The Van Buren press., 1896-03-28
How She Missed the "nIainest

How She Missed the "Mainest Chance"
"And what is so concernin me, Rufus,
Is so in regards to the whole entire hui
man family more or less" Aunt Nancy
went ON TO say presently, and with that
she went down into her old dominecker
thanky bag and some forth with her
smokin materials.
For three days hand runnin now the
weather hit has been jest simply am
phibious for hog killin-clear as bell
and cold as fugins-and do you know,
Rufus, there amt marry blessed hog on
the Newton place. John Andrew
Chats Aunt Nancy's brother, you I'M
derstand) had the finest bunch of hogs
in the settlement last summer, which
at that time the weather was so scan
dlous hot he dassent kill any of 'em
then. And along in the fall the celery
got in amongst EN-, whereas the hog
KILN come off at the wrong time of
year in spite of all that we could do and
say.
when / was young and fresh and
fair as the common run of women, Ru-
fus, | missed the mainest chance of my
life to git married. Berry Hasseltine
was what you mought call a old bache-
Tor, but he had come from powerful
good stock of people, and he had the
best farm in the settlement, with mules
and cows and hogs till you couldn't
rest, and plenty around him to go on.
And in them days 1t come to pass that
Berry he was loyin me more harder
than mule colt could kick with both
feet backwards down q steep hill, and
more better than town hog loves
slops.
But in the main time, Rufus there
was funeral in the family, which left
John Andrew an old widdower and me
the onlyest woman on the place. SO
there / was, with all the house kecpin
to do, and seven chillun to wash and
spank, and four COWS to milk, and the
chickens to feed and the garden to tend,
and the socks to darn and the clothes
to mend and-well, l jest couldn't see
no place where could turn loose and
quit. Now you have took notice,
reckon, that when one of these old
widowers or bachelors turn out and
pitch in to marry they are more than
probable to mean plain, straight bust
ness and whole passle of it, and you
can't push EN- off with little lallagag-
gin and firtationments. So as | said
before Berry Hasseltine had took up
a notion TO git married, you understand,
and the maiRest thing with Berry was
to git married. / told him TO try and
wait till John Andrew could recover
and take unto himself another wife
But Berry lowed no, it was his time of
year to wait. He loved me more deep
and fervent than any young woman
that ever run a reel or jumped Jig in
all the regions round, but if | couldn't
marry him without foolin and fiddlin
around forever, he could mighty soon
find somebody that would. | want
the onlyest woman in the world and
he want the onlyest man in the world
so consequentially we split the blanket
and quit right then and there.
"That was another time, Rufus, when
II rained milk and mush, but my dish
was turned bottom upards. In less
than three weeks Berry Hasseltine had
took and married the Wilder Simpl1ins,
and instid of bein settled down some
where's in home of my on, raisin
pigs and chickens and chillen and the
like of that, am still perusin around
through this vain and fleetin world as
plain Nancy Newton, with nothin to
speak of but her thanly bag in one
hand, and her empty dish in the other"