davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13

'Mistah Nightingale, plead guilty
to having lived long number of years,
but I have called this afternoon to con-
vince you that Notwithstanding my adj
vanced age l can still hold a pistol-a
pistol, sab, and that I can count the
shirt buttons on man at ten PAGES.
Will you take a walk with me in the
grounds of my friend Judge Dorsko, or
would it be mo- convenient for you to
meet this relic of the drift period at
sunrise tomorrow mawnin'?'
THE next issue of that editors paper
was out day ahead of time," said the
Kurnel, as his eyes twinkled with salts
faction. He was in hurry to set me
right, sah-to give the number of my
battles at II and my wounds at five,
and to announce that my nomination
as state senator was equivalent to an
election. Beautifully done, sah-bewti-
fully done for a country editor who
wasn't posted on the drift period, and
he has ever since insisted on sending
me copy of his paper free. There
you were, sah-Kurnel Bunker VS.. the
editorial fraternity of the Second SEN
atorial district-Kurnel Bunker vs. the
Cucumber - Kurnel Bunker VS. the
drift period. And the Kurnel still lives,
sah-still lives, and should it meet with
your approval, sab"
It did, of course, and he used both
straws at once this time.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
g8g@11@s@5 GgBBg1gau2aE29
; Billy Plays Golf 4
H a Professor q
i'm 5

is to this game?' 1 asked him. He said
that's all there was to it, told him
could play it with one hand tied behind
me- 1 said that any guy that could
soak a baseball trayelin' mile a sec
ond with a down curve on it wouldn't
have any trouble in hittin' golf ball
that laid still an couldn't get away.
Well, 1 made so many cracks about the
game an was so brash IN general that
L think the prof. got little sore. So
after we'd been all around the holes
and got back he said to me: William,
would you like to try your hand at
this game? told him I didn't usual
ly care for children's games, but I
didn't mind talzin' few shots just to
see how far could send the ball. So
we went over to the place where every
body starts from, and he put the ball
on top of the dingus and gave me a club.
I stepped up to it and gave 1T an awful
pat right in the nose and nearly drove
it out of sight. That knocked the pro-
lessor. He was just gettin' ready to give
me the laugh. Say, that's where 1
ought to have stopped. I'd made good
and ought to have quit. But this shot
had made me stuck on myself, so 1
wanted TO go ahead and show off. What
do you think? Next time I tried to
lam that ball I missed it foot, turned
around two or three times and then
set down SO hard bit my tongue Gee
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
N QUAD'S ]
VEIN OF HUMOR !
HE CARRIED 1T.

He stood under the awning of Bos-
ton dry good store with a closed UNI
brella in his hand and the rain coming
down in a steady pour, and as he
watched the people passing with shell
tiers over their heads he turned to the
man beside him and growled:
well, we are a curious people!"
Yes, sir, very curious" replied the
other, who had no umbrella and had
been almost soaked.
I'VE invent the umbrella. We manu-
facture them by the millions. We pay
out our money and lug them around
and swear over losing them, and vet
sir, and yet"
And yet I left mine at home!" fin
ished the man.
THAT isn't the point" continued the
other. ''Not one person in a thousand
knows how to carry an umbrella. Look
at that man! He is protecting his
back and exposing his knees. See that
woman! Her toes haven't been struck
by a single drop of rain, but her shout
ders are wet as sop. What's the use
of an umbrella if you can't carry it so
as to keep the rain off?''
Eyes, what's the use?' echoed the
other as he shivered with the damp
ness.
Some one ought to set up school to
teach folks how to carry umbrellas.
Look at me, for instance. I walked a
mile before stopping here, but do l look
like a dish-rag hung up to dry? Feel
of me. Is there any dampness on me?''
''No dampness and no flies, sir. You
know your business"
We'll, I know how to carry an UNI
brella. Nine-tenths of these people
might as well carry fish nets around.
Does an umbrella held way off here, or
way off there, protect the owner? 1t
should be carried right here, sir
right here. Don't you see how I am pro-
tected?''
Certainly. Yes, sir, you could walk
a mile and be as dry as a bone. You
have taught me something new"
I'm glad of that. If L had time I'd
teach the whole town. Now let's see
you hold it as I do. That's good, Now
walk up to the corner and back. Don't
lean forward as if you wanted to rub
your nose on the sidewalk, and don't
drag your heels rod behind you.
Walk erect. That's the way. You'll
come back without a drop hitting you"
The man walked out from under the
awning and up the street, going at a
steady pace and perfectly sheltered,
and the other rubbed his hands and
chuckled. Half an hour later he wasn't
rubbing and chuckling. Neither the
man nor the 81 umbrella had re-
turned.
Hello! haven't you got an umbrel-
la?" queried friend who came along.
mo. thought the great majority of
people in this town didn't know how
to carry an umbrella, but l was mis-
taken. The very first man 1 tackled
on the subject went off with mine, and
I've got to get one to get home with"
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
Il
s. -.
: "Kur7ael Bunker !
s He Tells of Several Calls Editors.
: Copyrighted By NJ QUAD
j. i. j.

