davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1898-12-07

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The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1898-12-07

MISS Wtg.ZrNSkI. opticlan. IL Cherry.
t*onsuitat en- free.
The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1898-12-07

N mat car. TIC Jarring noises In m,
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13
AN ENTHUsINB TIME.

About seven o'clock in the evening
the villagers began dropping into the
tavern, and when about thirty OF them
had come together they proceeded to
organize fire company. They had no
engine or other apparatus, but they or
ganized just the same, and when q
foreman had been elected there were
loud calls for speech and a demand
that he outline his policy.
Gentlemen" he began as he mount
ed q chair, 1T is needless to say that
this is the proudest moment of my life.
and that / would not exchange places
with the President of the United States
AS to my policy"
Eyes, give US your policy" was
shouted.
AS 10 my policy, / shall use every
endeavor to lower our taxes"
"Whoop! Whoop-eel" was yelled on
all sides.
Il shall go in for more railroads,
moro factories, higher wages, shorter
hours and cheaper -four and meat
"Whoope! Whoop!"
4 shall go further" continued tho
uewly-elected. 81 shall demand pro-
lection for home industry, and expan-
ElOH u lhS currency Nuh "a l1ttS libtA
adherence TO the principles OF economy
in all departments Of our government"
go in, Jim-go in was chorused.
Yes, / shall go IN, and ! shall per-
sonally see to it that the prestige OF
this government is maintained abroad.
] will see that we return to Jefferson
ian economies. pledge you my word
to ever stand by the Monroe doctrine.
and the foreign enemy who would in
wade our sacred shores must first walk
over my dead body"
Bully for you, old mani" was the
general cry.
And a word more" said the orator,
as he wiped the back Of his neck and
looked around. Il did not seek this
great honor, but as it has been thrust
upon me / win accept it and carry
America on from p0sterity 70 posterity
until gold piecs in the hands Of the
poor shall be a more common sight
than marbles In the hands Of children.
Arise, Shake off your lethargy! Behold
for the first time in your lives the
dawn of a nations freedom"
When the meeting had disbanded In
a blaze Of glory, i asked the village
cooper If he expected great results
from 1t.
DO /? Do u" he repeated. why,
YOU must be mighty thick-headed not
to see that we shall name and elect the
next President and have every blamed
Congressman under our thumb"
Copyright, 1873. by the Internatisnal Lit
crary and News Service
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13

hadn't gone forty feet before lost the
stirrups and was clineing to the pomcl.
Mr. .Muldoon didn't even look back to see
whether was coming or not. He had set
the pace and was headed for the Rocky
Mountains, and If I fell of that was my
lookout He must have heard me when
/ cried out in fear and pain--when l yell
ed ..Fire." and '.Police!' at the top of my
voice-when offered him one million dol
lars in cash to head for a soft spot on
which / could tumble, but he never drew
rein.
l have no idea how many thousand
miles we covered, but when we returned
to the house / was lying on the saddle
with my arms clasping the horses neck
and my span of life shortened by forty
years. Mr.. Muldoon had no pity, though.
Even though he realized that l had less
than an hour to live he hustled me up to
the gymnasium and commanded me to
pull on ropes and lift weights and swing
clubs around my head until one of the
clubs finally wandered around and fell
on my head with a smash and killed me
outright. AS my spirit seemed to be soar
ing away l thought Mr.. Muldoon ought
to be satisfied with his bloody work, and
wondered if he would be conscience
stricken as my body was borne out of the
house. didn't yet know the man. When
life came back again he ordered me to get
ready for lunch of veal outlets and boil
ed potatoes and raw onions. and he NUT
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13
THERE WAS A SLIP SOMEWHERE.

