Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1895-09-11

Sirginia 5ree gress.


uals NO nus Pal"ll
like he used TO-"
Cynic-Well. my boy, what are you do
Jog? Chappie-Thinking. Cynic-Hi, wait
er Ring for an ambulance.
"Eb'ry man, " said Uncle Eben, dat Prides
hisse'fo on bein' a p~essimist am er walkin de-
nunciation oh his wife's cookin.
1t is now an open question whether the
"old woman" will insist upon calling the
new woman's" leggins limbkins.
as Bunkins as good as his word? ?" asked
one business man. Il guess he is" replied
the other. "His wOfd isn't good for anything-'
Miss Model-Do you need amodel, sir?
Old Persimmons-No, 1 only paint flowers
and fruit. Miss M.-Well, I'm a peach,
see!
I'm my business, lady, it is impossible to
get a days work" "You don't say! What
is your business? ;" 81 am a night watch
man."
81 see that the Sons ofScotland are going
to give a ball" "Well, that's natural they
must have their fling now and then, you
know"
Mr.. Richfello-Wha an exquisitely-
lovely creature Miss Fiyeseason is! Mi 5
Twoseasons-Y.e -s she is remarkably we'll
preserved.
so you like him ?" Eyes. He did me
the greatest favor one man can do another"
"What was that >" Married my home'y
daughter"
Father in-Law-Doy you save anything up
for a rainy day, young man. Son in-Law
Yes, sir. "What, I'd like to know -
"Umbrellas."
Friend-Don't you belong to 4 club
Business Man-No; can't afford it. Takes
q I can spare to pay dues at the clubs my
wife belongs TO.
IL suppose you can warrant this ham
mock ?' said the fair customer, hesitating-
ly. "Y,s, ma'am," SAID the salesman. 1T
Is built Tor Two
Enamored~ Youth-M0y | hope to find a
place in your heart? Lady Love fin de
%sieclel Ifyou hurry up. There are a few
choice locations left.
She-Don't you think my new hat is as
pretty as a picture? He-Ob, no; the hat
is a pretty frame for the more beautiful pic
ture that goes with it.
F~riend-If you can't live happily with
your husband, why don't you get a divorce
from him? Unhappy Wife, an afraid |
couldn't get anyone else.
Bobby-Have you poured all the powder
in the bottle Freddie-Yes. Bobby
Then let us drop a lighted match in and gee
how much Of it will 60 OFF.
Hu,band-Gee, It's hot! Can't we
have some lemonade, dear? Wife-Im sor
~, dear, but it takes all the lemons | can
buy to keep my light tan shoes clean.
Musician (ironically)-I am afraid my
music is disturbing the people who are talk
ing over there. Hos,ess-Dear me. never
thought ofthat. Don't play 50 loudly.
Dusty Rhodes-Pcople call this a free
country. Mrs. Dogood-What DO you call
it? Dusty Rhodcs-I agree with Rev. DR..
Piecrusr, that it is a free and easy country.
"When we got to the house" said the fire
man, I'VE found the piano ablaze. Odd
you turn the hose on it, ALAS, no! You
see 1 had never learnedto play on the piano"
Little Girl-Oh, mama, come quick =
Mama-Mercy What is the matrer?-
Little Girl There is a mouse in the kitchen
and the poor old cat is in there all by her
self.
The Hostess-Piease sing, Mr.. Tenor -
The Tenor-Really you know l have no
voice, / The Hostess-Oh, that won't
matter. They are all talking and they won't
hear YOU.
Il shouldn't wonder" observed Uncle Al
len Sparks, IF there was something in that
new theory hat mar was descended from
the fishes. He is always making a sucker of
himself"
De Sappy-I don't understand why some
people require so much sleep. I can get
along with four hours. Miss ~Bedbud-Tbe
body doesn't require nearly so much rest as
the brain.
Quericus-Why do you think girls are a
nuisance when you're camping out? Cyni-
cus-Bscau.e when they are around you
can't very well swear at the fellow who doe.
the cooking.
Wayside Ways-Say, Rogers, don't desc
calamity howlers make yer tired? Re,tful
Rogers-Naw dey amt half as bad Is der
business revival shouters wot's inquisertive
cause yer amt at work.
"My mamma got ever so many falls when
she was learning to ride the bicycle Yesterday,
explained the little girl to the caller, "and
that's why shes so long coming down. She
has got the blues all over her"
Hackett-I owe my landlady for three
months board, and she says that have got
to pay up. Sackett tindifferently)-I owe
my landlady a years board bill. Hackett-
How on earth do you get along without pay
ino ber9 Sacte+t-Rv navin0 aftanfions IN