davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
HUMOROUS

Passenger-"Is this ticket good to
stop Off" Conductor-'Yes'm; but it
won't be good to git on again."-N. Y.
Weekly.
The bed of this river is perfectly
dry, isn't it," "Of course; you see, it's
so hot it can't bear ever a sheet of
water."-Ricbmond Dispatch.
Junior-"So you didn't propose to
her, after ALP" Weed-"No, and I'm
rot going to. When l got to her house
l found her chasing a mouse with a
broom."-Boston Traveller.
There is one trouble with our VIC
tories" remarked the Spanish general,
as he oiled his typewriter. And what
do they lack?" asked his aid. "Dura-
bility."-Town Topics.
The Lady in the Sunbonnet-"Oh, I
guess you think whatever you say
goes!" The Lady in the Curl-Papers-
If you hear it, it does; it goes all over
the neighborhood." - Indianapolis
Journal.
No Brains at All.-"Belle is disguised
with that young man at the seashore."
What about him." "She says he is
crazy; there are Is pretty girls there,
and he goes around raving about the
lovely sunsets" Chicago Record.
Arduous Labor.-"Gee! but I'm
tired" said the dry goods clerk. Had
a busy day?" asked the motorman.
There hasn't been much trade, but
l have been hard at work all day cut
ting up remnants for our bargain sale
to-morrow."-Indianapolis Journal.
Mrs. Newsy-"John, dear, what are
the Spanish tours that are always fs-
ing and declining" Mr.. Newsy-"Why,
the Philippines, the Antilles, the Caro-
line islands and the Canaries." Mrs.
Newsy-"Dear me, how stupid 1 am, to
be sure!"-Truth.
EX-Servant-"My husbands been
beatin' M again, Miss Mary, and I'd
20 minds to have him arrested" Miss
Mary-"Why didn't you?" Ex-Servant
We'll, l was thinkin', too, with me so
lame and him not workin', how'd 1 eve
get the money to pay the fine!"-Life.
Journalistic Amenities.-"Our wart
of a contemporary" the current issue
of tie Jazeville Gazette says, claims,
as far as the war is concerned, to have
the earliest intelligence. That is the
kind of intelligence they always had
at that office. It is more than early;
1t is primitive ."-Cincinnati Enquirer.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
RUBBER WARSHIPS
Some Points in Which They Have
Great Advantages Over yes-
sells of Iron.

An Ohio man has come to the from
with a singular request. He wants
Uncle Sam to build his warships OF
rubber. The Ohio man thinks it would
be a good thing. and there are reasons
for believing hat his sanguine views
have some substantial backing. Sup.
pose the new battleship Caoutchouc,
for instance, stunbles on the enemy
in midocean-or in midsummer. The
~dastardly foe at once opens fire on her
at short range. The first shot misses
her. The second strikes her squarely
amidships and. bounding back, carries
away the dastardly enemy's high
smokestack, his cooks galley and all
the captains official bric-a-brac. If
there is a third shot it may not strike
the Caoutchouc so squarely. If it
takes a glancing blow it is likely to
fly into the air to such a tremendous
height hat when it returns its mo-
mentum will be sufficient to carry it
down the enemy's open hatchway and
straight through his copper sheathed
bilge cellar. If he survives these set
backs-Or bound backs-he may fool
ishly attempt to ram our rubber pride
of the seas. What will be the con-
sequence? The more forcible the blow
the more shocking the rebound. 4
16-knot collision of this character
would undoubtedly fling the enemy
back with such force that it would
be quite characteristic of him to
land-if there can be any landing in
mid-ocean-wrOng side up. a position
which may be classed among the most
embarrassing of marine situations.
And all this without a shot being fired
by the defenders of our flag.
Then take the ease of the elastic
plated ram Rubberneck. An ingen-
iOus continuance could enable her to
suddenly stretch out her ramming de-
partment and strike the enemy a solar
pleNus when he least expected it. And
the very impact of her blow would at
once cause her TO rebound to a point
of perfect safety.
Then think Of the extra number Of
troops the rubber warship could carry
by a little jslicious stretching. If she
struck a rock she would simply bound
away. If she grounded herself all that
would be necessary would be to loosen
a few of the internal joints and girders
that hold her elastic sides apart. when
she would at once partially collapse
herself free.
Oh. that Ohio man isn't such a wild
eyed dreamer as certain envious east
ern editors profess to believe him. A
rubber warship is something more
tangible than a mere stretch of imag-
Northumberland Plain Dealer.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
A TALK WITH THE HUSBAND.
He should Remember the Claims Of
His Wife Upon His Kindness
and Confederation.

