The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-03-20
WHY NYE STEPPED OUT
His Famous Resignation as United
States Commissioner.
a BIG GOVERNMENT LOSS,
The Humorist Thought Popular Man
Night BE Raised UP to Succeed
Him, but Feared Not-Much
Honor, but Little Cash.

LII 1901 Bill Nyo was q Dr1e11eSS law
yer, dabbling in country newspaper
work at Laramie, Wy. The thing which
drew him out of his obscurity and even
tually made him famous humorist
with good sized fortune was the letter
in which he resigned his place as United
States commissioner. That letter, which
was reprinted everywhere, marked the
advent of q new comic writer and the
turn of the tide in the affairs of Edgar
Wilson Nye. Here is the famous epistle:
To the Department of Justice. Washington:
Several months ago / resigned United
States commissioner OF this judicial district
The government did not accept my resigna
ton, thus tacitly asserting that there was no
one who was considered competent to take my
place in holding up this corner of the national
fabric
now once more resign. do not do so be-
cause am dispeased with the government, or
because am displcased with public life There
Is no reason why the government and myself
should not continue to DO friends, but under
the new regime for United States commission
ers of district courts am compelled to retire
from the official capacity which have so long
filled with much skill and credit, both to
myself and the United States.
The department Of justice now requires me
to furnish n detailed statement each month of
all the business done by the commissioner,
with his official certificate attached. l am also
required TO keep Il large volume in nv office
asa record OF the United States cnses examined
by me. am to do this at my own expense, in
order that the honor and high moral tone of
the nation may remain unsmirched.
All these requirements l could, of course,
comply with, but am cursed with the horri-
bic apprehension that in the future shall be
required to do more of this till the expense
will be more than can meet. 1 could now, of
course get little chores to do around town,
enough for necessary funds to buy the records,
I ETC.. but before another year the government
may require me to buy marble top center
table, and two or three paintings by the old
masters, in order to give tho popular amount
of terror to the United States criminals This
would compel me to go without n new over
coat and underclothcs, of which am sadly in
need. Ind hoped that with the financial pros.
perity Of the past year there would be one
case, ut least for examination for which j
could realize SO or 81 and which would ease
this branch of the department of Justice TEN.
porarily. but have been disappointed all the
why through. i could squeeze along without
the overcoat in order to get the required rec
ord this winter. but the underclothes 1 feel us
If ought to have.
might die suddenly while on tho bench and
it would sound hnrshly if the telegraphic dis
patch were to state that when the postmor.
TEN was held the jury found n verdict that the
United States commissioner had died from ex-
posture and temporary stagnation of under.
clothes.
Our winters hero are quite severe and II
tho department of justice should some day re.
Quire me in my official capacity to buy an up.
right piano and keep it ON file, would have to
clothe myself in my answering integrity and
pair of gold bowed Eyeglasses.
There is no question about the air of cheer
fulness that piano would give to my office,
especially If some lady We're to be tried on
some charge or another, for she could bang an
overture out of the instrument while waiting
MT fn Il
it would help him kill time. but the court
would either have to lock itself in an adjoin.
ing closet till the defendant had gone, or ask
her to loan him her shawl during the trial
You will SEQ from these suggestions whittier
we are drifting.
will now turn the Office over to the depart.
ment 1t consists of pine box, with some
specimens of secondhand chewing tobacco,
preserved in sawdust, and baldheaded feather
buster. Tho department will please send
receipt to me for these archives. as desire tc
have everything done correctly and with the
usual amount of precision and delay.
The United States. in my resignation, sus
tains loss which it can i'll afford, and the ma
tional superstructure becomes almost tottcr
ing wreck. The popular man may be raised
up for this crisis, but it is not ut all probable
DIR. Tanner would be good man. l simply
throw this out ~ Il suggestion.
Still, he would require clothes. l hadn't
thought of that.
1t is very seldom that you find n man with
the happy union of qualifications necessary foi
this Office You may secure man who can
live on the delightful climate and what cold
food he can secure among the neighbors, but
ne is liable to have an ungovernabe appetite
for clothes. while, ON the other hand, you NAV
find man who is the exact vice versa OF
whatever you may call it, of the other man.
You will, perhaps, wonder ut the delay OF
my last monthly report, but it is easily ex
planned. The man who promised that he would
come before in August and aclrno1yInd oa
deed and pay mo two bits for it came to me in
September and told me that he didn't make
the sale of property that he had anticipated.
now resign
Congress may take such action in acknowl
edgment of my past services rs it may see fit
Whatever appropriation is made will be
thankfully received and receipted
would also receipt my winter pants at the
same time.
find that can starve to death Just as sue.
cessfuly in journalism as / can in my official
capacity, and hope that the government will
not feel hurt over my course.
Handling the amount of money that / have
being United States commissioner has been
terrible strain Oh me- and resign before il
is too late.
resign while have tho manhood still left
to oyermaster my fiendish desire to embczzle
the coal hod and the front door of the office.
Hoping that no further explanation will be
necessary. l subscribe myself yours with II
moderate amount Of firmness and a passionate
desire for grub, BILL NYE.
His Tale of Nondar