The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1899-10-29
III

That part OF the autobiography from which we
have Just quoted was penncd In February 1885.
She returns to the topic in much later chapter
IN 1894, when her children had all passed away
and she had but three years TO live. She is re-
ferring to the time when she suddenly found her
self forced to provide not only for her own house.
hold, but also for a necr do-wel brother and his
three children. Il had been obliged to work pretty
hard before to meet all the too great expenses Of
the house. Now four people were added to IT,
very small two Of them, but the others not mex
pensive members OF the house. remember max
Ing kind of pretence to myself that had TO think
II over, to make a great decision. TO give up what
hopes / might have had OF doing now my very
best, and to set myself steadily to make as much
money as could, and to do the best could for the
three boys I'VE may here mention that she sent
all three Of them TO Eton.l ! think that IN some
pages of my old books"--thc pages from which
We have prev lously quoted have put this down
with little halfs.ncere attempt at q heroica att
tude. | don't think, however, that there was any
reality in it. never could. nor did, for moment
hesitate as to what should be done. IT had to bo
done And that was enough And there is no
doubt that It was much more congenal 10 me TO
drve on and keep everything going. with a GER
tain scorn Of the increased work, and metaphorica
toss OF my head, as II it mattered, than II ever
would have been to labor with an artists fervor
and concentration to produce masterpiece One
can't do two things or serve two masters Which
was God and which was mammon IN that ind-
vidual case il would be hard TO say; perhaps, for
once in way. mammon, meaning the money
which fed my flock was, in kind OF poor way
God. so far as the necessities OF that crisis went
And the wonder was that we did il, can I tell how
eoonomzing, | fear. very little never knowing
quite at the beginning OF the year how the ends
would come together at Christmas. always with
troublesome debts and forestaling Of money earned
so that have generally eaten up the price Of
book before i was printed. but always thank
God for il! so far successfully that thong always
owing somebody, 4 never owed anybody TO any
unreasonable amount or for any unreasonable
extent OF time, but managed to pay everything
and do everything, 10 stint nothing TO give them
all that was happy, and pleasant and of good
report through all those dear and bless boyish
years confess that il was not done in the nobest
way. with those strong efforts OF sell control and
economy which some people can exercise
could not do that. or, at least did not but could
worG. And did work, iOyfully. with pleasure in L.,
though in my life, sometimes, there were awful mo-
ments when did not know how should ever pass
some dreadful corner. where the way seemed to
end and the rocks to close in, but the corner was
always rounded. the road opened up again. "
VIII it he thought that the lines Just cited were
pcnned in an apologize vein? They were not
meant TO produce that impression. On the CON
trary, she says that she should now think any one
blameabc who should do as she did ~ persuaded
myself then that could not help it, that no better
way was practicable, and indeed. did live by faith
| whether it was or was not exercised in legitimate
way, might say now that another woman doing
| the same thing was tempting Providence To
| tempt Providence, or 10 trust God, which was IT,
In my own case, naturally, said the latter, and
did not in the least deserve in my temcrity to he led
| and constantly rescued as ! was must add
that never had any help from outside. never
received so much a legacy in my life. =
Indeed, however, ! do not defend myself .,