Herald and news. [volume] (West Randolph, Vt.) 1878-1943, 1896-07-30
How He Kept House.

/ AAVN IL AACPt AAOuSCs
/ 1t had long been borne upon him thai
women took their homework much toe
seriously, and he often wasted upon his
wife considerable wise advice which she
received in chilling silence and with an
exasperating smile OF superior knowledge
1t occasionally struck him as supremely
ridiculous that she should complain OF
being tired. There might be some sense
in being tired II she had, like him, to stay
down town all day in hot office, sitting
in his shirt sleeves on hard chair, with
his feet on the table, and listening to a
dozen old bores talking politics.
But in nice cool house, with sofas and
rockers galore and no necessity for doing
any more than she wanted to, he saw no
reason for such extraordinary fatigue.
She had, he thought, too much ritual
ism in her methods. He knew from GER
tain melancholy experiences that there
were washing days, ironing days, sweep
ing days, busting days, cooking days,
hopping days and bug-huDting days, not
to mention Sundays, and that these days
were observed with more fidelity than the
devout christian bestows upon the eccle-
siastical calendar.
The time to kill bug-bears, it seemed to
him, was when they were around; conse-
qnently, he shouldn't 60 buffalo hunting
III oCdoOA anu Oub Vi oChsOu Luc way Sic
did. Sweeping and busting days should
be semi-annual festivals, and the washing
and ironing should be postponed until the
entire family wardrobe reposed in the
clothes basket, and another change OF raj
ment suggested the ACCESSIBILITY OF brief
retirement from the world.
AT length his wife was called away from
home for few weeks, and he was left 10
put his admirable theories into practice.
For time all went we'll enough, for the
house had been put in good order and was
well-stocked with provisions. But one
day he held the screen door open during
long confab with compressed yeast ped
dler, and shortly afterwards was greatly |
surprised to find the house full of flies.
After an Intellectual effort to drive them |
out again, he hit upon the novel scheme
Of FASTING piece OF ''tangle-foot" over
his bald spot and was happy then, until,
on going down town, he attempted to lift
his hat to an acquaintance and found that
It had apparently grown to his head. His
struggles were desperate, the sweat start
ID at every pore, and he came near scalp
ing himself before the cause of the trouble
1awned upon him.
In due course of time, the stock OF pro-
yisions gave out. and the gentleman de-
ermined to try his hand at water john
iy cake for supper. The shades OF even
ng were gathering before he had the fire
quilt, the ingredients discovered and his
AXE ready for the baking.
Hunger is great sauce, and his own
cooking tasted SO good to him that he
why his wife wasn't more in
he habit OF making water johnny cakes.
after eating heartily Of it, he put the rest
way for the mornings breakfast; but the
lext morning when he glanced at the
emnant, he grew white around the mouth
nd beat hasty retreat to the woodshed,
where his peculiar antics caused the cat to
we'll up to twice her usual size and dive
lnder the barn for shelter until the worst
vas over. 1t was very sultry weather, and
neal worms entered largely into the COM
osition of that water johnny cake.
Dirt and filth, under his regime, accum-
lated surprisingly and, naturally enough,
he house was alive with vermin; SO much
o indeed, that the theorist took to board
ng away from home, lest in the next stage
t his being he should develop into an
nt-eater.
Fina ly, he felt obliged either to send
Or his wife or set fire to the property, but
s the insurance would hardly cover the
Expense Of the fireworks, he decided to
telegraph.
Not knowing what might have hap
ened in her absence, the wife arrived In !
OF haste, only to receive her husbands |
primal abdication couched In the meek
smark that while he might perhaps know !
nough to vote, he felt convinced that he
ad no call whatever to enter higher 3
)here.