The herald., 1895-01-31
THE BEST IDEA He EVER HAD
His Great Farewell Tour With
q Frozen Whale.
The Plain Details of Scheme With
Millions in 1t,
It Was Only From the Lack of Few
Dollars That the Greatest Proposi-
Zion of the Age Fell Through.

There never lived just such another
man az Tommy Wills, especially
when il comes down to schemes. Tommy
was man with q scheme for every day
OF the wesk and every week in the year,
and the strangsst thing about it was
that the schemes we're all entirely prsc-
tical and none of them ran under
hundred thousand, either. and it was
only because Tommy lacked a few dol
lars TO get a start with that they were
never worked.
Now at the time this whale scheme
was running in Tommy's head he had
other schemes in view-he always had
other schemes in visw. for the matter OF
that-but this was his pet scheme. this
whale scheme was, and he dearly loved
TO talk about 1t and have other people
agree with him that it was the beet idea
he ever had. If you said that thia Was
enough for Tommy. because that meant
to him that it WAS the best idea that
ever was. He was just that conceited--
about ideas.
Tho ideas right bore" Tommy uned
to say. 81 goes out here off Clemente
island, you understand. an gifts me a
whale. Then I loads me whale on pair
OF fiat cars. See? bitches these cars
together. you understand, and builds
sort of tank, solid tank, on these
cars what me whale is on, hooks on me
engine and goes east. See?
Suppose gifts down in Kansas an
them towns down around there where
they amt seen nothin' but graashoppers
an chipmunks all their lives; say,
won't do nothin' but have every mug in
the country comm to see me whale. [
charges these mugs half dollar apiece.
See? | gifts down in Connecticut sells
me whale to glue factory, you UNDER
stand, and comes back to California in
palace car with all sorts of money In me
clothes.
NOW, of course. don't go through
this scheme at the public cold, you I'M
derstsnd. I've been in the business too
long for that sort of monkey business.
makes hurrah proposition out of this
scheme, else it don't GO; see! You got
to do it On a scheme like that.
1.-The first thing does l goes down
here to San Pedro. | laws around there
till l spots me man. OF course l has
some dough in me clothes all this time,
else l wouldn't be operatin' at all. |
gets hold OF come mug what's been to
sea an savey's this whale proportion,
you understand. throws few bowls
into this bloke and gets him mellow.
Then | gets him to steer me against
couple more mugs what's handled these
harpoon propositions. you understand,
and goes to work an hires these mugs
by the month. See?
"Now goes and gifts me one of these
sure.enough whale boats, you under
stand, and all this hsrpoon business and
ropes and pullsys, and that kind of
truck.
II takes this whole shootin' match
over ON San Clemente island. you IN
derstand, an says nothin' to nobody.
Next thing knows reads in the pa.
pers that some sailors has captured this
enormous whale off San Clemente. |
gets on the cars, goes down to San Pes
dro, waits till the whale is lowed in and
buys it from these mugs for $4,000, you
understand.
Now, Pm in the play all this slime,
See But | has these mugs posted an
they never let's on. | beaches the whale
and starts for the city. | gifts hold of
these newspaper reporters. Ssel And
| sets 'em up to the whole crowd and
we has little lunch together. what
costs me something like 80 or 40 cases.
Next morning the public gifts filled up
about that whale. See the PROPOSE
tionP
II goes down to Their railroad people
next mornin' and says: Here, you
people wants to get in on this PROPOSE
tion on the ground floor. see?' | gifts
these railroad people comm my way
an I'm fixed, you understand. l says:
Here, you rigs me up two fiat cars and
say nothin'.' Meantime I'm stsyin'
by ther reporters an gittin' atuff in the
papers about this whale an the pubic'a
gon' crazy, you understand, about the
whale Tommy Wills has got down az
San Pedro.
"Al this time 1 makes II appear
these sailors had devil of time git
tim this whale, see? l gives it out
there was four of 'em in the boat and
one OF 'em was killed when they was
tryin' to harpoon this whale, see?
"Ths papers gifts hold OF this story
and gives me two columns more ON it
next morning. Next thing you knows
the railroads running excursions to San
Pedro.
Ppm standing in with these railroad
people all this time, you understand,
getting q percentage on round trip
tickets to San Pedro. Pretty soon every.
body in towns seen the whale and some
OF 'em ID beginning to think they can
smell it, too.
snow, here's where the scheme comes
In. Here's where most OF these blokes
would get off but stays right by tho
people an we has this Nat car PROPOSE
ton rugged up with these two oars
hooked right together an big tank
built clear along both cars and just wide
enough for the whale. leaving a place
wide enough for to walk along side OF
this tank and get your peeps on the
fish. see2
SWELL, what does do next but rig
out these sailors, you understand, in
these sou westers and sprung. bottom
pants, and shirts with big collars and
white braid on, and all these piclur-
esqe toys. Then l loads me whale
aboard the car in Che tank, gifts me
sailors logged out and puts 'em aboard
with all this rope and pnlley and blub-
Der tank business and the hsrpoona
what they captured the whale with, and
We comes to the city.
"Here's whore me head shows, you
understand. Here's the gilt~edge part
of the scheme. We don't give the board
of health no show at this whale, but we
steers right up against one OF these ice
foc vou ndarafapd and s,;ts 10