davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14
HUMOROUS.

Take away woman" shouted the
orator, land what would follow?' "We
would" said man at the back of the
audience promptly.-Tit-Bits.
--He-"Higbee would have run
through his fortune in year if it
hadn't been for his wife" She-"How
did she prevent it?" He-"She spent
1t herself. "-Tit-Bits.
Pop" said the young hopeful, ST
saw them taking key of butter board
Capt. Shippers yacht to-day; do you
suppose they use it to spread her sails?"
-Yonkers Statesman.
That Striking Costume. Mrs Carr
goyle-"What struck you most while
travelling in Holland?" Mrs. Trotter
"A good many of the men wore
boomers. "-Harper's Bazaar.
-Bobby-''Mamma, do the streets Of
Heaven flow with milk and honey?'
Mother-''So the Bible says, dear"
Bobby-"And Is that why the angels
bad?"-Pittsburgh Bulletin.
AT the Wings. Maud Ito Low
Comedian)-"Say, Teddy, what did the
poet mean when he wrote: Though
lost to sight, to memory dear?" Low
Com.-:'What! Don't you know? The
lines were addressed to prompter."-
Fun.
(which stands the higher in your
country. the politician or the literary
rnan?" asked the visiting Englishman.
"Oh, answered the careless native,
they are about even, I guess. One
gets indicated, and the other gets
syndicated. indianapolis Journal.
-Blarney.-H Reverence-"I can't
take your cab, Pat. / see your horse
has been on his knees" Pat-"Arrah,
yer reverence; be aisy about that. The
last place he had was wild praste
and faith. he had to keep up SIM
blance of religion. Sydney Bulletin.
Patent Medicine Man" MADAM,
did your husband use the bottle Of
Fakem's Balm of Life left him?"
Wife-''Yes. 1t took immediate effect"
Patent Medicine Manhood. Then
You can conscientiously say that he
will use no other" Wife-"Pm quite
sure of it." He's dead"-N. Y. World.
Social Distinction. Two little girls
were chatting together on their way to
school. my father is a general" said
the one, boastfully. The other replied.
rs she munched bit of nice cake:
mine is a confectioner!" And the
generals daughter darted look Of
envy at hes little companion. Der
Floh.
AN Up-to-Date Parrot. Mrs Din
gle-"Pm awfully glad to see you,
Mrs. Stone; l wanted to tell you that
our old parrot will soon be able to talk
again" Mrs. Stone-'I don't under
stand you; thought you said he was
deaf and dumb" $50 he is, but he's
learned to make the deaf and dumb
signals with his toes "--Pbiladelphis
Call
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14
PERSONAL COLOR SELEc TON,
Every Woman Has Some Tint That Be-
longs to Her Style.

Every Woman Has Some Tint That Be-
longs to Her Style.
Every woman, whether she knows it
or not, has color or colors that are
hers by right of suita bility, and how
ever, much her eye may be captivated
by other tints, she should not be led
astray by her fancy. Again, certain
shades of particular color are often
as unbecoming to a woman's complex
ion as others are the reverse.
Thus, not only colors, but shades,
have to be studied and understood if
harmony in these and the becoming in
dress are to be attained. Some women
only get far enough on the road of
good taste in dress to choose colors and
materials that blend we'll or cou-
trast better, but not far enough to
take into consideration the more i'm
portant question of whether the choice
made is one that will conduce to their
personal advantage. There is a pre-
vailing idea that men lean much to-
ward the plain if not strictly severe
style of dress, or what is now termed
tailor-made. The palmer the cut of
bodice and the less elaborate in make,
the more becoming it is to the figure of
the wearer, and the more it appeals to
the masculine taste. Many men go
step further and absolutely taboo the
present style of tea gown, dear to the
hearts of women. From their point of
view the tea gown, concealing the
waist, destroys the symmetry of the
figure, and therefore should only be
worn in the bedroom, and not out of
it. To this mandate many wives have
to Down. Y. Times.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14
WOULD NOT NEGOTIATE.
HoartIcss Insurance OniciaIs Refused I
Patrons Reasonable Request.

