davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
There We're Others.

The expectant husband strobe up and
down the kitchen floor. waiting for the
great news. He could scarcely restrain
his Impotence, and it was with a cry
Of Joy that he welcomed the doctor, who
entered the room with smiling counte.
nance.
"Tell me, tell me-" cried the mar.
"What''-
'It is a boy said the doctor cheer
lily.
"Hurray!'
But and the doctor paused.
"What? Doctor. speaki Is he not the
most beautiful child ever born?''
"He is" said the doctor, ''but there
are others"
can INSULT"
mo"
And it was not slang either, as the
proud father learned when he found
that the others referred to were the two
more that made him the p~aternal an.
cestor Of triplets. New York Evening
Journal.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
WITTY LAWYER JOE.

How He Won Cheers From BritOns by
an Anti English Joke.
Among the stories revived for the late
historic festival in old Plymouth is one
concerning Joseph Bartlett. known by
his friends as Lawyer Joe, who soon
after the close Of the Revolution went
to London. One evening he strayed into
a theater there and found himself look
ing upon a play which carried u spice
Of malice against his countrymen.
During the performance a company
Of Continentals was introduced upon the
stage. evidently for the sole purpose Of
proving itself ridiculous. The soldiers
presented a motley appearance. They
moved awkwardly, and their weapons
indicated their various callings., The
farmer shouldered his scythe, the car
penter his hammer and the tinker his
soldering iron. p,
In bold contrast a Enactment of Brit
ish soldiers, with tAeir gay uniforms
and glittering arms, went through va
rious evOlutions, marching a one man
and keeping exact time to the stirring
music Of a military band. The differ
ence was, of course, striking, and the
audience laughed heartily and applaud
cd in evident enjoyment of a scene
which was so flattering to the national
pride.
But it was too much for Yankee pa
triotism to bear. Lawyer Joe, obeying
an irresistible impulse, sprang to his
feet. jumped upon his seat, waved his
hat high above his head and shouted at
the top Of his voice:
"Long live his majesty, King George
Of England, whipped by ~tailors, thinkers
and cobblers.
For . moment o profound silence
reigned throughout the theater, and 1t
was o moment OF serious doubt whether
our bold champion would escape the
vengeance Of an angry crowd.
But the British admiration of pluck
and audacity carried the day, and the
ominous stiffness was broken by loud
cheers which burst from the audience
until the very roof rang.-Youth's Com.
papion.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Footprints of Time.

But yesterday. it seems to him,
He waited underneath the dim
Light Of the parlor chandelier
For her to come. And then her dear,
Sweet voice called to him from the stair
INC said, "Sweetheart, III soon be there!"
Bnt yesterday-years after. yes
He stumbled home in vague distress
And wearied to the very soul.
Again her voice a greeting sent
That Allied him with embarrassment. &
It said, "Bring up a pail Of coall"
But ye~sterday-how fast time flies
1t seems, he looked into her eyes,
And, dumb with love, reached for her hand
To try to make her understand.
They fingered by the large front door,
As they had often done before.
But yesterday-can he forget
He climbed the steps, fatigued and wet
And glad to leave the muddy street.
And she stood on the front door sill
And screamed. in accents sharp and shrill.
"Why don't you wipe you dirty feetg'
Chicago Record.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
AFTER II SPOtlS.
ITO Major McKin,ey.l

ITO Major McKin,ey.l
/ was readin de paper
Jes' a day err two ago
Bout a mighty clever caper
On de ole kintucky sho'-
How a man dat liked You sent you,
Not no little picay
Blu requested to pussent you
Wifi a pair of fine young coons.
Now. deah sub, I'm FUN Ohio
An q citizen. dat's true.
You're de man / mos admire,
An l Helped to 'lect you too.
While you're givin you attention
To de claims some others press
don't think it's wrong to mention
: What I'd like among de res.
do want no big position
To Liberia ar SIGH.
Fu' it isn't my ambition
To be known aroun err rich.
! do want to be recorder
OF de deeds in Washington,
Fu' to keep dem things in order
Dey's some hustlin to be done.
Now, / amt q graspin villain,
An / doesn't want the earth.
So I'm sllo' dat you'M be willin
Flu to reckernizs my worth.
do want to go to Haiti,
p. Down among dem octoroons,
But I'd thank you, major, mighty
Flu ies'one o DEM ere coons.
Paul Laurence Dunbar in Chicago Record.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
STOPPING A RUN.

