The Hawaiian star. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu]) 1893-1912, 1895-01-08
CHANGING HIS MIND.
Mr.. Quaggics Comes Back From the Edge Of
the Grave.


Mr.. Quaggles declared he felt extremely
i'll. He didn't know what was the matter
with him, but he graphically said that he
was at death door and could hear the han.
die being turned the other side to give him
admittance. Mr.. Quaggles wouldn't see
doctor He had Il peculiar aversion to doc
tors, especially to their bills. Some people
were unkind enough to say that Mr.. Quag.
giles put on" his illness.
One day Mrs. Quaggles found little
pamphlet which had been thrust under the
front door that had been issued by firm
Of patent medicine venders, wherein the
symptoms of various ailments were mi
nutely described After perusing it she took
it to her husband and said:
Thomas, you can find out what Is the
matter with you by reading this little
book"
Reading thatr' exclaimed Mr.. Quag
giles contemptuously. "Why, my symp
toms wouldn't 20 in n few pages like that
1t would take three volumes to describe
'em. However" he added, you can read
some symptoms to me. JeInima. | don't
feel equal to doing it myself, and he leaned
back in his armchair, signing heavily. MY
gracious, do feel badr' he moaned.
So Mrs. Quaggles began.
"'Pain in back and under shoulder blades;
frequent headaches. principally over eyes )"
That's mel" groaned Mr.. Qusggles.
"Yes, that's you, Thomas" assented Mrs.
Quaggles and went on, depressed and
languid feeling; burning of the palms OF
the hands and soles of the feet"
Me again. You could cook steak on
mine" declared Mr.. Quaggles.
"'Aversion to physical exercise That's
you, Thomas" declared his wife. You're
frightfully lazy"
mo, no, Jemima; that's not me-" dissent
ed the invalid Pm not a bit lazy, only
my poor, feeble body won't let me take any
exercise. Coon Jemima. Your voice puts
me in mind of the Dead March In Saul"
"'Unpleasant dreams,' continued Mrs
Quaggles
'Ratherl Why, have such awful dreams
that believe they lift some Of the hair off
my head every night. That's why I'm get
ting so bald" he said mournfully. "Oh,
dearl Oh! dearl" And Mr.. Quaggles sud.
denly started out of his chair and grasped
the top of his head.
"Whatever's the matter, Thomast' asked
his wife alarmedly.
why, had a pain shoot right up from
my big toe to the top of my head"
claimed Mrs Quaggles. You're over six
feet, you know, Thomasl'
"Yes, and it amt finished yet. 1t keeps
coiling round and round my head" groan-
ed Mr.. Quaggles. Doesn't it give that
symptom, Jemimaf"
mo. can't find anything about the sea
serpent" giggled Mrs. Quaggles, That's
what you must have inside YOU"
"Jemima," said her husband reproach-
fully, lis this time for heartless levity,
when here am with one foot in the grave
and the other one slipping down the side OF
it1 What do all these terrible symptoms
point tor Is my heart going to drop to
pieces, are my lungs going to burst, or
WHAT"
Liver, Thomasl It's your liver that's
wrong, so far as | can make out"
"Ah, l thought sol That's why l can't
eat. There's no room for food in me. The
space is all occupied by my liver. 1t has,
so to say, taken the whole house instead OF
living in one apartment, AS it ought to do
tell you, Jemima, I've got enough liver to
go with side of bacon, and then there
would be some left to eat cold alone. I'm
doomed, dear. III make my will at once
though 1t is but little have to leave. You
had better 90 round to the undertaken and
get an estimate for funeral-a plain one
| you know-and"-
There was a tap at the door, and the serv.
ant entered with letter for her master.
Mr.. Quaggles took it languidly, but had
only read few words when he jumped up
and began to execute a war dance.
whats the matter, Thomass Is it that
long pain againi" anxiously inquired Mrs.
Quaggles.
mo, mol What do you think' Poor old
Uncle James isdead and has left me f5, COOP
You don't mean to say sof How good
Of him to die-I mean to leave you a5, 600
But, Thomas, what a pity it has arrived too
latei"
ARRIVED too latel What do you mean,
Jemimai"
why, amt you just going to die, Thorn
asS"
II don't know that am. can change
my mind II like, can't "" asked Mr.. Quag
giles somewhat Indignantly.
But how can you possible live with that
awful liver Of yours2" persisted his wife.
Liver be hanged" exclaimed Mr.. Quag
giles. "If f5, 900 won't cure it, it isn't WORTHY
to be called a liver. l tell you, Jemima
I'm-95, ,0OO-goinR to-fancy, 95,0O0-gei
well right away Whoopl Five thousand
poundsl''
And strange to say-or perhaps not strange
to say-Mr. Quaggles recovered with mar
velous rapidity. He is now one of the health
lest and happiest men in the United King
dom. Even that long pain" has gone-
Tit-Bits
Reminded Of His Youthful Days.
u \