davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
a LITTLE NONSENSE.

She here are people who use re-
ligion as a cloak Hell know IT,
.ssWhat will they do in the next world,
do you think r. Oh, they won y need
any cloak there. Yonkers Statesman.
Mrs. Skinhint Here is q ha'penny
for you, my man, and pray tell how you
came to be so miserably poor" Mem
dicant "Ah, mum! I was like you
too fond Of giving large sums of money
to the poor!' 'Tit-Bi 5ff
Incuarble.-Bing-'sYe Yes, that's old
Spriggings. Half dozen doctors have
given him up at various times during
his life" Wing what was the trouble
with him?" Bing -"He wouldn't pay
his bills" Boston Traveller.
Knew His Business.-Old Farmer
'That's a fine lot of pigs over there.
What do you feed them?" Amateur
"Why, corn, of course" Old Farmer
tin the carp Amateur-"Certainl
not; in the mouth. Chicago News.
Mrs. Jaggs-"If I got as intoxicated
as you do I'd go off somewhere and
shoot myself" Jaggs-N-no you (hic)
wouldn't, M dear. If you wash (hic)
hafsh as 'tox'cated as am you COULDN'T
(hic) hit shide of barn."-Chicago
News. *',
Cruel.-"Yes," said Miss Passeigh, II
enjoy the society of Mr.. Airylad. He
keeps me interested. He is always say
ing something that one never hears
from anybody else." ''Really!" re-
joined Miss Cayenne. "Has he been
proposing to you, too?"- Washington
Star.
Lady Bicyclist (hysterically)-"Oh,
Mr.. Officer, Mr.. Officer, somebody has
stolen my bicycle" Officer "What
kind of bicycle was it?" Lady BIZ
cyclist-"Why, it was a high-geared,
hollow-axle, self-oiling, detachable
tires, movable spoke-studs, double ball.
bearings, and-oh, yes, now come to
think of it my baby was attached te
the handle-bars. '-Tt-Bits.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
BROUGHT IN AND QUESTIONED.

BROUGHT IN AND QUESTIONED.
the eyes of the police the end justifies
the means, and an experienced officer
and thief-catcher such as Inspector
Shea has very little sympathy with sen.
timental theories.
If man really attempts to reform
will he be able to do it? Will the police
prosecute him and call up his past and
prevent his earning an honest livcli-
hood? The police say not. It is claimed
that many reformed crooks are living
quietly in Chicago without any bother
from the police. Some of them have de.
odorized their records and gone into
politics with great success.
When Maj. McClaughry came to Chi.
cago to be chief of police under Hemp
stead Washburne he visited every sta
ton in Chicago and met face to face
every officer in the entire depart
ment. While on his rounds he found
two policemen whom he had known as
convicts in Joliet penitentiary when he
was warden there. He recognized them
as they stood in line, and of course
they recognized him. Both men came
to the chiefs Office to plead with him.
They expected to be let off the force,
but the chief assured each man that he
might remain in the department on his
merits as an officer, and the fact that he
had been convict would not count
against him in the least. He also prom
Used to keep the secret: Both men had
made good policemen and had lived
down their early misfortunes.-Chica-
go Record.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
tailor told me that he had caught him

