Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1898-07-02
An Argumentative Ebert.

The editor Of the Pohick Clarion pushed
the door open and called to the boy who
was feeding the press:
Lem" he said, you can stop running
off the edition and let the rest of the sub
scribers wait an hour or two. / want YOU
here" -'ph'
The noise Of the press ceased, and the
boy came rather slowly into the room
I've been invited to make a speach on
the annexation question tonight said the
editor. Some of the people around here
are kicking because of the attitude of our
congressman on the subject, and he has
just written me that If L wanted any help
from him. I'd better get into line and do
something to keep folks good-natured"
Haven't We been writin' editorials
enough to satisfy him."
We've done our best, Lem But he
wants to get 'em all together in a hall We
can't give away iced drinks and ham sand
witches and other soothing and convincing
commodities in an editorial I've got my
speech started, and l want you to listen
and let me know where the applause is
likely to come in. SO L can sort of pause
and wait for it
The boy gave look at the clock, and
pushing off a lot of manuscript sat down
on the editorial table.
Friends and fellow citizens" began the
orator: We are gathered here this evening
to discuss one of the most important SUBJ
nexation Of islands in the Pacific ocean"
He paused for recognition from the audi
ence, but Lem was engaged in seeing how
close to each other he could swing his feet
without hitting them.
Most people," he proceeded, "have an
erroneous idea about islands. They think
they are nothing but spots of dirt sur
rounded by water Let us pause before We
undertake a tremendous and unwieldy re-
sponsibility. Islands, my fellow citizens.
are not independent geographical quanti-
ties. At a first glance, ii might seem that
nature in her wisdom had stuck them fast
to the bottom of the ocean, so that they
would not wobble. But the truth is that
they are merely projecting pieces of the
ocean bed which did not happen to be
planed off before the water was turned on.
And, therefore, my friends, IL We take pos
session of these lands we inferentially take
possession of the entire bottom of the Pa
cihc. They are too intimately connected to
be severed without damaging the earth.
shall not point out to you the undesirable
ty of taking In climate where the
weather is so warm that they have to use
telegraph poles In making thermometers,
nor shall dwell on the fact that they are
fun Of extinct volcanoes. further than to
remind you that such things are among the
worst nuisances known to civilization. In
all my experience have never met any
thing harder to spell and pronounce than
the name of the average extinct volcano. l
have often expressed myself freely and
fully on these points in the columns of the
Clarion, which has done yeoman service
for the cause with it's unparalleled circula-
ton of one hundred and seyen-eighths
copies a week"
''Where do the seven-eighths come IMP
Nowhere" replied the speaker, looking
at him over the top of his glasses. That's
to make ii look like we figured close"
Lem made no reply, but putting his head
on pile OF papers. stretched out on the
table and gazed at the ceiling. The ora
tor went on: Il confine myself to the eco
nomic and scientific aspect of the case. Tell
me. oh. my fellow-citizens, what does the
American eagle want with lot of water
logged earth where nobody could live ex-
cept mermaids, and where we couldn't raise
anything but seaweed? If we must have
more territory, let it be something that you
can get close enough to to put mortgage
on it."
He paused again for applause. But Lam
was fast asleep.