davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18
Was Taking No Chances.

Dark had just settled over thu
OZarks when the writer rode up to {
shanty and dismounting, raped or
the door. n woman soon made hel
appearance, and in a harsh voice
asked what was wanted.
Can | get lodging for the night,
ma'am 2"
Who be you?"
A traveller on his way to Jones,
ville."
All alone?"
eyes"
Ride up leetle clusser and
femme see what sort of a lOokin'
critter yo are. Might be better and
might be wuSs. Ar ye a married
man 2"
"Yes'm."
"That settles it.. Stranger, don't
thir.k kin take ye in"
Is your husband away ."
"pm widder with three chill
dren, sir. It's five miles to the next
Shanty, an it's dark night an go
ing to rain purity soon, but woman
has got to look out fer herself out
yere."
Why, ma'am, | hope you are not
afraid of me !" | protested.
Not in the least mite, stranger :;
nor of any other human critter on
legs This ar the situashun. jim
Conover has been sparkin' me fur
three months. This is one of his
nights fur comm. He may pop an
he NAV not hut jf ha fine a 90 otronror
in the house he may marry the Wild
der Jones. Pm a-doin' my best to
git him, and l don't want no acci-
dent to happen"
Couldn't you stow me away in
the garret ?"
Hain't got no garret, sir"
"Only two rooms in the house ?n
"Thats all. Even if We was
asleep ye might git to snorin', and
Jim would be skeered off. Ye kin
see the fix, stranger p"
Yes, and ! will ride on. |
want to come between
you and your chance"
"That's good of you, sir. | want
to show hospitality, and yit 1 want
to git another husband. See !"
- do. Give me light for my
pipe and / will go on, and if meet
Jim Pill
Jest say that yo' stopped at the
Widder Jenner's to ask th' way, and
that yo wonder why forty men amt
crazy to marry her. That's it-yo'
know yer gait, an now scOot before
Jim shows upH"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

BoB-How do you stand in 30 we'll
with your employer, Tom? You
never laugh at his jokes.
Tom-No; but l dine at the same
restaurant, and, pretending not to
see him, retail all his stories, say
ing, loudly, can't tell it as we'll as
he can, hut here's rattling good
yarn Mr.. d. told US this morning.
Tye been promoted three times this
wear.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

MIR. MALAPROP AGAIN." once
had a noble hearted neighbor,"
writes Harper's Dra,Cer reader,
whose excellence was shown rather
in his deeds than by his words, IA
the following incidents will prove:
He had been exceedingly kind to n
poor man who for long time suf-
fered from disease that baffled the
skill of the physicians. To the last
he ministered to the sufferers neces-
stiles, and after his death secured the
ablest of the profession to make an
autopsy. In telling me of it he said :
You see, | thought it might be of
service to other people, and 50 l got
the doctors to hold a post-mOrtifca-
ton on him."
The same good man was a trustee
in the church. A few weeks after
the death of the pastor he proposed
to the Board that I'VE erect q tableau
(tablet) to the memory of the late
DIR. c., exposing to the people whom
he has served his prominent traits in
braSs.'"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

CUsToMER-You are putting up
prescriptions as usual, are you not ?
Druggist Oh, yes, sir !
Customer-Then I'll have to 90
elsewhere; the last one l got here
was put up too high to suit my idea
Of economy.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

UNCLE JAKE-Well, Freddy, have
you made up your mind what you
are going to be when you get to be a
man?
Freddy-Yes, Uncle Jake; I'm
going to be Senator.
Uncle Jake-Then, of course, you
are going to study real hard to fit
yourself for that high Office?
Freddy-No, l amt, either Pve
just started a savings bank.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

81 UNDERSTAND, Rastus, that
your daughter is quite singer ?"
"Deyn't no doubt erbout dat,
boss"
That's lucky; l suppose you
will have no difficulty in getting her
a position in one of the church choirs
in town?
"She tried dat, boss, but it didn't
wu'k. Eb'y time she done open her
mouf, 1t made sich draf i'm de syna-
gogue dat de cong'gatson cotch coP +,
sab, an she halter resign"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18
@SsOs4S-

