davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
HUMOROUS

"Is ne . prosperous physician?
should say SC. He manages to collecE
nearly half OF what is owing to him.
The Rival.
Minnie-"I wonder il she takes some
thing for that smooth complexion" :"
Mamie-"No: ] think she gave some,
thing for it."-lndianapolis Journal.
The curtain went up four times after
the first act" Ibid it: Must hav- been
quite HIT" Not necessarily 1t went
up for four more acts-'-Stray Stories.
The Nurse-''rwins. And bcys."
The Father-'Good! Now we shan't
have TO decide whether Sampson or
Schley is the hero Of Santiago."-Ee-
troit Journal.
Mrs. Skinnem .What! Tender
young chickens for hoarderse:-' Mrs.
|Grabail-"Sh! II takes their breath
away so they don't eat uu,hin' at ALL"
Chicago Journal.
Litigant-'.My fathers will provides
that ] shan't get cent il contest. Can
you break ii?" Lawyer--In the letter.
but TO be prefectly candid, probably
not in effect. ."-Dstroit Journal.
Jones-''I don't know what's the mat.
ter with my furnace; il doesn't heat the
house at ALL" Smith-"Does IL draw all
righi? Jones-"I should say it does.
Ii draws about nine-teEths Of my sal
airy every week."-Chicago Daily News
ayes. dear children said the teach
er. I'VE must throw away our naughty
faults. They are like wormy chest
nuts. Now. what Go you 10 with Il
wormy chestnut when you fnd one.
Jane may answer" ..Please. ma'am
give il to me little brother. Petie."-
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
MUSIC HATH CHARMS.

had solliered alongside Lawton on a
number of critical occasions. He wen,
up 10 Lawton's quarters to have . word
with "the beak." otherwise the "oId
man." about this music business.
'Tbe boss wind jammer." said the sol
Gier 10 Lawton. surely is rubbin' it ir
onto US some," and he told the COM
nanding officer of the only terms the
bardmasier would accept.
Does he want ii in advance?" in
quirsd Lawton. rubbing his chin re-
Aeciively.
Hes got it in his pants pocket now. "
replied the soldier. 1--WE had to give
up on the spot"
".llI right" said Lawton. "Let il 20
at that"
The old noncom. left Lawfon.s pres
ence somewhat surprised and aggrieved
st the matter-of-fact fashion with
which the commanding officer took his
report cn the sinallness of the band
master.
The enlisted mems hop came or all
right. II was largely attended by the
sweethearts of the soldiers in the sd-
joining city. and 1t was bowling SIC
cess. The bands music was only fair
ish. however. and the bandmastcr.
from his platform perch. regarded the
uniformed dancers on the floor with
contempt sIumbering in his eyes.
Along toward two o'clock In the morn
ing Col. Lawton made his appearance
on The door. He enjoyed the spectacle
of bis men having good time. and be
told the boys TO go ahead and keep the
dance going until reveille IL they want
ed 10. Then he left the ball.
The hop broke mp about hall IN hour
before rrseiile. and the soldiers made
!. tor seeis vpss'sss y Ut Esady 70 s!as4
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
SHE IS ASLEEP.

- h asleep. but IL the cuiet ran
ana Deaths cold garb around her form
should be.
How fondly would my bleeding heart reca.
The loving labors of her life for me-
The kindly deeds he. tired hands have
done.
The kindly words her gentle lips hath
said
Her hearts dear faith since mine and hers
were one.
Would all come back to me if she were
dead.
II my neglect had ever grieved her breast,
And OF her tears had ever been the cause
II unresponsive when she has caressed,
Or, from her heart withheld mine owns
applause.
would recall all my unkindress now,
Above her bier regre;ful tears would
shed.
And laying kisses on her dead, cold brow,
Relate the virtues Of the life she led.
But what could this avail the pulseless
Could tears call back again the absent
breath.
Or kisses on her lips their smiles could
start.
Or praises please the unheeding ear OF
death?
She hath been faithful-let me Kiss her
now,
While my caress can make her dear heart
glad,
Nor wait till death has settled on her brow.
To tell the greatness OF the soul she had.
All. We neglect the praise which is so dear
To loving ones who labor day by day.
And walt till death has laid them in their
bier.
IN IN, ,ann c1o
Nv W. Morrison. in n. o. Times-Demo-
cr0c.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
In CHARITY'S NAME.
How the Illinois Humane Society
Performs Its Mission.
it, Omcers Protect Not only HoM =
less and Abused ChlIdrea. hut
Take Care OF Dumb CreA.
lurea as We'll.
Especial Chicago L.e,ter.l

