The Jersey City news. (Jersey City [N.J.]) 1889-1906, 1899-06-10
var which no amount Of expense could

quell,
Dolores had the parrot instructed in
English for the express benefit ~ Mr..
Birnan, and from morning until night
the ~tireless bird poured forth a fluent
stream Of English b~illingsgate, in which
he despatched the hapless Briton with
abuse. Dolores herself suffered from it,
Bbutrsle hopfM Dot BgAAl Balisbhap@i
tvWould be wearied out and cave the
| place. A total rout was the only thing
that would content her. Her feminine
vengeance required the abandonment Of
the battlefield by the enemy.
On Mr.. Birnan's side the war vas not
less actively carried on. At first he
started a drum school in his rooms, and
for some days an entire drum corps, I'M
der the direction of a drum major, kept
up a ceaseless racket from daylight until
dark. AT last the authorities interfered,
and Mr.. Birnan was obliged to give up
his drummers.
Next he established a shooting gallery,
and the blue footman, the green foot
man, the black footman and the other
domcstics took turns firing at a target.
When they had become SO expert as to
be able to pierce the ace of hearts at 20
PAGES, the police interfered. They in
formed the Englishman that the munic-
ipal regulations forbade the use of fire.
arms in private houses, so the shooting
gallery was abandoned.
Some days passed undisturbed but for
the screeches, groans and curses of Coco.
But finally Dolores discovered that it
was raining in her apartments. Her
frescoed ceilings and costly hangings
were ruined. She complained to the land
lord. On investigation he discovered that
Mr.. Birnan had converted his salon into a
large salt water bath. The walls and
floor were covered with zinc, slightly
leaky, the doors were closed, all but the
main one, the upper half of which was
used for an entrance; a quantity of salt
had been mixed with the water, and
there daily Mr.. Birnan was won't to dis
port himself in the briny waves. Even
fish had not been forgotten. 1t was a
gigantic marine aquarium.
The landlord was furious and threat
ened to bring suit against the English
man for damages.
what" demanded Mr.. Birnan, sis it
possible a man cam have a bathroom in
this cursed country"
mo, SIR" replied the indignant land
lord. mot that kind-it's against the
law"
"Oh, well, if it is against the law" re-
piled the Englishman, 81 must stop it,
you know. Blawst the law"
So that day the ocean was drained. 1t
was high time-there was half an inch of
water in Dolores bedroom, and an oyster
bed was forming on the floor.
But Mr.. Birnan did not abandon the
war. He was only resting on his arms.
1t had gone too far now for him to re-
cede with honor. The news had spread
throughout Paris, and much interest was
excited. In the theatrical profession bet
ting ran high, with the odds on the Eng
lishman, owing to the well known obstin-
acy of the nation.
1t was at this point in the warfare that
Mr.. Birnan bethought him of the piano.
1t was an inspiration! The most dis
agreeable of instruments pitted against
the most horrible of birds. He flew to a
wareroom and bought a piano. He has
tened to a music store and engaged a
pianist. That pianist, as we already
know, was our .riend Schaunard.
y .
When Mr.. l}irnan had poured his
dreadful tale inso the friendly bosom OF
S%chaunard, the latter said:
"Why do you not give the creature
parsley, Milford? Chemists nave declared
that it is fatal to parrots"
Il lave tried it," said Mr.. Birnan, with
a sigh, "but she watches me too closely.
The piano is the only sou 1t is
safer, and it is sure"
"The piano?' said S~chaunard.
Eyes. The comedienne and her parrot
don't get up till noon. The law permits
a man to make as much noise as he likes,
provided it be IN an instrument. Do you
follow me?"
But" said S%chaunard, with pardon
able pride, 81 do not quite see where the
punishment comes in. 1t certainly can
not be so disagreeable for Mile. Dolores
to listen to me, to Schaunard, composer
Of the famous symphony On the Infu-
ence of Blue In the Arts Why, / as
sure you, MILFORD, that if I only had one
lung gone and a steel p"-
"Oh," interrupted Mr.. Birnan, 81 don't
want you to produce anything like mu-
sic. All l want is an Internal racket.
What you must do" he continued, drop
ping his voice to a hoarse whisper, is
to play the scale-do, re, mi, fa"-
"Sol, la, 81, do" continued Schaunard
mechanically.
"Play the scale! Play it over again!
Play it all day! Play it till she cries
quarter. If she holds out too long, a
dreadful fate awaits her-madness!!"
Schaunard shuddered. The yindic-
tiyeness Of the man made his blood cur
die.
II once lived near q boarding school,"
Birnan went on, with a horrible, mirth-
less laugh, "and | Know what it is like.
Dolores doom is sealed"
So the dreadful battle began. Schau-
nard suffered at times, but he was used
to the piano. Like the arsenic eater,
the piano player becomes callous.
For the first week Dolores stolidly
bore the infiction. She even melted her
evil bird to fresh exertions. But the
spirits of both were yisibly affected.
The second week came. The sight of
Dolores haggard face and wild eyes
almost touched Schaunard. But he was
a piano player, and he steeled himself
against pity.
Third week. The voice of the parrot
was no longer heard in the land. A set
tied melancholy lad possessed that once
loquacious bird. Dolores lay and moan
ed in agony. Her friends even had de-
serted her.
Fourth week. General hegira of the
dodgers. Landlord giving symptoms Of
insanity. Parrot refuses food.
Fifth week. The war comes to an end.