Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-05-31

fellow with no visible means of sup
port beyond a gold-headed cane and a
pair of legs which would lead one to
believe they had been doing business
with clothes wringer, had worked his
way into your childish heart by display
ing a double-breasted vest and other
clothes. and then threw you aside like
a wilted mushroom. 1t is sad, very sad,
that one of your age should be so pro-
miscuously and contemporary thrown
about over bhe country as that, but
there are others. Once, when | was
warty-eyed, knock-kneed lad, several
feet and a half in length, fell in love
and was sick unto death. | had saved
up nearly twelve dollars, earned by Dig
ging horse raddishes and picking an oc-
casional goose, and this | lavishly ex-
pended, despite the entreaties of fond
father, on the object of my infatuation.
The light of hope failed with me just
as 1t did with you, leaving me in total
darkness, feeling like an intaglio, what
ever that is. But | went to work in
grocery store the next morning AFTER
my soubrette told me the leading man
a care. also learned to SPELL If you,
Little Wild Flour, with your highly
youthful age, would go to work with an
old style Osgood speller, feel sure that
you would be braced up inside week
by your increased comprehension of the
large amount of letters required to put
a symmetrical head on some words
But to come to the downright sum
and substance of your letter, you desire
to win your lover back again, and wish
me to advise you on the proper plan OF
recovering him, as he is absolutely ne
cessary for your happiness and good
name, the report being pretty thlckly
spread throughout the neighobrhood
that you are to be married this fall.
Well, Little Wild Flour. my first advice
to you is to locate the recreant Then
take a Mistetoe club gently between
your rosebud hands, and steal up behind
him and bring it down with dull thud
and a silvery laugh on his glocose or
gan in a playful manner. This will
cause him to think Of you the first thing
when he regains consciousness, and
make him bitterly regret the past. Put
when he comes to" and repeat the dose
till he becomes restless and dissattis-
fled with life. Then you can fall on his
vest and tell him you was only in fun
and ready to marry him any time. If
that plan doesn't work, keep putting
him to sleep till he doesn't wake for
some time to come. BY this time, Little
Wild Flour, you will have his love, his
confidence and his corpse to do as you
please with, and you can easily make
incidental expenses by going to NOR
que. There are other ways you might
try, burt | think this the most effectual
and exciting, and will teach the wretch
not to trif1e with any thirty-year old
angel he may come across on his jour-
ney afar off.
To the man of every day ideas, there
is nothing about the modern, down
trodden, hard working hog to invite
more than passing interest, but the ma
ton owes to this animal, whose capa-
bilities are not so limited as some peo-
pie imagine, debt Of gratitude and re-
spect which can only be repaid by
more civil and social treatment than
heretofore. People who devote their
time to the cultivation and feeding of
the hog are kept too busy to delve into
the depth of soul which he possesses,
or to notice any refinement Of manner
which may be his natural gift. Mans
only interest in the hog is to take adj
vantage, according to the price of lard
of the only weakness with which ma
ture has endowed him-an unsuitable
desire for something to eat. This defect
in the hogs constitution, mercenary
mankind grasps as an agent for tho
ruination of his four-legged brother
when the piglet is yet in his infancy;
from his early childhood teaching him
nothing but wild, unruly appetite,
charging upon his hereditary failing
until it is beyond control. The fond
mother, perhaps, understanding the sad
fate in store for her son, does every
thing in her power to crowd him from
the hooking, flowing trough, prompted
by ambitious dreams she has generated
in her own dissipated domain of thought
for the future of her favorite But the
habit of excessive indulgence in dish
water and potato packets expands and
enlarges, until she loses all hope, and in
despair she sees her loved one give up
to the bruted will Of man, that hoggery
must give no thought to the cultivation
of any other science beyond the one
which finally brings him down, in his
bloated maturity, to grave Of ignominy
and sausage.
1t can be proven, if proper compari-
sons and fair examination were made,
that the hog has intellect, undeveloped,
perhaps, equal to that Of many of our
leading statesmen. But vulgar fat and
passionate dreams of large quantities
of food have so bespotted his existence
and destroyed his energy, that death,
honorless, hairless death, is
the only goal which his
once lofty ambitions can realize. l say,
give the hog the opportunity he deserves
and he will honor the race. Teach him
to lie extensively and volubly, and turn
him loose in politics. Make actors and
poets of some of them and thus remedy
the terrible habit they have formed of
over-eating. Give him a fair chance
with his pen and he will revolutionize
the editorial world. Give him to under
stand that he is no longer an inferior
pig metal, but an equal in power and
Judgment, and he will stand on his posi-
ton of promotion, and his hind feet.
and make the world purer and better.
GOODLOE THOMAS.
n