Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-03-27
THEY TRY OUR SOULS.
THE IDLER BEwAILs THE SEASON
OF SPRING HOUsE-CLEANINGs.
BE WALKS THE STREETS IN MISERY.
A Gentlemnn with Celebrated
Face Some of the Terrible Things
That Happen In the Dry-Goods
Stores.

4
The trouble has come, and walk tn,
streets homeless and distressed or llngel
timidly on the corners and wistfully
watch the place that was my former
abode. About me the March winds
whistle their mournful misereres, and
the vernal dust, in choking columns,
swirls down my throttle and proclaims
to the world that inwardly my name is
| mud. Sometimes the breezes blow cold
and shivers dart down the spinal column
that appeals for protection, but into my
! domicile 1 venture not. Has the house
! hold fallen into the hands OF the sheriff,
| or is there divorce suit pending? Is
| 1t that / have disSraced my home and
lack the courage to face those whom |
have thus brought to grief? No, it is
not any of these things, nor do 1 Ineet
my deserts when L thus hover lovingly
about the doors that are barred against
me. Neither is 1t ease of another good
man gone wrong, nor am I the victim OF
a gnawing conscience. Again, L say, it is
back and cause me TO face the Chilling
blasts. 1t is something more serious
still! 1t is the Commander-in-Chiefa and
her spring house-cleaning-the mistress
of the manse with a mouth full Of car
pet tacks and a handkerchief knotted
around her determined brows. For
days-aye, weeks-I have known It was
coming, and brayely / have determined
to meet the difficulties, but even bravery
alas! is not always a solace when the
awful ordeal comes. Every year it is
the same-the dirt, the Old newspapers, |
the chaos, the discord, and the wrinked |
brow of the queen of the broom, who, at |
such seasons, spurns the very mention |
of man, and is loud in her expressions CT |
contempt for this miserable beast. Every |
year there Is the same criticism of that |
Providence which created male beings |
and put them here TO air their stupidity |
in the presence Of that superb and i'm
perious creature-wOman. Every year
it is the same old mandate to go out and
get meals wherever l can, especially as I
those L have at home never suit me.
Every year il is the same awful duty OF
lodging disjointed piano lamps and look
ing for useful pieces of furniture which
have been moved around TO suit the
fancy of our domestic pilot. And worst
o! yes, infinitely the worst of all, this
is the season when the annual harangue
on the evils Of pipe-smoking is delivered,
and when tobacco in general, and
smokers in particular, are eXcoriated and
classed along with swine and other I'M
clean things.
OF course, knew IT was coming. Any
lust as we know that we've all got to die
md that as we get old We will lose our
eeth and our hair and have wrinkles
md get uay and have corns on our feet,
Dut what, O! what, is the sOlace in this?
rhe annual recurrence OF the ordeal
erves rather TO make it more difficult TO |
,ear for with the realization of present |
lorrors are the memories of Affections
,ast. The warnings have been coming
ne at a time for some days past First,
here was the new feather buster that !
the new brooms, and next
he tack-hammers, and lastly, the help
Which bobs up in the form Of the cross
yed colored favOrite responding TO the
anne of Minerva. But even If these
ymptoms of impending trouble were not !
manifest in advance, there is the Com
herself, who gives ample
|
efore it strikes. For days beforehand 8
he may be seen with her head on one |
ide, eyeing her surroundings and sur I
ewing the situation. Occasionally, the | Q
tful CLEAN of her eyes will fall upon the /,
enerable corncob pipe on the mantel or
be slippers in the sitting-room or the q
en- and ink on the desk or the pile of old !
ewspapers l love TO keep or the bag Of :
)bacco that is always necessary Some ;
mes, when apparently dreaming, she i
ill arouse herself with a snort and utter l.
ords against men that make me so :
shamed of myself for being born that ="
he thought of suicide is almost irresisti- =
lie. Then. lapsing from an aggressive -
Ito a pitiful mood, she will wiring her
lnds and swear that hOusekeepers, no ! =
after how energetic and patient they u
re. are helpless to keep things right .
hen members of my sex are about But | "
,e pitiful mood doesn't last long. It's i
ostly the aggressive mood-in fact it's L
most always the aggressive mood, no
after what the season Of the year may g
). Thus it is that the volcano mutters a
I'd rumbles before eruption so that there N
really fair warning, If anything could u
fair warning for the ordeal. And II
,ally the volcano bursts and the lava HI
thicker and heavier and hotter and Sc
ore scorching than ever before. q
OF
Almost at the break OF dawn I am OF
from a troubled sleep by the he
oil morning air blowing I'm upon me, l eN
en- my gummy eyes to find that every | 81
ndow in the house is up. The swish, IA
'ish. swish OF broom reaches my ears, SO
d the creak OF shifting furniture fol- &C
VS.. while above tho din is the strident az
ice of the majestic lady who knows no co
stacles to her determination. Dust n in
erywnere; IT is pouring in through the Oh
ry keyholes OF the door and glistens Ia
the morning sunbeams Ike the flakes al
q snow-storm. My silk hattie only Gu
ce of apparel L really treasure-is left IN
ere II can get all the dirt in circula- he
n, while the china timcracks from the IN
cent store are carefully protected, as m
the sacred tissue-paper shade OF the III
no-lamp, and the after-dinner tea set.
ich is generally placed I'm that portion tn
the house where 1t is most likely 10 da
Ike a man uncomfortable. Every win FOL
" is up. The rugs are rolled, and the pc
tch-box is hidden from the sight OF ev
n. The newspapers are crammed into ev
coal scuttle, which is temporarily Su
d as a receptacle for the dirt. The dci
ESQ. where are theyl The baby, who. fro
ing this era OF excitement, must be sw
flied at any cost. is seated on my do
cious unabridged dictionary. while the tn,
err juvenile squirmers have begun the WI
lstic job or painting the engrayings In on
prize book or art with their Decent cal
OF colors. Nowhere are the slippers heI
be seen, and IL 10 evident that hence hei