Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-02
NOT MUCH MAYFLOWER.

Fourth of July orators always ring
in the Mayflower and her band OF Pill
grims. We shall scarcely refer to
them. If they'd been the right sort of
men they'd have kicked up row at
home and kept whooping till they had
their choice of seven kinds of religion,
and as near as we can make out none
of 'em had anything to do with Fourth
of July We may refer to Plymouth
Rock and two or three of the Pilgrims,
but shall not break suspender in do
ing it. From our point of view the
claim has never been worth working.
JUMPING THE CROWD.
We have read 16 different descrip-
lions of the Battle of Bunker Hill. We
have four different maps of the ground.
In imagination we have stood on the
brow of the hill and watched the red
coats form and march to the assault.
In our dreams we have had musket
in hand and popped over seven of them
as they came on. We have taken Bun
ker Hill with our breakfast, dinner and
supper, and we have got it down pat.
We propose to do little word-paint-
ing which will be remembered long af-
ter we have departed from earth. We
shall start in rather softly and lead up,
and inside of three minutes the crowd
will begin to thrill. The next sensation
will be ohills and goose-fiesh, and when
we reach that point where the red
coats are driven back the first time
We'll bet mule against wood chuck
that we jump the crowd out of its boots.
Any one troubled with heart disease
will do well to retire from the grounds
until after we have finished with Bun
ker Hill. We have arranged with a
photographer TO take snapshots at us
as we tell the story of the battle, and
later on the pictures will be on exhibi-
ton in front of the postofice
SOME DRAMATIC EFFECTS.
While we do not wish to overshadow
everything and everybody on this glor
ious occasion, we propose to let it be
known that we are in town and full of
business. When the Declaration of In
dependence had been signed the Bell Of
Liberty pealed forth. We have bought
a bell and shall have it hung on the
platform. A paper supposed to be the
Declaration will lie before us. At the
proper moment we shall seize a goose
quill pen and sign that paper with a
grand flourish, and then turn and ring
the bell. 1t will not only be an object
lesson, but the dramatic effect will have
more influence on the crowd than a
CARLOAD of histories. If men don't
cheer and women don't faint away we
shall be disappointed individual
A VIVID PICTURE.
Next to Bunker Hill and the Declar-
alton we shall throw what is left of our
patriotic soul into description of
Washington crossing the Delaware.
Yesterday we rode out into the woods
and turned ourself loose on the subject
and We hope we may not be considered
egotistical when we say that we hadn't
got Washington half way across the
river when we were sweating under
our collar and our hair standing on
end. In beginning our description we
drop into pathos, and it is such heart
felt Dathos that we find tears in our
eyes and our Adams apple swelling up
like toy balloon. It's ten to one that
we have strong men sobbing like child
rem. Then the scene swiftly changes
We drop the pathetic for the descrip-