davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1895-02-21
AT THE WASHINGTON MON
UMENT.
The Crank Meant to Push it Over But
was Persuaded not to.

Washington is the Mecca of crankS.
II the monument seems to be their
principal shrine. Even the White
House is not so attractive to them as
the great white shaft. 1t can be seen
for miles around and seems to attract
crankS as a candle does moths. The
watchmen have become accustomed to
the gentry, and, as long as they appear
to be quiet and well-disposed, usually
deal gently with them, however wild
their ideas. One man they tell of de-
clared that the monument was built
Of human skulls and bones and per
sisted in pointing out the faces of
friends in the stones out perhaps the
oldest specimen on record happened
down there the other day.
When the Waterman first observed
him he was leaning heavily against the
shaft, apparently pushing with all his
might-at least he would push for
awhile, and then he would walk
around to the other side, apparently
to see if there were any people there.
The Waterman watched this proceed
ing for a while and then accosted
him:
BEG pardon; YOU aren't going to
push it over, are you?"
Il could, if I wanted to-" responded
the man; then, with immense dignity:
'My name is Samson
ooh, the strong man." ventured the
Waterman, sizing up the man, who
was about five feet five, and not ap-
parently muscular. LET me see, you
were down at Kernan's Theatre a few
weeks ago, weren't you?"
mo, sir" replied the man sternly.
81 am the reincarnated Samson of
Biblical times; the one who overthrow
the Philistines. Staying thousands with
the jawbone Of an ass, and afterwards
pulling down the pillars of the Temple.
Why, it would be mere child's play,
for me to- upset this puny monument"
"Well, wouldn't do it if 1 were you"
expostulated the Waterman. mildly.
You see this is in memory of Wash
ington; probably you have never heard
Of him. as he was a little after your
Ilhlt, put We llOueGuS Iullh d SOOO
deal Of him. Then it cost the govern
ment a good deal of money and took
a good many years to build this monu-
mert, and a good many people would
consider it unkind of you to destroy
it. Take me, for instance. I am hired
to watch it, and. Of course. you would
throw me out of a Job. Besides. you
might hurt somebody"
NO. l was very careful to look on
the other side first said the man.
But perhaps you think I can't do
it? Now YOU just look up and see me
shake it"
The watchman was agreeable. Now,
it is a fact that when n stands
directly at the base of a monument it
appears to be topping over. This is.
of course. an optical delusion, caused
by the clouds moving overhead, but
Il impressed the crank with his power.
Did You see me shake it," he in
quired triumphantly.
Yes" responded the Waterman sol
EMMY, "but l wouldn't do so any more.
You might weaken the foundations.
even if you didn't push it over. Be-
sides, here comes a crowd of people.
and @ knowing who you are, they
might laugh at you. Then you would
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1895-02-21
THE NEW SHOE.

In reply to the question what is the
finest and smartest shoe Of the season,
a fashionable New York shoemaker
said: st is made Of dongola skin, a
species Of goat skin, and very Well
does this wear 1t is the boot which
has taken the place Of the French kid,
and we have this dongola kid glazed,
making it thus a little more dressy
than the heavy walking boot-now
more in demand than ever. We can
not get our orders out for the caIfskin
boot, and the favorite last is the very
pointed toe"
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1895-02-21

have to push it over Il prove it to
them
That's So" said the crank, and
bidding the Waterman Good day."
he departed, and has not been seer
about the monument since-Washing-
ton Post.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1895-02-21

Litigant. You take nine-tenths Of
the judgment? Outrageous"
Lawyer. 81 furnish all the skill and
e%loquence and legal learning for your
cause"
Prisoner. "Ycur Honor, this police
man struck me.
New York Magistrate. For how
much ADMINISTRATION Star.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1895-02-21

Friend-"Well, Ethel. how do yor
like married life? Ethel (~enthIsias-
uically)-"It's simply delightful. We've
been married a week and have had
eight quarrels, and l got the best of
1t every me.'-London Fun.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1895-02-21
THE LESSON FROM THE EAST

The var abroad has taught US many
little things of late
That gleam from out the record. as
we cal it.
For instance, here's a point to those
who yearn to decorate
1t rather breaks up China to
Japan it.
Richmond Dispatch.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1895-02-21

New York World:-The Chinese idea
of war seems to be to be caught nap
ping and Kidnapping.
Evening bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1895-1912, 1895-06-03
DOES
ADVERTISING
PAY?

