davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
MARK TWAlN'S JOB.
How It Was Saved For Kim In Denver
Newspaper Office.

HOW lie was saved For Elm In d Denver
Newspaper Office.
1t is a Denver newspaper tradition that
the funniest bit of journalistic work ever
done by Mark Twain was stranglsd BY a
too friendly proofreader. Mark was given
an assignment to write up the opening of
saloon-quite noteworthy event in
those days In the Colorado town. He
thought it would be funny to make his ac-
count of the festivities bear silent witness
to the potency of the free refreshments dis
pensed. The article began soberly enough,
but soon the diction became misty, then
the spelling grew confused, and finally the
whole thing degenerated into maudlin,
incoherent eulogy of the saloon keeper.
1t was funny. Mark read it over and
laughed until he cried. But the next morn
ing when he eagerly scanned the paper he
could not find his work. In an obscure
corner he saw two line item stating that
1.-THE Alcazar saloon was opened with ap-
propriate festivities last night" That was
ALL
He rushed down to the Office and in
CURED about his article. The managing
editor knew nothing about it. The city ed
itor couldn't tell what had become of it.
The foreman said he hadn't seen it.
AS Mark was snorting about the tout
rage and was running about the office
trying to get track of his missing "copy,"
proofreader slyly nudged him and said
confldentially, "You owe me cigar
Glow is that?'' inquired the humorist.
"I've earned it," was the reply. III
saved your job for you last night. Maybe
you don't know how the old man here
feels about such things, but be won't have
it if he finds 1t out. He's fired three men
since I've been here-just that way"
'Just what way?"
"Why, just as you were last night, you
know. Your stuff wouldn't do at all. 1t
was simply awful. knew If the old man
saw it you vera gone, SO fixed it up my
self. "-Cbicago Times Herald.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
THE SPEED OF A TRAIN.


An Old Conductors Method of Accurately
Measuring 1t.
The train was booming along In great
fashion. There had been quito long de-
Law the other side of Rochester, and 1T was
evident that the engineer of the iron horse
In front was determined to make up some
of the lost time at least. The smoker was
perfuined with the oder of good fellowship
and tobacco smoke, as the smoker Of q
New York Central train Invariably is
There were two or three drummers who
wore beamy smiles. Near them sat an old
face on the road, g conductor who was
coming to this city TO attend the marriage
of his daughter The conversation shifted
frequently, as it usually does In such
company, until finally one of the drum
rraers said to his nearest companion:
"My, but she is piling alongr"
"Yep," said his companion.
chow fast do you suppose we are going?'
"Oh, give it up. She can't go too fast
to suit me"
Leaning over the back of the scat the
veteran conductor said to the first speaker:
"Do you want to know what We are
making2"
"You have my hand to dot"
"Well, I'll tell you directly"
Everybody within earshot crowded
around as he said this, and as he said 1t
he pulled one Of those old reliable railroad
clocks from his pocket, held 1t In his hand
and gazed intently out of the window. 1t
seemed an rye until he spoke, the silence
was SO profound, but when he finally
spoke it was to say:
"This train is travelling at the rate OF
So miles an hour or thereabout. -
The old conductor said this In way to
impress all hands with the accuracy OF hia
statement, and there was chorus Of "How
did you guess thatf"
Didn't guess it at ALL" said the vet,
with an injured air. III know what am
talking about. Now, here's how do 1t:
Notice the inside Of the outer rail on the
opposite track. Your eyes are not trained
as well as mine in that line, but just keep
looking at that rail until you are satisfied
that you can distinguish where one rail
Joins the OTHER. Now count the joints, and
as many rails as you pass in 81 seconds
you will find to be equal to the number Of
miles that this train is travelling per hour.
never saw the thing fail, and I have
tried it hundreds Of times. OF course ii is
necessary to have double tracked road
to tell how fast we are moving, but with
an opposite track, a good eye and tenn
perance watch it is the easiest thing in
the world. New York Mail and Express
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
The Old Cider RarreL