Especial chicago Letter.I
Rescuing children from unnatural
parents. putting horses GU, Of their
misery. protecting jack rabbits from
the cruelty OF careless sIor,s-
men. befriending homeless dogs. and
even meEiing the broken legs oi
ca.s-ihese are a few OF the count
less acts Of goodness performed by
the Illinois Humane society. Moth
irg is too great. nothing is too smal;
for its brave officers 10 attempt. The
most trivial complaint is Investigated.
the most groundiess rumor Is traced TO
its source. For % years this society
has been erdeavcring TO ameliorate the
sufferings of the human and the brute
kind. Withom; hope of glory or OF gain
it has been steadfast in its purpose.
Sometimes il has been without funds.
but never without courage. To most
people il is a name only. They do not
realize the scope of its work; they do
not know the good that it accompiishes.
rot alone in actual deeds, but as pre-
ventati.e Of cruelty. The fear Of prose.
cution. just and unreienting, save.
many haIf-starved child, many poor
dumb brute from the infiiction OF un-
told misery. The names OF John G..
Shortall aud his faithful officers strike
terror into the hearts of the drivers of
children and Of beasts.
The methods OF the society are sys-
tematic and regular. Each mail brings
in complaints. OF necessity the officers
must rely upon others for their inior-
nation. and every investigation must
he very carefully made. Experience
has taughtthem that as rule domestic
troubles should he avoided. Women
food the society with complaints
against their husbands, but % times out
of ITO. il an arrest is made. reient. pay
the fine out of their own hard earnings
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

ard 20 home joyfully with the forgiven
| one.
When word is received that horse !.
MANNED or suffering from any cause
the ambulance is brought into use. The
society has never yet had enough
money to own liz own horses. and when
an animal is 10 be removed the owner
or responsible person is called upon ia
supply this deficiency il he can. Other
| wise the horses are furnished by the
:ity. The only cost attached1o taking
\ horse TO its stable is small fee for
the services Of the driver of The ambu
lance. There are two Of these ambu-
lances. Que was given 10 the society
IL years ago by Ferd W. Peck. The
other, which is modern and finely
equipped. was purchased by the So
ciety about a year ago. When horse
reaches the stable the services OF a
veterinery surgeon are employed and
remedies are applied unless the case is
hopeless. In the latter event the ami
NAL is shot.
Frowzy dogs and bedraggled cats are
received with open arms. The Office {
$50 Wabash avenue is q veritable hos
pital for the canine with brass collar
and long pedigree; "the mongrel. pup
py, whelp and hound, and cur of low
deSree;" the Angora feline with her
certificate OF noble ancestry. and the
all-around backyard prowler without
friends or family. All are welcome. and
without distinction of race, sex, or
previous conditions Of servitude. 1t is
q case OF first come first served. The
couch Of "Limpy-Iame-Dog." the
tramp, is as soft as the bed of "Fido. :"
the pampered pet. So with PUSSY"
and the rest Of them.
There is sometimes q ludicrous side
that peeps through the sombreness Of
the work Of caring for these poor dis
abled creatures. just the other day
q woman appeared with little weaz-
ened pug in her arms.
lit is best that be should die" said
she, mournfully. "Rut, oh. ! cannot
hare him shot! Give him these pills
aad let him calmly sleep his little -ifc
away. oh. promise me you'll do this.".
Then there is another woman whose
sole aim in life seems to be TO cnase Up
dccrepit and enfeebled cats. She scours
the highways and the byways and her
efforts are crowned with most remark
able success. Scarcely day passes that
she does not send TO the room OF the
society a choice collection OF cats in
ri! stages of mental and physical dis
order. These cats, she writes. must be
killed, but her instructions are explicit
10 the effect that they must not be shot.
Tie only death tina. she will allow is
The use of chloroform. The officers are
silent, but her instructions, Of course.
cannot be obeyed.
One Of the great annoyances with
which the society has to contend IS the
wanton cruelty toward birds on the
rart Of the small boy. Ills offenses are
numerous in this direction. but il is diff
ficult to locate th~m.
.If the birds were killed outright Il
wouldn't Be 50 bad" said Jnhn c.
Forbes. assistant secretary or ihe 90
ciety. '.but th.y are wounded and dis
atled by sliagshots and made captives
and abused. But the greatest vigilance
10 exercised 10 prevent offenses Of this
kind aud every el1ori Is l.,de TO hunt
y he guilty psssosA 0l course u
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

