davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

" want you to state to the court
exactly what your occupation has
been during the past five years."
said a lawyer to a buXom-lookipg
lady Of about, ,thirty-five years, who
WAS on the witness stand.
We'll, let me see," said the wit
ness, refectively, with half closed
eyes. "I've hustled, can tell you
that to begin with. Five years ago
| was running a railroad restaurant
in Wyoming, but gave it up 'cause
the trains stopped stopping there for
meals. Then l opened up news
stand and cigar store out in Shooting
Iron, Dakota, but it didn't pay very
well, so | sold out and took I'D a
quarter section of land and thought
I'd go into the sheep biZness, but
that sort o. thing was too lonesome
for one of my disposition, so / give
it up and opened boarding house
in mining town, and that was
lively enough, until the bottom
dropped out Of the camp because of
the mines petering out. The pub
lished and edited newspaper for
six months, and spent the next six
months as my own lawyer fighting
the libel suits l had on hand. Then
] opened up dressmakin' establish
ment, but that was too confinin', so
! give it up and started out in the
Christian science business and done
well at it for while, but l found
that | could do better teachin' dane
ing, 50 ! went into that for the win
ter, and the next sping l opened up
an employment Office, but it didn't
pay very we'll, so along In the fall
started out as a singin' evangelist,
and durin' the winter ] married a
revival preacher, but left him when
! found he had another wife, and I
opened up bakeshop in a new town
in Arizona, but the town didn't
grow as l thought 1t would, so sold
out and opened up real estate Office
in Colorado, but hard times struck
the State, so l went to New York to
sell stock for coal mining company,
but found | could do better lobby
ing in Washington, and went there,
but the climate did not agree with
me, so 1 went to Minneapolis as a
book agent, and Oh the way there l
married man in Chicago, who said
that he was rich publisher, but he
lied, and | left him after three
months and went down to New
Mexico to open sanitarium for
consumptives, Then 1 started out
and went through nine States as q
magnetic healer and trance medium
and made big money at it until got
converted at Moody meeting and
joined the Salvation army, but IL
81 guess that will do, )" interrupted
the lawyer.
"All right" responded the wit.
ness, "but amt half through yet
tell you, but I've hustled"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23
Made Learned by Law.

In the territorial days, before Iowa
had attained the dignity and pres
tlge OF statehood, when the popula-
tion consisted almost entirely of pio-
neerS and Indians and the territory
was veritable terra incOfinita to tho
far east, there was heard i'm the
United States district court note
worthy bit Of gentlcmanly sarcasm
we'll worthy Of repetition.
Gilman Folsom Of the Iowa City
bar, wit, scholar and veritable old
school gentleman, had occasion to
try case in that court before Judge
confesSrdly young i'm years and pro-
fessional experience, who had Sc.
cured the place because of political
influence rather than on account of
his eminent fitness for the judicial
ermine. Opposed to Folsom in the
case was the United States district
attorney, who, like the Judge, had
been appointed for political reasons
instead of his ability.
During the trial of the case, Fol
som, with true professional courtesy
ahd politeness, continually referred
to and addressed the district attor-
ney as "my learned opponent."-
The Judge was also characterized as
the "learned court" The district
attorney, fully conscious of his own
shortcomings, and realizing the lit.
tie claim he had to the adjective,
felt instinctively that he was being
made subject of ridicule. He fidg-
eted around until it seemed to him
that EnI 4.
tue, and then appealed to the court,
asking that Mr.. Folsom be required
to desist in his persistent sarcastic
references to him as "my learned
opponent"
When informed by the court that
his sarcasm was unnecessary and un-
called for, Folsom looked up with a
well affected air of surprise and said
with the inimitable accent and grace
of the old school gentleman:
81 sahcastic? Your honor, did
not realize that l was sahcastic.
said he was leahned, and he GER
tainly is.
He then proceeded with his argu-
ment as though nothing had hap.
pened, continually referring to the
hiStIlCt dlthThey anu the JuuS0 as
learned. The judge soon interrupted
him and administered a stern rebuke
for his persistent sarcasm, telling
him it must cease.
Folsom protested, saying;
But, your honor, 1 simply said
he was leahned, and insist that he
is"
He then turned to the United
States statutes and read to the court
the statute providing for the ap-
pointment of men who shall be
learned in the law as judges and at
torneys Of the district courts.
Closing his book and removing his
glasses, he continued, $50, your
honor, you sec that he is leahned-
not in the sense your honor is
leahncd, not in the sense | try to be
lcahned, but from the fact. your
honor, that he is made leahned by
act of Congress ~
No further objection was made to
his sarcasm.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23
POETRY.
THE SNOW FORT.

