The Portland daily press., 1895-05-22
A MINISTER'S YARN.

&uS lrOlu bllo pT0ebhlttSO tstDlO
eyes, deal" answered as resignedly
as could. When my wife says Robert
instead of Bob, I always resign myself tc
the inevitable. didn't know what the in
evitable was, but I knew that it was COM
ing.
1.-THE minister is coming to dinner to-
night, SO be sure to be home early and
don't make any engagement for this even
ing"
us he back?' L said, and 1 groaned,
not deep shuddering groan like those
you read about in detective stories, but a
restrained groan, what might be called a
dissembled groan The minister had been
away on vacation to the West Indies,
and as my wife did not like the imported
shepherd who had taken his place during
his absence I had been exempt from
"church service" Now he was back and
was coming to dinner. 1t was double
blow. No, triple blow, for had had a
half engagement with Jackson for that
evening which 1 would have to give up.
AS sorrowfully and with an angry heart I
pulled on my overcoat a thought struck
me-
"Shall bring home some one to balance
the table?' asked in my most winning
tone
"Why, yes said my wife, ''if you can
get Mr.. Wilson or Harry Brown"
My mind was made up. was fully re-
solved to balance the table, but not with
either of the gentlemen whom my wife
had named. No, would ask George Hop
kins. Now, 1 don't like George Hopkins
very well myself. He's good hearted boy
enough, but he makes the most out of
place remarks, has an overpowering love
for slang, and his grammar sometimes
would bring blush to the face of deck
hand on fresh water steamer. Still ]
thought he might counteract the presence
of the minister, for he has absolutely no
bump of veneration. Besides that he
looks down on all ministers and thinks
that when a man is totally incapable of
succeeding in business he takes to preach
ing the gospel. Yes, / would ask George
Hopkins.
secured him without telling who was
te be the other guest. I have since been
afraid that told him that 1 wanted him
to meet a young lady who was very anx-
ious to make his acquaintance. Well, If
there was any such young lady on earth,
did want him to meet her. but that had
nothing to do with my invitation to din
ner.
The evening did not open very auspi-
ciously for me. First, / got look of dis
gust from my wife when she heard whom
had brought home with me. Then re-
ceived the same kind of look from the
minister when he saw George Hopkins,
and its exact counterpart from George
Hopkins when he saw the minister. That
b y
and think we were all rather stiff dur
ing the first part of the meal. George Hop
kins' mercurial temperament was the first
to recover, and he opened on the minister
''Been to the West Indies haven't your"
he asked.
eyes" replied the minister.
Saw some pretty smooth things out
there, didn't you?''
II saw much that was interesting and
instructive" the minister answered.
"Well, you're in luck to get back safe
and sound, with both feet still holding on
to terra frma," said George Hopkins.
'IndeedP' said the minister
"You good men," George Hopkins went
on, Fought not to run around so much.
THE good die young, you know, SO the
odds against you are long enough anyway,
without giving the angel of death any ex-
ira shots at you"
"Indeed?'' said the minister.
By the way my wife was looking at me
knew that I was in for it now, and am
afraid that I winked at George Hopkins.
eyes, said George Hopkins, "time and
again I've Known Of men like you perish
ing when an average man-one like Bob
here, or myself-wouldh have been perfectly
safe just the other day heard of case.
A minister, one of the best men there ever
was, started for Europe. He got onto a
ship where the captain and crew and every
one on board were just acorkers Every
body swore and drank and gambled There
was forger, and a murderer, and mem
Der of congress among the passengers
Well, when the minister found out what
kind of a crowd he was in, he was all bro
ken up. From the very first he knew that
that ship would never reach port, and he
made up his mind to dying to rid the world
of that unrighteous crew. Then he sat
down and waited for the messenger that
was going to destroy them ALL The mes
senger came in the shape of big storm,
but luckily only one man was lost. That
man was the minister. "
"Indeed?" said the minister.
"Yes, sir, said George Hopkins, land
I know of another case where train was
wrecked. The first car was full of laborers
going to town to get drunk. That car
was knocked all to pieces, and the only
man in it who was hurt was good heart
ed preacher, who was trying to get those
men to save little of their money for
their wives and babies"
"Indeedg' said the minister.
"Then, again. said George Hopkins,
"there was steamer coming into the
dock the other day. There was one min
lister aboard and he had false teeth. By
actual count AZ other persons on that boat
had false teeth too. The boat struck the
dock with little jar and knocked the
minister false teeth down his throat, and
he choked to DEATH
"Indeedp' said the minister.
can't give all the stories that George
Hopkins todd our suffering pastor, while
my wife sat there in horror and in de-
light, but those are samples. He never
could have learned them all he must have
manufactured them as ,he went along. For
the first time in my life I looked upon
George Hopkins with undisguised admi-
ration. At last be paused. The minister
glanced at my wife and then at me, almost
apologetically.