1ne Banker " ~ q Genius and Rose to
this Emergency.
1t was a private bank in a new west
ern town. It had been doing business
for a year or 80 and had the reputation
Of being solid. One day, however, when
it refused to discount a note for a oiti-
zen who was looked upon as shaky, he
went out and talked until he got the
town excited, and a run on the bank
vas the result. Then the owner Of the
institution proved himself the right
fnancier in the right place.
George" he said to one OF his
clerks, ''you know Bill Scott, Of
course?'i
ooh, yes"
"He hasn't got and never did have a
dollar in this bank, and yet he's out
there in the crowd yelling loudest Of
all. Slip out with a gun and shoot him
in the leg or shonlder-by accident, Of
course"
"Yes. sir" 8
"And, James," said the banker to
his other clerk. ''there's the old man
Simpson out in the crowd with his fight
ing dog. Unchain our dog and take him
out by the back door and let him 60 for
Simpsons canine" IT,
Five minutes later ope-third Of the
crowd menacing the bank had gathered
around Bill Scott, as he lay in the street
with a bullet in his leg. and another
third were dancing around two dogs en-
gagged in a fierce fight. Then the bank
er appeared at the door. q package Of
bills in one hand and a revolver in the
other, and as he flourished both above
his head he shouted:
"Here's the assets Of this bank in
my left hand. and here's the liabilities
in my right. Does anybody want his
money!"
No answer.
"Assets, $1a, 900; liabilities. six bull
lets!" continued the banker, az he tap
ped the package Of money with the
muzzle Of his gun.
A few persons cheered.
"And the assets and liabilities are
sorter mixed up, and the Teller who
wants assets may git the other. I'm
waiting to hear from you."
He heard. There was q good chorus
Of yells and cheers and ordinations of
congratulations. and ten minutes later
the crowd had dispersed aud the threat
ened run on the bank was a thing Of
the past. The money in the package
amounted to less than $500. and the
gun wasn't. loaded, but the banker was
. horn ~inancier. New York Sunday
Journal.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12

1--WE must go T. Mr.. Paul's and stay
out of sight till dose folks go home, so
dey will never know. de duchess says.
"'But how will we square it wild
Mr.. Burton and Miss Fannies' I says.
"'I]l tell Miss Fannie says de Ouch.
ess, and she told her dat one Of de men
bad insulted me, and she was going to
take me over E Mr.. Paul's and stay
deere wild me till de folks had gone. 90
as l wouldn't sing de man.
miss Fannie looked hard, but said
noting, ard l t'ink she tumbled t. de
whole game.
"Say, is women queer?''-Edward
W. Townsend in New York Journal.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
JERRY SIMPSONS BOY.
He lar Faith and Booked Papa For All
He Wa Worth.

He Had Faith and Booked PapA For Ali
He was Worth.
Congressman Elect Jerry Simpson
has only one child, a bright boy about
l6 years old, Of whom some amusing
stories are told. While Simpson was
out making his campaign he left the
boy at home to take care of his mother.
The fight between Simpson and Ches-
ter l. Long, the Republican nominee,
was warm, and it was watched by
young Simpson with keenest interest.
Simpson was enable to return to his
home in Medicine Lodge for several
weeks previous to the election. On the
very day Of the election Long and Simp.
son, both residents Of the same town,
travelled homeward together.
Arriving at Medicine Lodge at noon,
Simpson cast his vote. went home,
washed his face, put on a clean shirt
and sat down to n Of those superb
chicken and cranberry dinners which
have made Mrs. Simpson famous AZ a
cook all over Medicine Lodge.
After Mr.. Simpson had disposed Of
two thighs, q wing. the breast and a
gizzard or two Of chicken. he turned
his attention to domestic affairs, and,
addressing his heir, said:
my son, what has become of your
watch?"
"Bet it on the election, - said the
boy, helping himself to some sauce.
And the ring / gave you last Christ
mas?''
Cup on the election, too" said the
young hopeful.
"And the pony?''
IL put him up to say that Barber
county would give Simpson a MAORI.
ty.'
"And the saddle, what has become
Of that?"'
"Oh, the saddle is all right, il a Ger.
tain man named Simpson carries Har.
per county by 300"
''And the shotgun?'' suggested the
father.
cup against IS that Long wouldn't
carry Sedgwick county"
"Have you anything at all left?''
asked Mr.. Simpson, after a moments
silence.
1.-The clothes I'm wearing and a few
extra Shirts" said the boy.
"What has become Of your Bank &C.
cOunt?''
"Staked or the political fortunes OF
my house, said the boy. II wish / had
some more money, for two men down
at the livery stable have 800. to say
that Long is elected. -
Jerry Simpson slipped his coffee med
itatively, and, rising from the table,
took out his checkbook and gave the
boy 500.
In a short time the boy came back
and said:
Pop, those livery stable fellows say
they would like to have another 300
Of Simpson money"
Jerry wrote another check, and in ten
minutes the boy, having placed it, came
back and said:
"I've bet EN- to a s~tandstill. They
want odds now - .
"How much?'' said Jerry.
"They want me to give 'em /. GOO
majority"
"Oh, that's all right, - said Jerry al
he made out a check for another 500.
The boy placed it, and after this nc
more bets were offered. .g.sLt
Simpsons boy wears diamonds now.
CHICAGO Record.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
beware.
Oh, the witchery Of her eyas'

