davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Van Buren press., 1895-09-28
ULSTER WIZ.
Some Sharp and shrewd Sayings Abeee
IL wffss@aa1 the Clergy. tst

Some Sharp and shrewd Sayings Absat
E r5fesea the Clergy. iEs5 H.
Some of the ministers Of Ulster have
possessed q large supply of genuine
Irish wit. and many stories are told OF
their bright sayings and doings. /.
Those who have seen an Irish jaunt-
ing car know that the passengers sit
on opposite sides, and that 1t is a mat
ter Of considerable Importance. both to
the springs Of the vehicle and to the
horse which draws 1t. that the car
should be as evenly balanced rs possi-
ble.T One Ulster minister always asked
clerical brethren seriously, before seat
ing two Of them in the jaunting car;
Now which OF you is the heavier
preacher" .,.,.i .,-,ssassss,., ~. f..,'
At one, time the Presbyterians Of
Ulster were discussing the Ignorance
and stupidity Of one Of their number,
whose blunders were constantly get
ting other people, ,sas well as himself,
into trouble. 2, 's4ss4 s4s',-i- = 7
And what a notion he has in his
head nowlr exclaimed one of the eld-
ers, in dismay.
sii"His headr' echoed one Of the minis-
ters. "He has no head! What you call a
head is only a topknot that his Maker
put there to keep him from .rayeling
out!.'' - ~. r-,.y So. =. l.,,z,
IN one case a minister who had q
very strong will usurped the functions
of sessions and committee, much to the
displeasure of his parishioners. One
Sunday, morning, rs this minister was
-trotting up to the meeting house on
his little pony, one Of his elders said to
another: .liQai- f9i sfls " h1lH ,s.i''''
o~Ite a fine wee pony the minister
rides. / =. ,.5-..... -, -,sS
ayes" responded the other. medi-
tatively; and its strang one, too.
1t can carry minister. session and com
mittee without tnrnin' g. hair
Youths Companion. fFa sisqsE -a
The Van Buren press., 1895-09-28
FlREslDE FRAol1Ehra

-Spiced Gooseterries six qd. $e
gooseberrics, nine pounds Of eaka<,s
cook one and one-half hours. then add
one pint Of vinegar, one teeqpccnful
ssch OF cloves. cinnamon and AtlWtes.
Boil few minutes When cold tt4y
should be like jam. Boil longer & lot
thick enough.-N. r. eLedger. a
;, Squash Custard Boil one aa1iQer
squash about thirty minutps until ten-
der; drain perfectly dry; preaa thRegeh
. colander; add to It two eggs we'll
beaten. quarter Of . cup cfi ieQRars
and four tahlespoenfuls Of ILL.,
Flavor with either lemUns o1oHaD8e-
Line = pie dish with plain pnats. pear
In the custard. and hake thirty mini
utes. .-Home eueenr@44 s III rHT
le--Tomato Soup Cook athoruoohlUa .
dozsn ripe tomatoes, and ada - pinehl
Of salt. - half teaspoon of hahiAg
soda, and . tabI1spooa 4febuteer.
Strain through colauder. (Theyi
should be cooked Ia eranite ~ Poree-|
lain. Tin or iron should never b ulod
for seid ftuitsl or avcgeiablss9 s.Heat
two Quarts Of milk. 10 which oadsa tdhr
cup OF bread or craclxef crumh4 0opvo
In hot dishes. with buttsr6d sdEet.
This will serve eight people. -Boston
Budget = =
e -RemovinlR, Stains and arssss spsfa
Il. For taking al stains 6ut q me
clothing. benzin6 applied in ctf4is
around the spot. working to the center
and spsnging OF. ., Take ont p9int
from a garment by wettina With hen-
zine. rubbing with : woolen cloth. then
wetting and rubbing again - IqaEe =
grease apot out Of delieste fahip.by
touching the spot with the yolk Of ~,
then laying q piece Of white EibhoAQaer
the spot, repeating with fresh wnfer
several timeA 1. Rnbss fruit stnin
With yellow soap. putting On Het
starch, and hanging In thesun eeeGeeA
days-Housekeeper. e'--' - s
Potato Croquettea =. Potato .ero-
quettes make 8 pretty dish % nerve
with cold meat Of any sort Th4X -
made from finely mashed 70
whipped with the yolks OF egRR pptai
very light. then seasoned With pepRfrs
salt, : little onion juice, eonea 1nely-
chopped parsley and fqrsher m6t9eeeDd
with little cream. When thesoaah-
" mixed heat Ina double lbutlEs I'D
when cool enough 70 handle forsh tAto
croquettes, dipin egg yolk and creclkeE
crumbs, and drop into bci1img Aerd-
When brown remove with tskln1hsrs
place for = moment on : aAest q 6kn
paper and then remove 70 = hot lese
ter; garnish with parsley and eefvy
The Van Buren press., 1895-09-28
3 eArHlNo BAeiEs
Uss Kisshsn Tabis nEfsfYs1R yo1n6 ! -
.ssA# Have Ea6o,. Els sEVfX

