davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
HUMOROUS.

-He-''Madam, you have my assur-
ance that l am gentlemanl" She
II have no reason to doubt your assur-
ance."-Harlem Life.
An Idea.-"An' phwat are yez a.
doin' wild that pig in the sea?' "Shure,
an I'm making salt pork av him afore
/ kill him."-Truth.
Paw" said Tommy Tucker, Fam
tdescended from the monkey?" Not on
my side of the house." replied Mr..
Tucker, with much positiveness.-Tit-
Bits.
--Mamma-"Johnny, / fear you We're
not at school yesterday" Johnny
HIN! I'll bet the teacher told you.
A woman never can keep a secret
Boston Transcript.
-Bacon-"In Venezuela they have
trees which look exactly like umbrel-
las" Egbert-"I should think they'd
be afraid to leave them out all night
then" Statesman.
During the Interval. - Robbie
"Papa, do green apples always give a
boy pain?" Bingo-"I believe so.
Why?" II was wondering if this was
going to be an exception to the rule
Brooklyn Life.
Prince de Cont was not fastidious
on the subject of the mass. He wished
to have for his almoner Able Provost,
the author of "Manon Lescaut." "Mon-
seigneur," said the able to him, 81 have
never said mass" ''Never mind" says
the prince, II never hear it."-London
Figaro. ........
Tive got great mind" said the
young man, "to go west and grow up
with the country" But you don't
know anything about agriculture" 81
know that. But there are one or two
sections where there seems to be so
many politicians that 1 believe an ener-
eetic man could come pretty near get
ting monopoly of the farming
Washington Star.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
How Love Found n Way,

Congressman Amos Cummings says
that on Pennsylvania avenue car the
other morning he saw young man who
will some day go to congress, or become
president, or both. The young man
entered the car just opposite the treas
ury department. He saw that the only
vacant seat was beside young lady
acquaintance, and she was a fascinating
beauty.
The young man made for that seat
with joyous strides, and her eyes an
swered his with delighted looks. But
just as he got there an elderly party
walked up and dropped into the coveted
seat. The young man approached more
slowly and accoSted the young lady.
How is your brother?" he asked;
ais he able to get out?'
"Ob, yes" she answered.
viii he be very badly marked ?" he
continued, and the old man grew sud-
denly interested.
"Oh, no." she said, with the excep.
tion OF few marks on hi. forehead"
.Were you not afraid of taking it?"
the young man continued while the old
gentleman broke out in a cold perspira.
ton,
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
Adjoining Trees.

Who but the ingenious French would
have dreamed of decora ting city by
adjoining trees, which in Paris have al
ready lost their leaves, With masses of
paper flowers, turning this one to the
flush of peach and that To white shower
of apple blossoms? 1t is hard to see
why this should be laughed at, since
there is only the question OF producing
a color effect; and the natural flowers,
which some would have placed in fes-
toons and bouquets among the bare
boughs, would exhaust the resources
even of Paris, rich as she is in all deco
rative devices.-Buffalo Commercial.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
LIVELY GOLF GAME.
Requires Little Room and Is Played by
Sides from One to Four.

