Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1899-03-20

ghetti, representing Ita.y. Back of q
pcrtierre John Bull, with a mask on his
face, who pushed Duke Spaghetti for
ward In this scene John saws wood
and says nothing
Scene-Major Domo with a brass crown on
his head, admiring himself in looking
glass. To his right. on the wall. a paint
ing of Gen. Shafter and his govt, in a
hammock. storming Santiago thirty
miles distant To his left another paint
ing, representing Gen. Eagan on his
Honolulu plantation. eating canned beef
and drinking champagne. Senior Spa
ghetti enters with several large bou-
quets, which he presents to the Major.
After enqu.ring after the health of the
head of the administration and Secre-
tary Alger. he says:
II come to speak few words about the
affairs in the Far East. l presume that
you are acquainted with the CONDITION or
the Eastern question:
Major Domo drawing himself UP six or
seven inches)--'1 am acquainted with
the conditions of everything on earth,
your grace
Duke Spaghett.-.'A thousand pardons.
Of course you are This being true, l viii
CApldiIl " yOu Nitdt LIS L&StSAh &HSSeAoAs
is. The Eastern question Is China. The
Christian and civilized nations of Europe
find it their moral and conscientious Caty
to divide this barbarian empire among
themselves. 1t is our duty-a duty forced
upon us. since we find that China cannot
prevent .t-of carrying the blessings of
civilization to these wretched people OF
course they may object to being civilized,
but can We shirk our duty? In the chaste
and classic language of the greatest man
on earth since Goliath / will say, your
excellency, duty, aye, duty and destiny,
who will check them. who will stop them?'
(The Major swells with pride and unbut-
tons his vest. Yes. your excellency, we
must carry freedom and liberty"
Major Demo with animation)-"Stop,
stop. your grace, not freedom and hber-
ty.' We are the only ones who carry
freedom and liberty. You effete monar-
chies carry only tyranny and despotism,
but since you put the duty and destiny
business so nicely-why, we will COM
promise the matter and allow you to carry
them the advantages of civilization
Now go on with your funeral"
Duke Spaghe tti-"Your excelsency's par
don for my error. We are now arriving at
the point. 1 as representative of Italy ask
your assistance in this humane undertake
ing, as you seem to be in the business
now"
Major Domo (after refection)-"Any re-
concentrates in this case?'
Count Spaghetti-"None, But the Insult
Italy has suffered, your excellency."
Major Domo (more neutrality-suspicious.
subjects have been barbarously outraged
flung in MORO Castle incommuncado in
Cabanas?"
Count Spaghetti-"Not that. your excel
lency, but the gross insult. Listen! In a
spirit of the utmost kindness Italy asked
China to grant her the right and title to
San Nun Bay and little strip of land
not quite twice as large as Italy, and
China with barbarian obstinacy. actually
refused this petty request, thereby insult
ing the proud nation of Caesar and Cicero
Do you wonder after this gross outrage
towards us that We are anxious to carry
the blessings of civilization to them? Then
think of the amount of land. When
think of this insult my blood bo;ls and
scorohes my collar. l VIII control my
passion, however, lest l muss UP your
carpet and destroy your furniture. CThe
count in his suppressed rage tears his Wis
iting card to tatters and disarranges his
cravat). Excuse my emotion-have you
any beer handy?" major Domo rings for
attache who brings in bottled beer).
Major Domo latter the count RECEIVERS
his composure)-"Whyd does Italy ask this
cession of rights and land from China?"
Count Spag'hetti-"Why? Because we
want the land, Why did your exce,lency's
President ask for the Philippines? These
Chinese may object just as the Fflipinos.
but what does that matter? We must act
as civilizers if we have to kill every Mon
gol and Malay on the Eastern hemisphere.
Duty and destiny you know. You have
your vessels handy-those harbingers Of
peace and civilization. Just run them
over to San Nun, drop a shell or so into
the Chinese towns along the way and we
can count a hundred dead Cinnamon for
each sheM-they are so thickly settled
you know. The conquest would be-
! Major Domo-'Dont say conquest
that cruel word!-I have even blotted it
out of my dictionary 'C.vilizing process
is much better. But, Count. fear l must
| say you nay. We could never be a party
to a conquest-it is repugnant to each any
every one of this beauteous adminaStra-
| tlOH- Lei US tnlNk OIL heavenly tNlnBSs
| Count Spaghetti with warmth)-"Heav-
| emily things, with this insult shrouding us
i like a wet horse blanket! Never! We
will carry civilization to these barbarians
with machine guns and shells, as you are
now spreading the blessings of liberty in
| the Philippines. major Don1o winces and
| takes beer. And pray, your excellency,
have we not as ml1ch right in China as
you have in the Philippines?''
Major Domo (wsth v.gor)-"see here.
| Spaghetti you are slipping your trolley,
| OF course you haven't. The Chinese own
| China while we own the Philippines. Do
| you tumble TO the difference? OF course
| the Filipnos have lived in the Philippines
| for few years. but they are no more nor
less than trespassers OF course the poor,
| benighted wretches cannot see IL in that
| light. We weep Bitter tears when we
think of these poor, misguided creatures.
| Spaghetti smiles). You seem to doubt my
\ word. John. calling TO attaehe) John.
| bring in slop bucket and a mop. John
| does sol. l will show your grace how
| deeply l am affected when L think of