davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1899-01-19
WIT AND HUM0R.
Up'to-Date Jokes and Witticlsms From the
Comic Papers

Up'to.Date Jokes and Witticlsms From the
Comic Papers
HIS IDLE DREAM.
He went into q store to buy book;
The pretty maiden at the counter
there
Half smiled, as she bestowed on him
look
That thrilled him from his toes unto
his hair.
He handled fifty books, for which he
No more than if they'd been the
merest dirt;
He fingered just because the maiden
stared;
He felt that he'd become an awful
firt.
A glass hung on the wall behind him
and
Therein at last he saw his mirrored
face;
Some SCOT upon his nose had CHANGED
to land
In seven seconds he had quit the
place.
OFFERS TO PROVE IT.
Her Father-And if I consent to
your marriage with my daughter,
what do you propose to do for liv-
ing
Mr.. Spooner-Tll demonstrate that
two can live as cheaply as one. We
won't ask for a cent more than you
allow her now.
THE USUAL RESULT.
cts all foolishness to talk about
any one getting the worst of it in the
matrimonial game" declared the big
man with a silk hat and loud suit of
clothes.
"How's that ?"
Marriage is always tie
THE OLD STYLE.
Polite Old dGentleman-"I perceive,
madam, that need not inquire about
your health. "
Nice Old Lady-'Thank you, sir.
l confess that feel ten years younger
than l am."
Polite Old "Possibly,
madam, but you cannot feel day
younger than you look.
OUTLINED HIS GENIUS.
Moralist-Think of the feeting ma
ture of your popularity. You are no.
torioas ,.dsts fstF Toa, ah9nt aad dtiyyoa yyoa aemfo@a
ever done that will live, my friendp
Pugilist Well, pard, I puta broken
nose on literary gent once that has
outlived anything he ever wrote.
ITS SIGNIFICANCE TO HIM.
"Papa, it speaks here of burst Of
confidence. What does it mean %
"Failure of trusted bank, growl-
ed the old gentleman, who had just
been hit by that sort of calamity.
MAKING SURE.
'Is Miss Binks in ?"
''Be yer Mr.. Brown or Mr.. Jones ?
If yer Mr.. Brown, she's out; if yer
Mr.. Jones, she's home
'Im neither Brown nor Jones"
"Well, then, yell have to wait till
I 90 and ask her whether she is home. !"
NOT so TYRANNICAL.
ct hate to believe that he dis
charged his bookkeeper for playing
golf. How tyrannical !"
"Naw, not for playing golf, for
talking it. D."
INVOLVEMENT CLEvERNEss.
eve would have had pleasant
evening if it had not been for one OF
the most insufferable little youngsters
who was ever allowed to sit up late. !"
'.Why, what was the matter with
him ?'
"Oh, he is one of those children
that say the smart things that tickle
us so much when we read about them
in the newspapers and that drive us
distracted when we have to listen to
Them"
WANTED THEM FOR KEEPS.
Tommy, aged five, had been sent
to a nearby store to purchase pair
of shoe strings for his mother.
"How long do you want them ?"
asked the clerk.
'I don't want to borrow en-" re-
piled Tommy; II want to buy 'em for
keeps"
WITHIN THE LIMITS.
Architect looking at new founda-
tion)-''How is this Your founda-
ton is only half the size my plans
call for"
Experienced Builder-"The owner
told me to keep the cost within your
estimate.
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1899-01-19
SECRET SOCIETIES,

MASONIC.
Sherand Byrd Lodge, No. 1853, F, & A. M
Rev. w. W. Mitchell, w. M.
H. H. Bilbo, Secretary.
Meets every second Saturday at Q O'Clock
D. m.
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1899-01-19

WOODMEN OF THE WORLD.
Juniper Lodge No. 267.
r. f. Wilkinson, C. c.
T. P. Lawless, Clerk.
Meets every second and fourth Monday
nights
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1899-01-19
Gen. Palmer May Be pen.ioued.

Il, Zen. John Nj. Palmer does not
c0iold, bills will l'be introduced in the
.;a Sua'e and house to grant him pom
ISa q. the rate of $100a month. Gen.
|asa .vul Y. Black, OF Illinois, an ex-con-
|Sess, |s'0ss@an, is drawing pension of $10Oa
ya'n' The information comes from
|easn epsnngneld that Gen, Palmer has re-
|esay aay sustained partial loss of his
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1899-01-19
To Fill Vacancies at Once.

