davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
KILLING A CAREER.
The DISASTROUS Consequences Of .
Funny Writer'S Efforts at
Laugh Making,

IF things had gone right with Inc in
other days." said the fat man, who had
been making everybody laugh with his
stories, II would probably have be. ONE
q second Mark Twain, noted circus
clown or humorist-lecturer. All my
friends said had it in me and predict
ed great results. 1t was member of
congress who got me reportorial sit
uation on Chicago paper, and soon
found out that great things were ex-
pected of me in the way of humor. l
had been ON the staff a couple of weeks
and the only members of it had seen
were two other reporters and the city
editor. had got off two or three good
things and was looking for others when
I happened to be close behind an old
chap who took tumble on an icy
corner. In the first place, no one can
see fellow-man sit down all of a sud-
den without seeing some fun in it, and
in the next, this old chap made such a
fuss over it that should have roared
if he had broken his neck. He was bow
legged and lop-shouldered, and wore a
rusty hat, and in writing up the acct
dent 1 worked it all in as matter of
course. made half column of that
incident, and when the city editor read
my copy he laughed till the tears came.
He patted me on the back till was sure
of a raise of salary the next week, and I
went home that night stepping high.
Who do you think was waiting for me
when 1 got down next day? The old
chap who had taken the tumble. He
was not only the old chap of the tumble,
but the editor and proprietor of the
paper, and though I had used no name
in the article had described him so
we'll that everybody could identify him.
Was there a cyclone? Did an earth
quake occur? Yes, things happened.
That old chap not only wolloped me
with his tongue, but he broke cane
over my back and gave me the boot at
the head of the stairs and people who
sawme getting out of Chicago thought
1 had wings.
Its easy to nip a career in the bud,'
sighed the fat man, land mine was
chopped off then and there never to
bud in the humorous direction again.
From that hour to this have never been
tempted to write anything funny with
out a vision rising up before my eyes
"a vision of an old man gurgling and
gasping and choking as he tried to
find cuss-words to fill my case, and of a
young man tumbling over himself to
get away from a cane and boot. I
laugh, of course-ha! ha! ha!-and 20
about telling funny stories-ho!, no! no!
but I'm not advertising myself as q
funny man. I'm selling windmills, I
am, and I'm leaving the comic business
to those who can tell an editor from a
farmer when he happens to strike an
icy spot" -Chicago Evening News.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
PROFIT IN SHEEP.
1t Exceeds by Far the Income Realized
from Any Other Kind of
Farm Stock

A shepherd can make from rs per
cent. to so per cent, on his investment
in. mutton sheep, according to his Skill
A good breeding eve can produce
enough wool to pay for keeping her.
A eve can be kept in thrifty condition,
being fed such coarse folders as straw,
clover hay and corn fodder, with one
half pound of grain daily when she re-
quires it, at a cost of one cent per day,
during the period of most expensive
feeding. To pay for her keep she needs
to produce no more than ten pounds of
good wool, and that mutton eve can
do. In addition to the wool the re-
turns from eve will be at least one
lamb-the average of the mutton breeds
is nearer one and one-half. From the
fasts derived from our experimental
work it is safe to say that, charging
foods at market prices, mutton can be-
put on the market on foot for at least
three cents per pound. Such muttonas
can be furnished at that cost should
weigh $50 pounds. Here is profit of
$3.50 from sheep under the most mod
crate circumstances. have known
ewes of mutton breeding to produce
each year a clear profit of ten to fifteen
dollars.-Farmer's Tribune. Z.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
AMONG THE POULTRY.

Provide the sitting hens with dark
nests.
Table scraps make q good poultry
food now.
The Pekin are the handsomest breed
of ducks.
Goose eggs require one month for
Matching.
Mix the corn meal with milk for the
little chickens.
Boiled peas and beans, fed warm, are
excellent egg foods.
Geese and ducks should not be picked
while laying regularly,
In selecting the sitters be careful to
secure those that are gentle.
Small eggs are likely to come from
too much fatntss of the hens.
The best Matching eggs are those laid
in the spring by the mature hens.
It costs about cent week up to ten
weeks old to feed chick. Then it
should weight two pounds.-st. Louis
Republic.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
PERSONAL AND IMPERsoNAL.

