The progressive farmer. [volume] (Winston, N.C.) 1886-1904, 1896-01-21
BILL NYR'S COMET.
He Bought it in Good Faith, but is Dis
appointed.
[Copyright, 1894, by Edgar ". NHe.l

~SAS " 'S@4 @O~N@~A
thing. But my impulse was a good
one. Last year an astronomer who was
very hard pressed for money came
to me and wanted to dispose of a comet
that he had just discovered. He needed
the money &c sadly that he won my
young heart after awhile in spite of
my better judgment.
Common sense told me not to buy a
heavenly body on the hoof, but tender
ness and a warm, sympathetic nature
overcame my cool business sense. We
looked over the property through a
telescope, and when my attention was
called to its speed and good condition
and low taxes I yielded.
The first jolt, as I might say, which
was given to my faith was when our
gentlemanly. genial and urbane regis
trar of deeds refused to record the
transfer. He said that nobody but a
literary man would be such a wild,
Unfettered ass. He is cynical to a de-
gree. He told me that all I needed
was a nursing bottle connected with
the Milky Way to do real we'll.
I consulted an attorney regarding
the matter. He also is a local humor-
list.
He said that buying unbranded com
cts on the range was hazardous in the
extreme, especially in the winter sea-
son. He wrote out quite a long opinion
on the case, for which he charged me
an outrageous price, and in which he
stated that a man who would advance
money on a high spirited comet, rely
ing on the provisions of the Monroe
doctrine for the confirmation and pre-
servation of title, did not know enough
to caro- viscera to a bear.
He told me that it would have shown
more mental acumen if I had ex
changed my North Minneapolis build
ing lots and Hudson's bay addition to
Arctic park for the Big Dipper and
gone into the shelf and heavy hardware
business, but to put cold cash, or ready
John, as he phrased it, into a luminous
hole IN the sky showed more possibili-
ties as an intellectual disaster than
anything he had seen during six years
experience as civil service examiner
for vacancies in idiot asylums.
He went SO far as to ask me why l
didn't catch my own comets by put
ting salt on their tails. I submitted to
almost every indignity from this man,
including a bill for $18. He has been
told by friends that he is humorous,
and it has destroyed his usefulness
His business suffers, and his clients be-
come offended and go elsewhere.
Among other things he asked me why
l did not organize an International
Lighting and Heating company and
pipe the surplus heat from the burned
district of a future state.
The astronomer told me that my
comet would come up every night, and
then he rolled up the money I gave
him and went abroad for much needed
rest and change of scene. He told me
that he would have the astronomical
record changed so that it would here
after be referred to as Nye comet, but
he did not do so. There has been moth
ing published connecting my name
with the affair, and a week after 1
bought it l mislaid it one night and
have not seen it since.
1 am told also that these comets have
a way of changing their appearance
and then retiring to their former
Aaunts. The astronomer to whom l
allude and who chiseled me out of nv
means had a long brass telescope on
Broadway, and he not only cracked up
this comet to the very top notch, but
he assured mt on his honor as a gentle
man that it would become a parent in
the spring. OF course, he said, I ought
to reap some dividened after a long,
hard winter with a comet eating it's
head off, but June would find me away
ahead of the game. Sometimes these
comets have twins, he said, and there
you are, maybe with a whole sky full
of heavenly bodies at the cost of one
only.
l am almost ashamed to tell this
now, for it shows now my faith in my
fellow-worm of the dust causes me to
be reviled by practical and cynical
business men in this commercial age.
But this has been a lesson to me.
Some have been coarse and rude to me
when I have tried to sell, while others.
have treated me with well bred con
tempt. One man, who is said to liter