davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

The readers of this paper will be pleased
d, learn that there is at least one dreaded
disease that science has been able to cure in
Catarrh Cure is the only positive cure
known to the medical fraternity. Catarrh
being a constitutional disease, requires a
constitutional treatment. Halls Catarrh
Cure is taken internally, acting directly
upon the blood and mucous surfaces of the
system, thereby destroying the foundation
of the disease, and giving the patient
strength by building up the constitution and
assisting nature in doing its work. The
proprietors have so much faith in its cura-
tive powers that they offer One Hundred
Dollars for any case that it fails to cure.
Send for list of testimonials.
Address F. j. CHENEY & Co., Toledo, o.
Sold by Druggists, 15c.
Halls Family Pills are the best.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

"Clinker tells me had to give up q
ing into the bicycle business"
"Why?"
Gle couldn't find a new NAME.
Brooklyn Life.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

TrDDY-'I tell you it's So" Nellie-'I
say tits not, Teddy-''Wcll, mamma says
it's SO; and if mamma says it's so, it's so
even if it ism t so "-Harpers Round Table.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

MISS KEEDICA : w.Iat an awful tall1cI
MIR. Giliey is, and how little he says when
he speaks!' Miss Kittish-"The poor fel.
low is troubled with an impeachment in his
thoughts. IN. Y. World.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

81 AM sorrvI bought one of those door.
mats with Welcome on it" "Why 500"
Some stupid fellow mistooll the meaning
OF the word and helped himself to it the
first night. "-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

TEACHER-"W What is Il straight linen' Pu
pil-''The picture of its own road which
each company prints in the railroad map
Boston Transcript
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

OK TIE FOoTBAAL TEAM-',B ragley claim.
to be great tacklcr.n ''He is-wLen Not
get him at free lunch table, Detroit
Free Press.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

ALICE-''I heard something about you
to-day" Naud-"Yes; this new lining
they are using in dresses makes a frichtfu
noise, doesn't ito onkers Statesman.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

WE thiull Pisos Cure for Consumpti- n is
the only medicine for Coughs.-.IENNlI
PISCKAKD, Springfield, His, Oct /, 1894.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

''Ek little learnin' may be err danj'us
ting said Uncle Eben, ''bnt l dean be,
lieve dat it's nigh ez danj'us ez no learnini
tall. Washington Star.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

How MY THROAT HURTS Why don't you
Use Hale's Honey Of Horehound and Tar
Pixies Toothache Drops Cure in one minute
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

Mr.. HoJAcK-"Miss Tenspot must be sur
prisingv beautiful" Mr.. Tomdik-'In.
deed What makes you think so!' "She
looks well even in an amateur photograph"
Life.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

MEN and ladies' in small towns wishing to
e IN SIS Il week easily, write us; we will x.
plain. Excelsior Chemical Co., Rochester,
N Y, Lock Box GUS. f--.--
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

comfort, Is the poor wretch tormented by
malaria. The fell scourge is, however, shorn
of it's thong in advance by Hostetter's Stom-
ach Bitters, its only sure preventive and
remedy. Dyspepsia, biliousness, constipa-
ton, rheumatism, nervousness and kidney
complaints are also among the bodily affiic-
tions which this beneticent medicine over
comes with certainty. Useit Systematically.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

''DoRoTHT says she was disappointed in
England" ''Why was that!' Things didn't
look so English as she thoughtthey would"
Chicago Record.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

WHEN bilious or costive, eat a Cascaret,
canoy cathartic, cure guaranteed, 1Oc, 25c
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

"THERE are no jokes like the old jokes"
Said the humOrst blithe and gay.
"And the Jokes that now find favor
Pleased the folks of another day
Philadelphia North American.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

CAsCAAETs stimulate liver, kidneys and
bowels. Never sicken, weaken or grippe.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

