The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-05

that the good old custom of making calls
on New Years day is slowly but surely
dying out
do you like the practice?"
'Verwy much. When you cawn't think
of anything else, you can say Happy
New Year and it's the only time when
l evah feel weally at home as u conver-
sationalist." t."-Washington Star.
Mcclure the tramp)-Spare copper to
an Ould sodger, sorr?
The Mayor-What! You a soldier?
McGuire--Yes, sorr, and more. sOrr On
one occasion l made u whole regiment or
the enemy run, sorr.
The Mayor--Did they catch you?-lllus,
trated Bits.
Exasperated Citizen-I.ook here, l want
to make complaint against your con.
founded cable-cars. Yesterday got
caught in blockade and had to sit anu
walt for nearly an hour.
Superintendent just like you fell
lows, never satisfied. Why, another man
Just came in and complained that the
cars went so fast he couldn't get on.--Life.
Not Unreasonable. had any
you?' said the man who had stopped a
moment to listen to a tale of woe. well.
here's q dime
That won't go very far toward salts
Mosely Wraggs. with an apologetc cough.
EFF you don't mind, Cap'n. III use It for
squenchin' my thirst" And he disap-
peared with great alacrity.-Chicago Tri-
bune.
erature.-Editor-You narrative is
too bald.
Author-very well. I will produce some
hair-raising Incidents. - Detroit Free
Press.
"A frien in need" said Uncle Eben,
"am h'ble ter be de frien' dat yoh done
matt \, ,onl- 1Npr m
previous occasions. s."-Washington Star.
Haverly-Jack says no proposed to Miss
Saddle at the horse show.
Austen-Did she accept him?
Haverly-She was too full OF the horses:
All he could get out OF her was "Neigh!"
Puck.
Prof. Schuslich--I don't know what's the
matter with me, doctor; l am perpetually
llmping today. Is it locomotor ataxy,
wonder?
Doctor-Why. professor, you are walk
the other in the gutter.-Lustige Blaetter.
snobberly-what do you think I found
last year when was at Long Branch?
Knickerbocker-1've no idea Was 1t a
pocket book?
snobberly-No; found that everything
was very deaa.-Texas Siftings.
Teacher-what was Joan of Arch maid
Of?
Bright Pupil-AIade Of dust.-Boston
Transcript.
Are you not ashamed Of yourself. beg
"Oh. l beg in the daytime. too"-New
York Times.
Teacher-So. Georgie. you were named
after George Washington. were you?
Young George-YesIn; some time after
-Roxbury Gazette.
Customer docking at himself in the
glass)-The trousers are not the kind they
are wearing this season, are they? They
seem to be out of style.
Clothing Merchant-Metn friendt, dose
bants vas all right. but your legs vas
yoost a liddle basse.--Chicago Tribune.
The teacher was asking questions
ana they sometimes receive curious an
swers. This question was as follows:
Now. pupils, how many months have
twenty eight days."
"All Of them. teacher" replied the boy
on the front seat-Utica Observer
A Sure Thing-"You don't have a pro-
fessional poet In your system of govern
ment. remarked the English statesman
TO Emperor William.
No was the reply. when want
anything done we'll | do 1t myself
Washington Star.
An Austin youth whose income is not
quite as extensive as that Of Nanderblt's
eOt al afse Ink spot on his coat. He asked
friend now the stain could be removed
You can get a chemical preparation for
% cents. Just soak the spct with II and
II VIII come out
Il guess ] had better soak the whole
suit. | can get 81 that way,"-Texas Sift-
ines.
Aunt Matilda-How many young men
are there At the academy?
The Student-About 200
Aunt Matilda-lndeed! All studying for
the ministry?
The Student-WeIl some for the min.
lstry aud some for the police force-New
York World.
Little Girls Appcal-A poor uttlc
damsei had trouble. with her mother nnt
long ago. The direct consequence was
ih.it she was sent into her room for rnedi-
TALON and. supposedly. repentance A lis
tener hapepned to hear the mites defiance.
when she thought herself unobseryel aud
alone. She threw herself on her knees
before her bed and. burying herself in the
pillow, began a prayer for guidance But
the petition had this very significant COM
mencement:
80. Lord. consider how am treated"
New York Times.
Il should think YOU would feeel a bit
nervous over the idea of your husband
gong away out there among Ahe gold
mines to be gone IA whole year or lon
ger,' said the caller.
II do" replied Mrs. Pankey "I.m
afraid he'll lose all interest In me and the
Tribune.