davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29
ADVICE TO THOSE CONTEMPLAT.
ING MARRIAGE.

Ny advice to dem what contemplates
marriage am, don't yo' worry at all; but
advise am a good deal like castor oil;
it am much easier to give than it am to
take.
Don't marry the first gal dat yo'
think yo' am in love wild. First love
am like de first set of baby teeth; don't
amount to much, nohow.
Don't marry unless yo' am earning
enough to support a wife in little
better style than what she am used to.
Don't marry girl who has any mar
ried sister. Married sisters am ebery
bit as bad as mother-in-laws, and some-
times great deal worser.
Don't marry girl who thinks she
am better than you. My reason for
this, think, am obvious.
Don't marry girl that am always
before the looking-glass. This kind Of
girl thinks more of pleasing some
other feller than she does of pleasing
her husband.
Don't marry girl who am envious.
This kind of girl will spend more
money in trying to look better than her
neighbors than you'll be able to earn.
Don't marry girl who am fond Of
gossip. She will make trouble for you,
herself ard everybody else. None but
the ig norant gossip.
Don't marry girl who am fond of
admiration. She am the kind that pre-
fers to be wit some man other than her
husband, and am always gadding the
streets.
Don't marry a girl who am too high
toned to 60 to housekeeping, but am
willing to board. This kind of a girl
am like mule; born tired.
Don't marry girl who sees 6bery.
body that passes the house. If you
does, she will see more than you do;
and will ease her mind by saying:
"What the eyes don't see the heart
don't glieve AFTER" The heart grieves
more after what the eyes don't see than
what they do.
Don't marry a girl who am always
complaining that she neber has any
thing. You might give this kind of
girl the whole earth wit 10-foot
barbed-wire fence around it, and she
wouldn't be satisfied.
Don't marry girl out of pity for the
way she tells you she am treated at
home. If girl finds fault with her
paternal roof, she will complain worser
about the roof placed ober her head by
her husband.
Don't marry girl who expects you
to help her wit the housework. If yon
do, she will lose what little respect she
had for you before marriage.
Don't marry girl unless you expect
to take her miles away from her former
home. Should you fail to take this adj
wise, may the good Lord pity you.
Don't marry girl who wants you to
give up eberything for her sake, and
she make no sacrifices. This kind Of
6 irl am hog.
Don't marry JUS for the sake of
being married. Some young men
marry for the same reason that they
join secret society; out of curiosity.
Better to join dozen secret societies
than to join one unsecret society. 1t
don't take long to become initiated
into a secret society, but it takes
lifetime to get initiated to married life,
and you are riding the goat until death
relieves you.-'Frisco Wave.
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29

Editor Ito aspiring writer -you
should write so that the most ignorant
can understand what you mean.
Aspirant-Well. what part Of my
paragraph don't you understand, sir2
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29
Why 50 few Marriages?

The TRANSCRIPT will a give
years subscription to the best
answer to the question. 1t will
also remove one item Of gex-
pense in the road to the mat
rimonial. altar. Having pur-
chased some fine paper and en-
volopes to correspond for the
purpose of printing mono
CRANES, &c, thereon, the re-
mainder will be sold very
low.
Why pay extra prices for
poor quality when good quail
ity can be purchased SO low.
Think of it j! 45 cts for !
Ream of Paper and Envo-
lopes to match. Billet or Bar
onial, Extra Fine.
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29
The New Woman i'm Politics
The Democratic Campaign Directed by a
Daughter of Eve.

