The times., 1898-10-04
MIR. DooLEY.
HE Thinks IL Is Hard to he a King
In These DAYS

HE Thinks Ii Is Hard to BE a King
I'm These Days.
MT Peter Dunno. who writes the Mr.
Dooiey lucubrations for the Chicago Jour
naI' mas turned his teeming thoughts to-
ward the anarchists who kill:
'"Tis hard bein' king these davs -
said Mr. Dooley. "Manny's Z man on a
throne wishes his father'd brought him
up a cooper. what with wages bein.
docked be parlymints an ragin. arnycbist-
runnin wild with dinnymite bombs unher
their arms an carvin' knives in their
pockets. 'Onaisy.' as Hogan says. is IN
mead that wears a crowen They'se other
heads that're onaisy. too. but ye don't hear
lhiin- But man grows up in wan iv
thim Turin eounthries an he's thrained
tr TO be king. Hivin may've intinded
him fr dooce or Jack at tn most. but
ne has TO follow tn same line as his
father.
lis like pawnbrokin' that way. Ye
niver heerd iv pawnbroker's son doiu.
anything else Wanst a king. aIyVavs a
KING Other mems sons may pack away
shirt in a thrunk an go out into ~,
Worruid brakin' on a freight or Iadin'
Indyanny bankers up TO a shell game
But a man that's headed fr a tbrone
can't run away. He's got to take tn ion
II he kicks they blindfold him an back
MIN In Whin he goes on watch mes
clncned- He can't ask Fr his time ar
IN end " tn week an lave He paws
hlmsiIf. he can't sthrike, because he'd
nave to ordher out tn polls TO subjoo him
self. He can't go 10 the boss an sav: Me
hours IS too long an tn worruk is ia
Jious- Give me me pay check He has
no ooss A man can't be indipindint uu-
less he has boss. 'Tis thrue. Sohe takes
IN place, an tn chances ARE he's tn big
gest omadhOn in tn wOrruld an knows
no more about runnin. a counthrv thin
know about ladin' an orehesthy. An
II ne don't do anything he's a dummy
an II ne Goes do anything he's crazy
an wnln ne does his foreman says: Sure.
us IN divvules own time an I had savin,
that basthoon firm desthroyin' himsiIf
II IL wasn't fr me tn poor thing'd have
closed down the wurruks an gone 70 IN
farm long ago.
An wan day, whin he's takfn' tn air
p'raps along comes an EyetaIyan. an
says he:
" Are ye a King?
" That's my name says His Majesty
'Bether dead says tn Eyetalian. an
theyse scramble, an another King goes
over tn long r'road.
Il don't know much about arnvchists
We had thin here-wanst They wint
again polismen mostly Mebbe that's be-
cause poiismens tn nearest things to
Kings they cud find. But, anyhow. I
sometimes think / know why they're
arnychists some where an why they aint
in other places. II rayminds me iv what
happened wanst in me cousin Terence-s
fam ly. They was lvin' down near Ha-
ley's slough in wan iv OF Doherty's
houses, not Doherty that We know. IN
jiner, good man whin ne don't dhrink
No, twas an OF crouch iv a man be- the
name of Malachi Doherty that used 10
keep fve-day notices in his thruuk an
owned his own priyiJ jistice iv tn peace.
Me Cousin Terence was as dacint a man
as iver shoed a hOr'rse an his wife was
a good woman. TOO. though I niver took
much 10 th' Dolans. Firm Tipperary
they was an too HANDY throwia things
at ye. An he had a nice family CROWN
up. An l utver kROwed people that lived
together more quite an 'amyable. Twas
good f'r 10 see thin settin' ar-rOun' tn
parIor, Terence spellin' out tn newspaper
an his good woman menGin' socks an
Honoria playin' tn Vale iv Avoca' on tn
pianny an the kids r-rowIin' on IN fiure
But wan day it happened that that
whole family begun 10 rasp on wan an
other. HonOria'd d set down at tn pianny
an tn OF man'd growl: ''Fvr tn love iv
tn saints. close down that urdy-gurdy
an lave a man injye his headache An
tn good woman scolded Terence an tn
kids pulled tn leg firm under tn stove.
an whin tn big boy, Mike. come home
firm Omaha he found none iv them
speakfn' TO tn others He cud do nawth-
in an he wint fr Father Kelly. Father
Kelly shifted tn air whin he come in, an
says he:
Terence, what's tn mather with yee'r
catch basin?'
:" I dinnaw. growled Terence
well. says Father Kelly. 'ye put on
yee'r hat this minyit an so out fr
plumber, he says
Z" I'm not needed mere he says 'Yee'r
sowls ARE out of ordher.' he says.
- Fetch in a plumber he says. whilst
| I goes down to Doherty an make him
| think his lease on tn hereafther is de-
| fective,' he says
''Yee'r right" said Mr. Hennessy, who
| had followed the argument dimly.
Nv cOorse I'm right said Mr. DOoley.
What they need over there in furrin'
| countries is not a priest. but a plumber
| 'Tis no good prayin' again arnyehists,
| Hinnisy. Arnychists is sewer gas"