The times., 1899-07-31
ENGLISH WEIRD AND WILD.
Specimens of the Language ns Writ
ten by ForeigucrS.

Specimens of the Language ns Writ
ten by Foreigners.
a little knowledge OF the English Ian
guage is a dangerous thing and when the
possessor of the imperfect snattering at
tempts to express his thoughts on paper.
strange and wonderful results of;ines fol-
low, and the humor OF the nations is
greatly benefited thereby. The initerate
American can produce many terrible effects
in fractured Anglo-Saxon when determined
to make his wants known. but these efforts
are painfully iarring in many cases. Il is
when the intelligent foreigner who does
not comprehend the intricate mysteries of
the manner OF American literature at
tempts to express himself through mis- pen
that the really humorous specimens of the
art OF stringing words result, and even the
fates are forced to smile and deal gently
with the author.
The unconscious hun,or of many sam
pies of the latter efforts is made the fun
nier because OF the dread seriousness of il
all to the writer end the weird pleading
which begins at the end OF letter and
ends at the beginning cannot but temper
smiles with good natured pity and desire
to aid the unfortunates. In many cases,
.
flowing brilliancy Of his language that the
results are ridiculous.
A we'll known local music dealer, who IS
forced to employ a corps of transiators
that he may learn the wishes OF many OF
his patrons when they attempt to write
English, has gathered a collection OF let
tiers which have been received in the course
OF business and which. if it were not real
lied that they were written in good faitA,
would form a volume of humorous fiction.
AS the correspondence deals entirely with
the music trade and the use of names
would hardly be proper, a few samp-e5
have been secured and are copied verbatim
When the samples have been ,perused there
may yet remain doubt that the letters
are not fictitious, so wonderful and alarm
ing is their construction.
1t might seem strange that man who
can express his very thoughts in music
cannot do likewise in the English Ian
| guage, but 1t is sadly, painfully so. Here
| is what one devoted musician sends in when
ordering 4 bass string for cello:
"Sur-Pleas sen me on cellar baSts
String See
Were not the music dealer in question an
expert in hieroglyphics the trusting musl-
! clan might even now be waiting for his
i cellar baste See
The Teutons seem to have great difficulty
! in making their wants known, and musi-
! clans who can read the tangled maze OF
! Wagnerian compositions and interpret
them TO the world with ease fail when they
attempt TO ask an ordinary question IN
| English. Here is a letter from German
! who evidently had a harder wrestle with
! the language than he did with his violin:
Dear Sir: You send me the violin back
! 1t was not necessary. Yesterday | had the
! violin string up and PLAID it all over.
found it is very good instrument had
| to worke some places outside inside and
graduated il it was necessary to put base
I bar in you can be shore | dit, but If | can
halp it and have a coed Ton without a new
! base bar like that much better the tone
comes easger. Under the sounding part II
| the wood was to thin l would put a piece
| under but the wood is thick and the cracke
| is mented ard strong it is not neseeary l
rave the craeke and viii guarantee for ten
years.
You dit not send me tail piece button
and | had to take one from my own.
The music dealer states that he lost no
time in supplying the necessary tail piece
! button" SO as to allow the writer full
possession Of his own
That the Germans were interested in the
result of the Hispano-American war is very
evident from the following letter, which
explains itself:
/ Gentlemen: Confirming mine Of the
replying to it because the war scare had
spoiled the trade altogether. But as ac-
cording to the latest news the brave Amer
leans will be victorious as we did not
otherwise expect in the beginning, l fancy
there will be a brisk fall trade
1t might be added that the writer re-
ceived an order which he did not other
wise expect in the beginning.
i The following is from an American and
is about as bad a specimen OF spelling as
ever forced its way through the mails:
II will subscribe fur pris list of your
pianos and organs as found your apetise
that you will sell on In stall ment cash
terms.
.$3 per month 1 wont to be a agent fur
such Bisness I can sell lots in this county
think l could sell a bout $50 in a
mounth."
AS the writer failed to state where he
saw the "apetise" which caused him to
long to be "a agent fur such Bisness.'' his
desire was not gratified.
The last samples of English as she is
partitioned by the foreign mind are gems
in the art OF letter writing" 1t is not
difficult to see the author poring over his
English at glance when the following
appeals have been digeSted. The letters
are from an italian mandolin manufacturer.
who desires an order. and who. evidently,
does not possess typewriter or a knowl-
edge of English:
Dear Sir: Excuse the tardiness of my
to write motive of some trouble received
today with Express Co. you have Embarked
eight champions of mandolins differeltes
and / hope you shall RENAME satisfied.
That with the Maine ingraved not to be
! ! finished exact, motive that was the first
but next you shall have very exact work.
If you wish same plate of this species in
pearl and celluloid or mixed designs be-
, tween there you me shall send a order that
shall be ready exhausted. l please you
answer me hardly you snail receive tie
objects.
1t is evident that the first effort did not
take as the following is dated about three
weeks later:
Dear Sir: pray you answer me to my
letter if you please. From days wait anx-
, ious the your answer in order, and that
! pray you il shall remain satisfeds OF prices
and style OF my champions sended the ninth
, day of the month. to send me order have
that is time, because after to coming near
the Christmas day increase the attention
and l shall cannot to serve you much. oi
the style to half mando!ins IL you will
. shall can to transport there 10 others o.
differences systems.
: Here endeth the misery and the music
dealer hopes that these samples will bS
a warning TO all Americans TO refrain from
. trying to order goods in Germany through
| German dictionary and when writing tC
; France to not attempt to draft letter {
l la Fasquelle or Ollendorf at glance. Writi
. good plain English, and the foreigners viii
be deprived of laugh at your expense.
wante,i-A Flour Mill.
From the New Orleans Times-Democrat)
New Orleans had such a mill once. and it die
! we'll, but was, unfortunately, burned when only