davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
A SHREWD SCHEME.

A Boston restaurant-keeper was
standing in front of his establishment
grumbling at the hard times and la
mentipg his fate. Although he could
see people walking up and down the
streets, they all seemed to avoid him;
and even the visitors to the town,
who could not be supposed to know
anything about his place, seemed to
avoid it instinctlvely. He meditated
much on his misfortune, and racked
his brain to devise some scheme that
would improve his business. At last
an idea occurred to him.
Going to bronze. founder, he order
ed several peculiar tablets of the kind
that are seen in different parts of Bos-
ton on the fronts of houses to COM
memorate the birthplace or board ng-
house of some one or another of the
city's great men. Fastening these
tablets on conspicuous parts of his
building, he laid in large supply of
eatables, and awaited the result.
Now the great point about these
tablets was that they were utterly
unintelligible-the inscriptions being
half-obliterated Latin--but their
effect was electrical. Every true Bos-
tonian glanced at them, took it for
granted that the restaurant was one
of the many with historic flavor, and
patronized it at once. The strangers
that visited the city looked at the
tablets hopelessly, and then patron
lied the house in the hope that they
would find some one who could ex-
plain the strange inscriptions. liar
Der'S Round Table,
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
THE FILIPINO MILKMAN.

The water buffalo or caribou COW
supplies the milk used in the Philip
pine islands. An Australian has re-
Gently taken so head of cows from his
own country to Manila and started a
dairy. He has demand for more milk
than he can supply at so cents Mexican
a quart. The First Reserve United
States hospital pays him milk bill
of s., 900 gold a month. These were
the first cattle, except the water
buffalo, ever brought to the Philip
pines, and the cost of the freight from
Australia amounted to twice the value
of the animals in the British colony.
The water buffalo, besides supply
ing the natives with milk, is slaugh-
tered for the meat, but very little is
used in the Philippines. They are
also the beast of burden and the fam
lily pet. The children will climb all
over the animal and it is as gentle as
kitten, except when it is very warm
and the flies are troublesome, when it
will take very sudden notion to run
FOR the nearest river or mud pond,
bury ing itself completely and wallow-
ing until covered with coat of black
sticky mud, which serves to keep the
flies from torturing it so effectively.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
LITERARY QUESTION.

The citizens of small Western set
Element in which there were no
school facilities decided on literary
club, or debating society, for the i'm
provement of the mind.
A drummer came along and gave
them the first subject for debate
who was the greater poet, Tennyson
or Browning?"
AS a majority of the members knew
nothing of either, an old inhabitant
rose in meeting and said:
"Seein' as we amt got no books
here to go by, / move that Tom Green
an Bill Spurlin' git out in the middle
of the meetin' an see which th'ows
the other down fust. Well give each
one o. them the name O. one o. the
gentlemen we're debatin' an decide
the question that Away.
Then Browning and Tennyson-in
the persons of Tom Green and Bill
SpurIin-c came forward and went at it.
Spurlin, who masqueraded as
Browning, threw Green four times,
after which the President announced
Browning was a greater poet than
Tennyson, and the Secretary was in
structed to secure Mr.. Browning's ad-
dress and tell him how he had come
ont
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
4 LESSON IN THE ADVISABILITY
OFATTENDING TO ONES OWN
AFFAIRS

] once heard General Grant ask q
person who voluntarily gave him some
advice" said local lawI er the other
day to coterie of friends who had
gathered about him at his club, eff he
had never heard that the gentleman
from Tennessee had amasseG large
fortune by attending to his own af-
fairs The question was brought to
my mind recently by my own foolish
ness in endeavorinR TO help a friend
ing for my pains. l then and there
registered a VOW that | would hence
forth follow the excellent example of
the gentleman from Tennessee, and,
instead of playing the good Samari-
tan, pass by on the other side with the
priest and the Levite.
1.-The story is this: / was walking
down F street one day last week when
| met distinguished colleague, wear
ing n vacuous expression and taking
up the whole pavement as he ambled
from side to side.
"'Come OIL, j John let's have little
walk together and, tucking his arm
through mine, led him directly home.
When we arrived there Mrs. John met
US at the door, and such a storm of
scolding | never encountered. Mrs.
Caudle would have died with envy be.
fore such an outpour. She accused me
of being the cause of her husbands
condition, and, as he stared foolishly
at US, scored me again and again. |
finally escaped, and the next time |
met John downtown we'll and in a
proper frame of mind ! asked him if
he was responsible for his wife. /
could see by the expression of his face
that he remembered enough of the &C.
curence to know what was coming,
but was still unprepared for his
answer.
No, indeed he said, gravely; I'm
not responsible for Mrs. John, not l."
"'Not responsibler l exclaimed;
not responsible for your wife?''
"'Of course not; of course not he
reiterated hastily. I'm only relation
by marriage. She's got two brothers
blood kim"
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
VOL. XLIV---NO 81
VARIETIES.

