The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1897-02-25
WHITE OF KANSAS.
0What's the Matter with Kan
sas 20 Gets an Answer.
The EmpOria Gazette Editors WHY
Response at the Ohio Repub'
lican League fanquet.

the Ohio Republican League banquet
GAINESVILLE on Feb. 12 was that OF Mr..
VIM. A. White, editor OF the Enporia,
Kansas, Gazette, in response 10 the toast,
"What's the Matter With Kansas" 1t
is given in full:
There is song " hich some ofyou may
have heard. which b.gius:
o potatoes they grow small, out in Kansas,
And they eat them tops and ell, ont in Kansas.
There are 43 stanzas to this ballad, and
the burden of the song is that Kansas is
about the 33d degree in the lodge of the
Royal Arch Demon, and that man, at.
ter going through the whole sizzling in.
ferno, is sent to Kansas to get homesick
for hades. That song contains several
important errors. In the first place, we
do not eat them tops and all, out in Kan.
sas. We eat them mashed, with chicken
gravy, and fried with ham gravy, just as
you do here in Ohio. Inthe second place
we do not have to fill our wells with rock
to keep them from blowing away; nor do
we trim the claws of the Kansas catfish
to prevent them from scratching the bark
off the tees in dry weather. Neither do
We send onr abstracts to Missouri 80 that
the grasspoppers will not destroy the title
to the land. These are popular delusions
which hurt Kansas. And of late new
delusion has spread through the country
to the effect that the Populists are off
the reservation killing plutocrats out OF
season and contrary to law. These
things being prevalent belief, make the
street car morse laugh till their sides
hurt when they see man from Kansas.
This is unfair. Kansas is q little queer
at times: but 80 is Indianna and Illinois,
for that matter. But just because four
or five Kansas congressman have the
lnmpy.j jaw you should not infer that we
grow tails and run wild with the buffalo.
When Mr.. Altgeld, of Illinois, began
to see things and talk to himself, you
gentlemen didn't believe that the citizens
of Chicago all walked backwards to keep
their trousers from bagging in the knees.
Because Ignatius Donheley scrambled his
brains with the wheels in bis head, no
one ever thought of putting Minnesota
in the violent ward. Because Jones, of
Arkansas, hold on! 1t hasn't got 90 far
that Kansas man has to defend Ar.
kansaw in order to stand up for Kansas.
We will have to draw the line some
where, and Arkansaw is . good a place
to begin.
have been invited here to tell you
what is the matter with Kansas, and 1
have come nearly a thousand miles in
the middle of winter, to'say that there is
absolutely nothing the matter with Kan.
sas. There has been something the
matter with Kansas good deal the
matter with Kansas. Thedevil, has been
to pay out in Kansas, but he has been
paid in lOO.cent dollars. And that &C.
count seems to be closed. The bestway
to explain to you what has been the
matter with kansas is to recall story of
Uncle Chester Thomas, who used to be
the boss in Topeka politics. The old man
was rarely disturbed, but one time, when
the reformers gave him the fight of his
life in Topeka, he lost kis head. That
was the campaign in which the old
man told his cohorts to "Chur fer 'em,
boys, chur fer 'em, but vote agin 'em. i"
It was election day when the old man
had been quietly circulating around the
polls, distributing rewards of merit, and
increasing the per capita, when he sud
denly turned and rushed back to bis
Office where his friends were gathered,
and painted despairingly: "Boys,sboys,
for heavens sake send some one down to
the Fourthlward: them idiots there have
been for three hours, voting just as they
>damn please"
That's principally what's the matter
! With Kansas We haven't been able un
u last fall to vote as We plessed-as W
: damn please. if you prefer the Latin
For six or seven years Kansas has beer
undsf the spell of the demagogues
Prem 1880 TO 1894 all parties We'd with
4 - another in putting tommyrot int
4 1hair platforms. You gentlemen her,
= Ohio havssdoubtless noticed with con
+ onnenation what lads, What foolisms
Huhnt rank nonsense have passed curren
- Dspublicanism at one time or anoshs
- il Kanaas. when Jerry Simpson
- ~ Oonreo the 6rst time the Re
rn11nnsin;his disizics sfols his paatiass
~, end then: ahsaavsd ths RsSahal
nusninss hen .ths dsty 4 ahidin