Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1899-11-09
to sell them when they were brought under
Oh rinfsasn inHnancea

to sell them when they were brought under
Christian influences.
Animated BY such like philanthropis
notions, he proceeded to equip himself for
missionary work -after the pattern set By
his dear friend and kinsman John.
He provided himself with black jack
and q pair of brass knuckles, and stuck q
bowie knife in his boot leg. In addition
to these he fastened big cavalry sabre 10
his middle--which sabre, by reason of his
not being used to it, was very much in the
way. and was continually getting between
his legs aud tripping him up,
i A navy revolver and a good supply Of
4 dun dun bullets completed his out ft,and
80 loaded him down that be had to leave
his Bible at home.
i These DUN dunn bullets, by the way
were peculiarly adapted to the work OF
clvilizing sayages. They were so arranged
that when they hit man they would
spread out like a mushroom and tear a
hole 10 him as big as barn door.
4 At q town meeting about this time there
had been strong effort made to pass an
/ ordinance prohibiting their use. but
through the opposition of John Ball and
Uncle Sam it was defeated
These worthless claimed with much force
that the aforesaid bullets were almost
indispensable in their work of evangelical
ton that nothing would make SO much
impression on poor benighted heather as
a dunn dunn bullet through bis bread
basket-unless it was to tie him over the
muzzle of cannon and blow him into
extremely small pieces, as John Bull had
done with the Sepoys in India. And in as
much as the latter process involved the
necessity of first running your heather
down and catching him. it was less adapted
TO the work Of wholesale civilization than
the dunn dun method.
Uncle Sam was the more determined pot
to give up this potent civilizer by reason
of difficulty that his newly acquired
| lingo notions had gotten him into, with
certain little brown man named Aqninaido.
| Mr.. Aquinaldo lived on an unimproved
farm which the old Don had been claiming
for good many years, but had never been
able to gain entire possession Of Not only
had Aquinaldo steadisstly declined to give
up the farm, but had refused to pay rent
for it, and his contumacy had been most
effectualy encouraged and abetted by
q acle Sam himself while the latter was
having bis set-to with the Don.
When Uncle Sam had got the best of it,
however, and was fairly aekiug with
anxiety to show the world his ability TO
take up the white mans burden and
govern inferior races, be concluded that be
might as we'll make the Don furnish the
desired opening while he had the old fellow
down.
So the npshot of the matter was that the
Don had to give Uncle Sam the Porto
Rico farm by way of indemnity, and sell
him the Aquinaldo property at his own
price,
When Aquinaldo learned what kind OF
deal had been made without consulting
him OF recognizing his rights in the matter
at all, be began to enquire about what was
to be done with him. Was he to be free.or
was he to merely change masters? Did the
Declaration of Independence apply to him,
or did it only mean white folks2 In reply
he was told that he must be humble and
obedient and prepare to he benevolently
assimilated
Aquinaldo didn't want to be assimilated,
either beneyolently or otherwise, and
fatty refused to submit to that operation.
Uncle Sam was little disposed to stand
any nonsense after having shown himself
to be such fighter, SO be promptly
knocked Aquinaldo down-thinking to end
the matter at once, and without multiply
ing words about it.
Rather to his surprise, though, the little
brown man didn't stay knocked down, but
came up smiling and ready for more.
Feeling that his reputation was a stake,
UucIe Sam now pitched in and chased his
nimble little antagonist all over the ring
showering blow after blow upon him, but
never being able to land Knockout blow.
Several times Aquinaldo seemed to be
cornered, but he always managed to slip
out under his big adversary's arm and
appear in another part OF the ring as fresh
and as full OF fight as ever.
The first round closed with Aquinaldo
apparently none the worse for the encoun-
ter, while poor old Uncle Sam was blowing
like porpoise, and the Precipitation was
trickling down his face worse than as if he
had done hard days moving.
He was glad enough for the opportunity
to sit down and recover his wind while his
seconds, Mark Hanna and Mckinley famed
him, and gave him ice water.
AS he sat in his corner putting and blow
ing, 1t was noticed that he didn't haYe
quite SO much to say about taking up the
white mans burden as he did formerly and
it was evident that ne was beginning to
doubt whether the Almighty really had
chosen him to govern inferior races, and
lead them to better and higher life by
means OF dunn DUN BULLETS and rapid fire
guns.
He wondered if he hadn't been Just a
little too fast 10 buying farm without
clear title, and whether or not the old Don
hadn't got the best of him in the trans
action after ALL
In short, it was strongly suspected that
Uncle Sam would have been glad to be rid
of Ebad business altogether, and would
have incantinently washed his hands of the
whole affair il 1t hadn't been for Mark and
Mac.
These gentlemen, however, had a great
deal of money bet on the fight, and were
deeply interested in the outcome; SO they
told Uncle Sam that it would never do in
the world to stop now-that he would be
eyerlastingly disgraced and have every
body laughing at him if he didn't lick
| Aquinaldo after INDUCING in so much loud
talk.
By thus appealing to Uncle Sans pride,
which was always his weak point, they
managed to keep him braced up and got
him ready for the next round, but when
he entered the ring the second time his
face wore very serious expression, and he
had completely lost the jaunty air that
characterizes bis first entry.
1t would, no doubt, be interesting to go
on and tell how Uncle Sam continued the
fight until be finally got the best of
Aquinaldo, and then, having lost some of
his conceit and recovered from his imper-
ealistic craziness, magnanimously gave up
all claim on the farm and let the real
owner manage it to suit himself but
that's another story, and may be told al
some future time.
LORENZO NELSON
ALMONESsnN.