Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1898-03-21
HUMOR OF THE DAY.

Nobody seems to care much whether
he kisses the bride at silver we'd
ding or not.-.West Union Gazette.
He-"Did she say why she left her
last place?" She-''Why, the woman
she lived with sneered at the wheel
she rides. Puck.
''Lend me a dollar, old man."
"Can't; only have a half" "That's
all right; you can owe me the Other
half. "-Princeton Tiger.
Duzby-"Do you regard thirteen as
an unlucky number?" Dooby-"Cer-
tainly I do; aren't they always abus-
ing it?"-Roxbury Gazette.
Spendley-"well, if my money
should go, dearest, you'd still have
mel" Mrs. Spendley-"Don't you be-
too sure about that!'-Puck.
''Now, when you ask papa for me.
be sure to face him like man."
'"That L will. He doesn't get any
chance at my back if can help it,
Standard
Mrs. Goodenough-''Now, Johnnie,
won't you sit down and tell me why
your papa whipped you?" Johnnie
''No, nam; I'd rather stand and say
nothin'. Judge.
Guest, lin cheap prestaurant) )-"Here,
waiter, this meal is simply vile. I
won't pay for it. Where's the pro-
prietor?" Waiter-"He's out at lunchs
sir. philadelphia Record.
ST am very sorry, Captain Brown,
but circumstances over which I have
no control compel me to say no.''
May I ask what the circumstances
are?" "Yours. "-Pick-Me-Up.
''Is it true that Rakeup has been in
search of buried treasurer" 81 guess
it is. He said something to me about
diving into his wifes pocket for cash."
Philadelphia North American.
.- .s@-''I thoroughly enjoy looking at the
advertising pages after the holidays
are over" "Any special reason?''
"Yes; here and there see something
my wife didn't buy. Chicago Rec
ord.
Reporter-"How much do you want
written about that dime museum freak
with rubber neck?" Editor
Were short of matter to-day; stretch
it out to a column. "-Norristow
Herald.
He-"1've ripping new naughty
story to tell you. I don't think I've
told it you before" Shells it a
real good one?" He-"It is indeed" "
She-"Then you haven't told it me be-
fore. Standard.
''Waiter, do you remember me?
came in here yesterday and ordered
steak" Waiter-"Yes, sir. Will you
have the same to-day?" Customer
eyes, if no one else is using IT,
London Answers.
OldFoggs-''In this natural history,
Thomas, it states that thrush feeds
its young no fewer than two hundred
and six times day. What have you
to say. to that?" Thomas-"Wi
was young thrush. STANDARD.
Jack Bachelor" $50 your late uncle
left you all his money when he died,
did he?" Bob Buffer (disgustedly)
-"No, not all. The mean old duffer
had to go and leave two hundred and
fifty dollars Of it for tombstone. -
Judge.
Mrs. Fogg-"One can never tell
what to believe. Mrs. Jones says the
Wimpers fight like cats and dogs, and
Mrs. Brown says they are the happiest
couple in town." Fogg-'T don't see
as there need be any inconsistency in
the two stories. Some people are never
happy unless they are quarreling. -
Boston Transcript.
"What pretty illuminated cardsp'
exclaimed one woman. 'That one
with the motto, Honesty is the best
policy, is especially NICE" eyes,"
replied the other. "I brought them
from Europe, and the best of it is, I
got them through with lot of other
things without paying a cent of duty"
Washington Star.
'.Shall we shoot or hang him?"
asked the vigilantes. The methodical
man of business paused to think.
'Let us not be hasty," he said, 'for
hurry begets criminal waste and ex-
travagance. The first thing to do is
to learn the price of rope, .and com
pare it with the price of ammunition"
Philadelphia North American.
Dying Millionaire-"I have been
much in litigation, always successful,
too, and I feel that I owe everything
to the lawyers. I want them to have
all my property" Attorney-"Aht
You wish me to make will, then, be-
queathing-" Dying Millionaire
''Cutting off all my relations and be-