The morning times., 1896-11-01

IN principal thesis Tor tilS
IL W Sundays huuIiIy. There
are, no wevcr, some things
sn the Grip-car OF this train that should
De- eluddated by way of preface before
we proceed To the Illumination of the
main subject.
First OF All. We would inform the public
that untI! Tuesday night we shall be ab-
rrnt on our regular quadrennial vacation on
Salt River and the adjacent creeks Our
Itinerary viii consist principally of going
there aud getting back. although Oh Tues
day we VIII assist at the inquest over the
Middle West Ii viii be one of the largest
functions of the season.
There were only ten million people on
the excursion TO gay Parcc when the Isar
and La TZiganc visited that town Tick
cts for the inquest over the MidGlc West
have lcen issued already 10 the number of
uirty million. exclusive of those from the
District Of Columbia, of which we are u
unit of value. On Tuesday evening at
O'Clock ii is proposed that Caesar shall lie
in state. as he has lied in fact, until the ar
rval of the coroner from the Solid South
SOME BEFOREHAND THOUGHTS.
Secondly, before entering cur Dirchbark
canoe for the outing On salt River. We thiuL
II dYe Ia those who admit the sworn circu-
tatioh of this page 10 tell exactly where
We stand III this election. Whcn speaking
OF the gold dollar no W and then our remarks
have necessarily taken on the hue of the
harechal Nell, and as TO the gold dollar
itself, il WAS its chronic distance from tie
writer that lent u ats euchHntnicut and
fobcd the mountain, etc, etc As to tie
Silver dollar, we find that we have been in
error. after reading private note from w
Jay himself, with Il postscript relating To
our con-ulShp.
". j avs that FIfty-Three cents DO not
make i dollar, any more than the present
half dollar makes a dollar without the as
sistance of the two necessary quarters.
THE remaining forty-sevcn cents 1--WE
quote VIII be coined INTO TWO subsidiary
cons tGf the Constitution, of tie drnomi-
nation Of tweut y-tIlree ana Z half cents
each. which VIII constitute the change and
the personal and melaI!.c cquat ion Thus
instead of making three pieces Of thirty
three and third cents each 10 make dol
lar, II Will consist Of merel : one large piece
and the two smaller pieces or quarters
Just as present
''P. $. How would you like tie consul
ship L" peu VCl"n'c. Costa I,iCa-
In view Of these facts we now announce
in caps that We are for SOUND EGGS.
We have always stood on sound eggs The
way we manage to perform This tIicG is a
pUrchaSahle c"u.mod!ty-
Tins statement Is due the public. In TACT.
it Is overdue. We intended to make IT two
weeks aga. hut II has teen held II the city
post"fflce for insufficient postage Our
regular messenger to the postOffice went
off on q few da yS' leave Of absence at the
inn
ais" overdue. The new boy reports for
duty only once every TWO weeks. and hence
the perfectly creased and automatic char
acter Of our public and private business.
In lieu Of an apology for the latcncss of
our political platform, we iteratc in caps
that We are for SOUND EGGS. regardless Of
the c...:sequeHccs We refer 10 eur record
since So to show what we have consist
emily opposed the free and unlimited issue
OF fiat eggs or any other kind Of egg that
is ovcr,lu" at tie public hurying grounds
OF either Kentucky or Illinois,
-'rv.lA ss,n,s,' II M So" lcn arkcd "n
passant. Is RE receutmost issue Of this
campaign
Late events have given literally q bad
odor 10 the campaign or, in other words,
the crime of '73 has been smelling to
heaven and the police OF CUvington and
Chicago for vengeance. Indeed. as the gods
or the bleacherS use 10 slv. tn" Wa thcy
play ball when Mr.. Bryan and Mr.. Carlisle
are at the bat is rotten. Nevcr before in
the history OF any country has il appeared
to be one of its however remote, prob
abilities that any man should be obliged
IL deodorize before taking the oath of
office.
PROOF AGAINST EGGS. -
1t is with corresponding pleasure that
the news comes direct from Canton that
the target cut there has provided itself
with helmet. cuirass. and the rest of
the suit OF steel armor in order to smile
superior smile against any possible,
eggs on whch the ,sestage has remained
unpaid for "a period of more than twelve
months.
Washington has now only two days
in which 10 accept the invitation to-
get in on the ground floor of our platform
of sound eggs, most of which have been
laid among the olive branches for this
unparalleled offer. This is Sunday. not
Easter Sunday, but Sound Egg Sunday. n
day for general reconciliation and hedg-,
ing Oh whatever small sums Of money
that have been borrowed from the iii
by clerks on 81 week to bet on Little
Billy from Nebraska or on the other
Billy with the military trimmings.
Heretofore we have endeavurcd to ex-
plain To the contentious Washington pub
lie the futility OF making the dispute be-
tween the two Williams personal mat
ter. especially the dodgers on the Ameri-
can plan in the city's boarding houses.
And' vet, notwithstanding the sworn circu-
lation If this page there is very little
left OF the aggregate hair Of sundry of our
citizens. male and female.
The latest political terrlinoloGy is some
thing which it will take the pulpit ten
years TO revise and make fit for publica-
ton. The other day We saw two local
pothouse politicians arguing. We say
SAW advisedly, because they were ar.