davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The herald., 1896-02-25
broke Down the Celestial Gate.

Broke Down the Celestial Gate.
St. Peter-What's all that disturbance
about down at the gate?
Assistant-A party Of football players
who were killed in the v rush have de-
manded admittance.
St. Pcter-Well. tell them they can't
come in.
Assistant did, sir; but they formed a
rush line and broke down the gate.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Vis;tor-What, the churches all closed!
Why, is every minister in town away on
vacation?
Native--Nope; but everybody in towns
got a bike,
The herald., 1896-02-25

"All those in favor of war with England
say aye!'
AYE" thundered the members Of the
Trouble Club
"All those who are ready to go to the
front in the event OF war say aye.'
1t was so still you could hear cough
drcp. .-ItoXbury Gazette
The herald., 1896-02-25

80 they were divorced, eh?"
"Yes; for incompatibility OF temper.
How did it come about?"
"Well. YOU see, he had the incompati-
bility and she had the emper."-Judge.
The herald., 1896-02-25

'T don't believcte world is going round
all the time" saidJack-"fact, / know il
isn't. II it was, WIN I Jumped in the air
it would have slid igbt away from under
me. Atlanta Constution.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Doctor Ito page boy)-W. was the gen.
tleman who called just now.
Page Bay-Smith. sir.
Doctor-Whats that? fo should say
Mister Smith.
Page Boy-Pleaee. sir, dict know he
was married.-London Judy.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Mstress--This passes all bounds, Anna.
Last night you had three soldiers in the
kitchen with you.
Cook-Yes, ma'am, but the hussar had
his supper before he came.-Solidaten-
freund.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Maria-It says here they're very par
tickler in England about who'll 60 down
first to dinner.
silas-Don't they have enough for every
body Puck.
The herald., 1896-02-25
NuPTIAL KNOTS UNITED.

A Chicago woman sued for divorce on the
grounds that her husband was fool She
got the divorce, and Chicago husbands feel
that they are now on pretty thin Ice
Peck's Sun.
The herald., 1896-02-25

will I enlist if war breaks out?" said
the man from Detroit. "Why sir, up in
Detroit We have already organized a reg-
ment, and at the first outbreak of hosti-
tiles We are going to cross the river. seize
Walkerville and hold The distilery there
until there is nothing worth holding
The herald., 1896-02-25

Mr.. Merton-Is it true that you are going
| to follow your sisters example by marrying
an English lord?
| Miss Shoddie-Yes, 1t is quite true. They
come high. but we must have 'em, you
| know.--Fdshions.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Young Doctor (on his hSneymoon)--Just
observe, wifey, dear. the curious tints of the
sky. That cloud poised on the mountain
crest over yonder is exactly the color OF
diseased liver
The herald., 1896-02-25

scrimpitt-Doctor, this bill is preposter.
ous!-ridculous.
Dr.. Chargem (blandly)-Well | don't
mind saying thet it's absurdly low myself
Harpers Bazaar.
The herald., 1896-02-25

"Jabber's son, they sa. could talk when
only two weeks Old
That's nothing. TheBible says Job
cursed the day he was bo."-Judge.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Lecturer (who has been telling his east
side audience the story Of Pygmalion and
Galatea)--And now, who can tell me how
Pygmalions love was returned?
Voice from the Gallery-He got de marble
heart
The herald., 1896-02-25

A Western man bets that he can eat four
large steaks in four minutes. He's waiting
for some one to put up the stakes.-Yonk-
ers Statesman.
The herald., 1896-02-25

A boy walked into merchants ONCE tbs
other day in search Of situation. After
being put through catechism by the mer-
chant he was asked: "Well, my lad, and
what is your motto?'
Same as yours. sir" he replied; "sams
as you have on your door, 'Push.'"
He was engaged
The herald., 1896-02-25

Mr.. Wabash--Mrs. Finckly seems very
happy tonight.
Mrs Lakely-Yes. She has Just secured
her first divorce. and is cackling over it
like a pullet over her first egg.-Truth.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Wade (bitterly)--Just to think Of 1t. my
rich aunt leaves her money to the Old
Ladies' Home, and to me only a small lock
of her hair to remember her by!
Butcher (dryly)-Sort Of will O. the wisp,
eh2
The herald., 1896-02-25

