Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-01-26
TURNED THE TABLES.
A STORY OF ARTEMus WARD AND
HENRY J. BYRON.

His Match Mt Chatting.
What follows relates to the first
meeting of the late Henry j. Byron
and Artemus Ward 1t was at the Saw
age club after one of the Saturday din
ners, and Tom Robertson suggested to
Artemus to have tilt with Byron aud,
If possible, draw him out. The genial
Snowman had only been in England
few days, but he knew Byron's "me-
tier" and went for him in this faghion:
81 fancy have seen a face like yours
before. Did you ever have a brother
Alonzo?" Robertson was behind Arte-
mus and winked at Byron.
"Alas, hadr' replied the drama
fist, instantly catching the situation.
He was a mariner, engaged on the
deep?"
"That's So.
"You haven't heard of him for FIVE
years."
Byron affected to be lost in reflection
and deliberately replied: cts five
years ago this very day. How curious
you should mention it, sir!'
"Well, sir, )" replied Artemus, taking
out his handkerchief and pretending to
wipe away tear, II sailed the salt sea
with your brother We were wrecked
together in the gulf of Mexico, and be-
The moment saw you recognized the
likeness. He was good fellow, full of
tender feeling"
81 am glad you found him tender"
interrupted Byron, also pulling out his
handkerchief.
"But, sir, am awfully sorry I ate
him, 4" said Ertemus in the most imper-
turbable fashion. Had l known i
should ever meet his brother | am sure
I'd have gone without food some weeks
longer. But was driven to it, and you
will forgive me- won't you? l liked
Alonzo," and he offered his hand to
Byron, which the latter shook with cor
dality.
Excuse my emotion, won't you?"
gasped Byron in his handkerchief. "He
never wrote and told me what had be-
come of him. I hope he agreed with
you ...-.... ....
ga slight indigestion afterward. He
was little tough" replied Artemus,
"but we'll not speak of that. We both
suffered. He suffered most. But remem-
Der, sir, the law can't touch me now.
1t was stern necessity and necessity, as
you may have heard, knows no law.
But am willing to pay you damages
for the loss. About what would you
think fair compensation?"
"Don't mention it, said Byron, who
now thought it time to turn the tables.
at think your name is Ward?" said he.
"Yes."
"Artemus Ward?'
"Quite so.''
"You had father"
II had"
"He was Yankee peddler in his own
country, was he not? Sold bug pizsn
and fine tooth combs?'
you've hit the comb-I mean the
nail-on the head
'He died in the black country of
England, did he not?''
"He did"
well, killed him. I knew you
you. He was nice old gentleman, and
made his acquaintance in Stafford
shire. He wished to go down a deep
coal mine; SO did |, and we went down
together, had good time, explored,
lunched with the miners, drank more
than was good for US and proceeded to
return to Mother Earth's surface. After
you have been down a mine you are
fond of your mother, l assure you. The
prodigal felt nothing to what expe-
rienced. We entered the huge basket
and were being slowly drawn toward
the mouth of the pit when | saw the
old rope was about to snap under the
strain. 1t was perilous, a horrible,
critical moment. The weight of two
men was too great, and your father was
a broad, bulky man. Self preservation
more and we were both lost We seemed
to be about so feet from the top.
hastily called your fathers atten.
tion to omething-implored him, in
fact, to look down the mine. He did so,
and as gently tipped him over he went
whirling and crashing to the bottom.
1t was rough Oh him, but I saved my
self. ciphered it out on the instant
like this: He is an old man, nearly
bald, deaf in one ear, two teeth gone in
front, with only few years to live. /
am half his age, strong and healthy,
the father Of young family, with a
career before me, a comedy to finish for
the Haymarket and a burlesque accept
ed at the Strand. Now, ask you, un-
der the circumstances, did not behave
nobly?"
"You did, you didr' sobbed Arte-
mus 81 would have acted that way
myself. I"
II am glad to find you so intelligent.
You ate my brother and found him
tough, and am the assassin of your
dear old father" continued Byron,
keeping up the farce of pretended emo
ton "We are both avenged. Let us
draw veil over the past and never
allude to these heartrending incidents
again"
agreed. We cry quits. Shaker
feared Artemus, extending both hands
and dramatically dashing food of i'm
aginary tears from his eyes Then he
Summoned q waiter olassea roupd ,yaro