davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26

Husband-There is no hurry, dear.
I've just telephoned, and they cay our
train is four hours late.
Wife-Good! I've just got time to fs1
my hair over again.-Town Topics.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26

Louise, could hardly sit through
the sermon"
SLEEPY, Arthur
'No; but your hat looked so much
like a spring salad that it made me
hungry.'-Chicago Record.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26
why They Sigh.

The men who sigh for good old times,
Are those who do not know
How stupidity the world was run
An age or two ago.
Chicago Daily News.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26
Had Read Nexr.naner..

Minister (sternly)-Do you know
what becomes of boys who tell lies and
steal?
The Urchin-Yep; when they gets to
be men they become politicians.-N. Y.
World.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26

Julia O'Stubs-Yer tells me OBJ yer
lobe and wants me ter be yer very own-
Is yer income big enough ter buy mo
dat dream of hat and de dresses ter
match it. If it is, Mortimer Irving
Stages, Use yourn to the end.-E. Y.
World
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26
Old Age the Humbux.

There's no old age:
We mount Iffe's ladder rung by rung;
At twenty-five
WIRE o1d-at sixty we are young.
Judge
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26
Great Disappointmen,

KeMy wife's taste is for every
thing rich.
She must have been awfully dis
appointed in you, then. Yonkers
statcsm,sn. fs
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26
1t Knew Its Business,

III MIC" 1tB DUS1H6SSs
" Three Is a crowd" and they were three.
The parlor lamp, the maid and he;
But two is company" no doubt
That's why the knowing lamp went out
Il. A. w. Bulletin.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26
very Awkward.

Very Awkward.
Beloved" he cried, throwing himself
at his wife's feet, 1--WE have lost all save
honor!''
The woman pressed her hand to her
streaming eyes and wept as if her heart
were breaking.
"How awkwardl" she sobbed. "Just
the thing we don't need if we've got to
deadbeat!"
Verify, It seemed that a r.ientless
fate pursued them.-Detroit Journal.
= Her Reign.
Each spring the married man will calm him
$ down
And move about as quiet as mouse;
Naught will he do to tempt his wife to
I Is frown,
Lest she should say it's time to clean the
house.
~,JV6Ee
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26
Quite Certain.

The newest fashions now are in,
And, from the way it looks, go. .
Though coats and hats may change,
there'u be
No change in pocketbooks.
IN. Y. World. -
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26
Reason to BE Proud

"Ma, I'm at the head of my class"
sHow's that, Dick?''
.sTeacher says I'm the worst Of al
tho bad boys in school. p N. Y. Even
ing World.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26
Too Much Ovation.

The whistling bullets fierce refrain
Could not make him afraid;
But when he got back home again
His nerves broke down beneath the strain
When all the brass bands played.
washington Star.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26

No Other Way Known.
Patrice - Isn't that sad about our
cat?
Patience-What's that?
'Why, the poor thing was drowned"
IAN accident, I SUPPOSE"
"Of course; you never heard of cat
being drowned any other way, did
you2'-Yonkers Statesman.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26

Judge (severely)-Seems to me I've
seen your face many times before.
Prisoner-That may be true, yer
honor. used to tend bar down at
.Casey's.-N. Y. World.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26

Sarah Jane-Ho! Master took OF In
boots before he went upstairs h1e
night! know what this means, he,D
stay in bed till one o'clock and take
missus to the thester to-night-An1
Sloper.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-26

some news today u thought I'd tell
you. M own Albert, he---he's in Cuba;
they We just made him q second lieu
tenant, he went as 2 private.
~ ~ "a what p zz5.
a private. When he went away in
the old blue uniform, ! wanted you to
see him, En-, but
z albert Wilson in the army-our
army? Why, why nobody told mel" It
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25

ism has gone by. War against tor.
cign foe to which all portions of or
country contributed has destroyed sec.
tional feeling aud obiterutcd old ami
mositics In all the land the flag is
honorcd and loved. Governor Roosc-
welt said further: "The problems that
rise from year 10 year differ widely and
must be met in widely different ways
and not one of them can bc properly
solved unless we approach it with rigid
fearlcssncss and with II sincere purpose
to do justice To all men, cXacting it
from others and eXactng il no less
from ourselves" Herein Is reflected the
principle that has uniformly guided it.
author in his public career and has
given him claim to public confidence
such as few men in political life enjoy
Theodore Roosevelt is in respect to
his patriotism and his fearlcssness "A
representative American, who has
achieved distinction without resort to
merctriCious devices. lie is worthy of
all the consideration which his country
men show him
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25

