davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26

"Why do you refer to him as an old
gum"
because he is smooth bore."-Chi-
cagQ Post.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
His Opinion of ]

We'll, this is pretty howdy-do." re-
marked Uncle Allen Sparks, the first time
he experienced the high handshake.-Chi-
cago Tribune
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
Tough Luck.

Madam, it is my painful duty to in
form you that your husband has been
eaten by bear.'
That's too bad; he had on his best
clothes."-N. Y. World.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
The Cheerful Idiot.

."When the autocar comes into gen
eral use," said the cheerful idiot, II
want to know what is to become of the
teanling millions:" = Indianapolis
IOurnal
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
Mars Through Telescope,

The largest telescope in existence
does not make the planet Mars appear
any bigger than the moon does through
an opera glass.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
Friendly Badinage.

Mike-Well, anyway, I kin fatter me-
silf that was nivver so droonk that I
didn't know what was doin'."
Pat-An' be the same token, We war
nivver SO sober that ye Richmond
Dispatch.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
He Might.

Mrs. Nagger-Well, if you hadn't
married me you might have done
worse.
Nagger-That's so; I might have
married your mother.-Town Topics,
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
Objects of Interes

.Stranger-What are the principal objects
of interest in this town?
Citizen-Savings bank deposits.-Metro-
politan.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
The Cashiers Mistake.

Bank President-Great joke on our
cashier.
Stockholder-Whati is it?
Bank President-He made a mistake
and carried off the liabilities instead of
the assets when he skipped to Canada
n. Y. Journal.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26

The bad language of the eyes is the same
the world over.-Town Topics.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
No Serious Damage Don,

No Serious Damage Done.
Awkward Miss with an umbrella BEG
pardon!
Polite Gentleman-Don't mention it. l
have another eye left.-Stray Stories.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
THE INsINUATOR.

Carrie should get him to sign
the pledge when you marry.
Edyth-Why, he doesn't drink.
Carrie-No; but he may be tempted
to do so later.-N. Y. Times.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26

Spain might have known if she made war
against a flag bearing l3 stripes something
would happen.-L. A. w. Bulletin.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26

Some poets are always amusing, but not
necessarily funny-Chicago Daily News.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
Expert Criticism.

EApeFt CFltAc1s".
God made the country" but the men
Who handle bills and paste
Appear to think there was lack
OF decorative taste.
Brooklyn Life.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
Revised History.

"Grandpop," he began, turning the
leaves of his book, ''did your history
used to say that the Spaniards settled
this country?'
II believe it did, my boy?"
well, the new ones won't say that .
"What will they say, Ostend?"
"This country settled the Spaniards."
Then grandpop gave him a dime
Brooklyn Life.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
Appreciative.

A woman with q newspaper,
Soon as she spreads 1t open, then
How eagerly does she refer
To marriage notices! To her
They seem good jokes against the men.
Judge
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
Changed. ...
She used to be so dainty,
Ere she became his wife;
To-day she sits before him
And eats things with her knife.
Chicago Daily News.
ECONOMY, NOT ATHLETICS.

''Why are you taking such violent
exercise?"
''Just reducing my weight little,
SOS l can wear last years clothes."-
Chicago Inter Ocean.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
The Only One,

Jackson-Penwellist the most remark
able literary man know.
Johnson-Oh, he writes good stories,
but there's nothing remarkable in that
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
Willie-Say, gimme nickel or I'll
make me little brother recitc a piece to
you.-N. Y. Journal.
Homogeneous.

The saddest thing in fashions swirl
Is this, as each one knows:
To see fifty dollar girl
In one hundred dollar clothes.
Brooklyn Life.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26

II say, Charlie, wish me luck; I'm 60
ing to propose to that girl tonight"
II wouldn't, old chap; she's bound
to turn up her nose at you" - Ally
Sloper.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26

Germany supplies 20 per cent. of the
worlds consumption of dyestuffs from
coal tar.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26

Songs about the Klondike should be writ
ten in a miner" key.-L. A. w. Bulletin
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
The Heathen Chinee.

