The Monitor-register., 1897-03-05

Uhot! eApldluou Juo uiSu naval
official. mo more money to equip the
for sea service Have we
not"
1t was clear that he knew whereof he
spoke.
"a sinking fund ?"-New York Press.
**x
First American (prondly) - "My
daughter is engaged to a viscount."
Second American (with contempt)-
'Humph! That's nothing. My daughter
has heen divorced by an earl. - CleUeland
Leader.
x+x
Lonesome Larry-"I'm awfully un.
certain about what ate at dat boardin'
house,
Weary William-"What did it look
like ?'
Lonesome Larry-"I can't describe it,
but its nom de plum was hash. adams
Freeman.
"What is your new girls name ?"
81 call her Brooklyn"
"Why ?"
''She smashes SO many plates."-
CleUeland Plain Dealer.
x*x
She-''You won't object to having dear
mamma live with us after we are married,
will you ?"
He e. young doctor)-"Not at all. In
fact, she will be most welcome"
SIT is SO good of you to say sop
"Not at all. You see she is always
ailing, and really need somebody to
experiment on. Comic Cuts
x*x
Mr.. Wallace-"These theatre hat
bills"
Mrs. Wallace-''By the way, dear, l
suppose you will find one in your mail
tomorrow. - Cincinnati Enquirer.
.*x
He sighs for flowers and birds that sing
Sweet notes of vernal glee;
It's six long weeks to gentle spring,
The coal will last but three.
Washington Star.
50
II second the notion" said the man
on the rear of the tandem.
-.
We know one man who is so ardent
free silverite that he wont even go to
New York on Sound STANDARDIZATION
Transcript
80 you feel you cannot marry him 90
"Yes, I am fully decided"
why, don't you like him -
so, | like him we'll enough, but 1 can't
get him to propose"
*Fx
'No, Pm not well enough to run a
sewing machine"
"What do you intend doing this after
noon ?''
81 believe I'll take ten.mile run on
my bicycle"
Mstress-'A oaller2 Is it lady or a
gentleman
Servant-"I don't know, mum; it has
the voice of lady and the clothes of a
gentleman.
x*x
Junior Partner--"Wby did you give
drummer the job of collecting debts for
our firm Do you think he is any good ?"
Senior Partner-"Well, he collected
debt from me the other day."
x*x
Mrs. Bowers-"I do wish you would
go to church with me occasionally. How
are people to know that am married if
they never see you with me ?"
Mr.. Bowers-''Easy! Take the children
with you."-Pxck.
.*x
"Tommie, your spelling report is very
bad" said Mr.. Hicks to his boy.
"That's all right, papa" said Tommie.
"Wben grow up I'm going to dictate
all my letters, like you do, It's the type
writer that'll Lave to know spelling, not
me-"
GAIL demand for my CLIENT" shouted
;he attorney in the voice of a man who
was paid for it, sis justce!'
"I'm very sorry can't accommodate
7ou," replied the judge, ''but the law
Won't allow me to give him more than
'even years" IT'D Bits.
**x
Mamna-"Why, Dick, you took that
lose of medicine like little hero; didn't
wen make face."
Little Dick-sThat medicine don't
aste bad at ALL"
Mamma-"Mercy me! Maybe it isn't
.ood for anything"
NV
Wife (drearily) )-"Ah, me, the days of
Rivalry are past.'
Husband-"What's the matter now q,
Wife-"Sir Walter Raleigh laid his
loak on the ground for Queen Elizabeth
walk over, but you get angry simply
ecause poor, dear mother sat down on
our hat"
~
Professor Occurring l--"oxygen, gentle
aen, is essential to all animal existence;
here could be no life without it. Strange
o say, it was not discovered until
entury ago, when"
Student-"What did they do before it
7as discovered, professor P''-Household
Vords.
~
Stranger-s'Is the editor 10 q''
Sanctum Sentinel-"No, sir; he has
1st gone out"
Stranger-''This makes three times /
ave called to-day and each time you
ave told me he has just gone out.'
Sanotum sentinel-"He's the greatest
ian for luck you ever ."-Boston