The times., 1899-01-16

his own system is too healthy to admit OF any
pangS whatever. Mr.. Depew's responsibility 10
t;od and is an assured condition. hut u
is often garlanded out OF sight hy the C"'i
plaislnce Of the raconteur-
In other words Dr. Depew does not
have dyspepsia. II he did he would teei
his responsibility to God and man so that
he could not garland it out OF sighl
lwhat an adorable phrase that ISL AT all
Here we are informed that Depew is
nothing if not original. that what he says
is his own, and that personally he Is
most agreeably man. while mentally he is
a giant, We are told that no gift is so
rare as oratory, that it is a combination
of natural gifts and acquired art, and that
Dr. Depew has them both very violently.
Then we are introduced gently to some
of the doctors own experiences, as tod
by himself. He recounts, among other
things, that his first speech was delivered
at political meeting at which george
William Curtis had been expected. but had
failed to arrive. He adds, modestiy. that
he spoke for an hour and a half, to his own
surprise and that OF everyone else. Depew
had discovered that he could joke. Hence
Mr.. Clemenss book. Hence joke No. l.
1t is frightfly warm in some parts OF Arizona.
One OF Uncle Sans soldiers died not long ago
at Fort Yuma and in few days afterw1rd came
back after his blankets.
This, remember, is the product of that
giant intellect, which is nothing if not
original In view of this, We are con-
strained to remark that If anyone thinks
he has heard that joke before, ne must
be mistaken, unless he hnppens to have
heard it at a Depew dinner. There is,
however joke very mlcn like II, aiinost
the same, word for word IN fact, IN n
book about life at an Arj.cua army post,
which appeared about Twenty-Five years
ago; and the writer of this book remarks
that he must apologize for publishing
such an old joke, because everybody in
that part of the country knows it, and
has known it for the last thirty or forty
years. But he must have been mistaken,
too.
Misapprehensons may also arise about
one or two other jokes which are to be
found in Mr.. Clemens's pages. For in
stance, there is the joke about the tenn
perance lecturer who was caught taking
a hot whisky punch. and who said he was
total abstainer. but not a bigoted one.
This joke is popularity believed to have
originated with Noah, who evolved il dur
ing the enforced temperance regime of
the ark. Again, there is the story of
the railroad man in Germany, who. When
his train was half an hour late and he
was gently reproved for it by DR.. Depe':.
replied that. he and his country
men let things take care os
themselves and lived forever. This
clearly had its birth before the flooa.
and was once dialogue between the first
reformer and one OF those ancient seven
hundred-year cid patriarchs. 1t You'd have
been quite a natural remark to make at
that time Still another anecdote is that of
the gentleman who was asked If he would
autograph" and replied, Certainly,
mines rye; what's yours?'' This dates
from the time of the T3wer of Babel,
and accounts for the separation CT the
races CT mankind. The mcSt ancient of
ali. however, is that of the small bny
who ate green apples. That story was
told in the Garden CT Eden.
After the green cid age of such anec-
dotes. the story, borrowed from the In
goldsby legends. of the man who was found
drowned and half eaten up by the eels,
and whose wife told the finders 10 ''set him
again is comparatively modern. In view
of all these circumstances, ii may seem to
the unintiated rather queer that Mr..
Clemens should claim for DR.. Depew the
greatest original mind of modern days. But
in the case of the last named story it is
quite certain that the Rev Richard Harris
Barham never thought of telling it after
dinner: and as to the others, it should be
understood that the fact that Depew tells
them make them original. 1t is not the
story itself. we are told it is the way in
which it is recounted, in the inimitable
voice and intonations of the genial doctor
that makes the originality. This is a good
thing, because, viewed with an unpreju-
diced eye. these anecdotes would prove DR..
Depew TO be the identical spreading chest
nut tree which Longfeilow immortalized.
But these are not the only treasures OF
humor TO be found in the volume. The
stories are followed by Wit and Wis
dom extracted-presumably with a cork
screw-from the speeches. writings and
conversation of DR.. Depew. We are treated
TO such gems as these:
Every man knows more than You think he daes.
Great fortunes involve grave duties from which
there is escape.
Real happiness and the growth and pre>eryl,io
OF all the virtues best found in the family and
home.
Tie opportunity 10 rise from humble station to
LOFTY positions is the common heritage of all
II is always 4 pleasure for say ftlnny
things even though l may have only myself Tor
an audience
Were it not for the last of these aphor-
isms. one might again be tempted to doubt
DR.. Depew's originality. The others sound
very much like the sentiments which every
well-instructed boy and girl has written
in copy-books at school. and everyone
knows that those proverbs were handed
down from the ancient Arabians But
that last pearl of great price never came
from a copy-book. Candor compels us to
admit that it is not likely ever to go
into one, either; for although, for the
most part the aphOrisms of Dr. Depew
are so innocent and so helpless that they
would not harm an infant, this particular
one IS not suited to the eyes of school
children. The practical effect might be
bad.
But even this is not all. The stories
OF DR.. Depew, the witticisms of DR.. Depew,
and the wisdom OF DR.. Depew are followed
by acollection OF tales told about DR..
Depew In one of these the remarkable
and almost unique character OF the doctors
genius is plainly shown. His stories. as
we have seen. might have been duplicated
by n syndicate of humorists such as one
finds in that conseryatOr of chestnuts, the
minstrel show; his aphorisms read like a
speech of Grover Cleveland, but the
achievement recorded in the following
story is one which perhaps even Shakes
peare could not have duplicated; certain
ly Milton could not. 1t follows therefore
that DIR. Depew is greater man than
Milton.
While attending a house party al I.enox Mass.
Dr. Dcpew once spoke upon eleven different sub
ieCtS in fifteen minutes \ party ot Young ladies'
selected the subjects which were arranged under