The National tribune., 1897-06-24
VII.

The War Viewed from the Rear.
VII
hab ez little use fur Maiahs ez I hah fur
mewels an mewelatters. i alluz wondered
why President Linkum ebber made dem.
Mebbe lie diddent, any more'n Goddelmitey
made mewels and mewelatters. Mebbe hit
wuz done by sum smarty tryin tub improve
on President Linkum.
Watts the sense, / want tub know, oh
habin one OBJ de big-bugs oh de regiment do
muffin but wear strawberry leaves on his
shoulders. an stand around wild his mouf
shut, while de Kunnel does all de bossiD,
an de Adjutant all de hollerin? Where 1
kin needer wuk, holler, nor boss / git out
at de fust opportunity. Hit am no place
fur man OBJ talent.
De flip Majah OBJ our regiment put IN his
spare time-an all his time was spare-in
bein flip. He felt dat he knowed so much
dat hit made him round-slouldered carryin
hit erbout he had lip enough for de hull
regiment, and he'd lose sleep any time tub
git de grand laff on somebody else. Mach
orally, de boys had hit in fur him, big ez
load OBJ hay.
One day de Kunnel wus ohdehed tuh Wash
ington, de Lieutenant KuDneI wuz on q
court-marshal, an de flip Maiah TUX COM
mand. De Ting went suh his head, until
dey wuz afsared hit might bust. Hit WIZ
de biggest day OBJ his life, an he sot out tuh
make de mos oh hit. He had de camp
cleaned up fine ez a fiddle, an he sent
out invites to de Brigadier-Jineral an
lots OBJ big Ossifers tub cum tub dress-parade
in de ebenip.
Iknowed dat sumfn was up, frum de way
de boys WIZ a-whisperin togedder an latin
in DER sleeves W lille dey wuz cleanin up DER
guns and close fur dress parade. l didn't
ke:ck on, dough, but / went ahead Citing
things reddy fur suppeh, SOS I'd be in shape
tub see de sirkua.
l happened tub be down behine Co. BIS
tents, and l see de boys dere fixin up a
long piece oh telumgraph wire, fastenin
railroad spike tuh one end, and maxim a big
loop on de udder. 1 kind o. watch wat dey
gwIne tub do wild dat. Co. B would be
on de left oh de line when de parade wuz
formed. Bime-by / saw de boys santer out
tub de place where DER company'd be.
Nobody else wnz ON de ground den-all in
DER tents shinin up an gittin ready. see
dem drop de wire on de ground, kinder keer-
less like, an one OBJ de bows sot his foot on
de spike, and draw hit intull de ground up
tub de head Den dey kicked de wire erI0ng
until it reached back oh where DER rear
raDk'd be, IN den dey shuffled de dust ober
it, SO it couldn't be seen. begun tub see
wat dey wuz drivin at.
Jes befo' dress parade call sounded Mistuh
10 he tux me behine de company tents,
handed me q paper package wrapped up IN
shape OBJ ahorn, wild 3 p'inted little end, an
big end. SEE he:
SNOWFALL, Pm erbout tub glib you a very
important duty. Now listen sharp tub
ebbery word I'm tellin you, an do perZackiy
ez / say. Eff yo' don't, / shall suttinly skin
yo' alive Dis paper is full OBJ snuff an
cayenne pepper, which de Surgeon wants tuh
administer tuh de regiment fur lis health
tub keep off de Chickerhominy shakes. It's
a new idee OBJ hs. Yo' go up and stand
near de band. Wait till alter hit has
finished playin' fur de companies tub march
ON tub de ground an form. Den de artist
wat plays de bass drum will take hit off an
set hit on der ground to rest, while de Adj
julant is dressin' up de line an openin'
ranks. Yo' watch yo' chance. an when de
musicians is watchin' de Adjutant goin'
trough his conSolushuns, yo' tear off dis
little end, stick hit intuh de hole in de drum
where de newell kicked hit, an let de stuff
run in. Den de sooner yO' make yo'self
skeerce de betteh for yo' health"
He went ober hit all ergin, till he WIZ sho'
dat understood.
Dere wuz an awful big crowd tuh see de
parade-de Brigadier-Jinerul, wild his epy-
lets on; de young staff ossifers, wild rebel
girls dat dey'd invited tub see de Yankee
soljers perform. an so on.
see my chance when nobody wuz look
in, an got de stuff into de drum.
De flip Majah cum Outen his tent lookin'
fner'n Solomon in all his glory, an putin
on ez if he knowed heap mo-. Wen ne
strutted down to his place in front OBJ de
regiment an took his posishun, wild his
aims folded on his breast, 1 dun felt so glad
dat Solomon wuz dead. Hit'd made him
feel bad tub be so beat by man wild modern
De Adjutant he hollered:
Right dress! Front! Parade rest!
Troop, beat off!
De artist wild de bass drum hit it welt
dat set de snuff an pepper flynn. Den he
glib q sneeze dat frowed his cap off De big
Dutch Drum-major he say:
'Donnerwetter, Shuttle, put yo' in de
gyardhouse for dat" an den he sneeze HIM
self till he Almost drop his baton.
Pottgieser, yo' bloat, watts de match
wild yo'?" swOre de Ajutant uudeh his
bIch Dch uc WSHt h-Cu-cH-cH.
k-ch-ch-ew !" wusser dan any oh dem.
De bass-drnmmer he got skeered an ex-
cited, an begin lammin' dat drum fur de
Lawd's sake. De cornet-man glib an awful
blat trying to choke down sneeze, an
fought de feller wild de big horn had busted
hit-he made such an awful noise wen he
sneezed intuh hit.
De bass-drummer he damned away like
''Silenee in de ranks" yelled de Captain
OBJ Co. A, ez de band went past, an all his
men set tub sneezin'. Den he dun TUX up
de chorus, an went :" K ch-ch-ew! K-ch-
ch-ew!" louder'n nybody else.
Co. + cum next. De Captain WIZ little
fat Teller, an fought he'd surely bust wen
he got a good strong Whit from de drum,
which Shultz wuz lammin' ez if he'd pound
de head in. Co. F sneezed all at once, as if
by word OBJ command.
So hit went clean down de line; Co. B
wound up by actin ez if they'd all ketched
influenzy.