The Press., 1896-01-09

THE INEVITABLE QUEsTIoN.-A young man with snub-nose and d firm-set jaw, was making inquiries about trains at the New York and New Haven depot when a man behind the window suddenly asked:
 "Didnt you come in this morning ?'
 "Yes"
 "With young woman?"
 "Yes."
 II thought so. took you for a bridal couple"
 'Yes, so we were."
 Are you going back alone ?"
 "Thats what's the matter. We were married day before yesterday and came here on tour. She was all right when we got here, but in about an hour we had fuss. She wanted diamond ring, and wouldn't buy 1t. Diamonds Just think acres of land, and expect to have to live on beans for the next six months to pull through"
 And where Is she now?"
 "Over at the hotel. 1 left her money to pay her bill and get home, and she can stay or come. Better have this thing de- cided at the start, you know. Some folks are built to wear diamonds, and some to eat johnny cake. Pm d johnny cakist. | There's my train. If she comes in to take the next just see her aboard, but don't encourage her any. It's a row to see who shall boss, and the best man is gong 10 win. ."~- Detr0it Free Press | AN OLD SOLDIERS RECOMMENDATION - l h the late war l was a soldier in the l First Maryland Volunteers, Company G. | During my term of service contracted chronic diarrhPa. Since then l have used great amount of medicine, but when found any that would give me re- lief it would injur- my stomach, until Chamberlin's Collie. Cholera and Diarr- hPa Remedy was brought to my notice 1 used it and will say it is the only remedy that gave me permanent relief and no bad results follow. l take pleas ure in recommending this preparation to all of my old comrades, who, while giv- l ing their services to their country, con- tracted this dreadful disease as 1 did, from eating unwholesome and uncoOked 1 food. Yours truly, A. E. BENDING, Hal sny, Oregon. For sale by w. w. La thrOp, Stafford Springs; c. l.. Phillips, South Coventry.
 A clergyman was very anxious to in- troduce some hymn books into the church, and arranged with his clerk that the latter was to give out the notice inn medately after the sermon. The clerk , however, had 6 notice of his own to give out with reference to the baptism of in- 'ants. Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he arose and announced. "All | those who have children whom they wish to have baptized please send their names at once to the clerk" The clergyman, who was stone deaf, assumed that the clerk was giving out the hymn hook notice, and immediately arose and said :: And l should say, for the benefit of those who haven't any, that they may be obtained at the vestry any day from 8 to4 o'clock the ordinary little ones at one shilling each, and special ones with red backs at one shilling and four pence. "-C Christian Ad0ocate."
 | Some time ago Mir. Simon Goldbaum, of San Luis Key, Cal, was troubled with a lame back and rheumatism. He used Chamberlain's Pain Balm and a prompt cure was effected. He says he has since advised many of his friends to try it and all who have done so speak highly of it. It is for sale by w. w. LathrOp, Stafford SrripOc q T. Dhi1linc SG0V1th TOTronfVXy
 "The Boston Home Journal" says that d very devout gentleman of that city, who teaches a Sunday school class of bootblacks and newsboys, recently under took to tell the story of Jacobs ladder. After he had graphically pictured the wandering of the patriarch, his dream in the eastern pasture and the ladder on which the angels were ascending and descending, be paused and said "Now, boys, if there is anything in this story that I have not yet explained, you may ask me any question you like and will answer it." Thereupon a little chap cried out Say Mir. Minister, did you say dem angels had wings?" Yes, my bOy," replied the doctor; "angels all ways have wings" "Well, den, if dey he'd wings, what for did they need ladders?"
 Good blood means good digestion and robust health. Hoods Sarsaparilla makes good blood.
 I have before me letter from Paris ian friend, 8 gentleman of some literary note in his own country, who informs me that he is learning English by the aid of a small textbook and dictionary, with out any other instructor and he adds |: In small time can learn so many Eng fish as think l will come to the America and go on the scaffold to lecture. D. Methodist Herald.
 No excuse for sleepless nights when you can procure the One Minute Cough Curo. This will relieve all annoyances, cures the most severe cough, and gives you rest and health. Can you afford to do without it? w. D. Heald, Stafford d Springs G. l.. Phillips, South Coventry.
 Fight hard against a nasty temper a spark may cause d confagration.