davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1897-02-13
A Chinese McPher.on.
he London and China Telegraph,

From the London and China Telegraph
In New Zealand the Chinaman abounds,
and he has to resort to strategy to make
good his position. In Otago, where
Scotchmen are in the majority. contract
for mending road was to be let, and the
most acceptable bid was signed "McPher-
son." Notice was sent to the said Nc
Fherson to complete the contract, and 10!
he appeared In all the glory of yellow
hue and pigtail! But" gasped the presi-
dent Of the board. your name can't be
McPherson?" "All l!ghtee," cheerfully
answered John Chinaman, nobody catchee
contact in Otago unless he named Mac"
The contract was signed. and the Mon
golian Mcpherson did his work as well
as if he had hailed from Glasgow.
Evening star., 1897-02-13

oncet in while"
Still it seems kinder easy. | recolleck
tibet when l told ye this afternoon thet
some women wouldn't put up weth yer diIa-
toriness bout the chores, ye turned around
at me solemn-like an said L was not the
only pebble on the beach,
Yes. That's a purity good one. amt 1t.
Everybody ter town is sayin' that now"
An then, says you, Mrs. c., you ain't
the only date in the almanac. You kin git
Yes. 1 heard a feller standin' in front
Of a theayter say that. It's a fine one,
too
But don't see ez it constitutes any ex-
cuse fur not gittin' in the fire wood. /
know ye clean furgot it: an l concluded
that ! don't express myself in sech way
ez ter ketch yer attention an impress yer
memory I'm goin' ter try new plan. L
fust wanter call yer attention to ther
fact thet the wood box is empty, an mex
ter the fack that you do more setin'
around an gittin' warm, an less carryin'
in wood than any other man in the town.
ship. incidentally l desire ter remind We
thet you amt the only checker on the
board. You kin git jumped"
"Whut's that?"
Keep quiet, Jcsiar. You amt the only
brick in the pavement: YOU kin git walked
on. Likewise, you amt the only gold brick
in the metropolis: you kin git Sold
"Looky here"
"Hcld up. Josiar. 1 amt a-goin' ter
waste all the studyin' up thet I've did.
You amt the only trump in the game; You
kin git turned down."
He stared at her in silence.
Il almost wish ye weren't sech a peace
able man, Josiar. In that case they'd be
some reason in my tellin' ye that you amt
the only ticket IN the railroad Office: you kin
git punched. Neither are you the only
doubtful county in the lection; you kin git
throwed out"
She opened the door that closed after him
as he made a precipitate exit, and, calling
out into the back yard, said:
Il wish ye'1 remeber. too. thet the first
stick We happen ter put yer hands on aim t
the only tune in the church organ; it kin
play out"
But the noise of the ak wholly obscured
the remark.
Evening star., 1897-02-13
A Determined Pursuit.

1t was very early in the morning when
the policeman saw a man lurking about the
doorway of a residence He would go out
and peer up the street, then he would
march up and down the front walk for a
few minutes like sentry. Whenever a
wagon ratified along an adjacent street he
dodged into the vestibule. The promptness
with which he reappeareG showed that he
had not gone into the house TO get warm.
The policeman's curiosity was aroused and
he went over and accosted him.
what are you lettering around this place
fcr?" he inquired
st pay rent for this place." was the rath-
er ungracious reply: I've read the lease
over and there isn't anything in it that
says can't loiter when feel like it,
But what are you carrying that gun
for? Don't you know that I could arrest
you for carrying concealed weapons? You
might as well make a clean breast of it,
"Well, it isn't anything to be ashamed Of
This gun isn't loaded. I just wanted to
scare him with it."
"Whom?'
''The ice man."
Why, you're not taking ice in February.
I've tried not to take 1t. 1 ordered II
left here last May. About the middle of
November 1t occurred to my wife that we
might just as well nave II stopped. She
undertook to tell the ice man that we
didn't want any more. But ne would ring
the door bell and run. The servant girl
tried 1t. She yelled with all her might. But
TO one would have thought he heard her
II he hadn't turned around to laugh at her,
He sends his bills by small boys, who saw
they will tell him to stop the ice and don't.
Now I'm taking my turn at trying to get
his attention"
"Wky don't you refuse to pay the bills ?''
sThen he'd sue me ard make me pay the
costs"
"why don't you hunt him up In bis
ofice?"
"How DO I know that he would be In!
You can't suggest anything IT'S one OF
tho cases that can't be arbitratsd. have
Evening star., 1897-02-13
ONE OF THE MEAN ONES.
A Man Who Might Have Been Mean
Enough to Have Stolen His Inherit


