The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1898-03-01
zsKa M. A.

~
I'M
The Major Puts On His War Accoutre-
ments For Effect, But It Proves A
Boomerang Col Dr. KIngsbury links
There May Be war, But Is Not Pre-
pairing Any Sermons, And Why.
B-"HelIol Mr. Editor" .
R -"HeIlol Major. Hope you are
doing we'll"
B-"Oal I'm doin' fairly well. I'm
havin' a lo5 ov trubIe with Betsy nova
days erbout this war business. Soon
az I heard that they wuz a little likeli
hood ov war with Spain I thought l
would sorter scare Betsy up q little an
may be she would sorter ease up a little
In her rules governin' this household.
Invent ter town the other day an herd
q lot ov war talk. / went back home
an found that Betsy wuz gone a visit
in. So / rugged up q little tablow fer
her benefit. I hev an ole uniform an
gun an sword. When Betsy cum home
I had the uniform on an wuz rugged
up real soldier like. / thought Betsy
would take connipshun's fts at the site
ov me, but she Wuz az cool az cucum
Der. She cum In an I WIZ standin'
before the lookin' glass sorter primpin'
myself. She stopped an looked at me
erbout q minute. I wuz lookin' az
solemn az an owl. She lowed: "Well,
Z9ke, I reckon you've gone crazy at
last" I didn't say anything. Then
she wanted ter know whut fool skeeme
/ had on hands. / sed, SEE /, Pm goin'
ter war ter fife fer my country" she
wanted ter know who I WuZ goin' ter
fife. / tole her the Spaniards, them
brutes whut blew up the Maine" She
lowed ARE they goin' ter hev war
shure enuff9" l sed yes, it looks that
way. I thought maybe she would
break cut cryin' am cum an put her
arms Ground my neck. But she didn't,
She sed she hated ter hear ov war, but
if il must cum it must. I sed Betsy,
/ hate ter leave you, but duty calls me
ter the front at once. Imust hurry
up. Then l axed her If che couldn'E fix
me I'D a snack ter eat on the way, fer
I mite not be able ter git much ter eat
fer several months ter cum. Then l
sorter sighed an sed war IL a terrible
thing. She lowed yes IL IL Z5ke,
but you didn't fife much In the last
war, so you kin afford ter go ter the
front now" That sorter rIled me. In
stead ov cryin' an Begin me not ter
go ez I expected, she wuz actually
seemln' ter be glad l WIZ goin' ter the
front. An she II the wife ov my buz
yum, too. By that time | WIZ gltCln'
so d~adblasted mad the If 1 could hev
got cite ov the whole Spanish army I'd
q tried ter give iE a first class lIckin'. l
got so mad l wouldn't eat a bite Ov cup
per. Betsy went on erbOut her Wurk
an seemed ter be IN the best humor l
ever ga " her. After while Ibegan ter
shuck off my uniform. Betsy sed she
didn't know much erbout war, but she
thought soldiers always slept with one
eye open an with their uniforms on. l
Wuz too mad ter say anything. Vim
min are the most agravstin' an onsar
tin things on earth. If the Spanish
Wanter invade my immediate nabor-
hood they wont meet any opposishun
frum me. Everytime l go away frum
home an cum back Betsy axes me il
I've bin wounded yit. They amt no
chanse fer q married man ter be a
Christian. I see that my ole friend
Col. DR.. KIugsbury, o. the Wilmington
Messenger, IL pursuin' a very conser
vatiye course. I'm glad ov it. The
Spanish wont git killed very much if
they kin keep on speakin' terms with
me an DR.. Kingsbury. / think the
Doctor knows that he IL too ole ter be
drafted. an he il not studyin' hiz ser
mon book az he did Just erbout the
breakin' out ov the last war. The DR..
hex gotten az quiet on the war subject
az the News and Observer did on the
question ov a reduckshun ov passenger
fares when things began ter take on a
business shape. They both do their
htin' In times ov profound peace.
Gudebye."
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