davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21
Not the Wnrnf.

AS an instance OF the sort OF things
one might wish to have expressed dir
ferently. prominent physician reports
remark made to him by patient
The doctor had written a note to the
lady, and on his next visit she asked
him to tell her what two words In It
were, as she had been unable TO de-
cipher them. 1T has been said OF me
that my writing is the worst thing
about me-" said the physician. laugh
ingly, as he surveyed his own scrawi
with doubt. ''oh. but am sure that
is not SOL" was the hasty disclaimer
Far from It. doctor. far from TT"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21
Saving 60 the Last

You have only an hour longer to
i've" said the physician, solemnly, to
the wealthy miser on his deathbed. ia
there anything you wish attended to
before you pass away?"
Yes" answered tho stricken man
In faint yet eager tones. II am glad
you spoke of 1t. Send for the barber
at once and have him shave me be-
fore / die. only have to pay him
90 cents for coming In to shave me
now. and the regular price is 81 for
shaving q dead man. Might as well
save that half-dolar while I'm about
!t."-New York World.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

NNI!MSN sSYSIEETTaSz=g
bI RQblN GREY

Madge," said Mary. pushing open
the door at that minute. do you know
where Mr.. Martineau is?"
Marguerite started violently.
Mr.. Martineau! what-what made
you think Of him?"
We'll, was just wondering how
you were going to be Mildred's brides
maid unless you got your marriage
annulled?"
That Is worth consideration" re-
turned Marguerite, gravely. Mary
would you think me selfish IL I went
off on my own account this morning
IL have some business-do you mind
being deserted?"
mot at ALL. said Mary, cheerfully
Thank you, dear. You are quite
sure you don't mind?"
Downright certain! To begin with,
here's that letter of mothers to an
swer. Shall / say we leave London
this week. Madges'
Eyes. please, dear"
Marguerite escaped Hurrying to
her room. she surveyed herself critical
ly from head to foot in a full-length
mirror-added touch here and there,
donned particularly becoming hat
and carefully selected gloves, then, run
ming down stairs. let herself out, and
hailed a hanson.
Stop at the first florists you come
to-" she said.
Having loaded herself with lilies of
the valley and marguerites. she gave
the cabman the name of the hospital,
and was driven speedily tn.lAer.
1t was not until she had paid and
dismissed the cabman, and stood wait
ing for admittance. that she began to
realize what she was doing; and she
was frightened at her own boldness.
How is Mr.. Martineau?" she in
CURED, with an air of confusion. II
wanted to hear how he is?"
Which ward?" asked the porter.
Marguerite could not tell.
IAN accident" she tried to explain.
"The gentleman was thrown out OF a
cab. and brought in yesterday"
A ray Of intelligence Illuminated the
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

"Yoa Did"
It's good to wander back again
Among the old home folks,
II rather satisfies man
To hear the same old jokes:
To hear somebody say: Il knew
You when you were kid"
But someone always tells you OF
The foolish things you did.
Your heart beats lighter as 1t did
In long-forgotten days,
When at some well-remembered spot
Reflectively you gaze.
But 1t seems queer that all your good
And noble deeds are hid.
And people only call to mind
The foolish things you did.
They talk OF others who've gone out
Into some foreign land;
They tell OF things these other folks
Have done-and they seem grand.
But when II comes to talk OF you,
Their minds cannot be rid
or the belief you'd like to hear
The foolish things you did.
You know you've done a thing or two
Which show you've got some sense.
But every time they talk OF you
They're certain to commence
With tales OF What fool you were
When you lived here--a kid"
They have forgotten all except
The fOolish things Won dId
Baltimore American.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21
WHARF Had IN

Aren't you afraid the law will take
as In hand for gambhng?" said tha
umid man who had Just been per-
suaded into making an election bet.
Never mind" answered the conn
dent politician. Even II 1t does.
you're all right. They wouldn't send
You to Jail for making that bet They'd
send you to the insane asylum
Washington Star.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

He-Don't you think that girl over
there Is beautiful?
She (coldly critieal)-oh, I don't
know. Who Is she?
He--Mrs. Nuter. Just been married.
She-Yes. think she is--quite
beautifuL--Detroit Free Press.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