Enough to Have stolen His Inherit
ance.
-Four or FIVE preachers. at q preachers
meeting last week. or, rather, after the
meeting was over. were discussing some OF
the peculiar people they had been brought
into contact with during their various pas
torates.
THE very nearest man I ever knew"
said a pastor, whose nasal twang betrayed
his Yankee origin, was a married man,
though, as a rule, the really meanest men
are bachelors. for obvious reasons. This
party was fairly well-to-do. and expected
to be enriched by the death of an old uncle
to tho extent Of at least one hundred thou
sand dollars. He was q man Of about
forty-five. and was. on the surface, an ex-
tremely pious kind of a man, with strict
ideas Of biblical interpretations. At this
time the rich Old uncle, millionaire, oy
the way was approaching the scriptural
limit Of human existence-three score and
ten-and his pious nephew had begun to
figure en- what he was going to do with his
snare OF the old gentleman's fortune. The
latter. however, did not hold to scriptural
interpretations, but held on until he was
ninety-oae years old. Then he departed,
and as per expectation when the estate
was settled up the pious nephew re-
more or less. He ought to have been
satisfied. of course, but he wasn't. and af-
ter mouthing around about his hard luck,
he finally capped the climax by suing the
trustees of the residue of the estate, which
had been willed to charity, for the interest
on one hundred thousand dollars at six per
cent for the time that elapsed between the
three score and ten limit and the date of
the death Of his uncle q period of twenty
one years and three months, the whole
amount of interest being $127. 800. He even
went so far as to swear that six per cent
was too low, and that he could have got
eight right along for the whole time if the
old man had died when the Bible said he
ought to die. Being in the family, how
ever, he was willing to discount the rate Of
interest twenty-five per cent. Now, did
you ever hear Of anything worse than
that?"
And not a man there did.
Evening star., 1897-02-13
A Change of Venus.
From the Troy Times.

Fr0m the Troy Times.
He WAS about as black as the traditional
ace of spades, and two dusky damsels, each
Of whom claimed the right to. call him hus-
band. sat bolt upright in the court room
and giared at the defendant.
''Yor honor" said the prisoner, 'I want
to apply for change of venus in this
case
"On what ground?" inquired the court.
Il want change of venus" repeated
the defendant, because one of desc women
Is prejudiced agin me-"
Evening star., 1897-02-13
In Good Company.

How very frequent patriots finds
themselves somewhat perpicNed
By need o maxim up their minds
Whut BUSINESS they'll try next.
And it's surprisin' whut a lot
Who riz to nights sublime
(Which means the offices they goO
Is putin in their time
Jes lecturin'.
Human destfny's the same
Any way ye look
An artist finds II was the frame
An not his work thet took
The artisan concludes he'll be
a walkin delegate:
An so they go II, loud an free,
The small 'uns weth the great,
Jes lecturin'.
An there's case much nearer homA
L recolleck the day
When Mandy sposed tibet life would roam
Eternaliy through May.
l was her bright ideal when
Our hearts We both confessed.
Her disapp intment came. Sence theI
She's been like all the rest,
Jes lecturin.
Evening star., 1897-02-13
There Were Others,

Josiar," remarked Mrs. Corntossel, as
her husband sat down to supper. I've been
kind o gfttin worried bout our domestic
life. I've allus believed thet a woman orter
keep up weth her husband in knowin'
whuts goin' on; but sense ye went ter
town. I'm gittin' kind O. 'fraid thet we've
got leetle the start of me. So I've been
a-practicin' up; an ef l make a few mis-
Evening star., 1897-02-13
Query of the Times.