MI. Inc nau an experience some
weeks ago that came pretty near knock
ing down with one blow the splendid
reputation he has built up for him
self in Parlor City. 1t was a most un
fortunate experience for Mr.. Inch. but
it provided amusement for his fellow
citizens for days afterward, and some
of them are not through laughing yet.
One bright sunny morning early ia
August Mr.. Inch boarded a train bound
for Parlor City at a small way station
some 20 miles from his home. He had
gone out there the night before on
business. had missed the last train
back, and a night on a cornhusk mat
tress in the local tavern had rutfied him
about as much as he had ever been
rutfied in his life. Mr.. Inch had not
been in the train five minutes when he
heard a frightful racket in the car be-
hind him, and on lnquiring of the con-
ductor what it meant was told that both
of the rear cars were full of lunatics.
who were being transferred from New
York to the state asylum on the hill
back of Parlor City.
"They're in charge of keepers. all
right" said toe conductor, but they
get excited every now and then. and,
tell you, the keepers have their hands
full. Lor'! but they do CURSE"
''Do you suppose | could go look at
Them" asked Mr.. Inch, who immedi-
ately made up his mind that it was his
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12
Don't Tobacco Spit and Smoke Your Life
AWAY,

If you want to quit tobacco using easily
and forever, be made well, strong magnetic,
full Of new life and vigor, take NoTo-Bac,
the wonder-worker that makes weak men
strong Many gain ten pounds in ten days.
Over 100000 cured Buy No-To-Bac from
your own druggist, who will guarantee a
cure Booklet and sample mailed free. Ad.
Sterling Remedy Co.. Chicago orNew York.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

JUST try Zoe box OF CasCarets, the finest
liver and bowel regulator ever made.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

The word nice originally meant is
norant Or foolish.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

Some people live on the installment
plan.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

MAUL-''Too bad, old fellow. the hanging
committee slled your canvas" D'Auber-
my boy, with the hanging committee the
art is to conceal the art. = London Figaro
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

man, woman and child that plays cards.
He is a pillar of the local Methodist
church, has publicly denounced dane
ing as an invention of the devil, pro
gressive eucher and pedro parties as
CREASED poles to the realm of Satan
and trolley parties as even more sinful
diversion than any of the other forms
of amusement to which he is opposed.
One might imagine from this that Mr..
James Inch was an unpopular man in
@arlor City. Such. however, is not the
.ase. The inhabitants point him out
to strangers as their model citizen and
rant say enough IN praise of him. That
Is because Mr. Inch is a sterling bust
ness man, and SO generous and charita-
BILE that his fellow townsmen are willing
to overlook his radical views on things
N the amusement line.
The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-11-12

struggle between DR.. Blank and IN
Inch. The few who had seen il VIE
away when the insane men W.
marched off. and so a little later, WIZ
4 station hand came across the resi- )
able Mr.. Inch asleep in a pile of fret !
nisclothes torn and dirty, his hat Ri
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
Too Much for Him.

While wealthy man from the
East was in Louisville a short time
ago, Louisville man did his best to
get the friendship preparatory to
borrowing a gOodly sum of money.
The Easterner had often heard of
Kentucky hospitality, but his greatest
expectations were discounted by
what the Louisville people did for
him. However, it was not long be-
fore he learned that his alleged
friend was simply laying a trap for
him.
One day, when the Louisville man
thought his way to the rich mans
pocketbook was clear, he broached
the subject of loan, doing this, of
course, in the most artistic and
seductive manner. The rich man ap.
peared much impressed but when
the story was ended, he said, simply
/" Excuse me minute while / &c
across tthe street and get a drink"
When he returned, the Louisville
man had vanished, The coldness OF
the Easterner, who could announce
cold-bloodedly that he was going tc
drink alone, was too much for him.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
Queer Mistakes I'm Language.

