St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1896-01-13

that happened more than $50 years ago
returned my critic.
Il was told when in WATERFOWL last
fall that that man had never been able
to come into town since"
HIS DIVORCE JOKE.
Mr.. Depew always goes loaded for
bear in the shape of critical duchesses
and countesses who think it incumbent
upon them to sneer at America.
When 1 meat that class the CONVEX
sation goes something lie this" said
Mr.. Depew:
g Is it really true, she asked. that
your divorce laws are so dreadfully lax
that American courts sometimes grant
divorces in half an hour? / have been
told so by people who have been in
your country
told not by your own countrymen VITO have
been in America. but b.. Americans who de-
light in shocking the English people by out
rageOuS stories about the United States. I
know of only one state and one town in my
country where the divorce laws are fright
fully lax as they describe. That is a small
town in Indiana.
There are two great American railways
which have very luxurious trains. These
are fast trains. which We call limited ex-
presses One of these trains passes over tie
New York Central railway, Of which l have
the honor of being president, and the other
over the Pennsylvania system. II is
tOIiitIS, L DeNeFe, one nal1 nOur before the
limited express on the Pennsylvania road
reaches the town l mentioned for the con-
ducior, or guard. as he is called in Britain, TO
announce that the train will stop half
hour at the next station for those desiring to
obtain divorces and that the court house is
at the right of the station and directly across
the street.
avail themselves of this pc from matr.-
mony that the Pennsylvania limited express
is never without patrons. Sometimes. II In
dIy-nr ha- hnn h.
husband and wife they travel together il
the greatest luxury and good will imaginable.
and where either party intends TO marry
again II is, believe. not uncommon for the
new bride-elect CT bridegroom-elect to ac-
company, as third party, the two persons
about 10 obtain divorce.
. The court is always in session when the
train arrives. SO that the petitions may be
filed. cases argued ard DEGREES entered we'll
within the limit of the half hour which the
railroad allows. Clergyman has his Office
next door to the court house, that one,
and sometimes both, of the divorced persons
may be united to others seeking conjugal
rage has been dissolved So AT the end OF
half an hour the Chicago limited resumes
its fight West. and the couples who have
come to be divorced have taken their part
ners and are already of on their second
honeymoon.
1.-The duchess throws up her hands in hor-
ror and says.
:" a civilization which permits such out
RACES as that is simply dreadful"
ONE OF THE SOUTH
Mr.. Depew has large collection of South
ern stories, of which the following is his
favorite:
Il went into hotel in Georgia and said to
the clerk:
Where shall | autograph
. Autograph gasped the clerk.
Yes sign my name, you know
" oh, right here.
81 signed my name in the register. In a
little while in came some Georgia crackers. >
One of them advanced to the clerk
"'Will you autograph asked the clerk
with smile
beamng. What's yours, felloes?' turning to
the other crackers.
THE clerk treated with good grace. Then
he learned back and glared at me. felt
sorry for him. and was somewhat conscience
striker.
q Too bad, 1 said; this is what comes
from speaking a foreign language in one $
own country.
HIS ELECTION EXPERIENCE.
When Mr.. Depew went TO register just be-
fore the late election, the inspector, in ac-
cordance with the personal description
law, a1ked him the ieoler OF his hair.
Nearly white and very little of it, was
Mr.. Depew's rejoinder.i ii1ea
THE TRAMP WAS SUSPICIOUS.
A ragged and bewhiskered individual stop
ped Mr. Depew on Fifth avenue and asked for
a dime He was given quarter, and, after
thanking Mr. Depew said
Mdy l dSh WIZ you are,
In a rather confidential tone Mr.. Depew
replied:
Il am Grover Cleveland, president Of the
United States and who are your?
Me-, said the mendicant, in tone of sur
prise and disdain, Pm Chauncey NJ. De-
pew president OF the New York Central
railroad"
DOES NOT SMOKE NOW
Some paper recently said that Mr. Depew
was an artistic cigar smoker. Another pa
per took the matter up and declared that Mr..
Depew never smoked: This clash OF opinions
led to the making Of an inquiry Of Mr. De-
pew. His reply corroborated the statement
made by both papers He said:
Il never smoke now. but there time
when an inyeteratej smoker. | used
to smoke ten or twelve cigars day. / found
that was too much, and SO had to quit.
When a man begins to lock after his health
he finds lots OF points he lad overlooked be-
fore. As for the time when | did smoke. /
think the newspaper which said |
tistic smoker was about right. When | ae-
quiz ed the art / became master of it. / do
not intend to enter upon a long dissertation
upon the merits or dement's of nicotine, but
| must say that it is bad for me now, though
| did enjoy IL once.
gave up the weed of my own volition No
young woman with a yearning to reclaim
manhood from evil ways mad the credit of
this reformation. ] still take cigar in my
mouth and chew it, and that reminds me
of a story told by a friend while ! was in
the South recently. He had to give up
smoking the same way lnat ola. lie. ike
myself loved to chew at a cigar. but found
that in chewing the end of a cigar for
long time saliva worked through and this
was unpleasant He then remeded the
matter by placing the Clipped end in his
mouth. One day come came to his
grown son and told him he had better look
after his father. The interested friend said:
L saw the old man down town so drunk
that he was chewing the lighted end Of his
cigar.
3This settled the matter for him. He now
chews a cigar straight not at ALL"
HIS CHESTNUTS.
Once in a while Mr.. Depew is accused OF
making a break. At dinner given some
years ago in celebration hdss Of the judiciary
did not go to the Lenox Lyceum until
nearly midnight, and he saw at a glance
that the 500 lawyers and judges were in
humor to relish a few good stories rather
than set speech; so he started in with that
idea.
He hadn't gone far when each diner looked
at his neighbor in incredulous amaZement.
There were present some who had never
heard the doctor before, and they asked
themselves II he the brilliant and witty
and original Depew The doctor tell
ing a story with information and facial play
that said very plainly: Now this is a good
one am giving you You don't want to
miss the point" As a matter Of fact it was
such a dreadfully mouldy old yarn that it
was generally thought the legal chestnut
bell, at any rate, had tolled for its burial
long before
1t was a story that the lawyers used to
consider peculiarly their own. 1t had to
do with a member of the profession whose
name was Strange 1t may not be quite so
familiar to the general public as to the law
yers, and may as well be set forth here TO
serve as warning to future after dinner
speakers Counsellor Strange and his wife
are supposed to be having a conference as
to the things he wishes done after he has
departed this life.
II want a headstone put over me, my
dear" says the lawyer, with the simple
inscription: Here lies an honest lawyer
The wife expresses surprise that he does not
wish his name put on the headstonne.