davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
A Mistake Somewhere.


"I'm looking for a man named
JONES'" he said, as the door was
opened to him by a woman almost
six feet high and weighing near 200
pounds.
Soy Jones 7" she queried.
eyes, I think that is tie name,
I'm a wiretapper, and have come
to give him warning"
"What's Cy Jones been doing ?"
Clicking his wife, and he's got to
stop it, or we'll take him out and
switch him.
"Did you ever see Cy Jones ?"
asked the woman, as she drew her.
self up.
"Not that I know OF.
She went back to the sitting room,
was gone a moment, and when she
returned she was carrying a man
about four feet ten inches long under
her arm. She gave him a twist and
put him on his feet and said:
"This is Cy Jones -
"Your-your husband ~ stammer-
ed the white-capper.
"The same, and I am Cy Jones
wife I"
"Great Scott! There must be a
mistake i.ese, madsm!"
ayes, think So" she dryly re-
piled, as she tossed the little man in
her arms.
'Sorry to have disturbed you,
madam, but you see
eyes, see, and I'll help you
over the fence"
And placing the little man care
fully on his feet she picked up the
caller and tossed him over the gate
and went back to her work in the
kltchen.-New York World.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
The Smart Little Boy.

Teacber-Now, dear children as
you have been good to-day, III give
you a copundrum to answer. 1t is
said:
"When we are young we want to
have it, and when we have got it We
no longer have use for it,"
Tommy know what it is.
Teacher-What is it Tommy
Tommy-It is q wife.
Teacher-Who told you that was
the answer
Tommy heard my father say
so.
TIE a ch er (thoughtfully)-Tbat
answer is not so far out of the way,
after all but the answer / meant was
"maturity." When we are young
we went to be older, and when we
have attained age we no longer want
it /; but, as your father remarked,
Tommy, it is the same with wife.
The class is dismissed. -Philadel-
phia Post.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
Food for Thought
FOLLY Is soon learned.

Folly is soon learned.
Selfshness is self-destruction.
Get your experience first hand.
A burnt child breads whipping.
Method will teach you to win
time.
1t is easy to make failure of
success.
Stubborn sudacity is the last ref
uge Of guilt.
Good manners are made up of
pretty sacrifices.
We can only do our best when
We are right.
If we could see better the world
would be better.
Who dare not speak his free
thoughts is slave.
Borrowing is the canker and death
of every mans estate.
An investment in knowledge al
ways pays the best interest.
An enemy treated as friend will
soon become friend.
The value OF the diamond is rot
what it does, but what it is.
Putting out the eyes cannot blind
the man who has seeing soul.
The religion that bears no cross
is not the religion of Christ.
Wherever good man lives the
devil has to fight for all he gets.
It is not the clock that strikes the
loudest that keeps the best time.
They are never alone that are ac-
companied with noble thoughts.
The girl who runs away to get
married will very likely walk home.
There is no opposing brutal force
to the stratagems of human reason.
The people have SO many COM
plants that every new medicine
does we'll.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
He Was Conscientious.

There was an anxious, doubtful
look on the young fellows face, as
he paced up and down the aisle in a
Broadway cable car the other even
ing. There were half dozen seats,
yet the young man took no notice
of them, and continued his restless
pacing to and fro.
"Seats in front, plenty of Them"
said the conductor, brusquely.
The young man continued his pa.
troll.
A benevolent old gentleman pull
ed him by the coat and said :
"Here's seat, sir" The young man
shook his head.
a newcomer entered the car, and,
being an altogether officious person,
pointed to the vacant seats. The
young man still walked.
"hello, Henry.!' exclaimed dap
per young fellow, an acquaintance of
the paripathetic, who just then
bounced into the car. "Why don't
you sit down? What in the world
makes you walk up and down like
that p
conscientious scruples," said the
young pedestrian. "You see, prom
lsed her that I would walk down to
the florist and get some roses for
her I would much have preferred
to ride, you know. It's hot and
dusty, and so I'm. compromising
with myself by walking and riding
at the same time"
He turned on his heel and passed
up the car.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
The Witness Remembered.

