Omaha daily bee., 1899-12-15
A SMILE or TWO.

Chicago Tribune: 1T is my duty to tell
you" said his physician, that your condi-
tion is a very serious one.
DO the best you can for me, doctor"
groaned Mr.. Bullion. 1T is such dis
grace to die rich!'
Somerville Journal: Human nature is a
queer thing You realize this when you
look at other people.
, chicago Record; MADAM, you can't
carry your umbrella, that baby and band
box and hold your dress up; let me assist
you by carrying your bandboN."
mo, that's got my new hat in 1t; you
carry the baby
! cleveland Plain Dealer; "why is Agui-
naldo like a man who lives by his wits?'
He carries his capital with him"
Chicago rimcs-Herald:." :."Havc you bought
any Christmas presents YETI asked the
"oh, dear, no; not yet" replied the one
In brown. "Why / have only succeeded
in looking over the things in three of the
department stores as yet doubt II
shall do any buying for another week
Baltimore News: "No. sir" said the OBJ
durate tradesm man, "youll have to pay cash
before the goods are delivered"
"1d like to know why?' demanded the
"'HiH "Wen. replied replied the tradesman, deter
minedly,, IT'S a matter Of principle with YIN
me don't tos, want srb to plasff ITnsf mYset IN the
HpSitlDi' VI iVSNN''''o " - 49,
Chicago Tmes-Herald; yes, the bibles
all right, all men ere liars.
What makes YOU think soY
IL have never yet asked guest Mt my
house whether he liked light or dark meat
best without being told that he had no
preference"
Detroit journal: The naval hero was
wounded to the quick by this latest
1T was not enough to accuse me of hay
ing hidden behind the coming tower dur
tion. "They must needs furthermore in
s!nuate that have nothing tattooed on my
arm"
Then he cursed the day OF his being be-
guiled into politics.
Chicago Post: Young man" said the old
gentleman, my daughter is too young to
marry. girl of her age cannot be sure of
her own mind in matter of such impor-
tance."
"I fully realize that" replied the young
man, who had Just secured the fair ones
consent. That's why don't want to wait"
Chicago Times-Herald: "You advertised,
| believe. that you would tell women how
to be beautiful"
81 did"
We'll, I'd like to know how"
Certainly, certainly, Two dollars. Thank
YOU The surest way is to be born beauti-
full. Call again some time
Chicago Timcs-Herald: mo" she said
to her wealthy but elderly suitor. my
heart tells me | can never love you"
"Then II is all over he said, bitterly.
"Oh. not at ALL" she replied quickly.
MY heart doesn't tell me that 1 cannot
marry you"
Chicago Tribune Last time I heard of
Miss .Flyppe she was engaged to young
PedunCle."
Wei, that's off. She's going to marry
foreigner"
Are YOU sure that won't he off. too?"
''Im sure it will. He's a Russian"
Washington Star: who is your favorite
author?" inquired the young woman who is
autographs.
81 don't know what his name is" replied
Agunaldo, But the man who wrote He
who fights and runs away may live to fight
another day certainly knew his business"
Chicago Tribune: Mr.. Chugwater--I see
they've found they can make a pretty good
water bucket out of straw.
Mrs Chugwater-I thought that would be
he next thing. According to the papers
hey'Ve been making straw balls ever so
ong.
Tonst.
Detroit Tribune.
Here's to you, Mr.. Boer! While we wish
Of course you might
Trim up your whskers just a bit, you're
handy in "A fight
You never use cosmetics Cat least that's
what they say)
But you gobble up the British in a most
convincing way