davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25
TEXAS HUMOR..
How Legislators Joke Was Made Int
Law to His Surprise.

~----@O
Law to His Surprise.
Every one knows that Phil Sheridan
said Of Texas, eff owned Texas and
hell, I'd rent Texas aud live in hell. :"
Possibly out of respect for SO great a
man the Texan S answer was suppressed,
but 1T was good just the same. He said
with great promptness, "Well, gin'r'l,
yer know cuss alters will take up fer
the place he cum frum."
The Texan has a strong sense Of hu-
NOR, and it manifests itself in other
ways than repartee. The legislator who
proposed that all trains running into
Texas should be detained for ten min
utes at the state line and required to
whistle three times in Acknowledgement
of the sovereignty Of the state didn't
expect to be taken seriously. He wasn't /;
but his colleagues thought it would be
such good joke on the railroads that
they made the suggestion law and for a
time religiously enforced it.
The Texas women have their share Of
humor, and they can be sarcastic, too,
as the following conversation between
the daughter of a Texas congressman
and New Yorker at Washington ball
testifies:
"You are from Texas?' the New
Yorker said in very much the same tone
that he would have used had he asked
II she was from Hawaii or some other
remote place.
Yes" she said, smiling sweetly.
Lots Of cowboys out there, - he said,
like man who knew.
Yes" she said doubtfully.
You've seen some of course?'
"Oh, yes" This in a tone of convic-
tion.
I'm what part Of the statel'' he went
on.
"Oh, / didn't see any cowboys in
Texas. The ones saw were on Broad
way, New York. New York Sun.
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25
Guess she wa.n.t Mueh Amarloan.

An American Woman" in the Lon
don Daily Chronicle describes the aver.
age Englishman as "a superior being,
of active brain, much travel, experience
with women and a certain desire tc
please. American men are an eccentric
growth, hodge podge flung together in
agalloping money grabbing civilization,
not fully known to themselves" She
adds, "In America we all like our ia.
theirs and brothers, but we haven't any
great admiration for our husbands, al.
though we may be fond of them in 9
patf'onizing way"
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25
Just Like Him.

Arthur-You think don't love you,
darling? Why, 1 would die for you.
Arethusa-Yes, and it would be Just
like you to do it so that your funeral
would come on day when I had to
give up a real nice engagement to at
tend it. Oh, you men are SO selfshl-
Boston Transcript.
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25

Daily Daily except Sunday
"a Stops to leave passengers from Wilmington
and points north, or take passengers for pOint
south of Delmar
"f' Stops only on notice to conductor OF agent
or on signal
"h" Stops to leave passengers from Wilmington
or points north.
"i'' Stops 20 leave passengers from MiddletowI
and points SOUTH
- Stops to let off passengers from points south
OfHarringtOn.
NelO Castle accommodation grdins-Leave Will
mingtOu l2.l0 a. IN and 95l D IN daily, and
8. l3. II is a. m, $50. 43O, 615. and 6 So D. IN
weekdays, Leave New castle e 30 a. m. and
1919 p. m. daily. S31, 9.45 ll.O2 a. m, LIS, 536
6.44 and 7.22 p. m. week day.
RS-Express trains leaving Harrington sos a
M, and arriving at 6.24 p. M, week days, run
through solid to and from Baltimore, rio Por
ters and Newark
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25

Philippe II Of France was surnamed
Augustus, not because he bore any re-
semblance to the Roman emperor, but
because he was born in August. The
same surname was bestowed on Sigis-
mund II of Poland for the same reason.
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25

The first bank within the limits Of
the United States was chartered in
Philadelphia in 1891 It was incorpo-
rated by congress under the title. the
President, Directors and Company Of
The Bank Of North America. .
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25

Gagged monkeys are tolerably certain
to give an indication Of coming bad
weather, being then more i'll natured
and quarrelsome than at any other
time
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25
Trained Down.

