Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1899-09-28
THE EMPEROR AND DEWEY DAY.


Scene: Morning at White House. The
Emperor has just finished reading Sun
editorial and is in jovial mood. He
huns a few lines from the comic opera,
1.-THE Mortgaged Monarch
'sing no, sing hi, for the jolly jelly fish
that | am.
I'm a lobster. I'm a clam.
I'm the boss of Uncle Sam.
| wriggle and twist and flip and flop,
Or backward l move with convenient ease,
Just any old way TO suit or please.
Sing no, sing hi, I'm the wonderful
spineleSs clam,
A slippery eel is what | am,
For the laws of the land care not -
.'Heavens, What is that internal noise?"
deep cannonading heard without.
Enter glory crowned Griggs in great
haste.
Griggs-''Most gracious majesty, Dewey
has returned
Emperor-"Ungratefu man. he should
have remained in the Philippines ten years
longer-they are so much better than the
Isle du Diabe. But tell me. Griggsy, has
he been interviewed again?''
Griggs-"He has sire, and he is still ex-
pressing opinions
Emperor-"Oh that he were deaf and
dumb! Griggsy. he talks too much. BIT
prythee, did he critcise the adorable
Otis?'
Griggs- Beloved majesty. he did-he
said of this affair in the Philippines
Emperor with vehemence)-"Ah--
The Philippines. cursed Philippines!
Blasters of my happiest dreams!
Murderers of ambitions hope!
Cuss,. with blistering curses,
Cuss the Philppines!"
'How's that, Griggsy?D
Griggs-"Sire, that is excellent"
Emperor-"1t expresses, in a mild form,
my private sentiment. But has that Dew
ey committee at New York been informed
in cold but polite language that will not
be present."
'Griggs-"It has, sire"
Emperor-'And all of my official family
have likewise sent chilly but polite re-
fusals to attend?"
Griggs-"Your wishes have been COM
piled with, SIRE"
Emperor with satisfaction)-"Ah, what
pretty old reception that man Dewey
will have-I will be absent--no swelling
cheers and deep huzzas-nothng but cold
silence. But Griggsy, he brought it all
upon himself by opening his face in oppo-
sition to his king. Unhappy man. And
Griggsy, advise my Lord of the Admiralty,
Long, that if this man Dewey opens his
physiognOmy again about the Philippines
to send him immediately-at once-instant-
er-to the north pole, not even allowing
him time to change his shirt. Send him
there at once to protect our interests
Griggs-'It shall be done, your majesty,
and it is a good idea-a wise one, sire
Emperor-'And may l inquire why, your
grace?"
Griggs-"Several persons and papers
have mentioned Dewey for the Presiden-"
Emperor (starting UP in th)-"Treas-
on! Treason, | say!" Clears several news
papers to pieces. kicks the waste basket
through the window and throws a paper
weight through a picture of George Wash
ington. He becomes calm and stops before
Griggsy. "Griggsy, do you see anything
that looks like an icicle sticking up from
the back of my neck?"
Griggs (after examination mo, your
majesty, I see nothing
Emperor (shvering)- news, then,
has given me another chill. Haste. Grigg-
sy and have me sent some hot towels,
bottle of tabasco sauce, a dozen mustard
plasters, hot foot bath and a blanket.
Get thee hence, Griggsy, and leave me to
my solitude" exit Griggs Menials from
the palace enter with mustard and hot
water, etc. The Emperor opens a copy of
the Sun, then falls into a gentle doze.)
Curtain.