Alma record. (Alma, Mich.) 1878-1928, 1895-04-26

Sne w ny a, III American women are
so mUcl more attractive 10 fore. gner~
with titles than Eag i-h women are
He Because they nave more dJiars aud
less SENSE. -D,tr08 FIRE. Press.
81 want to Introduce YOU to Mrs Bel
adonna. Sne 4, one of TIE new wOnl-
en- YOU know An, Which sind
the woman with n past or the one with a
future?' - AtduHupolr JournaL
Telephone girl want TO ook at
some Kid gloves. sale, .adN What
number please, Telephone glii Csur-
prised) Why. how did you know tha,
worked there N,merriHc JonrH0i.
Hogan Those are two Terrible black
eve, yer got Grogau. Grosan lez
ought To sc the o;ucr tc,or Hogan
How does he looka Grogan -Oi dun
now. Oi cudn't see him. - " L.
Hfrd'd
Mrs Suongmnd What would you
men say ii 900 900 women should rise
in their righteous wrath and demand the
ballot at the point OF the bayonet9 Mr.
Strongmind (abstractedly) oh, rats, |
suppose. -.JHi9,.
Mrs Nagger DO You remember
how. when we were first married, YOU
used TO cal. me yoW white lily? MI.
Nagger Yes, and il you insist on "A
floral nickname now | will call you my
tiger lily. Iruth.
Primus Dalton's sight has become
strangely affected. poor fellow. He
sees everything double. Secondus-By
Joye. I'm glad sou mentioned II.
owe him pound, aud I'll tender him
this half-sov Punch.
"Josiar," said Mrs. Corntossel Il
thort congress was gOinter turn over "A
new leaf fur 1872 There was some
talk about it, but CUES, the Sugar trust
has gone an gummed up the pages too
much. - Washington STIR.
Wigwag No, dear, | cannot buy you
that bonnet Ny creditors are pressing
me too hard Mrs. W. (petulantly)
Oh bother the creditors Mr.. W
That's what I've been doing and they
won't stand it any longer.
Justice (severely) How could you.
sir. be so mean a To swindle people who
put confidence in you? Prisoner Well,
Judge, Iii make it worth something to
yer If you'll tell me how to work them
As don't LILIES Calehdar.
Philosopher-What is it that you
women want? Mrs. Strongmind-All
we want is Justice. PhilOsopher-O
Justice? Then why DO you always
patronize the graphers who have
the best retouchers?-N \. Weekly
The will is opened. the notary reads:
Item. bequeath to my nephew, Jean
Pierre, the two sheep ttst straved away
a fortnight back. provided they turn
up again; if not, | bequeath them TO my
faithful servant. Nicholas lie Gaul1tS.
Miss Singlewun-Wh hateful thing
Lyddv White is! Miss Thingummy-
Why. what has she been saying now?
Miss Singlewun-l just happened TO say
she'd never see - again, and she said;
Not when look at you. '-BoStoH I'aa-
script
Lover - You are getting prettier
every day. Sweet Girl-Just now
am living on brown bread and water to
improve my complexion. How long
can you keep that up?' 20 indefinite
ly." Then lets get married. ~ \.
Weekly.
A Heroine Teacher-Tommy Figg,
you may define the word heroine.
Tommy heroine Is woman that ,
always cryin an marries the biggest
fool in the play, just because he's got a
little dood mustache. - Indianapolis
journal.
Whimsicus-I always knew that thir-
teen was an unlucky number! Jollicus
gave an awfully swell dinner the other
night, and there were just thirteen at
table Fiimsicus Well, what happened
Whimsicus What happened? Why.
wasn't nvited"-Judge.
New arrival--Me legs most broke.
I've heard tn Amerykins was nation
av inventors; but, bedad! it don't look
loike it, Friend -Phwy not? New ar
rivsl-Sure, phwy hov mt they inventid
a coal-hole thot will SHAY shut phwin
it's open?- " T. weekly
Parson hnson-How's yo' son git
tin on in de city, Mrs. Jackson Mrs.
Jackson -Misabul. misabul He hain't
got no mo- sense dan his fader had at de
same age. Parson Johnson-W-w =
ne ben doiu'? Mrs. Jackson with
magniticence) He's ben gittn' mar
ried to low-down brack wench.
DashaWav-Yo believe in the efficacy
Of prayer, uncle. But suppose a chicken
from your neighbours yard should hop
by your kitchen door and YOU should get
down ON your knees and pray for that
chicken to enter do YOU think your
prayer would be answered? Uncle
Ebony mos sart!uly do. sab. But IN
dat case, sab, should sprinkle few
grains OF con on the step LIFE.