davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Charlie's Authority,

five called you three times, Char lie," said a mother to her little son, land I'm very much annoyed because of your failure to answer me.
 "Well, mamma, replied Charlie, who was very fond of reading Bible stories, "you ain't any better than the Lord, are you?'
 "No, of course not" answered the mother in surprise. Why did you ask that"
 Because, '' replied the little fellow. "the Lord called Samuel three times. .nd he didn't get mad about it D
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Hardly.

Miss D.-AngeIina, why don't you marry Lieutenant Y.?
 Miss A.-First, because he has no bTains-and he can'tIide, dance or play tennis. What could we do with him? "But he swims beautifully.
 "Oh, yes; but one can't keep one's husband in an aquarium, you know
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Too Nasty.

"Ruggles, 1 am in some embarrass- ment. want to make present of a jewel box, appropriately inscribed. to young lady''-
 "Corhns- -I'n-sorFy- -hauAE,t-a- cent''-
 "Confound you. did you think was asking you for money? 1 only wanted your help in getting up the motto to inscribe on the jewel case. l."
 "Corbus, you interrupted me. was about to say that hadn't a sentiment in my mind that would be appropriate to the occasions "-Chicago Tribune.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
GeoEraphical InfOrmatiOn.

Well, what is an island?'' asked the man upon being informed that his son had now taken up the study of geog raphy at school.
 ''Land entirely surrounded by wa ter, replied the boy
 "That is not correct, !" said the man. An island is land surrounded by wa ter on all sides except the upper side. Lana entirely surrounded by water is suburban real estate. Detroit Jour nal
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
STORIES OF RELIEF.
Two Letters to Mrs. Pinkham.

Mrs. JOHN WILLIAMS, Englishtown, N. J., writes:
 "DEAR MRS. PINKHAM:-I cannot be- gin to tell you how suffered before taking your remedies. I was so weak that I could hardly walk across the floor without falling. had womb trouble and such bearing-down feeling; also suffered with my back and limbs, pain in womb, inflammation of the bladder, piles and indigestion. Before l had taken one bottle of Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound I felt great deal better, and after taking two and one- half bottles and half box of your Liver Pills I was cured. If tmore would take your medicine they would not have to suffer so much. --~>r---
 Mrs. JOSEPH PETERSON, 613 East St., Warren, Pa, writes:
 "DEAR MRS. pINEEaN:-I have sui fered with womb trouble over fifteen years. I had inflammation, enlarge ment and displacement of the womb. l had the backache constantly, also headache. and was so dizzy. I had heart trouble, it seemed as though my heart was in my throat at times chok- ing me. I could not walk around and I could not lie down, for then my heart would beat so fast 1 would feel as though was smothering. l had to sit up in bed nights in order to breathe. I was so weak 1 conld not do any thing.
 II have now taken several bot ties of Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound. and used three pack ages of Sanative Wash, and can say I am perfectly cured. l do not think I could have lived long if Mrs. Pink hams medicine had not helped me" "
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
DEAFNESS CANNOT BE CURED

By local applications, as they cannot reach the diseased portion of the ear. There Is only one way to cure deafness, and that is by cOnstitu- tiOnal remedies. Deafness is caused by an in famed condition of the mucous Things of the Eustachian Tube When this tube gets intiamed you have rumbling sound or imperfect hear ing and when it is entirely closed deafness IS the result and unless the inflammation can be taken out and this tube restored to its normal condition, hearing will be destroyed forever nine cases out of ten are caused by catarrh, which is nothing but an infiamed condition oi the mucous surfaces.
 We will give One Hundred Dollars Tor any case of Deafness [eause by catarrhl that cannot be cured by Halls Catarrh Cure. Send for cir culars, free
 F. J. CHENEY & CO, Toledo, O. Sold by Druggist, 75c.
 Halls Family Pills are the best.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
2 Did Pnrt HinIseIf.

"Then it Is not true, Mir. GOtroX, that you are q self-educated man?"
 No; l have had the advantages of good common school training. But 1 used to write my own excuses when played hockey. En- Quirer.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

The Berbers of Morocco are all inter- esting blond race dispersed along the Atlas range. In the central Atlas they still call themselves "Berber" (plural Perebber). but the meaning of the word is uncertain Perhaps it is the source of OCT word "harharian.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
The Light that Failed.

