The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1898-08-06
MR.. DOOLEY IN DOUBT.
The Philippine Problem Troubles the
Irish Philosopher.
(Chicago JournaI.)

Irish Philosopher.
Chicago JournaL)
ct know what I'd do if was Mack"
said Mr.. Hennessy. I'D hist a flag
over tn Philippians an I'd take in tn
whole lot iv thim''
AN yet" said Mr.. DoolAy, "'tis not
more thin two months since We larned
whether they were islands or canned
goods. Ye'er back yard is so small that
ye'er COW can't turn r-rOund without
buttin' tn woodshed off tn premises,
an We Wuddent go out to tn stock
yards without takin' out a policy on
yeer life. Suppose ye was standin' at
tn corner iv State sthreet an Archey
r-road, wud We know what car to take
to get to TIL Philippians? If ye'er son
Pac<y was to ask ye where tn Philip
poems is cud We give him amy good
idea whether they was in ROoshia or
jus wist iv tn thracks?"
"'Mebbe I cudden't," said Mr. Hen
messy, haughtily, but I'm FIR takin'
thin in anyhow
so might 1 be- said Mr.. Dooley, Gig
I cud only get me mind on it. Wan iv
tn worst things about this here war is
tn way it's maxim puzzles FIR our poor,
tired heads. Whin 1 Wint into it
thought all I'd have to do was to set
up here behind tn bar with good tin
clint see-gar in me teeth an toss dinny-
mite bombs into tn hated city iV Ha-
vana- But look at me now. TIL war
is still goin' on an livery night whin
L L
silf will I annex Cuba or lave it to tn
Cubians? viii I take Porter Ricky
or put it by? An what
shud do with tn Ph'lp-
Poems? oh, what shud I do with thin?
I can't annex thin because I don't
know where they ARE. I can't let go
iv thin because some one else'u take
thin if do. They are eight thousan
iV thin islands with a population 1v
wan hundred millyOn naked savages,
an me bedrooms crowded now with me
an tn bed. How can 1 take thin in
an how on earth am gOin' to cover tn
nakedness iv thin savages with me
wan shoot iv clothes? An yit 'twOuld
break me heart to think iV g1v1n' peo-
pie I niver see or heerd tell iv back to
other people L don't know. An II
don't take thin Schwartzmeister down
tn street. that has half me thrade al
ready will grab thin sure.
1T amt that I'm afraid iv not dom
tn fright thing in tn end, Hinnissy.
Some mOrnin' III wake up an know jes'
what to do, an that I'll do. But it's tn
annoyance iv tn manetime. I've been
over beyant ye'er left shoulder whin
ye'er facin' east. JUS throw ye'er
thumb back an We have it as ac'rate as
amy man in town. IT'S farther thin
BoohIgarya an not so far as Blewchoo-
chOo. It's nearly Chiny an it's not so
near, an if a man was to bore well
through firm Goshen, Indianny, he
might sthrike it, an thin again he
might not. It's pOverty-sthricken
country, full iv goold an precious
sthOnes, where tn people can pick din
ner off tn threes an ARE starvin' be
cause they have no stepladders. TIL
inha bitants is mostly naggurs an Chi
nymen, peaceful. industrious an law
abidin', but savage an blOodthlrsty IN
their methods. They wear no clothes ex-
cept what they have on, an each Wo-
man has five husbands an each man
has five wives. TIL r-rest goes into tn
discard. tn same as here. TIL Islands
has been ownded be Spain since
befure tn fire, an she's threat
ed thin so we'll they're now
up in ar-arms agin her except a majority
iV thin which is thruly loyal Tn natives
wan another they r-run-a-muck. Whin
man r-runs-a-m muck sometimes they hang
him an soIntlIles Iney r 4TIii9I S ~ 80
beautiful. with languiShin' black eyes an
incomplete in their dhreSS- see a pltcIlet
iV wan tn other day with naWth1n on her
skirt They're no prndes. we 1hpoII
juke, hemp, cigar wrappers, sugar ana
fairy tales firm TIL Philippians, an export
six-inch shells an tn like " late IN
Philippians has awakened to tn fact that
they're behind tn times. an has recelV-
ed much American am minition IN their
midst. They say tn Spaniards is all tore
Il Earned all this firm tn papers, an
dinnow what to do about tn Philippians.
An I'm ali alone in the wurruld. Iv'ry-
body else has made up his mind. Y e ask
amy car conductor on Arrchy r-rOad
an he'll tell We. Ye can find out fir m tn
pa-apers. an if We really want to know,
az yG vi Lbo can nov ali fb, lawn he owns
with a safety razor. But don't know"
Hang on to Thu said Mr.. Hennessy,
stoutly. What we've got We must Mold
I'd rave it to George. ia say: George
I'd say If ye'er FIR hangin' on, hang on
'TJyas George Won thin with tn shells,
an tn questions up to him.