An exchange prints a story Of a
lawyer, famous for his sharpness,
who once met his match in very
unexpected quarter.
An old woman was being ques-
toned by him as to how the testator
looked VIXEN he made q remark to
her about some relatives.
"Now, how can rememberY He's
been dead two years. she replied,
testify.
as your memory SO poor that you
can't remember two years back 2"
questioned the lawyer.
The old woman was silent, and
the lawyer asked, did he look any,
thing like me?''
"Seems TO me he did have the
same sort of vacant look" respond
ed the witness, and the lawyer had
no further questions.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

There is certain well-known bush
ness man, the head of one of our big
trust companies, says the Boston
Record, who is passionately fond of
riding and driving, and equally ao-
horrent of bicycling. He is scrupu-
lousy observant of the rules of the
road, and nothing disturbs his equa.
nimity more than the way in which
wheelman often persist in turning to
the left instead of to the right when
meeting carriage. They have
peculiarly exasperating trick of "cut-
ting in" next the curb when only
small space interyenes. Well, be
was out driving with his daughter
the other evening, and the bicycles
kept constantly darting in between
the carriage and the curb.
The hater Of cyclists stood it as
patiently as possible for some time,
but at last his stock of Jobs virtue
ran out, and he declared to his
daughter that the next time a wheel
man attempted the trick he would
make him sorry for it. The desired
opportunity was not long in coming
and the next eyclist who assumed to
defy the rules of the road met with
a mishap. AS he attempted to turn
in next the curb the man in the car
rage turned his horse in quickly,
ran into the man on the wheel, tip
ped him over, bruised his nose and
shook him up pretty generally, be.
sides demolishing the wheel into a
tolerably thorough wreck.
"Now, - you, you won't try
that again - shouted the man in the
carriage in ghoulish glee. Then, as
the victim slowly picked himself up
and the dust settled SO as to clear
the atmosphere, he was recognized.
Horrors Rev. Leighton Parks
And his chastiser was one Of his
most prominent parishioners.
"Good evening, Mr.. Parks" ex-
claimed the latter, lifting his hat po-
litely-
The story ends here, but it seems
Mr.. Parks ought at least to get a
new wheel out of the episode.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
Newsusaners Endorse.

Educators are certainly the great
est benefactors of the race, and after
reading DR.. Franklin Miles popular
works, cannot help declaring him to
be among the most entertaining and
educating authors. "--NeaO York
Daily. He is not stranger to our
readers, as his advertisements appear
in our columns in every issue, calling
attention to the fact that his elegant
work on Nervous and Heart Dis
eases is distributed free by our en-
terprising druggist A. M. Gilbert.
Trial bottles of DR.. Miles Nervine
are given away, also Book of Testi-
monials showing that it is unequalled
for Nervous Prostitution, Headache,
Poor Memory, Dizziness, Sleepless-
ness, Neuralgia, Hysterie, Fits, Epi-
lepsy.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
A Montana Bear Story.

Montana is geological garden
in its native stste," said Colonel
Jim Struthers to Washington Star
man recently at the Arlington. awe
have all kinds of wild beasts. from
grizzly bears and prairie dogs down.
Speaking of bears, reminds me of
once upon time. 1t was before
the State got polluted by the troll
ley, and when it wasn't good form
to wear a collar. 1t was before Mon
tana got to be the greatest State in
the Union. l was prospecting away
in the Bull Mountains. I hadn't
seen any dirt that looked as though
it had the right ring to it. The sun
was turning in, and the shadows
were out of the east. | took the
pack of one of my horses, pieketed
the animals, and made q supper off
uOL CDuco anu UAcUu anu DIedui
Then coiled up in blanket and
knew no more.
"The night must have been half
spent, when l began to dream that l
was washing my face in one of the
geysers of the Yellowstone. The
sensation became so realistic that /
awoke. A hot breath was breathing
on my viFage. and Il strange tongue
was swabbiDg me down. / was sort
of dazed with fear, ard remained
perfectly still. Presently the licking
process ceased, and the hot breath
was Withdrawn. A big, dark, awk-
ward something shambled off, and I
sank TO rest once more. When day
came, l found that my provision box
had been raided, and the soft earth
around rue was full of bear tracks. l
shivered little bit, and moved on"
The colonel told this as though he
really wanted 70 be believed, and the
reporter left.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
He Had . Bear.

