Mesa free press., 1899-03-17

Bobbie (reading)-Pa, what does
"better half" mean? Pa-Just what
she says.-Life.
Papa (from the next room)-Ethel,
aren't you going to light the gas in
there? Ethel-Yes, papa; we were just
speaking of-er-striking a MATCH
truth.
Teacher-Now, children, what can
you tell me about the immortal George?
Scholar-He knocked the spots out Of
the Spaniards at Manila. ma'am. =
Judge.
Ethel-You say he was wounded be-
fore Santiago? Jack-Yes, two months
before. The President refused him
commission as major-general. you
know.
She-Oh. James. how grand the sea
is. How wonderful. l do so like to
hear the roar Of the ocean. He-So do
|, Elizabeth. Please keep quiet.-Lus-
tigen Blaetter.
In the Circus.-"The tattooed girl Is
as pretty as picture, isn't she?" "Oh,
yes. whole lot Of pictures. But. then;
her beauty is only skin deep."-Phila-
delphia Bulletin.
Joking aside. madam. two girls have
gone insane from love of me-and you
say you really cannot love meY mo.
baron" Third case Of iusanityw-
Fliegende Blaetter.
Cholly Ricketts, Observation-Disclosures
me, dearest, and ! shall enter a mon
astery and be monk. Maude Sum-
merflirt-M Don't you mean
a menagerie ?-Puck.
Old Millyuns-Young man. my daugh-
ter tells me you kissed her last night.
Percival Tootles-Well, If she wants to
go Dragging about it. that's her privi-
lege.-Chicago Record.
Young Father-What would you
name her? Father-in-law-Why. name
her Maria Teresa. 1t will cost small
fortune to raise her, and as soon as
she's raised you'll lose her."-Judge.
Weary Willie-Ef you he'd million
dollars, Fields. wot would you do Wit
it? Flowery Fields-W'y. wouldn't
do nutt'n wit ind jess rest easy and
let it do sutt'n wit me.-Truth.
"And can you always judge of
mans character by the way he laughsY
asked Miss Westend. "Oh. no! not by
the way he laughs. bat by what he
laughs att said the social philosopher.
Everybody seems to be on an equal
ity in Klondke." said the shoe clerk
boarder. YES" said the Cheerful
Idiot, zone man can cut as much ice as
another up ere."--Indianapolis Jour
nal.
Paw" asked the little boy. what Is
q brain-workerw "A brain-worker,"
said the old man. "is man who has to
spend all his salary in dressing up to
the position be holds. s."-Typographica
Journal.
Mr.. Gotrox-What would you expect
me to do for my daughter If You mar
ried her? George Goodthing Slightly
embarrassed) = You-er-wouldn't be
willing to die for her, would you!-
Judge.
"You can't tell what Is going to turn
up in politics." remarked the sage.
"That isn't the worst of it, remarked
the New York statesman. you can't
tell who is going to be turned down.
Washington Star.
Beggar-Madam, would you please
helm an old soldier along who has seen
many battles? Benevolent Lady thand-
ing him shilling)-Where-lndia OF
Egypt? Beggar-In the irstrated pa
pers. mum.-Tit-Bits.
Mr. Harix (after reading letter from
son at college)-John says he Is quar-
terback. Mrs. Harix-Wa-al. send him
th' quarter. an let him pay up. we
can't afford to hev him In debt fer tn
sake nv q small sum like thet.-Judge.
"Mr. Scatterton prides himself on
being strictly impartial" Yes, an
swered the unamiable man. Il once
went hunting with him. He didn't
seem to care whether he hit the rabbit
the dog or one of his friends. Wash
ington Star
Young lady-You are Wonderrui
master of the piano, hear. Professor
Won Spieler (hired for the occasion)--l
blay aggompaniments zometimes.
Young lady Accompaniment to sing
ting? Professor Won Spieler-Aggom-
paniments to OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES.
Customer-Look here! The first time
| used this cheap umbrella bought of
you, the black dye soaked out and drip
ped all over me. Dealer--Mein frient.
that was our new patent self-detective
umbrella. If any one should steal that,
you'd know him by his clothes.-'Fit-
Bits.
whats this?" asked the baggage
man, as the man with the truck tossed
well-wrapped bundle into The car.
"a feather bed" "Yes, sir" spoke up
the owner. standing on the depot plat
form and grinning maliciously. with a
trunk on the inside Of it. Throw it as
hard as you please"