Santa Fe daily New Mexican. [volume] (Santa Fe, N.M.) 1885-1897, 1896-10-23
CONFESSION OF A PIE EATER.
How He Became Slave and Some Pies
He Has Met.

In looking over my past career feel it
to be but proper that l admit that l have
always been "a slave of the so called per-
nicious pie habit. l cannot remember how
long ago l ate my first piece OF pie, nor
can l state with any degree of accuracy
the date upon which l surrendered my
manhood or rather childhood and willing
ly thrust my neck into the yoke which still
encircles it. But l will admit that the
taste is not an acquired one with me, as
enjoyed my first piece of pie quite as keen
ly as / did the last wedge, which is still
gyrating madly within me undigested and
measuring itself, SO to speak, against my
gastric meter.
When 1 was small boy, could never
quite understand why the pie, which was
the best part of the dinner should always
come on last when every ones appetite
was satisfied. 1t seemed to me that the pie
should come first. Then it often struck
me that if the pie were to lead the meal all
interest would cease with the last mouth
full, whereas if entered as the epilogue Of
the prandial drama the other parts, from
the very ring of the bell, would bristle
with the barbed wire or epicurean interest.
Again, often marveled in vain at the
idea of having fish dinner and not a pie
dinner. 1t seemed to me paradox that
defied explanation. never knew and do
not know until this day which kind of pie
is my favorite because 1 like each and ev
cry kind, with or without cheese, although
eaten with fork, spoon or au naturel
out of the hand. Some philosopher has
called the uncovered or decollete pie-that
is, the one which is exposed to the light
and the critical naked eye-the open faced
pie This, of course, refers to those speci-
mems which represent the custard, the
cocoanut and the pumpkin, which do not
wear vests or chest protectors of crust.
The pie that has an upper crust should
be called hunting case pie, while the
cranberry, having strips of crust running
over its roof in regular latticework of
suspenders, should be regarded as striped
pie for the English and plaid pie for the
Scotch. I cannot help recalling an idea
that occurred to me when l was little
boy about eight or ten hands high. 1t was
curious idea relating to the suspenders of
the cranberry pie in this interrogatory
form: Are the suspenders to keep the cram
berries in the pie, and if so are they but
toned to the under edge of the plate, like
an all wool theatrical ocean, or are they
fastened down with gluel
The Washington pie liked from pure.
ly patriotic impulse, although the slices Of
apple were imbedded in the foundation of
dough after the manner of cobblestones,
until they seemed, from the regularity of
their upturned edges, like the bay of Ma
pies as it appears, wind dimpled, IN COT
fee chrome.
Hitting the pie and hitting the pipe are
both habits which hold one with an iron
grip. Since the day fell have been a
willing vassal of the insidious destroyer
and have made study Of pie and pie poi
soning in all it's qualifications.
The great, thick country pie, whether
round or oblong, is the ideal pie Of the
heart and when the poets fingers are fold
ed over the arc Of circle he acknowledges
with outspread wings that even if lost in
the great Sahara desert he would sigh, not
80 much for the crystal spring as for the
great American dessert, and If suddenly
possessed of some of the latter would &C
knowledge himself a vassal melting in the
vaseline of ineffable ecstasy Take one OF
these small urban pies which are nodded
and turned out by the thousand like cheap
watches, and the chances are that you will
not want to take another seriously if at all
The only advantage this small pie has il
that it may be held in the hand like 6
QUOT, that it doesn't ooze, drip or disin
tegrate, and that it Is in certain senst
antiseptic. In one of these stem winding
pies death turks even when its true char
acter is hidden from the minds eye by the
~; h
meringue conceit quickens and blossoms
in infinite beauty.
Give me the old, honest, homely, farm
house pie, with no other ornamentatior
than few rude and unstudied fork jab!
in it's ecru breast to prevent it's losing itl
wind. And give me plenty of it and also
supply me with plenty Of elbow room ant
large, imperial, nickel plated tin appe
tite, that l may do the dish justice ant
show my appreciation with the ardor OF {
patriot, because pie is an American insti
tuition upon which the American eagl'
stands in heartfelt pride as If to maintain
the traditions Of independence and to hur
contumely into the false face of the invad
er. But the city pie is not inspiring in I
| strict sense 1t is, go to speak, alien ant
exotic, especially when eaten against tim
at the monday hour, for then the cate
stands upon his feet and eats in SO great
hurry that to all outward appearances hi
entire physical system Is brought int
play, the masseter and deltoid muscles ar
strained to their utmost tension, the eye
are dilated and the hat hobs in franti
glee while the pie eater snaps off mouth
full and seems to leap in the air as If II
climb it.
Such slave can mix his pie-that is
eat various kinds-until his stomach be
comes Kaleidoscope Of pie. Thepumpkin
breathing of the cornfeld; the cocoanut
full of tropical suggestion, and the mince
which is out Of date during the dog day
because it bays the moon, are one to him
He has an ostrich stomach for pie. He |
pirate for pie, and he eats pie for break
fast to begin the day right, then he eats
for dinner to preserve a high average o
enamored thought, and finally for suppe
from motives Of gratitude for his daily pie
He has pie heart, and goes right on eatin
his favorite dainty although he destroy
his complexion, and he would keep on eve
If the practice should render his digestiv
organs effete, which would, of course,
impossible.
The rose may perish on the summe
stem and our idols be snatched from us Il
the tenderest beauty Of their bloom. by
nasties may fade from the earth and tn
columns of the early ages crumble in slo,
decay; but the pie is infinite and eternal
1t defles alike the hand and the teeth c
time, for SO long as time has hand i
which to hold 1t and teeth with which
eat it it will exist in all its pristine glor
and fill the heart Of man with the Twin
melody of its antique song. R K. Muir
kittrick in New York Sunday World.