The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1895-04-03
WIT AND HUMOR.

teSton NeicS.
"What does the new woman wantP"
~She doesn't know, but she is going to
get it.-Judge.
Does Blykins understand horse
racesP" "He must. l never see him at
the track. ~ Washington Star.
Mr.. Brown-I've got cold or some-
thing in my head. Mrs. BrOwp-It
must be cold, dear, I'm sure.-Judge.
Polly-Jones retires from office
poor man. Tix-He must have been
very closely watched. - Detroit Free
Press.
Baron-My former coachman was
drunk every other day. Are you So
berP Coachman - o, very often
FIiegeRde BLdtter.
Figg-Suffrage is the shield that pro-
tects the American people. Fogg-
Yes; but shield with too many bosses.
Boston Transcript.
1t is almost as easy to believe one
when he speaks in derogatiou of others
as when he speaks in praise of our
selves.-BoSto1l Transcript.
A Friend-If you love her, old fel-
low, why don't you marry her? Bache-
lor Doctor-Marry herP Why, she is
one OF my best patients.-LJe.
Mrs. Murphy (from her bedroom)-
An what be yez setting up all night
fur, MikeP Murphy-So OF kin wake
mesilf at 4 O'Clock, ye stoopid!
'If anybody iver catches me stroik-
in'," said Mr.. Dolan, "twill be whin
Dim out av emplymin an hov nothin'
betther to do Washington Star.
"De man dat's constantly slingin' mud
at his neighbors," said Uncle Eben,
'doan' nebbah put no ashes on his slip
perry sidewalk. - Washington Star,
Cleverton-Say, did you ever hear OF
81 bill? Dashaway-Certainly.
had one presented to me the last time
you invited me to lunch.-N Y World.
What a great scheme it would be for
the stage dancer of the day if she could.
like Mercury, have wings on her heels
to make 'em fly higher.-N Y. Re
cordsr.
Maud-How do you define love-?
Marie-Love is the life of illusions.
Maud-And what is marriage? Marie
oh, marriage is the death of them
Fogae.
Il wonder why he married her?" AS
bargain. suppose, on account of her
age" Her age?" Yes; it is 28,
marked down from 7."-Indianapolis
Journal
For a concern which is neither no.
tel nor a lodging house the United
States Mint supplies a good many peo-
pie with comfortable quarters. .-BnJ-
fdto Courier.
One of the lessons of life which many
people never learn is that it is not nee
essary to make as ass of oneself merely
because one has magnificent opportu-
nity.-PWck.
How could you conscientiously tell
Miss Elder that she is the only woman
YOU ever loved?" 1T is a fact. Com
pared to her the others were mere girls. :"
Boston Budget.
Wait till women go to Congress, :"
she cried, as she warmed up to her
lecture. 30, l can't" said man in the
back row. "rm not an immortal. y
Hdrper'S Bazaar.
Did he fall on his knees when he
proposed to youP" NO. That hap
pened when he reached the sidewalk.
| think papa had something to do with
indianapolis Journal.
Bolker (meditatively) My experience
has taught me one curious thing. Blobbs
Has, eh? What is it? Bolker-That
the closer a man is the harder it is to
touch him.-Ba.fal0 Courier.
Duffy-That's pretty bright dog Of
yours, Jawkins. Jawkins-Why, yes;
believe that if he only knew how to
talk he'd be smart enough to keep his
mouth shut!-Harper'S Bazaar.
$50 Rusher has got job at last, ehP
wonder if it is that one with the Sleep
ing car company?" Il guess not AT
least he told me he'd struck a comfort
able erth."-BufaLo Courier.
Jack" said mamma, "run into the
parlor and see whether your father is
asleep or not" Not quite, exclaimed
Jack, on his return. "He is all asleep
but his nose. ."-Hdrlen1 Life.
"Hit sut' ny am s'prizin'," said Uncle
Eben. "ter see how much mo- some OF
my neighbors knows bout running de
gov'ment dan dey does bout runnin
dab fahms. - Washington Star.
"How did Apsley get such reputa'
ton for truth telling? He's the biggest
liar on earth" Easy enough. Tells
every young woman he sees how good
looking she is.-N Y Recorder.
Theolo-Don't you think there will
be any punishment hereafter for mar
who commits bigamy? Diablo = o.
course l do. Both his wives will be
there at the same time.-Brooklyn1 Life
Telephone Girl want to look al
some black kid gloves. Saleslady-
What number, please? Telephone Cir
(surprised)-Why,h how did you know
that 1 worked there?-So SonaerUilIe Jour.
nal
Interrogo-Does your wife believe il
striking the word male from the eonsti
tutionP Findesiecle-Great Scott, no
She has added it TO hers. She smokes
rides bicycle and plays poker.-M 7
World
Misunderstanding they say is lot
terry. Ethel - That's what Carri,
thought, 1 guess, when she came tt
look over her wedding presents. Posi-
lively the entire collection wasn't wortl
$50!"-BOSton Transcript.
Woman, said the sentimental board
er who is unmarried, of course, "wo
man is the sweetest fruit of civilization.
Yes" assented the Cheerful Idiot, ssh
does make a great jam at the bargain
counter. p Cincinnati Tribune.
Jones, why don't you go to worl
and earn a living?" MY dear Smith
what's the use? l tried it once for
very little while, and no sooner did
earn dollar than I had to spend it. S
gave it up.-N Y. Recorder.
Customer (timidly)-I-er-suppos
you have some-er-suitable books 70
a man about to-er-be married9 Heal
Clerk (promptly)-Yes, sir; here, Skig
giles, show this gentleman your line
Iarge-sized Observation-Disclosures Co~r
Ter.
What are you doing for a livinl
now, Uncle Jim?" We'll, sub, dat
what call mighty close question
you're a-gittin' right to my home now
but dey amt none er yo feathers il
my yard, Marse John!"-AtlantG Con
StttUtion.