Speaker Reed had decided not to fill
'ne vacancies on the appropriation.
rules and ways and means committee
until after March, but the death OF
Mr. Dingley has forced him to de-
clslon to fill these vacancies at once.
representative Degraffenreid goes on
se appropriation committee in place
|Ul tovernor Sayers. Hon. James ID.
n,,lchardson, !, of Tennessee, will take
acMillin's place on the rules and
|sSays and means committees, and the
uSnt Is ON between Dalzell, of Penn
|'yNania, and Payne, of New York, for
,1 ,as place made vacant by the death OF
Mr.. Dingley.
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1899-01-19
Work Would Cost s13.OOO,OOO.

Inc secretary of war has sent to
congress the survey and report of
O'afd OF army engineers ON the South
@ west Pass, Mississippi river, which is
|lne OF the most extensive river and
|na'oor M projects under construction.
-. lug ooard proposes sytem of jetties
suu the estimates for the entire work
s Sl3, 900. 900
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1899-01-19
Monthly Bureau of Sta, istics Report.


The bureau of statistics Friday made
public its monthly statement of ex-
ports of breadstuffs, provisions, in
cluding cattle and hogs, cotton and
mineral oils. The statement shows a
remarkable expansion OF our export
trade in these things for the calendar
year 1898, the total being, $789, 667,-
594, against $693, 610, TAT for the year
1897, which was in its turn much the
largest for apy- xeV. sipeaubqqt2s, "Prus
visions, cotton and mineral oils ag-
gegated $671, $685. For Decem-
ba, 1898, the total exports of the
e0nmodities named was $93, 273, ,506,
assinst $38, 630,60S for December,
1907
The free press. (Poplarville, Miss.) 1890-19??, 1899-01-19

KNIGHTS OF PYTHIAS
Pine Tree Lodge, No. 96
W. |. Thames, C. C.
N. Batson, K R. S.
Meets every Friday evening at s o'clock.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
SACRED THORN TREE.
strange Story of One That blossoms
Only at Christmas.

Six miles northwest of the quiet little
episcopal city of Wells rises a lofty penk,
called by the Celtic natives of west Brit
ain tor" II Is conspicuous for miles
around. with the ztoS.ae oe an euSiont.
chapel on its top and with neat little
country town and the ruins of n noble old
abbey.
Sufficient evidence remains to show
that the abbey was of vast proportions,
occupying In all 60 aeres of ground 1t
was founded by Saxon kings and further
endowed by the Normnns and Plan
tagenets. The grand ehancel and It's fino
chapels were built In the finest style Of
later Norman architecture, but now little
more than crumbling walls and pillars
testify TO the once great beauty of tho
abbey.
The porch of st. Joscph's chapel, how
ever, Is In n fair state OF preservation.
Outside there grows the famous Glaston-
bury thorn that blossoms but for one day
In the yenr, and that Christmas day.
This tree has strange history.
During his long journey from Palestine
St Joseph of Arimathen visited the dis
trict, he and his Il companions having
been sent by ST. Philip, the apostle, to
convert the then heathen nation of Brit
ain and to cast out the Druid supersti.
ton.
st. Joseph and his followers found their
'f,iyy ,v 1idstonbtify; tins s-sss.'' q 10
"Yhiswytryn." They were all aweary,
and, arriving on the summit of the hill,
Joseph, who was using hawthorn stick
ms walking stuff, stuck IL into the
ground. and II burst Into bloom. The
present Glastonbury thorn IL an offshoot
by continued grating of st. Joseph of
Arimnthea's walking staff. - London
Mail
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
Eattns Avn, s,nne Hya,1a.

At first sight it would seem hardly
possible for bacteria 10 be concerned
In the breaking down of a stone WALL
yet this is the case. according to OBJ
servations made in studying the cause
of the decay of cement. The gradual
disintegration of the cement mortar
used In water supply reservoirs is one
of the serious troubles met with by
water engineers and trouble which
SO far they have not been able to avoid
with any measure of practical success.
Hitherto this action was supposed 10
be the result of the solvent property of
carbonic acid and other mineral sub
stances commonly present In water
supply. The cement gradually disin-
tegrates and becomes a kind of mud
which slowly detaehes itself But now
II has been found this strange process
Is due TO the action of none other than
that baeterium known rs the nutrlfy-
ing organism, An examination OF the
mud shows it TO be teeming with these
organisms
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
ROMAN CHRISTMAS.
Season of joy and MerrymafSinE
In the Eternal City.


