The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1896-02-16
ALKALI IKE AND ms TOWN.
A Question as to Golf brings Forth
an Interesting Narrative.
From the WASHINGTON Star

From the Washington Star.
Don't know whether l enjoy it or not"
replied Alkai Ike. in response to the query
| of the guileless tourist, who was RAPIDLY
| accommodating an interesting mass of mis-
Information which ne intended incorporat-
| ing in lengthy manuscript to be read
| upon his return to Massachusetts, before
the Back Bay Society for the Dissemina-
| ton Of Useless knowledge. "Hain't never
tasted it I don't go much on these yere
fancy French drinks. anyhow; most of
EN- is heap too weak and pindlin' for a
grown man.
| Pardon me. but golf is not beverage"
said the tourist politely. 1T is a game"
II M Say it Is? reckon that's a boss
| on me, answered Isaac, magnanfmously
| ,Aw, wal, man can't be expected to
| suthin' about it; it's that thar walk
| around whurin the players rig up like
| scenery, chaSin' little ball with a crook
ed STICK. Eh-yah! hain't never INDUCED
IN no golf; hain't that kind of man.
T., t but, my my dear sir, Il is a great favorite
. hain't seem no pungent reason why
II shouldn't be; them people in the east
shore INDUCES in some mighty quaint and
fantastic freaks in the name of sport I'm
sanguine it's due to the way they are rails
ca; or nebbe it is in the air. They gifts
| relaxation out of pursooin' of a frenzied
bag of aniseed across the face of nature
| or playin' long tennyson or hurln' little
sacks OF beans at each other. But out
| we're IN the west we hain't that badly dried
/ out yet. Course we have our relaxations
put we don't indulge in no homypathic
| LiIVohtles. When We play airy game, you
! pct your neck it is a mans camel The
nearest thing to this yere golf doin's that
| we mingle in is what you might call the
merry Pa5Stime of progressive tar and
Tar and featheringr' exclaimed the
| tourist in establishment What nv dear
lellow l. never heard Of that-er-cere-
mony being regarded as a pastime 1t is
IN reality a punishment, is it not. and a
/ painful one at that?'
DEFENDS heap upon the position you
| clous narrator, cheerfully. IF YOU are
one of the parties of the second part. an
| not closely related to the party of the
| lrst part, you most generally feel that it
| IS indeed good to be thar But if Won
| happen to be the party of the first part
/ you are liable TO entertain symptoms that
are fadlcally different. I've had the pleas
| ure of otiiciatin in both capacities an
l speak by the card.
''One time, goin' on three or four years
/ ago, down in the Panhandle country /
/ becomes so popular with my fellow men
| that they whirl in an present me with a
robe OF the tar, buttoned on with a swip-
| IN brush and trimmed with hen hair
/ an trlumphantly escorts me out of the
| settlement on the top side of a saw-edged
ram. AW, wal, thar wasn't no speshul
features worth recallin' about this we're
| exodus, except that l got sorter shot up
| by near-sghted eastern sportsman who
| mistook me for a cassowar.y, or suthin'
! of the kind, an afterward fell ont az q
| tall tree in the midst of a Sunday school
picnic who We're eatin' their picnic dinner
! below. Some of 'em 'peared to mistake
me for the devil, an others didn't am 7
| made my escape while the SUPERINTENDENT
an the little boys were revivin' the mem
! bers of the young ladies' Bible class, who
! had very properly swooned 1t didn't
| amount to much, after all, but 1T was fully
year afterward before I laughed about
''Takin' all the tar and fetherins that I
ever mingled in l never lnowed but one
whurin the party of the first part got
much good out of It, except in the way of
an object lesson. This we're man I'm re-
! calm 'peared to glory in his shame as
! they say in stories. l fergit what we dec
GRATED him for, speshul; mebby it was
simply burcuz the regular tar-an' feather
| day had come 'round-which was every
| third Saturday, weather permittn'-an
! thar was nobody handy who was more
! deserVin. 1t don't matter now, anyhow.
His name was Hoon, an so we warmed up
the tar.
| orally speakin', bercuz Mizzus Lopdick
| the genial an accommodating landlady of
the Cosmopohton hotel, announced that
business was business, an she wasn't
goin' to denude no more piller ticks for
to array gents who wern't guests of the
hotel hot "a, Accordin', we rips up an old buff
tute for hen hair as you might think.
Wal, Mr.. Hoon is decorated all ac-
off a few well chosen remarks, and the
party of the first part defuncts in
southwesterly direction, kickn' the seen
cry behind him at the rate of about forty
miles an hour.
Some time next day, as he is amblin
along, he meets up with an Italian with
a hand organ cinched on his hump This
we're furriner don't speak much English
but he makes himself clearly understood
by hoppin' out of a gully and knockin
the tarred gent down with a club They
exchange compliments, poW-wow for a
spell an put up scheme for conquerin'
the world. The Roman had been bereav-
ed of his dancin' bear few days before,
an he organizes what you call a copod-
nership with the tarred man to act as
the late lamented bruins successor.
'Also he done it. The Roman warmed
his Teller conspirator up before bonfire
grated patches of jack-rabbit fur on the
places we had neglected to cover, an had
an elegant bear that hadn't never been
duplicated in the history of the world
! The tarred man was plenty docile an
cunnin', an after a few lessons, he danced
| a hirangaho to the inspirin' strains of the
organ that made the Roman throw UP his
hands in admiration.
oval. durin' the next two weeks or so
them conspigators drifted around from
one settlement to another, creatin' Juror
whurever they appeared an simply coin
ed money, speshully from tourists from the
east, VINO wasn't intimately acquainted
with bears nohoW an admired this we're
one exceedingly for his omplishments
I reckon, likely as not. the cODOdnersbir
would have been eXistin' yet if the man.
bear hadn't got purse proud with pros
perity an become too high toned for his
business.
"He insisted upon havin' tail, an he
wanted it to be a long one. The Roman
took a day off and reasoned with him,
sayin' that since the foundation of the
world thar hain't never been no bears with
tails. The man-bear swore he didn't give
awhoop for precedent; this yere present
Annie Domerni was the age of progress,
by jing an he'd have tail or he wouldn't
dance another lick. He knowed his rights
an would stand up for 'em to the bitter
end let the chips fall whur they happened
to- No TAIL no beari
AN so they parted the Roman losin'
his bear but retainin' his self-respect an
the tarred man goin' on the hunt of a tail |
His record is plenty brief after that He
gifts his tail, but only finds himself mock |
an a laughin' stock. He can't git along |
successful without his business manager, /
an goes to ruin prompt an unanimous |
draggin' his tail behind him.
AN thus passes off from the map an |
is gone like a puff of smoke. An that is |
the last 1 ever hears of the naughty man. |
bear"
Its all right, we suppose, to say that |
a man is homely enough to stop train, |