davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
GEE-WHIZ.

At every motion of his body or limbs ne said "Gee-whiz." If he raised his arm or croocked his elbow or when he got up or sat down or bent over; if he bent his knee or turned his head, he said "Gee-whizz." Gee-whizz was his way of expressing vexation and trouble, and he had his peck Tit. Thousands do as he had done and have bushels of it. He simply did very foolish thing. He took of his coat at the wrong time and in the wrong place. The time was when he was overloaded and the place just where cold draft struck him. He woke in the morning win sorness stiff ness from head to foot. If he had bethought him of the right thing to do, he would have gotten bottle of St Jacobs Oil and rubbed 1t over his body. Use it on going to bed and you'll wake upi open your eyes and say ''Gee-whizi i' the soreness and stiffness are gone.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
you one of the mOurners?
 Gentleman-Yes; he owed me $50O.- New York Tribune.
Record Car0O.

Probably the largest cargo brought to London by one vessel is now being discharged in the Millwall docks. This has been brought by the steamer Mil waukee, one of MeSSrs. Elder, Demp- ster & Co.'S line, running between Lon don and Montreal. The Ailwaukee's s cargo capacities are 11,500 tons dead weight, or 1S,00O tons measurement of forty cubic feet What this means in actual Carrying may be gauged by the enumeration of her present cargo, which was as follows: Five hundred and fourteen head of cattle, 132 horses, 1S.412.12 bushel oats, 1,209 bales hay, 13, ,149 sacks flour, 51,629 pieces deal, 1G,32S boards, 4,393 pieces lumber, 195 tierces lard, POO bags starch, GAO sheep 1S9,200 bushels corn, 20,O25 boxes cheese, 399 cases apples, Il cases ma chinery, 16,737 deal ends, 5,723 pieces birch blanks, 134 radiators, $50 pails lard, 5,73O bags grape sugar.-Glasgow Weekly Mail.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
A BACHELORS QUARTERS.
Nothing Homelike About Them, Accord
 ing to the Married Mans Story.

Nothing Homelike About Them, Accord ing to the Married Mans Story.
 They hadn't met since the old college days, ten years before, and of course the benedict insisted that the bachelor should come home to dinner with him.
 Married the year after I left col lege," he said, "and I have the incest little home and the finest lot of young sters that you ever saw. I want you to come out and sne how nicely I'm fixed. 1 tell you a man doesn't know what life Is until he's married"
 "No?"
 Well, should say not.''
 And so it happened that the bachelor went with the benedict and met the latter's wife and played with his chil- dren and made himself generally useful and popular until they were all. seated at the dinner table.
 It was over the coffee and cigars, aft CT the benedict's wife had left the table, that the benedict finally suggested:
 Pretty comfortably fixed, ain't I, old man? Children, why don't you go into the ether room?''
 ''Very nicely, indeed,'' answered the bachelor, replying to the first question and ignoring the second.
 "Oh, there's nothing like home life," went on the benedict. Willie, stop trying to climb on MT. Browns knee. He wants to smoke Do you know, old man, I laugh when think of my fool iSh idn" +h"+ 1--,o-v i- those off days what happiness was. Why, a man doesn't begin to live until Maggie, put that nutpick back on the table You'n jab it in your eye the first thing you know. Yes, sir. 1 actually have to laugh when 1 think of it. Our idea of contenCment Ill those days was to get pipe and book and bottle of Scotch and lock the door and lie down and Would you mind moving your coffee cup little farther back on the table, old man? Tommie's trying to reach it, and my wife would raise my scalp if 1 should let him break one of her very best cups. That's it. Thank you. As I was saying we didn't know what ease and contentment was in those days. No single man does A man has to have big armchair and his slippers all ready for him and everything sort of restful and quiet before Now, don't cry, Ma bel. If you didn't want to get hurt, why did you grab the end of my cigar? Tommie, take her ill to her mother. There, Willie, I told you you'd stick that nutpick into your hand if you didn't look out. Run into the other room and ask your mother to put bandage on it. Let's see, where was I, old man? Oh, yes, remember now. I was about to say that there's nothing homelike about bachelor quarters ''-
 "No, " interrupted the bachelor, with considerable emphasis, "there isn't"
 The benedict couldn't quite see the reason for such an emphatic assertion, but he wisely changed the subject, just the same.-Chicago Post.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Maybe She Didu't Mean the Diun

fore his f0Ot lights.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Refined Renarfee.

