Omaha daily bee., 1899-02-19
HUNORS OF SPEECH AND Pen
A Rich and Racy Collection Of Amusing
Blunders.
VERBAL BREAKS that PROVOKE SMILE:
Opportunities Afforded by
the Language to Those who
but Lightly skim Its
Surface.


Surface.
i is always interesting, and sometimes
instructive. 10 listen to the blunders 10
speech made by others. In the club or
I churches. We often find the meanings Of
words hopelessly confused, or the words
themselves clipped and altered almost on;
OF all recognition. The English language
seems TO afford boundless opportunities. TO
those who possess that dangerous gift o. a
little knowledge, for ludicreus interchange
and misapplicahon- Here are a few speci-
mems OF such blunders that have GONE
within the experience OF a writer in the
st. Louis Globe-Democrat:
Two old students OF politics-their name
is leEion-ca-ne together one morning upon
the street. Naturally, they were suspicious
Of the government and exceeding anxious
for the country, like SO many o. their know
little class. It's a bad state Of Affairs,
said whitebeard number one, gloomlly.
As bad as it can be. agreed number two,
with ~alacrity. The two white heads nodded
together ominously. There must be war"
quoted one. All you're right We can
never escape this time, croaked the other.
Let me see, said number one, working a
t~emulous hand toward his c~oat-tail pocket.
let me see what the daily paper procras-
t~inates,' Somewhat similar is the story
narrated by a clergyman. Late one night
he was called out 10 minister TO an old
mana worker upon the adjacent railway
who was supposed TO be dying The sum
mons was brought by another old man. the
elder brother Of the stricken one. While he
was busting about, making preparations for
departure. the clergyman forgot momentum
lily the social status Of his visitor, and
- 49, 4 ----Te WHf TEa l. -rn
was not going TO be beaten. Aye, he's
right in. your reverence" After a pause
ne added as a clincher, Clean in, poor
chap, Right up TO the nerk, sir" Pres
emily the old man went on sadly: M and
brother Bill ave worked together the past
fifteen year" o the railway" asked the
clergyman. Ave. sir. We've worked all
that time on the Ornament way" This
reminds us Of the large and buTly inli-
viGual who was asked his occupation. "Oc-
C~ypstion, sir? Why, TO be sure, ! be a
gcrger." OF course he meant a gRuger.
Coon out O. that, shouted an irate but
Jealous church warden in a rural district TO
some urchins who were playing marbles
against the church door. I'll let passon
know how We d~essicare the holy place"
This word forms q common stumbling
block. A grocer once informed US that
people from quite the respectable classes
not infrequently asked him for desecrated
soup.
Legal Slips.
Lawyers. as well as doctors and the
clergy, frequently have amusing tales to tell
a Canadian barrister is responsible for the
following: One day a farmer came into his
Office and requested that a Photograph will
should be prepared for his signature. The
lawyer began at once to explain terms, but
- ~ --.as. 49, III hT-en1E
not a little upon his legal knowledge, only
grew angry. 4 want a holog-aph will" he
declared; and I'm gcing to have it," he
added in pareuthesis. When the impossi-
bility Of his request was still pointed out,
be angrily stunped from tie ofnce, shout
ing out, D it! IF I can't have Telegraph
will, I'll blamed well die intestine"
On the occasion of q visit to his native
town by a mem Der Of Parliament, one citi-
zen. who had been prevented from going TO
listen TO the speech in the town hall, asked
another who had been present how the dis
tinguished man had been received. Did
they cheer him ~ he asked. Cheer hin -
said the other; Il should think they did.
Why. they gave him a perfect iobation,"
This man must surely have been related
TO the long-suffering l~andlady who was
compelled 10 put up with some very noisy
and unruiy dodgers, who were accustomed
to make the night hideous witt their IN
seznly revelings. sbe conhded her woes
TO q sympathetic friend; There's no put
ting q stop 10 ii, drat EN-, and I shall be
'avtng the police down on my 'ouse soon,
I know I shall. It's the same thing every
night. As soon as I gets into bed, they're
I'D TO all their augeries," But as a good
example Ct a thorough and hopeless perver-
sion OF words. the following would be diff
,,1. - hv,- An fT1F-arpra. rr~HeEmHO had
recently taken his seat upon the tow coun-
ell. He was an ambitious man in his way,
and doubtlcss looked forward &c the time
when he would rise from alderman TO mayor,
ana thence TO the dizzy heights Of 9arlia-
{ mentary fame. However. he bided his time
and restrained the natural flow Of eioquence
that he felt so certain he possessed. One day
debate ruled high at a meeting Of the coun-
ell, until il finally reached the pcint-which
We believe did not create a precedent-one z
somewhat free exchange Of Uncomplimentary
personal remarks. During q nonsutary
lull orr friend felt that the time had come
for him TO arise and shine. He did arise.
and he aid shine though perhaps not in the
manner he intended. Gentlemen and
/ Indies he commenced. and then checked
5 himself. u mean, gentlemen. Sometimes
! IN on the negatur side. Sometimes
! II On LlE ATuIiuT sue. bAL lGu45AL ! L
vice wersy." His speech, which at least &C
: complished the excellent deed Of restoring
good humor 10 the meeting. eliminated a
this early stage, and we believe We are cor
rect in saying that the speaker has not yet
r been called upon to represent a constituency
in Parliament.
Breaks on the stump.
T government have alleviated the con-
fdence Of the country" shouted q public
orator, who had intended TO say the exact
opposite. When his supporters cried at him
he recognized his error. Gentlemen,
/. should have said alienated," he continued
amid the 5eers OF his listeners. 9TH lens
Of ny camera are too opaque" complained
an amateur photographer. The listener, whC
sympathized, guessed that he meant oblique
How the thunder reverhates'" exclaimed
an ignorant man who was given 10 using
! long words. II was the same individual VII,
wrote TO a firm 10 the effect that he had re,
f. ceived Dre-emptory orders for doing sucl
and such q thing. and asked them TO be
= kind enough 10 facilitate matters as much a