The Van Buren press., 1898-08-27

men to look at me They spoke to me,
but I did not want to talk. l think
fell asleep. I found myself in my
rooms in Charlotte street next morn
ing, and my landiady gave me notice
| because, she said, l had come home
beastly drunk. Then that advertise
ment flashed into my mind about the
bracing air. l said:
81 should have given You notice in
any case: this is not a suitable place
for a gentleman"
June al am rather sorry that l
wrote down the above. 1t seems so
degrading. However, it was merely an
act of ignorance and carelessness on
my part; and, besides, | am writing
solely fer myself. To myself | may
own freely that made a mistake. that
I was not used TO the wine. and that
I had not fully gauged what the effects
would be. The incident is disgusting,
but l simply put it behind me and
think no more about it. | pay here
two pounds ten billings a week for my
two rooms and board. I take my
meals, of course, by myself in the sit
ting-room. 1t would be rather cheap
er if | took them with the family. but
| do not care about that. After all,
what is two pounds ten shillings a
week? Roughly speaking, hundred
and thirty pouals a year.
June IL have made no entry n
| f., -, IsIr- n
! period have had no heart for that or
| for anything else. | had told the peo-
pie here that l was private gentle
man (which is strictly true), and that
| was engaged in literary pursuits. BY
the latter l meant to imply no more
than that I am fond OF reading, and
that it is my intention to jot down
from time TO time my sensations and
| experiences in the new life which has
burst upon me. At the same time l
have been greatly depressed. Why, l
can hardly explain. have been fu-
rious with myself. Sitting in my own
sitting-room. with gold-tipped cigar
ette between my fingers, | have been
possessed (even though l recognized
it as an absurdity) by feeling that if
Mr.. Toller were 10 come in suddenly |
! should get up ami apologize. But the
/ thing which depressed me most was
the open country. l have read, Of
course. those penny stories about the
poor little ragged boys who never see
the green leaf in their lives. and | al
ways thought them exaggerated. So
they are exaggerated; there are the
Embankmenf gardens with the Press
band playing; there are parks; there
are Sunday school treats. All these
little ragged boys see the green leaf,
and to say they do not is an exaggera-
toni am afraid willful exaggera
tion. But to see the open country is
quite different thing. Yesterday was
fine day, and ] was out all day in a
place called Wensley Dale. On one
spot where l stood Leould see for miles
all around. There was not a single
house, -or tree. or human being in
sight. There was just myself on the
top of a moor; the bigness of it gave
me a regular scare. | suppose | had
got used to walls; had got used to
feeling that il / went straight ahead
without stopping l should knock
against something. That somehow
made me feel safe. Out on that great
moor-just as if | were the last man
left alive in the world do not feel
safe. l find the track and get home
again, and | tremble like a half
drowned kitten until | see a wall
again, or somebody with a surly face
who does not answer civilly when
speak to him. All these feelings will
wear off, no doubt, and | shall be able
to enter upon the new phase of my
existence without any discomfort.
But l was quite right to take few
months quiet retirement. One must
get used to things gradually. 1t was
the same with the champagne-to
which, by the way, had not meant to
allude any further.
June 20.-It is remarkable what
fascination these very large moors
more-indeed, it must be the reverse.
do not care to be anywhere else. In
stead of making this a mere pause be-
tween two different existences, | shall
continue it. To that have quite made
mp my mind. When | am out there in
a place where l cannot see any trees,
OF houses, or living things, 1 am the
last person left alive in the world. l
am kind of god. There is nobody
to think anything at all about me, and
it does not matter if my clothes are
not right or if | drop an ''h"-which l
rarely do except when speaking very
quickly. never knew what real indie
pendence was before. There have been
too many houses around. and too
many people looking on. 1t seems to
me now such common and despicable
thing to live among people and to have
ones character and ones ways al
tered by what they are going to think.
know now that when ordered that
bottle of champagne did it far more
TO please the waiter and to make him
think we'll of me than to please myself.
/ pity the kind of creature that | was
then. but l had not known the open
country at that time. It is a grand
education. If Toller were to come in
now l should say; GO away. Go back
to your bricks and mortar, and ac-
count books, and swell friends, and
white waistcoats, and rubbish of that
kind. You cannot possibly understand
me, and your presence irritates me.
If you do not go at once | will have the
dog let loose upon YOU BY the way,
that was a curious thing which hap
] ,spad tho ofbar duV I foad the dog