The Van Buren press., 1897-02-06

paddle-wheels were working smoothly
and regularly, and though they were
not large enough to give her any speed,
they steadily carried her across the
yard towards the sparrows. Van
Wagner was in ecstasies. He chal-
lenged me to point out any defect in
his flying cat, and when | candidly adj
mitted that it did seem to be COM
plete success, he was the happiest man
in New Berlinopolisville. The cat
came through the air so slowly and
noiselessly that she was within two
yards of the sparrows before they saw
her. When they did catch sight of this
new and startling animal, they were
the worst frightened lot of birds that
were ever seen outside of one of those
so-called happy families, where half a
dozen birds, clean paralyzed with fear,
are shut in cage with cat that has
been filed up with choral, and the pub
lie is asked to regard the exhibition as
a specimen of what will be the usual
sort of thing when the millennium gets
its work fairly in. Those sparrows left
in tremendous hurry. They had a
sudden business call in some distant
part of Illinois, and I don't believe a
single one of them stopped flying until
they had put at least 30 miles between
themselves and Van Wagener's flying
cat.
Now, you see,' said the professor,
how completely successful my inven-
ton is My flying cat will either catch
the sparrows and kill them, or she will
brighten them out of the country. In
either case the great sparrow problem
is solved. 1t makes no difference to
me, as patriotic American citizen,
whether all the British sparrows in the
country are killed, or whether they ore
driven over into Canada. Come to
think of it, should prefer the latter
result, for the driving of monarchical
European birds out of our beloved
country will be AN object lesson in the
enforcement of the Monroe doctrine,
which will be of immense benefit to the
nation
i
crank, was naturally political crank
also, and he was more than two-thrids
mad on the subject of the Monroe doc
trine. When the professor once got
fairly started on the subject of the
Monroe doctrine he forgot everything
else, and he had clean forgotten his fly
ing cat when Mrs. Van Wagner leaned
out of second-story window, and adj
vised him, in case he was going to make
a political speech, to hire hall. She
was a mighty sarcastic woman, and her
contempt for her husbands political
views WAS even greater than her con-
tempt for his scientific achievements.
She was on the point of continuing her
remarks about the professors political
grafton, when she suddenly gave the
awfullest screech that l ever heard
from female lips, though was once in
room full of strong-minded women
when mouse ran across the floor
Mrs. Van WAGNER thought that her
last hour had come, judging from her
screams, but, as I had full view OF
what was taking place, knew it was
only the cat who had come. Having
missed the sparrows the cat turned
partly round to see what had become OF
them, and just then Mrs. Van Wage
ner, having unconsciously put her head
within the animals reach, the cal
judged that her opportunity for max
ing a landing had arrived, and accord
ingly she lit on the top of Mrs. Var
Wagener's head.
Most any woman, not knowing thai
her husband had invented flying cat
would have supposed when some mon
ster with sharp claws, and talent fol
using bad language, came fyin&
through the air and lit ON her head
that nothing less than the sea serpent
or the flying dragons mentioned II
| Scripture, had attacked her. What
with the cats desire to kick hersel
free from her flying apparatus, and hel
anxiety to get square with the human
race, she did more with that poor WON
ans hair in five minutes than any otheC
cat could have done in good half hour
The professor tried to explain that 1
was only tho cat, and begged his wife
not to injure the flying apparatus. /
didn't seem to occur to him that HI
ought to run to his wife's assistance til
l had taken him by the shoulders ant
started him upstairs. don't want yol
to think for a moment that he WASH
anxious to help his wife, but he was s,
in the habit of looking at things from
n scientific point of view, that he for
got that while he was explaining thing
Mrs. Van WAGNER might be clawed 4
such an extent that She would never b,
recognized by her nearest friend. Whel
he had once grasped the idea that sh'
needed his help he fairly flew upstairs
and succeeded in transferring the cat
attentions TO himself. Then had 4
come to the rescue, for the professor
not having hair enough to interest tn
cat, she had devoted her efforts +
Identifying his countenance, and if
hadn't succeeded in pulling her off, ant
tossing her out of the window, sh
would have torn his eyes out, or at al
events ruined his nose. Her balloon
had burst during her interview witt
Mrs. Van Wagner, and consequent.
when / threw her out of the window
she struck the ground pretty, heavil,
and smashed up the paddle wheels. W
never saw her again.
Mrs. Van Wagner made peace wit
her husband ON condition of his max
ing a solemn promise never to have any
thing more to do with flying cats.
consider that she was wrong in so dc
ing, for Van Wngener's invention wa