davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02

'Tt's this way he began, as he
stepped out of the doorway in which
he had been lurking and barred my
way-..Its a nickel f1r drink
nickel for a bite to eat-a nickel for
the privilege Of sleeping on a plank
under shelter. Three nickels makes
makes fifteen cents. An l k'reet?
Fourteen cents wouldn't do, and six
teen would be one over, and a useless
expenditure of wealth. Will you come
DOWN."
l leaned against the lamp-post and
looked him over. A man of fifty-old
before his timeEweak and feeble-his
voice crecked ard quayering-a human
wreck being driven in upon the beach
of the sea Of life. Some OF US pass
such f1otsam by in brusque self1shness;
some of US care TO pause for moment
and observe and consider
"These things they call fame and
wealth and position are queer things,
eh?" queried the man, as he came
nearer and reached out his hand TO
brace himself against the post. Was
it last week that | rode down this
street in my own carriage, with scores
of pedestrians eager to get bow from
me? Was it yesterday morning the
papers were saying | was the strong
est man in the party to be put up for
governor? Say, its queer, amt it?''
Then / remembered him-remem-
bered him as one whose wealth, intel
lect and position mad made the aver
age man seem a bigmy by contrast.
There were years when the earth was
at his feet.
perhaps you SAW me in the olden
timer" he said, with a sad smile. las
the chairman of t. lie meeting was rea-
dy to introduce me- stepped upon the
stage-so, and advRnced-so, and as |
bowed right and left the audience
would cheer for five minutes. Then /
would hold up my hand-Jhus, and the
silence would be so deep that you
could hear your watch tick. They said
| had a magnetic p1esence and the gift
of oratory. 1t must have been so. l
could make strong men choke up and
the tears come, and l could make men
leap from their chairs and cheer and
veil until they wdre hoarse. Queer,
amt it? Say, do Hook like a Cicero
tonight? Would YOU take me for
bcndholder? Am lcarrying the poll
tics of the State in my vest pocket!
looked at him wi(nout answering.
"A man who has distributed ms tens
of thousands of dollbrs now begs for
pennies" he unused, las he walked 10
and fro with his hands behind his back.
THAT is from the pinnacle to the
depths. Queer, queer. Just before YOU
came along a policeman took me by
the neck and slammed me into the
street Ten years ago | had but 70
wink an ey g to havF pollce captain
bounced If | said the WORD even com
missioner would hawk TO go. Egad!
but there's hrmor hfre-grlm humor.
Let MS rub our hands and laugh to-
gether!"
His laugh was S TRANCE sound-so
strange that l held up( my nand IN pro-
fest. and his skinny hands gave forth
a rasping sound as hF rupDed them
over each other.
But why weep whe1 we can laugh?
he asked, as he looked away and IN
dulged in many gestures say, my boy,
the only thing in riches ls-rlches' l Nc
ri.b nan IL not Sasonhasi--@'- =
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
WHERE JONES GOT AHEAD.

cone season. when | was advertising
aoant for a circus" said the man who
- ridIng over the road On dead
head pass, 1--WE we're taking IN Indiana.
1t was part of my duty to see that bills
were put on the farmers barns and
sheds for ten miles around town. Two
or three tickets to the circus always
satisfies the farmer. About seven miles
from Terra Haute a farmer had just
finished building and painting thump-
ing big hOrse-barn alongside the read,
ana when | proposed to give him
family ticket for the privilege OF past
irg up score Of big posters on the
clean surface he hung cif. | coaXed
and argued, and he finally said If
would include all his relatives in free
mass might 70 ahead. knew that he
t had a family of six, and figured that
he might scare up brother with about
six more. The advertising was worth
that and 1 made out the pass and toe
my men to put up the bills
And how many relatives did he
scrape together?'' was asked.
Let me tell you something replied
the agent. The farmers name was
Jones, and on the day Of the circus the
Joneses began to arrive in Terra Haute
soon after three o'clock in the morn
ing. They came in wagons, on foot,
and on horseback. A patriarch OF
Jones almost ninety years old was the
flag to which they rallied - they ar
rived. He had list OF every Jones in
the county, and he called the roll and
checked them off. About a hundred
had shown up by the time the sun rose,
and they kept dropping in till high
noon. They kept together in vacant
lot. and when the last one had arrived
our manager was wild. There were
lust 4S0 men, women and children en-
titled to enter the big tent under the
terms of that pass"
Couldn't you buy them Off querled
the man who had spoken before.
Couldn't be done, sir. l went to the
| Jones who had my pass and offered
him SOS, but he was sot. Then
started in to raise a row about the
number of people, asserting that ne
was trying to work outsiders in on US
| That was no go, either. They were all
! Joneses. and all related, as they could
prove by citizens Of the town. In
! deed. there was a township in which
| every farmer bore that name and was
cousin to the mar next to him. The
| old patriarch stood at the entrance and
called out and checked off. and the
Joneses made up just a third of our
audience at the afternoon performance.
The first one who went in was named
! Abadiah, and the last was Zadoc. and
between them every name in the Bible
was called out at least twice. 1t was
a mean trick on an innocent circus
man, but they weren't satisfied until
| they had rubbed it in for all they were
worth at the finish
! How was that?"
well. they all marched out after the
performance. two by two, and getting
| together again in a crowd, the old
| patriarch offered a PRAYER to Heaven
| that none OF 'em might be made any
the worse for having yielded to tempta-
| ton an sat through three hours Of sin
| and frivolity."
! Downright. 1895 BY The International
/ Literary and News Service)
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02