In the happy days of boyhood,
Five and thirty years ago
(Life's golden age of joyhood,)
We built castles of the snow.
In the glittering drifts we quarried,
And our mason work was rare
AS those mansions, many storied,
Manhood fashions out of air.
Though our ramparts and our fosses
Might haYe puzzled old Vauban,
What cared we, the infant bosses,
For old fogy rule or plan
Our outworks were the Queerest
Ever reared by human skill,
But Of names we chose the dearest
Every fort was Bunker Hill.
How the parts of British leaders
Went a-begging, one and all
How we all were earnest pleaders
For front places on the wall
Boys detailed for service foreign
Fell in line with clouded brow,
Each one clamored to be Warren
And none wanted to be Howe.
The battle-ah, we fought it
Not at all by history's light
How the pesky English caught it,
How they always lost the fight
In despite of truth we chased them,
And, to facts entirely blind,
AS adown the hill we raced them
How we peppered them behind
Thus we fought the fight of Bunker's
In the days that knew no care,
Ere the snow we tossed, as younkers,
Time had sifted on our hair.
Now, alas, in the fierce battle
We wage daily with the world
Harder shots against us rattle
Than our boy arms ever hurled.
And 'tis not the generous tussle
OF the snow fort on the knoll,
But strife of those who hustle
Not the body, but the soul.
And, instead Of cleaning missiles
Poisoned shafts fly to and fro,
And we march DER CALLING thistles,
Not the velvet of the snow.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23
Not So Green.

The other day a Detroit youth,
who had came home from college
for vacation took his younger sister
out to see baseball game. She is a
quiet, demure lass, with blue eyes
and timid manner, and she slipped
into her seat in the grand stand as
staidly as if she were entering the
family pew at church.
AS the game progressed he kindly
undertook to explain to her some.
thing about the points sO she would
understand at least little bit about
it.
"Now the younger man is about
to throw the ball." he said. He
is called the pitcher. The man with
the stick in his hand is called the
batter. He will try to hit the ball,
and If he does he will run to that
little bag, which is called base"
The young mans sister seemed to
be quite interested, and listened at
tentively to his explanation.
Presently somebody hit out two.
bagger that went clear through the
shortstop, and lit out for first like a
wild turkey.
The young man began to explain.
Now" he said, eff the fielder
throws the ball to the man on the
bag before"
The young man ceased suddenly.
His sister had sprung upon the
bench, grabbed his hat, and thrown
it into the crowd, and shrieked at
the ton Of her yOica
Yah, yah, yah! Wasn't that a
hot tamale? Ss-ss-ss- 81. zzz-zzz -
get that shortstop seine. Go it,
Dempsey, you are a peach Oh,
lordy, wat daisy cutter! Get him
a basket Whoopee, don't that
make your whiskers curl Yah,
yah, yah !"
"Sit down, SIS" said the young
man, in slightly aggrieved tone.-
" Why didn't you tell me you were
a rooter ?n
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23
NUMBER 18.
His Son Sam.

