The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-01-18
ON TOP NOW.
How the Gilt Edge Girls Were Favor.A
by Circumstances.

How the Gilt Edge Girls Were Favor.d
by Circumstances.
Appendicitis Is a very modern, very ex.
pensive and tremendously fashionable all
ment, and its social possibilities are Him
table.
An ordinary citizen suddenly feels a
pain in his side, and he is told by bis
friends he has dropped a stitch or has
rheumatism or pleurisy, and no forthwith
goes to bed in a dreadfully bad temper and
sends for a doctor. Tho doctor comes in
a hurry, feels bis pulse, squints at his
tongue, orders pills, mustard p~lasters and
a number of vile tasting and extensive
nostrums, tells him to keep his fest dry.
cuts off his cigars, whisky and other pleas.
ures, collects $40 and hustles off to SEQ y
colicky baby.
IL the patient be d man of means, with
a fashionable wife and ambitious daueh.
tiers, the wise physician approaches his
prey carefully and silently sits down sol
emily by tho bedside, feels tho victims
pulse, looks at his gold watch, purses his
lips and says, Mimi" He rises with a
deep sigh, looks at the startled wretch's
tongue, shakes his head sadly and slowly,
stalks out of the bedchamber with his
hands behind his back and his eyes on the
S"iPNof ciaoNCd ny Luc dtiIIGGu I1Inliy.
The anxious wife looks at him appealing
ly and demands to know the worst.
MADAM" says the doctor firmly, You
must get a trained nurse at once"
Certainly. DOCTOR W the fright.
ened woman, but tell me, doctor-I am
his wife-he is their fathcr-what Is it?"
Madam" the doctor responds tra9-
ically-aye, Boothly-''Mr. Gilte1ge has a
severe case of ~apppndicitisb
WHAT? You don't tell me it Isl
Appendicitis, madam. But we will
pull him through. l will call in DR.. Car
yer at once. Meantime secure Miss Ban.
dagc, the nurse who lives at that address,"
handing hera card. She has a great deal
of experience in such cases. Sho is simply
invaluable, | will call again this evening
with DIR. Carver. Good morning" And
off he goes OH his career of rapine.
The fashionable wife sits down in a
blissful state of grief, and calling her
daughters around her announces with
mingled pride and sorrow: Girls, DR..
Pilling says your poor, dear pa has appen.
dicitis. 1t is a genuine case. There is to
be an operation. but we must bear our
trial bravcly."
The girls try to look sad and serious,
but the unholy joy of social triumph is
written in their faces. Appendicitis is the
trade mark (f the phrase is permissible)
Of the genuinely aristocrat, an ailment
generated only in blue blood. Nobody on
the street ever had it. Old Cotton-of the
Mayfower Cottons-claimed to have had
1t, but DR.. Filling had limited that it was
merely s%ciatica. The young ladies order
ed out the carriage at once to carry the
painful intelligence to all their fashion
ah1a fcaS ond MrC Ci1tnIro ~ o,1o,,
that she was at home to no one, instruct.
ing her servants to allow nobody to know
that Mr.. Giltedgo was dangerously i'll with
appendicitis. Giltedge himself lies abed
up stairs as amiablo as a Wall street bear
in a rising market using language.
In the evening a servant man and car
riage go for Miss Bandagc, and Quillby,
who docs the social SWIM business for
The Gazette, receives an anonymous note
announcing that Giltedge has appendicitis.
When DR.. Carver arrives with DIR. Pill
ing all the street is agog, and the fashion
abtes surgeon confirms the diagnosis of his
confederate n tells Giltedge blandly
that at 10 O'Clock next morning he will
operate on him. After Instructions to
Miss Bandage, who is impressive in cap
and apron, the worthy leeches depart.
Giltedge, being merely q man who hates
"society,' does not enjoy tho distinction
he is comforting on his family. He stig-
matizes Carver as a butcher and Pilling
as u quack and behaves in a shncking.y
COMMON and vulgar way about the whole
thing.
In the morning Giltedge Is duly ether
ICED, ch1oroformod or laughing gased
Carver, dressed in white like a sacrificiai
priest, fondles his ribs lovingly, knife in
band. Pilllng looks on, wisely laden with
sponees. An assistant holds q miniature
birdcage over the victims nose and mouth
to dam profanity, while Miss Bandage
floats around like q white vision, doing
general utility business. The drama be-
gins. Carver, with a knife, opens up Gilt
edge, using a lot Of long words for the
small things hecuts off, and finally hoists
a wretched little bag out of Giltedge's
anatomy, which he calls the vermiform
appendix. Some vermiforms and so forth
have nothing in them. Others have peas,
chestnuts, baseballs, duck shot, coffee kerr
nels, cherry stones and other tri1es in
them. One man developed a pearl in his
he had a passion for clams-and Mrs.
Giltedge hopes that her husband will cut
up a iamon or at least a moonstono.
The surgeon opens the bag with the air of
a man opening n jack pot. Giltedge has
come out of his opium joint and Is being
plastered up.
Whats in the blamed thing, Carver"
he asks in a feeble voice, "A poker chip
or a brass button?"
1T looks like the top of a collar button
or a grape seed, " the surgeon says blandly.
Call it a collar button, Carver" Gilt
edge exclaims eagerly. 1.-The old lady is
kicking cverlastingly about my eating
grapes whole, and if it's n grape seed III
never hear the enc Of it. Make it a collar
button and put it in your BILL"
And 1t was duly pronounced to be q
small pearl, eaten with oysters, and great
was the glory thereof.
The Giltedge girls hold their heads in the
air as they pass the Billions, for appcn
dicitis has fixed forever the status of the
family, and yet it only costs q mere 81, DOL
n a little abattoir practice on a Wall
street bear.-Life.
-------' .-r- . -
Warren's Great Farm.
Ex-senator Warren's ranch in