Wheeling Sunday register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1882-1934, 1896-05-31
THE WEST VIRGINIA HUMORIST
Writes Book Giving Full Particulars About Running
for Presidential Little Bit of Everything and
the Hog Along With the Rest.
szsA@aaas%@>.@S

Gentle reader, were you ever can
didate for President of this glorious
country? The answer of thousands 10
this question will be no. Despite the
fact that every newspaper in the coun-
try is supporting favorite for TINS very
pleasant and lucrative position, winch
no man need be ashamed OF, there are
still great many slighted and 1oriorh
ones LETT out where chilling Dreezes
blow through their aspirations. Dear
friend, are you one of that NUMBER the
minority, l might say?. Then be so no
longer. Let not your ambition be
warped by rank prejudice and corn
whisky another day. The writer or
this article has just published a little
book, printed in loaded plea, entitled,
''How to be Nominated for President or
the United States and How TO be Elect
ed" Every purchaser of one OF these
little pamphlets, who goes according
10 the directions therein contained,
guarantee, win be selected as the next
grand lighthouse keeper of this country.
This book | will mall securely sealed,
on receipt of five dollars to pay postage,
etc. Following are few OF the most
important problems ii solves:
First, how to begin, in order to get
yourself talked about, and the best
brand to use.
Second, how to decline the honor, af-
ter your friends have become enthusiast
tic. (This must be done in a very fal-
tering and uncertain manner, as your
feia dc sfrht h ;yly
if you are too strong in the matter. the
book l have written explains in
graphic and blood-curdling manner,
how you can do this with ease and come
out without scratch)
Third, how to acquire Presidential
aspect and fluency of speech and what
it costs. This is a most important bit
Of informa ton, causing the writer
many hours OF toll and morning head
aches in gaining a knowledge Of the
best grade to use. The price per pint
is given in the little book, also a receipt
for destroying the fragrant, rosy odor
which results from it's use. This re-
ceipt can be used in any climate, day or
night. if properly cared for and not al
lowed TO dry out
1t would be impossible to give SYM
opsis of all the information it contains,
but assure you complete satisfaction
and your money refunded if you are not
nominated or elected. In ordering be
sure to state whether you are Demo-
crat or Republican, as the books are
arranged in manner that might be Of
fensive if your received volume meant
for the opposition.
AS the gardening season approaches,
my enthusiasm boils over with feverish
haste TO get my agricultural interests
to working smoothly and lucratively.
My slumbers are mingled with my early
rose tobacco seed and my late imported
Havana potato sprouts in chaotic mis-
understanding. Last year I was the
victim Of entertaining and hired help,
and found deficiency in my accounts
OF about eight dollars and sixty cents at
the end of the season. My assistant, I
found afterward, had engaged in con-
spiracy with a neighbor to have my
watermelon plants set out so close TO
the line fence. that the choice products
all came to life on the other side, where
my neighbor would sit in the dewy eve,
and bury his face in the mellow. red
fruit while 1 dug mess.of Flat Dutch
potatoes for late supper. This natur-
ally made me feel hurt, as I am very
fond of watermelons, especially my own
watermelons. This year l will super
wise their growth personally, and plant
them so they will Chamber all about
over my front porch and hang in great,
tempting, luscious clusters above my
head.
EzelSial Dumfoigne, an old and hard
ened gardener, gave me some valuable
information regarding the cultivation
of the Brahma egg plant yesterday. He
said. that to raise this delicious vege-
table properly, 1 should plant them in
beds whore the sun never shown regu-
larry, as too much warth might serve
as an incubator, and before I knew it
my egg bed would be a feather bed.
Also to be careful about the eyes of the
potatoes | plant, as the ones with blue
orbs were never known to thrive. Mr..
Dumfoigne was very kind in answering
any questions asked him, and told me
among other things, that the climate
need not deter me from raising plenty
of oranges and lemons If | would graft
them, along in July, with hardy GU
cumber vine.
everything but the latter. 1t is my
opinion that the tropical fruit will
thrive much better if grated with the
lilac bush, earlier in the season.
| expect to reap rich harvest from
my crop of picked beets, which is
something new in the neighborhood.
The man who sold me the starter" for
this rare production, said that farmers
in North and South Carolina were max
ing luxurious living by its cultivation
alone. All the work necessary to make
them a success. he stated, is 10 pour
vinegar on them twice week after they
begin to shoot above the ground. I in
tend to send some of the choicest OF
these to the next fair in this country,
and revel in the establishment of the ma
tives when they learn how they come
to be so sour.
In few days, passers-by may observe
me in the early morn and blue sweat
err. calmly spading the ground where
intend to work such wonders this sum-
mer. This may seem strange to a
great many, but ploughing is too costly,
and have determined to cut down ex-
penses and weeds by using my Asoph
spade. which I bought in Dempster
county, Rhode Island, last summer. All
reporters will find in me fluent con-
versationalist, as I like very much to
see my name in print, at the head Of an
article on amateur gardening.
A correspondent, CHASING herself as
"a Little Wild Flour" writes me an IN