davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
HUMOR OF THE DAY,

Gossip puts two and two together
and makes whatever sum it desires.
Cobblers report that business with
them is mending. Hartford Journal.
A mans second love is generally
worth more money than his first
Puck.
In striving to get ahea1 of others
look to it that you do not fall over
yourself Puck.
When Cupid breaks the ice between
two people, he never puts up the dan
ger signal. Puck.
Nobody can help noticing the short
comings of the man who is always be-
hind time. Dallas News.
The man who "has his price" will
be very careful about showing his cost
mark.-Cleveland Plain Dealer.
"They sell water in Cairo" ''How
interesting And do they have the
milk ticket system, too?"-Puck.
The would-be meddler with "green
goods is reminded of his youthful ex-
periences with the sour apple. Puck.
The difference between a man and a
horse is that the latter never goes on
a race track until after he's broke
Statesman.
The older man is when he gets
married the sooner he commences TAX
ing his lunch ab noon downtown
Atchison Globe.
Fred-"Was that a Boaton girl you
were talking to a minute ago?" Ar
thur-"Yes Didn't you heag me
sneezIng ?"-Life.
A drop of ink may command the al
tention of hundred Particularly if
it is on your polished shirt 'front.'
Rockland Me- Tribune.
Weary Waggles-"Dere sev'ral
courses I'd like tie persoo." Tiredy-
"Wot er dey like?" Weary Waggles
--"Dinner courses. "-Syracuse Post.
'Does your daughter sing?" asked
Mrs. Jinglegilt. ''No," replied Mrs.
Oldfan. ave have taken great pains
in educating her not to. w Washing
ton Star.
Customer-"What in tine world is
that unearthly bowling overhead?"
Clerk (smillng)-"There is pain
less dentistry establishment upstairs,
sir. Statesman.
Tough-'I want dozen eggs, an 1
wants 'em bad, see?" Grocer-"Go
to that grocer across the street.
Everything he keeps is bad. "-Phila-
delphia Inquirer.
Editor-'Tn writing up the foot
ball game why do you say it was hotly
contested?" Reporter--'T don't see
how it could be otherwise, when it
was played on u gridiron. Norris
town Herald.
Here" said the new missionary,
here are some tracts and sermons,
translated into your native language.
Thanks, yawned the King of
Ebwpka. "By the way, have you a
translation of 'TrilbyT T"-Indian-
apolis Journal.
"This may be Justice" said the de-
feated defendant. "but it strikes me
as being pretty fishy verdict. THAT
shows that it is justice, retorted the
plaintiff. "One of the most conspicu-
Gus features of justice is her scales"
-Harper's Bazaar.
sit is wonderful what progress has
been made in the way of machinery"
remarked Mr.. Figg. 81 GEE that there
mas been a machine invented that eau
make a complete pair of shoes in six
,een minutes Why, that is even fast
'r than Tommy can wear them out"
Indianapolis journal.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06

A wide-awake member of the South
Australian Legislature has made a
profit of $4,000 on a shipment of
onions to the mines in Western Aus
tralia. He probably had had some
experience of the vents of people on
freshly opened gold fields. His ex-
ample has been followed by number
OF other enterprising traders, and nc.
cording TO late advices there is quite
smell of onions about the famous
Coolgardie fields.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
Mood Pulp Tubing.

Tubing made from wood pulp is
coming into use tor UNDERGROUND
purposes, owing to its high electrical
resistance and its freedom from the
action of earth-return currents which
seriously iniure gas snd water pines
IN cities where electric cars use the
ground to complete their circuits. It
Is also free from difficulties due to
expansion and contraction. Chicago
Herald. oN
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
HER IGNORANCE.

A five-year old, who went to school
for the first time, came home at noon,
and said to his mother, Mamma,
don't think that teacher knows much ?''
"Why not, my dear?"
"Why, she kept asking questions
all the time. She asked where the
Mississippi was. Philadelphia Life.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
THE MYSTERY.

