davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
HUMOR OF THE HOUR.

1t was evidently his first expericnc.
Oh u railroad train, ~aiid he was rs full
Of exuberance and excitement MS n small
hoy Oh circus day. He started to walk
down the aisle just MS the express struck
Il pretty sharp curve, aud the sudden
swervo carried him off his feet and
tumbled him into seat on top of a
Clergyman who had been trying to ell ,
joy cat nap between stations.
Tho rural traveller extricated himself
rs soon rs possible, and, without any
apology to the minister, began swearing
with II volubility which proved him an
expert i'll profanity. The clergyman
bore this for awhile in silence, and then
touching the farmers elbow quietly
said: "Stopl My friend, do you know
where you are going? If you don't, let
me tell you. You and your immortal
soul arc bound straight for perdition. "
"Well. said the farmer confidential
ly, do you know rather mistrusted
this blamed thing right from the start?
So bought round trip ticket. Chi
cago Times Herald.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02

duty not to pass over such matters in
silence, but to promote her daughter's
womanly health and regularity by every
reasonable means.
These delicate ailments are easily over
come in their early stages by judicious self
treatment without any need of the obnox-
ious examinations which doctors uniformly
insist upon. DR.. Pierce's Tavorite Prescrip-
ton is a positive specific for all diseases of
the feminine organism.
1t restores perfect health and regularity
to the special functions, and vital vigor to
the nerve-centres. 1t is the only medicine
of its kind devised for this one purpose by
an educated, experienced physician.
During nearly 80 years as chief consult
ing physician of the Invalids' Hotel and
Surgical Institute, of Buffalo, N. ", DR.
Pierce has acquired an cnviablc reputation.
His medicines are everywhere recognized
as standard remedies His Golden Med
ical Discovery" alternated with the "Fa.
voIite Prescription constitutes thorough,
and scientific course of treatment for weak
and impoverished conditions of the blood
headache is Il symptom of constipation
DR. Pierce's Pleasant Pellets cure constipa
ton, promptly and permanently. They dc
not grippe. Druggists sell them.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
For Rent.

4 room cottage, Bennett Springs,
cheap for the season.
ID room, Church avenue, with ali con-
venienoes, $50.
0roon, dwelling on Church avenue,
with all modern conveniences and very
dcsirably located, S25 per month.
7.room dwelling on Ninth avenue, near
Franklin road, with modern conveniences,
also stable; cheap ut S11.25.
Groom cottage, Rorer avenue. with
modern convanienccs and stable; 10 per
month.
d room cottage, Marshall avenue, new
ly papered; price, $3.50 per month.
4-room cottage, newly papered, in rear
OF Eighth avenue s. w, near Franklin
road; Sc Per month.
q room brick house, Seventh avenue N.
e.; price, So.
q room house, Marshall avenue. SO. rs.
store room OH Salem avenue, $50 per
month.
store room on Commerce street, 81
per month.
II you desire to rent good dwelling
see us before renting, as we can supply
your wants at once.
i. e. B. Hartsook & Co.
Market Square.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
When Gold Is Observation-Disclosures.

He had just bought one of the gold
making machines that resulted from
the patent issued for a goldmaking
process, and naturally he was provoked
that she should disturb him.
A new bonnet" she said, sis ne
cessity."
well" he returned irritably, II
have no objections. Go down into tho
cellar and churn out enough gold to pay
for it if you must have it, or you might
let Willie do it when he comes homo
from school tomorrow. Chicago Post.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
Born Tor O Brakeman.

Railroad superintendent = regret
that you are incapacitated for further
service, but accidents will happen, you
know. Do you know of good man for
your place?
Railroad Brakeman (who has only
his thumbs lefD-Yes, sir. know one
who would last you good deal longer
than did. You'll find him over at the
dime museum. He has 1G fingers. New
York Weekly.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
What It Ia.
cit seems terrible, he said.
HWhat doooos, cbo ,eI-1

cit seems terrible. Tho said.
what does?" che asked.
"This account by physician of the
way bicycling affected him.
What does he say?" she inquired.
He says" he explained, "that after
long ride he experienced par,esthesim
i'll the fourth and fifth fingers, with i'm.
paired sensibility and paresis in the in
terossei, lumbricales and the adductor
rolicis.'
Il don't see why it is" she returned
III her superior way, that man can't
say he had that tired feeling without
making so much fuss about it. Chi
cago Post.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
Enforced Silence.

