The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1898-09-02

must be dead, because there seems to
be line ruled straight through my
life, and the things which happened on
the further side of the line are not
real. look over this diary, and see
some references to Mr.. Toller, and to
some champagne, and coming into
money. l cannot for the life of me
think what it is all about. suppose
the incidents described really hap
pened, unless was mad when wrote
Rbout them. l suppose that am not
dead since l can write In book, and
eat food, and walk, and sleep and wake
again. But since I see them now
these people that fill up the lonely
places-I must be quite different to or
binary human beings. If ! am not
dead, then what am I? To-day came
across an old letter signed Julia Jar
Wis.," the envelope was addressed to
me. I wonder who on earth she was?
July "a man In a frock coat came
to see me, and talked about my best in
terest He wanted me, so far as l
could gather, to come away with him
somewhere He said I was all right,
or, at any rate, would become all right,
with little care. He would not go
away until said that | would kill him.
Then the woman at the farmhouse
came up with white face, and said
1 would kill her too. I positively can
not endure people. l am something
apart, something different. am not
alive, and l am not dead. 1 cannot
imagine what am.
July 16.-I have settled the whole
thing to my complete satisfaction. l
can without doubt believe the evidence
of my own senses. l have seen, and l
have heard. know now that am
god. had ALMOST thought before that
this might be. What was the matter
was that ! was too diffident; had no
self-confidence; had never heard be-
fore of any man, even clerk In an old
established firm, who had become
god. I therefore supposed it was i'm
possible until it distinctly proved to
be.
had often made up my mind to go
to that range of hills that lies to the
north. They are purple when one sees
them far off. At nearer view they
are gray, then they become green,
then one sees a silver network over the
green. Vhe silver network is made by
streams descending in the sunlight.
climbed the hill slowly; the air was
still and the heat was terrible. Even
the water which drank from the run
ming stream seemed fiat and warm.
AS I climbed the storm broke, ] took
but little notice of it, for the dead that
had met below on the moor had told
mo that lightning could not touch me.
AT the top of the hill turned, and saw
the storm raging beneath my feet.
1t is the greatest of mercies that
went there, for that is where the other
gods gather at such times as the light
ming plays between them and the
earth,' and the black thunder clouds,
hanging low, shut them out from the
sight of men.
Some of the gods were rather like
the big pictures that have seen on the
boardings, advertising plays at the the
ater, or some food which is supposed to
give great strength and muscular de-
velopment. They were handsome in
face and without any expression. They
never seemed to be angry or pleased or
hurt. They sat there in great long
rows resting, with the storm raging
in between them and the earth. One
of them was woman. Ispoke to her,
and she told me that she was older
than this earth, yet she had the face OF
young girl, and her eyes were like
eyes that I have seen before some
where. 1cannot think where saw the
eyes like those of the goddess, but per-
haps 1t was in that part of my life
which is forgotten and ruled off with
line. 1t gave one the greatest and most
majestic feelings to stand there with
the gods and know that one was god
ones self and that lightning did not
hurt one. and that pne would live fer
ever.
July 1s.-This afternoon the storm
returned and hurried to the meet
Ing place, but it Is far away to the
hills, and though climbed as quickly
as could the storm was almost passed
and shey had gone.
August IL was told in my sleep
that tomorrow I was to go back to
the hill again and once more the gods
would be there, and that the storm
would gather round us and would shut
us from profane sight, and the steelly
hghtnngs would blind any eye that
tried to look upon us. Fer this rea-
son have refused now to eat or drink
anything; am a god and have no need
of such things. 1t is strange that now
when I see all real things so clear
ly and easily-the ghosts of the dead
that walk across the moors in the
sunlight and the concourse of the gods
on the hilltop above the storm-men
and women with whom 1 once moved
before became god are no more to
me than SO many black shadows. l
scarcely know one from the other, only
that the presence of black shadow
anywhere near me makes me angry
and l desire to kill it. That will pass
away; it is probably some faint relic
of the thing once was, in the other
side of my life on the other side of the
line which has ruled across it. Seeing
that l am god, it is not natural that
I can feel anger or Joy any more. AL
ready all feeling of joy has gone from
me, for tomorrow, so l was told in
my sleep, am TO be betrothed to the
beautiful goddess that is older than