The record-union., 1897-12-14

that have been. and to nothingneSS-
Podgers is somewhat radical In his
views, and there are those of very con-
servative mentality who would think,
if they could, that he is crazy. He may
be only odd, but every once in year
or so he expresses an opinion that
looms up like a fly in a pan of milk
When he enters a store to buy any
thing he is certainly eccentric. If ap-
preached or spoken to he moves away
and lodges the statesmen industriously.
He never purchases anything in
package. and avoids particularly cans,
canisters, jars and bottles. Sometimes
he looks at a sack of beans or pota-
toes and feels of it, but after shaking
his head or goes to a ranch, where he
either sees his vegetables gathered or
does it himself If he ever buys any
thing on sale he points it out and says:
I'll take some of that or this" but he
asks no information and reads no al
legations" 1t is believed that when
he is obliged to buy any article of food
at the markets he has no expectation
of getting the thing he pays for. but
merely selects such condiments as are
least likely to contain the more active
and prompt poisons, or such as are 50
cheap as to render adulteration least
profitable to the trade.
Mr.. Podgers has a sort of chemical
laboratory where he analyses such
preparations as he finds on the market
He seems to have no special object in
this research except the protection of
his own life and the lives of his fam
lily. From his standpoint he considers
chemical analysis more economical than
physicians and funerals; While, at the
same time, he has made up a long list
of what he entities Things That PeO
pie Buy to Eat" He says at one time
he named the list Things That Peo-
pie Sell to Cheat" but he finally re-
solved that the former title was the
more euphonious, if not the more cor
rect, expressing some dissatisfaction in
that that the the w0ra cheat did not fill the
In the compilation of his list of things
that people buy to eat, Podgers doubt
less acquired his theory that labels are
libels, and as he grows older he has ex-
tended the scope of his phrase until he
applies it to all sorts of things and con-
dftons. His definition of the word ia
bel' is that it is something more than
name, as it may include many things
under one caption, or that it may mean
anything except what it is supposed TO.
While Podgers is not cynical or in the
least facetious, his system of philoso-
ply borders upon the obscure. Nova
days If he hears of a candidate for Of
flee he asks: How is he labeled? II
there is case in court, instead Of ask
ing the charge, he inQuires What is
the offense labeled? To him the char
acter of a man is his label, and a news
paper, from its name to the titles Of it's
various headlines, is simply labeled so
and SO. In fact, he has extended his
theory so far that if he sees a woman
fashionably attired, or addicted TO
bloomers or a theater hat, he observes
that she is labeled so and so, or has
dispensed with her label, and may be
presumed to be what she endeavors to
be, other things being equal, etc.
In connection with his analysis of
solids and fluids, Podgers is working
what he calls Label Analysis" In
preface he says the word label is only
a corruption of the word libel, the def
milton of the latter word implying the
same thing in a conservative and more
modified sense. His work, sort of re-
vision of the dictionaries and the Eng
lish language, is arranged somewhat as
follows:
SYNONOMY OF THINGS BOUGHT
TO BE EATEN.
Olive Oil-Lard, grease, cotton-seed es-
sence and numerous mixtures.
Baking Powder-Anything white and
effeTyescent when mixed with
breadstuffs.
Flour-Varies according to locality.
Syrup-Any sweet compound not imme-
diately fatal.
Milk-Usually harmless where pure
chalk and clean water can be had.
Coffee-Beans, paste, acorns, sawdust;
refuse chestnuts, bark, chips, etc,
with minerals.
Tea-Chief1y hay, copperas and arsenic.
Cigars-Any surplus vegetation dried,
rolled and drugged. Sometimes
made of waste Manila rope.
Tobacco-Same as above in most of the
States, with syrup and coal tar for
chewing cuds.
tmegs-Formerly whitfield from
wood, now made by machinery.
Spices-Everything pulverized, and
when whole anything else.
Canned Meats-Same as sausage.
Sausa age-Any old thing. except in Chi
cago-there everything.
Canned Fruits-Some kinds are
straight, being the cheapest sub
stance obtainable in California
Whisky-Any infammatory liquid coll
ored according to demand; usually
favored a sad sweet; Dupont street
kind of a smell.
Gum-Chiehy candle grease, scented
and favored with whatever comes
handy.
Fish-Depends on the dealer or restau-
rant keepers imagination.
Patent Medicine-Any unknown thing
animal. vegetable or mineral.
Drugs-Anything
Meats-Depends upon the butchers vo-
cabulary and resources.
Butter, Butterine. Oleomargerine, Cot
tolene-S Synonomus with grease,
that cannot be otherwise disposed
Of
Beer-Water, with various things to
suit the public taste.
Podgers does not confine his lexicon
to foods bought, but extends his inves-
legations over a wide field Under the
caption of 'Libels on Public Institu-
tions," he deduces. the following:
Schools-A congregation of fish.
CoIleges-Fossil museums.
Churches Temporal places Of rest and
refuge for the weary.
Asylums-A social convenience.
Prisons-The goal of the victims of ex-
perimental civilization.
The Press-An index Of the power of