Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1895-02-21
JOHN SMITH, DYSPEPTIC.

"O S"AN
JOHN SMITH, DYSPEPTIC.
1t makes 10 difference if John Smith
was born with indigestion, acquired
indigestion or had indigestion thrust
upon him, he was what the world calls
dyspeptic.
The widow Janrison had told more
than once how Mr.. Smith, when he
came first to her clearinghouse, wore
/ only stiff, bristle-like mustache, and
did not then appear With the iron
gray side whiskers which distinguished
him, and which he literally kept
trimmed to a hair. She told, too, how
her feelings had been hurt when first
her oldest boarder began to grow the
WhiSkers. 1t was ome time after he
came to her house, a year or more,
perhaps. She had got SO she thought
she understood him petty we'll. At
any rate, she knew just how brown
he wanted his apples baked, and just
what apple he preferred to have
baked. She knew, too, that he would
"a Ohly LI1C ~ LIN lb"t ClS blSllh
guished for their plumpness after they
had been stelved. She knew just how
he wanted his bread toasted, and she
knew, too. that he would not eat the
coast if he knew the bread was less
than two days old. She knew how
rare he wanted his roast beef, and
what part of it he preferred. And she
had ground indelibly in her memory
the only kind of oatmeal he would eat,
how long he wanted it cooked, how
warm the milk must be which he put
with it, the exact number Of seconds
which his eggs must be boiled and how
fresh they must be.
She understood further how he
wanted his knife and fork and his nap
kin placed Oh the table. He had told
her that it was better to have the
knives and forks lie north and south
because Of the electrical influences at
work all the time, and she remembered
it. Mrs. Jamison never ce1 sidered
him a crank; she said OnlyLhe was
much younger than She-that she Suf-
fered 50 much from dyspepSy." SO
she humored him i'll all his Whims,
and pleased him, as she thought; for
lie had told her in a burst of good
feeling one Christmas morning. that
he had never enjoyed such good cook
ing anywhere as he had at her board
ing-house. And that Christmas day
seemed more merry to her than any
other. And if she had told it all She
would have confessed that his few
words had made her more happy than
anything she had heard since the dear,
good "a Jamison had died and left
her to make her way in the world al
we'll as she might. But the impression
which Mr.. Smith had created at the
time did not last long. He began to
grow the whiskers, the widow had
told her intimates, and she had asked
him why. He snapped out to her that
he was growing them because his
looking glass, which he consulted
daily, had told him that he was getting
thinner, and he wanted to hide that
fact from his friends and fellow-em-
ployes in the office.
And really" Mrs. Jamison had de-
clared, and always in a tone of sor-
row., "he was gittin' fatter all the time.
Of course, he WIS never what yu'd call
fat, but he wusn't thin then, though he
wus thinner when he first came to my
house. 1 felt dreadful cut UP about it."
In the mental distress caused by that
incident Mrs. Jamison actually got
one of the baked apples too brown,
and, strange as it may appear, kept
The eggs III the water all of twelve Sec
Onds too long, both of which lapses
were discovered on the instant by Mr..
Smith.
That night he informed Mrs. Jami-
son that he would be compelled to
leave her house, that he could not re-
main longer in her establishment and
sacrifice himself as a martyr to bad
cooking. He took longer to say it than
that, and seized the opportunity to
joint out in just what way the of
lenses had been committed. He had
! saved the baked apples and the eggs
and, during the course Of his remarks,
produced them as evidence Of what
he termed in his OWL mind the "vi.
cious carelessness, or worse" of his
boarding mistress.
On that occasion Mrs. Jamison was
taken aback at first so that she hardly
knew what to say in reply to his an
n~ouncement. She tried to speak, but
could moi. She could feel the breath
passing through her throat, but she
could make no sound. Her agitation
was extreme. She put n hand to the
back of her head and felt of her switch
in order to see if it was loose. She
didn't know it was loose, she didn't
eve think it was. If she had thought
about it at all she would have remem-
bered that it was her new switch she
had on and that it was we'll pinned,
which would have been a comforting