davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Trials of a Teacher.

The school teacher IS very poorly paid
for his wearlsomc work of imparting wis
dom TO his pupils. if many of his pupils
are like the one described in the following
dialogue Tue boy found 1t difficult to
understand simple arithmetic.
Teacher-suppose,f Fritz, you, have. a
stocking ON one foot and you put another
STOCKING on the other foot, how many
would you have ON both feet? ,...5is., .l,..
Boy-I never wear no stockings.
2-supposei your father has one pig in a
pen, and he-buys another pig and puts it
in the pen, how man pigs will there be in
the pena" .'"i-su r-.'.''e'' --1. s,.---,.--.-
"Dad don'tkeep no pigs"
The teacher blew a heavy sigh from his
-tired lips, wiped the preparation from his
scholastic brow, and went at II again WITH
renewed courage.
"suppdse you have one jacket. and at
Christmas your father makes you pres
ent OF another Jacket, how many Jackets
will you have then?" a..,l. .....
..He amt that kind of father. He never
gives nothin' on Ghristmas:i'.--
suppose your mother gives you one
apple, and you have one already, what will
you have then?'' -.sr.r-f's ""1
stomach ache. ouriapples are cookin'
apples "a r..
The teacher was not the man to be dis
couraged at trifles. He began to suspect
that the boy. was not weii up in arithmetic,
but he resolved to make one more effort,
SO be said nHs
ri a poor little beggar boy has a cake.
and you give him one more, how many Will
he have?' -Us
II dunno. / eat my own cakes"
Then the teacher told the children TO go
out and play.-TeXas SiEtngs.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
GRANTS COUNCIL OF WAR.
He Never Said Word, just Sat and
Smoked.
5-Ha! Ha! Ha!

Smoked.
.In one respect Grant" said Col. McFall,
of St. Louis, who served with him before
yicksburg, was a source of great worri-
ment to the commanding officers taking
part in his councils of war" quotes an ex-
change.
This came from his reticence during the
councils, and his prompt individual action
afterward. Grant would sit and listen TO
all the others had to say, smoking his cigar
and occasionally taking a drink as this hos
pitable refreshment might be passed around.
Then, when the talk was all over and
every one had expressed his opinion as to
what should be done, Grant would leave the
tent and go to Rawlins his chief of staff,
and begin issuing orders. No one knew
20 what decision he had arrived, and they
would have no idea what the next movement
was to be until their orders were received
Especially to Gen. John A. Logan, who
commanded the division of which my regi
ment was a part, after Mcpherson was
killed, was this trait of Grants trial.
60 1t all!' Logan would say in his i'm
petuous way, if Grant would only give us
some idea of what he was thinking about!
But no, he just listens without word and
then, when we have told all we know and
think, off he goes to Rawlins, and that's the
last we see or hear of him until his orders
for the next movement come to u.s."
The morning times., 1895-09-22
HAD BEEN THROUGH THE MILL
Working for Jersey Farmers Had No
Attraction for the Tramp.

w OTklT2 lot Jersey rhTHleTS Iiiiu ~ "
Attraction for the Tramp.
When a healthy but hard-up looking
man struck me for n dime as 1 crossed
City Hall park the other afternoon, said
to him:
''Why do you hang around New York and
live in this way, when you could at least
earn yoour board and clothes out in the
country?''
I'm which direction, for instance?" he
asked.
why, go over among the Jersey far
mers. They must want help this time of
year.
''Do you know anything about the Jer-
sey farmers"
''Notmuch: but some of them would surely
give you board and lodging to dig potatoes
or husk corn
They would, eh:" he smiled. My
friend don't you bank ON the Jersey farmer
IL you don't want to get left. I've known
him for these last ten years. See this scar
on my head? Dye notice that l limp in
my walk? See how my nose has been
broken? II dared tn peel off here / could
show you the scars ,s9f twenty different dog
oites."
rs the Jersey farmer TO blame?"
asked.
''You are dead right he Isl" was the re-
ply. I'm take my chances with trolley
cars, police, bicycles, mad dogs, runaways,
cloudbursts and cyclones. but don't want
to run up ag'in no Jersey farmer"
whats wrong with hm?'
II never stopped To find out. Indeed, 1
never had time to stop. About the time
got through the gate and had my tale Of
woe worked up the Jersey farmer and
the Jersey bulldog made it their business
The morning times., 1895-09-22
HE DID THE FAMILY WASHING
New York Man Thoroughly A wed by
His Wife and a Whip.

