The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1897-09-01
Vinegar and Turpentine.

IL Is great sport TO edit newspaper In
n town like Burlington where, for pc
cuniary reasons, police protection i
not spread all over the place like mush
rooms. IL is more fun than chewing
tobacco or swinging in a hammock with
a beautiful silly girl who wants to talk
dress, lawn tennis and boys all the
time. 1t is more fun than seeing "Un.
Gle Toms Cabin" walloped over the
stage by home talent. IL is more fun
than having a carbuncle. IL is more
than most anything.
The other day an awful looking man
entered the sanctum. He was six feet
high, four inches thick, and had a crop
of sun-burned whiskers that would
have made good adornment for a
NEUROLOGICAL god. He was mad.
Every second or so he spat out chunks
of froth like lava from the volcano
Vesuvius
"Are you the dod-derned galoot what
runs this paper? he demanded in a
voice that had evidently been dug out
of a prehistoric cemetery aud turned
up on the grindstone.
Tie man at the desk quietly opened
drawer that contained some stones,
brick bats and chunks of scrap-iron,
and sweetly replied that he was the in
dividual.
'Then you are the all-fired skunk,
the dOd- blasted weasel, the ram JAM
med, halfhatched turkey-buzzard that
| am lookin' for; 1 want-I want"
"Want TO pay your bill?" suggested
the editor, "let me see-your name is
Smith; all right, Smithy, 2S years at
sl.50 year, makes just"
al want to know if you are the SON
of gun who put that piece in the Ga
zette about equal parts of vinegar and
turpentine spread on cows would keep
the flies ofl!''
'Yes, oh, yes" replied the man at
the desk eagerly, chow did she work?''
The memory Of il made the man
madden. He began TO fro.h at the
mouth grit his scantily-located moiars,
wave his hands and stamp his feet.
The newspaper man sow visions of
grim death from apoplexy.
'How did it work, How did il
work. he screeched out in regular To-
comotive style, at worked beautifully,
most d ID beautifully! / read that
thing in your cussed paper, and havin'
more pesky flies than my cows could
kick off in a month, | concluded to try
it. made whole barrel, and when
the boy brought the cows up for milk
ing, / just took n tree sprayer and
squirted them all full of it from head
to tail, bull, billygoat and all"
"Syell, Well! Well what do you sup
pose? 1t took that turpentine
about minute TO get down to
business. The cows squirmed, twisted
and beloved; the bull started to hook
everything in sight, and the billygoat
just butted the barn, spit, sputiered
and bleated like mad. Then they all
jumped over the barnyard fence at
lick, and with heads up and tails
switehin' they ripped through the
corniield, across the medder into the
woods and guess they are going yet.
| hain't seen 'ein or got any milk
since, and I'm going to sue this paper
To recover damagesr'
''Did it keep the flies orr" anxiously
asked the man at the desk.
keep 'em of! Why gol darn your
ugly tripe, there amt a fly on earth
that could keep up with them cows the
way they were going after they jump
ed out of the barnyardr'
The lank farmer ordered his paper
stopped, spat a quart of tobacco juice
on the door, and left the Office with a
General Weyler air, while the man at
the desk commenced an article on
1.-The Vagaries of Human Existence"