what this queer line of talk was all
about ut such an early hour in the
morning.
.Well, | know" went on Lawton.
Its about as musical body OF soldiers
as ever ] had the honor 10 command.
But. musical as these men are" contin.
ued the commanding officer, sweeping
his arms around the quadrangle
formed by the barracks. I'm in
command OF another outfit in
this post-an auxiliary outfit, il
is true-the component members OF
which are also very fond Of music. ]
refer to my mules. I've often taken no.
tice Of the fondness of those mules OF
mine for music. Randmaster. you Gre
10 at once assemble your band. in
heavy marching order. taking not more
than Is minutes for this purpose. and
:hen you are 10 march the band down
to the corral. Arriving there. you are
TO begin varied programme Of select
music. and you are to play with spirit
and precision. and not lag in your en-.
thusiasm. I'll be around from time to
time to see that you attend 10 these or
ders. See that you do attend TO them"
The soldiers were dismissed from
quarters. They bolted their breakfast.
snd repaired TO the corral in body.
Then they stretched themselves out cn
the grass in easy attitudes. chewing
straws and watching the performance.
The perspiring members OF the baud
turned up promptly at the end of the
Is minutes, and began to play for the
mules; and the mules cooked up their
ears lazily and ke-hawed and ke-hunkrd
appreciatively for some time. The sun
rose high in the heavens. and yet the
bandsmen played on. Shortly before
noon :he commanding officer arrived.
'Give those mules the overture from
Tannhauser," he ordered. land ] guess
that will do for the present"
When that was done. he beckoned
the bandmaster to him and said: II
10 not think that you have treated your
comrades generously. and believe that
you should readjust the price OF the
hop music. You may now march the
band to quarters" Half an hour LATER
the bandmaster called on the chairman
Of the music committee, and handed
him a $50 gold piece. saying:
I'D vos q mishtake. was only foolin'
NIT you fellers." SMITH D. FRY.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

| would be impossible for the officers 4
DO ail this work unaidcd. They have
the best assistance that can be obtain. d
Seventy-five thousand children hav.
signed the pledge of the Band Of Merry
They have solemnly vowed 10 be moi
ol'y kind. gentle aud humane them
selves 10 all living creatures. but they
have also taken il upon themselves I,
encourage the spirit in others, and have
promised 10 report al; eases that should
he the subject for action on The part II
The Humane society"
But the greatest number OF com
plants sent in is in regard to iucorrgi'
bic and runaway boys. Sometimes the
rareEis are nj fault. and in thai even,
they are prosecuted. but IN the ma
jcrity of cases il is the fault Of the boys
themselves. After boy has been ar
rested for incorrigibiity petition j.
sent 10 the county court and an en-
Geavor is made TO place him in some N.
sfiiu,ion. This is not always an easy
matter 10 bring about, owing 10 HE
fact that these institutions are always
overcrowded and all manner Of excuses
are made TO prevent the acceptance ol
additional inmates. A case iu point is
that OF boy who was recently taken
t. the society by his mother. who is
too poor to supper, him. The child Is
a cripple aud weak mentally. The so
cic,y first took him to the home for
fcebIe-minded youths, but he was 6e-
med admission there on the ground that
he was a cripple and should lie pro-
vided for at the home for crippled chi!-
dren. At the latter institution the of
f:ters said J, belonged to the place
where he had been refused admission.
ard the doors were closed against him.
Tie result is that the boy is still with
lis mother. who is struggling 10 give
him a scan:y existence.
Another problem that demands atten-
ton is the employment Of young chill
dren on the stage. In New York city
the practice is simply prohibited. and
this fact alone floods Chicago with
youthful talent. Here the law is not
so stringent, and great many things
are taken into consideration the
moral character OF the place Of amuse-
men, at which they appear: then the
physical strain on the children, and.
lastly, the financial condition Of the
parents. The Humane society has re-
Gently prohibited several children from
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

