Crawford avalanche., 1895-08-01
THE JOKERs' BUDGET.
JEsTs AND YARNS ~ FUNNY
MEN or the PRESS.
Johnnie Knew = A Kansas Mans
Yearning-Well Qualifed-Why She
Couldn't Use Thorn, etc., etc.

Couldn't Use Thorn, etc., etc.
JOHNNIE KNEW.
The Teacher-Now, who can tell me
which travels the faster-heat or cold 2
Johnnie Bright (promptly)-Heat, OF
course. Anybody can catch cold.
A KANSAS MANS yKARNING.
Civilization consists in putting on stih
collars and two layers Of clothes in sum-
mer instead of towel. [Atchison Globe
WE'LL QUALIFIED.
Farmer Jones-What hev yer larned at
yer college, SOM
Son--Why, dad! / can throw the ham,
mer further than anyone there.
Farmer Jones-Thets good. / guess
yer'll hev no trouble In gittin' or Job in er
blacksmith's shop then.
AN ENsTRANGEMENr
Maude-How is your friend, Miss
Flaunter, now.
Ethel-She Is no friend of mine. Pm
not on speaking terms with her now; we
only kiss when we meet.
WHY SHE COULDN'T USE THEM.
This is what was heard in theatre the
other night. They were in private boz,
and she was both pretty and well dressed.
But she was in bad temper because she
could not see the stage. why" said he,
trying to mollify her, "did you not bring
your opera glass?"
Il did, bu: can't use it."
'Is it broken"
''No, but l forgot to put on my
bracelets"
NOT WARNED IN TINE.
Teacher-If you had told me the truth
] shouldn't have whipped you.
Johnnie, (whimpering)-W didn't yer
tell me that fore ! told ther lie.
AN INQUIRY.
"Where's the bar" said dirty-looking
stranger of waiter ut hotel the other
day.
"What kind of bar ?" asked the latter.
"Why, liquor bar, of course; what do
you suppose mean!"
"Well," drawled the boy, 81 didn't
know but you might mean a bar of soap"
TWO OF THEM.
Tramp-Do you know what it is, sir, to
be Stunned by all; to not have the grasp
of single friendly hand?
Stranger-Indeed, do. I'm life in
surance agent.
IN THE WRONG PEW.
81 want to take out some life insur-
ance," he said.
Certainly" exclaimed the active young
man as he hastily gathered an application.
"What occupation, please!"
Baseball umpire"
you'll find the accident company just
across the hail." coldly came the active
young mans voice as he slowly laid his
pen aside.
KIND HEART.
Mrs. Kindle, (reading letter. My good
ness. Aunt Hetty, your great-aunt, you
know, is coming on visit, and may be
here any moment.
Daughter-Yes, ma.
"You are younger than 1 am, dear.
Hurry up to the attic and bring down that
green pasteboard box lying among the old
clothes and things in the corner"
"There are two green boxes there.
Which do you want?"
bring the one with those outlandish
Christmas presents Aunt IIetty sent us, and
put them on the parlor table New York
Weekly.
SHE LIKED HIM.
Mrs. Gray-Strange that you should
consult DIR. Jalap, when your husband is
physician.
Mrs. Black find it more helpful to
consult DIR. Jalap. When begin to tell
him about my bad feelings he always asks
me to hold out my tongue. But my hus-
band only tells me to hold it."-Boston
Transcript.
'.What a charitable woman Mrs. Cab
berly is"
Isn't she; why, when the Hinkley fail
ure came on, she sent for Miss Hinkley
and gave her all her summer sewing to do,
and paid her fifty cents a day for it, 1t was
nice of her, think"
Very; she'll get her reward some time"
eyes; she's had some reward already.
She saved seventy-five cents day on all
the work Miss Hinkley did."-Harper's
Bazaar.
LAw-ABIDING GIRL.
Mrs. Mcbride (entering the kitchen)-
Bridget, didn't see that policeman kiss
you?
Bridget - Well, mum, sure an yeZ
wouldn't hev me lay mesilf open to artist
for rcsistin' an officer, mum. -Harper's
Bazaar.
CONSIDERABLE HoUsE-BRRAKER.
Husband-I'm sorry that burglar got
your watch last night, my dear; but there's
one thing to be thankful for.
Wife-What's that?
Husband-He didn't wake up the baby.
-Tit-Bits.
CRAZINBss.
Tommy - Paw, what makes people
think the moon has anything to do with
anybody being crazy?
Mr.. Figg-I don't know. Probably the
idea started in connection with the honey
moon.-Indianapolis Journal.
BY WAY OF ILLUSTRATION.
Theodore-Tell me, what is the mean
ing of the expression, "puling your legY"
Richard-I can't tell you in so many
words; but l will illustrate. You haven't
$40 about you that you can let me have
for week or two? Thanks. Tran
script.
QUESTION OF PEDIGREE.