The herald., 1896-10-25
! IMPROMP1US IND REPlRTEES

The good things that have been said
across the walnuts and the wine" are
legion. A happy and familiar one was
Warburton's explanation to Lord Sand
wich as to the meaning of uRvo theolo-
gical terms, Orthodoxy, my lord, Is
my doxy; heterodoxy is any other mans
doxy."
Almost as good is another prandial
definition attributed to Lord Russell,
when he expressed a proverb as being
"One mans wit and all mems wisdom"
Somewhat more persoGal, but decidedly
effective. was the retort courteous Of
certain learned scientist. At dinner one
of the guests began to deride divine
philosophy" and rudely expressed his
opinion that philosopher was merely an
other way of spelling fool. What is your
opinion, professor; is there much differ
ence. between them?" And the professor,
with polite bow to his boorish Wis asvis
responded gravely: Sometimes only
the width of table," A lady in the good
of gallant admiral by her apt employ
ment Of nautical expression. "Gadi
madam" said the old salt with an heroic
EFFORT at compliments as the ladies rose
to leave the table, 1--WE shall be all any,
how when you have gone, like-like
ships without pilots, by Jove." "In that
case, admiral, I'll give you the parting
advice to stick hard to port
Ecclesiastical wit and readiness are
often of very high order. 1t was a
bishop who is credited with having res
cued whole drawing room from the
profoundest abysses oil social confusion.
A lady had been asked to sing and in
accordance with invariable custom de-
clined. They must excuse her; she
wouldn'a be SO crued; positively, she
really couldn't sing" But to no purpose,
and as result the blushing siren COM
SlIralV w rYph orfo
ance heard! Not one note had even a
faint relation to the tune; an eminent
traveller was heard to murmur sOme-
thing about red Indian warwhoops; near
and distant cats thought 1t challenge
from some formidable rival and Joined in
In the chorus with superf1ne energy. At
last 1t ended and dead silence reigned
so appalling had been the performance
that even the most conventional of COM
pliments refused to be uttered. But the
bishop was equal to the occasion. Going
up to the astonished songstress he
thanked her for complying with their
request. adding with courtly smile and
tactful intOnation, I'VE shall know what
to think another time, my dear Miss So
and-So, when you tell us you can't sing"
The French have inspired two bons
mots, both fairly familiAr. and neither
very complimentary.
A F'renchman and Swiss were dis
cussing war: the Swiss admitted he
fought for money; the Frenchman, of
course, asserted that his only object was
Ia gloire. We'll, WE'LL" retorted the
Helvetian. Il suppose every one fights
for what he hasn't got" The occasion
OF the other impromptu was the winning
OF the Derby by French horse. Water !
loo Is avenged" screamed an excited
and patriotic Gaul. A Briton-who had |
probably not backed the winner-glared
at him. Yes; it must be confessed you
ran well on both occasions" Wilkes
sotto voce comment upon Thurlow's |
theatrically loyal speech must take rank
amongst the best of impromptu, despite |
it's vulgarity. 1t must be remembered
that "damns" and other strong express
sions had not yet had their day."
when forget my sovereign may God |
forget me-" apostrophised Thurlow.
Forget you!" sneered Wilkes; Hell
see you damned first" A couple of ex-
from the fruitful field of examination
answers must close our list The first
is that of a medical student whose tri-
umphant ignorance irritated the exam
iner beyond endurance. perhaps you
can tell me, Mr.. So-and-so, what muscles
I should put in motion If were to kick
you off the PLATFORM" The answer was
prompt and unexpected. 1.-The fiexors
and extensors of my right arm, sir, for |
should knock you down." The second |
is that of an embryo Vauban. "You are |
to imagine, Mr.. So-and-so, that the for |
tress you wish to take is protected by |
river and natural rampant of rocks. |
What course should you adopt, assuming |
you are unable to bridge the river?" The |
miserable neophyte looked this way and |
that for inspiration, but none was forth !
coming. The examiners looked stern;
his comrades giggled mockingly. He |
realized that the question was a poser,
and that he was done for, and in a very
audible whisper he gave vent to the scan
dalous expression, Damn the river and
blast the rocks "Quite right, sir"
came the unexpected answer and, with
a vague doubt whether he was standing
on his head or his heels, the aspiring
warrior realized that he had scraped
through, thanks to the fortunate double |
entendre Of his inexcusable "impromp-
.tu.'