The Cucumber VS.. Kurnel Bunker he
might have safely reckoned on an early
call from the man who had two horses
shot under him at Louisiana Court
House. I found the gentleman in his
sanctum and opened the case by in
viting him to step down stairs across
the street into the state house grounds.
He followed me, sab, and at a proper
moment 1 turned on him and produced
a cucumber and asked:
''Sah, will you do. Kurnel Bunker
the favor to name this esculent?'
''He replied that it was a cucumber.
land please name this?' 1 said, as
1 produced a pistol
He did so, and drawing a second one
handed him the first and requested
him to wait while 1 stepped off the
usual ten PAGES. / had come to show
him the difference between cucumbers
and dueling pistols, but I was not put
to any great trouble. He came down
handsomely, sah-came down befo' /
had marked six PAGES, and the spirit
with which he entered into the cam
paign made me 200 votes not counted
upon. Egad, sab, but the way that Gu
cumber business dropped out of his
paper raised the price of pickles dol
lar barrel that winter!
'Once mo-, sah-once mo-" huskily
continued the Kurnel, as he gazed long
ingly into the vast emptiness of the
glass at his elbow. ga certain editor
had characterized me as a relic of the
drift period. I could not mistake his
meaning. 1t happened that he was the
last of the fraternity on which I had
to call. When L had introduced myself
| said:
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13

calls. The editor who combined me
with an army mewl and kick on the
leg was the first one visited. When
had introduced myself / inquired on
which leg L had received the kick men
toned. Then L elevated the bottoms of
my trousers and asked him if the scar
he saw on my right leg was caused by
federal bullet or the hoof of con-
federate mewl. l had produced pis-
tolls, sah-pistols for two-when he
picked up his pencil to write a retrac-
ton, and the materials were so fruit
full that he did not finish under col
umn. 1t was a bewtifui tribute, sab,
and it was double-leaded and published
in his next issue, and that editor has
never gone wrong since. What was the
name of that last decoction, if you
please?"
"A mint julep, Kurnel."
actly-eXactly. Very good for
the vocal cords, l believe. Well, sab, a
certain editor had been asking in his
paper every week: Who is Kurnel
Bunker?' The query was repeated
about fo'ty times in each issue, and of
co'se the object was to belittle me. I
decided to call in person and reveal my
identity. 1 found him at home, sab
at home and surrounded by the para
pharnalia usually to be found in a
sanctum-and l saluted him in my
Enthusiastically suave manner and
observed:
You have been inquiring after the
identity of Kurnel Bunker, sah-per-
sistently and laboriously making in
quiries. He now stands befo' you, and
you are at liberty to ask any questions
you see fit
But he had none to ask" said the
Kurnel, as he smiled grimly. ''The
man was embarrassed and COMPOUNDED,
AND could only look at me with open
mouth. 1t was only when I had asked
him to name friend and an early date
that he shook off his lethargy and
begged the privilege of shaking hands
with the hero of South Mountain. Ny
biography, which he published in his
next issue, occupied four columns, and
was one of the most valuable documents
of my campaign. Not bad man, that
editor, but he hadn't sized Kurnel Bun
ker up right, you see. Too much free
dom of the press, and too little of Kur-
mel Bunker. Might have gone with
some men, but wouldn't pass with me.
Have you observed, sah-?"
/ had. 1 signaled to the colored boy
AID he brought on two more, and when
the straws had done their duty as be-
fore, the Kurnel briskly remarked:
II had other calls to make. The edi-
tor of a certain weekly paper had seen
fit to ridicule my affair of honah with
Majah Tripper, and had boldly declared
that we were only armed with cucum-
bers. Some men might have passed it
over, sab. but not so Kurnel Bunker.
When he published an item headed:
'Kurnel Bunker VS.. The Cucumber
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
THE KATIPUNAN.
= Secret Organization of the PhII<
ippines That Is Under Con-
demnRtfOn.

