The Universalist. [volume] (Chicago [Ill.]) 1884-1897, 1895-06-08

SG BILE, and when | do, l
like to have it all to my
self. I have it in my mind-if the
reader will permit the designation,
do not know what else to call ito
reform something. I think that
usually do feel like reforming some
thing or somebody-somebody else,
you Observation-Disclosures / am more
than usually dissatisfied with myself.
l do not know whether that is the
way with the average reformer or not.
But in the case of that somewhat un-
manageable, hard bitted, skittish fell
low, myself, whom understand, per-
haps, as little as / do anybody else
on this planet, do know that when
I am pretty well content withthe way
/ am going and doing, all the rest of
the world appears to be sitting in the
"front room," waiting for to cry,
"Come in!" the minute the millennium
knocks, which may be the very next.
But / am not in that happy frame
this week. Things have gone awry
with me. | discovered not less than
forty-eight hours ago that my favor
tie doll was stuffed with sawdust.
Then, through an unsupported hole
in my pocket, Ihad lost eight marbles
"a carnelian taw, four chinas, and
three white alleys. These may seem
small troubles to the philosopher.
but / am no philosopher; and these
disappointments and losses weigh
upon me just as heavily as the loss of
two or three of the saws by which he
supports existence would fall upon
the philosopher. I do not expect the
sympathy of the philosopher, any
how. I find that do not get along
very well with him. He takes life too
calmly; too placidly. None of these
things, or any other things, move
him. On my part, great many
things move me. 1 have been known
to slam door that would close itself
gently if left it alone. have been
heard to tramp up fight of stairs
that were heavily padded and car
peted for the express purpose of
muff1ing the football. l have an
swered my sister, the gentlest Great
ure in the world, speaking to her
across the dining table, in the tone OF
patriot standing on the courthouse
steps, declaring to his fellow citizens,
in far-sounding and mendacious
phrase, what he would do for them
in case he should be elected by their
enlightened suffrages. You see, l
am likely to boil over if | am left on
the fire too long. Taken off, | simmer
down quite rapidly. I confess my
self to be an Improbable servant, and
that | am not consumed is wonder
to me when / remember how many
times l have been hauled over the
Goals. / have admitted enough to
convince the reader that l do not pos
cess the philosophical temperament.
And now, having filed the greater
portion of the book with the preface,
let us pass on to the conclusion. In
this way we will omit the book entire
ly, which will be great relief to the
reader.
Will the schoolmaster please come
to the platform and remove his jack
ct? And the schoolmistress-will she
oblige me by taking her place at the
other end of the desk and holding
out her hand7 Palm upward, please.
That is correct. l hope it will not
hurt either of you very much, but you
must understand oh, l know you do,
/ have heard you say so a hundred
times-that the correction | am about
to administer is for your own good,
not for my pleasure. / assure you
l can prove it by your own testimony,
and / know it to be true-that this
will hurt me a great deal worse than
it will you. Oh, many, many, times
worse. Hold up your head, sir, and
do not wipe your eyes on your cuff in
that manner; l haven't touched you
yet. Listen to me, while l plat a
new cracker in the end of this whip
lash. If you pupils do not quit play
ing with my knout, fraying the lashes
of it to fringe, so that it is too limp
for any good when have occasion to
use it, l will make your parents pay
for new one.