davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11

through the directions. After that he
was not at all surprised to see the book
fall from his charges hand onto the
foor and her eyes close.
II knowed It," said Tucker, in a pro-
fuse Precipitation. IL knowed 1t. Them
gals are all alike. Always knows
what's best. Miss Poison! Miss Pol
SOM"
He shook her roughly, but to no pur
pose and then running to the door
shouted eagerly for Susan. No reply
forthcoming, he ran to the window. but
there was nobody in sight, and he
came back and stood in front of the
girl. wringing his huge hands helpless
ly. 1t was great question for a poor
sailorman. If he went for a doctor he
deserted his post: if he didn't go, his
charge might die. He made one more
attempt to awaken her. and seizing a
flower glass splashed her freely with
cold water. She did not even vince.
ITS no use fooling with it," MUIR
Injured Tucker. Il must get the doc
tor, that's ALL
He quilted the room and. daShinE
hastily down stairs. had already opened
the hall door, when a thought struck
him and he came back again. Chrissie
was still asleep in the chair. and with
smile at the clever way in which he
had solved difficulty he stopped down
her from the room and down stairs.
Then hitch occurred. The triumph
ant progress was marred by the behav-
Tor OF the hall door. which. despite his
efforts, refused to be opened, and. en-
numbered by his fair burden, he could
not for some time ascertain the reason
Then. full of shame that so much deceit
could exist in so fair and frail a habita-
tion, he discovered that Miss Polsons
foot was pressed firmly against it. Her
eyes were still closed and her head
heavy. but the fact remained that one
loot was acting in a manner that was
full of intelligence and guile. and when
he took it away from the door the other
one took its place. BY a sudden man
euver the willy Tucker turned his back
on the door and opened it, and at the
same moment a hand came to life again
and dealt him u stinging slap on the
face.
Idiot" said the indignant Chrissie.
slipping from his arms and confronting
MIN. How dare you take such lib
erty?"
The astonished boatswain felt his
face and regarded her open mOuthed.
Don't you ever dare to speak to me
again. said the offended maiden. draw
ing herself up with irreproachable dig
nifty Il am disgusted with your con-
duct. Most unbearable."
Il was carrying you off to the doc
tor" said the boatswain. "How was
to know you was only shamming?"
"Shamming?" said Chrissie, in tones
of incredulous horror. II was asleep. 1
often go to sleep in the afternoon
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
ANECDOTES or BILL NYE
Several funny Stories Recalled About
the Dead Humorist.
MANY INEVITABLE DROLLERIES
Where Nyc Drew the Line -llis Resigua.
tiou as postmaster-H His First Poem.
Ills EavOritcs - Ell Perkins
Truthful "reminiscences.

When Bill Nye was elected justice
of the peace in Laramie City, says the
Times Herald. he went to a shoe dealer
named kipp to get that man of means
To go on his official bond. Nye had
long been Kipp's good customer and he
had some right to expect such u neigh
borly concession.
kipp begged of. however. with many
protestations. He declared that moth
ing would delight him more than to go
on Judge Nye's official bond. but some
years before he had promised his moth
er, now dead and gone. that he would
never go on anyones bond.
This, of course. was sufficient for
Nye. and would he no trouble whatever
about filling uD the bond. and so they
parted quite pleasantly. Shortly after
ward, when one day case came up be-
fore Nye's court in which Kipp was
surety on the bond of one of the part
les. Nye suddenly adjourned court and
proceeded as swiftly as his long legs
could bear him with any degree of dig
nifty to the mercantile establishment of
Mr.. kim and demanded that his bill.
then current. should be produced at
once.
Mr.. Kinp saw that Nye's choler was
up. and he was alarmed, for ne did not
like to lose so good a customer
IVY ees dis. Shudge?" inquired Kipp.
de pill wasn't due. unit oof it vas. dere
vas no hurry of IT.
Nye insisted upon paying. however,
and then he explained:
1T doesn't make any difference to me.
Mr.. kiDp. that you refused to 30 on
my bond and that have discovered
your name on the bond of another. but
] don't want anything to do with u
a. l.. .l.1. Il
mother. as you have done. There's
where | draw the line. and business
between you and me must forever
cease"
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11

