The free press., 1895-12-26
HUMOR OF THE DAY. \


HUMoR OF THE DAY.
All the worlds stage, and good
many Of the men and women in it are
merely stage robbers.
The greatest trouble in life is that
penny men are always trying to asso-
clate with dollar men. -AtchisoD
Globe.
Fools can ask questions which wise
men can not answer; but the wise
men are not always wise enough to
see that they can't.-Puck.
A woman's idea of economy is to
take as long time as possible in
spending twenty-five cents, but she
finally spends it.-Atchison Globe.
Marriage, we own, is lottery.
Yet here great difference lies:
There are times when we do rot enS
The man with the capital prize.
Judge.
Humorist-'1 am afraid these jokes
are not very good" Editor-"What
makes you think so?" Humorist-
'sMy wife laughed so at them" -
Puck.
Thought you said your friends
were a unit?" II was right about it,
too, answered the defeated one. II
got just one vote. ."-Indianapolia
Journal.
Patient-"I wish to consult you
with regard to my utter loss of mem
ory," "Doctor-'Ah-yes -why-er
i'm cases of this nature I always re-.
quire my fee in advance"
ssThat was an appropriate flower
Lord Impecune wore when he was
married to Miss Nuggets. II have
not heard of it. What was it?' "a
marigold. New York Press.
Simmons-s'You laughed at that
dreary old yarn of Mudge's as ii you
really enjoyed il" Timmins-"I did
really enjoy it. 1t is one of my own
Jokes. indianapolis Journal.
Mendicant- 81 was not always as ]
am now, sir" Grimshaw-"That's .
factl This morning you were deaf
and dumb instead OF being blind, and
had only three starving children in
stead of five. Puck.
Biggerstaff-" "Young Higgins says
he adores the very ground Miss Fosdick
walks on" Timberwheels - "Ha
wouldn't have such an affection for it
If he knew IL was mortgaged to its full
value. Detroit Free Press.
Bags-sJones is in an awful fix fol
a ne-voue man." Jags-"How so?"
Bags-'sThe only way to keep his
baby quiet is to ring the diuing-room
bell, and the house dog howls when-
ever he hears ii" Brooklyn Life.
aTeacher Tommy, you may define
the difference between while and
time" ITommy-"Wy wy when
paw says he is going downtown for q
while, NAV says she bets he is going
for time. "-Cincinnati Enquirer.
"Do you ever catch any whales.
Captain?" soften, ma'am, answered
the dignified Captain. "How very
wonderful Please tell me how you
catch them" "We drop few of the
old salts on their tails. Chicago Tri'
bune.
He-"I have never loved but once
in all my life" She-"What?" He
-sFact, assure you. 1t has soms'
how always happened that l never was
quite free from the one girl by the
time the next one came along. -n'
dianapohs Journal.
Strawber CDR. Probe has been
treating my rheumatism for the past
six months" Singerly-"Are you
any better?" Strawber-'I should
say SO. When he came with his bill
yesterday, was able to run like Q
deer" Harper's Bazaar.
Husband-"I have made all sorl
of sacrifices for you. Now. what did
you ever give up for me?" Wife
"What did / ever give up for your
Well, / never! Why, I gave up half
a dozen of the incest young men in
town. New York Weekly.
sTell me-" said the teacher, "what
is the difference between wrough. iron
and cast iron?" "Well," replied,
Will, smiling, ''the shoe worn by q
horse IS q wrought iron snOes puS
when the horse loses the shoe from it
foot it becomes cast iron shoe. -"
Golden Days.
The black bearded pirate, with !
knife between his teeth, boarded ths
passenger ship. Throw up you
hands!" he shouted. The passengel
hanging over the rail smiled feebly
II think did, not less than an houl
ago." he said, gaspingly. Cincinnati
ENQUIRER.