humorist-not a logician. He knows SO
little Of his fellow-man that when he
sees man who toes-in or toessout he
wonders how it came about. There
were years when my greatest trial was
the buying of $4,000 worth Of wines
per year. | was afraid Of false labels
and weak bottles. Nowadays-say, let
US indulge in a jolly laugh-ha, ha! ha,
A drink at the fountain has taken the
place Of rare old vintage We were
speaking about humor in poverty. A
couple Of hours ago, and a block fur
ther up the street, q pedestrian threw
away the stub of cigar, and two Of Us
belonging to the depths jumped for II
at the same time Result: COLLISION
ostration-destruction Of the stub.
Then we sat together on the curb and
laughed. There is a smile in the re-
membTance that my cheapest trand
used to cost fifty cents apiece. 1nere
is a gurgle in the idea that a pades-
trian who would have once licked my
boots now turns me down WITH
threat There is hearty laugh In be-
ing sworn at by the car-drfver m
pioyed On a line you once owned tdthe
laat dollar. Verify, my friend, it Il 1nol
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
paper raised the price of pickles a dol
lar q harrnl that uinfarin


lar barrel that winter!'
"Once mo-, sah-once mo-" huskily
upon. Egad, sab, but the way that Gu
cumber business dropped out of his
continued the Kurnel, as he gazed long
ingly into the vast emptiness of the
glass at his elbow "A certain editor
had characterized me as a relic of the
Drift Period | could not mistake his
meaning. 1t happened that he was the
last of the fraternity on which | had
to call. When had introduced myself
l said:
'Mistah Nightingale, I plead guilty
to having lived long number of years.
but l have called this afternoon to con-
vince you that notwithstanding my ad-
vanced age l can still hold pistol-a
pistol. sab, and that | can count the
shirt-buttons on 2 man at ten PAGES.
Will you take a walk with me in the
grounds of my friend Judge Irsko, or
would it be mo- convenient for you to
meet this relic of the Drift Period at
sunrise tomorrow mawnin'?'
"The next issue of that editors paper
was out day ahead of time, said the
Kurnel as his eyes tinkled with salts
faction. He was in hurry to set me
right, sah--to give the number of my
battles at seventeen and my wounds at
five, and to announce that my nomina-
ton as State Senator was equivalent to
an election. Beautifully done, sab
bewtifuly done for country editor
who wasn't posted on the Drift Period,
and he has ever since insisted on send
ing me copy of his paper free. There
you were, sah-Kurnel Bunker VS.. the
editorial fraternity of the second Sen
atorial district-Kurn Ell Bunker VS.. the
Cucumber-Kurnel Bunker VS.. the
Drift Period. An the Kurnel still lives,
sah-still lives, and should it meet with
your approval, sab"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
''KURNEL BUNKER !"
He Tells Of Several Calls Made on Several
Editors,