II am tired AZ the close of the dav
It's true, but always try to remember
that my wife may be as tired as my
SELF? Oh, if all husbands would not
only think OF this, but act upon it, how
many weary women would smile. and
feel hall their burdens drop at once
from their shoulders! 1t is such a lit
tie thing TO recognize this fact bv a
word, a look. if no more. Because A
man is tired he need not be indif-
ferent or cross. But. alas, when he
comes home, and finds everything pre-
pared for his comfort. he too often ac-
cepts 1t as his due, as a matter of
course, and never thinks of the worry
ing detail which has occupied so much
time in bringing it about. He never
thinks how ineNpressiblv tired" his
wife is of it all, though she may be too
much of a roman to shirk it: or what
despair seizes her SOU when. after hav-
ing eaten and drank all he is CAPABLE
of, satisfied snores from the corner
OF the sofa announce the usual pro-
gramme until bedtime; or. lacking
this. a total silence and absence of
mind, which is just as discouraging as
to results. Sunday. too-then. at least.
when there is, or should be, no "busi-
ness when d husband should do his
part towards making that day social
and bright, how often does he retire to
his room, that ne may spend his time
reading and smoking alone; appearing
TO his family only Il feed, after that
going to sleep.
No wonder the wives of such men
get discouraged. No wonder they saw:
as they often do: What is life worth
if my husband only values me as a
housekecper. and. worse still. one with
out n salary - when, after all nv
unrecogniZed services. | have TIC
modification of asking every time
/ need money. as if were beg
gar. soliciting charity?" "Tired?"
Does he not talk with animation
enough if a friend drops in? Now
gentlemen, if You could hear womer
talk together YOU would know this IL
no fancy picture; and we maintain this
is wholly wrong on your part. If you
Won't 90 out with your wives to seeH
agreeable company or relaxation. you
are certainly bound to be social and
agreeable at ~home-bOund by YOUR
marriage prOmises-bound by your
wife's performing her duty with re-
gard to your food and other comforts
bound by yOur little children. who
see their mothers sad, face. and
invOluntarily catch her trick of sigh
ing. BE but half as agreeable at home
as you take pains to be abroad. and
You will find it rs good a little business
investment as ever you made.-N. Y
Ledger.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
COST OF ELEPHANTS.
Sismese Malay States as
Beasts of burden.

1t is somewhat interesting to com
pare the weights carried by elephants
in the tin-producing districts of the
Malay peninsula with. those used in
the long Journeys and mountainous
country of the Lao states. In the PEN
insula the distances are seldom more
than at most three orfourdays'march
and the elephant is expected to carry
as much as 900 or 1000 pounds, besides
his mahout and howda. The latter is
often a mere brace of %panniers, slung
together so as TO rest one on each side
of the backbone, and covered some
times with n light barrel roof of bark.
\ good tusker which will carry $50
pounds will fetch about 6 sc, and a fe-
male which can bear 500 pounds is
worth about e45. In the Lao states,
where journeys Of ten days or three
weeks are frequent, the average
weight hardly exceeds 300 pounds, or
one-third of what is usual in the PEN
insula. The prices in various parts of
the country vary considerably. When
we were on the Me Having and in
Muang Nan in 1893. a good tusker could
be had for e32 and a female for e24;
at Chieng Mai, where good tuskhaul-
ing elephants are in good demand, a
tusker may fetch $50, and a female
from $50 to 100, according to her
strength and ability.
In the Siamese Malay states there
are probably 1000 domesticated ele-
plants, all told, and in the Lao coun-
try probably over $500 animals are
working at the present moment. That
these animals breed in captivity in
Siam is due to the fact that a large
number of them spend the greater
part of their time holiday making in
the jungle. When there is no work for
his beast. the mahout takes him out to
a nice, cool. green bit of forest and
leaves him there to enjoy himself.
There is no expense connected with
his upkeep, for he looks after himself.
He has 4 hobble of rattan around his
feet to dissuade him from wandering
too far, and a wooden bell round his
neck. by the tom of which the mahout
or his little boy can always find him,
when they go Out once a month to look
him up and give him some bananas
Geographical Journal.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
An Ip-tO-Dnte PRrrnf.

