Santa Fe new Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1898-1951, 1898-08-18
VAN VRANKEN'S IDEA.
WHEN IN CRIPPLE CREEK, DO AS THE
CRlPPLES DO.

That Wa His Scheme, but unfortunately
His Views of the Situation We're All
Founded on What He Saw In the Funny
Papers-All a Mistake.
Clarence Van Vranken had been ordered
to Cripple Creek for the improvement of
his health. Being IA mild young man, his
knowledge of the character and customs
of the denizens Ia knowledge chiefly de-
rived from the funny papers) occasioned
him no little alarm.
''If it is WISE" ~soliloquized Clarence,
"to do in Rome as the Romans do, it must
be equally %sagacious to do in Cripple
Creek as the Cripples do. In order to avoid
those un~pleasantnesses to which tourists
are subjected | must arrive in the guise OF
an indigenous denizen myself"
As may be readily seen, Clarence Van
Vranken was indeed a shrewd and logical
young man.
=
1t was a warm afternoon in Cripple
Creek. Around the bar of the principal
saloon were gathered a number of old set
tiers.
The stage had arrived but a short time
before, and the general interest created by
the event was just oozing away when in
dications of a disturbance outside were
| heard by all. Either an unusually de-
monstratiye cyclone or a peripatetic Fourth
of July celebration seemed to be run
ming amuck. The problem was soon
solved. Through the open window was
seen a young man clad in buckskin and
surmounted by a huge sombrero which
momentarily threatened to disturb his
center of gravity. In eccentric circles ne
was brandishing and discharging a pair
of heavy revolvers, while anon his vocal
chords produced wild and thrilling whoops.
"Clear the wayl'' roared this object OF
interest as he boisterously entered the sa-
loon. "Whoopl I'm Cactus Clarence, and
| kin lick my weight in tarnation cata-
mountsl Every one of you onery galoots,
tenderfeet and all, every cuss in this She
bang, come up and hev er drink Oh mel"
To this sweeping invitation no one
seemed inclined to respond. Finally an
old settler arose, a powerfully built man
still in the prime of life. On his set jaws
a habitual expression of grim determine
ton rested, while in his piercing steel gray
eyes was a look that showed him to be no
man to trifle with.
"My young FRIEND" he said, bearing
down on the so called Cactus Clarence,
~''although l must take exception to your
somewhat riotous style of address, which
I can only attribute to eastern Ignorance
of the conventionalities, l am quite in.
terested in your language, which seems OF
a remarkably polyglot description. Hav-
ing devoted some time to genealogical re-
search, would be obliged if you would
tell me the origin and inform me where
such unheard of words as %'tarnation, she.
bang 'galoot' and 'tenderfeet' are cur,
rent"
Smoothing out his sleek Prince Albert
and adjusting his spotless silk hat, the ole
settler awaited an nswer.
But Cactus Clarence was on no such
pacific mission. "Whoop!" he yelled. "I'm
lookin for Alkali Ike, Pizen Pete, Lariat
Larry and yer other bad men,"
A quaint looking man seated in the cor
ner, feoking a spot of cigar ashes from his
immaculate shirt front, walked to Cactus
Clarence.
"Young man." he said, II have lived
in Cripple Creek for 20 years. can tel
that no individuals known by sucf
barbarous appellations have ever figured
in society here. l am the sheriff, and yor
must come with me-" And away they
went together.
"Must be crazy" observed a prominen'
banker. "What n fantastic costume hi
wearsl A very original style of headgea
tool"
"Oh, it's some advertising dodge" salt
a shrewd, prosperous looking lawyer
"anything to attract attention, you know
} Well hear from him later in connection
with soap or something"
"Well, I'll be hanged" muttered Clar
ence Van Vranken, alias Cactus Clarence
as OH tho next morning he emerged from
the police court, leaving SIS for disturbing
+ the peace and $50 for carrying dangerou
weapons. en- be hanged if I'll ever be
lieve in the funny papers again. Good LORD
but 1 took a lot too much liquor to rails
most unnecessary courage!'
p Then the erstwhile Cactus Clarence oil
some thinking.
"Good heavens!" he groaned. If ther
had been Alkali Ikes, Pizen Petes an
Lariat Larrys, where, oh, where would
be nv this time?'-New York journal