The record-union., 1897-12-15
HUMOR OF THE DAY.

And" We're the concluding words OF
the professors lecture to the medical
students. do not promise too much
I knew a physician OF real ability who
covered himself with ridicule and OBJ
loquy by promising a patient, whose
legs he had just amputated, that he
would have him on has feet within two
weeks. s."-Cincinnati Enquirer.
You should never say sweets to the
sweet, when you offer a girl refresh
ments," said Huggins to Kissam.
What should 1 say?"
'An ice to a nice girl Louisville
Courier-Journal.
Maud-What do you think of Miss
High-Note's singing? It's entirely by
ear.
Claud-Well, l was wondering how
she managed to make such a frightful
noise with her mouth.-Town Topics.
Minister (to tipsy man coming out
of saloon)-My dear friend, you'll regret
this some day.
Tipsy Man-Yes; I'll regret it in less
than ten minutes. I'm going home TO
my wife.-Harlem Life.
Billionby-Take care of the cents
Lightburn-And your children will
Life.
Bobby, dear. did you know the stork
came and left you a dear, little baby
brother last night?"
Rats. 1 wish the old thing had left
me a bicycle"-Cycling Gazette.
Angry Mother-IIow dare you tell
your father that he is stupid, Go at
once and say that you are sorry.
Little Willie I'm awfully sorry
you're stupid, papa!-New York Jour
nal
Peacock feathers and shells are con-
sidered unlucky, are they not?" in
quired the lady who is writing a book
on superstitions.
Il dunno about peacock feathers be-
in unlucky," replied Mrs Corntossel,
but i knows shells is. because last
week Josiar lost $11 in a game that
was played with EN- - Washington
Star
Yes" said the engaged girl, George
is very methodical. He gives me one
kiss when he comes and two when he
goes away"
That's always been his way" re-
turned her dearest friend. I've heard
Int of eri,.lc ;+
Thus it happened that they ceased to
speak to each other.-Chicago Post.
What two fruits go best together,
Miss Somergirl?" said Cholly Pierite, as
they bent their steps in the direction of
the rocks.
Il don't know" replied the sweet one,
unsuspectingly. What is the best COM
bination?'
Why, date with peach, of
course returned Cholly, with the air
of a man who was making the hit -ot
his life and he knew it-Town Topics.
Did you ever get even with that girl
that took your job in the ofice?"
You may judge for yourself I mar
rfed her she holds the job, and there is
only one of us that ever does a stroke
of work. Detroit Free Press.
Il suppose your wife belongs to the
usual charitable societies in the
church?''
II don't know. She belongs to some
uncharitable societies in the church,
Detroit Journal.
THAT man Davis is clearly not fit to
be a father
''Why?"
His child is a week and half old
aad he hasn't expressed the belief that
it recognizes him. Chicago News.
You two attorneys look like broth
ers," said the client to the partners in
a law firm.
But we are not" replied one.
No" added the other, I'VE are only
brothers in law."-Detroit Free Press.
Thoughtful Mother-You really must
not have any more of that cake, John
ny. You can't sleep on a full stom
ach.
Reckless Son-Well, ma, can lie on
my back.-Spare Moments.
Father-Tommy, stop pulling that
cats tail.
Tommy-Im only holding the tail;
the cats pulling it.-Tit- Bits.
Tomson-I thought you didn't like
B.ownson.
Johnson-I don't
Tomson-You gave his boy a birthday
present.
Johnson-Yes-a drum. - Up-to-Date.
"I understand YOU ministers marry