The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 18??-1935, 1898-12-02

COLUMBIA HERALD: Fl
MELANGE.
Nonsense and News, Odds and Ends,
Wise and Otherwise.
"What's Your son doing now?"
ooh, living like locomotive"
what do you mean?"
ooh, running around all day and
smoking"
Examiner: "Want to enlist as an
army nurse for Egypt, Ell? Had any
experience with the sick and wound
ed?"
Fair Applicant: 81 should think so.
Pve four brothers, every one of EN-
scoTcher, and pa shaves himself with a
safety pr."-rid- Bits.
Kerrigan-"Doye z believe IN dhrames,'
Riley?"
Riley-"Oi do"
Kerrigan-"Phwat's it a soign av
WI en- married man dhrames he's a
bachelor?"
Riley-"It's a soign that he's going to
mate with great ppoimtment-
when he wakes. Silt Bits.
Monsieur De France-You wind up
re clock to make him go?
English Tutor-EXactly!
Monsieur De France-Zen what for
you wind up re beesiness to make him
stop?-Jeweler's Weekly.
Little Nettie accompanied her par
ents on trip across the lake recently,
and, after being out a short distance
she began to get seasick. allow do
you feel, Nettie?" asked her mamma.
"Oh," was the reply" II just feel like l
wanted to unswallow my breakfast"
The Memphis Commeroial-Appeal
credits the following to the Hardeman
Free Press: "These here astronomers
make us dead tired. One Of them pre-
dicted we was going to have a big show
ef of metaphors last week, and nary Il
star shot across the cherubic blue"
Bobby-Mamma, am | lad?
Nam ua-Yes, Bobby.
Bobby-And is my new papa my
step-father?
Mamma-Nes.
Bobby-Then am his step-ladder?-
Success.
An old lady entered the big depart
ment store. She walked to one of the
counters. "I want to get something for
boy of ten," she said.
"Sipper counter, two aisles to the
right" snapped the salesgirl, and the
old lady walked over.-Philadelphia
Call.
Admiral Sampson owns farm near
PALMYRA, n. Y, on which Joseph Smith,
the founder Of MOrmOnism, was said to
have dug up the golden plates on which
the Book of Mormon was inscribed.
The Latter Dav Saints tried to buy the
ground in 1893, but the Admiral re-
fused.
Smith What kind of business is
| Brown engaged in?
| Jones' Pneumatic, ! think.
Smith - Pneumatic! Why / never
heard Of business like that.
Jones-Well, whatever il is, he's run
ming it on wind.
| "Come and dine with us morrow"
said the old fellow who had made his
money and wanted to push his way into
society.
"Sorrv," replied the elegant man, 81
can't. I'm going to see Hamlet"
"Tnat's all right" said the hospitable
old gentleman; "bring him with YOU"
Tit Bits.
"George! she screamed, "my neck!
"What's the natter"
"There's pillarcatter-"
"a whatw
"A tapekiIler-"
"What i'm the world do you mean?"
"Oh, dearv she moaned, as she clutch
ed him franctically, "a kitter- pa Ter!
YOu know, George: a patter- killer!
"Ohw saiu George with evident relief,
and he proceeded to brush the future
butterfly away.-Selected.
ooh, Bridget, told you to notice when
the apples boiled over"
"Sure, did, mum; it was a quarter
past eleven. "-Savannah Press.
The highest waterfall in the world il
CholoOk Cascade, at Yosemite, Cali
fornia, which is 1884 feet high, or half a
mile.
Winter
Lap Robes and Horse Blankets
Large stock and prices right. SCI
If SATTERFIELD Il DoDSON.
What Mans Body Contains.
A bowlful of sugar.
Enough salt to provide a dinner
party.
Enough gas to fill gasmeter o
$3.50 feet.
Enough iron to make five carpe
tacks.
Enough carbon to make $3.50 leat
pencils