New Ulm review. (New Ulm, Brown County, Minn.) 1892-1961, 1895-07-03
HEAR AN ASSESSOR.
HE RELATES HIS EXPERIENCE AND
GIVES A BIT OF ADVICE.

HE RELATES HIS EXPERIENCE AND
GIVES A BIT OF ADVICE.
| His Piano and Poverty Problem-A Parrot
That Was Cheap at Any Price-A Scene
| In Upper Tendon An Appeal For
Courtesy 10 the Assessor.
When by telling the truth am evil is
perpetrated, then it is wrong to tell the
truth. I suppose that is the reason SO
many people are doing good BY telling
falsehoods to personal property assess
ors The writer is deputy assessor in
the west town, and at present he is COM
plllng book that is full of names and
ngures. The names are all right, but
the man who said Figures can't lie''
never assessed personal property.
There are about SO of us assessors,
VINO form in line at 9 a. M. move up
to q window IN Assessor Jacob M.
Horns west town Office, Haymarket
Theater building, and get our books and
blank schedules. These cafskin covered
books contain little map Of some par
ticular district in the great West Side.
We move out to these districts and go
to work. The town clerk registers our
oaths to faithfully perform the duties
of an assessor" and the people we as
sess do the rest Of the swearing That
isn't all Sometimes they set the dog
on us and otherwise treat us as though
we were book agents. That makes the
assessor warm, and then he interviews
a neighbor regarding property that is
not accessible. And the consequence is
people who bounced" the assessor will
find a valuation placed upon their prop
erty that will cause them to think there
is nothing certain but death and taxes.
Occasionally we find poverty and pi-
ano together. The piano is assessable,
and the poverty isn't. If you assess the
piano, you increase the poverty, and
there you are.
These incongruities come up, and IN
less you have the wisdom of a board of
equalization there is trouble. Speaking
about this board, have an idea that
they will just about double the poor as
SCISSORS figures when they get down to
work. A keen assessor can locate every
piano in his district. If he doesn't hear
it, everybody else in the neighborhood
has, and they tell him about it. I asked
a real nice looking lady the other day if
she had a piano, and she said mo-"
"Why, yes, mamma, we have" said
her little girl.
The mother said: eco into the house
this minute, you naughty girl How
dare you'' And then the child knew she
had done something wrong. She had
told the truth to nasty, mean assessor
went into a little candy store on the
same street. To the woman behind the
counter I stated my business.
She replied: II am poor widow. My
God, what will I do?" Tears flowed
down her cheeks, and she sobbed as
though her heart would break. The as
SCISSOR felt so mean that he sneaked out
without asking her name.
Even the parrots are down on assess
ors. A Latin street bird told the as
SCISSOR to got -- any number of times
while he was conducting the inquisito-
rial ceremony.
''That bird speaks very plainly,'' said
the writer.
''Just hear the dear fellow He can
say -- just as plainly as cam will
sell him for $15 There's a bargain. :"
And the lady meant every word she said.
A parrot that can cuss an assessor is dirt
cheap at any price.
This is how they do it on Ashland
boulevard:
Scene, front stoop Of stone man
sion. Dramatis personae, lady with
large diamonds in her ears. Negigee at
tire. Assessor with book and an official
smile.
Lady-We are cleaning house today,
all topsy turvy, and you cannot come in.
Assessor-Not at all necessary, my
dear madam, that I should go in.
have brought this book and my imagi-
nation along, and I can see all that is
necessary. I see that this is a beautiful
house, and the eye Of my imagination
penetrates these walls. see a grand pi-
ano, statuary by Throwalstere, paint
ings by the old and new masters, tapes
tries from India, carpets from Turkey,
china from Dresden, bric-a-brac from
all parts of the world-in short, every
thing that lady Of your exceptional
Judgment would use in embellishing
such a noble mansion.
Lady-Sir!
Assessor-While I can hardly venture
to place valuation upon such treas
ures will be moderate and say $1O,-
900.
Lady-Do it if you dare! Come in and
see. ~ :.
The assessor went in and found his
mental picture scarcely overdrawn, but
the final courtesy caused slump in the
no II, ofinro