Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-03-27


put enough, Tor there are few articles
OF china from which TO deyour our food
Ihese too, are undergoing the cleanin.
Piocess' as Is also the trIple-plated ware
"hlch was given us by loving friends OF
'he DAY when the Commander-in-Chiet
cIalrhed me as hers, TO have and to hold
n lee simple with general warranty for.
| ever. -''
| am told TO get dinner wherever n
may be found, but not 10 come home
| uhtll sundoWn. / am also warned TO con-
| sider myself as nobody and TO go hide
| Hyset I'm some secluded nook where the
| BODY polite VIII not be worried bv NV
| existence. In short, I am Indirectly in
Iorfed that l am a public nuisance. And
so II Is for these reasons that | llnger ON
the corners, and am homeless and peni-
tent and humble.
Some weeks since when the Hard
Faced Ugly-Men's Association presented
me with the championship cup for lack
or facial pulchritude, L forthwith con-
GUIDED (as l have said before) that there
was some mistake about the matter. /
never for an instant thought that I
merited the soft impeachment" and II
now turns out, as might have been ex-
pected, that the laurels of some other
Fellow were conferred upon me. Mr..
Leonard Noel, better known 10 the citi-
Gems OF seventeen COmmonwealths as
race Noel, has assailed me about this
matter. he says that IL the United
states can produce a man with physi-
ognomy more lacking in puchritude than
MS own, that man shall swim in cham
payne at his expense. This assertion on
the part Of Face" Noel is no idle boast.
porn OF tendency to puff himself up
after the manner of a bullfrog, but is
substantiated by a leather medal which
was awarded him by the travelling-men
OF the country. Mr.. Noel has travelled
much, walking when he could not ride.
and swimming when he could not walk.
but never yet has he found an individual
who contested his right to the horsehide
prize he so fondly cherishes. His face
has in no instance failed to receive recog-
milton where'er he went and the ladies
cry for his photo, even as Asrmers cry
for free silver and infants for sugar-rags.
In the springtime the birds hover around
the hirsute growth on bis features and
twltter with longings for this cosey nest
Ing place. while the Jersey mosquitoes
rush pell nell at autumn time to sip the |
sweetness from his beaming countenance.
Face" Noel rejoices in it all and is |
willing to swear that these features of his |
are the best he ever had.
Years ago this genial knight Of the :
sripsack achieved universal celebrity in |
Richmond, where he first saw the light Of
'ay but since that time his fame has
zone abroad. The press of the country
AVE devoted columns to his beauty, and }
of the giddier sex have sung his
raises. But when we come down to hard
IAN il isn't so much Noeps face as it is
us tongue that causeth this whole broad
and TO smile. His nature is so sunshny
nd bright that the children can bake
nud-cakes In his presence, and his own
on his pulchritude would cause
dog to laugh. Noel is a born wit and
umorist, and his conversation sparkles
Ike Christmas-tree with candy colonies
n II. From early morn-provded he is
wake-until deWy eve he is smiling and
heerful and chatty, and after a talk
18th him one feels as happy as if one had
)und a dollar note I'm an old suit OF !
othes. You needn't blush and apologize
you happen TO accidentally tell Face"
e isn't as good looking as some other
FLOWS you've seen, and If you do, he'll
link he's got the joke on you. He's not
rstty, and, unlike most people, he's got I
0 apologies to make for it. If a man
ke him hung around town much he'd
rive all the undertakers out Of the city,
n there's too much fun in him TO Justify
funeral anywhere I'm his vicinity :
But don't forget, sweet reader, that he's
lie man who ought to have the Hard y
aced Uglg-Men's priZe-not l. ,
1t has always been source Of wonder |
me that one little green apple, per- (
mmon, or whatever else it might have {
zen, caused our first mother TO fall IN f
lie Garden of Eden. If 1t had been I
Lucent yard of bleached cotton, a S
rcale remnant, or paper OF pins re- a
Iced from cents to 4999-1OC0 cents, u
uld understand, but being mere fruit {
cannot grasp the situation. And, GER b
inly, if woman is ever again put TO b
e test the temptation will come in a s
y-goods store and the incident will /
ck the cooperation of that misguided ;
Id much-abused creature man. But u
tween us. the police. and the gentle
en- who are now conducting the great -
TOUCHDOWN. give-away, and assignment
les on Broad street, woman has fire.
emily fallen of late, and in the dry n
DDS stores, too. To come down to h
Id, shivery, creepy facts, the shop o
epers of this city have had much "
Duble recently with petty pilferers, 4
10 cannot resist the allurements of the b.
DDS so temptingly displayed. In fact, re
constant watch has to be kept, and II
my are the unfortunates detected in OF
Fir wrong-doings, and Invested of va 70
MS and sundry articles which thew W
We appropriated without availng them ,.
yes of the great reductions in prices. ~
ly a few weeks ago a young woman -, -
excellent standing was called into the =, -
ce OF large dry-g0ods firm. and on y,
person were found trifling articles OF ~
ary description. She had reaped a ,,e
endid harvest, and had hOnored seve- hl
establishments by taking thence such so
Ivenirs as were portable and easily n,
,cealed. On and about her person were On
least $50 worth of small articles. She WI
rageously denied her guilt rather co
,gine the shopkeeper5 were glad she W,
but a food of tears which came Tn
pr proclaimed the fact that she wasn't tn
lgether innocent. They didn't prose- by
G her-what man would hsve?-but eg
v looked severe and perhaps pitied du
. This was but one case of many, gr
ugh the dry-go0ds men have been Sc
re than indulgent. and have often M
es tried not TO see. VIZ
prominent merchant who has an es- vi
lishment which is regarded as mum Pr
le heaven by the remnant hunters, IN Gu
ms me I'm an awed and excited whis- 'el
that shop-lifting is not the only VI
ne has to deal with. He asserts that 10
nv Monday--the day after the big ~,