davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

Ladies and Gentlemen-Before open
ing our exhibition this evening I wish
to state that last night, while interest
ing a large and cultured audience at
Tonawanda, an unhung villain hit me
in the left lung with a summer squash
and attempted to incite a riot Should
ANYTHING of the sort occur here tonight
it will be followed by the dull thud of
the unhung villains heels striking the
ceiling as l swing him by the neck. 1t
is also my custom to pass the hat and
take up collection for some
worthy object The worthy OBJ
iect on this occasion is to add
something to the capital Of 62
cents which is reposing in my vest
pocket. If you will make it up to IS, |
can square my hotel bill and get out of
town to keep my next date. Whatever
you give, give cheerfully. Thanks
and thanks-and the collection
amounts to is cents, and l return my
heartfelt thanks.
My illustrated lecture this evening
will deal with man. AS near as we can
determine from history, the world was
created thousands and thousands Of
years before man was made to inha6it
tive are told that Adam was the
first man, and pictures of him show
chap who'd be sure of the gold-headed
cane at any church fair Of the present
day. We must go a little slow on
Adam, however Instead OF being the
first sample of a man, he was probably
the tenth or fifteenth. l hereby pre-
sent you with picture of the first ere
alton of man. Nature had begun her
experiments. She realized that there
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23
$40 WORTH OF JUSTICE.

I've seen a good deal of the West"
remarked the Philadelphian, land
have always found everything pretty
nearly right except in the case of just
ice. I've had three or four whirls at
that and always been downed, but my
last case was the funniest Of all. l
was stopping for few days at a VII
lage tavern. There was a patent-right
man mere as well, and on the first day
of my arrival rhe informed me that the
was a somnambulist.- As the nights
were hot and the windows opened on
the same veranda, he said I needn' t
be surprised to wake up and find him
in my room. had little TO say, but
made up my mind that If caught him
prowlin I'd give him in a surprise
party. He didn't show up the first
night, but at midnight of the second l
heard him moving and got ready for
him. The room was only fairly dark,
but | fixed the pillows as a dummy and
hid myself behind the chair. The fell
low stood at the window for moment
TO listen, and then entered, and so care
fully did he move that he was five min
utes in reaching for the bed. He was
sneaking out with nay watch in his
hand when | rose UP and swung my
right on him and knocked him into the
middle Of the next week. Before he
had recovered his senses 1 had the land
lord up, and later on the constable had
the fellow to the lookup. His case
came up the next day, and queerly
enough he made it hot for me. lie
proved that he had told me he was a
sleep walker and that he might enter
my room. No somnabmulist, he con-
tinued, was responsible for his actions
when asleep. He had taken the watch,
but 1t was only by accident that he had
not lugged of a chair instead. 1t was
my duty, knowing what he was, TO
have accosted him instead OF smashing
his jaw. and if there was any injured
party, ne was the one.
Would believe" continued the Qua
ker descendant, with laugh. that the
justice OF the peace swallowed that
yarn aad discharged the prisoner. He
did for fact, and then what did the
patent-right man do but turn around
and have me arrested for assault and
battery. Yes, sir, and as had to plead
guilty to striking him I was fined $40
and costs Then he was going to sue
me- for damages. and had 70 give up
% big dollars to settle the matter In
brief, I was about forty out of pocket
for protecting myself from robber.
but it seemed to be the general opinion
in the town that | was leniently dealt
with. wanted to tell HIS Honor
what I thought OF such Justice, bat
knowing that it would mean State
prison for the rest Of ny life. I kept
still in court and did ny cussing in my
room
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

ought to be a man around. but Just
what form to put him in was a stick
er. Ny special artist wasn't on the
spot. but you have the word Of @. Hope
Jones that this picture is authentic.
As to how long man existed in his
first shape we have no means of know
ing. He probably sloshed around for
500 years or more, and was idiot
enough to think ne was having a stav-
ing old time. Then nature took an
other whack at him. His looks prob
ably made her tired, and one day she
caught him back of his neck and shook
him into the shape you now behoi N
the canvas. The fore-legs we're chs d
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

