Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1896-05-14
GEMS OF QUICK WIT.
HAPPY ANSWERS WORTHY OF A
PLACE IN LITERATURE.

PLACE IN LITERATURE.
Old witticisms Which Are - Good Today
- when They Were FIRE Pus Forth.
Law Courts and Prisessss Yurnish .
0esdiy Share.
Mr.. Samuel weller's memorable evi.
dence ut certain breach Of promise
trial Is probably q record for the
greatest number Of hsppy answers in the
shortest time. but there are authenti.
Gated instances Of actual utterances
which certainly rival them in brilliance
and appropriateness. The law courts, as
may be imagined, furnish their full
quota, but many are, perforce, unappre-
eiable by those unacquainted with the
technicalities or the "argot" OF the To-
rum. Still. Lambs chatting description
Of friends maiden brief a. the first
great cause least understood" Is in
comprehensive enough, o. il the quiet,
acquiescent THAT is so, my lord" Of
the barrister TO whom an irate judge
had just observed. 81 can't give you
brains. Mr.. So-and-so." II, myself,
have two small manors, my lord, a" said
q very i'll bred, pompous counsel, to IL
lustrate n question Of property law.
I've all know that, Mr.. Kewsey," OBJ
served the Judge with suave courtesy,
and u smile Of delight ran round the
assembled bar. Look ut me, sir, and
attend to what I shall ask you, thun-
dered n learned counsel whose unfortu-
nate 'homeliness" Of feature had gain
ed him the sobriquet Of the Yelled
Prophet. "This is an English court, "
rejoined the witness quietly, land You
have M right ~ impose torture before
putting the question"
Prisoners, too, have . fair proportion
Of happy answers credited to them.
OF these perhaps the best known are
that IL q man who, when asked IL he
pleaded guilty or not guilty" replied
that he couldn't say till he had heard
the evidence, and the naive response Of
the prisoner to the usual question before
the sentence, Have you anything TO
say, prisoner, before sentence il pro-
nounced upon you?'' ''It's very kind of
your honor. and IL it's quite agreeable
to the court i should like to say Good
evening On one occasion counsel in
certain drainage case submitted that
the plaintiffs. the Sewage Localization
company, had emo locus standi' in this
court" ''EIeaven forbidv' was the fer
vent ejaculation If the learned Judge
Something akin TO this was the answer
OF the judge when complaint was made
that a luckless process server had been
compelled TO swallow the writ he had
endeavored to serve. II hope" said his
lor'iship gravely, that the writ was
not made returnable in this court"
The happy answers" owing their
point TO Biblical or ecclesiastical allu-
sions, are still more numerous, but in
many eases are somewhat too audacious
for print. ''Hc is n regular st. Paul"
was the final culogy made by an enthu-
siastic friend Of q certain needy clergy
man whose chronic impecuniosity had
brought him into painfully frequent IA
miliarity with the various processes of
tho law for the recovery Of debts.
YES" said the bishop, whose assist.
ance was being solicited, ''quite 30.
see-'in prisons oftr" The pardonable
but injudicious enthusiasm Of some cler.
gymen over their musical services has
given rise to many smart sayings, which
arc, mt any rate. ben trovato." None,
perhaps, is better than the familiar one
of the exaspcrated visitor who, after be.
ing made to listen i'm torment to Gre.
gorian chants cruelty murdered, was
told that according to tradition those
chants owed their origin TO King David
himself The visitor. rendered reckless
by his misery, retorted that he had Of.
ten wondered why Saul threw that jaw.
elm at the royal psalmist, but he quite
understood 10 now.
A careworn divine is reported to have
said in reply to the ecstatic declaration
If an intending Benedict that ''nothinp
in the world beats a good wife," "Oh,
yes, bad husband often does, and
vice vcrssv" One would like to have
known the schoolgirl who, in reply &c
her brothers jeers and inquiry, "why
girls should be always kissing each 9th.
or and men not?" said that. Of course,
10 was because girls had nothing better
To kiss and men had-but perhaps she
studied the question too deeply and de.
veloped into the fair cynic who. after q
season or two Of conquests, gave it NJ
her opinion that men were like colds,
very easy to catch and very hard to &c,
rid Of. Few better things are recorded
than the answer of Beaconsfield to the
question how he felt after the change
from the stormy scenes Of the common.
to the serene atmosphere Of the lords.
"Feelr' answered the statesman. 81
feel NJ though were dead and buried. VI
and then. noticing for the first time
that his questioner was a peer, he add
ed. with charming smile and bow.
and among the blessed spirits Of the
great and good" This adroit recovery
from an unfortunate slip recalls the fa.
miliar story Of the prince regent and
the officer Of marines. In those brave
old days 81 free drinking the empty bot.
ties which gathered apace were styled
marines. for what reason il is hard
to say. Tho prince called to n servan,
and babe him clear away those ma.
rines" An officer II that distinguished