Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-05-03
LAMENTs FOR FREE LUNCH.
Verses by One of the Victims of the Raines


detective was called Elsie because his real
name-Alois-was unpronounceable by the
freoucnters of the place. He used TO be
prosperous glassware merchant, but as
most of his trade was with barrooms, ne
cessitatins considerable libations on his
part. his prosperity did not last many
wears. He finally secured the job of guard
ing the free lunch. in return for which ne
received a stated number of schooners a
day, with enough small change for bed
at night and the privilege of sitting the
sawdust for nickes and dimes that drop
ped outside the bar.
AS the free lunch was displayed near the
door. and the huge piles of corned beef,
Aam. frankfurters and sauerkraut, potato
salad, picked cabbage. bologna ard Swiss
cheese formed tempting attractions for
certain impecunious individuals who ac-
cepted free lunch in all that the term i'm
plies, it was very essential that man Of
| discrimination should be chosen to guard
it, Elsie. with his practical experience,
was deemed fully competent for the job,
and for years he kept faithful guard
! bouncing the aforesaid impecunious indi-
viduals whenever they attempted to regale
| themselves without having patronized the
| bar
Elsies sense Of discrimination was APP
pealed to when hungry customer would
enter the saloon, sake his thirst with one
schooner of beer, and then endeavor TO get
the full worth of his nickel by making a
square meal at the lunch counter. After
the man had eaten one or two sandwiches,
accompanied by samples Of the relishes,
Elsie would side up and as the free lunch
fiend made for his third sandwich, the de
tective would crowd him out of the way
pretending that he wanted a sandwich for
himself Ordinarily the fiend would con-
tent himself with glare at the detective
and move off. Sometimes he would buy
| another schooner. but this would entitle
him to a corresponding amount of lunch,
which he could take without interference.
Occasionally. however. a persistent fiend
would present himself, and when Elsie
crowded he would crowd back, and the re-
suit would he a scrap, which always ended
with the bouncing of the fiend even though
Elsie did receive a black eye or bloody
nose Such trihes never bothered Elsie
II only made his appearance more fero-
cious, and one glance from Elsie with his
eye decorated was sufficient TO scare away
a fiend. When the police sent tip for the
discontinuance of the free lunch, Elsie's
sorrow was like that of the Indian chief,
who expressed his grief by saying:
"Injun's heart is on the ground
The free lunch detective found himself
locked out in the street al l o'clock a. m.
sharp and with his lodging house money
he started off toward the Bowery.. He
succeeded in finding a place where he
could get drinks. and he blew in all his
change there, accommodating, as he after
wards said, QUITE a jag. The following
night he appeared at Andy's with the rem
nants of his jag and a roll of paper under
his arm.
WAS hast du da?" inquired Lieut.. Har-
tung. lately of the German army, but now
bartender at Horns.
WELL der Fruhlingzeit is here and I'm
now poet" said the ex-detective.
Let me see.'' said the lieutenant.
81 0 night went off and sauffed until
I was drunk and then had dreams which
l wrote on paper. II you give me a
schooner I will show them TO you"
The bargain was made and Elsie's poems
were spread out on the bar.
Now we shall miss the flowin' bowl.
The flown bowl has flown the coop.
This was Elsie's first effort and the lieu
tenant grinned
Sing a song OF fipence
For pint of rye;
Papa has his little flask
And takes II on the sly.
Well. that's pretty tough. Are they all
like that?" asked the lieutenant.
"No. Here's a good one" said the ex-
detective. pulling out one Of the slips.
Well eat grass in tn summer, said the big
| free lunch man,
TIL cheese will not waltz any more wild tn
ham.
When / went down TO Andy's me case to
make known
The knives an tn forks are all covered
with rust,
When mans got no money. sure. he can't
But What will we do when the cold winds
do blow?
Wen have to eat snowballs, We'll have to
eat snow.
This one t!ckled the lieutenant, and he set
I'D another schooner.
Have you any more like that?" he
asked.
ex-detective.
It's farewell and Z hell
To tn luncheon so swell,
r hell wild tn fellow that chased II.
No bunchin' and munchn'.
And a-fghting for luncheon,
No more will the regulars taste Il.
That's better. Got any more?"
yep; here's an Irish one:"
Donahue and McCue
Ken from red Waterloo
An Fritz Won Der Snitz from tn Rhine,
W!d tn Floods and McFuds
Who ate Andy's spuds.
An Malone an McKeon and O'Brien.
| The old Bridge gang.
With their chaff and their slang.
| The Reubens from old Hackensack.
| The Pell street Chinee and the big Porty-
| To their homes every one has gone back
And here is a German one" said the
ex-dectective:
Will niemand trinken.
| So irinE auber ich
Bier oder vein
Allies schmeckt INNER fem.
| "Well, Elsie. that's enough. You can
| have another beer now. What are you 60
ing TO DO with the poems"
I'm going to sell them to some Of my
! newspaper friends said the ex-detective,
as he staggered out Of the door and wan
dered toward Printing House square,
New York Sun.