Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-01-13
FITTED HIM "QUICK."
The Trousers Of Napoleon Bonaparte
Were Very, Very Tight.
A WORD TO ENGAGED COUPLES"
whv Not Get Married and Stop Fooling 3
Household with Sixteen Hundred
Members In II.

Members In 1t.
Among the spectators who looked on
Richard Mansfeld's magnificent produc-
ton OF Napoleon Bonaparte" last week
was my humble and unpretentious self
All through the performance-and never
got so much for my money before In my
life 'cepting cne occasion when bought
a load of hay-I sat with bullying eyes,
and marveled greatly at the wondrous
scenes. How Napoleon could have won
as many victories as he did, considering
the tight trousers he wore (or which
Mansfield alleges that he wore), Is more
than | can see. When tight trousers
used to be In fashion. and tho modes
caused me to melt myself into pair oil
them, l always felt that certain re-
stralnt was being exercised over me. In
those dark days l dared not despor'
myself at that merry game called leap
frog, nor did /, for that matter, feei
thoroughly equipped to pick up pins or
u indulge in other frivoities which now
characterize me. Great, indeed, must
have been the man who could subJugate
all Europe whilst wearing pants Ike those.
No wonder his dignity made icicles iorin
on the whiskers OF all the hungry oitice-
seekers who came into his presence. n
man couldn't be anything but dl5nihed III
a get-up like that-leastwise he couldh
IL he wanted TO protect himself. FROM
one OF the humorous papers which re-
Gently met my gaze l see that there u
a sort Of NapOlcOnic craze perVadins
everything nowadays and that folks are
aping Bonaparte just as they used 10
do the English. Heaven forbid that the
cut OF his trousers should ever become
the fashion. Let US avert this calamity,
at least, until can fatten up TO meet the
exigcncies of the case. For years | was
bounded by the thought that some hend
would introduce knickerbockers, and
now, Just at the very time my mind has
been relieved Of that awful burden, here
comes this terrible, bloOd-curdling me-
mace. Ny comments concerning the Lit
tie Corporal (whO. like other celebrated
men, has the honor Of having good
brand OF tobacco named after hm) are
by no means made in a spirit of disre-
spect. Rather let there be peace 10 his
ashes-provided he has been reduced TO
ashes yet-for he has record that never
has and never will be equallsl-no. not
even by our champion pugil!st. Any man
who has az nice tombstone and as
respectable 4 sarcophagus as Napoleon Bo-
naparte can count on having my adnra-
tion. His last resting place at the Hotel
des Invalides in Paris is the most "swag-
GER thing In the whole burg. and Is
worth dying for three or four times
The audience which greeted Mr.. Mans
feI at the Academy last week was one
OF the most brilliant and polished | have
ever seen--so brilliant and polished. in
fact. that It appeared TO have been
creased with lubricating oil. | do not
make thi3 statement simply because |
was there, though my presence, | doubt
not, added no little TO the l,@O-candle
power brlliancy OF the house. and people
who looked over in my direction seemed
| TO be pleased 10 know / was living. But
then, we all had on our good clothes, or
rather those Of friends who allowed US
| 10 borrow them. The shirt-buttons which
pierced my manly bosom. as Il heayad
with emotion at the various exciting in
cldents OF the pay. were the loving con-
| tribution OF friend who IS trying to
| win my political influence, and the cravat
| which scuflied over my collar WAS the
| temporary loan Of an old acquaintance.
| who wants my photograph Many, many
| were the handsome oIera-coaks, Sara
| harIt-terra-cotta-p!g gloves,
| and diamonds. which | recognized as
| being borrowed by tho dear ones chere as
| sem0led, AMI many, many were the bOr-
| rowel dollars we used 10 pay our ad-
| mission into the playhouse. Beautifully
! indeed did we succeed IN making ether
| people think we were wealthy, and tina;
| We lived on Franklin street. / have al
| ways felt that when | succeeded in lead
! ing the public 10 fully cherish this de-
| luslOn / would willingly murmur Jam
| salts" turn up my little toes. and le;
| my relatives collect my life Insurance
Among the spectators my sympathetic
| optical organs fell on many engaged
| couples" happy maids and still happier
| young men who didn't give a continental
| IL people did know they were loving
each other. / could tell them every
| time. Somehow the girls had such a
| comfortable. settng-hen look about them
| and the boys-well, they looked as prout
| and as confident as rOOster5 about &c
crow. The damselS had "mortgaged'
| written all over them Gust as some o
| our homes do). and the men smiled "sole
| mortgage" In every feature. My biz
| honest. agricultural heart feel for thos,
| innocent spectators In terrestrial beati
| tude. and silently bade them god-speed
| Let em try II. Flour Is cheap now, and
| soon we won't need any more coal 10
| the winter.
| took each OF the couples separated!
| and made personal inquiries abou. them
| why don't that pair get married?'
| asked my companion, who, being a wo
man. knew something about every en-
| gagement In town. Too poor" sh'
said.
| but the ones In front OF them"
| querled. 'Why the deadlock thereT HI
salary is too small" she murmured softly
Surely that pair In evening dress CA
| afford it," / anxiously asked. not o
your life" she replied. his salary I
only fifteen a week" Then there is a
least some chance for that elderly couple
| growing old so gracefully" "No hope 70
them" said the gentle voice agaIr
they're IN reduced circumstances" An
so IL was from pit to dOme-from tn
orchestra floor wnre the borrowed eve
ming dress Haunted in all its spark.in
fnery up to the dim-dstant "buzzard'
roost" where human hearts were sti
beating behind empty vest-pockets.
general reduction IN circumstances" ha
taken place, and Cupid was making
dead-failure all on account Of lack {
capital How my soul went out in pity
for all those helpless mortgagers an
mortgages. The fact that we have tn
walls OF our house papered with silver
certificates and that / throw yello'
gold TO birds. did not make me purse
| proud. 1 was all, all sympathy. Some
thing appealed to me. and urged me
lend a helping hand. Something whls
pered. and is still whispering, Can't "
do something-can't we establish 4 HON
for incurables TO be known as 18th
Asylum Of INDECENT Engaged Couples,
where marriage licenses. preachers fee:
etc, can be furnished?
Don't suppose for an instant that wan
to discourage courtships an6 the trick
incident TO such n state. On the contrary
want to sick them on each other
to be a professional match-maker an
to do all | can to link hearts. | belIev
In matrmony, but then. why delay IN
game? II you are an engaged couple
and don't hurry up, what's going 10 be
come OF you? The boys and girls are .
slow about II nowadays that their plan
wont mature until they reach thei
second childhood. In a few years IN
society correspondents will be descrio
ing hymeneal affairs in the following Ian
guage: Just as the glorious strains Q
r.h a1