Put me off at Beacon street." said
the fair passenger to the Boston troll
ley conductor.
Il will notify you when Beacon
street Is reached" replied the con-
ductor. "and be glad to assist you
to alight, but ! couldn't entertain the
brutal thought of putting you of. my
dear lady. "--Philadelphia North Amer
lean.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

From the Chicago Tribune: Il have
noticed" said the Rev. DIR. Goodman,
pausing in his discourse, that two or
three of the brethren have looked at
their watches several times in the last
few minutes. For fear their time
pieces may not agree will say that
the correct time is 1l:45. / set my
watch by the regulator ut the jewell
er's last night. The sermon will be
over at 1901. 1t would have closed
promptly at IL but for this depression.
Let us proceed TO consider now what
the apostle meant when he says, L
press toward the mark"
The winter of the coal mans dlscon-
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

Aunt M'riar-Hiram. hev ye got
Johns letter?
Hiram Otecake-Naw; wuzn't nuth-
in important in 1t, but Their envelope
SEE. Return in five days." SO l done It.
New York World.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

The Sweet Young Thing-But ON
what do you base your idea that Ham
let was feeble-minded?
The Savage Bachelor-Mainly on the
fact that so many women want to play
the part.-Indianapoli Journal.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21
OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL
AND SELECTED.

A Variety of Quips. Gibes and Ironies.
10 Cause Smile - Flotsam and
5ctsam from the Tide OF Humor--
witty saying&
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

everlasting light. and the days OF thy
mourning shall be ended" So shall
the sunset of earth become the sunrise
OF heaven.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

Mahomet said: THE sword is the
key of heaven and hell" But, my
hearers, in the Last Day we will find
Just the opposite of that to be true. and
that the sword never unlocks heaven.
and that he who heals wounds is great
er than he who makes them, and that
on the same ring are two keys-God's
forgiveness of us and our forgiveness
OF enemies-and these two keys unlock
Paradise.
And now, I wish for all OF you a
beautiful sunset to your earthly exist
ence. With some OF you 1t has been
long day of trouble. and with others
of you 1t will be far from calm. When
the sun rose at six o'clock II was the
morning OF youth, and a fair day was
prophesied. but by the time the noon
day or middle-life had come, and the
clock of your earthly existence had
struck twelve, cloud-racks gathered.
and tempest beloved in the track
OF tempest. But as the evening OF old
age approaches. ! pray God the skies
may brighten and the clouds be piled
up into pillars as OF celestial temples
to which you go, or move as with
mounted cohorts come to take you
home. And as you sink out OF sight
below the horizon, may there be a
radiance OF Christian example linger-
Ing long after you are gone. and on
the heavens be written in letters OF
sapphire. and on the waters In letters
of opal. and on the hills in letters OF
emerald. Thy sun shall no more go
down, neither shall thy moon with
draw itself, for the Lord shall be thine
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

The winter OF the coal mans discon-
tant Ia the mild sort.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

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Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21


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Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1899-12-21

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Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09
WORLDS LITTLE THINGS.

The smallest cows in the world are
to be found in the Samoan islands.
The smallest camels belong to Persia
They are not more than 90 inches high
Berlin has the smallest elephant IN
the world. 1t is 80 inches high and
weighs 100 pounds
Tavolara is the smallest republic as
to population, having only 55 men.
women and children. 1t Is ~ miles
from Sardinia.
The smallest horse in the world Is a
Shetland pony owned by the marquis
of Carcano. Its height does not sur
pass % inches.
Goust is the smallest republic as TO
area. which is exactly one mile, The
population numbers $50. 1t is situated
in the Pyrenees.
Tristan d'Acuna In the South At
lantic sends out its mall once a year
10 the outside world; 1t has a popula-
tiou Of Ga persons-1S men, 10 women,
10 boys and II girls.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09
LINCOLN'S ELASTIC PARDON
Let Out Friend for All He Had Dono
''and All That He Ever Would Do"


