The citizen. (Frederick City, Md.) 1895-1923, 1897-01-15

the worst frightened lot of birds that
were ever seen outside of one of those
so-caled happy families, where half
dozen birds. clean paralyzed with fear.
are shut in o cage with a cat that has
been filled up with chloral. and the pub
lie is asked to regard the exhibition as
a specimen of what will be the usual
sort Of thing when the millennium gets
its work fairly in. Those sparrows left
in a tremendous hurry. They had
sudden business call in some distant
part of Illinois. and | don't believe
single one of them stopped flying until
they had put at least 30 miles between
themselves and Van Wagener's flying
cat.
"'Now, you see said the professor.
how completely successful my inven-
ton Is. Ny flying cat will either catch
the sparrows and kill them. or she will
brighten them out Of the country. In
either case the great sparrow problem
Is solved II makes no difference to
me. as a patriotic American citizen.
whether all the British sparrows in the
country are killed. or whether they are
! driven over into Canada. Come to
think of it. shoHld prefer The latter
result. for the driving of monarchical
European birds out of our beloved
country will be an object lesson in the
enforcement of the Monroe doctrine.
which will be of immense benefit to the
! nation
"The professor. being a scientific
crank. was naturally Il political crank
also. and he was more than two-thrids
mad on the subject of the Monroe doc
trine. When the professor once got
fairly started on the subject of the
Monroe doctrine he forgot everything
else, and he had clean forgotten his fly-
ing cat when Mrs. Van Wagner leaned
out of a secondstory window, and adj
vised him. in case he was going to make
political speech, to hire a hall She
was a mighty sarcastic woman, and her
contempt for her husbands political
views was even greater than her con
tempt for his scientific achievements.
She was on the point of continuing her
remarks about the professors political
Grafton, when she suddenly gave the
awfullest screech that | ever heard
from female lips. though was once III
a room full Of strong-minded women
when a mouse ran across the floor.
Mrs. Van Wagner thought that her
last hour had come, judging from her
screams. but, as I had full view of
what was taking place. knew it was
only the cat who had come. Having
missed the sparrows tine cat turned
partly round to see what had become of
them, and just then Mrs. Van Wage
ner, having unconsciously put her head
within the animals reach, the cat
judged that her opp -tunity for max
ing landing had arr we'd, and accord
irgly she lit on the top of Mrs. Van
Wagener's head
Most any woman, not knowing that
her husband had invented flying cat.
would have supposed when some mon
ster with sharp claws. and a talent for
using bad language, came flying
through the air and lit ON her head.
that nothing less than the sea serpent,
or the flying dragons mentioned in
Scripture, had attacked her. What
with the cats desire to kick herself
free from her flying apparatus, and her
anxiety TO get square with the human
race, she did more with that poor wom-
ans hair in five minutes than any other
cat could have done in good half hour.
The professor tried to explain that it
was only the cat, and begged his wife
not to injure the flying apparatus. 1t
didn't seem to occur to him that he
ought to run to his wife's assistance till
l had taken him by the shoulders and
started him upstairs. don't want you
to think for a moment that he wasn't
anxious to help his wife, but he was so
in the habit of looking at things from
a scientific point of view, that he for
got that while he was explaining things
Mrs. Van Wagner might be clawed 10
such an extent that She would never be
recognized by her nearest friend. When
he had once grasped the idea that she
needed his help he fairly few upstairs,
and succeeded in transferring the cats
attentions TO himself. Then | had to
come to the rescue, for the professor.
not having hair enough to interest the
cat, she had devoted her efforts to
identifying his countenance, and if
hadn't succeeded i'm pulling her off, and
tossing her out of the window, she
would have torn his eyes out. or at al!
events ruined his nose. Her balloon
had burst during her interview with
Mrs. Van Wagner, and consequently
when ! threw her out of the window
she struck the ground pretty. heavily
and smashed up the paddle wheels. We
never saw her again.
Mrs. Van Wagner made peace with
her husband on condition of his max.
ing solemn promise never to have any
thing more to do with flying cats. !
consider that she was wrong in so do
ing, for Van Wagener's invention was
bound to be a success. If he had beer
allowed to carry il out, flying cats would
have become as common as bats. and
every sparrow in the states would have
emigrated. If il wasn't that don't be.
lieve in using other peoples inventions
| would go in for the manufacture of
flying cats myself; and as i is be-
lieve that Edison will some day hear OF
Van Wagener's experiment, and vii,
Immediately invent a flying cat ar !
spend the rest of his life in trying &
make the invention work -IHicr
VALVE CAP WANTED.