The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1897-01-18

tanned germs of typhoid and
other awful things, and also
could convey dreaded tuberculosis,
which any COW was liable to have.
This and much more Hortense found
out from the professor about that ne
cessary liquid, milk, and in it's name
alone could conjure up string Of hor-
rors sufficient to cause ones hair to
stand erect or drive one to drunk
ards grave.
Suffice it to be said that as the class
progressed, the character Of our home
life changed completely. Carts with
manifold varieties Of mineral waters
daily stopped before our doors. Sam
pies of hygienic ice were thrust before
me, while filters large and small, round
and square, expensive and inexpensive,
became mOmentouS subjects for my i'm
mediate cOnsidera ton.
When / went to town I carried In
my pockets little bottles Of the ques-
tionable fluid which the milxman had
left with u.s. and begged the milk in
spector to tell me the truth about it.
Commonplace cans were soon ia
boOed, but even Immaculate glass jars
failed to give perfect satisfaction; we
found, in fact, that sterilized milk
alone was fitted for our delectation.
1.-THE plumbing was next attacked.
Here, felt sure, we were invulnerable,
for had 1 not, a short time since,
our friend the plumber.
"Fickle hope; that sanitary lecture
was one to make the heart of every
plumber leap with joy. Twas proved
the pipes were this. instead Of that,
while all the traps were thus instead
of so; my poor wife marveled when she
knew the truth, that we were still
alive
I'm vain I argued that up to date our
health had certainly been unimpaired,
for she replied that in the face of such
a miracle it ill behooved US not to do
our part to ward off further danger.
Oh, the value of that lecture for the
plumber!
Then we learned more of microbes.
How had we passed so many happy
years unconscious of their sovereign
sway? Everywhere they lurked ready
to seize upon their helpless prey.
"All the dTaperies were filled with
them; yes, and the carpets and the
rugs. All, those wicked microbes!
How poor Hortense shuddered when
she thought Of the years that these old
furniture coverings had sheltered them.
so we were brushed and scrubbed
and disinfected and naptha cleaned,
| and house cleaned twenty times
week
1--WE should have sanitary papers on
the walls, so Hortense said. At this
drew the line, and vowed l would not
have one in the house; I'd had expense
enough already, and I added that to
be a victim to poisoning by arsenic was
but trivial affair compared with SAM
tary housekeeping.
For the first time Hortense and L
fell out, and high words passed between
us. l rushed to town, leaving Hor-
tense with long-handled broom, de-
claring she would sweep away the
germs herself, since | was 50 hard
hearted. This she did, and got microbe
in her eye which cost her weeks Of pain,
! and me remorse and doctors bills.
From this time on Hortense made an
exhaustive and exhausting study of
hygienic cooking. Alas, that my pet
dishes were all unwholesome and de-
void of those health giving properties
which were pronounced quite indis-
penSable.
81 dined on healthful food, the very
thought of which now makes my blood
run cold, and ate dry educational crack
ers, the remembrance Of which chokes
me at this present moment; but even
that was not the depth of epicurean
| degradation; that was reached when l
took down feeble, tasteless, healthful
substitute for coffee.
breakfast became a cereal ordeal, at
which the children 9sulked and fretted,
while dinner was but a dire preventive
of future indigestion.
But I will not harass you by a too
minute, description of all that I have
suffered, it's a tale too sad to be re
peated.
''All I can say is, look at me, and
then remember what was when you
last saw me.
MY happy home is broken up; my
wife, whose overtaxed nerves have
wholly given way, is at neighboring
sanitariurn. My three children, pale
and emaciated from a health-food diet,
have gone up to an uncle's in the coun-
try. 1 alone remain to tell the tale
He rose and pressed my hand
"Good-by, my friend; say what you
will to others, but never speak to me
of advanced thought and scientific re-
Violations. The good old times are good
enough for me, the good old times when
ignorance was bliss