"Egad, sab, but must write that edi-
tor personal letter thanking him for
his courteousness, said Kurnel Bun
ker, as handed him a newspaper clip
ping which spoke highly of him as a
soldier and politician. Eyes, sab, an
autograph letter will please him in re-
turn, and he will treasure it up among
the archives for his grandchildren to
read"
As the Kurnel looked around he
found what he was wishing for at his
elbow, and after critically. examining
the two straws and making choice of
the longest, he settled himself back and
said:
When l began my political career
the press did not take kindly to me. l
had come back from the wah to make
a place for myself, and the stay-at-
homes resented what they called my
impertinence. The press was controlled
by the stay-at-homes, and at the first
mention of my name there was a howl
OF derision and defiance all along the
lire. Egad, sab, but some of EN- went
so far as to say that l was made Kur-
mel for being kicked in the leg by an
army mewl! 1 was called crank and
a pretend2r, and kindly advised to con-
fine my ambitions to the mayoralty of
a village. 1t was the freedom of the
press-but they did not know their
man. Kurnel Bunker, who broke the
lines at Chantilly and wanted to turn
Little Round Top at Gettysburg, was
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02

appointed a time and place to test the
question. When the day came there
was a great gathering OF Hoppers and
Frogs, and the distance was measured
Oil on the banks OF a river. 1t was
agreed that the Frog should jump first,
and this he did, and whep he covered
only six feet and eight inches of ground
groan went up from his side and a
cheer from the other. Then the young
Grasshopper gathered his legs under
him and made mis- jump, and 10, ne
passed the seven foot mark and landed
IN the whirling waters of the stream
and was carried away to be drowned.
MORAL:
don't know as it's any of my bust
ness" observed the old Beetle, who had
been a spectator to, the Gontest lint II
where he is going to bring up is a heap
smarter than the one who simply wants
TO get somewhere"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
HUMAN WRECK.
The FIotyam Which Drifts About Great City When
Night Falls.
Night Falls.

so bad-it is not so bad. Only you know
you know
And he stood with extended hands
and a helpless lock on his face. he
was reaching for the past, but there
was no substance.
1T won't come back" he whispered,
as he let one Of his hands fall upon my
arm. When a man reaches the pm
nacle, then look outl l had taxed my
strength too much. Instead OF forcins
against the tide | began TO drift with IL
Godl but you can't imagine the fesiinS
when a man who has led a million peo-
pie finds himself hating and hesitating
and inclined to give place to some one
elsei 1t is merciful that it is soon over
with. I spoke Of logic in connection
with riches. The rich man has no use
for 1t. / revel in it day by day. am
down. | am a wreck. 1t is not far 10
the end. 1t is logic to be as happy as |
can until the end comes. More logic:
There comes a policeman. If l stood
here alone he'd bang me into the
street. AS We seem TO be toSether ne
went do any banging, not knowlng
what sort of a pull you may nave al
the city hall"
The officer came up slowly. glanced
al the old man in threatening way,
but passed on without word.
I'VE are living said the wreck IN an
absent way, as he turned from looking
after the officer, but only the man VINO
has lived in all atmosphere gives q
thought to the philosophy Of life |
used to think the world was created for
me alone. | almost believed that money
would keep away old age and detth.
Now mingle philosophy with my free
lunches. | have found out that ! am
only one out of hundreds of millions,
and that the millionaire's door-yaro
covers only half an acre. Once | mad
power to shake a continent. When |
went down the world moved on as If
had never been. More logic: Learn
that the world revolved before men
had power and place. Well, sought
this interview with an object.
handed him quarter.
Three fives and no overplus," he
said in protest. More philosophy
more logic, my boy. Sufficient unto the
night is the good thereof. A drlnk-a
bite to eat-a bed. The overpius mlght
lead to an extra drink and failure 10
find a bed. IL not, IL WouIu We 9toi@A
from me. When one in my position Is
supplied with what he needs DO not
tempt him to indulge in Injuries. Inc
three fives will do rye beautifully"
"You are none the worse, and have
been considerably benefited by this
chance meeting. You have parted
with a trifle in cash, but you have rub
bed elbows with another side OF lie.
1t broadens and libera,izes one to do it,
Most men walk about fondly believing
they represent life-that what they
think, feel and conclude is the opinion
Of the world. Nonsense! The con-
ceit of mankind would be appalling II
it were not so ridiculous. Did you
speak?'
! Il shook my head"
"You ought to open YOUR mouth now
1 and then and give your lungs caloric
! Well, the II. w. is gratitied TO the ,
| NJ. and will now proceed to invest the
f. c.. In other words, the Human
/ Wreck, which is me, returns thanks e
the silent man. which is you, ana VII
-',,al=a-nsa of the fifteen cents 10 aiV'
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
AMERICAN FABLES.