-Hojack: 81 hear that you are
building q new house?" Tomdik:
Yes; l couldn't very well build an
old one, You know"
Bags: st is said that Dame
Fortune knocks once at every mans
door" Jaggs: well, it was her
daughter, Miss Fortune, who called
upon me-"
He: I've been troubled so much
with neuralgia lately?" She: I'm
your head, presumeT" He: why,
how did you guess2" She: st always
goes to ones weakest spot
Mistress: Mora, you've broken
as much china this month as Your
wages amount to. Now, how can we
prevent this from occurring again3'
Nora: "Oi don't know, mum, unless
We raise me wages"
Collector: "I'dlike to know when
you are going to pay tbs bill? l can't
call here every day." Mr.. Pebbly:
HIN! What day would suit you
best to call then!'' Collector: "sat-
urday." Mr.. Pebbly: VERY well,
call every Saturday"
bank Clerk (scrutinizing check:
Madam, we can't pay this unless
you bring someone to identify YOU"
Old Lady (tartly): ~ should like to
know Why" Bank Clerk: Because
we don't know YOU" Old Lady:
Now, don't be silly; don't know you
either"
-Housekeeper-"I ordered dozen
eggs today, Mr.. Titefyst, and you only
sent me eleven. How was that?'
ma'am, one of them
was bad land didn't think you'd want
it.n
The mother of one of our soldiers
in the late war was busy packing a
box containing food to send to him,
and the servant was watching the
operation. Having placed the last
article in, the mother said: Il guess
that is all Nora; we will now nail it
up" Excuse me, num-" said Nora;
but how is he ever going to get it
open unless we put in al axe?'-Har-
Der's Bazar.
~ am out of all patience with you,
Jack. should just like to know why
ieorge Jones is always at the head of
his class, while you are al the foot ~
Jack hesitated for a moment, and
hen, locking his mother squarely in
The face, he said, innocently You
'orget that Jones has very clever
parents"
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
JOLLY Egg YPTIANS.


An interesting papyrus recently dis
covered shows that many Of the an.
cient Egyptians was quite as fond of
drinking good liquor as are any of the
moderns, says the NeoO York Herald.
In this papyrus, which is three thous-
and years old, the philosopher Ami
writes the following words of warning
on the subject of intoxication to a
student in Channu:
II have been informed that you are
not only neglecting your studies, but
that you are also INDUCING in the
most frivolous pleasures, and that you
spend good deal of your time in
drinking. Now, how can it benefit
you TO drink so much beer every day?
Take advice and shun that insidious
liquor"
From other sources we learn that
students in the land of the pyramids
enjoyed their beer and were quite
fond of playing practical jokes as any
of their descendants. They loved on
festive nights to assault innocent
watchmen, and many peaceful citi-
zen have they aroused from slumber
by laundering on the door of his
house.
From the diary of an Egyptian
lieutenant who flourished about two
thousand years ago we obtained the
interesting information that a quart
of beer cost about five cents, and there
are various entries in the book which
allow us to infer that the average
Egyptian never dreamed of quench.
ing his thirst with less than a quart
at time. Indeed" says the erudite
Epyntolopist who has deciphered this
Justify us in describing the thirst OF
the ancient Egyptians as pyramidal.'
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
A TRAGEDY OF TWO LIVES.

