davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

On a parade ground at Calcutta are
several adjutants, or argalas These
birds, which belong to the stork tribe,
walk up and down the ground. and they
lock so much like soldiers that at dis
lance strangers often mistake them for
grenadiers.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

Her Father-Young man. fear you
are making a mistake. My daughter
win not get cent from me until after
my death.
Her Suitor-0h. that doesn't worry
me in the least. have saved enough
to keep us for a couple OF years.-St.
Louis Post-Dispatch.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Must he a President.

do you know when old Gotrox first
came here he was too poor TO buy a
ticket and had to walk"
Yes, and now he's too rich to buy q
ticket and has to ride on pass. st.
Louis Post Dispatch.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
He Was No Fislrrrmau,

Bobber-It's too had that George
Washington never knewlthe serene con
tentment that can cometonly TO the man
who manipulates rod and line.
Angleson-How do you know he new
err did?
Bobber-He never toll n lie.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Ana There Are Othera.

Jack-Supposing were to place my
arm around your waist and steal kiss,
would you be very angry?
Maud-Indeed / would-that Is, II 1t
went no farther than a case of suppo-
sition.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

Her father-No, l can'tieonsent to let
you have my daughter.
Suitor-May ask why: Is it any
thing you have against me personally :
Her father-No, | like you, all right.
as far as that's concerned. but you don't
really love each other.
Suitor-I assure you
Her father-No. I'm not mistaken. Ny
gas bills have been nearly twice as high
during the past three mouths as they
were while she was engaged to young
Worthey.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
ray BIGGEST BICYCLE IN THE
WORLD.

/. Gsrmsn has just completed a bicycle that
- one "a heel nine feel in diameter. Two
,s.souie ride ft-one on each side OF the monster
FGlsI In runs a. easily \ smaller bicycle
,~.nse of its scientific construction. The
ssisnfiee formula of Hosletters Stomach Bit
,srs d the reason of It's great virtues IN making
- wssk strong, aud in curing most Of the
lie e,ydsy ailments Of men and women. II
vnnf health is poor, Try bottle.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
He Was Too Hasty.

''Why is it" he asked, that beautiful
women are always the most stupid?'
"Sir." she replied, IAN to under
stand that you desire to east reflections
upon my mental capacity?'
"Oh. no." he hurriedly returned; Il
have always said that you were one Of
the brightest girls ever"
But he didn't finish. Before he could
do so he realized that he had said the
wrong thing and could never make it
right.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Rising to an Occasion.

Mrs. Younglove-John, do you know
that you haven't kissed me for a week?
Mr. Younglove-Yes, darling, | was
just waiting to see how long 1t would
take you to notice it.
John. it will be observed, had his
presence of mind with him.-Cleyeland
Leader.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Running a Risk.

Fuddy- Kwiverful. they say, is mar.
ried again. This Is his fourth wife.
Duddy-Kwiverful' better be care
full. He'll get caught some day.
Fuddy-Get caughti
Duddy-Yes; he'll marry a womaL
who will live.-Boston Transcript.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

Anxious m0ther-How is 1t that you
have SO much trouble with your house
keeping? You told me your wife could
cook
Adult s0n-She can.
Then what is the matterT"
"She won't. New York Weekly.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
The Patriotic Retort.

Herbert say. old man. don't you re
member that you borrowed $40 from
me several months ago!
Samsby-Forget that. my boy. Re
member the Maine! Philadelphia
North American.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Distance Lends Safety.

Farmer Scroggs-It's too bad tibet
Their IL war In Cuby.
Farmer Hayrlck -Gewhilliker! Would
yew want 1t here?
Farmer Scroggs Wal. II 1t wuz here
we'd be able to ketch them s0jer fel.
lers in some NV Their whoppers they'll
tell when Their wars oyer.--New York
Evening Journal.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
..The smallpox Devil.