MRS. PARTINGToN, in illustra-
tion of the proverb, " A soft answer
turneth away WRATH" says, at is
better to speak paragorically of a
person than than to he all the time
flinging epitaphs."
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

A MAINE man who has studied
church fairs pretty carefully thus
defines them: "A church fair is a
place where we spend more money
than we can afford for things we do
not want, In order to please people
whom we do not like, and to help
the heathens, who are happier than
we areO
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

A DETROIT tailor was the other
day measuring lathy-legged young
man from the clover districts for q
pair of trousers, and getting down
to the chaps feet, the tailor inquired:
" Will you have spring, bottoms ?"
WALL" replied the stranger, after
a moment of anxious thought, tits
purity late in the year for spring bot
toms, and l guess you may put on
fall-bottoms, and clinch 'em extra
for winter -
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

The common belief that fine white
bread contains less nutriment than
coarse brown bread is a mistake. So
says M. Girard, the eminent Partisan
chemist.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

FLAsHER-There goes DIR. Probe,
our most famous surgeon. He per-
performed the most remarkable feat
of his career yesterday.
What was that p
Got soup spoon out Of a PATIENTS
throat, l suppose?
Flasher-More remarkable than
that-he got hundred dollars out
of old Shylock across the way.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

MRS. KIRTLAND.-And why do
you think, Mr.. Dunley, that the
world Is better now and more beauti-
full than it was thirty-tive years ago ?
Mr.. Dunley (who is after her
sweet OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES
you were not in Ii then.
Papa Kirtland's objections to the
young man have been oVerridden.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

LET THE BABIES SLEEP.-There
are many, says Good HOusekeeping,
who will agre with Miss Banfield of
the Babies Hospital, New York
City, who declares that half the all
ments of children in the metropolis
arise from insufficient sleep. She
recognizes that the same difficulty
exists in the case of adults, and in a
recent conversation upon the sub
ject, says:
at is not only the children, but
the adults in New York that are
falling into nervous insanity from
this cause. They live too fast, and
it affcts people of all ages. st. vi
tus's dance, which is one of the
most wearing of diseases, is the con-
sequence of lack of sleep, although
1t is often wrongly ascribed to the
lack OF proper nourishment. Chill
dren live in such rush in New York
City that they are worn out before
they arrive at maturity"
What would you do to remedy
this state of things 2"
81 would keep them in bed, and
give them plenty of sleep and ton
les. / would make the youngsters
go to bed with the chickens, and get
up with them. In addition, would
see that they got two hours nap in
the afternoon. Plenty of sleep is
the panacea for most of the ills OF
childhood, particularly those of q
nervous nature.n
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

MONEY IN TURTLES" What
kind of fish do you find most remu-
nerative?" was asked of the owner
of stall in California market.
Him." was the reply, as he
jerked his thumb in the direction of
monster green turtle that lay on
his back blinking at the ceiling.
DO you sell many of them?"
Never sold one of them yet"
"Then how do you make money
out of them ?''
rent him."
But he can't be used dozen of
times like church fair oyster"
Yes, he can. just rent him to
the restaurants when they have tur-
tie soups or green turtle steaks on
the bill of fare. The restaurant man
ties him upside down with a sign on
him, Turtle soup to-day Then
next day some other restaurant rents
him, and SO on the week round. |
get nifty cents IA day for him as a
drawing card. That's three dollars
and half week that have make
out of him regularly for eight months
say, one hundred and twenty dol
lars in round figures. 1t doesn't cost
anything to feed him, and l guess
he will live longer than l will. |
wish L had routes for about ten more
turtles.n
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

"WHY do you punch that hole in
my ticket ?" asked little man of a
railway conductor. $50 that you
can pass through" was the reply.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

LEARN in childhood, ifyou can, that
happiness is not outside, but inside.
A good heart and clear conscience
bring happiness, which no riches and
no circumstances alone ever do.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

BLAME not others for your disap-
pointments till you have sought for
the blame within yourself.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

"MoNEY am often like some
days." says Brother Watkins--"dew
in de mawnin' and mist 1t night"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

AN English paper reports the dis
covery of a real Mrs. Partington.-
She walked into the office of the
judge of probate, and inquired, care
you the judge of reprobates ?" 81
am the judge of probate" was the
reply. Well, that's it, expect"
quoth the lady. " You see, my hus-
band died detested, and left me sew
eral little intidels; and l wanted to
be appointed their eXecutioner
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18
Fun Among the congressman.

