Kansas City journal., 1897-05-16
PHILOSOPHY OF PIPES.
Mysterious Way of Disappearing and
Their Probable Fate.

From the N. Y. Commercial Advertiser.
What memories are awakened by the
sight of an old pipei How many careless
days whiled away with its companionship,
how many nights made less lonely by its
subtle fumes of forgetfulness! Jerome Is.
Jerome once dedicated a book to his odd
est and strongest pipe" That book made
him famous. As the poem announced, the
pipe was his faithful ally during the win
ter in which he composed the work. When
the manuscript was given to the printer
it is said to have still smelled strong OF TO-
bacco.
The praises of the briar pipe have never
been sufficiently sounded. 1t has never
received the place which 1t merits: 1t Is
that nasty old pipe when alluded to by
sisters of the owners; the pet abominatlon
of mothers and wives. Any pipe smoker
will say that II Is always hard to Ind his
pipe in the house. His cigars peacefully
repose undisturbed in the package behind
the clock and his cigarettes are secure In
the pocket of his coat. The smokers fam
iIy regrets that the head of the household
uses these latter pernicious agents OF de-
struction but accepts them as evils which
cannot be avoided.
the opinion of females of all ages war
upon it is legitimate. 1t is a monster which
invades the home, destroying: corIupIins pun,
highly priced. Nor can II De ATTACKED
openly, but must be approached by stealth
So it is that the war on a man pipe IS
made when he is at business during the
day and the briar itself is DOING quletly
in preparation for the evenings smudge
When 1t is finally driven from IT'S ramparts
on the delicately embroidered piano cover
and captured, capital punishment or pam
ishment inevitably follows. This, too, with
out a jury trial or a single man to make
a plea in it's defense.
Verify the trials of pipe are many.
Yet il should not be so. A well seasoned
briar pipe is entitled to conslderatlon at
the hands of any woman on earth. and, If
necessary for its protection. suitable laws
should be enacted. Still, like woman suf-
frage, revolt against the new Journalism
and numberless other great question Whicn
are agitating the public mind, it is some
thing which must be left to education TO
put the briar or the meerschaum pipe on
its proper footing. As 1t is impossible to
legislate a price into commodities in oppo-
stion to the ironclad laws of supply and
demand. so 1t is useless to try and incul-
cate love of a tobacco pipe in the feminine
breast by force. It is one of the purposes
of this article to start an agitation OF this
matter.
the recognized leader in pipedom) should
not be new. This statement is ludicrously
paradoxical but the English language is
such that the paradox must go. A man
who is "breaking in" a new pipe is a suf-
ferer and should be pitied. In the morning
his throat resembles rag carpet and his
tongue smarts and burns as If ne had
tasted a spoonful of sulphuric acid. But
after the process is completed and the new
pipe becomes fairly seasoned the jarring
cares of the world are nothing to him.
Then it is that the true superiority of a
pipe over cigars and cigarettes is mani
fest. BAH The tobacco in a cigarette runs
out from the mouth end. The paper is
made from the rags of an Italians ban.
danna and chock full of microbes.
A lighted cigarette emits a sickening odor
Cigars are notch higher, perhaps. Yet
a cigar breaks If carried in the vest pocket:
the unlighted end is always in mess, and
il II once goes out only prize fighters out
of training have the moral courage to re-
light.
A briar pipe is free from all these i'm
perfections. If it does happen to go out
there is none of that burnt pancake taste
when the fire is rekindled that appertains
to even a clear Havana weed. There is a
clean look about a handsome amber mouth
piece which is wanting in all other de-
vices for nicotine absorption. A lighted
pipe can be laid down anywhere and does
no harm. The finest fancy table covering,
the arm of the richest chair is not dam
aged in the slightest degree. But cigar
or cigarette is a constant menace to the
delicate fabrics which adorn the modern
house, and holes bored with their fiery ends
into costly volumes are known to have
been contributing cause TO at least one
housekeeper's suicide.
Other points of superiority of the briar
pipe over anything else smokable might be
mentioned, but it is not the writer's in