Evening star., 1896-02-22
.ALKALl IKE AND HIS TOWN

Where can Idfint young MI. Simpkins.
the tourist, lke?n Inquired the able editor
of the Hawvillearclhrion. accosting Alkali
Ike, who was comfortably lounging in an
up-tilted cnair in front Of the post office
and engaged inca desmtory exchange of
innocuous ideas with Long Bill Bobo, the
mail carrier. vino had lately driven in from
Rantedodlar. s.
''f1oW do l know?' responded Ike, IAN
guidly. "As I was a-sayin', Bill thar
tain't+' II
"But saw him in your company while
ago." persisted tle editor.
Likely" answered the ingenious Isaac
II knowed his 'whurabouts then, but I
don't know now. Last I seen of the gent
he was distrlbutin' tracks plenty lavish
in the general direction of Nova Scotia,
with the heels pinted this way. Judgin'
from The number of revolutions per minute
he peared to be maxim then, l should
tazaru that he's miles from yere by now II
he,s stu keepin' up his lick. Val, as l said
i JpRS[ofe; Rlll, thar hain't nuthin'n,I.,
Wal, ho!' broke in the mali Carrier. I
reckon that was him l sorter met up With
about three miles out. I'm beholdin' fig
ger approachin' like he'd been considerably
shot in tie immediate past with box Of
tacks, but as soon as he sights me he
angles away from the trail, like he aims to
pc exclusive, an'pasSes away around me on
the jump. I'm hailin' him an askln' whats
tore loose but he just throws his hands
out with the parms toward me an sails on
w rd, hittin' only the high places an them
infrequent. I filings a shot in his general
direction, as a sort of a fare-you-Uell, an
lets MN purseed. Bout mile later one of
the hosses kicks two-billed checkered cap
INTO the tumble weeds. Reckon that was
your tourist?'
Reckon So" acknowledged Ike, indiffer-
tal Hi In a q i a
sayin'-'
But, great guns, Ike" interjected the
eoitor, where was he going?"
Didnt say-back to New England
prob'ly"
What on earth had happened to him?'
AW, ned been lookin' for a type-he
lcund 1t, an lit out, judge, to blazon his
discovery to the world. That's all know
about it.''
ing with him?
"Huh" responded Ike. turning to the
mail carrier. did he look like he'd been
rranked with, Biil?"
Not so you could notice it." answered
lnat worthy. judicially. AS well as 1 could
pTognostlcate from whur was at he look
ed more like he'd met a bear"
Bear or no bear" persisted the molder
OF pl phc opinion, impatiently, "of course
you We're responsible for his departure, Ike
dont know what happened. but l know
YOU
Who? Me? Shucks. Burcuz one tour
1st, more or less, takes it into his fool head
10 tear out, is that any reason why you
should accuse me Of havin' given him the
run! He broke out on this we're exodus
turcuz he wanted to; was thar any law di-
feclln me to git out mandamus COM
peliin' him to Lalt an show cause why he
shouldn't rip loose? l didn't own him, did
so?'
How do know? For week or so he's
Deeh perooZin' around the settlement with
his spectacles on his nose DRAWN IN
viducus comparisons, as they say in stories
tet"lxt our manners an customs an those
F1evailin in New England. He found a
sood dea! yere to poke the finger of scorn
at, too. l haint KNOWN whur these we're
all-wise dubs from the east git their an
lhcrlty Tor setlin' it that so-an'so Of our
customs is wrong an unseemly, jest burc,lZ
Trey don't happen to jibe with the eastern
standard. Come spyin' around an throwin'
UP their hands in horror burcuz Oklahoma
amt New England! Oklahoma don't offer
no criticisms burcuz New England chooses
to do different from us. an why in sizzin'
tawment Should New England feel called
uLCn to scof burcuz Oklahoma does as it
dCrn pleases? Reminds me, by jng of A
boy timin' the sunrise with pewter watch
an then maxim Grafton that the sun is
seventeen minutes late.
Them people back thar in little old two
by-four New England are cursed with the
ldear, that thar hain't culture and re-
11nement west of the AEygainer noun
tafrs! They are sanguine that we are all
man-eaters out yere, who wore clouts an
nved IN trees till he was captured an
tanned! Why, blamed if tourist didn'
ask me- once if" :. -
Never mind that! What about Mr.
Simpkirs?'
'Aw, him! He was as bad as the rest of
MS tribe. l don't know why he annexed
himself to me speshful, but he did, and
took plenty notes to put in an essay that
he aimed for to read to some coterie Of
brains back thar He was an inouirin'
scrt of chap an while he was taggin'
around with me assisted him to enough
miscellaneous information to make him a
smart old man If he lives. Eh-yah! done
what I could to fill him up. Wal he's all
the time anxious to behold type
What do you mean by that?"
''Why, the sort Of western man he'd seen
pictured out IN the eastern magazines. His
1dear or a type was red-eyed, uncurried
human, a-hollerin' perpetual for blood. An
he mentioned to me with great glee-though
plumb forgot all about it till afterWard-
he'd read of slim, quiet tourist who look
ed one Of these yere man-eaters square in
the eye while he was ravenin' for gore an
made him stink away like a whaled pup
never fggered that he aimed to try such
me an him rounds up in the Dew Drop
lrn but never took him thar-he lest
tagged along. While I'm attendin' to my
own affairs he spies out Cinnamon Bob,
wall, sleepin' the sleep of the jest, with his
skin full of tarantula juice. An the first
thing I knows, this yere tourist sneaks
over. ketches Cinnamon by the whiskers
an tries to jerk 'em out by the roots You
know them whiskers Of hisn-look like
they'd been cut off from the hump of the
yak of Tartary with pair of .duli skates
Wal"
Great guns, Ike!' calculated the editor
you told Mr.. Simpkins to pull Cinnamon
Bob's whiskers?"
Nav! I told him not to pull 'em.
whispered to him that they look
ed as if they was real, an not to pesticate
with 'em. Nacheral enough, I acknowlede
ed that If they'd happened to be false it
would have been good joke to jerk 'em
off. That was about all said, an the next
thing 1 knowed, as was sorter takin' a
few drops of suthin with couple of other
prominent citizens, burcussed If that thar
fool tourist hadn't snooped over an ierked
them whiskers! That's just how it happan-
ed didn't have nuthin' to do with it. An
besides, 1 sposed Cinnamon could take
joke. Wal, as I was a-sayin a spell ago
Bill-"
What did Cinnamon do?'
"Aw, he couldn't take a Joke! An how
in thunder was 1 to know that he was full
of wolf an had had two fracusses already?
He swarned all over that thar tourist.
telchin' forth fire, smoke an lava. with
out givin' him time to sorter commence TO
fix him with his eye. For minute things
was better ina gined than described as the
feller says, an then Cinnamon flung his
prey out into the street an roared for him
to git off whur it would be decent to shoot
IT.. Mr.