AS a newspaper man, / had been
through the Jail at Black Hill with the
Sheriff, and ne had introduced me to
Dan Needham, who was charged with
stage-robbing and killing. Dan didn't
look fierce enough, according TO my
way of thinking, for such a terrible
man as they made him out to be, but
there was proof sufficient to hang him.
We were sitting on the steps outside,
when body of about forty men rode
up AS the leader dismounted he said
to the Sheriff:
We'll, joe, you got Dan Needham in
here, haven't your"
Yes, had him three days." was the
reply.
We've come to hang him"
"Shoo. Why don't you give up to
the law?"
Better to hang him. Goin'to make
any fuss about it?'
Don't see how / can, but I'm agin
SIGH halgins. Thar's allus a chance
of a slip somewhar's, you know.
Hangin' the wrong man don't do no
good"
But this is the right man, joe Jest
hand over them keys and we won't dis
turb nIthin'"
Half dozen of us went in together
When the robber was brought out o.
his cell he looked about him and quiet
ly asked:
well, what you fellers WANT"
COIN to hang you." was the brief
reply.
Without any trial?"
Right of, now"
wall. reckon you WILL" said the
man, and he followed the crowd out
doors without another word He was
mounted on horse in front Of one of
the men. taken two miles out of town
and hung to limb. Some of the citi-
ems who went out came back ct the
end OF an hour and reported, adding
that the victim was perfectly coil and
made no protests. This was at eleven
o'clock in tina morning At three In fhA
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13

shoulders out of joint and fell on nv
head and dislocated my neck. When
l had recovered consciousness the man
was seated before me reading a news
paper as calmly as you please, and
when L asked what the doctor had
said about my case he ordered me Off
to bed and added that he had a
twenty years job on his hands. creDt
off to bed, and it didn't seem as if five
minutes had passed when opened nv
eyes to find the grey of dawn stealing
into the room. The grey of dawn and
Mr.. Muldoon We're there together, and
MI Muldoon brutally demanded to
know why | hadn't turned out half an
hour before. We had some converse
ton in the English language. and he
got the best Of it. In ordere to con-
vince me of this fact he hustled me
into a room constructed for a bath
room and a morgue combined The
ice water showered upon me stabbed
me to the heart hundred times over.
but my loud calls for help brought no
one, and Mr.. Muldoon almost had a
smile on his face as | sunk down in
a dying condition and wondered if
there would be a good turnout of
Knight TemplarS to the funeral.
wanted frogs legs on toast for break
fast had given my order. and was
about to add to it when Mr. Muldoon an
peared with beefsteak and potatoes and
eggs and set them before me with a warn
ing look. The advantage seemed to be
with him, and / concluded to live on for
a few hours longer. While finishing the
meal l decided to pass the afternoon with
the daily papers and a hammock and a
cfgar-two or three cigars. l had gone
out to enter upon my pleasant enterprise
when Mr.. Muldoon followed after to OBJ
serve that the horses would be around in
minute and we would take a Jog. l
out to inform him that | hadn't
backed horse for twenty years, and that
IT was necessary for me to keep posted
on political affairs but he stopped me
with wave of his hand and muttered
something In the Latin tongue, with
which am unfamiliar. We did not start
right of for Denver as soon as was in
the saddle On the contrary, Mr.. Null
1oon had to pull and haul on me. and or
der me to sit this and that way until
much valuable time had been consumed
and the tail Of the horse seemed to have
got where his nose ought 40 be- I demur-
red and protested ana renSRrked and OBJ
IerY1d. hut wns s1mply reated as
When We finally gol started Us.
- 81. 1nzty szlles ~ ]! 1 ~ ~
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13
BROTHER GARDNER
Some Observations and several Other
Things.