From the Chi-ago Fost.
The lover was enthusiastic.
''She has poetry in her eyes," he ex-
claimed.
"Yes?" returned the cynic tantalizingly
''She has roses in her cheeks" persisted
the lover
"Yes?" returned the cynic again.
''She has music in her voice." asserted
the lover defIantly.
"And what in the bank?' queried the
cynic.
Evening star., 1897-02-13

lived in the grasp of tyra1n long enough,
and now I'm on the oppr assor's trail. Or
oinariiy I'm as forglving SIS n one-eyed leit-
ten, but I've worked myself up into the
furnor for this undertakingy and now. COM
pared to me. an Eskimo waiting over for
seal to come out OF his hole is a cyclone OF
impetuos.ty. I'm not going TO daily with
the situation any longer. I've gotten leave
or absence from the Office for today and
m going to catch him In the act of leav-
ing that ice and have II out with him,
man to man. If ii takes the entire twenty
four hours of it,"
Evening star., 1897-02-13
His "Iem.o

From the Pttsburg Chronicle Telegraph
Mrs. ORocney," said the Rev, Father
McMurphy, why do l never see Patrick
at church now?''
Mrs. @ Rooney shook her head sadly.
rs 1t anarchism?''
''Warse than thot. yer riverence"
us is atheiSm?''
"Warse, yer riverence."
What is 1t, then?'
"Rheumatism.'
Evening star., 1897-02-13

takes, l hope ez how
yen be patient an
sorter boost me alcng
gentle, SOS 1 won't
git discouraged"
I'm blest eff i know
W h ut ye're drivin'
at" was the reply.
"Ef it's S tyle, of
course 1t wus ter be
expected thet I'd pick
up a thing or two
whileS / was in town
wetn the boys. Ye
can't expect ter keep
right up ter date on
less ye go ter town
Evening star., 1897-02-13
For All Practical Purposes.

From the Chicago Tribune.
my friend" said the traveller with the
skull cap. putting his head out of the car
window as the train stopped at desolate-
looking village. what Is the name of this
dried-up. God-forsaken placeg' That's
near enough" responded the detected cit
izen who was leaning against the red
shanty. Let 1t go at that
Evening star., 1897-02-13
DIR. Fahrney's Bis Book.
from tbe BOSTON Journal-

From the Boston Journal.
OF biggest books in the world" there is
no end. but 1t is believed that the blank
book of greatest weight, size and bulk be-
longs to an eccentric physician Of Balti-
more, one DR.. Fahrney. 1t was made In
Chicago. in 1891. 1t weighs exactly 80
pounds and Z ounces, and has leaves made
of the very best rope MANILA. The cover
of this giant De bookA weighs 80 pounds,
locks. The book cost the doctor S65.
Evening star., 1897-02-13
A Defeated Plan.

From the Detroit Free Press.
What's the matter, chum?" asked the
college student of his roommate, who was
making the air dark blue.
Matter? l wrote tie governor to send
me some money for text books, and here
he's sent me the books. I can never pay
my bills at this rate"
Evening star., 1897-02-13
Domestic Use Of Science

From the Chicago Record.
'1t Is certainly wonderful how much
science can do for u.s.
'Yes; Mrs Frontrow has learned to hyp-
notice her baby, and che didn't miss a club
n eetipg the whole week."
Evening star., 1897-02-13
His Epitaph.

