davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21

81 tell you what it is said the man with
tired, dropping eyes and a scrubby fringe
of fur around his overcoat, "humor amt
what it used to be- Back in the days when
1 used to write the real stuff for the
Whangville Monitor-never heard of the
Monitor? Why, it was the sensation of the
day. 1 couldn't go to minstrel show or
pick up a book without seeing some of the
good things had had in the Monitor
changed, of course, but 1 could recognize
EN-"
t'You think humor has degenerated since
them" inquired his auditor, whose interest
seemed rather slight.
81 should say so. 1 don't see any of the
good, old-fashioned, out-and-out fun that
used to delight me. Where is that joke
about the mother-in-law? 1t has drfted
from the scene. Like the giants of oratory
and craftsmanship and acting, it is no
more The way they used to get up things
to hurt the feelings of mOthers-in-law and
show EN- they had right to say a word
if man chose to stay out all night and
come home intoxicated and tumble around
the keyhole did my heart good. That all
ways used to make me laugh; the way they
would depict a man in a state of total in
ebriety fumbling at the keyhole, with his
mother-in-law and wife inside, wondering
whether it would be safe to let him in or
not"
I'VE don't see as much of that sort of
humor as we used to- assented his friend.
mo. They seem to have lost the knack
The spirit of the age is iconoclastic. The
tendency is to slight the old classics; even
to sneer at them, and think that things
pretty near good are being produced.
There was the young man who went trem-
bling into the old mans study to ask him
for his daughters hand. What has become
of him? The way the old party would take
him by the ear, lead him out to the front
door and kick him clear out to the curb
stone-he always lit on the curbstone-used
to tickle me nearly to death. have laugh
ed for hours as 1 thought of him lying there
with his best clothes spoiled, waiting for
somebody to come along and send for the
hospital ambulance"
Hes not very much in evidence, that's a
fact was the reply.
Then there was the little boy who ate
things which didn't agree with him-green
apples, usually-and went to join the angels
That used to keep me in roars. The idea
of that little boy-well, there's no use of
trying to describe it. It's too funny to talk
about. And the servant girl who blew her
self into atoms trying to light the fire with
kerosene, and a lot more Of them, have
about disappeared. Once in a while they
try to flicker to the front, but they amt
what they were when L was writing the
real stuff for the Whangville Monitor
Those were the palmy days of humor, and
1 have my doubts if We'll ever see anything
like 'em again"
And he heaved long, long sigh.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21

friend. quizzically, that you prescrib,
spiritus frumenti for about every ailment
that flesh is heir to-"
Il shouldn't be surprised if il amounted
to about that" was the answer. Il have
been criticised for so doing, and l am
aware that there are people who can't take
it for purely medicinal purposes as l do,
and who, therefore, ought 20 let Il alone
entirely. But l long ago acquired the inn
preston that il is a great curative agent.
And my ideas on that point were fortified
by my conversion to the germ theory.
There's what makes the whole trouble
germs. We are attacked on every hand,
waking and sleeping, from the ambush and
in the open, by microbes"
But you don't contend that whisky is
good for all kinds of microbes?"
Certainly not. But the microbes make
the same mistake that some people do and
think it's good for them. You take a GUAM
tlty OF 1t into your system and put Ii into
the way of the microbe and he Yields TO
temptation. 1t changes his entire nature and
he quits tending to business. The first
thing he knows he's a total wreck and YOU
have the satisfaction of knowing that all
you have to do to put a stop to his ma
lclous career Is to keep him supplied with
the means of drinking himself to death. I
nope, sir, that you don't think for a mo-
ment that use any alcoholic beverage as a
matter of personal qualification. Nor, en-
the other hand, would l wish you to regard
me as a person of cruel instincts But
scientific revelations have convinced me
that Kindness is wasted on q microba and
II he refuses to fee from temptation and
gets delirium tremens, it serves him right.
SIR"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
Injurious Fungi.
From Meehan's Monthly.

troin Meenan Monthly.
Those who have made a study of the
lower orders of the vegetable kingdom
tell us that of the large group of mush-
rooms, which includes a multitude of spe-
cies, only very few are poisonous. Unfor-
tunately, ignorance of this class of vege-
tables is SO profound that few are able to
distinguish one species from another, and
hence We make use of the one species with
which We so familiar, and in some
cases with the common puff ball. The
fact remains, however. that very large
majority are beneficial to mankind.
This is true also of the more minute
classes of the vegetable kingdom known
as bacteria. There seems to be no end to
the number of species which those who
make study of them are constantly dis
covering and naming; and yet it is as true
OF this class as among the mushrooms
that only a very small percentage are in
furious. while vast majority are beneficial
to mankind. II is amusing. if the results
were not so serious, to read the accounts
in daily papers and magazines which
should know better. as to the awful light
in which we should look at these minute
organisms The very name bacterium is
used to frighten people into all sorts of
expensive and useless measures. To read
as we all do almost daiy-of the evil doings
of bacteria. one may feel a surprise that
there is a living being on the earth
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
QUEER FRIENDSHIPS.
Different Animals That Get Along
Very We'll With Each Other.

