davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
Z We'll, what is it?'

Well, what is it?'
we are both thieves. Let us steel
from every one else, but not from each
orher,'
"One day, when a native applied for
employment, l told him he must bring
me a recommend from his last place.
He had been working for a German,
and he posted off and brought back a
/, letter. As he couldn't read | thought
to have some fun with him, and so l
said
sent you for a character, but
this man has given you a bad one.
cannot take YOU
What has he said?' asked the ma
tive.
That you will neither steal nor lie,
and that you work too hard. Do you
think l will take such person into the
store?'
He says that, does he!' exclaimed
the applicant in great excitement. He
would take away my reputation, would
he! Senior, l assure you that he is
wrong. I was lying to him twenty
times a day, and there was never a
day | did not steal something. AS for
working too hard, | was so lazy that |
grew fat. Give me place and you
shall have no cause to complain
THE Philippines will be a great field
for missionary work. concluded the
relator, but the good people must not
expect to rush things. In the first
place, the natives will endeavor to steal
the shirts off the backs of the mission
aries, and in the next to lie them to a
standstill but in a hundred years or
so these evils may be eradicated and
a foundation laid. AS l said, it's the
nature of the man. He was born ana
| brought up that way, and it will be
hard to change him. One afternoon,
as l was smoking and resting in the
warehouse, the head porter came along.
He'd been in the service of the firm for
years and was favorite
Joe, said I, calling him by the
nickname he had received from the
first, L am sorry to bring you bad
news, but you are to be discharged at
the end of the week
For what reason, Senor?' he asked.
Because you are no liar
"'Ah. Senior, you do me an inius-
tice! l am the biggest liar in your en-
ploy, and l can 50 prove. There is
never day in which l do not lie 1t
is not right to discharge me on such
grounds
:" But you do not steal,' protested.
What, Senor!- How long have |
held my place here?'
Ten or twelve years
>" Tt is so, and there has never been
week that l have not stolen some
thing. Plead for me, Senior. 1 will lie
harder and steal more and prove that
l have your interests at hearth"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
WITH OUR COMPLIMENTS.

Three years ago a man named
OBrien entered The Kicker Office and
demanded that we publish a column
defense of Judas Iscariot which he
had written out in pencil on a -four
sack. We excused ourself on the plea
that 1t was an affair SO ancient that
the public had lost interest, but Mr..
OBrien, not only insisted. but opened
fire on us. In self-defense we were
compelled to draw on him, and after
the smoke had cleared away we found
the lower half OF his right ear on the
floor. AS he did not show up to claim
it, we dropped It into the Jar of alcohol
among other relics. Tuesday after
noon a man whom we could not place
entered the Office and subscribed for
the paper and asked for that missing
ear. 1t was Mr.. O'Brien, but he had
dropped the defense of Judas lgcariot
and was looking and feeling better.
He came In friendship and the half
hour OF his stay was pleasant and
agreeable. He wanted the souvenir 20
place on a wall bracket at home as a
reminder and warning, and we took
great pleasure In fishing 1t out of the
jar and presenting it TO him in a blue
cotton handkerchief We are glad 10
have Mr.. O'Brien as a friend. Any
time he wants to defend or pitch into
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

The ever shifting storm center OF
European political struggle might be
said to rest over the countries of Nor
way and Sweden at the present time.
These two united nations do not seem
to be getting along very well of late,
and it is now even limited that before
very long there is likely to be open
warfare between these two long quar-
reling countries. Whether or not the
outcome will be division of the
Scandinavian peninsula is question
that only the future can tell.
BY the treaty of Kiel, 1914, Norway
was handed over to Sweden as little
gift from the European powers, this
breaking up of the former tripartite
union of Denmark Norway and Swe-
den being made to punish Denmark
for her adherence to the cause of Ma
poleon. Norway, however, objected to
being given away in this jaunty man
ner, refused to ratify the shameful
bargain and openly declared its indie
pendence! So the French Marshal
Bernadotte. having become king OF
Sweden under the name of Charles
John, made an abortive attempt TO
take military possession of the dis
senting sister nation. He finally
recognized Norway's independence on
condition that the Edsvold parlia-
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
SOME SIDE ISSUES.

