Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-11-14
[iI31LSlSl
THAT'S THE STUFF.
THE IDLER PHILOSOPHERS ON
THE POWER OF YELLOW GOLD.
HOW VIZ FEEL WHEN RICH.
Municipal Liquidation and Mutual
DamnatiOn-Law Books and the
Mishap of Tucker Cooley Doe, At
torney mt Law.

Some years ago a man never known
to tell a lie-or, rather, to be detected
in one, which Is just as ~good-related a
remarkable piece of strategy to me. His
tale was about a horse-trader who used
to put spectacles on his broken-down
plugs and then sell them at immense
figures. These superannuated beasts,
when once they had the lenses adjust
ed to their intellectual brows, stepped
so high that people thought they had
as much blue blood in their veins as
Lady Clara Vers de We're. II turned
out upon investigation, however, that
the spectacles had powerful magnifying
glasses in them, and as the scab-backed
steeds pranced along they imagined that
every pebble in the road was as large
as q hogshead
Now, when / have money ION my
Clothes" my gait is very much like the
horses above alluded to. / step high.
My own Importance Is magnifed until i
tower aloft a veritable Rock OF Gibral-
tar in my own imagination. True, L
have hardly had enough attacks of the
peculiar sensation to really be we'll
posted, but the few occasions when l
thus gloated in my self-aggrandizement
nave left deliciously soothing memories
IN my brain. Those were the days
when the sun shone bright, even though
rain were actually falling. Nay, those
were tie times when mud. II any there
were, was as sweet as the custard In
potato-pie. 1t was on such occasions Is
these that 1 spurned the Democratic
party because 1t preached evil times,
and said that farmers were born
croakers. Would, oh! would that l had
a photograph OF those happy days. or
even a stenographic report OF my pro-
ceedings, when 1 thus jostled together
the triumphant eagles In my pocket and
feared not lest they slip through
the holes thereof into the cavernous re-
cesses Of my hosiery. Would that l
could again sniff the sweetness OF the
accumulated grease on the American
greenback or gnaw the corrugated edges
Of a s. gold piece.
Where are the dear. dead friends who
were about me tnen? Where are the
chappies that sm"fa me cordially on
the back, and with me to the
fnish-that Is, 4 lie finish or my
money? Where a.e the smiles that
greeted me when the domestic hoard
ing sock was plethoric, and we even
gave counterfeit coins to the orphans?
Alas and alack; also. hully-gee and gee
whillikins, they have all disappeared
and wandered, and 'mongst strangers
made their homes" The noses that once
dipped into our Brunswick stew as the
house-hies buzzed around our hospitable
board are now erected in silent scorn as
we pass, and recognition Is a thing
of the long ago. The youngsters who
kindly called me "old man" nave scatter
II Inx1 aOpl~ oolyo1 IN nnntrfhpfA To a
public enterprise, and the more mature
ones who addressed me as MY boy
nave skipped even as the recalcitrant
earwig fees before a broom. Sweet
female faces, and likewise female fGces
that were not sweet. beamed on me in
those halcyon days n joyously assisted
me in overcoming such obstacles as ac-
cumulated ice-cream or s~uperabundance
of Marechal Neil roses. Now these same
faces are contorted with scorn at the
pattern of my baby-carriage, which was
purchased years ago, yet still finds oc-
casion to roll on through the scurrying
years. Gone! gone! gone!-not going.
going. going-but gone! gone! gone!
Friends and m~oney-they came together.
hand in hand, and deserving me, they ran
a race. and the result was a tie Now
indeed is the Rock of Gibraltar the only
pebble on the beach, and soon will 1t be
sucked in by the undertow.
That's the way we s%oliloquize when we
strike rock bottom and find that expert
ence" Is the only Item credited to our
accounts. Then 1t Is that we blaspheme
the man who first put "E p~luribus" ETC.,
ON the silver dollar, and endorse the sem
timents of the fellow who thought the
Inscription should be "E Fewibus Unum."
But let us nave a sudden accession OF
wealth, or even a small aviary Of Ameri-
can eagles, then bounce" go our spirits,
and with rubber elasticity our emotions
Jump aloft. We step high. The old
gait comes back to us-in fact, it's darned
hard to forget. Philanthropy fills our
souls, but 1t is principally philanthropy
towards ourselves. We keep thinking
how richly we deserve IL all. And OFT
times do we tell ourselves that true
merit will invariably win" and all those
other wise maxims emanating from peo-
pie who inherit wealth. We puff up like
pouter pigeons, and as we ambls along
the thoroughfares a mighty, surging feel
ing Of superiority comes over us. Some
how we can't help being just a little bit
ofhsh" towards poor folks who haven't
got a single attractive feature, Unless 1t
be their unique pessimism. When we
see some poor devil who is f~retfullv walt
ing for his day to come. we regard him
as a natural enemy. who hates US be-
cause, forsooth. our merit has brought
us wealth. And just about this time
we find ourselves feeling strangely chari-
table towards the other people who have
money, and we say the rich are o much
abused class. But nov we can AFFORD 10
be particular for the friends who once
dispersed and wandered are resurrected
and back 10 us again. We can take our
pick. We are at our zenith, and nave
reached that period when there Is no
banana peel on our pathway In life Ana
even supposing there were, there would
De people to kick II away. The nrst
hing we forget Is our pristine poverty.
and the next our poor relations. ON
money, filthy lucre. hated bait OF devils
how / despise you (when other people
rave YOU. 1t was only last week tnat
( spurned the manager Of this paper when
he brought me coin. 1t was oniy last
week that / hurled back into his teeth the
,ordid stuff that he would have had me
AXE and bade him begone. IL was eniy
asst week that I said to him. In burning
gords: Take back thy gold" The coin
ne offered me was spurious.
Kick, kick. kick! Rip. snort, grumble.
nd growi. You're a blooming IDIOT and
m another! That's the way we discuss
nun.cipal. legislation and the things our
sity Council do and don't do. First us
he appropriation for sewers and the re-
)ort thereof in tho newspapers. and tnen
rs the cards that are published pro and
an oSenexp 9rits hiR teeth rs he hurls