The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1898-06-21
MIR. DOOLEY HAS AN IDEA.
Would Arm the Mules and Send Them
to Cuba.
[From the Chicago Journal

TO CuDa-
TFrom the Chicago Journal,]
ST see," said Mr.. Dooley, eth first
gr-reat land battle iv tn war has been
fought
where was that?" demanded Mr..
Hennessy in great excitement. Lord
save us, but where was that?'
9TH Alger guards" said Mr.. Dooley
"bruk firm tn coral where they had
thin tied up atm thistles an med a
desperate charge on tn camp at Tam
pa. They dayscinded like a whur-rl-
wind, dhrivin' tn asthonished throops
befure thin an thin charged back
again, completin' their earned iv des-
thruction. AT tn las account tn brave
sojers was climbin' threes an tillygraft
poles an a rig'mint iv mules was kick
in tn pink silk linin' out iv tn officers
quartherS. TIL gallant mules was led
be a most courageous jackass, an it's
undhersthud that me frind Mack will
appint him a brigadier-gin-ral jus as
soon as he can find out who his father
is. Ills too bad he'll have no chiIdher
to perpituate tn fame iV him. He
wint through tn camp at tn head
iv his throops iv mules without castin'
a shoe. He's tn biggest jackass in
Tampa today, not ixciptin' tn cinSor,
an doubt if they'se bigger wan in
Wash'n'ton, though I could name a few
that cud thry a race with him. Amy
how, they'll know how to reward him.
They know a jackass when they see
wan, and they see a good many in that
peaceful city.
''Th' charge iv Tampa'n go into his
thry as tn first land action iv tn war.
An, be TIN way, Hinnissy, if this here
sociabIe is FIR to go on at tn prisint rate,
I'm sthrOng to arm tn wild ARMY
mules an tn unbridled jackasses iV tn
pe-rary an give thin achanst to set
Cuba free. Up to this time tn only
hero kilt on tn Spanish side was a
a n n
batthries at Nationals FIR to hear what
was gofn' on. Behold says Sampson,
Form in line iv battle an hur-rl
death an destruction at yon Castilyan
ginraL' Wait, says an officer. 1t
may be wan iv our own men. 1t looks
commander. Tt can't be an American
jackass, or he'd speak, he says. Fire
on him.. Shot after shot fell round tn
INTREPID ass, but he remained firm till
tn dinnymite boat Vesoovyus fired three
hundred an forty thousand pounds iv
gum cotton at him, and tn poor crather
was smothered to death. Now, says I.
give these Tampa mules a chanst,p an
We'll have no need iV wastin' ammun-
milton. Properly led, they'd go firm
wan end iv Cuba to tn other, kickin'
tn excelsior out iv livery stuffed Span
fsh gin'ra1 firm Bahoohoo, Hoondoo to
Sandago de Cuba They'd be no loss iv
life. TIL sojers who haven't gone away
and come home an get cured iV
tn cholera infantum befure tn public
schools opens in tn fall, an Everything
would be peaceful an quiet an pros
p'rous TIL officers in thu field at pris-
int is well qualified FIR command iv tn
new army, an if they'd put binders
tn mules they Wuden't be scared
back be wan iv thin Spanish fleets that
a jackaSS sees whin he's been up all
night, secretly stuffin' himself with silo.
They'd give wan hew-haw an follow
their leaders through the hear-rt iv tn
Al, IL
wurrud to git ap an they'd ate their
thistles undher tn guns iv some OF
MORO castle before night.
Eye don't see tn diff renee, says We.
They amt amy iv tn leaders. AS eff
fcient a lot iv mules as iver exposed
their ears. TIL trouble is with tn
rank an file. They're men. What's
needed to carry on this war as it goes
today is an ARMY iv jacks an mules.
Whin We say to a man: Git ap, whoa,
gee, back up, get alangi' he don't know
what ye're dhrivin' at or to. But a
mule hears tn ordhers with a melan-
choly smile, dhrops his ears, an follows
his war-rm, moist breath TIL ordhers
firm Washin'ton is perfectly compre
hinSible to a jackasS, but they don't
name anything to a, poor, foolish man.
No human bein', Hinnissy, can dndher-
stand what the divvil use it was to
sink a ship that cost two hundred
thousan' dollars an was worth at Taste
eighty dollars in Sandago harbor if we
have to keep fourteen ships outside to
praV1nt nVe spanish SfnpS IT m Sa1lln.
TIL poor, tired human mind don't tum-
bic, Hinnissy, to tn rayson FIR landin'
four hundred marines at GuanoIommy
to clear tn forests WI1in Havana is liv-
in free on hot tamales an ice cream.
TIL mind iv a DemOstheens or a Tim
Hogan would be crippled thry1n' to
figure out why throops ar-re sint out
firm Tampa an thin ordered back
through a spealin' chube while wan iv
tn new brigadeer-gin'ralS has his
hands manicured an says good-by to
his nurse. But it ought to be as plain
to tn mule that hears it as If is to tn
jackasses that gets it up. What we
need. Hinnissy, is a perfect undher-
standin' between tn ARMY an tn adj
ministhration. We need what Hogan
calls tn esphrite tn corpse, an We'll
| on'y have it whtn tn mules begins to
move"
IT should think" says M. Hennessy.
now that TIL jackasses has begun to
| be onaiSy@"
1--WE ought to be afraid tn cabinet an
| TIL board iv sthrateejy III be stamped
| ~" Mr.. Dooley interrupted. ''Niver
| fear. They're too near TIL fodder. Ye