davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09

he groaned. "You may be widow be-
fore the week is out. l hope you will
always be kind to our child. l have
tried to be good husband, and
and-i"
Mrs. Bowser laid Ter hand on his
forehead and the tears came to his
eyes with flood and he broke down
and sobbed like BOBBY. She sat down
and held his hands until he finally fell
asleep, and though she might have
charged him with doing a score of i'm
prudent things to bring on mis- illness
she didn't mention a single one. After
couple of hours he woke up feeling
better but he wanted tea. toast, Jelly,
and sympathy, and was as petuant as
a baby until put to bed. Re was new
man, however, when he woke up next
morning, and when she asked after his
throat he replied:
"Throat-hump, Mrs. Bowser. for
about five hours yesterday l was hover
ing between life and death. Had it
been you, you would have died ten
times over, but grit pulled me
through"
Crit" she cueried.
Eyes, grit - sand-pluck - Spartan
courage and fortitude. I let none of
you know how badly I actually was.
but just shut my teeth and determined
to live. and here is the result of it.
All. Mrs. Bowser, if you only had a
hundredth paN Of my courage and will
power you'd be far different woman
from what you are nova far different
woman"
Copyright. 1898, by the International
Literary News Service.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09
HIS WERE DIFFERENT.

'Tn the lightning rod business. eh -
observed the builder. Il had an idea
that you were
yes, sir"
wei, don't want anything In youf
line"
"No?"
I'm fact sir. 7 believe they are a
contemplate swindle on the public
"Yes?"
"And any man who sells en- ought
to be sent to jail for year.
YES"
II suppose" continued the contrac-
tor. az he looked mis- surprise that the
agent didn't dispute his statements
Il suppose you claim that your roda
are different from all others?"
We'll. slightly different It's q com
bination OF lightning rod. barbed wirs
fence. burglar alarm, door bell, tele-
phone and dinner horn. you see, and
we are thinking Of adding a VIVID mill.
All we claim for the lightning rod it,
self is that It looks pretty By moonr
light" ~
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09

the tops of the hills. When 1t was all
over Commissioner Dunton arose.
II have been indicated. he said. IT
am going home. Good night
After he had gone the good work.
continued. There were Take Back
Your Gold" Throw Him Down, Nc
Cluskey." "The Sidewalks of New
York" "Ambolena Snow" and that in
spring voealization. Love 70 Tho 70
Hide Am Black" Then came another.
1.-THE Wedding of the Chinee and the
Coon" followed by the Niger Fri
casse."
When the last coon" melody was
finished there was more applause, and
the band came ashore in tho swan boat
amid more cheering. Prof. Hand said.
YVES. In future will play some moro
oS what you call coon songs. But Boz
caccso' and Martha, acn. they are not
classical. No In Paris, In Berlin, I'M
VienniS they are called popular. But
this COIN song, ii is so bad. Il goes
la, la, la. la. la, Ia, SO, like that. It
has no dlgnity, no deeSness OF feeling.
1t has no soItl It cores in at on2 ar
and goes oul atiks osk6r: But
play taossvtl l1l. ~ lpsgHlss
and Tannhauser, ah. how y
them up,s-C Chicago Tribune.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09

from that time on was miserable
baby. II I'd been designed tor either
dime museum midget or a modern
Hercules nobody would have heard a
kick from me, but the doctor settled 1t
that / was to be betwixt and between
and thus wrecked my life. II I'd been
a midget the women would have taken
me up in their arms and exclaimed:
Oh! how little and cute!' If I'd been
designed for a giant they would have
rolled me around and cried out: Ny,
but isn't he whopper!' Being be-
twixt and between they poked their
fingers into my ribs and confemptu-
cusly said: why, he'll grow up to
be a runt of mani"
well, you grew UP" sighed the
other, after a painful pause.
'3Of course / did" bitterly exclaimed
the sawed-off man, as he waved an
arm about. Death could have stepped
in at any time unfit was twelve
years old and found me innocent heart
ed and insured me future
happiness, but Death would not
90 it. l was too small to be
noticed. Even the measles ald
whcoping cough passed me by, and
can't remember that | ever fell into a
mud-hole, down well or got run over
by a butcher cart AS a kid all the
other kids called me 'runt' or "banta.
l was left out of all games because my
legs were too short, and il was In
vited to party it was that they might
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09

