davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
SMITHERS' RETORT.
Ills Sarcastic Reply to the Private
Boarding House Landlady.

Mr.. Smithers is a somewhat fastldious
young man who is looking for new
boarding place. Smithers can't abide
the regulation boarding house, and al
ways tries to live with a private fam
lily. He is now convinced that an lad.
which solicits boarders for mice prl-
vate family" is often snare for stuffy
double fiat, inhabited by one small fam
lily and "a boarders.
Smithers called one day last week at
a place with glowing description just
on the flank of Michigan avenues arts
toCracy.
''Huml Suspiciously like a boarding
house." thought Smithers as he took in
the dimensions. a collarless negro serv-
ant who opened the door confirmed his
suspicious, but he had gone too far
then to back out. A sharp nosed. snippy
landlady came in with top lofty air.
''Er-ah, believe L am mistaken,
he began. 81 supposed L should find
private family. By the advertisement
thu n
The laughter and the familiar board
ing house hum of II clerks and ten
lady stenoGraphers came up froD the
dining room in tire basement. The mis-
tress of the conglomerate private fam
lily" drew herself up proudly. lyon
are entirely mistaken, sir, - she assert
ed in Il grasping, 81 a week voice.
This is not boarding house. although
we have a few friends living with u.s."
Smithers shifted the air. There was
a distinct odor of prunes and corned
beef
"Well, l must say" he remarked as
he turned up his coat collar and fled
down the steps, THAT it smells like a
boarding house, madam. Chicago
Inter Ocean
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
4 Fortune In n Kiss.

1t was n kiss which made the fame
and fortune of one of the leading artists
in France today.
When he was young student in the
QUARTER Latin. Paris. he came to the
end of the slight resources left by his
parents and was almost on the verge of
starving.
In moment of hilarity he stole
kiss from "A pretty pair Of lips he met
in the street and was quickly called to
account by the offended girl
When he made his appearance in
court. the presiding judge asked if he
was n relative Of Maitre c., ia
mons French advocate of the sixties.
81 am his son, the culprit answer
ed. After infiicting a small fine the
judge asked the young man to call on
him in the evening.
1t transpired that the young artists
father had been the judges dearest
friend and adviser many years earlier,
and the judge, who was bachelor, was
delighted to be in position to assist
his son. He bought many of the artists
pictures and introduced him TO several
wealthy art patrons, so that fame and
fortune came quickly--St. Louis Post
DiSuatch
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
In the BOARDING House.

Gazing dreamily at the ''God Bless
Our Home" pastel ON the wall, the
boarder with the freckles on his nose
continued. Eyes. it really gives me
great pleasure to notice that the butter
is convalescing
The man with the barb wire beard
looked unhappy. and an expression of
contempt, not unnixed, however, with
curiosity, fitted across the face of the
landlady.
"Convalescing she replied. "WLat
do you Rean?''
The man with the yellow whiskers
smiled expectantly.
The man with the freckles on his
nose nerved himself for the ordeal and
replied because it grows stronger ev-
cry dayr'
During the excitement that followed
the man with the double chin helped
himself to the last slice of bread on the
table. Baltimore American.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
Washington and General Hove's Dos

While the British occupied Philadel-
phia and the American force lay in
winter quarters at Valley Forge, one
day as Washington and his staff Were
dining, fine hunting dog, which was
evidently lost. came to seek something
to eat. On its collar was the name,
General Howe"
Washington ordered that the dog
should he fed, and then he sent it to
Philadelphia under a flag of truce, with
letter reading: General Washing
tons compliments to General Howe.
He does himself the pleasure to return
to him dog which accidentally fell
into his hands and by the inscription
on the collar appears to belong to Gen
eral Howe"
The British commander, in reply.
sent a cordial letter conveying his
warm thanks for this act of courtesy of
his enemy.-Paul Leicester Ford in La
dies Home Journal.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
AFamous Milestone.

One of the oldest milestones is to be
seen in the museum at Leicester. Eng
land. 1t is a cylindrical block of sand
stone, roughly inscribed with an alb
breviated statement to the effect that it
was erected during the emperorship Of
Caesar Hadrian, son of Trajan, con-
queror of Parthia- 1t also says. ITO
Leicester. Two Miles. The Hadrian
milestone was discovered over a century
ago beside the ancient Fosse way and
narrowly escaped being converted into
a lawn roller by the unromantic and
practical finder.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
The sagacion. Rat.