With a Few Morals Thrown In Free Gratis.
The Peasants good wife awakened
him at midnight one night to say that
pack of wolves were seeking to get
at the pig in the pen.
IF they get the pig they may go
away without finding the calf" he re-
piled, as he closed his eyes again.
but I'm sure they are clso after the
calf she insisted.
But We will still have the COW left -
'And if they should get the cow"
well, We have often figured that il
didn't pay to keep her. Sleep, woman
sleep"
How can l sleep when the beasts
have left the pig and calf and COW to
attack our cabin,"
'Is it so Then that is better We
may have something to leave to our
heirs"
Mani Man, Al you not get up
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

his belief that the only possible way
of putting an end TO the long standing
quarrel between Norway and Sweden
was by force OF arms. He also de-
clared that he asked for nothing bet
ter than to be intrusted with the COM
mand of the Swedish army for the
task Of reducing his fathers disloyal
and rebellious Norwegian subjects to
entire submission. AS soon as the text
of this disquieting declaration was
made known at Christiana the storth-
ing, which was in session at the time,
by an almost unanimous vote, passed
measure suspending the payment Of
the Norwegian contribution to the civil
lost Of the crown prince. They took
the not unreasonable ground that ii
was ridiculous to subscribe TO the
maintenance Of prince who openly
and unreservedly proposed TO lead a
Swedish army into the territory OF the
people to whom he was looking for
such financial support. King Oscar,
wiser than the headstrong Gustave.
advised retraction on the part OF the
prince. but the autoeratic Gustave
chung doggedly to his dictum. The
result Of this and many subsequent
rupturee Of a like character is the
clear impression that the present state
Of affairs in the Scandinavian PENN
sula cannot continue as they are.
What makes the situation OF to-day
more ominous Is the fact that the
present regent Is the. first OF his line
to enjoy the sympathy and support
Of the entire SwediSh aristocracy.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
A GOOD SHOW.

The Shakespearean Comedy Com
pany gave an entertainment at the
Hellso Opera House last Tuesday
evening, which was an all around sue
cess. When the company arrived here
the manager called to consult us on
the idioms of the people He intended
to put on "As You Like IT. without
diversity, but after we had taken him
over to the theatre and pointed out
over 500 bullet holes in the ceiling and
drop curtain, he placed himself in our
hands. We made out program
which was partly as Shakespeare liked
it and partly as we knew our people
would like it. There was Shakespeare.
singing, dancing, Hamlet, Uncle Tom.
a few Indians and hold-up, and the
cash receipts at the box-office were
over $500. Not only that, but there
was not a shot fired from first to last,
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
LOST TO RESPECT

In a way we feel to pity our esteegn-
ed contemporary. He was the editor
of chicken farm in Ohio. but Fate
sent him out here TO edit a weekly
newspaper. His circulation hobs ND and
down between $50 and $50, but never
hobs above the latter figure He can't
write, nor make a speech nor ride a
broncho. He can't get Office, make
friends. handle gun nor bluff. Taken
all around, he is an object to call for
sympathy, and yet there are times
when he deliberately makes matters
worse for himself. For instance. Mrs.
General Taylor gave a birthday party
at her mansion on Coehise Place last
Monday evening. We were there. Of
course. We had just got through lead
ing eotillion when snow ball came
crashing through window. and wa
ran out TO catch sight of our esteemed
as he disappeared around a corner II
was the temper and the revenge of A
pos seven years old. We can realize
tnat ne must have suffered in his fee,-
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

