Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-12-08
BoBINGERsOL.
Writes Red Hot Letter Back From the
Capital Of Hades.

BANKS F-THE-STYx, SIIoEL, Dec.1-
will endeavor to write yen the letter
[ promised before leaving New York.
Sam Jones Inadvertently told. the
truth, for just as he predicted, and as
l myself seeretely expected, L am in
Hades. Came straight through with
out stop. l am sitting on a hot
einder writing this letter on piece of
slate gouged from the ceiling with my
trident. A trident" you know, is one
of those funny looking little pitchforks
like Neptune used TO carry about with
him at the seaside. Every body has
one and it makes a fellow think he's
at Populist convention.
When was ON earth didn't believe
in hell, for 1 had travelled in Arkansas
and didn't think there could be two
places so muchs alike. But 1 hadn't
been here half day till believed 1t a
whole lot. 1t is much more genuine
and realistic than 1 anticipated, but I
think I'll like it when get acclimated.
Just now my feet are blistered from
| walking on the hot pavements and I'm
dabbling them in the Styx to cool them
off. 1 was talking to Moses while ago
loused and then I'll be all hunkadory
He has read my Mistakes of Moses"
and laughingly admitted that he made
good many when he was new to the
business. He is jovail old cuss and 1
rather like him. Told me on the
dead-everyShing is ION the dead'
here-that he didn't write the Penta-
touch, but knows who did.
There are lots of people here and
strangers arrive daily. But l would
not advise you to come down till fall or
winter-and even then you needn't
bring anything but a light summer
suit. You won't need an overcoat or
umbrella or skates, but you might
bring along a palm leaf fan or two.
For an ''imaginarY," mythical"
"fgurative, categorical" "unortho>
dox" hell this is about ths hottest one
I ever got into.
But sayl got here just in time to
strike snap: Henry Ward Beecher
had just been retired on account of
age and Mephistopheles appointed me
to succeed him as boss Of the New
York colony-the largest one here. 1
have a lovely new trident with cute
little spear points businesses on the
tines, and the devil has promised to
get me long red tail and pair of
horns like his when he goes to the city
next week. He seems to have taken a
fancy to me.
There are ministers here of every
denomination and several camp meet
ings are in progress down the river.
Horace Greedy introduced me to
Spurgeon and old Peter Cartwright
last night, and we had a very pleasant
little lark together. They expect
Talmage to join them before long. l
have also shaken hands with Tom
Paine and Voltaire and find them very
pleasant gentlemen. Said they had
watched my career for some time and
} were expecting me daily. ben Frank
lin called On me this morning. He is
wearing his hair short now and dosen't
} look SO much like Queen Lilioukalani
as he used to. never could tell their
pictures apart.
OF course the trust is here "bigger'n
chipmunk. Solmon and Brigham
Young have all the women cOrnered
and the politicians are organizing to
defeat the present administration and
elect new devil. They want me to
make the nominating speech. You
know l nominated Blaine for Presi~
dent once and did it up ia shape.
Don't know who will be the nominee.
Jay Gould is running well on account
of his money and Judas Iscariot and
Annanias are quite popular.
L wish you could send me the papers,
I would like to see what is being said
about me. 1 suppose they will print
lot of my old letters and publish
enough pictures Of me to start a
rogues' gallery, and every little two
by~four preacher will tell how it hap
pened, and water-brain spiritualists
will commune with my spirit, and tell
all that sort of thing. 1 wish the whole
dod rotted pack were down here awhile
they wouldn't feel so alfred gay.
Well must close. We need rain the
worst kind-crops are almost failure.
If your ever down this way, drop In.
Yours truly.
BOB INGERsoLL.
P. S.-A soda fountain would pay big
down here.