Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1896-01-01
CHE storu Teller.
SMITH AND JONES.
A Humorous Sketch.

New Jersey, TWO men, nanleu onlIn
and Jones, both of whom had designs
upon the legislature. Jones had bad
wife, and was in love with another
pretty woman. He wished to be di-
vorced from the bad wife so that he
could marry the pretty woman, who,
by the by, was widow with sparkling
black eyes and raven tresses. Smith
had a good wife, plump as a robin,
good as an angel, and the mother of 10
children. Smith did not want to get
divorced but sought to get charter
for q turnpike from Pigs Run to
Terrapin Hollow. So, with these
different objects, they came to Tren-
ton, and addressed the assembled
wisdom there with the usual argu-
ments. 1st. Oyster suppers with a
rich background of steak and venison.
I'd. Liquors in abundance, from the
stunning "Jersey lightning to the
bubbling champagne. TO speak in
plain prose, Jones gave a champagne
supper, and Smith followed with a
champagne breakfast.
Under the modifying influence of
these tempting repasts, the wise law
makers passed both the divorce and
turnpike bills, and Jones and Smith
with copy of each bill, on parch-
ment, in their pockets-went rejoicing
to their homes.
"My love-" said Smith, when be was
once more comfortably esconced before
his own domestic hearthstone, and
speaking to his wife, who was minis
tering to the necessities of the young
est offspring, 81 am one of the direc-
tors of the Pigs Run aud Terrapin
Hollow turnpike, and will be presi-
dent, my dear. 1t will quite set us up
in life. We will send our children to
boarding-school, and live in style off
the tolls. Here's the charter, ducky."
"Let me see it, pet" said the wife,
who was the best of wives, with
plumpness and good nature beaming
all over her face. She nestled on
Smiths shoulder and threw her arm
lovingly about his neck, as she helped
him examine the parchment.
Suddenly Smiths visage grew long.
His wife's looked blank. Smith was
hot generally profane, but now he
ripped out fearful oath.
"Blast it, wife !" he shouted, furious
ly, "those Internal scoundrels at Tren-
ton have divorced us ~
1t was too true. The parchment he
held was a bill of divorce, in which
the names of Smith and his wife
appeared in frightfully big letters.
Mrs. Smith wiped her eyes with the
corner of her apron, as she exclaimed :
"Oh, dear, here's a turnpike! Mr..
Smith, with the whole 10 of our child
rem staring me in the face, l amt
your wife"
Here the voice of the poor woman
became choked with sobs, and her
utterances were too indistinct to be
recorded. AS for Smith, he cursed
away at such rate as would have
convinced and spectator of the propri.
ETY. of sending him missionary. AL
though the night was dark, and the
denizens of the village had retired to
their beds, Smith babe his wife put on
her bonnet, and arm in arm they
proceeded to the house of the clergy
man of their church.
"Goodness, bless mel" exclaimed
the mild, good man, as he saw them
enter, Smith looking like the last June
shad, and Smiths wife's face all
streaked with tears, "what is the
matter?"
"The matter is, want you to marry
us right off," replied Smith.
"Marry you !" exclaimed the aston
Iished clergyman, with expanded fingers
and wondering eyes; "are you drunk
or crazy?"
~ amt crazy, and wish 1 was
drunk" said Smith, very desperately.
"The fact is, Brother Goodwin, some
scoundrels at Trenton have, unknown
to us, divorced me from my wife, and
she is the mother of nine of my
children"
"Ten, Smith-there are 10 of them" "
said Mrs. Smith, reprovingly.
Well, the minister seeing the condi-
ton of things, married them over
again, and would not take any fee.
The fact is, he was anxious to be
alone, so that he could give vent to a
suppressed laugh that was shaking
him all over.
Smith and his wife went home and
kissed every one of their 10 children,
and the little Smiths never knew that
their father and mother had been made
strangers to each other by legislative
enactment.
Meanwhile, and on the self-same
night, Jones returned to his native
town, and sought the fine pair OF
black eyes which he hoped shortly to
call his own. The pretty widow sat
on the sofa, white handkerchief tied
carelessly around her round white
throat, and her black hair laid i'll silky
waves against her rosy cheek.
"Divorce is the word !" cried Jones,
playfully patting her double chin.
"The fact is, Eliza, | am rid of that
cursed woman, and you and / will be
married tonight. know how to man
age those fellows at Trenton. A
champagne supper (or was it break
fast p did our business with them.
Put on your bonnet, and let us 20 to
the preachers at once, dearest"
The widow (who was among widows
as peaches are among apples) put on
her bonnet and took Jones's arm, and
"Just look how f.ndsome it is put
on parchment" cred Jones, pulling
the document out before her, there's