davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
SAMPLES OF IRISH WIT.
Pat's Ready Tongue Maintains Its
Reputation for Putting People
In Good HumOr.

Two laborers set out from Wexford
to walk to Dublin. By the time they
reached Bray they were very tired with
their journey, and the more so when
they We're told they were still ~ miles
from Dublin. BE me sowl," said one,
after a little thought, 'sure, it's but six
miles apiece! Let us walk on"
During a discussion at q meeting of
the Trinity College Historical society
upon the slight consideration attached
to life by uncivilized nations, a speaker
mentioned the extraordinary circum-
stance that in China if a man were con-
substitute to die for him. And" the
debater went on, II believe many poor
fellows get their living by acting as
substitutes in that way!"
A child went crying to its mother and
reported that it had swallowed a button.
"Well, well, look atthat now!" cried the
woman. "Begor, ] suppose the next
thing you'll do is to swallow a button
hole!" This reminds me of the graphic
description by a beggar man of his tat
tered coat: Faith, yer homer, it's
nothin' but a parcel of holes sewn to-
gether."
A curious popularity of the Irish ma
ture is the wide limits to which relation
ship is extended. "Do you know Pat
Meehan?" a peasant was asked. "Of
course I do" was the answer. "Why,
he's a neal relation of mine. He vance
proposed for my sister Kate"
A clergyman told me that he has a
parishioner who is much addicted to
drink. Meeting the man one day when,
as the people say, she had a drop in"
the priest insisted that he should take
the pledge, for it was the only protec-
ton against the temptations of the pub
lie house. you've never seen a teeto-
taller drunk, Tom," said the priest. "Ah,
your reverence" replied Tom, I've seen
many a man drunk, but couldn't tell
for the life O. me whether they wor
teetotalers or not!"-London Spectator.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
4 Trusted Official.
HONESTY and TRUS1FULHESs REWARDED,
$. {. Brees, Of Orange, Had an Experience Recently which
is Intensely Interesting-An
Example for Others,
From the Lake Review, osasts, Mnn.

The following account of a farmers re-
markable experience was recently told q
reporter by Mr.. s. E. Brees, one of the oldest
settlers and most prominent farmers of the
town of Orange, Douglas County, MINI.
Mr.. Brees is town clerk, having held this
position for several years, and is a gentleman
of unimpeachable integrity and honesty.
This experience of Mr.. Brees is certainly
interesting. He says:
days drive with the harvest team, i sud-
denly became faint and weak. Every move
or e~xertion was made with an effort. I rode
home and rested a number of days but did
not obtain much relief. The top of my head
had a peculiar feeling. / could not rest or
sleep. 1t went on this way until / was nearly
crazy. l had the grip previous to this and
it left me with a severe cough and also a dull
pain about the region of the heart. l con-
suited q prominent physician . d took his
medicines for about two months. Some relief
was obtained. The physician pronounced
my trouble a difficulty of thetheart arising
from the after effect Of the grip. My family
were alarmed ahaaJ me-, and for two Yeas
they would notfet me go away alone for fear
I w~ouldSnever get nome alive. l finally con-
Quilted another physician. He told me the
same as the first, but thought he could help
me. I took his medicine six months, and
for a while obtained considerable benefit,
but the old symptoms returned and I was as
bad as ever.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
Going to Extremes.

"It's all wrong" he said; "all wrong.
and most confusing as we'll"
"What are you talking about?"
they asked.
why, last week." he explained, eI
had q cold in my head, and you all adj
vised me TO soak my feet"
Good advice" they said. What Of
it9"
Last night, after the banquet, when
my feet We're somewhat tangled, you ak
advised me to soak my head" he re-
turned, and they had 10 admit that it
did seem as if there was a reverse ac-
ton in there somewhere. = Chicago
Post
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
CHAPTER XIX.

