Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-02-03
BOYS WILL BE BOYS.
But ior All That They Should b
Spanked Every Day.
mEAxxEss THEIR RULING PASSION.
Good Lads Die Young to Keep
Up Their Reputations-Poik NIL
ier.. Fanny wsys-Matters That
Worry HIS Manage.

dren did something calculated to make
everybody else swear we would simply
chuckle and say. Boys will be boys;
but on the other hand. when somebody
else's youngsters did something mean'
then we vigorously Joined In the swear
ing ourselves This IS true--too true
and don't suppose there's any way OF
checking this parental blindness. For
my part. wish to Apologies for having
been a boy. II had had my way about
II. things never would have been as they
were. but l couldn't help H. stu. l
offer my profound regrets, and snail 10
nenance all my life for having been an
urchin; know I carry a weight or sin
that never can be lifted. Adam. liz the
Garden of Eden. was the only man who
ESCAPED this odium. As he looked back
on his early life he never had cause 10
reproach himself for having. In burst
Of puerile exuberance, ruined pair or
brand-new Sunday pants; neither did he
In his old age ever get an opportunity TO
tell his children and his grandchildren
Of the prizes he won at the spelllng-bee,
or the chromos he captured by his glib
recitations of the primary rules OF Eng
rsh grammar. He never was boy
never had a mother who baked pies bet
ter than Eye-and never knew what IL
was to wade the shallow tributaries or
the Euphrates and the Tigres with his
shoes and stocking on when his parents
had expressly forbidden him to go near
the water In his penitent moments the
remorse Of having stuck needles into
blue-bottle flies never haunted his mind.
nor could he, when I'm a reminiscent
mood. bring back the unforgotten days
when he sprinted over the potato-patch
in the Garden of Eden to pursue the re-
calcitrant June-bug. or the heighbors
tom-cat. What Adam had 10 live for 's
more than / can see. He missed the best
and the meanest period Of his life-the
period when he could have made himself
a worry and a source OF aggrayation to
the whole community. and when he could
have rejoiced incessantly In the realiza-
ton of his own cussedness.
But what Adam lost In the way OF fun
(alIas meanness) has been amply made
up for by the masculine offshoots OF his
family tree. and / suppose the response
bllity OF having been the father'of the
first boy In this world IL as heavy bur-
den as he ought TO bear. Heaven mas
marked the imprint OF Satan upon every
youngster who ever wore knickerDockers,
and likewise upon a good many who don't
wear Knickerbockers. for since come 10
reflect upon IL / remember that some
nations regard clothing as unnecessary.
From time immemorial the barrel-staVe
t..o hn r1lh
the only restraining influence that could
nrevent their fiendlshness, and even when
these hover In their neighborhood you
had better keep one eye on them. A bad
boy is bad enough, but a good boy IS
worse The latter though rare birds,
have been known to exist, but they are
few and far between. Many neat
recherche little tombstones In our ceine-
teries mark their resting-places, for they
all die young. The reason exemplary lads
SO soon cease IL Is because they have 20
die to keep Up their reputattons Ihs
cussedness OF many one would propapS
have broken aloose the next day after
that which he prudently selected as the
occasion OF his demise. And, TO tell you
the truth. I'll bet you twenty to one that
the ghosts OF these little 'goody-goodies
come out every night and throw rocks AZ
each other or indulge In other juvenile
recreatlons which would harrow the SOUS
OF us old folks. A boy who cannot throw
stones and twang away with pea-shoot-
or is as miserable as human being couin
possibly be, and II you remove prohiol-
lion from his llfe and allow him to ACT
inst as he wishes, he will pine away hke
a wild bird in its cage. lf Adam hau ever
been a boy, Eve would never nave gotten
the first bite OF the forbidden fruit-ho.
l.rs n
for II with a slung-s shot until he brought IL
down--ves. even II he knew 1t was going
10 take him a thousand years TO do II. but
n some one had said: Look at that rice
annie. sonny; you can have II IL you
knock IL down with your pea-shooter,
he would have quit the undertaking Win
disgust. The element OF prohibition wouiu
have been removed then, and that poy
wouldn't any more have thought or mon
keying with that fruit than ne wouin
have thought OF monkeying-l was ABOUT
TO say with a buzz-saw. but, upon re,
Election, realize that nothing wouio
please an urchin more than buzz-saw'
But. after all, I'm just IKE everybody
else for here I find myself remarkins
that the boys OF our family are the best
little imps who ever lived. while i
don't apprehend any premature deaths IN
our household from excessive piety,
think 1 can unhssitatingly say that the
urchlns here are walking In the ways
they should go. Now, there's the Oldest,
who doesn't do anything but read the
"shorter Catechism' and "Bunyan's Pill
grim's Progress from morning until
night. It's all due to my good training
The day first detected him reading the
Catechism i made up my mind wha'
steps to take. caught him by his pue-
rile ear. and said, Look here, what's
this you're reading" "catechism. pa, -
he said, as he put his hand In his pocket
TO keep the fshing-worms and strings
therein from slipping out. "Catechism
Is IL. you Internal little duner?
roared; haven't told you a thousand
times not to read that?" And 1 TOOK
him 10 the shadow of the wood-pile. and
put the parental blight on him-yes J
whaled him so that he preferred TO stand
for the next six weeks. Now. this wasn't
cruel; IL was teaching that boy the way
he should go. I knew-and he knew IL,
too-that he wouldn't do thing the next
day but read Shorter Catechism from
morning till night. BY strictly FORBID
ding him to read religious works i have
inspired him 10 devour plous literature
until he's q regular missionary-tract.
He sits up In the mulberry-tree for hours
at a tirne-where he knows he's our OF
my reach-and studies the lives or the
saints as II all his earthly happiness de-
pends upon IT, And why?-because I've
fooled him into thinking l didn't want
him to do II. That boys pure cussed-
ness will make him a preacher
The other boys round our way are
just as good. but I'm not educating tnem
10 be ministers. am schooling one OF
them TO be temperance lecturer. some
time ago got out my jug OF oenzine anu
commenced smelling OF II. IL always
does me good TO smell it-it makes y.
last longer whats that, popF sain
Willie. as he innocentiy and unobserved
placed a tack. point upwards, In the
chair where he thought I'was most APT
10 ulant myself. This Is some nice
mineral water" quoth I. that l want
my little boys TO drink so that they u
grow strong and big. Then when tney
get TO be men they can make money ana
won't have 10 wear papa's old Clothes. .
And with that I affectionateiy caressed
a pie-smeared chin and carelessly )uggied
a scent piece, which discretion little
later prompted me TO return 10 my
nocket These boys. being ever ready
10 lime their innermost recesses with
whatever appears edible or drinkaoie.
tackled the rum, and drank an amount
which astonlshed, nay. grieved me. Tor
only Ave fingers thereof remained. BUT
7 faced my duty. ! encouraged them 10
ain more fthey liked II, you can ben, ana