From the Cincinnati Tribune.
Hear what they are going to put on the
old planters tombetone?"
mo. What?"
HE wouldn't raise anything but corn on
his plantation, so the epitaph Is to be Corn,
but not for cotton"
Evening star., 1897-02-13
Easier I'm Her Time.
the LIouisyille COurier-Jourpal

A good joke on a schoolma'a am comes
frcm Cumberland Gap. and Is told by the
Middlesborough News. A lady teacher told
one Of the boys to name all the Presidents,
and when he replied he couldn't, the teach
er said: when was AZ old as you I could
name all the Presidents In their order"
The boy replied: There were only q few
Presidents them"
Evening star., 1897-02-13
Misleading.
From Life.


Snooper-''This gloomy show which does
not draw was advertised under two misap-
prehensiors."
Swayback-"What were they""
''It was booked as an attraction and
then advertised as comic opera"
Evening star., 1897-02-13
A Climatic Theory.

Come hyuh!' exclaimed Pickaninny Jims
mother. "Temme Whut yoh done learn in
school terday."
Il done learn lot fings." was the
reply.
Did yoh learn anything bout dishore
modern provement dat dey calls colleck-
tricity?'
Nom. No one amt said er word ter
me bout dat
well, yoh tell me when iey does. De
fus' time anybody stahts in ter teach yer
collecktricity, yoh come straight home,
even eff yoh has ter break de rules. Dat
day yoh quits school an goes ter wuck in
er brick yahd."
What is yer got agin 1t, nanny"
1T gibs folks too much chance ter show
dah meanness; OATS whut L got agfn it
calIn' in d, hep O. science ter bring 1t
OUT
Il clah's. NANNY. l don't know whut
you's talkin bout"
us talkin' bout groun'-hog day; dats
whut is talkin' bout"
Den whut makes yer keep mentionin'
sometin' else?
rs ta'kin' bout 'em bof tergevver. Did
de sun shine enough on de second O. Feb
'uary ter glib dat v oodchuck a chance ter
see is shadderg
mo, NANNY
AN amt it gone ahaid, jes' de same. an
showed an blowe1 an friz an slushed, jes'
like de groun'-hog hadn' had muffin ter do
all dat day, ceppin' wink at de sum-"
"Hit sutn'y hab been scan'lous.''
How does yer 'spiain it?" she inquired.
growing oratorical femme dat; how does
yer 'splain it?'
II dunno"
II does. 1 didn' ak nobody; stood dah
at de- wash-tub a-washin' an a worryin'
tell at last my mind told me. My mind
says ter me dat desc white folks Is gittin'
mighty smaht bout de wedder. Tain so
long ago dat dey Nus shootin' at de clouds
tryin' ter skyah de rain down. Whut some
body done wus ter stan long side er dat
hole waitin' fob de groun'-hog ter come
out. He had one er desc collecktric lights
wifi 'im an ez soon ez de animal begin
ter look aroun' fer lis shadder dis man
flash de light. OATS some peoples idea oh
ha bbn' er good time. An now, ev'y time
1t blows up storm, he jes' lays back an
laugh an holler ter hissef bout whut er
good good joksOe dOneNplased on de res er Dc
Evening star., 1897-02-13
Better Lenrn.
From the Detroit Free Press.

frOm tne DctiOah cIee EEesSs
''Going slsatin' fore longr' asked little
Jimmie Of his sisters beau. who was wait
ing in the parlor. ~ don't skate, my boy.
Why? II heard Jennie say IL you wanted
her you better be gettin' your skates on,
cause they was otherk"
Evening star., 1897-02-13
An Accomplished Mother,

From the Cleveland Record.
"It Is certainly wonderful how much
science can do for u.s."
YES: Mrs. Frontrow has learned to hyp-
notize her baby. and she didn't miss a
club meeting the whole week"
Evening star., 1897-02-13
ThesshsaR1d valentin.

