davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
BARBER SHOP STORIES.
Peculiar Things Men Do When They &C
to Get Shaved.

Peculiar 1hlnSb Mch ~ "ASh AAos -
to Get Shaved.
Funny and often embarrassing
things happen in barber shop sad
fine barber. as he sawed away on Star
reporters face. You see that man
standing out there. Two years ago he
came in here one night, got a shave
and went out. In q few minutes he
returned and asked me if l had seen
his diamond scarf pin. He said it must
have been pulled out by the towel
around his neck. / searched, but found
nothing, and he went out. He came
back in an hour and again inquired i'll
such a manner as to arouse my anger.
To satisfy him, l stopped work, with q
house full of men waiting for shaveS,
and searched everything, even going
into the old hair lying around. He
went away and returned again. 1asked
him if he was sure he had worn it, and
he said he would swear he had it on
when he walked in my shop. / almost
had a fight with him about it. He went
out at last, and I never saw him again
until Monday morning. Then he ac-
l<nowledged that he had found the pin
in his trunk.
"AnOthcr time a young man, the son
Of tailor, came in. [ noticed that he
had an odd-looking overcoat on, but I
said nothing. When he went to leave
he said some one had taken his overcoat.
asked him if the coat hanging on the
rack was not the one he had worn to
the shop. He most solemnly protested
that it Was not. and threatened to raise
disturbance if he did not get his coat.
About that time his father walked in
and inquired about the trouble. He
examined the coat and found that it was
his, and that his son had worn it with
cut noticing it. That saved me some
trouble.
Zone night man came in, took off a
light Overcoat and sat in the chair to be
shaved. Then another man came in,
and also took off light overcoat, which
| he hung on the rack. Number got up
and put on No. IS overcoat. There was
an immediate dispute, but No. claimed
that it was his. He persisted in his
claim, and was told by No. that if he
wore the coat away he would be ar
rested. He did so, anyhow, and the
next thing was that No. 1 was in the
hands of policeman, and was begging
US to say he did not intend to steal the
overcoat. He had hard work getting
out of the matter. [ never could see
/ how he could have been honestly mis-
taken. but he might have en."-Wash-
/ ington Star.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
UNEQUAL ANATOMY.
Strange Differences in the Eyes and Other
Parts Of the Body.

Parts Of the Body.
Some curious features are noted in
the inequality in size and influence of
corresponding parts of the human body.
The ears on the same head are probably
more alike than any other of the twin
organs of the body. Nevertheless, they
vary as regards thickness, length, shape
and position most remarkably in differ
ent individuals. If the ear, however,
on one side is delicate in size and con-
tour, the other will be the same, while
Ell duplicates it in form and color. But
with the eye it is different. To say
nothing of the fact that one eye is gen
orally more open than the other, all
Cculists agree that the cases where
the seeing powers of the two are equal
i'll the same head are very rare. Usually
men use the right eye the most. Watch
makers, engravers, microscOpists and
mariners using the telescope apply
their right eye to the instrument and
generally overwork that organ. There
is no good reason why both eyes should
not be equally strong, but they are not.
Tailors agree that the right shoulder
is almost always lower than the left.
This they account for by the universal
habit men have of resting the left ell
bow on the desk while writing, and to
the equally prevalent practice Of those
who carry heavy burdens resting them
on the right shoulder.
AS regards the arms and legs, there
is generally but slight difference. In
tho size of the hands and feet there is
commonly great variation, and, curl
ously enough, while it is the right hand
that is generally bigger, it is the left
foot that often requires a larger sized
boot or shoe. Glovemakers give the
proportion of large right hands as 300 to
1000, which, by the way, apProNimates
to the proportion of right per-
sons in the community. The size OF
the hand is generally increased by Ia
Dor. If ladies are to be trusted as to-
the size of the gloves they wear, the hui
man hand has grown smaller within the
last 20 years. But glovers tell Il differ
eDt story. They confess to making all
ladies' gloves half size smaller than
they really are. This, they say, is be-
cause ladies almost invariably ask for
a size smaller glove than they should
wear.
There is nearly always a difference
in the size of the hands. This is so
marked that the glove That fits the right
hand will wrinkle on the left, looking,
in fact, too large. The left foot, as
rule, is the larger. While the right
hand and arm are generally better de-
veloped and stronger, the opposite leg
corresponds in those particulars. 1t is
found that in athletic persons the adj
vantage of strength is often with the
left foot. That is the foot we habitually
stand upon, and it is the left foot that
leads off in the walking. A man uses the
left foot most on the bicycle, and even
more so in mounting q horse. While
the constant use Of the ri ht hand is a
matter of training monkeys use both
equality, the more frequent use of the
left foot would seem to be 4 general
habit, hence that foot is in many cases
the stronger.-Albany Argus.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
SAlLY'S MARBLE HEART.
She Said 'Twould Turn Pear to Stone
and It Did.

