davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25

| and that he might pull through. The
preacher came in presently to ask Abel
if he was prepared for the great change
about to take place, and added:
You know that it is written that no
liar can inherit the kingdom OF
Heaven"
Yes, I know" replied the dying
man, but / can't be barred out on that
account. I stole dozen eggs once in
my boyhood days, and mebbe that will
be held up agin me, but as for lynn.
the recordin' angel won't have nothin'
set down"
But about that whale and pirate
story?" asked the good man with sad
shake of the head.
THAT was all true to the last word.
I don't think I got the wind BLOWN
half as hard as it really did, and I
know / underestimated the number or
pirates by at least fifty"
The preacher wrassled with him for
an hour. but Abel was firm. Instead
of taking anything off the story he
kept adding to it, and the good man
finally left in despair. Abel began to
weaken soon after that and wished ha
had owned up, but his wife looked at
his tone-nails again and said:
There isn't mite of blue to be seen
about 'em, and / don't believe you are
goin' to die after all. Jest hang to
your story like dog to root"
Well, Abel hung between life and
death for two days, and then began to
improve, and at the end of four days
the doctor said he would get well. In
ten days he was out of danger. and no.
body knew what to think about it.
Some said that he had been saved to
give him time to repent. and others
that he must have been telling the
truth about the whale and the pirates.
but he was lifted right up on the PIN
nacle of greatness. Deacon Spooner
headed a subscription and raised $50
for him, and the aristocracy called on
Mrs. Small in such numbers that she
couldn't get the Monday washing out
until Friday. Abel was hardly fit to
be out when the annual election OF the
Liars club came around. and six OF
the most prominent men in town es-
corted him down to the hall. There
was but one sentiment, and that was
voiced by William Shriner as he rose
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25

ssOh, yes / d1o. I 1ot him ~ the
neck and tail and slammed him around
| for i've minutes, and that took the fight
out Of him. AS he lay on his back,
whining like = puppy, placed my
foot on him and stood there for a
minute with folded arms and posed as
4 hero. There was good deal OF
cheering, as you may suppose, and !
owned the town when left the cage.
It isn't such great thing to overcome
q tiger if you go about it right, and l
didn't deserve half the praise l got"
"But-the scars on your face?" pro-
tested second listener.
81 got 'em same day, but not from
the tiger" quietly replied the man.
Having accomplished one smart thing
l naturally looked around for another.
In field nearby was a vicious old bull,
and when somebody suggested that I
should tackle the job Of overawing him
| was ready at once. To do the thing
up brown l decked myself out in red,
and carried red flag in either hand.
AS 1 got into the field I made straight
for the bull, and for a minute or SO he
must have thought himself dreaming.
7 was within thirty feet of him, and
looking for him to turn tail, when
when he didn't turn
How do you mean?"
81 mean that be uttered a below
that shook the earth for four miles
around and lowered his head and came
for me. I started across lots for a
town sixteen miles away, but was
pitched up on the old fellows horns
and tossed through a barbed wire
fence"
"And the tiger didn't claw your
mo"
"And the bull didn't cripple you?"
mo"
"And you got those wounds on a
rlebian barbed wire fence
Just so. Sorry it was that way
when l had set out to be hero, but l
couldn't help myself. Perhaps it was
just as well, however. If I'd conquered
that bull l was going to tackle a
kicking mule, and I'd have been laid
out for sure!"
Copyright, 1898, by John Brisben Walker)
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25
A LOST sBRExADz

II haven't been 80 hurt in my feelings
since can remember" said the man with
the long hair and the roll OF music.
1.-THE police are very arbitrary at times"
replied the man with two quarts Of toma-
toes In bag.
.NOh. the police didn't interfere. ] had
taken my seat on the front steps and was
tuning up my guitar and clearing my
voice to perenade the object of my affec-
tons. when her father opened a window
above"
And ordered you OFF,
NO, sir"
Threw water at your
mo. SIR
Then what?"
''Brutally informed me that my darling
had been married at four o'clock IN ths
afternoon to a plumber. and was then half
way to Chicago on her wedding tour,'
Copyright. 1855, by John Brisben Walker.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25
HE FAILED ON THE BULL.

