Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-05-03
A NEW ENTERPRISE.

Mr.. Speaker-Pm worth two million
dollars. Own the fastest horses in my
State Was married in 1894. Was CO.
respondent twice. Just came over from
New York. | think this bill ought to
pass. If it does, I'll drink several times
to the health of each Of my constituents.
Where's my hat?"
This kind of oratory will not do very
well in office, and is worse yet in cam
paign. Men who are worth even mil
lion dollars or two, have run great risks
of defeat by not getting nice ready
made patriotic speech for $40.
The following will be found in my cir
cular letter:
LIST OF SPEECHES.
1. Higr protection with delicate
statesmanlike touch Of the money cues
ton without saying anything about it
Mckinley style.
. Protective tariff, slightly silvered-
Allison style.
3. Protective tariff with a gold lining
Sherman style.
4. Any kind of anything that's want
ed-a style very common among candl-
dates.
5. Tariff for revenue, silver mounted
Crisp style.
6. Tariff for revenue only, 24-caret
gold nameled-Cleveland style.
7. Free and unlimited coinage OF sill
yer with gold syndicate and duck hunt
ing jokes-Tillman or Wolcott style.
S.,Single standard with quotations
from Pierpont Morgan-Carlisle or
Quay style.
9. Any OF the above with an eloquent
plea for Cuba.
10. The same with hands off senti-
ment.
Numbers Z and s, as yet. are chiefly
longitudinal and can be used with either
Democrat or Republican flavor.
APPLICATION FOR Sc CAMPAIGN.
Gill the Blanks)
Name .......... ................ ..........'.'..
State .............. ...'......'.'... '''''''''''
Pontics ........'.''..'. .'.''''''''''''' '''''''
Business ............ .................. ..''...'
Wealth .. mn
Made ............ .............. .....'''Vo'VVvVV
Inherited ........ .'''''.''' 0o 100
Married .:.....;.. $1,000 '''''--''''''OV'VV'
Candidate for what ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Grade of Intellect
superb .......s...... ..''''''''''''
Medium .............. ........'''. '''''''''''
Light and frivolous ...........'..'.'''''.'
None whatever ............;:'. ..'''''''''''
Glass of speech from above list. ......;......
Which will win most votes, scriptural quo
tations or low-neclk jokes?. ...............
Inclosed herewith. check for $40.
Very truly,
For every fragrant egg episode Will
refund one dollar, so long as there are
any of the ten individual dollars IN my
possession.
Will give full marginal notes as to
tears, attitudes, gestures, ETC., and
whether to put hand on heart or pock-
etbook.
Will also keep on hand, in connec-
ton with this, an assortment of good
Jokes and stories 10 tell in the beer gar
dens, on the street, and at Sunday
schools during the campaign, along
with some valuable directions as to the
manner of smiling and shaking hands;
also some pertinent remarks on every
trade and profession, so the gun will be
loaded for all kinds of game. For in
stance-"Glad to meet you. Glad to
meet you. Always glad to meet a
farmer. Wish | was farmer; but you
know we all can't be farmers. Making
hay l suppose. Goly! wish | could be
out in the hay. Say, if l can get off
some day, I'll come out and help you.
BY George, III do it! I'm not afraid
of sweat. Now don't be surprised.
Have me plenty of buttermilk and on
ions. Good byew
Something like this will appear in
my ready-made speeches:
Ladies and gentlemen and fellow-cit-
liens: 1t is with much pleasure that l
meet the citizens of this beautiful city
on this occasion. l feel that its indus
tries. its wealth, its culture, its schools
and it's churches would, any OF them, be
worthy of a much better speech than l
am able to make.
Sickness in my dear little home has
kept me from giving this address much
attention, and / come before you to-
night with but little preparation; but
with the inspiration of duty and spirit
of gratefulness to that great party
which is striving to make us all happy
and prosperous citizens; for, to make
us, every one, prosperous and independ-
ent is the heaven-born mission OF our
party, whose principles will, in course
OF time, Undue every true American
heart. Stop for applause).
| will admit that with but little
preparation" is hardly the right term
except as to language; for I've hardly
been able to sleep for thinking of the
great principles of our great party, and
can't see how any laboring man can
take time to rest when these principles
should be taught in every home, every
shop and in every farm yard. Even
the horses should know these great
truths and would quickly see that they
were the only principles for the labor
ing man. Stop for applause and look
grave as a corrugated mule).
Then would follow the record Of the
party and now and then a pertinent
Joke or a touching story of the impo-
tency and perfidy of the opposite party,
and so on and so on.
This sample introduction could be
used for either party. Often whols
partisan speeches could be used by the
opposite party by changing the proper
Republican" or vice versa.
So far as the money question is con-
cerned the speeches of the two parties
in the coming campaign from all ap-
pearances, may yet have nothing to
distinguish them except the personnel
of the background of the speakers plat
form and the partisan ring OF the names
of great statesmen.
wish the parties would get straight
ened out pretty soon on the money
question, so that Mckinley and l, and
others. will know just what to believe.