The natives of the west coast of Su-
matra object to be vaccinated. They
still make offerings to the smallpox dew
il. The heart and liver of fowls and buff
faloes are mixed with yellow rice and
other ingredients, placed in the model
Of full rugged ship, carried in process
sion and finally launched into the sea.
Singapore Free Press.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

Il have read somewhere that Admiral
Cervera and his men hadn't any clothes
on to speak OF when they surrendered. !"
''Yes; that's so. In addition 10 knock
ing the spots on them. Schley's men
scared them out OF their breeches.'
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

send for Free Circular showing now to get
RIG DISCOUNTS on Prices OF any san Fran
atsco or Pacific Coast cash Store or Supply
s'nmuany. We are reliable, been in business in
san Francisco thirty years, and eau save you
,aouey on everything you buy. Address Gill
pFRis CLEMENTS SONS, 9lS California Street,
san Francisco, Cal.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

Sarah-Just fancy the corporal a-giv-
In up Mary for that old cook; she's old
enough to be is mother.
Tommy-Yes, my dear, but look at
the wages. Why, Mary didn't earn
enough to keep i'm in smokes.-Ally
Sloper
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
OUR BUDGET OF FUN.
HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO
lkGS HERE AND THERE.

Jokes and JOkslets that Are Supposed
TO Have Been Reesntiy Born-sayings
and Doinxs that Are Odd. Curious and
LaHghable-The Weeks Hamor.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Making Use of Them.

Bookkeeper-Here's another bill fron
your tailor, sir.
De Broke-Ah, yes. Save them until
you have hundred, and I'll have them
bound.-San Francisco Chronicle.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Gained Ferty-sight Pounds.

II had strong appetite for liquor
which was the beginning Of the break
ing down Of my health. | was also 4
slave to tea and coffee drinking. 4
took the gold cure, but il did not help
me. /"
This is portion Of an interview
clipped from the Daily Herald, Of CIin-
ton, Iowa. 1t might well be taken
for the subject Of a temperance lecture,
but that is not our object in publish
ing il. 1t is to show how q system,
run down by drink and disease, may
be restored. We cannot do better THAI
quote further from the same:
For years ! was unable to do my
work. ! could not sleep nights or rest
days on account Of continuous pains
in my stomach and back. was unable
to digest my food. Headaches anil
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

The spanlards have made one declaf-
alton regarding the war that they are
going TO fulfill"
What's thatF'
They have said ali along that they
would tight 10 the bitter end. and it's
bound TO be that why now. no matter
when Il comes"
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

IuAge-aYou robbed your beneiaetor in =
,,ost shameful way. DO You feel no com
iin,s,,rtious al eonseieneef" Prisoner" Before
Ipns,seriIlg. sir, / would like TO consult my
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Tn. rall IL Temnerature,
""
formerly.

"Ahr' he cried, yesterday you well
coined me warmly. To-day you receive
me coldly. What is the cause OF this
sudden CHANGE
Don't you read the papers?" she
calmly replied. My father has Just
inherited cool million"
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

The Retreat see, = said the elderly bosrder,
- hat the 1,aper says the foe retreaIed doggedly.
t,,msbly." said the Cheerful idiot. i" they took
- their parks"
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

rITe Permanently Cured. No fits or nervousness
fIto after first days use Of DIR. Kline Greal
liz and treatise. Dr.. H. H. KLINE. Ltd, $50 Arch
81, Philadelphia, Pa.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Concrete NIeanneaa.

Mr.. Spinkum-Ah, this reminds me OF
the pie my dear mother used TO make.
Mrs. Spinkum-0h. Alfred, you don't
know how glad am to hear you say
that
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

How a man whose collar willis In
fifteen minutes. hates a man who al
ways looks cool.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

Cigarettes get blamed for lots Of ILLS
that are due to love affairs
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

Smith-Brown is evidently financial
" embarrassed.
Jones-Why do you think sof
Smith-He is beginning TO live ex-
travagantly and dresses better than
formerly.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
By Proxy.
'Marmaduke! Marmaduke! what are

you doingf"
Away. frall woman! l am going to
shoot myselfr-Ally SlOper.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Plenty Of Ability.

Mr.. Spinkum-It's so different, you
know, dear.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
Lacked nriuinalitx.

