The record-union., 1897-10-31

but Sa.llie murmured not
-Harper's Bazaar.
Mistress-How is it one never hears
a sound in the kitchen when your
sweetheart is with you of an evening?
Maid Please, ma am, the poor fellow
is so hashful yet; for the present he
does nothing but eat.-Colliers Weekly.
Every man has a vice" said Ten
spot to Tenterhook, who was fond of
offering unsought counsel to his ac-
quaintances.
What is my vice, pray?" asked Ten
terhook
Advice" replied Tenspot, unhesitat
ingly.-Detroit Free Press.
Il wonder unused the aged pessim-
ist, what has become Of all the old
fashioned girls?"
Most of them" replied the middle
aged optimist, ARE having a good time
as new-fashioned wives and mothers"
Cincinnati Enquirer.
He-I know you think 1 am awful
stupid this evening.
She-Really I hadn't noticed anything
Mrs. Green-My husband is getting to
be quite an expert on the bicycle.
Mrs. Browne-Does he ride a great
deal?
Mrs. Greene-Oh, no; he doesn't ride
much of any; but 1 don't believe any
body could dismount quicker than he
does Boston Transcript
Maid of Athens, ere we part,
Give, oh, give me back my heart"
Take it then, you hateful thing,
But all the same I'll keep the ring"
Indianapolis Journal.
"Luetgert probably sympathizes with
Adam"
For what reason?"
well, you know it was a bone that
got Adam into all his trouble Chi
cago Record.
When patrons of a small laundry in
the upper part of the city failed to get
their wearing apparel Saturday evening
they found the place closed and this
note pinned upon the door:
Closed on account of sickness till
Monday. I'm not expected to live
Utica Observer.
did you get anything?'' asged Farm
er Corntassels wife as he returned from
his hunting trip.
''Nothin' worth speakin' of"
"You surely didn't come home empty
handed?"
mo. But it's the next thing to it.
[ haven't anything but a couple more
carrier pigeons with messages from the
north pole tied to em"-Washingtom
Star.
What do you consider the most abso-
lutely certain way to distinguish toad
stools from mushroOms?"
Cook them, get some other man to
eat them, and then watch his symp-
toms. Chicago Tribune.
Dumbleton-I notice that Stirrup, the
popular jockey, has gone insane.
Flasher-Yes; but he finds congenia1
employment right along.
Dumbleton-Don't say! In what way?
Flasher-Thinking up names for rag
ing horses.-Richmond Dispatch.
Mother-Johnny, see your little
you give him his choice as suggested?
Johnny-Yes'm. told him he could
have his choice the little one or none.
and he took the little one.-Tit- Bits.
'It was brutal of Nero to fiddle while
Rome was burning"
Il don't know about that: suppose
he had played an accordion ?'-Chicago
Record.
The latest story from KIondike is that
a man was caught out in a windstor1n.
The ground was dry and dusty When
the man got home he coughed up S73 10
in gold dust.-Salida Mail.
she-I don't look at all like myself
to-day.
He-Tt would be a good time to have
your picture taken.-Yonkers States
man.
you have reorganized your board of
officers
''We had to; our typewriter girl and
the President quarrel about which
should sit facing the window ."-Chica-
go Record.
He speaks very confidently on mat
ers of finance"
He ought to-he's dropped a million
and a half."-Detroit News.
New York girl-It is too bad Won
can't have ocean bathing in Chicago.
Chicago girl-Yes. We haven't anv
suburbs on the seacoast yet-Puck.
Man made fortune at the seasbore
this summer"
''How?''
She plunged boldly into the under
tow and rescued a drowning million
aIre. Chicago Record.
DO you think prosperity has come to
stay?"
My wife evidently does. She has be-
gun to go through my pockets again."
Chicago Record.
Warned in Time.
In Scotland when an infant is to be
baptized the father is bound to show
some kind of speaking acquaintance
with the shorter catechfsm. One day
a collier went to his minister to bespeak
him for the christening of his child.
How many commandments hae YEP"
asked the minister Twenty" rejoin-
ed The collier, who was forthwith sent
back to pursue his studies in element
a