First Depositor-'T suppose there's
no telling how the banks money
wentP"
Second Depositor-"Oh, yes That
has all been cleared up. There's only
one thing that isn't clear, now"
First Depositor-"What is that?"
Second Depositor-"How they came
to leave any assets. Puck.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
A SUPERIOR ATTRACTION,

First Small Boy-"Come over and
play in this mud-puddle.
Second Small Boy-Nope; you come
over and play in this one"
First Small Boy-"I won't. The
waters dirtier in this puddle than it
is in yours Judge.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
VERY UNFORTUNATE.

Whimsieus-'I always knew that
thirteen WAS an unlucky number Jol-
ieus gave an awfully swell dinner at
Del's the other night, and there were
just thirteen at table"
Flimsicus-"Well, what hsppened?"
Whimsicus - ''What happened Z?
Why, l wasn't invited r'-Life.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06

The holding of Pure Food Exhibi-
tions in all our large cities is doing a
great work in calling attention to the
immense benefit to mankind conferred
by the plucky, sasacious men who
have first produced pure article, and
second, made all the world want to
H..
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
A PLAUSIBLE EXPLANATION.

"What do you Western people mean
by rounding up cattle?" asked the
Boston girl.
And the Chicago girl, who would
not admit that she didn't know it all,
replied: "Oh, that is a sort of slang
term for the fattening of them-of
course, that makes them round in out
line, you know. Cincinnati Tribune.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06

There is No New woman-Etiquette
VS.. Cynicism-C. o. D.-The Dis
tinction, Etc, Etc.
New woman2 Oh, bless you, she isn't new,
Though she's called so, at any rate,
She shops just the same as the old ones do,
And asks IL her hats on straight.
She's as curious as other women are,
And big hat wears at play,
And she always steps Off trolley car
With her face turned the other way.
New York Press.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06

Evidence is accumulating, states
the New York Mail and Express. that
Marshal Ney was not shot, as the
Bourbons ordered, but that he was
really the American schoolmaster who
dwelt in the Carolinas after the fall of
Napoleon. His alleged preservation is
attributed to the connivance of We'll
linQton.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06

Willie-"Marjorie, you have re-
turned my written proposal marked
@. o. d. Tell me, what does it
mean?"
Marjorie (blushing) "Why-why,
@. o. D. means, Call on Dad
Truth.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
an OLD MANS DARLING.

A TIE SOMERS,
my old school
mate and dear
friend for years
after we entered
upon our lives as
matrons, invited
me to spend the
summer with her
at Star Point, a
little sea-c oas {
village, nam G d
from a peculiar
conformation of
jagged T o G k Y
points whic h
stretched into tho
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
A WAY THEY HAVE.

Mrs. Hicks-"Dick was sick all
night, and, as consequence, Mr..
Hicks Is i'll in bed from worry and loss
of sleep"
Mrs. Dix-"Where is Dick ?"
Mrs. Hicks-"I sent him after the
doctor. Puck.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
A FAMILIAR EXPERIENCE.

Plugwinch-"Tell you what, old
man, if I'd my life to live over again
I'd marry money, wouldn't you2"
Enpeck (decisively) - ''No, sir
Money talks l''-Philadelphia Life.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
HIS ATTENTION DIVIDED.

Mrs. Jones-"John, you didn't keep
your eyes on the preacher all the
time"
Mr.. Jones-"How could 1? / had
my umbrella with me. Life.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
VANITY.

Maude lat the pianol-"I do hate
these finger exercises. 1 think they're
Just horrid.
Edith--''Why, I think they're love-
ly. They do show off ones rings to
such advantage, you know. "--Boston
Transcript.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
THE DISTINCTION.

Teacher-"What is the difference
between victuals and viands?"
Scholor - "We have victuals on
wash days and viands when we have
company. Detroit Free Press.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
OH, YES ! CERTAINLY |!

"Now, you will have to ask papa for
his consent, said Miss Willing to her
accepted suitor.
"Oh, yes Certainly !" replied Jack
Coy. "Of course Er-has he a tel
ephone at his Office ?''-Puck.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
END 1T ALL.

Cholly Chumpleigh-"Miss Coldeal,
our friendship has lasted a long time.
Ii should ask you to marry me will
you promise to think it over?"
Miss Coldeal (rising)-"Yes, Mr..
Ohumpleigh, 1 should think it was
-rer, at once."
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06

Berlin has no slums. Even in the
poorest quarters the streets are paved
with asphalt, and are kept faultlessly
clean.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
ETIQUETTE VS.. cYN1c1sM.

