The Newtown bee., 1895-06-28
A VAIL FROM MYTOWN.

Mr!Editor Now that the ''Gray's Plain''
 school war has 80 fur closed that it
 don't take up two or three colyums of
 your good paper and we don't have ehose
 interestin and amoosin studies of human
 natur, won't you spare a little space to
 our troubles over here in Mytown. Ye
 see, we are left without a minister. It
 don't make matters no better that it is
 our own fault. The words of the sheep
 song are true of us:
 ''We was a wandering sheep
 We did not love the told
 We would not heed the shepherds voice We would not be controlled"
 And the end ont is, he's gone to another field where 1 hope he won't find as frisky a flock as he did here in Mytown, an now we're beginnin to talk about pre- parin to make arrangements to com- mence to find another. Some of the prominent members of s'ciety, l and Dea Eyesek Wabble, and Squire Top crust and some others, don't think there's l no use into havln another. We are all edjucated and are powerful good readers and Dea Wabble he takes the Christian Herald, which it has Dr Talmage's ser mons in it, which they are good Sunday readin-instrucktive and entertainin. We could read them and the quire could sing their silo and quartos, so we could get along for Sundays. Then Squire
 Hardcase, he's a justice, he could splice up any of the young folks that wants to git married and there's two or three s'cieties that bury their members quite
 harnsom and stylish. don't see what
 we want minister for. But most of
 lem think we do, so they put in me and
 Dea Meeker as committal to go round
 and find out what sort of a man they
 wanted. And d. ye know there want
 the first human bein of lem all that
 knew what they wanted. They all knew
 what they didn't want eZackly. So says
 to Dea Meeker, says l, "Il jest put
 down list of the Don't wants," and
 send it to Editor Smith. He comes of a
 line of ministers and is kinder in that
 bizness hisself: mebbe he'll know some
 un that I'll sute us, or p'raps some of
 them Theologs over to New Haven will
 see THE BEE and be glad to come here
 for a while. Any one who can steer clear of the heft of these ssDon't wants" could get the place for at least three
 months at $500 8 year. l s'pose we
 shall see lem comin over Church Hill,
 singin "We're coming Father Abraham 30O,000 more'' and I wish lem joy of their job. Yours Respectiful-[E Elder
 Berry.
 Dea Pure Water doee'nt want minis ter who isn't an out and out Prohibition ist. We all know what a curse the liquor traffic is to this nation. Capt Biblows doesn't want to hear any rabid total abstinence fanatic preach temper ance or politics. Didn't St Paul say fuse a little wine for thy stomach?' P Miss Daughgyrelle (who has soul full of poetic emotions) doesn't want any hard dry doctrinai sermons. She likes little sermonettes on the beauties of Spring, the effects of mountain scenery and kindred topics.
 Mrs Cadahcut hopes we shan't get a man who is much of singer, Prof Belloe and the Misses Twag-to-kili-o can make all the noise one roof can bear. Esq Eupeck won't vote for any man that his wife and her mother don't like. His wife's mother was Duncaid and can trace her pedigree back IA generations to the great Rt Rev Duncaid of Goose boro, England. She knows what 8 ought to be. Miss Fin DeSiecle ] doesn't want minister who wears brown pantaloons or puts his hands in pockets. Black broadcloth and white l tie are the only things comme il faut for a minister, and clothes and manner go 8 l great way, especially ID Mytown.
 Young Gyral doesn't want to hear anything on popular sins or worldly | especially dancing. Go 1t l while you're young for when you get old rheumatic you can't. Judge Hard case don't want to hear holiness preach ed up. That's nothin but perfection and we aint none on us perfect, nor can't be, though we here in My town are as near to it as anybody. |
 MT Idem doesn't want to hear anything about backsliding. He hasn't backslid [ any for years. Stay at the foot and you | won't slip down MT Johnquille don't want man who is too inc to weed out a garden or hoe out tater patch. Old Mrs Kantakerous doesn't want minister