davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
HUMOROUS.

Conductor - softly, softly, Herr
Muller. You are not expected to play
first fiddle with your big drum!"--
Fliegende Blaetter.
Deacon Jones-"So John Carvel IL
| among the converted?" Deacon Brown
Yes, but Carvel is without a past;
he won't cut any figure at praise meet
| ings."-Boston Transcript.
-Teacher-"What does h-a-m-m-e-r
spell?" Tommy-"Don'tkn know, ma'am."
Teacher-"What does your mother
drive nails with, stupid?" Tommy.
"a stove lifter."-San Francisco Wave.
Alas" exclaimed the counterfeiter,
"that should have imbibed of the new
art movement. If had not attempted
that poster effect, should now be free
man."-Detroit Tribune.
Mrs. De Stoile--"Did you enjoy the
opera?" Mrs. Fushion-"Very much.
We had box, and the B'Joneses sat
right opposite us in the circle. 1t was
Observation-Disclosures North Amer.
lean.
-Theater Manager-"Yours is the
best minstrel show we have had here for
ten years. Where did you get on to all
those new jokes" INSTRUMENTATION
of the end men got hold of file of one
OF last years English papers about
year go."-Sommerville Journal.
Indispensable. -"I don't think I
want cyclopaedia," said the woman of
the house, "but if you have got any nice
books for children" "Great Scott,
madam" exclaimed the unblushing
book agent. 1--WE use this cyclopaedia
for children's book at our house alto
gether. They sit on it at the table,
Chicago Tribune. -. .. 81.
"A Remarkable Child.-"comc, little
girl, tell me what is your name and how
old you are?" asked an old bachelor,
who was visiting the Yerger family.
The child holds back and refuses to
talk. Mother-"That's the way she is.
She never likes to talk to gentlemen"
"Humph! If she keeps that up, she will
make a splendid wife some of these
days."-Texas Sitter.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
Booths Message Scratched on Glass

On August 13, 1864, John Wilkes
Booth was playing a dramatic engage.
ment in Meadville, Pa. Upon his arrival
in the city that day he registered at the
McHenry house, then kept by a Mr.. h
M. U. Taylor, and after the perform
ance in the evening retired alone to his
room. When the servant entered his
room the next morning, after Booth had
left the hotel and city, an inscription
was discovered scratched in a large
hand on one of the window panes: ABE
Lincoln departed this life Aug. 18th.
1864, by the effects of poison" Little
attention was paid to the writing on
the glass at the time; but as soon az
it was learned that Booth had killed the
president the circumstances connected
with the window inscription were re-
called, the glass was removed from it's
sash, framed in a plain black wooden
frame, piece of dark velvet being
placed at its back to facilitate reading,
and the signature of Booth entered on
the register August 13 was cut from the
book and attached to the window glass.
The original pane is now in the posses
sion of the war department, to which
it was presented by the daughter Of tho
owner of the hotel, Miss Mary McHenry,
some time after the assassination of tn,
president. All of the circumstances in
connection with the glass are certified
to by Miss McHenry and by other resi-.
dents of NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. Louis Ma
SON in Century
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
PUTTING A MAN TO SLEEP.
Several Ways Described and No Two OF
Them Alike. #M

Them Alike. #
The man who has Just taken gas and
had tooth pulled while underits per-
suasive influence was sitting in chair
and rubbing the side of his jaw. After
the blood had stopped flowing, he I'M
bosomed himself adj libitum TO the circle
of sympathetic friends. g
II have now been insensible three
times from interesting causes" he be-
gan. "Once L was knocked out in a
glove fight, once was nearly drowned,
and this time have taken gas.'
What was the difference in the SEN
sations?" asked the man with the yell
low whfskers.
quite a good DEAL" answered the VIC
tim. II remember that when was
knocked out in fight that there was
absolutely no accompanying phenom-
ena except sudden red flash in my eyes.
A moment later L found myself sitting
on th-fioor while they were pouring
water on me. The back of my head was
aching where I had hit the floor, and
there was a scratch on my jaw, under
the ear. The other fellow had upper
cut me as [ ducked right-hander; his
wrist had caught my jaw, and that was
all there was to it. In ten minutes was
around as clipper as ever. The time
was nearly drowned experienced near
ly all the sensations, fancy, that come
to man about to die amid the waters,
and 1 want to say right now that all
this rot of the novelists about sweet
music sounding in the ears and the past
life passing before one and the death
being painless is an Internal lie. There's
no death more terrible. The water
PUSHES intonose and mouth, every breath
isa cutting. aching wave of liquid agony,
your chest seems bursting from the
weight of your lungs and the feeling is
enc of oppression and suffering from
the moment the first drop of water
surges into the throat to the time Won
die or are rescued. This time l have
taken gas, and the sensations are more
like what the story writer's say of
drowning. l had good time while in
sensible, and was just arguing over a
bit of land with neighbor when came
to and began to spit out chunks of
tooth. The after effects? Well, 1 have
pain in my gums and feel sleepy aud
shaky on my pins. 1 think will take
nap right now"
And the man who had just lost a tooth
began quiet slumber in his chair.-Chi-
cago News.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
He Answered the Question.

