davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Press., 1896-12-24
A Hit of Irish Wit.

Some time ago while was trading in @ village store one of the clerks came to the junior partner, who was waiting on me, and said:
 t"Please step to the desk. Pat Flynn wants to settle his account and wants @ receipt"
 The merchant was evidently annoyed "Why, what does he want of a re- ceipt?" he said. "We never give one. imply cross his account off the book. That is receipt enough" "
 ''So told him. answered the clerk, "but he is not satisfied. You had bet ter see him."
 So the proprietor stepped to the desk, and, after greeting Pat with 8 Good morning" said:
 "You want to settle your bill, do your
 Pat replied in the affirmative. "Well." said the merchant, "there is no need of my giving you receipt. See, will cross your account off the book" and, suiting the action to the word, he drew his pencil diagonally across the account. "That is a good re- Geipt."
 "And do you mane that that settles it?" exclaimed Pat.
 'That settles it," said the merchant.
 "And you're sure you'll never be aslzin me for it again?''
 "We'll never ask you for it again, |" said the merchant decidedly.
 'Faith, thin" said Pat, "I'll be after kapin me money in me pocket, for l haven't paid it"
 "Oh, well, can rub that out"
 Faith, now, and I thought the same" said Pat.
 It is needless to add that Pat got his
The Press., 1896-12-24
BLUNDERs OF SPEAKERS.
A We'll Known Orator Points Out Some
 Humorous Instances.

Humorous Instances.
 MT. Joseph Malins, himself well known public speaker, gives The Wom- ans Signal some amusing instances of the humors of public speaking. It is, he thinks, lack of fuenoy that causes the speaker so often to blunder. MT. Malins has listend to temperance ora tor deploring the fact that a friend re- sorts tO "the frequent use of the daily glass He heard notable lady speaker speak of slum children Drought into the world with no more idea of home comfort than the children of negroes in Africa.''
 One speaker said, "I rise emphatio- ally" and another said, ''I stand pros- trate with astonishment. 1" Yet another feelingly told his audience that it was ''not the platform speaker, but the house to house visitation and the utter ance of the silent word blythe caller which did the most good. " The state- ments that "the previous speakers sug- gestions were very suggestive" and that another speakers remarks were "mis- calculated to mislead' MT. Malins also mentions.
 Then there is the speaker who always misplaces his "h's'' and who prays "that we might be brought to the halter. 1" There was a flight of fancy when the speaker asked, Suppose if 8 modern balloon dropped upon an uninhabited island, what would the natives sayP' The scientific lecturer said of his con- ing experiment that "all depends upon the present condition of the body about to be created" A town councillor spoke of "the rivers and streams that abut on the borough boundaries" Among MT. Malin's other examples is the speak CT who began with saying, ''The proper study of mankind in general is the-the study of mankind in general, " where upon an uxchin in the audience cried out, Your a-goin in at the same hole you came out at. "
 No less embarrassed was the old gen. tleman, who, stumbling through an after dinner speech, said, 'I-I have no more to say, and so-anu sO-I'n make few more remarks. " The build CT frankly declared he was ''more fitted for the scaffold than the platform. '' Sometimes the chairman CTS ill wei coming the speaker. A chairman was heard to welcome speaker as oHe ''whC is always with us, and we wish he would come oftener." Kind was the an. nouncement that "there will be two more opportunities to hear the lecturer once more. '' It was when the meeting ended that the chairman asked the au dienoe to ''close by singing just one verse of the doxology."
The Press., 1896-12-24
THE WELL HAMMERED BOY.
He Is Simply Charming, but Altogether
 Too Scarce.

He Is Simply Charming, but Altogether
 Too Scarce.
 Is there anything more charming in this world than d nice, well hammered boy? don't want to be hypercritical, but must add, SIS l am strictly vera- cious woman, that they are, alas, as rare as they are charming.
 Such boy, the well hammered gen. jus, thank heavens, I met not long ago, and my instant thought was, What a fine mother his must be. I know her by reputation, celebrated actress, who has carefully shielded her private life from the public, and my estimation of that woman immediately rose 50 de- grees. None but woman of culture, refinement and true nobility of Gharac- ter could rear a son whose every light est word slowed respect for women, in nate good breeding, and, best of all, in this day of affected skepticism among the jeunesse doree, an honest belief in the existence of good among men and women in general.
 And couldn't help thinking sorrow fully as I chatted with this delightful boy how few mothers really understand their meter. It's the most responsible work in the world, that of motherhood, and is entered into with the least train ing and preparation. Women are pro- verbally proud, vain, their masculine critics say, and I wonder W whether they realize how they are reflected in their children? If they did, would they not make greater effort to have reflected only their good points, their gentleness, breeding, and, aoove all, their faith in human nature. e.-Philadelphia Record.
The Press., 1896-12-24
ClericaI Ounces.

