The representative. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1893-1901, 1895-03-13
BEDLAM LIE LOOSE.
How to Thin, 1o&, Party and How
to Make Threat.

HOW 10 Anlnl Our, a carty ana HOW
to Yaka itGreat.
- CANNON FAI4s, Mimi, March 4.
How would y, at ds : form a party on
the Proportional Representation plan?
Let every map, max his own platform
and carry it out to- te best Of his abil-
ity; every voter Gm then say, am
represented in TIL government, or
party; my leader is ny servant; if l do
wrong l will know more next time;
civilization will tlHn be a matter OF
evolution not revolution.
U. TANNER.
Then we should have indeed "a
poll-parrot and monkey time" The
face of the world would be covered
with hair and feathers; and the guf-
flaws of the delighted oppressors of
mankind would shake the stars out of
their orbits.
Brother Tanner Eould have party
on proportional Representations"
Brother Buell. on, on "Single-tax;"
Sister Nelson one On Female Suffrage;
Brother Hillabaloo another on Prohi-
bition; Brother heophilus Blifkins
would have one To enforce the doc
trine that all the sloe-lasts and tooth
picks should be owned by the nation;
Anacharsis Kloot; another to demon
strate that the bet form of govern
ment is no government at all; and,
rather than be left alone, we ourself,
will organize another party on the
theory of the Baco1ian origin of the
Shakespeare plays! And then we will
all 60 to voting AGAINST each other,
like pack of enthusiastic lunatics;
while the sagaciu1s and sensible
knaves combine al the ballot box to
plumber us of the little we have left.
For the Lords sake be reasonable,
brethren. Don't bite off more than
you can chew" And don't mistake
details of legislation for the princi-
pies of great parry.
Imagine a Fool making a speech to
thousand men who had assembled
to obtain redress Of their grievances.
They are all agreed on the Omaha
platform, but our Fool begins:
"Fellow citizens,-It is necessary
that those who act together should
think alike-there must be harmony
in everything. Now our first plank is
Proportional Representation"
At this there lisa hubbub. Cries are
heard on all sides. ),
y eve don't know nything about it"
1T may be all right and it may be all
wrong" "Dry upi' "Down with
it," etc. 81
rNow says the Fool. ''Let all those
who do not want Proportional Repre-
sentation step into the northeast cor
ner of the room."'dq About one third go
over. ali s.
"Our second planktS'' says the Fool,
lis Single Tax" vi )
At this there is a ferocious uproar
Bedlam is let loose.
LET all who will not accept Single
Tax 20 into the southeast corner OF
the ROOM" ,....-.
There is rush and only about $50 OF
the original 1000 remain In place.
Now" says the Fool, 1--WE are get
ting things down to hard-pan. The
third plank is female suffrage.
Another uproar.
""All opposed to Female Suffrage will
go into the southeast corner Of the
ROOM"
About 100 more move over.
Now" says the Fool, I'VE are pro-
crossing splendidly; we shall soon have
a united party. The next plank is gov.
eminent sale Of intoxicating liquor.
Bedlam again!
"All opposed to that plank will get
into the southeast corner of the
roem."
Another hundred move over.
"Really," says the Fool, 1--WE are
eliminating the ignorant and stupid
very rapidly. Our next plank is gov
eminent ownership of all the shoe
lasts and tooth picks"
Another uproar-long continued.
"There is plenty of room in the body
of the hall now" says the Fool; ''anG
so let all opposed to that plank take
the back benches.
About one-half took the back
benches.
The party was now reduced to 2!
members.
1--WE are making Roadway RAPIDLY,
says the Fool "Our next plank is thu
perfection of government by the abol
ition of government, commonly calico
anarchism."
Here free fight ensued among the
twenty-five; the blood flowed from
flattened noses, eyes were BACKED ant
crowns were cracked, and the howl
were terrific. At the end Of the see
ance twenty of the party lay PROSTATE
on the floor; and five tattered and be
grimed individuals waltzed over them
"Well," says the Fool. 1--WE are goin,
to have unity after all. 1.-THE mex,
and last plank is the Baconian theory
Of"
The rest of the sentence wa
drowned in the tumult, as four Of tn,
five ran off in terror, while the wound
Gu CTdWlcu away SWcdIlilS, Ill every I'll
rection. But the sole survivor re
manned. bearing aloft a banner, wit!
tie words: Omaha Platform-Pro
porticna, entation-Single Ia,
Female Suffrage-Governmcnt liquo
shops-National shoe lasts-Anarch
ism and the Baconian theory" H,
waved the flag and shouted, 1.-THE PEG