The Saint Paul globe. (St. Paul, Minn.) 1896-1905, 1896-12-28
BANE OF HIS LIFE.
How His Wife Turned the Light
ming of Heaven Upon Him.

J. 3 Yes" he was saying to the group
around the hotel stove, Invention and
progress and all that sort of thing have
g. great deal to do with the enlighten-
ment of the world, but 1 want to say
right here that I am opposed to the
whole business
you must be from back country In
New England" suggested a war de-
partment clerk from Posey county,
Indiana, according to the Washington
Star.
Not much; I'm from Indiana" said
the talker, Indignantly. "An Indian
an is always known instinctively by
persons of intelligence"
$50 1 have understood" apologized
the Posey county man, "but go on with
your argument. You must have a rea-
son for your opinions"
81 have, and it all comes of my mar
rying Yankee school marin"
mo wonder" ventured a treasury
clerk from Maryland.
YES" continued the representative
Of the dark ages from Indiana, TT all
comes Of marrying a woman that was
scientific and sot in her ways. You
see, she wasn't a spring chicken when
| got her, and she had ideas. I had
been a bachelor for some time like
forty-six years, and I didn't care much
what time 1 got in Of nights, but my
wife did, and she insisted on my con-
forming to her notions. l kicked and
told her she could conform to mine
and stay out as late as she pleased,
but that didn't seem to do any good.
Then we had scraps right along be-
cause she was bound to make me come
in at an early hour
"She wanted to reform you" re-
marked guest from Harpers Ferry.
Did she?' snorted the martyr. mot
much. She wanted to have her own
way. But l was no SLOUGH myself, and
stood her out. Then she quit coaxing,
and, being kind Of innocent-like about
women, I thought 1 had taught her
q lesson she wouldn't forget So the
next night, it being Sunday, I didn't
get in till about 1 o'clock. I'm willing
to admit it wasn't quite proper.
well, when 1 came up on the front
steps l did it powerful quiet, and Just
as easy I slipped my night key in the
door and turned it. 1 pushed the door
open on the same easy terms, when to
my everlasting astonishment bell in
the back yard began to bang bang,
bang, like terrific fire alarm. OF
course, I didn't know what it was, and
l chased back aft to find out never
having heard a bell in that neighbor-
hood before, and then when l opened
the kitchen door the church bell, whose
back yard and ours fronted, went off
with a clang, clang, and then both
bells seemed to be loaded full of devils
all trying to get out at once, and when
I tried to get back into my house the
kitchen door was locked, and 1 was
caught in a trap.
with all that racket going on it
didn't take long to bring half the town
down on me, and 1 was found in my
own back yard unable to get out and
unable to explain what I was doing
there or why l was there Some of
my DEAR good neighbors, who seemed
to smell a mice, said they would go in
and find my wife, as she had not show
ed up; but they couldn't find her; nor
could l tell them where she was, be-
cause I had left her at home when
went down town after dinner"
Had she eloped?" inquired the Po-
sey county man.
mot much" responded the other
Hoosier, regretfully. "She had merely
put job up on me, and gone out in the
suburbs to stay all night with an aunt
Of hers, while I stood the brunt Of it.
You see, she put lot of electric wires
in there and connected them with the
doors, and bell she had set up in the
back yard. Then she ran them, or one
of them, on over to the church. where
she was organist and could get in and
out as she pleased, and fixed it to make
a striker on the church bell. AS
said, she was scientific, and the way
she played it on me vas one Of the
finest scientific displays I have ever
witnessed, and, by gravy, if it hap
pens again something else is going to
happen"
Later the clerk explained that the
guest had only reached Washington
that evening, and while he was osten-
sibly looking for the postmastership of
his native village, he was in reality
away from home until the echoes of
those bells had died away and he could
return in peace and comfort