Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1898-02-16


marines made sailors.
The old salt looked hard at the cap
tain. Look here, captain" said he, ''do
anything but turn us into them amphib-
idious soldiers
The captain appeared to disregard the
composition of the word, but presently
'amphibidious soldiers?'"
''What | mean ls.' said Jack, ''them
soldiers wot can't live on the sea and
alters dies on the land
-:O:-
Cant you write your own name?' II
sign my name according to the Austria
liam SYSTEM" he replied with dignity, as
he made an N.-BostOn Commercial Bull
letin.
According to "The American Primary
Teacher" the following answers were re-
Gently given in a written examination to
the question, What causes rain!'
Fog"
"Faucet"
Cod
''The ocean,
Heaven"
pipes from the ocean,
"The sun gives it,
THE sun gets it from the ocean,
''At night the sun goes down and gets
it.
81 was in an elevator once that fell
fifteen stories to the basement Dear
me; how did it feel?'' Il was never so
taken down in my life. Truth.
Critic-"You say | never mention you
in my notices. Are you an actOrE'
Thespian-"I am that, and one of the
best in my line.
Critic-'And what is that if you
please"
Thespian-''You know what a rattlety-
bang there is when a fellow is supposed
to fall downstairs
Critic--"Yes."
Thespian-"Wen. I'm the man what
works that machine. Boston Tran
script.
Suitor-"Your daughter. sir, is al the
world to me-" Father Humph. Young
man, you want the earth. ''-Philadelphia
North American.
A New Year calm seemed to have
fallen upon a certain village not twenty
miles from London, relates the London
Glol g, as three American tourists strolled
through it. Not a soul was abroad,
save the geese and fowls on the COM
mon. This said the Americans. lis
real England" And they turned I'D
muddy lane to sniff England's New
Year peace to the full. In doing so they
stumbled upon an antique cottage with a
quaint board over the door. They a1-
preached to inspect the board, and from
the inside Of the cottage came the sound
of about twenty yokels' voices. all sing
differently drunk. This said the
Americans, sis more real England"
He-'I am told that your admirers
name is legion She (blushingly)-"Oh
no; his name is Williams. '-Tit-Bits.
''My boy is perfectly happy when l
spend a day with him at home,'' re-
marked a well-known society lady to a
friend a short time ago, the weather on
the day in question being too Indictment
seem extraordinary to those who. to all
appearances, live only for social pleasure;
nevertheless, it is a sad commentary on
so-called society and it's deyotees.
-:O:-
Apropes of Joseph II. Choate's com
ing to the Chicago Bar association ban
quet this story has been recalled: A
while ago he was master of ceremonies
at which both Chauncey NJ. Depew and
GRACE Porter were twin stars. Mr.
Choates face fairly beamed with delight
as he rose to extend a greeting. Il am
sure you would not allow me to quote
this pleasing programme if [ did not
felicitate you upon the presence of two
other gentlemen-those twin-rail fellows,
we'll met at every festive board, without
whom no banquet is ever complete. [
mean, of course, Mr.. DepeW and Gen.
Porter Their splendid efforts on a
thousand fields like this have fairly won
their golden spurs.
81 forgot whether it was Pythagorus
or Emerson who finally decided that the
soul of mankind is located in the
stomach, but these two gentlemen, GER
tainly, by their achievements on such
arenas as this. have demonstrated that
the pyloric oriice is the shortest cut to
the human brain. Their well-Won title
of the first of dinner orators is the true
survival of the fittest, for I assure you
that would long ago have laid all the
rest of us under the table, if not under
the sod. And SO | think in your names
| may bid them welcome, thrice welcome
duo fulmina belli.'
They were blasting rocks near river,
and dynamite had been placed i'll differ
ent localities, relates the Atlantic Consti-
tuition.
The family of colored fisherman was
curously inspecting the work, though
they had been warned away on numerous
occasions.
One day the old woman, pipe in mouth,
was standing with her two children near
a barrel of dynamite, when suddenly
there was terrific explosion and the
family went up with it.
The head of the family witnessed the
tragedy from a distance. The next morn
ing he approached the mayor of the town,
and said:
EFF you please, sah l wants ter know
what cemetery lots is sellin' fer in de cuI-
lud buryin' groun'?'
Have you recovered the-the bodies"
asked the mayor, sympathetically.
mo, sub, not yit,' was the reply, "but
I'm expectin' of 'em ter come down mos
any minute!''
Lord Mansfield is the oldest member
of the Tory Carleton club. The next
person on the roll would be Mr.. Glad