The Iola register. [volume] (Iola, Allen County, Kansas) 1875-1902, 1899-03-03
The Urgathered Spinsters.

anxious to see the Old Maids in con.
vention assembled. People went
early and stayed late. Soon after the
curtain rose party of belated bache-
lors marched in and occupied seats on
the bald headed row.
The chair woman of the convention
called the convention to order and
that collection of antiquities arranged
themselves while the crowd laughed.
There were gowns, sheavens, no man
could describe them They could
not be properly described with so
briefly and it would not be decent to
scott at anything so ancient in style
and cut. Suffice to say, that the
gowns were masterpieces of effront-
cry to the prevailing styles Of today
gems of the past century.
The convention opened with few
jokes-mournful and heartfelt-and
with the minutes of the last meeting.
Then there was II promiscuous order
of business and resolutions were
adopted, looking to the ameliOratiOn
of the singular wretchedness of spins
tiers. 1t was decided to petition con
gress to improve the matrimonial
market. Committees reported. The
discovery committee created sensa-
ton by reporting a find out west
where there were forty men to one
woman The convention was re-
strained with difficulty from stam-
peding. An argument arose when it
was decided TO go "enmassy." IA to
the proper garments to wear and the
oldfashioned "clinging ivy" woman
prevailed over the new woman.
There was music-so they said, A
duet by Sophronia Amanda Long
Mrs. Frank smith, and Ruth De-
borah Sharp dot Harris), accom-
panied on the melodeon by penelope
Gertrude Delittle (Eunice Jennings.)
The convention. to say nothing of the
audience, was eXcruciatingly happy
when the last of the ninty-nine verses
had been sung.
Sophronia Amanda Long then read
a poem, telling of the local matri-
monial market. When she got
through, members OF the audience
had to drag the line of bachelors from
beneath the chairs where they had
shrunk. Every man in that line had
been gloriously held up to the public
scorn and the crowd heartlessly
laughed at each jibe. The REGISTER
would like exceedingly to print the
poem, and may later.
Jessica Juliet Smith Jennie Nc
NeiD sthen played solo entitled
"Rescue the Perishing" on an ac-
cordeon. Twas beautiful. About
this time a male reporter was dis
covered beneath table and chased
out. The chair-woman took occasion
to remark, heartlessly, that he should
have been captured "as even re-
porter is better than no man at ALL
At this stage of proceedings, Prof
Makeover was announced and eN
, planned his business. He was paten
tee of machine that converted old
a maids into sweet young girls. The
a idea caught on and the professor hac
, to run the entire convention through
/ his mill. 1t was Il large square con
Germ, with funnel into which hi
poured chemicals, while an assistant
turned the handle. One by one thu
old maids entered the door, first tell
ing whata kind of a sweet Miss. they
a wished to be A turn of the wheels
u wild skriek, flying shreds of gar
ments and out walked the old maiC
. converted into sweet young girl &C
! cording to specifications. Beside
improving looks and age, the ma
chine gave other qualities and accom-
/ plishments, and singers, speakers
I n-eyed, blue-eyed, long short
fat, came out. The machine worked
{ beautifully until the little colore'
! girl Neona CreightOn) who acted a
handmade to the chair woman, trie'
! it. She asked to be make tall anC
white. The machine broke dow
and in spite of chemicals and loni
{ turning, the little browny came GU
3 pale and mangIed.
Then the rejuvenated old maid
9 gave a drill, one of the prettiest eve
: given in lola, and the curtain wen
= down on one Of the most amusing AM
9 successful performances ever given i
. the city. The Columbine Rebekahs
9 under whose auspices it was given
. reaped golden harvest and wol
3 golden opinions and the public "gc
= its moneys WORTH" many time
y over.
8 The sold maids"who made the even
= success were: Misses Jennie Nj
. Mel, Adah Wright, Maud Minro'