The times., 1898-10-30

must be called Nat, Robson may be abb
breviated to Rob, and Mansfield can be al
luded to as Dickie-when he is out of
hearing. The speaker must affect to be
a bosom friend of all these people and
may commend them in a condescending
shame-faced sort of way. He should new
er be ignorant of any detail of their past
lives or wives. This information may be
secured from any annual dramatic pub
lication.
The critic would be wise to take some
care of his office. A desk is necessary,
OF course. though a typewriter should be
placed at another end of the room in or
der to impart the idea that the inmate
has q secretary. a few autographed
pictures-presents from press agents-and
an every hour Is part or the editors
busy day" card or so about the apartment
lend atmosphere and make trouble for
the janitor. No such office is complete
without two theatrical papers on the
chairs, while few thousand letters
spread careiessly about lend an air of
Importance only given otherwise by the
possession of a door boy and a rubber
stamp signature.
Some small part of critics du-
ties lie in writing criticisms A great
deal of what reputation is in this
may be found in the expression the
author wears when constructing mis-
work. together with his ability to
assume an air of Indifference when allud-
ing to Ii. His notices need differ from
each other very little. The head must al
ways remark that a large and fashona-
BILE audience greeted a certain play and
player last night at a certain theater and
that the house was willing TO note small
virtues and forgive large faults" The
body of the notice speaks of the piece and
the foot kicks the actors. French farces
have always been fumigated or need fu-
migation, musical comedies can be brush
ed up and may have a run in New
York.; dramas are well built but lack
probability; comedies of the less legiti-
mate order deal with old IDEAS and ope-
ras are tuneful and catchy. OF course.
Shakespeare is the only playwright who
ever lived and Booth the only actor. Men
| ton must invariably be made of the fact
| that the star has done better work but
| that his vehicle is possibly responsible for
| this. Ordinary actors are always "intelli-
! gent" or the reverse and actresses are
| described as charming. A few jokes may
| be worked to advantage and combina-
! tion OF the tangible and intangible-as,
John Drew next appeared wearing a
( pleasant smile and a dark mustache'-is
! effective. Metaphors are still used occa-
sioually, especially when speaking of
| farces. Thus, "A Railroad Ticket car
ried a large and well pleased audience
! away from the Grand Opera House
I There are a few other trifiing things a
| critic must be able TO do. He should
learn to live on a salary somewhat less
than that paid car conductors and to take
charge of anything in the office from TIE
telegraph key to the coal bucket He
must know how to retain his honor and
| theatrical advertising, how to keep his
friends and the few pass privileges al
1 lowed him. how to gain at once the con-
| fidence of the public, the managers and
his employer and how TO stand between
two fires without danger of burning his
eye lashes. He must be muscular and
nervy, should not be afraid to stick by
his convictions and would ind it advisa-
BILE to be ready for a change of position
after the first time he differs with house
manager as to the value Of that worthey'.
attraction. He must be a diplomat, g
prevaricator and an unprincipled gentle.
man. Being amenable to everyone with
in range he should defer TO the ideas Of
managers, treasurers, ushers, program
boys. stage carpenters, advance agents
messenger boys and sporting editors
Above all he must be able to check tho
| ambitions of advance agents and should
learn to improve their grammar arC
spelling so delicately that they canEo
notice the changes and take offelse
There are a few other things to which
the reviewer might become accustomed
with advantage but they are not worthy
Of mention in SO purely cursory an arti
Gle.
After the would-be Alan Dale has mas
tered these essentials and expended with
them sufficient amount of energy tC
have become bank president had his eff
forts not been misdrected ne may attain
dramatic editOrship of a daily newspaper
and make salary of S12 week and "a,
| tickets.