Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-10-31
Kansas Sarcasm.

A Girard, Kansas editor cordially
invites the Filipinos to come to this
country:
''You do not know what a good
thing you are missing by not wanting
to become citizens of this grand coun-
try of ours. There isn't anything else
like it under the sun. You ought to
send delegation over here to see US
this land of the free-this land of
churches and 100000 licensed saloons,
forts and guns: houses of prayer and
licensed houses of prostitution;
millionaires and paupers, theologians
and thieves, libertines and liars, Chris
tians and chain-gangs, politicians and
poverty, schools and scalawags, trusts
and tramps, virtue and VICE.
''A land where you can get a good
bible for fifteen cents and drink of
bad whiskey for five cents; where we
have men in congress with three
wives and a lot in the penitentiaries
for having two wives; where some
make sausage Of their wives, and some
want to eat them raw; where we make
bologna sausage of dogs, canned beef
of horses and sick COWS, and corpses of
the people who eat it; where we put q
man in jail for not having the means
of support, and on the rock-pile for
asking for job of work: where we
license bawdy-houses and fine men fo1
telling the truth on the street; where
we have congress of four hundred
men to make laws and Supreme
Court OF nine men to set them aside:
where good whikey makes bad men
and bad men make good whiskey;
where the newspapers are paid fol-
suppressing the truth and made rich
for telling lie; where professors draw
their convictions and their salaries
from the same source; where business
consists in getting property in any
way that WON'T land you in the peni.
Tertiary; where trusts hold you ul
and poverty holds you down; where
men vote for what they do not want
for fear they will not get what they
do want by voting for it; where
| ringers can vote and white women
can't; where the girl who goes wrong
Is made an outcast and her male
partner flourishes as a gentleman
where women wear false hair and men
dock the horses tails; where the
political wire-puller has displaced the
patIiot statesman; where men vote
for thing one day and 'cuss it three
hundred and sixty-fve days; where
we have prayers on the floors of the
national capitol and whiskey in the
basement: where we spend five thous
and dollars to bury a Congressman
who is rich and ten dollars to put
away a workingman who is poor
where to be yirtuous is to be lone,
some, and to be honest is to be called
a crank; where we sit on the safety.
valve of energy and pull wide-oper
| oilS VI WllCIC ROlu
is a substance the one thing sought
for-and God is waste basket for our
better thoughts and good resolutions;
where we pay $4,000 for a dog and
fifteen cents a dozen to poor woman
for making shirts; where we teach
the 'untutored Indian eternal life
from the Bible and kill him with bad
whiskey: where we put man in Jail
for stealing a loaf Of bread and in
Congress for stealing railroad; where
the checkbook talks, sin walks in
broad daylight, justice is asleep, crime
runs amuck, corruption permeates
our social fabric, and the devil laughs
from every street corner.
"Come to us, Fillies! We've got
the grandest aggregation of good
things big and little things cold