Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1896-07-19
WORTH FIVEDOLLARS
yhs Idlsr'S Friends Place a High Value
on Els BOilS.
.o,uyrE BRYAN AND HIS WIFE.
wi, Two Lawyers in 'thc White
House. VIII the President DC Hen
,tcd,-Commodo jackson and
His Jolly JacI,tnrs. .li1iA4El4

His Jolly JacI,tars. ,.ki1iGa.lA
Among tho many striking points Of re-
,.-.ifance between myself and the
,.,,~iarch Job is the tendency on my part
- D., frequently afflicted with those fiery
,r,tYbersnces known as boils and car
,,rcics. Outlines / blossom with these
,.1ant appcndages even as the straw
,e-rv patch in early spring. The doctors
saw A. IS due 20 humor Of the blood, but
a. tbe.r diagnoses be correct. most as
,.,~elly find great difficulty IN utilizing
fs.s hum0r when I set out TO pen my
,.,akly Cweakly) letters. Barring the eau
t,on with which the carbuncular individual
.rast necessarily take q chair or move
enout. I could bear up brayely, were II
not for the expressions OF sympathy which
OBJ. public see nt 20 heap upon me- "Got
hills. have you?" they say, and then they
add: "Wcu. you're lucky, each one IS
worth S." Every man. In turn, as he
beholIs mo IN my trouble. makes the
same remark. until / am forcbiy reminded
that on my person / carry at lcast So.V
In collateral securities. The worst OF II
nm. however. IS that am utterly unable
40 negotiate these securities. phey are
,.-v much like / fear the frce-coinage
tHar viii be-.
N.rcr vet have 7 been able 20 ascertain
u.. name OF the demon who first attached
nI. legend 20 bolls-wh0 first rated them
ff che fictitious value which is never
realized. But this l do knOw-thcrc is not
r.r.on in all this country who refralns
rom oqering the suggestion as consola-
ter stlkc Each one does it with a
,.,-e. OF confidence which indicates his
finn belief that the auditor VIII forthwith
H. rrIoiced. And no in the heart OF the
i.I.innd boiling sufferer there surges Il
,..l. desire TO commit murder-to wade In
a.. core OF the Smart Aleck who bears
nc iIlnCs OF alleged good fortune.
yrr may talk about your prussia and
nitric acids your laudanums and your
tnIorof0rms. and all the other deadly
lDuiIs.vou darn please. but / know fluid
tbat beats 'em ALL It's the juice Of q
,yoman's eye; the tcar-drops that gush
,p from those lustrous fountains, ana
route man like a fusilla0o OF buck-shot.
hhe wceuing woman a. the woman who
gets tho new bonnet. She may rip ana
snort. may tear her hair and rave; but
l.r master is oblurate until she cries.
Nrou he melts Ike sugar Cleopatra Is
tnd 10 have dissolved "a priceless pearl IN
vinegar So also have ] dissolved many
4 coin I'm the brIuy oozings OF my dicta-
TORS optical ORGANS. And the worst Of II
OH As that woman knows wherein She
Possesses strength. She not only weeps
eo-Iously but she weeps Judiciously. She
holds her tears as a reserve force, and
after all other devices have failed she
Hanks She enemy with their downpOur.
and oh! how complete IS the victory.
What man can resist the lachrymose
women?
Man is an arrant coward. He doesn't
compare with woman IN point OF bravery.
H. fact. I've seen one Of the latter bipeds
route SIX of the former. she did IT with
Ter tongue, of course, but as matter
OF fact, she had the most courage, any
how. Let a man get sick. 4 howl is
forthwith set up and his wife IS all i'm a
Stew. She cannot hustle around fast
enough. for her consort swears he's dying
and bellows Ike an injured bull. The
next day be mcckly owns, with many oX-
cuses that he has fully recovered, and
modestly calls for six plates Of cabbage
soup. and the Cucumbers. Perhaps, after
his awful TcnCOntre with DEATH he
vll even maui q few rails or tote q
barrel of flour into the house. But, OH.
home stricken with some malady that
d.sables him for a day. You cannot
fetch the hot water soon enough, ana he
expects mustard plastcrs TO meet him on
Tho way mp from the Office. The doctor
must be al his bedside in ten minutes,
Tor De is morlbund and he laments the
fact that he's too ill 10 add codicil 10
Dis last will and testament In fact,
De acts like a great. big squalling baby
.aI.r f.l fI ~ In "a
infant, save that one can spank an infant,
whereas there IS no such redress as far as
the man Us concerned. When the hus-
band gc,s sick the neighbors, 90 be truly
consistent should drop I'm and express
their heartfelt sympathy FOR the wife
She is the one 60 De pitied. What I've
said applies 20 every man I've ever seen,
excepting, of course. myself.
II 0lr. Bryan, of Nebraska, ever gets
10 be President. L expect he viii be sub
1oct 10 "a power behind the throne, for
the little woman Who Is his wife appears.
from AN 1 hear, 10 have will OF her
own. She isn't the kind, ] imagine. to
$40 back IN the White House pantry
making pies while William Jennings dali
lies with the political destiny of America.
Iu short Ike most women, she viii
doubtless have IL say. In the first place,
che knows Jaw. and according to the
newspapers, is a member Of the Nebraska
Uar. That, I'm itself may create trouble
Who knows when she may take 10 into
der head TO call Willie down on the
C0nstiutionality OF his acts? The fact
that q husband could beat his wife at
common law cuts no figure now and
o'rs. Bryan viii not fail 10 recall this
fact. a gentleman. VINO served many
years I'm Congress and knows the official
ropes from 20 lizard has told me
many interesting stories about this dis
fnElished couple. lie says the little lady
Lnt "a biz comcly. but that what she
lacs5' in this respect IS amply c0mpen-
Rated hoy her intellect. one doesn't ex-
poet woman TO enjoy the whole COM
illauon. anyhow. The husband. on the
other hand. is exceedingly handsome, with
out itnr pretty man. When Mr. and
Nrs Bryan first came 10 Washington,
according 20 my friends 'story, they had
lots 70 learn about social matters VIII
lam Jennings went TO a presidential re-
t'puon without a drcss-suit and Mrs.
Nyan had ON hich-neck dress. This
Jack of convenuonality made them al
most as conspicuous rs they are to-day.
iatN'y think i, probable. now. how
ever Chat Mrs BRYAN would submit TO
the same modesty Of wardrobe.
When Bryan made his famous tariff
speech his little helpmatc was I'm the
gallery Of Congress. and frequently gave
Am signals as 80 the way he should
regulate HIS voice. she told the lady
lr0nd who accompanied her that her
husband and herself had worked FOR
i01rs on the ad1ress-that they had
studied and altered almost every line.
She was thoroughly convorgant With the
subject ard frequently Informed her com
tnion as 20 what was coming next.
y The "Slvcr-tongucd orator. tdoublv
slyer-tongueD had died before me COM