Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-03-03
SOME QUEER QUERIES
The Idle Reporters Constituents Isl
Him Many Pulling Questions.
THE WEIGHT OF HUMAN HEARTS.
which Did Patrick Henry Get
Liberty or Deafhs-A Pathetic In
auiry About Twins-"PoliticaI Ma
nfnrs."

or all the many friends with whom
Cine whenever opportunity offers itself
there Is no one who more frequently at
tracts me at meal-tlmes than that able and
encyclopaedia individual known among
us Journalists as the "Dispatch Query
Editor" At his residence-and. for rea-
sons stated above. ! have oftimes
pulled the latch-strins Of his door-I find
everything to my liking. and many and
many a time have l smoked bis pipe
with a feeling Of peace and comfort
only equalled by my composure when
puff my own. The paper on the walls OF
his abode Is artistlcally designed whh
quantity grouped interrogation-points. and
the very maccaronI on his table Is cooked
In the form OF luestion-marks. In this
lnterrogatory atmosphere. where every
zephyr blows some conundrum to my
friend. and where even the flies on drowsy
wings hum the monotone Of repeated
riddles. dine and learn. yea breathe the
air of wisdom and become bloated there
with. Fairest OF all the flowers that blos-
som in that garden of encyclopedias ana
dictionaries stands the Query Editor v
In all the full-blown sophistry OF his sta
tisticsl lore His knowledge Is immea-
surable. and he swoops down from one
subject TO another with all the facility
which characteriZes the grace or the
American eagle when he fiutters from
the clouds TO his prey on earth below.
The postman brings the letter containing
the question TO the Office door; II IL blown
up through the tube. torn open, ana reau
Then, after an editorial scratch OF the STA
tlsticaI and infsllible Uranium, the answer
Is forthwith scrIbbled down on paper,
hustled TO the composing-room ana dis
tr,buted among the rapacicus printers,
who during the interim have been rhetori-
cally and oratorically swearing. with
wide scope OF vocabulary. over my manu-
script. And tnen on the Sabbath, when
the preachers are wondering why their
congregations are so small. this informa-
ton is disseminated throughout the land.
That Query Editor" can answer any
thing you fire at him. whether the inter-
rogation comes from the h0rny-nsted'
freckle-necked agriculturist, with palms
like a terrapn's back or from the WHY
scholar who thinks he knows 80 much
that all the public libraries blush with
shame In his presence. He can tell you
how to cure pug-dog's headache or ex-
plain the technical distinctions between
the expressions II differ with you and
81 differ from you" Nay. more. he can
tell YOU about society's views concerning
the propriety OF tucking your napkin un-
der your chin or expatats upon Dog
Latin" and Pigeon English" on agri-
cultural topics he Is a second Thomas
Whitehead. and he bristles with gram
matlcal niceties Ike sapient cninquapin
burr. During his hours OF slumber lie
dreams OF technicalities. and all through
his siestas he figures on mathematical
problems, and occasionally has night
mare when some subject for a moment
I-rplexes him or when he imagines he Is
receiving anonymous queries, which. by
the way. excite his wrath more than IA
chew OF tobacco surreptitiousy given 10
circus elephant by "A designing urchin.
Like all great men, the query Editor
has his imitators. but they can never
soar aloft TO and swoop down from varied
subjects ike he does. He Is positively
the only genuine one-I was about To say
the only one captured alye-and all others
that you hear about are bogus articles.
And Is 1t any wonder, smoking his pipe
ard admiriug him as ! do, that l should
long TO walk In his shoes, especially as
I'm almost barefoOted Just at present
lis IL any wonder | would fain join the
hosts of his unworthy imitat0rs anu set
myself up as an all-round athlete IN uni
yersal knowledge? But. alas! | cannot
though I think even he viii pardon me II
to-day | take the liberty OF publishing
a few interrogatory communications when
| have received and attempting to answer
the same.
Here's the first. which. by the way was
sent from west Franklin street:
RICHMOND. VA. February a. 1895.
Idle Reporter, Esq, Penitentiary Ter
race. City:
Respected Free-Lunch Grabber, r,-Will
you do me the favor to answer delicate
but important question? What Is the
weight OF a mans heart? Several gentle
men tell me own theirs, and If all theii
vows be true, have the requisite para
phernalla TO start a meat-storc.
Yours, for Irritation, PRISCILLA.
Answer OF Query Editor pro TEN
CHATS me):
Priscilla, ducky. your question Is wha
is technically known as 1aW-breaker
but the bureau of information hasn't ye'
exhausted itself. and I'm prepared to an
swer. The average weight OF an averag'
DAYS before woman became so degene
rate she had nine ounces OF the same
article Thus you will see that II yot
were not degenerate mo doubt, cause,
nv YOUR living on Franklin street,, ant
even II you had only one lover. you woui'
even then come out two ounces anea'
of the game. Suppose, for instance, yot
have ten sweethearts then, muluplynI
eleven ounces by ten you have ITO ounces
of that fippity-hoppty article when get
so many OF us In trouble. That would D'
quite enough 10 start meat-store win
as you suggest. but dom try II. giriie-girl
+, wouldn't pay-leastwise, not Will,
calrs liver and bacon Is so popular.
While on this anatomical subject per
NIT me to add q few words more-in ml
own chaste style on brains. IL might b.
well for you to study up on the suhSec'
anyhow. Mans brain-supposing'
course, his application for admission int
a hnatic- asylum Is not on file-generdll
TIPS the scale at fcrty-nine and one bal
ounces. while woman-poor. frail wo
rnsn-comes next. with only forty-tou
ounces. IL you arc female suHfaBi5'
please take note OF this and smoke ]
| In yor- pipe. You will see from the abov
| figures that our sex Is ahead or yours
| There are exceptions 10 the rule, however
| and I must admit that I've known II e
who were several ounces shy on cerebra
| avolrdupois. A good system or weight
| and measures applied 10 the congress
sional cocoanuts now In Washington
| might possibly show a shortage OF man
! mounds among our national representa-
| tiyes. Ii Is not my purpose 10 De mar
| on you fair ones. however fbeing a
| I've got several buttons on my vest
| and even though your hearts weight
stand In the ratio OF s2 to 100 compare
TO ours. and your brain is as % to 10
| still you have redeeming traits. A man
| two lungs weigh % ounces, and Wo
| mans only 90. but. as l am Informed
| woman's voice can be heard as far an
| as often as the voice OF - -nan'-oftenei
| IN fact. If the couple upon whom We ar
baslne the Comparison is married. regre
| that I cannot furnish you statistics con
| cerning the ratio OF a babys luns-po"e'
| as IL stands 10 that OF a man. but AZ
| rough guess / should say IL Is about l'VO
to 100. .. tr o.
Priscilla. you sign yourself. yours 10
nlrtation." That can never beat most
| can be only first cousin 70 you. ~
fact that you live on Franklin sur,
moves me not--your house IS nnor,sasu'
Write to me again when my fafn'iy al
| away rntrop
Yours paternally. THE hDi i'
| Dat Danss and reflect on this. Beh'i