Requires Little Room and Is Played by
Sides from One to Four.
More than score of years ago square
and circle or small golf was popular
outdoor game in England. 1t has, how
ever, never been played in this country.
The game has some of the character
istics of golf, and offers an excellent
opportunity for training to mastery
of the latter favorite pastime. Not the
least of its advantages is found in the
fact that, like golf, 1t admits of varia-
ton in the area of the ground played
over, while smooth surface is not es-
sential.
Whatever the size of the ground de-
termined, it must be laid out as nearly
as possible in square. The diagram
shows the method used in marking the
ground. ...... ..s.. ..... ..
For example, the space chosen might
be ten yards square. In that event, the
center circle would be about half yard
in diameter, the others of the same size.
Each of the squares would be one yard
square. In any other extent of playing
surface the relative area of the parts
would be the same.
Each of the players must be equipped
with mallet, as in croquet, hockey
sity for uniformity among the players.
One may prefer the mallet, another a
curved stick. ......
There is one ball only, which must be
hard and about the size of the regula-
ton baseball.
The number of players may be any
number from two to eight. An expla-
nation of the game as played by the
last named team will be easier.
The eight are divided into two sides
of four each. The 'in" side then occu-
pies the circles, A, Il, G and ID, the "out"
side taking the four squares.
When all are in position the player at
A strikes the ball toward b, trying to
drive ii within the circle. If he is sue
cessful in this attempt, the player at B.,
in his turn, drives the ball toward c..
The player at G, il the shot be accurate,
sends the ball to d, if possible. The
player at ID must then drive it to o. II
this is done, the game is won. In the
following games the positions of the
two sides are reversed.
If the player at A fails in his shot
the player at has the ball, and, taking
it to his square, drives it toward 2. If
the ball gains that square, the "out"
side continues with it, endeavoring to
send it from square to square until the
center is reached when the pame iS
won by that side.
The rule is that whenever a player
fails in a shot, the player Of the oppo-
site side, whose location is nearest the
balls stopping place, gains possession
of the ball for the next shot.
The most important positions are
those of the players at and d, since it,,
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10

of the boys from Lancaster county
stepped up to the picket line, saluted,
and said: ~
'Good morning, Mr.. President"
Good morning." replied ''Old Abe"
He then added: What can l do for
you?"
The soldier hesitated for awhile, but,
noticing the presidents kindly look,
finally said: Ha .w
THE fact of the matter is, Mr.. Presi-
dent, we haven't had any money for two
months now and everyone of us is dead
broke, and I'm almost dead for chew
of tobacco"
A smile lit up the face of the great
war president as he received this in
formation, and then his hand went
down into his pocket. Drawing forth a
silver dollar he handed it to the
''broken" volunteer and said:
at shan't be said that one of my sol
diers died for the want of some tobacco.
/ need his services too much for that.
Buy some tobacco with this, and think
by the time it is gone you will have re-
ceived all the money that is due you"
With gratitied thank you, Mr..
President" the soldier lifted his cap
and passed quickly to the rear. The
pack salary was paid soon afterwards,
so that the soldier boy begged no more
fobacpo
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
CHANGES IN THE EARTH'S AXIS.
Continual Slight Changes in All Parallels
of Latitude.

of Latitude.
OF all the astronomical problems I'M
der discussion OF late yeas, one of the
most interesting has been that of
changes in the earth's axis. 1t has been
found that the Imaginary line about
which the earth rotatcs once a day is
not invariably fixed with reference to
the earth, but is continually changing
its position in that body. The term
"pole" has, therefore, to be taken in
two different senses: (D AS the end
of the shortest diameter of the earth
this is fixed point, with reference to
the earth, as long as the earth keeps its
shape, and may be called the pole of
figure" (2) the pole may be defined as
the end of the diameter about which the
earth is revolving, and this pole may be
called the pole of rotation"
1t is found that the pole of rotation
is continually shifting its position with
reference to the pole of figure, along a
curved line of considerable complexity.
The distance between the poles is very
small, never as much as 40 feet. Large
~ through the unwearied researches of
DIR. S. c. Chandler the motion has been
shown to be mainly composed of two
parts. One part is motion of the
pole of rotation about the pole of figure
in a circle of radius ~ feet, with time
of revolution of about 42S days. The
second motion is of somewhat the same
character, but with a period of one year,
and the amplitude of this motion has
varied during the last half century from
four to twenty feet.
Some idea of the actual motion may
he got by imagining crank-arm IL feet
long attached to the pole of figure and
revolving once in 42s days. TO the NOV
ing end of this crank-arm is attached
another, which gradually changes in
length and revolves once year. The
free end of this traces out the path Of
the pole of rotation. The actual path is
apparently quite complicated.
One of the principal effects of this
shifting of the pole is that the attitudes
of all places on the earth are continually
changing. In fact, it was by this peri
odic variation in the latitude that the
motion of the pole was detected. All
parallels of latitude are continually
shifting, with a range of motion of less
than 40 feet from the mean position.
There is little or no astronomical evil
dence of any progressive change in the
position of the pole of rotation, by vir-
tue of which it occupied position
greatly different from the present. APP
parently the former existence of trop-
ical plants and animals in what are now
polar regions of the earth could be ex-
planned on such a hypothesis; but no
one has yet been able to suggest prob
able cause in the axis of rota ton, and
an explanation must be looked for else
where. The small, periodic variations
are the only ones about which we can be
at all certain.-Popular Science News.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
BOYS FIRE DEPARTMENT.
Brooklyn Youngsters Have Lots of Fun
with = Toy Patrol Wagon.

