Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1895-09-04

Il Ahbf NN' hAA6N0
mamma, | just wish that condensed COW
would die"
Zones seemed to be awfully mad when |
overlook him this morning" whats the
matter, | wonder ?" "Why, you see, / had
the faster horse"
He-I wonder where that sawdust that is
drifting out to sea comes from She-I
don't know, but | notice that Miss Van Swell
Ter is shrinking terribly.
"The farmer said one of the little pigs
was sick, so I brought it some sugar.
Sugar :" Eyes, sugar. Haven't you ever
heard of sugar.cured hams"
Clara Winterbloom-Therei only enough
to about halff i'll this trunk. What shall l do,
fill it up with papers? Mrs. Winterbloom
No. Let your father pack it.
That girl can't talk a little bit" as
that so ?" "Sure. The only thing she said
to me the whole evening was No. and | had
to propose to her to get her to say that"
"Haveyou the Relics of BY Gone Days."
asked the young lady, entering a bookstore.
"Yes," replied the polite clerk, with a bow,
eve have some Of last years calendars"
Uncle Treetop-These artists are pretty
aged chaps, aren't they? William Ann
What makes you think so? Uncle Treetop
This picture is signed Hawkins, %"
The Lady C~ycler-George how do | look
in my new bloomers? George promptly
Hideous. The Lady Cycler with joy
George, dear, how good of you to say so!
He-I would love to 20 abroad ON our
wedding trip dearest, but the very thought
of seasickness unmans NE. She-Don't let
it disturb you a bit darling | I'm never
seasick.
Londoner has asked Scottish visitor to
have a parting glass aud is about TO pay.
~Sandy-Na, ma ye've been payin' for a.
thing a the fortnight Well toss up for
this drink.
Mabel-Shall We girls go in bathing today
altogether? Aunt Maria-Mabel, ! an
surprised at you No you'll wear bathing
dresses, and modest ones, too, if have any
thing to say about it.
Tom Reed of Maine: II have taken
to riding a bicycle for my health" he said
to an interviewer the other day. II was a
good deal run down before ! got my wheel.
Now other people are.'
Mother am not whippingyou for going
i%nswimming but because you told me a story
about it. Boy (blubbering)-Well, if you
didn't want to whip me anyhow what did
you ask me about it for?
Nodd-I've had plumbers in my house
for a week. Todd-What are they trying to
do? Nodd-Judging from appearances, 1
should say they were trying to make my cell
lar over into an aquarium.
Liz" said Miss Kiljordan's youngest
brother, "doyou say woods is or woods are?
"WOods are, of COURSE" she answered.
?" "Cause Mr.. Woods are down in
the parlor waitin to see YOU"
She-George Peterson, if you kiss me
again I'll scream out loud. George kisses
her)-Good! ! never heard you scream out
loud. She-George Peterson, I won't scream
out loud now, just to spite you
Lover quoting Shakespeare )-Perdition
catch my soul but l do love thee. And
when | love thee not Modern Sweethea cart
-(frmly)-And when you love me not,
Timothy, it will cost you somewhere about
$500 damages.
Won Blumer earnestly Old man, YOU
have no idea how much it costs a man to send
his wife away for the summer. Plaukington
i suppose not. Won Blumer-No, sir!--
Since my wife has been away I've lost 500
a night on the average.
"Oh yes" said the engine driver, Il had
a chance to become a hero by sticking to my
post when the collision came, but when l
reflected that my name would be spelled 500
different ways in the newspapers, changed
my mind and jumped.
New conditions bring new forms to con-
yersation. Formerly when two ladies met
one would ask Did you see Mary Bowser
yesterday >" and the other would reply :"No
what did she have on ?" Nowadays the re-
ply is No; what kind of a wheel does she
ride ."
81 cannot deceive you he protested
Darling" she murmured And so they
were married. After that he found that he
had taken an unnecessarily gloomy view of
the situation. He found Is a matter of fact
he could deceive her with a Glove and the
old lodge story.
"Tm in a quandary," said the emminent
official. Whats the matter ?" inquired his
wife. They are talking of having a prize
fight under my very nose. I've got to do
something or the law and-order element will
be after me-" DWELL, issue a proclamation
forbidding it." "Yes-and if do that may
be they'll go and have the prize fight some
where else."