The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1895-08-10
THE OLD MAIDS CLUB.
Glover DrOlisries iu zangwilrs Book OF
That Name. rs brought Out By q Clog
,

Reviewer.
Mary Abott, In Times Herald.
The Old Maids club was started by a
beautiful girl. who did not wish to mar
ry the man she loved because by an
analytical and arithmetical process she
had figured that there were 5,9s9
chances out of 5000 against his loving
her. no matter what his protestations
might be. She received applications
from candidates for the club, all
through the book: and as no candidate
was eligible who was over %, was poor.
or had not refused at least one good
offer of marriage. the club remained
with only one member besides the
founder, and that member solved the
riddle of how to dissolve the organiza-
tion without hurting the founders feel
ing by marrying the founders rather,
And as each candidate related u most
ridiculous story when she was on trial
the book Is full OF fun. The best tale
Is, however. told by lover who dropped
accidentally from his pocket series OF
personals" for the "agony column"
of daily newspaper, beginning
Dearest. dearest. dearest" and signed
"Popsy." The lovers explanation of
his hereditary passion for sending
these things to the paper, and how he
came by it. is one Of the most amusing
things in purely comic literature. /
wonder il | can tell 1t concisely.
II
The lovers father. then. who was
poor and disinterested. had a passion
like a gamblers for inserting mysteri-
Gus words and sentences in the adver-
tisement columns Of the newspapers,
SO as to give food for speculation to a
whole people. He wrote polysyllablc
unintellig.bilities, like Paddlepintsphe-
rosedaddepoid. but although this was
an instantaneous success, 1t was only
a success d'estime. People talked of 1t,
but they could not remember 1t. 1t had
no seeds of permanence in 1t. 1t lacked
the simplicity of real greatness" So
the lovers father waited for something
immortal in the way of sound-some-
thing with an elemental cachet-to
come and be Invented. But 1t came
not. until one night, as he sat brooding
by his dying fire. sudden rapping at
his chamber door suggested to him the
word "Olctutu" The father filled the
newspapers. covered the billboards,
beggared himself in his eXtravagant en-
thusiaSn. The world was agog, fren-
zied with curiosity. At last he could
bear his secret no longer. and broke 1t
to a friend, Marpee by name, who, to
the fathers surprise, saw millions In
the scheme. For the father had no idea
Of anything but the ambition of holding
the key to an enigma which was baf-
fling millions Of people, and. as he said,
had achieved his end. Art for arts
sake-he had not worked for money"
But Marpee got up stock company.
got out prospectus which went into
a thirteenth edition before the public
saw 1t, and before 1t was decided what
"Olotutu" was to be.
1.-The actual nature Of 'Olotutu "
writes the lover in his explanatory let
ter, does not seem to have been settled
uItil the ninth edition, but all the edi-
tions include the analysts report GER
tifying that 'Olotutu contains no in
furious ingredients and Is far safer and
purer than any other there there was
a blank In the first eight editions In
the marketD From this Il is evident
that Marpee has made UP his mind to
something chemical. though 1t is equal
ly apparent that he kept an open mind
regarding its precise character. for in
the ninth edition the blank Is filed with
'purgative. in the tenth with meat ex-
tract i'm the eleventh with hair dye
in the twelfth with cod liver OIL and 1t
10 only in the thirteenth edition that the
final decision seems to have been ar
rived at In favor ,of Soap" "This, OF
course, my dear Sybil," the apologetic
lover goes on. "you already know. In
deed, II ] mistake not. 'OlOtutu. the
only absolutely scentless in the mar
ket, Is your pet soap. ] hope II will not
shock you too much If tell you in the
strickest confidence that except in price.
stamp and copious paper wrapping 'OlO-
tutu Is simply bars Of yellow soap
chopped small. My father so
unexpectedly enriched - married
Immediately. became the idol OF pop
ular constituency. and voting steadily
with his party became a baronet. I was
born few months after the first divi-
dend Of 80 per cent. was announced. .
Can you wonder. then. that I was
born with congenlal craving for
spriDging mysteries upon the public?
Complimentary to the series
of messages signed Popsy had pre-
pared cries signed 'Wopsy' to go In
an alternate days, and II you had only
continued your search In my coat pock-
te you would have discovered these
proofs Of my innocence"