davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The herald., 1897-09-24
Story by Joe Jefferson

At the sixth annual meeting and dinner
of the Old Colony club at the Vineyard
Sound house, Falmouth Heights, Joe JEFF
ferson presided, and opened the proceed
ings with the following story:
1.-THE worthy captain has just told me
that 1t is useless to expect of him a speech.
but If he were walking on the quarterback
of a ship he would know where he was.
Now that is where he greatly differs from
myself When I am walking the quarter
deck of a ship do not in the least know
where 1 am. I am reminded of what once
occurred to me. I was crossing the At
lantic. The weather was dreadful. Cap
tain Ashley knows what that means. I
was trying to guide myself along the deck.
and, incidentally, to aid others. In this
mission l ran across lady lying pros
trated on the deck, evidently sorely trou.
bled with that dreadful disease, seaslck-
ness.
II said to her, Madame, may BRING
you anything to relieve your
"She looked up at me and feebly said:
I beg you will not mention it. Will you
also kindly excuse me, sir?
II then said to her: But Is there moth.
ing l can do for you?
No, SIR said she in the same tone.
Please go away
".But, madame I said. you are evil
IDENTIFY suffering. Can l do nothing to help
your
'I wish,' she said. that you would 70
away. / am not fit to see anyone
"'I am sorry, madame persisted that
can be of SO little service. Can I do
nothing for your poor husband, the gen.
tleman whose head I see in your lapT
"'Oh,' said she, that is not my husband,
1 do not know in the least who he H. -
Boston Herald.
The herald., 1897-09-24
M'K1N1EY ENDORSES THE DEAL

A special to the Chicago Tribune from
Washington, which appears elsewhere
in today's paper, says that President
Mckinley has agreed to the sale of the
Union Pacific system upon the plan pro-
posed by the reorganization commit
tee, and by which the government will
lose something like $25,000,0O0.
The figures showing the manner in
which the government would lose this
vast sum have been printed several
times, and they are set forth very plainly
in the news columns today. The reorgan-
ization committee will wipe out debt
of $53. 900, 900 by paying the government
$2S, 900, 900. That Is all the committee
will have to pay. Then it will reorgan-
ize the system with a capitalization of
$236, 900 900. There is f1nanciering for
you.
1t would be amusing if it were not so
exasperating to read the reasons set
forth in favor of accepting the offer of
the reorganization committee. An even
ing contemporary says that while the
loss of S25, ,00O, 900 is to be regretted, it
was simply a poor investment, which
is not very rare thing among business
men. Furthermore. that the loss of the
sum will not ruin 75,0O0O 900 people, each
ones per capita share being only SO 1-3
cents. 1t is a new thing to excuse gov
ernment steal because it does not
amount to much per capita.
Let our evening contemporary apply
the same reasoning to the payment of
government bonds. Suppose that the
government, after postponing the pay
ment Of matured bonds for long time
should seek to avoid payment altogether
on the plea that the bondholders had al
ready received sufficient amount of
benefit from them. What fit Wall
street would have. And Wall street
would not go broke If it should lose the
value Of a few bonds, either. But such
reasoning is absurd either way.
In the hearing in 1896 before the United
States senate committee on Pacific rail-
TOduS, SldIh, lOI IHdLy YEARS
president of the Union Pacific system,
testified that he felt the government had
been paid in cheap transportation as
against what the transportation had
cost before the Union Pacific was con-
structed. There is another babyish
plea. Coils P. Huntington has the same
ideas with regard to the Central Pa
cific.
1t is greatly to be regretted that Presi-
dent Mckinley should lend his official
consent to such a gigantic steal. The
inference is inevitable that the big credi-
tors Of the Republican party have drawn
another sight draft upon the admins
tration and that it is to be honored.
The herald., 1897-09-24
LOS ANGELES HERALD. FRIDAY MORNING. SEPTEMBER H. 1897

government Is not in a frame Of mind
that affords large chances Of success for
kindly offer Of the nature outlined. 1t
would rather hold it TO be an Insult, II
the temper of the Spanish people is con-
suited. There is no doubt feeling in
Spain that the purpose Of the United
States in interfering is to get Cuba for
itself; but it should be remembered that
the game of grab has not been part Of
the American policy for long time.
There Is ground to hope that even II
the offer of the United States-provided
that such an offer has been made-is de-
clined by Spain, it will lead to other
amicable arrangements by which the
rights of the Cubans can be secured
them, putting an end to the barbarous
struggle that has been going on for two
years.
The herald., 1897-09-24
MY K1oND1KE GIRL

