Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1895-08-21

And eve her from 10Ot to mead,
You feel she has only to put on more
To make herself ready for bed
Judge.
Court-"You say, young man, that
your incarceration would be the means
of crushing a widowed mother?' Pris-
oner-"Yes, your honor; with me gone
she would have nothing left to work for"
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Cannibal (to captured missionary
Have YOU any particular wish before
you are dished up"
Missionary-''I should like to deliver
one more lecture on the advantages of
vegetarian diet "-Ueber Land und Nicer.
James, didn't tell you
to sprinkle the lawn today?" James
NO sir; you said James, you may sprin-
kle the lawn today and there are so
many things you tell me l may do,
thought it wrong always to take advant-
age of your kindness; but, sir, | am just
as much obliged to you as though [ had
done it.'-Boston Transcript.
Baggsly-''Does Bowser belong to your
club" Waggsly-'No my club belongs
to Bowser. He's chairman of the house
committee. Brooklyn Life.
First Dog-'I heard Tommy Tucker
say ne was going to give you nice tin
pan"
Second Dog somewhat incredulous)-
I'm afraid there's a string to it"-Oak-
land Times.
William" said Mrs. Cumrox, what
place do you enjoy going to most when
you are away for the summer"
And, without moments hesitation,
the old gentleman placidly replied,
Home"
Customer-"Give me dozen fried oy-
sters." Waiter-'Sorry, sir; but were
all out of shell-ish, excepting eggs."-
Crypt.
Oh. ocean, how 1 envy you.
Though you are somewhat cold,
You grasp each morn her form whose
I'd give the world to hold.
Detroit Tribune.
Ethel Singleton-"But tell me, dear,
he comes home and finds dinner isn't
ready" Mrs. Benedict (sweetly)-"Yes.
just about as angry as a woman gets
every time she has it ready and he
doesn't come home. Puck.
Jones-'This chicken is fourteen years
Old Smith-.How can you tell the
age of a chicken?' Jones-"Ry the
teeth" Smith-"By the teeth! Chickens
don't have any teeth" Jones-"But l
have."-Crypt.
Feline.-The Younger One-''I wonder
if | will lose my looks, too, when / get
to your age?" The Elder One-"You
would be lucky if you did. ''-Washington
Star.
Mary had a little lamb
1t followed her each day,
Till Mary put the boomers on,
And then it ran away.
Louisville Times.
DE only ting" said Uncle Eben, dat
some men nebber gifts 'scOuraged ODER
am tryin' ter lib wifout wuh kin. Elk
change.
No SCHOOLGIRLS. Higbee-'I think YOU
had better go for the doctor, George.
Johnny complains of pains in his head"
Higbee-'I guess it is nothing serious
He has had them before" Mrs Higbee
Yes. but never on Saturday. Brook
lyn Life.
Mrs. Trott-"oh, I only went into
Did you? Tell me about it; did you
have real good time?" Mrs. Trott-
Not at all. | found what | wanted in
the very first shop | went into Mrs.
Streete-"How provokingn' -Tid-Bits.
Cholley-''All the fellows seem to be
attentive to that dowdy little girl in
pink Is she rich .
Gussie-'Rich! Why, her father is
bicycle manufacturer"'-Puc
If bicycles known as a bike
\ tricycle. must be a ''trike,'
And when winter comes round
1t will doubtless be found
That an icicle goes as an like"
Exchange.
Clerk-"Yes, sir! That's one of the
best clocks we have in the store 1t goes
eight days without winding"
Hayseed-'Is thet so? How long do
you figure she'll go when you do wind
her?'-Harper's Bazar
Tramp-'Say, boss, could yer give a
Teller . dime fer square meal?'
Kind Certainly, if the
meal is a good one. Where is it?"-The
State.
L begin to feel like my poems" sighed
the poet to the cruel lady who had said
nay to his gentle appeal.
I'm what respect pray?"
Il have been rejected so often. DE
troit Free Press.
Il may be wrong SAID the Hoosier,
''but | will back my judgment to the ex-
tent of small bottle anyway"
Small bottle?' said the Milwaukee
man.. with scorn. "I'll bet you small
key. '-Indianapolis Journal.
Alphonse-'You never hear of women
cashiers running off with their employers
money" Henri-"Not of'en; but when
it does happen they take the employer
too. ILLUSTRATED Bits.
During the June instruction in 1S4S
national guardsman wrote as follows
to a friend Of his: 81 am now writing
to you with a saber in one hand and a
pistol in the other" L'Ecole ct la
Famille.
'No, Johnny said the teacher, mot
five; four quarts make gallon
Johnny said he guessed he knew; his
father was in the business.-Boston
Transcript.
Little Ned-"Don't take away the
light. Mamma-'I want you to learn
to sleep without light Little Ned
Must [ sleep in the dark?" Mamma
yes" Little Mcdowell, then, wait a
minute, [ guess I'll get up and say my
prayers a little more carefully. Pitts
burg Bulletin.
There are some women who, if they
were to come down stairs in the middle
of the night and find a burglar in the
parlor, would ask him if he had wiped
his feet.-Truth.
1t was at a hotel on the Scottish
mountains. "Oh, Marianne. I do think
that gown of yours is just too lovely for
anything, and it is so appropriate to
wear up here" The other smiled self
approvingly. Yes" she said, smooth
ing down the folds of the frock in cues
Il