Young Mr. Crisp is q general favor.
ite among the Democratic members
of the House, and room is always
made for him whenever a little CO.
terie of congenial spirits are gath
cred about the open fireplace in the
Democratic cloak room. The old
friendship that existed between
Judge Culberson and Judge Crisp
has been continued with the latter's
son. And that is why the younger
man can make mild jokes at the ex-
pense of his old friend without Civ
ing offense.
judge" said Mr.. Crisp, as the
Texas statesman came into the cloak
room one morning recently, we
want you to settle little dispute for
u.s."
The Judge was all attention in a
moment.
" May a man in Texas marry his
deceased Widows sister. ?"
Certainly he may" averred the
Texas member of the judiciary COM
mittee, without a moments hesita-
ton. at is only over in England
that they raise any question about
that"
But, Judge" persisted the young
Georgian, "stop and think minute.
How can a man marry his widows
sister ?''
And even if the Judge had desired
to make an explanation it could not
have been heard for the laughter
that followed.
1t was while the Judge was still
very much illustrated at the forego-
ing, although the crowd had resumed
their sober faces, that his tormentor
began again;
" have always heard, Judge, that
you were an authority in Biblical
matters. Now my friend from Mis-
souri, here, and l were arguing
point in Bible genealogy, perhaps
you can settle it for US. Who was
the father of Zebedee's children ?"
This time the Judge looked with
suspicion upon the twinkling eyes
that encircled him, and declined to
commit himself.
" Well, [ was always told that
Lebedee was the man." said Mr..
Crisp.
This time Judge Culberson really
looked panied, and he turned and
walked away as if in deep thought.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18
MISCELLANEOUS.
The Bath Tragedy.

a BLOODY CHAPTER IN BATH COUN-
TVS HISTORY, TAKEN FROM
TIE PAPERS OF TIE REV.
SAMUEL. HINEIE.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

DOCTOR" Just place this ther-
mometer under your tongue, Mrs.
Peque, and keep your lips closed
tightly"
Mr.. Henry Peque latter few
minutes of speeches. delight)--
" What will you take for that In.
strument, Doc ?"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

"CHEER UP" said the preacher of
the Crossroads circuit, "your loss
is his gain" "But he didn't gain
a bit," replied one of the mourners;
" he commenced ter lose the fust day
he TUX sick, an KEEP on a-losin' ter
the last" 81 But he died in faith,
didn't he ?" "No, sir-in the bed"
" / mean," explained the preacher,
" that he died in triumph" "Well,
he mout a died thar eff he had a
been thar, but he warn't thar, he
died in Jimville-right whar you'se
a-Standin'W
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

"YOU would never think, to look
at me-" remarked Father Caring,
the Woodland prelate, as he slapped
the front Of his vest and surveyed
his expansive girth, "that 1 was
once an athlete. Yes, sir; it is a
fact. l once performed feat that
could hardly be duplicated. 1t was
in Virginia city during the bonanza
days. A couple of men were en-
gagged in duel with revolvers on
the main street in front of the ex-
press Office. l was in the office. At
the first shot broken glass fell all
around me. | saw the express agent
dodge behind a safe, and thought
that would be about the best place
for me but | had to climb over a
partition nine feet high to reach the
safe. l got there, but will never
know how. l tried to climb that
partition again when the shooting
was over, and couldn'nt jump high
enough to grasp the top of it with
my hands"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18
NUMBER 80.

