Vilas County news. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1896-1927, 1896-12-21
TEA-TABLE SALAD.

Jessie-"Oh, yes, she has! She writes
her letters without postscripts."
To gaze upon the latest style
Sometimes one has to pay,
Last night / viewed a lovely hat,
But did not see the play. Life.
Benedict-''That adage Marry in haste
and repent at leisure is all bosh!'
SingIeton-"WhyW
Observation-Disclosures married men have
no leisure"
Tforpson--'Th anarchists are now
demanding the abolition of orders and
decorations conferred by royalty"
Harper-'I suppose their bitterest OPP
position is to the Order of the Bath
''Now. Violet, can you give me any
reason why / should not punish you for
being naughty"
VioIet-"Yes, ma The doctor said you
weren't to take any vi'lent excise
Tommy-"I say, Mollie, [ wish I had
nickel to get some chocolate with"
Mollie-"Go and ask father, who
Homer was, and what is meant by the
differential calculus. He's got company,
and [ shouldn't wonder if he'd give you
a dime"
she-"No, sir; it is impossible. 1 am
sorry, indeed, but l can never marry
He-"And yet the encouragement you
gave me last night in the waltz"
IL,
what [ said under pressure, so to speak :"
Lawson-"The giraffe is a dumb ami
NAL It cannot express itself by any
sound"
Toots-'Its neck is so long that its
voice probably gets tired out before it
gets to its mouth"
Wanted to be Il.-He-"Will you let
me kiss your
She-"Rumor says that kissing brings
disease
He-"Then make me an invalid for
life"
A famous Scotch dean used to tell a
ghost story, the clew to which is the
question: "Weel, maister ghaist, is this
a general rising, or are We JUST taking
daunder (strolD frae yer grave by yer
sell?"
A story is told of a child witness in an
Irish court who was asked by the judge:
IF you took a false oath, what would
happen you?'' He hesitated, and at last
said: II suppose [ wouldn't get my ex-
pinses."
Judge "What value do you put IN the
boots that were stolen from you"
Witness-"You see, my lord, they cost
me lbs when new; then l had them soled
twice, which came to 3s6d each time.
Total-19s."
''Waiter, do you remember me? [
came in here yesterday and ordered a
steak"
Waiter Eyes sir, Will you have the
same today?''
it,"
A writer in the short-lived New York
Tattler once said to Whistler: ut must
be delightful being an American in Lon
don, and always getting the better of
people" But" returned he, with mel
ancholy, at takes them such a long time
to find it OUT
''Do you mean to say" said the soulful
young woman, chat you have never yet
met the woman whose presence and
touch thrilled your whole being in an
utterly indescribable manner?
"OnIy Once," said the weary young
man. ut was when | was in the hands
of a woman dentist"
HER GLOVES
A year ago / asked my love
To give to me the dainty glove
I'd snatched from her.
knew that she was fond of me,
And thought it very strange that she
Should make demur.
We're married now, Almost g, year
Has sped since people came to hear
Our wedding vow,
And now / realize why May
Was slow to give her gloves away
l buy them now!
-Somerville Journal.
Tramp-'T am looking for work,
ma'am Have you any scrubbing, wash
ing, or cleaning of any kind you wish
done|'
Mrs Jones-"You don't look the sort
of person for that kind of work.
Tramp-'I am not, ma'am. 1t IS for
my wife l am trying to find work.
JinksL"There is man who has a
number of movements on foot for max
ing money"
Binks-''Who is he?"
Jinks-"I don't know his name, but
he's dancing teacher. New York Ad-
"Judge-"Why did you strike this
man|'
Prisoner-''Your honor, he asked me
what thought Congress would do with
the Dingley bill
Judge Discharged" = Philadelphia
North American.
A NEW PUNCTUATION MARK.
Said Squibbs, who long had edited
A humorous magazine,
As many MSS. he turned,
One penny bit to gean,-
There's fame and fortune, waiting for
The man who'll introduce
punctuation mark, to add
To those we have in use.
IT would save us care and worry
And labor full one-half,
If humOriStS could have mark
To show us where to laugh"
Boston Transcript
Visitor at Farm-"Well this is unusu-
al! Why. you are putting all the big APP
pies in the bottom of the barrels and
the little one on top"
Farmer-"Yes; those fruit-dealers in
the city are gettin' so sharp; they open
the barrels from the bottom, to see
whether we farmers be tryin' to cheat
them"
New Breakfast Habit.
4 new fashion has arisen in Scotch
country houses during the last few years.
All sporting men like porridge for break
fast Now, it is not a pretty spectacle
to see moustached and bearded men eat
norridge and cream; so now that delecta-
BILE compound is placed upon a side-ta BILE
behind a screen, or in a little anteroom,
and when the lords of creation stroll
down on a Sunday or rush down on a
olyfo or