Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-02-17
lie IS VERY ANGRY.
The Ground-HoS Is Weary Of Newspaper
Sarcasm and NOtOriety.
THAT OLD sUBJECT-wEATHER.
skater" Experience with Water
and Mud-The "At Homcs- Of the
Cboirs Enjoy Themselves.

Idicr's servant GirI-some Church
Cboirs Enjoy Themselves.
lave done before me from time imme-
norial. so now / turn 10 the weather
as topic Of conversation. 1t Is a sign
II desperation on my part and indicates
pauciiy OF ideas, but something has got
% be written. and know OF no more
appropriate subject. IT is not my purpose
20 crack a Joke at the expense OF that
much ridiculed quadruped, the ground-hog,
for he told me some days ago that un-
lko the biped mani he was tired of news
paper notoriety. Darn the luck" he said.
this thing Of rushing into print and
being the butt of everybody's satire is
getting tirssome, and it's got to be stop
ped. Id rather be n plain. everyday hog
With three or four twists in my tail than
submit 10 all these indignites. 1t all
comes from holding a public Office. Just
because I'm the Weather Bureau every
one thinks he's entitled to a whack at me.
That horrid little man, Bobbie Golden, OF
the State, even called me Sausage the
other day. Just because I'm commonly
known as 'Ground-Hog' He had the
decency to admit that everybody had
heard this joke except the people in Pc
tersburg. and apologies for 1t, but not
until he had sprung it on his victims"
In dulcet caressing tones / tried to
persuade the "varmint" that no one
wished to rub his fur the wrong way.
but he was bristlng with Indignation
and refused TO be comfortsd.
"Gol darn you newspaper-men," he said.
as he wiped his chin with an autumn
leaf, this thing has got 10 be stopped.
I'm going TO bury myself in Petersburg.
where | shall be free from sarcasm and
far from the madding crowds ignoble
strife-where nothing ever happens, and
where, according 10 a certain critic here.
the natives say 'hs wunk his alter ego
instead of he winked his other eye
I'm going to hide under a gas-lamp on
Sycamore street. and what I'll do for
the weather will be ID. ;. NJ. y. r,
which in the vernacular means ID
sight more than plenty Look out for
a blizzard" he concluded and then. to use
Il joke gotten of by Noah, he gave a
coquettish whsk Of his tale and went
INTO his hole, pulling said hole In with
him.
II is with fearful regret that I'm forced
TO admit that the hog has carried his
threats into execution. Some days ago ]
bought S. storm-Ovcrcoat 10 relieve
the pressure, for l felt that this-if any
thing in the world-would cause the wea-
ther 10 get warm, but even my strategy
failed.
Every night for the last week when 1
retired | have heard the dull thud OF the
railing thermometer and the rustling OF
the snownakes even as the wind in the
si!ken underskirts of a society-belle. NO
thing has been able TO thaw the concealed
marrow in my bones. and | am compelled
to drink "iire-water" incessantly IN order
TO keep warmth in myself. In the morn
ing. after the application OF my daily
cOrn-husk. ! ask our anable but unelu-
Gated femme de chambre. "Hows tho
wea ther?" and she invariably replies. IT'S
right cool to-day" Just as II we were en-
joying a balmy. sunshny spring season.
with the thermometer about 10 or 20 de-
grees in the shade. The weather never
gets cold with that girl; it's always
"cool." and az she trips out Of my room.
leaving the door aJar, she further con-
vince5 me That she believes the veruaI
season has come. But you can bet that
in our kitchen. where she regns rs
goddess among the frying pans and skill
lets, things are always kept Cosey and
warm. There she entertains her dusky
cavaliers. who have a habit Of becoming
enamOured of her every time the ther-
mometer falls AMI provisions get scarce.
And all that day, while the culinary re-
ception is being held, We wonder why
our coffee is so thin, And why the old
hare we bought had only two legs and
why the bosom OF our turkey seems to
have Sunker as though afflicted with
consumption. Sometimes methinks that
girl could tell, and then, when | reflect
upon the hard times. wish 1 was a nigger.
and a lazy Niger at that. On the days
when our cook and the femme de chambre
do have their "at-homes " we have other
visitors, for ofttimcs the loud. discordant
Odor OF the visiting tramp can be heard
at our back gate. They always want
luncheon with us. and OF late they
seem especially pleased with our cooking.
almost know them by their names now.
There's Dusty Rhodes, Hungry Pete. q.
Messy Glenn. Thirsty Ike, and Weary
Wiilie-all nice. talented men. with bound
less lack Of energy and an unlimited
acreage Of virgin soil OIL their corrugated
hides. They believe IN hospitality Gn the
passive voice.. and consider every mans
house their castle. ] have after much
serious consideration at last decided upon
a way of utilizing this floating population.
When they call to see me hereafter !
shall GieaYen pardon me for the trick)
give them my wifes biscuit 10 eat. All,
dear friends, charity begins at home these
blizzardy days-right in the Kitchens OF
our homes, whore the labor-despising
Ethiopian and the work-abhorring eau
casian fly for comfort. like the swallows
fitting to SUMMER clmes. when our dry
goods merchants announce their fall
stock.
Those who skate and I've Seen many
a man with skate on in the last lew
weeks unite with the coal-deaers in
saying that the weather Is fine, but I've
got another name Tor it and i use
forcib.e adjective to express my idea OF
IT, There's nobody within the precincts
Of this hamlet who would appreciate
skating more than ] do If 1t occurred in
June or July, but under the circumstances
lE perfectly willing to sit by the fire ana
let people tell me all about It, by this
means have just as much fun and don't
get my face chapped. once upon a time,
when l was whirling giddly on the steel
rollers, the ice and | parted, and l went
into watery grave, from which. how
ever | was subsequently resurrected as
some Of you doubtless observe. That
escapadc chilled my enthusiasm, and /
arose. that is crawled out, and went 10
my father. In the brief interval Of my
discomforture | went through three
stratums c'strata." l believe my friend
Cicero says)-lce, water and mud
l took IA good deal Of the water and
mud home as "A souvenir. Some days ago
| read an article by professional skater.
who gave his ideas as to the way OF pre-
venting so many drowning accidents du-
ring the skatorial season. He showed
how one could crawl out on the ice 10 the
person who had fallen IN. and likewise
advised all dcvotees OF the sport 10 carry
a large ball OF cord with them, so they
could utilize this in case of emergency.
Other practical suggestions followed. and
for q man who went skating with the
fixed idea Of falling in after one or two
rehearsals) the suggestions were fine. But
otherwise his scheme wasn't worth
continental. If he had said stay at
home" he would have given much wiser
advice and in far fewer words.
For my part. I'm frank 10 admit that
never did make a speciality OF piety. nor
have been on hand every time the doors
OF our church were opened; but. all the
same ] don't consider myself the worst
fellow In the world. The cheerful ring
of my 5-cent-plece can always be heard
when the basket for the reformation OF
the MISUNDERSTANDING cannibal is
handed around, and never have l been