davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Portland daily press., 1895-07-15

Campaigning has begun in England in
dead earnest. SiraWilliam Harcourt and
his wife were pelted at Derby by crowd
of Unionists, and the latter was struck
by missile and quite badly hurt Our
English cousins who are prone to descant
upon our election methods in uncompli-
mentary strain have evidently a very
large beam in their own eye which it
would be well to cast out before setting
up as a critics.
The Portland daily press., 1895-07-15
THE PRESS.
MONDAY, JULY Is.

The Wilson German tariff still con-
tinues to fall short of supporting the gov
eminent at the rate of nearly a million
dollars day. The financial statement of
the Treasury on June 20 gave some reasons
for expecting that the receipts during the
summer would come closely up to the ex-
penditures, but SO far the figures are
very disappointing.
The Portland daily press., 1895-07-15

More than two thousand people gathered
by the shore of Cobbosseecontee pond IN
Litchfield, Sunday, to witness the baptism
OF fourty -four converts, the result of the
labors of Miss Kendall and Mrs. Law
renee of Bowdoinham, Rev. F. W. San
ford, assisted ~ Rev. Mr. Bickford, a re-
turned missionary from India, and Rev.
S. o. burlington, officiated A rernarka-
BILE feature was the baptism of Master
Leonard Merrill, together with his father
and mother, Mr.. and Mrs. Beulah Mer-
rill; his grandfather and grandmother,
Mr.. and Mrs. Leonard Merrill, and also
his great grandfather and great grand.
mother, Mr.. and Mrs Henry Lunt the
former eighty six and the latter seventy
nine years old. This group of seven per
sons entered the water at the same time.
The Portland daily press., 1895-07-15
STATE TOPICS OF INTEREST.

One of the fish stories that is now being
laughed over, is of a gentleman who re-
Gently came for his first fishing trip. For
some time he had with his guide been
trout came along and took the bait. The
guide noticed the fact and said: ''Strike
him Strike him!'' The fisherman.
dropped his rod with wild look in his
eye, said: For Gods sake what do you
mean by telling me to strike him? Who
and what shall l striker Since then he
has learned that to strike fish is to hook
him.
The Portland daily press., 1895-07-15

The New York State Bankers Associa-
ton at their recent meeting at Saratoga,
adopted the following resolution:
Resolved, That the Bankers Associa-
The morning times., 1895-09-29
FOR THE NEW MAN.

YNDEPENDENT.-we think you VIII De
wise if YOU refrain from interfering in this
matter, even though you may do so with
the best of motives. If your sister is as
delicate as you say she is, it is far better
for her to remain quietly at home and look
after the children and her housekeeping.
She is fortunate in having husband who is
able to go out into the world and earn liv-
ing for her and himself, and we regard 1T as
a credit to him that he does do SO. In the
few cases where q husband or brother is
better fitted for the business world than
the women Of the family, he does no dis
credit to his sex when he is the bread-win-
ner. The strong Of either sex must Dear
the burdens of the weak.
GEORGE GIVE fear you are rather late
in the day with regard to your girls. Ii
you desire them to grow up pure in word
and deed, you must begin when they are
very little, just as you probably did with
your boys. word or phrase or story which
is too impure or profane for the lips of your
boys is just as evil in the girls. An oath
is neither feminine nor masculine. Vul-
garity is obnoxious In either sex, and the
idea that boys and men must necessarily be
more pure than their sisters, has no rea-
sonable basis; and another thing, does your
wife ever talk seriously.to her daughters on
these topics. She has duties to them, as
well as you, and you should gently remind
her that she has.
ANANIAS.-we sympathize with you In
your trouble, but are you sure that your
girl means to tell lies when she relates these
marvellous stories? 1t may be that she is
merely trying to reel off fairy tale to You,
q sort of make believe" as one does to
amuse children. Girls are usually truth
The morning times., 1895-09-29
The Reason for 1t.

