Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-07-03
A GHOSTLY URCHIN.
VISIONS or THE IpLER In HIs
WICKED PuERILE DAYS.
HE WOULD LIKE TO BIZ 4 BOY HoH.
The Love Men Have for Photograph
ers and Tintype Pictures--So1diers
Always Want Something when
They Write Home from Camp.

Sometimes out Of the seething heat OF
these drowsy, droning. summer days
there comes back to me, from the misty
past OF the long ago. visions OF an urcnin
with patchwork pants and q NANCY toe.
that was sorely lacerated by repeated
stumpings. Sometimes. too, when / see
happy children rejoicing in their freedom
from school and buoyant in their lack OF
responsibility, there fits before me boy
who was always hungry and ever ready
to eat and be filed. This boy Is the
ghost OF my raw-boned self, the spectre
OF day that is gone, and the shade OF
a holy terror to a law-abiGing communi-
ty. He is freckled and perspiring. wrlg-
gly and squirmy, and has a leather di-
gestioD and an exaggerated reverence
for policemen. No green apples or GU
cumbers and buttermilk can cause him TO
lose sleep, but when he dreams OF cats
he is restless and uneasy. and frequently
essays to rise and find stone. And this
youngster, rising spookllke before my
vision, is forever flogety ana energetic,
especially when his elders would fain
have rest, and suffers no quietIs. Were
he to know that you wished stiffness
above all other things, and that the
slightest noise would make you pugna-
cious, he would al least venture a giggle.
or some mysteriousy irritating noise
with his mouth. In truth he finds beau-
tude in whatever adds to the misery OF
his fellow-creatures. and Is fruitful in
the invention of meanness He is every
where he is not wanted, and nowhere
when no might be useful. He is at his
worst in the presence of strangers, and
never at his best for the adjective good
can in nowise be applied to him. He Is
public nuisance and doesn't give con-
tinental, save that he wouldn't be good
If he could, and couldn't IL he would. He
is happy, happy, happy. and irreverent
towards all creatures but policemen.
These he venerates and respects. He can
never look on one with a guiltless con-
science or recall an hour of his waking
moments when he has not done some
thing bad.
Such is the urchin for whom / have
exchanged my identity. and never does
his hallowed memory or ghostly form
come back without leaving a touch of
pain and longing that is agony. OH TO
be that horrible, freckled-face little imp.
despised and threatened by everybody,
just for one Of these long, weary sum-
mers. when the schools are closed and
city folk send their children to the coun-
try and rejoice in their brutal subterfuge.
OH 10 stick the five toes on each of my
feet In the COOL squshy mud, AMI once
moro squirt some of 1t on my little linen
knickerbockers. oh! to have pockets full
Of gimcracks and a gravel-shooter, and
to smell like stable and be obnoxious
m wi n D,tT
1t can never be so again in this world.
/ must grin and bear my immutable con-
dltion, even as / do when / swallow a
bone at the table and do not wish my
guests TO know that I've got it IN the
neck
So the next best thing is to have boys
of your own-good healthy mean boys
and TO preach exemplary behavior 10
them, and TO constantly remind the young
scamps that you were your mothers Joy
In childhood. You can state this fact
with perfect veracity, for the meaner a
lad is the more of A. JOY he is TO his
mother. II you don't believe this. recall
the case of the boy who lives across the
street from you. Tell the brats. whose
fear of a spanking impels them to give re-
spectful attention to your remarks that
you used to feel sad when vacation com
menced; that you generally studied in the
summer when you were not assisting your
father on the farm, and that at all times
you entertained the most profound re-
spect for your school-teacher. Swear that
you never accused your instructors of par
TALLY towards the good little children
who always knew their lessons. You
might intimate. by the way, that you
happened to be one of these good children
yourself. for while you are lying, you
should do It thoroughly. Harp on the
importance of cleanliness among small
boys. and explain the shock which people
experience when they see urchins with
dirty hands and faces. Advocate the
wearing of shoes at all times, and lead
your hearers TO believe that you always
kept your boots BACKED. Tell your fiend-
ish little listeners that you never tor
tured cats or stuck pins IN fiies-yea,
make yourself out TO have been d regu-
lar blessing to the community.
And why do all these deceitful things
which almost bear the stamp of falsity
on their face? DO you think your boys
will believe you? They may. or they
may not, but at any rate the knowledge
OF the fact that you want them TO be-
have themselves will make them rejoice
but the more in disobeying your orders.
The effects of your prohibition will be
delicious. When you forbid the disagreed
BILE little scamps to do a certain thing,
that thing they will assuredly do. and in
the doing of it they. will find tho greatest
pleasure. Your arguments in behalf of
moral rectitude will make sin sweeter
than honey TO their souls. and cause them
TO exult and be glad in their wickedness.
In other words, your boys are going 10
be just as mean and pestlferous as you
were, and you needn't think you can re-
form them. Naught but time can chlsel
away their cussedness or mould them into
decency. You needn't try to hurry up the
process or TO bulldoZe the youngsters into
early piety You cannot do it. and you
are blooming idiot TO make the attempt
. When | think over it all / feel
that / would give my horny right hind
TO be a lad again. But it can never be
in this world. and in the next there Is ne
hope, for whoever heard Of a small-boy
angel?
II II weren't for the fact that women
have an exclusive monopoly on vanity.
I would be inclined to think that men
were crowding them pretty closely along
this line. Every time l pass a pho
tOgrapher's ] become more and more I'M
pressed with the petty conceits OF my
own superior sex. In some instances i
observe that the same individual has
had his picture taken In half dozen
different ways. The average youth
thinks that there is nothing more over
stunning than a photo OF
himself In a dress suit. To his mind
this costume is simply irresistible and
well calculated 10 attract universal ad-
And then the bicycle crank
realizes that he must pose before the