stomach with watermelon buttermilk,
ginger ale and all that. Because | don't
sum-drops, custard-pie, sweet cake,
go around with my feet sopping wet
Because | know enough to come in
when it rains. Because | exercise a
little common sense in taking care of
myself"
Your dinner is ready" she quietly
replied as he balanced himself on his
heels and looked down upon her with
great complacency.
And I'm ready for dinner, of course
A healthy, happy person is always
ready for his meals. You won't try to
get UP l suppose?" .
mot now"
well, you have only yourself to
blame. You may learn in time, but
doubt it. I'd like TO find one woman
with about two ounces of horse-sense
in her head before die, but l don't ex-
pect to do it. 1t can't be helped, sup
pose. The Lord made you that way,
and it's no use to argue"
Mr.. Bowser ate his dinner, smoked
his cigar and sang and whistled as if
the slightest noise didn't go through
her head like bullet. 1t never oc-
Cured to him to fan her, wet the ban
dage or ask if she couldn't sip a cup of
tea 1t did occur to him, however, to
run over to the club for a couple of
hours, and TO say as he came back and
found the patient no better:
by George, but you look tough.
Maybe you'd better call in the doctor,
though l don't suppose he could do any
good"
81 think I'll be better by morning"
she replied.
-s'I hope so. and I hope this will be a
lesson to you for the future. I tell you
that no woman can slOsh around the
way most Of you do and live out half
her days How many cocoanuts and
green apples and bananas did you eat
today"
"Don't be foolish, Mr. Bowser!"
"Wel, have your own way, but vou
mustn't expect any tears of sympathy
from me. I'll go up to bed and you
can come up when you get ready. If
YOU are going 10 kick around much,
vcu'd better sleep in the spare room.
/ don't propose to lose any sleep be-
cause you lack the sense to take care
of your health"
But forty-eight hours later the tables
were turned. Mr.. Bowser came seuff-
ing along home with his shoulders
humped UP and his face the color Of
flour. ard it was plain to see that
ecn'ething had happened.
whats the metter?'' asked Mrs.
Bowser as soon as he stepped into the
hall.
Got s1re throat aud I feel fever
ish III think am going to be sick!'
She didn't cali out that was Just as
hand in the State had sense enough to
hook s st al'i n eab ~ h aesW ssi n4.
sleeves. but she didn't even refer to Il.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09
On the contrary, she remarked in sol

|; On the contrary, she remarked In soil
citcus tones:
.eTry and eat a little something and
then lie down. You'd better gurgie
your throat and then tie it up
do you-you think it's anything Sc
rious?" ne whispered as he grew paler
yet.
81 hope not, but it's best to be on the
safe side. You are subject to quincy,
| you know, and spinal meningitis be-
gins this way"
Il believe I'm going to die!" gasped
Mr.. Bowser, and he grew so weak that
| she had to take off his coat and vest
and get him to the lounge.
Nonsense! You got cold last night,
and these are the symptoms. Men
| don't die of a sore throat and headache.
I'll have YOU feeling better in half An
! hour"
II hope so, but dunno. l feel
awfuHy queer"
Everything about the house was or
dered to go on tip-toe and even the cat
| was put out and the clock stopped.
After his throat had been tied UP, his
shoes taken off ard a quilt thrown
over him, Mr.. Bowser plaintively in
quired:
Don't you think you'd better send
for a doctor?"
Not just yet, dear. I dent think
it's serious"
Mrs. Bowser, believe I'm already
struck with DEATH"
How foolish You've just got lit
tie Inflammation of the tonsils and a
fever. It's nothing to worry about
1--WE felt for some days as if great
calamity hung over this household! -
he weepingly whispered. Hadn't we
better have two doctors?'
Just try to go to sleep, Mr.. Bow
ser, and III warrant you'll feel better
by night"
'Ah! how I suffer-how I suffer-"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09

