Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1896-06-28
HE RIDES In A HACK.
The "Idler" Finds II Cheaper Than
LOCOmCtiOn by Bicycle.
wy rs EATING DIRT NOW.
SAsscs-Rivcr water Has Made Hin
Mcighty md Nciiow-Our Country
cousfn, BEGINNING 10 Comc-Those
.Oid Veterans"

.oid Veterans"
The bicycle appears 10 have superseded
the horse as a means OF locomouon, ana
think the public have done the horse
en- injustice. have pawned my wheel
and now ride TO and from the ONCE IN
hack. il Is cheaper, and less energy Is
thereby expended. / gave the PIKE
fair trial. ana then, IN justice TO myseH
and family, decided TO resort TO carriages
Otherwise. 1 would have been a BANK
rupt. To begin WITH the wheel cost $1oJ'
and then there was the air-pump TO puy'
and the monkoy-wrcnch, and all the olhei
monkey business that accompanies the
outfit. Next, there came crying heeu
for n gong. and a bowling necessity LOT
q lantern. These added Sc 10 my haplh-
ties. Decency required the purchase OF
a cycling suit Of The checker-ooard pay
tern. and indecency required the hioihs
OF my massive limbs IN golf-stochHsS'
which. when doubled over, give one
calf equal TO any produced by the liol-
stein FreisIand cattle. Then the SHOES
had TO be bought. and the hoadsear pur-
chased. This layout subjected me 10
judgment for $50 ia the Police court
Joving friends urged the buying OF q cy-
clometcr TO record my rarid-transit iea'a'
md then my confidential ADVISERS Do-
sought me 20 get sprinH'saon.e' Len ,
more chunks OF the white metal thus as
onneared: but experienced persons toia
me that / had reached that period or the
,cvcrst's life when ] could venture Gown
town.
beautiful. indeed. was the trip for the
first few squares. for IL was all uo"A-
hill. and the public appeared 10 nave
cleaned up the streets just Tor my APP
rearance. But. by and by, j got 70 the up
hin part OF the city, and then my Wheei
assumed n slow thoughtful gait, ana
proceeded to move in meditatiYe man
ner that wrung the perspirauon from
me. and made me think of service IN
tread-mni ] was astonished 20 reallze
what a mountainous country we had IN
Virginia ] noticed that the thorough
fares were dotted with wheclmen who had
dIsnounted one said he stopped 10 IN
fate his tires. Another had gotten
puncture The third was Tightening MS
chains The fourth found his saddle 700
loose. and the fifth was dissatisfied with
his handle-bars. Just about this time
a superb carriage, driven by liveried
servant, and drawn by magnificent steeds,
paesed us, and / heard murmurs OF,
"There he goes; he's worth forty mil
lonsw and like expressions. Naturally
/ incurred about the occupant Of the car
Yiaee. and they said; ooh. he's the BIZ
cycle-repairer who commenced business
month before last. His whole fortune
has been acquired I'm seventy eight days.
/ marvelled greatly. but I ow ! marvel
no longer. But. 20 return 70 the wheel,
which had rapidly begun 10 lose WIND.
The farther we went the more rocky the
Hra f.NH ffarr "a
the tourney made me graycly apprehen-
sive as TO the welfare Of my new teeth.
IT was natural that l should dismount.
and. as a saving Of time and energy. j
decided 20 push the machine along. When
] reached the Office those interested I'm my
happiness urged mo to have the vince!
cleaned. and this. / learned, would only
involve me TO the extent of % cents a
week. II was then that I decided 20 think
the matter over ana 10 iternizc my
account. 1 did this. Each trip / made
had cost me SC. No one offered to pay
me for the hard work / had done.
decided that hacks were cheaper Now
my hired carriage comes for me every
day. and rejoice in my economy.
The coming reunion, besides the deli
cious memories OF the late war which II
will revive, has yet another feature call
culated 10 excite us. 1t is on this occa-
sion that our country cousins, in all me
verdure OF their rustic simplicity VIII
plant themselves IN the bosoms OF our
families, there to reside for weeks to
come il takes a very small provoca-
fion-something infinitely more insignia
cant that O reunion-tO bring this ava
lanche Of rurality upon us. have known
these innocent scratchers Of the soil 10
"coms down like n wolf on the fold'
when there was no known incentive. save
poultry-shOw. II is with horror that
we hear the thump of their satchels on
our threshold, and subsequently receive
the bag Of onions they offer rs the Valu-
able consideration for six weeks board.
They have the drop on us this summer.
Usually at tho present season, we are
about TO send our children to them. 50
that the youngsters may rcvel In green
apples and wood-tcks; but this year the
advantage IS on their side The fact
That the reunion will end I'm few days
BY no means implies that the stolii re-
cipients Of our graceless hospitality Will
then depart. They viii listlessly lnGcr
unconscious Of the fight OF time. and
nothing will disturb them IN their urban
retrcats. They never get surprised, ana
no wonders viii excite them. Tire rot-
geous pageantry wiz pass before tt'f
ewes without maxine ripple; they 81 .II
gaze speeches on The decorations; ii.
roar Of canuOnry win not cause Oh Or
eyes 20 wink-in short they will show no
signs Of emotion or pleasure. But they
will stay-stay tll desperation makes us
frantic, and We would fain commit muir
der.
My name IS mud. When l say this
DO not speak fleuratively but I'm the lite
raj sense Of the word i have been
drinking James-river water as produced
by the Richmond Reservoir, and hence
my present state. Internally, i am COM
posed Of some OF the finest agricultural
lands in the State, and were / TO swal-
Cow a pillow / would be on the outside
one OF the most magnificent truck-farms
sn the country. My weight in the last
Your weeks has Increased a hundred
fold. and It IS stin Increasing. Every
libation adds to the real estate now I'm
my possession. Wen do / appreciate
those poetic allusl0ns 10 the sacred soil
OF Virginia" Nothing lies closer TO me
Aust now. We have stopped using glasses
and tumblers at home. Water Is served
in saucors, with "a brichlayer's trowel
Frequently, while waiting for the ser
wants 10 help me TO some favorite dish,
! absont-mindediy amuse myself BY
scratching my initials in the water with
a fork. The children are having lots OF
fun with the alleged fluid. They are
building houses and castles with IL, and
are developing talent rs sculptors On
wash-days the lgundress simply buries
our garments I'm the rich alluvium, and
they reappear with a stifening no starch
could produce. Ny daughters have com
plexions like tan shoes. while / look like
blonde Chinee. The Richmond public
during the late war were noted for their
pluck and sand Surely. when the vete-
rams come here TO the reunion they viii