The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1898-09-12

mics and keeps 1t himself" Hicks and
( Thackeray, walking together, stopped OPP
posite a doorway over which was in
I scribed in gold letters these words: MI
/ tual Loan Office. They both seemed
/ puzzled What on earth can that
I mean?" asked Hicks. Il don't know,
! that two men, who have nothing, agree
Z to lend it to another One would almost
as soon expect TO see Thomas Carlyle
at Crerorne gardens as DR.. johnson
/ Gus photographer penned this pretty
/ trifie:
] If a man who turnips cries,
/ Cry not when. his father dles,
IT'S proof that he would rather
Have a turnip than father"
Stay. DR.. Johnson was, after ALL not
wanting in the Wis comica. When he had
finished the work which laid the founda-
I ton of most English dictionaries, ne
asked the man who had carried the last
sheet to AIillar, the publisher, What did
he say!' Sir said the messenger, ne
said. Thank God. i have done with
HIM" And Ursa Major, in his sranaes5
style, replied, Il am glad he thanks tiod
for anything" The mention of dicuon-
aries recalls a "Reminiscences of one of II.
j. Byrons plays, The point lies between
a play upon words and an expression of
opinion, Two rival names are mentioned
in it. both so good that the one compile
nients the other, like two harmonious
colOrS on painters palate. The heroine
of the comedy is a bright American girl,
full of fun and patriotism Praislng her
own country at the expense OF the hero
Cher lover. by the way, she tells him that
America has had even to undertake the
task of teaching England how TO spell;
apropos of which she triumDhantly de-
mands: What 90 you say TO Webster
'Walkeri' replies the Englishman.
The welded state is a favoriie subject
with the epigram- makers. From very
old ballad we take this:
There was a criminal in a cart
A-going to be hanged;
Respite to him was granted.
And cart and crowd Qld stand,
To know if he would marry wife
Or rather choose to die;
.'Tothers the worst-drive on the Cart"
The criminal did reply
More modern is this verse:
1 would advise man to pause
Before he takes a wife;
In fact, see no earthly cause
He should not pause for life.
Who. by the way. is the author who de-
scribes a second marriage as being the
triumph of hope over experience2
Samuel Lovers matrimonial epigram is
very opposite:
Though matches are made in heaven, they
Yet Hymen (xho mischief oft hatches)
Sometimes deals with the house tother
side of the way,
And there they make Lucifer matches.
Marriage, says selden, rs a desper-
treme.y wise; they had a great mind to
some water but they would not leap into
the well, because they could not get out
gunpowder, observes Douglas Jerrold.
'-brt one can not believe it until one is
married. The same lively wit tells us:
MY notion of a wife at 40 is that man
= .nf1D har lrp hal
note. for two twenties. Somebody told
Oeo4-e Colman that certain actor, by
the death of his wife, had suffered a loss
he would not soon be able to make up.
Colrnan drvIy said: ITO tell YOU the
truth [ do nos believe that he has quar-
relied with his loss yet. Samuel Foote
was much bored by pompous physician
al Bath, who told him that he thought or
Publishing his own poems, but he had so
many irons in the fire that he really did
not know what to do. Take my advice,
DOCTOR SAID FCote. and put your poems
where your irons are.
Garrick's happy lines on Sir John Hill
in his double faculty of physician and
playwright are well known:
For physic and farces his equal there
scarce is
His farce is a physic. his physic a farce
is.
Some other wit thus supplemented the
couDlet:
The worst that we wish thee, for all thy
vile crimes,
Is to take thine own physic and read
thine own rhymes.
Very pungent, indeed, was the remark
of the old Scotchwoman who, when ad-
vsed by her minister to take snuff with
her. TO keen her awake in the kirk while
he was preaching, replied: Why dinna
We put me snuft in the sermon, mon!
Some men preach said Sydney Smith,
las il they thought sin was to be taken
out of q man as Eve, was taken out OF
Adam-by casting him into profound
slumber. 4 wonder. Mr.. Spurgeon,
said and old. respected minister TO the
orator of the Tabernacle, that you allow
yourself such freedom, and discredit your
calling by making SO many jokes in the
pulpit" All replied Mr.. Spurgeon,
you would not wonder at all if you knew
how many more l kept to myself The
Rev. Rowland Hill said once to some peo-
nle who had entered his chapel to avoid
the rain: Many people are to be blamed
for making religion a cloak; but l do not
think those much better who make ii an
A cunning choice of texts has always
been a favorite device with quaint
preachers. OF two rival candidates for a
lecturcshic on trial, the one preached in
the morning on Adam, Where Art
Thou?" His rival in the evening capped
the text with. Here Am 1" and his
ready wit is said to have won the scholar
ship. The late Bishop of Worcester hat
ed church congresses and all similar as
sembles. and never allowed one to be
held in his diocese One day one of his
chaplains told his lordship that he had
been invited to preach at a congress, and
was busy getting ready his sermon.
What text have you chosen?' asked the
bishop In the multitude of chancelors
there is wisdom. was the reply. "Oh.
indeed" said my lord. ALLOW me to sug-
gest another: The talk of the lips tend
eth to penury."