davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26
TRUCKING ROMAN NOSE.
How an Obstinate Old Backrnailer and His Band Were
Stampeded in Badger Pass.

Zone of the bes. fighters in time of
war, and one of the meanest redskins
qw-bJ;cG RIIGN u'upO Ill.,; xzffn
in time of peace, was old Roman Nose"
said Colonel Childers, as "reminiscences
were in order. "AS a freighter for
three different forts he had many OPP
portunities to annoy me. My instruc-
tons from the government were to
put up with his nonsense and do moth
ing to provoke him, and knowing this
he would do many aggravating Inings.
If he camped down on my road with
hundred Of his fighting bucks, l had
to turn back, buy him off or wait until
ne was tired cut. | finally determined
that l had had about enough of his
nonsense, and l didn't have to wait
long for climax. l was hauling sup
plies up to Fort Chadwick, and ON a
certain trip we had drove OF hun
dred cattle behind us. Some were for
the post ard some for the miners, and
they were wild lot.
"At a place called Badger Pass" con-
tinued the colonel, Il found old Roman
Nose and seventy of his men camped
on the trail. Cur way was blocked. |
tried a key of whisky and ton OF
fattery, but it was no so. l clustered
and threatened, and the old reptile got
cut his war-paint. Then l schemed
to buy him OFF, but he wanted $500 in
cash to let my train pass. | wouldn't
pay any such sum, of course. After
a delay of three days l got mad and
determined to teach the autocratic red
skin a lesson in manners. l left my
wagons on each side of the roadway,
sent the mules to the rear, and then
began to work up the herd Of cattle.
mean by this, that we left them with
cut food or water all day, and the men
annoyed them and made them nervous.
When night came we poured gunpow-
der on the ground here and there,
threw stones and clubs among the
herd. and at about 9 o'clock were ready
for the grand coup. The guards were
withdrawn from the front, the powder
heaps flashed of, and then hundreds
Of half-crazy cattle started OFF like a
cyclone. They had half mile to so
before they struck the Indians. The
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26
HELPING THE DETECTIVES.

WED had a big fall of snow, and
it was fine sleighing," said the livery
stable man, when three fellers got
off the train just at dar:, Gzd came
over to my place for a rig to drive to
Spoonersville and back. That's twenty
miles, you know, With a good many
hills. The men seemed 70 &c weIl-to-do
strangers, and offered me a big price,
but as they didn't want to start until
ten o'clock hung out for awhile. One
of them finally took me aside and said
they were detectives from Boston.
They had somehow found out that the
proceeds of big robbery were hidden
in the horse barn Of a doctor in
Spoonersyille, and they were quietly
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

kept down with a very firm hand, and
Notwithstanding the watchfulneSs of
the English there are numerous and
frequent uprisings and revolts. Dur
ing these disturbances many Of the
savage war boys" who are not killed
in the engagements are taken prisoners
and have to be duly punished for their
numerous sins and weaknesses. The
accompanying illustration shows the
method tc which the English are forced
to resort in preventing the escape of
their prisoners before they can be
placed in proper confinement.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

Il understand the feeling and can
sympathize with you,' replied the
House Fly. 81 realize that I've got lots
to be thankful for, and yet at the same
time it's the same old thing cay after
day"
eff you care to exchange places for
week or so I'd be glad to arrange"
said the Bug.
"Just my idea"
AS Hause Fly the Bug found him
self tenderfoot, and he hadn't been
buzzing around half an hour when he
alighted on a sheet Of sticky fy-paper
TO see what sort of soil it was and was
held fast until he died Of a broken
heart. AS a Bug, the House Fly went
pOking about in the grass, and not
knowing that Fowls ate Bugs he let
an old rooster wiring in cold deck on
him and prove his destruction.
"There are some things y0n can most
always tell,' replied the Beetle when
he heard the story, "but there are other
matters you can make out through a
stone wall with your eyes shut. One
of 'em is to let we'll enough alone and
be satisfied with a good thing"
CHARLES B. LEWIS.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26
TALES OF OUR TIMES.
When You Have a Good Thing Stick
To II.

