The Van Buren press., 1898-05-14
SEVEN AGES OF MAN.
Arp Says Shakespeare Didn't Di-
vide Them Up Right.
One of Them Should Have Been the
Garden AEGEAN old Man with
Good Intentions, but Bad
Judgment.

There is no rest for the wicked ana
not much for an old man with good in
tentions, but bad judgment. Some
years ago my wife complained about
the vermin that was devouring her
choicest plants in the flower pit, and SO
to surprise her | put some sulphur IN
an old pan and set it on fire in the pit
| had read about that remedy some
where and concluded to try it, Well,
it did kill all the vermin, and all the
plants, too. | felt so bad about it that
l departed those coasts for day or
two. She never chided me nor uttered
d mournful note and | never mentioned
flowers or sulphur or went about the
pit for several days. Unbeknown to
her | duplicated the bill from Atlanta
and brought out beautiful lot of pref
ty things on the wagon and kept them
hid out until she went visiting next day,
and then | arranged them all nicely in
the pots in the pit so as to surprise her
when she came home. Well, it was
surprise and made everything calm and
serene. | was Illuminating about this
yesterday, for she had called my atten-
tion to some lice or animalculae or bac-
terra or vermin of some sort that was
preying on the rose buds and stems and
the young chrysanthemum plants in
the flower garden, and she wondered
what would destroy them. Somebody
told her, she said, that whale oil was
very effeetual remedy. And so | went
to town and bought a bottle of whale
oil, which is the most odoriferous COM
pound of yillainous smells that ever Of
Tended nostrils. Thinks |, this will kill
them sure, and it did, and like the sui
phur, it killed everything put it on.
| wanted to surprise her. | am very
fond of surprising her with pleasant
surprises. This morning | took the
scissors and cut off every withered
and damaged bud and branch and hid
the bottle, and she hasn't discovered
the loss as yet, but she mentioned again
that | must get her some whale oil soap
and make a solution of it and sprinkle
the plants with it. 81 thought you
said whale oil would kill them," said |.
mo, | said whale oil soap. Why, the
raw oil will kill everything it touches.
1t is as bad as yitriol or the fumes of
burning sulphur" said she, and she
smiled one of her smiles at me- What
a misfortune it is to be deaf in one ear
and can't hear well out Of the other. OF
course she said whale oil soap, but |
didn't hear the soap at all. The other
morning | was dressing little grand
child and got her dress on wrong side
| before, and she said, in sympathetic
tone of voice: Grandpa, you haven't
| got very much sense, have youY' l
began to think she is right; l am blum
dering about something all the time.
| Wore my wife's spectacles down town
yesterday. Hers are gold and mine
are steel, and she says it is very strange
| couldn't see the difference. But the
| family still lets me work the garden
and cultivate the flowers and nurse the
grandchildren, and that suits me. |
wish didn't have anything else to do.
| Shakespeare said that man had seven
ages, and | reckon he has, but | don't
think he divided them up right. He
should have left out the justice, for
| there are but few of therl-not enough
to make a class or to illustrate an age.
| Then his sixth age, which ought to fit
men of my years, does not fit me, for |
have no lean and sllppered pantaloons
nor pouch ON side, nor have | saved my
youthful stockings, nor is my sham
shrunk, nor is my big, manly voice
turned to childish treble, nor does -
whistle in its sound. Even his seventh
age does not fit the ma )rity of man
kind who have passed their three score
and ten or their four score years-wfth
most of them their mental faculties are
not mere oblivion. This is a SANDER ON
Gladstone and most of his juniors. He
| is correct in his diagnosis of the fourth
age of the soldier-jealous in honor
sudden and quick in quarrel. That fits
the iingoes now who want a war with
| Spain. | wonder if that member from
Louisiana has really resigned his seat
in congress because he wants to fight so
bad? I'll bet he is not over As years old
and never fit fight. Those fellows re-
mind me of Judge Longstreet's story
about the fellow he heard fighting like
a wildcat in the wood. The judge says
he thought there was riot going on
and somebody was being killed. So
he lit off his horse and ran out into the
bushes and found a fellow down on his
all-fours tearing up the ground and
yelling and cursing like Satan. What
are you doing? What in the world is
the matter?" said the judge. us that
a yaller jackets nest you are gouging
after?" The fellow got up and grinned
awhile and said: "Well, stranger, | had
a little fuss yesterday with Jim Stall
ings and was just practicin' to see how
| could have fout."
Ny opinion is that those belligerent
members are just practicing. Heard a
TELLER in our town blowing and gassing
about war and he said he could raise a
company of 100 men here in "a hours.
Well. he couldn't do it. There are not
more than 50 vagabonds in this town.
Nobody here wants to fight under Gen.
Miles-the man who put manaeles on
! jefferson Davis when he didn't have TO.
A late issue of the New York Herald has
a picture of Miles putting the chains
ON Mr.. Davis and another one where he
is fighting Indians. and eulogizes him
for his military deeds and says he
should be promoted to the rank of lieu
tenant general. We will not fight I'M
der him.
| But let that 60. What is the use of