One day a well fed and sagaclous -at
came across an object made of wire,
whose sole occupation seemed TO be to
take care of a liberal piece of cheese.
Having had several years experience
with men and their Vaccinations, the
rat locked the ground over with great
care, and he was still engaged in this
occupation when mouse appeared and
wanted to know what was up.
why, the fact is, replied the rat,
al have more cheese here than / can
possibly eat at one meal, and as cheese
quickly spoils in this climate I was
waiting for some one to come along and
accept portion. -
lyon are generous" said the mouse.
Don't mention it. Just step inside
and pass the cheese out. will you p
The mouse had no sooner nibbled at
the bait than there was a crash, and he
found himself trapped.
''Ah, that's the way it works, is it p
queried the rat. Il couldn just make
it ont. I'm! 1 see. Spring there some
where. Good idea"
''But I'm caught" exclaimed the
mouse in great agitation.
$50 l observe.
'And what's to be done?''
"Well, leave that for you to decide.
1 let you in on the ground floor. and my
responsibility ceased there Fine day.
Hope we shall have good harvest. "
Moral -Experience acquired at the
expense of others is soothing as we'll as
valuable. Boston journal.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
THE SCALING LADDER.
How 1t IL Used at Fires In Very High
Buildings.

The most promising pupils among
those admitted TO the school of instruc-
ton at the New York fire headquarters
are said TO be those who have served
an apprenticeship in professions that
have called them aloft. Sailors, paint
ers, rcofers and steeple climbers have
the advantage of their preliminary
training. The first thing that a neo-
phyre is called upon to learn is how to
handle the scaling ladder.
This bit of apparatus is long. well
seasoned tongue of timber with short
crosspieces PASSING through it. 1t ter
inmates at the top with long hook,
which has three or four ratchetlike
projections on its undersurface and
weighs from20 to 40 pounds. There is
a special knack in handling it dexter
slight and small of stature can manage
a ladder which Goliath would find
difficulty in handling
There is no piece of apparatus in
the fire department, says one who has
made study of its methods, which,
skillfully handled, can be made to serve
more purposes than this scaling ladder.
The longest extension ladder in the de-
partment measures 80 feet, but the man
with the scaling ladder can go up IA
or ) stories without becoming exhaust
ed At fires before an extension ladder
can be put in position one fireman can
push scaling ladder into a second
story window, scramble up and go from
story to story to- the very roof. He is
followed by second fireman, who takes
his ladder with him story by story, and
this fireman by third, until by the
time the first man has reached the top
there is completed chain behind him.
down which the rescued may be carried
and the fireman Himself escape. New
York Tribune
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
Whnt the nl.hop rhoueht.

Sometimes profanity is profane, and
.aaen there aye deliverances of that sort
that do not sound profane. 1t depends
a good deal upon the lips whence the
words flow. Not long ago bishop of
the Episcopal church from northern
state-a cleric with n well developed
sense of humor-made a flying visit to
Washington, stopping at the home here
of gentleman who used to be one of
his parishioners. This gentleman is adj
dicted to sulphuric speech. He has
prayerfully resisted for many years his
natural impulse to wither up the air
upon the slightest occasion. but cuss he
will, and he can't help it. One day,
while the bishop was at his house. the
host found that something had gone
wrong in his stable. and he let out on
the coachman in his customary luri6
style. After he had singed the atmos-
phere in the neighborhood of the stable
for five minutes he started back fer the
house, and he was somewhat chagrined
to see the bishop standing in the yard,
looking at seine flower beds. The gen
tleman knew that the bishop had heard
him.
81 know it isn't right, he explain
ed to the bishop. but you know me,
and you know that / call Il spade
spade
"Do your" inquired the bishop. with
a quizzical smile. Now. should have
thought that you' d call it - SHOW
ell. Washington Post.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
Financial Poetry.

