Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1896-04-06
F0GG ON VAR RUMORS.
Why He Has Not Settled the Troubles
in Cuba.
Sam and John and Billy and Hum
bert and Isabella and the Whole
Family Having a Lively Row.

Family Having a Lively Row
Some time ago I offered my services
as leader Of the Cubans, but President
Cisneros did not send me a check for
travelling expenses; hence the war con-
tinues.
Since rejecting, however, l am salts
fed that my cuticle is not in position
to be punctured by any foreign power
l am now leading a quiet country life,
and during my spare time improve
my mind with lost heads, prize fights
presidential gossip, X rays and elope-
ments. This is much safer than to be
seeking the glory OF a foreign talent
obituary.
I wish 1 could tell the United States
what TO do in this Cuban affair. Or
course my heart goes out for Spain IN
her troubles whenever 1 think of Isa-
bella searching the house for her last
breast-pin while Columbus waited at
the door If Columbus had run out OF
breast-pins fifty miles from San Saliva
dor, America might have been left I'M
discovered until the Valkyrie sailed IN
to New York last summer. Think OF
the Lord Dunraven Exposition at Chi
cagO and the NalkyTie in the Lagoon.
And. possibly l would have been scat
tered fragments of other people over IN
foreign lands.
Spain discovered America in 1892.
She discovered the United States III
1896. How far the United States is JUS
titled in allowing herself to be discoy-
cred by Spain and menacing her with
the loss of Cuba is question, with
strong sentiment of driving Spain clear
out of the West Indies.
But when the time comes for war,
with no telling how many other inter
national complications these men who
are anxious for more trouble would find
some lurking disease in their clothes.
Diseases are very. popular in war time.
I would like a slight affection myself
in case Of war. Also after the war dis
eases are very desirable acquisitions
and much sought for
! don't doubt but that Spain deserves
to be forced out Of this continent; still
we don't need 10 be eager to right
everybody else's wrongs when they are
not partly our own. The Russian Jews
and the Poles might invite us to come
over immediately. If Uncle Sam re-
sponded. the Car would make very
exciting epoch in our national history.
ireland might invite us over to nold
her hat while she whipped England.
This would involve an awful amount
of armOr plate and a big smoke Inc
French Republic might desire our ser
vices to exterminate the Bourbons and
the Bonapartists Italy might want to
lynch Menelek and his Abyssinians; for
as lynchers we stand supreme and with
trees and ropes enough can eXterminate
any other nation on the globe while
the sheriff waits for the militia.
Then. on the other hand. who knows
but that some day disturbing element
I'm our own country might fiirt with
some other power on the strength Of
cur own precedent.
It is no wonder that Weyler's pres
cnce infames us Americans. If all The
bad that is said of him be true. But
how terrible he is we hardly know, for
so many papers have conflicting stories
of him. One article says he is butch
en- and another in the next column says
he is as harmless as a trained nurse
with fan in one hand and novel in
the other. We must believe. however,
that he is not what he should be-
These rumors of war of the Americas
sound strange. vet have none of that
gossipy rattle of the ether side Of the
Atlantic: for example:
John and Billy haven't forgotten that
old grudge
Jumbo is bound to see the sun rise
on the Pacific. where there's no ice to
spoil his view.
John and the rest Of the crowd are
about to dismember the sick man; look
out for big noise. After all they did
nothing but steam in the Dardanellee
to hear the sizzle.
Sam caught John by the ear and told
him a thing CT two about a certain doc
trine
Billy insulted John and caused the
latter to take to Yachting on a very
large scale Billy saw lots of big boats
and is satisfied.
Sam insulted Isabella.
Watch John; he's after all the cocoa
nuts
Abby blackballed Margaret. but John
tells her that he will help her out Of
the scr3pe
Francis called on Billy. I guess he is
trying to get Billy and John on better
terms.
If Margaret had listened to her broth
ers, Billy and Francis. she wouldn't
have EOt into such a scrape with Abby.
Thus. in the American press, the
great diplomatic comedy of Berlin, st.
Petersburg and London goes on day
after day, with headlines much more
fascinating than those of a prize fight
on the Rio Grande.
General Miles and I we're talking
about war only a few days ago We
had discussed the relative merits of the
German and French armies. the Rus
sian-French alliance, the Abyssinian
war; rapid firing guns and all such
things which are likely to enter a con-
vers3tion between such men as General
Miles and |, when. with my hand on his
shoulder. l said: General to be honest.
what do YOU think is the best armed
organization on earth?" Without a
moments hesitation he replied The
Kentucky Legislature beyond doubt"
DAN FOGG