davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
AMERICAN HUMOR.
An English Comedian Compares 1t
with the British Article.

An English Comedian Compares 1t
with the British Article.
George Grossmith, comparing Ameri-
can humor with English, says; "A
New York gentleman was once chatting
me about my pronunciation Of certain
words, and | was very much amused at
it. so l said to him: It's our language,
you know We invented it before yen
were discovered. He was bit abas shed
at first. Then he said: That S so. Well,
l think it's about time you learned to
speak it..
ut is very difficult TO score off an
American. aud you can't play prac-
teal joke on one at all I've often
gene, when I've had 9 fE!12a with g2e
into some old city bank, like the Bank
of England, for example-staid old
place, you know. We've marched up to
the counter, and I've said quite calmly
to the old gentleman behind it, Can t
/ have a brandy aId soda and some
sandwiches?' They've always been most
polite and taken it seriously, saying,
We don't keep brandy and soda and
sandwiches here. But you have them
ordered in from outside. Yes, but
that of course is for ourselves, and so
on, all quite gravely and without the
suspicion of a smile or the slightest
culver Of the muscles Of the counte-
nance to indicate a sense that a prac-
tical joke was fooling around"
"And in America you would have
Jared differently"
Rather. went once to the state
house in Hartford There was a man
standing at the entrance, an Official
with band around his bat, so | step
ped up to him ard said, Can you tell
me if this hotel is conducted OH the Eu-
ropean pIan?' He simply looked at me.
and calmly said, Any more? Then
there was moments awkward pause,
and | had to walk OUT
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
Answered According to His Folly.

Court attaches Of Campbell county
who have seen several years of service
tell many anecdotes in which the late
Judge Boyd figured as principal, says
the Cincinnati Enquirer. One Of the
best is that concerning the manner in
which be disposed of an unruly drunken
man who once interrupted bis court
proceedings.
The scene was at Alexandria, where
the judge was holding court. The court
house there is a represer .atiTe country
temple of justice. t.e. Z RS opening I'D.
on a center aisle, - u 1cssss directly
to the bench. On ne particular morn
ing in question stortg ? after the court
had convened boln swinging doors
were suddenly opened wide and man
with q very unsteady gait came reeling
down the aisle. When he had reached
a point directly in front of his honor, he
paused, struck an attitude, and shout
ed, "By Cd, judge, I'm boss. y
The judge, without moving a muscle
in hfs, placid countenance, turned to the
sheriff and said quietly. Mr.. Sheriff,
take this hess to his stable for four
davs y
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26

4 very queer man in the matter Of
dress was the late Duke of Portland.
His eccentric grace always, it appears,
ordered three frock coats to every suit.
When the weather was hot, be wore
one only. when it was a little less hot
two, and when it was cool all three.
Besides these, he always kept three
greatcoats in wear, so that when win
ter came on he wore three frock coats
and one creatcoat, as it advanced three
frock coats and two greataoats, while,
when there was real fsoat, he turned
out in all the six -LoBdon Correspoud-
ence.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
THE CHESS PLAYERS.


The clock unheeded, reals the midnight hour
The house is mute, the light is waxing dim.
Whose Is the wand and whence the magic
power
That these has smitten with enohantmeni
grim2
The pyCmy fFures on the painted squares
Silent as clustered friars on their knees
Whom Ceath transmutes 20 marble at theiI
prayers
Seem nos more stiff and s:atuelile than these.
With hearts Of champions charging in The lists,
Whose lances cTumble as they crash and fall;
With nerves Of boxers pounding with their
fists;
There is no movement. 1t is senblance all
Save that at intervals hard outstretched
Beckons a charge or signals a Tetrest,
Or from the Depths whence plots malign are
fetched,
Issues the interdict that seals defeat
The rlinnics battle hrs been. lost and won
Tie spacious NJ b sl81enlEeEs to e span;
The world is lifted frcIn oblivion,
And each automaton becomes a man.
Edward u. Pomeroy in YOUTH Companiol
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
A SINGING WELL.
One of Natures P-zzles That Is LO-
Gated "a Texas.

