Evening star., 1896-10-24

| &f.szWNN VII of "a weary soul
e: e :; =: :: +: !: T.: !:
| ~ occasion demands
| An occasion Is invariably present at this
| season OF the year-the season when
woman might go mad considering how to
| pe respectable with $4.9S on hand and $9S.O4
worth OF new clothes to be bought there
| "ltn IL tell you right here-if you haven't
MADE the discovery yourself-respectabilit
Is eternally incompatible with everything
IN lie but mere money. l say mere money
| hecause the instant you are wealthy and
| anything besides you are necessarily more
or less than respectable. What is it to be
| respectable, anyhow? 1 asked a woman
who Is not SO, and she told me with shrug
OF the shoulders, 'Oh, to be respectable is
to wear red hannels and be very, very
duu.' I asked a man no better, and he
| said. To be respectable? Why, my dear,
II Is TO be ridiculous and pay your bills
| perore your credit is exhausted" l asked
woman, ultra-reSpectable, what reSpecta-
| olilty Is, and she would not answer me,
but gathering her skirts about her, went
| next door and told my neighbor l am not
respectable to ask such questions. Well.
| am not. How can one be on $49S? I'll tell
you this, though
| Give me $4,000 year and make me over
so that care more for my reputation than
| my character; wind me up to act that
| people think well of me in spite Of what
| know of myself-in word. save my good
| name and let both my beast and my saint
go hang. then I'll be not only respectable,
| bat happy.
| At the Dentists.
| But who will do this for me? What,
therefore. is left? Nothing but to go to
my dentist.
"Ah. yes; this is a terrible tooth. 1t will
pain you very much,
Already care less for the vanitios Of life,
and my sick sbul begins to look up
| Really, your teeth are in a frightful
| condition. This one may have to come
| out" ;, ,r
! Here l raise my E5enezer. What matter
| to me, now that ] am neither respectable
nor happy? fhe opportunity of a sublime
agony Is at my command, and, after all,
what is so intoxicating as pain? Pleasure?
| That Is well enough for small souls and
| large bank accounts, but an exposed nerve,
| the grip of forceps on an liberated tooth
truly, the defirium Is more perfect ihan
! love, absinthe or new bonnet. Besides.
| it is cheaper. .E.
| Do not make the mistake. however. of
going to an old or unattractive dentist. To
quote from a poet dentist, L. G. F. Hugo
| "Howeve' good the instrument and plan,
| Their work is only equal TO the man..
What He Must he Like.
Valuable as decayed teeth and dentistry
are, as an antdote to the poison that en-
| ters into a womans soul when the new
| clothes she wants beyond her means,
| the surcease from misery possible to be
| found in dentists chair depends largely
| on the dentist. He must be handsome-the
| handsomer'' he Is the better. He should
also be masterful and wholly unsympathet-
| ic. Few men are brave enough nowadays to
| beat q woman, and thus the twentieth CEN
| tury woman in her relations with men
| misses the greatest benefit and joy the sex
can beStOw upon her. These happily are
| hers when q dentist having her bound and
| gagged and utterly at his mercy, cuts into
her flesh he pleaseS and does 1t with
the kingly air of a man exercising a nat
ural prerogative. l go into dentists
| chair an opinionated, 3elf-suficient, grasp
| ing fin de steele creature, perfectly con-
| scious of my dominion over all the beasts
| of the field, least among which man ap-
] pears, and at the end Of single sitting 1
am as much of a mush of silly. sweet SIM
plieity as the lamb Pope describes-the pa
| thetic, helplessly trusting little lamb that
| ticks the hand just raised to take it's
| blood .s
After being in the chair Of a properly
good-looking and deliciously brutal dentist
the other day until every nerve In my head
had taken an ache and opened French
| ball, in the humility of my position, it oc-
Cured to me that possibly 1 might learn
something from a man. Accordingly, 1 be-
gan asking the dentist questions.
Information and Agony.
Among other odd bits Of information
| thus gained is that no device of dentistry
| has yet succeeded in stopping q woman's
| tongue. Cram her mouth with cotton, seal
| it over with rubber dam, and she man
| ages to talk anything that comes into her
| head, though a man in the same situation
| is unable to do more than groan. For this
reason dentists commonly charge a bit
| more for treating women than for treating
| men. This is a secret of the profession,
| Of course. but why should I possess a
secret If not to tell it?
Speaking of the rubber dam, If 1 uttered
my honest sentiments concerning that
| thing. l would reverse the words and add
| a few letters to the dam. know that does
not sound pretty coming from q woman,
| but neither does it half express the wicked
| ness that abomination contains.
Spanish inquisitors must turn enviously
| in their graves If they are able to witness
| how superior to screws, racks and all their
| other comparatively innocent, old-fashioned
| instruments of torture is the dentists rub
| ber dam. Does anybody, anywhere, un-
| der any circumstances, know anything
| more exquisitely horrible than the putting
| on of that thing? With what ghoulish
| glee the dentist, having snapped the rub
| ber over the tooth, and sprung a deadly
steel clamp on TOP, of it. takes an instru-
! ment diabolicai in inverse proportion to its
size, and relentlessy grinds that dam,
dam, dam, down into the quivering. scream
i ing flesh of your gum. until he gets tired
of the pleasure this affords him, when he
quits, leaving the thing fastened in the
spot it hurts the most Whenever any
| doubt enters his mind whether it is still
| grinding on your sorest spot, he suspends
other lesser barbarfties and presses on the
steel clamp holding the dam until the vol
ume of tears streaming down your cheeks
satisfies him that, nothing worse can be
| hoped from 1t!
| 1t scarcely seems credible that the mon
| ster who invented the dam Is q hero of
self sacrifice. aThea fact remains, however.
Had he patented his invention he might
have been a rtiulti-millionaire. but he chose
rather to die poor and give his idea to the
| profession he Served. I think myself. DOS
sibly he dreaded the maledictions Of lay
| posterity certain to be heaped upon a name
that dared to father such a brutal idea,
| and SO he let 1t go to the account of dem
| lists in general. But this is only my opin-
| ion, And you may still consider him a hero
| If you like.
wOman's Jaw.
Learned one thing Of my dentist that is
| Of the greatest interest to women. In the
| progress Of the survival of the fttest we