How clear to my Visions an old cider barrel
As fond recollection presents it to view.
The place where it rested down in the dark
cellar,
Is as fresh in my mind as it ever was tao.
The old whitewashed wall and the bins that
stood by it,
The apples, potatoes and things that were
penned
Up there in the cool and the damp bottomed
cellar,
Where the old cider barrel stood up on one
end
The old cider barrel, the hard cider barrel,
The iron hoped barrel that stood up on end
Once armed with a gimlet, went to the bar.
rel
Dear father and mother had gone for the
day;
I bored small hole, and I put straw
through it +.
And for half Of an hour kept sucking away.
found it the source of an exquisite pleasure
Till things in n1J vision seemed softly to
blend,
And couldn't have told whether or the
barrel
Was lying or still standing up on one end
The old cider berrel, the hard cider barrel,
The iron hoped barrel that stood up on end.
Somehow got out Of the old whitewashed
cellar
And whooped and hurrahed and made merry
awhile;
They say that my shouting aroused all the
neighbors
Who lived in a circle of less than a mile.
At last my fond parents came homo from
their visit,
And then to my case did dear father attend!
Oh, gollyl 1 feel that old strap at this minutel
And swore off on barrels that stood up on
end
The old cider barrel, the hard cider barrel
I've sworn off on barrels that stand up on
end.
Cleveland Leader.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
ARITHMETIC OF ANIMALS.
How a Parrot and Dog Proved That
They Could Count.

How a Parrot and a Dog Proved That
They Could Count.
One day the celebrated ornithologist
Audubon came out of his cottage with
four of his friends to go for walk. The
next instant they saw parrot fly in at
window Audubon and one of his friends
returned indoors, and Immediately the
bird flew out in a fright and went circling
about overhead. Audubon came out
again. but the bird refused to re-enter I'M
til the other gentleman had also left the
house. 1t seemed to remember that two
persons had gone in and only one had
come out. Curious to discover how far
the parrot could count, he returned in
doors with his four friends and made them
go out one at. time, while he himself re-
manned inside. In few minutes the bird
flew in again. 1t was evident that It's
powers of arithmetic ended at the number
four. re
A Russian doctor named Timofeff tried
the same sort of experiment. few years
ago with Birds cats, dogs and horses. He
declared that the crow is capable Of count
ing as far as ten, and is in that respect
superior to many tribes of men in Poly
nesia, who comprehend hardly anything Of
mathematics.
Dr. Timofieff's account of the behavior
of his own dog is amusing. Tho dog never
buried several bones in one spot, but al
ways hid each one away separately. One
day his master presented him with 90
large bones, which he Immediately pro-
ceeded to bury in 26 different places.
On the next day DR.. Timo1eff did not
feed the animal at all, but in the after
noon he let him out into the garden, and
from window watched him attentiyely
The dog set to work at once and dug up
ten Of the bones Then he stopped, seemed
to reflect for minute, and began digging
again until he had found nine others.
Here he stopped to consider as before, and
then returned to work, scratching perse-
veringly until he had unearthed six more
bones. This seemed to satisfy him. He
sat down and began his dinner. Suddenly
he raised his head, stopped eating and
looked around with a thoughtful air
Then, as If quite sure that he had forgotten
something, he started up, trotted round
the garden, found the twenty sixth bone
and returned, with look Of satisfaction
to his meal.
The doctor believed that the number 26
was too much for the canine mind to
grasp, and that the dog had therefore d.
yided the provender into three groups,
counting the bones in each lot separately.
but that the mental process was SO COM
plicated that he had made miscaloula-
ton and rectified 1t only after prolonged
reflection. Our Animal Friends.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
THE WRONG MAN.
The vagrant Was Frank, but He Made a
Poor Selection.

The vagrant Was Frank, but He Made a
Poor Selection.
A dilapidated pattern Of man stepped
up to citizen who was walking brisk1y
along the street the other evening and ac-
costed him.
"Cap'n,'' he said, "I hain't got no hard
luck story. Pm about as lazy and oinery
rs they make 'em, and won't work as
long as can pick up Twin without it,
But I'm thirsty, and that's the truth.
hain't had anything to drink for two
hours, and if you'll give me dime I'll go
and spend it for whisky. That's dead hon
est. I'm spoilin for drink o. Liquor"
His voice had none of the whine of the
professional vagrant, but his sincerity
made no impression ON his listener.
"My friend,' said the citizen slowly
and solemnly, IT did not imagine such de-
pravity existed If you had asked me for
something with which to buy food or nee
essary clothing I should have taken pleas
ure in acceding to your request. If you
had asked for money enough to pay for a
bath, of which"-here he looked at him
from head to foot--tyou appear to be in
some need, it would have afforded me sin
cere satisfaction to extend a helping hand
4 total stranger for means wherewith to
minister TO the qualification of most ig-
noble appetite. Do you know that the
curse of strong drink annually carries into
the grave 100000 human beings in this
country Do you know that the yearly
expenditure for alcoholic beverages
amounts to sum equal to the national
debt? Have you any idea of the effect of
spirituous beverages on the delicate, sensi-
tive inner coating Of the stomach If you
have not, ny FREUD, let me warn you by
all you hold, sacred to give up your indul-
gence In tkis fearful, terrible habit Oh,
fellow mortal, think of the
But The greasy vagrant waited to hear
no more. He buried around the corner,
sat down Cd The curbstone, took off his
hat and famed himself.
"And took Him fer sportin gentP'
he CALCULATED In q tone of deep disgust
Chicago Tribune.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
ABE BLlNkER'S TALK.
II Was q Long Distance Affair, and 1t Sur
prised Him.

