Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1899-11-05
DooIey on War
And War Makers.
Copyright, 1899 by Robert Howard
Ali \
BY. F. P. DUNE.

4
{ Il tell We, Hinndssy'' said Mr.. Dooley.
''Ye can't do tn English speakin people.
| Ourselves am thu hands acrost tn sea
ar-re rapidly teachin tn benighted Luz
theryan an, other haythin that as a race
were onvincible an oncatchable. TIL
| Anglo-Saxon race meetiri's now goin' on
| in tn Philippians an South Africa ought
| to convince annywan that gives us a fair
start an we can bate tn wurruld to a
/ tiDQygraft office.
TIL war our cousins by Sir Thomas Lip
| ton is prosecutin as Hogan says, again
tn foul but accrate Beers is dom more
/ than that. It's givin US a common war
litherachoor. wudden't believe at first
whin r-read tn dispatches in tn pa-apers
/ that me frind Gin'ral Otis wasn't in South
Africa. 1t was on'y whin see another
chapter DIV his justly ciybrated seeryal
story, Untitled TIL Capture iv Porac,' that
knew he has an imitator in tn mother
I country An be hivins l like tn Eng
] fish lads style almost as we'll as our own
| great artists. Mebbe It's, as tn
| pa-apers say, that Otis has writ himself
out. Annyhow tn las chapter isn't thrill
in. He says To-day tn army undher my
command fell upon thu inimy with gr-reat
slaughter, an seized tn important town
| OF Porac, which l have mintioned befure,
| but he says, we ar-re fortunately now
| safe in MANILA Yc- see he doesn't keep
/ UP the interest to tn end. TIL English
note does betther.''
Las night at eight O'clock he says,
we found our slendher but mthrepid
| ARMY surrounded by wan hundred
| thousan Beers he says. We attacked
/ thin with great fury. he says, 'pursuin'
| thin up tn almost inaccessible mountain
side an capturin' eight guns which we
! didn't want. so we give thin back to Thin
| With ssveral Nv our own" he says. "Th'
| irish regiment" he says, eth Kerry Rifles
| tn Land Leaguers Own, an tn Dublin
Pets, commanded be tn Poplar Irish So
jer Gn'ral Sir Pensonby Tompkins, wint
into battle singin' their well-known nay
tional anthem, Mrs. Innery Awkins is a
| fust-class name The Beers retreated,"
| he says, pursued be tn Davitt Terrors
who cut their way through tn fugdtives
with awful slaughter" he says, 9Th Off
GERS arrivin' in first class carredges an tn
men in thrucks." he says, "an' ARE camp
| ed in tn bettin' shed where they ARE af-
| forded ivry attintion be tn vanquished
| inimy," he says. CAS- FIR u.s." he says, 1--WE
| decided afther TIL victhry to light out FIR
Ladysmith,' he says. .Th' inimy had SINH
! lar intintions,' he says, but their skill has
been vastly overrated' he says. We bate
| thim,' he says, we bate thin be thirty
miles, he says.
That's where we're sthrong, Hinissy
We may get licked on tn battle field we
may be climbin' threes in tn Philippians
with arrows stickin' in us like quilts, as
Hogan says, into tn fretful porcupine or
we may be dom a mile in five minyits fat
| down tn pike that leads to Cape Town
pursued be tn less fleet, but more ignorant
| Beers peltin' us with guns full iv gold an
bibles but in thu pages iv histhry that our
| children read we niver turned back ON e'er
an inimy. We makes our own gloryus
| pages on tn battlefield, in tn camp an In
| tn cabinet meetn'."
well. It is all Fright FIR We to be jok-
I'M, y said Mr.. Henessy, "but there's nanny
a brave fellow down there that it's no
| joke to-
"Thrue FIR ye,' said Mr. Dooley, "an'
| that's why wisht 1t cud be fixed up SOS
tn men that starts tn wars could do tn
hghtfn'. Tn trouble is that all tn pre-
liminarfes Is arranged be matehmakers an
! all they Sc left FIR fighters is to do tn
murdhrin'. A mans got a good job at
| stronger.
How can he do it? By THROWN out some
one that's got an akelly good job down tn
street. Now he don't go over as l wud an
| say, Here Schwartzmeister (or Kruger as
tn case may be) don't like ye'er appear
| ance, We made monkey iv me in argy-
mint befure tn neighborhood an if We
continyue in business yen hurt me trade,
so here goes to move We into tn sthreet
| Ia ND
| him an says he:
Kruger Cor Schwartzmeister, as the
case may beg is no good. To begin with
he's a Dutchman. If that amt enough
he's a cantin', hymn singin' murdhrous
wretch that wuddent leave wan Nv our
| courthrymen ate square meal if he had
| his way. I'll give We all two dollars
| week If yen go over an desthroy him.
An tn other la-ad, what does he do? He
calls in tn neighbors an says he: 'Dooley
Is sindin down gang iv savages to muir
dher ME. Do We lave your wurruk an
! your families an rally ar-round me an
| where we see me plug hat wave re ye go
! in tn other direction he says, an slay
/ tn brutal inimy,' he says. An off goes tn
| sojers an they meet lot iv Ia-ads that
! looks like thinsilves an makes sounds
| that's more or less human am ates out iv
| plates am they swap smokin tobacco an
| sings songs together an tn next day
! they're up early jabbing holes in each
/ other with long cold baynits. An whin
! it's all over they'se me an Chamberlain at
! home victorious an Kruger an Schwartz
meister at home akely VICTORIOUS. An
! they make me prime minister or aldher-
| man, but whin l want a man to put in me
| coal l don't take one with wooden leg.
IN never go down again to see sojers
| go off to tn war. But yen see me al tn
| depot with a brass band whin tn men
| that causes wars starts FIR tn scene iv
| carnage. Whin Congress goes forth to tn
sun-kissed an rain jooled isles in tn Pas
| syfic no more heartier cheer will be heard
| thin tn wan or two that rises firm tn
bosom iv Martin Dooley. Says I, give
| thin IN chanst to make histlry an lave
| tn young man come home an make car
wheels. If Chamberlain likes war so much
! It's him that ought to be down there in
| South Africa peltin' over tn road with OF
| Kruger chasin him with a hoe. Tn man
/ that likes fghtin' ought to be within to
| turn in an spell his fellow counthrymen
himsilf An I'd even go this far an say
| that if Mack wants to subjoo tn dam
Philippeens-''
''Ye're a thraitor,' said Mr.. Hennessy.
Il know it, said Mr.. Dooley compGa-
Gently.
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