The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1895-01-09
WIT AND HUMOR.

pOon.
Miss Elderly-I shall never marry.
Laura-Probably not; but you have
made brave tight.-LJe.
Kennard-I wish l were rumor.
Lucie-Why SOP Kennard-So that
might gain currency.-TTWth.
The world is full of people who want
to do good. but they are in no hurry
about making the tart.-Raae's Horn.
Patient - Doctor, what's good for
dyspepsia Doctor-Irregular eating
and ll-cooked food. Two dollars, please.
Detroit Free Press.
$50 your oldest son holds position
of trust, eh? Cashier in a bank?"
Mop; manager of big installment
house. "-Bufalo Courier.
are telling the truthP Witness-Be
jabers, you wudn't be so hot about it if
Oi wasn't.-N Y. Weekly.
Sailor (detiantly) will take more
than you to hold me, I'll tell you. Can
nibal (signifcantly)-Oh, shall invite
few friends.-Detroit Tribune.
Doc D. Ito jeweler)-I brought back
this engagement ring that / bought yes
terday. Jeweler-Didn't it suitp Doc
d. Ididn't.-PbiIGdelph phiG Record.
An exchange announced on the death
of a lady "that she lived fifty years with
her husband and died in the confident
hope of better life.-Teras Sttings.
Visitor-When you are a man what
do you want to bean author, like your
papaP Johnny (who had Just been
thrashed) mo; a critic. FEiegende BEat-
ter.
When Johnny was aroused from his
morning nap by his papa's heavy hand
he understood what was meant by be-
ing raped in slumber.-Boston Tran
script.
Pastor-You ought to be ashamed of
stop drinking! Toper-So do I when
drink what they d. Woonsocket Re-
porter.
Some folks would never have any
gold if they had to dig for it, and never
any sunshine if they had to crawl out
of the shade to find it.-AtIa1ata CoaSts-
tuition.
what dye find on the body?" "A
copy of Ibsen's poems, pair of eyeglass-
es. a Santa Fe stock certif"- "Tele-
graph to Boston - Philadelphia Ias-
Quirer.
Husband - Another milliner billP
Why, paid one only day before yes
terdayl Wife-Day before yesterday ?
Goodness, how time fies!-Fliege1ade
Bkdtter.
As rule, man can make everything
better than he can make an excuse,
10 haff nN
than she can make anything else
Atchtso1s Globe.
As soon as his engagement is an
nounced the average young man be-
gins to observe that there are other girls
besides his betrothed who are pretty
Atchison Globe.
"And were the ladies of the audience
melted in tears?" "Were they? I
don't believe there was complexion in
the house that wasn't dissolved. DE
troit Tribune.
A listle girls father had round bald
spot kissing him at bedtime not long
ago, she said: "Stoop down, popsy; I
want to kiss the place where the lining
shows.-TSt-Bsts.
Wife-I thought you were going fish
ingP Husband am, but I'm going
to get some bait, first. Wife-Remem-
Der, William, you signed the pledge
Detroit Free Press.
Friend-What is your father doing
now, JimmyP Jimmy-FatherP Doin'p
Les see-this is Sadderday-I s'pect he's
tryin' to borrer So bill about now
Cleveland PLGindealer.
"Dah's one respect" said Uncle Eben,
''in which er man is boun' ter be giner-
Gus. He KANT mex trouble foh hisse'f
wifout gibbin' somebody else share in
it, Washington Star.
Amiable professor Ito his servant)-
For three weeks l have reminded you
every day to- buy me notebook. Hence
forth / shall remind you of it only once
aweek.-FESegessde BIGtter.
Kitty-An the girls were crazy over
that foreign count, but he fell in love
with Ada the moment he saw her in a
decollete gown. Tom-Yes, 1 under
stand she says she won by neck
Truth.
AS the Bells Tolled the Midnight
Hour.-He-Pm awfully poor you
know. She-Well, don't want tc
hurt your feelings, but 1 can lend you
~ SCAIo 4OA NCbA 4chACI IL JOO VIII OhI AS'
me.-Life.
Mrs Bacon-As came up the street
saw the policeman on his beat with his
arm around lamppost. The Cook
Yes, ma'am; that's way he has wher
he's thinking of me, ma'am. Yo7aEert
Statesman.
Uncle Josh-Did any of them robbers
git holt Of yew when you was in New
York; Uncle Si- No, by gosh! Every
time seen one of them p'lice dodgec
into hallway or somethin'. Indian
dpotiS Journal.
First Cockroach-Better move over tx
my house. Second Cockroach-Why
First Cockroach-Our folks have SOM
of the most delightful new insecticides
1t is perfect symphony in taste to ca
them.-Detroit Post.
"You don't pay any taxes" sneeret
the plutocrat. mo, but I pay revenue,
rejoined the poet proudly. woul'
have you to know, sir, that on one ten
line poem alone paid 80 cents postag
in one Indianapolis Journal.
Tell us, cried the group of maidens
tractive!" THAT is Just dead easy" re
PIlCu bnO SdSOJ WlGAOu0 ONOA LA
eyes from his book Sect forum
and stay single. Indianapolis Jour
nal.
"What was the first money you eve
earned, HicksP" Money didn't get,
said Hicks. my mother cut off M
curls when was a small boy and wor
'em herself. 1 must have saved he
thirty or forty dollars. ."-Rarper's Bo
gar.
Mother" sobbed the young bride
she is just as mean as he can bel" "Nc
he isn't, dear" said the mother sootE
ingly. "a man can't really develop a
his meanness till he has been marie
four or five years. Indianapolis Jou'
nal.
Proud Mother-Little Dick is th
most ingenious boy. He'll be gret
inventor. Practical Father-H he hs
a bent for experimenting rll make
doctor of him. A doctor gets paid fc
I Il