davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Judge-what have you to say for your
self.
Prisoner Yer honor, OIL only shut the
door in her face an kept IL shut for a
time.
But your wife swcars that you gagged
her with a haHuscrchier, and that she
couldn't utter Sound for four hours"
Sure. yer honor that was the only way
oi could kapc the door in her face shut.'-
Spare Moments.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Harpers Bazar. She had lust got hoinc
from Vassar and they were walking
through the conservatory together .-On,
nanina." SHE eaCiaimcd how pretty!
What flower Is that? That's a holly
hook. dear. "A Eoliyhuck' Why mann
ma. painted ore az school aud ii don't
look like that,"
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Mr.. Meeker Did you know. my dear.
that the scientists say il is IL, female
mosquito that bites!
Mrs. Meeker-l have no doubt OF it.
Probably she has To support herself while
her lazy husband is downtown talking pol
itics.-Chicago Tribune
The morning times., 1896-09-27

."Papa.
What is it, Johnny"
Il read a poem in my school reader
which spoke OF 'cogs of high degree
'.Wen?"
Papa, does that mean sky terrIers?''
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Few men seem 10 realize that u Well
dressed wolfram is an advertisement uf her
husbands goodress Bosl OH Home Journal.
lie p:aCticed with zeal on the ganut,
Though the PLAT corne, he would iainut:
lie worked night and day.
While i.s Eeignbors woulu say
Harsh things that ended IN '.taina:"
indianapolis Journal.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

why, Jacky, open he door and let
katie in- Dop't yoJ gee rs raining:s
cried Jacky's mother.
Il can't, mamma," said Jacky, we are
piay.u. Noats ARK. In Moan, and Katie
Is tie sinners, and soc I,iusk stay at in
the wei ''-IIarper's Round Table
The morning times., 1896-09-27

city Nan tamong the New England hills,
-DcacOu Flint is -stinEy, isn't
he" Or mt least what you would call close
Eben Huckleberry-Clc Goshi He's
as close as the walls of a hall bedroom
in New York boa rding-housc. Puck.
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Took Chances On the Soap.

Lady ito dirty tramp Here's u piece of
Soap. and hope you will wash yourself
with it. and here's a piece OF hoIEc- made
cake 10 eat.
Dirty Tramp tcrtically surveying the
soap and ca ke' us the soap home MA de. too,
mum?
Lady course not
Dirty Tramp Then. il you don't mind.
num. I'D Father eat tie soap and scrub my
sell with the ke-Eun
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Jack Rapid (behind the scenes why,
What rare coin. Stamped with the old
Roman effigy, too.
Rival Chorus GirI-She got 1t from Julius
Caesar for a birthday gift.-Texas Sitter.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Say, Tradeley, why does your floor
walker never watch the bargain counter"
.'Because things are SO cheap there that
thieves prefer to buy and have the goods
delivered. Detroit Free Press.
The morning times., 1896-09-27
There Are Others.

MIS- Mortimer says size derives more
pNhsure from the education Of her chill
dren than anything else
les SHE'S never happy unless they're
ut their kindergarten Truth.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Friend or the Family Johnny. I sur-
pose yoL are Delighted with the new little
brother at your house?
iobnny-Ncw, nothnn', He's second hand,
The Coctor brought him, and there's no
,eilin' how many families has had him
before. Current Literature
The morning times., 1896-09-27

wcus;,nan-They Tell me tnat you never
get genuine victnals on the stagr-t5at It is
always mutation food which !. :sei.
storms, tbe Artur-Well, no. always. We
often get real eJ,gs.-Yonkers Statesman.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Farmer-I guess there's been somebody
fishing in our trout stream behind the barn.
Farmers Wifc-How do you know? Have
you found Il line and hooks?'' s
Farmer-No;I found a whisky flask.-Bos-
ton Courier.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Mamie was caught out in that fearful
raiustorni with her bicycle this morning"
She must have been mad What uid she
say?'
Well, after she'd seen herself in the
glass size said she was sorry she Wore her
boomers"
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Rpbu fled .

