The representative. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1893-1901, 1895-08-28
LETTER FROM SATAN,
HIS MAJESTY WRITES TO THE
NATIONAL BANKERS.
He Wants a Dollar That is Good in
He'll, and Therefore Favors
a Gold Standard.


ing this method Of thanking you for the
heroic fight you are making for Sound
currency" That is right. You not only
want money that is good at home, but
one that is good in hell. Nearly all my
contracts on earth are made in gold Nine
souls out of every ten are paid for in gold
1t is the only money we have in hell; but
it takes good deal of it to go little ways
here. Ice is thousand dollars pound,
and fans ten thousand dollars a piece.
AS it is so hot here now that pound of
ice melts in half minute and a fan is
scorched to ashes in five minutes, am
doing good business in ice and FANS
l have first class custom-bankers, law
yers and railroad kings, principally. The
money pay for souls on earth get back
for ice and fans in hell. In other words,
1 redeem in ice and FANS
My goodness, but it's hot here! I'm
sitting in one of Jay Gould's special cars
that he brought up here with him (poor
fellow, thought he could use it,, with my
tail hanging in barrel of ice water and
forty little devils tanning me with all
their might, yet it makes me sweat every
time think about the refusal of the Pop
uists to break up their organization and
join the silver party Wasn't that an
elegant scheme, if it would have worked :?
I'm glad you fellows didn't oppose it. Say,
| don't want you fellows to forget that
gold is the only money we have in hell.
If you can fool the people there by talk
ing about an international agreement, it
would be good plan. If you get up the
conference, l and the Rothschilds will
be there to defeat it, as we did before
That is good scheme you have of talk
ing bimetallism. The people don't know
what 1T means, and it mystifies the whole
question. Just keep up that racket. The
brightest move you have made, though, is
calling it the sound currency move
ment. Every little devil down here
laughed when he heard that This will
make the people think that every other
kind of currency is unsound. Bully boys,
you are. You are managing things up
there as we'll as l could do it myself. If
you win this battle for gold I'll give you
lease on the earth for twenty-five years.
All I'll ask is two million souls year and
bond that you won't let John Sherman
and Grover Cleveland set up an opposi-
ton hell up there. With the help you
are gettingfrom the preachers, you ought
to be able to do that and have a jolly time
in the bargain. That Jew rabbi that
prayed for gold at the Republican state
convention in Kentucky the other day is
daisy. He shall have rattle-bOx when
he comes here to scare away the snakes.
Say, you fellows remember Benedict Ar
mold, don't you? Well, he was in my
office the other day and insisted that it
would be right for me to grant him par
don. He said that Carlisle and John
Sherman were so much greater traitors
than he ever was that it did not reflect
any credit on hell for him to stay here
any longer. l think I'll let him go. Sher-
man or Carlisle can fill the place so much
better, and besides, Arnold has been sorry
all the time for what he has done, and the
other fellows are not. Poor Arnold is a
pitiful looking sight. The little imps up
here keep throwing chunks of burning
brimstones at him all the time, and teas
ing him until his spirit is broken. Nearly
all the hair is scorched off of his tail and
one of his horns is knocked off, Besides,
Sherman and Carlisle have greater rep
utation as traitors, and one or both of
them ought to be made chief here; but I
can't we'll spare them up there until we
get the gold standard fastened on that
country. Now, you know 1 have more in.
vested in that country than any one else,
and l insist on you fellows doing every
thing you can to win this fight. We don't
want any 50-cent silver dollars in hell
it would take a two-horse load to buy a
glass of water. And the greenback-well,
you know it would scorch them to cinders
before you could get them out of your
pocketbook. The policy 1here that will
help me most is scarce money and dear
money. This causes hunger, and people
will sell their souls cheaper for money to
get something to eat See? Now get as
many of the preachers and religious pa
pers to help you as you can-they will do
it If you pay them-and make this fight
hot. You need not be scared at the
threats of the politicians to leave the
Democratic party if they don't get free
silver platform and candidate. They
won't do it. They will fall right in and
vote for the nominee, no difference who
he is, or what the platform is. This is
the way we do it in hell and that is the
way you have always helped us by doing
the same up there. In fact, this practice
originated in hell.
Another thing want to call your at
tention to-: You must not let the Demo-
cratic party die. If the Democratic party
was out of the way thousands of Repub-
licans would leave their party and the
Populists would upset my reign down
here. Keep the people divided. The
preachers will help you to do that for it
is right in their line of business. They
keep the church divided and 1 get in
many good lick on account of it. If you
win this gold fight I'll help you to get
your notes Endorsed as money and fix it
so you can draw interest on them. You
see this makes the currency Sound" 1t
sounds so loud we can hear it down here
in hell. Anything to get and keep the
people in debt. Nothing can do that any
better than gold and bank notes. I will
submit good plan through Carlisle or
Sherman within year. Be sure to get
a gold standard man nominated for presi-
dent in 1896 in both old parties. 1t don't
make SC much difference what the plat
form is, as the people do not expect us to
fulfill our promises. And as they keep
on voting for us they don't seem to care
In the race for lieutenant devil the honors
are about even between Cleveland and
Sherman. If things keep on going the
way they have been up there, think I'll
try to establish a branch hell on earth.
There are nearly enough people suffering
up there now to start one. If we can hold
on to gold standard l think we can make
it. Now, whoop it up for gold and the
two old parties. Tell the boys to get what