The Wichita daily eagle. [volume] (Wichita, Kan.) 1890-1906, 1896-07-12
MODEL FOR HIS FUNERAL
Lorenzo Dow Mckinney Has His Funeral
Carried Out in Advance.

Portsmouth, o., July u.-Lorenzo
Dow Mckinney is not the first man who
has had an ante-funeral sermon
preached. Every resident of Newbury-
port, Mass, knows the Dexter mansion
and has heard of Lord Timothy Dexter.
He was a man Of humble birth, the title
being assumed, but he became wealthy
in trade between the years 1760 and 1850,
and placed to his account during his
lifetime more bizarre and unheard of
exploits, IN all probability, than any
man this country ever produced. In
ordinate and overwhelming vanity was
his chief characteristic and the inspira-
ton of most of his strange actions was
the love Of notoriety.
The spacious grounds aout the Dexter
mansion contained forty wooden and
stone pillars or columns, each about If
teen feet high. A carved wooden statue
OF some great man surmounted each col
umn. the tallest and largest pillar bear
ing a figure of Timothy Dexter himself
of heroic size, the foot of the pillar being
marked:
II am the grea test man in the east"
The other statues were all labeled, but
he would occasionally order a painter
TO go over them and change the names.
John Adams was thus liable TO rechrist-
ened Hannibal. while George Washing
ton changed names with Socra ties, Ma
poleon with Martin Luther, and SO ON
through the list
Dexter maintained a privat poet lau-
reate, a carriage with a coat OF arms.
and liveried yetinue worthy Of prince.
The villagers were hired by him TO fol-
low the carriage and shout "Hurrah for
Lord Dexter" whenever he drove to
town.
Some Of the mercantile ventures that
brought Dexter the best returns were
pure eXampls OF insane, blind luck. One
Of the most notable was a cargo of old
fashioned warming pans he sent to the
west coast OF Africa, having taken up
through ignorance the joking advice OF
some miSchievous clerks. As might be
supposed the pans were a drug on TIE
market. There were no beds In the
neighborhood of the Gulf OF Guinea that
needed warming and his agent was in
despair until the idea occurred to him
10 sell the warming pans TO the planters
and natives for swimmers and cooking
utensils. The natives bought them
eagerly. Chatting dishes were thus fash
were in New York or Chicago. and the
nourishing missionary stew and Meth
odist rarebit We're placed within the
reach Of every family. History has not
traced the decadence Of warming pan
cookery on the west coast nor the grad
ual relapse into rawness OF dietary. but
the gold and ivory received in exchange
FOR the shiplOad Of warming pans were
a small fortune IN themselves.
Lord TInothy's Intercourse with his
neighbors was seldom pleasant lie
was course, ignorant, insulting. brutal
and violent tempered. on one occasion
he attempted % drive over 4 villager
named Midway. who lodged the horses,
dragged Lord Timothy from MS SCAT.
and cut his fiesh INTO Eelts with the
carriage whip TIE next day Dexter
saw Midway walking with his Eife.
Stopping his carriage ne advanced tow
ard them and deliberately struck Mrs.
Midway blow IN the face. Needless
70 say the whipping was forthwith re-
peated. this time with the batt end o.
the whip. and Dexter was nearly killed
Dexter's desire 20 learn what his
neighbors really thought of him in
palied h.m 20 plan a mock funeral about
The year 17s2. fourteen years before his
death. which occurred II 1s0s. He
gave orders % his family and servants
% publish news % his sudden death /
A gorgeous funeral was prepared for. |
The handsome eoffin vac kept tightly
closed AID the minister who conducted /
he service and nearly 81 q tAs in
Inense crowd t111 gathered had not I
ne slightest idea of the trek that vas 1
icing played upon them. As a mater /
- 1zc- Dexter vas -,ngi.uS with the I
crowd u GisEllsa. busy taking notes q I
re conversation e the guests Re had i
q much better os-po-; 1rssy than did Dos I
Mckinney % 81 candid. UEpTsJudioel /
oPi--ions. AID = = sad thai BE he'd zs 1
deadly s1ez,.ss eye- ss:er those @-c 1