davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

idea coming into HE head; "sup-
pose you stay up here and pray
while L go down and sleep with
paw
THE CoDFIsH.-This tropical bird
seldom wings his way as far west as
Wyoming. He loves the sea breeZes
and the humid atmosphere of the
Atlantic ocean, and when isolated
in this mountain cline, pines for his
native home. The Goldfish cannot
sing, but is priced for his beautiful
plumage and seductive color.
The Goldfish of commerce is devoid
Of digestive apparatus, and is more
or less permeated with salt.
Goldfish on toast is not as expensive
as quail on toast.
The Goldfish ball is made of tho
shattered remains Of the adult cod
fish, mixed with the tropical Irish
potato of commerce.
The Goldfish has great wealth of
unfettered smile. When he laughs
at anything, he has that same wide
waste Of mirth and back teeth that
MIR. Talmage has. The Wyoming
Goldfish is usually dead. Death in
most cases, is the result of exposure
and loss Of appetite.
THE RELENTLESS GARDEN HOSE.
1T is now the proper time for the
cross-eyed woman to fool with the
garden hose. have faced death in
almost every form, and | do not
know what fear is, but when Il wo-
man with one eye gazing into the
zodiac and the other peering into
the middle of next week and wear
ing one of those f1oppy sunbonnet,
picks up the nozzle of the garden
hose and turns on the full force of
the institution, 1 fly wildly to the
Mountains of Hepsidam.
Water won't hurt anyone, of
course, If care Is used not to forget
and drink any of 1t, but it is this
horrible suspense and uncertainty
about facing the nozzle of a garden
hose in the hands of a cross-eyed
woman that unnerves and paralyZes
me.
instantaneous death is nothing to
me. L am as cool and collected
where leaden rain and iron hail are
thickest, as l would be in my own
office writing the obituary of the
man who steals my jokes. But
hate to be drOwnded slowly in my
good clothes and on dry land and
have my dying gaze rest on woman
whose ravishiDg beauty would drive
a narrow-guage mule Into convul- |
sions and make him hate himself to
death.
DEDICATIoN-TO MY WIFE,
Who has courteously and heroically |
laughed at my feeble and emaciated
jokes even when she did not feel
like it; who has again and again
started up and agitated the flag
ging and reluctant applause,
who hasscourageously held
my coat through this trying
ordeal, land who, even now,
as / write this is in the
front yard warning
people to keep off
the premises until
| have another
lucid inter-
val,
This volume Is affectionately in
:cribed,
hx,
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

AFTER the passage in Georgia of
the severe laws against gambling,
Judge Dooly was very rigid in their
enforcement. At the close of ses-
sion of the superior court, the Judge
had retired to rest, but the noise of
faro-table in the adjoining room
disturbed him so much that he got
up, dressed, and went in and told
them that he had tried all legal
methods to break them up, and had
failed; and now he was determined
to adopt another plan. Before the
night had closed he broke the bank,
and told the parties to clear out and
be more careful i'm the future how
they interfered with the court.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

A SCoTCHMAN had q dream in
which he saw four rats In single
hle. The first was fat and sleek.
The second and third we're thin and
half starved. The fourth was blind.
lie puzzled much as to the meaning
OF the dream. Both himself and
Wife telt sure 1t meant some calamity.
FINALLY the boy Of the family, with
Keen wit and practical wisdom, ven
tured an Interpretation. "The fat
rat" said he, "is the saloon keeper.
The lean rats are mother and N.Y.
self. The blind rat Is yourself,
father.n
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

A CORRESPONDENT of the Atlanta
Journal at Washington tells story
of well-known naval dignitary
who has beautiful daughter. A GER
tain young ensign, with no resources
but his slender salary. fell in love
with her and asked the old gentle
man for her hand.
The father at once taxed him with
the fact that he had only his salary
hardly enough to keep him in white
gloves and to burnish his buttons.
/" Well, Mr.. Admiral, what you
say is true. But when you married
you were only a midshipmn, with
even smaller salary than mine
How did you get along ?" asked the
ensign, who believed he had made the
most diplomatic of defences.
But not so. The crafty old sea
dog thundered forth: 81 lived on
my father-in-law for the first ten
years, but I'll be id If you are GO
ing to do it,"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02
What You Must Never Do.

