The Portland daily press., 1899-03-02
A QUEER NEWSPAPER.
The Ostrich Of Cornwall and Its Ec-
centric Publisher.

4 Journal That Exists In Optimism and
Devotion to . nsseste Cause.-The Paper
Gr.tuitously Disrributed, but 1t and the
Editor Are Sustained by Donations.
In the heart Of Cornwall there is pub
fished and read q newspaper perhaps the
most peculiar in all the world This is
The Ostrich. and II tho news of the day,
Its murders, crimes and sensations should
shock you or offend your nervous system
The Ostrich is the very paper for you to
read.
To begin with, this singular Cornish
journal Is printed on a delightful pale
rose colored paper. 1t has a great and ever
gaining circulation. Throughout Corn
wall you see It everywhere. From Plym-
outh to Lands End genial old squires
and parsons merry eyed maids, specialized
elderly ladies', young bloods In cricket
hannels or hunting brooches, farmers.
fishermen and laboers may be seen peace
fully perusing these rose hued pages Ara
every ono can soc that the faces of Ostrich
readers possess a settled look of placidity,
Just as II nothing In the world could dis
turb them.
oHI ShAa tilt VI u CiiAtttisT
hotel, 1.-THE Ostrich is wonderful paper.
1t settles the nerves and brings back
health and happiness. All people coming
from the large towns seeking rest should
read IL. 1t Is a boon for the nervous"
One opens The Ostrich, and the first
thing noticeable is that certain words in
the text are printed in large, heavy type;
words like happy, good, e, saved, success,
health, peace, beautiful, amiable-all the
pages are crowded with them, so that they
give the impression of being a kind of op-
timist chart, pointing out all that is good
and beautiful on the earth. Short sighted
people. holding Tho newspaper at a yard s
distance, will only DO able to see these
agreeable words, and besides this, in the
ordinary text, all words like death, mis-
fortune, sickness, pain arc carefully avoid
ed. In the entire paper, one column ex
cepted, not disagreeable word is printed.
The system of the publisher is based on
the science of suggestiveness As most
people are easily influenced, the perusal Of
a page of this rose colored paper, with its
hundreds of pleasant words, may readily
bring the reader to a state of mind in
which he begins distinctly to see the world
through rose colored glasses
The paper is appropriately called The
Ostrich. A little picture in the middle of
the heading represents this famous bird
burying its head in the sand and appar-
entity feeling well content in doing so.
The motto of the paper is Even of Truth
One-half Is Falsehood. This paper sums
up all that has happened in the world
twice weekly-in not more than six col
umns-politics, elections, accidents, art
and literature Everything is treated by
The Ostrich in these columns from his
special viewpoint.
The first column bears tho title, "What
Would S. II. D. Say TO It?" s. II. ID.
stands for Sir Humphry Davy, who was
born in Penzance and has monument
there. This great Christian and chem
list, as The Ostrich calls him, the in
ventor of the safety lamp, is the model OF
all human beings, the yardstick with
which everything is measured. In this
column one finds all sorts of news, and
every item with commentary. For in
stance: "At a banquet at Birmingham
Lord Salisbury declared that the situation
of the Armenians was indeed such as de-
manded serious consideration Is. II. ID.
would say: The consideration only be-
comes serious by Lord Salisbury's calling
1t So There may be less in the matter
than one would expecto" Or, "The potato
beetle Is again making himself nuisance
on our coast (not in n ormandy, for there
they have no potato harvest at all this
yearl S. II, d."
The second column is called 1.-THE De-
mented of Tomorrow. In 1t al mpor-
tant political news is commented upon and
corrected, for tho motto of the paper is
Even of Truth One-half Is Falsehood, "
and most of the corrections of The Ostrich
are sound. Besides, If he makes a mis-
take, it does not matter His aim is
reached at all events, for news that bears
the heading "Demented' is doubted and
has lost its exciting quality.
Still more important is the third coll
umn, "How Docs This Concern Mef" In
it one finds the greatest wisdom of The
Ostrich. 1t contains all the news from
foreign countries, and the reader general
ly sympathizes in unconcern with the pub
Usher, for what is 1t TO him whether Pres
ident Morales or Immorales reigns on the
La Plata river or whether Stambuloff has
been sentenced by unjust judges or just
assassins, or vice versa? That should all
be of no consequence to him If he cares for
his nerves.
The other columns are called "Nothing
Is Eaten as Hot as -" And If Sog"
and 1--WE Do Not Believe In It."
This last one is very important, as it
contains all terrible accidents, shipwrecks,
earthquakes, famine, and so forth, The
Ostrich does not believe in such things.
The man who has invented this peculiar
newspaper is John Gillis For several
years he was n schoolteacher, published
some pamphlets, and then became jour
nalist. He studied the people of London
and Bristol and gradually formed his
opinion of what would be appropriate for
their health doing it from purely human
itarian principles, for he is now crazy
enough to distribute his paper gratuitous-
ly. The hotel keepers and other interested
readers pay him whatever they like for it.
His subscribers have built him a beautiful
little cottage ON Tilcotts Head, all over
grow with red fuchsias and with window
panes shining like the lanterns of beacon.
1t is called 1.-THE Ostrich cottage"
Among the subscribers are Gladstone,
HE Princess Of Teck and Sir Arthur Sui
Ivan.
With one assistant Mr.. ellis makes up