Vilas County news. [volume] (Eagle River, Vilas County, Wis.) 1896-1927, 1896-12-14

Shopman-"Because we will guarantee,
madam, that it will never run."-Fuh:
PROSPECTIVE PROFIT.
Soon will the man who owns sleigh
Declare there's money i'll it;
He will not rent it by the day;
He'll rent it by the minute.
Washington Star.
''Do you really think she loves me?'
II am sure of it, my boy. Why, only
the other day she said she was incon-
until she met you Philadelphia Amer
lean.
Darby Suffering from the effects of a
night out)-"Oh, Lord! amt | got sore
throatY
Joan" Serves you right! I only wish
you was a bloomin' giraWffe. '-Pick-Me-
Up.
''Pa, what is dramatic ability?''
Dramatic ability? Well, it is type
writer girls gift Of looking sorry when
she hears that her employer will have
to stay at home a week with a bad cold. !"
Chicago Record.
Sexton Ito divine, who was spending
his holidays in the country, and who, on
the sudden illness of the village parson,
volunteered to take the duties)-"A worse
preacher would have done for u.s. sir, but
we couldn't get one. Punch.
"Harkv' cried the long-haired maya
zine poet, chow the people cheer me
how they recognize geniusn'
''You are mistaken" whispered his
wife. ''They think you are a football
player" Atlanta Constitution.
She-"And now, Charlie, | suppose to-
morrow you will have to speak to papa
about this
He-"Yes, dearest, | suppose [ must.
(After a pause.) Has your father got a
telephone Y'-Somerville Journal.
The bicycle craze, according to the
United States Tobacco Journal, has de-
creased the consumption of cigars IN
this country by about 100000 a day
The decrease since the craze set in has
actually been 7O000O,OO0 year.
Buzzfuzz rs there much difference
between comic and grand opera = Slz-
zletop (emphatically)-'Oh yes. In COM
ic opera the actresses wear the startling
costumes; in grand opera they are worn
by the ladies in the boxes. PUCK.
The schools would soon have to keep
right through the year if the demands
of those who want new "brancnes
taught were needed. From Philadelphia
comes a demand that children be taught
the dangerous qualities Of kerosene. n
More Room-Y Young Mrs. Fitts-"The
Trolleybys have such a jewel of hired
girl. Their floor is actually clean enough
to eat off" Young Mr.. Fitts-"By
George, that ought to be right handy
when he has to carve q duck. Indiana
polls Journal.
Razwit-,''I hear Mutely got so excited
in silver argument last night that he
lost the power of articulation"
Bilduz- why, | thought he was deaf
and dumb
Razwit-"Yes: he dislocated both
thumbs. New York Press.
sI'll teach you to play pitch and toss"
shouted an enraged father. iii hog
Won for an hour. [ willr' Gather" in
stantly replied the incorrigible, as he
balanced a penny on his thumb and nm
ger, 'I'll toss you to make it two
There was a capital 'bull'' at a recent
meeting of the London school board.
The report of committee was being dis
cussed by the full board. ''The commit
tee" said one member, hadn't leg to
stand upon; and now the board are asked
to follow in their footsteps. Household
Words.
mister" said the honest searcher af-
ter employment, cant you give me some
way to earn an honest dollar
cit out of the placer shouted the
Populistic gentleman with the long whis-
kers Cit out, | don't want no gold
bugs workin' fer me."-lndianapolls
Journal.
me to GO and see her boy, and [ must go
at once" His Wife-''What is the mat
ter with the boy?'' The Doctor-'I don't
know; but Mrs. Brown has book on
What to Do Before the Doctor Comes,
and | must hurry up before she does it. !"
Household Words.
List oh! list, to the prophetic goose
bone The Pineville, Ky, Courier says:
''Uncle Mat. Samuels, who has lived
through ninety of them, says this is to
be a very hard and cruel winter. He
argues from the clouds, shades and color
of a large goose-bone which he brought
to our office along with his prognostica-
TONS"
Man" said the oracular man from
the East, imam should be the mind of
the household, while woman should be
the heart"
''Of course said the vivacious lady
from Chicago, ''you still allow the wom-
an her immemorial privilege of a change
of mind as often as she desires? PIN
dianapolis Journal.