Freeland tribune. (Freeland, Pa.) 1888-1921, 1895-08-05

Teddie-"What are woman's rights,
pa" Pa-"Everything they want, my
boy; always remember that" boston
Courier.
You seem to be cultivating old
Kajones What do you see about him
to admire?" Ills daughter Laura
Chicago Tribune
Nell-"I wouldn't be in your shoes
for anything" Belle (sweetly)-"You
couldn't get into them, my dear
Somerville Journal.
Mrs. Hazeum-"How in the world did
your husband get so terribly choked?"
Mrs. Snapper-"Eatin' boneless cod
iish."-Boston Courier.
Student ranslating)-"And- - er -
r-cr-cr-went-er - and -er."
Professor-'Don't laugh, gentlemen, to
err is human."-Life.
Wife-"That's perfect dream of n
bonnet" Husband-"Yes;b but I'll bet
it cost regular nightmare of price"
Philadelphia Record.
ut was Henry Clay, was it not, who
said: Il would rather be right than
President? eyes, but he wasn't"
"Howr "He was left."-Brool,lyn
Life.
Miss Amateur-"Are you musical,
Prof. Bisten?" Prof. Bisten-"Yes; but
If you were going to play anything,
don't mind my feelings" Sing Sing
Courier.
You told me-" said the weary collec.
tor, "to bring this bill the first" "Yes,"
replied the editor, "but l meant the first
time l had any money."-Atlanta Con.
stitution.
Trolley car conductor-"Settle, now,
or get off," Dignified citizen-"What
do you take me for, sirW Conductor
"Ff cents, same as anybody else"-In.
dianapolis Journal.
at seems to me-" observed Criticus,
that Scrbbler's book reads as though
he were addicted to the bottle" "Yes,"
assented Wagg. "To the mucilage bot.
tle."-Harper's Bazaar.
Whyte-'I thought you said your wife
wrapped up this bundle" Browne-"1
did" Whyte-"You must be mistaken
There isn't Il pin in the wrapping-papei
anywhere. ."-Somerville journal.
The grass was parched until all men
Who gazed on it were panied;
lie bought Il garden hose, and then
1t rained and rained and rained.
Washington Star.
'AIr. Triolet," said Mr.. Snaggs, with
q facetious air, chow is the poetic Ii.
cense paid?" "With postage stamps,
generally" replied the maker of verses,
with sigh.-Pittsburg Chronicle-Tele
graph.
whats the matter, Majory" "The
matter, Miss Tomson" "Well, why
are you SO sober?' "G-g- gracious, Miss
Tomson! you wouldn't like me to be
always intoxicated, would you?"-TlIe
Sketch.
Agnes-I think Mr.. Slowe is hcrrid!
He asked me for kiss the other even.
ing, and of course l said no. Gladys
What did he do then? Agnes That's
Just it, lie didn't do anything.-Yale
Record.
Mrs. Fogg-Only think of it! They
DO say that Mr.. Figg was seen playing
whist last Sunday. Isn't it awful
Mr.. Fogg-But then you must remem.
Der that Figg plays SO poorly.
Transcript
81 hear that you are engaged to a
girl with an ideal. You are likely to
find that sort of girl pretty hard to get
along with" "Oh, l guess l am all
right. You see, l am the ideal."-Cin
cinnati Tribune.
Col. Brown-By Jove! Miss Lilyblow,
how the costumes and makeup alter
people. l hardly knew you. Miss Lily.
blow-Do l look Il fright then? Col.
Brown-On the contrary, you look
charminG.-JudGe.
Caller-I'm going to send my little girl
to cooking school at once "Does she
care for such thingsY Callcr-Dear me.
no; but am sure she will make good
cook, she breaks so many lovely dishes
Chicago Inter Ocean.
Owner-I want you to Sell these
horses for me. Auctioneer-I sec their
tails are docked. We'll have to sell
them at wholesale. Owner-What!
Auctionecr-Well, can't retail them
Philadelphia Record.
Presiding Magistratc-IIowc came YOU
TO enter the premises? Prisoner
Please, your worship, . Il. m, no police
about, an open window on the ground
floor-you would have climbed in your.
self!-Iflegcnde Blaettcr.
'NIy expenditures never exceed my
receipts" said Hawkins. "NIine do"
sighed wilkins. ''In fact, l am very
much afraid | shall never have any
receipts for some of my last years ex.
penditurcs." ."-Harpers Bazaar
Proud Mother-You haven't kissed
the baby. Bachelor Uncle-Um-er--
I'll try to remember next time. I'll kiss
her when l cr-come back from Europe.
"When will that bey" "Let-me-sec.