davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
SUCH IS FAME.
"A Small schoolgirl Gets the Hero Of
Manila Into q Bad
Mix Up.

One Of the most popular Of the young pro-
fessors in the male high school tells an
amusing little story on small, up-to-date
schoolgirl. She went to one of these dis
trict schools over which cousin of the
professor presides. It is usual to have vis-
itors at the building now and then, who
ask the. scholars questions and see that
everything is in good shape. One day not
SO long since party of callers came in and
requested the pupils to write the answers to
several questions propounded them. One of
these questions was: "Tell what you know
about Admiral Dewey's great fight"
The children set to work figuring on their
answers, but the teacher noticed one of the
girls did not make move to do so.
why don't you write your answer to the
question:? she demanded of the idle pupil.
Taint no USE" was the slow response.
u. don't know nothing about it. y g.
But" demonstrated the teacher, you
must try, anyhow; you must not sit there
idle while the others are doing the best
they can. See if you cannot think of some
thing, my dear"
'sNo use" protested the pupil. "A1l know
is that Dewey and Corbett fought, and
don't know which whipped, and I don't care
either"
Such is fame, and the bold sailor who
sunk Montojo's fleet must go promenadfng
down the halls of time with pompadoured
ex-slugger for partner.-Louisville Times.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
HE DID NOT HAVE II.
How q Joshin8 Judge Sailed Down
= Delightfully Fresh
Young Man.

William Lightfoot Visscher tells this char
acteristic story of Hon. Isaac Parker, famous
as the terrible judge at Fort Smith, Ark,
who probably sentenced more men to be ex-
ecuted than any other Judge that ever lived.
This was not, however, because he was so
unrelentingly severe, but because be had
the hardest and most numerous lot of GRIM
inals to deal with that ever came within the
jurisdiction of such an official. One day
when there was an unusually large batch Of
culprits to be sentenced, the Judge looked
compasisonately over his spectacles at one
young scamp, and said:
"In consideration of the youth and in
experience of this prisoner shall let him off
with fine of $50"
Before the Judge had done speaking the
very fresh young man coolly stretched his
right leg and ran his hand into his trousers
pocket on one side, remarking nonchalantly
as he did so:
That's all hunky, Judge; I've got that
much right here in my jeans"
"And one year in the penitentiary," con-
cluded the Judge. Then looking over at the
convict in quizzical sort of way, he added:
DO you happen to have that in your jeans?"
Nv oman's Home Companion.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Sufficient Reward.

John Howe. the famous Puritan d.
vine. became Cromwell's chaplain in
1867. He was much respected by men
of all parties. and in the icklish times
of the Commonwealth his help and pro-
lection were often asked for, and never
in vain. Yet he was never known to
ask a favor for himself. In "The Life
andl Work of John Howe this incident
is given: One day. Cromwell took no.
tice of this self-denial. saying to him: {:
''You have begged favors for everyone
but yourself, Mr.. Howe. When will
your own turn Gomez" To which Howe
returned this answer: "My lord pro-
tector. my turn is always come when I
can serve another. r."-Youth's Com
Danion. -,. i
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
&aE S'I,oRY, ], . ! !, Tkllk
~
WHITE LILAC.

She sent me bottle of perfume to-day.
'Tis there on the dresser;
"A bauble Of vanity" 'worthless." you
say? y
All. we'll, we'll not quarrel. for how could
What dreams it has brought from the sweet
long ago! ~
She sent it, God bless her!
1.-THE dead long ago." I had foolishly said.
Twas but an illusion: ss1
A watt Of this fragrance has wakened the
dead, ,E'-}, a ~s
And famed into flames smoldered passions
that slept
Till through my numbed pulses fierce cur
rents have swept
In widest confusion.
IT'S strange that an odor, the breath Of q
flower,
A ghost Of lost gladness,
Should carry me back to the white-lilac
bower,
And pelt me with blossoms. and fll me
with bliss,
And make my lips burn with the touch of
a kiss
This surely is madness!
IT'S only bottle of perfume, I know,
That stands on my dresser;
Then why all these dreams from the dear
long ago
This living in fancy and folly again?
'Tis only bottle of perfume. but then
She sent 1t, God bless her.
SAdell G. Welch, in Midland Monthly.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
A Good Return.

