The daily morning journal and courier. [volume] (New Haven, Conn.) 1894-1907, 1899-07-31
THE BROAD AND BENEVOLENT
LADY

LADY.
Once upon Time there was Broad
Girl who had nothing else to do and no
Children to look after so she thought
she would be Benevolent. She had
scared all the Red Corpuscles out of the
2 by Shrimp who rotated about her in
a Limited Orbit and was known by
Courtesy a her Husband He was Soft
for her, and so she got it Mapped Out
with Herself that she was a Superior
Woman. She thought that when she
switched the Current on to herself she
Used UP about 5000 Ohms an Hour, and
the whole Neghborhood had to put on
Green Eye-Shades. She had read about
nine Subscription Books with Cupid and
Dove Tail-Pieces and she thought she
could get away with any Topic that
was batted up to her and then slam it
over to Second in time to head off the
Runner. Her Clothes were full of Pin
Holes where she had been hanging
Medals on Herself, and she used to go
in a Hand-Ball Court every Day and
throw up Bouquets, letting them bounce
back and hit Her.
She would square off in front of a
Camera about every Two Weeks, and
the Man was Next, for he always re-
moved the Mole with the long Barbed-
Wire Hairs on it when he was touching
up the Negative In the Photograph
the Broad Girl resembled Pauline Hail.
but outside of the Photograph and take
it in the Morning when she showed up
on the Level, she looked like a Street
Just before they put on the Asphalt.
But never you Fear, She thought She
had Julia Arthur and Mary Mannering
Seventeen up and One to play so far as
Good Looks were concerned, and when
1t came to the Gray Matter-the Cere-
brum the Cerebellum and the Medulla
Oblongata-May Wright Sewall was
back of the Flag and Pulled up Lame.
The Down-Trodden Man whom she
had dragged to the Altar sized Her all
right, but he was afraid of his Life.
He wasn't strong enough to push Her
in front of a Gable Car, and he didn't
have the nerve to get Divorce. SO he
stood for Everything, but in the Sum-
mer when She sllated off into the
Woods to hear Man with Black Al
paca Coat lecture to the High Foreheads
about the Subverted Ego he used to go
out with few Friends and tell them
his Troubles and weep into his Beer.
They would slap him on the Back and
tell him she was a Nice Wowan. But
he knew better.
ANYWAY, as Bobby Gaylor used to
saw she became restless around the
House with nothing to do except her
Husband. so she made up her mind to
he Benevolent to- beat the Band. She
decided that she would allow the Glory
,,f her Presence to burst upon the Poor
and the IJncultured. 1t would be Big
Holm TO the Poor and Uncultured to see
what a Real Razmataz Lady was like
She didn't Propose to put on Old
clothes and go and live with Poor Peo-
nle and be One of Them and nurse their
Sick. as they do in Settlements. Not on
Your Previous Existence! She was go
mo to he Benevolent and be Dead Swell
al the Same Time.
Accordingly, she would Lace Herself
nntil she was the Shape at z Bass VOL !
and put on her Tailor-Made and the /
Hat that made her Face seem longer, |
and then she would galop forth to Go |
Tbings to the Poor. She always carried |
d, ee-cent Lorgnette in one Hand and |
Smelling Bottle in the Other.
"Now," she would say feeling Behind |
70 make sure that she was all strung |
I'm. .'Now to carry Sunshine into the
Lowly Places,
AS soon as she struck the Plank
walks and began stalking her Prey |
the small Children would crawl under
the Beds while Mother would dry her
Arms on the Apron and murmur. Clio
w be!' They knew how to stand off
The Rent-Man and the Dog-Catcher, but
when 2S5 pounds of Sunshine came
waiting up the Street they felt that