davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
The Redeemfne Feature.

Husband = There was something
about Miss Browns singing tonight
that / liked.
Wife-Indeed2 What could it have
been?
Husband-The was very little of it.
Town Topics.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
An Assistance.

''Do you think that it prolongs q
mans life to be insured 2"
'sYes," replied the man who had just
been interviewed by an agent; sit does
something toward keeping him from
being talked to death. ."-Washingto
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
In the Cloth.

Miss Dorothy-C Curious thing, that
Rev. Mr.. Hicks should marry his type
writer.
The Rival Parson-Had to. She knew
where he got his sermons.-Bay City
Chat.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28

Primus-Spangler has written a play.
secundus- Has it been produced?
Primus-Yes, last night.
Secundus-Full house?
Primus-Packed.
Secundus-Did the audience call for
spangler after the curtain fell?
Primus-Yes, and demanded their
money back.-Bay City Chat.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
sold worth.

What attracted young Coppage to
that homely cir? T.
why, her name is Maria, and she
won't let anybody call her Marie.''-
Chicago Record.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
Long Lived.

what is the average life of good
bicycle, sprockets?'
..Nell, some of them last until they
are paid for. Chicago Record.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
WHY He Was q Mouse.

MrssNagleigh agriiy }--Are you a
mar or are you a mouse? That's what
want to know.
Mr.. Nagleigh lsotto-voee1-1 guess T
must be mouse. Ihaye evidently been
caught by a eat.-N. 7. World
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
lis Yiew Confirmafl.

He-Marry me. dear. and you shall
want for nothing.
she-Fhere; always heard it said
that marriage put an end to woman's
happiness +! Yonkers Statesman.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
she Thought He Must Be Drunk.

She Thought He Must Be Drunk.
Uncle Josiah Jernigan is one of the
men which, OWN to the scandlous hot
weather and sorry crops and politics,
got SO melancholic and low down along
in durin of the summer.
So Uncle Josiah he goes around to see
old DR.. Leatherwoed, and. told him
a great long rigamarale about his
broke down and long -sufferin eondi-
ton. After feelin and thumpin around
considerable, tryin to find somethin
the matter with the sick man, the old
doctor ad 10 give it up.
There Amt a blame thing the matter
with you, Josiah, exceptin fearful bad
case of the mully-grubs, with little
mixtry of pure meanness,'s says lie:
=, : Now you go on back home and eat and
i sleep and be virtuous and happy. Sing
Nesgong or two along the road as you go,
d. !, whistle few tunes-sometLin
qS,k and devilish if you can, Josiah.
.Analthen, when. you git home, looh. as
jollySSspt1 cheerful like as you cans Kiss
the children all around and then pitch
in andShug and kiss your wife two or
three times, like you used to some
thirty or forty years ago. Play young
and well-that's the idea, Josiah. |
know youfeel worse than The devil, but
make out like you feel jest simply bully
and the good feelin will grow on You
as natural as dirt. You may not be SO
very young. and well, but. you amt too
old to play the game that way for few
days anyhow, and that win be bet
ter than medicine and doctors for YOU
Well, uncle he took the old doctors
advice, and went home that evenin in a
good humor with everybody and evcry-
thing in the whole discovered world.
He sung songs and whistled tunes along
the road as he went - anything from
/ "Amazin Grace. to "Mollie, Put the
Kettle On"
And then when he rid up at home he
dismounted and got down as quick and
nimble as he ever did in his younger
and gallin days, when hewenta-courtin
Matilda Ann Dudley some forty years
ago. He kissed the children one and
all, and jest stnaturalIy loaded EN- down
with sweet crackers and stick candy
Then he paid his breasted re-
CARDS to his good wife, Aunt Matilda
Ann, and hugged her and kissed her,
and kissed and hugged her over and
over three or four times.
Aunt Matilda Ann she caught long
breath and shifted the air and looked
mighty bad puzzled and pestered and
surprised.
Il can't smell no whisky, Josiah"
says she, "and it aint fer me TO bring a
ecandalation enethe family, but you do
act to me powerful like you monght
be drinkin, if NOT drunk"
But anyhow, the old doctors head
was as level as it was long. And Uncle
Josiah Jernigan has now about recov-
cred from his pad low-down spell.
Where They Do Run Trains.
Bill Irammel, one of the Murder
Creek ,sst of Tralnmel boys, has Jest
here lately returned from long trip
to the Pan-Handle country Of Texas.
sYou hear people talk about railroads
and railroad stfdins. Bufe, but they |
never will llnow3a b1ame thing aboutat |
till they take trip to ths Pan Handle" |
says Billy to me the other day. There
is where they do run railroad trains to /
q deaa hellatious certainty. You see.
Rufe, they don't have no creeks and
rivers TO cross. ard 70 hills ard hoI- I
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28

