The times., 1899-07-24
SIR wILFRID's THREAT.
Canadians Should Remember Amer
lean Array Beef VIII XIII.

Canadians Should Remember Amer
lean Army Reef VIII Kill.
The Beaver is belligerent and Canada
is listening to war talk. A despatch from
Ottawa states that Sir Wilfrid Laurier.
Premier OF all Ontario, Quebec, New
Brunswick. Nova Scotia, Newfoundland.
Winnipeg. Kicking Horse, and Rat Port
age, would yet be monarch of all Kiondike,
aud in speech made before Parliament on
Saturday he spoke OF two alternatives.
arbitration or war, in the Alaskan
boundary question dispute.
Canada's belligerent talk can only be
accounted for through the fact that
Sir Wilfrid has not yet learned of the
passing of Alger. When 1t is learned that
the eagle is no longer stuffed with bad beef
and is able to sit up and croak inyectives
at certain of his keepers. mayhap the
chesty "Cantcks" will endeayor to erect a
Chinese wall along the boundary line that
the dreaded Americans may not lombard
them with surplus army rations. At all
events the wrathy premier ought to realize
that Uncle Sam would welcome any op-
portunity to dump the barnacles and dead
wood accumulated during the late war with
Spain.
Two choices are offered the Americans.
Two chances to cry enough and retreat. The
Alaskan Boundary question must be set
tied at once. say the Canadians, and the
only alternatives for poor beef-ridden
America are arbitration or war. II has
been whispered in Ottawa that the Eagle
can no longer scream as his lungs have
been destroyed by boric acid, and as the
busy Beaver has his teeth in good working
order he refuses to be friendly TO his for
mer playmate.
If the worst comes to the worst and war
should again turn Chicago into a funeral
directors preserving department, let Can
ada beware. Imagine the CONSERVATION OF
the natives when they espIed Skaters hay
cruisers tearing madly through the great
lakes, followed by hungry horde of sea
horses. Imagine the destruction which
could be effected by the Christian Sciencs
warrior, Sampson, who could remain in
Washington and destroy every feet that
dared come up the St. Lawrence River.
They, again, General Otis might de-
clare martial law in the Thousand Island.
and drive the moneyed Americans away
from the hotels with great loss to the Can
adiang.
If the Canadians could only make raid
upon Cleveland. Ohio. and capture Mark
Hanna. no man would regret this Cre
loss. and it is likely that Sir Wilfrid might
receive a handsome reward from the Re-
publican party for the return OF the great
LABOR agltdtOr. y rElQ might also De In2Qe
into Michigan and every American would
praise the enemy if it managed to lddnap
a certain R. A. Alger. Governor Pingree
might also be taken to good advantage,
as he could raise potatoes in the gre9
wastes OF the northwest territory.
Also. were the war carried into Alaska,
the terrors of gold bullets would be the
least of the troubles, save that no man
would care to carry wealth away under his
skin when he might handily place il in
his pocket, and little firing could be ex-
pected from either side. 1t might prove
safe warfare during the winter season, as
the bullets are apt TO freeze into the at
mosphere and remain suspended until
thaw came II the belligerent Sir Wilfrid
must have war he Will not be very likely
to purchase his army beef in Illinois, but
he could borrow a handsome assortment OF
auto warriors who have seen service in
Washington.
The Canadian Premier may reconsider
his terrible statement and allow America
another chance to breathe easily, but II
war must come. Canada would make a
nice little wilderness in which the att
expaasionists could set up a common
wealth and hold Indignation meetings
every ten minutes. Besides. the French
Canadians would not know what to da with
America If they did capture il. and they
would soon tire OF the new p,aything- All
OF which goes to show that the Canadians
had better quit bullying the latter as they
may get angry and fight