The record-union., 1896-05-10
THE TYRANT TELEPHONE.
All Men Compelled to Dance Attendance
Upon Il.
While the Hello is Often Annoy
ing We Would Not Do
Without It.

the land. There can be no doubt about
the matter whatever. Many tyrants
have fiourished and fallen, but none
were quite so absolute as is this one. 1t
has no regard for personal pride or
private troubles. 1t is no respecter of
persons, and whether they be high Of
low, rich or poor, drunk or sober, it is
the same cold-blooded tyrant.
The President of the United States is
as much it's slave as he is said to be
that of Wall street, while the men who
sell calico or picked pork are in no
wise exempt.
You must recognize it's demands. If
you fail to do SO you are miserable for
the remainder of the day, for your
tyrant is a tattler and usually has some
sort of yarn to spin for you. Refuse
to listen, and you are conscience smit-
ten for the remainder of the day. You
are like the little boy who fired his gun
into the thicket-you don't know what
you have missed.
1ou may go into the mountains on a
fishing excursion and be free for a time.
but woe be to you when you return, for
since the days of Jonah there has been no
greater vendor of fish stories than this
same tyrant.
This hideous tyrant is extremely low
bred, too, for it will break into the
middle of am interesting conversation,
no matter whether it be love or war,
theology or politics, and that without
saying SO much as excuse me-"
1t is no Chestnut" either, though it
does ring bell for your benefit. What
1t has to say may not amount to much,
but you cannot invite it to take seat in
the hall and warm its toes while it
waits. 1t is a second Banquo's ghost,
and will not down"
If the candidate for Congress from
your district is in the midst of a very
fattering sentence extolling the beau
ties CD of your new baby, it cuts no
ice with the tyrant who breaks that
sentence in two and with it your heart.
A petty clerk sporting a supercilious
air and miniature mustache will wave
you to chair without so much as a
glance at your card, but his icy de-
meanor thaws out, and he is affabiIity
itself when the tyrant calls Yet he
hates that tyrant from the bottom of
his feet up, because he cannot see him
when he struts. Yes, he hates the ty-
rant fervidly and with malice afore-
thought.
Yet the reign of the tyrant is volun-
tary with many of us. We stand it's un-
timely challenge because it is, after all.
q friend to us, in that it saves us many
weary steps. 1t bullies us. but does our
walking for us, and has bursted up the
business of the messenger boy. 1t is
hot tafx1
boy, too-and we have a great respect
Tor the hurry-up propensities of the
boy-and the boy is disconsolate. But
he should look for the silver lining. for
man may rise in his might some day
and smite the tyrant-but he is not
likely to do so.
A man will leave his dinner at the
call of this tyrant, and he will leave
MS sweetheart (for a momenD. and
cases have been cited where he is said to
have left his mother -in-law. This. how
ever, has never been proven. and the
fact remains that the tyrant never
takes silence for an answer, though man
sometimes says mo- to it, which is
often satisfactory
AND that tyrant is a nineteenth CEN
tury innovation, which is deemed nee
essary for the expedition of that thing
called business" which really means
everything, and sometimes nothing. and
for lack Of better name is called ''teIe-
phone"
You may talk to your wife. or some
other mans wife, while you wait, and
may even lay yourself liable to a suit
Tor breech of promise, with the central
Office hello girI' as principal witness
for the woman at the other end.
If you are in the midst of an inter-
estng conference with your typewriter
girl-explaining certain business forms
and principles, of course-you are ruth
lessly torn from her side. and are
obliged to yell "Helloi" and "What?"
until you are hoarse and red in the face.
much to your disgust and that of the
typewriter girl in question, who prob
ably scents tickets to the theater or a
night out
Or your wife may ring you up while
you are discussing thelatest proposed re-
form with the Congressman from yo,1r
district, and tell you to order up pork
and cabbage for dinner, and from that
time on pork and cabbage at the ratio
OF Ito to l gets inextricably mixed I'M
with the issue of Government bonds
and the retirement of greenbacks.
Then a savage ring will bring you out
OF a fit of abstraction caused bv tho
wrong horse having got under the wire
nrst' and a squeaky voice asks if YOU
are Blank who runs the soap estab-
hshment. That is the hour to try your
soul! Blank is a good citizen, it is
true, put then he makes soap and gets
rlch, while you try to make money and
get soap" But you draw the line at
soap, and mentally curse the central of
nee Tor switching the washerwoman on
TO your l1ne-particularly if your last
months wash bill has been overlooked
in the press of business or hard times.
Or ring will bring you up and an
angelic voice which you have never
heard before will inform you, half
Historically, that "baby's got a TOOTH
Such an experience is, to say the least
embarrassing if it happens that you
have been married only six months: and
1t drives you wild if you are unmarried
ana are making advances to the widow
Smith, who has a handsome propertv
unlncumbered by any little Smiths.
Yet the tyrant has advantages for
you, too. 1t allows you to call Simp-
klns, who holds your note, against
which the statute Of limitation has
been leaning for ten years, a miserable
no-such-a-thing, and gives you a
chance to barricade the door and ring
up the police before the outraged cred
itor can put in an appearance. 1t will he
balm to your wounded sensibiIities TO
know that he has been locked up on sus-
picion of insanity or charge of COR
dinary drunk"
After all. there are numerous ad-