Eagle River Democrat. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1893-1896, 1896-05-18
FACTS AND FANCIES.

| An old woman once came to my shop
| to buy a bowler hat for the ''old man.
| as she called her husband. / inquired
| what sized hat he wore, and. after some
| thinking, she gave the following answer:
Indeed, now, | forgot to ask him,
| but it's sixteen and half he wears in
! collars, and his head is a lot bigger |
knows London Answers.
| De Tanque-"You don't take enough
exercise for a man of your habits
Old Soak-''Why, | have been shaking
dice for drinks all the afternoon. Phil
| adelphia Record.
Passenger-"Say captain, how far are
we still from land?''
Captain About two nautical miles. "
Passenger-"But we cannot see land
anywhere. In what direction does it
lie?"
Captains Straight below us'-Das
Wippchen.
An Anxious Time-'Well, here's some
thing new, anyway. Doctors are now
prescribing ice cream as medicine
"Bless me, don't let my wife know it.
She'll never know another day of
health"
Patient -''That advertisement of yours
is not very encouraging"
Dentist-"Why so? [ guarantee to
extract teeth without pain"
Patient-"Yes; but | want the pain ex-
tracted. I'd rather keep the TOOTH
A Quarrelsome Fellow-Brown-'E Ever
see such quarrelsome character as
Smith,"
Jones-"Never. I think he'd provoke
even a professional pugilist into tight"
Irksome Ike-"Say,. Sammie, how'd
yer like to be an angelo
Sam1 Fewcloze-'N Not er bit. Think
of the work it'd take to keep yer wings
fappin' .'-Up-tO-Date.
Shelves, / am deceived in her;
was mislead by her protestations Of
friendship
-''What has she done?''
She-sBought a cloak and hat just like
mine.'
WHERE THEY DIFFERED.
II am dead gone on you" said he.
She briefly answered: Nit
Proud one cried he, you'll rue the day
1 got the icy mitt."
Indianapolis Journal
7 hear ey you Ia are going to marry wild
''You have got things mixed. / am
going to marry $4,000 with a widow at
tached to it"-NeW York Evening
World.
At a soiree musicale a lady who is in
the habit of singing off the key addressed
| Nlassenet, the composer: Dear macs
tro, have been requested to sing the
grand ARIA from the 1ClQ. You nave no
idea how frightened / am.
mot as much as I am,'' replied the
composer, with a sickly smile Musical
Age.
.There is not much in name, per-
haps, STILL said a young Sunday school
teacher, sit did give me a turn last Sun
day when | asked a boy in my class how
many apostles there were to have him
look up and reply carelessly: oh, a
dozen or so.
Aunt Dorothy-"How many command
ments are there, Johnny?'' Johnny
| (glibly)-"T Aunt Dorothy "And
now, suppose you were to break one of
them p John tentatively Then
there'd be nine. Amusing Journal.
What / know about bicycle riding
said Scorchleigh, would fill a good-sized
volume
What you don't know about it, said
the policeman who arrested him for
running down an old lady, would fill
q good-sized cemetery
ARTISTIC LONGING.
The balmy winds of April sweet,
Like rich and sparkling wine,
Awaken to keenest ecstacy
These drOWsy nerves of mine;
And fan my forehead while | seek
The nearest book beer sign.
Cleveland Post.
Teacher-"Where is the capital of
Great Britain Thomas?'
Thomas Most of it's in this coun-
try. Chicago Record.