The Monitor-register., 1896-11-27

o holy ones OF old, because of these
Your record true we know!
The Independent.
LITTLE FUN.
Hs-"Well, must be off ;"
She-'Yes, little. noticed that the |
first time met you."-Eschange. !
~
IBID you read that story about "The |
House on the Bluff?' asked the CHEEKY |
idiot.
WHAT was it-a boarding housed
Indianapolis Journal
x~x
1T must be such pleasure to sing as
you do. Does your husband sing. tooP"
"Well-John wants to sing awfully-
and he does. "-Harlem Life.
~.
Visitor-How much the baby resembles
its mother!
Father-Yes; it talked when 1t was
only six months old.-Harlem Life.
x~~
Mrs. Quiverful (sternly)-"What was
going on in the parlor last night?"
Ethel (blushing)-Only my engage.
ment ring, mamma IN ?. Tribune
~
Disastrous Run on Private Bank.-A
Bath woman who banked In her stocking
broke garter and lost $56 in her efforts
to catch street car.-Baaoor Nssos.
4*x
She-"They say he married her for her
figure"
He-"That was quite natural"
"She-"Oh, no, 1t wasn't."-N r
Tribune.
"Wonder why old SINNERS funeral
was privateP"
'Family didn't have enough grief to
make good display, guess.-DetrOst
Mesos.
"Uncle Simon, why does all the world
love lover?"
"Because they know he will be spend
ing money a. long as he can raise cent"
|-Chieago Record.
"Doesn't 1t strike you that the tempera.
ture Of this room is rather high?"
''Thsre isn't any doubt about It," re-
piled the frugal young man. Every ton
of coal costs g." Journal.
Old Gruff-Waiter, you don't mean to
say that this is spring lambe
+ Waiter-Indeed, II is, sir.
Old Gruff-H'ml What year.-Harper' .
Bdzar.
~
Mrs. Fraser-Only think, doctor, they
say that poor Grimston was buried alive.
Doctor Jalap-That's what comes of
employing an irregular practitioner. No
patient Of mine was ever buried alive
Boston Transcript
.~%
"What do you wish, madamep' said
the election officer to Mrs. Tenspot.
"You have already voted once to-day
You voted before noon. you know"
"Oh, yes, I know that" replied the vote
rsss, ''but want to change my ba!lot."-
Harper's Bosor.
-
Doctor-Just place this thermometer
under your tongue, Mrs. Peaue, and keep
your lips closed tightly.
Mr.. Henry Peque (after few minutes
of speechless delight)-What will you
take for that instrument, Doe Puck.
IS
Mrs. Fogg-I was ashamed Of you.
The idea of you leaving the church just
as they were going to take up the oollec.
ton.
Fogg-I beg your pardon, but was
perfectly correct. A motion to adjourn Is
always In order. boston Transcript
~
''The bill collector is still downstairs.
SIR"
"Didn't tell you to say to him that
died suddenly half an hour ago."
eyes, sir; but he says he would like .
few moments conversation with the
corpse. "-LJe.
~
Mrs. Mackey-And 80 you have no
mother now?
Jimmy-No, mum.
Mrs. Mackes my boy, whenever
you feel the want of good licking come
to me and I'll be mother to you.-Lon-
don TIT Bits.
~
SIS 1t true that your father has made
an assignment" asked an agitated lover
Of his finance.
can his vast fortune is swept away"
she siged; ''but you are left, Algy."
II should say was left. Great Heav.
ensp-Nsv York Dispatch.
x#x
"Well," remarked the wife Of the man
who has changed his mind about coming
to Congress, ''you have q clear con-
science, anyhow"
II know that, was the comfortless
reply; "but clear conscience isn't what
l was running for. - Warrington Star.
~.
Worked the Other Way.-''Madam,' >,
he said, In gentle. soothing voice, which
only the man who has something to sell
can successfully assume 81 have here
an article Of soap who'll.
"Don't want any SOAP" she replied,
fatty.
"But your younger brother there must
get q great many grease-spots on his
clothes. Now, II you would provide some
of that soap
"When You allude to my younger
brother, I suppose you mean that boy
who is standing over by the fences"
'sCertainly."
SWELL, be isn't my younger brother.
He's my son, and. what's more, he's
the youngest Of four. and what's more
than that. read the papers, and II you
think yhu can astter me by pretending
that / look youthful. you're wrong. don't
need any soap, and my times precious.
Detroit Free Press.