Eagle River Democrat. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1893-1896, 1896-06-29
FACTS AND FANCIES.

mischievous. horrible machine that will
take the manliness out of any nation
Justice-"You are charged with steal
ing Col JuleD's chickens. Have you any
wltnessesY' Uncle Moses-'.I hab not.
| don't steal chickens befor' witnesses.
-Tid-Bits.
The mother asked little Dot to go into
the next re ON and see if the clock was
running. for she had not heard it strike
all the afternoon. Dot came running
back, put her curly head into the door,
and exclaimed: ''Why. no, mamma, de
clock amt a-runnin'. 1t is DIES stannin'
still and a-waggin' its tail. The Con
gregatiOnalist.
OBSOLETE
Early to bed and early to rise
Made man healthy, wealthy and wise.
But a damse has come the proverb to
mock,
Detroit Tribune.
Watts Been reading anything about
these Cuban atrocities::
Potts-"No. I've got box of them at
home yet that my wife bought three
months ago from an alleged smuggler.
Cincinnati Enquirer.
Professor in English Ito young NAM
How would you punctuate the follow
ing: The beautiful girl, for such she
was, was passing down the street.
Student think, professor, | would
make a dash after the beautiful girl. =
Woonsocket Reporter.
''Have you magnificent wardrobe 2"
asked the manager addressing the ac-
tress who had just applied for an engage
ment.
''Why, no." she replied 81 have no
wardrobe at ALL I'm in the burlesque
line, you know.
And she was engaged on the spot
Tovoc SiftoY
Mrs Cooke (who prides herself upon
her rich cake)-'Have a piece of this
cake, Mrs. Nareve; you needn't be afraid
of it; it's not all rich.
Mrs. Nareve (eating) There, that's
just the kind O. cake that suits me. Them
that wants rich cake can have it. just
give me a piece of common cheap stuff;
it's good enough for mep'-Brooklyn
Eagle.
philosopher.
''What is bothering you now?" inquired
the other.
eff man is two hours late arriving at
home his wife raises a row, while if he
is gone two years she will give him
royal welcome. Women are peculiar -
Montague News.
A husband agreed to give his wife $50
a week to remain in comparative silence,
deducting one cent for each SuperhuOuS
word she uttered. She now owes him
nearly enough to pay the national debt
London Tid-Bits
He-''If I had known that tunnel was
SO long [ would have kissed YOU
Mabel-"Didn't your
He-"Of course not"
Mabel-"Well somebody else did"
New York Herald
Friend-''What did you find the most
difficult thing when you wrote your first
versesY Poetic find some one who
would let me read them to him.
Fliegende Blaetter
JUST AS EASY
How easily the nice young man
May gain great fame for wit,
By merely saying "Wot tell"
And II don't Think and "Nit!'
Indianapolis Journal.
First Gote-"Why, Nanette, what's the
matter?
Second Goat-"Apendicitis William"
First Goat" Stove pipe?''
Second Goat-"No: art posters. New
York Press.
'And you will never forget me?" asked
the girl Of her lover, grocer's assistant.
Never" he said, absently. us there
anything more today -Tid-Bits.
Mammal don't like the idea of that
young Harris hanging around Jenny so
much. He hasn't a cent except his little
salary"
Papa-'You needn't worry. They are
both too busy talking about bicycles to
have any time for love making. IN
dianapolis Journal.
A great-grandfather, grandfather
father and son, all working together dig
ging cellar, was rather unusual fam
lily gathering in PASSPORT, Me-, one day
last week.
DUDE DRUNK.
He drank two quarts of ginger beer
Upon a lemonade
Three pints of 'pollinaris,
oh, he was a reckless blade.
A settler Siphon then he drained,
Of ice he ate chunk
And going home got soaked lit rained)-
In fact, he got dude drunk. Truth.
Young Father (anxiously)- it boy
or girl nurse?
Nurse-"It's three of 'em, sir. Three
lovely boys"
Young Father-"Good gracious. This
was in the wholesale line of business
Woonsocket Reporter.
81 should think it would irritate you,
Dr. Founder. to see members of your
congregation falling asleep during your
sermon" ''Not at all, madam" replied
the preacher: "on the contrary, it de-
lights me. Sleep is a sign Of an easy
need sermons. ''-Harper's Bazaar.
Tagleigh-"W do you think of this
old man marrying that young girl not
yet IL years old?'
Wagleigh-"I suppose it is what you
would call silver wedding"
Tagleigh puzzled)-"How 500"
Wagleigh-"Sixteen to one"
An admirer of Rossini sent the COM
poser at Christmas time a fine Stilton
cheese and an oratorio which the donor
had recently composed. In a laconic let
ter of thanks Rossini wrote: ga thou
sand thanks! | like the cheese very
much
Old Texan Ito fellow traveller, New
Englander)- ANY news"
New Highlander (who had just laid
down the paper)-"S Seems they've been
hanging a man in effigy."
Old Texan-''That hain't nuthin'; they
hanged three in Texerkanny yesterday
all onter one CALLERS. New York Her
aid.
Another peddler Let me tell you
that | have already. thrown three Of