The Forrest City times. [volume] (Forrest City, Ark.) 1871-1919, 1898-04-29
Old Maids Convention,

teit OF conventions, and it was believed
That the end had been reached with the
butchers and bakers and candlestiek-
makets" meet, when 10, the announce
ment was made through trumpet and
press that the old maids would hold a
convention at the opera house, April
20, 1898.
AT an early hour the opera house was
well Tiled with as happy crowd of fun
loving people as ever graced the house,
all in whirl of conjecture as to who
would acknowledge themselves ''old
maids" About $50 the delegates be-
gan TO assemble aud soon the stage was
llled with representatives from all
parts OF the country and elsewhere,
ana u was no misnpmer to cali them
old" for they looked it every inch.
Order being observed. as far rs it
was possible among lot of old 'uns,
the President, Miss Angelina Electro
lima Uyponostra Clark. Of Byhalia,
called the convention to order After
roll call by Secretary July Polyfiip,
very ancient and very deaf maiden, the
d
ing short OF buzz saw could have re-
ported that speech. and her chances to
secure our reporter as husband dis.
appeared when he pictured what would
be his happiness il she handled II
broomstick as well and as fierceiy as
she punctnred the air with her GEES
lures. Man seemed to be the absorb
ing topic in her address.
After some discussion, songs, etc, the
Convention resolved itself into an ex-
perlence meeting. each old maid relat-
ing her experience with man. Varied
were their experiences, and as they pic
tured how their chances passed them
by" they acknowledge with deep
drawn sigh the truth of the lines of
the poet
lis better to have loved and lost,s
Inan never TO have loved ut all"
Miss Samantha Whooperup, chair
man of the committee appointed to re-
port on the "marriageables, presented
the following paper:
Hen. President and Convention.
Your committe on ''marrageables' would
ask Al careful consideration OF darliavs pre-
sented in ,his report:
Charley Lewis-Give him a ham sandwich
and put him in his little bed. Heis no good
M the girls III 0ufIsttuuUm coulu not cap
ture him. His ma must make him stay at
home and learn him To quit foong The girls
Marshal Gaines-Why lie has given up in
despair and is now waiting for the war To be
over, so ne can 30 to Cuba and get senoritu.
He Is stuck on Betsy Bobnit, and Chief of POI
lice Noh had To place guards over her 70 keep
HIM from carrying her OFT.
Squire Raiford-Thunder, He don't want Il
wife. Got no business with one--wouldn't
know what to do win her If he had one. Poor
old fellow. pity him. Let some OF US try to
convert him.
DIR. Whie-Oh, dear C how long will you
I5 ID an old bachelor? You are hereby notified
to stop your visits TO Byhalia, pretending you
are going tie see pa and ina, This committee
IL on 10 your racket.
Fay.us izard-Now you are a talking. There
is the man that takes the cake. On, my, the
dear old fellow. why don't some OF you take
him in.
John Womaek--Johnny, Johuny. My john
ny was shoemaker, "lie was my sweetheart,
| was his" Yes. he was. but he went 10
Burnt Cane, and when he came back he was
beyond endurance, and now he VIII have 10
pay the penalty OF the wild life at Burnt
Cane.
Linn Turey-Linn. dear Linn, how sweet
you are win your military air He is going
10 the war and get lost and the cannibals eat
him up.
Troy sanders-Our committee had 10 take
MS case up win great caution ana prudence,
owing to the very weighty and fragile charac-
ter OF the gentleman, but finally decided that
II he go 10 kiondike and get rich they would
u
mltee said she would take him just as he was.
Col. Jack Casteel-The committee has noti-
fled Jack TO have his carriage III the parson-
age next doomsday and his BRIDE VIII be there
awaiting him.
jim Aiey-He is a good CATCH lie has got
the rocks by the carload since he embarked
in the laundry business. Sisters, catch him
ere ii is too late.
Col. Ed Landvoigt-Oh, he's getting too old.
He's away past the notch. and nis only hope Is
up in Minnesota.
4. waI
has caused us great deal of trouble. aud he
rs even now trying to get in the legislature 50
ne cuil get laws passed 10 make us pay stump
age. But we hope hell change his mind and
pass IL law TO provide us all with good nus
bands. He is worth catching. q
}. IA. Coller-If Miss Mary Anna Ark was
only here tonight we would settle his hash,
and make him know his place amoug the
benedicts.
Max Durborow-This young man has been
too conspicuous among us. He Is too Young,
and must wait several years before he will be
allowed to propose to any OF u.s.
John Brady-Capt John Brady of the Horse
Marines. feeds his horse on corn and bears.
lie will soon be marching to the time OF The
Girl left behind me" and OH suppose some
of the Cuban girls should capture MIN. What
shat we do.
Dewitt Davis-Here is q man that amt go
ing TO the war, and we must all try aud take
care of him. We have got him ON our hands,
and we must do the best we can. Let's make
him our mascot.
After an original poem by Miss Ara
minta Bumpass, entitled Pm 20, the
Convention took recess to "see
man.
After recess the convention was
thrown into furry Of excitement by
the announcement of the arrival OF
Miss Miffkins with Their celebrated
Rejuvenaling Machine. In the mean
time it WAS noticed that number OF
'mariageables" We're among the audi
rnce, and the old MAIDS not wishing
their opportunities like sunbeams pass
them by" resolved to dispose of Them
selves by auction. Capt. JAS. Russell
volunteered to act as auctoneer, but
with dill his persuasive eloquence he
failed TO get higher lid than three
for dollarn Several trios were SOLD
AT that price, but the purchasers failed
10 call Tor the goods. remarklng that
they were too old for them. Ye scribe
bought fair damsel, with corkscrew
curls and poke bonnet. for dime, but
failed to claim his purchase on account
of remark of an Old maid that "he
didn't get much" The auction fur