davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The morning times., 1895-08-04
sayers-thm that can tell ye about stars
and planets-told thin so"
Told who so, Mickey"

sayers-thim that can tell ye about stars
and planets-told thin So.'
Told who so, Mickey?"
The giver'mint.
"Ah, ha, that's the how of it, ehl Oh,
1 see, 1 see. Well, that's quare intirely
My heavy hand on thin, the dirty rogues -
Here Mr.. Finn, in a halo of tobacco
smoke ofthat excellent brand, Hod Carriers
Delight, lapsed into silence and cogitation.
| Then he resumed
And ifnO one ever saw the pole, Mickey,
how do thin soOthsayeTs know It's there?
Tell me that, now?"
why, father, have We no 'nolledge?
Thin wise min has instrumints, and they
took observations. &C.
"Thrue for We, / didn't think o. thatl
You're right, b'yl They musht observate,
or they wouldn't know. Usha, you're
right And did they observate the pole
was round OF square. Mickey"
well, ye see," replied Mickey, hesi-
tating, his scientific knowledge having
received a severe blow. ''Ye see, some o.
thin thinks j. round and some square, but
the most thinks its round, bekase tits
naCheral for pole to be round like fence
post or telegraph pole, dye mind"
AYE, faith 1 do, Mickey. 'Tis fine
thing to have 'nolledge, so 'tis. But tell
me this, me Lad, how long is the pole
intirely?"
IT'S jest tin thousand miles long,
fatehr"
"Arrah, look a that, now! Tin thousand
miIes Oh, myl Oh my! Sure l didn't
think twas that long, atall atalI."
"Usha, thin, you re not the only wan that
didn't think so, father. You see, this is the
how of it, raysoning by sayduction, as the
wise min say Ye muSht know that the
earth is eight thousand miles thick through
in the middle. If the wise men were sayin'
it they'd say dinamteT Of the globe, dye
understand? Am | maxim it plain to ye,
father?
Faith, We are ladl Haven't l ME swim
small sinses wild meI''
'Wen, thin. it's all the same as IL We
were shown hoe handle through head
o cabbage aud lawn "a thousand mile O.
handle stickin' out on aich side o. the
cabbage. The part that sticks out on
the wan side is the Dorth pole, and the
part that sticks out on the other side is
the south pole. Aud the whole world,
nanny and billy and all, whether We
believe it or no, is wherliDg around on
that big pile, thousand miles second,
like button Cd nail"
Dye tell me, Mickeyl and that's
what Silence taches, is It'll Bad luck TO
me, but I'd like to have the contract
for t be furneshiDg the axle erase at
raysonable price"
A host OF stars winked slyly down at
Mr.. Finn, as he slowly digested this
marvellous Irish hypothesis. He emerged
from his trance of increduIity and wonder
to inquire:
What is the pole made Of Mickey?"
w ell, there's some o. thin thinks
'tis made OF ice, bekase tits that cold at
The morning times., 1895-08-04

both inds of the pole that the ears of AN
iron dog would drop off if he left the
stove whiie 'Sescbe wiukiD. But If ye
were AKIN my opinion, as is Ignorant o.
siences but has . common sinse, I'd say
twas mace Of safe metal"
Safe metal, Is ii? I've seen iron and
brass aud steel, but divvil q wan O. me
ever heerd tefl o. safe metal. What is its
ike, Mickey?e z Cd -" '"l go f'"'
why father, it's the kind o. metal
they make safes ou It Of"
,, Dye tell me SO tavicl Aud what makes
ye think they made the axle of safe metal
aud not OF ice?"
''Bekase twould not melt by hate"
'Arrah, what uoDsinse is this ye're
sayin', Mickeyi Amt ye afther sayin'
The morning times., 1895-08-04

it's so cold at the north pole that the
tail w'ud be frozen off the goat if he didn't
put it In his pocket"
'"Troth, thin, | am, father. But, listen:
Whln ] open the flood-gates o ME claSsi-
callty III sweep ye away on the torrent
o my learned cloquince and"
ou re right, Mickey" interrupted
his father, admiringly. You wouldn't
be getting down on your hunkers
thaunches) TO AMY o. thin that has eddi-
cashun. Bat what was We tellin' me?''
Well resumed the youthful scientist,
with grin of self-apprcciatiop. ven
mind was telliu' ye that twas cold at the
The morning times., 1895-08-04

