The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1899-04-09
LOVE IN A DIME MUSEUM.
THE TATTOoED MAN VINO MARRIED
THE 7WO-HEADED Girl.
He Won the Left Head, but tho Right
Loved the Human Ostrich-Troubles That
Arose in Conseaucnce-Unplcnsant Hon
cymoon EpiaodeA-Tho Finhl Rupturc.

The matrimonial ventures OF public men
are not always happy. as the case of my WI
nephew Abner proves" sighed the landlady,
helping the travelling salesman to the last ri
the omelet. "Abner. you know. was the
Tattooed Man in tho dime museum. and he
was considered one Of the most illustrious men
in his profession. He always said illustrated. ,
for he was the wit OF our family and how we
used to laugh and make him say it all over
again when there was company to tea! Poor
hbner!
" He was regular symphony in mixed inks.
was Abner. and as good as a panorama to look
at. Indeed. an intelligent. critical inspection
OF his pictures was an elementary art cduca-
tion, which was mentioned on the show bills. |
rerolicct. Among other things he had n picture
of George Washington crossing the Delaware
on his chest. No. Mr.. Grips. the General was
not crossing on his chest. l refer to Abner's
anatomy. And he could wrinkle up his skin in
such a way as to produce an atmospheric effect
equal and similar to that which distinguishes
Corot's best landscapes. which was also men
toned on the bills.
But Abner fell in love. and, alas! he loved
not wisely, but too much. for the object Of his
affections was the Two-Headed Girl who sat
next to him on tho platform in the dime mu-
scum. With the left head OF tho Two-Headed
Girl he often passed tho time OF day. and was
delighted to find that 1t received his attentions
with anything hut displeasure. SO he fell des-
~rerately in love with her and she with him ;
that is. the left head did The Wild Man OF
Borneo and the Armlcss Wonder. who did por-
traits. shook hands and wrote poetry with his
toes. were great friends OF Abner's. and they
used to tease him considerably about his fond
ness for the Two-Headed Girl.
Don't think OF marrying her. advised
tlLN tN.Il N.,. - -.,-- Al
most scholarly gentlemen in professional life.
so Abncr told me. Believe me. she loves you
only for your pictures
"'She is not the wife for a man OF your rec
titudc,' said the Armless Wonder. L do not
like to cast slurs on any lady's name. but it Is
plain I" be seen she is leading a double life
carefully considering all things he concluded
70 press his suit. SO one night. when the left
head had been induced by him 70 confess
ana inclined particularly to the impression
istic school to which Abner adhered. he up and
proposed right there on the platform.
"1h" lett head promptly murmured a shy
yes, but the right head as promptly eJacu-
Iwh" was clad almost. exclusively in pictures
with Il naughty look. for. to tell the truth. the
tlEht head was IN love with the Human oT-
clcS Of hardware for the entertainment and in
strHction Of ths audience, The right head was
and used t. send the Human Ostrich fancy
boxes OF mixed nails and assorted fragments
lar, performances. After declining Abncr the
right head agl "aIed to the lunar Ostrich, and
" course, the left head remained loyal to
Ahnrr aud declined the Human OSTRICH most
reremptnrily. Thus things amatory were at
Now. Amer was a determined man. and so
was, the Human ostrich. Neither would
sprnng up between them. A6nercaiicd tn" Hm-
man. Ostrich a pubic dump. and the Human
Ostrich rctaliated by ,%alludInG TO Amer rs =;
sunday Suppleuent OF Il yellow journal. Each
Of thu, Two; Headed Girls, heads remained
faithful TO the man of its choice. and neither
taken by, the ..lbino Boy. the Gutta- Percha
Man. the What -ls-lt. the, Living skeleton. tho
Latlsopian Giant. the pjg-Taced Lady, III"
aud gentlemen, connected with the dime
Wus"gm io and the c2 m, w siTsd 4pace
interfere. As he was a man Of resources. h"
determined to turn the rivalry to profitable ar-
rehearsal called Ahner. the Human OSTRICH
and the Two-Hcadet Girl into his private o.
flee for a confidential discussion Of the dis
t" Gentlemen, said he to Ahner and the Hu-
Han "i' firI. and ND" it GG nnp %amso to m Es i'm an pes TTG,
You shall become her husband. Now. where
Is tins matter gong to end >
."Anner and the Human Ostrich replied that
they did not know and that both ofthom werc
determined not to withdraw from tho contest,
YOU all aGrc" to allow the public 10 decide the
r"ntrnvrrsry by vote? ! will put = ballot box
III the centre Of the amusement hail and permit
each spectator to east Il vote thc spectator
paving ilve cents for that privilege Tor which
rciving moro votes than the other shall he de-
r,Ihrrd ne winner and shall marry the Two;
Headed Girl. receiving from me 10 per cent. Of
the. y~otr-m"nry asa wedding present, Is this
satisfactory TO all con"crneI:'
We'll; it did s""m a fairly acceptable solu-
ton 81 III" problem. so all three agreed to abide
by the decision. of tn" public. Next day III"
N}ting hogan. the manager having extensively
candidates began to elcctionrer. The human
Ostrich. wn1 was something 81 a Politician
went around to his friends in the hardware
and glassware hnsin"s-. urst9g them To. vote
as as'"iff he Would win. YB"nt,' Amer oo was
lMSt as smart. and resource'ul as he.
on in the city at the time of the contest. and
Ahn"r obtained permission 10 address the
ion In nn"of MS dicrcs.ions he to'd tho DEL
gates. in II frank; Ingenious way. all about the
,%mtr9y"r-y, and made 20 ELOQUENT apne"l to
h"Idtnc cause Of art by voting for him. Th"y
zane in II body. voted early and often (which
brother. the, Tammanv statesman, say is tho
true secret OF %politira! success and an evidence
Of real patriotism. with tn" result that Abner
o. 1ha T 2Md T"s1s m"r Tir1 the Ths iolhIG HM Meek
killed the Human Ostrich. In TACT. he actually
did attempt to make away with himself by
means Of an overdose OF dOorknObs. but was
saved hy the managers prompt recourse to a
plumber.
found himself confronted by a most uneNpected
difficulty, TIL" lett head OF the Two-Headod
Girl. which. was oycrjoycd at ;Abner's triumph.
was n Baptist. and Insisted that the marriage
should be sol"mniZed 10y "A minister of that de-
nomination; The right head; which was. cor
resp0ndingly unhappy at the defeat OF the
Human ostrich. inclined I othe Episcopal faith.
and stuhhOrnly refused to be married in n Ban
tist church. Abnrr. who was a strict Lutheran,
was opposed TO both Baptist and Episcopal
churches. SO II was necessary to compromise
all around and avail themselves OF the services
of n Presbyterian minister. Then followed the
sahdcSt wears of Abn"rs career.
THE first week Of the honeymoon Abncr
had planned to spend in Boston. but the left
head dcmurrcd, Cincinnati was its choice.
The right head declared that il was set on go.
ing to Chicago and fatty refused to visit
either Boston or Cincinnati. Again II became
necessary to comhrnmise; and the week was
sion rose as TO which hotel offered the most de-
sirable quarters. Abner and the left head said
this one was the best. The right head said
that one was prc-"minently superior. SO in the
end they wound up by going To n third hotel.
which was Inferior in every way. in order TO re-