The Colfax chronicle. [volume] (Colfax, Grant Parish, La.) 1877-1981, 1896-06-20
THE CELIBATE CLUB.
BY W. J. HAMPTON.

Women" remarked Jack Forest
"are the bane of bachelor civilization.
woman is woe personified," re
marked Arcturus Organ, known as the
star bachelor of the combination.
IF l had choice of all things on
EARTH" said John Temple, Il would
choose woman last"
''What in thunder are they here for?
inquired Will King.
ION one she smiles, and he is blest.'
scornfully quoted Frank Park, and
added, land then she smiles on all the
rest"
Fellow sufferers" said I, Thomas
bennington, by superiority of age and
experience chief of the Celibate Coterie,
heartily coinciding with the individual
and aggregate opinions just expressed,
permit me to offer the following reso-
buttons:
where's, Woman, by her continued ac-
tons. shows that she is in favor of the utter
determination Of bachelors; and
Whereas. Woman on all occasions and
at all times expresses her adherence of
bachelors as such: and
whereas. Woman has no use for q man
unless she can lead him around by the nose;
and
Whereas. Woman is constantly on the
lookout for that kind of a man with that
kind Of a nose; and
Whereas. Woman believes that man was
provided with nose simply as handle for
her to take hold OF: and
Whereas, Woman thinks she owns the
earth. and the men thereof; and
Whereas. She was never more mistaken
In her life: therefore be it
Resolved that we whose signatures are
hereto appended do hereby assert our man
hood and hurl defiance in her teeth; and
Resolved. That we entirely ignore the
existence OF all womankind; and
Resolved. That we do solemnly pledge
ourselves to throw of the female yoke
to trample beneath our feet the letters
woman would forge upon US, to assert and
maintain that we are one and indiyisible.
and that henceforth and forever we will
neither marry any woman nor be mar
ried by her."
As might have been expected, these
resolutions were received with yocii-
erous applause, and the meeting of the
Ceiibate club became SO hilarious that
three babies on the floor below AMI
seven on the floor above were aroused
from their angel slumbers, and soon
bad awakened everybody else in the
building. After which we adjourned,
having been implored to do so by COM
mittee of IL married men, who assured
us that when we had children of
our own we could better understand
their feelings in the matter.
At this point, possibly, might ex-
plain that the gentlemen whose names |
have been mentioned were unmarried |
men, whose years numbered from IS |
to 80, who had been compelled by the
by which they had been |
surrounded to take this means of de- !
Tense. They were all good men and |
true, and when their word had been
given there was no power on earth
could break it.
We had formally resolved to be per-
petual bachelors, and that settled the |
business.
And what feeling of exquisite rest
It gave mel For years | bad been fat
tering women and paying court to
them and murmuring sweet nothin-s
to them, and sitting on damp piazzas
In the moonlight with them, and lolling
beneath the shade of summer resort
trees philosophizing on love, and hold
ing girls hands and spending my hard
earned savings to make a maiden's holt
day, and writing inane and vapid poems
70 their drug store complications and
their liquid blue or brown or gray eyes.
rs the case might be, and so on, aid in
bnitum de disgustibusque.
Now and then, am willing to con-
less, l found one who was really quite
irresistible, and became serious. only
70 find, when some other chap came
,round, how utterly irresponsible and
unreliable all women were. | confess.
slso, that such experiences were rather
unpleasant to my general feelings and
pave me seasons Of depression, not to
'ay gloom.
But with the coterie's resolutions
lxed in my mind felt new strength.
nd l began life all over again. and
With such an infinite sense of relief
hat words ARE quite inadequate TO az.
sess my stAts Of mind