The Roanoke daily times. (Roanoke, Va.) 1895-1897, 1895-09-27
HEAR AN ASSESSOR.
HE RELATES HIS EXPERIENCE AND
GIVES A BIT OF ADVICE.

His Pinno and Poverty Probien-A Parrot
That Was Cheap at Any Price-A Scene
In Upper Tcndom An Appeal For
Courtesy to tho Assessor.
When by telling tho truth an evil is
perpetrated, then it is wrong to tell the
truth. L suppose that is the reason SO
many people arc doing good by telling
1al6ehoods to personal property assess
ors. Tho writer is IL deputy assessor in
tho west town, and ut present he is COM
plllng Il book that is full of names and
iisures. The names arc all right, but
'ho man who said Figures can't lie"
never assessed personal property.
There are about so of us assessors,
who form i'll a line ut a. NJ, move up
to n window in Assessor Jacob M.
Horns west town office, Haymarket
Theater building, and get our books and
blank schedules. These calfskin covered
books contain u little map of some par
tlcular district in tho great West Side.
We move out to these districts and 10
to work. Tho town clerk registers our
oaths to faithfully perform the duties
OF an assessor, and the people we as
sess do the rest of the swearing. That
isn't all Sometimes they set the dog
on us and otherwise treat us us though
we were book agents. That makes the
assessor warm, and then he interviews
u neighbor regarding property that is
not accessible. And the consequence is
people who bounced" the assessor will
find valuation placed upon their prop
erty that will cause them to think there
is nothing certain but death and taxes.
Occasionally we find poverty and pi-
ano together. The piano is assessable,
and the poverty isn't. If you assess the
piano, you increase the poverty, and
there you are.
These incongruities come up, and I'M
less you have the wisdom of board of
equalization there is trouble Speaking
about this board, have an idea that
they will just about double the poor as
SCISSORS figures when they get down to
work. A keen assessor can locate every
piano i'll his district. If he docsn t hear
1T, everybody else i'll the neighborhood
has, and they tell him about it. 1 asked
n real nice looking lady the other day if
she had Il piano, and she said NO"
why, yes, mamma, we have" said
her little girl.
The mother said $50 into the house
this minute, you naughty girl How
dare you'll" And then the child knew she
had done something wrong She had
told the truth to nasty, mean assessor.
went into IL little candy store OIL tho
same street TO the woman behind the
counter L stated my business.
She replied Il am a poor widow. NV
God, what will I do?'' Tears flowed
down her checks, and she sobbcd as
though her heart would break. The as
SCISSOR felt SO mean that he sneaked out
without asking her name.
Even the parrots are down OH assess
ors A Latin street bird told the as
SCISSOR to go to - any number of times
while he was conducting the inquisito-
rial ceremony.
"That bird speaks very plainly" said
the writer
Just hear the dear fellow. He can
say - just as plainly as can I will
sell him for $15. There's bargain. f"
And tho lady meant every word she said.
a parrot that can cuss All assessor is dirt
cheap at any price.
This is how they do it on Ashland
boulevard:
Scene, front stoop of stone man.
sion. Dramatis personae, lady with
large diamonds in her ears. Negligce at
tire Assessor with book and an official
smile.
Lady-We are cleaning house today,
all topsy turvy, and you cannot come in.
Asscssor-Not at all necessary, nv
dear madam, that should go in. 1
have brought this book and my imagi-
nation along, and can see all that is
necessary. l see that this is Il beautiful
house, and the eye of my imagination
penetrates these walls. I see Il grand pi-
ano, statuary by Throwalsterc, paint
lngs by the old and new masters, tapes
tries from India, carpets from Turkey,
china from Dresden, bric-a-leac from
all parts Of the world-in Short, every
thing that Il lady of your exceptional
Judgment would uso i'll embellishing
such noble mansion.
Lady-Sir!
Assessor-While can hardly venture
to place valuation upon such treas
ures will be moderate and say $1O,-
900.
Lady-Doi it if you dare! Come in and
see.
The assessor went in and found his
mental picture scarcely overdrawn, but
the final courtesy caused slump in the
valuation.
Here is bit of advice to persons who
are inclined to resent the intrusion of
an assessor. The advice does not cost a
cent, but if you do not act upon it you
may be caused no end of trouble and
money also Throw yonr door ,rido o,,o,,