with Toy Patrol Wagon.
Several Brooklyn boys have organized
a fire department of their own. Tho
ages of the little firemen range from IL
to 10 years, Ernest Grant, the foreman
and organizer of the company, being the
Oldest. They have n complete patrol
outfit, consisting of two goats seven
hands high in their bare hoofs, one reg
ularly constructed patrol wagon Of
small size made to fit the goats, one fire.
extinguisher improvised from a tin
water-cooler and half-inch rubber
tube, one scaling ladder and all the APP
pliances found among the equipment of
modern patrol company's headquar-
ters. The uniforms are blue overalls
and blouses, with rubber boots, rubber
coats, fatigue caps and gaudy red fire
hats of regulation block.
The goats names are Tom and Bill,
and they have been trained by the boys
until there is not horse in all the regu-
lar department which responds more
faithfully and quickly to the clang OF
the alarm gong than do Tom and Bill.
With them the boys have made a quick
hitch" record of ten seconds. No such
sleek goats were ever seen on the rock
ribbed hills of Shantytown. Tom is a
wiry-haired maltese and Bill boasts a
brndled yellow complexion.
The boys live near the house of engine
company No. 35, and all summer long
each of the lads was prompt at roll call
at eight o'clock every morning. Their
names were duly registered at lunch
time. All fire alarms and the time they
were sounded were entered in the blot
ter with red ink. In fact, everything
about the place was conducted j,fst as
it is in regular patrol house. all day
the goats stood in their stalls back of
the lilliputian patrol wagon ready to
dart out and place themselves under
the drop harness at the sound Of an
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
Az Exciting as Football.

During the Fifty-tirst congress, when
Speaker Reed was making his cele
brated and notorious rulings and the
D house of representatives was in con-
slant turmoil, Henry Cabot Lodge es-
corted Bishop Phillips Brooks upon the
floor of the house and gave him seat
on the republican side, where he was
visited by many congressman who knew
and admired him. After awhile he was
given a seat beside Maj. Mckinley,
where he could easily see and hear
all that was in progress on the floor.
Mr.. Mckinley sat on his right side and
Mr.. Lodge on his left, and they eX-
planned to him the subject under dis
cussion and the parliamentary points
involved. 1t was field day for disor-
der and fun. The democrats by the
dozens were on their feet protesting
against the speakers rulings; the
speaker was insisting on his PROPOSE
tions; and the republicans were assist
ing him by trying to howl their oppo-
nents down.
Mr.. Brooks~entered into the occasion
with his whole soul. That the whole
proceeding was surprise to him was
apparent. He evidently had no idea
that the house ever resolved itself into
pandemonium in that way. But he
leaned forward and turned this way
and that in order to catch look at the
shouters, and laughed with the others
until the tears ran down his face.
In one of the lulls Mr.. Mckinley
leaned over and asked Mr.. Brooks how
he liked it.
80, very much!" exclaimed the rev.
erend gentleman, with enthusiasm.
"Why, it's as exciting as football"
When the remark was repeated in
conversation in the chamber later in
the day somebody remarked: when
Reed hears that he'll be miserable be-
. cause he didn't say it,"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
Toilet Hints.

