Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-11-28

THROW Hert facias at Liz,' he said,
"thatll knock her clean out. Then give
her "mandamus." and II that don't fetch
her try a subpoena duces tecum." That
was enough for me-almost more than !
could carry-so / went back determined
that IL LIZ boo-fayed or escritoired me
any moro she was going to get the
worst Of t.
Loaded TO the muzzle, and with some
OF my Latin even frothing over. ! met
her. had 10 get rid OF It; II was oozing
away from me
Just then her father, Old Man Tom,
came IN and his nose was a beacon light
to warn tho young against intemperance.
IL was apple brandy time. and he carried
cubic foot OF it with him Internally.
Hello, old 'Fieri Facias," ] said, ex-
pecting 20 floor him. "Who are you call
Ing old fiery faceY' he roared, and then
he made for me. He didn't want his wife
TO know he'd been drinking.
Get away from me- l said nightly
alarmed and determined to suppress him
with the rest OF my Latin. for l knew
/ had to act quickly. "Get away before
mandamus you"
damn who?" ne yelled. There ain't
that man in Hanover that can cuss me
before my wife and daughter" and he
was at me again.
Subpoena duces tecum" I replied
solemnly, but apprehensively, for the old
man was red-hot.
This remark acted like capillary attrac-
ton in drawing the brandy throughout
his veins, and he came at me like a bull
in fly time.
deuce take 'em, did you say?' he
yelled. and then he ripped and snorted
| and cavorted around until l had to tell
him what l meant and pacify him md
| rub him down. and give him some Of my
tobacco and take n drink with him.
And Liz gurgled with glce when she
found that / had thought she was talk
ing Latin, and told me that French was
| the language OF polite society.
In my day man who bore his fathers
name was mighty proud to sign himself
junior, but all that's changed now. IL
used 10 be Augustus Smith. Jr.," but
now it's Augustus Smith. 3D." which
means, / suppose. that a heap of multi
plication has got TO be done before the son
can be made TO equal his father. Think
OF it-common, po white trash from Han
over signing themselves as second just
the same as II they were kings OF Eng
land, or royalty. And the women are
doing It, too. Only last week read about
the wonderful exploits OF Mrs c. An
thony Sturdevant, 3D." who attended two
pink teas in one afternoon.
eating into society is like learning
the printers trade. You can't jump into
her all at once-leastwise, you can't IN
less YOU carry a dsjointed portion OF the
Klondike on your person. 1t takes
compositor five years TO master his bust
ness (the fellow who sets my copy
never has learnt his). and II takes equally
long to get among those who know when
knife TO use wish their fish. It's no use
trying TO bounce right in on society, all
at one leap Society won't have IT. she
will sniff at you suspiciously, turn up
her nose, and leave you in the cloak-room
talking to the butler or eating the scraps
with the band
During your apprenticeship you must
be patient and must make yourself use
full and keep on hoping. It's well 10
stand around in case anybody faints or
wants to borrow money. but do not con-
strue these little recognitions as giving
Won the entree. They are merely the
stepping-stones which lead to the path
way of future success, and a long road
intervenes between the stepping stones
and the goal by way Of amusement
during your period Of probation, 1t is
well to cultivate a look Of superiority,
even though you really know in your
heart that the way you wear your clothes
Is the only virtue you possess. 1t isn't
necessary for you 10 add wisdom to your
social paraphernalia, for society goes in
more for appetite than knowledge.
The principle that birds Of feather
flock together" will be most useful to
you in your ambitious efforts for there
are many occasions when you can follow
in the wake OF society, even though you
can't actually rub noses with her. When
she gives her charity entertainments you
can pay your dollar and be seen with the
best So, also, you may walk on the
same streets with the swagger set, and
occasionally, II you persist In making
yourself useful, you may be seen con-
versing with them. At the football
games you can appear just as enthusiast
tic and noisy as the chappies. and on
Sunday you can readily catch the swing
ing gait that marks the chosen. But,
above all things, don't tell the world how
hard your struggle is. Keep at 1t; bear
your apprenticeship bravely, and sooner
or later you'll be one OF the exquisites.
The superciliousness necessary for your
future success can easily be acquired by
practicing on your Office boy who doubt
less deserves any meanness you may
exhibit towards him.
If at times a grim despair comes over
you, and you feel that never never will
you be one OF the anOinted, remember
that there are hundreds in the same boat
with you. The name Of the applicants Is
legion. and patience is one Of their
GROWING virtues. Society is unlike the
workingman; she's got to be kept down,
or the market will be flooded and spurious
articles will be put on the carpet.
When gradually you find yourself slip
ming in, don't Cackle with JOY, but De
calm and apparently Indifferent. TAKE II
as your due and don't forget the super
ciliousness you have acquired. Remember
there are others trying to squeeze in, ana
they must be kept out. They are not OF
the same mould as you. and would posi-
bIy want to wash in the fnger-bowls
when these outsiders try to honeyfuggle
YOU. saw them right on, unless you can
utilize them to great extent Ihey eA-
meet TO be sawed on, and are eager 10
make themselves useful. Use the 'marpIe
heart for all it is worth on your pristine
friends, and keep your father In the bach-
ground until he is underground. Iheh
there will be time enough 10 tax ABOUT
his blue blood and he won't be in
nosition TO rcfute anything good you may
cav about him. Remember, through All
vour struggles, that you will one day as
s,,rne the duties Of a criterion, ana De
looked ND to and sought after and writ
fen about in the newspapers, and that
whatever your success, you Will be more
or less harmless to the community at
large But don't jump at society; coax
her: rub her the right way, and when
she purrs. tighten your grip, and never
rolax II. THE IDLE REPORTER.