The Van Buren press., 1898-08-27

is also not worth considering. As for
Julia. | was to have married her:
used to kiss her. She wrote to say that
she thought a great deal of me; she
still writes. ! don't want her. 1 don't
want anything. have become the last
man alive in the world. | shall leave
this farmhouse very soon. The people
are all right, but they are people, and
therefore fnsuffera BILE. can no longer
live or breathe in a place where ! see
people. or trees which people have
planted, or houses which people have
built. 1t is an ugly word people.
July IL was wrong in saying that
| was the last man alive in the world.
/ believe I am dead. | know now why
the mastiff howled and ran away. The
whole moor is full of them; one sees
them after a time when one has got
used to the open country-or perhaps
/ il is because one is dead. Now | see
them By moonlight and sunlight, and
I | am not frightened at all. | think
must be dead. because there seems to
/ be a line ruled straight through my
/ life. and the things which happened on
/ the further side of the line are not
real. | look over this diary. and see
some references TO Mr.. Toller, and to
some champagne. and coming into
money. | cannot for the life of me
think what it IS all about. l suppose
! the incidents described really hap
pened. unless | was mad when l wrote
/ 7 fhof a
dead since I can write in book, and
eat food, and walk, and sleep and wake
| again. But since / see them now
these people that fill up the lonely
| places-I must be quite different to or
binary human beings. If l am not
dead. then what am L? To-day | came
across an old letter signed Julia Jar
vis;" the envelope was addressed to
me. / wonder who on earth she was?
July "a man in froek coat came
to see me. and talked about my best in
terest. He wanted me, so far as |
could gather, to come away with him
somewhere. He said | was all right,
or. a any rate, would become all right,
with a little care. He would not go
away until said that l would kill him.
Then the woman at the farmhouse
came up with a white face, and | said
| would kill her too. positively can
not endure people. l am something
apart, something different. I am not
alive. and | am not dead. l cannot
imagine what | am.
July 16.-I have settled the whole
thing to my complete satisfaction. |
can without doubt believe the evidence
of nv own senses. | have seen, and [.
have heard. l know now that | am
god | had almost thought before that
this might be. What was the matter
was that | was too diffident; had no
self-conf6enee; l had never heard be-
fore of any man, even a clerk in an old
established firm, who had become a
god. l therefore supposed it was inn
possible until it distinctly proved to
be.
! had often made up my mind to &c
to that range of hills that lies to the
north. They are purple when one sees
them far off At nearer view they
are gray, then they become green,
then one sees a silver network over the
green. The silver network is made by
streams descending in the sunlight.
| climbed the hill slowly; the air was
still and the heat was terrible. Even
the water which | drank from the run
ming stream seemed fat and warm.
As | climbed the storm broke. took
but little notice of it, for the dead that
] had met below on the moor had told
me that lightning could not touch me.
At the top of the hill | turned, and saw
the storm raging beneath my feet.
1t is the greatest of mercies that |
went there, for that is where the other
gods gather at such times as the light
earth, and the black thunder clouds,
hanging low, shut them out from the
sight of men.
Some of the gods were rather like
the big pictures that have seen on the
boardings, advertising plays at the the
ater, or some food which is supposed to
give great strength and muscular de-
velopment. They were handsome in
face and without any expression. They
never seemed to be angry or pleased or
hurt. They sat there in great long
rows resting, with the storm raging
in between them and the earth. One
of them was a woman. | spoke TO her,
and she told me that she was older
than this earth. yet she had the face of
a young girl, and her eyes were like
eyes that | have seen before some
where. cannot think where | saw the
eyes like those of the goddess, but per-
haps it was in that part of my life
which is forgotten and ruled off with a
line. 1t gave one the greatest and most
majestic feelings to stand there with
the gods and know that one was a god
ones self and that lightning did not
hurt one, and that one would live for
ever.
July 1S.-This afternoon the storm
returned and | hurried to the meet
ing place, but it is far away to the
hills, and though l climbed as quickly
as | could the storm was almost passed
and they had gone.
August IL was told in my sleep
that tomorrow l was to go back to
the hill again and once more the gods
would be there, and that the storm
would gather round us and would shut
us from profane sight. and the steelly
lightnings would blind any eye that
! tried to look upon us. For this rea-
son have refused now to eat or drink
anything; am a god and have no need
\ of such things. 1t is strange that now