The age-herald., 1897-09-30

Hans. why dtd you take off your hat
 to that man?" "Dct man vas men shveetheart init de golden hairs fader.-- Chicago Tribune.
 Terrible Thrsat-"John, if you don't
 quit referring to me as the old womani I'll make you sorry for it." What will you do, dear?" .I'il be a new woman" -IrdianapoIls Journal.
 "Hopsmith ought to take his wife with
 An said Mrs. Busby to her husband,
 who has come home with a Ltack eye
 and no hat, that's what you get for
 riding a Bicycle" No. my dear, it's
 what I get for not being able to ride one," said Buzby.--Tit-B
 Its shame the way those girls play 1 golf" said the rfhclis9phical mosquito.
 ''Take Mss Nellie Jcnas, for instance.
 Why, when tried to bite her arm last I night. it was so hard 1t turned my bill l in."-Harper's Bazar.
 l In Good Comrady- -Mamma-"N Now,
 Johnny, you must remember to use your right hand. I don't want you ito be-
 come left-harf7e1." Johnny = Why,
 mamma! some Of the best pitchers in the League are left-handedi"-Puck
 What He Forgot-"Didn' you forget
 something, s.r?" asked the waiter.
 ''Yes," rep,ted Gimpy. reaching for h.s
 hat You were SD 1cng bringing my dinner tEat forget what Irhad ordered. Philadelphia North American A lad on a rainy day started in to l while away the hours by reading the i Encyclopaedia Britannica" through. Wen, my son." said his father, "how do 1 you like it?" Pretty good, was the an
 swer. .-Aleebra'a slow. but Alligators is
 bully ly."-Hafper's Drawer. Bacon-"Bat is the most absent minded
 man I ever knew" Egbert--"What's s i he been doing n5w?" Why he got into 1 an elevated train the other day, and
 there wasn't a soul in the car, but he
 stood up and to5k hold of strap, just 1 the sanSs. ."-YonlSers Statesman. Mamma. what is a farce?" "A farce l Why, it is the way your father went l around and watered all my driad-up l plants the morning after I got home. -
 Detroit Free Press.
 Lamb-I can't understand how man can afford to take public office when it l costs more than the salary comes to to 1 get elected? Wolf-It is evident you were not cut out for a statesman.-- 1 Boston Transcript
 Miss Twiss, eldest daughter of Horace 1 Twiss, married the editor of the Times, | and. on becoming a widow, married his successor, MT. John Delane. Her father 1 thus happily described the double event: "She took the Times and supplement. ''- Tat-Bits.
 l Carrying It to Extremes.-"A celluloid 1 Bible that can be washed has been in | vented. It's for use in court rooms" Next thing they'll be inventing uphol- 1 stered dictionaries for small children tor sit on at the dinner table'-Cleve- 1 land Plain Dealer.
 Foreign Banker. speaking of the wide 1 ly discussed gold importation. and par l odying Lowelrs well known lnes "In vain we call old notions fudge,
 And split small fractions in our deal 1 ing;
 | Plain facts and figures will not budge,
 And fake gold shipments will cause l @s feeling
 Mrs. Scrappe-Nry husband and I
 agreed the day we were married to have no quarrels. Friend-Have you lived up to u r. MIS. ocrappe-Weli, nave; put l I don't think anything could keep John
 from looking ugly at times.-Philade1- l phia North American.
 The Rev. MT. Wilgus.-My dear friend, 1 all would be well if you would only l avoid the first drink. It is the first
 drink that does the harm. MT. Lush | forth-I dunno about that; but it's a 1 fact that the first one doesn't seem to 1 do much good.-Indianapol Journal.
 A Big Miscalculation-Wear Willie | Yss. l heard dat farmer paid his help 1 jes4' de same whedder dey worked or
 not so 1 wentster work fer him. Sunset
 Sims-An' played sick, I suppose
 Weary Willie-Yep; until found out dat
 he never paid nobody; he wuz dead- | beat.-Puck.
 At one of our police courts last week a woman was charged with driving
 without a lamp. She stated that she
 had lamp, but had forgotten to put a l candle in it. "Ah." said the magistrate, l you're like the foolish virgin who for 1 got the oil" To which defendant re- | piled: I'm not a foolish virgin; I'm | married, with four children" ."-,Tft- Bits. |
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