The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1895-09-26
hanks; that will do.


The meanest thing I ever heard Of
was done by young man with good
education.
will tell you about it.
His name was Howard p. Duncan,
end I knew him very we'll. We were
educated together and graduated on the
same single, I was about to say. But
he had more ingenuity than I. He could
make the tutor believe that the moon
was made of green cheese, whereas
could not even make the same faculty
believe what it already knew. If said
that the earth was round like ball and
slightly depressed at the poles, for the
first time there would be feeling of
doubt in the minds Ct my instructors.
But Howard, after delivering the
valedictory, went forth into the world
for himself. He felt certain repug-
nance to industry which showed that
his blood had slight aristocratic tinge.
He tried two Or three easy professions,
but finally turned his back toward them
per month to teach, but turned bitterly
on his heel and said with some asperity
that she would rather pump thunder in
hell at cents clap" Those We're his
very words.
That remark was the index to the
mans whole character: He would say
things at all times that other people aft,
erward bitterly regretted.
Finally he developed a new disease,
and his autopsy was extremely promis-
ing. For this reason he was greatly
sought after by the medical colleges. He
was offered over 800 for his remains.
But he hung out. His boyhood home
had offered him $500 to go away and
remain, to which his father had offered
to add $500. He asked my advice, and
I told him to hang out for $1,000, for I
felt sure it would be given. This proved
to be true. I helped to make up the
amount.
Finally he got five Of the ablest med
ical colleges above 500 and sold his
carcass to each of them.
Then, stricken by remorse, he came to
the mercy seat, thinking that it would
be just the thing for sedentary man,
embraced Christianity and three or four
Of the most desirable workers in the
Ladies' auxiliary, became missionary,
went to the tropics, and week after
he landed the chief had him up at his
house for dinner.
I repeat this just to show how mean
man can be to a medical college that
never by word or deed has harmed him
in the least. Did you ever notice how
few valedictorians get to be president?
They all at once in life's early morn
seem to find themselves great, and the
next morning they awake to find they
have slept it off.
Boys, remember this and be comfort
ed when you are not chosen valedicto-
rian. Be brave, Industrious, honest and
temperate. Temperance is said to be one
Of the best things we have.
A bushel of corn makes gallon of
whisky, worth Oh the market $16 On
this the government gets $500 (or
more now. The farmer gets 40 cents.
(This is too much. The railroad gets
81. The manufacturer gets s.. The
vender gets So. And the consumer gets
the rest, which consists mostly of red
and blue cogwheels in his head and a
rich flow of animal and vegetable spir-
it's.
The gentleman correspondent at New
buryport will do we'll to treasure up the
above figures and cling more closely to
the dear cid pump or the old oaken
bucket, the Hoboken bucket that hung
in the we'll
Several correspondents write to ask
In most courteous manner to know
why have said nothing about the bicy-
Gle and the new woman. This is easily
explained. Others are saying and doing
enough in this line, SO that my silence
could not be noticed. am the friend of
both the bicycle and the new woman,
and yet both have their enemies. cut
the following ad. from The Rocky Noun
tain News of Denver:
"Wanted.-To trade cure for rup-
ture for ladies' bicycle; 81 Opera House
block.
Possibly, however, this is only figur-
alive and refers to disagreement be-
tween husband and wife, which the
peacemaker wishes to cure by getting