The times. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1890-1903, 1895-03-03
Reflections Of a
Married Woman.


fortune. neither am / that more attract
i've. though less stylish Parsonage. an old
maid; l am only an humble married
woman OF several years standing and
very well satisfied with my dot. But when
/ YVES a girl ] greatly regretted that |
was not a man. How I enved the free
dom Of their lives and the comfort OF
their clothes; ] never saw well-dress-
ed man with his neatly creased trousers
and his immaculate linen that / did not
heave "A sigh of regret. / am wiser now.
The first incident that attracted my at
tention and began 10 modify my opin-
ions occurred soon after | had settled
10 married happiness ! dropped my
th.mble on the floor one day and / was
astonished TO observe that my newly ac-
quired spouse did not rush franucally
forward to pick ii up as he would have
done in our counting days. The Omis-
sion could scarcely be passed by In silence
so / asked with some show OF surprise:
Love, did you notice that ] dropped
my thlmble? YES. my dearest. l ala,
he answered, but mans clothes are
not built for STOPPING down; II UNDER
take to hunt for that thimble / shall
probably burst my suspenders, pun OF
half dozen buttons, and bag my trousers
at the knee beside" Horrifed at such
a list OF calamities. begged him not to
think Of such a thing, and hastily re-
covered the lost article myself. lily morn
ing gown was loose and comfortable; my
well-htting stays ran no risk OF being
broken; in short. my costume admitted
of the ordinary use OF my muscles with
out the danger OF a catastrophe OF any
kind. In Response TO my reference 10 his
greater activity in the days of our court
ship he replied that a man cannot reason
ably be expected to keep up that sort of
thing indefinitely, and - ! pride myself
upon being reasonable, said no more.
That was the beginning OF M eniiGh-
tenment. ! have since learned many
things. One OF them is that men live In
daily terror Of having their pantaloons
bag al the knee; that there is absolute
t. no escape from this terrible fate; it
is vain 10 hang the treasured garments
upside down on curious looking STREET
cheers; I'm vain 10 sleep with them under
the mattress; in vain to have ones tail
or press them every fortnight; sooner or
later the bags will be there just the same
The only remedy is to stand up all the
time, and that is tiresomc.
Skirts do not bag at the knee.
That was the first advantage I dis
covered. / learned soon after that
shirt-front as stiH as a hoard and a
collar Ike a strip of tin do not add TO
ones enjoyment, as l once fondly sup
posed.
We had gone to the theater one evening,
and after my inspection of the house. |
happened to glance at my lieSe lords
countenance. Horrors What had hap
pened? / inquired and was informed in
loud and angry whisper that that
COMPOUNDED collar was cutting his
throat" and that his left shoe was para
lying" his foot Alas for those beauti-
full pointed patent feathers; they were
beautiful to look upon but very trying to
the feelings
The next thing that went was my faith
i'm pockets. We lost the receipt for the
gas bill and came near having to pay
it twice, because John Henry had it in
his pocket and could not find II. John
Henry is the unromantic cognomen OF
my beloved; we have wasted hours on
the doorstep, waiting for him to hunt
through his pockets for the latch key;
knives, silver and various small treas
ures are constantly disappearing through
mysterious holes in those same pockets.
They are indeed greatly over estimated.
Skirts have no pockets in them
Thus ] learned by degrees that mems
shoes are just as tight as wOmens' thdt
pantaloOns are horribly uncomfortable;
that pockets are a snare and a delusion;
that suSpenderS are troublesome things
and may pull loose in the back II one
doesn't keep his eye on them; that men
en- never appreciate the comfort of wear
ing a sash or a belt, for the poor things
have no way Of knowing where their
waists are and that their hats arc hor-
rid stiff things that make all their hair
fall out.
And then there is always the fright
full possibility of getting a wrinkle in
ones Prince Albert coat. 1t is bad
enough to find wrinkle in ones face,
but to find one in a Prince Albert coat;
the subject is too painful 10 dwell upon.
1t was about this time that l learned
that women have no sense of humor.
| had looked on I'm establishment while
my husband laughed at the newspaper
jokes about Weary Willie and Dusty
Rhodes; about mOthers-n-law Erred
girls. irate fathers and late-stayiug
young men, and the various tid-bits that
make up the funny column OF news
paper. / respected the age of these time
honored wittcisms too much TO laugh at
them. but my husband said il was be-
cause | had no sense Of humor. lie
came in to dinner one day in great glee,
telling me that he could show me al
last something that was genuinely funny,
producing at the same time couple or
tickets to a minstrel show. | had never
seen one so / went prepared 20 injure my
anatomy If not to absolutely expire at
the unparalleled funniness of the thing.
The curtain rose upon twelve men In
evening dress sitting in row with their
faces blacked. Several men in the aud
fence gave a preparatory chuckle at
sight of them but they did not seem 10
me TO be funny. l do not think il is
at all amusing 10 see twelve men sitting
I'm a row with their faces blacked. They
did not look in the least like negroes
and even if they had il would not have
been very droll. / do not see why any
one should laugh at twelve negroes sit
ting in a row.
Well, when these hideous creatures,
with their black faces and great red
mouths. began to talk and 10 perform an
tics, the joy of the men IN the audience
knew no bounds. one In particular
seemed TO be a great favorite because
he stammered. | do not know why he
stammered very few negroes are so at-
hicted. | never knew but one who was
and no one ever took The trouble TO laugh
at him, but when this horrid creature
with black face turned and said TO
another horridi creature, BrBr Br-Br-
J-Jones. why is a n-n-n-nigger like CHI
ch-ch-chicken h-h-hawk?" / thought
the audience would have died of laugh
ing, and as for my precious husband, he
laughed till he almost went into con-
vulsions. l was really alarmed about
him.
There was some singing and clog-danc-
ing TO allow the audience 10 recover its |
breath, and the intellectual treat con-
tinued till late hour. AS we went home |
my husband asked me II | enjoyed il. Il |
would not have missed it for anything" |