Republican news item. [volume] (Laport, Pa.) 1896-19??, 1898-12-08
coffin and a first class country

''Stop that, professor, will yon?"
''And your wife does not look well
in that new wagon, so you take your
hired man aud neighbours girls to
meeting. Your wife never goes any
where, 30 you do not get her watch
like your own, nor a new silk dress,
nor pony that she can drive, nor
basket phaeton that she could climb
into without ladder. She never goes
out. She has to work in the kitchen,
SO she gets no nice shoes like yours. "
"Confound my skin if don't"
''When you know, and know, that
if your wife had chance to rest, and
had nice clothes like other women,
she would be one of the best looking
women OF her age in town."
81 swan believe it,"
"And, as old as she is, if you were
to get out the carriage next Sunday
and drive around with the colts and
tell her you wanted her to go to meet
ing with you, she would actually blush
with pleasure.
'Blamed if don't do it,
'Then, Monday, if you were to tell
her You were going to hire girl, and
that she must sit in the sitting-room
by the new nickle plated coal stove
and work on that new silk dress you
are going to buy her"
Professor, that's me-
'..AAd then hand her nice wallet,
with steel clasps and with five nice
new twenty dollar notes in it, and tell
her to do her own trading after this,
because you have got tired looking
after so much money"
"I will, as sure as you live"
"And then, when the tear starts in
her eye, and the same old blush
comes out that you thought so nice
when you went on that teeter to
Albany, if you would kiss her,
''It's all right, professor.
'Then, my friend, I should begin
to think she had made something by
marrying rich man."
you're right, old man.
'"Then 1 think you wouldn't have
a miserable wife any longer. Then
You would no longer want to sell or
rent the farm, but would be showing
the mother of your children how much
you respected her for her life of devo-
tion. Then she would know she was
a partner in that thirty thousand.
Then if You made your will all right,
and she had good rest, 1 think she
would some time be an eligible
widow"
''Think SO, professor?"
"Yes, know. Women pity you
because you are tied to such sorry
looking wife. Foolish old maids and
silly girls whisper behind your back
what nice looking man you are, and
what stick of wife you have, and
you are just soft enough to wear tight
boots and oil what little hair you have
left on top of your head, and go
around figuring up how long before
your wife will die"
'Say, now, professor, there is a
limit to endurance. am going"
81 am coming down to see you next
week. Will it be all right?"
eyes, if you drop this kind of talk,
and won't tell of my complaints about
my wife. I'll try your medicine,
Would You stick for that prescription
about the pocketbook and twenty
dollar notes?"
"How much did you say you have
made together?"
81 cave. The dress will be all right,
and the pony aud phaeton will be
handy for the gals. Come down and
see us, old man, but not word about
this talk. If you wasn't an old man,
I'd
Tipping the derby back on his head
and shaking the wrinkles out of his
tight trousers, he puts his hands into
his pockets and sauntered away.
''There," said l, sis one man who
has taken the only legal aud God
given way of getting rid of miser-
able wife"