Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1895-10-07
JUST FOR FUN.

that is, not unless my husband has 1t.
Old Gentleman-My man, how did
you manage to guess my weight so
perfectly? Weigher-I useter weigh
hogs.
Mistress-Do you want to wear my
patience out, Mary? Servant would
prefer your silk, mum, if it's the same
to you.
The Would you forget me
if I should die? The Wife-No, not
entirely. I'd think Of you every time
Imade fire.
"Was it not disgraceful the way in
which Smiggs snored in church to-
day?o 'sI should think it was. Why,
he woke us ALL"
Green Gates-Is your son doing we'll
at college? Halsey Putnam-Not as
we'll as I expected; he is only playing
center field.
1t was the first time Johnny had ev-
er heard guinea hen. ooh, ma" he
shouted, "come and hear this chicken
a-windin' itself up"
stThat man causes me no end of an
noyance over a bill.' "Why don't
you sue him and collect lt?'' ''Collect
it? He's trying to do that"
The grocery salesman, having join
ed the church, asked the proprietor
to put some other clerk in the pure
II VIII
Casey-P'hat made Mulligan fall off
de ladder? Did his fut slip? ReilIey-
1t did not. Oh told him joke an hour
ago, an sure he just now tumbled.
He-And I will promise to let you
have your own way in everything.
She-Oh, I don't require that! He
You don't? She-I mean the promise.
"Fact is" said one man, 81 married
because I was so lonely, as much as
for any other reason. To put it terse-
ly, married for sympathy" 'You
have mine."
Mamma-Sally, if you had little
spunk you'd stand better in your class.
Do you know what spunk is? Sally
(moodily) I suppose it's the pastpart-
ciple of ''spank."
sYou haven't read my new book of
poems YETI" "No, I haven't. I've
just recovered from a severe illness,
and the doctor is very particular
about my health"
We may be sure that the bicycle is
a necessity and not a luxury, when we
are assured that fat persons use it to
make them lean and lean ones to
make them fat.
What has Mrs De Style done with
the money her uncle left her? She
did intend to build new house, but
see she has come out with new sleeves
in two dresses, instead.
They tell me that bicycle saves a
man money. Well, replied Whyk1ps,
thoughtfully, probably would never
have collected my accident insurance
if it hadn't been for one.
ssWhen we got to the house," said
the fireman, 1--WE found the piano
ablaze." "Did yon turn the hose on
it?' calais, no! You see had never
learned to play on the piano"
Jones' This chicken is fourteen
years old Smith-How can you tell
the age of chicken? Jones-By the
teeth. By the teeth! Chickens don't
have any teeth. Jones L have.
Young Husband = You never sug-
gest an economical idea. Young Wife
Yes, I do! 1 suggested that we
should buy pug to eat the scraps we
throw away, and you laughed at me.
Elder Berry-Dr Thirdly has prayed
for rain until he is completely discour-
aged Mrs. Berry-What is he going
to do about it? Elder Berry-Name an
early date for the Sunday school pic
mic.
Patient-How can I reduce weight?
Doctor-You should have something
to do. Something to keep your mind
busy, to worry you, even. Patient
By the way, you might send your last
months bill in.
A collector of old epitaphs furnish
es the following:
Mary Ann has gone to rest,
She ieteh now on Abraham's breast;
It's very nice for Mary Ann,
But tough on Father Abraham.
Down South lives gentleman who
owns a most remarkable COW. She |
looks like most ordinary black COW,
Of oil CHI hco