davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
ANECDOTES.

| one day, many years ago, the ser.
vice at Spurgeon's Tabernacle was
disturbed by regular hurricane of
coughing. Mr.. Spurgeon stopped in
MS discourse and said:- MY dear
friends, have cough; you have
coughs. But | think we can stop
them il we try. So let US have a cough,
good cough. and a cough all together
Now" The result, says one who
was present, was terrific, but after
half d minutes uproar Spurgeon con-
cluded his sermon in perfect silence.
Mrs: Kelley, the English actress
who died the other week at the ad-
Vanced age of ninety-two years, used
10 tell the following story about the
visit she paid to Queen Victoria at
Buckingham Palace ON the occasion
OF the Jubilee of 1887. Being incredu.
lous OF the genuiness of the invitation
she was supposed to treat the Royal
command as joke, and wrote q
rather sarcastic letter to the official, q
personal friend who had addressed it
TO her. This ne gave to the Queen,
ana the veteran actress was little
dlsconcerted when her Majesty told
her she had read the letter. Mrs.
heeley begged that it should be re-
stored to her. mo, No, Mrs. Kelley"
answered the Queen, lit is safely
pasted in my autograph book. You'll
never get it. again."
A foreign prince, a bad French
scholar, wished very much to see Sir
Edwin Landseer, who was staying in
Paris. The presentation took place.
All, Sir Edwin" said the prir ce, II
am delighted to see you, delighted;
you don't know how fond l am of
beasts,
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
VARIETIES.

Budding Politician with jammy
faces mo, ma, never touched the
jam, and if had don't like it, and
l don't believe there was any jam"
You are Mr.. Queezee, the hus-
band of the celebrated lecturess on
cookery, are you not2' Yes, SIR"
replied the detected, hollow-eyed man.
I'm the man she tries her new dishes
on"
-Miss Spinster--"I think it very
impolite for gentleman to throw q
kiss to lady" MissFlippant-"So
10 l. He should deliver it in person.
Level means fiat, yet the man who
would feel tlattered to be level-headed
would object strongly to being called
tlat-headed. Odd, isn'tit?
-She-"Oh, Jack! Do you know
Mr.. Gibbon punctuated his tire yes
terday;' He-"You mean puctured,
my dear" She-"Well, any way, he
came to a full stop"
-"Shall cut this loin of mutton
saddle wise?''sail a gentleman. NO"
said one of his guests, ''cut it bridle-
wise, for then l may have chance to
get bit in my mouth"
Fixing the Responsibility.-'Mary
Jim Perkins says it ~ time to take of
winter flannels." 'All right, Joseph;
il you get rheumatism you can go over
and stay with Jim Perkins until you
get WE'LL"
Won Blumer-I am afraid we
haven't much for dinner, but such as
it is-Clinker-Don't make any ex-
cuses old man Remamhar that
have dined at your home before.
"A naturalist tells us that snipe
has nerve running clear down to the
end of his bill. So has the plumber.
How wonderful are natures works.
Woman Ito drug clerk)-Got emmy
postage stamps, young man? Clerk
(sInartly)-Yes,m madam; two cents a
smartly) Gimme two, an one of 'en is
fer you. Clerk-For me2 For what
Woman to paste on top TO- your head
to keep Your brains from oozin' out.
Mr.. Teakum Strate-"I see that
boiling hair in a solution of tea will
darken it," Mrs. Teakum Strate-"So
I've heard, my dear, but I'll prefer to
have my tea darkened in some other
way"
English Snob-"Aw-aw-it must
be very unpleasant for you Am. rlcans
to be governed by people-aw--whom
you wouldn't ask to dinner" Ameri
can Bel e--Well-not more so, per
haps, than for you in England to be
governed by people who wouldn't ask
you to dinner -
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
DIRECT EVIDENCE.

A boy was summoned to testify in a
cuse of assault in which one man hit
another with shovel. A host of
witnesses had been called, who beat
about the bush" in the most tedious
and provoking manner. This annoy
ed the lawyer for the prosecution, who
broke out as follows:
Here, boy, we've been going around
and around this case for hours, and
yet have no evidence to convict the
prisoner. Now, SIR" he savagely con-
tinued, do you hear me? want you
to come to the direct point. Did you
see the blow struck"
Eyes, SIR"
"Ah, ha," chuckled the LAWYER.
rubbing his hands, I'VE have some
thing to work upon. Here, my good
lad. take this cane Chanding him his
walking-stick). If you saw the blow
struck, you must know how it was
given"
"Yes, sir, u
Now then, no words about it. l
tell YOU" Numbered the interrogation,
I'm the complainant and you are the
prisoner. Now just raise the stick
aid show the court"
The bewildered lad did raise the
stick" and the next moment it came
down upon the bald head of the as
tonished lawyer, and sent him stag
gering to his seat.
That's the way it was done sir"
said the boy, amid the shrieks of
laughter Of the whole courtroom
The discomfited counsel, with ghast-
y attempt to smile, said that he had
done with the witness the evidence
was direct.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
THE MEANESI' MAN.

