davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

The readers Of this paper will be pleased
TO learn that there Is at least one dreaded
disease that science has been able TO cure
in all its stages, and that is Catarrh Halls
Catarrh Cure Is the only positive cure
known TO the medical fraternity. Catarrh
being Q constitutional disease, requires q
constitutional treatment Halls CHtarrh
Cure is taken internally, acting dir sctly
upon the blood and mucous surfaces OF the
system, thereby destroying the foundation
of the disease, end giving the patient
strength by building up the constitution
and assisting nature in doing its work. The
proprietors have so much faith in its cura-
tive powers, that they offer One Hundred
Dollars for any case that it fails 10 cure.
Send for list OF testimonials.
Address, r. ]. CHENEY SEQ, Toledo, o.
t. Sold by Druggists, 75c.
HAu's Family Pulls &c.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

In fss sody Of an adult person there are
about IS pounds Of blood
The blood has IS its most important ele-
uerts, small round eorpuscles, red and white,
N proportion Of about 800 red to / white one.
II TIE number Of red corpuscles becomes
Diminished and the white ones increased the
hicss !. impure, thin, lacking in the nutrition
necess.-r 70 sustain the health and nerve
strength Of the body.
Thea That Tired Feeling, Nervousness,
ecrotula, Salt Rheum, or others Of the long
tain Of lis, according 70 the temperament
and disposition, attack the victim.
The ouly permanent remedy Is found in 9
reliable blood medicine Ike Hoods sarsapa-
rill.. which acts upon the red corpusclcs, en-
nchlng them and increasing their number.
II thus restores the vital fluid 70 healthy con-
dItion, expels al impUrity, cures Nervousness,
rAai Tired Feeling. Scrofula and all other
diseases arising from or promoted 6yloS state
Of the blood.
That these statements are true We prove
sot By our own statements, but by what
thousands Of pe,fectly reliable people say
about Hoods S~arssparIla Read the test
noniaI IN the next columR from q beloved
clergyman Then take
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
KNOWLEDGE

Brings comfort and improvement and
tends to personal enjoyment when
rightly used. The many, who live bet
ter than others and enjoy life more, with
less expenditure, by more promptly
adapting the worlds best products 10
the needs of physical being, will attest
the value to health of the pure liquid
laxative principles embraced in the
remedy, Syrup of Figs
Its excellence is due 10 its presenting
in the form most acceptable and pleas
ant to the taste, the refreshing and truly
beneficial properties of a perfect lax
alive; efectually cleansing the system,
dispelling colds, headaches and feyers
and permanently curing constipation;
II has given satisfaction tn millions and
met with the approval of the medical
profession, because il acts on the Hid
neys, Liver and ROwels without weak
ening them and il is perfectly free from
every Objectionable substance.
Syrup Of Figs is for sale by all drug
gists in SOC and 81 bottles, but il is man
ufactured by the California Fig Syrup
Co. only, whose name is printed on every
package, also the name, Syrup of tlgs
and being well informed, you viii not
accept any substitute if offered.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
GREAT JOKES THESE.
scsE JEsrs or THE PASSING
HOUR.
Some Rib Tickling Productions OF
the Humorist-The Queer Thing.
We Say and the Queer Tafng. We
DS-IirthfuI rancies.

Prof. Blank. although a yery d;rn,-
ned and county gentleman, has fus
OF absent mindedness amounting al
most 10 mental alteration. This fan
Ing has placed him In many enbsr-
RAISING positions II seemed TO the
professor and his family that The cll-
max had been reached one evening
when the professor, after filling the
both Tub for q bath. plunged In with
all his clothes on! But a deeper be-
cause public modification soon follow
ed this alarming mental lapse. The
professor sometimes speaks In public,
and a few days after the bah room
episode he was asked 10 be one Of
three or four speakers ar q public meet
ing. His brief address was received
with great applause, which oo the
professors surprise and chagrin, was
followed by broad grins, and ven IN
represSed tittering on the part OF
many in the audience. No soone was
the professor out OF the house after
the meeting than he turned TO his wife
and asked: My dear. what was the
occasion OF all that smiling and actual
giggling after the generous applause
that followed my address,
Don't you know" asked his wife.
a little sharply. II never felt 80 NOR
tiled in my life. Why don't you keep
your wits about you when yen are IN
public? II was dreadful
why, Helen, what did I dor
'fDo? You sat up there oa tia. plat
form before all that great audience
and applauded your wi speech! That's
what you didr'
what you didr'-Harper's Magazine
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
An Opportunity Not to se Lost.

