The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1897-07-15
THE LlMEklLN CLUB.
Brother Gardner Stops Dispute About
Noah's Ark.

the routine work of the meeting had been
disposed of at the last meeting of the Lime,
kiln club, 81 want to say to yo' right yero
an now DAT bylaw No rs, $50 will be Wig
orously enforced dis winter Dat bylaw.
as mos of yo' know, am to de effeck dat
any member of dis club who shall start
religus discushun shall be deemed guilty
of Inisdemeanor an render hisself liable to
a fine of $25, 600. This cslb numbers Bap
lists, Methodists, Presbyterians, Unitari-
ans, Universalists, atheists, Adventists
an seheral other sorts of religion among
it's members, an dat bylaw was wise TO
thought II man wants a pertickler
brand of religun, OATS all right, an he
must raise no objeckshuns ag in somebody
else's brand Let each one live up to his
own an make de best of it.
Bout two weeks ago I was in coal
ya'd to ask If coal had riz up or gone
down, an l run across Brudder Shindig
Watkins an Brudder Badfoot Jones. Brud
der Watkins am Baptist, an Brudder
Jones hangs out wild de Universalists. Dey
had got into dispute bout Noah's ark.
De one said it was painted red an de other
blue, an dey had got mad an was fightip
ober it. I took off my coat an sailed in,
an If dose two members am still laid up in
bed it's only what dey desarve. Dat ark
may hev bin painted de reddest sort O. red
or de bluest sort o. blue, or it might not
hev bin painted at all. what's de differ
ence to us? 1t am our bizness to pay our
rent, go to church on Sunday an keep Gle
ole woman an chill en- in shoes, an de color
of Noah's ark or de color of Noah's whis-
kers ain It gwine to help us out.
ga few days ago I went ODER to call on
Brudder Waydown Bebee, who owes me
ST. an pears to hev forgotten it. found
row in progress in his back ya'd. Brud-
der Comealong Thompson had called to
borry some butter, an dey had begun to
talk bout Dan'l in de lions den. Brud-
der Bebee said dat Dan'1 was SO skeert
when he was shet up wild de lions dat his
HAIR all curled up. Brudder Thompson
commended dat Dan'l wasn't skeert tall,
but dat he jest looked de lions in de face
an smiled. Den deg called each other liars
an dodos an pitched in. I ar happy to OBJ
sarve dat also took a hand in. 1t was
a sort o. surprise party to de crowd, an
dey hain't got ober it yit What we got
to do wild Dan'l in de lions den? He may
hev bin skeert, an he may hev had a reg
lar picnic ober it, but how does dat help
us to keep de cook stove gwinef What hap
pened 1900 vars ago hain't gwine to buy
Goldfish fur tomorrer.
"Tain't VERY long ago dat Samuel Shin
an Giveadam Jones got together to see
bout church matters. Boat am Metho-
dists, but while Brudder Shin believes de
whale swallered Jonah, Brudder Jones
won't hev it dat way. Dey had no bizness
to bring up dat whale, but dey hadn't
talked ten minits when up he riz an each
man begun to blow an shake his fists. De
natural conscience was fight. l wasn't
dar to swing my right, but it is consolin
to know dat Brudder Shin had his nose
broken, an Brudder Jones lost heap O.
hair an will limp around on one leg fur
weeks to cum. What if dat whale did or
didn't swaller Jonah? How's dat gwine
to keep flour in de bar'l at home? Oar
was whale or dar wasn't. Oar was q
Jonah OF dar wasn't. Put it either way,
an is it gwine to take anythin off de price
of red flannel shirt?
"Neither Sir Isaac Walpole nor de Rev.
Penstock am yere in DER places dis eveninl
Why not? 'Kase de two Of 'em sot down
to play checkers few nights ago. an dey
hadn't bin playin above five minits when
Sir Isaac otsaryed dat he had bin readin
bout Moses in de bulrushes an didn't be-
lieve de yarn. De Rev. Penstock fired up
in moment an said it was all true an he
could lick de man who denied it. Sir
Isaac hit him on de jaw an got one back
on de left eye, an dey had reg lar scrap
pin match an war boat badly used up.
What was it to either one of 'em whether
Moses was hid away in de bulrushes or in
a holler log? Mebbe dar wasn't no Moses
tall. If dar was one or TO- Moses, it wasn't
muffin fur Walpole an Penstock to fight
ober. Dey hev got back rent to pay up an
debts to settle, an scrappin ODER Moses
won't help 'e1n. I hev said to yo' befo' an
want to say agin, dat de past am de
past. Lots of things happened 1000 Vars
ago, but de grocers don't let dat make de
price of Eaters. If dar was or dar was not
an ark de price of butter am jest de same
today. Some folks say dat de chill en- of
Egypt crossed de Red sea. Kin yo' buy
bacon any cheaper on dat account? Some
folks say dey didn't cross tall. Does yo'r
landlord raise de price of rent on yo' 'kase
he doan't believe it?
"A long time ago, befo' got sense in
my head, used to go around claimin dat
Cain was all right an dat Abel made up
faces at him an deserved what he got. Eb
cry few days run across an Abel man an
hev row, an kept it up till l had bin
licked bout ten times. Den it suddenly
occurred to me dat was backin a man
who had bin dead eber 1000 vars, an dat
1t didn't make de least difference to him
whether stood up fur him or went back
on him, an SO quit
SIN my younger days I was great
friend of Lots wife, de woman who looked
back an was turned into pillar of salt.
l oontended dat she had right to look
back to see If a dawg was chasin her, an
dat it was mean trick to turn her to salt
when she could jest as well hev bin turned
to sugar. met up wild folks who thought
different, an we argued an jawed an fit,
an one day de man who was payin me Sl2
week fur my labor knocked me down
an frowed me out. I've bin all frew it an
know what it's made of, and don't want
no mo- of it, While lean toward de Bap-
lists, hain't got muffin agin any other
sect. Religun am all right, an de Bible
am all right. But hain't gwine to argy
bout it. I'm Jest gwine right long, pay
in cash as fur ms 7 kim an shall lose no