Gloucester County Democrat. (Woodbury, N.J.) 1878-1932, 1896-05-21
NUMBER Al
GEMS OF QUICK WIT.
HAPPY ANSWERS WORTHY or A
PLACE IN LITERATURE.

Old WitticisDls Which Are a. Good Today
A. When They Were First Put Forth.
GoodIy Share.
Mr. Samuel Weller's memorable evi-
dence at a certain breach of promise
trial IL probably a record for the
greatest number Of happy answers in the
shortest time, but there are authenti-
Gated instances of actual utterances
which certainly rival them in brilliance
and appropriateness The law courts, as
may be imagined, furnish their full
quota, but many ARE, perforce, unappre-
ciable by those unacquainted with the
technicalities or the "arg0t" Of the TO-
rum. Still. Lambs chatting description
Of friend's maiden brief al the first
v great cause least understood u in
I comprehensive enough, as is the quiet.
Y acqulescent That il sO, my lord, :" W
/ the barrister TO whom an irate Judge
had just observed, iii can't give YOU
Y brains, Mr.. So-and-so" " II. myself.
4 have two small manors, my lord, . said
\ very lll bred, pompous counsel, ID IL
\ Iustrate a question Of property law.
\ i've all know that, Mr.. Kewsey," +" OBJ
served the judge with suave courtesy,
and a smile Of delight ran round the
assembled bar. Look at me, sir, and
attend to what I shall ask You, thun-
\ dered learned counsel whose unfortu-
nate 'hOmeliness' Of feature Had gain
I ed him the sobriquet Of the Yelled
\ Prophet. This j. an English court, n
Y rejoined the witness quietly, "and YOU
have no right to impose torture before
putting the question N
Prisoners, too, have a fair proportion
/ Of happy answers" credited to them.
I OF these perhaps the best known are
/ that Of man who, when asked if he
\ pleaded guilty or not guilty, Z" replied
Z that he couldn't say till he had heard
the evidence, and the naive response of
V the prisoner to the usual question before
/ the sentence, Have you anything to
4 say, prisoner, before sentence il pr3-
7 nOunced upon you?" cts verv kind of
\ your honor, and if it's quite agreeable
TO the court / should like To say Good
! evening On one occasion counsel in
q certain drainage case submitted that
the plaintiffs, the Sewage Localization
i company, had mo locus standi' in this
court Heaven f0rbidI' was the fer
vent ejaculation Of the learned judge
4 Something akin To this was the answer
of the judge when complaint was made
that luckless process server had been
\ compelled 10 swallow the writ lie had
eDdeavored to serve. II hope, said his
lordship gravely, ''that the writ was
not made reunable i'll this court y
The happy answers, owing their
Y point t0 Biblical or ecclesiastical allu-
siOus, are still more numerous. but in
many cases are somewhat too audacious
for print He IL a regular st. Paul"
was the final eulogy made by an enthu-
siastic friend Of u certain needy clergy
man whose chronic impecunositv had
brought him into painfully frequent fa-
miliarity with the various processes Of
/ the law for the recovery Of debts.
YES. said the bishop, whose assist
ance was being solicited, quite ".
see-'in prisons oftr" The pardonable
but injudici1us enthusiasm Of some cler-
gymen over their musical services has
given rise to many smart sayings, which
are, ut any rate, tben trOvato. " None,
/ perhaps, Is better than the familiar one
of the eXasperated visitor who. after be-
ing made to listen III torment to Gre
gorian chants cruelty murdered, was
told that according to tradition those
chants owed their origin to King David
himself The visitor, rendered reckless
by his misery, rctOrted that he had Of
ten wondered why Saul threw that jaw
elm Ut the royal psalmist. but he quite
understood it now.
"a carewCrn divine IL reported to have
said i'll reply tn the ecstatic declaration
of an intending Benedict that nothing
ill the world beats " good wife, "Oh,
yes, q bad husband often does, and
vice versaI' One would like To have
known the schoolgirl who, i'll reply to
her brothers jecrs and inquiry, why
girls should TIKI always kissing each 9TH
er ana men not?" said that, IF course,
it was because girls had nothing better
tO kiss ana mon had-but perhaps she
studied the question too deeply and de-
vel0ped into the fair cynic who, after
season or two of ccnquests, gave it as
her opinion that men We're like colds,
very easy tO catch and very hard t0 get
rid Of. Few better things are recorded
than The answer of Beacanstield To the
question how Ivy felt after the change
from the stormy scenes Of the commons
t0 the serene atmosphere of the lords
7 "Feelr' answered the statesman. Il
4 feel a. though i were dead and buried,
and then, noticing for the first time
that his questioner was a peer, he add
ed, with q charming smile and bow,
"and among the blessed spirits Of the
great and good This adroit recovery
from an unfortunate slip recalls the fa-
miliar story of the prince regent and
the officer 0f marines iii those brave
old days Of free drinking the empty bot
ties which gathered apace We're styled
marines, M fur what reason lit H. hard
to say. The prince called to a servant
and bade him ''clear away those ma
rincs. =" All officer Of that distinguished
I kI4 li1 VIII Mel lfAA1NLAl ANi-tAAlNAA AAA- III
servation ~ being-t0 adopt the phrase
ology Of Mr.. WelIer's mottle faced friend
personal t1 Tho cloth, n and request
ed an explanation my dear colonel, ["
said his royal highness, with winning
courtesy. "I called them marines BE-
cause, like your fellows, they've done
their duty and are ready To do it again. h
The apt replies III the language of com
pliment claim a literature Of their own,
but one must serve pour indiquer les
autres " 1--WE shall never forget you.
said a queen Gf society To one of her
subjects who was making his adieus.
your ladyship has now given me the
only inducement not to return Lon
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