The Portland daily press., 1898-04-02
PIETY HILL HORNER.
He explains His Grievances Against the
Telephone.

Telephone.
SIS this ,0009' demanded Mr.. J. Hor-
ner of Piety Hill, where all unusual things
happen that don't find good location else.
where
Eyes," replied mild telephone voice,
"this ia 1000. What can We do for your
"You may yank this telephone out Of
my house just as soon as you can.
Mr.. Horner filled in the blank space
with an expression entirely foreign to
Piety Hills vocabulary.
Gan right, sir, ;" was the mild reply.
"I'll tell the manager.
.Wby, I thought you were telling me
two weeks ago that the telephone was the
greatest invention of the century, re-
marked Mrs. Horner's mother, who was
Mr.. Horner's mother in-law.
IT didn't tell you any such thing.
told you that well managed telephone ex-
change might be made medium for hui
man comfort and convenience second only
to the feather bed. But / am not respon-
sible for any such utterance as you put In
my mouth.
.iWhy, James," interposed bis wife,
"what is the natter The telephone ID
very handy for me to order my groceries.
Besides, / can call up Mrs. Screamer any
time of day now We can It get along with
out it.
Frances, this is once that shall in.
sist. That telephone must be removed.
So, there, make the best of 1t.
And Mr. Horner ran his fingers through
his hair and told his mother-in-law all
about it in manner that made her feel
responsible for all the misadventures of the
phone. :.
"You women sit around the house all
day and think it fun to answer the door
bell and the telephone and explain to some
fool that he has the wrong number. But
I'm too busy man. think too much OF
personal comfort. Do you understand
There was no reason to suppose that
Mrs Horner's mother did not understand,
but she took advantage of the dramatic
pause in Mr. Horner's speech to answer
humbly that she apprehended
eyes. You don't remember, suppose.
that the telephone is in my bedroom.
went to bed last night early to get good
rest before the arduous duties of today.
had slept perhaps an hour when that bell
rang. OF course had to get up.
.s1Will you send up five pounds of pork
chops for breakfast inquired some worn.
out boarding house voice
50 Whom do you think you're talking
tor demanded.
"sWhy, ism this Sausage's meat mar
ket?' she asked, with an injured air.
"I didn't stop to tell her NO. went
back to bed, but didn t sleep until after IL
'clock.
IT don't suppose that you remember
that dinner was interrupted today when
Elder Merci and his witewere here. Don't
recollect that I was just putting gravy on
the elders potatoes when that COMPOUNDED
telephone bell went on rampage. had
to drop everything and attend to it. And
what was it all aboutf
+" 'Hello' said a masculine voice. why
in thunder don't you send down those
oats9 If you want my trade, you
"'I don't want your trade' I yelled
back at him. I'm no feed store
And rang off.
Possibly you don't recall that our
morning devotions were disturbed the 9th
er day by that same ring. answered 1t,
only to hear some one call me blather-
skite. He thought he was talking to Law
yer Johns. sassed' him back, and now
my own brother won't speak to me.
maybe you women have forgotten that
the furnace fire went out Friday morning
I haven't. was down on my knees blow
ing like a bellows trying to infuse life into
one remaining spark when that crazy
phone went wrong again. 1t was John
sons pet baby trying to use the thing.
johnson thoughtful was funny; let the
homely kid ring the bell and call up my
number. Then he had the nerve to ask
me If didn t think the brat was cunning.
No; don't, was the reply he got
He has about as much sense as his dad.
Utterly lost my self control. And how
johnson not only won't speak, but de-
clares to my attorney that he will foreolose
on our mortgage. So, ~ we are turned
out you women may lay 1T to the tele
phone Do you understands"
Mrs. Horneg's mother twisted around In
her easy chair and distinctly intimated
that she com pretended everything Horner
said.
s'Now, to conclude" went on Horner,
once more running his fingers through his
hair, during the two weeks we've had
this phone I've been compelled to deny ac-
cusations of being q meat merchant, an
opera house, skating rink, drug store
an omnibus line, the weather bureau, and
once some fool asked me If / was an un-
dertakes This is the conclusion of the
whole telephone matter"
Mr.. Horner started for the door. He
stopped to ask:
do you understand"
Again Mrs. Horner's mother said she
did.--Detroit Free Press.