Really, now" said the Clam to him
self, as he came out OF the sand one
day, there is something about this
business which is dreadfully monoto-
nous. l don't say that being a Clam
isn't pretty good thing, but it looks
to me that being a Crow is. heap bet
ter. I'll try it for a change anyhow"
An hour later, when the Sage came
to the beach to take his usual after
noon promenade, the Clam stated his
wishes and was obligingly turned into
a Crow. He spread his wings and
took a flight of half a mile, and had
just settled down on a fence to con-
graduate himself On the change when
q farmer gave him the contents Of a
shotgun and observed:
N"If that Teller bad been Clam in
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

and Il there's anything cute about the
squirt OF my eyes or the corners Of
my mouth fall to catch on. The fact
is, old man, I'm rather tired Of the
Frog business and want change"
.Haye you made up your mind what
you wanted to so into?" asked the Sage
as he rubbed away at his chin.
1--WE been watching that spotted calf
out there and seeing how he got away
with life, and think I'd rather like to
be another"
The Sage said he didn't approve of
lightning changes, but was always
willing to oblige where it didn't cost
anything, and two minutes later the
Frog was fair-looking calf and frisk-
ing about among the golden rod. He
had scarcely got used to his legs, how
ever, when a couple of men came into
the field, and after some dickering he
was sold to one of them and led off to
the slaughter house and transferred
into veal.
"It may be that I haven't got the
right philosophy Of the thing" said a
Buzzard who sat on the fence waiting
for his share of the Calf, 'but it does
seem to me that live Frog can have
a heap more enjoyment than a dead
Calf"
"Oh, yes, I've been a success in my
line-an undoubted success" remarked
the Bug to the House Fly, but there
are occasions when l think it would be
a good thing to vary the monotony
a little. One gets rather tired Of being
a Bug all the time, even II he's BOSS
of the rancho
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26
HOW THE AFRICAN REBELS ARE
BOUND.

When a progressive and civilized ma
ton attempts to take up the brown
mans burden, it's agents are forced at
times to resort to almost uncivilized
expedients before they can properly i'm
press the irresponsible brown man with
their good intentions. In Sierre Leone,
for instance, which is one of the Afri-
can territories now under an English
proteooorate, English officers have to
resort to a peculiar method Of binding
all unruly natives during their trans
portation to prison. The English Off
GERS in this troublesome African coun-
try find that the natives have to be
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26
WINTER EVENING TALES.
As Related in Front Of the Stove in the
Village Inn.
THE DEAD MAN IN THE BARN.

THE DEAD MAN IN THE BARN.
"One winter night, six years ago."
said the farmer with big black patch
on his left knee, Il went out with the
lantern about nine o'clock to see tina:
everything was all right at the barn,
and the first thing l saw as l opened
the door was a tramp lying on some
hay thrown down on the main floor.
The sight didn't surprise me at all. as
I'd come across that sort Of thing
hundred times before. The fellow ap-
peared to be asleep, but when spoke
to him he rubbed his eyes and sat up
and said he hoped wouldn't drive him
out. l threw him an old horse blanket
and told him to come to the kitchen
door in the morning. He hadn't
showed up when / went TO the barn
soor after daylight, and there was a
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

into him close to the heart, and IN the
next all the doctors agreed that the
man had been dead twenty-four hours
when I first saw him in the barn. II
was furthermore agreed that he could
never have walked ten rods nor IVed
half an hour after being shot. he
had no pistol, nor had any one seen
him on the highway. He wasn't on
the hay at six o'clock in the evening,
but was there at nine. II he wasn't
alive then how did he sit up and talk
to me, and yet the five doctors were
agreed that he was dead the day be-
fore, and called me a fool for not
agreeing with them. Nothing farther
has ever been learned about him, and
it's too late now to hope there will be,
but I'd Jest about give the old farm to
know the real facts in the case. I've
been so mighty poky ever since that
night that l wouldn't go out to the
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

