Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1896-05-23
\ BACHELOR TAX.

at is said that Texas proposes TO I'M
pose tax of $50 upon all unmarried
men over thirty years OF age unless
they can make oath that they have
tried to marry and have failed
Woe to an Ohio legislature of theatre
hat proclivities when such germs are
floating in the air. While our legislat-
IRE was debilitated with ribbon-feather
legislation it was susceptible and It's
a wonder it didn't restrict Kissing 10
the back of the neck. I'm scared yet.
Now suppose such a law nad peen
enacted in Ohio, and the tax coiiectol
which they have in some states
would come around this mornins-pro-
viding | was eligible-and say:
I'm tax collector. Your tax is SoU.l'
IL cents on your real estate and chat
tells and $50 on yourself. This 500, you
know. is the bachelor tax which you
are Obliged to pay unless you can make
oath that you have tried to marry ana
have utterly failed. Can you make this
oath?"
Eyes. YOUR honor; for $50 | can make
oaths for forty days Of ten hours DAY
and board myself and then beat farm
ing. I'm ready
Hold up your hand. Do you solemn
II swear that TO the best Of your ability
Won have smiled and bought caramels,
gum and took buggy riding ana Doat
riding and quoted poetry and talked
about your nice farm and your nice
home that you might allure some lpady
into your kitchen to thereafter jingle
your pans and skillets, fill your heart
with love. your home with children and
your stomach with pancakes
Il do"
ITO accompany this oath | must nave
the name of the lady to whom you pro-
posed that you might be her right hand
man through poverty, sickness, colo
and measles. and on what date, so that
| can get her affidavit. II this CORES
ponds to your oath you VII then De
free from bachelor taxation
Great guns, is this strictly neces-
sary, Mr.. Tax Colector?'
ooh yes; how else could it be to AVOID
fraud?"
well. couldn't you give me ten days
to kind of think over the natter
Eyes; good day
II couldn't get cash for my double
shovel pillow, shotgun and other enects,
I might be obliged to either propose to
some girl that chews gum, giggles and
flirts at the station platform or leave
oh
What a law that would drive out Of
the State an enterprising citizen like
myself. Just because my capital is cheif-
" invested in fishing tackle, shotgun
and farming implements that do not
agree with me.
Whether in Texas or Ohio better
law than this would be to require, under
penalty, that every single man over
thirty years old pay to the county all
that it would get by his marriage and
that he give to society that which would
be due it by his marriage.
On the day he is thirty he could pay
seventy-five cents in the office OF Pro-
bate Judge and get a receipt. Then
could fee a minister anywhere from
THANK you, will see you later" to ten
dollars. Then could treat his friends
and grandmothers to banquet, and
the little boys under ten, but not under
the surveillance of their parents, to CT
CARS to smoke on their way home.
Then one year after date, at thirty
one, he could borrow baby every Sun
day, take it to church and raise Cain;
scatter cake on the floor tickle all the
older children, disconcert the choir and
rattle the preacher. And a few years
later ne could take the school teacher
to task and get himself licked and so
on and so on.
This kind Of law would be just and
I never would object to it,
But a $50 celibacy tax law, owing to
the financial stringency of some people
/ know, and the liability of having ones
private affairs recorded for the society
columns to copy would be a terror to
the unfortunate bachelor.
Just think of the following account of
my counting recorded in the Court
House.
Dan Fogg who has never loved or
been loved simultaneously. and conse-
quently not taken upon himself land
father-in-law) the joys and coi.c of
married life according to the IDEAS of
the State of Ohio. is for this year ex-
empted from the celibacy tax of $50 by
making oath that ne tried to get
there" but failed, owing to lack Of
affinity on the part of Miss Nancy Gig
glegum."
AS required by law, Miss Gigglegum
confirmed Mr.. Fogg's oath by making
affidavit that Dan Fogg proposed to her
on Easter day in very satisfactory
and arduous maner while holding hands
under an evergreen tree; but it seems
it wasn't the right kind of a tree or
something, besides Miss Gigglegum had
become engaged while out riding with
Mr.. Goldcane the evening before, and
she thought MIR. Goldcane's affections
would be sufficient 70 nourish her
yearning heart for several weeks and
possibly two months.
AS prospective bachelor, hope that
Ohio's next legislature will not catch
this idea from Texas and thus make
suicide or a marriage before thirty our
only escape from many possible humil-
iations. DAN FOGG.