The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1898-11-07
THE MACHINE MADE NAN.
fHE INVENTORS ARE COMPLICAT-
ING HIS TOILET.
ma IL II . Very Serious Question
whether the Many SO-Called
Improvements VIII COnduce
New York Evening Post.

New York Evening Post
among the commonplace white and yell
low envelopes that compose the bulk Of
ones correspondence, appear from time TO
.ime DAINTY spis;les on United paper, adorn-
60 with emolazoned crests or monograms.
ma. ha'' think when one Of these APP
pears here a. last IS something worth
opening For between ourselves, reader
mine. most old bachelors love 10 receive
remembered by the dear creatures. and
recalls the time when life was beginning
and poulets in feminine writing contained
delightful possibilities.
Only this morning an envelope OF deli
cate Nile green. directed in a high-bred
hand, caused me distinct thrill OF ant;ci-
contain nothing less attractive than de-
eiaration, SO. tearing II hurried!y open. I
read: "Mesrs. Sparks & Splithers take
pleasure in calling attention 10 their patent
suspenders and newest designs in reversible
paper collars.
Now. il that is not enough to put any
would like to know what is? Moreover.
l nave patents in horror. experience
having long ago revealed the fact that
Of doing fast and eheaply something that
well.
this land OF ours is degenerating into a
paradise OF the cheap and nasty. but al
low themselves to be heated and cooled
msnt Of their nerves e ana disest.ons. quite
as matter Of course, under the impress
sion that they are enjoying the benefits OF
So complex has life become in these
later days that the very beds We lie on
and the meals We eat are controlled by
patents. eaa,;s Every garment ;, and piece 6. OF
ventor. from the hats on our heads 10 the
carpets under our feet, which latter are not
only manufactured, but cleaned and shak
en- by machinery. and (be it remarked en-
passanO lose their nap prematurely in the
process To satisfy our national love OF
The new and complicated an endless and
season. so-called labor and time-saving
combinations, that enjoy a brief hour OF
vogue. only to make way for a newer
series of inventions.
AS long as TIE genuses confined them
selves to making life one long and breath
less scramble, it was bad enough, but a
ding with the toilet began. This. alas!
was not done. Nothing has remained
sacred to the inventor. In consequence.
the average .up-to-d date American is a walk
ing collection Of Yankee notions, an in
genious Illusion. made up Of patents. re-
QAring as nice adjustment to put together
and undo as q OVERWHELMING warrior.
and carrying hardly less metal about his
person than a Crusader OF old.
There are a number of little haberdash-
cry shops on Broadway that have caused
me to waste many precious minutes gaz-
ing into their windows. and wondering
what the strange instruments of steel and
elastic could be that were exhibited along
side of the socks aid ties. Their uses
would, in all proba oility, have remained
wrapped in mystery but for the experi-
enee OF one fateful morning after night
hidden things were made clear, as I sat
an awe-struck witness 10 my fellow pass
eniEerstoiletss Mo- Getting their ma
would be more correct expression.
We read that in other days tags" were
the backbone of the toilet. different gar
ments being held together by their aid.
Later buttons and attendant button-holes
were evolved only TO be replaced by the
modern devices used in composing the ma
chine-made man: AS far as my investiga-
tons went land l have overcome ma
tural delicacy in thus making my discov
cries public, because 1t seems unfair to keep
all this information to MYSELF as far as
I could see, nothing SO archaic as a button
hole is enjoyed at the present time by self
respecting Americans. The shirt. for in
stance. which was formerly such simple
minded and straightforward garment.
knowing no guile, has become, in the lands
OF the inventors. a mere pretence. frail
scaMold, on which an elaborate supeEtruc-
ture of shame Is erected
The varieties of this garment that one
sees in the shop windows. exposing virgin
bosoms to the day. are not what they seem!
Those very bosoms are fakes, and cannot
open, being pie:ced here and there by eye
lets, into which bogus studs are fixed by
machinery. Inc owner is oOilgeu 10 enter
into such willy and deceptive garments
surreptitiously from the rear, by stratagem.
as IL were. why all this trouble" one
asks 'for no apparent reason except that
the old-fashioned shirts opened in front,
and no Yankee viii wear a non-patented
garment-if he can help it?''
There was not. as far as I could see
single accessory Of the toilet In that car
which behaved in normal way. Buttons
mostly backed into place. taii-end fore
most dixie horses getting into shafts).
some hidden mechanism screwing or clinch-
ing them 10 their moorinss.
Collars and cuffs fonce integral parts OF
byrinth, in which all but the initiated must
lose themselves. They are doubie-decked,
detachable. reversible and made of every
known substance except linen. The cuffs
most In favor can be worn four different
ways. and are attached to the shirt by a
visible below the coat sleeve is regulated
by another contrivance, mostly OF elastic,
worn further I'D the arm, around the BIZ
ceps. Modern collars are retained in posi-
tion by a system OF screws and levers.
Socks are attached no longer with the old
ness similar TO that worn by pug dogs.
A travelling neighbor. after lacing his
shoes, adjusted a minute contrvance. re-
sembiing black beetle. its mission being
TO prevent the knot from becoming undone.
He also wore "nygfenic s6penders' a dis
covery Of great importance lover three
thousand patents have been taken out for
this ore necessity Of the toileto. The bet
ter class of braces perform several tasks
al the same time, such holding unmen-
tionable garments in place. keeping the
wearer erect. and providing a night-key
guard They also cure liver and kidney