Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1896-06-27
FROM THE ARIZONA KICKER
elections Made for The Star BY NJ. Quad

Selections Made for The Star by NJ Quad
The position of horse editor on the edi-
torial staff Of this paper Is vacant. The
salary Is 81 per week and the duties light
II is not necessary that a horse editor
should be at the top notch in photography
and grammar, and he will never be called
upon to make Fourth of July speech or a
ne" 1ears address. He may be crosseyed,
part mis- hair in the middle and limp In
no'l iess' and we shan't inquire whether
ne mas mad a religious training or been
Drought up In the arms of vice We want
man who can shoot two handed and has
got the sand to face anything IN this To-
CAVITY on legs. Our last horse editor was
supposed to be tip-topper with the gun,
out the other day he backed water before
an empty pistol in the hands Of a half
t Treed and thus disgraced the whole staff.
we gave him just five minutes to get out
or the office, and We understand he has
gone east to work in a soap factory for
me season No man who mistrusts his
s sd should apply for the position. He
mas got TO haye at least barrel Of 1t in
DIS craw to hold the place for a single
week.
Clearing Up Day.
Last Monday We sta1 ted out to clear the
oochet or the circuit court of various libel
SUITS instituted against the Kicker. There
We're thirteen suits altogether. aggregating
sio'ooo0Do. and they were all in the hands
OF 1ou- lawyers. When our guns had been
freshly cleaned and loaded, we made a call
on The genial and whole souled Bob Wat
hlhs. Robert made a jump for his shotgun
DIS we entered. but We got the drop on him
ana We're only three minutes in getting his
-FOUR or the suits Withdrawn.
mat thorough paced, big-hearted Jim
helso was No. 2 on our list. Jim had been
warned Of our coming and tried to knock
US down stairs with an helve, but we
slipped under his arm and soon had things
all our own way. Inside of an hour The
docket was clear and nobody hurt. We
think our way of dealing with libel suits
much the best. We never worry over them
until the grand total is about a hundred
million dollars, and then We call upon the
LAWYERS and make it a personal matter.
Ihelr readiness to onlige is very graft
lying Now that the docket is clear there
Is opportunity for ten or fifteen more suits
to be entered.
A Shabby Trick.
Wednesday evening at about o'clock a
stranger appeared at the Root-Hog- or-Die
Hotel and inquired if it was supplied with
gas. Being answered in the negative, he
explained that he wanted to commit sui
eide and thought the gas route would be
the easiest. He walked straight down to
the river and jumped in. and though sew
eral persons were close a. hand the fdan
was not seen after thu first splash 1t has
Seen weeks SINCE the vigilant committee
nuhs any one. The members are anguish
ing pr necktie social. Here was a critter
who mad travelled perhaps fifty miles to die.
If the matter had been put to him he would
Just as soon have been hung as TO drown,
and perhaps sooner, as ne would have beer
given big drink when the moose was
slipped his head mt ;a.o
IS not an enterprising man-neither has he
the best interests of this town at heart
The stranger cannot be blamed, as he
knew no one in town and was anxious to
commit suicide at once so as to save iodg-
ing and breakfast.
Poor Old Man.
The other day, when We received from
Chicago a whole key Of ink at once, our
esteemed contemporary down the street al
most went crazy. He was so mad that he
fell down in fit. and the foreman of the
Office had to pour water in his ears. When
he got over the fit he sent us word that he
would shoot us on sight, but We gave his
messenger dime for beer money and for
got all about the terrible threat. Friday
evening, as we We're strolling along Co
chlse place to enjoy the evening and a
good cigar. Mr.. Richard Hope overlook us
and inquired if We were aware Of the fact
that We had been shot at We were not
He then went on to explain that our es-
teemed contemporary had turned in be hind
us at Pawnee street and fired at US six
times and then run away. We never even
heard the report of his gun, much less the
sign of the bullets
Poor old man! This is his thirty-eighth
attempt to assassinate us. but it makes us
laugh. We told him long, long ago that he
couldn't shoot any better than he could
edit. and the day will come when he will
take our advice and go off into the woods
somewhere and run a cider mill.
Who WINS Itf
At midnight on Wednesday night some
one threw stone against the front door
of the Kicker office. We turned out of bed
In time to catch a fleeing glimpse Of q man
and fired six shots at him. We thought
we saw him turn a back handspring. but
owing to the darkness could not be sure.
Next morning we found many b,oodstains
on the spot where he stood, and nothing is
surer than that the stranger was nit. Who
he was, or why he should want to damage
our door Is mystery, but 1t is our opinion
that he won't try 1t again. We are a
wakeful cuss. and the man who can heaye
rocks and get away scot free is welcome to
the fun. ~