1t took place in little, overgrown town
in the far West.
The man from the East had waited for
two hours and seventeen minutes for an
electric car.
When it arrived at last and he had climbed
aboard he asked the conductor, as he paid
his fare: "No accidents this norning?"
"None, SIR" replied the official.
Running on schedule timer"
1--WE are"
"Nothing the matter with the generators?"
mot thing"
The questioner paused for moment.
Then he asked:
"Well, would you mind telling me just no W
far apart these dashed cars do run, then"
mot at all SIR" replied the man in blue;
"every seventeen miles,"
Every seventeen miles," replied the
Fastener. "How do you mean?"
TRACKS seventeen miles long and this is
the only car"
Then the man from the East was satis-
fied.-Exchange.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
SHE Is NOT A POLITICIAN.
Whatever Else the New Woman May
Be She is Certainly Not That.

Whatever Else the New Woman May
Be She is Certainly Not That.
Ny only cause for telling political
story between campaigns is that heard
this particular anecdote Just the other
day. Last fall new woman set out to
prosclytize. She was very young new
woman, well satisfied with her own polti-
cal disability, but strongly determined to
make converts for the party to which she
fancied she belonged. She was parucu-
larly interested in a certain candidate.
running on the Democratic ticket. Her
first call was on her own godfather, a
Democratic warhorse, a man who has
worked and held office for the Democratic
party for many years.
"Godfather,' began the new woman,
~ want to get some votes for friend
of mine. BE is a per tectly lovely man
and l want you to promise to vote sfor
him."
''Maudie," replied the old man, who
naturally thought that the girl was asking
him TO make an exception in favor of
Republican, from his lifelong habit of
voting the straight Democratic ticket,
''you know l would do almost anything
for you, but can't go back on my party"
Maudie pleaded and pleaded, until finally
her godfather relented SO far as to ask who
the favored candidate might be.
why, Judge Blank, of course" answered
Maudie in some surprise, though his name
had not been mentioned up to that time.
The old mans face was a study for
while. Then he chuckled softly to him
self and said: "Girlie, have / TO be asked
at my time OF life to support nominee
of my own party? Don't you know that
Judge Blank is a Democrat and l am a
Democrat?"
But Maudie had burst into tears. 81
think you are mean, borrid, old man not
to have told me that when 1 began to
talk? How was l to know to what nasty
old party you belonged? 1 think politics
are just awful!''
And the promising political career of
one new woman ended right there.-Buf-
falo Express.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
No Friends of Peary.

There are at least two residents of Phila-
delphia who are thoroughly disgusted with
Lieut.. Peary and who consider him a
double distilled and unadulterated chump.
They are the two Polar bears out at the Zoo,
and just at present they have no use for the
doughty lieutenant who has just returned
from the frozen north. Mr.. and Mrs. Ursus
Maritimis, as the two, big, shaggy ami
maIs are known in polite society out at
the Zoo. could not repress their contempt
for any person who would come back to
sweltering Philadelphia from such a de-
nghtful place as Greenland, with its wealI.
OF ice floes and snow. "He might at least
have brought us some snowbals," grunted
one OF the bears, as be wiped the beads of
perspiration from his piuk ksnout.-Philadel-
phia Record.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
The Editorial Nemesis.

BE is coming with a clipping and won
drous air of news,
And he rushes in the sanctum-"Here's the
thing you want to use
Chuck full of information-best thing you've
ever known!"
And his Naturalization makes you tilt
your chair and groan.
He is coming, with an eager and most ex-
pectant air,
For the press has been too meagre In the
praise of one so rarei
HAS the Weekly Bugle Mentioned him?"
(Has just dropped in to know.)
You sigh and wish they'd pensioned him a
hundred years agol
Here's another-with a poem-she's Just
dashed 1t off like-that!
"where's the editor?" (Just show him how
the birds sing on her hath
the birds sing on her hat!
VIII you publish 1t tomorrow? Ut is
sweet enough to thrillD
And, so it goes, dear brethrenl (Haye you
been through the mill?)
Atlanta Constitution.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
which bathn peer
Queen of Pies.

