The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1899-01-25
A HIRsUTE SCALE.
Tones and Tunes in Mhiskers ana
Beard,
From the Philadelphia Press.

huIllcQly repeated manipulation. eu
are totally wrong in your premises and
therefore grotesquely absurd in your con-
illusions. A faddist is a man whose zeal
serves no end, whose energies are misd-
rected The investigator, the collector,
the student, contribute to the sum Of
knowledge, and must not be confused with
that pernicious beast. the faddist VINO
rides a hobby without reius or bride. lie
is like the bauder log i'm the jungle Books.
the monkey reopie who are always ue-
mendously busy but accomplish nothing
But why this avalanche of words?
What have / done TO be bombarded with
out the twenty-fOur hours notice laid
down by the International rules of war;"
protested the man with the corduroy
Naistcoat.
81 hear that you have referred to my
monograph on the Musical Quality of
Whiskers' as a lunahc fad. and insin-
uated that a padded cell for one might
be a suitable Christmas present. Your
gross ignorance of the intellectual life, the
absence of a glimmer of appreciation of
scientific effort palliate your oHense IN
some measure, sir. From an impulse OF
charity l talk to you as 1 should to
child"
But my dear professor, I confess nave
itv of Whiskers,' and to the average or
non-scientific mind the title was calculat-
ed to tickle ones sense of the ridiculous.
For while nature has provided Whiskers
as a protection and an adornment, they
1 use the plural-have been the SUBJECT
for much jest and merriment For exam
pie the Populist and the stage lrlshman
would be totally shorn of notoriety WIN
out their characteristic brands or vintage
of whiskers. AS you say, my levity was
inspired by ignorance. l am seeker af-
ter light"
The scientist put foot in etirrup, threw
himself into the saddle and the hobby
horse dashed furously away under whip
and SPUR:
1T has been known for long time that
the wind blowing through Whiskers causes
vibrations which produce musical notes
upon the principle of the aeolian harp.
Naturally, the length, number and ar
rangement of the hairs causes differences
in pitch and intensity. For purposes of in
vestieation / have made a rough classi-
fication, the falsetto, tenor baritone and
basso whiskers, each of which gives IT'S
characteristic note when vibrated by the
breeze. l have thus far discovered only
one chord that of two notes given by
the side whiskeTs of the type known as
Burnsides.
lied Uncle Sam is faIsetto of peculiar
shriu and piercing quality when agtated
by a high wind, such as often prevails in
the Senate chamber at Washington. l not-
ed last year that the note was like that
of a bugle a singular coincidence in the
light of recent stirring events in the ma
TONS history"
you will say that you have never heard
any of these extraordinary sounds even
1ssat nit h a
wealth of basso-profundo whiskers, but
Won must understand that the ear must
be trained by long practice and expert
ment The eve of a backWoodsman follows
a trail where you or l could not detect a
misplaced leaf. The expert wine faster
will differentiate score of vintages where
we swear all had been drawn from the
same bin So with colors and sounds. l
was the pioneer in the field of musical
hirsutology, and by the arduous training
of years l can recognize the sweet note
of a tenor whisker many feet away al
though the breeze may be almost asleep.
OF the nl-trimmed and unkept whiskers
which give forth horrible discord can
not speak without shudder. am thank
full that l have happened upon only two or
three of such torturing sets" in the
course of my Investigations
my monograph was reviewed in The
Press in the early part of September
1894. and l have been going over old
ground, with the object of preparing you
for the knowledge of my latest idea. 1t
is stupendous in ITS originality, but
scarcely practicable at the present time,
l fear
You must take my word for it that
the tones of this new instrument, If l
may call il such, are extraordinarily rich
and pure in quality, and l do not exag-
serate when / cal them ravishing, even
IN the single note or the simplest chord
If a combination on assembling could
be achieved and manipulation of tones
made possible according to the musical
scale, there would be at hand for the
works of the great masters a medium of
Interpretation such as the world has never
heard. The finest symphony orchestra
would sound harsh, inadequate, discordant
in comparison.
Il have experimental with harmony only
on a small scale thus far. 1t is a very
expensive process. l have assembled one
octave and was transported with delight
The mechanical difficulties can be sur
mounted.
"Of course the single note of the Wits
ker is regulated by the length of the
growth, or what / may call the myriad
strings of this harp. For example. by
trimming tenor beard with the delicacy
and skill which | have acquired, any note
in the scale may be procured. Thus you
can see that the light notes of the oc-
tave are a my disposal by trimming eight
tenor boards, according to the musical
scheme of my system. II is Of course
much the sans with the other musical
parts the soprano, or second tenor, the
first and second BASES, or alto and bass
Thus you can see that 1t is possible to pro-
cure each distinct note for whatever regis
Ger desired, and for the four parts Of har-
nony in music.
Having assembled the human instru-
ments, granted hat they have been prop
erly tuned with pair of scissors, we are
ready, do you think? Oh. no. How are
we to produce The sounds2 You cannot
place a free silver orator before the or
chestra and instruct him to unchain the
wind. If every instrument were TO sound
al once, imagine the awful discord. 1
shudder to think of it. This orchestra
must be played upon. as II were, as a pia-
no is played. The whiskers are the harps,
the passive agents of melody.
in front Of each of these human in
struments will stand the player, who will
.arl~,,fo4a q pair of baI1ous rTtc r,.,,gica1