Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-04-22
KITCHEN MONOLOGUE

- -I--
The man Of the house is about to go into
the dining room. when he hears voices that
tell him thatthis wife has gone down to give
the hired help threatened going over.
lie quietly Iwithdraws, closes the door
noiselessly behind him. and listens from a
safe point ofivantage
One voice is tmid and hesitating; that is
his wife. The other is fearlessly raised:
that is her majesty, the queen VINO rules
the kitchen, and from it the rest of the
house.
This is what he everhears:
We'll, Mis- Ma'tin hit do seem lax you
Jes' bent an boun' to be a-finn' fault viii
me Wen de Lawd knows Is dom de ve'y
bes' l kin. What bout de brekfus'? lie
STEAK too done an de Eaters amt done
enough! Now, Mis- Matin, L jes' want to
show you L cooked dat steak an dem ia
ters de same lengt' o. time. Seems to me
dey ought TO be done de same. Dat uz
thick steak. an / jes' got hit Drowned thoo
nice What mo- d you want?
on didn't want it fried at all. NOW,
Mis- Ma tin. 'clah to goodness! Who evan
hyeah de beat o. dat? Don't you know dat
iried meat is de bes' kin in de Wort! Wy.
de las family dat l lived wid-dat uZ OF
Jedge JohnSon-he said dat l beat anybody
fryin he evan seen; said l fried evahthing
in sight, an he said my fried food stayed
by him longer than anything he evan ct.
even Wen he paid me off he said 1t was
case ne thought somebody else ought to
have de benefit of my wunnerful powahs.
Huh, ma am, Is used to de bes'. De jedge
paid me de highes' kin o compartments.
De las thing he say to. me was, Caline,
Caline, he say, 'yo' cookin is pa dox.
1t is Grim nal, dey amt no sputing dat,
but it amt action'ble.' Co'se. didn't I'M
nerstan' his langidge, but / knowed hit was
compartments, case his wife, Mis- Jedge
Or ia1l
Shet his mouf.
Dab you goes. Now, who'd "a thought
dat a lady of yo' raisin' an unnerstannin
would "a brung dat up De mo'nin' you
come an ketch me settin' down an de
brekfus not ready, l was a-steadyin'- Is
a mighty han to steady, Mis- Ma tin Deed
| steadies mos all de time. But DAT
mo min l got to steadyin' an aftah While
L sot down an all my troubles come to my
min. l sho' has a heap o trouble. l Jes
sot thaih a-steadyin' bout EN- an a-steady-
in tell bime-bye, hyeah you comes.
mo, maam, l wasn't sleep. Is mighty
apt to nod wen Is a-thinkin'. It's Kin o
keepin time to my idees. But bless yo'
soul l wasn't sleep L shets my eyes sos
to see to think bettah. An aftah all, Mis-
tab Ma'tin wasn't mo- n halfin' howah
late dat mo'in' nohow, case Wen l did git
up 1 sholy flew. Eff you jes' membahs
bout my steadyin' We amt nevah gWlne
have no trouble longs / stays hyeah.
You say dat one night l stayed out tell
l O'Clock. W'y-oh, yes. Dat w Thu sday
night wy la. Mis- Ma'tin, OATS de night
my sciety meets, de AfAme'ican Sons an
Daughtahs of Judah. We had to nitianate
a new can'date dat night an la. 1 wish
you'd "a been thaih you'd "a killed yo'sef
a-laffn'.
You nevah did see SIGH Gains on in all
yo' bon days. 1t pow full funny. Broth
Eph am Davis, he's ouah mos wusshipfui
rabbi, he says hit de mos scessful nltla-
ration we evan had. Dat can'date paved
de groun lax boss an tried to git outen
H. H., yt,tt ,,-ftt
how 1 talk; 1 do know whethah you long
to any scout Societies er not. I wouldn't
been 50 late even fu' dat. but Mistah Ham
Sniff, he gallanted me home, an you know
a lady boun' to stan at de gate an talk to
huh comp y!a little while You know how
it is, Mis- Ma,tin.
Il been en'tainin' my comp'ny in de pa
| lor. Cose l has; you wasn't usin' it. What
you 'spose my frien's nd think eff I'd ak
EN- in de kitchen Wen dey wasn't no one in
de front room. Cose l AK EN- in pa'lor. l
do want my frien,s to think Is wo kin, tu
no low-down people. Wy, Miss Liza Har-
| ris set down an played mos splendid on
yo' pianna, an she; compermented you mos
high. Spose I'd "a tuck huh in de kitchen,
whaih de Compartments come in?
''Yass' m, yassm, 1 does TEX home little
things now an den, dat L does, an L amt
gwine to NY it. I jes' says to myself l
amt wo'kin fu' no STEAMERS lake de peo-
| lady what cooks fu' EN- ticks home bit O.
sugar. lows to myself I amt wokin' flu
no SIGH folks. so sometimes / ticks home
| jes' a weenchy bit o somep'n dat nobody
couldn't want nohow, an l knows you
amt gwine ject to dat You do 'ject you
do ject' Huh.
us got to come an ak you, has I? Look
a-hyeah, Mis- Ma'tin, l know ] has to wo'k
| in yo' kitchen, L know / has to cook fu'
you, but / want you to know dat even eff
| does is lady. Is a lady. but l see you
do know how to 'preciate lady wen you
meets one Hyeah, TEX yo' ap'on, tex yo'
| ap'on. You kin jes' light in an git go own
dinner L wouldn't wo'k fu you eff you uz
| made O gol. / nevah did lax to wo'k flu
strainers. nohow.
NO ma'am, l CANT even stay an git
| de dinner. | know Wen l been nsulted
Seems lax eff l stay in hyeah another min
ute I'll bile all over dis kitchen.
Who excited? Me excited? No. l amt
excited. Is mad. 1 do lax nobody pesterfn'
roun my kitchen. nohow, huh uh. honey
Too many places in dis town waitin' flu
Ca'iine Mason.
No indeed. you needn't 'pologize to me;
needn't pologize to me. | blieve in people
sayin' jes what dey mean, l does
would L stay eff you crease my wagesp
foolishness
(so'us). Huh! Did she think she was
sWlne to come down hyeah an skeer me
huh, uh? Whafhs dat fryin' PAM"
The man of the house hears the rustic of
his Wife's skirts she beats a retreat
and he goes upstairs and into the IibrarT
Whistiing, See, the Conuuerine Haro
Comes PAUL LAURENCE DUNRAR