davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18
IRoNIcAL IFS.

II there was fool-killer he must
have retired from business.
IL the cause Of failure is known there
Is hope for success later on.
IL you touch the button on the tail
Of a ratatlesnake it will do the rest.
II man tips the scales at 300 his
opinion carries great weight with 1t.
II man eats fish for breakfast he
can make the other two meals OF water.
II you want a man to have faith in
your judgment just tell him that. he's
smart.
II a man is wise he will remain away
from the Klondike this spring and
avoid the rush.
If shiftless man has wife he usu-
ally blames her for his inability to
accumulate wealth.
II all flesh is grass keep-off-the-
grass sign ought to be doubly attrac-
live to obese people.
II girl jilts fellow she can never
forgive him for marrying hand
somer girl than she Is.
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18
Observe His Delicate rlat.ery.

Woman of the House-"I don't know
much about politics, but / don't think
any the more Of you, my poor man,
for boasting Of being a free silverite. !"
Tramp with his mouth fuID-"I amt
boastin' Of IL, ma'am / said I hap
pened to be born that way. We was
natchelly free silver family. They
was sixteen Of US and one gal.'-Chi-
cago Tribune.
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18

Alexander I'LL. the late car 81 n
sia, was said TO be an autoorat eyea'
the bosom OF his family. Nicholas !
however. IL the very reverse. Ha
CARDS his consort az a good cofnFs
and when In urgent cases mlnIff
saek an audience late In the eysh''
ne is Invariably to be found In her CO
pany. chatting and laughing wisae
restraint. The car Is generally oc'
pied at his desk, while the czarina y
les herself with embroidery WORK !
mediateIy minister enters che y
as II 20 retire. but more often - Y
otherwise the czar informs her y
abe Is not one too many.
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18

Water will extinguish Are because
the water forms coating over
the fuel. which keeps II from the air,
ana the conversion Of water into
steam draws of the heat from the
burning fuel. A little water makes
q ire hercer. while large quantity OF
water puts II out. The explanation
y mat water is composed Of oxygen
ana hydrogen. When, therefore. the
fire can decompose the water into 10
simple elements It serves as fuel 10 The
flames.
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18
Refreshments In seo,,.,,

IN the course Of the arguments ba
lore the house Of lords In A case 4
which the necessity for addltiona, -
freshment accommodation !, o, -
station arose Lord Watson. himself !
scotchman. interposed and rsmarh "a
mat refreshments In that part ~ sco,
whisky. a"' .nat---
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18
Method.

Tod-"What made you tell Dolly you
would give up drinking during Lent?o
Ned--"Because every time call to see
her she kisses me to find out II I nave
been doing so."-New York World.
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18

Giles-"I just heard that Hawkins re-
ferred to me as a perfect idiot" Smiles
-"oh, don't mind what Hawkins says;
he always does exaggerate more or
less. Chicago News.
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18

He-'I saw you at the theater the
other night. Wasn't it immense ?"
She-"What? The performance" He
No. Your hat. New York Her
aid.
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18

The secret Of never wanting new
things IL TO keep the old ones yell
mended. said wise housekeeprr. a.
she exhibited the shelf whsre she kept
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18
a VOID.

He--"such thing never entered my
head" She-Probably It couldn't
stand solitude."7LEaw York World.
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18

woman who win invent a really Il
tic and. at the same time. comfoFu
stocking supporter will strike a 10
dixie.
Blackfoot news. (Blackfoot, Idaho) 1891-1902, 1898-06-18

In OF n
III
Il, greed
n
B7ars. !
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
az WANTED THE CHANGE.

A storAabout lawyers is contributed
to the Yopth's Companion by West
ern correspondent. Mr.. Babeson, we
VIII call him, was a young lawyer OF
the town where the court was held,
While the opposing counsel, Mr.. Carter,
was much better known attorney Of
a neighboring city
Mr.. Babson was addressing the jury
and having explained a point Of law
10 the jurors he turned to Mr.. Carter
with the words:
Isn't that right"
Mr.. Carter thought that he had a
very verdant subject on his hands. and
with smile of conscious superiority
replied:
I have an Office in c.. and il YOU
nave any legal problems that you de-
sire to have solved, | shall be pleased
TO enllghten you, for a financial con-
sideration."
Not in the least abashed. Mr.. Bah
son drew from his pocked a ten-cent
piece, and held it out toward Mr.. Car
ter with the words:
Here, tell us what you know and
hand us back the change"
In the roar of laughter which fol-
lowed the court Joined.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
A HARD STRUGGLE.

