Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-01-23


poems. Truly, the man needed nine
teenth-century editor to hold him down.
Behind the monarchs back citizens
abused Nero for all he was worth In
that respect the old Romans were very
much like us folk nowadays. One old
gentleman made the following comments,
which, though not permissible for parlor
discussion, may serve their purpose here:
"As to verses, they have disguised me,
since Nero is writing an epic. Yitelius,
when he wishes to relieve himself, uses
ivory fingers to thrust down his throat;
others serve themselves with fiamingo
feathers stepped in olive-oil or In a de-
coction Of wild thyme. l read Nero's
poetry, and the result Is immediate.
Straightway I am able to praise 1t, If not
with a clear conscience, at least with "a
clear stomach
Remember, dear reader, that In those
days people ate ad nauseam. When the
imperial monstrosity got in poetic
humor he would shut himself up for days;
but when he emerged he always had
roll of manuscript under his arm. His
productions would be submitted TO his
fiatterers, who were wont to have spas
modic commissions of admiration. On one
occasion, when this worthy Caesar had
read an extract from his TrOyad TO a
circle of his mendacious friends, a cum
ming courtier had the audacity to say,
Common verses, fit for the fire." The
hearts of those present stopped beating
from terror, and it looked nightly like
somebody was going to be sorry he spoke.
what defect dost thou find in themY'
said the indignant monkey, who was
struggling violently in an effort to sup
It, nd IL MOI cd
vanity. The courtier, who, by the way,
is the finest character in the book. re-
piled: Thou hast asked what defect there
is in thy verses. II thou desire truth,
will tell thee. Thy verses would be
worthy of Virgil, of Ovid, even of Homer,
but they are not worthy of thee. Thou
art not free to write such. The conhagra-
ton described by thee does not blaze
enough; thy fire Is not hot enough.
Listen not TO Lucan's batteries. Had he
written those verses l should acknowledge
him a genius, but thy case is different.
And knowest thou why? Thou art greater
than they From him who is gifted of
the gods as thou art, more IS demanded
But thou art slothful-thou wouldst
rather sleep after dinner than sit 10
wrinkles. Thou canst create work such
!. as the world has not heard of TO this day;
hence, l tell thee TO thy eyes, write bet
ter"
Nero was powerfully tickled by this
artful and cunningly-devised fiattery, and
swallowed every morsel of the bait. He
apologized for his defects and expressed
regret that he had not made the cOnfla-
grafton of Troy hot enough. He modestly
added that he Thought it sufficient 20
equal Homer, and that a certain timidity
and low estimate of his power had ever
fettered him" He further added that
his descriptions lacked the requisite accu-
racy, because he had never seen burning
city.
After that little episode Nero often
scratched his head in thought and kept
realizing that he wished TO see a burning
city. IL would be a fine inspiration for
his epic. He even limited his desires TO
his associates, and one kind friend Offer
ed 10 build him wooden town and fire
1t. Nero rejected this offer; he had an
other scheme In view. He fairly itched TO
see Rome In a blaze. The long and short
Of ii was that the Eternal City was
finally set afre for his qualification.
There was a hot time in town that night.
In fact thera were hot times for several
days and nights thereafter. The confa-
grafton was terrific. 1t was the worst
roast the city had ever gotten. Thousands
persisted in the flames millions Of dollars
worth of property were destroyed, muir
der. rape, and riot everywhere prevailed.
The regal chump. on whom the RESPONSE
bility OF the whole trouble rested, was
away from the city when the flames first
commenced their awful meal, but during
that period he carefully rehearsed some
dramatic remarks and gestures, which he
sprung on the public when he finally ar
rived. On reaching the suburbs he ex-
claimed, with an assumed agony OF
expression, "Houseless ruler of q
houseless people, where shall l lay my
unfortunate head for the night?"
Then he took his golden lutte and
treated the homeless multitude TO an
other OF his songs-a grandiose AFFAIR, IN
which he alluded TO the NEST OF his
fathers. o, dear cradle" He was. 80
moved by the beauty of his own compo-
sition that tears-doubtless OF the croco-
die order-trickled down his face.
In those good. olden times there were no
insurance companies. and the Taxpayers
and freeholders of every ward and prs
cinct In the city were red-hot about the
scurvy trick that Nero had served them.
They determined that somebody had 10
suffer? Mass-meetings were held on al
most every corner. and the populace MUIR
INJURED and muttered, and were mad-yea.
even so mad as the free-silverites were
with Marcus Hannas Things began 10
look squaIiy for Nero. and he regretted
that accident insurance policies had not
been invented. He saw that the people
wanted gore. but he had none OF that ar
ticie which he cared TO spare He sug-
gested 60 one kind friend that he Cthe
friend. not HIMSELF should be sacrificed
to safe the peoples ire-that this friend
should take all the blame on himself.