"My face," said the seasoned sou orette, "is my fortune"
 You don't say so|' .retorted the fun ly comedian. 1 thought it stood for what you owed"
 And why do you think it stood for what owed|' asked the seasoned sou orette.
 Because" explained the funny come Han, 'I see you have it chalked up.'- Indianapolis Journal.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

SAE FRANCISCO, CAL. LOUISVILLE, KY. REW YORK, NY
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
THAT FAMILY CLOSET.
Aud the Various Kinds of Skeletons That
 Abide Therein.

l
 Abide Therein.
 Every family has its skeleton. We know that, of course, anatomical speci- mems, neatly put together and stored away i'll secure cupboard, of which only family members have the key-a skeleton key, probably. Only when the family Is alone, with no visitors about, does 1t go to the door cautiously and unlock 1t and bring the bony occupant forth. The family knows its own skele- ton, but outsiders are supposed to be in total ignorance of its existence, and if they are wiser than people think them and of course they always are-it is only point of politeness to pretend to be | blind and deaf.
 Of how many kinds are family skele- tons? The Joneses possessed an uncle who died insane. You can't go near the Jones cupboard, or, in other words, even hint at the subject of hereditary insanity ill their presence, without the skeleton audibly knocking its bones to- gether and all the Joneses turning pale. You can't mention Turkish bonds to the Browns without their jaws suddenly falling; you can't think why. And when drink statistics form the cheerful sub- ject of conversation at the Robinsons' table you observe with wonder that all the family grow uncomfortable and writhe in their chairs. You haven't the 1 faintest notion why, but the skeleton Las.
 ] met man once at 4 dinner parry who was D. -actly sane upon every point on earth but one, and on that he was the opposite. He could talk about politics, science, art, Shakespeare and the musical glasses, but If by any chance the conversation touched on dueling he went straight off his head then and there.
 Dueling was the skeleton in his cup board, and the reason was one that can- not be enlarged upon here On one day in every year he shut himself up in his house and was not seen by mortal eye. That was the one day when his skele- ton came out and stalked about.
 Many people have what seems to the general public harmless enough skele. ton, but it is real and ghastly to them selves. It is of humble origin. It is sur prising the pains people will take to conceal that their grandfathers were poor, but honest, the lies they will tell (which only proves that the grandpar ent's qualities have not descended in the direct line) and the meannesses they will indulge in, in the pitiable effort to hide the fact that two generations ago they kept small greengrOcer's shop or wore plush and powder. After all, the longer the line the more certain it is to contain ancestors who won their bread by the sweat of their face.
 If all the world were not descended from the same grand old gardener, t" there might be more common sense in trying to forget honest toil.-English Exchange.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
The Nearest Approach.

An English tourist visited Arran, and being a keen disciple of Izaak Walton, was arranging to have a days good sport.
 Being told that the cleg, or horsefly, would suit his purpose admirably for a lure, he addressed himself to Christy, the highland servant girl, "I say, my girl, can you get me some horsefies?'
 Christy looked stupid, and he repeat. ed his question. Finding that she did not yet comprehend him, he exclaimed: :
 "Why, girl, did you never see a horsefy?"
 "Naa, sir," said the girl, "but a wanse saw a coo jump over a preshi- nice. '-Rambler.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Significant.

A drawing master who had been wor- ryiug punil with coutemptuOus re- marks about his deficiency of skill in the use of the pencil ended tr s-t~-
 ''Jf yca were to draw u. t1- ..-Ir. pie, tell noe vI.. .a-- .... .-.... first"
 The pupil, with a significant meaning ill his eye, looked up to his teacher face and quietly said:
 "Your neck, sir. "-Pick Me Up.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
.n OPEN LETTER TO MOTHERS.

We are asserting in the courts our right to tht
 exclusive use of tine word !" "CASTORIA," and
 PITCHER $ ScASTORIA," as our Trade Mark I. Dr. Samuel Pitcher, ofHyannis, Massachusetts, was the originator of" PITCHERS CASToRIA," l" the same that has borne and does now bear the c-siniiie signature of CIIAS. H. FLETCHER oD every wrapper This is the original |" PITCHERS CAsTORIA' which has been used in the homes Of the mothers of America for over thirty years. Look Carefully at the wrapper and see that it is .1t Es4E DOT El1e a.-11Js 5oEghk aud has the signature of CUAS II. FLETCHER on the wrsppes. So one has authority from me 10 use my name except The Ce;llaur Company Of w hich chas. H. Fletcher is President.
 Azaseh 8. l2s7. SAMUEL PITCHER, MD
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Her Beginning.