When we reached Summit station
Tie train switched in to wait for the
east bound express, and after dinner
the conductor gave out that we had
two hours to wait. The passengers
we're strolling about when a man
mounted box and began
'I4sdies and gentlemen-A few
rods down below | hev q grizzly
bar as captive. / am now about to
feed him. All of you hev heard of
the savage ferocity of the grizzly,
and how he kin never be demosti-
Gated. Kindness is throwed away
on grizzly, and as fur bullets, he
rayther enjoys bein' shot,"
He OF course attracted every
body's attention, and when sur
rounded he went on -
"a grizzly bar is allus hungry,
but about this hour in the day he's
hungry and savage to boot. Pm of.
FERN you the chance of lifetime to
see him in his most ferocIous state,
but 1t will cost you a quarter head
to see the show. Thar will be whis-
key on hand fur anybody with cold
chills, and sich as faint away will be
brung back yere on litter"
OF course we all went down. He
had a rocky gorge fenced in, and in
the center of the gorge was a pole
about twenty feet high, to which a
cub cinnamon was chained. He was
not only not grizzly, but the frow-
siest, scrawniest looking bear ever
put on exhibition. Several men be-
gan to murmur about the species of
the bear and the man rose up to ex-
plain -
did l say grizzly barr Wall, it
was to gin you an agreeable surprise.
The cinnamon bar drinks q gallon
Of blood wharf the grizzly drinks a
pint. He's got the ferocity of the
lion and the tiger rolled into one.
Behold his savage speerit as he
smells this fresh meath
The young bear simply sat up and
cooked his ears. The man had about
q pound of beefsteak, and this he
threw to him and explained -
Now watch himl See his eyes
blsze with fiendish- ferocity, his
claws work and his fangs stand out
amidst the froth |"
All the cub did was to reach out
fer the meat and bolt it down and
lick his chops for more.
is that all ?" asked one of the
kiekers.
THAT is all, ladies and gentleman.
1t costs you a quarter head to
come in, but you get out for nuthin'.
The show is now over.'
"But it's a blame swindle /"
"A swindle Great God, but
hear the man talk ! You have seen
the most ferocious denizen of the
Rocky Mountains. You have seen
him seize his prey. You have l'arned
more about b 'ars in two minutes
than you ever knowed in all your
lives before, and yet am called
swindler ! Stand back, everybody
Five hours hence l release this
tiger of the mounnain from captivity
and if he che-aws up men, fe-asts on
wimin, and sucks the blood of in
nercent children don't blame me-
don't say l didn't gin ye yer moneys
wuthW
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

Envy is q robber. Where God
puts US he will defend us.
The faith that moves mountains
stands on Gods hand to lift.
Prayer is not prayer until it be-
comes communion with God.
The Christian may lose bis gold
but he can never lose bis God.
God will give US all the truth We
will love and live.
Many man worships an idol with
an open Bible in his lap.
The devil and whiskey are two of
the best friends in this world.
The devil hurts US most when he
smites US through those we love.
When God puts a good man in the
dark it is to give somebody light.
When the mountains are cast into
the sea, Gods hand is under them.
Job sinned not with his tongue be-
cause there was no sin in his heart.
A man must be born from above
to know for himself that God isabove
all else.
II church membership alone could
save, heaven would be full of hypo-
critics.
There are people in every commu-
nifty who want to be religious with
out Christ.
When Jobs wife told him to curse
God and die, it hurt him more than
all his boils.
Every man has religion of some
kind, but only those who know
Christ are Christians.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
Why is Et.

if catarrh is blood disease, as some
claim, that physicians frequently adj
wise change of air and climate to
those suffering? Catarrh is q eli
matte affection, and Pathing but a
local remedy or G! sc of climate
will cure it. Ely's Cream Balm lie SO
efficient as to do away with the
necessity OF leaving home and
friends, causing instant relief and is
a real cure of catarrh.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
What is
| '9z;{'7|Slii|1|L5a'!|||

Cascria is DIR. Samuel Pitchers prescription for Infants
and Children. contains neither Opum Morpnn nor
other Narcotic substance. 1t is harmless substitute
for Paregorc, Drops Soothing Syraps and Castor Oh
1t Ia Pleasant Its guarantee thirty years. by
Millions of Mothers Castora destroys Worms and allays
feyerishness Castoria prevents vomiting Sour Curds
cures Diarrhoea and Wind Collie. Castoria relieves
seethng troubles, constipation and fatulency
Castoria assimates the food regulates the stomach
and bowels, giving healthy and natural Sleep CaSs
toria is the Children's Panaceathe Mothers Friend.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