DR. the first time in
the history Of the
Repu blic a
woman is vir-
tually directing
a Presidential
campaign, and
Mrs. W. J.Bryan,
wife of the DEM
ocratic.. candi-
date, is the
won an, Her.
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29

After the spanking. -Mother--It
hurts mother more than it does you,
my son.
Willie-Why don't you holler, then.
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29
Be sura Yon Are RIGHT

Be Sure YOu Are Right
And then go ahead. If your blood is inn
pure. your appetite failing, your nerves
weak. you may be sure that Hoods Sarsa-
parilla is what you need. Then take no
substitute. Insist upon Hoods and only
Hoods. This is the medicine which has
the largest sales in the world. Hoods
Sarsaparilla is the One True Blood Purifier.
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29
CONFIDENTIAL Advice

Confidential Advice
to either sex, on delicate diseases. Large
book sent sealed In plain envelope for 10 cents
. in stamps. Address, Worlds Dispensary
Medical Association, Buaalo, N. Y.
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29
iver Ills

Like biliousness, dyspepsia. headache, consti-
patton, sour stomach, Indigestion are promptly
cured by Hoods Pills. They do their work
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29

MEN in boomers
and women in
politics so long
have furnished
food for the pro-
fessional testers
and the strug-
Cling humorists
that the public
has come to look
unon them aa q
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29

Only a few packages. No
more at this price after these
are gone at the
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29

Hoods Pills are prompt. efficient. always
reliable, easy to take. easy to ope rate.
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29

Something Better for trife
more money
Ask to see
5lb. Centennial Octave Note
Glib. Damask Linen 1.-THE
best and Envelopes to
match
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29

.E IS ED if l
amt glad to git
b a c K b o m Q /.
Why? Well. if
you'd been a liv-
in or t W 0
steady W e 9 K 8
where folks have
to be lghtin'
flies from the
fspon fhau xxroHo
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29

Hoods
Best after dinner pills.
% cents. All druggists.
Prepared by G. I. Hood & Co., Lowell, Mass.
The only Pill to take with Hoods SarsaparilIa.
Middletown transcript., 1896-08-29

Flies
Der fortschritt. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1891-1915, 1896-03-26

entIpre9enbe 2eiituns bon Mablen.
ME r,abe liest: bebbalb, neil bas Mufs
ouellen oes @etreibes Der nit ibm por=
aunebmenben mehaniiaen Menoerung
parallel arbeitet, lie alio erlet9tert.
Dies erI9eint audi ais Elm bodft be-
a6tenspertber puntt. Wenn bic gdz
der auf bieie Mrt bic neue, ibnen be-
reitete Gage gu erfaHen pi1en, tperoen
iie iberbaupt feline @inbubs uno betm
Baden BON @anazRorn< ober sWetz
aenbroo nur ben tpobltbGti9en 3par9
erfabren, ale ieBt autpetlen geiibte1
prattiten Der 8eimenguns mt11oerz
tpertbisen Mebles ODER oerriebenen all
ten @robes u. bsl. unterlahen gu null
fen. Den MiQern wirb a%llerbinss
bas Mablen alles gu benz neuen Broo
beitimmten @etreibes entseben, aber
aud nur btes; benn fir ale @peataz
lttGten ber 8admaare auber benz tdgz
liden 8rob ptrb man na@ pie Dor
Mebl b~ebiirfen, unb pabriheinli&
mirb bag erbebli9e 8iqigerueroen bes
Brobes ben @erbrau9 audi ber feline
rem 8admaaren itetsern. Gs lit in
bieiem 8etra@t an bic @rfa9runsen
bes laufenben S%abrbunberts auf 5ablz
rei@en S9affenssebteten gu erinnern.
SIMMER purbe beflr4tet, bab bon
neuen grfinbunsen bic @erni4tuns
bes einen pber bes anbern @emerbes
ausgeben purbe, unb INNER 1T es an
bers setommen, uenisitens fir ale
biejentsen, pel&e it@ ni&t in ben
@9mollptntel ieBten, ionbern, ben
@tier BEL ben 90rnern faKenb, bic
Dtnse tbrem inteaigenten @illen UNI
termarfen unb aus Der perdnberten
Gage bas Bette gu MAIDEN pubten.
2lQes in alien 1T bic @elind'i4e
Grfinbun9 als Elm @reisntb BON nett
tragenber ~fo5ialer 8eoeutung gu be-
aet6nen.
Der fortschritt. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1891-1915, 1896-03-26

