Kansas City daily journal. [volume] (Kansas City, Mo.) 1892-1897, 1895-10-07
ODD SLIPS OF The TONGUE.
INSTANCES IN which THE srEAKEr
rUT MS roof IN 1T.
some OF the Humorous Things That Wcr,
Much Beuet Lett tnsaid-An Interest.
Ing Collection of Unexpected
R.Joindcrs.

/
II beg your pardon. madam, bat you
| are situug on my nat exclaimed gen.
! teman oh, pray excuse me, 1 tnougnt
| 1t Was my husband 5, was the uneN-
| pected reply,
In another Instance of conjugai amcnI.
! Ties "A wife said to her husband: "a saw
Mrs. Becker TINS morning and she COM
planned that on the occasion of her last
visit you were rude TO her, that she
Thought she must have offended you BE
Nothing OF the Kind, he answered. "On
the contrary, | like ner very much; but
II was rather dark at the time. and
when | entered the room at first |
thought 1t was you"
Poor Johnnie was Kind and for
bearing husband" sohhed Johns widow
on her return from the funeral. "Nes.
said sympathi2ing neiEhbor; but II
is all for the best. You must try 10
console yourself my dear with the
thought that your husband is a peace at
last
a gentleman had accompanied friend
home to dinner. and as they seated
themselves at tho table the hostess re
marked: ~ trust you will make allow
ances Mr., Blankley NV servant left
me Unexpectedly and / was compelled
TO cook the dinner myself" "Oh. GER
tainly, my dear madam. certainly" re-
sponded the guest with great emphasis.
II can put up with anything"
Another amusing slip took the form Of
an unhappy after-dinuer speech. There
was an entertainment given by an earl
who was deservcdly popular 1t was
extremely handsome and champagne
flowed freely. The old gentleman rose
to propose toast He spoke with ilu-
ency, but somehow he said exactly the
opposite to what he meant. Il feel
said he. that for plain country squire
like myself to address this learned COM
rany is indeed to- cast pearls before
swine Never was SO successful q
speech made The company applauded
vociferousy and as though they would
Now, Miss Brown" said an earnest
listener. won't you play something for
u.s." NO, thank you," said the lady;
I'd rather hear Mr.. Jones" Earnest list
euer; 80 would l. but'-Iere he was
stopped by the expression on the young
lady's face; and he looked confused for
half an hour after she had Indignantly
turned and left him.
\ person who was recently called into
court for the purpose of proving the cor
rectness of a surgeons bill was asked
whether the doctor did not make several
visits after the patient was out Of dan
ger mo" replied the witness, II consid-
cred the patient in danger as long as
the doctor continued his visits
y physician walking with friend
said to him, Let us avoid that pretty
little woman You see there on the left.
She kuOwns me. and casts on me looks
of Indignation. | attended her husand."
"Ah | understand. You had the mis-
fortune 10 dispatch him." was the re-
mark that slipped out "On the con
trary." replied the doctor, II saved him.
A guest at a country inn exclaimed,
81 say, landlord your food is worse
than ii was last year, Impossible,
sir" was the rather ambiguous reply
of the landlord.
why" said counsel to a witness,
ARE you SO very precise in your state
ment? Are you afraid Of telling an un-
TRUTH" Witness promptly: NO. sir
At a recent inquiry into the sanity Of
a young man of large property, witness
es were being called TO prove that he was
unit to manage his affairs. \ curious
slip was made by the schoolmaster when
asked If he had formed any opinion as
To the state Of mind of the alleged
lunatic. "Oh, yes he replied; II can
certify he is an idiot He was one of
my taVorite pupils"
Il have met this man" said a lawyer
with extreme severity, lin a great many
places where ! would be ashamed to be
seen myself" and then he paused and
looked with astonishment at the smiling
court and jury.
Here are "A few other instances of
something very like putting ones foot
in it: The legislature of Western
state, having a bin under consideration
for the regulation of tax collectors, an
honorable member got upon his feet and
said: Mr.. Speaker, | go in heavy for
that bill. The tax collectors are all set
Of knaves. | was one of them myself
for ten years" The bill passed.
"How are YOU getting on in your new
place." asked a lady of a girl whom she
had recommended for situation. Very
well, thanks" II am glad TO hear it
said the lady "Your employer is nice
person and YOU cannot do too much for
her" Il don't mean TO, ma'am,' was the
innocent reply.
Here is a naive declaration from the
prospectus OF a weekly paper: THE
staff, with the exception of the editor
has been very carefully selected and
deserves To secure success"
A California newspaper is said to have
been sued for libel by a widow for speak
ing of her deceased husband as "havinG
gone to a happier home"
Dear sir" said an amateur farmer
just from the country writing to the
secretary of an agricultural society, put
me down on your list of cattle for "A
calf"
a certain caravan orator at fair,
after a long yarn descriptive of what
was to be seen on the inside, wound up
by saying: step in, gentlemen, step in,
Take my word for it, You will be highly
delighted when you come out"
"Allow me- madam To congratulate
you on your acquaintance with that
charming young lady" said a gallant
Hungarian she is young, beautiful and
intelligent" "Oh certainly" replied the
lady "but don't YOU think she is a trife
conceited?" "Why, madam Just put
yourself i'm her place and would you
not he conceited. too?" was the rather
startling comment.
This social slip Is even worse, 4 city
man complained bitterly Of the conduct
Of his son. He related at length TO an
you should sneak to him with frmuess
and recall him 10 his duty" said the
friend "But he pays not the least at
tention to what / say: he listens only
to the advice of fools | wish you would
talk to him"