The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1898-07-26


The Major Can't Celebrate in the Most
Desirable Manper-=A Diplomatic effort
at Story Telling Failed to Work
J~osephus, the Long-Faced Boy~-The
State Must Rescue the Rescuer.
B.-"Hellol Mr.. Editor"
R.-"HeIlol Major. Hope you are
feeling your oats to day"
Blush Don't say that. You
will make Betsy think that ''oats" il
sum sort ov a drink an she will make
me make a "sortie" ter the woods. She
liz the most audacious prohibitionist
you aver saw. I'm efraid ter speak
above q whisper fer fear she'll accuse
me ov bein' drunk. I'd be Willin' ter
let her do most ov the loud talkin' if
she'd let me do the drinkin', but you
know how contrary a woman IL 1t
don't matter how many Spanish fleets
Dewey and Schley sink I can't sele-
brate with anything stronger than
buttermilk. If the dymakrat party
Wuz ter eleck everything frum road
overseer ter President I couldn'G take
a drop without riskin' my life. l
dreamed one mite that it wuz Christ
mas an that l had found a jug ov rye
Ticker that had bin buried in an Indian
mound IS years. I wuz smackin' my
bps an dreamin' how guide it wuz
tastin' an Betsy smelt my breth an
perseeded ter wake me up an razed
the roof over my head. A Teller trav-
elm through the country stopped ter
stay awI mite at our house an l wuz
tellin' him erbout Whut the Governor
ov North Carolina sed ter the Guver
O ov South Carolina mi time. l
knowed il wouldn't do ter tell him in
plain United States, so I tole him that
one time a guide many years ergo the
Governor ov North Carolina went
down ter spend q week or so with the
Governor ov South Carolina. They
put in their time teIlin' yarns an play.
in seven up most ov the time, takin' a
stroll now an then. One day when
they we're out fer q walk the Guv-
ernor Nv North Carolina sed ter the
Governor ov South Carolina: Jim,
old boy, how much longer do you
reckon this drouth IL goin' Their last,
anyway" The Governor ov South
Carolina lowed that he hadn't noticed
u signs ov q drouth anywhere
Ground. The Governor ov North Caro-
lima lowed that he didn't see why,
fer he Wuz az dry az q powder house
himself, and that if it didn't rain purity
soon they'd be another sad case ov in
stantanyous combustion in less than
half an hour The Governor ov South
Carolina f1ally caught on an they
stopped at the first ~dispensary they
cum to, an lived a number ov years
longer. I thought that Wuz az guide a
temperance story az l had heard, an
I didn't see how Betsy could object to
it, but she did, an got so mad she
threatened ter seseed frum the union,
My face looked az long az they say
Josephus Daniels face looked after
the convention last week. l hear that
hiz face wuz go long lookin' that a
regiment ov soldiers could ev marched
in double quick time IN his face fer
half a day without steppin' off. I'm
sorry fer ny friend Daniels. He cum
home frum Washington to save the
State an blamed if the State amt
liable to lose its life tryin' ter rescue
Josephus before this thing il awl over.
He il a perlitical Jonah if they ever
WIZ SIGH a thing. The Spaniards orter
hire him ter jine the American army.
They could lick US in two weeks if
they'd do that. Gudebye."