Visitor-And so Maud is going to get a divorce from her husband? Why, the last time saw her she told me he was the light of her life.
 HOstess-Well, the trouble was he went out too often.-New Orleans Plea yuna
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
q correction.

"We stated" says the Plunkville Bugle, "that the gent now playing Othello at the opera house let his hands hang around like couple of miniature hams He called on us yesterday in re- gard thereto. With assistance of the pressman and the shoemaker who occu pies the room adjoining The Bugle office we ejected him, but not until he had landed on us with hand that showed the use of the word miniature to have been a serious mistake. "-In- dianapolis Journal
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

Parson Jones-Brederin, you mus remember dere am two roads through life. One am de broad an straight road dat leads to perdishun; de odder am de straight an wide road dat leads to Sho' destruction.
 One of the Flock-In dat case dis yer pusson takes to de woods!-New York News
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

It used to happen in Java that, owing to want of transportation facilities, the inhabitants of one part of the island might be starving while those of an other had as much rice as they could eat. Railways have remedied that state of affairs
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Copper Tn Cheese.

Scientific investigations show that the green color for which Parmesan and other Italian cheeses are remarkable is due to the fact that the acid milk is al- lowed to stand in copper vessels, 25 samples of green Parmesan cheese show ing for each two pounds of cheese from to 3.3 grains of copper
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
One of Many.

Giles-There goes a man that Is per lection itself. He was never known to do anything wrong.
 Miles-Is 1t possible! How did he ever manage to reach that ideal state?
 Giles-Oh. 1t was easy enough. He never tried to do anything!
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
A DOUBLE CROP OF APPLES.

On Long Island farm is an apple tree which bore two crops of fruit the past year, and the farmers are taking unusual interest in this peculiarly of nature. Just as much interest has been shown in Hos tetter's Stomach Bitters, which has the peculiarity of curing dyspepsia, indiges- ton. constipation and blood dis orders that other remedies fail to benefit. In chronic cases it rarely fails, and it cures whenever a cure is possible.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Fairly Caught.

Listeners, 1t Is said, hear no good Of themselves, and there Is another form of eavesdropping to which similar remark might apply.
 A young man who had been sent by a newspaper to report the proceedings of political meeting in neighboring town was occupying his time while on the journey by writing letter in short hand to a brother reporter at home. Having finished the body of the letter, he proceeded to add a postscript as fol lows:
 "P. S.-A rather pretty young wom- an, by the way, is sitting on the seat directly behind me. She seems consid erably interested in what I am doing, and I believe she Is a stenographer herself, and has read every word I have written"
 "Sir" exclaimed the young woman, interrupting him Indignantly. Then she turned a fiery red and looked the other way.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

We pay $lOO if We cannot prove that we can save you MONEY on everything you buy, We are saving the people of the Pacific Coast thousands of dollars every month. For full particulars, address, Gil bert Clements Sons, 2lS California St. San Francisco, Cal, Wholesale and Retailers of family Supplies.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Easily Explained.

"Id like to know why 1t is." growled old Bullyun, "that I'm bothered almost to death by commercial agency report CTS Investigating my financial standing. I invariably pay cash and have never asked for credit"
 That's all very true," replied his friend, "but you seem to have over looked the fact that your only daugh- ter recently celebrated the eighteenth anniversary of her debut into the world"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
They Destroy Wis Works.

In China the faith in heredity is so strong that when a "habitual crimi- nal" is captured they not only cut him into small pieces. but put all his sons and grandsops to death. The Celestials evidently believe that faith without works is dasd -f5ncfcn ( !nhe
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Women Workers in Germany.

It is officially stated that there are in Germany three women employed as chimney sweeps, thirty-fve as skaters, seven as gunsmiths, nineteen as brass and bell founders, fifty as payers, 147 as coppersmiths, 379 as farriers and nailers, 309 dncluding girls) as masons. eight as stonecutters, and 2,OO0 in mar ble, stone and slate quarrles.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Mistaken Identity.