! powers represented I'm the conference
| their position will have little influence
! in determining the question 1t Is
! really conference Of the leading
powers and all questions will be de
cided Ivy them with little regard for
the opinions of the representatives of
the smaller nations.
The question of arrestng naval arm
amCnt is to bc brought forward later.
and whether it is presented at all per.
haps depends upon the attitude of the
powers toward the proposal already
submitted. If this should he rejected
1t would manfestly he useless to pro-
pose n halt In naval armament. In
deed there would seem to he less prob.
ability of the success of the latter than
of the former. Germany is far more
anxious to build up its navy than to in.
crease its army and the same is true
Of France. Even Russia is not salts
fled with her present naval power.
Great Britain is not yet prepared to halt
in this direction, although her navy
is now equal to or greater than that of
any other two powers. The question,
therefore, of arresting naval armament.
If 1t should come before the convcn-
tion will very likely be decided in the
negative.
The subject which Russia undoubt-
edly regards as of first Importance is
before the conference and if the pro
posals of that government in regard to
armaments fail the result will not
necessarily reduce the probabilities
that peace will be maintained. but it
will defeat the commendable desire of
the car TO curtail the enormous burden
of taxation for military and naval
establishments.
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25
TIE MAIN QUESTION.

The cars invitation to the nations
TO join in peace conference at first
contemplated as the chief object a re-
duction of armaments. 1t soon be
coming apparent that this was an ut
terly impracticable proposition, it was
modified to a proposal for an agreement
among the powers not to increase arm
aments for term of years beyond
what had already been provided for.
The Russian representatives in the con-
ference have submitted their proposals
looking to the arrest of arlnaments,
moving that the powers enter into an
understanding for n term of say five
years, not to increase the effectiveness
of the peace footing of their forces.
with the exception of the colonial
troops and not to increase the amount
of their military budgets beyond the
present figure.
Discussion of this will begin tomor-
row and the result will be awaited with
even greater interest by the nations
chiefly concerned than has been taken
in the consideration of the arbitratio
proposals. 1t may confidently be pre-
dicted that the Russian proposal will
meet with strong opposition, notwth-
standing the fact that it contains Il
provision making an exception of the
colonial troops. 1t is very doubtful
whether Great Britain will assent to
1t, because the military men of that
country have been urging consider
able increase in the army, now far in
ferior in numbers TO the armies of the
other great powers, and they are not
likely to abandon the view that the
British standing army should be ma,
terially increased. Nor is it probable
that Germany will enter into an agree
ment not to add to her military forces
for a period of five years, for that
would be wholly contrary to the policy
which Emperor William has steadily
pursued His plan has been not
merely TO maintain the military estab-
lishment, but to gradually strengthen
it and 1t is unlikely that it has Vet
can halt this policy. AS 10 France.
much will depend upon the attitude of
Germany. The relations of France
with Russia might reasonably be SUD
posed to incline her TO support the Rus
sian proposal, but if Germany declines
10 accept 1t the French government will
almost certainly refuse its assent. The
United States will of course take no
part in the consideration of the arma-
ment question and as to the lesser
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25
src,l,u suors Ar run r,,rl

