Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1898-12-24
MR.. AND MRS. BiNE.

MIR. AND MRS. BINE.
There is probably no better natured
husband in the world than /. say this
in no Boosting spirit, but merely to 70.
iteiate fact that my wife would have
realized long ago if it had been her
misfortune to have married some other
man. In our quiet little neighborhood
on the south side there is no phrase
that better conveys the ultimate of
cheerfulness than the one that is in con
slant use, GAS good natured as Mr..
Bine." Now, repeat, this reference to
my we'll known and most admired char
acteristiU IL not made in a spirit of self
exultation, for ] am about to chronicle
its downfall-temporary downfall, l
hasten to add and also to remark that
perhaps my wife is more to blame in
the matter than ] am.
| have heard that several persons
have wondered how / manage to get
along so nicely with Constance. Well,
perhaps l do deserve a great deal of
credit, though l should be the last per-
son in the world to assert this. 1t
would not be unfair to myself to state
that Constance, though she admits she
is only 80 years DID, does not look day
over 28, and she still retains the major
portion of the piquant attractiveness
that made her a belle in her young lady
days and won me at first sight. So
after all, it may be true that l am very
| lenient toward her because she is still
very pretty and still reminds me of her
bride self A great many persons, so
| Constance has told me, say that she is
smarter than | am. | won't deny this
She reads tho daily papers, mean
even reads outside the society page
while | can't get away from the markets
and politics. Shea knows where Dali
quiri and Siboney are, and that the
Philippines are composed of /, 400 is.
lands inhabited by 5000, 900 natives of
all sorts, sizes, classes and varieties,
but this information does not get Alice
new frock or buy Joseph a pair of
shoes sufficiently large to cover an as
sortment of badly damaged vacation
toes.
However. this story Of how l was
surprised into an expression of annoy
ance-perhaps l should say irritation
is what | wish to tell, that the truth Of
it may be known. Constance says | dis
played anger, but then she is great
tease. 1t was midnight to the stroke Of
! the courthouse clock Then they began ::
/ Meeeeeeeee ow o-o-w-o-o WOW -miaou !
4 SzZzskkkkkkkkk- eeeeeee miaou-riaou-
rrrrrr- purrrrr Wow!i Wowll Wow Il!
WOW Wowl
My hair, in standing on ends, had
| pulled me to a sitting posture. 1t took
| several minutes to catch my breath.
am sure if l had not been an expert
diver when | was boy. l would have
expired now of suffocation. Then came
again that horrible interchange of dis
sonance 1t is needless to repeat the
suggestions that are used to indicate
the sputterings and ear scalding feline
anathemas. The noise seemed to come
| from under the bed; in reality the
wretches were just out Of throwing dis
lance. / glanced at Constance. She lay
/ quietly sleeping, looking not unlike
reposing queen with her aureole of curl
/ papers. Again came those scarifying
screeches. How Constance can sleepi
She slowly turned half over, and still
not awake touched me and managed to
murmur, "Stop snoring, Mr. Bine. "
/ Really, that must have been the first
thing that influenced me in he direc-
| ton of losing my temper. Stop snoringl
/ As if | ever snored. And it was not the
/ first time Constance had accused me of
/ snoring. | can take a joke as we'll as
any one, but when Constance accuses
me Of such undignihed proceedings l
/ confess it does not move me to geniali-
! ty. Then the cats began again, and
/ Constance, awakening to the situation,
sat up and stammered out feebly,
1 "Shoo." Then she turned to me and
1 said sleepiy:
For goodness sake, go to sleep.
/ Don t let little noise like that worry
you.
She instantly followed her own ad-
vice, and l may say here positively that
! if l do snore l have no reason to feel
! lonesome. l crept softly out of bed and
after searching vainly for an empty bot
| tie poured the remainder of my cold
| Cabinet " into a glass, corked the flask
and fired it in direction from which
the disturbing sounds seemed to come.
/ When that bottle struck Tie ground, it
/ exploded like a torpedo, and l would
not have been surprised if had sunk
/ part of the street. Constance was awake
] again Instantly She raacbad bey hand
/ out and discovered l was gone and then
moaned out, "Oh, Mr.. BineW
l explained what it was, and she
wanted to know where l got an empty
bottle, told her. She said it was just
an excuse to take toddy, and-well, ]
like fer Constance TO be right occasion
ally. Constance was wide awake, the
cats had fed, and / was just about to
go back to sleep.
tEGh. h h. hb- IN n - yvbicvorod Con