l1eble @rfabrungen bat Elm
iunger @inmanberer Namens Grib
@tabl IN Der turaen 3ett fetner 4nipez
fembeit in Wmeritu gema@t. Dim @onrte
tag mlBte er cine 3eQe bes Rapmono<
@tr. 4@efdngnRKes be3ieben, nad9bem
er bur@ ben @erla1it Ietnes @erm6<
gems, tpel@eS tbm angeblt@ bur4 et<
nen @@pinbler abgenpmmen tnorben,
beinube un5ure4nungsfdibig %getporben
lit. @or etnem Monat mar ct aus
Deuti@lanb eingetpambert unb bate
$500 mitgebro@t. @r purbe in
8rootlpm init stnem @irtbe be-
tannt, tpel&er ibm fem @@antlofal
am 8roabmab gum &aufe anbot. Die
Ter er3dblte tbm bon benz slan3enben
@epinn, pelben bus @e1@dft abtptrfe,
unb rm fi9 bon ben Nneaben gu iber=
3eugen, bel u@te @tabl bic mirtbi@aft
mebrere Male. Gr faarb ftets etne gro
BE &unbeni 4aar nm 2otal unb MUIR
be nit benz 8eiiber banbelsetnig. @r
CAB feline @riparniTe fer unb ant per<
flofene,, Donnerftag iibermabm ct bas
@e1@dft. Mn bemfelben Sage i@rieb
er ieiner Gamtlte, linn na@aufolgen.
@ierunbauan3ig St1mben ipdter BE-
reute ct iebo@ ben .&uuf. Die Suite
blieben aus, uub einge3ose1e @rfnn<
btsunsen ersuben, bab bic &unben
bes @%orsdngers be3ablte Rneipbriibtr
trarer, tpel@e 'als Staffa9e gebient 9at<
ten. Stabl tpurbe bel benz @ebarfe11,
BON einem @4mtnbler lum feline 9abe
geprelt 1uoube1 gu fem, fat pab1<
ftnuig.
Der fortschritt. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1891-1915, 1896-03-26
@ie qrDBte MttiengeieQl 4aft Del

- @ie grDbte Mttiengeieli&aft Der
Welt lit bic 2onoonz uno Nortb Mez
itern neutrality-suspicious. in Gngz
lamb. @ie1e bebeutenbite Mtttengez
feni&aft, bic bas inouitriele 2eben Der
Sebtoeit uuf3upeiien fat, perfiist iiber
Elm 8etriebstapttal bon 2,380,00O,000
Mart rad beut14em @eloe unb nimmt
i'm Dur919nitt $4,000 Mart in Der
Stunbe elm. Sie Be ibt 230O 2oto=
mptipen, bic jGbrlid) auiammen 41,z
OOO,0 en9ltife Metlen 5urudlegen.
Die @e1euidaft beldGfttgt ilber $4,000
MngeiteIte unb be Drbert tG9li4 ettpa
$4,000 @ei}erEbe. I'm bic gan5e unz
gebeure @trede in georonetem 3uitan<
be gu er6alten, bebarf es elmer tGgltz
9en Musgdbe BON runb $4,000 Mart.
STIR bus Snitanbbalten Der 8riden,
8idbutte hperben I'M Sabre bur@z
1dnittli9 ettpa 100000 Mart berz
aalseabt, unb auf tpeitere 100000
Marf idbrli@ belaufen ii& na& elmer
Mtttbetlun9 bes putentzunb te9nii4en
Bureaus bon mi9arb 2iibers IN @Drltb
bic Soften ber &eparaturen, bic bic
Maurer, 3tmmerer unb Muler ausz
fIbren.
Der fortschritt. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1891-1915, 1896-03-26

idtas gu brinsen. bic brobenoe @efabr
ab%aupsuben." Dteie Dorf&lase purz
ben nit Der Mbdnoeruns angeno,nz
men, bab ni4t Der 8unbessS enat.,
ionbern ber 8umbessG ongreb eriu@t
!peroen ion, Die %berlanste llnterfu4
dung etnouleiten. 8etreffs pes Be-
ihlufes tpurbe nod bes Wetteren perz
fist, baB atpei berporrasenbe, bonn
@oriiber ipdter ,au beaei@nenbe Mits
slieber bes Derbanbes peri0nli4 mad
Waibinston reiien unb Dom Gon9reB
bic Wnseleeenbeit beaiebentli@ bic Be-
f4life porlesen ionen. Mit fetner
imouitrielen @ntwidluns pirb Saz
pan AUDI i'm Starbe iein,. bic inanaiz
ellen 9aiten ieiner @robma@tfeuuns
3u tragen.
Der fortschritt. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1891-1915, 1896-03-26
Der @Ibnsrbst.