Although the picturesque scenes and
grand functions which formerly attracted
visitors to Rome at this time of the year
are in great measure things of the past,
perhaps in few other cities OF the world
Is 1t possible to pass more delightful
Christmas than in Rome. for here in the
venerable Caput Mundi. all the cosmopol
itan usages and customs which follow In
the motley train of old Father Christmas
seem to concur IN rendering II n season OF
JOY and merrymaking while the peculiar
fascination of the Eternal City sheds n
kind of glamour over the most varied eel.
ebratons and the beautiful religious GER
emonies are unequaled for solemnity and
impressive grandeur.
or nll seasons this is in Rome the gay
est within the circle of domestic life, but
the vigil. instead of the day itself, may
be said to be the great occasion for fam
lily reunions. Here, as everywhere else,
the most important part of the profnne
programme Is Of n purely astronomical
nature, and the cenone--i. c.. "bi-supper"
takes the place OF the Christmas dinner
OF the following day, as held In England.
The appearance OF the shops is brilliant
and striking in the extreme Mt this time
of the year. the confeetioners' windows
especially being full of things the sweet
est and prettiest-sugnr temples, snowy
cakes called paagialli, made of almonds,
raisins and flour "a redoubtable compost.
ton, compared to which nm honest Brit
ish plum pudding is us light as wafer);
longitudinal papers filled with torrone
and all sorts of other delicacies
One of the first Christmas trees ever
introduced into Rome was for the little
Prince OF Naples, heir TO the Italian
throne, whose nursery goyerness was an
English lady, and since then the Teutonic
custom has gradually become Ia mode
In Rome. - London Mnii.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20

Get n large sheet or tablecloth and a
small feather. Have the company take
hold of the edges of the sheet and form
a ring. Then some one blows the
feather into the air and all must do
their part to keep 1t In the air and not
let 1t touch any one, and so 1t Is blown
from one side to another, while the eff
forts made TO keep 1t floating are very
funny. Sometimes. In the excitement
OF keeping the feather up, some one
will forget all about holding the sheet
up, and then more excitement and fun
follow.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
CHRISTMAS DAY.
trow the Date Dec. 25 Came to BE En-
InhilhheI.


There Is some disagreement us to the
origin of Christmas day. The legend runs
TINT In the earliest period of the Chris
tian church some communities of Chris
tians celebrated the festival of Christmas
on jnn. |, others observing 1t on the 9th
of that month. In some of the eastern
churches it was kept about the time of
the Jewish Passover. near the end of
March. There is also some evidence of
Its having been observed ON Sept. 20, be-
ing the Feast of Tabernaeles. In the
year A. d. $50, when the Emperor Con-
stantine legally established Christianity
In the Roman empire, Christmas was OBJ
served at the beginning of the new year.
while in the eastern church it was cele-
brated on Jun. q. Pope Julius eventually
effected a compromise, and the 25th day
of December was established. These his
torical statements hive been called in
question by some, but John Chrysostom,
the eloquent preacher Mt Constantinople,
In the fourth century confirms them.
IL Ii n curious circumstance that some
difficulty has been found in accepting the
date af Dan OK 49, -~i =. i-i-sss-a-s.J
which Christ was born, because. the close
OF December being usually the height of
the rainy season In Judaea, IL Is said that
neither locks nor shepherds could have
been at night in the fields OF Bethlehem.
This strange objection Is considered OF
such Importance that 4 i Incorporated in
almost every encyclopedia and dictionary
which treats of Christmas. II Is one of
the curiostles of literature. The present
writer has been In those parts at this
season of the year and has found no diff
fculty In excepting watch by night" in the
open fields of Palestine, What Is posi-
bic for n western traveller, unused to liv-
ing In the open mir, in the nineteenth CEN
fury, must have been far easier for
band OF eastern shepherds at the begin
ming of the Christian era.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
Christmas Game.

You ARE 10 write capital d on Il
sheet Of paper while standing at table.
At the same time you must try to make
Your right foot swing in the opposite
direction from that which the pencil Is
following on the paper 1t sounds easy.
Try it i'll every WY You can think of.
First get yonr foot going toward the left
in an easy swing and then start your let
ter and see what will happen. Then try.
beginning tie letter first and going in
presently with the proper circle in tho
opposite direction. II you do not hugh at
the result, you will probably be profane
San Francisco Evening Post.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20

A strange superstition. which may owe
soinctlIng of Its origin to the associa-
tiuns hound up with the Biblical nara
tive Of the Nativity, obtains credence to
this day among the peasants of Siberia.
BY them 1t Is believed that gift Of
human speech and superhumnn prophecy
descends upon the beasts Of the stall and
byre during the mystic hour that heralds
the Christmas dawn and that IL one Is
bold enough to hide beneath the straw
on such occasions he will hear his fate
for the coming year foretold by his do
nestle animals A betrayal of his pres
cnce. however, entails certain destruc-
tion.-Pall Mall Gazette.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
Getting Acauaiufed,

