The herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1893-1900, 1898-07-03
AN ARMY OF MULES
Mr.. Doolsy Tells How to End the
f War

II see." said Mr.. Dooley, 9TH frst gr-reat
land battle Nv tn war has been fought"
fs"Where was that?" demanded Mr.. Hem
messy, in great excitement. Lord save usi
but where was that?"
9TH Alger guards" said Mr.. Dooley.
"bruk firm the corral where they had thin
tied up, attn thistles, an med desperate
charge an tn camp at Tampa. They day.
scfnded like whur-rlwind dhriyin' In
astohished throops" befure thin. an thin
charged back again, compietins their
earned w. destruction. At tn las account
tn brave sojers was climbin' threes an
tillygraft poles, an rig mint Nv mules
was kickin' TIL pink silk linin out with.
officers quarthers. The gallant mules was
led be a most courageous jackass, an, tits
understand that me frind. Mack, will an
pint him brgadier gin-ral JUS as soon
as he can find out who his father IL. IT'S
too bad he'll have no childer to perpituates
TIL fame iv him. He whit through tn camp
at tn" head Nv his throops Nv mules without
castin' shoe. Hos TIL biggest jackass In
Tampa today. not ixceptin' tn cinsor. an
doubt if they'se a bigger wan in WASH
'n'ton, though 1 cud name a few that cudV
thry race with him. Anyhow, they'll
know how to reward him. They know a
Jackass whin they see wan, an they see a
good many in that peaceful city. h! &
"Th' charge Nv Tampall go into histhry
as tn first land action Nv tn war. An.
be tn way, Hinnissy, If this here socisble
is FIR to go on at tn prisint rate, I'm
sthrong to arm tn wild army mules an
tn unbridled jackasses Nv tn pe-rary, an
give thin chanst to set Cuba Free Up to
this time tn only hero kilt on tn Spanish
side was a jackass that poked an ear above
tn batteries at Nationals fr to hear what
was goin' on. Behold says Sampson, IN:
insolnce iv tn foe,' he says. Form In
line Nv battle an hur-rl death an destruc-
ton at yon Castilyan gin'ral' Wait, says
an officer; it may be wan Nv our own min.
1t looks like tn sicrety w. Hush, says
tn commander. 1t can't be an American
jackass, or he'd speak, he says. FIRE on y
him. Shot after shot fell round tn In
threpd ass, but he remained firm till tn
dynamite boat Vesoovyus fired three hun
dhred an forty thousand pounds Nv gun
cotton at him, an tn poor crather was
smothered to death. Now, says I, give these
Tampa mules a chanst, an we'll have NO
need iv wastin' ammun-nition. Properly
led, they'r go firm wan end Nv Cuba to tn
other, kickin' tn excelsior out Nv livery
stuffed Spanish gin'ral firm Bahoohoo,
Hoondoo, to Santiago de Cuba. They'd be
no loss Nv life. TIL sojers who haven't gone
away cud come home an, get cured Nv tn
measles an tn whoopin' cough, an tn
cholera infantum befure tn public schools
opens in tn. fall, an Everything vuld be
peaceful an quiet an prosperous TIL off,
GERS In tn field at prisint Is we'll qualified
rr command Nv tn now ARMY, an II
they'd put binders. on tn mules they wud-
dent be scared back be wan Nv thin Spanish
fleets that a Jackass sees whin he's been
up all night, secretly stuffin himself with
silo. They'd give wan hew-haw an follow
their leaders through tn ;hear-rt Nv the
lnnimy's country. But give thin Sth'
wurrud to git up. an they'd ate their
thistles undher tn guns Nv some OIL Moro
astle befure night. Z ~rs
Eye don't see tn diff renee, says ye.
They amt amy Nv tn leaders. AS efficient
a lot Nv mules as iver exposed their ears.
TIL trouble 10 with tn rank an fiie.
men. What's needed to carry on
this wars at It goes today is an army w
jacks an mules. Whin ye say to a man;
CIT ap whoa. gee. back up, get alang! he
don't know what ye'er dhrivin' at or 10.
Put mule hears tn ordhers with nlo1azl,
choly smile. dhrops his ears, an follows
his war-rm, moist breath. TIL ordhers
firm Washington is perfectly comprehensi-
BILE to a poor foolish man. No human bein'.
can understand what tn divvla
use 1t was to sink a ship that cost two
hundred thousan' dollars an was worth
at least eighty dollars in Sandago harbor
IL we have to keep fourteen ships outside
to prayvint five Spanish ships firm sailin'.
Thu poor, tired human mind don't tumble.
Hinnissy, to tn rayson fr landin' four
hundred marines at Guanotommy to clear
tn forests wllin Havana is Twin free on
hot .amales an ice cream. TIL mind Nv
q Demostheens or a Tim Hogan would be
crippled thryin to figure out why throops
ar-re stint out firm Tampa an thin or
dhered back through a speakin' chube
while wan Nv tn new brigadeer- Gin rails
has his hands manicured an says good-by
to his nurse. But 1t ought to be as plain tO
tn mule that hears 1t as 1t is to tn jack
asses that gets it up. What we need. Hin
missy, is a perfect understandin' between
tn ARMY an tn administration. We
need what Hogan calls tn esphrite tn
corpse, an We'll on'y have it whin tn
mules begins to move"
II shud thing" said Mr.. Hennessy, now
that tn jackasses has begun to be on
aisy-"
1--WE ought to be afraid tn cabinet an
ar board av s.hrateejy'll be stampeded?"
Mr.. Dooley interrupted. "Niver fear.
They're too near tn fodder. Ye cuddent
throw a fright into thin II We was to build
a fire undher TIL barn."-ChicaEo Journal.