Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-03-20
THEIR FUNNY WAYS.
THE IDLER CHATS WITH UNsoPHIs-
TIoATED COUNTRY JOURNALISTS.
WIDOW OF The "LATE" SNODGRASS.
Sometimes Called the "ReIic" of the
Deceased-Harsh Words About the
Coiored Cooks and Their Peculiar.
But Irresistible, Ways.

gans dangling from the sugar barrel of a
many sweet traits in his character. Es-
pecially do / praise and commend him
when electlon-time rolls around and his
ballot is needed to help us soulless cor
porations grind the common herd to pow
/ der. But he has many funny ways, and
after the election. when we have his vote
slowed away, we often find occasion to
laugh at his peculiarites and to smoker
at his fresh innocence and unmitigated
nsophlstcatedness. But Of all the rural
ROSTERS who strut around and scratch
up the dust Of the coanty turnpike, the
agricultural correspondent Of the city
| newspaper is the cock of the walk.
AS an attache of a metropolitan jour-
nal, he is looked up. to and admired, and
| his constituents firmly believe that with
out him the paper would collapse and fan
| into the hands of a receiver. This is
| partly true, too, for the stick whiting
sons of toll are good subscribers, and if
| their non-remuneratiye, but alluring, pro-
| fession OF agriculture is not represented
! IN the columns OF the great dailies, they
! forthwith back their ears and kick up
| their hind-legs But, oh! II the country cor
| respondents would only write English, or
stop TO think how the urban editor rips
| and snorts when he handles their dia-
! boical manuscript Oh! IL they could
| only be brought TO hold themselves down
| to facts, and TO check their ungrammati-
| cal flights on the subjects of war and
| questions of State There are series OF
| pet expressions these rural Journalists
| have, and never do they write for the pa
pers without working them i'm, and never,
| IL may be added, does the editor see these
| same expressions without using his blue
pencil. A favorIte idlom Of our cross
roads brethren (and some OF the city
ones too) is the phrase widow Of the
late Mr.. -" Now they go to lots Of UNI
necessary trouble when they use these
words. II would be just as absurd to
say Mrs. Snodgrass is the widow Of her
dead husband" How in the name of
goodness | ask you, could she be the
widow Of live husband; unless. indeed,
she happened to be a grasswidow, and
they don't count these times when horse
feed is so cheap? The word Tate" when
thus employed signifies deceased and
it's clear as mud tbat widow must have
lost her husband before she could be a
widow. When one says, Mrs. Snodgrass
Is the widow of the late Mr.. SnodSrass,'
/ am always forced to reach certain con-
illusions not complimentary to the lament
cd husband | am compelled to think,
either, that he was habtually tardy while
alive and always kept folk waiting, or
else that he never got home until after the
other members Of his famiy-especially
his wife-had retired
The rustic scribe who, like me, objects
TO the above expression, generally de-
scribes the widow as the "relict OF the
late Mr.. Snodgrass"; or, IL sufficiently
absorbed in politics, he will even be so
uncomplimentary as to call her THE |
relic of the late" worthy above alluded !
to. Now the word 'relct" in this sense
comes from the Latin "relinquo," to
leave, and means. of course, the consort |
the lamented Snodgrass left when he |
stepped off the earth. AS he naturally |
couldn't have stepped off the earth with |
an immediate intention off returning, 1t
is pretty safe TO count him dead, and be- |
ing dead, there's no use designating him !
as the "late Mr.. Snodgrass." Under any |
circumstances It Is against public policy |
to speak of woman as relic" and |
this word, when applied to widows-the |
spryest and giddiest of all bipeds--.. In
deed, against the peace and dignity of |
the Commonwealth. "Relic of the late |
Mr. Snodgrassw What double-jointed re-
Iulsiveness the expression signifies First, |
that the lady (probably a ballet GRID is |
an antedeluvian fossil, and second, that |
her husband found her so unpalatable |
that he never got home until morning.
Now, boys, let's go down to the corn
field and "fgur this thing OUT until we |
get II straight. Don't let's be so rough |
on the widows, or their husbands, either,
for that matter. It's all very well for us
10 have the young folk dancing until |
the wee sma' hours" and TO describe the
presents at their weddings as numerous
and handsome" but don't let's offend tue
widows. I'm for the widows. Free silver
first, widows next, and then bacon and
greens-that's my motto.
A country correspondent. who writes his
letters on the back of a catalogue for
agricultural implements, recently came
much nearer being accurate than he
imagined. In disinterrng the remains of
some lamented rustic 1t was noted that
the corpse showed signs of petrlfaction,
but the Macaulay OF Shoatville. in telling
his newspaper about it. said that the re-
mains were in a perfect state Of putre-
faction" Fortunately, the weather was
cool that day.
The theory OF rotation In office has
been horribly eXemplified In our kitchen
within the last six months, for during
this period we have had succession OF
cooks which must have included all the
female colored population of our city, 10
say nothing of the prolific counties OF
"Goosland" and Louisa. In these times
of threatened war and Journalistic pug
nacity we occasionally ind people VINO
look upon the American flag as the SYM
Dol of independence, but TO my mind the
colored servant is the very incarnation
of the idea conveyed by this WORD. NO
salary, no coaXing, no pleading, ana no
fear Of poverty can hold her back Wheh
she gets ready to tender her resignation
nor is she slow 10 find some pretext FOR
severing their connection with your estab-
lishment. Outlines when / have arisen at
breakfast time TO find my culinary ue-
partment deserted and the commander
in-chlef snorting in impotent rage, have
recalled the lines:
+" Thus it is our daughters leave us,
Those we love and those who love US,
Just when they have learned to help
US"
Not that cooks are our daughters-no,
thank Heaven, not thatl-but because
lust about the time we have taught them I
10 cook our beef rare and TO put napkins
on the table, and to do thousand iittie
tricks that have hitherto been unknown
TO them, they pack up their scanty lug
gage and take French leave. Money can
not buy them when the spirit moves
them. nor can pity sway or reason touch
them When the voice calls they must
90. The first fourteen or the dusky