Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-01-29
THEIR DREARY FUN.
THE IDLER DESCRIBES THE PLEA
sUREs OF MASCULINE BAyQUETs.
EVERYBODY IS UNCOMFORTABLE.
Tonstmnster, Speakers, aud Guests
Are MiscrabIc-ynccinat and
WHY Richmonders should Resort
to If-t Favorite Joke.

II there Is any one thing more than an
overriding sermon in hytime which does
weary my superannuated soul It is ban
quet-a mems banquet, with toasts,
cigars leathery quail on toast, and the
meanest wines the caterer can palm OF
on his guests. All masculine suppers are
| failures. and tho more formal and mag
nificent they are the more the banqueters
suffer. When | eat like TO have women
/ folks about me anyhow. even If they
don't talk anything except clothes-a
thing they are pretty apt 10 do. so long
as they have breath in their bodies. our
wives may envy US when we go to our
stag parties. but really thing their envy
| Is wasted What we need is pity.
There's no getting ahead OF % banquet.
To begin with, you pay your money for
your plate. and If you fail TO throw in
your chips you are expected TO stay at
home ana nurse the baby or hang pic
lures or doctor yourself for Appendicitis.
As soon as you separate yourself from
the coin required Of you some philan-
thropist informs you that you will be ex-
pected to respond to a toast. This makes
you both glad and mad and miserable
and happy all at the same time. And if
you are Informed that the POSTMASTER,
out OF consideration for your modesty
viii pledge himself not TO ask a. speech
of you, that makes you still madden.
Then you say they simply asked you 10
come so they could raise enough wind TO
pay the expenses.
IL no one mentions the subject Of toasts
one way or the other, that likewise rifles
you. Something tells you your views are
50 unimportant that nobody cares for
your opinion one way or the other. And.
besides that leaves you uncertain whe-
Their you must devote eighteen Fours 10
the preparation Of one Of those i'm
promptu talks You deliver AZ every posi-
bic opportunity or whether you can rest
easy Of responsibility.
When You meet the party who IS 10
partake Of the banquet YOU find each and
every individual wearing his best clothes
and exhibiting the constrained air which
marks the demeanor of guests at a fune-
raj. If anybody feels bright and witty he
won't let himself bubble. for he feels
that ne should hoard up his enervescence
for the speech he may have TO make.
Your best friends are cold and distant TO
you. ana hold back their cleverness.
After you have an sat down at the tn
Die and made up your mind which Is the
proper fork TO use with the oysters you
realize that, eat as hard as you may.
you cannot get your moneys worth. ia
short, your appetite balks and retires
from business. There's no cOaxing it, IL
refuses TO recognize grub
When the grand assault on food COM
mcnces everybody is stiff and unnatural
and the efforts ar gayety are ike grave
diggers' jokes. The men set down for
the regular toasts are solemn fId mise
rable, and barely taste their food. Their I
one object in life is to remember their |
speeches until the time for explosion oc- |
ours. Maybe their efforts van sparkle I
Ike diamonds, and even make the head /
waiter laugh, but YOU would never Judge /
this beforehand from the Wretcbed ex- /
preston on their faces.
4 cold perspirat0a bospangles the brow
Of the toastmaste.. His misery is long
continued. beginning with the oysters on /
The haiI-sheH and ending vita the last
sleepy yawn of the retiring guests All I
through the ghostiy effort 70 ipliity this
unfortunate being must give utterauce
10 scinullatlns thoughts. and in intro
lucing the speakers must say c0mulf- /
nentary things which show absolute inn
lartiaiity towards all the respondents.
one would imagine that the only happy
nortals at banquet are those not book
'd for speeches. Strange to say. This
lass is the unhapplest Of all They have
% listen TO what the regular orators say. |
ana moreover are continually apprehen-
I'VE lest they themselves De called upon.
me fellows on tho regular programme 4
nave, at least. had an opportunity 10 pre-
lare themselves, but not so with these |
lnfOrtunates
Ere YOU get TO the fourth course YOU
eel that you are uibbling az chips. and
onS before midnight your vision is blear-
'd by that unspeakable sleepuess which |
invariably seizes YOU on occasions when
'ou would fain be at your brightest. Late.
ate az night you reach home with the
ammunition for a twO-weeks' attack OF
dyspepsia, and your wife secretly hates
'ou. She thinks you've had n royal time.
ma is silently wrathful. because She ina
zines men can get along so merruy with
ut women. But She doesn't know.
A good many OF the people around our
way are putting on airs about being vacci-
lated. They are trying to make me be-
ieNe that they aren't going 20 avail them
elves of the gratuitous services of the
Dung physicians who have been employed
by the city for this purpose. Now. this is
he first time in history that 1 ever knew
he city Of Richmond 20 let me have any,
hing free. and rm going 10 work her
.eneiicence for an 70 Is worth. Ever since
ne Tax Collector recently made me pay a
ollar tax on my head I've umsed n
ecret vendetta against the powers that
e. Heretofore, my head-posslbly the
my tangible asset / have on earth-has
scaped the attention OF those who have
ersecuted me. And 20 add insult no
injury judge from the amount / paid
hat its fun value is assessed at less than
100 ''''i
The free vaccination. IS the only
cheme by which l can ~ present secure
eFenge. 1 wish i had as many arms and
ass as q centipede, and could have each
ne Vaccinated. AS IL is, / shall force
very living thing on my premises to un-
ergo the ordeal All my life l have made
point TO encourage my family 20
Axe IN every free show" or eratuitous
nering that comes our way. And when
.fr ,