Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1896-12-11
CURSED WITH AVAILABILITY.
Plaint OF the Shiftless Man Who
Lives with an Angel.

get a woman with the sweetest dis
position that ever smoothed the
wrinkles out of the brow Of care. The
result is that ! am lazy, shiftless,
goodfor-nothing, unknown to fame
and in debt to the grocer. In fact, |
am the kind of man who shufiies
around with his hands in his pockets
and an old corncob pipe sticking out
of the northeast corner of his mouth,
too durn happy and contented to get
out of the way of runaway team if it
happens to be coming in my direction
runs a story in Truth.
When l see a rich man, a successful
man, or famous man | say to myself:
Now that fellow had the luck to get
nagging wife. He had to hustle just
to keep his mind from misery" Talk
about genius. It's all rot. It's a
nagging wife that does the business
every time. l could instance num-
ber of cases, but l don't want to give
the poor, suffering great men Of my
country away.
If had only been provided with a
wife who would call me an internal
ass about 'steen times day, pitch my
pipes and tobacco into the street,
make me comb my hair waylay me
with rolling pin every time I came
back from a political or other dis
cussion at the postoffice, l might in
time amount to something. AS it is,
look at me, or rather look the other
way.
When do occasionally take pen in
hand and do little work my wife in
sists that the product is the best
literature ever furnished to the Ameri-
can public. Every time l write any
thing she assures me it is the best
thing l ever wrote, and one time she
even insisted that my penmanship was
improving. / tried to get her to
change the formula once by copying
out of the multiplication table and
offering it to her as a specimen of my
burning genius. But she didn't see
the joke at all. On the contrary, she
earnestly declared that it was far bet
ter than anything I had ever written
before.
And so it goes with everything else.
She is just as we'll contented with
candles as electric lights, with calico
as silk, and with pebbles as diamonds
although l will admit that she hasn't
had much experience with diamonds
yet. l have begged her on my knees
to get mad at me and find fault with
me. I have pointed out to her what l
might become if she would only act as
other mems wives do. But she is in
corrigible. l have convinced her of
the fact that it is all her fault that l
amount to nothing. She meekly
acknowledges the error OF her ways
and says she cannot help it.
Not long ago tried to startle her
into making some kind of a protest at
a more than usually insane PROPOSE
ton of mine. 1 went home in a
pretended hurry one day and told her
to pack up Immediately, as intended
starting for the north pole and taking
her and the baby along with me.
She was delighted and began pack
ing up at once. And that night when
she was putting baby to bed over.
heard her saying to our future presi.
dent:
"Would inns blessed heart like to
play with the little icebergs?" TIC
which the baby replied:
1etn, ma am, VIII tunnlng nttIe
baby icebergs."
The next morning 1 informed hel
that I had abruptly changed my plan:
and that l intended to start for the
equator instead.
"Oh," she said, that will be ever sc
much more delightful. And it won't
cost nearly as much for clothes and
food, and you, poor, dear boy, yor
won't have to work nearly so hard
will your"
l give it up.
What are you going to do with 8
woman like that?