Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-11-13
50 FAIR, BUT FALSE.
cur rDLER is DELuDED nv A
CoMELY YOUNG WOMAN.
ILL IS NOT FAT THAT DULGES.
.,. commandcr-in-Chl UnmasISs "A
cay Decciver-Commcnts on Abe
Lincoln and Southern People
ponic-StricLcn uridcgrooms.


,s,,rcs In the large establishment which |
,r,loys my valuable services. and took |
r,sasant walk with the good dame. who
rad been ommously amiable Yor several
tours. The truth OF the whole matter
ga, that she had a tailor-made Jacket,
,.t.eh she lad determined TO exhibit TO
ssr cnv!ous sisters. and. knowing that /
Good clothes always gravitate towards
Yrarkln street, she marched me thither.
and proceeded 70 drag me along this we'll
Known thoroughfare. where everybody
rsts on a bold front and ignores their
moor relations. At FIRST | did not feel as
lawful as a kitten, nor did like the
pes OF being utilized for her glorihcation
when there was nothing in 1t for me.
tut by and by got interested. and bore
vp with becoming fortitude.
The Commander-in-Chief switched her
t,f along with a self-satsfed air and
he'd her head high. though nothing es-
rarsd her observation, and frequently
che tptoed towards me and whispered
IN my ear various and sundry gossipy
tdlns concerning well-known people,
who. like ourselves. were airing ali their
earthly fnery, and trying 10 induce the
unsuspcious 10 believe that money was
no object 10 them.
By and by, after had fallen into the
easy. sClf-satisfied gait which character
ICES Frarklin-street pedestrians, 1 began
10 look about me with interest and be-
meath my shaggy, lemon-coiored eye
brows ! peeped out on many pretty girls
with bullying figures and rustling silk
ptt,.coats. And. while on this subject,
] shall state in passing that IL you are
woman-which the sods forbid-you
need hope 10 cut ~ figure whatsoever
90 this much-frequented street unless
your skirts are lined with silk 1t Is a
case Of put on your hustle. get up and
hustle. and keep up rustic, or you will
b. mistaken for a white nurse or eau
casian cook. But it was not so much
the rustling which attracted me as the
bllglng figures. for If there is any one
thing l do love 1t IS a rotund woman who
would make splendid quail on toast
Il she were shot for a partridge. The
OluIl altogether
like the interest / displayed In the other
members OF her sex, and two or three
times she admonished me not TO act like
an idiot, but that didn't stop me. No
wife OF mine shall ever prevent me from
risking at least one eye on a cookbook
ing gal That's what they were put here
f0r-leastwise for that purpose and to
buldoze men.
BY and by a woman with a tan suit
that seemed to have been fitted on her
by a paper-hanger founced herself in
front Of us, and went by a-rIIstling with
a swish of silk petticoats that reminded
me Of an autumn forest. Her figure was
more exquisite than those signiied by the
Roman letters on a SlOO-note. and she
carried herself with the proud gait of
Shanghai rooster that had just filled him
self up to the muzzle. | was all eyes,
and forgot there was such a creature in
the world as the Chief
that is / forgot it until l heard a voice
saying: We'll, don't twist your neck off
looking at her. At least act like a human
being"
But gosh! hasn't she got a beautiful
figure" l Involuntary exclaimed, "she
looks like fashion plate. and smells
like barber-shop, with all those per-
fumes on her."
When l used the word figure" the
Commander-in-Chief whsked her nose
skyward with the most contemptuous
snort l ever heard, and. looking at me
in a plying way, she said; "You are
Just like all the rest OF men folks. You
would all let a woman fool your heads
or. Anybody but a dull, thick headed
man could see that that girl has got on
false hips and hustle, and Is laced 10
Death. and padded around the chest, and
has blondined hair and enamelled cheeks
and"
Leave a little Of her as Nature in
tended" / begged Don't go any fur
Their. please. You'll have her walking
on kindlingwood limbs, and stuffed with
sawdust. like a doll-baby, If you keep
on. At least grant that she's alive. and
not an automaton. Don't try to con-
vince me / don't know a good-looking
gal when I see her.
"Of course, of course" snapped my
cynical consort nothing could make
you believe in her artidciality. If she
were simply a bundle of excelsior. with
hempen hair, and a hustle, and false hips,
you would go crazy over her and COM
pare her TO the Venus OF Milo. But let
some simple. sweet-looking natural, lit
'le woman come along. and you'd never
ootice her, or, if you did happen to see
her, YOU would say: There goes a Sis
ter Nancy or call her AN Immaculate
Gussie.' Men make me SO mad 1 could
dght."
after this TRADE the Commando in
Chief took upon herself the duty of en-
tightening me on the subject Of feminine
trickery, ana her treatise on the subject
Of false hips wac a revelation Of wire
work and stuffed hair to me. Indeed.
she soon convinced me that all is not
fat that bulges. and that we men have
long been the victims of certain oeiUsious,
which we fondly cherished Ii makes
me sad when / think OF it. for there is
nothing like the perfect fit OF a tailor
made over these anatomical frauds.
Sometimes when l find myself thus disil-
hroned ] almost wish ] wasn't married.
though it Is well TO know when you are
being fooled.
As we came back home the Command
et-n-Chief stopped by Broad street and
bought some false frizzes for herself. !
made no comment thereon.
Old Abe Lincoln was a mighty good
white man. and when President of the
United States. had an unique way of
Iaying all the official bones gnawed ac-
iording 10 his instructions. but for all
that / rather wish he'd staid in the
hackwoods Maybe IL he had kept in the
wilderness l would not now have TO
polish my own shoes, but would own a
smart black boy 20 90 II Yor me. When /
think how many OF us southern people
we're rich before the war l almost re-
sret that We ever had an opportunity
70 make Confederate veterans Of our
selves. have never yet seen a genteel
Virginia family who did not have wealth
IN ante-bellum days, but this pleasant
recollection doesn't count for much in