davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
sfRESH CANE.

''Iiear about Boseler's last play to
curry favor with the old man." the
Detroit Free Press says one man asked
of another.
NO Always at it. isn't he? II that
fellow doesn't become a partner it will
not be through any lack OF effort to
insinuate himself into the good
graces of the boss. What's he done
now?"
You know that the old gentleman S
been sick for week or two and con-
fined TO the house. Boseler cabied
every day to make inquiry, and finally
decided on master stroke. He took
a couple OF days OF, fitted himself out
like veteran hunter and went cut
into the country for quail. He could-
MT hit flock of barns, and after keep
ing up a cannonading until his Shout
der ached and his eyes were innamed
from smoke, he gave it up. Going to
a sort Of guide and professional hunter
in the neigh borhood. he arranged for
him to express some quail to the Old
man, insisting that they be fresh and
good OF he would insist ON having his
money back.
Then Boseler wrote the boss a note.
1t stated that he had shot the game
after good deal OF trouble. that he
was sure the invalid would enjoy it,
and that it was a pleasure TO be able
to supply the seasonable deiicacy.''
That wasn't so bad"
But wait. Boseler was hardly back
at his desk and was not through pat
ting himself On the back, when he re-
ceiyed an acknowledgment from the
cid man. 1t simply said: Those quail
SO kindly shot for me escaped and flew
away as soon as the cook ooeaei the
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK.

Unmindful Of the pranks of his own
youth, says the San Francisco News
Letter, Gen. Walter Turnbu1l is under
stood to be very impatient of the va
carries Of Walter, Jr, who is fine
young fellow, handsome and immense
~ popular, although a decided chip of
the old tgock. The corpulent pater
called his offspring to account on many
occasions and for the most trivial Of
feIses. In spite of corrections innu-
merable, the delinquencies seemed to
continue, and, indeed to multiply.
Finally the old gentleman lost what
little patience he possessed, and, at the
end of a harangue, which plainly made
a remark which he regretted immedi-
ately thereafter.
why, SIR he Numbered in a pas
sion. "You-you-you act like wild
ass colt"
Il am was the demure reply
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02

dntiful girl. and Immediately sought
her boudoir. When she had locked
the door and lit the gas, she was hor-
rified to see a mans coat hanging or
chair in the room; and, as her eyes
accustomed themselves to the dare of
the light, she perceived ether articles
of masculine apparel scattered about
the room.
She screamed, Of course, and other
females rushed to her assistance. They
yelled to her to unlock the door, and
she excitedly tried to do SO. After
awhile she succeeded, and the indig
DaEt rescuers trooped IN. They look
ed under the bed-then they looked in
it. And, lying there looking at them
with wide-cpen eyes and an insane
smile, was the man. They pounded
him and slapped him, but still he
smiled. Some male boarders, reused
by the hubbub, came up They laid
hold of the scoundrel, and discovered
that it was only a clotheir's dummy.
And the victim Of the joke is look
ing for the joker
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02

who would sing and cry glory" with
such vigor as to be heard above all the
rest of the congregation, but, adds the
Detroit Free Press, she was OF an IN
pleasantly Saying" disposition. II
was the custom at the missionary meet
ings which she attended to take up the
collection during the singing OF the
hymn, Fly abroad, thou mighty Cos
pel,' in the mids. Of which Aunt Oman
always threw back her head, closed her
eyes and sang away at the top OF her
lungs until the plate had been passed
The collector, who was an old man or
plain speech, observed this habit, and
enc evening when he came to her seat
he surveyed her rapt countenance and
then said bluntly, Look aheah, Aunt
Dinah, what's de good OBJ yo' a-singing
an a-singin' Fly abroad, thou mighty
Gospel, eff yo' doan glib muffin to make
her fy?''
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
COULDN'T TRAP HER,

