The Bolivar bulletin. (Bolivar, Tenn.) 1888-1946, 1896-10-09
The Deacon ..Fesses Up~

"I will have to own up to it, brethren,
that / was drunl-most feloniously
drunk"-says the deacon, as he went
down into his side coat pockets after
his old bandana handkerchief and
mopped out the salt water which had
backed up in his eyes. But must go
on and tell you-and l would swear to
it ON n stack of Bibles ten feet thick
and mile high-that 1 never drunk
nary single drop of sperits, so help
me God. No doubts it will be hard for
some of the brethren to believe that
particularly them that have travelled
the downward road for 10 these many
years and are consequentially familious
with the common way of bringing on a
plain, old-fashion drunk. But neveTthe-
less, henceforth and notwithstandin,
brethren, never drank nary single drop
of sperits. | have spoke the truth-the
naked unwashed truth-and nothin but
the truth, so help me God"
"But everybody says that Deacon
Joiner was drunk. So he was-so he
was-and it was the most filtbiest and
low downest drunk that has ever come
to pass amongst the members of Bark
Log church. And yet l never drunk
marry single drap of sperits that day
"How did it come to pass? Well, you
see, brethren. had went to town that
mornin, and one of the hands On the
place-which his wife and seven of the
children was all sick abed with chills
and fever-he ask me if wouldn't he
so kind, condescendin and obligin as
to fetch him a quart of sperits, So
had got the sperits accordin, and as /
rid along the road on my return back
home that evening broke ont all over
with the mad itch in spots as big as
your hand. The more | scratched the
worse l got with the itch till it did
naturally look like 1 would go
slap slam crazy. 1t was wrong,
brethren, know it was wrong,
but / then got mad-mad to think
that 1 had lived in this vain and
heetin world clost up to 20 years, and
then finally at last had to break out with
the itch. Some people mought maybe
call it skin rupture or the eXemas, or by
some other fancy name, but to me it was
the itch-nothin but the itcl, and q
scandlous bad case OF it. AS rid on it
got so bad till would have to dismount
and git down along the road and rub
and scratch myself agin the trees like
a NANCY, lousy hog. Then presently I
thought about that quart OF sperits
which 1 had bought for the sick, and
sayr to myself, it maybe mought cure
the itch. So / went down into my sad-
die bags and got out the bottle, hitcEed
my horse and slipped off down in the
woods, crawled out of my shirt and
poured on the sperits, and rubbed, till
my itchin skin soaked up all the sperits,
whereas / felt a whole lot better. I
then mounted my horse and rid on
+ owards home. / didn't feel apy more
sufferin from the itch, but didn't go
more than mile or so before | felt the
sperits powerful. At first didn't know
what In the round created world was
the matter with mel did feel so tre-
mendus loose and mellow and rich and
good. But presently was took will.
powerful swimmin of the head, and
then / got sick-so orful, mortal sick.
About that time reckon must Of fell
off of my horse, and henceforwards
after that didn't know blessed thing
till woke up at home next mornin with
my head feelin as big as a hamper
basket, and -and-but ! reckon the
brethren can see the pint am drivin
at. But the itch was gone-<nocked
sky high and cured on the first round.
''I have now give unto you all the
mainest facts in the case, brethren,
and hope you will deal kind and gentle
with me accordin. / am willin for you
to KNOW am willin for the whole dis
covered world to knOw-that Deacon
Joiner got drunk most feloniously
drunk. But please remember that I
never drunk nary single drop of sper-
it's"