Beware.
Oh, the witchery Of her eyas'
Tempting eyes,
Laughing eyes!
Laughing when her heart cen cries,
Never known to morAlixs,
Sometimes sad, yet vsr wise,
Ready e'er to sympashiae-
But tits only in hsr eyes.
Oh, the coquetry Of her syesi
Shocking eyes,
hooking eyes!
hooking when your heart replies
To her low aud tsrdef sighs,
Sometimes sad, yey ever wise.
Why should man % highly prise
Two such sinful. living Hest
-Bsrt1am A. Narbursh in Truth.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
More Than He Expected.

An old man was breaking stones one
day on a country road in Wales, when
a gentleman came riding along. Both
er these stonesi Take them out Of my
way" he said. "Where can I take them
to, your honor?' II don't care where.
Take them to hades if you like"
"Don't you think, your honor" said
the old man, ''that I'd better take 'em
to heaven? They'll be less in your hon
or's way there. Spare Moments.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12

A Washington young woman who
collects autographs 10 the envy of her
feminine acquaintance. She has Sc
cured the signature Of the new Turk
ish minister. The eccentric inscription
might be anything else so far as the
Impression which IL conveys to the An.
slo-Saxon eye is concerned, but its an
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
No Collection on SUNDAYS,

Not long ago two country schoolboys
came upon a pillar box, a thing they
had never seen before.
Said one, "This must be a Salvation
Army thing, because it's red"
"No," said No. 2. at amt that.
because it says. No collection on Sun
days. ANSWERS.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Shoppers.

"There!' said the woman who wants
to wear them.
"Well?" said her husband.
"a woman on q bicycle stopped a
runaway team a few days ago. And she
says it was her bloomers that enabled
her to do So"
"Shouldn't wonder. Most Of 'em I've
seen would stop a clock, and perhaps it
might work ON a team. "-Cincinnati
ENQUIRER.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
His Complaint.

] can sec why the sweet little maiden proposed.
understand why she aiored me.
The key TO her heart. was quite p!aialy dts.
closed
But there was Il problem that foored me. 81
/ spoke to her father in all modesty,
Assured him the thing was quite settled,
mi to my surprise and discontinue he
Appeared 10 be very much nettled.
The proceedings that followed ! canno relate.
He kicked me and punched me-All that.
Icare not. TIM used 70 such things may State,
But why did he smash my silk hstf
Tom Hal In New York Sunday World.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Condien

Two Georgians had engaged in q
warm political discussion. which was
brought to q close by one Of the dispu-
tants shootins and killing the other.
There was Q disposition to treat the At.
fair lightly, when q northern man said
10 q resident:
"Don't you really, think that some.
shing ought I be done to . man who
kills q political ~opponentf'
"Waal." was the reply. II s'pose il
would be all right not TO low him to
vote at the next Election. "-Truth.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Her Last Card.

Stimulating a passionate devotion. she
turned her eyes upon her oaptor. "And
you do not love met she said lapguish-
ingly.
"Love your The cannibal chieftain
smiled. my dear. I love you SO l could
cat you up"
With a sob Of anguished despair she
leaned upon her hatpin.-New York
Press.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
The Hour of Need.

