Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1895-08-12
HUMOR OF THE DAY.


Washington Star.
Ransom-"Women are welded to
fashion," Ramson-"Yes, and they
love, honor and obey it, too. Tit
Bits.
Man with the gloomy liver,
Cease TO deplore thy fate;
Get out toward the river
And go to digging bait
Atlanta Constitution.
Kate Field tells the girl graduates
that cooking is the alphabet of their
happiness Many of them never get
any further than let her be.-Lowell
Courier
Tommy's Pop-'Why is it the little
boy who lives across tho street seems
to have no friends?" Tommy-"Why,
his fathers baseball umpire. -
Philadelphia Record.
Casey made Mulligan fall
off de ladder? Did his fut shlip:"
Reilly-"It did not. Oi told him u
joke an hour ago, su' sure he iist new
tumbled. ."-Philadelphi Record.
love to swing upon the gate,
Say, just at eventide;
That is, it it will bear tho weight
Ofsome one else beside.
New York Herald.
Principal Ito new apprenticel-
"Has the bookkeeper told you what
you have to do in the afternool?"
Youth-"Yes, sir. / was to waken
him when I saw you coming. "-Da-
helm.
Lumleigh-"What makes you think
young Phether Waite is a drummer
for bicycle concern?" Chumleigh
-"Anybody can see that. He car
ries samples in his heal. New York
World.
Grant -"Can it be possible that
Hawkins is in love with that fat girl?
Why, she weighs 800 at least" Hobbs
-"No; don't believe he's in love;
he's just infatuated" - Boston
Courier.
She lin the art gallery -"I wonder
If my hat is on straight; everybody
stares at me 30" He-"Naturally
they do. You're the most perfect
picture here" And now the cards
are out.-Philadelphia Record.
Mrs. Mcbride (entering the kitchen)
-"Bridget, didn't sea that police.
man kiss you?" Bridget -"Well,
mum, sure an yez wouldn't hey me
lay mesilf opin to artist for resistiu'
an officer, mum?" Harper's Bazaar.
Why does the poet look 50 sad?
Why Is his life wreck?
He always gets his poems back,
And never gets Il check.
A correspondent of poultry jour
nal asks: ''Have hens enough in
stinct to distinguish between real
egg and the porcelain counterfeit?'
We think they have. A hen never
lays a porcelain egg. -Norristown
Herald.
Commuter-"What do you mean
by saying that that house is only five
minutes from the station? It's fifteen
minutes if it's second" Real Estate
Dealer-"When l said five minutes
| supposed You had bicycle. "-Bos-
ton Transcript.
Smart-"Whatever induced your
uncle to marry the widow OF man
who had been hanged?" Simpson
"He has been married to widows be-
fore, and said he was tirel of having
the virtues of former husbands flung
in his face. Spare Moments.
Husband (whose wife has beeu reprov-
ing him for smoking in her presenoe)
You often used to say before w0
were married: 'Oi George, ] do SO
love the odor OF a gool cigar. ;" Wife
Yes, that sort of thing is part OF u
young lady, capital. "--Texas Siftings.
"Do you believe" said the inquis,-
tive man, "that these poets who write
so exquisitely about the delights OF
early rising ever tried it themselves"
Certainly not, replied tho sluggard.
"If they had they would never have
written in that way about it. Wash
ington Star.
81 have come to ask for your daugh.
ter's hand, Mr.. Herrick," said younr
Waller, nervously. "Oh, well. YOU
can't have it," sail Herrick. "i'm
not doing ont my daughter on the in.
stalment plan. When you ieel that
you can support the whole girl. Won
may call again. - Harper's Bazar.
'Doctor,' asked The sick man, roll.
ing up his eyes till only the whites
showed. "why is it thas in the DAYS
when l ate no melons except stolen
ones they never bothered me in tb,
least, and now that | am man and
buy my melons as an honest man
should, they tie me up In seven kinds
OF knots?"-Indlanapolis Journal.
Bass-"And of which variety is your
wife, the clinging-vine or the seif.as.
sertlveT Cass GA little OF both
When she wants new dress or new
bonnet, she generally begins in tho
eilnging-vine role il that doosn'c
bring the money, then she changes to
the self-assertive, and we'll ;, she in-
variably gets the dress or the bonnet"
boston Transcript.