| HeaYtIcSs Insurance Onicials Refused o
Patrons Reasonable Request.
/ A man with red nose which looked
chronic and had the air of being legiti-
mately acquired called at the Office Of
. big life insurance company, and ad-
dressing the first official he happened
to meet said:
"Sir, am insured for five thousand
dollars in your company"
"Well?"
THE policy, strange to say, is made
out in the name of my wife. She has
possession of it."
mot strange at all, butEeminently
proper" said the official ,S|
"And if ! could get hold of the poll
cy would hook it," continued the
man with the red nose, 'but she keeps
1T hid. l am here, however, for the
purpose OF making a proposition to
you, and the whereabouts of the poll
cy is neither here nor there. Are you
open to deal?"
I'VE are" answered the official cold
ly.
"Well, here is my plan. Since can
not raise anything on that policy I
spring upon you the following situa-
ton: Before nightfall / shall be
dead man, and you'll have to pony up
that five thousand dollars"
How do you make that out?' de-
manded the official, in tones of sur
prise.
''Simply because can not get a
drink" replied the policy holder. IF
whisky is not forthcoming perish.
simply lie down and stiffen out and
you lose your money. A quarter of
dollar, however, will save my life and
save you five thousand bones. Twenty
five cents fixes me and 1 live. With
out it breathe my last and prove
dead loss to you. If 1 survive, how
ever, my wife will go on paying
premiums, and who knows but what I
may become centenarian?"
He looked anxiously at the official,
but the latter seemed to be frozen
solid.
"Do get the quarterP" he demand
ed, after pause.
"You do not" was the reply, in icy
tones.
Every WE'LL" and he sighed heavily,
that settles it, Make out your death
claims and things. Fill up the check
payable to the order of my weeping
widow. Charge me to profit and loss"
He walked heavily out - Louisville
Times
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14
A GOODNIGHT cARESS.

a little shining ring lies In my hand.
Not gold, nor starred with gems, but just
instead,
Aprecious ring of sunny yellow hair
Cut from my darlings head
What art thou like, without thy frame OF light
The aureole that made thy little face
Like to the cherub faces which In Heaven
Are found In fairest place?
How many times I've stopped to kiss and bless
The fairest little head in all my world!
Tonight bow my own with silent tears,
And kiss one little curl
Robbed Of thy crown, thou'rt still my little
king
To whom bend in worship praying yet
That the most Kingly Oliver may not
In love for thee forget.
what thou hast been to me, my little lad,
OF sunshine and of bloom in darkest days.
Only the Father knows, who plants some
flower
Along lifes toughest ways
Out OF my arms. far out beyond my reach,
The swift years bear thee, but my yearning
heart
Can never make OF life a blessed thing
From thee, dear boy, apart.
Till life's last day. thy tender, winsome face,
Set with the blue and shine Of heavenly
skies,
And sweet with childish graces, viii remain
Pictured before my eyes.
God keep thee, bless thee. love thee, little ladl
cannot fold thee always, safe from harm:
Give him, dear SheBherd, through LIES weary
years,
The shelter of Thine arm.
Sharp griefs will come. and tears, unlike to
these
That make thy sweet eyes lovelier as they
! fall,
Will dim thy sight and furrow thy fair cheek:
Such tears must come TO all
But thou, my lad, be victor over all
Lies sharp temptations and It's bitterest
pain;
And brayely learn that earthly loss may mean
To thee Heavens highest gain
Again, God bless thee, oh, my little lad!
bend once more to kiss this shining tress,
And give my love, unmeasured and untold,
With this goodnight caress
Youths Companion
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

