davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26
FOR THE PUBLIC GOOD.
Col. Bunker Would Not Go Back His Word Of
Honor Even When He Was Wrong.

, recovered. He passed here on a white
mule just befo' we sat down. Judge
Truefoot had led in the opposition to
my drainage bill, and my next call was
upon him. He was also expecting me.
| Deed, sub, but after we had saluted
each other as gentlemen do he took me
by the hand and said:
'Kurnel Bunker, realize yo'r posi-
ton as a gentleman, you wanted to
drain the State of ArkanSaw. AS an
other gentleman, / brought forward
figures to prove that the cost would be
beyond us. Yo'r bill was killed. Yo'
can not recede with honah and we will
therefor take nip together and then
mark off the usual ten PAGES"
"He was gentleman, subtitle judge
was, and he made my errand an easy
one. was sorry to deprive the State
of Arkansaw of his future services.
After his fall l noticed a considerable
change in the demeanor of the legis-
lators. Dozens of them were willing
to admit that / had the true interests
of the people at heart, and had only
to persevere to win my cause. l had
to call on Kurnel Taylor, however. He
had killed my bill by wringing in his
catfish statistics. He was perfectly
correct in his figures. He was not ex
pecting me. l had to give him a broad
hint of the nature of my errand, and
even then he wanted to go all ovah
the figures again and convince me that
to send my catfish down the Missis-
sippi was to strike fatal blow at the
life of the State He was a gentleman,
sub, but not exactly gentleman of
the finer instincts. Even when we had
reached the grounds he couldn't real
ize my position, but worked in the
value of 5000 alligators on top of his
catfish. l am pleased to say, however,
that his funeral was largely attended"
"And was the end, colonel?"
"The beginning of the end, sub.
After l had called out six men in all
even the governor assured me that he
would go right to work to gather fut
ure statistics in favor of my projects,
and the majority of the newspapers
were pleased to observe that as United
States Senator the interests of the
State would be eminently safe in my
hands. AS said, sub, my position was
untenable and unconstitutional, but
when had once assumed 1t I could not
recede. A gentleman Is always a gen.
tleman. He stands by his word, sub,
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26

any more than was agreed upon, or
has my employer any right to cut down
the amount? If l buy an article at a
dry goods store it is so much, and that
ends it. If stop at a hotel or eat at
a cafe it is not only the fixed prices I
must pay, but something over. We are
an inconsistent people. Let a man
pick our pocket of a dollar and we
rush him to state prison. Let hotels
and restaurants squeeze US out of ten
times as much in a month and we
have nothing to say.
There is one reform in particular
I hope to bring about before I die"
continued the kicker. after look at
the passing landscape. THE railroads
of the country allow every passenger
100 pounds of baggage. Anything in
excess of that is charged extra While
this is a regulation not to be deviated
from, how is it with people? l weigh
AS pounds. My fare from point to
point is SO much. The fare of the man
weighing ITO pounds or of one weigh
ing $50, is exactly the same. If the
weight of your trunk is to count, why
not the weight of your body? | may
not live long enough to accomplish my
purpose, but there will be kickers after
l am gone, and the day will yet come
in this country when things must be
evened up. Three or four days ago,
in a street car, three fat men took up
exactly the same amount OF room as
four lean ones, but no extra fare was
charged on one hand or deducted on
the other. Why not? Coming on from
Chicago the other day l had to pay
ten pounds excess of baggage. In the
same car with me was a man weigh
ing $50 pounds more than l, but the
price of his ticket was the same. Can
you see the justice of it? Shouldn't
there be a REIMBURSEMENT and rear
rangement of most things on earth? As
to Heaven, | don't know, but l want
to give fair warning here and now that
if there seems to be any disposition to
squeeze the public l shall be ready to
kick with both feet and fight to the
bitter end for reform"
Copyright, 1893. by the International Lit
arary and News SaryicaN
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26

