The Springfield herald., 1897-10-15
BOB AND HIS WHEEL.
THE, HvMoRlsr TELLS TALE.
How He Tackled His Bike with Confidence
and Left 1t In Confusion-What 1t Did
to Him.

Robert Burdette, the famous humor
ist, in a letter to the Burlington Hawk
eye, denies the report that he Is dead,
in the following letter. dated Bryn
Mawr. The story Is told in his own Pc
culiar style, and proves that the hui
morist is very much alive. although
somewhat worsted by his experience
with the bike:
My Dear Waite:-Like the true friend
and loyal comrade you ever were, You
do right to protest against my burial
prior to autopsy.
1 am indeed very much alive. Not on
ly so, l havn't been dead even a little
bit. Not once. Could have been had I
wanted to be. Could be yet, but don't
want. Maybe I ought to Ike, even now.
But as we make weekly confession.
1--WE have left undone those things
which we ought to have done"
Possibly the rumor that have gone
dead grew out of the fact that l have
learned to ride a bicycle. l say ''have
learned" not "am learning" Learned
in one lesson. all by myself. Went out
in the moonlight last Friday night to
learn, having first locked my family in
the house and forbade them to look out
of the windows. Led my bicycle out
on the turnpike-the Bryn Mawr pixies
are broader than the way to destruc-
ton, twice as smooth and much clean
er. It's n young bicycle. a colt-fOaled
in '97. Would give the name but for
the fact that had to pay for the wheel.
Will only say. therefore in accordance
with the ethics of our profession, that
it is not the wheel anybody says 1t is.
I held him by the withers right in the
middle of the road, and mounted with
ont assistance
1 dismounted in the same independ-
ent manner.
Got on again and proceeded to break
him to saddle.
Did I ride the first time?
Well. say!
People had told me-liars of all ages
and both scxes-that I couldn't fall IT,.
when felt that was falling I would
stick out my foot.
stuck out both feet and hands and
fell on my head.
fell on one side of that diabolical
wheel and then on the other; fell on
both sides at once: fell on top of 1t
and underneath 1t. and made "dOg-
falls" with it, | fell between the
wheels; fell behind the wheel and be-
fore the front wheel at the same time
and don't know vet how I did it. l fell
and thrust both legs through the spokes
of one wheel. I met n terrified man in
buggy and drove him clear Off the
pike through Whcelers hedge. and I
don't think he has yet come back. Ev-
cry time fell l slapped the palms of
my raw. swollen. throbbng hands on
the hard. ''inelastic" pike except the
time | fell on my head. l fell harder
and with greater variety Of landing
than any man could fall. unless he
dropped out of balloon and lit in n
load of furniture. lost my confidence,
my patience. my temper, my clamps.
lamp. bell and reputation. i broke one
pedal. the saddle and the ordinance
against loud. boisterous and abusive
language mt night. / ran into every
thing in sight except the middle of the
road. / sat down OH everything in the
township except the saddle. l scorch-
s4l in circuit not fifteen feet in circum-
ference until you could smell brim-
stone. made more revolutions than a
South American republic. and didn't
get ten feet away from where l start
ed. ! haven't been so mauled and
ahraided. so thumped and beaten, so
trampled upon and pounded. so bruised
and scratched since left the army. But
can ride. I don't say that "do." bu,
Hcan."
Do I consider hiking good for the
health?
For the health of some people I do
/ don't see how Il physician can bring
up his family unless his children have
something to eat.
But in my own case reserve my de
cision. will wait until know wheth
er l am going to die or get we'll. And
do you tell Brother Davis to keep his
obituary on the standing galley until
he hears from "Slug Nine" don't he.
lieve I've got go" yet, although friends
who called to see me break
down when they say goodbye" and
walk out of the room on tiptoe. But
wouldn't mind that if knew what had
become of my shoulder-blades the time
I ran under the hay-wagn. Cheerfully
yours.-R. j. Burdette. in Farm Mach
inery.