tailor told me that he had caught him
trying to get away with a bolt Of cloth.
The woman had acted as stall for him.
He had got the bolt Of cloth under his
overcoat and started down the street
with it when it fell out. The tailor saw
it and ran after him and caught him.
II says to Murphy: you have got
down to stealing bolt of cloth, have
you" Well, sir, he was all broken up.
1t Inundated him to think thata man
Of his standing in the profession should
be caught doing such cheap work. It
seemed that he had just got out of the
Ohio penitentiary a few days before
and landed in Chicago. He ran out of
money and decided to do any kind of q
small job that would give him grub
stake as he called it. He got the wom-
an to help him, and didn't think there
was chance on earth for him to fail.
AS it was he was caught as easily as if
he had been an amateur. It settled him
for another term, too, just as surely as
if he had stolen 100000"
Many people of humane sentiments
and a general ignorance of criminals
have protested against the police keep
ing watch over ex-convicts and all men
who have been photographed for the
rogues' gallery.
1t is true that certain criminals are
taken into custody on sight, whether
any definite charge can be lodged
against them or not. They are drought
in" and questioned, and sometimes
they are advised to leave town or else
threatened with bridewell sentence
on charge of vagrancy.
The claim is made that sometimes
the criminals and ex-convicts are so
harried and prosecuted by the police
that they cannot reform. The police in
tcrference prevents them from secur-
ing employment, and so long as they
are regarded as criminals and treated
as criminals they might as we'll be GRIM
inals in fact and enjoy some of the re-
wards of crime.
There is another side to this story, of
course. If the police worked on the as
sumption that every man returning
from Joliet had a sincere desire to re-
fern and lead an honest life, and there
fore was not to be kept under surveil-
lance, there is no doubt that criminals
would flock to Chicago and operate
more boldly than at present. 1t is a
fact that those cities in which the po-
lice have arbitrary power and exert it
with severity on all recorded criminals
arc the cities which the crooks give a
wide berth, and in which lite AID prop.
erty are much better protected than
they would be otherwise.
When it became a matter of general
knowledge that any known crook in
Pittsburgh would be put to work on
the stone pile without legal fuss or GER
e1nony the moral tone of the com
nunity moved up several notches. In
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
OFFICE-HOLDING TAX-EATERS.
Numbers of Persons Included in the
Civil Service Lists of Varl-
Gus Countries.

The statement was published recent
~ that the number of persons in the
classified civil service of Great Britain,
exclusive, of course, of the army, navy,
constabulary and elected officers,
amounted to 5O,OO0,. with annual pay of
e7,O00,00O or $35,0OO,O00. An official
statement made in Washington on
March 1 showed that the total number
Of of1iceholders in this country was
17S,717. The aggregate salaries amount
ed to $9O,589,927. The classified list of
officeholders numbers s7,1O8, leaving in
the unclassifed list 91,609, of whom
about $4,000 are fourth-class post
masters.
In Great Britain the post office and
telegraph Office employees are not in
cluded in the civil service. Figuring the
population of the United States as now
about double that OF Great Britain,
i, is seen that the number of persons
in the civil service of Great Britain is
relatively greater than it is here. In
France, by recent computation, there
were in the civil service of that country
100000 persons, or about one per cent.
of the population 100000 men and
$4,000 women, a total, however, which
included the. instructors in and en-
ployes of the government schools,
which in England and the United
States are local, not national concerns.
Nc one seems to know even approx
mately how many persons in Germany
are in the direct employ of the govern
ment exclusive of the army and navy.
In Austria-Hungary, where the con-
ditions of government are not much
dissimilar from those which prevail in
Germany, the civil service includes 2OO,-
GOO persons, 100000 in Austria and 80, 900
in Hungary. The Austrian method OF
computation, however, is not one which
would be likely to gain much favor
here, especially when there was legis-
lature in session at a state capital.
The Austrian division of Inhabitants is
as follows: Farmers. those engaged
in manufacture, those engaged in com
merce, capitalists, these in the civil
service, those in domestic service, and
various persons" The designation OF
''capitalist" would never do in the
United States. It would prove too elias
tic-too large when there were no taxes
to be paid, too small, perhaps, when
there were taxes to be collected-and
a subdivision of the population as cap
italists" would be awkward for another
reason, because it would be difficult to
ascertain what was the dividing line be-
tween the perjury of the majority and
the afHuence of the few, and no such
subdivision would be permanently pop
ular here. In Spain considerable num-
Der of the population are returned as
migrants and smugglers," but Spain
is the only country which preserves this
sinister subdivision of it's people, and
there is no separate subdivision for
. those in the public service, though the
colonial, maritime and customs inter
ests of. Spain require a very consider
able number of persons on the national
payroll. Italy has large civi, list, but no
stated class of migrants and SNUG
glers. "-Chicago Tribune.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Legend of the Ten Plant.

Dharma, the ascetic priest, was the
son of king of India. He went into
China, and for the space of nine years
he remained in contemplation in a
temple. Later he went to Japan, and
he died on Mount Katavka. He imposed
upon himself, as the first rule of his
life, privation from sleep. One day,
indignant at falling asleep, he cut off
his eyelids and threw them away as
miserable sinners. From the spot where
the eyelids had fallen sprang up bush
which is the tea plant, affording the
perfumed beverage which chases away
sleep.-Vick's Magazine.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
haf s1so J! ! EllfSS
~ =
SPRING FANCiES.

