davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The pioneer express. [volume] (Pembina, Dakota [N.D.]) 1883-1928, 1896-03-27

Two Harvard Graduates.
The Rev. DR.. Discord-"Why, dear
Jack, am glad to see you. You are
locking SO well. What have you been
doingY'-
Jack scraggs-"Pitching for a league
club at 5000 q year. What are you
doing?"
Discord-"Preaching for q chapel al
$500 year."-Texas Siftings.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
Amusing Ignorance.


Uneducatod persons, and some
who are educated, when asked for
an explanation of something of
which they are ignorant, seldom say
81 don't know" On the contrary,
they are apt to extemporize thesort
Of explanation that was given to ac-
count for the working of the electric
telegraph when it was first erected.
The message paper itself, such was
the general belief among the igno-
rant, was sent over the wire.
Even in the late forties, when the
electric telegraph had been used in
England for several years, q coun
tryman handed an operator a mes.
sage, paid the fee and then waited to
see him send it of. The operator
hung the paper on the hook, and
quickly signalled the message to the
operator at the place where it was to
be delivered. Seeing that the man
waited, he said, at has gone"
"Gone!" said he. aWhy, it's there
still Put it in the machine and
send it off properly, man."
ooh, very well; if you prefer it
that way, here goesI' answered the
operator, not ashamed to counter ig-
norance with deceit. He unfastened
the back of the instrument, put in
the paper, shut up the apparatus,
rang the bell, and nodded to the man,
who went away with satisfied smile
at having made the operator tele.
graph properly.
Forty years later an old woman,
seeing men erecting telegraph wires
in the village, exclaimed, "Well, l
expect I'd have to watch them a
long time before | saw telegraph
message come along. My eyesight
is getting so bad
Another good woman, after writ
ing message, asked for an envelope
in which to enclose her telegram, so
that no prying eyes might read it
during its transmission over the
wire. A working woman, on ar
irving by rail at a town some dis
lance from her home, discovered
that she had brought the house-key
instead Of leaving it behind for her
husbands use. Going to the tele-
graph office, she desired that the
key might be sent to her house.
When told that it was impossible,
she, with no little irritation, exclaim-
ed, "What, then, is the use of the
telegraph? That's what I'd like to
know!u
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
A Real Estate Boom

attracts the attention of every prop
erty holder in this city. But when
DIR. Franklin Miles, the eminent In
diana specialists, claims that Heart
Disease is durable and proves it by
thousands of testimonials of wonder
full cures by his New Heart Cure; it
attracts the attention of the millions
suffering with Short Breath, Palpi-
tation, Irregular Pulse, Wind in
Stomach, Pain in Side or Shoulder,
Smothering Spells, Painting, Drop
sy, etc. A. f. Davis, Silver Creek,
Neb., by using four bottles of DIR.
Miles New Heart Cure, was complet-
ly cured after twelve years suffering
from Heart Disease. This new rem
edy is sold by A. M. Gilbert. Books
free.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
An Electrical Fancy.


The astonishing progress of cleo
trlcal science is satirized by a Paris
ian paper, which imagines Mr.. Edi-
son, in his laboratory, hearing the
news of q declaration Of war be-
tween Great Britain and the United
States. A young man, bis assistant,
rushes in, pale and out of breath,
and exclaims to The great electro
ian:
Master, war is declared 1t is
terriblep
"Ah I" says the master. "War de-
clared, ehl And where is the Brit
ish at this moment?"
@Embarking, sir.p
"Embarking where?"
"At Liverpool
"At Liyerpool-yes. Now, my
friend, would you please join the
ends of those two wire hanging
against the wall? That's right. Now
bring them to me. Good And be
kind enough to press that button"
The assistant, wondering and half
amused, presses the button.
Every WE'LL" says the inventor.
"Now do you know what is taking
place at Liverpaol?'
"The British army is embarking,
sir"
The inventor pulls out his watch
and glances at the time There is
no British army he says, coolly.
What y screams the assistant.
"When you touched that button
you destroyed it,"
ooh, this is frightfull |"
at is not frightful at all. It is
science. Now every time that Brit
ish expedition embarks at any port
please come and tell me at once.
Ten seconds afterward it will simply
be out of existence, that's ALL"
"There doesn't seem to be any
reason why America should be afraid
of its enemies after this, sir"
~ am inclined to believe you.p
says the master, smiling slightly.
"But in order to avert future trouble
l think it would be best to destroy
England altogether"
"To-to destroy England, sir"
"Kindly touch button number four
there"
The assistant touched it. The in
yentor counts ten.
"It is all over. There is no Eng
land.
"Ohl oh!' screams the youpg
man.
"Now we can go on quietly with
our work. says the master. Sand
if we should ever be at war with any
other nation, you have only to notify
me. have an electric button con-
Meeting with every foreign country
which will destry it when pressed.
could destroy every country in the
world, the United States included,
in ten minutes. Be careful, now,
that you don't touch any of those
buttons accidentally-you might do
lot of damage"
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
Passing an Examination.

