The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1896-04-05
The CELIBATE CLEB.
Records of an Heroic Society


Records of an Heroic Society and It's Fate
Women" remarked Jack Forest, ARE the
bane of bachelor civilization"
W. men is woe personined, :" remarked Arc
turus Organ. known as the star bachelor OF
tho combination
IF ! had choice OF all things on earth" said
John Temple. II would choose woman last"
'What in thunder are they here for.'' in
quired VIII King.
ION one she smiles and he is blest," scorn.
fully quoted Frank Park. and added, land
then she smiles on all the rest"
Fellow sufferers said |, Thomas Tom
mington, by superiority of age and experience
Chief of the Celibate COtcrie. heartily coin
Gliding with the individual and aggregate opin
ions just expressed, permit me to offer the
following resolutions:
"Whcrfds, Woman. by her continued actions,
shows that she is in favor of the utter exter.
mination of bachelors; and
"Whercds. Woman on all occasions and at
all times expresses her adherence of bache
lors as such: and
"Whertds, Woman has no use for a man un-
less she can lead him around by the nose: and
"Whcre1s, Woman is constantly on the look
out for that kind of a man with that kind Of a
nose; and
'HtftuS. "Olndl btIlCNcS tildt ildh Ndo
provided with a nose simply rs n handle for
her to take hold of; and
"UhSreds, Woman thinks she WINS the
earth and the men thereof; and
"Whereds, She never was IAore mistaken in
her life: therefore. be It
"RssOlrcd. That we whose signatures are
hereto appended do hereby assert our manhood
and hurl defiance in her teeth; and
"Resolrcd, That we entirely ignore the ex-
istence of all womankind and
'R'solred. That we do solemnly pledge our
selves to throw off the female yoke. to trample
beneath our feet the letters woman would
forge upon us. to assert and maintain that we
are one and indivisille. and that henceforth and
forever we will neither marry any woman nor
be married by her"
As might have been expected. these resolu-
tions were received with vocifcrous applause.
so hilarious that three babies ON the floor be
low and seven on the floor above were aroused
from their angel slumbers, and soon had
awakened everybody else in the building.
After which we adjourned, having been i'm
plored to do so by a committee of twelve mar
ried men, who assured us that when we had
children of our own we could better under
stand their feelings in the matter.
t this point, possibly, | might explain that
the gentlemen whose names have been men
toned were unmarried men. whose years
were numbered from thirty five to fifty, who
had been compelled by the emergencies by
which they had been surrounded to take this
means of defence. They were all good men
and true. and when their word had been given
there was no power on earth could break it.
We had formally resolved to lie perpetual
bachelors, and that settled the business.
And what n feeling of exquisite rest il gave
me! For years l had been fiattering women
and paying court to them and murmuring
sweet nOthings to them, and sitting On damp
piazzas in the moonlight with them. and lulling
beneath the shade If summer resort trees phi.
losophizing on love, and holding girls hands
and spending my hard-earned savings to make
n maiden's holiday. and writing inane and
vapid poems to their drugstore complcxions
and their liquid blue or brown or gray eyes,
as the case might be. and so on, adj minimum
de disgustihusque.
Now and then. ! am willing to confess, I
found one who was really quite irresistible,
and | became serious. only To find, when some
other chap came around. how utterly IRE,
sponsible and unreliable all women were. I
confess, also, that such eX experiences were rather
unpleasant To my general feelings and gave
me seasons of depression. not to say gloom.
But with the coterie's resolutions fixed in my
mind ] felt a new strength, and I began life
all over again, and with surh an infinite sense
OF relief that words are quite inadequate TO ex-
pItdN ny VAn' ~ VI hll'A
For three months this blissful condition cGn.
tinned. and then ! was thrown from u horse
and sustained injuries to the extent OF n broken
leg and number'ess bruises. | had ordered my
self To ne taken To the hospital, where all good
bachelors go when they are Ill, but II cousin OF
mine. u fine fellow. except that he was married,
issued orders to the contrary and took me home
with him. There ! was fixed no in royal style,
and, his wife took charge or me with such
mothcrly sOlicitude that | ceased TO growl
about not going TO the hospital.
Within "A week | began to improve, and about
that Ilmn my IInsln's wlIR'S afGNap "a V,n a., Tho
house on a visit. and. not having much else 10
do. size used TO aInusc herself with me. OH
iected at first, and vowed Id rOut myself out
and 90 to the hospital. hut those two women
knew they had me where | was dofcncelcss,
and they only laughed at me when | growled,
and ted me ON dainties when l was ~taciturn
but my appetite was something astonishing,
and II forced me TO overcome any prejudice
Later my cousins wife's sister took 10 read
Ing TO me, and she compelled me To listen
10 her because she did have excellent taste in
the matter Of books, and could read exceedingly
well. As to her voice. II was tie sweetest
ever heard. hut, ot course, she could have no
credit for that She was born with il.
Occasionally the members Of the coterie
visited me, but not often, rs the very presence
OF women was disagreeaLle 20 them. They con
frowned upon Providence for thus ihh mr. iM We
me into the hands OF the enemy,
As time went by, and my cousins wife's
sister continued 70 read To me, ! unCOnsciously
grew into the habit Of looking at her sitting on
the low chair near me, with her head bend
ing over the book, and began TO wonder what
glossy, and when she would look up occasion,
ally and smile In response 70 "a laugh or remark
have a queer kind OF feeling, as II were
with some kind OF heart trouble.
one day asked the doctor about IL and he
SSsSS'a'E sr% ErIaadH""' II S Wasn't tr' the kindly srsa s%i,I
OF the physician 70 a p~etulant patient, but a
grin; and would have thrown him out OF Tie