The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1899-02-11

Spouse to your very earnest and sisnifi-
can't welcome. My total wealth is now
represented by one five-cent piece.
commonly called a nickel, and four one
cent pieces, sometimes improperly
designated as pennies. walked home,
rather than waste any part of my es.
tate on car fare. having it in mind that
If missed you would at least retain
enough Of the legal tender to buy what
ever you can get for nickel. AZ for
the other four cents, suppose there
are places at which one may obtain four
cents worth Of food, but I maintain
that no gentleman will split q nickel
In ordering his dinner.
Mac-That's right. Besides, four
cents worth Of quail wouldn't 90 very
far.
Barney-Am I to understand that
both of you are entirely bankrupt?
Jim-We have II cents between US.
Mac-My colleague is most consid-
crate. The fact is that he has the II.
+: Barney-Then we have total of 20
cents. That might do if there were
only two Of us.
Mac-Oh, don't mind me! Go on and
stuff yourselves. I'll stay here and
perish.
JIM give fair warning that am
In no condition to be satisfied with
repast costing six and two-third cents.
Besides, just imagine three gentlemen
OF our standing going into restaurant
and ordering, in the aggregate, 20 cents
worth of food-say, a sandwich, two
pieces of pie and cup of coffee. How
could you divide that up among three?
Mac speak for the sandwich and
coffee.
Jim-Unfortunately, we left the
Alameda restaurant, managed by Mrs.
Hopkins. four days ago because of the
diminishing circumference of the buck.
wheat cakes. More unfortunate still,
we made melodramatic exit and told
Mrs. Hopkins that we would never re-
turn, hence 1t would be humiliaing,
not to say injudicious, to approach Mrs.
Hopkins at this time for the purpose of
obtaining credit. AS for the new place,
! cannot believe that we have sufficient
standing after only four days of patron
age. Gentlemen, cit is a condition
which confronts US and not theory"
Barney-Hear! Hear!
Jim-We must and shall eat!
Barney-Applause and shouts of
"that's right"
Jim-ln order that we may eat, we
must first get some ready money. I
take it that we caunot command credit,
either individually OF collectively.
hn, 10
will tell you. We must pawn some
thing.
Barney-Pawn the lounge.
Jim-The lounge is not our property,
and we will be honest, even in our ex.
tremity. I have asked the question:
"What shall we pawn?" and now will
answer that question. We will pawn
Macs watch. All these in favor say
"aye." Aye!!
Barncy-Aye!
Jim-Those opposed will signify the
same by saying "no."
Mac-No!
Jim-The "ayes" seem to have it.
Tho "ayes" have it. We will pawn
Macs watch. For how much?
Mac-Not too much. want to see it
again some time.
Barney-Don't be afraid. You WON'T
get very much on It,
Mac-1t hasn't been running for .
week.
" Jim-Well, wind it up and set it and
then give 1t good hard shake just be-,
fore you 60 into the place, so US to
keep 1t going until you get the money.
Mac-Gentlemen, object to the ar
rangement. 1 am willing to provide
the watch, but would be deeply hurt
IN my pride il I had to go into pawn
shop and conduct the negotiations.
Barney will have to do that part of it.
Barney-I'm rather proud, too.
Jim-1ou will pocket that pride and
hypothecate the watch or you simply
do not eat. Wen go with you as far
as the door and look at the diamonds
in the window until you come out. You
can't expect Mac to provide the watch
and do all the work, too. lie has the
only watch which would be accepted
by discriminating pawnbroker, and
when he gives up that watch in order
to bring the greatest good to the great
est number, what more could you ex-
pect?
Barncy-What'sthe matter with your
going in with the watch?
Jim-l'm the one who invented this
scheme. DO not ask me to do both tho
planning and the executing? Besides,
what are your objections to going into
a pawnshop? You haven't any repu-
tation to lose. You've been in town
only about three weeks. It's different
with Mac and me. We've been here o
year. During that time we've been
in society twice. Don't you see that
we're in position to compromise our
selves? Is this your gratitude? We
take you in out of the street and give
you a folding lounge and borrow
pillow for you, and then you, like the
snake warmed on the bosom of the
tender-hcarted gentleman, would sink
your fangs into your bencfactorsl Is
this
Barney-Oh, shut up! I'll pawn the
watch.
So they put on their overcoats and
went forth into the winter twilight
Chicago Daily Record.
Wanted 1t Tcstcd.
A SCOTSMAN went to London for Q
holiday. Walking along one Of the
kn t. l., T..