davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
OLLIE A FALL.

1t was long time since Tom Hool-
igan and "Gashouse" Joyce, of the
Nineteenth ward, had the opportunity
Of celebrating local Democratic victo-
~. so on the night of the late election
they started out TO paint the town
says the Cincinnati Enquirer. Streaks
IF carmine were visible in their wake
from the corner of Front and Mill
streets until they finally joined the
cheering and boisterous crowd on Vine
street. Later in the night they fell in
with the parade, and continued to
march around town until TIE remnants
of the marchers started over the canal,
when Joyce and Hooligan turned their
faces homeward. By this time they
had each accumulated a glorious jag,
and as they rolled homeward their yells
for Chapman became fainter as GrOwsi-
ness overlook them. Just how or
where they became separated neither
can tell, but an open manhole in a
short sewer or drain connecting a
Front street manufacturing establish
ment with the river figures in the part
ing of the Nineteenth ward enthusiasts.
The morning after the election, while
Joyce was on his way to work at the
gas house, he heard faint cry OF
Help, Help," He was not as yet en-
tirely over the effects Of the previous
nights celebration; in fact, he was de-
cidedly tipsy, but at the same time re-
allied that the cry came from some one
! in distress. The cries for help continu-
ing, he looked around vain1y endeayor-
ing to locate the quarter whence they
came. 1t seemed as though the voice
came up through the. ground beneath
his feet. At this moment his eyes rest
ed on the manhole CT the sewer above
referred to, and it dawned upon him
that some one had fallen in. as the
cap" or plate having been removed for
some purpose, the manhole was open.
Resting the palms of his hands on his
knees he peered down in tie darkness,
and finally distinguished a mans form.
Who's there?" yelled Joyce.
I'm there came an answer from
below. Help me out"
An thic) VINO the divil lhic) are
ydu?''
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
REBUkING A SNOB.

An exceptionally good thing happened
in an electric car going down town the
other afternoon, which goes to prove
that if the mills of the gods do grind
slowly they grind fine, says the New
Orleans Democrat.
The car was comparatively full when
a very gorgeously dressed female en-
tered and stood in the doorway. looking
around haughtily as if she expected ev-
cry passenger to re that she might
have ample room for her silken skirts.
For a wonder, however. they remained
impeTvious to her jet trimmings and
only one very shabby looking fellow
courteously moved up, leaving her a
seat beside him.
The lazy glanced at him. and ele-
waiting her brows into an expression of
aristccratic annoyance she shifted and
sat down pn the edge of the seat. The
shabby foung man, whose ragged
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
A NOVEL THEFT.

Something funny" And. says the
Nashville Banner, the advance agent
looked at the ceiling for moment.
The funniest thing I've run aga.ns,
in some time happened right here IN
your own state in a town not far from
here. We played there before coming
TO Nashville.
II had been in town a couple "
hours and went up to see the opera
house as the little hall is designated
By the residents. II was a miserable
little hole, and when you stood on lie
stage and talked. you might as we'll
have had a 10-inch blanket hung in
front OF you.
Why. you have no acoustics 1t
alli' | exclaimed TO the manager, wLo
was showing me through.
Well he replied. we had 'ert-
We used To have plenty Of EN-: BIZ
a burned minstrel company showed
here last week, and they stole nearly
everything in the house. Guess they
must a took them akoostics along,
too"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
LUCID DIRECTIONS.

Country distances are peculiar"
said EDITOR Littlejohn, or the Carter
County (Ky) Advocate, "and the road
directions which a traveller receives up
in the mountains are sometimes lack
ing in the quality OF expilcitness, but
are frequently amusing TO the inquirer
with plenty Of leisure. How far IL 70
from hers to Argillite?" asked Ports
mouth drummer OF an old fellow who
was Loeing weeds cut of some sickly
corn. Is 1t far?' Wall. Il hain't -
very fer nor it hain't 60 very nigh. It
you 90 around by the big road it's fer
der nor 1t is nigh. but II you cut acrost
the country it's higher nor Il Is fer, and
IL you keep right straight aaead it's
kinder betwixt nigh an FER. but It's .
considerable Of ja'nt from hyar, nc
matter how you git thar"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19