Il was in Manila for five years." said
the ex-representative of an American
firm, land / know those scalawag Phil
ipinos from head to heel. A healthy
adult native will do more lying and
stealing in one day than an American
can do in year. 1t comes natural to
them. Among the masses the man
who doesn't lie or steal would be out
lawed as suspicious character l used
to blame 'em at first, but finding that
it was the custom as old as the islands
fell in with it and tried to make the
best of it. 1t was aggravating at times,
however, as it interfered with business.
Suppose I wanted hundred bales of
hemp, for instance, to complete car
go? I'd go to native factor and state
my wants and ask his lowest price.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

pathies were Swedish. But owing to
the retirement from public affairs of
this diplomatic, shrewd and ever pop
ular monarch and the unwelcome sue
cession of the reigning crowd prince
all the old unrest has again made it.
self manifest. This unpopular crown
prince, whose name is Gustave, is 81
years old and married to a daughter
of Kaiser Wilhelm l. Unlike his suave
and cultured father, Prince Gustave
has done little to conciliate the two
belligerent parties which constitute
his bipartite nation. In fact, his I'M
disguised favoritism for Sweden has
greatly incensed the Norwegians. and
now that the crown prince has for
hidden all demonstrations Of "inde-
pendence' in Norway has stirred up a
political hornets nest in that country.
In fact, Gustave has been showing
himself the very antithesis Of his royal
father.
For some time he has proved him
self possessed OF all the iron will and
Incorporating doggedness Of his
great Teutonic father-in-law. He is
on terms of the most intimate ac-
quaintance with the present kaiser OF
Germany and has openly adopted
many of his German cousins traits
and characteristics. Like the kaiser,
he believes the mailed fist is better
than the velvet glove in solving ad-
ministrative difficulties.
A little over two years ago the
crown prince took advantage OF a pub
lie meeting at Stockholm to express
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

ment elected him nominal king of
their country. So to-day the consti-
tuition of the twin kingdom practically
declares Norway to be a free and in
dependent kingdom, united with Swe-
den under one king. 1t is in no way a
dependency of Sweden. as Canada or
Ireland is of England, though it was
the policy of King Charles John to re-
duce, if possible, Norway TO this posi-
ton. From the time of his sovereign
recognition until the present there has
been continued friction between the
two countries.
1t was Bjornstjerne Bjornson who.
in 1873, began the agitation for not
only the nominal. but the actual
equality of the two nations. Foreign
affairs have always been conducted
by Sweden, and, while not quite all the
diplomatic and consular representa-
tives have been Swedes, they have
been elected by and primarily stand
for the interests of Sweden
If war should be declared between
Sweden and Norway. it is believed by
students OF European affairs that the
trouble would by no means be restrict
ed to the Scandinavian peninsula. Of
late it has been apparent that Ger
many has great sympathy for Sweden,
while Russia has been manifesting a.
corresponding fellow feeling with Nor
way. Until half a dozen years ago
King Oscar, by reason OF his level
headedness and keen diplomacy, had
been able to prevent any outburst,
though it was felt his actual SYM
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
GOOD MISSIONARY FIELD.
Some Interesting Traits About New Yankees OF The
Pacific,

ended the case. 1t often happened that
one of the storemen would be sent out
after change for a dollar. He'd lnvar.
iably seek to retain five or ten cents,
and when forced to Shell out would be
heartbroken all the afternoon Every
man would fitch if he got opportunity.
They did not seem to be actuated by a
spirit of gain, as the stealings were
small, but the, idea was to beat some
one. | could not suppress them entire
ly, but kept them in check by playing
the same game. One day, after | had
stolen sum amounting to about eleven
cents from the coat Of porter hang
ing UP in the warehouse, he came to
me and said:
"'Senor, l would make an under
standing with you
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
THE RESULT OF A "sNUB. ="

Three days ago eX-Judge Tompkins
and wife left by stage for the railroad.
and they will not return to the Gulch.
They gave out that they were going to
winter in Florida, but this is mistake.
The Judge will winter in the peniten-
tiary at Columbus, Ohio, and his wife
will pass the next few years somewhere
in Pennsylvania. 1t might not have
been thus had they recognized certain
patent facts. AS mayor, postmaster.
editor, and so forth, we run this town
in a business way. AS a born leader
of society, we run 1t socially. Tho
Tompkins family refused TO be led.
They wanted to lead instead. In order
to dethrone us Mrs Judge gave a party
and did not extend us an invitation.
She let ii be known that we had been
given the cold snub, and that we were
the social king no more We received
the snub in silence, but opened up com
munication with a score OF points In
the East. Inside OF week we had
things down fine, and at the end OF an
other seven days the officers were here.
We are not a revengeful man, and we
are not disposed to play low-down, but
we give due warning that 1t is dam
gerous thing to snub us socially.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
FINDING THE TRAMP