Mary, the Ceitlc maid, was lntelllSenL
neat and efficient, but too laxative,
says Harpers Bazaar. She talked dur
ing the day to any one she happened
to meet about the house, and she talked
while serving the table-a grievous
fault At last her mistress was com
PEELED to take her to task.
Mary" said she, you have a very
bad habit of talking while serving the
table, and you must stop it. A good
servant, like a good child, should be
seen and not heard"
"Shurely, num-" protested the honest
maid, 'Oi mint no offinse, and Yell
not be afther hearin' the loikes of an
ither worrud from me-"
There was a guest at dinner the ro1-
lowing night, and Mary was the pink
of perfection as a waitress. She was
noiseless in her movements, she did
precisely the right thing at the right
time, and not ''worrud'' escaped her.
During the repast the hostess sud-
denly called to mind an important let
ter she was expecting.
Mary, did letter come for me
while l was out this afternoon" she
asked quietly
Mary smiled the faintest Of knowing
smiles, yet maze no reply. Her mis-
tress was exceedingly annoyed, but,
imagining the maid had not heard the
question, she repeated it.
The knowing smile became even
moro apparent On Mary's face, but
she said not word in response. In
lieu thereof she posted hedself behind
the guests chair, where the guest
could not Gee her, and grinned broau
grin Of cunning.
When her mistress entered the
kitchen half an hour later to demand
an explanation, Mary smiled the same
cunning smile.
mo, yez don't, num-" she cried.
shaking with laughter, "Yez wor
thryin' yer Dist to ketch me, OF knew
but OF wouldn't spake loud worrud
in the dinin' room agin orders for tin
dollars, bedad!"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02

I shall not make it dangerous for me
to visit by mentioning in public print,
says a writer in Good Stories, | heard
a funny kind of an explanation at the
polls. One of the very greenest coun-
try jakes / think l ever saw came up
and wanted to vote. 1t was his first
vote, and the judges held him up.
Want 20 yote?" asked one, in g
pleasing off-hand manner.
whats that" asked the applicant,
trying to show courage.
What ticket?"
Il dunno"
Are you a Democrat"
Il dunno"
Are you a Republican,"
Il Dunno"
How about being Prohibitionist?
whats that 'un?'
Zone OF the cold water people"
For washin'?'
For drinking"
Gosh to splinters, I amt that,
reckon
Very WE'LL" said the Judge, giving
it UP as bad job, "as there isn't any
thing else you are a Populist'
A faint CLEAN Of intelligence, as if
some familiar name had broken into
the young voters perception, shone on
his face.
Il dunno" he replied, hesitatingly.
"Mebbe | am. Pap says I'm the big
gest durn fool in four precincts
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
A NEW INNOCENT ABROAD.

The American humorist sat in the
special gallery by special permission,
says the Cleveland Plain Dealer. A
broad smile lighted his somewhat
roomy countenance. His eyes we're
fixed on the Bacchanalian scene on the
floor below t,
"Ha hal" he chuckled. well slug
ged, old beeswax, Hit him again, me
boy. Now, now look at his whiskers
wade into the President, Beautifully
countered. Oh, this is great. There
the gentleman from Upper Hungary
has the floor, with three robrs5
Deutschers sitting on him. Why don't
they lay it On the table? Ha, ha, ha.
l haven't had so much fun since Tom
Sawyer caught on. Ho, no. no, ha,
ha. ha-who-O-o-oopl
At that moment 3 dark vissgcd gem
tleman, with a finely-curved nose and
the hair of a fullback, hastily APP
preached the gasping humorist
'Larby skeschini umperwillgaloo-
loo" he Kissed between his large and
somewhat antique teeth.
"dh?" said the startled humorist.
"Kooligstio karuru kibosh." cried
the angry stranger, as he flourished his
long arms in a very disagreeable man
ner.
Hold on" shouted Mark Twain, for
it was indeed he; what in thunder is
it all about?"
''Poggery skihoot pooh! POOH
shrieked the stranger and he pulled
viciously at the alarmed joker.
Say gasped his victim, don't do
that again. Garlic always makes me
very i'll. Oh, Lord!'
The stranger beat tiercly on his pig
eon-breasted ehirt front.
"Czechs," he cried: "Czechs,"
Il don't care what sex lou are, )"
shouted the humorist. as he backed to-
ward the stairway Keep off"
But the stranger advanced, with his
arms flying like windmiiis.
"Hullygohoplicek! he screamed, and
smote the humorist grievously on the
nose Mr. Twain plunged down the
stairway three steps at a plunge. AS
he descended he fanced he heard an
insulting voice crying, "Chumpin'
frogs, chumpin' frogs"
Then the stranger with the curved
beak looked around with smile.
Well" he chuekled, Il guess may be
I ton't hat no fun nor nothing NIT
dose 'Iunercents Abroad amt it,"
And he was still smiling when the
police charged on the Reichsrath.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
A REfoRMER,

