Union gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Benton County, Or.) 1899-1900, 1899-12-08
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Uncle Dick-I hope you are a good
boy in school. Bobbie. Bobbie-Naw!
I'm going to be a hero.-New York
Journal.
| In extenuation.--Sally Gay-But
dear, he is a gambler. Dolly Swift
Yes, know, but he las such winning
ways.-Judge.
Suitor-Dearest--idol of my heart
say you will be mine. Widow-How
much alimony do you usually pay?-
| New York Journal.
Were in pickle, now." said man
In a crowd. "a regular JAM" said an.
| other. Heaven preserve u.s." exclaim.
| ed an old lady.-Columbus State Jour
| nal.
Sharp little thing: "Papa." said the
missionary-worker's little daughter. II
am playing that my dolls are heathen.'
| ''That is nice. dear" "And-and-papa,
want 10 cents to pay my salary
Puck.
He had his arm about her shoulders
when the young brother dashed into
the room, playing street car"
Change to the belt line" whooped the
| innocent youngster as he dashed out
again.-Detroit Free Press.
"And did you shake hands with
Dewey when you were in New York at
tending the reception to him?" mo.
| but l succeeded in buying rose that
| is warranted to have been run over by
his carriage."-Chicago Times-Herald.
Stubb-So the audience found the
show to be fake? Pennies, and
among them was a football captain.
He made the biggest kick. Stubb-
Good for you! But how did he express
himself? Penn-IIe said he wanted his
| quarter back.
"Come on" said Noah, looking at his
watch, "it's time we were getting into
| the ark" you'll have to wait q min
ute," replied Mrs. Noah from the top
of the stairway. I'm not going out
without my rainy day skirt on."-Chi-
cago Tribune.
Tramp-Lady, I'm hungry. an Pm
lookin' fer chance to work Lady
very well; there's the woodpile. Tramp
Lady, it amt perlite to interrupt. l
was jest sayin' I'm lookin' fer chance
to work somebody fer me breakfast
New York World.
Mrs. Casey-If iver l catch your goat
atm me washin' agin. Mrs. Mulligar.
I'll sue ye fer damages. Mrs. Multi
gan-There's no made of sum, Mrs.
Casey. Coon over here an III give
ye all the damages ye want an more.
too.-New York Journal.
money talks" they observed. There
came into the eyes of the millionaire
the wild, hunted look peculiar to his
kind. "But it doesn't give itself away'
he cried, agonizedly. For the fear that
he would die rich was haunting him in
day and night shifts.-Detroit Journal.
did you ever earn an honest dollar
in your Efe?" Never" answered
Meandering Mike. "Onst 1 worked two
hours fur dollar, but when got it
l found it had plug in it, right over
de head of de American eagle. OATS
what embittered ne life. e."-Washing-
ton Star.
Caddfe: "Lemme carry yer clubs,
UOSSs AlA DC co oAAAd dh0 80 NSe-. 49,
err postv Golfer: II don't consider
that any particular recommendation
Caddie: Not if yer playin' wild yer
chum er yer mudder1n-law; but w'ea
yer playin' wild yer girl it pays ter hev
er caddie wot knows his bizr'-Puck.
Housekeeper; why are apples so
high in pricei' Market-man: :" Cause
IL loo ors
.But the papers said the crop was so
enormous that apples We're rotting on
the trees all over the country" Mar
ket-man: "Yes'm. That's why they're
scarce. 1t didn't pay to pick 'em."-
New York Weekly.
MARRY your the young woman
scornfully exclaimed; Il wouldn't
marry you II you were =" Jupiter
Olympus, the Czar of Russia, or the
Count Of Monte Cristo?" sarcastically
interrupted the young man. NO" she
rejoined, with increasing scorn, mot
even If you were the man who sent
Dewey to the Philippinesy'-Chica
Tribune.
.Now, Morton" said one of the party
who had gone deep into the Maine
woods in search of adventure, 1--WE
know you've been famous hunter,
and we want to hear about some of
the narrow escapes you've had from
bears, and so on" "Young man." said
the old guide, with dignity. ''if there's
been any narrer escapes, the bears and
other fierce critters had 'em. not mel"
Boston Christian Register.
"Charlie. DEAR" said the young moth
er, "I've decided on a name for baby.
We will call her Imogen." Papa was
lost in thought for few minutes. He
did not like the name, but If he oppos-
ed it his wife would have her own
way. That's nice," he said, presently.
"My first sweetheart was named Imo-
gen, and she will take 1t as compli-
ment." Eve will call her Mary. after
my mother" was the stern reply.-CoI-
lier's Weekly.
Sunday School Superintendent point
ing a moraD-Yes, scholars. the great
thing Is to know ones duty and then
do it. Admiral Dewey knew his duty
when he entered Manila Bay and saw
the Spanish ships. and the world has
seen how nobly he performed it. Now,
children, what is our duty in this
bright holiday season? How may we
emulate the great admiral? What
should we do when we see about us
the poor, the sick and the suffering?
Small-Boy Glass lin concerD-Lick 'em!
Exchange.