0er Saul i'm S4net u. S4laderipet-
ter 'btDft ben 9iibnern aiht beim @ierz
lssen, int @egentbetl. Man i4aufle
loenielben enttueber meg ODER balte bic.
Diibner I'M Qaus. sin Da4 iiber
Den 9iibnern paben 1T Elm gutes Ding.
Sem 9ei4ntttener Rlee nit Rlete
ansebribt. init Mebl iibertreut unb
fripp an Mforsen tparm 9esdben. lit Elm
gutes Tribitud fir bic 2~eg9iibner.
Nltbadenes 8rob unb Graders bon
9otels umb 8ddereie,l. tpenn man's
blQtg betpmmen tann, 1T Elm aus9ez
3ei9netes Qibnerfutter, perlanst aber
einen ;3u1aB BON Rleie unb Jleii@.
Smmermdbrenbe 9enQue Mufmertz
lamteit miiflen ale Sene beoba&ten,
apel4e ieBt Sncnbators antpenoen. IS
limb 2 Yuntte BON GROCER Mi@tigtett
babel i'm QQuse gu balten. Die 2amz
pen milf en- genii9eno refine, frt14e
3uft baben unlo 8renner unb Do4t
miii1en rein9ebalten 4perben.
I'm bic Qennen gum 2e9en gu brirz
gen unb bic &iiden gum rai@en 3u>
nebmen, baben piele Qiibner3u4ter bic
@etuobnbett. rotben Pfefer, Sngtper
unb anbere ftimultrenbe prdparate nit
ieoer Mabl3eit bon %semabltnem Gutter
ober @rinaeug, gu 9eben. Menn bic
Siibner 3unebmenoen 4ppetit unb an
1neinenb mebr Geuer 3eigen, tperbtn
bic Stimulantien in no4 grobtrer
Quantitdten gegeben, na& benz @runb<
Iab, ipenn Wenug gut tbut, baum tptrb
elm Mebr bon mo4 sr0Berem @ortbetl
fem.
Das @eiultat in iol@en +GaQen 1T,
baB tpenn bic Qiibner 3u piel Maitfutz
ter betommen, lie gu tett dperoen unb
Ibann oft pl0blt@ tobt 9infaQen, es
riibrt lie Der @4las. @enrr Qennen
Gett anleeen, bann !eeer, lie teine @ier.
@iebt man i6nen anitutt Maitfutter
muir bas @terlesen ~f0rbernbe Gutter,
baum lesen fie cine 3eit lang ausgez
3ei4net, tperoen aber bann trant am
'@ierftod ober ibre @lteoer perben ge>
ldbmt.
ssSn rpabe3u allen GGlen 1T bic @er>
baln1ng seft0rt urub bas f4lieblidt Re>
iultat 1T eber @erlaft uls @euinn.
Gin 8iS@en @ala. pfefer ober ber>
gletben, mag ben Mppetit peri@drfen
llnb 5eitpetlts bas 9ubn lebbufter
MAIDEN unb imiofern mag es bon @or>
tbeil iein. Qlber troB MQem 1T bas
bette Mittel elm ~geiunbes Gutter obne
l@timuIan3. l1nter natirlt4en @er=
batltni7en betommen bic 4iibner bic
Stimulan5en, tpel@e iie bebirfen, III
ben aromattf@en @dmereien a1nb @ee~
rem, pel@e 1te auf tbren Gouragier<
@Gn9en alufpiden.
Sic &iiden ma4ien nur rrb bic
9ibner legen nrr @ter, tpenn man
ibnen bic nDtbigen @lemente gibt, utl<
&e iie bebiirfen, INN Rno@en, Gleif4
unb @ter gu bilben unb bieie Glemente
finbet man nur I'M Ndbrfutter, ni4t
in BEN 3utbaten. 60
Seen 3u@tbubnern muB man gang
Defenders permetben, 3u pie1 9epiir3z
baftes Gutter gu seben, ba bic Gter
unter iolden @erbdltniNm lei&t un>
befru4tet bletben. s."%
Der fortschritt. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1891-1915, 1896-03-26
Sapan ais SnouErieIan>.

