The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1896-08-26

onOOh n JULIAN OUI Ot HIS CLOTHES.
side whiskers and shook dollar out of
his clothes to get drunk on When we
asked Mr.. Hope why he didn't shoot,
he sat down and cried like a girl. He
may possibly bring out two more issues
of his paper, but his going is only
question of days, and when he goes it
will be on foot and with his hair ON
end. The great west is good newspa-
per field, but lambs and angels who
come out here to run paper make a
great mistake.
No Railroad Wanted.
By invitation of the mayor, aldermen
and most of the eminent citizens of
Clay Hill, we went over to that town
Thursday evening to deliver railroad
speech. Clay Hill wants a railroad as
bad as jack rabbit wants hind legs,
and we had it all figured out to a cent
as to the benefits she would receive.
We have made a good many good
speeches, but that was to be the speech
of our life. We were introduced by the
mayor in few glowing remarks which
tickled our vanity, and we never felt
more like Swimming the cream off the
milk Of oratory than when we pulled
down our vests and stepped forward
with Fellow citizens. 4"
We haven't been able to find out
what allied the audience of 200 men,
but we hadn't spoken ten words when
it became evident that something was
wrong. The first missile struck us ON
the lower vest button, and the second
in the neck. After that they became so
thick that we didn't keep track of where
they landed. Three minutes from the
time we made our bow we were out of
the back door and on our cayuse, and
we didn't tarry to guess any conun-
drums That's where we differ from
most orators We know when to cut off
short and go home. The mayor has for
warded his apologies but he need not
have troubled himself. The Clay Killers
don't want a railroad and don't want
us, and that's all there is TO it. and they
can go hang Themselves
Good Deal of Smoke.
In attempting to shoot the end off a
cigar between the teeth of Sam Clay at
the postoffice last Wednesday afternoon
old Jim Hewson made slight error in
his calculations and carried away the
tip of Jim's nose. 1t is nose wrinkled
with age and redeemed with whisky
old Jim was foolish enough to get mad
about it and open fire. As soon as the
fun began Major Hope, Colonel White,
Tom Jackson and several others joined
in, and for five minutes there was con-
slant pop, pop, pop of revolvers When
the smoke cleared away, Bob Shingles
yaller dog lay dead in the road-the
only thing touched by the dozens of
bullets fired. Things have indeed come
TO pretty pass in this town, and our
individual advice to every man OF that
crowd is to go hang himself. Another
such fiasco as that and real estate won t
sell for dollar an acre.
Not as q Jim Dandy.
A young man in Rhode Island writes
as that he is going to take in the great |
west this summer and that this town |
is on his list, providing we think 1t safe |
for him to show up here in a plug hat, !
red necktie and russell shoes. Ii that |
is the rig he intends to don when he |
visits us, he'd better not come. This IS
a growing town-a healthy town-a |
town which is bound to boom and be- |
come a second Chicago, but 1t is no
Mace for Jim Dandies-not yet. Fifty |
years hence a man can put on link cuff !
buttons and yalIer KID gloves ana stalk |
ND and down and swing a goldheaded |
cane, but such thing now-well! Pass |
our town by, young man. Don come |
within 90 miles of 1t!
1t Didn't Work.
Last Tuesday party arrived IN town !
and set up a side show in which the /
Kentucky fat boy was the principal |
attraction, although three legged kan |
CARGO was supposed to hold him close |
second 1t was soon discovered that the |
kangaroo was a stuffed japanese dog,
and that that fat boy, who was advec-
tised to weigh $50 pounds, was padded |
out with hay or some other substance
Some of the audience wanted to feel of |
him to make sure that all was above
board, but this the Snowman would not
permit. Soon after his refusal the bail
opened
Soon after the ball opened the air was