The height and bulk Of all things was
being trimmed down. 1t had been
found that a rfinosceros 12 feet high
and as long as a woodshed answered
just as wen as one twice the dimen-
sions, and that humming birds
needn't be larger than ganders to make
things hum. There was a general cut
ting down Of family expenses, and man
came in with the rest of the crowd.
Here you behold him in his fourth
shape. Note the slow but steady i'm
proyement. The more she applied her
self to the job in hand, the greater was
natures success. You may look
around you to-day and find plenty of
No. men. They belong to the crowd
which was sent away from home when
No. ; was presented. had one in my
audience at Danbury the other night.
He deadheaded MS was in with the in
tention Of breaking Up my moral exhi-
bition. but the audience was with me,
and he was mopped over the floor and
ehucked through a window.
And now we come down to Adam.
Having discovered that all she had to
do vas to keep pegsing away. nature
determined on creating man a. you ina
hin to-day It was a rsried 3.000 years
between man No. and man No. 5, ana
there were lots OF tine to figure out
where the old shingles should be ripped
on and new ones put on. No. would
have passed muster at a ward caucus
or football game, but ne was weak in
the back. shaky in >rhe knees and
needed new reof-boardsN over his face.
Woman was to appear on the scene,
and man must be trimmed up to meet
the occasion. Out Of No. No. 5 was
created, and named Adam and given
the Garden of Eden as his stamping
ground. Ny friends. have no pic
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23
Mr.. BOWSER'S POPULATIONS.
He Buys Colonial Clock and Thinkers il Up.
BY NJ. QUAD.

dom for nation. As she seemed in
different, however, he choked back the
words. The clock struck 800 times, and
was still whanging away when he up
ended it against the wall and attached
the weights and pendulum. The strik-
ing went along just the same, and as
Mr.. Bowser stepped back and scratched
his head and run out his tongue and
puzzled over it, Mrs. Bowser quietly
arose and went up stairs.
Every stroke reminds me of brave
deed or a noble sacrifice" muttered
Mr.. Bowser as he reached out for one
OF the weights, but | don't want too
much Of it all at once. I think she'll
stop after"
But she didn't. He lifted up the
weights to lease her off, and in so do
ing unlocked it, and down it came
with a smash on his foot. He uttered
an awful yell and staggered backward
over chair, and if Mrs Bowser hadn't
called that clock a feed-box he would
have continued his racket till she came
down. She. was down on that clock,
and after one long, loud yell he bit it
off short. She had been alarmed, how
ever, and leaning over the banister she
demanded:
"Mr. Bowser, is any one trying to
murder you down there?'
"It was the cats in the back yard!"
he replied as he sat up and earessed
his foot and swore under his breath.
It was ten minutes before he could
stan dup and not for an instant did the
clock cease to strike. He finally man
aged to get the other weight off and
the pendulum unlocked, but there was
a continued r-r-r-r-r, which set his
teeth on edge. He grabbed the old
clock and shook it from side to side,
but all the wheels started to buzzing
in chorus.
''Durn my hide, but what ails the old
thing, anyhow" exclaimed M. Bow
ser as he sat down to wipe his brow.
"There's the initials j. H as plain as
the nose ON my face, and John Han
cock used to wind these weights up
with his own"
There was a sudden cessation of the
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

dgr.amita When ] stood up thar and saw
TIA; landslide bumpin isrelf fur ny cabin
I says 70 nyssf that 4 Is ntts III woiiop
pan'I tlsi &c noots IKE an owl I'm Il
n,au n my word sHe hii. and Dael viii
rss wolcpf9 Tell him ms rom tanks OK
BIN a dozen times day. out don't de-
calve about what's 70 happen when hs
comes hore lie may put 4 on I'D he's
81 tall as a gres and as old ~ hiu, bas
sfU BE- all the same. It's woilop tust and
forgive arserw ards, aad yga kia kindly
rag - him;
.Dang. make tracks ard git Il over
vita ard let them kla the fattea calf and
staff ygu 90 30 ae calnH
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23
Il SAW HIM RISE.

"Then you'B ten him you've seen his pop
ana MON. and chat both 81 as want him to
come home You kin tell him that nobody
was killed. and we've got new house.
and that huuun' and fshiu' was never bet
ter. You-u speak kindly ana you'n say:
DaufL you'd better make tracks fur
home
~.But I'm afraid Of Pop, he'll say.
"'As how says yon.
"'As heIl woHop me says he.
".But he's bound 20 do g. SAYS you,
and it's better 70 hev 70 over With and
hoy It or yer mind
"R1t IL ! should eeet Daniel couldn't
propose that you won't woilop hing !
asked
Never. stranger-ncver'' soiennly re-
piled the old man. "Danl was too peaSy
near,. and he's got to be licked fur %.
could hey smoaed ont that bar, or waited
around TIL be hod come out but Danl
woa.dn't hev H. lie vas pearf. aud was
grown pearter, and he was bound 70 use
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23
BLOWING UP A BEAR,
Was Daniels Idea. and it Worked Too We'll.
BY NJ. QUAD.

