The Seattle post-intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Terr. [Wash.]) 1888-1914, 1897-03-09
THE MATTER WITH KANSAS


Kan. Gazette. n Response 70 the toast.
What's the Matter With Kansas II
Is hare given IN full:
There 10 q song which some OF you
may have heard. which begins:
o. g0sasoes they grow small. cut in
And shsy eat them tops and all. cut in
ka1sa2'
There are e s.znzas 70 this ballad. and
the burden Of tire song - that Kansas IS
about ths sSi degree IN the lodge OF the
Royal Arch Demon, and Iha. man. az
ter going through ths whole sizzling IL
ferno. - seat 20 Kansas 20 get homeslc&
for hades- That song contains several
important errors IN the first place. We
do not eat them tops and all, out IN Kan
s2se We eat them mashed. with chicken
gravy and fried with ham gravy. just as
you do here IN Ohio. In the second place
we do not have 20 III our wells wiki rock
20 keep them from blowing away: nor do
We trim the claws Of The Kansas catfish
10 prevent them from scratching the bark
or the trees In cry weather. Neishsr do
we send our abstract % Missouri. so that
the grssshoppers viii not destroy the title
10 the land. These are popular decisions
which hurt Kansas. And Of late a new
oelnsion has spread through the country
TO tns effect that the Pooulists are of
the reservation killing psalo-crass cut Of
things being prevalent belief. make The
street car horses laugh till their sides
hGTt when they see man from kansas.
This is unfair. Kansas = . little queer
At times; bit 50 is Indiana and Illinois,
for that matter. But just because four
or I'VE Kansas scngressmen have the
lam2y jaw you should not Infer that We
grow tails and run Wild with the buffalo.
When Mr.. Altgsld, OF Illinois. began 20
see things and talk 10 himself, you gen.
flemen didn't bellows that the citizens OK
Chicago ali walked backwards 10 keep
their trousers from oagging at the knees.
because Iglatius Donne.ly scrambled his
brains with the wheels IN his head, no
one ever thought Of putting Minnesota in
the violent ward. Because Jones, OF Ar
kansa1-hold ont II hasn't got SO far
yet that Kansas man has TO defend Ar
kansaw IN order 10 stand up for KANSAS
We viii have 70 draw the line some
whore, and Arkansaw Is q good place %
begin.
Il have been invited hsrs to tell you
what Is the matter with Kansas. and l
have come nearly thousand miles in the
middle OF winter TO say that there Is ao-
solutely nothing the matter with Kansas.
There has been something the matter
with Kansas good deal the matter
with Kansas. The devil has been to pay
out Ia Kansas, but ne has been paid in
l00-cent dollars. And that account seems
10 DO closed The best way 10 explain TO
you what has been the matter with Kan
sas IL TO recall story OF Uncle Chester
Thomas. who used TO be the boss in To-
peka politics. The old man was rarely
disturbed. but one time. when the re-
formers gave him the fight OF his life in
Topeka he lost his head. That was the
campaign in which the old man told his
cohorts 10 'Chur fer EN-. boys. chur fer
EN-. but vote agin EN- IL was election
day, and the old man had been quietly
circulating around the polls. distributing
rewards OF merit, and increasing the per
capita, when he suddenly turned and
rushed back to his Office where his friends
were gathered. and painted despairingly:
Boys, boys. for heavens sake send some
one down to the Fourth ward; them idiots
there have been for three hours voting
just as they damn please.
That's principally WHAT'S the matter
with Kansas. We haven't been able un-
I'll last fall TO vote as we pleased-as We
damn please, IL you prefer the Latin.
For six or seven years Kansas has been
under the spell Of the demagogues. From
1850 20 1894 all parties We'd with one an
other In putting tommy-rot into their plat
forms You gentlemen here in Ohio have
doubtless noticed with CONSERVATION what
faoS. what foolisms, what rank nonsense
HAYS passed current for Repubicanism
at one time or another out In Kansas.
When Jerry Simpson ran for congress the
first time the Republicans In his district
stole his platform bodily, and then abb
solved the republican nominee from ths
duty of abiding by the house caucus. The
p, pie &C lat vote as they pleased. They
had TO choose the less violent of two luna
ties. For years crowd OF fellows domi-
mated the Re 1blican party in Kansas.
whose motto was. 'Molasses catches more
flies than vinegar As result the state
platform was moro like a fly trap than a
declaration OF Republican principles.
These gentlemen saw that Kansas was
built on the installment plan, to be paid
for in small monthly payments. They
preached a bogus way out Of debt. because
they believed that IL was q sure way into
Office They used TO tip-toe around the
delegates AT conventions. telling them
what was the smooth thing to put In the
platform These political economists OF
the soft soap school would stand proudly
on platform recommending rooashine
es a legal tender. indorsing estrology, de-
elaring for blue glass and the barefoot
cure, pledging the party to vegetarianisrn,
ard whoop!ng il UP for the free and IN
limited coinage OF fap-doodle. Think %
what Kansas escaped with these ghost
dancers leading the conservative party for
half dozen years. The wonder 10 not
that the state went for Bryan. but that Il
ala not go Tor the Rev. III HICKS ana
George Francis Train.
when the national Republican party
last fan demanded honor and courage
from It's men. this smooth thing gang
IN Kansas organized itself into phalars
that came tumhling head over heels into
the Populist party. They left Kansas 70
vote rs she pleased. And when the peO-
PIE were sure that these aim-fsm-sars
fellows we're gone. they cast the largest
Republican vote ever poiled since the caya
when Kansas was ths banner Republican
state OF the Union. That Kansas II
creased her Republican vote after the six
years course IN Mysteries indicates a
courage. Cd intelligence and an integrity
among the people that should command
your respectful admiration From horse
pay 10 few thousand votes short ot
horse sense Is a long jump. but Kansas
made It.
Tire people were SO glad 10 getn chance
TO vote as they pleased. 20 fsce an hon
est issue sQuarsly. 10 see the shiny Cd
barnaclss scrapeG or the Republican ship.
they were 50 glad 70 fin6 party above is
politicians. that they pied up Repubsl-
can vote whlch was Debated b. a narrow
margin only BY the triple Alliance OF greed.
anarchy and cole They can't heat us
again, for money. marbles or chalk
That - why ! came 50 far 70 tell you
that Kansas Is al rlght. Don't worry
about the Kansas man. II ne happens TO
Re a Populfst he Is no worse fhan me
Ohio Popu.ist. When you wake up IN
TIRE silent watches Of the night and begin
70 fret over tbs moral decay OF tho no
- Kansas men who lined Up wtrh NT.
Bryan. turn over and go 70 sleep resting
IN the sweet assurance that there we're
SIs NO ruen IL Ohio who Gid The same