The age-herald., 1899-03-07
NEGOTIATIONS OF MR. DOOLEY

IT wonder will Dewey r-run fr prisidint?" said MT. Hennessy He'd be tn gr-reas candydate. dinnaw whether he's Dlms mycrat or a Protestant. but I'd vote fr him."
 "No," said Mir. Dooley Me cousin George is not a candydate He don't need tn job an why shud he take 1t? Can ye imagine, Hinnissy, Cousin George settin' in tn lap iv Hinky Dink fr to get a nom- mynation? Can ye think iv him r-runin' around tn eounthry smellin' iv gasoline smoke an maxim speeches in Bricklayerss hall? Cud ye get Cousin George fr to come out on tn stoop iv his battle ship to ad- . .dhress dil1ygation iv tn Susplnder Sales man, Expansion, Home Market an Dewey club? How'd he look in photograft with copy iv tn Vermont Pallajum in his hand a pitcher iv his Aunt Name on tn wall behind him? How'd he an me frind Macchew Quay get along together thryin' to uphold tn honor iv tn naytional bankin' system? How'd he keep himself Fright with tn cor-rner stone iv tn rapublic, tn thrade in beef in tn can? An how'd he hold tn German vote an lave it live?
 NO, Cousin George is not a candydate. Divvie bit iv 1t. A rayporther finds him up on tn roof iv battle ship illvatn tn degraded Philippeens higher thin Gilderoys kite, an says he: Admiral he says. will ye r-run fir prisidint?' He says: FIT what? says Cousin George. 'F'r prisidnt iv tn United States says tn ray porther. I see mesilf, says Cousin George, pointin long gun at church, I see me- silf goin' home to that happy but excited counthry an galopn ar-round firm wan precint to another nailin' dilygates, he says. I see mesilf,' he says, as he shoots thrteen-inch shell at former allies, 'tellin' tn Naytional Association iv Man nyfactherers iv Imbammed Beef that they're presarvin' tn thraditions iy Wash ington an Lincoln,' he says, 'whin they can't presarve COW meat so that it'll last through a hard winter, he says. Catch me singin', "rhey'se No Place Like Home in Boston, an',' he says "They Sc No Place Like Home to Get Away Fr'm" in Washington he says. "Th tariff says he. The on'y jooties I know about is those, he says, I owe to mesilf, to paste you small but fiery ruffyans,' he says. 'Th' money question with me Is will l get tn salary that goes with tn new job or won't T.? he says. I'm here,' he says, 'an' tn beauchous blue sky iv our happy colony is over me- he says, 'an I'd rather have me fellow citizens that is to be if they live as marks fir me- he says, thin to be mark fir thim an tn likes iv thim at home,' he says. Say to tn good people iv tn United States he says, that I'm doin' well where am,' he says. There bein' nawthin' left on tn sea-, he says, I am pursooin' land operations on me own hook, hn inst reDalpd CaV'lrV charge he says, 'an' tomorrow I'll have me ships thu aimed to climb threes an dhrive out sharpshooters,' he says I'm tn boy orator iv tn Pasig,' he says, an I'm makin' a speech ivry five minyits an ivry speech a gr'reat hit with tn colored vote, he says I recognize tn honor ye as a riprisintative rayporther have offered to me- he says, but he says, I prefer he says, that some wan else shud have it. he says. 'Bisides,' he says, 'mebbe if I waned it coudden't get it. he says.
 So there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Cousin George will not come on here to address you an other intilligint citizens like ye firm. tn back iv a dhray. He'll lave tn destiny iv tn raypublic to other hands that can conthrol 1t tn way tn man conthrolled tn balloon whin he got caught be tn anchor. He'll lave tn destiny iv tn nation to others, an see that tn shootin' iv tn na- tion goes sthraight. Frm tn look iv things tn statesman can take day off fir a while an lave tn wurruk to tn marksman. Cousin George will stay in tn Phlippeens an blow up tn enchantin' scenery an pro- tect tn naughty subjects iv tn Impror Willum an Carl Schurz in tn mannyfac- ther iv liver wurst and see that tn prisi- dint's peace commissioners Is not ct be our enlightened brethren in Manila, an Mack an nell stay at home practisn tn arts iv peace an expandin' with Cousin George as he goes along, so that tn bordhers iv our beloved counthry firm day to day'll be where his coat tail flies in tn breeze. Tn United States Is bounded on tn east by tn Atlantic ocean an on tn west by Cousin George.'
 After a. long pause MT. Hennessy took his cigar from his mouth and remarked: "He wudden't git tn German vote.' "No" said MT. Dooey, "but if he r-run perhaps he wudden't lave thim vote'