The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1896-05-13

Hinted That They Had Gotten Hold of
the Wrong Man.
When the sound of the triangle had
called the meeting to order, Brother
Gardner arose and said that Professor
Bumbo Jones, the colored Henry Clay
Of the south, was waiting to deliver
lecture before the club on "Why Ar
Dis Thus?" There was no telling how
it would pan ont, but he thought the
club might chance it, and therefore Or
dered the reception committee to show
the gentleman in. Samuel Shin, who
has had cold in the head for the last
II years, was relegated to the back seats,
and the hall had just grown quiet when
the Clayful lecturer was introduced in
one time and three motions. Like all
great philosophers, his shoes were down
at the heel, his elbows frayed, his knees
out Of true, and his general appearance
proved carelessness on his part as to
whether he got up right end first or not
in the morning. He was received with
enthusiastic applause, during which
Deacon Baker managed to give Elder
Toots vigorous kick and lay it to acci-
dent. As he bowed his applause two but
tons were heard to strike the wall be-
hind him, and his collar made deter
mined effort to rise above his ears.
my fr EN- s." began the honorable in
q voice rich with anticipation of the com
ing chicken season, "we 20 to bed at
night. If we hev no company, we go to
bed long bout half past 9 o'clock. FIVE
hev a soiree on hand, it may be two
hours later. If I ak you what you 60 to
bed fur, you answer, to sleep. What do
you sleep fur? You reply dat it is bekase
natur' intended you to. Yes, but why
did she? You can't tell. You tumble
into bed an lay dar on your backs an
snooze an dream Of de lucky numbers in
policy, an when mawnin comes you fall
out an kick de dog an jaw de chillen an
wish you was rich an didn't hev to 60
to work. [Yells of applause. Natur'
meant dat you should lie down in sleep
to give de body rest, to let all de mus
cles relax, de nerves grow quiet, de
brain cease it's tremendous efforts fur
awhile. My world renowned tonic,
which kin be had in de anteroom after
dis meetin adjourns at bits bottle,
ebery bottle warranted to hold half
pint, will bring about dis happy result.
No cure, no pay"
The orator paused here to imbibe
glass of water, and puzzled look crept
into Brother Gardner's face. He was
observed to make signal to Giyeadam
Jones, and that individual nodded, as II
he understood it.
"We hev de backache," continued the
orator, "de backache, de collie, pains in
de chist, fits Of melancholy, bad dreams,
sudden desiah to jump off de tower Of
de city hall. We hev sich things, an we
nebber stop to inquar de reason. We
jist 90 right long sufferin, layin our sad
condishun to Jay Gould, Vanderbilt an
de Standard Oil company an nebber
supposin dar is sartin an cheap cure
right at hand. [Sensation. My fr'en's,
I has de proud satisfaction to tell you
dat am de inventor, proprietor an sole
agent on dis globe fur de Wellington
Cholera Preventative an Lightnin Con
Remover, an arter dis meetin is ober
my remedy kin be had by any of de
gemlen present at de usual price of 3
bits a box, warranted purely vegetable
or money refunded. High old ap-
plause.
AS the speaker stopped to take anotn-
or pint Of water, there was broad grin
on almost every face, and this was i'll
creased by the uneasy movements of
Brother Gardner. 1t was plain to be seen
that he had been taken in and done for
again and that he was arranging some
sort Of programme with Giveadam
Jones. who has long held the position of
Bogardus kicker to the club.
my fr'en s." pathetically continued
the honorable, after the water had been
put away behind his nankeen vest, "you
is walkin along de street, al am sud-
denly tooken wild criok in de back, an
can It 60 on down to de bank an draw
out $50. You git up in de mawnin feel
in slumpy: You don't keer 2 cents
whether you hev quail on toast or turkey
OIL sweet cake for breakfast. You wake
up in de night wild q cole sweat startin
out, violent beatin of de heart, an a
fear in your soul dat hand Of anarchists
is hidden under de bed to take your life.
On sartin occashuns you sot down wild
a piece of chalk al shingle to 6gger up
how much a var it will cost you to rent
40 office boxes at 81 each. You is
stuck. De fggers dance away from you.
Your eyes blur all you jump up in
alarm if de dog howls in de back yard
You 60 right along jist de same, how
ever, nebber stoppin to inquar into de
natural causes, an de fust thing you
know your friends am gathered around
your bedstead to see you expire. De-
oided sensation all over the hall. My
fr'en g, it gives me de utmos' pleasure to
be able to inform you Oh dis auriferous
occasion dat am de sole owner Of what
is called DE Wellington Cure All Plas-
ter, which warrant to be composed Of
10 different roots all de best Norf Caro-
lima tar Desc plasters sell at 90 cents
each, or six for dollah, and de presi-
dent of dis United States had one on de
small of his back when he entered de
White House fur de fust time. Arter dis
meetin is ambuscaded I shall be moas
happy to see you all in de anteroom, all
T.
At this point Giveadam Jones inter-