The evening bulletin. [volume] (Maysville, Ky.) 1887-1905, 1896-05-02
GEMS OF QUICK WIT.
HAPPY ANSWERS WORTHY OF A
PLACE IN LITERATURE.
Old Witticisms Which Are as Good Today
as When They Were First Put Forth.
Law Courts and Prisoners Furnish n
CoodIy Share.

Mr.. Samuel Weller's memorable evil
dence at certain breach Of promise
trial is probably a record" for the
greatest number Of happy answers in the
shortest time, but there are authenti-
Gated instances Of actual utterances
which certainly rival them in brilliance
and appropriateness. The law courts, as
may be imagined, furnish their full
quota, but many are perforce, unappre-
ciable by those unacquainted with the
technicalities or the Target" of the TO-
rum. Still, Lambs chatting description
Of friends maiden brief as the first
great cause least understood" is in
comprehensive enough, as is the quiet,
acquiescent ''That is so, my lord" of
the barrister to whom an irate Judge
had just observed, II can't give you
brains, Mr.. So-and-so" II, myself,
have two small manors, my lord, " said
a very i'll bred, pompous counsel, to IL
lustrate a question of property law.
"We all know that, Mr.. Kewsey," OBJ
served the judge with suave courtesy,
and smile of delight ran round the
assembled bar. Look at me, sir, and
attend to what I shall ask you, !" thun-
dered learned counsel whose unfortu-
nate "homeliness" of feature had gain
ed him the sobriquet of the Yelled
Prophet. "This is an English court, )"
rejoined the witness quietly, "and you
have no right to impose torture before
putting the question.
Prisoners, too, have fair proportion
of "happy answers" credited to them.
Of these perhaps the best known are
that Of a man who, when asked if he
pleaded guilty or not guilty." replied
that he couldn't say till he had heard
the evidence, and the naive response of
the prisoner to the usual question before
the sentence, Have you anything to
say, prisoner, before sentence is pro
nounced upon you?' cts very kind Of
your honor, and if it's quite agreeable
to the court 1 should like to say Good
evening"" On one occasion counsel i'll
a certain drainage case submitted that
the plaintiffs, the Sewage Localization
company, had ''no locus standi in this
court. F" "Heaven forbid!' was the fer
vent ejaculation of the learned judge.
Something akin to this was the answer
of the judge when complaint was made
that luckless process server had been
compelled to swallow the writ he had
endeavored to serve. 81 hope" said his
lordship gravely, "that the writ was
not made returnable in this court.
Tho oncxtya,c ox,,;,c, tho;r
point to Biblical or ecclesiastical allu-
sions, are still more numerous, but in
many cases are somewhat too audacious
for print. ''He is a regular ST. Paul.
was the final eulogy made by an enthu-
siastic friend Of a certain needy clergy
man whose chronic impecuniosity had
brought him into painfully frequent ia
miliarity with the various processes of
the law for the recovery of debts
yes" said the bishop, whose assist
ance was being solicited, quite so.
see-'in prisons Oft" The pardonable
but injudicious enthusiasm Of some cler- !
gymen over their musical services has
given rise to many smart sayings, which |
are, at any rate, 'ben trovato." None, |
perhaps, is better than the familiar one
Of the exasperated visitor who, after be-
ing made to listen in torment to Gre.
gorian chants cruelty murdered, was
told that according to tradition those |
chants owed their origin to King David |
himself. The visitor, rendered reckless |
by his misery, retorted that he had of
ten wondered why Saul threw that jaw
elm at the royal psalmist, but he quite |
understood it now.
A careworn divine is reported to have |
said in reply to the ecstatic declaration
in the world beats a good wife," "Oh,
yes bad husband often does, and
vice versaP" One would like to have
known the schoolgirl who, in reply to
her brothers. jeers and inquiry, "Why
girls should be always kissing each 9TH
er and men not?'' said that, of course
it was because girls had nothing better
to kiss and men had-but perhaps she
studied the question too deeply and de-
veloped into the fair cynic who after
season or two of conquests, gave it as
her opinion that men were like colds,
very easy to catch and very hard to get
rid Of. Few better things are recorded
than the answer Of Beaconsfeld to the
question how he felt after the change
from the stormy scenes Of the commons
to the serene atmosphere Of the lords.
"FeelP answered the statesman. IT
feel as though were dead and buried"
and then, noticing for the first time
that his questioner was a peer, he add
ed, with charming smile and bow,
"and among the blessed spirits of the
great and good" This adroit recovery
from an unfortunate slip recalls the IA
miliar story Of the prince regent and
the officer Of marines, In those brave
old days Of free drinking the empty bot
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