davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
ALL QUIET IN

Frankfort, Dec. 4.-(Special Tele-
gram.(-4All is quiet here, although
there is some slight interest in the
forthcoming meeting of the election
board to settle the gubernatorial cleo
| ton.
Col. Hank Bloodyknife dropped in
from the back counties today, with
eleven bowie knives, Il sword cane,
three shot guns, a brace of Colts re-
vOlvers and Il barrel Of Mountaindew.
The colonel says his intentions are
peaceful. and that he will cast these
votes for Col. Taylor. He hopes he
will give the colonel a clear majority.
He says he has nothing personal
against any of the election commits
sioners.
Col. like Peppersauce from Spare
rib dragged Il small brass cannon in
from the Clay Hills today and mounted
it in the office of the election commits
sion where it overs the members. The
colonel has loaded his cannon with
sharks teeth and broken glass and
says he is out LOT Il fair count and H.
Goebel majority. He says there is
absolutely nothing political in his mis-
sion in the city.
Co. Hike Pinkeye breathed into the
face Of one of the election commission
this morning and covered it with
freciles. Col. Hike is still noted for
a breath that will penetrate the stout
est defense. The c~olonel's chariot is
in the republican tent.
Col. Snag COttinvarnish is down from
Deadman'S Siding. The colonel saws
he wants the man who is honestly
elected to win and he doesn't care who
it is, but he says Taylor will never he
lnaugmated as long as there is a ball
III his musket and a smile in his demi-
john. The %cOlOnelS record is one
murder and eleven .justifiable homi-
cldes. He'is an influential gentleman
with a haSty temper. He came dis
armed to show that there was nothing
political in his mission. and has no
weapons hut a corn cutter. Il cavalry
SABRE, a razor, Il navy pistol and seven
hand g%renadeS. He is lined up on
the Goebel side.
Col. Wal Winks has pitched his tent
III ron of the capitol steps and has
mounted Il small gatling gun. The
colonel says he fears there will be
some vacancies in the election commits
sion II GOebel is seated. The colonel
has created vacancies in several pub
lie offices in Kentucky at different
times. Many vacant chairs at Ken
tucky firesides are charged up to Col
Winks. He will be Il strong element
in favor of Taylor.
Governor Bradley does not think
troops will be needed. Col. Wink
called on him this morning and gave
him his positive assurance that there
there would be no bloodshed unless
should be seated.
Col. Coffinvarnish called later and
gave the governor his assurance thai
there would be no bloodshed unelss
Taylor was seated.
The governor feels much relieved
and wired the president today that he
did not believe he would need anything
but Il corps Of surgeons, a few portable
field hospitals. several thousand yard.
Of antiseptic bandages. three hundred
probes and all the collins that coult
be spared.
The distilleries are running nigh
and day.
l will wire the casualties.
r. AKIR.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
A GREAT OFFER.

Bismarck Tribune readers know
what the American Agriculturist is
the best farm paper published. The
Orange Judd Farmer Is the western
edition Of this famous magazine. BY
special arrangement the Bismarck
Weekly Tribune one year, the Orange
Judd Farmer one year and the fam
Year Book, retail price IS cents-all
three for $1.35.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
DEATH AND THE FOOL.

The Fool raised up a castle tall,
With naughty spire and pillared hall,
And circled round a mighty wall.
Bolted and barred, with donjon keep,
With mighty battlements and steep,
All moat-encompassed, wide and deep.
Raised he aloft the drawbridge wide,
Changed he the massive door with pride,
Safe here am I, what e'er betide."
Death grimly viewed his stout defense,
Smiled on the frowning battlements,
And sought his servant, Pestilence.
Set him upon the wind to ride.
go, seek this naughty Fool" he cried.
ITO strike him, all his bars inside"
Grim frowns the castled pile, and bold,
Grim frown the hoary stones, and old.
Within the Fool lies, still and cold.
WHEN A FELLER'S STUDIED HIS
TOE.
Did We aver pass a YOuugster. et'd been
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
THE SAME OLD UNCLE SAM.

