Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1895-01-25
HERE N THERE.

The bill which was introduced yester-
day to abolish the highly perfumed, ba-
cilli-laden, rim-tire cigarette, proves that
the spirit of patriotism which gave to the
world the declaration of independence,
the freedom of the slave, the worlds
fair and the wooden nutmeg is not dead.
In fact, l do not think of anything at
this time which will do more toward
patching up the spirit of patriotism, and
getting it a clean collar and a new,
striped shirt, than a p~re-concerted, pre-
arranged and determined assault upon
this great air-hole in the skating pond
of existence. Next to the democratic
party, the unloaded shotgun and the
gasoline a comes the common cigar
cite of commerce, in order of fatality.
Historically it is co-evaI with the dude,
the high, fin de steele collar. and the pin
head cap, which thrlves most luxuriantly
aboard the Pullman palace car. Often
times the cigarette is encountered in the
aisle of one IF these cars, surmounted
by the pin-head cap, with the dude and
the large, three~story collar in the back
ground. In the event of an encounter
like this, l always make it a point to
seek a sequestered spot upon the pilot or
the ~brake-beam, and wait patiently for
the tuberculosis germ to develop upon
the horizon, and call the dude to the
pearly gates, where the cigarette habit is
not allowed to prevail to any consider
able extent. Many people do not prop.
erly appreciate how greatly we are in
debted to the tuberculosis germ for it's
effective work in this line. It is the only
barrier which protects humanity from
extensive inrceds into society and poll
tics by a large number of men, who wear
cigarettes in their faces, during waking
hours. | shudder Tor the fate of civiliza-
ton should anything of a fatal nature
occur to the tuberculosis germ, and the.
cigarette smoker be allowed to reach ma
turlty and participate equally with men
in affairs of government.
In Olden times, tue cigarette was solely
a thing of the dim and nndeveloped
future. A careful research of ancient
and medieval history fails to reveal any
mention of it. But with the higher civ
llization of this late day it sprarg into
being like the p%olly-wog or the toadstool.
It came along witt the democratic party,
the anarchist, the gas pipe and appen-
dicites. Since the democratic admins
tration and the generous development of
the Russian cactus, however, the cigar
cite has obtained a much more frmer
foothold than ever before and has thrived
along with the coro ner's inquest and the
undertaking business. OF late, maov
efforts have been made to subdue the
cigarette, as it were, and prevent It's
further spread, and this Is being bitterly
resisted by the glue factories, tanneries,
slaughter houses and insane asylums.
The cigarette is contagious by nature,
embodying the inofensive, harmless and
unsuspicious external appearance of the
green goods man with the rapid and de-
pressing fatality Of the cholera m1crobe.
In its raw state it is not violent, but
when disturbed it emits a depressing
odor which is destructive of confidence
and resembles largely the decayed cab
bage or the delayed funeral. I do not
know OF anything which tends so much
to melancholy and a tickle, untrust-
worthy stomach as the unrestrained per.
fume Of a cigarette when in full bloom
and violent eruption. Whenever some
utter stranger discharges a large, un-
dllated mouthful of this impressive odor
into my face, 1 always feel that L must,
retire for a time and weep unrestrainedly
upon the broad bosom of the atmos-
phere.
There are many more statistics which
might be given, but as they are mostly
OF a melancholy and saddening charac-
ter, embodying hospital. insane asylum
and graveyard figures, I feel bound to
withhold them. But in the matter of
the plain, u%nvarnished and unadorned
cigarette, l hope it may be placed in the
same category with the governor of I'LL
nols' the toadstool and the foot ball
game, where it belongs.
@ The SPECTATOR.