Ayoung man who has been preaching
on street corners in Denver is in jail for
confessed burglary.
Secretary Hay is the proud possessor
Of quatrain Of Fitzgerald's version of
Omar khayyam, written by the trans
lator's own hand.
Laurin Martin, Of Lowell, Mass, has
won the first prize for general excel
lence in design and craftwork at the an
nual exhibition of the Birmingham
(England) school of arts.
Count de Cassini, Russian ambassa-
dor at Washington, is by far the most
democratic of all foreign representa-
tives at the national capital. Unlike
other diplomats, he has no Office hours,
being ready to see visitors whenever he
is at home.
NJ. Anatole Deibler, the new public
executioner of Paris, who, while his IA
Their held the. place, moved in society
and was well received, finds, now that
he has taken up his fathers work, that
many doors are closed against him. He
has even found it necessary to resign
from his bicycle club. r
"Gang Warily" is the motto of the
earl of Perth, oldest of British peers,
and he has. apparently followed it, be-
Ing 81 years old. He is hereditary
thane of Lennox, and is also Due de
Melfort and Comte de Lussan in France.
High, however, as are his honors, he has
not seat in the house of lords, his
peerage being Scotch.
The German emperor. has decreed
that his naval officers shall not wear a
mustache unless they wear full beard
also. This is supposed to be due to the
fact that the officers when at sea find
it impossible, either by the aid of CO.'S
metics or other device, to maintain that
upward curl to the mustache which the
emperor himself affects and which
many of his officers try to initiate.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
NO LONGER ISOLATED.
wire-Fence Telephone system Pit
in Operation by PrOgressivc
western Hanchmen.

The stockmen Of Southwestern Kan
sas and northweste Texas and Okla
homa are keeping pace with modern
improvements and are no longer to be
isolated from the rest Of the world.
A few months ago the ranchmen Of
Seward county, Kan, met to propose
plan of connecting their ranches by
telephone facilities, utilizing the barb
wire fences instead of setting poles and
stringing wires. It had been demon
strated that fence wire worked per-
fectly for telephone connection. The
scheme was favored by the stockmen,
and local company was formed, with
headquarters at Liberal, that being the
nearest telegraph point. d..
Lines have since been constructed
and are in operation, extending from
Liberal over the whole of Seward, Stew.
ems and Morton counties, Kan, and
have reached out into Beaver county,
O.. T., and Hansford county, Tex. Many
of the ranches. in this ideal grazing
country are situated miles from rail-
road and telegraph facilities. Some of
the owners are compelled to travel so
miles to reach shipping points. Thus
will be quickly seen the great adj
vantage to be derived from this enter
prising move. It not only affords them
an opportunity to transact business
among themselves, but they have ar
ranged to get market quotations daily
from the telegraph station. This in
formation is invaluable to the cattle
kings. u...
In addition to the lines now in opera
ton further extensions are to be made,
The success of the wire-fence tele~
phone first established between Liberal
and Brown ranch on Sharp creek, dis
lance of ten miles, demonstrated the
value of the irea, and another line will
be started to Beaver, o. T., and one to
Hardesty, Tex.
These extensions will require but lit
tie outlay of money, nothing hut the
labor required where fences can be-
used. When this cannot be done the
surveys follow the streams where the
timber is used for poles. This energetic
move has awakened lively interest at
the markets. Wichita, which has be-
come large stock market in recent
years by reason of its packing indus.
tries, is making an effort to have .
branch of the line reach that place.
This would put the ranchmen in talk
ing distance with commission firms, to
whom they sell stock.
The plan is one of untold advantage
to stock owners, and will be pushed
until the complete benefits have been
derived.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
Back-Furrowinx Paws.

