Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-05-19
HE'S IN FAVOR OF IT.
The "Idlef" Comments on Matrimony
and Endorses Il Heartily.
plscoRp ABOUT MS OLD CLOTHES.
Men who Have Read Their obitu-
aries and Are Yet Liying-The Fell
low who Saw Ills own Colin and
was Not Disturbed.

After a long, useful. and honored ca
reer OF matrimonial beatltude and hem
peckedism, i feel that ! can offer COM
fort to thousands Of engaged couples by
assuring them that endorse marriage.
There are difficulties aboat II, OF course,
and before the arrangement between
the contracting parties is ended. there q
ample chance to I've or love everything
material having been exhaus'ed), but, al
the same, the scheme Is worth trying, or,
rather. It ia worth getting some other
fellow to try. Now, Cor instance. man
feels powerfully good, ard quite enor-
nous when he hears a woman promising
TO obey him and serve him, love, honor,
and keep him, In sickness and in health,
and forsaking all others. 60 keen only
unto him so long as they both shall live"
Yes, he feels good when that obedience
clause smites the drum OK his ear~nay,
he feels something more than good. He
feels that he would like to be n. rooster
so he could flap his wings and crow.
But IL isn't long before he has his hack
feathers up and begins 10 realize what
a liberal construction Is placed upon that
aforesaid Obedience-clause. which former
~ sounded so musical to his auditory
organs.
It isn't long before lie experiences the
deep, inexpresslble humiliation and. OH
Il is awfully humillating) OF trundllng o
small, four-wheeled vehicle, containing
living. bped freight, past bevy Of his
old chums, who chuckle significantly and
unsympathetlcally as he rolls the OH
chariot along" Voices Of the past come
rushing through the ears Of his magma
ton. and he recalls that quaint saying
Everything goes except the bahy-ca
riaee-that has To be pushed" Then he
pictures the future, and in the years BE-
fore him ne sees naught but visions OF
that same vehicle. ever, ever filing, and
ever. ever having 10 be pushed. His
head nllcth. indeed. with whecls-not
with alcoholic wheels, but with baby
carriage wheels-and he heavos sigh.
not at the crowd. at whom he would Ike
10 heave a brick, but az himself But
when he goes home. puts his slppered feet
on the mantc swallows bucketful OF
t0bacco-smoke, captures the only rock
lng-chair I'm the room. and proceeds 10
get comfortable 0he human fgeight above
alluded to having been paregoricked to
sleep. he begins 20 get charitable. Then
the little figure that nlts around the room
with perhaps a strand or so OF silver
hair I'm her head assumes a softer hue
and By aid OF several more bucketfuls
Of tObaccO-smoke. he suddenly sees her
ms she was on summer twiishts long ago.
Then his heart witches with a pang OF
repentance. The memory OF soft-cheek
comes rushing 20 his mind with ali the
tsru NTH and a NFrull shine
kissing the lingering. muddy snow-drifiH,
and he feels that be has been unkind.
Yes. he will be more generous, He goes
| out and does-what? Why he buys him
self box OF cigars. Marriage Is not :
failure for the man.
In all the years OF sweet home M,
| that have enjoyed no conflicts or argu-
ments between myself and the sharer
| OF my nothing have ever occurred-save
! on one subject That Is. my old clothes.
! over these | claim 20 exercise original
/ Jurisdiction. In everything else ] ncknOw-
| ledge her as the Supreme Court. from
| whose decision there Is no appeal. J Ike
| tO keep Old clothes for somehow / Away
! feel that I can wear them just one moro
| time without disgaeing my family
| escutche0n. She has an Irresistible desire
TO sell them.
| Sometimes. when I drop In and ray
| Dear, where are those brown pants
wore on the day OF Grants Inaugural
| tion2" or where IS that coat / had on
| when General Lee died? 1 can see hel
| getting excited and tremulOus. Then
| feel Indignation yelling in my bosom
| alias chest | know what's coming.
| know she's going TO say she sold then
! To the coOk-mot for the cooks own use
| I don't mean that but for her beaW
and l forthwith proceed TO rage. / sweat
they We're almost as good as new-tha
| the pants especially weren't worn out b.
| the least. and that they would have last
| ca me several seasons longer. And when
| with her conscience lashing her on 4
destruction, she ntrepidly coafssses tina
she found a half-d0llar in The pistol
pocket, which she spent, my indignation
Is like unto the wrath OF Jove. / wOnde
how | ever could have thought her pretty
and straightway + solve that hencef0ru
| shall be master in my house. | eyel
read up my law-books on the subject o
divorces "a yinculO mairimoni," and re
fleet on judicial decrees OK perpotla
| separation And what does she dog Why
she goes down stairs and has pies mad
FOR dinner-sweet-pO potato pies. She know
that the pathway 10 my heart start
with my appetite. and that no oil on trou
bled marital waters can so quickly calr
the pillows as pie on my wounded feel
ings.
When resurrection-day comes / beliey
that half Of the old sinners who are nov
| crumbling in their tombs viii fcrthwit
hustle Off TO the neWspaper-O.licds, 90
| the files, and see what was said abou
them IN their obituary notices. Their
are a few men, however, who have al
ready had the pleasure OF reading thel
obituaries. Governor OFerrali rs one o
these, and yet to-day he Is one OF IN
most substantial animated ghosts that
have ever seen. Enduring or the lat
war, which I shall always recall Wit
horror and del.rium tremens, some fanke
saw tit 10 plug the Executive In "a
| lungs while the cavalry fight at Uppe'
Vile was In progress. and when the y0un
| Confederate fell from his horse he wa
as good as dead. In fact eyerybod
thought he was, and the Richmond news
papers always ahead OF their conteu
poIarie) published an account OF his ID
mise. The Governor subsequently sa
this. and when be read the pathetic az
! count Of his Death | haven't a dOuh
that he almost shed tears az the touch
ing story. The "send-om' he got wa
really worth dying Tor. but Il. was the
too late % fulfil this part OK the cor
tract. and so he renewed his lease on III
This experience. however hardl
touches that Of "Ids' Pennybacker, a 50
OF the late United States senator Pei
nyhacker, Tor that gentleman even wef
so far as 20 see his own coffin. IL VI
during the West Virginia campaign
1853. on one occasion our folks ran acro'
, a suag Ia the form Of TWO Yankee con
, panies. who. safely housed 10 two ID
cabins on each side OF O road. dosed o.
| - IN Ioal MN IL. r.-nn h.r-I