Eagle River Democrat. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1893-1896, 1896-05-18
HEAT AND ITS MISERIES.
Bah Argues that Satan is the Only
One.Who Appreciates a
Thermometer.

One.Who Appreciates
Thermometer.
New York, April Boon very cold
days in winter we sing hymn describing
the joys of heaven as consisting princi-
pally of never-ending music and sum-
mer weather The writer of that hymn
never lived in New York. Summer
weather in New York means sun Oh both
sides of the street; it means absolutely
no getting away from the fiery rays,
and it means general depravity. The
only reason why every one OF us doesn
kill his neighbor during the hot days
is because some eXertiOn would be re
quired, and then, too, the blood would
look hot That is the only why-for
When the thermometer is at 50 IN the
shade, every man is every mans enemy,
and every woman hates every woman
with an intensity that can only De appre-
ciated by Satan.
The messenger boy who answers your
call has his cap cooked on the back OF
his head, and exudes heat. He quar-
rels with you about the tariff, and pres
ents of oranges or apples have no effect
but he says another; and he is grumpy
and disagreeable, doubts your being
perfect lady, and fully believes that the
place of punishment intended for people
who want errands run is Hot, spelled
with a capital III. The elderly lady who
walks Broadway, with a tiny black silk
parasol between her and the sunshine,
wonders that she feels so wicked, Her
broad back is covered with black alpaca;
and all black materials absolutely Sc
duce sun rays to come and rest upon
them. She wears mitts, and goes into
the big shops, retires to the ladies' par
lor. SO that she may have an opportunity
to use her starch bag. She doesn't be-
lieve in "boughten powder" Her mode
of preparing the cooling stuff is to bang
the starch with a potato-masher until it
is fine powder, and pour Florida wa
ter over it, and then, when it is dry,
put it in flannel bag This is her ref
uge in trouble. When the perspiratior
streams down her face, she stops the
liquid warmth by dabs with the starch
bag, and she looks, after she has used
the starch bag without a mirror. like
study in red and white, the red underlay-
ing the white, while the white rapidly
becomes lumpy. She would lose her
complexion altogether, but when she gets
home, limp and with no faith in any
thing, with a doubt even as to the truth
of the Westminster catechism, she takes
q cup Of hot tea to brace her up; this
brings about prOfuse perspiration,
perspiration which mmounts to a rain
storm, and the dear old soul is saved,
mentally and morally, while she drips
of the elevator boy. Yesterday he was
deeply interested in novel called "The
Queen of Rubies, or, Who Was She?"
But today he does not care continental
dam q spell it without the n, he spells
it WITH, whether she was typewriter
or a manicure but he knows he hates
everybody. He wonders if there is a
hereafter He thinks he is getting his
taste Of it now, riding up and down in
a hall room by the power of steam.
Civility and he are unknown qualities.
He wonders why he was ever born, and
why, if he had to be born, he was fool
enough to be born in a country where
the weather man gives you August heat
in April and March winds in July. You
can't tip him into pleasantness. The
heat has affected him so that all he hopes
for is a sudden disappearance of him
self into the poetical wave, that washes
the shores, and makes one acquainted
with the dirt that comes from New
York to Coney island.
He despises the girl that went up in
the elevator a little while ago. She
looked cool He heard her telling her
sister her method for keeping cool, and
he wondered how it would work if she
had to wear heavy blue clothes with
gold braid and gold buttons on them.
She said: 81 first take very hot bath,
and then, after the usual drying process,
| powder myself with the very best
French powder. No, no starch for me.
Then l put on the lightest OF underwear,
a silk skirt and a shirt waist. l am
wise enough to have a sensible waist
measurement; it is twenty-four, blythe
by. and so [ am not drawing belt IN
and making my face as red as possible.
1t always amuseS me to think about the
women who lace; the judgment is SO
certain and so sure. They not only get
the red of their nose is the kind that
comes to stay. Oh, anybody can be
cool if they want to-" 1t was only the
electrocution, that beastly effect that
prevented the elevator boy from killing
her outright, for everybody cannot be
cool.
Talk about women being slaves of
fashiOn-that'S nonsense. Poor, be-
nighted man doesn't dare put on a straw
hat. no matter how hot the weather is,
until a certain date has come about.
And the consequence is that poor, be-.
nighted man is hot. Hot with ven
geance. Hot as the hottest worker in
he makes everybody in his home more
uncomfortable. The family wonder
what is the matter with father. This
is the matter. AS father is a fool like
most other men, he does not suit his
clothes to the thermometer, and he is
wearing a stiff shirt, heavy waistcoat,
equally heavy trousers, an ordinary win
ter coat and high silk hat And that
he doesn't turn into grease spot is only
because the gentleman who reigns in
the regions down below has other little
terrors waiting for him.
The woman of fashion doesn't have an
easy time when the hot days come. She
must live up to her reputation for fine
dressing, and it doesn't please her when
she realizes that drops of water, those lit
tie drops so affectionately sung about, are
slowly but surely travelling over. her
cheeks, and making rather confused
mess of the rouge and the powder and
the blue lines that she has so carefully
arranged. She doesn't look well unless
She has few soft curls OH her forehead,
and no matter how closely they are
curled, this peculiar weather (decency
compels me to call it by no stronger
nance knocks out all curls except those
that nature has arranged. Stiff collars
will grow limp, satin stocks lose all their
dignity, and frills Of lace have a droopy
look that is demoralizing. The woman
of fashion prefers the cold weather.
Ill bo 70 no nil ;oJ