Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-06-13

and years the supply. however large the
oatrut, will! be monopo;zcd by old maids
and mature wilder ladies', and 1
shouldn't be surprised II some or the ma
irons didn't monkey with II, too. All
OYER our great cities We would see signs
like these: "Old People Made AS Good
as New" "Spinsters Repaired and Fresh
ened Up" widows Equipped for Wig
orous Campaigns" and go forth.
And, lastly. while the invention is in its
embryonic state. what guarantee have the
public that the people who inject the lynn
phatic fluid os kids Will not develop goat
ish complaints. Imagine your astonish-
mcnt CT awaEcriDg some morning 10 dis
cover Jour Nifs dcyouring your trousers,
or chewing on the India-rubber IN your
Congress CATERS. Suppose you yourself.
after an experiment with the injection.
were 10 become seized with a desire TO
dine on all the hcopskirts on your pre-
misses. or. suppose. prompted by irresistl-
BILE impulses, you sought 10 add the tin
cans CT the neighborhood alley 10 your
menu. 1t wouldn't do. gentlemen. Fer
my part | should be willing 10 undergo
many, many hardships To become young
again. but ask me not 20 daily with this
extract Of goat
A clever little Richmond lady. who
counts her friends by scores. has just
published, under an assumed name, a
short novel. called "Bobbe" and in II she
mercilessly breaks her horo's nose. and
never afterwards relieves him Of his IA
cial blemish. When I read the story-and.
BY the way, II IS an excellent one-my
heart kept bleeding for the man with the
mutilated olefactory organ, and l hoped
and hoped that, ere ! reached the last
page. something would happen TO
straighten out his difficulties But moth
ing ever did happen. though the poor I'M
fortunate got a girl to love him, just the
same, and, after serving as a Confederate
officer during the civil war came back
and married her. Moral: Crooked noses
as well as crooked people sometimes sue
coed in love ana war
And yet, after years OF investigation,
and much intimate converse with celc-
brated beauties (of whom / am one). I
hold that good, well-chiselled nose is, OF
all things. the most essential to personal
pulchritude. or, to express Il negatively,
a dag-goned. dod blasted snOut. or pes
ky. turncd-up proboscis. can do more TO
make your face a mistt than all other
blemishes on earth.
The human nose is a physiognomical
scape-gCat IL comes in for all the abuses
and m2ledictlons and sights which com
monplace. ugly people heap upon their
features. If there is a stray wart look
ing around for a habitat, it's mighty apt
to alight on your nose. And, If the wea-
Their is cold, all its frigidity settles on the
point of this organ. and said organ ac-
quires a royal purple. never equalled in
ancient times. On warm days your nose
IS the first thing TO take on vermlion
hues. and, in pleasant seasons, the
chances are that it will get sleek and
shiny, like a peeled onion If your doctor
prescribes liquor on account OF your fail
ing health (as all doctors who court favor
should do, your smeller IS the first thing
to indicate that you are faithfully taking
the medicine. When a man seeks to bonn
bard your face with his fists he invarl-
ably selects the nose Of his enemy as the
Moro Castle to be first assailed If you
collide with a door on the night when you
fail TO find matches I'm the house, this
same nose gets there first, and remembers
the incident longest. Yet, whoever heard
Of noses being praised, or poems being
dedicated 10 them? They are first in every
thing-even In t-juleps-but your other
features get all the credit. And this, 1
think, is the reason why noses are some
times malignant. and resentful. and fiery,
and warty.
For my part. I'm pleased that Kate
Cairn (the Richmond authOress referred
tor gave Boobies broken nosc fair show,
though I'm mOnstrous glad this old rosy
growing bigger every cay.