a
a letter. responsive to one OF jest as to
his experience.
a III l ever have any influence In the
New Jerusalem, you shall some day
have nice new harp that has never
been played on and as pretty a ~
crown as there is on the evergreen
shore
Then, after alluding to his accident.
he says:
My leg IN growing together all right.
and the doctors say they will shortly
turn me loose on the community again.
l have had a long, hard siege. and II
seems tough at times. but never kick
Il don't dare. Many have asked how
this thing happened. cannot state
definitely. but I think must have
stepped on q Rel of thunder. People
cannot be too careful when peelinr
their thunder about leaving the peels
around where innocent and unsuspect-
Ing persons may step on them"
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
DEFINING LITERATURE.

The attention of the public was first
called to the humorist's writings on ac-
count of his vigorous English. His Ian
guage was Of the wild west order. For
example: The professor of rational
psychology of Boulder college wrote to
the Boomerang and asked the editor
the question: What is literature?"
What Is literature?" exclaimed Bill,
pointing half-contemptuously at the
columns of the boomerang. What Is
literature? Cast your eye over these
logtcimbued columns. you sun-dried
savant from the remote precincts.
Drink at the never-failing Boomerang
spring Of forgotten lore, you dropsical
wart Of false and erroneous civiliza-
tion. Read our Address to Sitting
Bull. or our ode to the Busted Snoot
OF Shattered Venus De Milo.' II you
want to fill up your thirsty soul with
high priced literature. Don't go around
hungering for literary pie while your
eyes are closed and your capacious ears
are filled with bales of hay"
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
NYE'S POLITICS.

In politics Bill Nye was Republican,
but he never let his political creed show
itself In his writings. In fact, Demo-
Gratis are the largest readers of his
books
One day asked him what he throught
or the Democratic party.
The Democratic party ',he repeated.
The Democratic party. Why, DEM
ocrat Keeps drug store over there,
ana when a. little girl burned her arm
against the COX stove, and her father
went after package Of Russia salye
this genial drug store Democrat gave
her q box Of Rough Oh Rats What
the Democratic party needs" said Mr..
Nye. lis not so much a new platform as
q car load of assorted brains that some
female seminary had left over" .....
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
~ u II
ENGLISH HUMOR,

A nEnglishman was talking with Mr..
Nye in Laramie about English and
American humor.
I'm my opinion" said the English
man. 1.-The humor of the United States.
II closely examined. will be found to de-
pend. In great measure. on the as
cendancy which the principle of utility
has gained over the imaginations of IA
rather imaginative people"
Just so.' replied Bill. "and, accord
ing to my best knowledge. the humor
Of England. II closely examined. will
be found just about ready to drop over
the picket fence into the arena, but nev-
er quite making connections. II we
scan the English literary horizon we
will find the humorls. up tall tree
depending from a sharn knot thereof
by the slack of his overalls. He is just
out of sight at the time you look in
that direction. He always has a man
working in his place. however. The
men who works in his place Is pairing
down the half sole and newly pegging a
joke that has recently been sent in by
the foreman for repairs"
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11

