The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1898-12-23
Mr.. Rooterby' S Resolution
Mr.. Rooterby was a Jack.

Mr.. Rooterby was jack.
That was what everybody said, and,
of course, what everybody says is true,
whether it is or not.
Nor was Mr.. Rooterby Jack because
his first name was John, and all Johns
are by the rule of diminutiyes Jacks.
Not at all. Mr.. Rooterby was jack
because his ears were abnormal, and
he showed other signs of an ineradica-
ble stupidity.
"Bein' as you air the best boarder
I've got, ever did have, or expeck to
have" remarked his landlady many
times during the years he had been
occupying her second-fioor front, Il
won't say as how you air plumb silly,
Mr.. Rooterby, but I'd be most sure to
if you wasn't the kind of gent you air
in every other respeck. Indeed, l
would, MIR. Rooterby, and the good
Lord knows / amt the woman to de-
prive a man of irfs just deserts, SEEM
that my poor, dead husband was one
of the Lords chosen. don't care if
people did say I had to keep boarders
SOS we wouldn't starve to death or go
on the county"
Some of the boarders were much
more emphatic in their remarks than
was the landlady.
eff Rooterby," said the prominent
politician who sat across the table from
him, wasn't such an Internal fool, he
would have married rich woman long
ago, and been member of congress
from this district. He would have also
had a comfortable home instead of
plugging away in beastly old board
ng-house. If I had his chances for
about seven minutes you bet I'd cor
ner the convention and get the nomi
nation or break bank in the at
tempt"
So it would appear that Mr.. Rooter-
ny was jack, or silly, or fool. with
the accent on the profanespenultimate
all on account of his persistent cell
bacy.
Let us examine into the testimony
against Mr.. Rooterby. A man of so,
80 well preserved that he didn't look
it by ten years; a man of affairs and
comfortable competence; n man of
good habits and good family; a man
of domestic tastes and somewhat Sc
dentary life; man of some personal
pulchritude and of excellent educa-
ton; a man considerably above the
average in all that makes a man wor-
thy of the name, except in respect of
the persistent celibacy referred to
above.
This being fair presentation of the
testimony in the case of public opin-
ion against Rooterby, the jury will re-
turn prompt verdict to the effect that
Mr.. Rooterby is guilty with evident
malice aforethought prepense.
-"I VOW" said Mr.. Rooterby, solemnly,
in the presence of witnesses, "that
wouldn't propose marriage to any wom-
an on earth. What the dickens"-Mr.
Rooterby was a vestryman and could
not be too emphatic-"do | want with
wife, I'D like to know? Here l am
past 40 years of agc"-Mr. Rooterby was
just shade sensitive on the subject of
age, and still didn't want to appear
silly about it-"living serenely and
comfortably, with nothing to disturb
me and no one to question my move
ments or my motives. What | have is
my own, and it is not constantly under
going process of drainage to meet
the extravaganza of people for whom
l would be to a large extent RESPONSE
BILE. In fact, am monarch of all sur
vey, as bachelor, and if / were a mar
ried man, there's no telling what kind
of slave to woman's foibles and fan
cies might be called on to be. There
fore, when I am perfectly satisfied and
as happy as man can be in this vale
of tears, what in thunder is the use
of trying to change the conditions?"
What stereotyped old argument it
is, truly. and yet it serves it's purpose
finely, and is an armor of defense be-
hind which more bachelors hide than
any other, perhaps, unless poverty be
considered as one.
AT Christmas Mr.. Rooterby had given
the pretty typewriter in his employ for
two or three years present of a hand
some street gown. for Mr.. Rooterby
was practical, and she had needed it so
badly that when she told the cashier
about it the tears came into her eyes,
and she said she thought it such apity
SO dear and good man as Mr.. Rooter-
by did not have wife, and a home
and children. and all those happinesses
which go with matrimony, and there
was something in the typewriter's tone
that made the cashier wonder what Mr..
Rooterby had been saying to her any
how.
The cashier and the typewriter were
the only occupants of the office except
Mr.. Rooterby. and it was not surpris-
ing that the cashier should wonder
what Mr.. Rooterby had been saying
to the typewriter, seeing that he (the
cashier) had been saying a great deal
of Importance to her himself, and with
some hopes of success. unless distract
ing obstacles were thrown in his path,
and Mr.. Rooterby was distracting
obstacle. beyond peradventure.
Nor did the fact that he had present.
ed fine suit of clothes to the cashier
as a Christmas souvenir make it any
clearer in the cashiers mind why he
had right to be saying things to the
typewriter when he (the casbier) was