In suburban town not far from
Boston, says the Commercial Bulletin,
there is man famous for his queer
mistakes in Language. His name be-
gins with NJ, and he conducts a
small business establishment. One
day he had some of his wares hang
ing outside the door, when a GUS
toner walked into his shop and in.
quired the price of the articles out.
side tho door.
"Six dollars apiece" answered M
"Oh, you are too high" exclaimed
the customer.
WELL" came the reply, "there's
no compuIsiarity to buy"
On another occasion M. was not
feeling very well, and called upon q
doctor, who told him that from the
description of his feelings, he was
suffering from constipation. "It':
d-n lie," said M. "I'm in bee
every night at ten O'clock"
There being no saloon in the town
M. was forced to quench his thirst
at the corner drug store, where he
invariably asked for orange phospho
rus.
Quite recently he was approaches
to buy small piece of land. II,
scratched his head q while, and thei
ssid that he would go home and In
suit his wife, and see what sh
thought Of it.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
CLASSROOM HumOr.

No professor is more kindly re.
membered by the I" boys" who
graduated from Wesleyan University
a generation ago than Professor
Johnston, or "Uncle Johnnie" as
he was more familiarly known
Besides having profound scientific
mind far in advance of his time, he
had keen relish for a good joke,
whether on himself or another.
In order to aid the students of ge-
ology in grasping the essential dis.
tinctions between the various classes
of rock, he requested them to bring
in specimens and place them on his
desk before the recitation began.
One day a student brought a piece
of brick, secured from a building
being erected near the college, and
placed it on the table among the
other specimens. "Uncle Johnnie''
came in few moments later, and
apparently unsuspecting the hoax,
began the recital as usual by picking
up the specimens, one at a time,
naming them, and remarking their
peculiariaties.
"This, gentlemen, is a piece OF
sandstone; this is granite; while
this, somewhat similar in it's forma.
ton, is a piece Of quartz. And this,''
taking up the last bit on the table
and gravely surveying the expectant
class over the rim of his glasses, il
a piece of impudence.n
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
The Lawyers Story.

"Ses," said the lawyer, "there
are many funny incidents in the law
business, but there is sad side TO
some Of them, too, which makes me
reflect on how small q proportion of
all human wrongs and misfortunes
we are able to relieve. One day soon
after began practice, handsome
and fashionably dressed woman came
into my Office. From her looks |
judged she was not much over twenty
years of age, and learned afterward
that she had just been married ONLY
a short time before. She told me that
she had been sent by a clergyman.
who was friend OF mine, and after
some hesitation added that she had
had trouble with her husband.
l supposed that my visitor was
seeking to be released from Hymen's
bonds, and asked if there was any
evidence on which she could base an
action for divorce. She seemed to
be Mortified at the thought, and said
'Oh, no, sir; l don't want di
vorce.'
Well, then,' ! said, sprobably
you can get separation.' And /
0huuSi iatSu tue RTOuuuS on winch 1t
could be obtained.
But 1 wouldn't have a separation
if could get it, she said.
l became a trifie puzzled, but I
haZarded another suggestion.
Better go up to Judge Blank l
said naming one of the Police JUS
tices. He will give you a warrant,
and you can bring your husband into
court, and make him contribute a
fixed sum per week TO your support
don't want him to contribute to
my support said the woman, almost
crying by this time. L can make
more money than he can.'
This was eXasperating, so said
Well, madam, you can't get and
don't want divorce or q separation,
and you don't wish to compel your
husband to contribute to yoursupport
You must pardon me if i fail to see
how l can advise you, for / have no
idea as to what you do want
Tears welled up in the young
wonian's eyes, and, clasping her
hands she faltered plaintively
'l-1-want him-tO-tO- love
me!'D
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
Mr.. Moody i'm New York.
NelC York World.l

