Willmar tribune. [volume] (Willmar, Minn.) 1895-1931, 1898-12-21
Mr.. Rooterby's Resolution
Mr.. ROOterby was a lack,

Mr.. Rooterby was a jack.
That was what everybody said, and
of course, what everybody says is true
whether it is or not.
Nor was Mr.. Rooterby Jack because
his first name was John, and all Johns
are by the rule of diminutives Jacks.
Not at ALL Mr.. Rooterby was a jack
he showed other signs of an ineradica
BILE stupidity.
"Bein' as you air the best boarde1
I've got, ever did have, or eXpeck tC
have" remarked his landlady many
times during the years he had been
occupying her second-foor front, II
won't say as how you air a plumb silly
if you wasn't the kind of gent you all
in every other respeck. Indeed,
would, Mr.. Rooterby, and the good
Lord knows l amt the woman to de-
'prive a man of his just deserts. seein
that my poor. dead husband was one
of the Lords chosen. l don't care if
people did say l had to keep boarders
SOS we wouldn't starve to death or 20
ON the county"
more emphatic in their remarks than
was the landlady.
IF Rooterby," said the prominent
politician who sat across the table from
him, wasn't such an Internal fool, he
would have married a rich woman long
ago. and been a member of congress
from this district. He would have also
had a comfortable home instead of
plugging away in beastly old board
ing house. If I had his chances for
about seven minutes you bet I'd cor
ner the convention and get the nomi-
nation or break a bank in the at
tempt"
So it would appear that Mr.. Rooter-
ny was jack, or silly, or fool, with
the accent on the profane penultimate,
all on account of his persistent cell
tbacy.
Let us examine into the testimony
against Mr.. Rooterby. A man of so,
so well preserved that he didn't look
it by ten years; a man of affairs and
a comfortable completeness; man of
good habits and good family; a man
of domestic tastes and somewhat Sc
dentary life; a man of some personal
pulchritude and of excellent educa-
ton; a man considerably above the
average in all that makes man wor-
thy OF the name, except in respect of
the persistent celiDacy referred to
above.
This being a fair presentation of the
testimony in the case of public opin-
ion against Rooterby, the jury will re-
turn prompt verdict to the effect that
Mr.. Rooterby is guilty with evident
malice aforethought prepense.
81 VOW" said Mr.. Rooterby. solemnly,
In the presence of witnesses, that I
wouldn't propose marriage to any wom-
i. an on earth. What the dickens"-Mr.
Rooterby was vestryman and could
not be too emphatic-"doI want with
: wife, I'D like to know? Here am
past 40 years of agc"-Mr. Rooterby was
just shade sensitive on the subject of
age. and still didn't want to appear
silly about it-''living serenely and
comfortably, with nothing to disturb
me and no one to question my move
ments or my motives. What have is
my own, and it is not constantly under
going process of drainage to meet
the extravaganza of people for whom
1 would be to large extent RESPONSE
BILE. In fact, am monarch of all sur
vey, as bachelor, and if were a mar
ried man, there's no telling what kind
of slave to woman's foibles and fam
cies l might be called on to be. There
fore, when I am perfectly satisfied and
as happy as man can be in this vale
of tears, what in thunder is the use
of trying to change the conditions?"
What a stereotyped old argument it
is. truly, and yet it serves its purpose
finely, and is an armor of defense be-
hind which more bachelors hide than
any other, perhaps, unless poverty be
considered as one. ..-.
At Christmas Mr.. Rooterby had given
the pretty typewriter in his employ for
two or three years present of hand
some street gown, for Mr.. Rooterby
was practical, and she had needed it so
badly that when she told the cashier
about it the tears came into her eyes,
and she said she thought II such a,pity
30 dear and good a man as Mr.. Rooter-
by did not have q wife, and a home
and children, and all those happinesses
which go with matrimony, and there
was something in the typewriter's tone,
that made the cashier wonderful Mr..
Rooterby had been saying to her any
how Il. u, ST h sE 5# :: 5a,.s
s The asher: and the typewriter were
sthf only occupa nts OF the off 6 Scepts