The record-union., 1896-10-04
QUEER EPITAPHS.
80
Some Very Peculiar Legends on
TOmbStOneS

In the churchyard of ST. John, Wor-
| cester, says Current Literature is an
epitaph which, If brevity is the soul
of wit, has high claim on that character:
Honest John
s dead and gone
Here are some miscellaneous grotes-
ques:
Here lies me and my three daughters.
Brought here by using Cheltenham waters,
If we had stuck to EPSON salts
We wouldn't be in these here vaults.
From a New Hampshire churchyard:
To all my friends l bid adieu,
more sudden death you never knew,
As was leading, the old mare to drink,
She kicked, and killed me Quickern a
wink.
On an East Tennessee lady:
She lived a life of virtue, and died of
cholera morbus, caused by eating green
fruit. in hope of blessed immortality. at
the early age of y years, Z months and III
days. Reader, Go thou and do likewise.
The following was composed by three
Scotch friends to whom the person com
memorated had left a legacy, with the
hope expressed that they would honor
him by some record of their regrets
The first friend composed the line which
naturally opened the epitaph:
Provost Peter Patterson was provost of
Dundee.
The second added:
Provost Peter Patterson, here lies he.
The third could suggest no other con-
clusiOn than;
Hallelujah! Hallelujee!
The following must be taken as a
fling at a noble profession:
Here lies the corpse Of DIR. Chard,
Who filled the half Of this churchyard.
This is as bad as the unkind hint con-
veyed in the following, in churchyard
near Newmarket:
II ere lies the body of Sarah Sexton,
Who never did aught TO yex one,
Not like the woman under the next stone.
Domestic troubles have been laid bare
on the tombstone from the time Of the
Greeks and Romans. Here is a piece
of atrocious doggerel to be seen in Sell
by churchyard, in Yorkshire:
Here lies my wife, a sad slattern and
shrew;
If said 1 regretted her / should lie, too.
The following, which frequently ap
pears in collections Of epitaphs, are not
credited to any locality, and may be
mere wandering bits Of epigrammatic
misogynism
This dear little spot is the joy of my life
/ am not grieved my dearest wife.
Sleep on-I've got another wife;
Therefore | cannot come TO thee,
For i must go and live with she.
My wife's dead, and here she lies,
No man laughs, and no man cries;
Where's she gone or how she fares,
Nobody knows and nobody cares
Here lies my poor wife, without bed or
blanket,
But dead as door nail, and God be
thankit
In the following the tables are turned:
Here lies the body of Mary Ford,
Whose soul, we trust, IS with the Lord !;
But if for hell she's changed this life,
',Tis better than being John Ford's wife.
Intentional droileries frequently
take the form of puns. Among these
should rank the epitaph on Mr.. Foote of
Norwich:
Here lies one Foote, whose death many
thousands save,
For death hath now one foot within the
grave
And the one on Mr.. Box
Here lies one Box within another,
The one of wood was very good;
We cannot say so much for tother-
Also the famous one of Sir John
Strange:
Here lies an honest lawyer,
That is Strange!
A "happy conceit' it was doubtless
thought in 1910, to write over MEM
ber Of Parliament named White:
Here lies John, a burning, shining light,
Whose name, life, actions, all alike, were
White!
The following is by Swift on the Earl
of Kildare:
Who killed Kildare? Who dared Kildare
Death killed Kildare-who dare kill whom
he will.
Here are few miscellaneous exam
pies, the first on a Mr. Fish:
Worms are bait for fish, but here's a sud-
den change
Fish is bait for worms; is not that pass
ing strange?
On William Button, In a churchyard
near Sanbury:
O. sun, moon, stars, and We celestial poles!
Are graves, then. dwindled into Button
holes?
On Foote, the comedian:
Foote from his earthly state, alas! is
hurled
Death took him off, who took off all the
world.
Is the satire in the following examples
Intentional?
Maria Brown, wife of Timothy Brown
aged so years. She lived with her husband
for fifty years, and died in the confidential
hope of a better life.
Here lies Bernard Lightfoot who was
accidentally killed In the fOrty-fifth year
of his age. This monument was erected bv