Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-05-10
The Country Jury
And the Creased Pants.

! A young man of advanced clVlllza-
ton in creased pants told me this.
expect they were glad TO get home
| There is some comfort in returning
home where they could get full breath
OF fresh air, feel ample freedom ana lllt
again.
Then too, strong vigorous limbs and
strong brown hands feel somewhat al
variance and to degree uncomfortaDle
when thrown in company with creased
brooches, loud ties and patent leather
shoes. The farm and Village is much
better.
What queer looking jays Lincoln
Grant and Garfield must have been on
circus days, Lincoln especially, stand
ing over six feet in his stockings-ol
most probably, standing over six feet
in his shoes, socks minus.
We should reflect that from the ranks
of the jays comes the blood, the genius
the brain and fire Of our land, The jay
in the springtime OF youth tills the
broad acre. even burns his arms to get
hayseed all over himself in his strug-
giles to feed the cigarette smokers and
the goose rollers" of our country.
He is the ant that metamorphoses in
/ to the lion.
The jay becomes bread backed. sim
envy and strong, clear Drained and up
right and when the nation needs mind
and vigor the jay comes forth-the di-
rector of the nation, the mOulder of leg
islation, the leader of armies, the con-
troller of finance, the autocrat Of arts
and literature. The jay has prepared
himself for this, instead of being night
owl and wasting vital forces, he has
stored them and has qualified himself,
and with strength of constitution and
accurate vision ne is ready for the emer
gency and the occasion.
Relatively, statistics tell us that with
the country we have virtue. with the
city vice. The country furnishes eX-
amples, the city crime. Thence my
dear reader il you could choose be-
tween the two, OF being a city night
owl or country jay, be a country jay
every time. II you are smart lad in
the country you may possibly be pres
ident or a congressman. IL you are a
smart lad in a city you will most likely
wind up in the penitentiary. The in
fluences are different.
A young man with nice clothes said
Look what fit that jay has to his
| clothes" The young man with the nice
clothes thought that in the begin
ming the taller created man and fash
toned him after the image Of the Prince
of Wales That don't worry the jay,
God created him not the tailor But
the tailor created the nice young man,
for God never gave him his laundried
look
Beneath the Ill fitting clothes of the
jay on the muscles and sinews OF an
embryo giant, ngure for sculptor.
figure that neither tailor or money
can furnish.
Beneath the clothes of the nice young
man was a figure that the jay would
most probably hang fiuttering rags up
on and then stand in a corn field. Be-
tween the two, not counting Clothes
the jay seemed dressed III the height OF
Gods fashion. Never imagine my
dear reader that the tailor is furnishing
your intellect, physique and character
along with the clothes.
This nice young man reminds one
that there is a good chance for Col. In
gersol TO come cut on the Mistakes Of
the Creator" 1t seems that God didn't
make half the people to fit their clothes
| don't think he ever did make young
woman whose foot would fit her shoe.
The Chinese correct this error of the
Creators by bandaging the foot and
make it fit the tiny shoe intended. The
fathead Indians work on much the
same theory. God persists in creating
them round headed and in order TO COR
rect this mistake they tie bowl over
the head of the young papoose and in
time the skull is beautifully fiat. But
what is most painful in our own midst
is round legs with jointed knees in the
desperate struggle with triangular non
bagging legged pants. If some old
hoary headed scientist in our age CEN
turtles hence would find the extinct re
mains of enc our nice young men, con-
sisting of his creased pants and tooth
pick shoes he would declare to the
world that we had legs like the cune-
feet like gardeners dibble.
:
was somewhat mystifed by the ever
present creases that a young man in
our neighborhood sported alorg with his
trousers. Physiologically knew they
would disappear in time. They got
worse. His mother gave the secret
away. She told of Harry coming home
one night about twelve o'clock and then
raising a rumDus because the fire had
not been kept in tire stove. She said
that he was mad because he could not
get hot fat iron. Each night before
going 10 bed he would crease his pants
What a soldier Harry wound make,
Just imagine him marching bravely to
the front with big fiat iron in his
knapsack
Some Of the Wheeling voung men
put their pants between the mattresses
and sleeD on them. We know one who
keers his pants creased by placing a
trunk on them end still anothed who
uses a wash wriugsr.
These brilliant inte,lects invent rare
schemes in their battle against nature.
Think OF Ediscn's sleepless nights fig
nTing on schemes TO keep the crease in
his pants.
Why was Napoleon overthrow at
Waterloo? Because Grcuchv failed 10
come IN on time. Wbv did Grouchy
fail to come? Because HI had no creas-
es in his nan;s. His wife was pressing
them out. when the order arrived.