davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
sPENceRS THICK AS SERIES.
The Keeper Had Heard That Story
 Many Times Before.

The Keeper Had Heard That Story
 Many Times Before.
 A half-yearly meeting of the direc. vate asylum had just broken up, and Lord Spencer, a member of that body, desiring to reach AlthOrp Park some what more quickly than customarily, determined to return home by a route which intersectS the grounds of the asylum, and which is rarely used save as a summer parade for the unfortu- nate lunatics, says Wit and Wisdom Arrived at the gate which separates the asylum from the outer world, Lord Spencer, much to his annoyance and dis gust, found it securely locked. A keep CT, however, happening to come in sight just at that moment, Lord Spen- cer lost no time in explaining to him the nature of his wishes.
 The man surlily replied that his or ders were to the effect that no one should pass through that glte except due notice were given to him by the au- thQrities, and that, being a married man with a wife and large family, he failed to understand what special advantage was to be gained by trans gressing the rules and thus placing his situation in jeopardy. Observing that the fellow was growing Obdurate, Lord Spencer thought it was best to reveal his name and rank, imagining that knowledge of the same would recall the man to his senses. Nothing of the sort happened, however.
 The stolid features of the keeper sim ply relaxed into broad grin, and as he turned to depart he gently explained that Lord Spencers in that particular locality were as plentiful as blackber- ries in the autumn time. Explanations and approximations were usless, the dis comfiteG earl being forced to return the way he had come.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

Six hours in the schoolroom racking over hard problems and reciting the alf-learned lessons in fear of censure, four hours more of study at home while the weary little mind wanders to the playground to which the body is not permitted to go for the elixir pre- scribed by nature. All this is done with the purpose of crowding more ed ucation than formerly into the school years of the average child. The at tempt might as we'll be abandoned. Too much of modern school systems consist of a process of tanning hard facts into little heads until either the head bursts or the contents become jumbled into a confused mass.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Where the shah Sits.

The Shah of Persia owns the most valuable arm chair in the world. It is of solid gold, inlaid with precious stones. At one time some of the stones were stolen from one of the legs of the chair. and the indignant Shah ordered the arrest of a number of his servants and held the keeper responsible for the loss, with the intimatiOn that if the thief were not discovered, the keeper would be beheaded. The culprit be- ing eventually found. was forthwith beheaded and his head carried on a pole by the imperial bOdy-guard through the streets of Teheran.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
YnIue of Comma.

A Prussian school inspector appeared at the office of the burgomaster of a lit tie town to ask him to accompany him on a tour of inspection through the schools.
 The burgomaster was out of sorts, and was heard to mutter to himself:
 What is this donkey here again forE"
 The inspector said nothing, but wait ed his time, and with the unwilling burgomaster set out on his tour
 At the first school he announced his wish to see bow we'll punctuation was taught.
 ''Oh, never mind that, grumbled the burgomaster. "We don't care for commas and such trihes.
 But the inspector sent boy to the blackboard and ordered him to write:
 1.-The burgomaster of R. says, the iD- spector is donkey"
 Then he ordered him to transpose the comma, placing it after R., and to in- sert another one after inspector, and the boy wrote:
 ''The burgomaster of R., says the in- spector, is donkey"
 It is probable that the refractory off, cial gained a new idea of the value of "commas and such trihes. ''
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Chronic Fault Finders.

AS a rule, the people who think 1t clever to admire nothing and enjoy nothing, are not amply lowered either by nature or fortune. There was once a young man who said he could write proverbs which would equal SolomOn's. "Try a few" said friend. And that young man has yet to produce his first proverb. I dare say you have heard of the fault-finder who was looking into the shop window of a naturalist and called a man out to tell him that he had stuffed an owl very poorly, and to explain how very differently 1t should have been done. When he was find ing fault with the bird and declaring it had been stuffed so as to look quite unnatural, the owl turned its head and winked at the fault-fnder-for it was alive! Do not be too quick to pick flaws in the work of others. Are you quite sure you could have done as well yourself?
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Dickens Was '.Loud."

