The representative. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1893-1901, 1896-07-01
An INSURRECI7ON AMONG THE
POTATOES.

We gave the other day the sad his
tory OF them pota toes, 100 bushels,
raised on our land last fall,-which
we tried to sell for 25 cents a bushel,
for Is cents, for 10 cents, for cents,
for one cent! But nary bid could we
get. We offered them as a present to
our neighbors and some were carted
away. The remainder, about 500
bushels, were dumped into the Mis-
sissippi River; for they had begun to
smell stronger than the G. 0. p, and
threatened to breed pestilence
worse than the calamities which that
great organization has engendered in
the land.
We thought that was the end of the
potatoes; but the other day the news
reached US that they were kicking up
a great Robbery in the bed OF the
Father of Waters, and that a rebel
lion of some kinda la Clews-was
threatened. We went down to inves-
tigate the matter. We found the po-
tatoes rolling and tumblin2 In the
river in high state of excitement.
At last one Of the tubers, a Zig fellow,
rose up to the top, on the shoulders
of the rest, and cooking one Of his in
dignant eyes at us, cried out tiercely:
"See here! We submitted patiently
to the degradation of being pitched
into this wet place, like dece ased
cat, because we thought it was in
evitable; but we have since been in
formed, by a polite catfish, that
there Is a toriff on US Of ten cents q
belshelY We are PROTECTED potatoes!
Do you hear that? Protected potatoes!
The agis of mighty nation is spread
over US. The tariff has added ten
cents bushel to our price! We can't
therefore be worth less than ten cents
a bushel. Mckinley has been nomin-
ated to uphold the doctrine Of pro-
lection; and protection protects by
putting up prices; and our price is up;
and it was Populist who dumped
US into the Mississippi, in order to
show that the Vests share in the
benefits of Protection is a fraud and
a sham. Hurrah for Mckinley and
Here the whole mass of turbule Mt
potatoes rolled and tumbled and
shouted like an oldparty gold nd
ard meeting. All they needed was a
brass band and few torches to en-
able them to vote.
"Take US out of here" cried the big
potato again; "our normal price is 25
cents bushel; and the tariff adds 10
cents, that makes us worth 50 cents
a bushel; and it is sacrilege to throw
35 cents potatoes into the Mississippi.
Go get the horses and wagon and haul
US out. Give US a chance for our
white alley"
And then it was our sad duty to ex-
plain to the potatoes that the tariff
was humbug; that the tariff on
wheat is 20 cents a bushel and wheat
had fallen from 81 bushel to IS cents
in the Dakotas and 46 to IS cents in
Minnesota. There is a tariff of 20
cents on oats and oats are worth from
10 to Is cents a bushel. There is a
tariff of 20 cents on corn and corn is
worth 1S cents bushel. There is a
tariff of 20 cents on barley and barley
is worth 18 cents. And the protect
ed" habitants of this country are
going around with empty pockets and
holes in their neither raiment. and
contemplating highway robbery or
suicide.
And when they heard these words
the whole pile of potatoes sent up
wild shriek-"We have been fooled!
We have been fooled" and sank down
weeping into the mud of the river bed
and gave up the ghost. There wasn't
one of them fool enough to vote for
Mckinley if he had had chance.
But men are wiser. They hug their
robbers