Tie de0tAen Ch1uces
Mrs. De Fashion-What perfectly
horrible creatures the Chinese are! !
am told that in China the men actually
buy their wives.
Mrs. De Style-Yes, isn't it horrible?
By the way, when is your daughter to
marry Mr.. Bullion?
Mrs. De Fashion-Just as soon as he
RECEIVERS from this last attack of govt
N. Y. Weekly.
Might Have known 1t.
$50 that is the beautiful Mrs. Harkins
you have been telling me about? Well,
I can't say that think she had much of
an eye for coed looks when she picked
out her husband. He is about as home
ly as"
"That isn't her husband. Can't you
see that he is carrying her bundle" pr
Chicago Daily News.
Williston graphic. (Williston, Williams County, N.D.) 1895-1919, 1899-05-26
COntentnlen emit.

COntentment.
He sought Contentment with feverish
Zest,
Nor stopped at all to take the slightest rest
Until he gave it up, his steps retraced,
And found behind him that which he had
chased.
Town Topics.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
RADICAL CHANGES.
British Government Replaces Butler Wit
Roberts and Kitchener.

London, Dec. 1S.-Shortly before
midnight the following notice was post
ed at the war office:
..As the campaign in Natal, in the
opinion of her majesty's government,
is likely to require the presence and
undivided attention of General Sir Red
yers Butler. II has been decided TO send
Baron Roberts of Candahar and Wat
erford as commander-in-chief in South
Africa, with Lord Kitchener es chief
of staff"
Upon the receipt of General Buffers
defeat at Colenso. the defense commit
tee of the cabinet met and decided on
the following measures to strengthen
the field force in South Africa:
The Seventh division. now moboliz-
ing. will proceed at once to South At
rica. Heavy reinforcements of artil-
lery, including three Howitzer batter
les, will be sent out Immediately.
General Roberts has been authorized
to raise local mounted corps in South
Africa, and considerable mounted
force from home will be sent out. Nine
battalions of militia. in addition to the
three which have already volunteered,
will be asked to volunteer for foreign.
A special force of volunteers from
the yeomanry and volunteer regiments
will be formed for South African ser
vice, and the offers of mounted men
from the colonies will be accepted.
These measures should give the Brit
tsh $4,000 more men for service against
the Beers. This, including the loyal
Cape and Natal forces, will give the
British 5000 additional troops. Thus,
the British strength in the field will be
almost doubled. The newer leyies will
be used mainly to guard the long lines
Of communication, thus setting free
regular trained troops for the front.
Officers, men. arms, ammunition and
stores are to be poured across the
ocean in volume Unprecedented in
history. The work thus entailed is TO
be placed in new hands, and a new
plan of campaign will be evolved. 1t
is now known that Sir Michael Hishs-
Beach, chancellor of the exchequer. de-
clined to grant the money necessary for
the first war preparations, and heavy
blame is being put on him now.
1t is said that at the same time Lord
Roberts received notice of his appoint
ment as commandcr-in-chief in Africa,
message came saying that his only son
had died of wounds received at Tu-
gela river. Bowed with grief. the stern
old soldier. who now lives in Dublin.
as commander of Ireland. began max
ing imemdiate preparations to go to
the front. General Kitchener is in
Cairo. governor general of the Soudan,
but will resign from the Egyptian ser
vice at once. General Butler will re-
main In command of the Natal army.
General Butler reports TO the war of
flee that his losses in Fridays engage
ment We're: Killed. 50: wounded, GGI;
missing, 3iS; total, 1907.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
RATES GOING UP

