Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1896-06-25
SUMMER GUESTS RID1CULED.
Natural Scenes and Incidents That Are
Funny when Described by Boy.


Grandma" asked Johnnie, as he looked
! over the summer resort advertisements
lis pa going to take US to some summer re-
sort this year,"
ITS only the rich people who can afford
to go to the seaside" responded the old
lady.
That's where you are little off, grand
! ma. 1--WE noticed that as general thing
It is the people who don't pay the grocer,
| the baker and the butcher who can afford
to go off for the summer. Those who can't
afford to take vacation can busy them
selves at home figuring how much those
| who are out of town owe them. But. real
ly, grandma, there is no need Of going out
Of town in order to have all the enjoyment
of summer resort"
| How is that, Johnne?"
"All you have to do is to throw out the
ice, buy some stale vegetables. order sait
| pork and beans, keep the mail two or three
days, put brickbats and boards in the bed,
pull up the shades and let the sun glare IN
for all it's worth. and you cannot realize
that YOU are not al a summer resort" said
johnnie With a chuckle. People go TO the
seaside for rest and repose, to i1l that
there are more children there thar doors
on the corridor where he rooms, while
neighbor on one hand shores, and the one
on the other side walks his room all night
and yet a great many people so there
| "You mustn't believe everything you read
| in the papers. grandma a great many
| people send personal notices to the papers,
announcing that they have gone to Europe,
| Newport or Saratoga for the season, when,
| if the truth was known, they have only
| gone to sponge on their country friends.
"I'd like to 20 myself Not that care to
swim, but just 10 see people in the water.
| was there one year with pa and ma when
! 7 was A mere child. never realized before
how thin some women can get to be- l de-
| clare some of them could never keep their
| stockings up unless they used mucilage.
reckon it's all so about there being a skei-
! eton in every family. l saw lots of EN-
myself. 1t was too funny to see the wo-
men trying to swim. It's no use for wo-
! man to try to swim. She may he in the
| swim socially. but she can no more swim
than she can throw rock.
| "NVhy can't a woman swim as well as
! MANI" asked the old lady Indignantly.
! because" said Johnnie, very impressive
", Gin the first place, swimmer has to
keep his mouth shut. and, of course, a wo-
man can't he expected to do that Second
". YOU can't come any side-saddle bust
ness when you are swimming.
But there is no need of women learning
to swim. They don't go into the wate@ to
| swim" added Johnnie, after :. pause.
why, what do they go there for, John
nie?"
They go into the water to ca'ch the
swells, but not to swim. They go 20 water
| ing places to catch husbands. Ever since
Rebecca met Jacob at the well, mothers
have been sending their daughters to wa
| terng places for that purpose. Yes, there
| is lots of billing and cooinS at watering
| places. but the billing is done principally
| by h1iel men"
Matches are made IN heaven, Johnnie
said the old lady solemnly.
maybe so; but judging from the testi-
mony in the divorce cases, some of them
must be made in the other plac4 Lots Of
| them are made at the summer resorts. The
first thing a girl wants whan she goes t.
the seaside is one of those opaque sun
shades."
rs it so hot that they are in danger of
sunstroke?" asked the old lady, very much
surprised.
why, grandma, how much there is that
you don't know. The summer girl and her
| lover sit on the sand behind one OF those
opaque sunshades, and they are protected
from the rude gaze of the promenaders.
wish l could go to the seaside this summer.
At the same time. there are drawbacks"
Eyes, Johnnie; 1 suppose so"
Colonel Percy Yerger. of Dallas, went to
Saratoga a few years ago. got steerod into
a bunco game, blew in 200 head of cattle,
and had to wire for money to come home
on; but he came out better than old Judge
Peterby, of San Antonio"
What happened to him."
ale went to Long Branch, got mashed on
a widow woman with her face kalsomimed
and six children by her former husband in
the background. and married her. These
summer resorts swarm with designing fe-
males looking for idiotic individuals with
wealth They are thicker than red ants at
a picnic"
"You had better stay at home, Johnnie"
That's just what I'm going to do. Gus
De Smith, who goes North every summer,
says that you can't steal side glance at
porter without paying him dollar, and If
you stub your toe It is two and half. If
you buy a cigar It costs you seventy-five
cents. and they charge you ten cents for
match, and you can't stroll into the bar
room without running up against a saucer
faced dude. The butter is made In an iron
Kettle with fire under 1t, instead Of
churn, and the spring chicken is just about
as springy baby's India rubber teething
ring. You're right grandma, I'll not go
North, nor to Europe this summer, if you