A mine of sweet delight is she,
never can displacer!
An aureate phantom to my sight
In fancy still I chase her;
Yet she eludes me like vein
In rocks securely hidden,
Tho golden dreams of her dear self
Forever rise unbidden.
"Those dreams are o'er!" I often cry
And seek thus to forget her;
But then, again, bless the day
The golden day I met her.
I was minor then; but now
My heart has grown much older;
All! In those callow days 1 found
Some quartz In every boulder
Twas then I thought had a claim
In her rich, fond affection;
Prospecting only brought to me
Discouraging detection!
My peace of mind found at stake.
My silence seemed to task her;
Twas then I sought my Klondike girl
With this one thought: 'I'll ask her!'
called her all endearing terms
My precious one, my nugget!
She had form-oh! such form,
And how 1 longed to hug 1t! =
My Klondike girl Is mine at last,
She wields the kitchen ladle, :,
While I, - any miner should,
Stay homo and rock the "cradlel"
New York Journal.
The herald., 1897-09-24

on the proposition, while If 1t aims to
take water plant on its hands either by
waiting for the determination of suits
now pending It may find itself in the
position Of a man with gun but with
out ammunition.
The council should make haste slowly.
The requirement Of a water plant Is
matter involving several millions Of dol
lars. and the contract rights of power
full corporation. The exercise of shrewd
business judgment and ordinary COM
mon sense alone can bring about
satisfactory and equitable final result.
The herald., 1897-09-24
CIVIL SERVICE FIREMEN

1t is pleasing to note that civil SER
vice rules prevail with the board Of fire
commissioners in determining promo
tions to regular service in the fire de-
partment The time is very nearly past
when in any large city the berth Of fire.
man can be obtained on the strength OF
a political pull, rather than by dint of
merit and efficiency. The latter evil
still prevails to certain extent. 1t will
be hard to eradicate it entirely. but the
better method has obtained strong and
increasing foothold-
Nor are brute courage and the ability
to pass physical examination the sole
requisites Of a modern fireman. Brains
count, as we'll as strength and courage
Other things being equal, the man who is
the most intelligent, who has the percep-
tive faculties and is equal to emergen-
cies, makes the best fireman.
A great deal of criticism, some Of it de-
served, has been directed against civil
service examinations. Many regard
them as pertaining to theory rather than
TO practice, with the additional charge
that they often fail to hit the theory.
That objection certainly cannot be
raised against the questions that the
conditional firemen in this city had to
struggle with last Wednesday. The list
was published in this paper, and those
who read it must readily admit that the
man who can give the correct answers
man than one who is ignorant of them.
The fire board is to be commended for
introducing the civil service plan within
their jurisdiction.
The herald., 1897-09-24
A PATENT OFFICE INCIDENT

The patent office official bowed politely
from his place at the desk as the visitor
In clothes Of clerical cut and a smooth
face greeted him with a subdued good
morning. SIR
Good morning." responded the Of
ficial, with cheerful, hundred-and-
fifty dollar month manner. "Is there
anything We can do for you this morn
ing, sir?'
II don't know, really, SIR" crooned the
caller softly. ITO know il you can is
the object of my visit this morning, sir"
VERY well, state your case, and If we
can do anything for you, you may rest
assured it will be done.'
The visitor cleared his throat pretty
much as If he were going to deliver a
sermon.
II think" he said, slowly, and with
hesitation, "if I mistake not, that saw
statement in one of the public prints
to the effect that this office would not is
sue patent on Sunday. Is that true,
sir?"
"Quite true. 1t does not"
why is that sir, If I may ask?"
ut is against the rules of the office Is
all I know"
"Will it issue one on any other day Of
the seven, sir?"
Certainly it will. That is what 1t Is
here for"
"Oh, than you, how NICE" twittered
the visitor, taking large madras hard
kerchief from his coat tail pocket,
shaking it out and wlping his brow with
it. THAT being the case, If you will be
kind enough to let me have one on Tues
day, sir, you will do me great personal
favor. You see, sir, Tuesday is my
birthday, and I want patent on it, so
no one can use 1t for birthday purposes,
sir, except myself" Even.ng Star.
The herald., 1897-09-24

