The news boy., 1896-05-23
THE CELIBATE CLUB,
BY W. j. LAMPTON,


"Women," remarked Jack Forest,
"are the bane of bachelor civilization" :"
Woman is woe personified," re-
marked Arcturus Organ, known as the
star bachelor of the combination.
IF I had choice of all things on
earth" said John Temple, II would
choose woman last"
what in thunder are they here for?
inquired Will King.
ION one she smiles, and he is blcst,"
scornfully quoted Frank Park, and
added, "and then she smiles on all the
rest"
"Fellew sufferers" said I, Thomas
Tommington, by superiority of age and
experience chief of the Celibate Coterie,
heartily coinciding with the individual
and aggregate opinions just expressed,
permit me to offer the following reso-
lutions:
whereas, Woman, by her continued ac-
tions, shows that she is in favor of the utter
determination of bachelors; and
whereas, Woman on all occasions and
at all times expresses her adherence of
Oachelors as such: and
Whereas, Woman has no use for q man
unless she can lead him around by the nose;
and
Whereas, Woman is constantly on the
,ookous s,oS Tor that kind Of ntan with that
klno OF nose; and
Whereas, Woman believes that man was
provided with nose simply as handle for
her to take hold of; and
Whereas, Woman thinks she owns the
earth, and the men thereof; and
whereas, She was never more mistaken
IN her life: therefore be II
Resolved that we whose signatures are
hereto appended do hereby assert our man
hood and hurl defiance in her teeth; and
Resolved, That we entirely ignore the
existence OF all womankind; and
Resolved, That we do solemnly pledge
ourselves to throw OF the female yoke,
to trample beneath our feet the fetters
woman would forge upon US. to assert and
maintain that We are one and indivisible,
and that henceforth and forever we will
neither marry any woman nor be mar
Tied by her."
AS might have been expected, these
resolutions We're received with vocif-
erous applause, and the meeting of the
CeIibate club became so hilarious that
three babies on the floor below and
seven on the floor above were aroused
from their angel slunbers, and soon
had awakened everybody else in the
building. After which we adjourned,
having been implored to do so by COM
mittee of IL married men, who assured
us that when we had children of
our own we could better understand
their feelings in the matter.
At this point, possibly, might ex-
plain that the gentlemen whose names
have been mentioned were unmarried
men, whose years numbered from 30
to so, who had been compelled by the
emergencies by which they had been
surrounded to take this means of de-
Tense. Ti.ey were all good men and
true, and when their word had been
given there was no power on earth
could break it.
We had formally resolved to be per-
petual bachelors, and that settled the
business.
And what feeling of exquisite rest
1t gave me! For years bad been fiat
tering women and paying court to
them and murmuring sweet nothinss
TO them, and sitting on damp piazzas
in the moonlight with them, and lolling
beneath the shade of summer resort
trees philosophizing on love, and hold
ing girls hands and spending my hard
earned savings to make maiden's holi-
day, and writing inane and vapid poems
to their drug store compilations and
their liquid blue or brown or gray eyes,
as the case might be, and SO on, ad in.
fnitum de disgustibusque.
Now and then, am willing to con-
: fess, found one who was really quite
irresistible, and became serious, only
to find, when some other chap came
around, how utterly irresponsible and
unreliable all women were. l confess
also, that such experiences were rather
3 unpleasant to my general feelings ard
gave me seasons of depression, not to
say gloom.
But with the coterie's resolutions
fixed In my mind felt a new strength
end began life all over again, and
with such an infinite sense of relief
that words are quite inadequate TO ex
press my state of mind.
For three months this blissful condi
tion continued, and then was thrown
from q horse and sustained injuries
I to the extent of q broken leg and mum
berless bruises. / had ordered myself
to be taken to the hospital. where al
good bachelors go when they are i'll, but
= cousin Of mine, a fine fellow, excep1
that he was married, issued orders u
the contrary and took me home will
him. There I was fxsd up in roya
Z utSlc, and his wife took charge Of mi
with such motherly solicitudc that
csasod to ggowl about not going to th'