Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1896-02-08
ALkALI IKE AND HIS TOWN

Don't know whether I enjoy 1t or not"
replied Alkal Ike, in response to the query
of the guileless tourist, who was rapidly ac-
cumulsiing en- interesting mass of misin-
formation which he intended Incorporating
In lengthy manuscript to be read upon
his return to Massachusetts, before the Back
Bay Society for the Dissemination of Use
less knowledge. "Hain't never tasted it.
don't go much on these yere fancy French
drinks, anyhow; most of 'em is a heap too
weak an pindlin' for a grown man"
Pardon me, but golf Is not beverage"
said the tourist, politely. 1T is a game"
Hin! Say 1t is? reckon that's a boss
on me-" answered Isaac, magnanimously
Jaw. wal, a man can't be expected to know
everything. Golf? Believe I've read suthin'
about it; it's that thar walk-around whurin
the players rig Up like circus clowns an go
peroozin' across the scenery, chasin' a little
ball with crooked stick. Eh-yah! hain't
rever INDUCED in no golf: hain't that kind
of a man.
But, my dear sir, it is a great favorite in
tie east.the reigning fad. in fact"
Il hatn't seem no pungent reason why 1t
shouldn't be: them people in the east shore
INDUCES in some mighty quaint an fantastic
freaks in the name Of sport. I'm sanguine
it's due to the way they are raised, or meb-
by it is in the air. They gifts relaxation out
Of pursooin' of a frenzied bag of aniseed
across the face Of nature. or playin long
tennyson or hurlin' little sacks of beans at
each other. But out yere in the west we
hain't that badly dried out yet. Course we
have our relaxations, but we don't indulge
in no homypathic frivolities. When We play
airy game, you bet your neck 1t is a mans
game! The nearest thing to this we're golf
doln's that we mingie in is what you might
call the merry pastime Of progressive tar
en- fedtherin'."
list. in establishment. "Why. my dear fell
low l never heard Of that-er-ceremony
| teing regarded 4 pastime. 1t is. in re-
| atty, punishment, is 1t not. and painful
| one ct that?"
Depends a heap upon the position you
occupy in the game" returned the veracious
| narrator, cheerfully. IF you are one of the
| parties of the second part. an not closely
| related to the party of the first part. you
| most generally feel that it is indeed good
| to be thar. But If you happen to be the
| party OF the first part you are liable TO en-
| terrain symptoms that are radically differ
ent. I've had the pleasure of off1ciatin In
both capacities. an / speak by the card.
''One time, goin on three or four years
| ago, down in the Panhandle country, be
comes so popular with my Teller men that
| they whirl in an present me with a robe CT
| tar. buttoned on with swipin' brush and
| trimmed with hen hair, an triumphantly
| escorts ME out of the settlement on the top
| side of q saw-edged rail- Aw, wal, thar
wasn't no speshul features worth recalln'
about this we're exodus, except that 1 got
| sorter shot up by near-siehted eastern
! sportsman who mistook me for casso-
| wary, or Suthin of the kind, an afterward
| fell out of tall tree into the midst of a
| Sunday school picnic who wee eatin' their
| picnic dinner below. Some of 'em 'peared to
| mistake me for the devil, an others didn't t,
| an made my escape while the superinten-
! dent an the little boys we're revfyin' the
| members Of the young ladies' Bible class,
| who had very properly swooEed. 1t didn' I
oil 1.s,fS frullx
| year afterwsr I'd before 1 laughed about it.
| ''Takin' all the tar an featherin's that /
| ever mingled in / never knowed but one
| whurin the party of the first part got much
| good out of it, except in the way of an OBJ
| ject lesson. This yere man I'm recaliin'
| 'peared to glory in his shame. as they say in
| stories. / forgit what we decorated him for,
| speshul mebby it was simply burcuz the
! regular tar-an'- featherin' day had come
| round-Which was every third Saturday,
weather permittin'-an thar was nobody
| handy who was more deservfn'. 1t don't
| matter now. anyhow. His rame was Hoon,
| an SO We warmed up the tar.
| I'VE didn't feather this yere man. literally
| speakin', bercuz MzZus Lopdick. the genial
and accommodating landlady Of the Cos
| Hlopolitan Hotel announced that business
was business, an she wasn't goln to denude
| TO more pller ticks for to array gents who
weren't guests of the hotel. Accordin, we
rips up old buffalo robe. an 1T hain't sc
bad a substitute for hen hair as you might
think.
wal Mr. Hoon is decorated all accordln
to Hoyle, Col Handy Polk gifts off few
| well-chosen remarks. and the party of the
first part defuncts in a southwesterly di
rection. kickin' the scenery behind him al
the rate of about forty miles an hour
Some time next day, as he is ambln
along, he meets up with an italian with o
hand organ cinched on his hump. This yerc
furriner don't speak much English, but he
makes himself clearly understood by hoppin
out of gully and knockin' the tarred gent
down with club. They exchange compli
ments, pow-wow for a spell an put UP g
scheme for conquerin' the world The
Roman had been bereaved OF his dancin
bear a few days before, an he orgyntze!
what you call a copodnership with the tarret
man to act as the late lamented bruins sue
| cesssor.
ALSO he done it. The Roman warmed hi.
Teller conspirator up before a bonfire. graft
ed patches Of jack rabbit fur on the place:
we had neglected to cover, an had an ele
giant bear that hain't never been duplicated
in the history of the world. The tarred mai
was plenty docile an cunnin', an after
| few lessons he danced a hirangaho to tn
insprin strains of the organ that made tn
Roman throw up his hands in admiration.
WAL durin' the next two weeks or s,
them conspirators drifted around from on
settlement to another. creatin a Juror whur
ever they appeared an simply coined mon
ey, speshully from tourists from the east
| who wasn't intimately acquainted witt
/ bears nohow an admired this yere one ex
| ceedingly for his accomplishments L reck
| on, likely as not. the copodnershlp woul'
have been existin' yet II the man-bea
/ hadn't got purse proud with prosperity an
become too high toned for bis business
: HE insisted upon havin' tail, an n
, | wanted 1T to be long one. The Roman
; took a day off and reasoned with him. sayin
that since the foundation Of the world tina
hain't never been no bears with tails. In
man-bear swore he didn't give awhoop TO
precedent; this yere present Annie Dom
I merni was the age Of progress. by jing. an
!, he'd have a tail or he wouldn't dance anoth
! err lick He knowed his rights. an woul
: stard up for 'em to the bitter end. let tn
, chips fall whur they happened to. No tail
no bear!
AN 50 they parted. the Roman losin' hi
rear but retainin his self-respect, an tn
+ tarred man goin' on the hunt Of a tail. Hi
+ record is plenty brief after that. He git
; his tail, but only finds himself mock an
q Iaughfn' stock He can't git along sue
cessful without his business manager, ar
goes to ruin prompt an unanimous drag
| gin, his tail behind him.
AN thus he passes off from the map ar
@ | is gone like puff of smoke. An that is tn
. ~ 1,o,,e ,tryv -1,an