A combination of telephone and in
toxicated man always results in a
comical muddie, observes the Cleve-
land Plain Dealer. There is no SYM
pathy about the telephone. 1t treats
the lusher in the same hard and I'M
yielding style that it does the sober
and the upright.
The other day young man bearing
heavy load walked into a down town
Office and asked the clerk il he might
call up a certain person distantly con-
nected with the establishment. The
clerk told him to so ahead. There
upon he walked into the telephone
box, took down the directory and
turned the leaves over with clumsy
fingers.
Cant fin it." he muttered and drop
ped the book on the floor. Guess I'll
call up change and ask if he's got a
phone"
He rang the bell in a jerky fash
ion and presently shouted:
VIVA matter wiz you? I want
know if MIST Helmer has f-f-phone in
his house? Wha's that? Call up four
nought-eight All RI" With great
ulLANulty HC IollSO up 1-o-o'
''Mis'r Helmer got a 'phone?" he
Queried, "Mis'r Helmer. Spell it?
H-e-l-l-got that? What's it spell?
Thass right. Has he got a phone?
Who? Why, Misr Helmer. Yes,
you've got it. Yes, Helmer. You mus,
been drinkin'. Ell? Siss thousand an
twa All ri'.'
Then he called up the exchange. An
other painful process.
SHAY, why don't you wake up?
Gimme siss-nought-main-n oght two.
OF course, thass right What in blazes
matter wiz you? Siss-main- nought-
two What's that cuttin in? Siss-
-nought-main-two. Whass mat
ter now? Yes, thass right. Thass
what l said. Well, hurry up. Yes,
s-nought-nought-m Yes, slss
S-i-x-siss Eli? Whass Eat? Lines
busy? Oh, sheol"
And the disguised man dropped the
receiver with dull thump and plung-
ed through the door.
Much Obliged he said to the clerk.
"Mush quicker fer me to take car out
to Mis'r Helmer's house. Goo MI
And he staggered through the door
and was gone.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
A PUZZLED CONSCIENCE.


Cap the Washington Star quotes
Broncho Bob addressing a man who
was a comparative stranger in Grim
son Gulch, did you ever study medi-
cine?"
Yes. But l never practced."
Il don't want anything practical.
It's too late fur that. All | want is a
little theory | heard a Teller that
used to be on a railroad talkin' and
he's got rae guessin. What l want
to know is whether there is any dis
ease that makes a man think that one
color Is another and vicy-reversy."
"Ch, yes. Color blindness is by no
means an uncommon malady. 1t oc-
ours so frequently that the railway
companies have to hold examinations
every now and then so as to make
sure that their men are able to dis
tinguish signals"
Don't the railroaders never have
no suspicions?''
"Of what?"
.Of the mems tryin' to work off
bluff, mebbe.'
mo. it is very much to the mems
disadvantage to be afflicted with color
blindness. They try to conceal it..
We'll. them was the rejoinder, af-
ter long silence, under the circum-
stances, an all things considered, |
shouldn't be surprised eff we'd been an
done it,
"Who?"
ME an the seventeen other mem
bers OF the jury
why, there are usually only twelve
on jury"
That's what Three-Finger Sam
said. But we happened to have eigh-
teen handy an we didn't wanter act
skinny an give anybody room to say
that mebbe Greaser Joe didn't git the
full benefit of law
What was the charge against him?"
"Gineral onreliability. When he
called a hand, he had way O. drop
pin the poker chips kind O careless
into the middle Of the pile SOS no
tody'd be likely to notice EN- close.
Of course if we'd have known about
this color blindness, we might have
waited an investigated. But he got
into such a habit Of mistakin' white
chips fur blue Cnes that we concluded
we'd better take the case in hand. An
| dunno's it makes such terrible lot
Of difference, cause he couldn't of
gone on playin' poker with an alflic-
ton like that, an ef he couldn't play
poker | don't believe he'd have cared
much about livin', anyhow"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16

