The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1899-12-14
Eli PERKINS GRIEF
Chambermaid at the Carey
Dumps His Proof Sheets
INTO AN OLD ASH BARREL
HumoriSt Talks Fun, Politics,
History and Expansion.
INTO AN OLD ASH BARREL


osophers in the country today. Between
his jabs Of wit he occasionally sand
wiches a political truth Cbut never in his
lectures) that sets the Bryanites and fu-
siontsts 10 hating themselves. The hui
n1orist was seen in his room at the
Carey last night He was in his shirt
sleeves and hard at work, with manu-
scripts and proof sheets scattered all
about him Eli wasn't in the best e
huraor when the reporter called, because
he and the chanbermaid had had little
trouble. He had left his papers scattered
on the table, wash-stand, bed and every
where, and a lot Of the proof sheets
which he had been reading had fallen
on the floor. The chamoermaid who was
cleaning the room in his absence picked
them up and dumped them in the waste
basket After an hours search they
were found in the ash barrel out in the
alley, together with all the other scraps
and cigar stubs gathered from the rooms.
That was a narrow escape" said Eli.
The manuscript is gone. and If the proof
sheets had been burned up-weu, I'd
have 10 write all that stuff over again,
and you know what a job it is to re-write
something from memory"
The humorist says ne is on his way TO
Cherryvale. where ne is TO tell the obso-
lete truth for TWO hours tonight
Speaking Of funny things" said Eli
Il met q soldier on the train out OF Nick
erson yesterday who said he had just
come from Cuba
What did you learn down there?'
asked.
u learned a darned sight said the
soldier. sadly.
Well, what IS one thing you iearned?'
I learned that man could be IN two
places at once
Oh, come or I said. No man could
be IN two places at once-omnipresent.'
&" Well I was, said the soldier. I was
down there fighting the Spaniards ard
home sick
Speaking Of David Harum sto-ios."
said Eli, II knew David well; only his
real name was David Hannum. David
was a real farmer and lightning rod ped
der and lived in Homer. n. Y.
"One day asked David why his father
stopped raising huckvheat.
- II want good for no-hin'. that's why
But I thought buckwheat was
healthful and nutritious said.
d" 'leighbor.' he said, looking over his
glasses, Father had a bitter experience (
with buckwhea.t He fed st TO US children
and it made scabs on our faces; he bed
ded down the hogs with the straw and it
gave the hogs scurvy. Finally. he sold
all his buckwheat 10 q chicken feeder,
and his hens began 70 have sore crops
And he stopped raising it? re-
marked.
" Yes, sir, he did Father stacked up
ell his buc1straw out in the clearin'. We
thought It would rot down and make q
rich watermelon patch
And it did. didn't it?'
No, sir. I will make an affidavit
that when father went out to plant wa
termeIons the next spring where the
buckwheat stack stood. we found it had
rotted down and there was a hole in the
eroundr"
The reporter for the Eagle remarked to
Eli that the witty newspaper men shook (
him up a good deal.
10 hang Their Jokes on. For instance.
the Chicago Tribune had this paragraph I
the other day:
In his lecture last night at the Chi (
csgo Music hail, Eli Perkins told some I
funny anecdotes about the Missouri and /
Kansas gas wells. He spoke very favor /
ably OF them, which Is magnanimous on /
the part Of Eli, when we come to think /
that these gas wells are the only real (
rivals he has"
Then the Cleveland Leader wit said: 4
The evidence came out the trial OF /
Robert Smith Of Canton for incendiarisrn
that he burned the opera house the next
day after Eli Perkins Ieotured there. II
Alr. Smith can prove by competent wit
Desses that he did actually commit the
great crime after hearing Eli Perkins
lecture, the jury viii. no doubt. bring in
q verdict Of justidable incendiarismI
NOW said Ell. smiling. 7 call those
two paragraphs good dry Wit. and 1 !
could hug the bright newspaper men who
wrote them"
Drifting into politics. where Eli LEI
juicy humor merge into hard, philosophy
cal facts. he said.
Poor BRYAN, I wonder where he IS
going 10 land They have driven him
and free silver out @, every place but
Texas. His silver ideas are dead and
deserted. His anti-imoerialistic lingo is
unpopular. and his free trade plank -
buried What else has he got left2"
He VIII be the presidential nominee
OF his party. viii he mott"
That may be true That's just what
We want Then The campaign can De
conducted without any money. and The
country viii elect Mckinley Just the same
and be better on"
Speaking Of the administrators var
policy. etc, Mr., Perkins was asked how
long 1t would be before Porto Rico and
the Philippines would be entitled % send
rep~e<entatives 10 The United States
congress
Probably ten years They mus. first
r treated ana governed as ,a-rlt1rl,S
Tie same as Oklahoma Pue,ie schools
must De- instituted and psronized. The
citizens must he taught ous form ~ gov
eminent ana h5H 10 vote Al I tel
y7u. Mckinley has q wise hea Ea $
planning 80 Eec Cuba by giving tie Veo-
pie their freedom II viii be -rgz missed
as free republic and then McEf1lsy
VIII spring che free trade idea on them.
i-sfFr .E--