Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-02-13
THE RICHMOND DisPATCH-sUNDAY. FEBRUARY Is. 1895.
HAVE HIM MUZZLED.
THE IDLER DESCRIBES A TROUBLE
SOME AND voRAC1oUs INFANT.
THB AWFUL WOMAN NTH MUSK.
Hon. Il. G. FoIy<es IL Candid II Not
Pntrfotfc-Discord at sixth Mt.
zfon Baptist Church-Nsw Hcnrse
I'm Town.

| We have had to muzzle Bakers Dozen
the baby OF our household. 1t was abso-
| lutely unavoidable. There was no getting
out of IT, for death and destruction would
have followed any other course. This in
FAINT, by the way. Is the brightest child
that ever made night hideous. and every
| day we marvel at his precocity. He has
| Just begun to crawl. and now. after the
manner of torpid roachbug. he goeth
forth into all parts OF our mansion and
J explores the inmost recesses OF our abode
| 1t was only some weeks ago that ne
abandoned tactical diet, and since that
time his craving for solid food oan only
be likened to the appetite OF an ostrich.
All is grist for his mill. and his one idea
in life Is to Ill up his arched interior.
In his perigrinations over the floor he
finds thousands OF dainty morsels, and
with his chubby prehensile hands he
] scoops up varied and bloodcurdling
menu. His sense OF touch IS something
extraordinary, while his sense Of dis
| cernment exceeds all human records. II
| there be but one pin in the house. and
| of Bakers Dozen will detect the same.
| and In an instant his hands have convey
ed 1t to his infantile throttle. In fact,
there is nothing he Graves so much as
pins and shoe-buttons. and to his mind
these articles form the most delicious
repasts. Turn him loose, and I'm an in
slant he has one or the other in his hands
en- route to his Unsuitable gullet. BY way
Of variety, he also eats other things
which are regarded as most indigestble
by epicures. The tobacco flakes from my
Pipe are invariably captured by him and
directed towards tho bottomless pit, as
are also the burnt matches and the bread
crumbs. How he finds them is a mys-
terry; but find them he does. His con-
duct necessitates a constant surveillance
on our parts, for otherwise he would soon
be pulled up after the manner of Har-
lem goat.
II was for these reasons that we fourd
IL necessary TO take decisive action-to
close up the orifce that constantly de-
manded supplies and reckoned not the
consequences. In this hour of agony and
suspense the ommander-in-Chiefs great
head came to the rescue. II have t."
she exclaimed, land knowing full well
that she generally got what she wanted.
/ agreed with her, although 1 didn't ex-
actly realize just what 1t was she had.
Get the baseball mask" she said, in
that mandatory style from which there
Is no appeal. or course, l found this
article in the parlor. along with the
white mice. the puppy. and the other
Juvenile treasures which the children had
deposited there in open defiance OF Cen
eral orders No. 925. Humby bearing the
baseball mask to the lord of our manor,
| meekly questioned as to it's future uses,
and received the monosyllabic response,
Baby" And thereupon the crawling,
creeping, cormorant was captured and
his physiognomy inserted behind the
wires. The leather strap was fasten-
ed, and our presidential possibility
doomed up before the world as If ready
to capture hot curves from a southpaw
pitcher. Now let him try 10 eat pins"
quoth the mistress OF the manse, with
arms akimbo and a self-satisfled air on
her face. Bakers Dozen" realized that
he had been outwitted. and that the pro-
gress OF pins and buttons into his gullet
had been arrested. He knew that he was
powerless to continue his predatory ex-
petitions, so he did the next best thing
with his mouth-to-wit. howled. And
the next day, when he had gotten used
TO the facial encumbrance, he learned
TO stick his tongue through the wires,
and In a moment OF idleness he licked
the upper-crust from my box OF backing.
His appetite now beats its hampered
spirit against the bars OF the baseball
mask like an imprisoned bird in its cage
There are some things at which I draw
the MEETINGS which arouse my resent
ment and cause me to balk and paw the
ground. 1t is not often that / indicate
my presence on the map, nor do champ
my bit or back my ears at trivial occur
rences. Neither do l rip and snort and
kick up my hind-legs without mighty
good excuse; but when see a woman
or rather smell a woman-with musk on
her person, then look out for trouble!
The odor OF this aromatic and aristo-
cratic stuff has the same effect on me
that red rag produces upon a bull. We
can't stay in the same town together,
II can l get the musk out and IL / can
not, l leave myself. 1 have stood UNI
abashed In the presence of cabbage-soup:
L have approached within five feet or
Limburger cheese-nay, more; have in
hailed assafoetida and walked on the
same side Of the street with gentleman
goat; but never have 1 felt any trotherly
love for the woman with musk. Blessed
be the warning she gives when five
blocks off, for were she to cross my path
would precipitate an unexpected Sc
rles Of funerals In her immediate
iamily' or cause coroners Jury
the utmost trouble in sitting on her re-
mains-that is, providing 1t were posi-
BILE for any one to sit on remains satu-
rated with musk.
The perfume to which l allude is like
po'-white blood-a little Of II goes a long
ways, and it's hard to shake II of. In
fact, there Is no shaking 1t off, for It
sticks like sheep-burr. and is a continual
menace to the peace OF the community.
There's no use trying to dilute it, or to
conceal it so that the smell Will merely
suggest the article without letting you
know that you are in it's presence. It's
like murder-it will out and what is
more, 1t takes up all the room 1t can get. |
You have got TO give it a wide berth. or |
1t will crowd you out. No musk for lie,
ladies', il you please.
Hon. Elben c. Folkes, our aggressive |
delegate from Richmond, IS a man after
my own heart. / knew him at college,
when we were law-stndents together, and
when our time was principally engaged
In studying those parts Of the text books
from which we thought the examination
questions would be selected When not
engaged in chewing tobacco Elben was
a very witty man. which is a polite way
)f saying that he seldom found opportu-
nifty to be witty. Since he has been IN
the Legislature he wears good clothes
and smokes cigars; but this doesn't keep
lim from calling a spade spade. He