Birmingham state herald. (Birmingham, Ala.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-03
SUNSHINE IN ALABAM'.
samson-A Few Remarks by a phillistine

Samson-A Few Remarks by a Phillistine
Samson was the originator of the conun-
drum. Now that the memories of Appomat-
tox have grown less poignant and the
South Carolina legislature has adjourned, 1t
may not give offense to remark that posteri-
ty cannot blame the suffering Phillistines
for wanting to butcher Samson because of
this crime. History winks one eye, and
after eating Glove, to prevent an athletic
breath from spreading the James jams,
huskly whispers that of the 1000 whom
Samson slew with the jaw bone of mules
relative, at least 33 had caught their death
of cold sitting out in the cleaning and
wrestling with the alluring conundrum
about the meat and the sweet, the honey
and lion. The ancient Philistines were not
good at guessing-they had no supreme
court, nor foreign policy, but they were just
plain, unromantic Spanards, devoting
themselves to butchering and robbjng their
neighbors and raising giants. They had hut
little sympathy for the professional humor-
list, and they invariably skipped the puzzle
department of the Ashdod Home Journal.
The manners of Samson failed to exhibit
that Clara We're De We're repose necessary
to admit him to the elite of Phenician So
ciety, and his ancestors were common peo-
pie, who actually permitted themselves to
be addressed by the familiar and democratic
rame of Dan" A hundred and fifty years
previously a. relative OF samson, Bentie-
man by the name of Shamgar, had pain
fully obtruded himself into the Six Hundred
of Phillistia and had goaded them into
recognition of his striking social qualities,
but even in Samsons time this was a pain
full subject Samsons antipathy to the bar
Der shop was relentless. Like the modern
pugilist, he wanted to do all the talking
himself. Whenever he saw the striped
candy sign of the Phenician tonsorial artist
he on nd q
est Tinmath bondholder with the first thing
that came handy. But our hero'S strong
point was the puzzle column of the family
paper, and his cleverest work consisted in
dishing out conundrums at the 5 o'clock
teas of the elite of Sorek. 1t required a
seven days session of the Valley Kettle
Drum to hold post norton autopsy over
the viscera of his prize puzzle, and the con-
venton was forced at last to bring in dark
horse from one of the back counties before
a decisive ballot was reached. Then the
free coinage constituency of Samson went
wild-they alleged fraud, tissue ballots,
bribery and distribution of meal tickets
among the southern delegates, and wound
up by boiling in body. This action led to
Samsons afterwards forming an alliance
with the noted Kansas woman orator, trim
mer and song writer, Mrs Ellen Delilah
the gifted authoresS of the Phillistine ma.
tional ode, Johnny Get Your Hair Cut"
During the campaign that followed this
memorable convention, and while speaking
in Kentucky beat, Lehi county, on the
evils of Intemperance," he was frequently
interrupted by the populists Finally, becom-
ing impatient at this, he invited jay MEM
Der of congress to occupy the stand while
he kept guard at the door of the hall with
a barrel-stave. Before they could escape
by the lightning rod and the roof 1000 of
them were slain; even those who escaped
got Slowed during the day. Tradition says
that the speaker who so kindly assisted the
regular nominee on this occasion was blind
He was the colleague of western sport
who boosted of his ability to always strad-
die the blind. Persons who discredit the
deadly homicdal power of an ass jawbone
can be convinced and convicted by
an hours waiting in the gallery
of the present congress. Sam
son was g. strong man-especlally on the af-
ternoon of a hot day, when the creeks were
all dry. His last public performance in the
Dagon Lyceum Course, under the patron
age of the Ashdod Young Mems Christian
association and the Womans Christian
Temperance union, impressed his audience
greatly; the fact Is, he made quite mash
on the old maids present, and the artistic
technique of his last act brought down the
house. Since his retirement from the clas-
steal drama we can but lament the deca-
dence Of the artistic conundrum on the
modern stage.
WELLINGTON vANDIvER.