Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-08-14
LIEUT.. HoBsoxs ACT DISCUSSED IN
A WELL REGULATED HOUSEHOLD.
YHE IDLER FAVOUS OSCILLATION.
But an Emphatic Somebody Takes
Issue with Hlm-The Deceitfuf
Trait. of Watermelon and How
They Can lie Remcdied. ,4

TO breakfast. and repeatedly anathe-
matted the man who keeps his wife wait
ing while he devours the latest news.
And what are you well, well. yelling
sboutY" she snappishly retorted as she
circled around one OF mys pipes and
dumped the ashes therefrom.
why it's about Lieutenant Hobson."
explained. II see where some gal went
up 10 him the other day and asked him
FOR a kiss. and the young scamp pecked
her right in the face, without any CO.
ouetting or monkey business. That's the
kind Of boy / like TO see. Hit 'om again.
Hobby. and don't let any OF them get
By you"
HE kissed a girl. did hep repeated the
manipulation Of our Domestic sewing
machine. We'll all I've got TO say
about it is that I've got a mighty poor
opinion OF him. That's just the way
with YOU men. wouldn't trust the very
best OF you. Hanging Is too good for
sou all. Now, IL you had Joined the
Rough Riders, as you wanted to do. you
would have been up to the same tricks
that is. If you had had the courage 10
DO anything brave (Which you haven't
and some girl had been idiotic enough
10 want TO kiss you. Talk to me about
men. The whole bless-take-it lot ought
to be dumped right in the bottom of
James river. Here's that Mr. Hobson
pirouetting all over the country a kissing
girls and a hugging that Mr.. Cerveras
and a listening to brass bands and a
making speeches, while his poor old
mother is at home by herself. But just
wait till Mr.. Hobson's socks need darn
ing. or he wants a piece of pie, or has
a sick headache then it's Ma, get me
this. and Ma, get me that" until the poor
woman's very bones ache. Shucks, get
mad every time think of you ALL"
After these oracular utterances, the
good. but. strong-minded woman attacked
3 cobweb that somehow had managed
TO get on q picture frame, and wiped the
SPIDERS fabric off the face of the earth.
lam a modern Moses in point Of meek
ness. end though L may never see the
promised land. at least like TO think
nv own way sometimes, and TO uphold
the opinions 1 advance. And so-very
foolishly. l know-I got into an ergu-
ment with her. and it ended by her doing
all the arguing.
"Now. what's the use of talking that
war;" I said. Everybody knows Hob
son kissed the girl ofiicially-for the sake
OF his country and as an acknowledg-
ment Of her patriotism. It's Just the
same as when a preacher or politician
kisses u baby"
patriotism. fiddlesticks" she snapped
out "he kissed that girl because he was
a horrid man, just as all the rest OF
YOU would do. Now you've got just about
as much patriotism as that sewing-ma-
chine there. and 1 wouldn't trust you an
inch beyond my nose in a matter or
that sort But you'd better not let me
catch you at It'll tell you that"
maybe that's SO, and maybe 1t isn't
I replled. not daring TO take direct issue
with her on that point, but there
one thing about this kissing-bee which
YOU seem to be overlooking. What about
the young lady involved? IL takes two
10 make a kiss. and men don't generally
kiss each other 1 suppose she's abso-
lutelv exempt from your Indignation"
This argument would have paralyzed
many a better debater, but the Com
mander-in-Chief dies, yet never sur
renders.
mo. I don't blame that girl Bit" she
beloved out "She didn't know any
better. probably, and besides, If her
father and her brothers had reared her
right she never would have thought
about doing any such foolish thing. And
then. TOO, ] doubt not that the young
lady was sincerely patriotic, so that
really her part of the transaction is
very creditable But Mr.. Hobson knew
better, and you know it. too. It's no use
irving 10 argue with me. and TO get mad
about Il. You always lose your temper,
anyhow. when l express an opinion.
''But the young lady's brother did raise
81 kick. so 1 understand" l replied. land
j would like 10 know what more you
could have expected him TO do. / sup
pose ne ought TO follow his sister
around like a spaniel"
eyes. he ought. Every man ought TO
escort his sister everywhere she goes
and. moreover this young lady might
have been forewarned. If some respon-
sible person did not warn women against
men. / believe all Of us would go TO
the iunatic asylums."
In an humble apologize tone l tried
10 explain that Lieutenant Hobson was
nothing. If not a mothers boy; that
there couldn't be better son, and that
his correspondence with the noble lady
who glories I'm his record was as sweet
as anything l had ever heard or.
"Then. IL that's the case" she retorted,
''he ought 10 have gone right home when
he came out OF prison and helped his
mother about the house, instead Of taking
. vacation. There are lots and lots of
things he could have done. He might
have helped her lay down her matungs
or rub up her furniture or fix the shelves
in her pantry or polish her stoves. There
are a million things he could have done II
he had been the right sort Of fellow. But,
after all. let's excuse him. He's nothing
bur a man. They are all alike.
And smothering my wrath, l contented
myself with the sarcastic reply mat II
was a pity-yes, public caiamity-th2t
Dewey wasn't at home helping ms wire
with her preserves the day ne SUNK the
armed Spanish sand scows In Mania Bay
Though I was born In the slashes OF
that grand old county OF Hanover ana
passed my checkered boyhood among lts
melon-clad fields. 1 have never yet been
able 20 make an accurate diagnosis OF
the good standing OF watermelon. NOW
that the dog star has re-estaphsheu his
stellar boneyard in the heavens ana
peace and plenty reign Ger TINS Iaho'
we frequently have watermelons on our
bin OF fare, but oft are the tunes "heh
we sadly discover that we nave pur'
chased a spurious article. one cay the
long-Rreen vegetable is over-ripe and mas
a heart as LIQUID as James river water
tfgaaa