I was staying all night with set
tier in the mountains of North Caro-
lima and as there were no children
about 1 finally asked him if he had
neither sons nor daughters.
We've got a son somewhat. if he
amt dead he replied. Yes, we've
got son named Dan'l, and if you hap
pen to meet up with him at Asheville
or Salisbury I wish you'd advise with
him. Tell him he'd better come home
and take a wolloping and begin all
over agin. He'll git licked when he
does come, and ii won't do no good to
put it off. The longer he stays away
the harder I'll lick
did Daniel run away from homer"
I asked.
Softer that way. sir. He didn't run
away bekase he wasn't used well. but
bekase he'd got too powerful peart fur
anything, and in bein' so peart he nigh
destroyed the hull family. Drat his
pesky hide, but that's a mighty big
wollopin' laid up for him! I'm long
in to see him. and longin' to furgive
him and hev him back, but he's got to
take that llckin'"
But what did Daniel do?'
at was all about bar, sir, and it
was three years ago. We was Twin
half mile up the road then. We had
a mighty comfortable cabin and things
all right, and Dan'l was II years old.
One day, when me and him was out on
the mounting arter squirrels. we come
across a bar The varmint made
tracks. and we followed on until we
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

slide She went eoomin' righy
carryin' the dead body OF the b ~
her, and | heard a crash and "
she struck the house.
WAS your wife in the house?" 1
she was. sir. She heard the
comm, but hefo' she could sit out
cabin was picked up and wrecked I
she escaped death the Lawd only knoSs.H
but escape she did. We lost the house and
everything in it, however. and the slide
tore up al the fruit trees and covered ,up
al the garden, l saw 1t ali as l stood
thar on the mounting. and l also saw
suAthIn' else. DSnl had taken a sail in
tile air. but he wasn't hurt When he
CANT down he realized what his peartness,
had done. ard bein afraid Of llchint he
started OF down Hill like a RABBIT. saw
him bounding over rocks and bushes and
yelled At him, but he kept right on, and
has never come back. It's three long
years. sir. and he's never come back"
But Daniel didn't knnx he was going
to bring about landslide" I said in
excuse.
"But he didn't stop TO fgger on it,"
protested his father. He lest went right
ahead with his peartness and didn't
ngger"
"But you'n overlook It Il he returns?"
I'm overlook il, sir, but not until I've
glvin him powerful ickin. Yes. sir, III
wollop him til he hollers fur mercy, and
then III shake hands and say I'm glad
to see him You may run across him TN
travejin' around. You'll know him by the
swing Of his legs and his lop shoulders.i
Jest walk right up TO him and say;
'Nfebbe yer name is Dan1 Redfern,
son of the old man Samuel
She be- he'll say.
"'Mebbe you want to blow up another
bar and bring about another landslide?"
I don't reckon do he'll say.
How about peartnessg' SAYS You.
I haven't got any left says he.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23
STAGGERED BACKWARDS OVER A CHAIR.

strange noises, but after the lapse of 10
seconds, and just as a smile was work
ing up on Mr.. Bowser's face. the strik-
ing recommended with new vigor, and
there was added a wall like that given
forth by planning mill.
''Mr. Bowser, have you got a dog
fight down there?" called Mrs. Bowser.
"Yop attend to your business and
will to mine!" he replied, and he adj
vanced to the clock and gave it a
thump with his fist The noise con-
tinued just the same, nor did it cease
when he banged it still harder. Had
the Colonial clock been as we'll ac-
quainted with Mr. Bowser as Mrs.
Bowser was it would have made ready
for a calamity. His ears and the back
of his neck began to get red and his
chin to culver, and Mrs. Bowser
knew that the end was near when she
heard him utter:
You bet your life l don't stand no
such nonsense from any clock ever
made by mortal hands! You'll stop
that noise or come down with a
bang!"
He gave it two minutes longer to
stop. 1t kept right on Then he
seized the old relic with both hands,
gave it wrench and a twist. and it
was brought to the floor face down
wards. But even then there was no
let-up. While the bell continued to
strike for Liberty, there was a grind
ing and groaning of wheels which
might have been meant as a requiem
for John Hancock.
demanded Mrs. Bowser from the head
of the stairs.
He did not answer her. Drawing
q long breath and forgetting all about
his smashed foot he lsaped high in the
air and came down upon that pa
triot Of rs. There was smash and a
crash, with wheels and springs and
splinters flying around the room, ard
then silence, Fire minutes later Mr..
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

