The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1896-04-26

Pictures from the Lives of Common
Pe0ple-By One of Them.

"a Too True Story.)
He was gawky, sandy and long-necked; he
was bow-legged and limber-jointed; in short.
he was a man whom nature never intended
for dress parade, and he knew 1T. Only one
person besides his wife ever said he was
handsome, and that was a spinster who had
had poems accepted by magazines, and her
opinion was hardly worth the atmosphere
used in expressing it. And yet, when our
friends lodge was to have a reception, ban
quet and ball, his wife urged him to wear
a dress suit. In a moment Of groundless
vanity he assented and rented a full even
| ing dress outfit. Then his troubles began.
When he tried on the suit at the clothing
store the coat lapels flared and wrinkled the
shoulders. Accordingly, the accommodating
salesman pinned the lower corners OF the
coat front to the bottom of the vest. The
latter garment had an unusually large OPEN
ing in front, the whole garment containing
just enough goods to make a watch guard.
When he got the whole suit on ne felt like
anything but a happy man, but the feeling
would wear off he told himself. IT never
did. When he bore the precious bundle
homeward he was prouder than many men
who owned dress suits instead Of renting
Ethem.
II VII WClFt ~ O.
the husband to the glories of his dress suit.
After a violent and manful struggle he sue
ceeded in getting into the trousers. He
owned no patent feathers, and his calf-skin
shoes, with a coat Of liquid dressing that
refused to shine over ordinary backing.
looked as If they had been dipped in ink.
This domestic finish added nothing in the
way of comfort. Then came the shirt.
Just as he had got that freshly-laundered
garment well adjusted a cold perspiration
broke out all over the victims person as he
noted the narrowness of the bosom. A hor-
rid possibility he dared not even mentally
express dawned upon him. But it was the
only clean shirt he owned. Collar and q
three-for-a-quarter white bow were the next
essentials. and then that dreadful horse
collar vest! 1t was as he had expected. The
shirt bosom was two inches too narrow for
the vest opening! He at last decided to pull
the vest down, narrowing the vent. and pin
the bottom to the trousers. ct was nearly
time to go. and heroic measures were neces-
sary.) But this made the waistband of the
trousers peer up over the top button of that
MISUNDERSTANDING vest. He shed tears and
would fain have done likewise with the vest.
He put a handkerchief there to hide the
waistband. That was better. The coat once
on. and duly pinned at the corners. he called
at the hair dresser's for his wife. He was
brave, beneath the shelter of his ulster.
When they arrived at the hall ard sep
arated for the cloak rooms all the pins
came out of his patched-up rigging. He
fastened in a carnation to hide part of his
unlaundered muslin. He also made the
cheering discovery that in festooning his
handkerchief over the ambitious waistband
he had made a grand exhibition OF the only
dirty spot on that cotton square. More ice
water perspiration; and he sank into the
nearest chair. AS he did so his vest front
spread. showing three inches of shirt and
a susDender buckle on each side of that
precious shirt bosom. He pulled the coat
lapels together and wanted to 60 home.
But there sat his wife, with pretty blue
| chiffon at neck and sleeves of her one sun
day dress, her hair nicely arranged, a huge
bunch Of carnations On her breast and a
peaceful smile on her face. She looked up.
caught sight Of the funny look Of suffering
on his face. and laughed. Then he was
mad. He felt that the wife and dress suit
were conspiring to drive him to drink.
This. dear reader. takes the man only to
9 o'clock In the evening. II was 1870 be-
fore his wife wanted to go home. The in
tervening period Is one of agony too deep
to be depicted with pen and ink. The next
full dress AFFAIR he attended he wore q pair
| OF light trousers, sack coat. black tie. tan
shoes. sat with his knees crossed and en-
We'd no man.
He bad been q man out OF his ;ement.
Under such circumstances all men are
miserable.
The Man Who Never Lived.
a Kind-hearted Satire)
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