To solve the problem as well as to
ascertain whether advertisements at
tract the attention OF newspaper readers,
we offer a pair of our best $500 shoes
(SG.5O anywhere else) to the person who
the cleverest advertisement of our shoes.
IL must De original concise and to the
ordinary want al. found in the daily
papers.
Advertisement to be written on one
side of white paper and signed by the
competitors full name and address.
State the name of the paper in which
you saw this notice and enclose your eff
fort in an envelope marked:
Evening bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1895-1912, 1895-06-03
CONFLICT OF AUTHORITY.
A Permit Granted by Aldermen
of New York Claimed to BE
Illegal.


New YORK, May 24.-Public
Works Commissioner Brookfeld
has issued an order forbidding the
building of a vault by the Astors
under the sidewalk at Thirty-fifth
street and Fifth avenue. Work
was stopped yesterday. The Astors
got permission from the Board of
Aldermen to build the vault, but
Mr.. Brookfeld says that the Board
has not the right to grant the per-
NIT and that the building of a
vault beyond the building line is il
legal and will not be permitted.
Evening bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1895-1912, 1895-06-03

nW- All entries are TO be made with
the Secretary before L n URSBAY, June s,
1896. Entrance fees to be 10 per cent. Of
purse, unless othrrwise specified, r.. ...
Suw- All Races TO be run or trotted
nndSr the rules of the Hawaiian Jockey
Club. ...
NO. All Horses are expected to start,
uniess withdrawn by 8 O'Clock A. n. on
June 10. 1895
aeue' al Admission .............5 so Cents
Grand Stand (RxtrA) .... so Cents and 81
Carriages INSIDE Of course) each. 80. $2-6o
Quarter Stretch Badges. ............... IS
8. g. WILDER,
Secretary Hawaiian Jockey Club.
133S-td
Evening bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1895-1912, 1895-06-03
ARRIVAL COAL CARGO

British ship DOwan Hill 1873
Days From Cardiff to San
Diego.
SAN DIEGO, May 21.-The British
ship Dowan Hill, Captain Milne, ar
rived to-day, 1873 days out from Car
diff, 1898 tons of coal, Capt. Milne
reported an uneventful passage
from Barry and light head winds
from the equator up, causing some
delay. On February 21st he spoke
the British ship Hawksdale, from
Cardiff for the Gulf of California,
in latitude So deg. south and longi-
tude 60 deg. west.
Evening bulletin. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1895-1912, 1895-06-03
HERE'S AN !NEA:
A chance to get
PAIR OF SHOES
FOR
Ten Minutes Work!

The question among the business men
OF Honolulu is:
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16
The Air We Breathe.

A new and novel instrument is the koniscope, or dust testing apparatus. It is not complicated scientific machine being solely intended for estimating in an easy and simple manner the amount of pollution and number of dust parti- cles in the atmosphere. The action of the instrument is based on certain color phenomena associated with what is call ed ''cloudy condensation of air" and which can be produced by steam jets. high or low temperature of the air. the increased number of dust nuclei, etc. In working the koniseppe the air is drawn into the apparatus by means of a common air pump and quickly pass ed to the test tubes, which are fitted with glass at both ends. When the tube thus charged is held toward the light. various colors, from pure white to near ly black blue, according to the purity or impurity of the sample under test are indicated. The dust particles also form an important factor in these tests, the variation in their number causing the mirror to throw all the colors of the rainbow. Louis Republic.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16