Uss KissAsn Tabis Efs GHs1R W6At -
.ssn# Have EaSss snsf8
Purchase kitchen table At any q
the shops where they deal ins hhuao>
hold goods These tablcsnsy b eoehd
In three sizes, ranging In pfioes 1fom
atty to. seventy<nve csnta They 10
we'll made pine tables, atted wfth ~
stantial legs and sp9cious 4lt9'Wof.
Tho second sise Ashould b chuheooeE
our purpose. A carpenter w0l H1e4lly
saw of the legs 70 . height r. tMa2Re'
inches, for the table y to- sseryaea =
platform to elevate the hathtd6 Wkenl
placed upon its top up ~ jpstv pasys
Comfortable height, toF Xxi &6t theE
when aseted y echais r. A.
the baby. without stoopinG. Afn6sos
6tra3n. lsssl "a s.taca aas9i 4fsi<sz
In the drswee sho0A eosia; ennleE
pleos for wash fags while tlfs'Gt6e|
spsces 1nAy be subdividtd tnto' eovtlok
ccinpastments These may 1ueoo1nl
powder. bo&es ard ba6S and; ;a4 G. ler
thing n ebsby's toilet1 Thee ss
provided, and the tabls ont ddW1 -
the proper height, the whole y -
readiness to'rscoive tho enbdali111hent
~ paint A c61t bfs oedtnAty Nollte
paint ah0Gld DO tppljSd AfAt. A6Cltstod
With one 81 Eu6iish 6HauatE ~
Awill bear naxny washinRs ~ tnla ~
wear without showing % Aceq4
White porcelain zc3 3lerp may - ~
adjusted beneath the SqF9 legA aQ& <he
little platform u eaaPlate IN aeR -.
The bathtub -plaeed ppon A1oiit99i Nill
leave = space Of htinchsG - nere
allaround, wherein my - - nenp
dish, powder box and all th6 1nokol
close At hand, which b % itsm Of n
mensN importsnos e znothsh U9hrae.
for the e1ferisfzeed know that eNey'1
bath h processiSs emery sepsftss
~ A useful and needed arttta6 80 Sduns
bination towel rack ttid pcfes1: s:.,. ~.
A ANAL wooden Slnt6 bore, 11so
to be purchased for hl1x : dollaf ~ ~
housesfurnishinR depqA r4intsd -
the direction given Aooyo
frame work. Each panal iehonld -
htted with q dainty dimityscuy4niu,
made radjus&able with tidy tal1eat q
that tAeys may not inlEoQu1ntly hAye
recourse to the laundry. Ih84 414nt
little screen VIII serve - reUetee ~
bath from draughts, and nj ig!te1
rungs viii be found = nSefd1 etosvel
rack, and may alsp hold beby's 3rssh
clothes ia readiness for the lminedlatl
dressing that y 70 follow ~ e.
Erery vcllordersd :, hyet<e ali4nlt
|. count at least four bath robes slfplJ
| large sqnsres Of the vsey ap1t9st ~ N<lk
ish toweling, bound about The pdgoI
with tspes.-Sk Louis Republips sA;sr
The Van Buren press., 1895-09-28
Gaining.


