The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1898-05-25
Mr.. Dooley on the
Army Appointments.

From the Chicago Journal.
We'll. sir said Mr.. Dooley, II didn't
vote FIR Mack, but I'm with him now.
l had me doubts whether he was tn
gr-reatest military JANUS iv tn Gin
chry. but they'se no question about IL.
We go into this war. if we iver do go
into IL. with tn most fashionable
ARMY hat liver creased it's pants.
Twill be a daily hint firm Paris to
tn crool foe.
Other gin'rals iv tn r-rough-house
kind, like Napoleon Bonypart, tn i'm
pror iv tn Frinch, Gin'ral Ulis S.
Grant. and Cousin George Dooley.
hired coarse. rude men. that wudden't
know the difference between goluf an
croksy. an had their pants tucked in
their boots an chewed tobacco be tn
pound. Thank hivin. Mckinley knows
betther thin to sind tn likes iv thin
abroad to shock our frinds be dumpin'
their coffee into thimsilves firm a
saucer.
''Th' dure beH rings an a futman in
liv'ry says: I'm Master Willie Docs
elbery's man, an he's come to be exam
ined fr tn ARMY says he. Admit
him. says Mckinley, an Master Willie
inters. accompanied by his val-lay. his
nah an pah an tn comfy Nv tn goluf
club. Willie says tn president, we
ar-re inthering upon a gloryous car
reer, an tits nic-ssry that We shud be
thurly examined so that We can teach
tn glories iv civilization to tn tyr
ranies iv Europe that is supported be
ye'er pah an mah.' he says. '"Twud be
a turr'ble thing he says, If some day
they shud meet a Spanish gin'ral in
Mahdrid an have him say to thin: Il
seen ye'er son Willie durin' tn war
wearin' a stovepipe hat an tan shoes"
Let us begin tn examination he says.
ARE ye a good goluf player? L am
says Willie. Thin l appint we a lift
nant. What we need in the ARMY is
good goluf players he says. In our
former war he says, we had tn mis-
fortune to have men in command that
didn't know tn difference between a
goluf stick an a beecycle. an what
was IN raysult? We fooled our APP
proach at Bull R-run.' he says. ARE
We a mimber iv amy clubs?' he says.
Four says Willie. Thin 1 make We
a major he says. Where dye get ye're
pants?' he says. Firm England says
Willie. 'Gloryous.' says Mckinley. i
make We a colonel. he says. Let me
thry ye in tactics he says. Suppose
we was confronted be a Spanish ARMY
in tn Afternoon, how wud ye dhress!'
he says. ia wear a stovepipe hats a
iOng coat, n WHITE vest an idNtuuti
pants says Willie. An IL tn attack
was at night?' he says. I'd put on me
dhress shoot an &c out to meet thin.
says Willie. A thuro soter.' says Nc
Kinley. Suppose tn sociable lasted all
night he avs. I'd sound the retreat
at daybreak an have me brave boys
change back. he says, to suitable APP
par'l.' he says. Mastery says Nc
Kinley. 4 will sind ye'er name in as a
! hrfnnAfle 0FnHRIH - -ax sThnnk
Gawd, tn r-rich.' he SAYS, is brave an
patriotic he SAYS. We will jine tn
other boys firm tn club at Tampa he
says. 'Ye shud be careful In ye'er
equipment he says. Il ave almost
iv'rything r-ready.' says Willie. Me
man attinded 10 thin details he says.
But i fear i can't go to tn front i'm
mejetly.' he says. Me pink six pi-
jammas hasn't arrived he says. We'll.
says Mack, wait fr thim.' he says
Tn anxious fr to ind this horrible war.
he says which has cost me nanny Q
sleepy night he says. but 'twud be a
crime fr TO sind a sojer unprepared &c
battle, he says. 'Wait FIR tn pitam-
mas, he says. Thin on TO war. ne
says. an let ye'er watchword be
"Raymimber ye'er Manners he says
'They'se a nan out here says tn
privit sicrity, that wants to see We, ht
says. He's a r-rough-looking char
ackte that was In tn 500 war, ht
says. His name IL Gin'ral Fiteum, ne
says. Throw tn stiff out says Mack
j seen him In Pennsylvania avnoo yis-
terdah r-ridin' in a sthreet ca-ar. hs
say All. Willie. me boy he says
us Mite ye know what !
have frm these vulgar sojers viii
pants that bags at tn knees. Give ms
a sooio-upped cigareet an tell ms