The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1895-01-02
A NOVEL GUARANTEE.
A COMPANY THAT FURNISHES GER
TlFlcATES TO WooERs.

risgeable Daughter-Rather One Sided,
rs the Wife Is Not Bound-An Inter-
viewer Of Whom Something Was Known.
Seeing the sign over the door, enter
ed. ''If you wish to confer with the
president, sir, said the young man in
front, ''you will find him in his private
office" and thanking him entered the
rear room, where pleasant faced man
greeted me cordially.
Won't you be seated?" he said,
grasping me by the hand. 'Is your
business-er--conhdentia
mot at ALL" ] replied. "As was
passing by I thought would stop in
and inquire into the nature and scope
Of the Lovers Guarantee company,
which see advertised SO extensively. !"
Certainly" he responded. II shall
be only too glad to inform you what we
are here for. The Lovers Guarantee
company was formed for the purpose of
securing good husbands to all maidens
fundamentally inclined, and the great
success we have met with thus far
proves that there is an excellent reason
for our existence. The average man of
affairs has little time to look up the
character and antecedents of the young
fellow who applies for his daughter
hand. We look him up, and il he is sat
isfactory he gives us a bond, which en-
titles him to certificate guaranteeing
him to be all that he claims. This bond
may be good for five or ten years. A
mans financial status is Of course easy
to determine, but it is into tho finer at
tributes of character that we examine
particularly. Our certificate is an abso-
Lutte guarantee Of the man. OF course
we have to be particular, for should the
wife at any time insist upon separa-
ton and show cause under the contract
we would have to pay all her legal ex-
penses and furnish her new husband
OF make over to her certain payments. :"
But suppose, said /, after the
man is married off, there develops some
hidden trait, some idiosynorasy that
causes unhappiness, but not separation,
what do you do them"
''Such cases, replied the president
of the Lovers Guarantee company, ARE
rare, but Of course they do occur. III q
case like this we examine into the cause
of the difficulty, and il the man DO
wrong the fact that he is under bond
gives us a power over him, and generally
we bring him to terms. +"
"But, - said I, suppose tho woman
in the case is wrong?'
tThis, explained the president, lis
extremely unfortunate, as we have no
means of reaching her direct. having no
power over her. We can, however, adj
wise the man what to do, generally with
most felicitous results. As rule, these
differences come from ignorance ON both
sides. Where they are extreme and q
separation is advisable we have in our
employ the best lawyers, and divorces
are obtained in the most private way.
I'VE have in our employ one of the
most eminent phrenologists in the coun-
try, who examines the heads Of all ap-
plioants. Our head physician, who gave
up large practice to come with us, has
growing staff Of assistants, and these
look carefully into the physical condi-
ton of the applicants. You may depend
npon it that when an applicant has sue
cessfully run the gauntlet we lay out for
him he will make good husband. We
advise all young married people to have
homes Of their own, no matter how
humble, and have home bureau through
which member can obtain advice ON
the most desirable way to live, the best
locations, q list of houses and apart
ments and the lowest rents. By this
means we are enabled to make an ar
rangement with landlords so that our
patrons can obtain certain discounts and
privileges Were you thinking-aheml
of entering upon the new life?"
''Oh, no, replied modestly. 81 am
already married, and" added laugh
ingly. II don't suppose cases Of this sort
come under your jurisdiction.
''Indeed they do. F" replied the presi.
dent of the Lovers Guarantee company.
I'VE have lately formed department
for the benefit of married people and
6nd 1t to be great success. For small
sum yearly, in advance, we furnish Ia
dies with advice as to the proper man.
agement Of husbands and direct them
instance. should husband be called
away too frequently at tight 'on bust
ness, imbibe too freely-I may say this
Is yone Of our greatest obstacles - or
should he become i'll natured or non
sractable, we tell her what to do, =
els this department secret?'
mot at all, /" he responded. Indeed
we invite publicity. Such is our repu-
tation that the mere fact made known
to man that his name is on our books
win have q tendency to bring him to
his senses.
M, dear sir, = said l warmly rs
rose % 20. You are accomplishing a
great work, and am glad called in to
see ,you. Then, thanking him, ] was
about to depart when he stopped me
courteously.
Excuse me, !" he said, but would
yen mind giving me your name? al
ways like to take down the names of all
onr friends. ;"
Certainly not, said /. Il would
iustas soon as not, as 1t is just possible
may want 10 advise with you myself
later on. My name. sir, is Witherby. y
alright and engaging smile came
over the face Of the president of the Low
srs' Guarantee company. "Ah. yes. in .
deed, he exclaimed -. Scott Wither-
BY, isn't it?''
That's 81, replied, dumfounded,
. lump rising In my throat How the
mischief, sir, did you learn my name?"
Every easily he responded cheer
fally as he reached over into his desl;
and handed me pamphlet B lao, ON If
You Are Husband. Don't Be Crank. .
'"Your wife was In here only yester-
day.. Scott Witherby in New York
World. -
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