Republican news item. [volume] (Laport, Pa.) 1896-19??, 1898-10-20
At The Appetite-Cure.

BY MARK TWAIN.

piece OF f1ctlon--nct1on Win
dig F-by Mark Twain the well
Known humorist, which came out in O
ate Cosmopolitan, has attracted no
little attention, not only for the
aumor of which it is full, but for the
undoubted scientific fact to which it
calls attention. 1t is true that we
civilized Americans eat far too much,
md equally true that no small amount
Of our disease is due to that habit.
This theme the great humorist has
clothed in the following attractive
form:
This establishments name is Hoch-
berghaus. It is in Bohemia, short
days journey from Vienna, and being
In the Austrian empire, is, OF course.
a health resort. All unhealthy peo-
pie ought to domicile themselves in
Vienna, and use that as base for
making flights, from time to time, to
the outlying resorts, according to
need. A fight to Marienbad to get
rid of fat; a fight to Carlsbad to get
rid of rheumatism; flight to kalten-
leutgeben to take the water cure, and
get rld Of the rest of the diseases. 1t
Is all 60 handy. You can stand IN
Vienna and toss biscuit into kal-
tenleutgeben, with twelve-inch gun.
You can run out thither at any time
of the day; you can go by the phe-
nomenally slow trains, and yet inside
of all hour you have exchanged the
glare and swelter of the city for the
wooded hills, and shady forest paths
and soft cool airs, and the music of
the birds, and the repose and peace OF
paradise. There are abundance OF
health resorts, as 1 have said. Among
them this place -Hochberghaus. 1t
stands solitary on the top of densely
wooded mountain and is n building OF
great size. 1t is called the Appetite
Anstallt, and people who have lost
their appetites come here to get them
restored. When I arrived, l was
taken by Professor Haimberger to his
consulting room and questioned:
cit is six o'clock. When did you
eat last?'
cat noon.
"What did you eat?'
''Next to nothing.
"What was on the table?"
"The usual things"
"Chops. chicken, vegetables, and
so on?"
eyes; but don't mention then-1
can't bear it.
"Are you tired of them?"
"Oh, utterly. l wish 1 might never
hear of them again.
''The mere sight of food otfends
you, does it?''
more. it revolts me.
The doctor considered awhile, then
got out long menu and ran his eye
slowly down it,
u think, said he, "that what you
need to eat is s-but here, choose for
yourself" +"
glanced at the list and my stomach
threw a handspring. OF all the bar
barous layouts that were ever con-
trived, this was the most atrocious.
At the top stood 'tough, underdone,
overdue tripe, garnished with garlic
half way down the bill stood young
cat; old cat; scrambled cat;" at the
bottom stood "sailor boots, softened
with tallow-served raw" The wide
intervals of the bill were packed
with dishes calculated to insult can
nibal. / said:
Doctor, it is not fair to joke over
such serious case as mine. | came
here to get an appetite not to throw
away the remnant that's left"
He said gravely: 81 am not joking;
why should joker
''But I can't eat these horrors.
''Why not?'
He said it with naivete that was
admirable, whether it was real or as
.,umed.
'Why not? Because-why, doc
tor, for months l have seldom been
able to endure anything more sub
stantial than omelettes and custards.
These unspeakable dishes of yours
.--p
"Oh, you will come to like them.
They are very good. And you must
eat them. 1t is the rule of the place
and is strict. cannot permit any de.
parture from it.
/ said, smiling: "Well, then, doe
tor, you will have to permit the de
parture of the patient. | am going.
He looked hurt, and said in {
way which changed the aspect o.
things:
81 am sure You would not do me
that injustice. I accepted You in good
faith--you will not shame that con
tidence. This appetite cure is my
whole living. If you should go fortl
from it with the sort of appetite whicl
you now have it could become known
and you can see yourself that peopl,
would say my cure failed in your cas-.
and hence can fail in other cases. Yor
will not go; you will not do me thi
hurt"
I apologized and said I woul,
stay.
The professor handed me that obi
GUS menu.
"Chooss or will you haveit laterf'