The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1898-01-04
BOB N H BIKE.

BOB AND THE BIKE.
Robert Burdette, the famous humor
ist, in a letter to the Burlington "Hawk-
eye" denies the report that he is dead,
in the following letter dated at Bryn
Mawr. The story is told in his own
peculiar style, and proves that the
humorist is very much alive, although
somewhat worsted by his experience
with the bike:
My Dear Waite:-Like the true
friend and loyal comrade you ever
were, you do right to protest against
my burial prior to autopsy.
am indeed very much alive. Not
only 80, I haven't been dead even a lit
tie bit. Not once. Could have been
had I wanted to be. Could be yet, but
I don't want. Maybe I ought to be,
even now. But, as VI make weekly
confessions, I'VE have left undone
those things which we ought to have
DONE"
Possibly the rumor that ! have gone
dead grew out of the fact that ] have
learned to ride a bicycle. Isay shave
learned" not ''am learning" Learned
in one lesson, ali by myself. Went
out in the moonlight last Friday night
to learn, having first locked my family
in the house and forbade them to look
out of the windows. Led my bicycle
out on the turnpike-the Bryn Mawr
pixies are broader than the way to de
struction, twice % smooth, and much
cleaner. It's a young bicycle-a colt
foaled in '97. Would give the name
but for the fact that I had to pay for
the wheel. Will only say, therefore,
in accordance with the ethics of our
profession, that it is not the wheel any
body says it is.
l held him by the Writer'S right in
the middle of the road, and mounted
without assistance.
I dismounted in the same independ-
ent manner.
Got on again and proceeded to break
him to saddle.
Did I ride the first time7
Well, sayI
People had told me-liars of all ages
and both sexes-that I couldn't fall if,
when I felt that I was falling, I would
stick out my foot.
I stuck out both feet and both hands
and fell on my-head.
I fell on one side of that diaboIical
wheel and then on the other; I fell on
both sides at once; I fell on top of it
and underneath it, AID made dog
falls" with it. I fell between the
wheels; I fell behind the wheel and be
fore the front wheel at the same time,
and don't know yet how I did it. / fell
and thrust both legs through the
spokes of one wheel. / met a terrified
man in buggy, and drove him clear of
the pike through Wheeler's hedge, and
/ don't think he has come back yet.
Every time I fell I slapped the palms
Of my raw, swollen, throbbing hands
on the hard, ''~inelastic" pike, except
VIC U4WO i 4C44 OA WJ 0CA0S \ 4CAA
harder and with greater variety Of
landing than any man could fall, IN.
less he dropped out OF a balloon and lit
in a load of furniture. ! lost my CON,
fdence, my patience, my temper, my
clamps, lamp, bell and reputation. I
broke one pedal, tie saddle and the
ordinance against loud, b~oisterous and
abusive language at night. ran into
everything in sight except the middle
of the road. I sat down On everything
in the township except the saddle. !
scorched in a circuit not fifteen feet in
circumference until you could smell
birthstone. I made more revolutions
than a South AmeriC an republic, and
didn't get ten feet away from where I
started. I haven't been so mauled and
abraded, so thumped and beaten, so
trampled upon and pounded, 80 bruised
and scratched since I left the army.
But / can ride. I don't say that do"
but can"