davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The herald., 1896-06-27

The following 10 q good plan. says
Frenchman. to avoid tipping the waiter at
restaurant: when the bill comes, pay
II exactly. certain involuntary express
sion of establishment will be visible on the
walters face. we'll trained though It may
be. You should then rise. saying to him.
4 have made an excellent dinner; you man
age the establishment much better than
the preceding proprietor did, During bis
rapture at being mistaken for the owner o.
tho restaurant you escape"
The herald., 1896-06-27
Fifty Per Cent. on.

A speculator on the Bourse was asked,
"You have ceased to do business with
Z@?"
Don't talk to mo of that fellow" was
the reply. II never salute him now. He
had the audacity to say that swlndled him
out OF forty thousand francs"
"Oh, dear. no! He said twenty thou
sand
"Ah! that Ia different" said the Boursiers
and took off his hat.-Les Debats.
The herald., 1896-06-27
A Clever Ruse.

Visitor-How do you manage TO keep
your father from opening your love let
tiers?
Alma-I get my young man to write ON
the envelope the words, "Cigar price list. -
and when father sees that he throws the
letters unopened into the waste basket.
and ! pick them out when his back L.
turned.-Humoristlsch Blatter.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Judge Ito expert NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
sir, you are to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth.
Expert-Then, your honor, / might
as well step down. l can tell the
truth, and nothing but the truth, but II it
comes to the whole truth, my fee Isn't
sufficiently large.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Raptures-Ob. my darling! would die
| for you, 1 would!
| Sweet One-Would you, really? Then I'll
! tell you how to do 1t.
Raptures-Ah, but should have to leave
you II l did SO. and l could never stand
| that, you know.
The herald., 1896-06-27
Professional Assurance.

DR.. A., who prldes himself on his pow
ers Of diagnosis, was called in to see lady.
II zee that you are ailing," he at once OBJ
served. with a knowing smile. "Slight at
tacks OF indigestion and nervous irrit-
ability"
"Sir-"
ALLOW me to finish. Your constitution is
out of order-'
Excuse me-" the lady interrupted; ut Ia
not who am ILL.,, 1t is my uncle"
Whereupon the doctor placldly remarked:
cha! l suspected as much!'-Le Petit Par
isien.
The herald., 1896-06-27
Chipa.

"well, 90 long! I'm OF for 4 spin." wa
the spiders farewell.
An affair of honor Is too often the result
of an affair Of dishonor.
"This is something that has lately come
under my eye," said the pugiist. a. he In
spected the bruise on his cheek.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Aunt-Oscar, what dress did your mother
put on to go to the ball?
Oscar-A long. white, short dress.
Aunt-Nonsense: II cannot have been
both long and short.
Oscar-Yes, auntie, It was long at the
bottom and short at tho top.-Familien-
blatt.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Anxious Passenger say, my man. is
that boat going UP or down?
Riverside Loafer-Well, she's a leaky
old tub so I shouldn't wonder if she was
goin' down; then, again. her bilers amt
none too good, SO she might go up.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Elder-why. Jock. heard that 70 were
drowned.
Jock-Na. that wasna me; It was ma
brither.
Elder-Eh. mon, what pity; what . most
awful pity.
The herald., 1896-06-27

please pass me the salt" said the first
boarder.
salt shouldn't be taken with this
course" said the second boarder.
Il know it. I'm not taking it with this
course; I'm taking it with your last re-
mark"
The herald., 1896-06-27

my dear" said Wife who had been
married three years. as sha beamed across
the table on her lord and master, tell
me what first attracted you to me. What
pleasant characteristic did l possess which
placed me above other women In your
sight"
And her lord and master simply said. II
give 1t up.'
The herald., 1896-06-27

Prison Inspector1That man over there
seems to positively enjoy the treadmill
Warder-Yes, sir; e's used to the haction
e was q bicycle thief.-London It'd Bits.
The herald., 1896-06-27

'Do you think that young man Of yours
is really serious?" asked the anxious
mother Don't worry about that, please"
said the lovely girl; 81 am and that's quite
enough 10 settle the business"
The herald., 1896-06-27

Wfggs-Im afraid Lushers had little
too much of that champagne; he's fairly
knocked up altogether.
Waggs-Yee. he certainly is-what one
might call a fz-ical collapse, Ell?
The herald., 1896-06-27

Muggns-Sharpe's had some money left
him, hasn't he?
Freckles-Yes, it's all left him some time
ago now.
Muggins-Oh, dear! oh, dear! and I lent
him flyer on the strength of it.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Doctor-You are tagged out; you must
give up all headwork.
Patient-Why, that spells ruin! I'm
hairdresser!
The herald., 1896-06-27