Against the gray of wintry sky s1
The trees outline their perfect grace:
Along the branches lifted high ~
The slender twigs, methinks, do trace
Quaint characters, whose mystery
The Dryad alphabet might be.
All, If the key were only mine
So I Right read what's written there!
Is 1t tho tale of maid divine, go,
Imprisoned Daphne, young and fair,
All conscious of the coming spring
BY inward throb and quivering?
Or Is 1t but the written song
Murmured so softly to the trees.
Through all the summer borne along
On every tender, balmy breeze
The lullaby for birds at rest
Rocking all safely in the nest?
1t is a message for the spring,
To bid her hasten back again, l.
Her every influence sweet to bring
The warmer sun, the gentler rain,
The softer breeze that bears along
Each early birds sweet wooing song7
So pleasant fancies come and go
If skies be bright or skies be gray;
I cannot gaze 80 long, know,
Toward heaven when brighter is the day
When leaves shall come they'll hide fror
me
The slender twig's weird tracery.
-Isidor D. French, In Boston Transcript.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21

She Made Her Mark.
All, plain was her face and her figure lacked
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21

There is more Catarrh in this section of
the country than all other diseases put to-
gether, and until the last few years was
supposed to be incurable. For great many
years doctors pronounced it local disease,
and prescribed local remedies, and by con-
stantly failing to cure with local treatment,
pronounced it incurable. Science has proven
catarrh to be constitutional disease, and
therefore requires constitutional treatment.
Halls Catarrh Cure, manufactured by F. j.
constitutional cure on the market. It is
taken internally in doses from 10 drops to a
teaspoonful,, It acts directly on the blood
and mucous surfaces of the system. They
offer one hundred dollars for any case it
fails to cure. Send for circulars and testi-
monials. Address F. j. Cheney & Co., To-
Iedo, 0. Sold by Druggists, 75c
Halls Family Pills are the best.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21


took nearly all the medicine, but still the
trouble became worse, and felt that my
condition was hopeless. tried several rem
out benefit. After had been suffering sew
eral months, Thomas Campbell, also resi-
dent Of this city, urged me to try DR.. Will
Hams Pink Pills for Pale People,.
He finally persuaded me to buy box
and | began to use the pills according to
directions. Before had taken the second
box began to feel relieved, and after taking
a few more boxes, I considered myself re-
stored to health. The pills gave me new
| life, strength, ambition and happiness
DIR. Williams Pink Pills cure dyspepsia
by restoring to the blood the requisite con-
| stituents Of life, by renewing the nerve force
and enabling the stomach to promptly and
properly assimilate the food. These pills are
specific for all diseases having their origi-
nation in impoverished blood or disordered
nerves They contain every element requi-
site to general nutrition, to restore strength
to the weak, good health to the ailing.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
SHE TOOK THE HINT,
And Then Proceeded to Display Her
Immense Ingenuity.


At home stations the private soldiers
washing is usually done by the married SOL
diers' wi YES, who are expected to sew: on
missing buttons. and do repairs, for which
small sum is deducted from the private's
pay.
Pat McGinnis had good deal of trouble
with his laundress;, Sunday after Sunday
ton off, or else hanging by thread. He
had spoken to her on the subject and she
had promised to see to it, but still the but
ton was not on properly.
He got out of patience one Sunday when
the missing button had made him late for
parade, and exclaimed:
"Bother the woman! I'll see if I can't
give her hint this time, anyhow"
He then took the lid of tin backing box,
about three inches in diameter, drilled two
holes in it with fork and sewed it on to the
neck of the shirt that was next to be
washed: When his washing came back he
found that she had taken the hint: she had
made button hole to fit it.-Detroit Free
Press
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Good SlaRninx

Little Oscar had received train Of
cars for his birthday, and he insis ted on
taking them to bed with him! His
mother protested. "You should not
take the cars to bed with you" she said.
''Why not ?" asked Oscar. These are
sleeping cars. IN. Y. Evening Journal.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
No Great Dancer.

