Willmar tribune., 1899-12-20
WlGGINs, GRElL SCHEME


55And since ne Thousl,t i OF e Cl1rist-,
rs mas Has No More Terror
Tor Him.
'.Tell you what, boys, J" began Wig
gins, dropping into his accus toned 1e sea1 'E.
behind the Wayback junction posi-
cffice stove and ostentationsly remoV-
ing q pair Of brand-neW ear-muffs ana
slowing them away in his oyercoat
pocket, ssChristmas an the glad nom nom
day time, as they call it, hain't got nal1
the terrors fer me they used to nave. ave
Why, I can remember the time when
used to dread the comm, of Christma
fer six weeks in advance, an used 10
lay awake nights tryin' to figger out
what could get fer Mahala fer about
IL shillings that she'd think cost i've
or six dollars an be tickled to pieces
over, an then when got it mebbe l
wouldn't hit the bull's-eye after all.
an she'd find fault an want me to take
it back to the store and trade 1t OIL
fer suthin' else. An then, to sort OF
cap the climax an pile the final straw
on the camel's back, I'd generally find
in my stocking, or pinned fast to it II
there wasn't room inside, a pair OF
homemade carpet-top slippers big
enough for the Cardiff giant, or ruffled
an ribbon-betrimmed nightcap that
wouldn't wear fer dollar a night, es-
pecially if anyone was liable to see me
in it, or some other fancy gimcrack
of no earthly use to anybody outside of
a dime museum or refuge fer the
feeble-minded.
*'That is the way it used to be on
Christmas, but now it is different. Me
an Mahala have turned over a new leaf
on the annual Christmas-present in
Fiction, as I used to consider it. We
turned it over exactly five years ago,
sort of Topped the leaves simultaneous
ly, as it were, an sence that time I've
enjoyed havin' the merry Christmases
come scootin' along, an liked the pres
ents got each time better'n ever did
before in my life.
''It's great idee, boys, there's no dis
count on that, an s'pose ought to
get patent on it, but I hate to make
folks pay fer anything that's goin' to
be a public benefit an make everybody
happier that adopts it. I'll tell you how
it works, an then you can all see fer
yourselves what a big improvement it
is over the old way of buyin' Christmas
presents.
1T was little over five years ago
that the idee popped into my head, an
guess Mahala must be mind-reader
or suthin' similar, because, though I
never let on word about what was
up to, she seemed to catch on to the
plan was revolvin' in my upper story
an adopt it at the same time did. Meb-
be it was jest plain instinct-women
are great on that, you know. Anyhow,
there wasn't no frettin' or worryin'
around about suitable Christmas pres
ents that year; everything slipped
along as slick as if they had been 'spe-
| cially creased fer the OCCASION, an
when Christmas mornin' finally arrived
on schedule time jumped out of bed as
usual, hauled pasteboard box about
three inches square out of my right
stocking, opened it and found inside of
it as purity a set of store-teeth as you
ever clapped into your mouth.
II seen right away that the dentist
had made misft of it, so 1 spoke up
an said:
"'See here, Mahala, they've meas
ured the wrong mouth fer these teeth.
| They're purity as a picter, but they're
about four sizes too small fer me an if
try to wear 'em the first thing know
I'll be swallowin' the plaguey things an
chokin' myself to DEATH
| lis that SOP says Mahala, quietly.
We'll, then, suppose you exchange with
me fer this meersham pipe an fancy
tobacker pouch that I have jest found
in my stocking. I've been wantin new
set of teeth fer some time, an
shouldn't wonder mite if those you've
got there would jest fit me-
| Il didn't see any objections to tradin'
seein' I'd been hankerin' fer that kind
OF pipe fer quite a spell, so we made
the trade, grinnin' over it as if it was
good joke on both of us; an sense that
time me an Mahala have swopped
presents right along each Christmas,
an got suthin' useful an satisfactory
an that fitted as we'll as if we had been
measured fer it every time.
Eyes, Stree, boys" concluded Wiggins,
with the air of a man who is we'll
pleased with the world and himself, II
always used to dread buyin' Christmas
presents worse'n gettin' tooth pulled,
but sence I've hit onto sensible way of
doin' the thing, Mahala agrees with
me on it an follers the same plan, the
annual holiday shoppin' possesses no
more terrors fer me than steppfn'
around to the grocery store Saturday
night an investin' in a peck of Ber-
muda sweetPotatoes, fresh from Jersey,
or purchasin' pound an half of the
latest brand of boneless codfish."-N.
Y. World.
The Season of Happiness,
Christmas is the season Of happiness,
and it seems that it can be attributed
/ IN h11f thin =