The next morning after the visit to
hola Hendricks reached his office be-
fore his Office boy. The first thing he
did was to look through the Herald for
his advertisement.
1t was there, word for word as he had
written it. Now he told himself that
there was nothing to do but to hope for
a reply to it. He busted himself writ
ing letters until nine o'clock, and then
DR.. Lampkin hurried in.
Good morning." he said. 81 couldn't
go to work to-day with all this uncer-
tainty on my mind, so l came right here
to await Developments"
Glad you came" said Hendricks, cor
daily, as he bent again over his desk.
When he had laid his pen aside Lamp
kin said:
Il hardly slept a wink last night. l
Couldn't get that wonderful perform
ance Of Kola's out of my head. 1t is in
advance Of anything I ever heard of.
Hendricks laughed and recounted
what had occurred between him and
his mother on his arrival at home.
"Ah, a trick, after ALL" cried the doc
tor, and then his face hardened under
an afterthought, "but you certainly
mentioned the Bible of your own ac-
cord"
That's the point that kept me awake
last night" confessed Hendricks, dryly.
For a moment both men were silent.
then Lampkin said:
There is only one way in which he
could have done It,"
How is that?" asked Hendricks,
deeply interested.
"kola had the Bible ready, and when
he told you to select some article at
home l noticed that he gazed steadily
into your eyes. Through telepathy and
hypnotism combined he must have i'm
pressed the idea Of the book on your
mind"
but he opposed me in that, he"
That wa only for effect. The whole
thing was most skillfully done. He
suggested the Bible to you hypnotical-
~, and forced you to demand that and
nothing else"
Can that sort Of thing be done?"
VIC edst III Is considered mere
child's play"
Hendricks stared at his friend for a
moment. then he brought his hand
down on his desk with a resounding
blow.
"By Jove! that makes tbreel" he ejac.
ulated.
Three what?" asked the doctor.
Three similarities between Kola and
Count Bantinni."
u don't follow you," said Lampkin.
leaning forward eagerly.
by Jove! it makes four" cried Hen
bricks, his eyes sparkling. Listen. As
he lay there last night and grew winter
and whittier, l remarked a little indenta-
ton on each side Of his nose, which
must havs beer rhats by Q psir Of pinch.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
a Fceling or susnic,on,

~ want you to find out something
about the mar who wrote me this let
ter" said Senator Sorghum.
What do you wish to know about
him?"
II want to find out whether he's had
any kind of an education. He alluded
no less than three times to my 'paytri-
otisn,' and if ] have reason to suspect
that he spelled it that way on purpose
I'm going to see what influence l can
bringto bear to make trouble."-Wash~
ington Star.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
His Preferences.

my boy" they said to him warming.
ly, she's too smooth. She'll fool you
every time. She's one of those sweet.
clever little wome who know just how
to manage men. If you marry her.
she'll be the boss"
"Well,"h he replied slowly, from what
have seen of matrimony it is a ques-
ton of being handled with a club or
with taffy, and for my part l prefer the
taffy."
And heirengagementwas announced
shortly afterward.-Chicago Post.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
Getting started.

"We must economic, mustn't we2"
said young Mrs. Torkins.
"I'm afraid So" answered her hus-
band. s.
well, I'm going down town to-day,
and 1 know you are going TO be sur
prised to see how cheaply l buy things.
So as soon as you can you must write
me a check for some money to econo-
mize- with.'-Washington Star.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
peauty Is blooo Deep.

Clean blood means a clean skin. No
beauty without it. Cascarets, Candy Cathar.
tic clean your blood and keep it clean, by
stirring up the lazy, liver and driving all i'm.
puritles from the body; Begin to-day to
and that sickly bilious complexion by taking
Cascarets,..beauty for ten cents. All drug.
glsts, satisfaction guaranteed, l0c, 25c, SOC.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
Heroic Measures.

81 understand that your daughter has
begun taking lessons on the piano."
Eyes; the folks who live next door
to us are very obnoxious people. We
want to have them quit the neighbour
hood."-Chicago Daily News.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
Modern Fame.

