davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
HUMOROUS.

Il
-~And will you love me eternally r.
DIFFERENTIATION can you ask such .
| question? always love eternally."-
Fliegende Batter.
-Yeast-"Did the colonel draw his
sword in defense of his country r.
Crimsonbeak-"No: only pension
Yonlsers Statesman.
-Mother-"And are you sure that he
loves your" Daughter-"Of course I
am! Can't see how he stares at me
whenever I am not locking at bim ?'--
Fliegende Batter. fl ~ M
-Binks-"There really is some honor
about thieves" Waglets - Flows
that?" Binks-"A burglar tried to
break into my house last night. fred
at him." Waglets--''Well2" Binks-
with keen sense of the obligation I
had conferred upon him he promptly
returned the fire."-Cleveland Plain
Dealer.
l-Inquiring Tourist Tin an Oklahoma
restaurant)-"This is = novel idea Of
yours, surely, calling your guest to din
ner by firing off one barrel of your
shotgun. But, pardon me, why do you
discharge only one barrel?" Proprietor
Early Bird Restaurant-'T keep the
other bar'l to collect payment for the
dinner with. "-Har per's Bazaar.
81 Mr.. Higgins and Miss Dimple had
been discussing marriage in an i'm
personal manner, when the young lady
announced her preference in this way:
THE man marry must be handsome,
talented, amiable, courageous, and with
out fault of any sort whatever" This
is very sudden" replied Mr.. Higgins.
81 thoroughly appreciate the honor you
confer upon me, but you will give me
week to consider, suppose.
per's Bazaar. q, p. .r.. .'.5
Not Up to Expectations. = City
Nephew-"Suppose. we try an omelet,
Uncle Jerry. That's one of the special
ties at this restaurant" Uncle Jerry
(from Upcreek)-"All right. That'll
suit me as well as anything" City
Nephew Ito the waiter)-"Bring us two
omelets." Uncle Jerry "a few minutes
later)-"I don't know what you've got,
George, but they've brought me some
baked custard 'thout any sugar in it"
Chicago Tribune.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

center, every curve and sag on the di-
vision-consequently the officers put
no limit upon the speed of the train,
but leave it all to the good Judgment of
the engineer. twas 4 clear, dry day in
the early autumn, the very best time of
the year for fast run, and "Old Sam"
has been gauging his speed for so miles
back so as to hit Coyote spur on the
dot, and break the record for fast run
ming ON the AllSali division.
BY the rules of the road five minutes
were allowed for the variation OF
watches, but the rule is not always
wholly respected, and as the man on the
special was known to be a daring driver
the sewing machine crew saw that they
were in close place long before the
smoke of the approaching locomotive
was seen, Now they had barely five
minutes left and Nothing for the varia-
zion and the coveted siding four miles
away. II the opposing train failed to
respect the ''fiye-minute rule" she
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

"Perhaps," said the colonel, "there
was not when we went down, but there
is now, for saw locomot tive standing
there"
The conductor laughed as the super
intendent had done, but the colonel
offered to risk a case of champagne that
he had seen no "gnost" train, and the
superintendent took the bet as the
easiest way of settling an argument
which was about to become embarrass-
ing.
/ When the special reached Green river
the party went into the eating house,
where supper had been ordered, and, as
was the habit, the colonel sat at the
same table with the train and engine
crew. .t. ......... ....
"What did you shut off for just this
side of Coyote spur, Sam?" asked the
colonel, looking the engineer in the eye,
and instantly the eyes of the whole
party were upon the drivers dusky face.
The engineer was speechless. Not
that the circumstances had escaped his
mind, for as matter of fact he had
thought of little else, but he knew not
how to answer. ..... ..I .
Did you think that engine was on
the main line?" asked the general man
ager, noticing the embarrassment Of
the engine crew. ...
"What engine% asked the engineer,
trying to look and speak naturally. ..
There was only one engine there
besides your own" was the coloners
response. "Will you be good enough
to answer my question:"
'Well," thought the driver, "if I've got
'em the G. Ms got EN-" and he an
swered: 81 did think she was on the
main stem"
what did you think, Harry?" asked
the superintendent of the fireman, who
was staring at the engineer. The fire.
man only closed his eyes and shook
his head slowly, as though he consid-
cred them all crazy, and his long lashes,
dark with coal dust, lay upon his newly
washed face like the !ashes of chorus
girl.
"Did you see anything on your side?"
asked the colonel, who was determined
TO unlock the lips of the fireman.
'Not thing" said Harry. Il don't
believe in ghosts"
ut will not be necessary for you to
take out 60 Gan accident report), but
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
The Obstacle to International Arbitration.

