Evening bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1895-1912, 1896-09-15
HIS FIRST FU~NY LETTER ONE or
RRsIGNATION.
Might Have TO Keepa Piano on File
Had an Unsuitable Appetite for
Clothes.

drew him out of his o0scurity and
eventually made him a famous
humorist with a good. sized for
tune was the letter in which he
resigned his place as United
States commissioner. That letter,
which was reprinted everywhere,
marked the advent of a new comic
writer and the turn of the tide in
the affairs of Edgar Wilson Nye.
Hero is the famous epistle:
70 the Department of Justice,
Washington, ID. c.: Several
months ago l resigned as United
States commissioner of this judi.
cial district. The government did
not accept my resignation, thus
tacitly asserting that there was no
one who was considered compel.
ent to take my place in holding
up this corner Of the national
fabric.
! now once more resign. l do
not do so because | am displeased
with the government, or because l
am displeased with public life.
There is no reason why the gov
ernmcnt and myself should not
continue to be friends, but under
the new regime for United States
commissioners of district courts l
am compelled to retire from the
official capacity which | have so
long filled with somuch skill and
credit, both to my self and the
United States.
The Department Of Justice now
requires me to furnish detailed
statement each month of all the
business doue by the commission
er, with his official certificate ut
tached. | am also required to
keep a large volume in my office
as a record OF the United States
cases examined by me. l am to
DO this at my own expense, in
order that the honor and high
moral tone of the nation may
remain unsmirched.
All these requirements | could,
Of course, comply with, but 1 am
cursed with the horrible appre-
hension that i'll the future | shall
be required to do more of this till
the expense will be more than l
can meet. l could now, of course,
get little chores to do around
town, enough for necessary funds
to buy the records, etc, tut before
another year the government may
require me to buy marble-top
center table, and two or three
paintings by the old masters, in
order to give the popular amount
Of terror to the United States cri-
minals. This would compel me
to 20 without n new overcoat and
unurrclothes, of which | am sadly
in peed. / had hoped that with
the financial prosperity of the past
year there would be one case, at
least, for examination, for which
| could realize $6 or 81, and which
would ease this branch of the De
partnent of Justice porarily,
but have been disappointed all
the way through. l could squeeze
along without the overcoat in
order to get the required record
this winter, but the underclothes
/ feel as if / ought to have.
| might die suddenly while on
the bench and it would sound
harshly if the telegraphic dispatch
We're TO state that when the post
murtem was held the jury
found verdict that the United
States commissioner had died
from exposure and a temporary
stagnation Of underclothes.
Our winters here are quite
severe, and if the Department of
Justice should some day require
me in my official capacity to buy
All upright piano and keep it on
file, | would have to clothe my
SEX in my answering integrity
and pair of gold. bowed eye
glasses.
There is no question about the
air If Cheerfulness that a piano
would give 10 my Office, especially
if some lady were TO be tried on
some charge or another, for she
could bang nm overture out Of the
instrument while waiting for the
United States attorney to come,
and it would help him kill time,
but the court would either have to