The herald. [microfilm reel] (Los Angeles [Calif.]) 1893-1900, 1896-07-01
GEMS OF QUICK WIT

Mr.. Samuel Weller's memorable evil
dence at certain breach Of promise
trial is probably record" for the
greatest number of happy answers in
the shortest time, but there are anthem
tlcated instances of actual utterances
which certainly rival them in brilliancy
and appropriateness. The law courts, as
may be imagined, furnish their full
quota, but many are, perforce unappre-
cable by those unacquainted with the
technicalities or the "argot" of the TO-
rum. Still, Lambs chatting description
of a friends maiden brief as the first
great cause least understood" i
comprehensive enough, as is the quiet
acquiescent, THAT is so, my lord" of the
barrister to whom an irate judge had
just observed. Il can't give you brains,
Mr.. So-and-so." Il, myself, have two
small manors, my lord" said very ILL
bred, pompous counsel. to illustrate
question of property law. 1--WE all know
that Mr.. Kewsey," observed the judge
with suaVe courtesy, and smile of de-
light ran round the assem- xed bar.
Look at me, sir. and attend what
shall ask YOU" Numbered learned
counsel, whose unfortunate "homeli-
ness" of feature had gained him the
sobriquet of the Yelled Prophet. This
is an English court" rejoined the wit
ness quietly, land you have no right to
impose torture before putting the Ques-
ton"
Prisoners too, have fair proportion
of happy answers" credited to them.
OF these perhaps the best known are
that of man who, when asked if he
pleaded guilty or not guilty. replied
that he couldn't say till he had heard
the evidence. and the naive response OF
the prisoner to the usual question before
the sentence, Have you anything to say,
prisoner, before sentence is pronounced
upon you?" It's very kind of your
honor, and if it's quite agreeable to the
court | should like to say Good even
ing On one occasion, counsel in
certain drainage case submitted that the
plaintiffs. the Sewage Localization COM
pany. had no mo locus standi' in this
court" Heaven Forbid" was the fer
vent ejaculation of the learned judge.
Something akin to this was the answer
of the judge when complaint was made
that a luckless process server had been
compelled to swallow the writ he had
endeavored to serve. Il hope" said his
lordship gravely, that the writ was not
made returnable in this court"
The happy answers" owing their
point to Biblical or ecclesiastical allu-
sions, are still more numerous, but in
many cases are somewhat too audacious
for print He is regular st. Paul"
was the final eulogy made by an enthu-
siastic friend of a certain needy clergy
man whose chronic impecuniosity had
brought him into painfully frequent ia
miliarity with the various processes of
the law for the recovery of debts
Yes said the bishop, whose assist
ance was being solicited. quite so. I
See-in prisons Oft! The pardonable
but irjudicious enthusiasm of some cler-
gymen over their musical services has
given rise to many smart sayings, which
are, at any rate, ben trovato." None,
perhaps, is better than the familiar one
of the eXasperated visitor who after be-
ing made to listen in torment to Gre
gorian chants cruelty murdered, was
told that according to tradition those
chants owed their origin to King David
himseslf. The visitor, rendered reckless
by his misery, retorted that he had often
wondered why Saul threw that javelin
at the royal psalmist, but he quite I'M
derstood it now
careworn divine is reported to have
said in reply to the ecstatic declaration
of an intending Benedict that nothing
in the world beats a good Wife" "Oh,
yes, bad husband often does, and
vice versa" One would like to have
known the school girl who in reply to
her brothers jeerS and inquiry, why
girls should always be kissing each
other and men not?" said that of course,
it was because girls had nothing better
to kiss and men had-but perhaps she
studied the question too deeply and de-
veloped into a fair cynic, who, after a
season or two of conquests, gave it as
her opinion that men were like colds,
very easy to catch and very hard to get
rid of. Few better things are recorded
than the answer of BeaconStield to the
question how he felt after the change
from the stormy scenes of the commons
to the serene atmosphere of the lords
''Eap1''f the
feel as though 1 were dead and buried,
and then, noticing for the first time
that his questioner was a peer, he add
ed, with a charming smile and bow,
land among the blessed spirits of the
great and good" This adroit recovery
from an unfortunate slip recalls the ia
mliar story Of the prince regent and
the officer of marines. In those brave
old days of free drinking the empty bot
ties which gathered apace were styled
marines" for what reason it is hard
to say. The prince called to a servant
and babe him clear away those ma
rines." An officer of that distinguished
corps who was present resented the OBJ
servation as being-to adapt the phrase
ology of Mr.. Weller's mottle-faced friend
personal to the CLOTH" and request
ed an explanation. My dear colonel"
said his royal highnesS, with winning
courtesy, Il called them marines be-
cause, like your fellows, they've done
their duty and are ready to do it again."
The apt replies in the language of COM
plment claim a literature of their own,
but one must serve pour indiquer les
autres." lew shall never forget you,"
said a queen of society to one of her
subjects who was making his adeus.
Your ladyship has now given me the
only inducement not to return."-Lon-
don Standard.
EAPLy DAYS IN KANSAS