The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1899-01-26
HUMoRS OF SPEECH AND PEN.
From The 81. Louis Globe-Democrat

drawing room, or the streets, even in the
churches. we often find the meaning of
words hopelessly confused or the words
themselves clipped and altertd almost out
of all recognition. The English language
seems 10 afford boundiess opportunities to
those who possess that dangerous gift
of a little knowledge, for ludicrous inter
change and misappncation. Here are
few specimens of such blunders that have
come within The experience of the writer.
The old students of polities-their name is
legion-came together one morning upon
the street. Naturally. they were suspicious
Of the government and exceeding anxious
for the country. like so many of their
know-little class ms a bad state OF af-
fairs said whitebeard number one, gloom
lily. AS bad as it can be" agreed number
two, with afaerity. The two white heads
nodded together ominously. There must
be war" quoted one All. you're right.
We can never escape this time" croaked
the other. Let me see, " said number one,
working a tremendous hand towards his
coat-taH pocket; "let me see what the
daily paper procrastinatesi" Somewhat
similar is the story narrated by clergy
man. Late one night he was called Out
10 minister to an old mana worker upon
the adjacent raiiWay-who was supposed
to be dying. The summons was brought
by another old man the elder brother of
the stricken one While he was hustling
about, making preparations for departure,
the Clergyman forgot momentarily the So
ciai status Of his visitor, and asked: rs
he 10 eXtremis o. The old man was not
going to be beaten. Aye, he's right in,
your reverence" After pause. he added
as cflncher. "Clean IN. poor chapi Right
up to the neck, sir" Presently the old man
went on sadly: Me and brother Bin Ave
worked toge ther the past fifteen year" "On
the railway asked the clergyman. AYE,
sir. We've worked all that time on the
armament way" This reminds US Of the
large and burly individual who was asked
ms occupation. Occupation. sir2 Why,
10 be sure, be gorger." OF course he
meant eauger d
Come out o. that" shouted an irate but
zeaions churchwarden in a rural district
10 some urchins who were PLAYING mar
bles against the church door I'm let
passon know how We dessicate the molly
place. " This word forms common stumb-
ing block. A grocer once informed US
that people from quite the respectable
classes not infrequently asked him for
desecrated soup.
Lawyers as well as doctors and the
clergy, frequently have amusing tales to
tell A Canadian barrisrer is responsible
Tor he following: One day a farmer came
into his office and requested that a holo-
graph viii should be prepared for his sig
nature The lawyer began at once to ex-
pam terms, but the tiler of the prairie
who prided himself not a little upon his
segal knowledge only grew angry. II
want Photograph will" he declared; land
/ m going to have IT," he added in paren
thesis. When the impossibility of his re-
quest was still pointed out, he angrily
stumped from the office, shouting Out
D it, If I can't have holograph viii
I'll blamed well die intestiner'
On the occasion of a visit to his native
town by member of Parliament. one
citizen. who had been prevented from go
ing to listen to the speech in the town
hall, asked another who had been present
how the distinguished man had been re-
ceived. Did they cheer him?" he asked
Cheer him?" said the other; II should
think they did. Why, they gave him a
perfect jobation!" This man must surely
have been related TO the long-sufrerlng
landlady who was compelled to put up
with some very noisy and unruly dodgers.
VINO were accustomed to make the night
hideous with their unseemly reveIings
She contided her woes to a svmpa thetic
friend; There's no putting a stop TO il.
drat EN-, and l shah be 'aving the police
down on my ouse soon. / know l shall
It's the same thing every night AS coon
as gets into bed. they're
up 10 all their augeriesr' But as a good
example of a thorough and hopeless per
version OF words, the following would be
difficult TO beat. An illiterate tradesman
had recently taken his seat upon the town
council He was an ambitious man In his
way, and doubtless looked forward to the
time when he would rise from alderman
to Mayor, and thence to the dizzy nights
of parliamentary fame However, he bid
ed his Time and restrained the natural
flow of eloquence that ne felt so certain
he possessed One day debate ruled high
at meeting of the council, until it finally
reached the point-which we believe did
not create precedent-one a somewhat
free exchange of uncomplimentary person.
al remarks. During a momentary hull our
friend felt that the time had come for
him to arise and shine He did arise, and
he did shine, though perhaps not in the
dies he commenced and then checked
himself Il mean, gentlemen Sometimes
I'm on the negatur side. Sometimes I'm
on the firmitur side But tonight I'm
wice-wersy." His speech, which. al least
had accomplished the excellent deed of
restoring good humor to the meeting, Gull
minated at this early stage, and we believe
we are correct in saying that the speaker
has not yet been called upon to represent
"a constituency in Parliament.
The government have alleviated the
confidence of the country" shouted a pub
lie orator, who had intended TO say the
exact opposite. When his supporters cried
at him he recognized his error. Gentle
men, / should have said alenieated" he
continued, amid the jeers of his listeners.
The lens of my camera are too opaque. .
complained an amateur photographer. The
listener. who sympathized, guessed that
he meant oblique, How the thunder re-
verbatesr' exclaimed an ignorant man who
was given, to using long words 1t was
the same individual who wrote TO a firm
TO the effect that he had received pre.
emptory orders for doing such and sucf
a thing. and asked them to be kind enough
to facilitate matters as much as possible
Another man scorned the simple word
lice" and made himself ridiculous by use
of the phrase "solifed water" An ole
countrywoman described her husband a.
"a terrible irrascn old man." while a lady