Railroads Want a Chunk of Prosperity.
Chicago, Dec. 1S.-The Chronicle to-
day says:
One of the most radical and general
advances ever made in freight rates
will go into effect on all the railroads
east and west of Chicago January 1st.
Thousands of articles of every day con-
sumption will be affected and the in
crease will average 30 and 40 per cent.
the jump on many articles reaching 80
per cent. The contemplated action has
aroused the shipping interests of the
country.
The shippers say that If the carry
ing charges are increased to the eX
tent announced by the railroads it will
have the effect of increasing retail
prices in every line of trade.
Sugar, soap, coffee, flour, coal and
farm implements are few of the ar
ticles to be affected. On these as well
an on hundreds of other articles, the
increase will run from 20 to 40 per
cent The rate on coal, for example,
west of Chicago. will be pushed up to
25 cents a ton. Rates on cattle will be
advanced to % cents per 100 pounds,
hogs and sheep will go up from % to
30 cents and dressed meats to 40 cents
per 100 pounds. The tariff on hay will
be increased S1.10 per ton.
Chicago shippers are circulating petit
tlons asking the railroads to defer the
advances until April LIST to enable them
to catch up on their orders. Should the
railroads refuse. disastrous results to
manufacturers and wholesalers will,
it is claimed, be the consequence. Ship
pers in several jobbing centers talk of
appealing to the judiciary.
Officers of the railroads declare that
the advances are made necessary by
the increased cost of everything they
are compelled to buy from ties to en-
gines. They further aver that there is
no reason why the railroads should
continue quoting panic rates, while
merchants, manufacturers and others
are advancing prices.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
HAVE oursTRrPPEp MARcoNl.
Pittsburg Scientists Invent Receiver
1000 Times More Sentative Than His.

Pittsburg Scientists Invent a Receiver
1000 Times More Sensitive Than His.
Pittsburg, Dec 1S.-Bold researches
by Professor Reginald Fessenden and
his assistant, Professor Kitner, in the
electrical laboratory of the Western
University of Pennsylvania, have re-
suited in the production of a receiver
for wireless telegraphy that is two
thousand times more sensitive than
the co-called "Coherer" of the Marconi
system.
In speaking of the discovery to-day,
Professor Fessenden said:
although we have improved the re-
ceiver so that it is 1000 times as sensi-
tive as the original one, we realize that
we have not yet begun to see the limit.
Mnrconi, in his brilliant experiments.
has demonstrated that messages can
be sent over ninety miles. As our re-
ceiver is several hundred times more
sensitive, it Is clear that the messages
can be sent by our method very much
farther though just what the limit is
l would not say. 1t at least should be
possible to send messages across the
Atlantic with poles less than 200 feet
high. The ultimate distance must be
checked by actual experiment before
it becomes scientific fact in the strict
est sense"
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
PLAN TO SUPPLY SERVANTS.
Girls VIII lie Sent to HON ut Hour Rates
In Response to all by Wire.

Girls Will lie Sent to HON 3 ut Hour Rates
In Response to all by Wire.
The American district servant girl
has been invented in New York. The
consumer rings Il call and Il servant
ut once arrives and begins sweeping
the house or doing other work at the
rate of 20 cents an hour. The name OF
the concern that invented this plan Is
the Household Economical Association.
1t will begin supplying girls to custom
ers November 2Tth from what it calls
its wage carners' section
The servants who need work Will
study in the school of household arts
between calls. For Il small fee experts
will teach them how to cook. The
girls who join the wage-carners' sec
ton will receive life, accident and
sickness insurance policy. Three places
are guaranteed Il day to each American
district servant girl. The places must
be within easy walking distance.
Employees pay Il fee of 50 to join the
association, which gives them the right
to the service of one class of girls, such
as cooks. For each other call the en-
ployer must pay an additional fee of
81
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
Puerto Rico.

Three tours of the beautiful island
Of Puerto Rico are scheduled to leave
Chicago December 27, January 2s and
February 10. Special Pullman sleep
ers and dining cars will convey the
party to New York, thence on board
the splendid new steamships Ponce
and San Juan, through and around the
island by rail, automobile, carriage
and boat. Tickets include all ex-
penses everywhere. These select linn
tied parties will be under the special
escort Of Mr.. Walter Boyd Townsend,
under the management of The Amert-
can Tourist Association, Reau Camp
bell. general manager, 1923 Marquette
building, Chicago. Itineraries, maps
and tickets can be had on application
to the agents of the Chicago, Milwau-
kee & st. Paul Ry.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
The Mysteries of Spelling.

