The age-herald., 1898-08-04
DOOLEY AND HIS DOUBTS.
If He Were President He'd Consult Dewey
 About the Philippines.

From the Chicago Journal
 "I know what I'd do If was Mack"
 said MT. Hennessy. 'Id hist a flag over
 tn Philippeens an I'd take tn whole lot iv thm."
 An yit,' said MT. Dooey, "'tis not
 more thin two months since ye larned whither they were islands or canned goods.
 Ye'er backyard is so small that yer COW can't turn urround without buttin' tn
 wood shed off tn premises, an ye wouldn't go out to tn stock yards without takin out a policy on yer life. Suppose ye were stan | in at tn corner iv Sthate sthreet an Ar chey road, would ye know what car to take to get to tn Philippeens? If yer son Packy
 were to ask yer wher' tn Phlippeens is cud ye give him any good idea whither they was in Rhoosia or just wist of tn thracks? "Mebbe I couldn't said MT. Hennessy, haughtily, but I'm for takin' thim in, any how
 ''So might I be-" said Mr. Dooley If
 could only get me mind on it. Wan iv
 the worst things about this here war is
 tn way it's maxim puzzles fir tn poor
 tired heads. Whin I wint into it thought
 all I'd have to do was to set up here be-
 hind tn bar with a good tin-cint see-gar
 in me teeth an toss dinnymite bombs into
 tn hated city iv Havana. But look at me
 now. Tn war is still goin on, an livery
 night whin I'm countin' up tn cash. I'm
 axin' mesilf will l annex Cubia or lave it
 to tn Cubians? Will I take Porter Ricky
 or put it by? An what shud I do with tn Phillippeens? Oh, what shud I do with thim? I cant annex thim because I don't know where they ar-re. I can't lave go iv them because some wan elesll take thim if do. There are eight thousan' iv thim islands with population iv one hundred million naked sayageS, an me bedrooms crowded now with me an tn bed. How can l take thim in, an how on earth am l goin' to cover tn nakedness iv thin SaVageS with me wan shoot iv clothes?
 An yit 'twould break me heart to think iv givin people I niver nor heerd tell ov back to other people don't know. An l if I don't take thim Schwartzmeister down tn sthreet, that has half me thrade al ready. will grab thim sure
 Ut aint that I'm afraid iv not doin the r-right thing in tn end, Hinnissy. Some 1 mornin' I'll wake up~an know jus what to | do, and that I'll do. But 'tis tn annoy ance iv tn manetime. I've been r-readin' about tn counthry. Iris over beyant ye'er | left shoulder whin ye'er facin' east. Jus | throw ye'er' thumb back an ye have it as acrate as amy man in town. Iris farther thin Boohlgarya an not so far as | Blewchoochoo. It's near Chiny it's not | so near an if a man was to bore a well | through firm Goshen Indianny, he might | sthrike it, an thin again he might not | It's a poverty-strhicken country, full iv 1 goold an precious stones where tn people | can pick dinner off tn threes an ar-re l starvin because they have no stepladders | Tn inhabitants is mostly naggurs an l Chinymen, peaceful inhusthrus an law abidin' but savage an bloodthirsty in | their methods. They wear no clothes ex- | cept what they have on, aA' each woman | has five husbands an eacn man has five | wives Tn r'rest goes into tn discard, tn | same as here. Tn islands has been owned he Snain Sinpo bafl1ra ho' a | threated them so well they're now up in arms against her except a ma ajority iv 1 them which is thruly loyal. Tn natives | seldom fight, but whin they get mad at
 wan another they r-run-a-muck. Whih a | man r-runs-a-muck sometimes they hang | him an sometimes they discharge him an 1 hire a new motorman Tn women ar're ! beautiful, with languishin black eyes an l they smoke see-gars, but arre hurried an l incomplete in their dhress I see pitcher ] iv tn other day with nawthin' on her ! but basket iv cocoanuts an a hoop-skirt 1 They're prudes. We import juke. hemp, l cigar wrappers. sugar an fairy tales firm 1 tn Ph'1ippeens. an export six-inch shells I an tn like. Tv late the Ph'lippeens has : awakened to tn fact that they're behind tn times, an has received much American | ammunition in their midst. They say tn | Spanyards is all tore up about it.
 "I Earned all this from tn pa-apers. an l I know tis straight An yit Hinnessy, I dunnow what to do about tn" Philip | peens. An I'm all alone in the wurruld. 1 Iv'rybody else has made up him mind. Ye 1 ask amy conducthor on Ar-rchy r-road. l an he'll tell ye. Ye can find out from tn l pa-apers, an if ye really want to know, | all ye hey to do is to ask prominent cit
 izen who can now all the lawns he owns
 with safety razor. But don't know" | "Hang on to thim,'' said MT. Hennessy
 stoutly. "What we've got we must hold. !"
 'Well." said MT. Dooley, 'if I was Mack ! I'd lave it to George. I'd say! George, I'd say. if we're fer hangin' on. hang on l it is. If ye say, lave go, dhrop thim. i Twas George won thim with tn shells
 an tn questions up to him."