Never be ashamed to Work-eyen
if you have to work some other fel.
low.
Never talk too much-a stiff lower
jaw is as useful as a stiff upper lip.
Never judge a woman's cooking
by the cake she sends church so.
Cial.
Never buy thermometer in the
summer time, they are always lower
in the winter.
Never threaten to kiss a pretty
girl-always beg her pardon after
wards.
Never make two bites of cherry
you might cut worm in two.
Never allow yourself to get the
big head-it will cost you too much
for hats.
Never strike a man below the belt
unless you are aiming at his pocket
book.
Never turn a new leaf unless YOU
have something sensible to write on
the page.
Never hang your head even if YOU
are guilty-the Sheriff will attend
the hanging.
Never marry for money-but al
ways for love, but if girl has
money though try to love her.
Never marry girl who is not in
dustrious-you might want her to
support you some time.
Never wear tight corset-if YOU
must be squeezed let some man do it.
Never steal your neghbor's good
name-even if yours is worn out.
Never let your wife wear the
trousers-buy her bloomers.
Never judge man by the clothes
he wears-form your estimate from
the wearing apparel of his wife.
Never marry girl who thinks
she may learn to love you--a little
learning j. dangerous thing.
Never marry large-hearted man
he has a capacity for loving too
many women at the same time.
Never marry a cane unless you
are crippled-for if you are not
physically you are mentally.
Never play cards with a woman
as they always have such loving win
ming ways.
Never talk with a windy fellow
u" IL VIII Llhhe -pnGunatlcally
tired.
Never tell hair raising tale to a
football player-always spring it on
a bald-headed man.
Never kiss girl in a crowd-she
prefers it done in private.
Never be clam-if you must be
anything of the kind, be turtle
then you will have little snap about
you.
Never forget to pity a young man
who parts his hair in the middle-as
ne has to do it to prevent his mind
from becoming unbalanced.
Never boast of your genealogy-
'ven if you succeed i'm tracing it
back to Adap and Eve. You can't
ind any record of their marriage.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

A CHINESE doctor Is employed
by families by the year at rate, ac-
cording to their means and his repu-
tation, of one to five cents day, as
long as every member of the family
Is well. When one falls i'll the doe
tors pay stops until health Is fully
restored.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

"CoURTING is like two little
streams of water that steal their way
under rock at the foot of the
mountain, and run down the hill
side by side singing and dancing and
spattering each other, eddying and
frothing and cascading; now hiding
under bank, now full Of sun, and
now full Of shadow, until by and by
they join and then go slow.n
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

HUMOR ON THE BENCH.--Some
new, or newly told, stories Of Lord
Chief Baron O'Grady, one of the
Irish judges of the last generation.
have appeared in the English law
papers. The Chief Baron's reputa-
ton as a humOrist has been kept
alive in the British courts by many
tales of his sayings while on the
bench. When a woman, who had
been convicted before him of rob-
berry and who had committed an as
sault on police officer in the court
room, was arraigned for sentence,
he proceeded in the manner usual in
serious cases to sentence her to trans
portation, but closed the sentence
with variation of the usual formula
by saying, "and may God have
mercy upon those who shall have to
manage you there"
A prisoner against whom the evil
dence was strong was acquitted be-
fore the Chief Baron. A motion
for the prisoners discharge was
made, but the judge turned to the
counsel and said, "The prisoner will
be discharged at noon tomorrow.
set out for Waterford in the morning
and wish to have two hours start of
your Client"
A lawyer, who urged the good be-
havior of his client in prison since
the arrest was made as a reason for
clemency, was disappointed when
the Judge said to the prisoner, "Your
conduct in Jail has been as good as
your conduct out of it has been bad
In the interest of the community,
the longer you remain in prison the
better it will be.D
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

OLD MONEYBAGs-And can Won
earn enough, young man, to support
my daughter in the style to which
she has been accustomed
Young Man (proudly)-I should
not think of such thing, sir; bat
l can show her how to spend your
fortune in much better style than
you know how to do it.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

CANTERBURY CATHEDRAL is the
largest one in England. It's extreme
length Is 545 feet, and that of St.
Paul's, London, 512 feet. Salisbury
Is the highest spire in England, Its
altitude being 404 feet.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

