Martinsburg herald. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1881-1920, 1896-12-12
LOSING HIS GRIP.
Alkali Ike Explains why Colonel Polk Ii
Not Up to Old Form.

Not Up to Old Form.
Colonel Handy Polk, the real estate
agent, is the most enterprising man in
this community, is he not?" inquired
the credulous tourist.
"Waal, :" replied Alkali Ike, promi-
nent citizen, cautiously, mot to draw
no comparisons, I'll say he's middlin
enterprisin, or rather used to be, for he
pears to be sorter losin his grip the last
few years. "
IF that is the case, returned the
tourist, II wish might have the pleas
ure of seeing him at his best, for, from
his present methods, should not call
him at all conservative. His mode of
procedure in the recent attempt to-er
--ah--transplant the county seat was
little less, it seems to me, than Napole-
onic."
The operation in question was prose-
cuted by gang of radical citizens who,
having failed to bring about the re.
moval of the county seat from Rocket
City to their own bailiwick by means
of the ballot, proceeded at the dead
hour of night to the rival hamlet, and,
headed by Colonel Polk, pried off the
side of the courthouse, dragged out the
) safe containing the county records, load
ed the same into jackson wagon, to
which were attached six half wild mules
with unshorn tails, and set out across
the scenery for home as the crow flies.
1t is probable that the attempt would
have been crowned with success had not
the embezzlers of the seat of govern
ment presently begun to debate upon
the vexing question of who should fill
the various offices thus suddenly made
vacant The cavalcade first hesitated
and then stopped. and the members
thereof said unto each other, "Yea,
yea!' and NAY. nayt' and other things
not to be recorded here. While they
were thus energetically engaged the
men of Rocket City, who were them
selves early birds upon whom there
were no flies, came careerinR through
the cash in the atmosphere which had
not yet closed up behind the colonel
and his satellites and fell upon them
with ferocity and such other weapons as
were at hand, dispensing them to the
four winds, and dragged the county seat
back in triumph to Rocket City.
''For clean cut, unambiguous enter
prise commented the tourist, "that
attempt stands unique. SO far as my
knowledge extends.
Jaw, yes" acknowledged the vera
cious Isaac. "That was all right enough
an might have been called enterprise.
But old Handy hahn what he used tc
be. Age is beginnin to tell on him,
reckon He had to have help in this
operation, but few years ago he alwers
estimated himself able, single handed,
for anything an everything that turned
up. He believed in goin it alone an
baggin the undivided profits. When he
drops down yere, his entire stock III
trade consists of his nerve, a package
of ordinary SEWN needles an can OF
condensed milk without label. Thar
was no doctor yere then, an Handy rus
ties around an stirs up smallpox scare
that frightens everybody senseless an
then whirls in an vaecinates the whole
outfit of us with condensed milk at So
apiece, cash down. When it was ali
over, he had capital enough to go into
business, an we turned,in an elected him
mayor as mark of respect an admira.
ton for his enterprise. Truth.