ments when the Dog came along. The
Rat slipped into the hare's burrow with
the greatest case, but when the Hare,
being closely pursued, attempted to en-
| ter the Rats hole, he found it far too
small for nis bulk and fell victim to
| the Dog.
IF he'd stuck to his business as a
Hare I'd never have got him." unused
the Dog, as he sauntered off. Same
with the Rat. 1 could never have got
him out Of that wall, but now all I've
got to do is to pick him up as he comes
! out Of the burrow."
I'm not saying that I'm anything
behind the game" remarked the Lob
ster to the Sage, ''but this walking
around On the bed Of the sea all the
time makes one rusty. When I was
asked yesterday by the Skate how corn
was coming Ion and how the potato
crop promised l had to confess my ig-
noTance and take a back seat. If not
too much trouble, and if you will ex-
cuse my presumption, I'd like to be
transformed into a Tortoise for a day
or so and take stroll over the coun-
try
I'm always willing to Obliged" re-
piled the Sage, and he promptly ar
ranged for the transfer, and he saw
the Lobster become a Tortoise and
start out to see the sights and learn
the latest market quotations. Every
thing went well for an hour Or so, but
as the Tortoise was crawling over a
meadow a farmer espied him and
picked him UP with the observation:
I'm in luck, b'gosh! l spent all last
week looking for Lobster which never
came, but I go out this morning to
run across a tortoise the very first
thing. Come into my soup-pot, old
shell-back!"
well, l dunno" observed the Land
Crab, who had seen and heard all, Il
did think I'd like to be q whale and
have a STAYING old time, but this let
ting go to get a hold Of better thing
seems to have its drawbacks, and I'll
stick to my claws for awhile longer"
"That have done we'll in the Chick
en- business no one can dispute" unused
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

bullet and fell down. Then nv hand
began TO hurt and l found l had been
hit. There were others going to the
/ rear, and waiting for us were first-aids
with bandages. l ran up against one
( who wanted to cut my arm off the first
thing, and he was so ratified that I had
to bandage my own hand. He was so
scared that l would have been forced
TO laugh if hadn't but five minutes to
live. He insisted that 1 get on his
back and be carried beyond reach of
/ the bullets. | was stronger on my legs
than he was, but as he hung to his
point | gave in. He hadn't carried me
three rods when he stumbled and fell
on his nose, and plowed over him into
the grass. He Immediately called out
that he had been shot, and hadn't five
minutes to live. l paved him over
without finding any blood. but it was
long twenty minutes before he could
be convinced that he hadn't been hit.
When he began to cry began to laugh.
It was safer to stay there than to go
on, and lying in the tall grass | tried
to cheer him up. The more Jokes I
got off the harder he cried. He Just
went hoc-hoo-ooi like baby who has
lost his little tin horse, and between
his sobs he told me of all the mean
things he had ever done. He said he
hadn't got but seven dollars in the
world, bat il | would arrange It to
bring the war to a close he would work
night and day and all the rest OF his
life to pay me the sum of a million
dollars. l crawled away after an hour
or so, leaving him still weeping, and
walked back to hospital to have my
hand dressed. Three days later I met
hlm as he was telling a group OF men
about the battle. He claimed to have
carried seventeen different men off the
firing line On his back, and when I
leaned up against tee to laugh the
whole crowd called me a red-headed
idiot and drove me off. They made
me a corporal after the battle and in
sisted that l was hero, and you lust
excuse me while I laugh about that.
All l can remember is that I had a
heap of fun out CT the affair. and I'm
sorry that we didn't have three or four
more" CHARLES B. LEWIS.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

Pass was about fifty feet wide and a
mile long, and Roman Nose didn't have
two minutes warning. 1t takes some
thing out Of the ordinary to surprise
an Indian, but they got it good and
strong that time"
what happened?" was asked.
"Well, the Indians made for the
rocks, of course, but not half OF them
ESCAPED that way The main crowd
was picked up and thrown down and
trampled over by the four hundred
hoofs, and that was also the fate of
about twenty-five ponies. When day.
light came we advanced our train, ana
we found nine dead Indians in the
Pass. There were others who had
dra eyed themselves away, and we had
/ clear the way Of dead ponies before
we could 90 on. We found the herd
with only two or three missing in a
valley six miles beyond, and many OF
them had bloodstains On their legs and
horns. A month later | met Roman
Nose. and gave him 'Howdy' and
asked if the cloud burst at Badgers
Pass had come upon him Unexpectedly.
He looked at me in a doubtful, puzzled
way for a moment and then sulkily re-
piled:
maybe cloud-bursts have horns and
hoofs and tails, and walk folks into the
earth. and may be Colonel Childers is
one big liar Of white mani"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26
THIS SOLDIER LAUGHED.
"A Volunteer Who sfw the Humorous Side Of the Battle
6f San Juan Hill

