St. Paul daily globe. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1884-1896, 1895-02-03
AND ALL THE NEWSPAPERS.
The Sunday Stuff Sent / n
Would Be Appropriate
for Puck,
1T is so VERY HUMOROUS.
The Man Who Don't Believe
All the Agent Says Is a
Fool.

If the average advance agent only
knew of the choice collection of pains
he gives the man who is obliged to
edit his stuff, the average advance
agent would so away out in the coun
try whole lot of miles, dig whole lot
Of holes and fall in them. Since l be-
gan to edit the Sunday theatrical mat
ter l have had more pains than people
who take patent medicines. These
were not transitory pains. They all
stuck to me and lasted till the, fore
man had his fins planted on the copy
The average advance agent reminds
me of any old thing, only he's totally
different. He comes in with halo
over his co co and goes out with the
idea that he has helped to educate the
man he calls on. He never educated
me. He only made me think that there
are more ills in the world than are
visible to the naked eye on week days.
[ don't merton Sundays, because my
Idea of Sunday is such that 1T will
not permit me to mention an advance
agent in connection with the Sabbath.
| had three of the insects during the
week. They only wanted the use of the
paper every morning of the week, kind
ly allowing the publishers the use OF
it for the Sunday edition, inasmucn as
their attraction closed on Saturday
night. When the stockholders of the
company met last night they passed
a resolution of thanks to the advance
agents for allowing Us to print the
Sunday paper as we saw fit. This
doesn't happen often. We
Consider 1t Luxury
when it does happen. We are not ia
miliar with luXuries, eyther. You will
notice that [ still cling to that word
eyther. ] got it when L was scrap
ing along for office and had pocket
full of money How habits will cling
to a man. 1 caught myself saying
eyther the other night when l was
busted. Force of habit is terrible
thing.
The earlyp of last week an advance
agent called on me and he bore
bundle of manuscript. He also bored me.
Handing me a strip that looked like
a sheet of wall paper, he said:
use that in the morning and the
others every morning for the rest OF
the week"
He sized me up rather superciliously
and without waiting for an answer
walked out. [ ran after him and as
he disappeared down the elevator L
yelled:
You're a liar 7 couldn't think. Of
anything else to say and as the word
was appropriate I let it go at that. He
knew / described him faithfully and
he never said a word back. L picked
UP the first notice. II read like this:
mo writer ever had thoughts equal
to those which inspired William Bull
head Skins when he wrote this play
1t ran seven hundred nights in Boston,
it was boosted well by the paid Eastern
press and that it will draw crowded
houses every night this week is
cinch.'
There wasn't a word about the play,
the people in it, or the plot. All L
knew was the name of it. He assumed
that as long as the play ran so many
nights i'll Boston, people here would
Rum Their Legs Off
TO see it. Now we don't give :. tin
kers dam for the people of Boston nor
have we grown gray watching these
plays to see how many nights they run
down East. We don't live East and
we wouldn't if we could. We don't
care Il rap how much the people of New
York enjoy anything, we won't go If
we don't want to, and there is no
double distilled crane-backed rule COM
polling a man to so just because the
bean eaters went. I told an advance
agent that and he thought 1 was crazy.
He's like most advance agents. He
thinks everybody is crazy but himself.
Mr.. Agent Number Two strolled in
early in the week and in q roar-of-a-
cyclone voice exclaimed:
q represent The Hollow Mockery,'
than which there is no better drawma
on the road. Of course you will take
care OF US. I used to be in the news
paper business myself. Got pencil?"
Selling the Faber, he hastily made a
big paragraph mark, wrote three words
and scraWled a big ring around the
period. He was looking at me from
out the corner of his eye. 1 imnledi
ately told him that the newspapers had
discarded the use of the period, and had
concluded to blow the paragraph
marks. He was dumbfounded. He
didn't know what he was going to do
to stall the next city editor he ran
across and begged me to give him a
few signs that would make the city
editor think he knew all about the
business.
This is the most tiresome kind of
advance agent in the whole bloody
world When he says he used to be
a newspaper man be gives me the
Idea that he's got a better job since
and feels sorry for the man who re-
mains in the business. He's the big
gest pain on the road, and if you fol-
low him to his hotel you will find that
he kicks on the ice water. Call him
anything and you'll hit the bullseye.
He is anything and that's the best /
can say for him.
'The coming attraction has mag
nificent cast" he writes in his notices,
but he ornits giving the name of sin
gle member of the cast.
1.-The house will be crowded every
night" goes the typewriter. How in
the name OF the Great Jehovah and the
Continental congress does he know
whether there will
. Be II CorpcraHs Guard
to see his measly old play?
THE people Of st. Paul know a good
thing when they see it, he says, "and
hence the theater will be crowded
nightly" He means by this that If
the people don't attend they don't know
what a good. thing is. He knows
though. He's paid to know, but it is
doubtful if his manager pays him to
write the rot, the hog wash, the inane and
thoughtless paragraphs he sends in for
us to run on Sunday. Every advance
agent that comes here has the best
show on earth, and if the people don't
come to see it they are a lot of jays,
potato diggers, corn cutters, haymak-
ers, clod hoppers, squash throwers and
bean pickers. The papers which don t
use the senseless stuff he sends in. are
operated by a lot of of Western hoo
docs who never saw New York.
If these advance agents only knew
what we think of them they'd lose
sleep wondering how they got so UNI
popular.
Mr.. Agent Number Three came in to
advertise Miss Seraphine McCloskey,
and left me sheet which said:
She is a woman of rare personality
She doesn't know the word fear and
~, of Cn1pu TcIo r6