davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

out by the ton, and it took me just about
a week to find out that l had wasted $1,000
and made the mistake of my life. The
farmers began to write in and kick. What
had become of the family almanac of
their fathers? What sort of a swindle
was 1 seeking to work by sending them a
tangled article? They didn't like the
covers the pictures nor the reading mat
ter They felt insuited and indignant.
Some of them even went so far as to pay
two cents postage and return the book.
Where / had counted on a gain of 5000
l fell behind about half that sum. and 1t
was traceable to that improved almanac.
l made sure of it by personal trip
among the farmers. Every farmer who
can afford 1t will provide himself with
labor saving machinery, keep his build
ings painted up and his fences in repair,
and he likes to take good newspaper
and have two or three magazines around.
He will even put patent locks on his barn
doors, make soft soap after new pro-
cess, and lay aside the old family Bible
for a new one. He is progressive and up
to-date in all things except his Family
Almanac. His wife may die, his children
go out in the world and his barn be struck
by lightning but those are natures laws.
There is no law of nature which demands
change in his almanac, and | have
learned that fact to my cost. When you
have injured a mans feelings you can't
expect him to become "a customer.
For this year of 1899 l have returned
to the old style almanac. Everything has
been replaced, even to the anatomical
specimen on the first page, and letters Of
congratulation and orders for my medi-
cine are pouring in. One of my mistakes
in trying to improve the pamphlet was in
leaving out the weather predictions. The
average farmer cannot take advantage
Of the weather reports. Even II he could
it would take him years and years to get
confidence. He depends on various signs
for changes in the weather. and 1t is a
fact that ne hits oftener than he misses.
When these signs are backed up by a
prediction in his Family Almanac he feels
dead sure of himself. Almanac weather
predictions are written months ahead Of
time, and are guess work, of course, but
If they hit one time out of five the farmer
is ready to swear by them. It Is only oc-
casionaMy that we receive a letter com
plaiQing that it rained where we predict
ed a fair day On the contrary we re-
ceive a dozen letters per week congratu-
lating our prophet on the way he hit off
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

the weather. Put our predictions s.da
side with those of the Weather Burd
and the farmer via be guided by 81
every time.
In my improved almanac brought
historical facts down TO the close of q
In returning TO the old one have stop1
short at the death of General Grant tn
hasn't been single kick about this. d
Chronology begins go years B. c..
most of it has been reprinted year al
year for forty years. The leaving out
the weaa known and deservediy popu]
anatomical specimen was a hard blow
the farmer You remember that there
lines radating from ali organs. The (,
mer has only to follow one of these III
with his finger to find out whether
pain In his back came from his kidneys
liver. He could count the ribs and me
sure OF the number ne possessed.
wager the cut has received more inter
and reverence than the finest landscs
ever painted. And don't you make /
mistake of thinking that the finest "a
book ever published would replace
domestic recipes given in the old altman
put a hundred new ones into the 4
proved and they were flung back at
with scorn. How 10 make tight biscuit
how to make good coffee--how to ma
fiaky pie crust-everything is there i,
as it was in 1852. You'n ana a recipe
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

Dunder went on:
1.-TWO weeks ago Shake tells me l
must join dot Fat Mems Club und be
elected president, und hat my picture
in der papers. Well, vhas der latest
man in my ward, und one night pays
81 for a cab to take me to dot club. l
climbs oop four pairs of stairs und vhas
almost dead, und What do / find? An
swer me, sergeant, how vhas it when
go into dot club room?"
mo one there, perhaps"
"But more ash feefty men vhas dere,
but nobody weighed over one hoonered
pounds. She Was a Lean Mans Club,
you see, und when a fat mans like me
comes rolling in it's makes trubbles. l
vhas flung out, und ten lean mans gif
me kicks. und down by der door my
son Shake goes ha! ha! ha! so mooch
DOT ne falls down. Do you belief l
hat some feelings in me?"
Il shouldn't wonder"
NueII, can MAI my feelings nuTL
at der time? Ehas it right for Shake
to make fools of me? No! no! l shall
stand it no more! / vhas going home
now. Poorly soon Shake Will come to
me und say:
'Fadder, for ten dollars you can hat
your picture in a history of America
und be ash big a man as Sheorge
Washington"
HE Will say dot, sergeant, und you
keep little still. l shall hat a whip,
und shall grab dot boy Shake und lick
him till some fire engines come along
to put him out. IvhilT whale him, und
Will lick him, und / shall make him
sooch trubbles dot he don't go by a
dog fight for three months. Sergeant,
mebbe I vhas arrested. If I vhas. you
know how she vhas all der time und
shall speak a good word for me. I
vhas camel, und my back vhas broke.
Goodbye, till vhas il chains.'
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