"IIev We hearcd bout them pears o
Bill Simmonses'? Haunt, hey? Well,
it's bout tn strangest thing [ ever
heared Of Ye know what durn
putty gal Sally Simmons allus was an
is yet? She's putty's er June rose an
she knows it, an when she's out in
company an looks at Teller with them
thar black eyes O. hern she's putty near
got i'm, she has.
Wall, she WIZ over t Sikse's to a
party few evenin's ago. Joe Gill
happened t be there. He was power
full on Sally right off, an went home
with her that evenin', an has been
sweeter'n sugar on her ever since. She
didn't peer to kcer any more fur him
than she did bout tn rest of tn fellers,
an Joe got to thinkin she had good
many strings t her bow, but every time
he'd go t say anything bout it t her
she'd turn it off ont suthin' else.
$50 Yesterday Joe come up t talk it
ever with Sally-t' find out if she
keered anything bout him, anyway,
IN any more then she did fur the rest
of tn fellers she'd been smilin' on.
''She was real sassy with i'm and
wouldn't tell i'm whether she liked i'm
or not. He talked with her quite a spell,
an then got sort O cranky an told her
she had a heart hard as stone, an
t'would be Il wonder if it didn't turn
every pear on that tree t stone-and
started off.
AN I'll be hammered if them thar
pears didn't all fall off that tree last
night-every pesky one of TN, an they
wus winter pears, too. 1t sounded jest
like some one was shallin' tn tree.
Thar they all vus, bout 20 bushels of
UNI. layin' on tn ground under tn tree
this mornin', an I'll be dang-swizzled
if thar want a great big stone i'll tn
middle of every one of UNI! You might
as well try t take tn parin's off a cob
blestone as t peel one OF um, b'gosh!
Thar they all be. wasted. Can't even
feed UNI t til pigs without chokin' um
t death.
sally don't think she's had anything
t do with it.'-N. Y. Press.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
COSTLY HONOR OF THE CHURCH
Many Expenses That Have to Be Met by
an Archbishop in England.