I'VE have a parrot in clubhouse which
is right up to date in its conversa-
ton" says n resident of Camp street.
Further than that, it is second to
none in the matter of patriotism and
Is not at all backward in giving ex-
preston to its sentiments, which are
American to the core. This intelli-
gent bird sings almost perfectly the
first verse of The Star Spangled Ban
ner.' The people in the house have
been nearly a year teaching it to sing
this patriotic song, but the result at
tanned is entirely satisfactory, as the
parrot not only r%eproduces the air
and words distinctly, but renders them
so emphatically as to leave little doubt
that its able tutors have imbued the
bird with the spirit of the air as well
as teaching it the words. The parrot
also gives vent at intervals to the ex-
preston: 'Hurrah for Cuba together
with a few remarks not entirely COM
ELEMENTARY to our opponents in the
present war."-N. o. PfcRyune.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
To Perfume Gloves.

A charming way to perfume gloves
is as follows: Procure ambergris one
drachm and a quarter of an ounce of
Orange-flower water. Mix thoroughly
and rub into the inside of the gloves
with cotton wool. Another delicious
perfume for gloves is to mix half an
once of essence of roses, Z drachm
each of oil of cloves and mace, and
a quarter of an ounce of frankincense.
Place the mixture in tissue paper be-
tween the gloves, then place a heavy
weight on them. Leave the gloves I'M
Ger the weight for a day or two un-
til they are permeated with the fra
GRANGE. This will cling to the gloves
until they are entirely worn out.
After taking off your gloves they
should be shaken and stretched out
and put where they can lie fat.-Chi.
ago Record.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
The Influence of Love.

Love is always building up. 1t puts
some line of beauty on every life it
touches. 1t gives new hope to dis
cOuraged ones, new strength TO those
who are weak, Few joys to those who
are Borrowing, thus enabling them to
go on in life's ways when without the
cheer they must have sunk down in
their DISAGREEMENT. 1t helps the
despairing to rise and start again.
1t makes life seem more worth while
to everyone into whose eyes it looks.
It's words are benedictions. Its every
breath is full o: inspiration. 1t does
good and never evil all its days. 1t is
like God. whose name is Love. 1t car
ries in its influence a perpetual reveal
ing of God. 1t goes through the world
like an angel of joy and peace, sing
ing into human hearts the song of
Heaven, scattering everywhere good
seeds which shall yield a harvest of
Observation-Disclosures Teacher
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
One Architects Pay.

The archbishop of Canterbury, when
he was bishop of London, was dissatis-
fled with certain arrangements in his
palace at Fulhanl, and called in an emf
men architect to advise as to altera-
tiOns. The architect took time to con-
slider, and when he finally brought in
his plans and estimates the figures
were so great hat the bishop relin-
1uished his project. And now" said
the bishop, Il shall be glad if you will
tell me how much I shah pay you for
your trouble in the matter" 81 thank
your lorGship," was the answer. Zone
hundred pounds" The amount was
disconcerting. why. sir" said the
bishop, many of my curates do not re-
ceive so much for a whole years serv-
ice" That may be true. my lord; but
you will remember that I happen to be
n bishop in my profession" There was
nothing more to be said, and the check
was drawn.-NewcastIe Chronicle.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
DORA'S EYES.

When Dora's eyes with teardrops fill
What beauty 'yond onpare
Does mai@cn sympathy distiil,
And pour il triumph there.
The go!d-set diamond in her hair,
Scarce seen, UNDECIDED les,
For though a gem both rich and rare,
lis naugnt to those in Dora's eyes.
II she should frown. an aching chill
BeEumbs me with despair;
If she should smile. a heavenly thrill
Runs Ger me: yet beware:
lis but the bait Of Cupid's snare,
A tender hope that lives and dies.
In varying moments she takes care,
For that's the charm of Dora's eyes.
II she coul hate, their glance might kill
If they but pleading were,
The barriers OF reasons will
Would vanish into air:
For they a lay the souls depths bare
OF proud or humble, brave or wise.
A mans well pleased II he can tear
One tender glance from Dora's eyes.
ENVOY.
An! little tyrart, it's rot fair
Poor mankind thus to t~antalize.
Then give TO me the right 20 wear
The sole reflection OF those eyes.
-London Madame.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
Raspberry lee.