Jeremiah Jones is even meaner than
the man who split up his wife's tomb
stone to repair his doorstep with it.
Jones was an inveierate tobacco
smoker, but as his wife detested the
practice and made home tempestuous
and stormy for him when he INDUCED
in the habit there, he always smoked
when away during the day, and de-
clared to his wife that he had stopped
permanently. But one evening upon
entering the front door and drawing
out his handkerchief he accidently
pulled out his package of tobacco, and,
without noticing it, left it lying on the
floor. When Jones sat down to his
dinner his wife walked in with the
tobacco in her hand, and, looking
Jones firmly in the eye, said, do you
know who this belongs to fn With
great presence of mind Jones turned
scowling to his oldest boy, and said,
with severe voice, Immortal Mars
Is it possible that you have begun to
smoke tobacco, you young reprobate
Where'd you get that nasty stuff
What d'you mean by such conduct,
you young villain? Haven't / told
you often enough to let the tobacco
alone?" Then Jones threw the
tobacco over the fence, where he
went out and got it in the morning,
and enjoyed it during the day.
"Merciful Moses ~ he exclaimed,
when he told us about it, what should
l have done if my children had been
all girls? 1t makes an old fathers
heart glad when he feels that he has q
boy he can depend upon in such emer-
gencies."
LAUGHTER AND CONVERSATION.
The most blessed gift in conversa-
ton is the power to be interested; but
il you cannot contrive to be interested
in what is being talked of, them either
60 away or else try to put life into
things by talking of something that
interests you. The true gerius Is the
person who, while giving, seems all
| the while to take; who can make a
man feel not merely that he has been
amused, but that he has been amusing,
A good laugh often contributes largely
to this contamination; there 10 no
possession more to be desired for q
young person than a good laugh; not
| necessarily loud laugh, but simply
the power of showing that he is
| amused. The muscles Of the face and
the eyes can do it silently; but if there
can be added to them also an agree
able noise, that is infinitely the better
Practically, an agreeable laugh is the
best sign of good health and good
spirits, and il communicates it's tonic
| quality to everyone within earshot.
even If they nave not the sympathetic
eIhilaration of the joke. But il a
good laugh is treasure, the bad
laugh is curse. 1t is the most COM
p!ete ex' ression of vulgarity attain
able by the human organs; and even
when it is not vulgar it 10 irritating.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
Boetical.
TIE Young NAN HifrED.
by j. EDMUND V. COOKE


BY j. EDMUND V. COOKE.
J.. ~. H..
a. a.. M I'olu ncio" iht young man SAT-
~, !" l On IN anXinns race. ara White cr2Vat,
~ n tni''oo.nB hsart, ana sllkeh hat'
Which he had accumulated.
And the maid Of his heart was up above,
Surrounded hy hat and gown and glove
Ana some thousand Thugs that women love,
But no III IN knows the name thereof,
Aud the )ollng man sat and waited.
Ill,
H., 'u ~, " III sCaIct neilGEe the LniliRs tGlI'
fp psil M WAYS tneteo, ! Know lhh we'll
mt snr ,,m may ~, NJ, ~, on s'ateu;
A sort Of Il half breed. thin stove hook
ANA heated Il well i'll the Faslight there
Aud thrust 1t into her head of hair.
!hen sire took something oil the bed
ana hooked II on to her hair or head.
lten shc pll''d II high ana piled II higher
And drove it home with staples OF wire
And the young masI anLiously-waited.
Tr.p sho t,o, a tbi,,r .b. o.I,od nup
And some very peculiar, whitish stun,
ana using about Il hail peck.
She spread il over her face and neck.
Deceit was a thing she hated.l
she looked as fair as the purest flower,
Or pound OF lard or s''' X Of flour,
Then she took garment OF awful shape,
4 nd il wasn't q vast nor yet cape,
But II seemed like 4 piece OF ancient mail
Or an instrument from n Russian Jail.
And then, with fearful prOan and gasp
She squeezed herself in its de6thly CLASH
So fair and yet so Jared
ArC then, with move like don't know what
She tied it on with double knot,
And the young Dwgpful!y-waitCl
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
He SCALPED HIM.