The Obstacle to International Arbitration.
The real Obstacle in the way of in
transitional arbitration is not so much
a lack of efficacy in the method, as the
lack of a disposition to try it. The sys-
tenn of arbitration necessarily presup-
poses that nations desire an amicable
adjustment of their differences. Such
an adjustment may be prevented either
by wilful opposition to it, or by the
adoption of q style of controversy
that renders argument impracticable.
Against such obstacles it is difficult to
contend, since their direct tendency
and effect is to bring about collision
before an arbitrator can intervene. It
is obvious that arbitration can no more
afford an absolute safeguard against
such contingencies than can system of
municipal law absolutely prevent men
from attempting to settle their differ
ences by fighting in the street,
if they desire thus to revert to primal
conditions. Yet severe penalties,
strictly enforced, may reduce such
chances to a minimum; and it is con-
ceivabie that scheme of international
action might be devised so compre-
hensivc as to render a resort to war ex-
ceedingly difficult and hazardous
Century.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
A Delicious Beverage.

When grapes are plentiful a most
delicate and delightful beverage may
be obtained by pressing the juice from
the grapes. Little presses are to be had
for the purpose. But many grapes arc
necessary to make this delicious drink.
Thus created, the useless seeds, skins
and pulp are prevented from burdening
and taxing the digestive apparatus;
and nothing can be nicer than this
fresh, rich, grape juice
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

wish you would tell me what you saw
and how it affected you," said the gen.
eral manager, addressing the engineer.
MAY I ask you first if you saw any
thing, colonel?" said the driver.
~ saw locomotive standing on o
spur or siding just east of Coyote"
'When 1 saw her first said Sam,
taking courage from the colonel's con-
fession, "she was bang in front of US
coming out of cut like ball out CT
cannon. 1 saw it was all up with us,
but naturally shut off-mechanically,
so to speak. think hooked her over,
but l didn't whistle, open the sand
valve nor set the air-they want no
use-no time-but just then thought
of little Sammie as 1 saw him last,
hangin' on the fence by the seat Nv his
pants, an it seemed to me that l never
see anything quite so funny, and I
laughed that hard that the tears came
in my eyes and blinded me. Then the
thought came to me that, we, were
long time coming together, so 1 looks
ahead an there want thing in sight
I asked Harry if he see anything an
he lied an asked if see anything an
1 lied, too, an opened up the throttle
again. That's all I know about it."
There was a noticeable increase in
the attention of the company, and Tim
Flarrity, the fireman, leaning low To-
ward the table, crossed himself and
yentured the prediction that theywould
have a head-end collision before they
reached the junction. 81 never see a
ghost train show up yet that didn't
mean something" he added, but the
burst of laughter that followed closed
his circuit, and he said no more.
Now the agent came in with num-
Der of messages for the superin-
tendent, and as the official began read
ing the first of the lot he began to
smile.
"Read it out" said the colonel. "Per-
haps it will tell us something about
the ghost The superintendent read:
Engine 81 is off the track and near
ly off the right of way 1000 yards east
of Coyote spur, but still on her feet"
That explained the ghostengine. At
the instant when the engineer shut of,
the Sewing machine" just then round
ing sharp curve, jumped the track, lit
square on her wheels and went plow-
ing out over the hard adobe of the
desert. She rolled and rocked for a
few seconds and then came to a stop
with the engine men still standing in
the cab. The engine had ber, work.
ing hard and if the throttle had re-
manned open she might have made tho
curve all right, but the sudden relaxa-
ton of all her tension caused a jar that
threw her off her feet, but it was
lucky jar for her crew. ...
Since that time, however, old Sam
has been in hard luck. He has already
lost three legs. The last one, being
caught under an engine, was chopped
eff by the conductor with an ordinary
ak to prevent the engineer being roast
ed alive. Those who witnessed the
operation say that Sam rested on ono
elbow and smoked cigar while the
conductor hacked away at his ankle.
1t was a wooden leg.--AtlantaC onstitu-
ton.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
rHrRn /. mora Catarrh II this sect,nn 81

