The sun., 1899-04-30
ODD PENSION OFFICE LETTERS.
Picturesque Accounts of Woes on Which
Applications Are Based.


WASHINGTON. April 29-"We probably file
more queer letters in our department" said
Pension Ofllce clerk. than are received In any
other branch OF the Government service. hardly
excepting the Post Office. Some OF them are
intensely amusing. too. l have concluded that
Imagination Is not bound down by iiteracy,
either. because some Of the most iRnorantly
written letters display inventive genius and
cover the whole range OF fact, fiction and an
Ananias-like propensity for lying. Men write
to have their pensions increased. Neighbors
write to help along the cause OF n man seek
Ing pension. Wives write to tell the Commits
sioner why they ought to get pensions. Fam
IL troubles are aired for the benefit Of the
office. Sometimes the letters are so odd that
/ have waived red tape long enough 10 make
copies OF some OF them. Tor instance. this is
one from man asking for pension. after all
these years:
THE way I got my war inGery was a -ketch-
in OF hog. The hog wor u SOW hog and our
CAPTAIN wanted her fur forage. We was
chasin the SOW and she crawled threw hoa
in rale fence-t war big hoal and thot
were about the sis of tho hog and tried TO
sraw threw. but stuck and tryin to wigle out
! throde the rales of and one hit me on my
he'd and nocked me senseless. do not think
the SOW pig had nothing to do with my line for
uuty Ter ulu not Ketcn the nOE. wien She
never war caught
"A neighbor tried to do pension seeker n
good turn in the following efrusion:
" varlly believe that Orvle Jameson Is
fatiged from earnn his eavin becos he Is too
fatt ways 200 pounds and hav family TO fead
the nabors think lie hav dropsy but no he
hav no dropsy becos he would bust II he had
moar insides him than he now have besides
wirh he are without vitious habits or refer
ences. no he hav solid fatt and vittels In him
an no dropsy.'
"A New England farmer who seems per
fectly certain In his own mind that IL pension
will be forthcoming Just because he asks for II.
writes to the Commissioner in spirit OF vim
dctiveness against his wife, which seems lit
tie excusahle after YOU read his letter:
" I got blood pison by beinge hit with hens
eG which was not good when You send my
get none oiN it-she throde the eg.'
"A Pennsylvania pensioner valves his de-
mand for an increase Of pension on considera.
ton OF being otherwise provided for. and
writes direct TO the Secretary of the Interior
Now. / want you or the comesenir Of pen
sens to give me II plais in your ol1lts-then
won't ask for no moar raze 10 rensen JUS now.
the other clurks and mal them stan roun an
rnzs dewle enttel pensens keare them from
ri!s; s%''l u 'DpD' 1s,,AS' an ,"'AS So"n
A WluOW 1pellnG nerSelI entltleO TO q large
pension, writes u detailed statement OF her hus-
bands sufrerinGs and death. Among other
-" NV husband was .terribel bloated. It
didn't look like hissel. He couldn't stoop over
and straiten up without he!ning hissel. To
nam. beans pork, mashed potatoes, eggs. veal.
cabbage. his stummach was, repulstye. His
rumatism was the kind called lumbago-at
Sf.nsy my was husbanS come back from
The thee war supported him on my needle tell he
- mn, fror, Da,oy,ro Ala MT ,bi,, .,o.
the doct Or's certificate he sent would have
sufficient influence. so he supplemented 1t by
a and fi RnsSs then Was tSts
by otMs sumtion TISh M came On
Sometimes, like Silas WeCg. they drop into
poetry. or at least they threaten TO do so. A
sioner as follows:
~ IL am grpnson o. the revelsion son Of
! made on myself and ansestsr: NV memrays
@iwGys phe to roll roll myself NJ. about but when
me. it made me think OF thirty.three year
ago / was the Enamq thirsty, bullet that pearst
was dead. have always been to proud 70
beg. 1t has made me dred when I had to walk
has made me so Lame that j have wisht that
| was dead then sertcn men would says, heare
seepcrs, a hcrow he suffered thirty-three years
fore his country know wonder we can weep
not only that he was granson of tho revel-
ision that hope make the constetushun not
only that he was son OF the war OF 1912 that
never did rebel the caus OF IL never could
An old fellow from the West who Ind been
put off the rolls because OF palpable fraud in
securing, his pension could stand being
outside the hreastworks and so sent this short
communicat ion to the Comms sioner:
-. I root in apnlcnten too bee re In Stated
be ing bline, In / dog Con it,
on, yes" said the clerk. as he put AWAY
his coples. IF you 20 into the Pension Ofllce
with sense of humor you're apt to find plen-
Is oL matter uron which 10 feed 1t while you
are filing away the letters"