Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-02-24
|IIE CRU ENTHUSIASTICALLY
6hs ldlg Complains Of Municipal Affairs
and Heavy Stats Taxes.
, ASSESSMENT on mrs HEAD.

Ia Ingenious Parody on "TriIby"-
The Three Eneiishmen Were All
American Giris--Dr. HoEe'a Tooth
| Anntvcrsnry.
when they used 70 tell me in my pri-
|snary history about the gallant don't-giyc-
" continental act Of Sir Walter Raleigh.
v no took OF his coat one day and laid
In down 50 that Queen Elizabeth could
walk over a mud. puddle, I always sus-
|pectca that the coat In question must
|havc been a mighty old one, or else there
was very little mud In the puddle. on
|ihcse two latter points history has main
|tained discreet silence thereby ahofd-
|tng us food for reflection. which. by inc
way. Is about all the food we can 80
these hard times. But the name oi ny
thoughts happens 20 be mud JUST Ho"'
and 1 win digress 10 more. IT Is my
purpose. after the manner OK the average
clifton vho isn't willing % 10 '"i"s
for the cts but CNcoriate the 'o"n'''
60 harshly and satricaly comment on
our municipal onicors. In the name %
the great Il am chats mel aSA'
Why does Richmond. the mighty coTpo-
ration bodyepoliIc "and city OF seven
hill" hllldoze as into having the snow
,l,arcl o4 our sidewalks and then her
,.lf omit TO do the smallest thing for
r II Inc a al
tborougbfafes. was one Of the One
taphoricaD swine who wallOwed In the
mire Of Broad street Just after the late
en1w saw Nt 70 melt. ana In my heart
there surced up "a frOthy sectting wave
a. Indignation. Is I CALAMITY stepped
aside kuec-deep. into the metropolitan
slough in order 70 give some lady the
IiLit OF way. l recalled Raleigh, and
ihnaght what mHcu.iic nj scope Rich
muuI offered for his nice little act. II
De- had been lyirE az the time Of which
] speak. AMI u the regal old maid 'Dci
Iratla' had also been living, and II the
tHO had been walking on Broad street,
Walter. before be had gone two squares.
would have had L. divest himself Of every
16g Of his Teady-made clothing In order 10
have kept up his reputation ana given
JeE,na Lizzie dry footing. What's be-
come of the romantic little strcCt-sWecpcr
that we tsed 10 read so much about?
ia he gone, also. along with the honored
memory of the man who FIRST introduced
ppc smoking among civilized nations.
Aad has our Council gone tools there no.
thing left but mud?
This thing Of roasting our municipal
md stale officers lin print Is awfuliy
fascinating. anyhow, and now that I've
gotten into 81, 1 propose to make fur fly.
Nay be I'll run for the Board Of Alder
D.. myself some day, ana then new
lcsime VIII commentaries what every
blessed voter n Richmond outside Of
those To whom ] nlluIr thinks. II Is my
purpose TO enter my shrill. falsstto voice
Hlainst the cNorhitant taxes ! am forced
g. pay. The question was once asked: IS
INC Idle Reporter married" Al, dear.
! 20. ccutei victims Of my supcrlnnuated
Joke, II you could have seen my t1X-as-
Tcssmcnts on personal property, YOU
would have set mc down us the SOC
proprietor Of a whole kindergarten. The
Corn-shuck mattress ana the three soap
.T"s Ia my room were appraised a.
Naiue which would put the appointments
& Windsor Castle % the blush. and, ac-
Goriing 20 the ideas a. the man who
la1lo out the statement. / was a mill
louairc. Rather tuau disabuse his mint
I this Impression I suhmisslvely paid or
friend. Captain Frank Cunningham. the
REQUIRED sum. when | murmurcl be-
lNthcly promised 10 sing az my iCu"rtL
ihCu they took siX OF nay aquidne WHO'S
i1r income tax-ilst think Of the farcaen
therein implied aud told me / ought %
&c gldd ! was getting enough money to
Justify tho assessment. When the oihciai
g. -.gd had cNac'el this time az ~"
l.H that peace and comfort would ltifn
u,r DIV debris at last, but Ia this ! hei
g. my.,if. As q last straw 10 break
NstE weary camcls back, they sent ne "a
MI of $50 for state tax, and upon I'M
N.susation I found that 81 was I0r the
tagitation privilege. And ON mat / pro
t,.t TIE Idea 81 making a man pay one
hundred cents Just because he happens 10
liyc a head. There Is TO appeal. You can't
Ect rii ot your skull without serious in
convenience and oven Il you severed yodr
connection with Il the courts would Iuie
this act as au evasion OF the law Some
mon know ouLhtn't To bc made pay
cont ou their heads Grover Cleveland.
toW.Ncr. stould De assessed 800 per an
mum ou his. aui even then that estimate
MOULIN begin 90 De proportonnte Go the
F.tJll s.1c OF the article hc PUTS into fis
presidential rishtcap. ilut for moderate,
C.rfy-uaN. James Douglas -thTr'-loltdr-
thoc citizens Lkc myself the poll-taN Is
~ osirfEe which should D. ir-aldei
with almost us much abhoyrcuCc as IS
Vtt peculiar and unpopular 80 les of
CT which h's been named after u. pu-
tnE The lle of the French revelation,
O. even lr China to-day, there may he
I.g+oa who would Chccrluliy throw the
REQUIRED ...p into the government jack
pot u ola.t tc keep their h,aif uron
thcir Shoulders, but here In land OF al
etd miN AMI honey, The eAacti1n f.
most unjust ore.
In The l4lcyon. participants days OF
NY sriv. tGt ,u-ssi youth. before th"
Supreme Cour, declared the oh rcad-labur
law Lu.ou titstouaL have t1iled many
un hour upon oar public thoroughl1rcs.
and -ayr ,.t many pair ot corduroy
trousers lY my honest cnorts TO builA a
corduroy road. IL WIS case ot Work
o. tI1 icr,Wcil to 80 cents ger diem, INV
FATHER p.. fsgr-l that / should do the
1omer TDiF tx ! bore patiently, for
ever zoe hung On. lat TuM slipper dang
tins ukc th- sword OF D.m0 clos. ava
never tI mV~mur Ol,hu the jurisilc,
ton Of the aforesaid parental hushlm
An J. w-t other patriotic 3utios brsVolN
~ CONS, outuU,ly attended church fairs
N!th nov .Wct,teart hut when the capt.
turc1-itN hi, the sock in which ! hodr'-
81 l.r cash l teit that my country was
lwr.t.rl avon rIe. And SO, too. with tins
- ON personal property When ! sent
a. rv D. 70 declaration as 60 my corth'y
y.e..s..'0s ! received communication
tNtnr that / hcd omitted !hc mention
" t1c following things which are taxable:
Out celestial aspirations.
Two Atwosrh re lreathed for past year.
~ I.th walked on.
rou.iN. Water used for drinking pur-
t-.,. o. ru.rts in 800 days..
lH'h IrFUege Of telling old Jokes
NN.t ' Gays spent i'm living during
r.r ,.ar
Seventh 2'5 hours spent In sleep.
EIrath one Waterbury watch.
Ninth. Two tut-tooth combs.
Tcr'a. Nuv.i-r OF living.
i'"'.a.r. IrrIcsc 90 dying.
Twelfth IrtI'ee" of being born.
'h'ri en,a. Privilege of not having 10
b. bonn H..It
Fourteenth Privilege Of not haylns
tr.n 'e.a.
Fifteenth. Privilege of not having been
la r.r.