The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1897-04-08
LAUNCELOT LYMBERSLOTT.
BY j. l..
A Would-be Blooming Knight Comes
Over to Marry an Heiress.


| didn't think those blooming Ha-
mericans out west were as smart as
they are. Pa told me when | came
over e would write to me on knightly
paper with noble escutcheOn, so hig
norant Hamericans would think / was
a blue -boOded haristocrat. He says:
"Now, Launcelot, your old father as
been only common fish merchant;
but e's brought you up like lord and
you wants to 60 hover the hocean and
show those people your Henglish cul-
ture and 1 tells you, you'll come back
sure as day with a rich cattleman's
daughter what'll make millionaire
houten you. Then you can get into
parliament and buy yourself bloom
ing title"
SO ERE 1 comes over to the blooming
country to chawm the hignorant Ha-
mericans with my presence, and the
first thing knows I'm in prison. Why,
it's deuced queer, y know, to think on
it; but l cawn't say that it's jolly funny
to be in their blooming prisons, though
they do give a fellow more beef for
dinner than the working lads of Brum-
magem ave in three meals.
When l comes to this country, you
know, goes west to show the bloom
ing cowboys in Montana 'ow we'uns
ride the 'urdles in the hold country.
But the chaps wouldn't listen to me.
One of the blooming 'eathens says:
"Why, you cigarette faced danger sig
nal, I'll use that red-muZZled 'ead of
yours for branding iron if you don't
shut up telling us bout your seven-up
'urdle races"
Why, the idea. 1t makes me weep to
think of the 'orrid names he called me.
I've got beautiful, curly, auburn locks,
you know, and when l was to home
they always called me handsome
Launcelot, with the golden air" And
just think of those nawsty cowboys
calling me "a red headed muzzler!' l
don't know what ma would say if she
'eard them speak of my beautiful air
IN that fashion.
Why, even down in New Y ork, when
l first arrived, the ladies treated me
like prince, and told me ED make such
'andsome railway conductor" and
said "my commanding 'ead would stop
any train on sight" But, of course,
you know, we Britishers are used to
being fiattered in this country. 1t
seems that railway conductor is an
| Ugh position in Hamerica: but hits
below our Henglish dignity, you know
though 'ighly appreciated the ladies'
compliment.
And to think that when l come out
to this woolly west that those higno-
rant scoundrels should treat me so!
| Why, I'm a man of considerable abil-
ity, you know, and wanted to show it
to those folks, but they wouldn't ave
it. They says to me: "Launcy, you
haint got much on the hinside of that
ches'nut-brindle 'ead of yours, but
there's fortune in them red lilac
trimmings on the houtside. Why don't
you strike some railroad center and
ire out for danger signal or a barber
pole?" l become disguised with my
treatment in Montana. / wouldn't
think of ignoring one of those western
girls with my name even if their pas
were cattle kings. They were so haw-
fully plebian, you know. Why they
would even hask me, eff ma washed
my 'ead with cayenne pepper or dia-
mond dyes when was to home?"
So comes to Minnesota and henters
on financial career. borrows money,
gives notes, makes out checks, and am
doing real jolly business like bloom
ing tradesman in the hold country,
when along comes a hofficer and packs
me hoff to Jail. Why they say swim
dies. Won know. inst because I makes