, 1899-01-07
TURNED H TABLES.
A STORY OF ARTEMUS WARD AND
HENRY J. BYRON.


meeting of the late Henry J. Byron
and Artemus Ward. 1t was at the Saw
age club after one of the Saturday din
ners, and Tom Robertson suggested to
Artemus to have a tilt with Byron and,
if possible, draw him out. The genial
Snowman had only been in England a
few days, hut he knew Byron's me
tier and went for him in this fashion:
az fancy | have seen a face like yours
before. Did you ever have a brother
Alonzo?'' Robertson was behind Arte-
mus and winked at Byron.
"Alas, | had!" replied the drama
tist, instantly catching the situation.
"He was a mariner, engaged on the
deep?"
That's co."
"You haven't heard of him for five
years.
Byron affected to be lost in reflection
and deliberately replied: Its five
years ago this very day. How curious
you should mention it, sir!'
"Well. sir" replied Artemus, taking
out his handkerchief and pretending to
NIlt away ~ tttir L lit Nhc bait sch
with your brother. We were wrecked
together in the gulf of Mexico, and be-
fore help came | killed and ate himl
The l saw you l recognized the
likeness. He was a good fellow, full of
tender feeling"
81 am glad you found him tender, "
interrupted Byron, also pulling out his
handkerchief.
but, sir, | am awfully sorry l ate
him." said A.rtemus in the most imper-
turbable fashion. Had | known |
should ever meet his brother | am sure
I'd have gone without food some weeks
longer. But / was driven to it, and you
will forgive me, won't you? l liked
Alonzo," and he offered his hand to
Byron, which the latter shook with cor
dality.
Excuse my emotion, won't your"
gasped Byron in his handkerchief. "He
never wrote and told me what had be-
come of him. l hope he agreed with
you"
"a slight indigestion afterward. He
was IA little tough" replied Artemus,
"but we'll not speak of that. We both
suffered. He suffered most. Bat remem-
Der, sir, the law can't touch M now
1t was stern necessity, and necessity, as
you may have heard. knows no law.
But / am willing to pay you damages
for the loss. About what would you
think a fair compensation
"Don't mention it, =" said Byron, who
now thought it time to urn the tables.
~ think your name is Ward?" said he.
eyes"
"Artemus Wardp"
"Quite So"
"You had a father?"
~ had"
"He vas a Yankee peddler in his own
country, was he not? Sold bug pizen
and fine tooth combs?"
you've hit the comb-I mean the
HE died in the black country of
England, did he notT"
"He did,"
well, l killed him. 1 knew you
were his son the moment I laid eyes on
you. He was a nice old gentleman, and
l made his acquaintance in Stafford
shire. He wished to go down a deep
coal mine; SO did /, and we went down
together, had a good time, explored,
lunched with the miners, drank more
than was good for us and proceeded to
return to Mother Earth's surface. After
you have been down a mine you are
fond of your mother. l assure you. The
prodigal felt nothing to what l expe-
rsnyanA ~ .n-al aL- l,-o Ln-l.~k
and were being slowly drawn toward
the mouth of the pit when | saw the
old rope was about to snap under the
strain. 1t was a %perilous, a horrible, a
critical moment. The weight of two
men was too great, and your father was
a broad, bulky man. Self preservation
is the first law of nature. An instant
more and we were both lost. We seemed
to be about 80 feet from the top.
l hastily called your fathers atten.
tion to something-implored him, in
fact, to look down the mine. He did so,
and as l gently tipped him over he went
whirling and crashing to the bottom.
1t was rough on him, but l saved my
self. l ciphered it out on the instant
like this: He is an old man, nearly
bald, deaf in IL ear, two teeth gone in
front, with only a few years to live. l
am half his age, strong and healthy,
the father of a young family, with a
career before me, a comedy to finish for
the Haymarket and a burlesque accept
ed. at the Strand. Now, l ask you, I'M
der the circumstances. did l not behave
nobly?"
lyon did, you did, sobbed Arte-
mus. II would have acted that way
myself"
II am glad to find you so intelligent.
You ate my brother and found him
tough, and | am the assassin of your
dear old father" continued Byron.
keeping up the farce of pretended emo
ton 1--WE are both avenged Let us
draw a veil over the past and never
allude to these h~eartrending incidents
again"
agreed We cry quits Shaker
roared Artemus, extending both hands
and dramatically dashiDg "A food of i'm
aginary tears from his eyes Then he
summoned a waiter, glasses round were
speedily ordered, and everybody was full
OF congratulations upon the ready man
ner in which the two wits had conduct
ed their impromptu chat. -Exchange.
a Reason.
The Sweet Young Thing-But why
should not women enter politics?
The Savage Bachelor-Too many |
hOsses there nnw -Indianannlis Jopr-