The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1896-08-01
dait and 8umor.
That Blamed Telephone.
From the Washington star.

mo" said good natured Washing
ton man of about As to Star reporter.
''No, don't believe in modern science
for daily application. We don't need it.
We were, or eui ancestors rather were,
quite as well off as we are today, and what
did they know about modern scienee?
They didn't know as much as we do,
and just see how much they missed. con-
tended the reporter.
''But they were as happy and contented
as we are; more so, in many instances,
and there was that in the tone of the talk
er indicating that he had grudge against
science on purely personal grounds.
''Ahem eoughed the reporter, signify
ing wish or an inclination to ask ques
ton or two.
''Oh, you needn' be barking up the
tree for me, laughed the man. II
might as well tell you why in one partieu-
lar | don't like science. or, possibly, |
should say, one of the results of its appli-
cation. what is generally considered most
useful adjunct to our convenience refer
to the telephone, and | may say, in pas
sing, confound the telephone.
What has the telephone ever done to
YOU? asked the reporter, much surprised
at this unexpected attack.
''Let ME tell you, and though the man
looked solemn enough, he laughed. .'fou
may not know it, but | have a wife who
is as strict on the question of propriety as
any woman you ever heard of, and she
knows that at times | am not as proper as
should be. That is to say, she suspect
ed as much, and suspicion is almost the
same as fact with woman. She has
been in the habit of going away every
summer, leaving me in Charge of our house,
because my business viii not permit me to
leave except over Sunday. Of course,
when the cats away the mice will play,
and | confess that used to have the gang
come around to my house when the boss
wasn't home, and we had pretty good
times.
II used to send the servants away. and
we lad it all to ourselves. and we don
live in a row the neighbors eouldn, hear
what was going on. OF course my wife
never knew anything about it. for she was
too square a woman to come back un-
expeetedly to find out Well, last sum
mer when she went away got everything
ready and proposed to celebrate her de
parture in good style. And you bet we
did. We never had such time, and we
kept it up for four nights. suppose we
would have finished the week out, but on
the morning of the fifth day l received
letter from my wife that was revelation
and corker.
Ir that letter was not only list of the
names of my guests, but there was a great
deal of the actual conversation that had
taken place, the number of kinds of liquor
we had and even the ante and limit of the
game we played. 1t was simply horrify-
ing and didn' dare to try to lie out of
it, as | had done on other occasions, for
was sure she had witnesses to prove her
case. She was awfully nice about it,
though, and advised me to turn over
new leaf unless | wanted her to come home.
''0f course, l turned over new leaf,
and even went so far as to ak the mission
workers to come up and hold prayer meet
ings there, for didn' know what my wife
would do if she got started once At the
end of the week went over to Phiiadel-
phia, where she was stopping for two
weeks, and she greeted me with a smile.
She didn't even mention the discovery
she had made, but | did, and, after teas
ne me a long time, she agreed to tell me
in the fall if would be good boy, l
was afraid not to be, and when she came
back in September she showed me where
she had had telephone put in with
magnifying front hid in dark corner Tt
was fixed so it was ready for business all
the time, and all she had to do was to 90
to the long-distanee telephone Office any
where, hook into our house, and there
she had me. 1t was expensive, but con-
vincing, and now that she is onto me, l
have to be so confoundedly proper that it
becomes painful at times y
He sighed profoundly, and the reporter
extended his sympathy.