There was n man about forty years
old seated on the fence in front of
the house, and swinging his legs as
he smoked, and as / halted and sa.
luted him and inquired about tho
road ahead he asked:
"Stranger, be you what is called
an eddecated man?"
81 have something Of an educa-
tion," | replied, as | noticed how
grim he looked.
"Then l don't want nut him to
say to YOU" he continued, as he set
tied back.
Perhaps you are down on oduca-
ton 2"
" Perhaps | am, sab. Yes, sab, |
don't want nuthin' to do with them
kind o. critters"
Have you suffered any injury at
their hands ?n
Hev |? Waal, now, you climb
up here and look over that field
It's bekase of eddecashun that I'vo
broken my back and hain't got no
mo- ambishun left"
/ climbed up beside him and saw
that the field had been dug up i'm
hundred different places, as if some
one had been digging graves.
"That's what I've been at for tho
last y'ar," growled the man, as he
kicked the fence with his heels to
prove his feelings. " Yes, sab, Ive
put in ten hours day right yere
with pick and shovel fur the last IL
months, and mebbe you don't won
der that Pm down on eddecashun."
What have you been doing2"
"Diggin' fur gold, sah."
"And you haven't found any ?"
Chow could I, when it wasn't
thar to be found? / jest feel my
self gettin' dangerous when | think
o. it. Better pass on, stranger, be-
fore / break loose"
But tell me why you dug all
those holes in this field" l persisted.
" Who told you there was gold
here?
"Waal, sab, it's all a-owin' to my
son, Sam. He wanted eddecashun
and could not be denied, and | fl
nally sent him down to Rosedale to
skule. Jest as soon as he could read
he cum home and told me about
Captain Kidd, the pirate, and we
hSHSIcll tlIdI tIle Ole
buried his treasure right yere. I
went to diggin' fur it and kept at it
till last week."
"But Captain Kidd was an ocean
rover"
"Of co'se."
And he couldn't have buried
any treasures hundreds of miles in
land?"
"Of cO'se not. That's what a
critter told me as he cum along last
week. He made it so mighty plain
that l quit diggin' and went to wait
ing"
You-you are waiting for some
one, eh?"
"I ar, sab waitin fur my son,
Sam, who'll be home this day. He
will find me right yere as he Gums
along. He'll AK how the diggin'
Gums on and if I've found the gold
yit, and then sumthin' will utter a
and light down on him.
That sumthin' will be me, and befo'
l am through with that varmint of
an offspring the cause of eddecashuu
in this State will git so tangled up
and pulveriZed and tied into knots
that it will take 20 Vars fur it to go
ahead again and deceive an honest
man." M. QUAD.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

Old Nose, who sells eggs and
chickens for living, is as honest an
old negro as ever lived, but he has
the habit Of chattering familiarly
with his customers, hence he fre.
quently makes mistakes in counting
out the eggs they buy. He carries
his wares around in small cart
drawn by a diminutive Donkey
He stopped in front of the residence
Of an old lady, who came out to the
gate to make the purchases.
Have you got any eggs this
morning, Uncle Nose ?" she asked.
Yes, indeed, l has. Jes' got in
ten dozen from de kentry."
I" Are they fresh ?"
81 gua'ntees 'em. | knows doy
am fresh"
"Pll take nine dozen. You can
just count them into this basket"
CAD right, num-" He counts ::
One, two, free, toah, five, six,
seben, eight, nine, ten. You kin
rely on dem bein' fresh. How'3 yo'
son comin' on at de skule? He
mus be mos grown?"
Yes, Uncle Nose, he is a clerk
In DanK In GalVeSt0n.'
Why, how ole am de boy"
He is eighteen"
"You don't tole me so. Eighteen,
an gettin' salary already. Eigh-
teen, (counting) nineteen, twenty,
twenty one, twenty two, twenty
free, twenty-foah, twenty -five-and
how's yo' gal comm on? She was
mos growed up de las time | see
her."
She's married and living in Dal-
las"
Wall, l declar'. How dc time
scoots away! AM you say she has
childruns? Why, how ole am de
gal? She mus be jes' about"
Thirty-three."
Am dat so? (Counting.) Firty-
free, firty-foah, tirty-ive, firty-six,
tirty-seben, firty-eight, firty-nine,
forty, forty-one, forty-two, forty
free. Hit am so singular that you
has an'childruns. You don't look
more den forty yeahs ole yerself."
Nonsense, old man, | see YOU
want to fiatter me. When a person
gets to be fifty-three years old"
4" Fifty-free? jes' don't gwinter
b'leeve hit. Fifty-free, fifty-f0ah,
fifty-fve, fifty-slx-I want you to
pay 'tenshun when ! counts de eggs,
so dar'll be no -fifty-nine,
sixty, sixty-one, siXty-two, sixty.
free, whew! Dis is a
warm day! Dis am de time ob de
yeah when l feels Ise gettin', ole
myself. 1 amt long fer dis worp.
You comes from ole family. When
yO' tadder died he was sebenty
yeahs OLE"
"Seventy-two."
"Dat's old, suah. Sebenty-two,
sebenty-tree, sebenty-foah, sebcnty-
five, sebenty-siX, sebenty-seben, seb-
enty eight, sebenty nine-an' yo'
mudder? She was one OBJ de no.
blest lookin' ladies | ebber see.-|
You reminds me OBJ her so much.
She libbed to mos hundred. /
b'leeves she was done pass II centu-
rion when she died"
"No, Uncle Nose, she was only
ninety-siX when she died"
Den she warn't no chicken when
she died. 1 know dat-ninety-six.
ninety-seben, ninety-eight, ninety.
nine, one hundred, one, two, free,
foah, five, six, seben, eight. Dey is
one hundred and eight nice fresh
eggs, an here is one mo- in case I
has discounted myself"
Old Nose went on his way rcjoic-
ing. A few days atterward the lady
said to her husband:
" l am afraid we will have to dis
charge Matilda. She steals. am
positive about the eggs, for | bought
them day before yesterday, and now
about half of them are gone. /
stood right there and heard old Nose
count them myself, and there were
nine Dozen"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