The man with the claw-marks on his
face and the lobe of his left ear gone
felt that he was an object of curiosity
to the group and after a time he said:
Il made a fool of myself, and my
case should be a warning to all young
men. l was travelling with lightning
rod outfit through western Ohio when
we struck small town in which a cir
Gus was exhibiting. There were only
five or six animals in the menagerie
part, and one of these was a tiger in
d cage by itself All hands of us had
been drinking little too much that
day, and as we visited the circus and
stood before that tiger we began to
dare each other to poke him up. l
finally offered to bet $25 even up that
| would enter the cage and remain five
minutes
You must have been a very reek-
less man." observed one of his listen
ers.
well, I was twenty-five years old
and full of whisky, and you know what
that means. A dozen different men Of
fered to take the bet, and l thought it
would be the smartest trick of my life
TO win it. The circus folks opposed the
idea, of course, but there were enough
of us outsiders to hold them off. and
we did so. l took another drink, peeled
eff my coat, and the next minute l was
in the cage with that Bengal tiger
Good lands! And how did he re-
ceive your"
We'll, he did heap of growing on
the first go-off, and everybody expect
ed to see me torn to pieces. However,
after / got him by the neck with one
hand the tail with the other"
you don't mean it,"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25
THE OTHER SKATE.

Among the things i can't make out, =
said the New York drummer, is what
becomes of the old roller skate. It's a
matter I've figured on for several years.
but have as yet received no satisfactory
explanation
What do you mean?" was asked.
We'll, when 1 am taking a week in
New York 1 can hardly walk block with
out coming across a boy who is pushing
himself along on an old roller skate tied
to his right foot. l start out on my trip
and visit forty towns in the interior of
the State. In each town l run up against
a boy and roller skate. | get around TO
Buffalo and he is there. I take a run
down to Cleveland, and there are lots of
him. 7 skip over to Toledo, and / find
him as soon as 1 leave the depot /
switch over TO Detroit, and 10, he is there
took the boat from Detroit TO Buffalo
one night. and sure as you live that one
skate boy was aboard the boat shutting
around. have found him at Cape May
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25
MORAL:
THE TRAVELLERS AND THE JUG.

AS two travellers were making their
way along a road in company they
found two jugs which had been lost
from some carriers vehicle.
81 saw them first, and therefore they
are mine." exclaimed the one.
But | know l saw them first, and l
shall possess BOTH replied the other.
After long jaw it was agreed that
each should possess one of the jugs,
but they had scarcely come to an I'M
Outstanding when one of the travellers
remarked;
This cork seems to have been ham
mered in with crow bar, but I'm sure
my jug contains brandy
Then let us exchange"
''Not for Joseph"
st strikes me that you are a low
down., cross-eyed son of a countess"
'And you are sIab-sided, lop-shoul-
dered father-in-law to a duke,"
From words they proceeded to blows,
and in the conflict both combatants
were badly injured AS they lay on the
grass groaning with their hurts and
lamenting the evil in mankind, a
tramp came along and said:
Gentlemen, one jug contains mo-
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25
kpressman leave a pack
nc "a ftorn0uon pr awarded Mr.

kpressman leave pack
this afternoon" queried Mr.
as soon as he got inside the
the other evening.
Eyes" replied Mrs. Bowser, "but ]
hope you haven't developed a new
fad?"
Don't you get worried, my good
woman. / never had what you call a
fad in all my life, and don't think
/ shall run off ON a tangent at my
age"
cts box" continued Mrs. Bowser,
ssandh had an idea that it was an
hone, megaphone, or some other
5f phone. If you have gone and
paid out twenty-five or thirty dollars
for some such nonsense"
'eThat will do, woman-that>w Viii do, >
he interrupted with a dS6rish. "One
has only to look ats6e to realize that I
am not nan who will indulge in
gim,0nkcks and waste my heard-earned
lis. After dinner we will inspect
the package, and if you don't say 1
have made the bargain of my life, I'll
be greatly disappointed"
Nothing more was said until the
evening meal was finished, but the fact
that Mr.. BCwser was so bland and
good -natured made Mrs. Bowser fear
the worst. When they had retired to
the family sitting room he placed the
box on a chair and stood over it and
said:
Before opening this l wish to make
few remarks. OF course, you know
that the blood is the seat of life? 1t
is non-circulation of the blood that
causes half our ailments. If the blood
is stagnant-"
But you are not DOCTOR" inter-
rupted Mrs Bowser.
mot a regular doctor, of course, but
,hat doesn't prevent me from knowing
as much as forty-nine regular doctors
out of fifty. What don't know about
thauhrman blood you will haze to go a
long ways to find out. For instance, 1
have known for long/Meeks that my
blood was stagnant. II have known
that yours needed something to quick
en- it. hays been looking about for a
remedy, but struck it only to-day"
"I<shall refuse to take any patent
medicine without the doctors orders!"
stoutly asserted Mrs. Bowser.
mo one wants you to take any. That
is the idea-the value of my purchase
to avoid the thousands of nostrums
sold for cure-alls. In fact, if you
bought a patent medicine | should
throw it out of the window. l remove
the paper from the package and you
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25

