The Monitor-register., 1896-09-18

Papa-"A holocaust, my soa, is an eXl e.
rienced newspaper reporter working no
space and a small fire. Commercial
Ad0ertiser.
~
Brown.sI can't understand why you
should call the P. D. and @. Railroad an
air line; it's az crooked as Tsmmany lee
ton return s."
Blackwell, you see, it was bailt with
wind ."-ChScago News.
nv
Spratts-'Miss Elder is much oder than
| Thought"
Hunker-'Inpossib,e."
Sprat Swell, | asked her if she had
rea1 A,s)p's fables and she said she read
them when they first came OF t."-Lond0n |
ISd-BitS.
The peculiar thing about a flea is how
wildly you can feel him moving around on
you when he isn't there.-S0meTUiHe Jour-
nal.
x*x
The desira bility Of bonds depends on
whether you hold them or they hold you.-
TeG0s Sitter.
**x
eternal vigilance" shouted the orator,
"is the price of liberty"
The woman celebrates exchanged glances.
"That is the same price as last year'''
they remarked, and shrugged their shoulders.
Detroit Tribune.
Xxx
The wages of sin is death" quoted the
preacher.
eff that is the ~case," remarked Mr..
Grumps, soto voce, there is a great delay
in paying off some people l know."-New
York Herald.
every human being should do his
share toward uplifting the masses of his
f~ollowmen."
swell, done my share-I ran an ele-
vator seven years. Chicago Rscocd.
Nv
"Mrs. VI hin, it isn't true, is it, the
story the neighhors are telling that you
are FIVE or six years older than your
hush"
"Mrs. Brodweigh, there is only one
person living who has a right to ask me
that question:"
"For mercy's sake, who is it?"
Iii Hung Chicago Tribune.
x*x
"Mrs. %Smithers," said the new boarde or,
you ought to build a house."
"Where shall 1 build it?" asked the
unwary land lady.
"On the grounds in your coffee, Mrs.
Smithers," was the response. "There's
a half acre in my cup."-Hm per's Bazaar -.
x*
Clarence" she sighed, Economically,
"do something true, something BRAY We,
something heroic, to prove your love for
me-"
"Well, he faltered. but calmly, 81 nave
offered to marry you."-1H-B ii
~
81 can forget, but never forgive" NUT
tered the enraged husband.
This sounds the wrong way round, but
it was true.
He could never forgive his wife for
writing to a former sweetheart, but be
was able to forget to mail the letter.
New York World.
x*x
"We never lost a life on our line,"
Really?"
"Nope. One of our passengers lost his,
though. "-Balimore Life.
**x
Johnnie (the Office boy)-"Mr. Sands,
the grocer is down stairs, and wants to
know why You didn't answer his letter
about last months bill, sir"
Editor-"Tell him he forgot to enclose
a stamp."-New York Clips.
4 have another proof of my theory"
cried the moralist, gleefully.
What theory p"
THAT the world is growing better, 7
discovered yesterday that b have
stopped putting pictures in cigarette
packages. y Washington Star.
Xxx
Bashful Lover-"I-I fear l must seem
a very Sahara of dizziness this evening.
Miss Clara"
Self-P Possessed Young Woman (tired of
waiting)-"No, Mr.. Pankins, you are not
at all like a desert. You haven't any
sand. "-Chicag0 Tribune.
Nv
Shell hear you have a new bicycle
suit. George"
He-"Yes. Fellow sued me for $500
because I ran over him. "-DeroI Free
Press.
Nv
He-'1f l had known how sarcastic
you were l never would have married
you"
Sbe-"You had a chance to notice it.
Didn't l say this is so sudden when you
proposed to me after a two-years' court
ship ~ Cincinnati Enquirer.
x*x
"Your wife wears extremely fetching
gowns, Pinkerton."
"Yes, they fetch a bill collector to my
Offca ahout thraa t;maa woot >, |