davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
SILAS SWIMMERS DIVORCE.
1t Was Brought About by a Com bina
ton of Drink, Phosphorus
and BuniOns.

The American lifted a long leg from
the table and placed it over the other,
We had been talking of the easiness OF
divorce in some of the states, and he
had not been silent.
II know a case" said he, curling
leaf round his Laranaga, Sin which a
friend of mine was divorced on account
Of a mere misunderstanding. It oc.
Cured i'm Florida, where there are mos.
quitoes and firefies. His name was
Silas Skinner.
''Silas and his wife had logged along
pretty well for some years, but she was
a martyr to bunions. She had two on
each foot as big as dollars. There was
not surer weather-prophet in the
whole states than that woman. In dry
weather she was as bright and chirpy
as cricket, but if there was only drop
of water in the air for 20 miles round
that woman knew it, and limped like a
mule who thinks he has too much on his
back. She could tell if a storm were
coming, three days beforehand, and on
those occasions Silas found that his life
was a burden to him.
'Then one day she heard there was
nothing better for bunions than phos-
phorus. She bought some phosphorus
and rubbed it on her bunions one night
before going to bed, Silas being out.
When he came home he was not drunk,
but he was not sober, so he went up in
the dark and got into bed as quietly as
L l.
and he couldn't sleep. By and by he
opened his eyes and he saw a couple
of enormous frehies shining as COM
Portable and complacent as could be at
the bottom of the bed. He thought:
This is blamed nonsense and shut his
eyes; but the idea of those little things
made him open them again, and this
time there were four frefies. Then he
prayed that he might be delivered from
the curse of whisky, and he tried again
to go to sleep. But he couldn't, and
when he looked up there were the fire.
flies winking away quite calm and nat
ural. Blame the things!' he said, and
he reached his hand down gently to the
floor and picked up his boot-a good,
solid boot, with nails in it. He raised
himself softly, so as not to wake his
wife, and then he hit out with the boot
as hard as he could at those cunning lit
tie creatures.
''There was yell and commotion
which puzzled him nightly, and he
found after awhile that his wife was
bowling and nursing her feet, which
shone like moons.
ut doesn't seem much, but, anyway,
Silas is divorced now, and his wife that
was is president of the Women's Anal
gamated Teetotal association Pick
Me-Up.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Won't Need 1t.

She-There are people who use re-
ligion as cloak.
He-I know it.
'What will they do in the next world,
do you think?'
"Oh, they won't need any cloak to
keep them warm here.'-Yonkers
Statesman.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28

Winterbloom-Don't you think 5000
is rather high for tailor-made gown?
Won Blumer tells me his wife paid only
$3.50 for hers.
Mrs. Notwithstanding my dear,
but she got hers before I got mine
N. Y. Truth.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Same Thing.

Mr.. Boresley (amateur hypnotist)-
Now, Miss Spicer, want you for mo-
ment to concentrate your mind upon
absolutely nothing.
! Miss Spicer-Would it make much
difference if I concentrated it upon
you, Mr.. Boresley ?-Tit-Bits.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Sensitive.

Chollie-Faw the bloomin' life of me,
I cawn't understand why Miss Cum
lately got so indignant when asked
her to sing that song about-er-maw-
BILE halls, you know.
Yabsley-You dim and doleful idiot,
her father used to drive a wagon for q
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
4 What Would he the Irse.


He-To SIT here forever and hold your
little hand in mine would be heaven
enough for me. .. ".*'~%
She-Yes; but if you held my hand
| all the time nobody would ever have a
chance to see my engagement ring
Chicago Daily News.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Glad Of the Ch0nce,

"Who gives this bride away?" asked
the minister.
II do, willingly" replied her father,
| innocently, with an approving smile at
the groom-North American.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
He Was Ont.

She looked at him reproacafully.
"You were out last night" she said.
"Out about $780," he admitted before
he realized that his words had ten
dency to cast doubt on his assertion
that he had been sitting up with sick
friend Chicago Post.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Couldn't Stop Him,

my doctor knows better than to
forbid me to drink coffee"
"Why do you think 500"
"He knows if l didn't drink coffee I
wouldn't be strong enough to earn
money to pay his bills Chicago Rec
ord. -
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Why He Opposed. 1t.