Ihe telegraph has already told the fact
that Mrs. Catherine McIlvaine. aged forty.
or New York, forced her husband to do the
family washing and ironing. The scene
In the police court before which the husband
was arraigned for objecting to that form of
pettieoat government is not without a
moral r,~ - - -
what have you to say to your wife's
charge?'' asked the Justice.
Just this, your honor" said McIlvafne:
my wife had me arrested because 1 was
man enough to refuse to do the washing
and ironing"
'Whatr' exclaimed Justice Ryan, becom-
ing interested, you were asked to do the
washing?"
ASKED, did you say?' Why your honor,
you amt much acquainted with my wife.
She doesn't ask, she eot.mands, and backs
up her order with horsewhip. Only last
Thursday did whole weeks washing and
she stood over me on Friday and Saturday
with horsewhip and made me do all the
ironing And this was only one OF good
many times, your honor that sne has done
the same thing. She doesn't ask, she doesn't;
she just sails right in with that big snake
whip o hers and makes you do it.
How about that, Mrs. McIlva ine?"
said Justice Ryan, looking at the-wnman
''oh, that's so, what he says" was the
reply. That's all he's good for. I'll tell
you, judge, how it was. You see, can't
keep girl to help me. They won't stay
when he's around, and don't blame 'em
So Just made up my mind I'd get some
good out o. him. 1 told him wouldn't paw
to have the washing done and him loafing
The morning times., 1895-09-22
How He Took 1t.

An exchange tells story of a Scotch min.
ister whose physician ordered him to drink
beef tea. The next day, when the doctor
called, the patient complained that the
s-2ew drink made him sick.
why, Sir" said the doctor, that can't
be. I'll try it myself"
As he spoke he poured some of the tea
into skillet and set it on the fire. Then,
shaving warmed it, he tasted it, smacked
his lips and said:
Excellent, excellentr"
Man. said the minister, sis that the
way ye sup it,"
'of course. What other way should it be
suppit! It's excelleptt'
ut may be guide that way, doctor but
try it wi cream and sugar, man. Try it
wi that and see hoo We like it."
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Razor-Back Hogs.

Bill Nye and friend were one day travel
ing by rail through the south and were look
ing outatthecountrythey passed Suddenly
razor-back hog of the most pronounced
type burst out of the bushes beside the road
ranalong little way and disappeared. Ina
little while another hog did the same thing
Nye saw them. John" said he to his
friend, There goes the other half of that
hog"
You'll hear any number of those razor
back" hog stories when you go down to the
Atlanta Exposition. The one that is really
the best is about the Northern man whosaw
one of the graceful animals rubbing himself
against a tree. ''Fleas?' said he to a
native. .'Oh, no." said the native, Hes
strapping himself"
The morning times., 1895-09-22
-Fliegende Blatter.
A BOX of Bonbons.


I sent my Sweet a box of bonbons rare,
Cupid's CONNECTIONS, colored pink and
green,
Nodded in curious shapes with skillful
care,
Rich as the dainties of an Eastern queen.
Alas, the comfits lasted but a day,
l was forgotten when she threw The box
away.
sent my Rose gay flowers to grace her
room,
Having the whispered prayer beneath
each leaf,
Perchance her pleasure in the pansy's
bloom,
Might send a tender thought to my re-
a.e lief
Again, alas, my fond hopes come to naugbt,
The flowers faded, with them died the
thought.
sent my love my heart-a wounded
thing
Glowing with gentle passion deep and
true
Her answer 1 awaited trembling,
Would she accept it, bid me live anew?
She, laughingly, took my heart and broke
1t, spilled
The honest love for her with which twas
filled.
L. D. Morse, in the "Idler."
Good Morning! OF course, you read
The Evening Times.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
The Doctors Advice

Have you no pen and ink?" said
doctor to poor woman, whose boy he was
attending.
NO"
We'll, have lost my pencil; give me a
bit of chalk"
The doctor chaIked prescription on the
door, telling her to give it to her son when
he awoke.
Take it, my boy, take it," said the old
woman, lifting tue door from its hinges
and carrying it to the poor boy when he
opened his eyes. II don't know how you
are going to do it, but the doctor says il
is good and You had better try to bolt it."
Spare Moments.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
He Knew His Relatives.

a well-known Brooklyn contractor who
died recently came from family of Irish
men noted for their quarrelsome DISPOSE
uons. HIs'lawyer was somewhat surprised
when he read his will to come across a
clause reading:
IF my relatives fight over this viii
when am dead, will write codicil that
Will make their heads swim. New York
Journal.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Earning an Honest Penny.

