The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1896-03-18
How Ben Purtle got his Wife.

The very climax of ugliness was Ben
Purtle. He was red haired, and every
hair stood as if it cherished the most
supreme contempt for its next neigh
Dor. His face was freckled as the
most bespotted turkey egg his nose
supported at the bridge a huge bump,
while the end turned ~viciously to one
side. His form was as uncouth as
his face was ugly; still, what was very
strange, he had a most handsome,
bouncing, blooming wife, such as only
can be grown on a country farm. Glow
the deuce" said I to Ben q day,
"did you ever get such a wife-you
uncouth, misshapen, quintessence of
monstrosity 2" Ben was not at all
offended at the impudence Of my
question, and forthwith proceeded
thus to solve the mystery:
"No gals, what's sensible, amt
cotched by your highfalutin airs and
quality dressin' and cologne. You
know that Kate was always called the
prettiest girl in these parts, good-tem-
pered, too, and all the fellows tried to
catch her. I used to go over to Uncle
Sammy's just to look on, you know,
and cast sleeps eyes at Kate, but
lord sakes! I had no more idea that
I could get Kate than a Jerusalem
cricket could hide in the hair on old
Sammy's bald head. I couldn't help.
signing, and my ears would burn, and
nv heart kind O. futter whenever l
would talk to Kate. One day, when
Kate sort O. made fun of me like, it
almost killed me, sure. I went home
with something like a rock jostling
around in my breast, and cen q most
thought I'd hang myself with the first
pillow line I found"
"Did you hang yourself p l asked.
emo Daddy blazed off at me for
not taking old Ball to pasture in the
morning and scared me so bad that l
forgot all about it"
eco on" said /, seeing Ben pause
with apparent regret that he had not
executed his VOW.
"Well one Sunday morning, [ reck-
on, about a year after the hanging
scrape, I got up and scraped my face
with daddy's razor, and put on my
new linsey coat and copperas britches
nanny had dyed with sassafras bark
and filings, and went over to Uncle
Sammy's. Now I'd got to loving
Kate by this time like all creation.
but I'd never told anybody about my
feelings. Well, when l got there, l
found Joe Sharp and his two sisters
was there, and that the order af the
day was to go a muscadine hunting.
Joe Sharp was flying around-"Miss
Kate this" and "Miss Kate 'toEher.'
By and by we came to a nasty black
muddy slough that we had to cross on
a log, and nothing would do but that
Joe Sharp should lead Miss Kate across.
They got about half way when in
went a tarnation big bull frog, and in
went Miss Kate to the waist in the
nasty, black, muddy slough. Joe ran
backward and forward on the log,
following for a pole to help her out.
I was in there, and had her out in less
than no time. Joe Sharp came up and
says, "Miss Kate, are you hurt 2
My dander was up, and I would not
stand it. I just caught him by the
seat of his white trousers andl the
back of his coat collar and gave him a
toss. Maybe he didn't go clear under
when he struck the water. I didn't
wait to see him out. Me and Kate
struck right for the house. By and
by Kate says: "Ben, just let me
hold on to your arm; my knees feel
sort O. weak" I made q tremendous
effort to say something nice, but con-
found the luck, L couldn't get my
mouth off, no how. But Z felt as strong
as an elephant, and helped Kate along.
By and by Kate says: "Ben,- that
Joe Sharp is a good for nothing,
sneaking, cowardly nobody, and if he
puts his head inside our house again,
I'll souse him with dirty water, sure
I made another tremendous effort to
get my mouth off, but nothing could |
say. By and by Kate says: "Ben, j!
feel that you are my protector, and
believe daddy about right when he
says you are worth all the boys in the
neighborhood." made another tire
mendous effort TO get my mouth of,
and it popped sure enough-said 1,
"Kate, if you are going to have me,
just say so, right straight up and
down." Kate didn't say anything,
but hung down her head and kinder
sighed. I felt encouraged ; said l,
"Kate, if you are going to have me
just squeeze my hand" and she squoze
it, right straight. Great geemeny,
how I did feel. Ifelt like stream
of warm sassafras tea, sweetened with
molasses, was running through my
bones. I cotched her right around
the neck and kissed her square on the
mouth, and she never tried the first
time to get loose. :.
cold Sammy was mighty well
pleased about the thing, and so was
the old woman, and We got married the
nayt fall after the muscsdine scrape.'