the next five weeks that column and a
half of long primer, typographical err
rors and all, was used Interchangeable
by the Investigator and the Register.
1t appeared in the Investigator Fridays
and in the Register Saturdays, and in
all that time [ verify believe it was read
only by the printer who set it up.
'On Saturday afternoon of the fifth
week the Register devil brought the
type back for the last time. I thought
he seemed uncommonly cheerful as he
accosted my apprentice and leered at
me from countenance frescoed with
parti-colored inks, but dismissed the
subject, picked up handful Of long
primer and began distributing it in the
case.
six o'clock came and my devil went
home | remained to throw in my case.
About an hour later Ed. Hilton, a
man-abOut-town, and warm friend of
the Investigator, entered the office in
highly excited state.
Say, you better hide said he;
'Kriel has gone after his gum.
'Kriel was the editor of tie Register.
Why, what's eatin' of him. l ask
ed, using an idiom of the locality.
That type you changed on him,
said Hilton. He's mad because you
made him call himself jimber-j awed
hyena in bis own paper
Still | didn't understand, and l re-
| mined in the dark until Hilton pulled
! a copy Of the Register from his pocket
| and pointed to the advertisement OF the
special election.
Can you believe it, 1t was literally
peppered with irreverent interpretations,
Long, tedious descriptions of land
J tracts were frightened UP with bursts
| of pungent slang, in which Editor Kriel,
with wonderful self-abnegation, was
made to call himself several kinds OF
/ a jibbering idiot.
The editor of this paper escaped
from the lunatic asylum. Better watch
him. read one paragraph, the spelling
of which l readily recognized as that
of my devil.
The outcome of it all was | took a
night train and dropped down the road
about twenty-five miles to the home OF
a relative, where l remained until il
was time to begin work on the next
weeks issue, and in the meantime
kriels ire had cooled down some
what. But he never was able to collect
his fees for the publication of that ad. u
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
A STAR PLAY.

Referring to party of travelling men
at Nashville hotel, the Banner says:
Most of them were married men. and
the trend of stories turned to personal
"reminiscences of late home-comings,
with a careful detail Of the reception
accorded upon the awakening Of the
female half Of the house and the ex-
cuses that were rendered to appease her
wrath.
1t was the turn of the fat man, the
jolly man, the man on whom the drinks
fell oftenest. when I married | was
not on the road. | was working in the
office, and when l decided to get mar
ried / declared to myself that | would
stay in the Office. l couldn't bear the
separation that a travelling man must
endure. Here | might as we'll state be-
fore the first anniversary Of our we'd
ding day | petitioned the company to
send me out for trip or so; they com
piled with my request, and I'm a COM
mercial traveller for the rest of my life
/ belonged to q club when | married
but | stayed away for solid month af-
ter the Honeymoon; and really l didn' t
care for it very much. But one evening
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
JUD,C!AN ADVICE.

When Judge James B. CAN'T, Of the
Missouri Supreme Court. was a circuit
judge down i'm Henry county, says the
Columbia (Mo) Herald, he had good
many railroad cases to try. Nearly
every farmer along the line OF the Mis-
souri, Kansas and Texas Railroad sued
the company. In a number of these
cases, young lawyer, just arrived
from Tennessee, represented the plain
tiff. For the defendant corporations,
appeared Sam Priest-now Judge Her
ry S. Priest of St. Louisa shrewd.
able, aggressive lawyer Priest took
advantage at every point and fought
the cases from the start.
The young lawyer, who may be call
ed Brown. was forced several times TO
amend his petition aad try a new tack.
Finally Judge CAN'T was compelled.
under the law. TO throw soma OF
Browns cases out of court. becauEe
they were improperly brought. Brown
was mad. mad all ever. Swelling with
Indignation. he rose and said:
Your Honor. will you please tell me
Tow it is possible in this court 70 get
justice against a railroad company"
Judge CAN'T Quietly ignored the con-
temp OF court shown by the lawyer,
and asked:
do you wish an answer to that queg-
ticn. Mr.. Brown"
Yes. sir" deiantly replied the in
dignant lawyer. Yes. sir; / want to
know how a farmer can get his case
into this court so it will be heard"
Judge CAN'T smiled and said:
We'll. first, Mr.. Brown. 10 advise
tie farmer to hire lawyer"
Brown wilted.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19

