Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1896-03-02

least to complain of that does uhe
most kicking.
Kentry = Is your fiat fire proof?
Towne-You'd think so if you'd shiv-
cred there all winter.
You may have some sense, but If
you staud with the door open this
weather you can't prove it.
Do you let your wife have her own
way? Oh yes; it's only when she wants
to have mine that I object.
Editor-The characters of your sto-
ry are too cheap. Author-Weu, L
can make plumber out of this farm
er.
Do you desire the peace Of Europe?
Chorus of Great Powers That de-
ponds on which of us gets the biggest
piece.
"Enpec played mean trick on his
wife while she was away" "What?"
Caught the parrot to scream, "You
talk too much!"
Spanish General-Why did you let
the rebels defeat you? Colonel
couldn't help it, general; they got to
the telegraph office first.
By Jove, I left my purse under my
pillow! Oh, we'll, your servant is hon
est, isn't she? That's just it. She'll
take it right up to my wife!
Bashful : Isn't that Stickative
bore; always dragging in his tiresome
chestnuts? Miss Waiting = Yes, but
chestnuts pop sometimes, don't you
know.
There are some things in this world
that don't understand, said Bobby.
One of them is why small boys have
such little stomachs and such large
appetites.
Chow do you pronounce the last
syllable Of that word 'butterine'?"
asked the customer. s'The last sylla-
BILE is SILENT" stiff1y replied the groc-
er's clerk.
Cannibalism "Where are the chill
dren, Susan?" asked a visitor of the
nurse. "The ladies up at the parson-
age has got them all for dinner, to day
ma'am," was the reply.
"Have you any Holsters to-day?"
asked the young housekeeper. eyes,
ma'am, here's a fresh lot" ooh, dear
me! don't want green ones. Haven't
you any that are riper?"
Leaf wander if Prof. Kidder m cant
anything by it? Perrins By what?
Leo - He advertised to lecture on
"Fools," and when I bought a ticket
it was marked "Admit one"
Mudge-There is no doubt that wo-
man is losing all those finer instincts
she once had. Wickwire Well, if
that is the case, you may find one Of
them yet who will marry you.
Big Sister-Dick, 1 think it is time
little folks were in bed. Little Dick
Con Mr.. Nicefellow's knee. oh, it's
all right. Mamma said I should stay
here until she came down stairs.''
"You probably think you're pre- t.
ty fine piece of furniture," observed
the chair member, removing his coat
and getting to work; "but I am going
to take the cane seat out Of you"
Seeing little boy crying on Main
street, kind-hearted gentleman ask
ed: "Sonny, why do you cry that
way?" ''Be-be cause II don't know
know how to cry any other way-bo-
hoo!"
Teacher-Tommy, you may define
the difference between awhile and a
time. Tommy -wy-when paw
says he is going down town for
while, NAV says she'll bet he is going
for time.
A lady of charitable disposition
asked a poor man if she could not
help him by mending his clothes.
eyes, madam" he replied. 81 have
button, and you would oblige me
greatly by sewing a coat to it.''
You used to say you though heav-
en- sent me oyou,s she said tearfully af-
ter little family jar, L see no reason to
change my mind about that now, he
returned. Really! she exclaimed de-
lightedly. Certainly, he replied. Then
he spoiled it all by adding-As pun
ishment.
BUcklen'S Arnica Salye.
The Best Sa1ve in the world for cuts, bruis-