Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-07-30
HE'S MUCH OFFENDED
THE IDLER COMPLAINS ABOUT a
CERTAIN RURAL HOST.
He WANTS The EARTH FOR $3.50,
And Cannot See why the Country
People Don't Take Him ut His True
Worth and Make his Existence n
Dream Of PIcasure--cry for Help.

we hdu d SOod nome but left II.
There are others, but this doesn't
console us. Misery may love COM
pany, as they say, but companion
ship doesn't alleviate unhappiness. To-
day I'm so sad that II hurts. and
I've gotten TO such a point of despera-
ton that I'm reading the want no.
tices in a newspaper two weeks old.
When a man gets down that low he's
hard pushed If you could arrange to
send me last New Years edition Of the
Dispatch l believe / could thoroughly en-
JOY studying the statistics printed there
in. Or If / even had an old arithmetic
could get gay working sums. It's
simply horrible having nothing to do
that is, when your salary stops during
the interval.
No, don't mean to ssy that we are
on desert island and that 1 am wander
ing around with a white cotton umbrella
and a fint-lock musket and my wife's
bearskin nun around my waist for cloth
ing Far be it from me TO deceive an
innocent man like yourself. We are still
in the State Of Virginia, though not on
the convict farm at Goochand. In fact.
We are voluntary exiles on this desert
spot doing time at $40 a week. with
IAN abundance Of milk ana vegetables
ION the next farm, and time hanging 50
heavily that you could use il for ballast
on ship. Nobody is responsible for It
except ourselves-eXcept my wife. 1t
was she who tethered me in this lonely
spot and babe me eat grass like an OK.
We came in response TO those vague
feelings of unrest which Annually induce
thousands Of rational people to leave
comfortable homes and fly to ills they
know not Of. In other words. we fol-
lowed the promptings Of instinct and
migrated just as geese or sora would do.
only we are much sorer than the latter
birds would be after a sixty-days flight.
(Note splendid joke and pun)
Never vet have 1 been able TO bring
my splendid mind TO that point where l
could see why people become insane on
the subject Of leaving home in the sum-
mer and "roughing it" In isolated rural
sections where you can't break the mo-
notony with an axe. OF course If you've
got a country residence with asphalt
walkways. and hot and cold water, and
electric lights. and elevators, and tele-
phones and mosquito netting, and per-
fumed pigs. and cows that give real milk,
and plenty Of horses and bicycles and
electric cars and automobiles, and a soda
water fountain and restaurant not
fifty yards away, and three mails a day
and letter-carriers.' the life is luxurious
end sufficiently inspiring 10 cause you 10
write poetry. but otherwise you soon find
yourself longing to be IN a city chain
gang. Up AT our house. next door TO the
Mt Of
pies wants closet or room for every
separate article i'm the house. She has n
den for the boys. nursery for the
younger imps sewing-rOom, a camphOr
closet, a bathroom. and goodness knows
what ALL but every spring the summer
boarding mania seiZes her and no hard
ships can scare away her determination
TO leave the city. In order 60 get out Of
town she has 20 sew nine weeks. stint
herself for months, pack all OF our world
~ possessions I'm one or two trunks. and
labor assiduously at all hours 10 prepare
for the future. when she must keep the
children presentable and law-abiding. She
IS willing. however. 10 suffer all this self
denial Just so that she can hide herself
I'm the backwoods and wage perpetual
warfare on green apples and poison oak.
Each fall when she returns 10 her dust
smothered home and finds that the cook
has deserted her for good and all she
swears she will never GO away again, but
the following spring the same old symp-
toms reappear.
Nobody sympathizes with General
Shafter more than I do. All over the
country the newspapers have criticised
his conduct of the Cuban campaign ie-
cause he failed to land enough mules and
at. D.
But / don't blame the fat old rooster /
know something about moving an army.
My trip to Huckleberry Glen has taught
me what It is TO set a large crowd OF
people in motion and anticipate their
wants. When we left for this hermitage
we had with rs a variety Of articles
which, I'm point Of numbers. could not be
surpassed by the stock Of the D and 10
cent store. There was the mouse trap,
which the commandments persist
ed in taking. and which she baited ana
set under the car seat while we were on
the train. the baby carriage. the canary
bird cage. the portable wash-tub. the We
iocpede the bottle Of cold tea, the snack
for the juvenile contingent. the smelling
salts. and the days paper, which last
treasure j have learnt by heart since 1
entered this monastery. on the train we
repeat a hundred times. II was: Don't
stick your head out the car window" by
uttering this warning some 5000 times we
avoided the expense Of eight or nine juve-
nile funerals and managed to make the
day one of hopeless misery for ourselves.
There was a sheriff or some constabulary
officer on the cars. who had a prisoner IN
his custody. Vainly ! tried TO borrow
from this man "a pair of handcuns with
which to hold my offspring I'm check.
They courted death I'm a thousand ways
ATTEMPTED 10 leap through the windows.
dashed out on the platform, climbed over
the seats. wormed IN and out of the
aislcs while the train was turning curves,
and irritated the rest of the passengers
until / feared our whole party would be
mobDed. All around me l could see the
murderous glances of those who suffered
with us. but lacked the Christian resisna-
ton to bear up under it,
IT is not to be expected that we should
get for $3.50 per week children hHlf-prce,
&c) all the Iuxipies which the Waldorf
Astoria would furnish for $50 a day.
and were my host to supply these bless
ines my conscience would hurt me. Up TO
the present time however, this good man
has removed any embarrassments which |
might be offered by my conscience He Is |
resolutely living up 10 his part Of the |
contract. and strictly cOnfinng the cis-
charge Of his obligations to the $3.50 a |
week class. While his wife tiatters Us |
with the belief that we keep little |
Klondike under the bricks in our SKI
backyard. she is nevertheless good /
soul Indeed. she IS as kindly as Wo- |
man whose house is invaded by thirteen |