The Portland daily press., 1895-02-02

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| suavely, II will give it up. think you are
fully entitled to it If it is one of your fami-
ly portraits Next to this we may place
he retort of The Irish gill. who, caught IN
the act of playing on Sunday morning and
being accosted by the parish priest with the
greeting. Good morning, daughter of the
evil one replied promptly, Good morning
fatherl"
Lord Cockburn, after long stroll. sat
down on a hillside beside shepherd and
observed that the sheep selected the coolest
situation for lying down. ''Mac," said he,
| II think if 1 were sheep would certainly
| have preferred the other side of that hill"
| The shepherd answered: "Ay, my lord. but
| if ye had been sheep ye would have bad
Tuair sense" and his lordsnip never tired
of relating the story and turning the laugh
on himself.
| Curran's friend was equally tickled by
the orators retort apropos of the jury sys-
TEN. The friend was Tagging of his attach
ment to it, and said: with trial by jury
l have lived, and, by the blessing of God.
with trial by jury will die"
"Oh,' said Curran in amazenient. "then
you've made up your mind TO be hanged,
Dick?"
I he yokel who was offering gratutious
| information al country fair was not SO
pleased He was disparaging the show of
cattle. 'tPriZe cattle" he said. scornfully.
Call these ERE prize cattle. Why, they
amt nothing to what our folks raised. You
mayn't think it, but my father raised the
biggest calf OF any man around our parts
II can we'll believe it.' observed by
stander, surveying him from head to foot.
The judge. who pointed his cane at pris-
oner and exclaimed: There is a great
rogue at the end of my cane" was not
pleased when the man looked hard at him
and asked, coolly: AT which end. my lord?'
CLEVER REMARKS IN COURT.
Legal retorts are very nuueI GUS and often
very good. Sometimes they take the from
of spar between opposing counsel and
| sometimes that of a facetious remark adj
dressed to the judge. as in the case. Wood
cock VS.. Bird when the chief JUSTICE hap
pening to remark that birds should live to-
gether in harmony, the counsel for Mr.. Bird
| replied. eyes, my lord, they should. but my
client complains of the length of the plain
tif's bill!''
Most frequently, however, the repartee
| takes the form of pointed remark by
| witness to bullying lawyer. "How do you
like your bacon and beans?" Mr.. Cookie
once asked a Witness BOILED, but with
out cookie sauce.' was the satisfactory
ply.
In fact. it is rather the fashion among a
| certain class of witnesses to decry the legal
profession on all possible occasions. OF
course such persons hetray very poor ap-
probation of the immense benefits the pro-
| fessi0n nfers upon and receives from So
ciety, but some men are never satisfied un-
L. HOY hipo NJ l.
legged utility. These are the men who
would second the prayer uttered by the
deaf Dean of Ely when, following speaker
who had commented upon an extraordinary
epidemic of mortality among halristers,
| and whom he had imperfectly heard, he
| said For this and every oil her merry
may the Lord make US devoutly thankful"
| When We hear happy retort The enjoy
ment. perhaps, arises from the sense of
| spontaneousness and admiration of the
readiness of the speaker. who may nave
| been taken at a disadvantage. Most pig
uant. however. is the situation when
one who has been tossed and sc Ted' sud-
denly springs to his feet and eNtricates
himself brilliantly. In such case there is
no heavy firing from the fort, but the fort
must be retaken. OF this class was the re-
tort of d Orsay 10 the facetious Tom Raikes.
diseur and dandy. but whose face no
amount of dandyism could beautify, it be-
ing deeply pitted. the nose especially, with
smallpox.
The latter had sent the gay Alfred copy
of offensive verses anonymously. which,
being shown about, caused great laughter
at the beau's expense. To maintain its as
sumed character he letter had been sealed
with wafer and thimhle. D'Orsay knew
who was the writer. The next time he saw
Raihes at the club he called out: 1.-The
next time, mon cher, you write an anony
nous letter, ont seal it with your nose"
This was coarse, wanting in finish, but
none the less effective. Seldom. another
great wit. made better retort when his
morbid taste was complained of in going
to see Lord Lovat beheRded. He explained
that he made amends by going to the under
| takers to see the head sewed on again.
| Rival editors are renowned masters of
repartee. AS an example. We may recall
that worthy who said that his opponent was
mean enough to steal the swill from blind
hog, and received the retort: 1T is in all
gentleness that we refer to him as living
liar We never stole his swill.n
Occasionally retort has enabled man.
kind to appraise an act of heroism at it's
| true worth, in the case of the man who
boosted of having been all through the bat
tie whel the bullets were thickest. This
was not denied by bystander, who. how
ever explained that the hero had all the
time lain perdu in the ammunition wagon.
Another example will complete the happy
repartees OF this nature. defender of his
country. home from the wars, was grapbt-
oally describing to his aged mother the fear
full loss experienced in advancing through
| IN pen country. "Why did you not take
shelter behind the trees?" she anxiously
| suggested.
"Trees!'' he scarnfulIy replied. why,
Their weren't enough trees for the o!fieers!"