The Press., 1898-08-11
Chicago Journal.) ..# MIR. DOoLEY IN DOUBT ABOUT THE PHILIPPINES.


 "I know what I'd do if I was Mack" said Mir. Hennessy. "Pd hist flag over th' ph'lippeens an I'd take in tn whole lot iv them"
 An yet" said MT. Dooley, "tis not more thin two months since ye larned whether they were islands or canned goods. Ye'er back yard is so small that ye'er COW can't turn r-round without but tin tn woodshed of tn premises, an ye wudden't go out to tn stock yards without takin' out a policy on ye'er life. Suppose ye was standin' at tn corner iv State sthreet an Archey r-road, wud ye know what car to take to tn Ph'lippeens? If ye'er son Packy was to task ye where tn Ph'lippeens is cud ye give him amy good idea whether they was in Rooshia or jus wist iv tn thracks?"
 "Mebbe cudden't," said MT. Hennes- sey. haughtily, "but I'n fr takin' thim in anyhow"
 "So might be-" said MT. Dooley, eff I cud on'y get me mind on it. Wan iv tn worst things about this here war is tn way it's maxim puzzles rr our poor, tired heads. Whin wint into 1t thought all I'd have to do was to set up here behind th' bar with a good tin-cent see-gar in me an toss dinnymit bombs into tn hated city iv Havana. But look at me now. Tn war Is still goin' on an livery night whin Pm countin. up tn cash Pm askin' mesilf will annex Cubia or lave it to tn Cubians? Will take Porter Ricky or put it by? An what shud do with tn Ph'lippeens? Oh, what shud l do with thim I can't annex them because don't know where they ar-re. I can't let go iv thim because some one else'll take thim if I do. They are eight thOusan' iv thim islands with a population iv wan hundred millyon Laked savages, an me bedrooms crowded now with me an tn bed. How can take thim in an how on earth am I goin' to cover tn nakedness iv thim sav- ages with me wan shoot iv clothes? An yit 'twould break me heart to think iv givin' people I never see or heerd tell iv back to other people I don't know. An If don't take thim Schwartzmeister down tn street, that has half me thrade already, will grab thim sure.
 "It aint that Pm afraid iv not doin' tn Fright thing in tn end, Hinnissy. Some mornin' Tll wake up an, know jus what to do, an that Pn do. But 'tis tn annoy ance iv the manetime. Eve been re-read- in about tn country. 'Tis over beyant ye'er left shoulder whin ye'er facin' east. Jus throw ye'er thumb back an ye have it as ac'rate as amy man in town. 'Tis farther thin Boohlgarya an not so far as Blewchoochoo. It's near China an it's not so near, an if a man was to bore a we'll through firm Goshen, Indianny, he might sthrike it, an thin again he might not. It's a poverty-sthrfcken country, full iv goold an precious sthones, where th' people can pick dinner off tn threes an ar-re starvin' because they have no stepladders. Tn inhabitants Is mostly naggurs an Chinymen, peaceful, indus thrus an 'law-abidin,' but savage an blood thirsty in their methods. They wear no clothes except what the have on, an each woman has five husbands an each man has five wives. Tn r-rest goes into tn discard, tn same as here. Tn islands has been owned be Spain since before tn fire, an she's threated thim 80 well they're now up in a-arms again her except ma jority iv thim which is thruly lowal. Tn natives seldom fight. but whin they get of annfhor fhaH r T11nalY Whin a man r-runs-a-muck some times they hang him an sometimes they dis charge him an hire a new motorman. Tn women ar-re beautiful, with languish- in black eyes, an they smoke see-gars, but ar-re hurried an incomplete in their dhress. see pitcher iv wan tn other day with nawthing' on her but a basket iv cocoanuts an a hoop-skirt. They're no prudes. We import iuke, hemp, cigar wrappers, sugar an fairy tales from tn Ph'lippeens, an export six-inch shells an tn like. Iv late tn Ph'lippeens has awaked to tn fact that they're behind tn times, an has received much American ammunition in their midst. They say tn Spanyards is all tore up about it.
 "I Earned all this firm tn pa-apers, an' I know 'tis sthraight. An yet, Hinnissy, I dinnow what to do about th' Philip poems. An Pm all alone in tn wurruld. Iv-rybody else has made up his mind. Ye ask amy ycon-ducthor on Ar-rchy r-road an, he'll tell ye. Ye can find out firm tn pa apers, an if ye really want to know, all ye have to do is to ask 8 prominent citizen who can mow all tn lawn he owns with safety razor. But I don't know"
 "Hang on to thim." said Mir. Hennessy, stoutly. "What we've got we must hold"
 "Well," said MT. Dooley, eff I was Mack I'd Fave it to George. I'd say George, I'd say, if ye'er fir hangin' on, hang on it Is. If ye say Pave go I dhrop thim.' Twas George won thim with tn shells. an tn uuestion's up to him"