Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1895-05-15

Tom-How did you come OUT Jack-Head
first.
A New Degree of AGinity.-A.-H He is a
relation of yours by marriage, l believer
B.-Yes, he married my girl.
The Mamma-At what age do you con-
slider children most Interestingly The Bach
elor Friend-Any time after 80.
1t doesn't make any difference how good
the theatrical business may lie, the ballet
girls always have to kick for their pay.
81 caught a burglar in my room last
night" said the editor. Indeed p Yes;
but l only got SC out of the poor fellow p
Grump-Do you call this steak fit for a
Christian 10 eat? Waiter-We hain't anx-
ious about de religion of our customers boss.
Cholly Five O'Clock-How would you
aw-like to own a little-aw-puPpy, Miss
Fourleaf? Miss Fourleaf-This is 50 sud
den
DIR. Fogg-Young man, ! am afraid shall
not see you in heaven, Irreverent Youth
Cheer up, Doctor, you are not so wicked as
that.
Mrs. Greene-Is it, true, Charles, that
Hunter married for money Mr.. Greeue-
| think, my dear, it was owing to want Of
money.
A MAJ is always proud of his children
who are large for their age except when he
is trying to pass them on half-fare tickets
on the cars.
80 the i~nsolent fellow refused to pay his
rent ?" ale did not say so in words, but he
intimaled it," elbow SO? ?" He kicked me
down stairs"
A Cincinnati hrm exhibits a chicken with
two pairs of eyes. The chichen with four
pairs of drumsticks aud no liver is familiar
to every boarding house.
Tipple-Had you known your husband
very long when you married him SibyI-
What a foolish question Do you think I'd
have married hinl if had?
Mrs. F~u.sy-Johu, how did you happen
to buy a new umbrella to-day? Pussy
You told me always to leave one at home
and one in the Office; SO, in order to keep
off the rain, | had to buy a third.
Papa-So George is going to leave that
place. What is the trouble this time?
Mamma-Hc complains that the hours are
too long. P4pa-H'm. I guess George
would like to work from y till !, with an
hour of for luncheon.
"5hali | write out no5son's bill % asked
the clerk. No" returned the head of the
firm, after some deliberation. Il think
you'd better have it printed. Get about a
hundred copies or so. You'll need that
number before he pays it, and time and
money will be saved in the end"
Haze you been able to catch the Speak
ers eyef" asked the first lady legislator
"Haye II" r%cjoined the first lady legislator.
"Well, rather. wore my navy blue ben
g%aline, with the heliotrop. sleeves, and the
Speaker couldn't keep his eyes Off me-
Upon the call Of the House they separated.
His Soul Reyolted Zone Of these days"
said the Anarchist, well see this Whole
country in 6ames7 Don't SAY hat" re
piled his companion with a SILVER. "Wby
not :" Because if that happens they'll call
out ali tie FIRE departments, aud people will
be soaked promiscuousiy. 1t nd be worse
than a bath"
Fortune Teller-You msy in time make
a good income, but you will never be rich.
Young Man-Eh. Why nos: you are not
saving. You are wasteful." My my
I'm afraid that ia true. You have Il won.
derul gift. How did yon know l was
w%a.teful'" you have just wasted 81 get
ting your fortune told"
4 gouty old gentleman, after making his
will, called his serving man and remarked
michael, I've left you in my will ell The
impudence possess" Michael-Faith,
I'm glad to see that by your generosity l
inherit the greater part Of your estate
"Well, well, Michael, you've come into your
inheritance remarkably soon"
There's one thing to be said in favor Of
the pugilists that 60 on the stage" said Mrs.
Meekton. you never hear them quarrel
ing aud bick ering like ienors and leading
men" NO" replied her husband, moth
ing seems to go as we expected it to. The
actors all want to fight and won't act, and
the fighters all want to act and won't fight.
"Well," said Mr.. Sorkins, I've quit wor-
ryin' about the fate of the country and the
destiny of cur present social system, and
things" Have you solved all the prob
lens q" No, | haven't solved any of 'em.
But my daughter Minerya lane will be at
work on her graduation essay pretty soon,
and | guess | may as well make my mind
easy and find out all abou, it when she gets
through"