, Dozens of men fell down, and dozens
of others wanted to run away. II
you've ever had big bumble-bee come
at you full tilt and just miss your left
ear with 'w-h-r-n-g!' that's the way
a bullet sounds. The orderly sergeant
kicked me for laughing, and for about
five minutes I guess | was scared at
being under fire. Then l had to begin
cackling again. Something funny
seemed to be happening every minute.
One of our corporals lost the tip of a
finger by bullet and began blubber-
ing like a child. A sergeant was raked
across the shoulder, and he offered to
fight any man in the company for a
cent. Every one of the officers swore
without ceasing, and we hadn't had
man killed yet when one OF the boys
shouted out at the top OF his voice
that we had lost 5000 slain and would
be exterminated to the last man.
at seemed as if we were mob, and
yet we were going ahead all the time
and doing good fighting. 1 didn't
know when l got a bullet through this
hand. We had come to a halt in an
opening in the jungle when our second
lieutenant suddenly appeared beside
me. He'd been shouting until he was
boarse and his voice ran from low bass
to high squeak as he yelled at me:
" Get to the rear with you! Get to
the rear you long-legged, red-headed
son of a gum
az had to laugh at the way he pitched
into me, and just as he was about to
say something further he lodged a
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

had had seven sheep killed and a dozen
others badly bitten, and we had watch
ed in vain for the dog, went down I'm
the sheep lot one night with a couple
Of pelts sewed together to cover me IN.
The sheep spotted me of at once and
wouldn't let me come near, and so I
huddled down and played sick. I had
a gun with me to shoot the dog II he
appeared, and had been working the
scheme for an hour and patting myself
on the back when that Internal canine
lighted down on me from behind. lie
came with a rush which fattened me.
and he rolled me over and mauled me
about for five minutes before my yells
convinced him that | wasn't mutton.
Lordy, but the bites gotl That brute
sunk his teeth into me in twenty-seYen
different places, and the doctor aud the
old woman we're fussing around for six
weeks before I got out doors again. |
didn't get hydrophcbla, but some OF
the bites ache yet after nine years, and
I can't get il out OF my mind that /
tried to play Smart Alec on a dog and
got left. ! sometimes think he was on
to the whole game. and that he trotted
of with a grin on his mouth, and when
/ get that feeling | have 10 20 out and
wallop the cows or pound the hogs to
get relief. / haven't felt like being real
cute and foxy since that night. and X
anything ever happens TO laugh at.
them bites begin TO ache before can
get my mouth open"
CHARLES B. LEWIS.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

Gas the rest Of the boys have got
through telling about the heroics at
san Juan HILL" said the red-headed
volunteer with the wounded hand, "Pd
like to state that there was more to
laugh at around there for twenty-four
hours than had met with for twenty
wears before. They turned us out long
before daylight to go to the front. We
had all gone to bed mad, and we turned
out ready to punch each others heads
at word. l heard the colonel scold-
ing our captain, and the captain gave
the lieutenants fits. They passed it on
TO the sergearts, and when l asked
our second sergeant if / couldn't write
q farewell letter home he abused me
like a pickpocket. Two or three men
became hystericy and cried. One of
tem was a great big six footer, and a
little corporal went for him and
thumped him all around the camp.
Lots of teeth were chattering, and the
captain walked up and down the lines
declaring that he'd wallop blazes out
of every man who didn't hold his jaw
together. During the march to the
front | asked a corporal if we were
going to draw rations of fried oysters.
He began to cry and thump me with
his fists, and as he thumped he shout
ed:
You internal red-headed fend, but
you'll make me think Of my wife and
children, and I'll lick you till you can't
holler!'
"Wed go marching along for a few
rods and then make halt and bump
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

going to remove the plumber without
word to anyone. l was fool enough
to feel proud at the chance OF assisting
justice, and soon after eleven O'Clock
l had them over to SpoonersYille. They
made me stop under the meeting house
shed while they went forward on foot,
and they were gone about three hours.
II ! hadn't been paid in advance |
should have thought It a trick, but I
hung on as patiently as / could and
at length the fellers showed up. Each
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26
THE STORY OF A sHEEP-poG.