An intimate connection subsisting between
different animals is known as commensal-
ism, commensals being creatures which may
be said to sit at the same table, but which
do not prey upon one another. OF late
years naturalists have become acquainted
with numerous examples of this form of
animal partnership. In one of the Chicken
Islands, off the New Zealand coast, a curl
Gus lizard known as the tuatara and GER
tain species of the petrels were found in
habiting the same burrows, apparently on
the best of terms. In rare cases the bur-
row, which consists of passage two or
three feet long, ending in a chamber a foot
and a half long, one foot broad and six
inches high, is the work of the bird. As a
rule, however, the lizard is the excavator.
Each builds its nest on opposite sides of the
chamber, the lizard almost invariably choOs-
ing the left and the petrol the right side.
The lizard feeds partly on worms and bee
ties and partly on the remnants of fishes
brought to their common table by the pet
rel, both animals being thus benefited by the
partnership. This is probably more than
can be said of the prairie dog, whose under
ground home is frequently shared by the
rattlesnake and the burrOwing owl These
We're at one time supposed 10 form hap
py family" but considerable doubt has been
cast on the point by the discovery of young
prairie dogs in the stomach of the rattle
snake. which seems to indicate that COM
mensalism in this particular case has been
a one-sided affair, 50 far as the benefits
were concerned.
1t is among marine animals, however, that
the most striking examples of commensal-
ism have been observed. A feeble fish call
ed the remora owes its success in life to the
powerful alliances 1t forms One of its fins
have been transformed into sucker placed
right on top of it's head, by means of which
ii attaches itself firmly to any passing
shark, whale or even ship, no doubt mis-
taking the latter for some huge sea mon
ster BY these 1t is transported without any
eXertion its own part over great dis
tances. meanwhile picking up such food as
may come i'll its way.
Several small fishes have been found. also.
to habitualy lodge in the mouth cavity of
a Brazilian catfish. sharing such food as
the latter succeeds in capturing. The en-
enies of the smaller fishes are so numerous
that it Is only by retreating to places mac
cessihle to their foes that they have a
chance of survival. a favorte shelter for
many small Sshes is the round disk of the
larger sea jellies. the singing properties
of which probably cause them to be avoid
ed by the other denizens of the deep As
many twenty fishes have been counted
swimming within the fringed margin of
one of these pulsating umbrellas The sea
Cucumbers are another lOwly group of ma
rine forms which afford shelter to fishes
Other instances might be given, such as
that of the little pea crab. found in mussels
and other bivalve shells, which in return
for the protection given them by the mall
luocan shell gives its host a share of the
food II captures
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21

From the Cleveland Leader
The recent epidemic of railroad colll-
sions will probably end with the disastrous
wreck on the Lehigh Valley line. Within
the past two or three weeks there have
been no less than a half dozen head colli-
sions on various roads in different parts of
the country, and in nearly every case the
accident has been due to somebody's blum
der. While there has been a general i'm
provement in the methods of operating
steam railways, there is much to be done
apparently. before the public will have
complete confidence in their safety when
they board a railway train
There is only one way in which the
danger Of collisions can be reduced to a
minimum, and that is by adopting the block
system on all lines. When that system Is
In use 1t is impossible unless there is n
fragrant violation Of the rules Of the road
Tor two trains to be on the same section Of
track at the same time. Some of the hest
railroads in the country are now operated
under the positive block system, and mas
sengers on those roads are almost abso-
lutely protected against injury or death in
collisions, and the danger of accidents of ali
kinds is reduced to nothing. Common BUSH
ness prudence ought to suggest TO all rail-
road managers the advisability of AFFORD
ing the greatest possible degree OF safety
to their patrons.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
Als=FHINOS ~@
AHEAPD cso<~ 1IE
ls5 : I&z~V