Young Barlow has selected his VEGA
ton
what is his choce?"
He has decided to become a poet"
Nonsense! What qualification has hep"
he mas one very important qualifca-
tion."
Name it,"
IAN assured income"
The herald., 1896-06-27

silversmith-That teapot 10 for member
of Parliament Isn't 1t q beauty?
Philosopher think you have not made
enough of one feature.
Silversmith-What's that7
Philoeopher-The spout.
The herald., 1896-06-27

! A LADY and gentleman accidentally touched
each others feet under the table. Secret
telegraphy," she said.
. Communion of soles, think" said he.
The herald., 1896-06-27
Ono at a Time.

Clara-Docs your intended know that you
wear false teethf
Ella-I intend breaking It gently TO
him; have already owned to ona-Loss
Batter.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Manager-Yes yes, very good burlesque-
very clever, witty lines and pretty lyrics,
but no good. my boy. no good.
Young Author-Why, what's the matter
with it?
Manager-Matter? Good gracious why
the perfect lucidity and conference OF the
plot Is absolutely fatal.
The herald., 1896-06-27
9 &
Qf:1ksa2

Cholly-I can't make this beastly olga
wette draw.
Boy--why don't you get out and push.
misterf
The herald., 1896-06-27

She-What have you there, George?
He-Oh, it's the new, adjustable engage
ment ring-fts any finger. I have found
1t neat thing, assure you. Will you
try it on?
The herald., 1896-06-27

A country clergyman recently announced
from the pulpit: "a collection will be made
at the poor for the benefit of the door,"
The herald., 1896-06-27

"A minister having walked through WILL
age churchyard, and observed the indis-
eliminate praises bestowed upon the dead.
wrote upon the gatepost the following:
Here lie the dead. and here the living
liei''
The herald., 1896-06-27

Young Bride (pouting)-Here We have
only been married two days. Clarence, and
you're scolding me already
Husband-I know, my dear; but just
think how long have been waiting for the
chance.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Mamma-You know, Johnny when NAM
ma whips her little boy, she does 1t for his
own good.
Johnny-Mamma, wish you didn't think
quite so much Of me.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Beggar-Beg pardon, sir, but have seen
better days than this.
Passer-b y-So have I; the weather is hor-
rid.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Aforementioned Party-why. how do you
do. Barker? How's your wife?
Barker-My wife? Why. my dear doctor.
never married.
Absent-minded Party-Really! Congrat-
ulate her for me.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Mother-Have you been fighting, Tommy
Tommy Choking with his sobs)-No; I've
been fought.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Let 60 my ear" yelled passenger on
BALKAN tramcar.
II beg your pardon" said the ether man,
II thought had hold Of the strap"
The herald., 1896-06-27

A:-What benevolent look old Mr.. Podds
has!
B.-H'm. III bet be wastes the time of
more beggars than any other man in town.
The herald., 1896-06-27

you say he is a remarkable man7"
very"
''In what way?"
"He's the only scientist in the country
who has not made an important discovery
relative to The X rays"
The herald., 1896-06-27

Before the fact to his mind occurred
That he'd placed himself on the fire with
care,
And planted the cole on his easy chair!!
The herald., 1896-06-27
DANCE OF THE HIGGIEs.
A Sop to Cerberus.

A Sop to Cerberus.
Grosbinet has a violent discussion with
gentleman who has called him "porcu-
WITHDRAW that expresslon" howled Gros-
binet.
"Never" -
I'm call you to account for It."
GAS you please"
Grosbinet (simmering DOWN: "Come, now.
YOU really must withdraw something
"All right" said the other. "I'lt with
draw 'upine.'
And Grosbinet walked on as content as
you please."-Le Petit Liegeois.
After dinner at the cafe Robby noticed.
with bullying eyes, the heaping pile Of
change which the waiter brought back to
his father.
ooh, papa, I'd like a plate of that, tool"
The following somewhat ambiguous para
graph appeared in a provincial newspaper:
1--WE regret to find that the announce
ment Of the death Of Mr.. w IL ma
licious fabrication. .
The herald., 1896-06-27
Il IE--Ls-i-iI..-j

Hunker--What prompted you to ask Miss
Giddey to be your wife?
Spatts-I think Miss Giddey herself
prompted me more than anybody else.
The herald., 1896-06-27

He dmpetuously)-Fo the eighth time
ask you to marry me!
She (composedly)-And for the eighth
time must say this is SO sudden!
The herald., 1896-06-27

