The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1899-10-15

Been Made in an Official Report
to the Interior Department at
Washington - Proposed to Divest
the Arkansas Health Resort of Its
Most Picturesque Characters.
Congress is said to be contemplating
the destruction, obliteration or restriction
OF the Hot Springs drummer
Notwithstanding the assertion of Presi-
dent Mckinley at Minneapolis Thursday,
that the national lawmakers would de-
vote their best thought to the problem of
the Philippines, it is anticipated that they
will be able to relegate to the antiquities
of medical science, along with "cupping'
and cod liver oil, the Hot Springs drum
mer.'
Does congress realize the enormity of
this offense?
Merely to think Of removing from the
already scant horizon of the Arkansas
health resort its most numerous inden-
tauOn must cause d Shudder TO climb the
spinal column of every one who has ever
bathed in the fountain which is credited
with saving the life of De Soto-long
enough for him TO get into a romantic
ENHANCEMENT with a bewitching Indian
maiden, so that both their names could
be used by future generations in nam
Ing streets on impossible and grOtesque
plats of tOWnsites.
Some, perhaps nearly all, of those who
have bathed in the hot waters that leak,
scalding hot, from the side of the pine
clad foot hill of the Ozarks, have credited
a Divine Providence with giving this to
man, in spite of the heat, which might
suggest possible origin in the realms OF
Satan.
There has never been any question,
however, about the origin or the deserts
Of the Hot Springs drummer. Not only
do all of his victims declare him to be
the least worthy of all liars, the tradi-
ton that there is honor among thieves
he sacrilegiously dashes to pieces in the
open declaration that the members OF
his profession CD are all succession of
dashes, or would be if their right char
acters were duly printed in the common
language Of the springs.
He has been as Inseparable from the
benefcent effects of the springs in all the
years that their curative properties have
been known as Admiral Dewey from the
American heart, or high fee bill from
an operation for appendicitis. Like the
zine lid on a jar of raspberry preserves,
he simply won't detach.
ON crutches or on the Missouri Pacific.
An aeronaut might beat the combination,
but any one athletic enough to be d real
aeronaut would go in the other direction.
The Missouri Pacific does not run right
into the springs, but its trains do. i
you go in on erutches, you do not meet
the drummer. He waits till you get
there. If you go in on the Missouri Pa
cific, he meets you al breakfast. 1t does
lya difference
your breakfast, he seems to know II
the Missouri Pacific ran down the gorge
of the Rhine its entire distance, its
patrons would not recognize the half
tones in the passenger departments ad-
vertising brochures. You, and the other
cripples, go to sleep, perchance in the
suburbs of st. Louis, and you wake III
Arkansas and the bland smiles of the
Hot Springs drummer.
If the Iron Mountain line of the Mis-
souri, Pacific system was lined with mug
gets of gold instead Of whitewashed
depots and racket" stores, you would
still die poor for under the fascinating
frfvolities of this Marshall P. Wilder Of
the South, you would forget to look out
of the car window. He only lets you 6 t
one glimpse out of the train, and that is
when he points cut the penitentiary at
Little Rock and gets his breath again.
Have you ever been in Hot Springs
before? No. Fine. 1t will do you Cd
He knows that. Unless you are three
card monte man or broke. If you have
been there before he knows they have
done" you good, so he feels familiar
like at once.
If you look as though you had rheumat-
ism, he looks on you as his likely prey.
If you look as though you did not have
it, he breaks in anyway, because he IS
curious as to what your game" Is.
This Hot Springs drummer, like all en-
fidence men, is Jealous of overSupply.
His hotel is the only best one in town,
he knows the only reliable druggist
and he can give you quiet tip if you
think of sending for your wife and want
to rent a cottage for the season. What's
your trouble? He's had it, twice, II nee
essary, cured both times. Dr. X. is the
only man in town for that sort of thing.
You have a letter to DR.. O.?
No good at all. General prac itioner
and a nice fellow, but no good, except for
children's diseases, Group and that sort
of thing. People wouldn't think of hiring
him to treat a sick dog. Besides, he's out
of town Gone to Europe, or the Kelley
cure. The best bath house, too, Is IS.
Only one place in town to get your
cigars. If he can't get you to go with
him and be introduced to all these strict
ly reliable institutions, he makes a "hot-
foot" ahead of you when he reaches the
Springs, tells the hotel man how he kept
you from being stolen by some other
faithless wretch of a drummer, and tric
to mace" the host for a drink or a
cigar on your arrival
But the drummer promises to be
the agency of his own undoing Thriving
in the tolerance Of the press, he has
grown careless. In the vulgar parlanca
of the street, his work Is too coarse"
The rivalry of the bath house has
brought the matter officially under the
notice of the superintendent of the gov
eminent reservation, and lest the really
beneficent properties of the Springs be
neglected by sufferers who fear robbers
and murderers as much as they do death
from disease, the matter has been Off
cially presented to the interior depart
ment, under whose supervision the Hot
Springs reservation is, in the annual re-
port of the superintendent.
The lobby" may beat any bill intro,
duced which is aimed to drive the pro
fession" out of business, but, like the
Niagara Falls hackman, publicity will
give the drummer" a severe jar In the
region of the pocketbook. The chances
are that he would still drum law or
no law, but it would be either with some
real or simulated respect for the law
The old-timers would hardly know the
place, Of course, without him, but then
there ought to be some change In affairs
there beside what the ailing visitors
leave w. G. M