=, A REf0RMER
ihey We're talkinp 49, .,
abont ~ travelling man told them
this fiaia He most practical worker in
saws ~. Inae ne had ever encountered.
q ny. Ieerolt Free Press.
We VIZ nass MIN one night in 81. Louis
theatars0 IN Inc annex of one of the big
me m "nen one OF the boys caught
thougb+ oia gag that moments
against . mouid have warned me
WIN Wis.,. that's on ne, | admitted
hodr q aoreed laugh, but l wish some
two, 'ouiu KICK me around a block or
hsa ~ was no sooner out than the kicks
rls san 70 Come, and come good and
III -, was propelled clear out of
aider p.ale anu was going along the
fr;an "aiA IN enforced jumps when nv
.aehus rescued me. The kicker was a
go .pohed 200-pounder who began at
80 70 tell me that he didn't believe
~ ~ people making rash wishes unless
Icy meant them, and he was doing
ae ne could to stop them. II was
,o n refreshing change and the fell
Low was SO much in earnest that we
quit the theater and began running in
Se'n Oh the boys as we couqd find as
VEINS. Half a dozen of them went
ou. on the foot of that human csta-
PUT, Tor III be kicked" vas the rage
just to vary the programme, when
one OF the boys told particularly i'm
propaDie story, | brought out my
watch and chain, unscrewed nv dia-
mond stud, and offered them to him
as the prince of liars. The reformer
promptly seized them and started for
the rear Of the place.
He'll be back, said a weql-dressed
man VINO mad been enjoying all the
what did the crank have to say
When he came in agin?"
I've never seen him since''
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
JIM AND SUSIE.
Had Little Love Quarrel, But Jim s
Diplomacy Squared Everything.

Had Little Love Quarrel But Jims
Diplomacy Squared Everything.
"Jim Winter said the rural belle With
red cheeks and yellow hair did you take
Rhody Chaffiy to that there dance last
night?"
Now don't get huffy, Susie, I don't
care nothin' bout that girl, no more's
if I'd never seed her. But she limited
round so plain that I jest had ter ask
her. She's bout the boldest creteer I
ever see"
Eyes, an you haint got the backbone
of a fly, Jim Whittier. Fust place
Rhody never done no hintin'. She'd
bite her tongue off first Second place
you and mes engaged. That is, we
hain't now but we was. You knowed I
wouldn't accept no company but yours
and yet you went and took that girl and
left me cryin' here at home. 1 hain't
a-goin' to marry no man that won't
stan by me an you're jest as free to
look round fur somebody else as though
you never herd of me. You're welcome
to set and gawk at that fire long as yer
want ter, but I'm goin ter bed, and you
needn't bother bout comm mere no
more
DoSSohe the luck! HulleFed jim, halr
aloud. Il s'pose 1 haint got no girl tall
now. Rhody said Susie'd be so tarnal
jealous that she'd fairly kick the root
off and turn green, but l tole her she was
judgin' other people by herself and that
Susie had more good sense than all tho
other girls in the township put together
l tell you it's tough"
Susie never let on that she heard but
she stole back and it was with laughing
eyes and dlmplde face that She confront
ed him to say: Jim, / was only foolin'
l haint Altered of none of the other
girls stealth you. specially Rhody
Chaf11y. They can't none of EN- make me
jealous"
The cunning James chuckled all the
way home a few hours later.~Dteroit
Free Press.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
ONE OF THE JUDGE" ROY BEAN. Cd

Roy Bean, high judge of the courts
of Largtry, where justice is dished out
to the living and dead alike in Judge
Beans own novel and distinctive way,
was in San Antonio last week, on the
occasion of which visit he was made
the victim OF cruel practical joke
says the San Antonio Express. He met
a drummer at the hotel, who said he
had just come from Langtry.
did you see my bear? How is he
getting along?" was the Justices first
question.
Judge Beams bear throughout West
Texas stands second in fame to the
judge himself The animal was chain
ed to a tree in the rar of the Judge S
beer saloon, and in its day drank many
a bottle Of beer at a cost Of 25c per
bottle, to the edification of the way
farer who was compelled to spend a
few hours in Judge Beans judicial dis
trict.
Didn't you hear OF it," asked the
drummer. The bear died last night. -
The drummer had an cid score to
wipe out at Roy Beams expense, and
he succeeded in convincing the Judge
that his bear was dead.
Roy Bean lost TO time in making
for the telegraph Office, where he pen
red these Instructions:
Skin the bear, and express the skin
to ME at once"
To this he attached his signature,
which is law in Langtry. Beams man
at the saloon promptly killed the bear
and expressed the skin, and in the
letter that accompanied the fur was
this note:
I'VE hated to kill the bear, and he
hated to die. 1t took three shots be-
fore he gave up the ghost. We are
now smoking the bacons."
When Roy Bean received the mes
sage he broke three chairs, and then
set out in quest of the drummer The
offender is said to be conducting ear
ndst diplomatic negotiations by mail
with THE Law OF West Texas
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02

