Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1895-07-01
JUST FOR FUN.

81 Iuduy IV0S.
A certain city boasts of man who
is so cold blooded that a dog which
bit him in the leg had all his front
teeth frozen.
Mother-If Mrs. Johnson calls, Jem
my, say Pm not at home. Jenny
Oh, dare say! And then you'll give
me a whacking.
81 hear, Miss Impecune, that you
have the bicycle craze" eyes. That
is, I have the craze, but Pm sorry to
say, haven't the BICYCLE
New Boarder-What's the row up
stairs? Landlady Its the professor
of hypnotism trying to get his wife's
permission to go out this evening.
A lazy fellow falling distance of
fifty feet and escaping with only few
scratches, a by ISLANDER remarked that
he was too slow to fall fast enough to
hurt himself.
Stern father of the girl saw you
kiss my daughter as passed the par
lor awhile ago, and 1 want you to
| know I don't like it. Young man-You
may not, but do.
Landlord Prospective Ten
anti like the top floor best. Why
doesn't the fire escape go lower than
the third floor? Agent 1t isn't needed.
The first three floors are empty.
LADY, want some tea, Mary. [
suppose mamma did not leave the tea
caddy unlocked! Mary No, miss;
but I know where missus keeps the
key. Tt is under the clock in the study.
Perdita If you continue much
longer to~play poker with my father, [
won't marry you. Jack Dasher-If
your father continues to play poker
much longer with me, won't need to.
Father Fritz, I saw you helping
home an intoxicated student last ev
ening. Don't do it again. It makes
bad impression. Fritz-Oh, that's all
right. I only did it to get even with
him.
Mrs. Magun-I came across one of
y
you said that you would rather be in
endless torment with me than be in
bliss by yourself. Mr.. Magun-Well,
my dear, got my wish.
Mamma-Now, Jack, there are ten
commandments you have to keep. If
you took thing that wasn't yours,
you'd break commandment. Jack
remembering something about some
little niggers), And then there'd be
nine!
Gigantic Footman Did you ring,
ma'am? Tender hearted and Impul-
sive Lady Yes, Thomas. You see
this poor kitten the children have
found? 1t is motherless. Get
some milk, Thomas, new like its
mother, and feed it.''
~ have kinder had my doubts, "said
Mr.. Jason, as he removed his Sunday
best after his visit to the city. ''I
kinder have my doubts whether
brother Bills son TUX me around and
showed me the town or whether he
showed the town me.
Mrs. Crimsonbeak = Why is it, l
wonder, that woman will always
turn to TIE end of novel and read
the last page first, before reading any
other part of it? Mr.. Crimsonbeak-
Her propensity to get the last word,
I suppose leads her to it.
"Going to the Throat and Ear ball,
Mrs. Clarendon" "No; we are en-
gagged to the Incurable Idiots.'' 'EThen
perhaps I may meet you at the Epi-
leptic dance on Saturday." ooh yes;
we are sure to be there. The Epilep-
tic stewards are SO delightful!"
A Pennsylvania Dutchman, who
married his second wife soon after the
funeral of the first, was visited with
two hours serenade, in token Of dis
approval. He expostulated pathetic
ally thus: 81 say, poys, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself to pc making
all dis noise ven dar vas funeral here
so soon.
He was taken sick in the night, and
in her youthful ignorance she made
two mustard plasters, and put one on
his chest and one between his shout
ders: and then with horrid sarcasm,
she asked him how he felt. But he
was we'll bred man, and merely said
that he realized with tenderness he
had never known before the true po-
sition of a sandwich in the community.