"Why, the one you have down STAIRS
the one John Hancock used to own.
There is no old clock down stairs.
am net picking up Colonial clocks.
don't know anything about John
Hancock and don't want to. AS I'm
not feeling we'll this evening I'm go
ing to bed early, and you'll oblige me
very much if you'll keep your chin
still for the next fifteen minutes"
but did you-you-'
But he glared at her until she felt
her blood run cold and then limped of
to his own room to doctor up his foot
and larrup the memory OF John Han
cock.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

to armS, the tail dropped off, and there
was an improvement in facial express
ion. He wasn't pretty by any means,
but he vas doubtless good enough for
the times he lived in. For society he
had elephants 2S feet high, sharks so
feet long,kand grasshoppers as big as a
bxndle DIFF. Woman wasn't created
yet, and there was no call for man to
show OFF. thirk that man No. had
a better tie than man No. l. There
were more Epcoaauts and water melons
and persim}1ons around. and he had a
hide on HIM ESQ thick that he could wan
der through a blackberry patch or
sleep annidss Canadian thistles and new
er know wh2f tickled him. There were
so few Of him that each one could feel
that he owned the earth and could car
ry a chip onl his shoulder.
1t is mere guess work as to how long
man No. (existed as you see him.
Some put it Vat thousand years. and
some at ten Thousand. We must be-
lieve, however, that ne had bully good
times and madh the most of them. Dur
ing his interval mature must have been
figuring on HOW she could improve him
All she had to do was TO take a square
look at him toHsee that there was
chance to bettels him. Man No. l had
been created IS feet high. This was 70
enable him to y st his chin on the
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

tracked him into a sort O. cave. That
cave was purity near on top the mount
ing. and right in line with our house.
I was fur smokin' the bar out, but
DanT seen a chance to be peart and
he says:
"Pop. the wind is wrong, and the
cave is too deep, and you couldn't
smoke that bar ont in week
"Then wen wait behind the rocks
and ambush him, says I.
"But he may not come out fur three
days and nights"
az reckon III go arter our big trap
".No use, pop. says Dan'l as he gifts
pearter and pearter. 'Thar's jist one
way to git that bar, and that's my
way
".Ar' yo' purtendin' to know mo-
about bars than your old pop, what's
seen fifty to your one. says l as l
grabs fur him.
"T'm a-knowin' what I know he
answers as he jumps away. My way to
git that bar out is to blow him up.
"How you goin' to do it?'
"owlth that stuff they calls dynamite
They ar usin' it over at the quarry,
and you sot yere aud watch and I'll
20 arter some. It's warranted to blow
a bar sky-high.'
Il didn't like DanFs peaTtness," said
the father. "and | didn't know nnthin
bout dynamite, but he hung out fur his
way and went OF. Nuthin' happened
while ne was gone. and when he come
back he showed me a sack Of queer
lookin' stun and said:
".All lie got to 20 j to throw it
into the cave. When It strikes tharn
be an earthquake. and If that bar don't
tumble out yere and Ak 70 be skinned,
then you may wollop me-
"'Dan'l, / dont like the idea. says I.
but why not? says BE-
Its too peart. Nobody ever gifts
ahead by TOO much pear,ness
But you've got 10 be peart to sit
bar.
1T wasn't no use to argue with
DanI. sighed the old man. "Arter
speakin' my mind let him hev his way
and he got cluse up 10 rhe cave and
thTvwed the dynamite Il wasn't tro
Seconds befo' / saw aim rise 10 feet in
the air along o. stones and bushes and
dirt and the ground trembled ike a leaf
vas watchin' DanI come down wien
about half an acre Of ground broke or
and went slipasn' 6osa- Ii gathered
mo- as it went. and Earxy noon about
milly0n tons Of rock. trees 4aa dirt aas
landzlidin down be face flfhe noun
ting and headed direct far m 1spln.
yelled 70 DanI. and Dali yell ne
but yeilin' WASN'T goinAio SO
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

