Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1895-07-03

IiraiMia 9rEe 2tEss.
Humorous.

Minnesota garden plants have Jared bad
ly at the hands of Jack the Nipper.
A man is wise when he seeks wisdom a
knave when he thinks he has acquired 1t.
There is only one thing We are willing to
have others share with us it is our opinion.
Georgia has a watermelon king, whose
crop this year should make him a watermil-
~lionaire.
"Human sympathy" unused Uncle All'n
Sparks, SIS like a strawberry box. The bot
tom of it is very near the top"
The Suez canal is only eighty eight miles
long, but it reduces the distance from
England to India by sea nearly 1000 miles.
Jaggers weakly facetious |
was a burglar m dear' Mrs.-No! A bur-
glar wouldn't have taken half the time to
get in
The newspapers have started the report
that a New Jersey girl kneads bread with
her gloves on. That is nothing. Exchange.
It's next to nothing.
A lady in a neighboring town has crowded
16 yards of dress goods into two sleeves
That's nothing. There's a man in town that
can put a king and queen into one sleeve.
An enthusiastic editor writes: "The bat
tie is now OPEN" But alas the intelligent
composition spelled battle" with an 90" and
his readers said they suspected it all along.
Anyway" said the cornfed philosopher,
when the women get into Congress you
won't hear any more of that 4 pause for a
reply chestnut. They won't pause. No"
Farmer (who has just insured his farm
house)-What would 1 get if my house
should burn down next week ? Insurance
Agent-In all probability three or four
years in prison.
The giving Of the bride by her father is
not a very important part of the marriage
ceremony, but the giving away of some
maidens by their little brothers has prevent
ed many marriages.
Son-Well, father, | think l shall marry.
Father-Marryf Why, you haven't any
thing to marry on" Son-I'd like to know
what's the matter with the girls father
He's worth q million"
81 don't believe these stories Of starya-
ton and suffering out West" said Miss
Welloph. surely there must be asparagus
and new tomatoes aud Strawberries in the
market out there by this timer
They we're discussing the circus. Did
you ever see a man fred out OF a cannon u
asked the shoe clerk boarder. NO." said
the cheerful idiot, 81 never did. But saw
a fellow fred out of q ball not long ago"
ooh! how delightful I" exclaimed the
artless young creature at the reception
"You are an auihoTess !" 81 presume" re-
piled the Boston celebrity with a cold smile,
81 am what you would call 3 novelistess."
81 understand, Colonel, " said the North
ern visitor, that you are in the midst Of
your delightful spring weather. Fright
YOU are, sir! The only trouble is, | have
lost pawn ticket for my winter oyercost!"
The little Boston boy WAS so plainly puff
fed up with juvenile vanity that tie visitor
noticed it Robert seems unusually proud
o.day," she said. yes" the fond mother
answered che has on his first pair of specta.
cles."
Freddy told Mr.. Loyemau that you
said you were going to kiss him the next
time ne came to the house. Maud-Yon
horrid b oy. What did he say Freddy
Said he woulnd't believe it till he had it
from your own lips.
She ladmiringly)-You didn't lose your
presence of mind one bit when you jumped
into the water and saved Miss Elderly from
drowning, did you? He-No, but | cam
near it. Sbe-How was that? He-I start
ed to grab her by the hair.
!"T hear" said the cheerful idiot, that
they are talking OF revising the costume Of
the Goddess of Liberty" "And what will
it be, pray ?" asked the typewriter bOarder,
who has q wheel. "Red, white aud bloom
ers," said the cheerful idiot.
gWhy, father" cried the young man, ear
nestly, shes worth her Weight in gold."-
THAT may be-" the millionaire carefully re-
turned, but even in that case you will bear
in mind ste wouldn't foot up above thirty
five or forty thousand dollars"
The %Bishop-I hope, my dear young lady,
that you have always before you some high
ideal. some exalied type of %womanhood, that
you hope in line 10 reach Miss PiukerIy
I have, indeed, Bishop. have algays
looked forward to being a bride,
A young man had been talking to q bored
editor for quite q quarter Of an hour, and at
last observed There are some things ia
this world that 90 without saying" "YeS,"
said the editor" and there are still more per-
sons in the world who say good deal without
going"
"If you don't take that oil painting Today,
mum, at Sc, | shall raise the price next week
to IS" said the man with 4 collection OF al
legged works of art for sale. "Why will you
raise the price "Well, mum, that picture
can't be produced for the price I'm asking