In blowing clay lands nearly all the
advantages of understanding can be
obtained by back-furrowing into mar
row beds, and by leaving strip two
or three feet wide between the beds
unplowed. 1t practically does away
with the trouble of outlying by heavy
rains, as there are two channels instead
of one to carry off the water. No per-
ceptible difference in growth for yield
or crop can be seen in the dead burrows
after being put in with modern i'm
proved implements, and there is saw
ing of four burrows in blowing each
land or bed-two in the middle of the
bed and two at the dead furrow. The
great advantage of back-furrowing over
level culture when blowing is done
in the fall is that very often crops can
be sown several weeks earlier, making
a fine crop and a good catch of grass,
when later sowing would fail.-Prairie
Farmer. e.. -. =. s ..,...., r. r.. -. 8
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
HARD TO GET.
The Girls Were Learning to Make
Hair Flowers and They
Wanted White,

A venerable white-haired clergyman re-
Gently preached in the church Of friend.
He had hardly got back to the vicarage
from the church when the door bell rang
and young lady asked to see him. He re-
celved her. They talked about the sermon
and other things, until finally she asked,
efficiently:
"Oh, won't you please give me lock of
"Certainly, my child" said the old gentle
man, tiattered at the request. "I'll send it
to you Tomorrow" And he did.
On his return to his own home he had
live more requests of the same kind, and
ne proudly boosted to his wife that he was
glad to see that he had not yet lost his
power to please. All went well until his
wife received this note:
Dear Mrs. Fourthly: Won't you please
ask your husband to send me just little
lock of his hair? We have all been taking
lessons in making hair flowers. So many Of
the other girls asked him, and he sent it to
them, that l thought I would rather ask
you to get it for me. Won't you please do
this for me. 1t is so hard to get white hair
for lilies of the valley"
This was a terrible blow, and the less
now said about locks of hair in that old
gentleman's presence the better.-Cincin-
natl Enquirer.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
How, to Break q sitter.

When hen wishes to sit she is usu-
ally fat. If you break her she will lay
five or six eggs and become broody
again. Let her get rid Of her fat. Give
her one egg, let her stay on the nest
two weeks, give her plenty Of water,
feed only once in two days, and then
break her up. She will then have lost
flesh and when she begins to lay she
will keep it UP. # you must break her,
however, get coop with q .slat floor,
slat sides and open everywhere. Let It
be raised foot from the ground. Place
the coop in an exposed cation, where
she can see everything around her.
Being disturbed and not being able to.
warm her airy nest, she gives up in
disgust and Fireside.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
Business EnterDrise.

The keen.eyed stranger sided up to the
tall man who was hurriedly shutting over
his mail. "Beg pardon, sir" he said, "but
if 1 am not mistaken you are one of the
physicians of the sick author?" II am," re-.
marked the tall man. "Thank you," said
the stranger. ''Then assume that yours
is one of the names that appears on the hour
''Thank you again. said the stranger.
"And now, what want to suggest is that
you permit me, for handsome compensa-
ton, of course, to add these words at the
bottom of each bulletin: Use Bulger's
Blood Bitters! They fight off diseased"
"Sir!" snorted the tall man, trembling
with indignation, those bulletins are not
advertisements" AREN'T they?" screeched
name off of 'em!" And he stalked away,
leaving the tall man speechless with rage
St, Louis Republic
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
HOG SCALDING MADE EASY.

port lever c. A rope d, will be of great
assistance. Hook, e, is to slip under
gambrel. After hog is scalded on one
end, swing round to table, f, take hook
out of gambrel and stic7 through low
erjaw and scald the dthere end. Barrel, g.,
should be kept two thirds full of water;
the one-inch pipe, h, is eight feet long,
bent in middle, or two pieces four feet
long connected by d six-inch piece with
elbows which enter the barrel between
the hoops, as shoyw n. Of course the
fire boils the wat er. By my swing I
dressed 3oo-poun nd hog alone.-L. l..
Glover, in Farm and Home.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
AN ENDLESS WARFARE,
try Pests and Injurious Germs
Knows No End.

In all lines of live stock husbandry
cleanliness is the one great demand.
The war against dirt and hence against
know no end. Let no man suppose
that he can cleanse his house and pens
and trust them to keep clean. The bat
tie must be fought over and over again
and the successful poultryman is the
determined fighter. The first campaign
must be made against lice and mites.
Whitewashing the pens is supposed to
be great remedy, and without doubt
it is good one, but it is possible for
the pens to be kept clear of lice with
out the use of lime. We realize the
fact that embarrassing has its disad-
vantages. Not only does the pen soon
get to looking very dirty inside, On &C
count of all dirt showing on the white
background, but very often the pens
become a nuisance in that one cannot
step inside them without having the
marks remain ON his clothes. There
are washes that may be used and be
quite effective as lime. The man that
Aao a >P4 aJ CA CdAs use IL cdS11yr4u fQlS
chicken house and thoroughly wet all
exposed surfaces All cracks should be
obliterated, and this is not a hard thing
to do if the poultry raiser has prop
erly built house. But whether lime or
something else be used the work must
be carefully followed up. It is even
best to repeat the labor frequently,
even if there be no signs of the little
monsters. Their very minuteness is a
tremendous advantage given them by
nature, and an advantage that lays
upon us the necessity of eternal war
face.-Farmers' Review.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
Food That Costs Nothing.