An unusual album was presented to
Willis Clark. brother of Lewis Gaylord
Clark, the poet, on one occasion, with
"a request for "some rhymes.
Mr.. Clark was at the house of a
farmer, and the mans daughter had
turned an old account book into an
autograph album in which were in
scribed the names of her various friends
and relatives below appropriate senti-
ments.
Mr.. Clark saw his opportunity, and
after turning over the leaves for mo-
ment or two he took pen and wrote
the following verse;
6 g. d
This worlds n scene as dark as Styx
Where hope is scarce worth
Our joys are born fieeting hence
That they dear at 10
And yet to stay here many willing
Although they may not have
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02

right sustenancc, and kept in position
of ease, happy thought, pleasing sensa-
dreds of children arr puny, slow, with
nerveless supine motions and unintelli-
gent countenances, because the mother
was forced to put all her energies into
the power to bear them. without the
strength besides to give them the vital
flow of sturdy health. Habtual use of
Pabst Malt Extract, The Best" Tonic,
makes rich and pure blood, strengthens
the bones and muscles, and adds to tho
development OF the perfect form, glow
ing vitality in the mother, which aids
her not only to hear, but build.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
Human Eye Faster Than the Pen.

''You read /, 600 miles, - is the calcu-
lation of clever individual fond of de-
tails. The eyes of the average busy
man, in reading alone, travel 1000
miles, which Is equivalent to an ''ocu-
lar trip third of the distance across
our continent. Even the busiest man
probably travels with his eyes 10 miles
of type yearly. and there are doubtless
many readers who travel six times the
distance If you read yellow backed
novel. your eyes have traversed from a
mile to mile and half of type. The
busiest pen cannot keep up with this
pace With ordinary use. your pen has
not travelled as far as from New York
to Albany.-Philadelp Inquirer.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
PASSING OF THE NIeHTcAp.
Our Catarrhal Troubles Are Largely
Due To Its Abandonment.

Our Catarrhal Troubles Are Largely
Due To Its Abandonment.
eff the American people would only
put ON nightcaps when they go to bed,
there would not be near so many cases
of catarrhal trouble as there are now"
said Chicago physician. He contin-
ned: ''It is well known that as a ma
tion the percentage of catarrhal COM
plants is greater among us than in any
other ra1.on in the world and that there
are more eases among men than among
women. The reason for this dispropor-
ton is the absence of nightcaps and the
habit of smoking in the open air Wo-
men. if they smoke at all. do not do SO
in the open air, and if they DO not wear
nightcaps they are in a measure pro-
tected by their heavier heads of hair
Men, on the contrary, habitually wear
their hair close cut, are careless about
the temperature of the rooms in which
they sleep, and while all the rest of the
body IS carefully protected the head
may be exposed all night to a zero tenn
peratuTe and that at the very time
when nature IS at its lowest ebb and
can do the least TO protect itself. If We
would begin by nightcapping all our
children and induce them to keep up
the habit in later years, within gen
GRAFTON or two cataTrh wOuld be a COM
paratively rare disease in the United
States
''Englishmen and the people of the
continent know an American by two
things.his liberality with money and
his habit Of hawking and splitting.
They cannot understand the latter, as
catarrh Is an unusual complaint abroad.
But nightcaps are not They are IA recOg-
nized part Of the night toilet through
out Europe. and to this is due the free
dom of the people there from distress
ing complaint.
"Who ever sees n nightcap in this
country? But in England it is so much
matter Of course that its great writer.
Dickens, frequently mentioned it in or
der to give the proper touch Of realism
to his creations" - Chicago Inter
Ocean.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02

already, though she has not
taken enough veto expect any
taken p great deal OF malt and
thinks that, on the whole,
Pabst's is the best in reality as
well as in name. I shall surely
prescribe The BEST" Tonic in
cases where q malt extract is
indicated. CIV. HUSE, NJ. ID.
Dorchester, Mass.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
BuckIen's .Arnica saIve.

The best salve in the world for cuts,
bruises, sores, ulcers, salt rheum,
fever sores, letter, chapped hands,
chilblains, corns and all skin erup-
tions, and positively cures piles, or no
pay required. 1t is guaranteed to
give perfect satisfaction or money re-
funded. Price % cents per box. For
sale by Hartz & Ullemeyer
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02

and at least give the Best" Tonic a
trial, if not for her own sake, for that of
ner child. Let heE provide for baby as
nature says every mother should.
To produce magnificent children was
supreme aim among the Greeks, those
lovers of perfection in those rigid ath-
letic exercises which aggrandized the
glory of the body. For without a perfect
body how can babe ut once begin to
fight the battle of existence with con-
quering energy, or how derive those
elements of hardness, pure blood, calm
nerves and bright mind, if the mother
is not prepared, helped and insured
against too great weakness, given the
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02

wish to say that 1 feel under last
ing obligations for what Cham berlain's
Cough Remedy has done for our fam
lily. We have used it in so many
cases of coughs, lung troubles and
whooPing cough, and it has always
given the most perfect satisfaction,
we feel greatly indebted to the manu-
facturers of this remedy. and wish
them to pleace accept our hearty
thanks.-Respeetfully, Mrs. S. Doty.
Des Moines, Iowa. For sale by all
druggists.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
A Bald Statement.