With an awful crash the ship col.
lapsed and sank, and the maiden was
left struggling alone in the seething,
angry ocean,.
"Ah." she observed, this win new.
CT do. I must look for something to
stick my gum to-"
With which she struck out for some
bare, volcanic islets which she deserted
in the distance. Detroit Tribune.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Unknown Now.

"Uncle Simon, what ia old fashioned
~politeness?'
SIT is a way people used to have Of
asking a man about his health and then
listening until he got through replying"
Chicago Record.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12

"a steel trap Is called smart" ex.
planned Mr.. Asbury Peppers in his
sweetest voice, because it knows ex-
actly the right time to shut up.
More might have been said, but, un.
der the circumstances, it would have
eeemed uniting. Cincinnati Enquirer.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
A Wonder.

A Wonder.
"What was the most wonderful thing
you saw when you were abroad?' asked
one Of the grocery loafers Of the colo.
mel.
"Suh," said the colonel, a tinge of
reminiscent awe creeping into his voice,
''the most remarkable thing I saw was
a painting-a watah colah painting,
suh-of a bottle of old Bourbon. 1t
looked ~pufeckly natural. "-Cincinnati
Enquirer.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Amenities.

From the Plunkville Bugle: "It was
not necessary for the editor of our puer-
lie and ridiculous contemporary to an
nounce that hard cider is again in our
midst Any n would know that by
reading his editorials. Ha, ha!"-Indi-
annapolis journal.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Cause For

"Who is that attractive looking WON
an in black?"
"You mean the n in mourning?
Why, that's Mrs. Jenkins"
"You don't mean to say Jenkins is
dead, do your"
"Not at all. You see, she married
Jenkins money, and he's failed. -
New York Sunday Journal.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
He wss willing to STAY,

Stern Parent-You must understand.
sir, that I want my daughter to have
AZ good a. home after marriage rs she
had before, sir.
Jack Bluffington-Well. you're not
going to sell out, are you?-Baltimore
News.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Perfectly Helpless.

Aunt Maria-But why didn't you
sing ont when he attempted to kiss you!
Harriet-Why, You know, auntie. I
never can sing without my notes. -Bos.
| ton Transcript.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Botanical

"Our family" said the young man
in q tone of pride, ''came in with the
Mayfower."
"How interestingly rejoined Miss
Cayenne. "And it seems to be going
ont with the chrysanthemum. Wash
ington Star.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
AIOOted Question.

Ma" asked the little girl, "are nice
things wicked because they are nice. OR
are they nice because they are wicked9'
Cincinnati Enquirer.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Granted, but Still

"You didn't know Humabaw was q
poet? Why, he has written verses for
the magazines for years"
"Woll?''-Chicago Tribune.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
A Winner.

She--I understand you proposed to
Emily while out for II stroll last nighty
He-Yes. Iwon in awalk.-Yonkers
Statesman.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Beyond Reach.

Ethel-You may ask papa, Mr.. Van
lshe.
Van Ishe-My darling, I'll never he
able to find him. He owes me SEQ
Truth,
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
There's the Rub.

Arthur would marry that girl but
for n thing. II
Chester-Afraid to pop the question?
Arthur-No. Afraid to question her
p.-Brooklyn Life.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Through Cars
~TO~

TIME SCHEDULE.
Northern Pacific time card in effect Monday.
June 10.
ARRIVE AT HELENA.
No. 5, Pacific Express, west bound $40 q. m.
No. q. Atlantic EXPIRES. east bound, 200 a. m.
No. 8 livingston and Missoula local,
daily except Sunday ,............. II 100 a. m.
No 4, Missonla and Livingston local.
daily except sunday ........... 400 p. m.
No. 8, Marysville mixed. daily except
Sunday. ...,. ......... ..,... $50 a, m.
ly except Sunday. runs from Basin
days. from Elkhorn on Tuesdays,
Thursdays and Satudays......... 500 p. IN.
NO. lux, Rtmini mixed. Tuesdays only $50 p. m.
DEPART FROM HELENA.
No. 8, Pacific Express, w~estbound, 3:45 a. nj.
No. g., Atlantic Express, eastbound, 2:O5 q. m.
No. 3, Livingston and Missoula local
daily except Sunday. h. +. "a. II :O6 a. M.
No. 4, Missoula and Livingston local
daily except Sunday. ........,>,. 2:l0p =. m.
Sunday 3:3Op. m.
daily except Sunday, runs to Basin
to Elkhorn Tuesdays, Thursdays
and Saturdays. 80. ........ 49,. T:l5 q. m.
No. loi. Rimini mixed Tuesdays only 1880 a. m.
Through tickets to Japan and China, via Ia
coma and Northern Pacific SteamshipCo 20.
For information, time cards, maps and tickets,
call on or write
ID. EDGAR.
GENERAL. AGENT, HELENA, MONTANA,
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
A Difference.

