The Irish standard., 1896-08-22
Brann Gets After the Apes in His
Original and Convincing
; Way.
The Absurd Claim of the Organi-
zation as to Its Strength and
Capacity.
A Partial List Is Submitted of the
Saints in That Unsavory
Crowd.

A few weeks ago the A. P. A. had the
world by the tail, and a doWn-hlll pull
was going to dictate who should be pres
ident, says Brann in the Iconoclast. III
the old parties refused to incorporate
Knownothing planks in their platforms
and desecrate the grave of every "Paplst
who signed the Declaration of American
Independence, it would put ticket OF
it's own in the field and sweep the country
like a. prairie fire. 1t represented 'steen
million voters, and when it said to can
didate Come he had to advance in
lope; when it said to him go he went
over the garden wall. 1t decided the
fate of political gladiators by turning its
thumbs up or turning them down Inc
"Ape'' was cock of the walk and bull OF
the woods. 1t was awful AS beson OF
destruction, terrible as an army Of ban
ners Its membership was as the sands
Of the sea for number-more frequent than
eunuchs in Kansas, or fleas on brindle
fee. 1t came down on obsJreperous par
ties like wolf on the fold or a hungry
coyote on yaller hen. 1t was going to
rally round the little red schoolhouse and
protect it from such "Romlsh myrmld-
ons'' as Rosecrans, such "Popish hirelings"
as Sherman and Sheridan. Candidates
trembled before it's frown and hunted up
their protestant pedigrees. NO man
should be president who declined to mix
religion with his politics. Catholics
should be rigidly excluded from Office lest
they turn the national capitol Into a
catedral: converts were to be made lolng-
ing places for curious fools and meddle-
some fanatics. Father Marquette's stat
ue should be dragged with halter about
it's neck from the galaxy Of our civic gods
The various conventions met-and the
tail of the ''Ape'' was mashed. 1t deyel-
oped that this modern Caesar was rich
IN some dozen paltry villages. strong in
some hundred spearsmen en''-that it had
heen "bluffing the bank with a wad OF
brown paper rolled in one-dollar bills.
r. The A. P. A. was Jonah's gourd that
came up in a night; but its root was
wormy and the sun of truth shone upon
and Withered it. 1t was long-eared ass
masouerading in the skin OF a lion. Its
name is Ichabod--alias Mud. The poll
ticians who cringed before this politico-
religio-p -proscriptive party are now driving
their boots SO far under its coat-talls that
IT will taste leather all the rest of its
Life. The Protestants preachers who af-
filiated with it are holding their noses and
uisne disinfectants. Its wind-bloWn or
gans are "bustin +" like painted bladders
or Chinese stinkp0ts. The last OF its
dail:es has turned up it's little pink toes to
the daisies. The editor of its leading maya
zine is in the penitentiary for crime be-
side which murder were honorable and
raoe respectable. Occasionally a little
APE" sheet crawls out Of it's hole like a
moribund rattlesnake taking the sun or
sick prairie dog driven to the surface to
die. In d few months the erstWlie nam
boyant Cape will have passed into the
erstwhile, and Uncle Sam be left to 'ras-
sle" as best he may with Rome. we
should stuff it's NANCY hide and place it
on pedestral of stinkweed in the Valley
of,.Hinnom, as companion piece to the
wolfish skull Of the old Knownothlng par
ty. And grouped about them in this gal
Ierv of the unclean gods. this pantheon
of putridity. should be guano busts OF all
IFS high priests and apostles, each with
appropriate inscription. They would read
az follows: Rev. Benjamin Hudelson,
ex-procurer for houses of prostitution
and now professional boodler; Editor
Price. of the leading A. P A. organ. in
the penitentiary for selling obscene
n:ct,,res to school children. Rev. koeh!er
in the penitentiary for stealing and selling
workingman's clothes and getting
drunk on the money. "Ex-Nun'' Mar
garet sheperd, self confessed courtesan,
adventures and thief. Bishop McNam-
ara. arrested for hoodlum;sm and sentenc-
ed to years Imprisonment for slander.
Ex-President Traynor-alias "Whiskey
Bill" like Iago. he ever made his fool hls
purse. Ex-Priest Slattery. unfrocked for
habitual drunkenness and expelled from a
Baptist college for immortality. "Ex-Nun''
Ellen Golding, denounced by her protestant
sister as an ;ncorrigible liar. Rev. G. NJ.
Thorp, in Wyoming prison for bigamy.
Ex-Priest Ch:niquy, unfrocked for I'M
morality and expelled by the Presbyter-
ian synod of Chicago "for fraud and gross
swindliug.' But I have not space to cat
aloaue all the A. P. A. celebrities-the
protectors of the morals and self-consti-
t,ned guardians of the liberties of Uncle
sam, No wonder the cape" is passing;
# should have been suppressed by the
sanitary inspector before the advent OF
warm weather.
IlNcnIWH HIImnR