She isn't versed in Latin, she doesn't
paint on satin,
She doesn't understand the artful Witch
cry of eyes;
But oh! sure, tits true, and certain she is
very pat and pert in
Arranging the component parts OF lus-
cious pumpkin pies.
She cannot solve or twist 'em, viz: the
planetary system,
She cannot tell a Venus frema Saturn iR
the skies;
But you ought to see her grapple with the
fruit that's known as apple,
And arrive at quick conclusion when she
tackles toothsome pies.
She couldn't write sonnet and she couldn't
trim q bonnet,
She isn't very bookish in her letter OF re-
plies;
But she's much at home-oh, veryl When
she takes the juicy berry
And manipulates quite skillfully sympo-
Sums of pies. Truth
The morning times., 1895-09-29
He Was Absorbed.

He was rather busy, and when his friend
came in to invite him TO dine at sweflup-
town place, he merely nodded his head with
a fleeting smile of easy acceptance, gayc-a
preoccupied puff at his cigar, and then con-
tinued looking over some OF his affairs of
finance Byand by ungryhourarrived
and with quick dive for his vest and hat
this thoughtful soul dashed into the ele-
vator, out onto the pavement and up the
street TO keep his appointment with his
friend
Several of his lady acquaintances passed
him by but the mods they gave him were sin
guiariy like specimens of freeze-outs. He
pondered over such frigidity on such
warm day, when he knew that the feminine
thirst always Graves ice cream and soda
and gallants to pay for it, but growing
The morning times., 1895-09-29

1t is below stairs in one of the uptown
clubs that the "colored" boys indulge In
quite a heavy game OF poker in the early
morning, after the club members have de-
parted, The members of the club are now
laughing over a hand held by weazen-
faced little negro. There were six pla ying,
and the little negro was having bad run
of luck. He had been well favored during
the day with tips" but he saw his money
..peddling" away fast. Then came jack
pot. 1t was opened for quarter. Every
body stayed, and the one with the weazened
phiz raised 1t 20 cents, and two players
dropped out. The opener took two cards,
the other two drew for straights or riushes,
and the little fellow stood pat A quarter
bet of the opener was seen and raised by
the other two, who were evidently bluffing,
but the little fellow whooped everything
one quarter harder. The opener saw and
went a quarter better. This drove the
other two out, and he with the weazened
face sent the pot up 20 cents higher than
the last bet.
There was look of dismay on the open
er's face, but he ..wbooped' his opponent
a quarter harder. There was no sign OF
dropping In the little fellows face. Instead
a quiet smile began to illumine his features
as he went n quarter better. This smile
disconnected the other player, and, after
nearly five minutes of meditation, he called.
Don't know what'D - yeb's got, but
Use bound to call yeh," and be threw his
hand face up, disclosing four aces. he
then reached for the pot, remarking:
81 only called yeh, kase didn't want
to bre'k yeh heart"
Hole on dar, hole on, niggah," said the
little chap, placing his hand over the pot;
don't be so speediferous. Use done got
yer beat, dead cole beat; yah, yah, yahl'
And he laughed, showing his worries.
"whut yeh got, straight flush?" queried
theother in amazement.
"Nope, but done beat yeh jess es hard"
"well, whut is 1t, them"
Use done got a Nero, Nero; yah, yah,
yah!" and he laughed uproariously as he
raked in the pot before the eyes OF his
astonished opponent.
"Whut-wbat'n 'nells a Nero?" gasped the
other.
"Yeh amt allowed to tell," was the an
swer, as the little chap pocketed the money
and left the room, after throwing his hand
in the pack.
Now, the question at that club revolves
around the query: what is Nero, and
what did the negro hold:''-New York
Recorder.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
THE BUNGTOwN BAZOO.
County News.