If ones complexion is muddy" sal
low or covered with blackheads, the
lotion bottle is not the remedy which
should be sought first. Instead, the
candidate for a complexion of roses and
cream should begin to diet. Hot water
taken half an hour before breakfast
with little lemon juice in it is better
than creams to restore the skin to clear
ness. Graham and whole wheat bread,
fruit, clear tea and coffee, if tea and
coffee are used, plenty of green vege-
tables, lean meat and broiled fish form
an admirable complexion diet. Pastry
and candies should be avoided. After
diet and exercises have paved the way
for other treatment, weekly face
steaming may be tried. The woman
whose purse does not permit her to
goto the professional beautificrs should
fill bowl with boiling water. Over this
she should hold her face, into which
cold cream has been rubbed, for ten
minutes or so, covering her head and
shoulders and the bowl with heavy
Turkish towel. After drying the face
she should rub more cold cream into it,
and she should not venture out into the
air for at least three hours.-Boston
Budget.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
FIELD DIAGRAM FOR SMALL GOLF.

when they gain the ball, they fail to
place it in o, they lose the winning
stroke, and the player on the opposite
side nearest whom the ball is gains the
mastery of the ball.
The ball must never be touched after
it is driven until it is fully stopped.
IF it is interfered with while in mo-
ton the last player may repeat his
shot.
If the ball passes beyond the limits
of the course at any time it is next
played from the square or circle nearest
the point where it left the ground.
Any number less than eight appor-
tons two or more squares or circles to
each player, as may be necessary. The
game can be played by an odd number
by proper allotment of squares.
Three games constitute an ordinary
set on a large ground, five on smaller
one. The fact that it can be played on
rough ground, without the even lawn
necessary for croquet and tennis, is of
Importance Boston Globe.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
Had Nothing at Am TO Saw.

Senator-elect Money, of Mississippi,
is one of the best story-tellers in con-
gress, and all of his variations have
point, pith and moral. He usually tells
stories concerning southern people, be-
fore, during and since the war. His
imitation of darby dialect cannot be
accurately reproduced. This morning
he told of Mississippi planter who be-
came engaged to the belle of the !coun-
ty, one of the most beautiful women in
the entire lower Mississippi valley. She
had fine form, dignifed bearing,
handsome features and perfect COM
plexion. Her temper, however, was like
that of Xantippe. jeff was the name of
an old darby on the plantation who
was grown man when the planter was
child. He had cared for the planter
in boyhood. He was devoted servant,
proud of his master and interested in
everything that affected his welfare.
But he said nothing about the wedding.
The planter noted the fact and preached
the subject. .s.-s. q.
jeff" he said, one day, you know
I'm going to marry Miss Bellinger?'
YES" replied the darby, Il know it"
II haven't heard you say anything
about it," said the planter. -
NO." was the answer; faint for
me to do muffin about it. 1 isn't got
muffin to say. a"@ .#
Isn't she pretty?" asked the planter.
"Oh, YES" said the darby, she am
pretty" ..a.. ....
The planter was provoked at his tone
and manner.
Look here, jeff" he said, what the
devil is the matter with your
"Oh, isn't sayin' nuffin'!" was the
reply.
mo, know that, but you're doing a
deal of thinking. What's your opinion
about it ?" IL .
We'll, massa," responded jeff, with
some hesitation, you knows one thing
the most pisonesest snakes has got
the most prettiestest skins"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
An Amusing Introduction.

The little word "again" once threw
4 large assembly into fits of laughter.
1t was at public meeting in New York.
One of the speakers, Rev. Mr.. R, had
the misfortune, when he tried to take
his seat, to miss his chair, and come
down at full length on the platform.
The accident caused not little subdued
mirth. When at last it came his turn
to speak the presiding officrr intro
duced him in these words: "Rev. Mr..
R will again take the floor" The
reverend gentleman never met with ~
enthusiastic reception as greeted tho
announcement.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
FOR YOUNG PEOPLE.
WHAT THE CLOCK SAYS.

