Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1895-06-28
QUEER TELEGRAMS
furious Blunders Mado In Seudior
Death Notices.
'iii'era'S and Abscnt- Miudedness Rssnon.
N'f Tor Many OF the Funny Mes
sases That Are sent over
the Wires.

II may seem sacriicgious - ~ay that
many 81 'ne death kilograms sept
over the wires have grutr>aue side.
Het II - SO. lllitcracv accounts for
IMAM! "f these grew>uncly aInu,iur
announcements; the mental agitation
accompanying the loss Of relatives or
rl'lHs accounts for more hut Their. !,
-,."'""teuly Il certain percentage
amen are ridiculous in a CHASTITY fash
on because of actual hard-heartcdness
IN the part of the sender. 70 the last
lass. thinks the PHILADELPHIA Times.
peiohEs the telegram sent by a daugh-
Ter I" announce, with cheerful lcyity.
tiat Mamma kicked 1850 last night.
we VIII try to make burial on Mon
day. 1t was illiteracv. together with
a solemn sense that the occasion de-
ihanded something extra in the way of
emotional expression. that prompted
sorrowlng man to struggle over tele-
graph form for fifteen minutes and ii.
nally to hand to the receiving clerk a
message which briefly read: NY wife is
laing pointed ut dealt" From another
amlcted benedict went ont the cry: NV
White is wherry ill. Come now" and the
news that Ma is very bad with
amonia" must have carried sorrow with
II IN spite of its decidedly doubtful
photography and etymology One of
the commonest stumbling blocks in
spelling with the unlettered is illus
trated by the message which said sim
ply: "Our little boy died--cholerain
phantom" and the difficulties of rhe-
torical construction are plainly marked
in the telegram which read: George
is dying in haste answer"
Serene trust in the hereafter was
carried to an almost ludicrous extent
by the mourners, who telegraphed to
friends that Grandpa Jones peace
fully left for his Heavenly home this
morning" following it up by the very
practical remark that ANY sugges-
tons about the interment will be
thankfully received. Polly is dead
she ate Matches" left the curious op-
orator in doubt as to whether Polly
was the infant daughter of the house
or the beloved family parrot. and the
Geographic instruction to Give the
dear one decent burial and send bill'
was judicious mixture of properly
controlled feelings and truly Yankee
thrift.
Authorizations are dangerous arti-
Giles OF commerce at all times. but par
tlcularly so in the case of kilograms.
One individual failed to realize this,
and probably from mistaken desire
to economize, telegraphed to rela-
tives: Jane died yesterday. Fun at
two o'clock Sunday" 1t took some
time to realize that fun" was a con-
traction for 'fineral." One might al
most be forgiven for a spasm of un-
canny terror at a telegram reading:
Your mother is dead and wants YOU
to come home" and the anti-climax
OF seriousness seems to have been
reached by the man who telegraphed:
Ann Smith is dead. Not able to bury
herself"
Not many years ago a prominent
citizen OF a southern town died sudden
1y. The thoughts of northern friend
turned with sympathy toward the sur
viving members of the family, and it
entered his heart to telegraph his con-
dolences at once to the widow. I'm
fortunately he was an absent-minded
man, and being accustomed to commu.
nicate with his dead friend on mat.
tiers of business, the message as it
reached its destination read: ITO
John Smith. Please accept assurances
OF my sincere sympathy in your fiery
trial" Another lazy yet condolent
friend wired to q grief-stricken fam
lily: you all hare my profound SYM
pathy. but my presence would not add
any mitigation to your grief, the old
lady having departed"