Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1895-10-02

S5irgiuia FREE gress.
Humorous.

SDOh cCul Ou AJHN w. W. SSNN
ing. told you 1 wanted plain cook"
"Who tuck de prize at de fancy ball, Miss
'Lindy ?" "Lizy Ann Jones. She had de
slebes oh her dress made laik watahmillions."
Hoax-There goes a man who once took
the nerve completely out of me. Joax-
What is he, fighter? Hoax-No; dentist.
Lady Customer lin china shop)-Do you
break these SEES? Deaier-No, madam; the
purchasers servants usually attend to that.
A novel is about to be issued with the
original title, "The Leg Pullers" 1t ought
to have a good run, and probably will be
bound in calf
Manchester-Young Mr.. Staggers is
hard drinker, isn't he? Birmiugham-NOt
at all. He drinks more easily than any 9TH
er man | know.
He Smoking And what is your opinion
of the deadly cigarette?" She looking
him over)-They are not half as deadly as
they oughtto be.
She-They call this play with a moral.
l wonder what it is He thinking of the
price for seals 1.-THE fool and his money
are soon parted" l guess.
Tipple-I see that Maud and Ned have
broken off their engagement. Sibyl-How
perfectly dreadful How did it happen ?
Tipple-They got married.
"Do you sell anything besides gloves
here ?" asked the smart youth of the sales
woman. ooh, yes" she answered pleasant
ly; Sometimes We sell spoons.
"Haye you got a good laundryman ?"
illustrate He brought me seven collars
last week that didn't belong to me, besides
my own, and they are all my size"
The Candy Butcher-The glass eaters got
cholera morbus. The Zulu Chieftain-
Serves him right He ought to know enough
to let green bottles alone this time of years.
She lcoldly)-I hardly know how toreceive
your proposal. You know | am worth a
million, of course. He (diplomatically-les
Worth million other girls. She (raptu
rously)-Oh, Jack
He ION the piazza)-It's so dark can't
see. Isn't that another couple next to Us =?
She-Yes; and he's trying to kiss her. He
Can you see 50 we'll as that? She-Oh,
no. But | know who she is with.
"Tve bought bulldog" said Parsniff to
his friend Lessup, "and l want motto to
put over his kennel. Can you think of some
thing" "Why not use a dentist sign,
Teeth inserted here ?'' suggested Le'sup.
Jinks-No use working myself to death
any longer I'm going to become a Wall
street operator. Wnks Well, I'll sell you
my seat in the Stock Exchange for $4,000.
Jinks-Huh can get seat in Congress
for half that
Mrs. Fogg-Oh, yes, Miss Della Sart il
fine elocutioni-t She reads so naturally and
every word is uttered with such distinctneSs
Mr. Fogg-H'm Reads distinctly and nat
uralIy does she? Well, all I've got to say
il, she's no elocutionist
Justice What plea do you make to the
charge of running this man down: Wheel
man-Purely accidental Your Honor
Justice-And the evidence? Wheelmau-
Look how thin he is; could any amateur
cyclist hit him the first time?
MY dear daughter" said Mr.. Dukane,
SIS Mr.. Norhside young man of regular
habits ?" ooh, yes, pap" replied Miss Du-
kane earnestly. "He calls regularly every
Tuesday and Friday evenings, and hasn't
missed for ever and every so long"
"Haw," said the son of Britain. "Wbile
you fellaws heah run for Office, we in the old
country merely stand. We have more dig
nifty, you know" Yes" answered the i'm
pertinent American, "and while our candi
dates merely dodge issues, yours dodge
bricks"
Mr.. Younghubbe-Don you think, my
dear. that you cook twice as much as we
need Mrs. Younghubbe (artlessly)-I did
it on purpose darling; | want to try some
of those "Huts for Housekeepers-How to
make dainty dishes from what was left oyer
from Yesterday"
at cost me $50 to ascend Mount Blanc"
said the man who has travelled in Europe
''You know the law requires that one shall
be accompanied by two guides and porter"
"Oh," said the man who travelled in sleep
ing cars, 81 to the guides and SAG to the
porter, | suppose"
THAT will be 80 cents, sir, said the den
fist to Farmer Sassafras, who was about to
leave wi hout defraying the cost of having
tooth pulled. why, my daughter read in
the paper that YOU extracted teeth without
payin'. That's why | came here" Some
persons read THE FREE Press same way
They think its free.
Il am very lonely" said the yiyacious
girl; my brother is collecting postage
stamps and my sister is so busy collecting
magazine posters that | see scarcely any
thing of her What have you been doing ?"
'I?" said Cholly, somewhat sternly; Il
have been collecting my thoughts" Dear