The San Francisco call., 1899-07-16
EDITORIAL VARIATIONS.

BY JOHN McNHUGHT.

KNOWN novels unuertOOh 10 uepiSl
rieties of English, life" He made 4
good story and presented characters
illustrating no inconsiderable number
of the types of men and women that
go to make up the complex public of
England. Each had his peculiarities,
and nearly every one of them turned
crank of some kind as diligently as If
he thought the turning were necessary
to make the world go round.
England is but part Of an island and
the varieties of life there are few and
simple when contrasted with those of
the United States. What novelist
would venture upon depicting varieties
of American life? 1t takes news
paper to do that, and even then the
story has to be continued from day to
day for years to keep pace with the
development of the subject. AS for our
cranks-their name is legion. We have
almost more cranks than people, for
while many of us are not cranks, there
Is a great host each of whom is sew
eral kinds of a crank, and the aggre-
gate therefore is probably a little bit
ahead Of that of the population.
Small in numbers and generally di-
minutive in size but conspicuous by
his activity and his versatility is the
calculation crank-the fellow who fig
ures out how many pounds Of potatoes
man consumes in seventy years, how
much horsepower is exerted by school
girl In chewing gum from the time she
enters the high school until she grad
yates, and other abstruse problems of
that kind, bringing to light enough use
less knowledge to stall a freight train.
One of the species has been moved to
calculation of late by a doubt whether
George Washington can continue to
hold the highest place in the esteem
of Americans since Jeffrfes knocked out
FitZsimmons. He meets the issue with
the impartiality of a true mathemati-
clan. He says Jeffries is feet inch
in height, Washington was 6 feet 2
inches; Jeffries in fighting condition
weighs 204 pounds, Washington with
out an ounce of superf1uous flesh on
him during his frontier life weighed
230; Jeffries measures 431s inches
around the chest and Washington an
inch more; Jeffries has a better ring
record than Washington, but the record
of the latter credits him with having
jumped 23 feet. thrown a stone across
the Potomac >opposite Mount Vernon
and lifted a horse.
Upon that data the computer calcu-
lates that if Washington were now alive
and in his prime, he would still be the
greatest of Americans, and with lit
tie preliminary training in the art Of
pugilism and ring tactics he could put
Jeffries to sleep in two rounds.
A notable crank in every American
community is the man who means bust
ness, whose motto is Get there Eli,
and whose ambition Is to get there first.
The, crank of this type whirls the
wheels of trade everywhere, not only
from Siskiyou to San Diego, from the
Sierras to the sea-" but from where the
sullen surges of the Atlantic thunder
upon the rocky coasts of bleak New
England to where the gentle ripples of
the Pacific bring the balms and odors
of tropic isles to the golden sands of
sunny California; from where the
mocking-b bird sings to the moon in the
glow of Floridiari nights TO where this
polar bear roams among Alaskan ice
bergs by the illumination of auroral
lights flashing their splendors around
the boreal pole.
mere Is now he got b move on MIN
self and on all his tribe. in the quiet
city of Penn in one instance last week.
The conductor of a railway train was
thrown from the top of car and Sc
riously injured. The accounts given Of
the accident in the papers next day ex-
tensively advertised it; and that very
day, according to the reports of thor
oughly reliable journals, he received
twenty-five proposals from various un-
dertakers who wanted the job of bury
ing him. the rates running from 500 to
$3.50. Florists from all over the coun-
try sent their rates for gates ajar
broken columns, pillows and vacant
chairs. One gardener called in person.
and the conductor. meeting him at the
door, succeeded in getting 90 per cent
discount off market prices before he
made himself known as the man sup
posed to be dead
For specimen of the thrifty citizen
the crank who impresses upon you that
penny saved is a penny earned, who
computes the amount you spend for
cigars and figures out that if you had
never smoked you would in a hundred
years from now be q prominent citizen
One naturally turns to Boston, and at
this juncture does not turn in vain.
During the construction of the IA
nous subway in Boston an old burial
ground was disturbed, and it was found
necessary to remove the remains of a
large number of persons inferred there.
OF course such a movement of ances-
trail bones caused much agitation in the
stagnant pools of Boston aristocrasy.
One eminent person of culture was in
duced to grant a right of way through
his family vault only upon condition
the city would provide him with an
other constructed according to his ideas
for the reception of the mortal remains
of his ancestors.
The city agreed and the work was
done; the subway completed and the
new tomb constructed. When all was
ready the thrifty respecter of the bones
Of his departed pedigree builders was
taken over to inspect the new reposi-
tory Now" said the official who had
charge of the work of removing the
a nd ho 70