man flesh. He
was way yonder
the richest man
in all the regions
around r o c k y
Creek, and yet
still l do reckon
he was the gone
byest most poer-
est man that ever
breathed t h e
breath Of mortal
life or ulantad
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
Yes, Indeed.

Those horseless carriages" said Flo;
"Oh, won't they be real grand7
It always bothers Clarence so
To drive with Just one hand"
Buffalo Times.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
Disgusted with PoIltIcs, Z,

Il think I'll abandon the stump. Z
said Rivers. throwing away the rem
nant of the campaign cigar a candidssEi
had gigen him. Chicago Tribune
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
at is quite o1d.0 said one.

Yes" replied the other, "but not
more than $50 years, should say. You
will notice that it has the bicycle face
and the telephone ear. Those peeul-
iarities did not develop until near he
close of the nineteenth century, accord
ing to the best authorities."-N. Y.
World,
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
A Simple Exclamation.

y
The politicians have been oratin and
speechifyin so frequent and pro1nis-
Gus among the boys here lately till
blamed if the ground amt wore smooth
and slick for miles around. Gold or
silver, which2 is still the nlainestques-
tion.
The general confusionment in re-
CARDS to gold and silver putsme in mind
ofethe riddle, which Andy Lucas give
Blev Scroggins onest upon a time. All
three of us was nothin more than
chunks of boys then, and goin to
school together over at the cross roads
Andy and Blevq they had got into 4
mighty way of sayin riddles to one
another. It was nip and tuck as to
which could turn the other down with
q new riddle. COMM along home from
school one evenin Andy hit Blew with
a new one, and it was sumner.
''There is lady over 10 our house" "
says Andy, (which she is my mothers
sister, but she amt my aunt. How is
that, Blev?"F Y SS@ as& = $50 s*s y
Wen, Blew he couldn't cut through
and had to give itup, though Andy give
him till next mornin to work the sum if
he could.
So B1ev he went home and told his
lfather,gold man Jerry Scroggins, about
it and called for help. Naturally, of
course, the old man couldn't see.
through the riddle and it pestered him
powerful. He scratched his head
and raclted and ransaclsed his brain Till
bed time, but he. couldn't git the an
swer. And then when he went to bed
he couldn't go to sleep for thinkin about
Andy Lucas and the riddle. Tie rolled
and he tumbled till way along towards
midnight without lick of sleep and
he couldn't standit no longer He Iiz
up and went out and saddled his horse
and rid over to old man Hiram Lucases
which Andy ut that time was half
orphant and him and his mother was
livin there with his grandfather-and
hollered him up and called him out to
the front gate.
Old man Hiram he come out snortin
and cussin about his neighbors can;n
him at such "hellatiousa late hour,
and consequentially Jerry scroggins
went on to the mainest question.
.'That boy Andy give my boy Bley a
riddle this evenin which he can't work
It and can't work it" says he. ".And
what is more couldn't leepforthinltin
about it and so / have come ever. here
to git the facts. Andy told Blew that
there was a lady here which was his
own mothers sister, but she want his
aunt. Now T5waat to know how to cx-
plain that2''
ssIEhys,Jerry. that's s-elear-a as glass
aud easy asaf afallin offawet log ssaysold
man Hiren. l'ainy sinlin- headed IDIOT
ought to see through thaf''
.gTell me how 1t is then" says Jerry,
$50 / can go on back home and rest in
peace andlgo to Sleep
Well, Jerry" says old man Hiram,
ayou see that boy Andy Jest simply told
your boy Blevs Ia dad blame lie..
Thus after hearinsvarfous and sundry
on both sides. of the money
question / am bound to think that some
one has told little white one about it.
RUFUS SANDERS.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
Ono Way to Get Even.

