Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-03-28
BEWARE OF DRINK !
THE rDLEn wEIRDLy SHOWS RE-
SUITS OF INTEMpERANcE.
"TAlLOR-KADE SUITS" FOR WOMEN.
The Dominant Sex Car Discuss No
thing Elsc--Rcd Noses, and How TO
subdue Their Ncrmiiion Tints-Two
Ways OF Drinking.

Proceeding on The theory Mat. though
ali whiskey is good, some brands are
better than others, / have heretofore I'm
bibed almost exclusively that Scotch ar
ticle AZ which some OF our Presbyterian
brothers make such faces. u is fluid
that causes you to feel as airy and as
feathery as a Shanghai rooster-a tuic.
in fact, that makes you mistake your
identity for that Of President Mckinley
or Cornelius Vanderbilt. After you have
forced about four fingers Of this liquid
into the aperture OF your physiognomy'
and then screwed up your features as II
YOU had just swallowed a Quinine pill
YOU realize that you only lack one thins
10 make you absolutely and unspeakaoiy
happy-to Wit, another four fingers. You
have vague ideas that you oughtnt 70
seek this absolute and unspeakable hap
piness. and you struggle TO keep the
aforesaid IDEAS vague. In short, You
discover frailties in your physical condl-
tion-most alarming symptoms-which
convince you beyond reasonable DOUBT
that the one thing-and the one thlng
nlone-that will save your life, Is aho'her
four fingers. Congratuating yourself on
being enough Of medicine man to ois-
pense with q physician. and 10 prescribe
for yourself. you reluctantly force the
second dose into its expectant depository,
at which YOU smack your lips. as II
throwing kisses of brotherly love 10 the
world I'm general. Then. with an eye TO
the future, you scoop up some co1ee-
grains. or possibly. you VIII De seen az
the gates OF the city with lemon-peei IN
vour fangs wherefore. dost thou con-
vert thy mouth into a grist-milt why
rnunchest thou on the lemon-peeiE Alas'
The best Of whiskey tells a tale that your
wife can hear at q range Of 400 yards!
When you approach your dcmicile you
neither feel as light and fe3thery as "a
Shanghai rooster, nor yet as colossal as
n Mckinley or q Vanderbilt on the con-
trary. you appear TO have undergone a
shrinkage. Maybe you hold your breath
or. rather you try to hold 1t; although
YOU feel all the time that It's running
away from you. A regret that "restau-
ranteurs' do not keep. spring onions
crosses your mind, and then you nope
the human talking apparatus Is out Visit
he assured; for on that day mountain
NJ remnants could not attract her. on
the contrary, she meets you at the door,
and for the first time in six years she
trims I'D 10 kiss You. You await the
fhunder-clap with fear and trembling,
and. if you had sense enough 10 nave
your wits about you would ALREADY
note the lurd glare in her eye. The
threatened kiss is only a part Of the
scenic effect 10 make her shock greater
when she utterly fails to note that YOU
have been chewing coffee ana eatS
lemon-peel She knew long ere this that
YOU have had your dose-nay, she knew
II when YOU were four blocks of. Just
before her mouth coaches you she SHES
SHES off as If you were a leper: backs
her ears. shows the whites in her eyes,
end looks whole papers of pins at you.
Cool shivers so through your system
like a stampede of porcupines, and the
suspense becomes unbearabe. You al
most beg her 10 say something-to eX-
coriate you, and 10 stamp you; but she
doesn't do IT, Not shei You are con-
demned 10 suffer that most abnormal
unnatural. weird, and horrifyng feature
of a woman's wrath-her silence. Back
she stalks into the house, bearing aloft
a nose that scrapeth Heavens cobwebs.
and is the beacOn-light CT internecine
warfare. At dinner you realize how
humble man can be; how deep into the
dust he can grovel, and DER the sacred
silvern forks you breathe q vow-a VOW
that binds you, come what physical all
ments may-never to touch another drop.
And YOU do not-leastwise, until your
wife takes the children to the country
But. 10! the scene changes. IT'S sum
mer, and Natures ornaments are bead'
OF perspiration. One can see the heat ris
ing from Mother Earth and feel il ever
on the ice pitcher. Thirst is the blsges
thing in the world. You suggest Juiep
timorously but enthusiastically The gool
lady does not hear; at least she appa
rently does not hear. Still more tlmor
ously and stil more enthusiastically yo'
reiterate the suggestion. Again she ut
terly fails TO hear. A third time yo'
echo the mystic word; wheroupon sh
mildly says. with a tone of immeasuraDl'
lnagnanimity: "Well. you might MAXI
one II you really want it," Rejoicing ina
YOU are living. and secretly imaginin'
your wife the finest woman on earth, yo'
hasten TO the back yard Unint is ia
digenous to every back yard ia Virginia
TO pluck the national flower. Then yos
crack the ice, OH so cheertully and SUI
thinking your wife the finest on earth
whereupon she generously gets you ta
sugar. The worthy conversational ma
chine believes she will" when you oiIe
her the tumbler. and as you smack you
lIps I'm life's sweetest anticipations SIT
shows you that her belief has ripene'
into a positive conviction. She, TOO
makes saces-long and llugcrngly-bu
finally she leaves you the mint and N
sugar at the bottom. Late that nlght yo'
wake up and you get 70 thinking. Nol
can't exactly see how eight myers
down town is so much worse than elsh
fingers at home. You feel that II IS
distinction without dinerence. ho'
also feel, however that even though yo'
may not see it. your wite's superior ID
teIect will grasp the difference. And yo'
are silent. Silence IS golden
This essay must not be Fpelt out loud D.
club infants. who. scornfui Of their swad
ding clothes, would fam skip childhoo
and leap 10 manhood through the me
dium OF straw and Julep. It's mean
for grown folk.
There Is. OF all earth's earthly things
nothing which makes man hate wcmai
SO cordially as her constant cackhng o.
the subject Of dress. OF course, we spur
her ~ she doesn't lock attractive-in tac'
we consider IL a prerogative OF ours Una
they should all look nice before us, pu
the ways and means are different thlns
IL clothes grew on the dominant sex Tx
feathers grow or a Dominicker hen W
would forgive the weakness, but eve
then I apprehend that the same Oh
trouble would be revived at every moult
ing season. AZ II is. however, eiothe
do not grow on them like feathers, no
docs a rooster suffer more when his tar
streamers are plucked than DO we Il
paying for feminine raiment. For m
part I could stand the tax on my ineom
coTTOLENE.