Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1899-11-09
lCont ibuted ]
Uncle Sam.

/ AO was 81 fEAy D1u CltuEls ~ ~ w t4'
1 truth of it, but he was a hard working
] fellow, never having any time for youth
ful amusements, and so folks got to calling
him old man, and uncle, just because ht
was a little old fashioned IN his ways.
| By industry and economy and by always
attending strictly to his own business
Uncle Sam had amassed large fortune, O
which he was not little vain, and wal
much envied by his neighbors in conse
quence thereof = albeit some of them
affected to look down upon him because BIZ
was common working man and didn't
put on as much style as they did.
He was a peaceable fellow, too, and in
spite Of certain propensity for bluster.
ing, inherited from his father, John Bull, be
was seldom known to pick a quarrel with
any hcdy.
TO be sure he had occasional spais with
his neighbors, as indeed who does not ?
And be was somewhat quick of temper
and apt TO fi9 up when be thought be was
being imposed upon, but even his worst
enemies couldn't saF that he was quarrel
some or hard TO get along with.
Across the pond from Uncle Sans farm
there stood remscackle old castle in
habited by knock-kneed, decrepit and
exceedingly vain old grandee who was
generally called the Don
This Don was one of the has beens. he
had been quite wealthy and was some
thing of fighter in his younger days. but
of late years he had got down pretty poor,
and was too feeble to do much except to
give himself mighty airs and brag about
bis arislocratic pedigree, and the great
things he had done when he was a young
man.
The Don had several children who had
got married and settled down upon farms
on Uncle Sans side of the pond.
At first they undertook to farm on
shares for the Don. but as he was always
hectOring and domineeripg over them and
took pretty much all they raised for his
share, they soon got tired of it, and, one
after the other, threw off his authority
had set up for themselves.
The two smallest children, Cuba and
Porto Rico, had never been able to rid
themselyesof the Old Don's yoke, although
the farmer was always making attempts tc
do so, and getting numerically beaten
for it,
Uncle Sam, as may well be supposed
was geatly annoyed by these continual
squabIes under his very nose, and more
than once had been strongly tempted &c
stop the Don from pounding his rebellious
offspring.
He had never quite reached the point Of
interfering, however, and The scrappine
and caterwauling went on until it almost
made life burden TO him.
What was worse the Don never gave
him the least credit for his forbeaTance, but
accused him of helping Cuba on the sly
and broadly iutimated that he was only
kept from interfering openly by the fear Of
getting a licking.
So things went on from bad to worse
with poor Cuba catching it harder all the
time, and the Don becoming more insult.
ing in his conduct every day, until Uncle
Sans patience was about exhausted To
cap the climax, this wicked old Don, not
having the fear of God before his eyes
and being instigated by the devil, maIic-
iously blew up one of Uncle Sans boats
with dynamite, destroying nearly all her
crew.
This was the last straw, and after as
surfing himself that there had been nc
accident about it, Uncle Sam summary
ordered the Don to pack himself off to his
own side of the pond or take the conse-
quences-
This put the Don into a perfect trans
port of rage, and thrO wing off his coat
with a great flourish, he swore he would
wipe the earth with the insolent Samuel
and teach him what it was to insult q
gentleman.
Uncle Sam thought there was no use in
any further paTleyIDg about the matter, Sc
without more Dew(ey) hauled off and
smashed the Don a regular pile driver
blow in the face that BACKED that aristo.
cratic old gentleman's eye completely, and
caused him to see more stars than there il
in the milky way.
AT first the Don's neighbors and friends
were greatly scandalized by this high.
handed proceeding on the part of Uncle
Sam. and were loud in their expressions
of disapprOVal; but when they came Il
fully realize the terrible effectiveness Of
the blow and saw what a poor showing
the old Don was making, they
became more guarded in their expression.
of friendship for him, and hastily gave W
all notion of interference.
In none of them was this change O.
! heart more noticeable than in johnny Bull
/ C1tldl OluE OfCE NuO lELp1lcEbtUu Vi Su1UIt
hard traps that he had received in hi
encounters with Uncle Sam, he took M
pains at the outset to conceal his sympathy
with the Don, but when he saw the bnsi
ness-ike manner In which Sam wa
polishing off his adversary, he suddenly
began to profess great fondness for hin
and declared that he was a chip off th,
old block, and looked more like his daC
every day.
The longer the fight went on, the NOR,
apparent did it become that the old Dor
was completely purchased, and the NOR
fervent did Johns love wax for the con
querer.
He hoped around in perfect ecstac,
of delight, proudly calling every body
attention to the relationship between hin
and Sam, and swearing roundly that
any body inteIfered in the fight they woul,
have him TO reckon with.
To be sure, no one had the slightes
intention of interfering, but Sam had beef
haunted all along by the idea that som,
European bully would jump onto hin
while be was busy with the Don, so b
was nightly pleased with Johns pro
professions of friendship, and addresses
himself to the work at hand with renewe
Vigor.
After sparring awhile for an opening, b
got his clumsy old opponent where b
wanted him, and leading of with a sti
upper cut that closed the other eye, b
landed a Schley blow on the solar plexu
that knocked the Don completely out, am
left him just able TO feebly gasp that b
had enough.
+ At first Uncle Sam appeared to be cor
sid erably astonished at his easy victor
and could hardly realize that the fight wa
over
The job had been SO much easier tina
J he expected, that he scarcely knew wha
10 make of it for a bit, but when be foun
that the poor old Don was completed
! done for, while he hadn't received a seated
he seemed to lose his head completely, an
J straigbtway began to perform in a wa
. that was certainly astonishing to thos
who had known him in earlier years.
Cooking his hat ierceIy on one side
!. his head and assuming a stern and wal
, like expression Of eounienance, be al
nounced that he was in the ring to sta
and was fully able 10 lick all creation.
He declared moreover, that the Almighl
had placed certain responsibilities on biz
which it would be cowardly 10 shirk -thl
be had call TO 20 out in the world wit
the good John Bull and preach the gosp
of peace and civilization to all nations, az
especially 10 the nations with which
could trade st a good profit.
His heart yearned for the poor heathe
4. &