Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-06-19
WAS IN OUR MIDST.
CORPORAL J. w. sTARKE GREET
ED THE IDLER LAST WEEK.
4 DlSHIHG CUBAN FILIBUSTER.
Peculiar Grounds for Divorce-An
Ancient Joke About . Preacher
"Creeping Things I'm n Regiment.
Miles to he Court-MartiaIled.

of course-Corporal John w. Starke the
Cuban filibuster and Virginia volunteer.
and the friend OF journalists and the
champion button-holer.
A few months since. when we weren't
quite so mad with Spain as now, and
when some of US were even calling the
Cubans "a lot of darned niggers and po'-
white folks" Corporal John w. Starke
opened his mouth and spake. In clarion
trumpetings. like unto the snortings of
circus elephant, he babe us help the
reconcentradoes, and forthwith named
around the hat in their behalf On every
hustings and on every stump we heard
his dulcet tones and "ante-up' argu-
ments, but we hearkened not unto his
call, and Corporal Starke--poet, soldier,
statesman, compositor and chinner-got
not enough to buy the insurgents sand
bag. We scofted at him and spurned the
worthy cause he represented. Realizing
that prophet is not without honor. save
in his own country, Corporal Starke de-
clared himself a separate and Independent
sovereignty, and at meeting with HIM
self as chairman, secretary, and board
of directors, recognized the belligerency
OF Cuba, and started out to fight for this
pearl in SPANS great oyster stew. The
United States Government officials inter-
cepted him in Florida and shipped him
back C. o. d. to this Commonwealth.
and Starke, like the whale which ran
afoul the torpedo-fish, was seen no
more"
But the seeds he sowed took root, and
to-day we are shooting forty tons of lead
per day at the Spaniards, and all on &C
count of these same "Cubians," whom
Starke endorsed. The saddest part about
It all is that when the tocsn OF war
was sounded our little Corporal was not
TO be found on the face of the map. The
country was in perfect swivel. and Con-
gress perspired freely. Repeatedly did
President Mckinley, in his great per-
pleXity, beat his breast and cry aloud,
"Ohi for an hour of John w. Starke."
But Starke came not, and the places that
had known him, knew him no more.
But sound the trumpets and the tim
| brels, and shout the glad tidings. He
was with US again last week. hopping
his massive brow and smelling that smile
which he patented thirty years ago, John
| w. Starke drifted into Richmond a few
| hours since, and. like the new Irish po-
| tato, he was for some time IN our
| midst"
| The mystery has been explained. When
soldiers were needed, and men were
| climbing over each other in their anxiety
to seize this opportunity to make 30
| cents a day, John w. Starke, after the
manner of a Biblical character "lay sick
| OF fever" on the Eastern Shore of Vir-
| gina. The echoes of wars tocsin reached
! him, but at that time the doctor was
bombarding him with capsules, and he
was literally bottled up. He could not
| leave Northampton county TO answer
| the summons, and he was unable to bring
the county with him.
Turn the double flip and slay the fatted
veal, for he has been with US again. But
a few moons ago his eagle eye, flashing
| like a 1.3)0-candle power electric light,
| beamed on us, and We felt the sweetness
| of his presence. He came hither TO en-
| list-to spill his blue, patrician blood, If
| necessary, for his country and the re-
concentrados-and ere now he has Joined
| the army in Florida. Had he been blown
through a pneumatic tube, Corporal
Starke could not have reached the re-
| cruiting office sooner. 1t was but The
| work of a minute for him to signify his
| intention of Joining the Walker Light
Guard Company b, Second Virginia
| Regiment, and when the delighted pub
| lie reads this he will be marking time"
among the sand heas in the Everglade
| State. And be IL said that with Corporal
| Starke in our army, the country is safe
| and all is well.
| A Missouri judge has recently granted
a divorce on rather novel grounds, which
! will prove of interest to discontented
| wives. and may, perhaps, serve them for
some good purpose. The fair petitioner
! or oratrix, as the lawyers would call her
| alleged in her bill that she would never
| have consented 60 wed the mean old thing
| had not her importunate lover shown mat
i in the event of her refusal nothing would
| stop him from committing suicide. In
| other words, she married him through
| fear and not from choice.
| have often noticed a like timidity on
| the part of spinsters who succumb TO such
duress when they ind their chances mar
rowing down. But let me tell you, dear
| ones, that were / a judge l would allow
| no such excuses to sever the bonds OF
| matrimony Men have died and worms
| have eaten them, but not for love-"
The present war offers a good compro-
| mise for suicidally-inclined lovers, who
| like the heroes in novels, seek death at
| the cannons mouth" You get all the
| necessary credit for due desperation, and
yet have powerfully good chance TO
| come out alive-to say nothing or three
| square meals day.
| The rejected man who tells lass that
| she never touched him" when she gave
| him the sack, stands forty times as good
| a. chance as the fellow who threatens
| self-destruction- Next to bulldozing
man, there is nothing woman likes SO
well as being bulldoZed by one.
Isn't 1t beastly humiliating to lay your
self out In your efforts TO tell good joke
| and then, after IT. all over, TO have your
| hearers calmly and soberly inform you
that they were familiar with it in their
| childhood? You hate them for letting
YOU waste your energies, and yet you
would have despised them had they cut
YOU short when you commenced. few
DAYS since / found what / thought was
splendid yarn in a western paper. and
examining II into my head, / resolved 10
spring II az some opportune moment when
II would make my wit appear the most
spontaneous and sparkling. But that joke
fell as fat as a balloon with all the air
knocked out OF IL, and they even as
serted that George Washington's troops
used 10 tell 1t while in camp at Valley
Forge Furthermore, my brutal audience
informed me that / was the only man in
the United States who hadn't been hear
ing the story for years. And so, In the
hope that there may be at least one other
man who, like myself, Is unenlightened,
| submit this joke for his benefit. 1t Is
81. .4.alz.A