The sheriff of Oneida county. New
York, has been getting rich fast by ar
resting tramps simply to pocket fee
and then making more money by board
ing them in Jail. 1t would seem that the
necessity for political reform Is not con-
fined to Greater New York city. Still,
the Oneida county sheriff can point with
pride to the fact that he has never shot
unarmed men in the back. Anew stand
ard has been established for the shriev-
atty.
The herald., 1897-09-24
A POOR RULE

There is slight lull in the wheat mar
ket but it is not significant. The worlds
shortage is an established fact, and 1t
is equally certain that there will be a
demand for every pound Of American
wheat at prices ranging about the dol
lar-a-bushel mark.-San Jose Mercury.
1t is a mighty poor rule that will not
work both ways. The Republican press
and the single gold standard papers gen.
orally asserted with loud voices and in
gieeful tones that the recent advance in
wheat was very significant. Now that
wheat has lost more than so per cent
of that advance the same papers meekly
declare that there is no significance in
the fall. Consistency is trait that in
the single gold standard press is most
conspicuous by reason of its absence.
The herald., 1897-09-24
"Where Summer Holds Full Sway
...Santa Catalina Islam
IN THE PUBLIC EYE

Olive Schreinder's health is causing
anxiety to her London friends.
Ernest Farworth Of Wolverton, Eng
land, is at the Auditorium, Chicago.
General Sir Bindon Blood, in COM
mand Of the British army on the north
western frontier, Is an Irishman, ,55 years
old.
Harriet Prescott spofford Is slowly
recovering from an illness Of four
months at her home on Deer isle, near
lNewburyport, Mass.
A statue Of Canovas Del Castillo,
Spain's murdered premier, Is to be
erected at Madrid, the authorities Of
| that city having unanimously decided
to thus honor his memory.
F. v. Woodhouse Of Albury, Surrey,
England, who is now 80 years Of age, is
the only survivor of the twelve apostles
chosen by Edward Irving when he or
ganized the Catholic Apostolic church.
Lese majeste has sent young engi-
neer Of Liegnitz, In Silesia, to Jail for
six months. He expressed his opinion
of Kaiser Wilhelm at the dinner table,
and his loyal mother-in-law at once de-
nounced him to the police.
| A young doctor. Robert Wurtz, pro-
fessor at the Paris School OF Medicine,
| has been chosen as one of the leading
French bacteriologists for mission In
Abyssinia. He is to start for Jibutil and
go on direct to Ads Adeba, where, after
having organized a department Of vac
cination, he will study the rinderpest and
similar infectious maladies.
| Although President Faure's life has
several times been attempted, and 10
known to be threatened at the present
moment by the anarchists, yet he de-
clined to permit any members Of the
French police or Partisan detective force
| to accompany him to st. Petersburg, de-
| claring that it would constitute slur
cast upon the hospitality of the czar and
| of the Muscovite nation.
| Captain Lucian M. Clemons, who re-
Gently retired as keeper of the life-sav-
ing station at Marblehead Point, O., on
Lake Erie, and his two brothers were the
first persons to receive the life-saving
medal of the first class awarded by the
United States. The brothers displayed
heroic bravery In rescuing two sailors
from the schooner Consuelo, which was
wrecked near Marblehead on April so.
| 1875. The action of the brothers was
brought to the attention of the govern
ment and on June 30, 1875. they received
recognition under the act of congress
approved on June 30, 1874. The captain
is still hale and hearty.
/ A dispatch from London announces
the safe arrival of the steamer Avon
dale of the British South African line
in Cape Town, South Africa. On board
this steamer, which sailed from London
about one month ago, were three women
graduates of Cornell university, who
have been secured as teachers in the
Huguenot college at Wellington. They
were Miss Bertha Stoneman, in the
classics, and Miss Veeder, in mathe-
matics. The Huguenot college is for the
education of the daughters Of the Eng
lish and French and Dutch Huguenot
residents Of South Africa.
The herald., 1897-09-24
MERELY A SUGGESTION

1t now appears that Mir'ister Wood
ford has not been delivered of an ulti-
matum, after all. 1t was merely a
suggestion, friendly offer. that he car
ried across the ocean in the depths
Of his bosom and deposited carefully
in the waiting ears of the duke of Te-
tuan. In brief, it is corjectured--
merely conjectured, however-that the
United States has intimated that the
present state OF affairs in Cuba is truly
deplorable; that if this country can be Of
any assistance in bringing such con-
0.t:on to an eL'i We should be glad to Of
fer our services.
Such a message is very different from
an ultimatum. as those things are de-
fined In International diplomacy. It is
to h feared. however. that the Spanish
The herald., 1897-09-24
CALIFORNIA OPINION
When a Mans Old