upon a sack which had evidently fallen
Il saw it first. and so it is mine.'
exclaimed one.
you are liar by the clock. and |
take ALL" replied the other.
Il know it is flour. and l shall sell
it 10 the first peasant
1T is sugar. and you keep hands
off,
The dispute waxed hotter and hotter,
and finally ended in rough-and-tumble
fight The fellows were lying on the
ground, waiting for breath to renew
the struggle, when the noise of wheels
was heard, and a carter drove ID to
exclaim:
"Gee-whizz, but what are you chaps
up to in the dust?"
st was my sack!" replied one as he
sat up.
1T was mine!" added the other as he
followed suit.
But you see it belongs to mel" said
the carter as he lifted it upon his wag-
on.
"Ah. but for this greedy rascal
should have had flour to seIl." lament
I ed the elder Traveller
And but for this lying scoundrel l
should now be bending under the
weight of hundred pounds of sugar."
replied the younger as he struck out
afresh.
Gentlemen" said the carter as he
watched the pair rolling about and
banging each other, ''the sack con-
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
some Plain Talk on Local oeeursne.
HE IS NO GENTLEMAN.

he ID M GEN1IEMAN.
Major Roper, who came here from
the East year or SO ago, and who
has taken the greatest pains to pass
himself OFF as a gentleman, made a
sad exhibition of himself one day last
week. The regular price for washing
a shirt in this town is twenty-five
cents. The work is always worth the
price. The Major had a shirt washed
and rendered twenty cents in pay
ment. The Cinnamon would not ac-
cept, and the Major descended to a
fisticuff affair which brought out half
the town. He found himself the sub
ject of such criticism that he paid
the other nickle and got out OF sight,
but our people had got line on him.
We may be far behind the East in
civilization, but we know a gentleman
when we meet him. In the first place,
he always has a shirt to be washed,
and in the next he never kicks at
the established price. Major Roper is
no gentleman. He may think he Is,
but that is as far as it goes. We have
lots of scrub men in Giveadam Gulch
who might shoot chinaman for the
good of society. but they wouldn't get
I'D a circus in his laundry over the
sum of five cents, nor yet of five dol
lars,
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
THE KING AND THE TRUTH TEL
FIR


One day the King made proclama-
ton that the person who would tell
him the greatest truth regarding him
self should receive great reward.
His subjects tumbled over each other
to rub him down with soft soap. One
told him that he was the greatest man
in the world, another that the noun
tains bowed to him; third that ma
tons trembled at his name; fourth
that he could do no wrong; and so
it went until hundreds had spoken. At
length came subject who said:
90, King, l am here to speak the
glorious truth"
Fire away" replied the King.
'You have neither learning nor dig
nifty; you get drunk and smash things;
whenever you go to war you get lick
ed. AS a ruler, you are but a bump
on a log. This is the greatest truth
of all, and | claim the reward
'You shall have it, replied the
King. my treasurer will be ordered
to pay you 10000 scudi for speaking
the truth to me, but a minute later
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

ings when he knew that we We're there
and the most conspicuous Of all pres
emit but manly dignity required that he
suffer and make no sign. A grown
man who will resort to any such petty
revenge as that of -balling house
should be forced into partnership with
a nursing bottle and made TO carry
around rag doll on his arm.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

and the three actresses in the com
pany had six offers of marriage apiece.
It was the biggest crowd and the best
show ever seen here, and other man
ayers who do not profit by the lesson
do not deserve luck. We do not want
too much of any enc thing in this
town. even if it is good thing.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

tains only feed for my chickens, but
don't stop on that accounts"
MORAL:
He who would make gain Of anoth-
er's loss is seldom benefited.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

of his sleigh and harness. or what
use to wake me? 1t was to be and Is
and to lose half an hours sleep is
foolishness."
But the poor traveller" persisted
the wife.
Now that he has been devoured OF
what use to pity him?" replied the
Peasant as he turned over to finish his
sleep.
MORAL.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
my executioner win be ordered to lop
on your head for not telling me lot
OF agreeable lies
MORAL:
The man who saws wood and says
nothing makes no enemies.