about cents a quire, considerably leJs
than half cent a sheet, and all you have
to do is to set UP enough type to print
one side Of the paper. A good many
of the editors don't even do this, but
fill up with dead ads, pot metal plates
and stereotyped cuts that may or may
not have a relevancy to the subject
matter in which they appear.
THE three or four columns of news
and editorial are set by some girl or
boy of the village who is learning the
printers trade, and who will work for
little CIR nothing, and, as the office is
usually the home of the editor, you can
readily see that the cost of issuing the
Jonesville Investigator is, to say the
least nominal.
so the editors waste their space
and time in various ways. | remem-
Der once there was a movement on foot
in Clay county to hold a special cleo
ticn to vote bonds to give bonus to a
railroad that surveyed a right of way
through Jcnesville. The contract for
printing the advertisement, which was
to appear in five consecutive issues,
was awarded to both the Investigator
and the Register, the opposition sheet.
THE Investigator received the copy
and set up the ada column and half
of long primer. Then the Register edi-
tor called to get the copy ready for his
printers.
"'There's no use,' said I, with jour
nalistic courtesy of your setting that
thing up After we've gone to press
Friday, just send the boy over with a
galley and get the type. You're per-
fectly welcome to it.
This seemed satisfactory, and so for
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
A GENTLEMAN AND KNEW 1T.

One OF the quondamS of the Treas
uly Department, whose name is still
to be read on some of the treasury
notes, is facetious individual and
rather given to joking, but adds the
Washington correspondent of the New
York Tribune, he belongs to that class
whose jokes generally end in being
zone on him" This, Mr.. X. does not
appreciate, however; ne is a bumptu-
Gus person with an exaggerated idea
of his own Importance, and it would
never occur to him that any one could
presume to make sport of so exalted
creature.
Not long ago Mr.. X. went into one
of the uptown hotels Tor shave. and
when the barger was through with
him squared himself around for a talk.
Say, Bob said he to the knight OF
the razor, do you know d gentleman
when you see him."
Know a genl'man? Co'se l knows
gem man. responded Bob.
We'll, l want you to understand
that you are talking to a gentleman
right now, real gentleman a thor
oughbred, no make believe, no sham,
but a gentleman, sab, through and
through, one of the finest gentlemen
in the United States, sab. Dye hear?"
Yes, sah," answered the barber,
not without some inward amusement.
well, now" continued Mr.. X, do
you know an SIS pair of pants when
you see them? Speak up, tell you
Could you recognize an SIS pair of
pants if you we're brought face to
face with them?"
Il reckon not, sah,' said Bob. "Yo'
see, hain't had much experience with
SIS pants | doesn't reckon I'd know
'em if l was ter see en-
"Well, there's a pair slapping his
leg; there's pair, ] say, cost SIS;
look your fool at EN-, because you
may not see another pair soon. But
those are the kind l always wear, be-
cause, you see, I'm a gentleman.
Come, now, do you know who l am?"
Deed l doesn't, sah." answered the
barber. thinking he had a crazy man
to deal with. Never seed yo' befo.'
Don't know who l am? What
part of the backwoods did you come
from, any way, not to know who l am?
I'll show you who ] am. Look at that
BILL" selecting a crisp So bill from a
pocketbook well filled with new notes;
that's my visiting card. Never car
ry any other. Take 1t, read it, and
tell me. then, if you know, who 1 am.
Now, do you believe I'm gentle
MANI"
The delighted darkey took the bill.
dun knowed it all along, sab; yo'
looks like a gen'lman, yo' acts like a
gen imam, Iyo' is a enlman, an this
yere> bill lis sure nuif proof. Can {
keep yo'{ out O. nowhar when you
throw round visiting cards like this. .
jssWell," said the self-styled gentle
man, "if you've found out who | am.
Just take Is cents out for my shave
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19

yo' am gettin' surre2titious. Go long, yo'
old Hessian.
l bin down de weddin'.
L seed Mss Julie Green.
She's bout de liveliest lady
Dat ever yo' has seen--
HI, dat amt what ! was singin'-con-
foun' a mule, anyhow. Dey's enough to
'stroy cherry bit oh sense po'r niger is
BON wild. Dey even make a hungry mig
ger foget to eat his vittels. Where did L
leave off? Now Use got it.
De jaybird tell de blackbird
De winters Sho'ly hard,
But what's the use oh grumblin
Less yo polk haint got no lard.
Yo' gwine to let yo 'ligion
Freeze up yo' spirit. too
An help along de misery
Yves gwine to trabbal frou.
Well, pleg ta the founded mule It's
enuf to max 'ligious niger lik me, dat
STAINS high in de church. cuss. But use
gwine TO keep my temper as long us 1
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19