Wickshire-You seem to be pretty
well trained down since you got your
wheel, and yet never see you riding.
Alpdge-~I don't have to ride. It keeps
me thin worrying about the Payments.
Indianapolis journal
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25
Baltimore & Ohio R. R.
Schedule in effect July 10. 1856.
TRAINS LEAVE DELAWARE AVE DEPOT
WILMINGTON, EAST BOUND.
saEXPREss TRAINS

II.
WILMINGTON, EAST BOUND
"aEXPRESS TRAINS.
All trains illuminated with Pintsch Light
New York weekdays, g 0S, = 10. *y 81, %9 IS
"lO - m SD 81 - 29 s3 28 s5 81 Il 80 sI2 N m
Philadelphia. Twenty fourth and Chestnut SIS.
week days % oS, 55 40, s7l5. ~ 80 s8l5 - S5
81 80 70, II 90 a. m, Sl2 81, l2 49, - 29 y so
90. 70 b. 30, u 80, s 25, 10. all D, m.
=, Atlantic City, weekdays *7l5a m; +l2 2l pm
q %, p,
Cape May. week days, 81 l5 a. m, 1929, D. m
Sundays, sos. nj.
WEST BOUND.
Baltimore and Washington, 4 20. 7O2. &S a.
I'll % n IN ;%l2 55 p OF, 54 u OS "A S. s6 49, IS
70 ID p. m. week Gays
Baltimore and way stations, 7 OF a. m. and 2 254
p. m daily
Newark Del, *4 90, 7 o.. Is As. all O5am. .l2 S.
days.
Pitisburg, weekdays. 1913 p. IN; Sundays.
Chicago a 5s p m, daily
p. m. daily
New Orleans win Bristol and Chattanooga, $500
p m. daily. Through Seepers Washington to
Memphis and New Orleans
TRAINS LEAVE MARKET STREET STATION
For New York, week days s6 80 am.
For Philadelphia week days 6 so a. m: 235
LEAVE PHILADELPHIA FOR WILMINGTON
TWENTY-FOURTH and CHESTNUT STREETS,
Week days s3 ~, 6, 6 25, 10, IS Is, 80, $40 38
IL 30 a m <12 20. u S6, II 80, 40, 2S SO q 90
"a so IS l5 IS A. o. 30. q 25 IS 40, 10 TO- IL IS D.
Telephone, No. 1893.
Rates to Western points lower than via anv
other line. q 5. sCULL, Genl Pass. Agent In'
W. U. GREENE General Manager.
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25

Alfonso vi of Leon and CASTLE was
the Brave on account of his knightly
daring. The same title was given TO
Alfonso Nv of Portugal.
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25

only remedy to really cure him must be
natural remedy. II must work according to
natural laws and bring him right in touch
with Nature. Any unnatural stimulus or
mere temporary appetizer" does no per
nanent good to person who is debilitated
and rundown"
In these conditions the most perfect, nat
ural strength builder is DR.. Pierce's Golden
Medical Discovery. It acts directly upon
the natural nutritive processes, and creates
solid, permanent strength and vital force In
the same way that Nature creates them.
II capacitates the stomach and liver to
vitalize the circulation and feed the nerve
centres with pure, healthy blood. This Is
exactly Natures way Of curing nervous 'ex-
haustion, debility, insomnia, and neuralgia.
During the past 80 years, DR.. Pierce's
medicines have become recognized standard
remedies throughout the world. His
pheasant Pellets" are a perfect and per-
manent cure for constipation.
sister Eiixa L. de Falcon, Of Corpus Christi
Nueces Co., Texas. writes: This is to tell YOU
that have been III for twcnty-one years and was
hnnliy cured by your medicines Golden Medi-
Gal Discovery and Favorite Prescripton' 1 was
s@.H Pieteiy cured after taking the medicine"
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25

The CETAUR COMPANY, n MURRAY STREET. New YoRx CITY
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25

Castoria cures Colic, Constipation,
Sour Stomach, Diarrhoea, Eructation,
Kills Worms, gives sleep, and promotes di.
gestion,
Without injurious medication.
Smyrna times., 1896-11-25

"For several years have recommended
'Castoria,' and shall always continue to do
so, as it has invariably produced beneficial
results"
EDWIN F. PARDEE, M. D.,
125th Street and eth Ave-, New York City,
IoMPANY. Y Murray STREET New Ynnr Crrz
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
A Protective Tariff.

