The age-herald., 1898-10-11
MR. DOOLEY ON
 THE INDIAN WAR
From the Chicago Evening Journal

From the Chicago Evening Journal
 "Gln'ral Sherman was wan iv tn smart est men we iver had" said MT. Dooley. "He said so many bright things. Twas him said: War is hell, an that's wan iv tn finest sayin's know anything about. War is he'll tis a thrue wurrud an fine sintiment. An Gin'ral Sherman says: Tn only good Indyun is dead Indyun.' An that's good sayin, too. So, be tn pow CTS, we've started in again to improve tn race, an if we can get in Gatlin guns enough before tn winters snows we'll tur-rn thim Chippeways into eimitry branch iv tn Young Mems Christyan asso- citation. We will so
 "Ye see. Hinnissy, tn Indyun is bound white civilization. I come along an find of Snakes-in-His- -Gaiters Twin quiet an dacint in a new frame house. Thinks I: in possession iv this fine abode an him in possession if this fine abode an him not able fir to vote an without frind on tn polls force.' So says I: Snakes says, get along, gays l, I want yer house an ye best move out west iv tn thracks an dig hole fir yeerself,' says 'Divvle tn fut will l step out iv this house. says Snakes. I built it an I have tn law on me side,' he says. FIT why should 1 take Mary Ann, an Terrence an Honora, an Robert Immitt Snakes an all me little Snakes an rustic out west of tn thracks,' he says, far firm tn bones iv me ances- tors.' he says I'm jist as civilized as you,' says Snakes I wear pants he says. 'Ye might wear tin pairs says I, an all at wanst,' l says, an ye'd still be a savage says I, 'an' I'd be civilized I says, if I hadn't on so much as a bangle bracelet says. So get out says l, fir tn pianny movers is outside r-ready to go to wurruk,' I says.
 'M ell, Snakes he fires a shtove lid at me an I go down to tn polls station an says l: Loot says 'they'se a drunken Indyun not votln' up near tn mills an he's carryin' on outrageous an he won't let me hang me pitchers on his wal,' says l. Vile sav- age,' says tn loot. I'll tache him to ray spict tn rules iv civilization, he says. An he takes out a wagon load an goes afther Snakes Well, me frind Snakes gives him battle, an knowin tn premises well, he's able to put up gr-reat fight, but afther while they rip him away an have him in tn pathrol wagon with a man settin' on his head An then he's put undther bonds to keep tn peace, an they sind hin on. west of tn thracks an 1 move into tn house an tear out tn front an start d faro bank. Some day whin I git tired or tn Swedes anrive me out or Schwartz meister makes his lunch too strong fir com petition, I'll go afther Snakes again.
 Th only hope fir tn Indyun is to put his house on rollers an keep a team hitched to it, an whin he sees a white man, to start fr tn settin' sun. He's rooned whin he has cellar. He ought to put all tn plugged dollars that he gets from tn agent an be pickin blueberries into rowlin stock If he knew annything about balloons he'd have chanst, but we white men, Hn- missy, has all tn balloons But annyhow, he's doomed, as Hogan says. In onward march iv tn white civilization with mor- gedges an other modhren improvements is slowly but surely, as Hogan says, chasin' him out, an the last iv him'l be Twin in alvin bell somewhere out in tn Pac-ffic ocean,"
 Well" said Mir Hennessy the stout phflanthropist, "I think so, an thin agatn.g l dinnaw. I don't think we threat ths-F Fright. If 1 was tn government I'd taN what they got, but I'd say: Here, take thia tin-dollar bill an go out an dhrink ye-erl self to death,' I'd say. They ought to have some show"
 ''Well,' said MT. Dooley, Eff ye feel that way ye ought to go out an inlist as an Indyun."