The times., 1897-11-09
THE ARIZONA KICKER.


Editor HellSo Runs Up Against Civ
iIization While on Business Trip.
The editor of the Arizona Kicker. the
mayor Of Giveadam Gulch the postmaster
of the sane town, the state senator OF
the Third district and the deputy United
states marshal for the Eastern district
of Arizona, all Of whom are ourself, and
signing his name Jim Hellso, left home
last week for business trip to st. Louis.
As We took our place in the stage to
drive 70 tie railroad the band played,
See the Conqueriug Hero Goes That
was US. If there is anything out in this
Tcrritory We haven't got onto with both
feet, we dent know where it is hidden
away.
Our esteemed contemporary had heard
the news that we were going East TO
buy supplies for the Kicker office and
niingle with the great world for time.
and he was on hand to see us off. He
likewise had his old gun along and fired
three or fear shots at US, with the usual
result. We beg to repeat our former as.
sertions that he ought to have been
coEtent to remain the owner of cider
mill.
When we boarded the train and produced
| our deadhcad railresad pass, the conductor
took TO us at once. In our private grave
yard lies the body of d brother of his
whose career was q blotch on the escutcEeon
of the family, and the family have always
been thankful to us for removing the
wandering sheep and decorating his grave
with trailing arbutus, We removed him
without malice afCrethought and as
gently as we could and not until after he
Lad Kicked in the door of our office and
opened fire on us with two guns.
IT. was our first adventure with dining
and sleeping cars, but the conductor was
pleasedto assure us that our conduct, under
the trying circumstances, was all tha
could be hoped for. No one who saw us
handle fork and napkin could have sus-
pected that at home We were in the habit
of cutting our bear steaks with lack
knife and wiping our mouth on our coat
tails. The berthS iii the sleeper bothered
us OF first, but we soon caught on to the
racket and had both boots off before
the conductor made a suggestion. In con
Siderai ion OF the feelings of certain timrI
passengers we gave the porter our guns
to take charge of during the night, and
we do net remember to have enioved a
sw, eter Sleep
The Kicker, in common with the great
majority OF Giveadam Gulch has been op-
posed TO the rapid leaps and bounds of
civilization, as tending to unsex the bone
and snew of the great Western empire,
but from this date onward we shall take a
broader and more liberal view of the gen.
eral situation, EMF we lose half our suit
Spriberg nd ErfnU ha f1rrrf,ar ,-;.t;,,,.
in our private graveyard mp to an even
score.
For the past five years we have argued
that Giveadam Gulch was the only place
in America worth living in, and have felt
pity for the poor critters who were obliged
to put in time elsewhere. In our trip we
ran across half hundred towns which can
give us fifty points and then win the game.
Old jim Hewson, who was born in the year
/, ana VITO thinks this is only the year 2.
viii probably shoot at US for thus publicly
stating our convictions, but truth is mighty
and viii prevail. We may he ousted from
our postnasterShp for stating that we
passed through hundred places having
mere saloons than our Gulch, with city
halls twice asimposiug, but We have always
been man to take chances.
No baud out at st. Louis to welcome
us, but as it was raining heavily, and all
the bands We're extra busy that day, We
did not feel injured to any great extent
We hatlIi I been in tue town an hour before
We felt that ii they would Coax a few
COW boys int town anu permit g. itrle
shooting at telegraph poles and saloon
fanlights, we should feel perfectly at home
At the totei we rode upstairs in an eie