We noticed in our last that fall grain was
moving off briskly. What we meant was
that it was moving off In sacks and atnight
toward the Bulkley Ford neighborhood.
We are onto you.
Maj. slocome was In town this week to
sell load of dry swamp hay. After trying
all day to sell it, and failing to do so,he
came to the Bazoo office and wanted to sell
it to US and turn it on five years back sub
scription. We took it and sold it next day
to a carriage factory to stuff cushions and
Iazybacks. We take anything from a town
lot to a secondhand liver pad. Now is the
time to subscribe. -.l-..t.l .r....
welker Fossburg, Squash Valley. Your
pig is weak. Evidently lacks iron in his
blood II you could get some pig iron it
would be preferable. ,-
AmandaMuggs, Turnover Hill. The sum-
mer drink you speak of is made as follows:
The morning times., 1895-09-29

Take a gallon of water in which pumpkin
has been boiled and sweeten it with Porto
Rico molasses. Add two cloves and filter
through a gunnysack. Set in a cool place
and forget where ii is.
We forgot to mention with the Personals
that Mr.. Charles Scaddings, of Vinchburg,
will spend three months in the city this
fall Ninety days the Judge called it.
Jagson Jones. You pertinently ask, IF
we are to get no more seeds from Washing
ton, why do we maintain the Agricultural
Bureau?" We cannot say unless Secretary
Morton keeps his Sunday clothes in it.
G. Wilkins. The crop of beats Will be at
its height when our county fair starts.
Charley Hoss. Your letter is harder to
make out than the contents of Prank
furter sausage" Write palmer
Silas B. You say nothing is harder to raise
than turkeys. Have you tried raising money
recently?
Silas Greengoods, esq. We suggest as
good name for your prize steer, 'Bunco."
The morning times., 1895-09-29

The street car was crowded, and as it
turned corner sharply man who was
standing in the aisle made a grab at a
strap but missed il. and involuntarily en-
braced sharp-faced young woman standing
near him.
"Oh, beg your pardon" he said.
"sir," she exclaimed, you are boor."
mo, madam" rejoined the penitent Of
fender, IT am not. 1 am a newspaper
man."
"You are, hey?" was the contemptuous
rejoinder. what do you do about a news
paper office, I'd like to know"
y am the pressman."
TIE sharp-faced young woman turned
redder, but she didn't say anything more.
Chicago Tribune.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
The Wrong House.

Madam" he began, as he called at
house on High street the other forenoon,
-"your husband went away in such hurry
this morning that he forgot something"
"Ohl He did, eh?" queried the woman,
with good deal OF emphasis.
...Yes'm, he did. When went around to
see why he hadn't left his suits tobe cleaned
he said he'd forgot en-
Il see. And you offered to come up and
get them?"
:. 'sYes'm. He wants 'em cleaned this
week"
Ibid he say whatsuit?" asked tn e woman.
'.No'm, he didn't; but l expect it's fall
and winter suit, and also a fall overcoat
II you would be SO kind"
where did you see my husband?"
'At his office, ma am"
How long ago." p
About half an hour. You don't doubtm
ma 'am?''
"Oh. mol It's rather odd, however. Ny
husband went to Europe six months ago, and
hasn't returned yet, ,-and how he coul6>oe in
his office down town and send you up for
his fall suit is more than l can understand.
Won't you please wait till"
"No, ma 'am-thank' 'ee ma 'am-can't
wait!" replied the man, and the way he
got out of the yard and around the corner
signified good deal of mental excitemenf
on his part.-Detroit Free Press.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
A Terrible Possibility.

The question of the expediency OF dis
banding the militia company was being
agitated on town-mecting day in a certain
hamlet not a thousand miles from Boston.
The tavern keeper, Almost pompous indi-
vidual, who had courteously preserved
silence during the several noisy harangues,
threw a final terrible bomb into the
camp of the iconoclasts by the solemn
fnterrogatory, delivered In his most i'm
Spressive manner:
"Gentlemen, let me ask you this: What
could we do without militia in case Of a
rrection?"-Harper's Magazine.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
His Hend.

