fillipeenoze,
! a wicked and perverse administrator
! sed he Shoodn't du it. The President and
| the PoStmaSter-G General sed it wuz bad
enuf fer our solgers tn hev TO fite nggers.
snakes. and the Thermometer. without
bcin fired on frum the rear. Tharefore
| tha crooelly denied him the privilege NV
the mails. and diabollickly deprived him
NV the konstitooshunal right tn raze the
! Devil. That IL wun recon why | went
| down tn Boston til see him. | wanted tn
express mi sympathy fer him and tn
/
with Mr.. Cleveland's thrown in. l also
wanted I'll see how much NV disturbance
| the anti-imperialists NV Boston wuz capa-
! bic NV kickin up. and what relativ
strength tha he'd eZ voters tn the toomult
tha wuz raisin. In maxim our kalcula-
| ShuEs fer next year we hey found thet it
| wont du I'll depend tn much upon wind.
Votes air whut il goin tn kount. and
WHARF tn git eauff Nv en- is whut is puZ-
zlin all our feeders. and snachin US bald
hedded with anxiety.
Wen | called upon Mr.. Atkinson | wuz
grately surprised tu find him playin
PCnch and ,Toody in hiz parlor He he'd
riS=ed up box such ez the regular
/ Punch and InoGy performers yoose. and
he wuz nockin the little images about in
CRATE stilc. | wuz afra1e he he'd gone
crazy over the loss nv the opportunity to
| onload his StatiSticks upon the FilliDee-
noze, and hardly knu whut tn 81: but
finally rose 70 the hite Nv the occashun
and introodooced miself hi sayin. II am
Dimicrat frum the stait Nv Moo Ger
sey. and | am set afioat ez a peramboo-
| latin miSshunary hi our mutual friend.
/ Grover Cleveland. hoo liz lookin ahed tt
the next nashunal campane tn see if
/ tEare air emmy sines NV resurrection fer
| free traid and revenoo reform or if enrv-
muny." I'm afrade not" sed Mr.. At
! kinSon. iuterruptin me- Mi statisticlis
sho thet wen 6.459,31915 men vote fer
certin measure. and 7.167.371 2-10 men
vote fer sumthin else. and 3.9764OT lib
men vote fer substitoot proposition the
| chances are IL tn l thet the differensia-
shun NV main loCarithm will becum tn
| komplcafed fer the average comprehen-
shun. and that the abstract proposishun
| will fale bi about 90 1-16 per cent"
thot the man wuz crazy fer shoor.
then. and | made haste tn remark. Il see
ii all now. 1t il plane ez dalite: but will
yu kindly tell me whut in thunder w air
piayin Punch and Joody fer, in yoor par
lor:"
'Ez a friend tn G sover I will du So"
sed he. This outfit is destined tn soothe
and kumfert me. | hev dressed up these
dummies III represent the CRATE conflick
goin on between the Amerikins and the