"well. I'm going to Sunset Bay" said
the groom. but my eov'nor's rather
pertickler.'
III make it all right with YOU" said
the boatswain.
The groom hesitated a minute. and
then made way for Chrissie. as the
boatswain assisted her to get up be-
side him: then Tucker with grin of
satisfaction at getting seat once more
clambered uD behind and they started.
Have a rug. mate?" said the groom,
handing the reins to Chrissie and pass
ing one over. Put it round your knees
and tuck the ends under you"
LAY, ay, mattel" said the boatswain
as he obeyed the instructions.
'.Are you sure you are quite conf
fortable?" said the groom, affectionate-
ly.
quite" said the other
The groom said no more. but In
quiet business-like fashion placed his
hands on the seaman's broad back and
shot him out into the road. Then he
snatched the reins from Chrissie, and
drove off at a gallop.
Without the faintest hope of winning.
MIR. Tucker. who realized clearly. APP
pearances notwithstanding. that he had
fallen into a trap. rose after hurried
rest and started on his fifth race that
morning. The prize was only second
rate groom with Dlated buttons. who
was waving CHEEKY farewells to him
with dingy top hat. but the boatswain
would have sooner had it than silver
tea-scrvice.
He ran as he had never run before i'm
his life, but all to no purpose. the trap
stopping calmly a little further on to
take up another passenger In whose
favor the groom retired to the back seat.
Then with a final wave of the hand to
him they took a road to the left and
drove rapidly out of sight. The boat
SWANS watch was over.
The end
"The Sickle of Fire" a scientific rO-
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
PERKINS STORIES.

In the Sun Eli Perkins writes: first
met Edgar Wilson Nye fifteen years
ago while passing through Laramie.
Wyo. MIR. Nye was then practicing
law and making his first reputation
rs humorist through editorials and
paragraphs In his weekly Boomerang.
These editorials were irresistibly
quaint. Everyone was reading his
newspaper and everyone loved the
genial writer. He never had but one
enemy, and that was the editor of the
Democratic newspaper across the way.
This man saw nothing funny in Nye.
He wasted columns weekly calling Nye.
to his great amusement, IAN idiot and
a crack Drained rattlesnake editor from
Moosehead Lake.
Bill Nye was then. as ever afterward.
a delicate and retiring man. When 1
asked him why the rival editor called
him such names, he said:
We'll, he Is Democratic editor and
has to be precise in his statements. I
was born on Moosehead Lake in Maine.
and grew up among the Indians and
rattlesnakes OF the west ,
Il see you are a lawyer as well as an
editor?" I said. - = -
Yes. ! practiced law about year.
but, he added. without changing e mus
cIe. nobody knew much about II here:
! Kept 1t very quiet. had been a JUS
tlce or the peace in Laramie for six
years" -
Did you ever marry anyone?"
on' yes. l married my wife, and az
ter that ! used TO marry others and
then try them for other offenses."
Noticing that the humorist had very
white teeth, l remarked upon their
regularity and whiteness. and asked
him what kept them so white.
20. that's natural" he said. "All
teeth remain white If they are properly
taken care of. or course, never take
hot drinks. always brush my teeth ev-
cry morning and evening. avoid all
acids. and although | am 80 years old
my teeth are as good as ever"
And this Is all you do to keep your
teeth white?" ! asked.
We'll. yes-that is, barring the fact
that put them in glass of soft water
nights"
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
The end.

''The Sickle of Fire" a scientific rO-
nance. by Charles Kelsey Gaines, will
begin tomorrow.
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
Wire Sreens.

JOS. KUETTEL. REAR Oil LACKA.
wanna avenue. Scranton. Pa. manufac.
turer Of Wire Screens.
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
SYNOPSIS.