| make fun of me. Oh, yes-Oh, yes, l
| remember all about 1t, and the wonuer
is that | haven't turned loose and kill
ed a dozen tai men before this"
The other didn't know exactly what
to say and so kept silent, and with a
sob in his throat the sawed-off man
continued:
LAS a young man l was neither a
baby, kid, youth, young man nor
man Nobody could get line on me.
l had the legs of baby, the body Of
youth and the head of a young man,
and l can't wonder that folks were
puzzled. When | recall those years Of
doubt and suffering and sorrow l want
to die right here and now. l don't
know why l lived to be man. Per-
haps | had a dim idea that l might get
blown up on steamboat, wrecked on
a railroad or meet with a cyclone, and
that Id get telescoped into a midget or
drawn out into man, but this has
never happened. | am still 'runt'-
a 'banta'-a 'sawed-off.' You seem to
pity me, but you couldn't pity me
enough if you went into 1t as bust
ness on a capital Of $3.50, coo. Say, now,
just imagine me as delivering Fourth
vi July duQt tSS, VII ytu' AiON lA4O
history of this country from the land
ing of the Mayfower down. but if |
was to be put up on a platform to tell
of its glorious record I'd get the grand
guy before l opened my mouth. You
can't make nobody believe that a
sawed-off man has any oratory in his
head of patriotism in his heart"
81 think l see," unused the other, as
he slowly nodded his head.
"You see, of course. How could you
help it? At the age of twenty-three |
felt it my duty to marry. How dye
think | came out? | couldn't find a
girl on the face of this earth who
wasn't at least a head taller than
am, and l got the throw-down
| till had to give it up
in despair. My last love affair
was with a midget two feet high,
/ but after considering my proposal for
! two weeks she decided to throw me
over and marry a man six feet tall.
AS to matrimony, l am hoodooed. sir
knocked clean ever the fence because
I'm a 'banta,' Like all other men, l
wanted to go into politics. | couldn't
see no reason why l shouldn't be an
alderman. | had the brain power and
/ the money, but when | began to lay
wires | was laughed to scorn. The pro-
| fessional ward hee'erS wouldn't even
take my cash and boiler for me. I new
| er heard that there was a rule that a
/ politician should be over a certain
height and weight but it seems there
7 is. and that sawed-off men must stand
aside. I've thought of taking the lee
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09

earth was the shape of a Jersey water
melcn after COW had stepped on H.,
jumped up on chair and called Phile-
tuS liar and AbsOlam an idiot, and
next minute everybody was fightin
Deacon Spooner, VINO was to blame
more than any one else, lodged a chair
thrown at his head, and tried to climb
out Of the window. They pulled him
back and hammered him so bad that
he was laid up for a month. 1t WASH t
a fight between the flats and rounds,
bus q free-for-aL, and it lasted till
every man had relied down stairs
There was more black eyes and
skinned noses in Squan Creek for the
next four weeks than New York could
ever boast Of, and the hair and buttons
DIDN'T stop flying around the streets
until after the first fail of snow No
effort was ever made to resurrect the
GebaJin' society. All fe.t that If they
couldn't agree on the shape Of the
earth they surely couldn't agree on
anything clEc They went back TO Dan
Parker's grocery Of an evening and sat
around on tAe counters and barrels
and boxes. and the lies they had tod
before were only yarns in comparison
to those they told afterwards. The
first evening Deacon Spooner got out
and come down, Bill SEaffer told lie
about being cast away in the Polar re-
giors for seven .sS1 years. l. was a
beautiful lie-slek, slick ard full Of
juice. and when ID was finished the
Deacon c,asped his hands together.
raised his fearful eyes 10 the ceiling
and said:
How good. and how ike old times.
l did think a debatin' society would
be a good thing TO lift us up and send
MS forward on the wave Of progress,
but we don't need it, We can outlie
anything on the face Of the airth. and
we don't care a kuss whether the
word is round or fiati"
Copyright, 1895 by the Interna tionai
Literary and News service.)
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09

