The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1895-08-14
Anaersats gntslIigsnssf.
Patterson's Boy.


It is a true saying "there are no days
like the old days." and, indeed, there
is no fiction so laughable as the real
humorous incidents of our boyhood
days, at least to us, who can SO vividly
remember every look and gesture Of
some comic adventure or accident over
which at the time we so nearly split
our sides that we can't bear to have a
woman's finger poking us in the ribs
even to this day without getting excit.
ed.
With this brief prelude, | will intro
duce "Patterson's Boy" Now, it has
always been an unanswered question,
"Who struck Billy Patterson p but
am fully prepared to answer for Pat
terson's Boy" and solemnly declare
thatit was not I who pulled the string:
In my young days Patterson Boy
and used to go for swimming bath
on Sunday morning during the sum-
mer in the Ohio river. We would go
at an early hour, before sunrise, and,
as he was sleepyheaded youth, it re-
quired voice of thunder to rouse him
from his snoring. got tired of the
strain on my lungs, and of seeing go
many indignant night-capped heads
poked out Of the neighboring windows,
SO I suggested to "Patterson's Boy
that he tie string to his big toe every
Saturday night, with the other end
tied to the fence, and I could just
quietly and gently pull the string, and
wake him without disturbing the
neighbors.
This plan worked we'll for time
but one night Patterson Boy" could
not find any other string to attach to
his toe but strong, closely Invested
cotton cord, called in the West troll
line, strong enough to hold the largest
fish in the river so he tied the string
securely to his toe, and with the other
end fastened to the fence, he went to
sleep in all the sweet security of inno-
cence, and soon his child-like snore
was mingling with the joyous music of
katydids and jar-bugs.
There was another innocent youth
who lived across the street from the
paternal mansion Of Patterson $ Boy. "
s'The course of true love never did run
smooth.
Now, Of course these boys loved
each other; but slight unpleasant
ness sprang up once between them
owing to a game Of marbles, in which
Patterson Boy" came out so far
ahead that the boy could never under
stand it, and it had been puzzle to
him ever since, although he never cast
any imputation on the honor of "Pat-
terson's Boy" and generously over
looking it, he loved him as we'll as
ever, and would go over and eat pie
with him Whenever they had baking
at Patterson s.
up early to solve the problem Of that
game, and seeing the string tied to the
fence, he thought that might throw
some light on the subject, especially
as he knew the other end was tied to
the toe of "Patterson's Boy"
Now, Patterson's calf was lying
down by the fence near the string, so
the boy went up quietly and patted
the calf on the head, and petted it un-
til he had gained it's confidence by
false pretenses, and then he unfasten-
ed the string from the fence and Sc
curely tied it over the little stubby
horns of the calf then he went over
and sat on the gatepost to watch the
result,
In few minutes [ came walking
along to wake "Patterson's Boy for
our swim, and when I approached the
fence, the calf jumped up in fright and
started on run across the lot. !
heard terrible racket inside, and the
tumbling over Of tables and chairs,
and then a yell from Patterson s
Boy" as he came through the window
with nothing on but his undergarment,
and with kind of combination hop,
step and jump he went after that calf
while the tail Of his nightrobe sailed
out on the breeze, and Topped like an
election banner on windy day.
Away they went around the yard,
over the woodpile, through the gar
den, over beans, and peas, and toma,
to vines, and then disappeared in the
corn, where the rattle Of the dried
corn blades or the yell of Patterson S
Boy" was all that indicated anything
interesting down there.
But rackety-clack they came back
again, and "Patterson's Boy" had
taken q death-grip on that line to re,
lieve the unpleasant strain on his toe.
By this time the calf had become
warmed up to his work, and they were
making better time than ever.
They made all the near cuts, and
sharp turns, and curves around that
yard |; they upset barrels and pans,
broke down all the pretty flowers in
the front yard they knocked down a
shelf, and smashed all the jars Of pre-
serves, and then they disappeared fo1
moment under the wood-shed, where
"Patterson's Boy" could be heard
humping his head among the old traps
piled up there.
But it never got really lively and
interesting until the calf upset the
beehive. Then the buzzing of the
bees, on that sweet Sabbath morning
was so suggestive Of the land Of milk
where honey flows, that it was strange
if Patterson Boy" didn t remember
it. think he did, from the way he
hoped and danced and yelled and
kicked and roared.
By this time Patterson came out
and got an old scythe and moved
around with it until he cut that blast
ed old string and got his only son il
the house. The neighbors were fully
aroused by this time, and began tt
come in and look at him. They hac
put some more clothing on him, how
ever, as the scant attire he had started
| out with was nearly all gone.
You couldn't reasonably expect
II