The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1899-07-10
marx TWAIN 70 FR|ARs.
AMERICAN HUM0RIsr TALKS NE
FonE THE LONDON CLTD.
anA DFeaking views and Gives .
MetheA ~ which Any Man May
Become IN lnprenDta Speaker.

gueS1 OF the w hite z mars 1iuD the otHer
evening 1t Is q. literary club founded by
an honorary member OF II quarter OF a
century ago. On this occasion the chair
was taken by Pouitney Bigelow. Senator
chauncey AZ. Depew was present.
The toast OF "Our Guest was proposed
in eloquent terms by Louis F. Austin, Of
the illustrated London News, and In the
course Of some humorous remarks he re-
ferred TO the imaginary woes OF the
''Friars." as the members OF the club style
themselves. Mark Twain's reply was in
his happiest vein. az the following verbatim
transcript will show.
The great humoriSt was received with a
prolonged outburst OF applause as he rose.
and when silence had been restored he be-
gan I'm his charming. dreamy. converse
ticnal style:
Mr. Chairman and Brethren of the Vow
lin whatever the VOW ~ for although
have been a member OF this club for ave
and twenty years don't know any more
about what that VOW Is than Mr.. Austin
seems TO. But whatever The vow Is, don't
care what II Is. I have made thousand
vows.
Twain's Greatcst Pleasures
There is no pleasure comparable to
making vow in the presence OF one who
appreciates that vow. in the presence Of
men who honor and appreciate you for
making the vow. and men who admire You
for making the vow.
There is only one pleasure higher than
that. and that Is to get outside and break
the vow. A vow Is always a pledge OF
some kind or other for the protection Of
your own morals and principles or some
body elses. and generally. by the irony
of fate. II Is for protection OF your own
morals.
Hence We have pledges that make us
eschew tobacco or wine. and while you are
taking the pledge there Is a holy influence
about that makes you feel you are re-
formed and that you can never be so
happy again In this world until-you get
outside again and take drink
II had forgotten that I was a member
OF this club. II is so long ago. But now
remember that I was here five and
twenty years ago. and that 1 was then at
a dinner of the White Friars Club. and II
was in those old days when you had just
made two great finds. All London was
talking about nothing else than that they
had found Livingston and that the lost
Sir Roger Tchbofne had been found-and
they were trying him for 1t.
And at the dinner Chairman do not
know who he was-failed to come to time.
The gentleman who had been appointed
TO pay me the customary compliments
and 10 introduce me, forgot the. compli-
ments. and did not know what they were
Humorist's Narrow Escape.
And George Augustus Sala came in at
the last moment, just when l was about
to go without compliments altogether. And
that man was gifted man. They Just
called on him instantaneously while he
was going to sit down to introduce the
stranger. and Ga!a made one of those mar
velous speeches which he was capable of
making.
II think no man talked so fast as Sala
did. One did not need wine while he was
making a speech. The rapidity of his ut
terance made "A man drunk In minute.
An Incompatible speech was that. an i'm
promptu speech. and an impromptu speech
Is a seldom thing, and ne did II SO we'll
''He went into the whole history OF the
United States and made 1t entirely new
10 me. He filled II with episodes and Incl
dents that Washington never heard Of
and he did IL so convincingly that al
though l knew none of 1t had happened.
from that day 10 this do not know any
history but Sala's.
81 do not know anything so sad as
dinner where you are going to get up and
say something by and by and you do not
know what 1t is. You sit and wonder and
wonder what the gentleman il going TO
say who is going 10 introduce you. You
know that IL he says something severe
that II he will deride you. or traduce you.
or do anything of that kind he will fur
nish text. because anybody can get up
and talk against that.
Anybody can get up and straighten out
his character. But when gentleman gets
up and merely tells the truth about you.
what can you do7
Mr.. Austin has done we'll. He has sup
piled so many texts that will have 10
drop out lot of them. and that is about
as difficult as when you do not have any
text at all. Now. he made beautiful and
smooth speech without any difficulty at
all. and could have done that If had
gone on with the schooling W IN which I
began. see here a gentleman on my left
who was my master in the art of oratory
more than twenty-five years ago.
jest at Depew's Expense.
When / look upon the inspiring face
Of Mr. Depew IL carries me a long way
back. An old and valued friend Of mine
is he. and learned many things of him
and saw his career as 1t came along, and
II has reached pretty well up to now
when he. by another miscarriage of Jus
tee. Is a United States senator But
those were delightful days when | was
taking lessons in oratnry.
MY other master-the ambassador-is
not here yet. Under those two gentlemen
learned 10 make after-dinner speeches.
and IL was charming
You know the New England dinner Is
the great occasion on the other side Of the
wa1s- II is held every yesr To celebrate
the landing ~ the Pilgrims Those Phi
griins were lot % people who were not
needed In England. and you know they
had great rvary. ard they we're per
sslaied "a ~ elsewhere ard they char
tered ship called the Mayfower and set
san. and have heard /, said that they
pumped the Atlantic ocean through that
ship sixteen times.
They felt n over there with tire Dutch
firm Rotter lam. Amsterdam. and lot of
other places with profane names and IL ss
from that gHug that sir. Depee * de-
seconded
''1a The other hand, Mr.. Choate is de-
scended :roas those puyitans sho landed
az sitter night IN December Every
wear those PEOPLE used tn meet at grand
asngues in New York and tf1nse masters
81 EsltrCt in oratory had In make speeches
IL was isr. DePew's business 20 &c; I'D
tAeTg and arrstcgsEe fer the Dutch. and
~" ttrcafe rad 70 get up later ana ex-
plain TIE crimes II the pIritars ana
grand fsea0s fui times Ne used 40 have