The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1897-05-25

T0PRN\N
The Major Is Still In The Ring--TrOubled
with Agents, Chintz. Bugs And Potato
Bugs--Some Of His Experiences With
Frauds.
B.-"Hellol Mr.. Editor"
R.-"Hellol Major. / 6ud that you
are still in the ring. Neither war,
famine nor pestilence a drag you
away from your ~favorite' position
running for Office"
B.-"You are karect. I'm rite on
hand if anything happens. Ihaint bin
a married man thirty years without
havin' sum experience, an its purity
hard ter exsite me. I've bin tacklin'
the Spring crop ov agents an I haint
killed nobody an haint got killed, but
I don't know how long I can say that.
They are comm az thick az grasshop-
pers. I've had a round with the light
MIN rod fellows, the sewin' machine
men, them sellin' fruit trees, patent
CA4GASg 5@ONC6y 4OOAS 04 SNSGCA SAS
condiments. I wanted ter buy sum
ov awI ov 'em bat Betsy il a Populist
an has curious ideas, so l didn't buy
much. She says it il sartin' that
agents haulin' things Ground the coun-
try charge at least one third more, an
sumtimes twice az much az the mer-
chants charge fer the same article, an
frequently agents doirsud you in the
quality ov goods. But, ov course,
that liz awl POpulist theorizin' an don't
count much with me. The lightnin'
rod fellers tried nifty hard to git me
an the other deacons at Grassy Greek
church ter buy lightnin' rods. fer the
church. Betsy found it out before we
could git the rods put up an started a
regular syclone. She wanted ter know
if Grassy Creek church isn't the Lords
house. We had ter own up that it il
Then she wanted ter know what sense
they wuz in buyin' lightnin' rods ter
protect the Lords property. She said
the Lord could knock the whole church
an q thousand ligntnin' rods clear
through the earth to China with one
flash ov lightnin', if he wanted to do
50, an sed she thought the asylum wuE
q proper place fer us to 60. OF course
that wuz Populist doctrine, and you
don't hev ter beleev it, if you don't
want to. Wuz erbout ter buy 1928
clock frum an agent the other day,
but Betsy in5erterred. She said the
same clock could be bought in Raleigh
for $6. But / like ter be humbugged.
I didn't use ter wait fer EN- ter cum to
me, I went Ground huntin' SUM teller
ter humbug me now n then. A few
years ego 1 read an advertisement
frum q teller up in Connecticut whut
offered ter send a receipt ter keep a
pump frum freezin' an Dustin in the
winter. I sent him q dollar bill an he
wrote me ter take the pump in the
house an keep 1t by q good hickory
fire every cold mite. Another teller
up in New Jersey advertized a recipe
ter keep horses frum slobberin' after
eatin' clover. I sent him so cents an
he wrote me ter learn my horses ter
spit. I seed in a paper where a Chi
cago man would send a patent fire
escape fer a dollar. Ne an Betsy wuz
sleepin' up stairs an I began ter think
erbout how we would git down if the
whole lower part ov the hOuse should
be a burnin' sun mite before we wake
up. 1 sent the dollar, an in erbout a
week I got a small copy ov the New
Testament, worth erbout % cents at a
book store. But I'm still in the ring.
like te git humbugged now and then.
Life wouldn't be wurth livin' if I
didn't. G~udebye."