The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1899-03-18

Wanted a Wife
OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES

Ii fell upon a day lhat the worthy
governors Of the grammar school at
Pendlebury were called upon to fulfil
the onerous duty of selecting and elect
ing new head master BY the out
lay of few paltry hundreds year
they expected to retain the services
of as much intellect. culture. knowl"
edge and experience as could he packed
into some six feet of human flesh; and
they further demanded that this six
feet of paCking-Cuse should be endowed
with the manners Of marquis and the
cricketing prowess of a professional
TO the inhabitants of another planet
1t might appear that the governors of
pcndlebury school eXpe cted a good deal
for their money; but anybody who
knows anything about this best OF all
possible worlds" win readily perceive
that u sum whereat a prize-tghter or
et-dancer would be justified i'm
turning up their respective noses is
Eenerous--nay. eXtraVagant-compen
sation for the services of Il mere
wrangler or double-first. So wisdom
was justified Of those of her children
who had place lnon the governing
body of Pcndebury school.
And the expectations Of the COVER
nors were fulfilled. Numherless schol-
ars and gentlemen applied for the de-
Srable post: and the lot finally fell
upon John Mortimer. esl., Nj. a., whose
testimonials read like a Liebig's En-
tract of the Lives OF the Saints"
favored with the essence of BacOn's s
advancement Of Learning There
seemed nothing that John Mortimer
could not do--still less that John Morti-
mer did NOT know; in addition to which
unparalleled virtue and knowledge he
possessed n handsome appearance and
a charming panner, and stood six feet
one i'm his stockings
But even this rise among schoOlmas-
ters was not without the inevitable
thorn; and in this case the inevitable
thorn took the form of bachelorhood
on the part of John Mortimer, esq.
NJ A. Now, the governors of Pendle-
bury school We're Il kind fatherly sci
of old men, who held that it was in
dispensable that there should be some
one at the school who could be Gas
they said) a mother to the boys, ant
for all his strength and learning there
was nothing in the slightest degree
motherly about Jack Mortimer The
most vivid imagination could hardly
succeed in regarding as a mother 6
big. black-bearded young man of two
and-thirty, who was first-class classic
and a flrst-rate Crfck eter: and school
boys are not as Il rule remarkable fol
the NiVidness Of their imaginations
but on this account it was all the more
necessary that Jack Mortimer shoulC
take upon himself a. wife, who coulC
be to his scholars a sign and a symbo
of the loving Kindness reserved TO
them by their respective three hundred
mothers at home The governors there
fore officially informed John Mortimer
esq, NJ ~, that they had great pleas
ure in appointing him headmaster o
PcndlCbury school on one condition.
viz, that he could undertake to become
a married man within twelve month
of his election.
JACK Mortimer was Il man who didn'
trouble his head about women at all
He regarded a wife very much as h
regarded a sidebOaTd-vfz., as a usefu
piece Of furniture which no middle
AGED householder should be without
hut which would prove ridlculousl
troublesome and Cumbrous trinket fo
young man to drag all over the coun
try with him. He was naturally "A
first somewhat staggered by the con
dition of his election; but he reflecte
that after all. in this overcrowde
country of ours, appointments are in
creasinglv hard TO find and wives in
creasingly easy; so, after due deliber
alton, he accepted the headmastershiI
with a Micawberish hope that some
probation was over. The governor
We're kind enough to say that, failin
wife, they would graciously accept
sister in her stead; but Jack had neve
had sister in his life, and realize
the fact that-thOugh u man is neVe
too old TO take a wife-having a siste
like playing on the violin. is a thin
which one must begin in early yout
or not at all.
At first he was very happy in his ne
position. He had a charming house, I
liked his work. he was full of ambitio
as To the reforms he would effect in II
school committed to his charge: an
for time he quite forgot the wife di
ficulty. But the governors and the
better halves did not forget it: the
regarded the vacant post as the pr,
rogative of one of their own unmarrit
progeny and they straightway con
menced a lively competition as to whiC
Of their domestic goddesses should r
ceiVe the apple which this tutori
Paris was about to award. This pla
Of campaign consisted Of a round
dinner parties, Whereat Jack in tul
took In 70 dinner the various cand
dates for his censorship. Sometim
this arrangement amused the hei
master; but at others he longed to fs
at his hostess feet, and implore h
that for once he might take an inel
ible female in to dinner, and imbi
his nourishment III peace But tn
would not have been business: and Il
wives and mothers of Pendlebury we
nothing If not women OF business.
Mortimer's first dinner party-r
debut, so TO speak was under the no
pitable roof of Mr.. and Mrs. Grove