cEiCh al ic&sS.
About three miles west CT C-l,ar
Bayou, Harris county, Tex, is a re-
marhable we'll. Wien it was ding, no
one can tell, but 1t has been in exist
ence for more than so years. The we'll
is known as the singing well.
In calm. fine weather sound like
that of an Eolian harp comes upward
between the tangles Of vines below.
At times the sound seems nearer
and clearer. Then again it r1cedes, as
if far away, AID reaches the ear very
family. These changes take place every
few minutes, and with great regularity.
With an east wind blowing the wa
ter III the well gets very low and the
mysterious musical sound very faint A
Strong West wind seaasess 4lles water 20
rise and the sound TO iDesesse in vsSl Jag
and Clearness.
But it is just before great norther
that the cid well plays its widest
pranks Then for several hours the wa
ter rises to within a few feet Of the top
of the well and emi,s tuc weirGest,
widest noises that ever reached human
ears. At such times even the water
drawn out with buckets i1oans ami
walls as if i'll anguish.
Tie we'll is about 60 feet deep. A
few years ago the land on which it IS
located was bought by : dr. Watkins,
who, not liking the sounds tEGt came
from the we'll, employed two men to
fill it up. They shoveied dirt into the
well two weeks, but it did not affect
the depth Of water perc2ptibly, and
they threw up the contract. From tie
measurements Of the excavations they
had made it has been calculated that
the we'll should have been filed up
little more than twice.
The water is very clear, with blush
tint, and is fairly palatable. 10 other
wells in the neighborhood show sucn
pranks as are played by the "singing
well. Fort Worth (Tez.) Cor. Chi
cago Inter Ocean.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
How to Get Fat,

Ibid you hear about the woman in
Dunkirk?" asked the kid as he rolled a
cigarette.
Ono. What about herr
why, she sent half dollar TO q
firm III Boston that promised for that
sum to send a recipe on how TO get fat
Two days afterward she received a
postal card which read, Buy it of the
butcher. Buffalo News.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
BOUND TO BE RIGHT.
She Didn't Argue When In tbs
Wrong, Bat

She Didn't Argue when In the
Wrong. Bat
Its sorry Oi aal to see yez gcin So
soon," remarked Mrs McSEantee, as
her guest, Mrs. McSquatter, arose to
leave, "but as ye 80 through Mis-
Mickey MoyIan's yar-uI wud SO DO me-
a favor"
"Wid pleasure Oh wull. " responded
Mrs. McSquatter, leader Of the Gcat-
vile Four Hundred "Sure, l thort.
bein such near neigEbors, ye al tn
Moylaus wud be unfri indy"
They're not at home tn day, " ex-
plained Mrs. McShantee, IAN it isn't
tn Moylans Oh want to see" sbe added
with suppressed emotion. This maru-
in Mrs. Moylan gave me ballyhoo wild
her voil tongue because moy chickens
scratched up her yarrud."
"Phwy didn't ye soilence her?'
"Suro wasn't she in tn roight: iioy
chickens had no call il her yarrud, an
phwat cud Oi 90 bgt stband ea take
phwat she said. It's meek enough Ui
am, Mrs. McSquatter, when Oil in
th' wrong Yell niver foiui RE makiG
throuble widout Oi have tH' roiSat Tn
moy sold. Seer"
"Phwat is it ye want me TO ID &c
pass through Mrs. MoylGn's ya;IudE'
asked Mrs. McSQuatter with IA pazZi-l
air.
"Oi want ye ter open tn kitchen
door an let their billygOat oGt They
locked him in phwin they WHIT Go'n
town"
"Sure Oi will that
"Thankee, Mrs. McSquatter; it's a
good fri nd ye are. Itwont lie long be-
fore that billy goat6ets over into this
Iarrud, an thin whiD Mrs. Moy Ian
ccomes home-hiven hilp 'er. Ne -
YORK Weekly.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
II Made Her Blue.

The bride was showing her wedding
presents with great delight, but when
her ylsitor paused before a fine etching
of The Augelus" her face fell.
"Hog beautifnlr' was the ezcIama-
tion.
"Yes, I the bride responded, "but it
is go sadlI II it hadn't been given to
Henry by his favozite uncle, ! shoGld
propose hAving it taken oct and some
thing else, put inta the frame. The
frame is loRely! Ep. it makes me blue
-, :3;syss .s,,,gz u 5a picture. IT, IT,
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26

puEctQres.
fssstfogS ssss Srsf =. II sa3 IitfsF-aFTrca


Ts..slogsrfFs.. Fsai FfsF-afurcq
The bad reads name is mud -
a hectic flush is haTd thing to win
on.
Two short rides beat one that is TOO
long.
A reckless coaster makes q glad IN
dertaker
Unless you sit Up right you oannot
rico urriehtly.
There is quito a difference between
bonds and vagabonGs
GoCt end q well used cycle cannot
dwell IN tie same house
The motor carriage seems bouLI to
be a success. So mote it be
Our dislike for others is often born Of
our oTl UnwoTthiress.
A thief III Hoboken stole suit CT
clothes aud then had Gt.--L. A "
Bulletin
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
Polite.

