The St. Johns herald., 1896-09-05


 Poet-How do you know the editor Isn't in? Ofice-boy--From your looks. Puck.
 First Tramp-Wuz you ever married? Second Tramp-Well, jist wish had all the alimony I owe.-Puck.
 Weren't you surprised when he pro- posed" ''No; why should I be-" "EV- erybody else was."-Harlem Life.
 Never Touched Her: He-Don't you ever tire of talking? She (quickly)- It depends upon who Is talking.-Voguc.
 Artist-That man Bacon offered me SIP for that largest painting of mine. Caler-Oh, then you've had it framed? -Yonkers Statesman.
 She-Young Baggie, I believe, takes his fences well? He-Yaas, splendid iy; but it's pity his horse doesn't take lem at the same time.-Sydney Bulle- tin.
 ''Therew hissed the jealous Moor; ''how do you feel now" Down in the mouth," gasped the irrepressible DesdemOna from beneath her pillow. Puck.
 ''It is simply astonishing the way the bicycle is displacing the horsev' Tt is, indeed. Yesterday I found a piece of rubber tire in my ausage."-Cincinnati Enquirer.
 Brown-Have you read this article upon How to Tell a Bad Egg?' Jones No, but if you have anything to tell a bad egg, my advice is to break 1t gentiy.-Up-to-Date.
 Miss Rechere Qndignantly)-Did you tell Jim Jackson dat ef he married me he'd hab a white elephant on hees hands? Miss Snohaike-NO, indeed, I didn't. Do yo' fink Fse color-blind?- Puck.
 Amicus-Why, do you use the eY- pression funny joke? Aren't all jokes funny? Editor-Not by long shot. The jokes that other fellows get off at your expense are never funny Truth.
 : Tt seems to me, Miranda" mildly observed MT. Meeks, these cakes would be considerably improved by the addition of little more ginger" "So would you, William" briefly responded Mrs. Meeks.-Chicago Tribune.
 'Well, girls, Jack and I are to be married at last, and we are so happyw s'Did you and Jack have some trouble sn getting your fathers consent? No, papa and had lot of trouble in get ting Jacks consent."-Exchange
 Mrs. Brown-I have been so annoyed at my husband. He has been at the club every night for a week. Mrs. Jones-Why, so has my husband, and he said he hadn't seen anything of your husband for a week.-Brooklyn Life
 She-It seems strange that men are no longer willing to do deadly combat for the love of a woman. He-Ain't 1t queer though? Especially when wom- en have so much more money of their own these days-Indianapolis Journal.
 'I once knew a man," said the im- Rginatlve boarder, "whO was so fat that he was actually taller lying down than when he was standing up. What do you think of that" Tt strikes me-" said the cheerful idiot, "as pretty tall iying."-Indianapol Journal.
 A Dangerous Text: 'Wen, Uncle Rasbury, how did you like the sermOn?" fPow'ful fine sermon, Marse John." "Where did the preacher take his textT "Frum dat potion ob de Scrip tlre whar de Postol Paul pints his pis- tol to de Fesions. ."-Washington Times.
 Fair Patient-Is there no way of tell ing exactly what Is the matter with me? Dr. Emdee-Only a post-mortem examination would reveal that Fair Patient-Then, for heavens sake, make one. I don't see why 1 should be squeamish at such time as this.-Pick- Me-Up.
 Modern society,"" observed the young man, contemplatively, 'has revised most of the old-time proverbs" ''Yes," observed the chaperon, to whom he had just handed an ice, Tor instance, now- adays we say, When the husband comes in at the door, the lover flies out of the window "-Bxchange.
 First Summer Girl-Are you going to that old Christian Endeavor meeting this evening? Second Summer Girl Yes, indeed! Haven't you heard the subject to be discussed? First Summer Girl-No; what is 1t? Second Summer Girl-"How to Hold Our Young Men" New York Press.
 "I was very glad, Mabel, to see you among those who were received into the church last Sunday" "Yes, auntie, but was so provoked with the clergy Snan! He gave me the Old-style, un- fashionable handshake. And he gets a salary of S6,0O0 yearr'-Chicago Trib- une.
 "Rastus, you internal nigger, you told me that mule was perfectly safe. and when went into the stable be nearly kicked the top of my head off," ."Yes, sah; saved de mewl wuz safe. sah. But eff yo' kin reccollect, I didn't say muffin about wedder it was safe in his vicinity. Dat mewl Is able enough to be safe anywhar. ."-Wash- ington Star
 Fourteen hundred of the 2500 en- ployes of the South Chicago Shipbuild- ing Company have struck, which will necessitate, it is said, the closing of the yards. The strike originated with 300 boys employed to beat rivets whose wages were cut from $1.50 to S1.25