Little Falls weekly transcript. (Little Falls, Morrison Co., Minn.) 1894-19??, 1899-09-15
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WOES OF A HUMORIST
THE PROFESSIONAL ONE SUFFERS
TOR1URES OF REMORsE.

And Confesses to His StenoErapher
and For the Benefit Of the II eading
Public That He Has Committed
Some Terrible Misdeeds.
The chronic professional humorist was
suffering the tortures OF the eternally
lost. One after another the wretched
sinners had stood UP there in the gospel
tent and told Of their delinQuencies.
These ranged from the worst kind Of fel-
onies to the most venial misdemeanors.
One man, for instance, revealed how in
a fit of annoyance he had slaughtered a
large and interesting family. Another
reproached himself for having slipped by
q sleepy elevated railroad chopper with
out dropping his ticket in the box. In
the most frank and engaging manner ev-
cry one had owned up to something or
other.
And now it was all over, and the chron-
ici humorist was at home alone with his
dog, with his thoughts. Then there came
to him suddenly flash of righteousness
that lighted up and showed hiW yividly
and as he never saw before the horror of
the life he had been leading for years.
How to atone for it? The revivalist had
plainly said that confession must precede
any attempt to reform. Aud there in his
own chamber, attached to which was the
conventional dormer window without
which no story like this is complete, he
poured out his whole soul, debating the
soul to his stenographer.
"For years." his confession began, "for
years I have led this life. The days have
come and gone, the sparrows, have twft-
tered upon the lintels, as sparrows inva-
riably will, and the corn has ripened and
been reaped and sold at cost much be-
low that Of production with monotonous
precision, yet have still gone on leading
this life. >.s.
"But now my heart and eyes are open
ed. I see before me the lengthy vista Of
criminal past. will atone for my mis-
doings. Here and now will tell all.
II have wronged and deceived my reaS>
ers, and contrition is in my mind. My
career has been living lie. Every state
ment on which built up prosperous
past, which included the dearest food and
raiment in the market. has been untrue.
'Let me begin at the shameful begin
ming, for that is the proper place to COM
mence. For years dwelt in boarding
house. The steak there was tender and
juicy, the bed soft and warm, the land
lady considerable and angelic when was
sick, and all the accommodations were
supplied to me at ridiculously low prices.
Yet spent my hideous days writing and
selling articles full Of the calumny that
in all boarding houses the, butter walked
across the room and the boarders lived on
prunes. have never seen prune in my
life, though have made thousands of
dollars out of the prune joke. On no &C.
casion did my landlady ever force me to
partake Of hash. Yet was the inventor
Of the witticism about the boarder who
dropped dead with surprise on finding
hash Internationally left off his bill Of
fare" "@t:'< II =" && =.
n-Mie wretched man groaned aloud, it
being impossible to groan in any other
way. A fash of real lightning illumined
the chamber, the dog shuddered, and the
clock struck one. He went on in a voice
that sounded like the wall Of mislaid
banshee. 5.-E.
s'My nearest and most honest friends,
those who speak the best English, are
folks who live in the country and grow
early spring lettuce for living. These
persons I have pictured wearing chin
whiskers and exclaiming, Gee Willikens'
and BE gosh at every third or fourth
line. believe It to be fact that no
such remarks were ever made by any one
outside OF my article. Nor did any one
ever observe Gosh. all hemlock' or III
be gol darned.' y: II -. -. .-