The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-23
STARTLING NEWS
FROM THE ORIENT
cleveland Plain Dealer.)

extracts from the Cavite Chronicle.
They are supposed to antedate the re-
cent Filipino outbreak:
A soldier from Pennsylvania came
into the sanctum yesterday and said
that he desired to favor the editor with
d communication. Here it is:
"Misder editur: l want to say tree or
two vorts dis peezness aboudt. l din6
it would Go some felers gOOt ven dey
reat it yet mebby. Dey say, oh, veil,
dose Pillypeeners vos chust Ike u soft
schnap ven a man pig money Oct easy
makes. Dots all not correct. Manila
vos chust so hard to make some money
out of as vas Nye York or SlinSinatti.
Look at id. a German man ist here
gekOmmen, ind den right away leedle
beer garten he opens. In two, dree
weeks he is bankrupt No Won by Ma
Mia thinks beer. No Won eats skeese.
No Won lofes sissidge. Mebby a Ger
man man comes Offer und says, 'Dere
is 10, 000, 600 peoples in der Pillypeeners,
und [ will sell dem retty made cloding.
Seben sic? Veil, he soon finds oudt dot
nine Millions nine hoondred ind nine
ty-nine tousend of dem ton't even wear
pants. Mebby a hat und cap store he
starts. Volts der consequence? Males
ton't wear hats; nieder do Skinese; ME
der do half-preeds. Spaniards only wear
poys' brices, und dere aind no money
in id. If he opens a pawnshop der Pill
lypeeners amt got nothing to pawn,
und he'd half to sit up all night to keep
dose dree balls from gittin' shtole. Id
aind no goot in der millinery line, ME
der, und id is choost as bad in der
tressmaking peesness. Vat can you do
nit Vinmen dot walk arount all der
dime like der laties of der 'Ammyzonian
l. 7 -
you to brint it in der baDer dot Ger
mans mid only leedle capital better
shtay away some dime yet, und dots
der advice of yoors druly,
HEINRICH DOODLESAXEISEN
g g g
Football has taken a wonderful hold
in Manila. Some of the Spaniards even
prefer it to bullfghting. a great crowd
witnessed the concluding game of the
series between the Cannbals and Mis-
sionarieS on the Cavite grounds last
Sunday. 1t was holly contested strug-
gle, the Cannibals finally winning by
two fukes, four bad decisions and a
bribed timekeeper The winning eleven
aired their new yell for the first time.
1t goes something like this:
Billed and roasted. fried and raw
Raw, raw, raw,
Cannibali"
g g g
If you wish to retain your health I'M
til thoroughly acclimated:
Drink Dewey Distiilation!
the
Great American Invigorator,
It will revive lost appetites, rouse up
torpid livers and restore tone to broken
down systems. 1t makes the old young
and the young younger. AS a shoe and
furniture DOTisb if M aouaIi Road
thee testimonials:
If / had previously partaken of your
id remedy l might have avoided most
of those unpleasant sinking sensations
Yours regretfully,
ADMIRAL MONTEJO."
"A friend coaxed my late uncle to try
a bottle of your famous Distillation
Through a misunderstanding he drank
it all at one dose. AS his sole heir and
executor, L write to express my graft
tude to you and your noble remedy.
SENIOR SPIFLICATO."
Il suffered from complete loss of ap-
petite. Hearing of your remedy,
bought a bottle on the installment plan.
After taking my first dose 1 awoke at
night as hungry as a shark. 1 arose
and went down to the kitchen pantry
and ate six missionary chops before
my hunger was appeased. In fact, L
have beer obliged to reduce the dose, /
being so scarce. Kindly
send me another bottle c. o. d., and
oblige, CHIEF LILIBULERO."
Six pesetas per bottle. OF all drug
gists.
WANTED-The Chronicle wants a few
hustling rooters to get up routes. APP
ply to circulation department. alley
door.
WANTED-Room in a private blue
blooded Spanish family ~ a fastid-
ious American gentleman with one
leg, named Johnson. He will expect
to pay but three-fourths of regular
rates. Address C. r. Itch, box 4-l1-44,
Mascot Office.
WANTED-The address of the young
woman with the exaggerated Wet
weather costume and the mahogany !
colored combinations who saw the !
gentleman in the silk hat assaulted |
by the little lady with the green para
sol in front of the Balboa house. Adj |
dress John D. Skillington, attorney
at-law.
WANTED-Good barber. One accus-
toned to use of currycomb preferred |
Steady employment while at work y. |
Razzer, 81 Hidalgo street.
@ q 81
WANTED-Bouncer. One not afraid of |
his good looks. Steady employment
while he lasts-for the right sort of |
man. Address Gindelheimer's Quick |
Lunch.
@ o o
to feed press: one ac-
customed to feeding himself preferred. |
Also mail clerk: Malays need not ap-
ply. Address Professor Twigsby. 3.
a. this office. Whitewashing done at /
reasonable rates.
g @ 8
hundred old maids |
from the states. Massachusetts
barred. They will find the Philippines /
co,onv of unlimited chances. Adj
dress Secretary Home Improvement
company.
o @ o
WANTED-Energeti SCENTS to push
the famous Kansas cyclone cellar
just the thing in case of earthquakes. |
Call on Jay Whiskers, Toboso House.
% @ o.
WANTED-A party with $1,000 to in
vest will find an excellent opening for
his money in the Crater Prospecting |