Brooklyn Eagle When q Boston pars.n
comes out in favor Of Sunday golf obs,
hope is there that sunday base ban .s,
3 be refraincd from by young men who al,
not parsons.
/ Chicago Times Herald Rev. Mr. Icif-cs
father OF the champion prizcHgh,or. saw,
the Lord was on his sons side during b,
! lattcr's recent encounter with Fitzsimmnrs
! As for the younger Jeftries, he openly de-
clares that his seconds and bottle hoItr-s
did the business for him.
Pioneer Press: \ Boston clergyman Nat,
( Just denounced Christian Science in ms,
pulpit in the most unmeasured terms He
says "Eddyism" Is fifty parts Ignorance
twenty parts blasphemy, twenty parts bust.
ness and ten parts mysticism" This 10
strong language but it is being practically
echoed by steadily growing chorus from
many directions
Chicago Post: In the case OF the Michl.
gan pastor who preached a funeral sermon
for a live man in order to crafty the Lar.
ter's curiosity 1t would be interesting to-
know the course of reasoning that led him
to lend himself to such a spectacular per.
formance 1t would hardly seem to be the
province of a clergyman to make bur.
lesque of such solemn function, and vet
it is difficult to regard it as anything else
Boston Herald The religious colony o,
Mennonites in Pennsylvania have their own
way of interpreting the will OF the Al
mighty. The general conference under
whose authority they exist recently inter
dicted the growing of tobacco or the use
of the same in any form. still the farmers
Of the colony keep right on planting to.
bacco saying that IL their industry is dis
pleasing to the Lord the tobacco will not
grow, and the outlook is for a bountitu
crop.
Springfield Republican: Men are but
children of larger growth, to be sure. One
of the outside correspondents or historians
of President McKinley's Holyoke visit dem
onstrates to his own satisfaction that the
Methodsts are not altogether pleased with
William Whiting for taking the dstn-
guished guest to his own place OF worship
the Congregational church. The president
should have been taken to his own, the
Methodist house OF worship. But one OF
the brethren rose to the occasion and il
thus quoted We've got joke on the other
church that shall never be forgotten in
Holyoke. They have requested people TO
stand as the president enters. SO it shall
ever be said that the Congregationalists rise
in homage when Methodist enters their
church" That is good Yankee wit and
Dhilosophy
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25
THEFT OF THE HOLY CARPET.
SacriIcgiOus Hands Laid Upon the
Sacred Relic of the Prophet.
New York Sun

Dispatches from Cairo report that the
holy carpet" once the property of Mo
| hammed and long guarded with pious care
| in the Egyptian capital, has fallen into the
| hands of Bedouins who attacked a caravan
| of Egyptian pilgrims while on the desert
| march between Mecca and Medina The car
pet is usually carried to Medina every year
on the great annual pilgrimage from Egypt
and is then restored to its keepers 1t is
one OF the mcst famous relics of the
| prophet, and the sacrilegious act OF the
desert nomads will arouse much feeling,
particularly in North Africa.
Mecca attracts the faithful from the en-
| tire Mohammedan world, but by far the
larger part of the pilgrims who visit Medina
| are natives of Africa. The reason is because
Medina is second in sanctity to Mecca and
visit to the tomb of the prophet at Medina
while highly meritorious, confers no honor
nor blessing which is not equalled or sur
passed by the holy fruits of the pilgrimage
| to Mecca; and few non African devotees have
the incentive to incur the sufferings and
dangers of the 2OO-mle march across the
sand waste between Mecca and Medina OF
the four orthodox secs of Islam the Mali
kites very numerous in North Africa
and large part of the pilgrims to Medina
go there not only to venerate the tomb of
the prophet Dul dlSO the TOMB OF the Imam
Malek-Ibn-Ansa, the founder of the Malikite
sect.
The bones of thousands of these pilgrims
whiten the route across the Arabian sand
waste, where they have suceumbed to heat
and fatigue or to the attacks of Bedouin
robbers. This journey has always been
among the most trying experiences OF the
pilgrim bands. Some of the Meccans have
made fortunes supplying camels and food for
the desert journey to and from the northern
city. Thirteen years ago French steam.
ship company spread the news far and wide
that thenceforth the perils of the desert
march might be avoided, The pilgrims were
advised to return from Mecca to Jiddah on
the coast, where steamers would await to
carry them 200 miles north to Jambo, whence
they might make an easy and comfortable
journey TO Medina In recent years several
thousand pilgrims have employed this easier
and cheaper route, but the majority have
chung to the old way. The Bedouins who
have committed the latest act OF sacrilege
are nominally Mohammedans, but they
neither pray nor give thanks TO Allah
They may be trusted TO place the highest
commercial value upon any sacred relic
falling into their hands.
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25

lions but II cannot prosper without mon
of educated brains" That uncducatcd
men can amaSS a fortune while the cul-
turcd man often fails in that cndeaYor
is too evident to need discussion, bur
there is also just as little room for dis.
Gifted the world the most when their
lifc's labors are over All success in
life is not measured by dollars and
cCntS-in fact, of the great benctactols
Of the human race only Il small proper
tion are called upon to leave large for
tunes behind them when they make
their physical exit from the world.
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25
THE WEST WIND.

