Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-12-18
TERRIBLE OLD DANES
THE IDLER HAS SOMETHING TO SAY
ABOUT ANCIENT LADTEs.
BRISFLIHG WITH CURIOSITY
And Not Averse to Gossip, Either
Their whispered BITS Of News-rhs
Santa Claus Fraud and the Dim-
Guilty of Perpotuating 1t.


curiosity, but in many other respects.
Take pussy, for instance. AS long as
she's kitten she is very cunning and
sweet, but when she gets to be cat she's
pesky mean oritter that spits at you
and arches her back at the slightest pro-
vocation. And It's the same way with
woman. When she's girl everything she
does is cute ana sassy and lovable, but
when she aocumulates the recoilections
Of too many birthday anniversaries we say
broom. though the woman is mighty apt
to get 1t first.
Now no sane man, who tries to pre-
serve his hide intact, would come right
amt exactly doing 1t myself. / say old
women are like cats, and this reservation.
or rather this word odd" saves my life.
You know the fair sex aren't given to
publishing newspaper cards announcing
that they're fully matured and that they
ought to be pigeon-holed in the envelope
for antiques. Not a bit Of it. You may
even show them the family Bible, but
when confronted with the hard cold dates
they'll meet the difficulty by saying, "A
woman is as old as she looks" and that
knocks you higher than a kite. A man
might know that a female was con-
temporary of the Pharaohs of Egypt, but
that male creature never yet wore pants
who would come right out and tell wo-
man that she looked old.
And so when / refer TO old ladies I do
so without fear Of danger. for not one OF
them regards herself as representative OF
this class. The individuals to whom /
have reference are as rare as horsehair
snakes or sea-serpents. They are not the
kind that plead guilty, SO I'm safe.
It's a mistake TO suppose all the gossip
ing and small talk In this world is done
by these red checked, silk-lned. musk
scented girls that drop in 10 see your wife
and ignore all the married men in the
house. They're too busy chatting and
chirping about themselves and their beaux
and their furs and their popularity TO
bother with gossip. It's the old women
who represent Dame Rumor-the ener-
getic, gad-about relics who pompously i'm
part the information which let's out all
The hot stun from Pandoras box. When
an old lady conhdentially whispers gos-
sipy tid-bit into another old lady's ear
you may look out for trouble. The mere
fact that IL is told in confidence scatters
the story like the several parts of dam
ielion struck by a puff OF wind. And
..-bfg a.
In awed tones to the re-
ceptive ear Of the listener-you can bet
he subject matter is rich, rare, and racy.
Ofttimes old ladies drop in to see the
n-Chief mot that she's old;
excuse me. / amt saying that, and that's
The way / know their tricks. When they
AXE off their wraps they sweep the whole
house with one eagle glance 10 sec IL
we've got anything new. and then they
Begin. For an hour the vilihcation COM
nittee goes the gait OF a Coney-island
Such a whispering and
,hattering and a cackling you never
leard Maybe they've just gotten In from
,hurch, and If that's the case they're
,ristlne like porcupines with news. In
erspersed throughout the dialogues you
lear the expressions, Go way. Bette,
'ou know that amt So" or Hush, Maud,
'ou don't say So" or why didn't you
ell me that, Sallie," or something equal
Y indicative of intense excitement. And
I you listen (Which you can't do without
,oing crazy, II you're nam. you'll
Inally hear the voices lowered. and after
he conversation has waged soto voce for |
ONE moments one of the party will burt |
ut: II always knew she was risky |
iece." That, by the way, is about the |
My part Of the colloquy you would rsal-
Y like TO hear, but your eavesdropping IS
I this point rebuked by further whisper
lgs.
Old ladies' are independent as wood
awyers. They don't have 10 worry about
scorts at night, for instinct tells them |
hey are always safe from mankind, and
ence they can paddle around at all times.
hey have a universal entree. and when
ccasion demands can be tremendously
greeable. They appear 10 take so much
,terest in you, and what Is more, this
lterest is sincere. Curiosity is one OF
he sIncerest things on record. In one
linute they can pump a man dry. and
len when you tell your wife what you've
aid TO them she gets hopping mad and
Ills you a blatant ass. She forgives her.
III II she talks too much. Women are
nusually forgiving towards themselves.
Maybe you incidentally remark when
GU see the old ladies that the baby Is
elinquent In the matter OF teeth, ana
Zen the rumor gets out that the little
iffer Is so backward his parents fear he
idotic. It's the old ladies who are az
IL bottom OF this report. And It's the
d ladies' who whisper you are living I'M
apply with your wife (Which most pro-
ably Is the case). and that one OF the
,ost good -for-nothing fellows I'm town IL
,urting your daughter. It's the old la
es who say your wall paper doesn't
latch your carpet, and that your young
lie has had a fuss with your mother.
ont talk TO me about these old ladies
,at stick their noses in everything and
, shifting and smelling around like cats.
like nice, plump. juicy young girls. that
IN giggle and eat candy all day. or rat.
atronly danes who have reared eight or
N children and view the world through
nient spectacles. On. the whole. how
yer, believe like nice. plump young
iris the best Of all.
II there's a single nook or Granny In
ur household where the youngsters don't
tick their noses / would like TO have II
ointed out 10 me. Now that Christ
las Is coming OMIT seems 10
10 II comes every two weeks,
nyhow-we have our hands full
lstaInng this Santa Claus fraud. The
ew express wagon we have just bought
NJ the woolly sheep which grunts on be-
IL pressed In its bread-basket have given
) pecks OF trouble. We don't know where
hide the things. II appears 10 me that
rover Cleveland. our firstborn. can ac-
tally smell the paint on toy when it's
roueht 10 the house. He's at that age