The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1897-07-25
DIFFICULT PROBLEMS
Which Have Driven Their Projectors
Crazy.
From the Cinclnnati EnouIrer.

from the Cincinnati Enquirer.
The prevalent passions of every age are
reflected in the monomaniacs of lunatics.
and our American bedlams will soon have
to establish special wards for crack brain
ed inventors Five hundred years ago the
world was full of hyperphyscal visiona-
ries and witch hunters, but our practical
contemporaries have largely relinquished
the pursuit of ghosts and chimeras and
| transferred their attention to the chase of
! terrestrial will -the-wisps Even in Scot
land perpetuum mobile bedlamites are
now more frequent than specter mongers.
and in our happy hunting grounds of the
patent broker there are districts where
every village can boast a chemical miracle
worker or protector of a scheme for re-
deeming mankind by mechanical contriv-
ances.
Ihey pity the infatuation of rival enthu-
slasts and few weeks ago, when the
queens jubilee covered the city of Wind
sor' Ontario, with patriotic flags, a Mich
lgan coS-wheel prophet openly expressed
his amazement at the perversity of a gem
Grafton that could waste time and brass
music on such follies, when they ought to
celebrate his invention of a double-action
wagon motor and plan for obvating the
risk of railway accidents
NAA' L. > HSeu, says Detroit paper,
is an arsenal of mechanical prodigies
ana If the crank of the universe should
happen to get pulled out person of his
abilities could be relied upon to replace
the loss"
His plan of fastening the advent of the
golden age consists in an arrangement for
preventing the shocks that often cause the
demolition of rolling wagons.
Hitch tour horses to a heavy box" he
says, and drag it along a rough road. Ten
to one that your inch planks will be SILVER
ed before the end of the first mile. 1t is
the Joltings-sudden checks to progress
that did it. We partially prevent that
risk by the use of wheels. that turn and
thus relieve the strain at rough points on
the road. Why not prevent it altogether
by making the axle turn as wei as the
wheels? Curricles thus constructed would
De almost accident proof; the perils of trav-
ell would be reduced to a minimum: ner-
Vousness would disappear. Nothing but
the base selfshness of conservatism has
delayed the triumph of my reform, but
triumph 1t Will, in spite OF an information
conspiracy of rogues and blockheads"
he Will not set the Thames afire." used
TO be an Old England phrase to describe
a person of limited abilities; but quite A
number OF speculative chemists really con-
slider the nonsolution of that problem a
scandal to the intelligence of our boosted
age OF science. Rivers, they argue could
and should furnish a limitless supplv of
Iue' ana there is no denying the fact that
the fluid called water consists of two
hlghly combustible gases. Julius Parr an
eXperimenter, who had rented a basement
workshop on Slater street, Liverpool
startled the neighborhood of his den bv a
series OF house shaping explosions. and
became violently abusive when a commit
Tee OF landlords asked him to limit his pur-
SUIT OF novelties to less ear-sDlittinsy SIR
DrlSeS. drift n
monitor to stop the field maneuvers that
MED the atmosphere with the smoke and
hideous noises of homicidal contrivances.
while ne, the neglected and abused re-
cluse, was laboring for the REDEMPTION of
that large portion of the human race that
pass their existence in the dismal climate
OF fugid ATTITUDES. In conclusion he ex-
pressed his resolve to save his fellow
men in spite of themselves, and five min
utes after another explosion started the
rocks from the cupola of a neghboring
church.
The legal adviser of the committee then
petltioned TO have the shop closed as a
public nuisance; and the emotional chem
ist was obliged to explain that the detona-
tons were caused by the strong affinity of
hydrogen for the oxygen of the common
air.
NO doubt; but that does not give you a
right to shake the real estate of your
township for mile around" observed the
court.
Perhaps not. for selfish motives said
the defendant; but just consider what
interests of the whole human race are
at stake; If l succeed we can turn win
ter into summer and night into day where
ever there is assufficient supply of the
fluid that covers three-fourths of the sur
race OF our planet. Is IL fair to interrupt
me when 1 have so nearly ACCOMPLISHED
the task of my life? You prosecute me in
the name of your petty bylaws, and OBJ
lige me to tell you that 1 shall obey a
higher law"
The eloquence OF the old monomaniac
made the court hesitate, and after brief
inquiry into his antecedents he was dis
missed with the advice to conduct his ex-
periments with a little more circumspec-
ton; but when he soon after set his shop
afre and routed the neighbors who has
tened to his assistance IL could no longer
be doubted that he was actually crazy.
He fought like a Bashi Bazouk when the
representatives OF law and order entered
his den, but when they had handcuffed
him he became Suddenly calm. VERY
well, then" he said; my work Is done
and for all ! care after this you NAV
freeze and starve to your hearts content.
But" he added. "a time will come when
your supply OF sea coal will be exhausted
and then you will bitterly regret your
treatment Of a man who was on the point
sea ITSELF"
The offer Of large reward for the dis
covery Of a reliable process for ascer-
tanning the geographical longitude OF a
ship at sea employed only professional as
tronomers. but similar offer for a plan
20 prevent the counterfeitlng OF bark
notes had 10 be revoked on account Of
the enormous crop Of crank projects thus
evolved year after year, tll the mere
work OF separating the eccentric but
feasible from the absolutely insane
schemes would have employed an army
OF commissioners. Among the most IN
gcnious. though not quite available, plans
there was a proposition TO engrave treas
ury notes upon a substance that couid be
used only IN combination with a highly
complicated and 80 expensive apparatus
that private manufacturers would shrink
from the thought OF competition. Several
projectors wanted the government TO dis
tinguish it, promssory bills By secret
trade marks TO be revealed only 10 busi-
ness men. and TO be changed from time
20 time IN manner 70 battle imtators,