Captain Poison. returning from cruise
OF eighteen months. finds that his dauxh-
ter Cdrissie. during his absense. has be, e,
come engaged 10 Jack Metcalfe. smart
young lawyer who had once worsted him
IN law suit. The banns are about to he
called for the third time. The captain
steps the banns and decides to take Chris
sic away for years cruise. While he Is
preparing for it he learns that the lovers
intend to elope. He keeps watch over
Chrissie, but firing OF this. orders his
boatswain Tucker TO guard her. Chrissie,
her Aunt Jane. and Susan. the cook, set
their wits at work TO befool the boat
swain.
PART III.
On the fourth day. time getting short,
Chrissie went on u new tack with her
keeper. and Susan, sorely against her
will, had to follow suit. Chrissie
smiled at him. Susan called him Mr..
Tucker, and Miss Poison gave him a
glass of her best wine. From the po-
sition of an outcast he jumped in one
bound to that of confidential adviser:
Miss Poison told him many items of
family interest. and later on in the aft
ernoOn actually consulted him as to
n. bad cold which Chrissie had devel-
oped.
lie prescribed half pint of linseed
oil hot, but Miss Poison favored chlor-
Odyne. The conversation turned on
tut OSduiy uudlktito III
taken in excess, of the fatal sleep into
which 1t lulled it's victims. So disas-
trous were the incidents cited that half
an hour later when, her aunt and Su-
san being out. Chrissie took smSll
bottle of chlorOdyne from the mantle
piece. the boatswain implord her to
try his nastier but safer remedy in
stead.
Nonsense" said Chrissie. I'm only
going to take twenty drops. One-two
three"
The drug suddenly poured out in a
little stream.
II should think that's about it," said
Chrissie. holding the tumbler up to the
light.
IT'S about 5OO" said the Mortified
Tucker; 'don't take that. miss, what
ever you do. Let me measure it for
you"
The girl waved him away, and before
he could interfere drank off the con-
tents of the glass and resumed her seat
The boatswain watched her uneasily.
and taking up the phial. carefully read
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
LETTER TO vISSCHER.

Colonel Will Visscher tells the follow
ing anecdote of Nye: He had a way of
saying, In private conversation. the
most humorous things. but those not
acquainted with him and not of acute
appreciation would wonder at his earn
estness on trivial subjects. Once when
a cyclone caught him and fondled him
In its funnel, danced him high in air,
swept the earth with hkWlfd finally.
in playful mood, depos m on the
ground with broken Wrote me
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11

Some time ago it was announced, with
a certain show of authority In an inter-
view with Madame Sarah Bernhardt.
that she was writing her memories,
which were not to be published until
after her death. Subsequently this was
ilatly denied. Again it was reported
that Eleanora Duse was engaged in
writing her Life. but the Bookman has
been authorized to state that she Is not
writing this nor any other book.
The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
|(1tfcura
Skin
Remedies
Are Pure
Sweet Gentle.
| |AndMost
Economical

Xysid. pAalh. Aeists 1nAySe Mkw1Sar ~. =
Iil9 NysNse, 1SaAes- 9ss1ss Dess CHa
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1896-1899, 1896-12-11
Tax Sale.

The Marion county sale Of lands
for delinquent taxes was continued
today. The attendance was not large
and Sheriff Wrightman bid the prop
erty of rapidly. There was little
strife and no competition TO speak Of
to get the property. Bids were con-
fined TO officials and attorneys, mostly
on slips and memoranda and handed
up TO the sheriff, who then called of
the parcel Of lots or lands asked TO be
sold. Then the sheriff went through
the formula Of calling off the once,
twice, thrice, etc.
Geo. g. Bingham, attorney, bid on
a parcel Of Van Eaton lands, but did
not bid enough, and the.land went to
the county.
There was some complaint among
owners Of property, who have been
unable to pay taxes, at being taxed up
80 cents line for the advertising,
when 10 cents line would be fair
price these hard times. But it is said
to be only the legal fee, and necessary
TO keep alive an official organ, IL it
has 10 be done by taxing delinquents
from 81 to $40 apiece.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1896-1899, 1896-12-11

To EMPLOY THE WoMEN.-LabOr
Exchange Branch 1O6, has on foot a
movement 10 aid women TO obtain
employment. The intention is 10 sys-
tematize work and workers as far as
possible, and in every practicable way
assist them In securing work. A
meeting will be held at the w. c. Il.
u. hall on Saturday at $3.50 p. IN. just
at the conclusion Of the Purity meet
ing. Every woman interested should
attend.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1896-1899, 1896-12-11
THE USE or TOBACCO.
"A Appeal Fsons ths szisrn Punsy Al
lsioCe.

