Omaha daily bee., 1896-08-15
INSTANCES OF UNCONSCIOUS HuMon.
Happy Rctorts Attributed to Natives
of the Emerald Isle.

Happy Rctorts Attributed to Natives
of the Emerald Isle.
Current Literature quotes from Handy
Book of Literary Curiosities' the following
specimens of Irish wit:
A poor lrishman offered an old saucepan
for sale. His children gathered around him
and inquired why he parted with it. "Ah,
me honeys," he answered, IL would not be
afther parting with 1t but for a little money
to buy something to put in it."
A young Irishman who had married when
about 10 years of age, complaining of the
dlllculties to which his early marriage sub
jected him, said he would never marry so
thuselah.
An invalid, after returning from a south
ern trip, said to a friend: "Oh. shure, an
us done me a wurruld O. good goin' away.
l We come back another man altogether; III
tact, I'm quite meself again"
An eccentric lawyer thus questioned a
client: SO your uncle, Dennis O'Flaherty,
had no family?' None at all, your
honor" responded the client. The lawyer
made a memorandum Of the reply, and thus
continued: Very good. And your father,
Patrick OFlaherty, did he have chick or
child?"
In an Irish provincial paper is the follow
ing notice: Whereas, Patrick O'Connor
lately left his lodgings, this is to give no
ticc that if he does not return immediately
t"S 'HN btAiAS iN WI w uiNtt llSch.
TWO lrishmen were working in a quarry,
when one of them fell into a deep quarry
hole. TIL other, alarmed, came to the mar
gin of the hole and called out, "Arrah, Pat,
are we killed? If ye're dead, spake.' Pat
treasured him from the bottom by saying in
answer, No, Tim, I'm not dead, but I'm
spachcless."
AT a crowded concert a young lady, stand
ing at the door of the hall, was addressed
by an honest Hibernian who was in attend
Hnpe on the occasion "In1aHn mice ~ cnil
he. Il should be glad to give you a safe,
but the empty ones are all full.
Pat, do you understand French?" Yes,
If it's spoke in Irish" ..
An Irish hostler was sent to the stable to
bring forth a travellers horse. Not know
ing which of the two strange horses in the
stalls belonged to the traveller, and wishing
to avoid the appearance of ignorance in his
business, he saddled both animals and
brought them TO the door. The traveller
pointed out his own horse, saying, That's
my nag" Certainly, yer honor; I know
that, but i didn't know which one of them
was the other gentleman's."
domestic, newly engaged, presented to
his master one morning a pair of boots, the
leg of one of which was much longer than
the other. "How comes it that these boots
are not of the same length?' 81 rally
don't know, sir, but what bothers me the
most is that the pair downstairs are in the
same fix"
An Irishman, having feet of different
sizes, ordered his boots to be made accord
ingly. His directions were obeyed, but as
he tried the smallest boot on his largest
foot he exclaimed, petulantly, ''Confound
that fellow! l ordered him to make one
larger than the ether, and, instead of that,
he made one smaller than the other"
That was a triumphant appeal of an Irish
lover of antiquity, who, in arguing the
superiority of the old architecture over the
new, said: Where will you find any
modern building that has lasted so long as
tho ancient?'
An Irish magistrate, censuring some boys
for lettering in the streets, argued, IF
everybody were to stand in the street how
could anybody get by?"
An Irishman got out of his carriage at a
railway station for refreshments. but the
bell rang and the train left before he could
finish his repast. "Hould on" cried Pat,
as he ran like a mailman after the car,
'hould on, ye murther'n ould stame injin,
you've got a passenger on board that's left
behind"
at is very siekly here said one of the
sons of the Emerald isle to another. Yes"
replied his companion. "a great many have
died this year that never died BEFORE
An old Dublin woman went to the chand-
ler's for a farthing' candle and was told it
was raised to a half-penny on account of
the Russian war. Bad luck to them"
she exclaimed, land do they fight by candle
light?"
An Irish lover remarked that II is a great
comfort to be alone. Especially when yer
swateheart is wild ye."
An eminent spirit merchant in Dublin an
nounced in one of the Irish papers that he
had still a small quantity of the whisky on
sale which was drunk by his late majesty
while in Dublin.
A Hibernian gentleman told a friend study
ing for the priesthood: II hope ! may live
to hear you preach my funeral Sermon"
Another expressed the grateful sentiment,
MAY you live to eat the chicken that
scratches over your grave" A physician
said oracularly of a murdered man, This
person was SO i'll that If he had not been
murdered he would have died a half an
hour BEFORE