The times., 1899-12-22
Facing n Prcdicnment

Since Mr.. Perry 5. Heath has been un-
tremendously impressed into the service of
the Republican Bureau of Literary Expla-
nation, now in process of incubation under
the auspices of Mr.. Hanna, the keen edge
of the First Assistant Postmaster Gener-
ais holiday enjoyment has doubtless been
dulled by the contemplation OF the onerous
task that awaits him. The problem OF
properly manipulating the United States
mails is as simple as the process of licking
a postage stamp compared to the solution
Of the quandaTies Mr.. Heath Will have to
face at every town when he essays to con-
vince a long-suffering nation that its NAL
treatment has been purely imaginary Po-
litical faith cure seems to be the only ex-
pedient for Mr. Heath for by what other
means he can change the clamor of the
oppressed into the hosaunas of the credu-
lous is not apparent.
There can be no doubt that Chairman
Hanna expects his literary chief to accom-
plish political wonders, for nobody appre-
ciates the current demand for partisan mir
acles more than the same Hanna Mr..
Heath viii be looked to for tracts ealcu-
lated 10 convince The restless multitude
that not only is the moon made of the
greenest sort Of cheese, but that the stars
are really celestial crackers to make com
plete the heavenly dish Mr. Heath viii
be under the necessity TO cajollng the voter
into the belief that the trust ogre is merely
the fgment Of an unpleasant dream and
that some wicked little demon IN that noe
turnaI vision is responsible for the pain
ful impression that greedy corporations are
vampires subsisting on the good, red cor
puscles Of the body polite.
The silver question, too. has not been
answered and none knows this better than
the new manager OF the Hanna Explana-
ton Bureau. But he does not intend to an
swer it. His aTtifce will lie in the direc-
tion Of caioling the masses into the belief
that having been quietly abandoned by the
party dominant, il would really be dis
for the general public to resume
an agitation that is so obnoxious TO the
gentlemen who are so busily engaged in
running the machinery Of government.
II will likewise be the duty of the First
Assistant Postmaster General 10 convince
tA1N man tudl DlIuCbdIil6UI is as IN
desirable for the financial system as bu-
bonic plague; that after thorough study
OF its pernicious proclivities, the RepubI-
can party has decided TO direct Mr.. Gage
to establish a quarantine against It.
Mr.. Heath has accepted his political com
mission with outward cheerfulness, and
perhaps without inward misgivings. in or
der to accomplish what he will be held re-
sponsible for, however, he will have 10
proceed or the theory that the demand for
Republican gold bricks and green goods
is even better than it was in 1896, and that.
with proper precautions against discovery.
al Of the people can be fooled all Of the
time. notwithstanding the incontroyertible
fact that the majority of those who were
yictimized in the last Presidential campaign
are still alive and fully prepared TO kick
Mr. Heath, however, will soon be on the
firing line. and he must, indeed, be an art
ful dodger, If he escapes the shrapnel that
the public has been saving for him. Facts
are going TO be awkward things for the
Republican party in the impending cam
paign, ana, unless the signs are misleading.
the public is determined TO use them un-
sparingly in a bombardment that will make
Hanna Heath, and others feel almost as
uncomfortable as Emilio Aguinaldo.