She-Dear me, he doesn't look as If be could play football. He is So thin and pale.
 He-Hush! That isn't a football player. That's SchneitZSckwitzski,t the celebrated pianist.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Heroic Measures.

'T understand that your daughter has begun taking lessons on the piano"
 "Yes; the folks who live next door to us are very obnoxious people. We want to have them quit the Deighbor. hood"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Barred Out,

"And so that insurance company de- clined to give you a policy? Whats the matter? Aren't your lungs all right, or Is your heart affected, or"
 "Oh, I passed a good examination, but the agent found out in some way that we have our flat equipped with folding beds"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
No Ear for Mu.ic.

Isabel, won't you stop singing lit tie while? I want to take a nap"
 Certainly, papa; but I wasn't sing Ing. l was practicing my college yell"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
From Head to Foot.

For all aches, from head to foot, St.
 Jacobs Oil has curative qualities to reach the pains and aches of the human family, and to relieve and cure them promptly.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Suspicious.

SuspIClOuS
 Miss Flashleigh-Mamma, 1 believe the baron Is an impostor. Mrs. Flashleigh-Why, dearest? Miss Flashleigh-Didn't you notice him at dinner yesterday? He took his napkin and wiped off his plate just like people who are used to living in cheap boarding houses do.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
A Gentle Reminder.

Father Calling from the head of the stairs at 1 50 a. m.)-Fannie!
 Fannie-Yes, papa; what is 1t?
 Father-I wish you would ask that young man where he would like to have his trunk put when 1t comes.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
An ImpressiOnist.

The Old Friend-I don't believe you realize the dignity of your position.
 The New Millionaire Don't have to. I've a butler hired for that.-Cincin nati Enquirer.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Limited,

willie, how many times did that MT. Huggins kiss your sister?"
 Il don't know, sir; l can only count LID to 1OO."-YonkerS Statesman.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
SeIf-Evident.

"When we elected him we thought he was a statesman, but we find now that he Is a mere politician"
 "Oh! Then he has gone over to the other party, has he"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
SUPPOSE WE SMILE.
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
 THE COMIC PAPERS.

Pleasant Incidents Occurring the World dOver-Sayings that Are Cheer full to Old or YOung-Funny Selec' tious that Everybody Will Enjoy.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
RadIV Drawn.

Magazine EditOr-NO. sir; this picture will not do. We can't accept it.
 Artist-What's the matter with 1t? Edltor-NOt one of the girls appears to be more than six feet tall.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

When coming to San Francisco go to Brooklyn Hotel, 20S-2l2 Bush Street. Am erican or European plan. Room and board $l.00 to $1.50 per day; rooms 50 cents to $1.00 per day; single meals 9 cents. Free coach Chas MontgOmerV
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Last Resort.

'Did you get the baby's pictureF" "Yes, but the photographer couldn't take him; we had to go to a kinetosco- per-"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Amo.s other Things.

"So you've lost your new servant al- ready?" remarked lady sympathetio- ally to q neighbor
 "Yes
 What time did she go?''
 "Ireally can't tell, l" was the reply. "She took my watch with her. Rose leaf.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
The Inevitable F. g.

Mrs. Smith-Is your wife out of town? I haven't seen her for some time.
 Jones-Yes. she's staying in the coun- try for the benefit of her health. just received ten-page letter from her this morning.
 Mrs. Smith-And is her health im- proving?
 Jones-I don't know. You see, have not got to the postscript yet.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

The last safe retreat of the beaver in the United States Is the canyon of the Rio Grande, between Eagle pass and El Paso, a distance of about 300 miles
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
folding beds
The Washington Postof1ice Marck.

The Wash1ngtOn PostOH1Ce WarCL-.
 What's the matter with that post office clock?" asked the visitor. Tt seems to go by fits and starts"
 'I suppose" said the weary-looking man, "that 1t must have caught the musical spirit of the age, so that 1t can't tell. anything but ragtime."- Washington Star.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

Uncle Sam lived up to destiny in 1898, but there were times when 1t was necessary to be spry, remarks the St. Louis Globe-DemOcrat.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Truly Patriotic.