The life of Farmer Millsap's wife
was over. Like head of wheat fully
ripe, she was about to be gathered in
by the grim harvester.
Obadiah" she said in feeble
voice, as the end drew near peacefully
and painlessly, you have been a good
husband to me-"
81 have tried to be, Lucindy," re-
piled Farmer Millsap.
You have laid yourself out to make
things easy and CONFERENCE.-The for
me-"
Il have always tried to do my sheer,
Lucindy."
"Obadiah," she went on, Twelve
lived together fifty-five years, hain't
wef''
I'VE have"
"Aud ever since we were married
you've eat all the bread-crusts, hain't
your
~ don't deny it, Lucipdy."
obadiah" said Farmer Millsap's
wife, after a pause, lit was very kind
of you. And now you won't mind my
telling you one thing, will your"
No; what is it, Lucindy2"
"Obadiah," and there was a world
of self-abnegation in her voice, 81
always was fond of crusts."
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
CONSERVATIVE PARROTT.
From the London Spectator.

FTUHl II5 LUlUUu DpVCIHIUT.
A cousin. who is with us now, has
an aged parrot of most conservative
instincts. She has had recently a new
carpet in her dining room, where the
parrot lives, AM Polly made herself
quite i'll with her strong objection to
this innovation She screamed Take
it away" till she was exhausted; and
at last she refused to eat her food till
they brought square of the old car
pet and put it round the cage. She
then at once became cheerful and re-
concilpd to life, though she will never
take her walks abroad beyond her
beloved piece of old carpet.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11

sional district and previous to that
time had represented his county for
10 ears in the Maryland Senate.
Colonel Smith is one Of the most
popu ar men i'll public life on the East
ern Shore, and has devoted himself
with energy to plans for the improve
ment of that section. He is widely
known as the father of the free
school-book bill, (which he originated
and pressed to passage. He is about
53 years CT age and of genial personal
characteristics. Colonel Smith is by
profession IL banker. He has been ac-
lively identified with politics for years
aud has long been the acknowledged
leader of his county. He is the senior
mem Der of the largest dry goods firm
in Worcester county and has also been
largely engaged in the lumber indus
try.
Dr. j. W. Herring.
DR.. J. w. Herring, the candidate for
Comptroller, is resident of West
minister and has been prominent for
some years in the politics and public
life Of Carroll county. As member
of the State Senate he made favor
able impression by his faithful per-
Torrance of his duty and impartial
rulings upon matters that came before
him as the chairman of number of
impoi tant committees. He is bark
cashier and IL keen and successful bus
mess man, and was until recently presi-
dent Of the Mar, land Bankers Asso
citation, delivering the annual address
before that ASSOCIATION at its meeting
in Ocean City a few weeks ago. He is
respected and esteemed by all classes
OF citizens il his native county, and
has hosts of warm friends and sup
porters in both parties in Carroll. He
is the only layman who has been pres
ldtut of the General Conference of the |
Methodist Protestant Chruch of the |
United States.
Hon. ISidOr RdytPP.
Mr.. Isidor Rayner, who is nominated |
for Attorney General, was born in Bal |
timore ~ years ago. He graduated |
from the University OF Virginia il 1870 |
and then studied law. Soon after his |
admission to tine bar he attracted |
public attention by his ability as an
advocate and in 1878 he was elected to !
the Maryland House Of Delegates In
1886 ue was elected to the State Senate.
lu that body his course WAS SO brilliant
that in 1888 he was nominated for and |
elected TO Congress from the Fourth
district. His record there was a
splendid one and ha was returned in
1890 and 1892. He was, while in Con-
gress, member CT important commit
tees on foreign relations ami on coin
age and currency.
Mr.. Rayner is perhaps best known
to the general masses of the people by
his powers of oratory. He is one of
vincing speakers of the State and he
is alw vs. listened 30 with attention,
whether on the stump or at the bar.
For some Years he has not been an ac-
tive political campaigper and his re-
turn t. the arena Of political debate
means a lively and interesting cam
paign this fall.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
TESTIMONY OF AN EXPERT.

