davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
CLEVER, BUT souLLEss.
One Woman's New Way In Which to
Pay Social Debts.


Pay Social Debts.
Il don't know much of the ways Of
fashionable people said young ply
stefan not long ago. for | am not in
society, but if many society women are
like one l know here in town | think
I'm safer to be out of it, 1t was not
this season, but it wasn't so long ago
but that plenty of people can remem-
Der the circumstances. | had among
my patients an elderly woman who
! lived with the daughters family. The
daughter lived, If not beyond her
means, at least up to the very edge,
went out great deal and was enter
tanned great deal.
THE mother fell sick with a COM
plant which knew would prove fatal.
/ did not inform the family till one
day the daughter asked me to tell her
frankly what her mothers condition
was and just how long she could live
l told her that the old lady could not
possibly last more than a fortnight.
She begged me not to let anybody
know how serious the case was. She
didn't want her young daughters dis
tressed, she said
''Of course told nobody, and just
week after that l read in the papers
that Mrs. Dash, the daughter of my dy-
ing patient, had sent out invitations
for large dancing party, to be given
on an evening a fortnight away. My
patient did not live as long as l had
expected. The day after she died
read in the papers that owing to the
sudden death of her mother Mrs. Dash
had been compelled to recall her invi-
tations.'
"She had never intended to give
ball. She could not have afforded it,
and she 'bluffed.' l have cold shivers
every time see her."-Cleveland Plain
Dealer ~
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
ARroken shoeatr1n.p.

''There goes man who may wish
before long that be had a good. sound
shoestring in his shoe" remarked a
man to friend as rather >slipshod
individual passed them On the street
The man referred to had a broken
ehoestring in one of his shoes, and the
other had been spiiced in several
places.
u am not talking from the point of
view of neatness." went ON the first
man. but on account Of an accident
that befen me recently. was about
to get off street car when the shoe
string in one of my shoes snapped. 1t
had been tightly laced. and the break.
occurring when it did. just rs i had
taken my hand from the rail, was
enough to make me lose my balance.
I fetimyseIf falling to the street There
was a trailer on the car. and was
pretty badly scared. as l thought that
stood a good chance Of getting a leg
under the wheels. Luckily | made a
final effort to straighten myself. and
got clear with nothing more than "a
painfully twisted ankle.
"A shoestring Is small thing. but
after that scare l determined that j
would always have good one in my
shoe. "-Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
AN EXCITING LIFE.
why the Chicago Girls Brown Hair
Turned Golden Hued.

Why the Chicago Girls Brown Hair
Turned Golden Hued.
Gosh, Marier, but that wuz a close
shaver exclaimed Uncle Eben as he
dragged his worthy spouse out of the
way Of a street car that was yet 20 feet
away. "This yer Chicago life is 'nough
to make mans h'ar turn gray"
"Turn gray snarled his wife.
"'Twouldn't be so bad eff thet wuz all
it done. It's decent and respectable to
have gray ha'r, but when it comes to
maxim poor young gals ha'r turn
yaller jist on account of the excitement
Nv all these ears an railroads on stills
an howlin people then's when l say it's
a sin to hev SIGH big cities. I'm a-goin
right out to Liza James house, eff kin
ever find it, an stay right in it till we
leave Chicago"
''HoW do you know it makes peoples
hair turn yallerY' asked Uncle Eben.
81 amt never hearn tell of ennything
Of that kind"
'fWell, I see it with my own eyes
leastwise see it turn brown agin after
LAC pOOI uCdIS ICplCu d11
in the country. You know them four
gals what staid all summer over at
Cousin Ellen's? When they fust come,
they'd big brown eyes an far complex
ions an right yaller HAIR. Purity soon
every one of EMS ha'r begin to get
streaked in spots, an before the sum-
mer wuz gone they all had rich brown
ha'r. Then asst one Of 'em what made
their ha'r turn brown, an she said it
wuz alias brown, but that the excitin
life she'd been Twin in Chicago, whar
she had to act in theater every night,
made it turn yaller. Poor thing! She
looked so much better at the end of the
summer that I hate to think Of her
comm back to this great, wicked city"
Chicago journal
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
700 Much Bait For ais FlsA.

