Birmingham age-herald., 1895-06-09
THE MAYOR OF THE CITY OF COULD

Originated in the village of Would, se- cluded spot remote from and unacquaint- ed with many of the conveniences and even necessities of this. an advanced and highly utilitarian age. In proof thereof, the sidewalks were unpaved, the darkness of night unredeemed by gas or electric light, locomotion achieved only by the aid of wagons, buggies, eques- trianism or pedestrianism. The people were not uncouth, but severely simple in ceremonial infections. and employed in the exchange of courtesies, wants and business relations the usus loquendi of the average village citizen With few exceptions they were thrifty. The pa triarch was a venerable man, who re- joiced, and his neighbors with him. in the cognomen Esquire Can Do. (This name Can" is possibly an abbrevia- tion and synonym of Khan or Klng) His immediate family were noted for or der, symmetry, precision, decision, pune tuality, industry and righteousness; forceful but rare combination in these days. His eldest son, the subject of this notice, was Yclept Will Do, and he H. frustrated his name in that he brought things to pass whether probable or inn probable. predicted or unforeseen. His eldest daughter dignified. exempliied and magnifed her name, Patience. His second daughter, EarneStine feminized from the DaSCuilile tNdTUtSlt largely to the manifold domesticities and comforts of the household. The premises were in accordance with the characteristics of the family, amply il- frustrating the maxims that cleanliness is next to Godliness," and that the hand of the diligent maketh rich.'
 Esquire Can Do had some relatives one a graceless nephew named Can't Do, another a reprobate kinsman named Won't Do both of whom. by negligence, sloth and vice in varied mien. brought ruin, confusion and disgrace upon their families. exemplifying the scriptual teaching that "He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind, and the fool shall be servant to the wise" for. in fact, one had to flee his country for his country's good. and the other be- came day laborer on the lands of his kinsman. Esquire Can Do.
 Another kinsman, who rejoiced in the characteristic name of Doless Donaught, married his cousin, Miss Darned Shant Slowcome, the euphonious Darnel probably attached to her prenomen from the skill acquired in that almost hopeless task of restoring the integrity of her daddys neither gear. The result of this union was son, who brought the gray hairs of his parents to shame, thus fulfilling the truth of that scripture which says: "He that begetteth fool doeth 1t to his sorrow, and the father of fool hath no joy"
 As to the subject of this notice, in early youth he exhibited many promis- ing traits, dutiful, truthful careful, thoughtful. industrious, in fact, even in his very early youth no negligence was ever prominently brought to view, ex- cept that he carried his pocket kerchief in rather undignified style, somewhat after the manner of the rudder of a merchant vessel or the propeller of a steamship. But it was thought, and the thought was father to the wish and the hope, that as he was very young and green he would outgrow the habit, which he did.
 While engaged in farm work for his father though rich, was very wise and therefore disciplined and indurated his son by we'll directed and reasonable G. e., seasoning) labor, he picked up and stored away for future use some very pithy apothegms, such as Now, if you're gwine to git thar, why. you must git up and git" and "A man cannot be much better than his surroundings" and Herd men with swine. and they will soon become hogs" and "He that marreth his youth will find ample re-