The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1899-07-12
MARK TWAIN'S MELON.
The Path Of Crime Which Leads to
Virtue.
London Mail.


Mark Twain was the guest OF the New
Vagabond Club at the Holborn restaurant
last night
Having large assembly of vagabonds to
address, he made use Of the occasion to
develop a brand-new scheme Of morality.
Mr.; George Grossmith, the chairman, pro-
vided the text. He said that was the first
time he had ever taken the chair.
Quite So" said Mark Twain, addressing
the gathering. Perhaps you didn't see the
full bearing Of that remark; / did Though
lots of other things, but never a chair. Now
Mr.. Grossmith is like myself-a practical.
not theoretical moralist."
And Mark Twain. in his funny, .sing-song
way, and with his Hiawatha repetitions. ex-
planned his practical morality"
You do not learn 1t at Sunday school.
There they teach You to avoid temptation.
That is theoretical morality. Now, / would
teach you to familiarize yourself with crime,
do. That Is practical morality. I begin by
teaching. you how to steal.
1T is by the fires Of experience that you
are purified. By the commission Of crime
you. learn real practical morality. Fami-
liarize yourself with every crime. Take them
on Sick Ro to Se task
gently. Commit two or three crimes every
Gay, and by and by, when you have done
a to an esa al
morally perfect, vaccinated against all wick
edness.
'I will tell you a story about the first
time 1 stole a watermelon. That is, think
1t was the first time. Anyhow, it was right
along there, somewhere. 1 stole that melon
ing another customer. Stole is harsh
term. I will modify 1t and say that with
drew the melon. l carried it to a secluded
bower and broke H. open-and il was greeni
1t was the greenest watermelon that was
raised in the valley that year. The minute /
saw that watermelon was green 1 was
sorry.
81 began to reflect. Now, reflection is the
beginning of reform. If you don't reflect
when you have committed a crime-why,
that crime is no use to you at ALL I said
stolen green watermelon? What would
George Washington do? George Washing
ton, father of his country. couldn't tell a
couldn't: What would he do? Why, there
was only one right and high and noble
thing for a boy 70 do who had stolen a
watermelon of that character. He must
make restitution. He must restore the
melon to its rightful owner.
And / said, i will do it, The moment
l made that good resolution felt the noble
wrong and you determine to do right.
| rose up spiritually strengthened and re-
freshed and L carried that watermelon
back-what was left of It'll restored it to
| the farmer, and-made him give me a ripe
| one instead
Having delivered himself. amid screams OF
laughter, of his shining example, Mr.. Glenn
| ems returned to his morals.
1T isl he said, this constant impact OF
crime upon crime, this stacking up of in
| iquity after iniquity, and thus protecting
crimes In future-it is this which builds uI
| your moral edifice and completes it. You
cannot become morally perfect by stealing
| one watermelon. nor by stealing a thou.
sand 1t has been tried. But every little
| helps"
| And so Mark Twain concluded with the
hope that the vagabonds would grow in
| practical morality until they died-an6
| might that be a long time hence.