"Your crime" said the South Dakota
Judge. ''is absolutely inexcusable. A man
who will not take the trouble to get di-
vorce deserves no mercy"
And he gave the convicted bigamist the
full penalty of the law.-Puck.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Lady at the Door-I believe in my heart
you are the same tramp | gave d large
piece of pic to few days ago,
Tramp-No. maam; you are mistaken.
+ He's dead.-Ionkers Statesman.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Tr;vyet--I understand that Burlington
fell in love with his wife while out bicycle
riding.
Dicer-It wouldn't be Burlington II be
went out bicycle riding without falling into
something
The herald., 1896-02-25
A Double ShearinI

A Double ShearinG
The barber clipped his curly locks
For which be paid quarter,
Although it left his hair quite short
His pocketbook was shorter.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Deacon Brown think Smith must have
something on his conscience.
Deacon Jones-Why do you think so?
Deacon Brown-You never see him asleep
in church.
The herald., 1896-02-25

There are soc things in this world I
don't understan' said BOBBY. zone of
them Is why sill boys have such little
stomachs and SUI large appetites. ."-IIar-
per's Bazar
The herald., 1896-02-25

Ho;eck-What do you mean by saying
that he treated ven like lord?
romdok-He borrowed five hundred dol
lars from me.--Puck.
The herald., 1896-02-25

"IIe forged my fetters." said the melo-
dramatic complainant in a divorce case.
81 will file them" answered her lawyer
briskly.-Detroit Free Press.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Miggs-Are your daughters still in the
matrimonial market?"
Biggs-Yes. Twenty per cent discount to
save shipment to Paris for the spring season.
The herald., 1896-02-25
A Substitute.
ucI;y;on on Wheels.

81 see you're smoking cigarettes now?"
Eyes, my doctor has forbidden my smok-
ing tobacco"
The herald., 1896-02-25

care you,' she finally faltered, "really a
duke?"
"Can you doubt me?" he asked, intensely.
She ehivered
almost everything is adulterated nova
days" she muttered
The herald., 1896-02-25

Marley-It is no longer difficult to ind a
needle in haystack.
Barley-Why so?
Marley--Because last night I found two
authors at the Authors Club and q real
actor at the Players.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Tourist-Wasn't his death rather sudden
Texas Tom-Naw! He'd been stealth
bosses for a year.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Wsyworn Watson-Pardner, do you cat
pie wit knfe?
Perry Patctie-Wot pie?
The herald., 1896-02-25
BITS FOR DYsPEPT1Cs,

We have longed more for stomach to
stand buckwheat cakes than we ever longed
to be rich.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Vicar (severely to his cook)-Mary, YOU
had soldier in to supper last night.
Yes, sir; he's my brother"
"But you told me you had no brother"
$50 l thought, sir. until you preached
ers and sisters"
The herald., 1896-02-25

whenever we have big snow storm"
Says Tommy, ''it always makes
Me wish it was powdered sugar, and
A lot of cocoanut cakes"
The herald., 1896-02-25
Children of To-day,

Teacher-And now. little girls, how can
you show your gratitude to your parents for
giving you a good education?
The Glass in Chorus-By marrying rich.
The herald., 1896-02-25
Not n Nc1yspnpcr Lie

Clergyman--I married a deaf and dumb
couple yesterday.
Reporter--All right. III say it was a
quiet wedding.
The herald., 1896-02-25
As Usun

$50 you are going into literatuFe?"
"Yes."
"What will be your first article?"
advice to authors"
The herald., 1896-02-25
Advice to a Tramp.

II don't know what to say. madam, In
return for your kindness in giving me this
breakfast"
"Say nothing and saw wood"
The herald., 1896-02-25

Mebcl-Does the Count love you for your
money or your beauty?
Violet-Ncither; he was struck by the
way played baccarat. t.-Pick-Me-Up
The herald., 1896-02-25

Reporter--What do you find to be the
easiest thing to run in-tights?
Athlcte--Oh no; debt.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Lady Patient--Doctor, what do you do
when you burn your mouth with hot coffee?
Doctor-SWcar.
The herald., 1896-02-25
"How many do tw and two maker"

''You ignorant littlbeggar! Don't you
know that two and twtnake four?"
"Oh, yes! I knew at, but l thought
you'd beat me down a t.'-Sketch.
The herald., 1896-02-25
HandiCauDcd,

Handicapped.
Herdso--I'd like to write an occasional
magazine article. but can't do 1t.
Saidso--Why not?
Herdso-I have no den.
The herald., 1896-02-25

"Milton. thou shouldst be living atb;s hor%.
England hath need Of thee"-lr scrii.
bling girls
Write wicked books of such terrifaowsr
The man who reads them finds hibair .,
curls. Chicago Ford
The herald., 1896-02-25
Catastrophe.

