davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27
No Humor For Him.

The train boy was passing along
with a stack Of comic literature. The
kindfaced gentleman looked interested
and the boy stopped, the Defroa Free
Press. says:
Haven't you anything except funny
literature >" he asked.
"Not this trip" was the answer.
Don't you like to laugh ~
Every much, indeed. But I'm
afraid my mind Is Of toO Practical a
turn TO develop what yOu might call
delicate responsiveness Of humor."
"You want facts 9"
"I'm afraid 80. When | was a young
man and went eourting the young lady
never ordered more diuner than I
could pay for; neither did she use the
palpable subterfuges to get me into the
vicinity Of an ice cream parlOr.
Although was not enjoying a large
income her father never threatened to
kick me down the front doorstep, nor
did he keep bulldog where he would be
likely TO bite me. Ny mother-in-law
Is most estimable lady, whose pres
enee in our household has always been
a JOY, and never in my life have ] been
obliged to get up in the night and
walk the floor with a crying baby.
These circumstances have had Il tend
"a
of humorists, thereby, no doubt,
materially lessening my appreciation Of
their efforts
The train boy looked at him plying
ly and said:
"No. There amt no Use o you're
tryin' to laugh. Wait till we get to
the next station and I'll get you a die
tionary and a pocket encyclopedia"
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27
As to Women.

A woman can keep some secrets.
You can find out what her bonnet cost
but not her age.
A woman never seems to know she's
done anything wonderful when she
has stepped backward of a street ear
and still lives.
A woman is almost divine in her ca
pacity for forgiveness-towards persons
of the other sex.
4 woman will stuff her fingers in her
ears when firecraeker goes off, and
face death with the utmost eomposure.
A woman is made i'll in no other
way so quickly as by wearing an un-
becoming gown.
A woman is hero by the mere fact
of her sex; fortunately for the rest of
he world, she doesn't usually know IL.
A woman IS capable of sublime sacri-
fees of selfin great matters, and OF SUI
preme selfshness in little ones.
A woman may have a catalogue OF
faults as long as milliner's bill, but,
bless her, she's the best thing on earth.
-.Ncr York Recorder.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27

madly in love with a young officer,
whom she had Afterwards Tilted, be-
cause he was not rich enough to keep
her in luxuries she felt she could not
live without, and how, at the last mo-
ment, she had given him up when the
wealthy captain sought her in marriage,
andss she had seemed very happy as
his wife. the gossips had made up their
young lieutenant, after all. Alas poor
Isabella, after three long years ofs trug-
Cling to forget, Bob's story had reused
all the slumbering pain she had suffer
ed in giving up love for wealth, and she
was filled with the most intense hatred
towards her rival, who had come into
the life and heart sine had left desolate
by her desertion. She had thought il
impossible that he should ever care for
any other woman in this world while
she lived, even though she must be as
one dead TO him, and now, in a mo-
ment of jealousy, she had betrayed her
secret to Lieutenant Brighton. The
thought was intolerable to her proud
spirit, but Bob, with chivalrous de-
sire TO show that the unspoken eonfi-
dence was sacred, quietly laid his hand
on hers for an instant, as he added
'"The old captain and his daughter
returned to America as soon as he was
able To travel, aud, as for Commander
Ried, he, like the rest of Us, settled
down to the humdrum ship life we all
were heartily tired of before the cruise
was over. / don't know where Ried
was ordered on home duty, but I'll
wager he is taking it easy somewhere,
for that's the way we all do when we
can, you know"
as that all ~ asked the group around
him eagerly, as he pushed back his
chair and arose to his feet. Mrs. Tray
iior, with an appealing look at him,
started TO ring for lights.
''Yes, and quite enough" he added
mentally, as he looked at the pale face
of his hostess.
"You knew Clayton Reid, " said Bob
softly, as Mrs. TraynOr paused mo-
ment before touching the bell.
"Yes, knew him" she replied, the
roses flying to her cheeks at Bob's look
offender sympathy, which told how
well he understood what she had hoped
to hide from everybody in her new life.
"Your secret is safe, my dear Lady
Isabella" said he, gently raising her
white hand to his lips. "lou can trust
to my honor that neither Clayton Ried
nor anyone else shall ever know from
me that our captains wife is not the
happiest, just as she is the most charm
ing woman in the world"
''You will tell me if you hear any
further news from him, will you not ~
pleaded Isabella in low voice, a. she
left the lieutenant 10 receive other
guests who were just arriving.
'Yes, surely" he replied, but he did
not keep his word, for in less than a
month from that time he received a
letter from Commander Reid, which
read:
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27
THE BEYOND.

