The Monitor-register., 1896-12-11

x*x
HE says that he loves me more than
lis life. and that he can't live without
me-" "Oh, all young men say that"
But they don't say it to me ."-Truth.
x*x
"How wish was poor once morep
What for. you foolish womau?" $50 1 |
'ould have some fun putting plants in
I'D tomato cans - Chicago Meas.
x~x
Jenkins-"Had you any luck on your
Western trip"
Jsckson-''Grest luck! The baby cut |
'our teeth while was away Puck
x*x
"Did ever tell you how l got licked |
in school once?"
"No"
swell. got it You see, half dozen !
Of us boys arranged to jump on the
teacher at given signal, aud-'
"You were the only one that jumped9"
Exactly Chicago Record
~.
Men would go shopping oftener with
If they weren't shamei 50 bv the
way they treat the salesgirls -Neao York
Press.
x**
Il hear Smith has quit sowing his iln
OATS -
Y p"
YES HIS attenti u was called to the
81 rong arguments in favor of rotation of
crops. ."-Detrost Tribune.
x*&
''Fine dog; is he lively?"
mot by nature; only from necessity"
"What do you meap?"
"Fleas "-Bufalo Times.
x*x
Cobwigger-''Has your store ever been
robbed?'
Beddington-"No, stree. We sell
everything SO cheap here that when
thief wants an article he just comes in and
buys il" "-Harlena Life.
x*x
Zola commends the bicycle to those who
would enjoy forgetfulness. He forgets to
mention, however, just what portion of
the fider's head must hit the ground first
in order to bring about this state of
affairs.-Baltimors Life.
*#*
''Why is bicycle feminineP" asked in
quisitive Tommy of ma.
because of its face and beauty, dear,
she replied. with a glance at pa, who
grunted and said:
"No; it's just because of the horrid
expense they are. ."-Ihe Hub.
x*4
A hypnotist takes great credit to
himself for putting policeman to sleep.
The man who can claim public applause
must show an ability to keap a police
man awake. Chicago ITibu ne
+*x
Seeker-''I notice that you sent your
son to the football game in great style;
hired palace car for him, didn't youP"
Sageman-You're right did,"
Seeker-It looked odd to see that
freight car following on, though. What
was that for?"
Sageman-"That contained his equip
ments for the game. ."-BostOn Courier.
First Hunter-"That cottou-tail is
gaining on your dog right along. He'll
never make foot ball player"
Second Hunter-"Do you mean the
dop?"
First Hunter-"Yes. He can't get
ahead of hare. ."-Riclmond Dispatch
~ Hey affection seems to have
cooled with the weather"
She-"That is the point exactly. You
know that a summer f1irtation carried
over into the fall is liable to become
chronic. ."--IndianapoEis Journal.
~
swell, Johnnie," said the visitor, "I
suppose you'll begin going to school
again very soon."
"Yes."
"Do you like going to sohoola"
"Yes; it's staying there after get there
that / don't like. ."-Judys.
#~x
Il was so vexed." said the Dear Girl,
"that could have cried"
Sand did you2" asked the Other Dear
Girl.
"No. l was just getting ready to When
the dinner bell rang."- CScinnati
Enquirer.
#~*
Little Elmer-Pa, why is it that bache.
lors are SO much more grabbed and GROSS
than married menP
Mr.. Hennypeek-Because they are not
afraid to say what they think my SON
Puck.
x*4
The Sins of her Father-She wrung her
hands. s'Alas." she moaned, ''here are
the bitter fruits of my foolish marriage.
l have lived to tes my son follow in the
footsteps of his unhappy father and
choose absolutely the wrong make of
bicycle"
In all nature there is nothing like a
mothers grief.-Detroit Tribune.
**x
ln kentucky.-Stranger--I understand
that they lynehed a man here y yesterday.
What bad he doneP
Colonel Pepper-Done, sub? What
had he doneP Why, sub, he come here
to open a branch agency for mineral
water company! That's W hat he done!-
ClegelGn1 Leader.
~
"Getting good prices for your apple.p"
asked an inquisitive city man of Uacle
Cutfeed, who drove in yesterday with a
wagon load.
''Prices2" he repeated. "They amt
wort shillin' t. peck. Wish q gosh
I'd raised oranges. Buffalo Times
Aching Joints
Announce the presence of rbeum ATTAIN
which causes untold suffering. Rheuma