The following amusing passage took
place between counsel and witness in q
disputed will case:
did your father give you no parting
admonition?'
HE never gave much away at any
time"
II mean to say, what were mis- last
words?"
'They don't concern you" .... .
'They not only concern me, SIR" re-
marked the barrister, severely, "but
they concern the whole court"
"Oh, all right" was the reply. Father
said: Don't have no trouble when Tn
gone. Jim, COS lawyers is the biggest
thieves unhung.' "-Titbits.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
At the Wrong House.

Tramp-Please, mum, I'm starving
Won't you let me have postage staml
to lick?
Experienced Housekeeper-Why, Ger
tainly. My husband is just finishing ,
letter TO Bob Fitzsimmons, offering I,
fight him anywhere, at any time, fol
$4,000 side, Marquis of Queensberry
rules. Wait until he is through, ant
perhaps he'll let you put the stamp on.
Tramp chastity dcparting)-Thankct
Kindly, mum, but maybe / can git .
stamp at the next house without wait
iug.-N. Y. Weekly.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
hymn TO The CLOSING DAY.

Low sinks the sun. nigh Is the closing day.
The hazy mists rise thin and gray
Along the winding stream, and overhead
The purple clouds put on fringe OF red,
And dreamy. far-on hills stand glorified:
While over wood and snow-gowned meadow
wide
The whispering breeze. with It's thin voice
of air,
Through willow frill and snow-capped
covert bare
Breathes low anthem to the closing
day.
And. oh! setting sun, deem it not wrong
II I, too. chant 70 thee. in humble song.
An evening lay.
Oh, setting sun. thy work here nearly done.
How grandly endest thou thy daily run.
How gloriuusly sink down behind the hills.
Amidst the dreamy song of sleeping rills,
And drape about thee, fold on fold.
Thy purple canopies, now fringed with
gold, -.-u 100. E.-.'
How sweet and simple are the varied notes
That, mingled into one, arising floats
Far out to thee.
How grand thy sinking peacefully to rest
Upon Aerie's gentle, futtering' breast.
How grand to see!
Oh, closing day, now counted with the past.
How wondrous were thy works whilst thou
didst last!
And now how glorious is thy ending! Oh,
1T seems
Like some fair vision had seen In dreams
Wandering on some rare. enchanted shore,
Seen in my dreams, but never real before
Found here with thee. Thou closing day.
What are the words of man can say
What is like thee?
Oh, setting sun, how grandly dost thou sink
BEHIND yon hills and fold robe of pink
And gold about thee!
Walter NJ. Hazeltine, in Good Housekeep-
ing
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
Us, MIJIUT, he B
+ hemorrhage,"


ter than send you out with the note. I
think you'll be liked wherever you go.
Gee, you've got that ice-house stare Of
yours down pat. If you keep on spring.
in that you'll scare somebody one -
these days"
saw, let CO." said the boy in evident
disgust. when do 1 get to see tie fell
low dat sets here? Won't one O. youse
pay me?"
miller, pay the boy an let him go.
He amt had any cocoanut pie for nearly
an hour now, have you, Willie-or--
Claudio, mean. What is your name,
Claudie?"
whats it to your"
"Nothin' much, only I wanted to
know. You've kind o. won me out!
Here! Don't move! I'll bring the
waste-basllet over to you"
At that moment young Mr.. Hall came
in and said: "Ah, boy, have you that
note for me?"
''S-s-sure. Where you been at?
You're helva duck to keep kid waitin'
here. You've got % pay me ten cents
more"
Don't be saucy," said young Mr.. Hall,
severely.
"Aw, rats!"
"You amt mad, are you, Claudio ?"
| asked Artie, as the boy laboriously
moved toward the door, making noises
with his feet.
"Oh-h-h, but you t'ink you're kid
der" replied the boy, with a sour
smile.
look out! You'll step on one o
your feet there in minute"
Then they heard him so clump.
clump-clump out through the hallway
and away.
"Confound such boy!" exclaimed
young Mr.. Hall.
"Oh, he's all right" said Artie, "only
you amt used to his ways"
Hes tough enough" suggested Mil.
| Ter.
YES" said Artie, II wouldn't be as
| tough as he thinks he is-not for mil
lion dollars. "-Chicago Record.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