Haverly-That wasa terrible setback
Coldcal some poetry VII the refrain: meet
me by moonlight alone
Austin-What did shqo?
Haverly--She wrote Blk and asked him
/, who the girl was he ID afternoons and
rainy nights
The herald., 1896-02-25

"How did Brown come to be literary
critc?"
"Taled in the grocery business. Atlanta
Constitution.
The herald., 1896-02-25
1t Rniscs DiscsI

IT Raises Disctd
First Publisher-What's u this no,ss
among the Republican statesen?
Second Publisher-It is cauI by the II,
tie Sherman band.
The herald., 1896-02-25

though person, this" observed the capni-
bal at the head Of the table.
The cannibal Immediately at his left nod.
ded.
Now you speak Of it," he rejoined, "I
plainly detct a depraved TASTE"
The herald., 1896-02-25

Patient-I have three teeth to extract
What are your charges?
| Dentist-A dollar for the first, 80 cents
for the second and 25 cents for the tnird.
Patient-Then I'll have the second and
| third extracted now, and then in few Gays
| III come around and have the first one out.
| A new kind Of healer claims that he can
pull teeth by suggestion. You send him the
price. and though miles away, the ailing
| tooth comes out through his suggestion to
| that effect But there's better way Your
absent-minded friend hit upon 1t after the
pulling of one tooth. Say" he remarked
to the dentist. 1--WE got to go down town
right away You pull the others while I'm
gone. Judge.
"You advertise to pull teeth without pain
for so cents growled the victim. land here
YOU not only half pull my head off, but want
me to give up a dollar. What do you mean
by t?'' :,
"I charged you the extra so cents for YELL
ing So said the dentist. 1 bet you drove
away all the possible customers WITHIN 1ouT
| blocks ''-Cincinnati Enquirer.
Tramp lat dentists door)-I'd like my
| teeth filled.
Dentlst-what with-gold or silver?
Tramp (eagerly)-Oh, just plain bread will
do!
"Does Scribbles write any stories?"
"Well, should say So he has to use an
incubator to hatch his plots. Chicago Rec
ord.
Thomas hardly believes in calling spade
a spade, does he?"
Yes; but the trouble is he always wants
to talk about worse things than spades. -
Chicago Record.
The herald., 1896-02-25

"Does Scribbles write any stories?"
"Well, should say so: he has to use an
incubator to hatch his plots. ."-Chicago Rec
ord.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Here's Looking Atchewy
Sneezeleigh-This epidemic gets q grip on
the best people, doesn't it?
Barklelgh-Yes. 1t catches all the most
influential.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Spencer-An Irishman nevei allows ia
patriotism to injure him in poct,
Ferguson-How do you mean:
Spencer-Did you ever hear oone he,, 10
taken in by green goods man?
The herald., 1896-02-25
HsH KICKERS.

fale-How d you like the ballet?
Princeton-Nt at all. Sad sight. Lots
Of good footbai talent wasted.
The herald., 1896-02-25

Hell thought you said this storyna y
happily?
She-Well. so I did.
He-I don't see how you make thas.S
when tho last sentence is, "Anl afte.e
The herald., 1896-02-25

A Bill Of Credt-William Shakespeare.
Fashions
The herald., 1896-02-25

heart.
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1896-05-10

handing over copy of his translation to
active members of the staff when any
thing is revealed that justifies such
course.
The writer had the privilege the other
day of a short chat with this official-a
bright young fellow, speaking several Ian
guages, who said:
Il am afraid that l am not allowed to
tell you much, but / may say that no day
ever passes without my handing over some
advertisement for inquiry. our scrutiny
in this way has become very keen re-
Gently for it is an open secret that certain
foreign catch advertisement swindlers are
expected here ere long.
Besides, there have been exposed in
court many cases of swindling recently,
which have depended solely on alluring
advertisements. In two of them / gave
warning long ago but no prosecutor would
come forward. Were 1 allowed to do so.
] could show you hundreds of most mys-
FERROUS cipher advertisements in the book
over there the bulk of these. of course,
being between lovers, but many of them
containing warnings from one educated
sW.ndler to another
"Of course, you know that thieves even
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1896-05-10

are all specialists nowadays. and it is
surprising how soon a bogus advertise
ment swindler gets to work again in the
Jail. I am advised of the release of these
men, and the characteristics of their style
are soon observable again in the adver-
usement columns.
I'VE, as a rule, warn them at once that
we recognize the new plant and in this
way hundreds of warnings are sent out
yearly, and do an amount of good that the
public knows nothing Of. NY duty is
very monotonous, and l dare not get even
single edition behindhand"
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1896-05-10
Detectives aud ADVERTISEMENTS.