Mistress-Bridget, understand you have
been seen several times listening at the
pdrlor door.
Slavey-Sure mem. and it's myself
would scorn the action but whin I put my
ear to the keyhole / can't help overhearing.
The herald., 1896-06-27

Edlth-Yes, love- It must be 60 satlsfac-
tory to you to find out he really has
brain, after all.
And then, Of course, there was the usual
shindy
The herald., 1896-06-27

Mabel-Isn't it sad about my poor Percy !?
he's got conclusion OF the brain.
Edith (who had once 1shed for him.
Well-yes. dear, OF course; but how very
gratifying in one respect.
MOI
The herald., 1896-06-27

70 replenish his fire the author rose;
But, being in novel-inditing throes,
He performed the action-the truth to say
In an absent-minded, mechanical way.
And the sound Of his cracking flesh he
The herald., 1896-06-27

mo- excuse me, this was precedent in
ITSELF" interrupted the other.
The herald., 1896-06-27

ehindy.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.

The Electrical World wrestles with
the above German compound word in
the following festive fashion,;
THE above j. another little German
gem we notice in a contemporary. To
solve it, it must be taken in install
raents; the real beginning is near the
end, and the real end is the beginning,
but this rule is not followed strictly,
FOR, if it were, ii might be more con
yenient 70 read il by means of mirror.
Begin near the end, then start again
near the middle, and continue this oscil-
lating process until all the letters and
syllablcs have been interpreted, being
careful TO get the right combination.
The interesting part Of the solution l.
10 find the correct separation between
the individual words, which are not
separated by hyphcns, presumably TO
save trouble Gin writing, not in read
ing) For instance, this word has moth
ing TO do with the following, although
they form parts Of it: Ochs German
for OK, span, pan, SAX. cren, German
for ears rem Ounning), bat, batter or
Erie, although these words taken to-
gether might suggest an interesting lit
tie story The correct solution is as fol-
lows: y battery Of accumulators whose
voltage is high.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
The Dog That Got the Ducks.

\ good story Is told of hunters from
Washington who went 10 the coast Of
North Carolina to shoot ducks.
There we're six men i'll the party,
and they had three dogs with them
They hunted in couples. each two hav
ing dog Shooting was good. ana from
each Of the six couples the sound or
guns lcing fired notified then friends
Of their success. for they were only a
short distance apart
Each couple was son Cwhat indig-
nant. because " LcncVCra duck fell thcil
own dog fa'icd 1 Ct y. one dog go N
ing TO secure almost every one II the
wild fowl
AT luncheon time they all came To-
gethcr
well. what luck" WAS the general
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
Baby Separator.

A Kansas correspondent inquiries IF
q baby Nc > hand separator Is sufficient
ly large for "a heard of ID or 20 cows"
This separator will skim 300 pounds
of milk peg hour, leaving not over one
tenth of per cent fat in the skimmilk
if the milk Is warmed to the right tenn
perature. This is better than can he
done with any system Of setting with
which we are acquainted. a man used
TO the work Will turn a separator for the
milk of 20 cows without finding IT, very
difficult labor. Skim twice day, pour
ing the milk fresh drawn from the cow
into the separator tank. Fresh drawn
milk. til the warmth IL carries, is JUS
about the right temperature for the bes
skimming. and unless exposed 10 the
cold and Swimming is delayed there Ii
usually no need OF warming up such milk
| should prefer. however. TO have some
small power to drive the separator
Small tread powers are now becoming
common, and a bull or light horse viii
work one of these, giving entire sa,is-
faction. Ey this means If the separator
is placed IN room adjoining the baru
the mixers can carry their pals of milk
aud strain directly into the separator
tank. y Jersey bull used for slimmiug
the milk i'll this way at this station a
couple of years since seemed to be well
pleased with the job after he understood
what was expected of him.
This bull weighed less than 600 pounds
when first used IN the tread power and
yet his weight was sufficient 10 drive the
separator at "A satisfactory speed. The
dairyman adopted the practice Of giving
this bull a drink Of warm skimmilB
after each separation and it was anus
ing to see the young fellow working
away on the tread power drooling at the
mouth in anticipation Of the warm drink
Of milk which he seemed TO relish great.
iy and to regard as full compensation foI
all labor performed W. A
denry ip Bee .dcr's Gazstte
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
= =. ~ -e71 -
Germans NJ WOrkmen.

