Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1899-01-31
TURNED THE TABLES
a STORY or ARrEMUs WARD ANO
HENRY !. BYRON.

The Fsmeus Wit Started IN g Have
seme Fsn with the DPansttst, bat
Feuna In the Esd That He Hal Met
HE lgalsh at Chs0ag.
What follows relates 70 tho arst
meeting Of the late Henry J. Byron
and Artsmus Ward. Il was ct the Saw.
age club after one Of the Saturday din.
ners, and Tom Robertson auGgested to
Artemus 10 have tiItwith Byron and,
II possible, draw him out. The genial
Snowman had only besn In England
few days. but he knew Byron's "ms.
tier" and went for him In this fashion:
II fancy Ihave seen . face like yours
before. Did you ever have brother
Alonzo?" Robertson was behind Arte-
mus and winked at Byron.
"Alas, l hadr' replied the drama
list, instantly catching the situation.
"He was q mariner. engaged ON the
deep"
"That's go"
lyon haven't heard Of him for Ave
years?"
Byron affected to be lost In reflection
and deliberately replied: cts i've
years ago this very day. How curious
you should mention Il, sirr'
"weil, sir, replied Artemus taking
out his handkerchief and pretending to
wipe away tear. II sailed the salt sea
with your brother We were wrecked
together In the gulf Of Mexico. and be-
fore help came I killed and ate him!
The moment saw you recognized the
likeness. He was good fellow. full OF
tender feeling"
81 am glad you found him tender. !"
interrupted Byron, also pulling out his
handkerchief.
"But, sir, am awfully sorry ate
him, (" said Artemus In the most imper-
turbable fashion. Had ! known i
should ever meet his brother l am sure
I'd have gone without food some weeks
longer. But was driven to II. and you
will forgive me, won't your ! liked
Aionzo," and he offered his hand to
Byron. which the latter shook with cor.
dality.
Excuse my emotion, won't your
easped Byron In his handkerchief. HE
never wrote and told me what bad be-
come Of him. ! hope he agreed with
you."
"a slight indigestion afterward. He
was little Tough" replied Artemus.
"but we'll not speak Of that. We both
suffered. He suffered most. But remem
Der, sir. tho law can't touch me now.
Il was stern necessity. and necessity. nj
you may have heard, knows no law.
But am willing to pay you damages
for the loss. About what would you
think fair compensation"
"Don't mention 10, "said Byron. who
now thought IL time 10 turn the tables.
~ think your name 10 wardF said he
eyes"
"Artemus ward!'
"Qnite 20"
lyon had fsther!'
II had"
"He was Yankee peddler In bis OWL
country. was he notl Sold bug pizer
and fine tooth combat"
you've hit the comb-l mean the
nail--on the head"
He died In the black country Of
England. did be notr'
HE did"
"weli, I killed him. knew you
were his son the moment laid eyes on
you. He was nice old gentleman, and
made his acquaintance In Stafford
shire. He wished TO 90 down deer
coal mine: 20 did /. and we went down
together. had q good time, explored,
| lunched with the miners, drank more
than was good for N and proceeded to
| return TO Mother Earth's surface After
you have been down . mine You an
fond Of your mother. ! ASSURE you. The
| prodigal felt nothing TO what ! expe'
rienced. We entered the huge basket
and were being slowly drawn toward
the mouth Of the pit when l saw tbs
old rope was about 10 map under the
strain. 1t was a perilous. horrible, q
| critical moment. The weight Of two
men was too great, and your father Wal
broad. bulky man. Self preservation
10 the first law Of nature. An instant
more and we were both lost. We seemed
to be about so feet from the top.
| I hastily called your fathers atten
tion to something-implored him. IN
fact. to look down the mine. He did 80,
and az gently tipped him over he went
whirline and crashing to the bottom
Il was rough on him. but saved my
self ! ciphered 1t out ON the Instant
like this: He 10 an old man, nearly
bald. deaf in one ear. two teeth gone IL
front. with only y few years to live.
am half his age. strong and healthy
the father Of q young family. with
career before me. q comedy to finish fol
the Haymarkst and burlesque accept
ed at the Strand. Now. l ask You. un
der the circumstances, did not behave
nohlys'
"You did, you didr' sobbed Arte
mus. 81 would have acted that wa,
myself"
~ am glad to find you SO intelligent
You ate my brother and found hin
tough, and am the assassin OF you
dear old father" continued Byron
keeping up the farce Of pretended emo
tion. 1--WE arc both avenged. Let NJ
draw q veil over the past and neve1
allude to these heartrending incident
again.
agreed. We cry quits Shaker
reared Artemus, extending both hand
and dramatically dashing flood OF i'm
sginary tears from bis eyes. Then h
summoned waiter. glasses round wer'
speedily ordered. and everybody was ful
Of congratulations upon the ready man
ner in which the two wits had conduct
/ "a tt,o;v s,rovcu,utu chaf EXCHANGE