lit ID said that William Words
worth, grandson of the poet, Is him
self writer of verse of no mean abili-
ty. He is an exceedingly modest man.
however, and so far has refused to
publish any of his writings lest com.
parison between his illustrious grand
sire and himself.
Mrs. Newcomb MCGEE, of WASH
ington, ID. c., who is to be only the
second woman elected fellow OF the
American Association for the Advance
ment of Science, is the daughter of the
astronomer, Prof. Newcomb, is med
ical graduate of the Columbian uni
versity of Washington, and member
OF the Anthropological society.
The prince of Naples, heir to the
throne of Italy, is in search of a royal
wife. He is dark-eyed, fragile look
ing youth of twenty-five, wears a
monocle, and dresses much in the En-
glish fashion. He is deeply devoted to
his mother, and when away from her
sends her two long kilograms day,
besides letter replete with details.
1t is in his management of the
pawns, the humblest pieces on the.
chess board, that Pillsbury makes
some of his most successful moves in
chess. A chess expert who has fol-
lowed the champions play carefully
says that freqently the sacrifice of one
of his pawns opens the way almost
unexpectedly for break through his
opponents rush line"
Most people know the fact, but
have forgotten it, that in 1865 Mr..
Lincoln commissioned Robert Lincoln
captain and Gen. Grant made him an
aide-de-camp. The young captain was
fresh from college, and his appoint
ment caused great deal of interest in
the Army of the Potomac-almost as
much as the coming of Sheridan from
tho west to take command of the
cavalry.
Rev w. Williams, in his personal
"reminiscences of G. H. Sturgeon" tells
an anecdote about the great preacher
as smoker Some gentleman wrote
to Mr.. Spurgeon saying '.he had heard
he smoked and could not believe it
true. Would Mr.. Spurgeon write and
tell him if 1t was really so?' The reply
sent was as follows: "Dear -: 1 cul.
tivate my flowers and burn my weeds.
Yours, truly, G. II. Sturgeon"
The late Prof. Boyesen was most
conversationalist AL
though pronounced opponent of the
school of fiction, he had many
personal anecdotes to re-
late of Victor Hugo. Boyesen visited
the great romancist while he was
still in exile on the Isle of Guernsey.
Prof. Boyesen said that Victor Hugo
at the age of eighty was wonderful
of physical and mental
vigor.
The task of restoring the Carlyle
house in Chelsea, which was bought
recently as memorial of the famous
Scotchman, has been done with much
care, in the endeavor to give the house
the look it wore in the days when the
sage of Chelsea made it his home. Such
of his personal belongings as could be
secured have been gathered here-the
sofa, chest of drawers, dressing table
and wash-stand which stood in his bed
room, the old-fashioned CRATE from the
and, best of all, his book |
shelves and large portion of his libra
~, copiously annotated by himself.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14
He Exaggerated.

Apropos of railway racing, French
paper tells the following story of
meridianal exaggeration. An English
man and Marseillais were disputing
which was the faster train, the ex-
press to Edinburgh or the ''rapide" to
Marseilles. The southerner finally
clinched the matter with the follow
ing anecdote: ''Look here" he said,
''the 'rapide' is the astest train in the
world, and here's the proof of it: The
other day / was getting on board at
Paris when the station master said
something that annoyed me. My
blood was up, / aimed dbl ow at him,
when the train suddenly started and it
was the station master at Avignon
who had his ears boxed. London
Globe.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14
The SKIN and knowledge

Essential to the production Of the most per-
feet and popular laxative remedy known.
have enabled the California Fig Syrup Co..
to achieve great success IN the reputation
eeded to be the universal laxative. For sale
by all druggists.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14
when wrinkle. scam the nrow.

And the locks grow scant and silvery, IND
frmities of age come on apace. To retard
and ameliorate these is one OF the benign efS
fects of Hostetter's Stomach Bitters, med4
icine to which the aged and infirm can reS
sort as safe solace and invigorant. 10
counteracts tendency to rheumatism and
neuralgia, improves digestion, rectifies bill
iousness and overcomes malaria. A wine4
glass before retiring promotes slumber.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

In the Neutrality-suspicious.
me, madame, paid half a crown for
admission, but can not see anything
owing to your hat" Indignant Mater
familias-"Sir, paid ten times ~
much for my hat"-Lustige BlatteN
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

PEACE AT LAsT.-"There Is nothing now
to ma our happiness" as Bass remarked
when his wife's mother took her departure.
Boston Transcript.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

DoN'T Neglect Cough. Take Some Hale's
Honey OF Horehound and Tar tnstdnter.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

A COUPLE Of jailbrds were drinking to-
gether when one Of them took out his
watch. "Bless mel' exclaimed his aston
ished companion, ''you've got watch RI
'Looks like it, "And how much did ID
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

SORROW has not been given to us for scr.
rows sake, but as lesson which we are to
learn somewhat, which once learned II
ceases to be sorrow.-Carlyle.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14
Schiller Tbeater.

