The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1895-09-26
THE MISSIONARIES DISCOVERY.

THE MISSIONARIES DISCOVERY
or peach and honey joint, which could
reach before breakfast any day if I felt
so dispoged, as Sairey Camp might say.
But I cannot seem to combine old
peach, honey and business very we'll,
so I let the former elements entirely
alone.
The party at Newburyport wishes me
to write him and seems DESTROYS of hear
ing from me personally. He says, II
would like real we'll to crospond." But
he can't crospond with me- The ex-
change of civilities with those who are
sober occupies the bulk of my time. To
pause and keep liveried footmen wait
ing while I write long, spicy letter
worth $3.50 per column to an unknown
tank would be too obvious altogether.
At least think so now.
Where the Newburyport correspondent
errs is in permitting Jurisprudence to in
terfere with his drinking. The letter
certainly breathes a spirit of earnest
hospitality, but there are other spirits
also breathed in the letter, and there is
one page that looks as though he had
slept on it.
When he sees this today, he will be
glad and grateful that his name is not
printed in large gothic extended letters.
He asks if the practice Of cannibalism is
still going on in the wild islands of the
sea, and what about the Vegetarians of
China?
Cannibalism is still kept up by the
old f. F. ". S of the south sea islands,
but the younger set prefer soft shell
crabs. A man who was sent as mis-
sionary to the south sea island called
Broongling Kzztt-jjjizztt only q year
ago last April, and who was in my class
at Yale, but who was outclassed after
ward, wrote home that he one day last
autumn went on a picnic with a young
Bible class of his, and after the lunch
Of spoopju and lecture dates he strolled
away down the valley with a chief
named Uhli, who is as free from guile
or clothes as nations yet unborn.
Finally they came to great pile of
human bones, and near it was big sort
Of monument, with a strange inscription
ON it.
"Ahp said the missionary. '"This was
once great cemetery where Thousands
were left silent in death, with only
this tall stone to mark its site and the
vast ocean of whitening bones. What is
the meaning Of the inscri1 zion, Uhli?"
1.-THE white man with the weak brain,
who buys hooks instead Of whisky, is in
error, said Uhi. lit is not a cemetery.
1t is what you call a caffay"
Thus we see that along the borders Of
the enlightened twentieth century, and
where the fin de bicycle has not as yet
came, they still take cold haunch Of
missionary before retiring.
A little boy friend of mine once on q
wager made the following rhyme upon
the word Timbuctoo:
There are heather in every cline
Who eat their brethren one at a time,
And even here in Timbuctoo
They ate preacher and his hymnbook too.
One good thing about the Vegetarians
Of China is that their religious tenets
forbid the use of missionaries for "a
days out of each month. Some of the
Vegetarians do not eat animal food at
all, even butter and cheese, especially
cheese. Others are so strict that they
will not eat horse radish, but this is
ridiculous.
I think there is good deal of big.
otry in all religions except my own.
Once I knew Chinese Vegetarian in
Marysville, CAL, who would not eat
eggplant.
In America we belong to church, a
lodge and a political organization, and
as each has a different evening for its
meeting we have quite repertory Of
things to tell our wives when we get
home, but the Chinaman has no genius
in this way, doubtless because he does
not consider his wife worthy Of fairy
tale, for he combines his religion, secret
society and Tammany Hall in one big
organization, which requires him to as
sassinate those who disagree with him
and not eat gooseberries or other an