The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1899-05-16
EPISTLES TO ST. PAUL.

Talk Is cheap" Few will dispute the
proposition. 1t is q we'll known proyerb-
1alism. It's antithesis, however, is
found In the recent discovery by St
Paul man that breath is dear. The gen
tleman Who made the discovery is an at
torney. And no one but an attorney
would have squared himself, financially,
SO neatly as he did. But let him speak for
himself:
1T all came about through the machi-
nations Of an artistic mixer Of liquor COM
pounds in one Of the down town bar
rooms For period OF several weeks
1t had been customary for me to drop
into his place along about II 80 a. m. and
cut the dust from my throat with a glass
or beer, elm stein, 1 believe it Is desig-
mated. Never was I misanthropic enough
to drink alone. So invariably asked the
barkeeper to join me. Very modestIy and
ingenuously he told me that he was not
In the habit of drinking behind the bar.
but II 1t was all the same to me he
would take little seltzer didn't care
what he drank and told him So With
that he tip-toed up to the nickel-plated
tube, turned a nickel-plated faucet. and
L heard shrill fizz as the liquid poured
into nickel-plated cup. He tossed off
the contents with grand flourish and
smacked his lips.
This performance, / think must have
occurred daily for about two weeks. One
evening l strolled into the place and
found therein quite crowd of acouaint
ances. My quondam friend, the mixer.
was at the end of the bar Somehow he
didn't seem to realize that was in the
room. Evidently he was giving an I'M
promptu exhibition of some kind: a sort
of ventriloquism by which he perfectly
initiated the f1zZ of a soda fountain with
in his mouth. This gave me an idea.
And the idea grew into a horrible sus-
picion when, shortly afterwards, I saw
my alleged friend, the mixer, draw plain
drinking water, fer a chaser, from the
Identical faucet from which he had ex-
tracted his settler whenever had paid
for two drinks.
"A hurried mental calculation remind
ed me that this mans superior ventrilo-
quisnl had cost me about 80 cents.
So | called up 80 certs' worth of peo-
pie and we lined UP and let the cannikin
clink to about that amount. The mixer
was waiting to obtain a glimpse of the
color of my money 1 told him that I
was not in the breath market as buyer
that coveted nc mans breath. and thai
If he had been latoring under the impress
sion that he could unload plain breath on
me at five cents a breath he was mis-
taken. Well the mixer turned red. white
! and blue. He said it was nothing but q
practical Joke; he knew I would tumble
some time, even If brick house didn't
fall on me; that this 90 cents worth
of beverages was on him, and more than
that he would set EN- up again And he
did"
Il was out at What-d' ye-call-um lake
two years ago." said Assistant County
Attorney Zollman to County ATTORNEY
Bigelow. 81 had been out there fishing
for bass and pickerel, and although I
caught some sizable ones. there was a
hardware drummer staying at the same
hotel that beat me out. He sailed out one
day and came back with an eleven-pound
muskalonge. After that he kind Of flocked
by himself and grew so wrapped up in Ills
own greatness that he could not walk
across the croquet ground without trip