Every 'blue-coat" was notified of
Tins loss and for two days the "eag-
les eyes" of the policemen were open
ed for trace Of the COW. Tim had
described her perfectly and at the end
of the second day one OF the force an
nOunced that he had discovered the
missing bovine. Tim was jubilant
over the recovery of his property but
threatened vengeance dire on tie
thief. He finally said:
Where is she?"
why was the answer. "she is the
one you put in the pound the other
night"
1t was true. and the Jealous Tim had
to put up 81 to get her out. and OF
course the boys had to be bribed with
a box Of cigars to keep the secret.
Hereafter, Tim will look at the COW.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19

clothes-as ragged clothes SO often do
concealed from the supercilious world
a kindly heart and a gentleman in
every sense of the word, flushed, pain
fully conscious that his forlorn condl-
ton was offensive to her.
His embarrassment increased when,
as he unconsciously moved, the Lady
of Laces gave little smothered eXcla-
nation and ostentatiously drew her
furbelows about her, shrinking away as
if she were in proximity to trash bar
rel.
Of course none of this was lost on the
other passengers and the poor young
fellow writhed silently at such humll-
iating episode. He ground his teeth
when, a few seconds later she drew in
her breath and drew out her smelling
salts, and with a distressed and exas-
perating glance at him from under her
half-closed lids, held herself away from
him at an angle of 40 degrees with her
silver bottle to her upturned nose.
The shabby. looking man sat on I'M
comfortably, but the insult sank deep,
and he wondered how on earth he could
get even with her Suddenly the mills
Of the gods began to turn, and he no
ticed that the aristocratic jaws of the
Lady of Laces were working with an al
most imperceptible movement.
Evidently she had been keeping her
chewing gum in her cheeks and now
found it impossible to do SO any longer.
The shabby looking man kept a fur
tive eye On my ladys slowly working
jaw, and presently he saw her put her
handkerchief TO her mouth and then
turn and look out of the window The
young man also presently looked out
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
Is gwine to hut de soul,
An Satan's in de fiddle
GLntr. s.r,crn :. in do lnoNt-l

Quit yo kckin. Didn' 1 tole yo to haw,
Beck? Why don't yo listen to me, yo'
stinkin heifer Yo' make out like yo' hahn t
got a grain O. sense.
lie blackbird AK de jaybrd
What makes him wear blue close,
He better put on mownin',
Case all de groun is froze.
Dis worl is full of trouble.
From summer till de spring,
Den prars an tears is proper
For dem dat dance an sing.
Whoa, Beck! What de debbil do yo'
mean? Am yo turnin' deaf an tryin' to
lose de hearln' yo' were born wild? Now,
haw, l tole yo'.
De jaybird AK de blackbird,
De winters sho'ly hard
Stop yo' jerkin' Beckyo bin past dat
burnt stump more dan free dozen times
to-day. an yo' are now a-cockin' up yo'
ears like it was varmint. Pears to me
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19

bell. Yo'se a brayin' now. Stan aroun
here sos I can get on yo' back. Wen
sab, If she amt gone an jerlled &c bride
clean outen de mOuf an headed straight
to de lot. If | cotch her. dis here foo
niger will max her remember me as
long as she Ibis.
The negro endeavored to catch Beck
but seeing she was bound for home OF
fast train time. he abandoned the idea
and followed in her wake. through tho
plowed ground, singing:
Miss Julie look so smilin'
An her mouf chirp like chunc,
l wished ! had'r axed her
For anuGder weddin' soon.
a II. Il. C.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
HER SUGGESTION.

It was at a Jefferson avenue resi-
delee, and the young man had been go
ing often and staying late. until the
maiden fair felt the monotony OF It.
Last Thursday evening about II O'Clock
the CONVERSATION dragged so that it al
most p.sled the tacks out Of the carpet
and for a minute or two he sat In a
cogitative mood with his hand to his
forehead
i was just trying to remember some
thing" he explained.
..Yes?" she replied.
Al had something pleasant to tell
All, what was it?' and Me bright
! q bit.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19

druggist, but sold cut to man named
Smith l am Democrat, and always
vote. ! am worth about $4,000. My
father was civil engineer. and my
grandfather was a contractor. Ally
wife's name was Brown before | mar
ried her. Her mother is still living.
All of my near relatives are dead.
He stopped. The long-nosed man
regarded him for a moment with in
terest, and then asked in dissatisfied
way: What did your grandfather do
for a living?"
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
UNFRAMED.

