davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
A Last. Will,

Uncle "a lawyer)-Well, my boy, I'm
sorry to hear that you are studying law.
1 can't see any way that young lawyer
can make money now.
Nephew-There is one way-"Where
there's a will there's way.''-N. Y.
Truth.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05

Jink-My dear MacFuddle, it's the
very thing you want! Charming house
lovely spot! Cheap, too. But one
great drawback. You can't get any
water there!
MacFuddle-O, that doesn't matter!"
London Punch,
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
EXPLAINED.

Molly (between waltzes)-He said
the world had been like a desert to
him till he met me.
Polly-That explains why he dances
so like camel, I uppose.-Tit-Bits.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
He Explains.

Mrs. Brown-It's shame the way
the early settlers killed off the Indians.
Mr.. Brown-They couldn't get close
enough, my dear, to chloroform them.
Puck,
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
A Memher of the Force,

II say, Bridget, is your beau gold or
a silver man?'' asked the head of the
house.
''Shure, he's neyther," answered the
cook, who was in love with police
man; "he's what you call a copper man,
sur."-Yonkers Statesman.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
In the Arid Diatricf.

Kansas Druggist--I can't sell you whisky
Col. Dreyer Ia visitor from Kentucky)-
l prepared TO- that, sab, when I set out for
this benighted country-I had a prescrip-
ton tattooed on my arm.
~, That's all right, then! Come in and I'll
fill you."-Puck.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
For That Tired Feeling.

The trouble with full many a man,
Upon this whirling clod,
Is that he thinks he needs drug,
When he only needs a prod.
Chicago Daily News.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05

When woman marries man to reform
him she soon wishes she had left the Job to
the police.-Washingt Democrat.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05

Van Clove-That Miss Newleigh looks
good enough to eat.
Miss Passee (enviously)-Why, yes;
her family are mushrooms, you know,
Town Topics.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Knew All About Ii

She-Did you know that very warm
room is bad for the complexion?
: He-Makes it run, doesn't it?-Yon-
kers Statesman.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Breaking the News.

"Papa, when horse laughs he kicks
up his heels, doesn't hep"
II guess 500
'Well, old Bill has just laughed at
Bonnie. Wbn'tsyou come out and carry
him in pm. Y. Truth.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Too Previous.

Grace's eyes are full of tears,
She's caught cold. I fear;
She donned her new hiking garb
Too early in the year.
-Up to Date.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
In the ParlOr.

Blake-I notice the young ladies play
only religious pieces on the piano.
Lake-Yes; it is an upright piano.
Up to Date.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
WHO ARE YOU, ANYHOW o..

paralleled impudence," and eventually
by winning Amy's heart in subsequent
visits and taking her out to Chicago,
whittier her father soon followed, and
| where we all live in the closest friend
ship.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Arithmetic.

count not lovers by bruised hearts,
That is not my plan at all
I score them up by the wheels that stand
In the rack out in the hall.
IN. Y. Journal,
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05

It is wonderful to think what the presence
OF one human being can do for another
change everything in the world.-Story of
William and Lucy Smith, George S. Mer.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Went Out of His Way.

Phipps-He's the most bashful man
ever met.
Quipps-Quite true. I've known him
to decline to meet a note when it was
due.-Town Topics.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Serves as an Alarm.

0SN VCS US S111 1A11A11A
Hassick-A baby is a good thing to
have in the house.
Walker-Yes, if you want to prevent
oversleepiug yourself.-Boston Tran
script.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
His other Self.

Benham--You are my other self.
Mrs. Benham-I wish you would
spend more money on yourself. Town
Topics. .,..--.---- -. :, :.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05

She-rut, George, suppose papa set
ties my dowry on me in my own right?
He-Well, my dear girl, it's--er-
nothing to me if he does!-Lohdon
Punch.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
The joys of Love

''The happiest thing in the world is having
A maid so true" he said.
IT'S not to be compared" she answered,
with having a trousseau made"
IN. Y. Truth.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Comment.

Maud-Cholly hasn't been quite himself,
of late.
Rose No? hadn't noticed any improve
ment.-Puck.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Sunerf1uous F,rmaIitv.

Giles Have you asked her fathers
consent?
Jcwles-No; it isn't necessary.
Giles-How's that?
Jowles-She has just declined me-
Stray Stories
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
He Was Waiting.

