Iowa state bystander. [volume] (Des Moines, Iowa) 1894-1916, 1895-08-30

Ing a depot, met an expressman COM
Ing out with dog under his arm. The
gentleman asked: Where is that dog
goingY' The expresSman sayageiy re-
piled: "You don't know where he's
going; don't know where he's going;
nobody knows where he's going he's
ate his tag!!'
He was a barber and he was enter
prising. He had noticed that the busi-
ness of his neighbor q shoemaker, had
largely increased since the latter had
put certain sign in his window. He
therefore thought it advisable to adapt
the notice to his own line of BUSINESS,
and presently he came out with a big
card on which was inscribed:
Shaving while you wait"
William NJ. Eyarts was going up
once in the elevator of the state de-
partment when it happened to be
loaded with an unusual number IL
strangers, presumably applicants for
ministerships and consulships. Turn
ing to a friend who accompanied him,
Evarts said: This is the largest coli
lection for foreign missions that
have seen taken up for some timer
Apropos OF boasters. Dean Hole tells
a story Of an acquaintance of his at
Oxford, who once wrote him note
beginning "My&Dear Countess and
then scratched out countess" substi-
tuting Hole" Whereupon the dean,
not to be outdone, began his reply MY
Dear Queen" and then drew his pen
through queen and substituted
Dick"
A youth to fortune and to fame un-
known sent Dumas the manuscript Of
a new play, asking the great dramatist
to become his collaborateur. Dumas
was for moment petrified. then he
seized his pen, and replied: tHow
dare you. sir, propose to yoke together
n horse and an ass?'' The author, by
return of post wrote: How dare you,
sir, call me horse?" Dumas by next
mail: Send me your play, my friend!'
A gentleman in Washington who has
for years made a practice Of gathering
personal anecdotes of veterans of the
war, both of the Northern and South
ern services, once asked a friend, who
had fought all through the war, Ii he
had ever killed man that he posi-
lively knew Of yes said he, re-
morsefully, zone. At Bull Run ran
at the first fire. A rebel chased me for
ten miles. and was then so exhausted
that he dropped dead"
A young reporter was sent out re-
Gently by the city editor of one of the
Rochester papers to report a meeting.
About two hours after the assignment
was made the young reporter returned
with a sad countenance. The city edi-
tor asked him. to get the report UP inn
mediately, as it was nearly time TO go
to press. There will net be any re-
port on that meeting" was the an
swer. "Why not?' queried the city
editor There was not any meeting"
replied the young reporter; 'sit broke
up in big row. and the chairman
was chucked under the table. =
A New York undertaken or funeral
director, as the reader may prefer, ad-
yertised for a driver for a hearse, and
among the applicants he secured a
good-looking, strong fellow, with 8
solemn countenanee, and took him into
his private office.
Before employing you. said the
undertaken, 81 want to know If you
have had any experience in this busi-
nesSl'
well. / never drove hearse," ad-
mitted the applicant, "but I've drove
the next thing to it. and guess / can
give you satisfaction"
How do you mean? | don't under
stand" and it was evident from the
undertaker's puzzled look that he was
speaking the truth.
Why" said the applicant, with con-
fidence, Il drove rapid delivery
wagon in Philadelphia for seven
years"
He got the job.
Jerome X. Jerome tells in his paper,
To-day, of giving a little dinner once
and discussing the matter Of wine
with the head waiter before the guests
arrived "Well," said the waited, IF
you take my advice, you will give
them very good champagne to start
with, let's say MouSseux Sec 1878, and
let that go round twice. After that,
sir-well--heres very good wine that
] always recommend, at 5 shillings the
bottle; and then. if i Were you, sir, I
would finish up with this" and he
pointed to a modest little brand at
three and six. 'tAnd don't you think" :"
Jarome said, sthat they will notice the
diffefence?" 'sLor' bless you, no. SIR
said the man; 1--WE generally do that
way / wouldn't undertake to tell the
difference myself between champagne
at sixteen shillings and champagne at
five after the first two glasses"
Once upon time the Clever Girl
and Young Apropos found themselves
ut a very stupid evening party. After
several minutes of boredom the Clever
Girl grew desperate. II tell you what
let's do" she said; .'you take one side
of the room and I'll take the other,
and Wen each see how many persons
certain topic without in any way ap-
pearing to drag in the topic" All
right" said Young Apropos; '.but what
shall the topic be?' ..Cockroaches," !"
said the Clever Girl. Straightway they
separated, and. she going on one side
of the room and he on the other. they
talked to as many persons as possible
upon cockroaches. Just before leave
taking time they met, and both agreed
that never had they had a more de-
iightful evening. As the Clever Girl
was driving home with her mother the
latter remarked: '0h, by the way,
Clara, do you happen to know II we
are troubled with ah---vermin- -or-ah
--cockroaches-or anything of that
sort!" No, mama: why do you aski.
innocently inquired the Clever Girl.
"Oh, nothing returned the mother;
s.only--it was very strange so many