Waggles-His name is in every
mouth.
Jaggles-How's that?
Waggles-A new cocktail has been
named after Hmm. Y. World.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03

Consumption Cure--Warner's
White Wine of Tar Syrup, the
best cough remedy on earth, cures
a cold in one day if taken in time.
25 and SO cts. All druggists. So
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
An Eye to the Main Chance

An Eye to the Main Chance.
Mr.. Hiborn-By What unit of meas
urement could you properly estimate
q mans devotion to you?
Miss Lowe-The carat.-Jewelers'
WeeLly ..-. -
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03
No Time for Lansna,

The language OF love is the language
OF eyes. the poet sings
For lips. o remember, are likely to be
Busy with other things.
-P,Ick.
Twice-a-week plain dealer. (Cresco, Howard County, Iowa) 1895-1913, 1899-02-03

To Cure C~onstlpation Forever.
Take Cascarets Candy Uathurtic, 1870 or 95a,.
II c. G. G. fail 20 sure, atusststs tsiunn MsnSS.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09
5VJVS5v y q
Sleep.

Sleep ensues when the brain Ii
largely denuded of blood, when Ger
ebral anamia is established. TC
partly empty the brain of its blood
supply, to keep the head cool, the
body sufficiently warm and to send
the blood rather to the lower ex
tremities-this is the physical prob
lem of the sleepless. 1t is interest
ing to note that during sleep a great
number of the bodily functions con-
tinue quite normally without inter
fering with sleep itself. and there
fore sleep is not so like death as
some of the poets have imagined.
Man asleep is not so profoundly diff.
ferent from man awake, the two
chief points of difference, however,
being these-a greater indrawing
of oxygen and exhalation of car
bonic acid and a complete vasomo-
tor rest.-London Spectator.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09
Has the Right King.

Our good friend Jake Admire Of
the Kinghsher Free Press, in com
menting on the fact that Frank
Greer of the Guthrie State Capital
has been sued for libel by a rank
fraud whom he sought to expose,
complains bitterly of his own ex-
perience in two libel suits, and
says the law seems to have been
framed for fakes and frauds. II
such be the case it muslbe amend
ed. In the meantime the newspa-
pers have a remedy. They can
stand by Frank Greer and see that
he is protected against the ravages
of the fraudulentconcern. United,
the power Of the press is infinite.
1t has an immeasurable ocean
depth, greater, far greater, than
the influence of the preacher, law
yer, or any profession in life.
The newspaper boys are too prone
to go apart on many important
matters. Oklahoma Exchange.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

Mr.. and Mrs. Robert L. Owen
left last Friday evening for st.
Louis where they will remain a
few days and then go direct to New
York and they expect on the l4th
to sail for Europe to be gone about
four months, which time they ex-
pect to give up wholly to pleas
ure and sight seeing. Mr.. Owen
stated that they would visit Eng
land, Italy, France and a great
portion Of southern Europe, spend
ing a good share OF their time in
Paris and London. Their little
daughter accompanied them. From
the map outlined there is little
doubt that their trip will be a
pleasant one and that their sojourn
in Europe will be all they could
wish for. Phoenix.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09
No Deputy Constables.

In the case of the United States
VS. Claude e. Helms before the ap-
pelate conrt Wednesday the opin-
ion was handed down affirming the
decision of the lower court.
This case is somewhat interest
ing from the fact that the court of
appeals holds that there can be no
such officers as deputy constables.
The case came up from the North
ern district.
Helms acting in the capacity of
deputy constable, served warrants;
the district attorney claimed there
was no law that made provision
for a deputy constable and there
were no provisions made for the
payment of salary or fees to any
officer of this description. Judge
Thomas so held and Helmes took
his case to the court of appeals.
The appellate court held with
Judge Thomas, and handed down
the opinion mentioned above
Capital.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09
TraIn Rohhers Conricted.

Jacob Fogeley was convicted
Wednesday ior.participation in the
hold-up of the Kansas City, Fort
Scott and Memphis passenger
train at Macomb, Mo-, last Janu-
ary. He was sentenced to twelve
y ears in the penitentiary.
Kennedy, the leader, will be
next tried and the fate Of Fogeley
seems to be awaiting him.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

Grocer-You butchers have soft
snap. You weigh the bones with
the meat and charge meat prices.
Butcher-I don't see as you have
any cali to talk. When you sell
Swiss cheese, don't you weigh the
holes and charge cheese prices for
theml-Boston Transcript.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

Our educational advantages are
not to be excelled any where, and
that this is recognized we have
only to note their over crowded
condition. Friends of these institu-
tions should see to it that increased
facilities are offered. Good schools
are the best possible advertise
ment.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

