The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1895-05-16
Meanness AS a Fine Art.

1895, 3 prominent itinerant clergy
man Of Garrett county, Md, pol
lshed his shoes, eliminated his
mustaehe, put on his cassock,
clothed himself in his most brilliant
pontifeals, and entered a church
somewhere between Crossroads
and MeHenry to marry a couple.
The altar was adorned with i'm
maculate linens, profusely deco
rated with spring flowers, brilliantly
lighted with wax candles, and the
church had been vigorously scrub
bed for the momentous ceremony.
At near O'Clock the parties to
be married came--solemnly they
came-solemnly they walked up the
middle isle of the church, solemnly
they stood upon the platform of the
altar, solemnly they were united in
the sacred bonds of marriage,
solemnly the reverend gentleman
congratulated the bride and hoped
1 that all the days of her life might
not be as chilly as the day on which
she was married, and solemnly the
marriage couple walked off forget
, ting to render the marriage fee.
! Solemnly the reverend gentleman
sad, 81 thought they were human
beings, or at least orang-outangs,
: but | should have previously inves-
tigated."
In consequence of the above ex-
! perence the reverend pastor in
charge has announced the following
rules for the above named mission:
|. Marriages are cash.
II. Marriage fee at least $500.
: Ill. The reverend pastor of the
parish does not regard the assisting
at marriage or the baptizing of a
child as a compliment to himself,
or as adding anything to his per-
sonal dignity. Having a human
4 nature, as also has Gods Church,
y and as also had her Divine Foun-
+ der, he does not live, move and
have his being in compliments and
dignities.
". The marriage of paupers is
Z forbidden by the church and no
dispensation can be granted for
them.
REMARKS.
, l. If the bridegroom cannot af-
J ford marriage fee of at least five
dollars he may keep what he can
} afford to buy peanuts, candy,
Scotch snuff and clay pipes for the
bride.
Ii. The above parties were mar
: ried by the minister in charge of
the parish under the impression
that they were, in the first place,
, human beings; in the second place.
that they were at least orang-
outangs; in the third place, that
they were missing link between
an orang-outang and taG-pole;
in the fourth place, that they were
not paupers.
III. The reverend gentleman on
his arrival in Oakland on Monday
morning, proceeded at once to con-
suit a prominent lawyer of the
town. "Slt down, sir" said the
lawyer. "You are young minis
ter of little experience and it serves
YOU right to lose your fee, and now
young man." said the lawyer, put
ting forth his bony front finger,
"let me give you piece of ADVICE.
If you will persist in marrying pau
pers you must do it at your own
risk. The county commissioners
will not levy you anything for your
trouble" "Well," said the rever-
end gentleman, 81 have heard of
living on birch bark and tea leaves;
tsr have heard of skinning louise for
the tallow, but I meyer heard of
a bridegroom so poor l have
heard of meanness as a fine art, but
-eyen IN the tumult and whirlwind
of my passion cannot think of the
proper Latin infinitive to express
my feelings.
ROMANUS MATTINGLY.
A Remarkable Cure of Rheumatism.