Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-08-28
THE IDLER TELLS OF MS ADyEN-
TrREs IN THE SUBURBS.
Much REFINEMENT AND EXPENSE.
Existence IL One Continual Dream
of street-Cnr Fares-Troubles With
Green Grocers-The Proper Way 10
Eat Corn.


Den and unexpected wealth, you are sup
posed 10 move thither and to cut your
ola friends I know. / have been there
that is 10 say. have lived in such locali-
ties. though have never yet captured
the capital prize in a lottery. IL is not
altogether a foolish pride which prompts
you 20 follow Horace Greeley's injunction
10 Ego West and bel won't say the
rest West Ends have many comforts.
Your neighbors are always nice, and the
men refuse TO SIT on their front porches
IN their shirt slecves-that IS. while their
wives arc Ia town. A general air OF re-
fnement pcrvades the whole atmosphere.
On the hottest days nobody sweats; the
very worst you do is 20 perspire. The
weather Is never bad IN such sections,
though Il IS occasionally Indictment. Poo
pie never get sick; at the worst they are
only indisposed. In fact, nearly every
thing unpleasant IS removed, and before
you have resided in such neighborhoods
a year your LEGS even set TO be limbs
You have no stores up there. stores sug-
gest trade, and trade isn't refined. You
have no butchers and no green grocers'
and no dirt-carts passing, and no organ
grinders and no hokeypokey mcn-in
fact. nothing that would disgrunue even
the most fastidious. You get so dainty in
your habits and so pure in thought after
a short life in this section, that you
wouldn't even use the word mud" in po-
lite society. It is all delicious, and very
ennobllng and purifying. and Immensely
improving. but there are drawbacks. Oc-
casionally even your aristocrauc envi-
ronments don't compensate for the down
town things you miss. Nay there are
even times when parvenus go out in their
backwards and swear. and when most
everybody thinks Greeley had the right
ideas when he offered his advice. For in
stance, there are the car-fares. At first
you laugh at yourself because you give |
the matter a thought It's only nickel !
you know. or six tickets for quarter II
you are foxy. This is nothing TO the
cool breezes and good society-that is, |
It is nothing as long as you have the |
money to spare. But, by and by, when |
your ninth-born has occasion TO draw on /
YOU for such incidental expenses, and the /
whole family takes 70 going down town /
you realize that a car-fare is an enor- /
NOUS thing First it gets as big as a /
dollar. and, then, when you are in /
economical moods, it grows to the dimen-
sions OF q saucer. Later on, when the /
financial market gets stringent, it seems /
es large as a plate. The next week, when /
YOU begin to realize the wonderful melt /
ing capacity Of a five-dollar bill, the car
fare expands 70 the size Of barrel-head. |
And. later, when your employer reduces /
your salary, the once Insignificant nickel |
assumes the enormity of a cart-wheel. !
And, still you ride. You can't do any |
thing but ride, for otherwise you would
have to resign your place down town.
Your every breath is drawn in car-fares,
and you become bitter and cynical to-
wards street railway companies, and /
Of the service in caustic Ian
guage, and excel in sarcastic words con-
corning their lack of enterprise And /
all the while YOU are digging into your
pocket for scent pieces, and so is your
wife, and so are your children. Towards
the last you think the suburban breezes
cost you at the rate of a dollar a cubic
inch. And your neighbors-poOr as your
self, but not willing to own up-swear
that this is an Insignificant item; that
they enjoy the rides back and forth, or
that 1t is sometimes even a pleasure 10
walk down.
II your preacher drops in on you quite
and you observe that his
mouth IS set for fried chicken, you
know that your wife is in despair There's
no such thing as sending around the
block TO the cornoy-grocery, and there
procuring the requisite pabulum for the
clerical throttle. There are no corner
grocery stores in the neighborhood. Your
food should have been bought forty-eight
hours ahead for 1t takes days 80 have
i transported to your occidental resi-
ience. And there's no place where you
can procure Clipped beef-the house
godsend-or a pound OF apple
butter or a loaf Of broad, or cheese or
an extra cup Of ungTound coffee. The
West End has nothing to do with trade.
ind trade, being spurned. refuses TO
thrust itself on this exclusive section.
Maybe, after eighty or ninety expert
,nces OF this sort you learn a little sense,
ma then In case you wish some financial
,ictim Of yours TO take dinner at your
house, you notify your wife IN advance.
This forethought makes you feel COM
ortable. You know that as soon as the
rood woman gets the tip she viii arrange
ne rest You know that with another
II your car-fares she will HE herself into
he plebeian east and there purchase eat
Ibles In advance. And when you reach
lome with the financial victim you feel
comfortable and cosy, and commend
Yourself for your wisdom. But as the
minutes drag on you observe that the
Inner is delayed. Your wife's grim
isaged cOuntenance gets knotty. She
ives YOU the wink and communicates
he startling intelligence that the provi-
ions haven't arrived. And so there you
rait. while the invited guest prstends
hat he doesn't know there's such a
hing as dinner IN the world. Al the
asst minute you surreptiuOusly appeal !
0 your neighbors and borrow enough |
pod 10 meet the awful emergency. When |
GU reach the dessert end OF the feast
rovided you have been able to borrow |
he saccharine material necessary there
or-the grocery boy tardily arrives with |
he beefsteak. lie also places in your
ands the peaches you purchased. Now