The St. Johns herald., 1899-03-18
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 see two of you this minute.-Cincinnati Enquirer.
 Wiggins-That was a close shave General Miles had, wasn't it? Higgins Why, was he shot at? Wiggins-No, he had his mustache cut off.-New York Journal
 'Yes, sir" said the man in cell I'll; ''time was when was admitted to the very best houses" And what brought you here? '"They caught me coming out."-Tit-Bits.
 Doctor, don't you think the illnesses of most women are caused by imagina- tionY "Well, the cut rates on patent medicines are responsible for good many of them"
 ve-year-old-Pretty useful, ain't l., mamma? "Yes, dear" Almost as use- ful as a manY "Um, ye-es." ''I don't mean Santa Claus or God, but any or dinary man."-Harlem Life.
 'T s'pose you noticed that the war had quite a religious havOrY "No; in what wayY' "An the yachts were con- verted and many of the rumors were confirmed. ."-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
 A Kansas woman says: "Hard-tack nicely Drowned over slow fire, and served hot with melted cheese, is ex- cellent" Pshaw! Why didn't our sol dier boys think of that?-RichmOnd Times.
 "And you wouldn't begin journey on Friday?" Not me-" ''I can't under stand how you can have any faith in such a silly superstition" ''No supersti- tion about it." Saturdays pay-day."- Pick Me Up.
 Jack-I don't see why you call her queer girl just because she told you to see her papa when you proposed. Algy -Ya-as; but perhaps you don't know that her papa has been dead fOh five yeahs.-Judge.
 Gerald-Would that I were a glove that I might hold your hand! Gerald ine-You would make a good glove, that's a fact. Gerald-What do you mean? Geraldine-You are a regular ilid.-Bazar.
 Now" said the attorney for the de fense, "here is a skull. Can you tell us to what species it belongsY Its the skull of a lawyer" replied the expert witness. How can you tell" By the cheek bones" ."-Rural Home.
 She-But how can you think Pm pret- ty when my nose turns up so dreadful ly? He-Well, all have to say Is, that it shows mighty poor taste in backing away from such lovely mouth. lem Life.
 Philanthropist-Do you believe in capital punishment, may ask? Cynic T certainly don't. "Why, how's that% Because never yet met man that I thought it worth while hanging an- other for. r."-Exchange.
 Customer-Do you think this medi- cine will have the desired effect? Drug gist-Oh, yes; I'll guarantee 1t to work like q charm. Customer-But l have no faith in charms. Druggist-Neither have I.-Chicago News.
 ''I tell you," cried Nupop, enthusias- tically, 'that baby of mine is a wonder. Think of 1t, only eight months old and can talkv' "Pshaw! remarked his friend, carelessly, ''Ive known some men that cursed the day they were born."-Brooklyn Life.
 "Oh, you needn't talk" said the indig nant wife; what would you be to-day if it weren't for my money, I'd like to know?" 'I really don't know, my dear" calmly replied the heartless wretch, ''but I'm inclined to think I would be a bachelor. r."-ChicagO News.
 MT. Hayseed (arriving at city hOteD- I s'pose kin hear the gong here when it rings for dinner, can't 1? Clerk-We have no gong. We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from twelve to six, supper from six to eleven. MT. Hayseed- d-Jehoshaphat! How am I to git time to see the city?-New York Weekly.
 "YOu didn't fasten your essay with a blue ribbon, as you usually dO," said the editor of the magazine. ''No," an swered the contributor; my sense of harmony wouldn't permit 1t. This Is an article on the management of the war. tied it with red tape."-Wash ington Star.
 Casey-Phat? Yez be's a hero iv tn war? Phy, yez niver lift home. Hen nessy-Thrue. When Oi see thim all a-rushin' t tn front, eyther fer glory CT fer poodle, sez Oi to mesilf, ''Hinnisy, me boy, thrue heroism consists in self denial. Twill be t yer honor t shtay at home an lit tn other fellys reap tn rewards" An so I sthayed.-Life.
 "How is Reuben doing at college, Un- cle Si?" asked a neighbor. Splendid" replied Uncle Si; he's. been studyin' Scotch, and they do say he beats all" "ScotchY' 'Yes. They calls it by the name of golf down to college. He ad- dressed a ball the other day at golf, an, as far as I can see, none O the other dancers was in it."-Harper's Weekly. 1 Barber (fishing for a complimenO- Did Mir. Stubbles say anything about | his visit to my place? Victim-I think | he did; he said there was something ! unioue about your shaving. Barber ! he now? Victim-Yes; he said that while in the chair it was horne in upon you in the strongest | manner that you were being shaved; after you left it was impossible to real ize that you had been shaved.-Boston Transcript.