A European newspaper is inclin-
ed to be jocose at the expense OF
modern health precautions, and thus
reports a schoolroom scene in the
year 1900:
Teacher-to new boy.--Hans, have
you got your certificate of VAGINA
tion against smallpox
Eyes, sir"
"Have you been innoculated for
croup?'
eyes, sir"
"Have you had an injection of
cholera baccillus?'
"Yes, SIR
"Haye you a written guarantee
that you are proof against whoop-
ing cough, measles and scarlet fe-
yer?"
ayes, sir.7
"And are you PROVIDED Win your
own drinking.cup ?"
eyes, sir"
"Will you make a solemn promise
never to exchange sponges with the
other boys, and never to use any
pencil but your own 2"
"Yes, sir"
$40 you agree to have your books
fumigated with sulphur and your
clothes sprinkled with chloride of
lime once a week ?"
"Yes, sir"
"Hans, I see that you fulfil all the
requirements of modern hygienics,
Now you can climb over that wire,
place yourself on an isolated alumi,
mum seat, and begin doing your
sums"
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

"What would we do without
them p said Journalist Walter Bar
Der to friend as they stood on the
west side of the City Hall Park
looking at the police parade the
other day.
Yes said two-thirds drunken,
tramp. looking fellow who staggered
up against him. "Yes, old man, but
what would they do without us ~
And the patness of his remark
was emphasized by park police
man who stepped up to him and
said, "Move on and behave your
self, or I'll take you in"
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

~ have never had days sick
ness in my life said a middle-aged
man the other day.
"What a comfort it would be-
signs some poor invalid, ito be in
his place for year or two Yet
half of the invalids we see might be
Just as healthy as he, if they would
only take proper care of themselves,
est proper food-and digest it.
It's so strange that such simple
things are overlooked by those who
want health.
Food makes health.
1t makes strengthened strength
wards off sickness. The man who
had never been sick was strong be-
cause he always digested his food,
and you could become the same by
helping your stomach and will make
you strong and healthy by making
the food you eat make you fat.
Druggists sell it. Trial bottle
10 cents.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
BraveIy Done.

THAT is one Of the brayest men I
ever knew said General Rosecrans
to Jsmes r. Gilmore Edmund
Kirke) as Inspector-General Ducat
left the room where the two gentle
men were conversing. II saw him
once,v continued the general, 'coolly
face almost certain death to perform
a duty. Three men had fallen before
his eyes, and he had to run the
gauntlet of a thousand muskets !;
but he did it, Mr.. Gilmore relates
the circumstances, in the Louisville
Courier-J ournal:
It was at the battle of Iuka,
where Rosecrans, with only twenty
eight hundred men actually engaged,
was fighting Confederate force of
eleven thousand, holding chosen
and very strong position. Ducat, in
riding Up to the General, had OBJ
served regiment of General STAN
ley's division about TO be enyeloped
and oyerpowered by a much larger
force.
Ride on and warn Stanley 1t
once,n said Rosecrans. An acre of
fire, swept with bullets, lay between
them and the menanced regiment.
Ducat glanced at it and eaid:
General, / have wife and chill
dren.'
seYou knew that wien you came
here ?, said Rosecrsns, coolly.
"I'll go sir,' said Ducat moving
his horse forward after bis momen-
tary hesitation.
"Stay a moment. We must make
sure of this said Rosecrans. He
thought thousand lives of more
value than four, so, hastily writing
some dispatches on the pommel of
his saddle, he gave one to each of
three orderlies, and sent them off at
intervals ofabout sixty yards over
the bullet-swept field.
Then he looked at Ducat, who had
seen every one Of them fall lifeless,
or desperately wounded. Without
word, Ducat plunged into the fire.
and wonderful to tell, he ran the
gauntlet in safety, and with his
clothes torn by mimic balls, and his
horse reeling from mortal wound,
he got to Stanley, and saved the
regiment. The orderlies found their
graves on that acre Of fire.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
Trouble With an Editor.