GRASSROPPER AND THE FROG.
Once upon a time young Grasshop-
per got the idea that ne could outJump
anything on the earth, and he went
about with his ears cooked up and his
head swelled to twice its normal size.
An old Hopper who had kept an eye
on him. finally felt it his duty to say
Look here, Reuben, you can jump
seven feet without touching -DIa9e 81
grass, and that's pretty smart 'hlns
n do but don't get struck on yourself
The Frog can jump as far as you can
and no one ever hears him brag ABOUT
IT. -
Say, cid man, the Frog isn't IN II
with mel exclaimed the boastI1,
young Hopper lie is keeping sun
because he knows can beat him. just
let him jump with me if ne dares''
This def having come to the FROG he
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
HE KNEW HIS BUSINESS.

II took out living picture show
once said the theatrical manager, and
| had several queer experiences.
I'VE always had trouble getting suit
able music, for one thing l remember
that we struck certain town where the
music was furnished by a seedy, freckle
faced young man, who officiated at one
of those bangety- bang pianos. l asked
him if he could think of music suitable
to each picture as it was displayed.
Certainly he could, and do it i'm
promptu.'
''The performance opened. He was
seated at the piano. and he turned to
look at the first picture. 1t was Adam
and Eve in the Garden of Eden"
He didn't hesitate an instant. Like
a flash he turned and began pounding
out There's. Only One Girl in This
World for Me- Chicago Journal.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
THE PEACOCK AND THE CLAN.

A Lobster who had just returned
from 6 long and adventuresome jour
ney across the country was questioned
by the Clam as to the incidents of his
trip, and he declared that the most
beautiful sight he encountered was a
bird called Peacock. The richness
of the plumage was beyond compari-
son, and the figure of the bird could
not be improved. So much was said
that the CLAIMS curiosity was aroused,
and next day he set off on a journey
to view the wonder for himself When
he had come to the place the Peacock
struttedI before him with tail expand
ed, and the Clam had to acknowledge
that the Lobster had not overdrawn
things.
Surely" said he to himself, "a bird
with such figure and plumage must
have voice far sweeter than the
nightingale. / will ask her to sing"
with the greatest Of pleasure" re-
piled the Pecock when the request
was made, and .thereupon she opened
her beak and uttered such squawks
ard screams that the farmers wife
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
QUEER FREAK or A SHE'LL

"Shells are queer things" says Nd
miral schley. Il noticed one man
standing with his hands grasping
hammock rail as shell struck the
shin ricochetted and burst. One piece
OF the metal cut the rail On ond SIDE o.
his hand. another cu the other SIDE. 50
that he was left sanding with a Tt,
section OF the rail still grasped irrhiY
hard. Another portioi Of the sheJ
passed over his shoulder and another
between his legs He was surprised
but wasn't hurt"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
AN HONEST LOT.

II knew Just how much money 7
had in my pocket when boarded a
Market street car in Philadeiphoa one
day year ago." said the man with
the pompadour cut, "and when !
dropped of and found myself ffty
cents short was sure that had
dragged the coin out on the seat. The
car had been full OF passengers. and
after sweaF-word or two at my own
carelessness | entered a store. The
man i wanted 70 see was not In, and
afler Dit took car up town.
never should have known it was the
same car took down town, but I was
only seated when a man OF benevo-
lent look came over to me and ouer-
led:
Weren't you in this car going
down."
. can't say
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
M,KINLEY TO MILES.

sez Mckinley to Miles. sez be.
Here's a job, sure, that's cut out foi
Tr,are.g a cross grained ouid don
In the town OF San Juan
That / want ! to 30 an { do.
Sex Sex Mckinley. ser he. 70 Miles.
SEE Mckinley TO Miles. SEE he.
TN AZ you 10 do IN thing quick.
An veil not z bit vex -
~ Won push in his plexus.
shure. y know how % - tn0r1 kanai
thrick,
SEE Mckinley. ser he. 70 Niles.
seq Mckinley 10 Niles, sez he.
Give him wan on Ms Jo0s-1-iar vein
An q counie o. swats
In .ha thin o. IN efats
B' tn way o. reminnberin' the Maine.
SEX mckinley. sez he. to Niles.
Seq Mckinley 70 Miles. seq be.
Don't fool Wild the son-of-a-gun,
Bat keep at him. SEE he.
Tsn he's half fricassee.
That's The kind OF job want done.
Sex MCKINLEY, sex he, % Niles.
Philadelphia Call.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02

MY friends, you have done the right
thing in coming to me. Gail around to-
morrow and l will lave settled the par
ticular nature of the spoil"
When the morrow cane and the dis
putants again visited the Wolf, they
found him picking his teeth with great
complacency Holding up about four
feet of rope, he cut it half and pre-
scented a piece to each Jackal and
said:
1T was neither beef nor mutton, but
fresh pork, and here are your shares of
the spoil"
MORAL:
When the heirs fail to agree the law
yer gets all.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
UNDUE FAMILIARITY CHECKED.