says that the Red Cross steamer, Portia
sailed TO Ielieve Leftenant Peary, who has
been lookin' for the North pole. Now,
what / want to know is, where is this pole
they're lookin' for and for why do they
want to find it?"
why, father, its in the north, to be
sure. Where would il be-"
Aye, TO be sure, sonny The North pole
musht be in the north; that mustn't be why
they call 1t the North pole. But what the
divil are they maxim sich fuss about it
for, 1 dunno?"
''Bekase they want to find it,
And who is it is sindin' all thin ships
fur TO be lookin' for it, Mickey"
The giveI mint Who else would be sch
gommoch (simpletom?"
True for ye, Mickey But did e'er q
man ever see this pole?"
'Divvil's the man ever saw hide nor hair
Of it, father
'AIrah, look at that nowl But, whis-
pei, Mickey; how do they know the pole is
there"
"FaiX, they dunno surely, father, only
they think 'tis there"
''Oh. they think tbs there, eh! Well,
what makes them think so?"
"A lot % thin crazy men-geoIOgers,
thin that knows all about tstones-ands Doth
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Kipling Tells 1t.

Here is story told of himself: One day
/ was sitting in my bachelor study in
London, when suddenly man appeared at
the door unanBouuced, followed by two
young ladies.
rs this Rudyard Kipling?" inquired the
gentleman.
p" les." | answered / turned around.
Girls, this is Rudyard Kipling."
And this is where you writer he con-
tinued.
Yes" l replied
Girls, this is where he writes"
And before l had time TO offer them
any tea said Mr.. Kipling, they were
gone, girls and all. | suppose they had all
literary London Ia do III that way."-BOok-
man
The morning times., 1895-08-04
No Show for Him

Friend of Author-I have brought you the
manuscript OF an interesting story by my
friend Yeranicc
Publisher-Who is he? Does anybody
know HIM?
Friend-He is not very extensively known,
bOt the story is a good one and Vcranice
Is deserving young man. His character
is irreproachable.
ublishcr-Then l don't think we can
do anything with it.
Friend-Norhing with il? Why, you haven't
looked at 1T yet What do you mean?
Publisber-If your friend had been mixed
up IN a scandal or two, had murdered his
grandmother or robbed his sisters baby, his
book might take. You see how it is. We
should like to accommodate you, but in the
present state o the pub bile mind really don't
see how we can.-EXchanEe.
The morning times., 1895-08-04

North Pole and the South Pole, but
didn't tell ye anything about the middle
O. the globe"
mo. ye did not, Mickey; and what is
it like?"
whisper, father; it's hotter down there
than the doorkrob o. tormint, so it's"
"God save us intirely, Mickeyr' ex-
claimed his father, crossing himself de-
voutly. "Ye don't mean t tell me-
II name t tell ye,' continued the boy,
in a hoarse whisper, that the pole goes
right through the bad place itself, and that
The morning times., 1895-08-04
READY TO HELP THE EPowERFUL.
So He Gave Levi =. Morton" Three
Dollars.

