davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
GYPSY DANCING GIRLS OF SEVILLE


In Holy Week in Seville in the July
Century, Stephen Bonsal says: ION re-
turning homeward we enter a gypsy gar
den, where, in bowers of Jasmine and
honeysuckle, the Gaditan dancing girls
disport themselves as they did in the days
of the poet Martial. Penthouse is as
graceful and as lissome to-day as when,
In the ages gone. she captured Pompey
with her subtle dance--as when Martial
descanted upon her beauties and graces
in classic words centuries ago. The hotel
keepers In Seville are generally very care
full to introduce their patrons only to
gardens where the Bowdlerized edition of
the dance are performed; but I commend
to those who think they can sit it out
the archaic version which are danced nat
urally to-day, as they were in the days of
the Caesars, by light-limbed enchainerS
of hearts, and flamenco girls with brown
skins and checks that are soft like the
side of the peach which is turned to the
ripening sun; and in their dark, lustrous
eyes you read as plain as print the story
of the SORROWS and joys Of thousand
years of living. Now they dance about
with the grace of hours. the abandon Of
maenads of or nymphs before Actaeon
peeped; and now, when the dance is over,
the moment of madness past, they cover
their feet with shawls, that you may not
see how dainty they are, and withdraw
sedately and sad from the merry circle,
and sit for hours under the banana trees.
grooming softly some mournful couplet
in the crooked gypsy tongue,
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
WHER6n SOME Wo1GEN FAIL.
Even Expensive Costumes Will Not
Make Them Stylish.

It Is gall and wormwood to women
who spend money lavishly upon dress
yet fail to secure that quality called
STYLE" and yet, nine times out of ten
it Is because:
They are short wasted, and stupidity
wear long-waisted corsets, with the
bust In a shelf directly beneath the
chin.
Being stout, they lace their hips out
and their busts up into perfect cush-
ions, in order to reduce the circumfer-
ence of their waists. Poor deluded
souls!
Lean women, to remedy natures mig
gardliness, wear padding in such
unique proportions as to make kind
hearted ones turn away their faces
All amazing is the made up figure Of
to-day.
There is one way out of this valley
Of despCnd, regarding success In dress
and 1t is to sturdy ones physique in the
mirror and make fashion subservient
to common sense and fitness.
Though all the world wear ruff1es
many times repeated, do not you hope
to be aught but figure of fun-in
ruff1es-if you are not slyph-like.
Contrary-wise, elongated trimming s
make tall. slender women equally I'M
slightly. High stocks on short-neck-
ed femininity are appalling.
Cose-ftting skirts directly below
the abdomen upon stout women, and
cross-wise trimmings upon women
with large busts will accentuate their
breadth four fold
Shirred sleeves, wide belts, sashes
picture hats, Empire wells, light color
ed fabrics and light shoes should be
entirely tabooed by generously-propor-
toned women.
Wear small or medium-sized chap
eaux if stout, and let your street gown
be dark in color.
Then, there is everything in how one
wears gown or how the hat is placed
at what angle it is tip-tilted. A Worth
or Felix masterpiece put upon a wo-
man who holds herself badly would
be but an expensive failure.
Better wear a plainly-made serge
costume, with fine shoes and well-fit-
ting, spotless gloves, than a silk lace
betrimmed gown, with soiled gloves
and shoes that leave much to be de-
sired.
Stylish" dressers are careful, first
of fit then quality; lastly, that colors
and accessories are in keeping, varied
by vests of becoming shades.
Titian-haired women, of all their
sex, should be careful in the colors
they put near their red-gold locks
Orange and cerise are both fashionable
and lovely colors, but eschew them
Fair Titan.
Sallow-skinned or mouse-colored wo-
| men need rich deep shades to light up
their faces. A very transformation
scene can be effected by touch of vel
low or Jack" red near the throat OF
such women. Cerise or royal likewise
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
WAITING TO SPRING HIS JOKE
Admiral Cervera Should Help This
Man in His Scheme.