They were passing q good story at
the courthouse yesterday afternoon
concerning young lawyer who was
admitted to practice a short time ago
and recently hung out his single. His
Office isn't a very pretentious affair,
but he didn't think 1t necessary TO
apologize to his friends for his little
eight by ten. with several feet parti-
toned off for the use of his clerk"
The other day lightning struck, and
the door opened slowly, while voice
charged with strong Irish accent ask
ed If the lawyer was in.
James" said the rising disciple of
Blackstone, getting up from couch
at the time, Il wish you'd step around
to the First National bank and tell
them that the amount of that draft
isn't quite right 1t should be $1,575.
instead Of $1,525, and before you re-
turn drop into Mr.. Johngre's office and
tell him I've collected that $500 claim
for him. While you're there. step
across the hall and inform Mr.. Fogo-
boil that unless that mote for $4,000 is
paid in the morning shall begin fore
closure proceedings. Don't lose any
time, as I've a great deal of work for
you this morning"
"Be hfTins" gasped the client pro-
spective, who had progressed as far
as the doorway into the inner Office.
'Athis be's no place fer me wild err two
dollar fifty clint claim ter k'lect," And
he departed. Wisconsin.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
A Rat Story.

lone day not long ago" said brick
manufacturer. lone Of my workmen
saw three rats carrying a straw across
the brickyard. 1t seemed such an un-
usual sort of proceeding that he stop
ped his work to watch them. Two OF
the rats held the straw at opposite
ends while the third supported the
center. They were making straight for
the river which flowed by one side Of
the yard. When they arrived at the
bank, they laid down the straw and
took a long drink. Then they proceed
ed to take up the straw again in the
same manner as before and returned
by the same way they had come
'"This so interested the workman
that he determined to watch if they
would come again. And sure enough,
at about the same time the next day,
they appeared, carrying the straw ex-
actly as before. Having provided him
self with gun, he shot all three to
see if possibly he might thereby solve
the mystery. He discovered that the
rat in the center was blind and there
fore concluded that this was the ami
mails kind method of leading their
afflicted comrade to the water to
drink. "-Philadelphia Inquirer.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
WHY SHE RESIGNED,

The Member of a WOman's Club Con-
founded the Two POpes.
"For the last year or so my wife has
been ambitious to shine as a literary
light" said Smith, with chuckle. Z
don't know how many clubs she join
ed, but if there were any that she did
not belong to it was because she haG
T,o1,or baord IF tbnm -, "a
'The other night while was read
ing my paper she interrupted me with
a request for light about something
that did not catch except the wore
pope.
"'Well, said 1, looking over aag pa
per.
81 want to know about him. she con-
tinued. 4 must read paper concern
ing him at our next literary meeting,
and do not know single thing about
him. Who is hep
"'Do you mean to say said l, that
you know nothing about the head Of
the Roman church,
sob, of course! she answered. How
stupid of me! l can read all about
him in the encyclopedia
81 resumed my reading and thought
that ended it, but it didn't. The 9th
er night when returned home found
my wife in tears, and before had time
to inquire what the matter was l was
called to account in II different kinds
Of keys.
"Well, when the storm was over I
learned the truth. 1t was the poet
Pope and not the pope Of Rome that
she was expected to treat upon, and
when she rose and read paper on the
pope it started a row that did not end
with adjournment.
But, seeing that she has resigned
from all the clubs and that the chill
dren once more have a chance to get
acquainted with their mother, do not
look upon it as a calamity. "-Detroit
Free Press.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
A STREET CAR COMEDY.
The Girl and Her Purse and FfvG
Smart Young Men.

The Girl and Her Purse and Ffv6
Smart Young Men.
AS soon as the good looking girl err
tered the car the five young men on the
opposite seat began surveying her with
critical eye, and she hadn't yet made
out whether the baldheaded man witk
the medical magazine was to be In
cluded in the lot when the conductor
came in for his fare. The girl opened
her portemonnaie and began to take
out latchkeys, samples of ribbon ana
little memoranda in the usual way,
and the five young men smiled, each
after his own particular style. Bald
headed was out of it. The girl didn't
see any of the smiles, but she caught
on just the same. There was nickel
all ready for her fingers, but when one
pale faced young man added a g1ggle
to his smile the nickel was thrust aside
for 50 bill. She didn't hand it over
to the conductor as she tished 1t out;
but, leaning forward with a winning
smile on her face, she began at the
head of the line and asked:
w Ill you plSdSS NC 30 hlAh nS "
change this bill for me"
1t was impossible. A young man
with only dime in his pocket has nc
show to bust a bill. The next one
had a quarter, but he had to decline,
and so it went to No. 5. His hand
sought his pocket as his turn came
but it didn't bring up any change.
The smiles had been replaced by sheep
ish looks, and they rubbed elbows and
trod on each others feet in trying to
look out of the windows. There was &
long minute Of painful suspense, and
then the good looking girl handed the
bill to the conductor. She hadn't
word to say to the five young men Whs
had started out in life so gayly, but old
baldheaded had. When all was over
he turned half around and growled
out:
IF l were you fellows, l wouldn't
try to be so blamed smart next time" -
Philadelphia Press. ,sssssgsasH3 +
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
A Japanese Dinner.