and wrecks, and every man Will be on
mis- mettle TO tell bigger he than any
body else. 1t amt the thing 10 do, Abe
Cosgrove. and you know it amt"
ITS kinder pleasant to hear folks
lie" says Abe as a smile rests on MS
face.
Yes. 1 know, and we like TO lie our
selves. but it amt human progress. Sit
tin around a one-hoss grocery and
tellin' lies amt calculated TO put this
town on no pinnacle. Pears TO me the
time has come when we orter git above
slch things"
What shall we do, Deacon?'
1--WE thought it all over, and it
pears to me that we orter git up a de-
batin' society. We can call up all sorts
of questions and talk and argue, and
l guess we'll learn sunthln from 1t.
Abe thought the plan q GOOD one,
and he and the Deacon went TO talk
in with Others and the result was that
a debatin society was organized. III
took in about every man in Squan
Creek. and on the night the first meet
in was held good share OF the crowd
had combed their hair for the first
time in four weeks. Deacon Spooner
was elected President as a reward for
bringin' out the idea, and when the
machinery was in order he rose up and
said:
1--WE will now proceed TO introduce
question and debate it. | think we'd
better begin way back at first princi-
ples and work up sorter gradually. In
that way nobody will run the risk Of
bein' suddenly paralyzed. We will be-
gin with the world. I've heard say
that it was round, and I've heard say
that 1t was fat. AS I've never been
further than Philadelphia my mind is
not fully made up. Them as thinks
the world is round will speak first"
Moses Simpson was the first man to
speak. He said he used to believe the
world was fat until he made a trip
out west After gettin' a hundred miles
from Squan Creek he noticed that his
feet kept slippin' ard that 1t was hard
to stand up straight, and by the time
he reached Buffalo he was lockiH
around for life lines to hang on to. he
continued on as far as Toledo, but thefe
got so frightened that he turned am
came home He believed that IL II
had gone a hundred miles further Id
would have rolled OF into space. HI
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09

to poetry. mailed poem to a maya
zine and received check for SIS and
an order for second idyl. Instead Of
mailing IT / carried it in. The result
was what might have expected. The
editor said he wasn't publishing chill
dren's magazine, and that I'd better
serd my stuff to some juvenile pub,ica-
ton. 1t was the same thing when !
turned to prose. wrote a story about
the big trees of California, and the
editor looked from the story to me and
laughed like the hyena he was and
said the Inconsistency was too vivid.
His advice was that / write of cur
rant bushes. Oh, yes-oh, yes, I've
been through it and am nearing the
end! AS a sawed-off man I've fought
the world and been downeG, and it's
no use to kick against fate. This
morning l had a little CLEAN of sun
shine and almost decided to live on.
l was drawn on the jury, same as any
other man. l haven't shown up yet,
and don't know what sort of a wei
come I'll get from the Judge, but in
serving me with the notice the con-
stable didn't even grin. | was pat
ting myself on the back over this when
| took the car to come down. | handed
the conductor a nickel and turned
away, but he thrust two cents at me
and said: Only half fare for children
ON this roue.' And now, strand
now what do you say to all this?
Would you continue to live on as a
sawed off man, or would you end it all
in sweet oblivion?"
well, sonny began the other, as
he stared at tine billboard across the
street, but the sawed-off man threw up
his hands and shouted:
There you go-there you go! You
call me sonny in place of sir or mis-
teri! You wouldn't dare do that if l
was six feet high and weighed $50
pounds. No, sir, you wouldn't.
Put see here, kid, l want to"
kid! Kid"
"Well, youngster, give me a show. l
was going to say that"
"stop, l might have known that it
would happen when we first started if.
There is no show for a sawed-off man
on this earth. It is the end. Good
night and good-bye.'
Ard the little man started Off into
the night, and grew smaller and
smaller by degrees, until he had reach
ed ,ahe end Of the block and vanished
entirely from sight. And the tall man
watched him until it became nothing,
and then smiled at the billboard and
whispered:
THAT peppery little cuss ought to
be spanked and put to bed
Copyright. 1898, by the international
Literary and News Service)
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09
The SAWED-OFF MAN.
He Doesn't Get Fair Show in This World
of Tall Ones

DO you know, sir-do you know
that I'm seriously contemplating sui
cide?" said the sawed-off man, as he
put his back to the front wall Of the
postoffice and got a brace Of his feet
to hold him there
What sorrowfuh thing has hap
pened?" was asked.
Nothing special. It's simply the
continuation Of a sorrow that came
with my birth. I've got tired Of being
a sawed-off man and want a change.
For thirty years I've been trying to
bear up under it and deceive myself.
but I've got to open my eyes whether
l want to or not. A sawed-off man is
simply n G. in this world, and the
sooner he gets out OF it the happier he
will be-"
What has mans height 10 do with
joys ard sprrows?" Queried the other.
Everything sir-eyerything. If you
were a sawed-off man you would not
ask that question. You would have
been made to realize, almost from your
birth, that height means more than
riches. I cant remember what hap
pened up to my first birthday, but
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09
FLAT OR ROUND.
Jep Jones Tells How the Squan Creek
Folks Debated the Question.