do yoa turn me out INTO the storm
with my sick wife and little ones"
pleaded the haggard man. True, 1
owe you six months'rent, but In time 1
can pay al. for today" and his voice
rang in triumph. II secured a position
as gripman on the Broadway cable!"
The hard-hearted landlord motioned
the sheriff from the room, and seized
the hand OF the haggard man II will
can the back ent paidr' he cried; you
can live here forever free IL you do but
promise me not TO forget me III the ar
rogance OF your prosperity. Swear
that IL ever you { me waiting for q
car you viii zone { a full stop!
The haggard nan swore as he was
bid and the incident was closed True.
IL was but one chance out Of two hun
dred for the rich man. Bat Amos
Graball knew his business-Exchange.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
10 PATIENCE with burglars.

"H'mph!- ejsculated Fellaire form
eriy Rusty Rufus). cycling the way
worn pilgrim who had called al his
kitchen door. hungry are your"
"Yes'r," humbly answered the pTl-
grim 81 hain't had anything 10 eat
fur
"TnatT do interrupted Fellaire.
"If you'd had n enough TO wipe
of the egg that's sticking TO your
mouth I wouldn't know you'd had q
feed not ten minutes ago. and I'd give
you q good hand out and q couple OF
sinners. Now you get away from here
and don't you come back til you've
learned the business better. These
blamed amateurs added Fellaire
tossing a dime 81 him. make me
tiredr"-Chicago Tribune
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
An Honest Auctioneer.

Gentlemen, I can't lie about the
horse; he is blind in n eye" said the
auctioneer. The horse was soon knock
ed down to a citizen who had been
greatly struck by the a~uctioneer's hon
esty, and after paying for the horse,
he said:
You were honest enough to tell me
that this animal was blind IN one eye.
Is there any other defect?'
Yes, sir. there Is He is also blind
In the other eye" was the prompt re-
ply.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

A Man who Preferred Switzerland
in Winter to Matrimony.

A Man Who Preferred Switzerland
I'm winter to Matrimony.
A joyous party assembled recently
at a house In the Rue de yanveS The
representatives OF the fair sex were az
tired In bright array, and n Of them
was Respondent in q white dress, 4
veil, and the traditional orange bios
sons for she was about to be united
in the bonds nt wedlock to q jeweler
% years Of age, rho had come for
ward as 3 sutton for her hand a few
months ago. She had seen nineteen
summers, and was an assistant in a
shop, where her pretty face aid smart
manners had attracted the notice and
won the heart OF the bridegroom-elect.
Ii was 8 o'clock, and all the company
were gathered at her parents abode
save the jeweler, so, by way OF killing
the time, wine was brought out, and
tongues wagged fast until an hour had
gone by. when some one exclaimed
that they must start IL they would be
welded to-day. A council was held,
and a messenger was dispatched in hot
haste to the dwelling of the bride
ElOCLfNACN- WIN u RAtScsAe
10 come at once. Instead OF the jew
eler. however. he saw the concierge.
who informed him that her tenant had
taken his departure early in the morn
ing. leaving a note which he said
would be sure TO be called for. Tie
messenger hurried back with the letter.
which vas opened with trembling
hands by the father Of the young wo-
maj In the white dress and orange
blossoms. Then q doleful scene fol-
lowed In the missiye the jeweler an
nounced that after thinking the matter
wei over. he had IN 10 the conclu-
sion that he was not inclined for matri-
n.ony. and he added that when the
r.isSive was received he would be well
on his way 10 Switzerland, where he
meant to stay for some time.
AT first il was thought that this
might be a grim jest and hat the
jeweier would make his appearance,
with a laugh at the trick he had play
ed; but soon this sanguine theory had
to be abandoned Then there was
wailing. mingled with denunciations OF
the erratic jeweler. The bride went
OF into a fit OF violent Mysteries, and
had 10 be conducted 20 her room while
a doctor was sent FOR. her mother Civ
ms vent 10 CALCULATIONS or fury. As
for her father. he started OF forthw it'll
TO the Office of the nearest police CON-
missary. accompanied by the friends
who were TO act as witnesses of the
marriage. and into the Ears OF that
Official he poured a melancholy tale.
winding UP with a formal complaint
against the ieweler. Much 10 his dis
gust the police commissary informed
him OF his regret that he could take
no steps In the matter. and then. By
way OF consolation. the official diiated
on the sad life which the young woman
would have been certain 10 lead with
such A volatile husband. concluding
with the expression OF the opinion that
all that had occurred was rather 4 sub
ject for congratulaiion than otherwise.
The abandoned fiancee and her rela-
tiyes have not. however. yet been in
duced TO regard The matter In such q
philosophical lisht.-Paris Letter.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