''1t's hard TO be happy once you've
got reputation for saying sarcastic
things. " remarked the sad eyed man.
Whats the trouble?''
eve lost another friend. 1 compli
mented him on being the most cool
headed person 1 ever saw. He took it
as an allusion to the fact that he is to-
tally bald. w Washington Star.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
Pronf PosfIiYe.

Tommy Browns your big sister
engaged to Mr.. White7
Susie Green-No. an | guess she
don't want to be
Tommy Brown-Did she say sol
Susie Green-No. but she knowed he
was comm tonight. an she eat onions
ut supper. - Catholic Standard and
Times
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02

dered several of my patients to
get n case of it. i shall keep
ordering it for my patients as
long as 1 find it benefits them
as much as II has.
f. J. HASTINGS, NJ. d.
Boston, Mass.
My wife has begun to take
Pabst Malt Extract, and ii
seems to have benefited her
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
He Was scared.

The doctor looked at him.
lyon are dyspeptic. he said.
Then he put his ear TO the patients
heart and gravely added:
"a high liver.
Heavens cried the startled pa
tient. 80 'Tain't as high as that, is itf"
Cleveland Plain Dealer
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02

What you want is not temporary re-
lief from piles, but a cure to stay
cured. DeWitt's Witch Hazel Salve
cures piles, and they stay cured
Soothes and quickly heals old sores,
scalds, cuts, bruises, wounds and
skin diseases. For sale by T. III.
Thomas, A J. Reiss and M T. Balm
sen, druggists
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
InadeIitx n Tragedy.

No two kinds of birds fly alike The
style of flight depends on the structure
and form of the feathers, the wings and
the tail
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02

Ihave seen very good results
from the prolonged use of
your Malt Extract, The BEST"
Tonic, and l find the prepare
ticn very beneficial, especially
for nursing women.
DIR. +. BECKER-LAURICH.
New York, N. Y.
L find Pabst Malt Extract a
very good tonic, and have or
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02

Arnold's Bromo Celery cures head
aches; 10, 25 and so cents. Reiss'
drug store.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02

TO Ia.
Bea-,tb =, The KIND You Haze hlsays Hcggh.
s .: : ''' &M1ZSzzS
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-06-02
A Life Saver
T. II. THOMAS,
A. j. R Hess.

DpTCCIST Corner OF Fourth Avenue and
DhUuuIOI, Twenty-third St. Rock Island Ill.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-10-16
when Lincoln Died.

And so tire hours passed without per-
ceptiblc change in the presidents con-
dition and with only slight shifting OF
the scene around him. The testimony
of those who had witnessed the muir
der began to be taken in an adjoining
room. Occasionally the figures at the
bedside changed. Mrs. Lincoln came
in at intervals. SobbinG out her grief,
and then was led away. This man
went, another took his place. 1t was
not until daylight that there came Il
pcrccptiblc change. Then the breath
ing grew quieter. the face became
more calm.
The doctors at Lincoln's side knew
that dissolution was near. Their bull
letin of Is o'clock read. Pulse falling"
that of half past 6, still falling" that
of =. symptoms of immediate disSolu-
ton" and then at - minutes past a,
in the presence of his son. Secretaries
Stanton. Wclles and Usher. Attorney
General Speed, Senator Sumner, Pri-
vate Secretary Hay. DIR. Gurlcy, his
pastor, and several physicians and
friends. Abraham Lincoln died.
There was Il prayer. and then the
solemn voice of Stanton broke the still
ness, Now he belongs to the ages
McClure'S Magazine.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-10-16
Chinese sun and Moon.

