davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Why lie Employs Women.

1t is significant fact that out of
the sixty mployes in the ten great
Hoard creameries and two daily
newspaper establishments at Fort At
kinson, Wis, forty are women. Gov
ernor Ho ard on being recently asked
why this was so, quoted certain
business man in Chicago in reply:
1T took me some years and a good
many thousands of dollars to learn
that woman won't drink up my
money, she won't smoke up my
money, and she is seldom supporting
an extravagant member of the oppo-
site sex on my money. "-Harper's Ba-
1ar
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Straining a Friendship.

He-What changes time maltest
Just think, only year ago was in
love with you.
She-Does it seem so short?
He-What, since you refused me? In
one sense, yes. 1t shows how quickly
ones feelings can be revolutionized.
/ never dreamed then that could be
just your friend.
She-And now?
He-Now it is difficult to under
stand how / could be anything else.
This, this is so much better.
She-Do you think so?
He-I know ii. | was blind; blind
to your faults, blind to the best that
is in you. Now l can see clearly, and
to be simply your friend is all / could
wish for What splendid sense you
showed when you refused me.
She-Indeed.
He-Why, it was one of the best
things that ever happened to me. 1t
fairly brought me to my senses And
now, how different it is! / don't sup
pose it would be possible for me to get
up n grain of sentiment so far as you
are concerned.
She (coldly)-Quite change from the
fool you made of yourself.
He (heartily)-Yes, isn't it?
She (sneeringly)-I suppose you now
have an unbounded admiration for
yourself at such marvellous recovery.
He (dumbfounded)- Why, surely,
surely, you are not angry with me, my
friend. What have / said?
She bursting into tears)-Nothing,
only you might have taken a longer
time to get over it!
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
A Mean Trick.

Patrick was one of those witty sons
of the Celtic isle whose amusing say
ings had entertained many transatlan,
tic travellers.
One day when the steamer was about
leaving port Patrick received the order
to haul in long cable that dragged
aste-n. Patrick jumped to the task
cheerfully enough and hauled away
contentedly. But the excessive length
of the cable taxed his patience
81 wonder what's become of the end
of this ould cable, anyhow" And
finally, growing more impatient, he
growled out: Faith, it's no use haul.
ing away at the haste NV cable
Some divil's cut the end off NV it. -
Harper's Magazine for February.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
One More Triumnh.

What has your last Arctic
expedition Accomplished
Arctic Explorer-What has been &C.
complished? Why, sir, we have fully
and incontrovertibly demonstrated
that babies can be born at the North
pole as well as at the equator
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07

proportions are as follows: To one
ounce of glycerine and one ounce
of rose water add twenty drops of
benzoin. 1t should be put upon the
hands after washing them, but before
they are wiped. The benzoin seems
to have an antiseptic quality that is
particularly grateful to too suscepti-
BILE skins"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
A Director.

Lawyer-Did / understand you to
say that your son was one of the di-
rectors of the Equitable Life Assurance
company?
Mrs. Muggs-Why, yes, he's that tall
fellow who stands in the hallway and
directs the people to the elevators.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Too intellectual.

"How," inquired the languorous
beauty with the coffee stains on the
front of her wrapper, ''did she happen
not to marry him?"
The girl whose regal beauty was
somewhat dimmed by the motion OF
her jaws as she partook of light re-
past, made prompt reply.
'.She was saved by presence OF
mind" she explained. "Its presence
was so very manifest he was glad to
escape. Detroit Tribune.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
An Ideal job.

Mrs Dogood-Is there any kind of
work you could be induced to do?
Dusty Rhodes-The dream of my life
has been to go into dime museum.
Mrs. Dogood-What could you do?
Dusty Rhodes-I have an idea I'd
make lovely ossified man.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
A Convenient Rice Pudding.

Pour upon two cups of cold boiled
rice pint of milk. Rub the rice
smooth, then boil it up in the milk.
Remove from the fire and add half q
cup of sugar, bit OF butter, two
beaten eggs, essence of rose or lie mon
and salt to taste. Put into buttered
dish, CRATE nutmeg over the top and
bake half an hour
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Acknowledged. .

