The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1897-03-06
THE MOCK INAUGURATION.
East End Netilodists Inausurate a
President and Cabinet.

President and Cabinet.
( Those who went to the Thompson az.
enue N. +. Church on Thursday night
with the expectation of having a gooG
time were not disappointed. The pro
! gram was an interesting one and the
different performers acquitted them.
selves credita0Iy. The church was wrap
/ in blaze of light, and its silvery beam;
/ mingiing with the red, white and blue
/ of the flags and rejecting upon the rosy
/ cheeks Of the fair women and brave
men present, made quite pretty scene
Prof Wells presided at the piano and
! Rev. Tull acted as master of ceremonies
/ The different cabinet ministers occu.
/ pied seats on the platform, and were
presented in their turn to the audience
Their ladies occupied seats with the
! general public, as also did the thirteen
little girls representing the thirteen
original states, and Mrs. Cleveland.
The speeches of the cabinet ministers
were of humorous turn, and caused a
good deal Of merriment. Owing to lack
of space, however, we are only able to
give the speech Of the Secretary of the
| Navy.
Your Exceilencies. President and Mrs.
! Mckinley; office holders and Office
! seekers:
1t is with mingled feelings of pleasure
satisfaction and qualification that | ad-
dress you on this most august occasion.
My name is Long; my speech is short.
When your hOnored President may
his tariffs never grow Less rendered me
| the Secretarvship of the Navy, and
| presented me with the portfolio of that
| important office, | was surprised.
| My surprise was caused by the size
of the portfolio which was committed
10 my custody and keeping. Imagine
if YOU can my feelings when President
Mckinley ~LOng may his bill wave over
us handed me this volume taking from
his pocket little book about an inch
square, containing the complete records
and history of the United States Navy
up to the present time.
Since the date of the first entry in
this valuable book, great and manifold
changes and improvements have
marked the development of our Navy :.
inadequate fOrthe records of our navy's
glorious achievements during the bal
ance OF the century, this morning | in
vested fifteen cents in larger and more
suitable portfolio, trusting that the APP
preparation for same will come soon.
On the inside cover of my new Book
| have written as a guide in my admin
istratiou of oar naval affairs, few of
the chores which | intend viii fill up
the time OF our vessels when not other
wise engaged, maneuyerin1 in calm
seas, running Intellectual blockade lines
along our coasts, or attending naval
demonstrations IN our IauI-lOcked har-
/ borG.
| will make YOU acquainted with some
OF them. In the first place must quad
ripple our navy, and this is how l pro
pose to do it quickly ard easily.
Under the gold standard, we expect,
with ali confidence that the conditions
now existing between the nitcd States
and Great Britain viii be reversed; we
Will be the creditor nation of the world
and Great Britain Will be our greatest
debtor. or course it will take little
time to effect such q radical change as
this; we may not see this pleasing con
dltlOn Of affairs for two months vet, but
Just as soon as it IS possible, VIII push
the claims Of the United States against
| Great Britain, and force that patton
into bankruptcy, and order their effects
sold TO satisfy their creditors. 1t is at
this point that | Will rise TO my feet and
the occasion, and, with finger pointing
at the British Navy, LYING peacefully at
anchor on the Naval Backward at Ports
mouth, shall say to Congress in the
words OF the famous command Of Al
ciatthanktates the Terrible, Congress,
Buy me that" which they will do.
Until | shall have thus augmented
my navy, and reOrganiZei the crews, |
VIII order the entire feet into quarters
in the Nemadji river, for safety. In
the meantime. a barbed wire fence will
efficiently protect our coasts against
cnterprising blockade runners.
| conStrue the Monroh Doctrine to
mean that Uncle Sam las a perfect
right, title and interest to wipe of the
face Of the earth any nation which fails
to "Thumb& down" when Sam says so.
Consequently, as soon as my warships
are fitted out, | vii! order one half of
the fleet to Cuba to settle once and for
all the question OF Cuba's freedom and
the protection of American citizens in
foreign countries. II cannot, and will
not, stand another Ruiz MURDER The
other hall Will at once proceed to the
sea which laps TIE shore OF the land of
the ''ThrOned Assassin" with orders to
engage III naval combat with this AdmI
raj Powers, who, Judging by newspaper
headlines, has a great deal TO say in re-
gard to the attitude of Greece in the
Crete controversy.
The Texas for prudent reasons,
Will not be ordered into rough waters,
but will patrol Superior IIarbor, and
should Congress through any technical
ity of law be unable to compel the Du-
their bridge to footpassenyers, the Tex
as will lombard the structure, and ac-
compllsh with her guns what Congress
can't do With its wind.
Tomorrow | will order vessel built
which will be new departure In ship
Building. Should this experiment
prove successful, each of our coast cities
will be furnished with one or more of
these vessels, regardless of the objec-
tons of City Councils or other secret
societies.
These boats will be fully equipped as
tiretugs, and are expected to take the
place OF tirChalls in the cities where
they are stationed. Superior j. to have
the honor Of testing this novelty. The
principal innovation introduced into
a
entirely Of asbestos. and this excellent
feature will doubtless add greatly to
their efficiency rs hrchall5
My policy Will be, in regard to the
navy, that ''alI pav and no work makes
Jack 4 dull boy" therefore, IN al cases
where Congress waivers or procras:.n
ates, or an important measure of inter
national moment fails 10 receive the at
tention i deserves. on the slightest
nrctcXt, | shall step in with my shot
and shell, powder and propeller. and
settle the question quickly and decis-
lively in whatever Way | see fit.
Refreshments were served at the con-
cIu-ion Of the program, Of which those
present were invited to partake.
Cheap Rates South.