The record-union., 1895-01-30
"ORNERIEST" MAN IN "CALINY."
Phil Blackthorn, Too Mean to XIII.
Too Lazy to Live

Phil Blackthorn, Too Mean to XIII.
Too Lazy to Live.
Phll Blackthorn was one of those mem-
bers of the social body whose place on
earth could never be found, for the
reason that there was not enough of him
TO fill anything. He was so utterly
worthless that he was unable to get upon
respectable drunk, for though he took Il
gallon Of whisky he was never in fight
ing or boisterous mood. but merely sat
still and cried softly.
Phil was one Of those fellows who are
too mean to be kicked; any decent fellow
who performed this office for him always
felt afterwards as if he had himself been
kicked.
The man had no spirit whatsoever. His
vile used to thrash him, and the darkies
even, would waIlop him on any sort Of
Matched up excuse. Small boys and dogs
tired OF teasing him because he would
not resent any sort of affront.
Hunting had no attraction for him; he
desplsed the sight OF fishing pole, while
mention of any kind Of work caased him
TO grow pale. Neighbors knew that he
visited their henroosts and invaded their
plgstleS, but were unable TO detect him in
these transgressions. Once Deacon Hal
stead set steel trap for him; the trap was
found sprung the following morning
and Phil went around for month after
ward with his left hand bound in rags,
but that might have been only a coinci-
dence.
PhiPs chest curved inward from lack of
proper respiration, while his thin legs
were bent outward. lie could ''chaw'
an Incredible amount of hacker" and
''outcuss," as he himself proudly boasted,
''any other teller in Paspertank."
In short, Phil was one of the most
worthless types Of that worthless class
known as ''po' whites" NagaOondaoe
was never punished in that portion OF
North Carolina in which he lived except
by universal reprObation, and to this he
was as indifferent as is duck to a splash
of water
One day Deacon Halstead, who is
well-to-do farmer and highly respected
member Of the middle class in the social
scale, took his rifle and went out to
look for deer. He was somewhat near
sighted, but he declared he was positive
that he heard deer moving in a clump
OF alder bushes in big pine grove over
by Phil BlackthOrn's. Then, as he al
legged, he saw what he was morally GER
ton was the head of fine doe peer
through the cluster Of leaves. whereupon
he fired.
Rushing forward he declared he was
utterly dumbfouuded al seeing Phil
stretched upon the ground roaring and
believing, and not sign of the deer any
where.
for, soon dug the bullet out of PhiI's calf,
which speedily healed. Then Phil to
the surprise of everybody, had the good
Deacon arrested on charge of malicious
mischief, alleging the act was done with
malice prepense and in discharge of an
ancient grudge.
Trial of the case came off before old
Squire Ben Twinkum, who had often
lamented that he had Phil for neigh bOr
Phil swore that he was in full view of
the Deacon, who regarded him with bale
tul and malicious eye from head to foot
before shooting; that ne piteOUsly be-
sought him not to fire, but that the Old
man declared he had long been waiting
Tor such desirable opportunity.
The good Deacon admitted the shooting
but insisted, as already stated, that it was
an accident pure and simple.
Then Phil introduced couple of wit
nesses to prove that the Deacon had once
! set a steel trap for him, and expressed re-
gret that the teeth had not caught him in
! the neck.
Squire Twinkum deliberated for some
moments after the evidence was all in be-
fore he rendered his decision, which was
| as follows:
''Iher' hain't one single laig fer the
prosecution ter stand on, fer it tain't pos
slbIe Ter any malice ter be showed twards
slch ornery cuss es Phil Blackthorn
The Deacon, howsomever, do merit the
seyerest punishment the Ior allows me
ter administer fer hayin' sich a good
chance M not takin' it. L theyerfore fine
Deacon Halstead 500 fer not killin' OF
Phi, m, what's more. he mus pay it
atore he leaves this heah coaht"
The Deacon did pay, and the people
Immediately declared the sentence right
ous.-Chicago Tribune