Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1897-05-09
BAD FOR THE WIFE.
THE "rDLERv DESCRIBES A MEAN
MAN WITH THE "BLUEs."
4 SORT OF SWAPPING TURTLE.
What Woman Can Do With = Month
full Of Pins-sbe Doesn't Need Sus-
penders-A Peep Into Masculine
Pockets.

tient reader, with feeling OF overwhelm-
ing dependency that made you estimate
your own good qualities at the humble Va,
luation you place on your personal pro-
perty when II Is listed for taxation? In
other words. have you ever had what wo-
men call the "bIuss"? II is species OF
melancholy which. II you suffer from 1t
yourself, justines you in being cross and
snappish TO the whole world. On such &C.
casons as these you realize that all the
mean things your W fe says about you are
true. 1t is likewise on such occasions
that you amply sustain your reputation
for being mean, and evoke still more ex-
corations from your yokemate. From
start to finish you find something to grum-
BILE about, and all the while you are Sc
cretly wondering why some publ bene-
factor doesn't break your neck. Ere you
have fully awakened you raise howl ba-
cause your semi-weekly change of linen
hasn't been fetched, and when, at last,
you discover II under your very nose, you
Kick because II wasn't placed where you
could readily find II. Your rage is sublime
when you realize that the morning paper
contain ng the story Of the ball game
has been stolen. and at breakfast
you storm because the coffee is thinner
than usual. You are grossly insuited
when your wife reminds you that you for
got to order the coal on yesterday, and
you deeply resent the cheerful look of this
individual when she sees you capture a
street car and disappear. At the Of
lice uf you are boss you raise sand"
because the mail Is late, the ink too thick,
or the blotters missing. IL you are a
mere employee you harbor malicious
thoughts against your employer because
he hasn't raised your salary and is
grinding you down to skin and bones
Woe to the book agent or insurance man
who drops in that day. Not even a
pretty girl, with the old story Of clear
ing off mortgage. could persuade you
to subscribe to her encyclopedia. In your
spare moments you write caustic letters
TO the men who have borrowed money
from you and are dilatory about refund
Ing. And still more caustic communica-
lions do you indite to those to whom
you owe money. when you start home to
dinner you observe that the street cars
do not appear with that CELEBRITY which
your convenience demands. and on the
corner of leading thoroughfare you de-
liver denunciatory grafton on their
hardness and curse the newspapers be-
cause they do not roast" the manage
ment. Altogether, you are like unto a
porcupine. and realizing this fact, you
condone your faults by telling yourself
that you are suffering from an awful at
tack OF melancholy.
1t Is with Indignation you observe that
your wife isn't having spasms OF joy at
your temperance, and you are pain
fully hurt that she doesn't tell you how
badly you are looking. In fact. she acts
as if she would cheerfully assist in deco
rating your grave with the choicest
floral emblems. At dinner you suddenly
become imbued with the idea that the
children haven't pretty table manners mot
even angel children have themD, and you
attack the youngsters so vigorously that
they actually forget their appetites.
After the beefsteak has been removed
with that care which indicates prepara-
tons for a stew at supper. you keep your
seat in the fond, but delusive, hope that
dessert is to follow. You feel that
something sweet" IS the one thing in
the world that will restore your equani-
nifty. You notice that your tyrant Is
eye as you wait in expectation. and that
a suspicion of a smile turks on her face
She let's you sit there and when you
finally thunder, Bring In the dessert"
she sweetly says, mot any to-day, dear"
This is the last straw that
breaks the camel's back. Dessert Is the
one thing that would have cheered you
up and restored that amiabe tempera-
ment on which you (and you, alone)
,.fI L.. it,
the victim OF the worst housekeeping
on the face of the earth. and are mildly
told that even Delmonico couldn't run
his establishment on a dollar a day.
Snorting with indignation at many
imagined wrongs and insults that have
been heaped upon you, you return to the
office and give your stenographer four
times as many letters as she can write
in day You also resolve TO go to the
club that night and to religiously alb
stain from telling your wife the gossip
and Jokes you heard from the boys.
This, you know, Is the most cruel punish
ment you can inflict upon her.
When you reach home at a la to hour you
recall the fact that you have forgotten
your night-latch key. and IL is with a
grim pleasure that you arouse your wife
to let you in. You regret that you cannot
blame her for your forgetfulness and
that she refuses to pick a fuss with you.
Just before you retire you tell her you
hope she won't be so cross tomorrow.
The two predominant characteristics OF
woman are her skill with q pin and her
tendency to sit on the floor when she puts
on her stockings. On the latter peculi-
arity 1 must dwell most gingerly. but of
the formers can speak unreservedly.
With a plain, everyday pin, such as man
is loath to sit upon, the dominant sex
can accomplish feats that make US mar
vel. This useful implement she usually
carries in her fangs. and why she doesn't
swallow 1t is more than masculine phi
side of her mouth, While through the
other she hurs the thunderbolts of her
loquacity. AS an infant / once tried the
experiment myself, and was Immediately
thereafter the recipient OF much parental
anxiety TO say nothing of divers dis
agreeable medicines. / should have men,
toned in the beginning that I was also
the recipient of the pin. But not SO
with woman, gentle woman. Armed to
the teeth, as 1t were Tor rather as 1t really
is), with this prickly instrument-some-
times with several-she cheerfufly goeth
about her household duties, and ere many
minutes She finds some use for her me-
tailic helpmate. Possibly she may want
to fasten on her collar with II. whereas
| two patent buttons can't fill the bill with
us. Six buttons, aided by the stoutest
suspenders, alias "galluses." are requisite
for the support of masculine trousers,
and yet the ice-cream fanatics can hitch
up dress with just one little pin. And
what is more. they can so clinch 1t that
the support will never give way. nor can
II be detected by masculine eyes. A true
woman would as soon think OF flying as
using buttons for her cuffs. Here again
she uses the pin from her mouth. In fact,
she is literally pinned together. inside
and outside. IL may so designate her