]. A. Coll in Midland Magazine.
Blow winds, blow out OF the 'wildering
west
The west of the setting sun.
The cup that has caught the sinking light
OF all the days that are done.
Blow winds. blow out of the clouded wake
OF the sunbeams tired of play
The beams that lean on the edge OF eve
And slip in the dark away.
Blow over the cheek of painting hope,
At rest in his goalless climb
Come back from toll that doubles age
And teach US the younger time.
Chasten the lip of the bitter cup
| stained with sin of yore
And bring it back till / taste again
OF the sweets l left before.
Give birth to joy in my heart, grown old
In the history of its grief.
And death to pain while his fangs are dull,
The sting of their poison, brief.
Blow winds, blow out of the grave OF light;
Come up from the tomb of day.
And lead all the spirit lovers back
From the dreams / dreamed away.
Blow winds, but leave the sun of the cast
Not long may ] hold him guest
For he will turn with the tide of noon.
While / sink into the west.
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25
"Workinp" Uncle sam.


The war tax of s. on every first cabin
steamship ticket to Europe is etill in force
but some clever people have discovered a
way in which this burden may be lessened
The law says five dollars on every ticket"
In sporting parlance, that goes" but it does
not prevent any number of persons from,
travelling on the same ticket. A man with a
family Of ten making a trip is furnished with
one ticket for all passages and one S.
revenue stamp on its face satisfies every
one, Uncle Sam included. On the same prin-
ciple there is nothing whatever to prevent
two passengers, total strangers to each
other, meeting for the first time in the
steamship ccmpany's office, taking a ticket
in partnership at double the price OF one
and splitting the tax. That saves $3.50
apiece. And If two, why not four, or six, or
any number? The compahy's officials are
obliging in this regard, and don't care how
few tickets are made out, so long as they get
their money. Only they can't very we'll keep
a directory of persons intending to sail, in
order to oblige the lone passenger who wants
to halve his tax. It's game OF chance, and
only the regular travellers have so far
learned to profit by it.
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25
Personal AND OTHERWISE.

II the Philippine rebellion should suddenly
! subside Clay county, Kentucky, would keer
us supplied with excitement for while.
While enjoying these rare June days pru-
dence suggests that Old Sol be not pro-
voked by the remark, "Oh, you're not SO
warm"
The fact that train robber has been
convicted in Missouri is ample excuse for
the laudatory comments of the press of
the state.
Electric vehicles have been barred from
one Of the parks OF Chicago. The authors
of the edct foolishly imagine they can
check the current.
1t is a shocking waste OF good money for
Americans to go abroad in search OF relics
of feudal days while Kentuckys crop is suffi-
cient for all present needs.
Shirt waist dances" are popular fad in
Virginia towns OF course there is much
charm and animation in the waists, else
there would be no satisfaction in mussng
them.
The new governor OF South Carolina, NJ. B.
McSweeney by name, began life in Charles
ton as printers boy. He has succeeded to
the office of governor by the recent death OF
Mr.. Ellerbe.
According to a Chicago court decision
people crossing street car tracks have no
rights which motormen are bound to re-
spect. 1t is now in order to abolish grade
crossings on street railways.
The hardest thing l had to learn as an
editor" says the retiring editor of the
Chautauquan, was to say No in a kind,
whole hearted, firm way" His typewriter
must have been a back number.
George Fred Williams intimates that ex-
Senator German hasn't the ghost OF a
show for the democratic nomination.
George forgets that German is as smooth
and shifty and far more crafty than any
galvanized reminiscence OF sc.
Some men love to be spectacular, even in
death. Thomas Osmund Summers. a prom
inent citizen of st. Louis, arrayed himself
in the uniform of major of the United
States medical corps, posed before skel-
eton in the lecture room of medical col
lege and sent bullet through his brain.
The miniature railroad, locomotive and
cars which delighted young and old at the
exposition last year Is now delightng the
juvenile population Of Gotham at Central
park The road is four blocks in length
double track, and was opened for business
last Sunday, carrying 1000 passengers that
day.
new wrinkle in tornado stories comes
from New Richmond, Wis. 1t is an affidavit
properly signed and certified assuring doubt
ers that seven storm windows securely boxed
by w. McShane were unlocked by the tor
nado, turned around endwise and stacked
up evenly on top of each other. Not pane
of glass was cracked" To all OF which
McShane gleefully swears
Our late neighbor and pugnacious friend,
Blanco, is still working his voice for war
The ex-governor general of Cuba is what
Artemus Ward would call IAN amoosin'
warrior" About this time last year his
thirst for gore was so great that he ordered
Cervera to his DOOM forced a useless sacri-
flee of life at Santiago and boldly ran away
from Havana before the end came Evil
IDENTIFY he has not yet sacrificed all his mil
itary enemies.
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25
KEN TUCkY BOTRBONS,

