Crawford avalanche., 1899-07-06
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Undertaker-"BusyY Second Under
taker-" Rushed to death."-Judge.
"Were you on the firing-line during
the warp "Yes; l was one OF the
Statesman.
She-"Do you believe the bowling Of
a dog is always followed by deathY
He-"No:- not always. Sometimes the
man who shoots at the dog Is a poor
marksman." Chicago News.
Ned-'I ran across a very pretty girl
this morning" I'ed-'sDid she dirt
with your" Ned-"No; after she re-
gained consciousness she had me ar
rested for ching."-Exchange.
fortune e-telIer-"Your-- future hus-
band will be tall. have dark complex
ion, and be very wealthy" The Caller
Now, tell me another thing" how
can l get rid of my present husband?"
'-Tit-Bits. -
Chappie-"Averted tewibble twagedy
Just now." Chollle-"No! How"
Chappie-"Man said he would pound
me to mince- meat IL did not give him
half crown. and l gave him half a
crown."-Tit-Blts
Whats the matter, old man." "Oh,
I've just had quarrel with my wife,"
"Well, forget and forgive" ~ never
can forgive her; you see. was in the
wrong" Then, In that case, demand
an apology."-Harlem Life.
The Mistress" Bridget, don't think
it looks well for you to entertain COM
pany in the kitchen the way you do"
The Cook-"Thanks, mum, but
wouldn't want t. take i'm int tn
parl'r; he spits t'baccy." y."-Philadelphia
Bulletin.
"She is Americas greatest actress"
said Mrs. Tenspot, speaking Of
tragedienne whose name came up In
conversation. Indeed! Who says
so?" asked Mr.. Tenspot. ''The man
who makes the pills that cured her Of
indigestion. Puck.
"What! butter and jam! Why, Ethel,
my child, we'd soon be in the work
house at that ratey' 1.-The workhouse!
Why, mother. Uncle Bob says butter
and jams economy" Economy!
How" "Oh, the same piece of bread
does for both."-Boston Traveller.
"Now, boys" said the teacher of the
juvenile class, "who can tell me what
the dark ages Of the world were"
II can. sir" answered a little fellow
at the foot Of the class. every well;
what were theyY asked the teacher.
'The ages before spectacles were in
vented" was the reply.
Hardacre-"Zeke answered an ad-
vertisement whar they said they'd
send him a church organ for a dollar"
Crawfoot-"What did he get?" Hard.
acre-"A sample copy of the New
Light marked: This is the best church
organ blished."-Chicago News.
Hicks-"Barry made bet that every
person who came by his fence would
touch it. and he won." Wicks-"Non.
sense! How did it huppen?" Hicks
''He merely stuck up the sign Paint
and of course everybody considered
himself called upon to feel of the
fence."-Boston Transcript.
Remember one thing L am about to
tell you," said the successful man to
the ambitious young man. 'It is
rule that Is well worth remembering"
"What is it, sirT' "Never do anything
that your conscience will reproach you
for. Hire somebody else to do it,
Melbourne Weekly Times.
He (as they are seated in quiet nook
near the links)-"Are you quite sure
we never met before this seasonT
She-"Yes; quite positive" He--"And
you haven't a sisterT She-"No; why
do you ask?" He-"Well, I'm positive
I hugged that shirt-waist before, some
where."-Yonkers Statesman.
Father-"Well, my son, what do you
intend to do for living now that you
have finished your college course"
Son-"I think shall take up literature
as a profession" Father-"You should
have thought of that before you en-.
tered college. Then should have sent
you to West Point or Annapolis. New
York Evening Journal.
Bridget (reading laboriously)-"Hev
you seen this, Pat? 1t sez here that
whin mon loses wan av his sinses, his
other sinses get more develyuped. F"i
instans, blind mon gets more sinse
av hearin'. an touch, an" Pat
"Shure, an it's quite thrue; Oi've no.
t'ced it meself. Whin a mon has wan
leg shorter than the other, begorra. the
other legs longer, isn't II, nowY-Ex.
change.
A cyclist who stopped at village inn
boasted about his abilities as a rider
to such an extent that the landlord ven.
tured to make wager with him.
"Look here, minister" said the inn.
keeper, 'you can't ride up and down
this road till the church clock strikes
four" "Donev' said the cyclist. Its
just three-fifteen Iow;" and the next
minute he was speeding down the road.
After about an hours riding the cyclist
shouted to one of the bystanders. of
whom many had assembled: II say.
has the church clock struck four yetT
mo, you idiot" was the blunt reply.
"Why, our church clock never strikes
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