Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1895-08-01
IDLE TALES BY An IDLE FELLOW,
clipped and Reha he'd.

- NAAt
pened at a prominent church a few
sundays ago in a town not far from
here. Among the influential mem
bers IS an old gentleman. who, while
he is very much interested in his
church and a devout Christian. never
lets a chance go bv from which he
can make an honest penny. Some
time ago he secured at a bargain from
a church supply house in Chicago. a
lot of hymn books and had been sell
ling them out TO his fellow-members
at fifty cents each. We must remark
right here that the deacon is rather
deaf. A few SundaY before Child
ren's day, The minister remarked in
his announcements. ..All those whose
children are 10 take part in Childrens
dav will please send them to the par
sonage next Friday" Deason Jones
was half asleep in his pew dreaming
about hymn books. and thinking the
minister was referring to them. arose
quickly and shouted '.All You who
haven / got any can get as many as
you wan by calling on me. They
are fifty cents apiece.
The meanest mar on record is said
to live in Lyon county. He sold his
son-in-law a one-half interest in a COW
and then refused to divide the milk
maintaining that he sold only the
front half. The buyer was also re-
quired to provide the feed the COW
consumed. and was compelled to carry
water TO her three times a day. Re-
Gently the COW hooked the old man,
and he Is suing the son-in-law for
damages.
We have 1ust learned OF three siidi-
yidual> who lay claim 10 being the
stingiest men on earth. remarks les
change. One will not drink a much
water as he wants unless II comes
from his neighbours well. Another
torbids his family to write anything
but u small hand, a. it is a waste Of
ink to make big letters. The third
stops the clock Il ave wear and tear
on the machinery All OF them refuse
to take a newspaper on the ground
that il is a terrible strain OIL the spect-
acles to read.
MusIC.lL.-A gentleman OF the old
school thus describes the rendering of
a well-known HYMN by a modern
fashionable choir: Firstly, the soprano
in asoaring leap, sings, Take thy
pil''-followed by the alto and tenor
with like advicelwhile the soprano is
magnifciently holding on to the..pil')
and as the deep base profoundly echoes
the same, ..Takethy pil'-they final
ly unite and repeat together eventual
ly succeeding in singing Take thy
pilgrim home" etc, greatly to the
relief of both minister and people, who.
seem alike awfully impressed with the
suggestive advice so emphatically re-
iterated.
Ex: Mary had a little lamb, its
fleece was white as snow it strayed
away one summer day. where lambs
should never 90. Then Mary sat her
down and tears streamed from her
pretty eyes; she never found the lamb
because she didn't advertise. And
Mary had a brother John who kept q
village store. and he sat down and
smoked his pipe and watched the open
door. And ali the people passed along
and did not stopto buy. while John
sat down and smoked his pipe and
blinked his sleepy eye. And so the
sheriff closed'him out but still he ling
cred near; and Mary came to drop
with him a sympathetic tear. How
is it sister. that those other mechants
here, sell the goods and pay the bills
and thrive from year to yearP Re
m%embering her W bad luck the little
maid replies; Those other fellows get
there John. because they advertise. !"
Here is the latest parrot story
A man of New Bedford. whose niece
ha d coaxedhim to buy her a parrot,
succeeded in getting a bird that was
warranted agood talker. He brought
it home, and after putting it in a
cage, stood before it and said: Say
uncle, Polly!'' The bird did not re-
spond. and after repeating the SEN
tenee a dozen times or more. with M
better success, the uncle put his hand
into the cage and grabbed the bird by
the neck, shook him until his head
woddled around. all the time yelling
at him: Say uncle. COLL darn yer;
say uncle!'' The bird looked limp
and lifeless, and Disguised with his
purchase, the old fellow took the par
rot out into the back yard where he
had a coop of thirty chickens.
Thrusting the half dead bird in with
the chickens be exclaimed, There,
by gosh! You will say uncle before
you get out" Next morning the an
Gle went out TO see how the parrot
was getting along. Looking into the
coop he counted twenty-nine dead
chickens, and in the center of the
coop stood the parrot on one foot
holding he thirtieth chicken by the