The Denison review. [volume] (Denison, Iowa) 1867-current, 1899-10-03
[IRAMK plLgBWRY'@
U COUNTERFEIT
A Put Up Job on Supposed Fool
and How One Of the Con-
spirators Played It on
the Rest.
BY ALBERT r. COLLIER.
BY ALBERT R. COLLIER.

8 q
/ don't know what can have made us
all take Frank Pilsbury for a fool, but
l am sure we did SO judge him. Some
of them, if | were to name them here,
might arise in their indignation and
effrontery and deny that they were
ever mistaken about P%ilsbury's mental
caliber, but it would be the height of
insincerity IN their part. AS for me, l
freely confess that l thought him an
extremely simple youth until these
things happened which l am going to
tell. And yet l do not know why we
took him for a fool unless it was be-
cause of several outward indications
which we ~observed-to wit:
He parted his hair in the middle and
which was not high.
He wore kid gloves all through the
summer.
He would talk earnestly with a girl
for an hour at a time, giving her points
about how to trim a hat.
But that is the worst Of these dudes.
You never know quite for certain
whether they are fools clear through
or only On the surface.
This mistake Of ours was set right
about the close of the war with Spain
or a little before it's close. And it hap
pened as follows:
Late in the spring Of 1898 Jeanette
Brennan was showing signals of dis
tress, and she let it be understood
Frank Pilsbury. 1t appeared that he
was making love to her, chiefly by Civ
ing her a great deal Of his society
with advice on millinery matters-and
also by presenting her with flowers,
not artificial millinery flowers, but
real ones. All this bored Jeanette,
and as Jeanette was a good sort Of
cir! we boys said that it ought to be
put a stop to. Besides, Jeanette was
by public opinion assigned to be the
fate Of one Robinson, who was not at
all a fool, like Pilsbury, and was a
general favorite.
About this time 1t was reported that
Letitia Helmund had at last yielded
to the persistency of Fred Stimms'
wooing and had allowed him to call it
an engagement. Then a number OF
the boys enlisted for the war, Fred
among them, Frank Pilsbury not. Ev-
erybody slapped Fred on the back and
called him a good fellow. Everybody
felt sorry for Letitia Helmund be-
cause Fred had gone to Tampa and
was being eaten by mosquitoes, and
everybody felt sorry for Jeanette be-
cause Frank would not expose his per-
feet complexion to the ravages Of these
spiteful insects.
Letitia Helmund was present one
day when somebody said: Cant we
make Frank Pilsbury go off to the
war? Can't we bring public opinion to
bear on himY"
I.etitia sighed, thinking no doubt Of
poor Fred broiling and being eaten at
Tampa. Then she said in her gentle,
musical way, "If everybody wants
poor Frank Pilsbury out of the way,
why not get him to go to Tampa"
do you think he could be persuaded
to go that far?"
81 think he might" said Letitia.
Why was it that nobody had thought
Of this before? Frank Pilsbury was, by
eminence, the squire Of danes among
us. Letitia's plan was simply to go off
herself to Tampa SO as to be nea poor,
heroic Fred, and to make Frank go
with her as escort. Jeanette thanked
her with tears of gratitude. Everybody
called the plan an inspiration Of genius
and also a huge joke. The idea of max
Ing pretty Frank go to that abomina-
BILE den of mosquitoes and hold a sun
shade over Letitia's head SO that Fred
might make love to her In peace be-
tween drills!
And Frank consented like a lamb.
And the two started together amid the
cheers. and also the jeers, of all the
girls and of all the boys who had not
gone to the front before them.
The next we heard of those three
was by letter. First from Letitia to
Jeanette, like this:
"Frank Pilsbury has proved a devot-
ed and useful escort. l don't know
what l should have done without him.
Fred laughs at him and wonders what
he does with himself down here, but l
tell Fred that if it had not been for
my little dude as he calls him, l could
not be here. And it is q great thing to
be neal ones soldier boy, isn't it? So !
have much to thank my little dude
for"
Then from Fred Stimms:
"Letitia is up at the hotel, and l see
her about every day. Frank Pilsbury
is all right. He keeps out of the way
when Letitia and l are together, which
is what he's here for, l guess. We call