Mr.. Moody hurled many pithy
epigrams at his congregation .yester
day. Among other things he said:
There is too much head religion
The world is cursed with human re-
ligion. Gods religion is in the heart
mans is in the head. Where's yours
There's something even better than
silver or gold. The West wants sill.
yer and the East wants gold. God
wants the heart.
| 1t is the height of madness for a
man to try and pass himself off ON
| God for more than he is.
If tell my boy to tell neighbor
that | am out when he calls to see
me, put lie into that hoy's mouth ;
and 1T won't be six months before the
boy will lie to me.
The society lie is as bad as any
other kind.
There isn't lying mother in this
world to-day but has lying children.
A merchant who tells his clerk to
say to customer that goods are all
wool when they are half cotton can't
expect that clerk to be honest.
A corporation that makes it's en-
ployes work seven days q week must
not be surprised if they are dishon-
est.
If you sell whiskey you will reap
drunkenness every time.
There isn't a rum seller who has
been in the business twenty years
who has not got a drunken son, or
brother-in-law.
The most outrageous thing to-day
Is the way woman who has been
ruined is treated.
When you hear of young man
sowing his wild oats don't laugh and
cheer him on. Think of what he
will reap.
If we turn the day of God into a
day Of recreation this government
is doomed.
If / had my way I'd have /" Be
sure your sins will find you out"
in every counting room and restau-
rant.
The men who get drunk to-day
will be reaping tomorrow in the DO
lice courts.
The most deceitful thing in the
world is the human heart.
Sermons don't count much. I'd
rather have one word of the living
God than tons of other Words
Texts are nails; sermons are merely
hammers to drive 'em home.
Fifth and Water streets are lust
the same. They've all got to reap.
Money can't buy 'em off.
You never get thing dishonesty
that you weren't the loser. ANY
man who steals my pocketbook don't
get much, but he loses more than
DO. he loses the kingdom of
Heaven.
Every lie you tell will come rouud
to you some time. You may think
you have buried it out of sight, but
you haven't.
Partially will raise the old Adam
in any family. One of the greatest
sins in this country is the way young
folks treat their parents. Old man
and old woman they call them
The meanest murderers in this world
are the boys who take five years
breaking the hearts of their fathers
and mothers and killing them. The
man who puts knife in my heart,
to steal my money, is prince COM
pared with young man who comes
home at three O'Clock in the morn
ing and curses his mother.
You may fool with forked light
ming or with pestilence, but you
don't want to fool with sin.
What we want in this country is a
revival of righteousness, not of gush
and sentiment.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
Silenced the "Masher."

He had a smile as bright as his
gay-colored trap as he rode up along
side demure young woman who
was walking in Central Park the
other morning upon one of the as.
phalt paths. She heard the rattle of
wheels at her side, yet she turned
neither to the right nor to the left.
"Good morning !" said the band.
some young man as he raised his
straw hat with the dizzy band
Wouldn't you like to take ride
with me this morning"
The girl didn't say "Sir-r-r" or
L" What means this intrusion ?"-
She slowly turned around and looked
the young man over from head TO
foot. He bore her gaze without
fiinching, and started to get down
from his seat. as if to assist her into
the the trap.
The girl looked at him, and then
at the pocketbook which she held in
her hand.
81 don't know" she said, half
aloud. 81 don't know, Pm sure
How much would you charge tC
take me to the Art museum?"
There was whirl of yellow trap
of bright red hatband and flying
wheels.
"You'll dol" the young mar
said, as he drove rapidly away.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
A Well-StOcked Stream.

| | had just got my rod together and
was hooking on worm " hen the
owner Of the brook, sturdy and
somewhat Unlocking farmer, ap.
pearCd upon the bank beside me,
says a writer in the Lewiston Jour-
nal
offered Il short salutation, and re-
coiVcd one in return considerably
shorter than my own.
Any trout in this brook ?" /
asked.
Chock full NV 'em."
"Gou allow fishing here, of course?"
"Iaas, ef the PAYS all right"
How much?"
Five dollars a trip, now she's
stocked"
"Oh, she's stocked, il she ?''-
Well, Pll give you five dollars; in
advance, too"
He pocketed the money, and /
washed down the brook, a basketful
Of half-pOunders swimming before
my dazzled vision. In the first three
miles the only bite l had was from
my coat pocket. / spent an hour
casting in "the pool" another one
through the cut" and finished out
the afternoon skirmishing around
the shores Of the pond" Then
night came on, and | was glad. If
eyer ] have an evil deed to perform,
anything like numbering an able.
bodied farmer, | prefer to do it after
dark. On my way to the station
stopped at the house of the farmer
and inquired for him.
PAS gone ter the village" said
the boy; she got some money tur-
day, so he he's gone over tur git
some groceries,"
Your father told me the brook
was stocked" l said, fiercely.
/" So it's"
/" / don't believe there's trout in
it over an inch long"
"l don't, nuther," said the boy
"pa didn't stock it till las' summer"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
IncOrrOgible.

