davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
AMERICAN AND BRITISH HUMoR.
Radical Differences Which Each Race
Finds Difficulty In Reconciling.

Radical Differences Which Each Race
Finds Difficulty In Reconciling.
Beyond a question there is distinct
difference between American and Brit
ish humor. To most Americans London
Punch is indcscrioably dreary, yet to
the average Britain it is the funniest
paper published. Per contra, thu Eng
lishman seldom enjoys an American
joke, and our comic papers are as rule
senseless to him. AS an illustration of
these national characteristics Charles
W. Brooke, a prominent lawyer, recalls
the experience of Charles w. Browne,
better known as Artemus Ward, one of
The first of Amer can humorists. ut
was a singular thing that Ward, while
he captured the british public in his
first lecture, made complete failure
when he became a member of the staff
of London Punch, he being, believe,
the only American who was ever en-
n,oyed upon that publication. He be-
gan his first lecture in the British cap
itai by praising warmly the hospitality
cf the people of London. In glowing
terms he described the picture which
lad been drawn for him in America of
the warmth of the greeting which
would be extended to him when he had
crossed the Atlantic. But he added,
the realization has far exceeded the an
ticipation. Since I have been in London
I have been amazed beyond measure at
the Inequalities ofIwhich I have been
the recipient. Why, assure you that
even every time have left cab hand
has been extended to me-for a shil-
ling The newspapers at that time re-
lated that first there were a few smiles
upon. the faces in the London audience,
then some one Uttered, after that few
people laughed, and in about half a min
ute the entire audience was in a roar.
From that timesa hugh followed every
thing he said. His work on Punch,
however, theaBritish people were in
capable of appreciating; even his de-
lightful description of his visit TO the
tower of London, in which, in a 1emin-
iscent mood, he spoke about his puri-
tan ancestors and told how they had
travelled 10 bleak and foreign shore,
where they could worship God accord
Jig to the dictates of their own con-
e"icnccs and Pror1Et oTcry other man
from worshiping according to the die
tates of his. That sort of real humor
was too subtle for the Londoncr."-
Philadelphia Times.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
An English Doctor,s Nfistaka

The most eminent doctors are liable
to make mistakes of diagnosis on occa-
sion. But, however able doctor may
be, one distrusts his power of entering
a cell at police station and pronounc-
ing at glance whether a man is drunk
or not. A case of this kind came before
the Marylebone magistrate recently. "A
cabman was arrested for being drunk
while in charge of his cab; he asked to
see doctor; the doctor came. looked at
him, pronounced the single word
drunk and went away again. Mr..
Plowden most properly marked his
sense of this kind of examination by
discharging the cabman and disanow-
ing the DOCTORS expenses
Chronicle ."
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
HE WOULD RUN NO RISKS.
Not Disposed to Hazard S1.75 on Double.
EtI\ ful Seizure. NsF

Not Disposed to Hazard G1.75 ON q Doubt.
fui Seizure.
This is said to have happened in the
wilds of Aroostook shortly after the
Bangor & Aroostook railroad had COM
menced to exert its undermining in
fuence" and bripgsto the newly 7estab-
lished express Offices certain com
modities, the sale of which or posses
sion with intent, to sell is contrary to
the wise laws of the goodly commons
wealth of Maine. A certain dep
uty sheriff was informed that
there was deposited iat o. Ger.
tain railroad station within his jur-
isdiction a package Containing matter
subject to sconfscation. The railroad
station, which also included the express
office, was some distance from the vii
lage, and the .minion of the law con-
cluded to reconnoiter a little before
taking the hard journey, perhaps for
nothing. There was telephone con-
nection, and after communication was
duly established the following CONVEX
sation took place: .,adiac oiX.lntlCg
Hello, there! Be you the express
agent?"
81 be-" ~ '.'E'. A.
il"Wel1, hain't there a box there marked
for Mike Pommerlow?s arsg 1yrB srs
81 believe, there is. Be you Mike?"
mo, hain't Mike, but I'm deputy
sheriff, and I believe there's Ticker in
that ere. Say, will we let me seize 1t
II come over? AHEAD .usa~Hh Tsigluna
t"'Wil let we. seize it? Why,
The agent "tumbled''' to use a horrid
slang expression. He saw that the dep
uty was ignorant of the nature of the
Maine law, and continued: .rn. t&tA TOT
We'll, there's ,$1.75 due for charges,
ard if you'll pay that, SEEM as how
you've got the law on your side, 1 s'pose
I'll have to stand by and see you seize"
AMI don'tseize unless L pay the ex-
press?" ,,tng a.A l.,,;,1,st yni'.-
Don't nothin' go out of this Office un-
less the charges are paid. Them's the
orders" '.f .. ..'H 'as. - Rel.
"Wall, wall, but 'sposen seize the
box and faint rum after all, do I get my
s1.75 back?"
Ammo. We don't let out rum boxes
on approval, nor 1 hain't got all day to
talk, either" 4. u,.' r. ~
"Well, now look here, young Teller,
you must think I'm fool to pay ex-
press before know whether it's rum or
not. I don't seize nothin' but prepaid
boxes, rum or no rum. Ye can't fool
your Uncle Dudley outer no two dollars
on onsartainties." .t ... .. ..sI
There was q sharp click on the other
end of the line, and the express agent
turned around with a grin just as a
muddy blackboard drove up with the
owner of the box in highly nervous
state. The charges were paid, the con-
traband disappeared around the bend
in the road toward Caribou, and the
agent took down his fowling piece and
started down the track to shoot a few
cartridges from the telegraph wires.-
Lewiston (Me) Journal. III. .....lla.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
THE TOM BENTON BLEW UP.