Beyond the crimson and the gold,
Beyond all things both new and old;
Beyond The sunsets flashing light,
Beyond the stars that sparkle bright
Is natures power.
Beyond the false, beyond the true,
Beyond mans power 90 construc,
Beyond all hope and clean desire,
Beyond the music in the air.
Ring memory's bells.
Beyond all loss or sordid gain,
Beyond the turmoil and the pain,
Beyond lament and falling tears,
Beyond mistakes of misspent years.
Fate's moulding power.
Beyond the first, beyond the last,
Beyond the milestones of the past,
Beyond the old love. and the new,
Beyond the debts Time owes 10 you,
Is loves lament.
BeyoLd the ebbing OF the tide,
Beyond the oceans that divide;
Beyond the old love and the shore,
Beyond the log books written score,
Is safety's harbor.
Beyond all passion, pain and strife,
Beyond disorders that are rife,
Beyond the cypress and the pine,
Beyond the battles well fought line,
Is victory's banner.
Beyond all troubles and all ills,
Beyond the everlasting hills,
Beyond all want and keen regret,
Beyond the poor whom we forget
An angels whisper.
Beyond the peariy gates that shine,
Beyond the light that seems divine,
Beyond the tint that nature paints,
Beyond the passing of the saints,
Times revelation.
Rosfa1 Nytfricr
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27

For every quarter in mans pocket
there are dozen uses; and to use each
one in such a way as to derive the
greatest benefit is a question every one
must solve for himself. We believe,
however, that no better use could be
made Of one of these quarters than to
exchange it for a bottle of Chamber
lain's Collie, Cholera and Diarrhoea
Remedy, medicine that every family
should be provided with. For sale by
Benford's Pharmacy.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27
90 400 PURE
Mrs.A.E.Uh|.

NEW SPRING GOODS. New
est styles in all kinds OF
goods and lowest prices. A full
line of Cashmere and Scrges in all
qualities. Splendid assortment of
Black Wool, Worsted and Mohair
Dress in Brocaded and Novelty.
Styles, suited for dresses and skirts
A big stock Of newest styles of
Novelty Dress Goods, ranging in
price from II - cts to 81 a yard.
GREAT variety Of Silks and
~ Silk and Wool Plaids, DC, for
waists & dresses. Wash Goods for
desses and waists, including Swisses,
Lawns, Percales, Dimities, Crepes,
Moire, Chintzes, Cheviotte Prints,
Ginghams, Seersuckers, &c. Splend-
id values in Table Linens, Towels,
Napkins, Table Covers, Bed
Spreads, Portiers, Furniture Da-
mask Silk and Silkoline Draperies
and Cushions.
II AIDES Dress Skirts and Shirt
II Waists. Ladies' Spring Capes
in Velvet, SILK and Cloth. Ladies'
Night Dresses, Corset Covers, Skirts
and Chemise. A handsome assort
ment of New Lace Collars and
Dress Yokes. Infants Long and
Short Dresses, Long and Short
Goats and Sacks. Great variety of
Children's Null and Lace Caps and
Hats.
NEW Style Buttons, Silks, ,Gimps,
1 ' Ribbons, Laces, &C., for dress
trimmings. A large variety of
Cambria, swiss and Nansook En-
broidery in white and colors.
Linen Sheeting, Stamped Linen and
Embroidery 5 ilk. ! large assort-
ment Of Lace Curtains cheap.
Also Curtain Swiss and Scrim.
r ARGEST stock Of new Millin-
IL cry Goods. All the latest
styles. A large assortment of Lace
and Button Guaranteed Kid Gloves.
Fast Colored Stockings in Black
and colors for Ladies, Misses,
Children, Men and Boys. Best
dark, blue and light calicoes, 5 cts.
Wool and Cotton Carpet Chain.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27

