The Monitor-register., 1896-03-06


your"
"No, I've never murdered any of them"
Chicago Record.
x*x
Bogg says that everything at his house
is done by rule-by the rule of three, he
explains; his wife, his wife's mother and
the hired girl.-Boston Transcript.
x*x
"'Tippleton's death was uutimely, was
it not2"
"Yes; 1t should have taken place at
least twenty years ago."-Chicaqo Rec
ord.
There's woman disguised as man."
"How do you know ?"
''She grabbed at her coat tails and
stepped off the car backward. y Chicago
Record.
She-"You know you would be Just as
happy if you didn't kiss me-"
He-"But do you suppose 1 am selfish
enough to think only of myself" -Reho.
both Sunday Herald.
x#4
$50 Burton wants to go to the Lsgisla-
ture, does he?''
eyes; he says he wants to find out if
there is any truth in all these bribery
stories. "-Detroit Meaos.
~
He-'If there is anything a woman
enjoys it is being a martyr"
She-"And how willing some men are
to help her enjoy herself that way
Indianapolis Journal.
x~x
She-"Dear mammals quite worried
about you. She says you looked so very
sober when you left home last evening""
He-"Ah, she ought to have seen me
when returned. "-Brooklyn Life.
~
A newly married woman's dinner table
always looks pretty, but it takes an older
housekeeper, with her best wedding china
smashed by time, to get up dinner that
tastes good.-Atchison Globe.
x*x
"Aren't you the same beggar that
gave half pie to last week ?''
II guess am, mum; but Pm willin' to
let bygones be bygones. 1t amt in my
heart to bear no malice. -LndSanapolSs
Journal
&*x
Master-"Don't you bother your head
about fame, Pat. 1t rarely comes to any
Of US till after we are de d."
Pat-"Fain, an Dim willin' to shtay
here and wait for IT'D YonEers Gazette.
**x
81 want to get a sheet iron night
shirt" said a sad faced man to the hab-
erdasher.
"Wha-what forP" gasped the furnish
ing goodsnau.
because my wife has habit of eating
crackers in bed."-M. 2. Mercury.
NV
Parrott--"I hear that young Gosling
married in haste; hope he'll not repent
at leisure.''
Wigging-"My dear fellow, he has not
money to afford leisure .'-Atlanta Jour-.
nal.
Nv
Mr.. Insite, give the class your idea OF
optomist and pessimist."
"Yes, sir. An optomist is a man who
is happy when he's miserable, and pes
simist is man who is miserable when
he's happy. Chicago Record.
Willie-''Maw, we're going to have a
little masquerade party over at Tom
Stapleford's. How'd I better fix up SO
they won't know meP'
His mother-"Wash your face, DEAR
|-Eclipsed Exchange.
x**
Mary-'I shouldn't think you would
like to have the mistress read your sweet.
hearts letters to you."
Bridget-'And phwy should 1 moind
it? Sure, don't get her to stuff her
ears with cotton before she reads 'em ?''-
Fashion.
x**
Montague Seamside.-" Swell affair,
old man, isn't it ? We're a part of the
400 tonight"
Harry Reed with gloomy conviction)
Yes, and necessary part, too.'
Seamside-"How's that ?''
Reed THE two ciphers. - Nppss-
colts.
"Dickie, you must not play with that
little boy in the lower f1at-his family
isn't as good as ours.''
"Why, mamma, his family is heap
Detter'n ourn; he's got a cousin ats
crazy, an a brother ats in Jail, an
blind uncle, an a deaf grandma. p
Chicago Record.
**x
Workman-"Mr. Brown, l should like
to ask you for small raise in my wages.
have just been married."
Employer-"Yery sorry, my dear man,
but l can't help you. For accidents
which happen to our workmen outside of
the factory the company is not RESPONSE
BILE. Fsiegende Blctter.
**x
High-"What's the matter with you
this morning? You look as If you were
on your last legs"
Ill