Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-05-07
(fe 19-Su. W&F&weow)

BY and by. after she had hustled. and
vheezed. and snorted and brushed around
for a little while. she snapped out: well,
give It TO me, let me see 1T; of course IT'S
story, but l suppose | ought to read it,
The newspaper article was as follows:
LONDON. April 29.-Society is properly
shocked. but properly polite in express
ing an opinion about the discovery that
the queen regards cigarette-smoking by
women and by one Of her own daughters
with complaisance, if not with positive
favor
zone Of her Majesty's daughters left a
cigarette-case i'm the waiirg-room Of the
railroad station at Windsor cay or two
ago. and when an official found it. and
discovered the name Of the Princess en-
gravei on it's beautifully-c hased side,
with the words From Her Mother be-
meath, his British impcrturbability was
Upset altogether. The news spread rapid
ly. and lost nothing in the telling.
"ln all the London clubs last night men
were talking about the cigarette habit Of
a princess Of the royal blood"
When she had scowled at the paper for
long time, and had worked herself up
10 that degree Of persp,ra.ion which MADE
her face look like an Aloine landscape
traversed by mountain cascades, She said:
"Shucks. that's just like you All the
schools in the world couldn't chisel any
sense in your head. OF course, the arti-
Gle is true. The daughter referred 10 Is
doubtless Beatrice Mary Victoria FeO-
dora She always was a delicate child.
and when teethng she used to suffer lots
from bronchitis. Those cigarettes she's
smoking are what they call medcated
cigarettes: they're splendid for bronchitis.
It's just ike her ma TO think about her
and look after her. Why. OF course. Nir-
toria encourages her To smoke them.
You've got so little OF the fatherly in
stincts in you that you'd let your chill
dren die before you'd ever bcstir yourself
TO think of such a thing"
Now | was mad as a hornet az the way
that woman had thrown me down and at
her arrogance of manner. In fact. ] was
i'm an ugly temper, and not caring what
said, l ripped out: "Medicated cigarettes.
the dckance First think you know, wo-
man. the queen will be sending over here
for mild Burley chewing tobacco, or navy
plug to give her girls and then, after
that Wen hear about the Queen of Spain
hitting a corncob pipe and the Czarina
dipping SNUFF. Medicated cigarettes. the
cats foot; I'll knock some OF these medi-
Gated ashes from this pipe on your old
moth-eaten carpet; that's what I'll dor
We did not speak at dinner that day.
The man who can write n short for
mula that will serve as a sufficiently COM
prehensiye advertisement for a cook has
a fortune waiting TO bounce itself in his
lap. BY an advertisement for a cook
mean one of those want notices" which
your wife invariably reads when she
picks up the paper. and that, too whether
she wants anything 80 not.
About once a month chat being the
longest period we ever retain a cook |
am aroused at midnight and hustled
down TO the newspaper offices 10 get in
an advertisement for a darby Now, this
particular style of literature requires a
terse, vigorous style Of English, which is
very difficult TO acquire, and worst of all,
experience doesn't teach you anything
about il. The more cooks you deal with
the more you appreciate the difficulties
Of your task and realize the burden OF
responsibility upon you.
Years ago, when ! was young. unso-
phisticated, and unintimidated-to-w wit.
when l had only been married three
months-I wrote my first advertisement
Tor cook. And at that time. being
fresh from college. ! thought myself a
master of all composition, but now il is
as much as | can DO to master my own
decomposition. On reaching the newspa-
per office / quickly dashed off the notices
indeed. l wrote it so quickly that | felt
like an editor. All ] said was:
Wanted, a cook, washer, and ironer
for family of two there were only two
of us then, though / have since had TO
alter the figures. Must como we'll frcom-
mended. Apply at 2Oli ScunletoYn road. -
When the woman who, after all is the
guiding star in our kitchen. heard what
1 had written, she. was very seornful
She persisted the advertisement should
have said. in addition TO the foregoing
that none with encumbrances need ap-
ply"
.fIpe month having elasped and the cul-
mary genius having by this time proved
herself utterly inefficient in all things
save in smashing crockery and i'm re-
ceiVing company In the kitchen. we next
decided on new line. on this occasion
we determined TO say nothing about ZEN
cumbrances. We changed the lad" by
making the following addition: "A mar
ried woman preferred"
We got one of those old-timev fat sis
tiers, who said her husband ran a truck
farm on the suburbs. She explained that
he didn't treat her Jest right" and that
their marital relations were severed-tbat
Is to say, she was sort of self-appointed
DIVORCE mensa ct toro
AT the expiration OF thirty days this
Airo-American Cinclnnatus left his
plough came to town, and forced his
consort TO quit being in service"
Then, putting our heads together 1--WE
were afiectionate in those days.. we de-
cided 10 try for another unmarried cook
with no membranes.
This time we got a mddle-aged "pus-
son. who repudiated the suggestion of
a matrimonial alliance. She said she
didn't want no menfoks a meddln' of
her, and IN our souls we were exultant.
On the NTH day of our delightful rela-
tonship with this cook. and while we
were az dinner we saw small. beady-
eyed, little yaller gal of 10 bringing I'm our
uishes subsequently we were Informed
mat our new acquisition was the cook s
niece. On the twelfth day of the cooks
tenure of office another beadv-eyed little
gal OF II tripped in. and explained she
was also niece. Then various and sundry
nieces and nephews showed up. and their
resemblance TO their aunt was marvel
ious. When the crop OF collateral kins-
men outgrew the size OF our storeroom
we shipped this 'aunty," and congratu-
lated ourselves that our next advertise
mept would be a clncher.
This time We demanded an unmarried
woman. with no father, mother. sisters
brothers. husbands q use the plural be-
cause there's no understanding cooks,
sons daughters, or relatives.
The 'ooman" who came appeared to be
an absolute outcast, so far as her race
was concerned She cooked wafiies TO beat
the band. and even slept on the premises.
This earth was too good for her; II was