The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1896-02-26
THE BEAR ANDTHE ROMAN
Alkali Ike Tells Tale With m stPon&
Business Moral.

replied A1kan Ike in response to the query
| Of the guileless tourist. ''Hain't never
tasted it, don't go much as these yere
| fancy French drinks anyhow. Most of
'em is heap too weak an pindlin for a
| grown man"
Pardon me, but golf is not beverage, -
said the tourist politely. SIT is a game"
! "H'ml Say 1t is? l reckon that's boss
On me-" answered Isaac magnanimously.
Jaw, wal, man can't be expected to
know everything. Golf? Believe I've
read suthin about it. It's that thar walk
around whurin the players rig up like cir
Gus clowns an go peroozin across the
scenery chasin little ball with crooked
stick Eh-yaht I hoin't never INDUCED
| In no golf. hain't that kind of O manP'
| But, my dear sir, it Is a great favorita
in the east-a reigning fad, in fact
- hain't seein no pungent reason why
it shouldn't be. Them people in the east
| shore INDUCES in some mighty quaint an
| fantastic freaks in the name of sport. I'm
! sanguine it's due to the way they are rails
ed, or mebby it is in the air. They gifts
relaxation out of pursooin of frenzied
bag of aniseed across the face of nature, or
| playin long tennyson or hurlin little sacks
of beans at each other. But out yere in
the west we hain't that badly dried out
| yet. COursefHTe have our relaxations, but
we don't indulge in no homypathic frivol-
tiles. When we play ary game, you bet
| your neck it is a mans game. The near
| gSt thing to this yere golf doin's that VIC
1ningle in is what you might call the mer-
ry pastiIne of progressive tar an featherin. -
''Tar and feathering!" exclaimed the
tourist in establishments ''Why, my dear
fellow, I never heard of that-er-cere-
mony being regarded as a pastime. 1t is,
in reality, punishment, is it not, and a
painful one at thatf''
Depends heap upon the position you
occupy in the game returned the vera
OF the parties of tho second part an not
closely related to the party of the first
part, you most generally feel that it is in
deed good to be thar. But if you happen
to be the party of the first part you are
liable to entertain symptoms that are radi-
cally different. I've had the pleasure of
officiatin in both capacities, an 1 speak by
the card.
lone time, goin on three or four years
ago, down in the Panhandle country,
becomes SO popular with my Teller men
that they whirl in an present me with a
robe of tar, buttoned on with swipin
brush an trimmed with hen hair, an tri-
umphantly escorts me out of the settle
ment on the top side Of a saw edged rail.
| Aw, wal, thar wasn't no speshul features
worth recallin about this yere exodus ex-
| cept that L got sorter shot up by a near
! sighted eastern sportsman who mistook me
] for cassowary or suthin of the kind an
midst of Sunday school picnic who were
| eatin their picnic dinner below. Some of
| 'em 'peared to mistake me for the devil,
an others didn't, an 1 made my escape
| while the superintendent the little boys
i were revivin the members of the young
| ladies' Bible class, who had very properly
! swooned.
"Takin all the tar an featherin's that
| ever mingled in, 1 never knowed but one
whurin the party of the first part got
| much good out of it except in the way of
| an object lesson. This yere man I'm re-
they say in stories. l forgit what we dec
grated him for speshul. Mebby it was
| simply bercuz the regular tar an featherin
| day had come rOund-which was every
| third Saturday, weather permittin-an
thar was nobody handy who was more de-
| servin. 1t don't matter now anyhow. His
name was Hoon, an we warmed up the
tar.
1--WE didn't feather this yere man, liter
| ally speakin, bercuz Mizzus Lopdick, the
genial and accommodation landlady of the
| Cosmopolitan hotel, announced that bust
| ness was business an she wasn't goin to
| denude no more piller ticks for to array
| gents who weren't guests of the hotel. Ac-
cordin, we rips up an old buffalo robe, an
! it hain't so bad substitute for hen hair
| as you might think.
''Wanl, Mr.. Hoon is decorated all ac-
cordin to Hoyle. Colonel Handy Polk gifts
| off a few we'll chosen remarks, and the
| party of the first part defuncts in a south
westerly direction, kiokin the scenery be-
| hind him at the rate of about 40 miles an
| hour.
''Some time next day, as he is ambIin
| along, he meets up with an italian with a
hand organ cinched on his hump. This
yere furriner don't speak much English,
| but he makes himself clearly understood
by hoppin out of gully and knockin the
tarred gent down with a club. They ex-
| change compliments, pOwwow for a spell
| put up a scheme for conquerin the
world. The Roman had been bereaved of
his dancin bear few days before, an he
organizes what you call a copodnership
| with the tarred man to act as the late
1amented bruins successor.
"Also he done it. The Roman warmed
his Teller cOnspirator up before a bonfire,
| grated patches of jack rabbit fur on tho
! places we had neglected to cover an had
an elegant bear that hain't never been du-
| plicated in the history of the world. The
tarred man was plenty docile an cunnin,
an after few lessons he danced a hirang
| aho to the inspirin strains of the organ
that made the Roman throw up his hands
| in admiration.
| F'WaaI, durin the next two weeks SO
| them conspirators drifted around from one
i settlement to another, oreatin a Juror
| whurever they appeared an simply coined
money, speshully from tourists from the
east, who wasn't intimately acquainted
! with bears nohow an admired this yere
one exceedingly for his accomplishments.
| 1 reckon, likely or not, the copodnership
would have been existin yet if the man
bear hadn't got purse proud with prosper
ity an become too high toned for his bust
| ness.
''He insisted upon havin a tail, an he
wanted it to be long one. The Roman
| took a day off and reasoned with him,
| sayin that since the foundation of the
world thar hain't never been no bears