The proprietor of country shop once
worked himself nearly into n brain fever
endeavoring to make intelligible the fol-
lowing note given him by small boy,
the son of one of his customers:
''mistur Cream
"Wunt you let my boay hev n pair of
Easy toad shuz?'
However he was probably not moro
Mortified than the schoolmaster who re-
ceiyed q letter from a man who wrote:
"I have decided to inter my boy in your
scull."
The letter which one person wrote to an
editor, when disseminating his paper, con-
assertions:
1'I think foulks orient to spend their
mummy for payper, my dad didn't, and cv-
eryone said he was the intelligenist man
in the country and had the smartest fam
lily of boize that ever dug taters."-Ttt-
Bits.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
wna. Mad. the Admiral Weep

Thrice during the two days given to him
Dewey wept. First, when he was pre-
sented with the flag that once hoated over
Farragut Second, when, during the ma
val parade he loked from the Olympia
over the great assemblaSe of vessels
crowded with cheering men and women
time the profound character of the feel
ing which he had inspired. Several times
he raised his handkerchief to his eyes,
and the men who had known him for the
greater part of his career said they had
never before seen MIN so moved. Third.
when he suddenly came into view of the
900 school children on the great stand in
I'D street The children had grouped
themselves in blue letters fifteen feet
high, forming the word Dewey" on a
white ground. Led by Frank Damrosh.
they Joined in a mighty chorus as the pro.
cession passed. Dewey halted in front of
the stand and stood up. hat in hand, bow
ing mis- gratitude. For a few moments
he stood thus. bareheaded. the tears trick
ling down his face.-Gilson Willetts in
Leslie's Weekly.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22

In the American Journal of Science
Mr. Nudge says that while the present
mouth of the Grand river is at Grand
Hayen, on Lake Michigan, there is an
other point seventy miles inland from
the shores of Lake Michigan which
was the termination of the old river
valley and is therefore its mouth in
an interesting sense. He declares
that at one time a great glacial river,
three-fourths of a mile in width,
dowed across the peninsula from Lake
saginaw to Lake Chicago. Long ago
the sources of this glacial river
(Which has been called the Pewamo
outleD failed. and the wide valley,
with its record bearing deposits, was
laid bare to give up its secrets to the
lnQuisitive geologist. Mr.. Nudge de-
scribes its course and the river de-
posits about its old mouth.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
THE SALVATION ARMY
EXTENT OF ITS OPERATIONS.
In London Last Year General Booth E1-
pended s75O,OOO In Helping the Poor
Much Money Repaid.

Few people are aware of the large
business qualifications of the Salvation
Army. During the year 1888 in the
city of London alone General Booth
expended S7J0,OOO in maintaining es-
tablishments for the benefit Of the poor
and furnishing food and shelter for an
average of 1900 persons daily. In this
labor l .S32 persons were employed.
Among the institutions so supported
We're 10 "shclters" for the homeless;
~ homes for fallen women, u refugees
for discharged convicts, 2 homes for
waits and strays, 53 factories and
workshops, 43 labor bureaus, AZ bu-
reaus of Information, IL farm colonies,
3 homes for servants out Of employ
ment, hospitals, 2 poor mems law
yers" for the benefit of those who have
no money to pay for legal advice, and
one collection bureau, whose duty II
was to attempt to collect free OF cost
money owing to persons who applied
to the society for the assistance.
At the same time the Salvation Army
was almost self-supporting, and OF the
$750,0OO expended as described for the
benefit of the poor S641,O1 was repaid
by the people who were assisted.
In the United States last year the
Salvation Army maintained total of
121 institutions, including AZ shelters
for the unemployed, where 5,O73 per-
sons took refuge during the year; II
rescue homes for fallen women, with
800 inmates; . homes for lost children,
accommodating 60; II industrial de-
pets, employing an average of 342 per-
sons daily, s labor bureaus, inquiry
bureaus, poor mems lawyers" 1
collection bureau, / day nursery and
various other charitable institutions or
n similar sort. Besides this the Sal
walton Army has conducted Il large
printing office and several factories to
furnish labor for the unemployed.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
Bu.hwhack,ns Filipino. Ge. No Mercy

Washington, Dec. 16.-The Cabinet,
basing decision on reports from Otis.
to-day sent him orders that all bush
whacking insurgents taken in future
should be treated as brigands.
AS long as Filipinos keep up n show
of an army under discipline they will
be treated as prisoners of war, but
when taken in isolated bands they will
be shown no mercy.
The order is far-rcaching in effect,
for after General Otis makes another
proclamation for all those in rebellion
to lay down their arms any Filipino
thereafter captured in arms may be
subject to execution or Imprisonment,
at the discretion of the American gen-
eral.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22