"Hop tn Philippines, Mac" l blieve
I heard you say.
Why course we're goin' to hol' 'em,
Mac, tn amt no other way,
An you'll find we're all behind you,
Mac, bout sixty million strong,
Fer you gave 'em n good message, an
you didn't write it wrong.
You toll 'em what's TIL program and
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
an stubbed his toe,
M WAS erwin by the roadside. SOrter

an stubbed his toe,
An was cryin' by the roadside, sorter
quiet like an slow,
"A holdin' of his dusty foot, all hard
an brown an bare,
An tryin' to keep from his eyes tn
tears that's %gatherin' there?
Ye hear him sorter sobbin' like an
snufflin' of his nose,
An We stop an pat his head an sOrter
try to ease his woes,
Ye treat him sorter kind like, an TIL
fust thing that We know
He's up an off an smilin-clean forgot
he stuDbed his toe.
Long tn road of human life, We see a
Teller trav'lin' slow.
An'likc as not you'll find he's some
poor cuss that's stubbed his toe.
He was maxim swimmin' Roadway,
but he bumped into a stone
An his frien's KEEP hurryin' onward
an they lef' him here alone.
He amt sobbin' or aint snifflin'-he's
too old fer tears an cries,
But he's grievin' jes' as earnest, if 1t
only comes in signs,
An it does Il heap O good sometimes
to go Il little slow
An say a word of comfort to tn man
that's stubued his toe.
Yer never sure ye'rself, an tn aint no
earthly way to know
Jes' when it's goin' to come yer turn
to trip an stub yer toe,
Today, yer smilin,' happy, in the
bright suns light an glow
An tomorrow yer a shiverin' an yer
strugglin' through tn snow.
Jcs' TIL time We think we've got tn
world til fastest in yer grip
Is tn very time, yell find, ct Yer tn
lilleliest to slip,
An it's mighty cOmfOrtin' to have
some Teller stop. l know,
An comfort We and try to help We when
we've Stubbed Yer toe.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08

A ranchman named Wickham living
on Grand River, south of Dickinson, is
reported as having suicided by blowing
the top of his head of.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
EsTRAY NOTICE.

Estrayed from Melville, N. D., on
July %, 1899, n black horse. weigh,
about 1,4CO pounds. Branded ~ on left
shoulder and also same on left thigh.
A suitable reward will be paid for in
formation leading to his recover.
GUST OLSON.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
SOME PRAIRIE BREEZES.
AN EXPLANATION,

AN
When Il mother spanks her erring boy,
she doesn't do it cause
She holds an earthly grudge against
the lad,
But she does it just to teach him an
obedience to the laws
She formulates to keep him from the
bad.
When the slipper or the single
whistles. whizzes through the air,
When the Jingle, tingle, Jingle strikes
his bosom with despair.
(And the bosom that is stricken ism t
always found just where
You'd expect, his mother says she's
just as sad,
To spank him as the c%astigated lad.
But she does it just to keep him from
the bad.
When the ~castigation's over, how she
SOothc> his wailing cries
And tells him how she loved him all
the While.
She Smooths his rumpled garments
II she dries his streaming eyes,
And coaXe him with sugar plums to
smile.
ooh. Willie, DEAR" she tells him while
the tears from her eyes start,
While Willie's pride is swelling and
Willic'S feelings smart,
"Oh. Willie. You will surely break your
loving mothers heart"
And thus she seeks his anguish to
beguile,
And this the song she sings him all the
while.
And %now-when YOU recall the time
YOU smile.
When a nation 1logs Il nation. it is
never done because,
The logger hates the llOggee-SO they
say
1t is only done to teach it IN obedience
to the laws
And to civiliZe Il little by the way.
When the air is filled with cleaning
steel and Shrieks with screaming
shot.
When the battle RACES furious and the
stubborn conflicts hot,
Don't think it's done in &nger-for be-
licve me it is not
There's not Il bid of hatred in the fray.
It's only done in kindness-sO they
say
And to @civilize a little by. the way.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08

The Pembina Pioneer Express calls
upon farmers to harvest the banana and
orange crops before the frost.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
A Cyelopedia Of Progress and Events

All sending their subscriptions under our
clubbing offer, are presented, postpaid, with
the .A~GhICULTURIsT YEAR BOOK
and ALMANAC for 1900. This great book is q
World, a Guide to Markets, Marketing, and
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
AN APPEAL.

