Republican news item. [volume] (Laport, Pa.) 1896-19??, 1898-05-05
HUMOROUS.

Gladys-Do you think Charley
means business? May-I can't tell
yet; but I'm afraid he only means
poetry.
Hooplar-Do you know ANYTHING
about the origin of the American Tn.
dian? Highlow-No; I've never taken
any interest in race tracks.
Reporter = Madam Gostwok. the
splritualist, does an enormous busi-
ness. Publisher - That's because
she's such good advertising medi-
| um.
She-It's funny, but all the time
I've known Mr.. Tigg he has never
paid me compliment. He-That's
not strange. Tigg never pays any
body.
She-I don't like the preachers who
read their sermons from manuscript.
He-I do. If man writes his SER
mons he is more likely to realize their
length.
She-l know I am not the first girl
you ever loved. He-Well-er-at
least you are the first girl I ever
bought more than $17 worth of pres.
ents for.
All these schemes for taxing bach
elors with view to driving them into
matrimony are wrong. More men get
married now than wives can comfort
ably support.
Farmer say, John, what do YOU
call pineapple-a fruit or vegeta-
BILE? Waiter-A pineapple amt nei-
ther, gentlemen. A pineapple is al
ways hextra
'I'm something of mind reader"
he said, as they sat on opposite sides
of the room 81 think not" she re-
piled, as her eyes ostentatiouslym meas
ured the distance between them.
'There Didn't tell you Wednes-
day was my lucky day?' SIN what
way has fortune favored you?"
why, there goes Cholly Softly, and
he has passed us without seeing u.s.
Jasper What do you think will be
the last conflict before the millennium
comes? Jumpuppe-It will be the
one in which the contest is csttled
what daily paper has the largest cir
culation
''Is it not fact that enlightened
laws have had the effect of increasing
the span of life?" Hardly. OF
course, murderers live longer, but,
on the other hand, there are the mur.
dered, you see.
"My grandfather, said the shoe
clerk boarder, ''once knew an old man
who insisted that the ghosts came and
milked his cows every night" ''Sort
Of milkin' specters, eh?" commented
the Cheerful Idiot
Adelbert-I cawn't say that I'm
feeling nachuwal this evening; T got
a beashly cold in my head, dontyer.
know? Geraldine-Never mind, Addy.
Don't grumble. Even if it's only
cold, it's something.
Miss Thirtysmith (meaningly)-An
italian proverb says that "honest men
marry soon" and Jack Swift (sol-
emnly) I cannot conceal it any long
er; live in deadly fear of being at
any moment arrested for embezzle-
ment
She Our minister will exchange
pulpits next Sunday with the Rev. Mr..
He-Yes? An exchange
Of pulpits seems to me great deal
like horse trade. 1t is hard to tell
which congregation is goingto get the
worst of it.
Outshone-''We've got a man in our
town." said the passenger with the
red clay on his boots, "who has voted
at seventeen presidential elections.
'Ho!" was the scornful reply of the
passenger with the faded red muller.
We've got man our town that's
read all the messages.
"Miss Wigglesworth thinks she's
eligible to the Order of the Crown.
She's sure she can trace her lineage
back to one of the English sover-
eigns. "How far has she got?"
''She told me yesterday she had
struck bar sinster.' ''That's right.
Her grandfather was bar