Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-12-04

A woman is not the only thing that can
run away with a man. When bicycle
or n typewriter gets its back up you may
look out for trouble. The pesky things
start out all right, and are as amiabie ana
gentle as turtle doves, but before you
know it they get to kicking up their hind
legs and raising the mischief generally
we bought typewriter down at our or
fee recently, and when / saw how the
thing operated 1t struck me as BENG
about the softest snap 1 ever ran across.
The only defect in the whole machihe
was the absent-winded way in which its
inventor mixed up the alphabet on the
keyboard. You had to pick out the let
ers like they were sheep-burrs in your
hair. Still. one gets used to this in course
of time. and can play on the cliekety-
click apparatus as IL 1t were piano.
We haven't gotten a typewriter girl yet'
but the machine amuses US for the pres
ent and gives US plenty to Go. Recently
it occurred to me that It would be mover
idea to hammer out a note to the COM
mander-in- Chief, but now I'm sorry ola
It. Here is a fac-simile Of the note. me
curious things you see are not typographi-
cal errors; they're my tricks:
RIchjMoND?vA.
my DeXAR wifEO
I 1villnot BE at homE todinXner To-Day.
we ARE very busy. THE new type
WRITER enGAGes ALL ofour attentiooN.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxsHe Is a Daisy and Can
XxxxxGO Most any gait. AS YET hex
Spelling is shakY xxXyxxbut She meanz
we'll. SAVE SOME Of That Pie a. cab
BagE for Ny supEr. Don't Let any vi
The children Comb Fostering FOUND az
teri me ThiZ evening.
your LOVING HUSBAND?
After 1 had perused this note con-
Guided 1t wasn't exactly as artistic as
had intended it to be, but still 1t was
palmer than my manuscript, and left no
doubt as to my intentions. 1 knew the
Commander-in-Chief would thank me for
my consideration in notifying her not TO
keep dinner waiting, and moreover, l sus-
pected she would pride herself on my YER
satility in mastering a machine whioh
has hitherto puzzled her greatly
That afternoon 1 took a snack at a
bar-room, which conceals it's wicked in
tentions by calling itself a restaurant,
and though there was an extra charge
for every movement Of my jaw, l Or
dered a substantial meal 1t really cost
me more than three Sunday dinners for
our whole family but the Worcestershire
sauce alone was worth the tax imposed.
In fact. to be entirely frank, and to keep
no skeletons in my closet 1 made quite
q lark of that day, and cracked my old
heels together in joyous spirit OF eX-
uberance. When I got back to the office
and settled down to the comforting pro-
cess Of digestion, felt that l had swal-
lowed a small Arcadia, seasoned with
Iyonnaise dressing. In fact, felt good
all over.
Suddenly. while was engaged in pour
Ing tobacco smoke into my system. !
heard an ominous knock at the door, IL
sounded like the rap of woman who
eoeth forth to consult a lawyer about
getting q divorce from her husband
knew something interesting was to fol-
low
come right in," I cheerfully chirped.
And in she came-the Commander-in-
Chief-With flashing eyes ana hOa'
shifting the Celestial ether. Her very
petticoats rustled ominously, and there
was fire and birthstone in her eye.
William" she said-just plain, simple
'William"-with q clearness OF pronun-
citation and an emphasis calculated TO
give all the Williamses on earth the
shiyers. william, you've been drinking
again. I've come down here to take you
home Get ready; you've got to go. III
settle with you when we get there"
And all the while her Uranium was
moving around like the revolving head ]