Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-05-31
bAB TALKS 0F FOOLS.
The Tribe Analysed From Different
Standpoints.


FOOLS COMPARED TO ASPARAGUS
ON THE CONTINUAL READING
OF MARK TWAIN-THE ATHLE-
TIC SPECIES AND HIS GOLF SUIT
-TRIOLETS AND THEIR VALUE
TO SOCIETY-TEMPERANCE IN
EVERYTHING, EVEN IN TEA
WHERE THE HEART LIES HID
DEN.
(F'rom Our Regular Correspondent
New York, May FL have always
had great admiration for that much
lamented lady who, on her deathbed,
confided to her doctor the secret OF her
popularity. She said, as she looked up
at him with eyes overlooking with kind
ness and love, Il always had patience
with FOOLS l wonder how many kinds
OF fools she had met? They are all
over the face of the earth, but they diff
fer. Did you ever look at a bunch OF
asparagus? One stalk is thick, one is
thin, one is crinkled up one is stubby,
but they all have the same green ends.
That is the way with the fools. AL
though, between you and me, l don't
think there is the same delight in a
bunch of fools that there is in bunch
of asparagus. And yet, if you look at q
fool from the standpoint OF folly alone,
there is certain amount OF pleasure In
him. But II he happens 10 be mixed up
in business transaction, in a family
affair, or in something that is going to
hurt somebody's heart, then beware Of
the fool!
A fool that too often appears in socl-
ETY. is the jocular fool He tells stories
over which the grass grew hundreds OF
years ago. He tells stories OF which he
forgets the point And. most devilish
OF all, there are times when even fool
seems to have. an ability peculiar to the
devil, he askes conundrums. With
| glggle, he expects you 70 trouble your
self about them. For the ocular fool,
the best hereafter would seem to be
continual reading of the jokes OF Joe.
Miller and the works OF Mark Twain.
| Can there be anything more dreadful?
To have to read Mark Twain at all is
| diabolcal, but to read him forever and
forever would be worse than any hell
that Dante ever pictured. Next to the
joking fool, comes
THE GUSHING FOOL.
This type may be either masculine or
feminine. II ii is feminine, and you are
woman, it kisses you, addresses you
as Darling or Sweetheart, and calls on
whoever may be about to admire your
| virtues. II you happen to be mascu-
| line. this fool says, Isn't he great
man? Did you ever hear anything so
clever in all your life, and isn't he the
! handsomest man you ever saw" An
eternal kick awaits this fool.
! Next n order comes the athletic fool.
He or she spends the greater part OF the
money possessed in getting golf suits.
tennis suits, or bicycle suits. That you
shouldn't play golf or tennis or ride the
bike is a surprise TO the athletic fool.
That you should care, on a sunshiny
day, for a pleasant corney OF the piazza,
and an interesting book, is something
not understood by the athletic fool. who
expects you to come out In the sun and
work at the chosen enjoyment (?) I'M
/ I'll your hair is out OF crimp, until the
perspiration is streaming down your
face, and until you are blowZy and look
| like anything but gentlewoman. Don't
misunderstood me; approve Of out
door sports. but just as | approve or
| indoor ones. in moderation. | am
temperate woman, not prohibitionist,
but when | hear the athletic fool talk
! of his golf stick, his tennis racquet, or
his bike all day long, am sure that his
hereafter will be one OF quiet medita-
ton. He or IL his sex Is she, will have
to learn the delight OF sitting still. BY
the bye this is essentially becoming 10
women. and wonder that more OF them
haven't found out how attractive per-
feet stiffness is.
THE FOOL ON A BIKE
is fool much more difficult to bear than
any other kind. He gets a wild look
in his face, and he gets to think that no
people except those on bicycles are
worth consideration. II he happens 10
be a she, and some other she says 70
her. ooh, | saw such a pretty gown,
the bicycle fool says, do you wear
boomers or knickers under it?" She
has forgotten all gowns except those
that are TO be worn astrlde the wheel,
and. too often. she forgets all virtues
that may be cultivated except those gov
erned by the laws Of the road and her
special cycle club.
Among the fools. one OF the most
offensive is the ladylike one. His clothes
are Immaculate, his voice, even in
speaking, Is tenor and he does lovely
drawn work. speaks Of his mother as
Mamma" and likes the dear girls, oh!
ever so much better than the nasty
men" | don't believe there is any
hereafter for him. Honestly, ] don't,
because don't think he has a soul. One
of his class met a woman | know, and
when she saw that he was In deep
mourning. she expressed her sympathy
for any trouble he might have had.
This was his response: yes, my dear
mamma Is dead but, after all. am not
so unhappy as you would think, be-
cause have the most lovely pajamas in
white silk with black silk collars and
cuffs, and / wear pearl links and pearl
buttons with them" Ana the lady who
had condoled with him wondered II
woman had brought this thing into the
world, or whether il had grown up. like
some other mean little weed, under
toadstool.
TURNING THE TABLES.
Then. there is the masculine fool. II
Is a she. Nature created it woman
Folly is making 1t initiate man. with
the result that a hybrid is reached
hitting skirts shirt collars and