Rock Island Argus., 1895-09-06
A NOVEL GUARANTEE.
A COMPANY THAT FURNISHES GER.
cd. TiFIcATES TO WOOERS.

rtaxeable Dauxhter-Eather Ono Sided,
rs tho Wife Is Not Bound-An Inter.
vsewsr of Whom Something Was known.
Seeing the sign over the door. I enter.
ei. IF you wish to confer with the
president, sir" said the young man ir
front, lyon will find him in his private
Office" and thanking him I entered the
rear room, where q pleasant faced man
greeted me cordially.
won't You be scated?" he said,
grasping no by tho hand. "Is your
business-er-confide
'Not at ALL" replied. Gas I was
passing by thought l would stop in
and inquire into the nature and scope
of the Lovers Guarantee company,
which sec advertised SO extensively. :"
Certainly, he responded II shall
be only too glad to inform You what we
are here for. The Lovers Guarantee
company was formed for the purpose Of
securing good husbands to all maidens
matrimonially inclined, and the great
success we have met with thus fer
proves that there Is an excellent reason
for our existence. The average man Of
affairs has little time to look up the
character and antecedents Of the young
fellow who applies for his daughters
hand. Wo look him up, and if he is sat-
isfactory he gives rs q bond, which en-
titles him TO certificate guaranteeing
him to DO all that he claims. This bond
may be good for five or ten years A
mans financial status is of course easy
to determine, but it is into the finer at
tributes of character that we examine
particularly. Our certificate is an abso-
lutte guarantee of the man. OF course
we have to be particular. for should the
wife at any time insist upon q separa-
tion and show cause under the contract
We would have to pay all her legal ex-
or make over to her certain payments. "
but suppose, said /, latter the
man is married of, there develops some
hidden trait. some idiosyncrasy that
causes unhappiness, but not separation,
what Go you do them"
"Such cases." replied the president
Of tho Lovers Guarantee company, 'arc
rare, but Of course they do occur. In q
case like this we examine into the cause
of tho difficulty, and If the man be
wrong the fact that he is under bond
gives Us a power over him, and generally
we bring him to terms"
But" said I, suppose the woman
in tho case is wrong:'
''This," explained the president, sis
extremely unfortunate. as we have no
means of reaching her direct, having no
power over her We can, however, ad-
wise the man what to do, generally with
most felicitous results. As rule, these
differences come from ignorance on both
sides. Whero they gre extreme and
separation is advisable we have in our
employ the best lawyers, and divorces
are obtained In the most private way.
"Wo have in our employ one of the
most eminent phrenologists in the coun-
try, who examines the heads of all ap-
plicants. Our head physician. who gave
up large practice to come with Us, has
a growing staff Of assistants, and these
look carefully into the physical condi-
tion of the applicants. You may depend
upon it that when al applicant has sue
cessfully run the gantlet we lay out for
him he will make n good husband. We
advise all young married people to have
homes of their own, no matter how
humble, and have a home bureau through
which member can obtain advice on
the most desirable way to live, the best
locations, a list of houses and apart
ments and the lowest rents. By this
means we are enabled to make an ar
rangcment with landlords so that our
patrons can obtain certain discounts and
privileges. Were you thinking-ahem!
of entering upon tho new life?'
"Oh, no." l replied modestly. "I am
already married. and. added laugh
ingly, 1don't suppose cases of this sort
come under your Jurisdiction.
Indeed they do, :" replied the presi.
dent of tho Lovers Guarantee company.
1--WE have lately formed a department
for tho benefit of married people and
find it to be n great success. For a small
sum yearly, in advance. We furnish Ia
dies with advice as 20 the proper man.
agement of husbands and direct them
how to act in special emergencies. For
instance, should husband be called
away too frequently at night ON bust
ness, iinbibe too freely-I may say this
Is one OF our greatest obstacles-or
should he become i'll natured or non.
tractable, we tell her what to do"
is this department secret?''
mot a. all" he responded Indeed
we invite publicity. Such is our repu-
tation that the mere fact made known
to man that his name is on our books
will have \ tendency to bring him tc
his Senses
my dear SIR" said warmly as u
rosc to go. "you are accomplishing a
great work, and am glad called in to
sec you" Then, thanking him, was
about to depart when he stopped ne
courteously.
Excuse me-" he said, ''but would
you mind giving me your name? al
ways like to take down the names of all
our friends"
Certainly not" said I. Il would
just as soon as not, as it Is just possible
I may want to advise witt, roy, ,prsoH