Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1896-03-22

PIE .....' 80. go. .,.l . . -l--i-l-.
Scarlet-Fever 80. \ -
Chicken-Pox ........ - -
Front Teeth 80. x \ -
Jaw Teeth .....,.
Green Apples ...... .....
49, ---- ------- X
Dyspepsia -. ..... ...,l =,
Mumps $500. ....l ] . -
-------
There are certainly Juvenile COM
nlaints-paregoric or no paregoric-whlch
nre bound to come, and the great ques-
ton Is. How, with family ever increas-
ing. can we keep the run of them all!
If Ezra becomes perforated with chicken
pox to-day. how are we to remember
IT, when Willie gets rubicund WIN
scarlet-fever Tomorrow, and Erastus
bowls over his jaw-teeth on the follow
ing day? And yet, II we don't remem-
her II, when scarlet-fever, mumps'
chicken-pox, or measles become pfeVa-
lent. we've got to keep the whole horde
of squrming, squalling, squeahhg'
wrfggling, writhing, wallowing hends
In the house, whereas, by reference 10
the check-mark on the chart, we note
that Ezra, Judith, and Grover are ex-
empt on account of having had the COM
plant, and therefore can be allowed 10
depredate at large upon the community.
The register-of-teeth feature of my chart
Is the part which has proved most popu-
lar. and I have most complimentary
letter from a prominent American states
man on this subject. Your 'front.' and
iaw-teeth features have been especially
useful TO me-" says he, land by refer
ence TO your chart. always know just
what to expect. In the future IL VIII
prove even more useful than now.
While the pie and green-apple COM
plaints are not contagious, stlll i've
added them TO my list as useful memo
randa. For instance. II Willie partook
too freely of the orchard. his subsequent
disorder was such that you can pretty
safely trust him there again. And so
with pie. A superfuity of pie on one
occasion Is well calculated. as i know
from personal and excruciatlng expert
ence 10 cause the devotee 10 desist
from the destruction thereof on future
occasion.
NV chart can be extended TO meet all
unaynected emergencies and no man
should be without one. Even the chill
dren cry for il. You simply have to
make the cross in the proper column, and
the table does the rest. i am going 10
sell II for n quarter, though all persons
producing vouchers Us W a fanny Va
thirteen will be allowed the article free.
II was my good fortune not long since
TO eat a dinner beneath the roof OF the
Hotel jefferson, at the expense of KIND
friend. For days after l received the IN
yltation I tasted, and all the while
looked forward to the occasion, even as
Moses looked forward TO the Promised
Land. The dinner. by the way. was what
We call supper on Cary street, Tor II
wasn't served until O'Clock. when most
OF the folks in my neighborhood hau
gone TO bed OF course, l wanted to be Ia
good form on this particular occasion
not that my form is usually good. for l
am slender-and, so, / did everything j
could 10 make people think / ate there
habtually. No one except the proud pa
trician waiter. who seemed TO read my
very soul, would ever have guessed that l
wasn't 10 the manner born, and even
this penetrating Individual would not have
discovered Ii had | not become democrat
ICED at a subsequent stage Of the game.
1t was the knives and forks that raltled
me. When 1 timidly sat down at my plate
with my mouth watering, and tremen-
dous vacuum OF expectancy alias aching
void Overwhelming me, l noticed tnat
there were four knives and as many forks
at my place. Now, at home We only eat
with one of each Of these articles. ana
not with them except on company occa-
casIons, so l concluded that there was
some mistake 1t occurred to me that the
waiter had made blunder. and set the
whole table at my plate. but he looked so
proud and naughty that l didn't care to
hurt his feelings by remarking on the
matter.
BY and by, Just as was about to criti-
else the management Of the hotel, l no
ticed that my companion was equally well
supplied with hardware, and that every
other table had equally as many samples
of Rogers's cutlery. 1t Their occurred 10
me that the hosiery doubtless made
speciality Of knives and forks. and so i
concluded 10 keep still, and saw beef
steak instead of wood, as vulgar people
say. Then a question presented itself.
(which knife and fork shall use" quoth
1 to me, cor do use them altogether, ana
II so, shall employ my feet to assist me
in the manipulation thereofT And. so,
corralled a little paddle-shaped knife,
and commenced whacking at the deceased
cow with 1t, but. on looking around. l
noticed that other people were using the
paddle as butter-knife. Then, too,
observed that they were handling the bob
tailed fork for the purpose OF oysters and
the curve-shaped blade for meat, and
so on through the whole phalanx OF steel
50 llOtIdlty II was a irfti0-
ton 10 me, and reminded me Of cavalry
charge. Instead OF bringing you every
thing on the bill of fare at once. the proul
patrician waiter hauled out the prevender
on tho instalment-pian. or In courses, a.
they called II. First, there were mo'lusks
on the bifurcated calcareous substance
tcalled by common people oysters on the
nall-sheiD, and with these was served a
hot-tempered vegetable. impolitely known
as horse-radlsh.
Before / had gotten half through, the
proud patrician waiter stealthily ad-
vanced upon me. and stole my plate, con-
talning the toothsome but toothless BIZ
valves. yelled stop thier' most Justify,
and raised a great hue and cry. while
everybody smiled as though they thought
such petit larceny was a Joke. By ana
by the naughty mental reappeared. and
brought me another instsiment. which he
likewise captured before had completed
the consumption thereof. And so 1t went
on from oysters to ice-cream, until
gradually observed my Importance and
weight in the community increasing. and
then I felt that I could murmur "1am
salts" which. being interpreted. means
Sufficient jam" Last OF ell. the proud
attendant deposited small glass wash
bowl before me. and ! noticed that the
other people began LAYING their hands