Santa Fe new Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1898-1951, 1899-04-28
PETER JOHNSON.

porlum, ne announced that his name was
Peter Yonson. He meant johnson. CAN
furriners are p'ison," was the observation
of Eli haywood from his place OH the dried
apple barrel, "but them there Scandina-
VANS are the p'isonest. Look at the way
they aboose Our language"
For the position of salesman Peter lack
ed experience. He meant well, but he
didn't always know. He was a tall, broad
shouldered, powerful man, and had been
accustomed to working in the Wisconsin
p~ineries and to dealing with oxen, logs,
canned Boston baked beans and other
large and primordial things. He tore off
calico with a jerk and a crack which never
failed to startle the customer and the first
time that he made a sale of a pound of
dried apples instead of raking them out
with the clawed tool provided he picked up
the barrel, about two-thirds full, and
poured the required quantity into the scoop
Of the scales.
His chief offense was the sale Of some
cigars which, by accident, had been drop.
ped by him in a coal oil can.
Peter wal extremely good natured and
in his way humorous. He was honest,
too, but gave evidence of capacity to take
on the less upright ways of a more highly
developed race. The first time he mad
vertently left the faucet of the molasses
barrel open he acknowledged the mistake
in a simple minded, guileless way. The
second time 1t happened he said, but in a
no less simple minded and guileless man
ner: "Aye seen the cat loaf1ng round dar.
Aye tank may be she sweech he's tail and
open the fasset."
Peter was something Of a trial to Tar.
box, but as he certainly attracted the de-
sired Scandinavian custom he was re-
tanned. Naturally he was a constant
source of wrath to Eli haywood, already
prejudiced against ''furriners'' and others
who do not speak our beautiful mother
tongue in its purity. Mr.. haywood had
been among the first to attempt the con-
sumption Of the inflammatory cigars. His
eyebrows were considerably singed and the
coal oil flavor remained in his mouth for
several days.
Pleasantly disposed friends tried to
smooth Mr.. Jaywood's temper by suggest
ing that he go into partnership with Peter
and put that sort Of cigar on the market
under the name of FL Flor del Lamp Wick,
but the enraged citizen consigned cigar,
Peter and friends to a region where the
first named certainly could not have been
stored with impunity. In a measure to
get revenge on Peter for the cigar and also
his constant abuse of English, Eli jay
wood tried on him various jokes of a prac-
tlcal character, as hitting him or the back
of the head with a SNOWFALL, tripping him
up with a wire, depositing carpet tacks in
his bed and other such little delicate atten-
tions. Peters temper remained unruff1ed
under these examples Of ~Jaywoodian hui
NOR, simply remarking in his "furrin'
way that he thought "dat Meester Yay
wood bees one funny man."
One night after closing his store Tarbox
met Mr.. haywood in the postoffice. Some
~burglaries had been committed In the vii
lage and Tarbox was having Peter sleep in
the store at night as a precautionary meas
ure. His bed, a simple cot, was in the
rear, behind the wheelbarrows and ready
made clothing, beside a large pile of flour
in paper sacks and underneath the stock
of scythes hanging above like swords Of
Damocles. At the meeting in the postof-
flee, national questions having been dis
posed of, Mr.. haywood said:
"See year, Tarbox, wot you got that
there Jig snoozled Swede sleeping in yer
store ferY"
II reckoned burglars might get snoop-
ing round" answered Tarbox.
Mr.. haywood groaned so deeply that the
windows ratified. "And do you low he
would do any good if they did?"
"He's big enough-he ought to put upa
good fight" returned Tarbox.
"Big enough-boot straps and chicken
tracksl So is a bale Of hay big enough!
Did you ever know a furriner that could
aghtP"
Tarbox rapidly ran over all the persons
of this description that no had aver known
or read Of in history and then admitted
that he didn't.
"Now I'll tell you =, Of I'll do" went on
Mr.. haywood. IF you'll give me leave,
TIL just go up there in bout a nour and
let on I'm a burglar and show you that he
can't fight and that he's a miserable cow
ard"
Tarbox said he was agreeable, and at
the end Of the time they went up to the
store, the postmaster and several others
also going along to see the fun on the In
vitation Of Mr.. haywood.
II don't intend to hurt him, !" explained
this gentleman in a whisper, as Tarbox
unlocked the door. "If he don't jump
out the back winder and take the sash
with him, as I reckon he will, l mean to
Just take him down and wool him round
ON the floor till he yells he's got enough
II the white headed furriner can kermand
enough United States to say it."
ELI haywood advanced into the store,
tiptoeing his way down the long center
aisle. The others remained outside, ex-
pectant and cheerful grins showing upon
their faces in the moonlight. They were
all more or less opposed to foreigners and
believers In the doctrine of slippery elm
for the slippery elmites. Suddenly from
out the store there came the dull boom of
an explosion. Then the watchers heard
hurrying footsteps and smothered re-
marks. Then another deadened report.
Nearing footballs. Another thud. Then
a white cloud foated out the door. Stifed
cries Of distress. One more subdued ex-
plosion. The from out the cloud shot ELI
haywood, antiforeigner, clearing the side
walk and landing in the street. As he
touched the ground a 26 pound paper bag
Of -four struck him on the back Of the
neck and exploded. The watchers started
down the street on a run. A -four sack
burst among them, while another smote
tho winged haywood. Then was the voice
Of Peter heard calling: "Booglars, boo
glarsl Poo-lioemans, poo lioemans!"
When the w~atchman came, he found
Peter at the door with a scythe in n
AenS and N hor - Ao,,~ a.. A. .LLa.
faye tank mi booglar try to rob Mees-
ter Tarbox, !" he said. maybe you wait
q leetle he come back and you arrest heem
and tex heem in the morning to Yudge
Yones."
But the burglar didn't come back. In
the morning Tarbox found that II had