New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1897-12-01
Tales Of Hurnor

about Mark Twain which is So good that
it is wonder it has not been made pubs
lie before. While Mark Twain was i'll
in London few months ago q report
that he had died was circulated. Itspread
to America and reached Charles Dudley
Warner in Hartford, Conn. Mr.. Warner,
Immediately cabled to London to find
out whether it was really so. The cable
gram IN some way came directly into the
humorist's hands, and he forthwith ca
bled the following reply:
"Reports of my death greatly exagger-,
ated." e
A friend, whose head showed signs
of advancing years, consulted Lord
Granville on the sort Of present he, could
give to wealthy heiress on her mar
riage. II want something rare, but not
expensive" he said. "A lock of your
hair" suggested Lord Granville demure-
ly.-Weekly Scotsman.
Justice Hawkins still continues to dis
pense justice from the English bench,
though be is over so. He is still rated
by far the best criminal Judge in the
country, but his rough tongue gives him
a reputation for severity which his sent
ences do not warrant. When he was
about to pass sentence on a convicted
felon the prisoner rose and said:
MAY the Almighty strike me dead if
I don't speak the truth. I am innocent
of this crime"
Judge Hawkins said nothing for about
minute, when, after glancing at the
clock, he Illuminated in his most impress
sive tones:
"Since the Almighty has not thought
fit to intervene, I will now proceed to
pass sentence" Boston Herald.
At q baseball game not long since-a
ball struck and knocked senseless an
Engllshman whose back was turned to
the play during the match. On coming
to himself, be asked family: "What was
itF' "A foul-only foul" "Good
heavenv' he exclaimed, II thought it
was mule"
At ratepayers' meeting IN Loan
head, says the Weekly Scotsman, Chair
man Kerr adopted a novel expedient for
getting rid of an interrupter. A man
stood among the crowd at the back Of
the hall and made himself Objectionable
by his remarks, till the chairman init
mated that if anybody would give the
interrupter Cd. to 90 and get drink
he (the chairman) would refund the mon
ey. The man at once set out for the
platform, claimed and secured the Cd.
from the chairman, and left to get his
drink amid applause. The chairman
then took up the interrupted business
with the remark that the radiance was
cheap at the money.
An attentive listener, who was also a
good judge of stories, after hearing from
a youth his account of how he and two
companions kept five hundred Indians
at bay for twenty'four hours, asked :
"Do you know why the Lord said to
Ananias, Stand forth'?" Upon receiv-
ing negative answer he continued
swell, don't either, unless it was so
that you and yourtwo companions could
stand first, second and d."-Current
Literature.
There used to hang about the banks
of the Tyne an old fisherman, who earned
his living by diving into the river and
fishing out dead bodies, for which he
received commission of five shillings
for each corpse. ID.
One day he Owed into the river and
swan to what appeared to be ! dead
body, but which, when he reached it,
proved to be drowning man. On see-
ing the "corpse" was alive, he asked
"How much will you give me for this
jobv' 4s.
sob, three bob," gasped the drowning
man. .#..>
"Get down again, ye beggar! gets
five bob for dead Jump was the an
swer, as the fisherman dipped him once
more.
People and Public Honesty.
It is well to remember that govern
meut may exercise potent influence
over the condition of the people. The
Creator gives US q fertile soil and genial
sky, but government determines whether
Il