Novice-"When a man and woman
become engaged, which one is it
proper to congratulated"
Cynic- Neither. - Chicago Rec
ord.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06

White clothing is cool. because it
reflects the heat of the sun; black
clothing is warm, because it absorbs
both heat and light.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
RATS OF ADVERTISING, 4,

One Square, oue inch, one insertion. q Zen
One Square, one inch, one month";. 500
One Square, one inch, three months. . 90
One Square, one inch, one year .... 10 90
Two Squares, one year ar............. 10 90
Quarter Column, one year. 30 Oc
halt column, one year ~ W
One Column, one year -. .,.. 1000
Legal advertisements ten cents per haa
each insertion.
Marriages and death notices gratis. :
All bills for yearly advertisements ocEiesese
quarterly. Temporary advertisements ns1n
Be paid in advance.
Job work-cash on delivery.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
aUPERsTITION.

Poet with MS.)-"What Aoor is
the editorial Department.
Elevator Thirteenth.
Poet-"Good day. Puck.
The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1895-03-06
per year.

Spain puts out 5000, 600, 900 sorkI
Der vear a,e+s
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10

Nature has a peculiar way of going
about her business which in genera! is
conducive to doubt and awakens pessi,
mistic predictions from the men who
watch the crops. The unalterable fact
that neither scientific o popular pro-
test weighs in the balance against her
WhimS IS as discomposing as il is alarm
ing. Men look TO her for assurances,
and when they are not forthcoming they
begin TO doubt: and to doubt is TO be-
come a prophet of calamity. Last June
Their was a white frost in all the north
country. 1t blighted vegetation even
as it nourished a large crop % pessi-
miStS. Peaches We're killed. Berry
crop badly damaged. Small fruit ruin.
ed. Smash and bow-wows! And now
in these mellowing days of autumn. af.
ter a protracted silence on all subjects
pertaining TO horticulture. the fruit
grower is talking again. He isn't quite
lone figuring his totals. but he has al
ready found that he has more to be
thankful for at harvest than in all the
days of his life. The peach crop is the
largest ever harvested. and it has
brought him more money than ever be.
fore. Berries We're good. Everything
has yielded abundantly and has been
marketed to advantage. Peace and
plenty are everywhere. But all this is
no lesson 10 him who will prate OF ca
lamity. Next year. with half the PROV
ocation. he will be rs bad. He will
torture the community and Ire will
awaken torturing doubts in the farm
.erS among whom he spreads the seed Of
doubt and d.stru>t. And there is no
help for il. 1t We're easier to re-refoIm
natures business methods than to re-
form the man confirmed in the convic-
ton that no matter what happens il is
certain to be disagreeable.
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10

to publish an almanac in 1872, which
he continued for some years under the
title of Poor Richards Almanac. 1t
was filled full of short and pithy bust
ness maXims which. if not Of great
moral value, We're singularly shrewd.
He also left a charming autobiography
which tells the story of his life until
1907.
Franklin was buried at Philadelphia
near his wife. Their graves are mark
ed by marble slabs. He left behind him
the following epitaph, which is often
quoted. and has become famous: The
Body Of Benjamin Franklin, Printer,
like the cover of an old book, its con
tents torn out and stripped Of it's let
tering and gliding. lies here food for
worms: but the work shall not be lost,
for it will, as he believes, appear once
more in a new and more elegant edi.
ton. revised, and corrected by the au-
thor"
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10
A RIVERS
areas of Land Transported from P,.c.
to Place by the Mississippi.

