The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1895-02-07
. "CHRONICLES."

Chap. I. 1t came ito pass that the
Jays Of Sylvester the Penney yerite were
fulfilled that he should reign over the
various tribes of the state of Oregon.
And he arose and opened wide his
mouth in the presence of the Sanhed-
rim sitting i'm the synagogue of the
state Of Oregon, and he spake thusly:
Lo We men of Salem, take heed! for the
time corneth that L, the mighty Hoo
dad, the ruler Of THE synagogue shall
retire to my mill where the buzzsaw
buzzeth not, for the times are hard and
10, the people have waxed great in pow
erty and haveth neither shekelS in
their pockets or grain in their gran
cries, and the corn and wine in the land
bringeth forth mo revenue as it once
did, the song of the Goblin moth is a
burden in the land, the calf and the
young kid gambolleth not on the hill
sides, the hop hoppeth not, and the
hop grower hangs his harp ON the lank
hop-pole and by the waters of the Will
lamette he sitteth down and weeps and
wist not what he shall do, while the
tax-gatherer stalketh abroad in the
land and taXeth everything under the
sun. Lo! the only thing that flourish
eth is the tax. Therefore I steppeth
down and out and attendeth to my
own business and it pleaseth me great
ly if you attendeth to yours. Selah.
Hearken ye rulers ye high priests, ye
mighty 1nen in Oregon, there cometh
one after me whose shoestrings I am
not going to unloose. He is nlightier
than I, hear We him. Selah.
Chap II. Then arose the mighty
judge in Oregon, whom the people had
chosen to reign over them in the place
of the Hoodad Sylvester the Pennoyer-
ite. He was mighty of stature and
commanding of voice, and he spake to
the tax-gatEerers, Scribes, Sadducees,
Pharisees, the Republicans and Sinners
Populists and Democrats and that
were gathered together with the San
hedrim in the temple, and they were
well pleased and stampeth their feet
and clappeth their hands and shouteth,
Verify the Lord reigns! Let the peo-
pie rejoice! let them sing Psalm tunes
in the market places, let the cymbals
sound, bang the Psaltery, play upon the
hautboy, flourish the Hewgag, blow
upon the transforms, for we are de-
livered from the rule of the Pennoyer-
lite. Rejoice greatly. Verify the face
of the Lord doth shine upon us. Then
again spaike William the Lord and
taught them saying Blessed are We
when We sMa1e resolute effort to re-
duce the burden of taxation to the
lowest possible limit consistent with
the wise economical administration OF
the public business" Blessed are We
when ye realize that '"There is a wide
complaint against THE inequality of
our tax laws. If these defects exist
they should be speedily remedied' -
Blessed lare We that We openeth your
eyes to the fact that the claw. inf1icts
punishment upon the criminal and to
deter others from the commission OF
crime. The punishment consists in
confirming him i'm the state penitentiary
for period of time proportionate to
the enormity of his Offences and not
in loosing the jail-bird that he may
stalk abroad and prey upon and devou1
your substance, and lie in wait for you
and swoop down upon you; for the jail
bird is a curious bird THAT fyeth NOT
with his wings but preambulateth
with his feet, and trampeth from place
to place, and beateth the air with his
fins, and worketh only with his jaw
bones. Yea, verify, this jail-bird hath
Sylvester the Pennoyerite loosed upon
the community and him men feaa
greatly, and calleth upon the hills and
rocks to fall upon them that the Jail
bird slay them not. o We people, &c
to now, anoint your heads with hai1
Gil, weep, howl, gnash your teeth, re-
pent in sack-cloth and ashes for your
sins, that We did allow the Pennoyerite
to slay your judgment with jaw-bone
so that ye elected him to riegn over
you.
But We wot rot what We did, and now
that we bringsth forth fruits meet for
repentance, Blessed are ye, for We have
been saved as brands from burning in
that We maketh my calling and cleo
tion sure. But hear o Israel, Blessed
are ye when We fall not in love with the
damsel Polly Ticks, for she is exceed
ingly tickle and full of guile and lead
eth you i'm crooked ways. Blessed are
We when all men revile you for voting
for the man whom it plea seth you to
have for United States senator, for if
ye voteth for the man that getteth
there, verify, your reward shall be
great upon the earth. Selaih
Chap. III. And when the Lord had
spoken thusly and smoleth am exceed
ingly hilarious smile upon the multi
tude they rejoiced greatly and stamp
eth their feet until the temple shook
from dome to foundation and the dim
corridors resoundeth with the cry, The
Lord reignethi then they sung Sam
tune, and sounded the TRANSFORMS, and
went forth exceeding joyful.
Then Sylvester the Pennoyerite
bowed his head upon his bosom and
welt, and gnashed his teeth, and put
ashes upon his head, and p1ucked his
beard, and mourTed as one who cannot
be comforted. And he arose and tray-
eled a Sabbath days journey to his
mill where the sound of the buzzsaw
is heard no more, and where the
whangdoOdle mourneth with great
Sela.h!! Statesman.
THE ENDLESS STATUTES.
Now VorE Fah d-prac;don+ Dorio