when a dog takes to sheep-killing
no farmer for ten miles around is
safe" said the old man who was warm
ing his blue wooden mittens. "He be-
comes a sort Of man-eatlng tiger. He'll
be as sly as fox and as bloodthirsty
as a hyena. It's only after he has kill
ed two or three dozen sheep that any
body finds out whose dog 1t Is. The
sheep-chasing and killing is always
done late at night, and some dogs are
sharp enough not to chase a bell
wether and let the tinkling bell give
an alarm, On one occasion, after |
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26
REMOVING HATS AT THE THE.
ATRE.

Here is a scheme that the manager
uses at his theatre in Portland, OREGON.
After the orchestra has finished the
overture neat sign rises to the view
of the audience from the floor of the
stage. 1t shows these magic words:
.sThis is the proper time for ladies to
remove their hats" And if they are
not already OF the sign works won
ders.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

into each other. Every time we bump
ed there'd be swearing and fighting,
and presently l got to laughing and
thinking the whole thing the biggest
joke l ever heard Of | started in to
tell our third sergeant a good joke on
a Philadelphia drummer, but he hauled
ct and hit me on the ear. I kept on
laughing, however. Things grew fun
nier all the time. got to thinking OF
how my old dad once sat bear-trap
for sheep-killing dog and stepped
into it himself, and l laughed SO loud
that the captain came back and ex
claimed:
"'You lop-shouldered, slab-sided, red
headed idiot, but don't you realize that
you may be dogs meat by sunrise!
Il thought we were going a-fshing,"
I replied.
"'Shut up! If I hear you laughing
again I'll jam your sword-handle down
your b:s mouth
"But / kept On laughing. I couldn't
help it. A man on my right was tell
ing the man beyond him that he didn't
want to die until he had one more
letter from his girl in New York city,
and the other man said he had been
a cuss-in-wheels for wickedness, but
now saw the error OF his ways and
wished he had a hymn book. Just
then somebody started to sing the
Doxology, but half dozen fists hit him
on the back at once and knocked the
sing all out Of him. BY and by we
halted for daylight, and as a man on
a horse came picking his way among
us one of the boys announced that he
had left his toothbrush in camp and
wanted permission to return for it. The
man on the horse was our colonel, and
he bobbed up and down in the saddle
and cussed till he was out of breath.
/ had to laugh or bust, but had hardly
got out haw! haw! haw!' when
sergeant was in my hair. AS we rest
ed there, some of the boys were as
4 I'm as mice, while others blew their
noses and wiped their eyes or tried to
get their courage UP by Dragging. I
ought to have been as frightened as the
worst, for l had never heard the sing
Of a bullet, but I was too busy laugh
ing. Two men, one Of whom was on
either side of me, presently started in
with:
Say, Tom, have you made fun of
Sunday schools and religion?'
"Lots of times Have your
eyes, and l want to be forgiven
for it,
$50 do L.
eff the Lord spares my life to-day
I'll read the Bible through in less'n a
week.
"'Soll I. Can't we have Sunday
school or something while waiting
here?'
'They spoke in most doleful tones,
and each was wiping away the tears,
and began to laugh and couldn't stop
even when three corporals were kicking
me at once. When daylight came we
were marched across the ford, and
was laughing at a young fellow kiss
ing his girls tin-type, when about q
hundred bullets came singing among
us at once. Lord, but you ought to
have seen the duclzing and lodging.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-26

stead Of Crow he'd hare got under
the sand and ESCAPED me-
las a matter Of fact I'm getting q
heap of comfort out OF this" replied
the Hare to the Rat when the latter
called to suggest an exchange of quar-
tiers, but I'm always looking for some
thing better. You can take this hole
in the ground and I'll take this hole in
the celler wall, and we'll try it for a
week and see how we like the change"
They had just concluded arrange