Western news-Democrat. (Valentine, Neb.) 1898-1900, 1899-01-12

Ear.
Perhaps the Spaniards would have
asked for peace earlier if they had un-
derstood our language.
Attorney-What ground have you for
asking for a pension? Applicability,
when the engagement began, l lost my
head-Harper's Bazaar.
First Volunteer (of returning decimat-
ed regimenU-The girls are going wild
over us. Second Volunteer (grimly)-
Yes; we are remnantS.-EX.
Jack says this new horse he has
iady's horse" WHY" Because a
woman can always drive a bargain."-
Judy.
At Sunday school a little girl was ask
ed: "NNhy should you not hide your light
under q bushel?" The reply came pat:
For fear Of setting fire to it.''-London
Chronicle.
Mrs. Benham-Mother tried to COM
nit suicide to-day, but | prevented it.
Mr.. Benham-I wish you'd let her have
HNI w" way aDOul llOSC L lhS
Town Topics.
THE German Emperor" said the shoe
clerk boarder, ''seems to be carrying
things by storm" Yes" assented the
Cheerful Idiot, 'he reigns and blows"
indianapolis Journal.
Mrs Thricewed tof Chicago)-I Won
der if the ancients had a god of di-
vorce? Mrs. Oftwed (of Dakota)-I sup
pose not. You know it is said that the
mills of the gods grind slowly.-Life.
NO, Willie, DEAR said mamma. mo
more cake tonight. Don't you know
you cannot sleep we'll on Il full stom
ach?" Well" replied Willie, 81 can
sleep on my Observation-Disclosures Press.
Here is an article headed, From
Wa to WedlOck,'" said Mrs. TT as she
looked over the newspaper; that is an
alliterative title" Yes" added Mr..
Tiff; '~alliterative, but tautological."-
Judge.
THAT new advertisement writer is no
good" "Why?" Here's an advertise
ment which he wrote of our famous
Natural Mineral Spring Water, and at
the bottom it says: Address the manu-
facturers.' PUCK.
Jay Green "a rural swain)-When I
was out buggy ridin' with Miss Daisy
Filters last Sunday, she insisted on
takin' the reins!' Abner Appledry-
What did you do? Jay Green-Aw! 1
took the hint!-Puck.
Professor-Too bad! One of my pu-
pills. to whom l have given two courses
of instruction in the cultivation of the
memory. mas forgotten to pay me, and
the worst of it is | can't remember his
name.-Fliegende Batter.
why don't you cry 'enough?" said
a bystander to a little Frenchman who
was being badly pounded and who kept
crying "Hurrah!' Il give a t'ousSand
dollar" said the little Frenchman, ito
know Eat word before."-.Judge.
There's a man who has had many a
narrow escape from being shot" In
deed! Was he one Of the Rough Riders
who rushed up that hill at Caney?'
NO; lie was an Adirondack guide for
nearly three weeks."-Chicago News.
The governess was giving little Tom
my 4 grammar lesson the other day.
can abstract noun" she said, SIS the
name of something which you can
think of but not touch. Can you give
me an eXample?' Tommy-A red-hot
poker!-Tit-Bits
Mr.. T~icks-Adam was certainly in
great luck. Miss Wicks-HOw was
that! Mr.. Ticks-Why, when he got a
wife he only had to give up a rib: and
now it takes all the backbone a man
has just to think of getting married.
Roxburg Gazette.
Mrs. Knowit-Mrs. Strongmind is
gradually developing her husband into
| an ideal man. He does everything now
Just as she wants him to. Mrs. Sharp
er-Yes. and when she has him perfect
she will despise him because he didn't
have a mind of his ~own.-Puck.
My brain is on fire." tragically e
claimed Mrs. Bobkins, as she threw
herself down upon the sofa. why
don't you blow it out?" absent-minded-
ly replied Bobkins, deeply absorbed in
the evening newspaper. And then he
lodged a flying MISUNDERSTANDING.
Fond Mother-Th' papers is saying as
how Mister DeStar. tn great actor. is
gettin' one hoOndrcd dollars a night.
Scene Shifter-YiS; an wot does we get!
Only fifty cents a night fer shiftin' all
that heavy scenery fer him ter walk an
spout before. Its an anarchist I'll soon
be.-New York Weekly.
$50 you and Dickey have been play
ing soldier, have you, Tommy? hope
you didn't really quarrel with each
other" Quarrel nothin'. Dick only
played soldier about three minutes. and
then he said he was goin' to be a Cuban
insurgent, and he stopped and went to
eatin'."-ChicagO Tribune.
Willie-I think old Moneybags is the
meanes man l ever knew. Millie-
What has he done? Willie-Bought for
his daughter n musical parlor clock
which plays Home, Sweet Home" at
10 o'clock, Tramp, Tramp, Tramp at
1915, and Johnny, Get Your Gum at