Mrs. Bingo (excitedly) Say, the Bax-
ters. next door, are going to have their
house painted brown; now we must
have ours painted a little lighter shade.
Mr.. Ringo (testily)-I suppose if
they had their house painted pure
white. you would want one lighter
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28

Mrs. Bingo-No, Iwouldn't. I'd burn
soft coal every day the wind was right.
Harlem Life.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
He Didn't Know where to sleep.

He Didn't Know Where to Sleep.
Talltin about Billy Trammel - that
puts me. in mindsof another wanderer
returned back home. Squire Riley
Norton got back oneday last week from
his long summer trip to some big sui
phur spring somewheres over there in
|the mountains of Georgy and Tennes-
see.
When the squire left home he was a
poor lonesome widdower and wearin
of the weeds to beat six bits. But it
would seem like he met up with a gay
and gorgeous wilder over there at the
big spring, and both of them bein more
than willin, it didn't take very long for
them to work out the little sum where
in you add up two together and only git
one for the answer.
To be short and plain about it, the
squire and the wilder they pitched in,
they did, and went and got married.
And then the most strangest part of he
business comes in. Dadblame it, they
didn't stay married. The very next
day the squire put in his papers for
SOob tliC
knot united on the grounds of domes-
tic incompatibility and false pretenses,
or words to thatextent.
II reckon I mought as well own Up,
TO it, Rufe," says the squire, ."that wild E
der was one too many for me. Tor
why? Well, she was false, Rufe-the
most falsest woman have ever saw.
I knowed she had false teeth, but that
want nothin. When | retired to the
bridal departments that night, reckon
maybe the widder had went tf bed. l
couldn't say for certain about that. But
there was y full setfof false teeth,
thunderin big role of false hair, cork
leg and one glass eye layin there on
the table. I Ireckon maybe acted like a
durn fool. know felt like one.
tlidn' + know for certain where to sleerI
to go to bed or git on the
table. Consequentially I didn't go to
sleep anywheres that night, and the
next day put in my papers for divorce
nlent. All the facts and the evidence
was on my side, and soon put the
widder away on the general charge OF
false pretenses."
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
Their Conclusions.

Two scientists of the twenty-frst CEN
tury were examining with deep interest
petrifed body which had just been dis
covered.
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
lows out there Ike you lia,e got here.

lows out there Ike you na5e got here.
They don't have no up grades nor down
grades, but everything on a smooth
dead level. And when they start &
train out on a trip.all fhe engineer has
got to do is to pull the durn thing wide
open and let her go. 8
= some Sunday mornin out there in the
Pan Handle went down the read about
so miles to the next station to see a
young lady, which | was tremendous
bad gone on about that time. l spent
the day with her and that evenin she
went to the station to see me on and
off. / had got on the cars, you under
stand, Rufe, and jest as the bell rung
and the train started |, stuck my head
out of the window to kiss the girl good
by. And what do you reckon, Rufe2
burned if ! didn't kiss a. cow in the
mouth two miles up the road. Out
there in the Pan Handle, Rufe-thatis
where they do run railroad trains.''
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
SHORT STORIES.
Fun of Quaint Hunor and Rugged
Philosophy.
Death OF Poor Old Mantle Bride
groom Didn't Know Where to-
Sleep - Andy Lucas and
the Riddle.

Poor old man Luther Blanton is dead
end gone the common way of all hu-
St. Landry clarion. (Opelousas, La.) 1890-1921, 1896-11-28
a tIisleading .Ad."

NIlsIeading ssAd.'H
Customer You advertised guinea
pigs.
Dealer Yes, sir, here they are.
But these are the ordinary porh-
ers. .
.Quite true; ii the adj | referred il
the price. They are d guinea each
Washington Times.
Perfect Gentleman.
Tommy Paw can q man be a perfect
Air. EggNot lis poker debts fns
! adianapolis journal
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-01-16
HOME HINTS AND HELPS.
Creoms-Flavor a