Stranger So you have no paper
in tits town?
Native: No, sir. We did have one
once, but it wasn't run right, and we
were glad to get rid of it.
"What was the matter 7"
"Wall, in the fust place, the editor
didn t alters treat folks right. He'd
call one gal young and handsome,
and sluringly refer to another gal
just as pretty, leavin' it ter be inter-
red she wasn't pretty enough to be
called handsome, and she might be
as old as Methuselah. Wall, that
made trouble, and after that, when
Farmer Hayseed and Farmer Fall
low both left the same sort of stuff
on his table, he gave Fallow two
lines more than the other"
eyes"
"Wall, things kept getting wuss
and wuss, until General Oldham up
on the hill died, and got half col
umn obituary notice, all about the
Mexican war and things, while my
uncle Jake, just as good man, who
never left the farm, but tended to his
duties like a Christian, and was a
pillow of the church, got only a
quarter of a column. You better be-
lieye me and my friends felt hurt"
81 suppose So"
"Wall, we begun inquiring around
about that editor, and we discovered
that, while he was charging us for
every little two line advertisement
we put in, he was printing a half
column about his job office for moth
ing. That raised breeze, I tell
you"
'tNo doubt
"After that things came to a head.
The Teller commenced stopping the
paper on them what didn't pay their
subscriptions. Then we rose in our
might and druv him out of town.
Hyde Park (Mass.) Gazette.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

A youngster one day begged an
invitation to dinner at the house of
friend with whom he had been
playing. At the table his hostess
anxiously inquired:
"Charlie, can you cut your own
meat ?"
"Humph n said the youngster,
who was saving away, "can't l? I've
cut up quite as tough meat as this
at home p--London Telegraph.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
An eloquent Address.

The subject Of the protection OF
American missionaries in Turkey
was under discussion in the United
States Senate recently, and in the
course of the debate Mr.. Frye. of
Maine, delivered q brief speech
which was SO effective a piece Of i'm
promptu eloquence as to be worth
every Americans reading. School
boys might we'll adopt it as decla.
nation, and all readers, old and
young alike, viii find themselves
stirred by its patriotic appeal. Let
us hope that the United States may
never fall behind England's example
in protecting American citizens
wherever they may be, or whoever
may seek to outrage them. We sub
join an extract from Senator Frye's
speech
Mr.. President: / think that one
OF the grandest things In all the his
tory of Great Britain is that she
does protect her subjects everywhere,
anywhere, and under all circum-
stances. do not wonder that a
British subject loves his country.
This little incident, with which you
are all familiar, is marvellous Illus
tration of the protection which Great
Britain gives to her subjects
The King of Abyssinia took
British subject named Cameron,
about twenty years ago, carried him
up to the fortress of Magdala, on
the heights of rocky mountain,
and put him into dungeon, without
cause assigned. 1t took six months
for Great Britain to find that out.
Then Great Britain demanded his
immediate release. King Theodore
refused the release.
In less than ten days after that
refusal was received ten thousand
British soldiers including five thous,
and Sepoys, were on board ships of
war, and were sailing down the
coast. When they had disembarked,
they were marched across that ter
rible country, a distance of seven
hundred miles, under burning sun,
up the mountain, up to the very
heights 10 front OF the frowning
dungeon; then gave battle, battered
down the iron gates Of the stone
walls, reached down into the dun
geon, and lifted out of it that one
British subject, King Theodore kill
ing himself with his own pistol.
Then they carried him down the
mountain, across the land, put him
on board a white winged ship and
sped him to his home in safety.
That cost Great Britain twenty-five
million dollars, and made General
Napier Lord Napier of Magdala.
That was a great thing for great
country to do--s country that has
an eye that can see all across the
ocean, all across the land, away up
to the mountain heights, and away
down to the darksome dungeon, one
subject of hers out of thirty eight
millions of people, and then has an
arm strong enough and long enough
to stretch across the same ocean,
across the same lands, up the same
mountain heights, down to the same
dungeon, and then lift him out and
carry him to bis own country and
friends.
In Gods name, who would rot
die for a country that will do that
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

