The Van Buren press., 1899-12-23
wIGGINS' GREAT SCHEME
mas Has No Iore Terrors
for Him.

"Tell you what, boys began Wig
gins, dropping into his accustomed seat
behind the Way back Junction post
office stove and ostentatiously remov.
| ing a peir of brand-new ear-muffs and
slowing them away in his oyercoat
pocket, christmas an the glad holi-
day time, as they call it, hain't got half
the terrors fer me they used TO have.
Why, l can remember the time when
| used to dread the comm OF Christmas
| fer six weeks in advance, an l used TO
/ lay awake nights tryin' to figger out
what l could get fer Mahala fer about
12 shillings that she'd think cost five
or six dollars an be tickled to pieces
over, an then when l got it mebbe l
wouldn't hit the bull's-eye after all,
an she'd find fault an want me TO take
| it back to the store and trade it off
/ fer suthin' else. An then. to sort of
cap the climax an pile the final straw
on the eamel's back. I'd generally md
in my stocking, or pinned fast 10 it If
there wasn't room inside, pair Of
homemade carpettop slippers big
enough for the Cardiff giant, or a rutfied
an ribbon etrimmed nighteap that |
wouldn't wear fer a dollar night, es-
pecially if anyone was liable TO see me
in it, or some other fancy gimcraek
of no earthly use to anybody outside of
a dime museum or refuge fer the
feeble minded.
THAT is the way it used to be on
Christmas, but now it is different. Me
an Mahala have turned over a new leaf
on the annual Christmas-present in
fiction, as | used TO consider it. We
turned it over exactly five years ago,
sort of topped the leaves simultaneous
ly. as it were. an sence that time I've
enjoyed havin' the merry Christmases
come scootin' along, an liked the pres
ents got each time better'n ever did
before in my life.
Its great idee. boys, there's no dis
count on that, an I s'pose l ought to
get a patent on it, but I hate to make
folks pay fer anything that's goin' to
be public benefit an make everybody
happier that adopts it. I'll tell you how
il works, an then you can all see fer
yourselves what big improvement it
is over the old way Of buyin' Christmas
presents.
1T was a little over five years ago
that the idee popped into my head, an
| guess Mahala must be mind-reader
or suthin' similar, because, though |
never let on a word about what l was
~ Oh raa-,a1 20 -aE - h.
plan l was reyolvin' in my upper story
an adopt it at the same time | did. Meb.
be it was jest plain instinct-women
are great on that, you know. Anyhow.
there wasn't no frettin' or worryin'
around about suitable Christmas pres.
ents that year; everything slipped
along as slick as if they had been 'spe-
cially creased fer the occasion, an
when Christmas mornin' finally arrived
on schedule time 1 jumped out of bed as
usual, hauled a pasteboard box about
three inches square out of my right
stocking, opened it and found inside OF
it as purity set of store-teeth as you
ever clapped into your mouth.
II seen right away that the dentist
had made a misfit of it, so 1 spoke up
an said:
"'See here. Mahala, they've meas
ured the wrong mouth fer these teeth.
They're purity as picter. but they're
about four sizes too small fer me an if
try to wear 'em the first thing l know
I'll be swallowin' the plaguey things an
chokin' myself to death
"Is that SOP says Mahala, quietly.
We'll, then, suppose you exchange with
me fer this meersham pipe an fancy
tobacker pouch that have jest found
in my stocking. I've been wantin' a new
set of teeth fer some time, an !
shouldn't wonder a mite if those you've
got there would jest fit me-
Il didn't see any objections to tradin'
seein' I'd been hankerin' fer that kind
of a pipe fer quite a spell, so we made
the trade, GRIMM over it as if il was a
good joke on both of us; an sense that
time me an Mahala have swopped
presents right along each Christmas,
an got suthin' useful an satisfactory
an that fitted as well as if We had been
measured fer it every time.
"Yes, stree, boys" concluded Virgins,
with the air of man who is well
pleased with the world and himself, -
always used to dread buyin' Christina,
presents worse'n gettin' tooth pulled,
but sence I've hit onto sensible way Of
doin' the thing, Mahala agrees with
me on 1t an follers the same plan, the
annual holiday shoppin' possesses no
more terrors fer me than stepp-n'
around to the grocery store Saturday
night an investin' in peck of Ber-
muda sweet potatoes, fresh from Jersey,
or purchasin' pound an a half of the
latest brand of boneless codfsh."-N.
Y World