ITO tell the truth" said the man
with the red necktie to the man with
the rank cigar, as they leaned back in
the wicker seat OF the smoker. I'm
probably more interested in this here
Santoy-i-go business than most any
one else
You mean the place where them
ships of the Spanish--that Admiral
Shiveree, or whatever his name may
bearer"
Yes. I've been watching that affair
with the EXTREMIST personal solicitude
for long time. Ever since the first
day when somebody mentioned that
Skiee had them bottled up"
Maybe you've got a son on board or
something's"
20, no."
.'or have made a bet as to how long
it'll take2"
No, that amt it, either
Well, what in the world is it that
makes 1t case that appeals to you es-
pecially more than anybody else?'
We'll, it's just this way: You know
that since the papers began talking
about them Spaniards being bottled up
there have been all kinds of funny re-
marks made about corking the bottle
and such like. Now, I've been thinking
over that business, and over a week
ago l made up little joke on the sub
ject, which I've been waiting to spring.
| can't do it until the first fight hap
pens. What want to say that is Adj
miral-Cervical Vertebrate, or whatever
it is-went into that bottle to escape
trouble, but it followed him, and he
got ii in the neck. Understand? Neck
of the bottle. You see, that harbor has
a long narrow entrance which will
serve for the neck of the bottle In the
joke. Why, that remark about corkina
the thing won't be in it with my joke
when | get chance to work il off. You
see the point, don't you? It's just this
way, as | said. When"
And he borrowed pencil and began
to draw diagram of the bay of Santi-
ago upon the back of an envelope to
make the matter perfectly clear.-Chl-
cago Record.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
A dos.

(After the Spanish fleet had struck
it's colors off the harbor of Santiago on
July 8, Capt. Philip. of the battleship
Texas, ordered his crew not to cheer
He assembled his men and gave thanks
to God for the victory which we had
that day gained)
The smoke hangs heavy DER the sea-
Beyond the storm-swept battle line
Where floats the flags of stripes and stars
Triumphant DER the shattered foe
The walls of MORO thunder still their
fear;
Helpless. mass of flame, the foeman
I drifts.
And Ger her decks the flag of white.
flushed voices pass the word from lip to
And grfmy sailors silent stand beside the
'.'Cease firing. An enemy is dying. Do
not cheer
IAN enemy is dying Do not cheer"
Thy servants glorious tribute to thy
name,
Christ Lord. who rules the battle well.
And seeth cen the Sparrow's fall
Redly, through drifting smoke, the sun
looks down,
On silent guns and shot-pierced, bloody
Long nnes Of weary men. with heads
bowed low,
Give thanks In presence Of thy reaper
'ras I'll + dens. oaeyd. shou ru,,st an.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
WORST OF HIS KIND.
Mr.. Whanger Contemplate War Taxes
With an Economic Eye.

Boston Journal.
Mr.. Whanger has been a man Of fiery
patriotism. His flag is the largest and
the finest In the street. His talk has been
the loudest In the street car Mrs.
Whanger has already sent three dozen
abdominal belts to the brave soldiers, and
a picture of Dewey is on her dressing
table. They all sat at breakfast yester-
day. Mr.. whanger, Mrs. Whanger ard
the little W'hangers. "Ah," said the pa
triotic husband, Il see that tea will be
taxed ten cents a pound" His wife said,
DIR. Borax was saying last Sunday that
we drank too much tea. This fannie acid
is a dreadful thing, and even If you leave
milk or cream out of the cup the danger
is just as great
And they are going to tax beer 81 per
barrel" answered Mr.. Whanger. This
makes little difference to me, for lam go
ing to stop drinking beer July 1 for six
months. 1 don't believe 1t agrees with
me. I think it aggravates my eczema"
HIM, Tobacco, There's a heavy tax
on cigars weighing over three pounds. But
1 always smoke light cigars
I've have no telephone in our house"
thank the Lord, and whenever 1 send a
telegram l send 1t marked collect"
Our lease runs for another Esar, and
the war will be over by that time
Yes" said Mrs. Whanger, but I no.
tice that parlor car seats will be taxed a
cent a piece" Mr.. Whanger glared at
her. why shouldn't you go In an ordi-
nary car? Such cars are much cooler"
No one in the house used chewing gum
or was likely to inherit money. Mr..
Whanger finally smiled. johnny, see if
the flag is all right. This is glorious news
from Santiago"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31

In Flannel Shirt and : String
Around HIS Hat. He VIII Ride a
Mule.

