Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-04-05
AN INGENIOUS WIFE.

band.
NO" said good-natured Washing
ton man of about 10 to a reporter; mo,
l don't believe in modern science for
daily application. We don't need 1t.
We were, or our ancestors rather, were
quite as well off as we are to-day, and
what did they know about modern sell
ence?'
They didn't know as much as we
do. and just see how much they miss
ed, cOntended the reporter.
But they were as happy and content
ed as we are; more so, in many in
stances" and there was that in the tone
of the talker indicating that he had
a grudge against science on purely per-
sonal grounds.
"Ahem," coughed the reporter, signi-
flying a wish or an inclination to ask
d question or two.
"Oh. YOU needn't be barking up the
tree for me" laughed the man. Il
might as we'll tell you why in one par
ticular I don't like science, or, possibly.
l should say, one of the results of its
application, what is generally consid-
cred a most useful adjunct to our con
venience. l refer to the telephone, and
I may say, in passing, confOund the
telephone"
What has the telephone ever done
to you?' asked the reporter, much sur
prised at this unexpected attack.
Let me tell you and though the
man looked solemn enough he laughed
You may not know it, but l have a
wife who is as strict on the question OF
prOpriety as any woman you ever
hear of. and she knows that at times
l am not as proper as l should be.
That is to say, she suspected as
much. and suspicion is almost the same
as a fact with a woman. She has
been in the habit Of going away every
summer. leaving me in charge OF our
house, because my business will not
permit me to leave except over Sun
day.
of course. when the cats away the
mice will play, and l confess that l used
to have the gang come around to my
house when the boss wasn't home, and
we had pretty good times.
81 used to send the servants away,
and we had it all TO ourselves, and as
we don't live in row the neighbOrs
couldn't hear what was going on. OF
course. my wife never knew anything
about il. for she was too square a wo-
man to come back Unexpectedly TO find
out.
well. last summer when she went
away l got everything ready and pro
posed to celebrate her departure in
good style. And you bet we did. We
never had such a time, and we kept il
up for four nights.
Il suppose we would have finished the
week out. but on the morning of the
fifth day l received a letter from my
wife that was a revelation and
cOrker
In that letter was not only list OF
the names of my guests, but there was
a great deal of the actual conversation
that had taken place, the number OF
kinds of liquor we had and even the
ante and limit of the game we played.
1T was simply hOrrifying, and
didn't care to try to lie out of it. as
had done on other occasions, for was
sure she had witnesses to prove her
case. She was awfully nice about II.
though. and advised me to turn over q
new leaf unless l wanted her to come
home.
"Of course, I turned over a new Leaf.
and even went so far as to ask the mis-
sion workers to come up and hold pray
er meetings there, for l didn't know
what my wife would do il she 90
started once.
AT the end of the week l went Owe;
to Philadelphia, where she was stopping
for two weeks, and she greeted me with
a smile. She didn't even mention the
discovery she had made. but / did, and
after teasing me a long time, she
agreed TO tell me in the fall il l would
be a good boy.
81 was afraid not to be, and when
she came back in September she showed
me where she had telephone put in
with a magnifying front hid in dark
corner.
1T was fixed so it was ready for bus
mess all the time, and all she had to
do was to go to the long distance tele-
phone office anywhere, hook on to our
house. and there she had me. II was
expensive but convincing, and now that
she is onto me, I have to be so con-
foundedly proper that it becomes pain
full at times.
He sighed profoundly, and the re-
norter extended his ympathy.-Wash-
ington Star.