Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-04-30
GENTLE MELANCHOLY
HOW THE IDLER ACTS WHEN HE
HAS THE "BLUES..
AN ANATOMICAL OUTLAW
He Makes Things Lively for His
Wife when lie Gets Depresscd-A
Cargo of Old Mnids-Woman and
Her Altitude Towards Whiskcrs.
Wife when He 4


without meaning TO be egotstical. and
without any intention to indulge in per-
sonalitics, i will state TO an admirln.
is or what's the good OF it l cannot say.
| but many advertisements for quack medi-
cines inform me that this Is a most re-
| fractory organ. While / have never
| studied physiology and am as unfamiliar
with the geography Of humanity as | am
with the map of Kamschatka, / believe
that the liver. like the colored voter,
must go. IT has a bad reputation, and
the pill literature which comes under my
inspection charges IL with many breaches
OF the peace. If my liver is as bad as the
patent medicines make it out 10 be, / feel
that we must part company. Every way
/ turn ! see the character Of this organ
libelled and censured. II | wander along
the shores OF the James river all the
fences and painted rocks tell me OF cures
for complaints, engendered by this ana
tomical outlaw The drugstore almanacs
dwell in awful language on the troubles
incident to my liver The confidential
circulars sent me indlct it for murder.
high treason, and a score of other
crimes. 1t IS said to generate that tired
feeling" and Is accused of being the pro-
Queer Of listlessness and nervousness and
melancholy and peeyishness and low
spirits. II man does anything that Is
so mean that the public won't even ac-
cuse his wife of putting him up TO 1t, his
liver is held responsible. Sunday-school
teachers who commit murder and embeZ-
...s.
ground OF poor llvers. Just let a man be
guilty of some act that is so dog-goned
spiteful and low-down that his acquaint
ances won't even smoke his cigars and
the first thing you know you'll hear his
friends explaining that his liver amt
working" Biyers seem TO be worse than
farmers about avoiding labor. If you
meet a friend who is yellow under the
gills and green i'm the eyes he'll say
Feeling rocky to-day sir; liver amt
working we'll" In fact, every other week
seems TO be a holiday with liyers. They
take day off every time the fancy
strikes them.
Without knowing where my liver is or
what it's good for. and without invest-
eating it's genealogical tree, ! will state
quite candidly that the old rascal hasn't
been treatir Z me right lately. 1t has
made me so grumpy and low
spirited that / don't believe III
ever get really chirpy and 'peart'
again. If it hadn't been for the
pill literature and drugstore documents l
wouldn't have suspected this organ at
all. 1 would simply have set myself down
as having a regular old-time case Of the
"blues." When these fits come on me
these off-days for the anatomical outlaw
! make things lively at home. Even the
Commauder-in-Chief has been known TO
fan off five pounds per week when l am
low-spirited. She says that Dante's In
fern0 is mild TO her suiferings when !
get down i'm the dumps Now. to tell the
truth, there's nothing which makes me
see this womans defects so plainly as "A
torpid liver With me, melancholy always
takes the form OF a clear realization of
my poverty, and an apprehension Of evils
to come. Let me but have the dumps"
Or the blues and my fevered brain pic
lures myriad hosts Of creditors, headed
by Sheriffs with distress warrants and
writs Of feri facias. Sometimes. by the
way, / even see these sights when my
liver is doing business at the old stand
wherever il is), but the hosts are gene
ally multiplied under the influence of the
blues" 1t is i'm such dark hours as
md cabbage, and urge that my old vests
be cut into pants for the boys. 1t is in |
hese days OF travail that ! assail the |
'ommander-in-Chief for buying japanese |
RIGA brac, and picture the time when |
We shall all be inmates Of the poorhOuse. |
[ Is i'm these moments Of darkness and |
inactivity of liver that l harp on my fail
ng health and on the way / have sacri- |
ICED my life for friends and family. And
is at this period Of tribulation and sOr-
Ow that / raise sand when my pipe can
Ot be found and cuff the baby for play
ng with my leathern razor strop. O, yes,
take good pains to see that I'm not mis-
rable all by myself I'm win. TO divide
% on it and let my wife go halves with
ne.
Il don't know whether It's your liver or
he Old Scratch" she snorts cut on
he fifth day Of my trouble, but | do
now that l wouldn't live in the house
II the time with a sick man for worlds.
ak to me about pOrcupines and Gagged
yenas! Why. shucks one man with
niger ache is worse than a sore-headed
ear"
n little commentary of this sort gene
lilly sets me right, or rather the UNI
sasOnable woman generally makes some
Ich remark as this just about the time
" liver returns from its vacation. Then
lings brighten up and l rejoice In to-
lcco smoke and chat on the street-cor-
FRS and laugh at other people who COM
ain of their ailments.
There was once a time i'm this grand old
when spinsters were a
arketable commodity, and were sold
st as butter and eggs. William Il. Cur
:. the well-known newspaper core
Ondent in a recent letter TO a Chicago
urnal which describes the town of VIII
msburg. Va. alludes TO strange Incl
mt in our history. He says that in 1919
feet from England brought over eleven
insters, who were sold as wives TO the
lonists, to pay the expenses of their
ssage. The consignment read as fol-
VS.:
We send you a shipment. one widow
d eleven maids. for wives for the peo-
, Of Virginia. There hath been a spe-
~ L.. -. 8 h.. for