"I'd like to tell that new man just
what l think of him." said the city ed
itor of sensational paper. "I'd like
to inform him to his face that he could
not tell tho truth if he tried
We'll, you're not afraid of him, are
you?'
"No. He's level headed fellow and
would stand it all right. But I'm afraid
1T would cause professional Jealousy
among the other reporters. Washing
ton Star.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
Laconic Criticism.

Mrs. Garrick. the wife of the famous
actor, would never admit that any ono
i'll the profession approached her hus-
band i'll ability save perhaps Kcan in
the part of Richard III.
One criticism of hers received unex-
pected confirmation. After seeing Kean
play Abel Drugger she sat down and
wrote him:
Yours, NJ. GAnu,CS.
His reply was equally to the point:
MADAME know it. Yours E. KEAN.
Youth S Companion.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
A Judge of Human Nature.

Mrs. Durham-Why do you shun
Horstlcy? I've noticed several times
now that you've gone out Of your way
to avoid meeting him.
Mr. Durham-I'm suspicious of him.
He's been so polite and friendly Of late
that l suspect he's getting ready to try
to borrow some money from me-
Cleveland Leader.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
Spoken Advisedly.

MY wife," said the young man in
earnest tones, sis a jewel"
"They all say that" said the elderly
man, speaking apparently to Tho wall.
But know. OF course You won t
believe it. but she watches me take my
bicycle all to pieces without offering q
single suggestion. '-Indianapolis Jour
nal.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
Bicycle First.

He-Tell, me, Carrie, were you ever
i'll love before?
She--To be frank with you, Harry,
my heart never went out from me but
once, and that was to my bicycle, but,
Harry, like you as we'll us it is posi-
BILE for me to like man.-Boston
Transcript.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
Out into the Darkness.

Turn her young
ida hter out
al on e unpro.
tected into the
stormy night?
Yet many loving
m RS allow
their daughters,
who are just com.
ing into the time
of wornanliood,
to proceed with
out proper care
and advice all un-
protected and
alone into tho
perils of this crit
ical period.
Young women
at this time often
suffer from irreg-
ularity and weak
ness which may
afterwards de-
velop into dam
gerous dis e a e
an d fill TIL e ir
whole lives with
wretchedness.
n 10 n f,rNtharya
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
Bargains
in Roanoke
County Farms.

$50 acres IF first class wheat land, in
high state of cultivation, good improve.
Inents, 1-2 miles from Roanoke city.
Price 50, coo. Very cheap.
1DO acres nearly all bottom land, plenty
OF timber, splendid S-room brick dwell
ing. Price $3.50.
81 acres on the rock road near Hollins,
good improvements Price 50, $50.
100 acres between Roanoke and Holl;ns
in good state of cultivation; fine orchard
OF improved fruit Price 5000.
4u acres near Roanoke, fine orchard
Price 800
l30 acres near Hollins-a great bargain
at 800.
70 acres good improvements, plenty of
$500.
A beautiful farm. with good improve
ments, In sight of Roanoke city. First
class land at great bargain
ITO acres, with good improvements.
first class land; an abundance of fine tim
Der, at $40 per acre.
3O acres, u comfortable dwelling, good
barn, we'll fenced, good water and fruit.
Price $780,
% acres of good land, we'll located. very
large young orchard. Price s., 500
oO acres of the best wheat land in Roam
oke county, all in cultivation, perfectly
level, we think will yield 80 bushels of
wheat to the acre this year. no improve
ments. Price $50 per acre
10 acres adjoining the above, with n
broom dwelling, some fruit. Price 81
250. ~
This Is only partial list of the farms
we have for sale, any Of which we will
DE glad 10 show at any time. Full de-
scription sent by mail at request Cor
respondence solicited.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
Where All May Shine.

Every woman. no matter how hum
bic, said the lecturer, may shine in
some situation"
Whcrcnt at least I per cent of the
feminine audience made surreptitious
dabs at tho ends of their noses, for the
hall was warm. indianapolis Journal.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
1t Came Handy.

