The record-union., 1896-03-09
SMISER STUDIES THEOLOGY.
Thinks II Time for the Building Of a
New Sect.
He Has Been Reading Up on the Sub
ject, and Presents His
Views.

some inspiration, as it We're at first
hand; that is, free from the trimmings
that both bigots and heretics are in
clined to append to their versions.
/ am frequently astonished at the
practical information and common
sense that, for some reason, are neg
lected by our preachers and other ex-
Founders. There is SO much wisdom
thereby overlooked that I am almost
persuaded to quit my present occupa-
ton and build a new creed, to be known
as the Literalistic.
1t would astound the godly and at
tract the attention of the main body of
our populace to hear a strictly literal
disquisition, and thereby learn how
much solid information can be got out
of a few chapters of Genesis and other
places in the Bible.
Now, for instance, we all know about
how the trouble commenced with Adam
and Eve who, on the whole, seem to
have been only an Indifferent pair with
which to start a world We know that
their first-born, Cain, rose up and slew
his brother Abel without much formal
ity, and then tried to prove an alibi,
which wouldn't work. Cain was repri-
brothers, for at that time he had none.
So Cain went east from Eden to Nod,
and there married and built a son and
a city, both named Enoch.
Now this same land of Nod was new
precinct, and / can't dig up anything
prior to Genesis to find out what kind
of a place it was, or who was Gains
mother-in-law. Neither know we any
thing of consequence about Mrs. Cain,
further than she proved efficient in ele-
waiting the census and populating the
district. Cain was the first to found a
city, for which he is not as much to
blame as those who did the same thing
later on. Cain first titled the soil-prob-
ably because he couldn't help it.
Lamech, as no one seems to tell us
about, was the first polygamist, which
seems to be about the only industry at
which he succeeded.
Jubal came along and was the first
man to tamper with a harp. He also
rugged up an organ-don't know
whether it was a grand organ or not.
At any rate, being the first musician,
and an experiment, he was permitted
to live, and so malady or melody broke
out.
Then there was Seth, the third son of
Eve. Nobody seems to pay any atten-
tion to Seth Seth has been neglected.
/ don't know whether he went up into
Nod and got into society or not. Poor
Seth only lived 912 years, and about
all Scripture saith of Seth is that dur
in that time he begat sons and daugh-
ters
And all the days of Adam were $50
years, and he died. Nothing is stated
about his having made q Vii. AS there
are no lawyers mentioned, his relatives
probably inherited his effects-and got
| them.
Finally Noah came along. Noah was
not notably precocious, as he was oOO
years old before he got his name in the
papers, or did anything of consequence.
After 500 years, however, he begat
Shein, Ham and Japhet, found grace in
the sight of the Lord, and received a
pointer on the weather. The Lord him
self established the weather prophecy
works, and Noah got the earliest bull
letin. The Lord told him a storm cen
ter was about to arrive at Sodom and
Gomorrah, and that the season would
be very wet for spell.
SO Noah got some gopherwood and
made what was then called an ark. He
caulked the ark up with pitch and pre-
pared for a cruise-by water-as he was
| informed there wouldn't be any land
| for some time Then Noah got to-
gether Mrs. Noah, and as much of her
| baggage as he could, Mr.. and Mrs.
| Shem. Mr.. and Mrs. Ham and Mr.. and
Mrs. Japhet (no ehildren), and gave
| them apartments in the ark, probably
cabin passage. Then he filled up the
steerage list with the first and most
| stupendous aggregation in the shape OF
| a menagerie of wild and exotic fowls,
beasts and insects ever exhibited in one
arena. In fact, he had at least pair
| of every living thing on earth-a COM
plete aggregation.
Then. leaving his father and mother
in-law and society in general, Noah and
his three sons and their wives pulled in
| the gang plank and the rainy season
commenced, according to the announce
ment in the programme.
| The cruise of the ark is almost as
well known as that of Governor Budd' s
| PollyWog, hence we will be content to
1 have further reference to it omitted.
Everything except what Noah had
aboard - and probably the fish -
drowned during the wet season. So,
when the ark finally moored and Noah
and the young folks got out and turned
the menagerie loose, they had the world
/ Think of it, All the sinners were
drowned off, and the uppertendom and
select were only eight. all told-that is,
a quarter of the world for each couple!
| Noah was elated at the prosperity OF
his voyage and the efficiency Of the
hcod, and as soon as the ground dried
out a bit he put out a vineyard and
raised grapes. Then he made wine, and
| then he got very, very drunk! This
caused a scandal in the family, and
| Noah seems to have lost cast, and al
| the age of $50 years he died.
Shem, Ham and Japhet soon popu-
| lated Canaan, the population central
lied. and kings and kingdoms ensued.
Then war broke out. In the vale OF
Siddim, or hard by, there were four
kings against fvei Great Sodom and
Gomorrahl We think nowadays that
we play 'em for all they're worth, but
nine kings at one deal
| There, now. In this synopsis the
strict letter of the text is followed and
nothing extenuated as here set down
We shall have a Literalistie creed and
revive theology, anon. SMISER.
|