"Alas, poor Lady Isabella," ," said the
lieutenant to himself as he finished the
commanders letter. at is really the
best thing that could happen to her, but
I'll he hanged if can be the one to
tell her." he added, as he carefully
folded and put the missive away,
knowing that to show it would only
add to the heartache and remorse of
one fair woman who surely suffered
enough for the mistake she made in be-
lieving anything can ever take the
place of love.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27
THE KELLEY CURE

l. special boon TO business men who, having
awaken to find the disease OF alcoholism fastened
upon them, rendering them unit 70 manage af-
fairs requiring clear BRAIN A four weeks
rnttrza aft traa ar IA
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27

The secret of happiness, "Keep your
liver right" Bnrdock Blood Bitters Ia
natures remedy for complaints Of the
liver or bowels
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27
PrTTsBuRd KELLEY INSTITUTE.


restores 70 them ali their powers. mental and
physical, destroys the abnormal appetite, and
fore they INDUCED I'm stimulants. This has been
done in more than 1900 cases treated here. and
among them some of your own neighbors. 20
whom we can refer With confidence as to the
absolute safety and efficiency of the Kelley Cure
The fullest and most searching investigation IL
invited. Send for pamphlet giving fun infounar
ton. q
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27

There Is street in Liverpool IN
which nearly every house Is occupied
by dentist.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27
Scientific American

IMPORTANT To ADVERTISERS.
The cream Of the country papers is found
IN Remington's Courty Seat Hsta Shrewd
advertisers avail themselves Of these lists .
copy of which can be had Of Remingpa
Bsos. uf New York d PttsbuY.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27

For your Protec-
tion
we positively state
that this remedy
does not contain
mercury or any
other injurious
drug.
The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1896-05-27
II WILL CURE

A particle is applied directly into the nos
triis and is agreeable. Price 80 cents Drug
gists or by mall
ELY BROTHERS, 80 Warren ST.. New York.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-10-08
FIy THAT Carries a Lantern.

One of the largest and most curious
of the many luminous or lamp-bearing
insects is the large lantern fly, species
of the FREELY, peculiar to central and
northern South America. The great
lantern is hardly as large as the common
dragon fly or "snake FEEDER" but like
that creature, it has lace-like wings and
an elongated abdomen. In Central
America, particularly in Costa Rica and
Panama, the Indians capture them by
thousands, using them as decorations
for their headdresses, saddles, etc. The
Frenchman, Renard, who visited Qua
temala in 1902, declared that the Indians
used the lantern flies and other luminous
insects much in the same manner that
we do torches and lanterns and that
by the light the insects give out they
were able to find their way through
dark woods and swamps.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-10-08
state OF Affairs in Italy.

With Italy the case is different. 1t is
a country on the verge of bankruptcy.
It's commerce and industry are para
lyzed; it's people taxed beyond the
limits of endurance; it's military pres
tige sadly impaired by the defeat of its
Abyssinian army. In spite of patriotic
appeals to the nation the continuance
of the war in Africa elected no enthusi-
astic response, and the government has
been compelled to make peace with
King Menelik of Abyssinia, who is to
receive heavy indemnity IN cash aud
a guarantee that Italy will not attenpt
to extend it's territorial possessions IN
the Red Sea coast. Humiliating as wes
the treaty, its insulting character was
further accentuated by the condition
that before it's ratification it should re-
ceive the sanction of the czar of Russia
That imperial parsonage, after some
delay, gave his consent, and the docu.
ment has just been signed in due form
by the representatives of Italy. Abys"
sinia and Russia. The ire of the upper
class Italians has been aroused by this
latest exhibition of Russian arrogance,
and they are quite in the humor of par
ticipating in war against the Musco-
vite empire, the success of which would
restore Italian prestige and perpetuate
for several generations the tottering
dynasty of the house of Savoy.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-10-08

