Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1896-09-06
.,, ,pLrR A JOYOUS, GENIAL
uosr N BACHELORS HALL
Mn THE GIRLSAT The ROOF GARDEN.
..rnri.cd There Were No vegetables
growing on the FI"ce-"s "o"
c,orlfV-How Greatness Was
Thrust Upon Him.
Richmond. September 8, 1876.

aud SwectCr stll TO lie IN peu hot
,.,et inches 200 short FOR my shape.
,f,tsl ufe has taught me many things.
q. has likewise taught the proprictors
,,o dealt with me many things; SO. on
,to whole. ny outing has been beneficial
e., ,se world in general and myself In
particular. Most thoroughly did I learn
5,-irr my vacation the necessity Of tele-
e-snhirr an advance my exact length
,,.sr horizontalzed. for at every place
visited The touches on which l reposed
were far too short to accommodate my
..-so, F.cht inches Of my feet invaria-
t,g frotbeI over from under my coverlets.
.-s made that portion Of my slumberlng
I'm fle constant prey OF predatory noe
.,,rsf insects. And then. too, l could
,.-,c~ oceustom myself TO the kerosene
i.~ns. and the knowledge Of their poor
eo-y.cos compelled me 10 abandon those
e-~iptursl readings which usually con
etftgto my last functions ere ] end the
day How my heart huttered Win oeiisnl
,.Arr i halted my cab at Penitentary
-.-rlce. and aUchted-the cynosure OF all
owes Re IL ever so eaten up with taxes
there's no place Ike home. Truly ana
f.s'lrcIv ola Byron (or was II Shakes
-.arer utter these words which nave
s.ace been set 20 waltz music.
Just before my arrival 7 had discreetly
-srsuaded my muIttudinous family 10 ac-
1srt tha faltering and sweetly half-toned
ora- OF hospitality Z om a rural friend,
v.r1ee faith IS free silver-such that ne
r-or believes 80 will cure his rheumatism.
rrs friend has been accustomed 10 spena
Six months with me at the drop OF
hardkerchiefs. and long since j deter
mined 10 exercise the lex talionis towards
Sim I told my people not 10 hurry home
and urged the boys 20 enjoy every com
f-rt they could procure at his expense.
A~l So. they being absent In land OF
milk end honey. I expected 10 md the
Ell homestead dark and gloomy. But IL
MAS not so when I arrived. Every room
was oblaza with lights, and lovely music
filtered through the brownstone chlnks-
"Tley have not gone quoth l 70 me.
How sweet to thus await the coming OF
The father. Little shining faces, lubTl-
Gated with turpentine soap, viii greet
papa. The fatted Shanghai cooked IN
batter. reposes on the festal board 10
crafty my thirst. Joyous will be the r.
onion" But IL was not so. The COOK
lrls.nformed as 10 the day OF my arrival
was giving a soiree In my parlors
When I futtered IN on this dusky So
c'al whirl a pandemOnium OF wool, wa
termclon-rinds. and musk ensued. My
re.ehbor's butler. who had just rendered
Beethoven's Sonata In + on my piano
collapsed rs though smitten on the shins.
and Lnywhite. an cX-laundress or ours
feu swooning upon the cuspadore. New
shoes. encasing rccalcitrant feet, creaked
q panlcky retreat as ] beheid jackson
Ward on a stampede. on all sides they
sprang up from the fower-beds OF the
brussels carpet and hustled pell-meu
NJ
nation was uncomfortable. ! would as
soon have thought OF refusing drink
as Of attempting 20 control Il. My eyes
dashed like gold plugs in ones teeth, ana
chewed the rag Of virtuous INDIGNATION.
The whole thing was an unspeakaple cut
rage on the Caucasian race, TO say no
thing Of the damage It caused the water
melon crop. To work me up 10 sim
further heat, and TO Danish their last
hone OF forgiveness. the miserable mis-
creants I captured confessed that Pokey
Barnes had not deigned 10 respond to
the cooks invitation TO attend the soiree.
The cook g now looking for en-
pigment elsewhere.
Just now I am keeping bachelors quar-
ters. and can smoke my pipe in the
rarlor without fear Of domestic strife
or q threatened divorce suit AT night
the boys drop around, and. putting their
tobacco smoke in the lace curtains, make
me feel single again. l shall write my
family that their health requires them TO
stay away as long as possible. The house
is not as clean as IL used TO be- but the
dirt IS luxurious in fits uncleanliness. 1t
IS a healthy sort OF dirt. suggestive OF
mans independence OF woman, and OF
bis entire capacity 10 live without her.
For button-sewlng purposes and as pie
manufacturers women 90 very wen, out
in the summer ! always find that their
health requires them 10 be sent away.
During the absence Of my fireside execu-
tive i keep In constant correspondence
with her. Every week she gets a postal
from me. Years ago she got eight-page
letters every day, but ink IS more eX-
pensive now. In my postals-or, rather
On them. for you can't get In postal
urge her 20 tell me exactly the date
o. her return home. but I beg her not
% hurry. / would not like for her 10
drop In on me Unexpectedly.
Since my family began rusticating the
club ctappies have moved round 10 my
house Last week they took me TO the
v00f-garden al the Jefferson. 1 did not
know the nature Of the performance. but
insunctvely ] led them TO a front seat
Never have I seen so many laces and
frlls as / did at this show. IL would
have put a Broad-sreet shop window TO
the blush. 10 say nothing OF those who
frequent Broad street. Two young ladies'
who had outerOwn their skirts by three
feet and q half and who wore red garters
below thclr knees, trlpped out and
smilingiy executed a song and dance.
They tr.led MARBLE of what they saw
and learned in Paris II what they
said in their lyric reCstals be 80. / don't
see why any men at all live In America.
IN the course Of their evoluticns and
revolutions they took occasion 10 fully
convince the spectators that everything
they wore was thoroughly Numbered.
They seemed 10 possess vague uncer-
tainty as 20 whether they should stand
on their heads or their feet and they
ylbrated between the two alternatives in
manner which excited me 20 request the
man in front Of me 70 exchange seats.
As soon as they would apparently decide
that their heads were the proper things
on which 10 stand, they would switch
or in another line and a moment later
they would poise themselves on their
respective toes. Their bones were un-
doubtedly made Of whale teeth. while
their constitutions and bodies must be as
healthy as a man carrying a Sl00o 90 life
insurance policy. j cannot refrain from
speaking I'm terms OF highest commenda-
ton Of their suspenders. which. unlike
most OF their other garments, failed 10
be in evidence during their whirlagigging.
To stand the strain 20 which they were
necessarily subjected, those suspenders
must have been the modest Romans OF
them all"