"A Appeal Psons ths sziern PusIiy A.
lsioce.
III. JOCgsAL. VIII 700 kindly al
bDw space 10 your valuable PAPER fOr .
few thoughts aDd sOfne comments On
the present. DOn-e0fOrcement ~ The
tObaecO and cigarette Law: in regard
~ the sale u tObzccO and Cigarette
70 mlnOrs, and the use By minors u the
same. II Is very common thing tO
see youths and even very small boys
smoking deadly cigarette. NOw We
wish ~ call the attention Of our newly
elected city onBclals 70 the fact, and
a. they take the oath u once let them
that the Law says that IL Is
unlawful tO sell tobacco Or cigarettes
~ mInOrs, and we shall look ~ them u
protect our boys from this evil, and 70
the Fathers and Mothers we would
ray, do as you love your children aid
the Offices iD this unpleasant duty.
that while the officers haYe
the power 10 stop this evil, they need
and ought 70 have the hearty cooper
alton Of every Father and Mother.
Yours for Truth and Purity.
Salem, Dec. 10.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1896-1899, 1896-12-11
FRAUDS,
Still Charged at Salem
BIT the SsrsztiSn1l tlsmeHts n
the Case are large

The OreE11Iz1 ss1szi50-si reporter
has Efreu u the .EaucEsisbc2- fr1n1s
al Sale-a- II i fnfi-sts5 hs has ben
cziis5 6OEB Tor trsns8clio-s in Ehicb
BE- lad hand nof fsr frVD The opera
h0use
NJ Richzr5son q ths l8w Era
1s1f50ns5 s1 80 tslezrzras fruu Sz-
Isl- says bis firm has neHsr given cut
zoything foT publicstioc- He claims
tbsT have eFi5eooe . f-zU5 and VII
p-0re il VI 10 oogrt ubsa the prUpsr
tf-,e oomes
Mr- ElIer the 0rerzt1r Is SIN a. Sa-
len ard EilI resist al attempts q the
Western Uuio1 10 throw a clo1d On
hin
Ths -5ucket-Shop-- o11troEersy oou-
iilDes % sEitaIe tbe poblie mind
No lsgzl steps have been taken. a.
wzs iniimatsd EO1ld b. bat some
EsrT -iotsresiiEg points are deFOlOp-
ing. II has beo01ne kn0En that Mr..
Eiler Was offered . position b. the
company a. s0zls other plsce but re-
fused No effeciUal Esy u ex0nerat-
ing Nr- Eller exists unless il would
be % reinstase him a. manager az
Salem
IL Is also intimztzd that q Salem
lawyer hzsdrOpped some cash into the
slOt and mas taken an unprOfessiOnal
method iIs seeking 70 recover.
Mr. Bottger Of the Salem wheat
exchange is the only man who seems
10 Be Indifferent to developments.
He refuses 70 make any statement for
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1896-1899, 1896-12-11

SATURDAYS FooT- BALL TOmor-
row afternoon the McMlnnyille and
Monmouth football team will play a
second Of series Of games at Mon
mouth. The game promises to be
quite exciting. The "Salem Cyclones"
90 10 Albany Saturday morning where
they will play the Albany team in the
afternoon. The Salem team will be
reinforced by a number Of football en-
thusiasts and good game Is expected.
The local team hopes 70 be able 10 re-
turn with one more victory TO add 10
their .enylable record as successful
football players.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1896-1899, 1896-12-11

THK PoSToFFIcE.-The removal Of
the Salem postOfiice continues TO be a
subject Of local conversation. 1t is
now learned that the INSPECTOR ex-
pressed a preference for the Williams
& England bank building. lease TO
which would have 70 be made by Re
ceiver McNary. But il is understood
the court would confirm such a lease
If made. II would enhance the value
Of the property some. About 500 10
500 would haYe TO be raised ito make
the change from present location.
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1896-1899, 1896-12-11
ORDINANCE 10. us.