Robbins--Did you get your bicycle
on the installment plan?
Wheeler--No, but that's the way I'm
paying my doctor. = Town Topics
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02

NoTICE.-Those having brick and
stone work or vitrified brick pavements
tosbe laid would do we'll to call on or adj
dressJ. T. Falls, the practical contractor
and builder. Also all kinds of carpenter
work, plasterng, painting, kalsomining
and paper hanging done on short notice.
All work guaranteed. J. 7. FALLS, No.
11S Fifth avenue n. e.. Roanoke, Va.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02

Judge Ito witness)- say you
have known the prisoner all your life?
Witness-Yes, your honor.
Judge-Now, i'll your opinion, do
you think he could be guilty of stealing
this money?
Witncss-How much was it?-New
York Journal
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02

Breakfast, % cents; dinner, % cents;
supper % cents. Meal tickets, 81. j..
j. Catogni's restaurant.
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
For Rent and Sale.
IT. w. Goodwin, Ag't.
ohlce, Room No. aoB Ferry BuildI,a
July /, 1897.
FOR ENT.-DwELLINGg.


FOR RENT.-DWELI.TN
No. 1871 West End Boulevard S. ". S25 M
No. 1U28 Seventh street s. 9. q m
No. 1896 Seventh street s. Q. 900
No. 214 Fourth street n. Q. , ~
No. 145 Eighth avenue $. w. 40
No. 622 First avenue n. w. 000
No. $40 Seventh avenue N. G. 80E
No. 317 Tenth avenue s. w. 1000
No. 1924 Patterson Avenue. 10SO
No. 705 Fourth avenue n. w. M
No 431 Ninth avenue s. hoo
No 029 First avenue n. w. y ~
No $40 Third avenue 8. @. s 'N0
No 1913 Ninth avenue n. w. 10
No. 922 Third avenue II. w 90
No. 143 Eighth avenue 8. W.. 1S00
No. 203 Seventh avenue 8. W 1SSO
No. 1851 Salem avenue 8. W.. 100
STORES.
No. I'll Third avenue g. w. p m
No. 304 Commonwealth ave- n. @. 40 m
also have in my charge properties IN
all sections Of the city that can be bougbt
at great bargains, either for cash or ON
the instalment plan.
Call and examine my list.
Il. w. GOODWIN, Agent
The Roanoke times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1897-1977, 1897-07-02
Roanoke City Real Estate.

we have n great many fine bargains in
houses and lots in Roanoke in every part
Ct the city. Cheap for cash. MANY of
them on small cash payment, and the
balance on snail monthly payments,
very little more than rent Persons de-
siring 10 invest in either county or city
property will do well to call on or write
to us before doing So
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03
CHICAoo'S HEAVY CopPERs.
Dig officers on Guard at the Street
Crossings.

The arithmetics of the future will
perhaps contain a proposition like this
for the youth to puzzle over:
"If crossing policeman weighs 24o
pounds and his belt is SO inches in diam
eter, how far ahead of him will thief
keep who has start of 20 rods, IL feet
and inches?
The answer will be varied, accord
ing to the experience of the student.
If he knows lot of things about the
Chicago crossing coppers he will say
about a mile. When the civil service
commission is examining q man for
police force material for the days that
are to be, it would do well, perhaps,
to pick out few who can do 100 yards
under three minutes. They are not
on the force now. 1t may be that it
takes man weighing over 200 pounds
to hold down a job on the detail, but
whatever the reason it is evident to the
observer that the squad runs more to
obesity than anything else. 1t seldom
runs at all, for that matter, since vio-
lent exercise is not part of the duties
OF crossing cop.
The Broadway squad in New York
city is composed of the pick of the po-
lice force, selected for intelligence, neat
ness, polish and general appearance
not for height and avoirdupois solely.
The officers are the fnest-loolsing body
of police in the world without doubt.
The Chestnut street squad of Phila-
delphia is composed of tall men, but
they are all finely built and an orna-
ment to the force. In Chicago the
man on the corner seems to be strong
on girth and little else.
To be sure, the crossing copper does
not have to travel beat and his duties
are largely confined to waving a club
at obstinate drivers and helping ladies
to cross the street. But should thief
be seen rushing through the street with
tray full of rings or a pickpoc1set
jump from n street car and run, how
many crossing copers in Chicago could
do anything except throw club at him?
Not one in dozen. 1t is grieyous fact
that the only claim to cminence Chi
cago can make for its downtown police
is that they outweigh any equal number
of officers in the world.-Chicago Chron-
| icle,
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03

can't make no tremendous big mistake
by keepin your weather eye open on the
future time to come. And then, if you
don't die young, old age is comm swift
and certain by and by, and some of
these days you will find your rusty self
in need of a soft settin down place TO
rest.
Some men get old whilst yet they are
young, and some remain over and tarry
around and stay young when they are
old. But they will all have to come up
to stoppin place somewheres down
the line. When the days work is done
and the race is roundin to finish
when the gold Of evenin meets the dusk
of highland them tired feelins are
erawlin up ard down and all around,
you will feel like floppin yourself down
somewheres to rest. Then if you can
manage SO as to have good soft place
ready and watin, You can bless your
stars, and laugh at the world, and shake
your fist at fate, and say Rufe Sanders
was plum right as usual.
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03
The Good Average Way.