= do mot think there Is any danseS.~
I said
sBut I know there is" answered
she. Then throwing down the robes
she stood up in the sleigh and added:
"Give me the reins- Get down there
out Of the wind and cover yourself
up"
At this moment a shudder PASSED
over Inc and I realized what truth
there might be in her words She d.
vined the reason for my silence and
said:
"You know 1 am right On. why viii
you not do as I askT
But YOU
"Never mind me I win be all right.
Besides, 1t viii only be for = little
while"
A second snudder, worse than the
first. reused me thoroughly TO my dan
ger, and protesting that IL WIS only
for a minute or two that ! would avail
myself OF the shelter OF the sleighbox,
1 croached down and allowed her TO
cover me.
7 was soon shaking like one in an
ague 1T. bot and cold By turns How
slow we seemed Z be going. Two or
three times I tried to rise and take the
reinS. but MAS quite unable. and my
companion assured me each time that
she was not cold. and was doing IA
mously-rne excitement kept her warm,
she said.
I did not believe her then, and I
know now that what she said was not
true-lat she suffered terribly. But
I did not know. until they told me two
weeks ~afterHgard at rhc hotel in Bren-
ton. that she tool OF her own wraps
to make nv covering heavier. for /
vas inSensible when they lifted me out
OF the sleigh
When three weeks later. weak from
fever, I employed my first conscious
moment In asking after my companion.
the nurse told me that she had driven
the horses into Brenton at a gallop.
Not knowing about the roads she had
naturally enough followed the straight
one. and for fourteen miles had driven
through the forest. with me lying IN
conscious at her feet
They carried me In and put me Ia
bed. while the lady fen before the fire
In q faint. cau>ed by WEAKNESS and
the reaction Of the nervous power.
Strange 70 = she was not really
much worse for her terrible ex-
perience, but I had walked up in a
fever md for three weeks had been
delirious.
where Is the Iady now I asked,
but added: "Of course she Is gone. /
should Ike TO have seen her
The urSe stepped sside without "
plying. I looked up for an explana-
ton. when my eyes rested upon the
face OF Kate Mcdonald.
"Katier' was all / could SAY.
"Aleckg' she replied, and took my
outstretched hand In hers.
Katie" I said. after a moment Of
happiness too deep for words, " Is IL
possible that you were my companion
and my sayiorF'
81 do not know about my being the
last. but I Ger aainiy was the first"
"And I did not know it."
"Bus I did" she said. with her merry
laugh. And what Is more, / knew
you after you first spoke 10 me"
/ looked AZ her hands. There was no
ring on the slim white fingers.
Katie" I said. "they tell me you
saved my life: but you had better have
let me lose II unless you viii promise
to share 10 with me-"
She did not speak, but the look In
her eyes was enough
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
UphoIdIng His Dignity.

This suit" said the rurarl justice,
sis fer breach In the premises. II ap-
pears to the court that he promised
the wfddder TO marry her, an then
run of with the postmisrressT"
Yes, sir" said the weeping widow,
that be did"
"Bailiff, collect so out o. the Wild
der for interruptin' the court Is the
postmistress ~presentT'
"No, sir, she's on her honeymoon"
"Git SO wuth OF stamps out o her
fer contempt All the lawyers pres
entz'
mo, sir-two absent"
"All right: SO apiece fer both Amt
you been drinkin' bailif?"
"Jest a dram, sir"
Five dollars an costs fer you.
The dignity o. this here court is got 70
be NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. Constitution.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
Hard Time. TheatrieaI..