a sailor was called up as witness. T.
"Well." said the lawyer. do you
know the plaintiff and defendant?"
Il don't know the drift of them
words" answered the sailor, +
''What! do not know the meaning of
the words plaintiff and defendant 90
continued the lawyer; "a pretty fellow
you must be to come here as witness.
Can you tell me where on board it was
that the one man struck the other?''
Z 4 'Abaft the binnacle, = said the sailor.
4 "Abaft the binnacle," rejoined the
lawyer, what do you mean by that p,
"a pretty fellow YOU said the sailor,
''to come here as lawyer, and don't
know what abaft the binnacle means. 9
Tit Bits.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
. Eua Dispositions
Are Early Sh0u,n. !"

last 50 epd IN tie Hood
comes oat n SHAPE Of soof
ala, p6npEes, ETC.. III Children
and young people. TzkM q
time Il can be 1sdscztd 6v
nsing Hoods Saszppil-
IN older people, tie aftermath
Of dreyulz, ED1zg shows t.
self n rbadoas conditions, =
heavy hesd 4 fool nzouth,
a g<uzsI lad feeling,
It IL the blood, the impure blood,
friends, which is the real cause. Purify
that with Hoods Sarsaparilla and
happiness will reign in your family
Mood po1oo0-"I lived in bed offfe
for years owing to blood poisoning thst FOL
lowed small pox. II broke out all over my
body, itching Intensely. Tried doctors and
hospitals In vain. tried Hoods Sarsspa-
rilla. Il helped I kept at It and was en-
tirely cured. I could 60 on the housetops
and shout Shout Il" Mis-. J. z. WILLANs,
Carbonate, Pa.
4cyoGtNo 00900-"My baby at two
months had scrof1la sores ON cheek and
arm. Local applications and physicians
medicine did little or no good. Hoods Sar-
sapariIla cured him permanently. He is
now four, with smooth fair skim" M1s-
s. 8. WRorKH, Warrington, Del.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
His Motto,

A New York merchant recently adver-
tised for an Office boy. The first lad that
went to try for the position was asked what
his motto in life was.
THE same as yours, SIR answered the
lad.
''How do you know my motto?" asked the
manager.
1T tells you on the door, sir; it says
push"
The boy was employed at onee.-Cincin-
natl Enquirer.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
PERSONAL AND. IMPERSONAL.

Russell Sage's pet charity is to give
from .$25 to 500 to all babies that are
named after him.
Secretary of State Hay is the pedes.
trian of the administration and walks
several miles daily.
A negro burglar at Norristown, Pa,
was recently tracked by corn which had
sifted through a hole in his coat pocket,
An orphan girl who assisted her aunt
in a boarding house at WolverhamptoD
has inherited & $4,000 under her great.
grandfather's will. ..S
Maj. Gen. Ludlow, military and civil
governor of Havana, has for years been
considered as one of the best authori-
ties on municipal sanitation and engi.
neering in this country. r.. -.
The Pennsylvania commandery of the
Military Order of Foreign Wars of the
United States has voted to present to
Rear Admiral Dewey the gold insignia
of the order, which the United States
government permits officers of the
army and navy to wear.
The empress dowager of China is an
ardent painter, and her pictures are
said to be admirable specimens of Chi
nese art. Strange as it may seem, her
majesty is also said to be fond of
wrestling, and frequently indulges in
this rather virile form of exercise. She
is we'll read, is fond of European music
and has some skill as a pianist.
A couple with two hearts that beat
as one drove in a hack to the door of a
theater in Wichita, Kan, and sent a
messenger for a justice of the peace
who was witnessing performance in
the playhouse. He came out, and, with
his return check in hand, stood on the
sidewalk while he married the couple.
They drove off and the justice returned
to the theater.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
His Peculiar View.

Doesn't it sometimes make you gloomy
to hear the wind bowling about on wild
night?'
NO." answered the man with careworn
look. II rather like to hear it. The wind
doesn't come up and ring your door bell and
ask how about that bill, OF tell you you'll
get arrested if you don't tag your dog. It
ing away off the key and disgrace the
neighborhood. It howIs because it enjoys
it. But it never says anything to hurt any
body's feelings. sometimes honestly wish
that there was more wind in this life and
less people. e."-Washingto Post
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

wave
Ger the little green apple boys green little
grave.
Cornell Widow
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

den 20 myself Was troubled with
smothering spells. also paIpitstion OF
the heart and that besriBg-dcwn feel
ing. and could not be on my feet mach
II was growing worse all the time,
until 1 took your medicine
AFTER taking three boxes of Lydia
z. Pinkham's Vegetable Compound
Lozenges, the tsmor passed from me-
my health has been better ever
since, can now walk quite q distance
and am troubled no more with psipiss~
ton of the heart or bIostfng. rec
ommend your medicine to all sufferers
from female tRoubIes-'
Il is hardly reasonable to suppose
that any one can doubt the easciency
Of Mrs. Pinkham's methods and medi-
cine in the face Of the Tremendous vol
ume Of testimony.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
How the Mistake Occurred
BY Edmund Lyons

