The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1898-05-25
HUMOR OE The DAY.


New Wife-''Have you tried m,
biscuits, dear" New Husband
eyes; they're guilty. Detroit Free
Press.
''The only trouble with my profes'
sion," said an ex-convict, sis that tits
apt to be rather a confining one."-
Harpers Bazaar.
Friend-"Bu if there's no hope oI
saving him, what are you going to per.
form the operation for?" Doctor
"S300. ."-Standard.
Hope never deserts man. When
he is young he hopes to be famous,
and when he is old he hopes to escape
the poor r-house.-Puck.
Mrs. Brown latter shopping)-"Mrs.
Smith manages to get such bargains
and so many of theml" Brown-"Oh,
well, I suppose money is no object
with her. Puck.
Papa-"Why, mol I haven't any
hard feelings toward any of my old
school teachers" George-"What
long time it must be, papa, since you
went to school"-Puck.
Briggs--"What did she say when
she rejected you?" Griggs-"She
said it wasn't necessarily due to lack
of merit, but on account of the great
pressure of other material. Life.
'Have you heard of that scheme OF
an Ohio man? He wants the United
States war vessels made of rubber"
"It wouldn't work. You could blow
up rubber ship with an air pump. -
Chicago Tribune.
Bing-"Yes, that's old Spriggings
Half doctors have given him up at
various times during his life" Wing
-"What was the trouble with him?"
Bing wouldn't pay his bills
Boston Traveller.
"We English" said the intelligent
foreigner, "do not run for office; we
stand for it," "And here" said the
bright American, ''the man runs for
office if the people will stand for it."
Indianapolis Journal.
Mrs. Higgins-"What wretched
taste that Mrs. Wilkes hasr' Mr..
Higgins-"Yes, l met her downstairs
this afternoon and she was wearing
that ugly old S25 hat you thought you
wanted. Chicago News.
Mr.. Millyuns (briskly)-''Want my
daughter, eh? Well, how much are
you worth? Money talks, you know"
Bob Hardup (cheerfully)-"Yes; 1
know; but I'd be willing to let her do
most of the talking. Puck.
Burglar Bill Ito his cell-mate) $50
you're musician, are ye, an got sent
here fer stealin' pianny? Well, ye
won't do much musical practicin' in
dis place, I'll bet" Newcomer-"Oh,
I don't know. If l get hold of a file
I'll probably try few bars. Judge.
"She is very frigid in her manner"
remarked Willie Washington. per
haps," was the reply, "but she has
heart of gold" $50 I have been in
formed. But [ am tired of trying to
cross a conversational Chilkoot Pass
in order to reach Washington
Star
"There is no doubt of this mans
being an experienced aud conservative
journalist" remarked the city editor.
"How do you know?" "In writingof
fire he says, The holocaust, when
the rafters fell with dull, sickening
thuds, beggared description. Wash.
ington Star
"When this town was organized"
said the early settler of the little wes-
tern town, ''I was elected mayor by
majority of only one vote" Pretty
close shave" said tho newcomer.
ooh, tollable. But there was only
five votes in the town then. "--Cincin.
natl Enquirer.
''I wish," said the young man, "that
you would be less formal, and call me
by my first name" ''I'd rather not"
replied his fair companion, "your last
name suits me-" A few minutes later
they were discussing the merits of the
different firms that supply furniture
upon the nstallment plan. .-Philadel-
phla Bulletin.
Miss Oldgold-'Before I give you
my answer, count, tell me one thing
When my freshness of youth is gone
and the hand of time has dimmed what
ever beauty 1 possessed, when advanc
ing years cause my cheeks to fade and
my charms to vanish--tell me, count
will you love me then?" The Count
"I do. "-Standard.
"Clara," said the mother of a littl'
five-year- old miss, who was entertain
ing a couple of neighboring girls Of
her own age, "why don't you play
something instead of sitting still and
looking miserable?" why, mamma,
we is playin'," was the reply; yves
playin' that we's grown-up womens.
Montreal Herald.
Returned Tourist-"By the way,
Mrs. De Beauti, have not seen your
charming daughter since my return
When | left she had determined to
submit her first novel to the Heighton
Magazine. Has she been successful
in her literary aspirationsg" Mrs. DE
Beauti -"She married the editor. -
New York Weekly.