Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1896-12-20
A CROAKER'S" VIEW
WHAT A DIsAGREEADLE MAN SAYS
ABOUT THE YULETIDE.
INDIGESTION REIGNS SUPREME.
Everybody Expects n Donation
Suitable Things for Small Boys
The Pcnitcntiary Mcnu-tdvice to
GfrIs About Stockings.

phe man who hasn't got tho time TO
get a haircut. or who wears tan shoes
TO save the labor OF polishing his boots.
is more or less 10 be excused; but not
so with the villain who writes the word
Christmas as Xmas" That's short
cut that allows no condonation. 1t shows
n degree OF cussed laziness only equalled
by the feats OF the late John Hole. who
adopted the brlefest signature on record
When he wrote his name he simply jot-
ted down a "J' and punched hole
through the paper. Christmas means
too much 10 admit OF such abbreviation.
II is the season OF appetite. the heaven
OF epicureanism. and the millennium o.
Indigestion II e then that We arc filled
with charity and overlook our own faults.
II is then. too. that we forgive our
ncighbors by accepting their invitations
TO dine; or, better still, by accepting
the eggnog they send over. so. let not
the word be spelled with an 'X."
Write II out at length. Just as you do
your own name when you are signing
check. II comes only once year (par-
don the originality OF the suggestion.
and YOU are allowed the ensuing twelve
months to pay the bills thereby incurred.
n you don't feel equal TO this much re-
spect for the season, get your life insured
ana die.
Not many years ago Richmond
preacher delivered a sermon on Christ
mas. and dwelt upon the perfdy OF pa
rents who taught the doctrine of Santa
Claus to their youngsters. He said such
folks were liars. and that they were
disseminating the vice of heathenism
among the children. When I heard this
outburst of excessive piety I thought of
the many little socks that would adorn
my mantcls. and a wave OF virtuous in
dignaton surged up in the vacuum so
soon TO be impregnated with my Yuletide
turkey. Why allow so good a man as
that preacher to live upon this earth?
Why not dsinfect the world with chic
ride Of lime i'm order that he might walk
upon purer sphere2 Turn the hose,
my good mothers and fathers upon your
selves. and wash away the skin Of such
deception-or. lsttcr still. pity that
preacher. lie had no children Of his own.
which was rather fortunate for the brats
who escaped being his progeny. Suppose
we had followed his advice. Domestic
pandemonium would have resulted. Santa
Claus-whiskered old chestnut as he is
is pre-eminently the ruse above all
others by which we have for generations
past subdued our infantlle friends. For
six months before his blessed advent
we hold him up as the recording angel
who debts children with their misdeeds
or credits them with the rare instances
OF their good behaviour He IS a pre-
riauS conservator Of the peace-our
household policeman. in fact-and fulfls
functions for which he could have no
substitute.
Christmas was never intended Cor grown
folk, anyhow, except to make them pay
the bills and feel their increasing wears
as each sacred anniversary rolls around.
II is distinctively the chlldren's day. and
we should try to make It ever memorable
In their minds. 4 man like the late
Brigham Young. who had twenty wives
and some two hundred and forty stock
ings TO fill. ought to be able to find am
pie amusement in following this iniunc-
ton We should select for our Offspring
just such donations as they most wish
things. for instance. with which they
can do the most damage. A Colts re-
volver, n shotgun, a bowie-knife. or n
i~~SA "A' HA4s ~ A+i'ii way IutSI ueSlIH-
BILE articles for the purposes named. The
toy cannon, too. has proved itself an eff
hcaciOus opulatiOn-reducer Ii fills the
souls Of young Americans with enthusi-
astic sympathles for the Cuban bellige-
rents and also fills the vacant places in
our cemeteries. Many small bows. in
their communications TO Santa Claus.
urge him TO bless them with those aro-
matte animals known as "Billy goats q"
II requires much paternal affection and
a very bad cold TO give sanction to such
a gift by Santa Claus-difficulties which
render the donation Of a "Caper Gull
liamus" especially precious to our urchin.
In order 10 indulge the children I'm whimq
like the above ii is well. after each
Christmas. to encourage youngsters to
inaugurate the savings-bank act, where
by their pennies are boarded for the
next holiday. Then. at an appropriate
time. these banks may be iudiciously
robbed 0he cook being discharged for
the alleged burglary. and presents sup
piled at greatly reduced rates. The late
Bill Nye-a writer whose pathos has
never been equaled-asserts it is an
historical fact that when George Wash
ington feled the cherry-tree his father
lin recognition Of that filal honesty so
often questioneD confscated the con-
tents of the future Presidents savings
bank