The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1895-02-07
GOT HIS JUST DESERTS.
He Was Too Lazy to Live and Too Worth
less to Kill.

He Was Too Lazy to Live and Too WORTH
less to Kill.
Phil Blackthorn was one of those
members of the social body whose
place on earth could never be found,
for the reason that there was not
enough of him to fill anything. He
was so utterly worthless that he was
unable to get up respectable drunk,
for though he took gallon of whisky
he was never in fighting or boisterous
mood, but merely sat still and cried
softly.
Phil was one of those fellows who
are too mean to be kicked: any decent
fellow who performed this Office for
him always felt afterwards as if he
had himself been kicked.
The man had no spirit whatsoever.
His wife used to thrash him and the
darkieS, even, would wallop him on
any sort of Matched up excuse. Small
boys and dogs tired of teasing him
because he would not resent any sort
of affront
Hunting had no attraction for him;
he despised the sight of fishing pole,
while mention of any kind of work
caused him to grow pale. Neighbors
knew that he visited their henroosts
and invaded their pigsties, but were
unable to detect him in these trans
gressions. Once Deacon Halstead set a
steel trap for him; the trap was found
4 pssng the following morning, and
Phil went around for a month after
ward with his left hand bound in rags,
but that might have been only coin
cidence.
Pills chest curved inward from lack
of proper respiration, while his thin
legs were bent outward. He could
''chaw" an incredible amount of
"backer'' and 'outcuss," as he himself
proudly boosted, ANY other Teller in
Paspertank.
In short, Phil was one of the most
worthless types of that worthless class
known as ''po whites" Vagabondage
was never punished in that portion of
North Carolina in which he lived eX-
cept by universal reprobation, and to
this he was as Indifferent as is duck
to splash of water.
One day Deacon Halstead, who is a
well-to-do farmer and a highly re-
spected member of the middle class in
the social scale, took his rifle and went
out to look for deer He was some
what nearsighted, but he declared he
was positive that he heard deer NOV
ing in a clump of alder bushes in big
pine grove over by Phil Blackthorn's.
Then, as he alleged, he saw what he
was morally certain was the head of a
fine doe peer through the cluster of
leaves whereupon he fired.
Rushing forward he declared he was
utterly dumbfounded at seeing Phil
stretched upon the ground roaring and
believing and not a sign of the deer
anywhere.
The doctor, who was promptly sent
for, soon dug the bullet out of Phil's
calf, which speedily healed Then
Phil, to the surprise of everybody, had
the good deacon arrested on charge
Of malicious mischief, alleging the act
was done with malice prepense and in
discharge of an ancient grudge.
Ia. Trial of the case came off before old
Squire Ben Twinkum, who had often
amented that he had Phil for neigh
Dor.
Phil swore that he was in full view
of the deacon, who regarded him with
baleful and diabolical eye from head tc
foot before shooting; that he piteously
besought him not to fire, but that the
old man declared he had long been
waiting for such desirable oppor
tunity.
The good deacon admitted the shoot
ing, but insisted, as already stated
that it was an accident pure and simple
Then Phil introduced a couple Of
witnesses to prove that the deacon hat
once set steel trap for him and ex
pressed regret that the teeth had moi
caught him in the neck.
Squire Twinkum deliberated fol
some moments after the evidence was
all in before he rendered his decision
which was as follows:
'Ther' hain't one single laig fer the
prosecution ter stand on, fer it tain
possible fer any malice ter be Showed
t'wards SIGH ornery cuss es Phil
Blackthorn. The deacon, howsomever
do merit the severest punishment thu
lor allows me ter administer fer havin
SIGH a good chance n not takin' it.
theyerfore fine Deacon Halstead on
hundred dollars for not KILN OF Phil
H. what's more, he mus pay it afor
he leaves this heah coaht."
The deacon did pay, and the peopl
Immediately declared the sentenc
riuhtaous- ChicapO Tribune