Tom-How do you like that novel ] brought you yesterday?
 Alice-I don't like it at all. I don't care to finish it.
 Tom-How much have you read?
 Alice-One chapter.
 Tom-Then you really haven't got into the story. The first chapters mero- ly a sort of introduction.
 Alice-But the first chapter isn't the one I've read, and the heroine dies. No; you may take it back.-Chica@n News.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

The amusements offered to the public in the past meetings of the California Jockey Club have been far in excess of their expec- tations. In view of the fact that its man agement has the personal attention of its genial Secretary, MT. F. H. Green, who is qualified to satisfy the lovers of equine sport in securing the best-bred running course, which has been so literally patron ized during their past meetings, and will continue for two consecutive weeks, begin ming January 24, till February 9th, inclu- sive, visitors from the interior should visit these beautiful grounds, which are super for to any in these United States.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
ONE ENJOYS

Both the method and results when Syrup of Figs is taken; it is pleasant and refreshing to the taste, and acts gently yet promptly on the Kidneys, Liver and Bowels, cleanses the sys- tenn effectually, dispels colds, head aches and levers and cures habitual constipation. Syrup of Figs is the only remedy of its kind ever pro- duced, pleasing to the taste and ac- ceptable to the stomach, prompt iii its action and truly beneficial in its effects, prepared only from the most healthy and agreeable substances, its many excellent qualities commend it to all and have made it the most popular remedy known.
 Syrup of Figs is for sale in 90 cent bottles by all leading drug gists. Any reliable druggist who may not nave IL. on hand will pro- cure it promptly for any one who wishes to try it, onot accept any substitute.
 cALlFGRRlH FIG SYRUP %
 SA9 FRANCISCO. cAL.
 LOUISVILLE, KY. REW YORK, NY
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
A Dangerous BIunder.

''No man can know everything" said the high-minded youth.
 Between you and me-" replied Sen ator Sorghum, that's a fact. But there's no excuse for a mans making the mistake of owning up to it."- Washington Star
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

God is love, and you can never escape from love. No sorrow, no sin, no no darkness, can enable you to escape from love The omnipo- tence is the omnipotence of love, and the is the onnipresence of love. You may loosen your hand, but he will not loosen hia-Lyman Abbott
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Her Dearest Friend.

Mrs. Dashleigh-How well Mrs. Rich- ley preserves her youth.
 Mrs. Dallington-Oh, don't regard it as at all remarkable. Paint, you know, will keep almost anything from going to decay.-Cleveland Leader.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
NO MACINTOSH.
Contrary Effects of the Absence of One c
 6 Friend of Colonel Calliper.

Contrary Effects of the Absence of One on
 Friend of Colonel Calliper.
 ''I knew a man once," said Colonel Calliper, "a young man who had ev- erything that heart could wish for who notwithstanding that fact was a pretty sane and sensible sort of young man, but who nevertheless did at times in his younger days before he had learn cd the philosophy of life occasionally have periods If depression. Tn one of these ou his War home once from Eu- rope be c4:.u 70 'br "oucLE--.c fhat life wasJ t worth living, a4a 4. made uU his mind t9 cuo lJ all right tber0 .. jumping overheard. AS he looked over the rail and realized how wet the wa ter was and how much there was of it he knew that he ought not to go out in it without a mackintosh.
 "Going below, he discovered that he had neglected to bring one. On this oc- casion of all others when he wanted one most he had none. But he couldn't think of encountering the wet inaprro- priately clad, and so he deferred jump 1DR ONtIUOdlu uuG11 AO COu40 NAO oO HI proper form. Next morning, with the resiliency of youth, he was feeling bet ter, and he arrived in New York buoy ant, hopeful and strong.
 And, curiously enough, while in other respects he remained as punctil ious as ever about his dress, he never after that wore a macintosh, and he went out in all sorts of weather with out hesitation. It was his carelessness in this regard that led fiAally to his death. Out without mackintosh ill a heavy rain at the age of 97, he caught cold that settled on his lungs, develop ed into pneumonia and carried him off, and so it may be said of my friend that he owed his long life and his death to the same cause. ''-New York Sun.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
DESTRUCTIVE STORMS ALONG
 THE COAST

Reports of maritime disasters along the coast cOme,in thick and fast. People who "go down to the sea in ships" should bear in mind one thing in particular, namely that it is highly desirable to take along supply ot Hostteters Stomach Bitters as remedy for seasicknesS. Nausea dyspepsia, billiOusness, constipation malaria nervousness and kidney trouble, all succumb to its beneficent and speedy action.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

"Have you any children" asked the janitor of man who was looking at a flat in a north side apartment house.
 "Only one little boy" replied the prospective tenant, but he is very sickly and would not cause any annoy ance."
 'I don't know about that" said the janitor. ''SOme of those sickly children finger a long time, and I don't like to take any chances"
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Unnecessary.

