The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1898-02-27
COLLEGE DINNER BORES.
n CRY FOR DEEITBRANcB FROM
HUMAN Gas WELLS
TIE Fieed or OratorJ Poured Upen n Long
sutRsrinG Pebble ut Public Banaucts-BiE
and Little College ibrers-Msasur OF
ei~r-Derence-A Ttms Limit suEEcsted.

Nino OF these days, shlu INC man Win IN
Scotch and soda in front OF him, there is goinl
to be a revolt Of that long suffering publit
which attends public banquets only to have It
ears assailcd by Unreasonable lengths OF afte
dinner oratory."
"If there is any reliance to be placed in indl
cations" said the man opposite. after consider
ing the matter through tho medium OF yer
mouth cocktail, ''tho storm will break soon, ant
some Of our highly esteemed post-prandial whole
sale word manufacturers will be In the midst
Of the deluEe. l observe a growing spirit OF rest
loSsness and discomfort"
II live in hopes OF seeing the day." put in q
third occupant Of the table. setting down his
beer stein, when some professional and intol
cradle bore, spouting away on the second hour
of a speech which nobody wants to hoar, will. be
treated to some such surprise as was that emi'
nent divine who. two years ago. dragged a large
ana uncnthusiastic audience at a big missionary
meeting from Maine to tho Golden Cato and
from the Gulf to Lake Superior. only to DO held
up finally in Utah and applauded to a stand.
still. so that he had to leave the stage with
the Mormon State only half converted"
II drink to that audience" said tho FIRST
speaker, raising his glass. III such moral cour-
age were more common. life would be sweeter
and less verbose
There is no obligation upon q man to go to
those functions,' su ygested an elderly man,
who was making a study Of the chemical changes
in a gin nzz.
mo legal Obligation admitted tho beer
drinker, but I'll venture to say that all of us 20
to them"
Were all college men here" said the first
man. "or we wouldn't be at this club. Most
college men naturally go to the alumni dinners.
It's loyalty at first and then 1t becomes habit. 4"
And the alumni dinners are the worst of
ALL" remarked the elderly man. Under tho
guisc of a gathering for tho promotion of good
fellowship and the strengthening Of old ties OF
compelled to endure With what fo opt I thew
may the most excruciating boredom known TO
modern civilization. n competition in verbosity
on the part OF a dozen or moro human gas wells
upon subjects that could not by any possibility
be OF the slightest interest"
And tho worst of Ii is said tho man with
the beer stein, that the torturers are your
friends or acqnaintances. That marks the
maximum OF suffering"
collectively we ought to know all about it,"
SAD the yermouth drinker. as he twirled bis
ly representative gathering of college men, as
we represent two large colleges and two small
ones. As an ex,professor in my own college
alumni, which is usually responsible for the
speakers. I can subscribe heartily to the senti.
these dinners; otherwise the air would be full
OF empty bottles progressing toward tho speak
Hence, also, the Interpretations Of laughter
and applause in the newspaper reports" re-
marked the man with the gin 1ZZ.
The fact that the alumni are well fed be.
fore the speakers begin undoubtedly saves
many !TvE, lives" remarked the ex.professor.
20 and printed oil the private
and-soda drinker chucllinG. Il went to a din.
ner once where one of the listeners having been
e ei'f tSe SO spe a a 4 Mi,h IN mh hls Pl rssa agd in ate 4 1sE
T We len, sIa rsmar Ks Mr. Chairman he said.
telling ma all he doesn't lnnpv In lYa ,tp,,ta
by the clock In going to send for a gun. and
the next number viii be an elegy."
1t did, indeed There were 400 alumni at
you conid hear for ten blocks
nh LoS college h.s is a big am influential one" re
best of it as compared with a small college. BY
virtue, OF the prestige of your college name you
S who a ars Ss E Eesr t0s ssppose e 1 to- ba worth Of bpi5iF sten.
ing t. even If what they say is intrinsically
which itusnally is" rejoined the other.
Those arc the very ones who consider them
selves licensed TO talk out the hour glass.
have the well-known orators of the day appear.
Moreover. there are ono or two who invariably
to amuse you. But tia take ~ our p" College dinner sry
At our little gatherings we usually haven't any
s ssp'5 on ei, tSGke do;n and H. the speakers we have in
ing at their speech as If it were a lecture in met
~ Foi6 shiiu NuiNc vanity IL ITGltEdnlc 10 !
that" said the elderly man. i've figured in |
my, college year book for thirty-fve years now !
one was almost too much for me. BY midnight
they. had reached the point where one of the
had a crib catalogue somewher about him"
and was trying to tell a eomnolent gathering
what It's alma mater had done for the world.
l lett ana counted eighteen others sitting out at |
the same time,
You must be getting along to the place
gested the cx- professor.
oh. I've had my chance and it was one of
the worst experiences yet" was the reply.
Either six or seven men, I've forgotten which.
were on tho list before me-, so you can Imagine
the condition and temper OF the unfortunstos
about. 11:l5 with two more speakers to follow
me. had a brilliant Grafton rcady--that was
some years ago-but when ] looked down at
those worn and saddened. yet patient. faces,
the humane instincts rose dominant in my soul.
then ! sat down. My Grafton was mover de-
"Heroism." remarked the man with the YER.
mouth. speaking in q tone OF oracular admira-
5 dnh' w us not Always recognized Gn 1d11feSd as suoh in this
ciated your noble action. =
AZ first they We're too dazed to express any
around and shook hands with me. The two
following speakers took but five minutes each,
WHICH regarded as the result Of my action"
Quite llkely,' said the eX-professor. 1--WE
been to a number OF the banquets OF the smaller
COLLEGES and as a rule there Is moro general good
gatherings Of the big universities. But the
tedious speeches blight that feeling"
Yet I've heard long speeches that weren't
tedious" said the man with the Scotch and
soda. our alumni dinner this year there
was a subject OF absorbing interest to the col
The irresponsible mouthpicce OF a ~fanatical or
ganization, and, every speech bore upon that
with considerable length. Yet: such was the
spirit that tho dinner was the most inspiring
and exhiiarating affair OF the kind that | have
over attended,"
But we can't all OF us have useful enemies"
said The ex;professor. And ! think you'll al
that lasts more than twelve minutes would have
been e twice as effective compressed into ten"
Ihcre was n general expression of assent.
but how are you going TO do itf' said the
elderly man. "A time limit seems to be gen.
orally regarded as u mark to jump over, as tho
Is to the pole %vaultCr.'
Not always corrected the alumnus, with
the stein. IF every one had the spirit of an
acquaintance. OF mine who presided at a com.
Inencement dinner n few years ago there would
be fewer siI.s OF that sort. II had been definite.
" agreed and announced that no speech should
over ten minutes. Every speaker talked
with his watch in his hand. until it came the
tHEm OF a person with IA poem. His poem was
!ory remarks which consumed eight minutes.
Perfunctory applause marked the Conclusion OF
his efforts, and he SAT down With "A cn,ila ,,,hioL