The St. Johns herald., 1896-09-19

w ndL Hne! buSSluS-O -OeDlS.-I uIL<a- delphia Record.
 Homekeep-Ever drink any of these substitutes for coffee? Dayboard-I haven't drank anything else for seven years.-Cincinnati Enquirer
 Hedges-Sappy is continually falling of his wheel Rose-What can you expect from a fellow who isn't we'll -balanced.-Philadelp North Ameri- can.
 Summer is tough season on us par ents." "Why soT "Our daughters who have been graduated try to mako us talk grammatically." y."-Chicagc Res ord.
 Fame" said Uncle Eben, Jam jes' like swingin' in CT hammick. Hit am mighty good fun ef somebody doan' cut de string an drap yer."- Washington Star.
 Docs your family sympathize with you when you have insomniaT 'Yes. When I can't sleep sit up all night and practice on my accordion. cago Record.
 Though you may not take vacation
 On your very slender pay,
 There Is rest and recreation,
 In the bores that so away. Chicago Record.
 WIllIe-Grandpa, tell me a story. Grandpa-Once upon a time, before people thought of marrying for mOn- ey- Willie-Oh, don't mean fairy story.-Norristown Herald.
 "Enen," said old Borderkeep, "here comes them York folks. Give the chil- dren little more snuff an get 'em ter sneezin'. We've got ter make lem think it's cool here somehow."-Judge.
 One bitter drop spells rapture's cup;
 When ice sells by the splinter
 We cannot can the hot waves up
 To use them in the winter. A-Chicago Record.
 "I suppose you're fond of Shaks- peare," said one legitimate actor to an- other. 'fOf course am." '"Then why an the name of humanity do you insist on acting his playsT-Washington Star.
 wickwire-Have you noticed that Nudge has quit cigars and taken up pipe? Yabsley-Yes; wonder what is the cause-has he been playing the races or getting engaged ?-Indianapo Journal. r Just like our hopes,
 Ts Which oft vanish In vapor,
 Are the candidates promises;
 Strong-on paper.
 -4Philadelphia North American. i Salvation Army Apostle-If you swear at those horses, my good man, you'll never go to heaven. Teamster lhumbly)-r knows 1t, mum; but if l don't I'll never get to Tonawanda.- Buffalo Times.
 Mechanic-'T have just been married ard would like raise in my wages" Employer-'T am sorry, but the com- pany is only responsible for accidents that happen to the men while In the ctory,"-Brooklyn Life.
 wiggles-'There's one good thing about Hicks. He is always willing to admit 1t when he is in the wrong" ,Waggles-'T don't think 1t Is a good thing. 1t doesn't seem to trouble him a bit,"-Somervill Journal.
 summered on the Jersey coast,
 Ard I am puzzled still,
 As tyyixt the skeeters and hotels,
 Which has the longest bill. Louisville Truth. sIt seems to me, Mir. Stlllson, that your new house is lacking In judicious use of fretwork."- "Well, my wife will i'll that deficiency just as soon as she gets her eye on those measly closets."- Cleveland Plain Dealer. Her am going to pay you the highest compliment man can pay a woman" She-'This Is so sudden" He-"I know 1t, but came away with out my pocketbook-can you lend me dollar until T'-New York World.
 "And how is your papa, Eddie?" !, "Papa is feeling ever so much better today" T suppose it's the change in the weather" "No. ma'am, 'taint the weather. Mamma has decided to start for the seaside to-morrow."-Cl i land Plain Dealer.
 "No," said Dismal Dawson, in answer to his benefactor's question, hard times Is not the best for our business. | Nor yet good times. The times that suits me best is about medium-when | the work ain't too plenty, nor money too scare" e."-Indianapolis Journal
 \ little 4-year-old occupied an upper berth in the sleeping-car. Awakening once In the middle of the night h.s mother asked him if he knew where he was. "Tourse I do," he replied. "rni in the top drawer."-Youth's Compan- ion.
 'I often wonder just what she thinks of me-" said the young married man. ''It Is easy to find out" said the elderly married man. "Just sit down on heS hat and she will tell you what sho thinks of you in less than a minute."- Indianapolis Journal
 The majority of the Matabele are said to be anxious to surrender, but are held back by their chiefs. The contemplated British attack has been postponed for three days. The chief of the natives in the Fort Charter dis