The Monitor-register., 1897-02-19

She What worries you. dear? Have
you' made any bad investment?
He-No, but your father has.-Detrott
Free Press
She-And she returned everything you
-V-r gave her, except your love, Mr.,
Cole?
Ht-No; she forgot about three thous-
aud kisses.-N Y. Times
x~x
Mrs. Wellment-Poor fellow, have you
no friends?
Bsggar (sobbiuR)-N1, leddV; hain't
got nuthiu' but elatives.-Judge
Xxx
Friend Don't the police know any
thing about the burglary?"
The Vlctim-'I don't think SO. l don't |
suspect the polioe.' Guardian
x*x
Shelf you were to fnd that had lost |
all my fortune-every telny of it-would
you hesitate-to carry out our engage.
ment?
He-I would hesitate at nothing. In
dSanapolis Journal
x*x
Folks neb6er is satisfied" said Uncle
Eben. ''Er white young lady is allus
tryin' ter git frizzss in her hair, an de
culed young lady is allus tryiu' ter git
ION, ,,ut W1ob -, ofoo Qf1r
x**
Country Doo'or-"What's wanted? Is
your uncle worse?"
Boy-"He be dead "
"Doctor-''Then 1 have done all l
could for him -It0inkIes.
x*x
Poet-"Let me tell you, sir, that poem
cost me week. g hard labor"
Editor (who read it)-"Is that ali?
If I'd had the passing of the sentence
you'd have got month. It'd Bits.
~
Mrs. Grump lin bed and very
loquacious)- )--"When there is much wind
at night it always keeps me awake,
John"
Mr. Grump (growling)-" it does
me. Why don't you stop talking?"-
Fan.
Perry Patettio-I hear that soap is even
mentioned in the Bible
Wayworn Watson-Why not? They
is bad things spoken of in Bible just Il 9
same as they is GOOD Cincinnati
Inquirer.
Mrs. Mann (meeting former servant)-
Alb, Mary, 1 suppose you are getting
better wages at your place?
Mary-No, nam, I'm working for
nothing now; Pm married. Boston Tran
script
Nv
Dyspepsia Specialist (irritably)-"But,
madam, you must chew your food. What
we're your teeth given you forP'
Female Patient (oalmly) -"They
weren't given to mel bought 'em."-
Odds and Ends.
az
"Kitty's little brother scared away her
new beau"
What did the little rascal doP"
He told the mae that his sister lways
took hot fl atiron to bed with her. p
Chicago Record
"A kiss" he said, afGer just having
had one, sis the most precious thing in
the world, and yet women give them
away"
"You are mistaken" she said. "We
never give them away. We merely invest
them" ."-ITuth.
Mrs. Wainwood-I was speaking with
Miss Elder to-day. She says that every
body tells her that she holds her age
remarkably.
Mrs. Grimm-Yes; she has been thirty
for the last six years, 10 my knowledge
Boston Transcript
~
''Mrs. Paddy has changed her style of
penmanship again" 'Yes. The other
day she came across one of her old letters |
and made an awful row. She thought |
some strange woman was writing to her
husband ."-Cleoeland Plain Dealer.
Xxx
Oberstein, Jr.-He said he'd lick me
for two cents!
Oberstein, Sr.-Mein graciousl and
what did you say, my sonP
Oberstein, Jr.-I asked him for a so
per cent eduction.-Ifuth.
Nv
She-And did your friend take the
doctor's advice?
He-Certainly.
S1e-And did he pay for itP
He-Well, should rather say he did!
He's dead l-Yonkers Statesman
~
Hicks - Tell me frankly, when
Smoothebore gets to telling his army
experience don't you sometimes wish he
was dead?
Wioks-The idea! No, indeed; but l
,ometimes wish that the war had occurred
ifty years earlier. r.-Boston transcript
**x
"Are you feeling better this morning?"
ssked Mr.. Propriety.
'In some ways am and in some ways
I'm not." answered Bobsly.
Then sincerely congratulate you and
,ondole with you, Mr.. Bobsly. Good
."-DstroI Free Press
Nv
The Friend-Didn't the, parsons visit
console you2
The Widower-He's a poor hand at
The F:iend-Why. what did he sayq
The Widower--Sa aid she wasn't dead.
,ut gone before.-luustrated Bits
SIS
Mrs. Gaswell-Here's an invite to a
Wedding that came through the mail a
little while ago. It's got the letters r. s.
Y. P. at the bottom. What does that
neapp ]
Mr.. Gaswell-That's the initials of the
nan that printed the Invitations. By
iaorOa tbsnL Ill.