Santa Fe new Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1898-1951, 1898-06-16
PIETY HILL HORNER.
HE EXPLAINS HIS GRIEVANCES
AGAINST THE TELEPHONE.
A Few Reasons Why He Wants the In
strument Removed From the Horner
House-Taken For q Skating Rink, an
Undertaken and an Opera House.

CnOeILhktf buu I'll oPCho ouso
SIS this !, OO0?" demanded Mr.. J. Hor-
ner of Piety Hill, where all unusual things
happen that don't find good location else
where.
eyes" replied a mild telephone voice,
s;tbis Is !, ZOO. What can we do for you?
"You may yank this telephone out OF
my house just as soon as you cam
2 Mr.. Horner filled in the blank space
with an expression entirely foreign to
Piety Hills vocabulary.
"All right, sir, :" was the mild reply.
"I'll tell the manager"
"Why, 1 thought you were telling me
two weeks ago that the telephone was the
greatest invention of the century, re-
marked Mrs. Horner's mother, who was
Mr.. Horner's mother.in-law
II didn't tell you any such thing. l
told you that a well managed telephone ex-
change might be made a medium for hui
man comfort and convenience second only
to the feather bed. But 1 am not respon-
sible for any such utterance as you put in
my mouth"
"Why, James," ~interposed his wife,
"whst is the matter? The telephone is
very handy for me to order my groceries.
Besides, I can call up Mrs. Screamer any
time of day now. We CAM get along with
| out it,"
Frances, this is once that I shall in.
sist. That telephone must be removed.
So, there, make the best of it.
And Mr.. Horner ran his fingers through
his hair and told his mother-in-law all
about it in a manner that made her feel
responsible for all the mi~sadventures OF the
phone.
"You women sit around the house all
day and think 1t fun to answer the door.
bell and the telephone and explain to some
fool that he has the wrong number. But
I'm too busy a man. I think too much OF
personal comfort. Do you underestimate
There was no reason to suppose that
| Mrs. Horner's mother did not understand,
but she took advantage of the dramatic
pause in Mr.. Horner's speech to answer
humbly that she. apprehended.
"Yes. You don't remember, / suppose,
that the telephone is in my bedroom. l
went to bed last night early to get a good
rest before the arduous duties of today. !
had slept perhaps an hour when that bell
rang. OF course l had to get up.
"'Will you send up five pounds Of pork
chops for BREAKFAST inquired some worm
out boarding house voice.
"'Whom do you think you're talking
tor / demanded.
"'Why, isn't this Sausage's meat mar
ket?' she asked, with an injured air.
II didn't stop to tell her No. I went
back to bed, but didn't sleep until after IL
O'Clock.
II don't suppose that you remember
that dinner was interrupted today when
Elder Merci and his wife were here. Don't
recollect that I was just putting gravy on
the elders potatoes when that COMPOUNDED
telephone bell went on a rampage. l had
to drop everything and attend to 1t. And
what was it all about?
"'Hello!' said a masculine voice. Why
In thunder don't you send down those
oatss If you want my trade, you
"'I don't want your trade!' I yelled
back at him. I'm no feed store
"And I rang off.
"Possibly you don't recall that our
morning devotions were disturbed the 9th
er day by that same ring. / answered 1T,
only to hear some n call me a blather'
skite. He thought he was talking to Law
yer Johns. l 'sassed' him back, and now
my own brother won't speak to me.
MAYBE you women have forgotten that
the furnace fire went out Friday morning.
I haven't. 1 was down on my knees blow.
ing like a bellows trying to infuse life into
one remaining spark when that crazy
phone went wrong again. 1t was John
sons pet baby trying to use the thing.
johnson thought it was funny; let the
homely kid ring the bell and call up my
number. Then he had the nerve to ask
me if l didn't think the brat was cunning.
emo; I don't was the reply he got.
He has about as much sense as his dad.
Utterly lost my self control. And now
johnson not only won't speak, but de-
clares to my attorney that he will foreclose
on our mortgage. So, if we are turned
out you women may lay 1t to the tele
phone. Do you understands
Mrs. Horner's mother twisted around II
her easy chair and distinctly intimatet
that she comprehended everything Hornel
said.
"Now, to conclude, !" went on Horner
once more running his fingers through hi'
hair, "during the two weeks we've hat
this phone I've been compelled to deny &C
~ousations of being a meat merchant, ar
opera house, u skating rink, a drug store
an omnibus line, the weather bureau, ant
once some fool asked me If I was all un
dertaker. This is the conclusion Of tn
whole telephone matter"
Mr.. Horner started for the door. HI
stopped to ask:
EDO you understand"
Again Mrs. Horner's mother said sh'
III VN.k..aA Euoo DvosCF ~