Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-10-19

The latest English golf story is told
by Mr.. Justice Lawrence against him
self. He IS an ardent golfer. Recently
he had case before him in which he
felt it necessary to ask one of the wit
nesses, boy, the usual question,
whether he was acquainted with the
nature of an oath. The ingenious
youth replied: "Of course l am. Amt
/ your caddie?'
A young woman who played the
pianoforte once asked Brahms, the
composer, as to the advisability of Civ
ing concert in Vienna Are you all
ready inquired Brahms Certainly,
dear master; may / play something for
your" "Oh, no, no. meant only have
you new gown and gloves?" YES,
sir" PITY; otherwise / should have
advised you not to give the concert"
The following story is going the
rounds in Vienna: A well known Aus
TRAN anti-Semite and statesman en-
counters three private soldiers.
Would you shoot me. If you were or
dered?' he asked the first Certainly,
l would obey orders" What is your
religion?" Il am protestant well,
and your to the second. II would
kin you sure, although | am Catho-
lie, like yourself" And your" to the
third. Il am a Jew, but / couldn't
shoot YOU" why, my brave fellow?
Do you not know that | am the great
est anti-Semite in either Austria or
Hungary" That is so, but you see I
have no gun. / play the big drum in
the band"
An English police inspector being IN
formed that hotel keeper was serving
game out of season, visited the restau-
rant in plain clothes and ordered dim
ner. Waiter, partridge for me-" The
inspector finished his dinner leisurely,
and then said to the waiter: ASK the
proprietor to step this way minute"
What for?" 81 wish to notify him to
appear in court tomorrow and answer
for selling partridge out of season. l
am a police officer, and have secured
the necessary evidence against him."
Waiter: 1T wasn't partridge you
had" Police inspector (uneasily):
What was it them" Waiter Cheer
fully: Crow" The inspector swoon-
ed.
On one occasion Lord Norbury OBJ
ton prospecting in the dock for bust
ness, and determined TO make an exam
pie of him. Just as the attorney was
climbing over the rails of the dock into
the court, his lordship called out:
-"Jailer, one of your prisoners is escap
ing. Put him back" Back the at
torney was thrust, and the following
colloquy ensued: My lord, there is
mistake here. | am an attorney" Il
am very sorry, indeed said Lord Nor
bury, Ito see one of your profession in
the dock" But, my lord, ] am inno-
cent" Eyes, they all say that" was the
judges reply; "a jury of your own fell
low-countrymen must settle it," But,
my lord" exclaimed the now desperate
man, there is no indictment against
me-" Then" said his Iordship, you
viii be put back, and if no one appears
TO prosecute, you will be discharged by
public proclamation at the end of the
assiZes."
One of the applicants for a consulate
in Japan, while James G. Blaine was
secretary of state, was the late Samuel
Kimberley, of Baltimore, who died in
the service in Central America. After
he had presented his credentials, Mr..
Blaine said: Il should like to appoint
you, Mr.. Kimberley, but l have made
it rule to recommend no one who does
not speak the language of the country
to which he is sent. Do you speak
Japanese?' Certainly, Mr.. Blain,"
stammered Mr.. Kimberley; ''a-ask me
s-s-something in J-J-Japanese and I'll
a-a-a-answer you" Mr.. Blaine had not
word to say, but the Japanese post
went to another man, all the same and
Kimberley went to Central America.
One day Kimberley met. young wo-
man who threw her arms impulsively
around his neck and kissed him. See
ing her mistake. she drew back and
angrily asked: Aren't you Mr.. jones'"
"N-no-no. madam" replied Kimberley,
bowling; I'm n-n-not, but l w-w-wish
10 thunder l w-w-was."