Vilas County news. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1896-1927, 1897-05-10
HUMOROUS ITEMS.

Dollie-"Was it quiet spot where
you kissed Mollie?'
Chollie-"No; it was on the mouth. -
! Yonkers Statesman.
! ''How do you stand on this irrepressi
| BILE financial question, Chumpley ~
.'Sorry,. old man. but I can't spare you
| a cent today."-Detroit Free Press.
sDingletop has not been happy with
any of his three wives; he says his life
has been a blank"
81 should think so-a sort of blankety-
blank blank. Chicago Record.
| The Colonel-'So poor old Mike has
committed suicide, has he? Well, /
should have thought that would have
been the last thing he'd have DONE"
Tenant (which it were, sor. -Tit-Bits.
By No Means.-Visitor (shivering)-
''Do you always have this kind of wealth
| er here in Aprilg Resident-"Not at
| all. sir. Sometimes we have this kind of
weather here in July."-Chicago Trib-
une.
Crusht-"After all, right doesn't al
| ways make might, does it?'
Frankman-"l don't know about that.
| The matrimonial rite seems to have
made mite of you. Dis
patch.
| About ten million cattle are now to be
found in the Argentine Republic. They
are said to be all descendants of eight
cows and one bull, which were brought to
Brazil in the middle of the Sixteenth
century.
| What the savage Turk particularly re-
scented was the intimation that his peO-
pie practiced polygamy in its worst form.
| Anyhow" he insisted, among us a
man never has to marry his wife's whole
| family. detroit Journal.
| Marie (the maid)-'You look charming,
Miss Penelope; I can tell you that as well
as the glass. Women were made before
mirrors, you know"
| Penelope-"Yes, and they have been be-
fore them ever since. '-Up-to-Date.
''The honeymoon said the solemn
boarder, sis treated with levity, when
really it is matter of much gravity"
"And the honeymoon bread suggested
the Cheerful Idiot, lis matter of much
specific gravity. "-Indianap Journal.
''They tell me that when you reached
the peroration of your lecture out at Jaze-
vile the audience arose and cheered as
one man."
"Of course, he did. You couldn't OK
pect the fellow to divide himself, could
you ?"-Cincinnati Enquirer
| Ambitious Mamma-"Edith, noticed
last night that Mr.. De Rich paid you
considerable attention. | hope you
| showed him proper amount of civility."
Ingenious Debutante-"Oh yes, mamma,
I did! I'm sure he knows he can have
me for the asking Harlem Life.
II don't see why you consider your po-
| litical career a failure" said the man.
''My friend" said the citizen, with an
earnest sigh, II have been in politics for
| the prominence of being called Judas
| by the newspapers. "-Indianapolis Jour-
! nal.
Teacher-''When a woman's husband
dies, Patsy, what's she called?" M
Patsy-'sA wilder"
| Teacher-"And when mans wife
dies, what do we call him?"
| Patsy latter some thoughtful wild
out her, mum. Cincinnati Commercial
| Tribune.
| Remained to be Seen.-ssHey! shouted
the policeman, as the scorcher whizzed by
and failed to slow up at the corner, "ain't
you riding rather more than eight miles
an hour, young man?' Don't know
howled the scorcher over his shoulder;
| II haven't ridden an hour yet."-Cincin-
natl Commercial Tribune.
The Very Man!-The Reverend DIR.
| Thirdly-"And now, children, | wonder
| if any little boy or girl here knows who
| was the best man that ever lived. All,
| there's a hand up. Well, Johnny, who
was the best man that ever lived?''
Johnny Secondcrop-"Please, sir, it was
mammals first husband, sir. Judge.
| Mr.. Booce-'I saw a man get run
| over by the trolley this afternoon, and /
heard later that his leg had to be taken
off at the knee. Isn't it awful?"
| Mrs. Booce-"Yes, am sorry for the
poor man, but if he happens to have a
wife she can keep him at home nights
now by hiding his wooden leg. Oincin-
natl Enquirer.
Paddock "That man Ropes is n born
SPORT
| Haddock- Elbow do you make it out ~
| P.-"Didn't you hear him ask me if
had any change in my vest pocket?"
| H.-"Yes; a strike wasn't it?'
| P.-"Certainly; but he's too much of a
| sport to strike man below the belt
Yonkers Statesman.
cts tiresome," he remarked cyncally,
ito see people getting SO excited over a
circus It's the same old thing and
served Closely ventured his wife.
'Humph! I guess I ought to know what
I'm talking about. I've seen every one
that ever came here since | was six years
old. "-Washington Star.
With his usual good sense ex-President
Harrison answers the question: what
shall we do with out ex-presidents %
be suitably called to the presidency
says Gen. Harrison, The may suitably re-
| turn" A good thing for meddlesome per-
sons to do with ex-presidents is to let
them alone.-Topeka Times.
The Countess, having discharged her
coachman for drunkenness, was asked to
take the son of an old servant of the
house to supply his place. "But are you
sure you know how to drive, William p
she asked. "Why, of course, my lady
don't you rec'lect druv you to Rich
mond that day we was upset in the
road ?-Household Words.
No Amateurs for Him.
| A New York theatrical manager has i'll