Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1895-09-09
JUST FOR FUN.

| IL UI0 uOSG.
In the matter of hair dressing, why
shouldn't we take the queue from the
Chinese?
We hate our own sins most when we
see them walking around in the shoes
of somebody else.
The bass drum is an empty affair,
and yet it makes more noise than any
other instrument in the band.
First Drummer-Why do you speak
of this hotel as ''The Fiddler" Second
Drummer-Because it's vile inn.
She-Have you ever loved another?
He-Yes; of course. You didn't think
I'd practice on nice girl like you?
He (reading)-Ands so they are mar
ried. That is the way all love match
es end. She Yes; they don't burn
| long.
Fractions is awful tough, said Tom
my. I'll be glad when Pm man like
| he has.
"Papa,'' said a laxative little girl,
lam 1 made of dust?" ''No, my child,
if you were, you would dry up once in
whilen
So you married Algernon, after all?
Yes; tried to be patient and all that;
but just couldn't bear to have him
with me so much.
The circus holds an unconquerable
sway over human interest. 1t is the
kind of ring rule that a man never
can get away from.
Mr.-What month is it in which it
is unlucky to be married? Mrs.-Great
Scott! what poor memory you have,
my dear We were married in Jnne.
Mrs. Suburb = Why in the world
don't you grease that lawn mower Of
yours? Neighbours hired MANTLE
missis told me not to till you had your
pianer tuned.
"Did you receive an affectionate
wife?" ayes, but she didn't waste any
words. She merely wrote, Glove!
Send me 500.
Sunday school teacher-Why did the
naughty children mock the Prophet
Elisha when he went up the hill? Lit
tie Johnnie-Because he had to get off
his wheel and walk.
Little Dot don't see how COWS can
eat grass. Little Dick-T s'pose when
they is young, the mother COW keeps
saying to her children, If you don't
eat grass you shan't have any pie.
Clerk-that gentleman you sold a
bottle of hair dye to three weeks ago
was here again to day. Druggist-Was
he after another bottle? No, sir. He
wanted to know if we kept wigs.
''Well," said the camel in the circus
parade, ''there's some comfort for
me, after ALL" "What do you mean?"
''My hump is pretty bad, but it might
be worse. don't ride bicycle. "
Customer = You give light weight.
That pound of evaporated peaches
you sold me did not weigh over three
quarters. Dealer-Well, mum, didn't
warrant them not to go on evaporat-
ing.
Cannibal (to captured missionary
Have you any particular wish before
you are dished up? Missionary 4
should like to deliver one more lee
ture On the advantages of a vegetarian
diet.
Doctor-Well, my little fellow, you
have got quite we'll again. was sure
that the pills I left you would cure
you. How did you take them, in wa
ter or in cake? Oh, used them in my
blow gun.
You ought to have apologized to the
lady for stepping on her foot, said his
mother, after the caller had gone.
did, answered Willie; 1 told her
was sorry she couldn't keep her feet
out of my way.
'tWeI," said the good natured man,
as the friend of former days left the
room, 81 am S4 ahead on that trans
action" "Wny, he borrowed dol
lar" eyes, but [ thought he was go
ing to ask for five"
Hoods Pills cure liver ills, biliousness,
indigestion, headache. pleasant laxative
all druggists.