The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1899-02-14
MODERN MALAPRoPISMS.
Amusing Errors of Tongue and Pen
with Big Words.

FROM the Cornhlll Magazine.
II is always interesting, and some
times instructive, to listen to the blum
ders in speech made by others, and
some of these bad breaks that are
certainly amusing. In the club or
drawing-room, on the streets, even in
churches, we often find the meanings
Of words hopelessly confused, or the
words themselves clipped and altered
almost out of all recognition. The
English language seems TO afford
boundless opportunities to those who
possess that dangerous gift of little
knowledge, for ludicrous interchange
and misapplication. Here are a few
specimens of such blunders that have
come within the experience of the
writer:
Two old students of politics came to-
Scther one morning upon the streets.
ITS bad state of affairs" said white
beard No. l gloomily. "As bad as it
can be-" agreed No. with alacritY
There must be war" quoth one. "Ah.
you're right. We can never escape
this time" croaked the other. Let
me see," said No. 1, working tremu-
lous hand toward his coat-tail pocket,
''let me see what the daily paper pro-
crastinates!"
A clergyman was called out TO min
lister TO an old mana worker upon
the raiiway-who was supposed to be
dying, The summons was brought
by another old man, the elder brother
OF the stricken one. While he was
bustling about, making preparations
for departure, the clergyman forgot
moentarily the social status of his
visitor, and asked rs he in extre-
mis?' AYE, he's right in, your rev.
erence." After q pause he added as
clincher: "Clean in, poor chap!
Right up to the neck, sir" Presently
the old man went on sadly: me and
brother Bill ave worked together the
past fifteen year" "On the railway"
asked the clergyman. AYE, sir We've
worked all that time on the armament
way" This reminds us of the large
and burly individual who was asked
his occupation. Occupation, sir? Why,
to be sure, be a gorger!" or course
he meant a gauger.
Come out O. that" shouted the irate
but jealous church warden in a rural
district to some urchins who were
| playing marbles against the church
| door. "rll let parson know how ye
dessicate the holy place" This word
forms a common stumbling block. A
grocer once Informed us that people
| from quite the respectable classes not
| infrequently asked him for desecrated
| soup.
A school boy wrote confidently in a
| grammar paper, There are five vowels
| in the English language, with W and
y" Another boy, who, together with
a friend, was hailed before the head
| master, accused of breaking bounda-
| ries, made a similar transpositon. His
chum offered the usal school boy plea
of ignorance-it is marvellous by the
way, how ignorant the sharpest boy
can be of regulations-and further
| protected him by the assertion that
they had only travelled a few yards
| of the forbidden territory. The ques-
ton, And what have you to say?''
The lad, who had a penchant for the
dangerous habit of using long words,
replied, please, sir Smith has made
a perfectly voracious statement"
In the gardens of the Geological So
ciety a couple were standing before
the cage of the hyenas, while the man
was commenting upon the habits OF
the beast for the benefit of the woman
who hung to his arm. "BiH!" she ex-
claimed, what ave these ere to dc
with marriage?" why, naught, YOU
silly" retorted Bill unpoIitely. They
ave" she returned, triumphantly
when a couple are being spliced, we
ears them talk of the hyenal altar"