The Banner-Democrat. [volume] (Lake Providence, East Carroll Parish, La.) 1892-current, 1898-06-04
THE GEORGIA HUMORIST.
EXPERIMENTS DlSASTROUSlY ON MRS.
ARP's CHOICE FLOWERS.
Used Sulphur Fumes for Bues---Seven
Ages of Man, as Set Forth by Shakes.
peare, Not Divided Up Right---Other
Interesting Talk.

There is no rest for the wicked and
not much for an old man with good
intentions, but bad judgment. Some
years ago my wife complained about
the vermin that was devouring her
choicest plants in the flower pit, and
so to surprise her, put some sulphur
in an old pan and set it on fire in the
pit. I had read about that remedy
somewhere and concluded to try it.
Well, it did kill all the vermin and all
the plants, too. felt so bad about it
that departed those coasts for a day
or two. She never chided me nor ut
tered a mournful note and l never
mentioned flowers or sulphur or went
about the pit for several days. I'm
beknown to her, duplicated the bill
from Atlanta and brought out beau-
tiful lot of pretty things on the wagon
and kept them hid out until she
went visiting next day, and
then arranged them all
nicely in the pots in the pit so as to
surprise her when she came home.
Well, it was a surprise and made
everything calm and serene. was
eliminating about this yesterday, for
she had called my attention to some
lice or animalculae or bacteria or YER
min of some sort that was preying on
the rose buds and stems and the
young chrysanthemum plants in the
flower garden, and she wondered what
would destroy them. Somebody told
her she said that whale oil was very
effectual remedy. And SO I went TO
town and bought bottle Of whale oil,
which is the most odoriferous COM
pound of villainous smells that ever
offended nostrils. Thinks l, this will
kill them sure, and it did, and like the
sulphur, it killed everything put it
on. I wanted to surprise her. am
very fond of surprising her with pleas
ant surprises. This morning took
the scissors and cut off every withered
and damaged bud and branch and
hid the bottle, and she hasn't dis
covered the loss as yet, but she men
toned again that must get her some
whale oil soap and make solution of
it and sprinkle the plants with it. 81
thought you said whale oil would kill
them" said I. "No, l said whale oil
soap. Why, the raw oil will kill every
thing it touches. 1t is as bad as vitriol
or the fumes of burning sulphur" said
she, and she smiled one of her smiles
st me. What a misfortune it is is to
be deaf in one ear and can't hear we'll
out of the other. OF course she said
whale oil soap, but didn't hear the
soap at all. The other morning was
dressing little grandchild and got
her dress on wrong side before and she
said, in sympathetic tone of voice:
Grandpa, you haven't got very much
sense. have you?" began to think
she is right; I am laundering about
something all the time. Wore my
wife's spectacles down town yesterday.
Hers are gold and mine are steel and
she says it is very strange couldn't
see the difference. But the fam
lily still lets me work the garden
and cultivate the flowers and nurse
I wish didn't have anything else to
do. Shakespeare said that man had
seven ages, and / yecken he has, but
don't think he divided them up right.
He should have left out the justice,
for there are but few of them-not
enough to make q class or to illustrate
an age. Then his sixth age, which
ought to fit mon Of my years, does not
fit me, for / have no lean and slip
pered pantaloons. nor pouch on side,
nor have saved my youthful stockings,
nor is my shank shrunk, nor is my big,
manly voice turned to childish treble,
nor does it whistle in its sound. Even
his seventh age does not fit the major
ity of mankind who have passed their
three score and ten or their four score
years-with most of them their menta!
faculties are not mere oblivion. This
is SANDER on Gladstone and most OF
his juniors, He is correct in his dag
nosis of the fourth age of the soldier
Jealous in honor-sudden and quick
in quarrel. That fits the jingoes now
who want war with Spain. 1 won.
der if that member from Louisiana has
really resigned his seat IN congress be-
cause he wants to fight so bad? I'll
but he is not over forty-five years old
and never fit fight. Those fellows
remind me of Judge Longstreet's story
about the fellow he heard fighting like
a wildcat in the wood. The Judge says
be thought there was riot going on
and somebody was being killed. So he
lit off his horse and ran out into the
bushes and found fellow down on
his all-fours tearing up the ground and
yelling and cursing like satan. "What
are you doing? What in the world is
the matter?" said the Judge. rs that
yaller jackets nest you are gouging
after?" The fellow got up and grinned
awhile and said: SWELL, stranger,
had little fuss yesterday with Jim
Stallings and ! was just practicin' to
see how 1 could have fout."
by opinion is that those belligerent
members are just practicing. Heard
a Teller in our town blowing and gas
ing about war, and he said he could
raise a company of 100 men here in
twenty-four hours. Well, he couldn't
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