Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1896-03-15

had taken into its mead 10 make an up
ward jump. 1t began TO get very com
fortable-that Is, the car not the Their
mometer. Despite the polse Of the
conductor on my feet, and the dangling
OF my fellow-passengers on the neigh
boring straps, l felt good. BY and by,
however | noticed that the thermometer
was Still rising Warm ZephyrS were
waited i'm the crevasses OF my clothing.
Despite the fact that the streets were
sirded with ice. ] predicted TO myself
an early spring. And the thermometer
kept on rising. Hot blasts OF air were
puffed up my pants, as though from
Plutonian bellows. The Thermometer
mean while continued to exercise its
mathematical ambitions. unbuttoned
my coat and vest, while refreshing
thoughts of ice-water and cool butter
milk dripped through my heated brain.
Everybody else seemed cold; but
I was in midsummer. The Their
mometer, however was with me-
"Excelsiorr' was its motto. by and
by, IL struck me we were passing over
the crater of subterranean volcano, ana
I momentar!ly expected an eruption In
my Immediate vicinity My seat began
10 get warm, and its brow became heated.
I likewise concurred with the seat In
getting heated. Thoughts of spontane-
Gus combustion occurred TO me. Then
I imagined / had taken a seat on stove.
but a surreptitious examination con-
WINGED me that my part OF the car was
like all the rest. The Thermometer
mean while had not lost a moment In
skipping by the boiling-point. and was
still on a Jump. Things began to grow
too hot for me Wildly thrusting the
conductor of my feet / made plunge
for liberty, and urled myself into the
icy street. The thermometer Immediate
ly fell 9S degrees. Chills ran through
my system like frozen, fine-toothed
combs. Just then man who alighted
from the ear simultaneously with my
transit therefrom seized me by my re-
treating coat-tails and said, How do
Won like the Electrician Heater In
a moment l understood the rise In the
thermometer The heater was under my
seat
Yesterday was the unhapplest period OF
my life. ] expected that every minute
would be my last. They told me That
comet was going to strike this earth
Perrine's comet, / believe-and that some
body was mighty apt to get hurt IN the
shuttle. 1 am not cowafdly man. anu
on some occasions I've even inundated
the mother OF her who shares my no
thing. but the thought OF coming into
contact with another would-especially In
such a forcble way-made me sniver III
my nelghbor's borrowed boots. For the
last fortnight or so I've been watching
the progress of this comet and often when
u got I'm about daybreak ] explained tins
fact 10 the gowned individual who bel
ligerently awaited my &C ent at the TIRES
hold. On Friday, when | saw from the
papers that the dreaded object OF nay
fears was already within lS0O0O,OO0 miles
of the sun, and within 2l4,000,0O0 miles or
the earth, was In culver of apprehen-
n mXgelf
for all emergencies. Loving friends tried
10 comfort me by stating that the big
thing would strike Ashland fret, but /
refused TO be comforted. Somehow felt
nav. almost knew-that when the comet
rolled up against us / would be about
the FIRST victim 10 set mashed.
And so I did what / could to prepare
myself. Late Friday night l got shave.
and early yesterday morning l was seen
encased In a clean shirt-that is TO say, In
a clean shirt and the other habiliments
that accompany shirts. Meanwhile my
will Ad been prepared, though 10 tell the
truth, my will cuts but little ice in our
household There Is another will In our
dom.cile that prevails. and unlike the or
binary testament, II Is irrevocable. In my
/. will left kind words for pretty much
everybody I knew, and to my heirs l left
the earth. My various requests and de-
vises smacked OF philanthropy from be-
ginning 20 end.
My Barton Heights property. which has
given me q thoroughly practical know
ledge Of negotiable notes. was devised. In
trust 10 ths Press Club. and / expressed
the hope that Lawyer Dick Frayser
would serve as trustee. My tooth-brushes.
linens, socks. razors. and hair-oils were
beQueathed to dear friend, whose re-
cent financial reverses have reduced his
wardrobe TO q degree OF simplicity which
would be the envy OF Fiji Islander.
Thus i was thoroughly heeled from the
catastrophe. but the comet evidently
changed its mind. IL never touched me.
In this connection I wish some one
\ would tell me the history OF this Mr..
Perrine. who owns the comet. The news
papers have repeatedly alluded TO "Per-
rins's comet" but they have had very
little 10 say about Perrine himself. Often
at home I've heard about Perrin's kid
gloves. but don't know whether or not
this IL the same party. He's certainly got
big thing on HIS hands. bu: jJst where
he got IL. where he keeps II. or What he's
going 70 DO with Il Is more than ! can
see. Sometimes az banquets I've felt
that I owned the earth but l never had
any desire 10 be the possessor CT rlanet.
] shall gratefully msafion Our d4live.ance
from the comet 10 my SinGay-school
class this morning,
Justice crutchheid on Tuesday handed
In NJ.