the Baptist or Methodist church, but
they are seldom neglected to a late
age. One conspicuous exception TO
this rule occurred few years ago in
Alabama; but it must be referred for
explanation to the fact that the old
woman's dread Of the water was
stronger than her desire for salvation.
She was a Baptist by instinct, like
most Of her race, and could not con-
scientiously compromise on any other
church. Finally the son Of the old
man to whom she belonged before the
war informed her that she might safely
join the church, as he would give her
an appliance which she could wear
during the ceremony without attract
ing attention, which prevent her from
drowning in any water, however deep.
The old lady duly became a member
of. her chosen church and baptiZing
day was appointed 1t was a bright
sunday afternoon, and thousands OF
negroes and whites lined the banks of
the river to witness the final touch to
be given to the 500 who had decided
to forsake the evil of their way and
follow the Lord. The banks of the
river were preclpitous, the current rap
i'd. A hymn was sung; then the Ven
cradle ''pason,' wearing a long-tailed
coat and an exalted hat, marched down
the bank, leading the old lady into
the cleansing waves. as she passed
along her friends noticed that her
portly person looked even more stu
pendous than ordinarily. But she was
entering the water, and there was no
further time for caDtious criticism.
The preacher offered prayer, repeat
ed the regular formula in use for such
occasions and tried to duck her under
the water. She refused to duck, and
the more she refused the harder the
minister tried to do it, His foot Slip
ped On the treacherous shelving bot
tom, and before any one knew what
was happening they were in the grasp
OF the current. The preacher could
not swim, and in his excitement crawl
ed aboard the refractory sister. Feel
ing the shadow of death to have passed
as by miracle and without regard to
the appropriateness of the selection,
his soul burst forth in a paean of
Thanksgiving, and foated onward to-
ward the sea, singing at the top of his
voice: Tis the Old Ship Of Zion"
until overtaken and rescued by a boat
The young wag who had induced the
old lady to Join the church had also
provided her with a couple of life
preservers.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
80

age, and attached to the adjacent an.
my, had been urging me for en-.
months to join a young military a.
ganization in which he welded o.,
almost autocratic power. One event.
l induced his presence at nv zoos
and plainly told him that he was oni
mated by some Interior and unvortb,
motive in trying to enlist me. He 40
clared, with poorly concealed sa~
casm, desire single to the promotio,
of military interests. | submitted tba-
the truth was not in him.
after we had washed up and mad.
the wreckage Of furniture as present
able as possible, the conference was "a
sumed. / held wet towel over ona
eye while l glared upon him with III
other. He had his coat buttoned to
the chin in order to conceal his An,
culinary contributions to the somewbat
heated argument. Our muscular con.
troversy seemed to clear the atmos.
phere. There was a war cloud presert
when he asked me if | thought nv eve
would close, and l showed like solici.
tude by asking if he thought it nos,
sible that any of the small bones n,
his nose were broken; but we showed
the tact begotten of mutual respect
AS soon as my usually handsome an,
pearance had returned | Joined his
command After Dick had beaten me
out of my best girl we became fast
chums, and he made me Colonel"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16

Rev. G. W. Hinckley, Of Good VIII
Farm, knows how to tell an amusing
anecdote, and his little son appears to
be a chip off the old block, says the
Kennebec (Me) Journal Mr. Hinck-
ley relates how the other day, with
company at the house. this youthful
scion started in to relate what he
thought a funny incident Mr. Hilck-
ley says: 1t was rather unusual for
HIM, and I rather trombled at the out
come. However, here is what he said,
my wife and breathless with interest;
My playmate, Johnnie, who lives
just above here on the road, got into a
bad scrape the other day. He did
something awful naughty, and his
mother told him that she should GER
tainly whip him for it. He didn't want
a whipping, and SO he ran away. He
thought at first that he would go to
sea, and then he thought that he would
so West on the prairies, and then he
went into the barn and then he de-
cided to crawl under the house He's
got place under there where he can
go. His mother couldn't get him even
If he didn't want her to, cause she
couldn't crawl under the house His
mother knew that Johnnie was under
the house, and so when his pa came
home and said, Where is Johnnie?' his
mother could speak right up and say
Johnnie! Oh! he is under the house ,
You just hold on and let me have
hand at him said Johnnie's pa, and
SO he started out to crawl under the
house to set him.
Johnnie, he saw his father comm
in, head first. and he Just moved sver
to give him room and sang out, Hello.
pa! Come right along, pa. Is she af-
ter you, too?'"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
HIS CHARACTER ALL RIGHT.