Mrs. Witherby-I've been with an
engaged couple all day. wonder if
we were as stupid before we were mar
ried?
Witherby-I was, or never would
have been married
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
He Was Justified.

Old Gent-Young man, when was
your age thought horse car plenty
good enough for me.
Youth (alighting from hansom)-But
you were never the only son of rich
father or you would not have taken
such risks.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
He Was Particular,

NO" said Mrs. Sparrograss to
Weary Wiggles, II can't give you any
meat or any pie, because haven't any;
but l can give you a drink of milk, if
that will do"
rs it sterilized, mum?' asked the
tramp anxiously
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
For Chapped Hands.

''The incest thing for chapped
hands that have yet struck" said an
observing woman, sis a preparation
of glyeerine, rose water and benzoin.
Any q luggist will mix it for you. The
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Conscientious.

New Reporter-I went to Hon. Mr..
Mudd's house at s p. m, and they said
he was in Europe.
Editor-Well?
N. R.-Then ! went again at 9:lO and
IL, but each time they said he was still
in Europe.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
A Good beginning.

She-I haven't read your story, but I
know / shall like it.
He-How do you know?
She-It ends well.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Perhaps.

She-What makes love so blind?
He-Cataracts in his eyes, guess
She--And that's why Niagara has
such fascination for bridal couples,
perhaps
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
What Happened.

Superintendent of Police-I believe
the officer on the stand to be speaking
the truth.
Commissioner-Wha is the usual
proceeding on an action like this?
Superintendent of Police--I recon.
mend his suspension at once.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07

castles in the air.
He was always in
renting, was Carbon; always spend
clg days and nights in the manufac-
sure of some wonderful machine or
,ther which was to revolutionize the
world and make him famous, only to
find after all his labor some irremedi-
able flaw in his plan which rendered
the completion of the machine an inn
possibility, or prevented it working.
He gazed around him on the gaunt
skeletons in wood and brass of past
hopes, and clenched his hands fiercely.
"A failure! Everything in my life
is miserable failure" he cried aloud
ms he paced the floor.
1t was not the breakdown of an or
binary invention, however, that wrung
the bitter words from him. He had
grown accustomed to waking in the
morning with an idea worth millions
in his head, and going to bed at night
with the knowledge that it was not
worth 100000 match-stlcks; and
had become quite philosophical over
the failure of his plans for money
making. But this time it was a diff
ferent arrangement that had broken
down, an arrangement by which the
inventor hoped to make himself a
home and children; and the main
spring in the shape of Deborah Dene,
the woman he loved, had failed him.
ter she had sent him, abruptly an
nouncing that she wished to break off
their engagement
There was revolver lying on the
inventors bench, which had thrice
had its bright barrel pointed towar d
his forehead, but three times the
mans purpose had failed him at the
decisive moment
The fact of his cowardice led to the
mans irritation against himself.
81 fail in everything that would
make life worth living, and gan not
even kill myself" he went on, in his
despairing soliloquy. 'Must every
thing try prove failure?"
He took up the revolver once more
with sudden determination. and hold
ing the barrel between his teeth,
pulled the trigger. There was a
click, but nothing more; he had for
gotten, after all, to load the thing.
He had failed once more to kill
himself, and the nervous shock he had
experienced had made it impossible to
repeat the attempt He must think
of something, he told himself which
would make the last act easier for
him. He was determined on suicide,
and had committed himself by inform
ing Deborah of his intentions; but
when the single movement of fin
ger was in moment TO make all the
difference between life and death,
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
The Philadelphia girl

The Philadelphia girl.
Who grabs you with her might and main,
And nearly breaks your neck in twain!
Who holds small feet in much disdain9
The Chicago girl.
Who lets you kiss forehead nice,
But stops you il you do it twice.
Who makes you think of Greenland's ice!
The Boston girl.
But who's the fascinating miss,
That fills you with exquisite bliss'
Who is the sweetest girl to kiss
Our own dear girl.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Matildy, here

''Look up yonder, Matildy, here
comes Mistah Johnsing."
"Air yoh jealous, tibet yoh doan't
wish me to see him?"
"What? Jealous of dat black Mig
gah? Sho! He's walking proof of de
Dahwinian theery'-Truth.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Had No Experience.

