Little Falls weekly transcript. (Little Falls, Morrison Co., Minn.) 1894-19??, 1896-03-13
SIR 'ENRY's ACTOR.

-.
z. s.,' SIR 'ENRY'S ACTOR.
He Liked Congressman Crowley, but Could
Not Understand His Metaphor.
He was as corpulent as an exclamation
point, and he had sort of tongue tied
walk, reminding ol.e of bad case Of
locolnotor ataxia. His asbestus tinted
frizzes were parted amidships, like my
lady's we'll groomed Yorkshire terrier,
and his larboard eyebrow executed St.
Vitus' dance in an effort to retain a
strangle hold on the monocle screwed
in his eye. " u5. r..
He was one of Sir Henry g actors, and
together with Sir Henry had been see
ing tho sights Of Washington. He said:
Zone of the first membaws I encoun-
tawed. yer knaw, was a-aw-congress-
man from Texas, named-aw-named
Miles Crowley. This Crowley, yer
knaw, avis a chawming fellow, but
I didn't quite some of his
-aw-his metaphaw. When law
awsked him what the average numbaw
of-aw-people killed per day in Texas.
numbaw negroes lynched, numbaw
white men shot for cheating at cawds,
do you know what he actually said?
why, said Crowley, that depends upon
the numbaw of Queen Vic's subjects
there aw in Texas. Numbaw varies each
day. Going and coming all the time.
Now, you, faw, instance, wouldn't last
Is minutes in Texas, unless you switched
yaw doilect, got yaw hair cut, and blew
that bum looking roof yaw wearing
"The ideaw! Switching doilect and
blowing roof! I awsked him to explain,
you knaw, and be told me that would
have to have laparotomy performed on
my head before I saw jaowke or q
gag, dawnt yer know. Pawsitivley, yer
knaw, Congressman Crowley is simply
excruciating, yer knaw
-aw. Crowley. Iwas told. yer knaw-
aw-was quite fightaw in Texas, and
I awsked him about it. .... =.
"Yes, quite wight, yer knaw,' said
Crowley. 'Daown in our country our
motto is, "The shooting iron is mightiaw
than the sword, and the boxing glove is
mightiaw than the pen-aw." It was
till Govnaw Culbawson gave the Cav
bett and Fitz the fwappe, yer knaw.''
''Confound such metaphaw. What does
fwappe mean? I nevaw will learn this
Amewican slang, yer knaw, aw.
"'Look heaw, living said Crowley
-he fattawed me by comparing me to
the govnaw, Sir 'Enry-'you didn't
know came from Bawston, good old
Irish Bawston stock. Twas bawn under
the shadow of Bawston Hill monument,
but got the hot foot, yer knaw. Screw
ed my nut, yer knaw.' .". -
"Such expressions, aw, as screw my
nut and got the hot foot we're con-
founded cleavaw, suppose. but blow
me if I could compwehend them, yer
kuaw, aw. 49,, + s.@.r. .u...,...... H.,
"Then, yer knaw, I awsked Mr..
Crowley abaout his early days at school
in Bawston, and he astonished me by
telling me as 'ow he went through Haw-
vawd, aw. 'Ow I happened to go
through Hawvawd, yer knaw, was like
this: A friend of the family, yer haw,
was janitaw Of the college, and he took
me through '@.@ . -" h. TX f.
"Some of Crowley's friends were
standing about, yer knaw, and bloime
me if they all didn't give me an awful
lawf, yer knaw, aw. Oh couldn't see ex-
actly whaw the lawf came in. We went
into pub neaw the theataw, and Mr..
Crowley recommended some 'awf and
'awf. The 'awf and 'awf was tip top,
yer knaw, and I awsked the bawtendaw
if it was imported. III ....s gsa
7 "'It's from Jersey-Newark, New
Jersey, said the bawtendaw. "
"'Then it's imported if it's from
New jersey said Mr.. Crowley. and
they alllawfed again, though I couldn' t
see where the lawf came in, yer knaw
-aw. But Congressman Crowley is a
moline of Inflammation, and it was from
him, yer knaw, that I faound whoi it is
that Cleveland issued his Venezuelaw
papaw. Cleveland is kind Of spawt in
his vol, and he loikes to see spawning
people enjoy themselves. By favawing
Venezuelaw he can get all he wants. yer
knaw, from Cwespo. And what he
wants, yer knaw, is for Cwespo to pawss
bill permitting pwize foighting. This
will give the foighters, yer knaw. a
ohawnce to pull of a mill, and the poll
ticians Of the Stoites can no longer make
political capital aout Of the foighters.
Every spawt in the Stoites will give
Grover his suppawt il the Venezuelaw
<,,os%;o,, - de.,n;dod In fovox, ~ NOR.
icaw, said M. Crowley, yer knawl
when I told Congressman Harry
Minaw, whom I haw, yer knaw, in a
theatrical vol, what Mr.. Crowley had
impawted to me, what do you suppaowse
Minaw said7
HE lawfed hawtily, and said as low
Crowley had BEEN a-joahing Of me.
Chow, bloime me, what does joahins
mean. yer knxw-aw?''-W darlington
Post i.ss..--A-.,. 80.