A. young theological student who is about
to depart for the missionary fields told an
amusing story on himself the other evening
that, gives an insig ht to the cause that led to
heather. He had called on a young lady, and
her little brother posted himself in an arm
chair facing handsome gilt clock. He
had been there half an hour, when the young
lady said: ."Robbie, why don't you 60 to
the nursery?" II am waiting,'' replied Rob-
bic, "What are you waiting for, my dear"
"Why, for his face to stop the clock. You
know what you said. '-Philadelphia Call.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
A Silver Lining.

Wife-Horrors! Husband, I've just
heard there is a case Of smallpox in the
flat above us.
Husband-Yes, I know about it.
That's all right. It's tue young nan
who plays the fute.-N. Y. Weekly.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Fatal.

'sWho is the belle to-night?" asked she.
sssAs they stood on the ballroom floor.
He looked around the room to see
And she speaks to him no more.
Harlem Life.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
His Advice.

Editor-One of my fair subscribers
wants to know how to change the color
Of her hair.
Caller-What would you say?
Editor-I shall advise her to marry
some nice young man to reform him.
Puck.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05

4 Serioua Case.

: : :
As- O'Grady-An' how's Mr.. O'Reilly
this narnin'?
Mrs. O'Reilly Worse, honey. He was
taken with another disease lasht noight.
Mrs. O'Grady-An' fwhat is that
same?
Mrs. O'Reilly-The doctor called it
convaleshent!-
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05

Take care of your pennies and some one
will come along with a scheme to take care
of your dollars for you.-Chicago News.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
A Thourht Apiece.

Two souls with but single thought,
But not the same one, no;
He with her beauty is distraught-
She wishes he would go =.
Chicago Record. 5@@
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Don't mum! Don't stop 'em!
They've got bet on!"-Ally Sloper.
Not a Ponular Kind

Not a Popular Kind.
"They say that ghosts appear in the
windows of that old haunted house
every night"
"Boo! I must say don't fancy that
kind of window shades. "-Philadelphia
Bulletin. -.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Gets the Drop on Poo,

Jorkins-Drugged and robbed! Why
don't you have some action taken in the
matter?
Jobson-I can't. Isuppose the fellow
had my permission. You see he was
my doctor.-Puck.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Difficulties in the Way.

Difficulties in the Way.
II believe in an aristocracy of intel
lect.''
ooh! don't know! There would be
the same old scrap as to who would be-
long to it.'-Puck.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
Financial Intervals,

"a little quarrel now and then helps
love affair."
eyes; the lover quits buying roses
and gets chance to catch up with his
board bill. "-ChicagO Record. as
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05
fence
And Not experiments, Should be
Your Aim In BuyInR Medicine.

| Is { y
And Not Experiments, Should be.
Your Aim In Buying Medicine.
Let others experiment; you should be
guided by experience. Experiments are
uncertain in result; experience Is, sure.
Experiments may do you harm; expert
ence proves that Hoods Sarsaparilla viii
do you wonderful good. Thousands gladly
tell what Hoods has done for them. They.
want you to know and they urge you to
try it. That is what is meant by the vast
number of testimonials written in behalf
of Hoods Sarsaparilla. They give the re-
suits of experience and prove that = IS,
Hoods es;iiia
Is Americas Greatest Medicine. Sold by all
druggists. 81; six for S.. Get only Hoods.
Hoods Pills f are se A1t s,nag 1d ess-
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-05-05

Shelby fathers general. What
does your father do?
He-Whatever mother tells himi-
Ally Sloper.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
MCINTYRE COURT-MARTIAL.
More Witnesses Testify on Behalf
of the Defense.