Brave Bill Anthony. the marine
who reported the blowing up of the
Maine to Capt. Sigsbee. committed sui
eide in New York, owing to despond-
ency over his inability to find employ
ment- 1t is little to the credit OF the
great eastern metropolis, the city
which made so much noise and fan
faronade over the Homecoming of
Dewey, that plain and simple man
who had served his country nobly could
not gain livelihood within its bound
aries. "Bill' Anthony was unfortu-
nate in the selection of home. Had
he come to the west he would in all
probability have been alive and happy
today.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22

The head of large corporation says
that he is tired of having letters in
voiving thousands of dollars delayed
because his stenographer's feelings
were hurt by a reproof for tardiness.
The remark sheds light on the fact
that many corporations are supplant-
ing women by men employees. Too
many women have yet to learn that
business is business. not sentiment.
and that places are held. If not always
won, by business qualifications alone
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
Wage. Advanc, d for 1000.

Pittsburg. Pa, Dec. ia general
advance of 10 per cent. to the 1000 en-
ployes of the Bessemer steel depart
ment has been granted by the Jones &
Laughlin Iron and Steel Company, to
take effect in the 1st of January. Simi-
lar advances in all departments of the
big plant are practically assured when
the contracts for next year are signed.
This will affect 1000 men.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22

The B. & o. R. R. has just placed
an order for 43,500 tons of S5 pound
steel rail for delivery in 1900. The
contract price is about SO per ton or
81 per cent more than the Receivers
paid for rail during the time they had
charge of the property. or the total
amount just ordered the b. & o. proper
will get 26,000 tons. the B. & o. S. w.
12,500 the Pittsburg and Western
1000, and the Cleveland Terminal and
Valley 1000
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22
Texas X adjusts Taxcs.

Austin, Tex, Dec. 1S.-Governor
Sayres to-day gave to the press the ad-
vance copies of the state tax commits
sioner's report which will be submitted
to the special session of the Legisa-
ture next month. The report seeks to
readjust the entire taxation system of
the state and is rather severe on rail
roads, telegraph corporations, raising
tax assessments materially.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22

Hetty Green says no way has ever
been invented to prevent people from
throwing away their money 1t is
generally understood. however, that no
such invention would be of the slight
est use to Hetty,
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22

The editor of the Abilene (Texas)
Reporter wants the people there to
abolish the town COW" When this
is done will he propose chalk fac
tory?
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22

The study of the irrigation question
by the Office of Experiment Stations
Of the United States Department of
Agriculture is now being pursued by
the collation. and publication of in
formation regarding the actual status
Of irrigation in the arid regions as re-
CARDS laws, institutions, etc Since
few of the important streams used for
irrigation lie wholly within the limits
Of any one state, and there is a great
diversity Of irrigation laws in differ
ent states. interstate complications
over water rights have been frequent
and must become more and more
acute as the demand for water in
creases. unless some mode of settle
ment is devised. The departments in
4uiries into these questions have been
lnaugurated by a study OF the Bear
River Valley. The Bear river was
chosen for this purpose because in its
course of little over 300 miles it
crosses state lines (Wyoming, Idaho
and Utah) five times. finally emptying
INTO Salt lake, which is less than fifty
miles distant from It's source, thus
presenting in small compass a great
variety of interstate problems and
offering exceptional opportunities for
their study. Within 100 miles of Its
course the Bear river manages to cross
the western and southern boundaries
Of Wyoming four times. In its entire
course these boundary crossings di-
vide the stream into six sections.
bitches heading in each of these sec
lions are practically Independent of
Irrigation laws or the superior claims
Of appropriations of water below. So
Tar as practical results are concerned,
the state laws do not apply. 1t is
useless to determine priorities of
dltches wholly within the state when
later ones with head gates across the
border in Utah can not be closed, be-
cause the water commissioners au-
thority does not extend that far. The
same state of affairs exists along the
boundaries of other arid states.
The Springfield herald., 1899-12-22

The Washington Post says there will
doubtless be men who try the Sam
Jones business in other states. 1t is
hopeful that they Will at least try the
Sam Jones brand of honesty.