WONT ONE OF F., the lake for You
"Aw, go ahead, dat's right. Dere's
lots O. you blokies t'ink you can have
fun wit us kids"
Get next to the walk, Miller, get on,
get on!" exclaimed Artie, as the mes
senger boy moved over toward Halls
desk. On the way he stopped for a
moment and spat copiously into q
waste basket.
''He walks like he had gravel in his
shoes, don't hep" said Artie. "Look
at the way he holds them shoulders.
Amt he tough, though? It's safe
money bet he amt washed his neck in
three years." ..t
Some day you'll get too gay an q
guy'll give you funny poke" re-
marked the messenger boy, as he slow
ly settled into young Mr.. Halls chair
and again directed what was supposed
to be terrorizing stare at Artie.
what did 1 tell you, Miller?
Claudie's scrapper. He'd just as soon
give guy lump in the teet' as look
at MIN.
The boy gave sniff of contempt and
began an examination of the papers on
Mr.. Halls desk, picking up some of the
letters and studying them, his lips go
ing through the motions of reading.
Artie sat, with face ilIumined, and
watched the boy. He was evidently
fascinated by the display of supreme
impudence.
rs there anything we can do for
you?" he asked. "Miller's got some
private lettors you can read when you
get through over there"
Jaw, go chase yourself" replied the
boy, although he had some difficulty
in saying it. His cheeks were again
pulled out and he was casually looking
around for a receptacle.
Turn up your pants, Miller; he's
goin' to have another hemorrhage,"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

slowly along the
hallway and who
now entered the
room, leaving the
door open behind
him.
"Ain't he good?"
asked Artie, turn
ing to Miller, who
was gazing at rne
messenger with q
look of panied sur
prise in his eyes.
where's he at?"
-41l A.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
Religion and Business.

A great many people don't believe in
mixing religion and business, but such
people have no religion to mix. A re-
ligion which is only for Sunday, which
can permit six days of business to be
run on the devils principles, and which
gives reluctantly as favor to God
part of the Sabbath, is atheism. II
is not Christanity.-Rev. b. Fay Mills.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

don't like the other one very wen.
neither. I'll bet he'd be nasty boy in
a fight. I'd hate to run against him
late at night. Them messenger boys is
bad people. Guess what they train
on"
81 don't know" said Miller.
"Cocoanut pie. That's no fairy tale,
neither. Cocoanut pie and milk, that's
what they live on. I'll bet Claudio here
with the face has got about three cocoa
nut pies wadded into him now. How
about it, Claudie?"
Say" began the messenger boy, nod
ding his head slowly to emphasize his
remarks, I'D give t'ousand dollars if
had your gall"
"Thatll be all right. Keep the
change. BY the way, old chap, are you
lookin' for anyone?"
This was another surprise for the
boy.
"Yes-s-s, I'm lookin' for some one, ;" no
replied.
'Who it is is it?"
"W'y, tie fellow dat wears de win
dows in his face. / got note here for
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

. covered and Salu, sui
EfE' gazing at A e:
''S-a-y, you're havin' all kinds of fun
wit rue, amt you? Well, wat you
anything you say cuts no ice wit me-"
"You'd better smoke up or you'll go
out" suggested Artie. 'You was a lit
tie slow on the comeback that last
time. Get onto him, Miller; he's a
lookin' u hole in me-"
"lIe has n bad eye" said Miller.
"yes. an as the Guy says on the stage,
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

said Artie, and as
he spoke the boy
again spat into the
waste basket.
well, Claudio.
I've seen a good
many o. you boys.
but you're the best
ever" remarked
Artie. eff Halls
tryin' to win out
any South ride lady
friend l don't see as
l,n n1r11 IL Io4
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

hilli, anu he puIieu
it out vi his pocket.
81 o 0 k 8 Xix
you've been chew
in it. That's his
desk over there.
He got dead tired
O. waitln' for you
and went out to tell
the police you was
] o. t. I t h i n k
4 IN a VIZ n dranuips
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

Leasing is said to have begun
SARAH Sampson" at IS, and to have fin
ished it at 20.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

"A madcap ruffian, and a swearing
Jack, that thinks with oaths 20 face tina
matter ut.-Shakespeare.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
A TOUGH BOY.
BY GEORGE AIDE.