DENVER (CoL), Oct. 1.-At the re-
sumption to-day of the court martial
trial of Rev. Joseph P. Mcintyre,
Chaplain of the Oregon, Otto r. Rein
hardt, merchant, was called by the
defense. He testified that Chaplain
Mcintyre in his lecture on August Sth
stated that the Oregon was one of the
finest vessels in the navy, and that
she was as honestly built as any East
ern built vessel. Nothing was said
about Eastern shipbuilders cheating
the Government
Mr.. Reinhardt testified that the
Chaplain said that when the Oregon
tore toward the enemy she passed
the Iowa going the other way" Wit
ness heard no statement to the effect
that Captain Evans took the Iowa to
the rear and kept her there during the
battle. Witness remembered that the
Chaplain said that when the Cristobal
Colon hauled down her flag the ships
of the American feet, aside from the
Oregon. were at some distance and
that Captain Clarke of the Oregon
waited for the New York to come
within signaling distance so as to re-
ceive orders before going to the Span
ish ship. The Chaplain, witness de-
clared, did not say that Admiral Samp-
son reported himself within four miles
so as to participate in the distribution
of prize money. Reinhardt remembered
that the Chaplain said that Sampson
would receive $4,000, Captain Clarke
$500 and himself SO.
On cross examination witness testi-
fled that Chaplain Mcintyre said sub
stantially to the audience in connec-
tion with the distribution of prize mon
ey, and you, who had as much to do
with the battle as the Admiral will
not get a cent
The Chaplain called Captain Evans
Fighting Bob but not in a sneering
and contemptuous manner.
Peter Whine, an insurance agent
corroborated previous witnesses as to
Chaplain McIntyre's claims of excel
lence in the construction of the Ore
! gon, but denied that he accused East
ern shipbuilders of cheating the Gov
| ernment or that he said the Oregon
was the only vessel honestly built. Wit
ness corroborated other witnesses in
regard to Fighting Bob Evans.
The court adjourned until Monday.
The record-union., 1898-10-02

hopeful that everything viii come out
all right.
No one can tell, he says, how long it
will take to esta blsh a stable govern
ment, but he thinks it will be quite a
period of time.
The letter from which the above ex-
tracts were taken was dated September
9th.
On September 10th General Wood
wrote another letter to Secretary Algel
in which he says:
''Since my last letter everything has
been going on smoothly, and the i'm
provement is continued. People have
all they want to eat, and / do not think
there is hunger to any extent in San
tiago. 1 have increased the number OF
doctors and the relief stations of food
You would be delighted to see the
old bronze cannons and mortars which
we have taken here. Some of them &C
back to the middle ages, and were ev-
identity captured from the French.
hope they will be taken to Washington
where they will be most interesting and
ornamental in our parks"
The record-union., 1898-10-02
STEAMSHIP HAVANA.
Successfully Launched Yesterday
at the Cramps Shipyard.

PHILADELPHIA, Oct. 1. - The
steamship Havana was successfully
launched at the Cramps ship yard at
2:30 this afternoon. The vessel, as she
left the ways, was christened by Miss
Alker of New York, granddaughter of
President Booth Of the Ward line.
The Havana is being built for the
New York and Cuba Mail Steamship
Company, commonly known as the
Ward line. She is a ive-decked ves-
sci, 800 feet long on load waterline, 90
foot nodded beam and 81 feet inches
nodded depth. Her gross tonnage is
5000 tons, and her draft Il feet, with
a displacement of 6,S10 tons, and she
mas a capacity of 1920 tons.
The Havana, however, like the st.
Paul, is designed to meet the require
ments of class 2, under the ocean mail
pay law, and both are constructed for
into auxiliary cruisers.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
LATE THOMAS f. BAYARD.
Remains Of the Former Embassa-
dor Committed to the Grave,

WILMINGTON Oel), Oct. with
flags at half-mast and draped in
mourning, with the closing Of business
houses, and with other demonstrations
Of sorrow. Wilmington to-day commit
ted to the grave the mortal remains
of Hon. Thomas Francis Bayard.
A multitude of people assembled at
the quaint and historic old Swedish
church. The hour Of the funeral was
at o'clock, but before that hour the
church, was crowded with those for
whom admission had been reserved
They comprised the pail bearers, mem
bers Of the New Castle Bar Associa-
ton, representatives of the Delaware
Society, Sons of the American Revolu-
ton, and committees representing the
Bayard Legion and the Young Men 8
Democratic Clubs.
The honorary pall-b bearers were ex-
President Grover Cleveland, former
Secretary of the Treasury Charles F.
Fairchild, Governor Abe Tunnel of
Delaware, Chancellor J. r. Nicholson,
George L. Rives of New York City,
John V. Craven and Thomas Craven
of Salem, N. j., and Judge l. c. Grubb,
DR.. j. A. Draper and Henry F. Ban
ming of Wilmington.
The prayer-book service for the
burial of the dead of the Protestant
Episcopal Church was read Jointly by
the Rev. G. w. Douglas of Tuxedo
Park, n. j., who, as rector of ST. john
Protestant Episcopal Church, Washing
ton, performed the marriage ceremony
of Mr.. and Mrs. Bayard, and the Rev
Martin 3. Dunk, rector of Old Sweds.
When the service reached the point
of the commitment Of the body to the
grave, the casket was lifted by the
carriers, and, attended by the pali-
bearers, members of the family and
others within the church, was taken
to the Bayard burial plot in. the grave
yard adjoining the church A great
crowd had assembled waiting to see
this, the only public feature of the
funeral
Slowly and solemnly the body was
lowered into the vault where lie the
remains Of Mr.. Bayard's father and
mother and three of their children In
measured tones DIR. Douglas read the
commitment, the invocation and the
benediction.
The family and friends then took a
farewell look at the casket.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
DUEL IN FRANCE.
Two Frenchmen Meet on the Field
Of Honor.