A bill for an ordinance 70 a1Ena Ser-ls, =
of Ordinance No. rs. enrtls1. "a
ordinance to provide "a ths gs0a on1Hs
good order, health. pea1s aai esAn1a1s
of the ci,y and Of psIsol& Haa ixteP ~
lection Of persons and property, M . =
peal certain ordinances Hn1 F~is q a'-'
ances relating thereto
Be 1t ordained by the eOznn o'1n<A . =
city Of Salem: o..
Section That sectioa = q - -
No. zo3, entitled ''an ondI1an1t -
for the good eondaei, good oraa, -
peace and cleanliness OF The d'y - 4
sons and for the PrOlectioa o. Peis1- -
propeny. and to repeal eert1'a -. - 4.
and paits of ordinances Esiaiia.s i-''s''
amended so as to read Is i0llSHs'
Section 2.-That no persoo lno1l y
of n years shall be permitted =
upon. or wander about the stiess .fS
pnblic parks or the city aier iss - -. -
a'clock al night during the nooths q - -,
hcr Oetober' November. Deoenosi, l.-i
and FEBRUARY. or after the hour Of 9 49,.
dnr;ne A. The remainder Of each year. -
such oerson shall have the pei--.ss... =
writing, Of his or her parents, q = ..-.-' =
shall be accompanied BY s1eA I'D
Guardian, and it is hereby nAos - -. i
Ss c;tv marshal to wan all saeh 49,
cansine The university bell o. sols -
SaSI 49, - ,he c;tv TO be rung at fheen a..
neI " n,sIock AZ night, eah and eFe,y -
9,.;no - he months Of Sep,embe.' ye..-,' -,
Noyember, December, January az ~ !, -,
and at fifteen minutes 70 9 ~ ~. ,,w.i,isf
each and every night dunne =. sS.ll ~
~ | sach year and al persons VIC -, I.l l.
49, - ~ .ha nToyisions Of this secilo- - .,on
INHa5 iHss "a gp;ltv of misdemeAnoi' - ...',ier
oeenea sS.Teof befoe the eig -
conTiTO - nun;sbed for the 6rsi ons-.s'h !. ,be
public repremand, 70 Be aal.ls' l.a;se o6enss b.
recarder: and for each snce.s -.,ss than So.
6ne of'not less than s. so ~ N esses vhs's
snd coSts of the action; and = = sne imDosti
nJ AMI 49, os1.on shall iail to pay suy M .L;. ssr
@ suen a, nnder the proYisions ., y M s.s-T tss
upon hl%, = Gnuor ;mnr;soued s one day io' s's'i =
iollars Of such hne. ..neil oflhe ~
Pissed by the cOmmon eOsns Ssv ofDecsn-
,f Salem, Oregon, on lH'
Der, A. d. 1890 Ed. \. Ia
Rsc1na,
Approved by the mayor this '''
december. A. D. '90' cIAuD GAsSA G,sa..
Daily capital journal. (Salem, Or.) 1896-1899, 1896-12-11

FUNERAL PARTY The remains Of
Mrs. Sarah l.. Hayes, wife Of $. Z.
Hayes, who died at Salem Dec. 9th,
were taken U Oregon City this morn
ing and will be inferred at the family
burying place on the farm five miles
from the city. The remains were es-
cOrted By Mr.. Hayes, Mr. and Mrs.
Chapman isOn-in-law and wife and
Miss Edith Howard. Mrs. Hayes was
a noble pioneer woman Of Oregon.
Her wish expressed before death, that
her obituary be that she was a good
mother, faithful wife and a kind
neighbOr IS as noble an eulOgy Of her
character as we can print.