davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
1nev Do. My Son.

We are in receipt Of a letter from a
boy in Indiana who wants to subscribe
for The Kicker, but his father won't let
him because he has heard that all Ari.
IONA editors play poker. The boy asks
us If this is so. Yes, my son, your IA
Their is right. While the game of poker
was not invented exactly for the bene-
fit of western editors, they have sort of
drifted into it until they come to feel an
ownership. Eastern editors, as we N
derstand it, run to checkers, fox and
geese and betting so cents on a horse
race, but out here we have but one di-
version. We play poker when we are
joyous and we play it when we are sad.
Once in awhile an editor plays it to
make money, but he is oon given the
cold shoulder. 1t is a nice, quiet game,
with lots of surprises in it, and if an
editor happens to win anything he al.
ways remembers the heather. Could we
take your father in hand for an hour or
two we could make him change his
opinion, but as that is impossible we
can only feel sorry for you.
M. QUAD.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Ancestral Wisdom.

In Pennsylvania, not many years ago,
dwelt the descendants Of Peter Van
Schreubendyke, who had cleared his
own farm, guarded it carefully from
the attacks Of Indians and willed it to
his son Jacob. Situated in the interior
and far from any settlement, the farm
was transmitted in regular order from
father to son, and at last became the
property Of Heinrich Van Sohreuben-
dyke, a good natured, stolid Teuton.
whose son Johannes, a bright and lively
youth Of l6 years, was told to saddle
the horse and ride to the mill with the
grist, and hurry back. The grist was on
such occasions placed in one end Of the
bag and a large stone in the other end
to balance it. Johannes, having thrown
the sack across the horse's back, had
got the grist evenly divided and had no
need of the stone to balance it. He ran
to his father and cried:
"Oh, father, come and see mel We
don't need the stone any more"
The old gentleman calmly surveyed
the scene and with q severely reproach-
full look said:
Johannes, your fadder, your grand
fadder and your great grandfather, all
went to de mill with de stone in one
end of de bag und de grist in de odder.
Unit now you, a mere poy, sets yourself
up to know more as dey do. Yust put
de stone in de pag and never more let
me see such smartness like dat"
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Caught.

A country merchant visited the city a
few days ago and purchased from a dol
lar store a table caster, which he took
home with him, and after putting a tag
on 1t marked $l4 made a present Of 10
to a Methodist preacher, whose church
his family attended. The reverend gen.
tleman took the package home, opened
1t and examined the contents. The next
day he took the caster with the tag at
tached back to the grocery man and said
to him, II am too poor in this worlds
goods to afford to display SO valuable a
caster on my table, and If you have no
objection I should like to return it and
take $14 worth of groceries in its stead. -
The merchant could do nothing but ac-
Uuiesce.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
A Great Hero of Antiquity.

It is related that when Miss Anna
Dickinson was about to deliver her lee
ture on Jeanne d'Arp in a small western
town, it was considered necessary that
she should be introduced to the audi
ence. The task fell on the chairman Of
the lecture committee, a worthy indi-
vidual, but not very well yersed in his
tory. Ladies and gentlemen" said he,
advancing to the front Of the platform,
Miss Dickinson will address you to-
night on the life and adventures of John
Dark. n of the greatest heroes of an
tiquity, We are not as familiar with
the heroes of antiquity as we ought to
be, owing to the long time since antiq
uity, but n thing is certain, and that
is that Miss Dickinson can tell us all
about that. most remarkable man of
them all. John Dark"
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Emperor of China,s phxsician.

Sir G. Staunton related a curious an
ecdote of old KEN Long, emperor of
China. He was inquiring of Sir George
the manner in which physicians were
paid in England. When. after some diff
ficulty, his majesty was made to COM
prehend the system, he exclaimed "Is
any man we'll in England that can
afford to be illp Now, I will inform
you," said he, ''how 1 manage my ply
sicians. 1 have four, to whom the care
Of my health is committed. A certain
weekly salary is allowed them, but the
moment / am ill the salary stops till l
am well again. I need not inform you
my illnesses are usually short. -
MARK Lemons Jest Book"
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10

Yale professor was going to expert
ment with laughing gas when be over
heard a student say that under it's infu-
ence no one was responsible for what he
said and he would take advantage of
this and tell the professor what he
thought of him. When the class met,
the professor quietly said he would like,
for purposes of illustration, to admins
ter the gas to some member, and this
student volunteered. The leather bag
was connected with his mouth. He pre-
tended to be very much excited, and be-
gan to abuse and swear at the professor,
who let him go OF for awhile, but the
class roared when the professor said be
needn't be SO irresponsib' /: the gas had
not been turned on yet.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Another Matter.

