Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-03-07
OH, AWFUL MISERYl
WHEN A COOK ADVOCATES AND
YOUR WIFE RUNS THE HOUSE.
The WORST TINE OF YOUR LIFE.
Kisses That Mean Wharf.-The In
diligence shown to Babies, and
Their Subsequent Ingratitude-
Mothers Never See Their Faults.


of this worlds duties so seriously dawn
upon a man as when he is awakened
some morning to find that his cook has
abdicated-that the dusky essential to
domestic felicity has taken French leave
and left the family in the lurch. 1t is en-
occasions like these that the head of
household realizes the insignihcance OF
his own sex and its utter incapacity to
cope with the more serious problems OF
life 1t is also on days like this that
marriage seems a failure and patience
fallacy. Cooks are, perhaps, OF all Gods
creatures the most Independent and fear
less. They know no law save that which
they impose upon their employers, ana
with them the sense of pity is as dead as
sympathy in a crocodile. There are times
when money cannot buy them, or threats
cannot move them-in short, when they
are irrevocably beyond the authority OF
the Caucasian race. This is one Of those
times.
IL is. Of course, your wife who first
awakens on the direful morning. and who
smelling trouble from afar. as does ire
stag an enemy, gives forth a -matutinal
war-whoop that arouses you with awful
CELEBRITY.
Before second Of your delicious 'stupor
has vanished we hear. those dlabolicai
words, THE cook has gone" and then
you awake to grasp the horrors OF the real
situation. And what an awakening II Is!
The chill gloom of early morning enVelops
you like a pail, while ever and anon the
battle-cry of your consort urges you on 10
superhuman effort The kitchen Is the
by your fugitive Ethiopian Is the begin
ming Of your work. Next is the wood TO
be split. and then the coal is to fetched,
and the stoves to be blasphemed. with
these duties performed your work begins
I'm earnest. 1t is at this juncture, TOO,
that you mistake your wife for porcu-
pine so fretful is the good woman ana
so prone to brlstle up If you dare intimate
that you are on the face Of the earth.
You are amazed beyond expression at
the intricate duties incident to cooking
a breakfast, and when the milkman ar
rives, at A. NJ. you find yourself en-
wing his station of life, and thinking
that his lob is a slnecure At least, you
would think this il you were allowed
time for thought, and If the battle-cry
did not summon you once more TO the
kitchen. You are sent to purchase bread
and are harshly censured on your re-
turn because, forsooth, after five min
utes' investigation, you have bought the
stalest loaf in the baking establishment
You realize that you are fool, and that
vour wife knows it, and that she Is going
To make the most Of IT, You know too,
that the most unutterably miserable day
OF your life is before you; that you would
stand up before a thousand people anu
make affidavit that one woman was
worth a carload of men. When your
breakfast is served you reallze that =
cup of coffee. stale bread, and boiled
COO e the result of your honest toll and
the war-whoop. You breathe more free
Nv when YOU are allowed to sneak on
TO YOUR business but all during work
hours YOU are thinking Of the desolate
home that awaits you. For once In your
life you find yourself hanging around
after work-hours, and looking for further
employment. When, ut last, You return
TO your dismantled castle, you pray
Heaven that another Afro-American has
been procured. You feel that you would
be willing to compromise on any sort
of female-no matter how she looked or
what her previous bad character You
bitterly repent your having Formerly
complained about the bread or the cor
Zee, ana you IfoOiNN Nt.e~N -
Ethiopian is procured she shall have the
best OF everything in the establishment
as she undoubtedly will, whether you
decree IL or not Perhaps, II you have
not been too sinful In life and the gods
are lenient to you, a new cook viii greet
YOU at the door. If so, you treat her
with profound Difference, and struggle
to keep yourself from hugging her. If,
on the other hand, you find no cook,
you-well, the very thought IS too hor-
rble TO dwell upon. Don't let's even
think Of it,
IT'S truly a study in human nature TO
see two women kiss. They trip up like
little birds to one another and the more
attractive (though each one gene
rally thinks she. is thaD hoists her check
for the other to peck. The whole pro-
ceeding IS icy and emotionless. and APP
pears TO be the performance Of a dis
agreeable duty that Is never shrlSed
The kiss conferred by the kisser on tho
kissee is a light, airy. perfunctory arti-
Gle. such as men bestow upon a police
court Bible when they are called az Wit
nesses and suspect the presence of mi |
crobes on the book. Why women, with
all their inexplicable eccentrlcites, |
should salute each other thus. is another ,
conundrim l shall not essay TO answer. |
Il isn't a sign Of mutual love for