The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1899-04-18

nervous. And after it had been kept
| up for q short time he went and made
monitor, by which he suddenly put a
stop to the whole quarrel.
! After having briefly disposed OF
Americas history, we viii now take a
look at the administration of the
states. America is governed by king
called Dollar. It's form of government
Is unrestricted monarchy. For unknown
reasons his majesty is never revealed in
the flesh, but on the throne sits q gen.
tleman, called president, and who is
supposed to govern.
The president lives in the White
House, IN Washington. What rent he
| pays do not know, but it certainly is
not trifie. For a show. America also
mas parliament. When every vote
costs 20 cents and quart of whisky,
ana II takes a good many votes to be-
| come elected it is only rich, and con-
Sequently refined. people who sit there.
NOW let us make a change in the
programme and pass over to the nat
ural history of the country. There are
no mountains to speak of in America
Inc most pompous one is supposed to
De the Sierra Nevada which the prac-
tlcaI Americans have placed as far out
IN the edge as possible without dump
ing them in the lake. You, in your
tnoughtlessness naturally think that 1t
would have been better to have pushed
Them in the lake all at once. But what
III hedVens name would then have be-
come of the navigation at San Fran
CISCO? The aforesaid mountains are no
higher than can be easily crossed by a
rallroad train. America is also pos
sessed of half a waterfall. which has
Deen made rather famous. The other
hat belongs in Canada and is outside
the sphere of this lecture. 1t is called
Niagara, and its thunder is heard over
the whole country. You can walk over
II on wire if your name is Blondin.
But never attempt to swim it.
II we now proceed to the products OF
the country we viii first note the pro-
duction of gold. This industry is pre-
1erably pursued in the Klondike. and
would be very profitable if a biffsteak
with onions did not cost so. As it now
IS, 1t pays better to be hotel-keeper and
let others do the digging.
In the second place comes the killing
of pigs, which is done by machinery.
This method the darling pigs are very
much satisfied with. The animals are
led into one end of the machine and
thrown out at the other end. trans
TERED into smoked ham. pork sau-
sage, headcheese. bOotblacking brushes
and thread. The last mentioned article
is made from the tail; nothing is
wasted.
If you have no talents for digging
gold or killing pigs, you can become a
politician. 1t pays very well, and in
America all honest work is considered
honorable. If you understand how to
pull the political wires you can become
consul general Of Havana, even though
you do not know more of the Spanish
language than Norwegian counselor
of state
After having thus turned over to the
arts and literature of the country it
VIII only be proper to get a glimpse at
It's culture. In the arts, architecture is
the most prominent feature. You very
seldom find buildings less than twenty
stories high. This style of architecture
mas many advantages. A whole little
town can dwell in one building, which,
to great extent. facilitates the work
of the letter carrier
Quite often American manners and
customs look queer in the eyes of a
European. The most characteristic is
the use of the revolver. Such an in
strument is absolutely necessary to a
gentleman's equipment. 1t is used with
prediction in settling money transac-
tons, but also in other instances where
verbal persuasion is of no avail. a re-
volver in the hand of a poker player is
often conducive in making you believe
that three deuces are better than a
royal flush
America charmingly easy. And it is
certainly not too sure that the lovely
lady who is your wife at the breakfast
table is your spouse when dinner is
During the interval you may
have been divorced and remarked sew
eral times.
Everything in America goes with the
dizzy, lightning speed of electricity. Es-
pecially is this true in regard to the
railway trains. which run a such high
speed that the telegraph poles look like
a continuous fence And if your hair
IS loose, l would advise you not to put
your head through the window.
1t would have been very appropriate
n this connection to say something
about the 'Star-spangled Banner" and
= ankee Doodle; about the detectives
md patent medicines; about Wander
Dilt and BaTnum. But time is late and
have another engagement-at home.
shall. therefore, ladies' and gentlemen,
hank you for your kind attention.