'Why are you opposed to women on
juries?" H. .%E. = 49,. r. r..
well, I think the aim of our jury sys-
tenn should be to have fewer instead of
more disagreements." Chicago Post.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Exceedingly Ungenerous.

Gidds-Age has begun to tell on Miss
Goldthorpe.
Gadds-That is exceedingly ungen-
erous of age, for she never told on it,
| Up to Date.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
EHectually Disguised,

aren't you mistaken? I didn't see
Mrs. Pswift at the masquerade"
"Yes, you did, but you failed to rec
| ognize her. She went without her face
powder. Tribune.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
HanDfne44.

A weather-worn mulberry
Meath which the children sit,
And a hooking bird a-singing
In the very top Oft.
Chicago Times-Herald.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28

The Old Lady-Oh, Maude, see that
drunken brute! Such men ought not
to be allowed at large.
Maude - But that's Cousin Tom,
aunty!
"Cousin Tom? Then those horria
saloon keepers have been drugging that
poor boy again!"-N. Y. Evening Jour-
nal.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
A Political Difficulty.

When lovely woman holds full sway
The worst of all her cares
May be to make fair listeners pay
Close heed to what she has to say
Instead of what she wears.
WASHINGTON Star.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Love Inv the Foo

Johnson lub. de very earth dat
gal treads upon! s. FL I 2.s : !. 1 + FL x.
Jackson Well, all rs got ter say be
that your Tub covers an awful lot OBJ
ground, Judge. .55:.. t. &c. E{s; rs
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Truly Wonderful.

Mrs. Whites What most surprised
you when you arrived in Paris?
Mrs. Jaunter-Why, the fact that lit
tie children of three or four years could
talk French. 1t was perfectly amaz-
ing.-Tit-Bits.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Somethitr nj an Exner+

eyes, grandma, when I graduate, I
intend following literary career
write for money, you know"
why, Willie, my dear, you haven't
done anything else since you've been at
college. "-Tit-Bits.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
A Good School.

Mrs. Dearborn-How did your parrot
learn to swear so?
Mrs. Wabash-Oh, my husband has
| an alarm clock in his room.-Yonkers
Statesman
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Married.

She-Do you really love me, George?
He (snappishly)-Didn't 1 tell you
week before last that I did?-Somer-
vile Journal.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Deliberat1On.

s'pose it's right fob folks tn fight
Ter save dahse'fs FUN shame.
But eff you does, don't nevvuh shoot
Until you's done took aim.
WASHINGTON Star
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
The Pity of 1T.

Things go by contraries in life;
The virtuous seldom get their rights;
He that is priced most by his wife
Is not afraid to stay out nights.
Chicago Daily News.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
A Juvenile Diplomat t.

Willie (who has eaten his piece of
cake as fast as possible)-I say, Ethel,
let's play menagerie. I'll be the mon
key, and you feed me with your cake.
--Tif-RitS
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
No Surnrise to Her.

. Cholly There aw some things ]
Gavin t und erstand, don tcherknow?
Ethel suspected 6 much. ~
Journal.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
He Named the Species

He Named the Species.
He referred to her as bird
When his love was 18-carat,
But later, so I've heard,
He referred to her as parroti
-Up-tO-Date,
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Immortality,

Lives of rich men all remind us
We must quickly fade from sight
Z If we do not leave behind us
Wills Ger which our heirs may fight.
Chicago Journal \: ii Il
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Ibsen's Quiet Rebuke.

