The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1898-10-23
DOOLEY ON THE INDIAN WAR.

Chicago Evening Journal: ''Gin'ral
Sherman was wan iv tn smartest men
we liver had" said Mr.. Dooley. He
said so nanny bright things. Twas
him said: War is HE'LL an that's wan
iv the finest sayin'S / know anything
about. War is hell. tits a thrue wur-
rud, an a fine sintimint. An Gin'r
Sherman says: TIL only good Indyun
is a dead Indyun.' An that's a good
sayin'. too. So. be tn powers, we've
started in agin to improve tn race, an
if We can get in Gatlin guns enough
befure tn winters SHOWS Wen turin
thin Chippeways into a cimitry branch
iv the Young Mems Christyn assocla-
ton. We will so.
I'VE see, Hinnissy, tn Indyan is
bound FIR to give way to tn onward
march iv white civilization. You an
me, Hinnissy, is tn white civilization.
l come along an I find OF Snakes-in-
His-Gaiters Twin quite an dacint in a
new frame house. Thinks 1: IT'S a
shame FIR to lave this savage man in
possession iv this fine abode, an him
not able FIR to vote an without a frind
on tn polls foorce. So says 1: Snakes,
l says, get along says l, 1 want yer
house an ye best move out west iv tn
thracks an dig a hole FIR ye'erself,' l
says. 'Divvle tn fut will 1 step out iv
this house. says Snakes. I built it an
I have tn law on me side he says.
FIT why should I take Mary Ann, an
Terence an Honoria, an Robert limit
Snakes an all me little Snakes an rus
tie out west iv tn thracks,' he says,
far frim tn bones iv me ancestors he
says. an beyond tn watherpipe eXtin-
sion,' he says. Because says l. 1 am
tn walkin' dilygate iv white civiliZa-
ton, l says. I'm jist as civilized as
YOU says Snakes. 1 wear pants he
says, an a plug hat he says. 'Ye
might wear tin pairs says I, an all
at wanst,' I says. an ye'd still be a
savage, says 1. an I'd be civilized
says I, IF I hadn't on so much as
bangle bracelet l says. so get out
says l. FIR tn pianny movers is outside
r-ready to go TO wurruk, I says.
well, Snakes he fires a sthove lid at
me, an J go down TO tn polls station
an says /: Loot l says, 'they'se a
drunken Indyun not voting up near
tn mills an he's carryin' on outrag-
eous an he won't let me hang me
pitchers on his WALL says l. Vile saw
age says tn loot. I'll tache him to
rayspict tn rules iv civilization he
says. An he takes out a wagon load
an goes afther Snakes. Well, me frind
Snakes gives him battle, an KNOWN
tn premises well he's able to put up a
gr-reat fight, but afther awhile they rip
him away an have him in tn pathrol
wagon with man settin' on his head.
An thin he's put undher bonds to kape
the peace, an they sind him out west
iv tn thracks and / move into tn house
an tear out tn front an start a faro
bank. Some day whin I git tired or
tn Swedes dhrive me out or Schwartz
meister makes his lunch too sthrong FIR
compe ition, I'll so afther Snakes again.
tn on'y hope FIR tn Indyun is to
put his house on rollers an kape a
team hitched TO it, an whin he sees a
white man to start FIR tn settin' sun.
He's rooned whin he has a cellar. He
ought to pull all tn plugged dollars
that he gets from tn agent an be
pickin' blueberries into rowlin' stock.
If he knew anything about balloons
he'd have a chanst, but we white men,
Hinnissy, has all tn balloons. But,
anyhow, he's doomed, as Hogan says.
TIL onward march iv white civilization
with morgedges an other modhren i'm
provements is slowly but surely, as Ho-
gan says. chasin' him out, an tn last
iv him'll be Twin in divin bell some
where out in the Pacific ocean,
We'll" said Mr.. Hennessy, the stout
philanthropist. 1T think so, an thin
again, dipnaw. don't think we threat
thin fright. If 1 was tn government
I'd take what they got, but I'd say:
Here, take this tin-dollar bill an go
out an dhrink ye-erself TO DEATH I'd
say. They ought to have some show"
We'll" said Mr.. Dooley, 'ff We FEEL
that way we ought to go an inlist as
an Indyun.'