davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The morning times., 1895-10-06
ODD SLIPS OF THE TONGUE.
Some of the Humorous Things That
Were Better Left Unsaid.


al beg your pardon, madam, but you are
sitting on my hat exclaimed a gentle
man. "Oh, pray excuse me; 1 thought it
was my husbands" was the unexpected re-
ply.
In another instance of conjugal amenities
n wife said 10 her husband: Il saw Mrs.
Becker this morning and she complained
that on the occasion of her last visit you
were so rude TO her that she thought she
must have offended you Nothing of the
kind" he answered. ION the contrary,
ike her very much; but it was rather dark
at the time, and when 1 entered the
| room at first thought it was you"
Poor Johnnie was n kind and forbearinG
husband" sobhed Johns widow on her re-
turn from the funeral. YES" said sym
pathizing Deighbor; 'but it is all for the
best. You must try to console yourself, my
dear, with the thought that your husband
is at peace at last
A gentleman had accompanied friend
bone to dinner, and as they seated them
selves at the table the hostess remarked:
II trust you will make allowances Mr..
Blankley. My servant left me unexpected
ly and was compelled to cook the dinner
myself" "oh, certainly, my dear madam,
certainly responded the guest, with great
emphasis. Il can put up with anything"
Another amusing slip took the form of an
unhappy after-dinner speech. There was
an entertainment given by an earl who
was deservedly popular. 1t was extreme
ly handsome and champagne flowed freely.
The evening was well advanced when be-
nignant old gentleman rose to propose
toast. He spoke with fluency. but some
how he said exactly the opposite to what
be meant II feel" said he, that for
plain country squire like myself to ad-
dress this learned company is indeed to
cast pearls before swine" Never was 80
successful a speech made. The company
applauded vociferously and as though they
would never cease.
Now, Miss Brown" said an earnest
listener. won't you play something for
us?'' mo, thank you," said the lady; I'D
rather hear Mr.. Jones'" Earnest listener:
$50 would L, but" Here he was stopped
by the expression on the young lady's face:
and he looked confused for half an hour
after she had Indignantly turned and left
him
A person who was recently called into
court for the purpose OF proving the cor
rectness of q surgeons bill was asked
whether the doctor did not make several
visits after the patient was out of danger.
"No," replied the witness, II considered
the patient in danger as long as the doctor
continued his visits"
physician walking with friend said
to him: Let US, avoid that pretty little
woman you see there on the Left She
knows me and casts on me looks of jndigna-
ton. / attended her husband" ''Ah! 1
understand You bad the misfortune to
dispatch him. was the remark that slipped
out. "on the contrary" replied the doctor,
81 saved him."
guest at country inn exclaimed, 81
say, landlord, your food is worse than it
was last year," "Impossible, sir" was
the rather ambiguous reply of the landlord.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Her Picture.

Let us paint her pictured Take a
patch % skies,
With cool shadows in 'em an you'llhaveher
eyesl
Shadows where the sunshine tangles-but
the blue
Beautiful an beamin'-gleamin', streamin'
through
Let us paint her pictured - Take a
midnight drear-
Deep, an black, an sta rless and you have
her hair!
Yet, there's light about it-something you
can mark
Like an April shower twinklin through the
dark!
When you slip the ribbons from the cuflsan'
all,
Down they come a-tumblin' like WATERFALL
That's the time they dazzle-silky threads
o. night,
Fallin' all around her-shakin out the light!
Lips? They're like a sunrise to the night
O. curls,
Rosy-red, that mingles with a CLEAN O.
An two shiny dimples-play YIN hide an
seek
In among the flowers bIoomin' onher cheek
Want to paint her picturels Think O.
all that's sweet
All that hearts can beat for when Love
makes EN- beatl VI q
Then give Love the pencil. dipped in colors
With your heart, an lethimpaint her picture
therei -
Atlanta Constitution.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
HONEST DEALING REWARDED.
A Fakir Who Made Money by Taking
the PubIic IntO His Confidence.

