The Washington times., 1895-03-23

sure to be chilly and disCouraging. 1t is
precisely at this moment that the Squarer
begins to get in his really fine work in be-
half of his unfortunate friend.
On entering the house he places the OBJ
ject of his soicitude in vertical position
in an obscure corner of the hall, and then
proceeds TO shake hands with every mem
ber Of the family in turn, evincing at the
same time the utmost cordiality and utterly
ignoring the cold looks of suspicion which
Will tie directed toward him. The mother
in-law, it is true, VIII pressfofw ard eagerly
to return his Ealutation. but that Will De
because she hopes TO catch the odor of
cocktail on his breath. Failing. in this, she
viii resume her customary attitude of
frigid reserve Sometimes she VIII go so
far as To send the children upstairs. when
the Squarer, whose heart is yearning for
a little human tenderness and sympathy,
gathers them about his knee and tells them
delightful fairy stories. in which difficult
art he is absolutely WITHOUT master.
He eXcels also in the kindred art of giving
q connected, coherent, and plausible ac-
count of the remarkable chain Of eircum-
stances which brought his friend TO his
rooms and finally resulted in their Joint
appearance in the Brooklyn Tor Harlem)
home at such very early hour in the day.
II is while the Squarer is telling his story
in tones OF great earnestuess and sincerity
to an audience of the sort described in the
dramatic departments Of newspapers as
"coldly critical" that his client first
ventures into the parlor. No attention
whatever is paid to him when he offers
to substantiate every detail OF the narra-
! tive, and even the Sqnarer looks at him in
a way that means you'd better stay in
the han where / put you until you're
sent for I've got all l can do to make
them swallow this story we cooked up
without having You come in and queer me
right in The middle of it,
As matter OF fact, the clients word
carries no more weight with the domestic
! jury convened in that parlor than that of
a convicted murderer at the bar OF justice.
4 great many accomplishments and rare
personal qualities enter into the compost
tion Of the successful Squarer, and none
OF these is OF greater importance than his
ability to compel the family to believe at
least half of the Eaight forward, an
vanished, and highly interesting account
of his friends adventures, which he tells
in such q pleasant and confidential man
ner. Indeed, it may be truthfully said
that that story is the very keystone of the
arch on which the future peace and happi-
ness OF the Convivial client must rest. At
the close of his narrative signs of a slight
thaw are usually visible in the home circle,
and the Squarer is likely to be asked to
stay TO dinner.
This invitation he accepts with becom-
ing humility and gratitude, sometimes
throwm out the remark about lone
liness of bachelors life and his great
fondness for simple home cooking. 1t is
! absolutely essential to the success of the
Squarer's undertaking that he should re-
main to dinner, If for nothing more than to
do the carving. His client will. it Is true,
make one or two Intellectual efforts in that
direction, but the other will quickly take
| the knife and fork out Of his hands with
! a here, old man, you'd better let me
| attend to that" and then viii follow an
| exhibition OF expert meat slicing which
Will go a long way toward restoring the
| client TO his rightful status in the house
/ hold
This is the critical point of the Squarer's
| progress, for if he fails here all his pre-
vious good work will be undone. He
must carve in such a way as to give
every one an apparent abundance and yet
/ leave enough of the fowl or joint TO make
! glad the heart of the housewife as she
! calculates the number of breakfasts and
| luhcheons that still remain on the dish
| Let him spill a single drop OF gravy on the
| tablecloth and his unfortunate client will
| have all he can do to square his friend.
| 1t is customary in well regulated families
| TO have pair of ducks for dinner on such
| occasions as this, and an accomplished
/ Squarer will display a degree of skill
| which can be likened only to that of sur
| geon in the operating theater, cutting away
| delicate slices of the meat and leaving the
| bone as Clean and white as piece of
| celluloid.
Unless the disgraced member of the house
| hold contrives to make some unfortunate
''break'' during the meal, the end of the
! dinner will find everybody in much hap
| pier frame of mind than before, and unless
| the Squarer happens to possess musical
| accomplishments of some sort he will take
| a speedy departure. His client will prob
| ably weep over him and beg him TO prolong
| his visit till the next day, but he will
| finally resist his opportunities and depart,
| after having shaken hands all round with
much cordiality and lively expressions of
| gratitude for the hospitality which has
| been extended to him.