Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-09-13
50 He Imagined He Was Going to
Have q Picnic.
But, as Events Proved, He was
Fooled in the Most Approved
Style-If Any Man Tells You He's
Enjoying His Wife's ABSENCE
Don't Believe Him.


Tae TWO stood on opposite cuFb.nSs for
a moment and then the first speaker
s0lwly crossed the street.
What's the matter. Arthur? You look
Ike the last rose OF summer. Hot
weather been doing you up?'
Hot weather be hanged snor,ed the
other. Is your wife away?'
Unfortunately she is not. I epvey
you and me rest Of the boys who's bet
ter halves are giving them a vacation. ~
"Well, you can just quit envyipg us
right now, and thank your lucky stars
that you're not in our boots said the
sorrowful one.
"HOws' thar inquired Jim" cur
iously. you fellows are always hrag-
ging at the club about what a frae-an1-
easy time you are having, now that
your wives are 10 the country or at tae
seashore.
I know it." said No. 1, heaving
sigh, but we're all liars, every one Of
Us. and don't Won forget II. You see, ~
he went on dOlefuily, when my wife
went away I was thinking what q
beautiful time I was going to have all
by myself here-come and 90 jusl when
I wanted TO. be al the club all the time
if I pleased, and al that sort of thing.
Ny wife left one Of the maids a. nome
10 lock after the house and see 20 my
room. The last thing she said 10 M
was: Now, Arthur, do be careful no.
10 have any trouble with the maid.
Maids are awful hard 10 manage and yol
have had no experience with them. Be
sides, they are hard 70 get nowadays,
and are tOuchy about their rights. /
don't quite like 70 leave her here. Pm
sure you'll get her angry and then she'll
leave, and shall have no end Of trouble
getting another one
Il laughed ct her. I guess / know
how 10 manage a woman l said.
Maybe, she said; and with That she
went away.
That very night 7 stayed pretty la-a
81 the club with some Of the boys and
when I got home it was almost Two
O'Clock. I was just thinking 20 myself
how nee it was TO be able to say out
all night # pleased, when l discovered
that had lost my latch key. This did
not worry me at all. however, as ! knew
the maid was inside. rang the bell
and waited. Then I rang again and
waited. Thsn I rang and waited some
more. No response. l.thumped on the
door awhile with no better success, and
sat down on the Steps TO think J., over.
Finally remembered having read some
where a plan that was successfully
adopted by some unfortunate To SINH
lar situation. wen, out into The street
and hunted for a coblestOne.'
And you didn't find ii, said Jim"
with grin.
7 did. though, after I had walked
about three blocks. / found il and car
ried It back 20 the house with appro-
pirate remarks. Remember this was
one Of the hottest nights Of las, week
Hot enough TO fry fapjacks on tbs
sidewalk"
That's the very night, How did YOU
know? Well, l grabbed the cobOies-one
and thumped with all ms might on the
front door. The whole house shook
Thai fetched Jh5 maid. I'll bet
You're right. I. fetched the maid. T.
also fetched a p.tche-ful Of water OUT
OF a fourth-story window. I lodged
it. though, and dropped The cObblesJone
. On my toe.
Mary leaned GU, Of the window-by
he way did YOU ever hear Of a maid
that wasn't named Mary?'
Never" sad. Jim" They're al
ways Mary
MARY leaned ont Of the window and
shouted: Get away from there, now,
or I'll call thu police. What dyer mean,
anyhow"
Z was mad. I own it freely Shut
ND and come down, I said. i want 10
get in I've los. my night key.
Then Mary came down, Of course"
queried Jim
of course Mary didn't come down,
because Mary was q fCoi. Nary op6nsd
her mouth ana replied, You cant TOOL
me that way. Go away right on, you
rascal
Il won't so away" answered. Coma
down. you idiot. and LEI me in
ITO this Mary's answers was g series
of shriI bowls. Police, Pole! P0Ace'
she shou ed.
Il sat down On the s-eps and waited.
There was nothing else to do Mary
made the street resound for about Ten
minutes. I should think. She really has
most remarkable vo.ce. only sl- Cuels
10 have il trained. She was sJin In s3ot
voice when a policeman arrived. / Won
dered whether I should have to sp.1a
the night in the police station for Trying
10 break into my own house, but fortu-
nately. the policeman knew ne, and &C.
ceD;td my explanation, although he ey.-
IDENTIFY suspected -ha- I was drunk
After considerable argument we per-
shaded Mary TO come down cd open the
door. She knew The policeman better
than she did ne. Perhaps il was this
feat that made me urgenLe w.oh Mary
when / stood at las In the hall Waen
I had concluded my peroratiou she v1s
in tears. Sne declared she would leave
the very next morning.
Did she?" asked jim"
she did. I haven't dared write my
VIE about it yet You know what she
would say
"Told you So" suggested in"
That's IL. Goodbye and don't -nvy
me any more.-New York Tribune
Henry W. Etz. Optician, uses the
latest method in testing eyes.