fheShGS-01 saiehune.
When sentleNSuss,5of Stella rise
(or any oths as5ffair).
And you in rib ng apos,rophize
Her lips, her 5ehrOws and her hair;
JUS as tke mg fr smoothly starts
And ins tirafth breaks the gloom.
The band SraGS near. The muse departs
The crash dhpels her cherished arts
"Br-r-r-r-odm! zing Boom.."
The prelude always holds Its place:
whatece5 thetune. ,,is always found.
UncAansipg as star In space.
That earthquake In the realms CT sound
And Fancy. to the window sped.
Is jostling With the crowd for room.
That treasured simile has fed:
Alone tits echoing THOUGH yoG casss,
That 'B-r-kr-r-osh. zing EeeAslr
So. be nos,.,..,y. .ess ssff.A{I\ IA.
To censure any seemiSs5ssiMt: -
But. trusting ,tAst the win vas saisrs.f,
Pity the suiler,l lucfssssSplisAsA Ma
To phrase q tribute nne he ssuaht,S
But who. thus boldly would ptesume.
And think to greet you a. he ought
while what snthrails his innsoSs thought
Il "B-r-r-r-r-som! zing Boomli"
Evening star., 1897-02-13
Price of a Postage Stamp.

From the Chicago Record.
AN American friend tells u.s. says a
foreign paper, that he saw the following
written up on a post Office away back in
the states: The price of a 2-cent stamp is
cents licked and stuck. cents. Any
further information can be obtained from
the pcStmaSter'''
Evening star., 1897-02-13
Just as Good as Dead.
the Pittsburc DISPATCH.

From the Pittsburs Dispatch.
An Atchison. Kan. man who was report
ed dead. came down town and told the
Globe that he was very much alive. The
Globe made the correction, but added that
he was just as good as dead. as he had
two cancers.
Evening star., 1897-02-13
Appropriate.
From he Chicago Tribune.

What sign do you think ought to put
up in front of my place Of business?" ask
ed the man who had opened a morgue.
:. Remains to be seen.'" suggested the
friend who had dropped in.
Evening star., 1897-02-13
Cause of the Deficiency,

From the indianapolis Journal
Il think the picture lacks atmosphere"
said the kindly critic. "Fact is" said the
artist. II had a hard time raising the wind
while was painting"
Evening star., 1897-02-13

The heating and boiler plant OF the
State. War and Navy Departments build
irs." said Commander Baird. U.SN., sup
The age-herald., 1897-09-07
Thanking Philadelphia.

Birmingham is the first southern city to formally thank the press of Philadel- phia for their recent friendly expressions Towards the south in general and Ala bama in particular. The Comesnrcial club did a very graceful act in their showing appreciation of kindly servces rendered to this section. The south .is mot slow ito recognize a friendly act nor will it ever be backward in giving evil dence of material interest where oeca- sion warrants.
 Philadelphia has shown most Hb- eral spirit through the recent editorials in her leading journals, favoring the turning of the tide of immigration and capital ito the south, instead of to ehe west, as heretofore. And whle the rec ognition of the south's advantages has been somewhat slow in maturing, that it has at length appeared and in such clear and positive statements. should fill every southern heart with pride and gra tification. Birmingham sincerely thanks Philadelphia for ehis friendly interest, and may it indeed mark the opening of a new era of mutual regard between the south and Philadelphia.
The age-herald., 1897-09-07
HOW IT HAPPENED.

By Col John Hay. pray you, pardon me, Elsie,
 And smile that frown away That aims the light of your lovely face JAS a thunder cloud the day. II really could not help it- Before I thought twas done And those great gray eyes flashed bright Like an icicle in the sun. T was thinking of the summers When we were boys and girls And wandered in the blossomng woods : And the gay winds romped with your Il curls; And you seemed to me the same little kissed in the alder path. I kissed the girls lips, and, alas.
 nave reused a wOman'S wrath, There is not so much to pardon
 For why were your lips so red? Ine blonde hair fell in a shower of gold From the proud, provoking head And the beauty that flashed from the
 splendid eyes Rushed over my soul like warm sweet
 wind
 That blows from the fragrant south. And where, after all, is the harm done l believe we were made to be gay, And all of youth not given to love
 Is vainly squandefed away. And strewn through life's low labors, Like in the desert sands, Are loves sweet kisses and sighs and vows And the clasp of elingng hands. And when you are old and lonely,
 In Memory's magic shrine You will see. on your thin and wasting Like gems, these kisses of mine, And when you muse at evening".
 At the sound of some vanished name. The ghost of my kisses shall touch your
 lips,
 And kindlc -our hear. to flame.
The age-herald., 1897-09-07
IN A HUMOROUS VEIN.

