The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1898-03-31
EPIsTLEs TO ST. PAUL.


"Slim JIM Ahern says that mar could
not get drink of water at "Jim'' Nugent's
house on an order from the master thereof.
MRS. Nugent's faith in humanity was shat
tered long ago, so far as honorng orders
from her husband goes. 1t came about this
way. Mr. Ahern tells the story, and Of
course 1t cannot be told as he tells It, for 1t
isn't possible to make the types express as
much as his Delsartean hands do:
one day when 1t was pretty sloppy wealth.
er out OF doors we sat around in the city
nall and waited for some one to come in
with CAMP and lay it down for a min
| ute.
Campo Why. mush.' tent umbrella
don't you understand English? In those
DAYS Dick O'Connor had an Office In the
court mouse and l wandered over to see If
| there was anything that would do in his
shop. When 1 fash, Dick says: 'Hullo. Jim.
| can you stake me to a mush?' Then threw
| up my mfts and told him 1 was rubbering
| for one.
:" I'll tell says Dick. You know that
Jim Nugent has a collection, let's make a
requ1sition on him.. Do know that he has
collection? I know that he never saw a
mush In his life without nickin' it. and I'm
| IN We get together and send this note tn
Mrs. Nugent:
Send me three OF the best umbrellas in
the house. I'm going to bring home some
FRIENDS. Yours. JIM
| I'VE got three Of them, lulus, too. and l
was given to understand that when Jim went
home and found out what he had been
against he climbed right straight up the wall
| to the ceiling-one hand. too
| Ever hear about the Dutch policeman who
| arrested the American for lese majestic"
asked Rukard Hurd of little knot of friends
VINO were exchanging condolences and stories
with him. No. Of course not, you couldn't
very WELL for have it right from Berlin.
Well. there were couple of Americans
| knocking about In Berlin and they heard a
| great deal about Emperor William and his
doings. They got rather sick of hearing SO
! much of him, and one day as they stood on
| the street reading poster announcement of
the production of some tableaux under his
| direction one of them remarked
" The emperor makes me sick; he's
id socI' ca ' "a
| He hadn't quite, got it out of him when
| big policeman rushed up. sword in hand,
grabbed him by the neck and said:
g I arrest YOU
| :" What for demanded the victim.
| " Lese majeste;4 bert you call der Herr
Emperor a tam fool, Come NIT me-
That rather Knocked the Yankee for a
minute. but he came too.
| I wasn't talking about your emperor he
explained; I meant the emperor of Russia
" Not by your 4ife.a said the policeman,
| You said tam fool9 and dere ish no tam fool
emperor bud de emperor of Chermany'
Il see, said an employe in the city clerks
office. that some reformer is kicking te-
cause the CITY clerk gets n d-sjz lor
while his clerks do all the work. He sug-
gests that the Office of clerk should be left
vacant and that SIS month deputy tie
| permitted to run the thing
Don't you see," added this ingenious
young man. that that would never do at
all. and that the clerks salary is none too
high. Suppose he does get $4,000 a year.
what good does it do him? There is q cam
paign every other year, and he has to give
up $1,000 this spring alone.'
p. Leander Richardson, who has some fame
| on the Rialto, in New York, and who is
now the editor of the New York telegram
sent l.. N. Scott an arrangement of a song
of his the other day and it was given fer the
first time in public by the orchestra at the
Metropolitan last night. The title of 1t is
Ma Sweetest Girl, and 1t has all of the
elements of popular bit. Mr.. Richardson
has wooed the muse before, but this is the
first time that he has appealed to the public
with Andrew Mack as score writer.
Senator Tim" Sheehan has spent a goodIv
amount of time investigating the condition Of
the Minnesota Savings bank of which he Is
receiver. but he confesses that he is not vet
on speaking terms with the extremely shv
young thing known to some other RECEIVERS
as the dividend. 1t seems that when Mr.
Sheehan took possession of tie bank there
was in the money drawer the sole represen e
tive of capital or deposits in tangible TO m
one dollar bill. An acquaintance met Mr.
Sheehan in the elevator the other day.
We'll" he remarked with assumed CHI GER
fulness-he was a depositor-"when do you
expect to declare a dividend"
III tell you what think I'll do" said the
senator Il think I'll have a photograph of
that one dollar bill made and declare a.
dividend now-send copy of the photograph
to each of the derositors''
A sad eyed man stood in front of the
postoffice yesterday afternoon and stared
pensively cut into space An acquaintance
came up and punched him in the back.
What's the matter, old man." he asked
Nothing much, only another ideal gone
another delusion dispelled. It's hollow
world
why. what's the trouble?"
We'll" said the sad-eyed man, &c you see
never was near salt water in my life, but
I've always been enamored of the sea- and
when kid l used to be the leader of
gang of youthful pirates and had cave un-
der Dayton's bluff and a bark in the form of
fiat-bottomed boat. in which myself and a
merry crew were wont to make imaginary
attacks on the commerce of the river. l used
to cal the kids who didn't be.ong to NV
crowd land lubbers, and make them walk the
plank, as we called tie springboard we
used to dive off. 1 read Marryatt and Dana
and the rest of them until 1 was just sat
urated with the scent of biIge water.
I'm my youth the boatswain of the man-o'-
war's-man was the ideal sailor. 1 used to
SILVER when 1 thought of him going about
with his pipe in one hand and cat-o'-nine-
tails in the other roaring out Tumble up
there. you swabs! tumble up lively or
'shiver my timbers I'll have every mothers
son of you triced up in the main gangway in
jify!' He was tough, knotted old tar
bucket with guild in his face and roll that
he could not keep inside of those rails out
there. Today 1 heard that there was bo'sun
attached to this naval board and came I'D
to refresh my youthful fancy. That's why
I'm depressed 1 went up stairs and saw a
man with SO much gold lace on him that 1
thought he must be the admiral. l took off
my hat and said:
Sir will you pardon me, but would like
to see the boatswain. ne
I'm the boatsWain. said he; in what may
favor your %
You see what fsp the matter In one second