There is one official at Scotland Yard
who is but little known to the public. but
who, all the same works very hard and
successfully for the public good. by close
ly scanning, day in and day out. the adj
vertisements appearing in every London
newspaper.
This officials primary duty is to keen
a bright lookout for the very numerous
swindling class which advertises for man
ayers and so on prepared 10 invest money.
but quite beyond this, he. in the most
that strike him as being in any way sus-
picious, handing them over to the heads
of different departments. He is himself
an expert in all matters that deal with
cipher writing, and part of his duty is to
translate every cipher that may appear,
The morning news. [volume] (Savannah, Ga.) 1887-1900, 1896-05-10

The Princess EulaHe of Spain has a me-
mento of her visit to America made for
her by the Libbey Glass Co. This dress
she has worn at a court reception. The
dress is one of the possibilities of glass
making. The practical question of TODAY
to the buyer of cut glass if he seeks
the best that money VIII buy is, us the
name Libbey, with sword under it, cut
in the glass he selects pad.
The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-31
RIoToUS SCENES.
The French and English Socialists Are
Not Harmonious


London, July 30-Riotous scenes
again marked the sessions of the Inter
national Socialistic and Trade Union
Congress to-day. Mr.. Milerand, the
French deputy, denounced the anarch-
lists y tremendous uproar on the floor
Immediately followed and mutual re-
ordinations were hurled back and forth
for the benefit of the French sections.
The chairman was utterly powerleSs to
control the situation or to put Il stop to
the noise and the delegates went on Yell
ing and waving their arms and dcnounc-
ing each other, while no one could posi-
bly, hear what any one else was saying
and the tenor of the remarks could be
Judged only by the fierce gestures and
threatening demcanor of the shouters.
An American delegate in the midst of
the din, shouted out in II stentoran
voice that could he heard that the Ameri-
cans sided with the French minority and
against anarchists. This again aroused
the French majority, who however,
only imperfectly understood what the
American said and they shouted them
selves hoarse in repudiatinG what they
thought was Il charge that they were
anarchists. The English delegates took
no active part in the disturbances but
simply regarded the scene with stupefied
dismay. Three days of the congress
have now already been wasted on the
consideration OF the credentials of dele
gates and this business has not been
finished
The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-31
SUBSTITUTE METAL FOR CENTS.

Experiments with pure nickel and
aluminium as substitutes for the
present nickel pieces and one and two
cent bronze pieces will he made at the
mints by order of Director Preston dur
ing September or October.
The objection to change in any form
of coins or notes is the disposition of the
public To refuse the old forms and insist
upon having the new. This would drive
into the mints for rcconage $1,000, GOO
in nickel pieces which are now in circula-
ton, and $500, coo in cents. The adj
vantage claimed for pure nickel. instead
Of the alloy now used in five cent pieces,
is its greater hardness, durability and
diStinctncSs of impression
The coinage of three million dollars i'm
standard silver dollars. which was re
Gently ordered by Secretary Carlisle, will
not interfere with other coinage work.
The coinage of gold double eagles will be
carried on during the coming fiscal year
ut Philadelphia, Pa, and San Francisco.
Cal
The Treasury is constantly receiving
gold bullion from the mines mostly ut
san Francisco. and continuous coinage il
required to prevent the accumulation of
bullion Double eagles are coined for the
most part, because they absorb more gold
with less work on the part of the mints.
ard are preferred in most gold transpc.
tions.
Subsidiary silver will be coined dur
ing the coming year at New..Orleans and
Philadelphia. The minis are having no
difficulty NJ present in keeping pace with
the demand. The most active pressure
is for cents, whose coinage i limited TO
the mint at Philadelphia. They are being
rapidly turned out, and ii is believed at
the mint bureau that the supply will
keep pace with the demand The coinage
of standard silver dollars has only re-
Gently begun for the current fiscal year.
and it will probably require the entire
sum authorized by Secretary Carlisle 10
meet the demands for redemption .pur-
poses under his view of the law
The redemption of sherman notes in
silver dollars has reached the amount Of
S2'.3Si i22, or more than the entire coin
age under the sherman law prior TO 1893
The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-31

Yost-Forrer Co. sell the best harness in
the city.
The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-31

