The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1896-08-06
CONFESsION OF PIE EATER.
Re~ Re Became . Slave and some Piss
He Has net.

He Has Net.
In looking over my past career feel it
to be but proper that admit that have
always been a slave of the 80 called per-
nicious pie habit. I cannot remember how
long ago 1 ate my first piece of pie, nor
can I state with any degree of accuracy
che date upon which l surrendered my
manhood or rather childhood and willing
" thrust my neck into the yoke which still
encireIes it But will admit that the
taste is not an acquired one with me- as I
enjoyed my first piece of pie quite as keen
" as l did the last wedge, which is still
gyrating nnadly within me undigested and
measuring itself, so TO speak, against my
gastric meter.
When was q small boy, could never
quite understand why the pie, which was
the best part of the dinner, should always
come on last when every ones appetite
was satisfied 1t seemed to me that the pie
should come first Then it often struck
me that if the pie were to lead the meal all
interest would cease with the last mouth
full. whereas if entered as the epilogue of
the prandial drama the other parts, from
the very ring Of the bell, would bristle
with the barbed wire or epicurean interest.
Again I often Inarveled in vain at the
idea of having fish dinner and not a pie
dinner. 1t seemed to me paradox that
defied explanation. I never knew and do
is my favorite because I ike each and ev-
erv kind with or without cheese, although
eaten with fork, a spoon or aU naturel
out of the hand. Some philosopher has
called the uncovered or decollete pie-that
is, the one which is exposed to the light
and the critical naked eye-the open faced
pie This, of course, refers to those speci-
mems which represent the custard, the
cocoanut and the pumpkin, which do not
wear vests or chest protectors Of crust.
The pie that has an upper crust should
be called a hunting case pie, while the
cranberry, having strips of crust running
OVER its roof in regular latticework of
suspenders, should be regarded as striped
pie for the English and plaid pie for the
Scotch. I cannot help recalling an idea
that occurred to me when 1 was a little
boy about eight or ten hands high. 1t was
a curious idea relating to the suspenders of
the cranberry pie in this interTogatory
form; Are the suspenders to keep the Gran
berries in the pie, and if so are they but
toned to the under edge of the plate, like
an all wool theatrical ocean, or are they
fastened down with g1ue9
The Washington pie 1 liked from pure
" patriotic impulse, although the slices of
apple were ilnbedded in the foundation of
dough after the manner of cobblestones,
until they seemed, from the regularity of
their upturned edges, like the bay of Ma
fee chrome.
Hitting the pie and hitting the pipe are
both habits which hold one with an iron
grip. Since the day fell I have been q
willing vassal Of the insidiOus destroyer
and have made study of pie and pie poi
soning in ali it's ramidcations.
The great, thick country pie, whether
round or oblong, is the ideal pie of the
heart, and when the poets fingers are fold
al If he edo
with outspread wings that even if lost in
the great Sahara desert he would sigh, not
so much for the crystal spring as for the
great American dessert - and If suddenly
possessed of some of the latter would &C
knowledge himself a vassal melting in the
vaseline of inefable ecstasy. Take one of
these small urban pies which are nodded
and turned out by the thousand like cheap
watches and the chances are that you will
not want to take another seriously if at all.
The only advantage this small pie has is
that it may be held in the hand like
quot, that it doesn't ooze, drip or disin-
te9Fate, and that it is in a certain sense
antiseptic. In one of these stem winding
pies death turks even when its true char
actcr is hidden from the minds eye by the
cunning artiacer beneath whose touch the
meringue conceit quickens and blossoms
in infinite beauty
Give me the old, honest, homely, farm
house pie, with no other ornamentation
than a few rude and unstudied fork jabs
in its ecru breast to prevent it's losing its
wind. And give me plenty of it and also
supply me with plenty of elbow room and
a large, imperial, nickel plated tin appe-
tite that 1 may do the dish Justice and
show my appreciation with the ardor of q
patriot, because pie is an American insti-
tuition upon which the American eagle
stands in heartfelt pride as if to maintain
hc Of nd nd to hT1TI
contumely into the false face OF the invad-
er But the city pie is not Inspiring in
strict sense. 1t is, SO to speak, alien and
exotic, especially when eaten against time
at the MONDAY hour, for then the eater
stands upon his feet and eats in so great a
hurry that to all outward appearances his
entire physical system is brought into
play, the masseter and deltOid muscles are
strained to their utmost tension, the eyes
are dilated and the hat bobs in frantic
glee, while the pie eater snaps of a mouth
full and seems to leap in the air as if to
climb it.
Such slave can mix his pie-that is,
eat various kinds-unti1 his stomach be-
comes a kaleidoscope of pie. The pumpkin,
breathing of the cornfeld; the cOcoanut,
full of tropical suggestion, and the mince,
which is out of date during the dog days
because it bays the moon, are one to him.
He has an ostrich stomach for pie. He is
a pirate for pie, ard he eats pie for break
fast to begin the day right then he eats it
for dinner to preserve high average of
enamored thought, and finally for supper
from motives of gratitude for his daily pie
He has pie heart, and goes right on eating
his favorite dainty although he destroys
his complexion, and he would keep on even
if the practice should render his digestive
organs effete, which would, of course, be
impossible.
The rose may perish on the summer
stem and our idols be snatched from US in
the tenderes5 beauty of their bloom. by
nasties may fade from the earth and the
columns of the early ages crumble in slow