The St. Johns herald., 1899-04-01
F[A{aH22|2|EEJlr H2|2!EJ 2 -= ,32

better half" mean? Pa-Just what she says.-Life.
 "The minister asked me how 1 could defend the practice of skating on Sun day" What did you sayY T said i might thaw on Monday."-Puck.
 Papa (from the next room)-Ethel aren't you going to light the gas 1T there? Ethel-Yes, papa; we were just speaking of -er-striking a match Truth.
 Teacher-Now, children, what car you tell me about the immortal George Scholar-He knocked the spots out of the Spaniards at Manila. ma'am.- Judge.
 Ethel-You say he was wounded be fore Santiago? Jack-Yes, two months before. The President refused him g commission as major-general, you know.
 She-Oh. James, how grand the sea is. How wonderful. I do so like to hear the roar of the ocean. He-So do I, Elizabeth. Please keep quiet.-Lus- Hgen Blaetter.
 In the Circus.-"The tattooed girl is as pretty as picture, isn't sheY' "Oh. yes, whole lot of pictures. But. then, her beauty Is only skin deep" ."-Phila- delphia Bulletin.
 "JOking aside, madam, two girls have gone insane from love of me-and you say you really cannot love me?' "No. baron" "Third case of insanity!'- Fliegende Blaetter.
 Cholly Ricketts Gragically)-Refuse me, dearest, and shall enter a mon astery and be a monk. Maude Sum- merflirt-Monastery Don't you mean a menagerie ?-Puck.
 Old Millyuns-Young man, my daugh' ter tells me you kissed her last night, Percival Tootles-Well, if she wants to go Dragging about 1t, that's her priVi- lege.-Chicago Record.
 Young Father-What would you name her? Father-in-law-Why. name her Maria Teresa. It will cost a small fortune to raise her, and as soon as she's raised you'll lose her."-Judge.
 Weary Willie-Ef you he'd million dollars, Fields, wot would you do wit it? Flowery Fields-W'y, I wouldn't do nutt'n wit in-I'd jess rest easy and let 1t do sutt'n wit me.-Truth.
 And can you always judge of a mans character by the way he laughsT' asked Miss Westend. "Oh, no! not by the way he laughs, but by what he laughs at," said the social philosopher.
 Everybody seems to be on an equal Ity in Klondike," said the shoe clerk boarder. ''Yes," said the Cheerful Idiot, lone man can cut as much Ice as another up e."-Indianapolis Jour nal.
 Paw" asked the little boy, "what Is a brain-workerT' "A brain-worker," said the old man, "is man who has to spend all his salary in dressing up to the position he holds. Typographical Journal.
 Mir. Gotrox-What would you expect me to do for my daughter if you mar ried her? Georgie Goodthing Slightly embarra ssed - -You-er-wOuldn't be willing to die for her, would you!- Judge.
 "You can't tell what is going to tura m in politics." remarked the sage. "That isn't the worst of 1t" remarked the New York statesman. You cant tell who is going to be turned down. Washington Star.
 Beggar-Madam, would you please help an old soldier along who has seen many battles? Benevolent Lady (hand- ing him shilling)-Where-lndia or Egypt? Beggar-In the iPstrated pa ners. mum.-Tit-Bits.
 MT. Harix (after reading letter from son at college)-JOhn says he is quar- terback. Mrs. Harix-Wa-al, send him th' quarter, an let him pay up. we can't afford 10 hev him in debt fer tn sake nv a small sum like thet.-Judge.
 "Mr. Scatterton brides himself on heinz strictly impartial" "Yes," an- swered the unamiable man, Il once went hunting with him. He didnt seem to care whether he hit the rabbit. the dog or one of his friends. Wash ingtOn Star.
 Young lady-YOu are a wonderful master of the piano, hear. Professor von Spieler (hired for the occasion)-I play aggompaniments sometimes. Young lady-Accompaniments to sing ing? Professor von Spieler-AggOm- paniments to gonversations.-Tit-Bits.
 Customer-Look here! The first time I used this cheap umbrella bought or you, the black dye soaked out and drip ned all over me. Dealer-Mein frient that was our new patent self-detective umbrella. If any one should steal that, you'd know him by his clothes.-Tit- Bits.
 .What's thisY asked the baggage man, as the man with the truck tossed a well-wrapped bundle into the car. "A feather bedY "Yes, sir," spoke up the owner, standing on the depot plat form and grinning maliciously, with trunk on the inside of 1t. Throw 1t as hard as you please"
 Former employer-And so you are a newspaper man now, Jimson? Jimson Yes, sir, Pm the editor of the job de partment. Former employer-Editor of the job department? Jimson--Yes, sir; I carries in coal. and scrubs the foorr and washes down the windows, and all such editin' as that, sir.
 Mrs. Newlywed-That is our new hnrolar-alarm -YOu see. if q burglar