The times., 1897-05-16
WIT AND HUM0R OF THE DAY
A Collection Of Stories Purely
American.
FANCIFUL NOTIONS OF NJ. QUAD
Mr.. and Mrs. Bowser and Their
Most Recent Trouble-John Cham
beriin's Poker Game-He Knew
the Family-The Story of Brook
lyn Merchant.

whats ali this truck you had sent up
here this afternoon" asked Mrs. Bowser,
as her better half came home To dinner
the other evening.
He replied that he would explain matters
after lie had satisfied his appetite; and
when they arose from the table he removed
his coat, hared his right arm and said:
Mrs Bowser, feel this arm. VIII you?''
Have you got rheumatism she asked
as she ran her hand over it.
You have heard OF withercd liinLs,
haven't you? Wen, my arms and legs
are going to wither and become OF ne earthly
use To me unless something is done right
away I've suspected it for some time, but
was not suie until had talk with u doc
tor today
Are you going to take a course OF treat
ment?'' she asked
That's II exactly, and / hope to check
the whitening business in the bud. Yes, l
am going right at 1t this evening. Think
what would happen, Mrs. Bowser, if my
legs refused TO hold me up; if my arms lost
their strengths SO could no longer feed my
SELF
where's your medicine?"
81 shall take no medicine. What want
In this case is exercise-plenty OF exercise.
j am going te put up performing bar in
the garret and do some performing &C
cording TO the doctors orders"
''Oh, that's it | thought il about time
for you TO get another foolish notion into
your head. If you need exercise, why don
you do some walking-get half cord OF
WOO and buck saw-buy a spade andSurn
up some earth in the back yard? If some
man would come along and tell you your
toes Were falling off you'd believe him +"
Mrs. BowSer, what do you know of
anatomy
And what do yon?'' she retorted.
Enough to believe doctor when he says
my arms are gradually shrinking away
until they will soon be pipe stems, and all
for the want OF exercise He has told me
what to do. and I'm going to tit IL you
want to shiivel and shrink 60 ahead, but
/ don't propose to die that way. shall
put up my performing bar and perform" ="
Shemade nofurther protest, knowing that
words would he useless, and Mr.. Bowser
carried the bundle of stuff TO the garret
and began work. In the course of half an
hour ne hal his bar up, and having removed
all unnecessary clothing, was ready TO be
gin. Mrs Bowser came up just then and
inquired what he was going 10 do. He
leaped up. caught the bar with both hands,
swung back and forth. and replied:
you see the object, Mrs. Bowser- The
first idea is to strengthen the muscles of
the arms and that is done by sustaining the
weight of the body. i find that can sus-
tain myself, but week later ! might not
have been able to. You have heard of
Sampsol, of course. He began on a perform
Ing bar like this
YOU'D get more exercise by carrying
the ashes out Of the cellar she said, as
she turned away.
That's you, of course" he exclaimed, as
he dropped from the bar. Its enough
that want to do anything that you should
oppose it. If you'd wake Up some morning
and find me withered up like an old bean
pod you'd rejoice in your heart. You won't
have that satisfaction, however ] al
ready feel better than l have in three
months
I'll get the camphor and other things
reaiy,'' she called from the stairs.
He waited until she had disappeared
and then resumed bis swinging. There
wasn't much fun in this. as it made his arms
ache, and he presently decided that his
legs ought to have a show. He had seen a
leg thrown over bar in gymnasium and
he set out to DO it. He got the swing all
right and he lifted his leg just at the right
instant, but just as he thought he had made
q success of it something fell on the floor
with jar that shook the house 1t was Mr..
IIa had q nf
For a long minute he lay there looking up
at the ceiling and trying to make out W hat
had happened Then, as things began to
clear up. Mrs Bowser appeared and asked:
Are you trying TO break your back To
keep your arms from whitening? / thought
the whole house was coming down.
Woman gasped Mr.. Bowser as he
slowly sat up, ''you hoped 1 had killed
myself, but | only lay down 10 rest. You
can trot right downstairs again and attend
to your household duties"
She disappeared and he took three or four
minutes to study it out. He hadn't swung
his body hard enough, and he tried to throw
his right leg over instead OF his left. His
back and shoulders ached, but he rose up
with a grim determination TO succeed or die.
He was in no hurry, however. He went at
Il cautiously, and after three or four efforts
he suddealy lifted himself and his leg went
over the bar. For tea seconds he wastickled
half to death as he hung there. Then it oc-
curre1 to him that he had got to get his
leg down again or remain on the perch all
night He tried again and again, but he
Couldn't do it. and losing his nerve he called
for Mrs. Bowser.
What are yoa trying to co?'' she asked
as she came running upstairs
ITO get that leg off the bar he shouted.
"But don't you see that you can't do it
unless you raise your whole holy. You are
sagging down like bag OF sand. What did
you want 10 get your leg over for?''
Il don't know, but something viii have
Go be done''
Better leave IL there all night There
are signs that your spinal column is wither-
Ing away and the position may do it good y
Cant You help lift me up?" he pleaded.
az don't believe / can hold on here an
other minute
.tYouu have to. III get the cook and
maybe both of US can boost you up Didn't
j tell you just now how 1t would come out?
If somebody should tell you to hang your
self up by the hair of the head to turn your
toes out you'd do it,
She went downs; airs and left hin, hanging
or like grim death, his face as red as a beet
and the perspiration trickling down his
neck. She didn't cell the cook. She simply
sat down 10 wait for results In about
three minutes they came. Mr.. Bowser
maintained his grip until his fingers were
numb. and all of sudden he uttered yell
md let go. His leg hold sustained him for
few seconds and then there was another
veil and a crash. He had only three feet To