Senator Mills has a new story about
Lincoln. 1t was told to him by son of
John L. Helm of Kentucky, who lives
in Corsicana.
"Old John L. Helm" said the Senat-
or, was a famous character in Ken
lucky. He was, if l remember rightly,
a Governor of the State, but at any rate
his position was most prominent one.
When the civil war came on Helm was
rabid secessionist. He could not
praise the South too highly and could
not heap enough abuse upon the North.
He was too old to go to the war with
his sons, and remained at home doing
all he could to help the Confederate
cause and harass the Yankees who in
vaded the State. Finally he became
so obstreperous that the Federal Gen
eral who was in command near Helms
home put him in prison. The old mans
age. the high position which he oc-
cupied in the State, his wide connec-
tions, and especially his inability to do
any actual harm, were all pleaded in
his eXtenuation. and he was released.
Instead of profiting by the warning
the old man became more persistent
than ever in his course. Once more
pcned two or three times, and finally
while he was still locked up, the mat
ter was brought to the attention of
the Federal authorities. Even Presi-
dent Lincoln was appealed to. and ask
ed to commit the ardent Southerner to
an indefinite confinement in order that
he might be cUrbed.
"Lincoln listened to the statement
of the case with more than usual inter
est. Then he leaned back and began to
speak with smile upon his face.
You are talking about John Helm?
Well did you know that used to live,
when | was n boy, in Helms town?
He was kind to me. He seemed to
like me as boy, and he never lost an
opportunity to help me. He seemed to
think said Lincoln, with another of
his almost pathetic smiles, that l
would probably make something of a
man. Why, when | went out to H.
linois. poor and unknown, that man
gave me the money to pay my way and
keep me until l got a start. John
Helm? oh, yes, l know him. And
can fix his case
And then" said Senator Mills,
Lincoln went to desk and wrote Il
few words. The bit of writing is treas
ured in the Helm household to this
day. This is what the President wrote:
L hereby pardon John l.. Helms
of Kentucky for all that he has ever
done against the Unitea States and all
that he ever will do.
Abraham Lincoln
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09
The Mother of Lincoln.

On February II. 1909, a robust, hon.
est-hearted woman brought into the
world the baby who became, as some
Americans think, the ideal man of
America-Abraham Lincoln.
She was Nancy Hanks Lincoln.
She bore and reared the child who,
partaking of her nature and learning
of her grew into the typical American
citizen, the hater of shams, the freer
of slaves, the brother and lover of the
people.
OF course no monument is ever rails
ed to Lincoln that is not, by implica-
ton, a monument to Nancy Hanks.
There is no bronze or marble for him
that is not for her also
But do you know what her only in
dividual memorial is? 1t is Nancy
Hanks, trotter-the Chicago mare that
trotted a mile in two minutes and foux
seconds.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09
Lew waIIace's Lincoln story.

General Lew Wallace speaking of the
great Emancipator says
Il will tell you of an incident which
| have never before made public.
do not know that it is proper, but the
man whom it is about is gone and |
will relate it. | had an engagement
with Lincoln to call at the White House
and present two ladies who desired TO
meet him. The time set for the call
was ii Il. m. AT the appointed hour |
presented myself, i'll company with the
ladies. AS | was ushered in l saw at
the farther end of the long room the
tall form of Lincoln leaning against 4
window. He waved his hand. indicat-
ing that | was to take the ladies to a
sofa, and then by another wave of the
hand he motioned for me to come to
him. My heart filed with sympathy
for him, for | knew something was
wrong. There We're deep lines of suf-
fering about the face, the features We're
drawn and pinched. His hair was thin
and uncombed. He was naturally
somewhat stoop- p-shouldered, but seem
ed to be especially 50 on this occasion.
If l We're to live a thousand years
| would not forget the anguish of the
expression of his face. i said:
Mr. Lincoln. l hope you are not
sick
He replied: mo, | am not sick
81 said: You look sad Something
terrible must have happened
He made no reply. but calling a SER
want he asked how long it would be
until the boat left the wharf for Har-
rison's Landing. The answer was: in
thirty minutes Then, turning to me,
Lincoln said in an undertone, and the
sadness of his face deepcned as he said
it: Il must go on that boat to Har-
rison's Landing on the James River
"' What forY ! asked, in surprise.
His voice dropped to Il whisper as
he replied: L must go to Harrisons
Landing to keep Mcclellan from sur
rendering the army
"It was after the seven days battle
and the leader of the great army was
retreating before the confederates.
AT this point | introduced the ladies
and retired. In thirty minutes Lincoln
was on board the boat speeding away
on his journey. The next l heard OF
him was at Harrison's Landing and the
Union army was not surrendered.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09