HOME WITHOUT SLIPPERs.-He
had taken off his shoes, and was
down on his hands and knees in a
closet searching for something when
his wife noticed him.
What are you looking for, Will
liam ?" she asked.
"My slippers" he replied.
"Oh, 1 gave those old things
away to-day" she said.
You gave them away - he re.
peated, and then he added solemnly,
Mrs. Mitfier, are you trying to
drive me away from home ?"
"Of course not. II
"What is home without slippers?n
he interrupted. What is an even
ing at home with heavy boots on
your feet? Mrs. Mitfler, what do
you think constitutes a home ?"
"Why, you can get another pair,n
she protested.
"Of course can," he exclaimed.
81 can get a new pair of stiff-soIed
slippers, and spend thirty days in
breaking them in.'
"The others were torn, and"
"That's why liked them! They
were comfortable. When I got
them on things seemed homelike.-
| was settled for the evening, and a
fOur-horse team could not get me
out again. But now-noW / am
ready for the club, or theatre, or any
other place. Slippers, Mrs. Miffier,
help to make the difference between
the home and the office, and old slip
pers make the difference greatest
can't see why"
"Of course you can't. No woman
ever can, but 1 tell you, if / were
running things I'd make every wo-
man take a course in slippers
That's what is needed more than
suffrage or anything else in that line.
Just slippers, nothing but Slippers ~
He got up, stamped around the
room in his stocking feet Tor a min
ute or two, and then put on his boots
again.
This isn't home," he said bit
terly. at isn't bit like it. I'm
going to the club"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02
MORE ABOUT HIM.

Alfred Austin, the new poet lau
reate, is so little known that almost
literally everybody asked, 1" who is
Alfred Austin, and what did he ever
write ?" Some were so disrespect-
ful as to insInuate that his appoint
ment was due to the fact that his
first name was akin to that of Ten
nyson. The fact that he has ever
written to please royalty rather than
for the market has probably led to
his appointment. He is sixty years
OF age. His parents were Roman
Catholic. He is literally educated,
studied law, but had no success tried
for scat in parliament twice and
failed both times. He is an emil
nent journalist, and his poetry has
led to his professional preferment.
In 1861 his first acknowledged vol
ume of verse, 1.-THE Season: A
Satire" appeared and was very Sc
verely criticised. Austin replied to
his critics in a poem, entitled my
Satire and its Censors," which he
has since suppressed. During the
past thirty-tour years many fugi-
tive poems, dramas, and novels have
come from his pen; but he has not
taken rank as great poet, a great
dramatist, or a great novelist. In
1869 he wrote "A Vindication of
Lord Byron" in reply to Harriet
Beecher's Stoves article, "The
True Story OF Lord Byron's Life"
When Albert Victor, Duke of Clar-
ence, died, almost on the eve Of his
proposed marriage to Princess May,
Austin wrote very touching poem
about the tragedy, and expressed
great sympathy for Princess May,
Forever doomed to wear
The mockery OF -wldowhOod about her
maiden hair"
This poem made great hit with
British royalty.-N. E. Journal of
Education.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

A MAN was driving rapidly down
the street when he accidentally ran
over negro. Unable to stop his
horse, true to nature, he called out ::
" Hi, there get out of the way 20
AT that moment the dazed ne
gro' not much hurt, picked himself
up, and shouted in reply:
Fo' dc lan's sake, boss, yo' amt
comm back again, be yo'?"
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02

SHE-Poor fellow! Only one eve,
How came you to lose the other 2
for work, mum
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02
Notice.

HAVE returned home to remain
Il this fall and winter. Ihaye located
IN DR.. s. Ii. Austin's office, op Main
street, to work at my trade. Work
guaranteed to give perfect satisfaction.
Also still continue my oculist business.
VIII call on any parties who desire
Glasses, if they will let me know.
l have also added to my line of busI-
ness repairing Of all kinds of Sewing
Machines. Also ali kinds of material
for them on hand. All work guaran-
teed. Bring on your machines.
Very respectfully,
j. A. LOWE,
oct. 24-tf. Jeweler & Opticlan.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02
CONCORD State NORMAL SCHOOL.

nFFERS unequaled advantages to
young ladies and young gentlemen
desiring to become teachers. The town
Is beautifully located on q rolling
plateau, 1850 feet above the sea-
tuition free to Normal appointees. A
handsome residence for young ladies,
under the management Of Mr.. and Mrs.
w. S. Adair. Large grounds with
beautiful grove and lawn tennis court
Tor out. door amusement of the young
ladies. Students can enter at any time
Fall term begins Wednesday, Sept. 18th.
For further information and catalogue
address
JOHN d. SWEENEY,
Prin., Concord Church, w. Va.
Greenbrier independent. [volume] (Lewisburg, Va. [W. Va.]) 1859-1980, 1896-04-02
Alfred Austin, Poet Laureate Of Eng
land.