Tired people are tired because
they have exhausted their strength.
The only way for them to get strong
is to eat proper food.
But eating is not all. Strength
comes from food, after digestion.
Digestion is made easy with Shaker
Digestive Cordial.
People who get too tired, die. Life
is strength. Food is the maker of
strength. Food is not food until it
is digested.
Tired, pale, thin, exhausted, sick
sufferers from indigestion, can be
cured by the useof Shaker Digestive
Cordial.
It will revive their spent energies,
refresh and invigorate them, create
aew courage, endurance and strength,
sll by helping their stomachs to di-
gest their food.
1t aids nature, and this is the best
Of it. 1t gives immediate relief and
wit h perseverance, permanently
cures,
Sold by druggists. Trial bottle
10 cents.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
la Grippe.

During the prevalence Of the
Grippe the past season, it was no
ticeable fact that those who depend
ed upon DR.. Kings New Discovery,
not only had speedy recovery, but
escaped all the troublesome after eff
fects of the malady. This remedy
seems to have a peculiar power in
effecting rapid cures not only in cas-
es of La Grippe, but in all diseases
of Throat, Chest and Lungs and has
cured cases of Asthma and Hay Fee
yer of long standing. Try it end be
convinced. 1t won't dissppoipt.
Trial bottles free at L. G. Matthaei's.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

Do not experiment in SO impor-
tant mstter as your health. Purify,
enrich and yitalize your blood with
Hood 8 Ssrsaparilla and thus keep
yourself strong and healthy.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
New Parson lat Deadgulch Cha

New Parson Cat Deadgulch Chap
eD-Brethren, let us pray.
Head Deacon (in a hoarse wills
per)-Hold on there, pard. Take
that back am say yer'll do the pray
in yerself. Some o. these duckskin
pray, an some Nv 'em can't pray, ans
the can'ts Il git jealous an shoot
the lights out.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

Friend-What made you leave
Harlem
Suburbanite-A young lady who
was learning to play a piano
Puck.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

II want something nice in oil for
dining room.v
eyes, madam. A landscape or a
box of sardines. u
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

Cumso-Id like to see photo
graph of a cloud made with catho-
die ray.
Cawker-Why?
Cumso-I'm suspicious about the
silver lining.-Detroit Free Press.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

Don't stukely's legs in his new
golf stockings look like sausages?"
"That accounts for it,"
"Accounts for what p
"Those terriers | saw hanging to
his calves as he rode down the street
this morning."-Clevelard Plain
Dealer.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

HOOPS PILLS are the best after
dinner pill assist digestion. cure
headache. % cents.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
Exceptions.
Doctors who agree.
A lWaVs wise PARENTS.

Doctors who agree.
Always wise parents.
Lovers who never quarrel.
A great character fawless.
Genius without opportunity.
Sense that attracts as soon as
beauty.
The tattling tongue that tells the
truth.
The road to success that is not
steep.
The occasion when it is better to
be rich than honest.
A failure when some one did not
say I told you SO.
The time when justice finds no diff
ficulty in adjusting the scales.
A selfish person who gives away
the biggest share of the best.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
pog DYSPEPSIA,

Glow did you break your little
girl from crying 7"
Easily enough. / told her it was
MT manly.'-Truth.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

tn EEsTis what the People
buy the most Of. That's WHY
Hoods Sarsaparilla has the largest
sale OF ALI MEDICINES.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
WANTED AN IDEA y Wh aoS Gsn s think
thing to patent2 Protect your ideas they may
bring you wealth. Write JOHN WEDDER-
BURN 81 CO., Patent Attorneys, Washington,
d. O., for their 81 800 prize offer.

