Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-05-17
SPRING THOUGHTS.

WnINu lllUUulllO.
At this writing the question with us peo-
pie outside the incorporated towns Is
whether to shoot, hang or burn at the
stake the fellow that infiicts smashed bug
gies, death and doctor bills by making the
highway a foaming stream of paper.
Only yesterday l walked down the road
two hours behind an advertising outfit
wouldn't have driven a blind mule with
hobbies on-and the first thing was fence
stake with blood on it and all along for
mile were hair, spokes, eggs, butter, hold
| back straps, brains, splinters and ribs,
and still the Internal paper was rolling
around in the wind threatening the next
man with a horse with immediate exter-
| mination and a general Settlement of his
individuality and other effects.
Our Ohio Legislature passed a bin to
prevent women from wearing the large
hats intended to keep mems eyes from the
immoral influences of the stage. 1t also
passed bill to prevent US from scattering
| any devlment or sharp pointed merchan-
disc along the course of the bicycle.
This bicycle bill was all right enough, l
guess; so would have been the theatre hat
bill had the men been given a few good
stiff paragraphs on opera etiquette TO bal
ance off.
But a bill that will help manage old
jimmy with butter and eggs. a woman
and six children, will be of much more
value to that large class of people whose
chief pastime is paying taxes and trying
to make a living.
Excepting the undertaken every one who
| knows that horses have eyes and that
some pneumatically tired theatre hat Leg
| islaure haven't hopes that the next Leg
| islature will. if it does anything mo re-
| Elections ntended), also prevent this pub
! lie nuisance; or else give the people per-
mission to let their guns go off accident
ally under certain circumstances which if
| named might incriminate me before the
next term of court.
But. even now, a dose of hy-paper is a
| grave offense. and 1 believe any court
will feel kindly toward the fellow who
possesses an unmanageable Ithaca, Par
ker or Smith e. Wesson.
| The dissolved roots of the sassafras are
| now passing through ten million alimen-
tary canals. Who would suspect such an
enormous transportation of timber by way
| of canals? But such is the case.
In springtime every man with a heart
and liver has thoughts of love and sas-
safras. Love makes his heart a whole or
! chestra in an orange grove OF delight. and
sassafras tea makes his blood run with the
| glow of a boy clinging to a swiftly NOV
| ing watermelon.
Sassafras tea always comes in blowing
time. 1t makes the pillow guide easier. It
| makes old jimmy get more expeditions. 1t
| tones ones stomach. saves much profanity.
| increases the appetite, decreases doctor
! bills, builds up the system, tears down mar
row prejudices and widens ones intellec-
tual horizon and corn-crib. There is moth
ing better than sassafras tea.
The old lady reads her Bible and is happy
in It's promises; but delays their realiza-
ton by drinking good old fashioned "sas-
! safrac tea"
l was told that Methuselah drank up all
the sassafras in Asia except seven or eight
| carloads Enoch and few others disposed
OF. Since then there has been a great fall
ing off of years.
Mr.. Hood claims it was Hoods Sarsa-
parilla Methuselah drank. Pierce claims
| that Pierce's Pellets were always on Me-
| thuselah's sideboard.
There being such a difference of opinion
on this matter, will not undertake TO sat-
| isfy my own mind as TO Methuselahs
spring medicine. But give me good old
"sassafrac tea" and just watch how stub
| bornly and smilingly 1 put off my last
sickness and creditors.
When the grass begins to grow,
And the birds begin TO sing;
When the plows begin TO go;
And the dinner bells TO ring;
When the cocks begin to crow,
And the hens begin TO lay;
When all the fowls clatter so,
And five is break of day;
When the carpet lacks go clink,
Making all us men so shy.
And it's sassafras we drink;
Wy then it's spring-says |.
AS this poem may become very popular
and make me famous, l will say that II
any of the magazines wish to reprint it,
the following will be a very appropriate
foot-note:
Mr.. Fogg. the author of the above poem.
was born very quietly in 1858 Was raised
on farm. Not wishing to cast any re-
Elections on the farm, will not say what
one.
Mr.. Fogg began to write poetry before he
knew anything worth speaking Of and has
continued to write under the same condi-
tons ever since.
AS with most poetry. this poem is a true
reflection of the author, and precudes the
need of further comment 1t certainly
shows a remarkably close communion with
nature. and that. some time or other.
while wandering through the forest in the
throes of poetical fancy the author has
stepped on a crooked stick. or else, at some
time. has failed to remove his intellect
from the way of passing train.
On FOGG.
SAID IN FUN.
so Miss Keene is engaged" said one
Young man Eyes renlied the de-