readily recognizes the value of schools in
that connection, and promptly sent the map
ana charts. In doing so, of. course, 1t
used the penalty envelope, with its legend
penalty for private use, $780, Imagine
the surprise few days after on having
the publications and maps come back.
The mail of the same day brought letter
from the teacher, in which she said: I
thank you for promptly sending the maps
asked for, but the minute / got through
showing them to the pupils of my school,
bundled them up and returned them. We
would have gladly retained them and in
deed, l had intended to do so, but upon
seeing on the label that the penalty for
private use was $780, l saw that we had no
such right. 1 hope 1 did not do wrong IN
showing them to the children This is
about the worst case of misunderstanding
that | have ever heard of, though there
are Others 1 assure you"
* 4 4 x
Il have record of over seven hundred
hotels where I have stopped" volunteered
a well known and popular minstrel per-
former to a Star reporter. (which are scat
tered all over our glorious country from
Maine to the Rio Grande, and it is to be
presumed that I know something of hotel
life after living in them and in hotels alone
nine months out of every year for the past
twenty-five years. Besides the seven hun
dTed and over 1 have a record Of, 1 have
make a record. AT many of the seven hun
dred l have stopped from ten to twenty
times, generally from one to six days each
time. Now, what 1 am getting at is that
those who complain most of hotel life in
this country are those who know the least
about it. During three months of each
year l live at my own home, or at some
friends home. l come in contact with
wanderers, travelling people like myself and
associates, by the thousands, and / hear
what they nave to say about hotels and
hotel life. The professional traveller has
no kick like the amateur or occasional
traveller; he knows enough to know that be
is as a rule better fed at even the second
grade hotels than in the ordinary private
house; that is, he has more to eat if he
desires and a larger selection to choose
from. As far as the room is concerned, the
travelling man only has it TO sleep in, and,
provided the bed is good, he does not care
a rap about the other furniture Or whether
the room is papered or Whitewashed or not,
so that it is clean. In the minstrel business
ballad singer is generally the hardest man
to please, and if we find that he likes a
place it suits all the rest of the company.
My opinion that the hotels feed well goes
with them all, north south, east and west.
Now and then some are specially good. The
difficulty with the so-ca!led poor hotels is
that the eaters are bad-it is not the food.
y poor sleeper likewise makes d very poor
bed The ballad singers say this. and what
they say goes for all it is worth
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
Old Copper Cents.

1t is estimated that there are 199 900. 900
old-style copper pennies somewhere No
body knows what has become of them. ex
cept that once in while single specimen
turns up in change. A few years ago 4,5OO.-
600 bronze two-cent pieces were set afioat.
Three million of them are still outstanding.
but are never seen. A million of three-cent
silver pieces are scattered over the United
States, but 1t is very seldom that one
comes across any of them. OF the SOC, 900
one-haf cent pieces, not one has been re-
turned to the government for coinage or is
held by the treasury.
In New Zealand a species of parrot is
found that finding its food entirely on the
ground, has lost the power of fight. 1t
differs from the rest of Its family only i'm
this particular and in being almost voice
less.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21

git TO bed before o'clock in the mornin' :"
DID you read that almanac you brought
homer asked his wife.
Not much. I've a lot o. work to do. an
L can't afford to be out o. health. When
ever | read symptoms / feel EN-"
You was sayin' that Josar's mind is sot
on England an English ways"
yes"
We'll, don't worry. There's a piece into
the almanac about the time o. day: that
Is to say about the different times o. day
1t Is In different parts o. the world at the
same time. | dunno's / kin explain It ex-
ackly, as | don't understand It myself. But
as near as ] could make out. o'clock in
the mornin' in London is about the same as
y O'Clock In the evenin here. An l think
that gittin' to bed ut q o'clock or fits equiv
aient is dom purity good fur a young man
o Josiars lively temperament"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21


IT'S a dear old-fashioned place,
And the roses love 1t:
Blossoms spilled with lavish grace
Round 1t and above It
Yearly weave a fairy spell
Round the spot so charming,
Up where Jack and Mollie dwell,
Making love and farming.
Nearby runs the road to town;
Trouble takes it straightway;
Never thinks of turning down
Toward their leafy gateway.
Joys from elsewhere made to roam
By dull melancholy
Stop and make themselves at homo
There with Jack and Mollie.
Mollie stops her work to laugh,
Jack stops his to listen.
Sunbeams are not bright by half
As her eyes that glisten.
If a fond thought whispers low,
Loving lips will drop it.
They are old enough to know
Better than to stop it.
1t is sweet, when life seems cold
And the world is lonely,
Such a picture to behold,
Though in day dreams only.
Laughing at the care that kills,
Safe from folly's harming,
Jack and Mollie mid the hills,
Making love and farming.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
ExuecfatiOuS.

1t used to be Christmas we looked for,
Or birthdays or Fourth of July
That our fondest enjoyments were booked
for.
But now that the years have passed by.
Lies promise more family is cleaning
Afar in the golden haze
OF the future. We're scheming and dream
ing
Ger nothing but "ore-o'- these-days."
Somewhere in the calendar hidden
1t waits, with its treasures so rare,
To visit the dreamer unbidden
And Danish the specters of care.
And it lightens the burden of sorrow,
AS we look on the suns fading rays,
And remember that maybe tomorrow
Will turn out to be "one-o -these-days."
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
A Mothers Mathematics.