The rich natives who had become
masOns in Spain formed masonic lodges
when they returned to Manila Their
history is preserved by those writers
who find in masonry the key of all in
EQUITIES. There is even an awful tale OF
a female lodge in operation in Manila
Doubtless these lodges were more OF
less given to political intrigue, as in
other countries where masonry is IN
der the ban of authority and religion,
but they had no definite political pro-
gramme. In 1892, rich and intellectual
natives returning from Spain organized
the Liga Filipino, to promote educa-
tional and industrial progress with
view to national regeneration and ul-
innate liberation. This association
did not long survive repressive meas
ures, and its influence was captured by
a rival, the Katipunan, which was con-
Quoted by the ignorant and obscure for
the same avowed purposes as the Liga
Filipino Its crude ritual enforced the
drawing of blood from the arm for use
in signing the rolls. This pledge of
brotherhood is based on notions cur
rent throughout the primitive world.
Magellan and Legaspi had mingled
blood and wine to drink pledges of al
lance with Filipino chiefs and tribes
The japanese drop blood into the seal
of sacred pledges. Between these rites
lay the form of the Katipunan, which
has been denounced as cannibalistic
by every Spanish chronicler. Thou
sands have been imprisoned and hun
dreds shot because their arms bore the
scar of initiation.
The growth of the Katipunan order
was rapid. Tens of thousands were
added during the three years preceding
the outbreak.=Harper's Magazine.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
MISS LIZY's CIRCULATION.
fhe Course of True Love IN Her Case
Certainly Did Not Run
Smooth

Miss Lily" as she was known in the
mountain region of the upper Cumber-
land, was a spruce spinster of 40 or
thereabouts, and ii was generally I'M
derstood that she would be willing to
wed if sufficiently urged. She owned
a good little creek farm, was thrifty,
and for some cause unknown she had
acquired. the title of Miss" that affx
of the Christian name of women not
being usual among the mountaineers-
Her neighbor was one James Hogue, a
widower, who owned a farm adjoining
Miss Lizy's. One day she came into
the company's commissary, and calling
me off TO g remote corner, she fairly
blazed with wrath as she made me her
confidant-
Il s'pose you know, colonel" she ex-
claimed, in hoarse whisper, that fool
Jim Hogue that lives admin to my
place?'
She knew knew Mr.. Hogue, but she
seemed to want my spoken testimony
on the point, and told her knew him.
well, 1 want to tell you about him,
she went on. I've jist got TO tell some
body, colonel, er I'll bust clean wide
open, and L won't tell none Nv these
riffrafft round here, so I come to YOU"
1 thanked. her for this mark OF her
confidence and esteem.
"Wen,'' she said, You know he's been
kinder settin' to me here lately, and
sorter holdin' out hopes. though Lordy
massy knows what a woman could hope
fer, gittin' a critter like him, and yis-
tiddy evenin', when work wuz done
and things wuz mighty still and peace
E,,I KS-FFZ
smellin' Their sweetest, he comes up and
sets on my porch, and nobody round
but us two. Jim sot thar awhile. kinder
hemmin' an a-hawin', and not gittin'
to the pint, and stutterin' out some
thin he had to ak Nv me, bein' a great
favor to him, and so forth and so on,
till got most wore TO FRAGILE, and
riz to the occasion myself, as the
speeehmakers says:
Lookee here, Jim Hogue,' says I.
what air you thrashin' round the
thicket that away fer? You amt no
schoolboy with yer thum' in yer mouth
he's fifty, goin' on fifty-one, eff he's
a day-and eff you want to ak me to
marry you, why don't you do it and
be done with it?' An what do you think
he said to that, colonel? What do you
Inlnk he SSllQ 10 mat d. she Ia1TIN nlSScQ
at me in her wrath.
1 had an idea, but l didn't communi-
cate it. On the contrary, replied:
Il presume, Miss Lily, he thanked
you for coming so promptly and grace
fully to his relief
Did he!" she actually snorted. Did
he? Well, he didn't! Miss Lizy,' SAYS
he, ''twasn't that ezzackly wanted 10
AK you. What l wanted wuz the loan
NV yer gray mule fer tomorrer to pillow
that patch NV corn over on t'other side
NV the crick- Ny boss got foundered
las night an is laid up. Kin git the
mule in the mornin', Miss Lizy?'
That's what he said, colonel" she con-
cluded. AN ez 1 said. I've got to tell
somebody, er III bust wide open.
Would you marry a man like that eff
he ever did AK you, colonel?"
Miss Lily / said with all the gray
ity l could command, and in the YER
nacular. 81 shore would noti''-Wash.
motion Star
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13

