The Houma courier. (Houma, La.) 1878-1939, 1896-10-24
Ths Deacon s.resses Un,.

The Deacon sTesses Up"
81 win have to own up oft, brethren,
that l was drunk-most feloniously
drunk-says the deacon, as he went
down into his side coat pockets after
his old bandana handkerchief and
mopped out the salt water which had
backed up in his eyes. ''But / must GO
on and tell you-and I would swear to
it on q stack of Bibles ten feet thick
and a mile high-that l never drunk
nary single drop of aperits, SO help
me God. No doubts it will be hard for
some Of the brethren t believe that
particularly them that have Travelled
the downward road for 10 these many
years and are cons~equentially familious
with the common way of bringing on a
plain, ~old-fashion drunk. Butneverthe-
less, heDceforth and notwithstandin,
brethren, I never drank nary single drop
Of sperits. 1 have spoke the truth-the
naked unwashed truth-and nothin but
the truth, so help me God"
"But everybody says that Deacon
Joiner was drunk. So he was-so he
was-and it was the most filthiest and
low downest drunk that has ever come
to pass amongst the members of Bark
Log church. And yet ! never drunk
marry single drap of sperits that day.
SLOW did it come to pass? Wen. you
see, brethren I had went to town that
mornin, and one of the hands cn the
place-which his wife and seven of the
children was all sick abed with chills
and feveT-he ask me if I wouldn't he
so kind, -condescendin and obligin as
to fetch him a quart OF speT;Is, So ]
had got the sperits accordin, and as /
rid along the road on my return back
home hat evening / broke ont all oveT
with the mad itch in spots as big as
your hand. The more / scratched the
worse / got with the itch till it did
naturally look like I would go
slap slam crazy. It was wrong,
brethren / know it was wrong,
but l then got mad-mad to think
that I had lived in this vain and
Heetin world clost up to 20 years, and
then finally at last had to break ont with
the itch. Some people mought maybe
call it skin rupture or the exer1as, or by
some other fancy name, but to me it was
the itch-nothin but the itch, and q
scandIous bad case Of it. As ] rid on it
got so bad till I would have to dismount
and git down along the road and rub
and scratch myself agin the trees like
a NANCY, lousy hog. Then presently I
thought about that quart Of sperits
which l had bought fer the sick, and
says / to myself, it maybe mought cure
the itch. So 1 went down into my sad
die Bags and got out the bottle, hitcLed
my horse and slipped off down in the
woods, crawled out of my shirt aud
poured on the sperits, and rubbed, tin
my itchin skin soaked up all the sperits,
whereas 1 felt a whole lot better. !
then mounted my horse and rid on
towards home. / didn't feel any more
sufferin from the itch, but / didn't GO
more than a mile or so before I felt the
sperits powerful. AT first 1 didn't know
what in. the round created world was
the matter with mel did feel so ire
mendus loose and mellow and rich and
good. But presently / was took will. a
powerful swimmin of the head and
then Igot sick-so orful, mortal sick.
About that time Ireckon l must of fell
off OF my horse, and henceforwards
after that / didn't know a blessed thing
till Iwoke up at home next mornin with
my head fcelin as big as a hampei
basket, and-and-but I reckon the
brethren can see the pint l am driyir
at. But the itch was gone-knocked
sky high and cured on the first round.
81 have now give unto you all this
mainest facts in the case. brethren
and I hope you will deal kind and gentle
with me ~accordin. I am willin for yol
to know am wilIin for the whole dis
covered world to know-that Deacon
; Joiner got drunk - most feloniousl.
drunk. But please remember that
never drunk nary single drop Of speE
it's