Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1895-04-03
Sirsiuia free gress.
Humorous.

"When preached matrimony she dis
missed the subject with word" "What
did she say p "Yes."
Shelf there's one thing hate, IFS being
photographed He-Yes, dear, it must be
hard for you to look pleasant.
She from a book A womau's brain de-
cines in weight after she is 80 He-How
do they know? | thought woman never
got to be 80.
First American Cilizen-DOes she love
music? Second American CiIizen-She
thinks she does. That's why the neigbbors
don't love her?
Lawyer-Then understand you to swear,
witness, that the parties came to high words?
Witne,s-No, sir; wot | say is. The words
was particularly low.
Hardup-Tm broke. and my landlady
tells me | must settle up or leave. DE
Stoney--Lucky devil. Ny landlady says |
can't leave until settle up
"The nearest ever came to being mar
ried, :" said the old bachelor, 'was wnen a
shopkeeper gave me bad so cent piece, and
went back aud tried to get a better half"
"Well, if she don't cook to please you why
don't you give her a regular blowing up"
She-That's Just what am going to do. l
ordered a gallon of kerosene this morning.
The Parvenu-Yes, l enjoyed that tenor
at the opera. The Lady-what did you find
to admire in his work The Parvenu-The
wav he fought with the bass in the third
act.
Kate cannot believe that Mr.. Gayboy
is so bad man. His wife says that other
people don't know him as she does. Harry
Yes: but then his wife doesn't know him
as others do.
GLOW was the Colonel's banquet speech ?"
"Didn't make any. 1t was laid on the ia
ble." "Aud the Colonel?' "Well, as we
couldn't get everything on the table, we put
the Colonel under it"
Blanks-River, what would you do if you
had promised a lot Of college boys to help
them get up a new yell? RiverS-I'd read up
on the war news from China and Japan and
then put in an evening at dog show.
Sunday School Superinlendent-Now
who WAS it that YVES despoiled by bis brelh
rem of his ranmeut and afterward became
the kings most trusted adviser? Johnny
who reads the papers Iii Hung Chang.
Young Hostess-You are a wonderful
master of the piano, | hear. Prof. Won
Speler thired for tho occasion l play ag-
compartments sometimes. "AccompIni-
ments to singine?'" "Aggompaniments to
conversation"
GLOW many characters are there in your
play?" asked the manager. Characters p
asked the astonished drsmatist Didn't
Just tell you thi, is an up.to date drama
Not single person in the piece has even a
shred of character
Dialogues Of the uture,-Master-Oh-
will you get mo my boots; Maid-If what
Master-Oh-ify you please. Maid-If you
please what? Msster-Will you kindly get
me my boots, if you please, Miss? Maid
That better. No, won't.
You made slight mistake in my poem
this morning" said the poet Sorry" re.
piled the editor. what was it?" "Well,
wrote The clouds hung marky Ger the
west and you made me say: The crowd:
hung turkey DER my desk ="
An old msu went into a life insurance Of
fee and asked 10 be insured The company
asked his age. His reply was ninety four
"Why, my good man, we cannot insure you, u
said the company "Why not" he de.
manded. "Why, you are ninety-four year,
old" "What of that? ?" the old man cried.
Look at statistics and they tell you that
fewer men die at ninety four than any 9TH
er age