Mrs. Watcher (pointedly)-O Mr..
Coldcash! If could only see my dear
daughter Angeline happily married I
should die content.
Mr.. Coldcash (sympathetically)-O
Mrs. Watcher! I don't think you'll die
for a great many years yet!-Puck.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Shake Into Y6ur Shoes

Aliens Foot Ease, a powder for the feet.
It cures painful, swollen, nervous, smarting
corns and bunions. It's the greatest comfort
discovery of the age. Allen s Foot Ease makes
tight or new shoes feel easy 1t is certain
cure for sweating, callous and hot, tired, ach-
ing feet. Try it today. Sold by all druggists
and shoe stores, Csc. Trial package FREE.
Address Allen S. Olmsted, LIE Roy, n Y.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
The Difference.

We've all been taught it is sin
To steal single, little pin.
Entertainments the proper caper,
Appropriate the whole, blamed paper.
PUCK.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
SPECULATIVE PHILOSOPHY.
NO Particu1ar. Fondne..

Ethel Mamma, wouldn't he be tall
If they'd roll him out 2 p Chicago Record.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Loves Labor Lost.

He looked into her eyes soulfully, but she
seemed totally oblivious of it.
There was admiration and love in his
glance, but she did not heed it.
There was passion and rapturous longing
in it, but it did not affect her.
The fact of the matter was that he was
cross-eyed and she did not know whether it
er e sde e of s tSs el se f
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
The Executioner.

At the time of the Indian mutiny a
considerable amount of rough-and-
ready justice was dealt out to the mu-
tineers caught red-handed. Asergeant
of one of the flying columns accepted
the office of executioner, and, having
had no previous experience was
thought to have sometimes given to the
patients who came under his hands
pain which might have been avoided.
His commanding officer summoned him
to reply to this charge, and his plea in
rebuttal was: "Please, sir, hadn't had
no complaints" Chambers Journal. 8
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
And She Did Not.

Jed Haycrop-Would you squeal if I
kissed you few times, Arabella?
Arabella Wheatear Indignantly
Indeed I wouldn't, Jed Haycrop. If
you want to make hog of yourself you
may do so; but won't tn. Y. World.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Then and Now.

Robbie-As understand it, the fool
ish maidens who had no oil in their
lamps could not get in:
Teacher-Precisely.
"And now days, the maidens who
have no oil in their bike lamps get
pulled in."-Yonkers Statesman.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
-=
EWhvY..

The fruit that's rich and rare and swee
Is always highest on the tree;
The things that I prefer to eat sS
Are sure to disa gree with me.
Cleveland Leader Sy5HS H.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Unsnubbed.

Miss Arabella's nose,
Was the sauciest pug in town;
But she took it to surgeon,
And he promptly turned it down.
Chicago Tribune.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
More Than Athletic.

"Webs doesn't look like an athlete,
and yet he told me that he made $1,000
by single long jump"
That's right. He jumped his bail
down in Texas detroit Free Press.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
She-Oh, John! Baby has swallowed
More WAYS Than One.

She never told her love-ah, no;
Her heart of pride suppressed it.
But she gave him timid glances, 50
He promptly up and guessed it.
Chicago Record.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21

susan-Lor, Miss Ella, I wonder
you've the 'eart to play, and you just
in your blacks for your poor uncle!
Miss Ella-Don't be silly, Susan. Can't
you see I'm only playing on the black
notes!-London Punch.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Some Folks Can't Help 1t

81 suppose" he ventured, "that you
would never speak to me again if were
to kiss you?"
ooh, George" she exclaimed, "why
don't you get over the habit of always
looking at the dark side of things
Cleveland Leader.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Accounting for 1t.

He-Every time have called on Miss
Daisy she has been out. She must have
known I was coming, don't you think
She-Not necessarily. 1t may have
been just her luck.-Brooklyn Life.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Poor Burglar,

Mrs. Benham-I believe there's q
burglar in the pantry where put the
pies I baked this afternoon.
Benham-Don't you think we ought
to send out relief expedition?-N Y.
World.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Took 1t as an Insult.

