Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-05-14

creature WHO was nhfi uitthohN"r
Now / should be the last man on earth
10 recommend or endorse fraud. but II
does seem to me that there are two SIDES
TO this question. II the statute OF
Charles III. be revived. Ike spirit
Of equity to the sex at whom IL IS
aimed would, freeze out baid-headed men
and leave many mutilated legless Con-
federate veterans and saw-mill heroes IN
the lurch. The man with a glass eye
would likewise have perpetual ceiibacy
forced upon him, and we OF the porcelain
teeth could hope for little betteg.
And lastly, / do not think the indi-
vidual who married the half mechanical
lady was entirely to be pisied. by getting
a creature who worked on Divots, so TO
speak. his liability for doctors bills was
decreased 80 per cent. When she got
rickety or creaky little machine-oil
could set her going freely. and. more
over, this better half (or better one fourth
must have enjoyed an entire immunity
from govt and rheumatism and corns
and chilblains and a thousand other
ills that hit US below the belt.
Every now and then some newspaper
jumps on BARRIERS and ventlates its wrath
against these tonsorial artists, who har-
vest the crops on our faces and scalps.
Now, for my part, I've got very high
respect for this class of citizens. While
they talk too much, and know too much
about other peoples business there must
be something in them. In my opinion,
any person who can sharpen razor is
creature of superior ability. | have in
terviewed thousands of men on the sub
ject of shaving, and each and every one
tells me that he would be an expert II
he Just knew how TO whet his razor. This
job really looks like one of the easiest
things on earth-until you try il. My
own experiments, which have covered a
period long ante-dating the civil war, and
which have been repeated thrice a week
during all this time, convince me that
BARRIERS are head and shoulders above
the rest Of us poor ordinary mortals. Up
at my house the premises are actually
Uttered with shaving paraphernalia,
though every attempt TO remove my beard
suggests a hog-killing and causes the loss
of more blood than was shed in the
Spanish American war. Among the uten-
sis brought into action are two whet-
stones, three leather straps, four homes,
and canvas strip. In addition TO TINS
it is my practice to rub the glittering
steel up and down my pants legs, and
lastly, TO slash il across the palms OF my
hands a few times. When these many
and intricate experiments have been COM
pleted, my face is subjected to the lather-
ing process, in the vain hope that my
hard features may be sOftened. and this
trick being completed. the knife Is APP
piled. Truly, it is astonishing how a
razor can resist such overtures When
l make the first fell swoop at my beard
[ hear a cracking sound, which tells me
Of TIE vanity Of my ambitions and Sc
cond later | realize that the razor has
retired from business. And all this, 100,
after every conceivable effort has been
made to sharpen II. Nothing but tine
censorious murmurines Of a whlskers-
hating wife could ever induce me TO shave.
At times, in the darkness of my despair,
| long for a pair OF tweezers with which
to yank out my beard And yet, what
/ have failed to learn in years is as
simple as a. b, 10 the BARRIERS. Don't
tell me they aren't great people! Try TO
sharpen your razor and shave with II,
and you will appreciate the truth of my
remarks.
The newspapers throughout the country
have been making extensive comments
on Mr. Andrew Carnegie the wealthy
Pittsburg steel manufacturer who has
just sold out all his interests to huge
monopoly. The old gentleman is tired OF
work. and as he received $l00.000,o0. Sc
cured by a per cent. mortgage, for his
plant. he concluded 10 spend the rest OF
his life in one long picnic and TO scufiie !
along as best he could on 100000 per an
mum. II gives me great pleasure 10 in |
form many trusted friends In FluVanna' |
Goochland alias GoOZlun), Hanover, spot
svlvania. and Ioo-isa that Mr.. Carnegie |
will not bother them any more; that ne
now proposes 10 give US show at the
financial crumbs and pickings which ne
left living around loose. In thus stepping
side Mr.. Carnegie, with that unselhsn-
ness which IS conceived In lmpecuhlous-
ness and born I'm poverty, asserts that
hereafter he will take much-needed
rest. ,,.
81 do not sell" explains this INDECENT
tradesman. because business Is unpro-
nitious for the prospects were never so
good; but in pursuance of pollcy oe-
termined upon long ago not TO spend my
old age i'm business, struggling for more
dollars. After the age OF CD man shouid
devote himself To wise administrator
of his surplus wealth"
do not believe that / take liberty |
when I say that all OF us wish Mr.. Car
negie well and that should he visit our
section the overseers OF the poor Will see
that ne at least gets the requisite amount
of he-pig and corn-bread to sustain life.
And none more than myself can appre-
ciate his need Of rest. Supposing that |
mortgage he holds is a valid deed and
duly authenticated by a Notary Public,
he can go to bed at =. VI. to-day ana
awake tomorrow to find that 1861 has
accumulated on IL while he snoozed. Ana
should he care To prolOng his nap 10
whole twenty-fOur hours, he Will ma
something like Sl3,72S waiting for him. 10
sav nothing OF some additional chicken
feed" I'm the way OF s. and Decent pieces.
Is II any wonder that the man wants 10
rest? | would be willing to constitute
myself into a Rip Van Wincide II, IN the
course of twenty years, / could achieve
the results which one days sleep brings
To him. And / can well understand, 100,
how Mr.. Carnegie takes so cheerful
view of business and why ne no longer
realizes the necessity Of struggling Tor
dollars. It's q pity / never met that man;
| could make myself so pleasant to him,
and then. too, he says he's looking around
for some wise way TO administer his sur
plus dollars.
While l do not generally like 70 give
the wisdom, wit, and brilliancy Of other
people any show in this column, which is
designed exclusively az medium for ad
my popularity as a legislative |
candidate. / cannot refrain from produc-
ing the following from the. Chicago
Tribune. il tells OF a cow, woman's
convention. aud cOrset-all three good
things I'm their proper spheres:
The Bearded Man. who was asked 10
sneak at the Women Reformers conven-
ton on the subject of "COrsets-Their In
furious Effects Upon the Human Frame"