The record-union., 1896-10-25
NOT A CASE TO BE ENVIED.
The Man Whose Wife is Out of Town
Finds Life Burden.

A middle-aged man came down the
steps of one Of the few houses that are
open in the streets that run off Fifth
avenue. just below Central Park, the
ether evening. and hailed a man who
was passing just opposite.
Hello, Jim,'' he said disconsolately.
How do you do, Arthur" responded
the other.
They stood on opposite curbings for a
moment, and then the first speaker
slowly crossed the street.
what's the matter, Arthur? You
look like the last rose of summer Hot
weather been doing you up?"
Hot weather be hanged!" snorted the
other. rs your wife away?"
Unfortunately she is not / envy you
and the rest of the boys whose better
halves are giving them a vacation"
We'll, you can just quit envying us
right now, and thank your lucky stars
that you're not in our boots" said the
sOrrowful one
'How's that?' inquired "Jim," Curl
ously. You fellows are always brag-
ging at the club about what free and
easy time you are having, now that your
wives are in the country or at the sea-
Shore
Il know it" said number one, heaving
sigh, but were all liars every one of
US, and don't you forget it. You see,'
he went on dolefully, when my wife
went away / was thinking what beau
tiful time l was going to have all by my
self here-come and go just when /
wanted to, be at the club all the time If
l pleased, and all that sort of thing.
My wife left one of the maids at home
to look after the house and see to my
room. The last thing she said to me
was: Now, Arthur, do be careful not
to have any trouble with the maid.
Maids are awfully hard to manage and
you have had no experience with them.
Beside, they are hard to get nowadays
and are touchy about their rights.
don't quite like to leave her here. I'm
sure you'll get her angry and then she'll
leave. and I shall have no end of trouble
getting another one
Il laughed at her L guess know
how to manage a woman / said
A" Maybe she said; and with that she
went away.
That very night I stayed pretty late
at the club with some Of the boys and
when ! got home it was almost o'clock.
l was just thinking to myself how nice
1t was to be able to stay out all night if
! pleased, when l discovered that I had
lost my latchkey. This did not worry
me at ALL however, as / knew the maid
was inside. l rang the bell and waited
Then / rang again and waited. Then
/ rang and waited some more No re-
sponse. / thumped on the door a while
with no better success, and sat down on
the steps to think ii over. Finally
remembered having read somewhere of
plan that was successfully adopted by
some unfortunate In a similar situation.
L went out into the street and hunted
for cobblestone."
And you didn't find it, said Jim,
with grin.
II did. though. after 1 had walked
about three blocks. found it and cart
ed it back to the house with appropriate
remarks. Remember, this was one of
the hottest nights of last week.
Hot enough to fry fapjack., on the
sidewalk"
That's the very night! How did You
know? Well, i grabbed the cobblestone
ard thumped with all my might on the
front door. The whole house shook"
That fetched the maid, I'll bet
You're right 1t fetched the maid.
1t also fetched a pitcherful Of water
out Of a fourth-story window. I lodged
it, though, and dropped the cobblestone
on my toe
Mary leaned out Of the window---by
the way, did you ever hear of maid
that wasn't named Mary2"
Never" said Jim. They're always
Mary"
Mary leaned out of the window and
shouted, Get away from there now or
I'll call the police. What dyer mean,
anyhow"
Il was mad. 1 own it freely. Shut
up and come down. 1 said, I want to
get in; I've lost my night key
"Then Mary came down, of course"
Queried Jim.
"Of course Mary didn't come down
because Mary was a fool. Mary opened
her mouth and replied, You can't fool
me that way. Go away right off, you
rascal
81 won't go away I answered
Come down. you idiot, and let me in
''To this Marys answer was a series
of shrill howls. Police. Police! Polio ~
she shouted.
I sat down on the steps and waited
There was nothing else to do Mary
made the street resound for about ten
minutes, I should think. She really has
most remarkable voice. orly she
ought to have it trained. She was still
in good voice when a policeman ar
rived. I wondered whether I should
have to spend the night in the police
station for trying to break into my own
house, but, fortunately, the policeman
knew me- and accepted my cxplana-
ton, although he evidently suspected
that I was drunk
after considerable argument we per-
suaded Mary to come down and open
the door. She knew the policeman bet
ter than she did me. Perhaps it was this
fact that made me ungentle with Mary
when I stood at last in the hall. When
had concluded my peroration she was
in tears. She declared she would leave
the very next morning"
did she?" asked Jim
''She did. I haven't dared write nv
wife about it yet. You know what she
would say"
I told you so,'" suggested Jim.
That's it. Good-by, and don't envy
me any more. New York Tribune
Force of Habit,