The St. Johns herald., 1899-05-27
Sall(2l9 A(99|RI1ssE


 ''Wat dug yer nanny give yer wher yer kitches a cold, JimEie?" "A lick in'."-Cleveland Plain; Dealer.
 Telephone girls ought to make good wives" "Why?" ''They get in the habit of not speaking unless they are spoken to-"
 She-"What Is meant by the saying that a man is conyalescing" He That he has outwitted his doctor, l suppose. ."-Topeka Capital.
 '"The single-scull racew exclaimed an old lady, as she laid down the paper. My gracious! didn't know there was race of men with double sculls!"
 Baggs-"It is said that Dame For tune knocks once at every mans door" Jaggs-"Well, 1t was her daughter, Miss Fortune, who called on me."-Boston Traveller.
 McLuberty-Ofd loike to take a trip Sure, thot wud be foine! McLubberty -Yis; but t'ink av the cost av gittin' home ag'inLPuck.
 What is firmness. father?" "Firm- ness, my boy, is obstinacy In our selves" And what is obstinacy!' 'Obstinacy is firmness in somebody else. e."-Chicago Evening Post l Osmond-"Well, thank heaven. you have never seen me run after people who have m0hey." Desmond No; but I've seen people run after you be- cause you didn't have money. Life.
 "I had supposed. until yesterday, doctor, that the days of the bleeding of patients were past" And so they are. But what changed your mindT ''The bill you sent me" e."-Harper's Weekly.
 Maud-"I think it perfectly disgrace full! Her f1ance hadn't been dead six weeks when she married the other man." Mabel-"But you know her trousseau would have soon gone out of fashion."-Bazar.
 "YOu ought, like us, to have holidays in honor of your great men," said the Russian beauty. But In the American year," said the major, there are only three hundred and sixty-tive days."- Philadelphia Press.
 She-"Do you know there's something about you which reminds me of Ger vera's fleet while 1t was bottled up at Santiago" He-"Indeed! What is it?'' She-"Your mustache. It's such long time in coming out" "-Chicago News.
 Old Lady-"Now, porter, you're quite sure you've put all my luggage in?- the big portmanteau and" Porter "All right num-" Old Lady-"And you're certain I've not left anything be- hind" Porter-"No, mum, not even a copper."-Tit Bits.
 Bridget-"There's a man in the par Tor wants to see you, sir" MT. Ardup -"I'll be there in minute. Ask him to take a chair" Bridget-"Sure, sir, he says he's going to take all the furni- ture. He's from the installment com pany."-Brooklyn Life.
 Patent medicine proprletor-Hereaf- ter all testimonials must be accOmpan- fed by orders for at least half dozen bottles of medicine. Clerk-Yes, sir. Patent medicine proprietor-If these people want to see their names in print they ought to pay for it.-Puck.
 What did Colonel Stilwell say about the branded peaches we sent to cheer his convalescence" "He said he was afraid he wasn't strong enough to eat the fruit" replied the little girl. "but that he appreciated the spirit in which 1t was sent. Washington Star.
 MT. Wigsby-See here, my love, there is some mistake; the baggage delivery man has left seven trunks on our front I porch. Mrs. Wigsby (who has just re- turned from the mOuntains)-Imbecile! Don't you understand? He's coming back after dark for the extra five.- Cleveland Plain Dealer.
 Wife (with determined air)-I want | to see that letter. Husband-What let | ter? Wife-That one you just opened. I know by the handwriting it Is from A woman, and you turned pale when you read 1t. I will see it, sir! Give it | to me, siri Husband-Here it is. It's your milliner's bill.-Tit-Bits.
 "You think this man had been drink ing" said the cross-examining attor- ney: "did he appear to have more than he could carry" "rll not say that" re- piled the cautious witness; but do think that he would have been wiser to have gone twice after it."-Detroit Free Press.
 Uncle (to nephew playing the game of war with a companion of his own age)-If you take the fortress within A quarter of an hour I'll give you a dime. Youngster Ia minute later)-Un- cle. the fortress is taken; now let me have the dime. Uncle-How did you | manage it so quickly? Youngster-l offered the besieged nickel and they capitulated.
 Fashionable lady member of parish church (to poor old wOman)-"We have got A fine new organ now into our church, and 1t will be played the first time there on Sunday next Will you come and hear itY' "Oh. na. na, ma'am," was the reply, q dinna trou- ble myself wi the like O thae tbings. Ye see I capna dance."
 "You will observe said a teacher, "that the higher the altitude attained, the colder the temperature becomes" 'But isn't 1t warmer up in the noun tains?' asked the youth at the foot of the class. Certainly not" replied the professor; "why do you think it would be warmer there?' 'I thought the att mosphere was heated by the mountain