The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1899-06-08

A California paper contains the fol-
lowing advertisement:
eff mans in love, that's his bust
ness; if girls in love, that's her bust
ness; if they contemplate matrimony,
that's my business. William Dash,
Justice of the Peace. Right reserved
to kiss the bride. Orders by telephone,
telegraph, mail or messenger promptly
attended. Terms liberal-time it de-
sired-or will take stove wood, baled
hay, dairy calves, secondhand milk
cans, or most any old thing in part
payment"
Sometimes so methodical man as
Secretary Long makes mistakes, and
recent one caused curious complica'
ton. A Washington lady who is famous
for her activity as we'll as her attrac-
lions interested herself in the appoint
ment of a young relative as lieutenant
in the marine corps. After hearing the
presentation of his claim, Secretary
Long was so overwhelmed by her elo-
quence and attractions that he put her
name on the list in place of that OF the
candidate She was therefore very
much astonished few days later when
she received letter from the navy
department directing her to appear at
the office of General Haywood, COM
mander of the marine corps, and submit
to a physical eXaminatiOn.-Phil
phia Evening Post.
The story is told of small church
that was sadly in need of general re-
pairs, and meeting was being held in
it with a view to raise the funds for
that purpose. The minister having
said $500 would be required, very
wealthy land equally stingy) member
of the congregation rose and said he
would give ST.. Just as he sat down,
however, lump of plastering fell
from the ceiling and hit him on the
head, whereupon he arose hastily and
called out that he had made mistake
he would give $50. This was too much
for an enthusiast present, who, forget
fnl of everything, called out fervently:
"OLord, hit him again. Undergraduates
wis., News Wave.
OKO
"No," said the Boston dame, as she
glared wildly through her double re-
flecting spectacles, II will never lend
my aid, or encourage by my silence, he
wanton slaughter of harmless birds. l
am bitterly opposed to the killing of
these sprightly sparrows. Yes, indeed.
And I have only the most studied con-
tempt for the selfish wretches - [
mention no names-whO lend them
selves to or profit by the cruel killing
of birds in any FORM"
A stihed laugh ran around the hall.
The speaker paused and looked about
her. Then she turned to the woman
chairman.
"What arouses the laughter?" she
softly inquired.
81 guess it's your hat" said the chair
man.
"My hatw gasped the orator, and sat
down with a dull blush on her faded
cheek.
For her hat was adorned with three
Mi Ior
wing!-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Everybody has heard of President
Lincolns reply, when asked the ques-
ton, "How long ought mans legs to
be?" that he had "alwayS thought
mans legs ought to be long enough to
reach from his body to the ground"
Somewhat similar was the answer
given by Western farmer who went
to town one windy day in March. See
ing several men chasing their hats
along the street at considerable sac
rifice of dignity, he remarked:
eff them fellers had the right kind of
heads they wouldn't have no such
trouble as that"
''Do you have the right kind of head,
uncle?" inquired bystander.
EYES,"
Don't your hat never blow OFF,"
Never"
swell, what is the right kind?" he
was asked by several.
"Why," rejoined the old farmer, "the
right kind of a head is one you kin push
up into hat fur enough to hold it on
tight"
Tharn was moro in his anSwar than