Manufactured want some adver.
Using space on your drop-curtain for
tonight.
Theater Manager-Sorry, but every
square foot is taken.
Manufacturer-Too bad. However,
It will do as well IL you'll just change
Hamlet's TO be or o TO be- into TO
wash or not 20 wash" and have him
ring in something about my sOap.-Nev
York Weekly.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
Their Parting.

She wep: upon his shoulder. bat as
he had on his linen buster preparatory
to going away for a year, the damage
amounted 10 but little.
And shah l find you unchanged
when I return. dearest" he asked
II do not know" she sobbed.
He could feel his hat cracking under
the stress % the wave % doubt and
jealousy that swept through his brain.
He gasped and moLstened his parched
lips. but could frame net 4 word. She
continued:
II do not know, dear. I cannot tell
at this early day what color OF hair Wal
be in syte theR-"-Indianapolis Jour
nal
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
Rich Red Blood

"In view Of the benefit / aave had f,on
Hoods s~arsaparilla ! ~ish TO give the follow
ing testimonial. ! have several times h.,
badly
Poisoned With Creeping wv.
As the old school Of medicine simply tried 4,
remove the symptoms instead Of the sourc,
Of them, much Of the poison was left In m,
system TO appear In an itching humor On m,
body with every violent e~xer,ion In warn
zeather. At all times there were more or le.
indications Of poison in my blood, up to ,
year ago last winter, when
Large Sores Broke Out
on my body. / then purchased a bottle oi
Hoods s~arsaparilla, and after using that ana
a half Of another bottle, the sores and huno
disappeared. l attended the Christian Pr
deavor Convention In Montreal and slso
visited the Worlds Fair in the hottest weath4,
of the summer. Was on the 60 all the tin.
but
Had No Recurrence
OF the burning and itching sensation which
had marred every previous summers outing.
! have reason, therefore, TO be enthusiastic |,
nv praises Of Hoods SarsapadIIs." SAxun
S. scHNELL, pastor NJ Free Baptist Church
Apslschin, y. 7.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
Their bond of Sympathy.

'T asked for bread exclaimed the
mendicant, bitterly, land you give me
a stone"
The mar glanced apprehensiyely In
the direction Of the bride, who
was bending eagerly over the cook
stove.
Hush" he whispered. That isn't
a marker to what you'd have got IL
you had asked for custard pie
With a swift exchange u gances
they parted-PUe&-
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
Her mi

why shouted the imprisoned
Populist orator. why is it that the
wife Of the American farmer lacks the
happy contented look 10 be found on
the face OF the bareheaded peasant
woman of EuropeT
Because" said the man near the
door. because the bareheaded peasant
woman does not have TO worry all
the time about her hat being on
straight-"-Indianapolis Journal
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

Tommy ~BingO-Sister had her Young
man call TO see her last night, and 1
peeping through the k"yhole, look
ing at them, when M Came along and
stopped me.
Willie Slimson-what did she do?
Tommy BiDgo-She took a look
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

US ~ ~@N"
I have been feeding two heifers this
winter lone a grade Ayrshire, the
other q common blood on rye, peas,
and oats cut the last OF June while
the grain was in an immature state,
and four quarts Of carrots saoa night
and morning. They furnished three
quarts OF milk a day for customers
and made eight pounds Of butter per
week. They kept UP a steady low
OF milk through the cold weather and
have not fallen of In flesh. This crop
answers the purpose OF both hay and
grain and requires but half the sea-
sJn TO obtain II, leaving the land the
other half 20 grow another crop
r. H. Mack. Saratoga. Co, n. Y.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

Excuse a poor mar out Of work. l
want a few more coppers TO pay for
my nights lodging"
How much do you want?~
''Twopence balfpenny."
Here's the money; now dent ysu
beg any more"
Much obliged But you see, I must
go round TO the other gentlemen. else
they'll imagine I've grown proud. and
l wouldn't have that said OF me on any
account "-Eliegende Batter.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

Doctor Ito fair patient)-Put out your
tongue" Meantime he writes out a
prescription. There. that will do"
Miss Chatterbox-But. doctor, you
did not even look AT my tongue.
Doctor-So. / only wanted you to
Keep quiet while / wrote the prescrip-
tion.-Geillustreerd Stuiversblad.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
Naturally.

