The Scranton tribune. [volume] (Scranton, Pa.) 1891-1910, 1895-10-28
Shrewd C0ndy Cullen
And His Trick.
On Excise Officers.
William Carleton Tells How He
Got Some Good Whisky.


'"The boy speak of you must have
met" said Stinton. ITS not five min
utes-no. not more than three, since he
came inside the field.''
'HThat my feet may grow to the
ground, then, IL l seen a boy in or about
this place, widin that time, barrin' my
self"
The gauger eyed him closely for a
short space. and pulling out half a
crown, said: '-Harkee, my lad, word
with YOU In private"
The fact is, that during the latter
part of this dialogue, the worthy excise
man observed the cautious distance at
which the boy kept himself from the
grasp Of him and his companion. A
suspicion consequently began to dawn
upon him that, in defiance Of appear
ances. the lad himself might be the
actual smuggler. On reconsidering the
matter, this suspicion almost amounted
to certainty; the time was to short to
permit even the most ingenious cheat
to render himself and his keg invisible
in "a manner so utterly unaccOuntable.
On the other hand, when he reflected
on the open, artless character or the
boys song, the capriciOus change to
to a light-hearted whistle. the surprise
so naturally, and the respect so defer
entially expressed, Joined to the dis
similarity Of dress, he was confounded
again and scarcely knew on which side
to determine. Ever the lads reluctance
to approach him might proceed from
fear of the whip. He felt resolved,
however, to ascertain this point, and
with the view of getting the lad into his
hands he showed him a half crown
and addressed him as already stated
The lad, on seeing the money, appear
cd to be instantly caught by it, and
approached him as II 1t had been bait
he could not resist. a circumstance
which again staggered the gauger. In
moment, however. he seized him.
Come now," said he, unbuttoning
his coat; you will oblige me by strip
ping"
'Nnd why so?" said the lad. with a
face which might have furnished a
painter or sculptor with a perfect notion
Of curiosity. perplexity and wonder
"Why so?" replied Stinton. 1--WE
shall-we shall soon see."
surely you don't think I've hid the
keg about me?" said the other. his fea-
tures now relaxing into such an appear
ance Of utter simplicity as would have
certainly made any other man than a
gauger give up the examination as
hopeless.
mo, no." replied the gauger; "by no
means, you young rascal. See here,
Cartwright" he continued, addressing
his companion-"the keg. my precious"
again turning to the lad-"Oh, no, no,
it would be cruel to suspect you of any
thing but the purest simplicity. Look
here, Cartwright having stripped the
boy of his coat and turned 1t inside out
there's coat-theres thrift-there' s
IA, UN0na c
instantly; here, I shall assist you-up
with your arms-straighten your neck;
1t will be both Strengthened and stretch
ed yet, my cherub. What think you
now, Cartwright? Did you ever see
q metamorphosis in your life so quick
complete and uneXpected?"
His companion was certainly as
tonished in no small degree on seeing
the red coat, when turned. become a
comfortable gray frieze; one precisely
such as he who bore the keg had on.
Nay, after surveying his person and
dress a second time, he instantly recog-
nized him as the same.
"Now," continued the gauger, adj
dressing the boy again, "lose not mo-
ment in letting us know where you've
hid the keg."
1.-THE sorra bit of it hid-it fell off
} me an lost it; sure, I'm lookin' after
It myself, so ann" and he moved over
while speaking, as IL pretending to
search for 1t In a thin hedge, which
could by no means conceal 1t.
Cartwright" said the gauger, did
you ever see anything SO perfect as this,
30 ripe a rascal? You don't understand
1im now. Here, you simpleton, harkee
sirrah, there must be no playing the
lapwing with me; back here to the same
point. We may lay 1t down as a sure
thing that whatever direction he takes
from this spot is the wrong one; so
back here, you, sir, till we survey the
premises about us for your traces
The boy walked sheepishly back and
appeared to look about him for the
keg with a kind Of earnest stupidity
which was altogether inimitable.
II say. my boy" said Stinton, 'front.'
cally. don't you look rather foolish
now? Can you tell your right hand
from your left?"
II can." replied Condy, holding up
his left; there's my right hand"
And what do you call the other?"
said Cartright.
my left, bedad, anyhow, an that's
true enough"
Both gentlemen laughed heartil,H
But it's carrying the thing a little
meantime let us hear how you prove
it?"
"Aisy enough. SIR" said Condy. "be-
kase am left-handed, This" holding
up the left, ''is the right hand to me,
whatever you may say to the con-
thrary."
Condy's countenance expanded after
he had spoken into grin so broad and
full of grotesque sarcasm that Stinton
and his companion both found their
faces. in spite Of them, get rather blank
under its influence.
'What the deucev' exclaimed the
gauger. "Are we to be here all day?
Come, sir, bring us at once to the keg."
He was here interrupted by a laugh
from Cartwright. so vociferous, long
and hearty that he looked at him with
amaZement
Hey deyw he exclaimed. whats
the matter, what's the matter-what
new Joke Is this?"
In reply to this question Cartwright
simply PORTED to a certain mark,
barely vEsibly upon the hoar frost,
which mark extended down the furze
bushes THAT grew at the foot OF the
slope where they then stood.
AS q stancah old hound lays his nose
to the trail OF a hare or fox, so did the
gauger pursue the trace OF the keg
down the little hill, for the fact was that
Condy. having no other resource,
trundled It off toward the furze. into
which 1T settled perfectly to his satis-
faction and with all the quicknees Of
youth and practice, instantly turned for
such recounters. This accomplished,
ne had barely time to advance few
yards round the angle of the hedge, and,
changing his whole manner. as well as
his appearance, acquitted himself as
the reader has already seen. That he
could have carried the keg down to the
cover. then conceal It and return to the
spot where they met him was utterly
hnnr,Sad thn ssoonh az hlsnsnsn AxAssAi< i<,.s