Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1896-05-02
ALkALI IKE AND HIS TOWN

That" observed Alkali Ike, with retro
| spective CLEAN in his eagle eye, ''sorter re-
| minds me of Arkansaw Cronks soup story,
| which causes SO much trouble we're in Haw
| Vile, some years ago."
The purport of the tourists remark which
drew forth the foregoing assertion from the
| Alkaline citizen is now forgotten by the
| chronicler. but the loss to waiting world
Is probably not a vital one, for 1t has never
yet required anything Of nature to cause
| reminiscent stream to gush forth from the
veracious Isaac.
Denver tell You about it, Mr.. Eastman?
Say I didn't? Much obliged! Wal, 1t was
| like this: Teller by the name of Arkansaw
| Cronk turns up yere with the story-plain,
| common yarn it looked like, an yet 1t turIl-
ed out to be the worst hoodoo that is re-
corded in Hawviie annals. One time
| lady elocutioniSt, with long, snaky fingers
an voice with ice down its back, makes
my hair rise like the tines of a pitchfork,
| recitia' a piece about a gent who was in
| the Ancient Mariner business, who gifts gay
| an shoots up varmint called an abby
| troos an tharby gifts hoodooed to a fare
| suthin' like the result Of KILN that thar
| albytross. only heap more SO. Tell you
| how it was:
| That was about four year. ago, in the
more free an heap less constructed than at
| present. 1t was jest after the days when
| the plague of Smiths ragged yere, an Cuck
| Cckleston first poked up his head in Haw-
vile history. an Har? Yes; that's so. First
| time heard it thinks to myself that Cuck
| uckleston Is pintadly the quaint est name
| ever porn in captivity, an I'm struck with
ane thought that airy uneducated old turkey
Sopbier could give me cards an spades an
| then beat me to death pronouncin' it,
| III wasn't particularly pretty name,
anyway you looked at it. but it served its in
| tended purpose first rate. You see when its
| owner first lit yere his name was Smith
| More than one gent has shed off one name
when ne tore out from the states an had an
! other all growed fast to him by the time he
got yere. but this Teller brought the same
| name we're with him that he wore in the
states,i reckon he hadn't done anything
| thar that he was ashamed of.
| Anyhow, his name was still Smith an
| When he got yere an looked around he found
| ne mad no cause for feelin' lonesome. Thar
| was smith hangfn' on every limb, so to
| SPEAK, IL peared like all the gents that had
| lett their names behind em in the sta ses
| when they tore out had picked up an put
on the name of Smith on their way out we're
| as sort of disguise.
| Thar was John Smiths an Rju Smiths N,
| Limpmy Smiths an Big Smiths an Stfpkin'
| Smitns, ring tailed, speckled an streaked
| Smlths-Smiths in the mornin', Smiths at
MONDAY, smiths in the middle Of the night,
| an Smiths world without end: Smiths
smiths everywhur, an not a drop to glrin,
~ gun was casually turned loose in a
| crowd from two to forty seven Smiths
Woula De picked UP with holes in EN- You
| Couldn't shoot Up the town an hit much of
| hSpody but Smiths. If trouble of any kind
! happened thar was alwers a Smith or sew
eral OF EN- in the middle of it, If devil
| fneht was done some Smith or other was
| pretty certain to be guilty. Nobody asked
Smith? " HIGH
Ihis yer complication of Smiths caused
| the REFORM committee a heap of trouble for
a spell; they were everIastin'ly pittin' their
| claws on the wrong Smith an stringin
MIN up, only to find out when it was too
iate that 1t wasn't that speshul Smith that
was wanted, but some other Smith An
then they would have to shake I'D an sft
out the whole blamed Smith tribe to find
me e one they needed in their business.
| III hnally got to be more than IT was
| worth to search out the guilty Smith am
SO the reformers held pow wow an the
| subcommittee on horse sense settled it
that tharafter no more time would be
wasted In tryin' to locate any particular
smith but when 1t was decided that some
| smith was guilty they'd simply make a
grab an operate on the first Smith that
happened to come handy. Life was too
| short an full of other business to be was.-
| ed In identifyin' Smith-a Smith was a
| smith an that was all you could make
| OF hlIn' so said the subcommittee on horse
| sense An IL shore went; that Is the rea-
| son why thar hain't never been more tina n
| a fair proportion Of Smiths we're since
some OF EN- reformed, some tore out
| straight up with the assistance Of a rope
| . Meanwhile. after this yere Smith that
I'm talking about had narrowly escaped
nelns iynched time or two for the Smith
| that looked like him, an had been tar an
| 1eathered once by mistake for a presidin'
| elder OF the same name, he decided that il
| would be right smart in him to change his
| brand Accordin', after havin' given the
| matter due consideration, he figgered out
an adopted the name Of Cuck Uckleston
| an after that he had no more trouble with
| mistakes of identity.
| "He-but, no! Whur was 1 at? The soup
story? Oh, yes; wal. it was this-a-way:
That thar man, ArkGnsaw Cronk turns
up yere, as l have said. with this little
story. He unpacks it an tells it for the
| first time one evenin' in the Blue Ruin
refreshment parlors. an nobody goes wild
| over 1t, one way or the other. It's good
| enough, but not too good. That night the
| Blue Ruin burns down.
| Next day he tells 1t some more. an still
| nobody notices anything speshul about it
Thar is KILN in the public square that
| day. He purSeedS thus for some weeks
tellin' his story impartialiy before anybody
| awakens to an understanding of the power
| an possibilities of the yarn.
| "One day he is ridin to funeral as one
of the pail bearers of a gent whose death
| 1t afterwards turns out he is responsible
| for, an he entertains his Teller pail bearers
with the soup story. Before he has hard
! ly got through, the hosseS-an' they had
| alWers been as sober an conservative as a
| span of circuit judges-hopped up an ran
| away, startin' three four other teams
! an raisin sech a hooraw as 1 never had
| the pleasure of witnessin' before nor since
/ at a funeral in all of woes appointed ways.
| Every last bugger Of the pail bearers was
/ broke up NOR less but Cronk, who
| wasn't even scraped. Wagons was smash
| ed, bosses .bunged up, people crippled, the
| coffin flung out an busted like ripe
| watermelon, a valuable hog an two or
! three tourists run over an ruined an so
/ forth.
| "A day or two later Mr.. Cronk got off his
soup story to a nice young man, an thar
! very night the nice young mans promised
| wife eloped a great plenty with corn doc
| tor. He told it to the Rev. Jack Cronks
! an the same day the parsons wife pre-
| ented him with few twins-presented the
| parson with twins, l mean. He started to
| favor the able editor of the Clarion with the
| story an was interrupted by the entrance
| of an irate subscriber, who whaled the
editor like pup an made him eat part Of
| the last issue of his valuable paper in
which the subscriber estimated that he had
| been stigmatized.
"Mr. Cronk whirled in an told his story
| to Lavender Pritchett, an before sunset
| Lavender's wife, whom he had sorter slid
| away from back in Indiana without leavin'
| any all behind, showed up wearn' a
| hump-backed Roman nose an had poor
| 7 nor 70 oh IIa IL q,