"Dah's er big dif'unce,'' said Uncle
lihen, sin de Righteousness O. tellin de
troof ez err matter O. conscience an tell.
in it case hits gwinter hut somebody's
feelin's. - Washington Star.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
4 Capital Operation.

"And what do you regard AZ the
greatest triumph of modern surgery?"
Collecting the bills, i" promptly re.
sponded the great practitioner. Detroit
News.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12

Perdita-Ah, me, I was IL once!
Penelope-But you We been 81 good
many times. haven't your-Trnth.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Great Strides.

First Chicago Man-It's wonderful
what modern invention has done for a
mans relief.
Second Chicago Man-What were you
thinking Of?
"The last honeymoon I went on all
the tunnels were lighted by electricity"
New York Herald.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
He Noticed It.

ENTHUSIASTICALLY, / didn't notice the
dresses. Mrs. Brown, though, wore her
gown Ell train.
Wife-It's u wonder you noticed that
much!
Husband-Ceuldn't help it. stepped
Oh it.-Chicago Record.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Horse Nonsense.

II don't think I am really any cheap
er than ! used to be, " argued the horse.
II am worth just as much as ! ever
was. The bicycle has appreciated. That's
all. Chicago Tribune.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
In One Way. Yes,

"She's very advanced, isn't she?"
"Well, she's forward, if that's what
you mean. "-Detroit News.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
Agreed With Him.

He-You know I always think that
it's people who make a place.
She-Yes, isn't this an awful hole?-
Pick Me Up.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
His Way.

Bambury-l hear that Stimpton is
dead. Did he leave his wife much?
Mispah-I suppose so. He always left
her as much al he could while he was
alive.-Boston Transcript.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12

An 1nducement to p
~ never, never allow a man to kiss
me unless WI are engaged.
Dear me! Don't you find SO many
engagements trorblesome?'-Brooklyn
Life.
The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1896-12-12
She Would Not Please Him,

IN OuIU INOV 1IeaSC HIN.
Mr.. Brown (sick of arguing)-Now,
my dear Mariae please yourself, and
you'll please me.
Mrs. Brown-I shall do nothing of
the kind. Moon
The Colfax chronicle. [volume] (Colfax, Grant Parish, La.) 1877-1981, 1896-10-24
Renovating harness.

Harness should never be allowed to
get greasy and dirty, so as to need
scraping and cleaning and scrubbing
with stiff brush and soda water; but,
if it is in that condition, then take it
apart, so far as practicable, and clean
each part thoroughly, and work DE.
tween the hands in warm. soapy
water until quite soft and
plant. CASTLE soap is consid-
cred the best to wash with, but
any good white soap win answer, and
is cheaper. When quite clean. hang
up in room where it will dry slowly,
and before it is entirely dry, rub it
well with cod-liver oil, which is better
than neat's-foot oil, because rats and
mice won't touch harness rubbed with
it, while they will that CREASED with
the latter oil. Moreover, eod-liver oil
has more body than neat's-foot oil.
The Colfax chronicle. [volume] (Colfax, Grant Parish, La.) 1877-1981, 1896-10-24
Fringe Trimmings.

A number of new dresses show fringe
trimmings in various grades, qualities
and Kinds. There is twisted silk friEgs
in heavy grade that makes a very pretty
apdappropriate trimming for wool cos
tunes. One style resembles the fringe
on the old-Iashioned wool shawls. But
little of this is in market as yet, but il
is said to be one of the coming trim.
mings. This kind of fringe has peri
odical revivals, but never lasts any
length OF time. II is initiated in such
cheap goods that one season is quite as
long a lease of life as it is likely to get
What used TO be known as willow fringe
is to be. worn again. 1t is brought out in
very handsome and expensive styles
1t is unquestionabiy one of the most al.
tractiye trimmings for black goods; but
in colors il never comes out with very
good effect. As black is to be one of tbs
seasons colors, this fringe will bs
prominent among the garnitures for the
next few months.-N. Y. Ledger.