The evening times., 1898-12-27
MIR. DooLEY ON HoBsoN.
The Philosopher Thinks Admiral
Dewey VIII Eject a Cure.
from the Chicago Jcurnei)

ttrVm the Cnicago JCuTDei.)
IF I'd been down 10 tn Audjiteroom tn
other night. said Mr.. Hennessy. IAN
had a chunk iv coal fr'm tn sunk Mer-
Hobson | wud so. Tn idee iv hero
standin' up before thousan's iv men with
families an bein' assaulted be ondacint
females. Ii made me blush down TO IN
soles IL me feet. If they let this thing go
on. be hiyins. why do they stop tn
hootchy-kootchy?
Evidences iv affection is always odjious
TO an irishman, said Mr.. DOGGY. "an'
to all reel affectionate people. But ne
frind Hobsons not to blame, 'Tis tn
way tn good Lord has iv maxim us
cow'rds continted with our@lot that he
niver med a brave man yetlthat wasn't
half fool. I've more sinse an wisdom
in tn back iv me thumb thin alt III
heroes in tn wurruld. That's why L aint
a hero. If HObson had intelligence hid
be wurrukin in tn postOffice, an If amy
OF hen thried TO kiss him he'd call f'r tn
polls Bein' young and foolish, whin me
frind Sampson says, Is they amy man
here that'I take this OF coal barge in
beyant an sink IL an save US ia thrOuble
iv dhrownin' on our way home? Lot
fiobson says, says he: Here / am. cIp.'
says he III take it in he says, an seal
they can niver get out he says. But.
he SAYS. I'll lave a hole f'T thin 10 get
out whin they want to get out he says
An he took some other la-ads-l fTgst
their naneS-they wasn't heroes, amy
how. but was wurrukin' be tn day-an
ne wint in In his underclothes. SOS not
10 spoil his suit. an tn CASTLES hurled
death an destruction on him an II
niver touched him no more thin 1t did
amy wan else, an thin they rescued him
from himself an locked him up i'll tn
polls station an fed him tn best they
knew how, an he wint on Ietcher tour
an here ne is. Be hivins. l think he's
more iv a hero now than iver he was.
I'd stan up befure a cross-eyed Spanish
gunner an take his shootin without "a
mask mesilf, but ia shy hard iv amy oil
heifer come up an begun TO nose around
iV me.
''On III hure iv the Merrimac. in his
light undherclothes, Loot. HobsOn was
sthrong. foolish man. On tn stage iv the
AudiiotoToom. bein' caressed be women
thatd kiss tn Indian in fr-ront iv a see
gar sthore if ne didn't carry a tommy
hawk, he's still foolish but not sthrong-
'Tis so with all heroes. Napoleon Bony-
part, the impror iv tn Fr-rinch, had many
carryin's on, I've heerd tell, an ivry man
knows that whin Jawn Sullivan wasn't in
the r-ring he was no encyclopedia fr in
diligence No wan thried TO kiss him,
though They knew betther.
An Hobson'll II Iarn. Hes young yet tn
loot is. an he's goin' out TO tn Ph'lip-
poems To wurruk FIR Cousin George. Cousin
George is no hero. an 'tisn't on record
that amy wan iver thried 10 scandalze
his good name be kissin' him. I'd as lave,
if / was a foolish woman. which. thanks
= -aF, aa1 10, a =
Cousin George. He'll be settin' up on tn
roof iv his boat sIaoEin' good see-sar.
an wondhrin' how NANNY " tn bab5-es
named afther himll be il tn pinitinchry
be tn time ne gets back home. Up comes
me br-rave Hobson. Who ar-re We, dis
turbin' me quite?' says Cousin George
I'm Il hero says tn loot. 'AT-re ye,
faith? says Cousin George. Well he
says 1 can't do anything fr ye in that
line he says. 'All tn hero jobs on this
boat, ne says, is competentiy filled, he
says be mesilf,' he says. 1 like TO see
tn wurruk well done he says, so. he
says, I don't thrust it 10 amy wan. he
says With tn aid iy a small boy who
can shovel more love letthers an pothry
overheard than amy wan l iver see he
says I'm able to clane up me hero bust
ness befure noon ivry day he says.
What's ye'er name? he says. 'HobsOn.
says the loot. 'Niver heerd iv ye. says
Cousin George. 'Where'd ye wurruk last p
Why says tn loot, I'm tn man that
sunk IN ship he says. an I've been
kissed be hundherds iv women ut home
ne says is that so? says Cousin George.
Well. | don't believe in sinkin' me own
ship, he says. 'Whin I'm iookin for di-
varsion of that kind I sink somebody ese's.
at says ''Tis cheaper As fr tn other
that tn betther,' he says. II some iv
! these beauchious Phlippeen bellies ar
round here hears he says. that we're
in that line they may call on ye To give
ye a chaste salute he says an he
! says. frget, he says, to take tn see
| gars out iv their mouths, he, says. We
| destroyed lot of coal, ye tell me, he
| says. Do ye, he says, so downstairs
| now and shovel up ton or two IN it,
| ne says. 'Afther which, he says. we car
! roll 4 keg of beer into me bedroom. he
! says, 'fr lis dhry wurruk settiu' up fere
| watchin' expansion expand, he says.
| That's what Cousin George will say t
| tn loot An whin the loot comes back ht
| wont be a hero amy more, an If amy
| woman thries to kiss him he'll climb q
1 three Cousin George,H make n man iy
| him. 'Tis kicks, not kisses, that makes
| men iv heroes.
Well. maybe ye're fright, said Mr.
| Hennessy Hes nawthin but kid an
\ nyhow-no older than my oldest boy. an
| | know what kind of a fool he'd be il
| amy wan asst him to be more iv a foo
| thin he is. Hobsonll be famous. nc
matther what foolish things he does"
| Il dinnaw," said Mr.. Dooley. 1T wa:
| headed f'r him, but I'm afraid. as the
| bullyard players say, 'Fame's been kiss
| ed off .
Insisted on His Rights
| fFrom the Chicapo New.