The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1896-07-15

since the days when Noah made his
great invention of drunkenness. The
professors body was swinging forwards
and backwards and sideways, and was
mostly at an angle Of. say, fifty degrees
with the ground. 1t was clear that If it
hadn't been for the lead soles fastened
to his boots. he would have done a good
deal of walking ON his head. | followed
pretty close after him, and he evidently
enjoyed himself immensely. for he kept
calling out to me to notice how light he
was, and demanded to know whether he
hadn't knocked gravitatiOn endways
with his gas machine. Even when he
came down with both feet in briar
bush, and stuck there until | pulled him
out by main force, leaving a large pro-
portion of his trousers in the bush, he
, never lost his spirits. He had walked
twice around the yard when little ac-
cident happened which interrupted his
experiment. He came down with both
feet ON one cats tail Now Tommie was
one of the best-tempered cats ! ever
knew. that is to say so long as you
| treated him with proper respect. He
was also the champion cat.fghter of
New Berlinopolisville, and there wasn't
hardly Il night that he didn't have a
match with some rival cat. and, as
rule. he won ii in two, or at the most
| three rounds. He was lying asleep
under q small rose bush when the pro-
fessor came down on his all, and it
irritated him. as was only natural ]
should have been irritated myself If
had been in his place. Being mad all
over. Tummie frees his mind with a few
| remarks. and then he makes jump for
| the professors shoulder, where he
| stopped long enough to give him a
| couple of good one on the cheek that
| drew the blood, and then he went over
| the fence in search of quiet spot where
he coud make repairs to his tail. He
came up to the professor to sympathize
| with him while he was wiping the blood
| from his face, but he sang out to me not
| to bring my cigar anywhere near him,
| for the gas was leaking. and an eX-
plosion night be brought about. |
could see that hs size was rapidly grow
| ing less. and i'm little while the gas had
| all ESCAPED through half q dozen holes
that the cats claws had made in the
shirt, and the professor was able to walk
| like an ordinary Christian.
II can't do anything more" said Van
| WAGNER, until I have mended the
| leaks in my shirt" And then he used
| a lot of scientific language about cats
| in general which was excusable in the
| circumstances.
said to him that Tommy was one Of
| the leading cats of New Berlnopolis-
| tt,,i,- I,, Ac
| for his getting angry when a scientific
man with leaden soles landed on his tail.
that was only human. and he ought not
| to blame the cat for it.
II don't blame him so much for get
| ting angry" said Van Wagener "as I
| do for not taking any interest in science.
| But that's just the way with a cat. Any
cat. would sooner spoil an experiment
than not. A friend of mine who does a
| good deal of vivisecting tells me that he
has; more trouble with cats than with
any. other animals. However. the mis-
chiefs done now. and there's no use in
saying anything more. you'll admit,
| l think, that my experiment was a great
success?"
| Ell admit" said I. that any army in
theo world would run away from an
| enemy approaching in the same style
as you circulated round my yard"
| "Wait till have had a little more ex-
| perience." said the professor. Il did not
have quite gas enough in my shirt. and
my shoes were not quite heavy enough.
| When l find out the exact quantity Of
gays ought to use. and the precise
weight that needs to be attached to my
feet, all that will be necessary will be
practice. ! venture to say. that with
about three days OF practice, 1 shall be
| able to walk at the rate Of thirty miles