The Monitor-register., 1897-02-05
A LITTLE FUN.

"Lord, open my eyes to seer'
-Christidn Advocate.
A LITTLE FUN.
II suppose there were some bright
hings said at Mrs. Lionunter's literary
Inner party last night ?"
"A few."
"Who got off the most interesting ?"
"The butler-when be remarked that
Inner was ready. .'-lHustratsd Bits
~~~
"Did you hear about the defaoement OF
5kinner's tombstone ?"
''No; what was it ?"
''Somebody added the word friends to |
his epitsph."
"What was the epitaph."
"'He did his best .'"-Detroit Neps
-.
"Does your wife ever tie string around
your finger to make you remember
"Yes, often'
slow does it work 2''
"Well, when 1 get into the city 1t
me to telegraph to her and ask
her what it was she wanted me to re-
member. ."-Answers.
**4
The Teacher Ito Girls High School
what's the past tense of
love P'
The Glass Gin chorus)-"Divorcel"-
Psek-Me- Up.
x*x
Tack is being able to tell lie without
letting the listener know you know he
knows you are not telling the truth
Life.
~*x
'If it wasn't for me my class in school
wouldn't have any standing at ALL" said
Hubert.
'Nonsensep' said his aunt. "Your
mother says you are at the foot of it."
81 am" said Hubert. How could it
stand if it didn't have foot s''-Horper's
Round Table.
IS
"Yes," said the retired army officer,
II can recall two occasions when l was
terribly frightened.
"Oh," exclaimed the romantic young
lady, ''do tell me about them. Isuppose
it happened when you were fighting the
Indians"
"No." he replied; lone time was when
was married, and the other time was
when we had our baby christened. p
Cleveland Leader.
x#x
He-'Jones is all right, I suppose, but
he and do not like each other Bit"
She-"Well, that is much to the credit
of both of you. Cincinnati Enquirer.
~.
"What did you stop that clock in your
room for, Jane?"
Because, mum, the plaguey thing has
some sort of fit every mornin', mum,
when wants to sleep. ."-Detroit Free
Press.
~.
Funeral Director (to gentleman enter.
ing the door)-'Are you one of the
mourners, sir ?''
Gentlemau-''Yes;h he owed me $500"
-Boston Transcript
%rx
Rev. DIR. Choker-sAh, what q sweet
little girl, and what pretty dress she
has. Will the little pet tell the minister
her name?"
The Little Pet-"Arfer Fwederwiok
Wobinson. ."-Rarssn Life.
-.
'You see that awfully homely widow
over there ?"
81 should say so.'
SLOW glad her husband must have
been to diep'- Chicago Record.
x#x
Billy-"How did you tiud your uncle,
Tommy ?"
Tommy-"1n apple-pie ORDER"
Billy-"How is thatP"
Tommy-"Crusty. ."-Judy.
~.
She-"1 want to see you milk the cow"
He-"But you did see me milk the COW
Just now."
She-"That was not milking the COW,
it was un.milking her."-IwinEEes
~
"How much do these scales weigh ?"
1e asked of the new clerk.
IL don't know, sir" answered the
,lerk, shut if you will wait one minute
I'll weigh them and tell you" ."-Cinein-
aGti Commercial Tribune.
Sc
Tommy Kutun-"Pspa, what is re-
oartee ?"
Mr.. Kutun-"Repartee, my boy, is
very clever answer when you say it to
my body, but very rude answer when
.ny body says it to you" Punch.
~~*
It is perfectly UNSUITABLE to fine man
for kissing woman against her will, as
here is never any need of his doing so.-
Florida Times Union.
~*~
"Often," said the Cummingsvil!e, 20
nan gets credit for having sense enough
20 say nothing, when the truth is that he
hasn't sense enough to say anything"
-Cincinnati Enquirer.
-
Mother-"You don't know how you
worry me. dear; why, my hair is turning
.ray."
Florrie-'My, how you must have
Worried grandma; her hair is all white,"
London Household Words.
~
Watts--'T see that Sam Jones said that
lell was within half a mile Of Boston,
vhile he was in that city. ] remember
lis saying the same thing of Chicago,
Vbep there"
Potts-"The statements are not con.
radictory. Perhaps he means to convey
he idea that hell is never more than half
mile from Sam Jones. ."-IHdianapolis
Eournal.