The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1899-06-23
THE ETIS And INTEElIGENCER.
BEL ain MD. JUNE 23. 1853.
MURDER In HIS SOUL.
PITIFUL PLANT OF THE MAN WHO 10
BORED BY STATISTICS.

| One Victim of the Ffcnd who. on
Every Possible Occasion. Filings
| Figures Mt You Frees His Mind and
| Warns His TormeEtors.
| 81 don't think | have n reputation for
being a bloodthrSty man, " said the lcath-
or dealer from New ENGLAND. but down
| in my heart have the feet = that | shall
| break loose some day ana murder. 1t
is "A man VINO will be Iny yi"tin. | shan't
| break his neck or shoot kim through the
| head, but | shall prnlGng his apOnics for
hours and get revenge for all l nave suf-
| fcrcd You see, it has been going on FOR
years-Iny sutfcrings-and no matter how
| patient u man is he reaches the dead line
mt last. The man | refer to is the man
who is always chucking statistics at you
He is to DO found on every train and
steamboat-in the Office of every hotel
aye, even at the newly made grave of n
friend. l have been one of his victims for
| 90 years, but l can't last much longer
l Inside of the next II months you'll read
| in the papers of some one Icing torn limb
\ from limb by wild eyed man who looked
! like IL hunted tiger, and that wild eyed
man will be me.
| Il start from Springfield to run over to
| Boston" continued the leather man with
u touch of pathcs in his tones Il am
! only comfortably seated with my newspa-
| per or magazine when the man On tho
seat in front turns and inquiries at what
| speed the train is travelling. | can't tell
| him, nor would l if l conld. He hopes
| that can't, for he has little speech all
| ready He smiles in patronizing way
| ard says:
| My dear man, we are travelling mt tho
| rate of ~ miles. i rods, > yards, foot and
5 inches per hour. Should this train,
| travelling at this rate, strike u stone wall
| 10 feet and ~ inches thick tho force of
| the impact would BE exactly equal to the
| force of a wave IL feet high and half
mile long breaking on a sandy beach with
| pitch of three inches to the foot
We'll, what can l say to thatY" asked
| the New Englandcr II am as helpless
| rs man on IL raft in midoccan. can't
dispute him, and your statistician is a
man who can't be scowled down nor turn
| cd aside. He has conc to stay, and tho
| only way you can get lid of him is to leap
| from the train l was going down to Fall
| River one day, when an old tooth began
| to growl ard ache. l was getting mad
and nervous about it, when along camo
| tho statistician and began:
Ibid you ever figure up the amount Of
arabic land occupied by the hills and
| mountains of tho United States? Well,
| it's an interesting bit of knowledge. l
| find that if all uncultivated hills and
mountains were levelcd off we should DO
| the gamer by 81 1894 ,3l7 acres of produc-
| tive soil. Our farming population could
| be trcbled. Our annual products would
amount to exactly S6l2, S2S, gag. II more
| than ut present.
HE WAS going on to tell me just how
| many more tuTnips, potatoes and pump
kins could lie raised and how many moro
gimlets, scrcwdrivcrs and corhscrcws
would be needed to supply tho market.
| when told him had tho toothachc and
| didn't care to talk. He WAS blulfed for
half minute, and then he came back ut
me with:
"'The toothache, ch9 Toothache is
caused by the cold air striking an exposed
nerve. You probably never gave thought
| to it, but there are exactly $500 nerves
| radiating from your gums, and tho ex
| posture of any one of these causes pain.
| Speaking of teeth, do you know what the
strength of tho jaw Is? 1t Is computed
| sir that when II full grown and healthy
man shuts his teeth down as hard as he
| force of one horsepower. Every time you
| bite into n sandwich you use force enough
to open u door. Sho;ild you yell "Police!"
at the top of your voice the air pressure
| would be sufficient to lift one of your
shoes seven inches high. When you
sncczc, you waste power enough to pull
| turnip out of the ground, and the force OF
| il hearty laugh would drive q brad awl
half way through u raw potato
81 had to listen to that sort Of talk for
an hour" said the leather man, land /
was mad all through when l got to Fall
River. l YVES locking for n tooth foundry
to have the old thing jcrked out when l
met u benign looking old gentleman on
the street who asked me II had ever com
puted the quantity Of tears shed in the
United States every year. / told him 10
go to and he hanged, but he laid his hand
Oh my shoulder in fatherly way and
asked me to remember that the quantity
was exactly 81 barrels, % gallons, quarts
| and pint. Before could get away from
him he added that this amount of water
would run ten horsepower engine Il
hours and - minutes, and that the energy
wasted in the weeping of the tears would
plant ~ acres of corn.
~ have had statistics shot at me and
pumped INTO lie anu driven through me
until l have come to have murder i'll my
heart. never could see why should DO
selected out of all men in car or crowd,
but it is invariably the case was in
New York month ago. was riding on
all elevated train and CHANGING over the
daily paper when a man walked the length
of the Car to crowd in beside me and say:
MY dear sir, has it entered your mind
that We are travelling at the rate of IL
TilGs an hour, and that if this train should
be suddenly stopped dead still each one of
Us woUld be flung forward a distance Of 3S
feet 81 inches"
II got away from him by leaving the
train, said the New Highlander, land
wanted TO kill him as l went As said
in the beginning, the last straw has been
placed on the cancels back. For 40 long
years l have had statistics hurled at me
almost daily and it is time that dabbled
my hands in blood. l start for Boston to-
day, and you just paste it in your hat that
the man who sits down beside me and be-
gins to tell riH how many eyes and legs the
house fly has. how fast lightning travels
OF why Il mud turtle can't fly is going to
get six months in the hospital rs fast as
cnn rive if 70 kim t'i-R0St0n Herald