Some years ago German bakers began
TO be employed iii London fer baking
fancy bread IN course Cf time they
blossomed into small employers, drove
out all competitors by sweating their
countrymen, until they have now mo-
nopoli2ed the east end business and
have nearly doubled in numbers within
the last 20 years. just the same with
the butchers, furriers tailors and hair
dressers. Some of these trades are fur
ther swelled by the failures-the young
fellows who cannot pass their staatsex-
amen-aud are shipped off to England
To sink or swim, as our own failures are
sent TO Australia. A German publisher
In London told me that one day he met
five old university friends in Regent s
park, and every one had become a bak-
or. Hairdressing Is another refuge for
the destitute, waiting in restaurants a
third
The increase Of Germans, therefore,
does not represent any addition TO the
industrial life Of the country in the
shape of especial skill or new trades, as
was the case with the French cmigrants
in the sixteenth and seventeenth centu-
ries. The only exceptions are few men
employed in the high class bakeries and
those connected with the fur trade. In
all other industries they are distinctly
inferior wmkmen and only employed
on the cheapest and commOnest work.
The French, the Italians and the Scan
diavians excel in every industry pur-
some departments they possess certain
unique capacities, as cabinetmakcrs, fol
instance, guldsmiths and glassblowcrs
The Germans are signalized by a gener
al incapacity for doing first rate WORK
of any kind, with the exceptions men
toned. National Review.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29

A correspondent writes: | was oncs
witness TO, | think, one Of the most
unique demonstrations that ever took
place on tho stage and in il the veteran
actor Howe was leading parsonage. IT
was in the days If the famous old Hay
market company, and they were play
ing in Manchester. L. leading members
were Blackstone, Chippendalc and Howe.
Kendall, who was Il new actor. was Try
ing To fill the vacancy which Falren ;
departure had made, and Mrs. Kendall,
then Madgc Robertson, was Just coming
to the front The old Haymarllet come
dies were given with delicious freedom.
On a particular saturday night there
was, however, something going on among
the actors and actresses on the stage
which the audience could not fathom.
Il think, continues the correspond
ent, ''thc play was she Stoops to Con
quer Buckstone's delivery was thicker
than usual Chippendale was superb as
the cxcitdbIe father, aud the twinkle III
his eye was mcrrier and his hop moro
erratic than its won't. Howe was perfect
ly buovant, and his pointed remarks
mystifed the mystery. Kendall and Miss
Robertson played with delightful-al-
most gushing-atfection as the lovers,
The lessee of the thcater, who was APP
parently in the secret with the friends
around him, for long time refused to
tell them the cause Of the eXuborance on
the stage but as the denouement of the
play came about he let out that Kendall
and Madgc Robertson that afternoon had
been made man and wife III a Manches-
ter church, and that on the fall Of the
curtain in reality the lovers in more
than the sense of the comedy had been
made one. The news spread through the
theater like wildtirc, and when Buck
stone, Chippendale and Howe, each gen
erously holding each other up, brought
the newly welded bashful couple to the
front of the stage cheers went up such
as are rarely heard in a theater Howe
was the last Of that famous trio to sur
vive. "-Westminster Gazette.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
A GREAT tNYDY
To Carry on an Almos5 Kc,l les Figi.s
At Last the Fight is Over

our representative called at 20 Bait
Creek Avenue, the residence of : | kOl
bins, aud i'm an interview with him hropci
out the following facts Mr. ROl 3 II
OF his wife ) experience i'm m1.l,. tl.Ht
carries conviction with his Wer. ii
says: " am sorry my wife is not Il nc
this L. NJ, but no one know l. tier 'dG
| how she has suffered during past ) .ls.
For twenty years she has been af .cl
with the various forms of kinney com
plant and an enlargement Of the liver
She was often confined 10 her bed for NOR
than two weeks at "a time suffering "A old
agony. She has d0ctorcd conslaG ~, AMI
| have paid out in doctors bills Tor hct
alone as much rs 5000 90, and then her re-
lief was only such that she would be able
10 be around for "A spell. Some time ag0
she felt the symptoms of another attlc'
coming on, such rs Il pain in through the
kidneys and back hardly know what
induced me % ret box Of Doan's Kidney
Pills, instead II sending for the family
physician; however, | got some and she
commenced their use. 1t was surprise
10 MS both TO see their action, the attack
was wardcd off. and she continued takn4
them with marked improvement each day
of their use She is better now than she
has been in years, the pain in the back and
others in the kidneys have entirely gone
Hardly a day goes by that we do not men
ton the great good Doan's Kidney Pills
have done her. | was always opposed To-
patent medicines but confess that my
wifc's experience with Doans Kidney
Pills has done much to change my opin-
ions. If it We're not for those pills She
would not have been able to be out this
afternoon.
Doan's Kidney Pills for sale by all deal
ers-pricc, 80 cents. Mailed by Foster
Milburn Co., Buffalo, n Y, sole agents
for tho L. : Remember the name Docns,
and take no other.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
The Collar Hutton.