Dollars.
was sitUngi a railroad depot in Buffalo,
waiting for train, says a writer in the
Detroit Free Press, when a stranger ap-
preached me and said:
Its kinder queer how hard up the
best of US may get sometimes, en-
How do you mean" j asked.
Wall. l Just met the Governor OF New
York out here, Levi p. Morton, and he
asked me for the loan OF 50 -
You don't sayi''
That's what's the matter Had his
pocket picked and wanted To use 50 right
away He didn't know what TO do about
IL Til he saw me"
''You know him, them"
Never set eyes on him before to-day.
He jest picked me outer the crowd fur a
man who d do him favor. Heonly wanted
So but made him take S3. He'll send it
back IN a day or Two. Ever meet the Gov
ernor?"
I've seen him several times"
Wonder how he got his nose broke?"
His nose isn't broken. What sort OF a
man was the chap yOd lent money top
Red hdiT-Side yh-kers, broken nose,
and TWO teeth out IN 'front.'
Gov. Morton is no such looking man.
You have been Swindled by some sharper"
IL can I De. lie SdlO ne Was luc
Governor
Il might say the same thing "
And ne called me by name.'
80 can l. Your are James II. johnson.
There is your name on your satCheI Is the
man around here, do you hink?"
We went To the door Of the depot and
looked around and we went 10 the depot
officer and ne looked around, but the gov
enor''had vanished, as might have been
expected.
You ought TO have known better!'' ex-
claimed the officer after giving up the
search
How had ] orter known better" de-
manded the victim Didn't he pick me
out a. "a man who q do him a favor? Didn't
he praise my confidence in human naUur'
when / made him take S3!''
You'd better go and soak your head!"
What fur? What good VIII soaking my
head do?'
The officer turned away with a tired
look and the old man sat down and thought
ii all over ana then said 10 NE.
Yes, / guess I've bin swinded and I
guess I'm 10 blame fur il. It's good eX-
perience, though, ] felt so mighty proud
about lendIn' The Governor Of New York
50 hat If "A feller had come along and said
he was President OF the United States I'd
a-handrd him over my other 81 and walked
slxty-Jwo miles to git home"
The morning times., 1895-08-04
As 10 the Circus.

The circus side show is distiuctively an
American institution The first man to
run one was John Lewis, Of Circleville,
Ohio, and he made large fortune from it.
Circus men state that in no country on
earth do they do such a big business as in
America
Circus equestrians OF to-day cannot com
pare with those of fifty years ago. Our
gymnasts are better, however.
The first American circus worthy of the
name was created by Aaron Turner in the
early POS HewaS a shoemaker by ira de.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Considerable.
And now, my dear, let US decide on livery

Some years ago there was an outbreak
OF cholera i'll France, and Instructions
were forwarded to the mayor OF d GER
tain village to take all necessary precau-
tiOns, as the epidemic was rapidly spread
ing
at first our worthy magistrate did not
know what TO dO. After a while, how
ever, he reported that he was ready TO re-
ceive the dread visitor Upon inquiry being
made IT was discovered that by his orders
a sufficient humber OF graves had been dug
in the local cemetery to bury the entire
parish il required.-Nervion.
The morning times., 1895-08-04

cluded the imaginative geographer, 1.-The
Northwest passage to Agypt, that the
giver' mint has been Iookin' for so long,
will be open to the world o. commerce
and -"
The eminent raconteur was interrupted
by the strident voice of his mother, who
shouted from the kitchen:
Mickey, ye Spa,Speen, there's the billy
goat in the onion-bcdi Run and drive him
out before he spiles his breath, and stop
tellin' lies t. yer poor, ould father!"
ERNEST JARROLD
The morning times., 1895-08-04
The Plumber.

A lady signing herself Miss Idyller''
contributes the following poem on the
plumber:
Most modest OF men is the plumber;
No rival has he save the drumbar;
Tho the world e'er maligus,
Yet he never repigns,
And thriYetA IN winter and sumker.
Give him bJt an order TO plumb
And his bill straightway reaches a sumb
That depleUes your exchequer-
'Twould equip a three dequer-
And leaves you most awfUlly glumh.
--Gentlewuman
The morning times., 1895-08-04
4 Great PITY.

ITS n great pity said Mrs Hunni-
mUne, as she turned from the door with
a sigh Things do not seem to be evenly
regulated in this world?'
what's the maUter?' inquired her
husband
Il was thinking OF how nice it would be
if the berries we get were as fresh as the
men who sell them Exchange.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
illte's Cinch.

willie, Mrs, Dawson tells me that you
behaved very nicely atluncheon atherhouse
yesterday. Why can't you do that when
you're at home?"
Because, mamma, if l behaved ba div
there, Mrs. Dawson would send me home,
but you haven't any place to send me- -
Harper's Bazar
The morning times., 1895-08-04
4 CoaI Dealers Ton.

woman weighs half a ton" Thus
observes our friend, the Times erald, this
morning, in a headline and then it goes
on to tell about the death OF Philadelphia
woman, who - weighed nearly 500 pounds"
There is a suspicion that the telegraph
editor was formerly in the coal business.
-WoOnsocket Call
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Accounted For.

