The times., 1898-10-08
CURRENT HUNOR.


The easiest way TO take the conceit out Of IN
amateur IS u induce him TO become a pro fas-
sioual-Br0oklyn Life
Te1cheT-What IS the meaning Of 'arclfmltedl''
PUpil-That Is when people have malaria 50 f5uz
that they don't mind il any more--Puck.
''Pa, what is a schemes'' Il can't define it.
my SON; but it IS samething that viii ia'I throua
quicker than anything else N earth Puck
She was a church member, and So she wouldn't
make root beer on SATURDAY. besausa IL would
have to work on the sabbath-Philsdelphia
Record.
Willie (who has eaten his piece Of cake As fast
as possible)-I say. Ethel, lets play msnlgerie.
I'll play monkey and You feed me with your cake
Chicago News
81 don't think much of kindergsrtens. can
teach my little bOy 70 read al home YES;
but in kindeTgarteRs they teach children % be-
have Chicago Record
Hopkins ought to go into the army ssWhy2-'
Hes so brave. He borrowed my wheel and rode
il all summer. ard now be has brought me in i
bill for repairs Brooklyn STANDARD Unicn
''You ought, like US, to have holidays in hono-
OF your great men said the Russian bzauty.
But IN the American year. said the maj1r.
there are only 365 dlys- Nashville Am -ric n
Little Harry-Pa. why do they call them stump
speakers2 Pa-WeIl, I guess its becaue 90 many
OF them are stumped when yoU ask them 20 ex-
plain where they got their fgures--CIeveland
Leader
81 see they are going 10 play golf on sunday in
Chicago" ''Welll' 1T doesn't m quite right
to give up Sunday to ordinary Sports why.
bless your heart, golf isn't sport. Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
The Invalid thought Robinson would drop in
l wonder he hasn't called TO Sc me. His Friend
Well, I'll tell you what l think Mrs. Robin
son probably won't let him sit Up with any nor.
sick friends--Puck.
''Bobbie, how many sisters has your new school
tellow:" He has one, mamma. tie tried to
stuff me up by SAYING he had two halisisters; bt;t
he dOsen't know that ! study fractions. Book
lyn STANDARD Union
s'WeIl. sir. she sold me her gran,ifa,her's clock
and then came and paid So extra to get It blcs
again" '-As matter of sentiment ''She Slid
so; but she sold it 10 another man Tor SO more
Detroit Free Press
''If should go to The bad place" she said 4
s'pose my doll would melt" 1T surely
would,' replied the elder. who thought the-e was
chance to impress a lesson upon her. '-Well.
she returned with a sigh. Il guess I'll have TO be
good, then-''-Chicago Eeyenng Post.
''It seems to me- said the Spaniard ''that we
should be considering plans for getting i new
navy. coed navy Is the strong right arm Of
nation. Il differ from you" replied the span
iSh statesman. eff Spain had possessed no navy
at all might have continued the war indeh-
nitely''-Truth-
Victims Father-You told me before the opera
tiOn that il was sure 10 result in wonderful
good Surgeon-Well, il has. ] shall know bet
ter now than TO ever try a similar experiment on
anybody else, and | have written article on
IL for medical journal. Think of the good il
has done for science--C ChicagO News.
They had exhausted the common topics Of con
versation while waiting for their luncheon and
they sat in silence while It was being placed
the table When the little woman with the
shrill voice saw that her friend had ordered to-
matoes she felt impelled 10 speak I'm glad
don't like tomatoes" Her friend locked across
the table at her with a surprised '.why?' Be
cause" said the little woman with the shrill
voice. ''if did I'd eat a lot Of them-and | hate
them" Then she lapsed again into silence
Chicago Chronicle.