Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-04-21
JOY FOR UGLY MEN.
f is Not Beauty, But Winning Ways,
The Ladies Love.
ami, TURNING INFANT INDUSTRY,
ooorsc Washington the Patron
saint of pnhics--Cooing" In the
,.,,,o, sauarc-Wichmond to
Perish In Darkness


,crtsh In Darkness
,o.r davis ago saw newspaper ar
.,.,o which brought Joy 10 my innocent
..,l And made me believe that 1 have
-, IN NE. II stated that women
- s,o,.eA adorlng handsome men
m,dsvs and that The ugly rooster with
~. winning ways Is The fellow who at
rrcsen, gets closest to the hearts OF those
Nh chevy gum. II Is 90 this latter class
81 be,onr and think ! VIII be ac-
80 ~ no undp, conccit when say that
=. ,.,nlng WAYS are only equalied by
-. .,.sr,,css. Had been born red-headed
ara eross-eycd. with my neither limbs
.>..,r.ctel that | would have been
,..-.o,-.tatod for catching pig In an
.r,, mv personal beauty would indeed
-, "a successful failure. but, as IL is.
,.rnk I am sufficiently defective to
come within that class which women are
alleged % love. Julius Caesar and Dean
swlf; are pat IN the same category by
che writer. Neither OF these gentlemen
MS pretty. but they could borrow more
eravat-plns ana rings (Which they sub
semcnty pawncd) from the girls OF their
fav than any other fellows who moved In
tha.r s,t SO, after all. beauty is In the
eyc ~ the gazcr. and there Is no ac-
counting FOR taste. as the old lady re-
marked when she kissed the cow 1t is
10 sweet consolation. and leads me TO
mt.
7 really do believe. along with the fell
l.w who put balm on my wounded feel
irgs hy writing that article that pretty
mon don't cut much figure nowadays.
Girls like manly beauty-a fine chap with
padded shoulders and big feet, and corns
on his hands. and a fierce, colossal
moustachc That sopS up all the soup
when he goes TO eat. When a codger
ks this II around they know that II they
faint there's somebody 10 catch EN-
somebody who can scare off n
cow or n mouse. They say a handsome
man is cute" and sweet" just as II he
were pug-dog or a canary bird. and
while they admire n little sparrow Of
this sort for an hour or So they pretty
soon happen 10 be out when he gets to
calling too often. Oh, I'm so glad | amt
pretty. and that | have winning ways
There may be money in my face one OF
these days. and even now | often work
Il for cake and pie and photographs. and
Huyler's candy, for which the pretty man
has paid. when I so out OF an evening
all sleeked up. with my boots creased. my
hair oiled. and a nice paper rundown
collar ON my spiral neck. and n little
Bit OF my handkerchief sticking out OF
aClle gf h.xs oil aa
though l were the deacon. 1t Is those
winning ways Of mine-that personal
magnetism-that draws them around me.
even as ths molasses-smeared mouth Of
the presidential possibility attracts flies
In the summer time. And what is this
personal magnetism? II is that indie
Enable. irresistible lovellness Of character
which bursts through IN hOmely coverings
and flashes effulgently upon the eye Of
the gazer. like unto the merits Of the UNI
assuming Irish potato. which. though
humble In appearance and few in the hill.
yet ofitimes gets close 10 those with whom
II Is thrown in contact. And SO. dear
brethren. you. with the faces which some
have said would stop clock. | come
as the dove which bore the olive branch
10 Noah bringing "tidings Of comfort
and Joy" Be ye brave. for by your win
ming ways We have much good work be-
fore you. But keep away from the look
Ing glass.
Methlnks, as look down from the win
dow Of our old Capitol upon the emerald
Of the square below. that the
infant industry is surely on the increase
In this grand old Commonwealth. On
every side mine eye beholde.h baby-cdr-
riages and blinking tootsy- wootsies ga
lore. on spring days mild, when the air
IS mellOwed by the perfumed approach
Of summer a Gordon OF juvenile chariots
oncircles the base OF the Washington
monument and basks in the sunshine OF
happiness. Babies OF all sizes
and descriptions gather around this sacrcd
spot. and throughout the ,ivelong, drowsy
day. the grand drama Of iactean intern
perauce is enacted. as myriad bottles
catch the shimmering light Of spring
Occasionally an infant is removed in
but others quickly take its place
Hour after hour, the unbroken, unbreeka-
bic chain OF cherubic sweetness continues,
while ever and anon the music OF multi
tudInous cooling and prattlings float
(where they bolong, and
reach the ears Of him who rides the
metallic horse.
Alas. alas,-a strange and hooking in
consistency. Why. oh why, should
Washington, decades after his generated
ashes have crumbled In his Moant Yer
non sepulchre. come forward as the pa
iron saint OF babies? And not a one had
he providence left him childless In order
that his country might call him father"
Great was the mistake caused by the
ON ,sion Of this quotation from the Con-
stltutlOn " the United States. IL should
have been Article /. Think Of the saT-
casm implied by these infantile accumula-
tions at his feet to-day: think how II must
touch that pulselcss heart OF bronze;
think how that metal encased soul must
sometimes long for the memory of time,
when by the pickering light of the Co
lonial tailow-dip he paced the tack-brist-
ling floor in his paternal efforts 10 calm
the Nocturnal howlings Of the little George
whom he lOnged for, but that never came.
may have had glory, gran
deur. ability. and even the fine mouth
for Die. which some have attributed 10
him but in the matter 10 which | allude
some Of US were ahead OF him. way
ahead 81 him And he is TO be pitied. y
household without a baby is as cherries
as A hearthside without a cat.
TIE eloom OF municipal darkness
threatens our proud city. But rev
days more. and We the all-behOlding elec-
trio llsff VIII no longer see. haS - " ~
lumiae our thOroughfaros. and Richmond
Is to lapse once more into rurality. In the
future We must put our faith in lightning
bucs and brighten the blackness OF our
nocturnal way with the flashes of our wit
And why IS IL thus? Because our Coun-
r.l has had some misunderstanding with
the eleciric-light company and things
wouldn't adjust themselves. The progress
" Richmond civilization has always hurt
lnc. anyhow, and now that IL is TO be
temporarily checked l glory In the
change. This city life was killing me.
Walking on hard. brick pavements and
initiating town-folk has been job that
proved too much for me. Now / can
hope for better things. Now when we
Vs.. % 10 wallow in the radiance OF cleo
trc-iight and sniN the stufy breath
Of metrOpOIitanism we can go TO Man
chester. Pretty soon. as the retrogresslve
splrit Of municipal backwardness be-
comes more prevalent, my eye shall be
greeted with the sight OF tobacco grow
ng on Main street, cen as II did In
Colonial Jamestown In her prosperous
days. and the lowing OF herds VIII reach
our ears as we amble along the boule-
Yards Soon, soon. ! hope TO feel my
rrilby feet pressing down plank walk
NAY instead OF hard. brick pavement.
and soon, too. 1 hope 10 hear the whistle
q the partridge in the Capitol Square,
"A e.. tarffcne Solo of the bull frog in