Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1899-08-31
CHAMP CLARK : LETTER
Noted Members of the Re-
publican Happy F amily.
QUEER IDEAS THEY HOLD.
Senator Chandler Expects Self
'Efacement of Mark Hanna.
HOW MANEIY SKINNED GAGE.

Some Comments on the State of At
fairs In Ohio, Where Chandler Ex-
poets Harmony TO Prevail In the G.
o. p. Ranks--Dick and Mclean In
Their Little GubernatoriaI Contro-
versy-Joseph d. sayreS, the Heroic
Trust Hunter From Texas - His
Splendid Character and Career.
Especial Washington letter.
/ dote on optimists They are bless
ings to mankind 1t is better to look
upon the world through rosy than
through yellow spectacles. AS an opti-
mist Senator William E. Chandler not
only takes the cake, but swipes the en-
tire bakery. If national fair for op-
timists should be held, Chandler would
walk off with the blue ribbon, dead
sure pop. Recently he was asked If
he thought the Republicans would win
in the next presidential election, where
upon he made this astounding reply
Yes, but certain things will be neces-
sary. There must be harmony in Ohio,
with eonciliation and self effacement
on the part of Mr.. Hanna Yes, oh, yesl
But isn't that about the most optimistic
sentence ever utteredY 1t may be that
some time, somewhere, somehow, some
banqueter in the sna', wee hours OF
the morning has expressed as preposter-
Gus a hope as that there will be har-
mony in Ohio though doubt it exceed
ingly, but surely no such vain desire
ever before was cherished in a human
heart as Chandler's to the effect that
Marcus A. Hanna. American Warwick,
will efface himself! Senator Chandler
might as well expect Neptune to sur
render his trident, Jove his power to
thunder, Secretary Long his beloved
Sampson or the devil his horns and
hoofs and tail. He might as reasona-
bly, expect mother to sacrifice her
child, she bear her cub or the
civil service commission the ambi-
tion to run the whole show. He might
as well ask goldbugs not to perform a
work of supererogation in suggesting
platforms and nominees for the Demo
Gratis or Governor Roosevelt not to be
jealous of General Fred Funston
am not well up on transeendental
philosophy as it is propagated in Bos-
ton, but | have somewhere read that
its leading feature is to seek the un-
attainable". Perhaps that cult has
sloshed over into New Hampshire and
found a distinguished convert in Sen
aIor Chandler, for certainly since the
morning stars srst sang together no
philosopher has sought any thing more
unattainabie than that Ar. Hanna
should efface himself The idea Of
perpetual motion is not wilder dream
than New Hampshires senior senator
is dreaming as TO Mr. Hanna No, no,
senator, you are raising to borrow
a New England word, / guess you
know what raising" means you are
raising" the Boston transcendentalists
in seeking the unattainable.
"Bind the sea to slumber Silly,
Bind it's odor TO the lily,
Bind tile aspen nee to quiver,
Then bind Mark TO effaee himself.
Some Parallel Contingencies
Perish the thought! Canst thou. o
optimistic senator. imagine a contin-
geney in which the late Hon P. Il.
Barnum would have relinquished the
glorious privilege of advertising him
self as proprietor of -'the greatest show
ON earth?" No; and neither viii Mark
'sefface" himself as the sole manager
of the Republican circus. And doesn't
he hold that position by indefeasible
titleto wit, by right of purchase?
o confding, optimistic Williami
Can you keep the bee from ranging
Or the ringdoye's neck from changing?
No more can you keep Mark from
occupying the center of the Republican
stage until the American people ring
down the curtain forever on the Re
publican show.
To Senator Chandler and others who
think that too much Hanna is kill
ing the Republican party and who are
inducing insomnia by trying to devise
ways and means of disposing of Mark,
cheerfully commend this excerpt
from Job:
Canst thou draw out leviathan with hook OF
his tongue with cord which thou lettest down2
Canst thou put hook in his nose or bore his
jaw with a thorn? Win he make suppiicstions
unto thee2 VIII he speak soft words unto thee?
Will he make covenant with thee2 Wilt thou
take him for a servant forever? Wilt thou play
with him as with a bird? Shall thy companions
make a banquet OF him? Shall they part him
among the merchants7 Canst thou fill his skin
with barbed irons or his head with fish spears5
am sorry to say that that great and
good man, Hon. Lyman ]. Gage, who
rated" to the Republicanism in 1896
in order to obtain the portfolio of
secretary of the treasury, is not a
bowling success as a eontroversialist.
Au contraire, as the French would say,
he is most complete and dismal fail
ure. Recently he had set to with
Hon. George McAneny, secretary of the
National Civil Service Reform league,
and now, sad to relate. Lyman is minus
most of his cuticle and laid up for
repairs, applying arnica to his sore
spots. 1t may be that arnica win not
cure him, and his physicians may have
to resort to-skin grating to make him
again presentable Hereafter, when
Lyman desires the hide of civil serv-
ice reforner he ought to do as Mark
Hanna did during the civil war-i. e.,
hire him a substitute. / can suggest one
to him who has had large experience In
fiaying civil service reformers. His
name is General Charles Henry Grosye-
nor, my grim old lion OF Athens"
He's an expert. Charles Henry is, and
his knife Is always whettcd to a feath-
er edge There's only one trouble about
Lyman's securing his services as a
dermatologist, and that is that Gen
eral Grosyenor is whole hog Re
publican and has no particular affec-
tion for new converts converted at the
high price Of cabinet portfolios.
Whether he has yet admitted Lyman
to full fellowship do not know, but II
he has Charles Henry is the man that
Lyman ] is in search of,
shors 0n Discretion.
The trouble with Lyman was that he
was short on discretion and long de-
cidedIy long on zeal lii fact. he ex
hibited the proverbial zeal Of brand
new convert, d thing which has here
tofore brought better men than ne to-
grief. Lyman. rushing IN where vet