Henrietta" said Mr.. Meek
is one thing that | wish to s
frankly. There is one sub
which | do not desire any
doubt to fall. So far as tn
of this family are concerned,
to have your own way in every
ticuiar.
Then he stood back and waited
smile of Joy TO brighten her face.
there was n frown. Z
"Of course" she answered.
just like a man. If anythiu
wrong you want to be sure q
somebody to blame for it."
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
THE SWEET YOUNG

The woman who fears a,
every daughter of Mother
osed' to, met with a sad 4
vilkayenue grocery not Id
thegieveland Plain Deal
young woman Of corpS
sions. and when the d
across the floor anything
exercise was as far from IN
Saturn from Mars. But
caught sight of the little Il
terror she let forth a snriek q
red down the stove pipe. Them
ing up her draperies in both
she leaped on TO a soap box,
thence with the nimbleness of a II
tain goat she sprang to the head
half filed molasses barrel. But,
for her too solid flesh, The he
the barrel gave way, and the ms
with a blood-curdling yell plungei
first into the glammy sweetness.
They got her out finally, and {
But veil must be drawn on the
sequent proceedings.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
THE AMENITIES OF RURAL JOURNALISM

Steve Jennings. who recently passed
through Kansas City on his way to Port
Arthur, used to run a little country
weekly up in a Nebraska town. and he
knows all about the vicissitudes Of rural
newspaperdom, afiirms the Kansas City
Times.
about one-third of these little
Sheets" said he, were established for
business purposes, anOiner third were
set On foot to boom the interests of
some candidate for Office. and the re-
-:lainder are printed fer fun You see.
the expense Of getting them out is very
little. Your patent insides cost you
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
CONFLICTING EVIDENCE.

Was that a mans vaiise or wo-
mans that the police found down by
tee railroad track7' asked the city ed
itor.
Il don't know" answered the police
reporter. There wss nothing In IL but
one Of Zola's stories. copy Of The
Dolly Dialogues" a paper sack OF card
4nels and pack OF cigarettes. Id
cianapoiis JouEaI
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
AN ACCOMMODATING cLoTHIE.>.

| suppose great many people havel
wondered whether one-legged menI
bought shoes by the pair. observes al
writer in the Atlanta Journal.
This reminds ne of the enterprise OIL
an Atlanta clothing man. who IL is said
has never been known to acknowledge
that he didn't have anything a possible
customer might ask for One Gay
customer entered the store and asked I
he had any trousers made especially
for one-legged men. Certainly" rey
piled the merchant. what hind do
you want?" Dress pants" said the
man. THE best you've got" Hurry
ing into the rear of the store. the en-
terErlsing merchant snatched up pair
of trousers and shipped off the right
leg with a psir of shears. Hastily
turning undeI> the esges- ba Rrcsssl
them to the custome
That's the kind
price,"
Fifteen dollars.
We'll give mem
leg off,
A month later the MI
nounced convalescent ain
road to recovery.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19
st. Louis Globe-Democrat.

DUBLIN, Ga, December A.-Trouble
does not mar the pastir1e and pleasure of
the average darkey, for at all times they
seem to be cOntented with their lot. One
day last week while I was driving along
the public road leading to town 1 saw a
young umlatto blowing with a lanky mule
named Beck He was singing Justify. &C.
casionally stopping to reproach the mule
for his obstinacy and waywardness. 1
stopped to listen, and this is what l
heard:
Go on mule: what in de worr are you
stoppin' for? Gee in dere, you lazy whelp.
Brer Moses say dat music
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19

"Um-um: let me see.' he said, rub
bing his head. 4 can't Just think
what it was"
The light faded out of her face; ther
it came again.
Perhaps it was goodnight she
suggested quietly.
He looked at her for full minute:i
looked at her as if she had said some1
thing by mistake: looked at her as
she might have an explanatory REM
or two to add; but she never ffincl
Then he sui up and went away, an,
never came back.
Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-12-19

I'm Tom Hooligan."
in the name av hiven, Hooligan,
plat are We doin' down there?'
''Phat am l doin' here? Why, blast
We, l fell in here; help me out, l tell
you
well, the divil mend We, Hooligan, .
said Joyce; I'VE musht a fell an awful
distance an hit the ground mighty
hard to make hole in the sthreet like
that