A man of this city who thoroughly
loves good cigar was indulging in
a smoke after dinner, when friend
who is given to moralizing touched
him on the arm and said:
Pm sorry that you still have
that habit"
Ppm not" was the emphatic re.
say. 81 was examined for life in
surance yesterday, and the doctor
phys my health is first rste. So there
is no use in telling me that it is hur-
rying me into my grave, for the facts
don't bear out the assertion"
"But it's very expensive habit ?''
find the satisfaction such as to
make me content to foot the bill.D
How long have you been smok-
ing ?"
Fifteen or twenty years."
DO you realize that with the
money you have spent in that way
you might have laid the foundation
for a fortune? Why, you might
have been the owner of that block
of houses over there"
have heard that kind of an ar
gument before, and 1t does not i'm
press me. If / had bought them
with money saved in that way I'd
be miserable thinking of the good
times | might have had smoking il
L hadn't wasted my money on blocks
of hOuseS,D
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
A Pigeon Tragedy.

" l see they are using carrier pig
cons quite extensively again."
" Yes. Young fellow up in our
neighborhood trained one to fly to
his lady loves window. One day
he tied gushy mushy note around
its neck, and set it adrift. Pigeon
flew down in brewery yard, and got
full. Couple of bad boys came
along and found the note on the dis.
graceful bird. Consequence is they've
been blackmailing my poor friend
for dimes ever SINCE"
What became Of the girl ."
Girl waited for pigeon delivery
long past schedule time. Pigeon de.
livery didn't come. Girl got mad
and engaged syself to mother fel-
low.o
How about the pigeon ?"
"PigeoD sticks to brewery. Cans
drive him away with barrel stave
Intoxicated most of the time. Ter
rible object lesson for the sparrows
Too bad, isn't it?"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-12-31
sect Out and Walk 7"

There is law In Kentucky popu
larly known as the "Jim Grow
Coach Law" BY this act coloreG
citizens and plain, or white, citizens
must not occupy the same compart
ment in any coach on any line OF
railway within the State. In April,
! 1896, q white man, being q sheriff.
had to escort three COlored convicts
to penitentiary. The sheriff and
his charges boarded train, and were
seated in the "Jim Crow" compart-
ment. In that compartment were a
dozen Afro Americans, blameless
before tho law. They objected TO
the presence of a white man in their
compartment.
THE Separate Coach Act says no
white man shall ride in any co'part-
mem reserved for the cullud citi-
zens," said black preacher.
Amt no queshtion bout dat"
assented yellow book-agent.
The conductor was called, and q
committee of three eXpounded the
law and insisted upon the rights
thereby secured to colored citizens.
The sheriff argued from the
eXigencies of the occasion.
amt a-goin' to leave them pris-
oners out o. my sight," he SAID.
But the conductor, tho supreme
authority upon a train in h'ansitu,
decided that the sheriff must get out
of the "Jim Crow" compartment.
but he might take his three prison
ers with him, if he chose, which he
did choose. In the smoker, a white
folks compartments, the appearance
OF the three negro criminals aroused
angry feelings.
Here, captain, shouted tobacco
cropper, "we can't have no niggers
in this compartment"
The sheriff rose to make an ex-
planatiOn.
Gentlemen, I've got to take
these here colored convicts to Eddy
vile. Now, if / can't 90 in the
Jim Crow because Pm white, and
the prisoners can't stay in here, bein'
niggers, l want you gentlemen to
tell me how in thunder Pm to de-
liver my prisoners 'co'din to my in
structions
"Git out and walk" was the
unanimous verdict, expressed vocif.
erously, and without a seconds hesi-
tation.
Meanwhile the train had gone a
matter of ten miles from the start
ing point. Nevertheless, the sheriff
and his prisoners had to get off at a
small wayside station, where the
pied combination waited some hours
before u freight train came along
and Hospitality received them into
IFS pabOOSp