The Monitor-register., 1897-04-16

Kitty Footlights-"4es, L will take
some game, lobster salad, ice cream and
cofee."-Les1ie's Weekly.
NY
Sage-They say tobacco is bad for the
memory.
Morgan-I don't believe it. l haven't
been able to forget that cigar you gave
me six months ago.-Puck.
"Bilkins has just returned" "Where
has he been?" ITO Monte Carlo, to win
enough to pay his wedding expenses"
"And the wedding?' "Hss been post
poned for two years."-LJe.
**x
Mr.. Surley (savsgely)-That con-
founded baby is always crying. What's
wrong with him?
Mrs. Surley (sweetly)-He's got your
temper, love.-IH Bits.
~
Francis-Yes, he is pursuing literature.
Gertrude-Indeed! And is he very sue.
c~essful?
Francis-No. 1t is still a long way
ahead of him.-CIe0eland Leader.
~
How is it that Wildon comes to the
club every night now? 1t used to be we
couldn't get him here once a month";
sob, he married last fall and settled
down."-Detroit Free Press.
*x
Wood-"Say, that was pretty rough on
Jones to-day, wasn't it?"
Stone-"What was that"
Wood-"His beard. He hasn't been
shaved for a weekly. Y. Tribune.
~
"Heinrieh, you do not love me-"
"How can you say such a thing when
I've kissed you thirty times in ten
minutes?"
"If you really loved me you would not
have counted thu isses.-Bgtegende
BlBtter.
"What are you going to be when you
grow up, Ethel?"
ppm going to be a divorced lady, like
Mrs. Fluffy. Mamma says she has more
fun than you can shake a stick at."-
Cleveland PIain-Dealer.
Nv
"Benson, you know, went to Africa,
and there met bis DEATH"
"Poor fellow! But his body was
brought home and given a decent burial,
wasn't it."
swell, they hanged the cannibal, and
then brought home his body and buried
} it.'-BOstOR Iraueler.
i ~
There is a girl in a Baltimore hospital
who has made eleven attempts to com
nit suicide. 1t is needless to say thai
she never tried starting the fire with coal
oil.-CIeUeland Leader.
~
The Lover-"Miss Richgirl is a perfect
jewel"
The Cynic-'Yes; and the best part oil
it is, she is gold. mounted "-CSncinnat
Commercial.
~
"There are many stars that are never
SEEN" said the astronomer, reaectively.
"Yes, and there are a lot that never
ought to be seen, too" returned the
theatrical manager, with some emphasis.
1t was two days later before the sstro
homer finally got it through his head
that the theatrical manager was not a
plain, everyday idiot Chicago Post.
Nv
Mrs. Meek-"Of course, l am worried.
AS a dutiful wife l can't help feeling so.
for l am sure my husband is keeping
something from me, and l shan't be
content until l know what 1t is"
Mrs. Freak-"My husband is keeping
something from me, too, and | am
worried because 1 know what it is"
Mrs. Meck-s'Indeed! What is it?"
Mrs. Freak Its money."-BOStOn
Courier.
"Gripsack has got his appetite back
again"
Chow did he do it?"
"Got caught in a washout, and the
railroad had to pay his board fora week."
Chicago Tribune.
~
Ready for Orders.-"In summer time,"
/ said the loud-voiced man in the streetcar,
''you should drink the coolest water and
| kaon all uour aatahIas noId
II suppose you are a doctor?'' said the
lady next to him.
"No, madam; an ice -dealer Detroit
Free Press.
x*x
Making a Change.-''Hov yez got any
petroleum." she inquired as she entered
| the grocery store early in the moroing.
eyes" replied the clerk.
Are ye sure it's petroleum, an
nothin' else2"
absolutely certain"
"Well, yez kin give me ten cents
worth, an l want it in a hurry. The
missus says Owe got ty sbtop usin'
kerosene ty start the fire. Washington |
Star.
A Point 4 Remember.
If you wish to purify your. blood you
should take a medicine which cures o.ood |
diseases. Thu record of cures by Hoods
Sarsaparilia proves that this is the best
medicine for the blood ever produced. |
Hoods Sarsaparilla cures the most |