BacOn-Its all very well for you to talk, but why should he say I was a confOunded hog?
 Hamm-Come to think of it, it was an entirely unnecessary remark.-Bos- ton Transcript.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Superstitious,

What in creation did you call an ambulance for, ChumleyT'
 Didn't you see that fellow walk un- Ter the ladder there? He won't go three blocks before something happens to lim." ."-Detroit Free Press.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
IT'S NOT EXTENSIVE.

It's the quality that's high in TEA GARDEN DRIPS, TOBOGGAN MAPLE SYRUP and PELICAN grocers in cans only. Money refunded if goods are not satisfactory. Don't accept an imitation See that the manufacturers name is lithO- THE PACIFIC COAST SYRUP co.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
A Melancholy Fact.

Are you aware, colonel" asked the young person, ''that the human body is more than fOur-fifths waterY
 Humanity" said the colonel, more to himself than to the insignificant youth, humanity is fah from perfect" Indianapolis Journal.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

Little Georgie's Artless PrattIe.
 Docs it Overhang the river, MT. Windsor, like they do in Collyrado" What do you mean, Georgle?"
 "Why, sister said you was working the biggest bluff in the cOuntry."- Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Inventions.

"rhis is a wonderful age of inven- tion," remarked the young man of seri- ous inclinations.
 Yes" replied the skeptic, "and the new machines we are getting do not show that fact nearly as much as the stories invented by inventors about the things they are going to inyent."- Sta,
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
SUPPOSE WE SMILE.
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
 THE COMIC PAPERS.

Pleasant Incidents Occurring the World Over-Sayings that Are Cheer full to Old or Young-Funny selec' tions that Everybody Will Enjoy.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Those Dear Girls,

Bob says l grow more beautiful ev- time he sees me-" said Mary.
 "Why don't you ask him to call often er?' said Anne.-Harper's Bazar.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
One Way to Do It.

A Lewiston (MeD man who Is only 50 years old, has ten children working in the mills, and all of them turn their pay over to him every Saturday night.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Fast and Slow.

She-He's fast, understand. He-No-slow.
 "You evidently don't know how Ee spends money.
 "Ah, but I know how he pays his debts. Philadelphia Record.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Beats n Burglar Alarm,

Smith-My wife has quit going through my pockets when I'm asleep.
 Jones-Is that so? How did it hap pen?
 Smith, bought one of those me chanical mice the other day and put it in my pocket, and ever since then she has lost all interest in the financial question.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Feeding 8 Baby Elephant.

In St. Nicholas F. Fitz Roy Dixon tells of a baby elephant that was cap- tured by friends of his in CeylOn, after the death of it's mother. Mr. Dixon says:
 When Sidney was first brought over, virtually in order that she might be fed, the question naturally arose as to how she would take her nouriShment. Of course the proper way for an adult elephant to take i'll water is by means of the trunk, which is furnished with two tubes running it's whole length. But when 8 Lowl of milk was placed before the laIy elephant she did not know what rJ do with lt. She dipped gLo .1r u4 A,1 ,.~Ill into it, and the lockers on thought that there would be no difficulty about her drinking at all, since she recognized the scent of the nourishment she had been accustomed to- But she was quite at loss and set up a roar which seemed quite natural under the circumstances. Then some one suggested pouring it down her throat from a bottle, and this was ac- cordingly tried, and after one or two in- effectual attempts she understood.
 She was half starved when this was done, for she had had nothing to eat since the death of her mother, and her delight at being fed was most amusing. The only trouble was that it was diff cult to satisfy her, and it was feared that the change of diet would disagree with her, but fortunately it had no i'll effect.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

Helen-I wonder why Kate doesn't mind her own business.
 Mattie-She hasn't any. Helen-Business?
 Mattie-No: mind. Chicago News.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
ly Times.
So Sweet of Her.