ly, and it was apparent that the Silver
Crescent was going 10 stop at Beckett's
Landing and settle the matter there.
Dandy Jim's partner was in the pilot
house and Jim himself, with a double
barreled rifle, was experimenting the
furnaces.
The Crescent gained the landing first
and swung into the wharf. The two
girls were in their stateroom fearful of
what would happen when the men met.
the Tom Benton slowed up as she came
toward the other boat, and Capt. Car
ter was seen standing alone, gun in
hand, on the forward deck. The bells
jingled aboard of the Benton, the boats
nose touched the wharf, there was a
bump, q shudder, and then with ter
rife roar, blaze of fire through black
clouds of smoke and scattering of
timber and debris the Tom Benton blew
up.
Curses, cries and shouts resounded
through the air. The crew of the Cres-
cent, which boat was set on fire by the
explosion, worked manfully to rescue
those of the other boat, who were in
the water. The Tom Benton sank rapid
ly till she grounded with her upper
decks out of water. Cne-5hiTd OF her
crew were lost, and as for Capt. Carter,
he came to the surface some two weeks
later with death-grip on the shotgun
in his hand.-Chicago Chronicle.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04

rival packet are getting friendly 2" srn
what respect?" said the captain, briefly.
"Why, Miss Sally and Mr.. Tolliver APP
pear to be great friends, aren't they,
and" "Out with it," said Carter,
grasping the others wrist till it ached,
what do you mean?"
An explanation followed that sent
most of the captains blood surging to
his temples. His daughter and that
scoundrel! "Oh, he would shoot him
dead at sight" He fastened home.
Miss Sally? "She had gone over to Miss
| Susie's Miss Axtell's, sah." The dis
tracted parent rushed over to the Axtell
household, rang the bell and It was an
swered BY giggling darby girl, Julie,
about IA years old. Miss Sally? oh!
yes, sab, gone away with Miss Susie and
Mars Dandy Jim to Beckett's Handing.
Dey's gwine git married, reckon, he'll
hc!" grinned and Chartered the girl.
The-captain did not waste n minute.
He got into hack and was driven to
his boat at a gallop, regardless OF one
or two shouting minions of the law.
Once on her decks and he was himself
again, cool, determined and a perfect
fend for energy. He stopped the load
ing of the boat, got her off and away
| after the Silver Crescent and was fair
ly on the way with his daughter and her
lover only scant three-quarters of an
hour the start of him. q He issued his
orders in trumpet tones, .-,ssy .-t,
Smash up that rosin in the hole.
Pile in that lard, boys. Anything to
catch the Crescent We've got to get
her before she reaches Beckett's." He
cursed and commanded in swift altera-
ton, but never losing his head. He sent
his negro boy for his double-barreled
| shotgun, drew the loads of fine shot,
substituted 'buckchot and Gaping the
| weapon walked the decks with it, his
face set in an implacable resolve. He
would kill Tolliver, he muttered, like
dog, but he would forgive Sally. It
was all this scoundrel's fault. He was
trying to revenge himself upon him
| Carter by striking at him through the
| child. He writhed with the thought for
an instant and then become steady and
cold. .. I'D.
At bend of the river the Crescent
came in sight, and the view of her put
new life into the captain, and he threw
terrible vigor into his commands, en-
phasized with the menacing shotgun
that sent the frightened darkies skur-
rying here and there like rabbits from
a brush heap.
But those on board the Crescent were
not idle in the meantime. Everything
portable and combustible was brought
to the furnaces and fed regardless of
everything but to make speed. -,,u
Their course now lay up the Mis-
sissippi, and the Tom Benton was gain
ing slowly. But she was gaining sure
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
BAsY's BED.


