The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1898-08-22
A Benefaction 10 11anIsind.

What a glorious world this would be if
strife and dissension were wiped out, all
men and women were perfectly mated,
and human nature were attuned in sub
lime harmony! How paradisical would
earthly existence be If domestic jars, po-
utical squabbes, trade quarreis and the
like were forever eliminated The oft-dis-
cussed query. Is life worth living? would
be answered in stentorian tones the
trouble making element Of personal dis
agreement could be gotten rid Of. Life
would be a perpetual picnic if we only pos
sessed some absolutely reliable safeguard
against clashes because Of incompatibility
OF temperament And this is precisely
what John w. Keeley of Philadelphia pro
poses TO give to the world as one of his
many contributions towards the sum OF
human happiness.
II is hardly worth while to introduce Mr..
Kelley. Everybody knows him. Some
people are better acquainted with him, or
rather with his inventions, than they
would ike to be But that has nothing
to do with this case. Besides, MI. Kee-
10 speak is calculated to put everybody In
the best Of humor With everybody else,
and thus wipe out all previous heart
burniugs disappointments and anxieties.
MIR. Kelley has applied mechanical
science to psychology. Sympathetic sci
ence Is what he calls his new scheme.
There are a number of forces involved,
and he has constructed an apparatus TO
take up and utilize those forces. That is
essentially Kee.ey-hke. Whenever he finds
a force lying around unemployed he imme-
diately constructs an apparatus TO use it.
His discovery consists Of learning that ev
cry human being has a peculiar tone or
key, like the tone or key Of a bell or a
piece of metal, which can be ascertained
by the means of vibrations. His theory
is that no two persons should get married,
90 into business together, or become 9TH
erwise associated intimately, unless their
tones harmonic. His invention consists
of an apparatus for ascertaining infalli-
bly, the tone or key of individuals. The
subject stands upon an insulated platform
and grasps the poles of an electric bat
terry. The current is turned on, and the
character tone of the subject is rung
Should another subject of the opposite sex
be placed upon the apparatus and a per-
fectly chording tone obtain, the two might
get married with every assurance Of liv-
ing together happily ever afterwards. The
same principle applies in matters of bus
mess. Isn't the scheme beautifully sim
pie?
Mr. Kelley thinks the federal state
county and city governments of the coun-
try should take hold of the apparatus and
place it where it would do the most good
Applicants for a marriage license might
be required to step upon the platform and
have their tones taken as a prerequisite
to the issuing of the permit to commit
matrimOny; and thus the divorce court
would be eliminated. Big gas bills could
be saved by the fathers of marriageable
daughters. One of Keeleys tone takers
could be set up in the hall, and when a
| prospective sutton dropped in he could be
required to step upon it. If he CHANGED to
| be pitched in a key out of harmony with
the girls, why he would know at once that
he was wasting time; and the head of the
household would save money.
This, of course, is merely one instance
showing how the apparatus could be ap-
Piled. There are hundreds of other ways.
1t would be a positive boon in such mat
ters as the selection of officers and com
mittees for women's clubs and societies.
as well as in the sterner business of
making up presidential cabinets and va
! rious political organizations There are
millions in it," Mr.. Kelley will probably
have some stock to sell after a while.