Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1895-02-14
A NOVEL GUARANTEE.
A COMPANY THAT FURNISHES GER
TiFIcATES TO WOoERS.

riaseable Dauxhter-Rafher One Sided.
.s the Wife Is Not Bound-An Inter.
Eiewcr u Whom Something Was Known.
Seeing the sign over the door. I enter
a. IF you wish to confer with the
president, SIR" said the young man in
front, lyon will find him in his private
Office" and thanking him entered the
rear room, where a pleasant faced man
greeted me cordially.
Wont you be seated:" he said,
grasping mo By tho hand. lis your
busiuess-er-confide
mot at ALL" replied. Gas was
passing by thought would stop in
and inquire into the nature and scope
Of the Lovers Guarantee company.
which see advertised so extensively
Certainly" he responded II shall
be only too glad to inform you what we
arc here for. The Lovers Guarantee
company was formed for the purpose Of
securing good husbands to all maidens
fundamentally inclined, and the great
success we have met with thus far
proves that there is an excellent reason
for our existence. The average man Of
affairs has little time to look Up tho
character and antecedents of the young
fellow who applies for his daughters
hand. We look him up, and if he is sat-
isfactory he gives us q bond, which en-
titles him to certificate guaranteeing
him to be all that he claims This bond
n:ay be good for five or ten years A
mans financial status is of course easy
to determine, but it is into the finer at
tributes of character that we examine
particularly. Our certificate is an abso-
lutte guarantee of the man. OF course
we have to be particular, for should tho
wife ct any time insist upon a separa-
ticn end show cause under the contract
we would have to pay all her legal ex-
pcnses and furnish her q new husband
or make over to her certain payments. Z"
But suppose" said ], latter the
man is married off, there develops some
hidden trait, some idiosyncrasy that
causes unhappiness, but not separation,
what do you do them"
"Such cases., " replied the president
of the Lovers Guarantee company, "are
rare, but of course they do occur. In a
case like this we examine into the cause
Of the difficulty, and if the man be
wrong the fact that he is under bond
gives US power over him, and generally
we bring him to terms.
But" said l, suppose the woman
in the case is wrong?''
"This," explained the president, sis
extremely unfortunate. as we have no
means Of reaching her direct. having no
power over her. We can, however. ad-
wise the man what to do, generally with
most felicitous results As a rule, these
differences come from ignorance on both
sides. Where they are extreme and q
separation is advisable we have in our
employ the best lawyers, and divorces
are obtained in the most private way.
I'VE have in our employ one Of the
most eminent phrenologists in the coun-
try, who examines the heads of all ap.
plicants. Our head physician, who gave
up large practice to come with us, has
a growing staff Of assistants, and these
look carefully into the physical condi.
ton of the applicants. You may depend
upon it that when an applicant has sue.
cessfully run the gauntlet we lay out 70,
him he will make good husband. We
advise all young married people to have
homes of their own, no matter how
humble, and have a home bureau through
which q member can obtain advice OF
the most desirable way to live, the best
locations, a list of houses and apart
ments and the lowest rents. By thi:
means we are enabled to make an ar
| rangement with landlords SO that oul
patrons can obtain certain discounts ant
privileges. Were you thinking-ahem
of entering upon the new life?"
''Oh, no., replied modestly. 81 an
already married. and" added laugh
ingly, II don't suppose cases of this sor
come Under your jurisdiction.
III deed they do" replied the presi
dent Of the Lovers Guarantee company
"W' have lately formed a department
for ihe benefit of married people ant
fine it to be q great success. For small
SUI yearly, in advance, we furnish Ia
di . with advice as to the proper man
ar sment of husbands and direct then
Nv to act in special emergencies. Fol
stance, should q husband be called
May too frequently at night on bust
aess, imbibe too freely-I may say thi
is one of our greatest Obstacles OF
should he become ill natured or non
1 tractable, we tell her what to do"
us this department secret?"
mot at ALL" he responded 'Indeet
we invite publicity. Such is our repu
tation that the mere fact made know
to q man that his name is on our book
will have q tendency to bring him Il
his senses"
my dear SIR" said I warmly as
rose to go. ''you are accomplishing
great work, and l am glad called in t.
see you" Then, thanking him, I wa
about to depart when he stopped m
courteously.
Excuse me-" he said, but woul,
You mind giving me your name? I al
ways like to take down the names of al
our friends"
Certainly not, said L Il woul'
Just as soon as not, as it is just possibl
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