Mr.. De Cash-Very sorry, my dear
but cannot accompany you to-day.
must attend a meeting Of the board Of
directors Of the Happy-Go-Lucky ma
tionai bank.
Mrs. De Cash-What have you to dc
with that institution
Il am one Of the board of directors =
"You never attended meeting OF the
board before, and don't see why you
should break up my programme for that
to-day"
But. my dear. this meeting is impor-
tant. 1t is to find out how our cashier
managed to steal $500.0O without our
knowing it."-N. y. Weekly.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
Weneaes ee Bank klnx.

George say. Jack. change me =
five. won't you?
Jack-l haven't more than enough
for lunch and car fare in my pocket.
Fact is, don't carry money loose in
my pockets any more. Iput il in the
bank and pay by check.
II don't care to bother with checks
I always carry money in my pockets.
ard ! never misc . cent"
"Y-e-s. but you are NOT married"
Y. Weekly.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

Sifkins-Ye gods, look at Briggs.
Isn't he stuck up? What's the matter
with him that he's grown so proud all
Of q sudden? Has he made fortuue
or
Blimley-No. his wife sent him down
town the other day 10 match some
cloth for her, and he came within two
shades Of getting the right c0lor.-Tit-
Rifa
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
A valuable Maxim.

Ssdie-Mamma. mayn't have q piece
Of that lemon pie?
Mammal think il best that you
shouldn't. my dear. You know the las,
time you ate a piece it disagreed with
you.
Sadie-l know il. mamma. but you
know yon have always taught me 10
live up to the rule: IF at first you dom,
succeed. try. try again. Cou-
rief.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

Little Ethel-Msmna. what does it
rain for?
Mrs. De HomeIy-To make the trees
and grass grow and everything grow
pretty.
Little E,hel-Then why doesn't IL rain
on bridget ?-Cincinnaii Enquirer.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

"How do you feel" friend once In
quired OF Bill Nye. in the earlier days.
when an editor accepts one Of your
contributions"
AS it," promptly responded the hu-
morist. I'D like to 20 10 Heaven soc
to have the pleasure Ct meeting MIN
again."
But" pursued his friend. suppose
he refuses it?"
''Oh. then" murnsred Biil Nye. with
an innocent. far-away look on his face
- feel o II I'D IKE to 90 10 the sane
place 10 get ont Of meeting hin aysia.- :
-uTo0kIyp Mls.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
.r..r.e l..e legm VYinEs.

Highgesr-Ilow did Sprockets come
10 amash the ten-miie record?
Bearing-We told him just before he
started that his wife had sent for him
10 come home sed mind The bsby.-N.
y. Wvsid.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
Dian't Mean 70.

Little Bessie. having been punished
ter msbehavior, walked to the other
end Of the room. crying.
When her sobs had sabsided. her
mother turned to view her repentance
but found her engaged n making faces
at her.
-Why. Bessie" said her mother. ''how
can you do so?" 60
.Oh, mamma, answere tie girl
quickly, Il was trying to smi.e at you.
but my face s.ipped."-Cincinnati En-
quirer.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
saved Hla Tine

I've come to see your husband in the
interest Of the Knights of Labor. Mrs.
Reagan" said bland. elderly man. as
the mistress OF the Reagan household
answered his ring.
He amt to home." said Mrs. Rea-
gan, with arms akimbo; ''but l can
promise you one thing. sorr. and that is.
you'll get niver night o labor
ont av Tim Reagan. and it's no use try
in! Sure and he'd knock on work in
the daytime, il it wasn't for me keepin'
at him till I'm that wore out there's no
stren'th lift in me."-Youth's Com
panion.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
He Wasa,t Perfes

Gi.es-I just heard that Hawkins re
ferred to me rs perfect idiot.
Smi!es-Oh, don't mind what Hawk
ms says; he always does exaggerate
mere or less. I'm sure no one oe eieyes
you are perfect. -, Chicago Evening
Eewx.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