No man ever was so loath as Ibsen to
say anything regarding what he had
himself written. 1t is thus he shields
himself from the opportunities of
curious travellers and interviewers who
plague him beyond endurance. Even at
court balls, which he sometimes at
tends, however, he is not rid of the inn
Fortunate; and ION one occasion Ger
man lady received one of those quiet
rebukes to impertinence which have
given him well-merited reputation for
reticent reserve. Hardly had she been
presented to him before she broke out
into expressions of enthusiastic adj
miration, and finally wound up with the
question which Ibsen has heard so often
that he is now tired of it.: do you mind
telling me, DIR. Ibsen, what you meant
by Peer Gynt?'' A dead silence reigned
for moment in the little group sur
rounding the old man, and expected
him to change the subject without an
swering the query. But no; he finally
raised his head, threw back his shock of
white hair, adjusted his glae$es, looked
quizzically into the womanr eyes, and
then slowly drawled out: ''Os, my dear.
madam, when I wrote Peer G:at' only
our Lord and knew what mea=,t; and
as for me, I have entirely forgot,~n."-
William H. Schofeld, in Atlantic. ss2
a., ae How Strange. !. ,... I. Jul "a.
"Well,' said Ricksley, I'm co1n-
PEELED to admit that can't under
stand women NJ
whats happened now?''
II met Gladys Dewkins yesterday
afterno Don, and she said this fine, balmy
weather made her he feel just like .
bird. :" s.2s .s 81 s3 II
Yes Ss5S >s.::.z.Ss
II wanted to show her that I under
stood what she was trying to get at,
50 ] said she looked rather fly, and
blame me IS she didn't flare up and
leave me standing there, without even
saying good-by =" leveland Leader.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Al Miatake.

Mulcahy Flanagan says he insult.
ed youse. .
% Rourke He's q loirel No mon can
do thotl Chicago Daily News.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Shouldn't Grumble.

Crawford-It doesn't seem to matter
what the doctor prescribes for my wife,
the grasping druggist charges IS cents
for the prescription. 2r. a .@5.. i. .ssa
Crabshaw-That's nothing. My wife's
doctor prescribed bicycle for her and
it cost me S10O.-N. Y. Truth. u.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28

Shorty-How far is II to the post Of
fee?
"About 20 minutes walk
"For you or for me ?'-Golden Days.
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
"A Mad Rush.

/. "A Mad Rush. III # s8 $@> n
Mexican-Big earthquake to-day. +
s. American Tourist Was there one?
j didn't notice it. 5E#5s %&ss5 H
Mexican OF you see zee people rush
out from churches? %+' & 5
=.$ Tourist-Oh, yes, 1 saw that; but I
thought maybe the contribution box
was going 'round.-N. Y. Weekly. !
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
AT THE OPERA.

She You don't understand German,
do you, Mr.. Binks? 5,.8@ "a
Little Binks -Noer mot much.
= She-I wondered at you applauding
SO vigorously when the principal actor
said he was too indisposed to continue.
Judy. " .s #es#3. s..
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Just What They Like.
/ 80 i4.:E IiEl IIEIs'E

Just What They Like.
She said her affection for him was intense,
And likewise he swore he loved her;
| And since they are spoons, their engage
ment, Of course,
Is certain to make quite stir.
-Puck
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28
Two Questions

..%#5 Twill you always love me o.
will you always be loYable De
troit Free Press, Z. 6lss
The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1898-04-28

QlQ CQe proper SluII IN MIN ana tlat
he would not be left at the mercy of
soulless corporation. He was taken I'M
der the uncle's wing and made office
boy in the bank of which the uncle was
president. Ross seemed predestined to
an eventful life, for he had not been
on his new duty for week before he
threw his natty cousin bodily from the
outer office, Earring him physically and
giving his pride one of the severest
wounds it had ever received.
This time it was the aunt who in
sisted that the boy be discharged forth
with and sent back to the farm. But
she, stirred up bit of character in her
husband that he had never before
shown to her in It's entirety He want
ed her to attend exclusively to her do
nestle affairs. He would look after
the business end of their, partnership.
He had told Ross to keep everything
quiet during an important conference
in the private office, and to admit no
one until it was over with. When men
were talking about the investment of
millions they had enough to do without
being bothered by every fellow that
thought he wanted to see the president.
The son had rushed in and said he want
ed to talk with his father a minute.
Ross explained matters to him and po-
itely asked him not to make such a
tarnal racket. The son of wealthy
father promptly served notice that no
clodhopper could tell him how to be-
have, and it was at this juncture that
he was landed in the hall so hard that
his bones cracked and his hair stood
on end. The father was glad Of it. His
son was getting too swift and he would
either check his pace or he would be
sent to ELL the place that Ross had left
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24
FLOUR MILL WANTED.

