Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1897-02-01


ter be one dat didn't hab no mind ter
change in de fus' place.
He-I see that Edison has invented
new electric light that promises to
be perfect. She-One that turns
down like gas, suppose.
| Does your family sympathize with
you when you have insomnia? Yes,
when I can't sleep I sit up all night
and practice on my accordion.
Tenant-If you don't have that
roof patched, we will be drowned out.
Landlord-I'll send down half a doz-
en- life preservers. Anything else?
What in the deuce did you mean by
letting that note endorsed for you
| go to protest? Why, man, there was
no other way unless paid the thing.
Julia, what did that poor man say
when you gave him that lovely
bunch of DAISIES? He said he would
much rather have good boiled cab
bage.
| Young Observation-Disclosures telegraph
you not to bring your mother with
you? Young Wife-That's what she
wants to see you about. She read the
message.
Mamma-You naughty boy; you
want whipping, that's what you
want. Innocent-What was that you
said the other day about the dutyof
self denial?
What in the world have you been
marrying for? asked Callow's stern
father; you can't support wife. No
body said could. But got a wife
that can support me.
What did you stop that alarm clock
in your room for, Jane? Because,
mum, the plaguey thing has some
sort of a fit every mornin, mum, just
when wants to sleep.
Smith-You told me your friend
sang like bird. I think he has
horrible hoarse voice. How can you
say it is like birds? Jones-Well,
the bird meant was a crow.
Bobby-Pa, what is a mutual friend?
Mr.. Ferry-He is generally one who
makes it his business to see that you
don't miss hearing the mean things
your friends say about you.
Place, mum, the castors under the
masters armchair squeak most hor-
rible. Hadn't they better be oiled?
Certainly, Bridget: but Pm afraid we
have no castor oil in the house.
A woman does not feel as resentful
to another who has slandered her as |
she does to the one who has bid five |
cents higher than she did on a sew
enty- five cent vase at an auction.
1t was Mr.. Justice Maule who said,
in answer to witness who declared
that he had been welded to the
truth from infancy. Yes, but the
question is how long have you been
a widower?
Fling-And did the stage have the
appearance of a real garden in the
garden scene? Storms-Oh, yes; /
b adm tbeen on three minutes before
the place was filed with vegetables.
Scribbler-Yes, I've written large
number of poems, but LIDO not pro-
pose having them published until af-
ter my death. Chorus of friend
(raising their glasses) Here's long
life to you.
Mr.. Cumso-This is a very bad re-
port to bring me from school, Tommy.
TOMMY know, papa; but you said
if I'd bring you a good report you'd
give me quaroer, and [ wanted to
save you money.
see that you are your own wash
er- woman, said Mrs. Spitely, who
was leading her poodle past the
place. Yes, retorted Mrs. Snaply,
but thank goodness, I'm not reduced
to playing nurse girl for dog.
Oh, children, you are so noisy to-
day. Can't you be little quieter
and better? Now, grandma, you
must be little considerable, and not
scold us. You see, if it wasn't for US
you wouldn't be grandma at all.
Hobson-This cold of mine is caus-
ing me frightful misery. Dobson-Is
it SO very bad? Hobson-No; the
cold itself doesn't trouble me, but
every idiot that hears me cough
wants to Recommend a cure for it.
The Secret of Successful Dairying.
If we were asked to state in two words the
secret of success iu dairying it would be Com
Portable Cows. The elements which contrib
ute to the happy state on the part of the