"Where's he at?" asked the over
grown messenger boy. who had dumped
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

pened. What you
been dom all day
-playiu' marbles
for keeps or stand
in in front of one
o. them dime mu.
seeums?"
Jaw, say; you
t'ink you're fly. Dat
young Teller sent
me all tie way to
forty-t'ree ninety
tree Callamet av'-
moo. l couldn't get
back no sooner"
"Who was it the
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14
WHERE'S lie AT?"


senger boy.
He seemed rather large and old to be
in the uniform, for there was a scrabble
of soft beard on his chin. His face and
hands appeared to have Eeen treated
with fine coal dust, his cap leaned for
ward on one side of his head and
whenever he spoke he had to make 4
new disposition of large amount of
chewing tobacco which he carried in
his mouth.
When he asked: where's he at?'
he pronounced it 'where'ce," and in all
of his subsequent talk he gave the IS"
a soft and kissing sound well prolonged,
to the evident enjoyment of Artie and
the mild wonderment of Miller.
"Where's who at?" demanded Artie,
adopting frown and a harsh man.
ner.
"W'y, tie four-eyed nobs dat sent me
out on tie sout' side"
Are you the same little boy?
Wouldn't that frost you, though. Mil
Ter? This is little bright eyes that took
the note for Hail."
"Aw, what's eatin' your" asked the
boy, giving a war-like curl to the cor
ner of his mouth.
"Oh, ow! listen to that. I'll bet
you're the toughest boy that ever hap
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

note was to?" RIGHT"
Ellis rag, l guess"
"Oh-h-h-h! His rag! What do you
think O that, Miller? Amt this
boy a bird Can you beat him? Can
you even tie him? Boy, you're all
right"
$50 are you-dat is, from vi head up"
"An' the feet down, huh? You're
one O. them Holy chez, Chonny, boys,
amt you? You're so tough they
couldn't dent you with an az"
lis dat so-o-o-o?" asked the boy, with
frightful escape of IS" and glare
such as he must have used to terrify
all the smaller boys at the call station.
IF was as tough as you are I'd be
afraid of myself, on the level"
"You t'inl you're havin' sport wit
me, don't you? l seen lot O. dem fun
ny mugs before dis"
'W'y, Claudio, wouldn't try to josh
you. j think you're nice, clean boy.
Amt you goin' to take off your
gloyesp'
Miller leaned back in his chain and
howled with laughter.
~ beg y'r pardon, Claudio" con-
tinued Artie. Il thought them was
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1896-05-14

gloves you mad on.
Gee, is them your
mits? ou' re a
b r u n ct t e, al MT
you?!"
T b G IN e ssenger
boy had been some
what taken back by
the allusion to his
gloves" but he re-
covered and said still
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1896-02-11

No new developments are expected
at Frankfort this week. Five boiling
Democrats still hold Blackburn's
election in their hands. Wessinger,
the Louisville fanatic, is the only
senator now holding out. He still
says he viii resign before he will
vote for the nominee. Ogilvie is
quite feeble and the Republicans re-
fuse to pair with him and are hoping
he may die or become disabled.
Many pairs were announced and the
last ballot was without interest. Car
Isle and McCreary may have ordered
the boilers to quit voting for them, as
all of them cast their ballots for Dick
Tyler Saturday. Secretary Gaines
sent out the 1886 minutes OF the K.
P. A. last week. The book is gotten
up in very handsome and attractive
style. 1t contains most OF the
speeches made, including some of the
"unspoken" ones
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1896-02-11
FITTED FOR CHINESE USES.
History of the Late War as Told by the
Mandsrins to the People.

