Audubon County journal. (Exira, Iowa) 1884-1993, 1899-09-21

| was moral burden. Often when l
was writing, perhaps on the Stability
of Our City's Growth" Simmons would
begin to scratch his back on the floor
| joists and shake the whole building.
He pied galleys of type in this way.
Again, he would come around in front
and poke his head in the door and
snort at me defantly and ungratefully.
He had no means of knowing what
was writing, and l thought it unkind
and malicious of him. Sometimes it
seemed as if lac hated and despised me.
On other occasions it appeared as If
he would in his poor, dumb way call
me-brother! Once went as member
of committee to the station to help
welcome an eastern capitalist who was
coming with a view of investing mon
ey in the place. Simmons followed
close behind, like a dog, and peered
around my legs at the visitor and
grunted scornfully, as who should say:
Ha, old money bags. What are you:"
"4ou-er-hogs seem familiar" observ-
ed the man. The rest of the committee
turned their backs on me. Its the
editors" explained the leader "Don't
mind either of EN-
1t was worth the price of admission
to see Simmons root. Your ordinary
hog roots disconnectedly, with push
in this direction and in that, down
thrust and an uplift, with pauses as he
shifts and explores for possible food.
| Otherwise Simmons. He would insert
his snout in the ground and then walk
straight ahead, plowing a long furrow,
throwing the soil to either side as the
bow of steamboat throws the water
He was not looking for food-simply
taking a constitutional. But he could
root in one spot if the occasion de-
manded. The Baptist church stood on
four blocks of wood, after the man
ner of the country. l think Simmons
was Methodist-anyhow he was
strongly opposed to the Baptists. He
kept at their foundation until one
block toppled over and that corner Of
the building went down foot, the
diagonally opposite corner going up the
same distance during evening service,
of course. The congregation slid down
in the lowest corner like the pieces in
a backgammon board. l heard Sim
mons back scrape on the floor as he
came whisking home. Then there fol-
lowed long series Of satisfied grunts.
He had fixed those Baptists at last.
When we gave the eastern capitalist
a reception in Bagley's hall, Simmons
planted himself four square in the
middle Of the street in front and
squealed like 10000 unoiled wheelbar-
rows He had reversible voice.
4 When he expelled the air, it produced
a nerve destroying shrilling. When he
inhaled it, you heard a raucous rattle,
blood curdling and fearsome The
moneyed man didn't stay. Simmons
chased the train half way to the next
station, speaking his mind freely. He
had fixed the capitalist
Il The bills which l had to pay for
damage done by Simmons were some
thing disquieting. 1t got SO that if
any man in town needed dollar he
would come to me and say Simmons
had done something, and would give
him the money. One day man came
in with a bill for an entire patch of po-
tatoes uprooted by Simmons. l was
out of funds The man said he must
have something and that quick. He
was angry and abusive. told him
the only thing l could give him was a
load of wood. He took it. 1t happen
ed to be the Parkinson wood This
made more trouble. 1t was becoming
a serious problem what l should do
with Simmons.
Two days before the Fourth Of July
Major Grigsby, a local nuisance, came
into the office. The major was always
some sort of an agent-book, apple
tree, patent wash boiler or what not
"Sah," said the major, las you have
announced in your valuable papah, we
are to have 4 grand celebration of the
glorious Fourth in this town. | have
been honored with an appointment on
the committee on sports and pastimes
of the pop-u-lace. We have arranged
for boss trot. sab, a baseball game,
sab, q creased pole, sab, and other
amusements, sab, such as it is believ-
ed will appeal to the common people,
sab, the bull-work Of the nation, sab.
We lack but one thing, my dear sab, q
creased pig. | have been delegated
the committee on creased pig" He
hesitated. arose, and there We're
tears in my eyes. Major" l said,
grasping his hand, take Simmons
You do me proud, sah," answered
the major with feeling THANK you,
sab. We will take Simmons
At IL O'Clock on the glorious day
Simmons, well creased, was brought
out to the race track where the exer-
cises were being held. 1t being feared
that no one would chase him for him
self alone, a dollar bill, generously con-
tributed by Mayor Southwick, was tied
to his tail When he was released, a
dozen ambitious citizens started in
pursuit, the major among the others.
Around and around rushed Simmons,
the crowd close behind, but never quite
coming up to him. Suddenly. with a
defiant squeal, he started across the
prairie straight for the west. The
crowd followed. the major leading.
Soon they grow dim in the distance