davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
SOME GOOD SHORT STORIES
Jim and the Admiral.

OF course you have read James Creel-
mans accounts of himself in the pa
pers he has written on Spanish Ameri-
can war subjects? Yes, surely. You
remember then, certainly, the prepon-
derance of capital Is in those papers.
That's just like the mischievous James.
Well, there is new story about it
all in circulation down at Washington
just now, declares the Detroit Free
Press.
1t seems that Mr.. Creelman was sent
to Manila as the emissary of a Jour
nal of New York to offer Admiral
Dewey the nomination to the presiden-
cy.
You go there, Mr. Creelman, and in
terview the admiral on the subject -
said the editor to James
SO James went home and packed his
dress suit case and departed, after as
surfing the editor III succeed in get
ting him to look with the most favor
able light upon the plan. l know him
and he knows me. l have confidence
in my influence. and | know everything
will come out as we want it to-"
So James went to Manila.
He clambered up the side of the
Olympia and accosted Admiral Dewey
thusly: Hello, George. Say, I've got
something great up my sleeve for you"
What is it. Mr.. Creelman?'' asked
the admiral, putting aside his coffee
cup.
IN come up there and tell YOU,
George And Mr. Creelman clambered
up to the bridge 1--WE come away
down here as the emissary of my pa
per. You know I'm on the greatest
paper in America now. Me and Hearst
run it. l come to tell you that as the
leading representative of that paper l
want your consent to the presentation
of your name in my paper as that of
the man who will be the next presi-
dent. L know you know me and can
depend upon me. And 1 know you.
In other words I come to offer you
the nomination for the presidency. And
offer you my heartfelt congratula-
tons. And L know you will take it for
my sake"
"Oh, no." replied the admiral, Il
don't want it."
Don't want it. man." exclaimed Mr.
Creelman. Why, you must take it. I
want you particularly, admiral"
No, no." remarked Dewey, waving
the man away and taking up his cof-
fee cup, I've other fish to fry. You
take it, Jim
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
The Bow and the Battle.
cleveland Plain Dealer.)

(Cl6NGlduu ram DGdlel-)
The boy had been asked to write a COM
position on the naval battle of Santiago.
This is the painful result:
''Samsun steemed up waze an then
Cervery come out. He sed i CESS lie
make a run for it So he crackt on all
sale an came q Dustin thru the narrer
place where Hobsun sinkt the Merrymack,
an he stored clost to shore in hops to git
away. Sly seen him comm an he
signuled to the other ships an tina all
went fer Cervery like thousan of brick.
SLY swinged the Bruklyn round an let EN-
have it with both barles frum the wurd
go. An pritty soon all the Spanish ships
went down PUNK like as tho they had
holes bord in EN-. Then when Sly an
the rest of the captins was wipin' thare
forrids an lesin' the guns cool off, up
stems Admiral Samsun. Hello. SEE Sly,
pleasantly. where you bin all this while?
But Samsun wuz out of sorts. 1t looks
to me- he SEE bitturly, as if you think
you wuz the hole thing But Sly he only
iafs oh, 1 dunno kno.' he seq. an winks
at the captins. i CESS there's glorie enuff
to go round But Samsun was offul
bilyus If you'd obayed orders, he SEE,
this disgraysful thing woodn't hav' hap
pened.' Then Sly dident say no more, coz
he saw how bilyus Samsun wuz An
the Cervery ships bein' sunk for good an
all tina couldn't try it over agin, an that 5
all ] kno' about it up to the presunt
writin.'
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16

Does The Herald deny to us the
privilege of reply when attacked, while
at the same time it fills up it's columns
chiefly with rejoinders Oh it's own ac.
count?" asks the Dessert News. BY no
means But the News insists upon dis
cussing questions that have been set
tied long ago, and with an organ, too,
whose purpose and delight are to in
volve the News in JUS that kind of q
discussion. The Herald is glad to see
its evening contemporary deny the ac-
cusations made against the church 1t
represents, but the constant repetition
of a denial and an incessant war of
words add nothing to the defense. And
then, when the News began discussing
the school question on the identical
lines laid down by the Tribune, only
from the other side, The Herald, which
had not interfered with the long-drawn-
out quarrel of its contemporaries before
felt that it was time to reassure the
public and say that, however much two
local newspapers might use the old
weapons and appeal to the old preiu-
diees, the old war is not on, and cannot
be renewed. 1t was in the interest of
the community, and without the least
desire to deprive the News of the last
word that The Herald appeared as
peacemaker.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
CLEAR TIE TRACK !

