Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-03-03


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whole difficulty. though. to b. hon...
DON'T claim any special knowi>,.se 49,
the abnormal excrcscences OF .ne,nIsns
bovincs. e'p'sht
"Enquirtng Rooster" OF Frsds,,o,.s
asks the following questions, ,va
which no living man could answer Ix
Is no possible means OF getting a, 80
information. so far as | know. bnt va'.
may try. 'SS
The Idle Reporter: "''
Dear Sr,-please tell me Cd uh, .. ,s
oldest woman In the United s,at.s, ~,
Who Is the Oldest in virginia3 ca y.r,s,
amman mas eight eyes, Yours In ths
darkness OF unmitigated ignorance &C.
Reply Of Query Editor'' stlIl mel u,
who Is the Oldest woman In the t,r,,s,
StatesT' Shucks. man. what do yo, ,.,S.
me for Thats a sacred secret. kSs .an,s
ballet girl C9 Write to the Socletv Co.
Preservation of Virginia AntlguitIsx =.
the Historical Society. % What .nlo,i
has eight eyes? Well that's ano.hs-
corker. I used to think Il was my schos,.
teacher. but never suspected for an In.
slant that IL was a policeman on dutv
The varmint In question, however. Ia no.
thing more or less than a spider Iu.,
how he winks "hs other eye" 0hix "al,..
ego" as you all say) is more than 1 can
tell. While discussing natural history lst
me excite your envy. The largest shsp.
fish known is the tridactua. He has threa
mouths. I'd Ike to be constructed sc.
cording to his style OF architecture when
I came to your town. for you people ara
nothing II not hospltable. Write 70 me
often. "Enquiring Rooster FOR love
your nation. THE IDLER.
A Northern Tourist" who vas much
touched by our beautiful city the didnt
see our mud. writes as follows:
rWhile I'm your town l visited a very
historic and ancient building called ~
Johns church. The colored gentleman
who drove my hack told me that a man
named Patrick Henry once remarked In
this building. Give me liberty or give
me death Which did Patrick Henry
get2"
query Editor (curtly): He got both.
My dear old friend. Infants Delight"
asks the following pathetic question.
which, sandwiched as Il ts between 10
many frivolous queries. almost looks Ike
unbecoming levity. Infants Delight" de-
sires to know:
Gould anything make a man smile just
after he found that Heaven had sent him
twins?"
,Editor) An! Inf, old man. ny heart
goes out In sorrow to your-I was about
TO say bereaved. but III change to bur
dened--famlly. | weep with you. Msiur-
tunes never come slngly, I've never
known but one man 10 smile In the face
OF such adversely. He had Just been the
recipient OF two OF these combination
calamities, and when ne took one OF his
other children up to see the brand-new
brats. the little one. after Inspecting the
rosy cherubs chats the poetic name for
them), asked: Papa. which one Is You
going TO drown?' The child thought mat
superfuities of that sort were dispensed
with iust like an oyer-allowance Of kit
tens. The remark brought a smile that
frightened the tear-stsined face OF tho
father.
political Maniac" OF the Buckingham
Granger Club. has propounded me qnes-
ton that would take weeks 10 answer
He desires TO know about several Official
matters which require careful considera-
ton. Here is his letter:
The Idle Reporter. care OF Chris E'en-
sen, Esq, &c:
Dear sir.-It has always been my ambi-
tion TO run FOR Governor Of Virginia.
and feeling that under the urgent persu9-
sions Of my friends | might some day
be forced TO accept the place I write
10 ask your views about T.. Please an-
swer the following questions:
O) What Is the salary?
(s) Are the duties onerous?
"a Are the people easy to satlsfy2
a. What are the office hoursf
tAnswer) You need not egltaie your
self about the details as yet. political
Maniac" for besides yourself there are
so 900 other men who likewise Wish they
could be Governor. and who feel confident
that they were born for the place Tho
average newspaper editor regards him
self as especially endowed 10 discharge
the duties OF the officen fact | have
the feeling myself sometimes if we could
I'LL the gubernatorlal chair half a. well
as we cen tell other men hox 10 DO Il
Virginia would grow to 10 a Garden Of
Eden and blossom lIke a rose.
In answer to your questions I'll say.
a. The Governors salary ls 5000.
t2) The duties differ mate rally from tha
occupation OF digging dirt. but the place
| Is not snap" and every dollar of tha
| salary IL earned. The great man who
| now holds the position deserves every
| cent he makes. and more besides.
90 Are the people easy 10 satisfy? \
sain- with his head wreathed In halos
| couldn't please them all. not even II out
| Of his own private resources he disir-
| buted greenbacks 10 his constituents.
| Some would kick because the money
| wasn't In gold: others would say it waa
| bribery and corruption. The newspaper
| men and myself would tell him how II
| ought TO b. distributed. and n he dlin't
| do II our way we'd say his administration
was subversive 90 every interest cf IN.
| Commonwealth. ] once knew paper 10
| raise a lugub-ious howl because our pres.
| ent Executive pardoned certain mah
| out OF the penitentiary. lnyestigr
| tion proved that the convict had the
/ finest petitions ever sent 60 the Gov.
| ernor's Office. and that clemency was re-
commended by hundreds OF the best citi-
| Zens IN his county. The editor didn't hap
| pen 10 bother about looking into details
| OF that sort. He took IL into hls head
that he knew more about Charles 7.
| OFerralrs business than Charles 7.
| OFerrall knew himself and before Ia
| got through he found -mirabile dictu-
that the Governor really possessed m.
| bulk OF the information. Stranger stiil.
| I've made mistakes myself. and yet feel
that ]. too. am qualified 10 tell Governor
how to steer the ship OF state "Poliuct
Maniac" don't you try TO be Governor.
We newspaper fellows will cook you
II you ever get the job.
In answer 20 your fourth question III
say: The Office hours are from A. u.
TO 3 Z. NJ. but people are mighty APT
TO be dropping into your mansion at an
times and smoking your cigars, and sit
ting In your pet chair. AMI telling yol
| their troubles as II you were a aniyersai
| panacea. political Maniac," you hai
better dig slate ~ those quarri's 10 IN
your county and not dream ~ bong
Cpvorrpr. THE IDLE REPORTER
1
sCUOOLFJELD IN NILLIirsBt nc.