We are safe in stating that here
in Sequachee is planted 400 acres
ofwheat. The average crop of last
year was 16i bushels to the acre.
Allowing all average Of 10 bushels
10 the acre, this means 5000 BUSH
els Of wheat. $4,000, right here and
there will be more. THIS is equal
to 1900 barrels OF flour, which can
easily find a market here. With
the wheat on hand and the corn to
follow we cannot see why any one
should hesitate to establish mod
crate plant with the reserve pro
duct to draw on any energetic nil
Ter may not only make good liv
but make money.
1900 barrels Of -four at So togeth'
er with the bran. would mean 4
business of over $4,000 from whea
alone There is a good margin o
profit, as we look at it. There is I
a chance Of a lifetime, and it il
better for all concerned that thu
products should be sold right her,
than to assume the risk o shipping
to other places with the expens,
and labor of handing.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24
500 Reward. 500.

The readers of this paper will be
pleased to know that there Is at
least one dreaded disease that
science has been able to cure in all
it's stages, and that is catarlh.
Halls Catarrh Cure is the only
positive cure known to the medical
fraternity. Catarfh being a con
stitutional disease, requires cons
stitutional treatment. Halls CaN
tarrh Cure is taken internally, act
ing directly upon the blood and
mucous surfaces of the system,
thereby destroying the foundation
of the disease. and giving the pa
tient strength by building up the
constitution and assisting nature
in doing it's work. The proprietors
have so much faith in its curative
powers. that they offer One Hun
dred dollars for any case that il
fails to cure. Send for list of testi.
mOnials
Address, F. ], CHENEY & CO.,
Toledo, Ohio
Solo by all Druggists, 75a.
Halls Family Pills are the best.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24
THURSDAY, MAR. "a. 1898
GOOD CITIZENSHIP.

We sometimes read of special ef-
forts being made by residents of
towns and cities looking to the
improvement of the localities in
which they live, and leading in
needed reforms and improvements
introduce new manners and GUS
toms. In other words turn their
backs on old and worL>out meth
DDS, and line up with the best in
the country. And when we read
of such man or men, the thought
naturally comes to US that he or
they are good citizens and useful
members of a community.
Such people as these we want to
help build up Sequachee and the
Sequachee Valley. We have some
enterprising citizens. We want
more, Shall we get them2 Do
the people who are to be most ben
cited by improvements appreciate
enterprise and thrift Not much
Unless they can see some immcdi-
ate pecuniary profit for themselves
the majority only reason selfishly
"What am l going to get out Of itP
Such action to our mind is not
good citizenship.
We can cite many instances
right here of people impertinentIy
interfering with other peoples bus
mess, name cases where business
has been retarded and sales frus'
trated by ignorant meddling, mis-.
statements and babbling
Quite recently a man was sen
here to investigate property with q
view to purchase. He made in
uuiry as was his duty to his EN-
plovers, he was told misleading
stories about our timber, he report
ed to his company what he hac
heard. and the sale fell through
and the section was slandered
This is not good citizenship.
Now these things should not ex
list. Live and let 1--we is a gooc
motto and means much more thar
many interpret Let all who CLAIM
to he good citizens prove it by thsi
loyalty to the place they live in
and should not damn it by to-
much or too little praise.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24
Burglary.

A burglar but a clnmsy one broke
the glass in the door Of Brown &
Grahan's store with rocks. Tuesday
night, and entering helped himself to
meat and retired. Mr.. Spears Rob
erson heard the noise of breaking
glass, but thought something had
fallen at the hotel building. The
burglar after getting the meat opea-
ed the show case with greasy hands,
bat what he took cannot be deter
mined.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24
Coal Hill. Ark.