In the memoir of the late J. H. Fris- well there is a glimpse of Dickens which will seem familiar to those Americans who remember the some what hamboyant dress of the novelist. "On one occasion, wrote the author of the "Gentle Life, " ''we were walk ing down Wellington street and just passing the office of Household Words when hanson cab stopped and out stepped a gayly dressed gentleman. His bright green waistcoat and vivid scarlet tie any one would have noticed, but the size of the nosegay in his buttonl4olo riveted my attention. My father intro duced me, and l, who had only seen engravings of the Maclise portrait and photographs, was astOnished to find myself face to face with Charles Dick ems"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

In the old parable the harvester who began work at dawn and he who came at the eleventh hour each received a days wages-one penny. Britannla's new postal system is based on the same elastic plan. The penny stamp which carries a letter across the street in Lon don will carry 1t to Hong Kong on the other side of the globe, or to forty -four other parts of the British Empire. One could hardly ask a penny to go farther or to accomplish more.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

On the day of Senator Morrilrs fun eral 1t first became generally known in Washington that Representative Ding ley of Maine, the chairman of the Ways and Means Committee of the House, and the Republican leader on the floor. had been taken i'll with pneumonia. Two weeks from that day both houses of Congress adjourned after the read ing of the journal, on account of his death. Both of these men came from the same section of country, but be- longed to the whole nation Unlike Senator Morrill,, MT. Dingley 6Ied at the time of his greatest activity as a public man. No member of the House was laden with more cares and respon- abilities. Even the hours that should have been given to recreation, MT. Dingley devoted to public affairs. Among men on the floor of Congress who have become eminent without be- ing eloquent orators, MT. Dingley stood first; and no man ever owed less to ar tifcial aids. His information was so exhaustive and his habit of mind so exact that his associates pinned their faith" to his opinion, and his political opponents gave him sincere respect. Men of solid qualities like his survive in the regret and gratitude of their
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

A statement of losses in this country by embezzlements, fOrgeries, bank wreckings, and the like, during the year 1898 gives an aggregate of to- ward six million dollars. Only twenty one thousand dollars of the amount is credited to the postmaSterS. In the great company of the officials thus commissioned, temptation to steal Government property made few con quests. It is of course a blot on our public service record if any office hold CT proves faithless, but with large op- portunity for wrong-doing, the delin- Quents are the rare exceptions to the rule of honest men serving the Gov ernment industriously and with no dis position to plunder the people.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

At a recent competition in designs for book covers in London, prizes were awarded for two which had been sub- mltted by Miss Matthews. It was not until some time afterWard that it was revealed that Miss Matthew's was the Princess Victoria of Wales, daughter of the heir apparent to the British throne. None of the other com petitors. nor the judges. nor any of her own family, had any idea that she was among the competitors.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
EncouraRement,

Young Author-What did you think of the story had in the Tamala Maga- zine last month.
 Miss AIiffkins-It was the best one you have ever written-at least 800 words shorter than any of the others, should say.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

'It does not pay to spend two thou sand dollars on a twO-dOllar boy" a Western father once observed to Pres ident Eliot of Harvard University. True! but as each boy may ticket him. self with his own value, the conclusion is just enough.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO-
 INGS HERE AND THERE.
Jokes and Jokelets that Are Supposed to Have Been Recently Born-Sayings and Doings that Are odd, Curious and Laughab1e-The Weeks Humor.
Making Allowances.

Don't you admire Wagner" asked the young woman who is fond of mu- sic.
 "Yes," answered the young man with wide ears; "he was all right for his day. But we can't form fair estimate of what he might have done if he had had the chance Rag time wasn't in- vented when he wrote. ."-Washington Star.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

Profane swearing, the Mississippi Su- preme Court has just affirmed, includes the use of the word "damn," unaccOm- panied by any other expression, and is subject to a fine. No other source of revenue would be needed by the State if that law was strictly enforced.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
His Game.

of his dogs and his guns and his other hunting paraphernalia, doesn't hep
 "Yes, and it's very foolish of him to do so, too. Why, he never killed any thing in his life that know of"
 "Oh, then you didn't hear about that guide he laid low last fall"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Rarely.

