Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-05-29

the Virginia Volunteers The young ras-
cal had detached it from his coat while
l thus conversed, and l, deep in my ef-
forts to please him, had failed to note
this sacrilege to me and General
Lee. But after all. there amt no
use kicking. It's just like a Billy goat
butting at steam locomotive. Things
VIII keep a-moying. I'm thirty-three
years behindhand, and maybe I'm shop
worn, too. I'll never have my say again,
unless it's on tombstone. And to think
Of those blue uniforms!
The Commander-in-Chlef has the ut
most contempt for newspapers, and so
little does she read of current events that
II 1t were not for the neighbors she
wouldn't know that We are now having
war with Spain. She spurns the grand
est efforts Of Journalism, and thinks that
there is nothing worth reading in the
papers. save the dry-Soods ads" the
death notices, and the want" column.
She devours the latter without fail, and
generally knows 1t by heart before she
finishes. And 50, too. with the obituary
notes and their attendant poems and
Scriptural selections But dearest Of all
nay, dearest Of the dear-to her soul are
the columns which tell Of the great re-
auctions in dry goods and of the splendid
bargains which those who come early
and avoid the rush" may obtain at these
establishments.
And so IL was no wonder that I re-
Gently caused her to prick her acute ears
when l looked at an enticing
big display lad" and uttered an exclama-
ton of profound astonlshment. Gee
whiz," murmured, "what will these dry
goods stores have next?"
''What?" she Intercepted.
She never wastes syllables with me, for
she expects even a hint OF her wishes to
insure an immediate response.
Il see they have a three-footed thing
on the remnant counters there" was my
reply, and my lips quivered. They al
ways culver when I am about to spring
joke, but inasmuch as the Commander
in-Chief has never yet been known TO see
the point Of a joke, she failed to take
the cue.
"a three-footed thing?" she querled.
why what in the name Of goodness is
it?'
"a yard-stick," was my 1ocose reply,
as 1 had spasm after spasm of mirth.
Right here let me confdentially remark
that no one enjoys my own jokes more
than 1 do myself. In fact sometimes l
am the only person who does get any
euJOymenL out OF luem.
OF course, tho Commander-in-Chief |
never so much as cracked a smile "Well. |
You men may think that's very funny" |
quoth she, but 1 don't see any point in |
it at all. All the yard-sticks 1 ever saw |
had SO inches"
And with her teeth she bit of piece of |
thread from a spool, and, contemptuously |
Ignoring me, she began TO sew a pair of |
boys pants on button.
They are talking lots about a drummer
who used to belong to the Richmond
Light Infantry Blues. He didn't show
Up at certain parade recently, and SUBJ
sequent investigation proved that the
man resided in Manchester-not that this
had anything to do with his being a base
drummer. however. While crossing over
The Free bridge, he and the base-drum
md all fell over into the river. They say
hat he is now beating his way to Cuba.
Laughter)
In this same organization, there is an
,ther man, the son of worthy sire, who
S a great stickler after military dis
ipline and strict obedience to orders II
vas while washing recenty-the soldiers
till wash, you know-that this youth
to the receptacle of the water:
Basin, L place you under ar
est. You are half full"
I'm mighty glad they've gotten that
title goat at Camp Lee, although they
ay 1t is quite young. Beardless youths
Who have been shaving for months and
annot yet raise moustache are only
90 glad to compromise with a goatee.
n olden times soldiers didn't have such
cts, but l have frequently read Of bat
ering rams in armies, and see no reason
Thy a goat shouldn't fill the bill
lst as WELL This one certainly takes a
sep interest In the war. and they say
hat he devours all the literature on the
ubjsct which he can find, which. by the
ray, is proof positive that he fills the
III The animals only fault is, that he
chews the rag too much. and shows a
Isposition to ruIninate on the tents.
Nothing but a fear that the Com
would be after me with
writ of habeas corpus has kept me
ON enlisting in this war. She says
lat I'm not worth the powder and shot
would take to kill me, and that she !
,esn't intend to impose upon the Span
rds in this way. l now mind the babies ,
IF a Sunday" when the housegirl is off.
nd. incidentally, ] may say, in the Ian ,
lage Of ]. Caesar and NJ. 4. Cicero:
inter arma non silent infantes." :
THE IDLE REPORTER. :
1 a