There are those who accuse the News
of opposing immigration to Utah, and
yet the Tribune is doing everything in
its power to prevent people from COM
ing here. The one objects to the en-
ployment OF non-residents in the schools
and the other sneers at men because
they haven't been in the state more
than five or ten years. The News re
fers to those TO whom it objects as i'm
portations for school purposes" and
the Tribune designates newcomers who
do not agree with it, as recent immi-
grants"
The Tribune is great deal worse in
this respect than the News is or ever
was. All bigots are not in one church.
The most malicious, vindictive, unreal
soning fanatics in the world are anti
church fanatics. When men live to be
between 100 and 125 years old and spend
the greater portion of that time black
guarding people who do not agree with
them, they become indifferent to the
public, unconscious of the flight of time,
unmindful of the distance the commu-
nifty has left them in the lurch, and
they renew the battles of their youth
and assan each other and every one in
reach with the bludgeons of ancient
hate.
Sectarian bigotry is bad enough. In
tolerant opposition is just as bad In
either case the actors assume to be the
embodiment of all that is wise and
good. They are petulant with those
who do not share their likes and dis
likes. abusive to those who oppose the
petty methods they pursue.
Those bigoted malcontents who rise
periodically against each other and vent
their spleens to the disgrace of the com
munity and injury of the state, are do
ing each other no harm. They may in
terfere with advancement for a little
while, and attempt to justify it by cit
ing something they did before the pres
ent generation was born, but they
would better get out of the way OF
come up to date. The car of progress
is coming along. They should recall
the old story of the bull which tried to
impede the movement of the locomo-
tive. History is silent as to where that
poor bull is buried.
The handful of Mormons who may be
trying to revive old conditions, and the
little clique OF Gentles who are striv-
ing to renew the cid fight, have about
as much chance OF success as that pug
nacious but foolish bull had in locking
horns in his oldfashioned way with an
engine of enlightenment.
Utah has advanced during the past
ten years, mossbacks to the contrary
Notwithstanding And this advancemeu1
has been as rapid as common sense ex-
pected. There is no occasion for alarm.
We assure our friends and contempora-
ries outside Of the state that Utah is
not the den. Of dishonesty and iniquity
it has been painted. The state may not
be progressing as fast as some others
in the realm of metaphysical intellectu-
atty but it is not going, crablike, back
to the dark ages of eXclusiveness, clan
ishnesS suspicious and intolerance.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
Polly's Mistake.
(Cleveland Plain Dealer.

L ~
A parrot that had grown old anL
gray, and wicked, was the property OF
a man who was delighted by the birds
uncanny speeches and yet was ofte,
annoyed by their rudeness. One day tbs
rector of the parish came to call or
the owner and the bird happened to be
in the room. The pastor was a snort
fat man, with a smooth face, a cleri-
cal coat and a white tie.
For a time the bird was quiet, but
suddenly, after some personal eXper-
fences related by the clergyman, the
wretched creature squawked out: oh
what a lie."
OF course, Polly was punished, and Sc
verely too, and for a time seemed tc
mend her wicked ways.
One day friend of the family from
out of town came to make a visit As
soon as he caught sight of Polly he al
once tried to make friends with her. He
was a short fat man, with a smooth
face, and Polly looked at him with her
head cooked on one side in decidedly
wicked fashion.
But she didn't say word.
Finally he turned away, and then
that naughty parrot shrieked after him:
You can't catch me, you old fool
Where's your white necktie?"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
SOLDIERS AND ALIENS.

