The morning times. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1895-1897, 1896-08-03
scErE$lM THE CITY.

His hair was unkempt and his face I'M
washed. The thin HIPS were tightly dra WI
over the even but tobacco stained teeth.
! He had just removed bis pipe from his
month viii lie giving his seatmate on the
| street car a niatoil. and. after knocking
the ashes from his pipe, began:
did it ever occur to you how many
matches man uses In his lifetime?"
The gentleman answered that he had
never been led to think of the matter.
well, it will astonish you. Now, I
smoke on an~average of seven pipes a
day and eight on Sunday, which makes
fifty a week. Between those that use nj
those 1 give away, require two matches
for each pipe. which makes one hundred
lighters week, or firty-two hundred a
year,
The gentleman to whom he was talking
here got OFT the car. and the statistician
transferred his attention to the reporter.
Yes. sir, fifty-two hundred year:
and il my smoking extends over the period
OF forty years, 1 will have used two
hundred and eight thousand blue-heads
and par lOrs"
Quite number" said the reporter
ut is that, sir. Each match being two
inches long, the ent ire quantity II
stretched out end to end, wou Id make line
nearly thirty-rive thousand feet. or six
and three quarter mi les.''
''Surprising!'
"But when we ca 1c,late how much
wood is in these matches our woDdermcnt
increases. The ordinary article Is two
inches long and onetenth OF an inch
broad and deep. SO that there is onef fiji
teenth OF a cubic inch OF wood In 1t.
Mu Implying the number OF matches by
this. we find that it wou Id be two and u
liza II cubic feet Of wood, or one fiftieth
OF cord OF wood. II this represents the
average consumption, and we multiply 1t
by the popu Iation, as sho wn by the census
| figures
Here the reporter reached his destina-
ton and the man with "a taste for figures
told the rest OF his story to q policeman.
II was an old game but 1t was worked
successfully.
The reporter stood in q Pennsylvania
avenue drug store, when in rushed an eX-
cited individual, whose appearance would
| have justified the police in arresting him
as a suspicious character.
Got any Tarpauiin tonic" he shouted
| 10 the proprietor.
mo, but here's something OF my own
preparation which,
But the seedy-iooking man had dashed
out and was making for the next drug
| store.
| III few minutes another man whom the
reporter had seen carrying sandwich
placard for a local clothing firm the day
before arrived.
Gimme a bottle of Tarpaulin tonic"
II am sorry, but 1 am just ont OF it.
There's one or my"
Il want Tarpaulin." And he hurried off
Later in the day the reporter passed the
drug store and saw posted In every avail
| able space cards announcing that the Famous
| panacea, "Tarpaulin tonic was for sale
inside.
The shrewd drug drummer who had sent
| the men to create a demand for his wares
| had dropped in after a while and found
| a ready sale.
Business is not what it used to was
unused the professional fisherman one day
last week.
I'VE would ihave starved long ago III il
were not for them Icity dudes
In answer to an inquiry as TO how the
| city dudes kept the Potomac fishermen from
| starving, be said:
| We'll, it is this way. Them fellers
| come down 10 fish with their pretty little
| needle rods and gay silk lines. The y
can't catch nothing 'cept cold. They
can't go home empty handed so they comes
| to us. We sell 'em ali we have, and even
buy a few in market for 'ein when We are
short. Last spring caught fine mes
Of fish after two days hard work and
| sold the entire lot, to crowd or dudes
CdIDt up W hidht u hci doout boHt
with some men in the city week later,
and what should see in an Avenue pho
| togravers window but a picter OF then
fellows and MT fisti. with the words below
'em: An hours sport.
Yes, sir. Them city dudes keeps US
from starving"
1t occurred at the corner OF Thirteenth
street and Penns ylyania avenue The
mail collector has jus disappeared in the
darkness carrying with him the letters
| from the box ON the corner The light on
| his wheel was still discernible, when a
young F street lawyer, batless, coatless
and breathless. arrived.
Il want to get letter out Of here. " he
| cried Selling the stout lock convulsiveiy.
what's the matter" asked an ac-
auaintance, who came out OF the drug
store.
"Oh, 1 have proposed to a girl in a
letter which put in this box, and unless
l get 1t l am ruined
Found out you couidn t afford to marry
eh?''
| No; it's not that"
Felt like you had better stay single?"
mo: l want to get married"
WELL why IN the devil do you want the
| letter."
Mercy on me, l directed it to the
| wrong girl and just remembered what
mad done a minute ago
Il am sorry for you, old fellow. but
the letter is now on its way to the post
Office
The last seen of the lawyer was his coat
l tails as he shot around the corner on a bee
| line for G and Seventh streets.
He must have been successful in getting
| back the missive or the girl refused him,
| as he was all smiles two evenings after
| the occurrence.
There were two gentlemen in Wizards
| lobby the other evening. One was a reader
l of The Times, the other. was not, but
| will be In the future.
How do you spell tranquility" said the
lSWell-informed man
ASK me something easy. Why tram
| o. u-il-tty, of course" o.. ...s... ...-.
"I'I bet that you are wrong"
II don't want Your money, old man, but
| / saw that word on the new one dollar
| silver certificate this morning, and 1
know that it was spelled that way
Here's $40 that you are wrong
'.Since you insist III take 1t. But
Webster will decide the question:
Eyes; Webster, Worcester, standard
| Century, or any other lexicon
| The moneywaS put up andthe dictionaries
1 consulted, and without exception they
spelled the word with two Is
After pocketing the SO The Times
| reader brought out copy OF his favorite
newspaper containing an article on the
/ misspelled word on the bill and showed
his friend where to find all the news all
\ the time.
1 A-a