ut was not a cyclone, o. ruler"
Il see no clouds, but 1 must have been
struck by a thunderbolt?'
There has been no thunderbolts, re-
piled the prime minister.
'Then how was l stricken down in the
midst of my mightiness?" demanded the
Emir
The hoe handle flew up as you stepped
on the blade. 1t always does that way,
though sometimes you get it on the Shout
der instead of between the eyes"
The great man ordered the hoe brought
to him as he sat on the ground caressing
his nose, and he carefully examined the
blade and the handle for a long time.
When he had finished he put the imple-
ment away from him and got up with a
sigh to exclaim:
1.-THE boss of the universe knocked out
by two-shilling hoe handle. Why. 1
may even get up at night and run my
nose against an open door,
Abdul Kassan had reigned for eight
and forty years, and he had studied war
and art and politics and philosophy until
he boasted that no man on earth could
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05
WHAT WAS DONE.

During Stonewall Jackson's cam
paign in the Shenandoah valley it be-
came necessary that bridge over a
small creek should be built in great
haste.
One evening jackson sent out for his
old pioneer captain, Myers by name,
and pointed out to him the urgency of
the occasion, saying that he would
send him the plan of his colonel of en-
gineers as soon as it was done.
Next morning Jackson rode down to
Myers quarters, and, saluting the vet
eran, said: Captain, did you get the
plan Of the bridge from Col-?"
WELL" said the Captain, "the bridge
general is built, but 1 don't know
whether the picture is done or mott
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05
BOWSER HOUSEKEEPING.
Series Of Fault Finding About the Domestic Manage
nent Which Acted as Boomerangs.

There will be no bill to pay" she
replied. Il got remnant and COW
cred that chair myself, and the cook
rubbed the furniture over with. crude
oil. Everything looks like new again,
and the cost was less than a dollar"
For minute or two Mr.. Bowser was
of mind to give up and turn to his
newspaper, but things had gone wrong
at the Office and he felt that he ought
to take it out on some one. 1t also
ranked to feel that he had got the
worst of it. and he went roaming
through the house looking for some
good excuse for a quarrel. Hunt as he
would he could find nothing, but sud-
den thought flashed across his mind
the coal bill. There was almost smile
on his face as he stood before Mrs.
Bowser and said:
Didn't l tell you that the cook was
using altogether too much coal in the
range, and that you ought to speak to
her about it,"
"You did, and l spoke to her."
But what good did your speaking
do? She has burned even more than
last month. It's waste, waste, waste
from top - bottom of this house, and
you seem to delight in IT,"
"She has used considerably less coal
than last month, as the bill shows,
replied Mrs. Bowser. LAS to the waste
around the house, please mention a
few things"
81 found two large onions in the
back yard the other day. They may
not have cost over cent apiece, but
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05
OLD TIME STORIES.
Now and Then Something Happened to
Surprise a Ruler.

The king had reigned in Mercedes
for II long years, and almost every
day of his life had Dragged that he
ruled the world. His favorite painting
was one which represented all the ma
tons of the earth bowling at his feet.
and his favorite pastime was figuring
up what change he would make in
the school maps when he got ready to
break loose. One morning, an hour
earlier than usual, his lord of the
chamber awoke him and said:
20, King, the sovereign of Bandolin
has invaded your territory with $50
men,"
Have 'em roasted on splits before a
slow fire." replied the king.
But they have defeated your army"
Then call out the reserves to wallop
EN-"
but they are here at the gates"
''Then hold the gates till l get my
trousers on
But they are in your palace, o,
King, and unless you surrender and
agree to abdicate within five minutes
they will enter here to cut off your
head!"
"Catiff, do you mean that I do not
run the earth?" shouted the king as
tumhlinp ont IF hpd-'tthat am defind
invaded, knocked-out and no longer the
boss of creation!"
"That's the way it looks to me, o,
ruler" was the reply.
well, by gum. but who'd have thought
it.' growled the king, as he got his collar
and went out to deliver himself up.
For forty years, as child, youth and
man the sMAraiah Of PeShaWan had been
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