Clara-Did you have any trouble in getting him to propose?
 Maude-NO. I suggested that you were after him.-Detroit Free Press.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Not i'm the Retail Business.

TOm-Clare, darling, won't you give ne just one little kiss before I go?
 Clarre-NO, indeed. I wouldn't puck ar my lips for just one; nothing less .h9n a dozen goes.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
DisapnOinted,

Did your friend who went to hlon' dike make his expected striker
 ''No; he writes me that he was frozen out" t."-Philadelphia North American.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
L.ooIing to the Fanl, Acconnt.

Looking to inc Bank Account.
 Critic-You are not maintaining the high standard which you set at your theater when the season opened.
 Manager No; I've stopped enoourar- ing art To give the people what they want. Philadelphia North American.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Sensible Young Man.

Hamlette-Did you ever appear be- fore the footlights?
 Levering-Never. When I call on my best girl always listen for her fathers approach and manage to disappear be fore his foot lights.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

s. . srs gaztgs--,y ,y sss g ry
 CH}LDREN TEETHINEs,' z HBs. WtHsLCWs SOOTHING SYRUP SnUuid 6LwcT1 ba used for children teeJhing tsoothes ths child soft ems the guns Eays all pain cures wind collie and is the best remedy for dlRrThuas. Twenty i've ceDts E bottle. 70 ss the best or su. E
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Norn1 War nf NnveI ReadinC.

Novel Way of Novel Reading.
 ''Irs. Jabberwock tells me she can read ten novels in a week"
 "Yes, she always begins at the last chapter and reads back until they be- come uninteresting. ."-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

Air. GroWe'i-- Madam, JLls is the sr.- oud time tLls week that ] have come home and found my dinner cold. # f.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
No Wonder,

The Boy-I've got you on a string at last.
 The Kite-Yes; that's what makes me soar.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
By His Cigars.

By His Cigars. Yeast-A mans judged by the com pany he keeps, l believe? Crimsonbeak-Cer And also by the cigars he keeps, presumeF'
 "Oh, no; by the cigars he gives away."-Yopkers Statesman.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
In His Wife,s EYes.

Tommy-Paw, what is an enemy to society?
 MT. Ffgg-Any sensible married man is an enemy to society" as his wife understands the word.-Indianapoll Journal.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

In EaTI--b timo when the weathU was warm the men n sss pit took c coats and vests.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
tucked away. -ChlcagO Record.

Nearly 200 patents have been issued for horseshoes, but not one of the inven. lions has ever come into general use.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

My doctor said I would die, but Piso's Cure for Consumption cured me.-Amos Kelner Cherry Valley, Ills, Nov. g, '95.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

AFTER being Swindled by all others, send us stamp for particulars of King SOlOm0n's Treas MASON CHEMICAL co, r. U. BOX 745 PHILADELPHIA, PA.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Not Far,
She felt his breath nnon

She felt his breath upon her cheek. ''Sirw she protested, you are going too farv' That was what his breath indicated; but according to the cyclom- eter their tandem had covered but paltry 481 miles since they started- Detroit Journal
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Attenuation,

'rI can tell when my wife buys some thing she considers eXtravagant. !"
 How can you tell?"
 fShe always explains that she bought 1t with a So bill she happened to have tucked away. "-ChicagO Record.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
STATE OF OHIO, CITY OF ToLEDo,l s.

LUCAS COUNTY.
 FRANK J. CHENEY makes oath that he is the senior partner of the firm of F. J. CHE NEY S Co.,, doing business in the City of Toledo County and State aforesaid, and that said firm will pay the sum of ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for each and every case of CATARRH that cannot be cured by the use of HALLS CATARRH CURE.
 FRANK J. CHENEY. Sworn to before me and subscribed in my presence this 9th day of December, A. D. 1886 SEAL. A. w. GLEASON, - NOTARY PUBLIC. Halls Catarrh Cure is taken internally, and acts directly on the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. Send for testimo- nals, free.
 F. J. CHENEY < CO.,. Toledo, o. Sold by Druggists, 75o.
 Halls Family Pills are the best.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
Didn't Like to Take Chances.

Mrs. Growells-We eli, IL you uU, iii make it hot for you.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19

Genuine Grief.
The St. Johns herald., 1898-02-19
-..- A-.. =

Cas-omer-You guaranteed 8 tl-, dld' u't you!
 Tail0r-I did.
 Customer-Well, the only fl about these clothes was the one my wife had when she saw 'em.-Melbourne Week ly Times.