at the close of his term became claim
agent in Washington, where he still
resides, entirely forgotten except by
the people of his own state. Secretary
Of War Endicott is forgotten, except by
his Massachusetts, friends. William
C. Whitney, secretary of the navy, is
man of millions, and hence has kept
himself before the people. Senator
Lamar, of Mississippi, secretary OF the
interior, was made an associate justice
of the supreme court, and died while
in that position. Postmaster General
Villas became secretary of the interior
to succeed Lamar, and Don M. Dickin-
son, of Michigan, became postmaster
general. Dickinson has kept in public
life, or in the public mind, by reason
of his attachment to Cleveland and his
fortunes. Villas secured an election to
the senate, and hence has not fallen
away from public view. But, as mat
ter of fact, the second election of Cleve-
land had much to do with keeping some
of his cabinet ministers before the
public.
Who can name the members of the
cabinet who were appointed by Pres
ident Harrison, in 1889? Think of 1t,
only seven years since they were APP
pointed, and only three years since they
went out of office; and how many OF the
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-10-08

quest, appointed commission, consist
ing of some of the most notorious Mo-
hammedan fanatics, and this commits
sion, in an incredibly short space of
time, filed a report eXonerating the
Turkish mob of civilians and soldiers.
An official note was then sent to the six
powers, which, in addition to the de-
cision of the commission, contained the
insinuation that the ambassadors had
misinformed their governments and
failed to give truthful version Of the
unfortunate affair. The half dozen
diplomats, thus officially stigmatized as
liars, at once commenced to exchange
notes with each other. and in this pleas
ing, but profitless, occupation they are
engaged at the present time. Meanwhile
the heads of the foreign offices at Berlin,
London, Vienna, Rome and Paris are
giving out hints about what is to be
done with the ''unspeakable Turk"
the latest rumor being that Germany
and Austria, with the consent of
France, will insist upon the abdication
of Sultan Abdul Hamid. Another report
Is to the effect that the young Turkish
element, which, although weak in num-
Der, is strong in influence, will request
the sheik-ul-Islam, the highest religious
officer of the Moslem realm. to por-
nounce the sultan insane and to declare
the throne vacant. Both these rumors
are interesting, but it is more than
doubtful that anything will come of
them
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-10-08

conflict decidedly dangerous. The Eng
fish press comments very freely on this
international aspect of the crisis, and
one journal, the ST. James Gazette, sug-
gests in sober earnest the formation of
new triple alliance, consisting of
Great Britain. the United States and
Italy. 1t believes that the American
people would regard with enthusiasm
the spectacle of the union jack and tho
stars and stripes floating side
by side in the Bosphorus to
back up the joint demand for
the rescue Of the oppressed Arme-
mans and the suppression of Moslem
tyranny. This sounds very well, of
course, but the American nation is not
in the humor of pulling England's
chestnuts out of the oriental furnace,
and the formation of a new "Dreibund,"
with the United States as a participant
is chimerical proposition. The Wash
ington government will continue to
protect it's interests in Turkey single
handed, and insist upon the recognition
of the rights of it's citizens, but i. il
not probable that 1t will take any part
in the political movements of any of the
European powers interested in the
final settlement of the so-callcd east
ern" question.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-10-08
THE GERMAN PRINCES.
They Have to Work Hard and Muse
Learn Many Things.