Among the Virginians who have re-
Gently visited Washington there has
been no more striking figure and none
on whom more eyes were turned in
admiring gaze than the stalwart form
and sunburned swarthy countenance<o of
Gen. Thomas L. Rosser. A newly ap-
pointed officer asked Rosser where he
was going to have his uniforms made.
They will cost you lot of money"
said he. Il have had six suits made,
and they cost me $780,"
Il will only need" responded Rosser,
"a flannel shirt, which l can buy here
anywhere on the avenue for 75c; pair
of shoulder straps and string or
piece of braid around my hat to desig-
nate that am an officer"
you will have to get a fine horse,
General" continued the interlocutor.
Gen. Butler has had $500 black stall
lion presented to him and other Gen.
erals have secured fine horses"
WELL" replied Rosser, II have some
good stock down on my farm, but
from what l can learn. horse will
not be the suitable thing in Cuba: l
think mule will be the best. and it is
my expectation to ride mule"
1t may be that this Confederate vet
eran with his flannel shirt and string
around his hat, bestriding mule, will
not be exactly in trim to court an
amorous looking glass or caper nimbly
In a lady's chamber to the lascivious
pleasing of a lutte, but for a Black
Douglass ready for the devils own
work in desperate encounter commend
us to the Prince of Albermarle. -
Richmond Times.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
LETTERS FROM THE PEOPLE.

LETTERS FROM 1ttE PEOfhE
THE FLAG OF THE UNITED
STATES
Editor Constitution-The following
lines are the finest and most inspiring
tribute to the flag l have ever met
with They are from an old scrap
book, were published before the civil
war, the authors name does not ap-
pear and l have never seen them else
where.
In these epoch-marking times, when
our flag Is unfolding over newly &C
quired territory on opposite sides of the
globe, they are fit to be republished.
Respectfully,
HUGH V. WASHINGTON.
Macon, Ca, July s, 1898.
Neer waved beneath the golden sun
A lovelier banner for the brave
Than that our bleeding fathers won
And proudly to their children gave.
Nor earth a IA rer gem can bring
Or freedom claim a brighter scroll
Than that TO which our free hearts cling
The flag which lights the freemans soul.
Its glorious stars in azure shine,
The radiant heraldry of heaven,
Its stripes in beauteous order Irvine,
The emblems of our union given.
And tyrants with trembling gaze
Survey its bright and meteor glare.
While glorys beams around us blaze
and rest in fadeless splendor there.
Look, freemeni on its streaming folds
AS CALAMITY they range affair."
Where freedoms bird undaunted holds
The branch of peace and spear of war;
While high amid the rolling stars,
With words which every heart expand,
Within her beak secure she bears
The badge OF our united land!
Thy countrys pride. the tyrants baue;
Cnrivaled on the foarniEg deep,
Unconquered on the battle plain
Along the exuiting mountains gale
'Tis borne with wild majestic flow,
As trailing meteors skyward sail:
And leave the dazzled world belowt
From shore to shore. from hill to hill.
Where freedoms voice has yet been
heard.
It's welcomed with a holy thrill:
And oft rebeIlious flame hath stirred
Around the world, through every cline.
Where commerce watts or man has trod,
1t floats aloft. unstained with crime
But hallowed by heroic blood
Though France has crushed her Bourbon
And seized the flag his valor sought,
She holds il as oppressionis DOVER
A name in all the boon II brought.
Though Albion boasts her cross Of blood.
Incrimsoned on a thousand plains,
Yet freedoms cause she has wtthstood
And marked it with redeemiess stains.
But thine Coiumbia's, Thine the prize,
TO cheer the free and guide the brave.
To wave through earth's remotest skies
And plant upon oppression's grave.
Thine Is the standard freedom wrought
To rear above the lions form:
Whose fame their martyred fathers
sought
To cheer them through the battles
storm
Flag OF the free, stiIl bear thy sway
UYldimmd through ages yet untold.
Ger earthss proud realms thy stars dis
Like norrAnGs radiant clouds unrolIed.
Flag 81 the kies. sfin peerless shine
Through HERS azure vault uufuYIedv
TsiI ~ sry Ind and heert entwlne
|f IA rwe~- ppreoa1on from the WorIG
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
FUN OVER A VIOLIN.

Here is a good story the late Frederick
DouglosS used to tell about himself:
Once when he was in Dublin he felt very
lonesome. He was wandering about the
streets, when he was attracted by two
violins in the window of a secondhand
dealer. Frederick entered and asked the
price of one of the instruments
Five shillings sor'' said the Irish
dealer.
Frederick tuned the violin and began to
play Rocky Road to Dublin" Soon the
proprietor's wife heard the music and en-
tered the rear door. Then Frederick
started In on The Irish Washerwoman,'
and the couple began to dance for dear
life When the music and dancing stop
ped Frederick rendered the dealer the
five shillings, but his performance on the
violin had greatly enhanced its value in
the mind of the storekeeper, and, as he
hurried away to place of security, he
exclaimed:
IF black nagur can git such chunes
out of that fiddle, III never sell 1t at any
price, begorrahi"-Buffalo Express.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
AN ESSAY ON NERVE.

