Sullivan republican. [volume] (Laporte, Pa.) 1883-1896, 1895-06-07

UNE Z, 1895.
THE MERRY SIDE OF LIFE.
STORIES THAT ARE TOLD BY THE
FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS.
The Latest Idol-Not In Stock-A
Slur-A Champion Feat = JusS
Cause-Shorter, Etc, Etc.
The statesman now becomes obscure,
His glory has gone hence;
The public's looking for the man
Who bats it DER the fence.
Kansas City Journal.
NOT IN STOCK.
Customer lin hardware store )-"Do
you sell the Golden Rule?"
Clerk-'We don't even keep it. -
Philadelphia Record.
WHERE HE WASN'T.
Cleverton-''S Strange didn't see
you at the theatre last night. I looked
for you between the acts.
Dashaway-"Perhaps you looked in
the theatre, old man. Harlem Life.
THAT WAS DIFFERENT.
She NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. won
der why you love me.
He (assentingly) $50 do L."
She Gndignantly)-"Sir!"
He (explanatorily)-'I mean why
you love me. Lille.
A CHAMPION FEAT.
Prospective Tenant Ito agent)-"You
say this house is just stones throw
from the depot"
"Well, all have to say is have q
great admiration for the man who
threw the stone. Life.
"What perfect sympathy there is
between Mrs. Plainface and her daugh-
ter"
81 should think SO! How could she
help sympathizing with daughter
who looked like her. Life.
81 never borrow trouble" said Bill
ton.
"Well," replied the man who had
once lent him money, 'theres never
any telling how bad mans credit
will get to be. Washington Star.
WITHOUT DOUBT.
Herdso-"Don't these Chicago peo.
pie beat the earth for being stuck on
their own town?"
Saidso--" "Well, rather; the papers
there would print the story Of the end
Of the world as Local Sys. Puck.
SHORTER.
She shook her lead sadly.
''My past is sealed book" she
answered with n sigh.
''Say, rather" he implored, "say,
rather, sealed brochure
Tears of gratitude sprang to her
eyes. Detroit Tribune.
BROWN STONE.
He---"Wnsn't Browns wife named
Stone before she was married?"
She.--"Yes; and it was very suita-
ble name"
He---"Whet do you mean?"
She---"Oh, nothing; only she threw
herself at his head. "-.-Life.
ABAR TO COMPLETE ENJOYMENT.
81 suppose you are looking forward
to the baseball season with pleasureY"
said Hobbies to his friend, the baseball
crank.
81 don't know" said the crank,
pathetically. "You see, my vocal
chords are in wretched condition. -
Chicago Record.
DISCIPLINE IN THE RANKS.
First Lieutenant---stBy Jove, as we
were going over tine river on the plank
bridge 1t gave way and the men fell
in"
Second Lieutenant" "What did you
do?"
First Lieutenant---"1 ordered them
to fall out, of course. "---Pearson's
Weekly.
NO DISPUTE so FAR.
"Well, old man, this is the first
time I've seen you since your mar
riage. Allow me to congratulate you. "
"Thanks. dear fellow, thanks!"
"Have you and your wife decided
who is to be the speaker OF the house?"
"Well, no; we usually occupy the
chair together. "--Pittsburg Chronicle
Dispatch.
UNUTrERABIE.
s'Do you not sometimes have soul
ful yearnings which you long to con-
vey in words, but cannot" asked the
sentimental girl.
''Yes, indeed" replied the young
man. 81 was ont . dreadfully anxious
to send home for money and didn't
have the price of telegram. Wash
ington Star.
THE LADIES TERROR.
"Why," thundered the King of Da-