That a bourbon never learns anything
and never forgets anything is pro-
verbal But of all the bourbons the
Kentucky bourbon learns the least and
forgets the most.
This fact is again attested by the
stupid utterances of the platform
adopted by the Kentucky bourbons in
| their distracted and protracted state
convention. After reatfirming every
word and syllable of the Chicago plat
form the Kentucky bourbons proclaim
| their faith in bimetallism and declare
that it is vindicated by events. They
furthermore assert that the present
| legal ratio of Is to l is the only ratio at
which bmetallism can be restored and
pledge themselves to secure its restora-
| ton without the aid or consent of any
other nation.
| How anybody endowed with common
sense and reasoning power can make
himself or any one else believe that
events have vindicated the free coinage
fallacy passes comprehension. The free
coinage advocates asserted three years
ago that the country was ruined by the
maintenance of the gold standard and
that commercial and financial distress
would be multiplied unless the mints
were at once thrown open to the free
and unlimited coinage of silver. Events
have not vindicated these gloomy pre-
dictions. The gold standard is still in
effect and the country more prosperous
than ever.
The free silver agitators asserted that
wheat and silver were inseparably
linked and that bushel of wheat and
an ounce of silver would always ex-
change everywhere and anywhere.
Have events vindicated that prophecy?
Has wheat not been up over dollar,
while silver was down below GO cents
an ounce? AS matter of fact wheat
and silver parted company long ago and
have been going up and down the price
ladder regardless of each others move
ments.
The free coinage advocates declared
positively that there was not gold
enough in the world to do its business
on the gold standard. How have events
indicated that forecast? Everybody
out of Kentucky and in Kentucky
knows that more business is being
transacted in America and in all the
world than ever before and that it is
being done on the gold standard basis
and without the slightest dearth of gold
coin. Quite to the contrary, gold is
almost drug on the money market and
the bankers pay it out to customers in
preference to paper money.
Equally absurd with the assertion
that events have vindicated the free
coinage prophecies is the claim that 16
to l is the only ratio at which the two
metals can be kept at parity. Where
is the basis for such conclusion? Is
16 to l II sacred formula? Were not
gold and silver coined by the United
States at the ratio of 10 to | up to 1891
for more than thirty years? Is not true
bimetallism the coinage of two metals
at their commercial exchange value?
If so why have not the Japanese struck
the right ratio in 81 to 1, by which they
are enabled to exchange their gold and
silver coins without artificial imitation
of either?
Omaha daily bee., 1899-06-25
nI,srs rnoM nAM's uoRN.

Affections arc the roots Of life.
Large doors swing on very small hinges,
4 man who ia full Of faith is always faith.
ful.
II is not the length. but the depth OF
life that tells.
The grace Of sympathy is purchased at tho
ccst OF suffering.
Slow progress on the mountain side may
indicate rapid ascent
The devil fans the flames OF passion and
warns himself at the fire
He who drifts to ruin will get there Just
as surely as he who drives,
The work of this world is done by men
who have faith in another world.
He who is codly Indifferent to the veal
Of this world is likely to be warmly inter-
estcd I'm the woe Of the next.