Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1899-03-25
THE POSTAL CRANKS.
THOSE WHO DON'T OR WON'T PROP
ERLY ADDRESS LETTERS.

Their Notions of Humor as Displayed
| In Directions on EnvelOpes-SOme
of the Puzzles with Which the De-
partment Has to Wrestle.
| 1t does seem an easy matter to properly
| address a letter in order that 1T may slip
| through Uncle Sans postal mill as speed
| lily and safely possible. No racking OF
| the intellect is required in the process, and
| but little physical eXertion-simply the
| inscribing of a name and address. Yet, In
the face of this, ask the man who superin-
| tends the sorting of the mail in our local
| postoffice about it, and If he does not
| throw up his hands and fervently cry,
! 1.-The Lord preserve us from those who
| don t or won't know how to address n let
| terri it will be because he is too busy to do
more than think his opinion.
| OF the thousands of letters which go
| through the office weekly it is surprising
to learn that hundreds of them, through
| faulty addresses, cause the postoffice peo-
pie almost as much extra trouble as tho
| handling of those which are in proper
| form. And the acts of this same class are
also the most potent factor in keeping the
| wheels of industry humming in the dead
| letter office at Washington all the year
| round
! Carelessness on the part of letter writers
| is the cause of the appearance of most of
CneSc DOUncTSOllS IlllSSlN0S anu III JnlS llu0
| San Francisco is entitled to n seat i'll the
grand stand, as the records of the office
will show. 1t is the careless person who
drops letter adorned with stamp, but
unadorned with an address, into the box;
it is kindred spirit who mails a letter to
a friend in some distant city which the
writer locates in state having no such
city within its borders; it is one with a
similar failing who directs his letter to
certain street and leaves blank space be-
low for the poStoffice officials to fill in any
city town it may occur to them the
street is situated in; it is carelessness that
brings to the postoffice neatly addressed
and stamped envelope which is, however,
unsealed and destitute of contents, just
the sort of an affair to cause n fearful
breach between two correspondents, one
angry because of an unanswered letter and
the other indignant because his tale of the
empty envelope is discrcdited. But to tell
of the devious and aggravating ways OF
the careless letter writer would take day
in itself.
Ignorance also plays its part in the let
ter game as n few select specimens will
show. 1t was certainly an ignorant per-
son who not long ago addressed letter to
His honorablenesS the President leav-
ing it to the superior wisdom of the post
master to guess whether the letter was q
petition to the president of the United
States for position or an appeal to the
president of glue trust for a job as la
borer.
Ignorance or a childlike belief in the
supernatural powers of the postal officials
also inspired the following ELUSIVE, though
vague, inscription on rather dirty envel-
ope dropped in the main office:
ITO my cusin, Martha Small, who
lives in Organ and was goin to moove to
Montanner."
Another missive with nomadic adj
n6nrOIa with mvGfprv
directed:
Samuel Kramer, Milwaukee, Wis; If
not, try Columbus, o.; or, maybe, Dallas,
Tex; or perhaps, Bangor, Me"
Was this letter representative of a for
lorn hope to reach a long lost heir to a for
tune the frantic attempt of creditor
to run down an elusive debtor?
A piece of handiwork worthy of the i'm
mortal Handy Andy is exhibited by n let
ter which, besides the stamp, bore only on
its face this writing:
"If not delivered in ten days, Postmas-
ter will please open and return as per adj
dress inside. Stamp Enclosed"
But it is not the careless and ignorant
alone who clog up the postal machinery
and cause the letter men to give way at
times to an inclination to words of
lurid tinge and emphatic meaning. Their
correspondence, Of which the foregoing
are only IA few samples, from an outside
aside in the hurry of making up mail and
afterward bundled off to the postal morgue
at Washington, unless there is some iden-
mark whereby it may be return
ed to the writer.
There is a vast and growing army of
cranks who seem to live only for the pur-
pose of using the mails in their own pecul-
lar, idiotic way. In tho operations of
some of these there is studied nendish-
ness that would suggest n gigantic con-
spiracy to drive postal clerks to the insane
asylum or the clammy tomb. San Fran
cisco has some shining lights in the crank
line, as may be seen by what follows
In the first place there is tho puzzle
crank who imagines that n 2 cent stamp
gives him the privilege of displaying at
the expense of the postal officials his mar
velous powers enigma maker. or
many which annoyed the postofiice last
year the following is a fair sample;
F. (color) II. (Second President.)
Seventh President.
1850.
The envelope ought to have gone into
the waste box, but Uncle Sans orders arc
to use all possible means to find the party
to whom a letter is addressed. So finally
a reformed puzzler in the office deciphered
the address to be, Erred III. Adams, jack
son, Tenn"
A wholly inexplicable piece of crankism
was developed by a letter that apparently
had no address where addresses usually
are, but in fine writing in ono corner
was scrawled:
Heat envelope and find address"
When the letter was held to gas jet, an
address that had been written in invisible
nix was drawn out by the heat. Strangely
enough the letter was marked, "Impor-
amt San Francisco Chronicle.
Wa1fzing Ostriches.
The behavior of wild ostriches on the
plains of South America and South Africa
S said to be often exceedingly droll. They