Judge Andrews, of Georgia, used to
tell an amusing story of the way in
which he was once taken down" by
one Of his audience during . political
sddress. He was a, candidate for gov
ernor of his state, and was explaining
to the crowd of people that had as
sembled. TO. hear him how his friends
had pressed him to be a candidate, and
that the office was seeking him; hewas
not seeking the Office. in fact" he
exclaimed, "the Office Of governor has
been following me for the last ten
years." At this point tall country
man to the rear of the audience rose.
'.But here's your consolation, judgew
he shouted. You're gainin on it all
the time! It'll never catch you!"
This cheering prophecy proved to be
quite correct, in spite of the mirth it
provoked at the time Of its utterance.
- Youths Ccmpanion-
The Van Buren press., 1895-09-28
I |. ror ,Apethss,s Grsstnesa,

i"
i''If it hadn't been for 'your Q6eeEyed
the shade OF Napoleon, aoonn1ine The
shade Of the duke Of Wenangtony Hha
world might have been mine r'
IssThat Is true. the Shade Of th9'lton
Duke complacently replied qneo
confess that l was too many f6E yoe- : e
"And yet," the emperor continued
'slook here" ~ .,x-.
Together they leaned over ths d9n1y
battlements- s f.e-A-,ss, l.,s.,l..x.- S
sObserve," Napoleon said W{H
broad, downward sweep Of Iii 9funs
s.thousanfls Of books. millions o& -
zines, portraits my own mother Nouldn1
recognize = the whole world taR1nG
Napoleon" - ~
"And what Of me. !" the duke saiias
"well," Napoleon patfonizinev ~
plied. nov and then You sSfs laenf
tioned-in foot note, may -;
Reaectiyely the duke ~ ! i! p {. w ~ lia on
turned sadly away.ns Is,s5t sesxsl,. #
s"And. TO think, Z he, ppt tters tfsrs
", s.that T. should Be rssRopSt "a -
this mans greatness. Wateriooloo
wssi"-Rockland tMe-) Tribune.
The Van Buren press., 1895-09-28
Mixed Metaphors.


The following choice bits of Journals
ism are credited to Tennessee news
paper. Perhaps It is better not to
specify more particularly. I'VE will
not enter into = controversy with the
Shiny, kissing wolf who tries to spit
venom from his forked tongue on the
editor of the -. The way to treat
such crawling yermin is to just let
them below" Miss Jennie Harlow,
who has been visiting friends in our
midst, he returned home We are al
ways glad to see her welcome pres
ence. She comes like ray of sun
shine to sweeten ye editors cup Of
eloem. Come again. Miss Jennie. :"
S.These pension vampires are sucking
life blood from the ship Of state. The
pale hand Of death staiked into our
midst las week, andsfsstened its cruel
eyes on little Mary pudley.
Companion.
The Van Buren press., 1895-09-28

The second war with Great Britain
began June is, 1912. and ended on Feb
ruary II, 1915. 1t involved the enlist
ment of AL, ,622 volunteers and the
service of $1,000 regulars, total OF
576,622.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat., 1895-02-09
SCHOOL AND CHURCH.

The Society Of Ethical Culture
claims organizations and 1,O64 MEM
bers.
The Friends of the Temple have I
churches, worth $751; ,Oeg. and $40 MEM
bers.
The Social Brethren claim 913 MEM
bers, and have 90 churches, valued at
IS, 700
The Christian Mission association
has IS churches, worth 5000, and has
554 members.
The Plymouth Brethren have 6,661
members who attend S14 churches, val
ued at S1,465.
divisions, with COS members and prop
erty valued at $500.
The German Evangelical synod has
s7o churches, worth S4,614, ,42O, and
membership of ls7, 1872.
The Christian union worships in
a94 buildings, valued at saS4, 45O, and
claims 1874 members.
The Congregationalists have 4,s6s
church buildings, worth IL, ,2O6, SIS, with
a membership of 512, III.
There are 5.IO2 Episcopal churches
in this country. having $40, 500 MEM
bers. Their church property is worth
$50, ,S35.41S.
-Sittings are free in forty-four out
of the eighty-three Protestant Epis-
copal churches and chapels of New
York city and the tendency is toward
an extension of the free-sest-system.
Trinity church and FIVE of it's chapels
have free sittings and the seats are
in most of the chapels attached to the
richer parishes.
"A son of Sir James Ferguson. Bart.
NJ. P, postmaster-general in the mar
quis of Salisbury's last government,
was sent to jail for year lately for set
ting fire twice to the school buildings
at Glen Almond, where he was study
ing. The boy, who is 16, pleaded
guilty, but his counsel tried to have
him let off on the ground of arrested
mental development
The students of the University of
Bologna, Italy, have been engaged in
a new industry, namely, that of fabri-
eating university testimonials. The
young men of this school had during
the past few years been living high,
and as consequence their grades were
low. As a result large percentage OF
applicants for degrees failed. The
students engaged an engraver named
Tatz in the Via degli Arifici to make a
seal for them containing the words
''Universita di Bologna" This, to-
gether with forged signatures of pro-
fessors and the rector, were used in
making diplomas and reports. Acci-
dentally the affair was discovered, and
the guilty parties arrested and placed
in the prison of Giovanni in Monte.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat., 1895-02-09
HUMOROUS.

