Manchester Democrat. [volume] (Manchester, Iowa) 1875-1930, 1899-08-02
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Freddle-Say, dad, why are there no
marriages in heaven? Henpecker-Be.
cause it's heaven.-Town Topics.
Flim-What's your business? Flam
-Contractor. Film What line? Flam
-Debts.-Town Topics.
Teacher-Willle, where is the capital
Of the United States? Willie Todate-
In the trusts.-Town Topics.
And 1.-the of limb: Trayeler-Are the
mosquitoes thick around here? Sub
urbanite-No; long and slim.-Life.
Briggs-Tve got splendid story to
tell at the club dinner tonight. Griggs
which one is it?-Detroit Free Press.
Yes, poor Mrs. Gabber died an I'M
speakably hard death" What killed
herT "Lockjaw."- philadelphia Bull
letin.
Doesn't it cost you a good deal to
run this yacht, old MANI" Yes; but
my wife can't spend cent when she's
here."-Life.
Tenant-But does the chimney al
ways smoke like this? Landlerd-Oh,
no! Only when there's fire In the
grate.-Exchange.
Editor-Did you write these jokes
yourself? Would-be Contributor-Yes
sir. Editor-You must be older than
you ook.-Criterion.
The little dressmaker who was walk.
Ing across a field, on encountering a
bull, said she guessed she'd better cut
bias to avoid gore.-Bazar.
Good Man-Do you know where little
boys go who smoke cigarettes? Bad
Boy-Yep! Dey goes out in de wood
shed.-Chicago News.
squff-The cycle is superseding the
horse everywhere. Biff-Yes; l found
piece Of pneumatic tire In my susage
this morning.-Tit-Bit
my curiosity is running away with
me-" said the farmer, when his two
headed calf broke loose and lowed
him around the barnyard.-Ex.
Did that woman give any reason for
attempting suicide?" Eyes, yer honor"
What was it?" "she says she wanted
to kill herself. Chicago Record.
Jaggles-"He's the greatest living
authority on ratlesnakes. Waggles-
That isn't saying much; most Of the
authorities don't live long.-Puck.
Orator-No. gentlemen;I tell you that
If you want thing to be done well,
you must always do it yourself. Voice
from the crowd - How about getting
your hair cut?-Ex.
Mamma tat the breakfast table)-You
always ought to use your napkin,
George. Georgie-I am usin' 1t, nam
ma; I've got the dog tied to the leg of
the table with ityEx.
Smith-What! Are you learning to
fence, Jones? Jones-Yes; you see I'm
going to peace conference, and It's
Just as well to be prepared.-Boston
Globe.
Mrs Lash-What did you get baby
for birthday present? Mrs. Rash-I
took $40 out Of the little darling's bank
and bought him this lovely lamp for the
drawing -room.-Ti Bits.
AT the Royal Academy his portrait
makes her look prettier than she did
when met her, JaneW "Of course,
ma, the artist paints SO much better
than she does."-Pick- Me-Up.
Attorney (sternly)-The witness will
please state if the prisoner was in the
habit of whistling when alone. Witness
Il don't know; was never with the
prisoner when he was alone.-Ex.
Amy reading)-H He gave her jew
eled NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. do you pro-
nounce that, Uncle Isaac? Uncle
Isaac (grufiy)-I pronounce 1t down
right oolishness.-Jeweler's Weekly. <
II thought" said the disappointed
friend, "you told me this election was
going to be walkover." ''Well," an
swered the former candidate, at was.
was the doorstep -Washingto Star.
In Boston: How much are these
string beans" "seventy-tive cents q
quart" Isn't that rather altitudin-
ous?" "Yes, madam, but these are
very highstrung beans."-Yale Record.
II don't know why you should say
that empty house is haunted" why,
don't you see those ancient window
curtalns?' Yes, but well.
aren't they the shades of the depart
ed?'-Boston Post.
Wayfarer ito the robber)-I haven't
any money with me, I'm sorry to say,
but will be glad to advise all my
friends and acquaintances to take
walks along this lonely path hereafter.
--Fliegende Blaetter.
Johnnie-What is hereto, pat
Father-A hereto, my son, is a person
who has wrong beliefs. Johnnie-Then
If ma believed what you tell her when
you come home late, would she be q
heretic?-New York Journal.
Widow Farley Do We moind the
beautiful bokay Mr.. Googan PRESENTED
me this mawnin'? All, the poor mon!
His wolfe died jlst tin days ago. Widow
Murphy = Begorra, they kipt well,
didn't hey.-Harper's Weekly.
"These are this years pecans, are
they?" Eyes, sir" How much are
they?" "Six cents pound" How
much are those in the next barrel2"
"Sell you those for Is cents pound"
"They look just like the others. What
makes them so much higher?' They're
they're next years pecans. slr."-E1.
Little Ethel, aged o. accompanied her
grandmother to church one Sabbath
morning, and when the contribution
plate came around she dropped in the