Areas of Land Transported from Place
to Place by the Mississippi,
The Mississippi has in the course ~
ages transported from the unit
and high land within it's drainage area
sufficient material to make 400 ON
square miles of new land by filling I'm
an estuary which extended from its
original outfall to the Gulf Of Mexico
for a length Of 500 miles. This river
is still pouring solid matter into the
gulf, where ii is spread II in a fan.
like shape over a coast line Of 80 miles.
and is filling up at the rate Of $4,000.
600 tons a year. OF six tons as much as
was removed in the construction of the
Manchester ship canal, and sufficient To
make a square mile Of new land, al
lowing for its having to fill UP the gulf
to a depth of eighty yards.
Some idea Of the vastness Of this Oh.
Grafton may be conceived when the
fact is considered that some of this soil
has to be transported more than 5000
miles, and that if the whole of it had
to be carried in boats at the lowe.
rate at which heavy material is carried
on the inland waters Of America, or.
say, for one-tenth Of a penny per ton
per mile over an average of half the
total distance. the cost would be no less
a sum than f23S, 100000 a year.
Through the vast delta thus formed
the river winds its way, twisting and
turning by innumerable bends until II
extends its length to nearly 1900 miles,
or more than double the point to point
length of the delta. continually eroding
the banks in one place and building up
land in another, occasionally breaking
its way across a narrow neck which lies
between the two extremities, and filling
up the old acknowledgements Maya
zine.
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10

The number of members of the Grand
Army in good standing the 30th of last
June was 357 500. being n loss OF 1876
during the year. OF this loss only a lit
tie over a half was by death. The re;
mainder was chiefly due to suspen-
sionS. Large as the membership of the
organization is. the number of surviv-
ing old soldiers is much larger. There
are about 10000 on the pension rolls.
There are many who have applied for,
pensions under the law of 1890. but
have not got them yet. and there are
many who have no pensions and have
not asked for them. So ii may be deem
ed strange. perhaps, that the Grand
Army has not more members than j.
has. But the discrepancy may be ex-
planned by the fact that while veterans
living IN a city or village or in a thick
ly settled rural community naturally
come together and form a post. there
are many old soldiers who are isolated
and not where they can get at one IN
other. Numbers are scattered through
out the reIuote West and have no
chance to organize. 1t mus be remem-
bered also that of those who served as
officers during the war many belong TO
the Loyal Legion but not to the Grand
Army.
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10
The president of the America

The president of the American Social
Science Association asserts that 1.-The
trolley, the telephone and the bicycle
are modifying the whole subject of the
distribution OF population in America.
He is undoubtedly right. Perhaps they
are not far wrong who think that the
man who will invent a cheap, safe
and reliable @ of getting a bicycle
up hill as easily as ii now goes down
will prove as beneficent a revolution.
list as the MAJ who devised electrical
traction.
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10

The authorities Of the Georgetown
%. Co. University have prohibited foot
ball. They made up their mind to do
that last year after the death OF one OF
the students from injuries received in
a football game. The officers Of the
university came to the sensible conclu.
sion hat the parents of the students
would rather have their children return
alive without football honors than dead
with them, and that it was the duty of
the officers To do what they could to
prevent the shipping of those children
home in collins. Therefore football is
tabooed utterly. If the students want
10 give baseball and other athletic
sports more time than they have been
giving to them there will be no objec-
ton, but there is TO be no more kick
ing. The officers have decided that
football is inherently brutal. that il,
cannot be reformed into a gentle
mems anne. This announcement dis
pleaseS some of the students who care
more for physical than mental honors.
and who had hoped to gain national
renown as slucgerS. but the parents
take very kindly to this veto of the
game. The Georgetown institution
having led the way will not others fol.
1nu.
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10
OF FRANKLIN.
WAS ONE OF THIS COUNTRY'S
GREATEST MEN.
A Most Interesting Characterize Ex-
celIed In More Points than Any
Other American and armed Fame
Man Among Men.

II was 105 years ago that Benjamin
Franklin died. in ONE respects the
greatest man this country has produced.
He was certainly a most interesting
one. His life touches s % many points
of interest, he was So prominent in
many fields that history easily accords
him n lofty rank. He was at once a
philosopher, statesman, diplomat. sci
enlist, inventor and wit and as a writer
of English second to scarcely any. The
story Of such a life cannOt help but be
interesting as illustrative of how much
an earnest man can make of himself
when 20 that end he bends every en-
ergy uf his mind.
Franklin's parents had gone to Bos-
ION sons time before his birth and set
tied there with a large family of chill
drcn. Here the subject of this sketch
was born in January. 170G. He showed
in boyhood a great p%recocity and eager
~ read whatever books he could lay his
hands on. His father wanted to send
him to Harvard and fit him for the min
istry. but felt that this he could not
afford in his straitened circumstances
and SO took him in to his W chambers
shop To teach him the trade. But
Franklin disliked the work, and so was
apprcnticed to his brother, who had a
printing office. In 1891 this brother be-
gan publishing the New England Cour-
n the third paper published in Bos-
ton. and Franklin contributed various
articles TO it. One of these on political
matters gave so much offenSe to the
authorities that the young author was
threatened with Imprisonment. He
thought it was a good time for him to
get out of Boston. and accordingly he
made his way to Philadelphia.
His journey 10 that city was attended
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10
She Stnnned the Car.

