Hot Springs weekly star. (Hot Springs, S.D.) 1892-1917, 1899-05-05
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him while skating.-Yonkers States
man..
The maid-IW be a sister to you. The
man-Not much! I've just got enough
collar buttons for myself.-New York
Evening Journal.
"You married me for my money!
"What Of 1t? You married me for my
beauty" "Well. both securities have
depreciated."-Life.
The sister, have become engaged
to Fred. The Observation-Disclosures in-
duced you to do that? The sister-Why.
Fred, of course!-Judge.
Miss Fondart-Jack. what do they
mean when they speak of a flrst-water
diamond? Jack-One that's never been
soaked.-Jeweler's Weekly.
Visiting Englishman-How do you ac-
count for this policy Of expansion? Mr..
Starzenstripes-Well, you see. we got
hot. Heat always expands.-Life.
She-In this story 1t refers to empty
bottles as dead men," That's absurd.
He-Where's the absurdity? She-Well,
dead men tell no tales; empty bottles
do.-Moonshine.
"It's depressing. isn't 1t, to find
feathers sticking to your Thanksgiving
turkey?" We'll, it certainly does make
delphia Bulletin.
"Who is the smartest boy in your
class, Bobby?" asked his uncle. I'D
like to tell you," answered Bobby,
modestly, ''only papa says l must not
boast."-Harper's Baza..
Graduate-Now that 1 have my ned
ical diploma, professor, where would
you advise me to practice for wealth2
Professor-In any first-class health re-
sort.-Detroit Free Press.
Tall n (angrily)-Don't dare to con-
tradict me again, sir; don't you know
that 1 could eat you If l chose? Short
one-Ah! but l should disagree with
you even more, then.-Ally Sloper.
Senator Depew-At this point, Mr..
President, 1 am reminded of an anec-
dote- Several other Senators-Mr.
President, l move he have leave to
print the anecdote.-Chicago Tribune.
Mrs. Jimlet-Harold writes from COL
lege that he's larnin' to fence. Farmer
Jimlet-Good enough! I'll let him
string more'n half a mile o. barb-wire
fence as soon as he gifts hum.-Judge.
LADY, wish to get a birthday pres
ent for my husband. Shop-walker-
How long have you been married. mad
anne? Lady-Ten years. Shop-walker
counter to the right, mad
ame.-Boston Traveller.
Captain Ito young cadet just arrived
board)-Well, youngster, the old
story, I suppose-the fool of the fam
lily sent to sea Young cadet-Oh, no.,
sir. That's all been altered since your
day.-Melbourne Times.
Bridget, what is that child crying SO
wildly for??" "Sure, mum, he's Just
drinked all his soothin' syrup and ate
the cork, and l don't know nov what
ails him, unless it's the bottle he wants
to swallow!'-Tit-Bit
81" said the orator, IAN an Ameri-
can Of the good old stock, rooted deep
in the SOIL" The only stock 1 ever
heard of that rooted deep in the soil,"
said the farmer in the audience, was
hogs."-1ndianapolis Journal.
Blobbs-What nonsense it is for
newspapers, in their accounts of we'd
dings, to describe the brides being led
to the altar! Slobbs-How so? Blobbs
Why, most Of the girls could find
their way in the dark.-Tit-Bits.
Jones-Dear me! You say you often
lay down the law to your wife; how do
you go about it? Bones-Why, all you
need is trmness. l usually go into my
study, lock the door, and do it over the
transom; all you need is tirmness-in
the door!-Puck.
What did Colonel Stilwell say about
the branded peaches we sent to cheer
his convalescence?:" HE said he was
afraid he wasn't strong enough to eat
the fruit" replied the little girl, but
that he appreciated the spirit in which
it was sent."-EXchange.
Farmer Oatley (reading from news
paper to his wife)-'It is estimated
that the recent dinner given by Mrs.
Bunderblank was served ut a cost of at
least ten dollars u plate" What must
the victuals have cost? Mrs. Oatley-
Lands sake, Joshua! And such folks
always has "a different plate for every
thing they eat.-Harlem Life.
Boatswain Ito newly Joined cadct-
Come, my little man, you mustn't cry
board of mi of her majesty's ships
of q Did your mother cry when
you left? Cadet-Yes, sir. Boatswain :
Silly old woman! Aud did your sister
cry? Cadet-Yes, sir. Boatswaln-
Stupid little thing! And did your faith
er cry? Cadet-No, sir. Boatswain-
'Ard 'earted old beggar!-Punch.
Counsel-What is your age, MADAME
witnessEForty-seven, sir. Counsel
Married or single? Witness-Single. I
never lad an offer Of marriage in my
life. and If 1t is Of any interest to the
court l don't mind saying that I have
worn false hair for nearly thirty years.