Evening star., 1896-07-25
FROM THE ARIZONA KICKER

Selections Made for The Evening Star by NJ Quad
The mayor Of this town (who is our
| selD was sitting In his ofiics in the city
hall last Tuesday afternoon when a cow
boy named Jim Wheeler attempted to ride
his cayuse up the main stairway to make
an official call. Jim had n bet OF s25 that
he would ride in on US and jump his critter
over our desk. but he lost the wager
Hearing the racket on the stairs we sailed
out. and two minutes later Mr.. Wheeler
and his cayuse were tangled up in a heap
| In the middle of the street. He shot at
US three times during the performance,
| but no cne was hit by the bullets. The
morse was able to limp away. but the man
from Big 3 Ranch sun fingers in town
under the Doctors care. His Jaw and
Two ribs We're broken and he was badly
| was not fatally injured His honor the
mayor Is good-natured man and does not
aitect any particular dignity, but the man
who wants to see him on official business
dt MS oIilce must leave bis cayuse IN the
street below.
About the Campaign.
Inc Kicker Is in receipt of a number
OF communications asking about its policy
III the coming campaign. and we will
answer all In one. This paper IS irde-
pendent In politics. religion, poetry, agri-
culture ana everything else. No railroad
I Eoipo,duon dictates and no syndicate pays
lts blils. Ii We wanted to weave a crown
OF laureis for Captain Kidd or pitch into
the memory Of George Washington no
outsider would have to be consulted
In supporting one candidate we shall not
pltch into another. In this world of
change no man can tell who IS coming
out on top. and Il it happens to be the
man you've pitched into your position is
years subsequent.
We have no decided opinions regarding
SILVER or the tariff, but we do stand pat on
the question of the Monroe doctrine If
necessary let US go to war to support It,
out curing the continuance of said war
We shall De found at the old stand, as
heretofore. ~
The campaign speaker who strikes this
town and starts in to lie about any of the
candidates Will have to leave the hall by
pack window. and get under cover of the
WOODS nve minutes later. AS a people we
| deal
Word to Major Banks.
For the last month Major Banks of this
TO-" n mas been in the habit Of coming into
| the post office several times a day and fir
ing pistol through the general delivery
window to attract the attention OF the
SieSk S VINO serves the public. While nobody
mas peen shot, and the noise amounts TO
nothing such actions serve to lessen the
dignity which surrounds a post office ana
we now warn the major that he must let
D
esteem 1t our duty and privilege to return
the lire and lay him up for a few weeks.
II he wants to shoot at us while on the
street we nave no objections. but. as the
| regular appointed postmaster sitting in our
private room In the post office, we demand
Iespectful consideration from the public
any doctor around town will tell Major
Banks that ballet in the shoulder will
Keep him thinking for several successive
nights.
We Lay Down.
Our esteemed contemporary down the
street Is out with a two column sensation
regarding the little affair at the bank last
tuesday. and he lies in the most shameful
and bold-faced manner. as usual. The
iacts IN the case are as follows: We had
JUST ieIt the bank, after making a deposit
or s5D As we reached the sidewalk a
stranger, who had been leaning against a
telegraph pole. stepped forward and thrust
tne muzzle OF gun within a foot of our
ncse ana ordered us to throw up our hands
Up they went. Under the circumstances
We We're ready to throw up our hat. shoes
wallet and everything else We held dear on
earth The man gave us his private onin-
ion of the editor of the Kicker (ybo is
ourseif), of the mayor (who Is ourself) and
| the postmaster (who is ourself and his
language was emphatic and to the point
we mad little or nothing to saw We might
| nave died the death of a hero but We pre-
| 1erred to remain on earth. large crowd
assembled and witnessed our humiliation
uoe VIC teiiidineu passive and placid. When
the cuss had had all the fun he wanted he
walked on. SO did we. We got our guns
as soon as possible and looked for him
but he could not be found There isn't the
slightest question about our Laying down.
before that stranger We think We know
when we have good thing 1t was a good
| thing TO lay down. just then and we en-
tered INTO 1t with great deal of enthusi-
asm. Things may be different some day.
but Just at present we have very little to
say and would like to avoid the subject
| altogether.
| He Was Failure.
A man who gave his name as Thomas
Dayton registered at the Hotel Royal last
Wednesday and entered the dining room
| for dinner. He first made kick because
| there was no cloth on the table. and next
| because the waiter couldn't furnish him
| with napkin. Then he wanted coffee
| cup with a handle to it and soup In bowl,
| and when given knife without a handle
| he jumped up and began shooting the tin
| dishes full Of holes. His fun was speedily
interrupted. however, and he was put out
| of the hotel and later on arrested and fined
| SO. The Royal Hotel is not a rival of the
Palmer House in Chicago or the Imperial
| In New York. 1t is just a plain, every day
| hotel. full of cock reaches and mutton stew
| and the odor of corned beef and cabbage
| Table cloths and napkins and crockery are
| all right in their way and will reach US
Some day, but until they do il won't do
| any good to kick. When a man can sit
| down with his hat on and eat his I'LL for
| 80 celts and throw dishes at the walters
! and cuss the landlord as he pays his bill
he has got good thing and ought to be
| satisfied with it.
--->S>-
Thought of the Wrong Machine.