some Observations and Several other
Things.
When the sound of the triangle had
called the meeting to order, and the
lamps had been turned up to illuminate
Paradise Hall, Brother Gardner slowly
arose and said:
"Ize an ole man. lie bin hangin' on
to life ODER 70 long vars, and when
sit down of night to reflect an Won
der an recall, it pears to nae dat things
in dis life am purity badly mixed up,
and dat gineral humanity am to blame
fur de mix. l hey jotted down few
things which will be well fur you to
remember:
IAN ole hat in de road may conceal a
stone or it may not. Let somebody
else kick it and find out.
TOO much talk am like a spring
freshet in a creek. Oars heaps OF
water dar', but it doan do nobody any
good.
DE world sartinly owes every man
livin', but it doan specify whether
he am to hev sweet-cake or 1njun-
meal.
'Moas' any religion is good huff to
live by, but when it comes to reilgun
to die by dar's a great scramble fur
an AL brand.
IF it wasn't dat some men are de-
termined to be honest and upright IN
all DER dealin's, we should heV ieetle
need of pore-houses in cherry county in
de land. Dey ar de asylums of honest
men.
"Natur meant dat every Guild man
in dis kentry should hev possum to
eat, but she also fixed it so dat he
would hev to hustle to get his meat
at makes a heaps O. difference
whether yo' lose your wallet or find
somebody else's in de road. In de one
case honesty am de best policy; in de
odder yo' wait about TO- weeks to think
it ODER.
ut was not intended dat man should
take solid comfort. No sooner has de
cold weather killed off de 'skeeter dan
the coal men make combination an
riz de price till you hev to go to bed to
warm your feet"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13
NOT FIFTEEN TO BE FIFTEEN.

"And de perverseness of human ma
ture has been a lifelong puzzle to me-"
continued the old man as he wiped off
his spectacles and readjusted them.
Let us take the case of Samuel Shin
to begin on. Brudder Shin started out
fifteen years ago to BEGUN a poet. He
wanted to be known as de Guild Ten
nyson of America. and he is still
a-tryin'. Brudder Shin has put in
weeks and months an vars. How
many bottles of ink and sheets of pa
per he has used up no man kin guess.
He fggers up dat he has written bout
half millyon poems, and yit outer all
dis hard work his last poem makes
dog rhyme wild bob His wife has
had to take in washin' to pay de rent
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13
COIN TO MAKE ANY FUSS ABOUT IT?

pie want what they want in the theatrical
line, and will have nothing else. Man
ayers who was crowded houses and bar
rels of money will consult the taste OF
the public instead of their own conven-
fence. We want Shakespearean plays.
but we want them with variations.
Shakespeare probably never heard of
sand-jig or a clog dance, and none of his
heroines We're ever carried of by Indians.
but that was his misfortune instead of
being our fault. Hamlet can just as wen
be mixed up with a few fancy dances and
whoop-la songs as TO keep him in the
grave digging business all the evening,
and a boxing match between the two
Dromios would not hurt the play for any
other town. while tickling our people
most to death Uncle Toms Cabin has
always taken well when the managers
needed our fatherly advice. Uncle Tom
and Little Eva must be cut short and a
stage coach holdup dragged in to give
the boys a chance to enthuse. When the
lady of Lyons was here a year ago we
suggested that the heroine be captured
by Apaches and rescued by cowboys, and
the manager had the sense TO adopt the
idea. The result was a bag of dollars
which he could hardly lift into the stage.
The theatre is an educator of the people.
and Giiveadam Gulch is proud OF its snug
little hall and of the combinations which
travel this circuit, but the manager who
goes contrary to the idioms of our peo-
pie will meet with misfortune and have
only himself to blame.
Copyright, 1898, by the international Ldt-
crary and News Service.)
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13