Say, pa, what is nerve said john
ME.
There are several kinds of nerve,
my son. answered Mr.. Johnson. IF
you can eat candy with sensitive teeth,
you will discover what nerve is. l call
it nerve, too, for my neighbor Hodge
kins to come over and ask me. as he
did last night, if he can borrow my
lawn mower for a while and then ask
if my son Johnnie wouldn't like to
take a little exercise and NOW his
lawn for him. Lawrence Telegram.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
HERE'S A SOFT JOB.

Here is an advertisement from an old
copy of an English provincial journal
Wanted, for a sober family, a man of
light weight, who fears the Lord and can
drive a pair Of horses. He must occasion
ally wait at table, Join the household
prayer, look after the horses and read a
chapter of the Bible. He must, God will
ing, arise at O'Clock in the morning, and
obey his master and mistress in all lawful
commands: if he can dress hair, sing
psalms and play at cribbage, the more
agreeable. Wages, Is guineas year."
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
READY TO SHAY.

Private Fillibus sat in his tent, and
it was evident that trouble filled his
breast.
Whats the matter?" one of his
comrades asked. Are you homesick?"
NO" the sad youth soldier answer
ed. I'm heartsick. Before l left
home a girl by whom ! thought was
loved got me to give me her my belt
buckle. Now my brother writes me
that she has attached 1t to her dog g
collar. O, / wish they'd hurry up the
advance upon the Spaniards. l want
to shoot. cleveland Leader.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
HIS ONLY OPPORTUNITY.

Hattie" said the clerk at the
blanket counter in the department
store, speaking rapidly and in an I'M
dertone, 'just a moment. Will you
what is it, sir? Harness department?
Six aisles down. Hattie, do you think
you could-furniture madam? Third
floor. Take the elevator. Hattie. I'd
like to Mountaineering ma'am?
Third counter to your right. Blankets,
sir? Right here. Wait on you in a
moment. Hattie, will you marry me?"
Eyes, Tom,' whispered the girl at
the nation counter, still tapping
with her pencil on the showcase.
"Ca-a-a-a-ash!"- Chicago Record.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
ABLE DEFENSE.

Prisoner at the bar, have you any,
thing to say before sentence shall have
been passed on you for sandbagging
this man."
We'll your Honor, tried to get his
money peaceable; l offered i'm his
choice of the shells, poker, an craps,
and he wouldn't stand fer none of EN-"
indianapolis Journal.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
SHE WAS BASHFUL.

Mr. Peet, very diffident man, was
unable to prevent himself being intro
duced one evening to fascinating
young lady, who, misunderstanding his
name, constantly addressed him as
Mr.. Peters, much to the gentleman s
distress. Finally, summing up the
courage, he earnestly demonstrated
ooh, don't call me Peterscall me
Peet!"
''Ah, but 1 don't know you well
enough, Mr.. Peters," said the young
lady, blushing, as she withdrew behind
her fan.-Weekly Telegraph
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
EXPLANATION OF TERMS.

Wingle-Why call it a toothbrush
You should say toothbrush" unless
you happen TO have but one tooth
Wangle-Nonsense; one does not say
"shoesbruSh.
Wingle-No, because he brushes but
one shoe at a time.
Wangle-But how about hair
brush ?"-The Town and Country Jour
nal
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
HER EXPERIMENT.

Jacks mother knew you could get
along without girl all right, and it's
much more economical Now you've
tried 1t, don't you like it?"
Jacks wife obviously We'll, like
everything else, 1t has its pleasures and
pains. l had a row with the iceman,
but then the policeman on the beat
kissed me-Life
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
COMFORT.

Young Man ION train)-Say- conduc-
tor. woman asked me to take care of
this baby for a moment, saying she
would be right back, and now they tell
me she got off at the last station. Ooh
what shall l do?
COnductor-Brace up, young fellow,
and don't let it worry you. Any
woman who would do thing like that
isa't worth bothering about.-Life.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
EXPLAINED AT LAST.