WOULD really like to employ
your son, Jasper, Notwithstanding
that impeachment in his speech, if l
could be assured that he doesn't
swear; am determined not to give
employment to any one that swears."
Why, sab, yo' JUS done glib him
dc 'shuance wat yo' AK, sab. Dat
wat yo' 'fers to as pedimus or de
boys speech am nuthin' mo- dan a
sorter coshun ergin sw'arin', sab.
He so keerful erbout usin' bad w'uds
dat if his min ham him one dat
dey's any doubts erbout, he sho' ter
tas'e it an sample it on dc twang
befo' he ju'k it out de mouf. Oh,
yassir! He mighty car'ful in lie
marter or SWARM, sah."
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

THE more light admitted to apart
ments the better for those who oc-
cupy them. Light is as necessary to
sound health as it is to vegetable
life. Exclude it from plants, and
the consequences are DISASTROUS
They cannot be perfected without
its vivifying influence. 1t is a fear
ful mistake to curtain and blind
windows so closely for fear Of injur-
ing the furniture by exposure to the
suns rays, that rooms positively
gather elements in darkness which
engender disease. Let in the light
often, and fresh air, too, or suffer
the penalty of aches and pains and
long doctors bills which might have
been avoided.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-02-18

"YEs, I know these bills are all
overdue" said Mr.. Calamityhowl,
sadly and confidentially, to collec-
tor, but | cannot liquidate,. You
see me in the business swim, but
everything in which have invested
seems to have taken a drop; the
stock of our company is watered to
the last limit, and even if It keeps
afioat ! am liable to be squeezed out.
Although have endeavored to stop
every leak, every cent had laid by
for rainy day had become absorbed
until am that near swamped that l
had to soak some personal property
to keep my head above the water
You may think these idle vaporings,
but tell you, business looks mighty
cloudy, and while am sorry to cast
a damper on your hopes, still"
But the collector had raised an
umbrella and fled from the drip.
The St. Johns herald., 1897-02-20
LuxurY of Bankruptcy.

"Why don't you go into bankruptcy?" asked Judge Emden of the Lambeth county court, when MT. Casswell, a sausage manufacturer of Camberwell, candidly admitted that he could not pay his debts except by small installments.
 1T am a poor man and can't afford 1t, '
 replied the latter, who seemed to regard his honor's question as tantamount to asking a man with only twopence ill his pocket why he did not treat himself to turtle soup and milk punch. Such lux pries as bankrrrtey arc not meant for the poor and he sighed as ho added, ''You can't become bankrupt unless you have money" <'Ah. yes, replied his honor, quite true! 4 man in your po- sition cannot indulge iH the luxury of bankruptcy. 50 the unfortunate san gago maker ,,t.s oIutIGt, ,O pay up aI the rate of 10 shillings per month or go to jail for II days. s.-London Telegraph
The St. Johns herald., 1897-02-20
New York Publlo Lihrarles.

The facts which The Book Buyer pre-, sents relating to the circulation of books
 " Iu.'- .'-y .-.----.. .. --.. ,....--.... ing libraries cannot be questioned Scsn, as Is the aggregate number of books tak- eu, when compared with the pOpula- tion, 1t is nevertheless satisfactory to learn that there are some few free libra ries which can show that, as to readers, they have more. The following is from The Book Buyers article:
 How wOefully New York is behind other cities of the country in bringing books within reach of the masses is seen from comparison of the free circulat- ing library systems, Last year, for ex- ample, there was a circulation in New York of something over l ,000, 000 vol tunes by libraries that received total appropriation from the city of S65, 900. Ill the same year the Boston Public library circulated $50, 900 volumes and received $175, 900 from the city, the Chicago Public library circulated 1, 150,- 900 volumes (the passion fer reading being more general even than in Bos- toni and received SPA, ,000, the Cleve- land Public library circulated 595, coo volumes and received $60, ,000, and the St. Louis Public library received the same amount for circulation of 331, 0O0
The St. Johns herald., 1897-02-20

