The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1896-07-10
THE CELIBAEE CLUB.
DY W, j. HAMPTON.

"Women,7 remarked Jack Forest,
"are the bane of bachelor civilization" "
woman Is woe personifled," re-
marked Arcturus O'Ryan, known as the
star bachelor of the combination.
eff 1 had choice of all things on
earth," said John Temple, II woull
choose woman last"
"What in thunder are they here for p
inquired Will King.
"On one she smiles, and he Is blest, "
scornfully quoted Frank Park, and
added, land then she smiles on all the
rest"
Fellow sufferers" said I, Thomas
bennington, by superiority of age and
experience chief of the Celibate Coterie,
heartily coinciding with the individual
and aggregate opinions just expressed,
"permit me to offer the following reso-
lutions:
Whereas, Woman. by her continued ac-
tions, shows that she Is In favor of the utter
determination of bachelors; and
Whereas. Woman on oil occasions and
at all times expresses her abhoFrence OF
bachelors as such: and
Whereas, Woman has no use for man
unless she can lead him around by the nose;
and
Whereas, Woman Is constantly on the
lookout for that kind of a man with that
kind of a nose; and
Whereas, Woman believes that man was
provided with nose simply as a handle for
her to take hold Of; and
Whereas, Woman thinks she owns the
earth, and the men thereof; and
whereas, She was never moro mistaken
in her life: therefore be 1t
fl,ofx axtyl,n eli tIIrn a orO
hereto appended do hereby assert our man.
hood and hurl defiance in her teeth; and
Resolved, That we entirely ignore the
existence of all womankind; and
Resolved, That we do solemnly pledge
ourselves to throw Off the female yoke,
to trample beneath our feet the fetters
woman would forge upon us, to assert and
maintain that we are one and indiVisible.
and that henceforth and forever we Will
neither marry any woman nor be mar
ried by her"
AS might have been expected, these
resolutions were received with vocif'
erous applause, and the meeting OF tht
Celibate club became SO hilarious that
three babies on the floor below and
seven on the floor above were aroused
from their angel slumbers, and soon
had awakened everybody else in the
building. After which we adjourned
having been implored to do SO by n COM
mittee of 12 married men, who assured
US that when we had children OF
our own we could better understand
their feelings in the matter.
At this point, possibly, / might ex'
plain that the gentlemen whose names
have been mentioned We're unmarried
hny,c6 from 70
to so, who had been compelled by the
emergencies by which they had been
surrounded to take this means of do
fense. They were all good men ant
true, and when their word had beer
given there was no power on earth
could break it,
We had formally resolved to be per
petual bachelors, and that settled tht
| business.
And what feeling Of exquisite rest
| 1t gave me! For years l bad been fiat
tering women and paying court tc
| them and murmuring sweet nothinSs
to them, and sitting on damp piazzns
| in the moonlight with them, and lollin9
| beneath the shade of summer resort
trees philosophizing on love, and hold
| ing girls hands and spending my hard
earned savings to make maiden's holi'
day, and writing inane and vapid poems
to their drug store compleXions and
their liquid blue or brown or gray eyes
as the case might be, and SO on, ad in
iritum de disgustibusque.
Now and then, am willing to con-
fess, found one who was really quite
irresistible, and became serious, only
to find, when some other chap came
around, how utterly irresponsible and
unreliable all women were. confess
also, that such experiences were rather
unpleasant to my general feelings nnd
gave me seasons of depression, not tc
say gloom.
But with the coterie's resolutions
fixed in my mind l felt q new strength
and began life all over again, and
with such an infinite sense of relief
that words are quite inadequate to ex
press my state of mind.
For three months this blissful condL
| tion continued, and then l was thrown
from u horse and sustained injuries
to the extent of Il broken leg and mum
berless bruises. i had ordered myself
to be taken to the hospital. where al
good bachelors go when they are Ill, bui