A Ravenswood man tells this story
about n friend of his whose business
takes him away from home frequently
For the last month or so he has had
a respite, and his neighbors have no
ticed the unusual length of his visit to
his own house. One Of them asked
him recently If he had got pretty well
acquainted with the members of his
family.
Il think am making an impress
sion," he responded. My little girl
went to her mother the other day and
said. That man who comes here some
times spanked me today Chicago
News
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
The Food We Need.

DR.. Payy. one Of the most eminent
authorities upon diet, says that the
average man in state of absolute rest
can live on 10 ounces of food n day, a
man doing ordinary light work can live
on % ounces and man doing labori-
Gus work needs from 20 to 80 ounces.
This Is food absolutely free from wa
ter, and 1t must be remembered that
everything we eat contains more or
less water so that from 4S to 60 ounces
of ordinary food are necessary accord
ing to the work In which man Ii en-
gagged.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
THE YuLE LOG.
1t Has Its Origin In scandinavian
Mythology.


In the Scandinavian feast of JUL,
when they burned huge bonfires in honor
of Thor, we discover the origin of the
Yule log. The descendants of the old
Norsemen, who ne doubt are responsible
for the custom in England, carefully
preserved half of the log with which to
be burned at next Yuletide, and so we
have the old English proverb, but In
poetical form, by Herrick:
Part must be kept wherewith to tend
The Christmas log next year.
And where It's safely kept the nend
Can do no mischief here.
The Druidical contribution to the mod
ern Christmas celebration originated In
the annual feast given in honor of the
Druid god Tutanus, who corresponds to
the Phoenean sun god Baa His fa-
voritc among all trees and plants of the
forest was supposed to be the mistletoe.
Tho number three was held In rever-
ence by these ancient people, and, be-
cause the leaves and berries of this par
aslte grew In clusters of three, this, in
addition to the glory Of being Tutanus'
fayoritc. made the plant sncrc6. and an
nunlly there was n great festival given
In Its honor.
In the choice and selection of the Yule
log the ash tree plays n very important
part. In Scandinavian mythology 1t is
Odin's tree and was most noble, for Its
wood made the spear and the javelin,
the oar aud the mast. In their Ian
guage ash means man, and the legend
runs that when the sons OF Bor, who
were sons of Odin, formed the first man
and woman they were made out of a
piece of ash. This man was named
Aska. And at the present day In Devon
shire, as a relic of this pagan reverence
for this tree, we find the Christmas fagot
made of ash sticks, bound tightly to-
gether by green withes or bands OF poll
lard oak. As each withe bursts quart
OF cider Is passed around. and healths
are drunk, amid great gee and rejoicing.
The gypses, too, and the wild hill peo-
pie of Bavaria and Bohemia reverence
the ash. although their legends attached
to II are Christian in their origin.-Bos.
ton Herald.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
Shirt of ChrIstmns.

About Christmas there Is an ineffable
strangencss md mysticism. 1t seems pos
sessed of spirit as well as body.
This spirit seems redolent In the air, in
the strains of Christmas music, on tho
evergreen and mistletoe and ON the very
pealing OF the bells which food tn
world with melody seemingly garnered
through all the II months since that sa-
cred night when heaven kissed the earti
and Christ our Lord was born and the
angel choirs ehanted, GLORY to God In
the highest. and on earth peace TO mel
of good will" For nearly 1000 years
this hymn has continued to ring down
the changing grooves of time and still
re-echoes DER the weary world at Christ
mas dawn Elmira Telegram.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
THE HISS WHO j: !:
: !. LOVED A HERO. ::
Observation-Disclosures;

Some one has said that the time is not
lar away when "scallnpers" and summer
Visitors will be the only residents of Nam
t5ei,et island. This opinion savors OF
t. ressimist and ought not TO be toler-
a;el
Rut II this prophecy should ever be-
Tome II fact II is not unlikely that the
'4ouloper' would stand higher in the
.jngdom of heaven" This does not Inn
9y that the summer visitor is not all
eight Decidedly it would be hard to get
along withu,t him. But give the man
who knows life hs choice, and it will be
the Nantucket fisherman every time.
When Tim Henderson first saw Per-
is Hayward. he was sailing up and
daNa The hnrbor in his catboat, the Nan
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
German stun,nx FOR Roast Goose.