Gentleman-My lad. can you direct me TO
the Bank of England?
Shoeblack with whitening scOrnl-ia on:
do yer fink should be doing this if was
a bank director:-Worlds Comic
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Farm-r'swffc Il kSpe you are rot afraid
of work:
Tramp tuneasily)-f- amt exactly
afraid, mum; but Il always feel fidgetty
when there's anything ike thar about :
London Tit Bits. -
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Tired

WELL said Mrs. WHITES to the tramp,
"l suppose you want something to eat this
morning."
No, kind lady," replied the wayfarer.
81 called to see if You ha d a cast t-off bicycle
to give a dcscrvin. .man.'-IIarper's RaZar
Reverence of a Neophyte.
Eecd-IIow is it that you have quit max
Ing any bicycle jokes"
Wright twho has lately bought Il whee)
II don't think it is proper TO joke ON sacred
oubjects.-Cincnnati Enquirer.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

"A San Antonio lady had some go. Is sent
home marked &C. o. D." Her little nine
vegr-old girl exclaimed: II know what
hat &C. o. D. means; it means Can on
Dad"
The morning times., 1896-09-27

What'sttat beautiful sonata your daugh-
ter's playing
its man tuning the piano. Detroit
Free Press.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Ar. Biower-It doesn't make any differ
enee To me what kind or man my Iauy
puts up: My motto il. Not men. but
principles. ''
Ars. B.-You are more fortunate than
We women. We have 10 content ourselves
with the man. and we generally get him
without any principles worth mcntioning
-Posiop TRANSCRIPT. .-...
The morning times., 1896-09-27

'Did you divide your bonbons with your
little brother, Mollie?'
Yes. ma: ate the candy and gave him
the notices. You know he is awfully fond
of reading"
The morning times., 1896-09-27

''Orercoats are to be short and tr rOusr-s
tight this winter"
We'll. I'm all right; only my trousers
will be short aud my overcoat tight. -
Buffalo News.
The morning times., 1896-09-27
SQuarillK HinSt.l

Look. here. SimLers. why 40 you wear
a golf suit? You don't play the game"
That's all right: but people who are
aware of that will think tide wheel"
But YOU don't ride q wheel. either"
Il know it. People wts knew that will
think | play golf"
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Too NIUcl, Polish

DO you like old Bloviator for campaign
Speaker
No. He's always SO busy rounding off
sentences that he never has time to make
a point ''Delruit Free F.5s
The morning times., 1896-09-27

He And did YOU say the perspira,ion ran
down your face,
She Ran down: 1t scorched. -Yonkers
Statesman.
The morning times., 1896-09-27
No Reason for Change.

Stern Parcnt- You must understand. sir,
that want my daughter to have as good
hnmeafter her ma ffiage as she had before.
sir. ....-.,.,
Jack Bluffington-Well. you're not going
TO sell out, ,sarc you?-BaltimOre News
The morning times., 1896-09-27

We'll, WILLIE asked grandma. have
you had all the dinner you want
''NOrne, answered The truthful little
boy; but have had all can eat
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Not Exulicit Ennupll

she-I want 10 get pint Of your hest
enamel.
Cierk-YcS, madam. Face or bicycle
Puck
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Customer-Excuse me. sir, but do You
sell cigars on time?
Cigar Dealer-Never to strangers.
Customer-Bcg pardon, but II bet You
will iD this instance. (Thro wing down
quaTterJ There's a quarter after three,
see?-Bcston Courier.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

why under the sun does WhimIerly
want divorce? His wife had great
deal of money when he married her.
And she has it vet. That's the whole
trouble. detroit Free Press.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

My hat bowed off, said Aa-gie, in
relating recent experience, IAN toned
tlear home wiz my head barefooted"
The morning times., 1896-09-27
should h. a Popular snt.

IskGlibt-Have you ever teen TO Niagara
Falls:
Mr.. Gabb-No.
''rtcn YOU ought 10 20. tCok my Wife
to see Niagara Falls last week. II was
the first time she had seen that mighty
cataract. and She was struck speechless
with admiration and SURPRISE aua -.r.
'SEe was $. ruck spt ech!css did YOU say?"
Yes sse'-
I'll take my wife next weck."-Titts-
burg icle Telegraph
The morning times., 1896-09-27

demand to be recognized screamed
.ne fheinbress from the Umpty-eighth Dis
impossible. said the Speakeress. look
ing treezingiy through her lorgnette THE
Iady Is not in our set."-Cincinnatl En-
GUirer.
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Throwing for Drinks,

Johnnie-Ma, didn't know pa was So
awful strong, did you?
Ma-No, indeed!
JohDDic-Wcll, he must he. cause heard
him say that he threw the beard of alder
men last night for the drinks.-Yonker's
Gazette.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Doctor Your husband is in a most crit
ical condition. l think l ought to have
some assistance.
Patients Wife-Just as you say, doctor
But tshuddering) II seems horrible to send
for the undertaken SO soon.-New York
World
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Positive Proof. .