"Wiggy" MIL cd, the old Scotch in
ternational footballer, was about as
bald as billiard ball. but managed to
keep his badness concealed by means
of cap and wig. In one match, how
ever, as one of his opponents took a
red hot shot at close quarters at goal,
"Wiggy" got his head in the way of
the ball, and the wig and cap were
promptly knocked off. When the
shooter saw the result of the shot, he
seemed thunderstruck for a moment,
and then exclaimed, "Guid heavens!
I've scalped the monp'
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
ANECDOTE OF CHOATE.

Since Joseph Choate's appointment
as ambassador to England, one of his
wittiest sayings is being retold. 1t was
and Mrs. Choate were guests. Some
one inquired of him who he would like
to be if he could not be himself. He
paused Il few seconds, as il thinking
over the list Of world celebrities, and
then his eyes rested upon his wife.
"lf," he answered, II could not be
myself, l should like to be Mrs.
Choate's second husband"
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
THE USE OF DRE1MERs.

Dreamers are the pioneers OF the
workers, and there are few movements
of progress which have not had them
among their leaders. In the first
stage the reformer is q dreamer, and
men listen to him with wonder, posi-
bly, not unmingled with hope, but
certainly with a quiet suggestion that
his view is impossible. In the next
stage he becomes fanatic, and is the
subject of ridieule, which is sufficient
to Kill his wild ideas. When fana, ic-
ism takes q more practical character,
and adds to loftiness of conception
resolution of purpose and persistency
of action, he Is a faddist. The nearer
he comes to victory the more bitter
the sentiment with which he Is re-
garded, and if he has the reward of
success he certainly has to bear most
of the difficulties of the fight. Still it
is the dreamer by whom the thought
10 frat nrnsnntad
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
THE NEW HIRED GIRL AHEAD

A little comedy of family life-in
which a.new servant girl figures as
| heroine-is presented by the Chicago
| Rec0Id. Harrington, one of the
| characters, had been absent for three
weeks. When he rang the bell at his
own house, the young girl, who had
never seen him opened the door.
us Mrs. Harrington in?' he asked.
mo SIR answered the girl.
"Well, guess I'll wait for her."
put his foot over the threshold into
the hallway.
Excuse me, SIR" said the girl, "but
no ones home. l can't allow strangers
to wait in the house"
Harrington took in the humor Of
the situation. "All right" he answer
cd with n smile. "Just tell Mrs. Har-
rington that relative called" and
away he went.
A half an hour after his departure
his wife returned. HAS any one
called2" she asked the girl.
Yes, ma'an, a gentleman"
did he leave his cardF'
mo. ma'am; he said he was a rela-
tive, but he looked more like an agent
for cleaning powder than a relative.
He wanted to wait inside, but didn't
like his looks 20 didn't let him in"
'Quite right" remarked Mrs. Har-
rington. ut is just as we'll to be care
full. Besides, have no male relatives
who is likely to call this time Of day."
Mrs. Harrington barely had her
wraps off before her husband, who
had whiled away his time at.the bar
Der shop, put in his appearance again.
Has Mrs. Harrington returned
YETI" he asked Of Ella, who answered
the ring.
Yes, sir; she just got i'm
Hand her my card, if you please"
he said. II think she'll remember
me-"
Mrs. Harrington stepped out Of the
dining-room just as her husband, fol-
lowed closely by the servant girl,
moved out Of the vestibule into the
hall.
Why" she cried, when did you
get in?'
The servant misunderstood the
meaning Of the exclamation. He
got in when wasn't looking, ma am"
she said. He goes out again now, il
you say So"
You may let him stay, Ella" said
Mrs. Harrington.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26

HOLY PENS Ire MADE-

Pens are made by machines which
seem almost to think. The steel is
cut into ribbons as wide as the length
of one pen, and these are fed to ma
chimes which cut out the blanks, then
fashion, stamp them, split the points,
and place the makers name on the
backs. The pens are now complete,
save the annealing, and this forms a
separate operation. After being
annealed they are counted and placed
in boxes. A machine has been invent
ed for performing both these opera
lions.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
TIE THEORY VAS RIGHT.

