The Topeka state journal., 1899-12-15
HUMOROUS SIDE OF XMAS.

HUMOROUS SIDE OF XMAS.
Heroine K. Jerome in Mail and Ex-
press.1
The bus moved on, and was about |
to cross the road when a man, mutter-
ing savagely to himself, walked into |
me He would have swept past me had
1 not. recognizing him, arrested him.
1t was my friend B., a busy editor /
of magazines and journals. 1t was some |
seconds before he appeared able to /
struggle out of his abstraction and re-
member himself. 1t is this confOunded |
Christmas business he explained. 1t /
drives me out of my head"
L have heard Christmas advanced |
as an excuse for many things" re- |
piled, but not early in September
oh, you know what mean he an |
swered; we are in the middle of our |
Christmas number. 1 am working day |
and night upon it. BY the bye" he |
added. that puts me in mind. am |
arranging a symposium, and 1 want |
you to 5oin. Should Christmas
L interrupted him.
MY dear fellow said. 4 com |
menced my journalistic career when L |
was is, and 1 have continued it at in |
terVals ever since have written |
about Christmas from the sentimental |
point of view; 1 have analyzed it from |
the philosophical point Of view; and 1 |
have Scarihed it from the sarcastic !
standpoint. 1 have treated Christmas |
humOrOusly for the comics, and sympa-
thetically for the provincial weekliess-
1 have said all that is worth saying on |
the subject Of Christmas as-1naybe a
tri1e more I have told the new
fashioned Christmas story-you know
the sort of thing; your heroine tries to |
understand herself, and. failing. runs
off with the man who began as the
hero; your good woman turns out to
be really bad when one comes to know
her; while the villain, the only decent |
person in the story, dies with an enlg-
matte sentence on his lips that looks as
if it meant something, but which you
yourself would be sorry to have to eX-
plain. have also written the old
fashioned Christmas stOry-yOu know
that also; you begin with a good old
fashioned snOwstOrm; you have a good
Old-fashiOned squire, and he lives IN a
good Old-fashiOned hall; you work in a
good Old-faShiOned murder, and end up
with a good Old-fashiOned Christmas
dinner. L have gathered Christmas
guests together round the cracking
logs to tell ghost stories to each other
on Christmas eve, while without the
wind hOWled, as it always does on these
occasions, at its proper cue l have
sent children to heaven on Christmas
eve-it must be quite a busy time for
St. Peter Christmas morning, 50 many
good children die on Christmas eve.
It has always been a popular night
with them. 1 have reViVifed dead low
ers and brought them back well and
Jolly. just in time to sit down to the
Christmas dinner. I am not ashamed
of having done these things At the
time I thought them good. have trot-
ted out the Indigestion jokes till the
sight of one of them gives me indiges-
tiOn myself. have ridiculed the family
gathering. I have scOffed at the Christ
mas present [ have made witty use
of paterfamilias and his bills I
Did ever show you" I broke off to
! ask as we were crossing the Haymar-
ket, that little parody of mine on Poe's
| poem of The BeIls?' It begins He
Interrupted me in his turn
Bills, bills. bills he. repeated.
You are quite right admitted. Z
forgot 1 ever showed it to YOU"
You never did" he replied.
Then how do you know how it be-
gins2'' 1 asked.
I don't know for certain, he admit
ted; ''but / get, on an average, sixty
| five a. year submitted to me. and they
all begin that way. 1 thought perhaps
yours did also"
u don't see how else IT could begin
/ I retOrted. He had rather annoyed me.
Besides it doesn't matter how poem
| begins It is how it goes on that is the
/ important thing: and, anyhow, I'm not
| going to write YOU anything about
/ Christmas. Ask me to make you new
/ joke about a plumber; suggest my in
/ venting something original and not too
/ shocking for a child to say about
heaven; propose my running you off
/ a dog story that can be believed by a
man of average determination. and we
! may come to terms. But on the sub
| ject of Christmas L am taking rest
I don't blame you" he said, If you
! are as sick of the subject as 1 am. So
soon as these Christmas numbers are
! off my mind, and Christmas is over till
! next June at the Office, I shall begin it
/ at home I think the presents are the
| worst part of Christmas. Emma viii
give me a Water-cOlOr that she has
! painted herself She always does. There
! would be no harm in that if she did not
! expect me to hang it in the drawing
/ room. Have you ever seen my cousin
! Emma's water colors p he asked.
! 4 think I have" replied.
| There's no thinking about it" he re-
/ torted angrily. They're not the sort
/ of water cOlors you forget"
/ He apOstrophized the Circus general
/ ".
why do people do these things?'
/ he demanded. Even an amateur ar
/ tist must have some sense Can't they
! see what is happening? There's that
/ thing of hers hanging in the passage.
/ put it in the passage because there's
! not much light in the passage. She's
/ labeled it Reverie. If she had called it
| Influenza I could have understood it.
4 asked her where she got the idea
/ from. and she said she saw the sky
/ like that one evening in Norfolk. Great
! heavens! then why didn't she shut her
/ eyes, or go home and hide behind the
/ bed curtains2 If had seen a sky like
/ that in Norfolk I should have taken
y the first train to London. I suppose
the poor girl can't help seeing these
/ things, but why paint them?"
DOCTORS IN TRANSVAAL.