"Gentlemen," said the street fakir, as he
arranged his bottles on the able before him,
~ did not come here to lie and deceive and
rob you of your hard-earned dollars. Ibave
stuck TO the truth all my life and, though
that Is the reason why L am poor man, /
shall continue TO speak the truth TO the end
or my days.
The crowd had been coldly surveying his
preparations, but began to warm up a little
over his address.
II might say TO you," he went on, as he
held up one or the bottles in a loving way
between his eye and the sun, that this
medicine was discovered by a celebrated
medicine man of the Sioux tribe of Indians.
But why deceive you? 1t is remedy
entirely unknown to the Indians. 1t is
my own discovery, and l never saw an
Indian In my life"
Thecrowd Increased In numbers and began
TO press closer.
''Icould tel you that this compound would
cure Bright's disease, and in ten minutes
every bottle would be sold; but could sleep
tonight with the weight OF so much decep-
ton on my conscience? How could ever
again look an honest man in the face after
telling such a falSehood? 1t Will not cure
Bright's disease-it would even hasten the
endlof victim of that baleful complaint"
There were now 100 men In front of the
fakir, and at least half of them had their
hands in their pockets in search of money.
II could say that IL was pain Killer
continued the man, as he brought out more
bottles from an old satchel but an accusing
more. You might rub a barrel of 1t on you
and it would not affect pain. / miss the
sales OF at least fifty bottles because 1 tell
you the truth, but 1t must be So"
"Ginme a bottlei' shouted dozenmen in
chorus, as they held up their 81 bills.
mo, gentlemen, not yet. / viii neither
deceive YOU nor allow you to deceive your
selves. You are an honest. confiding people,
|\and / might tell you that this discovery
would stop a headache in five minutes and
you would believe me and hand up your
money. 1t will not cure headache. even
declare that it would make one ten times
worse"
The number OF men who now wanted
bottle was at least twenty, but the faktr
waved them aside and said:
wait a minute. The discovery viii not
cure consumption after one lung Is gone 1t
will not cure catarrh after the disease has
a firm hold on the bronchial tubes. After
both kidneys have wasted away 1t is no
use to take 1t. 1t simply purifies the blood
and thus"
"Gimme bottlel Gimme bottle!'' yelled
fifty men, as they pressed forward. and in
less than ten minuteds the la st one had been
sold and the fakir had the money In bis
pocket
As we wentdown on the train to Nashville
that afternoon together lasked:
after you have mixed water, molasses
and alcohol together, do you add anything
else?"
Eyes, cayenne pepper to make 1t bite, and
the solemn truth. TO make 1t SELL he
solemnly replied. as he took out his wad
of bills and spread them on his knee and
started out to find the sum total.
The morning times., 1895-10-06

folk Jacket and standing collar this
warm night?" demanded Maude's brother.
Because sister has assured me that she
loves to see me look trim and trig and has
added that look trim in nothing else"
well" exclaimed her aggrieved mother,
"you surely can't accuse any of US of asking
you to add the finishing touch to your ridic-
ulous get-up by wearing that gold chain
and heart-shaped locket."
mo. none OF you. But Charles'-inok-
ing at the waiting bicyclist-''begged
me always to wear it Now. here l am,
dressed according to suggestions from
you all Are you satisfied? Do you like
it? Or will you let me dress to suit myself
In the futnre?"
go dress yourself properly, Maude."
said her mother.
Eyes, gop' shouted the repentaut fam
ny.
And ten minutes later a neat feature in
brown cap, skirt, and CATERS and pink
shirt waist rode merrily off on her wheel.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Preparing for Him.

After the street car accident:
'Are you hurt. Johnson"
SSH no. but just watch me hold my leg
and roar"
whats that for?''
"There'n be claim agent here in a min
ute, and Til try to settle for spot cash.
Chicago Record.
The morning times., 1895-10-06

The justice looked first at the wheelman,
and then at the man who had been injured.
81 think / will have to fine the defend
ant" he said at last. Every man must be
protected in his legal rights on the high
way"
Rights on the highwayi" cried the wheel
man. why, judge, he hasn't any. He never
owned a wheel in his life. Chicago Post.
The morning times., 1895-10-06

hand an unusually long time, scratched his
head, studied the grocer's face, and then
called.
what have you got?" he demanded.
what baf you got?"
81 called. Show down your hand"
schweinmagen spread out pair of deuces.
The grocer didn't take the boy upstairs,
but whipped him on the spot for lying.
dot poy might hat fooled some Of you
shentlemans," he explained
The morning times., 1895-10-06
FouII Them Useful.

watts-Do you think it does any good to
belong to so many lodges?
Potts-Well, when went over to Europe
I used to add the initials of all of them to
nv name when registered at a hotel, and
got all sorts Of Difference from the clerks
and waiters.-Indianapo Journal.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Fulfilnent.