"You wife seems intensely patriotic" Patriotic! If eagle was good to eat you would never see a turkey on our table Thanksgiving day"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Merely a Theory.

'What Is your theory about elevating the stage?
 "I would begin with the audience"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

ETC Permanently Cured. No It's or nervous tiIS ness after first days use of Dr. Kline's Great Nerve Restorer, Send for FREE $2 .OO trial bottle ana treatise. DR. R.. u. KLINE, Ltd 9S0 Arch St., Philadelphia. Pa.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Never mind, dear" replied the good
The Reason.

Amateur Scientist-Can you explain to me the reason why so many people become insane?
 Guyer-The answer ought to suggest itself. They have no reason.-BOston Traveller
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Regular.

".Little boy, do you attend church regularity"
 'Yes, sir; every Christmas, sir."- Cincinnati Enquirer.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

There are more spoiled men and wo- men than spoiled children-only we do not hear so much about them. Boston Transcript
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
The Shortest Way.

The shortest way out of an attack of neuralgia is to use St. Jacobs Oil, winch affords not only sure relief, but a prompt cure. It soothes, subdues and ends the suffering.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Vivid Descrintinu.

Mrs. Pltt-Has Mrs. Oakland any children?
 Mrs. Penn-She has twO-a boy and a girl. The boy is '95 model and the girl a '97." -Plttsburg Chronicle-Tele- graph.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
The PrOiOoue

Smlth-You are not superstitious, are you?
 Jones-I should say not. But why do you ask
 Smith-Because I wanted you to lend me SIS until next week.-Washington Star
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Sy Inpathy.
Temllsh-Oh. pshaw; that's too

Mrs. Hemllsh-Oh. pShaw; that's too bad!
 Mir. Hemlish-What's happened?
 Mrs. HemliSh-Mrs. Wimbley fell yesterday and broke her arm and she told me the other day that she was go ing to paint lovely vase for our china wedding present.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
It DeDended.

What a noble act 1t was for that VasSar girl to rescue three men from drOwningw
 "Oh, l didn't know. Were the men unmarried Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
0It,s nnIII Wind.W Etc.

Samuel" said the minister's wife. "if you want me to repair your trousers you'n have to go downtown and get some buttons"
 Never mind, dear" replied the good man, let them go until next week. I'm going to take up collection Sun day morning for the benefit of the heathen"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
To Cure a Cold In One Day.

Take Laxative BrOmO Quinine Tablets. All Druggists refund money if it fails to cure, 25c.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
FIeetinG Courage.

Brer Bear-So you're the measly crit E ter that's been maxim such fuss after me. Why don't you begin to eat me up?
 Brer DOg-I aln't so hungry as was. Exchange.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

Women are naturally given unto self denial. No one ever heard of Jennie the Kisser."
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

A man should never tell his wife to hurry up when she Is coming dowE stairs.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

It hurts person less to be lied about than 1t does to lie about otherA
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

never used so quick a cure as Piso's Cure for Consumptlon.-J.B R. Palmer, Box III, Seattle, Wash, Nov. 9, 1895.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

It's difficult to find a man who Is willing to hold the ladder of success while you ascend it.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11

St. Jacobs Oil cures Rheumatism. St. Jacobs Oil cures Neuralgia. St. Jacobs Oil cures Lumbago. St. Jacobs Oil cures Sciatica. St. Jacobs Oil cures SpraiRS. St. Jacobs 0ii cures Bruises. St. Jacobs Oil cures Soreness. St. Jacobs Oil cures Stiffness. St. Jacobs Oil cures Backache. St. Jacobs Oil cures Muscular Aches.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
Cold Comfort.
Terrified Passenger-WilI you ever

get the boat to land?
 Boatman-Not likely! But 1t don't much matter. The old tub wouldn't stand another trip anyhow!-Judy.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-02-11
YOUR LIVER {; $: | i; !, Essss' s;:$.' si:.

MOore's Revealed Remedy will do it. Three doses will make you feel better. Get it from your druggist or any wholesale drug house, or from Stewart & Holmes Drug CO., Se=stfa -
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1899-10-15
COLONY GIVES WARNINGS.
Inhabitants Are Cautioned as to
Their Conduct.

