The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1896-06-16

I'm tax collector. Your tax is $50 II
IL cents on your real estate and chat
tells and $50 on yourself. This $50, you
know, is the bachelor tax which you
are obliged to pay unless you can
make oath that you have tried to mar
ry and have utterly failed. Can you
make this oath9'
Yes, your honor; for $50 I can make
oaths for forty days of ten hours a day
and board myself and then beat farm
ing. I'm ready"
Hold up your hand: D0you eolemn-
~ swear that to the b9st of your abil.
Ity you have smiled and bought a
mels and gum and gone buggy riding
and boat riding and quoted poetry and
talked about your nice farm and your
nice home that you might allure some
lady into your kitchen 10 thereafter
J1Dgle your pans and ekillets, fill your
heart with love, your home with chill
dren and your stomach with pan
cakes2"
lido"
ITO accompany this oath I must
have the name of the lady to whom
you proposed that you might be her
right hand man through poverty, sick
ness, collie and measles, and on what
date, SO that I can get her affidavit. If
this corresponds to your oath you will
then be free from bachelor taxation"
Great guns! is this strictly neces
eary, Nj. Tax C~ollector?'
"On yes; how else could it be to
avoid fraud?"
well, couldn't you give me ten
days to kind of think over the mat
ter9"
Yes; good day"
If l couldn't get cash for my double
shovel piow, shotgun and other effects,
l might be obliged &c either propose to
some girl that cheWs gum giggles and
hlrte at the station platform or leave
the State. l would choose the latter.
What a law that would drive out of
the State an enterprising citizen like
myself, just because my capital is
chiefly invested in fishing tackle, a
shotgun and farming implements that
do not agree with me!
Whether in Texas or Ohio a better
law than this would be to require, IN
der penalty, that every single man
over thirty years old pay to the coun-
ty all that it would get by his marriage
and that he give to society that which
would occur to it by his marriage.
On the day he is thirty he could pay
seventy five cents in the Office of Pro
bate Jude and get a receipt. Then he
could fee a minister anywhere from
Thank you, will see you later" to ten
dollars. Then could treat his friends
aud grandmothers to a bar q1et, and
the little boys under ten, but not under
the surveillance of their parents, to
cigars to smoke on their way home.
Then one year after date, at thirty
one, he could borrow a baby every Sun
day, take it. to church and raise Cain {;
scatter cake on the floor; tickle all the
older children, discomfort the choir and
rattle the preacher. And a few years
later he could take the school teacher
to task and get himself licked and so OF
and so On.
This kind of law would be just and l
would object to it.
But a $50 cel1oacy tax law, owing to
the financial stringency Of some people
1 know, aud the liability Of having
ones private affairs recorded for the
society columns 10 copy, would be a
terror to the unfortunate bache Or.
just think Of the following account
of my counting record in the court
house:
Dan Fogg who has never loved and
been loved simultaneously, and opse
qlentIy has not taken upon himself
(4nd father in-law) the joys and coaic Of
married life according to the idea of
the State Of OHIO, is for this year ex
empted from the celibacy tax Of $50 by
making oath that he tried to get
there" but failed, owing to a lack of
affinity on the part Of MISC Nancy Gig
glegum."
AS required by law, Miss Gigglegum
confirmed Mr. F'ogg's oath by making
affidavit that Dan Fogg proposed to
her on Easter day in a very satisfactory
and arduous manner while holding
hands under an evergreen tree; but it
seems it WASN'T the right kind of tree
or something, besides Miss Gigglegum