fessional wrestler, and you were pres
ent at an exhibition and hoped tne
other fellow would win, you regret the
fact as you face him in his office and
pray that he never heard of it.
We'll" he said, after another look.
II cant say until you peel off. Peel"
removed my coat and vest and
stood before him in humble attituoe.
The first move he made was to place d
hand on either of my shoulders and
give me wrench that nearly dislo-
Gated my neck. Then he thumped ne
on the breast-bone-one of his gentlest
.aus~iA way to drive me back
against the wall with crash. Thea
he toyed with my ribs and looked up in
wonder as | sighed and groaned. AS d
last test he picked me up with one hand
and waved me through the air and
turned me over and over like a wheel
and smiled grimly as my shouts OF
"murder!" filled the room. He was
testing to find whether my spinal col
umn was plumb or out of true.
You can begin training" he said, as
he released his hold and dropped nc
into a chair.
When the chairs and the room and
Mr. Muidoon and the house and the
farm and the State of New
York had got through dane
ing around me l had be-
come a ledger and a pupil. 1t was quite
early in the day, and l expected the
first move would include prime cigar
and an hour in a hammock. | Was
disappointed, however.
We'll begin by a little STROLL" said
Mr.. Muldoon, and as he set off I fol-
lowed him.
My idea was that we were to wander
along the shady paths and watch for
humming birds and butterflies, and
pause now and then to listen to the
notes of the quails and robins, and I
had a suspicion that when we reached
some shady dell Mr.. Muldoon would
bid me sit down and tell him the story
of my life. But | was mistaken all
around, There was no strolling or
Wandering. Mr.. Muldoon began from
the very first to get over the earth at
the rate Of six miles an hour, and
when | would have fingered to Gull a
daisy. he yelled: Come along with
you" in voice which lifted my hat
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13
WANTED SOMETHING ELSE.

High up on the side Of Gray Mountain.
two miles from the highway. and with
never foot Of level ground around the
house. came upon a settlers cabin with
a bicycle leaning up against enc logs. IL
looked so out Of place that said TO the
old man:
Your son can't have much use for that
bicycle UP hers2"
Il bought it for myself NJ answered
"And where do you ride IT,
Nowhere"
You just got II IN trade. eh?"
'So. fir. paid 50 II cash fur that ma
sheen"
and didn't # occur 70 you that you
couldn't do any riding up hcre2"
MOT till after ia got II home Then
saw my mistake and knowed that I'd
bought the wrong kind. What I want up
here is a pair Of wings instead Of a bike.
and I'll trade that masheen in fur half
price"
Copyright, 1858. BY The international Lit
erary and News Ssrvtc&l
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13

tered to himself again in the Latin Ian
guage. 1 had only to glance at him to
know that he was mad and chagrined to
see that l had come back to life. For
moment I thought 1 would lick him out
of his boots. but after look L abandoned
the idea
After lunch I wanted to smoke and read
and make my will, but Mr. Muldoon had
other plans in view. He ordered me out
on the lawn to timber up. l was to do it
by a hop, step and a jump. I couldn't
please him, try my best, and when 1 fin
ally fell down and rolled among the
bushes he seized me and Topped and
banged me about until / thought the
earth and the heavens had come together.
L wanted three days in which to get my
breath back, but he wouldn't give me
three minutes. He said We must be off
on our afternoon stroll and had to fol-
low him. He kept to the path for about
half mile and then took to the fields.
He led the way, up hill and down-over
fences and through thickets-in and out
of the woods and over logs, and as l fol-
lowed him with rivers of perspiration
| running down my legs and tears in my
eyes l could think of only one object in
| living till night-to murder him in cold
| blood as he slept. We may have taken in
| Boston, Buffalo, Cleveland and Philadel-
| phia as we made the circle. But Mr.
Muldoon wouldn't even tell me the names
| of the States and cities as we passed
| through and l was too wretched and hope
I less to ask. 1 remember that we finally
got back home and that 1 was put in the
J hands of the rubber again, and he said
! fomething in a far-away voice about six
! b'eeks and 5000 miles. l wanted to die
/ Fat night. / felt that l was more inno-
{ CIT than l would he the next day. and
! ut it would be to my advantage, but
MIMuldon wouldn't permit it. He want
Gu save me for that old trotting horse
ahdor more circuits of the globe. and for
AuilAr contorion acts in the gymnasium
ana the lawn. He wouldn't let me die
next ny, nor the next, but savagely in
eiSteo hat L live on and even increase
my excise. l was hunbled, but not al
togethe crushed. 1 had spirit enough
leIt TO hotest; but as his replies were in
Laun' Railways succeeded in beating me
DOWN Dee only did he show a CLEAN of
Pity' ahdl am not quite sure whether
that was pity or surprise. 1 asked for
some anges food and ice cream as a fin
lsh TO dlnNr and he came around and
lelt the topof my head and murmured:
Poor boy! Hes got EN- for sure.'
went upto stay with Mr. Muldoon
Tor at least \ month At the end of a
week l counte up and found that I had
stared death II the face exactly seventy
iour tlrnes' andif every bone in my body
iauh been broien at least twenty times
over there was mistake somewhere. If
leIt the place lmight live a month or
So IL remained. Well, it is natural
10 cAihS 10 me- L tot up at midnight and
| fed Mr.. Muldoop SUSPECTED nv inten-
.ions ANA IolioWed ne but l lodged him
III the darkness andmade my way home
| ana nave never seel him since. At this
Instance from his Raining farm 1 can
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13

