Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1898-06-15

And send TOR the crier and constable too!
''TritleS are trifeS; but serious matters,
They must be seen to-, says little Prince
Tatters.
Laura E. Richards in st. Nicholas.
my brother in the Klondike,' said the
medical-student boarder, writes me that
he had to pay 81 for piece of apple pie'
He must be-" said the Cheerful Idiot,
zone of those piece-at-any-p price persons
Indianapolis Journal.
Any man who has ever done business
at an intelligence office will feel a thrill
OF sympathy for me, as a recent victim of
that institution. My wife was mildly la
menting yesterday that fate had driven
away the maid servant, and that she
would have to get another. / rashly said
that [ would do it for her.
There is an intelligence office near my
Office | said. III run in there at noon
and send girl out early in the after
noon"
| went into the aforesaid intelligence
office as L returned from lunch, and was
at once absorbed by roomful of females,
everyone Of whom gaZed 81 me suspicious
ly. am a bashful man, but l nerved
myself and began talking with a young
woman who sat near the door.
We have four in our family, myself,
wife and two children, hot and cold wa
ter
Pardon me-" she interrupted. Il am
looking for a servant myself
l apologiZed and she snickered. I then
tackled an applicant for a job. did not
shed light" for she asked questions. |
replied as follows: ''Yes-four in the
family-set tubs-hot and cold water in
every room-three miles out of town
my wife takes care Of the children-who
does the chamber work? | do, confound
you! Get out"
She didn't get out, but I did. My wife
went the next day and hired a girl.-Bos-
ton Traveller.
Mrs. Ferry-"The paper has the picture
of some of the lov.eliest house gowns on
Mr. Ferry-"This house does not need
a gown. \ coat of paint will have to do,
and that will take all the money l can
spare. "-Cincinnati Enquirer.
A somewhat reckless youth who had
enlisted for the war and had spent his
time IN camp in writing home for money.
finally sent this telegram as ''clincher:"
Father: Leg shot off in sham battle.
Send all the funds you can"
To this the Old man replied:
Son, don't know your number, but
wooden leg goes to you by express. If
dOeSn't ut get camp carpenter to plane it.
Best love. All we'll here. ATLANTA Con-
StitutiOn.
Il shall call upon our new neighbor
today" remarked Mrs. Grundy, waving
Mr.. Grundy to silence. Il know she
hasn't had time to get settled and all
that, and probably her parlor looks a
fright, but l heard her quarreling with
her husband last night, and I'll never for
give myself if l don't call before they
make up.'-Detroit Journal.
The Earl of Camperdowns Life of Ad-
mlral duncan contains the following
story, the incident occurring just before
the battle of Camperdown: The Belli-
queux, sixty-four guns, had been among
the most mutinous of Admiral Duncan's
ships, but she took this occasion to redeem
her character: Capt. lnglis, a Scotsman
belonging to East Lothian, who had rath-
er hasty temper, had neglected to make
himself complete master Of the signal
book, and on the morning of the battle
found himself more puzzled than enlight-
ened by it. AT last, throwing it upon the
deck. he exclaimed in broad Scotch:
'Confound the book! Up wi the HELEN,
and gang into the middle o'tn Pitts
burg Dispatch.
Jupiter" said Mercury, in a low vhis-
per, as he busted off the wing on his left
foot there's u man over in the southwest
corner Of Olympus carrying on dreadful
Iy.''
What is he doing?' said jupiter.
scratching his head with new model
thunderbOlt
''F'rothing at the mouth and writing
about, It's not proper for such a mortal
to be here
Perhaps not, but on the other hand,
mayhap he is an epileptic fit for the GODS
EGrppttiOp 70 ma Sp his 71S11oI icIy OH
the quality of the ambrosia, Jupiter hur-
RED away.-Buffalo Enquirer.
why is it, the daring young man
asked, that your daughter still wears
such short dresses?''
"Oh, l keep her dressed that way"
Mrs. Giddibus answered, with a beauti-
flu blush, because if she had long skirts
on people would think she was my sister
when they saw US together. [ have no
wish to conceal the fact that [ have
daughter who is as tall as l am.''-Cleve-
land Leader.
''Kalsomine" Hill, a little, twisted
is in camp with the New York volunteers
and has attached himself to Col. WEIGH
Early one morning, kalsy appeared at Off
GERS headquarters with four chickens
The fowl Is were quickly prepared for break
1aSI before any farmer could identify
them Col. WEIGH thus cautioned him:
we must not steal, Kalsy.' You won't
need to, sab, while Use along promptly
replied kalsy.-San Francisco Argonaut.
PhilypS (hOme from the temperance lee
ture)-'It would have been a great sue
cess if our chairman hadn't been SO alb
sent-minded.
Mrs. Philyps-"Why, what did he do?"
Philyps-" Well, he tried to blow the
foam off a glass Of water" London Eli
caro-,