man plays that game twice he's ready
to GO home and throw his grandmother
in the fire. If you've got a bad wheel
anywhere in your works, there's game
that1l start it to goin'. Never again
for me! You know. from what I'd
heard of this game and readin' the jokes
in the funny papers I thought it was
something like croquet. 1 thought it
was a good game for cripples and old
women, but n OF worth while for a husky
boy like me. I can play fair game of
baseball, and claim to be purity handy
with my lunch hooks. I've been kind
O sweued on myself for some time, but
got humble jolt, all right, all right,
when [ closed in with this new freak
game.
"How in the world did you ever hap
pen to play golf?" inquired. You're
the last person in the World that I'd
suspect of taking up with any kind of
a society fad"
1.-THE prof. was to blame" replied
Billy. Hes been a member of that new
club since last spring. He read all the
books about the game, and then he
started in and practiced about three
days a week. They say it's just like
the opium habit when it gets hold on
you. You can't stop. Just the same,
don't think it'll get any hold on your
little Willie boy. But I started to tell
you. Day before yesterday drove the
prof. out to the club grounds and was
about to turn around and come back
home when he yelled at me and said
he wanted me to be his 'caddie' /
RI dr. -ha% Ha
it seems that caddie is the kid that
carries the clubs you use when you
swipe the ball. The kids out at the club
had gone on a strike for more coin, and
so l had to follow the prof. and carry
these clubs for him. You see, when a
man starts out to play this game he
needs more tools than burglar takes
with him when he blows safe. Every
one of these clubs has different name,
and if you don't know the names of
these clubs and the other lingo they use
out there at the club you'd think man
was talkin' dago. Anyway, / carried
the bag full of clubs and followed prof
He started out by putting the ball on
top of little pile of sand about the
size of a wart and then he pulled of and
give it a wallop, sendin' it about 800
feet"
1--WE followed the ball, and when we
came up to it. he picked out another
kind of club and gave the ball another
smash, and then we followed it up
again. Then he knocked the ball in the
air and sent it over high ridge, and
purity soon we came to a square place
where the grass was cut short, and in
the middle of this patch was a little hole
with red flag stickin' up out of it.
The prof. knocked the ball over close
to the hole, and then he changed clubs
and coaxed the thing until he put it
down into this place, about thei size
of vest-pocket. He says: I made
that one in SIX and with that he pulled
out card and put down his score.
We'll, holy mackerel, is that all there
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13

CIV a YELL, I've always thought
wv the professor was a soft
" mark, and l was a wise
guy" said Billy, as he stood in front of
the cigar store one evening last week.
Yes, sir, thought he was little daffy
in more ways than one, and that could
skin him at any game, from pitch-and-
toss to manslaughter. But the other
day he made me look like low card in
a cheap deck"
Whenever I meet Billy, who is the
college professors man-of-all-work, 1
invariably ask him in regard to the pro-
fessor, or Prof" as Billy calls him, and
usually am rewarded with a story told
in the most graphic, picturesque and
up-to-date slang. So when Billy re-
marked that the professor had caused
him to look like "a low card" 1 knew
that Billy was ready to give me another
of his marvellous experiences.
''How is that?' asked, getting ready
to smile. 1 can't help but laugh at
Billy's talk. His conversation may not
be refined or elevating, but to me it is
always most amusing.
did you ever hear of this game
called golf?" asked Billy, in response TO
my question. well, say, my tip to
you is to have nothin' to do with it. I've
been against it once, and I think if 1
ever tried it again they'd have TO chain
me up in the crazy-house. After
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
FIJI wedding Dowg.

Whales teeth form the coinage of the
Fiji islands. They are painted white
and red, the red teeth being worth about
20 times as much as the white. The
native carries his wealth around
his neck, the red and white of his coin
age forming a brilliant contrast to his
black skin. A common and curious
sight in the Fiji islands is newly mar
ried wife presenting her husband with
a dowry of whales teeth.-Chicag
Chronicle
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
Hard to Tell.

are real diamonds that Mrs. Karett
wears?
MinnaI hardly know what to think.
They look genuine; but she talks
enough about them fc- rhinestones.-
Boston Transcript.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
How 1t Felt.

