Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1896-04-23
THE LIMEKILN CLUB.
PROFESSOR BuMBo JONES LECTURES
ON "wHY Arr DIS THUsp,

the Wrong Man.
When the sound of the triangle had
called the meeting TO order, Brother
Gardner arose and said that Professor
Bumho Jones, the colored Henry Clay
of the south, was waiting to deliver a
lecture before the club on "Why Ar
Dis Thus:" There was no telling how
it would pan out, but he thought the
club might chance it, and therefore or
dered the reception committee TO show
the gentleman in Samuel Shin. who
has had cold in the head for the last
II years, was relegated TO the back seats,
and the hall had just grown quiet when
the Clayful lecturer was introduced in
one time and three motions. Like all
great philosophers, his shoes were down
at the heel, his elbows frayed, his knees
out of true, and his general appearance
proved a carelessness ON his part as to
whether he got up right end first or not
in the morning He was received with
enthusiastic applause, during which
Deacon Baker managed to give Elder
Toots vigorous kick and lay it to acct
dent. As he bowed his applause two but
tons were heard TO strike the wall be-
hind him, and his collar made deter
mined effort TO rise above his ears.
My EMS, :" began the honorable in
a voice rich with anticipation of the COM
ing chicken season, I've go to bed at
night. Ii we hev no company, we go to
bed long bout half pas 8 O'Clock. If we
hev soiree ON hand, it may be two
hours later. If ak you what you 60 to
bed fur, you answer, to sleep. What do
you sleep fur? You reply dat it is bekase
natur' intended you to Yes, but why
did she? You can't tell You tumble
into bed an lay dar on your backs an
snooze an dream of de lucky numbers in
policy, an when mawnln comes you fall
out an kick de dog an jaw de chillen an
wish you was rich an didn't hev to go
to work. [Yells of applause. Natur'
meant dat you should lie down in sleep
to give de body rest, to let all de mus
cles relax, de nerves grow quiet, de
brain cease its tremendous efforts fur
awhile. My world renowned tonic,
which kin be had in de anteroom after
dis meetin adjourns at 2 bits bottle,
cherry bottle warranted to hold half a
pint, will bring about dis happy result.
No cure, no pay. y
The orator paused here to imbibe a
glass of water, and a puzzled look crept
into Brother Gardeners face. He was
observed to make a signal to Giveadam
Jones, and that individual nodded, as if
he understood ii.
I'VE hev de backache, . continued the
orator, de backache, de collie, pains in
de chist, fits of melancholy, bad dreams.
sudden desiah to jump off de tower of
de city hall We hev SIGH things, an we
nebber stop to inquar de reason. We
jist goright long sufferin, layin our sad
condishun to Jay Gould, Vanderbilt an
de Standard Oil company an nebber
supposin dar is sartin an cheap cure
right at hand. [Sensation. My Fl ems,
has Gle prond satisfaction TO tell you
dat am de inventor, proprietor an sole
agent on dis globe fur de Wellington
Cholera Preventative an Lightnin Con
Remover, an arter dis meetin is ober
my remedy kin be had by any of de
gemlen present at de usual price Of ?
bits box, warranted purely vegetable
or money refunded. !" High old APP
| plause.
As the speaker stopped to take anoth-
er pint of water, there was a broad grin
ON almost every face, and this was in
creased by the uneasy movements of
Brother Gardner 1t was plain to be seen
that he had been taken in and done fer
again and that he was arranging some
sort of programme with Giveadam
Jones, who has long held the position of
Bogardus kicker to the club
My fr'en's, pathetically continued
the honorable, after the water had been
put away behind his nankeen vest, you
is walkin along de street, an am sud-
denly TOKEN wild crick in de back, an
can t 60 on down to de bank an draw
ont $50. You git up in de mawnin feel
i'll slumpy. You don't keer cents
whether You hev quail ON toast or turkey
on sweet cake for breakfast You wake
up in de night wild a cole sweat startin
out, violent beatin Of de heart, an
fear i'll your soul dat a hand Of anarchists
is hidden under de bed to take yonr life.
On sartin occashuns you sot down wild
piece Of chalk an single to figger up
how much var it viii cost you to rent
40 pos office boxes at 81 each You is
stuck. De fggers dance away from you.
Your eyes blur an you Jump up in
alarm if de dog bowls in dc back yard.
You go right along jist de same, how
ever, nebber stoppin to inquar into de
natural causes, an de fust thing you
know your friends am gathered around
your bedstead to see fou expire De-
cided sensation all yer the hall Ny
Fl ems, it gives me de utmos' pleasure to
be able to inform you Oh dis auriferous
occasion dat / am de sole owner Of what
is called DE Wellington Cure All Plas-
ter, which | warrant to be composed Of
10 different roots an de best Mort Caro-
lima tar Desc plasters sell at 20 cents
each, or six for a dollah, and de presi-
dent Of dis United States had one on de
small Of his back when he entered de