The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1899-12-09
Lightning Rod Man
on Spheres Of HCtion

Evrey man, woman & child haz hiz.
her or it's sfere az the kase may be.
Its the sfere ov sum men 2 get pari-
lized drunk evrey day in the wear.
That aint a very good sfere g. while it
don't seem be very large sfere there
IL thousands ov men employd in keep
ing the bawl rolling.
1t seems be the sfere ov sum vim
min undertake the rehabilitashun ov
mankind. Mary Ellen Leese IL a good
Xampel ov that genus reformi but the
onley man she ever Reconstructed vaz
Mr. Mary Ellen Leese, her huzband,
& you kin wager large sums that the
poor huZband ov Woman's Rites ad-
Vokate never eats what she cooks
when he can beg, borro or steel sum
plsklts of the nabers & who shall blame
MIN? say ]. woman that kin darn
soX, git meels on time & make over a
last yeers bonnit haz got just abowt az
big sfere to keep goin az eny buddy
L no ov, d when she begins try &,
ware the pants ov the famley she haz
bit off more than she kin chaw: in
other words she haz userpt her pre-
! rogativ e. IL libel overlode her STUN
mick IL suffer the pangs ov kOnjugal
indigestshun, metafOrikally speakin.
Even the new born babe haz hiz
sfere. 1t seems . be hiz sfere . sleep
awl day & holler on the mite shift.
What say you, fellow benedix? G am
the father ov II; for ded & gone .
hevin, hope) If it want my "hope"
| the abuv would be spontaneous poitry.
but Id rather thayd be playin harps
even If there old dad duz get 2 menny
| feet in hiz stanzas. Eny how potts
hav lisences witch may be the recon
there bein unabel to "speek easy"
(No xtra charge the attempts at
jockularity; it's a pritty bum pun).
I'm gettin off the track: leave us re-
| turn 2 to the originel train ov thawt.
Then agen its the sfere ov sum pee
| pill to save lives at 5 cts. per box. viz
| a instantly "Wanted-A kase of bad
helth that" you know the rest.
sum peepil gets mkt up in there
| sferes. There are a lot of acters (aI-
| ledgeO floatin round the country that
haz mist there sfere. Acters, like potts,
are givin berth, not manufactured, &,
a good menny, whoze rantlngs l have
| Witnest, are better sooted act az
switchmen ov kanal than 2 initiate
| the Xample ov the ainshent acter, AL
| CibiadeeZ. 1t seems , be the sfere oy
| another man ! no 2 go round the
country showtin for free silver & tryin
2 get eleckted president ov the United
states x, between you & I, l CESS
that's abowt the limit ov hiz sfere.
The sfere OV your umble servant, the
ritter, IL travel frum town town
saVin the unsuspectin publiCk frum
bein struck by litning &c incidentally 2
keep pack ov hungry woolvs off the
front stoop ov his habitashun. Who
wants , be saved?
Awl correspondents treated strickly
kontidenshal & sent seald in a plane
nyelope, Letters addrest care ov Tri-
bune will reech the undersigned without
fale & viii reseev hiz persnal atten-
shun.
Orders 1 small jobs thankfully re-
seaVed, large Is in prOporshun.
Kindly refrane from ordering in uni
son az / mite be overwhelmd A nice
line ov holiday samples on hand awl
the yeer round & espeshally at pres
ent 1st cum, 1st servd, last arrive
scrvd Just az well.
No trubble show goods. Goods
calld 4 N delivcrd. l pay car fare 2
small purchasers; the big Is are
strong enuff walk.
Yufes, the life saver,
"a. Kidder."
j. S.-Nly Deer Mr.. Editur: l hope
you wont think the abov is partly an
advertisement, but when I got tawk-
in abOwt my own sfere | just coodnt
help Stain, in a camm. pashunate
way, what a CRATE bencfacter suf-
firing humanity l am. If the peepil
onlcy new or wood let me tell them
how much thay needed litning rods I'd
be rusht awlmost deth. but it's the
sfere ov life savers take chancez q
if am to cum my end IN that fashun
you bet lie die like hero.