"The literature of the collar button
is voluminous, said the middle aged
man, but it does not begin to equal Ill
bulk that which was written about the
simple shirt button If the days before
the blessed collar button came into
vogue. The jokes that were written
about the woes Of the bachelor who
found his shirts without buttons or with
buttons hanging only by IA thread would
I'LL barrels In fact, the young man Of
today who frets over Il missing collar
button. which he can readily replace,
should rather rejoice that he lives III
this enlightened age when he doesn't
have 10 sew his buttons on New
York sun
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
Oxalic Acid.

The useful chemical known as oxalic acid
EN- loved in dyeing and some other arts,
isl w mentioned as one of the CONNER
cially valuable products derived from saw.
dust. A familiar process is that in which
nitric acid and sugar are boiled for some
time, then evaporated TO dryncss, the
oxalic acid thus formed being purified by
capitalization from water. "A much cheap.
er material than sugar In this case as al.
legged, is sawdust, an alkali being EN-
ployed instead of an acid, as we'll as at q
higher temperature The operation Is con-
Quoted in an iron vessel of proper size and
shape, and either caustic soda or potash Is
employed, the yield being greater with the
latter In regard to this point, however,
experiment is said to prove that mixture
of 40 parts of caustic potash TO 60 parts OF
caustic soda will produce as large yield
rs when potash alone is used, provided the
operation is performed in shallow vessels
with thin layers of the material, avoiding,
as far as possible, the fusion of the mass.
Soft woods, like pine and fir, produce
larger quantities of oxalic acid than hard
wood like oak, and the rule Is u proper
ton of wood 10 alkali not exceeding 10 to
100 and temperature Of about $50 de-
grees F-New York sun.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
Khabarofka, siberia

KhabarOfka is a wretched looking ~.
tie place, about quarter the size Ct
Vladivustok, although it is the capital
of eastern Siberia and the residence OF
the governor general. 1t lies about IN
degrees latitude north, or g degrees
north Of Vladivostok. In the public gar
den is "a bluff commanding a birdseye
view of the river, beach and steamers
Here is monument, i'll bronze, TO Gov
ernor General Adjutant General Nikolai
Nikolaievitch Muravief, who took part
in two exploring expeditions - 1884,
lS55-and gained the title "Amurski"
for his services in the acquisition Of
this Ainur region 20 Russia. The chief
street in Khabarofka is called, after
him, Muravief- Amurski. On the stat
ue's pedestal are engraved the name
of himself, his wife, about 20 military
officers and seven scientific men, who
"shared in the tolls and dangers of Liz
expeditions. Near the statue is baud
stand. where military band plays on
Sunday evenings, and little temple Of
the Blessed Virgin, the Bogoroditza,
with painted pictures inside the walls.
Further OH is pretty little wood, left
for shade Behind is the governor =
house, fine brick building, with sem
tries pacing before it. Past the wood a
steep path leads to the bathing place,
where one has the choice of wading in
from the stony beach or diving from q
regular bathing house at the end of a
dilapidated wooden pier. -Fortnightly
Review.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
nv QUEEN.
Dear wife and perfect friend, my household

Dear wife and perfect friend, my household
queen,
With watchful care making my home so dear
5 That all NY work mere p1stime doth appear I;
n hut thy fair iscc IN my room be seen,
And the soft VOICES music intervene,
Like uel.ly itself tho brain to clear
OF o'orspun tissue OF thoughts atmosphere
By gracious fancies where Gods hand hath
been
Man cannot rise. or 50 | think, 20 heights
Whore spirits pure as thine unconscious
move
Till that white Purity's exceeding lights
The gross + spirits earthly strain reprove
And the best angel a. J,hCy.hs fights
Arm us anew with his whole arnor-Love
Spectator
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29
The Point Of Similarity.

"That poem of yours, remarked tAe
fippant person. reminds me Of Spen-
scr's 'Faeric Queene. y
But, said the aspiring writer, you
told me yesterday that you had never
read the 'Faerie Queene -
Eyes. That's why your poem reminds
me of it, Washington Star.
Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1896-05-29

Professor y DO YOU know find it diff
fculr 10 remrmbrrthc ages of my children
Professor J.--l move nu such trouble
was born 23JU years after socrates, my
wife /. $40 years attcs tie Gvatho T,beriu'
Cesar, our son .Iohn 1000 years after tho
entrance intu Rome of Titus Scmproniu:
Gracious Tor the rc-enaCtncnt of The
'leges LicinW, ~ and our Amanda DOC
years after the beginning OF the folk wan
dering-that j. perfectly simple, you see
-rIicgeude Batter.