He was yelling and trying to kick, but
could not His friends reached the
conclusion that the best thing they
could do was to roll the barrel to
machine shop a block or two away
and get advice of q mechanic. They
started to do this and at every turn it
would bring the head Of the imprisoned
man in contact with the pavement IN
a stunning way. He was bowling
and bleeding when Mr.. Keller went to
his aid.
Mr.. Keller took entire charge OF the
affair. He got the head of the man in
the barrel between the feet sticking
out Of it and worked the body as the
tight cork in a bottle is worked. After
a few minutes twisting and turning.
during which the two others stood cau-
tionins him to be careful |Ning to the
fact that the man in the barrel had the
bottle Of whisky and it might eGGiiy
be broken, Mr. Keller felt an casing up.
Then he gave a strong pull and nearly
landed the man in the middle OF the
street, but away from the barrel. The
two others ran to him and before ne
could get from the ground each had
hand in his inside coat pocket
Its safe" shouted both joyfully.
Then they took another drink and
reprimandeG the man who had been in
the barrel for his carefeseness.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
II ALL DEPENDED.

An exchange says that girl baby
was brought to clergyman in SYRIA
cuse to be baptized. The minister
asked for the name Of the child, and
the father responded, "Dinah NJ" But
what does M. stand for?" asked the
clergyman. Well, I don't know yet, "
the father replied. 1T all depends
upon how she turns out. If she is nice
and sweet and handy about the house,
lige her mother, shall call he Dinah
like her mother, l shall call her Dinah
mine, | shall call her Dinah Might
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02

from getting away. She cAanced also
to leave her new hat and her fur cape
lying on the bed in the same ROOM
ooh, see," [ interrupted, as light
seemed to break in on me.
80 did l." said the doctor. II got
in just as my wife came down stairs,
and when we opened the door, behold
Dusky. The hat and cape, oh, where
were they? Ask Of the pup that all
around with fragments strewed the
floor!"
Complete wreck, were they?"
"CoEplete." he said, and what's
more. som I. You see, my wife had
me. It's all right, WHEY l said, as
she tearfully surveyed the dog smack
ing his chops over the ruin he had
effected, just get new hat and cape
and send me the bill oh, Tom she
said. you are just as good as you can
be, and would you mind giving that
$500 Dusky won for you the other
night? And then. if you'd add another
hundred or so, could get the SWEETEST
seaIskin jacket and nat trimmed N
mink, tails to match
ooh. Lord. old fellow he went on,
"you are not married, so you don't
know what this business means to me.
Before luncheon was over my wife de-
cided she would need new tailor
gown to go with her, sealskin and fur
trimmed hat I'm afraid to so home
10 dinner lest she will want a trap and
& pair Of horses. l tell you, l see end
less possibilities looming up before me.
| shouldn't wonder If she demands a
ei1ver- service and Yacht of her own
before the week is out. Goodbye, old
fellow, and when you hear of my fail
ure. know that all is sacrificed on the
altar of Dusky. Expect suicide at any
time, and tell the weinerwurst man at
the corner you know where he can get
a dog for nothing
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
ALL OVER.

MY wife and l have our little quar-
-rels once in a while" said the man who
lives in the Pasteboard Flats, "but
they are all over in a few minutes"
Il presume you mean all over the
house?" said the other man, who had
had some experience in fiat life-In-
dianapolis Journal
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
AN INNOCENT ABROAD.

