The Goodland republic., 1899-08-25
CHUmPLEY's WIT.

L<AAl DACI II . 0GAAE III u lCoEGAu -
takes all the delight that is taken in
the matter, however, the feeling is not
shared by any Of those with whom be
engages in conversation. COnundrums
are his pets. He never hears a conun-
drum nor reads one bCt what he springs
it at the first opportunity; and when
Chumpley is seen coming with a con-
undrum, happy is the man that hndeth
escape, and the man tlat getteth out Of
hearing.
You can always tell when Chumpley
has a conundrum. His features at such
times are distorted by a hellish grin;
his lips move as though in supplicatiOn,
and his face bears a very general re-
semblanee to an earthquake trying to
have a spasm. When he corners you
he slaps you on the back aud springs
something of this kind: "Ssy, what's
the greatest surgical operation ever
performed" The answer to this is
Lansing, Michigan, but of course you
have forgotten it if you ever knew it,
so you are silent. ChUmpley thinks
that you think be is asking for infor-
nation. He takes your puzzled and
utterly undone look as evidence that
you are trying to frame a serious an
swer, and be waits eagerly for you to
bite. But be can't retain that sell in
his system long, so he bursts out: "Why,
Detroit, Michigan, Of course" And
then he has the laugh on you. It is
not an agreeable laugh. It sounds like
the gurgling of the waves as the luck
less bark sinks from the sight Of man,
or like a suction pump that needs
! printing. And you resolve to keep that
laugh of of you and away from your
immediate vicinity in the future, even
if you have to move. Amid his bursts
Of glee he repeats: Detroit, Michigan,
Detroit, Michigan and then after a
few seconds cOgitatiOn: "Why, no, con
found it all, not Detroit, either, that
other place in Michigan. Why can't I
think Of it? But it amt Detroit"
Once Chumpley read this conun-
drum: "Why can carpenters be ex-
cused for saying there is 10 such thing
as stOne?" Answer, because they never
saw it. It might seem difficult to spoil
such a joke as this poor miserable
thing, but Chumpley did spoilit. "Why
do carpenters think there's no stOne?n
he asked Of a friend, one day. OF
course the friend did not know, nor
care, but thought best, from the look
on ChumpIey's face, to express a desire
to be informed "Why," said Chump-
! ley, because they've never seen any"
Then feeling that be had made q blum
der, 81 mean-let me see-oh, yes, a
/ carpenter thinks there's no stone be-
cause he never saws it."
Once ChUmpley asked me why I sup
posed so much Of his wit went unap-
preciated. told him that wit even Of
the high class in which he INDUCED
had better effect if the person using
it kept a sober face. At the same time
I gave him an article on electricity to
read long affair, setting forth The
wonders Of electricity, and winding up
with 'and yet people viii make light Of
it" wanted to see what he would do
with it. He went into seclusion for
three days, and people began to wonder
if ChUmpley's merry laugh would ever
gladden. this sOrrOw-stricken world
sgsin-and to hope sincerely that it
never would. But Chumpley was only
in retirement exercising the muscles Of
his face SO that he could keep his fea-
lures from slipping a cog. at last he
thought it safe to try, aud he ventured
out in company. "Ssy, it's funny he
said, clutehing his throat and gasping
while an uninitiated man went for some
water sits funny about this electricity
Here the muscles Of ChumpIey's face
tWitehed spssmOdicalIy, and thought
he would break out with his laugh, but
he managed to keep an expression that
looked like that Of q dying sinner with
no hope in this world nor in the next
'.Its funny about this electricity. You
know how powerful it is Why, you
can do anything with electricity I
saw By ChumpIey's face that something
had to be done, 50 I bit. whats funny
about it," asked innocently. aWhy.
powerful as it is, people VIII use it for
lights"
The effort vas too much for Chump-
ley. He broke down completely and
had to be carried home on a stretober-
-Pica DeVinne.