Mrs. Bramble-Don't you remember
Will, how you used to rhapsodize
aver the thought of just You and I
living together in dear little cottage
somewhere, far from the maddening
throng? You used to say that would
be paradise, but you don't seem since
we are married to hold the same
opinion.
Mr.. Bramble--No gave up that
idea the week you were without girl.
You see, if we lived that way You
would have to do the cooking for us
right along.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26

|
clay hut was laid bare, while the five
heavy bags were hastily crammed in
side and the outer clay replaced, after
which the white men began to retreat
into the open plain, leaving their swags
behind them, while savaSes glided pa st
me with their spears in their hands.
saw the fight begin and end in the
open, and my FIVE countrymen fall.
| pierced with the shafts, while | still
lay unable to move and help them.
| The demons returned the way they
had come to the north, taking with
them the live swags, but paying no
heed to the ant hill which held the
treasure.
The morning sun was warming the
country when awoke, and with my
dream still vivid in my mind / began
with an eager heart to demolish INV
shelter of the night, and there, as had
seen them laid, | discovered the five
bags laden with gold dust and nuggets
enough to make me a wealthy man at
last.
| took what could carry with me,
and after reaching the nearest town
ship came back with a couple OF horses
for the remainder, and then, after
fifteen years. of absence, returned
to my native village a wealthy man,
and, of course, paid a visit to my old
sweetheart Maud Davis, now the wife
OF the baker.
Maud, always of a slender build, had |
grown shrewish and skinny, without IL |
single trace left of what had been |
carrying so long in my memory with |
tender regret.
| had altered from slim lad, with |
comedy face, into grizzly and heavy
old man.
We both looked at each other for q
moment and then laughed as Maud
said
"Lor', what an ugly man YOU have
grown, Frank, I'm lad l didn't wait
for you. after all, in spite of your
SO was /, as carefully wiped that
long kept picture from The slate of my
memory.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-05-26
IliE EGlSAND NIELLlGENCEk.
Is PH6ttshed Eves.y Frfdayby
FRANK E. GORRELL.
TEKns.-sl.oo A Year In advance

Insertions or less S1.5O. Each subsequent in
scrtion - cents. Longer advertisements III
the same proportion. A space equal to six
price.
Obituaries and Personal Communication
will be inserted at 10 cents per line.
Yearly Advertisements at Special Rstes.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1899-04-04

Washington, March 30.-The British
embassy here has received advices from
Samoa in the shape OF a dispatch to
resentative there. II is under date of
March 10Th and is~a brief report on the
collision between the two native fac
tons there and the bombardment by
the British and American vessels. The
dispatch does not go into details, but
is confirmatory OF the advices already
received by the Associated Press. It
announces that four British sailors
were killed.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1899-04-04
BIG FIRE IN
The City Hall, Opera House and Postal
Telegraph Building Burned g

Columbia, S. c., March 30.-At Z
o'clock this evening the big city hall
and opera house was discovered in
flames and burned to the ground, to-
gether with the adjoining building oc-
cupied by the Postal Telegraph Com
pany. The fire started on the theatre
stage and in a few minutes had en-
veloped the entire building. The ag-
gregate loss is about $40, 900. with $780,
500 insurance. The city police h%eadquar-
ters, electric fire telegraph station, the
stores beneath, lodge and library rooms
all were totally destroyed. Practically
nothing "a saved.
BY hard work the Carolina National
bank building and the Western Union
office were saved, though all tele-
graphic communication with the out
side world was cut off for several
hours. Fortunately, there were no
prisoners in the police station n but
few people in the building.
Several other buildings caught, but
were quickly extinguished. The build
ing was erected during reconstruction
days n it's original cost ran into the
hundreds of thousands. There were no
serious casualties. City Auditor Allen
and City Treasurer Talley distinguish
ed themselves in risky efforts to save
the city records on the second floor of
the burning structure. The building
was in the heart of the city.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1899-04-04
The Rotten Reef Court

Washington, March 30.-There. were
two original witnesses before the army
inquiry beef court today and two for
mer witnesses were recalled. Lieuten-
ant CAMPER, who was commissary of
subsistence at Lakeland. Fla, and Ma
jor Creighton Webb, who was on Gen.
eral Lawton's staff in Cuba, testified
for the first time.
Major Webb's testimony e en-
tirely, almost, with the canned roast
beef, which he denounced as useless
as an article of food. ut was not food"
he said. 1T was non-nutritive, stringy,
fbrous n had no taste. It looked like
the flag ends of beefsteak. 1t was not
satisfactory-sOmething we did not
want and could not give away, even
to the Cuban troops who preferred
hard bread"
Major Webb said he tried to eat the
beef occasionally when very hungry,
but never received any satisfaction
from it except when vegetables were
~procurable, when it was used as hash
to some advantage.
Colonel Woodruff testimony was not
important. Tomorrow some OF the med
ical officers who served in the Cuban
campaign will be examined.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1899-04-04

