The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1898-09-20
Dooley on Anarchists.

From the Chicago Journal
tbs hazard bein' king these days"
said Mr.. Dooley. "Mannys tn man on a
throne wishes his fatherd brought him up a
cooper, what with wages bein' locked be
parlymints an ragin arnychists r-runnin'
wild with dnnymite bombs undher their
ar rms an carvin' knives in their pockets.
"Onaisy, as Hogan says, is tn head that
wears crowen. They'se other heads
thatre onaisy, too, but we don't hear Nv
thlm. But man grows up in wan Nv
thin furrin' countries an he's thrained
fr a dooce or jack at tn most, but
ne has to follow tn same line as his
father. IT'S like pawnbrokin' that way.
Ye niver heerd iv a pawnbroker's son DOM
arnything else. Wanst a king always a
king. Other mems sons may pack away a
shirt in thrunk an go out into tn
worruld brakin' on a freight or ladin'
Indyanny bankers up to shell game. But
a man that's headed FIR a throne can't
r-run away. He's got to take tn job. If he
kicks they blindfold him an back him in.
Whin he goes on watch he's cinched. He
can't ask FIR his time at tn end iv tn week
an lave. He pays hmsilf. He can't sthrike
because he'd have to ordher out tn polls to
sub1oo himsif. He can't go to tn boss an
say: Me hours is too long an tn wurruk
Is taJlous Give me me pay-check.' He has
no boss man can't be indipindint onless
ne has boss. 'Tis thrue. So he takes tn
place, an tn chances ar-r-e he's tn biggest
omadhon in tn wurruld, an knows no more
about r-runnin' country thin know about
ladin' an orchesthry. An IL he don't do
anything he's a dummy, an If he does do
anything he's crazy, an whin he dies his
foreman says: Sure, it's tn divvle's own
time 1 had savin' that basthoon firm de-
sthroytn' himsilf If it wasn't f'r me tn
poor thingd have closed down the wurruks
an gone to tn farm long ago.. An wan
day whin he's takin' tn air, praps along
comes an Eyetalyan an says he: ARE We
king? That's my name,' says his majesty
Bother dead says the Eyetalyan, an they'se
scramble, an another king goes over tn
long r-road.
81 don't know much about arnychists. We
had thin here-wanst. They whit again
polismen mostly. Mebbe that's because Do
lismen's tn nearest things to kings they
cud find. But, anyhow, 1 sometimes think
l know why they're arnychists somewhere
an why they amt in other places. 1t ray
minds me iv what happened wanst in me
cousin Terence's family. They was livin'
down near Haley's slough in wan iv OIL
Doherty's houses, not Doherty that you know
tn finer. a good man whin he don't drink
NO, twas an Of crouch iv a man be the
name of Malachi Doherty that used to keep
hve-day notices in his thrunk an ownded
MS own priytt jistice iv tn peace. Me cousin
ference was as dacint a man as liver shoed
hor-rse an his wife was a good woman
too, though I niver took much to tn Do1sns.
Firm Tfpperary they was an too hanly
THROWN things at We. An he had nice
family CROWN up an 1 niver knowed peo-
pie that lived together more quite an amya-
Bile. Twas good FIR to see thin settin'
ar-round' tn parlor, Terence spelln' out tn
newspaper an his good woman mendin
socks an Honoria playin' tn Vale Nv Avoca'
on tn pianny an the kids r-rowlin' on tn
fure.
But wan day 1t happened that that whole
family begun to rasp on wan another. Hon
oria'd set down at tn pianny an tn OIL
man'd growl: FIR tn love iv tn saints, close
down that hurdy-gurdy an lave a man injye
his headache An tn good woman scolded
Terence an tn kids pulled tn leg firm
undher tn stove. an whin tn big boy Mike
come home firm Omaha he found none iv
thin speakin to tn others He cud do naw-
thin. an he wint FIR Father Kelly. Father
Kelly shifted TIL air whin he oce in an
says he: Terence. what's tn matter with
ye'er catch basin?' 4 dinnaw' growIed Ter
ence. Well says Father Kelly, we put on
ye'er hat this minyit an go out FIR a plumb
err he says. I'm not needed here he
says. 'Yeer sowls ARE all right, he
says but ye'er systems ARE out of order
he says. Fetch in a plumber he says,
whilst goes down to Doherty an make him
think his lease on tn hereafter is Detective
he says"
"Ye'er Fright" said Mr., Hennessy, who
had followed the argument dimIy.
CIV coorse I'm fright" said Mr. Dooley.
What they need over there in turin coun-
thries is not priest, but a plumber IT'S no
good prayin' agin arnychists, Hinnisy. Army
chists is sewer gas"