He-And am | really and truly the
first man you ever kissed!
She-Why, of course, you are, stu
pid.
He-Stupld Why do you call me
that?
She Because you are not original.
At least a dozen men have asked me
the very same question.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

believe Piso's Cure is the only medicin.
that will cure consumption. = Anna Me
Ross, Williamsport, Pa, Nov. II, 80.
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08
A Matter Of wnrhs

"What pushing fellow that young
Mgley is! Six years ago he was wait
er in cheap restaurant. To-day he
has government job that pays him
$1,000 n year"
Pushing. did you say? You've got the
wrong word. Pulling is what you
mean"
The Pioche weekly record. [volume] (Pioche, Nev.) 1877-1900, 1897-09-08

Sold by Druggists, I5e.
Halls Family Pills are the best.
The evening times., 1897-01-23
Just What Scrapple Is.

Scrapple, says the Philadelphia Record,
as a species of Wand peculiar to Philadel-
phla has long brought ridlcule upon the
Quaker City, and has caused the shafts Of
wit 20 fly from many a professional humOr-
lists pen. Tie development Of recent facts
however, would tend to the belief that
those who have scoffed loudcst are the
ones WHO were most ignorant. Quite a
number of the most fashionable cafes and
restaurants of New York now make a fea.
ture on the menu cards of philadelphia
sCrapple.' Now comes the conversion OF
eNPostmastcr General BiSsell, who dur
ing his visit TO Philadelphia acquired a
great appetite for tire mysterious morceau.
He has ordered a local dealer to ship a
pan of scrapple every week to his home in
Buffalo
The evening times., 1897-01-23
HANNA,S BRASS RAND

1t is now related that Mr.. Hanna, the Re
publican national chairman, has been able
by means of his winning manners to induce
GOV. Bushnell, representing Senator Fora
ker, OF Gov. Bushnell and Senator Foraker
together, to appoint the Cleveland iron
master to Senator Sherman's place in the
United States Senate 1t is also related,
with every show of authority, that Mr..
Hanna declared to Mr Foraker's face once
upon time that he, Hanna, had beaten
him, Foraker, for the governorship of
Ohio, and he didn't care who knew it.
Mr. Foraker may be a forgiving person,
or he may deem it wise as a piece Of
present day politics TO make his own wishes
conform to those OF Mr Hanna and of the
President elect, for the wishes of these
two are evidently and of necessity the
same. 1t will hardly be like Mr. Foraker,
however; and until we know whether it
is the lady or the tiger, il would seem wise
to suspend Judgment.
Democrats hope that the Ohio Republi-
cans will obey their immediate and in
most impulses, and get into a scrimmage
beside which an encounter of the rush lines
OF the elevens Of Georg etown College and
the Carlisle Indians would fade into the
dimmest insignficance.
The evening times., 1897-01-23
TOMORROW'S TIMES.

The Sunday Times tomorrow may not De
worth having, but we think it Will be.
1t may rot he the largest newspaper pub
lished ia this country, ror indeed in the
world, but every line of ii VIII be readable
II VIII be beautifully illustrated, rot filled
with the freak poster work of many jour
nals but Gone truthfuny and prcttily.
There viii be special features OF interest,
articles to excite the curiosity OF women
(bleSs themo, and articles, too. which
the ladies cannot he expected to read,
but which the men canrot do without. If
you take the Sunday Times, along with
the morning and evening editions OF The
Times, you viii know what a variety of
the thoughtful and the gay they comprise
in every issue.
If you have not read the Sunday Times,
try ii tomorrow. 1t costs three cents, and
it is worth thirty cents. And Monday
morning buy the Morning Times for a cent.
and see how individual ard yet how like
it is. And Monday evening buy the Even
ing Times. That is a cent, ALTO, but it is
worth it five times over
The evening times., 1897-01-23
odd Items From Everywhere

There is no cure for color-blindness
Icebergs sometimes last for 200 years.
1t is so easy to become a social chest
mutt
Women of every rank go barebeaded in
Mexico.
Cornish miners believe that it is unlucky to
whistle underground
The British mint coins twenty-five tons
OF pennies every year.
Kangaroo farming is to be an established
institution in Australia.
There are said to be 100000 lilies in
full bloom in a field in Bermuda.
About 900 fishing boats engaged around
the British coast are named Mary.
Men with gray and blue eyes are usually
better marksmen than those with dark
eyes.
Spain has population Of IL, 500, 900, of
which number IL ,0Oo,o 900 cannot read or
write,
An African missionary reports that he
has been able to make almost all of his
journeys on bis bicycle.
The people of the United States read and
support as many newspapers as England,
France, and Germany combined.
The eruption OF Etna has entirely de-
stroycd the chestnut woods on the noun
tain slopes, the trees being devastated by
the lava.
The evening times., 1897-01-23
Boxes for Theater Hats

