The Portland daily press., 1896-09-19
FOB POKER AN BIKE.
Toots On the Thompson Street Bicycle
Clubs Mission.

Clubs Mission.
Eules- For Riding the Wheea-The Virtue
~ n Fat Man as q Cushion--Whst TO Do
On nIeeting a Cows Brother--New Poker
Ruies.
"Gem'len, '"said President Toots as he
taDned the club to order, ''yo' am all awar,
of de faok dat dis am combinashun club
Apoker an bike mixed in about eoua]
quantities Oar am rules to govern each.
howeber, an it won't do to git 'em mixed
up. Fur dis reason hev drawed off an
had printed de rules applyin to each. De
rules to govern when out on de- bike am az
follows:
sit erect, wild eyes to de front an de.
farmined look on de face.
Don t attemptto pass between de bosses
an dedashbo'd Of street kyar
Pay no attensshun to brickbats, ash
cans, cabbage heads an fence rails thrown
aroer 70 by de enivous an jealous minded
populashun.
avoid runnin ober pedestrians If yo
Kan. put when 20 can't avoid it pick out a
lat man an pull de throttle wide open. A
fat pusson allus acts as cushion fur de
rebound
DE gineral rule am to keep to de right,
but II dar am house in de way don't be
obstinate
''When two bikests am about to meet
head on, dar am two rules to apply. Yo'
kin either jump off an go into de highest
saloon an take mint julip frew q straw,
or keep right on an knock de odder feller
fo'teen feet high an smash him all to
squash.
"f yo' meet COW when ridin in de
kentry, yo' kin turn to de right or de left
or go right ober her, jest as yo' please. II
1T happens to be de cows brudder, stead
OF de COW herself, de rule am to dismount
an climb tree an wait for him to git tired.
when yo' look ahead up hill an see a
farmer an his two sons waitin fur yo'
armed with scythes, con cutters an sled
stakes, de rule don't say zactly what yo'
should do. Dis gives yo' show to turn
off into de woods an look for chestnuts.
lone quick, sharp ring OBJ de bell means
danger to beer wagon If itdon't git outer
yo' way.
Two rings am summons fur de street
kyar to shet off steam an cum to sudden
tceoo
Three rings means dat de feller crossin
de street Wild his hat on his ear an his feet
steppan high am right in line wild yo'r
wheel an If he don't git up an hump his
self he will be invited to surprise pa 'ty.
A continuace dingi ding! dingI dingl
OF de bell, accompanied by wavin of de
left hand in de air, signifies dat yo' has
got tired Of ridin in de street an am gwine
ito take to de sidewalk, an dat it will be
Jest as well fur de enthusiastic popula-
shun to hunt fur doahways
The president announced that he hoped
TO soon perfect the following improvements
to the bicycle:
An attachment which will lift a man g
cap of his head when he meets female
and replace it again after she has passed
on. 1t Will make no distinction between
homely and good looking girls, and there
VIII be no color lire about It,
An attachment to caste moose over
dogs head and swing him in behind the
bike When he has been dragged 100 rods
and has made up his mind that 1t is alive
and dangerous, the moose opens, and he ID
allowed to go on suspended sentence.
An attachment to hold and operate a
Squirt gun containing at least one gallon
OF water This is for offensive and defen-
eive operations against the small boy who
wants to snove a broomstick between the
spokes to see bow quick bike can stop.
An attachment to be fastened to the
front wheel which will go ahead and look
for tacks and pounded glass, pick up lost
wallets and diamond pins, and sound the
depths Of all mudholes not over ten feet
deep
"Gem len, - said President Toots as he
laid box of poker chips on the table,
"dar ana poker an poker. Oar am poker
whar ftrsh beats straight, an poker
whar straight beats a flush an robs de
widder an de orphan. 1 has played poker
whaF three jacks knocked out a full house,
and has played poker whar q full house
scooped in $40 pot ober fo' aces We
must hev sartin rules nn stick to 'em, an
dem rules will be as follows
De value Of de hand will be ace high,
one pa Z, two pairs, fushs threes, straight,
fun house, fours an royal flush
De man who stands pat can bluff de
man wid TO- aoes il he wants to, but if he
gifts busted all to squash dat's his own
lookout
''Dar viii be no limit as to bets Dis
will enable q pore but respectable young
man who may hold royal flush to rake
in house an lot an q bushel of jewelry at
one swipe
tAll queshuns in dispute to be left to a
committee of three, an should any mem
ber OF dat committee be found wild three
kings up his sleeve or TO- aces down his
bootleg excuses won't go an previous good
character won't count fur shucks' y
M. QUAD.
Her Way.