Every Piece on 1t Should Be Fresh and
Able to BE Laundered.
Most mothers will agree with me
when L say there is nothing too pretty
OF too dainty for the baby's bed. Some
times one finds that the little lace
trimmed cots, shown so tenptingly in
the shop windows, are too expensive for
ones pocketbooks, but every one can
provide neat and pretty furnishings,
even though the sheets are of plain mus
lin, and the coverings only patchwork
quilts.
One little lady of my acquaintance
has a cradle furnished so nicely that
perhaps a description of it will be of
interest to the mothers. The mattress
is just the size of the cradle, four inches
thick, and filed with hair. This is
covered with muslin slip, made to fit
it exactly, and buttoned at one end.
When this becomes soiled it is easy to
slip it off and exchange it for a fresh
one, and in that way the mattress is
always quite clean. Next there is a
quilted pad, then the sheet, which is of
fine white muslin, with a two-inch
hem-stitched hem, all around it. "'@
The upper sheet is just like the lower
one. Thesoft white wooden blanket has
hem one inch deep all around it, feath-
er-stitched with Asiatic twisted en-
broidery silk in pale blue. There was n
soft feather pillow, with slip of white
linen, finished ut the bottom with a
two-inch hem, also hemstitched. f"
A piece of white canvas, of the proper
size, was purchased from a dealer in
fancy work materials, and used for a
spread. Threads were drawn all around
it to form deep fringe. In the center
the mother embroidered a monogram
three inches long, in white and blue
Roman floss. Blue and white violets
scattered oyer the thread were worked
with Asiatic flo silk in their natural
colors, using two shades of green for
the leaves. This is one of the handsom-
est threads I have ever seen, and, like
everything else about the bed, it can
be washed any number of times, and
will look none the worse for it.-Phila-
delphia Press.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
Maryland Biscuit.

Ten cups of flour, one cup Of lard
Clutter or drippings may be used), two
small teaspoonfuls of salt; mixwith cold
water to a stiff dough; knead 20 min
utes. Now comes the difficult part.
Spread out the dough and pound it with
a rolling pin, club or mallet until you
are exhausted. Then call in a strong col.
ored man and order him to work over it
with club or the fiat part of an AK un-
til he is exhausted, Cut out, the, bis
cults with "a small cutter, place them in
a hot CREASED tin without touching
each other, and bake in quick oven.
Boston Globe. y. ..ar .u ..Nt
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
cRANDMoTHER'S KEEPsAKES
IOWA

Il is only dark green pasteboard box,
Tied up with a bit Of string;
But we all love It; in our eyes ~ 4 HtFH+
It is a sacred thing.
The corners are ragged the cover is thin,
But grandmother kept her keepsakes
within. /" Z" IS" gov
How well recall her caressiEg touch
AS she gently fondled them o'er;'
Her face so sweet sometimes grew sad,
Though she priced them more and more.
We children loved the treasures old,
And knew by heart the stories they told.
There is picture in its case,
OF grandmother's soldier brother;
An only son was he and brave. 1.' ''..
And tender to his mother.
But he obeyed his country's call "sjl
And he fought like hero-only to fall.
And this is the first gift grandfather gave
To his sweetheart long ago; "''ft"t N't
a curious little cedar box. 'H2 Ul ttli'H
Carved by himself. know. -lna Is. rIal
II holds brooch. well-worn ring, s.t ..
And some fancy buttons on a string.
The fancy buttons came from q coat
OF her little boy that died;
And these are the first shoes Uncle John
With ribbon they are tied. ads s8atngr,
Her first silver thimble. all worn smooth,
And quilt patch pieced by friend of her
youth. - -.rr,..fs. ...,s.....r &c.,.
This faded needle-case Of silk if-# .r.
What think you is in there? - =
Fastened to papers yellow with age,r,"s =
Are baby locks of hair. -+ .q -. .
"Ffner than silk" my grandmother said.
And there's one gray lock from grand
fathers head. ...tt .r.'... 70.
--R. L. Parmele. in Farmers Union.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
Canine Strategy.