II Was q Long Distance Affair, and 1t Sur
prised Him.
Old Abe Blinker had just run down
from Scrabbleton to do little trading
Half doubling and half believing, he edged
his way into long distance telephone
office and asked if it was fact that he
could talk with his brother, Chicago
merchant. After a very brief converse
ton the connection was made and ABB
was yelling as though calling cattle half a
mile away
"Just hoist the window said wait.
ing customer. He can talk to Chicago
without the aid of wire. I'm in a hurry
"Use the same tone as though your
brother were sitting right here besids
you,' whispered the manager
"Say, Hi,'' shouted Abe, Jars you to
hum? In tn store, hey? Don't it beat
cat fghtin? Knowed yer voice soon's
heerd it. How's tn folks2 They hain't
nuthin better'n blackberry brandy fur
that. Say, HI, member that boss you
rode las summer? Yes, TIL big rangey bay
with crooked tail. Dead an buried in a
cyclone. Course. Allus did hev bard luck.
later bugs, army worms, foot rot, rain,
frost, wind an cheap prices. Durn near
cleaned out Got ter hev a change, HI.
Say, Hi, Susie an Josh Is goin ter be mar
ried Thanksgivin. You bet. He's got
two forties all clear, good buildin's an
plenty o. stock. Say, Hi, tell Ruth moth
er is a-waitin fur that prescription o. hern
ter make catchup-- Got tes go, hey?
could talk fur a hour yit. Don't furgit
bout tn catchup, Hi.
p" 'Nough ter skeer person." declared
Abe as he dropped the receiver. "Feel's
Enough I'd been 'sociatin with ghosts. But
I'm much obleeged jist tn same"
"But you owe us S., SIR"
"Bunkoed. b'goshr' shrieked Abe
"That Teller what steered me in here didn't
say nuthin bout pay. How in thunder
kin I settle when I've only got half a dol.
iar?"
you'll have to remain here till it's
fixed" announced the manager as he
hastily rang up Chicago and asked for Mr..
Blinker. After explaining matters to that
gentleman the official turned with a laugh
to Abe and told him that everything was
satisfactory.
'I knowed you couldn't come none O.
yer funny bus ness with Hi. Durn curi'us
ole Teller like med step inter this kinder
q trap. Hadn't been fur Hi I'd had tn
whole doggons p'lice force down here, an
I'd been better'n a raw han myself helpin
ter clean out tn place. New York Sun
dav World
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
Proof

First Ruffian-Who is tho prisoner?
Second Ruffian-He says he has title,
captain.
First Ruffian- Did you search him?
Second Rutffan-Yep, an couldn't find
O cent.
First Rutflan. Then he probably has,
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
Big Sleeves, Goodby.

The bishop sleeve is going out.
No more will Molly thieve
Ny cycle pump, with girlish shout.
To go pump up her sleeve
No moro will Molly, roguish miss,
With djmple in her chin,
Let Cousin Charley steal kiss
To have her sleeve tucked in.
Tho bishop sleeve is going out,
The leg of mutton, too,
And both are doomed, beyond doubt,
To join the pointed shoe.
And men who now berate their stars.
Half hid from mortal ken,
Will know in 'sL' and trolley cars.
Where they are at again.
New York Sunday Journal.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
Copjugation.

"You see, he was young man with a
future"-
eyes"
"And he met the woman with past''--
"Ahr
"And now she has the handsomest pres
entp'--Cincinnati Enquirer.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

In these days of disappointment it is
qualification TO know that one can buy u
bottle Of Salvation Oil for % cents.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
Illegal.