It is to be feared that clergymen who have entered the church through theolo- pical colleges are wretched scholars as rule. The bishops have lately found it necessary to insist on an entrance exam ination on general subjects before ad- mission to a theological college can be granted, and the results have been de- oidedly startling. The requirements are almost ridiculously lementary-a cou- ple of books of Xenophon's "Anaba- sis, '' some quite easy Latin, two books of Euclid and so forth. Nevertheless, it is stated that a large number of candi- dates for orders are so grossly ignorant that they have been unable to get through this exceedingly easy ordeal.- London Truth.
 How TO PREVENT PNEUMONIA.-Att this time of the year cold is very easily con- tractpd, and if left to run it's course with out the aid of some reliable cough medi- cine is liable to result in that dread dis ease, pneumonia. We know of no better remedy to cure a cough or cold than Chamberlain's Cough Remedy. We have used it quite extensively and it has always given entire satisfaction Olagah, Ind. l Ter. Chief.
 This is the only remedy that is known to be a certain preventive of pneumonia. Among the thousands who have used it for colds and la grippe, we have never yet learned of a single case having resulted in pneumonia. Persons who have weak lungs or have reason to fear an attack o1 pneumonia. should keep the remedy at hand The % and 50 cent sizes for sale by w. w. Lathrop, Stafford Springs; c. L. Phillips, South Coventry.
The Press., 1896-12-24
on the List.

"Hello, Stimson, what's all that whistling about? Not trying to raise the wind, are you!''
 "No," said Stimson, unpuckering his mouth from a v%olent effort to produce "Benny Ravens, Oh." 'I am merely reviving old melodies.
 "But I never before even suspected you of being musical" " and his friend looked anxious.
 "Oh, I say, hang it, can't a fellow whistle without being called to task about it?''
 "Not when whistling is so seldom heard that it is in danger of becoming one of the lost arts.
 "Well, I must own up, I see. I am not whistling fer amusement, nor for the music that's in it. am whistling for my health"
 'Your health! NonsenseP' 5'
 ''There's no nonsense about it. Look at my chest. It has increased two inches in girth since began to whistle. The exercise has done it. have expanded the muscles, and the pull on the ribs has strengthened them, and my general health is benefited. You see, l have em. ployed new method of compressed air treatment.
 "You mean that you have added one more to the list of cranks. ''
 ''Nothing of the kind, But I have given the idiots who are always asking fool questions one more question for their repertorieH. S'long.' - Detroit Free Press.
The Press., 1896-12-24

We suggest to the caricaturists of the comic papers that they let the American farmer rest in his true character for a little while. This class seems 10 be the special prey of the comic artist, who commonly treats it without honesty or for the lack of these qualities. Not a little harm is done by this constant ridi- cule, which is peculiarly undeserved. The American farmer, as class, may not be the equal of the city bred man in certain points of social polish and veneer, but when it comes to the clements that make up man he is not found wanting and need fear no comparison with his city brother.- WGtcItnGn.
The Press., 1896-12-24
''I Love YOu!"
"I love vNrl"

Fl love yCc1l'
 Oh, what music there was in those words as they flowed mellifluously- which means something about honey from her parted lips. Her lips were parted in the middle.
 ''I love youV'
 The songs of the birds in the trees overhead seemed dangling and out of tune in comparison with these words of her.
 ''I love youP'
 Aye, for such one as she kings, and even actors, would have given up their all and fallen captive at her feet.
 'I love youp'
 And he? Did his. heart leap within him? Did his panting breath denote the ardor of his longing to clasp her in his arms? Did he fall on pended knee and cry:
 "And I love theel"
 No. He gave blithe bark and wagged his tail, for he knew he was her favorite odle.-New York Journal.
The Press., 1896-12-24
Plants That Spread Quickly.