But now there was old man Jerry
Scroggins, which took the good average
way and kept it to the end. He want
to say very speedy, but he helt his own
and kept his feet under him and stood
the pace through u long heat. He
started out poor and never got rich, but
at 40 he was right tolerable we'll fixed,
and every time he took a step forwards
hewould drived down a peg so he couldn't
slip back. He was slow but steady.
Gradually by degrees he bought good
farm and stocked it, and built a nice
home, and planted out fine orchard
and raised a big family. He took his
own time and went a good, safe gait,
savin his strength as well as his money,
and was fresh and sprightly and active
as a eat at 60. He never got in any ire
mendius big hurry, but he hit a reglar,
steady lick seem how it would take him
through by and by. He took things as
made home happy and life pleasant. He
lived long enough to see all of his grand
children grown up and married off and
settled down, and then when he got old
and poor and weary with the storms of
life he had him a warm, soft settin
down place to rest.
But old man Jerry made one break in
his old age which you never would Of
counted on from safe and prudent
man like him. lie let his foot slip
oupst and if he hadn't eal1gbt the steD
mighty quick he would of lost his nest
and went forth into the cold world
alone. You ought to have nest, and
hit well feathered, when you get old
and feeble, and then you ought to stay
with it and stick to it till the sun goes
down and the cows come home and
the evenin stars sing together.
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03
A Wide Open weather Eye.

You will please take notice that | Amt
rich, ana maybe | amt smart nor very
Eoodlookin, but will bet the best pair
of mules in the settlement that never
will git turned out in the cold world
for the want of soft settin down place.
will have little nest of my own to
start with, and if in case that slides out
from under me have already got three
or four places picked out, where l can
go and flop down and rest when git old
and tired.
There is James Saunders Scruggins,
which didn't have no ma when he
turned up at our house, and never did
have any pa so fur anybody knows of.
But toted fair with him and give him
good house now, and plenty to go on,
and | am as welcome at his table as his
own dear daddy, if not more so.
And then there is VIII Tom Pickens.
lie wouldn't have pretty home and
a good, smart wife and four promisin
children to-day If / hadn't fSed up
little scheme and worked it out so he
could marry Mamie Lou Galloway. |
ii. ~, l -. a. ,,e ha,,se.
: 81 us y" - 'iie,i 49,
bust up the match, and consequentially
~ - - - - :.
in4,oi, ily yu;lI an ~, ll'e .,ia
ID o.d H. t. tho nov - ,aa s.io
~ -, I--e' ~ r,N'
Won dear de aii,,' ola Dicl,1nce.
You would come to see us Christmas or
New Year but we have stu got plenty OF
gin von e eo o IL ofs a a o uA dow
have cot four more hogs to kin whilst
Mamie Lou left the biggest turkey and put
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03
From an Enemy Of Tomatoes.

The chicken heart in human beings
is not unknown, but the tomato heart"
seems new. A western Pennsylvania
savant informs the world that toma-
toes, whether raw or cooked, are unfit
for human consumption, and that near
ly everybody who eats tomatoes suf-
fers from lycopersicum cardiopathia,
or tomato heart. "Their effect" he
says, "even upon the most robust ia
invariably injurious" The fret symp-
tom is difficult breathing, which evil
dences ian arrest of vital activity"
1t seems that the secret OF the baneful
effects of eating tomatoes was revealed
10 the professor in the discovery OF
the fact that the inmates OF the Pitts
burgh almshouse, who partake largely
Of canned tomatoes, are also afflicted
with general depression"
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03
OLD ROCKY.
Keep a Weather Eye on tho soft
Settin-Down Places"
One Man Who Ran the Savin-Ult-for.
a-Rainy-Day Business Into the
Ground-Takin Out Time
adjoining.

