The Wilmington daily Republican. (Wilmington, Del.) 1890-1902, 1895-09-18
SOME psuAks.


Unsxid. N.
~ beg your pardon, madam, but you
are sitting on my hat" exG,s lined gon-
tleman. "Oh, pray excuse me. thought
1t was my husbands, was the unexpected
reply. In another instance OF conjugal
amenities wife said to her husband, ~
saw Mrs. Becker this morning and she
complained that on the occasion of her last
visit you were 90 rude to her that she
thought she must have offended you.n
"Nothing OF the kind, no answercd. son
the contrary, like hor very much, but 1t
was rather dark ut the time, and when
entered the room at first thought 1t was
YOU"
Poor John, he was kind and forbear-
Ing husband, " sobbed Johns widow on
her return from the funeral "Yos," said
sympathizing neighbour, "but 1t Is all for
the best You must try to console your
self, my dear, with the thought that your
husband Is at peace at last"
A gentleman had accompanied friend
home to dinner, and as they seated thcm-
selves OF the table the hostess remarked.
II trust that you Will make allowances
Mr.. Blankley. My servant loft me uncx-
pectedly, and was compelled to asok the
dinner myself" "Oh, certainly, my dear
madam, certainly" responded tho guest,
with great emphasis 81 can put up with
anything"
Another AMUSING slip took the form Of
an unhappy after dinner speech. There
was an entertainment given by an earl do
servedly popular. 1t was extremely hand
some, and champagne flowed freely. The
evening was well advanced when be-
nignant old gentleman rose to propose
toast. He spoke with fuenoy, but some-
no, f,o ratd Ix
he meant. ~ feel, said he, that for
plain country squire like myself to address
this learned company is indeed to cast
pearls before swine" Never was SO sue
vessful speech made. He could get no
further for many minutes. Tho company
applauded vociferously and as though they
would mover cease,
"Now, Miss Brown" said an earnest
listener, "won't you play something for
usp" "No, thank YOU" snld the lady.
"1'd rather hear Mr.. Jones'" Earnest lis
tener, $50 would i, butt Here he was
stopped by the expression on the young
lady's face and he looked confused for
half an hour after sho had Indignantly
turned and left him. A person who was
recently called into court for the purpose
OF proving tho correctness OF surgeons
bill was asked whether the doctor did not
make several visits after tho patient was
out of danger. "No, " replied the witness,
81 considered the patient In danger as
long as the doctor continued his visits"
A physician walking with friond said
to him: !" Let us avoid that pretty little
woman you see there on the left She
knows me and casts on mo looks of indig-
nation. attended her husband" "Ah,
] understand. You had the misfortune to
dispatch him." was the remark that slip
ttny tha. - ind
doctor, 1T saved himl" A guest ct ooun-
try inn exclaimed, ~ say, landlord, your
food is worse than 1t was last year. I'm
possible, sir, !" WINS the rather ambiguous
reply Of tho landlord. "Why," said a
counsel to a witness, "are you SO worry pre-
else in your statement Are you afraid of
telling an untruthf' Witness (promptly),
"No, sir" At recent inquiry into the
sanity of a young man of large property,
witnesses wero being called to prove that
he was unfit to manage his affairs. A
curious slip was made by sohoolmaster
when asked II he had formed any opinion
as to the state Of mind Of the alleged luna
tic. ooh, yes" he replied. ~ can cer-
tify he is an idiot. He was one Of my ia.
vorite pupils" II have met this man."
said q lawyer, with extreme severity "in
great many places where / would be
ashamed to be seen myself" And then he
paused and looked with astonishment at
the smiling court and jury.
Here are few other instances OF some-
thing very like putting ones foot in 1t.
The legislature of western state having
bill under consideration fer tho regula-
ton of tax collectors, an honorable men,
Der got upon his feet and snid: "Mr. Speak
or, / go In heavy for that bill The tax
collectors are all set of knaves / was
tpycalf ffp tpn - Tho Hill
"How are you getting on In your new
placer" asked lady OF girl whom she
had recommended for a situation. Every
well, thanks" II am glad to hear of it,"
said the lady. "Your employer is a nice
person, and you cannot do too much for
her" ~ don't mean to- ma am, " was the
innocent reply.
Here Is a naive declaration from the
prospectus Of weekly paper, 1.-The staff,
with the exception of the editor, has beon
very carefully selected and deserves to So
cure success" A Californian newspaper
is said to havo been sued for libel by
widow for speaking of her deceased hus-
band ms having "gone to q happier horne"
Dear sir, said an amateur farmer Just
from the country, writing to the secretary
of an agricultural society, put me down
on your list of cattle for q calf" A cor
tain caravan orator at q fair after u long
yarn descriptive of what was to be seen In
side wound up by saying: "Step in, gen
tlomen, step inl Take my word for it,
you will be highly delighted whom you
come out. 4" ALLOW me, madam, to con.
grutulate you on your acquaintance with
that charming lady, said gallant Hun.
garian. "She is young, beautiful and in.
telligent," ''Oh, certainly" replied the
lady, "but don't you think she is triae
conceitedP" Why, INDIAN, just put your
self in her place and, say, would you not
be oOnceitod, tooP" was the rather startling
comment.
This social slip is even worse: A city
man complained bitterly Of tho conduct of
his son. He related at length to AN old
friend all the young mans eseapados
"You should speak to him with flrmness
and recall him to his duty" said the
friend "But he pays not the lenst atten-
ton to what say. He listens only to the
idyico of fools. wish you would talk to
tm. "-Exohange.
The QuIck Suicide.