The dandelion is an old world flower, not native ill America, save far to the north and on some of the highest of our western mountains. But somehow it was brought here, perhaps from Eng land, in old colonial times. Now we see it's golden heads and feathery balls at every grassy roadside, the ''clocks" the boys and girls blow to tell the hour. A few years ago farmers in the northwest found new weed, vile, prickly weed, in their wheatfields. In very short time this weed, the Russian thistle, has spread over wide acres of the best farm lone great injury to the crops.
 How do these plants spread so fast and so far? They are not carried about and planted. No one would be so fool ish as to SOW Russian thistles. The mother plant must have ways of her own for sending her offspring abroad in- to the world. Plants propagate them selves in two ways, from seed or from buds. Sometimes these buds are borne on slender runners. A strawberry plant, after it has blossomed, begins to send out such runners, with buds, unfolding tufts of leaves, along them. These tufts are at first connected with the parent plant, but later the runners between break away, and each tuft becomes a new plant. Many grasses, like Bermuda grass and the troublesome quick or couch grass, have creeping stems, each joint sending out bunch of roots below and bud on the upper side. If you try to hoe up such grasses, you only make matters worse, for each joint when cut of is ready to form an independent plant Such grasses spread very fast and soon take possession of the land they get into.-Thomas H. Kearney, Jr., in St.. Nicholas
The Press., 1896-12-24
A Lunatic's Comment.

MT. Robert Ganthony, the English entertainer, once gave a performance at the Prestwich Llnatio asylum. The in- mates took his diverting monologue very well<at first, but when he came to the portion of the performance in which be impersonates testy old magistrate of 90 summers woman rose with vehe- mence and shouted, Fancy me being kept here while that man is left to run loose." >.r. #...
The Press., 1896-12-24
THE MEN WHO LIVE ALONE.
Ho, hos ha, ha, the jolly men HXIl.n 1Aara, n1nnol Whv Naa

HO, ho, ha, ha, the 1olly men
 Who iivr alonei Why, yes,
 We Lave our Eones-tAat is, l gness The rest adopt den
 That's like to mine and have place. Up high sometimes, you know.
 But that's a splendid thing to brace A fellow up who's slow
 At climbing. and they re not too small Nor yet too large. Now, mine
 Is snug and warm, except wheu all The oils burned out, and fine.
 But, say, my view across the street Is-well, disturbing. Nay,
 Not quite so bad, because it's sweet And good. But every day
 Or evening can look across Through windows clear and bright And see father romp and toss His youngsters in the light
 That glows from out his fire and see His wife look smiling on
 And kiss the babies lovingly Until the pictures gone.
 They pull the curtain down, and then I'm cheerful as stone
 And laugh-ha, ha, the jolly men Who live in srooms" alonel
The Press., 1896-12-24

A VALUABLE PREsORIPT1oN.-Ed Editor Morrison, of Warrington, Ind, "Sun," writes You have a valuable prescrip
 tion in Electric Bitters, and l. can chC Cr- fully recommend it for Constipation and Sick Headache, and as a general system tonic it has no 'qual." Mrs. Annie Stehle, 2,625 Cottage Grove avenue, Chicago, was all run down, could not eat nor digest food, had backache which never left her and felt tired and weary, but six bottles of Electric Bitters restored her health and renewed her strength. Prices 50 cents and $1.0O. Get a bottle at B. K. Taft's drug store. 6
The Press., 1896-12-24

In the game of dice, as played by the Greeks, nnmes of their divinities were given to the various "throws" the most fortunate, that of the highest number, being called Venus, or Aphrodite.- Louis Globe Democrat.
 After hearing some friends continually praising Chamberlain's Collie, Cholera and I'iarrh@a Remedy, Curtis Fleck, of Ana helm, California, purchased bottle of it for his own use and is now as enthusiastic over it's wonderful work as anyone can be. The g and 50 cent sizes for sale by w. w. Lathrop, Stafford Springs; G. L. Phil lips, South Coventry.
The Press., 1896-12-24

MT. 0. M. Dixon, we'll known mer- chant of Pleasant Ridge. Fulton Co.,, Pa has little girl who is frequently threat ened with croup, but when the first symp- toms appear, his wife gives her Chamber iain's Cough Remedy, which always af- lords prompt relief. The 25 and 50 cent sizes for sale by w. w. Lathrop, Stafford Springs; G. L. Philips, South Coventry.
The Press., 1896-12-24
Snidar Wort.