Something had happened to put Mr..
Bowser out. Mrs. Bowser detected !:
in his gait when he was yet afar OFF.
She knew he would kick the gate open
when he reached it, and that he would
enter the hall with a bang. There
would be a row within five minutes
after he got out from under his hat,
but she could not flee from it. She
realized that nothing on her part
could avert it, but she forced smile
and met him in the hall with:
"You are a little late this evening.
Was there's street car blOck?"
He took off his. hat with a "yank"
and hung it up with jerk, and after
a glare meant to wilt her on the spot
he demanded:
"Woman, do you run this house, or
do you call in the children of the
neighborhood to do it,"
II run it myself" she replied.
"And you are trying to run it to de-
struction! Out there in the gutter lies
a stair-rod-a stair-rod from our
etairs. How many others are lying up
and down the street l do not know,
hut that one is a fair sample of The
way you run things"
"But we have no stair rods, MI.
Bowser," she protested, as she pointed
to the stairs. "It is fully five years
since we changed to buttons. I'm sure
every button is in its place"
He glanced up the stairs and saw
that he was in error, but of course This
only made him the more determined to
and another pretext. He was scarcely
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

seated at the dinner table when he
growled:
O'clock stopped again, Ell? I suppose
I'll find some portion of it out in the
back yard"
cts run down." she said, as she
poured the tea.
But who allowed it to run down?
1t would take you about fifteen seconds
to wind it. and you can't spare that
much time from your gadding up and
down the streets! Beautifully run
house, this isl"
Can you wind a clock without a
key?"
But have you swallowed the key?"
''No, sir. Three days ago, as you will
remember, YOU broke the key and said
you'd stop and get another. When you
bring the new key home the clock will
be wound once a day"
Mr.. Bowser had made another mis-
take. The old key was still in his
pocket. He would try again, however
1t was too late to find fault with the
soup, but when the meal came on he
worked up piratical scowl and NUT
tered:
Beef again! Are we never to have
any meat except beef? I'm tired of the
Internal stuff, and you order it to spite
me. If it's on the table again inside
of week I'll heave it through the
window"
ut isn't beef, but mutton" explain
ed Mrs. Bowser. Il selected it myself,
and l think you will find it very nice. I"
1t was mutton SO plainly that Mr..
Bowser couldn't go back on it, but he
made up his mind that he'd pay Mrs.
Bowser off before the evening was
over or die in the attempt He said
nothing more until the meal was fin
ished and he had smoked up half his
cigar. Then he growled:
Eve got to fix the hinge of a door
up stairs, and if you haven't given the
gimlet to tramp or pitched it into the
street I'd like to use it."
Its in the box under the stairs"
He investigated, and it wasn't above
minute before he called out:
1t isn't here, of course! l presume
I'd have seen it in the street if I'd
looked around"
What do you call this?" asked Mrs.
Bowser, as she pulled the tool box out
of the closet and picked up the gim-
let.
Its gimlet, of course, but can l
drive in screws with gimlet?"
'.Of course not. You want the screw
driver, and why didn't you say so. It's
hanging up there before your eyes,"
Mr.. Bowser didn't fix the door. He
kicked the tool box to the further end
of the closet and returned to his rock
ing chair. He had raised four different
complaints and been worsted in each
instance. 1t took him about five min
utes to think of something else, and
then he said:
Il see you have got new rocking
chair and had the furniture rubbed up.
AS you didn't consult me in IL matter
you can pay the bill yourself.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