Only a rich man may become arch
bishop of Canterbury. The fees Incl
dent to the nominees installation are
described as something prodigi0us.
Officials of all kinds, government, court
and ecclesiastical, receive tidy sums
for all manner of services. There is an
item of 5000 for gloves to the members
Of the chapter of the cathedral of Can
terbury; $50 for the queens gentleman
of-the-chair; $40 for the queens chief
cook, and ten dollars $50 it is ayerred)
to the queens barber. Altogether, the
fees that go from him in these sums
amount to about $4,000; wherefore, if
a poor man is appointed to the great
place he must run somewhat Ill debt.
But since the primate receives $4,000
Il year and the archbishop of York $780,
600 anxiety for the future is sweetly
tempered by anticipation. At the same
time, more or less veXation of spirit &C
companies these petty demands upon
ones purse. 1t is not astonishing, in
view of these eXactions, that the late
DIR. Magec, when he was consecrated
archbishop of York, took for the text
of the first sermon that he preached i'll
the cathedral: And a certain man
went down from Jerusalem to Jerico
and fell among thieves" And again
when the queen gave him an audience
he observed to her majesty: Madame,
you're the only official person have
seen since my nomination who has not
asked me for a fee"
The wives of the lords spiritual have
no part in the dignity of their husbands,
but the wives of the lords Temporal
have. Thus, while the archbishops of
Canterbury and York outrank every
peer of the realm save princes OF the
royal blood, their wives "are compelled
to yield precedence to the spouse OF
every newly knighted grocer or London
draper" Their husbands are your
grace" and "his grace" they are
simply madam" and Mrs" Itisnot IN
likely, however, that certain command
ing wives of archbishops and bishops
who follow into a court function yards
behind their lords console themselves
with the reflection that where the Nc
Gregor sits is the head of the table.
In their anomalous position they no
doubt have the sympathy Of certain
daughters of peers, who have married
peers of lower degree. For, according
to the rules of precedence in the Eng
lish court, the daughter of duke, Tor
instance, who marries co1nmonor, re
tains her title as Lady So-and-So or the
Hon. So-and-So, and ranks just as
she did when single. But if she marrles
an earl or baron she is degraded to the
1ank of countess or baroness. In the
case of two sisters, daughters OF
duke, one of whom has married a COM
noner and the other baron, the spec
tacle is presented of the former going
in with her brothers dozen removes
ahead of her sister and her brother-lno
law. while her own husband, if he IS
fortunate enough to be county Judge
or the son of baronet, struggles IN far
away at the tail of the procession, pos
sibly with the wife of his grace, the
archbishop of Canterbury, leaning on
his arm.-N. Y. Tribune.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
A LITTLE NONSENSE.

The Cabby's ristening.-Parson
what shall we call it?" Cabby lab
sent-1nindedly)-"Oh. I leave that en-
tirely to you, sir!"-London Figaro.
How is DabbIes getting along with
his pictures?" asked the friend. >Splcn-
didly," replied the cynic. Hes buying
them instead of trying to pain: them
Observation-Disclosures Star.
-Forewarned.-"Don't ever tell Fiz-
zletop that you haven't anything to
read Why" IF you dc he will
Immediately lend you that book he
wrote himself" Chicago Tribune.
-Bilkins-'Brassey is q great golf
enthusiast, isn't he" WiIllins-"Bet
he is. He spends ten minutes a week
playing, and all the rest of his time
talking about the game. Boston Tran
script.
Little Mary was'discovered one day
by her mother vigorously applying the
oil-can to the kittens mouth. On being
reproved she replied: Why. mamma.
kitty sqUeaks so awfuIIy when 1 pull
her tail."-Harper's Bazaar.
-Reginald-'How stupid Miss Jen-
kins is! 1 took her into dinner the
other night, and she never said a word. :
Jacll-"You were in luck, old fellow
She wasn't nearly as stupid as she would
have been if she had talked. ''-Harper'
Bazaar.
-Ethel-"And what did George say
when he proposed?" Maud-'He said
nothing; lie started to say something,
gasped, turned deathly pale and tainted
away. OF course | knew what he meant
SO when he came to, l told him he
might ask papa" Ethel-"And then?''
Maud-''Then poor George tainted away
again. Figaro.
He had listened to her upraidings
for two hours by the downstairs clock.
My love-" he said, mildly, don't you
think it is about time for you to adj
journ sine die?" She knew her Cusn-
ing's Manual like a book. Il shall adj
journ sine die presently" she coldly
remarked, land then--I will at once cali
an extra session." And the husband
rolled over with groan.-Cleveland
Plain Dealer.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
A GREAT HEiRESS.
Daughter of Princess Beatrice to Inherit
from Eugene and Victoria.