THERE II moro Catarrh In this section OF
the country than all other diseases put to-
gether, and until the last few years was sup
posed to be incurable For great many
years doctors pron ne II local disease,
stantly failing to cure with local treatment,
pronounced it incurable. Science has proven
catarrh to be a constitutional disease, and
therefore requires constitutional treatment.
Halls Catarrh Cure, manufactured by F. J.
Cheney a. Co., Toledo, Ohio, is the only
constitutional cure on the market 1t is
taken internally in doses from 10 drops to
teaspoonful. 1t acts directly on the blood
and mucous surfaces of the system. They
offer one hundred dollars for any case It
fails to cure. Send for circulars and testi-
monials. Address F. j. CHENEY & Co., To-
ledo, o. Sold by Druggists, 75c.
Halls Family Pills are the best.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
Spring
Medicine

Your blood In Spring Is almost certain to
be full Of impurities-the accumulation
Of the winter months Bad ventilation
of sleeping rooms, impure air in dwell
ings, factories and shops, over-eating,
heavy, improper foods, failure Of the
kidneys and liver properly to do extra
work thus thrust upon them, are the
primo causes Of this condition. It Il Of
the utmost importance that you
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
A SHINING EXAMPLE Of what

A SHINING EXAMPLE of what
may be accomplished by never vary
ing devotion to a single purpose is
seen in the history of the Mccormick
Harvesting Machine Co., Chicago.
For o5 years they have simply been
building grain and grass-cutting ma
chinery, and while there are probably
forty manufacturers in this line, it is
safe to say that the Mccormick
Company builds one-third of all
the binders, reapers and mowers used
throughout the entire world.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
Purity
Your BI God

Now, as when warmer weather comes and
the tonic effect CO cold bracing air In
~ gone, your weak, thin, impure blood
will not furnish necessary strength.
That tired feeling, loss Of appetite, will
open tho way for serious disease, ruined
health, or breaking out of humors and
impurities. To make pure, rich, red
blood Hoods Sarsaparilla stands un.
d. equalled. Thousands testify to It's
merits. Millions take it as their
Spring Medicine. Get Hoods, because
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
WHY CRIME FLOURISHES.
It Is Regarded as Honorable In Certain
Quarters.

It Is Regarded as Honorable In certain
Quarters.
was going in the recorders court
the other afternoon when met On old
woman coming out, and as she had a
happy look on her face L jumped to the
conclusion that some prisoner in whom
she was interested had been set at lib
erty.
SAY" she whispered, as she laid a
OBTAINING hand on my arm, did yees
hear what the recorder had to say to me
son Jimmy in there?"
mo, ma'am; I'm just going in"
"Ah! sir, it was something to make
the folks in Cherry street who have been
growing over me take back seat. He
talked to me Jimmy fur at least five
minutes"
''Is Jimmy your son?"
Hes nothing less, sir, and bewtiful
boy he is, too. He was arrested wild de
gang fur Robin a shoe store. The
folks in Cherry street, who are jealous
of me and Jimmy, you know, was tellin'
around that he'd get off with 60 days at
most, while the others would git at least
three years apiece. 1 couldn't sleep
last night fur fear they'd have some
thing new to crow over"
HAS Jimmy been sentenced?'
Indeed, he has, and not five minutes
ago. He walked in as proud as you
please and he never shifted leg while
his honor was talking to him. 1t was
his first time, sir, but if he'd a-bin your
brother you'd a-bin proud to own him"
What was his sentence?"
Five years, sir-five years at Sing
Sing, and that was q year more than any
of the rest got. They was from Cherry
street and it took 'em aback more than
can tell ye." ..s...
'And you are rejoicing because your
son has been sent to prison for five
years."
"Phist! It's proud and rejoicing
am to know that if he had to go his
honor took him for the leader Of the
gang and made it five years instead of
60 days. That makes him boy to be
looked up to, and I'll hear no more from
the Cherry street folks as was Boosting
that me Jimmy was only kid and
would be put to bed in the Tombs!"-
Detroit Free Press. ."@
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
Better Than Refined Gold