Positive Proof
Don't tell Ine that cranks can't get
along In this world"
why"
There's Sproekett- the bike manufae-
turer: he's made a fortune ont OF his
wheels "
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Sketch: why. my man. there used to
be two mills there Yes sir. they
found there was only wind enough for one
The morning times., 1896-09-27

A sleeping car is the greatest promoter
OF rapid trance-it.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

ihuianap0lis Journal; And you really
tell me that You have no paupers here?"
SAID the astonished traveller. Not a durn
one said the native. How could we
when the country is too poor to support
emp
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Mrs. n. Peck-Papa always was a great
joker.
Mr. N. Peck-That's So. When / asked
hinl for you he said: Take her, young
man, and be happy" y."-Indianapolis journal.
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Saved From Further Disgrace.

He fon my soul, Miss Amy. never pro
posed To girl before,
Shc-I I-iieve YOU; aud. for your own
sake. III see that you Fever do il again
Bro klyn Life.
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Cha Ssffied,

Tommy-What animal is that. Pa?
Pa-That is an old dhyena, Tommy.
Tommy-Why, Pa that doesn't look ,
bit like YOU. Ma doesn't know what she
talks about half her time, does shec-Spars
Mo ments.
The morning times., 1896-09-27
Mamma" what part OF the body is the

No part OF the body. my dear
Yes, it is, because it saysin the paper
here that last night While returning from
the Symphony conceEt PROF. Grdel fell
and broke his trom bqnk."
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Lord love you! No. She took only
sivin lessons. She's tachin' row. w.''-Cleve-
land Plain Dealer.
The morning times., 1896-09-27
A Freak Town.

Il see II speaks in the paper, husband.
about a town where there are 5OO-odd in
hahitantS" ="
That must be the place where all the
freaks come froEi Ei"-Detroit Free Press
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Visiting Philanthropi>t Have you any
thing to complain Of:
State Prison Convict Yes, Sir am
restrained "f my liberty Boston Trans
cripu.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

:'Is your daughter stili taking music
lessonSg"
The morning times., 1896-09-27

''He is the worst iiieyc,c crank I ever
s;l W. 49, s,o.
why. never saw hifi riding one
''Iiti5's just IL; ne doesn't, ana i.c says
ne never will."-Puck,
The morning times., 1896-09-27

Mrs. Bennam | wish you wouldn'tswear
Benham-I wish didn't have tu-Truth.
The morning times., 1896-09-27

'On the pianny, do you mane?"
The morning times., 1896-09-27
He Didn't

He Didn't.
Henry. do you love me?"
why. darling, what q Question:
Don't try to evade Inc. Henry! I'm no
liquor law" Puck
The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1896-05-07
MINING FOR DIAMONDS.
Profits of the South American Diggings
Reach Enormous Figures.

Profits OF the South American Diggings
Reach Enormous Figures.
From the New York Sun.
The South African diamond mines of
the De Beers Consolidated Mining COM
pany yielded last year a clear profit of
$11 ,222 $40. Diamonds taken from the
mines sold for $3.50, 100. The expenses
of operating the mines for the IL
months, including a liberal allowance
for deterioration of plan and for in
terest on debentures. were about S.
525, 900. Money received from rents, prof
its on various investments, and miscel-
laneous sources of income, brought UP
the years profits to the sum above
mentioned.
Dividends at the rate of % per cent.
per annum were paid, which disposed
of about s5.000,O00 of the profits, and
an equal sum was set aside as a re-
serve, and invested in consols and other
sure things, thus assuring another
years dividend in advance. From all
of which ii will be seen that diamond
mining comes about as near to what it
is cracked up to be as anything does
i'm this world of disenchantment.
The average yield of diamonds was
0S5 karat in each load of clay. The
average value of the diamonds mined
was 25s, Cd. a karat, say $6.12. At the
close of the fiscal year the company
mad 3,3bO,206 LOADS or clay on It's floors
ready for the sitting process. This was
taken into account as being worth. in
diamond possibilities. Is. Cd. load,
although the clay has usually aver
aged 2s. Cd. a load. This would make
the real profits. realized or in sight,
even more than stated in the figures
given above. And last years results
showed an increase in revenue from
diamonds produced and sold of $1,42S-
955 over the previous Twelve months.
An increased price was received for
diamonds last year over the previous
year. and the directors believe that the
present high rates will be fully main
tanned IL the output is carefully regu-
lated. There is a good deal of skill
necessary in the manipulation of an
output of $15.0OO,000 worth of diamonds
a year. The company's future is COM
fortably assured for some time al least,
as a diamond syndicate has purchased
the output of the mines up to Dec. 81
next at a price equivalent to $4,000, 900
for the twelve mouths of this year
This is an increase TO the company's
profits of about s2.5O0.0O0 over last
year. The syndicate bought the pro-
duct of the mines from July /. 1895, to
Dec 81 1896
The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1896-05-07
DAYS LONG DRAWN OUT.
Time Is Coming When They VIII lie a
Month In Length.

