Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1896-11-16
JUST FOR FUN.

Howso-I can do my best work
when it's hot. Cumso-What great
future you have before you!
| Willie-Are you the nearest rela-
tive I've got, mamma? Mother Yes,
love, and your pa is the closest rela-
tive you've got.
wonder why it is that young girls
like to marry widowers? 1t is be-
cause they know that widowers have
been cured of their foolish Illusions
about women.
What is camp meeting? asken one
little boy of another. Camp meeting?
said the other gravely; why, it's the
place where they have Sunday every
day in the week.
She-No, George, I like you, but I
can never be your wife. He (haughti-
ly)-Never mind. There are others.
She-I know there are, George. ac
cepted one this morning.
Listen, Mrs. Jones; some one has
invented a machine by which a man
can hear himself wink. That's good,
Mr.. Jones; now [ hope they'll get up
one by which man can hear himself
Snore.
On his return from tour which he
had been making with his master in
Switzerland, a servant, being asked
what he had seen, replied: Oh, one
can't see anything, there's nothing
but mountains everywhere.
Bigson-I once possessed splendid
dog who could always distinguish be-
tween a vagabond and respectable
person. Jigson-Well, what became
Of him? Bigson-Oh, I was obliged
to give him away. He bit me.
Mr.. Sohiner was told that dead
whale was driven ashore at Nan
tucket, and on opening him pair of
boots were found marked j Mr..
Sohiner replied, they probably belong
ed to Jonah. He must have left them
when he stepped out.
Mr.. Billings took up his cup of what
the landlady called coffee, tasted it,
shifted it and sat it down. Have you
anything to say against the coffee,
Mr.. Billings? asked the landlady. No,
ma'am, answered Billings. I never
speak i'll Of the absent.
Walter-Mamma, has Sister Win
nie's fellow joined the church? Nam
MAJ guess not. Why do you ask?
Walter-I heard him tell her last
night that every Monday his knees
just ached on account of the hard
work they had to do on Sundays.
Old Practitioner-W Well, how did
you succeed with your first diagno-
sis? Did you profit by my advice?
Young Doctor think did, sir.
told the patient that he was suffering
from a combination of liver, stomach,
heart, lung and brain trouble. Old
Practitioner Good, no chance for
mistake there!
There are many stars that are never
seen, said the astronomer, reflective
ly. Yes; and there are a lot that
never ought to be seen, too, returned
the theatrical manager with some
emphasis It was two days later be
fore the astronomer finally got 1t
through his head that the theatrical
manager was not plain every day
idiot.
Sarcasm generally doesn't pay,
unless it be of the pleasant kind used
by an Irishman to his employer-a
coal dealer-who proposed to dis
charge him because he couldn't learn
anything. Well, I've learned one
thing since I've been with you, said
Pat what's that? That eighteen
hundred make ton. Pat was re-
tanned.
Father, said the young man who
was home from school, you must not
take offence if the farm does not suit
me. I feel that my talents demand
broader field. That's lucky, my boy,
and to your credit ez WE'LL YEN be
tickled to know tibet I've bought an
adjoining section Of land, an ez soon
ez [ get the fences moved, every field
on the place'll be half as wide again.
Then We kin turn in an hustle ter yer
hearts content.
Marvellous Results.