Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1896-04-04
IKE AND HIS TOWN

HcNHli iNc ANU HIS IOWN
Col. Handy Polk. the well-known real
estate agent and skin specialist. Is infat-
uated with the sound of his own mouth,
and occasionally INDUCES In Engual de-
bauches, during which his volubillty is like
unto the way in which the water used to
come down at Lodore. in McGuffy's Third
Reader. and may still be coming down. SO
far as deponent wots to the contrary.
The coloners prediction for blowing
where he listeth was never more happily IL
Illustrated than on last Wednesday night. at
which time the beauty and chivalry Of
Hawfille were assembled in the Spread
Eagle Theater to listen to the utterances of
bullying browed gentleman from the
effete east, who came 70 expound certain
novel financial theories. This solon was
sent out by the Society Of the Intellectual
Elect Of New England as a missionary to
converrt the heather of the untu.ored oc-
cident and point out To them the way in
Whlch they should go. He had requested
Handy Polk to Introduce him to the meet
Ing and the colonel had cheerily consented
to do SO.
Ladies an gentlemen" began Col Polk
advancing to the front OF the stage and
puliing down his vest with a deft gesture
1 have tho honor of iIterducin' to YOU to-
night a gentleman whose name is almost
as familiar to you as my own: whose fame
extenos plumb across this broad land of
our n. from Cape-er-er-Whats its NAME
TO the Sarah Nevada mountains, from Kali
| amazoo to Lake Tiddycorker; an orator
whose logic Is as profound as the rock Of
G-DDyralter, an NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. 1 for
s!t IT, iadies and gentlemen. permit me to
state that our capable friends, Alkali Ike
an cactus Jack, have been delegated to
Keep order yere tonight, an no rough horse
plays Will be tolerated.
IL you don't admire what the speaker
gifts off. go an kick for your money back
at the door. pass outside. write your OBJ
JecHons down on paper. wad EN- into
shotgun an shoot 'em into the side CT the
| cons: der en- tomorrow. / have spoken.
NOW, to git back to my mutton; it is AZ
useless Tor me to waste words in describ;n'
10 TINS we're Intelligent an refined audience
gentleman whose name is q household
word In the land as 1t would be to cast
pearls before swine. an so l will now have
Inc pleasure ladies and gentlemen. of in
| terducin, to you the distinguished-er-er-
what did you say your name was?"
Waldo Standish Winthrop" was the re-
trow.
That's SO: much obI:ged!" returned the
nave the pleasure Of interducn' to you Per-
lesser Stando Waldish-er-ah!I should
say. Standup Window-er-erI mean"
the SCI .s yog nss you hains able to say it
| who held himself IN high esteem as a wag.
GO your! calculated the colonel, prompt
ly. Waldo Standish Winthrop-thar! You
owe me fiVe. Appetite an. come to think
ABOUT 1t, you can just pay it to me along
With the other SIS you've been OWN me
Tor quite a SPELL"
This ives as nuts and candy to the audi
er ce and Appetite Bill was heard no more
Il a-l9 Ind md
men. pursued the colonel, when the ap-
plause had subsidized, Il have the pleasure
OF interducin' to you Perfeksor Winthrop
VINO viii now endeavor to entertain and in
struct you by expoundin' his financial
theories. The perfessor explained 'em TO
me this afternoon an edited me a great
plenty. We had mighty interestin' dis
pute over EN-, for the perfessor is one Of
the most refined end urbane disputers that
ever had the pleasure of runnin' up
against; 1t does me good to meet I'D with
a man that's got enough civility concealed
about his person not to want to fight when
l skin him like cat.
We got along together as peaceful an
smllln' as q couple of abies in the woods
he tells me that sech and sech thing is
thus an go, as polite as you please. An 1
sfys, Bercussed II it Isl equally polite /
says, says L:
I'm plenty sanguine,' says 1, that IL
inns yere or any other community was to
seriously embrace them theories of your'n.
perfessor in six months time the whole
layout would be pickin at the bedclothe
an turrin right blue around the mouth
Iell you what's fact, ladies and gentle
men. once knowed a gent who had a
theory. suthin Like the professors, raitlin'
GROUND In his head. an in less than forty
Gays after it first began hurtin' him that
| thar 1ooi man had grated on tail an
was runnin' wild with the cattle
Nearly all of the theories that 1 have
ever met Up with sounded mighty enticin',
but, as the poet SO aptly got off, YOU can't
make silk purse out of a-er-h'mlady
hogs ear. feel suthin' like the Teller did
When another man stopped him an invited
nun ai TO sorter step into the hall whur
discussion was goirg on about the way for
the workin man to git his iberty-he said
ne hadEt got time to pestle with liberty.
for his wife had run him out to buy a cod
fsh. 10 81. ..sg--,.l--
'sufferin'. Cornetusr ejacylated the 9TH
er gent THROWN up his hands. DO YOU
prefer Goldfish to Eberty?~
=" 'Dunno's 1 do says the Goldfish gent.
but I've noticed that it sticks TO the chill
Gren's ribs heap better
That's what knocks. ladies and gentle
men! Theories is good stuffin for toy
tsiicons. but it takes the good old streak
o lean an'-streak o. fat of solid facts to
cover the ribs of the orphans. Nearly all
theories lie plausible-they are q heap like
steel traps in that respect-but 1 don't
wasn't suthin' like the feller's theory that
he was gradually CROWN fat
Tell you how 1T was; he honestly be-
neNeu IN advocated that he was gettin'
fetter right along. an thar didn't pear 10
be any capable reason why it wasn't true.
TIL 1t was accidentally discovered that the
Ch.nyman who was dom his laundry work
was shrinkin' I'D his flannen underwear
with boraX or some such ingredient"
The bars were now down, and the colonel
was on and away. Mr.. Winthrop resigned
himself to the inevitable, and, being blessed
with certain sense of humor. enjoyed the
subsequent Proceedings in q way, and made
no attempt to interrupt The audience was
not critical. They We're like many coarse
persons are about eating-they are com
fortably Indifferent to what they eat. SO
long as there is plenty Of it.
1T sounds smooth an plausible ladjes
an gentlemen" proceeded Handy, ito adj
Vocate that, when a gentleman who has
been drinkin is screechin' around with
what nice old lady used to call a gropin'
pain In the abandon. all you'd have to do
to stop his yawp would be to shoot him In
the leg an thus cure his pain on the homy-
pathic principle. by givin him suthin' else
to- howl about. But it won't work-it won't
sorter commence to. I've seen it tried.
You might just as well feed a dude plas.y
Paris for softenin' of the brain. You'd
mighty soon have on your hands a plasty