The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1899-09-08
PETER L0NGSHOTT.
Writes Red Hot Letter from the Cap
ital OF Hades.

VIZ liic liulll, lOi Just us ne pre-
dicted, and as | myself secretelv
expected, ! am in hades. Came
straight through without a stop.
am sitting on hot cinder writing
this letter on piece of slate gouged
from the ceiling with my trident.
\ trident you know, is one Of
those funny looking little pitchforks
like Neptune used to carry about
with him at the seaside. Every.
body has one and il makes fellow
think he's at a populst convention.
When | was on earth didn't be-
lieve in hell, for had travelled in
Kansas and didn't think there could
be two places so much alike. But
| hadn't been there half a day till |
believed in it a whole lot. 1t is
much more genuine and realistic
than ! anticipated, but ! think I'll
like it when | get accimat Just
now my feet are blistered from walk
ing. on the hot pavements and I'm
Idabbllng them in the Styx to cool
them of. was talking to Moses a
while ago and he says the, will soon
get calloused and then I'll be all
hunkadory. He is a jovial old cuss
and rather like him. Told me on
the dead-everything is "on the
dead" here-that he didn't write
the Pentateuch, but knows who did.
There are lots Of people here and
strangers arrive daily. But would
not advise you to come down till
fall or winter-and even then YOU
needn't bring anything but a. light
summer suit. You won't need an
lovercoat or umbrella or skates, out
you might bring alorg a palm leaf
ian or two. For an Imaginary, :"
mythical, f" "fgurative," "alle-
gorical, f" "unorthodox hell this is
about the hottest one ever got into.
But say | got here Just in time
to strike a snap. Henry Ward
Beecher had just been retired on ac-
count of age and Mephistopheles APP
pointed me to succeed him as boss
of the American colony-the largest
one here. have a lovely new tri-
dent with cute little spear-point
businesses on the tines, and the
devil has promised to get me a long
red tail and pair of horns like his
when he goes to the city next week.
He seems to have taken fancy to
me.
There are ministers here of every
denomination and several camp
meetings are in progress down the
river. Horace Greely introduced
me to Spurgeon and old Peter Cart
wright last night, and we had a very
pleasant little lark together. They
expect Talmage 10 join them before
long. | have also shaken hands
with Tom Paine and Voltaire and
find them very pleasant gentlemen.
Said they had watched my career
for some time and we're expecting
me daily. Ben Franklin called on
me this morning. He is wearing
MS hair short now and doesn't look
80 much like Queen Liliaukalani as
ne used to. | never could tell their
pictures apart.
OF course the trust is here "big-
germ a chipmunk.'' Solomon and
Brigham Young have all the women
cornered, and the politicians are or
ganizing to defeat the present ad-
ministration and elect new devil.
They want me to make the nomi-
nating speech. You know | nomi-
nated the Rural Statesman once and
lid it up in shape. Don't know
who will be the nominee. Jay Gould
is running well on account of his
money and Judas Iscariot and An
nanias are quite popular.
| wish you could send me the
papers. ! would like to know what's
being said about me. suppose
they'll print a lot OF my old letters
and publish enough pictures of me
to start a rogues' gallery, and every
little two-by -four preacher will tell
show it happened" and water-brain
Spiritualists will commcnc with my
spirit, and all that sort Of thing. |
wish the whole dod- rotted pack were
lown here awhile-they wouldn't
feel 50 all-fired gay.
Well, must close. We need rain
the worst kind-crops are almost a
failure. If you're ever down this
way, drop in, Yours truly,
PETER LoNGsHoTr.
P.S. A soda fountain would pay
Dig down Eere. p. l..
p. 5. Tell my former friends
he Log roller, Bigheart Soda,
Dutch Gus, and the Mormonic visi-
tor with females to Military Park,
that Mephistopheles says privately