The Monitor-register., 1896-03-13

Au0 WOAous uo ACJOluou VIII bpIIlb,
''by the almighty 80 cents"
10 the meanwhile, Destiny was
wondering which it would be.-Detron
Tribune.
Said little Johnny Green,
"This is the funniest world l ever seen;
A fellow is sent off to bed
When he hain'a got a bit of sleep in his
head,
And he's hustled out of it, done you see,
When he's just as sleepy as he can be-"
Boston Transcript.
x*x
His Observation-Disclosures people have
funny ideas, haven't they?"
"Yes; some of those who are not writ
ting for the comic papers."-C Chicago
Record.
Nv
Fuddy-They say that monkeys can
talk.
Duddy-Yes; but let us give them full
credit by acknowledging that they don't
do it.-Boston Transcript.
**x
stI've been told Rivers's name is in old
Rocksworth'ys will"
"Yes, his name is 10 it; he signed it as
a witness. That's all, and-good gracious!
What's the matter2"
Nothing, only I've lent him $500 on
the strength of it."-Cnscaqo Tribune.
x*x
Millionaire-Now tell me, young man,
why you want to marry my daughterP
Prospective Son-in Law-Well, to tell
the truth, I couldn't think of any other
way of getting into your family N. Y.
Recorder.
Hans had climbed up into the cherry
tree to gather cherries. Meantime a storm
came on, and the father called out to the
lad: "Come down, Hans, it is beginning
to thunder"
"There's no need, father" shouted the
boy, II can hear it where l am."-Igus
trtrte Chronicle.
x~x
A Reliance.-"I haven't had any peace
of mind at ALL" said Mr.. Lushly, s.since
my wife got the bicycle craze"
"She wants to ride, does she ?"
"No; she wants me to ride. She says
she believes that a man who is out at
night is as safe if he is confronted with the
responsibility of getting a bicycle back
home as he is if he has signed the
pledge" Washington Star.
4*x
Passenger-"Is that Chicago we are
coming to ?"
Conduetor-"Certainly. Can't you
make out the snow-capped buildings Pr
NeU York Life.
Darling. did you sing any pretty
songs at Sunday.school?"
"Yes, Mamma; we sang a lovely one
about 'Greenland's ice cream noun
tains. ~ hioa0o Record.
x*x
Lady at the door-"I believe In nv
heart you are the same tramp that | gave
a large piece of pie to a few days ago."
Tramp-"No, ma'am; you're mistaken.
He's dead" Yonkers Statesman.
x*x
Ardent Lover-"If you could see my
heart, Belinda, you would know how
fondly''-
Up-to- date Girl (producing camera)-
81 intend to see it, Hiram. Sit still.
please" 20 Chicago Tribune.
Nv
A subscriber writes us-'How can
you mako put the nostrils-two for a
(s)cent,' to be the cheapest feature of
the face, when its neighbor Just below is
less than one-third of a cASncapin?
Yours, our"
**x
George" said she, in a tone of bitter
rebuke, "as far as / can see. YOU are
going to the dogs"
you're never contented, Martial" re-
turned her erring husband. "You made
me give up horses, and here You are
complaining about dogs. Do 1 object to
your cats and your canaries ? No, mad.
am l would scorn to interfere with
your pets-and l beg of you to respect
my preference for nobler animals Pr
N. Y. Tribune.
Nv
CAM be beat-wood carpet.
x**
Some folks jest keep complaints in store,
An never, never cease;
In times Of peace they shout fur war;
In war they hollers "Peacev'
= Washington Times.
x*x
Abraham-"Vere vos You all dis dayP"
1key-"Fadder, l vos in de woods, an
| saw q nest full of young burts, an dey
did nothin' but sing 'Cheepl CheepF"
Abraham-"Mine gracious, key, get
all dem burts you san! I'll hang dem in
der front window and let dem boiler
bout der goodsp-Pitsburg Bulletin.
4*x /,
A lady of great beauty and attractive
ness, who was an ardent admirer OF
Ireland, once crowned her praise OF 1t at
party by saying: 81 think l was meant
for an Irish woman"
MADAM" rejoined a witty son of Erin,
who happened to be present, thousands
would back me in saying that you were
meant for an Irish man."-Srand Maga-
A well-known Massachusetts, minister
,nce gave a dinner party, at which a
gentleman just elected judge was one of
he guests. The pastors littls three
daughter was told by her mother
hat she was to sit opposite the honored
,uest, and that she must behave herself
ike a lady, as he was q judge. So when
le said to her, "You have never seen a
udge before. have you ~ she little girl
eplied, mo, sir; but l have seen a pic
ure of PLATE in my Sunday-school
ook."-1ns Oongrsgationalisk