She graRped the bar, arranged her skirts
With dainty little tucks and flirts;
Posed on the saddle, felt the tread
OF pedal, and, I'm off," she said.
A whirl of wheels, q swerve and sway,
And from the roadbed, where che lay,
She realized, in full degree,
The climax of her prophecy.
Richmond Dispatch.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
None.

az hardly know whether to marry her
or not said the count. Her father is in
the clothing business"
"There is money in Clothes" said the
duke.
"There isn't any in mine," said the count.
indianapolis Journal.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Can Such Things Be-

"Darlingi"
my life!"
After four years of arrangement, they
were clasped again in each others arms.
There remained no obstacle. The big
sleeve was a thing Of the past.-Minneapo-
lis Penny Press.
The morning times., 1895-10-06

Master-And where is the talent gave
unto thee?
Servaut-It was a silver coin, my master,
and-and-deSased so rapidly that threw
1t away for very shame.-Cleveland Plain
Dealer.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
At The,r Five O'Clock Tea.

The Daughter of the Revolution-At our
last meeting Mrs. Oldfield told how her
great-grandmother sacrificed the family
plate for the cause.
The Colonial Dame-Yes; I've heard that
the Continentals were often hard pushed to
find lead for their bullets.-Trutb.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
COmfo rtin2.

The old baroness has had her hair dyed the
color of red ochre.
"How do you like me?" she asked, ad-
dressing Boyer. Does 1t not make me look
younger?'
Eyes, :" the maestro replied, "about fort
night, should say."-La Vie Parisienne. .
The morning times., 1895-10-06
II won,d M.keUsA1,Hapnv.

Masher-Ahl my dear lady, speak the
word that will make me the happiest OF
mortals.
Wealthy Heiress-Moneyl - sonntags
Plauderer.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Futile.


He Wept b1tterIy.
Never, my child" he faltered through
his tears, marry a woman TO reform her"
The cigar stub upon the center-tab,e made
him sick at heart, while the smell of to-
/ acco in his new lace curtains was simply
horrid.-Detroit Tribune.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Expensive.


Rounder-Thls has beer a very expensive
summer for me.
Sounder-I thought you sent your family
away on farm somewhere?
Rounder-So did. But stayed In town.
philadelphia Record.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Absence of Mind.

A stout gentleman with rubicund face
addresses the waiter:
"What time is it,"
"a quarter after midnight"
"Ahi the dickensi My wife is expecting
me home TO lunch."-Le Petit Rouennais.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Her Reply.

what would you do, miss, II should at
tempt to give you kiss?"
81 should certainly set my face against it,
sir. "-Rchmond Dispatch.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
All in the Tone of 1t.

"say. did 1 ever tell you that story"
81 guess you have"
And they don't speak any more.-ChiN
cago Record
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Strangers Now.

"This rich relative of yours, is he dis
tant relative?''
Eyes, extremely distant since he became
rich. It'd Bits
The morning times., 1895-10-06
How to Judge Them.

"Your mammals got awfully little hands
hasn't she, Jimmie?"
"How do you know?"
"She shook hards with me yesterday"
"well, you rever had 'em spank your
Chicago Record.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Not IA Phenomenon.

"You see that gentleman who is walking
yonder? His hair turned perfectly white in
the course OF single month"
"a lot of trouble and anxiety. eh?"
mo. He gave up dyeing. "-Buntes Al
lerlei.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
Took the Prize.

"who TUX de prize at de fancy ball,
Miss Lindy?'
Lily Ann Jones. She had de sleebes
oh her dress made like watahmillions.''-
Exchange.
The morning times., 1895-10-06
And He owes Everybody.

Jones has good deal of money, hasn't
he?"
wei, he ought TO have"
"How is that?"
HE never pays any out"-Chicago
Record.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02

Just previous to the big boom In oil
a gentleman who knew the condition OF
afairs and was certain that prices
would go away up, went to a friend.
who had more ready cash than knowl-
edge Of the world, and said:
Friend John, the price OF oil Is going
TO 30 up, so | would advise you to buy
10000 barrels"
Buy 10000 barrels OF OLE" was the
astonished reply Of the man addressed.
who looked as II he thought his friend
was crazy; why, don't use a barrel In
a year"
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02
FOR EPIcuREs ONLY.

shad rue with eggs ana parsley makes
a most palatable breakfast om,let. long
known to gastronomic students
only the ignorant ever wash strnyy.
berries, They should be lightly shaken
In a towel as a means of cleaning them.
The world is fun of people who are
disappointed aud displeasrd when ther,
II no Ooiong flavor In tea biscuits
Alleged currant Jelly one buys AT Tho
average grocery shop Is strong sur.
gestion OF what would be considered red
Ink
We are told that az breakfast IL ia
allowable 10 eat watercress with the
fingers. provided. " course. Il Is NOT
dressed.
Veal when roasted thoroughly brown
f. most palatablc and least harmful. IL
saves physicians bills TO remember this
fact.
Negctarians are seemingly indlffeE.
ont whether beef goes up or down. As a
matter of fact, however. they never
want Il 20 so down.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02
A COUPLES ADVENTURE.


