The evening times., 1898-10-08
CURRENT HUMOR.

"Whiteley is dangerously i'll with typhoid"
That 50? What regiment was he with 2''-Phila-
delphia North American.
''Our bird club had to disband'' what for?"
The president took up all the time when we
met bragging about her parrot. Chicago Rec
ord
Il can't understand Claudia ''Why not?''
''Shc always is much intimate with de-
sirahIe people than they are with her.'-Chicago
Record.
'T'm glad you married Uncle George. Aunt
Jane ''Why?' "'Cause if you'd kept on being
school teacher I'd have been in your class next
year. Truth.
Boarder-ReaIly, mad'r,. l cam wipe myself
dry with such small towel. Landlady-Very
well, I'll tell the chambermaid TO bring you less
water.-Fliegende BaetteT.
What is a secret, Aunt Nan?' "a secret
we'll, secret is something awfully interesting
that nobody has told anvbcdy, but that
everybody knows.-Detroit Free Press
Little Edna-I guess the Rockachaps haven't
been rich very long Little Winnie-Why? Littl,
Edna-They call the meal they eat at O'Clock
supper-New Orleans Times-DemosIat.
He-Hold on! we cannot sit on his bench. 1t
is freshly painted. Shelf you really in
love- YOU say you are, you would never have
noticed the paint.-Fliegende Blaetter.
First Little Girl-H'm, We've got water in
every room in our house. Second Dtto-WhAt
an awful house to live in, We've get water only
in the cellar in our house. ard | know that's bat
enough.-Boston Transcript.
Deacon Pewser-Don't soe you at church Of la.e,
Mr. Noddie Noddie-No; the fact is it costs me
much for tickets to socals and entertainments
that I've made up my mind III have to save my
soul in some other way if I want to keep my body
alive few years loagcr.-Boston Transcript.
Don't YOU think said the pensve girl. s'that
people make mistakes by acting on generous i'm
pulses2'' Yes" answered the smcoth-shavea
man. Il acted on generous impulses for nearly
two months once Now, ii don't get paid on
salary day don't act.''-Detroit Free Press.
Pawnbroker-well. my son, what can l do for
you? Youthful CuStCmer-My father tcld me TO
come here and offer you S25 for gold watch, and
raise it to $50 if | couldn't get il for less
Pawnbroker-My young friend haven't any gold
watches for s25, but I've got some for $50 that
are worth hundred Youthful Customer-lm
glad of that, because was to offer you $35 if
couldn't get one for $50. Let me see them please
(Pawnbroker retires behind the big safe for
moment to kick himself )-Chicago Reco.d.
Newspapers. scandalous, hypccritieal alb
surd scurrilous. indecent. defamatory, unfair,
bloodsucking, mendacious. mean, low, cowardy,
purchaseable, slanderous, foul, backbiting. insti
tuition conducted for the sole purposes of har-
assng Secretaries of War; and exposing their al
legged frailties. Should not be permitted 10
ist A grave peril to the privileges OF office
holders. and a menace to honorable men like my
elf.'-FrOm II. H. Anger iOEiHCoHilfiS ulctlCH-
ary of the English language.-Pawtucket Times,
Rep.
81 see you have taken down your flag. Wins
by" eyes. ! took it down soon as the
protocol was signed. l intended to keep it up
until the actual declaration of peace, and would
do 50 yet if it were not for the meanness Of that
man Chadwick across the way" What has he
to do with it?'' ''He didn't up any flag
when the war broke out, but he used to come to
his front door every day and glance up at mine.
] took satisfaction in that until | found out he
merely wanted to see which way the wind blew.
He hadn't patriotism enough, darn him, to put
up flag of his own, and used mine as a weather
cock ki"-Chicago Tribune
"Most resourcefpl man ever knew I'm what
way?'' "WeIl ne wants to borrow five
ten once in while, and as he is slow pay,
although fairly certain, it got to be something
of nuisance. and l got in the habit Of telling
him | didn't have any spare cash in my pocket,
1t worked all right at first, but, just began to
think everything was lovely, he walked in one
day and said Say. old man, l want to send
little money away in a letter. Gimme a check
for ten for this $40 bill OF course, l drew the
check and handed it TO him, but Just as / was
about to put his $40 bill in my pocket he sudden
" exclaimed: by the way, old man; that leaves
me strapped. Loan me ten. will your Yes, sir;
when it comes to resourceful men I'll back him
against the world. Chicago Post.