Grasshoppers that am a hard hearted
reason they all avoid me"
And what do you want?"
"Prithe, but let thy hand issue a decree
that l am not as the Wolf has affirmed,
but good fellow instead
1T shall be done. and the Wolf shall
promulgate it," said the Cadi
The Peasant returned 10 his home beam
ing with delight and he was so tickled
he could hardly sleep that night.
Next morning as he rose UP he found
score of Wolves at the door, and the
leader of the pack exclaimed:
"Oh. Peasant. we have learned that you
are a good fellow. and We have come TO
visit you for a week Please kill a couple
of fat calves at once
An hour later there was half a hundred
Foxes protesting their friendship and ask
ing for poultry, and they were followed
by q crowd of Crows wanting corn and a
flock Of Magpfes anxious TO roost in the
house. Last of all came the Grasshop-
pers, and they were in such legion that
the green of the meadow was hidden from
sight This was too much for the Peas
ant, and rushing away TO the Cadi he i'm
plored:
"Oh, wise man. but aid me before I am
undonet'
Hast further enemies beset thee" was
asked.
Alas, No. While I had enemies had
peace within and plenty without, but now
have friends / shall soon be reduced to
living on turrip tops and sleeping on a
rail fence."
MORAL.
Our enemies may sueer. but our friends
keep US dead broke.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26
THICKNESS
How Colonel Johnson Struck Out KIN
Surprise Without Evil After Effect

i don't know the exact thickness of
negro's skull" said Colonel johnson
In reply to the last story, but the fell
low got after one night last summer
must have had a head built of boiler
plate. 1t was up at my place on the
Sound, and on a certain hot night the
window at the end of the hall was left
open. l WASH a bit concerned about
burglars, and it was the passing of a
wagon on the highway that woke me
up an hour after midnight. I lay there
for ten minutes, and then got I'D for a
drink Of water. When / had satisfied
my thirst l walked out into the hall
and approached the window. Just as I
got to it | saw a mans head above the
caves of the kitchen roof. That roof
started only two feet below the window
and was plain and easy road for a
robber. 1t was fairly light outside and
at once made out that the marauder
was negro. 1t was three or four
minutes before he pulled himself up.
and | was planning what sort OF re-
cepticn to give him. I am not a
bloodthirsty man, but l didn't want to
let the fellow off without a lesson. l
had revolver handy, but that was too
much like murder. But the time he was
on the roof l had settled what to do.
| tip toed down to my boys room and
got a ball bat. 1t was stout one, and
l meant to give that colored gentleman
enough headache to last him for two
weeks.
There was room to stand between
the window and the right-hand wall, -
continued the Colonel, ''and took my
place there to wait. That darkey
wasn't taking any chances. He crawled
up the roof inch by inch, and he made
no more noise than a cat. Half dozen
times, as waited, thought he had
taken the back track, but he was only
making a careful approach. | was a
little nervous over the business, though
l realized that I had the advantage.
My mouth got dry and my chin
wouldn't keep quiet, but | had firm
grip on that club with both hands. and
there was room to swing it. By and
by heard the fellow breathing, and l
knew that his head would show up in
few seconds. | raised the club, drew
full breath. and the next minute a
woolly black head was thrust into the
hall. The darkey was on his knees.
gripping the window-sill with either
hand. and between his teeth he carried
knife he must have cribbed from some
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26

Speaking of snowslideS in the
mountains" said the Colonel, as he
reused up to the occasion, l never saw
but one, and / had a close shave from
that. | was boss of pack-train TAX
ing out silver ore and bringing back
provisions, and on our return trips we
had Twenty-Five mules and four men.
l was riding at the head of the process
sion and an old fellow named Andrews
brought up the rear. At midday of a
winters day, as we plodded along the
trail, l heard a swish and a rush, and
down the mountain side came thous-
ands OF tons of snow. The slide cut
off seven of the rear mules and old
Andrews, and am sure they were car
ried full mile down the valley and
buried fifteen feet deep. No one ever
looked for people carried away by
q snow slide. 1t was considered time
wasted. l reported the loss at the mine
and little or nothing was said about it.
This was in January. About the last
of May, as I was making trip out, l
suddenly came upon Andrews seated
on a stone beside the trail. The sight
of him took me by surprise, as you may
guess, but l had scarcely came to
halt when he carelessly inquired:
ANY chance to get into the pack
train, Jim?"
"You-you are Sam Andrews!" l
said as 1 stared at him."
OF course.
And you were swept away by a
slide at Big Bend four months ago."
Yes
'But-but how is it you are alive?'
Why, it happened that way, 1
s'pose,' he replied as he rose up, and
I'm ready to go to work again
81 tried cE several occasions to draw
him out" said the Colonel, "but he
didn't seem to think his adventure
worth talking about. The last time
referred to it pressed him pretty hard,
and after uttering a grunt of contempt
at my curiosity he replied:
:" I was buried under the snow, of
course and of course I had to wait for
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26
WHEN cocKRELL WAS FLooRED