PARIS, Oct. IA duel between
Charles Ernest Paulmier and NJ. Turot
of the La Lanterne,' was fought this
morning, rapiers being the weapons
used. M. Turot was thrice wounded
in the thigh and side, and M. Paulmier
was thrust through the lip.
Madame Paulmier on September 23d
went to the Offices of La Lanterne'
and twice shot M. Olivier, the Secre-
tary to the editor, because she assert
ed that the paper had grossly SLAM
dered herself and husband, asserting
that their household consisted of three
persons, the third being a former mis-
tress of M. Paulmier, the latter subse-
quently challenging Turot who was
the writer of the article referred to.
The charges made We're Indignantly
denied by both husband and wife.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
INDIANS ON BEAR ISLAND.
Every Probability That They Will
Clash With the Troops

ST. PAUL, Oct. There is every
probability that there will be a clash
between the United States troops and
the Indians on Bear Island. The Indi-
ans are making threats of violence in
case any attempt is made to arrest
their chief The agent and inspector
of the reservation are in Walker, and
report in case any attempt is made to
take troops to Bear Island there will
be a fight
There is not an Indian to be found
on the reservation. Lieutenant Hum
phrey and a squad of twenty men,
bers Of the Third Infantry, from Fort
Smelling, have reached Walker in an
ticipation that the red men will resist
the Marshal and his deputies when
they attempt to arrest the chief of the
tribe, who is wanted for resisting an
officer of the Government in the at
tempt to arrest him two weeks ago.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
Nicaragua Canal.

WASHINGTON, Oct. 1.-The civil
engineers who have been in Nicaragua
since the beginning of the inquiry by
the present Nicaragua Canal Commis
sion into the feasibility of the projected
canal, have reported in Washington II
Admiral Walker, the President of the
board, and have been permitted TO re-
turn to their homes. These engineers
have brought an enormous amount oe
field notes. filling no less than seven
teen packing boxes. These have been
turned over to the commission, which,
Admiral Walker says, is now ready to
proceed with the collation. of the ma
terial collected
The record-union., 1898-10-02
General Maxine Gomez.

HAVANA, Oct. General Maximo
Gomez has left the Rojas camp, and is
retiring to the State of Boadel-Yaguey,
near Remedies, province of Santa
Clara. He has given his staff permis-
sion to visit their families. Gomez is
only accompanied by General Luis and
by the Dominican author, Senior Des-
prade. Captain Page, General Buffers
aide-decamp, who had been on a visit
to General Gomez at the Rojas camp,
says Gomez seems very grateful to the
United States, and confident that the
American authorities will be able to es-
tablish a stable and independent gov
ernment
The record-union., 1898-10-02
Military Camps in Cuba.

WASHINGTON, Oct. 1.-The War
Department has decided to send boards
of officers to Cuba to investigate and
report upon locations for camps for the
army of occupation in that island. Each
board will consist of a Quartermaster. q
Commissary and a Surgeon. Havana,
Cienfuegos, Matanzas and Mariel viii
be visited. There will be five posts
posts established. including Manzanillo,
and six, including Santiago.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
VIII Address Railway Employees.

CHICAGO, Oct. president McKin..
ley has signifed his willingness to ad-
dress a gathering composed exclusively
of railroad employees during his pres
ence in Chicago to participate in the
peace jubilee festivities. The meeting
will be held under the auspices of the
five railway employees brotherhoods and
unions of Illinois. Details will be ar
ranged at a joint meeting of the rail-
road men tonight.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
Daughter of the Confederacy.

