Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1895-08-07

Sirginia free gress.
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Haverly- Who is that pale, nervous alex
ly locking man? Ausien-Don't you know
him? That is DR.. n. D. Jestain, the great
dyspepsia specialist.
Mr. S~otleigh-Ohl Miss We're, your re
splendent beauty sets my brain on ire
Miss C. Vere-Well, never mind, it won't
be much of a couhagrstiOn.
Pa,ient-The heat is so oppressive doctor,
feel like committing suicide. Doctor
OH that would never do. As said before,
my friend you need a change.
Father-What do you mean, sir, by hug
ging my daughter? Jack Ford-I was
merely obeying the Biblical injunction to
'hold fast to that which is good"
Requlescat in Pace.-Over the grave OF
the Canuibal King they inscribed with tren
chant pen this epitaph "Write me down
as one who loved his fellow-men."
Shaving" said the Popuiist boarder, sis
merely Il habit" so is a beard" remarked
the Cheerful IDIOT. Just look how it
grows on a man as be gets older"
by jove, Bronson, excuse my saying So
but this is the rankest cigar l ever smoked.
Where did you get it?' "You gave it to
me last night. l was afraid Off myself"
Frau Mockel-Why do you always play
the piano when your husband is buy writ
ing? "There's no help forit HE'S at work
on a tragedy and l have to make him saw
age"
Elderly Gentleman-Thi Isl remarkably
good photo ofmy sonl Very like him indeed !
Has he paid for ityet? Photographer-No,
sir. Elderly Gentleman-Ah, very like
him, indeed.
"Do you think, young man, that you can
give my daughter al she asks for ?" ques-
TONED papa, grimly. "I-aw-thiuk, so sir"
murmured the lover, bashfully. "She says
she wants only me-"
George tnervously)-I would like the best
in the world, Kitty, to marry you, but |
lon't know how TO propose. Kitty prompt
" and practically That's all right, George.
You've finished with me now so to papa.
Butterfly watch is one of the cheapest
makes, but it hasn't varied a second in the
last three months. Di'zer-It seems almost
incredible. Oh, | don't know about
that. You see it's been stopped sll that
time.
Stern Father-Do you realize, young
man, that up TO the present time it has cost
at least $4,000 to bring up and educate
that girl. Fond Lover-Yes sir; and from
my point of view | should say, sir, that she
is fully worth it.
She just returned from a lecture on the
French Revolution What horrible men
they were 1t only shows how the thirst
tor blood grows until it becomes a passion.
Thank heaven, such men do not exist in
these days. He-I don't know about that
Look at our cable car gripmen.
Your husband has been ill.," said the
caller. YES" replied the little, worried
looking woman; che has been feeling very
badly. | do my bet TO please him, but
nothing seems TO satisfy him" as his con-
dition critical" dts worse than critical"
she answered with a sigh, cts just abusive"
"You look as if you needed a hair cat"
said the elephant, nosing about the lions
cage. Before you 60 around m-l.ag re.
marks about other peoples appearance you'd
better trim down your ears" retorted the
lion, shaking his name; you show your
worries too much when you talk, anyway"
Fruit Season And now, Edward"-
"No you don't. Maria" you didn't hear
what | WAS Goin' to- NO; and didn't
need TO- You were going to say YOU ought
to have two dozen more quart jars and Il
whole lot of piuts. | guess | know, after
buying fruit jars steady for the last twenty
years"
Came Too Lste.-"It's a great pity, " said
the convicted burglar to his lawyer. that
you couldd't have made that closing speech
of yours at the opening Of the case" Il
don't see that il would make any difference. "
1T would, though. Then the jury would
have been asleep when the evidence came
in and I'd have stood some show"
MoiestY is not the predominating trait
in a well-known young writer, nee Philadel-
phian, at present in New York. A while
ago he visited the West for literary purposes
A co laborer with him on a city periodical
was told that theyouth had started for Texas.
Its well that its one OF the larger States, "
was the dry comment, 'ifit had been 2 small
one it wouldn't hold his head"
The Human Sunbeam.