Evening star., 1899-10-14
DOESN'T LIKE RAGTIME

Permit me-, remarked the double
ohinned man IN the,eear seat, ito hurl my
self on the firing line long enough to pop
few blunderbtfss charges of slugs and nails
at this ragti15e business. am of a mel
low, genial. whole-souled temperament, and
I am possessed Of atstrong hereditary sense
of humor-if you don't believe it, ask me-
real funny ,thinglatust doubles me up. A
sure-enough humorous manifestation causes
me to gurglef Hnd snort and choke and gy-
rate around IN pure excess Of glee.
have been known TO abandon myself to
such scandalons orgies of audible joy over
really-and-truly funny things I've seen or
heard on thef stage that the ushers and
special cops have been compelled to warn
me that further outbreaks of a similar ma
ture would result In my sudden expulsion
from the theater. So. VOLTA trez bean. as
Gen. Mercier would put it. But have al
ways been impervious to the screeching
funnness of ragtime, whether 1t be sung,
Flayed. danced, or talked ragtime. From
the very beginning of the ragtime furore
| the same has invariably plunged me into a
state of deep gloom and misery. l may be
a Few mental volts shy, and 1 am willing
| to concede that 1 may not be broad
| gauge, neutrality-suspicious. whole thlng,
| but nevertheless I've never been able to
| quite perceive just where this ragtime bus
| mess butts in, as 1t were, as partaklng OF
| a humorous nature If there's anything
| convulsiyely, side-splitting funny in the
| spectacle of hectic flushed lady with her
| laboratory hair done up in the rear in a
| Tottie Coughdrop twist, many-gilded teeth,
| and that 1-grieve-for-mysef expression
| around her eyes, ploughing around a stage
in alleged imitation of an Afro-American
| nanny suffering from crick in the back
! and emitting a lot of hoarse, raspng sounds
| concerning the generosity of NAH baby
| and his methods of 'cahving 'em deep with
| his razzers, then I've just got to throw up
| my hands and admit that I'm too obtuse,
l ~ md -; -hnr-c hn
| fun comes in. For several years I have
| been prayerfully rassling with myself over
| this thing and endeaVoring to pry myself
| loose so that I could stand up in my seat
| and tumultuously applaud the ragtimer.
| man or woman upon the termination OF
| his or her performance, but l have found
| this to be impossible. The ragtime melody
| simply leaves me In q state of dull despair.
| 1 have tried, OH so hard, to work myself
| up to condition of frenzied appreciation
| when a black-face sketch team of operate
| melodlsts' have sung me the 'lntermezzo,
| and the 'Miserere' and Rock of Ages and
| The Funeral March of a Marionette' in
| ragtime but, alas Eve achieved nothing
| better than a frost with myself every time.
The ragtime pianist, who attempts to elicit
| my temDestuous enthusiasm by rendering
| me the Bridal Chorus oh, Promise Me,
| and Throw Out the Life Line in ragtiue
| always falls short by distance of about
| two blocks of doing that same, and l am
| only restored to partial happiness when I
| see his back and he rids of his neigh
| borhood. The little child actress who, wear
| ing a tall, ornate picture hat, a long, ruff
| fled Mother Hubbard, cochineal paste
| smeared all over her little cheeks, and a
| fixed smile like a facial soap ad., comes
| out on the variety stage and executes cake
| walk steps to the husky piping of her poor,
| worn little voice, telling how devotedly she
| lubs her man-such a little misplaced girl
| may arouse the ,vociferous rsibilities of
| some folks, but I'm always bothered about
| who's a-going to put the poor painted rag
| time tot to bed and Groom her to sleep I
| can stand the knockabout comedians who
| plant gittering hatchets in each others
| skills; l can endure the buxom woman in
| the black satin skirt and the yelveteen
| waist who sings strdently of the careless
| young thing who's more to be pitied than
| censured; 1. ,canS sit still while the ex-
| butchers apprentice with the bear s-greas-
| ed hair and RR fire-saIe dress suit shouts
| the griefs OF fhe beery male person who
| has bestowedgsrhe wealth of his affections
| upon a deceaHei maiden who lived in sun
| ny Tennessea with the accompaniment of
would-be soggfly pathetic pictures thrown
| on a screen n These, and whole slews and
| slathers of v4nety show manifestations,
can and do asuept part of the dose that
| is inevitably BOUND to be dished out to me.
! But when thf time comes, If it ever does
| come, that 53surc charged, satiated, over
| dosed. nauseated theater- attending public
rises up on kB hind legs. thus to speak,
| and swats alF ragtmes whosoever into the
| geographical Center of Pike county. Penn
| sylvania, it'R be an indication that the
| whole bunch Of us are fit for higher and
| r0blar thjupsir