Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1898-05-08
NO SERVICE FOR HIM.
THE IDLER WILL NOT be Allow
ED TO FIGHT SPAIN.
But he HEARS MUCH ON THE SUBJECT
His superintendent of Pie Manufac-
ture Forbids His Enlistfng-Com-
ments on j. Gordon COogler, the
Great south Carolina Poet.

SOme<yedrs ago. WHEN inoney was 40
scarce at my house as tue famous hens
teeth, about which we hear so much, 1
was forced to go to the Worlds Fair just
to keep people from talking to me about
the exposition. Every man who went TO
Chicago made It a point to hunt me up
and pour the hackneyed story of his ad-
ventures into my unwilling but helpless
ears. And now II looks as II l must go
to Cuba. not in defence OF my country.
but in self-defence. The subject OF war
and enlisting has gotten to be an eternai
nightmare that haunts me whithersoever
direct my tiny footsteps. There Is no
escape from the evil People six blocks
off wildly call me to them, and then,
when with tongue hanging out OF my
mouth 1 ask their business, they enquire
IL I've Joined the military. On the
street-cars I can always count upon find
ing an acquaintance who will loosely
seek to know II I've gotten my gun or
kissed the baby good-by. In fact, most
everybody tries to be funny about the
war. and IL we were compelled TO recruit
entirely from folk who consider them
selves humorists I believe the Union
could make a splendid showing, and
then, too, nobody would regret their
deaths In case they were killed in battle.
And SO, in tender consideration OF all
these difficulties. 1 recently made up my
mind that when the tocsin sounded and
the big bass drum doomed up our pa
triotism I should be one OF those to
march away and bleed for this great
hunk of dirt we call our country. The
determination was only reached, how
ever, after / had read many statistics
on the subject of mortality In battle. and
had been informed that for every man
killed at least seven pounds Of lead are
shot away. l fully convinced myself
that It would be the other fellow who
would get hurt. and that in his last
hours l would be intensely sympathetic
to him and would willingly carry back a
bushel of messages to his poor old mo-
Their. | likewise pictured some narrow
escapes / would have and the splendid
material for drugstore "reminiscences that
Il
musings declined to see myself wounded
and lying fiat Of my back, with my socks
showing and ants crawling over my
pallid face. 1t was the other fellow who
always appeared in this fix-the fellow
who can count on my sympathy and
trust. me to deliver all messages and
tokens to weeping relatives. Had L
imagined for an instant that L would be
a victim OF the seven pounds Of lead
above alluded to you may rest assured
that history would never have had the
slightest chance of making my acquaint-
ance.
The good lady who superintends the
manufacture of pies at my house, and
who Cbehind her back has heretofore
been known as the Commander-in-Ch
takes very little interest in war. She
has battles OF her own to fight, and right
we'll does she do her duty, too. This Is
the season at which the baby laid aside
his long dresses, and consequently the
supply Of short ones handed down by his
fraternal predecessors had to be patched
up and otherwise fitted for service. Con-
sequently, when the commandments
finished her work she had no time Tor
newspaper reading, save the death no.
tees and advertisements. And so, when
l decided to enlist, L quite overlooked
her, nor did l stop TO think what she
would say on the subject. Just about the
time 1 had nearly gotten everything fixed
this awful obstacle suddenly presented
itself to my mind. What would she say?
or would she say anything? There are
times when her silence Is worse than
wordsl Suppose she tried sarcasm on
oh infDitQlU tha worst of
all-she tried tears.
When I reflected on the ordeal that
awaited me l became more and more
nervous, and 1 had that sneaky feeling
which I used 10 experience as boy when
I stood In the presence Of policeman
For days 1 postponed telling about my
proposed invasion OF the pearl OF the
Antilles. but all the time something kept
warning me that had better out with 1t,
One evening l determined to make the
break.
Now that the President has called for
troops I suppose I'll have to go to cuba
with the rest of the boys" L timidly re-
marked. with Brave attempt to appear
careless.
At first she pretended not to hear-al-
WAYS an ominous sign-and then she said
lightly:
whats that for?'
"Why, to fight the Spaniards, OF
course" said l. trying to look patriotic.
but already noting that the wind was
blowing the wrong way.
"And what have the Spanlards done to
us?" she next inquired.
1 couldn't exactly answer that ques-
tlon myself, but l said something about
+ added that nearly
ali OF the "boys" from Richmond were
going. I'm fact" 1 continued, there's
no getting out of it. When the Governor
and the President issue such d call, that
means business"
Then, with four ways OF the tongue
she demolished all my courage, swept
aside the mandates OF our highest OIL
ciAls. and asserted her sublime SUI
premacy by the simple but firm remark
You are not going"
| didn't need any further assurance OF
the fact that she was opposed TO the
scheme, but she followed up her asser-
ton with a few attacks upon my char
acter. you're a pretty looking thing
to go to Cuba, amt you? with VIE
and goodness knows how many children
Arranging around, and barely getting
enough to eat as 1t IS. Now, wouldn't
YOU cut a nice figure skylarking around
with soldier clothes on and trying to
shoot people. Why, L can't get you to
kill SO much as a cockroach here al
home. and last week when that mouse
ran up your pants you nearly mac
spasms. So you want TO hight, do YOU
Well. this Is sudden. During the last
war they never could get you or the
farm till the girls in the neighborhooo
sent you a hoopskirt, and the boys who
had come home with wounds nick-namec
you Miss Abagail' One thing Is Ger
tain-if you go TO war, I'm going witt
hoh nv al