The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1898-02-04
The Question of Long engagements

Our remarks, the other day, in disap-
proval of long engagements of marriage
have brought out this question from a
young man in Brooklyn:
"To THE EDITOR OF THE sUS-Sir: A young man is
in love with a young lady. but his parents are rather
opposed to his having anything to do with her. The
young lady in question reciprocates his feeling. He.
being in tho employ Of his father. is somewhat de.
pendent on him. Now, here comes the question Of
long engagements and the so-called monopolizing the
lady. He has no definite position at hand which will
enable him TO keep n wife. and cannot tell when he
will get 1t. Should they not have some understand.
ing between them and settle how they will deal with
the matter? 1t seems very clear that II he were to
stand up for his right there would be q row, aud he
would be apt to lose his Job"
h great body of young people to the
contrary, Notwithstanding, 1t may fairly be
assumed that when parents object to the
marriage engagements of their children
they have good reason on their side. They
have the advantage over the young people
that they can look at the matter coolly,
while the judgment of the others Is sacri-
feed to mere sentiment and perhaps re.
placed by sheer illusion. Very likely, how
ever, our young friends father would nave
ho opJCStloh " thc luucuulpc cDRdReHenU
suggested, feeling that in all probability it
would come to nothing but THE Suns
opposition to such a conditional engage
ment was that usually the man alone
profits by it, and we were speaking
in the girls interest more particu.
larly. The young man may change
his mind in the course of his indefinite en-
gagement our friend thinks now that no
IL variation would be possible for him,
but 1t is more thar possible; it Is probable.
He may cool off as time goes on, and the
fulflment of the promise which he is so
eager to make now may become irksome to
him.. He is a very young man, and a few
more years may change his sentimental
bent completely. If circumstances ia
vored his marrying the girl forthwith,
the union would not only be made GER
tain, but the chances are also that 1t
would turn out happily, for. On the whole,
early marriages before character has
hardened and habits have become fixed
are most likely to be successful matrimo-
NAL ventures. But in a long engagement,
extending over years, there is no such oppor-
tunity for the two to be moulded together
as actual matrimony affords, and, apart,
the older they grow the less plastic they
become. When the changed circumstance
enabling our young friend to take a wife
shall come to pass he may find that they
have brought with them n change in his
disposition bringing hin nearer TO that
view Of the sort of wife he ought to have
against which he now rebels in his father.
Meantime what is to become of the girl ?
In her there may have been no change of
feeling. She may have felt herself to he as
much bound to him as II she had married
him, taking the betrothal as a very serious
matter, as it should be taken always, and
not as an engagement to be broken when
ever within or interest or tickle fancy shall
prompt the rupture.
Our Brooklyn inquirer cannot marry the
girl now because he is unable to support a
wife, and his father, on whom he is de.
pendent, is u~nfavorable to the match. He
wants her, therefore, to wait until some
indefinite time in the future, each p~ledging
fidelity to the other. That is not strictly
an engagement of marriage; it is simply a
promise of each to marry tine other II either
shall marry at all, though actually it will
mean that IL both remain of the same mind
they will marry If an opportune time comes.