Morris tribune., 1898-04-06
Entertainment Nets over $50 for
Decoration Fund.

Man." namely, to raise money for thu
purchase of pictures and other dec
orations for the bare-looking walls O.
our public schools.
The entertainment drew an i'm
mense crowd. When the curtain rose
only Miss Cleopatra Arabella Brown
the hostess, was to be seen. Fhe club
had not yet assembled, but soon be-
gan to drop in by twos and threes
And what a company they were
With stately dignity President jose
phine Jane Green took the chair, and
wrapped for order with gavel which
might have been used to drive fence
posts. The table, however, only
groaned, but whether this expression
of feeling was due to the fall of the
gavel, or to the appearance of the
"old maids" is a secret which has not
been divulged.
Order having been assumed the
secretary, Rosilla Abigail Hodge, read
the roll call as follows:
Calamity Jane Higgins.
Rachel Rebecca Sharpe.
Tiny Short.
Mary Jane Fraddler,
Jerusha Matilda Spriggens.
Patience Desire Man.
Sophia Stuckup.
Julietta Long.
Betsey Bobbett.
Charity Longface.
Cleopatra Arabella Brown.
Penelope Gertrude Doolittle.
Polly Jane Spratt.
Violet Ann Ruggles.
The club then proceeded to transact
the regular business with such dis
cussion and debate as the club saw fit
to indulge in. Among the other items
of business presented was the follow
ing petition to congress drafted by
Miss Tiny Short and received by the
club with many expressions of ap-
proval.
To that high-minded and honorable body
of men, who compose the government
of the United States of America:
WHEREAS, The past three years have
seen the hopes of several of our dearest,
oldest and most fated sisters and MEM
bers of the justly celebrated Young Ladies
Single Blessedness Debating society al
most realized, but for the north wind of
financial distress which has been and is
sweeping over the land, instead of blow
ing loves flames to warmer glow, has also
quenched the affairs of fires of pure love
and unless something is done and that
quickly, they appear likely to stay un-
altered,
Therefore, the Young Ladies' Single
B1essedness Debating Society do pray
congress, to take some measures to allie
viate said present financial distress and
the consequent depressing effect on the
matrimonial market. We pray, if they do
decide for free silver" to either give the
club a silver mine or else present to each
member thereof carload of silver dollars
so as to make her more attractive to the
lonely man. If gold" is decided upon we
beg them to command President Nc
Kinley to instantly pass a protective law
for the unmarried.
The carrying through of the role, of
the hypothetical ''old maid" was done
in highly ludlcious manner by the
members of this hypothetical club.
JHb;1o fbo fropcao ofio,, IF IN,,o;roco &vo q
at its height, the arrival of Prof.
Makeover with his wonderful machine
was announced. His wonderful ma
chine for the transformation of the
members of the club to maidens of
any age they should desire was set
up, and after many assurances of the
painlessness of the operation provided
the exact age of the candidate for
regeneration was announced, the eff
cheney of the machine was tried on
one of the oldest and dearest mem
bers of the club. After much turn
ing and crushing and breaking of
bones, the candidate appeared as a
winsome girl. Repeated trials were
all as successful, the wishes of all be-
ing gratified except Charity Longface,
whose advanced age was beyond the
capacity of the machine. But the
failure of sister of doubtful age to
abide by the condition that the exact