The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-13
MRS. VAN DYKE


but, You know, to an old family friend
who has known me from childhood ant
has been almost like a father-well. Il
cut the matter short. 1 want to oper
my heart to you. You must be my
father eonfessor."
You are Jesting,"
Not bit of 1t. I am In downright
earnest, 1t is the first favor I've asked
of you in long, long time. You won't
| say no."
IF you think that 1t Is necessary
'of course l do. You can Judge for
yourself I've been here only two
days; come over from Boston on a
visit to my mother. you know. and al
ready they are instigating my husband
to bring suit for divorce"
"-ty dear loretta" interrupted Mr.
Tort mildly. couldn't we discuss this
matter a little more coolly? Might we
not. for example. sit DOWN"
Certainly, let us sit down"
But this circumstance did not In any
way dampen the fire of Mrs. Van
Dykes eloquence.
You know the cause OF all this trou-
ble?"
mot In the least"
mo? You know just as well as II
IL is all about the little Lieut.. Scratch.
People say he has been making love TO
me, and ], 50 they say, am pleased
with his attentions Did you ever hear
of such examinations? l saw Lieut..
Scratch for the first time here at Mrs.
Fitzgerald Archibald's. She isn't re-
lated to Lord Fitzgerald OF Devonshire
at all. though she claims to be- Good
ness gracious. everybody nowadays
pretends to be related to the nobility
Why, my maid says she belongs To the
Fontainbleus. But. let me see, where
were We? II there's anything | hate
It's disgressions when one has IA story
TO tell; It's so tiresome.
"Oh, yes, about Lieutenant Scratch
and Mrs. Fitzgerald Archibald's tea
Well. there couldn't have been more
than ten or twelve people there at the
most. Mrs. Archibald--it takes too
long to pronounce all her name and
she really has no right TO II anyway
Mrs. Archibald had one of her head
aches. That Is her forte. She Is al
ways complaining of headaches. The
drawing room was lighted by a couple
OF carcelles lamps. one with n red shade
and the other with green one. These
produced the funniest physiognomlcsl
Mrs. Archibald stood near the green
lamp. and looked for all the world like
an unrlpe lemon. And her sister, Mrs
Patterson, was near the lamp with the
red shade and had the appearance OF a
picked beet. While there In the middle
was the old aunt! How she did look!
One check had a red tinge and the
other was pale green tint. 1t was too
funny! Eyes, there were Mrs. Archi-
bald and Mrs. Patterson-so lovely! A
pair OF ripe beauties. they! But they
haven't given up the hunt after con-
quests yet. Everybody In New York
knows that Mrs. Archibald was most
extraordinarily intimate with"
but. Doretta-"
"Oh! entirely platonic, assure you!
With an alderman. Now, | ask you.
what Is an alderman even II he does go
to the springs every year,? And Mrs.
Patterson? People are so malicious.
You know old Gen. Cabman. don't you?
The man who is blind in his right eye
and deaf in his left carr? He Is her
favorite now, they say. and his pre-
decessor was Capt. Guernsey. who lost
his leg at Bull Run. and has nothing
but trifiing pension. You've heard
what they call Mrs. Archibald's house,
haven't you? MOI The military hos
pitaL Pretty good, isn't 1t?
"Of the old aunt. believe, they have
nothing bad to tell, or good either. for
that matter. though her face and figure
are something frightfuL She IL a regu-
lar pedant. When she isn't haranguing
tho company at the top OF her voice
she goes to sleep, And II In q waking
interval she does not keep silence once
in q while, she makes the whole COM
pany so nervous they don't know what
TO do by the agreeable habits of rub
bling her hands, as II she were wash
ing them with SOAP"
but, my dear" interpelated Mr.. Tort
once more, "all this has nothing to do
with the matter in hand"
WHAT Nothing to do with 1t? On
the contrary. 1t is Indispensable
well, then, you see. to tell 1t briefly.
the only young and-ahem,-pretty wo-
man in the room was myself. OF the
gentlemen, the alderman and the gen.
eral occupied themselves with the pair
OF sisters; there was q millionaire. made
rich by bankruptcies; q Congressman.
whether Democratic or Republican, 1
can't say; at all events, he had never
smelled much political powder; then Il
literary man. deliver US from evil
then Scratch and my husband. Now,
IL you take out Scratch and myself,
that was delightful company, wasn't
It? For you see--well, you know my
husband Is a good enough sort of
fellow, but he is tediousness persona
fed. 1t is natural enough; he is simply
q normal married man; tiresomeness
seems to be a general characteristic of
husbands. mol don't shake your head,
Mr.. Tort! You don't know anything
about 1t. You should be a woman, and
married-one week would be enough.
A husband is, perhaps. away from
home, good company, entertaining and
witty, but In his own family he is pro-
sale. grumbling and unbearable. He is
discontinued with everything. Every
thing gives him occasion to moralize,
to preach sermons as long as an even
years drought. He holds his wife back
by the skirts II she wants to go out,
and II she wants to stay at home moth
ing will do but she must trot along
with him and make calls. Always op-
position and irritabiiity. II our honor
ed lords and masters are gracious
enough to take US TO the theatre, their
faces are as long as your arm II they
are alone With rg. but they brighten
up the instant they see the faces of
the wives OF other men. weare always
all right when we have two couples to-
gether; then. at least, there is an OPP
portunity to open trossfire. and this has
certain attractiveness. But, alas, for
us. II one happens to be the only lady
In a company. Then our husband
makes every species of conversation
impossible. He tells the most frightfui
anecdotes. There is always some point
which he won't say out loud. but he
must whisper 1t In his neighbours ear.
Then the jollity reaches its climax. and
the assembled lords laugh. and IL
sounds as IL q whole chorus Of catarrh-