As the Bowsers finished dinner, the
other evening, an expressman drove
up and announced package, and while
ia a strange object, Mrs. Bowser was
wondering to herself whether it was
the model Of man-ofwar, a baby car
rage or some new patent contrivance
to throw cats off the back fence by
pressing a button in the family bed
room. She asked no questions, how
ever, and Mr.. Bowser vouehsafed no
explanations until he had lugged the
package into the sitting-room and re-
moved the wrappings. Then he said
81 have been keeping my eyes out for
something like this for the last five
years, but just struck it to-day. Got a
bargain, too. It's worth double what
I paid for it."
rs it new sort of moth-proof
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

backbone of a spring calf Having
shortened up the legs of the calf,nature
reduced the height of man No. 2 to IL
feet. After several thousand years of
knocking his head against the lower
limbs Of trees, man prayed to be short
ened still more, and No. was reduced
to II feet. His ears were also trimmed
down, more hair was grown on his
face, and his figure was nodded on
plan which permitted him to dive
through a hole in a fence in case dog
10 feet high and IS feet long got after
him. 1t is easy to see She great i'm
proyement between No. ] and No. 3.
Nature had begun to understand what
sort of job she had tackled, and to
have a definite end in view. ! wish to
interrupt myself at this juncture to OBJ
serve that the one-eyed man directly in
front of me appears to he awaiting a
favorable opportunity to throw an egg
my way. I do not know whether the
egg is good or bad, but do know that
the motive is sardonic. and have a
brick-bat at hand which will be hurled
in reply in the most cheerful and Wig
orous manner.
We now come to the fourth change
in Man. No. q was thought good
enough for two or three thousand years
but in changing other things over, ma
ture finally got around to him again.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

chest?o asked Mrs. Bowser as she bent
over it.
mo, ma am, it isn't. Neither is it
a wl1eelbarrow or a rat-trap. At some
period or ether in your life you may
nave heard that we had row with the
British in 1776. Numbers of the pres
ent States were colonies then. The in
habitants were called Colonists. They
had clocks. This is one of them"
"But we have four clocks in the
house! she protested.
Suppose we had forty? l bought
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

trre of Adam. There is no need OF
one. The picture which now show to
you will be instantly recognized as
that of the man who stands before you.
Adam and I look as near alike as
twins, and there is no need of going to
the expense of another slide. In @.
Hope Jones you behold natures last
and greatest effort When she had
completed her work, she stood back
and surveyed it and pronounced it
tip-top and hard to beat. l do not hold
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23
WELL. NOT EXACTLY.

When the late Alderman walthrnan
vas Lord Mayor Of London man was
brought before him on charge Of
vagTaney.
what countryman are you" in
qulred the alderman.
An IrisAnan. please yer honor"
was tie Iegly.
Thel alderman added: Were you
ever 4t scar
'CJEne. yer honor" answered Paddy,
dye think crosse& from dublin ip
wheeiDarrow?s 2
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

this clock for its antiQuity-for the SEN
timent connected with it. We could
duplicate one Of the Pyramids of Egypt
in our back yard, but thre would be No
sentiment about it. I got the clock for
$50, and / can sell it any minute for
$500. It was owned by John Hancock
himself as you can see by the initials,
j. H. scratched on the case. For 20
years he would permit no hand but his
own to wind ii"
And you paid $50 for that old feed
box!' exclaimed Mrs. Bowser, as she
fell back
Mr.. Bowser jumped foot high, and
turned as white as snow, but he hung
On to himself and replied:
Not another wordl Don't ever dare
look at it again l bought this clock
to please myself, and it's nothing to me
whether you like it or not"
Mrs. Bowser sat down to the newspa-
per, and Mr.. Bowser removed his coat
and vest and got out his tool box. The
seller of the clock had been honest
enough to say that it needed cleaning
before it would tick-tack off the correct
time, and that was one of the reasons
which induced Mr.. Bowser to buy it.
He knew that he would thoroughly en-
| JOY tinkering away at an old clock.
Maid the cords and weights aside, got
ase upon table, and by use OF the
kriver he soon had the interior
Rder his eyes. There was no
peeded cleaning. He discov-
of Colonial bed-quilt
wheels, and the mice
yarn and cotton and
nests in the corners.
fragments had
liberal dose of Gil
Zee old clock sud-
The first few
lie to Mr.. Bowser's
Plost ready to say
it was the chime
ringing out free
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-07-23

Bowser came toiling up stairs, and
Mrs. Bowser kindly remarked:
Il have been thinking about those
Colonial clocks, and think your idea of
getting one"
woman, are you talking to me?"
he shouted at her.
"Why, yes. l was saying that it was
a good idea to pick up that, clock
for"
What clock?"