Once upon time Weather Bureau
official on duty in town about q
! days journey from the capital was
visited by the captain of a ship al
anchor in the harbor, who asked him
i'll what direction the wind was blow.
ing the night before.
Due south, replied the forecaster.
Good, good" exclaimed his visi.
tor. Would you be willing to testify
to that in court?'
Certainly" answered the weather
man. whats upf'
"WelI, you see,' retaiIed the CAP.
| tain, my vessel ran into another
vessel last night when she was sup
posed to be at anchor; now, if l can
prove that the wind was in the di-
rection she struck and she was blown
there, will not be held for dam
ages"
"Of course you will call me as an
expert?' asked the forecaster, who
had risen rapidly in his profession,
and whose reputation was very dear
to him.
Well, no. replied the thrifty cap
tain, that would cost too much"
II prefer not to testify, then" an
nounced the weather official.
well, you will testify" replied the
captain hotly, for I'll have you sub
EGnaed.'
All right, them" said the forecast
er; but take my advice and don't do
it,"
That afternoon, however, he re-
ceived a summons to appear in court
the next day.
I'm what direction was the wind
blowing on Tuesday night2' asked the
lawyer for the defence, when he was
called to the stand.
Due south, sir" answered the
weather man, to the glee of his marine
visitor of the day before and that
worthy s attorney.
Very good" said the lawyer; you
may step down.
Just d moment" continued the
witness; 1.-The wind was blowing south,
but l feel ! should say that it was
blowing only two miles an hour"
The captains face flushed with rage,
the lawyer looked indignant, and the
man who predicts the weather smiled
Il jubilant smile when verdict was
rendered for the plaintiff. The next
time the old salt has need of that fore. |
casters testimony it is safe to say he |
will have him called as an eYpert
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
HE DISPOSED OF THE BOOK.

From The Chicago News.
"Now, here is bookm exclaimed
the seedy man, as he dashed in the
bankers private office.
Don't want no books!" grunted the
banker.
But this is one you can't help De-
ing interested in"
Haven't time to read books, and"-
But am sure you will take this
book" persisted the seedy man.
Look here, sir, do you intend to
leave this room, or must p
Don't need to call the janitor; I'll
go. This is your book, though"
"My book?"
"Yes, your pocketbook. found it
in the hall" Then he vanished.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
HOW PRESIDENT ARTHUR AND

There is a good story of the Presi-
dental excursion down TO the Eastern
Shore Of Maryland. The party EN-
braced Secretaries Blaine ana Win
dom an.i others. They were fortunate
enough to hear an eXcallent sermon
from the venerable Protestant Episco-
pal Bishop of Maryland, who was
there to administer the rite of con-
ti"mation. The President and the two
Secretaries sat in quiet satisfaction.
But their peace of mind was suddenly
dispelled. The offertory was sung.
AT the familiar words:
Let your light so shine before men,
etc." the President and the Secreta-
ries each quietly dropped a hand into
a pocket.
Lay not up for yourselves treasures
on earthn
Window drew forth crisp one
dollar note and held il between his
thumb and forefinger, ready for the
approaching plate The President
aud Mr.. Blaine went a little deeper
into their pockets. One brought up
nickel and the other A dime Their
faces flushed. 1t would never do to
make such 4 contribution.
He that soweth little shall reap
little, and he that soweth plenteously
shall reap plenteously God
loveth a cheerful giver."
The President went into his pocket
book, and the Secretary of State ex-
nlored his vest pocket with nervous
fingers.
Il .ccheus stood forth and said unto
the Lord: Behold, Lord, the half of
nv goods give to the poor, and if |
have done wrong to any man restore
fourfold.'"
The plate was only four pews away.
What the President found in his
p0ckethook was one fifty.doilar note
and a ten-dollar notwithstanding
smaller. What Mr.. Blaine found was
two ten-dollar notes-nothing smaller.
To put in q nickel or a dime only was
not to be thought of. To give $40 was
more than either cared to do. Each
look ed at Window sitting there calmly
with his dollar note in his hand. He
shook his head.
Charge them that are rich in this
world that they be ready to give and
glad to distribute"
There was no time for further pocket
exploration or consideration. With
smile of commiseration at each other,
and something like glee on Windom's
placid counteDance, the President and
the Secretary OF State each planked
down his ten-dollar note for 1.-The poor
of thi, congregation" And the worst
of it is, said one of the party afterward,
that the Lord would probably give
them credit only for the dollar or two
which they intended to give.-Phila-
delphia Inquirer.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
Puctical.
TT CANNOT LAST FORET.ER

