The Virginia enterprise. [volume] (Virginia, St. Louis County, Minn.) 1893-19??, 1899-05-05
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

) HUMOROUS ITEMS. 5
Even ditch digger may be overcome
Philadelphia Bulletin.
First American-"Laugh, and the
world laughs with YOU
Second Amcrican-"All but the Eng
lishman.
1.-THE way to Sleep" says the scientist,
lis to think of nothing" But this is a
mistake The way to sleep is to think
it is time to get up.-Tit-Bits.
The German army includes more
than 10000 military musicians. Other
powerful nations on the continent en-
ploy rather less numbers in military
bands.
Poet-"At last I have sold poem.'
Wife-"I'm so glad to hear it, love-
The spring days are growing warm. and
now you will be able to afford hair
ut.'-Judge.
Insignia of Joy-"Did your daughter
marry happily, Mrs: Pusher-BrownY'
'Well, we think so; her husbands peo-
pie gave her two barrels of cut glass;
Detroit Free Press.
Hungry Higgins-"say, what's dipso-
maniac?'
Weary Watkins-"Its guy that still
has money left after drinkin' all he
wants. indianapolis Journal.
Mistress-"NIary, have you got man
in the kitchen?'' Cook '.Well, mum,
don't call him man. He's just called
to say he's goin' to break off the ell
gagement. an we've been courtin' two
years.! -Tit-Bits.
The Feminine One-"Could you marry
Il mun to save himT'
The Manly One-'1t would depend on
the man.
oh, of course, l Iieant one who was
willing to risk it.''-Life.
living man could forge his name success
fully to check and get it cashed. Has
he such il very peculiar signature?"
Homans-"No: but he hasn't any money
in the bank. "-Tit-Bits.
The Father-''When you marry my
daughter | intend to present you with d
house and lot
The Accepted One -"Thats hot a
square deal. l thought l was to have
her without any membranes. detroit
Free Press.
Mr. Emancipus-"Oh,d dear! why do
you get up and go out as soon as the cur
tain falls? Why can't you sit still until
the next act begins?"
Mrs. Emancipus-"Don't be silly! I'm
going out to see Il woman. "-Pittsburg
ChronicleTelegraph.
''They say Tfoppo; the concert pianist,
always practices with a photograph run
ming opposition
How strange! What's his object?''
why, it makes him feel as if he were
playing before fashionable audience.".-
Philadelphia Bulletin.
He-"Oh, by the way, the doctor ad-
VIC mo tn cat tar hot
going to bed; said it would prevent my
insomnia. Are there any in the kouse?"
She-'"The only thing III the house ap-
proaching a water cracker is the ice
pick. Indianapolis Journal.
"These neckties," went on the sales
man as he exhibited some striking sam
pies, need no praise, they simply speak
for themselves"
"They do, eh?'' remarked the stylish
young man; "well, they make a mistake
if they think everyone is hard of hear
ing. "-Philadelphia Record.
ITS hard to be happy, once you've got
remarked the sad-eyed man. What's
the trouble?' I've lost another friend
l complimented him OH being the most
cool-headed person l ever saw. He took
lit as an allusion to the fact that he is
totally bald. ''-Washington Star.
Irish barrister addressing the bench)-
'Your honor. l shall first absolutely
prove to the jury that the prisoner could
not have committed the crime with which
he is charged. If that does not convince
the jury, l shall show that he was in
sane when he committed it. If that fails,
1 shall prove an alibi."-The Sphinx.
A Poor Pledge-"Marry me-" urged
the nobleman, land I'll pledge my hon
or to give you life of luxury" But the
proud beauty remained obdurate.
Haven't you anything more substantial
than honor to put in soak" she queried,
for she had an eye to the financial end
Just fancy" said the leading man, by
t tHe np*e fansy bepg s"n s
sionarv and getting broiled alive!'
Really" asked the soubrette, in the
languid drawl that she hoped would star
her in society drama some day, 'are the
benighted heather educated up to broiled
live Observation-Disclosures Journal.
The mother of one of our soldiers In
the late war was busy packing a box
containing food to send to, him, and the
Having placed the last article iii, the
we viii now naii it up" Excuse me,
num-" said Nora, but how is he ever
going to get it open unless we put in an
aXe!'-Harper's Bazar.
Smoking in Holland" said traveller,
is so common that it is impossible to
tell one person from another in a room
of smokers" "How is anyone who hap
pens to be wanted picked out, then!'
asked listener. "Oh, waiter goes
round with pair of bellows and blows
the smoke from before each face till he
recognizes the person called for. Fact,
gentlemen" Advertiser.
THE ALPHABET OF GOLF.
A little mound Of dirt, T;
A pretty little girl l G;
crooked little drive-oh, Y
Did she not aim with careful L?
wounded head, a muttered &C."
Accompanied by How the D!'
And maid who said Pm such a j!
Hereafter l shall play cro.K."
New York Tribune.
'I'm left-handed," giggled Miss
Scraggs; cleft is nearest the heart, you
know
"You're left altogether, aren't your"
asked Stubs innocently, and at once
Miss Scraggs fired up.
mo, sir, I'm not left altogether.
could marry any man | chose she said
and went away.
'Thank heaven she's liar!'' said
Stubs devoutly.-pick-Me-Up
A Cheap Remedy.
That so few doctors recommend the
free use Of water is due to no other fact