The Court-What is your age, madam?
The Plaintiff-Must answer?
The Court-You must.
The Piaintiff-Why, judge, thought
people didn't have to testify against them
selves. Green Bag. }.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

mo LET-Sunny front room on Pine St. heat
i ed. and lighted by gas; bath room adjoln
ing with hot and cold water. References requir
ed. Address Box 1887 ISL
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

TITO LET--At 1o6 Green street an upper and
4 lower tenement, there are seven rooms to
wood sheds. These are very desirable rents
for the money. $15 and SIG, and anyone that
wants a snug cosy rent will do we'll to look at
them. Apply to A. Il. FREEMAN, 16 Ex-
change street. dec29tf
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

eNewY ork Semi has
hon 2aye
Hight printed in type
mtof Repuban blu
York Sun
mectoa and "ocupis oddon 10 cd n
nominations n he bun epyed %
pd
ahahueso Dali rbune Itha trert
information farmers deptnen 0
ofw
nnu witte site and yes
Mems nd wmne bus live have eoppot
andt
entitled "Twinkies"
rremtth nsumr
yarT
o
hsahu drawings
cntnts of
70 readt
Sample op
ored
THE TRIBUNE, New York.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
MISCELLANEOUS.

Forty we rds or less inserted undor this
Head for nne week for RS cts. in advance.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

NOfLET-A convenient rent. centrally lo<
J. Gated of seven rooms and bath for twenty
dollars. Also very neat, warm rent OF 4
rooms suitable for a family of three lersons
for ten dollars. Apply at 100 Middle ST., or
90 North ST., H. II. SHAW. 30-1
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

rElO LET-A detached house in new brick
i block corner of Spring and Park streets;
entrance No. 1872 Park street; this rent is first
room. laundry with set tubs and dry closets;
plumbing throughout; steam plant
that will heat house in zero weather.; decora-
tions up to-date; will lease to a small family.
Apply TO M. Fl. FOSTER, Gu the premises
Bill
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
dec25d7t
TOILET.
Forty words inserted under this head
enc week for 25/eents cash in advance.

NOR RENT-Store and basement. No. 208
IL Middle St., containing floor space of about
in good condition. BENJAMIN SHAW, 5l1s
Exchange st IL
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

TWO LET-A convenient lower rent OF five
1 TO oms situated at 100 York street; Gem.
ented cellar and separate water closets and
coal pens. Price S12 per month. Inquire OF
A. G. LIBBY & CO., AZ IL Exchange street.
Il
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

EOR RENT In the western part of the city,
near the line of eectrics, house OF
rooms and bath. Aouse well arranged sunny
and pleasant. BENJAMIN SHAW, 81 10 Ex-
change St. IL
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
MISCELLANEOUS.
MISCELLANEOUS.
MISCELLANEOUS.
HI SEMI-WEEKLy 7 RIBuNE.

FORCE IN AFFAIRS AND POTENT FOR ENTERTAIN
MENT AND INSTRUCTION OF EVERY MEMBER FTHE FAMILY
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
THE TRIBUNE, New York.
FOR SALE.
Forty words inserted under this head
one week for 25 cents. cash in advance.

business FOR SALE-Geods ready seller;
I'D profit been 100 to ESQ per cent; splendid
chance to make money rapidly: small invest
ment only required; perfectly safe; an oppor-
tnnity given for thorough investigation. d. M
HAWKES.. 421-2 Exchange St.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
LOST AND FOUND.

Forty words inserted under this heal
one week for rs cents cash in advance.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
STORES TO RENT.

Stores Nos. / to Central wharf re-
Gently occupied by Q. A., Weston 81
Co, suitable for grocery or other business,
in fine order and have an electric elevator
and heated with hot water; have good rail-
road track and dock facilities. Enquire at
No. 10 Central Wharf. VIM. r. WOOD.
novo0dtf
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

NOR SALE A second hand furnace in good
condition, suitable for heating one flat or
small house. Apply "a HIGH ST.
17tf
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

EOR SALE-A valuable wood working
plant and good business, with OF with
out stocR) consisting of saw, planning and
Single mills and general wood working
together with well equipped box shop. Ali
Location unsurpassed. Valid reasons for
selling. Terms easy. Apply to d. T., this
office BIO
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

FOR SALE-Building lot for sale in western
l. part OF city, within two blocks of Prone
made, size 5OxlOo feet. For particulars apply
to Real Estate Office. First National Bank
Building. FRED'K S. VAIL. 29-1
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

ITO LET-Very comfortable winter rooms
4 with hoard at IA Spring st. 25-4
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

r OST-Dec. Sd. near Clnrk's Pond or in city
~ between Park and Oxford streets, by way
of Congress and Myrtle. ladies' silver hunting
case watch. Finder please return to 155 Ok
ford street and receive reward. Bill
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

