The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1896-02-09
SIR ,EMaYs ACTOR.
Ho liked Congressman Crowley, but Couit
Not Underst..nd Ills Metaphor.

Ho Liked Congressman Crowley, but Could
Not Understand His Metaphor.
Howas rs co:pulent as an exclamation
point, and lie had sort Of tongue tiod
walk, reminding ono of bad case of
locoinotor ataXia. His asbestus tinted
fri2=es were parted amidships, like my
lady's well groomed Yorkshire terrier.
and his larboard eyebrow executed n st.
Vitus' dance in IN effort to retain n
stranglo hold on tho monocle screwed
in his eye.
Ho was ono of Sir Henry IS actors. and
together with Sir Henry had been SEQ
ing tho sights of Washington. Flo said:
"Ono of tho first mombnws 1 oncoun-
tawed, yer knaw, was a-aw-congress-
man from Texas, Neutrality-suspicious.
Miles Crowley. This Crowley, yer
knaw, avis a chawming fellow, but
didn't quite-aw-gwasps some of his
-aw-his metaphaw. When law
awsked him what tho average numbaw
of-aw-people killed per day in Texas,
numbaw negroes lynched, numbnw
white men shot for cheating at cuwds,
do you know what he actually said?
Why, said Crowley, that depends upon
the numbaw Of Queen Vic's subjects
there aw in Texas. Numbaw varies each
day. Going and coming all the time.
Now, you, faw instance, wouldn't last
10 minutes in Texas, unless you switched
yaw doilect, got yaw hair cut, and blew
that bum looking roof yaw wearing
1.-THE ideawl Switching doilect and
blowing roofl I awsked him to explain,
you knaw, and he told me that 1 would
have to have laparotomy performed on
my head before I saw jaowke or a
gag, dawnt yer know. PawsitivIey, yer
knaw, Congressman Crowley is simply
-aw-simply exoruciating, yer knaw
-aw. Crowley, was told, yer knaw-
aw-was quite ffghtaw in Texas, and
1 awsked him about it.
Yes, quite wight, yer knaw,' said
Crowley. 'Daown in our country our
motto is, ''The shooting iron is mightiaw
than the sword, and the boxing glove is
mightiaw than the pen-aw." It was
till Govnaw Culbawson gave the Cav
bett and Fitz the fwappe, yer knaw.' -"
"Confound such metaphaw. What does
fwappe mean? nevaw will learn this
Amewican slang, yer knaw, aw.
Look heaw. living. said Crowley
-he flattawed me by comparing me to
the govnaw, Sir 'Enry-'you didn't
know I came from Bawston, good old
Irish Bawston stock. was Dawn under
tho shadow Of Bawston Hill monument,
but got the hot foot, yer knaw. Screw
ed my nut, yer knaw.'
Such expressions, aw, as screw nv
nut and got the hot foot were con.
founded cleavaw, suppose. but blow
me if I could comprehend them, yer
knaw, aw.
Then, yer knaw, 1 awsked2 Mr..
Crowley abaout his carly days at school
in Bawston. and he astonished me by
telling me as 'ow he went through Haw-
vawd, aw. 'Ow I happened to 90
through Hawvawd, yer knaw, was like
this: A friend Of the family, yer knaw,
was janitaw Of the college, and he took
me through
Some Of Crowley's friends were
standing about. yer knaw, and bloimo
me If they all didn't give me an awful
lawf, yer knaw. aw. Oh couldn t see ex-
actly whaw the lawf came in. We went
into pub neaw the theataw, and Mr..
Crowley recommended some 'awf and
'awf. The 'awf and 'awf was tip top,
yer knaw. and I awsked the bawtendaw
if it was imported.
" It's from Jersey-Newark, New
Jersey, said the bawtendaw.
Then it's imported if it's from
New Jersey, said Mr.. Crowley. and
they all lawfed again, though 1 couldn't
see where the laWf came in, yer kpaw
-aw. but Congressman Crowley is a
moline of Inflammation, and it was from
him, yer knaw, that faound whoi it is
that Cleveland issued his Venezuelan
papaw. Cleveland is kind of spawt in
his woi, and he loikes to sec spawning
people enjoy themselves. By favawing
Venezuelaw he can get all he wants, yer
knaw, from Cwespo. And what he
wants, yer knaw, is for Cwespo TO pawss
bill permitting pwize foighting. This
will give the foighters, yer knaw,
chawnce to pull off q mill, and the poll
ticians of the StOites can no longer make
political capital aout of the foighters.
Every spawt i'll the Stoites will give
Grover his suppawt if the Venezuelan
question is decided in favaw of Amer
icaw, said Mr.. Crowley, yer knaw!
when 1 told Congressman Harry
Minaw, whom / knaw, yer knaw, in o
theatrical woi, what Mr.. Crowley had
impawted to me, what do you suppaowse
Minaw said?
Ho lawfcd hawtily, aud said as 'ow
Crowley had been a-joshing Of me.
Now, bloime me, what does joshing
mean, yer knaw-aw?"- washington
Post
He Held tho Nredals