The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1897-06-02
SOME KANSAS LIES.
BREEZY TALES OF DRoUTH,
FLOOD AND TORNADO.
Samples Of What Kansas Liars and
Liars About Kansas Can Do When
They Turn Themselves Loose.

e least. But, for instance: If one of the
0 gentle zephyrs of Kansas become ag-
4 gravated and gets an extraordinary
move on itself for brief period. Kan
sas has had cyclone, destroying life
, and property galore; if a hot wind
; strikes one corner of township in a
E county in one corner of the state, the
I crops of the entire state have been de-
2 stroyed by hot Winds" if the rivers are
the least bit swollen, western Kansas
is Inundated" if the western part of
the state lacks some moisture 1t is
so dry all over the state that you have
to run your we'll through a wringer to
get enough water to cook with" If the
state is favored with an average crop
| or better, I'VE have raised enough to
feed the world" if the crops fall below
the average, the people are on the
verge OF starvation"
And so it goes; Kansans are always
having trouble.
No one more fully appreciates that
such stories are accepted by many
strangers as virtually truthful incl
dents of the life in the Sunfower state
than Mr.. F. D. Coburn, secretary of
her department of agriculture, who has
for years been making a collection of
such as seemed to best illustrate the
type of joke always in order when
Kansas is mentioned. 1t requires two
large envelopes to hold them. and as
samples of the truly artistic in lie MAX
ing ne rates the following as among the
highest:
Here is an example of what a Kan
sas tornado can do, or what a Kansas
liar can do, wnen forced to il: A farm
er had a large crib filed with ear
corn and there was a knot hole in the
south end of the crib. II was struck
by a tornado. and it is claimed that
! the suction was so great that cob af-
ter cob was drawn through the knot
| hole and the farmer was left with
] crib of shelled corn
Several stories which the reader can
or cannot believe. just as he sees fit,
were started after the Seneca tornado
! TWO years ago, had violated the state
{ law in reference to the malicious de-
/ struction of property and departed for
! parts unknown. Probably the best one
was this: A man was riding along on
horseback with a jug of whisky tied
! with strap to the saddle horn. After
the blow had ceased. the Jug handle
was forced inside the jug and the strap
was sticking out of the nozzle, the jug
having been blown inside out without
sDilling a drop of liquor.
During this same blow a goat hap
pened to get in the road and had his I
hair blown off, leaving his hide as
clean as a skinned banana. This ami /
NAL looked so much like a Mexican /
dog with horns that he was placed on /
exhibition.
Another caper which this tornado cut /
was TO blow the side whiskers off I
travelling man and plant them on the /
side Of woman's face, where they /
continue to grow.
Here is another pretty fair one: 4 :
farmer was blowing around an oblong
patch of ground one day and al night /
the tract of unplowed land still con-
tanned about five acres. When he quit
for the day he left the Diow sticking
in the furrow, as farmers often do. The
tornado came along and caught the
pillow. taking it around and around the
land" until ii was all Dlowed.
A kansan abroad recently found a
crowd that did not seem to appreciate
his conversation concerning the con-
splracy of the foreign capitalists to
compel the PoDulist farmers of Kan
sas to pay their honest debts, so he
pulled out his stock of tornado stories.
hoping to attract attention.
L saw a cyclone once" said he.
that picked up strawStack and
moved it mile and put it back, straw
on straw, as it was"
Two or three of the auditors yawned
and the Kansas man tried it again.
Another time" said he, Il saw a
twister suck 60 gallons OF mOlasses out
of barrel in front of grocery store
and distribute it to every family in
town who had a bucket on the hack :
step for the milk man" t
He cleared his throat and began !
again:
Back in the '7O's we had a terrible l
cyclone in western Kansas. 1t blew the
cracks out of the fences. pulled a els
tern out OF the ground, moved a town.
ship line and changed the day of the
week.
This last fusillade induced one of the
listeners to speak up. He said: Il do
not know much about cyclones, but :
once when | was at sea l saw a water )
spout pick up tons and tons of water
and carry ii mile. and
Hold on!' cried the Kansan. IF you
are going to degrade this conversation 7
to the level of a common lying contest
| Will retire" And he got up and
walked away pompously.
Another man with an unblushing face
told this story and expected people to
believe it:
Il was out in Kansas last summer in
The first cyclone, of course. 1 went down
in the cellar, like other folks. The
house was soon blown away. The :
next thing L knew the cell
lar went, too, rolling over and
over like silk hat. l was soon spilled
nut. With infinite labor ! crawIed back
n the teeth of the wind, intending to 3
axe refuge in the hole the cellar came Z
'ut of. To my CONSERVATION, l found
hat that had blown away also"
A prominent Kansan is accredited
with telling this:
Tell you what's a fact, I have
Known it to blow L days and nights on
stretch and hold a sheep uD against
he side of the barn until he starved
o DEATH n
Probably the story which better illus
rates the position of the Populist
armer in Kansas than any told in re-
ent years is this:
Kansas man Visiting in the east0
Yes, sir, Kansas is the country for the
anmerS. Look at her vast prairies COW
red with crops so heavy that they r
make whole counties sink down in the
middle. Look at her corn crop, so vast
hat it crowded township lines into the !
liver. D
Same Kansas man Cat the Populist
leeting in his own neighbcrhood). Eel y
wv sufferers-Dry weather, Hessian
les and goldbugs prey like vampires
n our state. Our once fair state is .,
lastered over with mortgages so -
eavy that we have to bore hole
Trough them with an augur in order -
D plant corn. Rouse, we slavesl /
A country editor not far from Sum-
lerfield, just after receiving a cord of
God and a big supply of vegetables -
q subscription. dipped his pen in the -
TX and dashed off: When you talk
bout there being a better state than |
.ansas. every potato winks its eye, ev-
" beer gets red in the face every
MON gets stronger, every oat field is -
rocked, the rye strokes its beard, the :
,rn pricks uD its ears and every foot n