The San Francisco call., 1896-06-28

The evolution OF the modern cumula-
tive newspaper story is easy. ALI that is
necessary is unit of any sort, an air OF
plausibility and rudimentary knowledge
of the multiplication table. For instance,
a man eats one and three-fourths pounds
of solid matter for lunch and drinks one
fourth of pound of liquids. There is
nothing unusual about that; but suppose
he should lay inside of his stomach one
years provisions at one meal? Of course,
he could not do that, but it is easy for q
space-writer to assume that there is some
where gentleman with insides of indefi-
mite elasticity and expansive ability and
then the story is made. The process is
represented By this mathematical formula
Two pounds 8 (meals) 365 days
equals years supply.
1t then easily appears that the man has
consumed, all at one sitting, 2190 pounds
of food and drink, or little over one ton.
Naturally the public smiles at one mans
exploits, but when it appears that some
anonymous scientist has discovered fluid
which will make all men equally elastic
and the possibilities for San Francisco,
for instance, run like this:
AS / man is to 320, 900 so are 2190 pounds
eaten by 1 man at l meal to 710, 800, coo
pounds eaten by San Francisco at break
fast
The enraptured public having followed
this story through to this bewiIdering re-
suit, sympathizes unanimously with the
coarse male voice which breaks in at this
point, saying:
"Wen, I'll be -; what will these news
paper fellows get next TO fill up with2"
The truth is that the cumulative freak
story writer" has been too modest hereto
fore. He has fondly ratified the chinks in
his pocket on the basis of local calcula-
ion. He has per mitted some "pent-up
Utica" to restrain his powers, regardless
of the true statement of the poet that "tne
whole boundless universe is ours" What
the public want is the best and most COM
prehensive. 1t does well enough to esti-
mate how far the elbows of all the hand
organ grinders of San Francisco travel in
year or lifetime; possibly well enough
to give us the facts possessing intrinsic in
terest concerning the cumulative energy
of all the boys who "shoot craps"
around Lotta's fountain; not neces-
sarily bad to inform US with what
a resounding thwack some mythical horse
on the "bob-car" street lines could knock
the driver from the platform If all the
power wasted by other horses around town
in the brushing away of flies were concen.
trated in one blow to be dealt by his tail
at the unlucKy driver. These are live
topics, the lack of due discussion of which
would hurt; but the fact is that the field is
not wide enough.
Hark to the tramp of the multitudes in all
climes and all countries! Their rhythmic
footballs truly "echo around the globe"
BY tens of thousands and millions, the
cadence never ceasing, as the sun alter
nately shines on one part or another of
the earth's pleasing circumference this
muititudinous army marches forever.
ToddliDg with feeble steps from the
cradle; running with nlmble feet toward
the schoolhouse; walking with dignifed
tread to the academic stage; firmly press
ing the earth in the advance toward ma
turity; poised and equable in the days
when silver hairs are multiplied; sadate
and slow, with hating football toward the
setting sun.
The measured step of millions of SOL
diers; the airy ascent of millions of sail
ors aloft in the rigging; the dizzy whirling
OF the walters; the ponderous conclusion
OF the policemen's feet upon the pave
ment; the uncertain passage of the inebri-
ates; the shutting gait of the professional
tramps; the weary mileage of millions of