Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1899-08-05
MARK TWAIN ON MORALS.
Part Of His Speech at the New Vaga-
bonds Dinner in London.

1T has always been difficult-leave
that word ditfirult-not exceedingly
difficult. but !ust difficult nothing more
than that. mot the slightest shade to
add To thatf just ditiicnlt-to respond
properly. irl the right phraseology.
when compliments are paid To me: but
il j. more than difficult when the com
pliments are paid to j better than /
my wife. And while / am not here to
testify against myself can't be eX
pected to do SO. a prisoner in your own
country is not admitted to do so-as to
which member of the family wrote my
books. | could say in general that l
really wrote the books myself Ny
wife puts the facts in and they make it
respectable. In Mr.. Grossmith's re-
marks there was a subtle something
suggesting my favOrite theory of the
difference between theoretical and
practical morals. | try to instill prac-
teal morals in the place Of theatrical
/ mean theoretical But as an adden-
dum-an annex. something added to
theoretical morals. When your chair
man said it was he first time he had
ever taken the chair. he did not mean
that he had not taken lots of other
things. He attended my first lecture
and took notes. This indicated the
mans disposition.
Theoretical morals are the sort you
get on your mothers knee, in good
books and from the pulpit. You gather
them in your head and not in your
heart: they are theory without prac
tice. Without the assistance of prac-
tice to perfect them it is difficult to
teach a child, be honest. don't steal
I will teach you how it should be done.
lead you into temptation. teach You
how TO steal. so that you may recog-
niZe when you have stolen and feel the
proper pangs.
The first time / ever stole water
melon-that is. think it was the first
time; anyway it was right along there
somewhere stole it out of farmers
wagon while he was waiting on an
other customer. Stole is a harsh
term. | withdrew retired that
watermelon. | carried it to a secluded
corner Of a lumber yard. l broke it
open. 1t was green-the greenest
watermelon raised in the valley that
year. The minute l saw it was green
I was sorry and began to reflect. Re
you don't reflect when you commit a
crime then that crime is of no use: it
might just as well have been COM
mitted by some one else. You must
reflect or the value is lost: you are not
vaccinated against committing it
again. l began to reflect. | said to
myself: What ought a boy to do who
has stolen a green watermelon? What
would George Washington do. the
Father of his Country, the only Ameri-
can who could not tell a lie? What
would he do? There was only one
right. high. noble thing for any boy to
do who has stolen a watermelon of that
classic must make restitution. he
must restore that stolen property to its
rightful owner l said l would do it
when / made that good resolution.
felt it to be noble uplifting obliga-
ton. ! rose up spiritually stronger
and refreshed. I carried that water
melon back-what was left of it-and
restored it to the farmer, and made
him give me ripe one in its place.
of crime upon crime protects you
against further commission of crime.
1t builds you up. A man can't become
morally perfect by stealing one or
thousand green watermelons; but
every little helps