LADY, thought, cook, that 1 told
you l wanted curried chickens for
dinner.
Cook-Yes, ma am, / knew it, but
never curried chicken in my life
I'm no hostler myself. and the groom
said he was too busy to show me how.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Had Enough.

Foggs When the thug hit you with
the sand bag why didn't you shout for
a policeman?
BoppS-SaV / hain't n hoo
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07

Hicks-You are SO handy making
over things, wish you would do some
thing for me.
Mrs Hicks--What do you want made
over?
Hicks-That box of cigars you bought
me.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
All Over.

Sandstone-You must have been
calling on some girl pretty regularly.
/ haven't seen anything of you for
weeks.
Trimberly-Yo will now.
Sandstone-How so?
Trimberly-I called on her father
yesterday
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
OUR LAUGHING GAS.
FUNNY SAYINGS AND DOINGS
BY HUMORISTS.
Girls of the Cities, Our Own Included
The Man Who Talked Through His
Hat-Society In MISUNDERSTANDING
wit.

)HO BREATHES A
soft, long drawn out
sigh,
Declares she knows
that she'll Just die"
But all the same, who
lets you tryi
The Baltimore girl.
Who holds you in a
sweet embrace!
Who never let's you
leave the place.
Who has for kissing
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
A Slippery Subject.

What remark did Jaggs make
when he sat down on the icy pavement
last night?
Gaggs-He said he wondered why
water always freezes with the slippery
side uppermost.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
Explained at Last.

Mazie-Why do you actresses always
have real name and a stage name,
too, pray?
Prima Donna-Well, you see we
change our real names about four times
a year, so we have to keep at least one
permanent name to cover the whole
list and save bill posting.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
In Praise OF Hot Water.


eff were asked what womans best
friend is" said the doctor thought
fully, 81 should say hot water. If
she drinks hot water an hour before
her breakfast she will be able to
ward off dyspepsia. If she drinks hot
water favored with lemon and
sweetened with sugar when she has
been out in the cold she will ward off
the chills. The same agreeable med
icine taken early enough in the pro-
gress of a cold will stop it. When a
nervous headache makes the fore
head throb and the back of the neck
ache, hot water will relieve the pain
''For tired eyes, inlamed eyelids
and styes," continued the doctor,
nothing is so good as hot water.
The eyes should be sopped with a
cloth dipped in boiling water. Sprains
may be relieved greatly by soaking
the afflicted member in hot water for
half an hour at time and then bind
ing it with a flannel bandage. Bruises
yield to much the same treatment,
although much long soaking is unne-
cessary. Wounds ana sores may be
treated by pouring hot water on them
for few minutes at time. Very
hot water applied to bleeding cut
will stop the flow of blood frequently.
"Then for mere comfort" she went
on, "few things equal hot water A
rubber bag full of it makes one indif-
ferent to cold. Wrapped in flannel
and put on the floor of carriage it is
invaluable. She who suffers from
cold feet at night has but to fill hot
water bag to know what comfort is.
Sufferers from sleeplessness find
the mselves deliciously drowsy after a
hot bath. Wrinkles flee before it, and
blackheads vanish before its constant
use. Great is hot water"
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
] berly-You will now,
just the Thing.

Mrs Bingley lin her new flat)-This
closet is altogether too small for our
fhinuS
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
yley-Can't you use it?
The Reason of IL

Mrs Bingley-Oh, yes. 1t will make
| lovely servants room.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07
With spoon and Cup.

