Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1896-04-08
SWEET HOME.

Liz uOt aug uS0 SuAllShu pOdo AAOANOAy
down upon the struggling cluster Of
dingy frame buildings that reared their
shabby, pretentious, false fronts in the
midst of the parched, quivering prairie.
Save for the knot Of saddle ponies
standing with detected heads before the
door of the single saloon, no sign Of
life existed. Tho few buildings scat
tered along the main street looked un-
utterably shabby and cheap under that
hot. scorching glare
Things had not been going we'll at
Sweet Home lately. In fact, the boom
that had originated and sustained its
existence showed unmistakable signs Of
collapse. The most strenuous efforts Of
it's founder, the most lavish distribu-
tions of lurid literature, failed to attract
prospective buyers. Seven Of the eight
columns of The Weekly Ozone had for
weeks been devoted to the unparalleled
prospects of those owning town lots
and the desolate hopelessn ess Of those
who did not A couple Of stray tramps,
kicked off passing freight train, were
Immediately heralded as astute capital
lists, eager to grasp at this wealth Of
opportunity; passing cyclone that
overturned third of the town was en-
larged upon as evidence of the unlimit- |
ed quantities Of pure air.
But it wouldn't go, and William
Sweet, Esq, better known as ''Windy
Bill,'' was forced to admit, as he sat in
his grimy Office splitting tobacco juice
through the gaping seams in the warped
hemlock flooring, that he was near to
the end of his rope. All the tried and
true lodges of professional town boom
ers had been used without effect; the
obstinate public absolutely refused to
invest their money in his town lots.
He glanced at the map of the city
hanging on the wall. Ut hadn't been
paid for, but "Windy Bill" never paid
for anything.) The beautifully ruled
spaces marked "city hall, Botanical
Gardens - "Public Fountains" etc.,
were as yet as nature had fashioned
them. The city hall was thriving
prairie dog town, the Botanical gardens
contained choice collection of tumble
weeds, Russian thistle and wild mus
tard, while the site of the public foun-
tains was buried under miscellaneous
collection of defunct animals. The little
tickets that marked the property sold
were SO hopelessly few and scattered as
to be almost indiscernible.
Mr.. Sweet had been in tight places
before in fact, considerable portion of
his past had been spent dodging those
inquisitive individuals called deputy
sheriffs. Now, however, when his credit
at the Blue Goose was attacked, the
situation was, indeed, desperate. A man !
might rub along without meat, but with
out drink, never.
Suddenly an idea developed in his
racked brain. Grasping a pen and blow
ing cloud of alkali dust from solid
sheet of paper, he traced with grimy,
perspiring hands the following lines: I
The proprietor of delightful resort in a
state that affords peculiar advantages to those
seeking relief from connubial bonds offers spe- |
cial terms to Divorces. Pure air and water !
Good society. Address
WILLIAM SWEET, ESQ,
Mayor and Counselor at Law, Sweet Home.
S..
"That'll fetch 'em or I'm sucker"
he chuckled, as he eyed the sheet ap-
provingly and proceeded to make num- |
ber of copies, which, after folding, he
addressed to a number of prominent |
eastern newspapers. Then, with grin |
of satisfaction, he drifted over to the |
Blue Goose.
The arrival Of two letters ten days |!
later marked a nibbler at the bait. The |
first was large, square envelope, deeply |
bordered with black. 1t inclosed, writ
ten in a fine hand, the following lines:
New YORK CITY, Aug. 21, 1S9-.
DEAR SIR AND BRoTHER-My weary eyes |
were attracted to your advertisement in The |
Daily -. Verify, it were like the balm Of |
Gilead to my broken spirit-yea, as the wa |
ters Of Sloan unto the weary traveller. Com |
passed about with worldly discussions and |
strife, largely stimulated and encouraged by |
the woman took to my bosom, who not only |
possesses a vixenish temper, but also COM |
mends the ungodly behavior of the sons of Be- |
lial, it behooveS one to seek the mental and |
spiritual relief your worthy laws afford dis |
tressed souls. trust to be with you in body |
as in spirit within fortnight. Your dis |
tressed friend,
REV. MELCHIsEDEC BELLwETHER.
"Well, Of all the sharps ever seed,
this yere galoot lays 'em all out, snort
ed Mr.. Sweet, as he folded the letter. |
Lays it to the woman, O. course. They |
all do. I reckon them sons O. Belial's is |
pretty gay boys. Some O. these town
fellows is dead game e.
He opened the next letter-a dainty,
perfumed affair. Written at impossible |
angles in bewilderingly angular style |
was the following:
BROOKLYN, Aug. 21, 1s9-.
MY DEAR Mr.. SWEET saw your nice ad- |
vertisement in The Daily =. and my heart |
was instantly drawn toward your delightful |
city. l have been perfectly wild to see the |
lovely prairies and the magnificent sunsets of |
your beautiful country My dearest friends |
have often been shocked at my adventurous |
spirit and are Mortified when I suggest the |
bare possibility.
BY the way, have secret. My husband is !
perfect villain Volumes could be filed with |
his peridy and brutality 1 am of a meek. for |
giving nature and have long withstood the loads |
of tyranny and abuse he has heaped upon me. |
But the worm has turned. am determined |
to secure my freedom from the wretch who |
not only abuses me, but several Of my gentle |
man friends, whenever the opportunity occurs. |
You may look for me in about two weeks. |
am sure l shall be delighted with nv sur |
roundings, including yourself. l can imagine |
how you look-tall, dark eyed, with flowing |
shirt collar and wide sombrero, just like one |
of Mr.. Remington 8 cowboys. Faithfully yours,
EVELYN FAIRFAX DE SMYTHE
p. S.-For obvious reasons have not given |
my married name, which is Boggs.
=. 81 shall bring six trunks and maid.
T. 2. ST. shall want q nice lawyer. |
The Hon. Mr.. Sweet looked at the
ceiling in bewildered way
well, I'll be teetotally chawed up
an spit out, - he calculated. Beautiful
surroundings. Dark eyes an flowin shirt |
collar. Bust mer'
He glanced at his reflection in the
dusty little mirror that was tilted |
against the wall. From the scanty |
growth OF ginger colored hair on the
top OF his head to the gaping toes of his
condemned government shoes he was a
perfect specimen Of frayed out, washed
out humanity. The only break in his
hopeless, colorless shabbiness was in the |
vivid hue that adorned his ample nose.