The Monitor-register., 1896-10-09


Scribbler-What did Poetas get for his
''Ode to Fall?" "Fractured skull, con.
fusion of the neck, dislocated rib and a
slight abrasion of the left ear."-Iruth.
~
"They say it is unwise to let people
know it if you are poor"
Eyes and more unwise to let it get out
that you are rich. = Chicago Record.
~
Miss Heiress Observation-Disclosures
much do you love me, dearest?"
MIR. Fortune Hunter-'T love you, my
darling, for all you are worth. "-1Ed Bits.
~
MI. Meeker-"My dearP"
Mrs. Meeker-"Well, what do you
want? Out with it."
Mr.. Meeker-"H'm! My dear, how
how are we going to vote this year?'-
Chicago Tribune.
~
II don't think 1 am really any cheaper
than l used to be-" argued the horse. 81
am worth just as much as l ever was.
The bicycle has appreciated. That's ALL"
Chicago Tribune
"Did old Grumpey make much of a
kick when you asked him for his daugh-
ter?"
ibid he make much of a kick? The
doctor says l am threatened with curva-
ture of the spine."-Detroit Free Press.
~
81 see that Bugghause is up for election
again. By the way, how did he fill the
last Office he heidi"
"About all 1 remember is that he filled
it with his relatives" = Indianapolis
Journal.
Rollingstone Nomoss-"Ssy, yer don't
mean ter say yer'd give gold de go by, an
vote for silver"
Ragson Tatters-"Sure; me mornin'
paper seq dat McKinley's lection means
more work."-ES.
x*x
"And why" the teacher continued,
''should WI hold the aged in respect?'
"'Cause it's mostly the old men that has
all the money" Tommy answered, anG
the teacher wasn't able to offer any better
reason-ISd Bits,
~
"Does he offer any proof of his sffec-
| tion?"
"Proof!' exclaimed the beautiful girl
"why he says that 1 have set his heal
afire, and it is burning so that it has Ii
the cigars in his vest pocket"
"But the proof"
she showed me the half. burned cigars.
chicago Post.
~
81 think" she said, earnestly, 'that
woman who truly loves a man always ha
his best interests at heart"
"Perhaps," he answered, "but-"
what were you going to say?"
"If that's the case, what makes he
marry him?"-Judge.
~
Dudane-Spiffn isn't afraid to shoy
his colors?
Gaswell-I'd like to know what hi
colors are.
Dukane-Several shades of red, and h
displays them on his nose.-Ptttsbur
Chronicle Telegraph.
~
81" said the long haired man, 81 an
against money in politics. Against i
heart and soul. How is it with you, m,
friend p"
II amt got against hone yet" sal
the short-haired man with the stubb
whiskers, Though the Lord knows Their
amt a wilmer soul on earth. ~ Gincin
matt Enquirer.
x*
Rastus-'1 heah tell dat yo' new tenn
perance s'iety done got a motto, DE lip
dat fetch win ken nebber tetch mine.
Whuffor good dat gwine do? Dos com
mon niggahs doan' see zine once a yeah
Miss Lindy-"Dat amt all. We don't
got anodder verse-'De lips dat fetch gin
we won't go agin.' How dat strike you
huh s"-Lndianapolis Journal.
**x
This is the way the railroad man hearc
it:
AT what time shortly before noon is
it 8 O'Clock At a quarter of 10, because
a quarter of 10 is g."
And this the way he worked it off on
his friends:
"At what time shortly before noon is it
8 o'clockP At 11.45, because II. As is 8
1t doesn't sound right, either, blame it,
but that's the way l heard it. "-Chicago
Daily Tribune.
%*
"What is..conscience?" asked the young
est of the grocery loafers.
Conscience" said the Cummingsville
sage, sis that which makes a man get his
drinks at a drug store instead of a
saloon."- Cincinnati Enquirer.
II guess l had better give these biscuits
to the first tramp that comes along" said
Mrs. Hunnimune, with pathetic candor
"No," exclaimed her husband, nervous
ly, ''don't do that. He might throw them
at the dog"'-W Washington Star.
~
"And how is your papa, Eddie?"
"Papa is feeling ever so much better
to. day"
81 suppose it's the change iD the
weather."
"No, ma'am, faint the weather.
Mamma has decided to start for the sea
shore to morrow" CLeoelond fE@m
Dealer.
*x
Dificulties-"One of the hardest tnlngs
in making a Speech" said the olo cam.
paigner, sis to say just what you mean"
eyes" was the reply; ''that's pretty
hard. But once in a while it's a good
deal harder to mean Just whaty you say"
-WasAsngton Star.
The Darlington, Wis journal says
editorially of a popular patient medicine:
sWe know from experience that Cham
harlain's Collie, Cholera and DiarIh@a
Da-adv ia all that ia claimed for it, as Oh