without knowing in any degree what they
mean. or what responsibilities and trials
they bring. The highest and best thing
that any woman can do Is to bear and rear
healthy, intelligent children. The accotl-
p1ishfnent of this end depends almost en-
tirely upon her health and particularly
upon the health and strength of the organs
distinctly feminine. The state of the chill.
dren, both intellectual and physical de-
ponds on the mother If she doesn't care
enough for her own comfort end happiness
TO take the proper care of herself, she GER
tainly ought to do 1t for the sake of her
children. To very large extent, the des-
tiny and achievement of man is decided
In the months before his birth. During
that time Is determined whether or not he
Is to be of robust health and strong intel
lect. During that time, his mind and body
are started on the path that they will follow
through life. Circumstances may iniu-
enee him, bat he cannot get away from the
effects of prenatal influences. One of the
principal uses of DR.. Pierce's Favorite Pre-
scription is the preparation of prospective
mothers for the Bme of trial and danger
that comes when child is born. The Pre-
scriptionn is Strengthening and invigorating
and lessons pain and danger. 1t insures the
perfect well being and the perfect health
of both mother and child Every woman
should know these things before She really
needs to know them. There are many
things IN Dr. Pierce's Common Sense
Medical Adviser, " that every woman ought
to know. This celebrated work has reached
sale of $50, 600 copies at 81. 50 each. The
expense of production having thus been
covered, 500, coo copies are now being given
away. A copy will be sent to any address
on receipt of twenty one (2I) csc slS
stamps TO cover cost of mailing only.
Address, WORLDS DIsPENsARY MED
9cAE ASSOCIATION, No. Cog Main Street,
Buffalo, NJ. X.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

j. B. Wilson, 81 Clay ST., Sharps
burg, Pa, says he will not be with
out DR.. Kings New Discovery for
Consumption, Coughs and Colds,
that it cured his wife who was
threatened with Pneumonia after an
attack Of I" La Grippe when various
other remedies and several physic-
ians had done her no good. Robert
Barber, of Cooksport, Pa, claims
DIR. Kings New Discovery has done
him more good than anything he
ever used for Lung Trouble. Moth
ing like it. Try it. Free Trial Bot
ties at L. G. Matthaei's Drug Store.
Large bottles, SOC. and $1.O0.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

why did you do it?n asked the
inquisitive visitor Of the man who
was under sentence for throwing his
wife into the well.
"She was cryin'," the gentleman
explained, "and l never could stand
it to see woman cry."-Cincinnati
Enquirer.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

The Modiste-And what is the
sandpaper for?
The Fair Cyclienne-Wby, you
sew that on the-the back of the
boomers, you see? Jack and the
other boys always ignite their match
es that way,-Cleyeland Plain Deal
er.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

Measley-What become of Nc
Stuttigan, who stammered SO?
Briscoe-He's giving dialect read
ings. Making a big hit.--Philadel.
phia North American.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

Smith-Jones tells me be has
been engaged to fill a vacancy in
Coins banking house.
Withsmith-Yes; a lot of plaster
fell off the ceiling and he's going to
repair the hole.-Detroit Journal.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
Castoria,.

aCastoria Is an excellent medicine for chill
dren. Mothers have repeatedly told me Of its
good effect upon their children"
Da. G. G. oseooD,
lowell, Eess
"Castoria IS the Lest remedy for children =
which am acquainted. / haaa Tie day is not
far distant when mothers W. onsideFthe real
interest Of their children, m ase Castcria in
stead Of the various quacE l.5strsisns y hich are
destroying their loved ones. By forcing opiain.
morphine, soothing syrup and other kuFtfai
agents down their threats, thsrsby sending
them to premature graves"
DR. ]. z. KNcsEIoE,
Conway. Ark.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

She-1 am SO afraid of you news.
paper men!
He-Why? Are we so bad?
She-No; but there's no telling
when you are going to press.-Hart-
ford Times.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
Chamberlain's Eye and Sim
Ointment,