Here's theatrical manager who has
discovered the problem OF disposing OF
the big hat Mr.. Blumenthal. of the
Harlem Opera House. is having built in
the lobby of his thcater a cloak room
furnished with fifty plush lined boxes
that will accommodate the most audacfous
millinery monstrosity without so much as
ruffling the tip of its topmost feather. A
woman whOinsists on wearing one OF these
veritable flower gardens and other obstruc-
tions, much to the discomfort of those
seated behind her, will be soothingly re-
quested to 90 to the lobby. There maid
will remove her hat, fix her hair, talk
about the play or the weather, and at the
same time give the owner of the high hat
the key to the hat box.
The evening times., 1897-01-23

organization OF a general social sentiment.
among the people, which should cause all
of a mans associates and acquaintance
totreat him with activescorn and contempt,
whenever il became known that he was TN
manly in his treatment Of his dependent wo-
nankind The public opinion of his class,
circle or small fellowship, is the most
powerful influence extant with nearly every
man, and, If that opinion were certain to
operate to make his social life isolated
and miserable, the meanest creature in the
community would be greatly deferred from
that description OF infamy, even in his
cups.
1t is true that this drastic treatment
might be insufficient in some cases, and
from them there might arise a necessity
for organizing something like woman's
protective league. A society of that kind,
in which all manly men i'm the community
might join, perhaps would find il neces-
sary to adept extreme measures OF moral
suasion, possibly even extra legal ones.
In the last resort of outraged society,
there is a unique and effective way to NOR
alize brutes, which, however, is obnoxious
TO the views OF people opposed to vivisec-
t1on
The evening times., 1897-01-23
COULDN'T CATCH CHANDLER.
A Senator who Recognized the Sig
nificance of Pot Hooks.

The election OF Billy Mason, says the
Chicago Record, will add another compe-
tent shorthand reporter to the member
ship OF the United States Senate. Several
years ago he was considered one of the best
in the country. Judge Withrow, of the
Rock Island Railroad, used to say that a
fiTst-class stenographer was spoiled when
Mason went into politics.
Ii is not generally known that Senator
Chandler, OF New Hampshire, is also pro-
ficent stenographer, like Representative
Hit, Of Illinois. Both of them have been
professionals, and both still use the short
hand system in making gnotesduring debates,
committee meetings, etc. Although he has
not had active practice for twenty-five or
thirty years, Mr.. Chandler is able to make
and transcribe his notes as rapidly as when
he was a young man in daily practice rs
reporter for the supreme court OF New
Hampshire.
One day IN a committee meeting OF Sen
ators there was lively dispute between
Mr. Chandler and Democratic colleague
AS it grew heated, Mr Chandler. who is
always an eAasperating antagonist in
controversy, accused his opponent of con
tradicting himself, which the latter stoutly
denied.
Il Will tell you exactly what you said,''
retorted Mr.. Chandler. II thought you
were speaking recklessly and would ,lisa-
vow it sooner Orlater, SO took your words
down in snorthand'
Then he began TO read from a page Gov
cred With pot-hooks, and the other mem
bers testified to the accuracy of his re-
port.
Several years ago in New Hampshire an
important legal case arose, which rested
upon the accuracy OF the translation Of the
notes Of the shorthand reporter, who had
been employed 10y an attorney in the case,
and Senator Chandler was called upon as
an expert. A great deal depended upon
whether certain sign in the notes should
be translated at or of" Mr. Chandler
took an envelope out OF his pocket and on
the back Of it made two marks with lead
pencil.
now he said to the attorney. '1f you
can tell me which of those characters was
used in the copy, l will tell you without
looking at it which wordit wasintended for
The characters used for at and of are
generally similar, but any stenographer can
distinguish them at glance"
The evening times., 1897-01-23
TO CURE WIFE BEATING

