Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-05-03
HEAT AND ITS A|SER|ES.
Bah Argues That Satan Invented the
Thermometer.

LADY'S STANDBY-HOT TEA AS
A COOLING BEvERAGE-MAN'S
TRIBUTE TO FASHION-ON THE
WEARING OF UNCOMFORTABLE
CLOTHES-HOW BABIES FARE
IN SUMMER WRETC H E D
HOMES OF THE PORCELAIN
Illness AND GODLINESS-THE
USE OF GOOD PLAIN SOAP AND
WATER-TIS HARD TO PRAY
WHEN IT'S WARM.
From Our Regular Correspondent
New York. April 3O-On very cold
days in the winter we sing hymn de-
scribing the joys of heaven as consist
ing principally Of never-ending music
and summer weather. The writer OF
that hymn newer lived in New YORK.
Summer weather in New York means
sun on both sides of the street; II
means absolutely no getting away from
the fiery rays, and il means generai Oe-
pravity. The only reason why every
one of us doesn't kill his neighbor dur
ing the hot days is because some eNer-
ton would be required, and then, 100
the blood would look hot. That Is the
only why-fOr. When the thermometer
is at ninety-five in the shade. every
man is every mans enemy, and every
woman hates every woman with an IN
tensity that can only be appreciated by
Satan.
The messenger boy who answers
your call has his cap cooked on the
back of his head, and exudes heat. lie
Quarrels with YOU about the tariff, ana
presents of oranges or apples have no
effect on him. The book may say one
thing. but he says another; and ne IS
grumpy and disagreeable. doubts your
being a perfect lady. and fully believes
that the place OF punishment Intended
for people who want errandS run Is
Hot. spelled with a capital II. The
elderly lady who walks Broadway,
with a tiny black silk parasOl between
her and the sunshine. wonders that she
feels so wicked. Her broad back Is
covered with black alpaca; and all
black materials absolutely seduce sun
rays TO come and rest upon them. She
wears mkts, and goes into the big
shops, retires 10 the ladies' parlor, so
that she may have an opportunity TO
use her starch bag She doesn't be
lieve in ''bOughten powder Her
mode of preparing the cooling stuff is
10 bang the starch with potatO-mash-
or, until it is a fine powder and pour
Florida water over Il. and then, when
It Is dry, put II in a flannel bag. This
Is her refuge in trouble. When the per-
spiration streams down her face, she
stops the liquid warmth by dabs with
the starch bag. and she looks, after she
has used the starch bag without a mir
ror, like a study in red and white, the
red undertaking the white. while the
white rapidly becomes lumpy. She
would lose her complexion altogether.
but when she gets home. limp. and
with no faith in anything. with doubt
even as TO the truth Of the Westminster
takes a cup OF hot tea to
brace her up; this brings about a pro-
fuse perspiratiOn, a perspiration which
amounts 10 a rain storm. and the dear
old soul is saved mentally and morally,
while she drips.
WEATHER EFFECTS THE TEN
PER.
of the.elevator boy. Yesterday he was
deeply interested in novel called The
Queen of Rubies. or, Who Was She?"
But to-day ne does not care CONT
mental dam Il spell il without the n. he
spells it With whether she was a
typewriter or manicure. but he knows
he hates everybody. He wonders if
there is a hereafter. He thinks he is
getting his taste of il now, riding up
and down in a hall room by the power
of steam. Civility and he are unknown
ouantities. He wonders why he was
ever born. and why, if he had 20 be
horn. he was fool enough 10 be born in
q country where the weather man gives
YOU August heat in April. and March
winds in July. You can't tip him into
pleasantness. The heat has affected
him so that all he hopes for is a sudden
disappearance OF himself into the poet
ical wave. that washes the shores, and
makes one acquainted with the dirt
that comes from New York to Coney
Island.
He despises the girl that went up in
the elevator a little while ago. She
looked cool He heard her telling her
sister her method for keeping cool. and
ne wondered how it would work il she
had TO wear heavy blue cloth clothes
with gold braid and gold buttons on
them. She said: Il first take very
hot bath and then. after the usual dry
ing process. powder myself we'll with
the very best French powder. No. no
starch for me. Then l put on the
highest of underwear. a silk skirt and
a shirt waist. I am wise enough TO
have a sensible waist measurement: il
* twenty-fOur. by-the-bye. and so | am
not drawing a belt IN and making my
face as red as possible IL always
amuses me 70 think about the women
who lace: the judgement is so certain
and so sure. They not only get red
faces. but they get red noses. and the
red of their nose is the kind that comes
10 STAY. Oh. anybody can be cool if
they want to-" II was only the cleo
trocution. that beaStly effect that pre-
vented the elevator boy from killing
her outright, for everybody cannot be
cool.
MAN AS FASHIONS SLAVE.
Talk about women being slaves of
fashion-that'S nonsense. Poor. be-
aighted man doesn't dare 10 put on a
straw hat. no matter how hot the
weather is. until a certain date has
come about. And the consequence is
that poor. benighted man is hot. Hot
with q vengeance. Hot as the honest
worker in a melOdrama Hot in such a
way that he makes everybody in his
home more uncomfortable. The family
- q b.. 49,. III