Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1896-05-16
(The snd,)
MISERY IN i DRESS SUIT.
The Wretched Condftion of a Gayky
Inung Man in Hired Garments, :

The Wretched Condition of a Gawky
inung Man in Hired Garments, :
Frosn the indianapolis Joarnah .''r'' :
He was gawky sattdy tand 1ong-necked;
he was bcw-legged and limber-j ointed: in
short, he was man whom nature never
intended for dress parade. and he knew 1t.
Only one person besides his wife ever said
he was handsome, and that was a sppster
who had had some poems accepted by
magazines, and her opinion was hardly
worth the atmosphere used in expressing
it. And yet when our friends lodge was
to have reception, banquet and ball his
wife urged him to wear a dress suit. In
moment of groundiess vanity lie as
sented and rented a full evening dress
outfit. Then his troubles began.
When he tried on the suit at the clothing
store the coat lapels fiared and Trinkled
the shoulders Accordingly, the accom-
modating salesman pinned the lower cor
ners of the coat front to the bottom Of
the vest. The latter garment had an I'M
usually large opening In front, the whole
garment containing just enough goods to
make watch guard. When he got the
whole suit on he felt like anything but a
happy man, but the feeling would wear
off, he told himself. 1t never did. When
he bore the precious bundle homeward he
was prouder than many men who owned
dress suits instead of renting them.
The wife went to hairdrcsser, leaving
the husband to the glories of his dress
suit. After violent and manful strug-
gle he succeeded in getting into the
trousers. He owned no patent feathers
and his calfskn shoes, with a coat of liquid
dressing that refused to shine over ordi-
nary backing, looked as If they had been
dipped in ink. This domestic finish"
added nothing in the way Of comfort. Then
came the shirt.
Just as he had got that freshly laun-
dered garment well adjusted cold perspir-
alton broke out all over the victims per-
son as he noted the narrowness of the
BOSOM A horrid possibility he dared not
even mentally express dawned upon MIN.
But it was the only clean shirt he owned.
Collar and three-for-a-quarter white
bow were the next essentials, and then that
dreadful horse-collar vest! 1t was as he
had expected! The shirt bosom was two
inches too narrow for the vest opening! He
at last decided to pull the vest down. mar
rowing the vent and pin the bottom to the
trousers. ct was nearly time to go, and
the heroic measures We're necessary But
this made the Waistband of the trousers
peer up over the top button of that religion
destroying vest. He shed tears, and would
have fan done likewise with the vest He
put handkerchief there to hide the waist
band. That was better. The coat once on
and duly pinEed at the corners, he called at
the hairdresser's for his wife. He was
brave beneath the shelter of his ulster.
When they arrived at the hall and separ
rated for the cloak rooms, all tho pins came
out of his patched-up rigging. He fastened
in carnatiou to hide part Of his unlaunder-
ed muslin. He also made the cheering dis
covery that in festooning< his handkerchief
over the ambitious waistpand he had made
great exhibition Of the only dirty spot
on that cotton square: More ice water per-
spiration; ard he sank into the nearest
chair. AS he did so, his vest front spread,
showing three inches of shirt and a sus-
peEder buckle on each side of that precious
shirt bosom. He pulled the coat lapels to-
gether and wanted to go. home. But there
sat his wife, with pretty blue chiffon at
r:eck and sleeves of Her 6ne Sunday dress,
her hair nicely arranged huge bunch of
carnations on her breast and peaceful
smile on her face. She looked up, caught
sight of the funny lspk Of suffering on his
face, and laughed. Then he was mad. He
felt that the wife and dress suit were con-
spring to drive him TO DRINK. '-.,..
This, dear reader, t1kestt the man only to
o'clock in the evening. i was 1890 before
his wife wanted to go home. The inter-
vening period is one of agony too deep to be
depicted with pen and ink. The next full
dress affair he attended he wore a pair of
light trousers sack coat, black tie, tan
shoes, sat with his knees crossed and en-
We'd no man. .; -
He had been a man out of his element.
Under such circumstances all men are mis-
cradle.