He WHO does not like the way the
Japanese cook fish must be hard to
please. They are better fish COOKS
than the French. The Japanese wa,
tiers are very prolific, and the natives
seem to have learned in cooking to
preserve the inherent flavor OF the
fish, while their sauces are very SIM
pie. And as for cells, as they are cook
ed at the kandagawa. teahouse I'D
Tokyo, he who has tasted them has
established standard il his mind by
which to judge other cells
Seaweed we had, too. thin as paper,
and crisp. 1t is the weed Of the sea
that is left on me rocks and scraped
from them by The fisher women with
shells and then dried in the sun. 1t is
eaten as a relish and has IL delicate
favor. suggesting cinnamon.
Rice we had in abundance. 1t was
served from a bucket mot unlike ours.
but not quite so deep of implanted
white pine, with little wooden shovel
somewhat like those our children use
in playing at the seashore. Our rice
bowls were filed again and yet again.
and when we covered our bowls 1t
meant we had finished dinner. have
seen the Japanese look with indiffer-
ence at a fish cooked in a way that
made my mouth fairly water with de-
sire. but when they are served with
rice it receives their immediate atten-
tion.-Harper's Magazine.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
A nosnt of Resemblance

They were dancing. The music was
heavenly. The swish Of her silken
skirts WAS delightful The fragrance
Of the roses upon her bosom was al.
most Intoxicating.
"Ah,' she said, looking up into bis
face and smiling sweetly. you remind
me of one Of Whitman's poemsy'
A sudden dizziness seemed to seize
him. 1t was as If he were floating
along in dream. When be could catch
his breath to speak. be asked:
(Which oneT'
"Oh. any oner" she replied. 1.-THE
feet are all mixed up in all of them
Chicago Times-Herald
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
LEARNING 70 SMILE.
One of the Hardest Things For the
Gymnast to DO.

Gymnast to do.
1.-THE thing l found hardest to learn
in my business was to SMILE" said a
professional gymnast who did very
clever speciality recently at one of the
local theaters. II started out In aero
batic work when was only 10 years
old as one of a family of five. My
instructor was Charles Mcdonald, an
old time circus performer and one of
the best Of his day. While he was put
ting me through my PAGES he was
continually yelling: Lock pleasant!
Look pleasant And my main trouble
for years was in following that same
order.
mo matter how hard tried would
forget myself, and when was doing
an extra hard turn l was certain to
make horrible faces. screw up my eyes
and grit my teeth. 1t took all the eff
feet out of my act and must have
seemed very funny to the people in
the audience. Often, after performing
some difficult feat, have been morti-
fed tc hear a roar of laughter, and at
last l determined to either learn how
to smile or quit the business, | got
the knack at last, and now it has be-
come a sort of second nature.
''The point is great deal more i'm
portant than one would suppose. i
know an ,equilibrist, for instance, who
lis very popular on the vaudeville cir
cult, not so much on account of the
difficulty of his act as the smiling ease
with which it is apparently done. Yca
would never suppose from his race
that he was making any special exer-
ton, and that of itself gives remarka-
bile grace and finish to his work.
II am not the only one in the bush
ness, however, who has found it hard
ito smile at the right time. Almost 'ey-
cry ballet dancer, eccentric character
dancer and skirt dancer has had @trou-
BILE on the same score. Most of them
finally acquire horrible fixed grimace
that is supposed to be 8 smile, but has
no more suggestion Of merriment 1than
a brick wall. 1t is produced by cult
waiting a certain set of muscles and
made to appear and disappear on the
principle of pulling a string. New Or
leans es-Democrat.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
COULD BEAR A SHOCK.
He Was Short on IsmEs, but Decid-
eddy Long al Nerve.