Here is some angel-food 1 made my
SELF she said. He paled. THANK you,
darling" he faltered, and partook That
night the painter dreamed, whereat he
rose and in feverish haste painted an art
poster which brought ST56. Then he kissed
his wife fondly, called her a brave little
woman, and wondered what he would
do without her-Detroit News-Tribune.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Another Custnmer Lost

Mrs De Painteur-This stuff WON'T do
at all, and yOu'H have to ia ke IT back It
doesn't harmonic with my complexion
New Assistant fCOnvincingly But, made
am, 1t harmOnized with the complexion you
had when you selected it.-Exchange-
The morning times., 1895-08-04
"The Unkindest Cut of All"

"Oh. madam, how pleased am to see you
again; it is four years since last we met"
And you knew me at Once?"
To be sure l did l should have known
that hat anywhere Exchange
The morning times., 1895-08-04
hat the Teacher Said.

''Pa. you going tohaveany girIvanized
iron on our new hOuse2"
ANY w-h-a-t?'-
ANY girlvanized iron"
"GalyaniZed, YOU mean. don't yOU7''
Yes, pa But teacher says we mustnE
say gal; it 5 girl Exchange.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Vinegar on Wounds.

Sister May think If you should pro-
pose to Grace she would accept you.
Brother Jack (eagerly)-Do you? Has
she said anything?
Sister May-No; butI know she was deeply
in love with Harry Max well and his en-
gagement has just been announced -
Brooklyn Life
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Hard to Believe.

There is 4 tomb in Westminster Abbey
on which is inscribed the Irishism that
the lady to whose memory IL was erected
never parted from her husband even in
his solitary mOments''-Tit-Bits
The morning times., 1895-08-04
For EncIand's Notice.

The English government in India collects
about $50 900 900 a year from the sale of
opium. This is an interesting fact in connec-
tion with the psychology OF recent argu-
ments by English statesmen that the
moderate consumption OF opium is good
for the health and raorals-EXchange
The morning times., 1895-08-04
ReasnnahIe nnnht

Il have kinder had my doubts.'' said
Mr. Jason, as he removed his Sunday
best suit after his visit 10 the city. Il
kinder have my doubts whether Brother
Bits son took me around and showed NE
the town or whether he showed the town
to me.'-InCiianapoIis Journal
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Extras.

Pelt-Isn't 81 day rather high for
hotel in the mountains?
Landlord-But, my dear sir, you should
think of the scenery
Van Pelt-How much do you charge for
that?-New York World
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Very Obedient.

A little girl was heard talking to her doll
whose arm had come Off, exposing the saw
dust Stuffing You dear, good, obedien6
dolly. knew had told you 10 chew Your
food fine, but didn't think you would chew
it so fine as that Exchange
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Another Power.

At midnight in his guarded tent
The Turk was dreaming of the hour
When Greece her knee in suppliance bent
Would tremble at his power.
And in his dreams the foeman fell
Before his blades fell stroke,
And everything had come his way
And then the baby woke.
Detroit Tribune.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
SymDatlly-

A mendicant approached a benevolent
looking old gentleman the other day and
said: Dear SIT: have lost my leg" To
which the benevoIent-Iouking gentleman re-
piled as he hurried away: My dear friend
am very sorry. but have not seen any
thing of it''-Tit-Bits
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Mrs. MalaprOD.

Mrs MaIaprop-Who are the two young
ladies playing that duet on the piano?
Herr Strawitzki-One is the daughter of
the hostess.
Mrs Malaprop-And pray who is her
cOmpLce?-EXchange
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Family Pride.