cooking turnips, one for drying pumpkin
and another telling how long 70 so1
beans before boiling. And you turn ffe
cooking to soft soap and find you rad
lay a sassafras stick across the kettle
keep II from boiling oven You arg
how TO rinse out old cider barrG
to whitewash a eellar-hoYDioI
bed bugs and how to dy
Then there are sure q
hands, cole sores, boiis bl
You are told how to ma
lame knee and 9 PHI
lame back. If the( fam
teats, loss of appetite
you only have to- kake
Almanac to learnj2 whaI
horse has a craek4A
gers or poll eva h
hand. The calves,
try come in for~a- III
housewife is 4 Rye an old dx1<
KIN Off ANTS N41l1l8k the milk out !
butter y
Eyes, II learned lesson" said the ~
ent medicine man. land 1t Is one 9TH
people may profit by also. Knowing VIII
do to-day I'd as soon think of chan9i
over the Family Bible as the Fami
Almanac. The farmer Is no more supc|
stitious than any. other class, and he
quick TO catch UP anything TO save haI
work and increase his yield; but the Ia
two things on this earth he win let
of will be his breath and his Almafse
Both were given him at bis birth. M
teen times out of twenty he learned
a, Il. Cs from the yellow pamphlet. i
ninety-nine times out of a hundred 4
collie was cured, his teethng made casio
and his measles nursed along by rexsfI
taken from the same. was drisdl{
across the country In tho WESTERN part !
the State few years ago when l car
along to where a farm house had 5uX
been destroyed by Are. The family vi
away, burt a neighbor had run hall 4 mi
and flushed in. and the two articles he III
saved of all the house were the kftch(
clock and the Family Almanac The cIo<
he put down among the thistles by /
roadside. but the almanac was tenderI
stowed away in ..ls popcket."
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05
A CRUEL THOUGHT.

Proud Mother-oh. John. the baby q
walk
Cruel Father-Good. He can walk {
floor with himself at night then.--c1
cinnati Enquirer.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

teach him anything new. He challenged
all the wise men in his kingdom to come
forward and give him ponteri and claim
a reward. There were plenty whip could
have tangled him all up in ten minutes,
but his little way of Topping off htads to
get out of a tight fix prevented them from
accepting the challenge. One day, after
his usual boast that the world Aeld no
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05
CARL DUNDER.

His Son Jake Continues To Get Him
Into Trouble.
Sergeant" began Mr. Dunder, as he
softly entered the police station the
other day. 81 like some advice about
my son Shake. He makes me so mooch
troubles vhas oopset on my head"
Its Jake again, is it," queried the
sergeant without looking up.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

The courtiers of the Emir had so long
and so persistently told him that he was
the mightiest man on earth that he had
come to fully believe it, and he stepped
high and wope his hat on HE ear as be-
came a boss of his ilk. After he had
licked the armies of three other rulers,
captured half a dozen cities and compeli-
ed all oppositions to take back seat, he
sat down to rest and publish the fact that
he was boss of the world and could not
be knocked out. He had just issued his
proclamation and was walking in the
gardens of his palace when he stepped on
the blade of a hoe which was lying on the
ground A second later white ash nam
die rose up and whacked him such
whack as to cause him to lose conscious
ness and tumble over himself. and it was
many minutes before he could be restor-
ed. When he was able to speak he asked:
WAS it an earthquake, and has my
kingdom been destroyed?'
NAY, o, ruler" answered his prime
minister.
Then it was a cyclone and my capital
is in ruins?"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05
DoANS KIDNEY PILLS.
TRUMPET NOTES OF TRUTH.
DOAN'S KIDNEY PILLS.

Enthusiastic people everywhere.
Sounding praises of the Little Conqueror.
Trumpet notes of truth.
Like music to the miserable.
Bringing comfort to the afflicted.
Telling truths for public good.
Telling how it can be done.
How the back can be relieved.
Burdens lifted, pain removed.
Comfort, happiness and health.
Facts that cannot be gainsaid.
Proven easy by your friends.
Because Wheeling people say So
That's the proof that counts.
Read this endorsement:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

1.-The lies and the cunning OF men have
deceived even the wisest of men, but ma
ture is truthful. Come with me, 0, ruler,
and look into the placid pool and see
what it reflects"
For ten long minutes the MaraJah
looked into the pool and took In the
points faithfully reflected. Then he turn
ed to the woodchopper and laid kindly
hand on his shoulder and said:
-whiz, old man, but this is one on
me! For forty years l have fondly mag
ined that was son Of heaven, and all
at once 1 discover that I'm only son of
a gun! Help me to sit down and get a
brace for my back, and if you have any
thing for that tired feeling, pull the cork
in a hurry!'
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05


to
min
be
sayI \
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

DOANS KIDNEY PILLS for sale by all dealt
Price so cents. Mailed by Foster Miburn Co., Buffalo,
y sole agents for the United States Remember the mar
--DOAN'S--and take no substitute.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-03-05

