The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1896-05-21
THE CELIBATE CLUB.


Women" remarked Jack Forest,
''are the bane of bachelor civilization '
Woman is woe personitied," re
marked Arcturus Organ, known as the
star bachelor of the combination.
"If l had choice of all things on
earth" said John Temple, Il woultl
choose woman last"
What in thunder are they here for
inquired VIII King.
ION one she smiles, and he is blest,
scornfully quoted Frank Park, and
added, land then she smiles ON all the
rest"
Fellow sufferers said I, Thomas
bennington, by superiority of age and
experience chief of the Celibate Cotcrie,
heartily coinciding with the individual
and aggregate opinions just expressed,
'permit me to offer the following reso-
buttons:
Whereas Woman, by her continued ac-
lions, shows that she is in favor of the utter
determination of bachelors; and
Whereas, Woman on all occasions and
al all times expresses her adherence of
bachelors as such: and ..--..--.
Whereas, Woman is constantly on the
lookout for that kind of d man with that
kind of nose; and
Whereas, Woman believes that man was
provided with nose simply as a handle for
her to take hold of; and
Whereas, Woman thinks she owns the
earth, and the men thereof; and
Whereas, She was never more mistaken
In her life. therefore be it
Resolved that we whose signatures are
hereto appended do hereby assert our man
hood ana hurl defiance in her teeth; and
Resolved, That we entirely ignore the
existence of all womankind; and
Resolved, That we do solemnIy pledge
ourselves to throw off the female yoke,
to trample beneath our feet the letters
woman would forge upon u.s. to assert and
maintain that we are one and indiVsible
and that henceforth and forever we will
neither marry any woman nor be mar
ried by her."
AS might have been expected, these
resolutions We're received with vocif-
erous applause, and the meeting of the
Celibate club became so hilarious that
three babies on the floor below ana
seven on the floor above were aroused
from their angel slumbers, and soon
had awakened everybody else in the
building. After which we adjourned.
hd' lll9 bCOIl III IJlOl ca " w So Nv IL COHl-
mittee of II married men, who assured
US that when we had children of
our own we could better understand
their feelings in the matter.
At this point, possibly, might ex-
plain that the gentlemen whose names
have been mentioned were unmarried
men, whose years numbered from 35
to so, who had been compelled by the
emergencies by which they had been
surrounded to take this means of de-
Tense. They were all good men and
true, and when their word had been
given there was no power on earth
could break it.
We had formally resolved to be per
petual bachelors, and that settled the
business.
And what a feeling of exquisite rest
II gave me! For years | bad been fiat
tering women and paying court to
them and murmuring sweet nothinas
10 them, and sitting on damp piazzas
in the moonlight with them, and loling
beneath the shade of summer resort
trees philosophizing on love, and hold
ing girls hands and spending my hard
earned savings to make a maidens holt
day, and writing inane and vapid poems
to their drug store compilations and
their liquid blue or brown or gray eyes,
as the case might be, and so on, ad in
firitum de disgustibusque
Now and then, I am willing to con-
fess, | found one who was really quite
irresistible, and L became serious, only !
to find, when some other chap came |
around, how utterly irresponsible and |
unreliable all women were. | confess.
also, that such experiences were rather
unpleasant to my general feelings and
gave me seasons of depression, not to
say gloom.
But with the coteries resolutions |
fixed in my mind felt new strength. |
and l began life all over again. and |
with such an infinite sense of relief |
that words are quite inadequate to ex.
press my state of mind.