The times., 1898-06-26
THE CRANK5' CARNIVAL
Letters Pour in on the Admin
istraii0n.
MILITARY EXPERTS GALORE

One Patriot Would Shoot Snuff and
Cayenne Pepper Mt the Enemy
Another Recommends Captured
ThunderBoIts-Qu uack Doctors Of
fer Remedies for Tropical Diseases
Ever since the brilliant exploit of
Lieut.. Richmond Pearson Hobson in bot
Ting up Cervera's fleet in a Cuban har-
bor, the Government has been receiving
no end OF advice from people in all parts
of the United States who are more than
eager to emulate the hero of Santiago.
Some of these schemes could be Worship
ed with impunity, for they are unlike
anything ever heard of in the heavens
above, the earth beneath, or the waters
under the earth. Others are propositions
ito make assurance double sure" and
preserve the Spaniards in the Cuban har-
Dor, just as you would preserve peaches
in their own juice. So that after all,
the muse OF history will have to set down
the story of the Santiago squadron as
only another case of 'Hobsons choice"
One man writes 10 say that the Gov
ernment should fill lot Of canal boats
with stones, and sink them at the mouth
of Santiago harbor. Another genius
would fill these same boats with Portland
cement, which would harden on touching
water, thus shutting In the Spaniards
hopelessiy. Still another oracle would
send in these boats filled with coal oil
which he would pump out in the harbor
so that the surface of the water would
be covered with oil. Then he would set
ilre 10 this, and literally roast the
Spaniards. A disciple OF Edison wants
the Government to put big coils OF wire
for buoys al the entrance of the harbor
SO that the Spanish vessels. in steaming
out, would get the wire wound round
their wheels, ard thus he hopelessly en-
tangled and become an easy prey for the
Americans.
A wizard of the West wants permission
10 screw t0rpedoes on the tails of the
Spanish ships somewhat in the way
that children would catch birds by try
| ing TO sprinkle salt on their tails.
New York expert" sends the foilow-
ing letter, which for spelling alone dis
counts Josh Billings, and is indeed -
mutch:"
| TO the Navee department
Deer Sir by reeding the Survise of
| the Brave lewtent HoBzon by sinking
| the Mary mack under a fire of guns. /
Have idea that i can blow up the Cadz
| fleet With not much more loss than one
| sheep. the plan is TO have her Ioded
| with lot Of dinente and topotoes and
sum eXsploziv materea Wich Should Hit
| Tor hFe Squire nils and wee VIII take
! this Ship 10 meet the Cadz fleet and as
| soon as thay See Us We Should Surren-
| der and Vile thuy think thay Have US as
PrZers 1 Shall blow up the Ship and all
| the dinemite and topotes VIII explode
| and Blow the E4,a-lfgH -, L.
| this Is not FOOLS and you let me know
! wat / VIII dew and j VIII for this deer
Country and take tw thosand of Span
| YARDS a long With me and If you think
this is all rite Scend to Broadway.
p S-thts IS from Patarch Jew Who
| Has this country as His own"
Ihis is only q specimen of hundreds of
q similar kind received by the Govern
ment.
The astrologers have been seeing the
Spanish fleet in Santiago harbor for the
| last six months. And one woman actu-
ally claims that she "foresaw' Hobson' $
exploit four years ago. The difference
between her and Annanias would seem to
be that Annanias is dead
Perhaps the prettiest plan 10 checkrnate
Cervera comes from a New England ge-
MUS. He writes that there is an iustitu-
tion thirty miles from Boston where they
teach you how TO read peoples thoughts.
He would avail himself OF this Improved
telepathy," and then go down to Santa
go and actually read the thoughts of the
Spanish admiral!
One son of Solomon wants to burn up
Santiago with sun-glasses, according Ia
the plan of an old Greek before the City
of Troy.
Another genius wants to make shells
for the Government filed with a com
pound that upon bursting will make the
Spanish soldiers do nothing but spit. In
this way. he says they viii not be able
to shoot straight He is on a par with
the inventor who asks permission 10 build
projectiies filled with cayenne pepper and
snuff, in order to cause the enemy TO dc
nothing but sneeze and wipe their eyes
when an engagement is on.
One Son of Thunder" evidently &
first cousin of Boanerges, of Biblica
fame has a plan to collect thunderbolts
from the skies by means of lightning.
rods on the mastheads of vessels, anC
would hurl these balls of electricity
| against the enemy.
Another genius would envelop the
Spanish fleet in fog, and under cover Of
this steal into the harbor and capture the
ships.
Still another genius has a uniqu,
scheme for building disappearing war
ships" which disappear Just at the righ
| time, like the disappearing carriage of
| gun when fired
Since the dynamite cruiser Vesuvius ha!
been doing effective work on the Spanish
fortifications the Government has receiv
ed no end of hints and tips" as to higl
explosives. The imaginations of news
paper men have been expanded to th
utmost limits, in order to describe th
mountain-splitting power of the Vesuvi
US projectiles much 10 the great amuse
ment of the Bureau of Ordnance: bu
the swarm of suggestions that reacl
Uncle Sam on this score easily distance
the pens of the scribes. You have every
| thing, from "Infernite' to electric can
non: and one man proposes to give sue
| cessive impulses to projectiles, so tha
: they will fly half way across the cont
{ nent The bomb-dropping devices ar
legion. and one genius has a sort of steam
! cannon, that will travel until it's stop
| ped" Then there are offered "emergen
: ! cy defenses' of barbed wire. which woul
make a Spaniard feel very uncomfortabl
if he should happen to sit on one.
One inventor has a Terris-wheel ar
| rangement, that takes up the soldiers i
patches to high attitudes and gives ther
: | a chance to pepper the enemy befor
! descending.
Then there is an assortment of Eight
! ming -hurlers''-for so the Board of Ord
nance and Fortifcations designate then
There are 3'range-fnders' galore. guar
! anteed to enable gunners to hit a mar
twenty miles away.
The greatest solicitude. however, seen
| to be shown for our soldiers. Cons
quently, the Government is receiving COZ
slant supplies of specifics that 1t is CLAIM
ed, will surpass even the widest dream
of Lourdes or Einsiedeln, let alone the