Devils Lake inter-ocean. (Devils Lake, Ramsey Co., Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1905, 1898-10-14
Dooley ana the PAilippi.e..

said Nj. Hennessy. nd hist a flag
over tn Philippians an I'd take in TIL
whole lot " thim."
SAN yet,' said Mr.. Dooley, !" it's not
moro thin two months since ye larned
whether they we're islands or canned
goods. Ye'er back yard Is SO small
that ye'er cow can't turn r-round with
out buttin' tn woodshed of tn prem
Uses, an'ye wuddent 60 out to tn stock
yards without takin' out a policy on
ye'er life. Suppose ye was standin' ut
tn corner iv State sthreet an Archey
r-road, wud ye know what car to take
to get to tn Ph'ippeensY II ye'er son
Packy was to ask ye where tn Philip
poems is cud ye give him amy good.
idea whether they was in Rooshia or
JUS visit iv tn thracksY"
"Mebbe l cudden't,' said Mr.. Hen
messy, haughtily, "bnt TIM fr takin'
this in, anyhow"
$50 might I be-" said Mr.. Dooley,
"if cud on'y get me mind on it. Wan
" the worst things about this here war
is tn way it's maxim puzzles f'r our
poor, tired heads. Whin l whit into it
l thought all I'd have to do was to set
up here behind tn bar with a good tin
clint see-gar in me teet ham toss dinny-
mite bombs into tn hated city w
Havana. But look at me now. TIL
war Is still goin' on an livery night
whin I'm countin' up tn cash I'm
askin' mesilf will / annex Cuba or lave
it to tn Cubians? Will 1 take Porter
Ricky or put it by? An what shud 1
do with the PhlippeensY Oh, what
shud I do with thin? l can't annex
thin because l don't know where they
ar-re. l can't let 60 Nv thin because
some vas elsell take thin If l do.
"They are eight thousan' w thin
islands with q population Nv wan.
hundred millyon naked savages, an
me bedrooms crowded now with me
an tn bed. How can I take thin in
an how on earth am I goin' to cover
tn %nakedness iv thin savages with me
wan shoot Nv clothes? An yit 'twould
break me heart to think Nv givin'
people / niver see or heerd tell Nv back
to other people l don't know. AMI l
don't take this Schwartzmeister down
tn sthreet. that has half me thrade al
ready, will grab thin sure.
ut amt that I'm afraid iv not dom
tn Fright thing In tn end, Hinnissy.
Some mornin' I'll wake up an know
JUS what to, an that I'll do. But tits
tn annoyance iv tn manetime. I've
been re.readin' about TIL country.
IT'S over beyant ye'er left shoulder
whin ye'er facin' east. Just throw
ye'er thumb back an ye have 1t as
%ac'erate as amy man In town. 'Tis
farther thin Boohlgarya an not so far
as Blewchoochoo. It's near Chiny an
Is not so near m ii a man was to bore
a we'll through firm Goshen, Indianny,
he might sthrike it, an thin again he
might not. It's a poverty-sthricken
country, full " gold an precious
stones, where tn people q pick din
nor off tn threes an ARE starvin'
because they have no stepiadders.
IN inhabitants is mostly nagurs an
Chinnymen, peaceful, industrious an
law-abidin', but savage an blood
thirsty in their methods. They wear
no clothes except what thoy have on
an each woman has five husbands an
each man has five wives. TIL r-rest
goes into tn discard, tn same Ms here.
Tn islands has been owned be Spain
since befure tn fire, an she's threatcd
thin SO we'll they're now up in ar-rms
again her except a majority iv thin
which is thruly loyal.
9Th natives seldom fight, but whin
they get mad at wan another they
r-run-a-muck. Whin a man r-runs.a-
muck sometimes they hang him an
sometimes they discharge him an hire
a new motorman. Tn m ARE
beautiful, with languishin' black owes
an they smoke seegars, but ARE
hurried an incomplete in their dhress.
| see a pitcher Nv wan tn other day
with nawthin' on her but n basket ~
coconuts an a %hoopskirt. They're no
prudes. We import juke, hemp, cigar
wrappers. sugar an fairy tales firm til,
Philippians, an export six-inch shells
an tn like. " late TIL Philippians
has awakened to tn fact that they're
behind tn times, an has received much
American ammunition in their midst.
They say tn Spanyards is all tore up
about it.
II Earned all this firm tn pa-apers,
an l know tits straight. An vet,
Hinnissy, I dinnow what to do about
tn Philippians. An I'm all alone in
tn wurruld. Iv'rybody else has made
up his mind. Ye ask amy con-ducther
on Ar.rchey r-rond an nell tell We.
Ye can ind out firm tn pa-apers, an'if
ye really want to know, all 70 have to
do is to ask a prominent citizen who
can NOV all tn lawn be owns with a
safety razor. But l don't know"
Slang on to thim," said Mr.. Hen
messy, stoutly. "What we've got we
must hold
"Wefl,' said Mr.. Dooley, "if l was
Mack I'd Fave it to George. I'd say:
George, I'd say, it ye-er f'r hangin' on,