" .F ~ Z Z
4 During the warmer season, when al
lowed to forage for themselves, each
fowl gathers several ounces of meat
daily. When the supply Of grasshop-
pers, bugs, flies and worms fails, it may
be furnished from the table, the scrap
pot or the market. Green food may be
furnished in, cabbage, vegetables, APP
pies or cut clover. Awarm breakfast
should be given on cold days and there
should be no lack in the supply Of drink.
a meat diet with grain and vegetables
is essential to the well being Of fowls.
during the cold weather, when worms,
bugs and insects are not to be found by
the birds, but IN summer the fowls can.
secure such foods for themselves
American Gardening.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
LAND VALUES IN LONDON.
A Little Patch of Real Estate That
Ii Worth Millions Of
Dollars.

Prices of land in the center of the
little city of 10000 inhabitants, which
is the real city of London, about which
the worlds metropolis sprawls, and
which has it's own separate government,
have doubled and in some instances
tripled, in the last four years, yet to-
day the most valuable plot of ground
in the heart of this wonderful little
city is estimated to be worth only
about 81, 100000 an acre, or $16O square
foot, whereas j. Pierpont Morgan ire
morganizes" his railroads at the cor
ner of Broad and Wall streets, in New
York, on land of which a part cost
$3.50 square foot-and more than a
quarter of century ago at that. But
that was, of course, an artificial price.
The land was so necessary for the
Drexel building that the owners could
charge about what they liked for. it.
Judging by such transactions, London
is ahead, for a Lombard street banking
house is said to have paid on one occa-
sion $500 a square foot for little patch
of land on their street. They had to
have it, whatever the price, and paid
accordingly.
It IS a one-story building that stands
on the dearest land in London. There
isn't window in the building, although
the structure spreads itself lavishly
over four acres of ground, and it is as
ugly as grimy old stone sarcophagus
could be. II is occupied by the old
lady of Threadneedle street, = the Bank
Of England, and. although the actual
value Of the land on which it rests il
estimated at $2s, 00o, 900, it couldn't be
bought for all Of the 800, 00O, 600 Of ster.
ling in gold and silver which sleeps IN
the banks vaults. Philade lphia Times
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
Burglary in the Future.

Course me luck!" Kissed the burglar, and
fled into the night. Bear in mind, if you
please, that all crime was now disease, mere
burglar perceived, in the cellar window
where. he tried to enter, one Of the latest
electric automatic spraying devices, and en-
deavored to avoid it. But fortune was
against him. A click in the dark, and al
most before he knew it he was drenched
with germicide and cured of his malady.-
Detroit journal.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
The Frances Willard Hospital, Chicago, Ill.

Miss Georgiana Dean was for three
years missionary in Liberia under the
M. p. Church from the training school
in Chicago. After her return she stud
led nursing, graduating from the pres
ent Frances E. Willard National Tenn
perance Hospital of Chicago. She is an
enthusiastic friend of Pe-ru-na, as is
evident from the following letter:
Chicago, ILL.,, Jan. 20, 1899.
Pe-ru-na Drug Mfg Co., Columbus, O.:
Gentlemen-You will be glad to know
OF the happy results obtained from the
use of Pe-ru-na among the patients I'M
der my care whenever prescribed by the
physician. I have seen some very re-
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05

markable cures of cases of very obsti-
nate catarrh of the stomach, where Pc
ru-na was the only medicine used. I
consider it reliable medicine.
Georgiana Dean.
The symptoms of catarrhal dyspepsia
are: Coated tongue, pain or heavy feel
ing in the stomach, belching of gas,
dizzy head, sometimes headache, de-
spondent feelings, loss of appetite, pal
pitation of the heart and irregularity of
the bowels.
Send for a free book written by
DR.. Hartman, entitled Health and
Beauty" Address DR.. Hartman, Co.
lumbus, o.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
The Enxlish of 1t.

