Republican news item. [volume] (Laport, Pa.) 1896-19??, 1898-11-17
HUMOROUS.

My friend, don't put your oar into
q general conversation of sensible
tolk, unless you have good skull.
Spain's map is not mounted on the
right kind of cloth. 1t shrinks dur
ing the reign of every one of it's
rulers.
"My grandparents married in
haste" "And did they repent at lei
sure|' ooh, yes. both lived to be
over ninety"
''What can equal the warmth of
true woman's love?" asked the Dear
est Girl. ''Her temper" replied the
savage bachelor.
Harry-How very dull it was at the
Cutters party last night. Vera-Yes,
In the early part OF the evening; but
it was brighter after You left.
'Would you please help me?" said
the poor beggar to the pedestrian; st
have wife and five children at home,
and an installment to pay on my bicy-
Gle tomorrow.
Stranger-That man is evidently
crazy. Why is he not put in an asy-
lump Native-His property is so
heavily mUtgaged that none of his
relatives want it.
Yeast-Jesse tells he that he is
practicing In the courts; 7 didn't know
that he had been admitted 10 the bar?
Crimsonbeak-He hasn't Its the
tennis courts he means.
Bumps (sadly)- You are not What
you used to be, Viola. Mrs. Bumps
(sharply)-Of course I'm not. l used
to be your best girl, but now I'm your
wife, and it makes all the difference.
Mother How did PAL O $ new book
get in this condition? Bobby Why,
mamma, l heard papa say last night
that the book was too dry for him, so
l put it in the bath and let the water
run.
A Michigan farmer abused his moth
er-in-law, and then asked her to lower
him down the we'll to recover the lost
dipper. The coroner decided that the
rope broke, though others thought 1T
had been cut.
He-It seems to be generally ac-
knowledged as fact that nearly all
women admire soldier She-I don't
know as to the married ladies, but
none of the single ones would object
to a good offer-sir
Elsie was trying to eat dessert OF
gelatine, and had some difficulty in
conveying the quivering spoonful to
her mouth. Mamma" she said at
length, 81 don't blieve I like such
nervous desserts"
eyes," remarked the Widow Tacum,
''before we were married 1 used to
admire John because 1 thought he
was so noble. 1 continued to admire
him afterwards; but it was because he
was such splendid humbug!'
She-Do you know, that kitten
there reminds me of you? Held
like to know where the connection is?
She-It seems to have just about as
much success in catching its tail as
you do in finding your moustache.
MADAM, you've already overdrawn
your account" "What's that?" 'Yon
haven't any more money in the bank. "
"The idea. A fine bank, 1 think, to
be out of money because of the little
I've drawn Well, I'll so somewhere
else"
Freshman Ito dentist)-I wouldn't
pay nothing extra for gas. Just yank
her out, if it does hurt. Dentist =
You are plucky, sir. Let me see the
tooth. Freshman oh, faint me
that's got the toothache; it's my wife.
She'll be here in minute.
She had been arrested for shoplift.
ing "Do you wish to make any state
ment before sentence is passed ON
you?" asked the judge. 81 have
nothing to say" was the response.
Those few words were her undoing.
Everyone knew then that the prisoner
was man masquerading as woman.
Meeks-My wife is nothing if not
original. Now, what do you suppose
she said when I asked her to marry
me? Weeks-Oh, something about
it's being so sudden suppose. Meeks
No, indeed! She said, "Well,
think it's about time; I've been ex-
pecting you to make break for three
months"
Gillings-You said that kerosene
was perfectly safe, and that it could
be used without the least danger. ]
took your word, and what is the re-
suit? The stuff has exploded and
made ruin of our kitchen. Dealer
I said the oil was not dangerous.
did not say anything at all about the
servant girl.