1t has been the custom for centu-
ries for the ruler of Great Britain to
choose some noted British poet as
poet laureate to the ruler of that
country. This custom was observed
as early as the time of Edward ".
Since the time Of Ben Johnson there
has been direct line of poet laure-
ates. This line is as follows: Ben
johnson l630-163S; Davenant 1888
Dryden 1670-16S9; Shad-
we'll lGS9-1692; Tate 1693-1714;
Rowe l7li-l7lS; Eusden 1719-
1880; Cibber 1730-1757 White
head 175S-l7S5; Warton 1856
1880; Pye l790-1Sl3; Southey
1Sl3-1843; Wordsworth 1873
1850; Tennyson 1S50-1S92. The
poet laureate receives pension from
the British government.
When Lord Alfred Tennyson died
in 1892 there were many queries as
to his successor, as his fame made all
other poets seem too insignificant to
fill his place. Three years have
passed since Tennyson's death and
one has been found to fill the vacant
office. On New YEARS. day Queen
Victoria appointed Alfred Austin as
poet laureate of Great Britain.
Alfred Austin was born in Leeds,
England, in 1885. He was reared
and educated for a lawyer but de-
cided to devote himself to litera-
ture. His first volume of poems
was published in 1861. Since then
he has written many books. Among
his works are: "The Golden Age"
" Rome or DEATH" "The Tower of
Babel" "An Artists Proof"
q Won by a Head" England's
Darling" Fortmatus tho Pessi-
mist. ."-THe Educator.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1896-08-16
NATIONAL
HEADQUARTERS
They Will Be at Chicago With a
Branch at Washington City,
Vigorous Work.

WASHINGTON, Aug. 15.-This
evening Chairman Jones gave out
the following:
The headquarters of the national
Democratic committee win be es-
talplished at Chicago, with a. branch
in Washington city.
"A part of the campaign commit
tee, sufficient to conduct the bust
ness of the campaign for The present
has been appointed. The gentle
men selected so far are: John R.
Mclean, Ohio; D. }. Campau, Mich
igan; j. D. Johnson, Kansas; Clark
Howell, Georgia; B. B. Smallsy, Ver-
mont; and Thomas Gahan, Illinois.
Mr.. j. L Norris has also been Sc
lected as assistant treasurer of the
Democratic national committee, To-
Gated at Washington. Other appoint
ments will be made as occasion re-
quires. The executive committee
will be appointed iate-.
MIR. German was requested to
accept a place on the campo gn COM
mbttee. He declines because of the
selection OF Chicago, as he coult not
very well 20 so far from his own
state. He viii, as a member Of the
national committee, engage actively
in his own and in neighboring
states"
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1896-08-16
IDAHO POLITICS.
DEMOCRATIC COUNTY CONVENTION
HELD AT BOISE.
DESTROYS of Joining With All
Friends of True Silver, But Want
Nothing to Do With Political
Mavericks.


BOISE, Ida, Aug. 15.-The Democrat
ic county convention, which was held
this afternoon, came in like a lamb
and went out like lion.
The Ballentyne faction attempted to
shut out nominations by delegates
other than those who resided in the
respective precincts of the nominees.
This was to forestaE the plan of the
Vandorn faction-or, as the Ballen-
tyneites call them, the Boise gang-to
send to the state convention a delegate
from Union precinct other than ]. NJ
Ballentyne; for they knew Mr.. Bal
lenyne was the choice of the delega-
ton from that precinct. Discussion
Of the report that brought the matter
up precipitated a big row, which came
near ending in free-for-all fight. The
convention declared. emphatically in
favor of the proposed fusion with the
Populists. There was nothing said in
the resolutions about the Republican
boilers, but the feeling OF the conven-
ton was reflected in the general APP
plause that followed a remark by R. H.
Cooke, that "tile Democrats were de-
sirous of joining with the true friends
of silver, but would have nothing to
do with the political mavericks, with
out virtue or principle, whose only
ambition was to get into Office again.
The following are the delegates
elected to the state convention, which
will convene here next Tuesday:
S. H. Hays, ]. B. Wood, Frank Mar
tin, R. H. Johnson, c. C. Stevenson,
A. A. Fraser, Charles Himrod. Charles
vandorn, c. H. Jackson and Mark
Bates.
Republican boilers held convention
here today and elected delegates to
attend the state convention on the 18th.
At the same time the McKinleyites
were holding primaries to send dele
gates to the county convention, to be
held on the 22nd, that will elect dele
gates to the state convention on the
26th, which will split the Republican
party in Idaho wide open.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1896-08-16

