Evening star., 1899-10-14
ADVERTISING A STAR


writer in a state of deep thought.
He was thinking.
Let's see," he soliloquized, referring to a
long typewriter list at his side. I've
hammered this bunch of pipe-dreams into
junk. It's about I'D to me.to exude few
new ones, or the old man'n be recalling me-
I'D like to hurl few dead new ones at
'em, honest Injun, 1 would" he mused
Wonder If 1 couldn't write one limiting
that she's engaged to Dewey? N-no, I
don't believe Dewey 'ud stand for that
anyhow, 1 believe the g. D., otherwise the
great public. likes 'em better when they're
neither engaged or marriad. Last time l
engaged her-lets see, who was 1t l en-
gagged her to the last time?-oh, yes, the
Jook of -Cakkyack-the dramatic editors
gave me the hoot. and the stuff wasn't
used. Might say. though, that she went to
school with Dewey when she was little
er, nay, nay. that wouldn't do. either.
Dewey's at the retiring age BY jing when
a fellows been rain-making for the same
star for three years, he's up against it for
work up some kind of new one about her
gig-lamps? Have her find $500 worth of
diamonds somewhere or other. instead of
losing that many-nope, that's been done,
too. Might make 1t rubies, or emeralds, or
bonds-no, III have to pass that. Too de-
crepit. Let's see, believe threw one into
EN- in st. Louis about the way she stopped
a runaway automobile in Central Park
Might switch that and make it how she
stopped a runaway balloon in Chicago-but
l guess that wouldn't get through either.
These dramatic editors are becoming SO al
mighty particular"
He took turn two up and down the
room, tousling' his hair and looking wor-
ried.
Might spin one out about how she chok-
ed a mad st. Bernard dog to death with
her little hands, but the physical culture
sharps wouldn't believe it could be done,
even II 1t got into type. l used a dog story
couple OF weeks ago, anyhow-how she
rescued poor, starved mongrel from the
hands OF cruel boy and took care of it.
Maybe could spiel one about her having
trained Angora kitten that curls her hair
| for her-but there are some low foreheads
VINO think that far-fetched. I'm afraid
| I've worked the animal end of it to a fin
| 1sh, anyhoW-Ive written frances about her
bany kangaroo, infant grizzly bear, suck
| ing panther, growing-up alligator-yes, I'm
afraid I've squeezed the pet fake until
| there is nothing left of it.
Might heave one out about her scrap
| ping with her leading man since the be-
ginning of the season-but, no, since that
| girl shot and killed the company's leading
| man down south the other day, maybe the
| folks nd be afraid to flock to the show,
| fearing similar involuntary tragedy.
| 'Twouldn't do to write one about how she
| put Joe Jefferson into the business, but I'd
| like to. 1t I'D be dead original, anyway.
| I've worked UP her costumes until there's
nothing but tatters left of 'em, and I've
shot em out about her Paris millinery
| til the 'P' on my typewriter is fattened
| out. Um-and I've slapped that one around
about her saving the Hospital for Blind
Girls from burning down until it's so much
pulp. Might Weave one about how Sir
| Thomas Upton handed her miniature
| Shamrock over the box-rail when he went
| to see the show, but that's such a hefty
| one that I'm afraid the dramatic editors 'ud
hand me the cold storage for trying to
spring 1t on EN-. Wonder if l couldn't
| dream one about her having picked UP the
Marconi system of wireless telegraphy from
| Marconi himself when she wasn't in Italy
| last summer? No, m agraid it's too well
| known around that she spent last summer
at her sons home in Hoboken
| Lets see, where did | use that one
| about her making a big winning on a
horse race? oh, yes, in Chicago. Well
| that went in Chicago. because it's the real
| thing fer everybody to play the ponies out
there, but m afraid there's a conventional
element back here that would pucker up
over spiel about her race winnings. And
I've mauled that one around so much
| about it requiring three private secrets ries
| for her to answer her mail, and about her
| mail consisting chiefly of offers for season
| appearances in st. Petersburg, Vienna, Ber-
lin, Paris, etc, that L fear it won't do Pos
J sible l could joggle one together about it
being her intention to go from New York
1 to Paris when the exposition's on In an air
| ship, but | couldn't get that over the plate.
Too much skepticism around, anyhow.
| Wonder If l couldn't unwind one about a
| couple Of young idiots lighting a rapier
| duel over her in some deserted park in
the middle of the night. Nay; that alice
| SdiIio SoEie proposition at EOnIdllGDl6au,
| France. and the colors wouldn't wash. And
| I've used that one about her buying one
| OF the Thousand Isles for summer home.
| Oh, I'm up against 1t, all right!''
| He paced the room a few more times, and
| tousled up his hair a good deal more.
| Il run into em in Pittsburg that one
| about how she scorned the Prince Kanzee-
| kanZoos sundry and divers offers of mat
| rimony, being finally compelled to stick a
| hat pin into him. he went on thinking.
| Likewise, I've twisted out Of shape that
| one about how Sara Bernhardt fell on her
| neck and wept over her performance. Sim
| iarly [ have macerated that one about
| Tod Sloan asking her permission to pre-
! sent her a $12500 diamond pendant, and
being haughtily refused. What's the mat
| ter with springing one about offer of
$2,Jto gross per performance for twenty
| performances in Johannesburg being spoil
ed by the probability of war between the
| Beers and the English? Um-fishy, fishy.
| Could revive that old one about how she
| saved a Manhattan Beach life guard from
| drowning couple of summers ago, but
| that's kind Of shivery one for chilly wealth
er. Might unravel one about how Rostand
the Cyrano author, sent three enyoys over
here to see If she wouldn't promise to take
| the leading role in play specially written
| for her but don't believe l could get that
used. either. Ho! Wait minute! I've got
| onen
And he sat down at his typewriter and
dashed off the following:
Mrs. Easte Lynne the accomplished and
| beautiful actress who is to appear at the
| Um-ta-ra Theater next week in a roper
| toire OF standard plays, recently came into
possession of curious pet. 1t was sent to
her by Gen. Otis, now in command of the
| American forces in the Philippines. 1t was
| found and trained by a Filipino pearl diver
| 1t is none other than an oyster that follows
Mrs. East Lynne up and down stairs, plays
| the Jewsharp and golf, and dimes wholly
on iQuefied air."
With muffied ejaculation of triumph the
dramatic press agent quaffed a. final flag
| on of mixed ale, turned out the light and
crawled into bed.