He Was Short on ISsnGs, but Decid-
eddy Long al Nerve.
The young man was either an OPP
timist or the possessor of haryeyized
steel armor plated nerve. Perhaps he
was little of both.
A short time ago he came to the con-
clusion that he would like to ipsGre his
life. With this object in view ne made
application to a prominent company.
After filing up the necessary form he
received an invitation to call upon the
medical officer of the company and
undergo the usual medical examina-
ton. In due course he presented him
self at the office of the examining ply.
stefan.
Requesting the young man to remove
his coat and vest, the doctor produced
a stethoscope and began his examina-
ton. All at once he stopped and re-
garded the candidate with an express
sion of alarm.
young man." he said, do you think
you can bear a shock?"
"Oh, think so!' was the cheerful re-
spouse. Fire away and let me hear
the worst"
"You have only one lung" announc-
ed the doctor solemnly.
''Well, what of thatg" retorted the
candidate, with the utmost composure.
81 never told you l had any more.
did II"
What" exclaimed the doctor, do
you mean to say you were aware of
your condition.
"Of course l was. Do you suppose
a man could have only one lung with
out being aware of the fact?"
''And yet" said the doctor, you ap-
ply to respectable company for a poll
cy of life insurance. Do you expect to
get it?"
81 certainly do. Not only that, but |
think ought to get it at substantial
reduction in the premium"
"Upon what ground, may ask?'
"Upon the ground that, having only
one lung, am so per cent less liable to
contract consumption than If had
two lungs. Rival
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
Her Objection.

A New Hampshire man wished to
have telephone connection between his
house and a new one built for his
sons summer residence. The best
route took the wire over the cottage
Of an old lady, to whom he applied for
permission to make the slight use Of
her roof that was necessary.
The old lady gave her consent, but
made a firm stipulation at the same
time.
"Im willing you should run wires
over my roof and hitch 'em wherever
you see fit," she said pleasantly, pro
vided you don't use 'em after o'clock
at night. That's my bedtime, and I'm
a light sleeper at best, and the noise
of folks talking overhead would be
sure to keep me ke."-Youth's
Companion.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
Fool and His Money.

1t CHANGED that the miser and the
spendthrift took ship together.
En- voyage the spendthrift bought
much wine and sat long at the gaming
table.
'"'The fool and his money soon partv'
sighed the miser.
Presently storm rose. and the ship
foundered, and they were all cast into
the water, and the miser having his
gold in belt about his waist. sank to
the bottom.
1.-THE fool and his money" observed
the spendthrift sadly. for he was a
generous soul, don't always partg'
After that the spendthrift swan to a
raft, where he starved to death.-De-
troit Journal
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
A Candle Trick

Let candle burn until it has a good
long snuff; then blow it out with sud
den puff. A bright wreath of white
smoke will curl up from the hot wick.
Now. if a flame be applied to this
smoke, even at distance of two or
three inches from the candle, the fame
will run down the smoke and rekin-
die the wick in very fantastic man
ner. To perform this ceremony nicely
there must be no draft or banging"
doors while the mystic spell is rising.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
A Golf Outrage.

The Earl of Wemyss was on a Fife
golf course not long ago. accompanied
by an old caddie. His Iordship got
his ball on one occasion so near the
hole that to play it was, as it appeared
to him. superfuous, So he simply tip.
ped it in with the toe of his boot
The caddie revolted instanter. threw
down the clubs and looked Mortified.
When he found words to speak, it was
to say, Hang it. me lord, gowf's
gowfv
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
ovsters and strnnherries.

The oyster and strawberry are said
to be the greatest of evangelists. They
have built and furnished more church.
es, paid the salaries of more preachers
aud helped more heather than any
two other natural agencies In the
world. Reynoldsville tpa) Star.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
The Limit.

"Put your tongue out" said the doc
tor to 4-year-old Gilbert.
Little Gilbert protruded the tip of
his tongue.
''No, no; put it right out" said the
doctor.
The little fellow shook his head
weakly, and the tears gathered in. his
eyes.
81 can't, DOCTOR" he ventured at last.
tits fastened on to me-"
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
TTYn TnWPrs

Students of architecture may have
often wondered why the two towers
of Notre Dame at Paris were not of
the same size. 1t appears that when
the cathedral was built it was the
cathedral of a sufragan bishop, WHO
was not entitled to two towers of equal
height, and for centuries the bishop of
Paris was suffragan to the bishop of
Sens
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
MiIIais and Newman.