short Of Funds, but "a. Gentleman Was
an Able rinanrI.r
Among the throng on bicycles speed
Ing between Ridgewood and Tuxedo
on Saturday afternoon were little
couple not yet In their teens. says the
New York Sun. The little lady manlp-
ulated the wheel to perfection. and as
they passed along they looked even
more interesting than the beautiful
country about them. They had halted
at Ramsey's, had cream and confec-
tlonery. and had resumed their trim
when rain began to fan. Here was a
dilemma the youth Of II had not cal
culated on. Rain meant railroad fare
back to Rldgewood. for In no clrcum-
stances could the young lady be allowed
to get wet. They hastoned to the first
railroad station. The youth saw the
wheels housed and then fished In his
pockets for funds. The little treat at
the saloon had absorbed nearly all his
cash. but he arose TO the occasion and
In confidential way whispered to the
ticket agent that II two could ride on a
whole ticket that cost less than two
half tickets he thought he had SUM-
Client funds to buy one. Then, TO his
dismay, the lad discovered he was 2
cents short even OF the price OF one
whole ticket. He so informed the
agent and asked for credit for that
sum, promising to reimburse him at
another time. The agent looked at the
worried face Of the little girl and hand.
ed him out a ticket.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02

A farmer who has been studying
agricultural Journals writes the editor
OF an Ohio paper that he is stumpod.
He says he reads In one journal that
a side window In his stable makes a
horses eye weak on that side. An
other paper tells him that a front win
dow hurts his eyes by the glare; those
on diagonal lines make him shy when
he travels; one behind makes him
squint-eyed, and stable without win
dows makes him blind. The farmer
wants TO know whether there Is any
place outside the heads Of those edi-
tors where he can hang his windows.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02

When the iron glove might mean
mischief Il was a sign OF peace to IN.
cover the hand In greeting That Is how
the custom, which In 10 fast falling into
neglect, OF taklns on the glove to shake
hands arose. ana that Is why gloves
have always To be removed on prosen-
mtlon TO the queen at court but
though the glove was removed. there
was still. In the rough old days. some
fear OF treaohcry, and that Is why We
shake hands at all. for when men met
they surrendered to the grasp OF the
other the right and weapon welding
hand. Had 1t been possible for Presl.
don't Garnet, says Sir Herbert Maxwell
to Insist ON mutual surrender OF right
hands, the attack upon him would IA.
suredly have miscarried.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02
JosEPH.s foor-wAsH1No.



In Vienna.
on Holy Thursday. az Vienna. the
Emperor Francis Joseph performed the
annual ceremony Of washing the feet
Of twelve old bcgRars. says the New
YORK Sun. The ceremony took place In
the hall OF ceremonies In the Imperial
palace. on a platform raised slightly
above the floor was long table with
twelve covers. a plate. knife. wooden
spoon. folded napkin for each. with a
piece OF bread. a pewter mug. and a
little blue pitcher filled with water. Al
10 o'clock. twelve old men, the young
est 20 and the oldest 90. entered the hall
and we're supported. each by two rela-
uves. TO the platform. which they
mounted with difficulty. and were
placed In their seatr. their relatives.
most OF them women. standing behind
them. Then entered twenty knights Of
the Teutonic order. headed by their
master. Archduke Eugene. dressed in
white with long black crosses on the
breasts OF their doublets and others on
the back Of their long black cloaks.
They marched around the hall, and
then. forming a line on either side.
made way for the ministers. with Count
kalnoky at the head. and the em-
peror's stan. They were followed by
the primate Of Austria. Cardinal
Gruscha. with priests and acoiytes
bearing candles and burning incense.
Then came the emperor. dressed In the
white uniform OF an Austrian general
and wearing the order OF the Golden
Fleece. lie advanced TO the table and
addressed a few words to the old men.
At signal from the master OF cere-
monies twelve guardmen stepped for
ward. each bearing on tray the FIRST
course OF the sumptuous repast: the
emperor now took off his helmet
gave II TO an officer. and. passing down
the line, arranged the dishes before the
guests Twelve archdukes then APP
preached and removed the Barmccide
banquet from the guests eyes. handing
the dishes to the guards. This was
repeated for three courses. and with
the last. the plates. knives and other
objects on the table were also taken
on. They were all packed later. with
the food. In wooden boxes. and sent
TO the homes Of the old men. The
table was then taken away. and the
washing Of feet began. A priest APP
preached with towel and golden
basin full Of water: their slippers were
taken from the old mems feet. and the
emperor, on his knees. beginning with
the Oldest, molstened his feet with
water and dried them with the towel.
Without rising. still on his knees, he
passed on to the next one. and 30 on
to the end OF the row. when he had
finished he rose and placed around each
mans neck a chain. attached to which
was small white bag containing thirty
pieces OF silver. That ended the cere-
mony; the emperor and his suite with
drew, and the old men were taken home
by their friends.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02
cYcLoMANIA.


