The Press., 1896-12-31
GEMS OF QUICK WIT.
HAPPY ANSWERS WORTHY OF 4
 PLACE IN LITERATURE.


 Old Witticlsms Which Arc as Good Today
 as When They Were First Put Forth.
 Law Courts and Prisoners Furnish a
 GOOdly Share.
 MT. Samuel Weller's memorable evi. dence at a certain breach of promise trial is probably a ''record4 for the greatest number of happy answers in the shortest time, but there arei authenti~ cated instances of actual utterances which certainly rival them in brilliance and appro oriateness. The law courts, as may be imagined, furnish their full quota, but many are, perforce, unappre- oiable by those unacquainted with the technicalities or the ''argot" of the fo- rum. Still. Lambs chaffing description of friends maiden brief as the first great cause least understood" is in- comprehersible enough, as is the quiet, acquiescent ''That is so my lord," of the barrister to whom an irate judge brains, MT. So-and-so." "l, myself, have two small manors, my lOrd," said very ill bred, pompous counsel, to il- lustrate g. question of property law. We all know that, MT. Kewsey," ob- served the judge with suavet courtesy, and a smile of delight ran round the assembled bar. Look at me, sir, and attend to what I shall ask you, thun- dered learned counsel whose unfortu- nate "homeliness'' of feature had gain ed him the sobriquet of the Yelled Prophet. ''This is an English court, '' rejoined the witness quietly, "and you have no right 10 impose torture before putting the question. "
 Prisoners, too, have fair proportion of ''happy answers credited to them. Of these perhaps the best known are that of man who when asked if he pleaded ''e,uilty or not guilty, Y replied that he couldn't say till he had heard the evidence, and the naive resi ponse of the prisoner to the usual question: before the sentence, Have you any thing to say, prisoner, before sentence is pro- nounced upon you?'' ''It's v4ry kind of your honor, and if it's quite agreeable to the court I should like tc( say Good evening. ' On one occasion. counsel in certain drainage case submitted that the plaintiffs, the Sewage I4ocalization company, had mo locus stap pdi' in this court. " "Heaven forbidp' VI Fas the fer. vent ejaculation of the 1earT8ed judge. Something akin to this was the answer of the judge when complaint was made that lucl1less process serve1 had been oOrOno11o6 %O cxUo1 o110xU tho writ hn had endeavored to serve. II hope, " said hif lordship travely, 'that the writ wae not made l:eturnable in this cd urt. "
 The "happy answers,' owing thei1 point to Biblical or ecclesias% %ical allu. sions, are still more numerous. but 1T many cases are somewhat too aUdaciout for print. 'He is 8 regular St. Paul was the final eulogy made by sGn enthu siastic friend of a certain needy clergy man whose chronic impecuniosity haC brought him into painfully frequent ia miliarity with the various processes O1 the law for the recovery of debts "Yes," said the bishop, whose assist ance was being solicited, "quite so. see-'in prisons oft!''' The pardonablt but injudicious enthusiasm of some cler gymen over their musical services has given rise to many smart sayings, whicl are, at any rate, ''ben trovato." None perhaps, i5 better than the familiar ont of the exasperated visitor who, after be ing made to listen in torment to Gre gorian chants cruelty murdered, wa! told that according to tradition those chants owed their origin to King Davit himself. The visitor, rendered reckless by his misery, retorted that lie had of ten wondered why Saul threw that jay elin at the royal psalmist, but he quite understood it now.
 A careWorn divine is reported to have said in reply to the ecstatic declaration of an intending Benedict that nothing in the world beats good wife," "Oh yes, bad husband often does, and vice versaP" One would like to have known the schoolgirl who, in reply tt her brothers jeers and inquiry, "Why girls should be always kissing each oth CT and men not?" said that, of course it was because girls had nothing better to kiss and men had-but perhaps sh' studied the question too deeply and de veloped into the fair cynic who, after { season or two of conquests, lgave-it a! her opinion that men were like colds very easy to catch and very hard to ge rid of. Few better things are recorded than the answer of Beaconsheld to thu question how he felt after the chang from the stormy scenes of the common to the serene atmosphere of the lords ''FeelP' answered the statesman 'c feel as though were dead and buried, , and then noticing for the first tim' that his questioner was peer, he add ed, with 8 charming smile and bow land among the blessed spirits of thu great and good This adroit recover from an unfortunate slip recalls the ia miliar story of the prince regent ant the officer of marines In those bray, old days of free drinking the empty bot ties which gathered apace were styleC marines, ' for what reason it is hart to say. The prince called to 8 servan and bade him "clear away those ma rines. An officer of that distinguished corps who was present resented the ob servation as being-to adopt the phrase ology of MT. Wel1er's mottle faced frient -"Persoral to the cloth," and request ed an explanation. My dear colonel, , said his royal highness, with winning courtesy, II called them marines be cause, like your fellows, they've don' their duty and are ready to do it again. 7 The apt replies in the language of com pliment claim 8 literature of their own but one must serve 'pour indiquer le autres. " "We shall never forget you, said a queen of society to one of he; subjects who was making his adieus "Your ladyship has now given me. thu