Raspberry Creams.-Flavor a little
fondant, with raspberry extract, form
In balls, cubes or oblongs, and dip in
cream colored delicate pink. Vanilla
creams are made by simple flavor
Ing piece of fondant with vanilla;
form in balls and dip in white, pink or
yellow.-Orange Judd Farmer.
Dainty little egg cosies" made of
cream white MORE are decorated by
waved lines and zigzags couched in
gold thread. A Slender gold cord is
couched to the bottom edge and passed
up and over the curved top; reaching
the apex of the cosey, it is caught up
In three loops for handle. The cosey
is lined with silk and stuffed with
down.
Stuffed Fillet of Mutton.-For this
the thick end of a well-hung leg of mutt
ton will be required. The bone must
be removed, the cavity filled with good
forcemeat which has little onion in it.
The fillet should be filed neatly, well
skewed, and bound with tape into
shape. Roast it thoroughly, and serve
with red currant jelly.-Liverpool Mer-
curry.
Leg of Mutton Stuffed.-Have leg
of mutton boned, and fill the cavity
with force meat made of four ounces
of fine minced suet, two of ham, and
six of bread crumbs. Season with
thyme, marjoram, basil, chopped pars-
ley, onion, salt, pepper and nutmeg.
Bind with two well-beaten eggs. Sew
up the opening and bake, basting fire.
quently-N. Y. Ledger.
Apple Dumping. - Make rich
crust, as forshortcake. Roll into round
pieces about five inches in diameter.
Pare and slice tart apples, place a
small handful in the center of each
piece of crust; add sugar, cinnamon
and lump of butter to each; bring the
edges together and compress. Place
In pan, sprinkle with -four, sugar and
cinnamon. Add boiling water to near
ly cover all. Bake till brown. Serve
with liquid sauce or sugar and cream.
--Housekeeper.
--Tutti Fruit Candy. - Into soft
pink fondant colored with cochineal
put candied cherries and lay into but
tered bread pan, pressing it fiat on the
top; make a second layer of fondant
colored green Spinach leaves may be
used, into which pistachio nuts have
been put; color q third layer yellow
(snffron will do this) into which put
citron OF walnuts. Let the whole get
very cold. Cut in slices with chopping
knife or large carving knife.-Prairie
Farmer.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-01-16
CALIFORNIA FRUITS.
Should Not Be Allowed to Monopolize
Central and Western Markets.

Should Not BE Allowed to Monopolize
Central and Western Markets.
A leading grocer advertises Cali
fornia peaches, California lemon cling
peaches, California white heath
peaches, California Bartlett pears and
even California corn, tomatoes, cove oy-
sters, etc. 1t seems absurd that Mis-
souri, should use such vast supplies
from California, not only peach, pear,
and the same is true of Illinois and
many other states.
These fruits and vegetables are pro.
duced in California, on costly land,
high-priced labor, enormous freight
crossing the mountains, and yet it
pays them. Why not Ozark peaches
and pears, adding Missouri or Arkan-
sas, as the case may be, and why not
Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky and len
nessee corn and tomatoes, as well as
fruit? People of the Ozarks, Colorado
and New Mexico are beginning to wake
up, and soon California will cease gath
ering all the cream. We admire their
enterprise, but we want to see more
of it in every state. People every
where should grow more fruits and not
depend on disposing of it in the green
state; have canning factories, make
jelly, preserves, etc. Look what
great industry preserving of fruits is
in England Bros Orchard Bull
letin
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-01-16
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
FARM TELEPHONE.
One That Can BE Put Up for q Dollar and
Fifty Cents.

One That Can BE Put Up for q Dollar and
Fifty Cents.
A simple telephone that is well adapt
Cd for use in country places or small
villages, between houses not more than
a quarter of mile apart, can be made
by anyone, and the cost need not be
more than S1.50. A line of this kind
has been in constant use for Is years
and still works better than the ordi-
nary electric telephone, while the ex-
pense of keeping it in repair has been
nothing. The distance is about 20
rods and the line straight and level.
70 make q telephone of this kind
cut out four pieces, a, each s inches
square, from half-inch board that
has been planed on both sides. Any de-
sired wood can be used. From the
center of each, with radius of two
inches. describe a circle, b. Fasten
the pieces together in pairs, crossing
the grain, and cut around the circle
with scroll or lleyhole saw. From a
drumhead ian old one is just as good),
cut two pieces about 6 inches in dame
ter, and soak them in water that is
slightly warm, until they are soft.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-01-16
DAIRY SUGGESTIONS.

