The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1895-03-06
WIT AND HUMOR.

when the past is the only comfort-the
present being disagreeable and the
future uncertain.-M MLUautee Journal.
Mrs. YoungSport-Wh fine deliv-
cry the new minister has. Mr.. Young
sport-Yes he ought to have. He was
crack pitcher on the university ball
team for three years. Truth.
Three times this week to see the
same opera; didn't you feel rather
bored?" 20, dear, no; we said dis
agreeable things about different people
each time.-Los angeles Times.
Tramp-Madam. will yer please give
a hungry man something to eat? Mad
am-Wil you saw wood? Tramp
Yes, mum; won't mention it to 4 liv-
ing soul, pom me honor Brooklyn
Eagle.
Old Mr.. Goodfello-Little boy, can
you tell me the way to the ferry?
Gamia-Yassir; jus follow the street
along where you hear the teamsters
usin' the wust langwidg ge, = Harper's
Bd=dr.
Smithers-Brown. you are we'll
read man. What do you think is the
greatest thing about this world? Brown
W bC ttSC11dlOs kClIlluCIS, L
think it's the circumference.-Ada
Freeman.
Manager - I'm afraid your melo-
drama will not answer. Author
Would you mind saying in what re-
spect You consider it defective? Man
ager-The incidents are not sufficiently
improbable.-Lye.
Miss Fan de Syckle-Who was it said
"the hand that rocks the cradle is the
hand that rules the world?" Mrs Strong
mind-I don't know. But, anyway, no
one pays any attention to anything said
of the men nowadays.-Judge.
what are you writing, HawleyP"
"A story; I'm going in for fiction.
Really? For magazine?" NO; for
my tailor. He wants his money, and
Tn telling him I'll send him check
next week. k."-Harper'S Bazor.
Mrs. Homespun-I don't think this
can be one of the important pictures,
John. Mr.. Homespun - Why not?
Mrs. Homespun-Why, anybody can
see at the very glance just what it rep
resents. !SOnaermille Journal.
Affable Stranger-I am a dealer in
plumbers supplies, and l called to see
if we couldn't do some business today.
The Polite Plumber-I'm afraid not,
sir. I have all the billheads l can use
for some time to come.-LJe.
The new preacher was indulging in
rhapsodies over the glories of the New
Jerusalem. Little Johnny listened to
him for quite while. He then whis-
pered to his mother: Mamma, is he
an advance agent. boston transcript.
They say when the critics got
through with Scribbem's new play it
didn't have a leg to stand on" "Humph!
They must have worked mighty hard.
saw it the first night and it wasn't
anything much but legs. "--BWfdio Cou7'-
ier.
Tom is SO very punctillious, and in
this case was especially anxious about
producing a good impression. But the
florist made the mistake of sending with
the roses the card that bore the in
scription: DO the best you can for
S2."-L1e.
Miss Youngbride-I have not the
slightest idea how the wedding service
begins. I'll have to look it up Her
intended (glancing with admiration at
the wedding gifts)-Why not start off,
Know all men by these presents?"-
Harlem Life.
When women fool with chickens it is
with the common kind that lay eggs
often Men will not have anything to
do with chickens that are not pure
breed. A woman can make more mon
ey out of three plain chickens than a
man will with twenty thoroughbreds.-
e -4tchtson Globe.
Rambling Raggy-Will yer please
give me dime, sir, to get suthin' to
eat? Citizen-What can you get for a
dime? r. RI kin get plate of hash
for a nickel. sir. C.-What do you
want with the other five cents? r. r.
That, sir, is fur tip fur the waiter.
N Y. Press.
John" said the good old lady, y
guess I'll hev to get out the old loom
carpet to kiver her floors. She says in
the letter jist got that all the floors in
her new house are stained. Them keer.
less city servants done it, | guess
Cincinnati Tribune.
Nice Old Lady-Will you kindly tel
me if the lady who writes the Mothers
Page" in your paper is in? want tc
tell her how much enjoyed reading
her article on "The Evening Hours in
the Nursery" Office Boy-That's him
over there wild de pink shirt, smokin' 8
cigaroot.- Washington Star.
81 sell all my periodicals with ol
without, said the train boy to the trav
eler. Regular price with; double price
without" with or without What?'
asked the puzzled traveller. "Thost
without have all reference to TrilbJ
eliminated" The grateful CUSTOMER
took his without. Detroit Free Press
Hiiinks (sarcastically)-I suppose i
misfortune should overtake us we coVlC
live comfortably for year on money
derived from the sale of material from
some of your sleeves. Mrs. Hijink
(sweetly) dear; added to wha
we'd get by disposing of the cloth in th'
tails of two or three of your coats
Buffalo Courier.
That's the seventh time this morn
ing" said the shoe merchant, as Gus
toner left the store, that you told nj
in a tone of voice that couldn't escape be
ing overheard that woman reminded
you of 'Trilby." Yes, replied the neV
CLERK, anu JQdI 5 bue SeNOHtH WOnaI
that I've sold pair of shoes to-
Washington Star.
Little Cadby Ono one knows how h
managed to get into the club) to Oh
and Popular Member say old chap,
want you to put your name down for
friend of mine who's up for election
Old Member-What's he done? Littl
Cadby-Well, he once saved my life
Old Member should't tell anybody
if were you!-PaH Mall Budget.
Il see that new figure has been in
troduced in the cotillon." what
that?" why, the gentlemen have
foil duel with powder puffs on the ends
and the fellow who first puts spot O
the others coat has the choice of ladies.
We'll, it strikes me that some of tn
boys will have to brush up before goini
into the dance. ."-AttGnta Journal
They stood and looked at her. ID
you not" they asked want to be lad
when you are grown up?" The chill
gazed into their faces wonderingly