Mesa free press., 1899-03-03

Statesman.
Bridget, did you fix that sugar buck
ct so the ants could not get I'M" "Yis,
mum. OF TUX tn handle off tn cover"
up to Date.
Weary Willie-Say, Dusty, did yer
ever hear a gum drop? Dusty Rhoads
No; but I've heard tree bark.-Col-
orado Springs Gazette.
Kind party-If 1 give you this penny,
what will you do with it? Taters (sar-
castically)-I'll be honest with you,
guv'nor. I'll spend 1t In ritotous living.
What do you suppose causes night
mares?" 'T think it must be the un-
stabbed thoughts that go teeming
through the brain."-Philadelph Bull
letin.
Miss Wellalong-I don't believe half
the men are as black as they are paint
ed. Gayboy-No, nor the women as
blond as they are bleached.-Town
Topics.
Amateur actress-Didn't I act the
part well? Her friend (ambiguously)-
When you left the stage the audience
said it was the best thing you ever did.
Bazaar.
Algy-That girl Is worth half mill
ion dollars, and Clarence Rugged her
for four hours on the pier last night.
Reggy-Yes; another case Of being
pressed for money.-Judge.
Driver-And do you really enjoy play
ing golf? McTee-Oh, don't play;
I'm a caddy. Driver-A caddy? Nc
Tee-Yes; 1 only carry the sticks
around, you know. The others do all
the work.
Jeweler-I can't comprehend why
you wish a silver case on your repeater
instead Of the fine gold case in which1
you bought it. Customer-My dear sir,
the baby's cutting his teeth.-The Jew
elers' Weekly.
Doctor-That's a bad razor cut in
your head, Rastus. Why don't you
profit by this lesson and keep out Of
bad company? Rastus-Ah would,
doctah, but All ain't got no money toe
git er divorce.-Life.
Gee! but I'm tired" said the dry
goods clerk. "Had a busy dayW asked
the motorman. "There hasn't been
much trade, but I have been hard at
work all day cutting up remnants for
our bargain sale tomorrow. Indian
apolis Journal.
$50 those people who have moved in
next door pretend to be from Boston,
do theyY "Yes." "There must be
some mistake. I heard the madam
calling to her little son Arthur last
night, and she didn't pronounce his
name 'Awthuh.'
Aunt Maria-What! Mary, cannot
you comb your hair yet? Mary-No'm.
amt big enough. Aunt Maria-Your
size has nothing to do with your being
able to comb your hair. Mary-Yes, 1t
has. amt tall enough to look on the
top Of my head.-New York Tribune.
First Girl was in front last night,
dear, to see you play Juliet. Second
Girl-Yes, I know you were; but you
needn't have talked so loud all through
nv best scenes. First Girl-Oh. but
you must be mistaken, dear; it couldn't
possibly have been I. I never talk in
my sleep.-Punch.
Angry guest-Say, you! There was
a pair of kid gloves in one of the pock-
cts Of this coat when l hung it up on
that hook. They're gone. Imperturbable
porter-Don't know anything about
'em, sab. sides, dey wuzn't kid. Dey
wuz cheap dogskin, sah.-Chicago Trib-
une.
"How did they come to marry?"
"She saw his picture and resolved that
he was the man to whom she would
lntrust her future" 81 didn't know she
was romantic" "She isn't. His pic
ture was on an advertisement for a
business that must be realizing enor-
nous profits. ."-Washington Star.
Mr.. Borem-I am opposed to intoxi-
eating liquors as a beverage, yet I be-
lieve that liquor rightly used is a ben
eft to humanity. am fully convinced
that whisky was once the means Of
saving my life Miss Cutting-Perhaps
It did. but fail to see how that proves
it q benefit to humanity.-London Big
Budget.
Perry-I wish I'd Of paid more atten-
ton to this here war. Wayworn-
What good would it do you? Just
this: I'd be goin' around right now as
a wounded soldier from Cuby, only
dunno which regiment to belong to. 1t
would be jist my luck to name one Of
them outfits that never got away from
home" e."-Cincinnati Enquirer.
Hicks-So Charley did not marry
Miss Baitwell, after all? Wicks-No:
he promised her he'd never indulge in
gambling. Shortly after, it occurred to
him that marriage is lottery, and a
lottery is gamble. There was moth
ing for him to do but to break the en-
gagement or break his promise, and Of
course he couldn't do that.-Boston
Transcript.