The following cross examination of
a witness in a court in Western North
Carolina is sent Case and Comment as
an actual occurrence:
District Attorney Now, Mr.. Blink
ms, you swear before this court and
Jury that you know the defendants
reputation in the community in which
he lives, and that he is generally rep
uted an upright, peaceable, law-abid-
ing citizen?
Witness. Yes, sir.
District Attorney. Now, Mr.. Blink
ms, don't you know that LATE Higgins
has never done anything but loaf
around and drink mconshine whisky
and fight?
Witness. Yes, sir.
District Attorney. And don't you
know that he abuses and beats his
wife terribly?
Witness. Yes, sir.
District Attorney And don't you
know that he broke up the Pigeon Rlv-
er camp meeting last winter and nip
ped the circuit rider?
Witness. Yes, sir.
District Attorney. And don't you
KNOW lUdL HS hlChSu Lis Olu AoLhCl
down the steps and out of the yard
and nearly killed him?
Witness. Yes, sir.
District Attorney. And don't you
know that he was convicted in this
very court three years ago of mali
ciously shooting Deacon Smiths hogs?
Witness. Yes, sir.
District Attorney. And don't you
know that he was once accused of
stealing horse and that the owner Of
the horse and the principal witness
for the prosecution were killed just
before the trial was to be held?
Witness. Yes, sir.
District Attorney And don't you
know that his neighbors all knew
these things?
Witness. Yes, sir.
District Attorney. Then how can you
sit there and swear that this defend
ants reputation is good in the com
munity in which he lives?
Witness. Why, mister, man has to
do a heap wuss things than that to
lose his character in our neighborhood.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
ONLY HIS ELEPHANTINE TREAD.

A Main street car. crowded to the
doors, trundled along toward Twelfth
street, says the Indianapolis Sentinel.
A big, fat German, who hailed the
car at Eleventh street, looked in de-
spair at the crowd inside, for it was
cold. He managed to squeeze in, how
ever, and stood next to dapper
young man, whose head was so sus-
pended on high collar that it was
with difficulty that he saw who was
pushing him forward. The passenger
laughed and joked about there always
being room for one more, and the car
started on again.
Suddenly, above the noise of the
wheels and the conversation and
laughter, there rang a sharp cry: My
God and the youth with the high
collar sank limp to the floor. The cry
was Of one in agony, and the women
screamed and crouched back in their
seats, some of them putting their
hands to their eyes to hide the awful
sight. The men in the aisle crowded
one another and craned their necks to
see what was the cause Of the awful
cry, and whispered: "Is some one
killed." who stabbed him." Catch
that man by the door,"
The man by the door was the fat
German His face was toward the
door, which he seemed to be trying to
open. The youth was grooming on the
floor and the man nearest him lifted
him gently to his feet, but he was I'M
able to stand. He sank with another
groan and was lifted again and placed
on a seat. His eyes were closed and
intense pain was written on his face
us there doctor in the carr" called
some one.
The question seemed to arouse the
youth. for he opened his eyes and
gasped:
"No doctor-it's ali right
"Where are you stabbed?" asked the
man Who was holding him.
mot stabbed-it's all right" gasped
the young man, trying to rise to his
feet. Only that big sauerkraut step
ped on my corns. I'll be all right in
minute"
"Oh-ah,' said the men, smiling
And the conductor scratched out the
names he had worried from the re-
luctant witnesses to the supposed muir
der.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
THE KRAUT WAS spotrpn


Noi. John Harnois, chief clerk n Tho
s ~, q Capt. George Lyons. ]. p. is
t not only celebrated for his noetica1
raa 49,, out also for his ability as q
~ soiIeeuf, says the st. Joseph Herald
~ latest Wintry day story told nv
- Solonel is not only good enouph
TO remember. - e'ou 0'ioue'n
wei nappehea-really happened-last
s+o $50 ae Frederick avenue grocery
so :. Inc proprietor of the place is
eelmah-round, jolly, circumspect
.le sells good goods and has good ems
.onleIs. lie also has a large trade
Iinong the Germans of the locality.
~ order to satisfy the people the gro
GET purchased a large barrel Of conn
'ry-made sauer kraut. It was almost
sone When a lady customer-neitber
~ TAI nor divinely fair-entered
io SeoTe. she had purchased some of
enae appetlzing and odorous kraut,
~ nnu as soon as she entered the door
'he smell OF IT greeted her olfactories.
Wos IS dos?' she said. "Mein herr,
uef groWet; ish dos all gomez"
Mem, madame, aber beinahe," the
siucer answered. He has a habit of
Ialilng into the vernacular of the
fIeuerlck avenue Fatherland.
Ach. the dumpy customer was
sualnlng to peer over the edges OF the
hlgn barrel top when she gave vent
10 the responsive exclamation.
Just then her feet few out from be-
meath her on a fat banana skin. and
her over-balanced body went down
head first into the almost empty kraut
barrel
The grocer didn't seem to figure on
the probability of losing a good custo-
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
ONLY ONE KIND OF ANGELS.

