davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

FATIIER-So you want to marry
this young Smithers, do you?-.
Danghter-Yos, papa. "Well, do
you know that he can support YOU p"
No, sir" DO you know what
he does for II living? ?" mo, sir"
" Do you know that he can support
himseif?" "No, sir" "Do you
know what his character is ?" "No,
sir" WHAT" roared the old gen
tleman, "you want to marry this
young whipper-snapper, and you
know nothing about him ?" - do
know something about him." she
retortcd. Name il, for the love of
Heaven, name - yelled the old
man. "He," she said, and then she
faltered, che knows all about the
best bicycles on the market"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

THE lecturer inquired dramatic
ally: "Can any one in this room
tell me of perfect man ?" There
was dead silence. "Has any one,"
he continued, "heard Of a perfect
woman ?" Then patient little
woman in black dress rose up at
the back Of the auditorium and an
swered: "There was one. I've Of
ten heard of her, but she's dead
now. She was my husbands first
wife,
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

YES, my dear, Pm gay bache-
lor," said q masked man to masked
lady at a masquerade party the other
evening. He felt queer when she
said to him in low voice:
Don't be silly, John, I know
you by that wart on your thumb"
1t was his wife.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

IT looked like it: why did
Solomon marry thousand wives ?"
asked the Sunday-school teacher
" Perhaps he wanted to be the father
Of his country" replied one of the
older pupils.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

THE VIEW OF LIFE.-Tho man
who was standing on the ledge of a
tourteenth-story window and wash
ing the outside Of the plate glass
pansed in his work moment and
looked inside at the pale faced men
sitting at the various desks i'm the
room. &" Poor devils," he said to
himself. "Some men will do most
anything for a livingw And he
whistled tune and went on wash
ing the window.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

He who fancies that he can do
without the world deceives himself
much but he who fancies that the
the world cannot do without him, Is
under still greater deception.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

"THE price you ask for your
manuscript, sir, is eXhorbitant, said
the publisher.
EXhorbitant ?" repeated the
careworn author, disdainfully.--
Why, man, I've been paying post
age on that story for the last twenty
Years.V
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

"SOME men are kinder than some
women," said the tramp, as he dis
entangled himself from the dog and
cleared the farm-yard fence.
What makes you say that ?" in
quired his pal.
Why, the man of this house
only set the dog on me; the last
time ] was here his wife gave me
two Of her biscuits.n
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

SALVATION ARMY MAID--EX-
cuse me, sir ; but won't you buy a
War Cry?'
Benedict-No need of it, Miss
That's the very first thing I'll hear
when ] get home.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

DIFFERENCE WAS FELT.-"It was
so dark in the parlor when young
DR.. Plummer came in that didn't
notice he had shaved off his mus
tache."
Didn't you? | felt the differ
ence while you were getting a light"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

"GooD morning, Doctor, anything
startling to report in your line this
morning?'
" Yes, indeed. The most remark
able recovery in my whole expert
ence."
Don't say! What is it?"
II recovered an umbrella loaned
to one of my patients yesterday"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

"PROFEssoR," he said, with a
suspicious quiver in his voice, "is
this where you hypnotic folks 2"
Yes, SIR" replied the hypnotist.
" What can do for you?"
is it true that you can cure the
liquor habit by hypnotism ?"
I'VE claim to do so; yes, sir"
Drive a mans whiskey thirst
away so that he'll feel as if he never
wanted to drink again"
eyes, sir"
What does it cost? ?n
"One dollar treatment"
Here's your dollar. Now, then,
| want you to pull the reserve lever
and hypnolize me into believing Pve
been drunk for about two weeks
Times are mighty hard, and / can't
afford the real thing"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

Mrs. FARMER-You say you are
a sufferer from quick consumption?
Weary Willie-Yes, lady; desc
five.minute hand outs Is suthin'
fierce.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

SHE-Is your arm getting better?
He-Yes, guess 1t will be able to
be around all right in a few days.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