Elderly Passenger-Here. miss. take
this seat.
Stout Young Woman-Ob, | could
not think Of Gepriviug an old mean
l couid not think Of derriving you.
lyon 90 ahead and take and don't
argue know you fat girIs always has
lame feet. Indianapolis journal.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
similar AccompIfshmepts.

LuoiIIe-They tell me this young
Poe, who made the remarkable run in
the football gameat Princeton, is q reIa-
tive Of the poet Poe.
Leroy-Yes; | EeliFe so. To knew
just how to use the feet seems to run in
the Poe family. Yonkers Statesman.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
Had Other Cb.uces.

81 wouldn't have refused that young
dan if I'd been yen" said maiden
aunt to her young and frisky niece.
81 don't think | would either if I'd
been you," reIOrted the saucy maiden.
-Harper's Bazaar.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
Dikcnrd In the Band.

"The trouble with you, said the
flute to the cornet, ''is that you never
do anything except when you ara On a
toot. -
''Well, at least, :" replied the cornet,
they do not have to beat me to make
me DO my duty "-Philadelphia North
American.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
VIII HObS0nize II.

Bills that so that Hobson is going
to raise the Merrinac?
Jill-Yes, and is going to rename
her
"What will she be called?''
1.-THE Merry Smack, i believe -
Yonkers Statesman.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26
A ShaPp Pointer.

"Say, Bessie, dear, couldn't you
quietly induce your father to get his
shoes in styIe?''
"WhyP'
$50 that the next time I'm invited
out that way it won't be with razor
toe. "-Detroit Free Press.
The Natchitoches enterprise. (Natchitoches, La.) 1888-1965, 1899-01-26

,nat poor young couple live just tur-
led their little baby-their frstborn,
likely-oh, can't bear to see it'll"
Aud the bride wiped away tear
Brooklyn Lifa. y
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1899-11-02
PARK Ave. Entertainments.

The remaining four attractions can
be had by course ticket for $1.25.
There will be no opportunity after the
next number of securing admission for
less that so cents each time. The
next number is a lecture by DR.. John
P. D. John, ''Did Man Make God or
Did God Make MANI" an answer to
Ingerso11.
The third is the Lyric Ladies of Chi
cago with Gertrude Sprague in second
alto. The fourth will be Elias Day,
famous characterize and impersonator
who entertained 100 nights in Chicago
year before last, and the last is Marc,
the magician.
Since there are only forty opera
chairs remaining untaken by course
ticket, it may be that none but holders
of course tickets can secure admit
tance to these popular attractions. In
order to fill the house with course
tickets the remainder of the course is
offered at $1.25.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1899-11-02
Resolutions of Respect.

The following resolutions were pass
ed by the Brick1ayers and Stone Ma
sons union No. 1, of the B. & M. l.
u, of Kenosha, Wis, October IS:
Whereas. The great and supreme
Ruler of the universe, has in his infin-
ite wisdom removed from among us our
worthy and esteemed fellow mason,
Dennis Langin;
Resolved, That the wisdom and
ability which he has exercised in the
aid of our organization by service, con-
tributions and counsel, makes it emf
nent1y BETTING that we record our
appreciation of him.
Resolved, That the removal of such
a life from among our midst leaves a
vacancy that will be deeply realized by
all the members and friends Of the
organization and will prove a serious
loss to the community and the ub1ic.
Resolved, That with deep sympathy
to the bereaved relatives of the deceas-
ed, we express the hope that even so
great a loss to us all may be overru1ed
for good by Him who doth all things
well.
Resolved, that copy of these reso-
1utions be spread on the records of this
organization and copy printed in the
daily papers.
D. B. Cox,
DAVID VAUGHN,
J. w. FULLY,
49, -. n.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1899-11-02
PROFESSOR scHuRMAN.

