The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-02-29
A NATURAL RESULT:


that his cries had attracted.
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A NATURAL RESULT:
He minced his words in such way
And flowery periods tried,
That when he read his speech next day
He found the matter pied.
Chicago Times Herald.
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Since the death of ex-Congressman
Frank Lawler, of Chicago, q number of
anecdotes concerning him have been told,
especially in Washington, where he Is well
remembered 1t is related of Lawler that
on one occasion he gave the doorkeepe:s
of the house strict Instructions not to pre-
sent any more cards TO him, as he was
greatly annoy ed by callers, who were taxi
ing mp half his time in the lobbies. Mrs.
l.awler one day approached doorkeeper
who had held his position but u shor,
time. and who did not know her, She
asked to see Congressman Lawler. "Sor-
ry, madam" he said politely, Mr. Law
ler will see no one" ION. yes" said
Mrs. Lawler. he will see me. You just
tell him his wife Is out here THAT
won't do" said the doorkeeper-"that
racket is worked on members every day
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CUTTING 1T SHORT:
The barber talked necessarily,
And |, in brief retort.
Remarked: Just trim my hair, you
know,
But cut the other short"
Chicago Times Herald.
ill
\ foreign critic has sport with Brandcr
Matthews over a curious blunder in enc
of that impressionistic gentl-U:an's $ stories.
The tale deals with an elderly banker ami
his son, operations on Wall street forming
the background. The blunder which
makes laughter spread among readers
who are at all acquainted with finance is
this:
The father and son took their hats and
were about to leave the office, when Ezra
Pierce paused.
"Mr. Arrowsmith," he said, whats the
balance at the bank today
1.-The Old banker opened the check
book again and answered: Not quite
two Millions"
1t is needless to say that no firm keeps
such an amount in one bank In cheap
novel destined for small boys with yearn-
ings for wild west occurs this;
1.-THE hero fell at the first shot. The
surgeon bent over him. Safe he whis-
pered The bullet has grazed his tenn
pie, that's all But had 1t gone an eighth
of an inch deeper 1t would have severed
the femoral artery"
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NOT so BAD:
If bachelors with womens ways
Were only more acquainted,
Compilations poor they'd lind were not
AS bad as they are painted.
Chicago Times Herald
tit
The story-tellers in Paris are reviVing
an old story about the man who was
deaf and who was recommended to 20 TO a
performance of "I.ohcngrin' and sit near
the trombones. He did so. taking along
the doctor who had recommended lhis
cure All of a sudden when the noise OF
the orchestra was at its loudest, the deaf
man found he could hear. Doctor" he
almost shrieked. II can hear!" The doc
tor took no notice. 81 tell you, Doctor
repeated the man in ecstasy, you nave
saved me. | can hear" Still the doctor
was silent. He had become deaf himself
iii
STRAINS FORM CHICAGO:
When they strained their relations
The dregs were so coarse
A lawyer soon found them
Grounds for divorce.
BY the Times Herald
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Many are the tales OF miscrly men and
witticisms which their failing drew forth
Every one knows the story of the wealthy
man who desired his son to bury with him
a large portion of his fortune. The son
was more astuto than his father, for he
drew a check for the required amount and
placed It in the coffin with the remark that
the governor was always careful man
and never carried money about" An
other tale which is brand new is this: The
departing Croesus was a clergyman who
had paid more attention to the laying
up OF treasure on earth than in heaven
In his last days he was carefully tended
by "a faithful body servant. All. Tom"
he said to this servant, $50 ] must 20
and leave all my gold and silver behind
me-"
"Ah, sir replied Tom. there's no help
for that. But then, you don't mind; II
you's take it it would only melt"
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A DEGENERATE
Is hyuh King Coal were a jolly soul,
Wen he sang in de nus'ry rhyme;
But dis winter, chile. am a dif'ent style
Fun ole oncet-uponer-time.
An now wen de fros' begins ter freeze,
An de blizzard stahts ter bliZ.
He's quick ter talk an he's hahd ter
please.
An de tryin'est king as Is.
De Norf Win ten, like is neares' frien',
Ter is business, an fro de cracks
When is bref he blow, yoh KANT say
mo
IF he calls yer ter pay dat tax.
An it's goodbye. 'lasses, an goodbye,
ham.
Fob de money hez got ter roll
Away from de mahket ter meet de palm
o. dat grasper, or King Coal.
Washington Post.