Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1897-01-25

IN the direction of the sparroyvs. Her
paddle-wheels were working smoothly
and regularly, and though they were
not large enough to give her any speed,
they steadily carried her across the
yard towards the sparrows. Van
Wagner was in ecstasies. He chal-
lenged me to point out any defect in
his flying cat, and when candidly ad-
mitted that it did seem to be a COM
plete success, he was the happiest man
in New Berlinopolisville. The cat
came through the air 50 slowly and
noiselessly that she was within two
yards of the sparrows before they saw
her. When they did catch sight of this
new and startling animal. they were
the worst frightened lot of birds that
were ever seen outside of one of those
so-called happy families, where half
are shut in a cage with cat that has
been filled up with chloral, and the pub
lie is asked to regard the exhibition as
specimen of what will be the usual
sort of thing when the millennium gets
its work fairly in. Those sparrows left
in tremendous hurry. They had
sudden business call in some distant
| part of Illinois, and l don't believe q
single one of them stopped flying until
they had put at least 80 miles between
themselves and Van Wagener's flying
cat.
"'Now, you see,' said the professor,
how completely successful my inven-
tion is. My flying cat will either catch
the sparrows and kill them, or she will
frighten them out Of the country. In
either case the great sparrow problem
| Is solved. 1t makes no difference to
me, as a patriotic American citizen.
whether all the British sparrows in the
country are killed, or whether they are
driven over into Canada. Come to
think of it, should prefer the latter
result, for the driving of monnrchical
European birds out of our beloved
country will be an object lesson in the
| enforcement of the Monroe doctrine,
which will be of immense benefit to the
nation
"The professor, being scientific
crank, was naturally political crank
also, and he was more than twNo-thrids
trine. When the professor once got
fairly started on the subject of the
Monroe doctrine he forgot everything
else, and he had clean forgotten his fly
ing cat when Mrs. Van Wagener leaned
out of a second-story window, and ad-
gised him, in case he was going 10 make
political speech, to hire hall She
was a mighty sarcastic woman, and her
contempt for her husbands political
views was even greater than her con-
tempt for his scientific achievements
She was on the point of continuing her
remarks about the professors political
Grafton, when she suddenly gave the
awfullest screech that / ever heard
from female lips, though was once IN
n room full of strong-minded women
| when a mouse ran across the floor.
Mrs. Van Wagner thought that her
last hour had come, judging from her
screams, but, as I had full view Of
what was taking place, knew it was
only the cat who had come. Having
missed the sparrows the cat turned
partly round to see what had become Of
them, and just then Mrs. Van Wage
ner, having unconsciously put her head
within the animals reach, the cat
judged that her opportunity for maxi
ing a landing had arrived, and accord
ingly she lit on the top Of Mrs. Van
Wagener's head.
Most any woman, not knowing that
Ter husband had invented flying cat,
would have supposed when some mon
ster with sharp claws, and talent for
using bad language, came flying
through the air and lit ON her head,
that nothing less than the sea serpent,
or the flying dragons mentioned in
Scripture, had attacked her. What
with the cats desire to kick herself
free from her flying apparatus, and her
anxiety to get square with the human
race, she did more with that poor wom-
nn's hair in five minutes than any other
eat could have done in a good half hour.
The professor tried to explain that it
was only the cat, and begged bis wife
not to injure the flying apparatus. II
didn't seem to occur to him that he
ought to run to his wife's assistance till
| had taken him by the shoulders and
started him upstairs. 1 don't want you
to think for a moment that he wasn't
anxious to help his wife, but he was so
IN the habit of looking at things from
a scientif point of view, that he for
got that while he was explaining things
Mrs. Van Wagener might be clawed to
such an extent that she would never be
recognized by her nearest friend. When
he had once grasped the idea that she
feeded his help he fairly flew upstairs,
and succeeded in transferring the cats
attentions 10 himself. Then l had to
come to the rescue, for the professor
not having hair enough to interest the
cat, she had devoted her efforts to
identifying his countenance, and if !
hadn't succeeded i'm pulling her off, and
tossing her out of the window, she
would have torn his eyes out, or at al
events ruined his nose. Her balloon
had burst during her interview with
Mrs. Van Wagener, and consequently
! MI / l. ]