The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1896-11-19
a MAN WE ALL KNOW.
Tho One Who Eat. IIims,if Sick ana
Thinks lie Il Dylnr, ~

Thinks lie II Dying.
Chicago Record: PARKER lives at no.
tel and occasionally. after no has
roted In broiled lobster, fried plgB
feet. pudding with brandy sauce, leo
cream, foreign cheese and kIln.drlGd
sauSaBes, no pays u serious penalty
lie cxperlcnccH n plain case OF stom-
nch.nche, complicated by headache.
During his ailllCtlon ho has the hotel
terrorized. When Parker In taken down
with ono OF his attacks" Robertson
always goes to see him and tries to Of
fer consolation and advice.
RObCEtiOn Knows very well that Par
kOr Ia not going to die, lIc Inns seen his
friend go through dozen OF these tan
trums, so he never becomes alarmed
and he never pays any attention to
what Parker sayH.
II IL well for him that he docs not
for Parker IL q Wild man rs long as the
stOmach.ache lasts,
One morning last week Robertson
heard from Quaklng bellbOy that
Parker was about to expire. 80 he went
to the room on the fourth floor and
there he found Parker colled on tfSS
bed, his cont, vest and shoes removed,
his right hand spread on the stomach
region and his head buttcd madly Into
a soft pillow.
Hello. Parker" said Robcrtson.
"Oh-h-h-h, darnl OH"
"Stomnch-nchc again, eh?"
"How's that? Stomach? Oh. no.
Can't you SEQ I amt suffering? oh,
my!"
"Hcadachc. too?"
"No. Il feels goS.l. Can't you see I'm
feel hrst.raieT LoGs my head ache7
OOh-h-h-hl"
Don't you think you'd feel better II
you sat up?"
"oh-h, certainly Why don't you tell
me to get up nud riUc the wheel? That
would be funny, too. What DO you
think I'm dOin' this for, 70 entertain
what can l do for your"
what can anybody do for me7 Lis
ton to that! Go get an ax and hit me In
thr head. Push that bell there. will
you? Oh-h-hl"
Robertson pushed the electric button
and then came back and sat facing the
invalid.
Can you eat anythInG2" he asked.
"Ycs, certainly. Just had two sponge
cakes and u gallon OF lemonade. Eat
anythIng2 look like Il man that wants
to eat, don't l? ouch! Ooh. Oh. darn
my stomach. Uh!"
"WhCrG does /, pain you the most?"
Nowhere! You don't think I'm In
pain, do you2"
There was tlmld knock ut the door
and Parker yelled. Come I'M"
The bellboy slipped In softly and
asked. did you rIng?"
Parker sat up on the bed and glared
at the boy, who began TO tremble.
How long does It take electricity to
trnVcl?" asked Parker
"Euh?" from the boy.
"Huh? When I push this button up
here. does It take twenty minutes for
the bell to ring down staIrs?"
81 don't know. sir"
'"You don't know? How does Il hap
pen that you come up here at Gll?"
The clerk sent me up"
"Oh, he did, did he? Well. you tell
that clerk that when ring l want
somebody 10 come here the same day.
Do you understand"
YES. SIR"
well. what Is 1t I told you to tell
h!m?"
"Why-thas when you" The boy
became confused and was unable to say
any more.
That's right" exclaimed Parker.
| you've got Il great memory"
"Oh. leave the boy alone" said Rob-
crtson, interfering as mildly as he
could.
"Tll have to write It out" snarlcd
Parker. Say. II you can remember It,
iii you get down stairs. tell that cheap
cIerl; to send Into the drug store and
get me u small bottle OF Jamaica gin
ger"
Eyes, sir. !s that all?" asked the boy.
| moving toward the door, as II anxious
| to escape.
Then when you get that you go and
Jump down the elevator SHAFT" Having
thus delivered himself Parker p!ow-
ed his head Into the pillow once more.
| kicked C9nvulsIvely and let out one
long, lingering, Quavcr!rg Groan eN-
| prcssivc OF the most Intense agony.
Then he fioppsd over on the bed.
threw one OF the pillows into the air
and began TO sing IN 4 husky. trem-
bling voice:
BE It ever so hum-bul.
There's ro-hO place like home"
After this he put his head under the
pillow and lay very quiet Tor several
moments, apparently 10 induce Rob-
ertsOn to believe that the end had
come.
Robertson had to put his hand to his
face 10 keep from snickerlng.
"Is that boy here yct?" came voice
from under the pillow.
NO. not yet"
oh - In-mImtrm t.arn.mmm-
stomach-Oh-h-h-h, Oh. my! Oh-h-h-h
h-hn' These and similar sounds, very
muc mutiled, came from under te pill
| low.
There was another tap at the door
and Robertson ventured TO say Come
| IN.
II was the chambermaId.
She came half way into the room
and then said very tImidly: II Won
dered II Mr.. Parker wanted me TO tidy
up the room for him"
IN ask him." said Robertson. Par
|. kcr! ! say. Parker"
Parker still had the pillow over his
head and he pretended not to hear. This
| frightened the Ccambermaid, who said,
"Parker!"
What the dickens do yOu WANT" He
| came out from under the pillow very
| suddenly, his hair rumpled In all dircc-
| lions. When he saw the Chambernaid
standing at the doorway he gave her
such ferocIOus look that she was start
| led and began to back away.
THE girl wants to know II she can
clean up the room little"
''l don't care what she does said
Parker, striking himself in the stomach
| region with his fist. Tell her 70 70
| ahead and mako the bed and not mind
me. | don't s'pose I've got any right In
this room even If do pay for Il. have I?'
well, the girl simply wanted Ia
know"
you tell lIrr to come In and take up
the carpets II she wants TO. Dog-gonc
my old stomach. Ooh-h-h-h!"