Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-10-17

''men folks" and lamentations on tina
physical impossibllty OF even Keeping the
appearance Of house within the bounds
OF decency. Humbly he makes his way
to the fireplace. and In deep humility he
HOSTS his feet at an angle Of forty de-
grees. But he finds no asylum there.
Like an eagle, the feather duster leaps
upon him. and a moment later he must
vacate In order that the ashes may be
taken up and l cents worth OF coal be
saved by twenty minutes inconvenience.
Ingn the woman gives a vheeZe OF con-
tentment, and the awful implement is laid
aside. With the baby In one arm and
tbs debris Of the papers. pipes, and let
ters In the other, the woman cedes the
conquered territory and leaves the room.
The man patiently sharpens another lead
pencil with widespread damages TO the
carpet, discovers another pipe with equal
capacity for creating asher, and In three
minutes has ensconced himself In ten
times as much dirt as there was before.
The curtain arises on another busting
brush; exeunt the second supply of pipes,
matches. and pencil shavings. And SO the
world wags. When lady friend boast
fully tells this much afflicted wife that
HER husband never leaves any trash
and loves to see things tidy. the much
afflicted. wife is scornful. she says she
wouldnt live with a man Ike that-that
he is "fnicky" and regular Sister
Nancy"
Don't you feel horrible when you ex-
pect the POSTMASTER at banquet TO call
on you for speech and you haven't the
thcusandth part OF an idea to illumine
H~a I'm
test of Man vs. Food, you snap at oysters
and toothsome viands In a half-hearted
way, for fear is within your soul and a
cold perspiration is trickling down your
back. The minutes seem like hours
and yet you would fam have centuries
in which to compose a few brief and
eloquent remarks" 1t Is a case of "you
want 10 and still you don't want to-"
Modesty being one Of your browning
characteristics, you of course sus-
pect that everybody wishes to hear
what you've got to say, but upon an
investigation Of your ideas you realize
that you've got nothing TO say. The
POSTMASTER raps things to order. thereby
checking what would otherwise re-
suit in widespread, overwheIm-
ing Indigestion. An exultant look
Is on his face. He knows that he will
have a chance to talk more than any
body else. and he rejoices in this assur-
ance. He smiles complacently and with
an air Of conscious superiority. Every
man shivers; every partaker OF the feast
fears that his time has come. The toast
master after delivering himself of the
magnificent effort which he has rehearsed
eight times before his unprotected wife.
looks around him in q patronizing way
and says:
Friends. Countrymen, and Fellow
Citizens" Cor whatever his associates may
be),--"We have In our midst tonight q
gentleman whose talents, benevolence
and fame need no praise at my hands"
Horror o'erspreads the whole assemblage
Each man believes and in his heart is
convinced that these remarks apply to
him. Each man finds his tongue wallow-
Ing in parched desert and his brain an
awful. Unreasonable blank. Each man
struggles TO conquer frightful trembling
In his knees. Each man knows his wife
would giggle herself TO death II she saw
him.
The speaker adds: TT gives me pleasure
to introduce TO this large and cultured |
audience Mr.. Windy Gasbagg." Gap |
plause and a few misapplied bars of music |
by the band.
AS Mr.. Gasbagg speaks. Just resent. !
ment surges up within you. You see that /
he is boring everybody to death, and |
you know how much more the audience |
would appreciate your remarks-that is, |
II you had any ideas worth putting into !
words When the monotonous old fossil |
concludes, you feel that you have done |
an act OF charity to applaud him. and /
you wonder how he has lived SC long un-
choked. But In the midst Of all these |
thoughts the awful fear again seizes you
You feel that the company can 10 longer
exist without speech from you. And |
yet you still have nothing to say, except \
a fragmentary "This-is- wholly-unexpect
ed -to-me," or the painfully truthful state
ment that you are no speaker.
But the POSTMASTER, in his immeasu-
rable stupidity, again calls out another
little man who has sat in
the corner trying to look Indifferent
His speech Is thousand times worse
than yours would be-that Is, providing
you could ind something TO say. and you
rejoice that the audience will soon hear
good-to wit your address, as
soon as you have thought II out.
When the little, Insignificant man who
win never learn to make q speech FITS
down your heart r. again In your mouth, |
which mouth, by the way. IL az dry
as a seafoam cracker. But you envy your
1 associates the treat that Is before them
IA other words, the Grafton which you are
going to deliver with such force and
power.
The POSTMASTER. now hopelessiy inca
,abls of attending to his duties. idioti-
ally calls upon the man who looked
thoughtful after the sixth course. This
nan admits that the shock touched him
and spends twenty minutes
n asserting that he, too. Is no speaker
/ fact which he beautifully demonstrated
n this frst ten words he uttered |.
In the course Of the evening the toast
masters imbeciIity assumes more ana