Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-05-13
HOME LIKE JOKES.

other place like home"
He-''I hope not. New York Her
aid.
When man disappears, people won
der whether he ran away with a wo-
man or from one. It's generally both.
New York Press.
mabel, wouldn't it be jolly if We
could ride through life like this to-
gether?"
Now, George, if you're going to be
spoony for goodness sake turn down
the lamp. Plain-Dealer.
Il want to see the BOSS he said to
the chief book-keeper as ne entered the
counting room.
You'll find the typewriter in that
little room to the left" replied the man
of figures.-Pittsburg Chronicle
I'D think Jones would be ashamed
of himself"
'Why?"
I've heard that he is a self-made
man" Chicago Record.
Eastern Man-''How is Cosmopolo
City, the Occidental Wonder of the
Western World and Belle Of the
Palms. prospering?"
Western Man-"Finely! Finely!
We've got two stores and blacksmith
shop in full blast now.''-New York
Weekly.
Dearest. if I were far, far away.
could you still love me?"
''Why, Reggy, what a question! I'm
sure the farther you were away the
better should love you" -Bosto1
Traveller.
Uncle Swayback-''Them city folks
amt so fast as 1 was supposin'."
Aunt Furby-'How's that, Silas?"
Uncle Swayback-"I went to one OF
them oppery haouses and they was
still a-playin' 'Hamlit' lhet I seed ten
years ago, b'goshr'- Chicago News.
Daddy-"You must go to school res
ular or you won't learn muffin
Cufie-'Did you go regular"
Daddy-"Yes, indeed. l never miss
ed but one day"
Cufiie-'1 wunder eff you'd have
known emmy more thin you do eff you
had gone thet day?"-Harper's Bazaar.
"And the captive?" asked the savage
potertate.
Sire answered the enthusiastic
chef de cuisine, shes bird"
Very we'll, old man." said his Ma
jesty. In that event don't forget the
cold bottle Detroit News-Tribune.
Waiter, this chop is done abomin-
ably!'
It's what you ordered, sir
What | ordered? What dyer
mean?"
WHY, you ordered chop not too
well done, ILLUSTRATED Bits.
Funny that Bill Jones can't raise
no vThiskers."
g 'Tain't funny at all Simple as a. b.
c. Ell is jist % lazy to raise even
WEiskers, an that's all they is to it,
II diaIapolis Journal.
''This is all rot about pure grit win
Ling success"
"How SOP"
Il sank my fortune in grindstone
factory. ''-Detroit Free Press.
School Mistress-Why did Abraham
after all rot kill his son Isaac?
Tommy (whose father is the village
butCher)-Because he wasn't fat
encugh.-JCGy.
There are only three statues of wo-
men in the United States
''Of course. the public doesn't want
any CHASTITY and unnatural objects as
works of art
"Unnatural?"
"Yes-Women sitting stock still, say
ing nothing. "-Chicago Record.
She-4Would Won love me just the
same, dearest, if / were poor instead of
worth a million?
He-I have registered a solemn VOW
never to discuss the financial question
again.-Detroit Free Press.
Justice-What happened next? Did
he indulge in incendiary language?
Witness-Yes, your honor; he said
something about firing me out.-Bos-
ton Transcript.
''You are only the second girl I ever
asked for her hand"
''That settles it! I'm no secondhand
girl!'-Yonkers Statesman.
She (as the curtain went up)-What
did you go out for?
He-OnlY for breath of air, dear.
well, [ wish you would go out and
try to get another breath ''-Yonkers
Statesman
Mrs. Shopleigh-Can you show me
some beets today?
Mr.. Green, the grocer, to his book
keeper-Here, William, show the lady
your books.-Yonkers Statesman.
''The moonlight sleeps upon the
bank, warbled the young lady at the
local concert
Voice from the Back-Ho, so do it.
And burned cold place it is, too.-
Fun.
q never saw a more perfect fit than
that dress, Miss Rosebud"
81 did. When papa got the bill for
it."-Answers.
Nurse Girl lost track of the child,
mum, and
Good gracious! Why didn't you
speak to Policeman"
Nurse Girl was s9eakin' to wan
all the tonne, mum.-P7arson' Week
ly.
my boy" said old Drywater, Gin all