Semi=weekly graphic., 1897-01-27
SUGGESTIONS TO THE LEGISLATURE.



We presume that most of you are
ware that you represent the great
est State in the Union. and ii our
presumption is correct we are conf
dent that most Of YOU wish to main
tain the dignity Of the Common
wealth you have The honor to serve.
70 this end we beseech you not to
overlook small things in this day Of
large affairs. Know you that
1T is the little rift within the lutte
That bye and bye will make the music mute
And ever widening slowly silence ALA
Now among the numberlesse little
things to which we would have you
give heed, our lack OF space forbids
us to mention but a few First, we
warn you under no circumstances to
pare your corns on the capital steps;
it might excite unfavorable comment
among strangers; besides being vio-
lative of the law concerning nuis-
anees Nor ought you to soil your
maculate shirt fronts with the
dark golden amber of the beloved
weed. Be clean in person as in poll
tics, so that by each condition the
other quality may be indicated. /
respectfully suggest to members that
it is a little out OF form to sit on
your spines with your legs crossed
on top of your desks. This ugly
fashion, brought into the State many
years ago by the Yankee sehoolmas-
ters, was formerly allowable, in that
it was regarded as a badge OF high
breeding to Keep the floor or carpet
as far as possible unsoiledIby thefeet.
Moreover, the day Of red-top boots
passed away with the paper collar,
and the opportunity to display flashy
colored footwear ceased to exist as
in the good old days of boots and
spurs.
When we were in Little Rock we
happened to notice frequently that
many of you gentlemen had a way
of conveying food to your mouths
with the knife, and also knack of
openly using your doylies for all the
purposes of a handkerchief. Such
habits are positively dangerous and
should be abandoned. You are LA
BILE to cut your mouth by eating
with knife, and thus run the risk
of diminishing your ability to talk
and that loud and continual blowing
OF the nose at the table. using the
dolly as a handkerchief, is likely to
produce nervous diseases among the
ladies OF the dining room and other
guests not used to the time-honored
custom
Another thing, gentlemen, deserv-
ing your attention, is your boot
heels. We Lave observed that many
of the country members still persist
in polishing their shoes only in front,
leaving the modest heel often encased
in the glorious soil of Arkansas,
gathered in Arcadian dells OF the
Ozarks, or by the fertile tracts of the
winding White, or where the Bellucid
Ouachita wanders beneath the forest
shade. Though such dirt may in
spire US to poetry, it does not sup
press our dislike to shoes shined in
spots.
Having seen much of legislatures
in our time, we have been forced to
the conclusion that members with
long, populistic boards, wild, tangled
and matted, should wear collars and
cravats as we'll as the less favored
statesmen. We are OF the opinion
that the absence of neckwear usually
suggests that a long beard is a mere
economical measure, and it is unde-
niable that the average farmer, or
workingman, dislikes to see man
practice economy who makes six
dollars for half days work, has
page-boy free to fetch his drinking
water, and sharpen both his pencils
and his wit free postage and sta
tionery, TWEEN ty-five free newspapers,
and free drinks and cigars day and
night.
Since ladies have become your SER
wants in the clerical portion OF your
work, and are daily present at your
deliberations. you should make Il a
point to do your hardest drinking at
night. The greatest objection to the
old way of sleeping Off a drunk in the
chamber was that ladies who often
sat in the galleries would be apt to
criticise severely the booty ssolon,
and in fact grow to believe that
members were not such great men
after all. You must keep the women
under the old delusion that you are
great or they will not only demand
the clerical Offices OF the legislature,
but will want to become solons like
yourselves.
In conclusion we bid you a merry
and useful legislative season, and
believe, if you will adopt the sugges-
lions herein made, you will be both
wiser and happier; and on next Sun
day be in proper frame OF mind and
body to receive suggestions from us
pertaining to certain measures now
pending before your honorable body.