The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1898-09-12
CHOICE COLLECTION OF EPIGRANS
Character Acted an Epigram in the Grande Duchesse
Good Examples. $50

Globe-Democrat: Poor Fritz in the
Grande Duchesse acted an epigram, says
Chambers Magazine, when he took to the
trade of teaching in order TO learn some
thing. Sydney Smith once said that
clergymen might be divided into three
classes: Nimrods. ramrods and fishing
rods. 1t was not a bad epigram; but il
/ has been beaten by an American. who.
with special reference to the Erie line.
said that railroads are built upon three
gauges: Broad gauge. narrow gauge and
mortgage. The antithesis to an epigram
/ is an euphemlsm which hides disagree
able fact in a cloud of words.
Here is a somewhat ilI-natured epigram:
If q twin
A Greek will at the breast begin
! To rob his sister of her ere
OF mothers milk with smiling air,
And less because he finds il sweet
Than from the deep instinct to cheat.
Let us return to the witticisms of sgd
ney Smith. THE whole story OF my ne
he says, = has been passed like a razor
in hot water or a ScrGpc. mere is the
same difference between his tongue and
mine as between the minute and the hour
hand; one goes u times - -est and the
other signifies u tunes as mucn. MY
house is iust now full of cousins. They
are all first cousins, and l wish them
once removed 1.-The church's ordinances
of feasts and fasts are tolerably well Kept
up. The rich keep the feasts and the poor
the fasts." If you masthead a sailor Tor
not doing his duty. WHY should you not
weathercoek a parishi:oner Tor not p es,ng
which l don't wish to have at my feet.
Mr.. J. Outram, on hearing q lady praise
a certain reverend doctors eyes, eX-
claimed:
I cannot praise the doctors eyes;
l never saw his glance divine.
He always shuts them when he prays'
And when he breaches he shuts mine.
Mr.. Austin Dobson is always dainty:
You shared me. Rose, with ribbons,
Your rose-mouth made me thraH.
Brief. bfiefer far than Gibbons
Was my Decline and Fan.
Mr.. Shirley Brooks puts the following in
the mouth of Jenner on hearing in Ely
SUM that complaints nat been made OF
his having a statue in Trafalgar square:
England. ingratitude still blots
The escutcheon of the brave and free;
l saved you many million spots.
AND now you grudge one spot TO me-
At some country house. whore a dramat-
ic piece founded on ''IvaEhoe' was 10 be
performed. Lord Alvanley was requested
to play the part of Isaac of York lie de-
clined. saying: Il never could do Jew in
my life" Theodore Hook was dining at
Powell's one day. says II f. Chorley, in
his Life and Letters" and the talk fell
upon feu Jack Reeve Yes" said Hook.
when they were speaking Of his funeral,
Il met him in his private box going to
the pit" Once more Thomas Hood-this
time on the art unions:
That picture-rafTle viii conduce to nourish
Design or cause good co-oTing To flourish,
Admits of logic-choppng and wise-saw-
ing;
But surely lotteries encourage drawing?
One from the Greek:
A viper bit a Cappadocians hide;
But twas the viper. nOi the nan, that
died.
Oliver Goldsmith has the same idea in
his 'Elegy on the Death OF Mad Dog
The wound it seemed both sore and sad
To every Christian eye
And while they swOre the doc was mad,
They swore the man wOu.1 lie.
But soon wonder camo to light,
That showed the TOsUes they lied:
The man recovered OF the btte,
The dog it was that died.
Concerning socialism. Sir William Leng
paraphrases Ebenezer Elliott:
What is a Communist? One who has
yearningS
For equal division of unequal earnings:
ldler. or bungler or both, he Is wiling
TO fork out MS penny and-pOcket your
shilling.
Bushe. the Irish chief baron, made this
impromptu- verse upon two agitators who
HAD refused to fight duels, one on ac-
count of his affection Tor his wife, ana
the other because OF his love for his
daughter:
Two heroes of Erin. abhorent of slaught-
Improved on the Hebrew command
One honoreG his wife, and the other his
That ms days might be long in the land.
James Smith again obhges us:
TO this nights masquerade, quoth
BY pleasure 1 am beckonee:
And think twoulG be a pleasant trick
To go as Charles the Second.
Tom felt for repartee athirst,
And thus to Richard said:
You better go as CharleS the First,
For that requires no head.
The same author responds to our encore
with these lines:
To Flavia's shrine two suitors run
And WOO the fair at once;
needy IorUune-nunter one,
AND one a wealthy ounce.
How. thus twin-courted, she'll behave
Depends upon this rule
If sne's fool she II Wed the knaVe,
And if a knaVe the fool.
The prospects always fine = the pros
pectus, is me episrammatic reflection or
J. r. Planche.
Mortimer Collins is dron at the expense
of Charles Darwin in the following:
There was an ape in the days that were
earlier;
Centuries passed, and his hair became
curlier;
Centuries more gave a thumb to his
wrist
Then ne was man, and positivist.
A beautiful woman. who wore on her
bosom a miniature of her husband, very
ugly man. asked Thomas Moore, the Irish
poet what he thought Of it. I think,
said he, that ii is Ike the Saracen's
Head on Snow Hill Lord Brougham