The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1896-08-08
CONFESSION OF A PIE EATER.
Vow He Became Slave and Same pies
he Has Met.

to be but proper that admit that have
always been slave of the SO called per-
| nici0us pie habit. l cannot relnernber how
| long ago l ate my first piece of r,ie nor
can ! state with any degree of accuracy
the date upon which I surrendered NV
manhood or rather childhood and willing
ly thrust my neck into the yoke which still
encrcles it. But l will admit that the
taste is not an acquired one with mo. as I
enjoyed my first piece Of pie quite as keen
" as did Tire last wedge, which is still
gyra+ing madl5 within me undigested and
measuring itself, SO to speak, against nv
| gastric meter.
When I was a small boy, could never
quite understand why the pie, which was
| the best part of the dinner, should always
come on last when every one's appetite
was satisfied. 1t seemed tn mo that the pie
| should come first. TheBs it often struck
me that if the pie were to lead the meal all
| interest would cease with the last mouth
| full, whereas if entered as the epilogue of
the prandial drama the other parts, from
the very ring Of the bell, would bristle
with the barbed wire Or epicrrean interest
Again, often maryeled in vain at the
| idea Of having fish dinner and not a pie
dinner. 1t seemed TO me paradox that
defed explanation. l never knew and do
not know until this day which kind of pie
is nay favorite because like each and ey-
cry kind, with or without cheese, although
eaten with fork, q spoon or au naturel
out Of the hand. Some PHILOSOPHER has
called the uncovered or decoilete pie-that
is, the one which is exposed to the LIGHT
and the critical naked eye-the open faced
pie. This, of course, refers to those speci-
mems which represent the custard, the
cocoanut and the pumpkin, which do not
wear vests or chest protectors of crust
The pie that has an upper crust should
be called a hunting case pie, willie the
cranberry, having strips Of crust running
over its roof in regular latticework Of
suspenders, should be regarded as striped
pie for the English and plaid pie for the
Scotch I cannot help recalling an idea
that occurred to me when I WAS q little
boy about eight or ten hands high. Il was
q curious idea relating to the suspenders of
the cranberry pie In this interroeatory
form: Are the suspenders to keep .the cresi-
berries in the pie, and If SO are they but
toned 10 the under edge OF the plate, like
an all wool theatrical ocean, OF are they
fastened down with glueg
The Washington pie liked from pure
~ patriotic impulse, although the slices of
apple were Embedded in the foundation of
dough after the manner of cobblestones,
until they seemed, from the regularity Of
their upturned edges, like the bay of Ma
pies as II appears. wind dimpled, in a COT
fee chrome.
Hitting the pie ard hitting the pipe are
both habits which hold one with an iron
grip Since the day I fell have been
willing vassal Of the insidious destroyer
and have made study of pie and pie poi
soning in all its ramiAcations.
The great, thick country pie, whether
round or 'oblong, Is the ideal pie Of the
heart, and when the poets fingers are fold
ed over the arc of circle he acknowledges
wiki outspread wings that even if lost in
the great Sahara desert be would sigh, not
SO much for the crystal spring as for the
great American "desserb, and if suddenly
possessed of some Of the latter would &C
knowledge himself vassai melting in the
vassiine OF inefable ecstasy. Take one Of
these small Urban pies which are nodded
and turned out by 'the thousand like cheap
watches, and the chances are that you will
not want TO take another seriously il at ALL
Ths only advantage this small pie has is
that ii may be held la the hand like a
quoih, thai 1t doesn't oo1e, drip or 6isin-
tegrate. and thab it Is in d certain sense
anaiseptio. In one Of these stem winding
pies death turks even when its true ohar.
acsey is hidden fr1m fs,e raiasS's eve Nv the
cunning artifaosv beneath syhnse {o,,eb the
n,erinnsse conceit euicaens and blossoros
In t,,fnite bea,,ty. ''-'
Give me Tin, old. honest hon,e,v farm.
house Die, With no ots,ar oyna,nerfati .
than few rude and ungtudied FORK ABS
in its ecru breagb TO rpsye,t he 1n ,s It's
wind. And give me n,enty Of It andsl I
supply me With plenty Of elbow room and
a large. imperial. nickel plated IN anne
tte, that / NAV do the gdish iugtsna and
show nv fso,reciation with thu arsso, If y
pstris,a hef,alse bic is an Amerioas, ,,,st,-
tution uyop which the Amsriean e eaeae
stands In hearsfeit Dri6e as n to rna.rteJ,,
the tradislnrs Of ipderendence ana 10 bnrl
ooutp,r,efv INK, tAe 4aJse face Of tf,a ;nvad-
ear aus The oiAy old Is not inspirspo, in, a
strict sause. III Is. SO to sneak. alien and
exosaa. esi,so,iaily when eaten ae,asnst, time
at the MONDAY hour, Ter then the eater
Glands r,yny, M asesnA and eats II, Oh erreat .