Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-06-25
HIS HOUSEHOLD SICK.
THE OILERS FAMILY ARE ALL
QUITE "PO'LY."
/ THESIS ON +" RUBBER NECK
And other Necks of the same Ma
tcrinI-CnOutchouc and It's uses
The Man Who Crept Up on Himself,
and why He Did II.

nnd why He Did IT.
A good head, frothing over with JudS-
ment and horse-sense is worth more than
an per cent. government security. WINE
none Of the modern works on psychology
enunciate this doctrine, 1t is true all the
same. and Textbooks on mental philo-
sophy should be amended In a way to Sc
cure its addition. lily enthusiasm on the
subject OF horse-sense is due 10 the fact
that think I've got so much Of 1t my
self. In fact. there is no one who admireS
my own virtues more than 1 do.
The way this subject happened TO pop
in my mind is easily explicabie. Up at
our house, next door to the Chinese laun-
dry everything has been going wrong
lately. The average man, with family
large enough to carry most any Young
precinct, is apt to get terrible case Oh
rattles IL sickness breaks out in his house,
hold and three-fourths of the estapllsh-
ment are laid up in bed. SO would UNI
der ordinary circumstances, out tnaI ,
where my norse-sense comes IN. Now
read the following to your wives, anu II
will save you money: On a certain very
hot day In the leafy month of June Wheh
early vegetables were excessively MS IL
l quit my work and went home 10 dinner
II took me ten minutes to cross my own
threshold. for the servant was tardy ~
answering the door-bell and my fourth>
born had inadvertently swallowed my
night-latch key on the day previous. Inc
old colored lady explained that MISS
Lstitia Chats the Commander-in-Chle
was 'sorter poly and that the DaDy
wasn't so 'peart' as usual" she further
added that William Jennings Bryan was
colicly. and that Grover Cleveland was
"punv-like." while Marmaduke looked
putty colored about the gills. L did nor
faint when | heard this news, allIlousn
our doctor has long since bought eS.
End residence on the money nav Pa.N
him. Nor did l allow the lnteiiseh0e W
nimfam me. or to make me nervous. On
t,n contrary. | chuckled. Even nj that
very moment l was drawing my olViuehu
on the wealth Of common-sense when
enjoy.
When I came into the presence Of the
Commander-in-Chief the curl papers on
her head quivered with emotion. and
instead of talking she alternately grunted
and sighed. Being a foxy old codger, l
appeared to notice nothing wrong and
even attempted to whistle a cake-walk
air All the time / could see her looking
AZ me out of one corner Of her eye like
a mean horse. and knew that In a few
moments l would hear her tale OF woe.
Finally. after more signs and grunts'
she said to the baby, who was trying 10
drive a nail in our mahogany furniture
.tVafr
with the hair-brush: Poor. httle thlhg'
you'll never be able to stand II. hummer
knows how you're suffering from the
heat with your little pack all peppered
win humps and your legs chafed. They
wouldn't let him 90 in the country ana
play under the trees?'
Now. this was baby talk, OF course,
but I had sumption enough to know that
the they" referred to was myself, and
that l was the monster who wouldn't
LET him 90 in the country and play under
the trees"
said nothing. In fact, 1 knew It
wasn't necessary for me to DO the talk
ing: that this article would be supplied
Inv the aggrieved individual with the
tremulous curl papers BY and by the
Voice said: Sometimes l don't know
whether Grover is threatened with
tvphoid-fever or has got chills in his
system. The boy doesn't cat enough u
keep a flea alive though Marmaduke IS
equally as ailing. Children who have
Just been TO school need chanSe Oh ai''
Nature demands It,"
"yyhv not send 'em out 10 the Reservoir
on the street-cars Il suggested men
q lot of brats hang around their ma all
the time they're mighty apt to get can
tankerous and peevish.'
down." said the Voice, "a trip to the
Reservoir doesn't do them any good;
they're bound to have complete change
of scene"
IF they need change Of scenery why not
let them look at the maps in their geogra'
ply" ! said.
She was beginning to get mad but when
she saw that l was up TO her scheme sh7
changed her tactics, and said in medi'
tative, Indifferent sort Of way:
I've about come to the conclusion thai
we can all pack up and 90 to the country
cheaper than we could stay in town TINS
summer. Vegetables are way up, and Ice
Is going to be one-ninth Of cent higher
It's a lot Of trouble, but, after all, ecoho-
my compels me TO make the move.
well" said 1. now that she had como
out fat-fOoted with tne ISSUE u
bles get too high we can let the children
craze on the grass in the front yard, es-
peciallv. as you say, they've lost their
appetite. and as for the ice-why, If that
goes up we can fan the water and get IL
cool. Children with typhoid-fever ana
chills in their systems had better stay
at home"
And thus we banded words and argu-
ments with one another until the air was
fun Of steam and as hot as cotton. From
what that woman said, one would nave
imagined that Death was taking three
meals a day with us and lounging about
the house at all hours. 1t was the an
nual spring story-the old game to get
me to send them all off to the springs, or
the seashore. or the country. Every year
at this season all the diseases known to
medical science pop up in my household.