Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-10-22

When you leave Virginia for this trip
you needn't expect people 10 know that
YOU are a Daughter of Evolution, a COun-
terfelt Dame. q "F +. "" and a de-
scendant OF one Of the oldest families
(probably indentured servants, for good
blood doesn't cut any figure with the At
lantic Ocean This large, oily. soap
sudsy green sheet OF water. while 1t is
Continual sufferer from ST. Vitus's dance,
is very eXacting, and requires you TO give
up pretty much everything you've got eX-
copt family history. by the time you
cross it your genealogy is about all you
have left. except bad taste in your
mouth and "a sincere sympathy for the
whale which was compelled to surrender
tho late lamented Jonah. And If you
cross over on an English line you needn't
hope 10 hobnOb with the officers Of the
steamer. or TO run to ask the captain
where the tOothpiCks are, as you 90 on
the OLD Dominion Line. Neither need you
expect the first mate 90 amuse the BABY;
nor to devote several days 10 explaining
the details about railroad tickets. places
OF interest. Sc. English people don't DO
little tricks OF this sort Possibly, II you
show them YOU are grateful, TO them Tor
being allowed TO live. they will not snun
out your life. But YOU should at all times
remember. when you are in the presence
OF the officers. that you are the scurf or
tho earth. and sincerely repent being
horn. The ocean will assist you in this
repentance.
You pay $50 or 50 for what Is called
straight ticket I'm the first cabin Coun-
try people must not think that by the
word cabin" mean log hut; Tefer 10
a nice little room, four by Ave. which has
Il - tpfh IN
three berths)-one over the other, and
third. which performs the dual function
OF sofa and bed. Although you will prob
ably find your cabin small at first, the
probabilities are that it will be plenty big
after YOU pass the Goddess of Liberty.
When you bid her good-by In New York
harbor you will feel that you are saying
1 farewell 10 the last friend on earth.
BE sure 10 get the top berth. If posi-
| bile The man below never knows what
/ going to happen. The tin pans you ina
! attached To the brink Of your berth-l
/ say brink because you hang over a small
| precipice. as q were-are not intended as
wash basins Instinct Will teach you
what 10 do with them.
The $50 which. It Is claimed YOU pay
for a straight tcket and the first cabin,
| is not i'm reality such. IL is q tax on your
presumption Tor having been born In add
| dition to this you buy your own chair,
| or sit on the deck floors; pay 500 TO the
! dining-room steward. otherwise the
waiter: a like amount to the bedroom
| steward and "a dollar or so TO the man
! who hovers around on deck. Just before
YOU land on the other side an individual,
/ whom YOU have never seen before, will
! steal your shoes and polish them. You
encourage this brigand in his nefarious
practices by paying him 80 cents. IT,.
! however Won do not care 60 sit I'm q
chair. YOU needn't buy one. but can sit
! on The floor. as indicated above; and if
YOU have no desire to eat or to have your
/ beds made up, YOU needn't pay the stew
ards. II YOU prefer 10 roll around like a
/ drunkard neglect the deck steward; and
/ if you wish 10 bee abused, viihed, anathe-
matized and "cusscd' black and blue
spurn Boots" and land in Liverpool IN
/ your sockfeet-that is, provided YOU wear
/ socks. If not get ashore barefooted
Most good steamers have about five
meals a day-certainly four. There is the
! breakfast the lunch. the dinner. and
/ light refreshments about 9 +. NJ. You
/ will do we'll TO eat one OF these meals,
! though people have been known TO get
! whack al all OF them. II your health is
good. tho meals will seem delicious; but
/ n YOU feel that French revolution is
/ going on beneath your vest, your imagi-
| nation viii. make you believe they are all
i