"What kind of workingman are you?" asked the easy one, after giving up the dime Common laborer?
 Nav" said Dismal Dawson. "Un- common. Indianapolis Journal.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

race long after their lives here have ended. The title of Great Commoner" applied 10 Pitt may not cling to MT. Dingley, but his public service goes far to establish his claim to it. He was strong In the beauty of his life, strong in his sagacity and sense of right, strong in the breadth and accuracy of his knowledge; and his strength is the lustre of his history. His death is a loss to his country.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
UnhopefuI,

'I wonder if satisfactory solution of the Philippine question will be dis covered" remarked the unbiased pa triot.
 Ut has been discovered" replied the friend who is always arguing on poli- tics. But" he added, with a sigh, q don't suppose I'll be any more success full than usual in getting the govern ment to pay attention to my discov. ery."-WashingtOn Star.
 The wages of sin defies alike the hard times and mOnopolies.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
The Foreigner,. Mistake.

The foreigner-What happy people Americans must be! I can tell as much by their springy, buOyant step.
 The citizen-That ain't any sign. They've contracted the cake walk hab- it; that's ll.-Indianapolis Journal
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
A Discouraginp sigu.

"How is your son getting along with his literary work, MT. Rockingham?
 'I don't believe he's maxim much headway. Nobody ain't accused him of stealth any of his writin's from any body else, so guess they can't amount to much"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
In the Dark.

Wife (ominously)-I know where you were last night, sir!
 Husband drritably)-Then why don't you tell me? Can't you see Pm in no mood to be kept in suspense ?-Detroit Iournal
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
DemoraIiZed.

'I can't see what could have caused some of that canned goods to turn out so badly" said an army contractor.
 Neither do l." answered his partner, unless it was the language some of those officers may have used in its pres ence. ce."-Washington Star.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

A contributor to a current magazine wants to know eff engagements should ever be broken off," It seems to de- pend very largely on whether broken engagements or divorces are considered the more objectionable.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

Mir. Towels ought not to worry about the destiny of the letter "R" in litera- ture. What is wanted IS a sweeping reform which will prevent the misuse of the other twenty-five letters.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

Supposing it's true that all the mean acts of his life come before a drown ing man, with some men there wouldn't be time for this if 1t wasn't a slow daafh
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
No Cause for Alarm,

"It is feared in some quarters that the letter R will soon become obsolete"
 "Oh, there's no need to worry on that score. As long as the jOke-writers and the oyster survive the R will remain"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

The English language needs revision. It's often said of men they're mot worth a row of pins" when pins have heads that prevent their going too far,
 besides having good points other ways.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

It is estimated that "60,000 persons die every year in this country from talk ing poisonous medicines" but this must be a mistake. A person usually dies only once.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Hard Lines.

Sprogles-I used to think my face was my fortune, but I've got over that idea.
 Bingle-What has changed your mind?
 Sprogles-I was on one of those juries when the bribing was done, but the fel- lows with money didn't approach me, because, as I have just learned, they thought had too honest a face.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
The Boy and the Hnre.

A pleasant story of the Duke of Dev- onshire comes from Chatsworth. He was strolling. gun in hand, through one of his own fields near Baslow when he started hare, which he shot, and was going to pick it up when small boy jumped out of neighboring hedge and warned him off "Here, meester," cried the small boy peremptorily. "yo' must nae touch that. '
 "Why not?" asked the duke, amused. seeing that he was not recognized.
 .'Why, it s tn dukes :" answered the boy, 'an he'll have you locked up if he knows. !"
 "OhI" said his grace. "Then will you take charge of itH"
 "Aye, that I will, answered the boy promptly. "Me fayther's a keeper"
 Half an hour afterward the boy and the hare arrived in the kitchen at Chats worth The duke had taken short cut home and had the boy brought to him. The little chap was dumb with terror when he learned what mistake he had made. but the duke gave him shil- ling piece, called him "a good lad" and sent him away rejoicing.
 Messages by Vibration.
 Curiously enough. the fact appears, according to recent traveller among the Indians of Catuquinarn. between the rivers Embryo and Embyrasu. that those people have long employed wire less telephony, but rather after the or der of unwritten science.
 It is made by digging a hole in the ground inside house and laying the bottom with coarse sand, we'll piled On this is laid wooden drum or hol- low cylinder of wood. half filled with fine sand and layers of broken wood. bone and powdered mica-the upper part of the cylinder. which is empty, rising above the floor of the hut and closed first by leather, then by wood. and lastly by india rubber. Outside. the cylinder is packed round with frag ments of wood, leather and resins, and covered with hard rubber at the level of the soil
 To use this peculiar apparatus the drum is struck by wooden hammer. and the vibration is evidently transmit ted through the soil The answer is heard in the drum, which acts as resOnator, and messages are thus sent over 1. 800 yards from house to house.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
A StickIer for Svstem.

