Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-06-23
WE DON'T NEED YOU.
The Idlef Complains Of Cold Treatment
from Engaged Couples.
MEMORIES or A RUSTIC SUMMER.
Love Some Day Must Come to ALL
Even to "Thnt Cute Pop Tate
The Cussedness of Those Squirrels.
Summer BOarders.

4
touch an engaged couple. With them ii
is zone world and two people In IT, and II
any unoffending citizen happens to drift
into their presence he's villain, a
scoundrel. a blackleg. and everything
that's mean and despicable. Sometimes
have found myself thrown into the So
! cety Of such mutualy-mortgaged pro-
perty-I say thrown. because l wouldn't
have gone Northumberland, bless me, the
thermometer has fallen until l would
have chill-blains with the mercury stand
ing 100 in the shade. Every article OF fur
niture in the rooms would seem labelled,
1--WE Don't Need You" and no scintilla-
tons Of my wit, wisdom, and wickedness
could produce so much as smile. The
scOwls, the dark. threatening slances
the fierce, whitening looks. and the blight
ing stares / received would warp me from
the apex of my oil-soaked Uranium to
the soles of my russet hosiery. Nothing 1
could do would evoke appreciation, ana
| when / would start afresh on new topics
the signs | heard would have uToOelled a
steamboat. 1t was like the people at
church. When the preacher says firstly
| they wriggle; when he says secondly,
they squirm; when he murlugrs thirdly
they sign: when he adds court lly they
grow angry; when "hfthly' Is pronounced
they become ferocious. when "sNthly'
succeeds they are dangerous, and. Iindl'y.
when he says lastly i1"ir souls are
filed with murder. ani 'n-y Lug Tor
blood. Conceited. indeed, is o., "., Ia his
consummate vanity thinks Tor d moment
that he can crowd himself in the dark CO..
ta..~ ttfHs Dh lou. nd nn4
enjoy his presence.
There ought to be a reservation fer en-
gagged couples. just as there IL TO North
American Indians, and Congress o ight
~ regulate the commerce therein, ana
forbid tresrassing by unsymDathet tic
strangers. The whole spot should lie d.
vided off into dard corners. win woodland
benches and vine-coversd sr2ts, and
strangers not OF the Sacred. Exclusive
order Of Engaged Couples should he
shot-no: that wouldn't be necessary
either. for the rightful citizens % TIE
reservation would soon freeza 10 death
the newcomers. As fast as the aspirlifs
for the matrimonial scuiile OF life con-
summated their deals they should lie
evict d, even as the 1roneS are eNicted
from the honeyed cells of the beehive.
Other human insects, gathering honey
every day from each and every Hover
should take their places, and thus the
! reservation could be conducted on an
Utopian plan. Spry old widowers and
kittenish reicts OF dear plrteds'
should be parcelled off in a sub-reserya-
ton, so that their Juvenile frolics might
not be under the inspection of the younger
| lovers; for all the world loves lover
| that is, provided he's young, and gush-
| ing with the enthusiasm Of tender years.
But when superannuated fossils put on
| their warpaint and try 10 get cinch
| on the moon. they don't excite much sym
| patty, and. what's more, they oughtn
| to. No man in this community has done
| more to help the cause of sweethearts
| than myself, and my motive is an unset
fish one. All / ask is that ! be exempted
from the weddng-present tax when the
deals are consummated.
Love some day must come to all.
Softly DER you stealing"
Never have / more fully appreciated
the depth of meaning In these words
than when l saw from the papers that
pop" Tate had linked his manly. robust,
form in the holy bonds Of matrimony.
Unknown to the world. and with sweet
thoughts yelling in his forty-two-inch
bosom, he segregated himself far from
himself IL bride. The baseball world
had missed him from the diamond. but
| they knew not that he was seeking other
Jewels. and when the papers announced
the wedding a cOngratulatory thrill ran
through the systems of every crank and
rOOter in the town. Little had the Ports
mouth public suspected. when they saw
his obese anatomy mashng down the
first bag, that the soul confined within
that expansive outer shell was soaring
! away to other realms, and dreaming
sweeter thoughts than those which some
times characterize Pop" in his CONVEX
| Cupid will strike? When he had his
! inning against Tate's side. he went TO
the bat and lined out one that struck
| pop" in deep center. Cupid won that
day by heavy batting. though his victim,
| If he be a dutiful man, will make many
/ home-runs in the future. and the sand
| hddlers of Norfolk, would do well TO
| Through him once a week from their
| wave washed town. No man on the
| threshold OF the scuttle for cabbage, has
my kinder wishes than this worthy son
| of Richmond. HIS ardor for baseball
| cannot be dampened-no, not even by a
| thermometer standing 10 in the shade
and when a mans enthusiastic. he's all
right Doubtless "Reddy' Foster unites
with me In my blessings. Maybe ne has
| found time to tear himself from the
| social whirl Of Fulton, and 10 call upon
! the happy couple; maybe. on cold winter
| evenings he will abandon the alluring
| influences Of the progressiye-euchre table,
| and come to gossip with our friend; may
| be, too, he will sometimes partake Of food
| from the home-piate of the Tate abode.
| Sweet is the picture that presents itself
h. falf Gle . hot
| happy gathering with Pop dispensing
the hash and Reddy displaying his usual
| CELEBRITY in catching everything that comes
| in his direction.
There Is discord in the Capitol Square.
and Mr.. Walton. the officer who attends
| the flower and plants in the park, has
recently been heard 10 give utterance TO
| adjectives whose social standing is not
| recognized in Sunday-school books. The
| whole trouble is about the squirrels. These
! sportive "varmints." with bangs on their
tails. have been playing all sorts of tricks
| on him lately. They are determined for
| their part, that the florist shall not make
d success of his flowers. AS fast as a
magnolia bud appears on the trees, the
squirrels HE themselves thither and pro-
| coed to gnaw the same until II is ruinea.
| They exhibit the same cussedness OF split
| towards the flowers, and there's nothing
| 10 do 10 stop them. II Mr.. Walton were
! a monkey he might prevent the evil.
| but being unable to climb trees. and being
| otherwise deficient in simian accomplish
/ ments. he is powerless in all things. save
his vocabulary Of explosives. Just why
| the squirrels see fit TO projick as they do.
Is a question for scholars in natural his
| tory 10 settle. Not only do they display
this perversity towards the plants but
! also towards the fruits in the yard OF the
| Governors Mansion. Some weeks they
behave themselves as beautifully as a boy
| MARRYING himself for a slice OF pie. and
| then the very next week they commence
| their tricks again.
| WANTED, SUMMER BOARDERS.-A
respectable family with beautiful home
! situated half a mile from depot. desire
| 10 take BOARDERS FOR THE SUM
| MER. Physician near by; abun lance c!
| fruit; milk to throw 10 pigs; eight horses
| Address Mrs. GREEN GOURD-SEEpE
| Pumpkin Hollow. Va.
I'm going right up; i can't resist that
| advertisement any longer. The babies are
! now being packed In excelsior for ship
| ment, and | have mailed the cradle with
| n special-deivery stamp. Even now the
baggage-man is preparing 10 play foot'
| ball with our trunks marked Handle
! with care" and I've ordered the post
al