He-Why is it, | should like to
know, that a woman never hits what
she throws at? Is it due to some fault
in the construction Of her arm?
She-No. A woman never throws
anything until she is~so mad she can
not see straight.-Cincinnat Enquirer.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
BIG ENOUGH TO sPARE

Fuddy-Do you think It's possible for
two persons to Hive on dollar a day
Duddy-If dollar is as big as II looks
in the eyes Of some men, / ShouId say
that two persons might live on Il in
definitely and have plenty OF room to
walk about on t."-Pearson's
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
A QUEER DELUSION.

Mrs. Grumps docking over the pa
per)-A New York man is to be sent
TO an insane asylum because he thinks
he is dead and among the angels.
Mr.. GrumpS-Humph His wife.
mother-in-law and servant girl must
be very different from the general run
of women.-New York Weekly.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
HIS AWFUL BLUNDER.

Singleton-Dr. Pellet is certainly the
most absent-minded man / ever saw.
Wederly-Is that SO?
Singleton-Yes; he was married last
week and during the ceremony when he
should have placed the ring on the
brides finger he actually felt her pulse
and asked her to put out her tongue
Chicago News.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
HIS PROPORTIONS

Going out to take spin with
Freddy Slim, are you?" said her cou-
sin.
That's what he has brought the
tandem around for replied Miss
Quickstep. Il have never seen him in
kniekerbcckers before, and I'm
afraid I'll have to do all the pushing"
Chicago Tribune
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
HARROWING,

'Have you finished ploughing the
ten-acre lot asked Farmer Richland
of his son.
Yes"
Then you may now attend to the
narrowing details.-Pittsburg Chron-
icle Telegraph.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
-
HER ANCESTORS FOLLY.

She-Yes, my grandfather was a
member OF the United States Senate"
He-That's too bad.
She-Too bad? What makes you
think so?
Think how rich he might have
II. you If he hadn't spent so much
money getting in there.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
HON. HE SOLD IT

i've been trying to sell that gown for
30 for a month"
And how did you finally succeed
II marked it up 70 szI-4s. and tho first
woman who came along thought she had
a bargain"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
MODERN EDUCATION.

Grandpapa-I'm afraid, Edith, you
are giving too much time to your
lessons. You must come and stay
with me and grandmama in the coun-
try, and bring back some color to those
wan cheeks.
Edith tagged u, top Of her class for
grammar)-Those two cheeks?
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
UNNECESSARY ADVICE.

"You may co. said the magistrate;
"and 4 advise you, in future, not to
threaten your wife"
The individual who had his head in
bandages. and his arm in sling, turn
ed away sullenly.
"An he gifts $4,000 year fer sayin'
t'ings like dat!"-Puck.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
A COUNTER PROPOSITION.

Young man." said the parson. do
you know you are rapidly travelling the
road that leads to destruction?"
Well, then replied the rake. gIanc-
ing lovingly at his bike, why don't Won
pitch in and help to give US good
roads ?'-Pbiiadelphia North American
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
HIS INTENTIONS WE'RE GOOD.

why, Freddie" exclaimed the
mother of a precocious 5-year-old,
aren't you ashamed to call auntie stu
pid? Go to her at once and tell her
you are very sorry"
"Auntie," said the little fellow few
moments later, I'm awfully sorry
you are so stupid. Chicago News.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
IN TITO COUNTRY.

Mother-Look! look! Pussie, there's one
of those maple trees you've always want
ed to see so much.
Pussie (having examined 1t with great
care and no small surprise)--well, NAM
ma, dont wonder they have TO boil that
old thing a long time to make maple
sugar out Of it!-Brooklyn Life.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
HEAD OF THE FAMTLY-AT TIMES

Bilkins-I called at your house to
see you to-day and noticed that your
wife referred to you as the head of the
family.
WilkinS-Huh! Out collecting bills,
weren't you?-New York Weekly.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
SECRET DISCLOSED.

Mr.. r. Conomie-Did you write to that
man who advertises to show people how
to make pu6dings without milk and have
them richer?
Mrs. Il. Conomie-Yes, and sent him a
quarter.
What did he reply7"
Use cream. STRAY Stories.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
AN ALUMINIUM.

Mrs. Hunt--You surprise mel ]
didn't know that Miss Flash was a
college graduate.
Mrs. Bluns-You didn't? Why, shes
one Of the aluminium Of Vassar coll
lege.-Ricshmnnd Dispatch
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-07-31
ON THE BEACH.

Female voice from the water-Oh,
just look. girls, can float alone.
Jack Hardup Ito fiimselD-Lucky
girl, | can't even negotiate touch
Town Topics.