How is the razor, sir" asked the
barber.
Didn't know was being shaved"
said the victim.
Every glad, I'm sure, sir" said the
barber, feeling fiattered.
But the victim cut him short.
81 thought was being sandpapered."
Spare Moments.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
Animal Lore.

''Uncurl yourself and fght!" yelled
the catamount. you have no backbone
at ALL"
''Mebbe 1 haven't" came a muff1ed
reply from the rolled-up porcupine,
but I have spines to throw away
Indianapolis Journal.
Barton County democrat. [volume] (Great Bend, Kan.) 1885-1915, 1899-10-13
Inherent.

Acquiring success in life is not like
catching a chicken; the chicken keeps
upa noise which tells the pursueT which
way to turn.-Chicago Daily News
Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1899-08-02

There is seemingly too great discrep-
ancy between the value placed on the
best farm lands situated in Illinois. for
instance, snd the best farm lands sit
uated in Iowa, Minnesota and other
western states. The Illinois farm sells
for $50 to 500 per acre, farms in the
other territory named at from $40 to $50
per acre. Where the Illinois farm is so
situated that it can be used to produce
milk, garden truck or fruit for the city
market, perhaps this difference in value
is justified; but where the products are
poultry, stock and grain, just as in Iowa,
the simple difference of freight charges
in no manner justities such difference
in land values. Either Illinois land is
too high, or Iowa land is too low. Then
there is the further consideration that
the average Iowa farm is not nearly so
exhausted of natural fertility as is the
Illinois farm, not having been cropped
for SO long period. We cannot but DO.
lieve that there is marked rise in
valuation in store for all these $40 al
acre northwestern farms.
Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1899-08-02
Cows and Milk.

We have before noted the fact thai
the tactical function of wild animals is
limited exactly to the purpose of feeding
the young until the newborn ANNA
can provide for itself. At Lincoln park
in Chicago, we saw last week two buf
falo cows, each with two weeks ole
calf by it's side. The udders of these
100 Id cows, fresh as they were, were
no larger than common finger bowl ant
while the milk given was undoubtedly
very rich, the quantity must have beer
very small. This fact is of interest,
proving that the increased milk pro
ducing habit of the modern dairy COW
is wholly an artificial one and SO needs
constant care to prevent a reversior
back to the original and natural condi
tions. 1t explains why irregularity ane
carelessness in milking the COW and in
sufficient or improper food, or failure
to extend as long as possible the lactea
period during her first milking tern
render it easy to spoil good cow.
Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1899-08-02
Doctored Milk and Sick Cows.

Disputes are on Just now betweey
parties interested on two questions OF
more than ordinary interest to the
general public-one the question
of the use Of chemical pre-,
servatives for milk, these preservatives
being compounds containing boracic
acid, salycilic acid, formaldehye, etc
the other over the right of the state 70
test by the tuberculin method the dairy
herds supplying milk to the public.
Fort Dodge is the storm center for the
last named dispute. From our stand
point the sale of the dootored milk
should be absolutely barred by law. II
it is clearly proven that milk from tu-
berculous cows will transmit the dis
ease, some definite and equitable plan of
inspection and indemnification should
be provided for by the state.
Decorah public opinion. (Decorah, Winneshiek County [Iowa]) 1895-1928, 1899-08-02
Hill be Round to See You.


These be the days when well-dresset
chap will drive up by the fence in the
field where you are at work, and wher
you get to the end of the field where he
is, he willgreet you very cordially, giving
you a hand shake like that of long
lost brother and inform you that his
friends have urged HIM to be can
didate for sheriff, for instance, and while
he does not seek the office, he still feels
that he should not be Indifferent wher
his country calls him to fat office, and
so would like to have you see Smith and
Jones and get them out to the caucus
sure, on Tuesday night and see that the
Creek delegation is fixed all right fol
him. He will praise your crops. moralizt
a little on the propriety of the Office
seeking the man, and intimate that il
he is elected sheriff and you would like
to serve as juryman sometime, he'll fix il
SO that you. can, and il you are sucker
you will bite and il you do what you
should, you viii bid him good day" and
then see that your caucus does not SEND
a delegation to nominate such political
parasites to your best Offices.