The herald., 1898-12-08
. . . . .
Mr.. DoOIey on the Matter
Of Territorial Expansion

"Well," said Mr.. Dooley, "we've got
'eml"
"Again?" said Mr.. Hennessy, with faint
attempt at joke.
"Niver mind" said Mr. Dooley. We've
got tn Ph hlippeens. Tn Spanyards with
Idhrew to tn antiroom an says wan, Let's
get through Says another, 4 say so, too.
If ct another dinner I'd bust What do
they want? 'Th' Ph'hppeens.' viii they
take thin? Wen thry an see.' An they
come out, an says the chairman, Senyor
Monte Rice, he says: Oh crool an avarl-
cious foe,' he says; 'wretched vampires he
says, that wud suck tn las dhrop iv blood
frim tn fallen form iv poor SPAIN he says.
we have no other recoorse,' he says. we
must surrinder to ye,' he says, 'th' brightest
flower in tn diadem iv lovely but busted
Hispynolio,' he says; 'th' Peril iv the Pass
iic is yours, he says. Take it, he says,
'anless,' he says, 'ye're such monsthers ~
croolty that yed rayfuse,' he says. An
we've got tn Ph'lippeens, Hinnissy; we've
got thin tn way Casey got the bulldog-by
tn teeth.
"What're we goin' to do with thin, says
Iye? That shows Hinnissy, ye're a mug
wump. A mugwump's man that always
wants to know what's goin' to happen mex,
an hopes it won't. What dye think we're
gon' to do with thin? Stirring thin an
wear thin fr beads? Hinnissy, if all tn
people in this country was like tn likes iv
ye, thay'd be on'y enough iv ye to hold a
rayform meetin', an ye'd be Twin in ba-
loon off tn coast iv Maine, ye-ye dam'd
Pilgrim Father, ye!'
81 have a cousin that lives in Lynn" said
Mr.. Hennessy.
"What difference does it make to you an
me what We do with tn Ph'lippeens, amy
how?" Mr.. Dooley went on, not needing the
interruption. ''Tm here an tn Ph'lippeens
are there, an there's too much wather be-
tween us to make frinds. But / know
what'll happen. Twill be what has hap
pened in this very town nanny time.
Theyse sthretch iv prarie just outside TIL
city limits, an nobody iv our kind wants
to live there because it's too quite. But
bimeby some people moves in frim Ohio an
builds a house or two an tn alderman
frim this ward moves fr to annix it to tn
city. An ivry OF lady says: Haven't we
growed enough? What's tn use iv talzin'
in more territory? Isn't our governmint
bad enough as it is? An thin tn good Irish
people moves in an conquers tn savidge
inhabitants an TIL mex ye know that prairie
is blossoming hike rose garden an has be-
come Dimmycratic stronghold. That's
expansion.
9TH throuble with you, Hinnissy, is, ye
think you an Congressman Noonan can set
down in tn back room with piece of chalk
an an oil, slate an figure out what's goin'
to happen, but ye can't. Ye can't figure it
ii. z,,k - L e 4
about tn Ph'lippeens, that ye niver see?
As Hogan an Mckinley both says: 'Th'
nations in tn hands iv tn Lord, anil give
him what assistance it can spare frim it's
other jooties.' TIL first thing to be done is
to appint a sthrong ARMY iv officials that
we can't find annythin' f'r in this country.
TIL comityman toP me Yesterday that they
was three hundhred applications FIR tn
bridge whin Dorsey, that was there befure,
passed over to tn other shure an got tn
job in tn planin' mill. An ye think they'se
no wan fit to conthrol population of
naygurs? 1 tell We, amy man that's
Isthrong enough to even think he can get
job tur-rnin bridge in this country has
force enough to be king iv tn Ph'llipeens
in wan year! IT'S so. WE'LL some iv these
la-ads II be kilt an some'll come home an
thin wan day la-ad that's been bumped
agin in tn sthreet car II sthretch himsilf
an say: GLORY be, but this is small coun-
thry afther ALL an he'll sail away an he
won't have amy job to eat off an he'll have
to make livin' be lickin' tn poor, benight-
cd haythens that we've got to lift up, an
others like him II go along afther him an
whin tn Dimmycratic con-vintion meets
Aguinaldo O'Brien an Perforated Don Car
los Cassidy II be contistn' which II cast tn
vote iv tn imperyal state iv Ph'lippeens f'r
Wiliumv j. Bryan, tn boy orator iv tn
Plate.
"That's what III happen, Hinnssy. TITS
not tn la-ads tn governmint II sind out,
but tn la-ads that 60 out on their own hook,
an have to fight to eat. Be hivns, Hinnissy,
they'll be great doins down ther whin wan
if thin opprissed an tortured people that
f'r hundreds iv years have been undher tn
ir'n heel iv tn tyrant gets gay with la-ad
that's r-run Bohemyn prim'ry in this coun-
thry. Twill be like tn foolish German man
that escaped frim Jail be jumpn' frim th'
roof onto a picket fence. We're great
civilizin' agent, Hinnissy, an as Father
Kelly says, SOS tn steam roller An bein'
quite man, I'd rather be behind thin in
fr-ront whn tn sthreet has to be i'm
proved"
| "'Twill cost power iv money" said Mr..
Hennessy, the prudent.
| "Expand, ixpind," said Mr.. Dooley.
''That's joke an med it. ."-Copyrighted,
1885, by the Chicago journal.
| >>
| Charles j. Bower of Kansas City, assessor
of jackson county, Mo-, is in this city,