Birmingham age-herald., 1895-06-16

never III the history or BAnBtoWn hdS there been such a gathering or the fam ous men and women around a festal board as there was at the residence of MT. and Mrs. Fastclip on last Wednesday, might We ate good things until the bug tons began to pop of and fly about the room. Then We drank until we did not care what became of the affairs or the universe. Then we smoked until path had to be cut across the room with an axe every time anyone wanted to change their position Daylight came all too soon, and we were hauled off on dray with a pile of other social leaders who attended. All honor to the fastchps.
 Answers to Correspondence Farmer will you please let me know through your paper what is the best way to keep d COW rom gong dry anu staying out at nights?" What are you trying to give us, you old pie plant? Who in thunder can stay out nights and go dry?
 Banker-"How will the income tax af- feet the people of this section if it is en- forced upon them?" It was through the stupendous efforts of the Cyclone that this infamous measure has been invali- dated, therefore we take pleasure in ad- Vising you that we need have no fur ther fears on that score. By the way, your subscription expires with this issue. We need the money, and as you are a banker you are expected to send cash
 
 tend to you.
 Miss Dolly-"win canary bird thrive on ordinary bird seed when properly cooked?" Mo- Dolly, it won't. Cooked canary birds are not fashionable, any way.
 Will R.-"Is it proper to use red ink in writing to lady?' Is she a colored lady?
 B. S.--'I am a telegraph operator, and dearly in love with a young lady operator ...l... T whose sweet face l have never seen. Would it be wise to marry her under the circumstances ?" Some one has said there is wisdom in all things, but he probably never saw a woman eating ice cream and oysters at the same time. We have never yet married a woman whom we have never seen, and we don't think we would do it. Under the cir cumstances, however, if you really wish to become the young lady's bride, we would advise that you meet in Chicago.
 Every Other Bite-"How can young man get on the stage?" If you can't get up by yourself, ask the guard to assist you. If he is busy, the driver will prob ably help you What makes you ask questions like that for?
 Aesthetic-"How can I improve my complexion?" Wash it.
 M. T. D.-"How long should mourning be worn? This is a much mooted ques- ton. Some wear two yards; others deem one yard quite sufficient for every day mourning. How old are you, any how?
 Queen Lil-"If a wealthy man pro- posed to me, and loved him very dearly, but his parents objected what ought l to do?" Marry the young man, and then try by all peaceable means to show the old folks that you have not taken from them son, but have given them du- tiful and loving daughter and twin grandchildren, if possible.
 c. l.. Ills the Cyclone an advocate of women's rights, as promulgated at the recent full-bloomer convention%' Not on your bloomin' skylight we ain't. We may marry some day, and do you think we want a woman to be the father of our children? Not much.
 Charley-"Who invented the old gag about throwing a brick house at a man, a brick at a timer" We don't know. It has been claimed by some of our best known historians that inasmuch as Cain killed Able for getting off this joke, it's origin must have been previous to the grand opening of the Garden of Eden. Others contend that the joke was brand new during the flood, and that Noah laughed at it quite often. Still others are of the opinion that it was dug up from the ruins of Pompeii, but the lat ter fail to state, though 1t is a known fact, that the man who dug it up was immediately fell upon by the multitude and stoned to death, curiously enough, with a brick house, one brick al time. Get your history of ancient Greece and a glass of beer and read up some. Our time is valuable.
 Young Voter-"What does free coin age mean?" Hard times young fellow, d-d hard times.
 We are grieved to announce that the printer spoiled a good joke of ours week before last. We just now found it out. The next time he does it we are going to tell one of our jokes to him, and insist on his laughing at it.
 "All the wedding invitations are read ing high noon.' 1 have been studying over it, but have not been able to To- state of noon. Will somebody be pleased to explain?'-Miss Polly in Age-Herald.
 This is a noon on us too.
 Next Wednesday is election day. We leave our case in the hands of the voters of Bungtown. No ballot box stuHihg will go in this election. If you want broad-minded, public-sprited man of marked ability for mayor, cast your vote for Whiskers. If, on the other hand, you want man at the helm of municipal affairs who has not enough gray matter to fill canary egg, vote for the rum soaked specimen of irresponsible igno- rance who opposes us. So far as we are concerned, this has been strictly cam paign of enlightenment and entire fair ness. We have refraned from vitupera- tion and personality, and have endeav ored to win strictly on our own merits, without exposing to public ridicule the glaring demerits of our opponent The public is well informed as to the policy we intend to pursue should we be elect ed, but right at this time, when our only | means of electioneering has been for two weeks in the hands of a lot of luna tics called women, we feel justified in reterating the principles upon which we make this race for the office of mayor of Bungtown. In the first place, we most emphatically will support and uphold in every way possible the saloons that make Bungtown what she is today-a | live, hustlng, progressive town of 4000 | inhabitants. That Mayor Lushton will | also do what he can to uphold the sa- | looms by the stupendous means of try | ing to drink up everything In them. we | cannot deny. But our policy will be to not only do fair share of the personal | patronage act, but we will support them | morally. Our influence will be di- |