We renew and emphasize our allegi-
ance to the policy Of protection as the
bulwark OF American Industrial inde-
pendence and the foundation Of Amer
lean development and prosperity. This
true American policy taxes foreign pro-
ducts and encourages home industry;
II puts the burden OF revenue on for
eign goods. II secures the American
market for the American producer; II
upholds the American stRndard of
wages for the American woFkingman:
II puts the factory by the side Of the
farm. and makes the American farmer
less dependent on foreign demand and
price; 1t diffuses general thrift and
POUNDS the strength OF all on the
strength OF each. In its reasonable ap-
plication IL is just, fair. and impartial.
equally opposed to foreign control and
domestic monopoly. to sectional dis
and individual favoritsm.
We denounce the present Democratic
tariff as sectional, injurious to the pub
lie credit and destructive to business
enterprise We demand such equitable
tariff on foreign imports which come
into competition with American pro-
ducts as will not only furnish adequate
revenue for the necessary expenses OF
the government. but will protect Amer
lean labor from degradation to the
wage level OF other lands. We are not |
pledged to any particular schedules.
The question Of rates is a practical
question. to be governed by the condi-
tions OF the time and production; the
ruling and incorporating principle |
is the protection and development Of
American labor and industry. The
country demands a right settlement
and then 1t wants rest.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
The Financial Issue.

''The Republican party Is unreserv-
edly for sound money. II caused the
enactment Of the law providing for the
resumption OF specie payments in 1879;
since then every dollar has been as
good as gold. We are unalterably op-
posed to every measure calculated to de-
base our currency or impair the credit
Of our country. We are, therefore, OPP
posed to the free coinage Of silver, ex-
cept by international agreement with
the leading commercial nations OF the
world. which we pledge ourselves 10
promote. and until such agreement can
be obtained we believe the existing
gold standard must be preserved. All
our silver and paper currency now in
circulation must be maintained at q
parity with gold. and we favor all
measures designed to maintain invlola-
BILE the obligations Of the United
States. and all our money. whether coin
or paper. at the present standard. the
standard Of the most enlightened ma
tions Of the earth"
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
Declaration Of Principles
REPUBLICAN PARTY.

The Republicans Of the United States,
assembled by their representatives in
National Convention. appealing for the
popular and historical justification Of
their claims to the matchless achieve
ments Of thirty years Of Republican
rule, earnestly and confidently address
themselves 70 the awakened lntelll-
gence. experience and conscience Of
their countrymen in the following dec
laration Of facts and principles:
For the first time since the Civil
War the American people have wit
messed the calamitous consequences Of
full and unrestrained Democratic con-
troll Of the Government. II has been
a record OF unparalleled incapacity. dis
honor and disaster. In administrative
management II has ruthlessly Bacriflc-
ed indispensable revenue. entailed an
unceaslng deficit. eked out ordinary
current expenses with borrowed money,
piled up the public debt by s262, 2,OOO, 900
ln tlIIe VI pedItf AOiISu al huFSISE JUL
ance Of trade. TO perpetual menace
hanging over the redemption fund,
pawned American credit 10 allen syn
dicates and reversed all the measures
and results OF successful Republican
rule In the broad effect OF its policy
It has precipitated panic. blighted In
dustry and trade with prolonged de-
preston. closed factories. reduced work
and wages. halted enterprise and Grip
pied American production while stImu-
latlng foreign production for the Amer
lean market. Every consideration OF
public safety and individual interest
demands that the government shall be
rescued from the hands OF those who
have shown themselves incapable Of
conducting It without disaster at home
and dishonor abroad. and shall he re-
stored to the party which for thirty
years administered It with unequaled
success and prosperity.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
NOTICE TO MARINERS.

Cape Arago-New Fog Signal--on or
about September Is. 1896. a fog signal
was established at this light station
en- the small island at the western ex-
tremi;y Of Cape Arago. Oregon.
During thick or foggy weather Da-
boil trumpet will sound as follows:
Blast OF seconds, silent interval Of 5
seconds. blast OF seconds silent inter-
val OF t2 seconds.
The fog signal Is located In the build
ing recently erected. which is connected
with. and just In front OF, the tower.
The building is a one-story cemented
brick structure. showing white with
sandstone trimmings. and black roof
A one and one-half story double build
ing. painted white. lead colored trim
mlngs and brown roof. has been erect
ed on the site OF the old dwelling. which
had become dilapidated. The present
building faces south.
The tower. which originally was con-
structed OF iron and consisted OF a
skeleton frame supporting the lantern,
the upper part Of the frame inclosed
with iron sheeting. has been incased
with brick lncased so that II now shows
white. and connected with the rear OF
the newly constructed fog-signai build
ing. The charts have been corrected
accordingly.
Umpqua Rlyer-Positlon OF Buoy
ChRnged.-Black spar buoy. No. 3, has
been moved about 220 feet in a north
westerly direction and moored In l6
feet OF water. on the bearings: ork
Reef S. by w y w; llfe-saving sta
ton. n. by W. y w: NE. end OF Bar
Tug wharf. EsE. y f.
The chart has been corrected accord
ingly.
Siuslaw River - Position OF Buoy
Changed.-The position OF the black and
white perpendicularly striped second
class can buoy, marked with the letter
IS" in white. at the entrance Of Sius-
law river has been changed and is now
shown on the charts in 81 feet OF water,
on the bearings: Small house about
mile NNw. of Cannery
Hill. f. y N; Cannery Hill, ESE. y
L. outer North Point. NE,h n,
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
Pensions for Veterans.