Mit 1einem Gintreten in bic @eibe
Der @roBmd9te bat ii@ Sapan audi
ben 2urus ber1elben ange19afft: bic
Musgaben fir militdrif4e @~eprdfen=
tation. Das @et@sbubget ber Sapaz
ner iiberitteg Biz in bic lebten Subre
btnein fieb3is Mt0ionen ni@t, BON
nun an 'ptrb fir Mrmee unb Marine
allein bic glei4e @umme notbpenots
1ein. 8eibe @treittrdfte 1o1en in eiz
mem l1mfange perftdrtt perben, ber
ben ettp1 e%ntftebenben Mnipri@en an
Ma@tentfaltung entlpri@t. Die Or
NEE ion i'm 2aufe ber nd@iten 5ebn
Sabre auf cine prdian5itarte DON
2OO, 900 Mann sebra9t tperben, bic
6lotte, bic jeBt iiber elm Displacement
bon 10000 Sonnen perfugt, pirb auf
bas Dreifa4e permebrt. 9a bic Musz
.gaben fir bic innere Werpaltuns ii4
in b%erielben 9Dbe balten, tperben bic
Sapaner cine betrd4tlt9e @teuerlait
gu tragen baben. ueber bic @teuerz
fraft beg 2anbes 1T i'm @an3en tpenis
betamnt. Ginem Mrtitel ber rSapan
@a3ette" 5ufolse be3tfferte it& bic Be-
p%Dlterung am S4luKe bes Sabres
1894 auf 42,OOO,0OO. Dur@ bic Mnz
nerion bon Gormola tit bieielbe UNI
etpa brei Mtnionen perpebrt poroen.
Der Tld@enimbalt bes. 2anbes belduft
1i9 u1f 10000 Quabratmeilen. On
@tnmobner3abl itebt Sapan als FINITE
in ber Metbe ber Nuttonen, fein Rei4z
tbum aber unb bic Gntmidelung ietz
aer 9ilfsquellen baben bisber ni@t
in bemlelben @erbdltnib geitanben.
Das mag aber IN 3utunft anbers
perben, 6enn nit Der @%tpiliiation,
mel4er fi@ bas 9anb ieit fanfunoz
5tpan5is Sabre befleibist bat AUDI Ell
ne entipredenbe 4npaKung an bic
maoernen Pppbuttions : Metbooen
1tattgefunben unb ii@, namentli4 in
ben lebteren Sabren bic Snbnitrte in
FOLDER Weile entpidelt, baB bas Musz
lamb bereits bic Goncurren3 gu fir@z
ten be9tnnt.
@inen 8epeis bafir l1eferten bic
auf Der Gabritantenz@ onpention in
@bicagp 9e3@ebenen be3iglt4en
MeuBerungeu uuo ber ulf
@runb rbteier erftattete 8ert4t
zines @pe3iatausi&ukes, pel&er SOL
genbes belaste: ~Sn unferen Stdbtm
bes Oitens Nmerben jupant@e Gabrttz
eraeugniKe auf ben Murtt gebra@t,
bic billiser pertauft perben als gu
bem5eDben @ebrau4 beitimmte ameriz
tani1de Gubrtttraeuent7e - 10 perz
brdnsen iapanti@e Matten unb ame>
ritant1@en Muitern nu&gebtlbete Sep
pi9e ieBt bic amerttanii@en Sep
pi@e bonn Marfte; in Sapan angeferz
tigte 8iriten tperben unter benz bteiiz
gen preis ber 8orften ~pertauft; umez
iritani19e l1brtapfeln perben na4 Saz
pan ge14tdt, bort nit ubrluerten perz
ieben unb banr in Mmertta btlltger
bertauft als ameritanii@e l1bren.
Weil barum bic 9batia&e nt4t mebr
geleuenet tpeuben tann, baB mebrere,
un1erer Tabritz S%nbuitrien bur@ ie=
men Mttbdperb i4per bebrobt tperben,
!ba in Supan gei@tdte 9anbmerter fir
10 Bis Is Gents ben Saa b. +. fir
lpeniger als Elm 3ebntel oes 2obnes
amerttanti@er 9anbmerter arbeiten,
besbalb mDge Der Northumberland
ber amerttantf@en T%abritanten bier
init ben Senat ber Der. @tauten eriuz
@en, cine @ommiiiion gu ernennen,
ober etnes ieiner @omites gu beauftraz
gen, bic urfa@e jenes fir bic amertta=
nii@ Snbuitrie g%efabrpollen Wettbez
hperbs nit btliger ortentaltf@er Mrz
belt gu ertpdgen unb Mittel in @ors
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1896-03-19
A Dog Brought the Pardon.