THE COTTAGER AND THE TRAMP.
One winters morning as the Cottager
was feeding his live stock and break
ing icicles off the cows horns, he came
upon the body of tramp lying in the
snow. He knew it was the body of a
tramp because the trousers bagged at
the knees, but finding a spark Of life
still left in the rigid body he picked it
up and bore it to his kitchen 1t took
fourteen hours to, thaw the fellow out,
and then he got away with more pro-
visions at single meal than the Cot
tagers whole family would have con-
sumed in week. In a day or two he
had fully recovered his cheek and be-
gan making himself at home. For two
weeks he run things after his own
fashion, but then the Cottager plucked
up courage to ask him when he intend
ed to move on.
about the 1st of next June" was
the reply.
But is this your gratitude to me for
saving your life?"
'.She is. Had you left me in the
snow should now be in Heaven, where
all is steam-heated and everything
cooked to order. You had to mix in
and bring me back to earth, and now
you'll have, to take care of me until I
get lonesome and conclude to move
on"
MORAL:
In seeking to do kindness we may
work an injury. A thawed-out tramp
is dangerous thing to fool with.
THE ROBBER AND THE PEASANT.
A Peasant who had seated himself in
the shade of a highway tree was pres
emily approached by a robber, who de-
manded his money or his life. In all
haste, and with smile on his face, the
Peasant shelled out all the coin he had.
and then threw in two coat buttons, a
iack-knife and a piece of string to boot.
You are queer old hayseed," OBJ
served the Robber, as he gathered up
the plumber. There are dozen men
working in the field over there, and one
shout from you would have brought
help and sent me flying"
Yes, l realized all that" replied the
Peasant, but knowing that you had set
your heart on robbing me | could not
bear to disappoint you
"You are either a fool or else you
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

Christopher Columbus. The Kicker will
open It's columns to him with pleasure,
but he understands and IL In perfect
accord with us, that under no circum-
stances can We 60 back over 400 years.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

would make guy 81 me, exclaimed
the Robber, and he thereupon fell upon
the Peasant and thnmped him until the
poor man was nearly dead of his in
juries.
MORAL:
Virtue is sometimes rewarded twice
over.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14
MORAL.

Worry makes nothing better.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-05-14

In seeking to do kindness we may
work an injury. A thawed-out tramp
is a dangerous thing to fool with.
The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-11-24
VARIETIES.

If an orator is word painter, a
lecturer in deaf and dumb institute
must be sign painter.
1t might be we'll for the conceited
man to remember that the smallest
onion is stronger than the largest
pumpkin.
When he talks in his sleep it is
about the only time man can get his
wife's absorbed, undivided attention.
-"Oh, say, this photograph makes
me look a downright ass, don't-cher-
know !" my dear sir, We consider it
an excellent likeness"
-"Beans regarded as Food" is the
heading in a contemporary. That is
the way beans should be regarded.
Anyone who would regard beans as
beverage would be away off.
WHATS mans chief end, Willie2"
Scotch Willie: "If he's a runner, it's
his feet; if he's a minister, it's his held;
an if he's fitba player, it's bath his
feet and his held"
why was Mr.. Sweet offended
when they asked him to impersonate
the Sand Man in that tableau ?" HE
seem to take it as personal slur. You
see, he's a sugar merchant"
-"Stop where you are" an absentee
Irish landlord wrote to his agent, land
If my tenants think they will alarm
me by threatening to shoot you, they
little know the man they have to deal
with"
With horrid imprecation the in
furiated woman sprang forward,
another word, !" she shrieked, raising
her clinched hand, land I'll beat you
to jelly ?" 81 won't jell p retorted
the other woman, doggedly.