Evening bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1895-1912, 1897-09-22
THE OLD HUMORISTS.
BOB BURDeTTE AND THE CHURCH.
GOING BRAKEMAN.

GOING BRAKEMAN.
Tho Episcopal Limited Express. tho Broad
Gauge Univorsalists, the Marrow Gauge
Presbyterians the Methodist Revival
Train and the Baptist River RssA.
On the road once more, with Lebanon
fading away in the distance, the fat
passenger drumming idly on the win.
dow pane, the CROSS passenger sound
asleep and the tall, thin passenger read
ing "General Grants Tour Arouad the
World" and wondering why "Green's
August Flower" should be printed
above the doors Of "a Buddhist Temple
at Benares. To me comes the brake
man and, seating himself OH the arm of
the seat, says:
81 went to church yesterday"
Yes" said, with that interested
infection that asks for more. "And
what church did you attend?"
(which do you guess?' he asked.
"Some Union mission school," haz.
arded.
"Naw, he said, "I don't like to run
ON those branch roads very much.
don't often go to church, and when do
want to run on the main line, where
your run is regular and on schedule
time and you don't have towait OH con-
nections. / don't like to run on a
branch. Good enough, but don't like
it,"
"Episcopal?" guessed.
ct ,iy,,itol ovDroe, Lo ,o.I
palace cars and 90 extra for seat; fast
time and only stop at big stations. Nice
line, but too exhaustive for brakeman.
All train men in uniform, conductors
punch and lantern silver plated and no
train boys allowed. Then. the passengers
are allowed to talk back to the con-
ductor, and 1t makes them too free and
easy. No, couldn't stand the palace
cars. Rich road, though. Don't often
hear Of receiver being appointed for
that line. Some mighty nice people
travel on II too"
"Universalisti' suggested.
Broad gauge" said the brykeman.
docs too much complimentary busi-
ness. Everybody travels on a passL
Conductor doesn't get fare once in 80
miles. Stop at all flag stations and
won't run into anything but Union
depot. No smoking car on the train.
Train orders are rather vague, though,
and the trainmen don't get along we'll
with the passengers. No, I don't go to
the Universalist, though know some
awfully good men who run on that
road"
Presbyterian" I asked.
Marrow gauge, ehp" said the brake
man. "Pretty track, straight as a rule;
tunnel right through mountain rather
than go round it; spirit level grade;
passengers have to show their ticket be-
fore they get on the train. Mighty strict
road, but the cars arc little narrow;
have to sit one in seat and no room in
the aisles to dance. Then there il no
stop over tickets allowed; got to 60
straight through to the station you re
ticketed for or You can't get on at all.
When the cars full, no extra coaches;
cars built at the shops to hold just SO
many, and nobody else allowed on. But
You DONE often hear Of any accident on
that road. It's run right up to the
rules"
Maybe you joined the Free Think.
ersl" said.
Scrub road" said the brakeman.
dirt roadbed and no ballast; no time
card and no train dispatcher. All trains
run wild, and every engineer makes his
own time, just as he pleases. Smoke il
you want to; kind of go as you please
road. Too many side tracks, and every
switch wide open all the time, with the
switchman sound asleep and the target
lamp dead out. Get on as you please
and get of when you want to. Don't
have to show your tickets. and the con-
ductor isn't expected to do any thing but
amuse the passengers. No, sir; WAS