A certain cure for Chronic Sore Eyes
letter, Salt Rheum, Scald Head. Old
Chronic Sores, Fever Sores, Eczema,
Itch, Prairie Scratches, Sore Nipples
and Piles. It cooling and soothing.
Hundreds of cases have been cured b
it after all other treatment had faila
Is cents per box.
Sept. Sd 1896, 1 year.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

Chollie-Can't you give me some
thing to brighten me up?
Druggist-This is pharmacy ;
not place for performing miracles,
sir l-Yonkers Statesman.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
What is

Cascr is Dr. Samuel Pitchers prescription for Infants
Children. It contains neither Opium, Morphine nor
other Narcotic substance. It is harmless substitute
for Paregoric Drops Soothing Syrups and Castor OIL
1t is Pleasant. guarantee is thirty years use by
Millions of Mothers Castora destroys Worms and aIlays
feverishness. prevents vomiting Sour Curds
cures Diarrhsea and Wind Colo. Cast0ria relieves
teeing troubles cures constipation and hafulency.
Castora assmiiates the food regulates the stomach
and bowels giving healthy and natural sleep. Cas-
toria is the Chdren's Panacea-tha Mothers Friend.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

I took Hoods Sarsaparilla for
kidney trouble and it cured me and
l recommend Hoods Sarsaparilla
to ALL" Mrs. Media Turley, Rome,
n. Y.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

A mirror could not lie it want.
ed to. The glass has nothing to
gain by aattery. If the roses of
health and plumpness of beauty are
leaving your face, your mirror will
tell you SO. Health is the greatest
beautilier in the world. When a
woman sees the indications of Ill
health in the face, she may with al
most absolute certainty look for the
cause in or both of two conditions
constipation, and arrangement of
the organs distinctly feminine. DR..
Pierce's Pleasant Pellets will cure
constipation. There is reason in the
world why woman should not be
perfectly healthy. She will gain in
health, strength and flesh. Hollows
and angles will give place to full
ness and grace. She will be that
noblest and most beautiful of all
creations perfect woman.
Send 81 cents in one-cent stamps
to Worlds Dispensary Medical As
ISOLATION, Buffalo, N. Y, and receive
DR.. Pierce's 1908 page "Common
Sense Medical Adviser" profusely
illustrated.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

Hoops PILLS cure all liver ills.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
DIRECTIONS
for using
CREAM ia l. NJ.


Apply a particle
OF the Balm up in
20 the nostrils.
After q moment
d ra W stro n Z
breath through
/ h Q nose. Use
three times n day,
after meals pre-
ferred, and before
retiring.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01
The counsel Of

The counsel OF
older women Is Of
ihestitnahle value.
A mistaken idea Of
IN 8 a esty nrevents
m any girls from
learning the things
that they ought 90
know before they
assume the duties
Of tiiatrimony and
maternity. Women
generally take these
most Important
efsns IN their lives
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1896-08-01

Tho z ssa-Fay Street, New York City.
Highland recorder. (Monterey, Highland County, Va.) 1877-1972, 1896-03-27
County, Court Proceedings.

The March term of the county
court convened Tuesday, Judge G.
R. McDannald presiding. Owing
to the recent illness Of Common
wealth's attorney j. NJ. Colaw, all
the Commemorative cases we're
continued until the next term.
Exparte settlements of W. ?.
Campbell, guardian of Lucy NJ,
Charles b. and Walter W. Wag
goner, orphans of John B. Wag-
goner, decd. and of Nc. Gwin,
were confirmed and ordered
to be recorded.
An exparte settlement of }. A.
Waggoner. Guardian. of George
Jessie, Lizzie. Floyd, and Dennis
Waggoner. infants Of John b. Wag-
goner, decd, was confirmed and or
dered to be recorded
S. S. Waybri. hit qualified as Adj
ministrator of D. L. Coursey. decd.
and E. D. Swecker. Miles Harold
ard Cornelius Winner were appoint
ed to appraise the personal estate
of said Coursey.
The application of J. Ed. Hull to
obtain license to sell liquor on Lau-
rel Fork. was refused. An applica-
ton of j. N. Eagle for a pension
was allowed.
| The case of II. Fl. Terry. Appel
'apt. against E. M. Arbogaet. APP.
pe!Iee, took up most of the time vt
the term. The jury rendered n
verdict in favor of the appellee
for $3.50. the value of the
corn in controversy, and $1,000
damages. which is, in effect, the
decision Of Justice Wilson.