Akron daily Democrat. [volume] (Akron, Ohio) 1892-1902, 1899-07-28
A SUICIDES SCARE.
l had decided TO end nv Life.

na0 decided TO END my llfe-
Ny father dying when my sixth veal
had scarcely passed. / was left with a
mother singularly deficient in sympathy
and who took little care that her son had
education or anything else except cloth
ing, shelter and food. ] was allowed 10
go and come almost as | wished, and
soon acquired those inferior characters
tics which. developed, make the dissipat-
ed young man.
1 was priced by my companions he
cause of my faculty of telling stories
and as time went on l composed verses
which they alleged were of the stuff of
which poetry is made. Gradually l grew
devoted to literature in q lawleSs and
spasmodic way and spent whole days in
scribbling and dreaming of a future
fame. / continued, however, TO drink
and smoke and led altogether quite bo-
hemian existence. At last / appealed to
my mother to let me go to Paris, and she,
making no objection, but rather seeming
glad, gave me ample funds, and l started.
| soon felt at home in my new world,
and. finding companions with aspirations
and weaknesses like my own, began a
life of dissipation which in intensity far
eclipsed anything that l had known. We
spent our days on the boulevards and in
the cafes, and our nights We're passed in
the dance halls and lower class theaters.
Two years were spent in this way, and
then | began 10 read Schopenhauer. In
tcrpreting his work incorrectly as afford
ing ample justification for suicide and
gathering the import of the whole more
or less perfectly through a desultory
reading. / grew very gloomy, so much 50
that my fellows avoided my companion
ship, and | found myself almost alone. |
had lived for nothing until there was
nothing TO live for. Ennui never left me
from morning till night, and | could only
get the slightest relief through using alb
sinth. the friend of the living dead. |
had decided TO go home. when a letter
came announcing my mothers death and
stating that the property was mine. l
took the next steamer for New York.
For few days the novelty of my stu
alton kept me from the eternal thought
about ''the will to live," and l walked
through the rooms of my old home with
almost the feeling of youth, but the de-
mons of my pessimism soon returned, and
| was made to realize that the man with
out Il mother, though the mother whom
he once had never took thought of him,
was worse off than when she existed. She
had been an ever possible refuge to me,
but now | was really alone, miserably
alone, in universe My literary hopes
had long since lost themselves in bitter
thoughts had not touched pen for a
year That is how l came to decide.
l made a will, then left my house and
went to hotel. The clerk gave me a
magnificent suit on the fourth floor, for
had planned to die in the midst of splen-
dor and asked for the best.
! looked about my bedroom. There was
where l should die, on that snowy bed.
Those curtains would hide my body till
the door was forced open, and the search
ers would pause a moment ere they NOV
ed the silken folds and found me lying
shot through the heart. What large win
dows there were. | would lower the
shades. SO much light was not good.
l was in evening dress. Taking out my
revolver, laid it on the table and remov
ed my shoes. A cigar fell from my vest
pocket I picked it up, lighted it and be-
gan TO smoke.
what am ! about to do?' | thought.
! laughed as | answered my own ques-
ton Il will die
l looked at my revolver again. when
this cigar is finished, l will finish my
self" l remarked calmly.
With the curtains down | now found
the room too dark. | lighted the gas
and smoked on.
Half an hour passed, and the cigar
was almost consumed. The time was
near lay down on the bed, took my
revolver in my right hand and pointed it
at my heart. AS | was about to shoot a
confused sound of voices reached me
from the street. Soon it was mingled
with the clangor of fire bells and the
roar of heavy wheels. A loud knock
came on my door, and a voice said: Get
out quick! The building is on fire!'
What was that to me? Was 1 not
going to die anyway? 1 touched my side
with the barrel.
Flames shot up past my window, and
/ started from the bed. l could hear
the wood of the window frames snap
ping The room filled with smoke. A
horrible revulsion of feeling seized me.
l ran to the door. The key was gone. /
remembered then that l had thrown it
from the window when l entered the
room.
l grew sick with fear, having death at
my call, at my command. 1t was not
hard to die, but to be trapped by death,
to be forced to my fate-that was awful.
l spraEg to the window. threw up the
sash, leaned out and shouted: Help,
help, | shall be burned alive"
There's a poor fellow at Il window"
could hear those below shout. Hold
on they answered. We'll save you!"
An age passed. The flames were all
about me, and the floor beneath my feet
grew hot. Almost in despair, shouted,
"a thousand dollars to the man who
saves me"' Now / could not hear; now
could not see. The scorching, roaring
flames and the sitting thick smoke OBJ
scured all.
Help, helpn' | screamed.
| should be burned alive. Death in
any form was horrible thing, but to be
burned, "Save me, save me"' 1 gasped.
The floor seemed to sink beneath me,
and l fell across the window sill
l was on the ground when l regained
consciousness, and fireman supported
me. you had a close call. The floor
had just gone when l got you," he said.
| looked at him, almost adoring him.