Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1896-03-24
FLASHES OF HUMOR.

Lillian w ia 4 A-NN''
FLASHES OF HUMOR.
"Is MIS-. Smith at hons ?" asked the
caller
Physically, madame, returned the
educated servant, she is. As an alb
s,ract question, the fact cannot be de-
MED. Blu, in relation to your desire to
her. I cannot say definitely until 1
have ascertained Mrs. Smiths wishes
In the matter. Pray be seated until l
have received advices from above. -
Philadelphia Times.
Fenderso1-Did you hear about
Snideley? He was bitten by a dog day
before yesterday. and they say mOrtif-
catiCl has set in.
F0gg-I don't wonder that the animal
feels mortified. but he ought TO have
thought before he bit nideley.-BOstOn
Transcript.
The next living picture, ladies and
gentleman, chauted the barker as he
drew the curtain, revealing a lady
wrapped i'm thought and looking the
other way, lis called Retaliation. SO
called. ladies and gentlemen. on account
Of the lady's striking back. '-Cincin-
natl Enquirer
He-So they were married at home.
eh2 WHAT did you think Of the SER
VICE
She-Not much; it was marked 'sterl-
ing but am sure it was plate.-Phila-
deiphia Record.
Fred only puts on the smoking jack
ct bought when he is sick
81 didn't know ne was ever sick"
"Ee isn't. except when he tries to
smoke. Baltimore Life.
"I never destroy a receipted bill, do
you?' said Bunting TO Gil5y.
"I don't think I ever saw one" re-
piled Giley.-Amusing Journal.
Sheer course YOU will have to ask
papa's consent. now?
II (who has just proposed and been
accepteil-O-er-yss, Of course, Err
has Your papa a telephone Boston
Globe.
A man went into a shop the other
day and asked to see some patent gas
l burners.
The shop keeper showed him some.
Picking one up the man asked what
thar would do
"Oh, said the shop keeper, that will
save half the gas"
Then said the man. eff YOU put me
two in I sha'n't have any gas bill to
pay?"-Spare Moments.
He-I think YOU have such a pretty
name Sbe-I like yours beJter.-New
York World.
Head Of Firm-Have you had any ex-
perience i'm collecting? Applicant
should say I had 1 used TO be a coun-
try minister.-Judge
The look on any married mans face
should convince the girls that the men
are not worth the eXeriOn necessary to
catch one-Los Angeles Herald.
Wife-What a happy looking couple
those two are, / wonder how long
they've been married? Husband-Oh,
I guess they're only engaged-New York
Weekly
Miss Quzzer-Do you believe all the
disagreeable things you read in the
newspapers? Miss Buzbag-I do if
they're about PEOPLE I knOw.-ROXbury
Gazette.
A Blueb'ooded Caniuo-"That is
pretty well-br5d dog YOU have, isn't ito"
"Weu br5d9 He is so we'll bred that he
trousers instead Of pants. "-Indianapo-
lis Journal.
Smaller One-Why don't YOU pick out
a feiler o. yer size? Yer dass7nt Big
ger One-Don't give me no back talk or
TN knock such a draught through YOU
that yOu'U have fever and ague the rest
o your life.-New York Truth.
First Jurymau-TH b. uoggone If 1
kin quite swal,er Windworkse's ITEM
p0rary insanity" plea. / don't believe
there is no such thing Second Jury
maxwell l believe there is. | don't
SIC whatever else could Of indooced me
10 pull out my las, nickels worth of to-
bacco in this here jury rOOm.-Cincin-
natl Enquirer
Woman Gin book store)-I want a
motto of some kind TO hang up in my
pgrlor. Clerk-Yes madame How
does God Bless Our Home strike you?
Madame - Old fashioned. amt it.?
Clerk-It is trife old fashioned. Well,
there's Thrice armed is he who hath
his quarrel just-Harlem Life.
A few years ago a contractor under
took to widen a railway in the West
Riding of Yorkshire. and while the men
were at work one day serious land
slide occurred. There was much con-
fusion. and thin the CRY went up:
count the men," Never mind the
men" shouted the thrifty contractor,
count the wheelbarrows.' London
Telegraph.
what is the reason that Lines is no
artist?" asked thu Phillistine- I
thought he was one of the best illustra-
tors i'm the country well. he ism e.
said the artist. holly. He is a mere
grubbing artisan. Why. il the text,
for instance. described a man as wear
ing a full beard, he would draw him
that way. instead Of with a good arts
tic mustache and imperial. He's a
grubber-that's what he is.'-Cincin-
natl Enquirer.