Miss Lily nestles familiarly on the lap Of a
young gentleman who has been paying his
addresses TO her big sister all through the
springtime of this year.
''Tell me, sir, are you well Off"
yes, my little pet"
Are you very well Off"
why, what difference can it make to you
whether | am rich or not?''
You see my big sister said yesterday that
she would give twenty francs TO know if
you were well off, and should like TO earn
the money It'd Bits.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
6-n! SIS y,
He Was Experienced.

What wonder that Harold Hustleton was
proud and happy. Had he not won the heart
and hand of the fairest and loveliest girl in
the whole town?
Harold could scarcely believe in his good
luck And as he sat by her side and watched
the evening star glimmering family above
the orange flush which marked where the
sun had sunk behind the hills he felt moved
TO ask her the fourteenth question of the
lovers catechism, l. e., How had it hap
pened that she had chosen him out of all the
men in her wide circle of acquaintance to
be responsible for her future happiness?"
Surely she must have known better fel-
lows than he was" he urged; richer and
handsomer and more athletic. Why had she
chosen him?" = .a.. -.t
.''Oh, Harold, you mustn't be too modest" ="
replied Ada, as she gently pushed back the
hair from his forehead You have great
many traits which none of my other friends
possess. You are so thoughtful of my well
fare, so tender and so considerate, so obe-
dient to my slightest wish. i think it was
those things which first won me to you, and
/ have never regretted 1T; for, Harold,
you are simply an ideal lover"
"Oh, my darling, you don't know how
glad / am TO hear you say so," exclaimed
he, as he drew her near to him and kissed
her tenderly.
"Yes, dear, and some day you must let
me meet her and thank her for making you
what you are" continued Ada.
Meet whom? My mother?" asked Har-
old.
"No, Harold, not your mother" she said,
sweetly; II want to thank the girl who
broke you in"-BostoD Traveller.
The morning times., 1895-09-22

TO jump me over the fence and run me into
the next county. Why, I've been found
dead on the Jersey highways fourteen
different times, and there's no giving fig
ures on the tim.s I've been mortally wound
ed! No, stree! Tell me to go to Halifax
if you feel friendly interest in me, but
don't try to work no Jersey farmer job on
the Observation-Disclosures Free Press.
The morning times., 1895-09-22

around, and said for him tn take hold and
do IT, 1 WON'T says he. Won't ye?' says
1, and got the whip"
Then he did it?"
Yes, judge, he did; but it costs more'n
it's worth to keep him at it"
And so you want him punisbed?"
Yes, judge
We'll, wen try him with a month and
see if it will help him."
Thank you, judge and Mrs. Nell
vaine whisked out of court, well pleased,
and Alexander went down to prison.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
His Best Purveyor.

''Stayi"
The grim spectre held his poised dart in
the air.
You don't want to take me-" the sick
alan feebly expostulated.
And why not?" death grimly responded.
Because said the invalid, a gleam Of
nope sliding into his face, because 1 am
TIE man VINO peddies the street ice cream
to children"
The arch enemy lowered his dart and
aowed humhly. I
Pardon me- he said, II did not know
I was troubling one of my best friends -
RocklaDd Tribune /
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Foresight.

II understand you are playing the
races" said his employer. I'VE cannot
permit that, you know"
But am on the inside" explained the
clerk. u always wiD-nearly."
That's just what we're kicking on.
First thing we know you will have enough
money ahead TO feel that you want a raise
h salary. y."-Indianapol journal.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Not His Worst.

"Doyour worstl' she whispered hoarsely.
His heart failed him.
''Do your worsti''
The fateful words rang in his ears and he
was just as anxious as his wife to get rid
of the company who had called, but he
concluded at the last moment to do only
his worst but one.
Accordingly he played, but did not sing
Detroit Tribune.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Happy Thought.