The Virginia spiderwort is apparent y unable to endure a high temperature. During the day it is wilted and deject- ed. As the evening comes on it revives, all it's leaves assume lively appearance, and the plant appears to flourish and enjoy it's life until the morning light
The Press., 1896-12-24

In 1928 brai's troy pound, procured by the American minister in London in the previous year, was declared to be the standard in the United States for that measure. <.[
The Press., 1896-12-24
Baked instead of fried sausages are ex- cellent to serve with roast turkey.
Try Grain-Oi Try Gra,n-o

Ask your Grocer to-day to show you a pacla0e of GRAIN-O, the new food drink that takes the place of cofee The children may drink 1t with out iniury as well as the adult. All who try 10. Mocha or Java, but 1t is made from pure grains and the most delicate stomach receives it with out distress the price of cofIee. lbc and 0B cts per package. Sold by all grocers.
The Press., 1896-12-24
Don't be persuaded into buying lini

Don't be persuaded into buying lini- mrnts without reputation or merit Chamberlain's Pain Balm costs nO more, and it's merits have been proven by test of many years. Such letters as the fol- lowing, from l.. c. Bagley, Hueneme, Cal, are constantly heinz received: ''The best remedy for pain ever used is Cham berlain's Pain Balm, and I say so after having used it in my family for several years" It cures rheumatism, lame back sprains and swellings. For sale by w. w. Lathrop, Stafford Springs; G. L. Phillips, South Coventry.
The Press., 1896-12-24

Absolutely pure, perfectly harmless, and invariably reliable are the qualities of One Minute Cough Cure. Itnever fails in colds, croup and lung troubles. Children like it because it is pleasant to take and it helps them w. D. Heald, Stafford SL rings; G L. Phillips. South Coventry.
The Press., 1896-12-24
Perfectly Natural.

WilliC-DoLI:s. in all my life never saw a more natural expression of con- tempt than you have put ill the face of this wcman. WLo was your model?
 Dobbs-I used two models at the same time. One was an old maid, and the other had had three divorces. The painting, consequently, is a composite. -CinciDnati Enquirer
The Press., 1896-12-24

Dr. Thayer, of Boston, says Ayers Hygienic Coffee is an admirable beverage, possessing none of the pernicious effects of coffee. Grocers sell 1t.
The Press., 1896-12-24

Eighteen days are required 10 make the journey between the isle of Tenerife and New York.
The Press., 1896-12-24

In herAldry nine different varieties of the crown are recognized as insignia of renk-the oriental, the triumphal or imperial, the diadem, the obsidional crown, the civic, the crown vallery, the mural crown, the naval and the CroTn celestial
The Press., 1896-12-24

The salary of the president for one year, If paid in gold, would weigh almost exactly 200 pounds.
The Press., 1896-12-24

It is said that Joe Patchen has won over $60, ,000 during his turf career.
The Press., 1896-12-24

The juice of pineapple cuts the mom- brane from the throat of diphtheria pa tieDt when nothing else will.
The Press., 1896-12-24

Scaly eruptions on the head, chapped hands and lips, cuts, bruises, scalds, burns are quickly cured by DeWitt's Witch Ha- gel Salve. It is at present the article most used for piles, and it always cures them, w: D. Heald, Stafford Springs; G. L. Phillips, South Coventry.
The Press., 1896-12-24

Nobody likes everybody.
The Press., 1896-12-24

THAT CATARRH IS A LOCAL AFFECTION Of nasal passages, is fact established by physicians, and this authority should carry more weight than assertions of incompe- tent parties, that catarrh is blood affec . tion. Ely's Cream Balm is local remedy composed of harmless incidents and free Of mercury or any injurious drug. It will cure catarrh. Applied directly to the in famed membrane, it restores it to its healthy condition.
The Press., 1896-12-24

More gold watches are worn b, artisans and lahoring men in the United States than in any other country in the world.
The Press., 1896-12-24

More people should rejoice that they don't get what they deserve, instead of complaining.
The Press., 1896-12-24

To the aged, with their poor appetite, feeble circulation and impoverished blood Ayers Sarsaparilla Is boon beyond price. It's effect is to check the ravages of time, by invigorating every organ, nerve and tissue of the body. See Ayers Almanac for the new year.
The Press., 1896-12-24