,Jep Jones Tells How the Squan Creek
Folks Debated the Question.
One day Deacon Spooner met Abra-
ham Cosgrove as the latter was COM
ing UP from the fishin' dock. and after
the Deacon had told about bein' seized
with cholera morbus in the night and
received a proper amount Of sympathy,
he said:
Look here, Abraham, sunthin' Or
ter be done to kinder stir our folks
up"
That's just what I was thinkin' Of
this mornin'," says Abe.
Its comm on fall and long evenin's,
ard you know what the program win
be- For six evenin's in the week about
forty of us will gather at Parker's gro
Gerry and talk about sharks and whales
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09
INDIANS AS HOTEL WATERS. \
Experience OF a Tavern In Small Town
OF Nebraska.


"Apropos OF Indians as walters" said
the social travelling man, Il dare say tho
students from Indian colleges will do lrst
rate. but have in mind the time when IL
was tried in Nebraska in a small town
on the Missouri bottoms, and In a way
that was not altogether satisfactory ia
the guests who were waited on"
Were you one OF them7" asked tho reps
resentative OF plano house.
mo, but / was at the little river tavern
where # was tried. The girl walters had
all left for new. big hotel that WAS TO be
opened in the next town, and the land-
lord had TO do the waiting himself and
then he thought Of the Indians at tho
reservation and went and hired four %
them They didn't get around until break
fast was over the next Gay--an Indian
doesn't have any idea OF time--and there,
was only one man who hadn't eaten. Hs
was a drummer for a New York clothing
house. and the biggest GROWER In sixteen
counties"
you take this order, jim said tho
landlord 10 the man he had been drilling.
Put this bill Of fare under his nose, give
him a glass OF ice water and may tho
Lord have mercy on your soul
Indians arc NOT as slow as they seem.
and this was one OF the wickedest bucks
on the reservation He managed 70 get
the order all right and carried It In and
served II. and then, towel on arm, ho
stood at the back Of the guests chair. ~
he had been instructed TO DO. But tha
drummer was ugly ana surly and swore
a big. round Of oaths that he would have
no Indian in his
At this the grim statue at the back
whipped out savage DIRK from his store
accoutrements, and, holding II over ths
head OF the grumbling guest, he said. with
consistent Indian brevity. aeceutuated By
a Choctaw swear word: You eats
And eat he did. fesh and fowl, not dar-
ing to move a muscle. while the arm OF
fate held the murderer's knife within al
inch OF his visage And It was not unit
he had eaten everything tn sight that n
dilemma was discovered. and he was res
cued In a state yerginI on collapse.
THAT particular guest was never again
heard to complain bat the trial OF Ipdaans
as walters ended then ard there. their
methods being quite too original, or abor-
iginai for practical application. New
York Evening Post.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09
THE B0WsERs' TROUBLES.
1t Makes Quite a Difference Which One of
the Two Is Sick.

1t Makes Quite a Difference Which One of
the Two Is Sick
When Mr.. Bowser came home the
sther evening and found his wife lying
On the lounge with bandage around
her head, he was sorry for her, OF
course-just as sorry as the average
husband And, like the average hus-
band, he stood and glared at her for a
moment and then blurted out:
well, I've been looking for 1t every
day for year past, and it's here at
last! Finally got yourself fiat down,
eh?"
Its nothing" she family replied.
ooh! 1t isn't? Nothing for wife to
flop down and upset the whole house,
/ suppose! Well, I've been looking for
some sort of a racket, SO I'm not sur
prised. Mrs. Bowser, it's a wonder to
me that you or any other woman In
this town is out OF her coffin"
''It's only-only headache, dear.
Eyes, only a headache, but what do
headaches lead to? If you are not
dead woman before Saturday night you
may consider yourself lucky. Didn't
warn you not to sit in draught-not
to wear thin shoes-not to eat too much
truck? Little good it does to talk to
a woman. She'd go her own way if
she knew it must end in a broken neck.
If men were as reckless as your sex
the country would go to the dogs"
"One can't help feeling bad occa-
sionally," she replied as she got up to
wet the bandage around her head
ooh, they can't, Ell? Mrs. Bowser,
look at me. When am I ever ailing?
When do you hear me complain?
Never, And why is it? Because.
madamie-because l don't cram my
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1898-10-09
HER FUNCTION,

Crabshaw-A jealous wife is Of no
use in this world.
Mrs. Crabsh2w-I don't agree with
you. my dear She enables the plain
typewriter to get job.-St- Louis Post
Dispatch.