The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1896-08-20
OUR WIFE, y

CThe following story, written by the
late Bill Nye in his earlier days, is taxi
en- from a collection Of his sketches just
published by F. Tennyson Neely. 1t
presents a curious mixture of Nye's pc
ouliar humor and the pathos that did
not often enter into his writings, but
which touched the heart none the less
because of its burlesque accompani-
ment)
The story opens in 1877, when, on an
April morning, the yellowh haired
devil" arrived at the office of the Jack
Creek Pizenweed, at o'clock and
found the editor In. 1t was so unusual
to find the editor in at that hour that
the boy whistled In a low contralto
voice, and passed on into the news
ROOM" leaving the gentlemanly, genial
and urbane editor OF the Pizenweed as
Ie had found him, sitting in his foun-
dered chair, with h's head immersed
in pile of exchanges on the table and
his venerable Smith e. Wesson near by,
acting as a paperweight. The gentle
manly, genial and urbane editor of the
Pizenweed presented the appearance of
a man engaged in sleeping off a long
and aggravated case of drunk. His hat
was on the back of his head, and his
features were entirely obscured by the
loose papers in which they nestled.
Later on. Elijah p. Beckwith, the
foreman. came in, and found the fol-
lowing copy on the hook, marked
''Leaded EDITORIAL" and divided 1t up
into takes" for the yellow-haired devil
and himself:
I'm another column of this issue viii
be found among the legal notices, the
first publication of summons in an
action for divorce, in which our wife is
plaintiff and we are made defendant.
While generally deprecating the prac-
tice of bringing private matters into
public through the medium of the
press we feel justified in this instance.
tnasmuch as the summons sets forth.
as a cause of action, that we are, and
have been. for the space OF ten years,
confirmed drunkard without hope of re-
covery, and totally unwilling to provide
for and maintain our said wife.
THAT we have been given to drink
we do not, at this time, undertake to
deny or in any way controvert. but that
we cannot quit at any time we do most
earnestly contend.
I'm 1867 on the 4th day Of July, we
married our wife. 1t was joyful day.
and earth had never looked to US so
fair or so desirable O." summer resort
oo ~ uIu lHdL udy. ne IOWtIs
ed. the air was fresh and exhilarating.
the little birds and the hens poured
forth their respective lays. 1t was a
day long to be remembered, and it
seemed as though we had never seen
nature get up and hump herself to be
so attractive as she did on this special
morning-the morning of all mornings
the morning On which we married our
wife.
Little did we then dream that after
Ten years of varying fortune we would
to-day give utterance to this editorial,
or that the steam power-press of the
Pizenweed would squat this legal no
tice for divorce, a vinculo ct thoro, into
the virgin page Of our paper. But such
Is the case. Our wife has abandoned
us to our fate, and has seen fit to pub
lish the notice In what we believe to
be the spiciest paper published west Of
the Missouri River. 1t was not neces-
sary that the notice should be publish
ed. We were ready at any time to ad-
NIT service, provided that plaintiff
would serve 1t while we were sober
We cannot agree to remain sober after
10 o'clock a m. in order to give people
chance to serve notices on U.S. But
in this case plaintiff knew the value of
advertising, and she selected a paper
that goes to the better classes all over
the Union. When our wife does any
thing she does 1t right
For ten years our wife and we have
trudged along together. 1t has been a
record of errors and failures on our
part; record Of heroic devotion and
forbearance on the part of our wife.
1t Is over now, and with nothing to
remember that is not soaked full of
bitterness and wrapped up in a red
flannel remorse, we go forth to-day and
herald our shame by publishing to the
world the fact, that as husband, we are
depressing failure, while as a red
eyed and a rum-soaked ruin and all
round drunkard, we are a tropical trl-
umph We print this without egotism,
and we point to 1t absolutely without
vain glory
"Ah, why We're we made the custo-
dian of this fatal gift. while others were
denied? 1t was about the only talent
we had but we have not wrapped It
up in a napkin. Sometimes we have
put cold, wet towel on 1t, but we
have never hidden 1t under a bushel
We have put II out at per cent a
month, and II has grown to be a thirst
that Is worth coming all the way from
Omaha to see. We do not gloat over
1t We do not say all this to the dis
paragement of other bright, young
drinkers. who came here at the same
+ time, and who had equal advantages
with us. We do not wish to speak
lightly of those whose prospects for fill
Ing drunkard's grave were at one
time even brighter than ours. We
have simply sought to hold our position
here in the grandest galaxy of extern
poraneous inebrlates in the wild and
woolly West. We do not wish to vaunt
; our own prowess but we say, without
2 fear Of successful contradiction, that
we have done what we could.
"On the fourth page OF this number
will be found, among other announce
ments, the advertisement OF our wife
who Is about to open up the old-laundry
at the corner Of Third and Cottonwood