Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-08-06
HE'S " NOT 50 WARM
THE IDLER DREAMED HE WAS A
MOST IMPORTANT PARSONAGE,
BUT AWOKE NTH 1 SNORT.
During the Period of Unconscious
ness He Was Admiral Dewey and
TriumpbnntIy Sailed Into New
YOrk-IOw He Acted.


An overdose OF country ham. oucumbers
watermelons, and pie did the business
Last Thursday at 7:30 Z. NJ. / was SUI
fering from a bad attack of the well
known disease called hunger. and l APP
piled the aforementioned cure to cheek
| the malady. 1t had the desired effect.
but. incidentally, 1t had other effects be.
Sides That night, when l went to bed,
felt like a condemned murderer on the
eve of his execution. The atmosphere
looked like an Oriental rug 1t presented
a Kaleidoscope array of colors. There
was the Nile green. which represented the
| cucumbers; the old-rose. which signined
| the country ham; the crimson, which re-
| called the watermelon, and the canary,
which betokened the pie. These tints al
ternated at FIRST and then they all surged
into one grand pctpourri OF color, which
gave me "A dark-brown feeling and cover
ed my tongue with white fur ike the
hide OF polar bear. All the awful deeds
OF my checkered career came before me.
and l resolved TO lead better life. In
fact. L made a thousand resolutions.
determined that henceforth / would only
eat bread and oatmeal; that in the future
would attend church three times a day
on Sundays; that for the rest of my life
l would take long walks to aid my oigos-
ton; that for all time to come l wouid
be prudent and moderate In my habits.
Then | concluded that lying on my left
side was uncomfortable, and 50 l shifted
TO the right. This experiment proved
distasteful 10 the ham, cucumbers. water
melons, and pie, so | laid me on me back
(as they would say in Shakespeare, but
alasl 1t was OF no avail. Then l coDtorted
myself like an "and-so-forth" mark, and
finding this unsatisfactory, undertook TO
initiate the letter ;. All these tricks
were as discouraging as giving money to
poor relations. The pie, cucumbers,
watermelons. and ham were still with
me. and in ten minutes l realized that
they had formed trust for the exclusive
production of horrible dreams and CHASTITY
thoughts. So confused were these phan-
tasmagorio visions that / lost my bear
ings and couldn't tell which was my
head and which was my feet. Then, all
of a sudden l forgot my name. The
memory OF the most recent events Kicker
ed from my mind. us this me or
Thomas de quincy, after heavy dose
Of opium l asked, and TO save my
life i couldn't answer the question Ana
even If il had been me l wouldn't nave
known It, for / had forgotten my name
Suddenly, In a spasm of uncertainty
grasped at the bosom of my snowy roDe
de mutt. Something hard and metallic
was in my fingers. l glanced down anu
saw that | had hold of brass button.
ves a whole row of brass buttons were
before me. and my robe de mutt had
changed into a braided white duck SUIT
A moment later the bed rocked unde:
ma. | heard the swish OF water dsd'i's'
a vessels PROV and felt the unmistaKapIe
swell of waves beneath me. 1 was on the
ocean-the great damp, mos hquiu'
1yatery. salt ocean. Then l made another
inspection of that garment wnlch war
exclusively at night; the brass oi'toii9
were still there. Looking down q. my
little pink, dimpled feet, which Only
moment before had formed an elesdh.
rnenu for the mosquitoes, "kissng-uuss'
and other fairies of darkness, / ;ouId
them encased in white canvas shoes'
Strange indeed were my sensations "ueH
I discovered myself thus bedeckeu' ph-
consciously / ran my hand UP 10 hN
face and behold, there was a musieShe
ahout nv Ina white mustache, - l
ofterwards discovered. BY this tiai9
was so dazed and befogged and oDius-
cated and nim-hammed and raZzie-h t&zled
mat | couldn't have found my own name
i'm a city directory. Somehow was
Ioath 70 part with my identity. and yet
7 knew that | had never worn brass out
tons save when in the Confederate army
and that white canvas shoes were dn I'M
known quantity to my feet. Ihets was
some terrible mystery about IL all anu
| couldn't untangle IL. BEFORE hdd h~d
time 10 work on the proposition
minutes l heard the booming Oh Ce'GoH
and the wild huzzahs Of multtudes.
Music filed the air and cheers reht nc
ether. With the elasticity of coiidf-
button escaping its owner i sprang TO
my feet, and IN so doing / passsd before
an unfamiliar mirror. In a m)taent the
mystery was solved. Instead of being
myself l found that l was Admiral
Dewey-George Dewey, the man ce.e-
brated for the hitherto unknown power
Of keeping his mouth shut at the right
time. Yes, it was as plain as daylight
now: l had been George Dewey all the
time. but had gotten little mixed in my
bearings. In a second the sense Of my
own dignity came upon me. | realized
that life was one grand beach, and that
was the only pebble upon il. Out
through the windows of my elegant cabin |
/ saw Battery Park and the New Y orb |
World building, and in the distance the |
Goddess OF Liberty was doing her Did |
turn at enlightening the world. F!ass |
and banners fiuttered 10 the breeze. TIE |