The Portland daily press., 1899-08-09
MARK TWAIN ON MORALITY.
Some Characteristic Extracts from His
Speech at the New vagabonds DIM
ner

1t has always been difficult-leave that
word difficult not exceedingly difficult.
but just difficult, nothing more than
that, not the slightest shade to add to
that-just diiiicult--to respond properly,
in the right phraseoIcgy, when compll-
ments ara paid 10 me; but 1t is more than
dlflicult.when the compliments are paid
to a better than Inv wife. And while
am not here to TESTIFY against myself
can't be expected to do 80, a prisoner In
your own country is not admitted to do
so-as to which member OF the family
wrote my books. could say In general
that really wrote the books myself. NV
wife puts the facts In, and they make 1t
respectable. In MIR. Grossmith's remarks
there was a subtle something suggesting
my favorite theory of the difference te-
tween theoretical morals and practical
morals. ! try 10 ins;ill practical morals.
l try to instili practical morals In the
place of theGtricAl-I mean theoretical
morals. When your Chairman said 1T
was tn g first time he had ever taken the
chair, he did not mean that he had not
taken lots of other things He attended
my drst lecture and took notes. This In
Dictated the mans disposition.
Theoretical morals are the s-rt you get
on your mother knee, In good books and
from the pulpit. You gather them in your
head and not in your heart; they are
theory without practice. Without the as
sistance Of practice to perfect them It is
difficult to teach child. be honest. don't
steal. will teach you how It should be
done, lead you into temptation. teach you
how to steal, SO that you may recognize
when you have stolen and feel the proper
Iangs.
"1he first time ever stole a water
Melon-that is, ] think it was the first
time; anyway, 1t was right along there
Eomewhere-I stole it out of farmers
wagon while he was waiting ON another
customer. Stole is a harsh term. with
drew-I retired that watermelon. / car
ried 1t to q secluded corner of lumber
yard. I broke it opon. 1t was green
the grsenest watermelon raisei in the val
ley that year. Ihe minute ] saw 1t was
green was sorry and began to reflect.
reflection 10 the beginning of reform. If
you don't reflect when you commit a
crime then that crime Ia Of no use; 1t
might just as well have been committed
by some one else You must reflect or
the value Is lost; you are not vaccinated
against committing 1t again. began to
reflect. said 10 myself: What ought a
boy to do who has stolen green water
melon? What would George Washington
do, the father Of his county, the only
American who could not tell u lie? What
would he dor There Is only one right,
high, noble thing for any boy to do who
has stolen a watermelon OF that olass-he
must make restitution; he must rsstoTs
that stolen property to its righttnl o me-.
l said / would do 1t when ] II mat
good resolution. ! felt 1t to BE- IA no IL
uplifting obligation. l rosa. up sai.lI uai-
ly stronger and refreshed. / carried th 4
watermelon back-what was left of it,
and restored 1t to the farmer, and made
him give me ripe one In Its place. Now
you see that this constant impact OF
crims upon crime protects you Against
further commission of crime. 1t builds
you up. A man can't become morally