Dogs are allowed to roam at large in
Madagascar, and in their frequent ex.
cursions they have constantly to pass
over the streams of this swampy
island. Here they are waylaid by those
horrid alligators, which regard dog
as dainty morsel. This is how the
canine quadrupeds contrive to dodge
the 'cocandrilles," as the French lines
men call them. They will assemble in
pack of half a dozen or more near the
bank of the river, and commence bark
ing with all their might. Whereupon
shoals of alligators are seen converg-
ing to the spot in eager expectation of
q copious feast. When all the alligators
of thesneighborhood are got together,
the dogs start Off at gallop and cross
the river in safety 200 or 300 yards up
stream. A remarkable proof this of the
instinct and intelligence of animals
Revue Anecdotieue.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04

James Howard, the Robert E. Lee, the
Golden Eagle, War Eagle, and dozens
OF other boats, side-wheelers and stern
wheelers. piled the river from ST. Louis
TO New Orleans, and carried passengers
and freight up the Ohio as well, and
there was also a line of Missouri river
boats. ..t..........s,s..-
The Tom Benton, one of the Missouri
river packets, was trinl-built steam
boat of the sidewheel pattern, and Il
favorite passenger boat on account of
the popularity Of her captain. Every
one in st. Louis who had any business
up the Missouri would wait over a day
or two if by so doing they could catch
the Tom Benton. A Mississippi river
packet at that time was perfect marvel
of cleanliness, comfort and elegance so
far Us her upper decks were concerned.
Parlors draped with the costliest fur
nishings, grand piano, mirrors, brass
hand rails down the stairs, everything
polished to glitter; it was luxury to
travel on good boat that the unhappy
occupant of a sleeping car never at
tains to. "
: And then it was such lazy delight in
the daytime, lolling in the shade, watch
ing the life on the river and along the
shores, occasionally climbing up to the
pilot house to exchange few words
with the king in charge there and for
the rest a little music, a smooth, easy
motion, the ever-varying panorama Of
sky, water, land and air.
Capt. Carter, of the Tom Benton, was
a widower with one daughter. Sally
Carter was as pretty girl as ever
whirled in the maZes of a waltz or
twirled fan at bewildered adorers, and
If the captain did worship anything on
earth next to his boat, it was my
daughter Sally" and if the captain
hated anything worse than he did the
captain and the pilot of the rival Mis-
souri, river packet, the Silver Crescent,
his friends had been unable to find it
out.
The captain, indeed, "Old Ned
Powers" as he called him, was not so
much an object of Capt. Carriers wrath
as of his derision and contempt. But
the pilot, DANDY Jim" Taliaferro (pro-
nounced Tolliver), he hated with con-
Stunning, silent rage. For Taliaferro
knew the river-that is, both the Mis-
sissippi and the Missouri-as u virtuoso
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
SCHOOL AND CHURCH.

Oxford, Cambridge and Dubl1
alone of all the British universities 70
fuse to grant degrees to women.
Durham university has granted the
honorary degree of doctor of divinity
to Rev. Sukius Baronian, archpriest OF
the Armenians in England.
Camille Mazzella, and his twin
brother, Mgr. Ernesto Mazzella, arch
bishop of Bari, are 63 years old. The
archbishop's coadjutor is his nephew,
Mgr. Orazio Mazzella, who is only 36.
At st. Georges Episcopal church.
New York, on Easter Sunday the choir
Of vested women walked down the
aisles in procession, with the vested
choir of men and boys singing the beau
tiful Easter anthems. 49, -, !,
England is once more afflicted with
bogus diplomas, purporting to be is
sued by American universities. The
latest Of these frauds calls itself the
National University Of Illinois" (Uni-
versitas Nationals Hlinoiensis). Its
offices are in London.
Germany is now the best, educated
nation on the contipeht,y yet only 100
years ago German teachers in many
parts of the country were SO poorly paid
that they used to sing infront of houses
in order to add to their income by odd
pence, fEN n T.. ~
There were 1906 students in at
tendance at Russian universities at the
beginning of the year, divided as fol-
lows: Moscow, 1855; st. Petersburg.
2,625; Kieve, 2,244; Helsingfors in Fin
land, 1875; Dorpat in Livonia, 1854;
Warsaw, 1885; Kharkev, 1900; Kezan,
s25; Odessa, SIS, and Tomsk in Siberia.
405. og - .4,,o- s..f..ls.. ..,.s
In the. private chapel at Windsor
castle, whichis octagonal in shape, with
q lantern roof, the queens pew is in the
gallery, in the division next to the organ
loft. The household sit below, the
women on one side and the men on the
other. There is choir of three men
and two boys, drawn from st. Georges
chapel. p.
H. Laroche, the new resident-gen-
eral in Madagascar, has asked the SUI
perior of the Trappists in Algeria to send
Catholic missionaries to Madagascar,
promising land grants, free passage and
and the special protection of the gov
eminent. The compliment to theTrap-
pists is the greatest in that M. Laroche
is probably the last person who has
been accommodated by the Catholic
church, owing to his evicting the re-
igious orders at Montpelier and that he
has lately turned Protestant.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
A Thoughtful Creditor.