THE foolish virgin Of to-day is the
one whose bicycle lamp is not trim.
med and burning.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

a FANORITE employee of the late
John Stetson once found himself in
the middle Of long summer with
out money. He approached Mr..
Stetson and besought him for loan
Of one hundred dollars. mot a
cent J" snapped the anager;
"g'wan away with you" The young
man retreated in good order, and,
later in the day, having taken coun.
sci of some friends, once moro ap.
preached the man of wealth. He
told him that his fiancee was on the
eve Of starting out with burlesque
company, and simply had to have
some new clothes; he wanted the
one hundred dollars to give to her.
" Why the deuce didn't you tell me
that at first ?" inquired Mr.. Stetson,
ficrcely,as he handed over the money;
everybody knows you can't feed
love on hay"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

CYNTHIA--Do you think Frank
will love me when l am old, Maud?
Maud Well, there's one thing,
dear-you'll soon know.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

THERE are two ways in which a
woman loses her lover. One is by
marrying him; the other is by re-
tanning him as her friend.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

STERN FATHER-What were those
peculiar noises l heard down here
last night? Did you and young
Comeback uncork any of my beer
bottles?
Demure Daughter-No, papa
We were just going through some
labial exercises.
Stern Father-Oh, suppose these
new educational fads must have
their run.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

DUMBLETON-Ia am informed that
Frailman, who recently gave up
business here, has gone out Of town
can you tell me where he has settled ?
Flasher-Yes; he settled at ten
cents on the dollar.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

" DOESN'T it strike you, Dolphy,
DEAR" and the gushing girl gazed
dreamily toward the western hori-
zon, "that there is more poetry in
the slowly setting sun than in any
other object in the universe ?n "I
don't know SO much about that -
mused the mild-eyed Minstrel of
Many Reflections. "I reckon the
waste basket runs it pretty close -
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

HE-l suppose your thoughts were
all on your new bonnet during
the sermon this morning?
She-No, indeed, they were not /!
He-I don't believe you can repeat
anything that was said during the
service.
She-Yes, | can, too. 1 heard a
lady behind me say, Isn't it stun
ming"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

FIRST NEIGHBOR-I'll have you
arrested if that dog of yours attacks
me again. You know as we'll as |
do that there is a law in this town
against dogs running at large.
Second Neighbor- Right you are,
Old man, but there amt any law
against dogs running at Small.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

THE following has been going the
rounds Of the press for some time,
and of course all tho boys ought to
know it: can electric corset has
just been patented. 1t is constructed
In such manner that when q fellow
slips his arm around a girls waist he
touches button, this loosens a string
in tho corset, throws sawdust in his
hair and kicks him out of doors,
where an India rubber bulldog stands
ready to scare him into fits"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

JONEs-Great guns! You're get
ting deaf, old man.
Smith-Tm not. | could never
hear better in my life.
Jones producing watch)-Can
you hear that watch tick ?
Smith triumphautly)- Distinctly.
Jones-That's queer. The watch
isn't running.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11
MISCELLANEOUS.
TWO OF A KIND.

INTERESTING CASES OF MISTAKEN
IDENTIFY.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

SIZE COULD RETALIATE.-" Will
liam," she said, "perhaps you i'm
agine that cannot retaliate ?n
What do you mean?"
You have inflicted your baseball
conversation on me without com
junction"
con, | see. You're not up to
date. That's where the trouble is.
You don't post yourself. You might
get you liked it after while. Now,
in this game the batter"
"Stop where you are, William" ,"
she said, sternly. "YOu have been
telling me about hot lincrs,' daisy
CUTTERS swatting out a fy,' and
doing tObOggan to second until
| am fairly dizzy. Now, let me tell
you something"
Very we'll"
" want to describe Il new dress
that | saw. The corsage is made OF
frilled mouSseline de sole over q
transparency of hOrtensia color. II
has butterfly sleeves and"
But the door slammed, and vii
liam was out in tho Chill darkness.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11
NUMBER AZ.