1t was dog that brought liberty to a convict
in the Kentucky pententiary recently. The in
telligent brute acted as a messenger between
Governor Brown and the felOn. carrying the
pardon in its mouth from the executive mansion
to the prison. and. after gaining admittance, to
the recipient of clemency himself. The dog is
the property of the Governor, and the convict is
O. G. Garden. of Louisville. who was sentenced
two years ago to serve s years for manslaughter.
For some time Garden has been employed as a
"trusty" at the Executive Mansion. doing chores
and running errands. the dog. fine-loOkiDg
specimen of the shepherd breed. is family pet.
and is unusually intelligent. 1t was part of
Gardens duty to look after the animal. and they
came to be fast friends. When the prison doors
were opened in the morning the collie was there
to meet his convict friend and accompany him
to the mansion. At night he returned with his
striped playmate to the grim portals. When the
pardon was made out it suggested that the
dog be permitted to carry the welcome of free
dom to his devoted friend. The paper was en-
closed in a stout envelope and given to the ami
NAL which was told to go to the penitentary.
With a wag of it's tail, it left the mansion and
ran down the old accustomed route to the prison.
A telephone message apprised the guards of his
coming, and he was admitted without delay.
Garden was in the yard patiently awaiting the
arrival of the Governors messenger never
dreaming that the dog had been selected. Catch
ing sight Of the well-known face. the dog ran up
to the convict and laid the envelope at his feet.
The glad cry of happy surprise that the over
joyed prisoner gave vent to on catching up the
official envelope and tearing it open, was re-
echoed by a succession of joyous barks from the
four-footed harbiDger of good tidings.-Cincin-
natl Enquirer.
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1896-03-19
Trials of a Woman Editor.

The beautiful young girl who had graduated
only a year before with the highest nonors
rushed into the family sitting-rOOm and flung
herself with storm of Sobs upon the sofa.
what is it my dear?" asked her father.
soothing her gently, "has anything happened to
discourage yOu?"
"Papa,' said the maiden. raising her tear
stained face II am done with journalism for
ever. When you allowed me to purchase that
weekly newspaper thought that no occupation
on earth could be so noble, so eevating and
powerful to scatter good and wisdom through
out the world When began editing the paper
everything appeared bright and rose cOlOred.
my editorials were praised by the entire
Texas press. and got flattering words of en-
cOuragement from even the large dailieS. l was,
oh, SO proud of the fact that. although a woman,
l had been admitted as an equal member of the
great brotherhood that exercises such an in
fluence upon the mind and morals of the people.
Last week l wrote gentle criticism of an
article that appeared in little weekly in an
other county. This, papa-this is what | find
in the next issue of that hOrrid paper"
The lovely girl handed her father the paper
and buried her head upon the sofa pillows while
he read the following:
1--WE would say to the lOathsome, knock
kneed piebald, iabberwack that infests the
editorial dugOut of the Weekly Herdld-keep
your shirt on! The disgusting. idiOtic drivel
that emanates from the clapper-j awed. squirrel
headed, slap-sided puddle duck that SpOils
paper for that sewer pipe of Journalism should
get pair of buckskin. kick-proof pants. or else
quit squirting such gobs of back-handed, putre-
fled slime at decent papers. If the hump
backed, putty-faced vermn referred to doesn't
like our remarks, we will call any day and scat
ter a few locks of hair and brass buttons around
said Herald office, or forfeit years subscrip-
tiOn."
"Papa,' said the girl graduate in a small but
decided voice, Il want you to buy me cook
book and some long aprons. Pm going to stay
at home and help mother about the house,
Houston Post
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1896-03-19
"Joe" Gould Understand English.