Art lovers and fashionable folk who
wished to be considered connoisseurs
crowded the rooms of the Bohemian
Club last Saturday, says the San Fran
cisco News Letter. At the edge Of the
throng stood William Greer Harrison
and Amandee Joullin. criticising the
critics. In the center of an admiring
group, at the farther end of the room,
was beautiful woman, whose natural
charms, however, were not increased
by the unnecessary cosmetic. To most
practical people the force Of this
judgment would have been apparent,
but Harrison is a poet, and he was
some distance away. and
Doesn't she look like an angel? %
he murmured, with poetical enthus-
iasm.
Joullin, who is of the world worldly,
and knows a thing or two about COM
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
THE EVER PRESENT TERROR.

Excuse the lateness of the hour, Mr..
Homeleight," the Chicago Tribune
quotes the caller as saying, but |
couldn't resist the temptation to be the
bearer of good news You will be glad
to hear that the Supreme Court has
just handed down decision in the
case we have been conducting for you,
and that it is in your favor. l con-
graduate you, my dear sir, on the
successful termination of your long
struggle, and l trust you may live
many years to enjoy the large fortune
which you may now at any time take
posses
Man Of the House turning pale)--
Please don't talk so loud! You'll wake
the baby!
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
FOUGHT HIS WAY TO THE FRONT.

How did I get my title of Colonel?"
laughed the CHEEKY old gentleman who
has never married, and regards the
club as his home, as he conversed with
q Detroit Free Press man.
1T doesn't count for much in this
sensible age, but down there in my old
State our family was one of the first.
Just across the street was another of
the first families, and our relations
were much like those which made so
much unnecessary trouble for Romeo
and Juliet. Dick Groomer, of my own
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
TAGGED.

A gardener at Lyons Farms was
much annoyed by the incursions Of
strange fowls with whose owners he
was unacquainted so he fed them with
kernels of corn fastened to strings, to
which tags were attached bearing
these Inscriptions: Keep me at
home" I'm liable to be shot," I've
damaged a neighbours garden" What
to Eat says that the success of this
method of treating chickens caused a
clubmans wife to suggest that strings
with tags suitably inscribed be at
tached to Manhattan cocktails.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
THE ONLY ONE.

When NJ. de Calonne was Minister
of Finance, at the beginning of the
revolutionary epoch in France, one
night the canopy Of his bed fell down,
and he lay entangled till servant
entered in the morning. Look about"
said Calonne; perhaps it is strata
gem of robbers" The servants an
swer was: There are none in the
chamber except monsieur himself"
The story was received with rapture
at the time, for it conveyed every
body's opinion Of the prodigal Minis
ter
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
Took TIME BY TIE FORELOCK.

A Georgia man, the Atlanta Consti-
tuition says, was recently approached
by one Of the negroes in his employ,
who said:
"Ef you please, sub, I wish you'd
give me my Christmas gif''
why exclaimed his employer, in
surprise, you're way ahead of time;
Christmas is twelve days off yeti"
I knows dat, subj replied the ne
gro, but I wants my gif' now, kase
when Chris'mus come you's mos in
ginerally too full ter reckernize mel"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16

Throwing his arms into the air above
his head, and elevating one foot, he ex-
claimed: DE righteous shall rise and
de wicked shall fall" At the word
"fall' he brought his foot down vehe-
mently upon the head of the hogshead,
and like flash it gave way, and he
dropped out of sight. being short of
stature. Amid the precipitated uproar
he reached up and grasped the chime
of the barrel. and drew himself into
view, shouting, Dress God, dey shall
rise AGAIN."
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-01-16
HE WONDERED WHY THEY LAUGHED.

A serious minded Clevelander went
into department store not long ago,
and stepping up to the drug depart
ment. asked for certain infants food,
says the Plain Dealer.
The bright young lady in charge
shook her head
I'm sorry she said, but we are
inst out of that We have Blanks
Cranum and Dash's condensed milk
and Spices Lactatum.
The serious citizen looked doubtful.