Il have story on Abraham Lincoln
which has never been printed" said
United States Judge G. G.. Foster. In
the winter of 1S59-60 Lincoln visited
Kansas, making speeches at Troy and
Atchison. At Atchison he put up ut
the old MassasOit House. which every
old-time politician will remember
Gen. Stringfellow, John y. Martin,
Tom Murphy and / called upon Mr..
Lincoln at the hotel. In the course OF
the conversation Lincoln turned to
Stringfelow, who was pro,slayery
advocate, and said
&" Gen, StringfellOw. you pro slavery
fellows gave as one reason why slavery
should not be prohibited in Kansas
that only the negro could break mp the
tough prairie sod. Now. I've broken
hundreds of acres of prairie sod in my
time and the enly question which re-
mains to he decided is whether | am a
white man or a niggcr.'
Gen. StrinEfeliow admitted the force
of the argument, and congratulated Mr..
Lincoln upon his pointed, logical way
OF putting things"
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09

In the broad, commOn-sense way IN
which he did small things he was
larger than any situation in which life
had placed him. Europe did not know
him. To the south and not a few in
the northern states he was an uncouth
Jester, an ambitious upstart "A reckless
disturber. The son of the cavalier, the
man who felt him to be Il stain, de-
Spised this son of the people, this child
of toll. He was distinguished from the
abolition leaders by the fairness and
kindness with which he judged the
south and the Shareholders. He was
opposed 10 human slavery, not because
some masters were cruel. but because
"all men" included the black man.
Liberty is the law of nature. The hui
man enactment cannot pass the limits
of the state; Gods law embraces crea-
tion.
Mr.. Lincoln had faith in time, and
time has justified his faith. If the pan
Drama of the years from 81 I, 90
could have been unrolled before the
eyes OF his countrymcn, would they
have said-wOuld he have sad-that
he was adequate for the great occas-
ion? And yet. as we look back over
the story of the civil war, he is re-
vealed to us standing above all men of
that epoch in bis capacity and adapta-
ton to the duties of the presidency
Mr.. Lincoln loved the plain people. -
out of whose ranks he came; but not
with a class love. He never pandCred
to ignorance or sought applause by ap-
peals to prejudice. The equality of
men in rights and burdens, Justice to
all, a government by all the people, for
all the people, was his thought-no
| favoritism in enactment or administra-
tlon-the general gcod. He had the
love of the masses, and he won it fair
| ly; not by art or trick. He could, there.
fore. admonish and restrain with
authority. Would there We're more
such. There is greet need of men now
who can be heard both in the directors
meeting and in the labor assembly.
Qualities of heart and mind combined
to make a man who has won the love
of mankind. He is beloved He stands
like "A great lighthouse to show the
way of duty to all his countrylnen anC
to send afar beam of courage to those
who beat against the winds. We dc
him reverence. We bless the memory
of Lincoln.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09
DEMOCRACY
STILL FIRM
The Democrat Members Stand Like
a Wall Against Corruption.
GREAT BATTLE AT THE CAPITAL.
National Committeeman Gufrey Has
His Forces Splendidly in Hand-Ef-
forts of Republican Quay Bosses to
Break the Line Futile
Especial Correspondence.)

Break the Line Futile
Especial Correspondence.)
Harrisburg, Feb. 6.-The deadlock
still continues. So far as the senatorial
election is concerned the Democrats in
house and senate occupy the same po-
stion that they did before. viz. holding
the key to the situation. The present
unbroken line of the Democracy, sturdy
and firm in its allegiance to the peo-
pie, is largely due to the efforts of that
''noblest Roman of them ALL" National
Committeeman James M. Guffey, of
Pittsburg. Colonel Guffey left his great
business enterprises last week and
came to Harrisburg to take personal
direction of his forces. He saw every
man in house and senate and discussed
the situation with him face to face.
The result is that the lines of the
Democrats are stronger today than
they have been at any time.
Next in Importance to the senatorial
situation is the position of the Nc
Carrell bill, as 1t is called. This
measure prohibits district attorneys
from setting aside jurors in criminal
cases, and was introduced solely in the
interests of Senator Quay. If the bill
passes it will prevent the district at
aside jurors, as has been the case in all
English speaking countries for 700
years.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09
Lincoln as n LAWYER.

