The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1897-04-22
THE LIMEKILN CLUB.
BROTHER GARDNER DISCOVERS THAT
GOODNESS DOES NOT PAY.


Thompson, an Esteemed Member of the
Club--The Happy Medium to strike.
"My frens," said Brother Gardner as he
motioncd to Samuel Shin to raise an alley
window and lock the doors, sit Is wild
mingled fcelin's of pleasure and sorrow DAT
l announce to you de death of de Hon.
Comeback Thompson, who has bin mem
Der of dis Limckiln club fur de past ten
Vars. feel to rejoice a he am through
wild life's trubblcs an h, $,wine to better
land, an l sorrow dat he didn't hev bet
ter time doorin his sojourn on airth.
"Brudder Thompson was II good man in
all dat dc term implies, an dat dc reason
he was glad to go when death called him.
An experience Of 60 vars had proved to
him dat goodness didn't pay per cent on
de capital invested. l knowed him fur
ober 80 Vars an knowed all his pecooliar-
titles. Doorin his lifetime he lent to his
frens an nayburs 400, 2S7 umbrellas, an he
nebber got but two of 'ein back, an dat
was by accident Fur 20 vars he libbed
next doah to a woodward an nebber stole n
splinter, an yit de woodward man wouldn't
eben send a bunch of roses to his funeral.
He flggered up dat in fo'ty vars he lost
72O, 600 watermillyons from his garden, an
yit no man was ginerous huff to leave de
rinds behind to feed de pig. He nebber
lent his wheclbarrer dat it ddn t git broke,
an he nebber lent his crowbar dat he didn't
hev n lawsuit to git it back.
eff he lent So, de pusson who borrowed
it allus run away or got struck by light
min. If he borrowed dollar, de lender
allus jumped on him wild boat feet to git it
back. If Brudder Thompson ever got
ready to go to u circus or a picnic, some
naybur got kicked by II mewl or run ober
by a street kyar, an de ole man would sac
rifice his pleasure to act as nurse and con-
soler. Oar was hole in de sidewalk in
front of his house, an fur 20 y 'ars he hung
lantern on his gate to warn pedestrians
agin de peril. Not only was he laughed
at fur his pains, but de lantern was stolen
so often dat de ole man had to go widout
Eaters and sugar to buy new ones. People
who stole dc cowcumbers from his leetle
garden an got case of de collie had de
cheek to send to his house fur remedies,
an mo- dan Ii different families used his
washbo'd, his 1atirons an his fine comb.
AS II good mana man who wanted to do
de squar' thing by his teller man-Brud-
der Thompson was at de head of de pur-
ceshun. Nebber in all dc Vars knowed
him did he cease doin good or utter one
him.
IAN de odder day he was called home.
One of de last things he did was to lend a
naybur his washtub an clothes bars, an de
ole man was skassly dead befo' dat naybur
traded de things off fur a yaller parrot
which was bin in one eye Only three or
fo pussons wisisted him doorin his illness,
an one keeridge held all de mourners dat
followed him to his grave. Jest bcfo' we
lief de house fur de sad journey u man ar
rove fur dc purpose of borrowin dc cook
stove fur week or two, an when he
EARNED dat Brudder Thompson was dead
he also wanted to borrow de back doah an
two beds. Takin not only dis case. but
my own experience an dat of others, | am
free to say to yo' dis evcnin dat goodness
don't pay. 1t am my serus an airnest adj
vice to yo' not to be too good. Dere amt
any money in it. Dere amt any gratitood
in it. Dere amt any satisfackshun in it.
Bein too good means comm down from
roast beef an sweet 'taters to mighty
thin porridge an crust coffee Be good up
to u sartin pint, but nebber go beyond it.
If naybur sends yo' a free ticket to a
cakewalk, yo' kin reciprocate by sending
him pound of dried apples, but stop
right thar. If yo' should send him a $40
| as u soft snap. In de Vars gone by took
Brudder Thompson as an example an tried
to be as good as he was. 1t didn't take
me but three months to diskiver dat l was
gallopin to de poorhouse. If borrowed n
dollar of a friend, he turned around an
aXed fur loan of FIVE If l told a man
believed in his honor, he got my money an
l got his word. If l accepted pumpkin
pie from naybur, l soon found dat he
wanted to borrow my mewl fur week to
make even. l had to quit bein too good
or lib on roots.
"Don't be too good an don't be too bad
Oars u happy medium which yo' kin
strike if yo' fgger leetle. went to
work to figger, an 1 think I've got it,
| "If yo' want to trade nevis wild a man.
allus fix it so dat he'll cum to yo' fust
In dat case he won't be half so apt to look
fur spavins on yo'r mewl.
II nebber beat u church out o. my pew
rent, but five pennies will make mo- clat-
ter on de contribushun plate dan $40 bill
"If yo' hev n ole hoe an yor naybur has
a new shovel, allus be de fust to offer to
lend.
Ode higher rates of interest yo' charge a
man who wants to borrow money de
| quicker yo' kin discourage him from doin
bizness outside de banks.
eff yo want to buy of man, wait till
he am lard up an am obleeged to sell If
yo' am hard up an want to sell, doan let
anybody know it.
BE seen at church cherry Sunday as a
rule, but if dar am any money to be picked
| up around circus or IL boss race don't let
muffin keep yo' away.
81 don't advise yo' to bet or play poker,
but if yo' win $25 on presidenshul leck-
shun or de same amount on TO- aces it's a
heap better to put it in de bank dan to glib
it back to de man who lost it,
''If my milkman should glib me dime
too much in maxim change, l should re-
turn de overplus to him, but If l should
find de wallet of capitalist on de side
walk l should consider dat was ahead OF
de game.
If de street kyar conductor holds out
his hand to me, pay my fare, but If he
overlooks me 1 am "a nickel ahead
81 wouldn't buy cOunterfeit money Ia