The age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1897-1902, 1899-11-19

I gather from the maps and informa ton
furnished by weak-minded newspaper men,
that you, and your brunette patriots, in
habit covey of year1ing, half-grown is
lands in the Pacific ocean. Once your law
sheep-tinted islanders were benighted, and
carniverous, but happy. Now they are
well-armed but bilious: revealing in suspen-
ders, corn whiskey and visits from naval
heroes-with wild yearnings for tissue bal
lots, convention badges and the stencn and
perspiration of a general election.
Also from the blood-curding bulletins of
the great military leaders of the American
forces at Manila who exterminate your
whole army eight times per week and
twice on Sunday, I learn that 1t is your
intention at early day to open up a
choice stock of styles of government direct
from the neutrality-suspicious. by the
people, for the people and in full accord
with the principles of the Australian, Jef-
fersonian Bib county middle-of-the-road
democracy, and with no flies on any OF
!. them.
This liberty of song is written, Aggy, TO
dissuade you from such work of super
erogation Off you will permit me to indulge
In such a simple word from the childs
primer)-this symposium of idyllic prose Is
penned to prevent you from corking your
self, so to speak, On efforts to plug along
and tinker up an oetoroon government with
picayune ward-heelers and a blasphemous
lot of bribed and bfgamous congressman,
when you can cross few acres OF the bri-
ny ocean, land upon our hospitable shores.
and find a government where the way Is
paved for the poor, oppressed foreigner to
monkey with our constitution and elect
himself to any office within the gift of the
people, with Doodle and brass.
Bring your cocoa-cola features along with
you, my colored friend; disembark on free
dom's shores, and with a lean carpetbag
and a bulldog pistol, wallow around with
our palladium of liberty, free from taxa
ton and campaign assessments, with a
hearty god-speed from all political parties
and strong yearning for fat office.
Hurry up in time to reach us before the
next election, and spend your blissful mo-
ments between now and then in becoming
acquainted with the mixed drinks of the
goggIe-eyed Caucassion and in perusing
registration lists We vote them, most No
BILE Duke, from the cradle to the grave
from the gas house to the cemetery-and
the pension list is the only thing that rivals
in Immortality the eternity of our Voting
population.
There is great future before the young
and struggling alien hungenng for politi-
cal. preferment In this great country. Half
of our congressman and the whole of our
police force were at one time obscure men,
beers of the infant Sunday school class-but
now they are easy, extemporaneous liars,
living in palatial homes with mortgages on
them and unlimited credit at the corner
saloon. Even old Vox Populi himself is yet
unhung but we have an idea of Turing him
over into Georgia and blackening him up,
when, of course, he will be lynched. None
of Tour great men were born great, Aggy;
some of our candidates for governor here
in Alabama weighed only six pounds to
start with, and yet several of them have
reached such an intellectual height as to
Anthem for the exalted position of vice
president of livery stable.
Our constitution permits all classes to
hold office, except idiots, and after one
glance around at the gang who are filling
the offices you will conclude that even this
provision is not rigidly enforced.
NV Dear Don Emillio-My Trans-Pa cifc,
Ox-blood Democrat implore you to come
along and settle with us and grow up with
the country!
Why do you linger and fritter away the
heyday of life wearing a cotton shirt four
inches too abbreviated, and wasting the
MONDAY of life on a lot of pigeon-toed,
p,mpkn-coiored coons, when you could
come to this country and knock the socks
off of everything in sight with a demo-
cratic primary?
Think over this matter, me noble Lud,
and IL you decide to cast your fortunes in
this land of the free and home of the brave,
will have the Georgia legislature extend
to you the usual official invitation. Re
WELLINGTON vANDIvER.