An Irish priest had labored hard with
n of his flock to induce him to give
up the habit of drinking, but the man
was obdurate.
Il tell you, Michael, said the priest,
"whisky is your worst enemy, and you
should keep as far away from it as you
cam"
"My enemy, is it, father?'' responded
Michael. "And it was your riverence's
silf that was tellin us in the pulpit only
last Sunday to love our inimiesl"
80 I was, Michael" rejoined the
priest, "but was 1 anywhere telling You
to swallow 'em?''-Youth's COMPANION.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
A True Gallant.

The judge, addressing himself to a
witness Of the female persuasion, who
Is visibly afflicted with at least 40 years:
"Mademoiselle, your age, if you
please?"
(After a long and interesting hesita-
tion)-"Twenty- -four, your honor"
(To the clerk)-"You may now ad-
minister the OATH"
She takes the oath.
And now, ma1emoiselle, remember
that you must tell the truth. "-L'Illus-
tire de Poche.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Explanatory rheumatism.

Miss Mobile-Well, Martha, how is
your husband now?
Martha-Po'ly, miss, poly. He's got
that EXPLANATORY rheumatism.
Miss Mobile-You mean inflamma-
cory rheumatism, Martha. Exclama-
tory is to cry out.
Martha with solemn conviction)-
That's it, mum, that's it! He don't do
nothing but holler!-Northern Christian
Advocate.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
No Contempt Meant.

One Of the leaders of the Iowa bar,
named Star, was a man of pronounced
conyivial habits, and sometimes appear
ed in court in a condition of great ex-
hilaration. He was in a "talcyon and
vociferous'' condition one morning in
the supreme court of Iowa when one of
his cases was called. He appeared for
the plaintiff. He rose as soon as his
name was called, and, advancing to the
counsel table, laid hold of it with a
firm grasp. Steadying himself with diff
ficulty and assuming an air of dignity
he said slowly and thickly: "Your hon,
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
KEEPING HIM IN STYLE.

Precedent Mckinley BroOker Was q Sore
Trial to His Nanny.
~Pickaninny Jim's mother stood in
the door of her residence, calling at the
top of her voice:
President Mckinley Whah is yoh,
President Mckinley? Eff l lays mer fis'
on yoh back, You'll change yoh man
nersl''
A man who was passing stopped in
surprise and inquired:
whats the matter, auntie?"
"Is yoh name President McKinleyp''
she inquired in an intensely supercili-
GUS tone.
mo. And I'm afraid you won't get
any answer to that name, either"
II won't, won't l? Yoh jes' wait a
minute" She started down the street,
calling as she went, and presently emerg-
ed from a side entrance with a boy,
small and swarthy, who dragged his
feet reluctantly in response to her reso-
Lutte clutch.
"Stan up On de do'step an listen tel
me" she commanded, shaking her fore.
finger. at him.
The boy obeyed, and she said impress
sively, "Whut's yoh manner"
After a brief but severe struggle with
his memory, he answered, President
Mckinley BROKER"
"An why didn't yoh answer ter dat
name when I done call it in de fus'
placer"
cease, nanny, I done fohgot it"
"We1l, yoh's gwinter hab ONE mo-
chance ter fohgit it. Den I'ze gwinter
git a peach tree limb an write 1t all
ovuh yoh back. Go long in de kitchen
a wait tell 1 comes. It's hahd wu'b
raisin dat chile right" she commented
to the interested stranger; mighty
hard wu'k.,"
II don't see how he came to have
such an odd name"
IT has some family pride, an TIE will
in ter take de trouble ter live up ter it.
ALI de cullud folks round hyuh dat is
anybody is gwinter had one baby in de
family named aftuh de president. When
dat chile was born, ] christened him
President Ha'hson BROKER. Up ter las
fo'tho o. Mahch his name wuz President
Cleveland Brooker. Now lie habbin a
time ter make i'm re'lize dat he's
President Mckinley Brooker.' I'ze at q
pow'ful disadvantage, ease dah's only
one o. him. It's mo- worriment dan
trainin a pup ter keep dat boy fun goin
clean out o. style. Washington Star.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
The Real Thing.

