The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1896-05-03
HEAT And ITS MISERIES.
Bah Argues That Satan InVented The
Thermometer.
STARCH Bag As OLD LADY'S STANDBY.
Hot Tea as Cooling Bcvcrage-Mans
Tribute to Fashion-On the Wearing OF
Uncomfortable Ciothes-How
Babies Fare in Summer.

NEW YORK, April Son very cold
days in winter we sing hymn describ-
ing the Joys OF heaven as consisting prin-
cipally of never-ending music ana sum-
mer weather. The writer OF that hymn
never lived In New YORK. summer
weather I'm New York means sun on both
sides OF the street, it means absolutely
no getting away from the fiery rays, ana
1t means general depravity. The only rea-
son why every one OF Us doesn't Kill MS
neighbor during the hot days is because
some exertion would be required, and
then. too the blood would look hot. That
Is the only why-for. When the ther-
mometer is at ninety-five in the shade,
every man sis every mans enemy, ana
every woman hates every woman with an
intensity that can only be appreciated by
Satan.
The messenger boy who answers your
call has lis c3p cooked on the back OF his
head, and eNudes heat. lie quarrels win
you about tho tariff, and presents or
oranges or apples have no effect on him.
The book may say one thing, but ne says
another: and he is grumpy and Disagree
able, doubts your being n perfect lady,
and fully believes that tho place OF pun
ishment intended for people who want err
rands run is Hot. spelled with a capital
II. The elderly lady who walks Broad
way, with a tiny black silk parasol be-
tween her and the sunshine, wonders that
she feels so wicked. Her broad back IL
covered with black alpaca; and all black
materials absolutely seduce sun rays 10
come and rest upon them. She wears
mitts, and goes into the big shops re-
tires to the ladies' parlor so that she
may have an opportunity to use her starch
bag. She doesn't believe in "boughten
powder" Her mode OF preparing the
cooling stuff is TO bang the starch with a
totato- masher. until it is a fine powder,
and pour Florida water over 1t. and then,
when il is dry. put il In a flannel bag.
This is her refuge in trouble. When the
Precipitation streams down her face, she
stops the liquid warmth by dabs with the
starch bag, and she looks. after she has
used the starch bag without mirror.
like a study IL red and white, the red
undertaking the white. while the white
rapidly becomes lumpy. She would lose
her complexion altogether. but when she
gets homo. limp and with no falth In
anything, with a doubt even as 10 the
truth OF the Westminster Catechism. she
takes cup Of hot tea 10 brace her up,
this brings about a profuse perspirauon'
a perspiration which amounts 10 rain
storm, and the dear old soul IL saved
mentally and morally. while she drips.
HOW IT AFFECTS THE TEMPER.
Weather affects the temper. OF the ele-
vator boy. Yesterday he was deeply in
terested in a novel called The Queen OF
Rubies, or, Who Was She?" But today
he does not care a continental whether
she was a typewriter or a manicure. but
he knows. he hates everybody. He Won
ders II there is a hereafter. He thinks he
is getting his taste of It now. riding up
and down i'm hall room by the power
OF steam. Civllty and he are unknown
quantities He wonders why he was ever
born, and why If he had TO be born, he
was fool enough TO be born in a country
where the weather man gives you August
heat in April, and March winds in July.
You can't tip him into pleasaRtness. The
heat has affected him 50 that all he hopes
for is a sudden disappearance OF himself
into the poetical wave that washes the
shores, and makes one acquainted with
the dirt that comes from New York TO
Coney Island.
He despises the girl that went up In
the elevator little while ago. She look
ed cool. He heard her telling her sister
her method for keeping cool, and he Won
dered how il would work II she had 10
wear heavy blue cloth clothes with gold
braid and gold buttons on them. She
said: II first take a very hot bath and
then, after the usual drying process. L
powder myself well with the very best
French powder. No. no starch for me.
Then put on the lightest Of underwear,
a silk skirt and a shirt waist. l am wise
enough TO have a sensible waist measure
ment; IL is twenty-four, by-the-bye, and
so 1 am not drawing a belt in and MAX
- a al Il 81
ways amuses me to think about the wo-
men who lace; the judgment is so certain
and so sure. They not only get red faces,
but they get red noses. and the red of
their nose is the kind that comes 10 stay.
Oh. anybody can be cool If they want
tor 1t was only the electrocution. that
beastly effect that prevented the elevator
boy from killing her outright, for every
body cannot be cool.
MAN AS FASHIONS SLAVE.
Talk about women being slaves OF fash
ion-that's nonsense. Poor. benighed
man doesn't dare put on a straw hat. no
matter how hot the weather is. until
certain date has come about. And the
consequence is that poor, benighted man
is hot Hot with vengeance. hot as
the honest worker in a melOdrama. Hot
In such way that he makes everybody
In his home more uncomfortable. The
family wonder what is the matter with
father. This is the matter. As father
Is a fool, like most other men. he does
not suit his clothes 10 the thermometer,
and he is wearing a stiff shirt, a heavy
waistcoat, equally heavy trousers. an
ordinary winter coat and a high silk hat.
And that he doesn't turn into a grease
spot is only because the gentleman who
reigns in the regions down below has
other little terrors waiting for him.
The woman of fashion doesn't have an
easy time when the hot days come. she
must live up 10 her reputation for fine
dressing, and 1t doesn't please her when
she realizes that drops OF water, those
little drops so affectonatcly sung about,
are slowly but surely travelling over her
cheeks, and making rather confused
mess OF the rouge and the powder and
the blue lines that Size has so carefully
arranged. She doesn't look well unless
she has a few soft curls on her forehead,
and no matter how closely they are curl
ed. this peculiar weather (decency COM
pels me 10 call 1t by no stronger nance
knocks out all curs except those that
nature has arranged. SuR collars will
grow limp satin stocks lose all their
dignity, and frills OF lace have a droopy
look that is demoralizing. The woman OF
fashion prefers the cold weather.
THE BABIES SUFFER.
will tell you who are 20 be pitied these
hot days-the babies. The poor little
mites are swathed in flannel and folded
in huge cloaks, not allowed to hear be-
cause Of thick silk caps, and not allowed
to breathe because OF thick lace wells.
Those baby lips would so like a sip OF