The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1896-01-28

are to-day. oh, have the power and
my will siiall be lay. So / will Itnke my
time to answer that vulgar OlnGy, the
secretary OF the 6awlty-lllyfna nnerou
people, yclepedt Americans.
A Little Later.
December II, 1896, orlthe beginning OF
important events of the last thirty
days;
sccne-Hntfeld House. No easy seat.
no smoke, no wine. Lord Salisbury.
walking the floor In most agitated
manner. holding In his hand another
"Wbat. no, wsthout there, Bring
Chamberlain at once! Bring Ice, or
something coollng There, Chamber
lain, see what that dnmn'd duck hunt
Ing American hns sent meme, sir!
Why, he has taken me for a quocking
duck, sir. and has hit me right between
the eyes. Slip the dogs OF wn-! Send
II ileet and nm army At once to chnA-.
tise those br1ggurt Americans! Whew!
We'll, l am blawsted not under the col
lar. Who would have ever expected
tlnt they would have the lnipudcnce to
Insult this great England, me, It's uIl-
crowned king? Telegraph Canada to
at once send thirty thousand men down
illld take New York and washington
and that duck hunter. and be sure 10.
hrlng fne Olney's head on n fork. thTt !
may toast him at my leisure. Whew!
How hot 1t Isl
Have patience. my noble lord" said
Chamberlain, in honeyed accents, as he
lSneIt and kissed the last button on his
lords vest. Have patience. We Will
most fssuredly punish those lmpudent
Americans for this m6at H9called for
nftront to your most gracious lordship.
We will have our Thunde:er settle
them, and we will buy up a couple OF
New York papers, say the World and
Post; in fact, you know that we own
the Post and Its editors are both Eng
lishfnen: and we can buy few impe-
cunlous, long haired professors from
are cheap any way you
take them. and also some parsons that
went to emulate Parittlurst. they don't
care how. And we could get some cor
respondents of the FINES very cheap.
And, then. there Is nobody behind the
ubtcrcrs OF such contemplate papers.
Why, those papers say that already
every one Is hunting hole. We VIII
keep an impenetrable silence, and'fhey
Will be so puzzled to know what punish.
merit we intend to administer. that be.
fore many Days their Congress VIII
apologize. and so the. whole thing wiz
blow over, and we will be Just as undis-
turbed land gtubbers as ever. And We
will notify our great bankers TO swamp
them with their securities, and that will
settle them for some time TO come, be-
cause II touches their pockets"
The Next NJ IRA ing.
And the next morning Chamberlain
reported that, ''the World and Post and
our paid professors were buslly writing
down the message. aud that the Monroe
doctrine doesn'tapply ,and$hat the stock
market had gone TO the demnltion bow
vows; that every thing was growing
lovely; that the President would veto
the increased tariff bills and that he
must have S20O,000,000 at once or there
would be no market money for the fam
fly; that nobody reads the Giant Sun.
or Tribune, or any other OF the thous-
and papers llhat are published over
among our counslns that uphold the
message.
But 1t is true that both houses OF
Congress did unanimously pass the APP
TO form the Venezuela
and that the President has
selected I'VE OF their best men-Brewer
Gillian, White. Coudcrt and Aekley. II
Is rather RggrlYatlng, my noble lord.
and we must ind some way out OF u,
for Norman says that Granville did
promise 10 arbJ!rate the whole question,
and that you refused 10 be consistent
because you happened 10 lind gold there
lust as You came lrlO office, and that
you forgot Ghat when you answered
olney. But In some way, US such known
land gfaDbers as we Hfc, we will be able
to find some lUop-hole tlat VIII let us
make settlement with peace and hon
or anl still retain the SchOmburGk
line"
And the NEXT day came the news that
the Beers had whipped jameson and
Ills 400 and taken then prisoners, and
that II was with the cOnnivnnce OF
ana Chamberlain. AT their
next interview, Chamberlain said to
his noble Lord Salisbury, II say, Sails
bury, sliaii we deny all acquaintance
with this Rhodes-jameson raid ina
the TransVaal, for now That they have
lost there Is nothing else to do: but y
JamIesUn had won. why, then. II would
have been necessary for us to step In
and save the liOcrs, by taking Them in
out OF the cold. and quietly annexing
them to this glorious country OF ours.
and enjoyed this LATEST grab. Con-
found 81, II was q splendldly planned
scheme"
bolt from the blue struck you this time,
not me. We will see what q nngniti-
cent-ahem!-yUti can be. Tell them
that VIC never dreamed that Rhodes
and jameson were such a wicked pai=
as to attack such lot OF veak-minded
people as the Beers, All Englishmen
will believe you, but don't believe any
body else Will. lIn-hn! hope.
ChamDy, that you c;Iu clear our skirts"
(Entcr servant with q dispatch.l
"Insolenti Beggarl IIInatici Dog
OF IN emperor! Itend that, Chamber
laln!"hirIy shrlci;ed Ills noble lordshIp,
Chamberlain reads:
DERLlN. Germany, Jan, 1896.
ITO Most Noble President. Johannes
burg. TrnnsVanl, South Africa:
~ mos. heartily congratulate you on
your successful baGging OF Jameson
unl his band OF robbers. md hope you
llnvc hanged them all. II yUu nre short
OF men, can send you some German
soldier farmers, say Ten thousand or so.
win DcleSOa Lay. II you uGT short of
funds, draw OH Tho crown Jewels, as
tirrt IL all have left n6ter my last jun
keeling trip 10 the north pole. and
expect to so 10 some hotter place after
] send you THU lnl'SSu.g.
yours to command, cordially and
brotherly,
KAISER WILLIAM"
"Chambcrlnlu. have YOU every war
vessel put In immediate sailing cOndl-
tlon (aill II was DOM In live days.. mo-
bIliZC our forces. and We will show the
world ,.lat Old England Is still on
dcclE."
Chamberlain ext, Salisbury solllo-
H4lzeS.}
"WcIi. Inns II come to this. that ], the
representative Of l1nBlnnd's greatness,
in GUCt. hS niierownGd ltlnE. whose
word In law, should have my face slap