Daughter of Princess Beatrice to Inherit
from Eugene and Victoria.
The very latest news in wOm2n's
realm, is that the only daughter Of
Princess Beatrice of England and of the
late Prince Henry of Battenberg will
some day be a great heiress. 1t has
been stated on good authority that the
eX-Empress Eugene by her latest will
leaves the greater portion of her for
tune to the charming little lady. She
is a great favorite of the eX-empress,
and is, by the way, namesake of both
Empress Eugene and of her grand
mother, Queen Victoria, being named
Victoria Eugene. Princess Beatrice
has for years been the greatest possible
favorite of the illustrious Eugene; in
fact, even before the late Prince I'm
perial and Princess Beatrice were
sveethearts. Every woman is familiar
with the sad, sweet story of older peo-
pic deciding that the two were "too
young" to get married. Prince I'M
perial went to Africa, and alas! met his
death.
Princess Beatrice and her three
young children have been invited to
soon enjoy yachting trip with eX-
Empress Eugene upon her yacht, the
Thistle, and a most enjoyable time is
anticipated.
1t is not yet generally known that
Queen Victoria has by her latest will
left 81, 10000 to her favorite daughter
Princess Beatrice; also, it is rumored
that she bequeathed her Osborne and
Balmora1.
The fortunate little ''Victoria Eu-
genie" of course, will come in for her
share of this fortune, dividing, Of
course, with her two brothers, one of
whom is younger and the other older
than herself-London Spectator.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
A Great Redwood Slab.

In New WhatcOm, a seaport town and
the county seat of WhatcCm county,
the northwest county in Washington,
and in the United States, is erected Oh
the outer edge of a sidewalk on one CT
the principal street corners ali in-
mense slab or section Ct one CT Wash
ington's biggest red fir trees. The slab.
being cut directly across the diameter
OF the tree, like a butchers cutting
block, is set on edge, the greatest diam
eter extending upward. the bark being
on its entire circumference. \ stranger
naturally feels inclined to walk up to
the slab and measure it by its height,
and is surprised to find that it would
take another man standing on his head
to extend TO the top of it. Then he
steps back pace and reads the follow
ing inscription, neatly printed on
board attached to the face CT the slab:
Tree from Loops Ranch Forks, What
com county, Wash. The tree was 46j
feet high, 22O feet to the first limb, and
81 feet II inches in circumference at the
base. If sawed into lumber it would
make 96,345 feet 1t would build eight
cottages two stories high, of seven
rooms each. The tree is about $50 years
old, according to the rings. If sawed
into incb-square strips it would fill ten
ordinary cars, and the strips would
reach from What"om to China" The
section shows the tree sound to the core.
Mining and Scientific Press.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
Slump" Is a Danish Word.

A good deal has been heard lately
about the slump in the city. The
word is expressive, and is generally be,
lieved to be "slangy," but at one Tins
it was in general use, although it is
now only to be heard in out-of-the-way
districts Of the provinces. The African
Review points out that it is of Danish
origin, and, according to DR.. Raven
was applied in many a metaphOrical
way. In his recently published His
tory of Suffolk DR.. Raven says that il
is still of common use in this country
Unsuccessful Iitigants weres slumped
"Slumped again!" says Palmer in his
'Perlustration of Great Yarmouth
was shouted derisively to one who had
been a second time unsuccessful. For
by explains it Ito sink suddenly into
deep mud or rotten ground" and Moor
cites II came in such a slump" But
then, he never knew what Thro9mor-
ton street slump was Iike.-Westmin-
ster Gazette.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
SMALL PROFITS OF MURDERERS
Few of Them Realize Riches by Means OF
Their Crimes.


