Arizona republican., 1899-02-23
NEGOTIATIONS or
 MARTIN DOOLEY

"I see be tn pa-apers, said MT. Doc ley, "that Lord Charles Beresford is in our mist, as Hogan says
 An who tn divvle's he?" asked MT Hennessy.
 He's a Watherford man." said MT Dooley q knowed his father well-a markess be thrade an a fire man Charles wint to sea early, but he's now in tn plastherin' business-ce- mlntin' tn lieance iv tn United States an England I'll thank ye to laugh at me joke Mister Hinnissy, an not be standin' there lcokin' like a Chinny- man in sthreet car"
 T don't know what ye mean,'' said MT. Hennessy, softly.
 Lord Charles Beresford is a sort iv advance agent iy tn White Mans Bur den Thrajeedy company-two little Evas, four hundred millyon Topsies, six hundred millyon Uncle Toms. He's billin' tn counthry fir tn three yumphal tour iv tn Monsther Aggre- gation Nawthin' can stop it. Blood is thicker than wather, an together ar-rm-in-ar-rm we'll spread tn light iv civilization firm wan ind iv tn wur- ruld to tn other, no mather what you an SchwartZmeister say, Hinnissy
 Be hivins, I like tn way me kins- men acrost tn sea, as the pa-apers say, threat us 'Ye whelps, says Lord Charles Beresford an Rcodyard Kip ling an Tiddy Rosenfelt an' tn other Anglo-Saxons. Foolish an frivolous people, cheap but thrue-hearted an in- sincere cousins, they says. ''Tis little ye know about anything. Ye ar-re a disgrace to humanity. Ye love tn dollar betther thin ye love anything but two dollars. Ye ar-re savage but inthrestin Ye misname our titles Ye use tn crool Krag- -Jorgensen instead iv tn cam an penethratin' Lee-Metford. Ye kiss ye're heroes an give thim wur- ruk to do; we smash in their hats an illivate thim to tn peerage. Ye have desthroyed our language. Ye ar-re rapidly convartin' our ancesthral pal aces into dwellin' houses. Ye're nor als are loose, we're drinks ar-re ener- vatin' but pleasant, an ye talk through ye're noses. Ye ar-re mussy at tn table an ye have no religion. But ye ar-re Whelps iv tn ol' line. Those iv ye that ar-re not our brother-in-law we welcome as brothers. Ye annoy us SD much ye must be mimbers iv our own family Tn same people that is washed occasionally be tn Mississippi as it rowls majistic along tn impeeryaI states iv Oheehcl an Duluth, wathrin' tn fertyle plains iv Wyoming an MattSchoosets, is to be found arnin' q iivin' OH tn short but far more dirtier Thames. We have tn same Ethra- choor. Ye Tread cur Shakespear so we can't understand it, an we Tread we're aspirin authors-Poe an Lowell an or Sleuth tn Detective. We ar-re not onfamilyar with ye're inthrestin' h bicfl ITn 10r- s1t., iv tn achievements iv Gin 'ral Shafter an Gin'r2l Coxey. Ye're ambassadors have always been kindly received, an they taught us how to dhraw to busted flush or wept on our collars or recited original pothry to us, we had 9 b-ctherly feelin' for thim that med us say: Poor fellows, they're doin tn best they can." So, says they, come to our arms an together we'll go out an conquer tn wurruld'
 An we're goin' to do it, Hinnissy. Tn rayciption that this here sintimint has rayceived firm ivry man that has a son in colledge is almost tumulch- use. We feel like a long-lost brother that's been settin' outside in tn cold f'r a week an is now asst in to supper an sarched at tn dure fir deadly weepins. We'll have to set up straight
 
 napkins down cur throats or dhrinkin' put iv tn saucer or kickin' our boots off undher tn table. No r-reachin' fir but Nah, will ye kindly pass tn Ph-ilppeens.' or No, thank ye, 3ah, help ye'ersilf first
 An will we stay in? Faith, I din raw. We feel kindly to each other, l put it looks to me like tn first up in h. mornin' tn first away with tn 7alu' bles.''
 ''I'll niver come in protested Mir. iennessy, stoutly.
 NO more ye will, V rebelyous said Mr Dooley An twas thinkin' iv you an tn likes iv -ou an 'Schwartzmeist an tn likes iv | Jim that med me wondher If tn lieance got into a war with Garmany m some wan was to start a rough-an'- tumble in Ireland about iliction time I V0ndher Wud tn cemint hold! "-Chi- ago Journal