A correspondent desires to know if
any distinction is made between Amer
lean soldiers of foreign birth and other
aliens in procuring naturalization in
this country.
There is considerable difference, in
volving five years of time and some red
tape, which is unavoidable in an ordi-
nary case of naturalization.
Any alien of the age of q years and
upward who has been in the armies of
the United States and has been honor
ably discharged therefrom may become
citizen on his petition without any
previous declaration of intention, pro-
vided that he has resided i'll the United
States at least one year previous to his
application, and is of good moral char
acter.
And it has been judicially decided
that, in the case of soldier or ex-
soldier having an honorable discharge,
that residence of one year in a partic-
uiar state is not requisite, provided the
applicant was in the army for that
length of time.
But in the case of a man who en-
listed, then deserted, then re-enlisted
under an assumed name and. in time,
was honorably discharged from the
army of the United States, it was held
that his military career did not indicate
good moral character" And the opin-
ion was based on the assumption that
a man who would commit the crime of
desertion, then resort to deceit in order
to re-enter the army, is not the kind of
question is asked by a judge, rs he a
man who is upright, of good moral
character, and would he make good
citizen?"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
The Chicago Man On the Nile.
(Cleyeland Plain Dealer.)

ICIGN
The guide: This is the tomb of Sesos-
iris. These are his wives, all embalmed,
American tourist; us the packing house
The guide: 1.-The packing house?"
The tourist: Yes, yes. the packing
house where they do the embalming."
The guide: But this embalmtng was
done 900 years ago"
THO tourist: whats that? Come.
come, my friend. you can't expect us to
believe any such story. That's good
enough for the army board, but it won t
go down with us. I'll just make you a
little bet on it."
The guide: "A bet?'
The tourist: That's right. I'll bet you
a Chicago corner lot against the big
pyramid that your boosted embalming
process wouldn't stand the Porto Rican
climate for six hours. Is it go?''
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16

oped, and have appliances at hand, can
Immediately take advantage of the
boom. To open up good copper mine
takes months, often years. But, when
the mines are all taken, investors will
begin looking for prospects out of which
to make mines. In fact, they are doing
so now, and it is gratifying to know
that some of the most promising of
these have been found right here in
Utah. There is certainly a bright out
look ahead for copper.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
a Difference. of Opinion.
Mashington Post.)

A woman l know has recently pur-
chased a very large photograph of the
Sistine Madonna, which she has hung in
her own room. II is framed in dark wood
without any mat, so that the two
familiar cherubs at the bottom of the pie
ture appear to lean on the frame itself.
The owner of the picture came into her
room one day and found her chambermaid
intently gazing at them.
Miss Mary" said the maid what S
them things down there?'
Those are cherubs," answered the mis-
tress.
what. ma amp" asked the maid.
'Cherubs," repeated the mistress.
''Oh," said the maid, so they re
cherutbs. are they? Wen I'm glad to
know what they are. Bridget said they
were bats, but thought they must be
twins"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
Making a Bluff.
andiananolis journal.


What do you want" sharply asked the
lady of the house as a stranger walked
around to the back door OF the house.
Nothing at all, ma'am,' suavely re-
piled the stranger bowling Il was just
making a bluff. / got put off a street
car, and the conductor stood on the plat
form grinning at me, so / just walked into
had reached my destination. His old fiat
wheel ice wagon has gone on now and,
with many thanks to you, L shall de-
ar-t'i
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
What He Wanted.
aarner.s Razarl

Mrs. Hornbeak docking up from her
newspaper)-Here is a patent medicine
which is guaranteed to cure We after
Farmer Hornbeak-HuhI What I want
when I'm sick is a medicine that will cure
me before I've tried everything else. an
not one that have to put off takin' till 1
have waded through the whole blamed
meteery meddicky without gittin' relief.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
Lacked One Thing.
QHarper's Bazar9

at is a great thing, sir. this newly in
,,aDred patent corn-husking machine
which I am selling. Il is drawn by TWO
horses and will pick and shuck cighr
acres of corn in day. Think Of it, sirl
II jisshtens the farmers labors IL mixes
The foil of corn usking u mere pastime
..fT,b, / don't see how. That ere ding
t1;ftered machine don't kiss the girl cvesv
time il finds red ear, does it?''
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
A Pleasant Thing.
cHarper's Bazar.l

nyval1. yes replied a prominent citizen
Of Arkansaw to the query of prospective
1ard purchaser. Eve have considerable
ague we're 1t hain't the Dleasantest thing
in the world mebbe. but il has its ad-
vantares. When yo have a chill yore
sbal,fn' anuses the baby an 1t saves a
right smart sum, in the cou Sc of a year,
in the cost of rattle boxes
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
Supplied the Deficiency.
ATLANTA CONSTITUENCY