For a raspberry sorbet boil to.
gether a pint of sugar and a pint of
water for ten minutes. Put two quarts
of raspberries well mashed in a pan
and pour the hot sirup over them.
Let them boil up once, then remove
from the fire and strain. Add the juice
of two lemons and freeze for eight oE
ten minutes.-Boston Budget
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
Prenare to Puncsnrci

Aide - General, an overpowering.
force of the enemy, on bikes, has at
tackled ou- left.
General-Sound the retreat! And
order the tack brigade to protect our
rear.--Truth.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13
London n Musical Town,

Il is said that in London there are
no fewer than 10000 professional mu-
sicians of various grades, and that more
than half of them are women
The Cape Girardeau Democrat. (Cape Girardeau, Mo.) 1876-1909, 1898-08-13

Ned-She says that she's connected
with all the richest families in town.
Ted-Yes; she's a telephone girl.
N. +. World,
Arizona republican., 1898-02-10
OUR FOREIGN POLICY.

Some newspapers are clamoring for "a foreign policy" for the United States. It is declared that we have no such policy, and therefore we are Iaggards and unprogressiye.
 The United States has distinct and effective foreign policy. That was demonstrated when France at tempted to foist Maximilian upon the people of Mexico. It was also demon strated when President Cleveland held back Great Britain when it pro- posed to proceed forthwith against little Venezuela.
 We have a foreign policy to the ex- tent that we do not intend to permit sions on this continent. We are not land grabbers and we are not med dlers in the affairs of others. Our foreign policy is to attend to our busi- ness and to give foreign countries warning that they must attend to their own business. That is our policy with respect to the rest of the world.
 It is no funeral of ours what the European nations are doing in China or Africa. We have nothing to say about either country, a fact that makes us stronger when we take a position on questions that are our real concern.
 Our foreign policy is of the right quality. There is no fear of any of the valuable ports of China b2ing closed to our commerce. If that thing is tried to any serious extent we will find a way to solve the problem. Our first business is to look after our home interests and to put our home in the best possible shape. We have enough to do in North America to occupy our time for many years.
Arizona republican., 1898-02-10
BOOKS, PAPERS AND WRITERS

Th1 Critic is brl-g printed from new type and otherwise improved in ap- ,saraEce.
 The title of MT. J. NJ. Darrie's forth o1ning novel, a sequel to ''Sentimentai Tommy" is called ''Celebrated Tom iy.'
 \ magazine has been started in Lon :on, the Quill-Driver, which allows au- hors to review their own works in its eciumns.
 ''Totote," Gyp's next story, is to be illustrated by 100 photographs from na- ure, representing the various incidents 1f the tale just as drawings might.
 Paris is to have a woman's paper .rkicn will be woman's paper indeed f'rom the writing Of leading articles tc iie setting up of the type, all of its Apartments are to be in the hards 1f women. Mime. Marguerite Durand has been selected as editor; Mile Jeanne Chauvin, the would-be barrister takes charge of legal questions; lady who, under the name of Daniel Lesueur had a play performed by the ComeGt Franchise, is to be responsible fol theatrical criticisms; and music fall: 10 the share of Mime. Augusta Holmes while Severine has promised 10 lend ; hand with occasional articles. All tht reporting, too, will be done by women
Arizona republican., 1898-02-10
FOR THE HOUSEKEEPER.

