The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1897-05-23
BRYAN'S LIFE IS A JOKE
HUMOROUS SKETCH OF THE 16-TO-1
GIANT, AND HOW HE HAPPENED.
Candidate Born With More Mouth
than Anything Else, and Has Made
"a Living by 1t Ever Since.
jonathan Tipp. in Minneapolis Times.


little having been written regarding this
brilliant orator, have undertaken to set
before the public in a concise manner a
short history of his life.
William Jennings Bryan was born in
the usual manner at Salem Ill. being one
of several others born to Sias L. and
Elizabeth Bryan. His parents were bright
intelligent, Iaw-abidng, and the commun-
ity in which they lived were startled by
the advent of William Jennings owing to
peculiarities of an extraordinary nature
connected with his BIRTH
On March 10, 1860, it became noised about
Salem that the organs had been blessed
with another son, and, according to Gus
tom, all the old ladies Immediately started
for the Bryan residence to offer their con-
gratulations, and to stay only a minute,
when, much to their surprise, they were
politely but firmly refused admittance, and
they Immediately informed their neighbors
on promise Of secrecy that something UNI
usual had happened al the Bryans; in this
way it soon became known all over town.
and in q few minutes the house was COM
pletely surrounded by a Gordon of Associ-
ated Press reporters, who from that time
on took entire charge of the affair, includ-
ing the parents.
The following day great pressure was
brought to bear upon the family physician,
who was obliged to wear a diving bell to
protect himself; and only as last resort,
upon the promise of a three-column ad,
he finally divulged the cause of the eX-
element.
He stated that Williams mouth, of which
he had more than his share Gt was only
limited by his ears), was connected solely
with his face and lungs, and owing to
the latter connection the house agent had
raised the price of their rent, which they
refused to pay unless he would paint the
kitchen floor.
other physicians having been summoned,
upon their arrival consultation was i'm
mediately held, and they decided that moth
ing could be done, which dangerous opera
ton they successfully performed.
The physicians We're given the usual set
Element I. o. Us, and discharged, and
through a great many critical periods on
the advice of patent medicine ads, and the
opinions of everyone who dropped in. At
five years of age we find him the pos
SCISSOR of large opening in his face, an
average-sized body, including an abnormal
appetite. The lining in his trousers was
sewed only at the waist and around the
bottom of each leg with openings in the
Sides thereby forming two immense pock-
cts, which he always carried filled with
crackers and currant jelly.
A TROUBLESOME MOUTH.
deal, being so near his ears that when he
talked the noise deafened him, at the age
of six he developed a remarkable fondness
for books and study, and at seven years Of
age he could repeat from memory the whole
of "Goodwin's Improved Bookkeeping and
Business Manual" which he always in
sisted on reciting from the parlor table.
much to the annoyance of callers. His
father noticing his ability to talk for long
periods without saying anything, decided
that he should be a lawyer.
His work the farm consisted of milk
ing the pigs, and feeding the moose, deer
and elk, of which his father was an ex-
tensive breeder. He always carried a book
with him, and was to be found at any time
either reading or hunting rabbits, which
he was able to bring down at a great dis
lance with a few well-directed words. 1t
was during this pericd Of his life that he
contracted the habit OF carrying a rabbit s
foot with him, which custom he always re-
lgiously adhered to.
He entered the public schools at ten years
of age, his career therein not being bril-
liant, as he only succeeded in passing his
examinations by cribbing and bringing his
teacher apples His father by the liberal
distribution of hard cider and fresh eggs,
had succeeded in getting himself nominal
ted for Congress, and Willie as we'll as his
father, became imbued with an intense and
undying love for politics; and one day while
nineteen and half feet from the barn and
twenty-seven and three-quarters feet from
the house, he determined to become Presi-
dent of the United States. The historic
spot has been marked for a monument by
Chairman Jones.
Shortly after this incident he entered
Whpple Academy. that institution being in
league with the Illinois College, and. after
securing transportation at q scalper's his
whole life changed. While attending this
school his favorite language was Latin,
which he spoke exclusively. A few weeks
after he had taken up his abode at the
academy the young ladies of the school
gave a Latin sociable and William was in
vted; but as his trouserettes were a trihe
the worse for wear, he wrote a tender
epistle to his father requesting the loan of
his Sunday go-to-meetings." His father
stern. just man that he was, replied that
he intended to wear them to funeral on
that date, and that future Presidents were
not measured by the condition of their
trousers, but by the carrying capacity of
their lungs. During his college life he was
not much given to baseball or football
playing but little, but he succeeded in win
ming several medals for lifting heavy
platform on which stood the entire faculty
of the college, seven persons, besides the
janitor.
WIFE DREW HIS PICTURE.
1t was at this time, while buying a patent
shirt front at one of the hardwear stores
that he met his future wife, who states in
Il biography written by herself, that her
first impressions of Mr.. Bryan date from
the first time she met him; and, as she re-
members him at that time, his face was
pale, with keen eyes reading your inmost
thoughts, mouth about nine and a half
inches in circumference surrounded by thin
lips, boX-toed chin, and heavy eyebrows
which he parted in the middle Mrs. Bry-
an naturally overestimated his good points
After leaving college he succeeded in get
ting himself considerably mixed up in pol
tiles, and he was invited to relieve himself
at an open air meeting to be held in a
large grove near the city. For a young
man who q few years before had asked his
father for the loan of his Sunday pants
this was a great honor, and Willie set dill
gently to work to prepare his speech On
the appointed day. arriving on the grounds
he found a vast crowd assembled, consist
ing of three lemonade vendors, Il wheel of
fortune man, and himself. Not to be dis
couraged, however, he ascertained that the
wheel of fortune tWirer believed that a
dollar was worth a dollar, and he deter
mined to convince him that it was only
worth quarter After playing the wheel
and winning two dollars ION the yellow, -
which the man insisted on paying with
tifty-cent piece in spite of his protests, he
unbuttoned his face and delivered his
speech
There being no reporters present we have
the facts, which | obtained from one of the
lemonade agitators, who insisted that dur
ing one of his peroratons the red lemonade
all turned white. and the wheel lost at ev-
cry turn. He stated that the speech was
filled with words and few thoughts here
and there, citing few of his most bril-
liant arguments. The subject of his speech
was when is q dollar not a dollar and
during his remarks he said: THE American
people as people shall not allow this
thing. No! No! / say a thousand times.
No and although every man. woman ana