"I want you to make a statue Of NIa-ie-
my wife than wuZ." said the rural ,-isifor
70 the sculptor. but l haven't got a nic-
ture of her. can't find one nowher's an.
she's dead and gone.
''Thunder and lightning" exclaimed thu
srttipfor "hOW can you expect me to -
"That's it,, was the. triumphant in.ar-
ruption. that's it, Jest make il like
thunder an lightnin' an you won't miss
bar very far
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
METEOROLOGICAL RECORD.
Yesterdays Record at the Local OF
fee of the Weather Bureau.

salt Lake City, Utah, April 10, 1883
Maximurn temperature, 70 degrees; mini
mum Temperatures Il degrees; mean tenn
,,arature 5S degrees. which is degrees
above the normal: accumulated excess OF
1emperat1re since first of the month, %
degrees; accumulated excess of telnpera-
cinifation from D. m. to 5 p. IT,, inch;
accumulated deficiency of precipitation
since first of the month. &c inch; accumu-
lated excess of precipitation since Jan.
!, 1.3i inches.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16

Dreyfus is despairing of ever receiv-
ing justice in a French tribunal, and
threatens suicide. His enemies wish for
nothing more than his death, and would
interpret his self-destruction to be a
confession of guilt
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16

The Filipinos are not satisfied with
the proclamation issued by the United
States authorities. They prefer bullets
to proclamations.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16

room table and Kissed between his
white lips:
IF I only had that St Louis Judge
under here for about seventeen seconds
I'd twist his idiotic neck orr
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16
STOCKS AND INVESTMENTS.

utah Bank and Commercial Stocks and
other High Grade Investment Securities
bought and sold.
Dividend-paying stocks bought and sold.
Tnvestment orders from institutions,
truStees of estates and capitalists viii
receive the best of attention.
JOHN c. CUTLER, JR..
Tel. 127. So Main Street.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16

Wireless biography has been tested
and approved by government authori-
ties. This is the system by which 5000
words a minute can be sent.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16

less conquests Uncle Sam has made is
that of Guam. The Spanish compander
surrendered without shot, and the ma
tives have submitted without strug-
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-16

one of the most complete and blood
The Portland daily press., 1899-10-19
Question In Law.

The young man who was once clerk
In law Office was airing his knowledge
of the law and giving opinions ON every
thing that came up.
Il s'pose," said the old man with chin
whislxers. ''that you know all there is to
know about VIZ"
well, l won't say that" answered the
youth, "but l will admit that | know
quite bit"
Jest the man 1 want to see, then" as.
serted the man with the whiskers. "You
see, had quite legal pint come up in
Kansas, an mebbe you kin straighten it
out"
Shouldn't wonder IL could" returned
the youth. What was it?'
why, man Twin bout half mile
from me had a house with cellar under
1t, an l had a house without cellar.
Along came cyclone, picked both of 'em
up, spun 'em roun an put mine down
where his used to be an his where mine
used to be. We let 'em stay right where
they landed, an now what I want to
know is. do l owe him for diggin the Gel.
iarT--Chicago Post.
The Portland daily press., 1899-10-19
BONNER STEPPED IN.
PrueIsy Police omssr stops right On
Fore street.

Late yesterday afternoon two drunken
sailors were a shting in front OF one Of
the sailor boarding houses on Fora street
near tire custom house. The men were
going at each other Ia pretty brutal
style and big crowd Of people had gath
cred to look en-. ud1enly OffIoer Bonner
In citizens clothes.sppeared... He was not
recognized at frat and when he attempted
to part the scrappers one of tire sailors
turned about and tried to assault the
officer. But the sailor was mistaken
in his man who with two or three power
full blows easily came out first. As the
officsr threw Che sailor mp against the
wall the crowd shouted en- masse. "Good
boy Bonner. What's the mattn with
Bonnerf''
The other sailor too attempted to resist
the officer and he. too, was summarily
overcome. The sailors said they were
bound for Boston and after promising
the officer that they would at once go
down to the boat no arrests were made.
The Portland daily press., 1899-10-19