The play is done and the curtain
Falls from the wings beside,
The songs were Il little uncertain
And the singers on the slide
1 think the singers before me
Rudely and rOundly Kissed
And a feeling Of madness comes
DER me
That my soul cannot resist.
\ feeling of madness and longing
10 get IN axe and brain
The next one whose face cracks open
And let's go Il rag time strain.
Oh, sing me some other music,
Any old thing will do,
WHISPERED or ancient or WOODY
II it has no "Sal or LOU"
In some of the larger cities
They've clean run out OF cOOns +
10 make into senselesS dittieS
And grind into ragtime tunes.
So sing me some other music
And whether wrong or right,
Any old medley will answer
Anything-sO it's white.
DON 4NL1 Liz SA1iADON We AAA1'
What's the good o worryin'-o' wrink-
lin up your brow
An botllerin' bout things that's goin'
to happen anyhow.
We allus like to see him come-the fell
Ter with tn smile,
An we move on when the Teller comes
that's scowlin' all tn while.
1t aint no use to take tn world as tho
it was a dose
O. quinine or O. castor oil, or else al
mighty close,
An We might as we'll look pleasant
when We take it. for l low
Et whether sweet. or bitter, y'have to
take it anyhow.
1t aint no use to worry, for it never
saved a sigh,
a baby's cry.
1t stilled Il sob OF KEEP a storm
from prowlin' round,
Err a grounding from a. SEEM Of his
shadder on the ground.
1t new saved a dollar an it never
earned n dime,
Bout the only thing it does is bring tn
crows feet head O. time,
Inc man that alluS worries only hauls
Il double load
An plays out fore he's half way
reached TIL endin' of the road.
What's the use Of worryin'-th' amt NJ
flowers ut all
Where tn sunlight's never shinin' an
tn shadders allus fall.
III man that allus worries is a Twin
in tn shade,
He sees the sunshine and III
thinks tn aint hone made.
He's jes' nachelly devotin' all tn hour!
he can spare
10 buildin' up hobgoblins for to Civ
hisself a scare.
The's tn smallest share o. shadde
when the monday sun is high,
An tn feller's life is gladdest VIII
don't let the shadders lie.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08

How Are Your KldneysB
Dr.. Hobbs sparagus Pills cure all kidney ills. Sam.
pie free. Add. Sterling Remedy Co.. Chicago or N. 7
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
n. z. WOOD, 4. NJ, NJ. D., President
Chicago Medical and Surqical Institut4

NJ Z. WOOD, 4. ~, N. D., President
Chicago Medical and Surgical Institute
Oh lasalle Avenue, Chicago, ~.
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Regularly chartered under act Of Illinois
Legislature. Capital fully paid) 100000.
The Oldest, largest, most reliable and sue.
cessful Medical Institute in the u. g.
Private rooms for Patients with facilities
for any emergency. x-Ray, M-icroscopical
and U~r1scOpical Examinations are made II
all cases whenever diagnosis 10 doubtful.
Write for free Book on Deformities and
Braces, Club Feet, Curvature Of the Spine,
Bronchitis, Catarrh, Cancer, Tumors, Piles,
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Ear, Skin and Blood Diseases, and all Sur
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We absolutely guarantee to cure every
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No d. O" deposit - schemes. Failure
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160-psge Book on III Chronic and Surgical
Ueseases and List Of $50 questions sent reo
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
A THANKSGIVING NIGHTS
DREAM

a THANKSGIVING NIGHTS
DREAM.
See the skeleton of bones!
Turkey bones!
Hear the sad. sepulchral tones
And the means
or this spectre that appals me in the
fcarsome hour of night
With plum pudding in its left hand and
Il mincr pie III its right.
All the grOanS!
And the means
or anguish that escape me in the wild
and weird alright.
That makes me pale and white.
Makes my hair to stand upright.
When lie ut sleep from dinner on this
glad Thanksgiving night!
Hear 1t Gibber. grin and giggle.
See it wobhle, wag and wi@gle!
See it dance!
See .i prance!
Hear its bones.
AS they rattle, as they prattle
On the stones!
See the fierce and foamins iowl!
See it sc0wl! Hear it howl!
AS it crecpS and leaps upon me and is
tlesiing its fierce fangs
III my throat.
e it gloat!
AS it strokes me and it chokos me like
a deviliSh garrOte!
All my dreams are full of terror!
All. the error! All. the error
OF stutting my poor stomach with
mince pie!
All. TO die
Were bliss, could l escape this horrid
nightmare as I lie
Ills Il skeleton tnat haunts me with
its ecrie. evil eye.
A fierce and tleshleSs turkey. that
swings and circles by,
And it @roans!
And it means!
Calm" for the meat that's lying like
a load of leaden stones.
On my stomach, and my tones
or terror wake the neighborS! All,
the bones!
The homes. bones, bones, bones,
Bones, bones. bones!
The error and the terror of the bones!
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08