General Bates. The arrangement en-
tered into between Gen. Bates and the
sultan was considerably Influenced by
this meeting. Although the full text of
the agreement with the sultan has
not been made public by the Wash
ington authorities it can be stated that
it practically conforms to the previous
convention existing between the sultan
and Spanish government.
Relation of Spain to the Islands.
In this agreement Spain never
claimed anything more than an ex-
ternal protectorate in the Sulu group,
the right to suppress piracy in it's
waters and to prevent the periodic
migrations of oath-bOund MOham-
medans who went to the northern isl
ands under a VOW to kill Christians
and thus secure an entrance into para
disc. Professor Schurman said yester-
day when questioned about the prob
able continuance of pOlygamy and
slavery in the islands after they came
under the American dominion that this
was a subject which would have to be
dealt with in the most careful fashion
to bring an ultimately satisfactory
solution.
Our Own Rights in the Group.
cit seems to me-" said he, chat were
it not for the ignorance displayed the
present hue and cry about pOlygamy
and slavery in these islands would be
absolutely criminal. In taking over
the Sulu group we have acquired no
rights of any sort there except those
beQueathed us by Spain. She was
bound by her agreement with the sui
tan not to interfere with the religion
or customs of the islands, and it would
be most unwise for us to attempt this
by force when it can be ultimately ac-
complished by the slower method Of
civilization and education. The Sulu
group proper contains about 100000
inhabitants. They are all Moham-
medans, as are about 100000 of the
residents of Mindanao directly east.
To attempt to interfere with the re-
ligion of these people would precipitate
one of the bloodiest wars in which
this country has ever been engaged.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1899-11-02
THE NEW HEATING PLANT.
Manager schott Gives Some Facts in Re-
gard to the New Plant
Crowded out of yesterdays issue1


Crowded out of yesterdays issue1
No doubt many readers will be inter
ested to know the magnitude of the hot
water heating system just installed in
our city by the Kenosha Light & Power
Company.
The amount of work accomplished
in the last eight weeks usually takes
about five months to install. The
company have laid over thirty thous-
and feet of pipe, equipped and con-
nected about twenty residences and
business houses in addition to install
ing all of the station apparatus.
The equipment used at the Power
house consists of pumps, surface con-
densers, expansion and storage tanks,
air conpressors and boilers.
The first work of the system is the
handling of the water. This is &C
comp1ished by means of large pumps,
two being placed, each having Capac-
ity of two million gallons each in
twenty-four hours, and either pump
being large enough to handle the max
imum capacity of the plant when it is
loaded with two hundred and fifty
houses. The pump takes the water
from the mains and forces the water
through two surface condensers, the
steam is turned into these condensers
and thereby heats the water when
passing through The water is then
forced out through the system. After
the water passes through the radiation
and has accomplished it's work of heat
to be heated again.
The plant is complete in every re-
spect, as a number of combinations
have been made to guard against a
possible breakdown. The water can
be heated by the steam used by the
pumps, also by the steam from the
engines. Live steam can be turned in,
and in case of no steam being gener-
ated, the water can be pumped through
the boiler and the heat transmitted d1-
reCtly from the coal to the water. The
use of the air compressor Isl for the
purpose of furnishing compressed air
for the purpose of opening and closing
the diaphramed valve placed in each
residence. The air is turned on and
off of this valve by means of d thermo-
stat; this thern1ostat E1aainta1n1ng a
uniform temperature in all cases.
Kenosha stands today 'asI one out of
thirteen using the hot watera system
for heating. And one out fsthe two
in the State of Wisconsin.
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1899-11-02

gamy is a part of their religion, and
slavery about which so much is beiTG
said just now is mild type of feudaI
bondage. The sultan believes from
what he has seen of Americans that
they are ready to be friendly and deal
honestly by him. Our soldiers and Off
GERS already travel into the interior Of
Jolo with perfect impunity where
Spaniards have never dared to set
foot.
''It has been suggested indirectly to
the sultan that he should maintain an
American of good standing as a conf
Dental adviser at his court to aid him
in the work of material development
for which the beautiful group of ISL
ands is ready, and which is bound to
come when they are thrown in touch
with the civilized world. [ believe
that he will take kindly to this sug-
gestion, and the leaven of civilization
introduced in this way ultimately will
do the work which armed interference
with immemorial religious customs
never could accomplish.
eve have before us in this case the
example of England in her various
possessions, and of the Dutch in Java,
where a remarkable work of civiliza-
ton and progress has been accom-
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1899-11-02
Somers.

