Richmond dispatch. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1884-1903, 1895-01-27
CURLS AND CURRIERS'.
The Idler Comments on Post.PrandiaI
0ratory and Orators.
HE IS no SPEAKER HIMSELF.
But Knows People Who Can Talk-Cice-
ros Of tho Richmond Press
Toasts and Roasts.

I can do almost anything that any other
ordinary law-ab!ding citizen can do, but
there is one duty that perform with re-
luctance, nay. with sadness and trepida-
ton. 1t is speech-making. Many and
many time have unceremoniously de-
serted the lower limb Of the fried chicken
and the potpourri of turkey salad TO avoid
Furnishing the banqueting public with
post-prandial Grafton, for on my feet
(and I believe 1t would be the same way
If stood upon my head / am at sea and
grea. lump Of stupidity in my throttle
chokes my utterances. To use bor-
rowed expression, experience sensation
Of outward all-overishness and inward
inexpressibility" which paralyzes me and
makes my intellect a blank. Never do I
feel so much like / am drunk as do on
these occasions. and never do long more
to be drunk. Yes, even In the face of
square meal. / wish that / were dead
wish that l had long been dead, and that
/ were barred out from all hopes of re-
surrection. The crowd. knowing my
timidity-and. pardon me II say modes
ty--about such things, always whoop me
UP, and yelling Speech they hoist me TO
conspicuous place and leave me to
wreak destruction on myself. / gaze
around me in mad. delirium-tremens
manner. realizing l have Sahara desert
In my mouth, 1t is so dry. and then, de-
lighted with an idea which fits through
my head, and vanlshes before / catch 1t,
make a start.
say "Mr. President and gentlemen"
and then, as II questioning the fact,
whether any gentlemen are present, /
pause and button my cuff which is run
ming away with me. But bark, another
idea seizes me. l have the originality
and the ingenuity to conceive a beautiful,
exquisite thought. l add. in sepulchral
tones: Gentlemen, l am no speaker"
A universal look Of appreciation, showing
that the truth of my statement Is not for a
moment questioned. meets my gaze, and I
hear murmurs Of magnificent speaker"
beautiful oratlon." and all that Then
make another desperate. suicidal squirt. /
add, Gentlemen, this is wholly unexpect-
ed to me-" This statement Is falsehood,
although my actions would certainly ar
que fer the truth OF It, but all the same
It Is a lie. For fully half an hour before
the complimentary guillotine fell Ohereby
causing me to get 1t in the nech) knew IL
was coming, and l knew that / was
doomed for a speech. During this inter-
val my life was too miserable for express
sion. Cold chils played football down
my back and ] suffered the tortures OF
the damned. Vainly l struggled to think
OF something TO say, and fought with my
brain for an appropriate allusion to this
Grand Old Commonwealth (the universal
salvation for those lacking an idea). But
Il was a hopeless struggle. And so, when
once on my feet, / disgrace our family
escutcheon and trail our honor In the
dust by my stupidity, while the crowd,
gloating over my misery. even as the can
nibal gloats over broiled missionary,
yell with delight.
Heaven pity me; shall never, never
know how to speak. When after three
years training) learned to eat olives. I
felt that had achieved the greatest VIC
tory Of my life. To-day L feel that il l
could get on my feet and just keep from
making fool of myself / would be carry
ing my eagles of triumph still farther.
But It's too late now. I've passed the me-
ridian OF youth. and there's no hope for
me.
Talshg about speech-making \and ban
qGets, that Press-Club supper We folks
had few nights ago beat anything Of
Its kind that / have ever run across.
Peyton Randolph Noel, our POSTMASTER
Uhe man who writes those lovely little
personals for the State). perpetrated a
diabolical joke upon US which ought TO
i.ake MN repentant all the rest OF his
EIe' III ne joins the church six times be-
lore he dies | don't see how he'll oyer
forgive himself The trick he pIave6 On
US was mean enough to make the distln-
buished person after whom he Is namaa
blush In his grave. Peyton came 10 each
one OF us, and In an awe-inspirinR whis-
PEE he said: Were going to call ON Won
10 respond TO the toast OF "So-and-So,,
tonight, and L give you this tin SO Won
can prepare yourself Don't breathe a
WORD about 1t. This Is a special favor
We are doing you" Then, with a sinis-
Ter smile. he borrowed a cigar from us
ana departed. We all felt deeply CRATE
Iul 10 MN Tor warning US beforehand.
ana feeling that We had plenty OF time
Tor preparation, we proceeded to I'M our
headS with beautiful thought. The ora
lion l was TO have delivered that
night would have gone down i'm
hlStery. Police-Justice Crutchfield (who
by the way, was one OF our guests)'
would have given me at least "ninety
days" for 1t. And black-eyed Jo Wheat
who always did know how to speak from
the time when, as a bonny BARN.
ne learned 10 recite the Golden
Rule in his Sunday school class.
actually bought himself looking
glass and practiced before it, At
$50 O'Clock that night he was found
rehearsing before cigar store Indian.
But OIL ye gods, when the time came
FOR us TO curl we found that we had
been duped, cruelty. malcousy duped.
Peyton Randolph Noel, scion Of a glorl-
Gus Louisa family. had fooled us. He
had mixed up the toasts; each man was
called out on an unexpected subject. and
chaos reigned supreme.
The first victim was forced TO respond
to the toast '"rhe Star-Gazers," and the
sentiment was as follows:
Hope for season babe the world fare
well,
And Freedom shrieked as Kosciusco
fell,
And nightly visits to my chamber made
After he had tainted in his seat an
other sufferer was hauled up TO tell all
he knew about the Assets and Liabili-
ties OF the Planet Mars" The following
was the blood-curdlng sentiment which
came after 1t:
Sleep on, sweet prince,
And may angels fight sing thee to
thy rest"
The dramatic critic blushed; yes, actu-
any DluSnei Wnen ne was jumped up. His
subject was: What Know OF Chorus
Girls" and the following poem was added
10 give him inspiration:
Give me three grains Of corn, mother,
Give me three grains OF corn
To keep the little life I have
Until the coming OF the morn.
The "Lanky Scribe turned red all
over In spots when his subject was an
nounced. but mashing a fly on his fore
head with the embroidered silk handker-
chief he held. he tackled 1t bravely. HIS
theme was, do the Sun Mover and the
sentiment poetically ran as follows:
Backward, turn backward
Oh, time In thy flight,
Give US a frost again
Just for tonight.
/ am so weary
OF weather so hot;
The sweat 1t produces
Would I'LL big pot
A snow-storm or blizzard