The Mount Holly news. [volume] (Mount Holly, Burlington Co., N.J.) 1891-1942, 1898-11-15
THE PLASTERER.


Maria" observed Peter Grigwell to
his better half as he decapitated his
second egg-laid in Germany-at the
domestic breakfast table, ~ suppose
your strongly developed feminine pro-
clivities will not allow of your forego-
ing for once in way the delirious de-
lights of thorough spring cleaning?' Z"
IF, Peter, in plain English, you
mean that you wish me to shirk my
duty as British housewife by neglect
ing to clear away twelvemonth's ac-
emulation of CRIME and cobwebs, you
suppose correctly, I" retorted Mrs. Orig
well in dry, matter of fact tone of
voice that ought to have silenced any
average man.
But Peter had become so acclimatized,
as 1t were, to his wife's very own style
of oratory that it had ceased to impress
him ever SO slightly.
Twelve months accumulation P' he
cried in well feigned establishment.
"Why, ! have always labored under the
impression that the house was kept
pretty clean week in and week outl''
Pretty clean, of course, returned
Mrs. Peter, with sniff and toss of her
head, "but the carpets are not taken up
weekly. But perhaps you have been SO
absorbed in the consideration of weight
Ter matters that you have failed to no
tice such detail as that" This was
said in Mrs. G. 8 most sarcastic vein,
but it only ELECTED a gruff ''Humphi"
from her husband, so she returned to
the charge with: f'Then look at the
ceilings. You cannot truthfully deny
that they require whitening, and badly
too
II suppose the process is inevitable, !"
observed Peter trifle YEARLY. "No
home complete without it, so to speak. "
II should think notl'' exclaimed the
lady in ringing voice of triumph.
"There is one thing / am fully de-
termined upon though" said Mr.. Orig
we'll calmly. "and that is am not go
ing to be mulcted to the same tune as
was last year. Dasher's bill was par
alyzer. A few more like it would com
pei me to undergo the process of white
washing myself. P"
"What do you intend to do then?'
asked Mrs. Grigwell in voice as hard
as the primest cut Of beefsteak.
II intend, answered Peter in a self
reliant tone, ito whitewash myself
Eyes, observed Mrs. G1igwell
sweetly-bitter sweetly, in fact-"but
who is going to whitewash the CELL
ings?''
Peter gave his wife a penetrating
glance, having a hazy notion that she
was trying to get at him, as the saying
goes, but as she bore his gimletlike
stare without flinohing he appeared
satisfied and said:
eyes, am determined to distemper
they call it that now in the biIl-the
ceilings entirely myself See?''
Mrs. Grigwell felt the situation to
be desperate indeed, but knowing from
experience gained in the past how ut
terly futile would any attempt be on
her part to reason with the self opinion
ated Peter, she determined to try the
effect of ridicule.
'Peter Grigwell, " she said in her
most whitening manner, "you will
surely never be quite such an idiot as
to attempt TO whitewash the ceilings of
this house?"
Madam, retorted Mr. GrigweIl
grimly, your remarks are in exceeding
ly bad taste and i'll become the wife of
a farseeing husband whose sole intent
is the welfare Of his family and to pre-
serve them from being plundered by
rapacious distempering demons.
"You will find that your silly fad
will cost you dear in the end, " retorted
Mrs. Grigwell, with a derisive laugh.
"Boshl'' said Peter holly. THAT'S
just the way-but, there, what's the
use Of arguing with woman? Lemme
see, today is Wednesday, shall make
start with this room tomorrow at 10
sharp. You hear, Maria, at 10 o'clock. y
Peter spent the remainder of the fore
noon in getting together all the old
newspapers in the house, and with the
aid of large lobster tin full of paste,
brush and pair of garden shears he
fashioned from several of the broad
sheets mysterious looking things bear
ing a weird resemblance to Unfortunately
roomy trousers and an expansive coat
with balloonlike sleeves.
Next morning Peter was up in good
time and set about mixing his white
wash in a zinc bucket, SO as to be in
readiness for his work as soon as break
fast was out Of the way. By 1G o'clock
the course was clear for Peter to COM
mence his wrestle with the distemper
business. He, with calm politeness, re-
quested that he might be left alone, as
he required no assistance and the whole
thing would be done within an hour.
Mrs. Grigwell gave her husband pity
ing look, then silently left him to his
own devious devices
Then Peter set to work in desperate
earnest. With number of newspapers
he enshrouded the various articles of
furniture, then spread a further guam
tity all over the carpet. Next he pro-
ceeded to invest the walls with the or
der Of the paper collar, as one might
term ii All this done, Peter looked
around upon his handiwork smile Of
satisfaction meandering across his face
as he did so.
"Who said it was impossible to white
wash ceiling without spelling every
thing in the room?" he soliloquized
"I'll show 'em how it's DONE.
The self satisfied Peter then proceeded
to conceal his own rotund form with
the mysterious paper combinations pre-
viously mentioned. Certainly his APP
pearance was more that of circus clown
than of a respectable ratepaying citi.
zen, especially when he concluded his
toilet by placing on his massive (some
called it fat) Uranium paper cap of the
orthodox sugar loaf shape SO much af-
feoted by grotesSues of the sawdust
However. there was nobody present to
see him. So what did it matter?
Up the handy pain Of steps sprang
Peter, bucket and brush in hand, and
without unnecessary delay he made dash
No. i at the ceiling-which, by the
way, he had forgotten should have first
been water washed-with the brush
HedNlly CuarSeu Will bHe peduei1S ing
mixture. The result was not quite as
the amateur distemper could have wish
ed. A far greater percentage of the
whiting descended in thick shower on
Peters paper dittoes than went on to
the ceiling, to say nothing of sundry big
splashes dropping upon various parts Of
his upturned face, causing him to sneeze
so violently as to very nearly lose his
balance and topple off the steps igno-
miniously to the floor.
After ten minutes wild dabbing and
splashing Peter thought he might as
well assist exhausted nature by blowing
the fragrant weed during work, just as
though he were real British workman
So he came down from his perch, found
his beloved brier. charged it with some