Copies of the Bismarck Tribune prior
to August 8, 1898 wanted-especially
issues back of 1885. Mail them to Tri-
bune, Bismarck.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
North Dakota Blue Book,
PUBLISHED ON THURSDAY.

No merchant, professional man, or
politician can afford to be without it.
The most useful statistical North Da-
kota Blue Book issued. See advertise
ment and price (75c) in another column.
Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1899-12-08
WHEN A FELLER'S STUDIED HIS
TOE.

Did ye ever pass a youngster, et'd been
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1899-03-07
MIX and Mathematics.

When Thomas drove up to deliver
the usual quart of white mixture, the
gentleman of the house kindly inquired,
Thomas, how many quarts of milk dc
you deliver daily to your customers?"
"Ninety-one, sir.
And how many COWS have your"
mine, sir"
The gentleman made some remarks
about an early winter and the state of
the roads, and then asked, "Thomas,
how much milk per day do your cows
averageP"
"Seven quarts, SIR"
"Ah, UNI r. said the gentleman, as
he moved off.
Thomas looked after him, scratched
his head, and all at once grew pale as
he pulled out a short pencil and began
to figure on the wagon cover: "Nine
lows is nine, and l set down seven
quarts under the cows and multiply.
That's So quarts of milk. 1 told him
sold 81 quarts per day. Sixty-three
from 81 leaves % and none to carry.
Now, where do l get the rest of the
milk? I'll be hanged if l haven't given
myself away to n of my best custom
ers by leaving a big cavity in these fig
ures to be filled with water l"-London
Sketch.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1899-03-07

For ten solid years." said a New
Orleans broker, 81 lived in perpetual
apprehension Of sudden death. A doc.
tor in Texas told me-confound his pic
ture-that l had valvular heart disease,
and if l wanted to stay on earth I must
avoid every species of excitement. /
did my best to follow his advice, but
hat miserable specter was at my elbow
lay and night and embittered my whole
existence. I don't believe l am a cow
ard, but the thought preyed on me I'M
til / began to fear for my sanity.
sat last, after all these years Of in
finite pr~eoaution, / went to a first class
specialist to find out how much longer
I'd last and was assured that l hadn't
n single symptom of the malady. Talk
about removing a mountain from a
mani That assurance knocked off an en-
tire range. 1t changed the color of the
universe in a twinkling, and I was SO
happy | wanted to just throw up my
hat and yell.
"That wa a couple of years ago, and
| have enjoyed myself tiptop ever since
up to one day last week, when l hap
pened to be chatting with the specialist
and remarked that I'd like to murder
that sawbones in Texas. I don't blame
you, he said. That man had no right
to tell you hat you had heart disease.
If l had found you right at death s door,
| certainly would never have let you
know it.. Now, by Jove, l don't know
who or what to believe and am drifting
back to the old state of uncertainty. l
wish l lived in a cannibal island and
had never heard of doctors. New Or
leans Times Democrat.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1899-03-07

Many are the trials encountered by
the unfortunate man who, in time of
domestic turmoil, is forced to visit an
intelligence office.
"My dear" said Mr.. Roberts, his
youthful face flushed with. heat and
symptoms of irritation in his voice, 81
really should prefer to do the cooking
myself rather than go to that intelli-
genoe Office again.
"Have | secured a cook?'' he went
on. "No. l have not, Mrs. Roberts. l
escaped from one dreadful creature,
who even asked me whether our house
was owned free or m%ortgaged. And as
| turned from her | saw a respectable
looking woman who b.. just entered
the DOL She looked comparatively
pleasant So l stepped up to her and
asked meekly:
"'Oan you fill the position of cook
in a family of four?
"She looked at me as if she'd like to
wither me with one blighting glance
and said haughtily: 4 am trying to fill
that of coaohman in a family of two. |
think you would do if you have proper
recommendations. YOUTHS Com
panion.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1899-03-07

