Bismarck weekly tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, Dakota [N.D.]) 1884-1943, 1895-06-28
HERE and THERE.

Secretary Morton of the agricultural
department was dreadfully wrought up a
day or so ago. A Warsaw, KY, man lost a
$4,000 orchard of peach trees by apply
ing a remedy suggested by the depart
ment and the fact was telegraphed out
to the press. Mr.. Morton was dining on
potted street.car horse and fax-seed
meal, as ar experiment, when the para
graph caught his eye, and he at once
made for headquarters, with a large
horse-steak in one hand and red blood
in his eye. Two hundred and thirty
six employees were discharged on his way
up stairs, twelve volumes of the depart
ment's justly celebrated treatise on"Vac-
cination as a Remedy for Potato Scab'
were thrown threw the stained glass
windows, and seven clerks who came
within reach of the secretary's labored
b%reathings were palsied on the spot.
Upon examination of the record of
remedies which had been sent out in the
previous week, the secretary discovered
an error in the index, whereby powerful
dehorning liniment had been substitut-
ed, enormously, for the peach tree
remedy. The secretary has been pros
trated for two days by the shock.
Again am I called upon to extend CON
dolences to my esteemed friend, Russell
Sage. A verdict of $4,000 damages has
been rendered against him in the LAID
law case, and he has been deprived of
sufficient means to keep him, at his
modest expense Of existing, for a period
of 5000 years, at a single blow. Russell
has had several reverses of fortune
within the past few months, but not
since his receipt, in some change, of a
plugged one.cent piece has he met with
any severe loss until this last one. At
So a year, which is his average expense
Of existence, Russell has only means
enough left to struggle along for 5,O0O,-
900 years, and when that time is up,
what will become of him? This is the
question which keeps Russell thin and
worried the entire time, and gives him
the irritable and colicky appearance so
familiar to the public at large.
Songs and sheet music, for which I
am indebted to various publishers, and
whose receipt I desire to acknowledge
at this time are: "Since Uncle Had My
Watch,' pathetic song and chorus;
daddy Paid a Million for His Son-in-
Law;" "She Got in the 2:3O List" d.
vorce topical song; "When You Black
the Other Eye;" "The Boomers that
Were Turned Toward the WALL"
"Trilby Has a Corn Upon Her Toe,"
''Since He Took the Kelley Cure;"
"They Hung Him Up and Left Him
There to Dry;'' "When Coxey Takes a
Bath" ETC., etc. ...
New Books-"One Hundred Reasons
Why I Think Marriage Is a Failure" by
the husband Of Mrs. Lease; "How I
Trim My Whiskers," by Senator PETER;
"The Manifold Advantages of Bare Feet
in a Statesman" by Jerry Simpson;
"Why the Laboring Man Should Live
on Two Cents a Day." by Andrew Car
negie; "Seven Reasons Why I Ought
Soon to Be Rich," by George M. Pull
man; "How to Keep Out of Jail, or How
I Got In," by E. V. Debs; "What I In
tend to Dc With the Earth When I Get
It," by John D. Rockefeller; "How to
Catch Fish," by the Count de Castel-
l%aine," etc., etc., etc.
"Did you ever hear anyone gnash his
teeth with rage" queried a practical
looking individual of the literary editor
this morning, as he walked into the
sanctum and deposited an antiquated
valise on the floor heal the entrance.
The !. e. was forced to admit that he
had never done SO.
slid you ever see anyone tear his hair
or who looked as though he was in the
habit of tearing it?' pursued the p. l.,
sitting down on the valise and putting
his feet on the waste basket.
Again was the !. Q. forced to reply in
the negative.
"Did you ever hear the wind sob
through the trees, and is the wind in
this country addicted to sobbing, as a
matter of fact?" propounded the p. i.
relentlessly.
The |. e. admitted that he didn't be-
lieve sobbing was a general thing with
the wind.
did you ever taste any bitter tears?"
continued the p. l., taking a chew Of to-
bacco, Sand if not, how do you know