She ION the evening Of the wedding day.
oh, Harry, just look what large piece
of wedding cake has been ,leftl Whatever
!shall we do with 1t?
He'll tell you what, my dear. III
send it to the night watchman at our works;
then 1 win be sure he won't sleep tonight
-staatsanzeiger.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Bike 1t Is.

A sensitive stickler for the eternal fitness
of things objects in print to the word
bike" because il is not contraction of
the word for which tits used. He is in favor
Of "bice" or ''cike" if there must be an a b.
breviation. 1t is bike and bike it will
remain despite its uglness and its conflict
with the proprieties.r-Bosto Herald.
The morning times., 1895-09-22

"D'you reckon it's true" asked Mosely
Wraggs, rolling little further in the shade
of the tree as the sunshine caught up with
him, that every feller's got iron in his
blood?"
Course it's true" said Tufford Knutt,
shifting his quid to the other cheek
Then ii must be scrap iron that's in Jim
Corbett's blood rejoined the other, yawn-
ing dismally.-Chicago Tribune
The morning times., 1895-09-22
In the Park.

The gardens and the cycle paths
A close resemblance bear, ~'-rf7@
For now the flower-beds are clothed
With blooming plants so fair;
While DER the winding wheeling course
Devotees of the fad
On graceful "bikes' fair nlaidens speed
Likewise with boomers Clad fs9sr.
William Girard Chapman. jr, in Judge
The morning times., 1895-09-22
A Kind Husband.

"wifey, dear, have just bought you two
day"
Wine"
We'll, then, III drink i,-myself to your
good health. It'd Bits.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Appreciation of Ruins.

This place." observed the guide, show.
ing his American visitor through the
mouldy castle, lis over 500 years DID,"
is that all?" said the American, shifting
the air incredulously. 1t smells older"
Chicago Tribune. Il
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Cnanswera

"what rot this third term is! Cleveland
hasn't said he wants it"
Nope. Ever hear girl at party offer
to play a piano?"
"N-no."
Ever hear one say she couldn't, ~ she
had a sprained finger, n so on?''
yves"
Well"
"WhatT you take?"-N. Y. Recorder.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
No More Risks.

st. Peter-walk right in, Mrs. Flatte, you
are expected.
Mrs. Columbus Flatte (of New York,
esitatinglyl-Ah-yes certainly! BY the
way, are those clouds ashes tos?-Judge.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Costlier Thana Pre-

Costlier Thana Presidential Campaign
The Spanish campaign in Cuba is reported
| 10 have cost $40, ZOO, 900 up to date, and
| hasn't even carried a precinct.-San Fran
| cisco Call.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
InlpOssible.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS accuses you of
having bitten-his hand.
Prisoner-That is impossible, sir; / am
a avegetarian-New York World.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Many More.

Bighead-It is wonderful how many.
things we have to take on trust in this
life.
Impecune-Yes,- a great many more than
we can get on trust.-Truth.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Alabama Editorial Bliss.

The Greenville Advocate force surrounded
two large water melons the other day and
were happy. After effects not reported
Mobile News.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
The worst-we Have Seen.

Poor Valkyrie! And they say her noble
owner was furious. We wonder il he has
Dunraven yet.-Philadelphia Record.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
A Grent Success.

Sawdley-snaggs says he is failure as
far as success is concerned.
Criffs-In other words he's a success as
far as failure is concerned.-Boston Cou-
rier.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Love.

Cynic-Love blinds man.
Chappie-Not If he happens to be girls
father instead of her lover-Truth
The morning times., 1895-09-22

Good Morningi OF course, you read
The Evening Times.
The morning times., 1895-09-22

Good Morning. OF course, you read
The Evening Times.
The morning times., 1895-09-22
Right You Are.

hath you take?"-N. Y. Recorder.
The morning times. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1895-1897, 1895-10-06
Notes From tine Comma nd-.

