The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1895-01-25
A NOVEL GUARANTEE.
A COMPANY THAT FURNISHES GER
TIFlCATES TO WOOERS.

A Boon to the Busy Man With Mar
riageabie Daughter-Rather One Sided,
as the Wife Is Not Bound-An Inter-
viewer of Whom Something Was Known.
Seeing the sign over the door, enter
ed. eff you wish to confer with the
president, sir, said the young man in
front, ''you will find him in his private
Office" and thanking him entered the
PEAR room, where a pleasant faced man
greeted me cordially.
Won't you be seated?" he said,
grasping me- by the hand. 'Is your
r-confidentiaI?''
''Not at all, I replied Gas I was
passing by thought 1 would stop i'll
and inquire into the nature and scope
of the Lovers Guarantee company,
which I see advertised SO extensively"
Certainly" he responded 81 shall
be only too glad to inform you what we
are hero for. The Lovers Guarantee
company was formed for the purpose of
securing good husbands to all maidens
matrimonielly inclined, and the great
success we have met with thus far
proves that there is an excellent reason
for our existence. The average man of
affairs has little time to look up the
character and antecedents of the young
fellow who applies for his daughters
hand. We look him up, and if he is sat
isfactory he gives us bond, which en-
titles him to q certificate guaranteeing
him to be all that he claims. This bond
may be good for five or ten years. A
mans financial status is of course easy
to determine, but it is into the finer at
tributes of character that we examine
particularly. Our certificate is an abso-
lutte guarantee Of the man. Of course
we have to be particular, for should the
wife at any time insist upon separa-
tion and show cause under the contract
we would have to pay all her legal ex-
penses and furnish her a new husband
Or make over to her certain payments. p"
''But suppose" said I, latter the
man is married off, there develops some
hidden trait, some idiosyncrasy that
causes unhSppiness, but not separation,
what do you do then?'
"Such cases." replied the president
of the Lovers Guarantee company, "are
rare, but of course they do occur In
case like this we examine into the cause
of the difficulty, and if the man be
wrong the fact that he is under bond
gives us power over him, and generally
we bring him to terms"
'But, said I, Suppose the woman
in the case is wrong?''
''This," explained the president sis
extremely unfortunate, as we have no
means of reaching her direct, having no
power over her. We can, however, ad-
wise the man what to do, generally with
most felicitous results. AS a rule, these
differences come from ignorance on both
sides. Where they are extreme and
separation is advisable we have in our
employ the best lawyers, and divorces
are obtained in the most private way.
eve have in our employ one of the
most eminent phrenologists in the eopn-
try, who examines the heads of all ap-
plicants. Our head physician, who gave
up a large practice to come with US, has
a growing staff of assistants, and these
look carefully into the physical condi-
: ton Of the applicants. You may depend
upon it that when an applicant has suc-
cessfully run the gantlet we lay out for
him he will make good husband. We
adyise all young married people to have
homes of their own, no matter how
humble, and have a home bureau through
which a member can obtain advice on
the most desirable way to live, the best
locations, q list of houses and apart
ments and the lowest rents. By this
means we are enabled to mako an ar
rangement with landlords so that our
patrons can obtain certain discounts and
privileges. Were you thinking-ahem
of entering upon the new life?'
ooh, no." replied modestly. 81 am
already married, and" added laugh
ingly, 81 don't suppose cases of this sort
como under your jurisdiction.
"Indeed they do, p" replied the presi,
dent of the Lovers Guarantee company.
eve have lately formed department
for the benefit Of married people and
find it to be great success. For small
sum yearly, i'll advance, we furnish Ia
dies with advice as to the proper man.
agement of husbands and direct them
how to act in special emergencies. For
instance, should husband be called
away too frequently at night 'on bust
ness, imbibe too freely-I may say this
is one of our greatest obstacles - OF
should he become i'll patured or non.
traotahla, we tell her what to do"
''Is this department secret?"
mot at all, " he responded Indeed
we invite publicity. Such is our repu-
tation that the mere fact made known
to a man that his name is on our books
will have tendency to bring him to
his senses.
"My dear sir" said warmly as /
rose to go, ''you are accomplishing a
great work, and l am glad l called in to
see you. " Then, thanking him, was
about to depart when he stopped me
courteously.
Excuse me. ." he said, ''but would
you mind giving me your name? al
ways like to take down the names of all
our friends "
't0ertaiply not, said 1. 81 would
just as soon as not, as it is just possible
may want to advise with you myself
later on. My name, sir, is Witherby." "
A bright and engaging smile came
over the face Of the president of the Low
ers' Guarantee company. "Ah, yes, in
deed, :" he exclaimed. 81. Scott Wither-
by, isn't it?"
That's IT." replied, dumfounded,