AS the cable cars left the LaSalle
street tunnel one day last week the tram
was brought 10 a sharp stop, While
there sounded in the Mortified passen-
gers ears the agonized cries OF a child.
1t was an intense relief to learn that
the baby wasn't under the car Wheels
but something else was under the car,
If not the wheels.
1t was her kitten.
The conductor saw the impending ira
gedy, and. as the little gray thlng
headed directly for the car, hat mace
an effort 10 save it.
The kitten could plainly be seen I'M
derneath the car, apparently unhur'
and looking about her as though much
interested in what she saw. Canes ana
umbrellas were thrust at her and man!
emphatic commands given, TO all oi
which Miss puss paid no attention.
The passengers enjoyed the joke az
first, and the cats young mistress was
consoled by many wOmanly, tendel
hearts, but when it seemed that tAV
kitten did not intend TO come out, those
in a hurry became impatient, n At
last it appeared that the only thins
left to do was 10 start the car anu
crush out the poor little kittens he.
Then it was that she suddenly VAIN
ed out with the satisfied air OF one WIZ
has mastered the intricacies OF the ca
BILE system and was soon clasped III hei
adoring mistress arms. while the capie
proceeded.-Chicago Times-Herald.
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10

The experiments now being made in
Western packlng-houSes are expected
to result in highly condensed animal
foods which soldiers can carry on
forced marches. Though frequently
useful. such foods are never likely 10
become popular, 1t has not been prov
ed that they are dangerous. but deaths
have followed their use often enough
TO suggest that they are liable To un-
dergo DISCRIMINATION not close enough
TO ordinary putrefaction To be easily
detected. Perhaps the suspicion is
wholly unjust. but there is no doubt
a limit beyond which dead animal
matter cannot be safely kept for food
under any process.
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10

Prof. Francis Wayland. dean Of Yale
law school. says that there was an er-
ror Of II co. in the report of his ad-
dress, in which he was represented as
saying that there were 5000. 900 habit
ual criminals of the train robber and
highwayman class at large in the init
ed States. He claims that his figures
were 100000. This does not help 1t
much. There is no such proportion Of
the criminal class at large compared
to the population of the United States,
from which the criminal classes are re-
cruited. This statement would make
II man in sixty a criminal at large,
which is as absurd a. the other, except
in degree.
The Dakota chief. (Gann Valley, Buffalo County, S.D.) 18??-1913, 1895-10-10

who drew up the Declaration of indie.
pendence which he ~afterward signed.
Later on he was a delegate to that as.
sembly which formed the constitution
of the United States.
AS a diplomat Franklin ranks de
servedly high. The Declaration OF In
dependence made foreign aid for this
country absolutely necessary and es-
pecially the aid of France, England's
great enemy No man in America was
so we'll fitted as Franklin to undertake
a mission to hat country. He had
a working knowledge of French and
Layin-a thing possessed by but few
Americans at that time-and moreover
he had a practical common sense and a
grasp Of affairs unequaled by any other
man. His work in France was most
brilliant. He managed to secure finan
cial aid for completing the war and
setting the government on its feet, and
finally secured the treaty of 1888, n of
the greatest triumphs of modern diplo-
macy. whereby both France and Eng
land were made friends of America.
From his early youth Franklin was
interested in scientific studies, and the
fruit Of these was seen in 1742 when he
invented a stove which was a marvel
Improvement on the methods then
employed for heating rooms. Ten years
later he showed, by mean Of a kite,
that lightning is a discharge Of cleo
tricity. and for this the Royal Society
awarded him a medal. Franklin began