Their Crimes.
Much has been published in England
about the professional assassins Of
Paris, writes our Paris correspondent,
and in many cases fabulous gains have
been attributed to them as a result Of
their crimes, but these exist more fire.
quently in fiction than in fact. Stats
tics recently compiled by the project
of Paris police throw a good deal of
light on the assassin's trade as practiced
in modern times. Especially interest
ing are they in view Of the popular, but
very erroneous, idea that the assassin's
trade is profitable one. That it is
quite the reverse seems to be clearly
proved by record of the profits gained
by notorious assassins during the last
30 years.
Biographies of large number Of
French murderers, some of whom paid
the penalty of their crimes on the gull
lctine, while others were transported
to New Caledonia, show that the aver
age murderer makes far less money at
his abominable trade than is made by
any third-rate artisan or even day Ia
borer.
Here, for example, are the names of
q few criminals and a statement as to
the actual money profit that resulted
in each case: Sejournet committed one
crime, and his profit was G2 5 shil-
lings; RosseIl, one crime, Ell 10 shil-
lings; Ducret, one crime, c 8 worth of
jewelry; Cathelin, one crime, about S
shillings. These are not princely prof
its, but they are large compared with
others. Three men for Xample-Geor-
goes, Voty and Franck-committed
horrible crime and only made about
sixpence apiece. Several others were
less fortunate, for they gained nothing
at all. Other knights of the road found
TO their dismay after dispatching their
victims that they had no money on
them, and they were consequently
bound to be satisfied with such booty as
they could obtain in the shape of
watches and other jewelry, which, of
course, is less desirable than money,
rs it is not always easy to dispose Of.
True, few assailants have made
considerable sum of money. Three,
Martin, Begheim and Lapommcrayc,
were especially fortunate or unfortu-
nate in this respect. Martin found 6 200
in his victims purse, Begheim got 6 u
400 worth of jewelry and Lapommeraye
also acquired a large sum Of money at
one stroke. These men, however, did
not live very long to enjoy their wealth,
rs Justice overlook them and quickly
dispatched them to another world.
Such men are rare, however, SO rare
that n careful calculation shows that
the average amount made by French
nssassins during the last 30 years does
not exceed nine or ten shilIings for
each crime.
Such being the case, the wonder is
that there are SO many murderers. And
n greater wonder is, why, if they are
determined to kill for the sake of OBJ
tanning money they do not arrange to
kill persons who are known to be
wealthy and do not seize an oppor-
tunity when their intended victims have
their pockets stuffed with gold. A
distinguished official of the police force
III Paris says that the assassins act in
their usual foolish manner simply be-
cause they are mbeciles-London Mail
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
Took In Everything.

''Well. how did you succeed with your
first diagnosis? Did you profit by my
advice?
The Young Doctor think did, sir.
l told the patient that he was suffering
from a combination of liver. stomach,
heart. lung and brain trouble.
Old Practitioner-Gcod. No chance
of a mistake there.-Tit-Bits
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
The Chance of the PugiIist.

John" called his wife, are you put
ting the baby to sleep?'
The pugiIist laughed bitterly in the
darkness.
I've got him against the ropes" he
answered, for there was yet hope.-De.
troit Tribune
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
But One Death.

Resident-Healthy? [ should say it
was. Why, there's only one death here
in ten years.
Visitor-Who was it died?
'The village doctor; died of starva-
tion.''-AnsWers
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
A Wax "Reminiscences

Doris-Oh, mamma, you mustn't lie
the baby lie in the sun.
Mother-Why not, dear?
Doris-'Cause it'll melt.
Mother-NIelt?
Doris-Yes. mine did.-Up to Date.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
Used IT, IT.

why does that dog Of Jackson's take
such a delight in biting little children?''
''IIe was brought mp on infant food.
YOU kno7y."-Cleyeland Plain Dealer.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07

Oakland, Cal, which formerly paid
$500 month TO get rid of it's garbage,
now receives a revenue from its dis
posal.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1897-01-07
ounce Lifts a Ton.

The shelless limpet pulls 1884 times
it's own weight when in the air and
about double when measured in the
water. Fleas pull 1903 times their own
dead weight. The Mediterranean cookie
Venus verrucosa can exert a pulling
power equal to 2,071 times the weight
of its own body. So great is the power
possessed by the oyster that to open 1t
4 force equal to ,319.5 times the weight
of its shelless body is required. If the
human being possessed strength as
great in proportion as that of these
shell fish the average man would be
able to lift the enormous weight of .
100000 pounds, pulling in the same de-
gree as the limpet. And if the man
pulled III the same proportionate de-
gree as the cookie he would sustain a
weight of no less than 5. JOG, 500 pounds.
-Worthington' Magazine.