The scientific Name Of the Care for
wheeling IN France.
10 Veloclpedlste. or Running Cy-
clist lvelox Communis ct Mlgrator:
Family Of ColeopterD." Il the title OF
an amusing little essay in the Paris
Figaro. in which that familiar division
Of the human family, the cyclist. Is dis
cussed from a naiuralist's point OF view.
Like the June bugr which skim buzz.
lngly over the flower beds" saws the
Figaro. the velox communls nies
along the surface Of our streets with
disquietlng rapldity. frequently grazing
ln ~ course the careless pedestrian
who loves to cross crowded thorough
fares while reading his newspaper. OF
all the animals Of the Partisan fauna
II is by far the most prolific and multi
piles with startling rapldity. The male.
Of a grayish yellow color. IN generally
homely. The female. on the other
hand. offers In the harmonious and
opulent beauty OF her outlines yerlta.
bic treat for our charmed eyes. She il
tanned without dlficulty The number
Of 'yelocipedlstes' has 70 augmented
during the last few years that Il has be.
come public danger. The Academy Of
Medicine Is Justly alarmed at the prog.
ress Of cyclomania. ~ In called this cir.
cular madness. which was studied for
the FIRST time by the celebrated Esqul.
rOul who himself at last fell a victim
10 the same terrible malady.
1T IL dangerous to get In the way OF
the 'yeloN communis. this animal not
being accustomed 10 dlverge from the
straight line, which II follows impcr.
turbably. The frequency with which Il
runs down and mains whatever han
pens to be In IL path Ia too well known
to be- dwelt on here. Sometimes the
'cycllst migrator' travels In troupes
and even In single file. like the wild
duck The augurs Of antiquity
verse Of Ovid seems TO prove IL, at
least would have drawn good or bad
omens, according as they perceived the
night Of the 'yeloces' In odd or even
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02

Although the Baroness Durdctt.
coutts is 81. she Is one OF the llyoilest
women In London. So youthful IN her
dress that II Is criticised "a being more
In keeping with young woman Just
''out- In society than one whose years
OF life are numbered. One dress that
she wore at u recent entertainment
costume OF red velvet cost her 5000.
She probably wears this style OF ap-
paroi to match the gay. irldescent
young American husband she pur-
chased few years ago.
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02
SPARKS.

Jones Here's that umbrella b,r.
ruwcd from you yesterday. brown
Great Scott what's the matter with
~
Bookkcopcr-i see 10y the paper that
cur customer. Soudklns. Is married.
Fashionable Tailor-lndccd' shall lo
sorry 10 lose him.
Harold-Thc club was drcadrully lp.
suited today Clarcncc-W calys Har.
old-Ycs. an old lady wished 10 know
n II was an intelligence office.
The New woman-i should like 10
look at some ncckties. New Assistant
The necktie department IT, further back
This IL the toilet department | can
show you some mustache invigoratora
though
The Coalville times. [volume] (Coalville, Utah) 1894-1923, 1895-08-02

The great odd Fellows Temple In
Philadelphia. which cost s950.OOO. was
recently dedicated with imposing ecre-
monies. This monument TO odd fellow
ship Ia nine stories high. II Is situated
on broad street, Ofilces for the grand Of
ncers Of the state are ON the ground
door, also an auditorium 9S feet by Is
feet and 20 feet high. with seating
capacity Of 1900 Directly beneath Is
a drill hall OF the same size. except IN
height ON the second, third. fourth
and hfth floors are 1906 Offices for rent.
The remaining stories viii be devoted
entirely to the order. -Four lodge
rooms are upon each floor. On the
ninth floor there are two encampment-
rooms, which contain many new and
novel features for comforting degrees
A roof promenade. commanding an ex-
cellent view Of the city and surround
Ing country, Is provided. Canton