The Monitor-register., 1897-05-14

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Lady Shopper-"I want to get some
hing suitable for a boy of 10 years."
Salesman-"Slipper counter down in
second aisle; turn to your DISQUALIFICATION
"We gave Jack a surprise party in his
apartments."
"Was it a success p"
Eyes; he got wind of it and wasn't
here. - Chicago Record
x**
Shell never expected to work like
when l married you"
He-''I didn't suppose you cared. You
worked hard enough to get me, didn't
you ?'-Hdianapolis Journal.
~
Glanders-"It is said that paper can be
used effectively in keeping a person
warm"
Gazlay-"That is very true. 1 remem-
Der a thirty day note of mine once kept
me in a sweat for a month ."-Harlem
Life.
~
Wickwire-"Have you beer following
Timmins' career lately? He has written
several short articles full of promise"
Mudge-'So have l, but l haven't been
able to pay any of them yet."-hdiGn-
apolis Journal.
Doctor-"Now, Pat, I'll cure you if
you'll take the medicine l prescribe"
Pat-"Go ahead. sor. Oi'm thot an
xious to be well sg'n Ord take yer medi.
cine aven if Oh knowed 'twould kill me-"
-PhilG. Record.
Miss Ten Strike-"Well, what did
papa say ?"
~Percy-"Oh, he said there had never
been a fool in the Ten Strike family yet,
but that if you married me there would
be two."- TWinkles.
x*
Parson-"Do you take this woman for
better or worse?"
Bridegroom-"Wal, 1 swow, parson,
now you've got me; her folks think Pm
taking her fer better, an my folks think
Pm takin' her fer worse."-Puck.
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Dusty Dan-"Wots dis spring fever
dat you hear so much about ?"
Rowing Rube-'In tell yer. De igno-
rant lsborin' classes has er fallscy dat
dere's a time of year dat er man hates ter
work more'n udd ers-dat's spring fever"
-Tto5nEleS.
Inquirer-"My man, do you consider
your way of life a healthy one?"
Tramp-"Don't know about that; but
l know a chap has to be healthy to be in
it. Just think of the many different
styles of cooking we have to put up
with."-Boston Transcript.
Nv
Gall that ails you," said the plain
spoken man, sis laziness. 60 to the
ant, thou sluggard. Consider her ways
and be wise"
II guess I'll have to-" sighed young
Ardup. "I've gone to my uncle so often
there's nothing left that l can get a ce nj
on. - Chicago Tribune.
~
81 tell you," said tho man who is al
ways excited, ''the world is on the verge
of another revolution"
THAT'S true," replied his friend, who
keeps cool.
"And there's no telling where it will
end"
"Oh, yes, there is. 1t will end In
t~wenty-four hours s, and start right over
again, the same as usual."- Washington
Star.
~
What kind of language was that you
were talking to baby, just now, mammal"
Said little Ethel.
"That's baby talk my DEAR" replied
her mother.
"And did l once understand that, man.
map"-Yonkers Statesman.
~
Nellie Chaffie-sI Just hate April"
Birdie McGinnis-"Why so? Because
it's too showery?"
Nellie Chafie-"Oh, l don't mind the
rain. But it is such a horrible misft
month. It's too late in the year for oys-
ters and too early for ice cream."-Tam
mGny Times.
Maude-Eye rybody was telling me how
homely l was looking, but Charley told
me he never saw me when l looked
better. I'd give more for Charley's
opinion than for everybody else's.
Bertha-Yes; but in this case his
opinion seemed to be the same as every
body else's.-BO ston Transcript.
~
Crimsonbesk - Sprocket was telling
some remarkable stories OF the speed he
made on his new wheel.
Yeast-Well, you know, Sprocket can
lis as fast as a horse can trot.
"Well, l don't know about that, but
l do know that he can lie faster than his
bicycle can go.''-YOnkers Statesman.
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Il see there has been a machine
patented which records every time a man
moves" said Juniper.
swell, it would put the machine to
a pretty good test if it was tried on some
of my tenants. " said Flatte, the landlord.
-Yonkers Statesman.
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"Let me see" unused the sporting edi.