hS ioiioNiuS hlcdSureS Ol CdpiClUy
may be found useful to hang in the
kitchen for easy reference:
Four even teaspoonfuls of liquid
equal one even tablespoonful.
Three even teaspoonfuls dry mater
ial equal one even tablespoonful.
Sixteen tablespoonfuls equal one
cupful.
Twelve tablespoonfuls dry material
equal one cupful.
Two cupfuls equal one pint
Four cupfuls equal one quart.
Four cupfuls of flour equal one quart
or one pound.
Two cupfuls of solid butter equal
one pound.
Two cupfuls granulated sugar equal
one pound.
Two and one half cupfuls powdered
sugar equal one pound.
One pint milk or water equals one
pound.
One dozen eggs should weigh one
and one-half pounds.
Skim milk is heavier than whole
milk and cream is lighter than either,
heavier than water
The following table of proportions
is also valuable. Use:
One teaspoonful soda to one cupful
molasses.
One teaspoonful soda to one pint
sour milk.
Three teaspoonfuls baking powder
to one quart flour.
One-half cupful of yeast or one
quarter cake compressed yeast to one
pint liquid.
One teaspoonful extract to one loaf
plain cake.
One teaspoonful salt to two quarts
| flour.
One teaspoonful salt to one quart
soup.
One scant cupful of liquid to two
full cups of -four for bread.
One scant cupful of liquid to two
| full cups Of flour for mullins.
One scant cupful of liquid to one
| full cup of -four for batters.
One quart water to each pound OF
meat and bone for soup stock.
Four peppercorns, four cloves, one
| teaspoonful mixed herbs for each
| quart of water for soup stock.
1t is often said of good cooks that
'they never measure-they guess. v
! Not so. Long experience has taught
| them to measure, and measure ac-
curately, by means of that same ex-
perlence and judgment This, how:
ever, is a most risky experiment for
beginners, whose pinions are still in
sufficiently furnished with plumage
for independent aerial navigation.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-03-07

INVENTION

ALPH CARBON
strobe modify up
and down his
Workshop, lit
tered with the
odds and ends of
machinery which
represented the
ruins of a hundred
castles in the air.
n
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1895-05-05
A CAT THAT CAN JUMP.

In n seed store on Pcarl-st. not many doors from
Wall there Is an office cat that can jump from the
floor through the transom over ordinary door
without touching: but she begs pltfuy not TO be
made to do II.
Ten days in every fortnight Nettle. who IL named
after "A famous horse that used to be the champion
high Jumper AZ Barnum's circus is quiet. sleepy
office eat. curled up rug before the fire. In
the upper stories there are great sacks of seeds
piled up In such way as TO leave six-inch space
between them and the wall. Thither Nette repairs
at the end Of the ten days and nothing is seen Of
her for three four days. Then she makes her
appearance fat and sleek. and with score two
Of mice To her credit: and the rest scared far
away that there would be- mighty poor hunting for
the next ten days.
History does relate how Nettle first discov-
cred that II was easy enough to jump through a
transom straight and clean Al hrst she thought IL
f,In and was proud 10 show off her accomplishment
before visitors but day the office boy placed
n tub of water Just where Nette would land. The
wicked boy lost his official head so quickly that II
made him dizzy: but Nette never jumps ex-
cept under protest -
SIN the rule In that office Is that cat which
can mmp and won't jump must be made TO jump;
ami il you call there any day not devoted to hunt
ing among the seed sacks YOU VIII enjoy private
view of a performance as yet unrivaled
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1895-05-05
ROMANCE IN vienna.


~ i
Vienna. April Is
w.. hav. iust heard most phih'N' "'"'
r, ,.h., and how II began does not mat
1 h,l II ended happily u might nave re-
,i,,l I'm ohllvion: but as II Is genuine s'o'S az"
ma, an idle romance. 1t deserves 10 fo ." .,
Ambitions to master few more OF inc "pP''
,s ,,,ri.aci.s Of the German language We
,,,u.I ~ a teacher wen known IN the ANU 49,
ounrtcr no, long ago. We found FRAU N''r''"'
.l ,o,nau with n very satisfactory way o'
discriminating parts OF speech she " "o' 80, ~,
tran hui tho descendant OF an oil Dresden nanny.
and vas prosperous In her youth No"' S"' '
,' ,o,,gb,crs teach daily to earn not too sunp"-
oue living and rent out "A room or t"o !" '
small apartments The frau sits IN ''e "''n' ~
,,,ion room with her pupils. lacc-trl'"''n
shoull.r cape over her stun gown. anu sim NV
al,,,vs upon her long. wrinided hhhnS RAW"
icn Maria attends TO the maid ana the "'"
,nairs when she is not out giving lessons to people
,oo lazy or rich come 10 her, ana fI""'ci"
! ,,,so e,,s I'm her rolling chair. She Is Cripple
rI m. heroine OF the story. For SIX or seven
Wars she has occupied that chair. "h'h "o' "Po"
,.r he'd but she is the brightest, s"''''S' '''""''
her face always serene. her gay htti' poi'''S WI"
.,,h decided grace from the waist up. You WOULD
- ,r,,,u that her lover limbs were cncased
-, i,s,cr NJ Paris or that she could not get mp ana
walk II Won didn't see the trntale fo''rS Oh '"0
chair She has FAR more animation IMAM 'h' Np-
c,I German woman and a inner Outline Oh ''"'"''
She looks "a II the vtalz'ns gaye's Vi '''''' '''
,,corpor,ted itself into her brain and body. giving
bcr rhe slender waist and pipuancy or expression
ho,oncinr bv right to the French woman
TN. first time We her she came ont INTO ths
n' '''' hin, tho chair herself a bright
coorcd shawl folded across h.r zap ros~ Of
o. ,n. story TO invest her with halo OF romance.
bur had 1t been 3'hrr" nsic M shning thromgh
sl,i snn.s and all the more pathetic for those
s%ilc, This Is the story 'S "'' 'o'"S' ''''"'''
'o ..sh i" was never SO strong as she might have
been she sr" ini,n.eG one fc in love with her
while she on rr,'ch W" W. ,t
! for The baths W." W., hnd rh"umatism The very day
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1895-05-05
MRS. a MPBRLL.