Mr.. Gladstone had a nice taste in hot
mutton pies. One of the Wesleyan jour
nails recalls a conversation which R. W.
Perks had with Mr.. Gladstone at a pub
lie dinner in London, when the ex-
premier asked all sorts Of questions on
matters pertaining to Methodism. A
man who happened to sit exactly OPP
posite, wishing to divert the converse
ton into another channel, asked, "Do
you know Chester, Mr.. Gladstonef"
Eyes, a little, was the answer, an
ominous smile playing about the
mouth. "Do you know Chester, Mr..
-2"
mot very WELL" said the unwary
questioner.
"Well. if you go to the city of Ches-
ter you will find a confectioner's shop
in such a street, giving the number.
go into that shop, and you can buy a
hot mutton pie, d~eliciously hot, and
here Mr.. Gladstone screwed up his eyes,
and his face beamed with delight as he
recalled the taste and smell of those
savory pies, land all for threepence. f"
Then. turning to Mr.. Perks, In deep,
earnest tones he said, "Let us resume
where we left off"
There was no further interruption
from the opposite side of the table
st. James Gazette.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1899-03-07

Washington was buried in what is
now known as the old vault, which is
perhaps 900 feet away from his present
resting place. Before his death he had
requested that a new family vault be
constructed after his decease, and the
reason given for this is that the earth
upon the side of the hill where the old
vault vas placed was likely to slip away
In the springtime.
No attention was apparently paid to
this request, however, until about
1880, when an employee who had been
discharged from the estate broke into
the old tomb as an act of revenge and
stole a skull which he supposed to be
that of George Washington. This he
took to Alexandria, and, as usual in
such cases. "got drunk" and so his
secret was discovered, and the skull,
which proved to be that of Laurence
Washington instead, was returned.
This incident led to the final carrying
out of the wish of General Washington.
The tomb which is his present resting
place was promptly built, and in 1881
his remains were removed to it. The old
vault was allowed to fall into a state of
decay, and only a few years ago it was
restored by the aid of drawings found
in the congressional library. An iron
fence has been built around it, and 1t
nov receives the same care as the new
tomb.-Exchange.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1899-03-07
italy In London.

Many Londoners have visited the
Italian district, which lies in the neigh
borhood of T~heobald's road and Hatton
Garden, and some with inquiring minds
have strolled up Leather lane and
watched the Italian ice cream vendors
and fortune telling women with pretty
love birds, intermingled with the dirty,
noisy, street hawkers, common to all
London slums. 1t is amazing to learn
how these Italians crowd together in
the poky little houses of the courts and
alleys. Generally a house is hired by an
old padrone, who subjects to as many Of
his countrymen as he can respectfully
squeeze in. The cellars are utilized as
sleeping apartments, and in the morn
ing as many as 20, ven 80, men will
emerge from the bowels of the earth,
blinking and winking in the daylight
after a night spent in the cellars under
one small dwelling house. A whole
family, consisting of a husband and
wife and eight OF nine fanciulli of vari-
GUS ages, often sleep in n small gar
ret or cellar. -Ludgate Magazine.
The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1899-03-07
The Money COST OF war.

A calculation as careful as is possible
places the total cost of war during the
last 5000 years at the appalling sum of
e120, 900, 900, 900. If it were possible to
pay this enormous bill in gold, we
should require 942, 857 tons of soyer-
eigns and an army of over 600, 900
horses to draw it.
If it had been possible for all the
mints now existing throughout the
world to begin coming soyereigns at
their present rate in the year of Christ
birth, they would still have to continue
for $40 years more before their task
would be completed.
If these sovereigns could be reared
into one sky piercing column as a me
mortal to those whose blood they bought,
the column would stand on a base of
100 square feet and would rise into the
clouds nearly 4, 900 feet higher than
the summit of Mont Blanc. They would
equally pave with sovereigns a road IS
feet wide, stretching from Charing
Gross to owe 100 miles beyond Con-
s~tantinople.
And this is the appalling price which
men have paid in gold and blood for
the privilege of killing each other
London Standard.