The National tribune., 1899-12-07
A "PATERNAL- GOVERNOR.

Our genial friend, "Dick" Leary, Com
mander, U. S. N, Governor of Guam, ETC.,
seems to have quickly gotten the air of the
Orient up his nostrils, and in spite of his
fervent Americanism become a genuine
Haroun Alraschid. with all the Arabian
Nights trimmings.
He finds his subjects are not nearly up to
the plane of civilization that he desires in
his bailiwick, and he, like many other rulers,
in all ages and lands, has started in to boost
them up by means of DEGREES, which he
calls orders" These have a very humor-
Gus tinge, especially to the sociologist and
political economist
In the first place, the Guamians are des-
perately lazy. They don't do anything-not
even lie around under the shade of a cocoa
nut tree and talk politics. There is no
reason why they should do anything. The
history of our race is that our forefathers
had to hustle around for meat to keep from
starving and for habitations and clothing to
keep from freezing, and so the habit of
work was formed, which still clings to most
of us. But the Guam fellow has no such a
spur. He can pick his breakfast off a
banana tree. which grows spontaneously
and affords him all the shelter that he de-
sires. Neither he nor his wife need any
clothes, except for ornament and they are
neither of them vain. A few feathers drop
pei by wild fowls, and some strips of tara
bark supply their modest tastes as To ward
robe. They have no money, don't want
any, and would not know what to do with
it if they had it. Nobody wants to buy any
bananas, because his own tree raises more
than he and his family can eat. Nobody
has to pay any rent or taxes. or life insur-
ance, or improvement assessments OF street
car fare. or lodge dues. If man don't like
the banana tree he is living under-if he
thinks it is malarious, or unfashion~ble, or
troubled.with sewer gas, and is out of repair,
he simply walks around till he finds another
and takes up his roost there.
ALI this does not suit the stirring Gov.
Dick" He wants more-much more
United States in the air. He demands that
his people shall cease basking in idlo happi-
ness and beastly content. but wake no and
want things, and begin discomfort. strife
and effort until they get them. H orders
that they shall actually wear clothes, and
live in regular houses of some kind. and
have money and property. Specifically
he orders that each head of family shall
have on hand around his
premises cone SOW and II chickens" and
that they shall use money, bring products to
sell them to the Governor, etc.
Here is gladstone Utopia, such us the
Fourierites, Socialists. Com
Anarchists, etc, have long
dreamed of. and aspired to. which Gov.
Dick" wants to ruthlessly destroy. Not
one of the wrongs" evils" "injustices,"
.outrages" and 'cruelties" over which these
ireamers constantly wall, exists there and
vet Leary would introduce them. At pres
ent every man can pick and eat just as
many bananas as every other man. and
there is just as many for him to pick One
tree is just about as good as another for
shelter, and there are many more trees than
families. There is no use agitating the
single tax on land, for there is no tax to put
On ANYTHING and if there We're TO man
wants to own land, and would not pay any
tax for it. There is not a single burning
issue" in the whole island, and yet Gov.
Dick" would introduce them. The mo-
ment that he fixes the standard of respect
able citizenship at zone SOW and II chick
ans, some fellow will put on airs because he
mas acquired two hogs and dozen and a
and then the mad race for
wealth and distinction willbegin and not end
Intil some Guamian has traded for plug
nat and a secondhand bicycle, and all his
leighbors are denouncing him as heart
ess aristocrat, who is trying to subvert
he liberties Of his people, and reduce them
o the condition of serfs.
Gov. "Dick" means well, but he has not
,egun the right way. Let him send to
Manila for red silk parasol, and present it
o the prettiest girl on the island. Then the
lext prettiest girl will not give the men
bout her any peace of mind until she has
ed silk parasol. Then let 'Dick" give out
hat the only way to get red silk parasols is
" raising chickens and pork, and the thing
Till be done. Women's vanity and jealousy
ave done more TO civilize mankind than
ID the DEGREES. edicts and orders ever issued.
One subscriber one guess Two
two gueSses for u
share of that $500. See Supple.