Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1896-10-08
THE WEDDING WAS DELAYED.
Two Ushers Were Overcome at a Bach
elor Dinner and Couldn't Serve.

Two Ushers Were Overcome at a Bach
elor Dinner and Couldn't Serve.
In the beginning it was the bachelor
dinner. Previous to that the two
ushers had been respectable and sober
| young citizens. But at the dinner
they drank champagne, and then more
champagne. To the bride they drank
it, and to the groom, and to the brides
family, taking each member separate
ly, and to the groom's family in the
same way, after which the minister
remained, SO they paid their respects
to him. and followed him up with his
family member by member. By this
time the other ushers had stopped
drinking and the best man had long
since dragged the groom off and put
him to bed. But the two ushers sat
and drank to each other until they
were in a frame of mind where they
did not care whether school kept or
not, and said so with thick emphasis
Eventually they went to their hotel
together in a cab, and because it was
then a. m and the wedding was to
be at II they ordered up Scotch whisky
and soda-"for a settler" they said
and played freeZe-Out poker until 8
O'Clock. After that they went out to
a drug store, where they imbibed am
monia cocktails and other deleter-
ious concoctions until, as they in
formed the drug clerk, they
felt like a pair of knockout drops. On
their return to the hotel to dress they
discovered surprising phenomenon,
two surprising phenomena, in fact
one each. This was the state of the
case: That by virtue of the druggists
connections they were sober as long as
they remained upright, but as soon as
they bent over to put on their shoes
they became very dizzy and sprawled
upon the floor, only reaching their
normal condition again by the kind
assistance of the furniture. They
went to the church looking very ser-
Gus, and proceeded to usher to the
best of their ability.
If they had only remembered about
those shoes all would have been well.
For time they ushered with eXem-
plary propriety and dull, CLASSY
stares of impeccable responsibility.
Then it 'happened that in coming down
the aisle together after having put
certain members of the brides family
in their proper places, they brushed
against rosette of white ribbon which
designated the special seats, and
fell on the floor. This was the place
at which they should have passed on
unheeding. But they forgot that they
were sober only under certain con-
dtions. Simultaneo ly they stopped
over to pick that bow of ribbon, and
simultaneously they became unani-
mously drunk. Clasping each other
nearest seat with a graceful side
swing, like q team of variety trick
dancers. Then each put his heavy
head in his clammy hands and thought
and thought and thought. The organ
began to play the preliminary strains,
but it fell unheeded on their ears.
People peered curiously at them.
They never noticed it. The other
ushers rushed up and in semitearful
tones besought them not to be fools,
but to get up and make a bluff at it.
Profanity and eXhortation passed
above those bowed heads like a gentle
breeze. The two ushers sat there and
thought and thought and thought.
Through the keyhole of the door at
the front of the church the best man
contemplated them with horror, while
he assured the groom that everything
was going on beautifully. The bride
was waiting. The minister was wait
ing. The organist was waiting. The
people We're waiting. The groom was
getting nervous and the best man was
fighting against collapse, but the two
sat with their heads in their hands
and thought and thought and thought.
Then, because there was nothing else
to do, the other ushers seized them and
carried them into the fresh air.
Inside the wedding march pealed
and the wedding procession went up
the aisle, two shy. Outside the two
sat upon the stone steps of the church
with their heads in their hands and
thought and thought and thought. The
popuace jeered them. but that made
no difference. The sexton attempted
to remove them, but they shook their
weary heads with their clammy hands
and remained wrapped in self-com-
munion And. while they sat there
and thought and thought and thought
the pair inside the church were mar
ried New York Sun.
I\NtTI TOMS IJ~N