Eagle River Democrat. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1893-1896, 1896-06-08
FACTS AND FANCIES.

Brisco-EHe's giving dialect readings.
/ Making a big hit. Philadelphia North
| American.
Good mornin', Mr.. Neecher; fine day,
sor-"
this morning Mrs. Murphy"
'"Well, I'll leave me order, sor, aud
! I'd like 20 have yes send me an empty
barrel of flour to make me a chicken
house for nae dog. Vanity.
UNEQUALED.
| There's many new sensation found
III the popular sport of wheeling.
| But queerest of all. when far from home
Is that "punctured tired feeling"
| Life
The fox had jumped and jumped and
| jumped. He sat down with his tongue
| hanging out and eyed the unattainable
grapes with a well-assumed air of indif-
ference.
Dear mev' he remarked, airily. "How
careless Of me not to notice that they
were not edible grapes, but good only
| to make into table d'hote wine. Wash
, ington Star.
In announcing for Office Georgia can
| didate who evidently desires to make
his record plain, newspaper says: Il
| never was in the war; never hOilered at
the surrender and never killed anybody
! that let me alone, and the only thing
know about the financial question is this:
l need money. Atlanta Constitution.
GLOW is it" asked the fippant young
person, that you have no medals, when
| you are SO prominent member OF the
Athletic club?'
oh said the elderly gentleman of
sporty proclivities, ''all l ever did in the
way of athletics was to lift the mortgage
on the clubhouse. '-WOonsocket Repor-
| ter.
''You spend your money as fast as you
make it, said the solemn person. What
will you do when the public tires re, OF you
go to some old ladies' homer
Dear me, no." said the tragedienne.
| s'When l get too old for heavy business
| | will go in for soubrette parts. Gin
| cinnati Enquirer.
Jenks-"If America had the Mayfow-
er now we could sweep England off the
seas"
Hanks-"What makes you think so?"
| Jenks-"Because, according to the mil
| lions of people claiming their ancestors
came over on the Mayfower, the ship
must have been as big as Illinois. Up
to-Date.
Mrs Farmer-"You say you was sol
der in the late warp
Truthful Tompkins-"Yes'm [ Wuz
killed at Antietam."
Mrs. Farmer Killed."
| Truthful Tompkins = Theoretically
/ killed, ma am: / WuZ never heard Nv
afterward. Judge.
The prudent spinster Ia deep German
| joke which English readers are hereby
warned not to investigated: Decidedly
mature fraulein (Who has just inherited
an estate in the country, to her manager)
First of all, see to it that the stork's
nest up there on the roof of the house is
removed Immediately. "-Fliegende Blaet-
| ter.
Brother broke an iron bar
with his two hands yesterday" Claude
THAT'S nothing. My brother broke
! Detroit Free Press.
DR.. Elisha Kane, on returning from
! his great Arctic exploration. was invited
! to a banquet in New York, where al
after-dinner speaker talked an hour.
/ Doctor, what did you think Of the
ar Arctic sunset answered the explorer.
What do you mean by that?' Bright
! and interesting, but provokingly long in
/ operation" replied the doctor.
Gladstone, in a recent speech to a
gathering of his neighbors, said: II am
a Scotchman by blood; am a Lam
cashireman by birth; | am kind of
Londoner by living so long there. be
long to most parts of the country, but
my wife, as most of you know, is good
| Welsh woman, and | think that to a
great extent has infected me-"
AS the shipwrecked man heard the
cannibal Queen call loudly for the exc
cutioners, his features worked convul-
sively.
Perceiving this, the savage chieftain-
ess ordered the chef to have ready an
| extra quantity of sugar.
She had always prided herself on the
! fact that she never lost more than one
can out of the dozen.-New York Press.
! AS an illustration of how ritual frag-
ments live in the memory of the people
long after the ritual itself has been lost
or abolished, the Churchman says that
in Cumberland, Eng, the peasants use
] Martin as an expression of lncredulity
mingled with contempt. The saying is
really corruption of the old prayer,
Cora pro me- Beate MARITIME" ("Pray for
me, St. MARTINI.
Mary and Martha, two little sisters,
! had been promoted to the dignity of a
big bed, where they slept together. Il
sleep on the front SIDE announced
| Mary. with an air of Importance.
E'And where do you sleep, Martha! =
| inquired the visitor.
81 sleep where Mary doesn't" replied
Martha, with rueful glance at her rest
less little sister.-Harper's Round Table.
Theatrical Manager. 'Hurrah! Huzza!
! Whoop! Whoop-e-e-e!"
Theatrical Manager-"Hurrah. My
fortunes made! Got a great idea for a
problem playv'
Wife-''What is it?''
Theatrical Manage r-"Have it end
with the announcement of a will by
which million is left to the heroine on
condition that she refrain from appendi-
citis. New York Press.
Mrs. Hicks-'Mean trick your telling
the agent that the people above us are
deadheats: and, besides, it isn't true.
Hicks-"Oh, well, l know; but the fei-
low wanted to sell them piano. New
! York World.
Fsllon-' Casey, thry one av me own
f;tvorit brand av segairs. It is not often
We get segair loike that Casey"
Casey puff, puff)--"It is not, thank
God" Indianapolis Journal.
Somebody she faltered, "may come
i His breast heaved whoever would
do such thing" he fiercely exclaimed,
''would be contemptibly small"