bonnet and her eyes screened with glasses, was astonished. She saw a woman thTee or four years older than herself, the beauty of her head and neck contrasting with the homeliness of her costume. Miss Baggs noticed Souri's surprise. and going up to her took both her hands and kissed her cheek.
 You sweet child. she said feeling. ly, you cant get over my appearance when you met me on the road this morning, can you? What fright must I have seemed to you! I don't care fol those Yankee officers but bless your innocent heart I cant bear to have shocked you.
 Souri did not reply i'll words, but she looked at Miss Baggs admiringly.
 Don't think hard of me, the latter went on, drawing Souri aside and mo- tioning the rest to go on into the dining room. II do only what believe to be a duty. for you must suspect that keep 8 secret. You could not play part be- meath you, child. You are too loving, too innocent. and you wonder how any other woman can. "
 II did once.'
 When:
 Before l went to sohool.''
 For your country"
 No"
 Miss Baggs looked into Souri's deep eyes and asked softly: For love-
 Souri dropped her eyes to the floor. but her questioner, who by this time had put an arm around her. received no reply.
 "Come." she said, "let us not torture each other. I see we both have our se- crets.
 She led the way to the dinner room, where the general and his staff were standing waiting for the two women. The party were joined by Farmer Slack and Jakey, and all sat down at a signal from the general.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16
THE OFFICIAL. ELEVATED HIS ARMS,

up and make such n spectacle of him as we hope never 10 look upon again in this world. Wo waited a minute to seo what tho marshal proposed to do about 1t, and seeing his chin quiver and his knees knock together we reached out for Potter. When We had dsarmed him and driven him into the mud, it was discovered that the gun he had used to bluff Mc(iee with hadn't a cartridge in it. It is needless to remark that the marshal was suspended from duty on the spot When all was over, he wept like q child and brought forward n dozen excuses, but he had been held up, and thaI settlod it On "Wednesday morning, afr'SS having remained in hiding for several days he departed for Montana. Those who saw him ride away say that he seem ed to have aged ten years in the three oi four days. 0
 We ar now looking for a good man to appoint as city marshal. We don't care whether he is a resident of the town or a stranger. We'd take a medical student from Boston with his hair parted in the center if satisfied that he was the right party. He must have nervc and sand and presence of mind. He will bo shot at hali a dozen times perweck, but his salary will he large enough to cover all risks If sud denly turning q corner and running up against six or eight guns, ho might be ex. cused for betrayinS n mOmentary nstonish ment, but if he thruws up his hands for anything else ho will promptly lose his job. He is pretty sure to be killed inside of six months but that contingency is provided for. The city will give him a respectable burial and forward his widow one month s extra salary All applicants must apply in person at the mayors office in the town hall.
 TAKE \OTICE.-For some time VIC have i been in correspondence with a New York editor who is anxious to make a western trip for the benefit of his health, and who will make notes by tho ayside as he tray els He has decided to pay this town a visit next week and will bc our guest for three or four days. A Now York editor differs from all other editors. He never goes out with the boys to have fun. His idea is that all North America outside of
 New York city is grown up to huckleberry
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16
THE STNpIAL,

lot O boys heah in St. Louis that hain't got no bettah business nights and Sun days than to pound co'thouse dials with rocks and things jest to destroy them.
 When the othah one was toah down, suh, up and kicked. Yes, did told the county authorities that if they wanted to have any sundial left at all they d half to be watchman heah nights and Sun days. You sec, tho city p'lice is cahless about county prop'ty, and they prob'ly wouldn't do nothing to nobody, not if they even ca'h'd off the co'thouse itself, suh let alone just smashing sundial or two. I got the watchman heah after a had fight, suh. and, as you see, I've saved one of the dialS. But mo and my watch man. WIG has to watch out mighty sha'p, reckon"
 This delightful janitor's name is Griffin, and he is Quainter even than the old dials In person he resembles our Uncle Samuel, save that, instead of being thin and angu- lar. he is round and stout and ruddy. When I first saw his face, I was almost surprised because his trousers wero not striped red and white and his vest was not blue and star spangled. His office is in a big bare room in the basement, where he sits mosr of the time in a thronelike chair on d raised daislike platform alter nately chewing shaved plug and smoking natural leaf -obacco. He must have a right smart pull of some sort, or at least be in what in Chicago and St Louis is called the ''p'ISh, " for when during our chat today a county official entered and pleaded for feather duster for his office the custodian CS the building consulted certain memor1Eda before replying. Then he said slowly aIsd impressively while he carefully shaved off enough plug for a fresh quid:
 ''You'v had oEC fcathah dustah a ready this month, MistaL Jones, can't spaih you no mo til next month. You must use the dustahs on youah boots in youah office. Mistah Jones the way you git away with thcm."
 Tho official bowed himself timidly out of the presence, and the janitor explained to mo that he had four reel good grounds for anxiety
 I'm worried all tho tino about tke way them officials in p'ticlah the yOuncah ones, uses up the county supplies I'm afraid tho boyS'll break the remaining dial, I'm in doubt lest the countyll sec lit to teah this grand old co thouse down and put up great big steel frame modern building, and hate to see the paintings in the doom go to ruinatiun.
 It should be explained that perhaps the most interesting fcature of the courthouse is the mural decoration of the rotunda
 If you'll examine them theah paint ings, suh, you'll observe that they wcre once very fine They cost right smart heap OE money, suh, when they was paint ed. II was n German gentleman that done them, Suh l diSrirollcct his name, but he was Il leg lah old ma>tah, though, as you can >ce f"h yo'scl'. Now they arc all pt.ling oil, suh, and the oh 'iccst works of art in St Louis is a-fallinS to the floor of the doom in dust to he tramplCd undah the feet of men
 The janitor iS right in what he says about the pictures, for they were painted by Carl WimaS, whose paintings of Indians have long bccn considered really great as works of art NJ l. DEXTER
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16
ENuIRIT A.

