The Natchitoches enterprise., 1899-01-05
NO. Is
TURNED THE TABLES.
a STORY OF ARTEMUS WARD AND
HENRY j. BYRON.

The TnEaous Wit Started In TO Have
Some Fun WITH the Drnrnaflsi. but
Fornd In the End Tint lie Had Met
His Match Mt Chatting.
What follows relates to the first
meeting Cf the late Henry J. Byron
and Artemus Ward. 1t was at the Saw
age club after one of the Saturday din
ners, and Tom Robertson suggested to
Artemus to have tilt wi Byron aud,
if possible, draw him ont. The genial
Snowman had only been III England q
few days. but he knew Byrou's "me-
tier" and went for him in tais fashion:
- fancy have seen face like yours
before. Did You ever have brother
AIonzo?" Robertson was behind Arte-
mus aud winked at Byron.
"Alas, had !" replied the drama
tist, instantly catching the situation.
"IIo was mariner, engaged On the
deep"
That's So"
"You haven't heard Of him for five
years?'
Byron affected to be lost in reflection
and deliberately replied: IT'S five
years aso this very day. How curious
you should mention it, sir!"
"WeII, sir, replied Artomus taking
ont his handkerchief and pretending to
wipe away q tear, II sailed the salt sea
with your brother We were wrecked
together in the gulf Of Mexico, and be-
fore help came / killed and ate hiGl
The moment saw you recognized the
likeness. He was q good fellow, full Of
tender feeling"
Il am glad you found him tender"
interrupted Byron, also pulling out his
handkerchief.
But, sir, l am awfully sorry | ete
him, " said Artcmus in the most imper-
turbable fashion. "Had / known /
should ever meet his brother am sure
I'd have gone without food some weeks
longer But l was driven to it, and you
will forgive me, won't you? | liked
Alonzo," and he Offered his hand to
Byron, which the latter shook with cor
dality.
Excuse my emotion, wont yCu?"
gasped Byrcn III his handkerchief. NE
never wrote and told me what had be-
come of him. 1 hope he agreed with
you
"a slight indigestion aftorTard. He
was a little tough" replied Arte!nus,
but We'll not speak Of that. We both
suffered, He suffered most Bat remem-
Der, cir, the law can't touch Es now.
It was stern necessity, and necessity, as
you may have heard, knows 10 law
But am WillinGeto pay you damages
for the loss ~IJt That would yen
| thInk f8iT Compensation"
Don't mention it. said Byrcn, who
now thought it time to turn the tables.
II think your name is Ward" said he
Eyes"
"Artemus Ward?"
"Quite so. !"
"You had father?''
II had"
''Ie was Yankee peddlcr in his own
country, was ho not? Sold bug pizon
and fine tooth c0mbs?"
you've hit the comb--I mean the
nail-on the head"
England, did he uot?''
"He did"
"Well, | killed him. | knew you
were bis son the moment laid eyes on
you. He was nice old gentleman, and
/ made his acquaintance in Stafford
shire lie wished to 90 down a deep
coal mine; so did /, and we went down
ho1
luLChed with tho miners, drank more
than was good for us and proceeded to
return to Mother Earth's surface. After
you have been down mine you are
fond of your mother, | assure you. The
prodigal felt nothing to what | expo-
rienCed. We entered the huge basket
and were being slowly drawn toward
the mouth CT the pit when | saw the
old rope was about to snap under the
strain. 1t was perilous, a horrible,
critical moment The weight of two
men was too great, and your father was
n broad, bulky man. Self preservation
is the first law of nature. An instant
more and we were both lost. We seemed
to be about so feet from tho top.
hastily called your fathers atton.
tion to something-implored him, in
fact, to look down the mino. lie did SO,
aud as l gently tipped him over he went
whirling and rashing to the bottom.
It was rough al him, but / saved my
self Iciphtr.I it out on the ir-tau.
like this; + is an old man. lg:eiy
bald, deaf il enc ear, two teeth gone in
front, with only few years to live.
am half his age, strong and healthy,
the father Of a young family, with
career before me, comedy to finish for
the HaymaTkat and burlesqne accept
ed at the Strand. Now, ask you, un-
der the circumstances, did | not behave
nobly?"
lyon did, you didr' sobbed Arte-
mus. ~ would have acted that way
myself. .
II am glad TO find you so intelligent.
You ate my brother and found him
tongh, and am .he assassin of your
dear old father" continued Byron,
keeping up the farce Of pretended emo
tion. "We are both avenged Let as
draw veil over the past and never
allude to these heartrending incidents
again.
agreed We cry quits. Shakel"
roared Artemus, extending 10th hands
and dramatically dasbing a food Of i'm
aginary tears from his eyes Then he
summoned waiter. glasses round were
speedily ordered, and everybody was full
Of congratulations upon the ready man
ncr in which the two wits had conduct
ed their impromptu chat. Exchange