The free press., 1899-02-09
WIT AND HUMOR.
Up'to'Date Jokes and Witticisms From III,
Comic Papers.

ionic PAPERS
TWO WHEELS NOW.
Upon cleaning tandem
They used to gayly fit:
He pedalled like major,
And never kicked bit.
But he traded off his tandem
When she became his bride;
To-day she also pedals
When they go forth to ride.
OUT OF THEIR ELEMENT THERE.
Mrs Snaggs-Isn't it odd that fort
une tellers are not able to predict and
avoid dangers which threaten them ?
Mr.. Snaggs-Not at all. As l un-
derstand it, they do not pretend to be
misfortune tellers.
THE SAVAGE BACHELOR.
Men," said the Dear Girl, ''have
as much idle curiosity as women.
More" said the Savage Bachelor.
"Women's curiosity is always active" !"
HAPPY MAN.
"You can't make me believe he is
married to one of those intellectual
women. His clothes are too neat. "
"On that very account, my boy.
She lets him take them to the tailor
for all repairs"
DIFFERENT.
"Now, then, government by con-
Junction"
"You mean Government by injunc-
tion."
"No, 1 don't; I was thinking Of
matrimony."
ooh |"
THE ARTFUL MAN.
"And, then," the fair maiden went
on with her narration. II covered
my face with my hands and wept."
Impossible" calculated the young
man. "You could not cover your face
with those small hands"
And she was his from that day for
ward and they lived happily ever after.
MATURITY.
cat what age does man show the
most intelligence ?"
cat the age when he reaches the
conclusion that he has the least.
THE SCHOOL BOYS OPINION.
Parent-Who is the LATEST boy in
your class, Johnny?
JOHNNY dunno.
81 should think you would know.
When all the others are industriously
writing or studying their lessons who
is he that sits idly in his seat and
watches the rest, instead of working
himself %
"Why, the teacher"
PROPER RESENTMENT.
"No, Miss Petherbridge," said the
young man, folding his arms and look
ing sternly at her, "you can't be
sister to me-. If I'm not good enough
to got into your family you can't gel
into mine.
Saying which, and picking up his
hat and gloves, he walked away will
his head held stiffly erect.
TERRIBLE THOUGHT.
"The first writing was done OF
stone" remarked the dry y-goods-clerl
boarder, who had been reading, late
ly. :,
"Great Heavens Think of tn
postage r. involuntarily exclaimed tn
rising poet, with shudder that rat
tied the dishes and caused the large
| atoms of hash to come to the top.
BIRDS OF SIGNIFICANCE.
'Peace is represented by dove
isn't it ?" asked the man who wa
looking over some allegorical pictures
"Well," answered the official wht
had been to diplomatic banquet
"doves used to figure in that connec
ton. But quail on toast appears tt
be more popular now."
TIME TO SAVE.
Husband-"There, the house ii
furnished at last, and now We can be
gin to save money"
Wife-"Yes, we must save all w
can, for the furniture we got first vii
soon be out of fashion.
SAVING MONEY.
Mrs. Billins-Is your sons wife al
economical young woman
Mrs. Flabbus-I should say so
She has induced him toilet his whisk
ers grow, so as to be able to get along
without neckties.
INDUCEMENTS.
Billy-Does your mother give yo'
anything if you take your medicine
without crying?
Gilly-No. but she generally give'
me something if don't.
AN EXCELLENT REASON.
"She dresses in such remarkable
good taste" ...,
"How do you account for it ?"
"By the fact that she has SO little