The herald., 1898-08-06
Dooiey In Doubt
About the Philippines


81 know what I'd do i'll was Mack" said
Mr. Hennessy. I'D hist a flag over tn
Philippians an I'd take In tn whole lot
iv thin"
"An' yet" said Mr.. Dooley, "'tis no,
more thin two months since We larned
whether they were islands or canned goods
Ye'er back yard Is so small that ye'er COW
can't turn r-round without buttin' tn wood
shed off tn premises. an We wudden't &c
out to tn stock yards without takin' ou
policy on ye'er life. Suppose We was
standin at tn corner Nv State sthreet an
Archey r-road, wud we know what car to
take to get to tn Ph'lippeens? If ye'er sor
Packy was to ask We where tn Ph'lippeens
is cud we give him amy good idea whether
they was in Rooshia or JUS wist Nv tn
thracks?"
"Mebbe 1 cudden't," said Mr.. Hennessy
haughtily; but I'm FIR takin thin in any
how
so might be-" said Mr.. Dooley, "If
cud on'y get me mind on it. Wan iv tn
worst things about this here war is tn
way it's maxim puzzles FIR our poor. tired
heads Whin 1 whit into 1t thought al
Ia have to do was to set up here behint
teeth an toss dinnymite bombs into tn
hated city Nv Havana. But look at mi
now. TIL war is still goin' on an liver,
night whin I'm countin' up tn cash I'm
asking mesilf will annex Cuba or Law,
it to tn Cubians? VIII take Porter Ricky
or put it by? An what shud do with tn
Philippians? oh, what shud I do wild thin
can't annex thin because don't know
where they ARE. l can't let go Nv thin
because some wan elsell take thin If do
They are eight thousan' Nv thin islands
with population iv wan hundred mill
yon naked savages, an me bedroom
crowded now with me an tn bed. How
can l take thin in an how on earth am
goin to cover the nakedness iv thin saw
ages with me wan shoot " clothes? An
yit 'twould break me heart to think "
givin' people l niver see or heerd tell IL
back to other people don't know. An il
| don't take thin Schwartzmeister, down
tn sthreet. that has half me thrade al
ready, will grab thin sure.
1T amt that I'm afraid Nv not dom tn
fright thing in TIL end. Hinnissy. Some
mornin I'll wake up an know JUS what ia
do, an that I'll do. But It's TIL annoyance
iv TIL manetime. I've been re-readin' about
tn country. 'Tis over beyant yeer left
shoulder whin ye'er facin east Jus throw
ye'er thumb back an We have it ac-rate as
amy man in town. IT'S farther thin Boohl-
garya an not as far as Blewchoochoo. 1t $
near Chiny an it's not so near. an if man
was to bore a we'll through firm Goshen,
Indianny, he might sthrike it, an thin
again he might not. It's a poverty
sthricken country, full iv goold an
precious stones, where tn people can pick
dinner off III threes an ar-re starvin' be-
cause they have no 'step-ladders. Tn in
habitants is mostly naggurs an Chinny-
men, peaceful. industrious an law-abidn'
but savage an bloodthirsty in their meth
DDS. They wear no clothes except what
they have on. an each woman has five
husbands an each man has FIVE wives.
TIL r-rest goes into tn discard, tn same
rs here. TIL islands has been owned be
Spain since befure tn fire an she's threat
ID thin so we'll they're now up in arms
again her except majority Nv thin which
is thruly loyal. TIL natives seldom fight
but whin they get mad at wan another
they r-run a-muck. Whin a man r-runs
a-muck sometimes they hang him an
sometimes they discharge him an hire a
new motorman. TIL women ARE beauti-
full with langushin' black eyes. an they
smoke see-gars. but ARE hurried an in
complete In their dhress. ! see a pitcher
iv wan tn other day with nawthin' on her
but a basket iv cocoanuts an a hoop-skirt
They're no prudes. We import juke hemp
cigar wrappers, sugar an fairy tales firm
tn Philippians, an export six-inch shells
an tn like. " late tn Philippians has
awaked to tn fact that they're behind tn
times, an has received much American
-miniton in their midst. They say tn
Spanyards is all tore up about it.
II Earned all this firm tn papers, an
know tbs straight. An yet, Hinssy,
dinnow what to do, about tn Philippians
An I'm all alone in tn wurruld Iv'rybod!
else has made up his mind. Ye ask amy
conductor on Ar-rchy r-road, an he'll
tell ye Ye can find out firm tn papers
an If We really want to know, all we hav,
to do is to ask prom nent citizen who car
NOW all tn lawn he owns with safet!
razor But l don't know"
Hang on to thin, said Mr.. Hennessy
stoutly "What we've got we must hold.
well" said Mr.. Dooley, "if l was Macl
I'd Fave 1t to George. I'd say: George.
I'd say, If ye'er FIR hangin' on, hang OF
it is. If We say Fave go, dhrop thin.
Twas George won thin with tn Shells an
TIL questions up to him. '-Chicago Jour
nal.