tSpeFlal TO Inc f7eraid-)
NAMPA, Idaho, Aug. 15.-The Demo
cratic county convention to elect seven
delegates to the state convention met
here today and was called to order by
Chris Fahy, chairman of the county
central committee
H. c. Bowman read the call.
]. c. Rich was elected temporary
chairman, and H. c.. Bowman tempo
rary secretary.
The temporary organization was
made permanent
Bryan, Sewall and the Chicago plat
form were endorsed and the delegates
to the state convention pledged to fus-
ion with the Populist party, and to
use all honorable means to secure the
nomination Of Hon. Frank Steunen-
berg for governor. The delegates are
c. r. Shaw, o. H. Galloway, A. Hinky,
j. Cave, W. A. Coughanor, S. f. Cha
ney and ]. A. MCGEE
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1896-08-16
HANNA PUFFED UP.
Says the Chances For Republican
Success Are Very Good.

says the Chances For Republican
Success Are Very Good.
CHICAGO, Aug. 15.-Chairman Han
ma finished his weeks political work
tonight, and left the city at S:45 o'clock
for Cleveland. Before leaving, Mr..
Hanna said to a representative of the
United Associated Presses:
Il am very we'll satisfied with the
preliminary organization. The results
will be beneficial to the cause in all the
twenty seven states under the western
Jurisdiction. For the rest of this
month the campaign will be conducted
along lines of education. About Sep
TENDER 1 we will open up all along the
line with speakers and make an ag
gressive campaign. From I'll the re-
ports 1 have received within the week
l can say the situation in the middle
western states, the battle ground, is
excellent for our success
When Mr. Hanna was asked what
the party battle cry would be, he was
anticipated by Mr.. Payne, who offered
Major McKinley's utterance this week
at Canton:
1T is better to open the mills to la
Dor of the United States than to open
the minis of the United States to the
silver of the world
Mr.. Hanna said that it was just the
thing, and added that 100,000 copies
of the majors speech were being print
ed in Canton for general distribution.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1896-08-16
Al PocateEIo.
(special 10 The Herald

Especial 10 The Herald.)
POCATELLO, Ida, Aug. 15.-The
Democratic county convention met in
Pocatello today to elect delegates to the
state convention, at Boise, August 10.
Ten delegates were selected, who were
instructed to use their best judgment
toward afI1liating with any other party
with a view of securing better state
and county government.
The convention adopted resolutions
congratulating the Democratic party on
the fearless stand taken on the f1nan-
cial question, and the selection of the
brilliant standard bearer, w. j. Bryan.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1896-08-16
GREEDY SPAIN.
She is Preparing to Present a Heavy
BIZ Against the United States on
Account of Filibustering Expedi-
lions.

NEW YORK, Aug. ia Herald spec
ial from Washington says: Spain is
preparing to present heavy bill for
damages against the United States gov
eminent on account of the operations
Of Cuban fflibustering expeditions. Cal
deron Carlisle, the legal adviser of the
Spanish legation, has just submitted to
Senior De LONE by his direction, a vol
luminous report on the legal aspect of
hosltihties committed by vessels espec-
tally adapted wholly or in part in the
United States for warlike usages ana by
nlis-tary expeditions and enterprises
carried on from the territory of tne
United States against the Spanish do
nlinion in Cuba during tile present adj
ministration.'
The report is accompanied by five ap-
pendices citing proclamations Of the
president, the laws of the United States
and the judicial proceedings bearing on
the subject. The whole makes a book
Of 1870 closely printed pages.
The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1896-08-16
THE SHIPS.

NEW YORK, Aug. 5-Arrfved-Al-
geria from Mediterranean ports; UNI
bria from Liverpool; La Gascogne from
Havre.
Sailed-La No1mandie, Havre; Mas
sachusetts for London; Gbdam for
Rotterdam; Bonn for Bremen; Prussia
for Hamburg; Ethiopia for Glasgow;
Albany for Hamburg; Thlngvalla for
Copenhagen.
Sailed for New York-La Bretagne,
from Hamburg; Paris, from Southamp-
ton; Schiedam, from Amsterdam; H.
H Meier, from Bremen; Moravia. from
Hamburg aug. 49,; Island, from Stet-
tin, Aug. Is.