"You Americans call things by such queer
Names" said the Englishman
whats wrong now?" asked the New
Yorker
"Why call these things elevators, when
they take people down as often as they take
"Well, what do you call them in your
country?"
"We call them lifts"
"Well, can't see that the word lift ex-
presses their use any better than elevator"
"Oh, yes, it does. Don't you know you can
lift persons down as we'll as lift them up?"
-Yonkers Statesman
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
Abolish the De.tA Pe,.aty.

A0Ofdsh the Death Penalty,
At Albany the law-makers are vranriine
ever the abolition Of the death penalty.
The man who succeeds in passing such bin
VIII prove as great benefactor to the
breaker of mans laws as Hostetter's Stom-
ech Bitters has to the breaker Of natures
Iaw:. Il you've neglected your stomach un-
liver and kidney troubles are upon YOU
there's but one cure Hostetter's Stomach
bltters. Don't fail to try it. All druggists
Many girls heart has been melted BY
ice-cream.-L. A. w. Bulletin.
How My Throat Hurts!-Why don't you
use Hale's Honey of Horehound and Tar?
Pixies Toothache Drops Cure in one minute.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05

AK Your Dealer for Aliens Foot-Ease,
the feet. Cures Corns, Bunions, Swollen, Sore,
Hot, Callous, Aching, Sweating feet and In
growing Nails. Aliens FootEase makes
new or tight shoes easy. Sold by all druggists
and shoe stores, Csc. Sample mailed FREE.
Address Allen S. Olmsted, LIE Roy, n. Y.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
NESTING ARRANGEMENT.
Nests Made of Pals Can BE Taken Out
of Doors, Emptied and Cleared
in q Moment

At stores where candy is sold, one
can buy for few cents the light, but
large, wooden pals in which broken
candy and certain grades of chocolates
are shipped from the factory. These
pals make excellent hens nests when
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
HOG-SCALD1NG SWING.
With Its Aid One Man of Ordinary
Ability Can Dress a Large
Animal Alone.

This hog scalding swing almost ex-
plains itself. The two crotched posts,
a, are nine feet long, set firmly in the
ground about six feet ayart. The cross
piece b must be plenty strong to sup
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
NEST FROM AN OLD PAIL.

N11H51 + 1eO1A1 1A1~ O170 Z x1117'
hung from two hooks in the manner
shown in the cut.
Such nests can be taken out of doors,
emptied and cleaned in moment, and
having no corners or open joints, as do
boxes, there is no place for vermin to
hide about them. This. is special
point in favor of the use of such pals as
nests, for the ordinary nest is usually
a breeding place for these troublesome
pests.-Orange Judd Farmer.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05

Even in the most funereal matters there
is likely to be some trace of levity. The
sexton is always giving some one farewell
dig.-L. A. W. Bulletin.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05

Piso's Cure for Consumption has no equal
as Cough medicine.--F. M. Abbott, 1885,
Seneca st., Buffalo, N. Y, May 9, 1894.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05

Whisky relieves dyspepsia on the theory,
perhaps, that the feeling of brick in the
hat offsets the feeling of brick in the
stomach.-Detroit Journal.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05

She-"Does he call her peach now" He
mo; he says she's his box of strawberries,
because she's the dearest little thing he ever
saw.-Yonkers Statesman.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05

and WELL helped through the change of life period
am ffty-fve years DID," @~.".
The of advanced who healthy and happy
invariably those who have known how to help
when they needed it. Mrs. Pnkham will advise woman
free of charge who writes about her health Her address
LYNN. Mass
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05
4 CHARMING grandmother!
Z What pleasant influence

MRS. MoLL1E BARBER, St. James
Lydia E. Pinkham's Vegetable Com
life, and have passed through that
critical period safely. suffered for
years with falling of the womb and
female weakness. At times could
hardly stand on my feet, also had
leucorrhea. I tried several good
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1899-05-05

and lost his finger. Later, he fooled with
love, and lost his life-Atchison Globe.
A stolen pair of shoes is boot-y.-L. A. w.
Rulletin