SPECIAL 10 the News.
Bose Brown is among the living at
the Slope.
Some Of the boys were boozy the
10Th inst
Pay up your old debts. Don't
boast of your credit, Think of the
past.
Its curious that some people tend
to every body's business, but let their
own alone.
H. G. Tinsly, formerly of Ouita
is at Coal Fill digging coal for the
Western Coal Co.
The Western Coal Mining Co.
at this place is working very good
time-they worked 81 days this week.
Mr.. Samuel Williams died Tues
day, the Sth instant leaving wife
children. we sympathizo with the wild
ow.
Chaa. Curry of Ouita has very
sore hand caused by small scrach
and it has irritsted and is III bad
fix.
A cold wave in this section altho'
farming has begun, Some farmers
have planted little corn, and great
many Irish potatoes,
D. d. Copln who has made SC
many trips to this country has made
his appearance again. Dan is like
the Irishmans' flea "here and there"
: If you want the news of the
whole country just get acquainted
! with a certain young follow IN Coal
Hill, He moved into this place q
week or two ago, but he knows every
thing the topics Of the hour, day and
,, week and next year.
Machine Shop and Foundry
g known as Tom Dayis's Foundry
and Machine, Shops and contents
a was sold recently. The propert,
A was under mortgage. Lum Lukel
bought the Institution and it is tn
Foundry in Russelville. 1t IS
pity for Tom, but that is the fruit
e Of mortgaging property. Russellvillr
) is the worst morgaging hole | eve
saw if you wanted box of Har.
tsr's Little Liver Pills you woul(
. have to mortgage horse or cow /
: you did not have twenty-five cents.
s Mr. G. W. Gardiner has made $
much improvement on his house ant
J. one would not know 1t as he emerge
d from the town Of Coal Hill. G. w
If Gardiner bought this property fror
II Walter Forbes in Sept. 1897, NOV
: ed in the house in Jan. 1898 an
: since that time has built a room /
S by 16 in the rear of the old room
: and all under one roof, also covere
i; the old house and rcmodeled the oil
IS shanty. Every way it adds much t,
Il our town.
Dixie FLYER.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24
Notice.

The Democratic Executive Com
mittee of Marion County Tenn. are
called to meet at Jasper, March 26,
1898 at 1920 o'clock a. m, for the
purpose of nominating or arranging
a plan to nominate candidates for tie
various County Offices, All condi-
dates for nomination will please meet
the Committee that day.
ALEX. Pryor.
Chairman.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24

Thursday, March 18th, was not es-
pecially celebrated in Sequachee,
Henry Kent and his ASSISTANTS put
up the frame of the roof on the hotel
annex, L. S. Haynes and James DAT
from resumed blowing in block -
but the thunder storm in the after
noon stopped them and all Others
from outdoor work.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24

Everyone of the papers around
here are now barking about an in~
dustrial convention. when a con-
stitutional convention is worth ten
of the former. The root Of all evil
is in the laws of the State, which
are too Anticipated for a growing
State. But if an industrial cons
vention will amount to anything
more than mere talk let us have il
by all means.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24

T. H, BAKER, Jr., has resigned
from the editorial chair OF the
South Pittsburg Republican and
delivered it over to the care Of
Messrs. W. f. Mcdaniel and w. o.
Jones. of that city. Mr.. Baker has
obtained a good position with his
father, Notwithstanding the denial
Of the "Old Man" in an interview
in the Memphis Commercial APP
peal. and will 60 where ducats are
more numerous than in Marion.
We wish the new editors success
with the Republican.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24

CO News and advertising matter to
secure insertion must be handed in
before 1900 o'clock Wednesday
noon, otherwise it may be too late.
Sequachee Valley news. (Sequachee [Sequatchie], Tenn.) 1896-1952, 1898-03-24

CONSIDER the question Of an In
dustrial convention thoroughly.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1898-04-08

The annual meeting of the Bell
Telephone company, which was held
in Philadelphia last week, developed
the interesting fact that the number
OF exchange stations operated under
the licenses OF the company is 1884,.
23J. This, We are told, equals with
in few thousand the aggregate
lumber OF exchange stations in all OF
continental Europe. Next to our
cwn country comes the German EN-.
pire with 1872, 1862 exchange stations
1886. and next Great Britain, with
So BIG. In the United States CONVEX.
sation is now had by subscribers
over distances OF / 800 miles, which
is twice the length of line anywhere
else employed for telephone use.
This. together with the fact that
most OF the appliances essential to
operating the system are not only
American inventions, but have la ter
been adopted by other countries, is
but another evidence OF the indus
trial advantage and rprise OF
this country. The financial report
OF the company shows q gain in the
net earnings over 1896 of no less a
sum than 1886, 09i.29.