Hn Chieago.-"I wish a pair of rub bers." "'What displacement, Miss ?''- Truth.
 He-"Whait do you find so fascinating about surf-bathing?" She-"Oh, merely tRle habit. lt."-Brooklyn Life.
 Sally Gay-'What kind of a fellow is Jack KisrSnger?' Dolly Swift-"An os- culatory kleptoma an4ac. c."-Puck.
 uracomprehensible. Walker "Poor Wicozer's life was one long failure" !" Gs,aacstein-'And yet he died poor!- Philadelphia North American.
 Parr (aged siNty)-"I don't feel any older ithan when 1 left college" Synex --"Probably not; and you don't think you know half as much. '-BoSton Tran scrirt.
 "fTafn allus de energy you puts inter wdTut you does dat counks," said Uncle Eben. Some folks doesrf mind me ob muffin but a skyrocket p'inted upside down. n.'-Washfngt Star.
 Part of the Bluff -"Why," she finally ventured to falber, do you look so sad when we are aiUting thus?' Because, ' he answered, gazing tsrderly down fnf,o fssr troubled eyes, "a man always looks sad when he holds a lovely hand" She wafs something treasured although she did not alfog nderstand.-Detro1t Journal.
 The KoIfndyke gold miner held up a nugget which he had just found. 1r was as big as his fist. "Isn'. that a beauty?' he asked. The co,ncensus of opinion was tIhiat the nugget was a beauty, ipdeed. ''Yes, indeed" said one of dhe old hancs, after tho others had expressed their admination, "that nugget IS easily worth its weight in corned beef. Bazaar.
 Returns of All Kinns-"Married men are coming home now, telling yarns about big fish" "Yes, and the young men ten bigger yarns about ehe girls who fell in love with them" And the girls tell whoppers about the msn who fell in love with them." What do the mariied women have to ten?" "They tell everybody how awfully dirty their houses get while Ihey are aWay."-Ch!- cago Record.
 Difficult Retroepaction.- friends" :" exclaimed the eloquent minister, were the average man to turn and book him. self squarsly in the eyes, and ask him. self what he really needed most, whait would be the frs. reply suggested to his mind?" "A rubber neck" shouted the precocious lIrchin in the rear of the room; and, in the confusion which fol- lowed, the good man lost his place in his manuscript, and began over again. Puck,
The age-herald., 1897-09-07
A Temperance Factor.

The consumption of liquor has greatly fallen off in this country during the past year or two. Everywhere it is evident that there is less intemperance than for merly. and in many cities the liquor men find it difficult to make living.
 It is greatly to the credit of the masses that they have given up the drinking habit to a great extent during the hard dimes. The money spent for liquor is al- ways wasted. and when it is saved it means food, clothes and shelter for thousands who would otherwise have to suffer.
 The prohibitionists may look upon hard times as their ally. Financial de- pression is a powerful temperance fac- tor. Occasionally 1t may drive a. man to drink, but as a rule, it brings sensible men down to work, and keeps their heads clear enough to enable them to at tend to business. This is becoming re- markedly sober country.
The age-herald., 1897-09-07
Town and Country.

Tn the year 1920, less than a quarter of century from now, the cities of the union, at their present rate of growth will contain ten million more than half the population of the coun- try at that time. With such prepon- derance of population, magazine writer says that the cities should then control the politics of the nation, and he urges them to take special pains with the political education of all the children within their border.
 How shall this be managed? Perhaps boards of education composed of poli-