A country cemetery has the follow
| ing notice over the gate: only the
dead who live in the parish are buried
here. e.'-Philadelphi Ledger.
Il never give anything to young,
healthy person." Beggar-''Do you
| expect me to become an old cripple
Just to suit you?"-Fliegende Blatter.
-Hicks-''And how did the fellow
look after the fight: serious, eh?"
Wicks-"Well, yes, he did wear rather
rapt expression.-Boston Transcript.
There is trouble in store for Long.
wed" Trouble in store?" Yes, or
in several of them. His wife gave him
a sample of dress-goods to match to-
day."-Buffalo Courier.
Handsome Englishwoman-"only
fancy l have found three gray hairs in
my headr' Polite Frenchman 80
long as they can be counted. madame,
they don't count. Pail Mall Budget.
-Cholly's allucination.-First Girl
-"Cholly is a nice boy. only he has so
much to say" Second Girl - NO,
that's just where his weak point lies.
He thinks he has. s."-Detroit FreePress.
-Griggs-''I say. old man. what's
good for insomnia? l haven't closed
my eyes for five nights" Colonel
You want to have a boxing match.
The first time l tried it, remember,
my eyes were closed for fortnight. ~
Tit-Bits.
Are you interested in golf, Mrs
jennings" asked young Simpkins,
after racking his brains for some time
for something to say. I'm not familiar
with his works at all" replied the old
lady. What has he written?"-Har-
per's Bazaar.
-Slobbs-''Did you hear how Wig
wag attempted to console that unsuc-
cessful auburn-haired author?7 Blobbs
No; let's hear it," Slobbs-"He told
him that there was some consolation
in the fact that even If his book wasn't
read his hair was. as."-Philadelphia Rec
ord.
Now. 4 bribe," said the states
man. "a bribe, as 1 take it" But
the roar of delighted interruption that
followed convinced him that further
remarks would not be listened to with
the respect due the utterances of .
man of his standing,-Cincinnati Tri-
bune.
Mamma" said the baby. what
are you soaking your feet for?" BE
cause my head aches, dear" The baby
was evidently puzzled, and remained
wrapt in thought for few minutesl
Then he broke the silence again
Mamma, if your feet ached would
you soak your head?"
"A lady was showing a visitor the
family portraits in the gallery. THAT
officer there, in uniform" she said.
was my neutrality-suspicious.. He
was as brave as lion, but one of the
most unfortunate of men. He never
fought battle in which he did not
have an arm or q leg carried away"
Then she added, proudly: He took
part in tweaty-four engagements."-
rt-Bits-
The Cape Girardeau Democrat., 1895-02-09
PERSONAL AND LITsRARY,