The veterans Of the Union armies de-
serve and should receive fair treatment
and generous recognition. Whenever
practicable they should be given the
preference in the matter Of employ
ment. and they are entitled to the en-
actment of such laws as best calculat-
ed TO secure the fulfllment OF the
pledges made to them in the dark days
Of the country's peril We denounce
the practice Of the pension bureau 30
recklessly and unjustly carried on by
the present administration. Of reducing
pensions and arbitrarily dropping
names from the rolls. as deserving the
severest condemnation Of the American
people.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20

salmon are taken AT the mouth Of the
Puyallup river. not a mile from Ia
coma's wharves. Point Defiance is said
20 be one Of the best points on the
Sound 20 catch salmon. as they strike
there when coming up the Sound
through both the east and west chan
nels around Vashon Island. The mum.
Der Of seines at the Point diminished
somewhat yesterday.
Large shipments Of salmon are made
from Tacoma every day 10 lower Sound
canneries by boat. and 10 inland mar
kets by rail. ]. Il. Mcintyre. who buys
from fishermen In the bay. and has
little launch in which he goes about
gathering stock. ships from hve TO ten
tons daily. The North Pacific Fish Co.
ls heavy shipper. E. A. chase's new
company viii soon be making heavy
shipments.
Trolling for salmon ls the chief sport
Of the day. sllversldes can be captured
In fair numbers with the hook.-Tacoma
Ledger
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
independence of Cuba.

From the hour of achieving their own
independence the people of the United
States have regarded with sympathy
the struggles Of other American peoples
to free themselves from European DOM
nation. We watch with deep and abid-
ing interest the heroic battle Of the Gu
ban patriots against cruelty and op-
preston, and our best hopes go out for
the full success Of their determined con-
test for liberty.
The government Of Spain. having lost
control of Cuba and being unable to
protect the property or lives Of resi-
dent American citizens or to comply
with its treaty obligationes. we believe
that the government Of the United
States should actively use its influence
and good offices to restore peace and
give independence to the island.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
Reciprocity With Other Nations.

We believe the repeal OF the reci-
procity arrangements negotiated by the
last Republican administration was a
national calamity, and we demand
their renewal and extension on such
terms as will equalize our trade with
other nations, remove the restrictions
which now obstruct the sale of Amer
lean products in the ports Of other
countries and secure the enlarged mar
kets Of our farms, forests and factories.
Protection and reciprocity are twin
measures of Republican policy, and go
hand in hand. Democratic rule has
recklessly struck down both. and both
must be re-establlshed. Protection for
what we produce, free admission for
the necessaries Of life which We, don't
produce, reciprocal agreementstf mu-
tual interest which gain open markets
for us in return for our open market to
others. Protection builds up domestic
industry and trade and secures our
own market for ourselves. Reciprocity
builds up foreign trade and finds an
outlet for our surplus.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
Rights Of Women.

The Republican party is mindful OF
the rights and interests of women. Pro-
lection Of American industries includes
equal opportunities. equal pay for equal
work and protection to the home. We
favor the admission of women to wider
spheres Of usefulness, and welcome
their cooperation in rescuing the coun-
try from Democratic and Populist mis-
management and misrule. Such are the
principles and policies of the Republic
can party. By these principles we will
abide and these principles we will put
into execution. We ask for them the
considerate judgment of the American
people.
Confident alike in the history of our
great party and in the justice Of our
cause, we present our platform and our
considerations, in the full assurance
that the election will bring victory to
the Republican party and prosperity to
the people Of the United States.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20

can policy Of discriminating duties for
the up-building Of our merchant marine
and the protection Of our shipping in
the foreign carrying trade. 80 that
American ships-the product Of Amer
lean labor. employed in American ship
yards. sailing under the Stars and
Stripes, and manned, offlcered and
owned by Amerlcans-may regain the
carrying Of our foreign commerce.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
Monroe Doctrine.