At recent licensing case in Dublin q
certain well known ecclesiastic was be-
Ing cross examined. am sme the genial
dean Of the Chapel Royal win forgive me
mentioning his name, as he is an Irish
man. with more than an Irishman's fund
of wit
Seene-A police court. Applicant-A
bibuleus innkeeper. Witness-The dean,
appearing on behalf OF the Church of
Ireland Temperance society.
"And you, Mr. Dane of the Chapel
Royal, were in that public houser' came
the first question.
Il was. sir" came an unblushing an.
swer.
"And may l ask, Mr.. Dane Of the
Chapel Royal, did you take anything in
the public houser"
81 did, sir"
Great sensation in court.
"Oh, you did, Mr.. Dane, did you? And
may ask. Mr.. DSne of the Chapel Roy
aP'-with strong and derisive accent
what you took, STRIP
81 took chair. sir" answered the
quick witted witness. "And, further than
that. l took notes, sir, and there they
are, sir. -Nineteenth Century.
The Portland daily press., 1899-10-19
Bates Backs Slow in
Starting,
The Final Score Was 30 TO o.
Other Games.

Cambridge, Mass, October 1s.--Hsr-
ward varsity beat Bates 30 to this after
noon, in game which, though poor in
general, was good In spots.
While Harvsri's play was. with the ex-
ception Of fumbles fair at times, the
Bates backs also gained at win, through
Hollingsworth and ]. Lawrence. In the
second half, with Donald aud Eaton play
ing tackles, the defense was great deal
stronger.
Aside from the extreme slowneIs CT the
Bates packs In starting, they played
a strong game. A double pass, Stiuch-
field to Richardson, was used to great
effect. Once Purinton, obtaining the
ball on a tumble, broke clear Of the Har-
ward line, but as Sawin downed him,
Harvard was saved from being scored
against
In beginning the game Harvard scored
In two minutes. After Warren had re-
turned the kick on, Bates could not gain,
and punted to Sawin. who ran 90 yards
for touchdown.
In the second half the Harvard eleven,
strengthened by the presence OF Eaton,
Donald. Campbell, Burnett and DAILY,
scored three touchdowns. The lineup;
Harvard Bates
The Portland daily press., 1899-10-19
A QUEER CURE.
He Drove the Teothaehe Away with
n Hammer and Nails.

He Drove the Teothaehe Away with
a Hammer and Nails.
Il ran across strange freak in a small
town in South Carolina" said returned
traveller the other night. ''The town was
small and iacsed many of the improve
ments and things really needed. One aft
ernoon ! had violent toothache, and
there was no dentist about to offer me re.
lief. The pain was agonizing. 1t was
new to me. wandered about and drift
ed to the lone drug store and asked the
druggist for some. old pain killer. He
gave siekly grin and said he didn't have
a thing in the shop.
can stop the pain all right, though,
ne told me. and I promptly offered him
IS il he would.
''The man took me 20 a porch at the
rear of the store and called to boy for
hammer and nails / got huffy at this
call, for thought the guy had gone mad
and was going to punch out my painful
grinder, but he assured me that he would
not touch me. He went to post, which
looked as il it already had ,000, 900 nails
In 1t, and wrote four letters-'A, @, FL, E.
Now, just watch me- he aaid, and
think Of what am doing
WIN tHdt ne look hammer ana be-
gan driving tenpenry nail. He gave
fancy ticks. When the nail was driven,
he gave the same sickly grin and asked
about the pain. Still there 1 said, and
then he took the nail and soon had the
letter 'C covered. By that time the pain
was disappearing, though I would not
admit IT, The quack continued to ham
mer until the last nail was gone, and, on
my word, the pain had disappeared. i
waited few moments for 1t to return,
but 1t did not, and up to this day the
tooth is sound. The druggist did not
want to accept the IS, hut insisted.
Talking to the man afterward, he told
me that he cured hundreds of cases of
toothache for people around the inclose,
as the driven nails could show. The ne
groes were the most frequent callers, and
none of them had to pay. 1t all seems
strange and funny, and cannot talk for
the others, but that man cured my tooth
ache by the simple remedy of the ham,
mer and naiis."-New York Sun.
The Portland daily press., 1899-10-19
Two ola Phrases,

Soy baggage" seems to Apply not
merely to the modest and retiring maid.
or girl" as we should now say, but
rather TO one who made pretense of
modesty using it as an additional weap-
on of offense and as new snare where
with to decoy men into the net of her
charms. for the expression infers CON
siderable personal charm. Where the
assumed modesty is unsupported by per-
sonal charm and where the assumption
is not, as it were. licensed by youth,
'coy" becomes sly" which is not so
nice, and the coy baggage" grown old
enough to know better, becomes "sly
minx."-Academy.