The daily morning Astorian. [volume] (Astoria, Oregon) 1883-1899, 1895-07-10

Diggles-Not nearly as funny as the
people who thing 1t funny.
Ready to Quit-"Must you ever pursue
me?" demanded the heroine, in sudden
desperation. The villain contemplated
her with softened visage. "Id quit right
now" he declared, 'If could get my
back salary. Detroit Tribune.
Gadzooks-I told you what 1t Is, Con-
gresham Trimmer Is one of the most
extreme bimetallists In the Democratic
party.
Zounds-How do you make that out?
Gadzooks-Easy enough; two or three
years ago his speech was silver, while
just now his silence is golden.
A youth to fortune and to fame un-
known sent Dumas the manuscript of a
new play, asking the dramatist to become
dis collaboration. Dumas was for a
moment petrihed, then he seized his pen
and replied: 'How dare you, sir, call
me a horse?" Dumas by next mail:
Send me your play, my friend?'-Chi-
cago News.
The Protestant Episcopal convention
of the Diocese of Maine has just granted
to women the right to vote in parish
meetings. Tt is rather an interesting fact
that Bishop Doane of Albany, who re-
Gently came out so strongly against
woman suffrage, usually spends his sum
mers in Maine The Methodists of Color
ado have just voted in favor of admit
ting women as lay delegates to the gem
eral conference.
Members of the Chicago board of edu-
ca,ion do not object to teachers riding
to and from school on bicycles. One of
them. A. S. Trude thinks "it would
be downright tyranny, just at the time
when every other woman is riding
wheel, or trying Ito, for a few men to
get together and say the teachers shall
go to and from school. My observation
Is that women who have wheels at their
heels are not troubled with them in their
heads"
There had been a big wedding in high
life the night before, and Brown and
Robinson were discussing its glories at
the club.
Great affair, that!" said Robinson.
Magnificent" agreed Brown.
How the wine flowedp
And how the boys did bathe in it!
No one took too much, though-except
Jones'"
"Yes. That's the worst of Jones. He
never knows when he's had enough. I'm
sure he was half seas over last night"
Half seas over? Oh, no! When l
saw him he was sailing into port."-Bos-
ton Budget
Exceeding His Instructions-Th cur
tain had risen on the third act, and
the momentary hush that preceded the
resumption of the performance on the
stage was broken by a stentorlan voice
from the rear of the auditorium:
rs DR.. Hgginpiker in the house?"
A tall, heavily whiskered man occupy
ing a front seat rose up.
IF Dr. Higgfnspiker is IN the house."
resumed the Stentorian voice, "he told
me L was to come here and call him out
at 10 o'clockw
Whereupon DR.. Higginspiker, looking
very red, picked up his hat and cane, and
walked down the aisls and loud and
enthusiastic app!ause.-Ch.cago Tr bune.
The dismissal of Paymaster Henry r.
Smith from the navy will not surprise
his brother officers, although t will
awaken in them feelings of sympathy.
Paymaster Smith was an officer on the
gunboat Concord, and was tried for
drunkenness absence without leave, and
scandalous conduct on the China station"
EX-Paymaster Smith has had an unfor-
tunate career. About six years ago, upon
his return from the China station in the
Essex, he mysteriously disappeared for
about a month. The police looked high
and low for him without finding she
slightest clew to his movements, and it
was finally concluded that he had been
the victim of foul play. He reappeared,
and refusing to give any account of HIM
self, was suspended for one year. Then,
on January o. 1894, he was court-mar-
tailed for absence without leave and
conduct unbecoming an officer and a gen.
tle4nan. The last court-martial, held re-
Gently, results in his ceasing to be an
officer of the navy.
Say, mister, how long before the mail
man'll be round yere?" was asked of
officer Barter yesterday by a very YER
dant hayseed who was toying with the
lock attached to the United States mail
box at Fifth and Morrison streets.
why? What do you want to know
for?" inquired the officer in turn.
Cause I've got a letter yere that
want Ito get to my folks up the valley"
well, look at the card on the end of
the beA; that i'll inform you when he will
next call for the mail"
II have, but 1 can't wait so long" re-
sponded Mr.. Hayseed; "'cause my sister
is up yonder street with our team. I've
a great mind to break that goldarned
lock to get my letter In, as want my
folks up the valley to know right off that
we've got the measles up to our place"
When officer Barter showed the YER
dant one how to drop his letter in to the
box without tampering with the lock,
Nc, Hayseed gave a long, low whistle,
exclaiming:
"GOldurn me! Yere I've been wait
ing and hanging on two hours for that
letter man to open the lock of that gol-
burned thing. Say, mister, when did
they invet that newfangled machine?"-
Portland (Me.) Telegram.