Evening journal., 1899-04-20
ME MATTRESSES KICKED.

1T is amusing what curious expert
ences we sometimes have on the road"
said a nlcely-whiskered guest. deposit
ing his glass on the counter with
heavy sigh-fcr the last dregs Of a fine
Manhattan" had just disappeared
Not long since / was staying at ho-
tel in Western Pennsylvania, whose ac-
commOdations were very poor, not
withstanding the rates we're high. But
a parsimIonicus Dutch woman runs
this shebang-and it was a she-bang
affair, as you will perceive, gentlemen.
in a few moments The bill Of fare
was execrable, while the service beat
anything in the way OF attention. /
will limit my remarks to the dining.
room This, long and narrow, had a
door at each end, with two rows Of
small tables between. l wasigiven a seat
at the extreme end, with my back to a
door which led into the kitchen. We
were waited upon by girls, who were
quick enough, to be satisfactory, II
only other things had been equal. But
they were not; yet, strange as it may
| seem, the kicking on this account was
not performed by the guests.
Soup had been served to me, and l
! was raising the spoon to my mouth
! when-bangl crash went the door be-
} hind me. | dropped the spoon, of
course, and switched around to see
what might be the trouble. A buxom
damsel with a big tray in her hands
sourued past me like a flash. She was
200-pOunder, and made Roadway at a
pace that suggested she was worked
by machinery. I resumed my normal
posture, keeping one eve fixed admir-
ingiy on the bouncing waitress. and
the other on a s~~-~' of extract. My
lips were aching for a taste of-upo1
my honor, gentlemen, the soup, wher
once more, bang! Another waitress
of Simmer proportions took a flynn
leap into the room. BY and by, as the
diners multiplied, the banging went OF
at an amazing rate. The girls JUS
kicked their way in and out of tn,
\ place, and felt so glad I was a man
and not a door! I tried to swallow m!
dinner-in vain; at every mOuthful
} bangl often three and four bangs il
rapid succession. My nerves wert
shattered MY mind got troubled.
was unaccustOmed to such a bang-ul
style of living l had been waited upol
! by an sorts of people in my time, bu
here was a novelty Think of wait
resses with bangs-at the wrong end o
emf They had them bad. / felt sorr
fer their poor feet which. however
were getting splendid practice for
football team. Then / wished Joh1
Kendrick Bangs were present-her
was the richest kind of material 20
an Idiot story. Next, / grew poeti,
and instead Of eating my dinner I sa
there striving to rhyme bangs wit
words that wouldn't mix smoothly. An
every moment l expected to hear tn
/ door fall, riven from its hinges.
grapp.ed with parody
! Listen TO the waitress with he
bangs-awful bangs.
It wouldn't work. The emily availabl
; rhyming word l could ccnure mp wa
oOrangulings. and what parodist woul
dare to monkey with such a word q
shat in connection with woman?
r. began afresh:
n Hear the Mattresses in gangs
Al Kicking gangsl
L What a mOnOdy-etc., etc,
q lctc.-their-?
h At the sOupy hour of noon.
When my appetite should soon
BE all satisfied by spoon,
Is Comes the mattresses
With bangs
Bangs, bangs, bangs, bangs.
r And spoil the broth. added, wratl
fully, as | stirred at the soup. 1t WI
d impossible for me to cat under the ci
. cumstances.
i. AT length, feeling that l had bett
quit the table than risk my reason,
Is rose and made my way TO the offiC
:. Recovering my sanity, l rushed to ii
l. clerk, and asked for his bill. In answ
It to a question i said that his hotel W
- o. K, but preferred to be waited up,
IS by servants who left the kicking pa
to me- I don't know whether he tuI
BLEED to it. for that was the first al
ID last time / ever saw such a she-bat
e, concern.
ar "My turn, gentlemen; what1l v
X have?"