The San Francisco call., 1897-10-17

|
civilization" If such is really the case it
behooves the natives of the South Seas to
consider their missionaries in the light of
edibles instead of attem pting to profit by
an example they seldom set II annexa-
tion is to be the reward of civilization it
will be better for them to revert to state
OF savagery.
| The construction of a microscope that
will magnify 5000 600 diameters has caused
no little excitement in local circles, DO
liticai and otherwise. Prominent Demo-
| Gratis are assured that the mystery OF Sam
Rainey's fre-engine will now be solved,
that the poisonous germs in the water of
Sacramento will be discovered, that the
sources of Mr.. Bryan's rhetoric will also
De made public and that it will be possible
ior politicians to foresee results a year
ahead and so side ever with the winning
party. There are ruInors in the Police
Department that new star may be added
TO the San Francisco force by the dis
coVery of the lost Pleiad, and that with
the help OF this wonderful microscope no
less than two murderers will be captured
| annually Scientists are even sanguine
over the discovery of Professor Andree
and his balloon, and numberIess boarders
are calculating on finding the much abused
oyster that t1avors their Sabbath soup,
1t may soon be customary for a man to
| nave his loye-letters written for him by
| MS legal adviser. 1t is becoming danger
Gus 20 wste the passionate words dictated
| by a palp1tating heart lest they be read
| afterWard In open court for the ediication
! OF people whose little romance is over In
writing love-letter young man should
| count twenty after each word and limit
himself to ten lines. He should place IN.
terrogation marks after any word or en-
dearing term that may be used against
him and he should be careful how he sub
scribes himself The following, for IN
stance, is safe love-letter and may be
used by any one with mind to, as I have
generously refused to copyright it:
Gear u Miss 00gIe: have not seen you for
long time and 1 hope (?) to see you soon
lnciden tally would state that the same re-
mark applies 10 others. Did you receive the
| four-bit box of candy sent you? l also sent
| one Of like value to Miss Bill. Can you PLAY
| the "Chewing-Gum Waltz" published in the
| Sunday Vilifer? Ah, how beautiful some
people might consider you, Miss Ooglel How
sad 1t is that beauty is only skin deepl Ny
mother, aunt and sisters wish you to accom-
pany me to icecream and cucumber social
| the inclosed slip stating that you go OF your
own free will and not under hypnotic COM
! pulsion. JONATHAN BIFF
The statement about the young lady's
| beauty is put in so to relieve the heart
of its craving, but care should be taken
not 10 say too much.
| There is one man in Oakland whose
name is not as sweet unto him as it might
be. That man is John E. Damn, who
has just petitioned the Superior Court to
permit him to be known by an expletive
of somewhat smaller caliber. Mr.. Damn
is willing to be called Darn, Dash, or
| even Demme, but plain Damn is too COM
mon for him and he will have none of 1t.
l fear, however, that by whatever name
| the gentleman may be known in the fu-
| ture his spirit will continue to be trou-
bled. He will never forget that he has
been irrevocably Damned.
THE QUESTION CONCERNING THE POET.
How can pipe ike thrush or a linnet
When Pm only paid space? Nope; there amt
| enough in 1t.
1t seems only natural that in a CITY
where pork is thought more of than the
Deity, sausage-maker should be the
CERT and his vat will be imm ortalized in
song like the tun of Heidelberg; PLAYS
will be written about him, and the kineto-
scope man will hand him down to our
ar.stocratic posterity. If he only behaves
n mseif and eludes the gallows ne may be
placed in nomination ior President or, if
he aspires still higher, he may become
Mayor OF Chicago. Among his warmest
admirers from now on will be the vagrant
mem bers of the canine family, for it will
take a brave man 10 feast off sausages un-
til Mrs. Luetgert is satisfactorily ae-
counted for.
A Mr.. Hunt of Oakland, having been
deposed from his position as city gardener.
has seen fit to petition in verse the DOW
ers that be to reinstate him. 1t is to be
hoped this custom will not become gen.
eral among decapitated politicians. Much
as it might improve the average Job
holder to take course in poesy in the
State University, it is questionable
whether the morale of the community
would be improved by the publication OF
their effusons. When the soul of poIi-
| tician bursts into song one is apt TO be re-
minded of the condition of our sewers.
tho Alameda schoolteachers who have
been forbidden wearing mourning gar
ments while fulfilling their daily duties.
The reason given by the board that black
clothes have depressing effect upon the
children is nonsens cal one and only to
! be expected of men occupying such posi-
tions. Mourning garments are worn out
OF respect TO the dead and children are as
accustomed to them as they are to muslins
or any other dress stuffs. By laying down
the law as 10 what teachers shall wear the
Board OF Education has overstepped the
limits of its jurisdiction. The mem 5ers
thereof are hereby ordered to clothe them
selves in sackcloth and ashes.
TO-DAY.