The times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1897-1901, 1898-08-28
HUMORSe OF THE WEEK
Two Examples of the Art Of
Letter-Writing.
SOME VERY CLEVER VERSES
A ShnI<espearenn Press Agent Who
Couldn't Spell "JuIius Caesar"
kate Masterdon's Lines on THE
Mansfield Baby-Other Notes and
Items.

Items.
The stage is avowedIy the least requir-
ing Of the professions, so far mere
trihes like education and breeding go.
and in consequence the ignorance of some
of its votaries is appalling. This is par
ticuiarly true of variety people whole
spite the mixture of vaudevilians that
has slfted among them-continue to give
examples of their mental blankness every
now and then. There are few mono
loguists who can repeat their jokes with
out homtcidal treatment of the Kings
English, while other branches of the work
are filled with men and women of the
same caliber. Some entertainers who
manage to talk very wei betray them
| selves the moment they try ietter-Writ-
| ing. The two epistles that bring this fact
| to mind are striking specimens of Its YER
Hy. Both were received by a booking
agent who had advertised for perform
ers of different sorts. and both are thor
] oughly authentic. The chirography OF
! each is about as intelligible as that on
Chinese laundry slip. and the paper used
in both cases resembles that which one
often sees lying in coal bins. The first
| reads: Sat. Aug. 1898. deer sir. read
on the new yonk Clipper your ADVERTISE
ment witch 1t said that you wanted hight
| Glass Vaudeville Artists also members
| for stock Burlesque co. So 1 fought
would wright to you what we could GO
| we are caid the Dinond Brothers. now
Joseph comes out frs and Dose very
risky act witch is called trapese balenceing
and Amy very difficult act wSch is face
ballenceing he can He holds the Cham
pion Ship of Worcester Country and he
is very clever and ne can hold waite
of rs lbs on his chin and then We come
out togeter and tun5oel togeter Anser as
quick as possible menchen the saiery
1t is quite needless to say that this brill
liant example, of the art of letter-writing
was never "ansered." Nor was the sec
ond one, which remarked, Dear sir. L am
Prof hay the ole dog Trainer and Per-
former But am now all crippled up in
my laigs Mister Williams can you give
me date for sept or Oct. motto l have
a little sun IA yeers ole Willis hay, mis-
act is fine in refined eileen act is better
then if a Ladie or Gent does the same.
It is a nice little boy and base fine dogs
the youngest dog trainer in the World and
| his little dogs do as menny tricks as
Eny 10 dogs do. act long or short ) TO ~
minits where Ever Boy willis works he
pleases audiances and managers. IS now
at rockaway beach, L. l. Playing dogs
and punch and judy. he does punch and
judy good for little Boy has good out
Fit would like 10 have winters work
for punch and dogs. then l do a snort
turn as Prof. hay the old magicion
don't luke like a dood But | can I'LL in
, some on turn on magik. OTTO no II little
Boy has good dogs or not for l framed
more then eny trainers in the World
and l don't want the Earth only $50 for
acts no less than weaks or for 5
weaks only SIT per weak. Mister VIII
liams Pleas anser next male don't send
your Envelop of Hous. we can stay near
at Mister Barns museum But Board Is 10
high hear will stay for weak or yet.
Pleas write quick to Prof. hay excus dir
ty paper permenent address, is Hanover
PENNSYLVANIA"
And yet there is something more pa
thetic than humorous about that letter.
Something that is entirely laughable
however is a press notice received tbs
other day at this office from the agen
of the James-Kidder-Ward triumvirate
One may forgive much in a dog trainer
that he could not understand in the au
thorfzed representative of a Shakes
perian combination. The story in ques
ton concerns the repertoire TO be USED
[ next season by the stars. and among
: a list of other plays X gave the name:
of "McBeth'' and Julious Ceaser." Il
the supporting company acts as badly a.
its advance agent spells, theaters a
r cf,a
ceptionally large percentage.
Many bright things have been said anC
y written of late regarding the Mansfield
baby, but none of them seems more L
the point than some verses published IL
! last weeks Dramatic Mirror by Kat
Masterdon. They were entitled "a Tip,
and run as follows:
When you grow up to be a Football Man
For. l presume, OF course you'll go to colleg
| And learn with boxing gloves the air to fan
Besides heap Of ordinary knowledge
You'll hear lot OF things about your dad;
The hits that wreathed the laurels on his fore
And also other little ways he had
When critics wrote things that he thought wer
horrid.
Perhaps you'll choose to be an actor. too,
Or join some other dignifed profession,
e Aiming forever for purpose true,
Striving unfalt' ringy for the goal Progression
= Friends will advise, and as their words you scan
Will tell you many tale that is whopperi
But take hint from me, my little man:
Whate'e you do don't try to manage popperl
And the writer witnessed an example o
/: impromptu versification the other da!
t that struck him approaching the re
, | Ynarkable He was talking to a prominen
local critic and happened TO mention tn
fact that certain molar was giving hin
: some trouble. without a moments hest
tation his companion began work ant
within five minutes had turned out tn
= | following Cure
. II a toothache you have got
i Place upon it something hot
a Not the iron from a CRATE,
: Nor a molten paperweight,
But bowling
Rushing, growing
= Whisky straight!
q Hold it there until it burns
: And the torture outward turns
Even if pain does not git
And yotl nearly have a fit