AT no time, said the cornfed
philosopher, "is man SO willing to
take the burden from the weak
shoulders of frail woman as when
she is harassed with the care Of a
large and paying property. In
dianapolis journal.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

One would think TO hear the ar
guments on our streets about the
relative merits Of the participants
in the big slugging match that
both we're born and raised here.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

1t is not SO much what is thought
and said that matters, but when,
where and to whom it is uttered.
Striking light over a wet blanket
is one thing, over barrel of gun
powder is another.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

A sage once said, II have learned
much from my teachers, more from
my companions and most from my
pupils. "-Talmud.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

The Freemasons were for several
centuries during the middle ages the
sole architects and builders Of
churches.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

In looking at her husband, a
woman usually says, II believe you
are guilty of something, although l
don't know what it is. Exchange.
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09
PESSIMISTIC FORECAST.
R. [. Owen Talks of Dawes
COMMISSIONS S Work.

O"ohs ldWycT anu newspaper
man of Muskoge, l. T., member
of the Cherokee tribe and of par
tiai Indian blood, is in the city.
He is here on business before the
interior department. He detailed
something Of the work OF the
Dawes commission in the terri
tory.
"The commission has had land
office in operation now three
months, and it has made a good
beginning on the allotment of the
lands OF the territory to the In
dians in severalty under the recent
act of congress. The first tribe
taken up was the Creeks, and al
ready 1000 allotments have been
made. There are 10000 to be
made in the entire territory and
80, 600 acres to be divided.
The Indians will get all the way
from eighty acres each to $40 acres
each, according to the wealth of
the different tribes. The entire
allotment would require eight
years or more, according to the
present rate, but the commission
will be able to proceed much more
rapidly as soon as it is more fa-
miliar with its work. y
Mr.. Owen said OF the feeling of
the Indians regarding the new or
der of things:
They are for the most part Bit
terly opposed to it. The wise
men OF the tribes see in the distri-
button of the land the beginning of
the end Of the disintegration Of the
FIVE tribes and their ownership of
the land. The Indian regards the
land as gift from God, not to be
distributed and not TO be bartered
or given away. When a tribe
holds its land as whole, this can
not be done, and its property is
safe.
Under the new system, although
there is at present in the law
provision that the Indians may
not sell their individual lands,
there will soon be modification,
without a doubt, which will allow
them to dispose Of them as they
see fit. Then the white men will
come in and get possession of
everything, as they usually do
always do--as soon as the bars are
let down. The lands are magnifi-
Gently rich, and each Indian owns
a small fortune under the new
plan, but they will nearly all be
induced TO sell out, and for very
small prices. by the persuasive
whites. The new law was, in fact,
dictated by the whites, and their
greed for the land was at the bot
tom Of it. 1T will be only few
years now, as sure as fate, before
the Indians will be driven out OF
the territory. The fullblood In
dians realize this even more than
the half breeds, perhaps, or at
least the thought of it appeals to
their peculiar natures more. They
are, as a race, lovers of isolation.
There is movement on foot now
among the fullbloods to emigrate
as a body TO Mexico. / believe
this will be done and that $4,000
of them viii 60 before many years
are past and found new Indian
colony"
One vwo,,ld think In hear the ar
The daily chieftain. [volume] (Vinita, Ind. Ter. [Okla.]) 1898-1902, 1899-06-09

Phos Pho Ferrine, the great
nerve tonic. To be had only at
Nichols fountain.
The Somerset reporter., 1899-11-09
Mrs. Mary Stevens.

Mrs. Mary Stevens died In West
Athens, Oct. 81. Mrs. Stevens was born
In Shapleigh, Maine, Nov 81, 1926. She
was the daughter of Richard and Polly
York, and is the last of a family of eight
children. She was a resident of Stetson
for nineteen years, and after the death
of her husband, Ira Stevens. she moved
back to her brother jesse York's in w.
Athens. After his wife died she kept
house for him four years, until he died,
and since then she has been cared for by
her nephew, Cyrus York. Her sickness
WAS short, only about two weeks. All
was done that could be done to make her
comfortable, tut she passed peacefully
away on the date mentioned above.
She experienced religion and became a
member of the Methodist Church at the
age of fifteen. She was an honest, up
right, Christian woman and will be
greatly missed by relatives and friends.
Her age was seventy-three years. The
funeral was at her late home, Thursday,
at 10 a. M, conducted by Rev. Jas. F.
Taylor. who preached from the the text,
Mark IA: 8, "She hath done what she
could" j. F. Il.
The Somerset reporter., 1899-11-09
Death of Mrs. Mcguire.