"Certainly,' answered "Joice" vaguely,
as he scanned the contents of the yellow
envelope and left the Office, facing to-
wards Miss Polly's cottage.
Say, Miller, the fun will come of
soon he said. coming into the parlor.
George is on his way here now. You
keep mum fox day or two yet aud will
explain this seeming mystery" and he
almost roarcd with laughter.
"Wednesday morning as Mollie was
leaving the Kitchen door with the water
buckets iii her hand, the trio ut the break
fast table heard her eXclaim. Land ~
Moses, Wherc'd YOU come from agin'
You are the cheehyest human ever saw
I'd like Il slice OF bread and cup of
coffee. answered Il voice which Miss
Polly thought she had heard before.
Turning to look her eyes lighted upon the
same tramp who about month previous,
in blue overallS and gray derby. had reen
given his breakfast. He wore the same
suit now and was laughing until he could
hardly stand.
If you don't leave this mirute I'll call
the gentlemen to put you out, you impu-
dent, honery tra---''
But Mr.. Jo:ce" left the table and go
ing to the door said, Come right in
George. l shall certainly die of apoplexy
If have to contain my mirth longer.
This is my son. George st. George Miss
Bliss, l believe you have met before. I
will leave him to explain everything while
Miller and finish breakfust''
The explanations were evidently most
satisfactory, for just received an invita-
ton to he present at the wedding next
month of Polly and her "tramp.''
The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-31
For peach crates go to catogni Bros.

Last summer one of our grandchildren
was sick with a severe bowel trouble.
Our Doctors remedies had failed; then we
tried Chamberlain's Collie. Cholera and
Diarrhpa Remedy, which gave very
speedy relief. We regard i; n the best
medicine ever put on tie market for
bowel complaints Mrs F.. c. Gregory,
Frederickstown, Mo. This certainly is
the best medicine ever put on the market
for dysentery, summer complaint, collie
and cholera infantum in children. 1t
never fails to give prompt relief when
used in reasonable time and the plain
printed directions are followed. Many
mothers have expressed their sincere
gratitude for the cures it has Effected.
For sale by the Chas. Lyle Drug Co.
The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-31
FREE PILLS

send your address TO H. f. Bucklen <
Co.. Chicago. and get q free sample box
of DIR. Kings New Life Pills \ trial
will convince YOU of their merits These
pills are easy in action and particularly
effective in the cure of constipation and
sick headache. For malaria and liver
troubles they have been proved invaua-
BILE They are guaranteed to he perfectly
free from every delcterious substance and
to be purely vegetable. They do not
weaken by..-.their action. but 10y giving
tone to stomach and bowels greatly invig-
crate the system. Regular size Pc. per
box. Sold at Massies Pharmacy
The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-31
YOUR BOY WON'T LIVE \
MONTH.

So Mr.. Gilman Brown, of 81 Mill
street, South Gardner, Mass. was told
by the doctors. His son had lung trouble.
following typhoid malaria. and he spent
three hundred and scventy-five doilar,
with doctors. who finally gave him M.
saying: Your boy won't live month. g"
He tried DR. Kings New Discovery. and
a few hcttlcs restored him 70 health and
enabled him To 40 To work perfectly
Wei. man. He says ne owes his present
good health TO use of DR.. Kings New
Discovery, and knows it to be the best in
the world for lung trouble Trial bot
ties free at Paul MnS.ie'S Pharmacy
The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-31
THE TINES PRIZE PIANO.

Roanoke, Va. May II, 1896.
To The .Times:-We desire to saw
that the Jewett. Upright Piano, which
the Times has purchased from us and
placed on exhibition at our warerooms.
is in every respect one of the finest and
best pianos on the American market for
the price. The retail price of this piano
is fixed at SiO0 by the Jewett Piano Com
pany
We further desire to say that the Hob
bic Piano Co. hereby offers to the winner
of this. instrument 800 cash for the same
provided he or she purchases Piano
from us at any time between now and
when the final decision is made.
This offer is made to prevent any one
holding of the purchase of an Instrument
until this Piano. is. awarded Very truly
r. HObbe Piano Co.
The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-07-31

Mrs. Rhode Noah, of this place, was
taken in the night with cramping pains
and the next day diarrhpa set in. She
took half bottle OF blackberry cordial,
but get no relief She then sent to me
to see if had anything that would help
her | sent her bottle OF Chamberlain
Collie. Cholera and Diarrhoea Remedy
and the first dose relieved her Another
of our neighbors had been sick for about
a week and had tried different remedies
for diarrhea, but kept getting worse
l sent him the same remedy. Only four
doses of it We're required to cure him.
He says he owes his recovery to this Won
derful remedy. Mrs. Mary Sbley, sid
ney, Mich. For sale by the Chas Lyle
Drug Co.