UHelene Mora, surrounded by an excellent
company, in 'The Modern Mephisto,n viii
be the attraction for one week, beginning
Nov. Sd. ~
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

EVERY bride wears wedding dress that
Is beyond her fathers means.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

THE world is Gods epistle to mankind
His thoughts are flashing upon US from
every direction.-Plato.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

BEECHAM's PILLS for constipation 10c anG
and 60 by it. Annual sales 6,OOO, 900 boxes.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

I HAVE found Piso's Cure for Consump1
1905 Scott St., Covington, KY, Oct. /, 1894.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

A MAN can fool his girls mother as to
what wages he gets, but he can't fool her
| father.-Atchison Globe.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

THE saddest things in life are men witnuutI
manhood, women without womanhood and
children without childhood. Young Mems
Era
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

''TuE world" is q conventional phrase,
which, being interpreted, signifies all the
rascality in it.-Dickens.
Audubon Republican. [volume] (Audubon, Iowa) 1894-1925, 1895-11-14

Halls Catarrh Cure
Is Constitutional Cure. Price 75c.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1895-11-25
THINGS THEATRICAL.
transformers Attempt = Production of
ssSide Tracked"

transformers Attempt = Production of
aside Tracked"
The delegation which attempted to
entertain the audience at Harper's
theatre last evening were. with pos
sibly a few exceptions. truly charac-
teristic of the parsonage julie Walters
received his inspiration from in
writing "Side Tracked" Walters,
who formerly took the tramp part,
WAS not in the cast. but could he
have seen the unmerciful' assault
upon the piece. he would be justified
in having these tramps arrested for
false representation. L. Murphy.
who appeared in the part originally
written for Walters, made an accept
able stagger at stageolOgy. but as for
the balance, 'twere better a criti-
cism be not ventured.
FootIisht Flashes.
At the close of Marie Wellslcy's
two-weeks' engagement Saturday
evening. Head Usher Kreis in behalf
of Harper's theatre management pre-
sented the company's managers and
owners, Messrs. Obee and Wilson,
each with a diamond stud as a re-
membrance of their meritorious pro-
ductions and success in pleasing the
public.
Rice's "1492" is to be presented in
all its granduer at the Burtis, at
Davenport. tonight. and should
attract large audience.
That merry FARGO s.Tbo Drod;pol
Father" jollier and more sparkling
than ever, will be presented to the
patrons of Harper's theatre tomor-
row night. New funmakers, new
specialties, the latest songs and jokes
serve to make the funny farce, now
in its fourth year, fresher and more
interesting than ever. Since its last
appearance here THE Prodigal
Father" has been altered from a
straight comedy into a rollicking.
good farce comedy. A number of
clever vaudeville stars have been
added to the cast and the comedy is
now more than ever up-to-date.
Tomorrow evening Cosgrove &
Grants comedians are to present the
dazzling comedy, 1.-The Dazzler," at
the Burtis, at Davenport.
The Thanksgiving attraction at
the Burtis will be Efiie Ellsler in
afternoon and evening entertain
ment.
The Woodward Theatre company
will give two performances at Har-
per's theatre Thanksgiving day.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1895-11-25
BRIEF MENTION

''Jolly Jonathan" at St. Mary's
fair tonight.
Drink Carse & Ohweiler's ginger
ale and be healthy.
Souvenirs Of St. Mary's fair will be
for sale at the postoffice.
Deputy James Lamont collected
$9S1.05 internal revenue last week.
Good reputation is good business
capital. Good advertising helps to
create good reputation.
w. j. Mosher desires to express
his deep gratitude to all who offered
sympathy and kindness in his late
bereavement.
Low rates to Atlanta and the south
via Il. l. & p. railway. TouriS,
tickets now on sale to Florida points
Fastest time by this route.
See the very latest in winter MILL.
merry at Mrs. Z. c. Hodges milliner,
store. 329 Twentieth street. Also
notions, stamping and fancy work.
The Broadway Presbyterian church
choir and the Svea male chorus led 8
special song service at the First Pres
byterian church, Davenport, yester
day.
Mrs. Lucinda Waite, widow of the
late William Waite, died at Rev
nolds Saturday afternoon of paraly
sis. aged ca years. She was one oil
county's oldest residents. Severa
children survive.
Rev. J. H. Skidmore. of Portland
Ore, who is associated in the reviva
services at the First Nj. f. church. i.
in the district over which Rev. G. w
Cue. formerly of Rock Island, is pre-
siding elder.
Nels Olsen has commenced suit il
the circuit court through his attor
ney. Maj. j. Nj. Deardsley, for divorc,
from his wife. Caroline Olsen. The,
were married December 10. 1891, AM
lived happily together until Novem
Der, 1898, when he alleges she de
serted him.
Maurice senberg. of Peoria, is il
the city today the guest of his friend
Eli MOsenfelder. Mr.. Eisenberg i:
associated with Eugene F. Baldwin
also of Peoria. in the pull LEGATION Of
the romance of today, .'Dr. Cavallo.
The book has attracted consiierabl,
attention and discussion dealing, a
it does. with the race problem, will
| religious thought as we'll as with far
reaching sociological questions. Thu
authors have evidently struck a key
note that will give their publication
wide circulation and prove remun
erative to their efforts as well.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1895-11-25
e Dinner at Scion Chase'a.

