Pleasantville weekly press. (Pleasantville, N.J.) 1890-1911, 1897-07-14
Henfarmer to Duckfarmer.
Swamp-Edge Slope,
Leedses Pint on the Great B

Swamp-Edge Slope,
Leedses Pint on the Great Bay,
July 10, 1897.
Verify, the Duckfarmer hath surpassed
himself. His eloquence hath risen to
heights sublime. His high-born soul,
dull prose disdaining, to poesy q ethereal
realms hath winged its lofty fight.
But one short week ago. the Hem
farmer was determined to live in quiet
and pursue the arts of peace within the
small domain of Swamp-Edge Farm,
but Uriah has goaded him until again
the old blood stirs within his veins.
Like the "old war-horse that snuffs the
battle from affair."" he has rushed forth
from his retirement, and seeks the smell
of carnage as the breath of life.
But 0, Duckfarmer, | would fain go
''snake-hunting" through the columns of
the PRESS, and can I, if our fight must
be kept up therein? In the holy silence
of slumbrous night, beneath the moons
pale beams, let US hie away to the
solitude of some secluded grass-field,
and rest our trusty wheels against
friendly hay-stack, while we decide this
journalistic strife, two best in three. To
you, the challenged party, belongs the
choice OF weapons, but 0, for heavens
sake, don't choose stub pens.
What will Mrs. Duckfarmer say when
she learns that those "buttermilk"
Venuses have tested the sugary qualities
of Duckfarmer Adonis-and found him to
be of the dutch scale of fineness?''
Merciful heavenl veil the scene from NOR
tai eyes.
The Duckfarmer would learn how to
grow cocktails. The secret cannot be
impaired from man to man. 1t can be
obtained only by patient research.
Uriah must delvein Nature slabyrinthine
realms; he must gain access to her mystic
laboratory; he must surprise her ''in the
act" But listen, brOther Dick, the
beautiful leghOrn, even now is moult1ng
his gorgeous coat Come to the Hem
farm, and perhaps you can find relic of
his once resplendent tail, with which to
Feather your cap" and aid you in your
quest of knowledge.
Like you my brother, 1 long for the
return of those days of prosperity from
1892 to 1873" Take from father,
mother, sister, brother, the stanch road
wheel and the flying racer, and let US
go to church in ox-carts, as of yOre.
Tear down our new-fangled two-stOry
house, three bed rooms, sitting room,
parlor, kitchen, give us in it's stead
grandfather's hut, one room and attic,
reached by ladder, no carpet on the
floor, through whose yawning cracks
the wintry wind sang it's requiem to the
dying year no screens to mitigate
the summers swarms of flies and Jersey
singing birds, which decorated the
MONDAY food, or pitilessly sucked the
life blood while they sang sweet lula
bies but one occasional pair of shoes
to shield the calloused (uot henlOused)
feet, because leather was one OF the
luxuries of the bonded plutocrat (not
popocrat). The one pound of sugar.
bought at Christmas or some other
| festive occasion, was "linked sweetness
long drawn OUT. The organ or piano,
now literally present on every street,
was but occasionally fOretOld by the
| jarring fiddle or the rasping accordion.
| O, didn't we revel in luxury then Give
us aye, give us the restoration, p D.
| @. Then, 0 Duckfarmer, you can swig
your reminiscent" cocktail, made from
pure whiskey at ten cents quart, the
only luxury of the present that could be
reached by the poor man of the past.
AS with my brother, SO with me-hope
swells again within my bosom. Fame is
purely accidental. John Howard Payne,
| to whom "Sweet Homes" delights were
but imaginary, in a fit of envy of those
more fortunate, produced those magic
strains that shall set in vibration the
sweet soul-music of generations yet un-
born. Years ago, in a small Wisconsin
town, a printing house employe, in
respondent mood was heard to say,
"Twill all be over bye and bye" These
words inspired two listening friends,
who, in few brief hours had laid the
cornerstone of enduring fame in the
words and music Of the soul-lifting song.
"Sweet Bye and Bye" Even so, why
should not fame be ready to join hands
with the Henfarmer.
Uriah, by well-directed squib, has
dislodged him from his retirement; the
printer, by changing his "vice" to
''voice" and "palls' to "falle," and
mangIing his punctuatit n and ndgrammar,
has brought him prominently before the
public gaze. The accidental has hap
pened and Beriah has hopes, He can
chew pebbles with Demosthenes, crate
to the livestock with Clay, and perhaps
can learn to fish, duck-shoet and veto
with Grover.
BERIAH HENFARMER.