What does the clock say, loud and clear.
Upon the mantel high?
Hark! only two wee words hear.
While snug in bed am l.
The whole day long II sang tick, tock!"
Now IL has changed it's tune, this clock.
You're good! you're goodv' 1t seems t.
say,
When have been quite good all day.
What does the clock say, loud and clear,
When lips have learned to pout?
How II should know I'm bad Is queer,
I'm puzzled to find out.
And yet when all the house is still,
a voice the whole room seems to MI.
You're bad! quite bad!" hear II say;
Who told II was bad all day?
George Cooper. in Our Little Ones.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
INTERPRETING POLICE DIALECT.
The Court Was "Next" to That Sort of
Language.

Language.
you see, yer honor" said the copper
to the court, 81 pipes dis guy squeezin'
de glim, an"
whats that?"
Stealing diamond, SIR" interposed
the clerk.
"An'," went on the copper, when he
gifts fly dat I'm next he lands his tongs
in me lamps"
''Stuck his fingers in the officers eyes,
your HONOR explained the clerk again.
81 trows me wings around 'im," con-
tinued the copper, IAN, Citing mex dat
de pinch is on de level de gun blows de
glim an puts de case on de bum"
(Which means, said the clerk, that
he threw his arms around the prisoner
and that as soon as the thief saw he
couldn't get away he threw the diamond
in the street and spoiled the charge of
robbery"
"And now" said the copper, II hez
on'y me own whistle an kin only
squeeze out de one tune"
"Or, in other words" said the clerk,
che has only his own word to offer as
evidence
The court pondered a moment, then
said:
"Case of conalorum and very much on
the string order. My own lamps are
on the bum and I can't see the spiel.
All of which means that the officers
liar and that he can't build any monu-
ments for himself in this court at the
expense of tin horn who couldn't steal
an eyebrow off flea without letting the
whole fly force in with it. Blow the gun
and tell the guy in blue that he's little
the coarsest that ever trotted down the
bicycle path. Next!"-St. Paul Dis
patch.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
Little Girl and the Cakes,

When the japanese boy or girl begs
for q story the mother or father some
times tells him this little fable about
the little girl and the rice cakes: "Once
a little girl was told by her mother to
make rice cakes. But the little girl
wanted to play shuttlecocll, and left the
dough in the bowl. A little imp in the
shape of frog came ond when the little
girl was in the midst of her play he
threw the dough into the air. IL fell
upon the girls head and streamed down
over her shoulders until she was en-
tirely covered. Her mother came, and,
supposing it was all dough, threw her
into the oven. And so the naughty lit
tie girl was baked in rice cake"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
The I3ladderW Drt.

One of the most curious enemies of
British fresh-water fish is small float
ing water reed-the bladderwort. Along
its branches are number of small green
vesicles or bladders, which, being fur
nished with tiny jaws, seize upon the
little fish, which are assimilated into
its substance. This is subtle poacher,
the true character of which has only
lately been detected.-St. Louis Repub-
lie
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
pigs The Size of Rats.

A hog that was no bigger than house
rat would hardly seem like much of
hog, would it? Yet, in Australia there
is breed of pigmy pigs no bigger than
that. They are like the larger breeds
in every respect, except in the size of
their squeals and their appetites. They
are said, too, to be quite as unclean In
their habits as are those with which We
are familiar.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10

Not At all" she replied; Il had been
vaccinated, you know"
The seat was vacated instantly, the
two innocent young hearts beat as half
dozen. and the prattle of mice talk"
strewed that part of the car, while an
old gentleman scowled upon them from
the distant corner.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-12-10
A DistinctioD.

81 suppose" said the native of Ameri-
ca to the foreigner, that you find our
manners and customs very interesting"
"Not exactly" replied the visitor, az
ne gazed at a feeting bicycle girl
"What / find interesting are your man
ners and costumes" Chicago Inter
Ocean.