Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-12-31
less: like myself. they must rely exclu-
siyely on their winning ways.

less: Ike myself. they must rely exclu-
siyely on their winning ways.
IL IL no use for preachers. evangelists'
| or cussiiig people 10 threaten me win
| fiery punishments. They can't intimidate
q saiamander like myself with any such
popycock It's the cold weather that
freezes my blood and gives me the
/ croeps--tbe biting, gnawing penetrating
| cold that permeates all things and daupS
| the noses OF humankind with burning,
! flaming red. II crepf I'm last Friday-tnls
! frosty dernon-through half-inch crack
] In the window pane. whistled denant
! challenge at the aperture. scattered u
self throughout my office. and forthwith
nipped me on the smeller. Since then 1
have shifted. and snorted, and fnarled,
and spat until the very air is resonant
with the sound of my unhappiness.
Chapped, bleeding hands, whose assures
beckon to all the dirt in Christendom,
have followed, and my rubicund complex
ion. now worse than turkey gobbler's.
is scaling and peeling. But my nose, my
weary. ever present, self-acting. blood
red nose what can | do to console II?
IL Is struggling for wind like a lost soul
IN space, and fam would breathe the ar
Of liberty. At night Il becomes hermeu-
cally sealed. and refuses TO be comforteu,
while the IMAM behind the gun" can only
suffer and be- patient. Are there no
remedles-is there no solace In this hour
Of nasal darkness? Are there not other
smiling, snoring, satanic noses equally
sad and equally sorrCwful? Aye there're
millions Of them, and every mortal in our
state is following one. but unfortunately
each sufferer wants somebody else 10
take his remedy. Many men may be !g-
norant Of literature, art, music, science,
politics. or business. but where, on.
where. Is -',e person, who does not feel
himself co~CAnt to prescribe for ms
brothers cold. Where, / say, is the wo-
man. who does not guarantee that she
can remove the carmine from your ole
factory organ, although her own smeher
is pecling like a crimson onion? It's NUT
ton-suet for this nose, and vaseline Tor
that. It's gycer!ne and rose-water Tor
Mary's snOut, and camphor-ice for Lulu
smeller It's Cuticura for Ephriam, ana
salve for Hank; it's hot whiskey punch
FOR your pa (Which he's always willing TO
give q triaD. and warm brick for ma.
Its medicated, scratchy flannel for the
children. and a lard and turpentine plas-
ter for the defenceless baby. It's quinine
capsules for Aunt 500, and steamed lem
onade for Uncle Josh-its something Tor
everybody. or at least everybody else Dut
yourself. though you're not willing TO
try your own doses.
And thus the world ways while accursed
winter holds sway though not one man III
a thousand will confess that he hates
the ice-rlbbed season. ITS line and
bracing," says the mendacious fiend, as
he rubs his face with handkerchief
frozen hard enough TO serve for slung-
shot. You hate him for the falsehood, as
YOU drag your chiiblained feet along, but
rejoice when you see him sneak into
plumbers shop. That means frozen-pipes
OF his house--no hot water and all the
family washing cut of one bowl.
The next self-heating demon swears'
'ft's seasonable weather" as he blows
his frost-bltten fingers and stamps his
benumbed feet. He insists you should Stir
around, keep fresh air in your room at
night. and all that, but If you observe
him you see vino gets the best seat by
the fire.
Don't talk to ne about cruel, merciless,
hoary winter with it's insidious imps of
cold and ccrements of snow; its~stilettos
Of ice and fangs Of biting wind. 1t is
the evil genius Of the poor; the arch-ene-
my OF noses. and the scourge Of COM
plexions. Ayaunt, you horrid noxious
demon, You give me cold feet.