Is bodily comfort This unspeakable boon
Is denied to many unfortunates for whose
ailments Hostetter's Stomach Bitters is a
promptly helpful remedy. The dyspeptic,
the rheumatic, the nervous, persons
troubled with biliousness or chihs and
fever, should lose no time in availing them
selves of this comprehensive and genial
medicine. 1t promotes appetite ar nightly
slumber.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
A Child Enioya

The pleasant flavor, gentle action, and sooth-
Ing effect of Syrup of Figs, when in need of
alaxative, and if the father or mother be
costive or bilious, the most gratifying re-
suits follow it's use; so that it is the best
family remedy known and every family
should have bottle.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
Half Fare to Virginia and Carolina.

April 81 and May Homeseekers' Excur-
sion tickets will be sold from all points in
the west and northwest over the "Big -Four
Route" and Chesapeake and Ohio Ry. to Vir-
GINA and North Carolina at one fare forthe
round trip. s Settlers looking for home in
There they have cheap farm lands, no biz
yards, no cyclones, mild winters, never fail
Ing crops, cheap transportation and the best
markets. Send for free descriptive pamph-
let, excursion rates and time folders. q. l..
TRUITT, NV. p. A, pa Clark st. Chicago Ill
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

WAN-ED-Reliablc men to take the agency
for our pianos and organs in every county
notalready represented. Money can be made.
Only men of good habits who car give first
class references need apply. Address EsTEY
g. CAMP, No. 233 State ST., Chicago, III.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
Are You Going to Cripple Creek

The Santa Fe Route is the most direct and
only through broad-gauge line from Chicago
and Kansas City to the celebrated Cripple
Creek gold mining district. Luxurious
Pullmans, free reclining chair cars, fastest
time and low rates.
A profusely illustrated book, descriptive
Of Cripple Creek, will be mailed free Of
charge on application to G T. Nicholson,
General Passenger Agent, Chicago, or q
copy may be obtained from any agent of
Atchison, Topeka u Santa Fe Railway.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
A Spring Trip South.

On April and 81, and May 5, tickets
will be sold from principal cities, towns
and villages of the north, to all points on
the Louisville IL Nashville Railroad in
Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Florida
and portion Of Kentucky, at one single
fare for the round trip. Tickets will be
good to return within twenty-one days, on
payment of 81 to agent ut destination, and
will allow stop-over at any point on the
south bound trip. Ask your ticket agent
about it, and if he cannot sell you excur-
sion tickets write to G.. p. Atmore, Gen
eral Passenger Agent, Louisville, KY, or
]. X. Ridgely, N. w. p. A., Chicago, Ill
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

- FITS stopped free by DR.. Kline's Great
Nerve Restorer. No fits after first days USE
Marvellous cures. Treatise and 81 trial bot
tie free. Dr.. Kline, 93l Arch St., PhiIa., Pa
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

DID you write The n G. Hamilton Pub
Co., of Cleveland, Ohio, about their Life OF
McKinleys Better do so-chance to make
money rapidly
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

CoRRoBoRATED.-NewY orker-"Are Phil
adelphians as slow as New Workers think
they arew Philadelphia (surprised)-"Dc
New Workers think we're slow2"-Truth.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

''THoU hast pretty w.t." quoth the mon
arch. AYE, and q dry humor," replied the
Jester. Whereupon the king pushed the
button. Record.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

MISS DE PLAIN-"Doctor, what Is the Sc
cret of beauty2" Family Physician ICON
fidentially)-"Be born pretty."-N. Y.
Weekly.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

DE TANoUE-"You don't take enough ex-
ercise for II man Of your habits" Old Soak
why, 1 have been shaking dice for
drinks, all the afternoon" -Philadelphia
Record.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
McVicker,s Theater. Chicaro.

