Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1896-03-18

Titaiaia FREE gtess.
Humorous.

Finnegan-Oi know lt-but Orm goln' 10
kape it as security for the 90 cents yez Dor
rowed from me over year ago.
Helm afraid the coming woman will
swear.
She--Oh No; she intends to run things
so we'll there won't be anything to swear at.
The New Gir-Johanna, don't forget to
dust the brie-a-brac.
''NO, ma'am. Where do you keep the
dust?"
Yeast-Do you give your dog any exer-
else?
Crimsonbeak- yes; he goes for a
tramp nearly every day.
Reciprocity. Mistress-I can't say that
yeu were always respectful, Bridget; still l
will put it in the recommendation.
Bridget-Thank you, ma'am An III
say the same thing NV you.
81 cannot see a reason" said the S. P. c.
A, boarder, "wby it should be thought ad
visable to dock a horses tail"
Probably" suggested the Cheerful Idiot,
"they are locked for being behind"
Old Lady-That parrot bought of you
uses dreadful language
Bird Deaer-Ah mum, you should be
very careful what you SEE afore it, it's as
tonishing how quick them birds picks up
anythink.
"What?" exclaimed the tenderfoot, On
ly tar and feathers I thought you always
hanged horse theft"
The native sighed heavily.
''The influence Of the bicycle, you know,
he rejoined.
Daughter READING letterl-But, pa, dear,
in this last word you put letter too much.
Pa Cself made and not a bit of pride about
him)-'Aye l, dear? Never mind dare
say I've left one out of some other word, so
that'll square it.
An Unbiased Opinion-"Now, professor, "
said the ambitious young man, you have
tried my voice, want you to tell me frankly
what it is best adapted to-" And without
a moments hesitation the eminent musician
responded, whispering"
Miss Stuyvesant-I wonder what's the
matter with Southwick? He seems to have
lost all his friends Hasn't he any money
now?
Mr. Madison-Yes just as much as usual
But he has given up lending it.
Did the Right thing After ALT am
ashamed of you, my dear, laughing at those
risque stories of Mrs. de French. You
would better have bushed
"But, mamma, if had blushed, it would
have shown that understood them"
Shc-You don't care for my kissing any
more.
He-The idea Before we were married
used to expect dozen or so in payment for
a box of candy, and now | deem only one OF
them sufficient payment for new dress.
"lIme. Hulda doesn't sing as well as she
did three years ago"
"She does not. What n shock it must be
when singer discovers that she has lost her
voice"
"Itis still more shocking when she does
not discover it"
Wife, mentioned to dear Kitue, in my
letter, about the dear Duchess calling upon
us, and how sweet she was
Husband-I suppose youfdid not say that
her Grace called for a charity subscription
Wife-Wen, no did not think that
sounded inter,st sting.
Bacon-Let me shake your hand, dear
boy this is one of the happie,t days of your
life
Egbert-You're too previous, old man.
I'm not to be married until tomorrow.
That's what say. This is one of the
happiest days of your life"
"He is the luckiest man ever knew"
'In what way?"
"Well, he was never sick day in his life,
and there is every likelihood that he will
live to a green old age; and yet be is 50 thin
and pale that every life insurance agent who
comes along skips him as dangerous risk"
Stranger Ito young manl-You are not
looking well this morning, my young friend.
Young Man-No, sir; toyed with too
much jersey lightning last night.
Stranger-Ah and how does this light
ming as you call it make you feel?
Young Man 1t makes me feel like thun-
der
After the Rehearsal-Author-By the
way, Deepyoice, there is point to which
should like to call your attention.
Deepyoice the villain)-Well?
Author-Where make the heroine say
to you, 'Do your worstr do not intend
the remark to be stage direction in regard
to your acting.