The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1895-11-07
wIGGLEWORTH'S LADDER.
He Expected to Do Great Things with It
Sad Ending

a SaO EnO1nSs
The vagrant autumn winds, ruthlessly
rending the dying leaves from their
boughs, whirled them dizzily aloft and
then went away, leaving the larger part
of them lying in the cutters of Mr.. Wig
glesworth's house. Then followed the
driving rains and the leaves, in sodden
masses, packed themselves closer and rem
dered the cutters quite obsolete.
What was the surprise of Mrs. Wiggles-
worth on looking out of the window to
see her husband lacking up tho street I'M
der the discouragfng weight of 80 foot
ladder His hat was damned severely on
the back of his head, an angry light played
upon his features, and his wife could read,
even at that distance, that all had not
gone we'll with the ladder. Even as she
gazed, with amazement browning her Wis
age, the autumn breeze caught at one end
of the ladder and thrust it about so that
its other end picked off the bonnet and top
hair of woman who on her way to
the postoffice, and who instantly emitted
a startled scream, whereupOn Mr.. Wiggles-
worth whirled the ladder around Just in
the nick of time to project it into the
stomach of fat gentleman, whose breath
it instantly shot out of him with loud
WOOL
Mrs. Wigglesworth could easily discern
these particulars, and her Imagination
supplied the language of the fierce alter
cation that Immediately ensued. Full of
kindly interest for her husband she rushed
to the front door.
why, EIleryi" she cried in voice
charged with sympathy, what have you
got there?''
'sWhat We s'pose it isl" retorted Mr..
Wigglesworth who at that moment had
the ladder involved in the gate, where it
caught in seven or eight different places
at once. E'Think it's a soda fountain,
don't ye? Looks like a horseless wagon
prob'ly?"
II see that it's a ladder said Mrs.
Wigglesworth in q placating tone, "but
what are you going to do with it?''
What does anybody do with ladder?'
snarled Mr.. Wigglesworth, MASKING a
picket out of the gate, and then, as the lad
der suddenly fetched loose, staggering vio-
lently into the yard and poking out eel
lar window. ''Going TO use it to sift ashes
with, of course Wha' d ye s'pose 1 got it
for, TO wear to n masquerade ball?''
Throwing the ladder to the ground
and kicking it once or twice as a relief to
his feelings, Mr.. WiggieswoHh pulled his
necktie of his shoulder and took a critical
survey of the house caves.
First thing he said when his breath
had got to playing regularly through his
! lungs, sis to hist the thing up
GU WANT 10 get TlSDb unQ6r II anu
keep pushing" suggested Mrs. Wiggles-
worth.
That's it, returned her husband,
''ye hit it first time. How to Find
Out Things by Mrs. Wigglesworth, for
the use of wives who want to make home
attractive in spite of themselves. -
Grasping the ladder at one end, he raised
it above his head and walked slowly under
it until its weight became excessive.
L1I l, -io1
'Want to see the thing fall and cave in
my head?''
Mrs. Wigglesworth promptly lent assist
ance, and the instant her husband felt the
relief he took down his own benulnbed
arms and caressod them. Mrs. Wiggles-
worth endured the burden for a few brief
seconds and then, with a loud cry, dropped
her hold and jumped away. The ladder,
Gathering downward, scraped closely to
Mr.. Wigglesworth' IS ear and nearly broke
off one of his shoulders.
When no had recovered, they called the
hired girl. Mrs. Wigglesworth was shown
how to rest her weight upon one end of
the ladder, while Mr.. Wigglesworth and
Imogene should begin at the other end and
by slow progression raise it against the
side of the house.
Lift Lift" grunted Mr.. Wiggles-
worth to the hired girl Don't leave it
all for me to do!''
''It's beginning to lift at this end"
called Mrs. Wigglesworth in agitation.
''Well hold it still, bawled her hus
band.
81 can'tI' screamed Mrs. Wigglesworth,
and then, to ner horror, she felt herself
slowly rising from the ground.
Mr.. Wigglesworth and Imogene, having
penetrated beyond the center of gravity,
acted as u fulcrum, and the longer end of
the ladder, following the law of physics,
trailcd downward, lifting Mrs. Wiggles
worth at the opposite extremity. The
weight pressed awfulIy upon Mr.. Wiggles-
worth, but he dared not loose his hold for
fear it all might come down upon him in
disaster. Then he noticed his wife.
''Get off that ladderl' he yelled. "What
ye doing up there?'
Il can't help it, Ellery!'' screamed
Mrs. Wigglesworth, gripping tenaciously
at the rounds. ''Oh do let me DOWN.
''Let ye DOWN. howled Mr.. Wiggles-
worth. 'How ye s'pose I'm stopping ye?
Boost, can't yep he Kissed to the hired
girl, who with eyes stonily set in her
head, held aloft pair of red arms that
never WINGED nor faltered.
Staggering about in this painful fash
ion. seesaw motion was communicated
to the ladder, and Mrs. Wigglesworth bob
bed slowly up and down like an old fash
Toned pair Of steelyards.
''Quit that teeteringp' shouted Mr..
Wigglesworth, the veins of whose neck
were getting ready to burst and run all
over his wilted collar. What ye think
this is, a game? Reckon it's a Sunday
school picnic, don't YEP
These observations seemed to be forced
out of him explosively, as he trod up and
down the soggy lawn People going by
had to stop, astounded to sec man and
woman balancing ladder above their
heads for no ostensible reason and another
woman bobbing away upon one end of it
and screaming. A crowd of these people
now lined the fence, and some of them
even volunteered advice.
II wouldn't stay up there any longer"
kindly ventured a benevolent looking
man NThat rocking motion is certain to