The times., 1898-05-08
Lansburgh & Bro,
42O, 422, 424 426 Seventh ST.
WHEN WAR WILL cEAsEP
Not Until Men Are Perfect and Span
iayds Are All Dend

iaJ ds Are All Dead.
This question in this town is discussed
at present by a number Of empty noodles.
Their talk annoys the good and the wise
including ourselves, so we shall settle the
discussion for them.
The business of killing snakes viii stop
when there are no more snakes, and war
will stop when there are no more grave
questions TO fight about.
You might as well ask. When will the
steam drill stop work in Harlem?" 1t
will stop when Harlem is all graded.
The earth stin contains bad men who
insist on doing bad things-Spaniards are
/ especially bad. They murder and starve
women and even make fun OF US.
So we have 10 Kill them and bankrupt
! them; dispOssess their reigning family
and otherwise treat them as an honest
rat destroyer treats rats.
The way 10 discourage vice is 10 make
il expensive. and the way TO discourage
national wickedness is 10 make It fatal.
Providence sets great store on fighting.
The entire earth is regulated on a basis
OF murder and destruction.
Out IN the orchards sweet singing birds
are put 10 Kill the grubs. and on the high
/ seas americans with lofty souls are sent
10 Kill the Spaniards.
/ To stop war would be TO stop progress.
Anybody who thinks war has been a
harmful thing is an idiot and his mouth
/ ings are pitiful.
When Rome became rotten she needed
wlping out. Down came the barbarians
and did the business-through war and
as a consequence we have civilized Eu-
rope today.
The Normsns taught the old English
10 stop painting their bodies blue and 20
marry Ike hristians-through war-and
we have the English nation as a result
You never could have persuaded or
coaxed the early Briton to give up blue
paint and come out Of his swamp to wear
a silk hat and a high collar. You had 10
beat him into doing that
out West the Indian chops kindling
wood with his tomahawk and never ap-
pears in public without pants" How
did We teach him those graces? Through
WAR.
The French nation might be at this
/ moment ruled by the miserable worn out,
half Spanish, half greasy Napoleonic
! blood. But foolish Napoleon got into
WAR France is a republic, and her
/ concierge. cocher and ouvreuse are more
4 powerful today than the noble Of yes
terday.
(. War is an international surgical opera
]
4 ly; IL is often too long postponed.
The war Of conquest is pretty well out
I Of date, except as applied to savage
/ tribes and such nations as the Chinese.
! We Americans are too good for such
wars. and our souls are Mortified at them.
But deep down in the bottom Of our
lofty minds We know that they are use
I fuI. 1t is good for the future Of the race
10 have Englshmen or Belgians or Ger
mans building telegraph wires in China
or replacing with railroad tracks ele-
I phant tracks in Africa
For many years 10 come sweet peace
/ men. you must be reconciled TO this state
! Of affairs.
Little boys win be spanked
4 Lttle girls viii be put TO bed without
supper
Cockroaches VIII have powder sDrinJyle1
on them.
spaniards and bad men generally will
4 be brought 10 their senses via WAR.
Some fine day we shall all be perfect
Then little BOYS and little girls Will Dc
born good. cockroach ches will be as extinct
az the buffalo and war viii be unknown
Just when that time Will come we arc
. unprepared 70 say.
II depends largely on how many people
buy this newspaper and take its advice
We are engaged in perfecting the world
I that, in fact. is our main business, al.
though we say little about II. We do not
expect 10 succeed for some time.
our consolation for delay is that witt
perfection viii come mighty dull times
ConscenjoUsly we fight for improve
ment. But we cannot help wondering
what we shall write about when there
are no more Presidents who need our ad
vice. no more foreign fyrants for us I,
terrify. no more strange mysteries in tn
Last River no more fasting ladies o
bad actors no more bosses TO be beaten
no more crauks 20 suppress.
When that day comes We suppose tha
We shall print In large type on our from
page the word perfect" underneath II
smaller type the words thanks to III
Evening Journal" and then retire from
business with about sixty million clrcula
tioE.-New York Journal.