IT WAS certainly charming locality
II which DR.. Stagmire's Select
Academy for Young Gentlemen" was
situated, about a hundred miles from
New York. The ground sloped gently
from the house to the river and in the
near background were high hills and
lakes and valleys. The pupils parents
who came from a distance were gen.
orally very much attracted by the
beauty of the scenery.
There was another academy within
a mile of us, but this, as the doorplate
informed those who cared to know, was
Young Ladies' Preparatory. Semi
nary" 1 don't believe any of the boys
of DR.. Stagmire's school, with the single
exception of myself, knew any of the
inmates of Miss Dunning's establish
ment. My acquaintance with the good
natured servant, Fanny Barnes, was
due to our meeting at the post Office
in the village, where we were taking
and receiving letters for the respective
schools.
One cloudy day in September my ia
ther came to visit me at DR.. Stagmire's.
He was called by business to California,
and was to be away for three months.
He asked for half holiday, which was
gladly granted, for DR.. Stagmire was
seldom averse to allowing this little in
diligence to himself and his pupils.
When he was going away my father
placed coin in my hand.
"Dick, my boy,'' he said, there is a
ten-dollar gold piece. Don't be ex-
travagant with it, for 1 am not rich, but
don't be stingy."
was not stingy.< The very next aft
ernoon, DR.. Stagmire kindly consent
ing, and even accompanying the process
sion, went, followed by all my school
mates. two abreast, to the only refresh
ment saloon in the village, where we
were furnished, ad libitum, with sand
Wiches and ice cream, while the non-
invited village boys scufaed with each
other for the best places outside the
window to watch the feast.
was proud boy, indeed, when Dr.
Stagmire condescended to eat two sand
wiches and plate of ice cream at my
expense, and yet prouder one when,
with my respected principal beside me,
l again headed the long line of boys and
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Couldn,t Blame Him.

."What," thundered Mr.. .Meekton's
wife, ''do you think of this man who
married three wives, and then wants
to come to congress!"
We'll, Henrietta" he answered, as he
gloomily tapped the: edge of the table,
II dunno's blame him for wanting to
get away from home and come to WASH
ington for a little while."-Waslingto
Star.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
FEMALE PICKPOCKETS.
A Detective Says They Are Meaner
and Far More RemOrseless
Than the Men.

Detective Thomas McQualde. "A man
is usually looking for a pocket that is
worth while picking and one that will
not miss what is taken, but with wom-
an it is different. She plies her calling
among women who can ill-afford to lose
a dollar. The female pickpocket hangs
around the market houses, large stores
and places of that sort. She is con-
scienceless. She will steal the purse OF
a poor woman who is buying food for
her family, perhaps take from her a
weeks income and leave the family in
want for that period.
"The professional female pickpocket
will do more. She may find in the purse
she steals few trinkets of trifing
value, pin or a locket containing =
lock of hair, child's ring, worn, may
be, by little one that is dead, worth
less to her, but priceless to the owner.
She will Immediately take the money
and throw the purse and trinkets down
the nearest sewer opening, where they
are lost forever. Money cannot be
identifed; the purse and trinkets could.
II recall with satisfaction an incident
in which female pickpocket figured.
She stole the purse of poor old wom-
an and arrested her shortly after the
act. She had disposed of the purse before
I got her. There had been about seven
dollars in cash in it and q small pieceof
jewelry that belonged to q dead child
of the woman. The poor woman would
have willingly given the thief the
money in the purse and more for the
return of the keepsake, but it was lost
to her beyond recovery.
II worked up fair case against the
pickpocket. got her in court, did my
best to convict her, but because the
purse was not found in her possession
she was acquitted. Sympathy for a
woman had much to do with the verdict,
but there was no sympathy for the
woman who had been robbed. It was
with great regret that I saw the pick
pocket walk out of the courtroom free.
I'm the corridor she met one of the
jurors. He smiled and she walked up
He assured her that that was unneces-
sary, for he never for moment doubt
ed her innocence. That evening he re-
ported to the front office the loss of his
gold watch. The woman had picked his
pocket while thanking him for acquit-
ting her. She got away from us.
"A female pickpocket had recently
was boarding in house down on Ninth
street. She would say grace before
every meal. and she went to church at
every opportunity. Her arrest was an
nounced as an outrage by the family
with whom she boarded. They believed
her to be religious woman. Her home
is in Ireland. Her husband runs small
store there. She makes regular trips
to the United States for the purpose of
picking pockets, shoplifting and open
ing satchels. She had with her when we
arrested her blank drafts on an English
bank. She sent her stealings regularly
to her husband in Ireland. She operates
almost entirely among poor women.
Jurors have so much misplaced SYM
pathy when a woman is the prisoner
that it is difficult to convict them, yet a
professional female thief is the meanest
of all thieves" s."-Pittsburgh News.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
The Question Met.

