Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1896-04-25
ALKALI IKE AND HIS TOWN

now forgotten by depoEent and must for
ever go unreco1ded, "of the Sc of Hop
Along, who wanted to go east"
Hop Along" repeated the tourist. "a
lame man. presume?'
"Nope!' replied the Alkaline citizen. "His
maiden name, so to speak, was Hopkins A.
Long, but in the course of human events
part Of il was rubbed off, similar to the
way pebbles are worn smooth by rollin'
around in the ripples. an the rest of 1t
sorter got together again Ike tint snake
does after bein' broken in pieces-an' he
became Hop Along
It seei'
Jest so! Wal, this yere Hop Along con-
tended with the west for years an not rat
tin his horns agin the sides of the corral
none. He has been here in Hawville so
long that he regards himself as shook
down an settled for good when, without
warn:n'. he fins a yearn sproutin' in his
buzZom as 1t were, that whisky won't sat
isfy. You see. he's been born back thar in
little old twO-by-four, hlde-bound New Eng
land, whur it is all rocks an hills an sea-
shore an stinginess; whur they split pen
MES to make change, an it hurts their
feelin's burcrz they can't collect ten per
cent interest on the debt of nature, an the
woods is full of prim old maids hangn' on
trees like dried pawpaws an"
Il am from New England, If you please
said the Il rrist, mildly.
Then You know how it is yourself" re-
sponded the ingenious Isaac. Wal, he
left Connecticut wher he was a cub of
fourteen or Sech matter an hadn't never
even thought of goin' back till this yere
honescki "ss comes upon him. He fights
1t. but it keeps CROWN like hoilin' rice
What Is bred in the bone is like a man in
jail with the smalipox-bound to break out
somehow-an Hop gifts worse an worse
He keeps his yearnin' to himself for long
spell, sayin' nothin' and mopin' around Ike
a bull calf that had sucked in thunder.
"Homasickress is Ike love. When either
one of EN- gifts firm cinch on its prey he
is Ike a gent in the cuiles of an annycon-
der; he gees W hur he s dead wrong an
kick, to the best of his ability, but it only
twists the tighter.
Same way with Hop Along. He thinks
OF 1t by day an dreams of It by night, an al
last his haikcrin' 10 go east grows SO strong
he can taste it, He loses his appreciation
for his daily grub an hungers for the bur
dock green's an clam chO%der an similar
heathenish fodder of the east The prairie
grass waVin' in the breeze reminds him
great plerty of the ocean. an a little raid
that the white caps makes on superfiuous
citizen recalls to him gale At sea He falls
completely out of step with his TELLER men
an don't take no interest in live topics at
all He don even stray around when new
rnfreshment parl0r opens I'D with a grand
burst of free whisky.
directly he begins to spend most of the
daytime bumped up in q chair in the shade
or his wigwam. gain wistfully off across
other shore. Bime-bye, he gives out an
takes to his bed. He gifts sorter wrong in
his head, too He hain't what you'd call
crazy: part of the time he is straight enough
81; aEin hc kinder wanders. OF course. his
trends do the square thing by him: as soon
as we find out what the matter is we try to
hooraw him out of his fad.
'Then, seem that we cant b,Ifyrag him
1it Of his trouble we do our best to cheer
him up an make him f"rgit it. We gifts lIp
a !yhc MN bee for his special entertainment
m AKIN use OF a gent who was sorter suffer-
IN ior seen attention. but who might OF her
W.se have been overlooked. an makes poor
Hop the high duke Of the occasion. trans
portn him 20 the scene of the festivities in
a HGsSY fui! of pillows 1t was as pretty a
Iyhehin' as ! ever witnessed, hut the poor
cusS diih't pear to take no interest in il
but jest looked sad an sighed
II nam no use. gentlemen says he
alleS we got him back 20 his lonely bacha-
lor home 1t hain't no use / annrar:a+e
your thoughtfulness. but it don't touch the
SPOT. rms yere yearnin' containers to rise
up II: my buZzom IN spite OF ali | can do,
bury watch.
Seems like I can't think of nothia' else
ne pipes on IN gray tone OF voice. 4 want
TO See the hills an rocks an the sand am
the sea aE!n. l want to smell the salt an
taste the brine. | hope youth excuse me
get tiemen. an won't think I'm hintin' at
ANYBODY yere. but I'd rather put the mouth
OF 4 pink-linei shell to nv ea. an listen IN
the sad an solemn sound of the ocean than
to hear the voice Of my best friend invitin'
me 10 take snort of ten old Ticker Why
sGncll!neS' have taken that old pickle bot
tic on from the shelf an held it to nv ear
ana tried to foil myself into belevin' / was
hstenln' into shell. But ii hain't no use;
my hGme5icknSss won't be fooled. On,
wish l had 4 lo3stCr,'
I'VE wagGed our heads plenty sad an
sympathetic as We trudged away
NO two ways about it,. says / to the
rest OF the prominent citizens. That thar
an IN &C tim
thc flrst ching we know he'll either go glib
BERN crazy or bre ak away from his good
resolutions an stampede for the cast
Ills malady is simply plumb foolish
less, says Grizzly johnson. who is a sage
But that don't make nc difference He
wants the east an the ocean like the Texas
man wanted his revover-which was like
roarln Tophet l offer the suggestion that
We raid the stores an see if we can't I'M
earth some of them thar Holsters he's a.
pinin for
ACCORDING we makes search None of
The storekeeperS pear to know what lobster
Is hitich less possess any, an we are plumb
discouraged till the genial proprietor of the
tough House restaurant makes discovery
in his memory.
Lobster says he. 4 reckon I'm cursed
with can of that har animal or was. the
last time l noticed | gifts il CoupIe of
Years ago packed by mistake in a case of
other canned goods an hain't been able TO
git shet OF 1t since. My patrons hain't
the can they ell said they wasn't drunk
enough to indulge in 70 sech lookn' var
mint, an the last | knowed it was kickin'
around somewhurs unopened
He digs II out, an we examines it
don know so much about this. saws
l. 'IhiS yere varmint is mighty weird an
unholy loGkin pears to be bright red an
some hftecn or twenty feet long, accordin'
TO the surroundin' landscape in the picture
What part of the burcussed monster is in
the can, anyhow?
1 haint admirin its appearance none
myself says the Hon. PUNK Skee I don't
object to soakin' poor old Hop with whisky
TIL he gifts all kinds of snakes but 1t shore
locks like playin it mighty low down on
him TO feed him sech diabollycal lookin'
reptile as this. He calls for lobster. all
right enough, but mebby he's wanderin' in
his mind an don't know what he is talkin'
about. The durn thing locks like it was
pizonous,
Huh. says Grizzly johnson, who. as
I'm sayin before, is plenty old an wise
This yere portrait is an exaggyration got
up to deceive the innycent purchaser; a lob
ster is about foot long an is simply big
salt water crawfish, nuthin' more
Upon that we tramps off to Hops shan
ty, cuts the can of reptile open an hands it
to the sick man.
iere is your lobster. old Teller saws
PUNK. But I'm afraid the cussed thing is
spoilt'
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