The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1895-11-20
UNDER FIRE.
"What class. sir2"

u NDLh Il lhEs
"What class. sir9"
"Third-not smoking carriage"
The porter deposited my gun and
cartridge cases ON the rack and my
dressing bag ON the seat In the corner
and accepted his sixpence with the nom
chalance of man who, ON Saturday
afternoon in holiday time, can make
plenty more of them.
From Charing Gross to Cannon street
4 had my compartment to myself. Hav-
ing reached that point, it was invaded
by horde of the type generally referred
to as ones "fellow creatures. The
aristocrat of the party was a clerk on
his way to Ramsgate for week. He
proceeded to fill and light brier wood
pipe As he was sitting at the other end
of the carriage and was smoking fra
grant tobacco from far Virginia, neither
felt nor made any objection to his doing
SO. 1t was different matter when
gentleman of an obliging familiarity Of
manner joined us at London bridge, car
rying clay pipe charged with the
blacklist and most pungent of shag.
Now the close proximity of smoker
OF shag is very abominabie thing, and
it was for the sake of avoiding it on
journey of some three hours duration
that had resolved to forego the COM
partnership of my own pipe for that
length of time and had sought the Sc
clusion of a nonsmoking carriage, where
a possible baby would be my sole an
noyance. Consequently, when my
neighbor, after decent interval, ram
med horny forefnger into the bowl of
his pipe, and, producing dirty wax
match from his waistcoat pocket, pro-
ceeded to light up, l addressed polite
and carefully worded remonstrance to
him.
Elm afraid this isn't o smoking car
riage," said. He looked at me.
ooh, isn't it?" he said.
"No."
"Do yer object then?"
81 don t object AZ. = ela-Aha.nthe sid
of the carriage, said, "but do OBJ
ject as you are sitting next to me. "
"And who wants to sit next to yer,
ugly?" he inquired, with rising asper-
ity. eyer amt female, are yer, to
object to little bit o. baccyf It's a
pity yer didn't get into a fust class car
riage. /"
Its a pity you didn't get into
smoking carriage IL you wanted to
smoke, retorted. cat any rate you're
not going to smoke here. "
Eli assure yer, my lord, y he said,
with laborious suaYity, " hi don't want
ter sit next t'yer. Hi shed be sorry to
contaminate my morals by such @ con-
ventuality," and he moved over to the
opposite seat in the middle of the car
riage.
OH tell yer wot I'll do" he pur-
sued. "I'll put out my pipe, 80 there
now He did SO and restored it to his
pocket with the air of a man who has
scored heavily. Then he leaned toward
me with his elbows ON his knees and
took me in with a whitening glance
from head to foot.
Gland may harsk wot yore persi-
ton in life may be?" he inquired.
u
wot are yer? Do yer teach in the Sum
day SCHOOL, P'r'aps yer'd like glarss
o. milk. " Note the decreasing respecta-
bility Of the employments suggested as
his scorn ripened. "Wot dyer want to
prevent respectable man enjoying Of
is pipe for: tell yer wot yer oughter
done. Yer oughter taken Especial train,
yer ought. That's ter say" he added,
with great deliberation and intense dis
dain, "if yer could afford it, yer know.
I don t serpoose they pays very Ugh in
the establishment wot commands yore
services. I" He was quite right. They do
not.
At this point, perceiying that I was
in for a protracted harangue, I took up
my Pail Mall Gazette and feigned an
absorbing interest in its contents. I did
it rather we'll. ran my eye along the
lines, ! turned over page, and even al
lowed smile to curl my lips at an en-
tirely imaginary joke.
'That's right" commented my as
sailant ~ am glad they taught yer to
read at the board school. Yer go ON and
yer'll be able to read The st. James
Gazette soon. - The point of this latter
sarcasm is not yet plain to me, but the
fact of my so ostentatiously ignoring his
conversation proved quite as irritating
as l had hoped. He gathered himself to-
gether for fresh attack, and addressed
me for about the space Of quarter Of
an hour in q manner not at all abusive,
but quite unfettered by any reticence Of
criticism. He took in all my weak
points and animadverted ON them care
fully but freely.
He began with my personal appear
ance. My best friends have never called
me good looking, although they have
never told me that I was positively re-
pulsive. he did. He went further. He
said it made him sick to look at me, IL
Illustrating his point with an embarrass-
ing realism. He said that they had late
ly missed chimpanzee from the ZOO
logical gardens and expressed his inten-
tion Of giving information at the next
station that he had iound 1t .Mu lin
the reward. My ears are rather promi-
hent. He called them andes to my
1ead. My nose is not quito Grecian in
bntline. He thought it must have been
put on hot and run over my face. My
mouth is rather large. He asked IL it
buttoned behind.
Having disposed Of my face and fig
ure, he passed on to my clothes OF my
serge suit he had not much to say. In
deed it appeared to satisfy him more
than it did me, for / had addressed a
few deprecatory remarks to my tailor
ON the subject few days before. My
gloves he suggested should wear on