New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1896-01-01

l - y ~
the Monroe doctrine. It relates to our
situation and national necessities, and,
therefore, we should be at all times pre-
pared to defend it.-St. Paul Disp atch.
4%}: Humorous Tales.
Sir Walter Scott, the famous poet and
novelist, once gave shilling to an Irish
man for some service that merited only
a sixpence. '.Remember Pat, quoth Sir
4. Walter, you owe me sixpenCe." "May
your honor live till l pay you you," ans
wered Pat, as he pocketed the shilling.
'''Haow aye like that cider?" asked a
|close old farmer of poor fellow that he
had given glass instead of tip for a
LOB. .sPretty good, but it's a pity you
|didn't have another apple"
"Another apple! Why?"
"Because you could have made another
barrel of it, you know"
.'The darndest case of snake bite l
ever knowed" said the man with the
ginger beard, was a feller out in Ioway
thatgot bit by one of them prairie rattlers
Well, you know that of a man drinks
enough whiskey lie thinks he sees snakes
but this here feller, bein' bit by snake.
imagines he was full of whiskey and
billing drunk. Mex day they run HIM
out of town.
''What fer?' asked the grocer, "Cause
he kilt the snake, of course. The darn
fool could have made mint of money
out'n that snake in Ioway ef he only
knowed it,
During the training of the militia in
Campbeltown, England, company was
ordered off for rifle practice, including
Scotch game-keeper, who was singled
out as marker. The sergeant took up
the field glass to see If all was ready,
when 10 his horror he saw the marker
standing in front Of the target. Think
ing the man insane, the sergeant at once
hastened to che rescue, and in an author
itative voice demanded the meaning of
such reckless conduct, at the same time
describing the marker as fool. "['m
no sic fool as you think" was the re-
tort. Il keen the safest place we'll
eneuch. I've marked for your company
afore."
A foppish young man. with football
crop of lair was walking along Chestnut
Street in Philadelphia the other evening
when little urchin asked him the time.
''Ten minutes to nine," said the masher.
SWELL" said the boy, Eat nine o'clock
get your hair cut" and he took to his
heels and ran down the street. The fop
ran after him and in turning corner
came in contact with a policeman, near
ly knocking him down. "What's up
asked the policeman. The masher, very
much out of breath said: "You see
that young brat running down the
street? He asked me the time; L told
him ten minutes to nine and he said i:
AT nine o'clock get your hair CUT "
"Well,' remarked the policeman, :'what
are you running for? You've eight
minutes yet"
There is in Congress at the present
time member who two dozen years ago
was a district judge in the. state from
which he halls ard a more pompous and
conceited judge never sat on the bench.
But that was long time ago, and the
years have taught him agood many
things and improved him very materially. |
However, it happened on one occasion
in his court that a lawyer was pleading
a case and was making a regular red
tire-and- -slow-curtain speech, which
stirred the jury to it's profoundest depths.
In the course of his peror alton he said
Z ssAnd. gentlemen of the. jury, as
stand at this bar to-day in behalf of a
prisoner whose health is such that he
may be called before a greater judge
than the judge Of this court, I - = = - -
The judge on the bench raped sharp
" on the.desk, and the lawyer stopped
suddenly and looked at him questioning
". s'The gentleman said the Court,
with dignity, .swill please confne him-
self to the case before the jury and not
permit himself to indulge in invidious
COM PARSONS. ],