The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1899-12-24
MR. DOCLEY ON UNDERSTANDING YOUR ENEMY.

What dye think iv tn WARP" Mr..
Hennessy asked.
''I think I want to go out an apolo-
gize to Shafter," said Mr.. Dooley. I'm
like ivrybody Use, be hivins. I thought
war was like shootin glass balls. I niyer
thought " tn glass balls thrainin' din
nymite gun on me. 'Tis a thrait iv US
Anglo-Saxons that we think iv an inirny
as target. If ye hit him We get three
good seegars. We're like people that
chreams iv fights. In me dhreams 1
niver lest wan fight. A man l niver
saw before comes up an says something
name to me, that can't raymimber. an
I climb into him an It's all over In
minyit. He niver hits me, or If he does
L don't feel 1t. I put him on his back an
bate him to death. An thin help mesilf
to his watch an chain an me frinds
come ar-rcund an say, Martin We
haven't a scratch on ye,' an con-gratu-
late me. an 1 waneher ar-roun' tn
sthreets with a chip on me shoulder till
look down an see that I haven't a stitch
on me but a short shirt An thin I wake
up Tn list Nv knockouts to me credit
in dhreams wud make F1tzsimmons feel
poor. But ne'er a wan Nv thin was print
ed in tn papers.
It's so with me frinds, tn hands
acrcst tn sea. They whit to sleep an
had dhream. An says they; We will
sind down to South Africa thin gallant
throops that have won so many hard
fought reviews they says, capitalized
they says, be tn flower iv our aristoc-
racy. they says. An whin tn Beers
come out ARMED with rollin' pins an
Bibles, they says, well just go at them
they says, an walk through them. an
that night We'll have a cotillyon at Pre-
toria, to which ell frinds is invited, they
says. An so they deposit their intel
lects IN the bank at home, an tn absent
minded beggars goes out In transports
w pathreetism an pothry. An theyse
neettn iv tn cabinet, an it's decided
that as tn war will on'y las wan weak.
twill be well f'r to begin renamin' tn
cities tv tn Transvaal aftLer poplar
English MISUNDERSTANDING
an Rhod&Sdorp. an Beitfontein FIR
they have put their hands to tn plow.
an tn sponge Is squeezed dhry, an tn
sands Nv tn glass have run out an tn
account is wiped clean.
An what's tn Boer dom all this time?
What's me frind tn Boer dom? Not
C.
amy dhreams tv conquest. But whin a.
man with long Whiskers comes r-ridin' up
tn r-road an says, Jan Schmidt or Pat
OToole, or whativer his name Is, we're
wanted at tn fr-ront, he goes home an
takes rifle fir IN tn wall an kisses his
wife an childher goodbye an puts a BIZ
bic In tn tails iv his coat an a stove
p1pa hat on his head an thramps away
An his wife says: 'Good-by Jan Don't
be long gone an don't get shooted An
he says: Not while I've got a leg undher
me an a rock In front Nv me- he saws
l tell We, Hinntssy, We can't beat man
that fights FIR his home an country in
a stovepipe hat. He might be timpted fr
to come out FIR his native land, but ne
knows If he goes home TO his wife with
his hat mussed she won't like it. an so
he sets behind a rock an plugs away.
If tn lid is knocked off he's fatally
wounded.
What's tn raysult, Hinnissy? Tn Brit
ish marches up with their bands playin'
an their flags f1yin, FIR it's thradition
Nv tn British ARMY that war is bein'
shot at. That's wrong. War is shootin'
at tn other fellow. An tn Beers SQUAT
behind a bowldher or a three or set COM
Portable in tn bed Nv a river an bang
away. Their on'y thradition is that It's
betther to be a live Boer thin a dead
hero. which comes, perhaps. to tn same
thing. They haven't been taught FIR
hundherds Nv years that it's miracle
FIR to be an officer an disgrace to be a
private sojer They know that If they're
kilt they'll have their names printed in
tn papers, as we'll as tn Markess Nv
Doogleberry, that's had his eyeglass shot
out. But they amt lookin FIR notoriety
All they want Is to get home safe, with
their country free, their honor protect
ed, an their hats In good ordher. An
so they hammer away an tn inimy keeps
comm an tn VARIOUS editions iv tn
London pa-apers printed In this country
keeps standin line Nv type beginnin L
regret to state
Cali this, Hinnissy. comes Nv dhreamin,
dhreams. II tn British had said: This
unelean, an raypeecious people that
were against is also very tough. Dirty