Charles y. Roberts, his wife and
FIVE children have arrived in Newark
y. j., from Texas, having walked near.
ly the entire distance an, being almost
year on the road.
B. L. Farjeon. the novelist. at.
tributes all the good fortune which
has been his to the luck-giving New
Zealand greensboro which he has car.
| rled for years on his watch chain.
Sir Isaac Newton. in his CONNER
taries on Daniel" says that the &c.
clesiastical festivals were originally
fixed at cardinal points in the year.
without reference to the dates of the
incidents, dates which it was impossi-
bic to ascertain.
Beatrice Harraden thinks that the
women of the United States have few
things to complain of, and she adnircs
their frankness, honesty, cleverness
and lack of affectation. She partic-
larly likes the way American girls
behave about men"
Ira Ward, born in Connecticut
April Q, 1896. and his wife Hannah
Graves Crumpton Ward, born in Yer
mont, October Il, 1897, are living on a
farm near New Hudson, Vt. They
were married November 16, 1877, sew
enty-seven years ago.
Prof. John Stuart Blacllie, the IA
nous author, is one of the sights of
Edinborough'. His active life runs
through three generations and at
ai HI he SS
viving so many famous men who were
his friends. he is justly called the last
o the Scots"
Foreign papers say that the report
that Mile. Helene Vacarescu, whose
broken engagement with the crown
prince of Roumania attracted world
wide attention, had been married is
erroneous. 1t seems that it was her
cousin, the daughter of the court-mar-
shall, 7. Vaearescu, who became the
wife of Paul Catargi.
Mrs. Isabella Beecher Hooker at
tributes her good health in her old age
to the fact that she employs an cleo
trical or magnetic masseur at least
twice a week. Mrs. Stowe has the
same treatment, and is strong in body.
though not in mind. 1t is a theory
with Mrs. Hooker that one can keep
young forever" in this way
Miss Emily Gerry. who died few
days ago, linked the days OF inde-
pendence with the present time. She
was the daughter of Elbridge Gerry,
signer of the Declaration of Ipde-
pendence, governor, vice-president, and
from whose name the word gerry
mander" was made, and was ninety
three years old, having been born when
her father was fifty-seven.
Writers of fiction should be careful
how they trifle with natural science.
One popular novelist described with
much eloquence tropical full moon,
and represented as occurring immedi-
ately afterward total eclipse of the
sun, an astronomical impossibility at
such a time. An American novelist
represents one of his characters as
pointing to a certain star in the course
of conversation, and names as the ex-
act date of the incident a day when
the star is visible in no part of the
earth.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat., 1895-02-09

The report of the committee upon
the state university goes into the
minutiae of conduct, condition and
needs. OF the administration. of which
so much has been said, the committee
writes:
Your committee gave three days TO a careful
thorough and patient investigation into every
department OF the university. its buildings its
property Of all kinds, its books its finances
in management and the conduct of its faculty
Since then the general assembly has visited
Columbia in body and gone hastily over the
ground travcrSed thoroughly by your commit
tee, and we believe this legislature will heart
lily lndorSe our report to the effect that the
state university was never before in such sat
isfactory condition: that it gives promises to-
day OF greater and more immediate accom-
plishments, and that in DR.. Richard ]. Jesse
and his able associates it has faculty which
VIII eventually place the institution in ld-
vance of any institution in the west or south.
Your committee had conference with Pres
idcnt Jesse, DR.. c. NJ. Woodward. president OF
the board Of curaiors: b. X. Canthorn and G.
B. Rollins. curatOrs, during which very free
and candid report was given Us of the govern
ment and internal control of the university.
Also from other sources Of information re-
celred. we take pleasure in teStifying TO the
careful. prcyident and diligent management
the earnest. devoted and continuous efforts Of
President Jesse. DR.. Woodward and the other
curators and the faculty TO maintain fully and
openly the high and honorable position
OF our chief stale institution OF education. Let
il be recorded that ~ this day the univer-
Slty of the state Of Missouri is nOn-partiSan.
nOn-SCctOnal and nOn-sectarian. The falling
off in the enrolment, as compared with that OF
last year. is readily explained in the di>cOn-
tinuance OF the preparatory department aS
IL I..-F Fs...- M
general assembly. The list of students of col
leSe Grade is greater than that of former years
and the doing away with the preparatory de-
partlEent has proven Of benefit to the UNI
verSity. The present enrolment is: Girls. 20:
young men. 3S3: total. H..
The system of bookkeeping and payment OF
claims in practice at the university IS worthy
OF special comncndatiOn.
The estimated resources of the university fol
1896 are S51 900. The estimated expenditures
for the ensuing two years are somewhat in ex-
cess of Sa0O0OO.
The Cape Girardeau Democrat., 1895-02-09

