The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1896-03-08

in order that the honor and high NOR,
tone OF the nation may remain unsmireS-
All these requirements could =,
course. comply with, but l am cI,rsoii
with the horrible apprehension thai =
the future | shall be required to do MOI
OF TINS tlil the expense will be more than
can meet l could now, of course PEI
little chores to do around town. euoucS
Tor necessary funds to buy records 80
put before another year the government
may require me to buy a marble-top CEN
ter table, and two or three paintings
by the old masters, in order to give the
popular amount of terror to the United
states criminals. This would compel me
TO go without new overcoat and UNDER
clothes, of which / am sadly in need
had hoped that with tile financial mos
perlty of the past year there would be ona
case, at least. for examination for whirb
L could realize Sc or 81, and which would
ease this branch OF the department os
justice temporarily, but / have been dis
appointed all the way through | could
squeeze along without the overcoat in
order to get the required record this win
ter, but the underclothes / feel as if I
ought to have.
l might die suddenly while on the bench
and it would sound harshly if the tee-
graphic dispatch were to state that when
the post norton was held the Jury found
verdict that the United States com
missioner had died from exposure and a
temporary stagnation of underclothes
Our winters here are quite severe, and
If the department of justice should soma
day require me in my official capacity 10
buy an upright piano and keep it on file.
would have to clothe myself in my un-
swerving integrity and pair of gold
bowed eyeglasses.
There is no question about the air OF
cheerfulness that a piano would give TO
my Office, especially If some lady We're to
be tried on some charge or another. for
she could bang an overture out of the in
strument while waiting for the United
| States attorney to come. and ii would help
| him kill time, but the court would either
have to lock itself in an adjoining closet
J till the defendant had gone. or ask her to
| loan him her shawl during the trial.
You will see from these suggestions
| whittier we are drifting.
/ will now turn the Office over to the de-
| partment. 1t consists of a pine box, with
| some specimens of secondhand chewing
| tobacco. preserved in sawdust, and a bald
| headed feather duster The department
! will please send a receipt to me for these
! archives, as l desire to have everything
| done correctly and with the usual amount
- The h United States, in my resignation.
| sustains a loss which it can Ill afford, and
the national superstructure becomes al
| most a tottering wreck. The popular man
may be raised up for this crisis, but it is
| not at all probable.
DR.. Tanner would be good man.
| simply throw this out as a suggestion.
Still, he would require clothes. / hadn't
| thought of that.
It IS very seldom that you find man
| with the happy union of qualifications
necessary for this office. You may secure
a man who can live on the delightful eli
| mate and what cold food he can secure
| among the neighbors, but he is liable to
| have an ungovernable appetite for clothes
| while, on the other hand, you may find
man who is the exact vice versa, or
| whatever you may call it, of the other
| man.
You will, perhaps. wonder at the delay
| of my last monthly report, but it is easily
| explained. 4 he man who promised that
| he would come before me in August and
| acknowledge a deed and pay me two bits
| for it, came to me in September and told
me that he didn't make the sale of prop
erty that he had anticipated.
| l now resign.
Congress may take such action in ac-
acknowledgement of my past services as it
may see fit.
| Whatever appropriation is made will be
| thankfully received and receipted.
/ would also receipt my winter pants at
| the same time.
l find that 1 can starve to death just as
successfully in journalism as l can in my
official capacity, and 1 hope that the gov
| eminent will not feel hurt over my course.
| Handling the amount of money that
| have being a United States commissioner,
| has been a terrible strain on me, and re-
| sign before it is too late
! l resign while l have the manhood still
| left to overmaster my fendiSh desire 10
! embezzle the coal hod and the front door
| of the office.
Hoping that no further explanation will
! be necessary, 1 subscribe myself,
| Yours, with moderate amount of firm
ness, and passionate desire for grub.