The comet. (Johnson City, Tenn.) 1884-1916, 1895-07-18
Banner Man to "ChOlIic."
DUDE HILL.
PULASKI, Va, June % '05.

hopeless case. nave GnueaVOred IN
everwy conceivable way to attwact
the iair one, but she turns the colo
shoulder o me, everwy time. The
late lamented Shakespeare said OF
twemales:
Buy her wife's gift;
Dwumb Jewels OF a Mind
DO more than words
Move woman's mind
Il have twyed her wife's gifts but
even they don't seem to apply in my
case Can't you help me. Pltase
do now, don't yen know. Your dear
friend, "CHoLLIE."
Dear Choliie II would have an
swered your very kind letter sooner,
but | have been very busy worming
my early black wax calamus. | have
also been thinning the punctuation
marks out OF twenty acre roasting
ear patch, and at the same time dtink-
ing species OF root beer which grows
wild in Crawfish Valley.
| am glad to hear that you are in
love al last, confound you. / always
pity the man, married or single, who is
too much of hog to love somebody.
] would rather be in love than to be
pig in clover with my tail curled up
IN bow knot. 1t makes young men
dream dreams and old men see visions,
and middle aged men, if they are
widowerq ,-well,it makes them perfect
darn tools.
'Tis love that makes the word go round,
And breaks the costly sofa down,
'Tis love that makes two people one
30 slick you can't tell how it's done,
'Ts love that makes the lamp burn dim
'Tis love that makes the girls so slim;
'Tis love that makes you hold her hand
And dream you are in Bulah Land.
'Tis love that makes you stay so late
And hang upon the garden gate.
Twas love that made the golden rule
And turned old Adam to a fool
'Tis love that makes two people mash
Their torpid livers into hash,
'Tis love that makes you puff and blow;
Tis love that makes the roosters crow,
And turns your cake to dough.
You further remark that yours IS G.
"hopeless case" wish it understood
right now that | am getting tired Of
treating hopeless cases. Why didn't
you apply to me for relief before you
got so desperate. My reputation as a
love doctor is at stake, and can't af-
ford to take man on his last legs and
try to cure him. Ican't do anything
for man when he has reached that
stage where he is attacked with weak
trembles and needle.toed shoes.
would rather treat genuine case Of
hydrophobia any time. II people
want me to treat them in cases OF love
they must apply before their livers are
all covered with corns and their shoe
soles are all torn off. OF course this
applies to men only.
You also say that you "haYe en-
deavored in every conceivable way
to attract the fair one, but she turns
the cold shoulder every time"
Now, that gets your uncle Nike, ]
never knew before or behind that a
girl had a cold and q warm shoulder.
Blast my picture if don't find out
The next time get an opportunity
will apply a thermometer and see
II there is any difference | want tC
know it. I'll take the hot shoulder
every time in mine Dog gone cold
shoulders and cold feet. In fit oI
Temporary insanity once undertook
TO put my arm around the back OF Q
chair in which female child OF nature
had staked off q claim. didn't know
she had "squalled" there, but anyway
she left the room clothed in indigna
ton and a white dress, and pretty
I soon the man who run things around
, there served writ OF ejectment upor
D me. That is what you term turning
g the cold shoulder on a fellow, / sup
0 pose. In my ignorance, thought th,
/, Old man had turned cold numbe
nine on me.
| hardly know what to say to yo,
if you have tried IN every way to al
tract the fair one. Have you trie'
glavitationl Philosophers say it a.
; tracts worlds, and it might rope in tn
i, "gal" you are hankering after. Q
!. you might explode a few sticks c
s dynamite onder her window and thu
|, get her attention. II this should fail
e your last and only chance would b
l. to fire the house and then rescue he
1t from the flames. The average gil
l. likes to be rescued from some peri
ard she generally makes hero of th
man who does the rescuing act. Sh
y generally makes him carry the slo
: to the swine in the dewy eve, too. Al
other way, but one that carries with
! many dangers, is to pat on your 10
a dress suit and kill polecat at sho
range. Then go 20 some gatherin
where our jewel is, and she is almo