A special meeting of the brigade board
of examiners was held Friday night to
pass on the qualifications of Private H.
d. King, Company d, Third Battalion, for
a captaincy.
Lieut.. Chisholm, Company H, Sixth Bat
TALON, has applied for thirty days leave
OF absence
The Ordway Rifles gave an entertain
ment In Metzerott Hall Wednesday night
The Corcorans' military fete is boom
Ing. Carpenters are busy building the
booths
You can hear any amount of kicking
about the new range. Bear in mind the
fact that the range Is being run without
money. Maybe that accounts for num-
Der of unpleasant things.
They say that two of the sharpshooters
of Company B, Second Battalion, are eX-
trenely i'll. They were at Sea Girt and
got home all right Tuesday, however.
their captain. who doesn't brag of being
a shot, went down to the range and simply
wiped up the earth with them. Capt.
Oyster is too fleshy to lie down. and at
500 yards he shot off-hand. Beat them at
that, too. Where are you at, boys:
The morning times. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1895-1897, 1895-10-06

who are anxious to play, and among thoss
already in practice are: Scrivener, Z.
II. Reizenstein, Ludwig, r. Searle, Pitt
Saum. Damann, G. NJ. Parke, Harry King
and c. Moore.
The game of baseball arranged with the
Pension Office team for Thursday last was
postponed to the coming week, owing to
misunderstanding about the grounds.
On Wednesday evening next Will be
given the regular ladies' night.
committee is at work arranging de-
tails for a big smoker to be given this
month, and il is proposed TO Guido all pre-
vious efforts in this line. The committee
having the matter in charge consists of
Capt. Ludwig, L. Hirsh, A. King, NJ. OPP
penheimer and Harry Rothchild-
At a meeting of the board of governors
held on Wednesday last the reports of Off
GERS showed the club to be in flourishing
condition, both financially and In member.
ship. Six new members were elected.
GEORGETOWN COLLEGE ATHLETICS.
The athletic field and track of George
town College will be among the largest anu
best in this vicinity when completed. A
large force of workmen are now putting on
the finishing touches and it is hoped that
practice for the fall games may begin there
on q bout the 18th instant.
The annual fall games will be held on or
about November L.
Among those who are now taking practice
and who will be prominent in this seasons
work are j S. Walsh, '9S, in the sprint and
high jump; w. E. Fox, '97, sprints and hur-
dies; William ]. Holt, so, in 40 and $50
yard run; Arthur McElhoDe, medical, y
high jump; Peter Mclaughlin, P. e., and
A. W. Cameron, '99, in mile walk; Frank
Huthchins, law, in bicycle; Andre Scanlon.
law, in broad jump; G. A. MahoDey, medical,
in the shot, hammer and broad jump; W. t.
s. Doyle, '9S, in shot and hammer; F. b.
McAnerny, '9S, in mile run and broad jump;
c. de B. Claiborne, so, in SS0-yard and mile
run; Joe Sullivan, '9I, in mile run and walk.
In addition to the above there is a lot of
new material which gives promise OF do
ing good work.
Robert Dick Douglass, the newly elected
and very capable manager of athletics, will
captain the team and will no doubt get
good work out of the men. In the spring
1t is expected that professional coach and
trainer viii be engaged.
The new track viii be within three yards
ola quarter of a mile; the longest track here
pbouts.
A series of interclass games of football will
begin soon as the cooler weather sets in.
Tracey, last years crack pitcher at Ford
ham College, has entered the law department
and win play on the college team.
Mahoney and Mccarthy, the two cracks
of last years team, have entered the med
ical school.
A strong addition to the baseball team
is A. j. Fleming, from the Cambridge High
School, who has entered the college and
will probably play second base.
In addition to the regular set events OF
the field and track meet on field day there
will be a mile interclass relay race each
class having four men, each to run
quarter mile. The winning team will re-
ceive a swell dinner at the expense OF the
College Athletic Association.
o. P. SCHMIDT.
The morning times. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1895-1897, 1895-10-06
Curious Combine.

The following is made UP entirely from
lines taken from Gray's "Elegy" and Long
fellows Psalm OF Life"
To bear so vast a load of grief
Thy courage, Sisyphus. crave,
My heart against the task is brave,
But art Is long and time is brief.
Farfrom fame'sprouds epulchralarches.
Toward graveyard lone and dumb,
My sad heart, like a muffled drum,
Goes beating slow funereal marches.
Fun many shrouded jewel sleeps
In dark oblivion, lost in deeps,
Unknown to pick or piummet's sound.
Fun many weeping blossom flings
Her perfume, sweet as secret things,
In silent soltudes profound