Mills-I don't see any harm In q
cigarette, do you
S~tranger-No. indeed; in fact. I ad-
yocate them very strongly.
Mills-Really. you surprise me. Are
you a physician?
Stranger-No: I'm an undertake..
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
History.

Sunday School Superinten1ent-Now
who wss 1t that was despoiled by his
brernren of his raimsnt and afterward
became the kings Tuost trusted ad-
wiser?
Johnny twhc reasn ibe pape-sHL
Hung Chang.@Judss
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
But His Head Was.

Doctor, / have an important physio-
logical question to ask you- When 1
stand on my head the blood rushes
into my head. Now. when ] stand on
my feet. why does 1t not rush into my
feetg"
Because You feet are not hollow
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
The Men for the Emergency.

The militia captain faced his men.
The rioters will take Us by surprise
tonight. IL they can" he said.
Il want men tonight for picket duty
who have been trained through dire
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

The mixture OF cotton and wool
IN the manufacture OF cloth has been
learned 50 thoroughly rh1t feeling
viii not detect the presence Of cotton.
A piece OF the goods boiled in 4 SOU
ton Of caustic potash Will leave only
the cotton fiber intact
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
Toe Late.

Train Robber-Do ron mean 20 tel
me that a man with a watch and chain
Ike that travels around with only
three dollars and twenty-three cents
In his pocket? Come, get out the rest!
PasscagC-Thas's right! I've been
In every Jackpot ssnce we left CHI
cag
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

II Depends ON the Weather.
Old Sport-Its always put up or
shut up" with them, isn't it?
Bggles-Whom? What?
Old Sport-UmbrellaS
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
dangers to be cautions alert and watch

dangers 70 be cautious alert and watch
full for their lives Have we xuchy'
Instantly n dozen sprang forward.
The commander raised his head
proudly.
Il SEE he said. Men who have
crossed Broadway daily. since the cable
started. Ii Ia well! You so on post at
8 d. m, remember.
But an hour hefore that time they
had their dress suits brushed and
pressed.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

Hegeman's Camphor Ice with Giyeerine.
Cures Capped Hands and Pace. TszasT OF S,rv FoeT.
CkiIh1Ains, Pile, &c c g. Clark Co. New Haven, O.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

"Eansor's Magic corn Salve."
Warranted 20 cure or money refunded Ask you
Druggist tor IT. Prise IS ceatA
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

Pfso's Cure for Consumption has No eapal
as a Cough Medicine.-F. 81. Abbott, S3
Seneca St. Buffalo. n. Y. Nay 8. 1884
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

He-So you've come 1t lastE
Shewhy, I'm early. It's only z,
and l only promised to be here al s.
Helm. but you've mistaken the
day. I've been waiting here since yes
terday.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

Mr.. Simpson, Sr.-Doan' 20 sass me,
niger,
Mr.. Simpson, Jr.-I amt er sassin'
you.
Mr.. Simpson, Sr.-Wal den, doan'
look Ell If yo' w~or!-Judge
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
xelf-DcniaI.

Slimy-wot yer goin' ter deny yer
self durin' Lent Willie?
wlliework. Wot yer?
Slimy-wearia' dI'Tonds an eatin' at
Del's-Judge.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

Muskegon means plenty OF FISH"
Fusiian was hrst made OF cotton about
the year 16il.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

Perdita-DoeS your brother often
play on the plan !?
Prisciila-No: bat he often works on
the piano and lays on my nerves
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
~ Bsby a. Cutting Teeth
ecnlmed

e rr. AID Ese that old and ~elLtied remedy, MES
wnSE0--s sooTHIss sTErP for CAaarsa TerthinE-
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28
Hoods ~SarsapariNa
A Modest yagrant.
ga. and Oats as Farm Feed.

The Blood Purifier and True Nerve Tonic.
Reporter and farmer. [volume] (Webster, Day County, Dakota [S.D.]) 188?-1946, 1895-03-28

Ny son icas GTiscSed
tih c1tarTh 1 induced
him TO try Ely's Cream
Balm and the disagree
able catarrhal smell al
ttt ki,n. he appears as
peA as any onE-J G.
OInsted, Arootd, IT,