>~~--~~-N-~>-~-~---@~~
IT CANNOT LAST FORETER.
I've word of comfort for you
Who on life's rugged road
Are t0lling meath the burden
Or heavy, hopeless load.
1t Will make the heart grow lighter,
Whatever be your wrong,
And give you strength to bear it
III you take these words along,
And say when clouds of darkness
Around your pathway hover,
THE sun IS shining just beyond,
1t cannot last forever
Just try them when you're wcaried
BY each petty care and strife,
by each little aggravation
~ our common daily life.
When angry words are rising,
That you can scarcely smother,
And ever, thing seems ''tn listed I'd"
And tied in knots to bother,
You'll lind these words are like knife,
-, Each twisted knot to sever;
Then sfraighten out each tangle with
1t cannot last forever.
Or if some great disaster
IKE Il cyclone sweep your sky,
And stunned and helples with the shock
beneath the wreck you lie,
Remember that no storm comes
But hath C earring day:
The darkest nighv morning,
An emu the longest way;
Then take these words TO cheer YOU,
QUILL find in them Ike lever
To raise your sinking spirits up,
1t cannot asst forever"
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
The Democratic Nominees.
(DI, John HUJtpp Smith.

Col. John Walter Smith, the nomi
nee for Governor, is Il native of WOr
cester county and has a beautiful home
at Snow Hill. He was elected to Con
gress last fall from fine First Congress
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
An ADVENTURE WITH Il POR.
POISE.
From Forest and stream.

From Forest and stream.
One afternoon about $50 o'clock,
while fishing for tarpon, received a
terrible blow in the back of the head
which threw HE out of the boat, into
the water, and almost stunned me. l
was pulled back by my guide into the
boat, which was floating full of water,
and found, lying full length in it, a
porp0ise about nine feet long, which
probably weighed over five hundred
pounds. OF course, this fish never
struck me, or he would have brok. n
me to pieces. What happened was !:
He jumped high into the air, as they
frequently do, and landed head first
at my feet in the stern of the boat,
knocking a hole through the ceiling
and bottom of the boat, and stunning
himself. The blow | received was
caused by his body falling upon me.
The nearest rowboat was several hun
dred yards off, and, as we feared the
porpoise might recover at any moment
and smash the boat to pieces with his
tail, my guide, Santi Armeda, tried to
push the porpoise over the edge of the
| boat, but was unable to do SO, owing
to the fish's weight. Rather than take
| the consequences of what might hap
peu III GIc pOIpoIse Cdluc W DclOIc We
were taken out of the boat, we slipped
into the water and rolled the boat
over, losing everything in the boat,
but glad to do so, as it included the
| porpoise. We then turned the boat
right side up and crawled into its in
side. which, although full of water,
floated and supported us, and especial
ly protected us from the possibility of
being bitten by sharks, of which there
are great many large ones in the
pass. | have heard that these sharks
will not tackle a man, but it is my
opinion that a shark which can tackle
and swallow a tarpon - ould not hest
ia q much at a man. Ibid not intend
takin any risks, and was very glad to
Fl ID myself inside the boat again
Very soon afterward a rowb0at came
to our help, taking us on boarC
II. Il cowing us ashore. OF course,
got no more fishing that trip; my mech
felt almost broken, and all the muscles
of the neck and back were terribly
strained and sore.
Heels there anything in til,
world that bores YOU more than fiat
, tery?" She-"Only one thing that
now think Of" He-"What is thatf'
She-''Not to be fiattered."
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11
lie AGIS ANDI\IEi.IJLE.NlEk
90 ""t'r"eG Gts!F 'TtNHY.
TERMS.-SI.OO a Year In advance
Is Published ErsrE Friday.

Transient Idrerttsenents.-On Square, 8
insertions or less S1.50. Each subsequent in
sertion % cents. Longer advertisements in
the same proportion. a space equal to six
lines makes square. Figure work double
price.
Obituaries and Personal Communications
will be inserted at 10 cents per Line.
Yearly Advertisements at Special Rates.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-08-11

Heels there anything in the
world that bores YOU more than fiat
tery?" She-"Only one thing that |
now think Of" He-"What is thatf"
She-''Not to be fiattered."