The Neihart herald. [volume] (Neihart, Mont.) 1890-1901, 1895-12-07
ON TOP NOW.
How the Git Edge Girls Were Fsvors5
by Circumstance.

by circumstances.
Appendicitis Is a very modern, very er
pcBsiye ard tremendously fashionable all
meDt, and it's social possibilities are Him.
itatIe.
An ordinary citizen suddenly feels q
pain In his side, and he Is told By hi.
friends he has dropped q stitch" or has
rheumatism or pleurisy, and he forthwith
goes TO bed In a dreadfuIly bad temper and
sends for a doctor. The doctor COMES in
n hurry, feels his pulse, squints ut his
tongue, orders pills, mustard plastcrs and
q number Of vile tasting and expensive
nostrums, tells him to keep his feot dry.
cuts off his cigars, whisky and other pleas
ures, collects $40 and hustles Of TO STE ,
colicky baby.
TX the patient be a man Of means, with
a fashionable wife and ambitious dauph,
tiers. the wise physician approaches his
prey carefully and silently sits down sol
emnly by the bedside, feels the victims
pulse, looks at his gold watch, purses his
lips and says, Mimi" He rises with a
deep Sigh, looks at the startled wrctch's
tongue, shakes his head sadly and slowly,
stalks out OF the bedchamber with his
hands behind his zach and his eyes on tho
carpet, followed by the alarmed family.
The anxious wife looks at him appealing
ly and demands to know the worst.
Madam" says the doctor firmly, you
must get n trained nurse at once"
Certainly, DOCTOR" answers the fright,
ened woman, but tell me, doctor-I am
bis wife-he Ia their fatber-what is it,'
Madam" the doctor responds trag-
ically-aye, Boothly-''Mr. GiItedgs has a
severe case Of appendicitis"
EkIftafE W.. 81 - - n
Appendicitis, madam. But we will
pull him through. / will cali in DR.. Car
yer at once. Meantime secure Miss Ban,
dago, the nurse who lives at that address, -
handing her a card. "Sh3 has a great deal
OF experience In such cas,s. She is simply
Invaluable. ! will call az lin this evening
with DIR. Carver. Good morning" And
OH no goes on his career OF raplne.
The fashionable wife sits down in a
blissful state OF grief, and calling her
daughters around her announces with
mingled pride, and sorrow: Girls, DR..
Pilling says your poor, dear pa has appon-
dicitia. 1t - q genuine case. There is TO
DO an operation. but wo must bear our
trial bravcly."
The girls try to look sad and serious.
but tho unl,oly Joy Of social triumph Is
written in their faces. Appendicitis Is the
trade mark Gf the phrase Is permissible
" tho genuinely arlstocrat, an ailment
generated only I'm blue blood. Nobody on
the street ever had it. Old Cotton-of tho
Maylowcr Cottons-claimed to nave had
1t, but DR.. Pilling had limited that It was
merely s~ciatlcn. Tho young ladies order
cd out tho carriage at once to carry the
painful Intelligence to all their fashion
able foes, and Mrs. Giltcdgc gave orders
that She was at home to no ono, instruct.
Ing her servants to allow nobody to know
that Mr.. Giltcdgo was dangerously i'll with
Appendicitis. Giltcdge himself lies abed
up stairs as amiablo as a Wall street bear
IN n rising market using language.
In the evening n servant man and car
riagc go for Miss Bandagc, and Quillby,
who does tho social swim business for
Tho Gazette, receives an anonymous note
announcing that GiltCdRe has appendicitis.
When DIR. Carver arrives with DIR. Pill
Ing all tho street Is agOg and the fashion
nblo surgeon confirms the diagnosis Of his
confederate and tells Giltedgo blandIy
that at 10 O'Clock next morning no will
operate on him. After Instructions to
Miss Bandagc, who Is impressive IN cap
and apron, the worthy Ioechcs depart.
Giltedgc, being merely a man who hates
society" does not enjoy the distinction
no Is comforting on his family. lie stig-
matizcs Carver as Il butcher and pilling
ns II quack and behaves in u s~hocking,y
common md vulgar way about the whole
thing.
In tho morning Giltedee Is duly ether
tied, chIoroformcd or laughing gascd.
Carver, dressed In white like n sacrincial
priest, fondles his ribs lovingly, knife In
hand. Pulling looks on, wisely laden with
spongc5. An assistant holds "A miniature
birdcago over the victims nose and mouth
to dam profanity, while Miss Bandage
floats around like n white vision, doing
general utility business. Tho drama be-
gins. Carver, with knife, opens up Gilt
cdgo, using n lot Of long words for tho
small things hoCuts off, and finally hoists
a wrotchcd littlo bag out Of Giltcdgc's
anatomy, which he calls tho vermiform
appendix. Some vermiforms and so forth
have nothing In them. Others have peas,
chcstnuts, bascballs, duck shot, coffee kor.
ncls, cherry stones and other trincs In
them. Ono man developed n pearl In his
--ho had n passion for clams-and Mrs.
Giltcdge hopes that her husband will cut
up n diamond or at least n unconscious.
Tho surgeon opens tho bag with the air OF
n man opening IA jack pot. Giltedgo has
como out Of his opium joint and is being
plastcrcd up.
whats In the blamed thing, Carver"
no asks IN a fccble voice. "A pokor chip
or a brass button?''
ut looks like tho top Of n collar button
or n grape seed" the surgeon says blandly.
Call 1t n collar button, Carver" Gilt.
edge c1claims eagerly. The old lady Is
kicking cvorlastingly about my eating
grapes whole, and II it's a grape seed I'll
never hear tho end Of 1t. Make 1t q collar
button and put 1t In your bill"
And 1t was duly pronounced to be n
small pearl, eaten with oysters, and great
was the glory thereof.
The Giltedso girls hold their heads In the
air rs they pass the Bullions, for appen
dicitis has fixed forever tho status OF the
family, and yet 1t only costs a mere 81, 00L
and u little nbattoir practice on . Will
street bear. Life.
$780, .,~a = ----
Madras-The Eu%rasians.
Only 4, 1000 EurOncanS are tO he