Month In Length.
From the st. Louis Republic
DO you know that the day, which is
now only twenty-four hours long, is
slowly increasing in length, and that It
will eventually be twenty-five, twenty
six. or even 100 hours in length? This
statement, strange as IL may sound to
one who has never read the results of
observations made on that score, is be-
LEVIED TO be true in every respect. Not
only will the earth's motion slow up
until the day will be one, two and three
times as long as il is at present but
this pace-slackening process will in
crease with time. until the day will
eventually be week or even a month
in length. The 'retarding medium"
which the astronomers speak of as be-
ing the cause of this phenomena is
not fully understood at present Prof
essor Ball says that II is the friction
of the tides which is responsible for
the most of IL. He urges that the time
will come when the day VIII be a full
year in length! Others among the in
vestigators along this line declare that
IL viii be absolutely impossible for the
day-lengthening process to increase be-
yond one lunar month.
This certainly looks plausible II we
consider the tides as being the cause
of the trouble However, Professor
Ball. who has long been astronomer
royal of Ireland and the greatest Brit
ish authority on astronomy, knows
just about whereof he speaks, and IL
he says the day must eventually
lengthen a year. we had better prepare
for the nightless season without ask
ing any questions. The editor has never
seen a word from Professor Ball as to
what will be the final end OF this day.
lengthening process-as TO whether II
will increase or decrease after the one
year-day period has been reached. Evil
IDENTIFY the process will continue, and
the next day will be a fraction longer
and finally the earth's rotation will
cease altogether. Some argue that
when that time arrives the earth will
take a sudden tilt to the west, and
from that time forward the revolution
viii be in the opposite direction.
The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1896-05-07

who meet with conditions as exacting in
many respects as those in the senate, but
there probably doesn't exist, at least in
America, a situation demanding more
general knowledge, all-round shorthand
skill and physical hardness than that
held by the shorthand reporters of the
United States senate. The full shorthand
report of each days proceedings. how
ever voluminous. has to be transcribed
and put in shape for its appearance in
the Congressiona scord of the day fol-
lowing.
Denis r. Murphy. as per the terms Of
his contract, employed his own assistants.
and among them were his two younger
brothers, James J. Murphy and Edward
V. Murphy, the trio being commonly call
ed "the three famous brothers." Another
member of Mr.. Murphys staff was Theo-
dore f. Shuey, who, since 1869, has been
associated in the senate reporting. All of
the elder Murphy's immediate assistants
were able to read his shorthand notes
and to dictate them fiuently to another
stenographer, to a graphophone or
typewriter, as the case might be. This
statement may seem incredible to stenog-
raphers who have cast an eye over a page
of rapidly written shorthand notes, par
ticularly when they represent the report
of . running, disconnected argument or a
heated technical debate. One of Mr..
vast amount of work, however, was to
send his shorthand notes to his assistants
at intervals of about half an hour, and
by the time one member of his corps had
finished debating a given allotment an
other batch of notes would await him.
The death of Denis Murphy has
caused the appointment of Theodore f.
Shuey and Edward V. Murphy as his sue
cessors. Both of them have assisted in
reporting the senate for over rs years,
and IL is doubtful If there could be found
anywhere two stenographers more thor
ough and expert They were engaged in
what is regarded as one of the greatest
feats of verbatim parliamentary report
ing ever accomplished. 1t was during the
second session of the 53rd congress,
session exceedingly trying and arduous
for the reporters. The proceedings of
continuous session of IA hours of rapid
and fiery debate were. with the exception
of one speech withheld by the request of
the senator delivering it, reported. die
tated and carefully edited. and appeared
i'm the Record early the following morn
ing.
f. v. Murphy is the last of the three
Murphy brothers. He is So years old and
has many of the business and social quail
tiles of his eldest brother.
The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1896-05-07

himself better paid than ever before and
with much less to do. He eats better
and richer food. he fingers longer over
IL. As he has no muscular exercise to
take up the increased heat supply, ma
ture condemns him to carry IL around.
He grows fat. The reasoning applies to
bankers. brokers, merchants and manu-
facturers. to the lay and the clerical to
the stout" lady at the opera as to the
fat lady at the museums. 1t is to be
hoped that the information about the
police, which we have called startling,
and is truly so, should not fail of notice
among those who have control in police
circles, as IL should not be lost on the
fat or those who are fattening in any
walk OF life. Do not overeat.
The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1896-05-07
VETERANS AT THE WORK.
Reporters of the senate Have Done Re-
markable hings In Their lime.

