The Ketchum keystone. [volume] (Ketchum, Idaho) 1885-1899, 1898-02-19
TOO MANY COLONIES.
North Dakota u Being OveE1un
with Them.
Like the Festive 0rasahoppee. Ehsy Null
tiply aAd swarm Over the
0tato-No PYivAtoe Are
- ARong Thom.

Colonels are getting to be nearly "a
great nuisance as the Russian cactus,
says the Fargo Argus. They are null
tiplying and increasing with danger
Gus rapidity. You can scarcely throw
a,stone at dog without running the
risk of accidentally hitting . colonel
Colonels in multi, which may be broad
cloth or corduroy, in stable frocks or
barkeepers' aprons, taking orders for
books or rubber stamps or selling pat
ent medicines or plasters, are as COM
mon as straight whisky in Kentucky
or as new theories of government in
populist mass-meeting. It was once
proposed to raise regiment composed
entirely of colonels. The troubles now
adays would be not to get the regiment,
but to select from enough applicants for
an army corps. Fargo alone could prob
ably furnish more colonels than there
are in the active list Of the army-and
some of Fargo's colonels are men who
really have served in the army, which
distinguishes them from the colonels
of most communities. The captain"
the ."jedge' and the ''major" are not
I'd NC uCu t1OACO ia 141O 00AAO u0y "ASAA
the colonels. These old relics Of south
ern barrooms are vastly in the minor
ity, and the day Of the colonels is at
hand --~s~S
Like the lilies of Egypt they throng;
like the grasshoppers Of Missouri they
congregate. From every station in
life, from every profession, OF every
age and condition, there are colonels
to the right and left, colonels ad lib
itum and ad nauseam. From whence
this great aggregation Of colonelistic
talent? Where have been bred the
eagles that have swooped down and
roasted upon all these shoulders? Some
of them were infants in arms when the
late war closed, some Of them were
manipulators of hotel registers and
concocters OF the tittilating cocktail
while the war ragged, and some have
been tenders of equestrian. .steeds since
they have been high enough to reach q
stirrup. How come these to be dubbed
| ''colonel?'
Faithful and persistent inquiry
among the colonels themselves throws
little light upon the subject. Some
cannot claim anything better than
that their wives people kept hotel
where the soldiers boarded. They do
not claim, even, that they themselves
kept the hotels. There would seem to
be shadow of reason why the ma
jestic creature, in q clean, starched
shirt and Alaskan diamond pin, look
ing complacentiy to heaven as he
balances toothpick with his lips and
thrusts penholder at a guest, should
be called by high-sounding military
title, but TO dub man colonel only be-
cause his father-in-law's brother kept
q boarding house seems to be strain
ing a point. Another colonel. when
askeu as to his command, hemmed q
little, put on q frown, supposed to be
fierce, pulled his shirt collar little
higher, and replied that he had for
gotten the number of his regiment.
ssIt was SO long ago, you know, and
have always had bad head for fig
ures." Another explained that hav-
,ng formed partnership with a major,
who was q junior in concern, it be-
came necessary, as a matter OF dlsci-
pline to the help, that he should rank
his partner. The fact remains, how
ever, that the colonels are overrunning
the earth and consuming the substance
thereof. Privates are as scarce as the
teeth of hens. Most unmilitary people
think that corporal is the higher OH
Ger, and whoever hears of . sergeant?
There is q general impression abroad
that q colonel has something to do
with horses between far
rier and veterinary surgeon-and the
real coionels, the few who really bore
Uncle Sans commission as such, are
without honor in the country where
mock colonels constitute majority OF
the male population over the age OF
twenty. Ia So t