Mesa free press., 1899-06-23

The bride-I don't want to have any
trouble with you, Bridget. The cook
Then, bedad, ma'am, let me hear no
complaints Life.
Dash-Don't you think Miss Sweetly
sings with a great deal Of feeling to-
night? Smash-Yes; she must be feel
ing pretty bad.-Judge.
Johnny, did you take your cough
medicine regularly in school, as 1 told
your" Nom; Johnny Budds liked it,
an he gimme an apple for it."
Miss Fox-Papa, why does young
man give his fiancee diamond ring?
Mr.. Fox-Oh, that's the forfeit he puts
up to insure fight.-Jeweler's Weekly.
Two next-door neighbors quarreled,
and one of them exclaimed, excitedly:
"Call yourself a man of sense! Why.
you're next door to an idiotp'-Ex-
change.
What time did the hotel catch firc?"
Midnight" Everybody get out safe
lyY' "All except the night-watchman.
We couldn't wake him up in time."-
Boston Traveller.
"Was that sleight-of-hand mans ex-
hibition successful, Mudge?" 81 think
so; | lent him a counterfeit silver dol
lar, and he gave me back good one."
Detroit Free Press.
1nquirer-"When is the next train to
Leamingtonw StatiOn-master - AT
II O'Clock, sir" Inquirer-.What. isn't
there one before that?" Station-master
NO, sir; we never run one before the
next. "-Tit-Bits.
Miss Gay-This bathing suit is out of
date, and don't think mamma ought
to allow me to wear it any longer. Miss
Primm-Well, if 1 were your mamma
should insist upon you wearing it
very much longer.
Parson Featherly-De Lawd hab took
yo' husban' an lef' yo' wild six chilluns:
but 'membah, sistah, dat dar's some
good III all de Lawd oes." 81 does, pah-
son. | realizes dat dars one less fob
me to perwide foh." Life.
Bass-I got some eggs of Mrs. Fowl
er for fifteen cents Dozen l praised
her baby, you know. Fogg That's
nothing. I bought some of Fowler
himself for twelve and a half cents.
| spoke in admiration of his dog.
That's fine, solid baby of yours.
Middleton" said a friend who was adj
miring the first baby. do you think
he's solid?' asked Middleton, rather
#disconsolately; sit seems TO me as il
he were all holler. Stray Stories
II am glad to say" remarked Mr..
Meekton, "that l never spoke hasty
word to you" mo, Leonidas," answer
ed his wife, rather gently, I'm willing
to give you credit for not hurrying
about anything. Washington Star.
Van Twiller-"I dreamed that COM
mitted suicide last night ON your ac-
count" Miss Oldun (gushing)-"He!
he!-er-hadn't you better to speak to
mommer about it?" Van Twiller-
'Oh, l wouldn't dream of that!-
Judge.
Husband (handing his wife some
money! There, dear, is ten pounds for
our birthday party expenses, and it has
bothered me a little to get it for you.
think | deserve little applause. Wife
Applause? You deserve an encore,
my dear!
Ingenious, but precise: care you the
defendant in this caseY' asked the
Judge, sharply. "No, suh," answered
the mild-eyed prisoner; Il has law
yer hired ter do de defendln'. rs de
man dat done stole de ahticies."-
Washington Star.
Village cousin Showing his city rela-
tive around the hamlet-That fellow
lounging over there has just completed
tabletop composed of 4,763 separate
pieces of wood. City cousin-W What did
he do that for? Village cousin-Oh,
just to keep from working.
do you think it proper said the
man who was trying to keep his tenn
per, 'to laugh at man who slips on
banana peel by accident?" "Well," re-
piled the spectator, apologetically, 81
laughed by accident, too. l didn't
think of such thing until saw YOU"
What to Eat.
"And you say the idiot of teacher
told you that you had an extravagant
fool of a father?" "That's what he
meant" ''But what did he say?" HE
said it was criminal folly to waste
money on the education of such
chump as m."-Cleveland Plain
Dealer.
81 see," remarked Dedbroke, that
you advertise an up-to-date boarding
house. 1 suppose that refers to the
service and appointments" "No, in
Decd" replied the landla.ly; ''that re-
fers exclusively to the Doarders.
don't keep any one who gets behind"
Philadelphia Record.
'You are all right" said the doctor
after he had gone through with the
regulation humping and listening with
his patient mot trace Of heart dis
ease. Fifteen dollars, please" The
!.