The author of the life of hillais
tells the following anecdote: When
Cardinal Newman came to sit to the
artist for his portrait, he asked where
he was to pose
"Oh, your eminence, on that emf
hence, if you please" answered Sir
John, pointing to the models dais and,
seeing him hesitating, added, Come,
jump up. you dear old boy"
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16

Tom Corwin had an enormous
mouth, He once said he had been in
suited by Deacon Smith. The good
brother asked for further expIana-
ton
Well said Corwin. when | stood
up in the lecture room to relate my
experience and | opened my mouth,
Deacon Smith rose up in front and
said Will some brother please close
that window and keep it ciosedY =
San Francisco Argonaut
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
Napoleon Was a Dandy.

1t is pleasant to learn. if one has Ma
poleon | on the hero list, that be had
very dainty habits in personal mat
tiers; that he was fastidiously clean in
his person, according to an article in a
French contemporary, and poured eau
de cologne into the water he washed
in, then sponged his head with per-
fume and finally poured the remainder
Of the contents of the flask over the
neck and shoulders. He was also ex-
travagantly fond of clean linen and
during his campaigns had relays of it
sent to different places. In those days
1t did not cost farm to have starch
ed things" Numbered. for, in account
with a famous laundress in Paris. the
emperor's ''linen" for one wash"
amounted to 1856 pieces and cost only
a trife over 500. .-...,--~e- .s..4s,s~:.~
This strikes an American as very
reasonable, But his majesty never
wore any article but once, and as he al
ways undressed himself without aid
from his valet his garments were liter
ally east to the four corners Of the
room. Napoleon's bill for eau de CO.
logne. however, exceeded the washer
woman's by large majority. 1t is a
relief to learn that the Little Corporal
was so much a dude. Some of his
predecessors in the Tuileries were not
blessed with such excellent habits. if
history is to be relied upon.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
A Specimen of cockney Humor.

1t consists merely in ignoring the hor-
rible or tragic side of a funny situa-
ton. Everybody knows the old story
of the cockney laughing after a fire
Jump, yer silly foolH says. Me an
my mites got blanketT An e did
jump. an there warn't no blanket, an
e broke is bloomin neck Laugh?
'aven't laughed so muchw : Black
wood
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16

arthur, dear" she said, Il do wish
you would not use cigarettes"
"Why?"
Because you don't know what is in
them"
ooh, yes, l do! Why, for the trifing
sum that cigarette costs you get nico-
tine, valerian, possibly a little NOR
phia and any quantity of carbon"
She looked up into his eyes and muir
INJURED, arthur, dear, it does seem like
a bargain. doesn't it?-Brisbane Re-
view.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
a Rude suggestion

Great Actress-That's an atrocfous
portrait! Is that the best you can do?
Is there no way you can improve upon
it? Suggest something.
Photographers Madam, you might
permit your understudy to sit for you.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16

Read not much at a time, but medi-
tate as much as your time and capaci-
ty and disposition will give you leave,
ever remembering that little reading
and much thinking little speaking and
much hearing, is the best way to be-
come wise.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16

A girl should never throw away her
old slippers. They will come in handy
at her wedding-and much handler in
after years. Chicago News.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16

When | consider what some books
have done for the world and what they
are doing, how they keep up our hope,
awaken new courage and faith, soothe
pain, give an ideal life to those whose
homes are hard and cold. bind together
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
Golden.

Judge Was the stolen jewelry gold
or silver? Well, why don't you an
sWer?
Prisoner Don't you know, judge,
what silence ISL Fliegende Batter.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16
The Modest LAWYER.

A lawyer walked down the street re-
Gently with his length of arms taxed to
hold a lot of law books.
Pointing to the books, a friend said,
why, | thought you carried all that
stuff in your headg'
u do" quickly replied the lawyer.
with a knowing wink These are for
the judges"
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16

The secret of success in life is for a
man to be ready for his opportunity
when it comes.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16

Messrs. Macmillan. the great London
booksellers, in their spacious premises
have, it is stated, shelf room for 1900
900 books.
Morris tribune., 1899-12-16

Let every one turn himself round aud
box at home, and he will find enough
b do.