Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1897-07-22
HUMOR OF THE DAY.


Life
Weather -beaten-The Signal Service
| forecasts.
"This is surely cribbed joke. +"
eyes; but it must be in its second
childhood Yale Record.
Mack What is your idea of a per-
feet woman?" Wyld-"One who
acknowledges her faults. Puck.
"I hear young Nollekins has gone
into the sculpterin' business. Eyes;
but he don't cut much of figger.'
Mack--"Why are the Bijou Flats in
such demand?" Wyld-"There isn't
room large enough to get piano in"
Puck
Teacher-"Plato, what is a farm?"
Plato-"A farm, sir, is body of land
entirely surrounded by fence."-
Judge.
Barber-"What will you have on
your face, sir?" sCustomer (faintly)-.
"Erysipelas. think; it feels that
way. Judge.
''What towards these men are!
Here l am forty years old, and no one
has had the courage opropose to mel"
-FEegende Blaetter
The Cannibal are sweet
enough to eat" His Wife-"But the
doctor said you must not eat sweet
things. "-Texas Siftings
Don't you think your son little
fast, Mrs. Sweetly?" Far from it.
Heis 50 slow that we can never get him
to breakfast before noon. Detroit
Free Press.
City Nephew-"T've got couple
tickets for tomorrow night; but all the
orchestra seats had been sold" Uncle
Josh-"Do tell Will the orchestra
have to stand up?"-Puck.
Cripple--"E Excuse me, sir, but I
have lost both my legs" Passer-by
passing by)--"So sorry. Haven't
seen anything of them. Try at police
headquarters. standard.
Mother mel The baby has
swallowed that piece of worsted. ;"
Father--"That's nothing to the yarns
grow up. London Tit-Bits.
Maria" said John, "you must be
going to have fearfully big bird on
your bonnet" "Why?" asked Maria.
81 judged from the size of the bill, >"
said John, quietly. --Harper's Bazaar.
cold Gotrox said he got rich by
saving what other people threw away )"
"Oh, yes. Did he also state that any
thing not nailed down he considered
as thrown away?"-1ndianapolis Jour.
nal
Lightlove--"Atl last, dear Sophia, we
are alone and / can tell you that
10" Sophia--"Oh, please, no--Mr.
Lightlove, don't tell me here" " Light
love--"Why not? There are no wit
nesses." Sophia -"That's just it,"
Chips.
Wife (hysterically)--"T am sure
cannot be mistaken. Four times in
his sleep he has cried out that he put
it i'll the corner pocket. Can it be that
he lost it afterward, or is he intention.
ally deceiving me in his sleep?"-
Judge.
''There are men," said the cactus
philosopher, $50 enterprising that they
do business in dead calm. Now |
know man who advertised for intend
ing suicides, so that he could get
them to buy pistols from his hardware
store. Washington Times.
Mrs. Seldom Singell-"T Thanks,
Jack; but it wouldn't look well for me
to dance. 1 lost my husband to-day. !"
Jack-''Divorce?" Mrs. Seldom Sing
ell-"No;a a real, genuine death. That's
honest. L have the undertaker's GER
tificate in my pocket. Judge.
One day malicious person said to
Alexander Dumas fills: "You father was
a mulatto, was he not?" Dumas re.
piled: Eyes, s:r, my father was mu.
latto, my grandfather an African and
my great-grandfather n monkey. NV
genealogy begins where yours ends. )"
STANDARD.
so you say" began the moderately
new boarder, that he speculated on a
large scale exclusively. May 1 inquire
what was the use of the large scale?"
'Glad to answer you," replied the
Cheerful Idiot. He had to have it
for weighing the consequences. In
dianapolis Journal.
"Helpl help" cried the drowning
man. II am drowning" "Joyel
What an opportunity" cried the re-
porter. "Quick tell me your sensa-
tons, and I'll give you sendofl in
next Sundays paper" But it was too
late; the man had gone down for the
third time. --Harper's Bazar.