SThe Bicycles are the celebrated Pierce Specials 1897 Pattern, md by Sec Pierce 9 9o' 01 BmIi Tires, First Glass Nickle Lamp, New Departure Bell Standard Cyclometer, and Hunt Lace Saddle.
The Press., 1896-12-24

The best mica and the most extensive mines in the United States are in Western North Carolina.
The Press., 1896-12-24

The old way of delivering messages by post-boys compared with the modern tel ephone, illustrates the old tedious meth ods of ''breaking" colds compared with their almost instantaneous cure by One Minute Cough Cure. w, D. Heald, StaF- ford Springs; G. l.. Phillips, South Gov entry.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1896-01-15
WATER WAYS.
An Enthusiastic Meeting Of the West
Virginia Academy of Science--.For
est Preservation Recommended.
Special to the Register.

Special to the Register.
Morgantown, w. Va, January II.
The Academy Of Science of meeting to-
night was attended by the leading c.ti-
zens of town and was enthusiastic.
Stirring addresses were made by Hon
Geo. c. Stugiss, DR.. l. G. White, DR..
J. l.. Goodnight, Prof. A. d. Hopkins
and others.
Resolutions were passed memorable
ing Congress and asking for appropria-
t;Cns for building the Lake Erie and
Ohio River ship canal, purchasing the
locks and dams on the Monongahela r.v-
CT and Stacking the Monongahela from
Morgantown to Fa.rmont. The society
also passed the following resolutions:
Resolved, That we, the members of
the West Virginia Academy Of Science.
and Of MorgantCTn, all Of the common.
wealth of West Virginia, do urge our
representatives IN Congre.9 and cur
State Legislature, the immediate press
ing necessity Of establishing by law
forest reservations and forest policy
that will successfully prevent the evil
effects of forest destruction in the Ale
gheny mountains and other sections of
West Virginia.
The society also urged the appoint
ment of forestry commission by the
Governor, whose duty it would be to
report to the Legislature the location
and area of lands available for forest
reservation, so that they might be Sc
cured and kept intact as protective to
streams.
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1896-01-15
II YUNG YEW REMOVED.

Fune Yang Hem Takes His Place-Li Yung
Yew May BE the Recipient of Higher
I1ouors.
san Francisco. January 1.-THE
Chronicle SAYS tha- Ii Yulg Yew, the
Chinese Consul General I'm this city, has
received dispatch from the Chinese
Nu.sfe- 90 Washington. removing him
from his position and appointing Fulg
Tmg Hun. -le ConsuIs former secre-
Jary as his successor. AS Iii Yung
Yev was supposed to- be extremely pop
MAR with the powers az Pekin. his re-
mov1' has caused much discussion in
Chinatown. IL Yung Yew's dismissal
is t1 some extent wrapped i'm that mys-
terry which surrounds all Chinese af-
fairs of state. Tt IS the more sensation
aI when it IS considered that he has
high court connections In Pekin and
was the intimate friend and counselor
of the present Chinese Minister at
Washington He was appointed Con-
sul General 10 this city in 1891 after
serving his Emperor I'm certain diplo-
matte visits To- ,le countries of South
America.
Az the Chinese consulate the attaches
say chat lew's removal from the post
.s br- preparatory % bes,0wng further
houo-s upon his head-.h3t la IS 10 be
0c.rtat special agent of the Emp2-
ror I'D negotiate % treaty between the
Court @. Pek.n and tha. Of President
D.az. OF Mexico Merchants i'm China
town say that .he change is due to the
right chat has been g1.Dg on for months
Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1896-01-15
HORRIBLE.
A Baby UndreSsed and Placed Upon
Red Hot StOVe---The Little Ones
Flesh Cooked to the BOne---Death
Brought Relief.

Topeka, Kansas, January IA hor-
rible occurrence became known to the
police to-day when the death Of the 14
months old son Of Charles Dean was re-
ported. Mrs. Dean left her two small
children alone in a room while she ran
over TO a neighbors. Upon her return
she found thar some one had removed
the clothing from her babe, seated il
upon the top of a hot stove and fed.
The flesh Of the child was cooked to ths
bone. A young man who had quar-
relied with Mr.. Dean is suspected but
he has fed the city. The child suffered
terribly until death came to relieve it.