The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1899-09-03
DRIVEN OUT BY GOPHERS.
a sUBURBhNITBs HOME DEsPoILED
BIZ NEIGHB0RS PETS

IL . House and Lot In Bloomho1d, N. j
For saio-Threats of Law Involved
Brown lived in Bloomfield, N. j., and boastoC
complaoenuy that no bottor place for q hom'
could DO found He had built his hoiiso Their,
and pumed himself on tho fact that IL q mar
vel Of architecture He had hintod in myston
Gus way, that no could havo sold II many nme
At an immense profit but he would accept nc
price for IL So II was something in tho natur,
| OF surprise when Brown walked into tho New
| York Office Of friend. who dealt in real estate
and. slamming his fist on the desk in the Office
announced:
my place In for sale and don't forgot IL Put
IL on your list and sell it Just soon a. you can
Ill tako any old price for IL"
"Whyi- exclaimed the real estate man. Then
| no stopped short and took good look al Brown.
Brown. ordinarily, was q natty, prim, golf
| playing suburbanite On this occasion, how
| ever. no looked though he had been having a
| personal encounter with Mr. James Jefnes and
had not been having the better of tho interview.
Ono OF his eyes was concealed behind immense
black bandago Tho other eyo was inhamed,
and had far away appearance A front tooth
was missing. Several pieces Of court plaster
were attached to his faco and no soomod wreck.
ooh you needn't stare at me-" ho snarled. Il
feel bad as I look. No moro Bloomfield In
minot-
"Whnts-whats tho mattor7- quer1ed his friend
Too much gopher was tho rotort
Too much-sopher- echoed tho real estate
man
That's what said.- yeiled Brown Too
much gopher. Gopher dL Gopher, Gopher,
air"
"ButI don't understand you said his friend
"of course you don't snoorcd Brown, Il don't
suppose you ovon know what q gopher Isl"
Right you ara"
Lucky for you" said Brown, well. dr gopher
Is q little devil four legs whose homo Ia the
boundless prairie, and he should be kept there
He needs lots Of room. II you want to know any
thing moro about the physical properties Of .
gopher, read o natural history"
Thank you. will" said the real estate man,
but how have gophers bothered your
Bothered me? Hal Hal" laughed Brown,
wildly, do look like candidate for beauty
show7 No? Well, gophers arc 70 blanc for tho
whole thing
But explain yourself
4 will You know that fool Biflins whose
house Is next door 70 miner
Yea I always understood you TO speak well
of him.
$50 did, until discovered tho serpent In his
breast That Bifkins, sir Ia both q fool and
knave He has ruined my homo. He has given
me this appearance"
but hought you said gopher8
"Gophors and Bifkins Binkins and Gophen
Name tho ono. and you have 70 name tho other
Ouchl" and he danced around the ROOM having |
rubbed q sore arm az ainst the desk I
Come, como" said tho real estate man, -ht |
down, and get cool am sure you have an inter |
esting story to tell
Brown shot an angry glance at him. but seated |
himself in the softest armchair theroNwas in The |
Office, and said:
"Bifkins, whose name would not utter wero
Il not essential to giving you an understanding
Of tho facts, Bifkins has friend. an accomplish,
in the wild and woolly West who, 10 aid him in
his devilish design against my peace. sent him
Two gophers, tawny coated little boasts, q diminu-
i've cross between woodchuck and prairie
log. The gophers were received with great 70
oicing on the part of the Bifkins tribe, and / ad-
nit that at first had no suspicion Of what their
advent meant, and so Joined Bifkins in admiriae
he beasts
Ihoy were well mated as gophers 20, and Bif-
kins proceeded 70 build homo for them in his
back yard Moreover they did not give him time
% finish their domicile. for one night they disad-
feared mystenously. Bifkins swore they had
'een stolen, and was, pretended to be- inoonsol-
'ble at their loss. He advertised, offering a 70
ward for their return but To no purpose
One night about a fortnight after the gophers
iou "hon rreuCn leave, went out 70 smoke q
'ipe in my garden. which Is a marvel of garden
xcuse me, should say 'was'-and soon dis
Covered things that had very odd look The
orn stalks were hanging in limp, unbusiness-
Ike manner, and on investigation l found that
hey had been sawed into, near tho roots, by some
hing or other Ilet out a yell that brought Mary,
hats my wife, out of the kitchen in hurry.
whats the matter? she screamed
Mater, l shouted, come here and look at
his. You can give up all hopes of having any
orn this fall
Mary, that's my wife. nearly tainted when she
aw the state Of things
whats done this?' she asked me-
What l sneered who you mean don't
our It's some villain on two legs who is bent
N running mo Just then Mary, that's my wife,
ave another scream, and pulled her skirts tight
round her. She waved finger Historically at
spot in the corner, and looking there's beheld
omething on its hind legs calmly munching q |
can, and looking at us.
Rats shouted, and ran att
well, sir, had hardly taken two steps when the
arth gave way and one OF my legs shot into a hole
o fast that fell fat on my face. haven't got
he gravel all out Of my hide yet
Moles.' l shouted When l managed to get
n my feet again. the something that had been In
he corner wasn't there any longer. and sat down
|
hats my wife. came up then and inquired:
"Are you hurt, Josiah
"Oh, no. l reoined, I'm Just enjoying myself
90 much for words What fools women are some
mes
Don't be sarcastic said she. oh, Josiah, look
the beans
Il looked. Well. sir, my bean patch, Of which
had been Dragging to the neighbors all summer,
'as tangled mass Of ohewed-up leaves II.
Ias terrible
MARY, said l, looking at her sorrowfully,
hero hasn't been any cyclone around hero while |
was at tho office, has thore2
why. no. Josiah. said sho, of course not
well. then said l. what tho -
I paused. mako 1t a rule never to use pro-
Ane language in the presence of my wife But
would have given good deal to have been alone
ist then l continued my peregnnations and
iade tho following discoveries:
Item one-Squash: vines chewed, hacked,
mashed.
'Item tWo-Carots: a wreck
Item three-Parsnps; ditto
Item four-1omatoes; leaves untouched fruit