Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1895-07-10

Tirainia FREE 2ress.
Humorous.

tirely voluntary. Ae-Aeoj "
much we'll have to give?
Bashful Lover-Can you tie a true love
knot, Miss Fanny? She-NO; but the cler-
gyman around the corner can.
He-Great heavens Do you think am
made of money Shell wish you WERE
l could get you changed then.
Old Beau-Miss Flossie, be mine. would
give my life for youl Miss Flossie-Well
you may, if it's heavily insured.
Higbee-My wife had considerable trOu-
BILE with her head lately. What do you
think will relieve it? Doctor-A new hat.
Mistress (engagiug new servant)-I hope
you know your place. Brigitte Brittledish-
Oh yes, num- Taxed your lasht girl all
about it.
Girl Gokingly)-Td like a place where III
have every thing l want, nothing to do and
no one to boss me. Clerk-This, miss, is an
employment office, not a matrimonial agen-
cy.
Acouaintance-Mr. Bullion, let me intro
duce my friend, Jones. I've just been tell
ing him how you made your pile. Mr. Bull
lion Slightly deaf Glad to know you MAJ
Pyle.
Flipiack-I met Lottie on the avenue this
morning. and as she recognized me her coun-
t~enance fell. Pewick-Why so? FliRJack-
Because the pavement was slippery. The
rest of her fell, too.
Bank Casbier-You'l have to be identi'
| fed before | can cash this check. Patrick
Grogan-Begob, that's aisy enough. Here
is me photograph as l had tuck in Jersey
City lasht week. Ye'd know me anywhere
by it.
Fond Mother-Clarence, didn't | hear
YOU praying at bedtime last night for God
to keep Willie Wiggles from harm tonight?
| Little Clarence--Yep WANTED him spar
ed SOS 7 could lick the stufhn' out OF him
to-day.
Miss Fan de Syckle-Who was it said
The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand
that rules the world? Mrs Strongmind
| don't know. But anyway, no one pays
any attention TO anything said Of the men
nowadays.
~Foeg-Riches, after all, are but a relative
matter. There's Squeezepenny, for instance
Figg-Surely, you don't call him a rich
man, He hasn't more'n so to his name.
Fogg-Very likely; but just think how
highly he values it!
"Old Moneybags is an eccentric old man
he makes every check he writes a receipt
within itself" "He does ?" yes. When
his daughter married that Italian nobleman
he gave them his check, on the face of which
he wrote To balance a count
"The main problems of this day, sir, are
easily solved" he began in a confident tone;
81 myself" "Ah yes said the gray
haired stranger "ofcourse, of course. You
were graduated this month | suppose ?'
"Why, yes. How did you guess it?" 81
know the symptoms"
Sometimes" said Brashkin's wife, 81 do
get a little discouraged, and think you are
rather hard to please" "You don't say sol"
was the astonished rejoinder. "Yes. But
| must admit there is one thing you never
find fault with" "What is that ?" "The
way | look when | wear my last years
clothes"
an the life to come" shouted the evan
gelist, there will be no marrying or giving
ia marriage" Those who were sitting near
the Chicago woman heard a low cry ofhor-
ror as she rose from her seat. "In that
event" she remarked to the usher as she
left the church, 1--WE got no time to be
monkeying here"
Did you hear that the daughter Of the
late Hon. Friendtoall. one of the founders
of this town, is suffering for the necessities
of life d? The people ought to subcribe a fund
for her support" "Well, that's too bad
but the owl has just built a $4,000 mouu-
ment to her father. I should think that
ought to satisfy her.