10 the Harlem up at the drawbridge,
what did he do, sir, but jump right off
the track. tear his throttle wide open,
and leap right into the river. There
was a hizzin' and a sizzin', and then
'twor all over. Yes, sir, and when the
wreckers got him out next day they
found his poor old boiler heart was
bust right in two"
We'll, that certainly is an eXtraOr-
binary story" said the new reporter.
'Jn fact l never heard of anything
mere wonderful, and, indeed, may
say, affecting. 1t only shows that even
in inanimate nature there may be what
they call depths of feeling. You know
that we cannot feel-that is, fathom.
And l remember now to have read
somewhere about engineers claiming
that their engines were creatures with
moods, and all that sort of thing. 1t
looks to me like a clear case of sui
eide, you know
There's not a doubt about it, sir.
They KEEP it very quiet, sir, because Mr..
Depew didn't want to have no bother
with the coroner. anAwhen your paper
publishes your story, sir, it will be the
first time it ever saw light. Why,
thanks. I'm sure, sir, I'm not in the
habit of receiving money for any little
yarn of this sort. However, I'll NIT re-
fuse. 1t will come in handy for cigars
to smoke on my next run. and when /
smoke I'll think of you, sir. Allow me
to present you with my card. It's a
little ragged and dirty, I'm afraid. ".
Raggles- Weary Raggles-is the name,
and if you don't see me anyone will tell
you where you will find me. A last
time for good luck? All right, sir, If
you say so. Sir, you're authc< and
q Rentleman-"-N. Y. SuA
The Cape Girardeau Democrat., 1895-02-09
REQUIREMENTS.
SCHOOL OF MINES.

| We found at the school of mines and metal
| lurgy (at RolIa) state OF facts which IN the
| opinion OF the committee demands action at the
! hands OF this general assembly.
For the past year and more. and during the
! incurpbcncy of the present executive commit
tee of that school, We found the accounts in ex-
| cellent condition, but prior to that time we can
| not speak highly OF the manner in which
| this branch of the duties OF the executive COM
| mittee had been performed. We found that il
| Is the practice Of this school to place ut the
| disposal of the director of the school 500 per
| aanum.to be expended by him at his discretion
without previous authority of the executive
committee. Without criticising the manner in
| which this money has been expended in the
past, we deem the practice perniciouS one
and without authority of law. and recommend
that it be discontinued. The committee ex-
! pected to find the new laboratory equipped
with a view to the development of the impor-
! tant resources of this state. which consists
largely OF iron. copper. lead and zinc. and were
| therefore surprised to find that nearly all of
the appropriation for the equipment of the
school had been expended IN such u manner as
to give the students practice in the cOncentra-
tion and Development Of gold and silver. rather
than those minerals in which this state j.
more particularly interested. and your commit
tee Is Of the opinion that this application of
that fund was unfortunate and that II could
have been much more prohtably expended in
eQulppiuS this branch or the school in such a
manner as to give the students more extensive
practice in ;he development OF those minerals
in which this state is more particularly inter-
eSted.
Your committee had expected to find at the
head of this school tcchnolOgist whose cduca-
tiOn or experience. or both, had peculiarly
fitted him for the duties which would naturally
devolve upon the executive head Of 4 school of
technology, just the same as it would have ex-
pected lawyer AZ the head of 4 law school,
and doctor as the dean of the faculty Of Il
medical college. and were somewhat surprised
to ind 1T the head of the faculty a bright
young tutor in mathematics, with apparently
no special qualifications in chemistry.
mineralogy, metallurgy or geology, or
any of the branches of study per-
tanning strictly to the technical course.
The attendance at the school is small, and per-
feet harmony does not seem to exist in the
faculty. and we think that the fact that this
school is under the control of the board of
curators of the state university does not tend
to bring about the best results from the amount
Of money expended. and would recommend
either that the school be removed to the site OF
the university proper at Columbia. or that it
be placed by law under the exclusive manage
ment of a separate board Of trustees, similar TO
those now governing the normal schools Of the
state