The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1898-09-07
The Defeated Candidate.
BY AN Ex-DErEArED CANDIDATE.
{ With apologies to Geru Hammond.l

W9th apologies 10 Gefu HdmmOn0.J
MIR. EDITOR: Mr.. Jonathan Hayseed
was well-to-do farmer who lived at
home, and was content to pursue the
noiseless tenor of his way, surrounded
by his happy family. When he came
to town, his trade was largely sought
after, (as is that Of every other man's,)
and the mean, petty methods employ
ed by unprincipled tradesmen to secure
his trade by appealing to his vanity
overcome by might the upright means
of the less smart. Mr.. Hayseed, it was
noticed by these sharks, was well-fed
man, consequently corpulent, kept his
beard trimmed and combed, wore his
hair long, talked coarse and looked
wise. These being the principal re-
quirements for q man filing a public
trust, according to an ancient though
not altogether extinct idea he was
urged to run for an important Office.
The suggestion, while quite fattering,
almost stunned him, for he said: "No,
no, l couldn't afford to stop my bust
ness for any Office now. Pm too busy.
I appreciate your suggestion, but Cha,
ha,) really I don't think E(ah)-could
afford it," "But," urged the tempter,
ssyou must remember you are citizen
and must obey the peoples call you
must be patriotic enough to make some
sacrifices for your country; besides,
don't let the Offices go to such fellows
as Hoppergrass, who are too lazy to
make living at anything else." This
clinched the bargain. He spit and
looked at the floor right hard and then
spit again: "Oh, / wouldn't mind tax
ing it so much, but it don't exactly
suit me right now" squinted his eyes,
sat on the small of his back and looked
way off. The tempter pursued his
game knowing he had him checkma-
ted. "If the people call you out you
won't refuse, will youf" 'No," he re-
piled, looking very serious, but laugh
ing plum down in his stomach. II
couldn't refuse if they want me, but I'd
heap rather not (ha-ha-a-a.'') Hayseed
starts home, speaks to everybody, and
like the new-made groom, thinks
everybody loves him and he loves
everybody. Even his old mare feels
the change that has come over the
spirit of his dreams. That night, after
supper, he calls his wife tenderly and
says: "Molly, I guess you'd better
begin to pack up and let's moveto
town. I'm going to run for --.
They've been after me so much about
it, I don't see how can get out of it,"
ssWho's been after you, Jonathan 2"
Jaw, 1 don't know, several" .fWeH,
just can't do it. Idon't want to move
to town; we're fixed up. here now and
we'd better stay"
But the next day she tells him she's
studied it over and is willing to move
to town. That much is settled. Mr..
blossoms out into Sunday
School lecturer and sings very loud in
the choir. He loves to go to Church
and will ride a long ways, nearly to the
County, to hear good
sermon OF any other kind, and when
the contribution box comes round he
slips (7) dollar in and looks pious.
The day after the election he comes
TO town to hear how the other fellows
come out. In counting the votes, his
name seems to him as silent as the
letter "g" in the word "gnat," and he
gets disgusted with the whole proceed
ing, bitches up his mare, lights his last
cigar and says. "Whoa, darn you, can't
you stand still?" On the way home he
thinks, and thinks out loud,
D-nit to HI don't give d-n.
Pm d-n glad of it. didn't want it,
snyhow.n Come up here, d-n you"
On the piazza, his wife waits for him
% S6G Ill ulllluS UlStituCC 1AOiu OFOh ouO
ong rocky hill leading down to the
louse." (Silence) "What's the news
rom the election9" Whoa, hold up
rour head" "What's the news from
he election, l say7n "Whoa, you old
'ool, can't you hold UP your head, act
ust like you amt had nothin' to eat in
month";" all this while jerking at the
,it and kicking so as to drown the per-
istent inquirer's voice. This time she
vas by his side and asked: "WeD,
ronathan, how's the election 2" "Aw, I
lon't know. Snooks is first, Snyder
econd, and come in there somewhere,
nut that don't make any difference; /
amt take it. nohow. We couldn't
nove, aud it don't suit my business, so
just come home and left it there with
,m." And then he took a big chew of
obacco and didn't say anything till
ext week. EX-CANDIDATE.
Recruits Wanted for the ARMY.