Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-05-10
A MULE ) SOL|LOQUY.

! am ohiy mule. M not horse,
nor any other species exactly, but Just
plain, modest mule. / am the most
striking example of the domestic ami
nal. This characteristic gives me much
wholesome pleasure.
am so backward that when my ears
incline thus it starts my whole anatomy
toward any breach of my personal Ell
quette. This uncomfortable backward
ness of mine has been more destructive
than war and more fatal than small
pox.
am nothing but mule will never
enjoy the pleasures of parenthood. No
little mules will ever bask in the SUM-
shine of my smiles or listen 10 my
euphoneous bray but with pity. No
little mules will ever play in my tracks
or eat the luscious thistle by my side.
No wonder my lament is so touching.
Even when pair of me was led up to
| the ark for inspection, Noah upbraided
the hired hand for playing practical
jokes when there was an approaching
| shower.
For some unknown reason mule
doesn't sound well in poetry. No poet
sings my praises. If Sheridan had rid
den me, "Sheridan's Ride" at Winches-
ter would have been a fizzle. The SOL
| dlers would have laughed in our faces
lSheridan's and mine) Think of this:
Every nerve of the mule was strained
to full play,
With Sheridan only ten miles away.
NO wonder the poets keep shy of me.
I'm more intelligent than any Of my
ancestors; besides have the strength and
courage of horse and am as sure-foot-
ed as goat.
One million Of me carry the burdens
of Spain and pull it's carriages. One
million OF me till the fields of the United
states and eat her thiStles. The only
thing worth living for is the luscious
thistle. With forty full grown thistles
TICKLING my stomach and stable boys in
the vicinity of my afterwards-do don't
mention it.
Ihese ears OF mine, which are quite
noticeable in my features, are my prin-
ciple organs of expression. NV elo-
quence is mostly in my ears. To ex-
press my strongest emotions | do not
nave to twist face, body and limbs ac-
cordlng TO Fulton or Delsarte. but lust
give my ears the right inclination and
the thought is as plain as an approach
ing storm and often is one. Two ears
back means a funeral or the very edge
OF one. A winking of my ears with
playful wag means contentment and
thiStles.
sometimes, however, my face does not
express my Utmost thoughts. and men
who forget these peculiarities often die
without previous notice.
AS "elocution is the science and ART NJ
expression by voice and action" nv
elocution is not altogether satisfactory
in the matter of voice, owing to the in
Fiction of paternal ancestor not of nv
own choosing. Ny voice is rather ex-
pressive, but not particularly melodious.
IL has something Of the melody Of VIC
lin without strings) accompanied by an
alligator chorus in a tornado on Lake
Okeechobee, and is about as flexible as
doorstep. But | can't help it. No
amount OF breathing exercises or study
of ditones and polytones will ever fit me
for the concert hall.
Whether on the slopes of the Py-
renees. the plains of Persia. or the cot
ton fields Of Tennessee my bray has the
same familiar notes which have so often
charmed the alligator and the bull-frog
Many Cardinal while riding behind
me discussing the health OF the Pope
and his probable successor, has been
silent while spoke to the neighboring
precincts.
People often wonder how emit such
sounds and make the children laugh in
church. simply relax the muscles of
my tail, stand erect with ears pointing
heavenward, then by a very vigorous
abdominal breathing my trachea. lar
ynx, pharanx, palate and other organs
of my neck have a general misunder-
standing-and by that time the delicate
sound waves are knocking the rails off
the neighboring fences.
My heels, as we'll as these aforemen-
toned ears, are very impressive, while
my ears are alluring an audience into
mirthfulness, my heels sometimes touch
the very well-spring of pathos. But
this inherent backwardness can never
hope to overcome; and by the aid OF
1.-The Enquire" can truthfully say:
When the lion eats grass like an OK,
And the fish-worm swallows the whale;
When the terrapin knits wooden socks,
When the hare is run down by the snale:
When serpents walk upright like men,
And doodle bugs travel like hogs;
| will promise to kick no more then,
Providing-there are no Dan Foggs.
Well, no, if there isn't my master
listening through crack.
Blip-Blip-Bang.
Ahhhhul AhhhW
Interpreted by DAN F0GG,