Happy and content is home with ''The Ro-
CHESTER a lamp with the light of themorning.
Catalogues,write Rochester, ampCo O., NewYork.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
CastOria.

sCSstoria is sowell adapted to children that
recommend it assuperior toany prescription
known to me-"
Il. A. ARCHER, II. D..
III So Oxford ST., Brooklyn, N. z.
sour physicians in the children's depart
inent have spoken highly of their expert
ence in their outside practice with Castoria,
and although we only have among our
medical supplies what is known as regular
products, yet we are free to confess that the
merits CT rastoTia has won look with
favor upon it,
UNITED HOSPITAL AID DIsPENsARY,
Boston. Mass
ALLEN c. Saith, Pres.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
Castoria.

aCassoria is an excellent medicine for chill
dren. Mothers have repeatedly told me of its
good effect upon tkeir Children
DR.. G. C. OsGoop,
Toprall Mass
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

pE ELY's so cRE ann C0LD% HEAD
cleanses the Nasal Passages. A.
lays pain and Inflammation, Heals the
Sores, Protects the membrane from Colds,
Restores the Sense OF Taste and Smell.
The Balm is quickly absorbed and gives
relief at once. Price 30 cents at Druggists
or by mail.
ELY BROTHERS, SO Warren street,N y.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

The street car gave a sudden
lurch in rounding a curve, and the
charming young girl who was cling
ing to strap nearly sat down in the
lap of the man who was sitting in
the corner.
II beg your pardon sir," she ex-
claimed hastily.
"Not at all miss he replied en-
couragingly. CRY it again. I don't
mind it at all.n-Texas Sitter.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
BuckIen's Arnica Sa.ve.

The BEST SALvE in the world for cuts,
bruises. sores, ulcer, salt rheum, fever
sores, letter, chapped hands, Chiiblains
congestion, eruptions, and it positively
cures piles or no pay required. II is guar
anteed to give satisfaction or money re
funded. Price % cents per box, at l.. G..
Matthaei's drug store.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

Visitor to museum-I don't see
anything curious about that What
is it 7"
Manager enthusiastically )-That,
my dear sir, is the gem of our col
lection ! 1t is an apple core given
away BY the Presidential candidate
when he was boy.-Buffalo Times.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05
DIRECTIONS
for using
CREAM ia l. NJ

49,
Apply a particle
OF the Balm up in
to the nostrils.
After a moment
d ra W stro n &
breath through
{ b g nose. Use
three times a day,
after meals pre-
TERED, and before
retiring.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

"Castoria Is the lest remedy for children q
which am acquainted. I hope the day is not
far distant when mothers willconsider the real
interest of their children, and use Castoria in
stead of the various quack nostruIns which are
destroying their loved ones, by forcing opium,
morphine, soothing syrup and other hurtful
agents down their throats, thereby sending
them to premature graves"
On. J. F. KNcHELoE,
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

Miss Fright-"Now, then, l want
you to make this picture of me just
as pretty and stylish as you know
how
Photographer (absentmindedly)-
"Certainly, madam. Did you bring
a veil ?'-Somerville Journal.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-09-05

The Contain Company a Murray Street, New York City.
San Antonio daily light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1886-1907, 1896-06-01
BABY IN A JUDGES CHAT

District Court Magistrate Gracefully
Yields His Place to q Tot of Four.
For the first time in the history of
was occupied during trial here a few
days ago by four-year-old child, the
daughter of Cora Espey, of this place.
The case in question was that of Cora
Espey VS.. Mr.. and Mrs. Edward Dull.
The defendants claim that the plaintiff
recently turned over her child Frances
to their care and finally permitted them
to virtually adopt it, although formal
papers were never actually filed.
The mother, on the other hand,
charges the Dulls with permitting the
little one to associate with disreputable
persons and generally neglecting it.
On their refusal to return her daughter
to her she finally applied for writ of
habeas corpus. Frances was not much
interested in the proceedings, and, after
wandering aimlessly about the court
room for some time, seized the oppor-
tunity when the judge had left his seat
for moment to climb into it herself.
On the magistrates return the young
lady vociferously declined to yield pos
session, roundly abused him for his lack
of gallantry in making such request
and screamed for the sheriff, with
whom she has been on excellent terms
since the opening of the case, to fly to
her protection.
When the court saw how matters
stood he yielded gracefully. The bailiff
brought another chair, which the judge
was graciously permitted to occupy,
and the hearing went forward, with
both judges on the bench, for over half
an hour. At the end of that time Miss
Frances wearied of her elevated posi-
ton, slid quietly from her seat and per-
mitted the rightful owner to resume
possession.