$50 you were bound and gagged by
bandits while in Italy, were your" ask
ed the garrulous person. Regularly
comic opera bandits, eh?"
mo, SIR" said the traveller. ''There
was nothing of the comic opera style
about them. The gags they used were
all new. Cincinnati Enquirer.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10

night. I've made n attempt, after an
other to assassinate that beast, but I've
failed every time"
"You know that cats have nine lives,
professor"
mime? Nineteen times have l given
that creature poisoned meat. I threw
her off the roof twice aud I've shot at
her four times-just filed her plumb full
OF quail shot-and the next day she's
round on scheduled time, drinking milk
as soon as it's left by the milkman.
Last week 1 borrowed a 800 bull ter
rier to eat her up, and she Killed him
in II seconds. Why, I blew her clean
into the next street with a dynamite
cartridge yesterday, and l hope to die if
she wasn't on deck reaching for the
canary this morning without a hair
singed."
"Going to fix her this time, eh?"
"You bet 7 am,' said Professor CUT
fey emphatically. ''I'm going to throw
her off into 40 feet of water, and if that
don't finish her she's the devil him
self!''
Come, take a drink first, Guffey,"
said his friend Boggs, and the crowd
followed into "a saloon on the corner
While the beer was being drawn, Boggs
slipped quietly back and united the
bag. As soon as the indestructible cat
had skipped up the street, Boggs retied
the bag and hurried back to the saloon.
Pretty 800 the crowd emerged and
helped Guffey to carry his heavy load
to the extreme edge of the wharf, from
which 1t was solemnly dumped.
II hate to kill even a cat" said the
old professor sadly, "but the fact is, I
haven't had a square nights sleep In
two years."
Yesterday Boggs was coming off the
ferrybeat when he beheld the professor
coming ON, atop Of a four horse load of
furniture.
why, you're not moving, are you,
Guffey?"
The professor modify descended from
his perch, and, drawing Boggs aside,
whispered huskily in his ear:
eyes, I am, Boggs-I'm moving owe
to Alameda, That id cats come
backv'-Oyerland Monthly.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Nothing In 1t.

"As a Lenten penanoe," said the
spiritual director, Il recommend that
you scrub the steps of the church edi-
fice."
How lovely!" said to herself the
frivolous lady of high social standing.
Sat the same time, it is essential
that not a newspaper shall be notified. "
The light of high resolve faded from
the beautiful brow, leaving the lady in
q drear, gray mood. Cincinnati En-
quirer.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Form In Prayer.

An old darby who was asked if, il
his experience, prayer was ever answer
ed, replied: "Well, sab, some pra'rs is
ansud an some isn't-'pends on wat
you axes fo'. Jest arter de wah, wen
it was mighty hard scratchin TO- dc
cullud breddern, I 'bsarved dat w enebel
l pway de Lord to sen one O. Marse
Peyton's fat turkeys TO- de ole man,
dere was no motifs took OBJ de partition,
but wen I pway dat he would sen de ole
man TO- de turkey, de matter was tend.
ed to befo' sun up nex' mornin, dead
sartin."
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
THE OLD HUMORISTS.
GuFFEY's CAT AND ITS NINETEEN or
TWENTY LIVES.

The Professor Was Sure the Beast Was an
Indestructibie Fiend-He Tried Many
Times to XIII 1t, but 1t Always Came
Back-No Contempt Meant.
1t was an indestructible fiend. Last
Monday morning, as a lot Of up towners
were waiting on the vtsarf for the China
steamer to get in, old Professor Guffey
drove up in his Office buggy and solemn
ly lifted out an apparently heavily
weighted bag, securely tied at the
mouth.
What you got there, professor?"
asked a friend. 500
"a cat fiend," repeated the professor
gravely.
"a catfish?' replied the crowd.
"No, gentlemen. I said a cat fiend,"
explained Guffey. ''That sack contains
four cobblestones and a cat that has
made my life a burden to me for three
years She steals everything in the
house all day and yells like a pirate
walking the plank ON the back shed all
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Useless.

