The News-Herald. [volume] (Hillsboro, Highland Co., Ohio) 1886-1973, 1897-04-15
MODERN WARSHIPS.
An Old Sailors Opinion Of Uncle
Sans New Navy.
He says the Mariner of To-day Might
ms Well lie a Harlem JanitOr
What He Expects
to See.

nc Suys tne mariner Oh IO.Dey M18nt
ms Well lie a Harlem Janitor
What He Expects
to See.
frequent in perusing the papers, I
see how no able seamen won't ship in
these new cruisers, though the navy
wants 'em bad," Bill Barnacle re-
marked, looking over tabulated list
of disasters to Uncle Sans white squad
ron.
"I've noticed the same complaint re-
garding the scarcity of men," said the
lubber. "Seems to me sailor would
take pleasure in wearing a beautiful
uniform and cruising in one of those big
white ships. Why don't they enlist?"
1T is singular how curious wy they
don't, as mariners is supposed to be
proper FOOLS" Bill replied, thoughtfully.
"They must be prejudiced, take it,
against these here battleships wot sinks
sometimes afore the mooring chains is
cast off at the dock. Blow me, if I'd
sign in no floating machine shop wot's
liable to swamp or turn turtle if they
ever gets her into deep water. Look
wot's already happened to the feet, and
some of the blooming hookers amt
never been away from the dock, either.
did"
Mr.. Darnacle paused in absolute dis
gust to ruminate on the disgraceful
conduct of our war ships.
"This here navy amt wot it used to
be-" he went on, somewhat sadly. "No
proper outand-out A. B. can sling his
dreaming sack in one of these here
findy sickle cruisers and be happy.
Boilermakers, machinists and painters
is wot they want these days. Wot's the
use of sailors when there amt no ropes,
no rigging and no hauling and climbing
nothing but electric buttons and
hydraulics and similar gear, wot gets
out of order and busts regular? Boat
davits is the only ropes. No decks to
holystone and not a smudge of tar from
stem to stern. Wy, blow me down, if
the camphor in the dress suits of squad
midshipmen isn't the only thing an able
seamon can smell aboard them ships"
"Have you ever sailed in one of the
modern battle ships?" asked the lubber.
"No," said Bill, "and likewise won't,
but knowed marines wot has. They
tells me that with continual painting
and wiping it off accidentally with their
clothes and losing thumbs in patent
gun gear and acting proper polite they
might as we'll be janitors in Harlem.
Wot's the use of signing as A. B. in q
ship where you walks to the mast,
presses button and rides up to the
main topmost in a blooming elevator
Next we hear of barber shops and res
taurants and life insurance offices in
the fighting tops, and likewise are
studios and weather bureaus. When
hollow masts with elevators takes the
place of rope ladders and legs, it's time
for the mariner to tie up ashore.
Besides, wot's the sense of going to
the bottom in an iron coffin, or sinking
alongside of docks and being laughed
at by all the lubbers in creation ?
sailors don't throw much swell on land,
but they rates some pride at sea If the
ship behaves herself and gives m a
chance. But wot a. holy show the
Ships always in muggy mess some
where and being logged in the newspa-
pers. Look at 'em on the other side!
There's the coast defender Monterey,
built in San Francisco, to blow war
ships out of the water 20 miles away.
The day she was ready for sea they
hauled her up the bay to Mare island
for more repairs, and run her into a
blooming herring net. For three days
this here terror of the seas hangs in the
net, with her propellers fouled in the
snarl of meshes, while the dago fisher.
men cussed frightful. Farmers and
duck shooters comes off in boats and
gives the able seamen the horse laugh,
while divers is below clearing away
dead herring and busted net"
"That was terrible" the lubber mur-
INJURED, sympathetically.
Likewise the survey boat Ranger
makes a show of herself" Bill con-
tinued, with disgust oozing from every
pore. "Sixty machinists work six
months repairing the Ranger for a trip
to Alaska. She gets under way and is
II days making Port Townsend, Wash
AL this time her vitals is humping day
and night. Nobody can sleep, and the
engineers roasts their blooming ears
listening at hot steam chests and iron
bulkheads to locate this here pounding
just as she crawls into port the Ranger
breaks down. They overhauls the en-
gines and finds a eight-pound monkey
wrench in the main cylinder, left there
by the brainy bosses at Mare Island
So the government charters a tug al
5000 per day, to tow the Ranger back to
them turtles for more repairs.
'"These here samples" concluded Bill
with ripping string Of oaths, sis wy
I claim the navy is proper delusion
and likewise fake."-N. Y. journal.