The Van Buren press. [volume] (Van Buren, Ark.) 1859-1914, 1896-06-06
THE CELIBATE CLUB.
BY w. j. HAMPTON.

0OHitHY ItHtdfHfu DdtE FDItsIs
fare the bs4sc Of bachelor civilization
'tWoman Is woe personified," re
marked Arcturus ORyan, known as the
star bachelor of the combination.
IF [ had choice Of all things On
earth,' said John Temple, Il woulI
choose woman last"
..lNhat in thunder are they here forY''
inquired VIII King.
'.On one she smiles. and he is blest,r
scornfully quoted Frank Park. and
added, "and then she smiles on all the
rest"
Fellow sufferers said /, Thomas
bennington, by superiority Of age and
experience chief Of the Ceiibate Coterie.
heartily coinciding with the individual
and aggregate opinions just expressed.
''permit me to offer the following reso-
lutions.
whereas Woman. by her continued ac-
fions, shows that she IL In favor Of the utter
determination Of bachelors. and
whereas. Woman on all occasions and
at all times expresses her adherence Of
bachelors as such. and
Whereas. Woman has no use for a man
unless she can lead him around b. the nose.
and
whereas. Woman Is constantly on the
lookout for that kind Of man with that
Kind OF a nose. and
Whereas. Woman believes that man was
provided with a nose simply as a handle for
her to take hold Of. and
Whereas. Woman thinks she owns the
earth. and the men thereof. and
Whereas. She was never more mistaken
In her life. therefore be II
Resolved that We whose signatures are
hereto appended do hereby assert our man
hood and hurl defiance 10 her teeth. and
Resolved. That we entirely ignore the
existence of all womankind. and
Resolved, That we DO solemnly pledge
ourselves 10 throw off the female yoke.
TO tTample beneath our feet the letters
woman would forge upon u.s. to assert and
maintain that we are one and indvisible.
and that henccforth and forever we will
neither marry any woman nor be mar
sied by her"
AS might have been expected these
resolutions we're received with yocif-
erous applause, and the meeting ofEvr
Cclibate club became so hilarious That
three babies on the floor below AMI
seven ON the floor above were aroused
from their angel slumbers, and soon
had awakened every body else in the
building, After which we adjourned,
having bean implored to do so by COM
mittcc Of IL married men, who assured
us that when we had children OF
our own we could better understand
their feelings in the matter.
Az this point, possibly, | might ex-
plain that the gentlemen whose names
have been mentioned were unmarried
men, whose years numbered from 30
to 80, who had been compelled by the
emergencies by which they had been
surrounded to take this means of de-
Tense. They were all good men and
true, and when their word had been
given there was no power ON earth
could break IT,.
We had formally resolved TO be per
pctual bachelors, and that settled the
business.
And what n feeling OF exquisite res
II gave mel For years bad been fiat
tering women and paying court to
them and murmuring sweet nothin1s
20 them, and sitting on damp piazzns
IN the moonlight with them, and lolling
beneath the shade Of summer resort
trees philosophizing on love, and hold
ing girls hands and spending my hard.
Earned savings 10 make maiden's holt
cay, and writing inane and vapid poems
to their drug store compleXions and
their liquid blue or brown or gray eyes.
AZ the ease might be, and so on, ad in
bnitum de disgustibusque.
Now and then, / am willing to con-
fess, / found one who was really quite
Irresistible, and | became serious, only
10 find when some other chap came
around, how utterly irresponsible and
unreliable all women were. ! confess.
also, that such experiences were rather
unpleasant TO my general feelings and
gave me seasons Of depression, not TO
say gloom.
But with the coterie's resolutinns
fixed in my mind felt a new strength.
and / began life all over again, and
with such an infinite sense of reii,i
that words are quite inadequate to ex.
press my state of mind.
For three months this blissful condi-
fion continued and then was thrown
from horse and sustained iniurics
TO the extent OF n broken leg and num-
berlcss bruises. had ordered myself
e. be taken TO the hospital. where all
good bachelors 60 when they are IN, but
cousin Of mine, fine fellow, except
that hc was married. issued orders 10
the contrary and took me home with
HIM. There | was fixed up in royal
rfvlc. ard his wife took charge of mo
with such mothcTiy solicitudc that /
ceased 20 grpwl about not going 10 the
hospital
Nlsain week began TO improve,