A STUDENT at one of the theolog-
ical seminaries in New England had
written with much care a sermon,
and passed it to the professor for
criticism. After two weeks ne
called on the professor, and stated
that he left his manuscript with
him and had called for it, and would
be glad of any suggestions from
him. 1t was returned without any
criticism or suggestion. The stu
dent. well pleased with his own pro-
duction, was intent on having the
opinion of his teacher, and called
again and referring to the sermon,
asked what hymns would be apprO-
pirate in connection with it. The
professor replied, "The most appro-
pirate hymn can think of is, Now
I lay me down to Sleep"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

THE KLONDIKE GOLD FIELDS.-
Away up at the head of the Yukon,
the great river of Alaska, are the
richest gold mines in the world. To
get there you must first cross the
continent, which you can do much
easier than they did in 40, but there
the trouble begins. You must then
travel 2, 800 miles to ST. Michaels,
an Alaskan seaport. Then you go
up the Yukon river 1895 miles fur
ther to Dawson City, which is in
British territory. Then you are In
the center Of the gold fields. You
are also in the midst of country, APP
palling in its inhospitable appearance
and conditions, and are surrounded
by a climate only fit for white bears,
reindeer and esquimaux dogs, and
not very good for them. Food is
scarce and very dear; it takes for
tune to get you there, and it will
take another to get you away, if you
get away at all. These recent gold
discoveries have turned rushing
tide of people to this far-away re-
gion, and it is almost certain that
great suffering will ensue to the for
tune-hunters, as they will hardly
reach their bleak FL Dorado before
the Arctic winter will be upon them.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

"AND why" the teacher con-
tinued, should we hold the aged in
respect ?" "Cause it's mostly the
old men that has all the money"
Tommy answered, and the teacher
wasn't ablo to offer any better rea.
son.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

MRS. JONES" You say, Uncle
Lemuel, that you are out of work
and your family is starving, and yet
] understand that you have three
dogs about the house ?" Uncle Lem
uel--" Yes, ma'am, but L couldn't
ask my family to eat dogs"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

WAS the hotel homelike ?"-
Every. My husband and had the
greatest difficulty in treating each
other with common courtesy while
we we're there"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

a BIG item "Say, mister" said
the little Fresh Air child, as che
watched the cattle enjoying their cud, ,
"do you have to buy gum for all of
them cows to chew ?'
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

IN CHINA the "rules for war;"
which even now are used for govern
ing the troops i'm the field, are some
three thousand years old. One of
these rules enjoins the celestial sol
dier to "spread in the camp of the
enemy voiuptOus musical airs, so as
to soften his heart"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

BLooMERs may be all right to
strike matches on" says an astute
New Yorker, "but the girls will find
they are mighty poor things to make
matches in.D
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

HAPPINESS is shy nymph and
It you chase her, you will never
catch her. But just go quietly on
and do your duty, and she will come
tn von
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

IN one of Josh Billings's papers he
says: "The sun was a-going to he'd,
and the heavins fur and near we're
a-blushing at the performance"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

AFFLIcTIoN is a good school, but
most people would rather be excused
from attending it.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

" ESPECIALLY shun whiskey, fast
women and the United States, I"
were the dying words of a man who
was hanged In Canada.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

NEW SCHOOL OF REFORMERs.-
" Who Is that woman with the big
hat and the pasty complexion
Why, that's the Countess Cara
mels-the woman who ran away
from her husband and five children
with an organ-grinder. She's the
author of that charming phamphlet
entitled "A Warning to American
Girls."O
=" And who Is that red faced female
In the low-necked gown?"
"Thats Lady Shamey. She's been
divorced three times, and is now
advertising for an American husband
with money"
Why Is she here ?n
Don't you know? She's the
author of that touching brochure
called, Keep the Marriage Tie
Sacred.'n
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-09-23

