The times., 1898-10-16
A Collection Of Noteworthy
Things from that Tongue.
FUNNY. WISE AND WITTY
Somebody Has Gathered Up Smart
or Ludicrous Remarks Apparently
Whole Lot to the Bright sons of
Erin-A Few Old Acqualntances.

things, the London TelogTaph offers an
assortment of stories, beginning with this
reply of peasant to his priest. "Ah!
Mick. Mick" said his reverence com
ing from the public house again?" 'of
course. Father" said Mick; sure L
can't always stay there" An old coun-
trywoman visiting the dairy show at
Dublin saw an incubator for the first
time "Ah! then, won't II be CRATE
aise to the hins entirely was her
whimsical comment. Another delightful
matter-of-fact comment on an uncom-
mon and unusual circumstance is con-
tanned in the following anecdote: Pat, is
this true that hear2'' said landlord
to one of his tenants whom he had acci-
dentally met. AN what's that, yer hon
ner?" That you are going to marry
again" Faith, that's so, yer homer"
But your first wife has only been dead
a few months," exclaimed the landlord
Sure said Pat, shes as dead now as
she liver will be. ser honner," stew
ard of an Irish estate was asked by
visitor whether certain trees were old.
We'll. sir thin that planted thin won't
have the toothache any longer" was the
mysterious reply. A horse dealer while
examining restive animal at Ballinasloe
fair had a narrow escape from a bad
kick. Faith. I'll have nothin' to do
with that boyo," said he He's as han
dy with his hind legs as a pugilist."
During the Crimean war the supply
Of taIIow was limited, and, as a conse-
10, A
woman was charged halfpenny in
stead of a farthing for a taliow candle
Al the village shop. SOW. how is That.
Mr. O'Brien?" she inquired. It's due
TO the war, ma'am," said the shopkeep-
er We'll" exclaimed the woman, II
niver knew they HGht by candle!isht
beforei" a gentleman once said to
milkman, who admitted that he went
with his pail occasionally TO the pump,
How do you know, Tom, WREN to stop
watering the mi n 'Besg, "a, ye. II III
ner, ! go on waterin' until the custom
ers cry out agin it, was the candid re-
ply farmers wife bought box of
matches in a shop in Limerick on her
weekly visit to the city. on the next
market day she returned the matches,
as they Were damp. They're all right,
ma am" said the shopkeeper. Look II
this" and he lit one of the matches by
rubbing ii on the leg of cne OF his
trousers -'Arrah, get out with you,
cried the countrywoman. when want
TO light the fire must l come in SIX
miles from Ballyneety to strike q
match On your ould britches?" There
is a classic locality in Dublin known as
Pill Lane. The way to the Four Courts
from the northern part of the city. lies
through it AS a distinguished member
Of the Irish bar passed down the lane
one day the following conversation tool
place between a fishwoman and man
''Faix. if ye had all the larnin' thai
that gintleman has got undher his hail
We might consider yeself a wise man,
said the woman "Oh, then, Ia sooner
have the money he has In his purse,
replied the man. More fool you, thin,
said the woman; sure, It's with theh
brains the likes of him fills their pock
cts"
/ think it will be admitted that thes
axpressions-absurd quaint, audacious
whimsical and extravagant-which ris
spontaneously and necessarily TO the lip
Of the Irish peasantry, have charm JUS
as subtle and just as delicious as IN
most brilliant dashes of wit and humor
A woman went to her parish priest il
belfast and complained of the cOnduc
of her husband He drank all his wages
he beat her frequently, and he rarel
went to mass on Sundays. rs the ma
. Catholic at alp asked the priest. hor
rtiied at the long Iitauy Of the husband
inIauities "Musha. yer riverence, 1t
too good 4 Catholic he is was the wife
comical reply IF my Tim had his wa
he'd knock the heads off all the Protest
ants between this and Dublin An oil
peasant woman who spoke little Eng
ush was examined by her priest-wh
told me the stOry-as TO her knowledg
Of the doctrines of the Catholic church
She was asked. among other question:
10 repeat the names Of the Trinity
Father. Son" she replied: and then. al
ter a pause. she added: "Faix, your riy
erence. I forgit the name Of the Othe
ginsleman" friend of mine found tw
countrymen in the dust Of the highway
The uppermost was humping the lower
most Ny friend said: Let him get VI
.Tis a cowardly thing to hit a fello'
when he's down" The victor painted
Yer honer'd niver be after asl1in' m
to let him M az We knew the thrubb'
had to down him." The governor Of
prison in Limerick told me an amusin
story Of a refractory prisoner with whor
he had once to deal The man refused I
work on the treadmill. and was brOugh
before the governor for dis0bedience c
the warder's orders. The governor ash
ed him what objection he had TO workin
on the treadmiu. ME go on the threat
MILL he cried. "Niver sorr'' An,
proudly drawing himself up. he added
I'D rather lave the jail first"
The boy being father to the man, II
same quality of unconscious humor is
be found among the youth of ireland
Roman Catholic bishop was examining
class of schoolboys in the doctrines of Il
church preparatory to the administratic
of confirmation What is cursing?" !
asked one youth wishing i'll to a neigl
bor." came the stereotyped reply. 'Ca
any boy give me a better definition
said the bishop. Go to the divil. n
lord" cried a bright little boy at the er
OF the class. = youth in another conf
nation class was asked the meaning
"a clear conscience" 1T names a cIar
inside" was the reply. A school insr e
tor told me that while examining cla
OF small boys in geography in nation
school in a remote part Of Ireland, he pl
the question. What is a lake?' Sur
It's the hole in a kittle. sur" said one
the youths. 1t was the only "lake" wi
which he was acquainted. 4 little bc
was caught by an irate farmer up in OF
of his apple trees. Come down this 4
stant," roared the farmer. land I'll gi'
YOU a sound box in the ear. "
bl'guard." "Troth, sur, / would't con
down if you'd give me a Dozen" was Il
reply.
Irish domestics are widely noted f
their simplicity and their quaint remara
a lady desiring to make the most of h
choice tap of table beer. the merits
which her servants had discovered. for
disappeared rapidly. thus addressed h
Irish butler: "Daly. what do you thin