The little Boston boy was so plainly
pufred up with juvenile vanity that the
visitor noticed it.
Robert seems unusually proud to-day"
she said.
Yes" the fond mother ans wered. he
has on his first pair of spectacIes-'-Ex.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Answered.

How is it with that man?' shouted the
good clergyman, reaching a climax. And
the retired umpire, doing in the back pew,
started up suddenly and replied: safe
on third Albany Argus.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
DRnfnn.

Editor-you didn't do very good work on
the tenement-house roast.
Assistant-We had more names of victims
than any paper in town.
Editor-I know; but you left out the
standing editorial on THE Lesson of the
Fire New York World.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
\ short Pomb.

He learned to play tunes Oh a comb.
And became such a nuisance a. hOmb,
That ma spanked him. and then
'Will you do It again2''
And he Cheerfully answered her, '.Nomb.'' -
The morning times., 1895-08-04
UnconunernbIe.

Mrs. Jones-Charles has an unconquerabIe
spirit.
Mrs. Smith-Indeed?
Mrs. JOnes-Yes, he was two hours I'M
locking the front door early this morn
ing. Pick -Me-Up.
The morning times., 1895-08-04

Old Nick drives nails in it 10 hang his rakes
and pokers on. There, now, what dye
think o. that?'
$50 That's the how OF 1t, Mickey, is 1t?
Sure, L niver thought O. that, and twice
your agei Faith. 1 was thinldn' the bad
place was here in the shanty whin yer
mother got mad And now ye tell me
tits in the middle o. the earth! Well, if
that's the case it's aisy seein' why they
didn't make the pole out of ice. Begorra,
wonders'll niver cease, as the barkeeper
said said whin Tim Corln refused a
drink. And how long have they been
lookin' for the poIe?"
"Oh. for ages and ages" replied the
boy, with move Of the hand indicative
of infirity. Before wan-legged Cooney
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Around the Point

The law forbids the carrying OF CON
cealed weapons; still, no man carrying
home a pOcEetful uf pin-whreIs can be
arrested on the score of carrying concealed
revOlvers.-Ex
The morning times., 1895-08-04
He Knew.

Uncle John-Jinmie, If 1 were to take
81 and divide it INTO four quarters and give
a quarter to each of your brothers, what
would be left?
Jimmie-I would
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Cheaper

Tom-Are you going to the seashore this
summer, Dick?
Dick-Wcll, 1 don't know; it will be
cheaper to sit on my porch and see the
bloomer girls go by.-Louisville Courier
Journal
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Due Regard.

A sign in an American barrOom reads:
Gentlemen shooting at the ba Keeper
will please try to avoid hitting the mir
rors, which are the largest in the State
and a credit TO the toIn"-EX
The morning times., 1895-08-04
HE LIED TO HIS FATHER
Mickey Finn Says the North Pole
Is a Hoe Handle.
He Circles Round 1t on the Wings of
Fancy and Finally Pulls 1t Out
of Its Hole.
uWHAT,S this /

WHAT'S this l
hear about the
North pole Mick
ey?' said Michael
Finn to his son as
they sat on the
back stoop after
supper.
You have the
paper in hand
there, replied the
boy. "SuIe that'Il
tell we llaboutit "
"Yis, yis, L see, ~
replied the senior
Finn impatiently,
Shuf tha napar
The morning times., 1895-08-04
SDnGkRl

Weary Ives-I once asst a cop ter run me
in an he tainted dead away.
Dusty RhOdes-WHere wuz dat?
Weary deIphia.-Exchange
The morning times., 1895-08-04
nturaIInferency

DoHy-A dark cloud covered the moon.
BY that time my heart was in my throat.
PoIy-GraciOgsi How he must have
squeezed yOu!-JUdy
The morning times., 1895-08-04
The Hnrdest Par P1nr-

His Friend-What part did You find most
difficult when you Were on the stage?
FOotlight-Trying TO live up 10 the salary
Itoldmy friends was drawing New York
Despatch.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
4 Hint.

He (effusively-Do see you well?
She (coldiy II don't know. You are near
Tribune
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Nnt Snnnnsed tn r.