partment at 1870 o'clock this morning
made public the following dispatch
from General Otis:
Manila, March 81.
"Adjutant General, Washington:
Macarthur captured Malolos at 1915
o'clock this morning. Enemy retired af-
ter slight resistance n firing city.
Particulars later. Hall had quite sever
engagement beyond Mariquina. s
alties twenty. Enemy driven.
Otis"
SENATOR HOAR ON THE WAR.
Boston, Mass, March 3O.-A letter
bearing date of February 4th and
signed by 100 OF more Of the most
prominent men in and around this city,
headed by Ex-Governor George S.
Boutwell,, commencing the attitude in
congress of Senator Hoa and inviting
him to address them at a future date,
was made public today. Accompanying
it is the letter of acknowledgment from
Senator Hoar, bearing date of yester-
day in which he says:
81 do not think there is any reason
personal to me for holding such a pub
lie meeting. Undoubtedly, there should
be and there will be many public meet
ings the country over to protest against
ltrampling under foot the rights of a
brave people struggling for their lib
critics, the violations of the principles
of our own constitution and of the dec
laration Of independence, and the con-
t~inuance by the American people in the
costly and ruinous path which has
brought other republics to ruin and
shame, which will dishonor labor,
place terrible burdens upon agriculture
and fasten upon the republic the shame
of what President Mckinley has so
lately n so truthfully declared to
be criminal aggression; but 1 think 1t
will be wiser TO have meetings of that
character a little later rather than just
now.
"An attempt has been made to per-
suade the American people that the
resistance to our arms by the people
of the Philippine islands has been due
to those who oppose the attempt to
~subjugate them and who oppose being
bought and paid for as articles of
merchandise. A strict military censor-
ship was exercised over the cable to
the Philippine islands during the whole
period. / have. in my possession one of
the original circulars Of the cable COM
pany, warning all persons hat no dis
patch would be transmitted having the
least relation Ito politics, without the
assent of the military authorities of
the United States"
After quoting some personal expe-
riences growing out of his position,
Senator Hoar says:
"The blood Of the slaughtered Phil
I ippinoS, the blood and the wasted
health and life of our own soldiers is
| upon the heads of those who have un-
dertaken to buy a people in the mar
ket like sheep or to treat them as law
full prize and booty of war, to impose
a government on them without their
consent, n to trample under foot not
only the people of the Philippine is
lands, but the principles upon which
the American republic itself rests"
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1899-04-04

Fatal Accident nj the sandy Hook
Proving Grounds

New York, March 29.-At b Sandy
Hook proving grounds this afternoon
one of the 10-inch b~reech-loading rifles.
under proof test. burst its breech. the
block OF which, flying backward, pene-
trated the Sand butt in It's fight. kill
ing Henry V. Murphy and injur.ng
Privates Harrigan and Beemer. Of the
ordnance department. Il Is thought
that the injuries OF the wounded men
are not serious. Captain Rabbit. in
charge OF the proving grounds. avs
that the accident was caused by excess
sIve pressure Of the smokeless powder
charge. The gun, which burst at the
fourth round, was OF the 1895 model
II was totally destroyed. and IL par
TALLY wrecked the barbette carriage on
which il was mounted.
Murphy had for many years beer the
recording clerk at the testing OF guns
here. and had several narrow escapes
before.
The semi-weekly messenger. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1897-1908, 1899-04-04
PRICE OF LUMBER ADVANCED
The North Carolina NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
Succeeds In Putting UP the Quota.

Norfolk, Va, March 30.-The price
of lumber has been forced up. The
North Carolina Pine Lumber Associa-
ton has for some time past been en-
deavoring to bring about more favora-
BILE conditions in the trade, but up TO
today nothing tangible was accom-
plished. The directors of the associa-
ton have been working TO adjust all
existing differences among dealers and
ge. them together on a mutually accep-
table basis. A uniformly high rate was.
for a long time, however, almost an
impossible consummation, but though
long and hard efforts the association
has at last arrived at an understand
ing. The advanced price Is only so
cents per 1000 feet, but 1t means in the
aggregate a tremendous saving 20 the
mills, many of which were clearing
nothing at all at the former price Of the
staple.