RICHMOND Va.) Oct. l. Lee
Camp, Confederate Veterans of Vir-
ginia. adopted resolutions protesting
against the naming of anyone as the
daughter of the Confederacy' to sue
ceed Miss Winnie Davis, and calling or
the Grand Camp, which meets next
week at Culepher, to put its official veto
on the movement for a new daughter
of the Confederacy" The resolutions
also call upon the United Daughters of
the Confederacy to protest against the
movement
The record-union., 1898-10-02
Sites For Military Camps.

WASHINGTON, Oct 1.-While no
official information on the subject is
forthcoming, it is said the selection
of sites for camps has been practically
determined. 1t is understood they will
be located at Augusta and Athens, Ga,
and Columbia, Greenville and Spartan
burg, S. c. The main camp will be at
Augusta, on a site of about 6O0 acres.
just outside the city. Americus, Ga,
also has been selected for a camp.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
Axuinaldo's Representatives.

WASHINGTON, Oct. 1.-Agoncillo
and Lopez, the representatives of Agui-
naldo, the Philippine insurgent leader,
called at the White House to-day in
company with General Greene and had
a private conference with the President
in the Cabinet room.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
Bids For Building Monitors.

WASHINGTON, Oct. 1.-The lowest
bids for building the four monitors We're
in the order named as follows: Nixon
of Elizabeth, N. j., SS25,O00; Newport
News, $S60,0OO; Bath Iron Works,
Maine. $S62, 900, and Union Iron Works,
San Francisco, pS75,000.
The record-union., 1898-10-02
Oil operator,s Daughter E1opes.

YOUNGSTOWN CO.,, Oct. Miss
Agnes McKelvey, daughter of wealthy
oil operator and Private Benjamin F.
Beatty Fifth United States Volunteers.
stationed at Jacksonville, Fla, eloped
to this city and were married last night.
The Providence news. (Providence [R.I.]) 1891-1906, 1898-08-16
pooLEy HIT THE BULLS EYE.
He Confesses lie Had Lots to Learn
About the Philippines.

Mr.. Dooley, the cracker-box phioso-
pher of the Chicago Journal. has direct
sd his meditation kodak toward the Phil
ippines. of which he says that 1t Is not
more than two months since he learned
ubether they were islands or canned
goods. This will strike some Oh the
people who have been hunting up the
islands on the map as partcuiarIy
felicitous. Ii Is to be doubted wnetner
there was any other group OF islanus
on the globe about which the american
public knew any less, UP TO May i Oh
this year In the struggle 10 uuer
mine whether the battle was iousn,
late Saturday evening or early Suhuay
morning. many people WORKED tneH-
selves into a frenzy or attempted ac-
curacy which will lead them 10 ap-
preciate Mr.. Dooley's remark that tney
are '.over beyant yer left shoulder
whin we're facin' east" These are all
good shots, but Mr.. Dooley hits the
bulps-eye when he says: ITS a pow
erty sthricken country. fuil " gooid
am precious stones, where tn people
can pick dinner off tn trees and are
starvin' because they have no sthep-
ladthers.'
THAT is exactly the situation. And
the American government IL prepared
70 furnish the stepladders. Incidental
lv n Is comforting TO observe that, al
though we are so unused TO colonial
nossessions that we do not know all
about them before we have them, we
are learning as fast as we can.-Wash-
ington Times.
The Providence news. (Providence [R.I.]) 1891-1906, 1898-08-16
ONCE MORE, DEWEYi

At last accounts Dewey hadn't heard
Of the protocol.
Meantime. however, ne has made
peace in the Philippines by the simple
and effective method of silencing the
enemy's guns. capturing his stronghold
and imprisoning his army
Dewey, making war much on his own
account. fired the first effective shot.
won the first victory. fired the last shot
and won the last victory. and in his
great field of operations has begun and
ended hostilities with amazing satisfac-
ton. 1t appears likely that SO far as
our Dewey is concerned the war is
ended notwithstanding the assistance
of the protocol except as matter of
form.
For romance and picturesqueness and
effectiveness Dewey's share In his
countrys triumph finds few precedents
in all the history Of war.