Birmingham age-herald., 1895-05-26

 Bray will whistle "The Mocking Bird' inside of mammoth bird cage. Miss Vera Schrill will sing Where Is My Wandering Boy Tonight" To make the song realistic some one in the gallery will toss a small boy down on the stage just as the final words quiver on her lips. Mayor Lushton will make a few remarke and everybody will go home.
 We would not write the following facts had not our too enterprising devil published that letter last week from person signing herself Sal. Inasmuch as the said letter reflected upon our honor as a gentleman we shall lay the case before the public and let them judge whether we have sinned or been sinned against. The "Sal' in question is Miss Sloper, whom our old citizens will remember Aas the belle of Bungtown sor ciety some fifty years ago. She has seezS more summers and winters than we can count on the fingers and toes of our en- tire force, and her teeth are worn down to the gums. Her tongue is the only thing about her that has not long ago fallen into decay. There was fellow through here last fall with @ photograph. E You could talk into the machine and it would go right off and tell it. Miss Sloper started an oration in front of it one day, and in about three minutes the machine gave sort of gasp and fell to BleCeS, lu6 enll1G WOlhS hdNihS bCCL completely gummed up with words. Miss Soper has a temper like rattlesnake, and wears her finger nails long. Because, in the fullneSS of our heart, we took her to a couple of picnics and one or two blowouts around town, she thinks we ought to marry her. and threatens to sus us for breach of promise. Go ahead, dear old girl; we love you passonately, but can never be your wife.
 How It Came About.-Everything was running along as smoothly as greased cable car on the down grade. The grab bag was doing a big business. The wos men were selling chances on baby car riages, washing machines, watches and pistols as fast as they could hand them out. Even Mrs. Lushton, who was rop- ing in the public by selling half pint bags of peanuts for 20 cents per bag, looked contented with the volume of bus mess being done. The church festival was in full blast, and the packers were l making all kinds of money They would probably be the only people in town to- day With any Iicncy if Tim Everfull, Sam Judson, Bogy Crosseye and Ike Bray had not come in. Seeing the va rious games of chance going on, Tim sug- gested a game of poker. Ike yelled: What will it be-$1 ante?" Mrs. Lush ton, who was standing near, took Ike's remark as personal. She whirled around
 
 drunken sot," and she gave poor Ike a smash along side the head with her del icate little fist that laid him down to sleep. That started the row. The lights went out as soon as- the shooting com menced, and grand stampede followed No one was seriously hurt, except Ike, who is confined to his room with pair of optics into whose bright, cool depths the sun shines no more for the present Some of the ladies were very indignant over the way the boys acted, while others take 1t in good part, and are willing to overlook the little occurrence
 We want it understood right here that the editor of the Cyclone will not be re- sponsible for anything that appears in the women's edition. Any libel suits growing out of 1t will have to be watered and cared for by the ladies in charge. Each article will be signed by it's author, and if anybody's feelings are hurt they must look to the women for redress By that remark we do not mean anything indelicate We merely wish to avoid further trouble of our own by placing ourself on receord at once. This is posi- tive
 Bungtown has seventeen saloons.- Snortville Shore.
 We are sorry to see our Snortville con temporary misrepresent this city in it's first issue. Bungtown has twenty-three saloons. Will the Shore please set us right before it's readers?
 A tourist saw Bungtown a week or two ago. We took him around ourself, and proudly pointed out to him the 1 many scenes of interest. His admiration, as verbally expressed at the time, was something extravagant. He went into raptures over everything. He praised the architecture, the plan of the streets the unparalleled sidewalks, the magnifi- cence of the saloon fixtures, the superb churches-in short, he was the all-round- est off-handedeSt, complimentary cuss that ever came anywhere near this place. He even spoke of bringing his family on from Boston and taking up his residence here permanently. We gave this fellow good item when he left here. We spent an hour and three-quarters telling the people what a rattling good citizen he would make, and how he was strictly an1 emphatica1ly the easiest pleased piece of human mechanism that ever hunted for keyhole at a. m. All this is little painful to us when we look back at 1t now. Yesterday a copy of the Boston Hemisphere reached this office and the following are a few excerpts from a lengthy article therein, signed by our tourist and entitled, "The West, and Some Places Out There:"
 But throughout my entire journey I failed to find civilization so utterly ab- sent as in a small village known as Bung- town. stopped there two days, carry ing my pistol in my hand cooked, day and night. The editor of the only paper in that section-a rough ignorant and uncouth, but not wholly heartless man showed me about the place, and under his guidance I was steered into more low dives and encountered more genuine examples of western barbarism than I ever dreamed could exist in any land"
 "Bungtown's inhabitants are a lot of drunkards and murderers, who use their bowie knives with equal facility in carv- ing each other to pieces and in shoveling food down their threats"
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