Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-04-14
SHE'D LIKE A MULE.
What the q IdIer" Did When he OaH
"StelIa's" Picture.
SOME CONFIDENTIAL LOVERS.
A Poeti. Query from Princess Anne.
which IL Better-Money or Loves--
She Thought She Was = "sistcr' In
the Rev. Johns Flock.

People evidently don't think I'm plous.
All last week folks kept asking me IL
I had seen Stella" and when 1 said
/ didn't know the lady they looked
sorter curious and told me ought TO
take a peep at the woman. you must
certainly visit her." they said. for you
can see more Of her than anybody we
know" l began TO think from what they
said that, inasmuch as so much OF her
was to be seen, she must be a side-show
fat woman. In this, however, was
mistaken, for STELLA" as l afterwards
learned. was nothing but picture-an
hundred thousand dollar picture exhibit
ed on Broad street. Being as my eye
wasn't accustomed to looking at one
hundred thousand dollar articles, de-
cided to risk quarter on the lady. 10
use a colloquial expression, what l got
for that quarter was plenty, II sur
prise ana embarrassment cpunk COR
aught. one night, just after l had been
around TO some of the bookstores TO buy
I'D several back numbers OF the MIS-
sionary Weekly I dropped into the place
TO see as much OF stella" as l could,
and the shock / experienced caused me
TO blush like a carrot. II was all dark
when | sauntered In. blithely whistiins
Rock of Ages" They led me through
a dim-lit passage-way into the room
where Stella" was, and straight ahead
I marched, never suspectlng evil or
thinking about what was running into.
When / raised my head l backed my
ears and SHE'D like q country mule at
a steam locomotive. There before ms
was the Iady--no, she can't be LADY,
living on sofa with all her clothes
gone. lust as II she hadn't known l was
coming. Thinking I'd accidentally run
into a private bath-house, / Jerked ma
head around the other way zone eys
still being rolled sideways towards
Stella" however,. but this didn't do
bit Of good. There, hanging on the
wall was a mirror, which reflected every
thing | was trying not to see. 1t was
awful on me and l didn't know to whom
| ought to apologize, for the room, as
| have said, was dark. and at first
1 couldn't see a thing but stella" In
fact. 10 tell the truth, don't believe
[ wanted to see thing but stella" Ann
all the time l kept thinking, Great
Scott, wouldn't the old lady give me hts
IL she caught me here"
BY and by, after 1 had blushed all the
cochineal out of my composition, l got
somewhat used to the gloom, and could
distinguish the objects around me-that is,
when | could find the time to stop look
ing at the picture. Gradually-by slow
degrees-I recognized I'm the darkness the
pro6les of all the deacons In my church,
and this kinder pacfied me and made me
feel more free and easy like. Ihen L
settled myself right down, and dldn
do a thing but look at stella she Is
beautiful-shockingly delightfully."-, fasci-
natingly, and wickedly beautlful-and Is
an exquisite exemplfication OF what soap
can do for humanity 1 can't believe
however, that she ever attended Sunday
school. or that her ma knew she was out.
She IS one woman who looks Ike she
really don't care whether she has Worth
gown or not-in fact. nothing short or a
Garden OF Eden would suit her, ana, gem
tlemen. | guess I'll have TO own up anu
| say that when she procures that Garuen
| ia give a powerful sight Of money TO
| have the Job Of hoeing potatoes III H.
| There's a smile on her face when seems
| 10 say: shall 1 send around TOT your
| trunk, old codger?" or course, couidh
| look at the picture and the renectloh'
| too. and so, towards the last, i got 10
4
| ewes in the back of my head, like bot
| tle-fy. Everybody / know Is going 70
| see "Stella"-ladies. gentlemen. ana all
| and some few people have even con-
| demned her Most OF these latter take
mighty good pains TO go to see heI hrsl'
| and TO condemn her afterwards. For my
part. I'm not "agin" Der, and now that
warm weather is coming on don thihh
| she's liable to catch cold, so where's any
| harm In her going around as she uoes
Maybe she stopped wearing clothes u
| save money. My temperament - soI
| thoroughly artistic to say a word pehlhu
| the lady's back, and right here III re-
| quest you, dear correspondents. to ADDRESS
| ali nv mail care Stella east Broad
street" for the next week or so.
|
| There is within my composition an inde-
nnabIe something-a sort OF turtle-doVe
| nhilanthropy-Whic draws the pubic %
| me. and Outlines prompts them to pour
| into nv elephantine ear the story OF their
ioys and sorrows. Even as l walk the
| streets. with my overlong trousers cut
| ting out at the bottom and my shoes be-
! coming more and more run down at the
| heel this sweet benevolence of my coun'
| tenance attracts the populace. and many
| are the citizens who, burdened with grief
| land dirt fly to my bosom for RELIEF. l
| am a sort Of father confessor put here on
| this earth TO listen to the schemes OF
| other. people and 10 be bored 10 DEAN.
| For wears, yes, long before the war ROBBED
me of the little niger who used to black
nv boots, l have suffered myself 10 be
| n sort OF human phonograph to be talked
| at and talked into. Experience and time
| ought to have toughened me, just as II
| does the flesh of the debutante pullet
1
| barn-yard, but I'm afraid 1t hasn't. A
| least. | could stand everything If people
| and Young men, especially-didn't under
| take to confide their love affairs to me
! The responsibility OF such secrets, to
| Rether with continued society rounds II
| Fulton, is wearing me away. The straw
| berry blossoms on my nose have withered
| and my cheeks are as pale as those OF tht
| little marble angels which do so much L
brighten and enliyen tombstones. But, q
return to my subject: This thing Of beinl
| inspector-general for every love anal
that's going on in Richmond is a powerful
strain.
Every blessed day OF my blessed use
| full life, just when I'm most busily &C
cupied in trying to make the boss thini
he couldn't get along without me, SOM
sentimental young man drops into M
Office, and, planting himself into my pc
revolving chair, remarks: II want 4
see you privately when you are at lei
sure" Then know what's coming. IT
SO more for some preacher and al
hours loss OF time for me. When l ap
preach the visitor draws up. and layin
his head confidingly on my bosom (alia
chest alias craw) says rapturously: TN
going TO marry her, old man" l jun
up like l have sat upon tack. This
one OF my decetful tricks. II make
him think I'm surprised, whereas kne'
exactly what was coming. And then
have to hear 1t all-that she is the oni
girl I'm this world, and that they're goin
TO live with his ma Ga sure sign G
trouble, by the way and that she make
lovely ples-just as IL man and VIII
could go through life forever blendin
their energies In the destruction OF pl'
And thon, after he has eulogized ne
with all the praises that even an obitJ
airy notice can command, he proceeds
talk to me about the finances and 10 te
me how they propose TO get along on $
a month"; thing / would really like yer
much to know He says he's been ea
trayagant hitherto and that he Away
threw his money away, but that now \
proposes 10 get some one who VIII hel
| him save It. / let him cherish the ma
lucInation and purr occasionally to IND
cate my deceltful appreciation.
1 do not tell him all the mathema'les
peculiarities that attach 10 the ngur
,,,ban IA divided by QycS an