Alfred S. Wagner, genera. travelling
passenger agent of the Texas and Pa
cifc, has returned from a visit to ST.
Louis, Chicago and New York, an
nounces' the Dallas (TeXas) News 1t
was his first trip out Of Texas. He
went away with look of childish in
noeence and guile,eseness in his eye
and came back with the sordid, CLASSY
stare Of a bunko-s'teerer or the calcu-
lating glance of a burglar. He is Old
and sad and tired. He says he lived
ten years in three weeks, and when he
left he was going at the rate Of year
a second. II he had stayed another half
day he would have been 1900 years
old. az they count life in Texas.
His experiences began in st. Louis.
He was standing on the corner OF
Fourth and Olive, looking around at the
big buildings. when nicely dressed
fellow slapped him on the back, and
said:
Hello, Johnnie, how are the boys in
Fort WORTH %
That was what Wagner had been
looking for.
go on eff, now: l am from Texas,
but my name is not Johnnie and | am
not from Fort Worth
Where are you from, Dallas?'
That right"
well. how are Cooper Mott and
Barney Fegan ard Billie Crush and Ed.
Bixby getting on?'
Wagner loosened UP little and re-
ported on the condition Of the celebri-
ties named.
and my old friend, Tom Kingsley,
is he still there?"
you bet
81 think you said your name was
Wright"
mo. sir; my name is A. s Wagner,
Of the Texas and Pacific, the old reli-
able"
Yes, that's right. Wagner, let's so
ard have something" And they did.
After talking awhile Wagners new
found acquaintance had to meet an en-
gagement and ALI strolled into the
Planters to see what was going on.
AT the door he met youngster who
looked at aim a second and then walk
ed up and grasped bis hand
Hello, Wagner, when die you leave
Dallas?"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
THE STORY OF A PRIZE D0G.

Yesterday afternoon l strolled into
the Office Of my friend, DR.. Blank, hop
ing to have a quiet smoke and bit Of
good comfortable chat with him. says
a writer in the Philadelphia Times.
The doctor had just gotten back to the
Office from luncheon. and looked like
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
THIS BOY WAS A WONDER.
He Had Way of Reasoning Thing
Out Readily


Out Readily.
He was in his mothers room the
other day when she was showing a
friend some handsome napery that her
own material relative had given her On
her marriage. He was impressed by
the conversation and laid it by for fu.
ture reference
That evening there were guests at
dinner, and for a long while he WI.
deeply interested in a study Of his OWE
domestic economy with special refer
ence to whether turkey was good sin
gle standard for the human circula-
ton, and, concluding that it was, en-
deavored to get a monopoly.
Later on he began to regard the fes-
tive board with an interest that WAS
not strictly dietary. and finally eicc-
trified the company by the inquiry:
Mamma lis this tine tablecloth you
we're married in?"
Grandpa came to call rot long ago,
and papa had him up in the smoking
room, discussing the subject Of mascu-
line headgear.
Run downstairs son and get my
new derby; it's hanging in the hail"
said papa.
| The messenger was some time away,
/ and when he returned with the hat no
| was carrying it Oh the end of cane.
! The owner took it of and began 10
/ expatiate on its beauties.
NOW, here is Fox, latest shape,
and | got it for a song. You ought to
! wear a derby, father; It's more com
/ Portable than a beaver and more
stylish"
The old gentleman secretly resented
these remarks, but said nothing, The
younger gentleman placed the model
shape" on chair and forgot all about
it. Ten minutes later lie calmly sat on
that stylish hat and remodcled ii 50
that it's master would have denied it,
Grandpa was tickled almost 10 da2Nn:
BEST have a beaver after all, nv boy
he said. "a beavers SO big you are
pretty safe not to sit down on ii.
When grandpa went to the h3j rack
to get the immaculate beaver he was
smitten with horror. A catastrophe q
some kind had occurred and 1T was
evident that the hat had been involved.
A comittee Of investigation at once
interviewed the small Toy. He explain
ed matters with charming candor:
why, you see, papa, l had to stanI
on grandpa's hat to reach yours ID
hung SO high UP. Washington rest
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
A MILD REPROOF.


An anecdote was told at tie expense
Of Richard Henry StodGard by one Of
the speakers at a dinner given few
months ago by the Authors Club, Of
New York city. Stoddard was opening
a can Of tomatoes one night. Sounds
coming from the kitchen convinced his
wife that her husband was net accom-
plishing his task without some trou-
BILE
What are you doing. dear?' she call
ed finally.
Opening this can Of tomatoes, came
the gruH reply.
What are you opening it with?"
With a krife-did you think | was
using my teeth" snapped Stoddard
Not at all, dear" came the answer.
Il thought from your language you
were opening it with prayer"
The mild but witty retorL could not
but turn away wrath; and the story
tends, Furthermore, to justify the trib-
ute paid her by Eugene Field in his
verses on the Stoddards.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
A HoRRID NAY

.notber member of Miss Kerwin's
a ,.atic seminary has had trouble with
oph horrid man, says the Atlanta Jour
"a After the performance Tight or two
ste went straight home like a
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02

box. You write better than you
shoot
"Bosleler was so insistent about hav-
ing the birds fresh that his man made
sure by sending them in alive
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-02
A PERTINENT QUESTION.

Old Aunt Dinah was a colored wo-
man with remarkably strong voice,