81 Dunno said Farmer Corntossel
thoughtfully And after an interval of sew
eral seconds he repeated in a tone of still
greater perplexity, Il dunno"
whats the matter?'' asked his wife.
1--WE been wonderin if mebbe we haven't
been encouragin' Josiar little too much in
gittin' his ideas set away from home. j
like to see him branchin' out; but he's got
SO he don't care about anythin' that amt
English
Let the boy be. There amt no use fur
him to pin hisself down. We amt like most
farm folks you read about. I'll bet that If
there was any mortgage on the farm he'd
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
The Oldest Clock.

The Oldest clocks of American manufac-
ture were made by Gideon Roberts of Bris-
toll, Conn. According to the best author
tiles, no clocks were manufactured in what
are now the United States prior to 1900, at
which time Mr.. Roberts first placed his
timepieces on the market. His clocks were
made with the greatest care, and much time
was spent in perfecting them. They were
all of the style commonly known as ''halr'
clocks. about six feet in height handsomely
finished and recognized separate piece of
furniture in which the owner always took
great pride.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21

'As big as whale might be rather
small, as there is species of the ceta-
cean genus hardly three feet long. Nor
does the expression las awkward as a
crab apply on some of the South Sea ISL
lands for a crab Is found there that not
only runs as fast as an average man, but
climbs trees with the ease of a schoolboy
Nor does 1.-The busy little bee improve
each shining hour down in Mexico. On
the contrary, it soon learns that, as there
is no winter there, there is no necessity for
laying in store of honey, and degenerates
into a thoroughbred loafer.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
From the Other Side.

Here is personal that appeared not
long ago in a London newspaper:
willie return to your distracted wife and
frantic children! Do you want to hear of
your old mothers suicide? You will If you
do not let US know where you are. Any
way, send back your fathers colored meer-
schaum.''
And yet we say the Briton has no very
lively sense Of humor.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
Reflections of a Bachelor.
From the New York Press.
ha

The dreariest thing is wasted love-
In winter lingerie is just plain underwear,
A man doesn't begin to love till his pas
sion becomes of age.
Eve never meant to eat the apple; she
only wanted to taste 1t.
The more a woman studies finance the
surer she is that nothing makes thing so
clear as q pattern.
When a woman resolves to spread sun
shine and happiness around her she begins
by carrying a sad, wistful look in her eyes
and talking in low, mournful voice.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21

go out into the world an hustle an git
money, SOS he could come back some
Christmas just before we was goin' to be
turned out an pay the whole thing off,
"Pl put a mortgage onto the place IL
you think it'll do Josiar any good" he sug-
gested.
Whats the use. He knows ies' as well
as you do that all you'd have to do when
1t run out Is to go to the bank an git money
to pay X off,
"Mebbe we'd better sell an move further
away from town. Several nights he didn't
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21

After he had tasted the sweetness of her
honeyed lips he drew back and asked:
Have you ever kissed hero?''
mo-" she earnestly replied, "neveri"
After he had gone away Respondent 1T oc-
CURED to her that she had said the wrong
thing, for he, too, had been In the war
Cleveland Leader.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21

Hotel proprietor Ito waiter)-"Did you
give that tourist his bill?"
Waiter-"Yes."
Proprietor - Impossible; he il still
whistling. Tit Bits.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21

Under Harry an act of parliament or
dered all the geese In England to be count
ed. and the sheriffs of the counties were re-
each goose.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1899-01-21
Resourceful Electrical Engineers.

i
From the st. LOUIS Repub1ic.
1t has been stated that one of the lead
ing qualities exhibited by electrical engin-
GERS during the war was readiness Of re-
source. This is well illustrated in a story
told by one of the officers of the CORPS
There was a good deal of uneasiness about
that time around Boston. as no one knew
but that the Spanish fleet was sailing
straight for the hcity. and shells might be
flying within twenty-1Dur hours. On Sat-
urady morning orders came down to a
squad of engineers toaset up before night a
complete isolated plant for searchlight
work on one of the Qualifications in the
harbor. The man in charge of getting the
boiler down the bay could get no suitable
light anywhere, SO they simply plugged the
holes in the boiler, rolled it off the pier
hitched 1t to a tug, and toWed it down
the harbor, kept afioat by the air inside it
The men who had to take down the engine
and dynamo managed to get their machines
landed. but there they waited, with ap-
parently no prospect Of going further. On
the whole island there was only one truck
strong enough to carry the machines from
the dock to the fort, and that was in
charge of an Irishman In the employ of the
that he took no orders except from the city
off1ciais, and the authority Of the United
States government was nothing to him. It
was already late In the afternoon, and
tnere was no possibility of reaching the
once OF the authorities in time to secure
the permit. The men simply took the
oriver to their barracks, got him dead
drunk and did their own driving. And the
searchiight shone down the bay that night