For German stuiiing take one-half
pound of fresh bread crumbs, one-half
pound ench of chopped apples, seeded
raislns and blanched almonds, the goose
liver parboiled and chopped. one table
spoonful Of powdered sage, the rlnd of
lemon, two scnnt teaspoonfus OF salt and
teaspoonful of chopped onion. Mix thor
oughly and moisten with teacupful Of
melted butter. Stuff the crop and body
lightly III packed the dressing will be
spggy), and the result will be gas
tronomic delight. Selected.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20

II is the unnatural drains, the irregular
ity, the alterations and inflammations
which sap woman's strength. Cure these
and health comes back with all its joys.
Diseases of the delicate womanly or
gans are positively and permanently
cured by the use of DIR. Pierce's Favorite
Prescription. Thousands of women are
on record as living witnesses to the truth
OF that statement
Sick women are invited to consult DIR.
Pierce by letter without charge. Every
letter is held as private and its story
guarded as sacred confidence All an
swers are mailed in private envelopes
bearing no printing upon them. Address
DIR. Pierce, Buffalo, N. Y.
Mrs. H. A. Alsbrook. of Austin, i4onoke Co..
Ark, writes. After five months of great suf-
frring write this for the benefit of other suffer
ers from the same affection. doctored with
our family physician without any good results,
SO my husband urged me to try Dr. Pierce
medicines--which did with wonderful results
/ am completely cured. took four bottles OF
Or, Pierce's Favorite Prescription, four Of his
Golden Medical Discovery and two walls OF
his Pleasant Pellets.
DIR. Pierce's Pellets cure biliousness,
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
cauIiao,yer For chrIstmas.

Boil good sized eaulifower until ten
der. chop 1t coarsely and press 1t hard In
n bowl or mold so that 1t will keep its
form when turned out. Put the shape
thus made upon n dish that will stand
the heat and pour over 1t tomato
sauce. Make this by cooking together a
Tablespoonful of butter and -four In
saucepan and pouring upon them pint
OF strained tomato juice In which half
an onion has been stewcd. Stir until
smooth and thickcn still more by the ad-
dition of three or four tablespoonfuls OF
cracker dust. Salt TO taste. turn the
sauce over the nodded cauliflower, set 1t
In the oven for about ten minutes and
serve In the dish In which II Is cooked.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
Selecting the Turkey.

In choosing a turkey the age OF the
bird is the principal thing to be attend
ed TO A young gobbler is best lie may
be distinguished from n hen turkey by
his comb. The age may be aseertained
by the lower part of the breastbone. If
soft and pliahle. the turkey is young. Ii
stiff, it is old aud not good for roasting.
II can only be used for boiling and brais-
Ing. Turkeys weighing from eight 10
fen pounds each are thought best.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20

said: "I'd done the same thing any time
IL hadn't stopped to think. The first
thing knew ! was out on that line. mn !
wouldn't swear that ! was glad on Il"
When Tim aud Pcrss were married the
next summer. there WIS good deal Of
fuss made. especially by the summer Wis
itors. but Tim says their water line la
jest about right to take 'em over the bar.
an they wouldn't do for deep water
craft.
Perhaps the best thing about the whole
affair is that they understood each other
before the fatal tie WINS bound, and at
least one woman has proved that matri-
mony aud woman's independence are
rot necessarily incompatible. - Boston
Glhe.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
A CHRISTMAS SONG

Shining sprays of ivy bringl
Irvine a carcanet for Mirth,
Who shall make the echoes ring
Round the genial Christmas hearth.
Hunehhack Care away shall creep.
With Distrust and Doubt, forsoothl
And the nimble quip shall leap
From the lip OF Age and Youth.
And while Marian, trim of tread,
Sets the candies all aglow,
Slyly DER the maiden's head -
One shall hang the mistletoe.
Then it's hal my lass. and heyl
And it's hot my lad. and hill
Faith, his wits are gone astray
Who would let the chance slip hyl
Clinton Scoilard.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20

Mrs. Worth think this gold
pen would be the most appropriate ar
ticle we could send Harvey for birth
day present.
Mr.. Worth No, no; II we sent him
that the first use he'd make Of 1t
would be to write home for money, SO
we'll send him cash and make an end
OF it.-Jewelers' Weekly.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1899-12-20
The Final Touph.

Ready for all that might befall, the
female detective prepared TO venture
forth on the track of the desperate
criminal At the threshold she paused
and cast one more look back,
"Is rIy disguise on straight" she
asked Philadelphia North American