"a July ana ii tlse r
And the old
"As said, mats what bc
10 alwayS the right-fo0t slz1 e.
What has become of the Why
doesn't the boy put on both? lat par
tfcular comfort does he ga1G 4 Of scuf-
mig around on one fo9 As that other
skate lost, strayed or In? Is it minus
wheel and waiting for repairs-ever
waiting? Was there pair of skates orig
lnally. or did the boy trade a hunk of
gum and bsoken jack-knife for the one
skate? I can understand why panics and
wars and calamfties occur-I know some
thing of geology, natural history, astron-
on1y and physics-but / can't solve the
mystery of the one-skate boy and I've
tired of trying"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25
|, up and said:

up and said:
1T will be no surprise when say
that we have among us liar OF whom
we ought to be proud as community.
We are all liars. but we cannot equal
him. There isn't another man among
us who wouldn't have crawflshed when
he found death staring him in the face.
Ananias wasn't slow. but he wasn't
knee-high to the man l now present
you as the next president OF our club. :"
Copyright, 1893. by John Brisben Walker.
CHARLES b. LEWIS.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25

because I don't Eel vhell. und I vl1as
sitting BY der door when man comes
along und says
How about dot money!
"'Vhat money!
Dot $40 900 you found in der alley?'
"'But don't find him.
"'Don't you? vhell. belief you
vhas a hustler, but guess I vhas mis-
took
II like him to come in und explain,
but he won't. He says he vhas in a
big hurry and can't stop. Sergeant,
don't find no $4,000 in der alley"
"NO?"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25

time to look over the old doctor bills"
And Mr.. Bowser never said a word He
just stood with mouth wide open and
wondered whether it was time to gather
huckleberries or go skating.
CHARLES LEWIS.
Copyright, 1898, by John Brisben Walker
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25

presume ne wanted TO KNOW.
'Vhell, dom t, make him oudt. No
body loses $4,000, und nobody finds
$4,000, und yet dot man asks me about
it. 1 vhas SO excited 1 don't sleep all
dot night. Und how about dot man
und a brick? l vhas in my place when
he comes in nit parcel. He looks all
around und says he will lock der door
und be secret. He walks on tip-toe
und speaks in whispers. He puts dot
parcel on a table und takes off ten pa
pers und says
Mr.. Dunder how vhas dot?'
1t vhas a brick.
Ibid you ever see one before?'
"Lots of times, of course
'Vhell, I vhas surprised about dot.
If you ever seen one he vhas Curl
osity. He vhas made of clay, und he
vhas used to build walls. You can't
burn him cop like wood, und he last
ten thousand years.
"Well?" queried the Sergeant.
"Vhell, how vhas dot?" demanded
Mr.. Dunder. Don't l see some bricks
before? Don't l know all about bricks
Must dot man lock der door und speak
in whispers to show me brick? How
vhas it dot sooch things vhas in Amer
lea? Two nights ago some one kicks
on my door und makes a great noise
und scares me awful bad. When look
oudt a Teller says:
"'Hello, you-vhas you asleep when
l kick on der door,
"'Of course l vhas. Vhas der some
trubbles?'
"'I guess not
Ono fire-no robbers?'
"No.
"'But Why you kick on my door?'
"'To see if you vhas asleep or
awake
"Vhell, Sergeant, don't hat no gun
nor dynamite und l can't kill him, but
| like you to put der law after him. 1t
can't be right to speak to me like dot
How vhas it only last night? / vhas
on my doorstep, smoking my pipe,
when a stranger comes along und walks
into my house und sits. down und
pounds on der wall und cries out for
somebody to come along. queek.
"'Who you vhas?' l says.
""Hash Brown
"'Und What you do here?'
"I vhas an orphan
"'But Why you come in my house"
Because she vhas an orphan asy-
lum
"'You vhas mistook.'
"Oh-ah-I see Vhell, a gold cure
vhas shust as good, und you hurry oop
dose fried oysters
Sergeant said Mr.. Dunder, as they
looked at each other ''can you under
stand how she vhas?"
why, it's just our way, you know,
slowly rel piled the officer.
"Und l must be all mixed oop all der
time?"
81 don't know about that"
but | knows. Look at me, Ser
geant! America vhas a great place,
und L like to live here. l shall be
mixed oop no more. | shall protect
myself. When l go home l shall find a
man in my place. He Will look all
around and say:
do you know my name is Brown? ?
'tHe likes me to say no, so he can
say because it amt Black, but | don t
co it-ha! ha! ha, l smile leetle
end reach for my club, und l smile
some more und move along, und in
shust one minute more-pop! bang"
"And-and WHAT" asked the Ser
geant.
He vhas lying on dot floor, und der
coroner says he vhas so dead he don t
know What hit him. Yes, sir-dot vhas
it, und nobody won't bother me no
more und l vhas all X. o. Sergeant
goodday!"
Copyright. 1898, by John Brisben Walker
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25
THEN HE STOPPED.

