The true northerner., 1898-01-12


upward of 1000 private pension bills
introduced. but not more than 100 of
them will he passed. That means 1900
or more will he disappointed. II will
be almost impossible TO secure the pass
aGe of private pension bills during the
present session of congress. The dis
position OF congressman. generally. is
against hasty pension legislation. Be
sides. the condition OF the treasury
makes congressman feel that they must
go slow in all kinds of appropriations.
do not say this is right; merely men
tion the fact"
Should the senate call upon the sec
retary of state for United States con-
sular reports from Cuba il is likely they
would be made public so far as they
show the condition OF suffering in Cuba.
These consular reports have been care
fully kept from the pubic for several
reasons. but chief Of these is that they
show a failure OF Spains plan of auton-
0my i'm the island and the administra-
tion does not care To do anything TO
embarrass or appear to PREJUDICE the
efforts of Spain Assistant Secretary
Day knows from the consular reports
how extreme is the need OF the Cubans.
One of Mason's stories.
Senator Mason OF Illinois is regarded
as the best story-teler in the north
wing of the Capitol. He was regarded
as the wittiest man in congress when
he was member of the house of rep
resentatives. In the senate cloakroom
he today entertained a coterie of states
men with a brilliant repertoire of new
ones. concluding with the following
southern scene.
A traveller landed at a wayside tav-
ern I'm Texas early one morning. and,
after sitting around without discover
ing any signs of breakfast until an ap-
petite like a mustard plaster began
gnawing. he walked up to the landlord.
who was behind the counter bent near
ly double over a newspaper. in which
he was tracing the lines of a thrilling
romance with his forefnger as he
puffed away at an old cob pipe.
What time do you have breakfast" ?"
ne said.
The landlord groaned. but did not
look up. The traveller raised his voice
a notch or two and repeated:
when do you have breakfast"
Heb" said the landlord. with his
lace still buried in the newspaper.
When DO you nave breakfast
Most every day"
''Is this one of the unlucky days?'
"Heh?"
Are you going to have breakfast to-
day."
II reckon moren like we will"
How soon do you suppose it will be
ready"
Il don't suppose nothin' about it,"
whats the reason you DON'T"
"Coz | don't know
when do you generally have it,"
when the coffee biles."
HAS the fire been started yet"
al don't know nothin about it,"
whats the reason you don't?"
Didn't Care Cuss.
"Coz | don't care a cuss."
see here. old man, amt you the
landlord"
II reckon mebbe | am
well. then. I'd like to have you tell
me who's running this tavern"
The old man raised his head, gave
the stranger look that made his flesh
creep. and said
"Wen. sometimes the niggers runs 1t;
sometimes the old woman gives it a
whirl: sometimes the cussed thing sort
er wobbles along for itself, and then
agin sometimes | give it hist myself,
and every once and awhile some Ian
! tern -jawed. knock-kneed son of a tiger
| like you comes along and wants to try
| his hand at making il spin, but about
| the time he gets to shootin' his mouth
too free he takes a notion to go out to
! the horse trough and soak his head,
and after that he's alluz meek enough
! TO mind his own business for a spell.
! What i'm the name of Tom Scott do you
want. anyhow? Can't you keep your
coat on till / strike the end of this yere
piece? | want to find out what the
! blazes they're going TO do with that
! old pirate I've been worryin' about for
| the last two months, now that they've
ketched him at last. You're not ridin'
on the keers now. so what's the use of
bein in sweat?"
| Just then darkey stepped into the
! back yard and began pounding a joint
| of a stove pipe with a broken broom
handle
Does that mean breakfast" in
! quired the stranger in a humble voice.
"I shouldn't wonder burned Bit" re-
turned the landlord as he plunged into
his paper.
His Wifes Age.
The last census of the United States
| developed many amusing incidents. One
of the agents in Detroit made a report
in which he embodied an interview with
a man on Fort street, who answered all
questions promptly until the age of his
wife was asked
Cant tell" responded the husband.
Cant tell?" echoed the questioner.
why? Don't you know
"Of course 1 do
Then you must tell me. The law
says you must"
THE law? What lawT
1.-THE law Of the state
What will they do with me IL don't t
tell?"
Put you In Jail for contempt"
"All right; put me in Jail"
"Why. man." exclaimed the aston
ished official, you won't go to Jail and
suffer rather than tell your wifes age.
will you?"
well, yes he said, resignedly, "Ive
never been in Jail, and on one occasion
1 did tell my wife's age"
Congressman Fletcher of Minneapolis
tried TO be funny recently at the ex-
pense of your correspondent. but some
thing happened. and he is wondering
TO this day what made people laugh