He knew what they always say, SO he
thought he would forestall her.
II suppose you've never been kissed
by man BEFORE" he said.
do l look as homely as all that?''
she demanded, haughtily.-Chicago
Post.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Safe Patriotism.

why, Jingly is fairly ablaze with the
fires of patriotism. : Luxe. III, s,...,s Il. 4 .
Eyes, his age exempts him from the
draft. Detroit Free Press.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
THE CAUSE OF DYSPEPSIA.
From the Republican, Scranton, Pa.

vitality; the absence of nerve force; the loss
of the ife-sustaining elements of the blood.
No organ can properly perform it's fdnc-
ton when the source Of nutriment fails.
When the stomach is robbed of the nourish-
ment demanded by nature, assimilation
ceases, unnatural gases are generated; the
entire systm responds to the discord.
and torture of dyspepsia is furnished by the
case of Joseph 7. Vandyke, 40 Hickory St.,
Scranton, Pa.
In telling his story, Mr. Vandyke says:
"FiVe years ago I was afflicted with a
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21

"Look here, Jackson. what about that
+ ten dollars you borrowed of me and
promised to return in ten days?" ~. =
+ why, that's all right; I'll renew the
PROMISE Chicago Record. H. l. r
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
The Good 1t Did.

Mrs. Gossip-Did your advertisement for
butler in the Daily Blaze do you any coed ?
81, M 5s FaddLOh, yes, the De Styles, the
and commented on it,
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21

Jumping q : Cocnclusion.

- = S1OnS1shSAUAAsI
Did you hear Miss Flimser say that
she had speaking acquaintance with
that 10; millionaire ~ asked Maude, scorn-
fully. .5.a N =.55s. zs.1 81
g - Yes, }" replied Mamie, with equal
scorn. IT'S the first time l knew that
she ever worked in telephone ex-
change" Washington Star. $3.50
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
The Bright Side.

We shouldn't let poverty scare US,
And thus go unmarried through life:
All the same, could marry an heiress
I'd then have capital wife.
Harlem Life. = 49,
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Comn1icated Mechan1am-

There once was tiger in Nestor.
Who lunched on lady named Esther;
That tigers now dead,
For she'd wheels in her head,
And the tiger couldn't digest her.
IN. Y. Evening Journal.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
Time 2:3O A. Nj.

Admirer-Has your father any OBJ
lection to my paying you visits, Miss
Maud?
Miss Maud-Oh, no-but-er-It think
that he'd rather you paid them in in
stallmen ts.-Brook'yn Life.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
One. Anvh6w.

young Peduncle doesn't seem to
have any high or worthy object in life. ~
20, but he has!"
"What is it?"
"The tall Miss Bullion" - Chicago
Tribune.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
It Hn. MANY cubic Feet.

Teacher-Tommy Taddles, what is a
centipede? .'.,. - Z. :. :" p.
Tommy-It is creature with hun
dred feet, ma'am.
. Name another many-footed animal"
"A gas-meter."- Town Topics. A.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21

trouble of the stomach,
which was very aggravat-
ing. I had no appetite,
could not enjoy myself at
any time, and especially
was the trouble severe
when I awoke in the morn
ing. I did not know what
the ailment was, but it be.
came speedily worse, and
l was in constant misery.
II called in my family
physician, and he dag.
nosed the case as catarrh
of the stomach. He pre-
scribed for me and I had
Hs~ o~4~4~s~>k..1. Gill;
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21

1.-THE longer I live said Mr.. Gosling-
ton, ''the more firmly. I am convinced
that the greatest Of all victories for
man to attain is the victory Of self-con-
troll No matter what he may accom-
plish in the sight Of men, there is no
victory that can equal this, gained IN q
fight Of which no man has knowledge
but himself. = - y. SUN. s ss
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21
The Only EXPLANATION,

Miller-You never see me turning
around to stare at pretty girl pass
on the street.
Baker-What! Do you mean to tell
me that your wife never allows you
to go out alone?-Cincinnati ENQUIRER.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21

She-ttNow, can you guess my age. ma.
jor?" Gallant Major-''No, l can't; but
you don't look it."-Tit- Bits.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-21

One advantage about onions, they can't
spoil. -Washington Democrat.