We reassert the Monroe doctrine in
its full extent and reaffirm the right Of
the Unuited States to give the doctrine
effect by responding to the appeals Of
any American state for friendly inter
vention in case of European encroach-
ment. We have not interfered, and
shall not interfere. with the existing
possessions of any European power in
this hemisphere. but those possessions
must not. on any pretext, be extended.
We hopefully look forward to the
eventual withdrawal of the European
powers from this hemisphere. and the
ultimate union Of all the English
speaking part of the continent by the
free consent OF its inhabitants.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
MAGINEL-MULLIN CONCERT TO-
NIGHT.

The advance sale for the Maginel-
Mullln Concert company promises a
good house for the Marquam tonight.
The company arrived here yesterday
from the East, where II scored a pro-
nounced success. They entertained a
few OF Portland's prominent musicians
at the Marquam yesterday. who were
well pleased with their execution.
Miss May Mullins rendition of Men
delssohn's Presto Agitato" was fault
less, and stamps her as an artist on
the piano, and one whose work is sell
dom equaled.
NJ. Maginel rendered Aud Lang
Syne" as solo on the saNophone in a
manner that places him where he just
ly belongs among the peers of his pro-
fesslon.
Count Kominsky's executions were a
revelation of the possibilities OF the
violin.
The entertainment was concluded
With duet on the cornet by the Misses
May and Katie Mullin,-Oregonian,
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
Admission Of Territories.

We favor the admission of the re-
naming territories at the earliest prac-
ticable date. having due regard to the
interests Of the people Of the terrific
ries and Of the United States. All the
federal officers appointed for the terri
tories shall be selected from bona fida
residents thereof, and the right Of self
government shall be accorded as far al
practicable.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
Armenian MaSSaCreS.

The massacres in Armenia have
aroused the deep sympathy and Just
Indignation Of the American people.
and we believe that the United States
should exercise all the influence 1t can
properly exert to bring these atrocities
to an end. In Turkey, American resi-
dents have been exposed to the gravest
dangers and American property de-
stroyed. There and everywhere Amer
lean citizens and American property
must be absolutely protected at all
hazards and at any cost.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20

Twenty-one purse seines, is being
from Seattle, were stretched In the wa
ter on Point Defiance Friday, fishing
for salmon, II is estimated they caught
1000 salmon that day,
The net fairly covered that portion
OF the Sound, and took up so much
room that the steamers bound for
olympia from Tacoma were compelled
to go close to Vashon Island, over a
mile away, to keep from running into
them. The largest seine is 1900 feet
long, and 100 feet deep,
The greater number of the seines were
owned by canneries from down Sound.
Eleven belonged to the Meyers cannery,
Seattle, four others were from Seattle,
three We're owned by the Seattle Fish
Company one belonged to the North
Pacic Fish Company of Tacoma. and
two We're independent selnes A large
fleet of tugs and steamers were in at
tendance on the seines to take away
the fish they caught
The salmon are running fairly we'll
on the upper Sound, and In this vicin-
ity. The heavy run should appear very
soon, II 1t comes this year, Occasion
ally an Off year is experienced and no
great number appear at one time. The
best time to use the seine is on an in
coming tide,
Every day large quantities of silver
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
Protection to Sugar Producers.

We condemn the present administra-
tion for not keeping faith with the
sugar producers of this country. The
Republican party favors such protec-
tion as will lead to the production on
American soil of all the sugar the
American people use. and for which
they pay other countries more than
$1OO, 100000 annually.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
Foreign Relations.

Our foreign policy should be at all
times firm. vigorous and dignihed. and
all our interests in the western hemis-
phere carefully watched and guarded.
The Hawaiian Islands should be con-
trolled by the United States and no for
eign power should be permitted to in
terfere with them. The Nicaragua
Canal should be built. owned and OPP
Grated by the United States. and by
the purchase Of the Danish Islands we
should secure a proper and much-need-
ed naval station in the West Indies.
The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1896-10-20
immigration Laws.

For the protection Of the equality Of
our American citizenship and OF the
wages Of our workingmen against the
fatal competition of iow-priced labor.
we demand that the immigration laws
be thoroughly enforced. and 80 extend
ed as to exclude from entrance to the
United States those who can neither
read nor write.