The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1885-1921, 1896-11-24
NO CYCLING CLERGY.
SHOULD PREACHERS RIDE THE BIKE?
AGAIN BEFORE TIE CLUB.

The Thompson Street >corchers Consider
the Subject For the Third Time !srud-
der HendersOn's TeIItaIe Statistics
Change the Attitude of the Members.
"6emlen of de club said President
Toots after the routine business had been
cleared away at the last regular meeting,
~ hev 20 announce de fact dat sartin
member of dis club has riz up to a queshun
Of privilege. Dat means dat he wants TO
reopen a subjick disposed of at former
meetin. De name of de pusson who has
riz up am Silver Plated Henderson, an de
subjick am Should Preachers of de Gospel
Ride de Bike We had de queshun befo'
US on two occashuns, an arter a full an
free debate It was decided dat it didn't do
any moral harm fur preacher 70 ride de
wheel. Brudder Henderson wasn't heah
dat eavenin, an he now demands de right
TO submit sartin statistics which he has
gathered up
The Said Statistics.
The secretary then read the statistics as
follows:
"Rev. John Coontree of Kentucky was
a pillar of the church and had saved 10, 000
souls After four lessons on the bike he
jabbed a hog with a pitchfOrk, kicked a
mule over a fence and pounded his Wife al
most TO death with bed sIat. Now in
Jail and hollering for gore.
Rev. Chilblain Green Of Virginia took
two lessons on the bike at a camp meeting
and then turned TO and tore down seven
tents and punched the head of six other
preachers. Taken to Jail; but it was the
general opinion that he was possessed by
satan.
REV. Chuckalong Jones of Ohio, who
was known for IS years as the Volcano
Exhorter, and his voice when singing or
praying could be heard three miles against
the wind, took spin on bike down
long hill, and after he came to he set fire
to a church and went into the business of
selling root beer
Grey. Greentree Wharton of Indiana was
so good that he wouldn't eat Strawberries
on Sunday and stopped his clock at sun
rise so as to give it a rest on the Lords
day A stranger left a bike with him for
three days and satan impelled him TO ride
it. Is now in Jail, charged with seven diff
ferent crimes, and if he escapes hanging
will be a maniac all his life "
Only Sample Cases.
Brother Henderson, in arising to defend
his statistics, stated that they were only
sample cases culled at random from hum
dreds which could be found in the daily pa
pers. How on earth the club could have
debated this question and overlooked these
statistics was more than he could account
for. Here was a matter concerning the
very foundations of morality and society,
and yet the club had passed it over as if it
was of no more account than voting the
sum of 10 cents to buy rabbits foot.
He had understood that certain members
opposed the use of the bike by preachers on
the ground that it detracted from the dig
nifty of the cloth and lowered their stand
ard, while others had vigorously denied
that such was the case. He had come to
the meeting loaded with a big gun for bar
and a small gun for woodchuck. He would
now fire off his small gum
1.-The Rev. Caesar Higginbottom of Illi-
nois, after five lessons on the bike, went
around pinching the sisters ears and pat
ting them on the back, and one of them
put his eye out with the ferule of a blue
cotton umbrella.
1.-The Rev Moses Skupanong of New
Jersey took two lessons on the bike and
eloped with his own wife, thinking she
was the hired girl When he discovered the
fraud, he broke her jaw and was sent to
Jail for 80 days"
Were Not These Enough?
Brother Henderson said he could go on
with these statistics until night faded into
daylight, but were not these enough? Did
the club want anything further to satisfy
the most capricious member that it had
taken wrongful position and could not
get out of it too soon? He was willing to
see preachers swing the club, put up the
bells, jump the bar or ride bucking
mule, and he didn't know that it would
do any harm for preachers to put on the
gloves and scrap a little, but as for riding
a bike-nit
Professor Hindfoot. who had been one
of the preachers champions at the other
meeting, now asked that the question
might be decided in the negative He was
even then giving preacher lessons in the
art, and the idea that the man might sud
denly hop off the saddle and kick a dog or
throw stones at a church almost paralyZed
him.
Several others spoke to the same effect,
and, the question being put to a vote, it
was unanimously resolved that no mem
Der of the cloth should tackle the bike un-
til 1t had been ascertained what was wrong
with 1t. NJ QUAD.