Some amusing stories are told al
Senator Cockrelfs acquaintance with
the people. Senator Vest, after a CAM
vaSs of the State with him, said hel
was satisfied that Cockrells brigade
was larger than all the rest OF tha|
Confederate army, and that there was|
enough of them in Missouri alone to|
keep him in the Senate for life Ii Isl
told of the senior Senator, recalls the
Columbus Herald, that there was just|
bit of guile in his method of remem-
bering peoples names. A number Cd
years ago large crowd had assembled
to hear him speak. Before beginning
his address, and while the band was1
playing, he asked prominent citizen|
of the place to cast his eye over thal
multitude and see il he could find any|
members of the old Cocirell brigadej
A few were pointed out to him. Give
me their first names, said the Sena-
tor. They were given. Which one id
most active in politics?' he anxiously3
inquired. A large fellow whom we win
call Jim Jones was designated. After
the Senator had finished his speech. /
he dropped down into the crowd and
rushing up to Jones exclaimed; Why
old fellow, YOU don't know how glad
| am to see YOU
OF course Jim was amazed. bud
greatly flattered, and the next day was
working for Cockrell like beaver.
why, boys" he would say, "the old
general knew me as soon as he saw
me and called me Jim before | could
open my mouth"
This pardonabie strategy the Senator
is said to have repeated in a greao
many places and always with success.
1t is said that he rarely allows any
one To discover that he does not know
his name, but is very ingenious IN
handling such matters and inveigling
constituents name without being
detected and once having got 1t he inn
mediately inquiries with great interest
about all the members of the family.
1t is told of him, however, that he
once got badly caught. He had been
talking at a country picnic with "a
admirfng constituent, and after vainlyl
trying TO ascertain the mans namo
without exciting suspicion and discov-
ering that he was soon to be CONF
PEELED to betray Nhis Ignorance he
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26
MR.. MURKLE AND THE SAUSAGE

John" asked Mrs. Murkle, what's
the matter with those sausages? You
haven't even tasted the one l gave you.
Something's wrong. Tell me what it
is?''
Knowing that her husband was very
fond of sausages, the sweet young wo-
man had ordered a mess especially for
his benefit. and the fact that he had
left his section untouched worried her.
Mr.. Murkle reached over, patted his
wife's cheek, and replied:
"Oh, never, mind. It's all right. 1
don't care for sausages this morning /"
John, dear" she exclaimed, don't
try to deceive me. Tell me the truth. -
We'll. you know wanted you to dis
charge this girl last week"
Yes, / know. But you have merely
permitted yourself to develop foolish
prejudice against her She is the best
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26

II WILL HEAD THE PROCESSION"
another path. AS they were withdrawing
they met the Fox. who pricked up his ears
and said
Hello, here! But what's all this
about?"
1.-THE Rhinosceros has blocked our way
to the pooh" exclaimed the Elephant.
And did you abuse him?"
AYE, We called him names until we
were tired
And did you fatter him?"
Nay! Why should WEI"
''To carry your point of course. Come
along and hear me soft-soap the old Duff
fer"
And when the Fox had come into the
presence of the Rhinosceros he called out:
"Ah there, your most noble Highness,
but have been sent by the earth to ask
you permission to revolve upon its axis
AS was coming along the moon stopped
me and asked that 1 beg your pardon for
not shining last night The Sun"
'WeH, as you put it in that way" in
terrupted the Rhinosceros, Il suppose It
might be allowed
And may the tides ebb and fiow?"
YES"
and about these poor worms of the
dust. Have they your royal permission to
Stake their thirst at the pool?''
II suppose so. In fact 1 will head the
procession and show you where the water
is dearest"
MORAL:
See how easy it ISL said the Fox
when he drank his fill. when you can't
rub a mans back with sand paper. try
sweet OIL"
But he doesn't own the EARTH" pro-
tested the Giraffe.
True" said the Fox. "but had you
waited to convince him, you would have
persisted of thirst
THE CADI AND THE PEASANT.
One day as the Cadi was giving audi
ence to his subjects, a Peasant appeared
and began:
"Oh, Cadi, but the Wolf has slandered
me in a grievous way and l pray you for
satisfaction"
What has he said?" asked the Cadi.
HE has circulated the story among the
Foxes. the Crows the Magpies and the
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26

