Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-09-25
THEY ARE SENSITIVE.
The EXCUSES OF PEOPLE WHO
CANNOT READ OR WRITE.
THE IDLER "MAKES HIS MARK"
Something About This War and the
One I'm which the Old Gentleman
Took Part-A Plea on Behalf Of the
Circus Hippopotamus.
Circus Hippopota mus.

With this issue i annex hereunto tne
immortal signature which has hitherto
shaken the financial world and caused
such changes in clearinghouse statistics.
The cross marks are mine. You VIII
note that one bears the representation OF
a pipe, which is symbolical OF that domes-
tic happiness which has made me the
criterion of husbands and fathers. The
Ratchet IS an emblem OF veracity. and in
dicates that henceforth. as in the past,
my pen shall unswervingly follow the path
marked out by truth; the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth. Indeed 1 detest
mendacity. | cannot abide lying, when
there is the slightest possibility of de-
lection or when no practical purpose is
served thereby. Those who take issue
with me are respectfully referred to'Acts
", 5th verse. ct sequitur. Vide Bible.
Hanover people are the most sensitive
folk on earth, and though you could nat
ten buckshot by shooting II against some
OF their hldes-or rather against the hides
of some of them-you can wound their
feelings by the drop Of handkerchief.
In this respect they are regular hot-house
plants and have TO be dealt with as ten
derby as infants, aged two hours
great many of my old-time neighbors OF
the "slashes" never had the benefits OF
college education, and therefore cannot
read or write This Is one reason why
they always looked up TO me so; also the
reason why they always look ne up when
they come to town TO stay fourteen weeks.
Indeed, they fairly worship my culture.
You couldn't get one Of 'em to acknow-
ledge that he was unable to read or write,
and they're always on the watch to hide
their ignorance. It's sore subject with
them, and for people whose knowledge is
not encyclopaedia. they can keep quiet
smarter than any race I know. When go
up there occasionally on court days they
don't stultify themselves by asking ques-
tons; they simply open their mouths. let
their lower jaws drop. and nose around In
quiet way, which beats the methods or
Sherlock Holmes. And what with
chewing OF terbacker and a whiting of
forever busy, and through their amber
tinted whiskers drink in all the latest
facts of the day. At nightfall after they
have shufiied homewards TO the accom-
paniment Of the whippoorwills' ditties,
they tell their wives that "city people" are
wearing poker-dot socks. and that era
watts made Of United States flags are the
vogue in Richmond. They draw these
deductions from my personal appearance.
And furthermore they aver to their curious
and news-hungry consorts that "clty peo-
pie" now use OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES with
large horsehoes imprinted upon them,
and that it's the fashion for rich folk to
have shiny fngernails and no whskers on |
their faces They are brainy people, |
these Hanover neighbors of mine, and |
never lose opportunities 10 learn. When |
/ comes right down TO hard-pan. 1 con-
slider the county seat the Athens Of the
south.
And you can't fool any of them into
their inability TO read or
you can't! They always get
)ut of 1t in some way. It's forever and |
,ternally some excuse. Recently, while |
n this county on a very important cow
ase, which involved $l3.I, that had been
swept away from an honest husbandman
~ a soulless corporation, l had occasion
% discover a very amusing paragraph in
he newspaper in which l had wrapped
ny snack. Knowing that Hanover people
owe humor as much as they do water
melon, called the attention OF one of my
I'd neighbors to the joke. Holding the
'aper upside down for a few minutes, he
quinted at il very uneasily with a ruddy
lush mantling his freckled neck, and
hen. recovering himself completely. he
aid Indignantly: Darn them dag-goned
newspapers they print in Richmond
ant read their print at all without my
PEGS. Would you mind readin' the ar
ickle out loud for me?
The sense OF my superiority kinder"
ozed through my system like BRASS
and tied TO the after-effects of glass |
( apple-toddy, and seeking TO humlliate
Their citizens / turned TO a -boned |
awk with callous spots on his hands and
equested him to read aloud the para |
raph.
This individual had been so absorbed
I taking an ocular inventory of my per-
onal appearance that he was practically I
a trance when / addressed him, and IT {
)ok him at least a minute 10 gulp down s
ly meaning. When ne saw that he was
allied upon 10 read he was fully equal to
re emergency. NAV says / mustn't be 7
sing OF my eyes long, as I've got this /
lrnation neuralgy in my face" drawled 6
e. and with that he again assaulted his c
lick with a jackknife and lapsed into (
lence. {
There are many people who can spell r
1T words "a little bit" but are terribly d
laky and possibly helpless on penman- J.
Zip. OF this class are several of my v
onest agricultural Hanover friends. b
ERE you to charge them with inability I
write they would either deny the alle- {
ltion altogether i'm plain, hat-footed S
nguage or plead by way OF confession j:
id avoidance. But there are blessed | e
w who would come right out and say:
cannot sign my name" When put 10 4
e test they are full OF excuses The b
al pencil is missing or there IS no pen 10 p
had or the light is bad, or their fingers a
e stiff. or something very serious Is the i
after. But II finally pinned down and 81
rnished with pen or pencil they wind o.
, by getting somebody 10 hold their 4
lnds," or more embarrassing still, they Il
II merely make their marks When
ey transfer their broad acres and ~
cessity must sign a deed (Which OF
urse, necessitates my presence as
tary public somewhere In the neigh
rhood, they invariably apologize for
laking their marks" instead OF affixing
cir signatures. Some Of them spend
urs explaining the why's and where