Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1897-10-09
What PHILOSOPHERS DooIey Says.

From the Chicago Evening Post
Il wondher what in all ails Mckinley ?"
said Mr.. Hennessy.
What about?' demanded Mr.. Dooley.
THAT he don't open up war again Spain, -
said Mr.. Hennessy.
Il dor't know, I'm sure" Mr.. Dooley re-
Joined. He'd ought to, that's sure. Here
is Cuba bein' depop'lated an rooned an
here ARE We smokin cigars made in Wis
consin an our commerce bein' destroyed
an all TIL big type in tn newspapers wear
in out an yet no fight. 1t can't be that
he's afeerd. We wud ate Spain UP in a
day, we wud indeed. Look at our ray
soorces. Look at tth men We cud put in
tn field; FitzsimnIoDs, tn Boston base ball
nine, tn Clan-na-Gael Gya-ards, tn Engle-
wood Cadets an Joseph NEEDLE, tn editor
iv tn Thrybune! Cud amy totterin' dy-
Easty iv Europe overcome that martial
array, as tn fellow says. Yes, 1 know they
have some brave editors in Spain--as gal
liant lot iv 1a-ads as liver slung a pen.
But they're not in the same class with our
sojers. TIL columns iv their pa-apers ain t
SO long. They can't do tn sthrat-ee-See
that good American editor is brought Up
Mckinley ought to rely upon thin more
thin he does. He's not got tn thrue spirit
an they're til la-ads to give it to him. He
wastes too much time in paiaverin'. He
sinds over Ginral Woodford to say to TIL
|
Tresints his compliments to ye an wants
to know if ye won't lie SO kind TO come
to some arrangement in Cuba, he says.
Thin iv-rybody takes a fresh light an
waits. Bimeby tn queen comes in an says
she: PRESENT to Misrher Mack renewed
assurances iv me mos distinguished con-
sheraton an tell him to go to blaZes,' she
says. I'll communicate ye'er majesty 5
roar at wanst,' says Woodford. Whin he
rayturns he says: TIL Prisdint desires
me to convince We iv his more thin fatherly
affection, TO assure we that ye'er tn Only
girl he liver really cared fr, but he's sorry
even date that he has other engagements
that'u prevint him firm accepIin'.' An SO
it goes an nawthin' is done.
Now, if we left it 20 tn new spa-apers
they'd be no small talk Woodford'd so
over 10 tn widow woman with wan small
child. an him a king, an he'd say: Look
here, we don't want no more nonsense see!
viii ye give us Cuba. or will we take it eff
ye? An if she rayfused, thin tn Prisi-
dintd call out TIL Mulligan Gya-ards an
til Aurora Zouaves an Father Macchew's
Fife an Dhrum Corpse an tn Civic Feath-
Grafton an tn Woman's Club au' all tn
l-rest iv our fghtin' strength, an he'd con-
front tn Spanyard with solid, warlike COL
uInns Nv tn Thrybune an he'd nail Cuba
an IN few years we'd have tn island
prosperous an happy an d be rasin' our
own supplies iv yellow fever 'st4ad iv in
porthin thin firm abroad.
Nv hat cud Spain do? Wan good editor
cCd blow all her hundred ships into
snitheceens with a single article On circu-
lation and tn Spanish ARMY iv wan hun
cnred thousan' mend crumble Eefure tn
gallant char-rge iv wan American lack
man. You betcher life.
w hen tn movement 10 free Ireland be
f:eein' quantities iv linuymice was goi,,'
on, a man be tn name iv Grady had a
pa-aper he called TN Explosive down on
Hdlsted sthreet. 1t was i pathri.e na-aper
an II ADVISED me an others FIR to go
tccsure iv Great Britain. l didn't go. But
wan day 1 got me a small piece tv gas pine
pi1sSeh at both inds with fuse in wan
an took Dorsey down with me TO see
Grady Misther Grady says /. Pm goin
over. l says Good, says he. That's
right he says. IT'S Only through TIL
courage an fidelity iv her sons shat Ire
land can be freed. Are We fixed with III
stun? he says 1 am says l. an pulled
u gas pipe He TURNED white as his
Shirt Take that out he says Take il
away firm here, or Ill-Ol, merciful now
ers, that l should have let this loonatic
INTO me office. Take it away 1 tell We.
e needn't be afraid 1 says. I'm very
Careful. I'll give it to Dorsey. Here. Tim
an tossed tn gas pipe TO him. Grady
give scream Nv turror an in two leaps
was at tn window. Another van took Kim
to tn sthreet, an II was a whole dav he
fCre he cud be injoced to come back He
changed tn pa-aper into an organ iy til
undhertakers' association
An what iv it?" said Mr. Hennessv
Nawthin'," said Mr.. Dooley "On'y if
we go TO war with Spain we don't want to
lean too har-rd on tn editors We NAV
need other assistance"