The cow will utilize peck and a
half of potatoes a day at least. Feed
in three feeds.
Keep the milk flow up to the highest
practical standard. If it falls below
it is harder work to get it up than it ia
TO keep it up.
Shredded corn folder is growing in
popularity. Dairymen find it first
class, and horse owners in the towns
are beginning to seek it.
In considering the profit of butter
making we should take into considcra-
.tion that butter takes but little from
the soil, less than any other farm prod.
uct.
We are asked II shredded corn fodder
Is as good as ensilage. Not for some
purposes, and perhaps not for any pur-
pose. But shredded corn fodder Is o
grand good thing.-Farmer's Voice.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-01-16
KNOWLEDGE

Brings comfort and Improvements xr&
tends to personal enjoyment whsDt
rightly used. The many, who live bet-I
ter than others and enjoy life more, vita
less expenditure, by more promptly
adapting the worlds best products 10
the needs Of physical being, win ATTEST
the value to health of the pure KquiaI
laxative principles embraced In tho
remedy, Syrup of Figs.
Its excellence is due to It's presenting
In the form most acceptable and please
ant to the taste, the refreshing and trnlyI
beneficial properties of a perfect la1-I
alive; effectually cleansing the sysAenap
dispelling colds, headaches and fsycrs
and permanently curing constipation
1t has given satisfaction to millions and
met with the approval of the medical
profession, because it acts on the Kid
neys, Liver and Bowels without weak
ening them and it is perfectly free fEuza
every Objectionable substance. )
Syrup of Figs is for sale by All drug
gists in SOC and 81 bottles, but it 10 MARI
ufactured by the California Fig Syrup,
Co. only, whose name is printed on every
package, also the name, Syrup OF FigA
and being well informed, you viii mob
accept any substitute If offered.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-01-16
THE ACIDS OF FRUITS.
A Compilation of Interest to Horticuf
turists and Gardeners.

A Compilation of Interest to Horticut-
turists and Gardeners.
The grateful acid of the rhubarb
leaf arises from the malic acid and bi-
noxalate of potash which it contains;
the acidity of the lemon, orange and
other species of the genus citrus is
caused by the abundance of citric acid
which their juice contains; that of
the cherry, plum, apple and pear from
the malic acid in their pulp; that of
gooseberries and currants, black, red
and white, from a mixture of malic
and citric acids; that of the grape from
mixture of malic and tartaric acids;
that OF the mango from citric and
very fugitive essential oil; that of the
tamarind from a mixture of citric, NAL
ic and tartaric acids; the flavor of the
asparagus from aspartic acid, found
also in the root of the marshmallow,
and that of the cucumber from a pc
culiar poisonous ingredient called fun
gin, which is found in all fungi, aud
is the cause of the cucumber being
offensive to some stomachs.
1t will be observed that rhubarb Ia
the only fruit which contains binoxalate
of potash in conjunction with an acid.
Beet root owes it's nutritious quality to
about nine per cent. of sugar which it
contains, and its flavor is peculiar
substance, containing nitrogen mixed
with poetic acid.
The carrot owes it's fattening pow
crs also to sugar, and it's flavor to pc
culiar fatty oil; the horseradish derives
its flavor and blistering power from a
volatile acrid oil. The Jerusalem arti-
choke contains 14Hs per cent. of sugar
and three per cent. of inulin "a variety
of starch), besides gum and peculiar.
substance to which it's flavor is owing,
and lastly, garlic and the rest of the
onion family derive their peculiar odor
from a yellowish, volatile acrid oil, but
they are nutritious from containing
nearly half their weight of gumny
and glutinous substances not yet clear
ly detined.-G. w. johnson, in Chem
istry of the World.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-01-16
Size of the Model Potato.

A potato that will weigh one-quarter
OF a pound is about two inches in d.
aII.eter and is Of the smallest size al
lowable when sorting for the marker.
When potatoes of this size are used for
cooking, there Is far more waste than
with larger ones, and the quality is no
Letter than that of two-pound pota-
toes Of the same variety. The model
potato Is kidney shaped, has few eyes
and those nearly even with the sur
rounding surface, and it weighs three
quarters of pound. Sucn potato 10
salable, but for use in farmers fam.
lily there in not the least objection to
those that weigh two pounds If of .
variety not liable to be hollow.-Rursl
World.