Mrs. Rosanna Mcguire, wife of John
Mcguire of Brighton, passed away, Mon.
day, Sept. 4, 1899, after an illness of
about four months. She was sixty. nine
years of age and has been resident of
Brighton, for thirty-five years. She
leaves husband and eight children
AlhaDard, who lives in the west, Oren of
Augusta, Reuel of Madison, Sewell of
Wsterville, Mrs. Bell Davis Of Harmony,
Mrs. Livona Hughes OF Bingham, Mrs.
Almeda York OF Scion and Miss Alice,
who has lived with her parents until her
mother died. All was done that loving
hands could do, but the dread monster
death claimed its own. She WAS most
earnest believer and follower of the
Lord and Master. In her home she will
be greatly missed as a good wife and
loving mother, and In the neighborhood
as one who was ever ready to help in
sickness or death. The funeral was held
at her home, Thursday at p. m, with
Rev. j. G. Gregory, officiating.
4 r n
The Somerset reporter., 1899-11-09
Apples I'm North Kennebec.

A representative of the Kennebec Jour,
nal has been in China and vicinity and
says farmers are well pleased over the
harvests. In China the apple crop was
far better than in most parts of the coun
try, and some OF the orchards there had a
big yield, and the quality of the fruit was
never better.
A. F. Ward, one of the up-to-date farm
ers of northern Kennebec. has $50 barrels
of Al winter fruit in his cellar OF these,
$50 barrels are Baldwins. 100 Greetings,
50 Ben Davis. and 50 of other varieties.
Mr. Ward also raised over 400 bushels oil
fine corn. aid had large crop of grain.
Alfred Jones & Son of China Neck raised
40 barrels of excellent winter fruit and
had some 25o baskets OF corn. Eben
Bailey raised 100 barrels of apples. E o.
Taylor OF China has ago barrels of good
fruit; Charles Getchel! 200 barrels Oscar
Ward of West China, has $50 barrels
and w. F. Ward of the same part of the
town, has 70 barrels. John H. Bailey Of
Winsl low has one of the largest apple
crops he ever raised. And there are others
equally fortunate Farming is paying for
the industrious farmers of this section OF
the county --WalHf Farmer
The Somerset reporter., 1899-11-09

those six long, dreary, miserable years
Think of the distress of a refined modest
woman during the, useless examinations
and treatment of four different doctors who
each and all failed to give her any comfort
Think of all this and then think that she
was finally cured-completely, wholly, per-
manently cured right in the privacy of her
home without the abhorrent "examina-
tons" and local treatment SO uniformly
insisted upon by home physicians-cured
just as she might have been six years before.
These are simply the facts in the case of
Mrs. NJ. B. Wallace, of Muenster, Cook
Co, Texas, who writes
II had been great sufferer from female weak
ness. tried four doctors and none did me any
good. ! suffered six years, but at last l found
relief. | followed your advice, and took four
bottles of Golden Medical Discovery, and eight
of the Favorite Prescription l now feel like
HeW zOomdn / have gained eighteen pounds :"
DR.. Pierce's Favorite Prescription is a
medicine made for just one purpose-to
cure disorders or diseases of the feminine
organism. 1t is the only preparation of its
kind introduced by regularly graduated
PHYSICIAN skilled specialist in the dis
eases of women, whose thirty years of sue
cessfu practice are a guarantee of health to
all sufferers who consult him.
Every woman may write fully and con-
fidentially to Dr. R. V. Pierce, Buffalo,
N. Y, and NAV be sure that her case
will receive careful conscientious, conf
dental consideration, and that the best
medical advice in the world will be given
to her, absolutely FREE.
In addition to this free advice DR.. Pierce
will send paper bound copy of his great
1000 page book The Common Sense Med.
ical Adviser, to any one who will send II
one cent stamps to pay the cost of mailing
French cloth binding, 81 stamps.