There is one direction, as Dr. George F. Shrady, Americas first surgeon, distinctly says, in which people seem to need enlight- enment at present more than they have for many years past.
 This is the rational appreciation of the danger of quackery and fake cures
 Dr. Shrady's article in the New York World of Dec. z7th, should be read by every man and woman who is ever inclined to listen to the nonsensical, but too often plaus- ible, ramblings of traders in patent medi- cineS.
 When Prof. Edward E. Phelps, M. D. IL. D., of Dartmouth college, after a long life of study in the most recent scientific investi- gation of disease, evolves the marvellous formula of Paine's celery onpound-when after the closest possible observance by the best practitioners 1t is found that this great est remedy of our generation not only does all, but even accOmplisheS more than the modest doctOr-the giant among men that he has proved to be-mOre than he was willing at first to claim-when thousands of sufferers in every walk of life, sufferers from the ailments that come from over- work, deranged digestive organs, i'm paired nervous systems, too poor or too rich living, inattention to hygienIc laws, have been absolutely restored to health by Paine's celery compound, after vainly try
The St. Johns herald., 1897-02-20
from the Life Work of Americas s Greatest Physician, Investigator and Practitioner.
and Practitioner.

ing every other possible remedy, and being dosed by well-meaning but incompetent so-called physicins.
 When this is taken into consideration, and at the same time we find hosts of peo- pie still willing 10 be led astray by the hundred and one nOstrums which irrespon- sible traders try to foist upon them on the pretext that these preparations are ' as good as Paine'S celery comp3mi" but real ly because they make b g profit on such preparatiOns 1t is time for every one who detes'S fraud, to warn his neigbborS, and take the warning to himself, that when he goes to get bottle of Paines celery com pound he must not be wheedled into taking some other remedy.
 Paines celery compound makes people well. These other things work harm.
 Paine'S celery compound is not a patent medicine. It's formula is given freely to every physician.
 These trashy stuffS that you are asked to buy are made up of ingredients that should never be taken into sick stomach.
 These ordinary nervines. tonics and sar- saparillaS are no more t. be compared with Paine's celery compound than glimmer ing candle is to be compared with the wonderful modern search light.
 If a person needs a true nerve tonic, real blood purifier. reliable diuretic, that will restore strength, renew vitality. regu- late the kidneys, liver and bowels, and make one well, let that person try his or her first bottle of Paine'S celery compound and mark the wonderful result!
The St. Johns herald., 1897-02-20
Clocks in High Buildings.

There is one disadvantage about very tall buildings which is just now being noticed by the occupants. It involves some annoyance to those who have not made provision for 1t.
 The trouble is the stopping of pendu- lum clocks by the vibration of the buildings. Many pendulum clock that has kept accurate time for years in old fashioned low structures has refused to run at all when moved into some one Of the new tall steel-framed buildings in the lower part of the city. On the lower floors of the buildings the clocks run fairly well, but when higher up in The buildings they become more whin- sicaI and .u the top floors will not run si, ,tAl.
 MT. Dunn, of the weather bureau, has a fine pendulum clock in the tower of the Manhattan Life Building, which has not done an honest days work since the weather bureau was moved into the new offices. It has stopped so often that it is no longer to be relied upon. The pendulum swings continually, but only from the vibration of the building, as the clock has not been wound for weeks. The only relief is in replacing the pendulum clocks with others that have balance wheels.
The St. Johns herald., 1897-02-20
Delicious Snails of Provence.

The Provencal snails, which feed in a gourmet fashion upon vine leaves, are peculiarly delicious, and there was a murmur of delight from our company as the four women brought to the table four big dishes full of them, and for a while there was only the sound of eager munching mixed with the chatter on china of the empty shells To extract them we had the strong thorns. three or four inches long. of the wild acacia, and on these the little brown morsels were carried to the avid mouths and eaten with bit of bread sopped in the sauce, and then the shell was subjected to 8 vigorous sucking, that not drop of sauce lingering within it should be lost, Thomas A. Janyier ill Century,