Several years ago had beloved mOngrel fox
terrier named joe We were staying some
months at PenZance, and the dog went every
where with us. and knew the place well. One
day we were, as usual IN the afternoon. on the
club tennis ground. when the secretary came up
and warned me that on the following day, as
there was to be a tournament, DO dogs would be
admitted to the ncOsure. l promised to shut
Joe up at home. That evening we missed the
dog. and in the morning also he was not to be
seen. When we went to look on at the tOurna-
ment in the afternoon we found Joe waiting for
us; the ground man told us that the dog had
been there all night, and would not allow him.
self to be caught. He had never slept out before,
and he certainly must have understood what was
said.
We often used to say. I'VE will drive to such a
place today, but Joe must stay at home" and
almost invariably, in whatever direction it might
be- before we had driven mile. we found Joe
waiting for us by the roadside; he always grinned
when we came up with him. London Spec
tatOr.
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1896-03-19
The Barber Was Too Much for Him.

Old Mack is a messenger in one of the depart
ments, says the Washington Star. and has a
good record as soldier, and for several years
has been faithful employee of the government.
Like many of the war veterans, he can draw the
long bow when occasion requires. He was out
in a North Dakota blizzard once on time, and
when he recovered from the effects of a severe
freeze, he was minus small portion of each ear
and sometimes he gets very tired of the ques-
ton his lear marks" bring out. Not long ago
he was in barber shop down town having his
hair cut and the tOnsOrial artist had his curiOS.
ear?" questioned the barber, as he was work.
ing the shears along carefully on the starboard
side of Mack's head.
Lost that under Grant. in the Wilderness
said Mack. with a sober face.
Pretty soon the shears were shipping ON the
other side, and another section of ear was dis
closed missing.
Hello! How did you lose this one?" the hair
dresser asked. standing Off and viewing his work
manship.
Lost that one under Napoleon at Marengo,'
was the imperturbable response.
The barber was silenced for awhile. but wher
he had received his fee, and was shaking out hi!
cloth, he startled the old gentleman, who hae
put on his hat and had his hand on the door
knob. with:
Did you lose anything when you we're unde
Noah in the ark?'
The mirror. (Stillwater, Minn.) 1894-1925, 1896-03-19
Suffered from His Own Prescription.

The French affect to abhOr noisy operas. and
make the music of Wagner. which is sometimes
quite strenuous, the butt of many jokes.
French paper declares that not long ago a
certain banker of Berlin became deaf-sO deaf
that he could no longer hear the discharge of a
cannon. His physician perceived that his all
ment was of the sort that might be cured by
conclusion, and took him to hear Wagner's
"LOhengrin."
The two took seats close to the orchestra-iust
in front of the trOmbOnes, and near the mouths
of these instruments. There came passage in
which the trOmbones make a celebrated and
terrible blast. At the end of it the banker whis-
pered excitedly and ecstatically to the doctor:
"YOu have saved me! You have saved mel"
The doctor paid no attention. Forgetting the
presence of others, the banker called out. "Doc-
tor! doctor can hear! Congratulate me!''
But still the doctor paid no attention. He had
himself become totally deaf!-YOuth's Com
paniOn.