Speaking of Mr. Lincoln's methods
in the court room and. in jury trials, a
writer says: "Lincoln's tact was re-
markable. He carefully studied and
thought out the best way of saying
everything, as well as the substance OF
what he should say. This was espec.
tally true in jury trials. Sometimes he
seemed to take delight in expressly
conceding 10 his opponent every propo.
sition and fact which his own client or
the spectators thought to be in his
favor, and then to the surprise of all
taking some unexpected but firm posi-.
tion which controlled and won the case.
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09
Iincoln's "Selfishness. {"

Mr.. Lincoln once remarked to a fel-
low passenger on the old time mud
wagon coach, on the corduroy road
which antedated railroads, that all men
were prompted by selfishness in doing
good or evil. His fellow passenger
was antagonizing this position when
they We're passing over corduroy
bridge that spanned a slough AS they
crossed this bridge and the mud wagon
was shaking like Sucker with chills.
they espied an old razor backed sow
on the bank of the slough making a
terrible noise because her pigs had got
into the slough and were unable to get
out, and in danger of drowning. As
the old coach began to climb the hill
side Mr.. Lincoln called out, "Driver,
can't you stop just moment?" The
driver replied, IF the other Teller dom
object" The "other fellow''-who was
no less n parsonage than at that time
Colonel" e. ID. Baker, the gallant gen
eral who gave his life in defense of Old
Glory at Balls Bluff-did not object
when Mr.. Lincoln jumped out, ran
back to the slough, and began to lift
the little pigs out of the mud and water
and place them on the bank. When
he returned Colonel Baker remarked
"Now Abe. where does selfishness come
in on this little episodeY" why bless
your soul, Ed, that was the very es
sence of selfishness. l would have had
no peace of mind all day had gone or
and left that suffering old SOW worry
ing over those pigs. did it to gel
neace of mind. don't YOU seel"
Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1899-02-09
HELPED HIM GET HIS PAY.
President Lincoln's Kindness to . Tired
and Loss Soldier.

and Loss Soldier.
One day President Lincoln had been
at the office of the Secretary of War,
and was traversing the long halls at
the War and Navy buildings, sedate,
unassuming and unattended, when he
met worn soldier, in tattered uni
form of blue, evidently at loss among
the many doors along the corridor
For a moment he watched the man
as he wandered uncertainty from point
to point, and then accosted him.
My good man, whom do you wish
to see?"
The soldier looked at his questioner
ana, noting the kindly interest in his
face, replied that he was Just from the
army of the Potomac, having been dis
charged the day before, upon the ex-
piration of his three year term of serv-
Ice. that he wished to 90 to his home
in Vermont, but that he had been
obliged to stop in Washington to get
the money that was due him, as the
regimental paymaster had given him
an order for the money, payable in
Washington. For hours he had been
wandering about the city and the pub
lie buildings, looking for the officer to
whom his order was directed, but as
yet he had been unable to find him.
He had been told that the paymaster
The Presidents face beamed He
general was in this building, and he
was now looking for his office.
knew that the paymaster general was
not the person who actually paid the
individual soldier, and he did not know
where the proper officer was to be
found but he did know that through
his assistance this bronzed and ragged
private, who eXemplified the great self
sacrificing loyalty of the nation, could
be paid. and taking blank card from
his pocket, he held it against the wall
and with a short pencil wrote upon it
as follows:
This poor soldier is in distress be-
cause he can get no pay. VIII pay
master general please have him put
on the right track to get his pay.
NOV, 9th, 1864. A. Lincoln"
Handing this message to the veteran,
he directed him where to find the office
Of the paymaster general and instruct
ed him to present the card at the
door,
1t is unnecessary to state that the
soldier promptly obtained his pay and
left the capital for his Green mountain
home.