At one time the Presbyterians of Ulster
were discussing the ignorance and stupidity
of one of their number. And what
notion he has in his head now," exclaimed
one of the' elders in dismay.
His headr' echoed one of the ministers,
''be has no beadl What you call head
is only a top-knot that his Maker put
there to keep him from raveling OUT
A Argnnaut-
The morning times., 1895-09-29

tired of the problem he was about to give it
up, when he encountered his own charming
sister.
At first she gave q Slight start of annoy
ance, and then she swooped down upon him
with overwhelming force.
"will You kindly tell NE what has hap
pened?" she asked. severely.
why, nothing-nothing," he murmured
in an anxious sort of way. Nothing, ex-
cept that I'm going to dine with"
The brother was gasping with vague
wonder.
Dear" continued his own sister, gently,
''are you out as a walking advertisement
for some haberdasher firm, or are you try
ing to show off your clean shirt sleeves?
Well, if you are not, please go back to
your office and put on your coat"
The mystery of the frigid mods was
solved.-St. Louis Republic.
The morning times., 1895-09-29

fuI and honest by nature. Are you always
quite careful about the exact truth Of the
words you use in her presence? Do you never
tell your servant TO SAY 1 am out" when
men call on you whom you don't want to
see? Or has your girl not been playing with
her tin soldiers in the parlor on one of your
reception days when you greeted Mr.. Smith
with a kiss and "Oh, am so glad to see
you, nv dearl'' and only little while be-
fore you had said, in your daughters hear
ing, 81 can't endure that horrid Mr.. Smith:
he is always copying my new things?"
Young children are born mimics, and they
see more than we realize.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
Dread Possibilities.

Some awful questions in law are raised by
landlord down in Maine who has taken
possession of the false teeth of boarder
who did not pay his board bill. Is 1t
lawful also for a mans cork leg or
woman's wig TO be attached? Can a too
tired lodging house keeper detain an old
beau's glass eye? May a person with a
rubber nose wake up some ms=ninS tn find
that board bills are not to be sneezed att
Boston Transcript.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
In the Glad Future.

sMaria," said the husband of the new
woman at the breakfast table, 1.-THE next
time you come home late from the lodge and
put your bloomers to bed and hang your
self over the back of a chair all night, III
go straight home to papa, therei''-Brook-
iyp Eagle.
The morning times., 1895-09-29

Now, sailor, spread your fleecy sails,
And steer for the open sea;
There's never a boat this day afloat
As fair as the "Bumble Beel"
And Marjory, fair Marjory,
Stands laughing at my side,
Her blue eyes bright for pure delight s
As over the waves we eglidel
To-day we bid goodbye tn care,
And leave the world behind;
On such a yacht it matters not
If never a port we find! ..
For Marjory, fair Marjory,
Has pledged her heart to me,
And where we go, why care to know
This glorious day at seal
So, sailor, hoist the spinnaker.
And every stich OF sail;
With n song Wen fly along,
And kiss above the rail;
For Marjory, fair Mar1ory,
This day was wed to me,
And so no drone of a chaperone
Is aboard the "Bumble Bee"
Arthur Grissom.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
Not Needed Then.

Mrs. Dovey-Can you let me have 50.
dear? I want to spend a quiet afternoon
out with Ethel"
Mr.. Dovey-Can't do 1T, darling. Money
is awfully tight.
Mrs. Dovey (disappointedly)-The sup
pose I'll have to put in the whole day shop
ping.-New York World.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
He Had One.