On one occasion the late John
Stetson went to New York. Atthat
time the Il roads did not run on Sun
day. Stetson took a walk with Jack
Havcrly on this day, and was dis
gruntled because he could not take
aide on the road. Happening to see
the letters &C. NJ. f.. II. r." which
stood for Metropolitan Elevated r.
r., Haverly asked John what they
meant. " Blessed if | know" re-
piled John Methodist Episcopal
II. r., | reckon"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

I" IT seems to me-" said the kicker
as he entered the rather small smok-
ing apartment, "that the company
provides very limited accommoda-
tions for smokers"
" But this, you know, is the linn.
tied express, sir" replied the con-
ductor.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11
Lewisburg Hotel
STRATTON & SON,
PROPRIETORs.

"ELL furnished rooms, attentlye
w servants and table supplied wltb
The best the markets afford. Livery
attached. Good Rigs, safe Horses and
vehicles. Special attention pald 10
boarding Horses. Reasonable rates'
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11
The Front StOOp Cynic.

Mr.. Sirius Baker had sat in silence
for moro than half an hour on his
front stoop watching the bicycles as
they flashed past. He seemed even
more displeased with tho human
race than usual, says the Detroit Free
Press. His wife did not try to talk
to him. She knew he was angry
about something, and did not like to
interrupt him when he was having a
good time. He broke the silence
himself.
"Ugh !" he said, with a shudder
and shiver.
"What's the matter, Sirius? Does
anything hurt you?"
Yes, ma'am," he answered,
something does hurt me. 1t is not
mere trifling physical pain, either.
l am cnViOuS of the past, shocked at
the present and apprehensive of the
future"
Goodness gracious! II isu't half
so bad as that, is it ?"
It's worse. For several wears |
have been asking myself whittier
we are drifting, and then giving the
c0nundrum up because quailed he
fore the awful truth that the an
swer involved. But there is no use
in trying to conceal it any longcr.-
We are plugging over the Niagara
falls of iconOClasm into the whirl-
pool of social chaos. That's where
We are drifting. And you women
are responsible for it,"
Sirius, be just, if you cannot be
generous. Don't blame me person.
ally for the dOingS of other members
of my sex. | don't ride a bicycle"
No; but you'd like to. There |!
Look at 'em ~ he growled, as an
other party went by. "A short
time ago we had the summer girl. =.
She wore white dresses and frizzed
her hair, and kept her complexion
white, and made you glad she didn't
have wings to fly away with. She
was delight to the poets and re-
lief to everyday people. Where is
she now? Dead as the dodo. She's
put on blOOmerS and divided skirts
and legging5 and an alpine hat. She
has stayed out in the wind and sun
till she has gotten her face tanned,
''" 80 SNNiy way ltT
once charming identity until, as a
matter of fact, she no longer exists"
Well," said his wife, in philo-
sophica! tone, " there is never Il loss
without some gain. She will be re-
placed in some way"
That's the worst Of it. She has
been replaced. And how? What
have we now in her stead? The
summer man. What is he? Hos q
freak; that's what he is. He wears
white sweater with red trimming
around the collar and bangs his hair.
lie puts on a doVe-colored suit and
rainbow stockings, and takes more
pride in his lower limbs than the
leader of the Amazon march i'm n
burlesque show. He is II gaudy
patch of color on the landscape, and
he is so much afraid of not being
noticed that he rings his bell to make
you look at him. | used to get a
little bit tired Of tho twaddle they
were constantly giving us about the
summer girl. But since the summer
man came into existence miss her
and yearn for her"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1897-03-11

!. II. sTRATTON jos. II. sTRATToN.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08

P. ST. do not believe That Mr..
Wood betrayed my confidence and
gave away the letter; but that it was
lost by him or stolen by those who are
using it. 1 am also convinced that
neither did Mr.. Howell or Mr.. Bickart
ever see that letter. Anyone who has
letter from me is at liberty to pub
lish the same to the world, as I have
nothing to cover up or conceal. AS
before stated, I always work for and
stand by my friends.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08
A Snare
And DeluSiOn.

