The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-11-24
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
CUPID WITH A
WOODEN HAND
How O Bachelor Outwitted His
Sister and Got Married.

In his youth my Uncle David, accord
ing to my mother, was a flower of
beauty. He may have been, but when
he came to live with US he had faded
and was short, thick man Of so, with
! scorched eyes, the whites being streak
| ed yellowish brown, knotty face and
n wooden hand strapped to his right
| wrist. But, as he had done well on
the sea, he was still beautiful. AS !
| was his heir presumptive, l was like
wise assistant custodian of him, for
| my mother was ever one to guard her
treasures.
My duty was to go abroad with him
| and see to it that no woman had
| private conversation with him, my in
| structions being. If they endeavored to
do so, to hurry him home. resorting.
if necessary. to pretended cramps, a
| sickness to which / was predisposed.
And my Office was not an easy one.
| for he had in his day been quite a
blade and had never lost his edge, and
| the vigilance had to exercise to keep
him from harm would have saved
congregation Of ordinary sinners. He
would always wink his scorched eyes
| at the girls we met and occasionally
stop to speak with them. despite my
Juggling at his coat and having cramps.
All his transgressions | would report
ut home. and my mother would then
blacken the characters of the young la
dies in question to a degree that satan
himself would not have associated
with them without wearing an amulet.
By these and similar means we saved
him for q year, and might have saved
| him to the day of his death had not
been taken down with my first love
affair and become correspondingly
mushy. How true 1t Is that lovers are
the tenpins of the gods! Being mushy,
l fell to plying his isolation from femi-
nine charms and wGs thereby led, on
the 18th of February, to sending him
q valentine-a pair Of plump red
hearts spitted on golden arrow. 1t
duly posted. and later it was delivered
to him. That evening. being Wednes!
day, my mother went, as was her in
7iolate custom. to prayer meeting, leav-
ing me on guard. AS the door closed
chair and went to the window.
"She's aboard" he said, peering out.
There's light on her port side"
"a what?" said l, knowing l must
report the remark.
He made no reply, but came back to
his chair.
"Bennie," he said presently, did you
ever get valentipe?"
mo. sir" said family. did you"
He did not answer.
do you know when you are going to
wear watch?" he asked suddenly.
was going to say when he died, but
thought better of it.
II do" he went on; tomorrow. 1t
is in my chest. 1t doesn't so, but when
you want to know the time you can run
home and find out"
"of course" exclaimed joyfully.
:"Why not?"
Answer yourself" he said. ITO
morrow it is yours. Tonight we are
going out. Fetch me my feathers"
l got between him and the door.
"Come to think" he said, eying me
sharply. 1.-The watch does go, and there
Is chain to it,
Eve got only an apple. What would
she have done for watch? Without
word | brought him his best suit,
which he always spoke of as his
feathers, from the press in my moth
er's room and where she was keeping
it against his funeral.
you can't get them on" / said
hopefully. noting their SIZE.
mo more have | for so years." he
answered. but can pull in. II you
hear me ripping, look sharp and turn
me the other way. There is charm
to the chain"
He shouldn't have mentioned the
charm. for the rapidity with which !
got him into his clothing damaged his
wind, but when l had him crowded
into them he looked fine. barring
alarming symptoms of suddenly COM
ing out Of them at all points. AS
soon as he was dressed we started,
taking along his great coat, to be used
in case of accident.
A square down the street we stop
ped. Then my heart beat comfortably.
1t was Miss Hannah BaXter's house,
and I did not consider Miss Hannah
at all dangerous, she being my moth
er's bosom friend and with reputa-
ton as a man hater, having once in
public meeting prayed for the saving
Of men. whom she designated as de-
throned devils. In response to my
uncle's knock, Miss Hannah opened
the door.
1.-THE Lord save us!' she exclaimed
inhospitably. els 1t your
at is" said my uncle. swapping for
breath, being much blown from WAX
Ing and the tightness of his garments.
at is. AS said, I'm doing"
Though saw that she did not I'M
derstard the speech. she let us into the
sitting room and asked us to be seated.
1t was the one thing my uncle should
mot have done. for as he touched the
asettle there were ripping sounds, and
knew should have trouble in getting
him out of the house. He was but lit
tie affected.
"She's let go all over" he said calm
ly and then. Hannah Baxter, come
here.'
81 won't" said Miss Hannah, stand
ing on the other side Of the fireplace.
VI won't! Why should IF
Because you have done 1t again."
said my uncle. "After 80 years you've
done it again, red hearts and ALL You
know what said I'd do if you done 1t |
again."
Miss Hannah started. 81 neyerT she
exclaimed. II neverw
you did!'' shouted my uncle. Ben
ME, fetch her here"
l hesitated, but suddenly remember
ing the watch, I sprang upon her and
catching her around the waist, began
pulling her toward the settle, my uncle |
encouraging me by cries of Bravo
and by pounding on the settle with his |
wooden hand. She was no match for
me, and so, though she fought valiant.
~, 1 soon landed her on the settle. |
Then, to my horror. my uncle grabbed
her and repeatedly kissed her on what |
ever part OF the face came convenient |
ly to his lips, for she still struggled, |
though hardly as a virgin Of so should |
have struggled.
Seeing this brought me to my senses, |
and flew at them and tried to tear |
her from him, but as she eyinced no |
desire to be liberated, and as my uncle |
beat me soundly on the head with his |
wooden hand. 1 desisted and took to |
cramps OH the floor. This had no effect |
whatever. SO l recovered. and. rushing |
from the house. ran to the CHURCH !