Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-04-25

and when you take up the carpets you
long for death. You are astonsshed now
many tacks there are in world and how
weary mans back can get. You
chew dust and feel mud In your larynx.
You likewise unearth much stale tobac, o
smoke, which makes you resolve TO quit
the use OF the weed. When the pictures
are removed from the walls YOU perform
acrobatic feats. which have been hitherto
unknown. and as you ascend the ninety
innocent stcp-laddcr you prepare TO BID
farewell TO all earthly things. II Is as
tonishing, during the course OF your Ia
bors. TO note what a small value is placed
upon your own belongings If you don't
watch closely your ten-dollar pistol WI
be given away to the colored man whom
your wife has hired TO scold, and the
chances are a hundred TO one that your
bundle OF receipts Will be thrown IN the
stove. Your choicest books viii be slung
about as II they were waste paper but
the parlor lamp must be handed as If II
were a thing OF sanctity. AT the new
house (you are expected 10 be in Dotn
houses at once) you reverse al the IA
bors YOU have hitherto undergone. Here
the carpets have 10 be tackled down, ana
as the major-generai decides TO ecoho-
mize by having you do this, under heN
supervision. you toll Ike galley slave
After Won have realized that there are
fifty times as many tacks as you had
hitherto imagined, you find that the car
net wrinkles like the brow OF an ele-
phants trousers. A feminine war-whoop
announces this discovery. You ma your
self in the position OF Ulysses wife. ana
must commence your work anew. Pro-
family is inadequate for the expression
hon
pictures YOU discover that they never
swing even; that your wife has an eagle
eve for discrepancies and that she is
woman who proposes 10 have things done
right. At nightfall. with two houses on
your hands. you have nowhere to lay your
head The soap and towels are lost IN
the chaos Of personal property and you
fear to venture on the streets lest you be
arrested for vagrancy. And so the weary
hours wear on, and the Office boy holds
high carnaval at your place Of business,
while your wife does likewise at your
abode. when things finally settle down,
YOU are told that if it hadn't been for
YOU the family wouldn't have moved.
Peace and quiet being finally secured,
your wife commences her inventory OF
the neighbors.
The one great effort or my long anu
useful life has been TO preach against the
propriety Of women on bicycles and to
point out the disadvantages to which
a female figure is subjected when placed
upon a wheel. Methinks. in sooth, that
many scrawny, raw-boned. angular. and
triangular nymphs have resorted to the
bike" and that a seeker after feminine
beauty should look elsewhere for that
which he desires; but. after all, every
question has its pros as well as cons.
Possibly If bicycles were reduced in price
from 500 TO s. l would lower my colors
and withdraw the edict which now ter
roriZes my household. Meanwhile the cru
SADIE must continue, and l shall still think
that none but ugly women choose this
mode Of locomotion. There's no question
about the fact that short skirts sometimes
reveal prodigous feet-feet. eight times as
large as those we had attributed 10 their
p0ssessors, and that women with small
material for stockings had better stick TO
street-cars. SO, too, the girl who in the
privacy Of her boudoir realizes that she
is incapacitated TO catch pig in the alley,
should continue TO boof 1t, or else confess
to the public a secret that recalls the
weapon used by the aborigines. Small
girls on bicycles are graceful, and sug-
gest butterflies. but then their Wheels
come cheaper; and moreover, a youngster
is not held 10 such strict accountability
regarding her feet and her stocking
filters. A long and careful examination
conducted salrreptitiously, / confess-has
me that the lass who SHES at
a bathing suit should likewise shy at a
wheel. The fat woman. who spends three
fourths of her life avoiding the saccha-
rlne matter and other fiesh-producing diet,
may think, when she procures a bike. that
she will soon reduce her ponderosity, but
she will perspire in vain, and the sympa-
thies Of the public will be entirely with
the wheel that has 10 carry such a weight.
Moreover, an obese female. poised above
the delicate steel spokes, suggests an
hippopotamus eIitangle1 in a spider-weo.
Chubby grille, don't you let folk fool you
into getting a wheel. If you must Ere
duce." fall in love and then have a fuss
with your midget. That viii pull you
down far more than pneumatic tires and
pedals. In conclusion. let me say that I
shall entertain a motion to reconsider the
above whenever wheels are reduced, and
on that happy day / shall be seen upon
the boulevards heading the female semi
nary. who now give me no opportunity
to talk in my own home.
THE IDT II REpORTEP