The age-herald., 1899-03-22
MARK TWAIN'S
 LATEST JOKE


 When the genial humorist first appeared on the lecture platform many people found him prosaic. It was not that he said "an undisputed thing in such solemn way,'i but that he said everything so solemnly that many failed to discover when he was witty and when he was to be taken liter ally. The immobile fact, the drawllng ac- cent, the shufflng walk, absorbed attention to the disadvantage of delicate satire, pungent drollery and drastic but always wholesome ridicue. These contradictions of essence and style are reflected in his writ ing. There are still people who see more fun in "Innocents Abroad' than the cus- todian whom Mark asked if Christopher Columbus were dead That Mark Is most jocular when he seems most serious Is per- fectly understood by only those who travel quickest between the lines. There are good American souls who, having read a current contribution by the satirist to periodical literature, really believe that he is in fa- vor of permitting our representatives abroad to wear the court dress of the gov- ernment to which they are individually accredited.
 This interpretation of his latest joke must fillip the soul of Mark.
 The one argument in favor of permitting American democrats to submit to the apery and napery of monarchs was "In Rome you must do as the Romans do" China was the most consistent in enforcing this canon of antique etiquette. Even after foreigners were allowed within the pre- eincts of the Son of Heaven," the ae- credited ambassadors of the great powers were required to sit on the paving stones leading to the vestibule of the imperial pal- ace, preliminary to admission. On enter ing the Presence they were compelled to prostrate themselves on the ground thirty times, and each time, to knock their heads against the ground nine times. This was performing the salute of honor." After all this they were not permitted to have direct communication with the Son of Heaven who transacted even his polite ness through vicars. British amba SSadorS were the first to revolt against the infiexi- bllity of the maxim Do in Rome as the Romans do." The thirty prostratlons, the nine head knockings have long since given way to the simple bow that is the universal expression of personal and official court tSy. CIlllSSe IllIIlSlSio COhtihuo tO tietHoHSt all foreign business of the empire, but for eign ministers are received in imperial au- dience without the ancient salute of honor"
 The question of ''court dress" Is rather musty in American annals. It was early settled for all time that the only fitting cos tune for the official representative of a republic is "the simple dress of an Ameri- can citizen." To make apes of our repre- sentatives by demanding that they don the clothes of monarehial puppets or bou- doir poppnjays has sometimes been pro- posed in downright seriousness by literary funkeys or parvenue American tramps seeking honorary butlerships in aristocratic houses. But the motion has never re- ceved a second in the parliamentary sense. Of course, it never will
 Difficulties in the way are insuperabe. If we authorize our ambassador to the court of St. James to don knee brooches cock ed hat and sword, MT. Choate would have to recall his memorable words spoken on the occasion of Scottish banquet at New York, attended by the viceroy of Canada,
  had known that Lord Aberdeen intended to leave so much of his trousers at home,' sad our irrepressible Joe, 'l should have done the same thing" If we conform to court dress at one court we must at all, for, as Mr. Choate said the other day, quoting my president 'the United States was never on such perfectly happy rela- tions with all the world as it is now"
 
 What our ambassadors, ministers and consuls would come to under a general ap- plication of conformity to the dress of the court to which they are seyerally accrelit- ed may be illustrated by brief descrip- tion of well-known styles of court dress:
 Bey of Tripoli-Mantle of conch shells; strings of small bells from ears, lips. nose and toes circular short sword, with im- piled obligation to use it as a collar on order by the grand high chamberlain.
 Ahkoond of Swat-Mere Hoobar gown. decollete, sleeveless, short knee length, toad-head bangles, dried lizard hair orna- ments, stuffed striped snalleskin anklets, necklace of snails.
 Bashi of Bazouk-Gunnybag and drawing string.
 Skat of Dahomey-Coat of mail of female skulls usable at choice to detach as "throwers' at an enemy or in play at friend; or to serve blood-drinking cups or reliquries for teeth of enemy slain in battle; pantalets of red cotton with ruffies 
 Catamaran of Cawnpore-Umbrella pun kah, fan. There may be also worn re- dundancies for that climate.
 Corea-Hats Pyramid of tall silk hats for head ecclesiastical beavers for should CT capes; last century stove-pipe shining tile slit for neither draperies; hats with holes through the crowns for sleeves; derby hats for epaulet effects. Luggage to con- sist exclusively of hat boxes. The practice of removing hats Is forbidden at the court of Corea in deference to the rule of the British house of commons in session.
 South Sea Islands-A snare drum, sticks, tallow, colored beads. all in a simple cone lection.
 Our "Great and Good Friend" as tho language of diplomacy runs, in the First Kingdom of South Africa-Costume of os- trich feathers, heron pompon in hair.
 Mark Twain urges higher pay for our diplomats clothes, if court dress be adopt ed, which suggests that our economically minded politicians should seek diplomatic posts among our new allies, the Filipinos, t1,1t, frfn xxyIa xrrifI |.