Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1895-10-23
re VIRGINIA FREE raEss-~-HE OLD FAMILY JOURNAL.
Siirainia 5ree gress.
Humorous.


found in the baby's bank.
Cave Gnome-Wbat's driving you ashore,
anyway? Sea Serpent (shudderiugly)-Ihe
mermaids are trying to wear bloomers.
NO" said young Spooner, q wasn't real
~ mad when her father drove me from the
house; but will admit that was put out. d"
Poet-One touch of nature makes the
whole world kin. Cynic-Wtl, | don't
wautit; I've got too many relations already.
NO" said the stage manager to the
woud-be super Il fear you will not do for
a mailed knight. Your face has not the
right stamp"
"You say it was runaway match 2
"Partly. He tried to run away, but she
brought him to time by threats of breach
of promise suit"
"say, Chimmie, come down-gOin' to
have a bully lot o fun" "w'at?" "We've
fed de goat six seidi'z powders and now
we're goin' to let m drink"
"What l want to know" said the early
oyster, "is whether am TO be in the swim
this season." "Nor this time, said the cook,
as he scooped him into pattle.
Mother-Did that young man apologize
for kissing YOU? Daughter Yes, mamma,
and he did it so nicely that l kissed him to
show how freely be was forgiven.
Touri,t-Everybody Iri-h here? Native
Yes; we used to have one Chinaman. -
Tourist What bpcame of him? Native
He moved 10 make it unanimous.
Customer lin dry goods store)-Will this
stuff wash? Clerk from B"stonl-No, mad
am. Customer-W Well, | don't want ii
Clerk-But it can be washed, madam.
"Are Authorizations proper" asked the
young woman. at depends" replied the
mother, con which you have reference 10 the
English language or a bicycle costume
"Ah - said the joyial lend of the man
with valise, "going for little rest, are
you ?" NO" was the reply, with hurried
glance at the time table, "Tm going away
on my vacation"
'Ihis morning the doctor ordered ME to
drink warm water an hour before every
meal. and here I've been drinking fox the
last forty minutes, but I'll be iiggered if /
can swallow another drop"
"Cdn write my name under the received
payment on this bll?" asked the collector,
who Ike to PIT things as deIicately as pos
sible. NO thank YOU" replied NJ Rloke
y I'm no autograph feud."
Well.-sinee | haye started using the
Broadway cable have had ms address and
ped gree tattooed on my chest. Hills-Why
not on your arms and legs? Wells-Oh! l
expect TO lose them one by one
T1ggist in Oklahoma Pardon me, sir,
but didn't ! ovtfiieat Joy saying something
about display of shooting star, tonight?
Alkalai Ike-Yep; We are goin to run an
~ ace Toms Cabin" company out of town.
That was very kind 0, your gnelo to pay
your d. bts." 'Humph! don't think So
He might have given me the money and let
me pay en-" @Whqt difference would that
have made ?" 1T would have re-established
my credit"
\ reporter, in describing the murder of a
man named jenkins, said "The murderer
was evidently in quest of money, but lucki
ly Mr.. jenkins had deposited all his funds
in the bank the day before, 20 that he lost
nothing but his life
What You going to take a wife after
beng for 80 years L9chelor Why didn't
you marry when you were Younger" Fad
der Abraham! only heert about it lat
week, mine frient" "Only heard about
what ," dot marrich vos failure {"
Watt'-Do 10y think it does any good to
belong TO 50 many lodges Eotis-Well,
when went over to Europe used to add
the initials of all of them to my name when
1 registered at hotel, and got all sorts of
Differences from the clerks and walters"
Can you Ill me, Professor" asked
,Grigsby, what an 'extempoge pianist Isl
see that the performances of such pianist
are advertised" Certainly" said the Pro
fes,or "Ex, out of; tempo, time an extern
pore pianist is one that plays out of time :"
As the World Goe, Hello, whore did
you get that box of cigars ." "Louders &
Phelps-ju~t paid six months account,
and the manager made me little present 4"
"Why, I've bought goods there for five years
and was never given even drink ooh !
YES, but you pay cash :"
"The new woman, q" said tie conservative
bosrder, is mostly talk 4I6en / am to
understand " said the Cheerful Idiot, that
she does not differ materially from the old
style of woman, ell ?" The bachelor board
er admitted the truth of the contention, but
the married boarder said nothing
One of the professors o. the University of
Texas vas engaged in explaining the Oar
Winian theory to his class, when lie observ.
ID they were not paying proper attention.
Gentlemen" said the professor when !
am endeayoring to explain to YOU the pecu
Ii ritips of the monkey ! wish You would
look right at me-"