Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-01-24
now THEY SUFFER.
rHE MEN WHO HAVE TO CARVE
FOR THEIR FAMILIES.
SYMPTOMS OF MATRIMONY.
rhe Mans stinginess Soon Assert.
Itscif-The Delicious sIcep OF r.r
Mornins-hymnen Ficndx and
How 10 Punish Them.

IS head Of large family with an evor-
Increasing appetite, It is nv aptv 20
carve the turkey and slice the ham a,
mcaltimes. This duty is supposed 70 no
post Of honor. and an acknowledpmen,
Of my supremacy. but the honors .ro
suppositonal IN the extreme The man
who performs the carver's function 60
On ante-prandial martyr. used 70
think that there were many emoluments
O., the ofiice-that the carver could al
ways reserve for himself the sizzara ana
the liver, and could discreetly slim into
hts own plate the choicest slice Of the
meat But 1t Is not so. Just when Won
have set your heart on n nice. Juicy giz-
gard and are chewing the same IN
your imagination, your wife will de-
mand it, and there is no appeal from
her order. And then. too, when your
appetite IL sursing violently within Won
Il takes a prince OF unselfshness 70 M
tiently serve the whole household before
you get a bite yourself You smell the
good stun, and you even spatter ~ On
your shirt-bosOm. but not until everv
chick and child has been fed are Won
allowed 10 think OF self. lust abont
that time some one requests YOU 10 ex-
Yiore the inmost depths OF the fowl for
dressing. and when that is done you are
ordered TO dissect the right lung or the
left leg.
Ninety-nine times out OF n hundred
The cook. at great labor to herself. will
deposit the bird in the smallest dish
in the house. That Is the day that com
pany comes, and you are on your dignity.
i'm your noble, perspiring efforts to make
your guests think you are used to having
turkey every day. you succeed in whislI-
iug the fowl across the room. or in your
visitors lap. You see the steely glitter
ln your wife's eye. and you know that
trouble is going 70 follow. Meanwhile.
you spill the gravy on the table and as
you do Il you realize that you are doom
al 10 hear your consort's 999th Grafton
on the impossibility of keeping the table
cloth clean. After an hour Of consum-
mate self-denial. mingled with appre-
tensions Of future domestic infelicity,
you prepare 20 meet your doom. You
are taken aside. and there you are ex-
coriated for your stupidity and roasted
FOR your clumsiness. After having the
tale OF all your other errors hurled into
your teeth, you are told that you made
your slices too thick; that the turkey.
or ham. was expected 10 last d week.
but that, by your prodigality, it Will
only survive two days. On Resurrection
Day / shall expect TO see the heads Of
families. unsulied in their unselfshness.
marching. carving-knife in hand, TO the
pearly gates OF the New Jerusalem. All
OF their faults. If any they had. will have
been wiped away by their fowl martyr
dom.
There are many symptoms Of approach
ing matrimony. Counting couples. who
vainly struggle to deude the public as to
their Intentions might as we'll discard
their strategies at least six months before
the wedding. Even supposng that their
mendacity carries weight, their actions
speak louder than words. Their every
movement is watched. and from these
movements deductions are drawn. Watch
the man. ladies. and pretty soon you'll
settle your doubts At first he's prodigal
OF cash, and Will let no one Guido him
fn expenditures. He IS then struggling
10 gain his foothold. and his unselhshness
is the marvel Of all his old acquaintances.
by and by, when he has scared of the
other hanCers-on, he Will assume the
guidance Of his captive, and will gently
but positively. begin the Issuance or his
orders. He will tell her TO stop being 50
familiar with Thomas Broadtoot and VIII
advise her not TO go down on Main street
where all the men can see her. He VIII
begin 10 kick out Of going TO church on
Sunday nights. and will even presume 10
make suggestions about his fiancee's
clothes. These orders-for orders they
really are-Wiu be strenuously resisted.
Nav. they will be Indignantly resisted
and then II is that the maid submits the
great test to her lover. If he yields TO her
dissentient views, which are violently eX-
pressed. she will despise him, for women
ike 10 be bossed. If, on the other hand
be- remains firm-a thing that's beastly
hard 10 do. by the way-hel be secretly
respected Yes. he viii even he obeyed
or what is lust as well. the girl will make
him think he's being Obeyed. Ihey nave
a way OF making rs think things anyhow
and none know so well as women what
fools men are.
Having reached that stage Of conscious
Flpremacv-a supremacy which the
Woman bv no means allows herself 10
knowledpe-suggestion about matri-
ro.nv are made by the man. He will dell
cately announce that his salary IS not so
large as his white cravats may indicate
but that he's confident two can i've more
cfeauly than one. Hell inquire sns
knows anything about Housekeeping, anu
confess that he's willing 10 quit smoking
l0 cent cigars. II is at this stage that the
v.r,ient matrimonial symptoms (another
name for mans selnshness) assert theth-
selves. Henceforth the presents ne gives
nor have a practical use. They VIII Oe
things he would have 10 purchase as
houeekeeper. There'n be a beautliui es-
crt0ire. or an exquisite tea-set OF pc
lures or books-books by an author whlch
fra man likes The Marechal Nell roses
have ceased TO come long ere this, ana So
TOO have the candies. Almost imper-
csrtibly the couple have dropped out the
habit OF going 10 the theatre-in 1act
thew don't 20 anywhere, except to the
lrte corner on the parlor sofa soiituue
ls their one aim-that Is, mutual soil'uue
Then. last OF all, the mar clothes sSt
dlapldated and the world knows ne
saving money. 1t also knows Tor what
The law, in prescribing the limits VI
tusufabie homicide allows but rev cases
wherein II will pardon the taxing ol
i1ssn Nfe. In my opinion it should pe
more liberal. for there are many oIIehceS
which merit the slaughter of the OF
fender. vet only punish him with the
rent-up Indignation Of his Victim Inc
man. or woman. either for that mat'er'
who throws rice al bridal eouple
should De eibbeted. not hanged or electro
cgt.l. The two latter methods OF exc
clron would not begin 10 give the hehd
bis Just deserts A wedding Is the tlne
o. an others when the bridegroom ieeis
most Ike a fool, and 70 have MS stuiti-
f.r. ..~.f.f...s tba world In TINS