Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1899-12-04
CUPID WITH A
WOODEN HAND
How a Bachelor Outwitted His
Sister and Got Married.


ing to my mother, was a flower of
beauty. He may have been, but when
he came to live with US he had faded
and was short, thick man of so, with
scorched eyes, the whites being streak
ed yellowish brown, knotty face and
a wooden hand strapped to his right
wrist. But, as he had done well on
the sea, he was still beautiful AS I
was his heir presumptive, was like
wise assistant custodian Of him, for
my mother was ever one to guard her
treasures.
My duty was to go abroad with him
and see to it that no woman had
private conversation with him, my in
structions being, if they endeavored to
do so, to hurry him home, resorting,
if necessary, to pretended cramps, a
sickness to which I was predisposed.
And my office was not an easy one,
for he had in his day been quite a
blade and had never lost his edge, and
the vigilance 1 had to exercise to keep
him from harm would have saved a
congregation of ordinary sinners. He
would always wink his scorched eyes
at the girls we met and occasionally
stop to speak with them, despite my
Juggling at his coat and having cramps.
All his transgressions I would report
at home, and my mother would then
blacken the characters of the young la
dies in question to degree that satan
himself would not have associated
with them without wearing an amulet.
By these and similar means we saved
him for a year, and might have saved
him to the day of his death had 1 not
been taken down with my first love
affair and become CORRESPONDENCE
mushy. How true it is that lovers are
the tenpins of the gods! Being mushy,
/ fell to plying his isolation from femi-
nine charms and was thereby led, on
the 18th of Il February, to sending him
q valentine-a pair Of plump red
hearts spitted on a golden arrow. 1t l
duly posted, and later it was delivered
to him. That evening, being Wednes-
day, my mother went, as was her in
violate custom, to prayer meeting, 1eav
ing me on guard. AS the door closed
behind her, Uncle David got out Of his
chair and went to the window.
''She's aboard he said, peering out.
IL
"a what? said 1, knowing 1 must
report the remark.
He made no reply, but came back to
his chair.
''Bennie,' he said presently, "did you
ever get valentine?"
mo, SIR" said family. did you"
He did not answer.
do you know when you are going to
wear a watch?" he asked suddenly.
was going to say when he died, but
thought better of it.
Il do" he went on; tomorrow. 1t
is in my chest. 1t doesn't go, but when
you want to know the time you can run
home and find OUT
"Of course" 1 exclaimed joyfully.
"Why not?"
Answer yourself" he said. 'sTo-
morrow # is yours. Tonight we are
going out. Fetch me my feathers"
L got between him and the door.
Come to Think he said, eying me
sharply, ''the watch does go, and there
is a chain to it."
Eve got only an apple. What would
she have done for a watch? Without
word l brought him his best suit,
which he always spoke of as his
feathers, from the press in my moth
er's room and where she was keeping
it against his funeral.
You can't get them on" 1 said
hopefully, noting their size
mo more have 1 for 80 years." he
answered, 'but 1 can pull in. If you
hear me ripping look sharp and turn
me the other way. There is a charm
to the chain.''
He shouldn't have mentioned the
charm, for the rapidity with which 1
got him into his clothing damaged his
wind, but when l had him crowded
into them he looked fine barring
alarming symptoms of suddenly COM
ing out of them at all points. As
soon as he was dressed we started,
taking along his great coat. to be used
in case of accident.
a square down the street we stop
ped. Then my heart beat com fortably.
1t was Miss Hannah Bakers house,
and ! did not consider Miss Hannah
at all dangerous, she being my moth
er's bosom friend and with a reputa-
itiOn as a man hater, having once in
public meeting prayed for the saving
|of men, whom she designated as de-
lthroned devils. In response to my
iuncle's knock, Miss Hannah opened
the door.
" THE Lord save usp' she exclaimed
nhospitably. 'Is it youY'
sit is" said my uncle, swapping for