Life at the very best is vain
and short and heetin, but every
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03
The rhyme should be as natural as tho

The rhyme should be as natural as tho
sentiment.
All of our best hymns have been
handed down to US from famous Eng
lish authors. With but few exceptions
there have been none written within
the century. Did these old authors ex-
haust the field or has the spirit of
sacred poetry departed? Who writes
a hymn now? But even some of these
old popular English hymns are quite
faulty or unfortunate in expression.
When | was a boy used to hear Come,
thou Fountof every blessing sung very
often in our church and got the idea
into my head that angels tongues were
made of fire, for the hymn says: Sung
by flaming tongues above" l did not
like that nor do | like it yet. That kind
of music is little too hot for mortals
to appreciate and adds nothing to tho
attractiveness of Heaven.
| reckon / am hypercritical about
such things, but can't help it. When
the SMILES in verse are unnatural they
distress me. As much as | admire Long
fellow | have never been reconciled to
the lines:
"As a feather is waited downward
From an eagle in his flight"
There is nothing like the falling of
darkness in that to me. It is a strain of
thought; might as well have said:
"From buzzard in his flight" and that
would have been horrid. The coming
of darkness is a big thing and shrouds
the earth from horizon to horizon, but
the falling of u stray feather from
bird is very little thing-too little for
q comparison. But reckon it is mean
to find fault with poet who wrote so
many beautiful poems. | was only
Illuminating. Sometimes change of ex-
preston brings us down suddenly from
the sublime to the ridiculous. Web
ster's last words were whispered: Il
still live" but young man l knew I'M
dertoolx to repeat them and said;
Boys, I'm not dead yet and all the
solemnity disappeared.-Bill Arp, in
Atlanta Constitution.
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03

but long before 1t come he was out
and gone the common way of all flesh.
He was only little turned 80 when he
died, and the doctors give it out that
there want anything the matter with
him in particular-jest general givin
away and an al around kerfummux. He
was too internal clost and stingy to
git married, and consequentially his
money went by long division to the law
gers and his poor relations.
Little Jim pitched his tune too blame
high, and naturally of course it didn't
take him very long to sing the song
out
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03
She nldn,t sec ~ That Way.

Mother-Why, Johnnie. what on
earth have you been doing2
Johnnie-Fight'n'! And you owe me
80 cents on il. You know that tooth
you was going to pay dentist to draw?
"Ycs."
"Wcl, Billy BiHer knocked it out. -
odds ard Ends.
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03
A Good school-HIarm.

This thing which some folks call fate,
and some call predestination, is apower-
full good school-marm, accordin to my
doxology. You understand l have
been one of her scholars for 10 these
many years, and she has learnt me
some lessons which l never can live
long enough to disremember. Icouldn't
forget them if | wanted to and tried my
level blamdest. She has likewise also
give me some terrible hard knocks and
made me wear the Ounce cap many and
many's the time. But as yet l never
have spelt up head, and / amt quit
school neither.
In my bummin and bruisin around
promiscus through this vain and fleetin
world below have already learnt that
a man can mighty soon run the savin-
p-for-a-rainy-day business into the
ground if he wants to. He can starve
and stint and rake and scrape and
W orry and wear his life out before the
rainy day comes or the first frost of old
age comes.
Some men want to get rich too all
1lreQ SnQQeDb llke7SUrauQle 1OrluHe
at one jump, as it were, and then live
high and riotous in their old remainin
days. But if you will only watch man
like that you will notice that he most in
generally always gets old quick and
lives hard and dies before his proper
time. He may make stacks and cords
of money and put it out where the
dimes will turn to dollars every oncst
and occasionally, but yet at the same
time feel poor and live poor and pass
out ahead of time. Accordin to Andy
Lucas and the criptures-money makes
the mare go. But it can't make good,
solid grub go and stay when mans
general machine runs down and the bot
tom drops out of his bread basket.
So when you come to count up all tire
costs / would whole lot ruther let
everything go as fast as it comes and
take my chances about the settin down
place, than to wear myself out and have
to take out and quit before | ever find
time to stop and rest. Mortal man,
born of female woman, "brealSs" and
''spurts' most too much anyhow. He
runs too high up or either too low down.
If he would but only strike level, and
make good average, and let well
enough alone, he could hold his speed
better and stand the pace longer.
The Van Buren press., 1897-04-03

man ought TO
manage so as
to save up a
stake and feather
q nest for him
8 e ! + agin n
rainy day. 1t
mought be that
the rainy day
never will come,
and then maybe il
will. But YOU