The Press. (Stafford Springs, Conn.) 1883-1935, 1898-08-11
Chicago Journal)
MR.. DOOLEY IN DOUBT ABOUT
THE PHILIPPINES.

"I know what I'd do IL / was Mack. !"
said Mr.. Hennessy. Cpd hist flag over
tn ph'lippeens an I'd take in tn whole
lot iv them"
''An' yet," said Mr.. Dooley, "'tis not
more thin two months since ye larned
whether they were islands or canned
goods. Ye'er back yard is so small that
ye'er COW can't turn r-round without but
tin tn woodshed off tn premises, an ye
wudden't go out to tn stock yards without
takin' out policy on ye'er life. Suppose
ye was standin' at tn corner iv State
sthreet an Archey r-road, wud ye know
what car to take to tn Ph'lippeens If
ye'er son Packy was to task ye where tn
Philippians is cud ye give him amy good
idea whether they was in Rooshia or JUS
wist iv tn thracks ?''
"Mebbe l cudden't," said Mr.. Hennes-
sey. haughtily, "but Tn FIR takin' thin in
anyhow"
$50 might be-" said Mr.. Dooley, "if
l cud on'y get me mind on it. Wan iv
tn worst things about this here war is th'
way it's maxim puzzles fr our poor, tired
heads. Whin / wint into 1t | thought all
I'd have to do was to set up here behind
th' bar with a good tin-cent see-gar in me
an toss dinnymit bombs into tn hated
city iv Havana. But look at me now.
Th' war is still goin' on an livery night
whin Pm countin. up tn cash Pm askin'
mesilf will annex Cuba or lave it to tn
Cubians? viii take Porter Ricky or
put it by? An what shud l do with tn
Ph'lippeens? Oh, what shud l do with
thin / can't annex them because don't
know where they ar-re. l can't let go iv
thin because some one else'll take thin if
/ do. They are eight thousan' iv thin
islands with a population iv wan hundred
millyon Laked savages, an me bedrooms
crowded now with me an tn bed. How
can | take thin in an how on earth am |
goin' to cover tn nakedness iv thin saw
ages with me wan shoot iv clothes? An
yit 'twould break me heart to think iv
givin' people never see or heerd tell iv
back to other people l don't know. An
if don't take thin Schwartzmeister down
th' street, that has half me thrade already,
will grab thin sure.
cit aint that Pm afraid iv not doin' tn
fright thing in tn end, Hinnissy. Some
mornin' I'll wake up an, know JUS what
to do, an that Tll do But tits tn annoy
ance iv the manetime. I've been re-read-
in about tn country. IT'S over beyant
ye'er left shoulder whin ye'er facin' east.
JUS throw ye'er thumb back an ye have
it as ac'rate as amy man in town. 'Tis
farther thin Boohlgarya an not SO far as
Blewchoochoo. It's near China an it's
not SO near, an if a man was to bore a
might sthrike it, an thin again he might
not. It's a poverty y-sthricken counthry,
full iv goold an precious sthones, where
th' people can pick dinner off tn threes
an ar-re starvin' because they have no
stepladders. Th' inhabitants is mostly
naggurs an Chinymen, peaceful, indus
thrus an law-abidin,' but savage an blood
thirsty in their methods. They wear no
clothes except what the have on, an each
woman has five husbands an each man
has five wives. Th' r-rest goes into th'
discard, tn same as here Th' islands
has been owned be Spain since before tn
fire, an she's threated thin so well they're
now up in Alarms again her except a ma
iority iv thin which is thruly lowal. Th'
natives seldom fight. but whin they get
mad at wan another they r-run-a-muck.
Whin a man r-runs-a-muck some times
they hang him an sometimes they dis
charge him an hire a new motorman.
Th' women ar-re beautiful, with languish-
in black eyes, an they smoke see-gars,
but ar-re hurried an incomplete in their
dhress. see pitcher iv wan tn other
day with nawthing' on her but basket iv
cocoanuts an a hoop-skirt. They're no
prudes. We import juke, hemp, cigar
wrappers, sugar an fairy tales from tn
Ph'lippeens, an export six-inch shells an
tn like. " late tn Ph'iippeens has
awaked to tn fact that they're behind tn
times, an has received much American
ammunition in their midst They say tn
Spanyards is all tore up about it.
81 l'arned all this firm tn pa-apers, an
/ know tits sthraight. An yet, Hinnissy,
dinnow what to do about tn Philip
poems. An Pm all alone in tn wurruld.
Iv-rybody else has made up his mind Ye
ask amy conductor on Ar-rchy r-road an,
he'll tell ye. Ye can find out firm tn pa
apers, an if ye really want to know, all ye
have to do is to ask a prominent citizen
who can NOW all th' lawn he owns with a
safety razor. But don't know"
"Hang on to thim." said Mr.. Hennessy,
stoutly. 'What we've got we must hold. !"
"Well," said Mr.. Dooley, ''if was
Mack I'd Pave it to George. I'd say !:
George, I'd say, if yeer f'r hangin' on,
hang on it is. If ye say Pave go I dhrop
thim' Twas George won thin with tn
shells, an tn questions up to him."