"Ah! II our youthful ideas could but
be realizedi"
'.If they could ne would be circus
Aetorx. truck drivers or pirates, the
ness Of us'-lRdiezapo1is Iossnsl, II
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
ard 90 home joyfully with the forgiven apr

!; appearing on the stage. The SeEol
twins. boys Of eight years who sppeare,
as boxers at q downtown theater an,
whose parents were in conform bic cir
ormstances. were among this number
| Another case OF Intervention was tha
O. tiny japanese girl whose balancing
act was rendered dangerous owing Il
the old age and therefore the unsieaGi
| ness Of the nerves Of the father, wht
| Was supposed TO catch her in the even
| Of accident
In no case has il ever been found n, c
| essary to remove from exhibition an,
performing animal. rs i, has been fairl,
proved that such performances ar,
alone induced by kindness.
Carrying little children on bicycle,
has become SO prevalent that I. hs'
teen deemed proper to interfere as fal
AS practicable. There il no law agains
the practice, which. OF course. mak.s il
impossible 10 secure . conviction. \
case was tried not long ago. however
and q nonsuit was entered and the mat,
ter left to the judgment and love OF Ia.
parents.
Probably the work Of the society TIA,
is most in evidence 10 the erection oI
TIE drinking fountains at importan:
points in various parts Of The city
There are - of these fountains. aud
three more will he constructed IN the
spring. all at the expense OF the So
ciety. The value Of these public drink
irg places during the heated term 10 in.
cstimable.
have endeavored to show briefly the
duties of the Illinois Humane society.
S.Lce the year Of its charter. 1860. 4 has
proceeded nncomplainingly with its
self-imposed tasks. The work Of its OF.
fscers is nearly all given without charge.
There are only a few cases. when the
entire time Of the officers is given, that
small salaries are paid. The president.
John G. Shortal.. has labored long and
earnestly for the society without COM
pensation. The board Of directors is
composed Of such representative men
rs Ferd w. Peck, Henry N. Hart, Alison
y. Clark. Philip ID. Armour. Marshall
Field. Franklin Macveagh and Luther
l aflin Mills. Although 4 state institu-
ton. no appropriation is made for the
maintenance OF the organization. II is
supported entirely by subscriptions.
The scope OF its labors may be shown
BY the facts that last year 4.1s3 CON-
plants were Investigated. 563 children
rescued, $50 children placed in char
table institutions, 736 horses rescued.
ESQ horses laid up from work. 15s ani-
nails removed tJ ambulance. lis dis
ab!ed animals shot. lo7 persons prose-
cnted for cruelty to animals and 40 per-
sens prosecuted for cruelty to chiloren.
FREDERICK BOYD STEVENSON.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

Tarentuls Jim Ito his fair partner)-
Az! conld jes: die waltxin'!
Polecat Pete (overhearing himl-
iou will. il keteh yoa daucia' With
Nv eal aS'iR:-Psck
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18
Owner.hip q. weaalng Prese.t q.

A recent decision in Springfield.
Mass. rs to the ownership Of wedding
presents is that where such presents
are sent to the bride before marriage,
rs T. the custom, the presents are her
property. and remain 50 even II sep
sgatien takes plscs sfttr marriage.
St. Tammany farmer. [volume] (Covington, La.) 1874-current, 1899-02-18

now e. 8I000 0ckA 0CCKottAs
The English have always been enter
priEing in their me.nods OF recruiting.
and keep themselves up to date. Capt.
Eardley Wilmot. of the British navy, is
giving lectures on the development OF
that service. They are popular lectures.
illustrated with lantern slides, and the
object evidently is to present the navy
to the public in an attractive and honor
able light. In his lecture Capt Wilmot
dealt with the seameD and marines. ex-
planning their duties and manner of lir-
ing on board ship. Together these two
lectures have been great success. \
similar course would be valuable in ti,is
country. When recruits are wanted in
the navy the government could well af-
ford to try this system as a method of
recruiting Much could be done with
lantern lectures. and il the yitascope
were used there would be no doubt of
the extreme popularity Of the measure.
ARMY and Navy Journal,