Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-04-25
THE HORROR OF IT.
THE mLER DESCRIBES THE
MISERY OF A TENANTS LIFE.
SELECTING A DOMICILE AND MOVING.
A sermon TO Women Who Long for
Bicycies-Thcy Are a Severe Test
Of Female beauty, and Expose
Defects.

II the pasriarchai Job had been a tenant
with A nineteenth-cen,ury wife. and had
been compelled once every year 10 hunt
, house at s25 per month, he would soon
have broken that record OF patience which
made him a biblical hero. Now. II there
v one thing above all Others that a
Woman does like. II is a good-looklng
lo.se which makes her friends think she
+ living in the lap OF luxury. she may
be willing TO economic in small things
md 20 allow der husband TO smoke a
n,pe instead OF cigars. but when 1t comes
70 a residence she has a great deal 10
,ay--a great deal too much. in fact. First
VI all. ahere must be the aristocrauc loca-
hon, with nice neighbors, and good we"
hon the windows This location must be
lmong people who really have money
md who in their idle moments amuse
themselves by throwing the lucre at birds.
Il must be in the West End-not too far
nom the dry-goods stores, however and
ret far enough to draw the social line on
hose who live IN the eastern sections.
There must be no small shops around,
ma no conveniences in the way Of news
stands, drugstores. or restaurants
truth. no place wherein masculine neart
would delight.
Secondly. the house itself. though cir
rumscrsbed by a SIS rental, must De a
modern palace. calculated to make out
Nders think that the occupants Thereon
IRE millonaires. and live therein from pre-
ference-not from lack OF cash. There
must be double par,ors opening into
sin.r..-room which displays the family
Silver. trlple-plated and jud!clously ar
hanged 10 attract public attention.
large hallway must be provided. and
front porch in which the chlldren's velocl-
eedes Daby-carri1ges. eXpress-wapns,
bw.ngs, and juvenile paraphernala may
be stored. The kitchen must hang back
4 respectful distance n the rear. and must
be too well ordered 10 emit the smell
pf cooklne cabbage or TO hint that beef
steak and onions are on the programme
FOR dinner. Though not absolutely re-
nuired. a commodious backyard is de-
ursble. Possibly your wife may be fond
d. flowers. and II so, she will probably
wish TO root around in the earth with your
sight-dollar carving-knife. or TO plant vines
VII your jointel fshing-pole.
On the next floor there must be at least
pne waste room in which she may hide
The broken chairs and other lumber from
which she refuses TO part. This place
she VIII also utilize as a repository for
your last years clothes. which she
wishes TO sell without your knowing it,
She realizes you would never penetrate
this sacred domain; that you wouldn't
have the patience TO look for anything
sn IL. The front chamber must be a
model Of elegance not too large for the
carpets you had In the old house. and
vet not so small that your best set of
furniture Will fail 10 show off to ad-
vantage. Above all things. as l have
intiraated before, the windows must
command a wide sweep Of country They
must enable the feminine monarch be-
hind the lace curtains which catch your
tobacco smoke 10 see for squares
around; TO observe pedestrians, and make
inventories Of passing clothes. They
must also so look down in your own
yard that approaching visitors may be
seen and recognized. Sometimes your
wife is technically mot at home" when
she is looking out through that window.
IL is well, inasnuch as everything can
be had for SIS a month. TO get a house
that will afford q good view into other
peoples houses. Much interesting data
nsy be thus accumulated. and there are
moments when you can tell just what
sort Of negligee your neighbors wear.
Such. I'm short, are some OF the things
70 BE- Onsidered when you seek house,
WI aust. OF course be gotten when
70 ld lease expires. The real estate
mca viii listen patiently 10 your wants
anu sin show you just what you desire,
only il lacks the aristocratic location
or the So feature or the windows or
something of that sort. Possibly you
hay find exactly the residence you (as
the thinking apparatus for your wife)
wish. and just as you are gloatlng over
your luck you discover that you must
seize II inmedlately-two months before
The provisions Of your old contract ex-
pire. Your wife. on being told of your
repeated failures, gives snort of mari
tai indignation ana repeats the oft-used
remark that men have absolutely no
sense about business when 1t comes 10
their domestic affairs. In deep humility
you set out again and vainly struggle
10 save yourself from the storm that
awaits failure. At last, in despair. you
give up the ghost and humbiy report your
stupidity. IL is then that tae femi-
nine monarch starts on a tour OF inspec-
ton and terrorlzes tie real estate agents
with her Investigations She visits
scores OF houses. incidentally gaining
much valuable Information about the
former occupants, and invariably dis
covers some defects wAich make the
place undesirable. She comes home and
hints TO you that so year more for
rent would procure you an earthly para
Else. The mere mention Of this much
money inspires You with a hitherto I'M
known courage. and, astounded at your
own bravery. you positively as ert that
not ! cent more than S25 per
month will come from your Golfers for
rent Whereupon the good woman again
goeth forth TO torture the agents. This
time she finds what she wants. and when
she describes ii 10 YOU you discover that
Il lacks several Of the essentials she men
toned 10 you. When YOU mildly men
uon this fact to her. she Indignantly de-
clares that she had expressly told you
that those things were not essential
The house having been secured, the
preparations for moving commence
Men have been known to Gle at such pc
RODS. but far greater numbers Of them
have committed suicide. Under penalty
of divorce. you are forced 10 let your
business remain In charge Of the Office
boy while you assist In transporting the
goods and chattels. Your heart is in
vour mouth es YOU handle the crockery,