The times., 1898-06-12
ONCE TOLD TALES.

is willing to seize despairingly upon any
means of escape from the haunting wrath
of an evil conscience or a gas bill col
| lector.
Beyond his general appearance of hav-
ing but lately gone through a swift expe-
rienee of some sort, which left him with
a very much disheveled countenance,
there was nothing suspicious about the
man, and the captain of the station
vouchsafed the information that this was
the proper place.
Did the gentleman want to enlist?
He did.
Can l enlist right away?"
You can if you pass the physical ex-
| animation" replied the captain.
We'll, after j enlist there's no way
they can get me out. is there?'' persisted
the nervous gentleman.
Who do you expect is going to try TO
get you out?" inquired the captain.
oh nobody. nobody" hastily replied
the prospective soldier, his voice sinking
to whisper again as he glanced appre-
! hensively at the door and added: But
there are some friends of mine who might
not like me to enlist"
Are you married?" demanded the cap
tain.
II am very sorry to say that I am
Does your wife know you are going
to enlist?"
That's what she does" answered the
nervous individual. with more haste of
speech than an exact statement of truth
would demand. shes just crazy for me
to enlist"
Sure about that?"
so sure that I wouldn't dare go home
| without enlistment papers,"
! There was something about the new re-
| cruit that made the captain believe he
1 was lying, but then If a man doesn't |
1 know whether his own wife wants him
| to enlist or not who could be expected 10
/ know? So the captain allowed the ner-
/ vous gentleman to sign the preliminary
! papers and ordered him TO disrobe for the
/ physical examination.
! Nobody in the station ever before saw
| a man in such a hurry to enlist The
/ alacrity with which he cast aside his gar
ments and stood before the examining
doctor caused the sergeant to remark:
That fellow has missed his calling. He
! should have been lightning change art
/ ist on variety stage"
The doctor noted the height, weight,
! breadth and general physical fitness of
| the new recruit and had just guessed he
would do" when vigorous commotion
/ Immediately outside the door caused the
/ gentleman who was sure his wife was
/ just crazy for him to enlist to develop
| sudden and alarming symptoms of ner-
/ vouS prostration.
Il knew It. There she is. Hurry up
and mako me soldier" he pleaded. max
/ ing wild and futile efforts TO draw pair
! of trousers over his two quaking legs.
/ You look like brave soldier. you do
] commented the captain in disgust.
The commotion at the door seemed to
/ be rapidly developing into a riot of very
/ formidable proportions.
''But you can't come in the orderly
] outside was saying.
"Ah. well you Just watch me get in"
/ screamed a feminine voice.
Just watch me get at that wretch in
! side; that miserable specimen of human
/ ity that wants to enlist TO get rid of his
/ wife Tll-Ill-''
The new recruit had collapsed and it
/ was all the doctor could do to keep him
/ out of conyulsions.
] Don't let her in, he moaned. You'll
/ all be sorry il you do. Swear me in
| quick. ! want"
There was sound of skirmishing on
/ the outside.
It's all off now groaned the would
/ be soldier. making a feeble attempt 10
! collect some of the clothes he had care
( lessly scattered in his haste TO be exam
/ ined. IT'S too l-late n-n-o-" but he was
/ beyond the power of speech. In a spasm
/ of helpless fright he sat down to await
/ developments.
She's coming. ] cant hold er. Loo-ok
/ out, yelled the orderly from outside.
The man sitting down inside with lit
/ tie bunch of clothes under his arm rolled
/ off on the floor and tried to hide behind
/ the captain.
/ K-u-r-i-s-h-h-h!. The door gave in. The
| cause OF all the disturbance paused suf-
/ fc.ently long on the threshold to say to
! the orderly: There! You see me get in,
/ don't your" and then she came in.
Subsequent events, covering a period of
! about ten seconds, transpired so rapidly
! and were executed with such alarming
vigor. that the captain. the doctor and the
! sergeant have only vague idea of what
| really did happen. When recovered suf-
! ficiently 10 take consensus of opinion,
| they all agreed that the nervous gentle
/ man was gone that ne had disappeared
! with very great suddenness. and that he
| was in no way responsible for his change
! of mind about enlisting. The orderly out
side was unable TO yield a satisfactory ac-
! count of what happened after she got
! in, owing to the fact that about that
| time he was quite busily engaged in ad-
| minstering soothing touches 10 a very
/ painful countenance.
! The company lost a recruit, but the
| next morning a pair of socks, one shirt,
| and necktie, one Iay-down collar, one vest
and one pair OF suspenders were offered
to any of the boys who might have need
of such articles Of apparel.
| He had been reading war bulletin
| boards. and was elated over what appear
! ed thereon. Later he had been reading
! different kinds of labels on different kinds
| of bottles, and was now hilarious over
! the contents thereof-contents of the bot
| ties, not the labels.
Thus il was in no way surprising that
when he turned up at the corner OF
Ninth and G Streets. about o'clock in
! the evening he should be in a mood to
! play with a lineman who chung TO the
| summit of a telegraph pole, some thirty
! feet high, with a rope dangling from
ring in his belt. This rope reached nearly
to the ground, and was within easy reach
of the gentleman who had been reading
war bulletins. He seized it with a Wig
orous grasp and the lineman above mar
rowly escaped being eapsized.
Hill up there. Can't shu see 'em?'
Let go o that rope yelled the line
man.