A great deal has been written and said lately
about the notorious Mrs, Patrick Campbell who Is
callei Nv some enthusiasts the only actress We
have ana by most people one OF the most fascnat-
ing artists The English stage For instance peo'
ton and 10 noors'y Loves being lloplsed, and y
and se, in he midst ~ n hedge ~ staring round
eyes The exact contrary !. the fact, Mrs Camp;
Ihone who VIII do anything for quiet lfe-whcn
she In m the Stage
sin"v nbhofn being followed about, gaaed A. and
"",m,nsn,od on. Indeed, her dislike Of this sort OF
s"Il"n"S n, n theatre. she often waits in her sen,
an. y Is oyer "S ,sSy one has departed
msstIc' AMI loves her home and her children
Then. Mc "a an accommodated musician, and a
woman can ever be a bookworm. IN order to
w,,hny doors and this fact accounts Tor her alb
scncc from many gatherings whereat celebrities dis
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1895-05-05

gave these old shops their distinctive name is the
hxei board or bench running along the frontage
outside the shutters. and this bench was almost In
variab.y accompanied by the overhanging pent. as
seen In this present instance on these hard and
unpliant beds We're won't 10 sleep the authors. poets
and journalists of the good old times when the
Grub-s hacks We're the arstocrats OF their profess
sion and the ancestor OF the modern reporter rep
resented the lower ranks. Not that genius was a
stranger 10 the bulk As bel for Richard Savage
often couched for the night 10 be rudely
awakened by indignant shopkeepers In the early
morn and damned for disspated rogue. and Nat
Lee passed from drunken sleep 10 death on q
bulk in Clare Market. perhaps even on this very
spot But however little he may like TO be reminded
OF the fact the modern eader-wrier and average
journalist des rend from the men who caroused
in taverns til closing time. and who when they
were thrust forth into the streets. snOrei upon bulkS
until morning came and woke them 10 their hard
and workaday world.
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1895-05-05
HFR CONFIRMA TON.

When nv Clornda walks In white
Unto her Confirmation Rite. -
What sinle~s dove can show 10 heaven
purer sight?
Beneath lawn. translucent, crown
Her lovely curls conceal their brown,
Her wanton eyes are fastened, even'
Demurely down.
And that delicious mouth OF rose
No words no smile. may diScompose
All OF her feels the approaching awe
And silent grows
Come. then. Thou nosclcss Spirit and rest
Here whore she waits Thee for her Guest
Pass not bu, sweetiy onward d'a"'
TIL heavens possessed
New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1895-05-05
THE LAST OF THE OLD BCLKSHOPS

From The 81. James's Budget
The clearances in Glare Market are sweeping away
a great number OF crazy old enements. but little Of
any interest is going with them. save. indeed, q
relic OF od-tme shopkeeping that remains
the last example of the bulkshops the usual
type OF shop in London. This is the cavernous and
lettering old place in Gilberts passage occupied
by poulterer, and presently to be cleared away
with the surrounding houses. The bulk which