Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1898-07-11
EPISTLES EXTRAORDINARY.

!
The best efforts of the sfunny men,
are less amusing than some Of the un-
cons cious humor often found in letters
written by those to whom letter writ
ing has not yet become a fine art, and
who express their thoughts awkward
y, to say the least. J. L. Harbour
gives in The Christian Endeauor World
the following amusing instances:
A letter of this kind was not long
ago by physician, the wife of one of
his patients writing as follows:
Dear Doctor:-I have the sad news
to have the pleasure to inform you
by these few lines that you needn't
come no more, my poor husban' is
ded. He went off jess as easy as a
glove.
The writer once received the follow
ing lofty epistle from the mother of
one of his pupils. when he was teach
lug in small Western town:
Dear Sir:-I trust you will pardon
Alcione's whollyAnavoidable absence
yesterday. Circumstances are not al
ways comfortable by our finite minds,
as you are, no doubt, aware. We are
all subject to immutable laws and are
constantly doing that we would
voidable failure to attend yesterdays
session. I trust may not soon have
to indite similar unexpected circum-
stance but destiny may rule other
wise Believe me to be
Yours truly and respectively
Anastasia G. H.
A still more amusing letter was re-
cieved from a mother who thus defin-
itely and concisely outlined the course
Of study she wished her son to
pursue
Sir: it is neither my desire nor my
wish that my son Samson persoo the
study of grammar nor Of any other
dead langwidges. He can git along
with plane English and as he amt ever
likely to be a Physician he amt no
need to persoo the study Of fzzyology
either, and I don't think their skilitons
is proper thing for children to study
and I prefer that Samson be konfined
to ri thmetic, readin', gogerfy and ritin
an the lanes of the Presidents of our
country.
The mayor of far Western city
once received the following letter of
inquiry:
KIND AND RESPECTED SIR:-l see
in paper that man named John
Sipes was atacted an ct up by bare
whose kubs he was trying to git when
the she bare come up an stopt him
by eatin him up in the 'mountaines
near your town.
What want to know is did it kill
him or was only partly eft up and is he
from this place and all about the bare.
I don't know but what he is a distant
hus band of mine.
My first husband was of that name
and I supposed was killed in the war
but the name Of the man the bare ct
being the same [ thought it might be
him after ali an I ought to know it
II he WdSu'U killed. III inc war or Oy UnO
bare for I have been married Twice
an there ought to be divorce papers
out by him or me if the bare did not
eat him all up. If it is him you will
know it by his having six toes on the
left foot.
He also has spred eagle tattooed
on his front chest and ankor on his
right wich you will know by if the
bare did not ct these sines oft being
him.
Find out all you can about him
without his knowing anything what
it is for. That is if the bare did not
ct him up. If it did DON'T see as you
can do anything and you needn't
take no trouble. Please ANGER back.
P. S. Was the bare killed? Also
was he married again and did he
leave any propty with me laying
claims to?
HOODS PILLS cure Liver Ills, Bill
iousness, Indigestion, Headache.
Easy to take, easy to operate. Csc