IF you have taken out life insurance
l. policy in an Old Line high price "level
premium" company with the idea that
you would at sometime in the future,
while you yet drew the breath of life, re-
dividends" we are here to tell you that
you will be disappointed. Your policy
will prove snare and a delusion. It is
all right for protection for your wife and
children, as they will receive the face Of
the policy in case Of your death, as they
would also in a company that charges
you half as much. A life insurance poll
cy is fraud as an investment for living
man, and is the greatest blessing Of which
we or anybody else has any knowledge
as means Of protecting the widow and
orphans, after the breadwinner has been
remoyad nv DEATH
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08

SOME BoYIsH ANswERs.-As school
boy habit of placing upon question
some literal meaning other than intend
ed by the examiner, often leads to
answers as curious as unexpected.
Thus an Inspector asked a lad what
were the chief ends of man, and he
replied:
"His head and feet"
Another youth, questioned as to
where Jacob was going when he was
10 years old, replied that "he was 60
ing on for H."
One specially unimaginative juven'
lie, calling upon to say for what the
Red sea was famous, replied.
"Red herrings
But perhaps the most startling an
swer of this kind was that CT the boy
who, when asked what was meant by
an unclean spirit responded:
"a dirty devil, sir !"
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08
If You Will Lay Aside
Your Prejudice

AND COME to US With a desire to
learn why it is not to your interest to
carry high priced insurance, and how we
can furnish you just as safe insurance
for at least 40 per cent. year less than the
other costs, we are sure we can show you
to your satisfaction that the MUTUAL
RESERVE FUND LIFE ASSOCIA-
TION of New York does business on
plan that is absolutely safe, and will pro-
tect your loved ones even better than
they now are, at even greater cost to
to you. Of course if you are too preju-
high price you are now paying makes
your insurance better or safer, or better
than it would be at less cost, we can't do
anything for you but will be forced to
let you 60 on until time, the crucial
tester, convinces you, against your will,
that you have been deceived.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08

A BATTLING DIsEAsE.-The de-
voted husband, with the aged physl
clan, stood by her bedside. They hac
done all that human skill could do
but in vain. 1t was evident that 6
human life was ebbing away.
With an agonized gesture the hus
band turned to the man of medicine
"Can you do nothing more ?" he cried
in despairing entreaty.
The other shook his head silently
"NIy skill is baffied," he said. Gal
my tests have failed to disclose the
nature of the malady. If only
knew"
Suddenly she opened her eyes. "I
is my birthday tomorrow" she gasped
"My husband has bought me. present
and"
The words came slowly.
"I'm-just-dying-to-see-it."
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08

THE DIFFERENCE.-Writing in the
Pail Mall Magazine about the year
1897, and touching upon the use Of
the word "jubilee" in connection with
it, Mr.. A. Quiller- Couch tells an anec'
dote which, one suspects, is more
amusing than truthful. An old lady
dwelling on the skirts Of DartmooI
was asked, "What is the meanin' o.
this yer jewbilee ?" "Well, my dear, .
she answered, "'tis this way-if you've
been married to a man so years, and
the mans alive, tits golden weddin'
if he's dead, tits jewbilee."
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08
If You Have
No Insurance, :

And think you should have. we would be
pleased to explain the Mutual Reserve
System to you. The Mutual Reserve is
the largest and strongest natural premi-
um company in the world, and the fourth
largest of ANY KIND. 1t has paid
about $3.50, 900 to the widows and orphans
of deceased policy-holders in South Car
lima alone, during the past twelve years,
and if all the insurance now carried in
old line companies in the state was in the
Mutual Reserve, not less than $4O0, 900,
which now annually goes into the Golfers
of the former, would be left in the state
to help relieve the hard times about which
we hear so much.
SAM NJ. & L. GEO. GRIST,
General Agents, York Vile, s. c.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08

s9 A scientific paper describes how
to make ice on small scale. Touch
the convex side of a watch crystal up
on water, so as to leave drop hang
ing on the glass. Pour a little ether
on the concave, and blow upon it.
The rapid evaporation of the ether
will render the glass so cold that the
drop of water will be frozen.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08
CONNECTIONS.

