Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-11-20

They can't honeyfuggle me any more.
One husband is all I'll ever want. and
have had long time 10 repent about
getting that one"
YES" but in all these contentious you
are flying in the face OF Scripture" 1
suggested "See Ephesians v. verse D.
Wives. submit yourselves unto your hus-
bands. etc; Colossians Ill.,. IS. Epstle TO
TITUS H.. .; ]. Peter. 49,. L. /. Corin-
thians, xi., S-'The head OF the woman Is
the man; Ephesans. ", 25-''rhc husband
is the head of the wife"
When l gave utterance 10 these ideas
the good woman, not knowing that had
refreshed my memory thereon. was
astounded-nay dumfounded for the first
time in her Ife. Without one word she
went TO our big Bible. and when she had
verified my assertions she gasped, and
then She said: Don't think / give Up my
point. I'm simply paralyzed TO think that
you can quote even five verses of Scrip
ture correctly"
And then she sighed and entered in
pursuit OF water-bug which had ven
tured TO crawl out near the fire during
the course OF the discussion.
My face. like Vosuvus has recently
been in eruption. / have had a breaking
out on It. Not only has my beard broken
out. but, also, certain species OF eczema,
which is attributable 10 various causes.
! l consulted physicians. and paid l3 cents
a word for advice. although i give IL graz
| tutously. one doctor told me l was SUI
| fering from poverty of the blood, and /
was shocked 10 think that my Indulgence
! had penetrated my whole system. i knew
( we had bushels Of poverty at home but
/ / didn't expect II TO percolate the roots
/ OF my hair. Another doctor. whose spe-
/ cialty IS skin diseases-especlally seal
! skin fits, which come on women a. times
! Informed me that my trouble was due to
/ humor Of the blood. This our city edi-
/ tor denied with a vigor which wrought
/ Precipitation from him at time when The
| thermometer was standing 81 degrees
1 Fahrenheit He said that IL there was
/ any humor in my blood it was too deep
/ down TO ever break out. that he had been
/ looking out. for one good, palataDle joke
/ IN my letters for nine years, and that,
! having given up in despair. he now reads
! them TO counterfeit the effects Of laughing
gas. BE this il may. l still have
| face which is sore TO the tOuch-especially
/ when / am touched" for small sums
ranging from one to five dollars-and, as
a consequence. I have had to allow full
/ scope TO my whiskers. My features look
/ like Louisiana live-oaks. with hanging
moss growing thereon. and the public has
suspended business TO comment on them.
| The very thought OF whiskers always
| tickles American people. | don't know
/ why the word should be so funny, but
| any use Of it makes them gggle, and
when n man grows a beard he becomes.
| for the time being martyr to the body
polite.
! Far be it from me TO dwell on the do
mestic dscord which has been engender-
| ed by the outcropping OF my face foliage.
/ a lady who directs my foreign and domes-
| tic policy has devoted so much time-and
I H.. to
/ on my features that / feel like a forbid
/ den goat when / go home, and yet l fare
/ still worse on the streets. As / walk the
/ thoroughfares the small boys make
noise indicative of soughing winds, or ask
/ to be allowed to look FOX birds nests.
! And men are worse than the boys. one
| individual called me up by phone yes
! terday, and whOoped: 81 see you've been
! fooling 'em" Pooling whom / snap
ped out. for I am never deceitful. and was
| angry at the imputauon. THE WINDS
! he gurgled back. and then he chuchled
until the wires vibrated
/ Yesterday. while at work, a telegraph
boy brought me a note, and, on opening
the same. my eye Toasted on 10 cents, but.
when l read the note. "From sympathetic
| friends. who would fain see you shaved,
1 became indignant, and concluded that
! q great many people were laboring under
| the mistaken impression that they hau
humor of the blood
NV vocabulary may not be n mental
| dictionary. yet l have mCherto prided
myself on, at least, knowing good many
! synonyms, but not until l recently de-
| veloped my face into a hair-cushion did
/ know how many words there were in our
language which signified whskers.
When | first get up in the morning, ana
/ venture down a side street to my bust
! I a
his face. blows at me. and says: ''Whoop
Ia. make room for the chinchinnies.'
As his laugh dies away in the dim dis
| lance. I met another jocose individual,
who screams out: "Why don't you plait
those Hockshaws?' Before he removes
his carcass from my presence run across
the wit WHO says: -,
! 'Whv don't you harvest those brazil
lers?" The way this fellow giggles would
| tickle ANYBODY but a man with beard,
! Int after all. he isn't so bad, for in an
instant he is superseded by man VINO
saws; 1--WE are going TO abolish the street.
cleaning department, since you've got
those Piccadilly sweepers.' rms JOKE
will probably produce commissions, Out
attention is attracted from the pauent Dy
| the fellow who says: Hammer that mr.
| suite appendage in, please; IL IeihihuS lhe
! Of broOm-straw."
! When YOU get TO your office. If you ever
Get there. after the many jibes which
! have been cast at you, your boss Will say:
| "Neu. Willie, / see they're sproutlng;
All they need is a little fertilizer You
/ have to laugh outright at this. If you
| don't YOU will lose your job. Always
laugh at your boss's jokes, no matter
| how poor they are
| could 20 on indefinitely, and tell you
Of the many difficulties incident to the
| Growth of ones beard but the subject is
| q nainful one to me. And, moreover,
| lust at present I'm reading up on MUIR
| der I'm the first degree, to see II a man
/ should be hung for a homicide committed
when angered by those who JOKE ABOUT
| his face foliage. -,
The meteoric shower which was pilled
| for the dawn of Monday and. TUESDAY
| last did not make its appearance, and
| those of us who watched Tor 1t In our
robes de mutt were disappointed, and have
since been using muttOn-suet on our pneu-
| monia-stricken chests. In my day, wheh
| a shade was a spade, we called the things
| ebooting-stars. but after the passage OF
| The statute aimed at concealed weapons
| they changed the name to meteors, ana
| now. lust TO keep in the procession, the
! celestial cramps" are spoken Of as Leo
nids. This is because they radiate from
! Leo. VINO is the performing Lion In the
stellar menagerie
THE shower which was predicted for