Monday, April Goth, Thos. w. Keene the
tragedian, begins his annual engagement of
two weeks. Seats can be secured by mail.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

81 NEVER destroy q receipted bill, do
you" said Bunting to Giley. 81 don't
think ever saw one," replied Giley.-
Amusing Journal.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

THE discovery of what is true, and the
practice of that which is good, are the two
most important objects Of philosophy
Voltaire q y =. G.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30
Schiller Theater.

Alex. Salvini begins tw weeks engage
ment April 25th. Do not miss seeing this
truly great tragedian.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

The Greatest Medical Discovery
of the Age.
KENNEDY'S
MEDICAL DISCOVERY.
DONALD KENNEDY, Of ROXDURY, MASS,
Has discovered In one of our common
pasture weeds remedy that cures every
kind of Humor, from the worst Scrofula
down to a common Pimple.
He has tried it in over eleven hundred
cases, and never failed eXceptin two cases
(both thunder humor.) He has now in his
possession over two hundred certificates
of its value, all within twenty miles of
Boston. Send postal card for book.
A benefit IS always experienced from the
first bottle, and perfect cure IS warranted
when the right quantity is taken.
When the lungs are affected it causes
shooting pains, like needles passing
through them; the same with the Liver or
Bowels. This is caused by the ducts be-
ing stopped, and always disappears In a
week after taking it. Read the label.
If the stomach is foul or bilious it will
cause squeamish feelings at first.
No change o. diet ever necessary. Eat
the best you can get, and enough of it.
Dose, one tablespoonful in water at bed
time. Sold by all Druggists.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

~ SHORE does hope" said Uncle Nose.
"dat dey will git dis heah new photograph
trick so fine by summer dat man kin tell
wedder melon is ripe. Jour
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

EVEN from the body's purity the min,
receives secret, sympathetic aid.-Thom
sOn
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

HE-"Do you believe in love at first
any kind of love. "-Somerville Journal.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

SILL kiss you for my sisters sake" -t
pray, don't forget YOURSELF she said.
! straightway took her at her word,
And kissed her for myself instead. .-
.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-04-30

THE measure of choosing we'll is whether
man likes what he has chosen.--Lamb
The Indianapolis journal. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1867-1904, 1896-05-20
CAUSED BY SCORCHING
TWO ACCIDENTS YESTERDAY FROM
CARELESS CYCLE RIDING.
Little Tessie Henschen Knocked
Down-W. Il. Lamb Suffers Through
His Own Fault.

Another illustration of reckless bicycle
riding was witnessed on South East street
yesterday evening. when Tessie Henschen,
aged four years. was run down and badly
injured by "scorcher.' The child was
playing in front CT her home, No. go South
East street. when she was run down. The
wheelman was a full-grown young man. He
was not using the handle bars, and carried
a banner advertising a road race of some
character. The victim was severely in
jured, and was unconscious for time. The
wheelman stopped after striking the child,
but refused to give his name.
W. E. Lamb. bicycle 'scorcher," was
coming down Pennsylvania street at a lively
clip yesterday afternoon. He did not slack
en- his speed sufficiently to have complete
control OF his wheel as he turned into
Washington street, and suddenly came to
grief. John III. Warren was driving young
horse. hitched to two-wheeled sulky Be-
fore Lamb could stop his wheel it ran be-
tween the horses hoofS and threw Lamb on
was walking Lamb would have been in
stantly killed. AS Ii was, the horse stepped
over his body without harming him. The
wheels of the sulky, however, passed across
him, and he was badly bruised. Lamb was
assisted to his feet by bystanders. Warren
alighted and gave his name and address to
patrolman Moore. He lives at 206 Dougher-
ty street. Those who witnessed the accident
asserted that Warren was not to blame.