Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-10-09
WIDOW VS.. SPlNSTER.
THE mLER, WITH MUCH COURAGE.
DISCUSSES A DANGEROUS SUBJECT.
D MAIDS DISCOMFORT HIN.
rnc Lights and shadows of Picture
uauging--No Man Is n Matrimonial
graduate Until He Has Been
through the Fiery Ordeal.

If tNtit NlNoW ABOUT YOU re unRnty
g., 90 see me putting on a clean shirt
and parting my hair in the middle and
ra sh.nc up my finger nails with channels
.A.r and cleaning my teeth with a dog
,.as brush. but when "old maids" are
ir tse vicinity / generally leave the coun-
t-r or have a busy. day at the office.
WIDOWS are so sprightly and chirpy and
$3.50 Ike. and they seem to know in
s.r,.ivcly just what a man wants. I've
seen widows who had never heard OF me
before. bat who. upon meeting me. knew
Without any tip whatever that 1 loved
tobacco and pie and that liked fiattery
and was opposed to the emancipation OF
woman from mans thraldom. But It's
i rent with old maids. They faint at
.,s smell OF tobacco smoke and won't
tn5 Unless you show them Difference
srG act as politely as a dancing master.
they say cutting things to you and hint
that YOU are an indecent wretch. They're
Kinda sour on everything and everybody,
AID bristlo with reforms and crusades
ard efforts to elevate mankind. ii they're
ro. consulted at all times on every sub
t.t they flare up and get huffy and saw
r..ple Of With them everything must
b. done with mathematical precision, and
. duffer should accidentally twinkle
before them for a second in his shirt
sleeves they set him down as boor and
d rlfian. They are the kind of people
Who rule you out if you tuck your napkin
under your chin or eat with your knife.
Ia truth. they are forever sticking in the
bark and view the world with critical
ere. Reformation is their slogan. They
would reform everything on earth, except
themselves. They attend meetings and
ADOPT resolutions and haggle over par
Amentary laws, and move to amend
,he nineteenth century. with all Its GUS
toms and institutions. Some of the more
prominent spinsters have devoted much
time and study 20 the treatment of men
and 20 the rearing of children. On these
1870 lines their theories are magnificent;
but. OF course, they haven't had much
opportunity for practice.
OF all the unmarried ladies in Christen-
dom. and it mustn't be supposed for an
instant that I'm hitting at anybody. And
moreover. 10 show how absolutely free
from malice / am, l shall state that peo-
pie always informed ma a gal didn't get
20 be an old maid until she was over 80.
TO tell the plain, unvarnished truth, i've
never Yet seen an unmarried lady VINO
was over 30-ergo my discourse Is purely
.mpersOnaL
But If. on the other hand, any ''widder
ladies'" feel BATTERED at what l say, L
beg to state that my remarks are meant
as a personal compliment TO each and
every one OF them. Widows understand
men so well. They all aver that they
love tobacco smoke. and that they
give a cent for rooster VINO
didn't use the weed. And they aren't shy
md skittish and apt to fly of the handle.
Nietaphorically speaking they rub up
against you. and humor you. and find out
..ur good qualities and overlook your
faults. if YOU have any. They don't give
ST.. the cold shoulder If you use plural
noun with a singular verb, or say Il
d.-e' Tor Il did" Old maids would re-
jet man for an offence of this charac-
t.r-t they had a chance.
Slnsters believe in a conversational
purity which makes language regular
Chinese laundry. They call legs Limbs
and speak OF babies as infants" They
pronounce the word poor as If 1t were
spelled poorer. and consider the man VINO
doesn't do likewise as grossly vulgar
They spend hours in reading etiquette,
and have fixed ideas as TO the kind or |
socks men should wear with tan shoes.
OR rather. they have fixed ideas as TO |
the kind Of hose men should wear with |
tan shoes. Socks are not in their vocabu- |
iarity. They would sooner die than men
u0n such things in company. But not so |
With wilder lady" II such an indi- |
Sdual really means business, she Would |
'ust as soon up and offer TO darn your
socks There's no monkey business about |
Widows They know that just as soon as
you require a man TO be an immaculate |
Glssie and shut him up in glass case,
he WilHebOy will get shy and beat his
wings against his prison bars. In fact.
he wives of late lamenteds" are the
most indulgent people on earth They
.re full Of delicious probabilities and
please the most cautious Of men. They
sy-and il tickles us 10 death-that it's
woman's place 10 trot around and wait
20 men and make things comfortable for
hem.
Now spinsters spend their lives dream
NC Of some handsome, immaculate, pure
minded, high-souled wealthy. knightly'
md noble fellow as their husband. They
cture how sweet IL will be when this
Iperb specimen comes home at night
With snowy collar and laundered shirt
f,er having mauled rails for eighteen
.0urs. and how courteously he Will apollo
ze for having delayed the supper. AND
nay be. If they're in particularly senu-
mental humor. they will admit TO them
Ives that they would fetch the embroid-
red slippers for the magnificent animal.
llt i'm their minds they expect the nero
% reure-Or rather ask TO be excused
when he removes his shoes. And they
.kewise expect apologies when the court
81 gent takes off his coat. For the post
randall hours they sketch another beau
1901 picture They see before them their
oDsorts assisting them in the study or
iakespeare and Emerson, and helping
hem 10 write up the minutes or me
0clety for the Adjustment Of the Opt
Oh Orsans Of the Cross-Eyed Poor pro
5Inced poo-er) They expect the good
IAN 70 rise whenever the old maids
land. for etiquette says no gentleman
could remain seated when a lady is on
.r feet
and as a consequence Of this corset
ke stiffness OF ideas which spinsters ex-
Dr. men fee helter-skelter from OLD
lalds and plunge themselves into the
.eshes Of widows. This latter class
spect us 10 be mean and selfish and
ftot ca "