he tapped with the hammer on one side. the other immediately displayed n can tankcrOuS disposition. There are six ends to three joints of stOvcpipc
 Mir. BowSer counted them and was per feCtly satisfied of this fact Three of the ends ought to have fitted into the other three, but they were mulishly obstin3te. He was trying to fit the elbow somewhere between the three joints to see if he could not break the combination and hit prize chromo when Mrs. BOwscr entered again.
 Arc you having trouble." she asked.
 Not bit was just experimenting a little. As you are only in the way, you'd better go down. If 1 want your valuable assistance, I'll call you"
 Mr Bowscr's faco was streakod with precipitation and Srime. His shirt sleeves had wiped off goodly portion of the stove blacking, Even tho back of his neck seem- ed to have como in contact with the pipe. After Mrs Bowscr had gone he tried the elbow on the joint which he had mentally marked Exhibit A" No go. Then he tried it on Exhibit B." No go Neither end of Exhibit c" would fit in or fit over.
 Meanwhile Mrs. Bowser was getting the baby to sleep, but at the same time listen ing intently for the climax she knew was certain to come. She heard the squeak ns Mir. Bowscr pressed on one end of a joint with his knee and flattcned the pipe to the thickness of n pancake, and chills went over her. Sho know when he got the pipo under his feet to press it back, and q hunted look Camo into her eyes. She fol- lowed his movements as ho wiped his face on tho bcdsprcad and then picked up a l joint to attach it to tho stove. He tuggcd. 1 He panted. He let go to get q better hold and in imagination sho could sec his | eyes hanging out likc peeled onions. Her l heart was standing still when there was a great crash up stairs. That was Mir. Bow scr falling over the stove. The second crash was the stovo falling over Mir. Bow | ser.
 That gurgling sound was Mir, Bow l scr trying to say something She heard him get up. As he jumped on the different joints in succession and | mashed them flat the chandeliers below | waved in the breeze. She heard the win dow go up, she heard each piece of pipe l strike in the alley, and the crash of the stove which followed made the baby yell out. Then she heard Mir. Bowser kick over two chairs, bang the wardrobe and : start down with slump, slump, slump, | hair on end, collar wiltcd and holding uI a bleeding finger, and as he entered the sitting room she prepared for the incvita
 ble. It came. Hc described several gyra
 tions in the air with the cut finger, as
 stunned pose intended to mako her fec ! her nothingnesS and said;
 1 Mrs. Bowscr shall telephone to my | lawyer. When he comes send him direct
 to the library-to the library, Mrs, Bow !
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16
OIL, MY!
HOW OFTEN THIS Is SAID BY
 THOUSANDS.

How is it:that I caSnot get a good cup of Coffee?
 This is the person We are look ing foT. Come and see us and we wifi relieve you of the trouble you have to find just .he coffee you want.
 Thirty years daily coming in con- tact with cases of this kind has given us the required knowledge of how to put up coffee in order 10 sult all tsst .. By giving us a trial is the only way in which we can prove to you the truth of the above statement. We recommend to those wishing a strong and economical coffee our br. uI of $ O'clock Granulated Breakfast Coffee, D cents a pound and what vii make it reach the top notch of y.ur palate, a can oi Milk maid Condensed Milk. This will be found If cream is not used a vast improvement to Co ee.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16
THE ARIZONA KICKER.
The New City Marshal Proves Himself
 to Be Incompetent.

