Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1899-07-22
JINGLEs AND Jokes or THE DAY.


The lesson was from the "Prodigal Son"
and the Sunday school teacher was dwell
ing on the character Of the elder brother.
But amidst all the rejoicing" he said.
"there was one to whom the preparation of
the feast brought no joy, to whom the
prodigal s return gave no pleasure, but
only bitterness; one who did not approve
of the feast being held and who had no
wish to attend it. Now can any of you
tell me who this was?" There was a
breathless silence. followed by vigorous
cracking of thumbs, and then from dozen
sympathetic geniuses came the chorus.
Please, sir, it was the fatted calf. New
York Sun.
Net Vendetta-"I understand that there
is vendetta between the two families
"A what?'' asked the back county Ken
tuckian.
"A vendetta: one of these fights which
are taken up from generation to generation
and which sometimes last hundreds OF
years"
mo. SIR was the answer. This is a
fight, but it's no vendetta Me and the
boys are not going to fool along for hun
bred years doing what we feel entirely able
to tend TO in less than two weeks. -
Washington Star.
The other morning a young man was
stamping about the sitting room when the
"slavey" appeared with his breakfast.
Terrible cold" he remarked sarcastic
cally. II see the glass has fallen again"
The what. sir?" asked the slavey.
"The barometer has fallen again.
''Wel, sir, if it has replied the girl st
must have been the cat, for / dinna med
die wi't!-Tit-Bits
Jimmy-Talk about tough luck Me
grandfather's dead, me mothers sick, me
old mans jagged and de babys got de
measles.
Tommy-Dat's good luck! Yer won't have
ter go to school to-day.
Jimmy-Yes; but why couldn't dey have
come in four different days and not all in
a bunch? De idea Nv me only getting one
holiday out Nv all dat mess.-Judge.
Now, boys" said the Sunday school
teacher, 'can any of you name the three
great feasts of the Jews?'
''Yes'm, can," replied one little fellow.
VERY well, Johnny What are they?"
breakfast dinner and supper" was the
uncopsciously logical reply.-Buffalo News.
He has lived five years each in Boston
and Chicago. he ought to be pretty well
rounded out"
years in New York
What for?"
''To forget what he has learned Puck.
Harduppe-I tell you times are pretty
hard nowadays.
Dedbroke-I should say so. I can't even
raise money on a diamond
That's strange"
mot at all. l haven't got the diamond"
Philadelphia Record
Chief Ito commercial traveller seeking a
place)-Do you know how to talk up goods
to customers?
Applicant-Allow me to turn on this pho
nograph with a conversation between a
customer and myself.-Fliegende Blaetter
What is your idea of a silent partner"
was asked of a business oracle on the
board of trade.
HE is the fellow who puts his money
into firm and keeps his mouth shut while
it is spent" Detroit Free Press.
Mamma-Dorothy, do you know who ate
my raisins?
Dorothy burning over the leaves of her
book more rapidly)-Mamma, you told me
yesterday some things are better left un-
said.-Detroit Journal.
''Scribbler has had a story accepted at
last"
rs it possible?"
Yes. He went home last night with an
awful yarn and his wife believed it,
Philadelphia Bulletin.
Mine host-I see the court has decided
Wheeling stogies'' may be made in
Wheeling only.
Guest-Then how dare you advertise
French fried potatoes ?-Indianapolis Jour
nal.
The reformer-Dont you know that to-
bacco is a dealy poison?
The smoker-I don't believe it. My rich
uncle smokes continually and he never will
die.-New York Journal.
Stern parent (to young applicant for his
daughters hand)-Young man, can you
support a family?
Young man (meekly)-I only wanted Sa-
rah, sir.-Tit-Bits
A DOG THAT UNDERSTOOD.