The Judge-You are charged with systematically rObbing your employer.
 The Defaulter-Well, I believe in do- Ing things systematically.-Puck.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
A Faithful Follower.

The Saint-Well, do you want to come in or don't you?
 The Simpleton-Thanks, old chap, but I think I'll wait and see what the deah pwince is going to do, ye know Exchange.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Like Father. Like Son.

Mother-Johnny, you go right to bed.
 Johnny-Yessum, but you bet yer life when l get big I'll join a club like pa belongs to and then I won't have t go t bed at all If I don't want to-Jewish Comment.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
He ExDlaius,

Mrs. Peck-Henry, what is this man1- fest destiny they've been talking about? What does it mean?
 MT. P.-Well, to give you a honely illustration, it was a case of manifest destiny when you set your cap for me.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
USeIeaS Trouble.

"PrOf. Garner is going back to Africa to study the monkey language"
 "Pshaw! Why does he go to so much trouble? Can't he get into any of the golf clubs?"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

According to the automobile people after the horse is stolen or otherwise disposed of the stable won't be locked, but instead used as a repository for those vehicles.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
They Sometimes Do

"Clothes, you must remember, do not make the man."
 That's where you're wrong. 1 have known many a man whose wife's clothes made him hustle like the dick ems"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
The West Pointer.

What a peculiar bronchial trouble young Chevrons has? He creaks every time he breathes."
 Pooh! That's his new corsets. Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Long Parted.

Young Lobbylounger-Have you seen Mile. Charmli, the new premiere dans- euse?
 Old Greybeard-Not since I was a boy.-BostOn Traveller.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Making Out a Case.

Lawyer-UpOn what grounds do you wish to sue for divorce?
 Client-IncOmpatibility of tempera- ment! He writes poetry, and I like to eat ccasionally.-Puck.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

In the matrimonial game the man who weds an heiress expects to be checkmated.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Proved.

Briggs-Did you ever try to write down all the utterly senseless things that came into your head?
 Griggs- Haven't I been engaged?-Detroit Free Press.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Something Wrong.

"This orchard picture is a beach," ex- claimed the enthusiastic studio visitor
 But 1 intended it for an apple or chard," said the artist, plaintively.- Detroit Free Press.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

The formation of a bridge trust would indicate that these things hay ing occupied all the land are now try ing to get over the water.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

With seedless grapes and oranges al ready a success, in time science may proceed so far as to produce a seedless appendicitis.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

''The usefulness of tears is an estab- llshed fact" says the New York Jour nal. Every married man knows that.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Missouri and Indiana Corncobs.

Corncob pipes are made by the cal load in Missouri, and sell for 25 to 27 cents per bushel. The industry is also an important one in Indiana, and one factory at Brightwood turns out be tween 4,OOO and 5000 a day.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Knew Them,

PrOfesSor-Name the bones of the skull.
 Student-Why-er-I've got 'em all in my head, but can't just think of the names, sir-BostOn Traveller.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Reminiscent.

MT. SlowbOy-I never jump at con- clusions.
 Mrs. Slowboy-It is unnecessary for you to tell me that. Probably the only jump you ever made in your life was when papa reached for you that time on the steps.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Always the Onno,ite.

