Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1896-07-16
CAPTAIN KIDMORE KARBUNKLE.

CAPTAIN klDMURE KARBUNALE.
West Virginia's Funny Man Depicts In
Glowing CoIo-s, His Worthy Qualities
and Gives Some "reminiscences of His
Boyhood Days.
Warrington, W. Va, July 15.-Cap-
tain Kidmore Karbuncle, who derives
his title from having been a private II
the late war. dropped into my office re-
Gently, and with large moisture in his
eyes, composed of whisky and water,
begged me TO write up short sketch
OF mis- life in my next contribution TO
the press.
Write an article" said the Cap
tain, turning his puissant breath in
my direction so that it came up against
NE in great intoxicating throbs, that
will be the foundation for the notoriety
I deserve. Don't say anything decol-
lette or run in any little facetious anec-
dotes about sparing the rod, etc., but
just tell the naked truth"
l was about to remark. with a silvery
laugh, that it would be hard 10 tell the
naked truth and not say anything dec
pllette. but the Captain diverted this
little sally by fishing an old map OF
Texas from his pocket, the off side Of
which was covered with examples Of
juvenile brightness, deeds Of daring in
the war and a whole orchard of family
trees.
"This is a guide" said the Captain.
"Take 1t and bring me out in bright
colors as hero and man worthy of
office. and you will be the recipient of
that silk hat I wore when l was run
ming for sheriff, and which you admir-
ed so much
He stood back a few PAGES after he
had said this, to note the effect his
words had on me. | really needed the
hat to restore some dignity l lost re-
Gently while learning to ride a bicycle
for the edification OF some young ladies,
in which almost ripped myself up the
entirity and ploughed up several yards
of real estate and other raw material
while my wheel swerved TO the left and
killed a Mexican hairless dog. I knew
the hat would almost alleviate the ef-
fects of this disgrace if I appeared in
an imposing crown TO my polygomal
profile My reflections ended III re-
solve to take advantage Of the Captains
offer. TO the great pleasure Of that gen
tleman. whose last directions were TO
be careful about saying anything that
would make the neighbors think it was
all huge joke.
IN justice to the Captain, will say
that | didn't go by his manuscript at
all in this matter. I merely ascertain
ed the date of his birth and the locality
of the catastrophe and started in with
my simultaneous souifulness and stub
pen. charging and identifying differ
ent parts OF his character, pumping air
into his intellectual tire and remodel
ing his eccentric, till he will hardly rec
ogniZe himself as the hero of this effu-
sion. I will begin in my usual round
chou. style. continually thickening the
plst and running in little diversions in
the way Of contradictions, short stops
and some things the Captain said when
he was drunk, till my throbbing brain
will bid me cease on account OF the
wear and tear on its jamboree, or
words to that effect.
In the hum-backed district of Jake's
run. where the hills have almost crowd
cd the intervening space out Of eXis-
taace. Captain Kidmore Yarbuncle
first saw the light Of day according to
schedule. one not day in July, 1870,
lust as the sun was creeping over the
fHria q
halo Of glory over the universe. de-
spite the fact that it has repeatedly
been caught in the act Of doing 50 be-
fore. Here it was that the Captain
exhibited mis- superior brain force as an
infant. in not making confusion by
arriving some time in the night. as a
great many unsophistocated young
sters do, causing a fond father 20 take
a lantern and go ten miles over rough
road TO get physician 10 help with
the formalities of an Introduction.
Little Kidmore was not classed As a
captain at the time Of his birth, but as
he deserved the title as much then rs
he does at the time of going to press, l
use It anyway. He came into this
world a total stranger. without any
means of making a living nor any
clothes to speak of; but his development
was rapid. At the age of four years he
was permitted to wear long pants and
suspenders, and was well known all
over the district Gle also wore some
other clothes, but only speak of them
in order to avoid any misunderstanding
as to the entirity of his wardrobe)
He was not ten years old when he
took up the tobacco habit in all its
branches. mastering it thoroughly. and
to this day he uses that fruit quite flue-
emily, often getting up in the night to
partake OF lubricious lump discOntin-
ued on the day before. Little act
though this seems, it exhibits the rigid
discrimination and economy of the
man. and il is little wonder that he has
acquired such an enviabie position in
life.
He is described as having been a
child with large dreamy eyes and regu-
lar habits. His doting mamma told
me az a special interview that he was
never nown. to be late al meal-time
in his life, only on occasions when he
was unavoidably detained after school
by his teacher, and then he always hur-
ried home as quickly as possible. As