Iron County register. [volume] (Ironton, Iron County, Mo.) 1867-1965, 1896-11-12
QUEER PENSION LIST NAMEss
Uncle SANS Curious Collection Of Ves
Grams of Various Wars.

Grams of Various Wars.
The Washington governmental On
reaus have always possessed the happy
faculty of turning out various orders
of freaks and queer ideas, but the latest
production in this line is list of bona
fide pensioners or applicants, whose
names, if originality alone were consid-
cred, would leave that of the imaginary
King Geranimoseadolphu of Africa,
away in the background.
The peculiar idea seems to have en-
tered the heads of three officials of the
pension bureau at about the same time,
each unaware of the others intention,
and for ten or twelve years they made
entries of peculiarly odd names that
came before them officially. When
ever, in looking over the rolls, name OF
unusual pronunciation or construction
appeared, it was Immediately jotted
down on a pocket list to be kept for
personal pleasure. But the other day
the three became acquainted with their
mutual curiosity for gathering names.
and a consolidated list was the result.
Some of the names appear SO ridicu-
lous as to seem impossible for a human
glomeration of letters, but their anthem
ITCHY is vouched for, as they appear
upon the very rolls of the United States
pension bureau, and pensions are paid,
or applications are as yet pending with
these freak inscriptions upon them.
AS the oddly of the names will be
better illustrated by means of assem-
bling them into characteristic groups,
the three officials took pains to have
this done. First upon the list comes
Preserved Ireland, NJ. j. Yankee, Mex
leo Washington and Alfred CONSTANT
nople. Then follows few in the hard
ware line, such as Minerva Hatchett,
John Hammer and George AK.
Peter Beets, James Bean, Susan Gale,
John Garlick, Daniel Mustard are asso-
ciated in the pension Office with John
Meats, John Ham, Thomas Tongue.
W. II. Lamb, David Mutton, w. T. Kid
ney, Samuel Heart, William Fish, Sam
uel Crab, William Oyster and Jacob Her
ring. One of the most peculiar-and its
popularity is more pronounced as it
is written clearly with a hyphen-is
Adam Buzzard, and along with the
Buzzard comes George r. Swallow,
Thomas Lark, William Fowl, Hiram
Fowler and Pleasant Green Swan. The
Raines law is supposed to control the
liquor traffic in New York and nearly
every city has its regulations against
Sunday opening, but here is combina-
ton that can do business all the year
round: Isham Vinegar, j. p. Dry, John
Sourbeer, James Sourwine, George M.
Goodrum, Benjamin Sherry and d. B.
Goodale. And if they did, probably
some of their customers would be An
drew Laugh, David Jolly, Anguish
Smith, Deary Graves, Daniel Death and
Mourning Ashby.
David Tadpole, Cochran Roach, Rob-
ert Gait, Frank Coon, Henry Deer, Amos
Hogg and James Pigg might excusably
be English names, but John Shrieking-
goat must be an Indian compound.
Then there come John Poppil, David
| Oppil, John Hopple, and number do
| ing a lunch room business, such as
John Gobble, Jacob Meals, Enoch Frit-
tiers, John Crumb, Charles Drybread,
| George Goodbread, Thomas Butter
baugh, Irwin Huckleberry, Obiah Goose
berry, John Jelly, Tom Cherry, Adam
Apple and Sandy Dates. There's Will
liam Roof and Margaret Floor, but
| Sarah Razor and Josiah Door add to the
list a few names more.
The weather bureau at Washington
tries very hard to let the people have the
| kind of climate they want, but here are
d few persons who could go into the
| weather shop business without govern
| ment support and corner the market
within a few days: Elkana Dampman
| Louise Wetright, Thomas Rain, William
Hail, Robert Dew, David Moist, Jephtha
| Showery, Milton Sloppy, James Biz
card and Seacat Showers.
The cream of the list is an aggrega'
| ton of names that carry with them the
| impression of very religious enthusiasts.
| for instance: Susan Sunday, Christian
yesterday, Philip Easternight, Mary j.
| Chapel, William Archdeacon, Good
| Preacher, Robert Priest, Celestial Good,
Hiram Pray, John Blessing, Stephen
Souls, Samuel Holycross, Pleasant
| Cross, Apostle Paul, Jeremiah Scrip
| lures and Levi Bible. Contrasted 10
| these come Edward Vice and Conrad
Sinner.
| Some others are: Mary Alas, Charles
Kiss, Henry Hug, John Bridegroom,
John Wedding, Endearin johnson, Hugh
| Cry and Mary Sobs; John Socks, James
| Stocking, Robert Bodkin, Jacob Need
| les, Edward Dentist, Jesse Toothache,
| George Bonebreak, James Bonekiller,
| John Emperor, Moses Sovereign, Ed
ward Throne, Oliver Jumps, Andrew
| Bump, Simon Dancer, James Waltz,
| Peter Trip and George Gallop. The
manner in which different parts of the
human anatomy are scattered through
out the list might give the appearance
| Of a railroad wreck. There are Samuel
| Nose, William Face, James Cheek, DR..
| Zones, Adam Shanl1s, Thomas Foote.
| Hiram Head, James Legg, Samuel Hand,
! Stephen Bach and +. 6. Lipp. Then
come Jerry Cuff, Mary Collar, Ford Cra-
| vat, William Corsets, Robert Bonnet,
Thomas Baths, James Towel and Tim
Tubbs; Isaac Quail, Aaron Drake, Viii.
| liam Grow and Hester Pigeon; Peter
| Highnote, Jane Melody, John Harmony
| John Songster, John Harp and ID. b.
| Dirty; Wayman Perfect, William
Proper, James Polite, John Harmless,
| lafayette I'avorite, Fl. Cummings, K
/ Rogue, Washington Sillyman and Henry
| Gump; Patrick Comfort and John
| Troubles; William Million. George
Thousand, David Dollar, Jacob Shilling
Thomas Pence, William Farthing, A.