Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-10-31
In STORE CLOTHES
THE IDLEn SIGNS FOR A BRAND
NEW OUTFIT.
WILL MEYER HAVE ANOTHER.
The PecuIiaritief of 0ur English
Language-A Word I'm Behalf OF
American Hogs-something New
for Infants.

from the sole Of my head to the crown
or my foot-nay. new from the skinsiue
inside to the weather-beaten outside
Not that do not now occasionally add
to my habiiiments, but the low price at
which journalistic wisdom Is dispensed
renders II necessary for me TO make the
addenda ON tho instalment plan. For IN
stance, the day I startle the denizens
OF Cary street with a new coat and trou-
sers l realize that my shoes are mashed
out OF shape. and that the heels thereof
are ground away. Then, by the time
the willy boot merchant has invelgled me
into the purchase of my footgear l note
the storms of twelve months on my hat,
aud ere its successor is purchased my
cuffs are frayed around the edges like
n table napkin, while my collar bores
my fabby Jaws with its frazzled edges.
Thus there is a continual rotation OF
old and new clothes, but never, never
can / sufficiently marshal my assets TO
make one overwhelming appearance with
the whole new outfit. In my opinion, IL
would be a grand and glorious feeling 10
know that | could faint anywhere L
pleased on the streets, and have all the
people examine me inside and outside,
without making shocking revelations.
I'ut yourself In my position, and suppose
they could even remove your shoes ana
find your feet I'm holeless socks, or
snatch off your coat, and see that your
shirt possessed both sleeves. suppose,
again, for tho sake Of INDUCING In a
temporary luxury, that your vest on
such an inventory would show all the
nd hat
raised by sympathizing on-lookers, would
reveal no darned places and no evidences
OF terrific wear. Suppose, also-just for
the sake of the glorious sensations such
suppositions produce-that the public
could have carte blanche TO inspect your
suspenders. and that an examination
thereof would fail to show that they
were made of Irvine, or patched together
with old garters. But let US not in
dulge In these vain and Idle longingsl
1t is only when we get married, and
are on our wedding tours that we can
stand the searchlight OF public investiga-
ton, and know that we are fully pre-
pared to faint Unfortunately. and al
low our corset-stsys to be cut by the
enterprising bachelors who run to our
assistance
From feelings OF delicacy I have not
dared to ask my lady friends If they
have the Same instalment plan system of
adding to their garments but in rly
mind there is a lurking suspicion that
| they do. Well do / recall the dav when
| / saw a young lady and her bicycle go
| down together on the stern, cold cobble-
| stones, and while / fain would not have
| looked an irresistible interest Of the
| fatherly sort compelled me Ito risk one
| eye'' on her embarrassed state. Ex-
ternally that girl was as gorgeous as a
| peafowl. but the bicycle, the cobble-
stones. and the fall compelled her to
reveal hosiery which was as perforated
as a Confederate battle-fag. From be-
meath my twlne suspenders my heart leap
| ed out In sympathy for her. and prohting
| by her direful experience. l resolved
| from that time forth and evermore. TO
wear socks on all occasions. and to ba
prepared for emergencies like unto hers.
When a certain very worthy Baptist
preacher OF Richmond went to Paris and
| heard the children speaking French, he
was amazed at their precocity and mar
yelled that they could accomplish a feat
which was utterly beyond his power
And yet they are not mich more mar
vellous than our youngsters who speak
the English, for verify II is language
that keeps one guessing at all hours.
II ever / am forced to resort to that
cowardiy expedient known as beating
| the devil around the stump" II ~ when
undertake to daily with that language
which was the only legacy bequeathed
me by my horny-hsted Hanover ances-
tors. Frequently. when / am in the
midst of my most exciting conversations,
1 find myself hedged in by doubts and
| am forced to steer clear Of certain words
and expressions, which / am sure would
entangle me in labyrinthian errors and
disgrace my public-school teachers For
| instance, ! am never quite certain whe-
Their one sits" down or "sets" down.
| and consequently / am forced TO make
all the people to whom I refer take a
seat or draw up a chair" / hesitate
| whether to differ with" or "differ from
person. and consequently I have to
disagree with him" j don't even know
| whether a man can make ''grammati-
| cal error (the word means sin accord
ancc with the rules Of grammar'). and
so / have to dodge around and say he
murders the Queens English" or some
thing OF like effect, which artfu,iy con-
| ceals my ignorance. / never know whe-
Their to speak Of a baby as ''he." she"
| or 'it." especially when l wish to make
its parents think that I am thoroughly
familiar with it's LIES history. yet In
truth am ignorant of Its sex. IL Q female
| god Is goddess" ard female actor
is an actress why Isn't female cook
a 'cookess" and female lawyer a
'1awyeress"
Everybody laughed when a small girl
| In the public schools. with conscious
| pride In her wisdom. gave as the defini-
ton of the word "leviathan" the express
sion pertaining 10 the tribe of Levi"
Society chuckled. too. when the OLD lady
whose daughter had just returned from
Paris. spoke of her as "a lite q Parasite"
And yet I'll bet pie 10 corn bread
| that those same people were lodging
around the next minute to keep from
exposing their own ignorance of the
| principal parts OF irregular verbs or the
declensions of certain pronouns.
The popularity OF the American hog
| (genus "porcrs" not homo" I mean
appears to be by no means on the wane
| In fact, statistics show that his at
Effectiveness Is on a steady increase. and
| that he nils long-feIt want in our ma
| tion--to wit. an aching void. According
| TO the World Almanac or 1897. %. &c., 90
| hogs were slaughtered In the year end
| Ing March I. 1856. and Of this number
I, Chicago sent 6.fso.1o to chant In the
/ choir invisible. Computing our popuia-
! ton ut 5o.ooD.ooo. that allows each Of us
| about one third OF pig annually. and
| this even includes the babies, who are
! supposed not 10 include such food on
| their bIiis Of fare. All this goes to prove
| the words of the song that "ham-bone
/ Ga awful ordeal for the hog. The words
- a. $500 uoroca--ssr1s,{cn ~ Hn4op.xun