The herald., 1896-05-24
some VERY SILLY STUFF
Hutchinson DisIikeS the Exam.
iner's Mathematics
THE PREHISTORIC CANNES
And Other Sacred Relics Lying About
Offend
DecoIlette Awning Rods Are Nuisances Thst
Should Be Corrected-So With the Big
Dogs-Ex.f1ayors

1t is again necessary to call the atten-
ton of the San Francisco Examiner and
other journals to the fact that they are
| publishing some very silly stun which
! occupies much space and which is con-
elusive evidence that the artist or some
body else on the staff is very ignorant
of mathematics.
A few days ago the Examiner publish
ed the latest census reports of the pop
| ulation of the great cities of the world
/: also gave some large illustrations
showing the alleged comparative size
of the cities by comparing human beings
of similarly relative size.
London, with 4.230,0 900 people, is rep
resented by John Bull as portly giant
Greater New York. with !. 200. 900 peo-
| pie, Is represented by an old knicker-
hooker who is three-fourths as tall as
John Bull. Paris, with 2,441 900, Is rep
resented by Frenchman who Is four
seventies as tall as John Bull. In this
way all the great cities of the world are
| supposed to be represented by men or
various stature. Chicago. with 100000
| PEOPLE, appears as an insignificant chap
| about one third of the height OF john
| Bull-as an infant whose hat rim would
Just touch the knees of the corpulent
! chap.
/ Now, anybody with a modlcum of
| brains knows that a man or average
| build who is three times as tall as an
other of the same proportions is three
| times as long, three times as wide ana
three times as thick as the other ara
| is, consequently, tWenty-seVen times as
large as the other. If London Wers
| twenty-seven times as large as Chicago
| it would be proper to represent the SIZE
| of London by six foot fellow and Chi-
cago by two-foot infant. but as chi
! cago is more than one-third as large
as London, Chicagos representative
must be about nine times as large as the
infant of the Examiners alleged WORK
of educational art.
If London is a six foot giant, Chicago
is a lusty youth of about four feet ana
four inches and Greater New YORK Is
an able bodied and average sized man
of five feet and seven inches.
If London We're properly represented
by man six feet tall two feet across
the shoulders. and wearing No. nat,
Chicago might be represented by two
foot man, but he must also be two rect
acress the shoulders and wear NO. y
hat on his short but wide and thick
head
Another San Francisco paper repre-
sents Mckinley and his competitors IN
the same senseless fashion.
4 good boy from a convenient gram
mar school would evidently be val
liable acquisition to the mathematical
department of some of the great dallies.
The street department and the health
department of this city are hereby mo-
titled that some guttersnipe has lately
stolen some papers from the complete
files of local papers in the cutters of
Arcadia, Sanchez and Plaza streets. Tn
til lately the reference and refuse and
awful offal department of that adjunct
to our pubic library have been com
plete In its archives may still be found
every style of garment worn by the In
dams of this section and the early white
settlers.
There too, can be found every sort Of
tamale wrapper known this side of the
internal regions. Now and then fur
ious gust of wind removes the covering
from the peaceful remains OF some pre-
historic canine or feline.
Other sacred relies that were once
there have been scattered to the four
winds, which have blown them about
rather roughly and have covered most
of them with the dust that conceals all
joys and sorrows and frailties.
The warm season is again with us,
and the tall man is once more compelled
to endure the rascal who puts q heavy
beam in his awning cloth as weight
to hold it still in the wind, and allows
the said beam to hang over the side
walk at the proper height to jar the
brains of the tall man. who passes by
as soon as he RECEIVERS from the blow.
The rods that are used to support the
awning are also cut lower in the neck,
and they cut lower into the necks of
others as they attempt to pass.
The big dog nuisance seems on the
increase here. 1t may be necessary to
give up the hest part of Spring street
for the use of the bulldogs and fox
hounds that delight the two-legged
representatives of their species. If so,
will the dog gone mad people please
tell us what particular streets they will
allow the rest of us to use in peace?
This city is burdened with several ex-
mayors whose terms of Office are still
mentioned with terms of kissing and as
by words and jests.
Nearly every one of the said incompe-
tents is scheming and planning to unite
all political parties but one on the can
didacy of the asinine schemer and con-
fessedly tried and found incompetent
eX-mayor.
An ass. who in his prime could not
carry fair load for one master. would
he but sorry donkey in his struggle
for dozen masters in his dotage,
This city is not inconsolabl over the
political misfortunes of it's eX-mayors.
What we want is a man who will not
fall down and break his neck the first
time he has half an opportunity to do so.
The anti-railroad anti-funding anti
Huntington Croker pro- McLach-
Ian Republican platform straddle at
Sacramento is worthy of much study.
As an athletic, disemboweling, rejuve-
mating feat it will always hold high
rank among the feats Of political con-
tortionists.
EDWARD L. HUTCHINSON.