The Presbyterian ministers discussed
yesterday the question whether cler-
gyman is superannuated when he is
so years old They did not express 1t in
exactly those words, but that was the
meaning of it. 1t was generally agreed
by those who contributed 10 the discus
sion that the biggest charges are run by
men who are over so, and that at that
period a clergyman ought to be in the
full career of usefulness.-Oaklan En-
uuirer.
The herald., 1897-09-24
How to Sell Fruit

The rumor is out that while buyers
were bidding for lot of dried fruit and
only offering AZ cents, the proprietor
opened a keg of wine, anc in a few
minutes one buyer offered cents, and
after a few more drinks the entire lot
was sold for cents. Evidently wine is
a good thing-for the man who has fruit
to sell, if he let's the others do the drink
ing But we decline to state whether
this happened in Riverside or Redlands
San Bernardino Sun.
The herald., 1897-09-24
Mayor Edwards. editor of the Fargo

Mayor Edwards. editor of the Fargo,
N. D., Forum, drops into poetry thus:
o, do not weep above my grave
When / am laid away;
But, II you love me, let me have
Your sympathy today.
The major is good man weighing $50
pounds, but he shall have enough of our
sympathy to go round If We have to
step out and borrow some.
The herald., 1897-09-24
The Coming Industry

There is no reason why every acre Of
available and adaptable land in South
ern California in Central California and
in Northern California should not be
planted in sugar beets within the next
few years. That sugar beet culture Is
the coming industry, and promises
splendid and continuous profits for the
grower there seems to be no doubt
Bee,
The herald., 1897-09-24
Looking Backward

"You must feel very happy in this
lovely cottage you call your own?"
How can when think of my family
that owned an estate of thousands of
acres, with castle and a whole regi-
ment of servants?"
"Why, when did they lose it?"
During the. eleventh century,
Brooklyn Life.
The herald., 1897-09-24

1t was Alfred Henry Lewis, the New
York Journal correspondent who said
last spring that the administration
would not do anything in the Cuban
matter until just before the fall cleo
tions. He hit 1t off about right.
The herald., 1897-09-24
Few and Far Between

It would be good thing If the Cali
fornia legislature should meet not often
er than once in five years. Possibly more
desirable still would be one session in
ten years. Any unexpected and i'm
perative demand for legislation that
might arise could be met by extraordin-
ary ssss;on.-Eureka Californian.
The herald., 1897-09-24

commodations and is rejoicing greatly.
1t would be impossible to thoroughly
Americanize thepolygot population of the
metropolis without the public schools,
but for years the accommodations have
been sorely inadequate.
The herald., 1897-09-24

The New York Evening Post tells Of
a California sheriff who refused to arrest
some highwaymen saying "the darned
fellers they robbed should catch EN-
A suit for libel is I'M order unless that
particular sheriff will own up.
The herald., 1897-09-24

Garlock row claims to be the original
location Of the Garden of Eden, because
a fg-leaf eighteen. inches long was found
embedded in a lump of coal from one of
the mines there. Judging from the
summer heat there claim might also
be set up for hades.
The herald., 1897-09-24

The Salvation army ought to receive
substantial assistance in its efforts to
establish a home Of refuge for fallen
women. The army Is doing splendid
work and its expenses are proportion
ately as small as the sacrifices Of its
members are large.
The herald., 1897-09-24
Soldering Metals at Home

Metals may be soldered at home. Cut Off
a piece of tinfoil the size of the surface
to be soldered, dip feather In solution
Of sal ammoniac and wet the surfaces to
be Joined; then place them in the correct
position, with the tin foil between them.
Place this on an iron hot enough to melt
the tinfoil and when 1t cools again the
edges will be found to be firmly united.
The herald., 1897-09-24
ANY Harbor Dreamsp

About week ago a Santa Monican
dreamed Of reading in the newspapers
that McCamish had been found guilty of
the murder of Pyle. Sure enough, on
Saturday the jury did find him guilty
Santa Monica Signal
The herald., 1897-09-24

Cuba is Mendez Capote, soldier and an
experienced, lawyer as we'll. He used to
be a professor in the university in Ha-
vana but left that lucrative position to
become rebel.
The herald., 1897-09-24