CONNECTIONS.
No. 32 has connection with Southern
Railway at Rock Hill, and the s. A. L. at
Catawba Junction.
Nos. "a and IS will carry passengers.
Nos. II and IL have connection at Marion
with Southern Railway.
At Roddeys, Old Point, Kings Creek
and London, trains stop only on signal.
8. B. LUMPKIN, G. P. A.
A. TRIP, Superintendent.
SAML HUNT. General Manager.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08

of Blumenthal & Bickart, Atlanta, had
been blacklisted by the state board of
control for offering Shipping Clerk
QUITS 25 cents per case for sending out
his goods in preference to the liquors
sold by other firms, and which had
been ordered by the county dispensers {;
that Mr.. QUITS had first consented to
this proposition, but afterwards Bick-
art came to him and stated that he
could only pay but 10 cents per case,
as he found the profits too close. 1t
was then that Mr.. QUITS went to Mr..
L. J. Williams and complained that
Bickart was trying to bribe him. Mr..
Bickart was summoned before the
board and stated that he had made
the proposition to pay QUITS. Where
upon his firm was blacklisted. My
informant then went on to say that
Mr.. Bickart, after he found out that
his house could not sell the state any
more goods, stated that he wanted to
supplement his first testimony, and
insinuated that QUITS consented to re-
ceive the bribe of 25 cents, but had
only "blowed on him" when he re-
duced the proposition to 10 cents.
Mr.. Bickart came to appear before
the board, but one of the members Ia
friend of Mr.. Ouzts) objected to his
being heard. Now, the inference
drawn was that had not Mr.. QUITS
first consented to take the 25 cents per
case, why did Mr.. Bickart come Sec
ond time to make lower offer? AS
perhaps every county dispenser in the
state will testify, it is, or has been, the
hardest work to get their orders for
whiskys filled, as sent in, for other
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08

IIUIyj yOUt 1IlOuUJ -
P. S.-Why huve you cut me off
from your exchange list? I have not
seen a copy of The Constitution since
Christmas. Also send me sample
copy of your evening daily. Of course
this letter is strictly confidential.
Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1897-05-08
WHEN YOU WANT

ITO have your PHOTOGRAPH taken,
l. you should not fail to come and see
me. have been in the picture taking"
business for a great many years, and am
confident that know my business. 1t
has always been my desire to please my
customers. am prepared to take Photo
graphs in the latest styles and at reason
able prices.
HAVE YOU ANY
Photographs that you would like to have
enlarged? If you have, come and see me
about it. can do the work.
IF YOU DO NOT KNOW
Where my Photograph Gallery is, ask
anyone in town and they can tell you.
DURING THE WINTER,
You will find my Gallery warm and
pleasant. Come and see me whenever
you need photographs. Respectfully,
J. r. SCHORB.
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1897-02-23

bitterness and personal accusation
concerning the Pacific railroad fund
Ing bill. Today another opportunity
for display of temper and recrimina-
tion on the same subject was given in
the consideration of paragraph in
the deficiency bill appropriating $l,300,-
600 to pay a judgment of the court of
claims in favor of the Southern Pa
cific. but the matter was considered
in a rather dgnified manner with
merely a suggestion of feeling. MIR.
Sayres, of Texas. led the opposition,
taking the ground that the Southern
Pacific controlled the Central Pacific
road and should not be paid any money
while the latter stood so deeply indebt-
ed to the government. The house in
committee of the whole refused to
strike out the paragraph in question
and also declined to make some minor
amendments designed to curtail the
benefits conferred by the bill on the
Pacific railroads. Later on Mr.. Sayres
endeavored to have the deficiency bill
sent back to the committee on appro-
priations, with instructions to strike
out the Pacific railroad paragraph, but
was defeated on a yea and nay vote.
Inc ueIclency Dill was pdSSeu WIFI lew
changes in it's provisions. The appro-
priation of $4,000 to refund to mem
bers sums deducted from their salaries
for absence was eliminated, as were
likewise items providing for the pay
ment of annual salaries to the special
employees conceded the Democrats by
the majority.
No exercises in celebration of WASH
ington's birthday took place in the
house,