The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1895-11-30
OH TOP NOW.
How the Gilt Edge Girls Were Fayorec
by circumstance.

by Circumstances
Appendicitis Is Il very modern, very ex
pensiye and tremendously fashionable all
ment, and its social possibilities are Him
liable.
An ordinary citizen suddenly feels o
pain in his side, and he is told by his
friends he has dropped a stitch" or has
rheumatism or pleurisy, and he forthwith
goes to bed in a drcadfnlly bad temper and
sends for n doctor. The doctor comes in
n hurry, feels his pulse, squints at his
tongue, orders pills, mustard plasters and
a number of vile tasting and expensive
nostrums, tells him to keep his feut dry,
cuts off his cigars, whisky and other pleas
ures, collects SO and hustles off to see a
colicky baby.
II the patient be a man of means, with
a fashionable wife and ambitious daugh.
tiers, the wise physician approaches his
prey carefully and silently sits down SOL
emily by the bedside, feels the victims
pulse, ooksa at his gold watch, purses his
lips and says, Mimi" Ho rises with q
deep sigh, looks at tho startled wretch's
tongue, shakes lis head sadly and slowly,
stalks out of the bcdchamber with his
hands behind his back and his eyes on the
carpet, followed by the alarmed family.
The anxious wife looks at him appealing
ly and demands to know the worst.
'Madam," says the doctor firmly, you
must get a trained nurse at onoe."
''Certainly, DOCTOR" answers tho fright
encd woman, but tell me, doctor-I am
his wife-bc is their fathcr-what is it?"
"Madam,' the doctor responds trag-
ically-aye, Boothly-''Mr. Giltelgo has a
severe case of appendicitis"
What? You don't tell me it Isl
Appendicitis, madam. But we will
pull him through. l will call in DIR. Car
yer at once. Meantime secure Miss Ban.
dagc, the nurse who lives at that address"
handing hera card. she has a great deal
of experience in such cases. She is simply
invaluable. / will call again this evening
with DR.. Carver. Good morning." And
off he goes on his career of rapine.
The fashionable wife sits down in q
blissful state of grief, and calling her
daughters around her announces with
mingled pride and sorrow: Girls, DR..
Pilling says YOU poor, dear pa has appen-
dicitis. 1t is Il genuine case. There is to
be an operation. but we must bear our
trial bravcly."
The girls try to look sad and serious,
but the unholy joy of social triumph is
written in their faces. Appendicitis is the
trade mark Gf the phrase is permissible)
Of the genuinely aristocrat, an ailment
generated only in blue blood. Nobody ON
the street ever had it. Old Cotton-of the
MayflOWcr COttOns-Cluimcd to have had
it, but DIR. Pilling had limited that it was
merely ~sciatica. Tho young ladies order
ed out the carriage at once to carry the
painful intelligence to all their fashion
able foes, and Mrs. Giltedge gave orders
that she was at home to no one, instruct
ing her servants to allow nobody to know
that Mr.. Giltedge was dangerously i'll with
appendicitis. Giltedgc himself lies ahed
up stairs as amiablc as a Wall street bear
in u rising market using language.
In the evening a servant ma and car
riage go for Miss Bandngc, and Quillby,
who does the ''social swim business for
The Gazette, receives an anonymous nose
announcing hat Giltedgc has appendicitis.
When DR.. Carver arrives with DIR. Pill
ing all the street is agog, and the fashion
able surgeon confirms the diagnosis of his
confederate and tells Giltedge blandly
that at 10 O'Clock next morning he will
operate on him. After Instructions to
Miss Bandage, who is impressive in cap
and apron, the worthy leeches depart.
Giltcdge, being merely a man who hates
society" does not enjoy the distinction
he is comforting on his family. He stig-
matizos Carver as a butcher and Pilling
as Il quack and behaves in a shocking.y
common and vulgar way about the whole
thing. .t'
In tho morning tiiltedge is duly ether
lied, chloroformed or laughing gased
Carver, dressed in white like a sacriliciai
priest, fondles his ribs lovingly, knife in
hand. Pilling looks on, wisely laden with
sponges. An assistant holds a miniature
birdcage over the victims nose and mouth
to dam profanity, while Miss Bandage
floats around like Il white vision, doing
general utility business. The drama be-
gins. Carver, with Il knife, opens up Gilt
edge, using a lot of long words for the
small things he cuts off, and finally hoists
a wrotchcd little bag out of Giltedge's
anatomy, which he calls the vcrmiform
appendix. Some vermiforms and so forth
have nothing in them. Others have peas,
chestnuts, baseballs, duck shot, coffee ker-
nels, cherry stones and other tri1cs in
them. One man developed II pearl in his
-he had a passion for clams-and Mrs.
Giltedge hopes that her husband will cut
up a diamond or at least Il moonstone.
The surgeon opens the bag with the air of
"A man opening IA jack pot. Giltcdge has
come out of his opium joint and is being
plastered up.
"What's in the blamed thing, Carver"
he asks in a feeble voice. "A poker chip
or a brass button?''
at looks like the top of n collar button
or a grape seed, the surgeon says blandly.
Call it a collar button, Carver Gilt
edge cxclaims eagerly. 1.-The old lady is
kicking everlastingly about my eating
grapes whole, and if it's a grape seed III
never hear the end cf it. Make it a collar
button and put it in your bill"
And it was duly pronounced to be q
small pearl, eaten with oysters, and great
was the glory thereof.
The Giltedge girls hold their heads in the
air as they pass the Bullions, for appcn
dicitis has fixed forever the status of the
family, and yet it only costs a mere 81 OCT
and "A little abattoir practice on a Wall
street bcar.-Lifc.
- - --
A Popularity of Eggs.