The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1898-12-18
SOME QUEER INVENTIONS
CoNTRIvANcEs THAT COME TO THE
WASHINGTON PATENT OFFICE.
BIany Are PaIpabIy ImpOssibIe-They
Range from Artificial Tails for
Dogs to Fire Escapes.
Washington star.

always got up IN regulation Official toIm
and the specifications and claims pretend
10 accurately describe, with the aid of at
tacned drawings (some of them carefully
made) all sorts OF humorously impossible
contrivances or devices that appear to be
the product of unbalanced minds. The men
who send in these "burIesque" applica-
tions however, are not insane. They are
usually briefess young patent attorneys
who, lacking serious and profitable work to
employ their mechanical-legal talents, are
sufficiently mindful of the patent exam
liners to draw up these funny applications
wherewith to amuse the corps of govern
mental experts who pass upon the patent
ability OF inventions. The young chaps
who draw up the "burlesque" applications
never accompany the same with the regu-
lation official fees in sending them in, and
they simply gain their laudable aim of max
ing little harmless fun in the Patent Of
fec. One Of the more recent of these bur-
1esque" applications covered claims for an
"attachable tail for stump-tailed dogs"
The application was drawn up with extreme
elaboration, and accompanied by numerous
drawings that must have caused the expen-
diture of considerable time and effort in the
making; it was plainly the work of very
idle young attorney The specifications re-
cited the alleged difficulty which short
tailed dogs experienced in turning sharp
coEners, and also dwelt feelingly upon the
apparent humiliation with which short
tailed dogs regard their abbreviated caudal
appendages, especially when they come into
social contact with other dogs better pro-
vieed in that respect. Then the specitica-
tons described the attachable tail at great
length, and the application wound up with
z>1
claims for the priority of the invention.
This, Of course is all fun. But many Of
the bona fide applications for patents are
more genuinely funny than the "burlesque"
applications. and some of the inventions
upon which patents have actually been is
sued are not a whit less amusing. A man
need not be sane to get patent in this
country, if he submits to the Patent Office
an invention that is patentable, and it is
authoritatively stated by members of the
older division Of patent examiners that nu-
merous patents have been issued TO men
confined in insane asylums. One of the
principal examiners has kept list of some
of the freak inventions upon which patents
have been issued by the United States Pat
ent Office during recent years. The specih-
cations embodied in some of the applications
make curious reading
patent was granted to a Chicago man
not long ago for an electric hog-killing APP
paratus. The cOntriVance Is so devised that
the unsuspiciouS hog sticks his head through
an aperture in an electrically wired COM
pertinent, closes circuit by putting ms
head against metal sheet and, with his
head firmly held within the aperture by
drop apparatus, practically commits invol-
uptary suicide. This may look silly and inn
practicable but the invention is said to be
now in use in numerous Western pork pack
ing establishments
Another man from the West recently ap-
piled for a patent on an electrical horse
The horse is fashioned of aluminium, the
body completely covered with the hide OF f., a
deceased horse, and in every respect the
animal is made to look "as natural as life,"
even to the point of being fitted with nova
Bile eyeballs. The horse is intended to run
with the natural movements OF genuine,
sEre-enough living horse, and, according 10
the patentee, is capable OF making speed
OF nearly mile a minute, Just canterlh l
Whether the patentee purposes entering his
electrical horse. as a ringer on outlaw
tracks is not, of course revealed in his APP
pHcation for the patent
A PATENT TOMBSTONE.
Several years ago a queer genius in New
England got an application on patent
tcmbstone-a metal affair involving numer-
OTIS queer kinks and designed to resist wind
and weather for many thousands of years.
The patentee has died since the issuance of
his patent, and it is said that one of his
patent tombstones adorns his own resting
place in a small Massachusetts village, with
tRe following inscription wrought in the
metal:
Here lies Wendell. an inventor by trade.
And this. you will see, is an invention he
made.
iris strange to say. though tits most truly
said,
THAT he made it while living and enjoyed it
when dead.
During the last Sioux uprising, when it
was feared that the dancing Ogalalias
would make a very extensive scrtie from
their Pine Ridge headquarters, farmer In
northern Nebraska got out a patent on q
combined pillow and cannon. 1t was devised
for use against the Indians. While plowing
in his fields the crafty agricuturiSt pro-
xDided with one of these contrivances could
10y simply turning his pillow upside down
load up small but effective cannon where
With 10 scare or to shoot nosins Indians
The cannon was provided with an ammunl-
ton box and all or the appliances necessary
for the proper serving of the piece. 1t Is not
thought likely that this inventor has ac-
qliired riches through his invention.
Another peculiar patent issued to a West
ern farmer is called hen pusher.' 1t is
intended to prevent hens from scratching
and monkeying around in garden patches.
Hooks of peculiar construction are attached
to the hens feet, so that when the hen digs
jato the ground she is invountarily pushed
forward by the hook and spring apparatus.
Just what occurs in case the hen happens
to be headed for the garden patch is not
told by the patentee in his application, but
IL is to be supposed that the farmer en-
ploys a small boy to keep the hens headed
the right way by means of prodding pole.
Another patent that is devised for the be-
wilderment of the abused hen is patent
hens nest. The thing was got up to pre-
vent weasels, dogs and such from ratding
hens nests and sucking the eggs. There
is a small hole, concealed by natural
looking straw flap, in the center and bot
tom of the nest. and through this secret
orifice the egg, as soon as the hen lays it,
is dropped to a padded cell below. The
Tatentee does not, of course, dwell upon
the CONSERVATION, not to say the lndigna-
ton. of the ordinary hen when she turns
around. after her effort, and finds her esq
missing from the nest.
4 machine called the mechanical house.
maid was patented few years ago. The
apparatus churns butter, washes and iron
clothes rocks the baby. and, in fact, per-
forms almost all the rest of the household
tasks except plain and fancy automatic
sewing. The patentee. in his specifications,
describes the operation of the machine at
great length You place your baby in the
cradle" he says, in effect; your cream in
the churn. your clothes to be washed in
the receptacle provided therefor, ETC." and
the rest is the merest turning of a magical
crank.
He must have been very languid man
who got out a patent on a self-bowing
hat" The man fitted with one of these
patent headpieces who is too weary to re-
move his lid in salutation to his women
acquaintance simply presses a spring at
tached TO the brim of the hat and off flies
zhe chapeau, describing the conventional
arc in the air and then returning 10 its rest
ing place on the owners head.
TO SAVE HUMAN LIVES.
A nafent that AT first thought might seem