Pretty Polly said the visitor, ap-
preaching the cage. What a.
MY name. interrupted the parrot,
speaking slowly and distinctly, sis Iosen,
and l want nothing. / am meditating."
Hes a queer bird explained the hos
tess. He won't eat anything but beans.
think my husband got him somewhere
in The east."-Chics go Tribune
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
HE OBSERVED soMErd

I'm no kicker" said the
as he paid his hotel bill. but -
II my duty to Observe
Just wait Interrupted the land
lord as he reached under the counter
far his gun. Now, then, you bad got
as far as TO say that you feel u your
duty to observe
ITO observe that you have gun,
sir" -,
Nothing furtherT'
Nothing further, except to nope
that Won won't let It 90 of Until after
I've departed"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
THE THREE TRAVELLERS AND
THE FARMER.

AS three travellers were making
their way along a highway they came
to a field, in which a single animal
was standi in the shade of a tree.
IF l only owned that horse 1 should
not have to plod along in the dust and
heat!' sighed one of the wayfarers.
'Horse!" contemptuously shifted
the cond-"why, that's a COW plain
enough, and when 1 think of ice-cold
milk it makes my thirst all the great
er. You must have lost all your sense
to call that al horse"
at seems that l am travelling with a
couple of idibts!" exclaimed the third
man after d long look. "One calls
that creaturel horse and the other a
COW, and Yeti it isn't mule, then a
turnip is a potatoi"
only a blind man would call 1t a
mule!" hotly Exclaimed number one.
And If it sn't cow. then I'll fight
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
- -4a-aasa=--ss---@ y 7aa-
REFINED CRUELTY.

wlllle-I think old Moueybags Is ths
meanest man ever knew.
Mf!ne-Whet has he done2
Wflne-Bought FOR his daughter mn-
sicai parlor CLOCK which plays Home.
Sweet Home" at 10 O'Clock. Tramp.
Tramp. Tramp" at 1875 and Tommy.
Get Your Gun at io:3l.-Jeweier's week
W.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02
HE CARRD

He stood under the awning ON
ton dry goods store with closed .
brella in his hand and the rain comif1
down in a steady pour, and as ne
watched the people passing with shei-
tiers over their heads he turned to the
man beside him and growled;
well, we are a curious people"
Eyes, sir, very curious, replied the
other. who had no umbrella and had
been almost soaked.
I'VE invent the umbrella. We man
ufacture them by the millions. We pay
out our money and lug them around
and swear over losing them, and yet,
sir, and yet"
And yet | left mine at home" fin
ished the man.
THAT isn't the point" continued the
other. Not one person In thous-
and knows how TO carry an umbrella
Look at that man. He is protecting
his back and exposing his knees See
that woman. Her toes haven't been
struck by a single drop of rain, but her
shoulders are as wet rs sop. WHAT
the use of an umbrella II you can car
ry il so as to keep the rain on
Eyes. what's the use?' echoed the
other as he shivered with the damp
ness.
l"some one ought to set up school
to teach folks how TO carry umDreilas.
Look at me, for instance. walked
mile before stopping here, out 40 !
look like a dish-rag hung up 10 airy
Feel me. Is there any dampness on
me?' w..
mo dampness and no flies, sir. YOU
know your business
well | know how to carry an
brello Nine-tenths CT these pq
might as well carry fish nets az
Does an umbrella held way on
way off there, protHct the o1
ehould be carried right here.
here. Don't you see how
tected?"
certainly. Yes, sir, yoY
a mile and be as dry as
| have taught me somethi
Il am glad of thai
! I'd teach the whole town.
! see YOU hold it as | do. Th
| Now walk up to tie corner
| to rub your nose on the
don't drag your heels
| YOU. Walk erect IN
| You'll come back witho
, ting you
| The man walked out
awning and up the sire
steady pace and perfecuy
| the other rubbed his haI
led. Half an hour later
! hing and chuckllng n
| the 81 umbrella had re
Hello. Haven't you
la?" queried friend W
mo | thought the
of the people in this tow
how to carry an umoreil
mistaken The very hrst
led on the subject went OIL
and I've got to get one tor
/ with"
| downright. 1895 by The. I'M
| Literary and News serv'
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-02

the most gratifying returns to all con-
cerned. And as a climax, sir, / wish
you-good nlght-good night"
Copyright. 1893. By The Intarnatjonal
Literary and News Serxlcel