Evening star., 1896-11-07
MRS. BoWsER's INNINGS
Written for The Evening Star BY M. Quad,

"Mr. Bowser, ~ began Mrs. Bowser the
other evening as the pair sat reading and
the family cat purred softly on the
hearth rug. 'do you know that you have
got to make radical change in some Of
your little ways or I shall know the rea-
son why2"
"W-what?' gasped Mr.. Bowser, as he
looked and then rubbed his eyes as If Won
dering whether he was awake or dream
ing.
For instance" she continued, II want
you to keep out of the kitchen and stop
being hen-hussy. You are always poking
around there and bothering the cook, and
want 1t to cease!'
''You-you are talking to meT whis-
pered Mr.. Bowser, looking at her in the
strangest sort of way.
yes. sir. I am talking to you'll You
found fault with the meat tonight. Don't
good enough for me Is good enough for
you. If you don't like my taole you can
go to restaurant"
Mr.. Bowser opened his eyes and mouth
and stared at her: Was it Mrs. Bowser
who sat there? Was that Mrs. Bowser's
voice? Was this his wife who had per-
mitted herself to be bluffed and brow
beaten on hundred occasions wnen he
felt "off'' and wanted to take it out Of
some one? He pinched his leg; he reach
ed up and stroked his nose. Yes, he was
awake, and that was Mrs. Bowser, and
she was giving him sass" He must sit
down on her at once and with the utmost
emphasis.
Mrs. Bowser-womanP' he shouted,
as he sprang to his feet-"What on earth
do you mean by such language? Do you
know who you are talking to?"
''Sit right down, Mr.. BoWser," she quiet
ly replied as she looked him in the eye.
Il know who l am talking to. My Ian
guage is all right. You are spending alto
tIov 4. t. ltl lie.
and at the club. 1 am wearing a pair of
darned stockings because l have to ecoIo-
mize, while you think nothing of throw
ing away ten dollars a week. After this
you come down to two!
"By the great horn spoon, but"
Its no use, MIR. BOWer! she interrupted
1--WE are not talking about horn spoons or
any other sort Of spoons. In looking over
my closet today l found lot of your col
lars and socks in there. They are on the
floor in front of your dresser, together with
cuffs, necEties. shirts and vests. When
you go upstairs you either put them away,
or Ill throw them out of the window! You
have no more order than a pig, and I've
got tired taking care of your things l no.
tice you are wearing a new pair of shoes
which must have cost 81 or S. while you
have two or threee half-worn pairs in the
house. l must buy 50 shoes in order to
economize, and wear them until my toes
stick out. There must be change, Mr..
Bowser."
red by turns. and his eyes bulGing out as if
a ghost stood before him.
"And another thing" she went on, this
buying patent medicines and gimcracks has
got to come TO an end. If your stomach
can't get along without new brand of
sarsaparilla or bitters every two or three
days. with somebody's sirup or pills for
your liver between times. you'd better go
to bed and die decently. The money which
you throw away on such stuff would buy
all my Clothes"
Mr. Bowser tried to get out of his chair.
but his knees were SO weak that he couldn't
stand up. He tried to speak. but his tongue
seemed to be nailed fast Mrs. Bowser
looked him over and then said:
II was looking into your dresser today
and 1 noticed bottle Of hair dye. The
idea Of an old man like you, with bald
spot on top Of your head, dyeing your hair
and trying to deceive the public! Every
time you see me use powder rag you
sneer about It, and yet you buy hair dye
and have probably been to some madame"
to have your wrinkles removed! Are you
fixing to frisk around gay old Lotha
rio?"
That was ALL He couldn't get a whole
word out. while his face was so red that
Mrs. Bowser feared stroke of apoplexy.
She had more TO say, however.
Every now and then You threaten me
with a divorce case and talk about my
going home to mother. If you want a
divorce. why don't you apply for 1t? 1
have deed of this house and lot. and as
for my going home to mother. or going
anywhere else. don't you worry! I pro-
pose to stay right here. If any one leaves
1t will be you! The idea of man getting
up and browbeating and bulldozing as
down on them like a ton Of brick! There's
another thing. while 1 think of it! You
have been interfering with my manage
When don't know how to manage cou-
pie Of servants ri send In my resignation
on a postal card. You told the last cook
that you were sorry she had to work so
hard. and you hinted that 1 was too hard
on her. but she came right to me and called
you an old polly-wolly and quit at a days
notice."
Mr.. Bowser wasn't quite dead. but a
glance at him would have satisfied any
one that he was on his last legs.
That's about all for this evening"" said
Mrs. Bowser. as she rose up, but we
may resume tomorrow night. 1 shall be
quite busy for the next two hours, Mr..
Bowser. and If any one calls you can say
I'm out. In case you so desire, my law
yer will see your lawyer in the morning.
Good night, Mr. Bowser-good night Stay!
II you have toothache during the night
don't come bowling around to wake me
up. Any man who doesn't know enough
to take care of his feet on wet Gay de-
serves to have several kinds of ache. Re-
member-I'm not at home to any one"
And when she had gone Mr.. Bowser
opened and shut his eyes-opened and
shut his fngers-crossed and recrossed
his legs-stood up and sat down. 1t was
no use, however. He couldn't make 1t
out. He had either fallen off the roof
of house or tumbled down a deep well.
and had been half killed or half drowned
By and by he crept upstairs and tumbled
into bed, and two hours later, when Mrs.
Bowser looked in on aim. there was
scared look around his mouth, and curl
to his back hair, although he was sound
asleep. Mr.. Bowser had simply been dcne
up.
Not Booked for a Long Stay.
From Truth.
Clergyman-"Madame,b be consoled by the