Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-08-07
THE REVENUE LAW MAKES A GOOD
WOMAN VERY ANGRY.
THE IDLER MUCH HARASSED.
He II Taxed to Death md Doesn't
Know When He Will Land I'm
Prison-When Not Worried He
Drinks Mud.

out LOT CuDd- Al leaSl, lheSe ObSldSic9'
| together with the protests from the great
| performer on our Domestic sewing ma
chine were the main things that held
| me in check, though upon reflection /
found other difficulties too numerous to
mention. l was red-hot for pushing the
| war. and wore a cravat made from
| United States 1ag. But since this war
revenue tax dropped in on US. have
| joined a universal peace society. and think
the way our soldiers have been doing Is
| positively brutal They ought TO be
! ashamed of themselves. The Bible says:
Love one another"
1t never occurred to me that they were
| going TO make me help 10 pay for that
| bareback and those government mules
and the salaries of colored captains. and
all those expensive things they've been
buying. Why! they are shooting proJec-
tiles that cost 81. 500 apiece. It's case OF
a bung-hole, a match, zip, boom, and
away goes more money than could make
In twelve months
"Only a puff OF smoke.
Only a cough;
Only town in atoms
Four miles or"
And Sampson and Dewey and Schley
and those other fellows, who have poetry
written about them, don't bother any
more about such little incidentals than
we boys used TO do about the peas We
shot in our bean-shooters. They handle
these expensive tid-bits like they were
huckleberries, and frequently blaze away
on dull days just to let people know they
are living. You can bet your bottom dol
lar that If there were few female COM
modores and rear-admirals on our vessels
things wouldn't go on in this extravagant
way. They wouldn't even commence
fight until they had nosed around and
bought the latest remnants in cannon
balls, and if they were the right sort OF
females they'd be mighty apt TO make
some kind of an anti-Spanish hash out
Of the stray bits of shells and shot that
dropped into their neighborhood. Women
wouldn't allow any waste. you can count
on that. They are naturally pugnacious
anyhow. 1 know several spinsters who
are open to engagements. II they'd had
half a chance they would have made
things so lively for the Queen Of Spain
that before she was through with this
little exchange OF 1900 capsules she would
have been glad TO have secured job as
public-schoo teacher or typewriter girl.
But the nasty men have got il In charge,
and they're not botherng about the eX-
pense of the thing. Money is no object 10
them. They would feed greenbacks 10 a
billygoat if they thought it would make
things lively or hurry up matters. It's
a way they have: you can't get them to
worry about trivialities. They leave some
body else to do that.
But somebody has got TO worry about
the dollars and cents, and so also some
body has got to pay the fiddler when
you dance. In this particular case some
body has got to buy the war-Tevenue
stamps, too, and it looks as If the whole
responsibility of this job has been placed
on my shoulders. For the last week I've
been looking for a place in the atmos-
phere on which to hang a stamp. / sup
pose there's a tax on the air you breathe,
and the government officials threaten TO
do so much prosecuting if you overlook
any of these little duties that I'm not
going to be caught mapping. / wish TO do
my duty. but the trouble is, there's so
much duty. I've licked mucilage until
L could stick my tongue against the in
side of our parlor and pull off all the
wallpaper. i have a licking apparatus
like an ant-eater. Yet, day and night,
4 nOIleuldllIy expecting W NC diltEltu
and sent to the penitentiary because I've |
violated the law. I've studied the mea-
sure for forty days and forty nights 0he |
same length of time it took TO swamp the 4
EARTH, but there's still so much TO know |
about it--to-wit., so many hitherto I'M |
known things which require a stamp. |
Every day there's new decision publish |
ed by the government officials, and every |
decision discovers something else which |
comes within the scope of the tax. Being |
consistent Presbyterian, of the blue |
hosiery school, l wish to do my duty by |
the law. but / am as man pursued by |
remorse. Oft in the Silly night l awake |
from troubled dreams with a start. and |
the grim spectre. Conscience, is pointing |
its awful finger at me. A terrible voice
in stentorian tones, thunders forth: you
are a felon; you have violated the sacred |
laws of your native land and prison-bars /
await you. To-day you failed to place a
1-cent~ stamp on the telegram you sent
collect" Yesterday you did not pay the
documentary tax on the deed of trust you /
gave on your baby-carriage. Week be-
fore last you sent a 98-cent check TO your
grocer. but the instrument was unstamp-
ed. You are no better than a moon
sinner, and not as good as a counterfeiter.
Your sons pa is criminal, and you are
your sons pa. ana roll ana toss ana
tumble and writhe and wrigge and
squirm in my bed Once when explained
TO the sharer of my nothing the awful
causes of my nervousness and insomnia,
she became very wrathful, and got up |
and stamped her feet. This was an awful
tax on me.
We've stopped using sticking plaster
on the children nowadays. If little Mar
maduke chips q souvenir out of Grover
with the Ratchet the former got Christ
mas. we quietfS close up the gap with a
revenue stamp. If Bakers Dozen. in his
Dug-like movements over the floor, hap
pens to run afoul a splinter. we simply
'emoye the foreign matter, lay it aside
'or kindling-wood, and stop up the chinks
With one of the mucilaged engravings.
We've got pictures of war-vessels in every
,olor of the rainbow. though I'm doing
Ill l can to secure the presidency of a
peace society our neighbors
iaVe organized.
A gentleman across the street from
is has got a nice little new baby. With
his little new baby came an alternate.
10 that in case anything happened to
he original. he would have a duplicate.
some people call the combination twins.