George Leet met with a serious acct
dent Monday while hauling a load of
cabbage to the station. He was driv-
ING a three horse team, and was riding
with his feet over the front end of the
wagon, when one of the horses kicked,
striking his knee and grinding the
cap to a powder. He continued his
Journey to the village without rea1iz-
ing his severe in jury. He was carried
to his home by w. J. Rhodes, and DIR.
Valentine and DIR. S. G. BuChan, of
Racine, were called to attend him. Mr..
Leet is resting very comfortably.
Mrs. Harry Bassenda1e, nee Matte
Lauer, is visiting friends here. Mrs.
Bassenda1e will leave for southwestern
Idaho in a short time, where they will
make their future home. Her husband
started with their car last week.
Miss Wi1more, of Union Grove,
visited the Misses .Longmore over
Sunday.
Rev Henry Brown and wife drove to
Lake Geneva last week, where they
are visiting their daughter, Mrs.
Clifford Arnold.
John Ozanne and wife, of Kenosha,
visited at the home of Peter OZanne
last Wednesday.
John and Leslie Mainland, of Ra-
cine, spent Wednesday at their fathers
Mrs. James McArd1e is very i'll at
her home in the village. In the alb
senCe of DIR. Valentine a physician
from Union Grove was called.
Mr.. Wootten, of Downer's Grove,
Iii, spent Wednesday at Joseph
Bishops.
Lulu Cook and Minnie Estberg are
visiting Mrs. L. r. Fink at Forest
Glen, III.
Prof. David Gibbon, of Oshkosh,
who has been very i'll for some time, is
at his mothers.
~. Collier, of Union Grove, was in
Somers one day this week.
Mrs. Valentine, who has been i'll at
the home of her parents at Western
Union Junction, is reported to be
better.
The cabbage men are busy this week
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1899-11-02
NEWS FACTS IN OUTLINE.

Gavin Brown Clark, M. p, anti-war
man, has been asked to resign by his
constituents.
The new administration building at
Sing Sing prison built by convict labor,
burned. Loss, $4,000.
Mrs. Langtry and her husband, Hugo
de Battle, have separated. The latter
is said to have been jealous.
While drunk Charles Williams at
tempted to kill his wife and father-in-
law, William Geddus, at Manning,
Wis.
Alonzo Russell, leading citizen Of
Fall River Wis, was fatally stricken
with paralysis during a fire in that vii
lage.
The steamer Bertha has arrived at
San Francisco from Cape Nome with
$50 passengers and $2,500,000 in gold
nuggets.
Albina Kassella, age % years, Of
Weyerhauser, Wis, was taken with a
fit and fell into pond Of water and
was drowned.
Thieves broke into the saloon of An
ton Jacobsen, at Chicago, and got ST.
600 from the safe by blowing it open
with nitro-glycerine.
Two poorly dressed men were found
dead in a room at the Hotel Gaynor,
Chicago. The room was filed with
gas from an open jet.
Liabilities amounting to $248,909 are
scheduled in thepetition in bankruptcy
of Frederick T. Biscoff, president of
the Statler-B ischoff company, tubing
makers, Chicago.
The French senate high court corr
mission has voted to dismiss the charge
of high treason against Paul Deroulede
and has modified the charge of con-
spiracy.
]. J. Geraghty and his dog fought
for their lives with hundreds Of musk
rats in the Calumet marshes near Chi
cago. The dog was killed and Geraghty
was rescued.
Enactment of the gold standard into
law and reform of the banking cur
rency laws so as to give the country
a more elastic bank note currency will
be the leading recommendationscf Sec
retary Cages annual report. -
The Telegraph-courier. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1888-1946, 1899-11-02

The most complete, the simplest and best
illustrated book of the kind is the Peoples
Common Sense Medical Adviser written
by that famous and successful Buffalo,
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been many years and is to-day treating and
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This book has been termed the Bible of
the Body, because it is to the body or
physical man what the Bible is to the soul
or spiritual man. shedding light and reveal
ing truth. It tells people in every day
language how diseases are developed, what
the symptoms are and how they can be
cured. It's pictures show the appearance
of all organs, muscles and nerves of men
and women. 1t treats upon every phase
and complication Of disease. The infor-
nation in this book has been gathered by
DR.. Pierce in his worldwide practice, and
is founded upon actual experience not
upon theory. More than /, 200, 900 Ameri-
can homes contain copies of this book.
Formerly it sold for 81. so a copy. Now it
is free. Send 2I one-ccnt stamps to DR..
R V. Pierce, Buffalo, n. Y, to pay the cost
Of mailing only, and he will send you a
copy of this 1oo8-page doctor book, bound
in paper-Covers. If you prefer cloth
bound copy, send 81 stamps.
Mrs. R. P Monfort, Of Lebanon, Warren Co.,
Ohio, writes: 81 drop you line to let you
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