Eagle River review. [volume] (Eagle River, Wis.) 1890-1927, 1895-03-28
HUMOR OF TIE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Curious and Laughable Phases,
of Human Nature Graphically Por-
trayed by Eminent Word Artists OF
Our Own Day-A Budget of Fun.
Sprink1es of Spice.

Our Own Day-A Budget of Fun.
Sprink1es of Spice.
Jimson-"Now, you wouldn't marry
me, would you?'' Miss Sears-"Most
certainly not, but why do you ask such
question:" Jimpson-'Just to decide
a bet''-Kate Fields Washington.
Maud-"That Swattles girl is wildly
infatuated with her new chum, that
Molly Jamesby What does it mean,
wonder?" Madge-"It means that
Molly has brother. Chicago Record.
She--'I have been listening to an aw-
fully clever man for the past hour"
He-"rhen you may find me dull" She
Mot at all. One can't stand too much
OF that sort of thing, you know. Life.
Kicksy-'Wife, can you tell me why
l am like hen?" Mrs. Kicksy-"No.
dear, why is it?'' Kicksy-"Because I
can seldom find anything where L
laid it yesterday" -Philadelphia Rec
ord.
"What has Mrs. De Style done with
| the money her uncle left her?" ''She
! did intend to build house, but SEQ
| she has come out with new sleeves 1@
| two dresses, instead. Chicago Inter
! Ocean.
Jilson says he does not see why there
| should be any objection TO wemam
entering the legal profession. Nine out
Of every ten married men know wen
| hn, low Vol
! Courier.
First dog-What is that row down,
the aisle? Second dog-That's one of
Mulford's pups. He won his first prize
yesterday and his head has sWelled so
, they can't get his collar off.-Chicago
Mail.
"How Gid Ohltimer like the act of
the lion tamer?" asked the circus pro-
| prietor. Gle was bored to death. You
see he used to be the manager of an
opera company with three prima don
mas in t''-Washington Star.
Mistress-Why, Nettie, you are Il nice
| girl! What are you doing with two
sweethearts? Maid-O! please, ma'am,
have only one. The other only comes
when the one is i'll Or on furlough.--
EJeueste Nachrichten.
| At the Assizes: Judge-Have You
anything further to say? Prisoner
should only like to ask that the time
| occupied by cOunseIs speech for the
defense be deducted from my term of
imprisonment.-1l PopolO Romano.
''What is the correct form for the
| opening sentence of a marriage license
when an heiress captures an impover-
ished nobleman?" he asked. 'I give it
| up." she replied 'KnoW all men by
these cash presents. Chicago Post
81 am afraid" said the languishing
sentimentalist, ''that your being is not
attuned to welcome sweet spring once
| more" eyes it is" replied the prach-
cal man. Il took fifteen grains of qui-
nine this morning Washington Star
BILL Doolan's band has been cap
| tured in Oklahoma" remarked the
newspaper reader. ''You don't say so,''
replied the man who pretends to keep
posted, but doesn't What was Bills
band doing? Playing Sweet Marie|"
w aSnlnStOn star.
Merchant( to clerk applying for sit
! uation)-So you speak French and En-
| glish? Clerk-And Dutch into the bar
gain Merchant-We have no dealings
with Dutchmen; therefore / will take
one-third of your salary.-Plauder-
ecke.
Mr. Sharpp--If there were no woln-
en-, the men would have nothing 10
| laugh at. Mrs. Sharpp-If there We're
no women, the men wouldn't want
anything to laugh at. They would
not feel like laughing York.
Weekly.
Customer (tinlidly) --I--er-supposc
YOU have some-er- suitable book" for
a man about ter be married? Head
| clerk (promptly}-Yes. sir. Here Ski;s-
giles. show this gcntlman our line OF
largest sized pocletb3o!ls.- Buffalo
! Courier.
At the Eairdrcsser's a barbcsa. If
| ter applying some sticking plaster to q
| cash made with the razor, prepared,
nothing daunted, to continue the opera
J ton. Customer only fight up to first
blood. The duel is at IN end, let rs,
shake haaGs-Il Motto per Rifere.
| Little Dot-'Uncle George says I'm
too loquacious. What does that.
| maan?" Mamma-"That means YOU
talk too much" Little Dot latter re-
! fiection)--''I s'pose big words was MACS
so folks could say mean things wi'fout,
hurtin' anybody's feelings. Good;
| News.
well. Mrs. Parslow. / suppose YOU
are doing as many other ladies do now
adays. taking lessons on a bicycle?'
s.No, Mr. Johnson, | am not. All the
| lessons / have had so far have been
| taken off the bicycle. but | hope soon to
take them on it, as you suggest"
per's Bazaar