behold box. The box does not hold
Mr.. Bowser, you have been buying
an electric battery" exclaimed Mrs
Bowser as he paused and smiled bland
ly.
Just So Yes, it is an electric bat
terry. From this night on we shall have
no more neuralgia, rheumatism, lum-
bago, headache or other ailments in
this family. You can figure without a
pencil. l paid $3.50 for this battery,
and our doctor bill last year was Sis.
We save $3.50 year, beside keeping
out of bed. In five years this battery
doctors and drug stores for us, Mrs.
Bowser."
Il knew it was fad-I knew it," she
groaned.
on that term. Why don't you call it a
fad when l come home with a raging
headache and have to lie around for
two or three days, or when you flop
into bed and the doctor has to come
seven or eight times? Was it fad to
pay out SIT drug store bill the other
day? When you talk to me l want
I you to talk sense
well, what are you going to do
Vith the battery?"
fuse it to restore us to health, of
Use. Electricity thins the blood and
8 more rapid circulation. I'll
the color to you cheeks and
pu look five years younger.
e in me aches with rheuma-
\alf an hour hence I'll be
fences. / put on the
attach the handles-so,
ready Take firm hold
I'd will turn on the
protested Mrs.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25

done for when the peasant entered the
presenc of the Cadi and said:
20, wise judge, but as l was going
home last night | was stopped on the
highway and robbed of my ALL"
How much was ito"
"a little short of $500, o. Cadi."
Then let me say that the robber is
dead, and this s397.4S must belong to
you Take it and be thankful to Pro-
vidence."
MORAL:
ooh, | don't know" chuckled the
peasant as he made his way home
wards
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25

THE PEASANT AND THE ROBBER.
A peasant who had been to the circus
and received a bogus half dollar from
the ticket seller in change, was making
his way homeward - night and la
menting his bad luck when he was
halted by a robber who demanded his
money or his life.
Alas. but 1 have fallen from the
hands of a cheat into the grasp of a
robber." walled the peasant.
well, now. but don't you lost a min
ute Smelling out, or you'll think you've
been hit with a ay-stack!' replied the
knight of the road.
The coin was transferred and each
went his way, but as the robber entered
a town he was arrested as a suspicious
character. When searched the bogus
half-dollar was found on him, and the
enraged Cadi cried out
"'Twas base enough to rob, but to
hornswoggle us with pewter coin is
something I don't put up with! Away
with him and kill him with brick
bait"
The robber had Just been decently
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-12-25
AMERICAN FABELS.
THE JUDGE AND THE THIEF.

THE JUDGE AND THE THIEF.
A thief who had been tried and con-
victed for stealing sheep arose and
complained to the judge
20, Judge, but protest against these
proceedings as unlawful and demand
my liberty"
Whats the point?" asked his honor.
81 am arrested, tried and convicted
for stealing a sheep, but l can prove
that it was only lamb"
That's a good dodge, 0, thief, and
I'll take it into account. l was going
to sentence you to year in Jail for
stealing a sheep, but l will now change
it to twelve months in the work house
for stealing a lamb"
MORAL:
No man should bubble over his NUT
ron
The times., 1898-12-18

