The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1895-03-09
ON TOP NOW.
How the Gilt Edge Girls Were Favored
by Circumstances

by circumstances
Appendicitis Is a very modern, very ex-
pensive and tremendously fashionable all
inent, and it's social possibilities are Him
liable.
An ordinary citizen suddenly feels a
pain in his side, and he is told by his
friends he has dropped a stitch or has
rheumatism or pleurisy, and he forthwith
goes to bed in a dreadfully bad temper and
sends for a doctor. The doctor comes in
a hurry, feels his pulse, squints at his
tongue, orders pills, mustard plasters and
a number of vile tasting and expensive
nostrums, tells him to keep his feet dry,
cuts off his cigars, whisky and other pleas
ures, collects $40 and hustles off to see a
colicky baby.
II the patient be a man of means, with
a fashionable wife and ambitious daugh-
tiers, the wise physician approaches his
prey carefully and silently sits down SOL
EMMY by the bedside, feels tho victims
pulse, looks at his gold watch, purses his
lips and says, ''Mm!' He rises with a
deep sigh, looks at the startled wretch's
tongue, shakes his head sadly and slowly,
stalks out of the b~edchamber with his
hands behind his back and his eyes on the
carpet, followed by the alarmed family.
The anxious wife looks at him appealing
ly and demands to know the worst.
Madam" says the doctor firmly, you
must get a trained nurse at once"
Certainly, DOCTOR" answers the fright
ened woman, but tell me, doctor-I am
his wife-he is their father-what is itp'
Madam" the doctor responds trag-
ically-aye, Boothly-"Mr. Giltedge has a
severe case of appendicitis"
what? You don't tell ME 1t isl
Appendicitis, madam. But we will
pull him through. 1 will call in DR.. Car
yer at once. Meantime secure Miss Ban
dagc, the nurse who lives at that address,"
handing her q card. "She has a great deal
of experience in such cases. She is simply
invaluable. l will call again this evening
with DR.. Carver. Good morning" And
off he goes OIL his career Of rapine.
The fashionable wife sits down in a
blissful state of grief, and calling her
daughters around her announces with
mingled pride and sorrow: Girls, DIR.
Pilling says your poor, dear pa has appen-
dicitis. 1t is a genuine case. There is to
be an operation, but we must bear our
trial bravely."
The girls try to look sad and serious,
but the unholy JOY of social triumph is
written in their faces. Appendicitis is the
trade mark (f the phrase is permissible)
of the genuinely aristocrat, an ailment
generated only in blue blood. Nobody or
the street ever had it. Old Cotton-of the
Mayf1ower COttons-claimed to nave had
it, but DR.. Pilling had limited that it was
merely ~sciatica. The young ladies order-
ed out the carriage at once to carry the
painful intelligence to all their fashion
able foes, and Mrs. Giltedge gave orders
that Shn UoS nt hnOnn tn no ono in ,,,ot-
ing her servants to allow nobody to know
that Mr.. Giltedge was dangerously i'll with
appendicitis. Giltedge himself lies abed
up stairs as amiable as a Wall street bear
in a rising market using language.
In the evening a servant mar and car
rage GO for Miss Bandage, and Quillby,
who does the social SWIM business for
The Gazette, receives an anonymous note
announcing that Giltedge has appendicitis.
When DR.. Carver arrives with DR.. Pill
ing all the street is agog, and the fashion
able surgeon confirms the diagnosis of his
confederate and tells Giltedge blandly
that at 10 O'Clock next morning he will
operate on him. After instructions to
Miss Bandage, who is impressive in cap
and apron, the worthy leeches depart.
Giltedge, being merely a man who hates
society" does not enjoy the distinction
he is comforting on his family. He stig-
matizes Carver as a butcher and Pilling
as "A quack and behaves in a s%hockingly
common II vulgar way about the whole
thing.
In the morning Giltedge is duly ether
lied, chloroformed or laughing gased.
Carver, dressed in white like a sacrificial
priest, fondles his ribs lovingly, knife in
hand. Pilling looks on, wisely laden with
sponges. An assistant holds a miniature
birdcage over the victims nose and mouth
to dam profanity, while Miss Bandage
floats around like a white vision, doing
general utility business. The drama be-
gins. Carver, with a knife, opens up Gilt
edge, using a lot of long words for the
small things he cuts off, and finally hoists
a wretched little bag out of Giltedge's
anatomy, which he calls the vermiform
appendix. Some vermiforms and so forth
have nothing in them. Others nave peas,
c~hestnuts, baseballs, luck shot, coffee kerr
nels, cherry stones and other trifes in
them. One man developed a pearl in his
-he had a passion for clams-and Mrs.
Giltedge hopes that her husband will cut
up a diamond or at least a moonstone.
The surgeon opens the bag with the air of
a man opening a jack pot. Giltedge has
come out Of his opium joint and is being
plastered up.
whats in the blamed thing, Carver"
he asks in a feeble voice. "A poker chip
or a brass button?''
1T looks like the top of a collar button
or a grape seed, " the surgeon says blandly.
Call it a collar button, Carver" Gilt
edge exclaims eagerly. THE old lady is
kicking cverlastingly about my eating
grapes whole, n if it's a grape seed I'll
never hear the end Of it. Make it a collar
button and put it in your bill"
And it was duly pronounced to be a
small pearl, eaten with oysters, and great
was the glory thereof.
The Giltedge girls hold their heads in the
air as they pass the Billions, for appen-
dicitis has fixed forever the status of the
family, and yet it only costs a mere 81, 0OO
and a little abattoir practice on a Wall
street bear.-Life.
Why He Ceased Swimming.
The notoriety attained by the man who
fell in the rapids just above Niagara falls,
and who, just as he was about to be res.
cued, shouted, Il will drown; no one
shall help me" instead of Il shall drown;