The St. Johns herald., 1896-09-12

What figure do you like best in the quadrille?' Yours, missw-Fliegende Blaetter.
 Lord Account Cproudly)-I can trace my descent from William the Con- queror. cynacus-You have been a long time on the downward path Truth.
 Mabei-And so he had the assurance to demand that you marry him. What did you say? Ethel-I told him the supply was not equal to the demand Truth.
 The deaf man no longer needs
 To walk the railroad ties;
 The scorcher finds him on the street
 And waits him to the skies. Indianapolis Journal.
 Cumso-Well, Johnny, how do you like your new teacher? Johnny-NOt much. She doesn't know anything. To- day she asked me who discovered America.-Brooklyn Life.
 "Now, Eleanor, you weigh 130 pounds and the weight gauge on the hammock registers 300 pounds. Where did that other TO pounds come from" From N-new York, 1 think."-Life.
 ''I see the Jacksons have put screens all around their piazza" "Yes, and 1 have my opinion of people who are SO stlngy that they won't even let flies sit on their porch. h."-Chicago Record.
 Make hay while the sun shines
 Is advice often needed.
 Make love while the moon shines"
 Is oftener needed.
 Washington Star.
 Bloomer-That man Crafty, why, he doesn't know enough to come in out of the rain. Gloomer-Yes; but he does know how to hold on to an um- brella.-Philadelphi North American. Miss Keedick-Did you know that the wealthy Ruth Stopaclock was married? Miss FOsdick-No; is she? Miss Kes- dick-Yes. Miss Fosdick-Now know why people call It the almighty dollar. Judge.
 Teacher-Willle, you are to stay in after school and do three extra exam pies. Willie-What! and get put out of the Scholars Union for workln' over time? will, don't tthlnk!-Cincinnati Enquirer.
 "But what makes you think that Dawber would make a success as sign painter?" "He hasn't the least idea of punctuation, and If he ever spells a word right 1t is only by accident" Boston Transcript.
 He told he. he had lost his heart,
 As he gazed in her lovely eyes;
 But, alasI the cruel nsaid answered.:
 "Why don't you advertiser --Up-to-Date.
 Miss Fly is so clever; she can sell women shirt waists that fit every time" Pooh! Miss Chipper Is more clever still; she can sell them shirt waists that don't fit."-Chicago Rec ord.
 visitor-What makes you so ugly, Tommy? Don't you love your new baby brother? Tommy (viciously)- Well. did till somebody came in and said he looked like me.-Somerville Journal.
 She-How provoking this Is! I've been waiting an hour for the tide to get up. He-Yes; but you shouldn't get impatient Remember it's been out nearly all night.-Woonsock Report CT.
 Smithson-Hello, Dobson, you are getting stout, aren't you? Dobson- Well, I was getting stout, but since l bought my wheel I have been falling of siderably.-Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph.
 1 thought her mine-my rival watched
 Us ride away, then he
 Went straight and bought tandem, and Of course that settled me!
 Cleveland Plain Dealer.
 She-Do you remember, Jack, this day one year ago you offered me your hand and heart and cruelty refused Tou? IT have thought better of it since. He-Umph! So have I.-New York Herald.
 Hobson-How do you stand on the currency question, Dobson? Dobson- I'm awfully sorry, old man, and I'd be glad to accommodate you, but the fact is, I'm broke.-New York Commer- cial Advertiser.
 ''So you enjoy belonging to the Fat Mems ClubT "Oh, yes; it is delightful. ,sWbat are some of the pleasures? ?' 'Why, every fat man in the club dis covers at once that all the other men in the club are fatter chan he is."-Louis vile Courier-Journal.
 Don't you get awfully tired doing nothing all the time" asked the young man who thought himself interested in sociology. Mister" answered Peary Pattetic, "I git so tired doin' nothin that I can't do nothln' else"-Cincin. natl Enquirer.
 Man with awful toothache meets q friend and tells him his woes. The friend-Ah, had just as bad a tooth. ache as you yesterday, and I went home, and my wife pitied me, and kiss ed me, and made so much of me that the toothache disappeared. You take my tip. The achyne-Is your wife aa home now, do you think?-Woonsockea Reporter.
 The COW which will proftably con vert the largest amount of feed into milk or butter is the most profitable one to keep. The COW which yields g generous return for the food consumed is the COW for profit, and the one thai if xuill rav t0 fnod croOorOuc1v oova .