The Van Buren press., 1897-05-29
woke Up the Wrong Man.


Texas with one eye shet and see that he
was most unconstitutionally and serene
ly drunk. His eyes looked like new
money, and every side of the car was
his. He was steppin as high and awk-
ward as a blind steer calf in tall oats,
and sweatin like free niger on cleo
ton day. He called the colored indi-
vidllal which seemed to be managin the
passengers and the train and every
thing in sight, and went on to say:
Amt you the porter of this carp
Oats me to dead immortal GER
tainty, boss" says the porter.
well, you will please taloe due and
proper notice that am on my way to
Ardmore and as drunk as seven fools
in one bunch" says the gentleman from
Texas
81 reserve the general calamity of
the surroundins, boss" says the porter,
and with that he bowed several SO lows
and q couple of duets for the pleasure
of the passengers.
Put me off at Ardmore," the Texas
man went on. 81 am tired now and
sleepy too. Put me off at Ardmore.
By that time l will be dreamin about
the election and sleepin the sleep of
the Just. But put me off at Ardmore
I maybe mought not want to git off,
but that don't make a continental durn
bit of difference. You put me off at
Ardmore Here is one dollar in clean,
cold cash.
otis the last silver dollar
Left shinin alone;
All her sixteen companions
Are squandered and gone
Remember what | say, and put me
off at Ardmore, for if you don't there
will be a third-class funeral some
where's along the line of this railroad
before the sun goes down behind the
western hills tomorrow"
with the greatest of incongruity l
will put you off at Ardmore, boss, If
it brings on another war and breaks
up the plans of salvation" says the por-
ter, as that last silver dollar" ratified
down into his flank pocket
And then, in less time than three min
utes, the gentleman from Texas and
everybody on the car but the con-
ductor and porter had went sound to
sleep. Twenty-six miles beyond Ard
more everybody woke up all of sud
dint like. The gentleman from Texas
had caught the porter and was now
maxim the native night air hot in great
streaks and patches and blue in spots
as big as a horse blanket.
"You Internal slou-footed, box-ankled.
tangly-haired, black rascal!-didn't !
tell you to put me off at Ardmore"
BLESSED Moses and de angels! Is
dat you, boss?" says the porter and his
eyes bulged out as big as two saucers'
'Fore God, boss-didn't put you off at
Ardmore? Maybe l must of woke UP
de wrong man, but found him in de
next car, and bless de heavens if didn
think it was you. He was sleep, and he
was superbly drunk. Hewas from Tex
as. and he wanted to bet on de cleo
ton. He bucled and he kicked, and he
pitched and cussed and fit till it was
plum scandalatious, but | put him oil
at Ardmore, like ! was told. Look al
nv clothes, boss-tore into baby duds
and doll rags-and my face SO bad
scratched and bunged up till they won't
know nv wife's husband from any com
mon nigger in town when | git home
Ise mighty sad and sorry, boss, and
will give You back your dollar with my
double-breasted compliments. But Il
didn't put a white man off at Ardmor'
creation has jumped a cog and the mig
ger never was set free"
At the next station the gentleman
from Texas changed cars to return bacf
to Ardmore, whilst the porter proceed
ed to manage the train to the best OF hui
ability.