rub. He began at my ears and i'm
ished at my toes. | protested when
he legthened my neck by six inches,
and l ried out at the top OF my voice
when le dragged my shoulders down
along ny ribs and swept away the last
vestige pf my kneecaps, but he was
callous-,e arted man and whistled
blithely IS he wrecked my anatomy.
forget hi estimate Iof the quantity of
perspiratOn which that stroll had
brought out on me, but he said some
thing abo,t three barrels. and l pre-
sumo he hit it within a gallon or two.
After the rundown l wanted to lOll
and smokeand read, but Mr.. Muldoon
objected. He sternly ordered me into
bed, and aided that if 1 was over five
minutes falling asleep he would see
about it. Thought best to obey or
deVS. Seven hours later l dadn't want
to get up, BIT Mr.. Muldoon gave me
just thirty seconds in which to tumble
out or be Mashed by baseball
bat / believeI turned out. l wasn't
afraid of him, but l turned out be,
cause six O'clGk dinner was. ready
downstairs. l lad my order all made
out in my head before l got down.
There was to b fried oysters, cream
potatoes, plum RESERVES, ice cream
and
There" said lr. Muldoon, as he
heaped my plate with rare beefsteak
and boiled pOtatOe-"pitch in and fill
up"
/ had no idea of citing that food, but
after a look from DR. MuldoOn l fell
to. When l had flushed l went out
to enjoy a cigar and swing in a ham,
mock and hear the tightingales sing.
l had scarcely reached the veranda,
and not nightingale had piped his
SEEMING song, when ayoice behind me
elected:
7oull go up stairs low for light
gym astics."
1t as Mr.. Muldoon's voice, and it
was M Muldoon who backed it up.
AS ha, slept good shire of the day
was lobe put throug+ When we
reached tn gymnasium l vas instruct
ca ~ bag-hnching. l retsed to hurt
the Dag. MrsMuldoon encouraged and
ofoereo4 and eemanded. HI declared 1t
my DUTY to m,self, familyand coun-
try to knock Tat bags bfmed head
on and END its earthly c&eer than
and there, but tie savage instincts
within my breast rfused to hubble up
and the most l accomplishments the
feat of disturbing a. fly which had
gone to roost for the.night hder a
feeling of misplaced co1fdence!Moved
by the unfeeling Language of NJ. Nun
doom l changed from thebag !, the
turninp-nOle Under hiSS orlu -,
directions l hung from the var Ne a
bag of sand-I turned abous, liz a
man hung from limb put Nth
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-11-13

to be an actor, said the president as he
cast his eyes over the hall-"and Elder
Toots, who sighs to enter the lecture field
and become a cicero. Some other time 1
shall have few words to say to em. If
de Lawd puts brains into a mans head
dat man ginerally gifts along, but if his
head am filed wild cheese or sawdust de
rest of de people orter sympathize wild
him. l think We had better put out de
tiah set de bar traps agin burglars and
go home. AS q club we don't seem to be
feelin' powerful well dis eavenin'v'
Copyright 1Sss. by the International Lit
erary and News Service)