Reporters of the Senate Have Done Re-
markable hings In Their lime.
From the New York Sun.
The men who have followed a single
business profession for little short Of half
a century are certainly few. Those who
have held but one position for that length
OF time are yet fewer and probably the
only shorthand writer who could claim
such a record was Denis +. Murphy.
whose obituary appeared recently i'm the
Sun. For A. years he was the verbatim
reporter of the United States senate. and
did a large share of the actual note TAX
ing himself assuming the entire respon-
sibility for every report delivered TO the
printer.
An idea may be had OF the mental re-
quirements of this position II one will
consider the nature OF a senate reporters
work the variety OF subjects he must
handle, the intricate legal tcchnicalities
ard the involved legislative debates that
his pen must record. and the unfailing ac-
curacy he must always maintain. IL lis
true there are sten9suphe-s elsewhere
The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1896-05-07
In Case of War.
From Pucl

From Puck.
The dinner hour had arrived and
they were all grouped about the curb
stone devouring the contents of their
pals
Suppose all this war talk ends In
WARP" said Riley, who's goin' to do
the foightin'?"
The likes o. you an me-" answered
Dugan. scornfully. Did yez Suppose
the United States senate 'u'd do it?"
''Phwat / want L know IS this" went
on Riley. thoughtfully; ''sippose the
waIxin' delegate turns oop when the
foightin's beginnin' and ordhers us tc
quit because there's non-union min
among the troops?"
But the o'clock whistle screamed al
this juncture.
The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1896-05-07
Detroit Tribune.

Speaking Of the plane Of natural
righteousness to which men may raise
themselves by continual practice Of the
laws OF truth and honesty, Mr.. Woods
said:
There are lawyers I'm this city who
viii not take law case until they are
Themselves persuaded that there is JUS
tice in the position which they are
asked TO take and convinced that IL is
right. ! don't say how many there are
out ! say there are such men in De-
trOit."
lhere was burst OF incredulous
laughter. Then Mr.. Woods went on 10
talk about other kinds OF LAWYERS.
The Anaconda standard. [volume] (Anaconda, Mont.) 1889-1970, 1896-05-07

From Life.
CobbIe-"That Miss Slimson is very
sensitive girl. She didn't like il because
I called on her last night without being
shaved"
Stone-"what did she say?"
..She said she felt il very much"
The Daily Ardmoreite. [volume] (Ardmore, Okla.) 1893-current, 1896-04-12
WALLACE CONVICTED.
The Man Whose Arrest Led Up to the Ap-
preshensiOh and Subsequent killing
of BIN Dalton VIII Suffer.

Hon. r. w. Dick returned Friday
nigh from Paris where he had been
professionally. He was attorney for
Houston Wallace, the man who in
company with Mrs. Dalton came TO
Ardmore and took from the express
Office lot of whisky for the noted
outlaw Bill Dalton, now deceased,
and whose detention by the .tjiccrs
led to the fatal apprehension VI The
leader of the worst gang of bandits
that ever operated in the southwest.
Wallace was charged with intro
ducing and was so tried at Paris on
Thursday, resulting in his conviction.
Sentence had not been passed at
the time Mr.. Dick left Mr.. Dick
hopes for leniency of the court to-
ward his client and thinks he will
only be given a Jail sentence.
Mr.. Dick was also attorney for a
man from Ardmore by the name Of
Stovall charged with the sale of in
toxicants. He was tried and ac-
quilted.
The Daily Ardmoreite. [volume] (Ardmore, Okla.) 1893-current, 1896-04-12
4 Genuine Market.

A reporter for the ARDAoREITE
yesterday visited the French Market
of T. B. Johnson & Co., opposite the
post office, and while he expected to
see a well supplied place, he
was surprised at the magnitude
of the good things to eat there
visible. The place is a market in
the full sense of the word, where
can be had the best Of meats, beef,
pork, mutton, fish, oysters, sausage
of all kinds, and vegetables, fresh
every day.
The place, unlike most markets, is
kept in a condition inviting in ap-
pearance, and entirely unoffensive
to the smell. Everything is kept
clean, neat and fresh, and anything
bought from them can be depended
on as being all that it is repre- sented
to be.
They employ competent and oblig-
ing workmen, and customers are
served without distinction, each get
ting exactly what is ordered.
Capt. Johnson, the head OF the
firm, is one OF Ardmore's most en-
terprising and reliable business men,
and the ARDMoREITE notes with
pleasure his and his firms deserved
success.