Those ill-tempered towns, st. Paul and
Minneapolis, are quarreling over the
marble to be used in the new state capi-
tai building.
II dreamt that I dwelt In marble halls,
same"
Is not sung any more in the Twin Cities.
The herald., 1897-09-24
Found He Was Right

Last night" said Mr.. Booze, II think
1 made remark to the effect that had
one of the greatest heads in the ward"
Something of that sort" said his wife.
"Well this morning feel fully pre-
pared to say that I was right. ."-Cincin-
natl Enquirer
The herald., 1897-09-24
Why Little Willie Wept

visltor-What are you crying about.
my little man?
Little Willie-All my brothers hez got
a holiday, and I hain't got none.
Visitor-Why that's too bad! How Is
that?
Little Willie (between sobs)-I-don't
go-to school yet!-Collier's Weekly.
The herald., 1897-09-24

If the customs duties remain at their
will have to hire somebody to import
goods enough to make a showing and
pay expenses
The herald., 1897-09-24

There are comparatively few deaths
from the yellow fever epidemic in the
south. Either the plague is less deadly
than usual, or the physicians are better
equipped to cope with it.
The herald., 1897-09-24

Emperor William thinks he has formed
an alliance with the Almighty, but he
can't produce treaty to that effect
The herald., 1897-09-24
A Lesson in It

There is lesson in the sudden fall in
Spring Valley stock following imme-
diately on the removal OF the old board
of supervisors in San Francisco
Bakersfield Californian.
The herald., 1897-09-24
Diagnosis All Wrong

"Your husband seems to be a pretty
easy going sort, eh?"
Don't you believe nothin of the kind.
1t Is the hardest work in the world to
start him goin' at all!"-Cincinnat En-
Uuirer,
The herald., 1897-09-24

The Milwaukee Wisconsin wants the
pumpkin show business kept out Of poll
tics. They must have it very bad back
in Wirconsin. Does it hurt?
The herald., 1897-09-24

An Australian dropped into Minneap-
oils the other day who had never heard
of that city before. He had heard Of St.
Paul because he had read about it in the
Bible.
The herald., 1897-09-24

Silver IL going UP and the man who
was born with silver spoon in his
mouth is again hoping that he will be
able to realize on it.
The herald., 1897-09-24
Not Particular

Los Angeles is not bit particular
about whom she sends to state prison
A man of the cloth Is the latest.-Santa
Monica Outlook.
The herald., 1897-09-24

President Barrios Of Guatemala has
succeeded in forming new cabinet. but
does not guarantee It to be revolution
proof.
The herald., 1897-09-24
Much Expected of Science

A Brooklyn man has bene cured of a
broken neck. This wonder gives hopes
that science may yet find way to reduce
a swelled head to normal proportions
Baltimore American.
The herald., 1897-09-24

The people of New York City have had
taste Of reform government, and If
they don't like 1t the fault is their own.
The herald., 1897-09-24
wonderful Elasticity of Glass

Glass is the most elastic substance in
existence. A glass plate kept under
pressure in bent condition for twenty
five years will return to its exact orig
inal form, Steel comes next.
The herald., 1897-09-24
Don't Believe It

Statistics show that among women Of
all classes drunkenness is increasing
rapidly.-Oakland Tribune.
The herald., 1897-09-24

The Chicago Times Herald wants
President Andrews to change his mind
again. It is too late. Try Horace Boies.
The herald., 1897-09-24
A Good Cartoon

Sundays Herald had . good boulevard
cartoons Star.
The herald., 1897-09-24
Los ANGELES DAILY HERALD
SWORN STATEMENT CIRCULATION.

state of California. County Of Los Ange-
les.-se.
L. NJ. Holt superintendent Of circulation
Of the Los Angeles Daily Herald. being
first duly sworn, deposes and says: Tnat
for the five months from February l. 1884,
tc June 30, 1897 (inclusive). the total circu-
lation Of the said Daily Herald was ], 1,2so.6S
copies being an average daily circulation
of seOA
That the weekday circulation during the
above time was 1,o71, 1857. being daily aver.
age of S3O6 copies
That the Sunday circulation during the
above time was 21s,o5s being an average fci
each Sunday Of 1O;431.
Superintendent Of Circulation.
Subscribed and sworn to before me this
18th day of July. 1897.
FRANK ]. COOPER.
Notary Public in and for the County OF Los
Angeles. State Of California.
The herald., 1897-09-24

New York City has nearly caught up
with the demand for public school Sc