"ahouHtS W N'C COPiS'
History is specially written for the
Chinese people by the Chinese au-
thorities The following, which is
the latest gem, relates to the affairs
consequent upon the cession of For
mosa to Japan. 1t comes on the au-
thority of the Fenchau-fu (ShansD
correspondent of the North China
Daily News, who says that the docu-
ment is being industriously circu-
lated in the cities of the province,
at 10 cents per set, illustrated;
''The armies of China and Japan
fought until the third month (of the
present year,. After peace had been
declared, China handed Formosa over
to Japan. Unexpectedly, the For
mosans did not want to be handed
over. The Japanese went there, and
their soldiers attacked them from the
fourth month till the last of the first
month. Formosa's commander in
chief, Liu, fought more than 30
battles. In word, the japanese did
not win single battle, but, first
and last, by strategy, Gen. Liu
killed 10000 Japanese soldiers and,
destroyed some 80 odd iron battle
ships and captured some 20 odd,
Afterward Japan sought help from
western nations---English, French,
American and Russian. Each coun-
try responded favorably the sixth
day of the second fifth month, Each
country and Japan had 80 iron
battle-ships and 30 or 40 wooden
ones. They were all filled with braves
80, 900 or 10000 and more. They
went to Traipehfu and Anpingkou
and fought battle. Gen. Liu,
by the use of strategy, began to con-
test 60 Ii outside of Anpingkou, in
the sea, on the 9th of the month,
in the evening. Suddenly fire started
up on the surface Of the water. The
foreigners made up, their minds that
they wanted to set sail and depart.
But Gen. Lius marine under the
water bound fast all the ships with
iron chains, so that they could not
stir. On the 7th of the month
the fire ceased, for the foreign ships
and soldiers were all burned up.
This battle was like the ancient red
wall of fire battle. Immediately
every foreign nation feared Gen.
Liu as one does tiger. On the
9Th and 9th of the month Gen.
Liu's braves took ten iron battle
ships $4,000 or 10000 aborigines,
10, 900 odd Black Flags, and attacked
Japan. They Immediately captured
Changchikou, Taipefu, Makuantao
and many other places They also
captured Japanese arms without
number The japanese people of all
kinds were killed and wounded in inn
mense numbers. From such chas-
tisement Japan cannot be at peace in
day. Sent from Ten Tsin, Kuang-
Hsu, twenty-frst year. second fifth
month, twenty-eighth day. London
Times
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1896-02-11

Clarence Sterrett has purchased
the undiyids I'D interest of his late
partner, j. W. Maston, in the Halves
vile Clarion. The death of Mr..
Maston was loss to the press OF the
state that will cause pain and sorrow
among all of the boys who knew and
loved him for his many good quail
ties. Mr.. Maston attended the press
meeting here last fall and no young
man resent gave promise of longer
life of usefulness.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1896-02-11

Miss Guy was elected Librarian by
vote of 20 to 5 The Republicans
nearly all refused to vote, after find
ing that the Democratic nominee
would be elected. Miss Guy receiv-
ed the votes of both populists and one
Republican, Judge H. G.. Petree.
By electing her the Democrats have
shown what they can do when they
are united and determined. Now let
them do as we'll for their nominee for
the Senate, and the past will be for
given.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1896-02-11

The question has been raised il
the First District that Chairman
Wheeler had no authority to call the
district commite lee together There is
no sense or truth in such a claim
The rule upon which Wheeler's ene-
mics rely, applies to small judicial
and senatorial districts. The chair
man of the congressional district is
chosen by the delegates themselves
and he is a committeeman for the en-
tire state as well as chairman of his
own district committee, but with no
vote except in case of tie.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1896-02-11

Editor W. P. Walton, of the Stan
ford Interior journal, has completed
his 2lst year as an editor and an
nounces that he will shortly enlarge
and improve his already excellent
paper. The Interior Journal is a
well-established and prosperous semi
weekly, class Of papers not numer-
GUS in Kentucky but very select.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1896-02-11
Grover and Starlight.


Is chestnut sorrel, 16 hands high,
combined saddle and harness stall
ion, is stylish and good actor. He
has been entered in four fairs, in the
saddle and harness rings, and never
was beaten. He will make the pres
ent season at my stable on the farm
known as the Waterside farm, Green
place or j. c. Thurmond's>far S12
to insure. Care taken to prevent &C
cidents, but no liability should any
occur. Pasturage furnished mares at
usual rates. Money for season due on
usual conditions.
Pedigree: Sired by Manager Gold
Dust, 2:20; he by Forrest Gold Dust,
2:25. First dam Mollie Witcher, sir
ed by Elliston's Rather, out of Dan
Rice mare.
STARLIGHT.
Having Starlight Jack, will stand
him the present season on my farm,
six miles west of Hopkinsville, on the
following terms: $40 to insure mare
with foa,, money duo when mare is
proven IN foal or is transferred. Star
light is black, with white points. The
Starlights are too well known to need
any further description.
LESLIE A. SUMMERS.
Hopkinsville Kentuckian. [volume] (Hopkinsville, Ky.) 1889-1918, 1896-02-11

verses its own ruling and declares the
caucus ''has no power 10 commit the
party TO any course not in harmony
with the action OF the convention"
What is sauce for the goose is not
sauce for the gander. Out of its own
mouth is it convicted.