Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1899-08-20
MEDICAL TREATMENT
THE IDLER HAS SOME COMPLAINT
TO MAKE ABOUT 1T.
THAT AWFUL DREYFUS MIDDLE.
He Would Like for Some Man to Ex-
plain IL to Him and Clear His
BraIn-A Few Unpronounceable
Names-IIow Insects Are Utilized.

Nnmes-HoW Insects Are Utilized.
Admiring friends from agricultural and
suffer from sick headaches, have
frequently written me on the subject and
suggested various remedies. l should
like to take their advice, but as each
remedy suggested is different from the
other. | haven't got a sufficient supply
Of headaches to go around. Allowing
each attack of sickness to last forty
eight hours Ga very moderate record. /
would have to live three or four hundred
years before / rounded up the list Of
cures That Is altogether impracticabie;
the good die young. There is only one
point in common between the many
treatments recommended. They all In
volve self-denial; they all require you
to abandon some habit that is precious
TO your soul; to sever your friendship
with something that is near and dear TO
you; to quit chewing tobacco. or smoking.
or drinking, or eating. or going without
your coat. or sitting by the fire in cold
weather, or by the open window in sum-
mer. In other words. according to all
the medical doctrines | have studied,
one cannot be both healthy and happy.
You've got 10 give up one or the other
and If you cling to the latter state, then
you'll die, and there's an end -, it. Ten
years ago i used TO think total abstinence
from food was deadsure guarantee for
health (also unhappiness), but as soon as
l caught the swing OF 1t and began 10
live on air, i found that the atmosphere
was full Of microbes and "yarmints" of
all sorts. This forced me TO give up the
air treatment. Ii may be mentioned.
too, that when abandoned IL l had got
ten to love air. IL was cheap and diges-
tible, and thrilled me with Joy. What
ever gives one Joy II atrocious and should
never be countenanced. Therefore. the
air had to go.
Some OF my doctor friends told me that
If / hung around stables and breathed
the aromatic atmosphere of these delight
full resorts, the ammonia in the air would
do me good and purify my system. Al
though this regimen totally excluded me
from polite society and made me con-
trast most noticeably with persons scent
ed by heliotrope, violet, and hyacinth
perfumes. l. nevertheless. took their adj
vice. Yet, It did me good / learned to
enjoy it, though some Of my best friends
deserted me. BY and by, when stables
had grown sweeter to me than hot
houses or Conservatives. L had to give
them up. Newspapers and medical jour
mails throughout the land told me that
they were the great breeders OF
lockjaw germs-tetanus microbes, as they
call them in polite society OF all
the diseases on earth, | most dread lock-
jaw. II disqualiies one TO cope with ones
wife; il shuts one out from politics; II
deprives man of his greatest pleasure
hearing himself talk. The stables had to
20.
tl1I h
ject of bicycles, scores OF fanatics urged
me to buy a wheel or even to rent one
on credit. They said exercise was the
thing l needed. 1t was the one thing
of all others that 1 hated. Feeling that
/ was far too contented while in physi-
cal repose / got one Of the steel horses
or rather, mules, for no horse could
show the treachery of a bicycle. After
| had formed an intimate acquaintance
with cObble-stOnes, and granite ourDings,
and brick sidewalks, and other urban
appurtenances, / grew TO love my wheel.
The glow Of the vigorous exercise made
me feel good all over-yea, even on the
bruises / had sustained in my first ex-
periments. The twinkle Of my golf
stockings could be seen for miles around
Richmond. | was the pathfinder of the
suburbs Then the bicycle had to go.
PHYSICIANS said the violent exercise pro-
duced palpitation of the heart; that Ii
was extremely unhealthy, and that I'M
dertakers were encouraging the sale of
bikes. My wheel now constitutes the
paraphernalia Of junk-shop, and Is one
of the things | have loved and lost.
Then / took to dumb-bels and Indian
clubs--ten-pounders, that make knots OF
muscle stick out on you like warts on a
potato. These implements afforded me
| believe h9g1llEe
they terrorized the Queen Bee when 1
was swinging them. She momentarily ex-
pected to he Drained, as she doubtless
ought 10 have been for her absurd timidi-
~. 1 got so / could juggle the clubs as
If they had been jack straws. 1t exhila-
rated me TO use them, but they had TO
go. Medical advisers assured me that
they were 700 heavy and jerky for my
frame; that they were racking my ner-
vous system. We now have the clubs
standing up over a rat-hole and the chill
dren have sold the dumb-bells for junk
My next step, in view OF urgent re-
quests from those who feared my death,
was the rest-cure. Life was one long
loafing excursion with me. | would sit
on the side of my bed I'm the mornings and
rest from my nights sleep. When
climbed UP a stairway | rested after
chard-or rather was carried there-I ate
the fruit of the trees without taking my
hands out OF my pockets. There were
dumb-waiters 10 carry the edibes from
the table to my mouth, and l ate mushy
food exclusively, in order to avoid work.
ing my jaws. | got so lazy and inert
that there were cobwebs over my eyes
and ears Il was too sluggish to exercise
either set OF organs), and II l saw a
brick falling In my direction i didn't
move but took the chances of the wind
blowing IL another way To tell the
truth, the rest cure tickled me TO death.
I was born tired anyhow and this regi-
men suited me TO perfection. But. great
Scott, the way some of the physicians
howled about il when they discovered
my mode Of livingl They said lack OF
exercise and exertion would kill me; that
my physical machinery would gradually
lose its usefulness; that my muscles would
become gelatinous that my bsod would
turn 10 water; that my bones would get
chalky; In short, that | was gone gos-
ling AZ didn't get up and hustle. Fare
well o precious rest cure! l had TO give
YOU up, though / liked you best of all.
In your stead / had TO substitute long
and wearisome walks, calisthenic exer-