MORTGAGEE'S Sale of Household Furniture
MI and effects. consisting of black walnut
oak and;panted chamber sets, parlor furniture,
carpets. extension tables and chairs, stoves,
range. at rooms of F. o. BAILEY & CO., 46
Exchange streets, at 10 a. m. 3O-1
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

EOR SALE-Air-tght weather strips for
Il doors and windows. Now is your time
to order them. 1t keeps out the cold in the
tongue and groove, no rubber to pull off All
orders left 81 Cross street will be attended. to.
l.. G. BLAISDELL. 29-4
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

WANTED-Iive agents in Portland and all
w the cities in Maine. Call on or address
G. E. BROWN, 2S5 LIZ Middle ST., Portland
Me. IL
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

REN1A pleasant ,as rent Of
fltAr. in detached house. with good sized
yard, in central part of city. Apply to Real
Estate Office. First Natianal Bank Building.
FRED'K S. VAIL. 3O-l
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

DOR SALE OR TO LET-In the central part
Il of the city south of Congress street and
west of High ST.. brick residence with all
the m odern appointments. Well suited for a
Chambers, corner Exchange and Middle SITS.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
WANTED.
Forty words inserted under this head
ono week for IS cents. cash in advance.

WANTED-Ladies to call and see our 81 90
w Boot in Button and Lace. Men to call
and see our s1.25 Lace Boot. Best in the city.
100 MIDDLE ST. 3O-1*
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02
A BLOW FOR BOWsER.
Like the Proverbial Worm, HisPatient
Wife Turns.

She Lays Down the Law In Sucn a Sur
prising way and Holds Such a Good
Hand In the Game That He Finds Him.
self SPECIFICS.
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

ENANTFD-A good cook and laundresS.
w Apply to MISS DEERING. Deering St.
Deerng. 3l-1
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

WANTED-Agents for our new Ink Eraser.
w Sells easily at large profit Energetic
agents can Make So per day and upwards
Sample and terms mailed OH receipt OF 25 cents.
ACME ERASES CO., Box $3.50, Columbus, o.
IL
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

UJANTED-To buy second carriage and
w fixtures for saw mill. Address, giving
particulars. E. K, Press Office. 3-tf
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

SITUATION to learn the Undertaking
y Business, will purchase interest and act
as partner If desired.
Address, A. P. b, 1923 Middle ST. Bath, Me-
deC28d2W
The Portland daily press., 1897-01-02

NOR SALE-Musicai instruments. Dull
Il times, but Halves has such bargains in
elegant musical instruments that customers
will patronize him tor pianos, music boxes.
violins, banjos guitars, mandolins, har-
monicas, comets, claronets, superior violin
books, music rolls and everything in the
music line. Please call. HAYES, No. 4I4
Congress street. 31-4mos
The Saint Paul globe., 1897-11-06
ADVANCEMENT.

SCHOOL, CHILDREN'S BUS EXCURSIONS
Fare, 10 cents each. Furniture moving
load! work guaranteed. At Kents Express
and Storage Company. 211 West Seventh
The Saint Paul globe., 1897-11-06
G. N. INSTRUCTION CAR.
School on Wheels Which Teaches
Air Brake Methods

The Great Northern air brake instruction
car which was built in June, 1895, is now
making its third annual trip over the big
system, and is expected 10 arrive at this end
of the line by the 1st of December. Five
months is required to cover the road, the
shops at this end. The car is at present at
Seattle, and will make stops at the division
terminal.
Glasses are held in the car for the pur-
pose of giving employees practical instruc-
tion, the work being incharge of n. E. Nc
Kee, superintendent of air brake equipment,
who is assisted by A. n. Baldwin. The OBJ
ject of the car ard its annual run over the
system is to instruct and examine men in
all departments who are in any way con-
nected with the operation and maintenance
of air brake equipment. These men are re-
quired by the rules of the company to pass
an examination in the use of air brakes after
which they are furnished with an air brake
certificate Life and property are to such
an extent dependent upon the efficiency of
the braking of trains, especially on mountain
divisions. that the company has found it eX-
pedient to have the men thoroughly instruct
ed in the use Of air brakes so that they
may be ready for all emergencies.
The equipment consists of sectional models
use On the road. 1t also has a full equip
ment representing a train, consisting of an
engine, tender and freight cars fully pro-
vded with air brakes and in working order.
The car also contains a steam boiler and an
air pump for compressing the air used in op
Grating the brakes.
MIR. Mckee numbers among his pupils en-
gineers, firemen, brakemen, conductors and
reports that the men are anxious to become
as well posted as possible, and are so much
the better for the very excellent plan of fur
nishing practical instruction.