The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-05-10
GEMS OF QUICK WIZ.
HAPPY ANSWERS WORTHY OF A
PLACE IN LITERATURE.

OAo "Aeicssms w nicn Arc rs GOOD To-Day
as When They were First Put Forth.
Law Courts and Prisoners Furnish q
GoodIy Share.
MIR. Samuel Weller's memorable evi.
dence at certain breach of promise
trial is probably record" for the
greatest number Of happy answers in the
shortest time, but there are authenti-
rated instances Of actual utterances
which certainly rival them>in brilliance
and Appropriateness. The law courts, as
may be imagined, furnish their full
quota, but many are, perforce, unappre-
cable by those unacquainted with the
technicalities or the "argot" Of the To-
rum. Still. Lambs chatting description
Of friends maiden brief as the ''first
great cause least understood is in
comprehensive enough, as is the quiet,
acqulescent "rhat is so, my lord" of
the barrister to whom an irate Judge
had just observed, ST can't give you
brains, MIR. So-and-so" az, myself,
have two small manors, my lord, - said
very Ill bred, pompous counsel, to IL
!ustrate question Of property law.
I'VE all know that, Mr.. Kewsey," OBJ
served the judge with suave courtesy,
and q smile of delight ran round the
assembled bar. "Look at me, sir, and
attend to what shall ask YOU" thun-
dered learned counsel whose unfortu-
nate "homeliness" of feature had gain
ed him the sobriQuet Of the Yelled
Prophet. "This is an English court, ="
reJoined the witness quietly, land you
have no right to impose torture before
putting the question.
Prisoners, too, have a fair proportion
of happy answers credited to them.
Or these perhaps the best known are
that OF man who, when asked if he
pleaded guilty or not guilty." replied
that he couldn't say till he had heard
the evidence, and the naive response of
the prisoner to the usual question before
the sentence, Have you anything to
say, prisoner, before sentence is pro-
nounced upon your" cts very kind Of
your honor, and if it's quite agreeable
to the court should like to say Good
evening. On one occasion counsel il
certain drainage case submitted that
the plaintiffs, the Sewage Localization
company, had mo locus standi' in this
court. y Heaven forbidp was the fer
vent ejaculation of the learned Judge.
Something akin to this was the answer
of the judge when complaint was made
that luckless process server had been
compelled to swallow the writ he had
endeavored to serve. ~ hope" said his
lordship gravely, "that the writ was
not made returnable in this court"
The happy answers owing their
point to Biblical or ecclesiastical allu-
Bions, are still more numerous, but in
many cases are somewhat too audacious
for print. ''He is regular st. Paul.
was the final eulogy made by an enthu-
siastic friend of a certain needy clergy
man whose chronic impecuniosity had
brought him into painfully frequent ia:
mlllarlty with the various processes Of
the law for the recovery Of debts.
yes" said the bishop, whose assist
ance was being solicited, "quite SO. I
see-'in prisons oft'" The pardonable
but injudicious enthusiasm of some cler-
gymen over their musical services has
given rise to many smart sayings, which
are, at any rate, "ben trovato" None,
perhaps, is better than the familiar one
Of the exasperated visitor who, after be-
ing made to listen in torment to Gre
gorian chants cruelty murdered, was
told that according to tradition those
chants owed their origin to King David
himself. The visitor, rendered reckless
by his misery, retorted that he had Of
ten wondered why Saul threw that jaw
elm at the royal psalmist, but he quite
understood it now.
A careworn divine is reported to have
said i'll reply to the ecstatio declaration
of an intending Benedict that nothing
In the world beats good wife," ooh,
yes, bad husband often does, and
vice versaP" One would like to have
known the schoolgirl who, in reply to
her brothers. jeers and inquiry, "Why
girls should be always kissing each 9th
er and men not?" said that, Of course,
it was because girls had nothing better
to kiss and men had-but perhaps she
studied the question too deeply and de-
veloped into the fair cynic who, after a
season or two Of conquests, gave it as
her opinion that men We're like colds,
very easy to catch and very hard to get
rid of. Few better things are recorded
than the answer Of Beaconsfield to the
question how he felt after the change
from the stormy scenes Of the commons
to the serene atmosphere Of the lords.
Feel" answered the statesman. st
feel as though 1 were dead and buried"
and then, noticing for the first time
that his questioner was peer, he add
ed, with charming smile and bow,
land among the blessed spirits Of the
great and good" This adroit recovery