do you wish tc have your teeth ex-
amined?" asked the dentist of the sad
faced man who had been waiting in the
ante-room for one hour and IS min
utes. 1es T.
Whereupon the answer !, was tartly
given: ''What do you suppose came
up here for, to buy cock stove?"
Really" said the dentist, smiling;
Il didn't know. I thought that possi-
bly, you might be after some new fur,li-
ture for your dining-room." Detroit
Free Press.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Rather a Fine Point.

II am glad" she said, "that we are to
have a little winter weather at last
''We have been having winter wealth,
err he replied, in that aggravating way
so COMMON to husbands.
1T may be your idea of winter
weather. she retorted, 'but it's not
mine"
cts not a question of ideas at ALL"
he answered. cts question of
weather. We've been having weather,
haven't we?"
''Certainly."
"And it's winter, isn't it?''
s'Of course"
swell, then" .- d, ., :
But she didn't let him finish. She be-
gan saying that he, was the smallest,
meanest, most picayunish man that she
ever knew in her life, and she didn't
stop saying it for three-quarters of an
hour.-Chicago Post. t...
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
The New Way.

All men were doomed to earn their brea
By toll from day to day,
But here and there is some one now
Who has a better way.
He shrewdly looks about him and
Proceeds to form trust,
And then, while>others earn his bread,
He tosses them the crust.
Chicago Daily News
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

"Ha, hal" laughed Desdemona, derisively
"Do your worst!''
For, it being one-night stand, the pillow
borrowed from the hotel certainly wasn't
large enough to smother anybody
'Think not to escape me, wretehed woui-
am" cried OthelIo, deftly telling her with a
chunk of cord wood.
Thus art rises superior to obstacIes.-De-
troit Journal
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
WITH DIR. STAYMIRE BESIDE ME.

WITH DIR. sTAYMIRE BESIDE ME.
marched to the counter, where, some
what ostentatiously, 1 fear, 1 threw
down my coin. Then the fact was de-
veloped that the ten-dollar gold piece
was bad one.
the school was perhaps little disor-'
ganized. I, as heretofore, was in ad-
vance, with DR.. Stagmire beside me.
while my schoolmates followed, boil
ing over with very indifferently-sup-
pressed contempt.
The good doctor had willingly paid
my bill, and as we walked home he as
sured me. that he had no doubt there
was a mistake somewhere, which,
sooner or later, would be explained.
The boys, was sorry to find, took a
different view of the situation, and Tom
Carroll, who was said to have the power
of standing longer on one foot than any
other of the pupils, Remarked:
IF Blanchard's father gave him bad
ten-dollar piece, then Mr.. Blanchard
must be very queer kind of a man.
That is all have to say
Tom did himself an injustice. That
was not quite. all he had to say. The
next day he said more. 1t was, in effect,
that if young Blanchard had not re-
ceived the coin from his father, but had,
simply, tried to pass off "a spurious piece
obtained elsewhere with this paltry
tale, he was a very queer kind of boy.
suppose there are many boys who
would have resented these remarks of
Tom Carroll. / did not do so. Iwasnot
quarrelsome, and liked Tom. I was
sure that some mistake, existed that
would be explained eventually. And,
besides, Tom was half a foot taller than
I, and my chances of satisfying him by
physical force that he was wrong would
have been of a very slender kind. So
!. the days passed by, and went moping.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
venerated the Wrong Documen

After long years of veneration Con-
necticut people are now forced to ac-
knowledge that the English charter of
the colony preserved in the state secre-
tary's Office in the capitol is not the
original document, but q duplicate, the
original charter, or portion Of it, be-
ing in the possession of the Connecticut
Historical society. Until now the lat
ter was supposed to be the duplicate.
The facts came out through an investi-
CATION conducted BY Rev. DR.. w. D.
Love, of Hartford. Chicago Chronicle
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

Warwick-I read that French physician
has been conducting some very elaborate
investigations to discover the most health
full form of amusement or diversion.
Wickwire-Ah, and what did he finally
conclude was the most conducive to Ionaev-
ity?
"Dueling. Judge.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