Editor-Somehow OF other 1 don't see
the sense Of this thing
POet-My dear sir that's not sense;
that's poetry.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
That's All.
Il iit : All
isn't Smith q uoet2'

isn't Smith a poet?"
NO; can't borrow a quarter to have his
hair cut-that's all"-Atlanta Constitu~
ton
The morning times., 1895-08-04
The June Honeymoon.

"a novel in 100 900 chapteIsl
Chapter WHO'S little duckie is oo?''
100 'ittIe duCkie"
800 is"
who's a soogaI PLUMP"
who's two SOogaI plums-three soogar
plums-ten million soogaT pluIns?"
Me is"
Willie tweety?"
- 'Es e title soogaI plum do
How much do e title dUckie love its own
daIlngest?"
-'Oo-uO-OO-oo-oOt"
Chapter 1.-THE same as Chapter L
Chapter III.-PreciseIy as previously.
Chapter ". TO CM-DittO. Finis.-NeW
YOIk sun.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Her Method.

Mrs Brown never sits up to wait for
her husband"
Mop
mo. When she expects him to be out
late she rCtireS early, sets the alarm clock
at O'Clock and gets up refreshed and re-
prOachfuI Life.
The morning times., 1895-08-04
Shamrock wit.

Sha mrOck Wit.
THE reason Oireland is such Distress
ful country is becauseof the absentee land
lords
"Ah, be gora! You're right and the
coUuthry's overrun with 'em Sketch
That Servant Girl.
"No
She spoke an accents Of scoTn.
Il cannot be yours"
He eturned away despondently ano sought
another emplOyemnt Dureau.-Truth
Several Reasons.
'No'' said the girl TO the wrong young
man. my new dress won't be finished in
time and mamma doesn't want me to go
anyway. I'm so sorry. Besides, / am
going with Mr. Jones. New York Record
E
In Arctic Circles.
That they have buds in Boston
One scarcely dares 10 doubt;
But, sJill in such an atmosphere,
HOwsaan they bring them out?
Another Kind.
He was a noted wheelman,
SO everybody said;
But they didn' mean q bicyclist,
The wheels were III his head.
Truth.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1895-03-19
Rev. Mrs. spraxue.

Rev. Mrs. Lila Frest Sprague, who
was ordained with her husband, Rev.
Leslie W. Sprague. in All Souls church,
Chicago. in 1890, and who has served
the Universalist church at Monroe.
Wis, as associate pastor with her hus-
band, also She Unitarian church Of Po-
mona, Cal, has not, owing to maternal
duties, been doing active pastoral serv-
ice for two years except as pulpit sup
ply. But Mrs. Sprague now again goes
on the list Of woman ministers in active
work. She was called in February by
the trustees of the Second Unitarian
church of San Francisco, of which Mr..
Sprague has been pastor for two years,
to act as assistant pastor and was duly
authorized to represent the church in
all the pastoral offices and to relieve
Mr.. Sprague of part of the pulpit work.
In addition to this she was chosen to
superintend the Sunday school. Mrs.
Sprague is the first to officially occupy
the pulpit in the metropolis of the Pa
eifc.-San Francisco Letter.
The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1895-03-19
AN uLTIMATuM.

The British Government Presents a De-
xnand to Nicaragua on Account of the Ex-
pulsion OF Mr.. Hatch.
MANAGUA, Nicaragua, March 19.-The
British government, through it's minis
ter here, has submitted an ultimatum
to Nicaragua. 1t demands cash in
demnity of a15,0OO as ''smart''
money to pay for the expulsion
of Mr.. Hatch, British consular
agent at Bluefields, during the
troubles of last year, and also
for the appointment of commission
to investigate the damages sustained
by the persons and property of British
subjects who were expelled from the
Mosquito reservation about the same
time. By the terms of the ulti-
matum Great Britain is to name
one of the commissioners and
Nicaragua another, and these
two are to choose a third, who
shall not be a citizen of the United
States. 1t was also made known that
a craftsmanship is now on her way to
Nicaragua to enforce these demands,
which must be complied with within
seven weeks from the 25th of February
last, the date of the ultimatun.