When making pies with a bottom crust and you wish to prevent the gravy soaking through it, brush it over well on the inside with beaten egg.
 During frosty weather windows may be cleaned with cloth moistened with methylated spirit, which will give a most brilliant polish. The same meth od may be used at all times for the cleaning of mirrors.
 To clean a stained decanter put into it dessertspoonful of small pieces of washing soda and one teaspoonful q 7iregar Shake the decanter well, but jo not put in the stopper or close it with .he hand or it may burst. You will ind that the bottle is quickly cleaned ii this way.
 To remove longcontinued ink stains from silver writing appliances take a small quantity of chloride of lime and make a paste of it with cold water This must be rubbed on the stains till they disappear, and then the silver will only need to be polished with chamois at;her
Arizona republican., 1898-02-10
HOT SPRINGS OF ARIZONA

An all year resort for health and pleasure; a perfect climate and a nat ural hot springs of great medicinal and curative powers: an open air swimming pool in beautiful rocky
 gorge. Abundant private baths in
 porcelain lined tubs. Hot douches, needle spray and shower baths. Water
 is piped 1,200 yards to hotel and bath
 house and a natural heat of Ill de grees Fahrenheit is retained. A comfortable and attractive house of twenty-five rooms is now com
 pleted and running in addition tc
 which ample tent room with boarded floors and sides is furnished for those who prefer open air accommodations ! Wood fires in every room and tent anG | wood is provided free of charge. Resi- dent physician. Rates from $3 to & l day.
 A table and accommodations fol
 miners is provided at a special rate of $2 a day, everything included. Nc | extras. Round trip tickets via Hot Spring:
 Junction, including stage fare, are solo 1 at all stations on railroads. Ample
 arrangements have been perfected al
 Hot Springs Junction for food and lodging and a daily stage runs to the springs.
 For all information address Castle ! Creek Hot Springs and Improvement
 Company, Hot Springs, A. T.
Arizona republican., 1898-02-10

As announced exclusively by The Republican yesterday morning the Apache chiefs on the San Carlos reser- vation have consented to the extension of the Gila Valley, Globe and North ern railway across their domain. This is concession that has long been awaited by the railroad company and means that the fourishing mining town of Globe will shortly be con- nected with the outside world by rail. It is more than four years ago that President Cleveland stopped all pro- gross in this direction by forbidding the railroad to cross the reservation without the consent of the Indians; this has not been forthcoming until HOW, as these precious wards of the government were disposed to play a t'hold up" game and demand a fabu- lous sum for the privilege asked. At the conference on Tuesday all differ ences were adjusted and the road will be built. It will appear to students o1 political economy that there is some thing wrong when savages are per. mitted to block progress and civiliza. tion as they have in this case. Al any rate the citizens of Globe are tc be congratulated
Arizona republican., 1898-02-10
PHOENIX STREETS.

'I have friend who brides himself upon having a mind capable of grasp ing and untwisting the most difficult mathematical problem of the day" said a hotel lounger. ''He is a genius in more ways than one, but l have felt sorry for him since last night He ran up against an old man with long whiskers from Ohio, and he en- gagged the man from the state of White House employees in half hours conversation When he left the hir- sute Ohioan he looked worried, and he has been getting worse every hour. The old man gave him a problem which has been the death of much cerebral tissue. It was this: How many boards eleven feet long would it take to build a fence four boards high which shall enclose as many acres of land as there are boards in the fence?"
 A newcomer was standing in front of the harmless collection of roosters and hens at the Mesa fruit store on Washington street. He was inter- ested in the passing carriages on the street, and was using the cage as a leaning place. But the roosters of the valley are chivalrous cock, full of ginger and as quick to feel insult as a Kentucky colonel. They resent ed the ill-manners of the youth in standing with his back turned to the hens, and barring out the sunshine of a beautiful day from the jolly crowd within the cage. There were three roosters, all with strong lungs. The sign was given, they shuff1ed the wrinkles out of their necks all at the same time, raised their heads into the air, and from three throats came the proud acclaim: Cook-oo doo- dle- do-o-o-o! The young man? We'll, he was sick when he came, but he is in the hospital now
 Did you ever have the la grippe? No? Strange how unfortunate some men are. I have had it for a week and if I have it another week I will drug store yesterday and I heard the telephone bell ring near my head. turned and there was the telephone, but the clerk paid no attention to the ring. It began again and rang for a long time. It bothered me and I asked the clerk why he did not answer it. He said he didn't hear the bell, and it was ringing at the time he spoke. began to think I had them. Just then the bell ceased ringing and a steam boat whistle sounded in my other ear. When that ceased, the steamboat it. self began to crawl up my spinal col umn. And you never had the grip? Well, you are one of the men we don't read about these days"