The Topeka state journal., 1898-01-25
PIETY HILL HORNER.
he EXPLAINS HIS GRIEVANCES
AGAINST TIE TELEPHONE.

A Few Reasons Why He Wants the In
strument Removed From the Horner
Honse-TaIsen For Skating Rink, an
Undertaken and Opera House.
s'Is this ,oOOp' demanded Mr.. J. Hor-
ner of Piety Hill, where all unusual things
happen that don't find good location else
where.
Yes, replied mild telephone voice
''this is 1000. What can we do for you?'
"You may yank this telephone out of
my house just as soon as you can
Mr.. Horner filled in the blank space
with an expression entirely foreign to
Piety Hills vocabulary.
"Au right, sir, ." was the mild reply.
''I'll tell the manager"
''Why, I thought you were telling me
two weeks ago that the telephone was the
greatest invention of tho century," re-
marked Mrs. Horner's mother, who was
Mr.. Horner's mother-in-law.
81 didn't tell you any such thing. !
told you that a well managed telephone ex-
change might be made a medium for hu
man comfort and convenience second only
to tho feather bed. But am not respon
sible for any such utterance as you put il
my mouth"
''Why, James" interposed his wife
''what is the matter? The telephone Is
very handy for me to order my groceries
Besides, can call up Mrs. Screamer an
time of day now. We can t get along with
out it.
Frances, this is once that shall in
sist. That telephone must be removed
So, there, make the best of it
And Mr. Horner ran his fingers through
his hair and told his motber-in-law al
about it in manner that made her fee.
responsible for all the misadventures of tbs
phone.
ttVoy7 woman cit oro,pd tho [o,1co all
day and think it fun to answer the door
bell and the telephone and explain to som
fool that he has the wrong number. Bui
I'm too busy n man. think too much o.
personal comfort. Do you understand"
There was no reason to suppose that
Mrs HOrner's mother did not understand,
but she took advantage of the dramatic
pause in Mr.. Horner's speech to answe1
humbly that she apprehended.
Eyes. You don t remember, suppose.
that the telephone Is in my bedroom. l
went to bed last night early to get a good
rest before the arduous duties of today. /
had slept perhaps an hour when that bell
rang. OF course 1 had to get up.
will you send up five pounds of pork
chops for brenkfast?' inquired some worn
out boarding house voice.
-" Whom do you think you're talking
tor 1 demanded.
q Why, isn't this Sausage's meat mar
ASBG 6Dc tbSkGCJ VIII an uJuTOQ alE
''I didn't stop to tell her No went
back to bed, but didnt sleep until after -
O'Clock.
81 don't suppose that you remember
that dinner was interrupted today when
Elder Merci and his wife were here. Don't
recollect that I was just putting gravy on
the elders potatoes when that confounded
telephone bell went on a rampage. had
to drop everything and attend to it. And
what was it all about?
" 'HellOP said a masculine voice. why
in thunder don't you send down those
oats? If you want my trade, you
s. 4 don't want your trader I yelled
back at him. I'm no feed store
And I rang of.
''Possibly you don't recall that our
morning devotions were disturbed the 9th
er day by that Same ring. 1 answered it,
only to hear some one call me a blather-
skite. He thought he was talking to Law
yer Johns. 'sassed' him back, and now
my own brother won't speak to me.
Maybe you women have forgotten that
the furnace fire went cut Friday morning.
I haven't. was down on my knees blow
ing like a bellows trying to infuse life into
one remaining spark when that crazy
phone went wrong again. 1t was John
sons pet baby trying to use the thing.
johnson thought it was funny; let the
homely kid ring the bell and call up my
number. Then he had the nerve to ask
me if I didn t think the brat was cunning.
mo; I don't, was the reply he got.
He has about as much sense as his dad.
Utterly lost my self control. And nov
johnson not only won't speak, but de
clares to my attorney that he will foreclose
on our mortgage. So, if we are turned
out you women may lay it to the tele-
phone. Do you understands"
Mrs. Hornor's mother twisted around in
her easy chair and distinctly intinatcd
that she co1nprehended everything Horner
said.
'Now, to conclude" went on Horner,
once more running his fingers through his
hair, 'Eduring the two weeks we've had
this phone I've been compelled to deny
cusations of being a meat merchant, an
opera house, a skating rink, drug store,
an omnibus line, the weather bureau, and
once some fool asked me if I was an un-
dertaker. This is the conclusion of the
whole telephone matter" "
Mr.. Horner started for the door. He
stopped to ask:
"Do you understands"
Again Mrs. Horner's mother said she
did.-Detroit Free Press.