The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1896-03-06
EVERYTHING GOES.
ANovcl sclicm me Being Carried OH
in this City,
WHICH SHOWS TIE SPIRIT
OF ,h.. Very Prartieai Age-Ths "coaia
In,talimsnt Company and the Tomb
stone Tra.t,r Successor In Measure to
the Old consolidated Hair OH Trust"
How conln May Serve In the Economy
oftho Household.

There are many curious things In this
world. and man preparing himself for
the inevitable summons that he can
never odge-death-whIic he is yet en-
Joying fairly good health, Is, perhaps,
one Of tho most unique. Yet, when
looked at from a unitarian standpoint
II appears both proper and perspica-
clous.
Only few weeks ago man employ
ed at one OF the mills In Pittsburgh
closed contract with an undertaken
for his decent burial. The workman
was without relatives or friends, and he
dreaded being suddenly left ON the
hands" OF Indifferent acquaintances.
He selected his grave, his collin, tomb
stone and made provision for so many
carriages for his funeral. Al Of these
arrangements he left with the under
tnker, and that night he slept peace
fully and sound. and content.
Then another case in point was Judge
Thompson, OF this state, who has ORDER
ed his coffin, although he. ut present,
presents no alarming indications OF
physical decay or mortuary symptoms.
The only thing that one can gather
from these cases Is the desire OF man TO
be prepared for the worst-that hour OF
the night when the thief comes. ana
when none knows his approach.
This leads to what is going on in this
city. and when the facts are fully d.
Yulgcd many will be lstonlshcd. and
that is nothing more than the Coffin In
stnllment Company and Tombstone
Trust. Such n company operates In
this city. although Its work is secret
and its success Is very meagcr. for the
reason that most people do not care to
anticipate that which they dread.
The gentleman who is carrying ON
this business was met by an Intelligent
Ger grave-digger yesterday. and asked
what suggested the scheme to him.
why, nothing easier in the world.
You remember l was once engaged in
an enterprise here some years ago, call
ed the Consolidated Hair OIL Trust.
Well that scheme came to grief very
suddenly. and after our remaining as
sets had been dlsslpatcd In few bottles
OF Mum. the pertinent question arose
what shall We do ne%t?' II was =
poser for a while. Finally some bright
mind In the party suggested the collin
inStaliment scheme"
But, what Is the scheme OF this grue-
some business How can you make
business In such a line as that?" asked
the sexton who takes charge OF the In
telllgencer's graveyard, where are
buried many heroes who sought TO nm
nihilate the editor
Easy as rolling of log. Every
thing has to be done In very delicate
manner. Now you buy a coffin on the
installment plan"
"Oh. but won't" remarked the Intel
lIgencer reported. with deprecatory
wave OF his lead pencil hand.
Look here. ] am just supposing'
Take It for granted you buy n coffin on
the Installment plan with our company.
Il is delivered to you right away. Now
look at the uses TO which you can put II
while you live. In summer YOU can
either use It for clothes chest to put
away your winter wear: or. you can use
Il for n refrigerator. II you are pro-
vided with those household convent
ences, you can use II for a bookcase.
Then you can take the silver plate that
goes with every casket and utilize II as
a door-plate. making you the envy OF
all your nelghbors."
"Do you mean 10 tell me. you advance
agent OF cerementll robes. that you
have done any business here In that
llne?"
Sure"
The tombstones? They are disposed
OF In the same manner.
And there are others