Her motherly eye is very acute, but
in this case she did not know all that
had occurred.
Come, MI. Washington" she said
affably. 81 wish to present you to my
daughter"
"Thank you," said Willie, "but /
don't think there's any use in your try
ing. I have already offered myself to
her and she wouldn't accept me-
Washington Star.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Giving Its Value.

THAT was a magnificent gown that
your wife wore last night" said the
merchant.
1T ought to be a magnificent one."
returned the lawyer ruefully.
Cost a good deal, did it?"
81 should say SO. " answered the law
yer. 1.-Two Office consultations, an opin-
ion. a murder case and a confession of
Judgment. Chicago Post.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
~Thackeray's Joke.

When Thackeray paid his first visit
to Boston, it was known of him that he
was very fond of oysters, and at a din
ner given in his honor the largest oys-
ter that the place provided-quite an
abnormal oyster in point of size-was
placed before him. He said himself that
he turned pale when he saw it, such a
monster was it, but that he ate it in
silence. His host asked him how he felt
afterward. Profoundly thankfulp'
said T~hackeray contentedly. ct feel as
if I had swallowed a baby"
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Hirh Principle,

Woman, "said she, sis actuated by
principle and not by the sordid bust
ness instincts that dominate man.
THAT explains" said he, "why she
will spend 80 cents in a fare to save
3 at a bargain sale-the principle of
the thing, you know"
She shifted a sneering snort-Cinein,
natl Enquirer.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
A Recommendation.

First Passenger = Yves, 1 know I
st-stutter terribly know, b-but I'm 60
ing up tito N-New Y-York to DIR.
F-Fixem flor it.
Second Passenger - H-h-h-h-h-he's
the m-m-m-man hat c~-c-c-c-c-cured
m-m-m-me!-New York Sunday Jour-
nal
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
A PessiInist.

Benedict-Do you think a man will
have bad luck if he gets married on
Friday?
Batrhellor-Oh, l don't think it
makes any difference whether it's Friday
or not. --Yopkers Statesman.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
A Cruel Cut.

Gladys Old Girl-It's so odd about
peoples fads. Now, my f1ance's fad is
for collecting antiquities.
Rose Bud docking at her)-So 1
should judge. up to Date.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10

A soldier passing through a meadow,
a large mastif ran at him, and he stab.
bed the dog with a bayonet. The master
of the dog asked him why he had not
rather struck the dog with the butt emo
of his weapon. "SoI should, said the
soldier, "if he had run at me with his
tail. "-''Mark Lemons Jest Book"
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Fact and Fiction.

"What part did you find most diff
cult when You were ON the stagea1
Trying to live up to the salary !
told my friends I was getting. Tit
Bits.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
A / of Poverty.

"Yes, the Bosleys must have met with
severe losses lately"
"Why, have they had to give up their
homer"
mo, I don't think it'll be as bad as
that, but they're going to ride their last
years bicycles this season. '-Cleveland
Leader. :
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10

eide THIS CASE"
ors, ] don't care how you decide this
case. l don't care whether you decide
it for me or against me-" The court
was astonished. After a reflective pause
the distinguished lawyer went ON, ION
second thought, I'll give you $5 to de-
eide. it against me-" The court was
shocked. "Mr. STAR" said the chief
justice solemnly, "this court cannot
permit such contemptuous language
even from so eminent a counselor as
yourself" "Your honor" interrupted
Star, swaying to and fro, ''no contempt
meant, no contempt meant. I didn't
mean % for the whole court, but $5
apiece" He was considered too helpless
to be fined.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
M. QUAD.

Thomas the Drummer-Well, Emmar,
you needn't take ON SO. 1 loves you
straight enough, but 'angin round the
barrick gates askin for me is the sort of
thing / will not 'ave!-Punch.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
Society Events.