A most atrocioUs case Of wife beating in
the District Of Columbia, more than horri-
bic In view Of the allegation that the vic
tim is mentally deficient, and was known
TO be 50 by the man when he married her,
is calculated again TO raise the question Of
the proper means TO be used to protect
women against this outrage, and to punish
its perpetrators. This latest case becomes
public immediately after the announcement
Of another and very pathetic one, wherein
q poor abused and beaten woman begged
for her husbands release, after arrest for
his brutality, and deposited collateral to
take him out OF custody.
IL these things go on we shall have to
face mistaken but strong popular senti-
nsent In favor of the whipping post, which
The Times always has insisted would be
return to penal barbarism and not to he
thought OF for moment Perhaps a way
might be found to diminish considerably
the frequency Of such occurrences, in the
The evening times., 1897-01-23
AN EAR TOTALLY
DEAF RESTORED TO
PERFECT HEARING.

o. w. Bailey, 616 7th st. NV:
al had been deaf in my left ear since
was about eight years of age. When bout
fourteen | had carbuncle back of my
left ear and from that time | was stone
deaf in that ear. When a boy at school
i found great difficulty in hearing what
the teacher said. Later | tried the study
of stenography but was forced to give
1t up. as could not hear dictation.
II had continual series OF sounds of
blowing and buzzing in my ears. and on
that account 1 couldn't seem to under
stand other direct sounds, like the voices
OF Others in conversation i'll the same
room. When people were talking right
loud it would sound to me like whisper.
az Couldn't Hear Anything at
Church
and had to give up all places of amuse-
ment. i tried two or three physicians
who said j couldn't be cured
Il read and heard so Euch about the
cures performed by Doctor Mccoy that 1
determined to make an effort to have my
hearing restored.
After had been under treatment some
time | found myself gradually gaining
ground; my left ear, which was totally
deaf, began to hear better and my right
ear. which was about as bad, got entirely
well.
'Now 1 hear people talking as plainly
as anyone, the ringing noises have ceased,
my hearing is normal and growing more
acute daily.
My Left Ear, Which Was Stone
Deaf, Is Perfectly Restored
and responds to all sounds as well as my
right, which was partially deaf"
Mr.. Bailey's Sister Says:
'Brother couldn't hear unless you stood
close and talked into his right ear. He
could hear nothing whatever IL his left
side were turned toward you. Sometimes
we would have to repeat q remark four
or five times. This morning was / n one
room and he in another and l noticed
with what ease he heard without raising
my voice.
The evening times., 1897-01-23
JOKES OF OUR OWN

1t would be great consolation to most
young brides if Bridget would only break
few dozen OF the after dinner coffee cups
instead OF the meat platter.
Hogan's Alley: "P'shaw, fellers; it amt
the ministries, after all; only the Salvation
Army"
Much this young snip Crane knows abont
the war" said the old 6. A. r. man be-
tween the puffs OF his pipe. we never
wore nothing like red badge OF courage
We took ours straight
What is this prisoner charged with.
officer"
We'll, the saIoon-kecper said before he
stopped drinking he was charged with
about everything in sight
He was keeping her in the dark.
This was so because there We're too many
people in the ballroom. 1t was more pri-
vate in the hail.
But she seemed TO like it.
It was one of those cases where the mega
tive refused to be developed.
They tell me you have an account run
ming at the tailor's, Egbert.''
Yes, mother. That account has been
running long enough to get to Congress"
Let those who Will monopolize
And deal in stock and share,
own but one monopoly
My Castle in the Air.
No taxes pay on this ground
No syndicate is there;
No fire insurance agent haunts
Ny Castle in the Air.
But when the bills come in apace.
And when my coats threadbare,
I'd like to just hypothecate
That Castle in the Air.
The evening times., 1897-01-23
This Is Work That Tells

The salvation Army, says New York cor
respondent is making another hit here in
the hotel for workingmen. The latest has
been located at No. 21 Bowery, and makes
the seventy-eighth Of its kind in the
country, all run by Salvationists. These
hotels approach very closely the temper
ance houses Of the old world, except that
they are far cheaper. No intoxicants what
ever are permitted, and the prices range
from - cents per night for room TO 10
cents for bunk. The place at 81 Bowery
accommodates lao persons, and is already
filling up every night. Meals are generous
in quantity, but because of the low margin
of profit scant as to variety.