D. a. Boyle of Bedford tells the fol-
owing: 81 remember once when Sera-
tors Frye, Hale, John d. Long Of Mas
sachUsetts, Delamater Of Illinois ant,
several others We're at Turner fishing
and called On Uncle Scion Chase. Hale,
by the way. used to go to school tc
Chase somewhere in that neighborhood,
and Long, l think. was born dowr
there. Well, they all happened to call
On Chase that day, ard he invited then,
to his house fer dinner He had a House
keeper whom we all called the hired
girl. She was a strange old soul and
subject to 'tantrums,' Chasa called
them.
"Of course she managed to have a
'tantrum' Oh this particular day, and
when Chase got his company down to
the house the girl refused to get dinner,
and the only things eatable in the house
were baked beans and blueberries. But
that didn' bother Scion very long. We
set the blueberries and the beans on the
table, and then Chase made a little
speech of welcome, winding up by say
ing, Gentlemen, guess what's good
enough for me is good enough for you.
Let's eat. They did eat and had fun
enough over that meal to make it digest
well, you bet !''-Lewiston Journal.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1895-11-25
Sustain
Home Industry
On Tap everywhere.
Only Union labor employed.

The Rock Island Brewing Company, success
ors to George Wagner's Atlantic Brewery, |.
Huber's City Brewery and Raible & Stengers
Rock Island Brewery. as well as Julius Junge's
Bottling Works, has one of the most complete
Brewing establishments including Bottling de-
partment in the country. The product is the
very best. Beer is bottled at the brewery and
delivered to any part Of the tri-cities. and may
he ordered direct from the head offices on No
line avenue by Telephone.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1895-11-25
KNOWLEDGE

Brings comfort and improvement and
tends to personal enjoyment when
rightly used. The many, who live bet
ter than Others and enjoy life more, with
less expenditure, by more promptly
adapting the worlds best products to
the needs of physical being, will attest
the value to health of the pure liquid
laxative principles cu3raced in the
remedy, Syrup of Figs
Its excellence is due to its presenting
In the form most acceptable and pleas
ant to the taste, the refreshing and truly
beneficial properties of perfect Lax
ative; effectuaily cleansing the system,
dispelling colds, headaches and fevers
and permanently curing constipation.
It has given satisfaction to millions and
met with the approval of the medical
profession, because it acts on the Kid
neys, Liver and Bowels without weak
ening them and it is perfectly free from
every Objectionable substance.
Syrup Of Figs is for sale BY eli drug.
gists in SOC and 81 bottles, but il is man
ufactured by the California Fig Syrup
20. only, whose name is printed on every
package, also the name, Syrup of Figs.
and being well Informed, you will not
sccept any Substitute if offered.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1895-11-25
RURAL,

RURAL. Nov. 23.-Corn picking
still continues with a number of
farmers. The yield is more than an
average. but large chinch bugs did
considerable damage and they can be
found in large quantities in the
husks. The machines for huskinp
and cutting corn fodder make slow
work. and they are not being used as
much as expected.
A great many deep wells have
been put down this year with sue
cess. as that is the only way to OBJ
tain sufficient water for stock.
Stock looks we'll. Pastures and
meadows have good feed yet.
Fall blowing is done in fine shape.
Hogs have about stopped dying
from cholera, which it is believed is
now abating.
Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1893-1920, 1895-11-25
Elevator EuRds.

The list of subscriptions to the
elevator funds to date is appended: