Frostburg mining journal. [volume] (Frostburg, Md.) 1871-1913, 1896-05-16
GEMS OF QUICK WIT.
HAPPY ANSWERS WORTHY OF A
PLACE IN LITERATURE.

Old Witticisms Which Arc as Good Today
as When They Were First Put Forth.
Law Courts and Prisoners Furnish q
Goodly Share.
Mr.. Samuel Weller's memorable evil
dence at certain breach of promise
trial is probably "record" for the
greatest number of happy answers in tho
shortest time, but there are authenti-
Gated instances of actual utterances
which certainly rival them in brilliance
and appropriateness. The law courts, as
may be imagined, furnish their full
quota, but many are, perforce, unappre-
ciablo by those unacquainted with the
technicalities or the target" of the TO-
rum. Still. Lambs chatting description
of friend s maiden brief as the "first
great cause least understood" is in
comprehensive enough, as is the quiet,
acquiescent "That is so, my lord" of
the barrister to whom an irate Judge
had just observed, II can't give you
brains, Mr. So-and-so." 81, myself,
have two small manors, my lord, said
very i'll bred, pompous counsel, to il
lustrate a question of property law.
''We all know that, Mr.. Kewsey," OBJ
served the judge with suave courtesy,
and u smile of delight ran round tho
assembled bar. Look at me, sir, and
attend to what shall ask you," thun-
dered u learned counsel whose unfortu-
nate ''homeliness" of feature had gain
ed him the sobriquet of the Yelled
Prophet "This is an English court"
rejoined the witness quietly, "and you
have no right to impose torture before
putting the question.
Prisoners, too, have fair proportion
of "happy answers" credited to them
OF these perhaps the best known are
that Of man who, when asked if he
pleaded guilty or not guilty" replied
that he couldn't say till he had heard
the evidence, and the naive response of
the prisoner to the usual question before
the sentence, 'SIave you anything to
say, prisoner, before sentence is pro-
nounced upon you?' cts very kind Of
your honor, and if it's quite agreeable
to the court should like to say Good
evening. On one occasion counsel i'll
a certain drainage case submitted that
the plaintiffs, the Sewage Localization
company, had ''no locus standi' in this
court. ''HeavCn forbid!'' was the fer
vent ejaculation Of the learned judge.
Something akin to this was the answer
of the judge when complaint was made
that a lucklcss process server had been
compelled to swallow the writ he had
endeavored to serve. 81 hope,' said his
lordship gravely, "that the writ was
not made returnable in this court. :"
The "happy answers" owing their
point to Biblical Or ecclesiastical allu-
sions, are still moro numerous, but in
many cases are somewhat too audacious
for print. ''He is a regular st. Paul"
was the final eulogy made by an enthu-
siastic friend Of a certain needy clergy
man whose chronic impecuniosity had
brought him into painfully frequent ia
mlllarity with the various processes Of
the law for tho recovery of debts
Eyes" said the bishop, whose assist
ance was being solicited, "quite so. I
see-'in prisons off," The pardonable
but injudicious enthusiasm of some cler-
gymen over their musical services has
given rise to many smart sayings, which
are, at any rate, "bcn trovato." None,
perhaps, is better than the familiar one
of the exasp2rated visitor who, after be-
ing made to listen in torment to Gre
gorian chants cruelty murdered, was
told that according to tradition those
chants owed their origin to King David
himself. Tho visitor, rendered reckless
by his misery, rotorted that he had Of
ten wondered why Saul threw that jaw
elm at the royal psalmist, but he quite
understood it now.
A careworn divine is reported to have
said i'll reply to the ccstatic declaration
of an intending Benedict that nothing
i'll the world beats good wife," ooh,
vice versa'" One would like to have
known the schoolgirl who, in reply to
her brothers jeers and inquiry, "Why
girls should be always kissing each 9TH
er and men not?" said that, of course,
it was because girls had nothing better
to kiss and men had-but perhaps she
studied the question too deeply and de-
veloped into the fair cynic who, after
season or two of conquests, gave it as
her opinion that men were like colds,
very easy to catch and very hard to get
rid Of. Few better things are recorded
than the answer of Beaconstield to the
question how he felt after the change
from the stormy scenes of the commons
to the serene atmosphere of the lords.
"Feclp' answered the statesman. IT
feel as though were dead and buried"
and then, noticing for the first time
that his questioner was peer, he add
ed, with Il charming smile and bow,
"and among the blessed spirits of the
great and good" This adroit recovery
from an unfortunate slip recalls the IA
miliar story of the prince regent and
the officer Of marines. In those brave
old days of free drinking the empty bot
ties which gathered apace were styled
marines, " for what reason it is hard
to say. Tho prince called to servant
and babe him "clear away those ma
rines" An officer of that distinguished
corps who was present resented the OBJ
servation as being-to adopt the phrase
ology Of Mr. Weller's mottle faced friend
personal to the CLOTH" and request
ed an explanation. my dear colonel"
said his royal highncss, with winning
courtesy, 81 called them marines be-
cause, like your fellows they've done
their duty and are ready to do it again. "