&AAllOliS LAG 1oSkaA SfSIto aiA1S "
the fall and winter are two high teas
and one low coffee by Mrs. Colonel
Stage. She has already ordered "a blue
bordered napkins from Chicago, and
those who know her ambition to excel
will rest assured that nothing will be
left undone to make these events a royal
flush.
We are given to understand that Mrs.
Judge Whyso has spent the last three
months in st. Louis to learn how to run
a progressive euchre function and that
she will give one soon after her return.
That 1t will be a bang up affair goes
without saying.
Mrs. Captain Deland returned from
st. Paul last week, and during a brief
call at the Office she informed us that
she intended to make society howl dur
ing the winter months. She has planned
a 'lasses candy pull. two spelling bees,
a birthday party and a swell reception,
and some of the china cups and saucers
she brought back with her cost a quar-
ter apiece.
1t is needless to add that we shall be
in it on all of the above named events,
and anything else which takes place,
and that as the acknowledged leader Of
the Four Hundred we shall take person
al control. Next week we shall send our
white shirt to tie laundry, sew on ev-
eral buttons and otherwise get ready for
the opening of the social season.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10

ARRIVE AT HELENA.
No. l., Pacific Express, west bound $50 a. m.
No. 2, Atlantic EXPIRES, east bound, 1000 D. m.
No. s, Marysville mixed. daily except
Sunday. ........ ......... -. 9:3O a. m.
No. 9. Wickes and Boulder mixed dali
ly except Sunday, runs from Basin
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fri
days, from Elkhorn on Tuesdays,
Thursdays and atudays........ 7:30 D. m.
No. 102, Rimini mixed, Tuesdays only 2.30 p. m.
DEPART FROM HELENA.
No. L, Pacific Express, westbound, 10 100 a. m.
No. 2, Atlantic Express, eastbound, 1910 D. M.
No. 2. Marysville mixed, daily except
Sunday 3:3Op. m.
No. 10, Wickes and Boulder mixed,
daily except Sunday, runs to Basin
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays,
to Elkhorn Tuesdays, Thursdays
and Saturdays. :. 9:15 a. m.
No. 101, Rimini mixed Tuesdays only 1890 a. m.
Through tickets to Japan and China, via Ia
coma and Northern Pacific Steamship Co.
For information, time cards, maps and tickets,
call on or write
"A. ID. EDGAR,
GENERAL AGENT, HELENA, MONTANA.
-oR--
CHAS. S. FEE, G.. P. g. T. A.,
st. Paul.. Minn
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1897-04-10
TIME SCHEDULE.

| lSQT.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1897-08-31
REPORTED DROWNING.
Fred BurlfnEnme, n Young Boy, LO'
on the Potomac.

Fred BurlfnEnme, n Young Boy, Lost
ON the Potomac.
A message was received by The Star this
morning from Indian Head, stating that
Fred. Burlingame, the eight-year-old son
Of Mr.. Fred. H. Burlingame, an employe of
the bureau of engraving and printing of
this city. was drowned off Sandy Point
last night by the capsizing of boat.
Mr.. Fred. Burlingame took his son with
him on a cruise down the river in a small
yacht week ago last Saturday. Mrs. Bur-
lingame left at that time on trip to Provi-
dence She returned, however, about a
week ago. When Star reporter broke the
sad news to her this morning at her resi-
dence p c street northeast, she was totally
unaware of the accident and the loss of her
boy seemed to affect her deeply
Mrs. Burlingame, it seems, had been loath
to let the boy go the trip, and stated
this morning that she has had a Fremont
ton all along that something was going to
happen. She said she had always been
afraid that something would happen to the
boat, and report received from a naval
officer several days ago, to the effect that
the boat was leaking, and that her hus-
band and son were forced to put up for
repairs, did not tend in any way to soothe
her troubled mind.
The boy was a handsome little fellow, a
little over eight years of age, and prime
favorite at school. at home and with his
playmates. He had bright, cheerful dis
position, and was always generous and
kind-hearted.
The message received contained no news
of Mr.. Burlingame, but it is supposed that
he survived the accident.