Cape Town, Oct. 19.-(Delayed in trans
mission. "A proclamation has been issued,
signed by the Governor of Cape Colony,
Sir Alfred Miner, and the premier, w. P.
Schreiner, saying that, owing to the state
of war existing between the imperial gov
eminent and the Transvaal and the
Orange Free State, 1T is expedent to warn
Brtlshers and others of their duties and
Obligations TO the Queen.
1t eXhorts all to observe loyalty to the
Queen and government, and to abstain
from reasonable and seditious acts, and
all words and acts tending to excite dis
affection. 1t warns Her Majesty's sub
jects not to enlist or engage In the mill
tary service of either of the two republics,
and not to carry on trade with or supply
goods to either republic or the citizens of
either. Anyone committing what is thus
prohibited, the proclamation says viii be
punished
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1899-10-15
LETTER FROM THE TRANsvAAL.
Gen. JOubert Denies That He Ever
Favored England.

New York. Oct 14.-Gen. p. J. Joubert,
commander of the Boer forces, has sent
the following letter to George w. Van
6icklen, under date of Sept. II, 1899:
Your letter Of Aug. Z, 1889, came to
hand. I thank you for it and for the op-
portunity given me to remove and contra
dict a wrong report, viz. that l am in IA
vor of England and therein differ from
President Kruger. This is absolutely I'M
true. If President Kruger and ! differ,
then it may be in some of our opinions,
but the maintenance of our self-govern-
ment and the defense of our Independence
lie equally close to the heart of each of us.
Probably this letter will not reach you
before England has begun to fire her can
non upon us and then we shall have the
commencement of the fight, but our God in
Heaven only knows what the end will be.
I'VE read in the English papers of all
the auxiliary troops which are offered to
Mr.. Chamberlain from all countries and
colonies, and that Canada, Australia, In
dia and Queenstown, etc, will aid to sweep
away from earth the little handful of
Beers. Against this force, then, shall the
existence and the name of the Beers, or
rather OF the Afrikander nation, be no
longer heard of.
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1899-10-15
years standing.

Major NJ w. Lang, Assistant Paymas-
ter U. S. v, says the following in regard
to Pe-ru-na: Il have used Pe-ru-na for
nervous dyspepsia for the last three
weeks. l can cordially recommend it to
any one suffering from a similar COM
plant; especially do l feel pleased to speak
a good word for it in this particular be-
cause dyspepsia or indigestion is quite too
common malady among Americans. 1t
has distinctly benefited me, restoring me
to a normal condition of good health when
l was utterly incapacitated by a disorder
SO easily cured by a few doses of really
good medicine. 1 have also used Pe-ru-na
for catarrh in its troublesome incipient
stage, and can also recommend it as pecu-
liarly adapted both as preventive and a
cure in so changeable a climate as this"
Major Lang's home address is yelling
ton, 0.
Dyspepsia is catarrh of the stomach.
Pe-ru-na cures catarrh wherever located.
Hon. c. N. Smith, Superintendent of
Buildings, Charleston, w. Va, speaks in
the following terms of Pe-ru-na. He
says: Il desire to express to you nv
appreciation of the wonderful virtues
and curative properties of Pe-ru-na as
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1899-10-15
WANTS SUPPORT FROM EAvEs.
Wife and Mother Tries to Make Hus-
band Look After the Child.


Willie caves filed in the Superior Court
yesterday her petition against her hus-
band, Joseph Eaves, asking temporary and
permanent alimony and attorneys fees
The plaintiff alleges that for some time
after their intermarriage she and the de-
PENDANT lived happily and peacefully TO
gether.
After a period of domestic felicity such
as has been described, Joseph, it is charg-
ed, began to beat and abuse her and final
ly deserted her. He refuses to contribute
to the support Of his wife and child though
his position, as foreman of the De Soto
barber. shop, amply enables him to do it,
Judge Falligant granted an order, re-
curing the defendant in the alimony case
of Melissa Green against William
Green TO show cause why he should
not be attached for contempt. The
defendant has refused and neglect
ed to pay the alimony and attor-
ney's fees directed by the court This he
will be given an opportunity to explain
and, if he mend not his ways to repent