The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-03-11
GOOD SHORT STORIES.
Mr. rIsCHER'S JOKE,


MR.. FISCHER'S JOKE.
The members of the House are still
laughing over deliciously funny JOKE
which Representative Fischer. OF New
York, perpetrated q week ago at the eN.
pense of Mr.. Gibson. OF Tennessee. says
The pension bill was under discussion.
Mr.. Gibson was speaking 70 an amend.
ment offered by himself Mr hor, GiDson 1,,rs .s
his fierce. Napoleonic mustache, ana an
opulence Of lung power which reminds one one
OF ex-Speaker Keifer. He was using this
lung power to its best advantage. The
1 volume OF sound which escaped from his
lips reverberated through the champer y,
trumpet topes and could be easily neata
in the corridors. He was emphasizing MS
, words with q series of violent geeticula-
| tions, which are the usual accompaniment
Of speeches on the Southern husttnRs. He
was fairly warming up to his subject when
MIR. speaker he exclaimed. II rise to
point Of order" III,
"The gentleman from New York will
state his point OF order replied the eha'r'
4 MY point is this" went on the New
4 Yorker. "A number of members on TINS
| side desire that the gentleman from TeE-
nessee shall speak louder; 1t is Impossible
to hear him in this part of the chamber.
Why, even the gentleman sitting next 10
him is not catching word; ~,
All this Fischer said with 1Ace as
grave as Roman Senator, dropping back
quietly as he spoke into his seat. The
House, which saw that Fischer was chai
interest. Gibson, who also realized that
he was being guyed. turned and looked
for u moment at the gentleman beside
him: AS he did Ids SO 1iss his race expressed nrs'
side him could not hear him. He was
sound asleep
SENATOR HILL, AS WIT
d According to gossiper in the Washing
ton Post, Senator Hill Is obtaining some
| reputation as a wit. His speech at the
l Grldiron Club the other night Is asid by
those who heard 1t to have been humor-
| Gus. Even In the Senate he has lost his
seriousness and appears to see the hulnor-
Gus side Of everything. In the debate on
the silver bill the other day he tripped up
the serious Mr. jones' of Arkansas. By
tying q rope across the legislative side
| walk and then made sport Of him while
lie amused himself next at the expense OF
Mr.. Tillman, and finally. as the debate
| was drawing to close on saturday, he
mimicked the venerable Senator Harris
as perfectly as Sol Smith Russell could
| have done II.
The Senator from Tennessee Is the Sir
Oracle of the Senate. and when he opens
his mouth no dog must bark. After an
agreement was reached about the hour
| for voting on the free coinage substitute
for - bond bill, Senator Harris arose in
| MS pace, MS ne commonly uOsS on SucH
occasions, and with a most impressive AMI
| important air, announced: 1.-The arrange
ment Is perfectly satisfactory to me.
Then he sat down with cons,,ouarErs ,,,
who sits almost Immediately behind Mr.
Harris, then arose, and In the same tone
OF voice. the same deliberate emphasis
and the same majestic sweep of his arms,
repeated: The arrangement Is perfectly
satisfactory to me also" The most ac-
complished actor could not have given u
~
and tone Of the Senator from Tennessee.
and Of course everybody laughed.
CORRECTED.
Counsel for the plaintiff in certain case
made use, during his aIsument, of the
word "brougnam." EXCUSE my inter
rupting you, Mr.. -" said his lordship.
but in the society In which l am accus-
broom and SO save syllable" During
his summing up. the Judge had occasion
to use the word omnibus. Excuse me,
m'Lud." broke In counsel. but in the so
ciety in which l am accustomed to move.
We pronounce that word bus and save
two syllables. s."--Pick-Me-Up
sIMPKINs AND THE GENERAL.
In one Of the Western campaigns Gen.
eral Earl Van Dorm rode to one of his out
posts to see IL his pickets were doing their
pickets seated on the ground with his MUS
| ket all to pieces, investigating Its work
ings. The following dialogue took place:
What are you doing with your gun all
to pieces?' said the General.
None OF your business" said the man.
"Do you know. who YOU are talking top
said the General.
| mo; nor don't care"
We'll, 1 am General Van Dorm, and You
should present arms and salute'
We'll, General, ] am Bill Simpkins. and
II you'll just wait till screw this old
| fusee together, l will give you the durnd-
| est salute you ever saw"
The General rode on and left the man,
doubtless impressed with the idea that this
oped.
ROLES OFF THE STAGE.
He wanted to be the advance agent to
precede "The Heart Of Maryland when II
lakes to the road next season. Manager
Max Bleiman did not like his looks or
his record and sought to discourage him.
oa haze I'VE TO disguise e yourself and
1 as u war veteran" remarked Bleiman.
The immaculate corner of the mans
natty collar dropped trifie. his face
flushed Indignantly and his voice bee a me
husky.
Next thing you managerial want" he
retOrted. hotly. zig for a gentleman to dis
| try as war mule" ~
Hardly as bad as that answered Blei-
war mules to disguise themselves and bio "
into this office as advance agents"
APosTRopHE TO AN ORPHAN MULE.
Bill Nye, in Boomerang.
o. lonely gentle, unobstrusive mule!
Thou standest idly 'gainst the azure sky,
And sweetly. sadly singeth like a hired
man.
Who taught thee thus to warble
In the noontde heat and wrestle with
woe?
Who taught thy simple heart
| 70 nenf-un yyiIdlv- rrfny yasfa
The silent air?
chide thee not. because thy
Song is frausht with grief-embittered
or wild. imported melody, for thou
| Art restless, woe begirt and
| Compassed round about with gloom.
Thou timid. trusting. orphan mule!
Few joys indeed. are thine,
Thou hrice-bestricken. madiy-
Mournful, melancholy mule.
And he alone who strews
| Thy pathway with his cold remains
| Can give the recompense
or melancholy woe.
He who hath sought to steer
| Thy timber. yielding tail
| Feminist thy crupper-band
Hath given thee. joy. and he alone.
| 'Tis true, he may have shot
Athwart the zodiac. and looking
| Ger the outer walls upon
The new Jerusalem,
| Have uttered vain regrets.
Thou reckest not. Q. orphan mule
For II hath given thee much joy,
Round about thy bursting heart.
And held they fotterins reason
| To It's throne.
Sing on, o mule and warble
In the twilight gray,
| Unchidten by the heartless throng.
Sing Of thy parents on thy fathers side,
for the DAYS ,Sese past and
Limping lines to thee
Doth bid thee yearn. and yearn. and