Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1898-02-14
HUMOR OF THE DAY.

oue uScu 10 De so Qellcate before
she took, to the wheel. well, she's
indelicate enough now." Detroit
Journal.
First Tot-''My mamma says, IF
the shoe fits, put it on. >" Second
Tot-"My mamma says IF the shoe
fits, take it off-it's too big. Puck.
The Captain (boisterously)-"Com
old man, brace upl What's got into
you?" Passenger-'If you don't put
me ashore you'll very soon see. Life
Minnie-''In my opinion one wheel
is as good as another" Mamie-'I
suppose there is not much difference
in rented wheels. Indianapolis Jour-
nal.
"1ou must get rid of the Oirish ac-
cent, Mike, if you want to git on. Yet,
shure, L was tin years in London be-
fore 1 could git over it meself New
York Journal.
Style in the Far West: "The Smiths
put on lots of style, don't they?"
''Well, 1 should say! They have in
dividual cyclone cellars up at the
Smiths. Puck.
Scientific Methods: Birch-''Riches
have wings" Pine" Possibly; but
most millionaires seem to have sue
ceeded in clipping them pretty sue.
cessfully!"-Brooklyn Life.
Speaking of runs" observed Me-
thuselah, ''Ive just scored my ninth
century" and he cut another notch in
MS stick and continued to roll down
the ages.-Chicago Tribune.
"Horseless carriages are getting to
be quite common i'll the East now"
Eyes; but they are not as numerous
as the voiceless opera singers. Gin
! ,innati Commercial Tribune.
Wadford-"Did you catch anything
on your fishing trip?" Bilfer-''No,
didn't catch fish," Wadford-"Say,
Bilfer, that's the strangest fish story
I've heard yet. "-Roxbury Gazette.
After the Slide: He lat the ball
game, enthusiastically)-"He's safe!"
She (earnestly)-"Oh, 1 do hope so,
but the way he went downl / thought
he'd break his neck. Brooklyn Life.
Fiction: "Monster" she exclaimed.
Her very look meant volumns in the
old romantic school; in the fiction OF
the preaent day it could be adequately
disposed of in forty pages. Detroit
Journal.
'Arry-"What kind of people do
you have down here m the season?"
Old Salt-f'Well, sir, all kinds; some
very common, some real gents and
ladies', an some like yerself, sir, 'alf-
and 'alf. Tit Bits.
The Correct Idea: Weary Willie
'Ef you he'd a million dollars, Fields,
wot would you do wit it?" Flowery
Fields-"W'y, 1 wouldn't do nutt'n'
wit it'd jest rest easy and let it do
sutt'n wit me. Truth.
The Professors Soliloquy: "Yes,
my memoryis is certainly getting better.
Now L remember distinctly enough
! that my wife told me to tie string
about this finger. If I only could
think what forr-Judge.
A political speaker accused a rival
of 'unfathomable meanness," and
then, rising to the occasion, said, Il
warn him not topersist in his disgrace.
full course, or he'll find that two of us
can play at that camel I-Tit-Bits
Ruth-''I understand Percy High
life has stopped trying to trace back
his family tree. l suppose the further
back he went the harder it got?"
Freddy-"Yes--and the further back
he went the harder his ancestors got,
too. Puck.
Papa" said Billy, tearfully, after
a playful romp with the good-natured
but rather rough st. Bernard puppy,
81 don't believe Bingo knows what
kind of dog he is. He plays as if
he thought he was little pug
Harper's Bazaar.
81 hear you are about to build a
fine residence" said Mr.. Tenspot to
Mr.. Crewe Doyle. eyes, stree, " re-
piled the man of newly-found wealth.
'It is going to have piazzaro in the
front and Porto Rico in the rear. -
Harper's Bazaar.
Philanthropist-"I am surprised
that lady of your refinement and
good impulses should wear dead
bird upon her hat" The Offending
One-'But then, you see, live bird
would fly away unless it were tied on,
and that would be cruel, you know"
Boston Transcript.
The Cornfed Philosopher: "There
is no doubt" said the oracular and
bumptious neophyte, ''that the way to
a mans affections is through his stom-
ach." ''And yet," said the Cornfed
Philosopher, sit is not man who ex-
poets ice cream and such to be bought
FOR him. indianapolis journal.