The Irish standard. [volume] (Minneapolis, Minn. ;) 1886-1920, 1899-12-09
Should Have Invited the Special
National Committees
TO MANAGE HIS DOMESTIC AFFAIRS
Humorist Of the Brooklyn Eagle
Slaps the Busybodies.

The funny man of the Brooklyn
Eagle thus pays his respects to the med
dlers who think they should have the
management of Admiral Dewey's pri
vate affairs:
1t would seem by numerous dispatch
es, sent to the writer of this column
from various more or less intellectual
and enterprising cities and towns OF the
country, that Admiral Dewey's affairs
are commanding widespread attention.
From what has already reached his ears,
in the shape OF acrid criticism, it must
now be apparent to the admiral that he
placed his peace of mind in jeopardy by
failing to intrust his business and do
mestc affairs each to the charge of a
special national committee. His sudden
marriage, "precipitate" as it has been
termed in some quarters, was so unex
pectcd as to shock a great host OF es-
timable wall flowers and spinsters, and
alienate the esteem of greater numbers
of middle aged and elderly gentlemen
who are paying the bills OF expensive
1narriageable daughters. Had tile hero
OF Manila Bay confded his matrimonial
and business affairs to a few committees
organized after the following named
fashion, he might have been relieved
from the responsibilities which are caus-
ing his present embarrassment:
National Committee on Matri1nony-
Composed OF representatives OF the
various Sewing, Won1an's Suffrage
and Society Womcn's organizations
Lydia Pinkhan1, chairman.
National Committee on Wedding
Trousseau-Composed of the Daugll-
tiers and Danes of Discussion. Chair
man, Lavinia Dempsey.
National Committee on Wedding Tour
Presidents of the various Hotel
Keepers Associations. Chairman
Simon Ford.
National Committee on Possible Can
didacy for Prcsident-Mark Hanna,
Thomas C. Platt, Mat Quay, Colonel
Dick OF Ohio.
But the admiral has missed the op-
portunity to settle down quietly to the
usual peaceful quiet of domestic life, and
must continue to endure savage criti-
cism until some other gallant American
becomes hero and presents his head
as target for the missiles of his fellow
countrymen. The character of the crit
icism showered upon Dewey is fully in
dicated by the following dispatches by
wireless telegraph:
Oshkosh-The whole city is in an in
tense state of indignation over Admiral
Dewey's insult to the great industries Of
the mighty West. The Hon. A. N.
Oldsoak says: admiral Dewey has
put slight upon this community which
will be resented vigorously at the polls
should he ever show his head as can
didate for the presidency. 1 am credi-
bly, informed that he bought all of his
wedding socks in one of those great
capitalistic department stores which line
Wall street, New York. The sock in
dustry of the mighty West will never
forget or forgive this base attempt to
curry favor with soulless eastern capital
He will find in the end that he might
better have followed Jerry Simpsons
example and worn no socks at all. Our
contribution to the Dewey Home Fund
as city amounted to $248"
Kalamazoo-This imperial city has
been moved deeply by Admiral Dewey's
refusal to visit the town before he Sc
lected a wife. According to the last
official report made to the mayor OF this
tremendous metropolis by the head of
the Bureau of Vital Statistics, the mar
riageable women outnumbered the
males at the rate of seven to one, and
no relief is in sight. But once before in
the history OF this great center of cul-
ture and homemade suspender indus
tries was this city subjected to gross
insult that ranks with the one put upon
us by Admiral Dewey. That was when
William Jennings Bryan, while making
his canvass for votes in 1896, was in
formed by the conductor of the train in
which he was travelling that it did not
go any farther than Kalamazoo that
night. Whereupon Bryan remarked:
Then I'll sleep in the car all night