Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-07-11

opened the envelope, ana realIy o'o''
know what was the matter. 1ney hao
simply found 1t convenient to make tn'
good lady moribund without going h'e
details. The telegram was wisely reao
at this stage OF the game. and the mater
nal parent was found TO be improving
But tho girls went home anyhow, and
were glad Of an opportunity TO escape
getting the degree Of Bachelor OF Arts
The messenger-boy who brought this
too-long unopened message would hard
ly have been more scornful. had he known
all the circumstances. than was the
youngster who waited while very
proper young lady prepared telegram
TO gentleman acquaintance. She was
green at the business and commenced II
by saying. my dear friend" 1t was
'ot until she realized that cents were
narged for each extra word that she
l'ushingly and sheepishly eliminated THIS
jeginning OF her composition.
But when a woman prepares message
or the wire she finds 1t awfully, awfuliy
hard to compress all she has TO say into
nine words. Think OF a woman combining
herself to nine words IL, by some
strange power she manages to condense
her idea into six words. she by no means
realizes that she Is. out OF the dilemma.
She feels that the law requires those
nine words. and realizing that there is
no rebate on a smaller number. she de-
terInines to reach chat figure or lose her
hair in the effort. At best, she's going
TO be nervous throughout the whole
transaction, just as one would be while
playing with a boomerang. But after all,
we must pardon the inferior sex They
arc nice people, but they have their
ways"
In the eighteenth volume Of his masni-
fcent work on What a Woman Can Do
With Hairpin," Professor Emil CARIBOU
gives us some interesting and useful data
on the mouse-fearins sex. 1t is evident
that our Jess muscular friends cut much
Zee in his opinion, and likewise that they
cut much ice in reality, for he shows
how they split the crystalline substance
with their hairpins in a manner truly
wonderful to behold.
81 would fain devote a lifetime" says
the Professor, ito this fruitful theme
Of the woman and her hairpin, but the
proof-sheets of my eighteenth volume
call me to a halt And yet, cannot con-
clude without calling attention to another
achievement OF our fair ones with this
sine qua non of their existence. L refer
to the way in which they crack ice with
their hairplns. Man, In his tempestuous
impatience will split IL with the cut-glas5
fruit bowl, or with the silver butter dish.
or with aught else that Is available Time
IS the essence OF the undertaking with
him. Not so with woman. Time is
naught 10 her. With a sniff OF scorn at
the bad temper OF her lord and master,
she will arise and go TO the ice-pan.
Next she will extract hairpin from her
fruitful skull, and pulling this straight,
she will use 1t as a wedge, or after the
manner Of a shoemaker with MS awl'
She doesn't press hard, neither does she
swear during the performance. She sim
ply keeps her temper and with the Hight
of each second the steel goes deeper, and
in a minute the ice splits, and the lord
and master puts it in his julep. Little
bits OF the frozen element do not scatter
over the whole house, as they do when
man tries the experiment with the iron
pick"
The Professor, Il Is plain to see Is try
ing to catch the female vote. but not
withstanding this his researches have
been of inestimable value TO science
Aside from this he Is a charming writer
of fiction. His novel. "'In Durance Vile;
or. Forty Years Under Petticoat Thral-
dom" is a work that will live in the
hearts Of men. And yet we would beg
that he deplete the sequel Of that in
tense pathos which characterizes I'm
Durance Vile"
II a thing doesn't strike woman as
cute or perfectly lovely you may set
it down as falling 10 meet her approba-
ton. These two expressions she has en-
tirely appropriated to her own uses, and
no man would dare employ them And
II one did he should be sentenced TO ten
days imprisonment in hoopskirts. What
ever Is odd or the least bit out OF the
way. or in any manner interesting, Is
cute" TO the sex that gushes. This
pleasing adjective IS literally applied 10
babies. pug dogs, and little men, whom
the other fellows despise. Sometimes,
too. IL is used in descriptions Of larger
creatures which have unique features or
marked characteristics. / have heard
Grover Cleveland described as cute"
and then again I've heard the same word
applfed TO a baboon or TO Pop Tate,
the elephantins ball-player. Yes. all OF
these Though not placed in the same
category with malice aforethoughD are
cute" and so, too, are the new patent
iee-crearn freezers. the safety-p.ns, and
the corn-starch which have just been put
on the market.
perfectly lovely" is more insipid
expression than "cute'-that is, OF
course. supposing that anything a wo-
man says can be insipid. II means most
ANYTHING. and is generally employed as
a substitute for hyperbole. In other
words. It is condensed gush. A winter
sunset. illurlined by the choicest tints
of Natures kaleidoscope palette, is
perfectly lovely" to a woman's eye,
but so. too, IS a ham-sandwich on an
ennuty stomach. or o bar Of turpentine