RESPONSIBILITIES, you remember that
fifty loaned you two years ago
Wilkes-You are not going to press a
friend for payment, are YOU"
Hobson-Certainly not. Take your
time 1 only wish to borrow 1t for
swhile,--Bay City Chat.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
All About western Farm Lands.

The Corn Belt' is the name Of an illus.
trated monthly newspaper published bv the
Chicago, Burlington and Quincy r. r. II
aims to give information in an interesting
way about the farm lands of the west. Send
25 cents In postage stamps to the Corn Belt,
209 Adams st., Chicago, and the paper viii
be sent to your address for one year.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
Piano and Organ Agents.

WANTED-Reliable men to take the agency
for our pianos and organs in every county
not already represented. Money can be made.
Only men of good habits who can give first
class references need apply. Address EsTET
s. CAMP, No. 233 State ST., Chicago, Ill.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
Frosted Annie Pie.

Make an ordinary apple pie, leaving
Off the upper crust. When baked, beat
the whites of two eggs to stiff frotb,
add one tablespoonful of powdered
sugar, spread over the top of the pie and
place in the oven until a delicate brown
IN. Y. Ledger.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
HOT RACE FOR HIS BRIDE.
BY ERNEST MGAFFEY.

the b ig
b r / d 6 e w a 8
stretched from St.
Louis to East St.
Louis t h e river
trade was at its
height, and steam
boats lined the
levee from north to
south for a long
dis lance. 7 h e
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
l. G Q !

Ing is positive proof of thin, weak, i'm
pure blood; for II the blood Is rioh, red,
vitalized and vigorous, it imparts life and
energy to every nerve, organ and tissue OF
the body. The necessity Of taking Hoods
Sarsaparilla for that tired feeling Is,
therefore, apparent to every one, and the
good it will do you is equally beyond ques-
ton Remember that
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
Wben the summer Breere

Blows through the trees, most Of US who
cross the Atlantic. Whether it is business
or pleasure calls one from home, Hostel
ter's Stomach Bitters is the best accom-
paniment OF o voyage or an outing. Yachts
men, sea captains, commercial travellers
and emigrants concur in this opinion. The
Bitters Is unrivalled for bilious, malarial,
dyspeptio or liver disorder.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
Choice Farming Lands in South Dakota

Choice Farming Lands In South Dakota
Along the line Of the Chicago, Milwaukee 81
St. Paul Railway can now be had upon
reasonable terms. The crop prospects were
never better and glorious iarvest.for this
year is already assured. Thousands Of acres
/ of unoccupied lands mover twenty counties
ARE now open for settlement. For further
information address H@F. HUNTER. 1mmi-
grafton Agent for South Dakota, No. 296
Dearborn street, Chicago, Ill.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04

knows the keyboard of his piano, and
he never grew careless and lost his men,
tai grip of the situation.
1t was a curious knowledge, this pilot
lore, born of days and nights and years
ON the river, the most acute and watch
full observation, keen eyes to detect
signs that passed unnoticed to an un-
practiced sight and memory marvel
Gus in its scope and accuracy. Much pa
thence, too, and IA sixth sense of subtle
river craft that OWNED things like a
seer. And Dandy Jim" was 26, tall,
handsome, with. the most immaculate
of white shirt fronts, where glistened a
perfect bull's-eye of diamond. He
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04

WHES we put our picture In the magaz ine
or newspaper, we always select the photo
that was taken good while ago.-Indisn-
ApoliS News. -
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04

ON EVEN TERMs.-"Why do you always
select poor partner at whistl" $50 thaS
we can understand each others mishaps.'
Detroit Free Press.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04

Coop nature is the very air of good
mind, the sign Of large and generous soul,
and the peculiar soil in which virtue pros
pers.-Goodman. 49, g..
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-06-04
sudden CHANGE of diet is sometim

Sudden change of diet is sometimes
dangerous. During the revolutionary
war soldiers from the southern states
became mysteriously i'll when marched
into the north. They longed for fat
bacon, and most of them recovered
when this was served out TO them as
part of their rat:ons.