HARD workers are usually honest /;
industry lifts them above tempta-
tion.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-03-25

Mrs. Clark Lyon, landlady of the
Lyon hotel, Centralia, was the guest of
Mrs. VIM. Hooper the fore part of the
week. We are panied to note that she
is not enjoying the best of health.
Measles and la grippe are prevalent
in this village and nearly every house
hold is afflicted with either one or the
other. DIR. MCGregOr is kept very busy
waiting upon his patients.
II. f. Herrick, landlord Of the Her.
rick house, contemplates the erection
If 4 large addition to his present hotel
building, for the purpose of better
handling his rapidly increasing trade.
George Hinckley's Youngest child is
dangerously sick with spasms.
John Nicol, the entprprising butcher,
went to Stevens Point, Tuesday, where
he hopes TO sell his running horse.
Mr.. and Mrs j. H. Young and two
children are very sick with la grippe.
These constitute the whole family and
the neighbOrs are obliged to look after
them during their illness which is
greatly appreciated.
Mrs. a. II. kleburg and Mr.. Gavin
YOung's little girl, Barbara, are visiting
relatives this week in Appleton.
A. Z. Lapham, the popular druggist,
has had the interior Of his store build
ing freshly calcimined and papered,
and it adds greatly to its appearance.
Mr.. 0. Olson and family are going to
move to Port Edwards, this week,
where two of his daughters have en-
ployment in the paper mill.
Miss Libbie Taylor departed Sunday
evening for Minnesota, where she eX
poets to make an extended visit among
relatives.
Louis Jorgensen of Stevens Point,
who is employed in the paper mill here,
has moved his family to this village this
week.
Mrs. Lydia Houston and Mr.. Reuben
Lyon of Centralia were gnests of Mr..
and Mrs. William Hooper on Tuesday.
Chas. Oberly is going to supply the
village with a pleasure yacht which vii!
accommodate pleasure parties on the
pond between NekOOsa and Port Ed
wards. This will be quite novelty for
this village.
VIM. Goldberg of the town of Grant,
Portage Co., supplies this village with
brick cheese of his own manufacture.
1t requires over POO lbs. month to
supply the trade.
A new depot is among the first i'm
provements expected here this spring
Five hundred and fifty carloads of
hemlock wood have been received by
the Nekoosa Paper Co. in January,
February and up to the DIST day of
March This wood is all supplied along
the line of the G.. NJ. q St p. II. r. from
romahawk, Wis, to place of delivery.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-03-25

II. C. Stevens has been appointed
agent for the Model Steam Laundry,
Centralia, with whom laundry packages
can be left. Prompt service is rendered.
A. Gray arrived home from his work
in the north, the camps having broken
up and the mills in that section shut
down. lie expects to be home for some
time.
DR.. Hougen was called to attend Miss
Ida Halvorsen, who was thought to be
on the way to the measles.
Three more girls have been added to
the finishing room at the mill. making
III all nine who have steady work.
1t seems that everybody is inquirng
for house to rent or for place to board.
Surely Port Edwards will have to have
more houses to shelter its workmen and
their families.
Mr.. T. J, Wood and son, Guy, were
visitors at the company's Office Thurs
day.
Mrs. Theron Lyon was in town, Mon
day. the guest of Mrs. A. Gray.
Mrs. Swain is on the sick list this
week. Mrs. E. Burk is taking care of
her.
MI and Mrs. John Christensen have
with them their little nephew from Ru-
dolph, who is attending our school.
Mr. L. NJ. Alexander and daughter,
Pauline, departed for Milwaukee, Fri
day evening. Mr.. Alexander will be
absent for week on business in the
east
Miss Mason came down with Mr..
Garrison and spent Monday morning
in this berg.
Messrs. E. Eichsteadt and H. Hal
vorsen drove to the cities Sunday last.
The company has shipped out several
car loads of paper and the mill is run
ming night and day. They hope to
start the second machine in a few DAYS.
The wood Is about all in now that the
ward will hold; but they are still I'M
loading from eight to ten cars a day.
Port Edwards was the scene Of con-
siderable excitement last Saturday.
when one of Bells livery horses, driven
by a travelling man from Neko0sa, GOT
as far as IN front of the store and was
taken with cramps and fell down. 1t
was doctored up and finely got able to
be driven home Bell came after it.