They Have to Work Hard and Muse
Learn Many Things.
If there ever was day when kings
and queens led peaceful and happy
life, that time seems to have gone by.
With the possible exception of Queen
Victoria, the potentates of Europe are
continually in hot water, and are kept
busy over matters that do not bother
ordinary mortals. Even in childhood,
royal people undergo unusual trials.
The German emperor is man of un-
firing activity, and his children are be-
ing reared like young Spartans. They
are graciously allowed to study and
play like children until they arrive ut
the age of nine, and then their training
begins in dire earnest.
From that time forward, they are
allowed but an hour and half day
out of their waking hours to them
selves; all the rest of the day is spent
in study and physical training. Even
in holiday time their tutors accom-
pany them to superintend their studies.
Here, for example, is an ordinary
days work for the crown prince and his
two brothers. In summer, the happy
dreams of childhood are disturbed at
six o'clock; in winter at seven. Break
fast, consisting of one cupful OF coffee
and roll, is served at 1880. From eight
until 9:30, they are hard at work at
lessons, to help the digestion of which
they are supplied with second install
ment of bread, with water tinged with
red wine.
Immediately afterward thy start on
their books again; but mental exer-
else is mixed with physical, md an hour
is spent in gymnastics and horse exer-
else, which lasts till 1913. Thereupon
they accompany to dinner their mill
tary and civil governors of the castle,
and, following this, they have brief
breathing time to themselves.
But the happy moments soon flee
away, and again they have to be at their
exercises-this time science and music
till six o'clock. Then supper is served,
and by eight o'clock they are all snug
in bed.
In sport and other manly exercises
they are proficient, and can ride MS well
without saddle as most people can
with. Their military education is also
pushed to the utmost, and, that they
should understand the principles of
war thoroughly, a miniature fortress
has been built for them of solid mason
ry. The walls are nine feet high, and
in the revolving towers the beleagured
have the opportunity of repelling hos
tilities by means of miniature Krupp
guns and all the latest implements OF
modern warfare.
A part of their education is also de-
voted to the gentler arts of peace. In
the royal garden each child has a plot
of ground, and each is his own gardener,
and is responsible to headquarters for
the maintenance of the said plot.
After a riding lesson, too, they are
not allowed to throw the reins of
the ponies to groom and then walk off.
Every prince has to take his pony to it's
stall, unsaddle it and put everything in
its proper place before leaving.-Golden
DAYS.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-10-08
The British Lion Is Excited.

The massacre of 5000 Armenians at
Constantinople the Turkish commission
attributes to the strange folly of a
band of Armenian revolutionjsts who,
armed with revolvers and dynamite
bombs, took possession of the Otto
man bank on the 27th of August, killed
the police officers on duty, and held the
buildings for some hours against the
Turkish soldiers. The participants in
this unique raid surrendered on coudi-
ton of their lives being spared, and were
sent out of the country. The infuria ted
soldiers, maddened by religious fanati-
cism, then began raid on the entire
Armenian population, and slaughtered
men, women and children, with the
sanction of the civil and military au-
thorities, until the foreign ambassadors
put an end to the carnival of blood by
dispatching an emphatic joint note TO
the sultan. A subsequent commun;ca-
ton led to the appointment of the Turk
ish whitewashing committee and the
porte's impertinent question to tine
powers: "What are you going to do
about it?" The only nation which has
done anything at all is Great Britain,
which has massed powerful fleet with
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-10-08

met. Can you guess the names of the
others? And yet, it is only IS years
since both of those cabinets were
formed. You will probably recall the
fact that Robert T. Lincoln, son of
Abraham Lincoln, was appointed secre-
tary of war by President Garfield, and
was retained in Arthur's cabinet. He
was minister to Great Britain during
Harrison's administration.
But, as test of the truth of the fact
that our leading men are soon forgot
ten, how many can to-day give the
names of the members of Cleveland's
cabinet, during his first administra-
ton? 1t was on or about March 6, 1885,
that the first Cleveland cabinet was APP
pointed. Can you name the great men
who stepped to the helm and aided
Cleveland in guiding the ship of state?
They were all men of superior ability.
Can it be possible that they have been
forgotten in so short space of time?
Thomas L. Bayard was secretary of
state. He went into private life and
would have remained there, but for the
second election of Cleveland, vixen he
was sent to succeed Lincoln astminis-
ter to Great Britain. He could never
again have gone to the senate. Dan
lei Manning was secretary of the treas
ury, and died while in ofsce, from over
work. His successor, Fairchild, went
into the obscurity of private life, and
has been entirely forgotten by the pub
lie. Senator Garland, of Arkansas, one
of the brilliant men of the south, be-
caina Clsveland's attorney general, and