The New City Marshal Proves Himself
 to Be Incompetent.
 WANTED.-When the mayor of this town (Tho is ourself) appointed Sam Nc Gee city marshal, tho appointment met with prompt and enthusiastic approval. Sam was not only known as good fel- low, but everybody was sure that he had sand In tracing up his record we seemed to discover that he was man without fear, and on accepting the office ho took hold of things in n way to make our heart glad. On the first day of his official ca reer o.d Tom Harper, tho bar hunter of Arizona, came to town, got drunk and started in to shoot tho insulators of tho telegraph poles on Apache avenue. The city marshal had him in tho lookup in side of ten minutes. Up to last Saturday evening we had the fullest confidence in our appoIntcc. We believed that nothing was too big for him to tackle, and that the man wasn't born who could make him lay down.
 At o'clock on the evening named as we were talking with the marshal in front of tho postotfice a sawed of, stub toed, cross eyed kuss named Potter, who had been hanging around town for week, walked up to Sam presented a gun and ordered him to hands up. To our supreme disgust and intense surprise the official elevated his arms, and his face took on a chalky color. As matter of fact he was bluffcd. Because taken of his guard, ho allowed half grown reptile to hold him
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16
ITS ALL IN OBSERVATION.
Mrs. Dr. Sherlock Holmes Informs a Vii
 itOr What He Came For.

Mrs. Dr. Sherlock Holmes Informs a Wis
 itor What He Came For.
 She sat in her parlor-MS; Dr. Sherlock Holmes-wben there was a ting at the bell, and the maid announced GLflcr It was 6 man. He had scarcely been shown in and made tho remark that 1t was n cold day when the Habit of Observation" in quircd:
 How are all the folks at Podunk?"
 How-how did you know I came from Podunk:" gasprd the man in astnniSh- mcnt.
 Because it is sidehill town, and your boot heels arr run over to the eastward. You have a porous plaster on your back. '' II beg your pardon, but
 Deception will not deceive. I know it because you forgot yourself and started to rub your back against the edge nf the door You arc plumber. sir. "
 T know it, but didn't suppose you did, '
 II know everything. As you entered the hall you involuntarilv looked arnn nIl
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16
4 New Arithmetic.

The lady who camc into the book store was ono of the very primmest and most particular.
 Have you any arithmetics?" she in quired stiffly.
 Yes, madam, replied the polite clerk What kind?"
 Amy kind you wish, madam. We keep 6 complete stock
 Well, want an expurgated edition" II beg your pardon?" gasped the clerk
 II want an cxpurgated edition. de- sire it for my daughter, who is just begin ming that branch of study"
 II don't think quite understand you, madam," stammered the poor clerk
 The lady showed some slight traces of annoyance.
 Don't you know what an expurgated edition of book is?" she asked
 Certainly. madam. but not of an arith metic.''
 You must bc very stupid, " she said starting to go out, If you don't know that it means one from which the vulgar fractions have been eliminated"
 The clerk let her go at that-Dctroit Free Press.
Waterbury evening Democrat., 1895-01-16
|. nTissi,D Inf th. New.nap


 Tho clerSymcn of tho period have had much to say, first and last, about the mission of the public newspaper. None. however, has better set forth its work than tho reverend gentleman who was the orator at tho AttlebOro celebration. Said Mir. Wales, with perfect truth:
 Ut is the mission of the newspaper to publish news. Now. it is fact that, from the man who waters his milk to the cold blooded murderers, all degrees of criminal mankind want news sup pressed. Liars. thieves. scandal mon- gers. deceivers. burglars. fighters. adul- tererS. gamblers. drunkards and gentle men rascals all cry out against the news publishers. Their business is disturbed by the enterprise of newspapers. But no ono who is open and honest and free from any taint of transgression wants news suppressed. "
 It would be blessed thing for more than one congregation if those Clerics who are accustomed to carp at ,odern journalism, in season and out of season, would put themselves in possession of Mir. Wales remarks on the province of the newspaper and read, mark, learn and inwardly digest them. Boston Globe