The Wilmington daily Republican., 1895-12-27
THE INVENTOR.

n Tupmore Is not O bad sort OF fellow, brt
his bump Of invention and this domestic
eccentricities to which II gives rise makea
stay at his house rather trial TO person
Of weak nerves. A fortnight ago spent
few days at his place In Kent, and am
only Just getting over that painful expert
once. Tupmore was very glad to see me
when l arrived, conversed on current top
ics, and, up 10 lunchtime, had shown me
only one of his inventions, patent foot
LATCH" as he called it-none of his ideas
were patented, by the way--flxed TO his
orchard gate. This latch was o device
for opening the gate by stepping on sort
Of treadle, leaving both hands free for car
rying washing baskets, etc., and the great
beauty Of 1t was that there was no ordinary
handle by which horses or cattle could nc
cidentally undo the fastening. While we
were examining it lunch was announced,
md we went In to feed. Presently Tup-
more asked me TO ring the bell. rose
from my seat ct once.
Don't get up" said my host, smiling.
1--WE have our bell fixed TO the table for
convenience, and you're next to it, as the
missus is away. It's right In front Of
yotls ieNei with your knteb
CROPPED under the tablecloth and found
nothing. Thon l put my head under,
making myself frightfully apoplectic, and
at last discovered the machine on tho op-
posite side Of the table. ] told Tupmore.
He was very vexed and said the silly serv-
ant must have turned the table round
when she swept the room. He seemed so
distressed about it that hastily changed
over TO the other side Of the table and tried
to ring the bell. 1t wouldn't move.
"You must pull 1t toward you," ex-
planned Tupmore.
/ did SO, whereupon tho table rocked
violently, and my glass Of claret emptied
itself upon my waistcoat.
"I've pulled 1t nearly yard" said,
"but it doesn't seem to make any differ
ence.''
"Ah, that's it You must pull and
then let 60"
/ let 10. There was another miniature
earthquake, accompanied by an car pierre
ing combination of table gong and bicycle
bell, which made my hair stand on end.
"Now do you hear itp'' asked the inven-
tor triumphantly.
Did hear itl Good heavensl My outlet
had cooled down to zero during the excite
ment, whereas had made myself unpleas-
Hutly hot, and when the servant answered
the bell Tupmore had quite forgotten what
he wanted.
After lunch, as my friend had letters to
write, strolled out into tho orchard and
took 40 winks on rustic seat. When
opened my eyes, I beheld full sized cow
staring at me in q distinctly unpleasant
manner. / am dreadfully nervous about
cattle, having once been chased by an in
furiated bullock, SO promptly retroated.
The cow followed-she had a most bust
nesslike pair of horns-and snorted. / at
tempted to open the gate; but, to my In
tense dismay could find neither handle
nor treadle-Tupmorc had only shown me
the other side of his abominable patent
when the lunch bell rang. My prosecutor
came closer and tossed her head. This
demonstration may have been caused by
flies, but put 1t down to ill temper, and
forthwith bundled awkwardly over the
fence allghting on my back, and jerking
all tho loose money out of my trousers
pockets. Twas still cropping for stray coins
when Tupmore came out, and explained
that l had dropped something didn't
like to mention the COW. Then We walked
round the farm. My friend deluRed ms
with inventions, which 1 dutifuIly ad
mired. Some of them were really pucrile
some incomprehensible, and 1 couldn't
help thinking, when we inspected the pig
stiles, that he might well turn his atten
tion to producing q patent" porker thai
would consume its own evil odors.
About 4 o'clock an unearthly hootine
disturbed the rural calm.
"That's my SIREN" said Tupmore. 81
| had 1t fitted to the kitchen boiler to cal
me In whom I'm on the farm expect 1
means afternoon tea or visitor. "
Tho siren was not pleasing at a distance
At close quarters 1t was simply flendish
1t performed about ten times day during
my visit, generally when i was indoors
and has made me partially, and, In
| afraid, permanently, deaf in one car.
Tho house bristled with unpleasant sur
prises If 1 moved an innocent looking
chair, out came pair of slippers or a bool
J from some hidden receptacle in the seat
and If l pulled seeming bell handle /
gave way, and down fell flap disclosing
| ridiculous recess in the wall & no earth
| ly use to any one but a kleptomanlac or
magpie.
When / went to bed, had inventiv
Nightmares In the small hours n clocl
| on the landing struck hundred or tw'
and was only deferred from further effort
by Tupmore who aftorward came in t
apologize. He explained that the cloel
was repeater connected by wire witt
his bedroom, so that he could make /
strike tho hour If he woke In the dark
which, as he owned, he never did. "Thos
beastly mice must have been fooling abou
over the wires, - he said. "They do some
| times"
asked him If ne had ever thought 0
inyenting really efficient mousotrap. o
course he hadn't done anything SO sensible
EARLY in the morning | was yiolentl
| arousnd ~ tho commandments of The fol
lowing programme:
9 a. m.-Siren.
6:30.-Ditto; also patent pumping
operations, tho pipes being conyeye
through the wall at tho head of my bed.
| 7.-Siren
| 7:15.-Machinery in motion just beloy
my window-"patent" coffee grinding, O
some nonsense.
7:30.--Siren.
After that got up, fully expected +
have my shaving water pumped up to tn
dressing table or projected through trap
door in the floor and was both SURPRISE
and relieved when 1t was delivered in tn
usual way. 1t was the looking glass tina
put the finishing touch to my distaste 70
inventions. 1t was at the wrong angle 70
my puny stature and refused to budg
when tried to adjust 1t. So proceede
to shave, standing ON my portmanteau
At critical moment / must have presse
on some beastly "patent" catch, for TIL
glass turned complete somersault an
made me SO giddy that / gashed my chin
The cut was trifle, but in a weak momen
consented to try some "patont" ointmen
that my friend had invented. That vii
preparation caused my face to swell in
painful and utterly undignifed manner
and the worst of 1t is that am still mof
OF, less disagured. l look like low CT
median made up for farce, and | haven
quite decided whether shall sue Tupmor
for damages or not. Anyhow don
mean to trust myself TO his tender mercit
again until he has entirely forsworn all b