In China the sun and moon are
brother and sister. The moon is the
elder brother. who looks after his rath-
er silly sister, the sun. This is exactly
the reverse of our legends, which make
the sun the day king and the gentle
moon lady of the night.
one day in China, so the legend runs,
the sun asked the moon if she couldn't
go out at night. The moon answered
very Sternly: No. You are a young
lady, and it would be improper for you
to 20 out after dark" Then the sun
said, But the people keep looking At
me when 1 go out in the daytime" So
the moon told her to take the golden
needles that she wore in her hair and
stick them into the eyes of people
when they stared At her This is the
reason why no one can look at the sun
without pain.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-10-16
tot Even With Randolph.

O2C night when travelling through
Virginia John Randolph stopped at an
inn near the forks of two roads. The
innlleepcr was fine old gentleman.
and, knowing who his distinguished
guest was. he cndcavOrcd during the
evening to draw him into Il cOnversa-
ton. but failed. Eut in the morning,
when Mr.. Randolph was ready to
start, he called for his bill and paid it,.
The landlord. still anxious to have
some conversation, tackled him again:
(which way are you travelling, Mr.
Randolph
Sir said Mr.. Randolph, with a look
of displcasUrc.
Il asked" said the landlord, (which
way yoH are traveling?"
Have l paid you my billy
"YeS."
''Do 1 owe you anything more?"
'No.''
well, I am going just where I
please. DO you understands
Yes"
The landlord by this time got some
what excited, and Mr.. Randolph drove
off. But to the landlords surprise in
few minutes lac sent one of the serv-
ants to inquire which Of the forks Of
the road to take. Mr.. Randolph, still
being within hearing distance. the
landlord yelled at the top of his voice:
Mr. Randolph, you don't owe me
one cent; take whichever road yOl
please"
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-10-16
His UncontaSious Laugh.

Laugh and the world laughs with
YOU How true that is" said Mr.. HiS-
gleson. ITO have written just that
line was worth living for
"Oh, l don't know about that Mrs.
HigglesOn replied. Il admit that there
is a good deal of philosophy in the
poem from which those words are tax
en-, but it isn't always true"
"My dear" Mr.. Hi"gleSon exclaimed,
''you are mistaken. 1t is always true.
Laugh and the world laughs with YOU
It's as true as anything that has ever
been written. The whole philosophy
of human existence is bound up il
those few words"
The whole philosophy of human ex-
istence may be bound up in them" the
lady responded. but l insist that it
doesn't always happen that way. I've
noticed that you always laugh when
you try to tell Il funny story. but it's
very seldom that the world laughs
with you
Mr.. HigGlcson drew himself up with
all the dignity he could command and,
striding angrily from the room, eX-
claimed:
LAS Milton says in his Essay on
Man. How sharper than Il scrpents
tooth it is To have Il sneering wife. -
New York Telegram.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-10-16
Fixed the Fire Anyhow.

1.-THE worst lind of fool in the
world is q welI meaning fool" said n
detective sa gely. Il was walking along
one night in a neighborhoOd not neces-
sary To specify. when up rushed 4
man in his shirt sleeves and grabbed
me by the arm. Say, officer. he eX-
claimed. calling me 10y name, 1 just
saw n fellow do something that he
ought to get ten years for at least.
He was big loafer in a checked suit.
and 1 would know him again in
China
=. But what did he dog l Interrupted.
WHY, l was sitting on my porch
replied the man in shirt sleeves, and
saw him 90 up deliberately to that
letter box on the corner and drop in 4
lighted cigar stump. Just think of the
valuable mail the scOundrel might
have destroyed"
Are you sure the cigar was lit?' 1
asked.
well, I'm pretty sure he said,
but you needn't to worry. He hasn't
burned up anything
How the dickens DO you know he
hasn't: said l, surprised.
why, l got q pitcher of water and
poured it right in said he. j walked
off. l never did find out what those
letters looked like when the carrier
got arOund."-New Orleans Times
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-10-16

y correspondent of The Spectator
tells of an aged parrot of most con-
sentative instincts. The owner had re-
Gently 4 new carpet in her dining
room, where the parrot lives, and Pol
" made herself quite i'll with her
strong objection to this innovation.
She screamed Take it away" till she
was exhausted. and at last she refused
to eat her food till they brought
square of the old carpet and put it
around the cage. She then at once be-
came cheerful and reconciled to life,
though she will never take her walks
abroad beyond her beloved piece of
old CARPET