Lusher-YOu can never tell what a woman means by what she says.
 Gusher-YeS?
 Lusher-I got in at 4 the other morn ing, and my wife said: "A nice hour for you to come home, isn't it?-New York Journal.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
In the Sanctun.

"We want another quarter column for first page"
 Well, you can either kill the Elm perOr of China again, or relate an anec~ dote of Dewey."-Puck.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Natural.

Magistrate-YOu say the defendant turned and whistled to the dog. What followed?
 Intelligent witness-The dog.-Bos. ton Traveller.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Some Other Ma1adx.

'T have dyspesia, but you never hear me growl about it."
 "Never grOwl about 1t? We'll, then, you haven't got it."-Chicago Record.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
All the Same to Her.

'In one respect every woman is am- bidextrous."
 How do you maks that out?" "She can throw just as we'll with her left hand as with her right"
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Didn't Want Much.

Dottng mamma-Rodney, dear, to- morrow is your birthday. What would you like best?
 Rodney dear (after brief season of cOgitation)-I think I'd like to see the schOolhouSe burn doWn.-Puck.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Found Space at Last.

Wig-Is it so that Rhymers has for saken the muse and taken to studying astronomy?
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29
Everything Utilized.

eve are terribly cramped for space In our fiat"
 That sop
 "Yes; we even have to use the fam fly skeleton for a hatrack. ."-Chicago' Record.
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

Wife-Very we'll, George, if you will go shooting mind, if you get blown to bits don't come home running to me for sympathy! !-EXchange
The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-29

Wag-Yes, poor fellow; he couldn't find space anywhere else, you know Philadelphia Record.
Daily independent. [volume] (Elko, Nev.) 188?-1915, 1899-06-02
POOR ENGLISH ARMY BOOT.
This Account Says They Have Made
Tommy Atkins Feet His
Weakest Part.

1t costs $3.50 to make an efficient SOL
s;ier and another $3.50 a year to keep
him i'll good going condition. BY the
time Tommy Atkins is thoroughly
nroken in ne may be worth anything
up to $5.CCO or $4,000 by the crd Of his
seven years service. Mr.. Atkins is,
therefore,, one of his country's most
-:iuahlc assets. One man in 80 in the
nrny belongs to the medical service
md is devoted TO keeping the rest
..OuTG and well.
The weakest part of Thomas Atkins
: his feet
And pretty well 90 per cent. of the
cases in which soldiers have had to fall
lick or fall out are due to the perennial
trouble between the army boot and the
army foot. The Salisbury plain man.
"uver> set the seal Oh this fact and all
utter measures having failed. the au-
'hc''t!eS have now decided to make
'rlNate Atkins his own chiropodist.
First Of all, half n dozen officers of
The army medical corps have been
trained at Aldershot in chiropody. and
hey III their turn. will proceed to i'm
part the whole art and mystery of car
ing Tor the feet to IS or more sergeants
OF infantry regiments. whose stay in
NIdershot with their battalions will
certainly eXcred six months. The SER
geants next. having received u lectures
arranged Ey the medical staff at Alder
shot, and passed an examination there
on. will be told off to exercise their
lnowledg" in their own regiments; in
other words, they will become RESPONSE
ne ICY the treatment OF all cases of
feet in their regiments.
Each of the lectures will be accom-
.nnicG' by practical demonstrations by
professional chiropodist. From in
rcrvicws with those in authority & re-
Porter was enabled to obtain the lGain
points of indictment against the pres
mt army boot rs issued by the war Of
lice. 1t is mGchine-sewn article to all
infantry regiments except those of the
highland brigades, which are hand
sewn shoes, and the difference is most
marked. One great fault in the army
boot is that it is not straight enough
on the inner side. The toe of the boot
IS decidedly pointed, and as a result the
mems toes arc cramped. while there is
no give or spring in the boot; the soles
and uppers are far too stiff ard tendons
OF the foot are not used, consequently
the foot cramps and the man falls out,
or II he perScvcrcs he. docs himself scri-
GUS inJury.-London Leader.