The Norfolk weekly news. (Norfolk, Neb.) 1888-1900, 1899-10-26
mir. EP|ZOOT WILKINS
lie Returns Home to Fncc Domestic
In~.urrpction and to Perform IA
Most Onpicsnnt Booty" nnd The"
visits MIR. cleveland.

Most onpicsnnt booty" and Then
visits Mr.. cleveland.
downright, 1899, by American Press Asso-
%Ciation.l
AppLEJACK FARM, w1CH IL NEXT Tu
GROVER CLEvELAND's, IN THE STAT
Wv Moo GERsEI.
| Tu the Editur:
hev arrived back tn the old farm fer
n brccf visit tu mi family, in order TIL
| git better acquainted with en-, and til
rcsoom diplomatic rclashuns with mi
wife, Maria, hoose insurgcnt attitood hez
trubblcd me vile | hcv bin in Washing
ton incoobatin various schemes intended
tn unite all kinds NV Dimicrats intu one
CRATE organizashun hoose motto Will he,
1--WE must cit tharc!" | wuZ willin, fer
my part, tn patch up sum kind Nv a
troocc with her ontil the intlammashun
NV her temper subsidized, but ! he'd III
| call in sun NV mi naburs before she
wood consent tn arbitrate. Our dlifrr-
cnccs NV opinyun wuz mostly over the
labor question. She accused me NV shirk-
in the responsibility NV sawin wood, ana
NV cvadin TIE dootics tibet pertain tn the
household. Ez the result NV our ncgo-
shiashuns | wuz obliged tn contribute
sum NV mi rcvcnoo fer the maintenance
NV the family, and tn sine n freely NV
pcccc bindin me tn observe the laws NV
Moo Gcrscy relative tn abscondin hus'
bands hoose wives won't support EN- in
idlencss no longer.
Mi hoomiliashun wuz hard tn bear, but
| he'd tn submit tn it fer the good NV the
Dimicratic party and the puriticashun
NV the domcstick sirklc. 1t IL not mi
purpus, however, tn enlarge upon mi
household abascmcnt. | he'd another and
most unpleasant dooty tn perform wen
called me back frum mi pleasant sur
roundin's in the Buro Nv lnfermashun in
Washington. 1t WIZ tn impart the dis
trcssin nooze tn mi discoverer and bene-
factor, Grover Cleveland, tibet he wuz a
dead man, politically spcekin. After the
Bryan outbreak at the Tammany dinner
in MOO York, on the Fourth of Jooly,
and the flop over of Mr.. Dick Croker tn
Bryan wen he arrived home frum hiz
visit tn the ould country, it wuz pane
fully evident thet sum Nv our dead men
wood hev tn be buried. Sum Nv us got
tugcther at the Buro NV Infermashun
and held u post norton eNaminashun
upon the prcsidenshal chances Nv the
several candidates, and we all conclooded
tibet NV the big batch hoo he'd bin more
or less "menshuncd" hi sumbuddy, MI.
Cleveland wuz dcdcr thar all the rest
NV EN- put tugcthcr. 1t WIZ also desided
tibet it wuZ mi dooty tn brake the noozc
tn hin cz gently cz | Good. When |
went over IL hiz house, | found a big
shinglc nailed tn the frunt door, aud on It
wuz chalked in big letters, Gone tn
Buzzard's Bay, tishin."
The Importance Nv mi misshun. how
ever, demanded tibet | shood see Mr..
Cleveland, ut wunst, and | foo tn hiz
home at Gray Gables. | wuz received ez
well cz emmy Moo Gerscy Dimicrat he'd
a right tn expect tn be, and we sampled
, sun NV the ex-Prcsident's applejack,
witch hit us both in the rite spot. Thare
is nothin like pure applejack tn brace up
on wen yu hev bad nooZe weighin ontu
yure mind and yu want tn onload it on
%sumbuddy hoo don't want tn near it.
After waitin long cnuff fer the flood
tn prodooce sum symptoms NV hilarity, |
took kurrije and preached the subjick
witch | hcu cum frum Washington tn git
rid NV.
Il hcv brlng yu bad noozc, Mr.. Prcsi-
dent scd |.
"Whut IL it, nabur Epizoot?" scd he.
NV pii ii'Ai INV >" i'Aiis ~
tibet yu air ii dead man." scd |, hezitat-
inly, fer ! expected tn see him fiji intu
ii passhun thct wood sho itself in big
words and ii good menny NV EN-.
Don't menShun it," sed he quite camly
fer him. Il hcv bin ded so mcnny
times tibet one more death and burial
won't bother me. ! want yu and all
other Dimicrats tn understand tibet | am
still in the field eZ Il free trade and gen
eral kalamity candidate, tibet kalamity
IL bound tn arrive sooner or later, and
wen it duz | an the logical candidate NV
everything tibet savors Nv discomfort and
lookin backward"
"There don't seem tn be much kalam-
ity on hand jest at present." sed l. AT
leest ! don't see it."
Precisely" sed he. "a Moo Gersey
Dimicrat is generally short sighted, but
kalamity will cum all in a heep sumtimc
Wen we amt huntin fer it, and wen it
duZ the Dimicratic party, hooze strongest
hold liz in predictin it and helpin it along,
will hev no other candidate ez available
ez | am"
Wen fust arrived | he'd made up mi
mind tn keep on ~insistin tibet he WIZ
ded, but wen | found out tibet he he'd
not felt the slightest symptoms NV po-
''fN'i III INT lolhill too
make him believe tibet prosperity wuzn't
kalamity in disgize, l conclooded tn
change mi tactics, and leeve him in the
belief tibet he wuz still alive and well,
and the popular leeder Nv Il CRATE po-
litikal party.
How du yu account fer Tammany's
break IN Bryan" sed |.
"Tammany liz alwaze hoistin a signal
Nv distress wen tharc amt nothin tn he
scared NV" sed he. ut IL alwaze in the
field tn grab everything in site, and IL
wants tn be OF good terms with enny
candidate hoo hez the slightest chance nv
winnin. just now it thinks Mr.. BRYAN
hez a chance, ard it will tickle hiz vanity.
witch is ded easy. Tina tide tn tickle
mine wen tina wuz obliged tn. Mr.. Bry-
an is KILN hizself with hiz mouth IN
tryin tn lite all the battles NV his trends
in the different stats. If the Dimicrats
git licked in all the stats he IL stumpin
in, like Ohio, Kentucky and the rest NV
en- wich tina air likely tn do, he will be
hred overheard hi the next nashunal
Dlmlcratlc conyenshun."
but suppose the Dimicrats shood han
pen tn win in sun NV the important
| Stats whprn M, Rrrn, l., ,,II.;, ~,