eyes, sub, know had the best in
terests of the State of Arkansaw at
heart when elected to the State Sen
ate," said the Colonel. as he settled
down for a talk. THAT is, had no
ak to grind on my own account, and
I was determined to oppose all rings
and cliques.G A few days befo' / was
elected Majah Tripper came to me and
said:
".Kurnel Bunker, want pledge
from yo'. l want yo'r word of honah
that if yo' are elected yo' will make it
a solemn duty to look after the health
Of the people of this sovereign state"
That's what the majah said, sub,
and l gave him the pledge. 1 didn't
exactly understand what l was pledg-
ing myself to until / had taken my
seat in the Senate and begun to hunt
up statistics, but l point with pride
to the fact that l did not go back on
my word of honah. No true gentleman
evan goes back on his word. His posi-
ton may be a false one, but he must
maintain it just the same sub. Stats
tics informed me that 100000 people in
our State had chills every other day
for six months in the year, saying
nothing about $4,000 cases of swamp
fever per annum. l estimated that 1t
would require 10000 pounds of quinine
to break up those 100000 chills, and the
idea was to have the State purchase
and distribute the stuff. Clearly illegal
and unconstitutional, sub, but having
entered upon the scheme l could not
recede.'
Did your bill pass?" asked, as the
colonel made long pause.
mo, suh," he replied. What was
called the Bunker Doctor Bill nevah
got to it's third reading. 1 hardly ex-
pected it to pass, but it was my duty
to push it as far as possible. 1t was
no sooner dead, however, than replaced
it with another and better one.
had beef posting myself, sub, and 1
found that one-sixth part of the State
of Arkansaw consisted of rivers, creeks,
bayous and swamps. The presence of
too much water was the cause of the
chills. The object was to get rid of the
surplus. l introduced a bill to drain
the State of Arkansaw into the Missis-
sippi river. For few days the people
were with me, and every newspaper
sung my praise. Then was thrown
down by Judge Truefoot. The judge
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26

to room and proper attendance. Be-
ginning with the porter who brings
up your trunk, you find yourself a
lemon to be squoze by every hand,
down to the last bell-boy. 1 pay no
fees to servants or employees. 1t is a
matter of principle with me- If 1 had
the help of 1000 kickers l could abol-
ish the tip system in America in year.
AS to this tip system let me tell you
what | accomplished in Milwaukee.
There is a good and high-priced res
taurant there much frequented by trav-
cling men. When had decided to be-
come a kicker l entered this place one
day and said to the head waiter:
My order will amount to about 81
Heretofore 1 have tipped the waiter to
the exent of forty or fifty cents, and
you have doubtless had your share of
it. Hereafter l shall do no tipping.
If not satisfied with your wages you
must strike for an increase"
We'll, just as might have
been expected the walters were
all too busy to take my
order, and l sat there for twenty min
utes and read my paper. When l was
finally served the dishes were bad, and
my position was made as uncomforta-
BILE as possible. The game was to
freeze me out, Of course, but | had a
trick up my sleeve. When l had fin
ished my meal refused to pay the
! check. This was ON the grounds that
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26
AMERICAN FABLES.

The RHINOSCEROS AND THE FOX.
one afternoon as the inhabitants of a
certain Forest were erowding the path
winch ied down to certain pool they
came upon the Rhinosceros, who had
stationed himself at a narrow spot and
was determined that none should mass
me Elephant stepped forth and ex-
claimed:
you old Buffer. but how do you come
~ ~ own the earth? Out of the way or
IN roll you into the bushes"
l can lick the whole crowd of Won
with my tail tied up.' roared tba Phi.
nosceros in reply
Then the Giraffe advanced and made
threats, and he was followed bv the RuII
'ne Horse and the Buck. In every case
they showered abuse upon the obstinate
Deast' and he at length became so uglv
u'aI uhey were fain to retreat and fnd
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26

