Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-05-12


am greatly amused at the wicked,
wicked remarks which these same gentle
creatures make concerning their less fat
sisters. Now you all know that at
ball where they all wear V-necks and
gowns cut decollete in the back, the maid
with the scrawny throat Is way below
par. while the chubby. rotund siren
with dimples in her elbows goes at
premium. 1t Is on occasions like these
that the semi-corpulent Walter GOWNS
the attenuated wall-fower, who hugs the
whitewash In solitude. Some days ago
l heard a fair one make a remark that
would have caused her victim to weep.
Tho victim. by tho way. had throat
and so forth, which wasn't built for fuii-
dress receptions. and when she with the
beautiful collar-bone saw II she gave
scornful look. and merely said: Inat
girls got a neck like corduroy road
And II did look that way, which maze the
remark all the more unchristian. But
wait till the girls put on all their clothesU
oh, no. don't mean that-I mean wait
TIL they put on their street costumes
and then you'll see the girl with the cor
duroy-road neck triumphant. Her STEM
derness doesn't show through WOODEN
goods whereas the obesity of her uncom-
pimentary sister makes her comparaDie
10 four-barrel. 1t is then. then. tnsh
that the wall-hower blossoms and emits
the fragrance of revenge. IL Is theh
tnat she enquiries into the strength OF
the sidewalks and quotes the poet VINO
siys, Il hate a dumpy woman.
Other girls have different tactics Iney
never yilify. They damn with FAINT
,raises. They say that Amanda is
dear. sweet girl" which, being inter-
Ireted means that she Is a regular
chump who wouldn't have the mentaiity
10 avoid the evil effects caused by the
liquidation Of the pluvial substance-in
lther words, who wouldn't have the
sense to come in out the wet. Another
compromise expression Is "shes awiui-
~ nice" which. taken In lis true mean
NC, implies that the awfully nice glri
Needn't hope for much OF a rush in this
world. And yet. somehow, the awfuily
nice girl stands about as good snow as
any OF them In fact, | have seen some
Did chromos with faces unfit for publ
cation ito use borrowed eNpression)
who outdld the round necked girl and
likewise the slm-wasted creatures, ana
yho, all of a sudden, made fine matches,
and likewise made some men happy. 1
never could be made happy that way
myself. guess I'm particular. My love
never could stand white stockings or n
face that required imagination to think
il beautiful. In concluding, my dear Sis
tiers. beg that you Will have more
brotherly love among you. IL you had
more brotherly love among yourselves
and less sisterly feeling for us men life
would be one long Christmas-day. Deal
gently with corduroy necks and too bulky
waists, for you, too, have freckles on
your face. and full well know that the
auburn richness Of your hair Is but the
result OF trickery. II you treated each
other as well as you treat us men
peace and happiness would reign and
you wouldn't need womans suffrage.
This spring weather has awakened all
the agricultural proc!ivities Of our house
hold. and for the last week the members
Of my family have jointly and severally
| devoted their efforts TO the filling OF the
backyard and TO the establishment Of
| that choice bit Of real estate which stands
| In front OF our mansion. My neighbours
| hens with a profound interest which Is
ever characteristic OF female curiosity,
| have watched these efforts 10 improve
, the yard, and when the seed are sown
| they will HE themselves 10 hitherto UNI
| known cracks in the palings. squeeze
| themselves into our territorial 1urisdic-
| ton, and proceed TO trespass on our pre-
| misses with both feet, and In manner
| calculated 10 convince us tlat HOHcSl,
| horny-fsted toll does not always pro-
duce a golden harvest It has invariably
| been tbs custom OF these same female
| ROSTERS to take outrageous liberties with
| our property and day after day, when
| the longing to -be-afarmer IL upon me,
| detect them wiping their feet upon our
| grass and scratching their initials upon
| our howerbeds. Why the gentler sex or
| the gallinaceous fowl persist In showing
| such perversity Is more than my discern
| ing mind can grasp, although | have at
| times suspected that the handsome young
| male hen in our other neighbors yard
| Is. perhaps, the attraction. This young
male hen has o rudy complexion.
| iaunty air end a chivalric nature which
renders him absolutely Irresistible In the
| eyes of those who lay eggs. He comes
| over to see us sometimes, and extends
| the hospitality OF my premises In man
ner which is truly admirable. Occasion
| ally. when he finds a grub-worm or some
| other delicacy. ne calls out loudly and
! CALAMITY TO those who love him, and
| when they have clustered around him
he proceeds 10 eat It himself in such an
| easy, nonchalant way that they all stand
! dumbfounded with admiration. Then,
| after he has begun to comfortably digest
! the article which the ladies had hoped
| for, he drops one wing so that II VIII
| drag, and proceeds TO execute the waltz
| step around HIS fair bevy OF adcrers. This
produces a Hutter OF delight and causes
any amount Of retaliatory coquetry and
| feminine Righteousness. After everybody
| has thus been satisfied with the male
| hens little song and dance the whole
| Marty adjourn to our tOmato-bed ana
make extensive excavations. Early In the
morning, when | ilutter around my room
! I'm deshabile I witness this little drama
| and am powerless To check II. And YET
people often marvel that my language Is
not invariably Biblical.
| When the agricultural. Horticultural en-
| thusiasm Is on the lady members or our
| circle | always look out for trouble ana
! prepara TO exercise that excellent quail
| ~ / possess which is known as Chris
| tian resignation. For instance. they al
WAYS dig up the front yard with our
| table knives and forks, and put my
perlque tobacco on the plants % kes p
| away bugs. Now. anybody who knows
ANYTHING at all knows that to-
| bacco ought TO be a strong In
| ducement 70 gentlemen bugs. Then they
! Uhe ladies' not the bugs take my shoe'
| strings to train the vines upon, and per-
| form other tricks which cause me to eX-
perience emotions which convince me
| am unqualified for missionary work. In
| the back yard my brother-in-law tolls
! with honest perspiratIon on his brow and
| still more honest corns on his hands.
| Each season he reaps harvest OF two
| quarts Of spring onions. They are the
most tempting things in the world. and
We keep them In bouquets around the
/ house. | never touch them. | move In
| society. l don't like for people TO know
when I'm coming or to wish that / would
| go when | do come. If I owned a fifty
acre lot or a Robinson Crusoe desert
| island I would eat onions. As 1t is,
! however, l am phlanthropIc.
| THE IDLE REPORTER.
| WYTHEVILLE.