Mesa free press. [volume] (Mesa, Ariz.) 1892-1901, 1899-06-02


man.
The maid-I'll be a sister to you. The
man-Not much! I've just got enough
collar buttons for myself.-New York
Evening Journal.
"You married me for my money"
"What of it? You married me for my
beauty" "Well, both securities have
depreciated."- Life.
The sister, have become engaged
to Fred. The Observation-Disclosures in
duced you to do that? The sister-Why,
Fred, of course!-Judge.
Miss Fondart-Jack, what do they
mean when they speak of first-water
diamond? Jack-One that's never been
Embellishments Weekly.
Visiting Englishman-How do you ac-
count for this policy of expansion? Mr..
hot. Heat always expands.-Life.
She-In this story it refers to empty
bottles as dead men," That's absurd.
He-Where's the absurdity? She-Well,
dead men tell no tales; empty bottles
do.-Moonshine.
"It's depressing, isn't it, to find
feathers sticking to your Thanksgiving
turkey?" "Well, it certainly does make
one feel down in the mouth" -Phila-
delphia Bulletin.
''Who is the smartest boy in your
class, Bobby?" asked his uncle. ''I'd
. like to tell you," answered Bobby,
modestly, "only papa says I must not
boast" BazaA.
Graduate that I have my med
ical diploma, professor, where. would
you advise me to practice for wealth?
Professor-In any first-class health re-
sort.-Detroit Free Press.
Tall one (angrily)-Don't dare to con-
tradict me again, sir; don't you know
that I could eat you If chose? Short
one-Ah! but 1 should disagree with
you even more, then.-Ally Sloper.
Senator Depew-At this point, Mr..
President, am reminded of an anec-
dote- Several other Senators-Mr
President, l move he have leave to
print the anecdote.-Chicago Tribune.
Mrs. Jimlet-Harold writes from col
lege that he's larnin' to fence. Farmer
Jimlet-Good enough! I'll let him
string more'n half a mile O. barb-wire
fence as soon as he gifts hum.-Judge.
LADY, wish to get birthday pres
ent for my husband. Shop-walker-
How long have you been married, mad
anne? Lady-Ten years. Shop-walker
Bargain counter to the right, mad
ame.-Boston Traveller.
Captain Ito young cadet just arrived
on board)-Well, youngster, the old
story, l suppOse-the fool Of the fam
lily sent to sea. Young cadet-Oh, no,
sir. That's all been altered since your
day.-Melbourne Times.
Bridget, what is that child crying so
wildly fOrY' "Sure, mum, he's just
drinked all his soothin' syrup and ate
the cork, and don't know now what
ails him, unless it's the bottle he wants
to swallow!'-Tit-Bits.
81" said the orator, IAN an Ameri-
can Of the good old stock, rooted deep
in the soil" 1.-THE only stock l ever
heard Of that rooted deep in the SOIL"
said the farmer in the audience, was
hogs. indianapolis Journal.
Blobbs-What nonsense it is for
newspapers, in their accounts of we'd
dings, to describe the brides being led
to the altar! Slobbs-How so? Blobbs
Why, most Of the girls could find
their way in the dark.-Tit-B
Jones-Dear me! You say you often
lay down the law to your wife; how do
you go about it? Bones-Why, all you
need is firmness. l usually go into my
study, lock the door, and do it.over the
transom; all you need is firmneSs-in
the dOor!-Puck.
what did Colonel Stilwell say about
the branded peaches we sent to cheer
his convalescenceY "He said he was
afraid he wasn't strong enough to eat
the fruit" replied the little girl, "but
that he appreciated the spirit in which
it was sent Exchange.
FARMER OdlIey NSduluS AIOiu ACW .
paper to his wife)-"It is estimated
that the recent dinner given. by Mrs.
Bunderblank was served at cost Of at
least ten dollars plate" What must
the victuals have cost? Mrs. Oatley-
Lands sake, joshua! And such folks
always has different plate for every
thing they eat.-Harlem Life.
Boatswain Ito newly joined CADET
Come, nay little man, you mustn't cry
on board of one of her majesty's ships
of war. Did your mother cry when
you left? Cadet-Yes, sir. Boatswain
Silly old woman! And did your sister
cry? Cadet-Yes, sir. Boatswain-
Stupid little thing! And did your faith
err cry? Cadet-NO, sir. Boatswain-
Ard 'earted old beggar!-Punch.
Counsel-What is your age, madam
Witness-F orty-s seven, sir. Counsel
Married or single? Witness Single.
never had an offer Of marriage in my
l.