The newest and most inspiring pieceof
sheet music, arranged for piano, is The
Pioneer Limited March, composed by
Cspt Frederick Phinney, Bandmaster
United States Band, Chicago, published by
9 Brsinard's Sons Co, Chicago. III dis
st. Paul Railway, Enclose fifty f5gl ceuss
and address =. T., CenIey- Asst General
Passenger Agent, 3S5 Robert St. St PauI,
Mimi,
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
bIt!jtly n KS
a Chaac,eI He,d Overlooked.

d. Griggs Have you heard the news?
Poor old Blinks has shot his arm off out
hunting. sss
Briggs Oh, Lord! What a fool am!
I might have known.
Why, heavensand earth, man! what's
the matter now?'' ;J..>. &
Matter? Bah! Haven't gone and
bet 9 dozen bottles Of champagne that
bl1nks wouldn't hit anything!"-Brook-
lyn Life. II
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

Cora-So the engagement between
Miss Trilby and George Wrinkles is off ?
Ella-Yes, she was too sensitive. A
woman ran a baby carriage over her
foot, and when she told George about it
he asked her if it upset the baby car
riage.-N. Y. Times,
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Old Are Deferred.

Now it should take long time for
A cook to grow antique,
Because you know they always take
A day off every week.
IN. Y. Journal.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Hard to Make a Choice.

."Young man." said the minister to
the needless sinner, "have you ever
thought on your future life?"
eyes, a great deal, and, do you know,
I cannot make up my mind between
Porto Rico and the Philippines. kan
sas City Star.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Hot. Place to Go To.

Mrs. Crimsonbeak-I wonder where
in the World the alarm clock has gone!
I saw it on the mantel yesterday.
Mr.. Crimsonbeak- was there yes
terday, but I heard it going off this
morning.
"Well, I hope it hasn't gone where
you told it to go."-Yonkers States
man.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Too TFue.

"Dearest," she murmured, I'm 90
afraid you'll change"
Darling" he answered, you'll never
find any change about me-"
Which was painfully true in double
sense.-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
"a . II . = - -
An Honest AvOwa1.

'And so you love meme alone?"
: She. ventured to propound.
eyes, more that way" said he, "'my own,
i Than when, your mas around"
L. A. w. Bulletin ssE5s - = :
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

"Is looks like rain to-day" said the
affable milkman, as he dumped the reg.
ular quart into the pitcher.
1T always does. said the woman, and
some people take such gloomy views OF
verything.-keystone.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

KeepfD9 Tf Up 20 the Last
Dx-I understand WIndis, the attorney,
is seriously ILL.,
Hix-Yes; met his physieIau this mera-
That's just like a lawyer'-ChIcago
Evening News
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

Mrs. Hoyle-What homely woman
she is.
Mrs. Doyle-Homely! Well, I should
say so; her face would give derma-
tologist life job.-N: Y. World.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

Unqualified Success of Lydia Il
Pfnkham's Vegetable Compound

Mrs ELrzABETH WHEsEocE. Naouo~
is- Iowa. in the following letter de-
scribes her recovery from a very eriti-
cal condition:
DEAR Mas. PryRaAs.--I have been
taking jour Vegetable Compound- and
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Their Fad.

Quiz.-What do you specially notice
about uneducated men that have made
large fortunes?
Biz.-That they almost invariably at
tribute it to their lack of education
Brooklyn Life.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Two Ways


..''Bilson IS worried about getting into
society .s.s s. .l[ E
.'How so
S''He doesn't know whether to get !
dress suit or to have appendicitis. -
n. YJournal.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Down ON Puns.

Mrs. Browne-Yes, we used to let
Tommy sit on the dictionary when he
took his piano lessons, but his father
put stop to it..
Mrs. Greene Why so? 'Fraid it
would hurt the book?
Mrs. Browne-No: it was too much
like punping; playing on words, you
know.-Boston Transcript.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23

Hanson-Did you hear about Stewart: He
is suffering from broken jaw
Bilibury-That's what football comes TO.
But it wasn't football. 1t was golf. A
tangle with the dialect, you know. ."-Eosson
Transcript.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
=. A Probability,

The man. who never makes mistakes
Should not be boasting too much.
The chances are he is man.
Who never tried to do much.
washington Star.
The Worthington advance., 1899-02-23
Silly GOSSl1D.

Maud-Is it true that you are in 10, .
with Mr.. Bullion?
Clara-Mercy, no! I'm only engaged
to HMM. Y. Weekly.