New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1898-08-10
DoOLEY IN DOUBT !.
He Doesn't Know Whether We Want to Hold
Onto the Philippines or Not.

ri know what I'd do if was Mack"
said Mr.. Hennessy in the Chicago Jour
nal. oI'd hist flag over tn Philip
Gems an I'd take in tn whole lot iv
Thin"
can yet," said Mr.. Dooley, 6 it's not
more thin two months since ye larned
whether they were islands or canned
goods. Ye'e1 back yard is so small that
ye'er cow can't turn r.rouDd without
buttin' tn woodshed off th' premises, an
ye wuddent go out to th'.stock yards
without takin out policy on ye'er life.
Suppose ye was standin' at tn corner "
State street an Archey r-road, wud ye
know what Car to take to get to tn
Ph'lipeens? If ye'er son Packy was to
ask ye where tn Ph'lipeens is cud ye
give him amy good idea whether they
was in Rooshia or JUS wistiv tn thracks?'
'sMebbe cudden't,'' said Mr.. Hennes-
sy, haughtily, shut I'm f'r takin' thin
in anyhow"
$50 might I be-" said Mr.. Dooley, "if
I cud only get me mind on 1t. Wan iv
the worst things about this here war is
tb' way it's maxim puzzles FIR our poor,
tired heads. Whin I whit into it thought
all I'd have to do was to set up here be-
hind tn bar with good tin-cent see-gar
IN my teeth an toss dinnymite bombs
into tn hated city iv Havana. But look
at me now. TIL war is still goin' on an
livery night whin I'm countin' up tn
cash I'm asking mesilf will I annex Gu
bia or leave it to tn Cubians? Will
take Porter Ricky or put it by? An
what shud I do width tn Ph'llpeens?
Oh, what shud do with thin? I can't
annex thin because l don't know where
they ARE. can't let 60 iv tnim be.
cause some wan else'll take thin it 1 do.
They are eight thousan' Nv thin islands.
With population iv wan hundred mill
yon naked savages, an me bedrooms
crowded now with me an tn bed. How
can take thin in an how on earth am
goin' to cover tn nakedness iv them
savages with me wan shoot of clothes?
An yit 'twould break me heart to think
iv glvin' people niver see or heerd tell
iv back to other people don't know.
An if don't take thin Schwartzmeister
down tn sthreet, that has half me thrade
already, will grab thin sure.
lit amt that Pm afraid iv not DOM
tn Fright thing in tn end, H1nnissy.
Some mornin' I'll wake up an know
JUS what to do, an that I'll do. But
'tis TIL annoyance " tn manetime. I've
been re-readin' about tn country. IT'S
over beyant yer left shoulder whin ye'er.
facin' east. JUS throw ye'er thumb back
AN ye have it as ac'crate as amy man in
town. IT'S farther than Boohlgarya an
pof 50 far as Biewcho0choo. It's near
Chiny. an its not so near, an if d man
was to bore we'll through firm Goshen,
Indianny, he might strike it, an thin
again he may not. It's poverty strick-
en- country, full iv goold an precious
stones, where tn people can pick dinner
off tn threes, an ARE starvin' because
they have no step-ladders. TIL inhabi-
tants is costly naggurs an Chiuny men,
peaceful, industrious an aw-abidin', but
savage and bloodthirsty in their meth
DDS. They wear no clothes except what
they have on, an each woman has five
husbands an each man has five wives.
Th' r-rest goes into tn discard, tn same
as here. Th' islands has been ownded be
Spain since befure tn FIRE, an she's
threated thin 80 we'll they're now up in
al-rms agin her except majority iv
thin which is thruly royal. Tn natives
seldom fight, but whin they get mad at
wan another they r-ran-a-muck. Whin
q IudA LII uuo" q. HuCN oOACt1ACS ILlCy
discharge him an hire a new motorman.
TIL women ARE beautiful, with anguish:
in black eyes, an they smoke ,see-gars,
but ARE hurried an incomplete in their
dhress. I see pitcher iv wan tn other
day with nawthin' on her but a basket
iy cocoanuts, an a hoop-skirt. They're
no prudes. We import juke, hemp, ci-
gar wrappers, sugar an fairy tales firm
tn Ph'lipeens, an export 6:inch shells
an the like. " late tn Ph'lipeens has
walked to tn fact that they're behind tn
times, an has received much American
ammunition in their midst. They say
tn spanyerds IS all tore up about it.
81 Harmed all this firm tn papers,
an I know it's sthralght. An yet, Hin
Missy, ! -dinnow what to do about tn
Ph'lipeens. An I'm all alone in TIL