When they met at the street corner the
vonng man in the sack suit shook his head
sadly.
Poor Brown" he said.
"Ab. YES, it is too bad" replied the man
with the negligc shirt. when did he
die?"
yesterday"
.sWell. he always was an unfortunate
man."
"You knew his wife then?" inquired the
other"
Yes"
"well, did you hear the remarkable
feature OF his death?"
mo; l hadn't heard there was any
"oh, it was most extraordinary"
"What was it?"
"Why, you know during his lifetime
everyone said he had no VIII OF his
own"
Yes"
well, 1t was all wrong"
"You don't say so?'
"Oh. YES. He must have had one, for
he left it when he died, and it has Just
been probated. Chicago Times-Herald.
If You Don't Break Down.
Oh toilers in lifes vineyard
In the country, in the town;
Keep courage! You viii get there
II you
The future sun is giving
All the hills n silver crown,
Stand steady! You will get there
II you
There's a merry song of reapers
Which no stormy winds can drown;
Have faith! You'll find the harvest
II you
Let the billows beat the vessel
Let the skies in anger frown;
You'll anchor safe in harbor
II you
Break
Down.
F. L s., in Atlanta Constitution.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
The Bright Side.

Mrs. Cloon-It is indeed true that God
tempers the wind to the shorn lamb"
Old Cloon-Yepl When a mans wife
elopes he can get new one easier than he
can hunt up the old one.-New York
World.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
In the Alps.

On reaching a certain spot the driver
turned around in his seat and observed to
the passengers:
"From this pointtberoadls is onlyaccessible
to mules and dOnkeys; must therefore ask
the gentlemen to get out and proceed on
foot."-Feuille davis de Vevey.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
An o nnatural supposition.

Magistrate (toprisonertYous say you tooa
the ham because you are out of work ard
your family is starving; and yet uDdsr-
stand that you have four dogs about the
house?"
Prisoner-Yes, your honor: but wudden't
ask my family to eat dogs, your honor
Exchange.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
Adieu.

Oh. what will the joke " ritter do
When old gets the Woman that's New
When Trilby is stale
And bloomer jokes fail;
Say, what will the joke-writer do?
Oh, what will the joke-writer do
When mother -in-law gs.s her due?
When Brooklyn gets fast
And Chicago has passed;
Then what will the joke writer do?
Oh, what will the jokewriter do
When summer girls are tiresome, too?
When the milkmans drowned
And the north pole found,
Say, what will the joke-writer do?
The morning times., 1895-09-29

Aunt Alice Ito her ragged nephew)-Why,
Robert, / never saw you look so cilapt
dated before. Is your mother sick?
Robert-No. Ma joined a ladies' aid So
ciety last month, and she has been sewing
for the heather ever since.-New York
Herald.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
ALWAYS Escaned

Ever have any trouble with your wheel?"
mot yet" said the Sweet Young Thing.
$50 far whenever 1 have run over any one
/ have been able to get away before be got
p."-Indianapolis Journal.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
A joker

One exceedingly warm day a neighbor met
an old man and remarked that IL was
very hot
"Yes," said Joe. '.if it wasn't for one
thing should say we were going to have a
thaw."
"what is that?' inquired the friend.
There's nothing froze," said Joe.-Tid-
Bits.
The morning times., 1895-09-29
His Dream Book.

Let me congratulate you on nthesuccess OF
your dream book" said Mr.. Dukane to ris
ing young author.
my dream book" repeated the author
in surprise.
''weli, fell asleep while reading it and
dreamed lots ofthings before Iwakedup."-
Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. =
The morning times., 1895-09-29
The Doubt. .

scribbler-There's a good joke. I'll send
that to Fudge. Don't you think it ought to
go?"
Scrawler-No doubt about it going. The
only question is about its coming back
Philadelphia Record.
The morning times., 1895-09-29

A Suggested Improvement.
The silver lining of the cloud
Would be more use to me
II they'd but turn the cloud around
TIL its sheen might see.
Detroit News.
The morning times., 1895-09-29

''since your marriage to Miss scadds have
you been living at the old manse?"
Nope, at the old lady's; the old man is
ead."-New York World.