The Providence news. (Providence [R.I.]) 1891-1906, 1897-01-07
One NIGHT STANDS.
Comedian Joseph Holland Relates
Some Of His Experience.
A Description OF the Bill Of Fare ut
Country Hotels.

| who, with his brother, has given some
charming performances in this city, ant
whose work has been doubly interesting be
cause Of n physical infrmity consisting OF
inability 10 hear single word uttered by his
associate players during the progress OF a
PLAY, by reason Of deafness, has written n let
ter which is TO a certain extent a leaf out oi
the book OF his experience and a chapter from
the life record Of nearly every player who
has attained distinction from humble walks OF
the drama. Mr.. Holland says:
The poor "one-night stand is responsible
for mere stories of discomfort TO the actor
than all the other ills the Thespian fesh Is
heir TO- TIE happy, comfortable dweller in
the metropolis has no clearer idea OF the Rv-
erage "one-night stand" than has the camel
OF the details of an ice carnival.
The greatest boon an actor can possibly en-
Joy is long season in New York the greatest
discomfort he can possibly be subjected to is
| n long continued season of one night stands.
Imagine, II you can, the average one
night stand town with from two to half
dozen hotels, all of the same class ami such
class that IL you intrust yourself to the
{. nder mercios OF the best you swear you
have selected the worst.
I'm small Southern town few years since,
after alighting at the railway station. saw
| a deplorable looking Jehu attempting TO keep
| a couple Of vicious. savage looking quadru.
| pcds in state of subjeciio with the aid of
| "a pair of reins and club. and asked him
| which of the two hotels named in the agents
| report was the best. ''Well," said the driver,
| ''if you 90 to either you will wish you
| had gone 10 tho other before the day is over"
| You have heard this chestnut before. only
| mention il % show that the one-night
! route tho actor not only endures the bad ho-
| tells, but has to listen TO all the old jokes of
| bygone days But to continue.
ThI landlord of the average one-night stand
| hotel is a character. The chief executive o;
| the nation would only have TO ruffie mine
hos the wrong way to find how unimportant
n parsonage the President is compared to the
keeper OF the lealing hotel OF a country
town.
AT this house you register soon the
village yokels will allow you 10 get near
enough TO the desk and after the clerk comes
in from taking care of the omnibus horses
and scrutinizes your signature, as though
afraid of forgery, you are handed either a
huge brass buzz saw, with the room key at
tached, large section of railroad tic,
with long chain holding the key the buzz
saw or railroad tie being merely precaution
taken to prevent your pocketng IL on depart
ing.
You are informed that your room Is on the
third floor, and shown tn stairway. You
arc tired and demur to walking mp. The man
looks at you witheringly and drawls, .'Eteva.
tor? What's thatS This amt the Worl
dorf' And you start out on a voyage of dis
covery finally locating your room after wand
cring through several long and dimly lighted
halls for half an hour. A bedI Yes, there is
one, and you try it; all is damp. thin and
hard. II there is any strong argument in ia
vor o! early rising il is the one-night stand
bsd
When the dinner hour l2 o'clock in the
Provinces, arrives, you look up the dining
room and wander about unattended until
You see chair that suit. your fancy and
then scat yourself at table with damp
ablecloth, unfold damp table napkin and
await developments. When the waiter lady
who has charge Of your particular table tires
Of flirting with the boot and shoe drummer
she approaches your chair, gazes at the ceiling,
and rattles off, 'Roas.becfco nedbeeimutton-
andrcastpork!" You finally select beef, and
after waiting the allotted time it arrives-a
sample cut from the horns swimming in |
grease. This, with several portions of vege.
to your own reflections, while the waitress !
returns to the drummer, who comes regularly |
once u month and Is acquainted.
When there IL n bill of fare early attendance |
is necessary, OF tbs lead pencil fiend, who af-
ter the first round crosses Off all that is desir-
able, leaves you TO struggle with the indiges-
tible remains of the feast.
A good one-night stand hotel story is told |
OF the veteran g. w. Couldocl who was try |
ing 10 look pleasant while undergoing the
tortures of the most rrctentious hostelry IN
a western town, where his company was
obliged TO spend an almost endless Sunday.
Warned by tho saturday's experience, he
to be In early at dinner, and was
at the long general table after the gong
The bill Of fare was a work of art |
in blue and rel inks, announcing spring
chicken and spring lamb and the usual list of
roa,t meats, winding up with stuffed heef's
heart Now. Couldock IL great lover OF red
pepper, and he asked the writress for some.
After careful search the girl returned and
infor mod the old actor that there was no red
pepper in the no el. Highly indignant, he
left the dining room in quest Of a drug store, |
which he Don found, an after purchasing n
supply uf his favorite condimcnt he returned
10 the table and took mp the bill OF fare, but, |
oh! what change. He found everything he
wanted crossed off. He called the waitress
and ordered some chicken.
"All out" she answered cheerily, but we
have some fine Scef's heart"
Bring mo some lamb. then"
Sorry" she said ms though she meant
glad" It's all gene. but the beef's heart Is
hne I"
Thus the conversation wandered down
through the entire bill of fare, and the actor
finally said, ''Sec here, you 20 and get mo the
heart OF the damned landlord that runs this
hotel end I'll eat ID raw" This display of
tendencies secured him fried
chop and dyspepsia. but the landlord was
saved.
The theater, always called by the natives the
'Opcry House, Is, in its way, as great
rial as the hotel The "Opcry House" IL
usually up one or more flights Of stairs, the
stage furnished with coal oil footlights and
he dressing rooms furnished with nothiog.
Speaking Of dressn; roors reminds me of |
so.called theatcr in Southwestern Missouri