The Topeka state journal. [volume] (Topeka, Kansas) 1892-1980, 1895-09-24
SOME BREAKS.
Things That BEiez.t Have Been Better Lefs
Bnsaid.


81 beg your pardon, madam, but you
are sitting on my hat. 2 exclaimed gen.
tleman. ''Oh, pray excuse me. thought
it was my husbands . was the unexpected
reply. In another instance Of conjuga1
amenities a wife said to her husband, ST
saw Mrs. Becker this morning, and she
complained that on the occasion of her last
visit you were so rude to her that she
Thought she must have offended you.''
ssNothing of the kind, = he answered. son
the contrary, like her very much, but it
was rather dark at the time, and when
entered the room at first I thought it was
you"
ssPoor John, he was kind and forbear-
ing husband, - sobbed Johns widow on
her return from the funeral. "Yes, said
q svmpathizinq neighbor, s'but it is all for
the best. You must try to console your
self, my dear, with the thought that your
husband is at peace at last"
A gentleman had accompanied a friend
home to dinner, and as they seated them
selves at the table the hostess remarked:
ST trust that you will make allowances,
Mr.. Blank1ey. Ny servant left me unex-
pectedly, and I was compelled to cook the
dinner myself ''Oh, certainly, my dear
madam, certainly responded the guest,
with great emphasis, 81 can put up with
anything"
Another amusing slip took the form of
an unhappy after dinner speech. There
was an entertainment given by an earl de-
servedly popular. 1t was extremely hand
some, and champagne flowed freely. The
evening was well advanced when a be-
nignant old gentleman rose to propose
toast. He spoke with huency, but some
how he said exactly the opposite to what
no meant 81 feel, =" said he, t'thab for a
plain country squire like myself to address
this learned company is indeed to cast
pearls before swine" Never was so sue
cessful speech made. He could get no
further for many minutes. The company
applauded vociferously and as though they
would never cease.
''Now, Miss Brown said an earnest
listener, won't you play something for
us2'' mo- thank you," said the Lady.
"I'd rather hear Mr.. Jones'" Earnest lis
tener, $50 would I, butt Here he was
stopped by the expression on the young
lady's face, and he looked confused for
half an hour after she had Indignantly
turned and left him. A person who was
recently called into court for the purpose
of proving the correctness Of a surgeons
bill was asked whether the doctor did not
make several visits after the patient was
out of danger. NO. replied the witness,
ST considered the patient in danger as
A physician walking with friend said
TO him: LET US avoid that pretty little
woman you see there on the left. She
knows ms and casts on me looks of indig-
nation. I attended her husband t'Ah,
I understand You had the misfortune to
dispatch him. was the remark that slip
ped out. ION the contrary" replied the
doctor, FI saved him!'' A guest at coun-
try inn exclaimed, ST say, landlord, your
food is worse than it was last year. - I'm
possible, sir, - was the rather ambiguous
reply of the landlord. why said a
counsel to a witness, "are you SO very pre-
else in your statement? Are you afraid of
telling an untrubh?" Witness promptly,
s'No, sir" At a recent inquiry into the
sanity of young man of large property,
witnesses were being called to prove that
he was unfit to manage his affairs. A
curious slip was made by schoolmaster
when asked if he had formed any opinion
as to the state of mind of the alleged luna
tic. sob, yes, - he replied. 81 can GER
tify he is an idiot. He was one of my IA
vorite pupils st have met this man"
said lawyer, with extreme severity, Gin
a great many places where I would be
ashamed to be seen myself" And then he
paused and looked with establishment at
the smiling court and jury.
Here are few other instances of some
thing very like putting ones foot in it.
The legislature Of western state having
bill under consideration fer the regula-
ton Of tax collectors, an honorable mem
Der got upon his feet and said: 'Mr. Speak
or, go in heavy for that bill. The tax
collectors are all a set of knaves. I was
one myself for ten years" The bill passed.
elbow are you getting on in your new
placer" asked lady of a girl whom she
had recon mended for situation. every
well, thanks" 81 am glad to hear of it, -
said the lady. "Your employer is a nice
person, and you cannot do too much for
her, 81 don't mean to, ma'am," was the
innocent reply.
Here is naive declaration from the
| prospectus of a weekly paper, 1.-THE staff,
! with the exception of the editor, has been
very carefully selected and deserves to Sc
cure success" a Californian newspaper
is said to have been sued for libel by a
widow for speaking of her deceased hus-
band as having 'fgone to a happier home. ="
| "Dear sir, - said an amateur farmer just
| from the country, writing to the secretary
! of an agricultural society, 'tput me down
on your list Of cattle for calf" A GER
| tain caravan orator at a fair after long
yarn descriptive Of what was to be seen in
side wound up by saying: Step in, gem
| tlemen, step inI Take my word for it,
| you will be highly delighted when you
come OUT ~AIlow me, madam, to con-
| graduate you on your acquaintance with
/ that charming lady, said gallant Hun
garian. ''She is young, beautiful and in
teIligent. - "Oh, certainly replied the
/ lady, ''but don't you think she is a trife
conceited?'' ''Why, madam, just put your
self in her place and, say, would you not
be conceited, too?'' was the rather startling
/ comment.
This social slip is even worse: A city
| man o0TTaTlaiT1ad bit%oPlxT of fbo conduct Of
his son. He related at length to an old
friend all the young mans escapades.
"You should speak to him with frmness
and recall him to his duty said the
friend. ''But he pays not the least atten-
| ton to what I say. He listens only to the