Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1897-10-10
AN ATTACK OF LUMBAC0.

my VIE IN an indignant tone. l call
it outrageous!
Especially with girls like Margar-
eta about l suggested, slyly.
But my wife was in no mood for
testing over this affair.
1 wish you wouldn't make Jokes
out of everything she retorted Grossly
1t is scandalous that the vicar should
remain bachelor 1t ought not to be
allowed. Everybody admits that it is
the bounden duty of a beneficed cler-
gyman to marry. Look what an in
valuable help wife is in parish.
You can't deny that, can your
Certainly not, my dear. 1t is
quite indisputable,' l assented, for it
was after dinner. l was spelling for
my nap. and it was my hope if | al
lowed by wife to silence me in argu-
ment she would let the discussion drop.
Wherein, to my great thankfulness, I
was not deceived.
But although no more was said on
the subject just then, this idea which
l had so lightly mooted and which my
wife had jumped at with such eager
ness was not allowed by that perse-
vering angel to rest The keenness
with which she threw herself into her
new scheme, the energy with which
she set herself to execute it, excited
my supreme wonder and amusement.
No little dodge whereby the vicar and
Margaretta might be brought together
was too barefaced for her; no little
preteXt was too fiimsy. She inveigled
the reverend gentleman into little dim
ners, luncheons, teas, picnics, at which
it was invariably managed that he
should be brought into close proximity
with Margaretta. She made them
partners at tennis and croquet, at whist
and four-handed chess. The vicar evil
IDENTIFY enjoyed all this-as a pastime-
for Margaretta was very pretty. But
while he f1irted with her, decorously
and as clergyman should, and even
sometimes went rather farther than a
clergyman should, he never went, nor
had any idea of going, to the length
which Margaretta pinned for.
you, my dear fellow, are married
man, and you know the ways of wo-
men. You will, therefore, feel no sur
prise to hear that neither Miss Barker
nor my wife thought for minute of
being content with these impractical
flirtations. Nor will it cause you the
smallest sensation of wonder to be
informed that the entire blame for the
wears declining to toe the scratch
was shunted onto me. If l had been
a half man. etc., If | had cared frac
ton of straw for my wife's peace of
mind etc., If l had been at all like
some other husbands she knew etc.
However, you, being married, have all
this at your fingers ends, so l will not
go into that part of it. Nor will I
dwell upon the piteous accounts given
me by my wife of poor Margaretta's
breaking heart, and of how she was
pining and wasting away, and qualify
ing for early quarters in the local GEM
etery. That is an old story which |
will take leave to skip, and will resume
my narrative after an interval of two
or three months.
"One morning | was sent for in my
professional capacity to visit our vicar.
The complaint from which l found him
suffering was Of quite trifing nature,
being nothing more serious than an at
ebSh VI luliiDdSO, anu uOI ii Ntiy OeNCtc
attack at that, for he was perfectly
free from pain in most postures, and
was only very violently gripped by the
malady when attempting to rise after
STOPPING or kneeling. Still, of course
this was sufficiently inconvenient to a
clergyman, and it precluded his taking
part in the church services, and he was
particularly anxious to be we'll again
by the following Sunday
Now, there's no doubt about it,
lumbago does give rise to some very
ridiculous situations. In fact, the pa
TENTS movements when trying, if you
understand me, to side round that
particular posture, in which he knows
that he will be gripped, and to gain
desired perpendicular by lodging, so to
speak, the muscles of his own back, are
often extremely grotesque. Take it,
also, that the patient is one who brides
himself on the dignity of his deport-
ment-as our vicar did-and this gro
tesqueness is appreciably enhanced.
indeed, what could be a funnier sight
to see than dignity struggling with
lumbago? I, myself, though hardened
by professional experience, have often
derived the hugest amusement from it.
And | certainly did so in this case.
Our excellent vicar was extremely
sorry for himself He gave me a
graphic account of the torturing agon
les which he had endured in trying to
rise from a kneeling posture in church
where he had been suddenly seized
and how 1t had taken him a good five
minutes to regain his feet. | prescrib-
ed some of the usual remedies and
promised to call again in a day of two.
When | reached home the first question
my wife asked me was:
Well, what is the matter with the
vicar?'
Only a touch of lumbago,' / an
swered
Then he will be unable to attend
the parish Conversations this evening,
l suppose?'
oh, no. have told him that he
may keep all his social engagements.
Church is the only thing tabooed. be-
cause the poor man cannot kneel. or.
rather when he kneels cannot set
up again.
"'Oh! 1 am glad that he will be
there this evening. The parish con-
versazione without the vicar would be
quite the play without the Hamlet,
would it not?'
Yes-for Margaretta, 1 replied,
jestingly.
~ said that M, r,,rro.a - H.