butcher. At least it looked as II It had
been used for year or so to slice off
steaks, and had an edge like razor.
If he hadn't had that knife in his
mouth, / shouldn't have heard him
breathe with sort of hiss.
well, there was my game, and when
l brought that club down it was with
every ounce OF strength in my arms
and shoulders. When | got the CLINT Of
the knife l had feeling of murder in
my heart. The blow took him across
the head, being a downward stroke,
and the pop! of it woke up six differ
ent sleepers on that floor. Bless me,
but ! got a shock as If | had struck a
stone wall, You want to know the
effect of it, OF course. Well, the knife
dropped from the darkey's mouth to
the floor with a clatter and at the end
of ten seconds he sort o. grunted out:
'Wot dat in yere?' l had raised the
club for another whack when his head
disappeared and he went down the
roof and fell to the ground with a
great crash. The house was alarmed,
and / dropped the club and got my re-
volver, but the darkey had had enough.
That is, he realized his game was up.
but he was a cool hand and not 10 be
hurried. Next morning / found that
he had sat down and eaten lot OF
half-ripe pears, and before taking his
final departure he had smoked a pipe
in the summer house"
"And your blow didn't even stun
him." queried one Of the listeners.
Not in the slightest. He was sim
ply surprised at receiving it. / was
naturally chagrined at my want Of
luck, and next day took a trip around
the country. At a village ten miles
away I found a negro who had just
been hired to shovel dirt, and after
looking him over / made up my mind
he was my man. After watching him
for while / remarked that he looked
i'll and not able to work
why boss, nebber dun felt bet
tan in all my life.' he replied in sur
prise.
But haven't you got headache?'
OF co'se not. What l got a head
ache fur?'
From that blow l gave you last
night with that base ball bat?'
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26


cook we ever had, and you are play
ing the part OF q silly child in refusing
to eat the sausages merely because she
prepared them. You really don't know
how good they are. I never tasted any
thing better in my life. I'd be ashamed.
II were in your place, to let foolish
whim stand in the way Of my enjoy
ment of good NEAL
oh, don't doubt" he replied, as he
prepared to leave the table, that they
tasted all right. But l happened to
look into the kitchen this morning,
when she was puncturing their tires
with one OF her hairpins, and, some
how. l haven't had any appetite for
sausage since"
Mrs. Murkle turned slightly pale and
permitted her husband to go away
without goodbye kiSs.-Chicago
News
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26
AMENITIES.

What claim have you to rank as a
civilized people2" inquired the skeptl-
cal American.
What claim" echoed the member
Of Aguinaldo's forces. Whenever va
take possession OF anybody's properky
or proceed to any SORT OF extremity
with him. don't we say beg your par
don the same as you do when yoil
tread on some ones corn OF knock bic
silk hat into the gutter?"-WashinK-
ton Star.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26

squarely asked the constituent
why. Smith, general, done
know me?"
"Oh, certainly" answered the gem
eral, quickly. I know It Is Smith, bat
which one OF the boys are your
why. general, answered Smith, IN
an injured tone. II tn light you knew
my father had but ofs child.' For
the first time the general Is said To-
have been floored. Kansas City Jour-
nal.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26

He looked at me in a queef
said the Colonel, and at the same a.
and pulled of his cap and felt Of Til
top of his head.
No headache. eh?' asked with 1
laugh
Cant diskiberNde leastest sign
boss.' he answered with a grin as ID
grasped his shovel again"
CHARLES B. LEWIS.
Copyright, 1899, by the International lii,
erary and News Service)
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-02-26
THE KIND or A MAN HE WAS.

Il should like to sell you gimIs
said the careworn looking man
walked into an Office the other
We have no use for one
the cashier. -
But you should LOO
future" went on thep
Next winter you
holes In your boot heels
can get your skates on"
Il use acme skafes-noV
Quired"
You may want to screw som2
boards together some time The old
fashioned method OF driving screws Ia
with hammer lis pernielous, as II De-
teriorates the tenaeity of the fangs u
the screw, as it were"
Nothing to-day, sir"
This gimlet acts as a corkscrew.~
Il don't want II"
1T may also be used as tack -hanae
meri" and a cigar-holder, and a toofh*
brush"
Il tell you don't want H."
1T has an eraser, a pen, an ink
stand, table for computing compound
interest, and a hat-box attachment.
Il can't help IL, I don't want II.
Il know you don't: you're one "a
those men that don't buy gimlet uns
less 1t has a restaurant, a trip TO the
continent, and an Italian opera cons
pany attached
And the careworn man walked Out
with his mental piumage on the per-
pendicular-The Rival.