For forty years, as child, youth and
man the Mfraiah Of Peshawan had been
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1899-11-28
Boxs ARH ANGRY.
First Teune..ee win Not Go Home in a
Hody,

d q
San Francisco, Nov. 24.-The First
Tennessee regiment is not yet at rest.
1t is filed with resentment against it's
state and will not go home in body
to crafty its pride: Tennessee is the
only state that did not furnish yolun-
teeers transportation to their homes.
1T is said Governor Mcmillan could, il
he would, have secured this privilege
for the soldiers, but had some interest
in defeating it. The citizens Of the
state have given enough money to pay
for food and sleepers for the men on
the way home, but they will be obliged
to pay their own railroad fare,
amounting to $34 each. The men were
informed yesterday morning, but most
of them said they would prefer to go
home Observation-Disclosures if they had to
pay their own fare entire rather than
crafty the pride of the state which
had proved itselflsa iiiggardly toward
them, The regiment will DO muster.
ed out on Thursday, and II is probable
that only about 800 or at most 400
will go back in ahody, so thar the state
will be deprived Of the reglmental pa
rade it hoped for.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1899-11-28
rat,,. up-te-pa,e I,ahla.tn.

See. what ]. \, Hawkins, the popular
cigar manufacturer OF Leon, Ia, says
Of tbenl: Il consider Pratt's up-to-date
Tablets The finest remedy for Constipa-
ton and Headache have found in
many day J, A. Hawkins,
Leon, Ia, April s, 1899.
viii break up a cold in one night.
Price, csc per box. For sale by Clark
g. Mollison.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1899-11-28

It's Dangsroussvstop that cough
and avoid lung trouble. Nothing SO
good as Mull's Lightning Cough Cure.
Its sale for children. csc and 50e.
Guaranteed by all druggists.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1899-11-28

< A train ran into a flock of sheep
which We're crossing the track at Sloan,
and killed seventeen Of them,
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1899-11-28
"The Lions Bride. =

Mailed free for IL lion heads cut from
Lion Coffee wrappers and Q 1-cent stamp.
An unusually .fne picture. from the brush
e the noted s e. 1bs artist oanse me-
Lions briden The story 10 Interesting,
and we send with each picture Q hand
some folder, containing COPY Of the poem
and telling aliaboutit. Bike. 15x26 inches.
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1899-11-28
tylish Belt-Buckle.

welcomed for " dressed-up" occasions by
the ladies who like 10 wear different
eelored sashss. The gold. finish goes well
with any Of them. Given for 20 lion
heads and Q 2-cent stamp,
Ottumwa semi-weekly courier. [volume] (Ottumwa, Iowa) 1899-1903, 1899-11-28
sLoT MaofIlNEs musT 40.

Quilt Asustness Before sunday.
Davenport, Nov. 24.-(Special.l- ~
Mayor Baker has issued an order that
all slot machines in the city must go.
Next Sunday was set as the time limit
for the order.
Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1899-09-22

Advices from Kalisch, in Russian Po-
land, say that 32 persons were crushed
to death in n panic in n synagogue
there, caused by the upsetting of lamp.
The victims were all women and chill
dren. Many Others were injured.
President Kruger has formulated
defiant answer to Great Britain's ulti-
matum, and the Transvaal crisis has
reached most acute stage.
Advices say that the Venezuelan rev.
olution, under the leadership of Gen.
Gipriano, Is assuming overwhelming
proportions.
Nine men were suffocated by an eX-
plosion which occurred in coal mine
at Redan, Prussia.
A hurricane swept over the east coast
of Newfoundland, wrecking fishing viii
lagos and causing considerable loss of
life.
The Mexican congress convened in
the City of Mexico and President Diaz
in his message presented hopeful fu-
ture for the republic.
The reply of the government of the
South African republic to England is n
firm refusal to make new concessions
and war will probably be the result.