Cox led the german of thirty-five couples
with Miss Rosalie Augusta Healy as his
partner. The figures were pleasing and
novel. especially the flag figure. the young
ladies in their handsome gowns repre-
senting Cuba, and the gentlemen the
Stars and Stripes. The favors were
dainty and pretty. The patronesses were
Mrs William Beale Hibbs, Mrs. Joseph
p Minetree. Mrs. William Todd Devan,
and Mrs William Nelson Moore Those
present We're the Misses Gilfry. Margaret
Walker, Mary Aisquith, Ethelwyne Bo-
gan. Elaine Young. Cecil Dulin, EcNoh,
Taliaferro. Barnes, Conklin, Elizabeth
Orndorff, Jarboe, Blanche Street, Mrs. j.
Edwin Young, Mrs. Harry King and
others, the out-of-town guests being Miss
Edith Ellet Jones, of Richmond. Miss
Fowler, of Mobile, Ala; Miss Roehrig. OF
Kansas, Miss Clara kirkland and Miss
Ross, of Baltimore Miss Gladys Phillips.
of Trenton, Miss Deiss, of Philadelphia.
and Miss Elliott, of New York. Messrs.
John 3. Johnston, Charles j. Govern,
Raymond Acton, Arthur i. Clark, Geo.
A Mills. jr.: Charles f. Brooks. Thomas
Aisquith, Charles F. Rodgers, George s.
Harvey, VIM. X. Nottingham, Louis w.
and George A. Weaver, DR.. chas. E.
O'Connor, E. Plowden Hickey, jr.; Will
liam Donnelly. William Eastman, Block,
Farnum. West, White. Chesley, Wimsatt,
Titus, Kinney, Guy, King, Beard, Fen
wick, O'Connor. Young. Hodge. Mayer.
Boak, Lewis, Clephane, Browning. Wood
run, William N. Moore, Col Healy, and
The times., 1898-12-18
SOCIAL AND PERSONAL
COming-0ut Tea in Honor of
Miss Hay.
THE CLOVER FANCY BALL
The Little Daughters of Commander
and Mrs. Richardson Clover Are
incoming Famous for the Beauty
and Elegance of Their Annual
Dance-Otber Notes and Comments

The week was brought to a brilliant cli-
max yesterday afternoon by Mrs. Hay.
wife of the Secretary OF State, VINO pre-
| sented her young daughter, Miss Alice
Hay, at a tea given in her honor from 1
O'Clock to Z.
Nothing so beautiful has been seen this
season as the collection of flowers grouped
in the drawing room where the guests
were received. The entire diplomatic corps
was represented by orchids and roses OF
exquisite variety and tint, and the air
that transformed the superb apartment
into bower of bloom.
Mrs. Hay, gowned in mauve satin, in
troduced her young daughter, who stood
beside her a radiant embodiment of the
happiness which has been her lot in life.
Her girlishly pretty gown was a depart
ure from the bride-like whiteness which
conventionality has elected that debu-
tantes shall wear, being of rose pink silk
and chiffon that made a splendid foil for
her sparkling eyes and dark brown hair.
Miss Hay wore a white pompadour striped
silk, with bodice effects in ricn lace
In the receiving line We're Mrs. George
Fraser Miss Elizabeth Warder, Mss Bes-
sic Davis and Miss Josephine Boardman.
The floral decorations In the tea room
were La France roses, and the candles
burned under pink shades.
The brilliant assemblage of guests in
cluded the Vice President and Mrs. Ho-
bart and almost every representative of
the diplomatic corps. The Attorney Gen.
n
met circle in the absence of the other
members, who have accompanied the
President on his Southern trip. and among
the general callers were almost every
body of Importance in the social world.
wicked fairy who wasn't invited to
the Clover fancy ball revenged herself
by making 1t rain. That was the worst
thing she could think of, because 1t would
keep the guests at home and spoil the
party, SO she made 1t rain and rain and
rain.
When the queen of fairyland, who
wears white tulle and spangied wings
and rules all the other fairies, good and
bad, suddenly remembered that II was the
very afternoon that her little favorites,
/, Dora and Beatrice, We're to have their
ball, she sent Vord at once to the
storm king that she wanted blue skies
and sunshine right away. linen the storm
king sent out his sky-boys to roll the
ugly gray clouds away-and that is the
real, for-true reason why the little guests
went TO the Clover ball in such pleasant
weather.
And very wonderful little guests they
were, as they marched together around
the beautiful rooms. There was Uncle
Sam and Columbia, and lot of lads and
lassies from the Kingdom of Mother
Goose. Bopeeps with beribboned crooks
forgot all about their lost sheep and
danced around in fiowered tuckups and
rose wreathed flats.
Little Boy Blue was there with his
horn, and looking very brighteyed and
wide awake too, after his sleep under the
hay stack. Then there were fairies with
star tipped wands. and a pious little nun.
and sailors enough to man battleship-
The times., 1898-12-18

A very enjoyable birthday party In hon
or of Miss Rosie Jordan was given at her
residence, l2l7 Street southeast. on FRI
day evening last Many games suitable
to the occasion were enjoyed and as an
intermission a dainty collation. was served.
Among those present were Misses Viola
Kerper. Rebecca Low, Mary Malone. Edith
Ober. Mae Stephen. and Messrs. VIII Bur
CESS. VIII Carter, Harry Disney. David
Hardester, Robert Smith and Clarence
Turner. Others present were Mr. and Mrs.
Byonstein and daughter and Mrs. Kay
wood