Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1895-01-03
HUMOR OF TIE DAY.

A blanket mortgage furnishes but q
poor house warming. Puck.
Alice-"Beauty is but skin deep"
Maud (spitefully)-"Who told you?"
Puck.
The man that rifles your pockets
should he shot-gunned. .-Dansville IN.
W Breeze.
A man may be beside himself, and
vet have no idea how ridiculous he
ooks.-Puck.
The man next door always has ono
advantage over me. That's in his
nelghbors. Puck.
"The Missing Link"-The one the
dog stole in the bologna sausage fac.
tory. IN ~ Breeze.
The virtues made of necessity al
ways appear as if the material couldn't
have been very abundant. nt.-Puck.
We all believe in letting well
enough alone; but we nuke mistakes
as to the right time to do it.-Puck.
"Is Miss Elders hair artifcial?"
ooh, no it is human hair" 81 mean
it is her own?" "Certainly she bought
."-Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph.
And now the busy office man
VIII find one duty more;
Wheneer It's cold he'll have to yell
"Come back and close the door"
Chicago Inter-ocean.
Mrs. Placid-"Where were you last
night?" Mr.. PAT stag party,
nv dear" "I thought so when heard
you staggering upstairs. ."-Philadel'
phia Record.
Friend - "Are you superstitious?
Do you believe in signs" Successful
Merchant - "No; newspaper adver-
tisements are better, and cheaper. -
Printers Ink.
A man may think he adores wo-
man. But his love is put to terri
BILE strain when she asks him to but
ton her shoes with q hairpin. New
York Herald.
Tailor-"I hear that you have paid
my rival, while you owe me for two
suits" Student-"Who dares to ac-
cuse me of such apreposterous thing?"
--Fliegende Blaetter.
"Does ycur wife wear high hat
when she goes to the play?" 81
should say she does" replied the man
who always looks weary. cit cost me
S27."-Washington Star.
Figg-"Yes, allow that her sing
ing is something terrible; but guess
we shall live through it." Fogg-
s'That is the most terrible thing about
it."-Boston Transcript.
Trivvet-"You knew Charlie Dunn
nit, didn't you?" Dicer-"He went
West and was lynched." Trivvet-
sis that really so? Well, Dummit al
ways was high strung. Harlem
Life.
One little girl in the slums-"Wot
yer say she died off" The other one
-"Eating tuppeny ice on the top OF
'of pudden. The first mentioned
"Lor what jolly death. It'd
Bits.
Tough-"Have you got pull enough
in Washington to git patent fer
me?" Patent Lawyer-"What is your
invention?" Tough-"It's q pneu-
matte tire fer perlice clubs. Good
News.
McSwatters- Clanghorn o fin
ished author?" McSwatters-"Yes
you see, he called on Woolly, of the
Howler, and called him liar /; and
we'll, you know Woolly. ."-Syracuse
Post.
Old Friend-"Seems to mo you are
paying your cook pretty stiff wages.
Jimson -"Have to; if l don't she'll
leave, and then my wife will have to
do the cooking herself. New York
Weekly.
Clerk-"Here's some of the fresh
cracked wheat. Would you like
package of it?" Mrs. Newcash-
"Young man, when I want damaged
goods I'll let you know. Chicago
Inter-Ocean.
Mrs. Workaday-"Oh, I do go like
to see good, strong, determined
man." Mr.. Workaday (straightening)
$50 do I, my dear" Mrs W
"John, the coal hod is empty. ."-Bos-
ton Courier.
"You are charged with having votod
five times in one day." said the
Judge, sternly. 81 nm charged, am
I?" repeated the prisoner. "That's
mighty odd. I expected to be paid
for it."-New York Sun.
Miss De Fashion IA few years hence)
--.sYou are wanted at the telephone. I"
Mrs. De Fashion--"Oh, dear pre-
sumo it's Mrs. DE Style, to return my
telephone call. I hope she won't talk
long. New York Weekly.
He (pleadingly)-"Why can't we be
married right away?" She (coyly)-
''Oh, I can't bear to leave father
alone just yet" He (earnestly)-
"But, my darling, he has had you
such a long, long time" she (freez-